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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..03b7f4f --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #63556 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/63556) diff --git a/old/63556-0.txt b/old/63556-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 85dcd98..0000000 --- a/old/63556-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7202 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Confessions of a Tradesman, by Frank Thomas Bullen - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and -most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms -of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this ebook. - -Title: Confessions of a Tradesman - -Author: Frank Thomas Bullen - -Release date: Oct 26, 2020 [EBook #63556] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: MWS, Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet - Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN *** - -+-------------------------------------------------+ -|Transcriber's note: | -| | -|Obvious typographic errors have been corrected. | -| | -+-------------------------------------------------+ - - -CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN - - - - -WORKS BY THE SAME AUTHOR - - - WITH CHRIST AT SEA. Crown 8vo, Cloth, 6s. - - A WHALEMAN'S WIFE. Crown 8vo, Cloth, 6s. - - THE APOSTLES OF THE SOUTH-EAST. Crown 8vo, Cloth, 6s. - - SEA SPRAY. Crown 8vo, Cloth, 6s. - - ADVANCE AUSTRALASIA. Crown 8vo, Cloth, 6s. - - -LONDON: HODDER & STOUGHTON - - - - -CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN - -BY - -FRANK T. BULLEN - -AUTHOR OF -"WITH CHRIST AT SEA," "THE CRUISE OF THE CACHALOT" -ETC. - - -HODDER AND STOUGHTON -LONDON MCMVIII - - -_Printed in 1908_ - - -To THE SMALL TRADESMEN OF LONDON - - - - -PREFACE - - -It is a particular, and not altogether pleasant, feature of literary -work in Britain that should an author make a certain amount of success -with a book on one particular topic, it is thenceforward tacitly -assumed that he must stick to that topic, assaying no other on pain -of being mercilessly taken to task by the critics. Or what is worse, -damned with faint praise. With this knowledge very vividly impressed -upon me, I have hitherto refrained from writing upon a subject with -which I have most intimate and painful acquaintance, and one that -should appeal to a far wider circle of readers than any of my previous -books have done. It is the subject of the small, struggling tradesman -or shop-keeper. - -I may, I trust, be permitted to remind my good friends, the public, -to whom I owe so great a debt, that prior to going to sea I was, as -some writers love to say, not entirely unconnected with trade, having -for two or three years been employed with varying degrees of unsuccess -by small tradesmen as an errand boy, etc. In this wise (although I -feel sure that none of my employers would have suspected me of it), I -absorbed some germs of a commercial spirit, did at any rate acquire the -rudiments of trade, although in most irregular and entirely erratic -ways. - -During my sea-career, these germs lay entirely dormant, unfruitful; -but they were undoubtedly tenacious of life, as we learn that disease -germs always are; and so, when I forsook the sea upon an offer of a job -ashore, a fitting environment aroused them, and they sprang into active -life. Not of course immediately, a period of incubation was needed. -It was readily forthcoming. At the age of twenty-five, I deliberately -turned my back upon a profession that then offered me nothing better -than mate of a tramp at £6 per month, and accepted a berth in a public -office ashore at £2 per week, having a wife and one child, and no stick -of furniture for a home. - -Is it necessary to say that never having known any training in thrift, -having indeed belonged to the least provident of all our notably -improvident workers, I soon found the shoe pinching, soon discovered -that forty shillings a week was devoid of elasticity, especially -when curbed by payments to be made for furniture purchased on the -very unsatisfactory "hire system"? Perhaps not, but in any case it -was this, coupled with the knowledge that all my fellow clerks were -driven by the necessities of their miserable pay into bye-ways of -supplementing their income, that lured me back to trade again. Here let -me digress for a purpose. Many and grave scandals have been unearthed -in the Civil Service, note well, in the higher branches even, but -none I think greater than those where poorly paid clerks toiled to -do the work for which their seniors were paid; said seniors being -meanwhile engaged in amassing fortunes as eminent authorities upon -art, the drama, or sport. But in the office where I was employed no -such scandals were possible, seeing that the pay of the most powerful -clerk therein was less than the annual tailor's bill of some of the -superior Civil Service clerks. And whatever might be the value put upon -our labours by those without, it is at least incontrovertible that we -worked hard, so hard indeed that our superimposed labours after hours -in order to keep the domestic pot boiling were cruel. - -Of the manner of my escape from that Stygian lake with all its monotony -and despair of outlook, I have perhaps said more than enough in -print already, and in any case it would here be quite out of place. -But of the time during which I in common with many thousands of my -fellows in London endeavoured to live respectably, and rear a family -by honest toil, I feel free to speak, and if incidentally I can -throw a few side-lights, humorous or pathetic, as the case may be, -upon the strenuous lives led by small London tradesmen, I shall be -proportionately glad. - -It only remains that while in the following pages fiction finds no -place, no real names are given for the most obvious reasons. - -FRANK T. BULLEN. - -MILLFIELD, -MELBOURN. - - - - -CONTENTS - -CHAP. PAGE - I. ENTERING BUSINESS 1 - - II. CONTINUED TROUBLE 15 - - III. FREEDOM AND WANT 30 - - IV. MY TRADE APPRENTICESHIP FINISHES 46 - - V. INTO TRADE IN SPITE OF MYSELF 61 - - VI. DEVELOPMENTS 77 - - VII. I TAKE A SHOP 93 - - VIII. GETTING BROKEN IN 109 - - IX. IN HARNESS 125 - - X. THE COTTAGE ORNÉE 140 - - XI. NEARING THE END 155 - - XII. TOWARDS CAREY STREET 170 - - XIII. COLLAPSE 186 - - XIV. RELIEF AT LAST 202 - - XV. LEGAL EXPERIENCES 218 - - XVI. THROUGH TO FREEDOM 235 - - XVII. THE DAY DAWNS 252 - -XVIII. THE JOY OF SUCCESS 268 - - XIX. CONCLUSION 284 - - - - -CHAPTER I - -ENTERING BUSINESS - - -With the causes of my first plunge into the troubled waters of trade at -the early age of nine I have here nothing to do. It must suffice to say -that one spring morning, over forty years ago, I entered the emporium -of an oil, colour, and Italian warehouseman (to quote from his fascia), -in what was then known as Kensal New Town, a neighbourhood that had -long been of unsavoury reputation, but was emerging into something -like respectability by the aid of sundry long rows of jerry-built, -stucco-ornamented houses, the inhabitants of which tried hard to forget -the former appellation of their chosen abiding-place, and dated their -letters, when they wrote any, from Upper Westbourne Park. - -Mingled with the rows of mean streets of private dwellings were a few -scattered shops tenanted by brave and daring folk who lived principally -upon hope and a little capital. One of these had established himself -between a butcher and a baker, and having laid in a stock of the -amazingly miscellaneous description which characterises what we in -London call, _tout court_, an "oil shop," awaited local custom. But -having no children to assist him, and his wife being fully occupied -with household duties, he sought additional help, and I obtained the -situation. How vivid and fresh is the recollection of my opening morn! -With what awe did I gaze upon the closely packed shop, wondering -however mortal mind could tell where everything was stowed; how -curiously did I sniff the mingled odours of paint, soap, paraffin, -glue, dog-biscuit, size, etc., all combined by the piney scent of the -newly chopped wood which was stacked in halfpenny bundles up against -the counter. - -My employer was a stout, stern, dark man, who appeared to me like -the dread arbiter of my fate, and his deep voice sent a thrill of -apprehension through me as he gave me my first order, which was to -carry home some wood, seven bundles for threepence, to one of the -aristocracy of the vicinity. It was a heavy load for my thin arms, -but had I been unable to lift it I should have strained myself to -injury point in the endeavour to do so, such was my pride in my first -commission. I wasted no time on the way, and ran back with the cash, -triumphant, panting with exertion, pride, and the consciousness of -ability. - -Thenceforward I knew no idle moments, for my master was an expert in -keeping me at it; he was never at a loss for a job for me, nor, to do -him justice, did I ever see him idle himself. In fact, my only respite -during the long day, from 7 A.M. till 10 P.M., was when, munching my -crusts of bread and dripping, I minded the shop during his meal times, -my mouth watering at the savoury smells which assailed my nostrils -through all the reek of the shop, from his little parlour. - -I have now a curious notion that I was too willing, because I know -that I must have made him forget how puny an urchin I was, or he would -never have sent me on the errands he did. One of these in the early -days of my service with him stands out, salient, against the background -of memory. It was in the early days of the Metropolitan Railway, which -then ran only from Shepherd's Bush to Moorgate Street. There was a -funny little primitive station at Westbourne Park, which was but a mile -from our shop, and one day, giving me a few pence for my half-fare, -he despatched me to Shoreditch to fetch something, I knew not what, -for which he had given me an order in a sealed envelope. Proud as -possible, I dashed off, took my ticket at Westbourne Park for the City, -and arriving at Moorgate Street, inquired my way to Shoreditch, which -I reached without any difficulty. A salesman took my order, looked -at me, and said loftily, "Ow yer goin' ter take it?" In reply I only -stared dumbly, because I had no idea what "it" was. He shrugged his -shoulders and retired, presently bringing forward an iron drum full of -treacle, which he plumped before me, saying, "There y' are." I looked -at it helplessly for a moment, and then looked at him; but seeing no -encouragement in his eye, essayed to lift it, and found that I could -just manage to raise it an inch or two from the floor. - -"Can't carry it," I said. - -"Nothin' to do wi' me," he replied, taking it up--oh, so easily, I -thought--and putting it outside on the pavement. I did not need telling -what that meant, and so calling my wits to work, I did the best I knew, -that is, I turned it over on its side and rolled it! Yes, I rolled it -along Shoreditch, up Worship Street, and along Finsbury Pavement, until -I came opposite Moorgate Street Station, where I halted, baffled by the -width of that great highway. But a kindly costermonger came to my aid, -and, finding what the trouble was, uttered many strange words about the -behaviour of whoever had sent such a kid on an errand of this kind; -then, hoisting the drum on his barrow, he wheeled it across the road -and deposited it within the station. Thence I rolled it to the steps -and managed to work it down them on to the platform (I am afraid I -quite forgot to thank my kind helper), where it was lifted into the van -by a sympathetic guard, and we rattled off to Westbourne Park. Arriving -there, and being helped again by the tender-hearted guard aforesaid, -I rolled my incubus into a dark corner, and fled shopwards, pantingly -explaining on arrival that I wanted the "truck." Granted, with gloomy -brows, by the boss. - -Now this truck, of which more anon, was one of those curiously shaped -ones used exclusively by wine merchants at that time. It was curved and -hollow, in order to take one barrel. It had a very long push handle, -and no bottom. So you can imagine how difficult was my journey with -that drum upon it, a veritable pilgrimage of pain. Let me pause awhile -to solemnly curse that truck, and the evil chance that harnessed me -to its awkwardness. Nevertheless upon this occasion I did reach my -journey's end in safety, with the drum and its contents intact, only to -be grumbled at because I had been so long! - -But before I quit the subject of that truck, I must tell of my -great exploit in connection with it. It was so entirely unhandy and -unsuitable for general purposes, besides being so infernally heavy to -push or pull that it was as much as I could do to handle it when empty. -Yet I was so willing and eager that my employer forgot my pigmy size -and put me to tasks absurdly beyond my strength, simply because he -didn't think. I don't for a moment believe he was deliberately cruel -or callous, and I know that although entirely free to do so, and often -sorely aggravated, he never struck me, nor ever abused me. One day, -however, he sent me on an errand to the older part of Kensal New Town -with a hundredweight of bar soap in a box balanced on that truck. For -some reason, which I forget, but probably hurry, he omitted to lash the -box--it would have been a difficult operation in any case; and so I -started off, trying to push the truck with one hand and hold the box -on with the other, as the truck jolted over the stones--and succeeded -fairly well too, until I came to a quagmire of a road where building -was going on. Still I strove, the truck bumping horribly over the -boulders hidden beneath the mud, until, when abreast of a church, which -was just abuilding, the calamity which had been looming ever since I -left the shop occurred--the box slid off the truck and capsized in the -mud. The bars of soap flew in all directions, disposing themselves -picturesquely as if planted in the slush, and I surveyed the awful -scene in a sort of philosophic calm, feeling indeed that _kismet_ had -conquered me, and not carelessness or inefficiency. It never occurred -to me to blame my employer. - -From that stupor or reverie I was aroused by the loud laughter of -the bricklayers on the scaffolding near at hand, and I sprang with -desperate energy to the task of righting the wrong. First, I replaced -the box, then, stripping off my little jacket, I disinterred bar after -bar of the soap. I scraped the thick of the mud off on the side of the -barrow, and then wiping the bars as clean as I could on my jacket, I -replaced them one by one in the box, nor did I lose any. By the time -I had finished, and I had no help, a circumstance which even now I -wonder at--it would have been hard to tell which was muddiest, the -truck, the box, the soap, or myself. But my only object being to get -that box home, I took no heed of such an extrinsic matter as mud; and -when, at last, I pushed off again with my cargo, I felt quite a glow of -legitimate pride, for that I had retrieved my disaster. - -How I escaped another before emerging from that bad road I do not -know; but I did, and presently arrived at my destination, overheated, -unrecognisable for mud, but triumphant. I knocked at the door, and -the laundress appeared, a comely figure in spotless print. She gave a -little start back when she saw me, as if she feared I would soil her -eyesight, but I said quickly-- - -"Please, 'm, I've brought the soap." - -She, incredulously, "Oh, 'ave yer! Well, it's abaht time. Bring it in." - -I hastened to the barrow, loaded myself with an armful of bars, and -hastened back. But she met me at the door, and glancing at my burden, -put up her hand in protest, crying-- - -"What the devil d'ye call _that_." - -"It's the soap, m'am," replied I meekly. - -"Don't you dare bring none o' that muck in 'ere, young man," said she -grimly. - -Then I pleaded that a little scraping would make it all right, and used -other feeble arguments, to all of which she presented a stony front, -when suddenly our conference was interrupted by the appearance of my -employer, who, with profuse apologies, wheeled away the soap, leaving -me to follow, but apparently caring not whether I did. I felt terribly -guilty as I followed him back, and never dreamed of blaming him for -the catastrophe. I have often wondered since whether he blamed himself. - -Be that as it may, I remember he said no word as we twain unloaded the -sombre cargo and scraped each bar with utter care, making the scrapings -into a ball. It was a long job, for customers kept coming in for -pennyworths of soap, and halfpenny bundles of wood, and farthingsworths -of blacking, at which trivial interruptions he still evinced no -irritability, but when at last all was finished he weighed the ball of -scrapings and found it equivalent to three bars and a half of soap. -These he added to the pile of cleansed bars, repacked them, and started -me off again, warning me, however, to go a long way round in order to -avoid the road where I had come to grief; and on Saturday night he -stopped the value of that soap out of my week's wages, which left me -2s., for I was then receiving 4s. per week. - -As I lived with a laundress, I was able to make a bargain for the ball -of soap-scrapings, so managed to scrape through, though not without -difficulty and many cursory remarks upon my behaviour. Now, as if -my troubles were not sufficient, the baker's and butcher's boys on -either side conceived a dislike to me, and lost no opportunity of -making my life a burden, especially when, during spells of leisure in -the evenings, I watched the store of pails, crockery, etc., arranged -outside the shop. Many and harsh were the tricks they played on me, -until I discovered that they both smoked, and thenceforward I purchased -immunity from persecution with handfuls of shag tobacco, purloined from -the back of the counter while the boss was inside at his meals, not -recking of the risk I ran, in view of present ease. - -My experiences altogether were of an exceedingly varied character in -this business, and I must often have made my employer feel that life -was hardly worth living when my blunders were frequent and painful; -yet, on the whole, I feel that he had his full money's worth out of -me--especially on Saturday nights, when the shop would be full, mostly -of urchins carrying all sorts of utensils and yelling "pint er penny -oy-el," in twenty different keys all at once, while almost everybody -watched an opportunity to steal a bundle of wood or some other trifling -article. Once, indeed, a purblind old woman put a bundle of wood in her -basket abstractedly, not noticing that it had a piece of thin string -fast to it, and methinks I can now see her amazed face as on nearing -the door the string grew tight and jerked her plunder out of the basket -along with some other small parcels. But my governor was equal to the -occasion. He said calmly-- - -"I don't think I took for that bundle, m'am, and you somehow got hold -of the wrong one," quietly putting it back and handing her another, -which she took, and forked out the halfpenny. - -But after about four months matters reached a climax. I was sent -hurriedly to Paddington one night for a box of tallow candles of about -ten pounds' weight, with urgent orders to hurry, as the stock was out. -I did hurry. On the way back, running down Brindley street with the -box on my head, I stumbled, and the box flew off into the road with -a crash. It did not break, so I snatched it up and ran off again. -Arriving at the shop all breathless, I found three customers waiting to -be served with candles. The boss seized the box, burst it open, and, -lo! there was not a whole candle within! He glared at me, but refrained -from expressing any opinion. Apologising to his customers, he dismissed -them candleless. Then turning to me, he said, with an effort, "You'll -go on Saturday. And take those candles for your week's wages. I've had -enough of _you_." And probably he had. - -Incidentally, I may mention that the laundress with whom I lived, and -for whom I worked when out of a job, resented intensely my bringing -home those candles in lieu of four shillings, and I suffered many -things until the last of those mutilated lumps of tallow and cotton had -been disposed of. - -I spent about a month of misery working in the laundry at night, and -by day looking for a job, until I obtained a situation at a boot-shop -in Archer Street, Notting Hill, as errand-boy, my wages being 3s. 6d. -per week and my tea. Here my opportunities for blundering were fewer, -the business being so much more simple. My duties were to run errands, -dust the shop, and keep the floor clean. I was really much better off -than before, though the hours were very long, till ten every night but -Saturday, and then till midnight; for my work was not heavy, and the -good meal I got every evening was a great help. But I confess sadly -that, all my earnings going for my lodgings, I devised a dishonest -plan for getting a little pocket-money. When taking home the repairs, -I would add threepence or sixpence to the price, and when my scheme -panned out all right, as it often did, I pocketed the difference. But -of course I was soon discovered, and literally kicked out by my irate -employer, who stigmatised me as a young thief, and spoke of prison and -the policeman, whom I dreaded far more. - -I pass over the weary time of waiting for another job, when indeed I -worked far harder than while in a place, and come to my next billet, -which was at a trunk-maker's in the Edgware Road. Whether my employer -was the owner of the business or not I never knew, but, as I remember -him, he was more like a soulless automaton than a man. He employed -no one but me in the huge shop, and only one man in the workshop -below, who was principally at work making, that is covering, ladies' -dress-baskets. Every morning at eight, after hoisting the revolving -shutters with a winch handle, I toiled, with occasional assistance -from the governor, in building up a huge pile of trunks, bags, boxes, -etc., outside the shop, a pile which was made more imposing by a great, -black, box-like thing, about ten feet long by three feet square, which -he used to help me lug in and out. - -He lived in a little den in one corner of the shop, and made his meals -of tea (which he made over the gas-flame by which he wrote) and bread -and butter, which I fetched for him, a twopenny coburg, and two ounces -of fourteenpenny Dorset at a time. Never once did he speak a kind or -considerate word to me, or even offer me a crust of his bread--no, he -used to save and soak them and eat them himself; at which I wondered -and grumbled secretly, for I felt that he could well afford to leave me -a few scraps, as I was always hungry. But 'twas not i' the bond. - -I had very little to do here in the way of errand-running, but I had no -idle moments, and when not occupied in the almost interminable job of -dusting the stock and cleaning out the shop, I could always find work -below, making paste and lining the cheap boxes we made for servants. -And here I was quite happy, for the journeyman was a genial soul and -beguiled the time with jokes and snatches of song, often too giving -me a portion of his frugal dinner or a halfpenny, which I promptly -invested in "broken stale" at the baker's hard by, where I purchased -the governor's coburgs. - -But it was a dull, hard, monotonous life, and only for the fact that I -occasionally got hold of a copy of the "Boys of England," "The Young -Briton," or the "Sons of Britannia," among the waste-paper we used for -linings, and lost myself in the realms of romance with "Caradoc the -Briton," "Alone in the Pirate's Lair," or the "Young Centurion," there -would have been hardly a gleam of sunshine in my young life. Those -blessed stories supplied the place of pleasant companions and of kind -words, and were in a great measure educational--at any rate, they were -all the schooling in one sense that I had. - -I had been at this slow business several months, when one day my -employer, without thinking, I am sure, of what he was doing, sent me to -Hoxton to fetch a full-sized leather portmanteau from one of the small -workers who make such things at home. Of course he gave me no money -for travelling, my time at four shillings a week was not valuable, and -off I set. Arriving at my journey's end, and stating my errand, the -man handed the article to me, that is he put it outside his door, and -left me to deal with it as best I could. Now, it was so large that I -could almost have got into it, and it was correspondingly heavy. But -I was six miles from home, and had to do something; so, as I could -not lift it, I started to drag it along the pavement through a light, -drizzling rain. Coming to an oil-shop, I went in and begged a yard of -clothesline, which I rove through the handle, and, incredible as it may -appear, I actually _towed_ that portmanteau home. I was nearly four -hours doing that six miles, and reached the shop late in the evening, -dead beat, but triumphant. - -It was a short-lived triumph, though, for that spruce portmanteau -looked as if it had been subjected to years of the hardest wear, and -was besides almost covered with mud. My employer gave one glance at it, -uttered a sort of whoop, and sat down trembling. I stood facing him, -wondering what would happen. Suddenly he rose and uttered his nightly -formula, "Close the establishment." - -As soon as that heavy task was done, he placed two shillings in my hand -(it was Wednesday night), and said, "If ever you come near this shop -again, and I catch you, I'll break every bone in your skin." I said, -"Good night, sir," and fled, pleased to think I had escaped so easily. -And thus abruptly ended my acquaintance with the trunk-maker's art. -Hitherto, it must be confessed, I had made no great hit at commerce, -not even having been able to obtain a character. But I suppose I was an -unconscious opportunist, for I wasted little energy in vain regrets, -but cast about for a new opening after each phase of experience. - - - - -CHAPTER II - -CONTINUED TROUBLE - - -By some strange freak of good fortune to which I was totally -unaccustomed, the very next day after my summary dismissal from the -trunk-maker's, I got a job in a big dairy company's business. I have -forgotten exactly how it happened, but I think that one of my street -chums told me he had seen the notice in the shop window, and hurrying -off at once, I secured the situation. At first blush I was almost -overwhelmed with the magnitude of my good fortune. For my wages were -to be six shillings per week, and a pint of milk twice a day, which to -me was wealth indeed, and I began to have visions of getting a little -pocket-money out of my earnings, and perhaps even, blissful thought, a -new suit of clothes, a possession that I had never yet enjoyed. - -My delight was somewhat tempered by the fact that my hours of business -were to be from 4.30 A.M. to 9 P.M., on Sunday and week-day alike, in -summer; and from 5.30 A.M. to 9 P.M. in winter. But of course that was -merely a detail. As I had to begin at so unholy an hour in the morning, -of course it was unthinkable that I could get any food in the house, -and so my landlady made arrangements, in consideration of receiving the -whole of my earnings _and_ the milk, to subsidise a local coffee-stall -keeper to the extent of one cup of coffee and one slice of cake, price -together one penny, every morning. This I bolted at the street corner, -often scalding my mouth, for I need hardly say that the margin of -time was never very great. And if a boy arrived late, well, there was -an end, for his van had gone without him, since it might not linger, -obstructing the others. - -After swallowing my coffee, I fled as fast as my legs would carry me -towards my place of business (sounds important, doesn't it?), which, -when I reached it, was a roaring vortex of noise. For the railway vans -had just arrived from Paddington Station, and the huge churns of milk -were being shifted with much clangour and shouting from the street to -the cellar of the shop, where their contents were being distributed -into the polished churns which went into the distributing vans. Every -man and boy was hard at work, the majority fitting out their respective -vans with cans, kettles, etc.; and in half an hour from beginning this -work, every van (there were sixteen of them) with its driver and its -attendant boy, a crate full of empty cans, and two brimming churns of -milk, had rattled off towards the district, often three or four miles -away, which was allotted to it. - -In summer this eager rush and excitement was rather pleasant, and -more in the nature of a huge frolic than otherwise; but in winter, on -bitter, bleak, snowy, or wet mornings, it was undoubtedly terribly -hard upon such children as I, poorly clad and insufficiently fed, as -most of us were. There were two of us in my van besides the driver, -it being a _heavy_ district, and there was consequently considerable -rivalry between my fellow-worker and myself, which kept both of us -from lagging. Our boss was a gruff, unsociable sort of fellow, but he -must have had a soft spot in his heart somewhere, for he invariably -pulled up at the first coffee stall (it was set against a dead wall, -nearly opposite the entrance to Kensington Palace Gardens, I remember), -and treated each of us to a pennyworth of coffee and cake; and this -kindness he repeated when we had finished our round, if the weather was -cold. - -Upon arriving at the commencement of our district we at once flew into -violent activity, distributing the milk in cans down the areas and at -the doors; but at seven we began to serve at the doors, the servants -being about, and many a chunk of cake and mug of hot coffee fell to my -lot from kind-hearted kitchen-maids. So, taking it all round, it was -not entirely unpleasant if very exhausting. But one thing I have never -been able to understand, the wonderful memory we developed. We carried -no books, and yet when we returned to the shop at about eight, each of -us went before the cashier and repeated, without an effort apparently, -as he read out the numbers of the houses, the quantity of milk we had -served them with. I do not remember learning this, and indeed it seemed -to come naturally to all of us. And when it is remembered that out of -150 gallons of milk we were only allowed one quart for margin, it can -easily be understood that we must have been pretty correct. - -We had an hour allowed for breakfast, and then the boys had to return -and wash and polish the big cans or kettles, as we called them, a task -which took us till the afternoon, when we sallied forth again in all -the glory of white smocks, shining cans, and trim equipages. This was -the pleasant time, for there were nice little snacks obtainable at -kitchen doors, and many an opportunity of making a dishonest halfpenny -by selling milk to strangers, which deficiency in our pails we made -up by giving short measure to regular and large customers, but never, -as far as I know, by calling in the aid of the pump. At night when we -returned, and the men took their vans off to the stables, the boys -washed up the hundreds of small cans under the acute supervision of an -old foreman. All the cans were washed and rinsed, were stacked with -open lids ready for the morning, and at about 9.30 we were released. - -I do not know how long this strenuous employment claimed me, but I -know that I was one day discharged suddenly without explanation. The -only reason I can assign is that some of my petty pilferings of milk -had been discovered, and the only excuse I can give is that of all my -earnings I never had a halfpenny to call my own--it all went for my -keep. - -Why or how I went to my next place I shall never know. It is to me -and always has been a profound mystery. It was at a "lath-render's," -a place where laths were made by hand from curved fillets of Russian -pine, with a groove down the centre as if showing whence the pith had -been removed, that had often aroused my wonder as to their use. I was -to receive, as far as I remember, small wages, and certainly no food, -but I was to learn the business! But my only occupation while I was -there was to tie up chips for sale and keep the fire going in the -stove, although I watched the men splitting the long laths from the -billets with a sort of hatchet with keenest interest. Ah, yes, I used -to saw the billets into lengths, I remember, but not to any extent. I -was too small for such strenuous labour. - -Well, my whole course there is misty in retrospect, but deeply -flavoured with the pleasant scent of the pine wood, except the manner -of my leaving, which was sudden, dramatic, and mysterious. I have said -that my principal occupation was the tying up of chips. There were -naturally a great many of these, and they were made into bundles by -the aid of a rude machine, and sold, largely to laundresses, who used -to send for them as being more economical than the bundle-wood at -the oil-shops. Now what perverse demon tempted me I know not, but one -day I thought it would be a desirable thing to conceal in the heart -of each bundle a lump of clinker from the stove! No possible benefit -could accrue to me from doing this, and had my reasoning powers been in -working order, I must have known that detection and subsequent disaster -must inevitably be swift. - -But I did not think, and I did include clinkers in my bundles, with -the result that one day a horde of infuriated washerwomen, mostly -of Irish extraction, descended upon the shop armed with clinkers, -with which, after briefest prologue, they pelted my unfortunate and -totally innocent employer. He, poor man, could do nothing but close the -establishment under this rapid fire of missiles; and then, thinking -quickly, turned upon me and flung me out, not, I rejoice to say, as a -sacrifice to the mob, but by a rear door, whence I escaped along the -canal side. Explanation of my conduct I have none, and there I must -leave the matter. It may have been the budding of incipient genius, but -in the mellow light of retrospect I confess that it appears very like -the act of a lunatic of which I had been guilty. - -Again, I was free and still characterless. This time I suffered, as -no doubt I deserved, hunger, thirst, and pain before I again entered -employment, but when I did get a berth it promised fairer than any of -my previous ones. Just how I fell in with this astounding piece of -luck, I have forgotten, but what is indelibly impressed upon my memory -is the fact that in my new situation I received board and clothing and -two shillings a week--quite sufficient to pay for my poor little bed -in a room which I shared with a cobbler, who used it for a workshop, -toiling far into the night after I had gone to sleep; but while I was -awake, entertaining me vastly with scraps of quaint philosophy. No -wonder I was what they used to call an old-fashioned kid! But bless -that dear old cobbler's heart. He was gentle, kind, and wise, except -in one direction, but even in his cups I never remember hearing him -say ought that a little child might not listen to, or ask and obtain -the meaning of unsullied. He was very fond of me, and I of him. I -daresay we meant a great deal to each other, meeting as we did in that -little eddy out of the great rapids of life, and without visible effort -supplying each other's needs. I well remember meeting him one day--it -must have been when I was looking for a job--surrounded by a little mob -of children "avin a gime wiv im" in the vernacular. Taking me gently by -the arm he said, with a grand wave of his free hand, "Now here is an -example for you, ill-mannered brats that you are, that can only shout -'Ullo, Trotty.' I know I trot, I know I am old, but you are ill-bred to -remind me of it, and as for this dear child!" And much to my horror and -entire discomfiture, he lifted me up and kissed me. I did not get over -that, or escape the consequences of his ill-timed affection for a long -time, I promise you. - -But I am forgetting Mr Green, my employer. He kept an establishment -in Westbourne Grove for the manufacture and sale of paper patterns -of fashionable dresses. In those far-off days I think he must have -been a pioneer in this business, and I know he used to visit Paris -periodically, in order to obtain the latest modes; and returning with -them, his wife and her assistants reduplicated them in coloured paper, -which elaborate models were exhibited in a grand show-room and sold. -My business was to wear a fine suit of clothes with many silvered -buttons, and lie hidden in the hall to conduct clients upstairs to the -show-rooms, which was on the first floor over a shop. Another and more -important part of my duties was to carry parcels to clients' houses, at -which times I wore a shiny top-hat bedecked with silver braid. Indeed, -so fine was I that my old companions of the street forbore to guy me, -but paid me undisguised tribute of admiration for my splendour. - -At such times as I was not employed in public work as aforesaid, I -assisted the housemaid in her domestic duties, and was indeed a boy -of all work. But taking it all round, I had a good place, and but -for the one defect of never having any money of my own, I might have -remained there until I began to grow a beard. But I could not resist -the temptation of pilfering, because I had never anything of my own, -and so in spite of my comfort and ease I forfeited this good place, and -was suddenly kicked out. I had not yet, it will be seen, discovered for -myself that honesty was the best policy, and I was certainly not one -of those wonderful children of whom we read in prize-books that they -would starve rather than steal. I stole whenever I saw a favourable -opportunity, and when found out and made to suffer therefor, only -blamed my own stupidity in not taking more elaborate precautions. - -My next employment was at a chemist's, and my never ending wonder -is, that I am alive to tell of my experiences there. For it was a -large business, and they employed a light porter, a big boy of about -eighteen, to do the work I was too weak for; and this fellow led me on -to sample portions of the stock, which exercise on several occasions -nearly proved fatal to me. But my direst experience was not due to him -at all. I was sent one day with a basket containing six syphons of soda -to a client's house in Inverness Place, and at the corner of Inverness -Terrace, where it joins the Place, I, resting, saw a fellow errand-boy -approaching. After salutations, he suddenly caught sight of my burden -as I sat upon the handle of the basket, and immediately asked me why I -did not have a drink, and give him some. I, who knew nothing of syphons -and their peculiarities, scoffed at the idea. But he very seriously -gave me to understand that soda water was a kind of sublimated -lemonade, and that it was most easy to get out of these patent bottles, -which indeed were made for the purpose. - -I needed little persuasion to try the experiment, and so in a minute or -two behold me kneeling on the pavement, while that fiend, taking out -one of the syphons, inserted the spout in my mouth, and telling me to -draw hard, pulled the trigger! Merciful powers, shall I, can I, ever -forget the agony of that moment! I felt the impact of that surcharged -stream against my diaphragm, and simultaneously a regurgitating flood -seemed to be beating against my skull, while a double stream poured -down my nostrils. He, the miscreant, yelling with delight, dropped the -syphon on the pavement and fled, leaving me three parts dead, with a -charge against me of something like five shillings and sixpence for a -broken syphon. Fun to him doubtless, but to me!!! - -I must pass rapidly over several other adventures at that fatal shop, -such as my putting a handful of soft soap in my mouth in mistake for -honey, and exuding soapsuds from every pore for hours as it seemed, -eating greedily of ipecacuanha lozenges and worm tablets, both given me -by the light porter, with equally disastrous results, until one fateful -Saturday night came with the remark from the manager as he handed me my -four shillings and sixpence, that I was too volatile for his business, -and that as he did not want a post-mortem on the premises, I had -better not trouble to return on Monday morning. Which valediction I -received as quite in keeping with the recognised scheme of things as -far as I was concerned. - -But I could not help feeling that a crisis in my affairs had arrived, -and I dared not return to my lodging with the now too familiar remark, -"I've got the sack," so forgathering with another boy, similarly -situated, I cut loose from such conventionalities as I had hitherto -preserved; and after a riotous expenditure of sixpence in fried fish -and chips and gingerbeer, we climbed the railings of Kensington -Gardens, and creeping like Indians through the gloom, ensconced -ourselves within the shrubbery by the Serpentine under a heap of plant -matting, and slept soundly till morning. - -That was the beginning of an Arab life in the great city, which, I -suppose, must have had a certain charm for me, in that it was made -up almost entirely of exciting episodes, tempered by the two salient -factors of cold and hunger. I can never remember being warm and -well fed together for more than an hour or two at a time, and those -occasions were so rare as to mark their occurrence indelibly as periods -to be reckoned from. I had no prevision, no ambition except to get -a good feed and a warm place to sleep, no anxiety save to avoid the -policeman, for the School Board Official was not yet in existence, nor -as far as I was aware, any other person whose business it was to look -after waifs and strays such as I was. - -Now, curiously enough, one fact stands out in great prominence for -which I cannot account at all. It will have been noticed that I had, to -put it mildly, no excessive scruples as to taking what did not belong -to me, if I thought I needed it; but one thing I would not, could not, -did not do, was beg. In the whole of that adventurous time of which -I am writing, and afterwards when I was stranded in strange places -between voyages in the early days, although I often suffered most acute -pangs of hunger, I never once asked alms. And that, I think, will be -found quite characteristic of the London street boy. It is a curious, -and, I think, not unsatisfactory feature in his make-up. But there is -no denying that we were all predatory in the highest degree. And this -habit grew upon us, well, I had better say me, in a case of this kind; -until when the lot fell upon me to do the "nicking" for the party, I -went and did it with the most natural air in the world. - -There was nothing melodramatic about it either, no stealthy dartings -from shadow to shadow with an occasional "hist, I am observed," so -dear to the old play-writers. Oh, no. For instance, it once fell to -me to "nick" something, and I have the most precise recollection of -walking deliberately into a large grocer's shop in Westbourne Grove, -its counter laden as usual with samples of goods for sale, and under -the nose of the dumfounded salesman, who had watched me enter, lifting -a large box of biscuits and retreating before he had even attempted -to clear the obstacles between us. And that was only a type of many -such adventures. Since, however, this recital tends to become highly -immoral, I will only quote one more instance which must even yet linger -in the memories of such of its participants as are still alive. - -There used to be a large sweet-stuff shop at the corner of Newton Road, -Westbourne Grove, which did a fine trade, and was very fully stocked. -One night, dared thereunto by some of my companions who had contributed -an extraordinary full and varied meal, I entered this shop and calmly -lifted a large glass off a side shelf, which contained five or six -pounds of chocolate in penny bars covered with silver paper. I took -no precautions whatever, beyond leaving the door wide open, nor did I -hurry. But upon emerging into the Grove I immediately turned up the -dark way of Newton Road, and whistled shrilly for my chums, who were -supposed to be keeping _nix_, although their idea of doing so was to -get as far away as possible in case of accidents. - -I found them all, however, in Kildare Gardens, which used to be reached -by a sort of paved alley way guarded by posts at each end, and was a -most select, silent, and quasi-aristocratic retreat. A veritable oasis -of quiet comfort just off the main artery of Westbourne Grove, then -beginning to be famous through the exertions of Mr W. Whiteley. And -we sat down on the kerb of the central garden in the dark to divide -the spoil. This being done, and each boy's pocket laden with chocolate -sticks, one uneasy wight raised the question, "What should we do with -the show-glass?" The obvious thing would have been to leave it there in -the dark, but when did boys affect the obvious? - -Then arose the genius of the party and propounded a scheme which made -us all cavort with delight (I have said that we were full fed). He -proposed that our quartette should advance upon the first house in that -utterly silent square, one member carrying the glass container, another -the cover, while the other two ascended the steps under the portico and -seized, one the knocker, and the other the bell. Then at a given signal -the glass must be hurled at the front of the house, the knocker banged, -the bell pulled as hard as might be, and--flight. This was at ten p.m. - -The instructions were carried out to the foot of the letter; and never, -not in a mutiny on board ship, or a coolie riot, have I heard so -infernal a row or seen so sudden an upheaval of temporarily mad people. -We four were also suddenly frantic, and in our mad flight up Kildare -Terrace, assisted the tumult by snatching at the bells at the garden -gates as we ran. But on arriving in the Talbot Road, breathless, we -halted, and alter a brief consultation, decided that we would return -and view the result. We did, and we were completely satisfied. The -gardens were full of people, each with a different theory, and the -majority clad in strange garb. We circulated and enjoyed ourselves -listening. But gradually the concourse melted away; and we, quite -happy, stole off to our various lairs. - - - - -CHAPTER III - -FREEDOM AND WANT - - -From the foregoing chapter the reader might hastily arrive at the -conclusion that I was certainly qualifying for inclusion in the ranks -of criminal classes, since I had arrived at the stages of committing -offences against the general peace and well-being without any adequate -reason, and had besides no conscience at all, or a conscience void of -offence, my only dread being the policeman. I don't know that such -a conclusion could be far from the truth, but I would plead that my -predatory instincts had been aroused through no fault of my own, and -had been fostered by the company into which I was inevitably cast. And -then a sudden check was put upon my career, quite by accident, and -I shot off at a tangent for a while into an entirely new branch of -business. - -I met a kind man one day, whose acquaintance I had made about a year -previously, quite by accident. I was hungry and despondent, having been -unable to find a chance job for nearly two days. He pitied me, and -helped me temporarily, but better still offered me employment. He was -a billiard-marker, who had just taken a room at a big public-house at -Notting Hill, and he wanted a little cheap help such as I could give. -So next day I got my first lesson in billiard-marking, and proved, so -he said, a very apt pupil, so apt indeed, that by the end of the first -evening I could be trusted to mark without fear of my displeasing the -players, who, however, were seldom hard to satisfy. And in a week I was -as familiar with the whole atmosphere and _argot_ of the billiard-room, -as if I had been at it all my life. - -Doubtless, to the moralist, I should have appeared to be in very great -danger, but I can only state what I know to be the fact, that although -the talk was almost incessantly of gambling, and a good deal of -drinking went on, I heard nothing in the way of language nearly as bad -as the women in the laundry used habitually, and I never saw any actual -drunkenness. Moreover, since I now always had money in my pocket, being -frequently tipped by the players, I had no temptation to pilfer, and -became suddenly and entirely honest, in act at any rate, if not from -conviction. - -And yet by the very irony of fate, I now for the first time fell -into the clutches of the law, and was terrified more than I had ever -been before. It happened in this way. Among the habitues of the room -was a man whom even I knew to be a sharper, a hawk, who preyed upon -other men's weaknesses and vices. He usually had some callow youth in -training, whom he fleeced until his victim found him out, or had no -more money to spend. He was no welcome visitor, for my employer was -a very decent fellow, and hated swindling; but was constrained by the -necessities of his position to turn a blind side to much that was shady. - -Now our customers seldom came in until the evening, so the afternoon -was devoted to cleaning up and getting ready, or attending upon some -very rare chance customer. One day, at about 3 P.M., there were three -of us in the room, my employer, the sharper, whom we will call Vivian, -and myself. Vivian was idly knocking the balls about, just killing -time, while I was dusting, etc. Presently my employer said to me, "When -Mr Vivian goes, put the cover on, and run down to the ---- Hotel, -and get the set of balls that the marker will hand you. You needn't -hurry, there will be nothing doing till six o'clock. I am going out on -business, and shall be back at seven." He then left, and a few minutes -after Vivian sauntered out also. - -I immediately covered the table, snatched my cap, came out, and locked -the room after me. I did my errand, loitering a good deal on the way, -but got back to the house about six. As soon as I entered the side -door, one of the barmen met me, and told me that I was wanted in the -bar parlour. I had never been into that sacred apartment. Indeed, I -hardly knew the landlord or landlady by sight. But I went, feeling -quite trembly, and was at once confronted by my employer, the landlord -and landlady, and a keen-looking stranger, whom I instinctively shrank -from in dread. - -This latter personage at once began to examine me as to my movements -since I had left the house, so closely, that I felt more and more -afraid, in spite of my perfect innocence, that something was wrong. -But the landlady, a handsome, kindly woman, did her best to reassure -me, continually speaking comfortable words to me, and giving me a -glass of wine. I was gradually losing my fear and becoming indignant -at this cross-examination, when the door opened, and in burst another -of the frequenters of the house, a professional billiard-player, who -had evidently had quite as much drink as was good for him. He burst -into the conversation by attacking my tormentor, and expressing decided -views as to what he would do to any adjective detective who dared to -badger a boy of his. The terrible word detective almost paralysed me -with fright. I had always been afraid of a policeman raised to an -unknown power, and here I was obviously in the toils of one of that -dread fraternity. - -However, my warm and injudicious champion was speedily silenced by -the cold statement that it was none of his business, because between -the hours of 3 and 6 P.M. the landlady's bedroom had been entered and -jewellery to the value of £70 had been stolen, and at present there -seemed to be no one upon whom suspicion could reasonably rest but me. -It was a terrible shock, but though my mouth felt full of dust, and I -shivered as if naked to an east wind, I am glad to remember that I sat -silent and dry-eyed. - -However, there was nothing to be got out of me, and the matter was -compromised on the understanding that I was to go on with my work, -but on no account to leave the premises under pain of being instantly -locked up; and so it came about that for the next four days I lived in -luxury, I had a beautiful bed and the best of food, while the barmaids -and landlady, all firmly convinced of my innocence, showered caresses -and presents on me. Consequently I had no quarrel with my lot, nor did -I repine at not being able to go out. As to the suspicion which hung -over me, I declare I thought no more about it except when I caught the -detective's cold eye upon me, when I shivered involuntarily. - -On the fifth day, at about eight in the evening, we were quite busy, -when Mr Vivian, whom I had not seen for four days, suddenly walked -in. Instantly I recollected that I had forgotten to mention his -leaving the room on the fatal day just before I did. Then I was struck -by the amazing change in his appearance. He had always before been -shabby-genteel, but now the chrysalis had become a butterfly. He wore a -glossy new top-hat, a fur-lined coat, open to display a fashionably-cut -suit beneath, and patent leather shoes. He smoked a big cigar, and -twirled an elaborate cane. With a swagger that compelled attention, he -suggested pool and ordered drinks round, and several being willing, a -round game began. - -Then creeping up to my employer, who appeared as if hypnotised by this -gorgeous vision, I whispered my suspicions. Mr T.'s face lighted up, -and presently he slipped out of the room, returning with the detective. -There was no fuss; at the conclusion of the game the detective invited -Mr Vivian outside, and in the result, the affair being fully brought -home to him, he was sentenced to a long term of imprisonment. It -appeared that when he left the billiard-room on the day in question, -he had gone upstairs instead of down, the house being almost deserted, -and entering the first room on the next landing which stood open, he -had seen the landlady's jewellery lying on the dressing-table, had -promptly swept it up, and departed; and he would doubtless have escaped -scot-free on account of my stupidity in forgetting about his being -there at the time, but for the madness which had prompted him to return -and flaunt his fine feathers in his old haunts. - -I was considerably petted by all, and the landlady gave me five -shillings as well as many kisses. But, alas! only a short time -afterwards the house changed hands, and my good friend Mr T. being out -of employment, I, too, was once more cast upon my own resources, but -this time better off in respect of clothes than I had been for a long -time. - -I led an extraordinarily nomad life for the next few weeks, just -keeping alive by doing any jobs that came along, but having my few -clothes that I had accumulated beyond my immediate wearing safely -stored with an old woman, who gave me a shelter when hard pressed, -but whom I did not trouble much. And then another acquaintance got -me a job on some new buildings that were being erected on the site -of an old rookery of tumbledown dwellings, what is now Clanricarde -Gardens, Notting Hill. It was an entirely new departure for me, but I -was somewhat versatile, and easily acquired the necessary details to -enable me to make a show at least at whatever I got a chance to do. -My first duty was as time-keeper, and my orders were to allow five -minutes' grace to laggards, of whatever class they might be. But here, -alas! my conscientious desire to obey my instructions soon made me an -object of detestation to everybody on the works except my employer. My -book, which I kept with the most rigid justice, was questioned by every -delinquent, and I was speedily given to understand that unless I turned -a blind eye to the clock, and allowed late comers to pass in without -making an entry against them in my book, my life would not only not be -worth living, but it was darkly hinted that it would be a very short -one. - -Then for the first time I learned how devoid of the most elementary -principles of justice was the average British workman. Turn a blind -eye to his failings and sing loudly his praises, he will laud you to -the skies, but only hint that he has his faults, and immediately you -are his enemy, to be pursued with relentless ferocity. It was a bitter -lesson, but I learned it thoroughly, and I can never forget the faces -distorted by passion, and the cruel threats weighted by terrible oaths -which were hurled against me on pay day, when "quarters" were stopped -on my evidence, merely because I did what I was told. - -I only held that position a fortnight, when, yielding to pressure, the -boss removed me and made me an assistant to a moulder of ornaments in -Roman cement for the fronts of the houses. This was dirty work, but not -very hard, and the moulder being an old soldier of the Mutiny time, -and garrulous in the extreme about his experiences, I was quite happy. -My wages were about eight shillings a week, and the hours from six to -six, with an hour and a half for meals, not at all severe. So, upon -reflection, I am inclined to think that this was the happiest of all -my boyish days ashore, always excluding of course the sheltered time I -spent under my aunt's roof. - -To my great sorrow this good time came to an end with the finishing -of the houses, and I was again adrift. And now let me say in deepest -gratitude, that through cold, hunger, wet, and sleeping out, I do not -remember ever ailing anything. True, I was stunted in my growth owing -to privation, but I was wiry, and except for the curse of bad teeth, I -do not think I ever had an ache or pain except the transient ones of -cold and hunger. But my great sorrow, continually haunting me, was the -fact that I never was able to get permanent employment. No sooner did -I seem to get settled and satisfied, than some catastrophe or other -would come along and heave me out into unattached desolation again. I -was like a homeless dog, ready to fawn upon any possible proprietor, -and gladly give up my hated freedom for the certainty of continuous -employment. - -Now I had heard many things about life at sea, for an uncle of mine, -whom I had not seen for years, had commanded ships for a long time, and -his remarks upon the sailor's life I had often drank in with greedy -care. Nothing that he ever said gave me the slightest desire to adopt -his career, for from my earliest recollection I had an analytical -mind, and I really had no desire to seek adventure at the cost of -all that most people consider makes life worth living. I am afraid -my bent was essentially bourgeois, strengthened and set as time wore -on and experience came to me. I felt that I could understand, dimly -perhaps but certainly, how boys who had never known a hardship, a want -unsupplied, should be led away by the glamour of what they read, but -how ever a boy who knew what the stress and struggle of life meant -ashore could go to sea knowingly, to encounter conditions far worse, I -did not understand. - -And now, for me at least, the explanation came. It was continuity -of employment. You might not like your job, or your employer might -be entirely dissatisfied with you, but you were compelled to put up -with each other until the passage was over, at anyrate. This made -the prospect of sea-life tolerable to me. I was under absolutely no -apprehensions as to romantic adventure, for I was certainly not the -stuff of which adventurers are made. All my adventures had been forced -upon me, and I was never so happy as when I was under somebody's -command, if that somebody would only give me an encouraging word now -and then. - -So I determined to try and get to sea. But owing to my puny size I -found it very difficult. I was told that the easiest way to begin was -to hang about a certain public-house in Thames Street, whither coasting -skippers used to resort for their crews. It was just opposite the -Custom-House steps, and was called the King's Head (or Arms). A certain -individual, popularly known as Sam, who was, I suppose, a species of -crimp, was always in evidence and acted as go-between. To him came all -sorts of rough coasting skippers, masters of barges, of "billy-boys," -ketches and schooners, in quest of men and boys, and the latter looked -to him as their earthly providence. - -How he got paid I do not know, a certain commission from both sides -was paid him, I expect. The candidates were allowed to haunt a grim -den, a tap-room at the back of the public-house, where a good fire was -always blazing, and though dark and gloomy in the extreme, it afforded -a shelter from the bitter blasts which swept down that grimiest of -London's business thoroughfares. - -I am afraid that it is impossible for me to attempt any adequate -description of the time I spent looking for a ship in this terrible -place. I had to live, and did, but how I hardly know, for so small -an urchin as I stood but little chance in the incessant struggle for -employment that went on down there. But I had learned to live upon -very little, and it is an incontrovertible fact that the stomach of -a young human being that has never known pampering can assimilate -food that should, theoretically, derange the digestion of an ostrich. -For instance, Fresh Wharf, Thames Street, was the rendezvous of many -steamers from Spain, laden with dried fruits, nuts, oranges, etc. In -the handling of cases, sacks, and other packages, there was a good -deal of breakage, and I could often snatch a few handfuls of currants, -nuts, raisins, etc. I always ate of them ravenously, in spite of their -copious admixture of dust and dirt, but even after devouring a couple -of pounds of currants I never remember feeling the slightest ill -effects. - -But when by some happy chance I managed to get hold of a few coppers, -there was a cook shop opposite the main entrance to Billingsgate Market -that never failed to attract me. Their specialité was pea-soup, which -was exposed most temptingly in a large tank in one of the windows. It -was sold at twopence a basin; but the half basin for a penny, not -being carefully measured, lacked very little of being full. Moreover, -to the initiate, there were degrees in the quality of this soup. It was -freshly made on Monday, and even then was good. On Tuesday, however, -the thick residue at the bottom of the tank remaining unsold was left, -and the usual ingredients for a fresh mess were added to it, making -it much richer and more substantial. On Wednesday, this process was -repeated, with the result that Wednesday's soup was a thick pureé in -which a spoon would stand erect, and he who could buy a penn'orth and -eat it with a ha'penny hunk of bread, could go in the strength of that -meal for twenty-four hours without any inconvenience. At least I can -say for myself that I very often did, and my appetite in those days -was terrible, abnormal. I really do not seem ever to have been fully -satisfied. - -One thing I have reason to be thankful for; my pilfering propensities -had almost entirely disappeared, for with the exception of an -occasional roll from a baker's shop, or some unconsidered trifle of -cheese or the dried fruit aforesaid, I never took what was not mine, -and when I did, it was only under the pressure of great hunger. - -Once I made a serious mistake which gave me a bitter pang, -disappointment so keen that I feel the sting of it even now sometimes. -I was ravenously hungry, and there seemed to be no possibility of -getting anything to eat. So diving down into the shell-fish market -beneath the main building of Billingsgate, I watched my opportunity, -and filled the breast of my shirt with whelks from a mighty tubful. -My booty secured, I hastened back to the gloomy tap-room, there to -devour my prize, but was immediately confronted with the difficulty of -extracting the whelks from their shells. - -I had often seen it done by the men who kept whelk stalls in the -streets, and it looked ridiculously easy. But I could not do it, and -I was fain at last to smash the shells, no easy task either. Then -clearing the mollusc from débris I tried to eat it, but it was quite -impossible, it was tougher than gutta-percha, and I realised that my -whelks were unboiled! These morsels require immense masticatory powers -to deal with them at any time, but uncooked they would defy the jaws of -a stone-crusher. - -So time passed, oh so slowly, and although I made frequent appeals to -Sam, he always looked at me indulgently, and told me to wait a bit. -And every day I saw men and boys being shipped, and practising the -recognised ritual, by virtue of which they were permitted to use the -public-house as a house of call. This consisted of receiving from the -skipper engaging them a shilling for handsel money, which coin was -always spent in two pots of beer and two screws of shag, which was -shared by all the waiting ones. It was of no use to me, for I neither -drank beer or smoked tobacco, but although I would have been glad to -take my share in coin, if only a ha'penny, that was not to be thought -of. - -One adventure befell me about this time, which left a most vivid -impression on me. Among the fellows who hung about looking to Sam -for a ship would be occasionally a big boy warmly clad in coarse -nautical clothing, and an indefinable air about him of being under -some invisible supervision. One of these fellows became quite friendly -with me, and at last in a burst of confidence informed me that he -had been in prison for some minor offence, and that by the bounty of -the authorities he had been clothed as I saw him, and every night a -shilling was given to him for his maintenance while looking for a -ship, which he was sure to get before long, because Sam had special -instructions on his behalf. - -One night my new found friend informed me that he was going to sea the -next day, and invited me to share his hospitality, with the special -inducement that I should be introduced to his sweetheart. I accepted -with grateful alacrity, and soon after dark I accompanied him to -the purlieus of Spitalfields to a rag-and-bottle shop kept by his -inamorata's father. The shop was frowsty and mildewy as these places -must be, and the old man might well have served Dickens as a model -for Krook, but he was very affable, and his buxom slatternly daughter -was obviously much in love with my companion. At any rate a feast of -fried fish and potatoes and bread were spread for us, and although our -surroundings savoured of the charnel-house, and the only light was from -a tallow dip in a ginger-beer bottle, I fully enjoyed my meal, not that -I got enough, but the razor edge was certainly taken off my hunger. - -After we had eaten, the old man sent me out for a quartern of gin, -which was diluted with hot water and sugar, and shared by the three--I -had some drink from the tap. Then the old merchant engaged my -attention with some, to me, absolutely unintelligible conversation, -while his daughter and her young man, seated upon a pile of mixed -coloured (rags), made ostentatious love to each other. It was all very -uninteresting to me, and I was growing weary of it, when at last Jem, -my friend, rose, and bidding his host and sweetheart good-night bade me -follow him. - -I went unquestioningly, he regaling me all the way with descriptions of -the great career which lay before him when he should marry Jemima, and -succeed to the old man's business--which to him apparently contained -the potentialities of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. But, oh the -weary trudge! I was ready to drop where I stood, when he turned and -went into a lodging-house in one of the slums of Westminster, paying -threepence each for us at a little office at the door. Thence we passed -into a large room with plain benches and tables, at which sat a large -number of rough-looking men, none of whom however took any notice of -us. There was an immense kitchen range at one side of this room, -with a splendid fire blazing, and at the sides a number of kettles, -frying-pans, and gridirons. - -My companion then gave me sixpence and sent me out marketing. I bought -a ha'porth of tea and sugar (mixed), a farthing's worth of milk, a -penn'orth of butter, half a loaf (twopence), and two fine bloaters for -three halfpence, returning with my load and three farthings change. -We had a wash, made our tea, and thoroughly enjoyed an ample meal in -comfort, after which, so sleepy was I, that I could hardly sit up, -though I endeavoured to read an old newspaper. I had just whispered a -query to Jem as to whether I couldn't get to bed, when the door-keeper -came in and beckoned me, retreating at the same time towards the door. -I followed him, and when we reached his office he silently placed three -pennies in my hand, then said, "Get out o' this." I looked appealingly, -questioningly at him, but his stern face and pointed finger did not -invite delay, so I slunk out into the night and down to St James's -Park, where, climbing over the railings, I found a quiet spot in a -shrubbery, and laid me down to sleep; a little shivery, but quite easy -in my mind. - - - - -CHAPTER IV - -MY TRADE APPRENTICESHIP FINISHES - - -Undoubtedly there was a good deal of mystery about the proceedings -which closed the last chapter, but I was in those days very little -concerned with causes, I had enough trouble with results. So I did not -try to speculate, only feeling glad that my friend was evidently all -right. And after all I had spent a very pleasant evening, my belly -was nearly full, and I was threepence to the good. So why worry, more -especially as it was certain that any attempt at investigation on my -part could only lead to trouble for me, and I was ever anxious to avoid -trouble of any kind. - -In the course of the day I drifted down to the King's Arms again, but -saw nothing of my friend. So towards evening, I made bold to ask Sam if -he had seen him, and received the reply that he had sailed that morning -in a schooner for Spain. I have never seen him since, but I have not -been able to forget him. - -One never-failing source of amusement I had during this long weary -time, for even if hungry and cold young things will try to play, was -in the Tower of London, into which I often dodged past the guards. I -was often caught and driven back, but that only whetted my appetite -for getting in. In my numerous visits I explored many portions of the -old building that visitors never see, and I had many a good meal given -me by the kind-hearted mess-cooks of the garrison. And by stealthily -joining myself on to parties of visitors, I went the rounds of all the -showplaces, into which entrance in those days could only be had by -payment, and was mightily amused at hearing the same old story told -with hardly an altered word by the "beef-eaters." - -I have mentioned this particularly, because opportunities for play -in that stern and dingy quarter of London were very few, and when I -got out of Thames Street for a brief space into the cloister-like -atmosphere of the Tower, I really did feel as if I was in another -world, and I never quite got rid of that eerie feeling when I was alone -in some unfrequented corner, that I was moving among a crowd of ghosts, -who in the past had suffered and died within those grim walls. One -night I found myself belated in the horse armoury, and as I could not -find my way out, and dared not call, for that I knew I had no business -there, I curled myself up in a snug corner and went to sleep, awaking -in the morning with the sun streaming into my eyes, and with a firm -determination to run no such risk again. I got in there by climbing -over a big gate with a cheval-de-frise on the top, and I got out the -same way without being observed. I suppose if I had been caught my -punishment would have been something mediæval, for the crime was, to -say the least of it, unusual. - -And now the grim fact began to thrust itself upon me without -possibility of mistake that it was hopeless ever to expect to get a -ship by doing as I was doing. The vessels that got their crews in this -way were all pitifully undermanned, and consequently whoever was chosen -for employment in one of them must of necessity be strong and inured to -hard work. Indeed, this choice was carried so far, that the skippers -invariably felt the hands of the candidates, and if they were not -calloused like the skin of a yam, the defect was fatal, supposing that -there was any competition. My hands were only felt once, and that more -I suspect as a matter of form, for nothing came of it. - -At last I asked Sam timidly if he really thought I stood any chance of -getting a ship there. He looked down at me as if he had just seen me -for the first time, pondered a moment (but about nothing I am sure), -then suddenly remembering my question, said, "Oh no, not till you've -a-growed a bit. You better stow-away." I said, "Thank you, sir," and -moved off fully determined, whatever happened, not to stow-away. Going -to sea, I thought, was bad enough in any case, but from what I had -heard stowaways stood a good chance of getting first a good hammering, -then a tremendous lot of hard work, and very little food, and prison -at the journey's end. It was a programme that did not appeal to me. - -Nevertheless, it was with a sinking heart that I turned away from -Thames Street that night. I felt that I could not hold my own in the -rough and tumble life of the streets much longer, and I craved with all -my heart and soul for a master. I know that there are boys who, even -in good homes, have the nomad instinct so strongly implanted that they -cannot be contented anywhere, will endure, nay, embrace voluntarily all -kinds of privation, so long as they may vagabondise, but I was not one -of them. My early training was all against it. I longed for a home, -and to have some one in authority over me, although I could not help -admitting to myself that I had not made the best of my chances, such as -they were. - -But as the darkest hour is just before the dawn according to the adage, -so when my prospects of getting to sea were at what appeared to be the -lowest ebb, I suddenly bethought me of the possibility of finding my -uncle, whom I have before alluded to as being master of a ship. More by -accident than design, I discovered him, and although he was evidently -not overjoyed to see me he agreed to take me to sea with him at the -wage of five shillings per month. - -Of my early experiences at sea, I have told at length in the "Log of a -Sea Waif," and therefore I cannot repeat them here. I can only point -out that there seemed to be a fatality about the matter, something -working against my becoming a seafarer, since I was shipwrecked on my -first voyage and landed in Havana, where, because of the old trouble, -my puny size, I could not get a ship, and consequently I returned to -one of my old employments, namely, that of billiard-marker. It was at -the Hotel St Isabel in the Plaza de Armas, and here for some months -I led a very happy if entirely demoralising life for one so young. I -received no wages, but the best of food and lodging, and the tips given -me by the frequenters of the billiard-room were so many that I always -had plenty of money. - -But strangely enough, although I certainly ought to have known the -value of money from my previous training, now being provided liberally -with all I needed, I made no attempt to save, but distributed my wealth -among the sailors at the port, with whom I always forgathered when not -on duty. Thus it came about that when I was one day taken charge of by -the Consul again, and after he had scolded and threatened me for some -time, because, as he said, I had dared to remove myself from his care -without his permission, I was entirely penniless. - -He put me on board a vessel bound for home via Mobile, Alabama, and -when I reached Liverpool I was not merely penniless, I was almost -naked, and it was winter. I had no claim upon anybody for wages, no -knowledge of where to go, and I felt as if the fates had indeed been -unkind to me. But I found a good Samaritan in the guise of a poor -woman, who kept a small eating-house, and she took me in and allowed -me to work for my keep. And thus I added one more to my smattering -of trades, that of waiter; the maid-of-all-work part I was very -well versed in. It was all the kinder of her, because the business -was hardly substantial enough to support even the slight additional -burden which I placed upon it. Our principal trade was with the -poverty-stricken dock-labourers, whose orders were usually for a -basin of broth at a penny and a ha'porth of bread, except when flush, -they were able to treat themselves to a twopenny plate of potato-pie. -Everybody seemed to be bitterly poor, and it was little wonder to -me that when a sailor just paid off did happen to come in and show -the gleam of gold, eyes grew wolfish and fingers involuntary crooked -themselves. - -I had not been there more than a couple of months, when my mistress -gave me clearly to understand that I must be off, for she could not -support me any longer; although God knows I did work hard for every -mouthful I ate (and I was never stinted). Then chance threw in my -way an opportunity of trying yet another trade, that of carver of -ornamental wood work for ship decoration. The workshop was next door, -and I had made the proprietor's acquaintance through running in there -occasionally for chips. But I do not think I should ever have dreamed -of asking him for employment, if my mistress had not one day, when in -conversation with him, mentioned that she was going to start me off. -In the goodness of his heart he offered me employment, and I leaped at -the offer. I started work the very next morning, for my keep, though -what he paid my late mistress I never knew. I was an apt pupil, and he -was very kind, so that I soon became quite useful to him. I learned -to sharpen the multitude of tools he used, and also to rough out with -mallet and chisel the carvings that he and his brother finished off. - -It was congenial and pleasant work, and I felt as if at last I had -found my groove, and that I was destined to be a wood-carver. But -alas my evil genius was on my track. I pleased my employer too well. -So well indeed, that his brother, older than he, but a journeyman -under him, became violently jealous of me, and lost no opportunity of -showing his dislike. That, however, did not trouble me much, except -when my boss was away, which was seldom, because under his benevolent -eye I was entirely happy and stimulated to do my very best. Even at -this great lapse of time I remember with a glow at my heart, how -gently he reproved me for the mistakes I made, how warmly he praised -me whenever I was able to do exactly what he wished me to do, and I -have no recollection whatever of his ever being harsh, unjust, or even -inconsiderate. - -He had many odd jobs of repairing to do, the ornamental work on ship's -bows and sterns was always getting knocked away when coming into or -going out of dock; and generally it had to be repaired _in situ_, only -the worst damage being worked over in the shop and then taken down -and fitted on. There was something to me very delightful in sitting -alongside him on a precarious-looking stage overhanging the black water -in a dock, listening to his cheery remarks, his clear tenor as he sang -snatches of song, or his whistle, melodious as a skylark's. He never -seemed to be weary or discouraged, or ill-tempered; and I know that I -rendered him all the loving homage of which I was capable. - -It was often bitterly cold as we swang on our stages in those exposed -positions, but it never seemed to affect him, his blows with the -chisel upon the intricate design before him never seemed to vary their -certitude or his patience, to falter, even when a cross-grained piece -of wood did fly and spoil the pattern. And then how delightful at -meal times, when we were too far from home to go thither for food, to -accompany him to some cosy cook-shop, and eat with him, treated just as -his son, I was going to say, only unhappily I know that he treated me -far far better than many fathers treat their sons. - -Unfortunately as the time went on it became increasingly evident that -this present happiness of mine was drawing rapidly near its end. The -brother of whom I spoke was a most morose and sullen man, a very poor -workman, who could never be trusted to do a job properly, not I should -say lazy, but incapable of doing good work, and fully conscious of -the fact. He would not have earned his salt anywhere, but his good -brother kept him on out of charity. Now my presence there annoyed him, -and whenever I was left alone with him he used to give me a very bad -time. And when his brother returned he always made an evil report of -my behaviour, but I had the satisfaction of feeling that he was not -believed, as indeed he did not deserve to be. - -At last, however, the matter culminated in this way. The boss was -working upon one of the African boats, and had left me with his brother -to do some cross-cut sawing. Now every one should know that this is -heavy work even for practised men, and when a boy of thirteen and a man -of thirty are working together, the man ought to remember the disparity -between their ages and strength. But this only gave my small-witted -enemy his opportunity, and when I had perforce to stop from fatigue he -burst into a flood of sarcastic swearing. When he paused for breath, I -made some injudicious reply, and was immediately sent flying across the -shop by a blow on the side of the head. Smarting with pain I snatched -up a mallet, and flung it at the coward with all my strength, and I am -glad to say it landed on his nose, even though my successful shot was -productive of much serious trouble for me. - -Then I bolted from the place, for I feared that he would kill me, as -indeed I daresay he would have done had I remained. That evening -my good friend came into the cook-shop, and found me sitting white -and trembling, waiting for him. He was as usual very kind, though he -reproved me gravely for having broken his brother's nose. But when he -asked me if I wasn't sorry for having done it, I gladly remember that I -truthfully told him no. A ghost of a smile gathered around his mouth, -but shaking his head he went on to say, "I'm terribly sorry to part -with you, Tommy, for I had got very fond of you, but I've got to choose -between you and my brother, and I can't turn him off. He swears he will -murder you when he sees you, so you'll have to go. Poor little boy, I -do hope you'll get something else soon." And with that he pressed half -a sovereign into my hand, and went away. - -I need not enlarge upon the fact of its being a terrible blow to me, -nor apologise for shedding a good many hot tears after he was gone, -because he was the first person during my independent career who had -satisfied my burning desire to be loved. I felt that he was fond of me, -and knew that his lightest word of commendation was more precious to -me than any treasure would have been. I glory in the knowledge that he -never once had to scold me for anything but mistakes. I did try with -all my heart and soul to please him, because I loved him, and now I had -lost him. And the wide world before me again looked very unsympathetic -and dreary. - -Somehow Liverpool seemed very distasteful to me. My weary wanderings -around the docks, and the continual unsuccess I had met with in looking -for a ship, had made me feel as if I might possibly do better in my own -big village, and I realised that I now possessed the means of getting -back to it again. So the next morning I bade farewell to Mrs Dickey, my -landlady, who was quite unmoved at the parting, for she was very angry -with me for getting the sack, as she termed it, and toddled off to Lime -Street, where I had no difficulty whatever in getting a half ticket to -London, nor felt troubled because after paying for it I had only 1s. -7½d. left out of my precious half-sovereign. - -I must not omit to mention that Mrs Dickey gave me a big hunk of bread -and cheese when I told her that I was going to London, but she did -not give me a kiss, which I should have prized far more, for I was an -affectionate little chap, and was starving for love. But, poor woman, -she was heavily burdened, and no doubt was heartily glad to get rid of -me, although I cannot think that she had ever been out of pocket by me, -for I certainly earned my keep. Still she did not want me, so there is -no more to be said. - -It was a glorious spring day, and the novelty of my first long train -journey made me forget all my troubles. Moreover, I felt full of -importance to think that I was a passenger by that great train. Every -inch of that journey was full of interest to me. I had a seat by the -window, and my eyes fairly ached with the intensity of my gaze out over -the beautiful country of which, until then, I had seen practically -nothing. I remember that I spoke to no one, and no one spoke to me, -though several of my fellow-passengers must have wondered who or what -was the ill-clad urchin who sat so quietly and gazed so intently at the -flying landscape. - -I was quite sorry when the train arrived at Euston, and I had to -march out into the mean net-work of streets which surround the badly -situated station, for now I began to wonder what I should do in the -vast city which was my birth-place, but in which I had no friends or -abiding-corner. It was all so familiar, and yet so inhospitable. Had -I only known where to look, there were many places where I could have -found shelter and help, but for lack of that useful knowledge, how many -wanderers like myself have died? - -One thing I felt certain of, which was that I could not now take my -place among the ranks of my former companions, I could not compete with -them for sale of papers, or the numerous odd jobs that boys can do. For -one thing I had never been much of a pusher--I was always more ready to -stand aside than to press forward in the race for a job, though willing -enough to take one if I got the chance--and for another, I had lost the -sense of familiarity with those conditions of life ashore, while the -new experience I had gained was here of no use to me. - -Therefore I made no effort in this direction, but after wandering -aimlessly about until I was dog tired, I went down the West India Dock -Road until I came to a house with the legend painted up--"Seamen's -Boarding House," and knocked at its door with my heart thumping -furiously. A terrible looking man with a great grizzled beard and a -voice like a foghorn came to the door and looked at me in silence. I -swallowed nothing once or twice, then taking out my discharge from -my last ship, which I had treasured as if it were a bank-note for a -hundred pounds, I said, "Please, Sir, may I stay here. I want a ship -and I've got a good discharge. I'll pay you out of my advance if you'll -get me a ship." He growled. - -"Wher's yer dunnage (clothes)?" I answered faintly, "I've got none, -I was shipwrecked." He hesitated for a moment, then rumbled, "come -inside," and with my heart leaping, I went into a stuffy front parlour, -where sat two or three men, obviously ill at ease, and a fat pale faced -woman who was looking fixedly in the fire. Taking me by the shoulder, -the boarding-master led me up to the woman saying-- - -"Here, mother, here's an able seaman wants to stop here. He's got no -clothes and no money, but he says he'll pay me out of his advance note." - -Then I saw with a wave of pity that she was blind. She turned at the -voice and put out both hands, touching me and feeling me from my -forehead down to my waist. - -"Why, Bill," she cried, "its only a child, a poor little boy," and with -a motherly movement she drew me to her, and felt me all over again. -Then she asked me many questions, all of which I answered with absolute -truth, for there could be no reason why I should not. And at the -conclusion of her examination I was entered on the books of the house -as a boarder, while the master went growling about saying that at this -rate he would soon be in the workhouse. But the old lady kept me by -her side and whispered that it was only Mr Jones's fun, he didn't mean -anything by it, and that he would surely do his best to get me a ship -soon. - -This was true, for though he was always grumpy, and given to regaling -his boarders at meal times with lugubrious forebodings of his speedy -entrance to Poplar Workhouse, with victuals at the price they were and -so many hungry outward-bounders to feed, I know he did his best for me; -did it so well, that in five days from entering his house I obtained -a ship as boy with a wage of twenty-five shillings per month, to my -intense surprise. I received, like the rest of the crew, a note for a -month's advance, which I handed over to him at once. Out of this he -gave me a small supply of most necessary clothes bought second hand, so -that he must have dealt with me not merely honestly but in a spirit of -generosity. - -And now I come to the close of my shore apprenticeship, as it may -be termed, for although I had a very severe time upon my return to -Liverpool from that voyage (again shipwrecked), I never again but once -had a job ashore until I left the sea as a profession finally. That -time I spent upon a farm in New Zealand, and although it certainly had -its comic side, I was such an utterly complete failure at it that I -blush now when I think of the figure I made. Fortunately it did not -last long, about two months, and in spite of my colossal ineptitude I -really think I earned all that I received, which was my keep and a pair -of boots. - -Not indeed that I could have claimed to have been a shining success in -any of the various commercial paths wherein I had strayed, more or less -painfully, but I must plead that I was very young, and entirely without -the guidance which youngsters have a right to expect from their elders. -And now I must make a jump of a great many years, to the time in fact -when relentless need drove me into commercialism again. And with this -what I suppose I must call the serious part of my narrative begins. - - - - -CHAPTER V - -INTO TRADE IN SPITE OF MYSELF - - -Splendid and universal as are the attainments of seamen, it is only the -bare truth to say that one of the rarest qualifications to find among -them is commercial aptitude. There are, of course, notable exceptions, -and in the days when masters and officers of vessels were allowed to -add to their income substantially by trade with the natives of the -countries which they visited, and were granted a certain amount of -space in the hold wherein to store the merchandise they bought, the -trading instinct must have been fairly general. Indeed there are not -wanting cynics at sea to-day, who will tell you that what with the -slop-chest, tobacco selling, and the outrageous rates of exchange, -many a deep water skipper of a sailing ship could give points to an -Armenian. And the latter is supposed by sailors to be equal in, let us -call it trading power, to five Parsees, one of whom again equals five -Jews. - -But I do not think this is fair. It does not follow that a man is a -born trader because he can sell necessaries to people who must have -them from him or go without, and cannot go without. It only argues -lack of conscience on the part of the seller. And to expect, without -lack of competition, the same characteristics would, I am afraid, -be indicative of a weak mind. At any rate I am quite certain that, -speaking generally, a sailor when he comes ashore is helpless in the -hands of business people, and that it is a very long while before he is -able to think their thoughts and walk in their ways. - -So when I first settled down ashore to steady employment in an -office at a fixed salary of £2 per week, after fifteen years of -irresponsibility as regards domestic affairs, I quickly learned that -I was very callow indeed in those matters. My first false step was in -buying furniture, wherewith to make a home, on the hire system. It -must be remembered that I had a wife and one child, but that I was -practically beginning a new life. And I did so by hanging round my neck -a burden of debt which I did not get rid of for fifteen years, and -then--but I must not anticipate the regular sequence of my story. - -The next was to take a house. I had tried apartments several times, but -something always went wrong, I was always made to feel that I was only -in the house on sufferance, and being an enthusiast for peace, I always -moved rather than have a row. But moving as a fairly regular experience -is apt to pall upon one. It costs a good deal of money even when you -hire the local greengrocer's van and horse at one and sixpence an -hour, and it is very hard work, for unless you buckle to and do the -lion's share yourself, you find at nightfall that you have just got in, -you have parted with the bulk of your savings, and the best part of a -heavy night's work is before you, putting up bedsteads and reducing the -chaotic heap of your belongings to a condition in which you can find -what you want within reasonable distance of the time that you want it. - -For this and other reasons which I need not now specify I decided to -take a house. I satisfied myself that by letting the floor below and -the floor above the one I intended to keep for ourselves at the current -rate in the neighbourhood, carefully ascertained beforehand, that I -should live rent free or nearly so, and of course in a neighbourhood -like that it was unthinkable that I should ever be empty. I mean the -house of course. By which process of reasoning I demonstrated that I -possessed one of the prime requirements of a tradesman--hope that my -venture would be justified by the profit on my outlay. - -But, alas, I was not made of the fibre necessary in order to be a -successful sub-landlord. By the end of the first year of my tenancy -I had come to the conclusion that I was a known mark for all the -undesirables in the neighbourhood. If a tenant was clean he was utterly -unreasonable, looking upon me as his bond-slave, and his right to do -as he liked indefeasible, even though it might be destructive to my -peace of mind or rest of body. And his one argument in reply to any -remonstrance was, "I pay my rent and can go where I like. And don't you -interfere with me." - -Amiable tenants found excuses for non-payment of rent or were dirty. -One I remember brought a sofa into the house the stuffing of which -I think must have been mainly bugs. I learned of this by the house -becoming infested beyond belief, and seeing hordes of these odoriferous -insects coming downstairs. This led to my making enquiries, when the -origin or hotbed was found to be the sofa aforesaid. Nothing could have -been more amiable than the manner in which my mild remonstrances were -received or more suave than the manner in which my modest request for -a small contribution towards the heavy expense of getting the house -cleansed and fumigated was denied. - -Other lodgers smilingly avowed their inability to pay their rent, and -playfully urged me to get it if I could. Others fought furious battles -overhead, or engaged in gymnastic exercises which brought the ceilings -down, or contracted an offensive and defensive alliance with each other -(the top and bottom floors), with the avowed object of making us "sit -up," in which I may add they were surprisingly successful. - -I do not say that I never had a desirable or satisfactory tenant, -because I had several, but alas, I never had two sets of desirable -tenants at the same time. And one of the nicest families I ever let -my ground floor to, seven in number, developed scarlet fever and gave -me perhaps more anxiety and put me to more expense than all the rest -put together. Taking them all round though, I can see there was ample -copy among them for a book on queer tenants. There were the widow -and her two daughters, aged respectively seventeen and fourteen. The -latter used to take turn about to beat their mother, and the screams -would at once attract a crowd, for it was a populous street. Then when -I interfered, the whole three would turn upon me, the mother fiercest -of all, and threaten me with unheard of penalties for daring to -interfere with their _menus plaisirs_. There was a fine specimen of a -British working man, who for six days of the week was a credit to his -country; clean, punctual, honest, and hard working. But on Saturday -night he invariably got partially drunk, and after eleven P.M. amused -himself until about 1 A.M. by stamping heavily up and down stairs, -along the passage, past my door, out of the front door, slamming it -behind him with great violence, immediately re-entering and repeating -the performance, and all the time uttering the most bloodthirsty and -blasphemous threats against me. Me! who never exchanged a word with -him, and against whom I could have had no possible ground of complaint, -except perhaps that he, being a socialist of the Keir Hardie or Will -Crooks type, was bound to show his resentment for having to pay me -rent. - -But I must not multiply instances, though the temptation to do so is -very great, but pass on to what must have appeared to the reader to be -the inevitable result. I got behind with _my_ rent. Worry began to prey -upon me, to gnaw my vitals, and make me look almost despairingly around -for some means of earning more money. Fortunately for me, my landlord -was a kind hearted tradesman, who had a splendid business of his own, -and who had invested some of the profits in this house which I rented. -I paid my rent direct to him, and always met with the most kindly -consideration short of letting me off paying altogether, which I could -not expect. - -Unhappily, however, his kindness led to the inevitable result. He -became my last resource. Creditors who would not wait got paid while -he continued to wait. Finding that he would take excuses and grant -delays which no one else would, I grew to depend upon him, and what was -worse, to feel aggrieved because others were not like-minded. It is -a vicious circle in which an enormous number of people travel, but I -think it will be found that the majority of them are too soft-hearted -to insist upon their own dues being paid them promptly, and are always -filled with wonder that their creditors are not actuated by the same -benevolent sentiments. - -Meanwhile, if the charge of unbusiness-like and soft-hearted habits -could justly have been laid to my charge, extravagance certainly could -not. I lived personally poorer than any day labourer, scarcely ever -tasting meat except on Sunday, and then only the cheapest and coarsest -parts of the animal, which my skill in cookery rendered palatable in -stews and curries to all of us. I walked to and fro to business--a -matter of ten miles--daily, and never spent a penny for anything but -absolute necessaries. My sole recreation was in open air meetings for -religious purposes, which to me were theatre, circus, and concert all -in one. Yet I grew steadily poorer, and as to saving, well, the only -possible means of doing that was by insuring my life, which I am glad -to say I did to the amount of ten shillings a month, the utmost I could -spare. - -I only mention these few details to show how I was being steadily -thrust in the direction of doing something outside my regular office -work, something to utilise the time which I felt was being wasted. My -long sea-training had made me an early riser, indeed I could get up -cheerfully at any time (and can still), and nothing was more irksome to -me than lying abed after my body was satisfied with rest. I used to get -up at most unearthly hours in the summer and go long walks with a book, -and lie and read after I came home at night until I could see no more. -Yet, thank God, I am writing this in a minute hand at the age of fifty, -without spectacles or feeling the need of them. - -Constantly the thought would intrude itself, "why can't I get something -to do during the hours I am free from the office and don't want to -sleep?" My fellow-clerks, with but very few exceptions, had outside -employment, but this was usually literary, and for that I felt I had -neither aptitude nor training. Mechanical bent I felt sure I had none, -for I could hardly drive a nail or put a screw in without spoiling the -head. In short, I felt that I was a drug in the market, a passable -seaman perhaps, but I had thrown that employment behind me for ever, -and now I was a very mediocre _junior_ clerk, getting on into middle -age and being reminded of my deficiencies--which, alas, I knew only too -well--every day by my superiors. - -Since these are confessions, shall I be blamed for saying that I prayed -for extra work? Well, anyhow I did; prayed as fervently as some people -do at certain crises for forgiveness of sin. You all know that I was -what is called very religious, that is to say, I lived an exceedingly -narrow life, looking upon all amusements as snares of the devil, and -consoled myself continually, for the loss of all that my fellows seemed -to prize in this world, by the thought of the glories of immortality. -Happily, I did not condemn all who differed from me in my theological -concepts to an eternity of unmentionable agony, because although this -was insisted upon as a cardinal item in their belief by the people -with whom I associated, my heart or brain or feelings--or my thinking -gear--simply would not let me do so. In fact, I felt that such an -idea of the God I believed in was blasphemy. And my freely expressed -opinions led to my being excommunicated in due form from several -bodies of Christians with whom I worked. - -Yes, I did pray for some means of earning a little extra money, but -at the same time I was acutely conscious of my lack of ability to do -anything that employers of overtime men had any use for. Anything in -the way of manual labour was of course out of the question, while as -to canvassing! With shame I confess that I did try one or two of the -specious advertisements in the daily papers, which promise so much -and perform so little. But I speedily found that at soliciting custom -from door to door I should starve. I was too sensitive. So far from -realising the ideal of never taking no for an answer, which was always -held up to me, a glum look, or a door slammed in my face, was enough to -put me off my business for a whole evening. I realised then, as I had -never done before, the terrible truth of Longfellow's lines, long as -they had been graven in my heart-- - - - "Who amid their wants and woes, - Hear the sound of doors that close, - And of feet that pass them by. - Grown familiar with disfavour, - Grown familiar with the savour - Of the bread by which men die!" - "The Legend Beautiful." - - -But I realised also that whatever my sentimental feelings on the matter -might be, the need of earning something extra grew not merely none the -less, but ever more pressing. Yet nothing seemed to present itself, -nor were there any of my acquaintances able to throw anything at all -in my way. At last a small chance came, a curious little eddy in one -of the backwaters of life, and I, ready for anything that I could do, -seized it. A friend of mine used to add to his income by selling to -his fellow-clerks such small articles of jewellery or fancy goods as -he could obtain at wholesale price, taking payment for them weekly -or monthly as the case might be. He was also Agent for several other -concerns such as Insurance Companies, photographers, etc., and finally -finding that he had more on his hands than he was able to do, and -attend to his clerical work as well, he decided to give up that part -of his outside work that was least profitable and imposed the greatest -amount of extra work upon him. This was the fancy goods business. - -This he offered to me with his connection both for buying and selling, -and full explanation as to profits, etc. He did not certainly go so -far as to supply the capital, but he did everything else that he could -in order that I might start fair. Given a small amount of capital, the -business was simple enough. Having once obtained the entrée to certain -large wholesale firms in Houndsditch and its neighbourhood, anything -comprised within the enormous range of articles known as "fancy" could -be purchased for cash at wholesale prices, even in one twelfth of a -dozen, or "one only" as the trade term goes. And often an article from -a "clearing line," or goods which have been in stock longer than -they ought to have been, and were clamouring to be dispersed, could -be purchased for a sum which certainly did not represent the cost of -the raw material of the manufacture, to say nothing of the skilled -workmanship lavished upon it. - -Goods were never bought on speculation, my capital would not admit of -that; indeed I often borrowed a few shillings for the purpose of buying -an ordered article, so that I was almost completely debarred from -taking advantage of these "clearing line" opportunities. No, I bought -when I had an order say for £1. I delivered the article and accepted -three sums of ten shillings each on successive monthly pay days. Now, -at first blush and remembering that I took no risk, this may seem an -exorbitant profit, but I found in practice that it was not so, and that -many retail establishments where goods are sold for cash charge quite -as much for similar goods as I did. Still, I am not apologising, I am -merely stating facts. - -I did a strictly limited and non-expanding business for many reasons, -but principally because although I developed a fine business aptitude -as far as the mere buying and selling went, I had no notion of -accumulating a little capital--there were so many crying needs to be -supplied at home that I could not turn a deaf ear to them when I had -a little money made out of office hours like this, and assume that I -had not got it at all. Also, because I dared not incur any risks, my -customers had to be confined to those of my acquaintances whose affairs -were almost as well known to me as my own. - -But timid and tentative as these little excursions of mine into -trade were, they were laden with instruction and interest; yes, -and occasionally a fair amount of amusement was obtained also. For -instance, most of the wholesale dealers whom I patronised were Hebrews, -and I, having like all sailors associated Jews generally with the -distinctively evil types of the ancient race who flourish in sailor -towns as tailors and boarding masters, was at first inclined to be very -shy and cautious in my dealings with them. Before long, however, I -made two curious discoveries. One was that the Jews whom I now met in -business were kindly, straightforward, honest, and hospitable, in fact -quite unlike my preconceived notions of Jews. The other was perhaps a -partial explanation of the former--wherever I went among them I was -taken for a Jew myself! At first my silly prejudices led me rather to -resent this; but I have always felt proud of an open mind, and after -considering the matter carefully, I came to the conclusion that the -mistake was rather a compliment than otherwise. - -Now, as far as I know or can ascertain, the records of the old Dorset -family from which I am descended contain no reference to any admixture -of Jewish blood, and so although I am a firm believer in transmitted -physical and mental characteristics, I am compelled to believe that -this Hebraic cast of features is either accidental or is a throw back -to some remote ancestor. Be that as it may, I reaped a very definite -benefit from my Jewish physiognomy, in that I had never any difficulty -in getting my tiny orders filled at any Jewish wholesale house, and if -one firm could not supply me I was at once passed on to another who -could. Here also I may pause for a moment to point out, that during -my recent visit to Australia and New Zealand, I was always sought -after and made much of by the Jewish community, which is very highly -respected and powerful in those distant colonies. And when I laughingly -used to disclaim any tribal connection they invariably assured me that -it really did not matter, because even if I was a true Goy or Gentile, -I had so many traits in common with the best of Israel that I might -well be accepted as one of the Sephardim. - -Well, this digression is merely to show how, in those feeble attempts -at trade, I was curiously helped and interested in this strange by-way. -But undoubtedly had I been a true son of Israel I should have become -a successful merchant, for I had every encouragement to launch out -except capital--and I now think that even that essential might have -been forthcoming had I chosen to seek it. I did not, but contented -myself with endeavouring to fill such small orders for bags, workboxes, -christening sets, clocks, cheap watches and chains, etc., as came -my way, gaining in the process a great amount of insight into the -workings of business of a certain kind. - -One curious discovery I made which was of great service to me on -several occasions. (I hope the term "great" will be understood as -relative to my small affairs, in which shillings loomed as important -as hundreds of pounds to some people, and where a penny tram or bus -ride often meant a considerable shortage in a meal.) Of course I was -not very long ashore before I became familiar with the working of -the poor man's bank, the much abused pawnbroker. Many a time in dire -distress through sickness or some other sudden strain I have blessed -the means whereby a temporary loan could be effected without straining -the resources of a friend, or risking a rebuff from some one I thought -friendly. It is commonly supposed among people comfortably off that -only drunkards and shiftless people support pawnbrokers. Ah, well, a -great many other suppositions of a similar kind are made by those who -do not know, but I can assure them that were it not for the pawnbroker -pauperism would be much greater than it is. - -I go farther and declare that it preserves the borrower's self-respect, -in that he need not cringe to those who may be temporarily better off -than he is, as long as he has any portable property that a pawnbroker -will look at, while the possession of such articles proves that he has -had foresight and been thrifty when it was possible for him to be so. -Better means might doubtless be devised for the assistance of the -temporarily embarrassed worker without robbing him of his self-respect, -but until they are, it is cruel as well as foolish to slander the -pawnbroker. - -And now for the curious discovery. On one occasion I had purchased -a watch and chain for a customer, and had borrowed some money to -make up what I lacked of the price of the articles. My customer had -a misfortune which prevented him from keeping his bargain, and in -consequence I was left with the goods on my hands, and no means of -repaying the loan. In my extremity I turned to a pawnbroker of my -acquaintance and asked him to lend me as much as he could upon the -watch and chain. He asked me if I was likely to redeem them, and I -frankly answered no. Thereupon he lent me within a couple of shillings -of the price I had paid for them, and as I soon afterwards sold the -ticket for five shillings, I made a small profit on the transaction. - -But this side line I could not feel was legitimate trade, and so, -although I was several times driven to avail myself of this knowledge -to meet a sudden emergency, I never attempted to use it except when -compelled. Another thing, I was never tempted, as I have known traders -to be, to pawn goods which, being unpaid for, were really not my own. -This was because I had no credit from anyone except from the landlord -and the Furnishing Company, and I found that burden heavy enough in -all conscience. But I have known a woman working for a wholesale mantle -house, and employing a dozen other women, to make up goods and pawn -them to pay her workers, take a portion of the order in and get more -material out, and so on in a vicious circle, with what wear and tear -of mental and moral fibre no one could possibly guess. No wonder the -lunacy rate rises. - -And yet when you come to think of it, there is only a quantitative, not -a qualitative difference between that poor hunger-bitten woman making -ulsters at sixpence each, and some of our motor-driving fur-coated -manipulators of stocks and shares who pawn one lot of somebody else's -shares to buy a lot for a third party, and pledge the latest purchase -to redeem or contango or bedevil something else. Yes, there is one -great difference, the stock-dealer neither goes hungry nor cold, nor -runs much risk of "doing time," because he happens to be caught with -ten shillings short at delivery time. - - - - -CHAPTER VI - -DEVELOPMENTS - - -The appetite grows by what it feeds upon, says the proverb, and this is -indubitably true of extra work. No matter what the auxiliary business -may be, or how sorely it may press upon the over-burdened body and -mind, it gradually becomes a necessity, reckoned upon as an essential -part of the income, and impossible to be done without. That such work -is an evil of the first magnitude cannot be gainsaid by any thinking -man. Unless of course it be, as sometimes happens, in the nature of a -recreation, but even then what home life can the man have who is absent -at work from breakfast time until nearly midnight? And what justice can -he do his legitimate employer, who after all has the best right to his -chief energies. - -It may be said that if men were only paid a sufficient wage for the -work they do during the day they would not seek evening employment, -but such a statement would be very difficult to prove, since what is -sufficient for one is not for another. And some men have a mania for -work, begrudge themselves necessary sleep and food time, not because -they _need_ the money, but because they _want_ it. The best that -can be said for the practice is that it is far better than spending -every evening in the vicious atmosphere of a saloon bar or public -billiard-room, as so many workers do under the plea of recreation. But -both are bad for the man practising them, making him prematurely old, -and robbing him of all real enjoyment of life. - -And yet how great is the excuse for the poorly paid clerk, who, having -married and seeing his children coming all too quickly, is at his wit's -end to know how to meet his ever growing expenses upon a non-expanding -salary. I know for a fact that an enormous majority of the married -clerks and salesmen of London live the life of slaves to those -whom they love, toiling ever with one end in view, the comfortable -maintenance of their dear ones. In literature, save the mark, they are -held up to scorn and ridicule, the clerk and the "counter jumper" being -taken as fair game for every smart pen, and even giants of the quill -like Mr H. G. Wells do not scruple to draw such a hideous caricature of -a splendid solid class as Kipps. A monstrous exception if ever there -was one to the great rule that these hardly entreated workers are fit -to hold their own in any society, and as far as their work is concerned -need not fear comparison with any. - -To resume, as far as I am personally concerned, I found that even the -trifling amount that I was able to add to my income by my infrequent -sales of fancy goods for monthly payments, became absolutely necessary -to me, and I craved too for some means of adding thereunto. I answered -many advertisements, but they were all of the canvassing or touting -order, and I felt that I could much easier starve than do that. Why, I -always found it a dreadful task to go on board a ship, and ask if they -wanted any hands, to offer myself for hire! and that compared to the -door to door canvassing is ridiculously easy. However, I was fortunate -enough to get a job now and then to write up some firm's advertisement -books, and so utilise the holidays I was allowed, but could not enjoy. -This, and addressing envelopes at 3s. 6d. per thousand (I believe it -is now done for 1s. 6d.), brought in a little valuable money, and -improved my handwriting too. And still I craved for more. For one -thing my seafaring habit of early rising clung to me so, that I simply -could not remain in bed even on the dark mornings of winter after six -o'clock, while in summer I was often out and about at three, enjoying -the freshness of the young day, but lamenting that I could not put this -leisure time to some presently profitable use. It was the same in the -evening. Beyond the open-air meetings on Sunday and Thursday, I had no -recreations, no places of amusement. I could not read _all_ the time, -and although I walked fully ten miles a day to and from my work I had -abundant energy still available. - -Now among my many deficiencies I was always painfully conscious of a -lack of mechanical genius, or even aptitude. As before noted, I could -not drive a nail without bending it, or turn a screw without burring -the head. Yet one day it chanced that I stood in the shop of an -acquaintance of mine watching him make picture-frames, and the thought -occurred to me that I could learn to do likewise, and thus perhaps -utilise my spare time, and earn a little money into the bargain. -Thenceforward I was a frequent visitor to him, and my questions were -many, but, such was my shyness that I never asked for a practical -lesson. - -While in this absorbent frame of mind a canvasser called at our office -with some rather good steel engravings for sale. They were in monthly -parts of three in paper portfolios with descriptive letterpress, -and were entitled the "Imperial Gallery of British Art." Price five -shillings per part, the series to be completed in sixteen parts. As -I looked at the beautiful pictures, for, in spite of worn plates and -retouching, many of them _were_ beautiful, a scheme sprang to being in -my brain. Why should I not subscribe for two sets of engravings, frame -them myself, and sell them on my monthly payment system? In about five -minutes I had decided that I would venture, and had signed a document -burdening me with the payment of ten shillings monthly for sixteen -months. - -After this, I suppose it is useless for me to say that I have or had -no speculative instinct, since I thus determined upon so slight a -prospect to mortgage such a considerable sum out of my income. But I -think it must have been some long dormant _flair_ for business which -thus suddenly materialised. However that may be, I was for the time -being possessed by my scheme, and frequented the shop where my friend -was always making frames more assiduously than ever. I plied him with -questions innumerable, all of which he answered very readily, seeing in -me a good prospective customer for material in order to carry out my -hobby, as he supposed it to be, and never even dreaming that I might be -a possible business competitor. - -I afterwards found that amateur picture frame-makers when properly -encouraged make exceedingly good clients to the professional, whose -aim it should be to encourage them by all the means in his power to -make their own frames. Because it is almost certain that the amateur -will spoil far more material than he uses, and that his friends to -whom he shows his work with pride will make mental notes of his great -inferiority to the work of the professional, and determine never to -have any home-made frames themselves. This attitude of the professional -towards the amateur is an exceedingly profitable one, and pervades a -great many trades, where it is recognised that the man with a hobby -is a sort of bubbling well from whence the judicious fosterer of his -client's most amiable weakness may draw an ever-increasing profit. - -Of course I made mistakes at starting, which cost me far more than I -could afford, mistakes which I should not have made had I possessed any -mechanical genius whatever. But I had what was better, an imperative -necessity to succeed. You remember the story of the cow climbing the -tree? It was exactly my case. There was no question of my learning to -frame pictures, I had to. But for that I know should have flung down my -tools and upset my glue-pot early in the game, vowing solemnly that to -learn such a business was impossible at my time of life and as a side -issue. But I did not, because I dared not, and after spending about six -times their value in moulding, and forty times as much in hard, almost -despairing work, I at last emerged from the struggle with two framed -pictures. - -Looking back now I am amazed at even that moderate measure of success. -For we only had three rooms, and I had two children. Consequently -my only workshop was the apartment which served us as kitchen, -dining-room, and living room. The Pembroke table, all rickety as those -abominations always are, was my bench, and not infrequently capsized -with all my litter of work upon it. Of the usual appliances for the -work I had scarcely any. For instance I have often, to their great -delight, used my two children for a press--that is to sit on the board -in order to keep newly pasted down engravings or photographs from -cockling up. And if when putting the back into a frame I accidentally -touched the glass with the point of a brad, hearing at once the ominous -click which told me I had lost sixpence, the price of the square of -cheap glass, my children's hilarity was hushed in a moment as they saw -the almost despairing look in my eyes, and the haggard expression on my -face. - -But I am getting on too fast. So much depends upon the point of view, -so relative are our joys or sorrows to our circumstances that I doubt -whether Columbus upon first beholding that will-o'-the-wisp-like light -upon San Salvador was more elate than I when I first beheld the two -finished frames which were the work of mine own hands. True I had -bought the moulding, and the gold or gilt slip. True I had bought the -ready cut mount from another tradesman, and the squares of glass had -been cut to my measurements by another, but mine was the hand that -had, after much bungling and patching and besmearing of thick glue, -achieved those frames. I felt that I could not weary of looking at -them. Mine was the joy of creation, however lawlessly assumed. Upon -rising at five the next morning, before dressing I paid a visit to them -for another admiring survey, and a wondering retrospect as to whether -it was really I who had succeeded in producing two such works of art. -Of course I had nothing to compare them with, but that was the merest -detail, it troubled me not at all. - -I was all impatience to get to the office with them, nor, although I -am the least optimistic person alive, could I feel any great amount of -trepidation as to whether they would be favourably received or not. It -was a long and weary walk across the park from Kilburn to Westminster, -and my hands were blue with the cramping cold through carrying my -precious pictures, but I cared nothing for that. I was for the time -being satisfied with myself. And yet as I drew near the office where -my amateur work would be submitted to the shrewd if not unkindly -judgment of my fellows, and I should learn once for all whether in the -city man's phrase there "was money in it," I had hard work to keep my -spirits up. Fortunately I did not know what the odds were against me, -a blissful ignorance which has saved many a struggler from collapse of -dread before the fight has begun. - -It is just possible that my work of totalling and meaning massive -columns of figures, mechanical and monotonous as it had become, -suffered that morning from utter lack of any ability on my part to -think of what I was doing. But at last the luncheon interval of three -quarters of an hour came, and having bolted my usual dinner of bread -and cheese, I began my tour of the various rooms with my work. I sold -my pictures to the first man I showed them to at a good profit on the -usual terms of five shillings a month, but he very kindly allowed me -to tote them all round the office, by which means I secured orders -for six more. Better than that I heard words of praise to which I -had almost always been a stranger, praise of my work, at which I -was far too gratified to inquire whether those who uttered it were -competent critics, or were trying to get my wares a little cheaper, -or on a little easier terms. It was a day to be marked with a white -stone, and I find it impossible now to recall any definite idea of the -multitudinous schemes of infinite pettiness which that day's success -hatched in my brain. I can only say that in their prospective wealth -of a few shillings extra a week, they were just as important, I was -just as earnest in considering them, as any millionaire manipulator of -stocks and shares, even though he looks for more tens of thousands from -other people's labour than I looked for units from my own. - -Behold me then launched as a (vide my cards printed soon after) -"Carver, gilder, and picture-frame maker. Clients visited at their -own residences. Advice upon all art subjects gratis; estimates free!" -Nevertheless I found it anything but plain sailing. At almost every -turn I came up against some problem that would have given me no trouble -had I served a year in a bona fide frame-maker's shop. Mostly I got -over or round the difficulty somehow by myself, for I grew more and -more diffident of asking for instruction at the shop where I bought -my moulding and et ceteras. But I was steadily improving in my work, -steadily learning more and more of the details of the business, and -gradually acquiring more tools suitable for the work. It is often -scornfully said to the amateur, who is lamenting his inability to do -better because of the want of proper tools, that a "bad workman always -blames his tools." That may be true, but it is certainly not truer -than that no regular workman would attempt to commence a job with the -tools that the average amateur possesses. Bad or good as the result -may be, that there is any result at all from amateur work proves the -possession of what all are agreed that the workman is always the better -for, a love of the work for its own sake, and not at all from any hope -of reward for his achievement outside of the satisfaction of his own -innate desire for perfection. - -I was now much happier. I cannot conscientiously say that I loved the -new work for its own sake, but I had never enjoyed the possession of a -hobby except reading and open-air preaching, and I was as I have said -far too poor to indulge my tastes even in these pursuits to the full. -But I was certainly interested in pictures and their frames. I was both -surprised and delighted to find that I actually had some mechanical -skill after all, and I never felt quite satisfied that my work was as -well done as possible. By which of course I mean that I was always -striving to do it better; not only, I can safely declare, because of -pleasing a customer, but for the great delight of admiring the work of -my own hands before I delivered it over to its owner. - -Moreover, I found to my deep gratification, that my circle of -acquaintances or I may say even, friends, which had been exceedingly -small, was now being constantly enlarged. Nearly every new customer -I obtained became interested in the man beyond his work, and this -intercourse though it undoubtedly took up a great deal of time was very -pleasant. Before long I was adding a few shillings regularly every -week to my income, every one of which represented a great deal of work -and scheming and persuasion; shillings that were well and faithfully -earned, if ever shillings were. I did most of my work in the morning -before going to the office, for after office hours I was handicapped by -the fact that I had to go to the city to buy my mouldings and mounts, -or to make long journeys with the finished product. - -This gathering together of the material that I used was one of the -chief drawbacks to my progress. I could not of course lay in a stock; -first, because I had no capital; secondly, because I had no room to -store it; and thirdly, because, owing to the enormous variety of -patterns, I could never tell what I should want a stock of. Of course -I early learned to guide my client's taste in the direction of the -easily obtainable (and profitable to me) patterns for obvious reasons, -but if a customer had seen a certain pattern and required it, I never -tried to persuade him out of it, but did my very best to satisfy him. -Here I found another enormous difficulty. I did not know what to -charge! There was no one of whom I dared ask the question, for it will -be quite easily understood that in all trades there must be intense -jealousy and dislike of an outsider coming in by a side entrance and -cutting into the business. I got some help from the price-lists of the -great stores, finding that I could make a very respectable profit, as I -considered it, by charging about twenty-five per cent. less than they -did. But that only helped me a little way, because I was continually -confronted by the cheap frames made by the gross and sold by the -drapers and fancy goods people at a few pence and some farthings each, -less in fact than I could buy the materials for in the making of one -frame. - -So I groped blindly along, sometimes making a fair profit on my labour, -sometimes after two or three days' hard work emerging with about what I -started with because of unforeseen difficulties. I may have undersold -the legitimate operators in the same line, but if so it was entirely -due to ignorance on my part--I would never willingly spoil any man's -market, unless of course as in some monopolies prices needed reduction -in the interests of truth and honesty. - -The writing of the last three words of the preceding sentence -has suddenly brought before me the necessity of a word or two of -explanation. I have not the slightest intention in these chapters to be -dictative. Still less do I wish to write a clumsy tract. And yet I find -upon looking back upon the last few pages that I am in great danger of -being accused of a smug and disgustingly hypocritical trumpeting forth -of my virtues. From such a peril I desire to guard myself if possible. -And I feel that I can only do so by stating definitely that although of -course I claimed to be a Christian man, my actions with regard to my -work did not seem to me to spring from any desire to follow a certain -code of moral laws, but to do to others as I wished they would do to -me. At my proper work at the office I know I was often indolent and -careless, and pre-occupied with my own affairs when I ought to have -given my best abilities to the duties for which I was paid, the reason -(not the excuse) being, that I never could take the slightest interest -in it. But in my private business outside the office I did always try -to give the best possible value for the money I received, and I had an -absolute horror of overcharging anybody. - -Moreover, on certain occasions when I had to pay others to do what I -could not do myself, and based my proposal for payment on the profit -I expected to make, I have several times, on finding that my profits -were larger than I had expected, voluntarily increased the payment -to my helper. Not, I affirm, because of any deep-seated desire to be -just as well as kind, but, because it was the easiest way to quiet -some inner impulse driving me in the direction of justice. This is -not a matter of virtue, it is a matter of temperament. There is to me -something diabolical, infernal, in the idea of "doing" anybody, of -getting the better of them in a business deal, of binding men down to -serve you for a pittance upon which they can hardly live, and making -yourself a fortune by their labour. And I believe that a faithful -servant who puts love for you as the employer into his or her work is -valuable beyond all payment, but that fact should never hinder the -recipient of such service from paying as liberally as he can, not -caring a hang for the laws of political economy. - -Dear me, how far this kind of thing does lead one to be sure. But I -have the most vivid recollection of those reflections in that strenuous -time, and they gave point and edge to my remarks made on Sunday morning -at Kensal Green Cemetery Gates, to the immense audiences of men -waiting there for William the Fourth to open. I preached the doctrine -of Christian Socialism as I saw it, as different from the naked and -unabashed Socialism of the Keir Hardie type, as light is from darkness, -a social law of love and duty towards my neighbour, whether he be rich -or poor. And this was a great and splendid compensation, even when as -often happened, I, having laid out my last few shillings on Friday for -materials wherewith to make frames in the hope of getting paid for them -on Saturday, found that I was left with only a few pence to procure -that sacrament of the Londoner, the Sunday's dinner. - -However hard those times now seem to look back upon, I can very -plainly see how much of pleasure and good training there was in them, -compensations of which I then thought little. But I cannot help seeing -also how helpful a few business-like habits would have been. I cannot -say that I had a rooted objection to keeping accounts, I only know -that I never did keep them except in my head. And consequently I grew -to trust my memory for everything, which in business, however small, -is I now know fatal. Yet I know, too, that had I been managing anybody -else's business, I should have been a scrupulous book-keeper. Blamable -in the last degree this constitutional aversion of mine from putting -down what I had spent and how much I had earned from that spending. -Also, for another confession, though I was in theory anything but an -optimist, in practice I acted optimism. I never could feel sure of my -monthly government pay, until I had actually cashed the cheque, yet -in the face of demands which it seemed miraculous that I should ever -be able to satisfy I was cheery, even confident, that, as Dickens so -scornfully puts it, "things would come round." - -Now I must close this chapter, already overlong, but before I do so I -must just say that at this time I drank nothing but water or tea, did -not smoke, never paid a penny for recreation, and wore my clothes till -I dared wear them no longer. And yet I was, with a steady salary of £2. -2s. a week, abjectly poor! - - - - -CHAPTER VII - -I TAKE A SHOP - - -Last chapter closed with a bitter confession of incompetence on my part -that I would not make if I could help it, but alas it is too true. -Account for it I cannot, except by saying that I began by getting into -debt, as I have before said, and never afterwards until the end of -that régime came was I able to emerge from the condition of poverty I -have attempted to describe, not though my struggles were incessant and -certainly severe. It tinged my whole life and robbed me of my rightful -proportion of joy, this want of ability to manage my own affairs upon a -very small and strictly stationary income. If this condition of things -may be taken for granted, whether with blame or pity, it will simplify -matters a good deal and save me humiliating allusions to it every now -and then. - -So time fled along in rapid fashion, for now I never had a moment to -spare. And still further to curtail the time at my disposal, I, finding -the burden of the rent in the west of London too grievous to be borne, -to say nothing of the cruel anxiety of letting lodgings unfurnished, -decided to migrate to the far east of London, between Upton Park and -East Ham. There I had heard that a neat five-roomed house with a long -garden could be hired for seven and six a week inclusive of all rates -and taxes. (I believe the same house would fetch nearly if not quite -double now.) That was a rental I felt able to pay, and even if the -great distance from my employment did mean extra expense, it was well -worth a struggle to have a home to ourselves freed from the incubi of -lodgers or sub landlord. - -So with great hopes of making the last move for a long time, I -commenced the big business. It must be confessed that the auspices -were not very bright, my wife being too ill to stand upon her feet, my -eldest child a toddler of five, and my next one quite a baby. But in -those days such details hardly fretted me, I was so used to them. And -consequently it was with a stout heart that, having succeeded in hiring -a big van and horse and man, at one and sixpence an hour, I commenced -the long day's labour at seven in the morning. I carried my wife and -little ones into a good Samaritan next door, who looked after them, -while my helper and I dismantled the home and carefully stowed it in -the van. For once I had found a man who was willing to work as hard as -I could, and who did not seize every opportunity to suggest rest and -refreshment. So we got on very well indeed. - -By nine o'clock all was ready, my wife was comfortably secured upon a -sofa lashed to the tailboard of the van, the baby was accommodated -with an impromptu cot on the keyboard of the piano, and the -five-year-old also had a place for her little chair. So we started off -for our new home facing the twelve miles between us and that distant -suburb without misgivings, though it was certainly anything but a -picnic for the horse. I do not recall how many times we halted, only I -know that but few of them involved the spending of money, that being as -usual a very limited quantity with me. But at five o'clock the weary -trudge was over, and with fresh energy we tackled the task of getting -the chattels indoors. With such good will did we both work that by six -all was over, and the hard-working carman, apparently satisfied with -my moderate tip of a shilling, and sixteen and six for the hire of the -vehicle, departed and left me to the tackling of my biggest task of the -day. - -I felt as if I would much rather lie down and rest, but it is -astonishing what you can do when you must, and finding fresh energy -somewhere I soon had the helpless wife and children fairly comfortable, -with a bit of fire in a bedroom. While thus engaged I was drawn to the -window by a tremendous crash of thunder and flash of lightning, and -there, outside one of the opposite houses, was ranged on the pavement -nearly the whole of a family's furniture exposed to the full fury of a -torrent of rain. Indeed it was pitiful, and my discontent at the heavy -task before me was changed into great gratitude when I realised what I -had escaped from by only a few minutes. - -I went back to my work with a good heart, and before midnight, when -dead beat, I crawled into bed and fell at once into a sleep so sound -that even the heavenly artillery failed to disturb me, I had reduced -my new abode to something like order. I was up again at 5.30, having -ever been able, no matter how weary, to rise at any time necessary, -and after another hour's work at straightening things out, sallied -forth to find someone who would come and help my helpless ones during -my absence. This I fortunately succeeded in doing in time, and at 7.30 -I was on my way to the office looking forward to a good rest for my -muscles all day, even if my brain would certainly be superlatively -active. - -Now I am quite well aware that in chronicling the above I am laying -myself open to the charge of being jejune, trivial, etc., and I know -too, that to many men of my own class such details as I have given -above will be so familiar that they will wonder why ever I should have -written about them. But somehow I have felt that, as in the subjects -of my other books, a little plain and simple truth amidst the flood of -invention by writers who have merely looked on, might not be out of -place, might indeed be of use. For I hold that it is impossible, even -for those who are most interested but do not live the life, however -keen they may be, to portray faithfully all the day and night doings -of the people they write about. They may and do try hard and honestly -to fulfil their self-imposed task, but as long as they can retire to -their comfortably furnished homes and nicely served meals whenever they -like, they will never be able to describe truly, however much they wish -to do so. - -For a little while the novelty of setting my house in order and the -delight of having a garden for the first time in my life prevented me -from dwelling upon the obvious disadvantages of the change of abode -I had made. But when I came to realise that in order to live at a -low rent and have a little house to myself I had to put in nearly -four hours a day travelling, I began to wonder whether I had not been -foolish after all. This was long before the days of the extension of -the District Railway to East Ham, and I could only keep my travelling -expenses within possible limits by taking a workman's ticket, not -available after 7 A.M., to Fenchurch Street, and walking thence to -Victoria. This long journey, during which I was perforce idle, played -havoc with my business of picture-framing, yet still I managed to keep -my hand in, and indeed improved a little in that I had a small workshop -to myself now, and no longer made frames on the kitchen table. - -And I should be ungrateful indeed if I did not remember most -affectionately the delights of Wanstead Park and Epping Forest. Many -and many a pilgrimage I made in the summer with the children packed in -a big perambulator and a bag containing all the materials for a homely -picnic slung on the handles to those sylvan glades, and here, at no -other expense save the muscular effort, enjoyed a delightful holiday, -the best perhaps I have ever known, because purely unconventional and -costless. I had the satisfaction of feeling too that, in spite of the -rapidity with which streets of small houses like the one I was living -in were springing up all around me, the grand forest would never be -built on any more, would always be available for such poor workers as -myself. - -Nevertheless I confess I did mightily begrudge the great waste of time -involved in my much travelling. In the summer it was not so bad, but -in winter I and many more in like case, who for motives of economy got -to our respective places of employment long before we could get in, -suffered much from lack of shelter from cold and wet. Just one of the -many unconsidered evils of living in a vast and over-crowded city. -My extra work of picture framing suffered also, not merely because -customers in my new neighbourhood were exceedingly scarce, everybody -being so poor, but because of the long, long distance I had to fetch -materials, especially glass, which in the crowded trains at night was -a most ticklish and brittle load. I cannot now realise definitely the -sudden rushes I used to make through the heart of the city at the -busiest hour of the evening, my struggle with the clambering crowds -up the steep stairs in Fenchurch Street Station, and the journey -homewards in the close-packed, reeking compartment, dreading every -moment lest a lurch of the train should damage my precious burden. It -is all like some hideous nightmare, those wet and foggy nights when my -lungs seemed fit to burst with coughing, and all my senses warned me to -go slow, while my needs spurred me, and many times I had to stop and -remember how many were in far more evil case than myself, or I should -have indeed fallen by the wayside. - -Yet this life too I endured for three years, at the end of which time -I was fully convinced that living so far away from my daily work was -for me at anyrate a profound mistake. Also I had another child and was -in consequence driven harder than ever, was more desirous than ever to -have some steady auxiliary to my exiguous income, some means of getting -clear of that furniture incubus which kept my nose to the grindstone. -Besides all these things I had often in winter, despite my early -leaving home, to spend several hours on the way to the city by reasons -of floods, to which our neighbourhood then seemed particularly liable, -and had been curtly warned by the Powers above me that I would do well -to move nearer to my work if I wished to retain it. Which warnings gave -me a cold chill at the heart, for although I was in age not much past -thirty, I was already beginning to feel old from the strain of living, -and I knew how scanty were the chances of getting another such berth -as mine should I lose the one I had now got. - -But I doubt whether even these powerful incentives to a change would -have been sufficient to make me move, but for an event which changed -the whole course of my life. For one thing, where was I to go and enjoy -better conditions than those under which I now lived? Even apartments -were now not to be thought of, for I had three children, and except -in such neighbourhoods as I dared not descend to, no one would let -apartments to people with a family. This again is one of the factors -governing the lives of the workers which those comfortable souls who -wail about the declining birth-rate do not think of. God knows it is -hard enough for any poor worker in England to maintain a growing family -in decency, without being treated worse than a beggar or a criminal -in seeking to find lodgment for them which he is ready to pay for. -Thousands of men have been driven to pauperism or practical socialism -by the accursed system of oppression--no children wanted. - -So that every enquiry I made about lodgings nearer my work threw me -back to the grim fact that in some respects, I was better off now than -any change could make me. And then came the event, the impulse from -without, which drove me against my own better judgment into the thorny -and difficult ways of the small shopkeeper. My wife received a small -legacy, one that had been left contingent upon the death of a woman -who enjoyed the income of the bequest for life. She died, and the -capital was divided among a very large number of expectant folk, none -of whom received, according to their ideas, much more than a tithe of -what was really due to them. My wife's share was well under £200, but -even that was a fortune to our entirely restricted vision. Of course -the first and most important question to be decided was how to dispose -of this money to the best advantage so that we might feel the benefit -of it? But underlying this there was a feeling upon my part that as -it was not mine in any sense my wife should have the disposal of it, -so long as she did not insist upon, as I once heard a County Court -Registrar pithily remark, frittering it away upon paying my outstanding -liabilities. No, I do not exactly mean debts, but in clearing up those -burdens which demanded regular instalments of so much a month. - -I am glad to say, however, that nothing was farther from her ideas than -that, for as she put it, the furniture was all worn out long before it -was paid for, being such utter rubbish, and therefore the longer its -vendors could legitimately be kept waiting for their ill-gotten gains -the better. Alas, to be wise after the event is futile, yet I am now -sadly inclined to think that had such a proposal been made by her and -accepted by me it would have been better for all of us. At anyrate -this book would not have been written, nor, I feel certain, any other -of the small library that I have written during the last ten years. - -Her suggestion, no, it was more than that, it was a demand, was that -this money should be laid out in taking a shop. A double-fronted shop -whereof one side should be devoted to art pictorial in the shape of -its accessories, engravings, frames, artistic materials, etc., and the -other to what is rather pompously called art needlework, and fancy -goods, the latter being an enormously elastic term. - -To say that I was alarmed would be putting matters much too mildly. -I was appalled. I dreaded beyond expression increasing my already -heavy liabilities. I doubted with a scepticism of the blackest my -ability to run a shop for myself, however well I might be able to do -it for another--in fact, I saw nothing in the proposal but disaster. -But my wife, confident in her powers as a shopkeeper (having had no -experience) and fired with a laudable desire to help in the collection -of the family income, insisted, even at the length of declaring that if -I would not take a shop she would without my help. And that I saw would -be avoiding an imaginary Scylla for the terrors of a real Charybdis. So -I yielded, ungracefully, but completely, and thenceforward until the -time which shall complete this narrative never did I know a care-free -hour. - -The first thing was to find the shop, and if I were able in Mr -Pett Ridge's delightful manner to detail our experiences in those -pilgrimages I doubt not that the recital would make several readable -columns. The lies we were told would fill several volumes. The fortunes -we were sure to make were so vast that they were unspendable. Every -miserable, little, obviously hopeless shop was lauded so that I began -to fear a complete obsession, and at last I declared that I would not -take any advertised business at all, I would build up a business of our -own. Yes, I used those memorable words, and, to my shame be it said, -without even the excuse that I believed them myself. Miserable man that -I was, I felt certain that this enterprise of ours was foredoomed. I -knew, none better, that there was nothing of the Napoleon about me, -that I was far too prone to take no for an answer for anything of that -kind to be possible. - -Presently I began to feel that this quest of a shop was destined to -bring me prematurely to my grave. East, west, north, and south I -sought, and now I felt no nearer than at the outset to the object of -my search. At last I found what apparently was exactly the thing, a -double-fronted shop with a sufficient number of living rooms above, in -a business thoroughfare within easy reach of town, and at the fairly -reasonable rent of £40 a year. I knew no one who could tell me anything -about the character of the neighbourhood, so I had to form my own -conclusions as to the prospects of business there. And in any case I -was so weary of searching for the apparently unattainable that I was -willing to be deceived had anybody tried to persuade me. But that I -think was the determining factor. Nobody did try to influence me. The -man who owned the shop and carried on the business of a grocer next -door did not seem at all anxious to have me for a tenant, in fact he -was most reticent and retiring when approached, which may have been -genius on his part, although I never saw cause to suspect him of -anything of the kind. - -At anyrate I persuaded myself that I should never find any better shop -than this for my purpose and I closed the bargain by paying handsel, -and fixing the date for coming in. Then I had to turn my attention to -the fitting up of this shop, for it was absolutely bare, just three -match-boarded walls which by the way were covered with some messy -alleged varnish which never dried, and the double front as aforesaid. -I procured several price-lists from firms whose speciality was the -fitting up of shops, and after a prolonged study of them came to the -conclusion that to fit up this shop in even the most economical way, -according to their specifications, would absorb our entire capital and -necessitate our procuring stock entirely on credit. Which was absurd; -for we had no credit, at least in my innocence of business I knew of -none. Later, I learned to my sorrow that the obtaining of credit was -easy in almost an exactly inverse ratio to the difficulty of meeting -the bills when they came in. - -In this difficulty of fitting the shop, however, as in so many others -that I have encountered, I had not the privilege of retreat. I had -burned my bridges and had perforce to advance in what at first appeared -to be a hopeless task. But I am getting on too fast, for of course, -before I could begin shop-fitting it was necessary that I should -move in, this operation being in itself, with my limited resources, -a sufficiently formidable one. But here again, I met with a powerful -coadjutor in the man that used to serve us with vegetables and coals -at Upton Park, a burly costermonger who had risen to the dignity of -a little shop and a horse and van from the humble beginnings of a -hand-barrow. It was his proud boast that he would rather at any time -go hungry himself than refuse a poor customer half a hundred of coals -or a few pounds of potatoes because she had no money. He and I often -had a yarn and had become great friends, so that when I enlisted his -aid in moving the long distance from Upton Park to Lordship Lane, East -Dulwich, I felt that relief which only comes from implicit reliance -upon someone whom you feel is stronger than yourself. I know all about -self-help and have been compelled to practice it all my life, but the -joy of having a friend, how great and how pleasant it is! - -With his powerful aid the moving out was got over with comparative -ease, but even so, it was dark before we arrived at our destination, -the children being cold, tired, and hungry. And then a difficulty -occurred which almost daunted me. I had the key of the shop, but my -landlord had bolted up inside so that I could not get in. And when I -went to him he offered me my handsel money back, mumbling something -about "matters not being satisfactory." What he meant I do not even now -know but that was what he said, and there was I in the street with all -my belongings, ten miles from the home I had left at 8 A.M. and with -three small children. My friend and ally here arose to the occasion. -He literally bullied the landlord into letting us in, a thing I could -never have done, and presently I found relief from my anxiety in the -feverish activity of getting our chattels indoors. I never heard, and -so I can never tell, why my landlord desired to evade his bargain -regardless of my sufferings, nor, although I even now feel curious, -shall I ever know. - -Oh, that good fellow, how he did work as if he had just begun his day -instead of having been at it since about 4 A.M. He helped me set up -the beds, straighten up a living room, lit a fire, fetched some supper -from a local pork butcher's, and at last with an earnest enquiry as -to whether he couldn't do anything more for me, supposed he'd better -be getting towards home as he had to be up at three the next morning. -Falteringly I assured him that he had done far more than I could ever -have expected and what was I in his debt? he said brusquely, "Oh, I -ain't got no time to bother abart that nar. You get strite an' I'll pop -over an' see yer in a few dyes. Good night missus, good night guvnor," -and he was gone. It was two months before I saw him again, and then -only because I sought him out in my first leisure. And he would not -take a penny more than ten shillings. I paid him that, but I have never -discharged, because I cannot, the heavy debt of gratitude he laid upon -me, more especially for the knowledge of how good and kind one poor man -can be to another. I have had many such experiences, but each one has -been peculiarly fragrant, especially sweet in itself, a standing rebuke -to me for once holding a doctrine of the innate depravity of mankind. - -As soon as he had gone I realised that I was so tired that I could -hardly stand, and so I made haste to put things in readiness for the -morning and get to bed. But once there my life-long habit asserted -itself, and I had to find a book for a little read before sleep. And to -my great content I found Mark Twain's "Innocents at Home," and read for -perhaps the hundredth time the touching story of Scotty Briggs and the -callow minister. In it I forgot my troubles, my weariness of body and -mind and apprehensions for the future, and with a happy sigh I laid the -book down, blew out the candle, and went to sleep. Years after, dining -with Mark Twain at the Devonshire Club, I told him of the incident and -saw his deep tender eyes fill with tears. He silently put out his hand -and said "shake." Now can there be any higher reward for a writer than -this, that he has been able by his books to make his fellow-creatures -forget for a while the burden that has been crushing them, and has -lifted them into new hope and energy for the coming unknown day? I -think not. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII - -GETTING BROKEN IN - - -This, the most momentous move of my life, as I think, was made on a -Monday in the autumn of about 1890. The year doesn't matter anyhow. I -know that it was about sixteen or seventeen years ago, or when I was -thirty-three or thirty-four years of age. That Monday I had taken leave -from the Office, the day being deducted from my allowed twenty-eight -days of summer vacation, as was customary with us. By favour of the -authorities we were even allowed to take half days of leave, which -prevented us from doing what we believed our happier brethren in the -_pukka_ Civil Service could always do, ask to step out after lunch and -not come back that day. It also I suppose preserved as much of our -self-respect as was possible, for we were thus able to say that we at -anyrate did not rob our masters the public of any of our valuable time. - -This reserve of time, however, was far too valuable commercially to me -to be lightly drawn upon, and so, rising at five the next day, I did as -much as possible towards getting straight before eight, when I started -to walk to the Office, a little over four miles, but with the prospect -of a long day's rest, as far as my body was concerned, in front of -me. That week was one of the busiest in my whole life. My office work -had to suffer, doubtless, for amid the dancing columns of figures or -snaky automatic curves I could always discern the counters, shelves, -showcases, etc., of this new daemon, the shop. Moreover, I had to -interview wholesale people, dealers in art embroidery, crewels, etc., -dealers in fancy goods, dealers in mouldings, etc., and open accounts -upon the strength of that little capital, now fast dwindling away. - -My education was rapid that week. I heard hundreds of new trade terms, -of the existence of articles for sale of which I never before dreamed, -of possibilities of profit making that were dazzling, and I remembered -them all. But I kept no account of my growing liabilities, loading my -memory with everything, and whenever an uneasy feeling persisted in -making itself noticed that I was plunging far beyond my resources, I -fell back upon the consoling hope that I should soon square everything -when the shop was opened. And I had determined to open that shop on -the following Saturday. I ordered a couple of thousand hand-bills -advising the resident gentry of Slopers Island, as East Dulwich was -then sarcastically called, that F. T. Bullen proposed opening the -premises at 135 Lordship Lane, S.E., on Saturday next as a high class -Emporium for the sale of fancy goods, and all the necessaries for the -production of art needlework. - -There was also a notice to the effect that Carving, Gilding, and -Picture Frame Making, would be executed on the premises with promptness -and dispatch, Artists Materials would be kept in stock, Oil Paintings -restored, and their Frames Re-gilded, while expert opinion would be -given free to would-be Picture Buyers, Amateur Framemakers would be -supplied with materials at City Prices, and the Best Window Glass would -be cut and sold. Builders supplied at Trade Prices. I need hardly say -that I had advice in drawing up this precious circular or I should -never have dared aspire to such sublime heights of mendacity--even -now--though it is not easy--I blush to think on what a slender -possibility of performance I based all those grandiloquent promises. - -After all they did little harm. For I hired boys to distribute my -bills in the best districts, paying them liberally upon their solemn -promises to knock at each door, where there was no letter box, so as -to make sure of my bills entering the houses. Next morning walking -over Denmark Hill--it had rained somewhat heavily during the night--I -saw my bills almost carpeting the sidewalk and roadway, and after my -first bitterness of soul at the sad waste had passed off, I accepted -the situation as a judgment on me from above for my shameless -exaggerations. I never consoled myself by thinking of the specious and -spacious lies of the Company promoter, the sufferers from which all -contributed to his wealth, out of which he often gave liberally to -religious institutions and felt a perfect glow of satisfaction thereat. -But for all my experience I was both ignorant and simple, which may -serve as a reason for my penitence, but no excuse. - -The opening day arrived--I had been up nearly all the previous night -putting the finishing touches to the appearance of the shop and the -arrangement of the stock, and flattered myself that it looked pretty -well. My wife, who had an innate genius for art needlework, was in -charge of that department, and we had arranged that in the event of -orders for picture framing coming in with an overwhelming rush, she was -to promise, in case the customers would not accept her assurance that I -would do the work as cheaply as possible from the patterns they might -select, that I would wait upon them at their residences later on. - -So I left that morning for the Office, standing for a moment on the -opposite side of the Lane, to gaze with pardonable pride upon the -bright shop with its blue and gold Fascia of - - - "ART NEEDLEWORK BULLEN AND PICTURE FRAMING." - - -It _did_ look pretty, and although anything but an optimist I confess I -did hope that its attractions would be irresistible to the passers-by; -he or she, especially she, would feel compelled to come in and buy -something. Of course, being an eminently genteel concern I could not -have, in the usual suburban fashion, a band of music performing in -the first floor front with the windows open, nor two or three raucous -voiced men exchanging witticisms with the passers-by upon their -stupidity in missing an opportunity like this of parting with their -brass with a thousand to one chance of getting the best value for it in -the 'ole world, and if I could have there was no money to pay for it. -But I confess that as I stood and looked at the pretty little show, I -had a vision of past experiences in raging seas among savage men amid -primitive conditions where life depended upon muscle and sinew and -grit, and I felt indeed as if I had sold my birthright for a mess of -pottage, or rather the promise of it, since it certainly was not yet -delivered. - -It was my long Saturday at the Office--for in these days we only had -alternate Saturday afternoons off--and how I got through it I do not -know. I expect I sorely vexed those above me by the frequency of my -errors. But I pictured my wife with the shop full of eager buyers -utterly unable to cope with the rush of trade. I built castle after -castle in Spain, I was retiring from the office to take charge of an -ever increasing business demanding all my energies, and building up a -competency for my old age. - -At last five o'clock came and I hurried homewards full of conflicting -emotions. But never in my deepest pessimism had I allowed myself to -contemplate the reality as it confronted me upon arrival at the shop. -At that time on Saturday afternoon there was not a single person -in front of the shop, nor when I entered was there anyone inside! -I passed through into the parlour and enquired in a subdued manner -what the day's fortune had been. I learned at once that not a single -person had entered the premises that day with the idea of buying -anything. There had been several beggars and people asking for change -(they could hardly have come to a more hopeless place on such a quest -since our total stock of currency was less than five shillings) but -customers--none. - -I was staggered, for I was unprepared. Nevertheless I put as good a -face upon it as I could and solaced myself with some tea. But it was -rather a mournful meal for the thought would continually obtrude itself -"if this is the beginning what will the end be like"? However, there -was still plenty to do in the "getting straight" process, and being -busy at that I had no time to brood over this inexplicable repugnance -of the public to patronise me. Not that it was a busy thoroughfare--far -from it. Lower down some trade was being done, but up where I was it -looked like a new neighbourhood, I could not realise that it was a -London suburb with a great population. I did not then know that for -some mysterious reason Lordship Lane, except in one very small section -of it, had always been shunned by shoppers, who went much farther -afield to do their purchasing, down to Rye Lane, Peckham, or even as -far as Brixton. - -So that sad day closed with never a potential buyer, and that delicate -perishable stock staring at me like the fruit of a crime, while the gas -from the six burners flared away as if rejoicing in the expense it was -causing me. So at eleven o'clock, I closed the emporium, and basket in -hand sallied forth to buy our frugal Sunday's dinner, thinking somewhat -bitterly that people must have food and clothing, but art needlework -and picture frames, being unnecessary luxuries, they had evidently -decided to do without. - -I went to bed that night with a heavy heart, because now the fact that -I was in debt without hope of repayment stared me in the face, nagged -at me, would not let me shut it out, and for once my hitherto unfailing -solace, reading, was of no avail. At last I summoned up my mental -resources, and determined that since I had done all I could, it was -worse than useless to worry about the unfortunate result. Doubtless I -had done wrong, but with the most innocent and praiseworthy intentions, -and so I would sleep--and I did. - -The next day, Sunday, was a gloomy one for me, for I knew no one in the -vicinity, and missed sorely my usual happy association with some body -of open-air preachers, and I felt almost outcast from human sympathy, -which, though it may be a confession of weakness, I always had a -craving for. But I got through the day somehow, my children wondering -what made their father so dull, such bad company, and was heartily glad -when bedtime came, and I could again seek the beautiful solace of sleep. - -When I awoke again on Monday morning at five o'clock, and commenced -to busy myself about the house, it was with a feeling that was new -to me then, but which never left me during all the time that shop, -like some infernal incubus, clung to my neck. It was a sense of utter -hopelessness of ever doing any good in this business, coupled with the -absolute necessity of going on with it. I know I may be thought a poor -minded craven for being daunted in this wise thus early, but I must -plead that I had a prophetic instinct, besides my tangible experience, -and the grim fact of all these bills presently falling due. But I can -honestly say that this sense of hopelessness did not, as far as I am -aware, ever prevent me from doing my best and working my hardest to -make the best of what I felt to be a very bad job. - -When I got to the office I realised that the shop must be dismissed -from my mind altogether while at my desk if I was to retain my post. -For I could take no half measures; I must either not think about it at -all or think of nothing else. So I took hold of myself resolutely, and -fixed my mind on my work, compelling an interest in it that I had never -been able to feel before. And it did me good in two ways. It relieved -me of the hateful round of useless thought about the shop, and it -salved my conscience, which was worrying me very much about the way in -which I was certainly neglecting my most important duties. But I found -it pretty hard to answer the inquiries of one or two friends to whom I -had confided my plans for going into business. I had to be frank with -them as to what had happened, and also to feign a hope, which I did not -feel, that things would soon improve. - -However, taking things on the whole I felt much better in spirit when -I returned home on Monday evening. I felt, that, knowing the worst, -I could hardly help expecting a little improvement, and as to the -future--well, that was hardly my concern now. So that I was almost -cheerful when I entered the shop door, and not too much startled when -my wife rushed to meet me beaming, and crying, "I've sold something!" -I was sorely tempted to be sarcastic but forebore, and merely said -quietly, "I _am_ glad to hear that, what have you sold?" "One of those -pretty photo-frames out of my window, and here's the money," producing -a shilling, and pointing to the two frames which remained of the same -kind. Then I laughed long and loud, for the irony of the situation went -clean through me. She stared at me in bewildered fashion, saying, "What -on earth is the matter with you?" She evidently thought I was mad. - -I answered, "Nothing, _I'm_ sane enough, but seeing that our first -business transaction in the shop is to sell an article for a shilling -which cost us eighteenpence, I do not know what I might have been if -I hadn't laughed." And I have to laugh now when I think of it. That -was our first customer, and she had a bargain. Somehow I persisted -in looking at the transaction in a humorous light, and so it didn't -hurt us, and presently fate made us amends by bringing a friend in -who was to me for all those grievous four years a veritable godsend. -He was, like myself, a stranger in the neighbourhood, indeed he was a -stranger to London, having come up to take charge of a branch library. -He "happened in" as the Americans say, just to ask if I had some kind -of nails or screws or something like that, for he was an ingenious -chap, and always doing something or other to make the temporary library -over which he presided more fit for its purpose without too much extra -expense. - -We got into conversation quite easily, and he was speedily in -possession of my story. For, I was literally aching to tell it to -someone, and I could not have found a more sympathetic listener. He -was, I think, one of those people who are often cruelly described as -"nobody's enemy" but his own, but who should be better described as -everybody's friend but his own, for a more unselfish chap never lived, -and that character is, whatever its other faults may be, possessed of -the golden virtue of helpfulness in an eminent degree. - -Well, before we had been talking an hour he was installed as the -friend of the family, in which unenviable position, as far as he was -concerned, he reigned without a rival all the time we had the business. -It was a bright and cheery episode, and did me more good than a hundred -customers would have done, so that I went to bed that night feeling -quite contented, and happy. I had found a friend who would be a friend -indeed. - -The first proof I had of the value commercially of my new friend's -help was that coming in contact with so many people at the library, he -recommended me as a picture-framer in season and out. Anyhow he got me -work, which, whether it paid or not, was what I ardently desired. For -while I was _doing_ something I was, as Kipling says, swallowed up in -the clean joy of creation, and nothing else then mattered very much to -me. So gradually customers began to flow in, very gradually it is true, -but they _did_ come, and although my gains were small I made many good -friends who did their best to recommend me to others. I had a workshop -on the first floor which was a chosen haunt of my intimates, who, their -work being done, used to come and perch amidst the unpicturesque litter -and watch me at work, preferring apparently to be there in thirsty -discomfort to being in the local saloon bar. But how they did smoke! -We had a varied compound of odours up there, boiling glue, sour paste -and general dustiness, but the whole rank compound was leavened, and I -think purified, by tobacco smoke, diligently emitted by my friends as -they watched me at work. - -The curious part of these gatherings was that I had nothing to offer -these guests, no refreshment, either wet or dry. I was far too poor -for that. Not that any of them ever seemed to expect anything but a -precarious seat on the edge of a box, or even standing room. They -brought their own tobacco and talked and smoked while I worked, and -when at last the job was finished and I had to say, "Now, you fellows -must clear out, I've got to take this job home," they would go -reluctantly--except occasionally that some of them would insist upon -lending me a hand with my load to the door of the house that I was -bound to. Ah, it was a strenuous time and full of worries, but I know -now that it had its own peculiar charm and value, also a certain zest -which I shall never know again. - -Noble sportsmen spend huge sums and risk life and limb hunting game, -I was gambling with my health and strength for an elusive stake, and, -generally speaking, the odds were against me. And what made the venture -of more intense interest was of course the helpless dependents. These -made it impossible for me to halt even if, as often happened, I lost -heart. It must be a good thing to be compelled to go on, it often -makes a hero out of quite an ordinary person, raising him to heights of -effort of which he never dreamed himself capable. All the more honour -therefore to those, who, without these incentives, press forward to -their goal in defiance of every hindrance. - -I now began to realise in full measure the minor trials of the -shop-keeper. The mere buying and selling, the commercial side of the -business had in it a good deal of pleasure, but there was little in -the more sordid details of keeping the stock dusted, the shop clean, -the windows bright. Oh, those windows! they had a fascination for -the children of the neighbourhood, whose chief delight appeared to -be to get a lump of horse-dung or mud or filth of any sort and smear -on them immediately after I had spent an hour's hard work in getting -them clean. And I did begrudge the time for doing this, yet I couldn't -afford to pay for having it done, that would indeed have been taking -the exiguous gilt off the all too scanty gingerbread. And there was -yet another prime difficulty. I dared not let a customer go who wanted -anything that I had not in stock at the time, but would promise to get -it whatever it was. And so I had to make continual rushes to the city -after office hours, the travelling expenses almost invariably eating up -double the profits, rather than have a customer go elsewhere and say -that he or she could not get what they wanted from me. - -This is the main difficulty of a suburban shop like mine was, started -with insufficient capital, for it is impossible to keep a stock on hand -sufficient to meet the needs of all customers, so vastly varied are the -details of nearly every business now. But in this matter the wholesale -dealers are kindness and courtesy itself. They might very well neglect -the small, hardly beset trader, or refuse to supply him unless he gave -a substantial order, but in my experience they are just as courteous -and ready to meet the wants of the smallest of their customers as they -are of the huge retailers who spend scores of thousands of pounds per -annum with them. I always think of this when I read diatribes in the -press about the laxity of British trade methods abroad, and wonder how -much truth there can be in them. - -This, however, is trenching upon the ground of high commercial -politics, very far removed indeed from my feeble shopkeeping, and so -I must needs return humbly to the principal difficulty encountered on -the left hand side of my shop, or let us say grandiloquently, "The -Fancy and Art Needlework Department." When customers began to come in -we soon found that they almost invariably wanted something we had not -got in stock, often something which we had never heard of, and when -we hinted that the demand was infrequent or unusual, lifted shoulders -and half-closed eyes proclaimed most eloquently profound disbelief in -our statements, or an equally profound belief in our unfitness for -the particular business in which we were engaged. I was often tempted -to believe that ladies upon whose hands time hung heavy did of malice -aforethought study our poor windows, and finding that something in the -art needlework line which they knew of was not there (alas _that_ was -not difficult), would enter boldly and ask for it. If by some happy but -unusual chance we had it, and displayed it triumphantly, nothing was -easier than to decry its quality or tint or something, and retiring say -that they would think about it. Doubtless in this employment there was -great sport to be found, seeing the number of women who practised it, -but it needed the exercise of much patience and amiability to take it -politely when once we had begun to realise that it was a game to these -folks, and nothing more. - -Still I make no doubt but that this trial did us good, in that no one -can exercise patience and politeness without becoming more patient -and polite. Only when the making of a sale was almost imperative by -reason of present need for money there was often a sick feeling at the -heart upon realising that the comfortably dressed, bejewelled woman -upon whom we were attending so assiduously had not the remotest idea -of making a purchase, but was only passing the time away in what was -to her a pleasant fashion. Such behaviour, so common among women of -leisure, is hard enough upon paid employees of a shop, but it is very -much harder upon such people as depend upon the scanty earnings of the -shop itself. Ah well, it was only another of the lessons I was learning -that, as a sardonic shopkeeper friend of mine said one day, a small -trader in London must be a transgressor, in that his way was certainly -hard. - - - - -CHAPTER IX - -IN HARNESS - - -Now indeed I began to realise, in spite of what I so often read in -the daily papers, something of the optimistic pushfulness of the -commercial traveller. The shop had not been open very long when they -began to call, and such was their power of persuasion, so eager were -they to sell me something, however little, so as to get a foot in as -it were, that I often felt grateful that I was away all day. I left -concise orders that nothing was to be bought, but on the occasions when -I happened to be at home I felt so soft and yielding in the hands of -these persistent pushers of their employer's wares that I could not but -pity my wife, charged as she was with the duty of saying no to men who -refused to recognise such a word as belonging to any language. - -They were so polite, so gentlemanly, so pathetic, and so well informed. -They seemed able to talk upon any subject, although they all had a -marvellous knack of twisting any topic round to the one they were -interested in. The luxuriance and fruitfulness of their imaginations, -too, always impressed me, and although I always deprecated them -wasting their time over so impecunious a tradesman as I was I had -a good deal of joy in their company, bright and cheerful as it -always was. But I have also to confess that they were dangerous -counsellors. Their pleading for small orders, just one line, their -utter indifference to the payment, making it so fatally easy to get -into debt, I look back upon now with horror. And yet I suppose it is -of the essence of business, this hopeful airy outlook upon life. I -now see that I might have stocked my shop with the choicest products, -might have made it glow again and--but never mind--that comes later. -I am not, never was, a strong-minded person; except in certain very -restricted directions I am exceedingly prone to take the line of least -resistance, but I do feel just a little puffed up with the knowledge -that I was so often able to say no and stick to it in spite of all the -blandishments of those delightful drummers. - -I had been about a year in the shop when I realised that I could no -longer expect to do any good whatever with the fancy department. The -Islanders had obviously no aspirations in the direction of crewel work, -applique or any other form of art embroidery. Or if they had they did -not consider that my emporium was the place to satisfy them. So I -began to face the possibility of writing off all the expenditure on -that side as a loss, and the only question was, whose? For beyond all -controversy I was now in debt--how much I would not know, dared not -contemplate. But as my picture-framing was still a going concern, and -subject to sudden spasmodic accessions of trade, I was always kept on -the tenterhooks of expectation--I dare not say hope--that one big order -might put things right. In this I was doubtless somewhat encouraged by -a sympathetic fellow-clerk, who used to suggest to me the possibility -of my getting orders for frames to be exhibited say in all the stations -from King's Cross to Aberdeen, and just for fun we often used to -speculate upon the profits to be obtained from such a contract. I knew -perfectly well that I stood not the slightest chance of getting such a -bit of fat as such a contract would be, but I felt that it cost nothing -to build a castle or two upon its possibilities, and so I did. - -Indeed I wanted some romance in my grey life now, for I was getting -hemmed in on every side. The rates kept going up, the gas bills were -crushing, sickness was perennial with us owing to the bad drainage -of the house, and to make matters very much worse, the structural -conditions of the place rendered it barely habitable. The landlord -would do nothing, and I could do nothing, towards making the house fit -to live in; and in consequence, as he lived next door, our relations, -as they say in the newspapers, were strained. I blamed him then, but -now I repent that I did so, for he was a poor man also, and he must -have often felt that his rent was in the greatest danger. As indeed it -was, although I gratefully remember that I _did_ pay him all that he -was entitled to, not indeed without some slight coercion, but still I -did pay. - -Fortunately for me I had made the acquaintance of some religious bodies -in the neighbourhood, and I had now some employment for my Sundays. -This was a prime necessity for me, for I had never been able to go to -church in the ordinarily accepted sense of the term. I wanted to be up -and doing. And as I had been used to this for years I felt the loss of -it very much on coming to East Dulwich. And until I had made myself -known and received invitations to speak in the open air meetings, I was -quite unhappy. For no matter how much else I had to do, this particular -business seemed to be indispensable to my wellbeing, to supply a need -that nothing else would. I suppose that many of our present Members -of Parliament owe their positions to the same compelling desire of -holding forth to their fellows in the open air forum, of seeing the -effect that their oratory has upon their hearers. Now I am not going -to recapitulate the experiences I have set down in the "Apostle of the -South East," but only to point out that this life of mine was as you -might say triangular. First in point of importance, but not I fear in -consideration, was the office, when I drew my regular recurring pay. -Next the shop, which I never knew whether to class as an awful incubus -or a pleasant recreation (it was both at times), and lastly the -evangelistic work in the open air which claimed most of my Sundays. I -might perhaps make up the square by bringing in my domestic life, but -that would involve writing of details that are quite private, and so I -leave that side to be assumed as a sort of leaven running through the -whole lump. - -From which foregoing outlines it may be taken for granted that my life -was fairly full, that I had no need to kill time. Yet so true is it -that the busiest people are always those who seem to have time at their -disposal, that I managed to keep up my reading, not merely of books but -newspapers, and followed all the events of the day with the keenest -interest. But this was not, as it never has been, from an ardent desire -to educate myself, and reach out ambitiously after something better -than I was doing. If in all I have written hitherto there is one word -that can be construed into a vain-glorious asking for praise on account -of my energy, my perseverance, my earnest desire to get on and all -the rest of the nauseous twaddle, I beg my readers to forgive me, and -to believe that I had not, never had, never can have the slightest -intention of posing in this manner. - -My _Apologia_ must be this: I worked hard because I was afraid of -the consequences if I didn't, not at all because I was naturally -industrious, energetic, or ingenious, for I know that I was none of -these things, or rather that I had none of these fine qualities. I -read whenever I could, whatever I could, because I loved reading for -its own sake, and I read good stuff because I had a natural distaste -for rubbish. A good book could and can still make me forget all earthly -ills, all my surroundings, in fact make me cry and laugh and wonder, -while a bad book makes me absolutely ill if I persevere in reading it. - -To return to another development of my business as a picture-framer -consequent upon opening a shop. Delightful people came in and talked, -first about pictures and their frames, then about art in all its -branches (which by the way necessitated me reading up "Art"), and then -by an easy transition to any subject in which they were interested -at that particular time. Sometimes these breaks in the greyness of -everyday life were welcome, and led to most useful acquaintanceships -and friendships; but sometimes when I had an order to finish and -deliver for urgent reasons, I talked with a wild pre-occupied look and -itching hands, longing to tell my suave interlocutor to go to Jehannum -or elsewhere, and let me get on with my work, yet not daring to do so -for fear of offending a potential customer. - -Yet very often when such a one had given an order for a -one-and-ninepenny frame and had gone away, my over-wrought nerves -refused to allow me to finish what I had in hand. Because, -principally, of the glass. Now your born glass-cutter has no nerves, -cannot have. In the nice handling of a diamond across a virgin sheet of -fifteen-ounce glass, the slightest imaginative tremor must have fatal -results, that is as regards the profit to be made from clean cutting. -But this important matter must be much more particularly explained, for -to me it has often meant the difference between profit and loss, to say -nothing of the pains I endured by reason of my inability to swear--for -only language lurid, loud, and long, could relieve my labouring bosom, -I felt sure, on many of these occasions. - -Be it known to you then that the ordinary picture-framer's glass -comes from Belgium in cases containing I forget how many sheets each -about fifty inches long and thirty-six inches wide, and weighing -roughly fifteen ounces to the square foot. The price per case varies -continually, but it may be safely assumed that, given a _skilful -cutter_, a retail price of twopence halfpenny a square foot will yield -a profit of about twenty five per cent. Only, much of this glass has -so many air bubbles in it, is so uneven in thickness, that it can only -be used for pictures on the assumption that the customer will not -mind a bubble giving a sinister twist to some character's eye in the -picture, or in certain lights, a series of blotches upon the whole -scene. It is really window glass, but when Christmas number plates -must be framed in competition for about eighteenpence each, no poor -framer can afford to regard trifles like that. And then its uneven -substance in such large sheets makes the manipulation of it a matter of -extreme difficulty except to those in constant practice and with highly -trained skill. Now very early in my occupation of a shop I learned that -I must give up my old fiddling system of buying my glass ready cut in -Westminster and carrying it home, for many reasons, not the least of -these being that I got no profit out of it. - -So I bought a diamond for twelve and sixpence, and happened to get a -very good one. Then I ordered a case of glass, and unconsciously with -it I received a stock of trouble out of all proportion to any profit I -was ever likely to make. Nothing that ever I undertook gave me so many -tremors, cost me so much sweat, as did this truly diabolical business -of glass-cutting. The rough case in which the sheets came standing -on its edge at the end of the shop was to me the abode of devils--I -approached it trembling, drew out a great wavering sheet, and lifted -it on to the sloping table covered with baize which I had made. If I -got it there all right I heaved a great sigh of relief, and usually -went about some other job for a little while to steady my nerves before -tackling the more important business of cutting. That is if there was -no one waiting for a square. If there was, although my mouth was dry -and my heart was thumping furiously against my ribs I had perforce to -assure a jaunty air and even, God help me, hum a tune while my teeth -almost chattered. "Conscience doth make cowards of us all," but so -does poverty and dread of loss which can be ill borne, and I will back -poverty to be the greater maker of cowards. I know it will be thought -that I am making a lot of this trivial matter, but I solemnly declare -that during my seafaring career, in the presence very often of the most -appalling dangers, I have never felt the sickness of heart that has -come over me when one of the huge sheets of glass, has, despite all my -care, fallen in a heap of tinkling fragments from my shaking hands. - -I have many memories of painful endurance connected with glass, but one -stands out prominently from all the rest. It was on a Friday, and I -had rather a large order in hand which if I got in that night I might -reasonably hope to get the money for on Saturday, and so be ready for -that rapidly recurring bug-bear, Saturday night. I had three original -sheets of glass left in the case, ample to fill the order I had in -hand, even with a little more than my average allowance of accidents. -I was singing blithely at my work when the tell-tale bell over the -shop door announced a customer. With a sigh I laid down my tools, for -in the midst of a job like that at nine o'clock at night I dreaded -interruption, the more that I usually found it profitless, trivial, -and annoying. I found a man in the shop twiddling a piece of string in -his fingers, and my heart sank, for I knew that meant glass cutting, -my customers for glass nearly always bringing their dimensions on -pieces of string. He asked me quietly for a strip of glass "that size" -throwing the string on the counter, _that_ size being four feet long, -by four and a half inches wide. For one moment I meditated telling -him to go elsewhere, but an infernal spasm of pride came to me for my -undoing, and assuming an air of nonchalance to hide my smouldering rage -I drew out the first of my three sheets and laid it on the operating -table. I laid the cutting laths on it and drew my diamond along its -surface for about a foot when click! it cracked diagonally across. -There was a cry of sympathy from my enemy, but without a word I removed -the pieces and drew out another sheet. That literally fell to fragments -as I was lifting it on the table. - -Now my nerves were fretted to fiddle strings, but with the calmness of -despair I laid hold on the third and last sheet taking absolutely no -heed of some remarks which the man was making behind me. I got that -on the table all right and cut the strip off, but as I was handing it -to him it fell in three pieces. I went on to cut another strip and -the remainder cracked in two lines making it almost useless for any -purpose. Then almost blind and deaf with suppressed rage and misery I -turned to my customer saying in a queer sounding voice, "I've got no -more glass to break, you'll have to go somewhere else." And then he -said something, _I_ don't know what it was, but I suddenly lost control -of myself and poured forth my sentiments. - -I was wrong, unjust, and rude, for it was certainly no fault of his, -and I have no excuse whatever, but oh it was hard to have to spoil -six or seven shillings worth of glass, to have ruined my chance of -completing the order I had in hand, and, as far as I could see, to -have jeopardised the poor kids' Sunday dinner--which was the unkindest -stroke of all. He had no sooner gone, with his measly sixpence still in -his pocket, than I shut up the shop, put away my tools, turned out the -gas, and went to bed with a book. But it was long ere I could make any -sense out of the printed characters--they all danced amid a glittering -halo of broken glass. - -I had made several spasmodic efforts next day to overtake the -difficulty which had fallen in my way, but unsuccessfully, and at 9 -P.M. having done all I could towards the order, short of getting the -glass for it, was standing disconsolately by my bench fingering in my -trousers pocket a shilling and a few coppers--all I had, on a Saturday -night, to "get the things in," as we say, for Sunday. Suddenly there -came shrilling up the stairs a cheerful whistle--four notes of the -ascending diatonic scale--the signal of my inestimable chum Bob from -the library over the way. It was literally what the Hindus call a -_Hawa-dilli_, a heart lifter, whenever I heard it, but never more so -than now. I gave the response, and he came bounding up--full of beans -as usual. "Well, old stick, how--" and then he stopped, my haggard look -I suppose daunted him. "Why, what's up then?" he queried. "Broke all -your glass?" I nodded gloomily, and then because I was selfish, and -full of my own trouble, I burst out and told him all. - -He listened in silence, but with a face full of sympathy, and when I -had finished he said, thrusting his hands down deep into his pockets, -"That's too bad; and I haven't got three bob myself. But wait a bit--I -believe I can touch Curwen for a quid till pay day--I'll be back in a -minute," and he was gone. He seemed to be back almost immediately, with -a joyful face, shouting, "All right, old man, here's half the plunder," -holding out half a sovereign to me. Did I take it? Certainly I did; the -possibility of not doing so never occurred to me, for I knew even then -that I would do the same as Bob had done had I the opportunity. Yes, I -took the money, and in a few minutes had laid in my supplies for Sunday -with an easy mind, but without extravagance. - -This which is noted as if it might be an extraordinary occurrence, -was nothing of the sort. Something similar happened many times, -indeed it was a fair sample of the friendship I enjoyed with this -particular man--a true fellowship which I am glad to mention as a -sample of the goodwill existing between chums, and as far removed from -the cold-blooded so-called charity of the majority of those who have -great possessions as can well be. If I dared I would like to add to -it by giving some instances of similar kindnesses received from one -or two others, not perhaps quite so intimate, but quite as kindly -meant, and as spontaneously offered. Only, alas, I know that to be more -explicit upon this head would be to offend those generous hearts most -grievously. They belong to the small select class who hate the idea of -their left hand knowing what their right hand does. Above all creeds -they yet practically obey the highest of all, and do their good deeds -with a shame-faced shrinking from publicity that is simply inexplicable -to those whose names figure so prominently in subscription lists. - -Amidst all the memories of that strenuous time, which cluster so -thickly around me as I write, none are more delightful than these--of -the sympathy and practical help I met with from those who were almost -as poor as myself. And, be it noted, not one of these dear friends were -in sympathy with the work which lay nearest my heart, the open-air -preaching. They were not Christian Brothers, nor did they feel at all -inclined to come under my teaching. It is, I fear, a lurid commentary -upon the way in which, within the churches, practical Christianity -is followed up, that in all my extensive experience, most of the -individual helping, the ready sympathy in practical ways for those -in trouble has come from "unbelievers" as they are contemptuously -termed. An enormous amount of "charity" is dispensed by the churches in -orthodox ways with due recognition of the donors, and often more than -adequate reward to the agents who distribute, but at whatever cost I -must affirm that it is nothing either as regards quantity, quality, -and effectiveness, with that individually given by those who make no -claim upon the name of Christian at all. What does this mean? To me it -means that while the Christian says that he is unworthy of the least -of the Father's mercies, he endeavours to find out before bestowing -a halfpenny in charity that the recipient shall be worthy in his -estimation of _his_ charity! I speak as a man, but that is my opinion. - - - - -CHAPTER X - -THE COTTAGE _ORNÉE_ - - -There must have been in the minds of those who have read so far, and -who have had some practical experience themselves, a dim enquiry, how -did this feeble tradesman keep out of the County Court? For to those -who have ever been in a like position to mine, the terror of the County -Court, the nearest approach to the Cadi under the palm tree that modern -jurisprudence can know, has been ever present. It is true that after -I became unable to pay my wholesale purveyor's bills as they came in, -I was put to great straits in writing, requesting, yes, begging, for -time to pay for what I had bought, because I had not yet sold it, nor -indeed had I any hope of doing so. These, however, were not the people -to sue me in a small debts court. Nor since I never had credit from the -neighbouring shopkeepers had I any difficulty with them, poor people, -whose only remedy, and that a weak one, with rogues lay in the County -Court. - -Thus it came about that I only knew the charming little one-story -building in the Camberwell New Road, which some delightful writer, I -forget who, has characterised as the "Cottage Ornée," by sight, and -its inscription, cut into the stucco of its façade, "Lambeth County -Court," never gave me a qualm. Every day I passed it either on foot or, -when I was well to do, on the twenty-four a shilling tram, which ran -from Camberwell Green to Vauxhall Station, and it really never occurred -to me that one day I should be all too familiar with the precincts. -That day came, however, and in a peculiar manner. I had hinted that -I was on none too good terms with my landlord, who lived next door -be it remembered, and our closer acquaintance did not at all improve -our relations. The fact is, I suppose, that he never understood me, -and I am sure I never understood him. He was trying to make a living -out of his shop next door and the little property which I rented from -him, and resented any attempts I made to compel him to render my -premises more habitable. I naturally saw things from my own standpoint, -and reprobated him for a soulless despot, who, having secured me as -a lessee of his rotten, tumble-down premises, expected me, while -paying him a heavy rental, to keep them in repair, which I resented -accordingly; and at last matters came to the pitch of my refusing to -pay any more rent until that desirable messuage, which I was lessee of, -should have its roof repaired and made tenantable, as I put it, for -human beings. - -He did not see eye to eye with me, and fell back upon the landlord's -best friend, a bum-bailiff, called in our vernacular, with every -inflection of emphasis that dislike could suggest, "th' bum." A most -unenviable occupation, and one requiring a front of brass, as well -as a great deal of callous energy. Such men should have no feelings, -and usually appear as if they had none, for they are willing for a -consideration that all the odium incurred by the landlord should be -transferred to them. There are, of course, exceptions to this general -rule, for some bailiffs are kindly and generous and honest, but I -unfortunately came across a bad specimen of the genus indeed. He -entered my shop one day, during my absence, and enquired for me, well -knowing that I was away at the Office, and gradually wormed his way -into the confidence of my wife by representing himself to her as a -friend who was deeply interested in my welfare, and anxious to arrange -amicably the little difference, as he put it, between my landlord and -myself. She was quite won by his manner, and entertained him with -tea until my arrival, when she introduced him to me in his assumed -character. - -I was quite as easily gulled as she was, and after a few minutes -amicable conversation, during which he repeatedly professed to be -able to smooth matters between my landlord and myself, as it was so -undesirable that neighbours such as we were should be on bad terms, -I showed him over the house, and pointed out to him its deplorable -condition. In this connection I also mentioned my many difficulties, -and the impossibility of my undertaking the necessary repairs even if -I felt disposed to, which I most emphatically did not. This confidence -of mine corroborated what my wife had been telling him, though that I -did not then know, and should have made him sorry for the task he had -set himself. But presently, to my amazement, he said, quite casually, -"Well, about this quarter's rent, don't you think you'd better pay -it and save trouble?" I stared at him for a moment, not even then -realising that I had been entertaining a wolf in sheep's clothing, and -then replied, "I couldn't pay it anyhow before the end of the month" -(it was then about the twentieth), "but I shan't pay it until he makes -the place fit to live in." - -"Oh well," he answered coolly, "you know your own business best, I -suppose. I've done all I can, and if you won't pay, I must leave a man -in possession, that's all. He's waiting outside. There's my card," and -with that he displayed to my horror-stricken gaze a piece of pasteboard -on which the words, "Broker and Appraiser" stood out apparently in -letters of fire. My eyes were opened indeed, but it was too late. I -could only promise to do what I could on the morrow, and plead that -in the meantime he would keep his man off the premises, in view of -the harm in a business sense it would undoubtedly do me. This, after -much apparent cogitation and very grudgingly, he consented to do on -my solemn promise to have the money there for him, with his fee in -addition, the next evening at six o'clock. And then he strode out with -the air of a conqueror, all his suavity of demeanour having vanished -with the necessity for it. - -Eight pounds to be obtained by six o'clock the next day! No credit -anywhere, not a bit of portable property pawnable, and pay-day ten -days off. Yes, I know what you are thinking, reader, "Is it possible -that this man had let his rent fall due without making any provision -for it?" To go into explanations would take far too long, and would, -besides, not be over profitable, so the easiest way is to say that I -_had_ been so foolish and improvident, and whatever other epithet may -be chosen, and not for the first time either. But hitherto I had always -managed to pay up well within the usual days of grace allowed without -having a bailiff presented to me. - -I'm afraid I did not get much sleep that night, which was unusual, -for although I did not sleep long I slept soundly as a rule. One -fact stood out prominently in my memory, the advertisement of a -philanthropist in one of the streets off the Adelphi, who was always -prepared to advance to gentlemen in permanent employment, who might -be temporarily embarrassed, £5 on their simple note of hand without -any bothering security whatever. Prudence whispered, "Don't do it." -Necessity growled, "You must." And so next day, during my luncheon -hour, I hurried with a thumping heart to the address given in the -advertisement. The matter was simplicity itself. The gentleman was a -well-fed young Hebrew of quiet manners, who merely asked me a civil -question or two and referred to a red book. "All right, Mr Bullen, -you can have £5 on your signing this promissory note to pay £5. 10s. -this day month." I accepted eagerly, shook hands cordially, and in -two minutes was speeding back to the office with this precious fiver -in my pocket. The making up of the other £3 was a matter of much more -difficulty, and I am not justified in giving details, but I hurried -home at five with £7. 19s. 6d. in my pocket, and a feeling of ability -to face anybody and anything. - -But had I known it, I had just taken a step that cost me afterwards -more suffering than I even now care to think of. That simple little -fiver, so easily borrowed at 120 per cent. per annum, and parted with -directly to pay a debt that ought never to have become a debt! Well, I -cannot say that it the was beginning of sorrows, but it certainly was -the beginning of a great accession to the sorrows I already had. And I -went home as glad as a boy who had just passed his first examination, -as pleased as if I had just found five pounds instead of having added -some rivets to the chain already round my neck. - -The broker was waiting for me when I got home--when I saw him I felt -with a chill that he knew all that I had been doing to get his claim -settled--and I greeted him manfully, but without effusion, lugging the -money out of my pocket and pushing it over towards him. He counted -it in silence and gave me a receipt, and then said, as if it was an -after-thought, "Oh, a friend of mine asked me to give you this as I -should be seeing you." _This_ was a summons to the Lambeth County Court -to give reasons why I should not summarily pay an account of £7 odd -incurred for attendance and medicine some five months before. What I -thought as I gazed at the document I do not know, what I said were the -banal words "All right, I'll attend to it." Yes _I_ could attend to it, -returnable in a week's time too. My pay of £9. 3s. 4d. never seemed to -go very far in the settling of the demands made upon me, but this month -it seemed as if it were a mere farce to take it up at all, so little -would it do. And then there were the poor rates, the gas account, the -water rate, and a few other little things of that kind, to say nothing -of the perfectly ridiculous yet nevertheless imperative necessity of -obtaining food for six persons. - -However, as long as the demands were not made on the spur of the -moment, as it were, I felt, like the immortal Micawber, that something -might turn up, and so I went stolidly on my way, only carefully noting -the date of my enforced appearance at the County Court. My chief -difficulty at this troublous time, as it always was afterwards while I -was a shopkeeper, was the absence of ready money, even in such small -amounts as might suffice to pay the few pence required to pay my fare -to and from the office on a wet day. This gave an exquisite relish to -the farce of receiving not merely begging circulars, but visits of -calling beggars, whether they boldly asked alms, or in a confidential -manner requested the loan of a few shillings for a fortnight. - -When the day of my appearance at Court arrived, I was punctual in my -attendance, having obtained a day's leave from the office, and I must -admit, that in spite of the urgency of my own private affair, I found -it possible to take a great amount of interest, and find a great deal -of amusement in what was going on. I must also confess that I was -really appalled at the utter disregard of the value of the oath taken -by those appearing as plaintiffs or defendants. It was rare, indeed, -to find in any case that the plaintiff did not swear one thing and the -defendant the exact opposite. The duty of the Registrar (I had not -made the acquaintance of the judge yet) seemed to consist of deciding -which was the most likely story out of each pair told him, and acting -accordingly. And as I was not called upon till midday, I heard a great -deal of this, so much indeed that I felt full of wonder how any man -could occupy such a position as that presiding officer did and retain -any belief in what anybody said. - -At last my case was called, and it was simplicity itself. "Do you owe -this money?" queried the Registrar sharply. "Yes, sir," I replied. -"Then why don't you pay it?" was the next and most obvious question. -"Because I can't," I answered humbly, and was proceeding to explain -those reasons, although I could see the gentleman I was addressing was -taking no notice of me, when he suddenly stopped me and called upon my -creditor (who I may say, was not the doctor, but an agent to whom the -doctor paid a percentage for collecting his debts) to give evidence of -my means. He stated what he knew very fairly, viz. that I kept a shop -and had a permanent situation. Upon which the Registrar ordered me to -pay within a fortnight and called the next case. I was, of course, -mightily astonished at being so peremptorily silenced, especially as -I felt sure that from what I had seen that morning I should have got -on much better had I denied the debt altogether. But I was only then -commencing my acquaintance with our laws, as affecting debtor and -creditor, wherein at every turn a premium is placed upon dishonesty -and falsehood, and the honest debtor seldom obtains either justice or -mercy. Of that, however, later on. - -That first experience of mine at the County Court, apart altogether -from my personal interest in it, was a serious revelation to me. I had -no idea before how futile were the oath-takings, with what lightness -of heart men and women perjured themselves. I do not mean by that -any reference to difficulty of expression or treachery of memory, but -deliberate lying upon oath, and that too about such trivial matters -as a few shillings, or even, as it appeared to me, for the sake of -preventing a friend from losing a case. Also I was amazed to see how -lightly this matter was regarded by the officials; for I had always -looked upon perjury as a crime of such magnitude as to be even spoken -of with bated breath. But these officials lived in an atmosphere of -perjury, and had I suppose, grown case hardened, at anyrate, they heard -it all day long and took no heed as far as I could see. I make no -excuse for referring to this matter again, because of what I believe to -be its tremendous significance. - -Another thing in which I then first became much interested was the ease -with which anybody possessed of sufficient impudence and plausibility -could accumulate debt, repudiate it or ignore it, or delay paying any -part of it until summoned for it, and then quite easily, as it appeared -to me, get off by paying a ridiculous sum per month. Here in many cases -I failed to see any justice at all. To illustrate my meaning I will -quote two typical cases. The first was that of a man who did not appear -himself, but sent his young wife, who was rather good-looking, very -smartly dressed, and completely equipped with saucy self-confidence and -much power of repartee. The debt was £15 for meat supplied from day to -day. Small amounts had been paid off the ever-growing bill, but at -last the butcher, who was in a very small way of business, feeling that -his hopes of ever getting his money were growing so faint as almost to -disappear altogether, summoned the debtor for the amount. Undoubtedly -he had been very patient, but then if such patience were not common -among small traders, however would the poor live? - -The debt was not denied, for a wonder, but the lady pleaded, "My -'usban's ben aht o' work fur a good many weeks, an' he aint earnin' -more'n fifteen shillin' a week nah, me washup, an' so we cahn't pye -this money." "But you have been still running up the bill," said the -judge. "Yus me washup," said the lady, "we 'ad ter live, yer see." -Upon being appealed to for leniency to the debtor under these sad -conditions, the butcher successfully proved that the consumer of his -meat had four carts and six horses, and kept four men in constant -employment. As to being ill or out of work, these statements were pure -embroidery, the whole concern was in flourishing order, and had been -for years. The butcher wound up by declaiming indignantly, "An' I -gotter find a bloke like that in grub wot I gotter pye my hard-earned -brass down on the nail fer, 'im as could buy an' sell me twicet over -any dye?" it did seem queer. - -But the net result was that the debtor was condemned to pay his debt -of £15 and costs off at the rate of _five shillings_ per month, and -the lady danced out of the witness box with a _moue_ full of derision -at the hapless butcher. Lest this may seem to be an especially chosen -incident I here assert that such a case is peculiarly common and -typical as is the next case I quote, but the reason for the difference -in treatment I leave wiser heads than mine to determine. - -A pale, slender man neatly dressed and giving his occupation as that -of a clerk, was summoned by a doctor for a debt and costs of £5. 10s. -This, by the way, was at another County Court and before a judge. Asked -why he did not pay the bill, the defendant pleaded that the amount -originally asked was excessive, inasmuch as it was for three visits and -two bottles of medicine. He further stated that he was just emerging -from a long period of unemployment, and that his wages were now £2 per -week. - -Without calling upon the doctor the judge thundered at the unfortunate -debtor "who are you to assess the value of the doctor's services? Pay -the whole amount within a fortnight. That'll do, I won't hear another -word. Next case." And the hapless debtor went slowly down and out as -much surprised as I was, doubtless, at the strange inequalities of -justice. The case was peculiarly noticeable in that the defendant, -having moved a long way from the neighbourhood after incurring the -debt, had voluntarily returned to the doctor with the first money he -had earned to pay his bill, and only refused on account of what he -considered its exorbitant amount. I make no comment, I only wonder. - -Now came for a time a blessed relief, not that is from any of the major -burdens, but from my most pressing necessities. Orders flowed in from -all quarters, and I found the utmost difficulty in keeping pace with -them. I used to get up at half-past two or three in the morning, and -after making myself a cup of tea get to work with such furious energy, -that I look back upon it now with utter amazement. Many and many a time -I have done what anybody might consider a really good day's work before -breakfast-_time_ (I never had any breakfast) or say eight o'clock, when -I must needs wash and dress and rush off to my office work where I was -due at nine. By the time one o'clock came, I had a decent appetite -which I stayed very cheaply, my early experience now standing me in -good stead. A half-penny loaf, a pennyworth of cheese, a half-penny -beetroot or a penny tomato with a half a pint of mother-in-law (stout -and bitter) to wash it down with, used to make me a very good meal at -a cost of threepence or fourpence. Or I would, if flush of money, have -a quarter of boiled pork and a ha'porth of pease pudding, which with -a halfpenny loaf or a ha'porth of potatoes made a sumptuous meal and -one that I enjoyed far more than any elaborate banquets I have ever -attended since. And the total cost never exceeded sixpence. - -Such meals had a relish all their own, and if business drove me to a -cook-shop for the orthodox cut off the joint and two vegetables for -sixpence, I never enjoyed it as well, with one exception. A local -cook-shop made a speciality of stewed steak, at least that is what -they called it, though it was really shin of beef, and it was very -good and satisfying, with plenty of thick brown gravy. They only -charged fourpence for it, so that with a pennyworth of potatoes and a -pennyworth of pudding afterwards I could make a really good meal for -sixpence. Here I learned what was of great use to me, a lesson that I -now see inculcated on every hand, how small a quantity of food the body -really needs to do good work upon, and conversely how much more food -than is really necessary the average man or woman does consume. But I -cannot take any credit for this learning, for like so many other useful -lessons conveyed to us it was compulsory, I had no choice but to learn -it. The result has been at any rate that the "pleasures of the table" -have never since then meant anything to me, one plain meal in the -middle of the day sufficing for all my needs, and keeping me in such -health as the results of my overwork will allow me. - -Still I should be very sorry to go about endeavouring to force other -people to go and do likewise, because I have learned very thoroughly -how great a factor is individuality, and how true is the old proverb -that one man's meat is another man's poison. And I humbly think that if -some of our vociferous propagandists would learn that lesson also it -would be much better for the general peace. - - - - -CHAPTER XI - -NEARING THE END - - -There was no especial reason as far as I know for closing that last -chapter, and commencing a new one, except that it was getting too long -in my opinion. For the story I was telling was incomplete, I having -gone off at an unexpected angle on the question of food supplies. -However, I will now resume and say that the influx of work I mentioned -lasted for a fortnight, during the whole of which time I can aver that, -except on Sundays, I was never in bed after 3 a.m. or before 11 p.m., -and that I was often so weary on coming home from the city with a load -of moulding, that I would sit down on a chair in the shop and be unable -to rise for half an hour. But as I would not allow myself to think -about the future, or ask myself what was the good of it all, I was not -unhappy, and I was able to take a good deal of pride in my work. And by -the time the pressure slackened, I had settled that wretched summons, -had paid my rates, and a few other immediate liabilities, besides being -able to buy a few sorely needed articles of clothing for the family. - -There was however no lightening of the old burden of debt, and in -fact I realised that nothing short of a miracle would enable me to do -that. For if I got all the work I craved for I should surely break -down, while the utmost that I could earn would not do much more than -pay the heavy current expenses of the shop. Had I been able to employ -some help, it might have been better, but I don't know about that. I -had to do my own errands--I could not delegate my buying in the city -to anybody else, although it did entail such a heavy burden upon me -physically. Meanwhile I paid cash for everything I had, though I did -not pay anything of the bills already incurred. - -In this connection I have an amusing recollection. The moulding -merchant with whom I dealt was an elderly German in a large way of -business, and I had always heard of him as a kindly old soul, but had -never come into personal contact with him. Now, however, I owed him -nearly £30, for which I had given a bill, and was constantly renewing -it; and, consequently, although I dealt with the firm for all my -mouldings, and paid cash, I dreaded meeting one of the principals, and -indeed slank in and out of the premises like a thief. One day, however, -I ran right into the old gentleman, who looked at me keenly and said, -"Ach, Meesder Boollen, aindt id?" I humbly answered, "Yes, sir." "Yes, -sir," he rather mockingly replied, "now I haf peen in pizness here in -London for more as tirty year, andt I nefer ad a gustomer dot righdt -me sooch nice ledders as you. But you tondt send me no money, hein? I -likes to read dose ledders, dey vas very goot, but vy tondt you pay -some money too, hein?" - -I endeavoured to give him such reasons as I had, and he listened -carefully, saying when I had done, "Ach so! Vell, you pay ven you -can, undt tondt you go puying your mouldings someveres ellas mit your -ready money. Ve all haf droubles, undt ve get over 'em. You get over -yours somedime I hope, and den you pay your bill. Goodt efening." And -he turned and went into his office, while I went on into the moulding -shop with a warm feeling of gratitude to the kind old man, and a firm -determination that he should not suffer loss through me if I could -possibly help it. - -Thenceforward I struggled on, sometimes feeling as if the waters which -were always about my chin would suddenly submerge me, but compelled to -go on. I often compared myself at this time to a man running in front -of a train, between two high walls, allowing of no escape to either -side, having no choice but to run or be run over. Still I found solace -in my books and newspapers, and relieved my mind of some of its cares -by taking an intense interest in political matters as well as the open -air propaganda of religion. - -What I suppose will strike some people with amazement is the fact that -starting as an extreme radical, never a Home Ruler, I gradually became -utterly disgusted with the radical position. Full of admiration for -the socialism of Christ, I grew to detest the socialism that I saw -being practised by the noisy party in the vestry, and the doctrines -I heard preached by the socialists in the open air simply filled me -with dismay. For it was nothing else but the survival of the unfit and -incurably idle, the morally degenerate, at the expense of the fit, -the hard-working and ever-striving classes, an effort in short not to -level up, but to level down, a complete subversion of the golden rule -of do to all men as ye would they should do unto you. Get all you can -for yourself, and the devil take anybody else. Eat and drink all you -can at somebody else's expense, no matter who. Beget as many children -as you like, and let somebody else care for them. And so on. Oh! it -used to make me very sick and sorry, but I am glad to say that in my -preaching of what I felt to be right, I always had a most sympathetic -and respectful hearing; and I really do believe that the detestable -doctrines of loaferdom and savagery which masquerade as socialism have -very little hold upon the ordinary people of our streets. - -Another great solace of mine was an occasional chat with my fellow -shopkeepers, most of whom, like myself, had a severe struggle to live. -It makes me positively ill to hear the blatant cant that is talked -about the working man, meaning journeymen and labourers only. The -small London suburban shopkeeper toils far harder than any of them, is -preyed upon by them to an extent which must be incredible to those -who don't know, is taxed almost out of existence to support them in -the schemes continually being propounded for their benefit by their -representatives on the Borough Councils, and is quoted in radical -newspapers as the bitter enemy of the working classes. - -I found them a kindly, genial, well-informed class of men, shrewd -and keen, as indeed they need be in order to live, and particularly -free from the petty vices of public-house loafing, betting, and bad -language, which are so peculiarly the characteristics of the "working -man." But the hardest hit of them all I think were the small grocers. -I knew two or three of them intimately, men whose lives were one long -grey grind of labour. Who could not live unless they opened very early -in the morning, before the big capitalist shops, such as the Home and -Colonial, Lipton's, etc., and kept open late at night for the same -reason. Even then they would not have been able to live but for giving -credit, which the big combinations do not allow their employees to do. -Many hundreds of families would come to the workhouse long before they -do, especially in hard winters, but for these small tradesmen giving -them credit for the bare necessities of life, and thus tiding them -over the pinching time. This system of first aid can hardly be called -philanthropy, since those who extend it do it for a living, and yet in -the multitudinous life of poor London it is a huge and most important -factor. Even the poor itinerant coal merchant, who goes to the wharf -and buys his coal by the ton, and then retails it through the streets -in small quantities from dawn to dark, may be seen on Saturdays, -the hardest day of all, when his selling of coal is done, painfully -dragging his weary way from door to door, collecting the payment for -the coal he has been vending on credit all the week. - -The costermonger, who has a regular pitch and regular customers, -competing with the tradesmen to whom he stands opposite in the most -unfair way, in that he has no rent, rates, or taxes to pay, will give -credit, and generously too, although he may often through a bad week -have to pay usurious interest in order to borrow the money to go to -market with. In fact all the small traders give credit, for the reasons -I have already stated. Of course, in this way much very inferior stuff -is got rid of, because it is certain that he who buys on credit retail -with either tradesman will have to pay higher prices than for cash, -or will have to put up with inferior goods, since it is impossible to -scrutinise too closely what you are receiving on credit unless indeed -you are of sufficient rank to make a tradesman glad to serve you on any -terms. - -One great exception to the universal rule of credit is the publican. -Because his wares are a luxury, and the indulgence in them in many -cases prevents the payment of legitimate claims, money can always be -found for him much, to the other shopkeepers' disgust. So far is this -system of credit carried out that I have known men get their ha'penny -morning and evening paper on credit, and even take their workman's -ticket, which their news vendor kept a supply of for the convenience of -customers, with the casual remark, "Stony broke this mornin', old man, -pay you on Saturday." More fools they to allow it, I hear some folks -say, but such poor traders allow a good many things to be done to them -rather than get the name of being close-fisted with their customers. - -To return for a moment to the work of the small shopkeeper, take for -instance the butcher. He must needs go to market, no matter what the -weather may be, as early as three or four in the morning; he is hard -at work all day fully exposed to the weather, and on Saturday must -keep open until one o'clock on Sunday morning. In addition to this in -many neighbourhoods it is imperative for him to open again on Sunday -for a few hours in order to satisfy the demands of those curious folk -who will not do their marketing on Saturday while the "houses" (public -understood) are open, and when they close at twelve o'clock are unfit -for anything but quarrelling or reeling home to bed. Hence Sunday -trading with all its attendant evils and its cruel strain upon the -small tradesman. - -I must confess, however, that although I sympathised so deeply with -all my shopkeeping associates, personally, I did not suffer as they -did. For my business being of a non-essential character it did not -greatly matter how late I opened my shop or how early I closed it. That -I had to carry my materials home from the city was due to the facts of -my position being so bad that I could not lay in a stock, and partly -because I found it cheaper and more convenient, if more laborious, -to buy my moulding as I got orders for frames. Another thing I must -say in justice to my customers, and in spite of the reputation of the -neighbourhood as impressed upon me when I started in business there--I -made practically no bad debts. Perhaps that was partly due to the fact -that people do not, in humble walks of life that is, have pictures -framed until they have the money ready to pay for the work; and another -thing, when I took work home, I always waited for the money, for I -always wanted it urgently. - -Occasionally, it is true, I had a little difficulty with people who -talked grandiloquently of calling round in a day or two, and paying -a bill of a few shillings, or of sending a cheque, say, of seven and -sixpence, but they were exceedingly seldom. But I had many heart -burnings through the vagaries of a certain type of person who would -come in and waste hours of my time (and I noticed that these visits -usually occurred when I was urgently busy) examining mouldings and -getting estimates up to several pounds in value. After which they -vanished, and I never saw them again. - -Once I was fairly victimised, though fortunately for only a small -amount, but I must plead that it took a long time. And as the story -is, in my opinion at any rate, exceedingly romantic, I may be pardoned -for telling it at length. In the course of business we had made the -acquaintance of a French lady, said to be a countess, and through her -we became intimate with her son and a lady from Sweden reputed to be -his wife. He was a pupil of Schubert, and an exquisite violinist, -and as I was always a great lover of music, and he was exceedingly -hospitable, we often went to his house, which was close at hand in -Melbourne Grove. There we met a truculent individual, black-avised, as -the old description runs, speaking a most hideous travesty of English, -and withal behaving as if he owned the establishment. His name I never -rightly knew, but it was nearly all consonants I remember, and he -was introduced to me as a Russian prince who had taken a prominent -part in the tragedy of Plevna, and held the rank of Captain in the -Preobrajensky Guards. Only a day or two elapsed after my first meeting -with this warrior when he appeared in my shop, and endeavoured to -tell me a wonderful tale of a diamond necklace worth some thousands -of pounds, the property of a French lady of high rank. This splendid -article had been pawned for a large sum, and the ticket had nearly -run out, but if it were redeemed it could be repledged for a greatly -increased sum, and the kindly person who would advance the cash for -this transaction would make something like 200 per cent. for his -amiability. How I understood all this I do not know but I did, and -smiled sardonically at the idea of me being selected for the operation, -_me!_ who never had any money except what I was in immediate and -pressing need of. - -His highness seemed genuinely and pathetically surprised, also somewhat -incredulous, when I managed to convey to him the true state of affairs -concerning myself. I did not, however, trouble to tell him that I felt -absolutely bristling with caution towards him, regarding him as the -worst type of the _Chevalier d'industrie_ I had ever heard of. So he -went away, but did not cease his visits to me, sometimes flashing a -pocketful of gold, sometimes without a sou. At last he made his grand -coup. He advertised in the French papers for a valet to attend upon -a Russian nobleman, who, as he had much valuable jewellery, would -require a deposit of £70 as security against dishonesty. Then he took -a house in East Dulwich Grove on a twenty-one year lease, and entered -into negotiations with a furnishing company to fit it up. Of course he -got his valet and his security, with part of which he paid the first -instalment of the purchase of his furniture. Within a week he had -sold every item of that furniture, and leaving his hapless valet to -starve in the empty house, had departed to the wilds of Soho to lead -a gay life as long as the money lasted. For this was his peculiarity, -stamping him indubitably as one of the _boys_ so graphically depicted -by Mr Ernest Binstead; he would lie, swindle, steal, do anything to -obtain money, sell the bed from under his dying mother, let us say, -or worse than that if it were possible, and when the money was in his -possession he would fling it broadcast with both hands as if he were -lord of millions. - -He had hardly disappeared before a man came to me who gave me his -card, which described him as a diamond merchant. He told me a pitiful -story of how the vanished nobleman had victimised him in the matter -of a diamond necklace, at which I felt the corners of my mouth relax -as I thought "same old song and dance." In consequence of the evil -wrought in his accounts by this most untoward transaction, he was -under the painful necessity of raising a loan on a bill of sale. His -house was fairly well furnished, but--he had no pictures. Now I knew -what pictures were to a house and--by the way--what a beautiful lot of -engravings I had framed to be sure. (I almost purred.) If I would only -lend him a few just to hang on his walls while the money-lender looked -around, he would be glad to pay me a pound for the accommodation, and -I could have the pictures back the next morning. Of course I wanted a -pound very badly, and I didn't see much risk, and the pictures had -been in stock so long that I didn't reckon them at more than £2. 10s. -anyhow, so I said, "All right, I'll bring them round in an hour's -time." He thanked me and left. He had not been gone more than five -minutes, when a neighbour who was a baker came in and asked me if that -wasn't the tenant of No. -- East Dulwich Grove, who had just gone out. -I said it was, and gave an outline of the transaction just completed. -My neighbour quietly said that they owed him fifty bob for bread, and -he meant to have it, and left. - -I took the pictures up and hung them. They looked very well, and the -family was loud in expressions of admiration. After many assurances -that I should have them back the next day, I left, meeting on my way -back my baker neighbour. He called on me about two hours later, saying -that he'd got his money, but only after kicking up such a row that the -respectable Grove was quite scandalised, and even the paupers at the -workhouse infirmary opposite were interested. I only smiled, for I -thought I understood. When, however, I found an my arrival home next -day that my pictures had _not_ been returned, and on calling round at -the house found it empty, I realised that in spite of all my confidence -in my own astuteness I had been done. Two days later, I saw my pictures -exposed for sale in a local pawnshop at a far higher price than I had -ever dared to ask for them. I had a chat with the pawnbroker on the -subject, and he seemed very much amused. I found it difficult to -understand why then, although it is clearer to me now. - -I also had a visit once from a certain notorious adventuress, whose -alias was, I believe, Mrs Gordon. She made quite a lot of interesting -copy for the newspapers about that time, and her picture was published -in various journals. But her plan for getting something out of me -was not very ingenious, at any rate I easily evaded it, and took -considerable credit to myself for my cleverness in doing so. - -Taking things all round, however, I was very fortunate in not being -victimised to any extent, for there is a large number of ingenious folk -going about London whose business it is to entrap unwary tradesmen who -deal in goods which may be easily disposed of for a trifle of ready -money. Dealers in perishable commodities, such as butchers, bakers, -grocers, or green-grocers, are tolerably safe from the attentions of -these gentry, but jewellers, furniture dealers, picture dealers, etc., -are particularly liable to be preyed upon, as I found, and indeed my -poverty was several times my only protection. I could not fall into -their traps, because I wanted money on account, which they never had. - -Now, strange as it may seem, I really did build up a fairly good -reputation in the neighbourhood as a picture-framer of taste and -punctuality, but owing to the fact that I could not wait upon customers -at all hours, could not, that is, attend to both businesses at once, I -was unable to do well. And then there is for suburban picture-framers -a distinctly slack season which extends from June until November. Then -when people are saving for their holidays, enjoying them or recovering -from them, the poor maker of frames may as well close his shop unless -he has other strings to his bow. The expenses still go on, rent must -be paid, gas bills met, etc., but my takings averaged five shillings a -week. - -At one of these periods, having received an invitation from a distant -relative in the wilds of Wiltshire to spend a fortnight down there -at an inclusive cost which was less than I must have spent had I -remained at home, I decided to go away. On leaving I pasted a notice -on the shutters: "Gone for a much needed holiday, return on the 25th -of August.--F. T. Bullen." When I did return, I was greeted by all my -shopkeeping neighbours with sardonic surprise, not unmixed with scorn. -They all said they never thought to see me again, having fully expected -that I had "done a guy," as they inelegantly put it, and several hinted -rather plainly that they considered me a fool for ever coming back; -which went to show very clearly that they knew as well as I did myself -that I was in difficulties. Indeed in a small community such as ours -was, it was not possible to conceal one's straits any more than it -would be in a little country town. I have no doubt that every one of my -neighbours knew how few were the customers that came into my shop as -well as they knew what the expenses of the shop were, in fact, as they -put it frequently to one another, I kept the shop, the shop didn't keep -me. - -Yes, everything seemed to trend downwards towards a place of the depth -of which I had no conception. Every fresh run of orders at the rare -intervals when they did arrive, only seemed to stave off the evil day -which would surely come, and it is not putting the matter one whit too -strongly to say that I had lost all hope of ever doing any good for -myself and family. Neither did I see how I was going to get rid of what -had come to be a perfectly diabolical burden, the shop. Despite all my -efforts I got deeper and deeper into debt, and among other things the -crushing load of the rates, then going up by leaps and bounds, owing -to the socialistic tendency of the local authorities, made me feel -peculiarly bitter; especially when I saw the troops of able-bodied men -slouching about the workhouse recreation grounds. - - - - -CHAPTER XII - -TOWARDS CAREY STREET - - -A keen sense of humour is one of my richest blessings, one that I prize -more than I can tell, but never before have I felt so keenly the great -desirability of being able to express myself humorously in writing. For -this narrative of mine, drab in all its essentials, tends ever to more -gloom. There were touches of humour in my life, for I know that I often -had a hearty laugh, but I remember too that this healthful exercise was -usually after I had gone to bed, and was reading one of my favourite -books for perhaps the twentieth time. But I am bound to say that any -relief to the gloom of my daily life except on Sundays, the delights -of which I have spoken before, was almost entirely wanting. I could, I -dare say, introduce a few humorous touches occasionally, for which the -reader would be duly grateful, but it would be at the expense of truth, -and anyhow it would be of a saturnine character if it were drawn from -my experience of every day life. - -Take, for instance, a scene which I witnessed on Saturday night late, -outside the East Dulwich Hotel, at the corner of Goose Green. It had -been raining for a long time, and the streets were in an exceedingly -bad state. Just there, however, some attempt had been made earlier in -the day to sweep them, and in consequence the kennel on both sides was -full of liquid mud, had become in fact a creek of mud a yard wide and -several inches deep. I was taking some pictures home during a slight -break in the weather, and rounding this corner I saw two men, both of -whom were drunk, amicably endeavouring to take one another home. They -staggered about a good deal, getting nearer and nearer the kerb, until -one of them slipped down, and the other, endeavouring to raise him, -rolled over on the top of him. Locked in a close embrace, and making no -sound, they rolled into the kennel; while I, the solitary spectator, -helpless by reason of my burden, became doubly so because of a perfect -agony of laughter. Like hippopotami they wallowed in the viscid stream, -and at last emerged on the farther side, as Mrs Gamp would say, a marks -of mud, but still horizontal. They rolled right across the road, which -was fairly wide, and into the creek of mud on the other side where, -with their heads on the kerb, they rested from their arduous journey -apparently full of peace. A policeman and a little knot of spectators -had by this time arrived, and much discussion, punctuated with shouts -of laughter, went on as to what should be done with and for them. What -was done eventually I do not know, for I had to fulfil my errand, -aching all over with my paroxysms of laughter. Yet as the boys say when -they are the victims, "I don't see anything to laugh at." - -This digression is of malice aforethought, because I cannot help -feeling that readers will say "I wish Bullen wouldn't so persistently -sue for our sympathy. Surely he must have had some good times." And -that is the worst of the simple annals of the poor; they are deeply -interesting of course to the protagonists, but are apt to become -wearisome in the recital, because, as the Irishman said of his wife, -they are all worse and no better. However I went on, doggedly, -hopelessly, not because I was a brave man struggling with adversity, -but because as far as my limited intelligence went I couldn't do -anything else. Several people, one of whom most generously helped me -over a tremendously difficult stile, suggested bankruptcy as being the -obvious way out of all my troubles, but that I felt was impossible. -True, I _was_ a bankrupt _de facto_ but not _de jure_, and I believed -that if I did become a bankrupt in law, I should lose my last hope of -earning a living, my job at the office. So I ruled that suggestion out -as impracticable, for supposing I did lose my job, it was no figure -of speech to call it my last hope. I was rapidly nearing forty, my -own profession was irrevocably closed to me even if the state of my -health would have allowed me to take it up again, and as for my other -employment, with thousands of abler, younger men clamouring for it, -what possible prospect had I? and I had a wife and five young children! -I will not say that I was absolutely friendless, but the two or three -faithful friends I had were powerless to help me except in a desperate -emergency, and at a great personal sacrifice then. As a dear friend -said to me the other day, while we were discussing the condition -of a mutual friend who had become the victim of a most serious -misfortune absolutely without fault of his own: "There is nothing more -heart-breaking than to have a friend who is what the Spaniards call -_gastados_, used up, no more good in this pushing world. You can't keep -him, you can't ask anybody else to keep him, and in spite of yourself, -with the best will in the world, you get tired of his incessant appeals -for help, however piteous and sincere." - -Is that not so? and all the more sad when it is the result of -misfortune and not of indolence or vice. However I did not allow myself -to think, for fear I should lose my power of sleep, which I knew would -be fatal. I dared not open my letters, the postman's knock sent a -clutching pang through the pit of my stomach, and if it had not been -for my Sundays, with their entire switch off from the terrors of every -day life, I feel sure I should have gone mad. It was at this juncture -that I began to write. Leaning over the counter in the empty shop I -covered page after page with neat clerkly script, an exercise I always -loved, narrating my early experiences at sea. It was a delightful -relief, and as such I enjoyed it, but if I ever had any wild dreams -about publishing what I was writing they did not last, for when I had -written about forty thousand words I put the MS. away and forgot all -about it. Finally I threw it in the dustbin, which was a pity, for I -daresay it was quite as good as anything I have ever done in the same -way since. - -Meanwhile matters plodded towards that destined end which I felt was -inevitable, but would not realise. I got into more difficulties with -my landlord. The state of the house was simply disgraceful, and he -would do nothing. Then all of us got sore throats, and the doctor said -bluntly, "It's of no use my attending you unless you have these drains -seen to; they are a grave danger to anybody's health who comes into -your shop!" Thus admonished I again approached my landlord, who sent -a man to put two dabs of mortar upon the soil-pipe at the back of the -house. Then in despair I wrote to the vestry, and very promptly their -surveyor appeared. He condemned not merely my drains, but those of -the whole row of houses in which my house stood. And then there was a -pretty fine how d'ye do, I can tell you. My premises were all ripped -up at the back to get at the drains, which of course were under the -foundations, and when everything was in a state of chaos the operations -mysteriously ceased. Rats invaded the house and devoured our small -stock of provisions, until I took to hanging them up as we used to do -on board ship. I wrote piteous letters to the vestry, imploring them -for mercy's sake to finish the job, but they took no notice and kept on -doing so. - -Then I made a bold stroke. I wrote to the Local Government Board, -placing the whole facts before them. Talk about red tape and -bureaucracy! Never have I dreamed of such celerity. Within forty-eight -hours the work was completed, and I received from Whitehall a copy -of an indignant letter from the vestry denouncing my complaint, as -the work in question was done. I never before realised how efficient -a public department might be in the proper hands. Those drains of -mine had been open for three weeks, and there had been absolutely no -response to my repeated applications to have the work done, when I took -the step I have detailed. - -This little affair cost my landlord (so he said) £25, a large sum for a -man in his position, and this did not improve our relations, as might -be supposed. But I hardly thought he would go to the length he did. -It is customary for such tenants as I was to take a few days' grace -for payment of the quarter's rent, which varies from one week to six -according to the disposition of the landlord, and the circumstances -of the tenant. Naturally I took as long as I could, and as long as I -paid within a month was usually considered a good payer. With this -landlord, however, I had to be very careful, especially after his last -feat. Still I was not prepared to find, as I did on coming home on the -evening of quarter day, three bailiffs in my humble abode. One was an -emissary of the landlord's, whose rent was only due at twelve that day; -one was for the inhabited house-duty, a trifling matter of a pound, -including landlord's property tax; and one was from some other creditor -whose claim I had overlooked. The total amount with costs of all their -claims amounted to a little less than £20. - -I confess that unable as I generally was to extract any fun out of my -troubles, this time was an exception. As I was introduced to each of my -uninvited guests in turn, and heard their claims, I was suddenly seized -with the humour of the situation, and laughed until I was fain to hold -on to the counter, or I should have fallen down. My wife stood at the -door of the shop parlour looking most anxiously at me, for she thought, -as she afterwards told me, that my brain had given way at last, while -the three bums looked at me, and at one another in an undecided -irresolute fashion, which only made me laugh all the more. However, I -gradually recovered, and then said, "Well, gentlemen, I am sorry for -you if you have decided to remain here, for I can neither feed you nor -give you a shake-down. So you'll have but a poor time of it. I can't -possibly get any money until to-morrow, and I am doubtful if I can get -much then. However, that's not the point. Do the best you can. I've got -some work to get on with," and I mounted to my workshop and started. - -Before many minutes two of them decided to go home for the night, -having delegated their authority to the third, who as soon as their -backs were turned came up to me and said, that if I could give him a -couple of shillings he would go too, he didn't want to put me to any -trouble. I told him candidly I should have been glad to comply with his -request, but as all the money I had was sixpence, I must forego the -pleasure. He sighed, and then after exacting a promise that I would -let him in next morning, departed also, leaving me free to get on with -my work. He had not been gone many minutes when I heard my chum Bob's -musical whistle below, and immediately he came bounding up, having -heard the news across at the library of my having a house full of bums. -He could only sympathise, but rejoiced to find me in such good spirits, -was surprised also, but not more so than myself. He left a couple of -shillings, with the desire that I would make one of my famous curries -against the time he closed the library, when we would have supper -together. - -I readily agreed and hurried up with my job in order to get at my -cookery, for indeed these little chance meals which I was in the habit -of preparing, when there were funds, were exceedingly pleasant to me, -to my family, and to Bob, who was a frequent sharer of them. I am -afraid they bore a strong family likeness to the celebrated symposia -indulged in by Mr Micawber and his family with David Copperfield as -only guest, but I can honestly say that I never pawned or sold any -household goods to procure them, as the immortal Micawber did. At any -rate on this particular occasion I know that, thanks to Bob's two -shillings, we had a gorgeous supper of curried skirt and kidney, with -potatoes and rice; the scent of which, as Bob said when coming in at -10.30, was enough to make a dead man sit up and ask for some. - -His genial company and the good meal sufficed to keep the black shadow -away long enough for me to get to sleep, but as soon as I awakened in -the morning it was beside me with all its terrors. In my emergency I -bethought me of a certain money-lender who, upon a previous application -to him, had informed me that he would willingly lend me £20 if I found -a good surety, and would take repayment at the rate of £2 per month for -twelve months. I did not accept then, because I could not bring myself -to ask anyone whom I knew to do anything I would not do myself, viz., -become surety for another. But now I was desperate, and I remembered an -acquaintance who, though his salary was good, was for some reason or -another chronically hard up. He, I felt sure, would be my surety if I -could spare him a little of the loan. Utterly immoral, even dishonest -and without excuse, of course, and I am going to offer none--I only set -down the facts. - -Upon broaching the matter to him, I found him not only willing but -eager, for he himself was in urgent need of £3, and I could spare him -that out of £25, the amount I proposed borrowing. So at lunch-time -we sallied forth, finding our, what shall I call him, banker? in, -and ready to oblige. Indeed it was fatally easy, and I was absurdly -grateful, quite forgetting for the time the other gentleman in the -Adelphi to whom I had to pay £1 every month as interest on a loan of -£10. I handed over the £3 to my friend in need, and at five o'clock -hurried home to find my three visitors ranged along the counter in the -shop. In a lordly manner I paid them off, took their receipts, and we -parted on the best of terms. - -My amiability to the agent, however, did not extend to my landlord. I -felt his behaviour to me very, very villainous, especially remembering -the wretched state of the premises for which I paid him rent under -his solemn agreement to keep them in habitable repair. The rain came -through the roof so copiously, that I had to keep tubs up in the top -rooms to prevent the whole house from becoming swamped. The ceilings -were falling down, and the huge cistern supported upon brick piers in -the kitchen was leaking to such an extent that it threatened daily to -collapse and flood us out. So I resolved, as this was the last quarter -of my three years' agreement, to remove before quarter day, and to -refuse to pay him any rent, as a set off against the condition of the -premises he had compelled me to live in so long. - -A shop nearly opposite had become vacant by reason of fire which -had gutted the whole house, but it had been restored to its original -condition, or something resembling it, and I took it. I did not blazon -my intention abroad, believing that my few regular customers would -easily find me, but I passed the word around among my acquaintances, -and I make no doubt at all that my present landlord knew of my -intentions perfectly. But he was powerless to prevent me going. Indeed, -I believe that the privilege of leaving the house you hold before -quarter day without fear of distraint for rent is about the only one -possessed by the poor tenant, who is otherwise entirely at the mercy -of his landlord. However, my landlord made no sign, while as the time -approached I made all preparations for flitting. At night, after -closing time, my chum Bob, to whom all violent exercises were a joy, -used to come over and assist me in the transference of my goods from -one house to the other, until we were fairly well fixed in the new -abode, with the exception of our absolute necessaries, such as bedding, -cooking utensils, etc. - -On the last night, that is the 20th of the month, we worked like -beavers, getting bedsteads across and put up so that the family might -move in and be comfortable. Fortunately it was fine, for we had left -the heaviest things, the piano and two counters, until the last. We -got the two counters over without much difficulty, and then at nearly -1 a.m. we tackled the piano. We wheeled it out and along the pavement -until it was opposite the new home, then lifting it into the roadway -we tried to wheel it across, on its own castors of course. But it was -heavy going, and in the middle of the road we stopped for breath and to -wipe our brows. Suddenly a light beamed across us, and a gruff voice -said, "Now then, what's this ere little game?" We both looked up, and -there stood a huge policeman, who had come up all silently in his -rubber-soled boots, and was shedding the light of his bull's eye on -the scene. For some idiotic reason or another, I burst into yells of -laughter, Bob joined in, and the policeman followed suit. Just three -idiots I suppose. But it was a quaint scene at one in the morning, in -the middle of Lordship Lane. - -As soon as we could speak, we explained the situation to him; and -he, bless him for a good fellow, saw it in the right light, pulled -off his heavy coat, and lent a hearty hand, so that the piano was -installed in the new premises in a very short time. Fortunately we -had a little liquid refreshment to offer him, which he accepted in a -becoming spirit, and then said, "Well, boys, I must get around before -my sergeant turns up--he won't understand who I am with my coat off." -And so with hearty good wishes all round we parted. - -I had a busy week following, for of necessity I had to do everything -that needed doing to the shop with my own hands, save what Bob did in -the precious hours of his leisure after ten, which he so willingly -devoted to my service. And I managed to spend a sovereign for the -fascia, which was done by a man who was so drunk that he could not -stand on the solid earth, but balanced himself upon a precarious plank -stretched between two high trestles in front of the shop, and splashed -in the letters in magnificent style. I did not watch him, for I fully -expected to see him dashed to death upon the pavement at any moment; -but when on his coming for his money I went out and surveyed his -handiwork, I paid him without a word, for indeed there was absolutely -no fault to find. - -But I had hardly settled in this new shop than my troubles with regard -to the building commenced, and threatened to surpass my experiences -across the road. Hardly a piece of furniture could be moved upstairs -without bringing some of the ceilings down, and such easily scamped -places as pantries and cupboards were de-ceiled _en bloc_. The first -really serious matter, however, which showed me that I had in no way -bettered my position arose through the frost. I cannot fix the year -properly, but it was when the frost set in some time at the end of -January, and lasted until nearly June. I saw with a certain complacency -my neighbours carrying water into their homes from standpipes in the -streets, while my supply was intact and working well. And then with -dramatic suddenness the supply-pipe from the main which ran underneath -the pavement into my house burst asunder, and the water welled up -through the flagstones, making a glare of ice all over the footway, -which was a great danger to the passers-by. - -I was immediately summoned by the Water Company on the one hand, and -by the vestry on the other, to make this breakage good. With cheerful -confidence I turned these demands over to my landlord, never doubting -in the first place that it was his duty to repair this damage, and in -the next that he would instantly perform that duty. It was a heavy blow -to me when I received a curt note from him to the effect that it was -no business of his, and that I could do what I chose in the matter. As -if I had any choice. And so I had to call in labourers and plumbers -to the tune of nearly £3, which outlay moreover did not result in my -water-supply being resumed. But the shock I then received was a lasting -one, for I realised that these new premises of mine bade fair to -become worse than the old ones. They had been renovated after the fire -by contract in the flimsiest and most casual way, and scarcely a day -passed but some new defect discovered itself, until I really was afraid -that the building would collapse about my ears. - -Meanwhile my old landlord lost no time in putting the law's machinery -in motion against me. He summoned me for two quarters' rent, one being -in lieu of notice and a trifle of £10 for dilapidations caused to -his premises by my neglect. Strong in my belief that I was legally -justified in leaving uninhabitable premises as I did, I determined to -fight, and in due time I appeared before Judge Emden at the Cottage -_Ornée_. Of course I conducted my own case, and equally of course my -creditor employed a solicitor. But I lost nothing by that, for I found -his honour most kind and impartial. Only when I exhibited my defence -explaining the condition of the premises, and asking the Judge whether -I was compelled to remain in a house which was in so parlous a state, -he replied in words which I can never forget: "You are not compelled -to remain in such a house, you may leave before the expiration of your -term, but you must pay the rent--that is the law." - -Then, of course, I could only express my sorrow at having built upon so -insecure a foundation, and explaining my circumstances asked for time -to pay. The judge asked me what offer I could make, and I immediately -said that it was impossible for me to promise more than a pound a -month, which indeed it was, for at this time nearly all my office pay -was eaten up by these monthly payments, and my means of living were -intensely precarious. But the solicitor to the landlord in a white -heat of indignation put on for the purpose, pictured me as rolling in -wealth, enjoying a bloated official salary, and having a fine business -in addition, so that it was the barest justice that I should be ordered -to pay forthwith. - -To my great joy the judge replied with sternness that he believed I -had made an exceedingly fair and honest offer under the circumstances, -and that if my offer were not accepted immediately he should exercise -his own discretion as to what terms he should consider reasonable, and -it was quite possible that he would make no order at all. This was -sufficient for my opponent, one pound a month was accepted, and, as -they say in the House of Lords, the matter then dropped. - - - - -CHAPTER XIII - -COLLAPSE - - -It must not be supposed that in other directions my affairs had got -any smoother as time went on; nor that, although I worked as hard as -flesh and blood would permit, that I succeeded in overtaking any of my -liabilities. Moreover, I began to receive unmistakable warnings that -my physical capacity was becoming unequal to the constant strain I put -upon it, although I only knew that my morning cough was more exhausting -than it had been, and that I always awoke in the morning feeling -dreadfully tired, much more so indeed than when I went to bed. And -always I found myself unable to keep up those terribly punctual monthly -payments, and trying to discriminate between people who would be put -off and people who wouldn't. - -The first immediately unpleasant result of this discrimination or -attempted preference was in connection with my latter loan. Now please -understand that I am bringing no indictment against the money-lender, -or mean anything opprobrious in speaking of him in that way. If he -had lent me thousands instead of single pounds, he would have been a -banker, and if I had wanted his money for speculation instead of to -pay my rent and get my family food, I should have been a financier to -be esteemed instead of being a borrower to be despised. I am only, -however, concerned with the plain facts now, and they are that I sent -a polite letter of apology to the money-lender, telling him that--oh -well, you can imagine the kind of things a defaulting debtor would -say--but the whole comprising just an ordinary letter of excuse for -non-payment. - -To this effusion I received no reply whatever, but two days afterwards -my surety came rushing to me in a state of great agitation, flourishing -a telegram which he had just received from his wife, to the effect that -a man had been put in possession of their furniture in default of my -payment of an instalment of the loan. Desperately he demanded of me -what I meant by such behaviour, and tearfully assured me that such an -experience had never been his before, in which I have reason to believe -he was not within the parallel lines of fact. I was as stunned as he, -and promised every reparation in my power, while I knew that nothing -short of that instalment would avail. So I immediately obtained leave -of absence, and went a-borrowing, a frequent exercise alas, but one -which I never practised without a sense of poignant shame, preventing -me from degenerating into the common species of "earbiter," as he is -vulgarly called, of the Montague Tigg type. - -Miraculously, as I think, I succeeded in borrowing the £3 required, -on my faithful promise to repay at the end of the month, from a man -who was as poor as I, but more methodical, and had put it away towards -his rent. Let me say before I go any further, that I did not abuse his -trust, nor did I ever do so to anybody except in the single case of my -surety, which I was now engaged in repairing. I hope I do not put this -forward in a spirit of offensive or aggressive virtue, but I do want to -disavow any association with that rotten type of man who will promise -anything to get your money, will, having got it, squander it, and then -ridicule you for being such a fool as to lend to him, of all people -in the world. This type I am glad to say is usually of the "sporting" -breed of "boys," and has no relation to decent beings. - -With my delayed instalment and my friend's freedom in my hand, I hied -me unto the ancient capitalist at Victoria. I made no complaint, for -indeed I had no ground. He made no apology, but received my money (I -beg pardon, his money) with dignity, saying that he was glad the matter -was so speedily arranged, because the aggressive process involved a lot -of trouble which he hated. But business was business, and a bargain was -a bargain, as he hoped I knew well, and--he hoped the weather would -continue fine, being indeed very seasonable for the time of the year. -And so we parted, I certainly feeling truly ashamed at having put this -good old man to so much unnecessary trouble, my friend to indignity, -and myself to so many superfluous blushes. - -And as if to compensate me in some measure for what was in truth a -heavy day, I found on my arrival home quite a nice order awaiting me. -A gentleman of that fine class, the commercial traveller, who had -often patronised me before, came in and ordered four pounds worth of -pictures, paying as was his wont the money for them upon giving the -order, and telling me that I could deliver them any time within the -month. By great good fortune I had everything necessary to carry out -the order in stock, and as soon as he was gone, I set to work with a -glad heart. For I was like a cork, easily depressed, but popping up -again serenely as soon as the pressure was removed. However, I could -not be allowed even that small interregnum of peace, for at about ten -a man came in with some inquiry about my charges for framing. I paid -as much attention as I always did to his questions, but unfortunately -had to leave him in the shop for a few minutes, while I went into my -workshop. When I returned he was gone, and so was my glass-cutting -diamond, which was lying upon the baize-covered table on which I cut my -glass. - -It was a heavy loss to me, for I had got used to its _cut_, and -although its price was only 12s. 6d. I never had another that I could -use properly, not being at all expert anyhow. I will not deny that this -made me feel very unhappy, for when there was so much lying around -stealable that would never be missed, I did feel it hard that a fellow -should come in and steal my principal tool, for which at the outside he -would only be able to realise about three and sixpence in pawn. Still I -suppose I ought to be thankful that this was the sole theft I suffered -from in all my business career, only somehow the present loss was so -great that I was very grieved over it, and moreover I had to send to -a local glass-cutter, with whom I was not on any the best terms on -account of being a trade rival, for some squares of glass in order to -complete my contract in time. - -About this month I managed to get a little extra money in a way that -seems fantastic, but which came to me as a very welcome addition to -my spasmodic earnings. A young gentleman who had been an occasional -customer came to me one evening, when I was trying to hammer out an -article or story on the counter for want of something more immediately -profitable to do, and asked me if I had any objection to model for him. -I did not recognise the verb in its present application, and begged -him to explain. It then appeared that he was an artist who earned most -of his living by illustrating magazines, articles, and stories, and -being extremely conscientious, he needed the living model so that his -pictures should be vraisembleable as possible. But the professional -model was not to be found in East Dulwich, and so in his extremity he -thought of me as a man probably eager to earn an honest shilling in -whatsoever strange ways. - -After a few enquiries I closed with his offer of one and sixpence per -hour (always very generously interpreted), and promised to come up to -his house as soon as I had closed the shop, or say about 10.30 P.M. I -went, and laid the foundation of a friendship that still endures, the -artist in question having illustrated several of my books and done so, -in my poor opinion, better than any other living artist could have -done. But I am getting on too fast. - -It must be remembered that as yet I had no experience of "modelling," -knew absolutely nothing of what it meant to stand for half an hour -in one position, and in parenthesis I may say that I never learned -well. But I did my best, and my employer was pleased to say that my -intelligent appreciation of what he wanted was much more useful to him -than would have been the trained immobility of any professional model. -But oh! how I suffered. I thought I knew what hard work, what endurance -was. I got a severe shock. In justice to myself I must ask my readers -to remember that I had been up since 6 A.M., and it was now nearly -midnight, and that even if I had not been using my thews and sinews all -that time I had been up and about. Anyhow I know that after striking an -attitude which satisfied my employer and maintaining it for say seven -or eight minutes, I felt as if I was in some infernal torture chamber, -and though very anxious to _earn_ my money and to win approval I had to -give in. - -But my employer was kindness itself, and though naturally intensely -anxious to carry out his ideas, he never took the slightest advantage -of my position, or insisted upon any pound of flesh. So far from that, -and I cannot tell what it meant to me then, as soon as my time was up I -was invited to a good supper, which his charming wife had prepared, and -at which I was made to feel a welcome guest, with no thought of that -hardly earned eighteen pence in the background. How much this kindly -intercourse helped me I have no means of knowing, but the impression it -made upon me at the time is no keener than the sense I have now of how -kind it was; and I have been an honoured guest in that friend's house -for the last ten years. - -This seems, in these desultory confessions, a right and fitting place -to set forth the fact that in many of my customers I found friends. -By which I mean people who think about you, who would take trouble -for you, or would make sacrifices to help you, who grieve over your -misfortunes and rejoice when you are doing well. And how precious they -are. I have always been a great stickler for the proper definitions of -words such as Freedom, Love, Friendship, Truth; and I do wish people -would not lightly talk of _friends_ when they only mean some casual -acquaintance who knows little of them and cares less. I can frankly -assert that the only pleasant recollections I have of my shop-keeping -days, connected with business that is, are associated with the many -kindly folks whom I served. Of course my particular business lent -itself to closer relations with customers than ordinary shop-keeping, -since I had to discuss their desires with them, and give them the -benefit of my experience. The one drawback attached to this was that I -often spent three or four times as long discussing a trifling order as -it was worth; but that was counterbalanced by my sometimes getting a -big order with a very small amount of talk. - -It did occasionally happen that I, as the Yankees happily and -metaphorically put it, struck a snag even in this, and one glaring -instance lingers luridly in my memory. A neighbouring tradesman, with -whom I was on most friendly terms, very kindly gave me an introduction -to a well-to-do customer of his at Tulse Hill. My friend was a builder -and decorator, and had done a great deal of work for this gentleman, -to their mutual satisfaction. So when, one day, his customer asked him -about getting some old English frames regilded he recommended me, and -did not, in ordinary business fashion, stipulate that he should have -a commission upon the transaction. Cheered by my friend's description -of his customer, I waited upon the latter, and was received in the -most jolly fashion as a guest, and not in any patronising spirit, -refreshments being produced and some pleasant general talk ensuing. I -was then shown the work and asked for an estimate. This I gave after -close calculation, and with due consideration of the fact that my -customer had probably obtained other estimates before asking for mine. - -But to my intense amazement, the gentleman, upon hearing the sum named, -immediately said that he could get the work done in the best style for -just one quarter of the sum I had named! Now there was nothing for -me to do but give him the lie direct had I obeyed my first impulse. -But I stifled it, and mildly said that such a price as he had quoted -meant gilding with German metal, as the quantity of gold leaf required -to cover those frames would cost three times the sum. He, of course, -said that he didn't know anything about that, the price given him by a -gilder in the Minories was for English gold. I then rose to go, saying -that I regretted not being able to go further in the matter. He then -said he did not want to disappoint me, and what was the lowest I could -do the job for? I replied quietly that I had quoted the lowest possible -price for regilding, and one that was less than half what would be -demanded by a big West End firm, but that if he cared to have the -frames renovated and touched up where necessary I could meet him with -an estimate of half the first amount quoted, but explaining fully that -this would be in no sense regilding. After a lot of talk he agreed, and -I undertook the work. - -My kindly gilder, for I could not do the work myself, never having -been able to master the delicacy of touch required in this exceedingly -technical operation, made every effort, as he always did, to help me to -make the best of a bad bargain, cutting his price as I had cut mine. -And he did his touching up so well, that when the work was finished -I felt that my customer would say that it would have been a waste of -money to have had those frames regilded, they looked so well. Now my -part of the work so far consisted in getting the six heavy frames to -my shop from Tulse Hill, having first removed the pictures from them, -and the completion of my task would be to return them, fitting the -pictures in again and hanging them; and my share of the profits were -almost precisely what a carrier would have charged for the job. But in -the meantime, my customer had removed to Clapham Common, and the task -of delivering those frames, which required the most careful handling, -was thereby vastly increased in difficulty. However, I tackled it -successfully by the aid of the gilder, who, wanting his money, agreed -to wait at a neighbouring hostelry until I should return with the spoil. - -My customer's satisfaction at the way in which the work had been done -could not be concealed, and indeed the pictures did look very fine when -in position. Then he asked me nonchalantly if I had brought the bill. I -handed it to him. He glanced at it and said, "Oh! you have made a gross -mistake. You agreed to do the work for £2 pounds, and this bill is for -£5." For a moment I was speechless, and then replied as calmly as I -could, "I have made no mistake, sir; you wanted me to do the work for -£2, and I told you it was impossible. I have to pay my gilder £4. 5s., -and he is now waiting for the money at the Plough." - -"Well," he rejoined casually, "that's nothing to do with me; you'll get -£2 or nothing. You can please yourself." - -Now I am anything but a courageous man, but I felt desperate, and -although he towered over me like a giant with a very threatening air, I -said, quite coolly, "You owe me £5 for work done, and I shall not leave -this house until I get it," at which he laughed merrily and retorted, -"Ah! so that's your little game is it? Very well, stay here until I'm -tired of you, then I'll throw you into the road." So I sat down on the -nearest chair (I was then in a partly furnished drawing room), and -resigned myself to wait. Fortunately, there was a book there, Kipling's -"Light that Failed," and I began to read. - -Now strange as it my seem, so great is the power of detachment -from circumstances over which I have no control that I have always -possessed, that I read that book through with the utmost enjoyment, -only an occasional cross current of compunction traversing my mind -for the weary wait imposed upon my faithful coadjutor. I had finished -the book about a quarter of an hour, which means that I had been in -the house nearly four hours, when the _gentleman_ came in and said, -with assumed surprise, "What, you here still? How much did you say -you wanted?" "£5," I replied quietly. "All right, here you are," he -answered, holding out a £5 note to me. I took it, examined it, said -"thank you," and walked out of the house. - -Tame ending, was it not, to such a dramatic situation, and tamer still -the fact that my only sensation was one of satisfaction that I had got -the money. I joined my gilder, who was, I regret to say, distinctly the -worse for liquor, having had, as he said, no option but to beguile the -long afternoon by taking eight special Scotches for the "good of the -house." However I explained the situation to him, handed him his money, -and made haste home feeling that if ever I had earned fifteen shillings -in my life I had done so on this occasion. In conclusion of this -episode, I regret to have to add that my friend who had recommended -me to this "genial sportsman," as I heard somebody call him, had the -grievous misfortune to lose £50 of hardly earned money due to him from -the same merry gentleman. I cannot trust myself to comment upon this -behaviour which, alas, is all too common among a certain class who -habitually live beyond their means and regard the poor tradesman as -fair game. If they can only borrow from him as well their delight seems -proportionately heightened. - -And now I had a sudden gleam of joy, a bit of pleasure so keen that it -made me forget for the time all my troubles. I had a story accepted, -and it appeared in print. Many of my readers will know what that meant, -but I will not believe that any one could have been more delighted -than I was. Not that I built up any airy structures of hope, of fame -and fortune as an author upon it, but I could not help feeling that -it was wonderful how I, without any of the usual educational aids, -in competition with the mighty army of able writers ever assaulting -harassed editors in London, and under the stress of such stern -life-conditions as mine, should have accomplished such a feat. True it -was only in a boy's paper, _Young England_, true that the pay was only -a guinea, and that I waited six months for it, but the golden glorious -fact remained that I saw myself in print. - -Perhaps it is strange that I did not then neglect the business -which yielded me nothing but debt and disappointment, and throw all -my energies into this new channel. A profound distrust of my own -abilities, and an idea that this was just a bit of curious good luck -may possibly account for my apathy, but whatever it was I know that for -a long time I was content to rest upon my laurels in the literary arena -and to grub along in the shop. The verb I have used just expresses it; -I grubbed and got ever deeper and deeper into the mire, and to the -well-meant advice of my friends as to why on earth I did not give up -the unequal struggle and go bankrupt before it killed me, I could only -render the same answer as before, that bankruptcy spelt workhouse -because I should inevitably lose my job. - -But one spring morning I received a warning too urgent to be neglected -(though I did not heed it then). I was rushing off to the office as -usual after four hours of the hardest work and nothing in me since -the previous midday meal, except sundry cups of tea, when just in the -middle of Green Lane, Dulwich, I felt the world slipping from under me, -and with hardly a struggle I was gone for the time. I often thought -somewhat resentfully afterwards how much better for me it would have -been not to have revived again into a world already over stocked with -mediocrities, how easy and pleasant and satisfactory it would have -been to have had the ever-gnawing question of how to live settled -authoritatively for me. That, however, was not to be, for presently I -came to, awoke as it were from a pleasant sleep, and gazed wonderingly -around. - -There was no one in sight, for it was then a most secluded pathway at -that early hour of the day, and I gradually realised my surroundings. -I had fallen very pleasantly upon a grassy and weed over-grown patch -at the side of the St Olave's playing grounds, so that I was not -bemired or disreputable looking. My first thought was of the office, -to get there as soon as possible, and make what excuse I could for -my late arrival--for I felt that it must be near noon, as I had no -means of knowing the time. So I struggled to my feet, only to find -that nature had her authoritative say in the matter, for I trembled -so that I could not stand erect, and I felt all gone inside. Moreover -there was a curious numbness at my finger ends which seemed to me to -presage paralysis. Therefore I gave up the office idea and crept back -at the easiest pace I could manage to the house of a gentleman in East -Dulwich Grove, nearly next door to James Allen's School, who had often -patronised me but never, although a local physician of great repute, -attended me or any of my family. - -He received me with the utmost kindness and bade me lie down after -giving me some sal volatile, also forbade me speaking a word until -he gave me leave. So I lay on his sofa watching him at work until my -over-burdened heart and overstrung nerves had quieted down. Then he -cross-examined me as to my mode of life, my health generally, and at -the end of my answers, said quietly, "Now, my friend, advice is usually -flung away upon such people as you have declared yourself to be, so I -will not advise you. But I tell you, from my utmost convictions, that -at the rate you are now living, and in the present condition of your -vital powers, your time here on earth is limited to one year, or at the -outside eighteen months. If, however, you ease off, slow down, don't -work like a fiend or race after trains like a madman, you may live the -allotted span." - -I was about to reply when he interposed, saying sadly, "I know you'll -tell me it's a counsel of perfection. It's one of the tragedies of -our profession that we continually have to give counsel which the -patient cannot follow. But we cannot help that. Now, I'll listen to -what you have got to say." And he did. I detailed to him as to a -father confessor, the uttermost particulars of my business, my debts, -and the conditions under which I held my clerkship. He listened most -sympathetically, most kindly, and then threw up his hands with a -gesture as of one compelled to dismiss the case from his mind. - - - - -CHAPTER XIV - -RELIEF AT LAST - - -"Heart failure; mustn't hurry or you'll die; must eat more, whether -you've any appetite, or means to get it or not; must rest and take -things quietly," and so on, and so on. Bitterly I smiled to myself as -I slowly crept home. But so curiously is the average man constituted -that I did not feel as if I was actually under sentence of death. I -rather clung to the belief that Doctor Stericker might be mistaken, and -anyhow that many things might happen in eighteen months. Though really -that was not what kept me going. I have no claim to perseverance, -pertinacity, courage or, least of all, optimism, but like the involved -orator I couldn't see a place to leave off. No opening presented itself -to me to step out of and lay the almost intolerable burden down, -although I know full well that but for those helpless ones dependent -upon me I should certainly have made or found a way long before. - -Here is the only explanation I can give of my persistence in a hopeless -cause, to assign any other would be rank hypocrisy, as it would be -to claim any special virtues of endurance or bravery in the face of -overwhelming odds. And I have often thought that in many of us who -get credit for "sticking to it" when all hope seems dead, there may -be something of what Kipling quotes as the pertinacity of materials: -we hold on because it has become a habit so to do. But even I could -not help seeing that the crash could now not be very long delayed, -especially as I dared no longer dash at my work when it came in with -a rush. I have also to recall very gratefully that my chief at the -office, who took a kindly interest in my struggles, and had advised me -to file my petition in bankruptcy, now hinted to me very clearly that -in the event of my doing so, no notice would be taken by those "up -above." This cheered me immensely, for I knew he would not have told me -this if he had not found good grounds for doing so. And so I went on in -my quieter course awaiting the catastrophe, and absolutely uncertain as -to how or when it would come. - -Just about this time, I was delighted by the acceptance of an article -I had written, by the editor of _Chambers's Journal_, a magazine which -I had known and admired all my life, although I think it was called -_Chambers's Miscellany_, "When that I was a little tiny boy," I had -also imagined that the publication of a story or an article by anybody -in those familiar double-column pages conferred a sort of brevet rank -upon the writer of which no one could rob him; and in addition to all -this the cheque which I received with (to me) amazing promptitude, -was three times as much as I had previously received for an article -of nearly the same length. So that altogether I felt uplifted and -heartened, although the idea of literature as a profession still never -occurred to me, especially as I was rapidly nearing forty, and feeling -very often double that. - -I fully believed that at forty a man's career was irrevocably fixed; -if he had done nothing worthy of note before, he would certainly never -do anything after, and all the stirring adventure of my early days had -been completely overlaid by the dull drab round of my clerkly duties -through so many years, to say nothing of the other jejune, undramatic, -commonplace matters of which I have been writing in these pages. Only, -and this I would like to lay stress upon, there was a glow of strange -delight in my heart, to find that when I took my pen in hand and sat -down to write, all that early life on many seas stood out bold and -clear upon the background of my mind, and I lived its incidents over -and over again. - -Little did any of my infrequent customers think when they came into -the shop and saw me writing as if for dear life, as I leaned over the -counter, that I was lost in the resuscitated life of a quarter of -a century before. And strange to say, at least to me, as soon as I -laid down the pen all the vivid reality vanished, and I was as eager -to get an order for a five-shilling frame, or to sell a couple of -little pictures that I had framed on speculation, as if I had never -done anything else all my life. Occasionally, however, my eagerness -departed, as when one day a lady came in and purchased all the framed -Mildmay texts I had in the place, telling me that she was going to -present them to a church bazaar. Of course I cut the price to the bone, -as we say, for I thought I must not miss so good a chance of getting -rid of stock that had been on hand for a long time; so I charged her -just about half what the things cost me in materials. Her order came to -thirty shillings, and she said when about to pay me, "Of course you'll -give me twenty-five per cent. discount, I always get that for bazaar -goods!" - -Even £1. 2s. 6d. would have been heartily welcome, but I rejoice to -recollect that I told that wicked old harpy exactly what I thought -of her, and her methods, and the system generally. This is not the -place nor the time for a dissertation upon the charity of those who -grind the face of the poor tradesman to supply the goods which they -so ostentatiously present to the local bazaar, but I do not know that -anything has aroused fiercer resentment in my heart than the behaviour -of these liars, hypocrites, and thieves. Strong words, I agree, but -not any stronger than the truth which is, as we know, mighty and will -prevail. - -Nearer and nearer drew the day of my deliverance, though of the manner -in which that liberation was to be effected or of the time when it -would come, I had not the remotest idea. I have omitted to say that -when I took this shop I agreed with the gas company to supply me with -three large incandescent gas lamps on hire. They gave a splendid light, -and were called the Vertmarsche patent, I remember. I was very proud -of them, although they were only mine by courtesy, as I had not paid -more than three quarterly instalments off their heavy cost. But they -certainly did give a tone to the appearance of the shop, and although -they undoubtedly made a heavy increase in my gas bills, I had learned -that economy in light in any shop was fatal to business. - -However I was often congratulated upon the splendour of my lights, for -the system was then new, and I was the only tradesman in the lane who -had them. They were especially admired by the tenant of my old shop -nearly opposite, who had for some time been endeavouring to carry on a -little drapery business there. He used to come over and swap troubles -with me, telling me things which made me realise that I was by no means -the only sufferer in this war of ours. At last, one evening, he became -exceedingly confidential, telling me that his affairs had come to a -crisis, and that he was about to file his petition in bankruptcy. But, -he said, his furniture was of a very good and expensive kind, and he -felt it would be too bad to have it seized and sold for such a trifle -as it would surely fetch at a knockout auction. Would I then let him my -first-floor front room, which I had never occupied, as a store house -for the best of his furniture until the clouds had rolled away? and -if so, what would I charge per week. He could pay three shillings and -sixpence. - -At first I hesitated, for I realised the precariousness of my own -position, but my visitor, mistaking my hesitation for a desire to get -more money out of him, said, "I'd pay you more if I could, but I swear -I have hardly a penny in the world. Do help me if you can; you may be -glad of a similar lift yourself some day." Of course I hastened to -assure him that nothing could well have been farther from my thoughts -than the idea of exploiting his misery. Three shillings and sixpence a -week would pay me well, and indeed was the sum I had been vainly asking -for that room for a long time. - -He thanked me effusively and departed. After closing hours, he managed -to get his effects transferred to my front room, and when I saw the -kind of stuff he had, I could not wonder at his anxiety lest it should -fall into the hands of those harpies, who batten upon the hardships -of people who have their homes broken up. A terrible tragedy indeed, -when the savings of an industrious lifetime invested in furniture are -knocked down for, in many cases, less shillings than they cost pounds -originally, and are then immediately resold to the inner gang for an -enhanced price, to appear in a few days' time in some local furnishing -warehouse at almost as high a price as their original figure. - -The next day, my poor little guest came the expected cropper. His -shop was closed, and he disappeared with his wife and family. I felt -a wistful curiosity to know how he was faring, and yet a curious -diffidence lest I should learn too much for my peace of mind. And -so he passed out of my thoughts, and indeed I even forgot that so -large a portion of his belongings was under my roof. Truly I had -quite sufficient of my own pressing personal affairs to occupy all my -attention to the exclusion of any one else's troubles for the time, -and that probably made me more callous than I should have been. I -know that when some chance acquaintance would come in, and after a -very lengthy preamble, try to borrow a few shillings, I used to wax -eloquent. Yet I suppose I ought to have been quite grateful for the -opportunity of giving utterance to my sorrows without being suspected -of ulterior motives. But I regret to say that I got a very bad idea of -my fellow-men generally about this time. So many of them known to me -looked so jolly, existed so easily, dressed well, smoked good cigars, -and yet when they got me by myself invariably sang a song of misery, of -a hollow mask concealing a broken heart, which the temporary loan of a -pound or two would mend. And when the pound or two was not forthcoming -a shilling or even sixpence would be so welcome. One quality they -certainly had, that of perseverance. Yes, after the most vehement -exposition of the impossibility of ever borrowing anything from me, -of all people in the world, they would reappear shortly on the same -errand, until I shrewdly suspected, and told them as much, that they -were only doing it for practice. - -The climax for which I had been so long and so ignorantly waiting came -in dramatic fashion. Not, of course, as I had expected it to come, -for to tell the plain simple truth I had for a long time thought that -it would arrive by my falling dead in the street, and I exercised my -imagination continually on the possible scenes afterwards. There was -nothing much to wonder at in this for I almost always felt at this time -as if I was, as the Spaniards say, _Gastados_, used up, had nothing -at all left inside. But on this eventful evening I was working away -as usual, "fitting up," in trade terms, at my glass cutting bench, -when, without the slightest warning, the whole ceiling of the shop -fell down, from wall to wall it tore away in one great mass of rotten -plaster, smashing everything in its fall and filling the shop with -dust and ruin. An earthquake could not have been more comprehensive -as regards the internal fittings of the shop. My blessings upon the -loafing scoundrels who slapped that rubbish up against the laths -above, entirely careless of what happened as long as it stuck there -till they got their money. They did me better service than they ever -dreamed of. A big chunk of plaster having hit me on the head I was for -a moment dazed and partly suffocated by the dust as well, but I saw my -broken lamps flaring up towards the network of tindery laths above, and -instinctively I dropped on my hands and knees to grope my way to the -gas meter. I got rather badly cut, but I found the meter and turned off -the gas, just in time to save the house from catching fire. - -I can hear some cynic say, "Silly ass, why didn't he let it catch -fire and burn down, he could have made a bit out of it then." Perhaps -so, but I was not prepared to make a bit, and I had trained myself in -habits of honesty (now don't laugh, for many people do, and I am no -great exception) so that my first and only thought at that juncture -was to prevent the greater calamity of fire. Groping my way back along -the counter, the dust having somewhat subsided I saw my wife, white -and trembling, at the door of the shop parlour. On a sudden impulse -I laughed loudly. In that instant I saw that the long looked for -deliverance had come at last. But she said, "Oh, what's the matter? -Are you all right?" meaning was I sane. I answered cheerily, "No doubt -about that. I'm all right, and for good or evil I've done with this -business. This means a full stop. I can't go on, however much I might -want to." - -Then I became aware that the outside of the shop was crowded with -people who had heard the crash, and with the intense curiosity of a -London crowd had accumulated with the idea of seeing what was "up." -This sight caused my mirth to subside, for like most Englishmen I hate -a crowd, hate to be pried upon, especially at a time like that. We like -to fight our troubles alone, or at most with one or two chosen chums. -On the platform it is different, the more facing you then the better, -but afterwards, half a dozen will make you feel awkward. So I went to -the door, and said appealingly, "What do you want?" There was no reply, -so with a sigh I went on. "The ceiling of my shop has fallen down and -ruined my stock. That's all. There's plenty of trouble, but it's mine, -and you people can only add to it by crowding round here." With this -I seized my "long arm," a pole with a hook to it, and marching out -pulled the shutters down. I daresay a lot of them stood for a long time -staring at the shutters, a practice of London crowds that is in curious -variance to their usual alertness, but I do not know, for I did not -look out again that night. - -Having bolted up as securely as if I feared a raid I came back to the -parlour, where my wife met me, still with that doubting look in her -eyes, and said, "Whatever will you do?" "_Do_," I replied, "I shall -do the only thing that is now possible, I shall go up to Bankruptcy -Buildings in the morning and file my petition." "How do you do that?" -she queried. "I don't know anything about it, but I can learn, and -shall learn I doubt not pretty quick," I answered. "And in any case it -doesn't matter much now, for I am absolutely certain that this is what -I have been unconsciously waiting for so long." As the matter was not -yet quite plain to her I went on to point out the absolutely ruinous -condition of the house with respect to the other ceilings, which did -not, however, make the place uninhabitable. The shop was quite another -matter. For in the first place the bulk of my stock of pictures was -smashed, in the next my three costly lamps would require at least £5 -spent upon them to put them in working order again, while I could -not possibly open the shop again for business in that forlorn and -dilapidated condition. - -Now the landlord had simply scoffed at the idea of doing anything to -the premises in the way of repairs, telling me, with some indignation, -what was indeed true, that the house had just been practically rebuilt, -although taking no notice of my demur that the work had been so badly -done that it had long ago required doing all over again. In addition -to all these things I was very near the end of a second quarter in -which I had paid no rent, and I should have been diffident, to put it -delicately, in any case of approaching the landlord upon the subject of -repairs unless I could do so with £20 in my hand. - -To say that I had no money wherewith to get these repairs done would -be too bold a platitude, for I never had any money that I could call -my own, I never spent a penny upon the imperative needs of my family -or myself, without a sense of guilt, of dishonesty, because I knew -that it rightly belonged to someone else. But perhaps I should not -have accepted the fiat of that collapsed ceiling so readily, had I -not, metaphorically speaking, been in a state of physical decay, and -inviting a _coup de grâce_. At anyrate I was perfectly satisfied in -my own mind that it was a direct interposition of the awful power of -Providence in my little ephemeral affairs, and after a few mouthfuls of -bread and cheese I went to bed with a lighter heart than I had borne -for many a day. - -I arose in the morning at daylight, refreshed by my good rest, which -in itself was most unusual, but to me is a proof how largely fatigue -is induced by worry. My first thought was the ruin below, and as soon -as I had drunk my tea, I faced it. Pushing the shutters up and letting -the light stream in, I surveyed the scene and saw that it was far more -ghastly than I had realised last night. In fact it quite fascinated me, -and I stood staring at it for about ten minutes, softly whistling the -while, until I suddenly came to myself with a jerk, and commenced to -clear up a bit. But it was a painful business because of its obvious -hopelessness. Still something had to be done in order to get in and -out, and besides I had got so used to work that employment, whether -remunerative or not, was an absolute necessity. - -Another thing which made this occupation so painful to me was the -handling of the broken children of my labours, my picture frames. Every -one of them had been a source of pride to me as I finished it, and -stood it up to contemplate it; and to see them all mutilated, spoiled, -and scattered was to me a most depressing sight. Still, by sheer force -of habit, I worked on, and succeeded in getting a sufficient clearance -made for present purposes by the time I had to prepare for the office. -Not that I intended to do any office work that day, for quite different -plans were in my mind. - -I reached the office at the usual time, and, without uncovering my -table, sought my kindly chief and told him that I was at last compelled -to take his often reiterated advice and go to Carey Street (the -Bankruptcy Court). Hurriedly I explained the circumstances to him, -finding that he was entirely in favour of my action. Then I made out -the usual application for a day's leave (to be deducted from my summer -vacation), handed it in, and left. - -With ample time to spare, I strolled up to the huge pile of buildings -at the back of the Law Courts, which I in common with many happier -Londoners had never known the use of until then. Indeed they had not -long been finished and the approach to them, across what some of the -newspapers ironically called at that time Strand Common, was quite -appropriately depressing. It had that effect upon me at anyrate, added -to all that horror of the unknown which is so natural to imaginative -people and withal so unjustifiable in nine cases out of ten. Being full -early I sat down on one of the benches which even then were provided -by some thoughtful souls for the use of weary jetsam from the roaring -tide of the Strand or Fleet Street, and endeavoured to concentrate my -thoughts upon the approaching ordeal. It was a hopeless failure, as any -attempts at meditation have always been with me. My thoughts will only -flow under the stimulus of speech or pen action, in silence and alone -they are uncontrollable, and range fruitlessly over the whole field of -my experience. - -But, behold, to me came sudden and grateful relief in the person of an -old patron of mine who held some snug billet as an official reporter -at the Law Courts facing us. Having an hour to spare, he had come -there to smoke a contemplative pipe and enjoy the unwonted rest from -recording in wiggly hieroglyphics the mass of banalities, lies, and -legalities which it was his business to perpetuate in print. He was an -enthusiast in photography--indeed, it was his only hobby--and at the -very slightest sign that I was attending to what he said, he launched -forth into a flood of talk about lenses and exposures, and focussing -and developing, about all of which I knew rather less than I did of -cuneiform inscriptions. But he was so pleased, and my face expressed so -much interest (which I swear I could not feel), that he babbled on for -the hour he had to spare. - -Then suddenly he said, "But what are you doing here?" I replied -casually as if it was an ordinary occurrence with me, "Oh, I'm waiting -to file my petition in Bankruptcy as soon as it's eleven o'clock." -"Indeed," he answered, "well, you needn't be in a hurry, you won't find -anybody in there that is. Good morning," and he left me. - -True my histrionic qualities are few, but I know that I did try and -impart a pathetic break to my voice when I spoke of my errand, to -infuse it with a pathos which I did not feel, for I had no idea of what -was before me. I know also that he did not take the slightest notice of -my tone, and treated it as one of the commonest of human experiences, -one not deserving of even a passing thought. I know too that this -vulgar indifference of his hurt me more than any words of whatever kind -could have done. By it I knew that I was now enrolled among the ranks -of the great army who live by their wits, who make a business of living -upon other people, who are as much the parasites of society as the -bookmaker or the bucket-shopkeeper, although not nearly so prosperous. -No one would give me any credit, I knew, for the almost superhuman -struggles I had made to pay my way, and to justify my right to live and -maintain my wife and family. I, who had literally starved myself and -worked myself into collapse in order to practice all the week what I -preached on Sundays in the open air, was now to be classed with those -whom I had so often denounced. - -Perhaps it served me right for denouncing anybody. But it is hard when -one feels deeply to refrain from speech. Yet I suppose it would be -safe to say that we never know what we might become if we fell victims -to the _folie des grandeurs_, combined with that far more common -complaint, the accursed thirst for gold, no matter whose. - - - - -CHAPTER XV - -LEGAL EXPERIENCES - - -Standing, as I am now (as far as my story is concerned), on the -threshold of the Bankruptcy Court, I wish to disavow the idea of having -any quarrel with individuals, or, of any personal bias. One of the main -objects I have had before me in writing this book has been to record -simply and without hyperbole my own experiences in connection with -this great national Institution. If, in the course of my remarks, I -say anything which is not strictly warranted by the facts, I declare -that it is not intentional. I only say that which personal observation -and experience leads me to believe is strictly true. Also, be it -noted, I write from the point of the view of the amateur--I have not -had the benefit in one sense of an association with any of those able -financiers who have been bankrupt several times, and then have retired -to enjoy in a peaceful retirement the fruits of their labours. - -I declare that when I pushed open the swing doors of the vast hall I -felt just as a boy does upon entering a school for the first time. So -utterly ignorant, so helpless, so willing to learn. I advanced a few -paces and met a cheery soul in uniform, who said heartily, "Wotyer -lookin' fur, Govnor?" Now, as the Americans say, wouldn't that get you -busy? I looked at him and to him, I make no doubt, like a perfect fool. -He looked at me keenly and enquiringly, until I had to say, "Well, the -fact is--I am unfamiliar with these places, but I have had misfortunes -and I wish to file my petition in Bankruptcy." You will observe from -its frequent repetition how proud I was of having got what I considered -one legal phrase at least pat and complete. He replied with the utmost -nonchalance, "Right O, second door on the left, and ask at the desk. -They'll put you up to it." - -I followed his instructions, feeling that I was getting on, and entered -the room he indicated. There were several men, I dare not say clerks -for they had not any of the characteristics of that much derided tribe, -and I doubt whether even Mr H. G. Wells would have satirised them in -his usual curious fashion concerning clerks, but all were engaged, nay -engrossed with some work, until I came to the last, and he was reading -the _Daily Chronicle_. As I was only one of his employers, I acted as -usual, that is, I humbly waited before him until he had finished the -article he was reading, when he languidly lifted his eyes to me and -said with an air, not exactly of contempt, but of the most utter and -complete detachment, "Well! what is your business?" - -Still with bated breath and lowly demeanour, I replied, "I wish to -file my petition in Bankruptcy." "All right," he answered as he folded -his paper, "that'll be £10--£5 for the stamp and £5 security for -costs." I caught my breath and said, "But I've got no money at all; -I can't pay anybody, that is why I came here." To which he rejoined -casually, "Who's your solicitor?" This, I am afraid, rather disturbed -me, for how I, who had avowed myself penniless, could afford to pay -a solicitor (the very word savoured of affluence to me) I could not -conceive, and I did really regard his question as an insolent one. It -was not, of course. It was perfectly business like and proper from his -point of view, which from mine was as wide as the poles asunder. But -still, realising my position, I told him civilly that I had no money to -employ a solicitor, that so far from having £10, my stock of ready cash -was under five shillings, that if I had £10 I should certainly not be -there, but handing that £10 out to some of those who were entitled to -it. - -Much more I said to the same non-effect, for he listened with an -expression of infinite weariness, and when I had finished he said -abruptly, "How much do you owe?" I answered, about £300. "Very well, -then," he replied, "if you had £10 wouldn't it be much better to come -to us with it and empower us to treat with your creditors than to -fritter that crumb away paying two or three and annoying all the rest? -But, after all, that's not the point; it's none of my duty to stand -here telling you what you ought to do. You get £10 and come here with -it, and I'll give you your papers and set you going. Good morning." - -Thus he ceased and busied himself with a heap of papers, leaving me -standing aghast at the idea that a man who had no money to pay his -debts should have to pay £10 for the privilege of saying so in public, -that any money he might have should not be devoted to paying his debts, -but to making legal excuses why he should not do so. However, this -particular official had obviously had quite sufficient of such a fool -as I was, and it was of no use wasting time there, so I quietly slunk -away in worse plight than ever, to my way of thinking. For I could not -possibly bring my mind to bear upon the inherent dishonesty of the -situation. - -As thus--declaring myself a bankrupt, all my belongings of whatever -kind as well as my future earnings, until my debts were satisfied, -became automatically the property of the official receiver to hold in -trust for my creditors. Therefore to sell it, or any portion of it for -any purpose, was a felony. Yet having no money how was I to raise these -fees? I could not borrow, for if I revealed my position, no sane person -would lend, and I could not possess any security. If anybody gave me -money for the purpose of paying those fees, it would be a fraud upon my -creditors to put the money to that purpose. Whichever way I looked I -could see no way out but by falsehood and fraud, and I was only at the -beginning of my experience. - -In this extremity I went to a man of great experience in business, -but with a high reputation for probity as far as meeting all his -liabilities went. He was also credited with very sharp practice despite -his high moral and religious standing. Consequently, I do not suppose -I could have consulted any one better qualified to give me advice. -He fully agreed with me that nothing was more eminently calculated -to destroy the moral sense than going through the Bankruptcy Court, -of your own initiative--if your creditors made you a bankrupt it was -another matter. In a case like mine it was obvious that a man had to -pay a considerable sum down for the privilege of swearing that he had -no money at all, which money could not legally be his. Yet, since the -law itself created this dishonest state of affairs, I was clearly -absolved from the charge of dishonesty if I raised and paid this money, -providing those from whom I obtained it were not defrauded by being -made the victims of false representations on my part. - -He finished his advice by lending me £2 towards the amount required, -and I went on my sorrowful way homewards. When I reached home I found -a fresh batch of dunning letters and two judgment summonses waiting -for me, but I paid no heed to them, I had more engrossing business to -attend to. I spent a long time explaining the position to my wife and -endeavouring to furbish up some of the stock in the event of my being -driven to raise money on it, and then went on the doleful business of -trying to borrow £8 without any reasonable prospect of being able to -repay it. That was indeed a pilgrimage of pain. But I must not say -that; although the fruit of a long half day's search was only £1, I -met with very much sympathy and many kind cheering words, also much -commendation for having taken the step I had at last. - -I went back to the office in the morning, after a sleepless night, -feeling as unfit for my clerical duties as I could well be, as may be -imagined. My sympathetic chief was of course anxious to know how I had -fared, and listened with the greatest attention to my story. Then he -suggested that I had better take at least a couple of days off, as I -could not possibly do my work under such mental conditions, and leave -no means untried to raise that money, even if I had to sell such of -the stock as I could make saleable at any price it would fetch. And he -wound up by lending me a sovereign, to be repaid when I could. - -So I got through the day somehow, though I am afraid I sorely -exasperated other care-free individuals, who had to work with me and -could not realise the condition of my mind. At last five o'clock came, -and I hurried home. My wife met me midway of the shop with a beaming -face, and held out her hand with eight sovereigns in it. I staggered -back as if I had received a blow, and gasped, "Wh-a-at, where, how -did you get it?" "Pawned the piano," she replied promptly, a statement -which filled me with amazement, for, although I was only too familiar -with the side entrance to establishments flaunting the three golden -balls, she, to the best of my knowledge and belief, had never been in -such a place in her life. I had always taken that unpleasant necessity -upon myself. - -But there was the money, the price of deliverance, and now I must -explain the circumstances. The piano was an exceedingly good one which -I had bought on the hire system long ago at the second-hand price of -£40. I had presented it to her on some anniversary and thenceforward -never thought of it as mine, never regarded it as a possible means -of raising money for my needs. And here it had been the saving of a -very bad situation, for although my experience was still green I dimly -understood that the hour of deliverance was at hand. The side-issue -of the terribly low figure for which that beautiful instrument was -pledged--which if not repaid within a year would mean its loss--did -touch me rather sharply, but I could not stop to think of that, nor -could I be ungrateful enough to suggest to my wife that she might have -done better, remembering her experience. Also I felt that in a year, -who knew, I might happen on something which would enable me to redeem -the piano. - -So I had the price, and secure in that knowledge I went to bed -and slept very soundly, no thought of the proceedings after the -preliminary payment occasioning me the slightest uneasiness. And it -was with a light heart that I rose early in the morning to complete -the clearing up of my wrecked ship, to put, in fact, my house in order -against what I dimly foresaw would be the next step, the visit of the -official assessor whose duty it would be to estimate the whole of my -possessions, with the exceptions of tools and an irreducible minimum of -clothing and bedding, not bedsteads. By eleven o'clock I had made the -poor place look quite respectable and hurried off, leaving, as a last -message, instructions to my wife to dispose of our fowls for what they -would fetch. We had bred them ourselves, and they had been a source of -great pleasure to us and profit to the children, for they responded -liberally in the matter of eggs. There were twenty-five of them -altogether, beautiful birds of no particular breed, and all pets. I may -as well finish off this particular transaction by saying that during -the day they were sold _en bloc_ for eighteen shillings, although any -one of them would have cost three shillings dead had I been a buyer. - -Away I went in high spirits to Carey Street, but before I got there, -I felt the malign influence of the place upon me, and when I entered -those fateful doors, I was subdued enough. No need for me to enquire -the way now, I went straight to the desk of the official whom I had -encountered before. He looked at me with the same air of nonchalant -aloofness, as of a being from another sphere beyond all such hopes -and fears and sorrows as I might have. Producing the money, I said -submissively, "I have brought the fees you told me were necessary." -"Ah, I think I remember something about it," he replied. "Wanted to -file your own petition, didn't you?" Of course I retold my story, or as -much of it as he would listen to, until he interrupted me with, "Who's -your solicitor?" Again I assured him that I had no money wherewith to -employ a solicitor, and, moreover, I had been assured that the business -was so simple that any man of ordinary intelligence could manage it -himself. - -He gave me a pitying glance, and then grunted, "Oh, all right. Take -these forms and fill them up. Anything you don't understand, I'll try -to explain to you." So saying he handed me a most formidable sheaf -of printed documents, wherein I read in the usual involved official -verbiage all sorts of instructions as to my procedure. I had been -fairly well accustomed to official forms, but my heart sank at the -sight of these, for it seemed an utter impossibility that I should ever -make head or tail of them. - -However I attacked them boldly, and when I came to a snag I just left -it and went on to the next. By the end of an hour, I had done something -to all the forms, but it was very little, and I took them back to the -man at the desk with a modest request that he would explain some of the -difficulties to me. As he glanced over the sheets a deep frown gathered -over his brow, and he presently growled. "Look here, why the devil -don't you get a solicitor? You'll never do this yourself, and I can't -be bothered showing you. I've got my work to do." (In my innocence -I had imagined that what I was asking him to do was his work.) I -patiently explained to him my position once more, for though naturally -prone to resent injustice and high-handed officialdom, my spirit was -sadly broken and lent itself to being bullied, up to a certain point. - -So he did some more explaining, but with very bad grace, and with a -manner exactly like that of a coarse-minded usher with a very dull -and frightened small boy. I paid all the attention I could, took the -forms away, and had another hour at them. Then I came to an absolute -deadlock, and though I very much disliked going to him again, I was -compelled to do so. He took the documents from me in grim silence, -glanced at them, and then said with much emphasis, "Oh! this'll never -do. Messenger!" The messenger appearing, my mentor queried of him, "Is -old hard-hat about?" "I think so," replied the messenger. "Well, go and -tell him I want him," and the messenger departed. - -Pending his return I waited, still like the school-boy at the master's -desk, wondering mightily who "old hard-hat" might be, and what he could -have to do with me, or I with him. As he was rather long in coming, -I grew mildly impatient, and ventured to ask who had been sent for. -The man behind the desk replied sharply, "You've got to be identified, -and you can't possibly do that yourself." "Well," I answered, "how in -the name of common sense can a man whom I have never seen or heard of -identify me?" - -"Oh," he grunted, "you've got nothing to do with that. It's just a -legal form, that's all." I might have said some more, but just then the -person we were waiting for arrived. A tall slender figure in brown, -with an auburn wig and no teeth. He had a placid yet decided way with -him, and reminded me, oddly enough, of Charles Lamb, from what I had -read of that gentle soul, and such portraits as I had seen of him. - -Coming direct to my mentor, the new comer said, "You sent for me, I -believe, Mr Blank." "Yes," replied the clerk, "take this man away, -and see if you can get him out of the muddle he is in with those -documents." Mr Hardhat, for so I must call my new acquaintance, turned -to me and murmured, "Will you come over to this table with me?" I went, -but on arriving there, I said, "Look here, before we go any further, -are you a solicitor sent for to help me?" He replied, to the best of -my recollection, that he was, but not in regular business; in short -I gathered, I do not know how, that he had either never passed his -examination, or that he had for some reason not been able to carry on a -regular business, and that he now attended that building regularly in -the hope of picking up such chance jobs as mine promised to be. - -Upon finding this out, I immediately made it plain to him that I was -utterly unable to incur a solicitor's bill, that I had been told by -people in authority that there was nothing in Bankruptcy procedure to -prevent an unhappy debtor from doing his own business; and although I -had not in the least realised what an unpleasant business it was, I was -bound to go through with it. He heard me out with great patience, and -then said mildly, "Yes, I know that theoretically it is possible for a -debtor to do his own business here, but practically it is not possible. -As to paying me for the assistance I can give you, please don't let -that trouble you at all. I am quite willing to do my best for you, and -let the question of payment (it will be a mere trifle in any case) -stand over until you come upon happier times. If you never pay me it -will not ruin me, and I might as well be helping you as doing nothing. -Please let us get to work, and say no more about it." - -I really cannot say how deeply touched I was by this man's gentle -kindness, and the more because of its contrast with my treatment by the -well-paid official, and I made a mental vow that if ever I were able to -repay him, I would be as lavish in doing so as my circumstances would -permit. Then I told him that I could not be so brutally independent -as to throw his kindness back at him, and I would accept his help -with gratitude. He nodded gravely, took the papers from me, drew his -fountain pen from his pocket, and sat down to work. - -Now for anything I know it may be necessary to make the formulæ of -bankruptcy proceedings as difficult, technical, and prolix as possible, -not being an expert I dare not offer an opinion, but I do know that -this expert who had now come to my assistance, although working with -great skill and rapidity, took several hours to prepare the documents -demanded, and then much of what was put down was fiction, had to be, -since I had kept no books, and even though my memory was phenomenally -good, it was far from equal to the demands now made upon it. But at -last the dread business was complete, we took those forms to another -official who merely glanced through them, secured them together with -green cord, and handed us a piece of parchment (I believe) which we had -to write certain matters upon, and then take to another part of the -building to be stamped. - -Up till now I had only paid £5, but now I was to disburse another £5 -for the privilege of becoming a bankrupt, the first £5 having been -as security for costs. So we handed the mystic document we bore to a -man who looked like a superior workman, who took it from us, and held -out his hand for my £5. When I had paid him, he took a stamp from a -drawer, and after pumice-stoning the parchment in a certain place, and -doing something else to the back of the stamp, carried the latter over -to where a glue-pot stood simmering on a gas ring. Here he anointed -the stamp, placed it on the document, put the latter in a press, and -then obliterated the stamp in two or three other ways. I never saw so -much work upon a stamp before. But then, to be sure, it was a stamp -representing £5 sterling. - -This operation was almost the last for the day, which was now wearing -to a close. My good friend, Mr Hardhat, merely took the last document -to another part of the building while I waited for him. When he -returned he told me that my preliminary examination was fixed for the -second day afterwards at eleven in the morning, and that until then -nothing further could be done. But he also assured me that I was now -_ipso facto_ bankrupt, and that I was on no account to pay anybody -anything on account of debt, for that would be a misdemeanour. If any -of my creditors took action, with the exception of the landlord, who -might distrain for his overdue rent, I had only to show them a certain -slip of paper I possessed, and that would, in sea-metaphor, choke their -luffs. - -I thanked him, and made for home, determined to devote the next day -to some good hard work at the bench, framing up such pictures and -texts as I had in stock, so as to use up the remainder of my moulding, -backboard, glass, etc. And then I should perhaps be able to make a -forced sale, and raise some ready money. With these thoughts in my -mind, I turned the corner of Ashbourne Grove into Lordship Lane, -and not looking where I was going, I ran into a man whom I at once -recognised as the lessee of my former shop and my present first floor -front room. We greeted one another heartily, and he said, "Let's see, -I owe you a week's rent, here it is," and he placed three and sixpence -in my hand. He went on, "I shan't want you to store that furniture -for more than a week or two longer, for I am very nearly through my -difficulties, and I am thinking of taking a nice little business in -Dalston." As soon as he had said this, I remarked gravely, "I don't -want to frighten you, but if you'll take my advice you'll shift those -sticks out of where they are now with the least possible delay. I told -you when you put them there that I was in Queer Street, and to-day I -have been adjudicated bankrupt. Now, you know what that means." - -He stared at me wildly for a moment, as if he had seen a ghost, and -then cried, "Merciful heavens, I must hurry up." Off he rushed down the -lane, leaving me laughing to think of my experience of the lame leading -the blind. But I was very glad of his three and six all the same, and -not having eaten all day save for a crust of bread and cheese at noon, -I determined that something hot for supper should be forthcoming. -Procuring the materials for this meal took me some little time, and -when I arrived at the shop, my poor little tenant drew up at the door -with a coal-trolly, which he had hired somewhere on the spur of the -moment. I at once opened the side door for him and it was really a -sight to see how he toiled to get his household goods out, especially -in contrast with the calm deliberateness of the coal-heaver. - -When it was all on the trolly, he gave a great sigh of relief, and came -into the shop mopping his streaming head. "Well, old chap," he gasped, -"that's as narrow a squeak as I want; and I can't blame anybody but -myself, for I ought to have let you know where to find me. However, -it's all right now, and I only hope you'll get through your trouble as -I've done. Good-bye." And he went out of my life. - -I worked very hard the next day for two reasons, first, I did want to -get as much stuff ready for sale as possible, my sense of absolute -honesty having already become considerably blunted by contact with that -temple of fraud in Carey Street; and secondly, because I did not want -to brood over the terrible possibility of my landlord coming in by -deputy and seizing all my poor belongings--for in my simplicity I still -looked upon them as mine, totally oblivious of the fact that, in the -eyes of the law, I now possessed absolutely nothing except necessary -clothing and bedding, tools and cooking utensils. Now and then the -thought would obtrude itself that after all these years of toil and -stress, I had brought, vulgarly speaking, my pigs to a pretty fine -market, but my sense of relief from the misery I had so long endured -outweighed any other consideration, and I was not at all melancholy. - -My day's work was a fruitful one, for I managed to knock up quite a -number of little frames for which, if low in price, I was fairly sure -of a ready sale for that reason. And I also put the last touches on -my tidying up, as well as getting ready such small goods as I knew I -should be allowed to retain. I also secured a place of refuge--a house -to move into--from a local house agent, secured it too without the -slightest concealment from him of all my circumstances. But then he was -a good fellow, and never backward in doing a good turn if he could. -Thus at the end of the day I felt ready for the crisis of to-morrow. -Hitherto there had only been verbiage writing and payment of fees; -to-morrow, Mr Hardhat informed me, would see definite action being -taken. But of that I will write in the next chapter. - - - - -CHAPTER XVI - -THROUGH TO FREEDOM - - -I suppose that there are few things more demoralising to an -assimilative mind than the association with places of a demoralising -tendency. Which I do not intend as a profound remark, but as the fruit -of actual experience. At any rate I know that when I first entered the -Bankruptcy Court, I felt a profound pity for the listless, hopeless, -slouching-looking figures I saw haunting its purlieus. But when I went -up this morning, for my preliminary examination, I felt as listless, -hopeless, and slouching as any of them--I had enlisted in the great -army of the insolvent, and no matter how void of offence my conscience -might be, in that I had not wilfully or in extravagance defrauded any -man, the taint of debt, the virus of unutterable meanness which makes -the Chinese commit suicide, bowed my head, rounded my shoulders, and -robbed me of my self-respect. - -I only had to wait about two hours this morning before my turn came -on. When it did, and I was summoned to stand before an inquisitor, I -received a sudden shock. For, behold, the dread Rhadamanthus to whom -I must unveil my most secret sorrows and troubles was a young man whom -I had often seen coming up Victoria Street with a similar individual, -and had loathed from the depths of my soul. His garb was immaculate as -regards the latest fashion, his collar as high as human endurance would -permit, his trousers creased in exactly the right line, turned up to -exactly the proper height; he slouched at exactly the angle prescribed -by his class (or the class to which he wished to appear to belong), -and, crowning iniquity, he wore a monocle in his left eye. Altogether a -"Johnny" of the Johnniest. And he was my inquisitor! - -He took several huge sheets of paper (printed forms of course), and -began what I saw was a stereotyped set of questions with a bored air -and yet an unpersonal way with him, almost as if he were addressing a -penny-in-the-slot machine, which was rather helpful. I was a long time -before him, and I answered his questions to the best of my ability, but -often I fear with a desire to get the examination over rather than with -any keen attention to accuracy. It was a curious business altogether, -perfunctory in the extreme, and I had then no idea what my answers -would be used for. I learned later. - -When released I sought my faithful friend, who advised me to get home -with all speed, for that an official appraiser would call upon me that -afternoon, and it would be well that I should meet him. So I returned -with haste, reaching home a long time before the individual indicated. -I must say I awaited him with considerable trepidation, for I gathered -that he would be of much the same character as several of the same -class I had sorrowfully made acquaintance with before. - -This is not the least of the sorrows which beset the poor, the manner -in which their goods are distrained upon for a small debt, and -furniture honestly worth twenty times the sum due is taken, and I was -going to say sold--but it is never sold then, it is given away to a -gang of heartless rogues, who make it their business to fatten upon -the robbery of the poor within the law. In my case, however, there was -no fear that they would take more than I owed. My furniture had cost -me well over £100, and the two counters in the shop would easily have -sold second-hand for £10, but I doubt if the whole of my chattels put -together could, even if sold in a shop to the public, have been made to -realise more than £30. It was not good furniture when I bought it, and -though some of it was not now very old, it stood revealed as what it -was, shoddy-built, of unseasoned wood, varnished instead of polished, -upholstered with American cloth or sham velvet, and stuffed with -unclassable rubbish. - -My visitor arrived at about three o'clock, and to my relief he was -quite a respectable and civil man. He quietly announced his errand as -if it was a duty he was sorry to perform, and therefore I hastened to -assure him that I could readily dissociate a man from his employment. -Thus his work went on very smoothly, and was exceedingly soon over. -Then he closed his book and turning to me said, "You haven't got -much." I smiled wanly, and made no reply for obvious reasons. Then he -went on to inform me that although he was an appraiser of the Court -his inventory was only taken for the official purpose of checking the -accounts of the firm to whom they would presently assign the task of -dealing with it. And bade me a courteous good day, leaving me wishing -that the whole degrading business was over. - -Still I must say in strict justice that so far as it had gone, and -remembering the immense number of formalities to be gone through, there -had been scarcely any delay, but that I think was largely due to my -personal interest in the matter and the energy I put into it. And now -I was, all unknowing, come nearly to the end of the miserable business -as far as my comfort and relief was concerned. I had one more quiet -Sunday at the shop, spent in the usual way, and on Monday morning -there arrived a man like a jovial costermonger of the better class out -for a holiday--one of those men who are born comedians, whom to look -at is to laugh, unless one is so sour or so sad that laughter is an -impossibility. My very heart warmed to him, and when I found that he -represented the firm of auctioneers, who were to deal with my chattels, -I felt quite relieved, though I could not then have known any reason -why I should be. - -He was exceedingly abrupt and swift in all his movements, so that -before I had realised that he had been through one room, he was -beckoning me into the shop with a comic forefinger and an air of -mystery. When I came up to him smiling in spite of myself, he said in -a hoarse whisper, "Now, look y'ere, Guvnor, 'ow much yer goin' ter bid -fer this little lot?" and he bent his brows upon me in a funny frown. -I stared at him blankly, and then stammered out, "I--I don't know what -you mean." "Ow, you don't, don't yer. Well, I'll 'splaint yer. If I -sen's one of our vans daown 'ere, and clears your sticks aht, we cawn't -tike the trouble t' sell'em orf bit by bit. 'Taint likely. Theyn't -worf it. Nah, wot we sh'll do is ter sen rahnd t'one of ahr small Jew -'angers on, an' sye, 'Nah then, Moses or Abrams or Jyecob, as the kise -mye be, wot yer givin' t' clear aht this little lot.' An' it's six -ter four that we tikes 'is fust orfer, 'cause it don't matter t' us -a bit on a little job like that, we gets the same commishun. Now, I -mean that ter prevent that there kerlamity 'appenin' t'yer, you mike a -bid for 'em yerself, an' you tike it strite from me that if your bid -is anythin' over rubbish price ahr Guvnor 'll jump at it, syevin the -trouble er tikin' it awye too an' all." - -My brain, working furiously, had absorbed his whole meaning and -exhausted every possible avenue of raising any more money by the time -he had done speaking. And I shook my head, sadly murmuring, "It's -no use. I'm most grateful to you for giving me this opportunity of -saving my poor bits of goods, but I exhausted all my friend's means -raising the money for the Court fees. I don't believe I could raise -another sovereign to save my life." "P'raps not," returned he drily. -"An' yet you might ter syve yer sticks. Nah once more, 'cause I got -ter be movin', got arf dozen jobs on ter dye, you jist dig out like -all possessed ter dye. Say you _will_ 'ave a bit a brass ter sive that -there poor little 'ome from bein' broke up, an' bring it, wotever it -is, up t' th' orfice termorrow mornin' ten o'clock. I sh'll be there, -an' I promise yer thet if it's anywheres near the mark the Guvnor 'll -tike it. G'mornin,' keep yer chivvy up," and he was gone, whistling -like a thrush, bless him. - -While I stood there dazed, who should burst in, as was his custom, -but my chum Bob from next door. I have said little of him lately, but -indeed nothing could exceed the comfort that his cheery presence and -sympathy had been all through this trying time. With money he could not -help me, for he had but a very small salary, every penny of which he -needed for the maintenance of his aged mother and himself; but he did -what was even better at this time, he gave me himself, gave up such -recreations as he had after his long day's confinement to come and -talk over my lugubrious affairs, and try to devise ways of bettering -them. Now he came up to me with a rush, saying, "Hullo, old boy, how's -things? you look as if you'd had a knock." - -Gratefully I turned to him, and in a few minutes he was in possession -of the situation. He considered deeply for a little, and then said -musingly, "I think I see a light. How many pictures have you got ready -for sale? I gave him the number," showed him the best of them, and he -went on: "Will you let me try and sell 'em for you to-night, getting -what I can for 'em?" Of course I gladly acquiesced, as drowning men -catch at straws, and salved my conscience for the dishonesty by the -reflection that the transaction was really far more beneficial to my -creditors, to say nothing of myself, than the clearing of them out by -the Jew spoken of by my late visitor could possibly be. - -"That's all right then," he said; "now you get 'em all ready, an' as -soon as I can get off, I'll trot 'em round." He secured leave from his -duties, and began a circuit of his friends, and after making several -visits to the shop for more pictures he came in at last about ten -o'clock tired but triumphant, and slapped down £5. 19s. on the table. I -felt so glad I had a bit of supper ready for him, as I had nothing to -do but cook, for he was almost ravenous with hunger. With great glee, -he recounted his experiences, how he had implored, cajoled, bullied, -his friends into buying the pictures they had so long seen in my shop -window, taking large discounts for ready money, but he did not tell -me, nor did I discover until long afterwards, that he had borrowed -nearly £2. 10s. of the money, and bought three pictures himself, for my -sake, which he didn't want, and certainly could not afford. But then -that was his idea of being a chum. - -It was only now that I permitted myself to realise how wretched would -have been my lot had it not been for those avenues of escape, illegal -as they were. To have been stripped of every article of furniture, and -turned with my young family into an empty house, with no credit, and -without as far as I could see at present more than sufficient money -than would buy the most necessary articles of food allowed me out of -the wages I was earning, cannot be regarded in any other light than -that of a severe penalty for being a bad business man. Yet such was -the law, and it was only mitigated by evasion or defiance. There can, -I think, be no doubt of the badness of the law which crushes those who -obey it honestly, but permits itself to be rendered nugatory with the -utmost ease and impunity by any who are sufficiently dishonest. Nay, -more, which tacitly invites and fosters dishonesty and falsehood to -such an extent that I am sure no decent man can ever go through the -process of being made a bankrupt without having deep scars left in his -soul. - -But although my present relief was undoubtedly great, and I -consequently felt much happier, I was by no means upon secure ground as -yet. Therefore, I was exceedingly impatient when morning came to be -off to the city with my precious little hoard. I was outside the office -some time before the clock struck, and at the earliest possible moment -I was inside, much to the disgust of the first arrivals, who resented -my punctuality. My vivacious friend of the previous day was there, -cutting jokes with all and sundry except me, whom he seemed to regard -as a piece of furniture which had accidentally got left in the office, -by which I gathered correctly that he did not want to be recognised by -me. - -Presently a clerk came towards me and said with a lowering face, -"Who did you want to see?" I told him, the principal; upon which he -disappeared into an inner office. When he returned, he said, "The -Governor'll see you directly." Presently I was called in, and a very -kindly old gentleman demanded my business. I told him I was a debtor -upon whom his firm had orders to distrain, and that I had come up to -make an offer to buy in my small stock of furniture, so small that it -was hardly worth his while to remove. "Ah," he said, "you are Mr Bullen -of Lordship Lane, I believe," consulting a book at his side. I answered -that I was. - -"Now then," he went on, "what are you prepared to bid for this -furniture of yours?" "Five pounds," I replied as calmly as I could, -though to tell the truth my heart was thumping with the excitement of -the crisis. "Five pounds," he repeated scornfully, "for a houseful of -furniture! the thing's absurd. I never heard the like. Indeed you'll -have to offer a good deal more than that." Very earnestly I answered -him that it was quite impossible that I should do so. I had reached the -limit, and that only by what I felt to be a miracle. Then he called the -man whom I had received my instructions from, and consulted him in a -low voice. The upshot of their conversation was that he turned to me -and said, "My man here thinks your offer isn't out of the way, and so -I'll accept it, but you must pay our fee." Again I assured him of my -impecuniosity, but he cut me short by saying, "All right, you give me -a promissory note to pay a guinea for my fee within a month, and the -bargain's closed. But remember, if you try to chisel me, you'll be very -sorry for it. My clerk will make out the receipt and note. He won't -keep you waiting long." - -So I paid the £5 and signed the promissory note. When I was leaving the -office the principal said as if through an afterthought, "Look here, -we've done with you--as far as we are concerned, your goods are free. -But your landlord can distrain, if you let him, at any time between -sunrise and sunset. So if I was you I'd shift those goods to another -house--then they'll be safe and not before. Good morning." - -It may be easily imagined what effect this advice had upon my already -fretted nerves, and I felt as if I must fly. But when I got outside -my friend was there, and I could do no less than thank him for his -invaluable tip, succeeding at the same time in prevailing upon him -to accept half-a-crown as a tiny recognition of, not payment for, his -great kindness. Then I fled, suffering all the time until I reached -home. I dashed into the shop where my wife was standing talking to Bob. -I paid no attention to either of them, but seized the long arm, rushed -outside, and began to pull the shutters down. "Whatever's the matter -with you?" cried my wife, and they both stared at me as if they thought -I was mad. But I never heeded them until I had the place effectually -closed, and then wiping my brow I turned to them and breathlessly -declared the reason of my haste. - -It is hardly to be wondered at that they both laughed until the tears -ran down. I joined them after a while, but at the same time I had -an overwhelming sense of danger passed. The rest of that day was -devoted to preparations for moving, the new abode as I have before -said having been secured. As soon as the legal limit of entry by -bailiffs had passed, I sallied forth and hired a van, horse, and man, -at one and sixpence an hour (see large bills), and the work of removal -began. Of course Bob was in his element, and we worked liked demons. -By supper-time we were fairly installed in the new premises and as -comfortable as circumstances would permit. Nay, I am ungrateful, far -more comfortable than I had been since I first took upon my unfit -shoulders the burden of a shop. - -The last duty I performed that night was to post to the landlord the -key of the premises with a line stating what it was. I did not add -insult to injury by any expressions of apology, although I felt that an -apology, very full and ample, was indicated. But, doubtless, the sense -of exultation at having emerged from the late turmoil with my "bits of -sticks," as the poor lovingly call their home plenishing, was uppermost -in my mind, and overcame my sense of what was right and due to all, a -tribute I was unable to pay. We had a delicious little supper of stewed -rabbit and pickled pork that night, total cost for six eighteenpence -(because it was Monday, and Ostend rabbits unsold from Saturday were a -little stale), and afterwards a long, long talk over the beginning of -better times. Then we parted happily, and I enjoyed a perfect night's -rest. - -I had left in the shop the broken lamps, a few of the fittings and the -two counters. I claim no credit for leaving those counters; they had -cost me £10, but I could not have sold them on the spur of the moment -for ten shillings, although they were legally mine, if the term can be -used of transactions which all seemed to me extra-legal if not actually -illegal. To tell the truth I detached the shop entirely from my mind; -it was an incubus removed as was Christian's burden in the "Pilgrim's -Progress," and, although never in the habit of making resolutions or -swearing off, I felt that nothing could, would, or should ever induce -me to take upon my shoulders such a burden again. - -I went back to my office with a fairly light heart, except for the -lingering doubts which always assailed me when I had been away a -long time, and found everything proceeding calmly in its accustomed -channels. I did learn afterwards that one kind gentleman, suffering -from insufficiency of occupation, had brought my bankruptcy before the -Secretary, and had been snubbed for his pains. The same philanthropist -I afterwards learned had been to the manager of a firm to which I was -indebted and suggested that they should get an order to garnishee my £2 -a week, but was again repulsed in his benevolent ideas. I may say in -passing that his salary was double mine, that he was a bachelor, and -I was seven, like the Wordsworth child, and after that I think I can -leave the matter. - -How long it was after this sudden passing from storm to calm, before I -was called upon to meet my creditors I do not know, but I do know that -I woke every morning feeling that life had begun anew. The postman's -knock (truly it was rare now) no longer gave me palpitation of the -heart, nor did I fear that upon coming home, I should meet one of my -uninvited guests with designs upon my "bits of sticks." Demands for -money, peremptory, denunciatory, ceased automatically. I moved in a new -world, where debts were not, and £2 a week was a neat little annuity -amply sufficient for all present needs; and I began to feel again -as if life was worth living. Of course I had carried my tools with -me and had set up a bench where I might do an occasional job if the -opportunity offered; and as many of my old customers sought me out, I -still earned a little extra, which I found very useful. - -When I had almost forgotten that such a place as the Bankruptcy Court -existed, much less that I had ever owed any money, I received an -order to attend a first meeting of creditors at the Court. Of course -I attended promptly, but only one of my creditors appeared, and I -learned afterwards that he only came for the purpose of opposing -any hostile resolutions which might be proposed. There were none, -and he said nothing, in fact the whole proceedings were of the most -perfunctory nature and occupied less than a quarter of an hour. I saw -my old friend Mr Hardhat, who congratulated me upon the smooth way -in which my affairs were going. "Now," he said, "there's only the -public examination, and as soon as that is over you can apply for your -discharge." I thanked him, and paid him the very small sum in which he -said I was indebted to him, went away, and in another fortnight forgot -the shameful business again. - -The thought, however, would continually arise in my mind, how very -different my position was now compared to what it had been a few days -ago. Then, while fighting most desperately against overwhelming odds -to pay my way and do my duty, I was being literally harassed to death; -now, having by a substantial payment, not to my creditors but to the -Government, obtained the right to declare my inability to pay anybody, -I was left in perfect peace, and even in my appointed meeting with -creditors no man of all those to whom I owed money came to say a word -against me. I was not at all inclined to question very closely the -means by which I had obtained deliverance from the morass in which I -had so long been floundering, but the reflections would continually -obtrude themselves, and I could only say with a sigh, as so many others -have said in a like case, that it was a topsy-turvy world. - -Then came the day of my public examination, but it had no terrors for -me, for I knew that it could make no difference to me now, and besides -I rather welcomed the opportunity of saying something in public on my -own behalf. But I little thought that I was to have an object lesson in -the absurdity and injustice of our Bankruptcy laws that day which would -dwell in my mind as long as I lived. Yet it was so, and although I have -read of many more flagrant instances since they are only exaggerations -of this case, the principle is the same. - -A man was being examined whose salary and commission had for over -twenty years been more than £1200 a year. His debts were over £5000, -contracted in all sorts of extravagant ways, and his creditors were -very angry indeed. Now his assets were nil--I heard nothing about the -selling up of his home or of his being turned out of the house for -which he was supposed to pay £100 a year rent. In reply to questions he -pleaded that he had a large family, but it turned out that the eldest -was twenty-five and the youngest fourteen. Asked what reason he could -assign for being in this position, he could or would give none but -living beyond his means. Then came the very pertinent question, what -did he propose to do? - -Well, in the first place, said his eminent solicitor, his employers -were willing to retain him in their service providing that he obtained -his discharge, but not otherwise. Supposing that to be the case, his -earnings would be much reduced, say to £800 a year. Now the proposition -made was that whatever he earned over £600 a year should be set aside -to be distributed _pro rata_ among his creditors until they had -received a dividend of five shillings in the pound on their claims. -All this on condition only that he received his discharge then and -there. There was some little talk, purely I judged for the sake of -appearances, and then he was discharged to begin again. Now I do not -say that this was injustice, but if it was just, what was I to call the -treatment I subsequently received? - -I was presently subjected to a searching examination by a very clever -gentleman, who dilated upon my iniquity in continuing to trade after I -knew that I was unable to fulfil my obligations. All the questions put -were from the notes of my preliminary examination, and I felt very -grateful for my excellent memory. - -No creditor appeared to say a word in my disfavour, and the examination -was concluded, nothing apparently having been done for or against me. I -was puzzled, and as soon as I got outside the Court I eagerly enquired -of my faithful Mr Hardhat, who was waiting for me, what I ought to do -now. "Apply for your discharge at once," said he, "for if you delay it, -the period you will be suspended for (and it's sure to be two years), -will only date from the time of application, however long hence that -may be." Of course I was eager to apply at once, but when I learned -that there would be more fees to pay amounting to several pounds, none -of which money would benefit my creditors at all, I indignantly refused -to do anything of the sort, and said that I didn't care if I was never -discharged, I would pay no more fees if I had thousands. And I rejoice -to say that I never did. - - - - -CHAPTER XVII - -THE DAY DAWNS - - -The emphatic declaration I made at the end of the last chapter seems to -demand an explanation forthwith, but the reader, if he has had patience -to follow me so far in my recital of these experiences, must wait for -the proper sequence of events. Being assured that I was absolutely free -from molestation by anybody on account of past debts, and in no danger -of any trouble so long as I did not obtain credit to the extent of £20 -without disclosing the fact that I was an undischarged bankrupt, I went -on my way rejoicing. For whatever doubts I had about my future, of one -thing I was certain, and that was that I would never go into business -again as a tradesman, and as for getting credit for £20 I laughed at -the idea. - -Perhaps I was too elated at the knowledge that I was free from the -hateful incubus which had robbed me of all joy in my life for so long, -but I think I had some excuse, and whether I had or not I allowed -myself to feel happy. Occasionally I felt depressed by the thought -of how near I was to forty years of age, how small were my chances -of starting my children in life, and how tired and worn out I was -feeling, but I was naturally elastic of temperament, and the rebound I -had lately felt was entirely beneficial to me. I worked at the bench -still, but with reluctance, because I had learned by bitter experience, -that work I never so hard, the reward was entirely incommensurate with -the outlay of energy. And so I took less and less interest in picture -framing, and got back again to my beloved books in greater measure than -ever. - -Also I scribbled more and got several articles accepted at long -intervals, the remuneration for which, though pleasant to receive and -always coming in handy to meet some most pressing need, such as clothes -for the children, never raised in me any hopes of a permanent and -substantial addition to my income. For I still regarded, by some twist -of mind, the picture framing as my stand-by, although one article which -I could write in an evening or in the morning before going to work -would yield more when sold than I could earn in a week's overtime by -the really hard work of framing, to say nothing of the labour involved -in fetching the material and carrying home the finished product. Not -that I ever received any extravagant prices for my writing. With one -honourable exception, _Chambers's Journal_, all the organs I wrote for -seemed anxious to get what I wrote for the smallest possible sum, or -nothing if I could be made to forget that they had published my stuff. -To one journal with an august name and a large circulation, having -also an advertisement revenue of many thousands a year, I sent a story -of 5000 words. I received a most courteous letter in reply with a -statement that while they would much like to print the story, which was -an excellent one, they could only offer me ten shillings for it! I took -it, never mind why. - -But taking things all round I was happier than I had been for many -a day. Having been set free from that awful burden of the shop, and -being finished for ever, (I hoped) with the whole body of County Court -officials, bum-bailiffs, etc., I experienced a restful peace to which -I had long been a stranger. I recovered much of my lost vigour, for -although the habit of work still clung to me and I did not waste a -minute if I could help it, I no longer dreaded a knock at the door, -no longer felt symptoms of heart failure at the sight of a postman -coming towards me. Now and then I thought of my fortieth birthday fast -approaching, believing as I did that a man of forty was too old to -strike out any new line, that if he had never done anything worth doing -he never would, and much more of the same tenor. But most happily, -however these pessimistic thoughts harassed me they did not affect -my conduct, not because I determined that they should not, or braced -myself in an heroic resolve to defy fate, age, or anything else that -should tend to hinder my advancement, but for the same reason that -I kept going so long in that hopeless shop, because the necessity -was laid upon me, as the nigger song says, to keep "a-pushin' an' -a-shovin'." Very disagreeable to other people in many cases this -persistence of a fellow for whom _they_ cannot see the slightest -necessity, but then, so much depends upon the point of view. - -My only object in writing the penultimate sentence is to clear myself -of any suspicion of false hypocritical pretence. I have the greatest -horror and detestation of posing as one who, by sheer force of will and -decision of character, has conquered circumstances, lived instead of -died, and although wrecked apparently beyond salvage has reconstructed -something navigable and sailed away from a far more profitable voyage. -For I know that these things depend upon the quality of the fibre of -which a man is wrought and for which he can take no credit. It is -this which often keeps a man at work when, had he been living in more -prosperous conditions, he would have been in bed with grave doctors and -nurses around him, and hourly bulletins as to his temperature, etc., -being issued. I remember during the first influenza epidemic the case -of a carter for one of the great carrying companies in London who, -it being a busy season, had been on duty twenty hours. He drove into -the yard in the small hours of the morning, dropped the reins on his -horse's back, but did not descend from his dickey. As he gave no reply -to repeated hailing by his mates below, one mounted to him and found -him stiff in death. It came out at the inquest that on leaving home -twenty hours before he had told his wife that he felt very bad, one -moment shivering and the next burning, and all his limbs one big ache, -but the fibre of the man insisted upon going on. Fear of losing his -job, of being short in his scanty week's earnings had spurred him, but -the frame gave out under the great strain put upon it by the spirit. - -You may call it heroism if you will, but if it has any of that sublime -quality I am sure it is unconscious, innate, and not to be referred to -any conceived and determined desire to overcome obstacles apparently -insurmountable. Of course it is far more admirable, more worthy of -respect than is the conduct of the weakling who wilts under the first -blast of adversity, who must always be bolstered up and pushed along -the way that he ought to go, and never does anything for himself that -he can get others to do for him--a born loafer, in fact, for whom -there really is no room in a work-a-day world, but who, alas! thrives -bodily upon the labours of others, and is often treated with far more -consideration than those who are steadily labouring on. - -It was about this time that I unconsciously dropped upon a new form of -activity entirely aloof from the tradesman line. I was a worker in a -humble little mission whereof none of the members earned more than £2 a -week, and some only half that sum. I had joined it in my desire to get -away from the cabals and jealousies of the ordinary church or chapel -where two-thirds of the good that might be done is wasted upon most -unchristian friction between members. I had got thoroughly disgusted -with them all as far as my experience had gone, and I felt that my only -hope of remaining associated with a body of Christians was to get as -low down as possible, where nobody could put on side or ape the patron. - -Now it was our custom in our little hall during the winter months to -give, whenever we could raise sufficient funds, a free tea to the poor -neglected children of the neighbourhood, of whom there were a sad -number. It always meant a lot of work collecting the few shillings -necessary, but that work was never grudged by any of us, and we always -felt sufficiently rewarded at the sight of the poor kiddies stuffing -themselves. How cheaply we did it to be sure. Tea never cost us more -than one shilling a pound, condensed milk, threepence halfpenny a pound -tin; good cake, from the philanthropic firm of Peek Frean, we got -for fourpence, and sometimes threepence a pound; and other matters, -including margarine, on a like scale. Oh, it was a feast! and there -was always a hungry crowd of grown-ups outside at the close who were -grateful for the carefully saved fragments. - -Well! it came to pass that at this particular time I speak of the -winter promised to be exceptionally severe, and we could not raise -funds for our free teas. So, in a moment of inspiration, I suggested -that if we could raise sufficient funds to have some lantern slides -made from pictures which I would get, and take the Peckham Public -Hall, I would give a lecture on the South Sea Whaling industry, of -which I had never forgotten a detail. All the brethren entered into the -proposal _con amore_, but I doubt if it would ever have matured but for -a recent convert, a young clerk in a big manufacturing house, who drew -out his savings and financed the affair. - -That difficulty over, we went ahead full speed and pestered everybody -we knew to buy tickets, getting a guinea by the way from Sir John -Blundell Maple, who probably thought it was worth that to shelve -us when we applied to him for his patronage of the show. The great -night arrived, and we had secured a popular local preacher to take -the chair. His organist had promised to play an accompaniment for two -sacred songs which I was to sing, and best of all, four hundred tickets -were sold. Our popular preacher, however, very nearly ruined us, for, -after introducing me in a very graceful speech, he said to my shame -and indignation, "Will brother so-and-so lead us in prayer," naming a -long-winded old donkey who would ramble you on for an indefinite length -of time in a babblement that was anything but prayer, even if such a -prologue was at all indicated on such an occasion. - -I verily believe that I lost a pint of sweat while that old idiot -maundered on. I felt in every nerve the impatience and disgust of the -mixed audience, and at last, in despair, I actually prayed myself that -the Lord would stop his wretched twaddle, for it was nothing else. -Apparently my prayer was answered, almost immediately, for he had a -violent paroxysm of coughing which enabled us to go ahead. Of course -I was not at all nervous, my long training in the open air prevented -that, and equally of course (I suppose) the strangeness of the subject -held the suburban folk enthralled. However that may have been, I know -that presently seeing my last slides appearing and fearing that I was -cutting the matter too short, I asked a friend of mine in front (in a -stage whisper) the time. "Ten o'clock, Tom," he promptly replied, in -a voice audible all over the hall. My, but there was nearly a panic. -Some wise person turned the lights up, and in about two minutes nearly -everybody had gone. - -You see, divers of them came from far, and our Peckham communications -in those days were none of the best. A few faithful local ones -remained till the bitter end however, and my superintendent, who was a -chimney-sweep, said in broken accents from the platform, swabbing his -eyes meanwhile, "I never knoo we 'ad sich a bruvver!" And what more in -the way of commendation and honest praise could the heart of man desire -than that? Only this, that the net profits of the lecture, after all -expenses were paid, were £14 all but a shilling or two, a far greater -sum than we had ever had before to spend upon free teas for poor -children. - -Then, at the instigation of a lantern fiend, I beg the dear chap's -pardon, a lantern enthusiast, who offered his services and his truly -exquisite set of slides free, I gave a series of four lectures on the -life of Christ in the little hall itself. A blind performer on the -organ flutina, who knew nearly all the classic hymns by heart, was -easily secured at the economical figure of half a crown per evening, -and I interspersed my remarks with all the old favourite hymns, that -now are indeed caviare to the general, sung solo. Such an entertainment -as I then gave, which of course would be impossible to me now, would, -I am sure, bring me in twenty guineas a night. For I could sing and I -could talk, the pictures and the music were alike excellent but--. The -total net produce was about fifteen shillings for four nights! There, -it's the first bit of brag I've given utterance to in the course of -these chapters, and this is its fitting anti-climax. - -But if I did not receive much for my services as far as money went, -either for myself or the cause, I did gain invaluable experience in -addressing indoor audiences. I was already thoroughly at home with any -crowd in the open air, but I found that it was a totally different -matter to speak inside a building, even to the method of producing the -voice and sustaining it without obvious effect or real fatigue for a -couple of hours if need arose. And as I had previously discovered in -the open air that straining the voice ranting or raving was not only -indicative of insincerity but precluded intelligibility as well, so, in -a renewed and more definite sense, I found it here, and I am beyond -measure grateful for that experience. For I hate to hear a speaker, on -whatever subject, yell or shout at his audience as if he had a personal -quarrel with every one of them, just as much as I hate mannerisms of -any kind on the platform, regarding them all as a sort of showing off -that is only worthy of a pampered child. - -The upshot of this practice at home, as I might say, was that I began -to get a local reputation as a lecturer, and any struggling church -or chapel in the neighbourhood trying to raise funds would give me a -cordial invitation to come and help them, providing my own lanternist, -etc., for the good of the cause; and for a time I went, unconscious -that I was by way of being a blackleg, but exceedingly conscious that -the _silver_ collections asked for on these occasions were mostly -copper with a goodly sprinkling of farthings. In my natural modesty -(the reader may laugh quietly at this but I can assure him that the -possession of this quality, so beautiful in women, is in excess -entirely detrimental to man, since the world takes us largely at our -own valuation), I felt that these meagre results were a sufficient -gauge of my popularity. - -Still I did remember occasionally, to my comfort, a small experience I -had once, in Portland, Oregon. Three of us common sailors were invited -to a Methodist Episcopal Church to hear a lecture, by a phenomenal -preacher, entitled, "The Life, Death, and Resurrection of an Arab." -We were almost appalled by the magnificence of the place, which, -for luxury of appointment, could give points to any place of public -entertainment I have ever been in. Silk velvet lounges for pews, -upholstered like feather beds, soft Turkey carpets on the floor, -hammered brass enrichments to the carven woodwork--the place reeked of -wealth. At the close of the lecture the preacher went round with his -own top hat for the collection, in his humility not desiring any help -from the church officers. And the result in spot cash, as they would -say, was four dollars and ninety-two cents! of which our party might -have been credited with ten cents. A widow's mite indeed, for it was -all we had. Able seamen ashore in a foreign port, except on liberty -day, rarely have any money, and I am sure I don't know why we had -that solitary dime. But the lesson of the affair was that services, -however valuable in themselves, rendered gratis, or in the hope that -the audience will be generous, are usually taken by the recipients as -not worth recognising. The higher the price the performer can charge -and get, the more he or she is appreciated. It is a fact never to be -forgotten. - -Thus it came about that I did not get puffed up by any roseate visions -of becoming a popular lecturer--how could I when I had seen an audience -of eight hundred yield fourteen shillings and elevenpence three -farthings? But I had a solid asset always in the glow of satisfaction -that I could address a big crowd and interest them, a pleasure which -was hardly clouded even for a moment by such remarks as I heard a -burly man make once in a chapel at Peckham where I was lecturing. In -a hoarse whisper he said to a neighbour, "What's this 'ere all about, -Guvnor?" "Whales," replied his interlocutor. "Ho, is it?" he growled. -"Well, s'rimps is more in my line or winkles. 'Ere, let me get aht!" - -Almost imperceptibly I was dropping my picture framing connection. Much -as I had enjoyed the work, apart from the struggle to add to my income -by it, I had grown to hate it from its associations. That none of the -men who had trusted me with their goods had even so much as appeared -against me when I had figured as a bankrupt under examination only made -me feel grateful to them, it did not lessen my horrors of the means by -which I had been brought to the sad pass I had so lately emerged from. -And so as I did not pursue the business with any energy it gradually -fell away, and I was not in the least sorry, although I had not got to -the point yet of refusing any work that came in my way. - -But I had grown quite unconsciously into the habit of writing, had -become used to seeing what I had written in print even to the point of -wondering not what the world would think of it, but what the editor -would think it worth while to pay me for it. Also I had grown to be -infected by the spirit of adventure, common to most literary men. By -which I mean that, unlike the tradesman, who, with a steady demand for -his goods, which people must have, fixes his profits with due regard to -the practice of his competitors, and does not dream of vicissitudes, -they must always reckon upon a change in the public taste or in the -idiosyncrasies of editors. It is a sportsmanlike feeling, and I must -say that it appealed to me very strongly as a pastime, but I always -regarded the cheques which I received as a gift from on high. When I -got an article or story accepted, I rejoiced and was exceedingly glad, -and then I endeavoured to forget all about it. Because I never knew -what I was going to get, nor when I was going to receive it. Therefore -when it came it was in the nature of a find. Needless to say, I always -wanted it very badly, and always wondered whatever I should have done -without it, but that I think only added to my joy. - -Then came an opportunity which I thought but little of, at that time, -but have since seen the importance of. An article appeared in a -scientific journal of high standing upon a subject which I had made -peculiarly my own, and about which I had the most intimate personal -knowledge. A friend brought this article to my notice, and I, feeling -amazed at its assumptions, wrote to the editor about it. As a result -he requested me to write an article for him on the matter, and I did -so. Now, having regard to the standing of the journal in question, -and the fact that I had been invited to write, I broke my rule of -non-expectancy, and looked for a substantial reward. Alas for my -hopes. The article duly appeared--it was well over four thousand words, -and in three months I received for it thirty-seven and sixpence! I -regard that now as I regarded it then, an outrage. Yet I suppose that -is really how men of science are paid in this country. - -I am happy to say that I have never written for a scientific journal -since, and I put that experience by the side of the other which I -mentioned before as being parallel cases and warnings. Why, many a -provincial newspaper struggling for a bare existence would have paid -a hack writer more. But few people outside the charmed circle know -how shamefully certain journals with an immense advertisement revenue -exploit the poor scribes who fill their columns of reading matter with -the fine fruit of brains and experience. - -There is another curious little matter connected with this, which is -entirely germane, and I think it of considerable interest, which I -should like to mention as a particular instance. At one of our seaport -towns I met with a man in Government employ, whose pay was at the -rate of about £100 a year, but who possessed ability and mathematical -qualifications of a very high order. In the course of conversation with -him one day I learned that he had contributed over sixty articles, -in the space of two years, to at least a dozen different daily and -weekly journals. Some of these articles were 3000 words in length, -and none were under a thousand. Many of them had been printed in -prominent places, and were obviously considered by the editors as of -great importance, as indeed they were. When I had glanced through some -of them I said cheerfully, "I am very glad that you have been able to -add to your scanty income in this way; it should lead to something very -lucrative in time." "Oh," he replied, quite innocently, "I have never -received anything for them. I thought that they weren't worth paying -for." - -I was astounded for a moment, and then asking him for a piece of paper, -I drafted him a form of account to send to each of those journals. He -did so, and in a week's time I was delighted to receive a grateful -letter from him saying that my little bit of advice had resulted in -his getting £60. He added that it would probably save the life of his -dear wife, who had been ordered away by the doctor, advice impossible -for him to follow before owing to lack of means. Well, heaven knows -the remuneration he received was little enough, but it was better -than nothing. What a condition of things when concerns yielding huge -fortunes to their owners will stoop so low as to allow poor men to give -them of their best, and never offer a halfpenny in return until dunned -for it, and then only on so niggardly a scale. - -I cannot close this chapter without saying that this practice is by -no means universal, but it is decidedly general. I have myself been -begged by an editor, yes, literally begged, to write an article for -a pittance so small that I am ashamed to say I accepted it; and found -afterwards that the article in question had been sold to several other -journals for a big profit! - - - - -CHAPTER XVIII - -THE JOY OF SUCCESS - - -Now from the foregoing chapter it will be gathered that all -unconsciously I was drifting into the habit of writing, in a literary -and journalistic sense, for payment. It was a timid and tentative -sort of beginning, and I often felt the rewards totally inadequate, -especially in the matter of newspaper paragraphs, of which I sent out a -good number. But my efforts in this direction suddenly received a most -unexpected and gratifying fillip. Glancing one day in the Free Library -through the columns of the Illustrated London News, I discovered, with -a pleasant feeling at the pit of the stomach, as if I had just imbibed -something warm and stimulating, that Dr Andrew Wilson, that genial -kindly journalist and lecturer, had devoted his weekly column to my -scientific article, allusion to which was made at the close of the last -chapter. - -I need not now record what he said, but it was so kindly and helpful -that I began to feel a strange sensation--that of hope. For I could not -help thinking that if what I wrote was worthy of the attention of so -able a critic and journalist, it ought to be saleable generally. And -so I wrote him a grateful letter, and asked him if he would follow up -his kindness by introducing me to the editors of some of the journals -for which he wrote, imagining in my ignorance that to be writing -regularly for a paper or magazine argued not merely acquaintance with -the editor, but influence over his acceptance of articles. I have since -found that it is a very general misapprehension. As if the fact of a -man being chosen to be editor of a publication did not prove that in -the estimation of his employers at least he was capable of independent -judgment, and might be relied upon to exercise it! - -The jolly doctor answered me very promptly and kindly, but firmly -disabused my mind of the idea that he had any influence with editors. -In fact he told me, what, if I had possessed any knowledge of the -profession at all I might have known, that editors rather resented any -attempt on the part of a contributor to introduce other people. He -advised me, as Kipling did later, to send my stuff in on its unaided -merit, and suggested "Longmans'" and the "Cornhill" as two likely -magazines to appreciate my matter. I wrote and thanked him, went home -and got out a four thousand word article and posted it to the editor -of "Longmans'," enclosing a stamped addressed envelope, for I had -learned that much anyhow. The article was entitled, "Some Incidents of -the Sperm Whale Fishery," and as I now know, would not in the least -appeal to Mr Andrew Lang. I got it returned almost immediately, with -the usual printed slip expressing the editor's regret, etc. Of course, -I felt disheartened, having some indefinite idea that the advice I had -received from Dr Andrew Wilson had more in it than struck the ear. - -There was still left the "Cornhill," though, and being unwilling to -risk the loss of the postage I walked across the park to the office -of that pleasant publication, and laid my contribution upon the ledge -devoted to correspondence. As the sequel has been made public property, -by that kindly gentleman and good friend of mine, Mr J. St Loe -Strachey, who was then Editor of the "Cornhill," I have no hesitation -in reproducing it here. At that time the "Cornhill," like so many -other magazines, was suffering from a plethora of accepted MSS., and -Mr Strachey had accordingly given instructions to his assistant, Mr -Roger Ingpen, not to give him any more MSS. to look at even, since none -could possibly be accepted for a very long time. But Mr Ingpen is an -extremely conscientious and careful man; he is withal of a most kindly -disposition, and so it came about that my poor MS., instead of being -returned unread with a statement of the cause, was carefully looked -through. In the result Mr Ingpen handed it to Mr Strachey with a remark -that here was something so fresh, and in his opinion so good, that he -would not take the responsibility of returning it until his chief had -seen it. Mr Strachey uttered some expression of impatience, but thrust -the MS. into his pocket, and read it on his way home. And, lest I -should become wearisome, it appeared in the earliest possible number of -the magazine. - -It was, all unknown to me, a momentous time. The acceptance of that -MS. changed the whole course of my life. For if it had been returned -from the "Cornhill," for whatever reason might have been assigned, I -had determined to destroy it, as prior to sending it to "Longmans'," -it had been rejected by the Editor of "Answers" (who wrote me a note -about my folly in sending such stuff to a journal of the high character -of "Answers"), and by the editor of "Chambers' Journal." So I felt -justified in assuming that if the "Cornhill" would have none of it -the verdict must be final--it was no good. And yet upon how many -little things its acceptance hung! The fact of Mr Ingpen's care and -appreciation, of my really good and clear handwriting without which -Mr Strachey certainly would not have read it, it being his custom -never to read MSS. if he can possibly avoid doing so. And then there -is that unknown contributor whose story was displaced to make room -for mine--how I hope that he was some renowned person to whom the -non-appearance of his stuff made no difference! - -When the article appeared it in some manner caught the eye, and -appealed to the taste, of Mr W. T. Stead, who had then started the -"Review of Reviews." He gave it a lengthy notice, in the course of -which he stated his opinion that I had struck a new vein of stirring -adventure which should prove a very valuable one. Encouraged by reading -this, I wrote to Mr Stead, telling him that I had partly written a book -upon the lines of my article, and begging his advice as to getting it -published, for I told him I knew nothing about the publishing world, -and had an idea that unless a new writer had _influence_ (whatever I -supposed that to be), he stood no chance of getting anything published -except by paying for it. And I, so far from being able to pay money for -having a book published, was extremely anxious to earn some by the sale -of my writings. - -In his reply, which was prompt and kindly, he recommended me to Messrs -Smith, Elder & Co., the publishers of the "Cornhill," assuring me that -no introduction was necessary, that all publishers were always on the -lookout for new writers, and that if my book was as good as the sample -he thought I need have no doubt of its acceptance. So upon this advice -I wrote to Messrs Smith, Elder & Co., offering to submit the portion of -the book I had already written (some 50,000 words) for their approval. -Naturally they suggested I should finish the book first, and then -they would be delighted to consider it, and give me their decision as -early as possible. Thus encouraged I toiled early and late to finish -the book, and when I had done so I submitted it to Messrs Smith, -Elder, who almost immediately accepted it. But the story has often -been told, and I would rather not repeat myself if possible. I only -tell what I have about it in order to lead up to something else which -belongs to this book, to these confessions, an echo of the dreadful -time through which I had passed. I may say, however, that had I been -a superstitious man, I should certainly have felt that my success in -getting my first book accepted and the, to me, immense sum of £100 paid -me for it, was dearly purchased by a terrible domestic blow. Hitherto, -in spite of much illness and privation in my family, its circle had -remained intact. Now, however, with the first gleam of prosperity that -I had ever known in all my life, came the grim shadow of death. On the -day that I received the letter of acceptance of my book, my youngest -child, a boy of great promise and beautiful disposition, suddenly died. -Mercifully I had a tremendous amount of work on hand that week. I had -quite a large order for picture frames to execute, the last by the way -that I ever did. I had to remove from one house to another, to attend -to the burial business, and to do my office work also. Therefore I had -no time to think until all was well over, and the tragedy had become -only a sad memory. - -This marked a turning point in my career which led to some amazing -results. I had hitherto never seemed able to do anything right, now I -could do nothing wrong. Orders for literary work flowed in upon me, -and when the book was published the critics vied with one another in -the kindliness of their remarks. Everyone seemed bent upon trying to -turn my head. That, however, was impossible, for, in the first place, -I was past forty years of age, and in the next my training in the -school of adversity had been too long and thorough to permit of my -being puffed up now. Of course I began to save money, and as soon as -I did my thoughts turned to those friendly creditors of mine who had -behaved with such wonderful leniency to me in the day of my trouble. -My old German creditor especially I remembered. Now after I had become -bankrupt I still went to his warehouse to buy my materials, and always -stole in and out like a thief ashamed to meet him, but one day did so. -He said, with a queer smile, "So, Meesder Bullen, you vas all right -now, hein! ve dont makes no trouble for you, hein! now you soon bicks -opp agen, hein! but tondt go buyin' your mouldins someveres ellas now -mit your ready money, gome here all de time. Ve makes you righdt. Cood -day." - -Of this good old man, and the others not less kind, I now thought -continually, and as I reckoned up my savings week by week my hopes -grew stronger that I should soon be able to pay all my debts. As they -did so, I made a resolve that if I ever did become able to pay those -obligations my creditors should receive every penny I had to give, not -a doit should be impounded by bankruptcy officials. For I knew and -hated the system whereby a bankrupt's estate has an immense amount of -it swallowed up in the costs of division. Of course I know that the -machinery of a great concern like the Court of Bankruptcy needs funds -to carry it on, but I am perfectly sure that the costs in which the -creditors are mulcted are enormously in excess of what they should -rightly be. - -Therefore I determined that when I had accumulated sufficient funds to -satisfy all my debts I would give myself the great pleasure of going to -each creditor personally, and paying him what I owed him. Then when all -were paid I would take the receipted bills to the Court, and demand to -be discharged from being a bankrupt. That was my programme, but like -many another well laid plan it did not work. As you shall see. - -When at last the time arrived so eagerly waited for, and I had about -£400 saved, I took a day's leave from the office (I was soon to leave -it altogether), and going to the Court hunted up my old and tried -friend, Mr Hardhat. Giving him a substantial fee for taking him away -from the Court, we adjourned to a neighbouring hotel, where I unfolded -my plan to him. He listened attentively until I had finished, and then -said judicially, "Yes, it's all very well and honest and all the rest -of it, but if you will excuse my saying so it's very foolish. In the -first place every one of your creditors has wiped your account off his -books as a bad debt, and you'll hardly get thanks for re-opening the -matter, even though you come with the money in your hand. In the next -you'll certainly get into trouble with the Court for not proceeding -in the matter regularly, and you may be sure they will suspend your -discharge for as long as they possibly can. The four years which has -elapsed your bankruptcy will not be reckoned. What you ought to do is -to take half the sum you have mentioned, go to the Official Receiver, -and tell him that a friend has offered to pay that sum into Court in -consideration of you getting your immediate discharge, and all will go -through like clock-work." - -I waited very impatiently until he had finished, because I knew -beforehand all the facts he was telling me, and then I said grimly, -"And how much of that £200 do you suppose my creditors will get by -the time it has filtered through the Court?" He smiled and murmured -abstractedly, "I'd rather not say." "Well," I went on, "my mind is -made up. Every penny that I have saved up to pay my debts with shall -go to the people I owe the money to, and I'll do the distribution most -gladly. I paid £10 in Court fees almost with my heart's blood, and -they'll get no more if I can help it." I had forgotten to mention that -being unable to redeem the beautiful piano in time it was lost, and the -pawnbroker got for £8 an instrument honestly worth £40. - -So we parted the best of friends, and I with my cheque-book in my -pocket began my happy journey. I wish with all my heart that I was -able to give you some idea of the joy I had that day and the next. -As nothing had ever given me greater pain, shame and humiliation, -than having to make excuses for not paying money which I legally -owed, as the degradation of borrowing had eaten into my very soul, -so now the exultation of being able to clear myself, as it were, -was correspondingly great. I verily believe that was the happiest -(consciously the happiest) day of all my life. And I was asked to -surrender all that delight to some cold-blooded official, who would -exact an enormous toll for the services rendered by his department. -The very thought of such a thing was preposterous. It would have been -literally flinging away the joy which I had anticipated so long and so -eagerly. - -The first man that I called upon was a mount-cutter, who had a small -business in which he worked very hard himself. I owed him £12, an -amount which he certainly could ill afford to lose, but which he had -been obliged to regard as hopelessly gone. He was an exceedingly kind -and genial man, and one with whom I had been on most intimate terms, so -that my pain and grief at letting him in had been very great. I greeted -him cordially, and said, "Mr ----, I have come to pay you that money I -owe you, and I cannot say how glad I am to be able to do it. I believe -it is £12." And with that I got out my cheque-book. He stared at me -for a moment, and then replied in a strained voice, "I am so glad, not -merely of the money, though it could not be more welcome than it is -to-day, when I have just learned of a loss of £50, money lent to help a -friend, but because you have come spontaneously to pay me. It does me -very much good in every way, gives me a little better opinion of human -nature, and I thank you most heartily." I wrote out the cheque and -handed it to him, saying what I knew to be the absolute truth, that it -could not give him more pleasure to receive his just due than it gave -me to be able and willing to pay it. Then I told him of the happy turn -of fortune which had enabled me to do this act of justice and honesty, -and he listened delightedly. We then shook hands, and parted both with -a glow of good feeling that was priceless. - -Then with eager steps I hastened to the warehouse of my old German -creditor, but alas I found that he was dead. It was a heavy blow, for -I had so looked forward to seeing him without a downcast eye and a -shrinking sense of dishonesty. His successor in the business accepted -my cheque in the most matter-of-fact way, making no comment. But that -affected me not at all, although I came away less springily than I did -from the first creditor. - -Then I made my way to the establishment of a big Jewish firm to whom -I owed a considerable sum for fancy goods on my wife's side of the -business. The manager, a wonderfully able business man with a bright -incisive manner, remembered me at once, but said directly I mentioned -my errand, "Oh, but that's all settled and done with. You went through -the Court, didn't you?" "Yes," I replied, "but that didn't cancel my -obligation. It was only a temporary expedient, and now that I am able -to pay I want to do so." "Oh, very well," he rejoined carelessly, -"we'll turn it up." So the books were brought. He looked up the matter, -and turning to me with an air of surprise, exclaimed, "But this has -nothing to do with you. It's in your wife's name!" I laughed and -answered, "Yes, I know that, but it's my debt all the same, and I want -to pay it." - -It may sound incredible, but it is nevertheless true, that I had quite -a difficulty in persuading that gentleman to take my cheque, for he -kept protesting that it was no affair of mine. Even after I had handed -the cheque to him, he held it towards me and said, "It's not too -late you know, take it back; you've no need to pay this." And when I -laughingly refused to do anything of the sort he said, with a shrug of -his shoulders, "Well, you're a fool, of course, but you're a damned -good sort of a fool, and if you'll accept my invitation I'll give you -the best dinner that can be got in the city of London for money. I -look upon you as a natural curiosity." Gleefully I assured him that -dinners, except as a necessary means of keeping the machine going, -never troubled me, that I had grown to like only the plainest food, -and that in very small quantities. But I hastened to assure him that I -nevertheless valued his kindly intention as highly as if I had been a -gourmet. So _we_ parted, and I have never seen him since. - -From thence I went to another city house to which I owed a substantial -sum. Here, however, I had never seen the principal, my dealings having -been entirely through the traveller who called upon me, and who I have -no doubt had been in serious trouble through my failure. My business -here was of the most formal nature, for the cashier had nothing to do -with the previous course of the business, only to receive my payment -and to give me a quittance. But the sequel to this was perhaps the most -surprising of all those eventful experiences. The next day I received -a letter from the principal of the firm couched in the most charming -terms. He had discovered he said that I was the writer of certain -books, the reading of which had given him the greatest pleasure of -that kind he had ever known. It was exceedingly difficult, he went on, -to realise that I was the struggling tradesman whom he had so often -caused to be harassed for the amount of his account; had he known who -it was he would certainly not have troubled me. And now, as the only -reparation he was able to make for what he felt had been his harshness -towards me, he begged to return the cheque (I believe it was for £35), -which nothing could induce him to accept. And he begged to wish me all -possible happiness and prosperity as well as long life to go on giving -pleasure. - -I only wish I could add to my present pleasure by giving this good -man's name, but that, alas, is out of the question for obvious reasons. -But does not such an experience as this give one an exalted sense of -the kindliness, courtesy, and active benevolence, that is to be found -among business men. My motives in writing this book may be variously -assessed, but I feel that I am only discharging an obvious duty in -putting on record so fragrant, so elevating a record of fact. It should -give persons inclined to cynicism a better, higher idea of their -fellows. For it cannot be supposed that my experiences were unique, -that I was specially singled out for such treatment. No, I believe that -in every walk of life the good, the real good, in man far outweighs -the evil, and that it is an entirely false and narrow view which sees -in every man you do business with one whose mission in life is to _do_ -everybody he can, caring for nobody but himself. And I seek no better -proof than that of my own experience. - -Occasionally the honest kindly fair dealing trader or private person -will be _done_, will be swindled ruthlessly. Now and then one comes -across a man who simply lives to do harm, whose gall of envy is such -that he will take any mean advantage to ruin another man whom he -envies, even though in the process he only injures himself. Thank God, -these are the exceptions, not the rule. On the contrary, in the good -old way these exceptions only prove the rule that love, justice, and -mercy are general, and that hatred, injustice, and cruelty are only -sad upheavals of devilishness which are gradually but surely growing -less and less able to harm well-doing folk. - -Pleasant as these experiences were, and gratefully as I cherish them, -I do not think that they were more so than some later ones, when I -sought out some old friends who had lent me money to help me out of -my constantly recurring difficulties, knowing full well when they did -so that the chances of getting repaid were exceedingly slight. One -of these friends indeed was a Swiss to whom in the early days of our -friendship I had rendered some slight assistance in his endeavour to -get arrears of four years wages from his employer, a compatriot who had -been exploiting him on the ground of his ignorance of England and her -ways. From him I learned how wonderfully these toiling Swiss managed to -save. His wages never exceeded thirty shillings a week, out of which -I should say, I never knew exactly, he saved seventy-five per cent. -At any rate he was able to live for four years without receiving any -wages from his employer, sleeping in a greenhouse at night (they were -gardeners), and eating God knows what. - -I met him at the mission with which I was associated in Paddington, -and seeing his friendlessness asked him to my humble home for Sunday -dinner and tea. And thus our friendship grew and ripened until I was -able to render him the service aforesaid, thinking as I did that he was -on the verge of starvation. To my intense surprise long afterwards, -when I was bewailing to him my parlous plight, he took me to the -garret-chamber which he occupied with all the paraphernalia of his -business, and going to his box produced a bagful of sovereigns, out of -which he asked me to take what would satisfy my urgent needs. Of course -in a work of fiction I should have refused with many high falutin' -words, but being cast in a lower mould I accepted, after I had got over -my amazement that he should have any money at all, much less all that, -for there was well over £100 in the bag. - -But I must not make this chapter too long, and so I will leave over for -the commencement of the next my dealings with my dear friend, Emanuel -Hauri, whose end was peace. - - - - -CHAPTER XIX - -CONCLUSION - - -This loving stranger in a strange land was consumptive, racked with an -awful cough, and lived like a dog--aye, worse than many dogs I know. -By all theories he should not have lived a year, for in addition to -his dreadfully disabling disease and his manner of living, he worked -like an over-powered machine. He was never in bed after three in the -morning, and I have known him to trundle a barrow containing a cartload -of bedding plants from Covent Garden to Kilburn before beginning his -work at six o'clock. And he was never fretful, never captious. The -only criticism I ever heard him make was once when he told me he had -employed a young Englishman to help him at a big job of work at a -gentleman's garden which he was reconstructing. "He stand an' vatch me -wile I do de vork, he vants 'is beer efery few minutes, he don't know -dis and he von't know dat, an' at last I gif him his day's money an' -dell 'im to go, for I can get on better vithout 'im. Dese people in dis -country do not seem to know vat vork is!" - -And oh, my countrymen, is this not the case in a nutshell? It has -got to such a pitch now, in this dear land of ours, that a pauper -feels that he confers a favour upon a workhouse by condescending to -board in it, and if it does not suit him he will instruct one of the -labour members to ask a question about it in the House of Commons. -Poor Emanuel couldn't understand it anyhow, and I have recorded his -exact words wrung from the gentlest of souls. However, what he said -to me about others is one thing, what he said to me about myself and -my unbusinesslike habits is another. But he always added "of course -you are English, and do not know the need for economy such as we on -the Continent have drilled into us from our earliest years. So I don't -blame you. But I tell you that the day is surely coming, when you, all -of you, will be reduced to doing what we have so long been obliged to -do, gather the weeds of the field to stay your craving stomachs, and -your women will have to work like ours. I am sorry, for you have been -a great people, but you have been a friend of every country but your -own, and your people are getting played out--no patience, no stamina, -no savvy!" I have translated his quaint words, but that is the sense -of them, and shamefacedly I have to admit that they are scarcely -exaggerated, they are nearly true. - -Now this poor consumptive, who always looked more fit for an hospital -than to be about at his strenuous work, had deep within his heart the -passion of love, and very wrongly of course, in defiance of all right -reasoning, married the girl of his choice in his youth. She came from -America at his bidding, and together they lived a more strenuous life -than ever, producing several children, and yet such was their united -energy, always getting on. They bought a large house in Maida Vale that -was running to seed, and letting it out in furnished apartments, while -living themselves in a basement, made it pay. - -It was at this time that I came along with my repayment of the loans -made years before, and no memories of mine can overtop in interest -those of the evening when I came and poured into the wife's lap -the little heap of gold which represented his advances to me and -substantial interest thereon. It happily came at a time when their -affairs were under a shade, it was entirely unexpected and so grateful. -Her face was streaming as she gathered up the coins, and said to her -husband in their own language, "This makes all right, beloved one, no -need to worry now." - -It was a happy evening, but over it was the shadow of death. Not many -weeks after I was called to his bedside, where he lay ardently desiring -release from his sufferings, and assured that his lingerings here could -only mean an additional burden on his wife, already staggering under a -far too heavy load. I can never forget his parting words to me, "If I -could only die. I have done with this world, I am of no more use here, -and why I should live on puzzles me. I will so gladly go and rest." I -bade him farewell and left him, to hear the next day that he had gone -to that rest which he so ardently desired. - -Now, I might if it were desirable give a great many more instances of -the delight and satisfaction I had at that time, if it were not that -I feel that these pages lack so plentifully that characteristic so -earnestly, so eagerly demanded to-day, humour. I have no quarrel with -this demand, for I love humour, and believe that no one has a keener -appreciation of it than myself. But when I look at the majority of the -alleged humorous productions of the day, I am reluctantly compelled to -say that I do not see where their humour lies. I will not mention any -names I see at the foot of alleged humorous articles to-day, which give -me a feeling of nausea, and I wonder mightily how anyone can be found -to read, much less buy the futile piffle that is printed, and that, -too, in our leading magazines and newspapers. One leading exception -I will make and gladly break my rule for, Mr Pett Ridge, bless him, -who never makes a mistake, whose humour is sweet and true, and who, -I believe from his writings, all of which I eagerly read, is as good -a man as they make nowadays. As I only know this gentleman by casual -meetings at dinners, I cannot be accused of log-rolling; indeed, I know -how he would heartily repudiate any effort of the kind on my part. - -Now, in my present peregrinations in search of those to whom I was -indebted, I was unable to trace two or three, notably the gentleman -in the Adelphi from whom I had borrowed £10 at an interest of £1 per -month. And so, when the business was over, and I visited my friend -Mr Hardhat with the story of my efforts, he smiled grimly and said, -"They'll suspend your discharge for two years, you see if they don't." -I said nothing, because I did not greatly care; but I felt that if they -did, it would only be on a par with all that I had hitherto seen and -known of the business. However we made the application for discharge in -due form, presenting with it documentary evidence that all the debts -had been paid, with the exception of those two or three that we could -not find before mentioned, the total amount remaining unpaid being a -mere trifle. - -Now it seems scarcely believable, since one would naturally suppose -that such an institution existed primarily for the purpose of doing -justice to creditors, but the official to whom I presented the -documents looked as if he had been personally affronted. "This ought -to have gone through the Official Receiver's hands," he said severely. -I was sorely tempted to reply in a similar manner, since his severity -or otherwise mattered not a jot to me now, but I choked it down and -answered mildly, "I wanted to save the creditors and myself trouble -and fees and delay." To this he made no reply, but handed me my -appointment for the hearing of my application for discharge. - -That day came, and I again appeared before the Registrar to support my -application for discharge. Now, when I had last come there, an utterly -penniless man without any prospect of ever paying my debts, the public -prosecutor or Official Receiver had dealt most leniently with me, had -only stated the case against me of not keeping proper books of account, -and of continuing to trade after knowing myself to be a bankrupt, -without bias of any kind. But now that I had vindicated my right to be -called an honest man, by voluntarily paying every man to whom I had -ever owed anything, I was treated as a criminal. And on some technical -count or other, which I did not understand, my discharge was suspended -for two years. I endeavoured to protest, but was summarily silenced, -and came away in a white heat of indignation against a system that -under the ægis of law makes it more profitable to be a rogue than to be -honest. I have no doubt that the Bankruptcy Act may theoretically be -as near perfection as can be, but I am absolutely certain that in its -administration it puts a premium upon knavery and crushes the honestly -intentioned debtor into the dust. - -My good friend, Mr Hardhat, was waiting for me when I emerged, and -listened in silence while I exhausted my fairly copious vocabulary of -disgust and dislike upon the whole sordid business. But he laughed -outright, when I stamped the dirt off my boots upon the threshold, and -declared that I would die rather than enter the place again. However -we parted an hour later, on most excellent terms, and from that day -to this, nearly nine years ago, although I have passed the place a -thousand times, I have never seen him again. - -And now my narrative draws near its close. For when I commenced -it, I meant it to contain only what should justify its title, "The -Confessions of a Tradesman," and so I have rigidly excluded all that -I felt would not rightly come under that head. I found also as I -advanced with the story that, among the thousands of incidents which -rushed to my mind, I was reduced to a really small selection, since I -was determined to tell the truth only. And if I told the whole truth -there can be little doubt that I should have got into exceedingly -hot water. So as I have been badly scalded once, I feel disinclined -to run any risks of a like nature, and while my determination, and -indeed my compulsion to tell the truth is as strong as ever, I must -tell only such parts of it as will not wring the withers of sensitive -individuals, or give opportunity to any grasping ones to get at me in a -pecuniary sense. - -Writers of autobiography are often blamed, quite unjustly I think, for -leaving out just those parts of their story which in the opinion of the -reader would prove most interesting. But would it not be more just to -remember that closely interwoven as our lives are with those of others, -it would be impossible to go into all the details desired without -involving other persons who have not the least wish that their names or -their actions should be made public? Another thing which is constantly -pressed by the reviewers of autobiographies is, that no man or woman -can be trusted to tell the truth about themselves. That they will -either naturally try to make themselves out better than they are, or in -a spirit of perverse braggadocio, pretend themselves to be villains of -a deep and deadly dye, when they have only been playing at wickedness. - -From both of these reproaches I do earnestly hope to be absolved. I -have honestly tried in these confessions to set down just what has -happened in a curiously involved life, repressing many desires to -be vindictive towards others or exculpatory of myself, and since I -am not here to be accused of the crime of writing a novel with a -purpose (which I understand is considered in literary circles to be -the unpardonable sin), I may hope that some struggling tradesmen may -find comfort and even amusement in these pages. That the Philistines, -whom superior Matthew Arnold hated, but whom I believe to be the very -salt of the earth, the dwellers in suburbia and its mean streets, may -perchance recognise one of their own kindred, who is not looking down -upon them from any sublime literary height, but who is one of them -and entirely unashamed of the fact; these are my consolations and -encouragements as I finish these pages. - -And thus with all my heart and soul I wish to every man and woman who -have sunk their precious little capital in some suburban shop, and are -to-night, oh, so anxiously, looking for the customers to drop in who -may make their venture a success, a bumper house. May you all feel that -your efforts have not been in vain. When you look up at the prettily -decorated window, every muscle of you aching with the strain you have -put upon it during the last few days, may you feel not only a glow of -satisfaction at the appearance of your handiwork, but may your souls -be gladdened by seeing crowds of easily pleased customers with bulging -purses streaming through your gaping doors. - - -THE END - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN *** - -***** This file should be named 63556-0.txt or 63556-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/5/5/63556/ - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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If you are not located in the United States, you -will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before -using this ebook. - -Title: Confessions of a Tradesman - -Author: Frank Thomas Bullen - -Release date: Oct 26, 2020 [EBook #63556] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -Produced by: MWS, Martin Pettit and the Online Distributed Proofreading - Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from - images generously made available by The Internet - Archive/American Libraries.) - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN *** -</pre> -<div class ="mynote"><p class="center">Transcriber's Note:<br /><br /> -Obvious typographic errors have been corrected.<br /></p></div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="center"><img src="images/front.jpg" alt="front" /></div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[Pg i]</a></span></p> - -<h1>CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN</h1> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[Pg ii]</a></span></p> - -<div class="center"><img src="images/books.jpg" alt="WORKS BY THE SAME AUTHOR" /></div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="center"><img src="images/title.jpg" alt="title page" /></div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[Pg iii]</a></span></p> - -<p class="bold2">CONFESSIONS OF<br />A TRADESMAN</p> - -<p class="bold space-above">BY</p> - -<p class="bold2">FRANK T. BULLEN</p> - -<p class="bold">AUTHOR OF<br />"WITH CHRIST AT SEA," "THE CRUISE OF THE CACHALOT"<br />ETC.</p> - -<p class="bold space-above">HODDER AND STOUGHTON<br />LONDON MCMVIII</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[Pg iv]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center"><i>Printed in 1908</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[Pg v]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">To<br />THE SMALL TRADESMEN<br />OF LONDON</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></p> - -<h2>PREFACE</h2> - -<p>It is a particular, and not altogether pleasant, feature of literary -work in Britain that should an author make a certain amount of success -with a book on one particular topic, it is thenceforward tacitly -assumed that he must stick to that topic, assaying no other on pain -of being mercilessly taken to task by the critics. Or what is worse, -damned with faint praise. With this knowledge very vividly impressed -upon me, I have hitherto refrained from writing upon a subject with -which I have most intimate and painful acquaintance, and one that -should appeal to a far wider circle of readers than any of my previous -books have done. It is the subject of the small, struggling tradesman -or shop-keeper.</p> - -<p>I may, I trust, be permitted to remind my good friends, the public, -to whom I owe so great a debt, that prior to going to sea I was, as -some writers love to say, not entirely unconnected with trade, having -for two or three years been employed with varying degrees of unsuccess -by small tradesmen as an errand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span> boy, etc. In this wise (although I -feel sure that none of my employers would have suspected me of it), I -absorbed some germs of a commercial spirit, did at any rate acquire the -rudiments of trade, although in most irregular and entirely erratic -ways.</p> - -<p>During my sea-career, these germs lay entirely dormant, unfruitful; -but they were undoubtedly tenacious of life, as we learn that disease -germs always are; and so, when I forsook the sea upon an offer of a job -ashore, a fitting environment aroused them, and they sprang into active -life. Not of course immediately, a period of incubation was needed. -It was readily forthcoming. At the age of twenty-five, I deliberately -turned my back upon a profession that then offered me nothing better -than mate of a tramp at £6 per month, and accepted a berth in a public -office ashore at £2 per week, having a wife and one child, and no stick -of furniture for a home.</p> - -<p>Is it necessary to say that never having known any training in thrift, -having indeed belonged to the least provident of all our notably -improvident workers, I soon found the shoe pinching, soon discovered -that forty shillings a week was devoid of elasticity, especially -when curbed by payments to be made for furniture purchased on the -very unsatisfactory "hire system"? Perhaps not, but in any case it -was this,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span> coupled with the knowledge that all my fellow clerks were -driven by the necessities of their miserable pay into bye-ways of -supplementing their income, that lured me back to trade again. Here let -me digress for a purpose. Many and grave scandals have been unearthed -in the Civil Service, note well, in the higher branches even, but -none I think greater than those where poorly paid clerks toiled to -do the work for which their seniors were paid; said seniors being -meanwhile engaged in amassing fortunes as eminent authorities upon -art, the drama, or sport. But in the office where I was employed no -such scandals were possible, seeing that the pay of the most powerful -clerk therein was less than the annual tailor's bill of some of the -superior Civil Service clerks. And whatever might be the value put upon -our labours by those without, it is at least incontrovertible that we -worked hard, so hard indeed that our superimposed labours after hours -in order to keep the domestic pot boiling were cruel.</p> - -<p>Of the manner of my escape from that Stygian lake with all its monotony -and despair of outlook, I have perhaps said more than enough in -print already, and in any case it would here be quite out of place. -But of the time during which I in common with many thousands of my -fellows in London endeavoured to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[Pg x]</a></span> live respectably, and rear a family -by honest toil, I feel free to speak, and if incidentally I can -throw a few side-lights, humorous or pathetic, as the case may be, -upon the strenuous lives led by small London tradesmen, I shall be -proportionately glad.</p> - -<p>It only remains that while in the following pages fiction finds no -place, no real names are given for the most obvious reasons.</p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">Frank T. Bullen.</span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Millfield,<br /> Melbourn.</span></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[Pg xi]</a></span></p> - -<h2>CONTENTS</h2> - -<table summary="CONTENTS"> - <tr> - <td colspan="2" class="left"><span class="smaller">CHAP.</span></td> - <td><span class="smaller">PAGE</span></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>I. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Entering Business</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>II. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Continued Trouble</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_15">15</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>III. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Freedom and Want</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_30">30</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>IV. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">My Trade Apprenticeship Finishes</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_46">46</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>V. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Into Trade in Spite of Myself</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_61">61</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>VI. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Developments</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_77">77</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>VII. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">I Take a Shop</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>VIII. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Getting Broken In</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_109">109</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>IX. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">In Harness</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_125">125</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[Pg xii]</a></span>X. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">The Cottage Ornée</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_140">140</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XI. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Nearing the End</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_155">155</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XII. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Towards Carey Street</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_170">170</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XIII. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Collapse</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_186">186</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XIV. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Relief at Last</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_202">202</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XV. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Legal Experiences</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_218">218</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XVI. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Through to Freedom</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_235">235</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XVII. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">The Day Dawns</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_252">252</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XVIII. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">The Joy of Success</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_268">268</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>XIX. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Conclusion</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_284">284</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER I</span> <span class="smaller">ENTERING BUSINESS</span></h2> - -<p>With the causes of my first plunge into the troubled waters of trade at -the early age of nine I have here nothing to do. It must suffice to say -that one spring morning, over forty years ago, I entered the emporium -of an oil, colour, and Italian warehouseman (to quote from his fascia), -in what was then known as Kensal New Town, a neighbourhood that had -long been of unsavoury reputation, but was emerging into something -like respectability by the aid of sundry long rows of jerry-built, -stucco-ornamented houses, the inhabitants of which tried hard to forget -the former appellation of their chosen abiding-place, and dated their -letters, when they wrote any, from Upper Westbourne Park.</p> - -<p>Mingled with the rows of mean streets of private dwellings were a few -scattered shops tenanted by brave and daring folk who lived principally -upon hope and a little capital. One of these had established himself -between a butcher and a baker, and having laid in a stock of the -amazingly miscellaneous description which characterises what we in -London call,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> <i>tout court</i>, an "oil shop," awaited local custom. But -having no children to assist him, and his wife being fully occupied -with household duties, he sought additional help, and I obtained the -situation. How vivid and fresh is the recollection of my opening morn! -With what awe did I gaze upon the closely packed shop, wondering -however mortal mind could tell where everything was stowed; how -curiously did I sniff the mingled odours of paint, soap, paraffin, -glue, dog-biscuit, size, etc., all combined by the piney scent of the -newly chopped wood which was stacked in halfpenny bundles up against -the counter.</p> - -<p>My employer was a stout, stern, dark man, who appeared to me like -the dread arbiter of my fate, and his deep voice sent a thrill of -apprehension through me as he gave me my first order, which was to -carry home some wood, seven bundles for threepence, to one of the -aristocracy of the vicinity. It was a heavy load for my thin arms, -but had I been unable to lift it I should have strained myself to -injury point in the endeavour to do so, such was my pride in my first -commission. I wasted no time on the way, and ran back with the cash, -triumphant, panting with exertion, pride, and the consciousness of -ability.</p> - -<p>Thenceforward I knew no idle moments, for my master was an expert in -keeping me at it; he was never at a loss for a job for me, nor, to do -him justice, did I ever see him idle himself. In fact, my only respite -during the long day, from 7 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span> till 10 <span class="smaller">P.M.</span>,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> was -when, munching my crusts of bread and dripping, I minded the shop -during his meal times, my mouth watering at the savoury smells which -assailed my nostrils through all the reek of the shop, from his little -parlour.</p> - -<p>I have now a curious notion that I was too willing, because I know -that I must have made him forget how puny an urchin I was, or he would -never have sent me on the errands he did. One of these in the early -days of my service with him stands out, salient, against the background -of memory. It was in the early days of the Metropolitan Railway, which -then ran only from Shepherd's Bush to Moorgate Street. There was a -funny little primitive station at Westbourne Park, which was but a mile -from our shop, and one day, giving me a few pence for my half-fare, -he despatched me to Shoreditch to fetch something, I knew not what, -for which he had given me an order in a sealed envelope. Proud as -possible, I dashed off, took my ticket at Westbourne Park for the City, -and arriving at Moorgate Street, inquired my way to Shoreditch, which -I reached without any difficulty. A salesman took my order, looked -at me, and said loftily, "Ow yer goin' ter take it?" In reply I only -stared dumbly, because I had no idea what "it" was. He shrugged his -shoulders and retired, presently bringing forward an iron drum full of -treacle, which he plumped before me, saying, "There y' are." I looked -at it helplessly for a moment, and then looked at him; but seeing no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> -encouragement in his eye, essayed to lift it, and found that I could -just manage to raise it an inch or two from the floor.</p> - -<p>"Can't carry it," I said.</p> - -<p>"Nothin' to do wi' me," he replied, taking it up—oh, so easily, I -thought—and putting it outside on the pavement. I did not need telling -what that meant, and so calling my wits to work, I did the best I knew, -that is, I turned it over on its side and rolled it! Yes, I rolled it -along Shoreditch, up Worship Street, and along Finsbury Pavement, until -I came opposite Moorgate Street Station, where I halted, baffled by the -width of that great highway. But a kindly costermonger came to my aid, -and, finding what the trouble was, uttered many strange words about the -behaviour of whoever had sent such a kid on an errand of this kind; -then, hoisting the drum on his barrow, he wheeled it across the road -and deposited it within the station. Thence I rolled it to the steps -and managed to work it down them on to the platform (I am afraid I -quite forgot to thank my kind helper), where it was lifted into the van -by a sympathetic guard, and we rattled off to Westbourne Park. Arriving -there, and being helped again by the tender-hearted guard aforesaid, -I rolled my incubus into a dark corner, and fled shopwards, pantingly -explaining on arrival that I wanted the "truck." Granted, with gloomy -brows, by the boss.</p> - -<p>Now this truck, of which more anon, was one of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> those curiously shaped -ones used exclusively by wine merchants at that time. It was curved and -hollow, in order to take one barrel. It had a very long push handle, -and no bottom. So you can imagine how difficult was my journey with -that drum upon it, a veritable pilgrimage of pain. Let me pause awhile -to solemnly curse that truck, and the evil chance that harnessed me -to its awkwardness. Nevertheless upon this occasion I did reach my -journey's end in safety, with the drum and its contents intact, only to -be grumbled at because I had been so long!</p> - -<p>But before I quit the subject of that truck, I must tell of my -great exploit in connection with it. It was so entirely unhandy and -unsuitable for general purposes, besides being so infernally heavy to -push or pull that it was as much as I could do to handle it when empty. -Yet I was so willing and eager that my employer forgot my pigmy size -and put me to tasks absurdly beyond my strength, simply because he -didn't think. I don't for a moment believe he was deliberately cruel -or callous, and I know that although entirely free to do so, and often -sorely aggravated, he never struck me, nor ever abused me. One day, -however, he sent me on an errand to the older part of Kensal New Town -with a hundredweight of bar soap in a box balanced on that truck. For -some reason, which I forget, but probably hurry, he omitted to lash the -box—it would have been a difficult operation in any case; and so I -started off, trying to push the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> truck with one hand and hold the box -on with the other, as the truck jolted over the stones—and succeeded -fairly well too, until I came to a quagmire of a road where building -was going on. Still I strove, the truck bumping horribly over the -boulders hidden beneath the mud, until, when abreast of a church, which -was just abuilding, the calamity which had been looming ever since I -left the shop occurred—the box slid off the truck and capsized in the -mud. The bars of soap flew in all directions, disposing themselves -picturesquely as if planted in the slush, and I surveyed the awful -scene in a sort of philosophic calm, feeling indeed that <i>kismet</i> had -conquered me, and not carelessness or inefficiency. It never occurred -to me to blame my employer.</p> - -<p>From that stupor or reverie I was aroused by the loud laughter of -the bricklayers on the scaffolding near at hand, and I sprang with -desperate energy to the task of righting the wrong. First, I replaced -the box, then, stripping off my little jacket, I disinterred bar after -bar of the soap. I scraped the thick of the mud off on the side of the -barrow, and then wiping the bars as clean as I could on my jacket, I -replaced them one by one in the box, nor did I lose any. By the time -I had finished, and I had no help, a circumstance which even now I -wonder at—it would have been hard to tell which was muddiest, the -truck, the box, the soap, or myself. But my only object being to get -that box home, I took no heed of such an extrinsic<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> matter as mud; and -when, at last, I pushed off again with my cargo, I felt quite a glow of -legitimate pride, for that I had retrieved my disaster.</p> - -<p>How I escaped another before emerging from that bad road I do not -know; but I did, and presently arrived at my destination, overheated, -unrecognisable for mud, but triumphant. I knocked at the door, and -the laundress appeared, a comely figure in spotless print. She gave a -little start back when she saw me, as if she feared I would soil her -eyesight, but I said quickly—</p> - -<p>"Please, 'm, I've brought the soap."</p> - -<p>She, incredulously, "Oh, 'ave yer! Well, it's abaht time. Bring it in."</p> - -<p>I hastened to the barrow, loaded myself with an armful of bars, and -hastened back. But she met me at the door, and glancing at my burden, -put up her hand in protest, crying—</p> - -<p>"What the devil d'ye call <i>that</i>."</p> - -<p>"It's the soap, m'am," replied I meekly.</p> - -<p>"Don't you dare bring none o' that muck in 'ere, young man," said she -grimly.</p> - -<p>Then I pleaded that a little scraping would make it all right, and used -other feeble arguments, to all of which she presented a stony front, -when suddenly our conference was interrupted by the appearance of my -employer, who, with profuse apologies, wheeled away the soap, leaving -me to follow, but apparently caring not whether I did. I felt terribly -guilty as I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> followed him back, and never dreamed of blaming him for -the catastrophe. I have often wondered since whether he blamed himself.</p> - -<p>Be that as it may, I remember he said no word as we twain unloaded the -sombre cargo and scraped each bar with utter care, making the scrapings -into a ball. It was a long job, for customers kept coming in for -pennyworths of soap, and halfpenny bundles of wood, and farthingsworths -of blacking, at which trivial interruptions he still evinced no -irritability, but when at last all was finished he weighed the ball of -scrapings and found it equivalent to three bars and a half of soap. -These he added to the pile of cleansed bars, repacked them, and started -me off again, warning me, however, to go a long way round in order to -avoid the road where I had come to grief; and on Saturday night he -stopped the value of that soap out of my week's wages, which left me -2s., for I was then receiving 4s. per week.</p> - -<p>As I lived with a laundress, I was able to make a bargain for the ball -of soap-scrapings, so managed to scrape through, though not without -difficulty and many cursory remarks upon my behaviour. Now, as if -my troubles were not sufficient, the baker's and butcher's boys on -either side conceived a dislike to me, and lost no opportunity of -making my life a burden, especially when, during spells of leisure in -the evenings, I watched the store of pails, crockery, etc., arranged -outside the shop. Many and harsh were the tricks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> they played on me, -until I discovered that they both smoked, and thenceforward I purchased -immunity from persecution with handfuls of shag tobacco, purloined from -the back of the counter while the boss was inside at his meals, not -recking of the risk I ran, in view of present ease.</p> - -<p>My experiences altogether were of an exceedingly varied character in -this business, and I must often have made my employer feel that life -was hardly worth living when my blunders were frequent and painful; -yet, on the whole, I feel that he had his full money's worth out of -me—especially on Saturday nights, when the shop would be full, mostly -of urchins carrying all sorts of utensils and yelling "pint er penny -oy-el," in twenty different keys all at once, while almost everybody -watched an opportunity to steal a bundle of wood or some other trifling -article. Once, indeed, a purblind old woman put a bundle of wood in her -basket abstractedly, not noticing that it had a piece of thin string -fast to it, and methinks I can now see her amazed face as on nearing -the door the string grew tight and jerked her plunder out of the basket -along with some other small parcels. But my governor was equal to the -occasion. He said calmly—</p> - -<p>"I don't think I took for that bundle, m'am, and you somehow got hold -of the wrong one," quietly putting it back and handing her another, -which she took, and forked out the halfpenny. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - -<p>But after about four months matters reached a climax. I was sent -hurriedly to Paddington one night for a box of tallow candles of about -ten pounds' weight, with urgent orders to hurry, as the stock was out. -I did hurry. On the way back, running down Brindley street with the -box on my head, I stumbled, and the box flew off into the road with -a crash. It did not break, so I snatched it up and ran off again. -Arriving at the shop all breathless, I found three customers waiting to -be served with candles. The boss seized the box, burst it open, and, -lo! there was not a whole candle within! He glared at me, but refrained -from expressing any opinion. Apologising to his customers, he dismissed -them candleless. Then turning to me, he said, with an effort, "You'll -go on Saturday. And take those candles for your week's wages. I've had -enough of <i>you</i>." And probably he had.</p> - -<p>Incidentally, I may mention that the laundress with whom I lived, and -for whom I worked when out of a job, resented intensely my bringing -home those candles in lieu of four shillings, and I suffered many -things until the last of those mutilated lumps of tallow and cotton had -been disposed of.</p> - -<p>I spent about a month of misery working in the laundry at night, and -by day looking for a job, until I obtained a situation at a boot-shop -in Archer Street, Notting Hill, as errand-boy, my wages being 3s. 6d. -per week and my tea. Here my opportunities for blundering were fewer, -the business being so much<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> more simple. My duties were to run errands, -dust the shop, and keep the floor clean. I was really much better off -than before, though the hours were very long, till ten every night but -Saturday, and then till midnight; for my work was not heavy, and the -good meal I got every evening was a great help. But I confess sadly -that, all my earnings going for my lodgings, I devised a dishonest -plan for getting a little pocket-money. When taking home the repairs, -I would add threepence or sixpence to the price, and when my scheme -panned out all right, as it often did, I pocketed the difference. But -of course I was soon discovered, and literally kicked out by my irate -employer, who stigmatised me as a young thief, and spoke of prison and -the policeman, whom I dreaded far more.</p> - -<p>I pass over the weary time of waiting for another job, when indeed I -worked far harder than while in a place, and come to my next billet, -which was at a trunk-maker's in the Edgware Road. Whether my employer -was the owner of the business or not I never knew, but, as I remember -him, he was more like a soulless automaton than a man. He employed -no one but me in the huge shop, and only one man in the workshop -below, who was principally at work making, that is covering, ladies' -dress-baskets. Every morning at eight, after hoisting the revolving -shutters with a winch handle, I toiled, with occasional assistance -from the governor, in building up a huge pile of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> trunks, bags, boxes, -etc., outside the shop, a pile which was made more imposing by a great, -black, box-like thing, about ten feet long by three feet square, which -he used to help me lug in and out.</p> - -<p>He lived in a little den in one corner of the shop, and made his meals -of tea (which he made over the gas-flame by which he wrote) and bread -and butter, which I fetched for him, a twopenny coburg, and two ounces -of fourteenpenny Dorset at a time. Never once did he speak a kind or -considerate word to me, or even offer me a crust of his bread—no, he -used to save and soak them and eat them himself; at which I wondered -and grumbled secretly, for I felt that he could well afford to leave me -a few scraps, as I was always hungry. But 'twas not i' the bond.</p> - -<p>I had very little to do here in the way of errand-running, but I had no -idle moments, and when not occupied in the almost interminable job of -dusting the stock and cleaning out the shop, I could always find work -below, making paste and lining the cheap boxes we made for servants. -And here I was quite happy, for the journeyman was a genial soul and -beguiled the time with jokes and snatches of song, often too giving -me a portion of his frugal dinner or a halfpenny, which I promptly -invested in "broken stale" at the baker's hard by, where I purchased -the governor's coburgs.</p> - -<p>But it was a dull, hard, monotonous life, and only for the fact that I -occasionally got hold of a copy of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> "Boys of England," "The Young -Briton," or the "Sons of Britannia," among the waste-paper we used for -linings, and lost myself in the realms of romance with "Caradoc the -Briton," "Alone in the Pirate's Lair," or the "Young Centurion," there -would have been hardly a gleam of sunshine in my young life. Those -blessed stories supplied the place of pleasant companions and of kind -words, and were in a great measure educational—at any rate, they were -all the schooling in one sense that I had.</p> - -<p>I had been at this slow business several months, when one day my -employer, without thinking, I am sure, of what he was doing, sent me to -Hoxton to fetch a full-sized leather portmanteau from one of the small -workers who make such things at home. Of course he gave me no money -for travelling, my time at four shillings a week was not valuable, and -off I set. Arriving at my journey's end, and stating my errand, the -man handed the article to me, that is he put it outside his door, and -left me to deal with it as best I could. Now, it was so large that I -could almost have got into it, and it was correspondingly heavy. But -I was six miles from home, and had to do something; so, as I could -not lift it, I started to drag it along the pavement through a light, -drizzling rain. Coming to an oil-shop, I went in and begged a yard of -clothesline, which I rove through the handle, and, incredible as it may -appear, I actually <i>towed</i> that portmanteau home. I was nearly four -hours doing that six miles,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> and reached the shop late in the evening, -dead beat, but triumphant.</p> - -<p>It was a short-lived triumph, though, for that spruce portmanteau -looked as if it had been subjected to years of the hardest wear, and -was besides almost covered with mud. My employer gave one glance at it, -uttered a sort of whoop, and sat down trembling. I stood facing him, -wondering what would happen. Suddenly he rose and uttered his nightly -formula, "Close the establishment."</p> - -<p>As soon as that heavy task was done, he placed two shillings in my hand -(it was Wednesday night), and said, "If ever you come near this shop -again, and I catch you, I'll break every bone in your skin." I said, -"Good night, sir," and fled, pleased to think I had escaped so easily. -And thus abruptly ended my acquaintance with the trunk-maker's art. -Hitherto, it must be confessed, I had made no great hit at commerce, -not even having been able to obtain a character. But I suppose I was an -unconscious opportunist, for I wasted little energy in vain regrets, -but cast about for a new opening after each phase of experience.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER II</span> <span class="smaller">CONTINUED TROUBLE</span></h2> - -<p>By some strange freak of good fortune to which I was totally -unaccustomed, the very next day after my summary dismissal from the -trunk-maker's, I got a job in a big dairy company's business. I have -forgotten exactly how it happened, but I think that one of my street -chums told me he had seen the notice in the shop window, and hurrying -off at once, I secured the situation. At first blush I was almost -overwhelmed with the magnitude of my good fortune. For my wages were -to be six shillings per week, and a pint of milk twice a day, which to -me was wealth indeed, and I began to have visions of getting a little -pocket-money out of my earnings, and perhaps even, blissful thought, a -new suit of clothes, a possession that I had never yet enjoyed.</p> - -<p>My delight was somewhat tempered by the fact that my hours of -business were to be from 4.30 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span> to 9 <span class="smaller">P.M.</span>, on -Sunday and week-day alike, in summer; and from 5.30 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span> to -9 <span class="smaller">P.M.</span> in winter. But of course that was merely a detail. -As I had to begin at so unholy an hour in the morning, of course it -was <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span>unthinkable that I could get any food in the house, and so my -landlady made arrangements, in consideration of receiving the whole -of my earnings <i>and</i> the milk, to subsidise a local coffee-stall -keeper to the extent of one cup of coffee and one slice of cake, price -together one penny, every morning. This I bolted at the street corner, -often scalding my mouth, for I need hardly say that the margin of -time was never very great. And if a boy arrived late, well, there was -an end, for his van had gone without him, since it might not linger, -obstructing the others.</p> - -<p>After swallowing my coffee, I fled as fast as my legs would carry me -towards my place of business (sounds important, doesn't it?), which, -when I reached it, was a roaring vortex of noise. For the railway vans -had just arrived from Paddington Station, and the huge churns of milk -were being shifted with much clangour and shouting from the street to -the cellar of the shop, where their contents were being distributed -into the polished churns which went into the distributing vans. Every -man and boy was hard at work, the majority fitting out their respective -vans with cans, kettles, etc.; and in half an hour from beginning this -work, every van (there were sixteen of them) with its driver and its -attendant boy, a crate full of empty cans, and two brimming churns of -milk, had rattled off towards the district, often three or four miles -away, which was allotted to it.</p> - -<p>In summer this eager rush and excitement was rather<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> pleasant, and -more in the nature of a huge frolic than otherwise; but in winter, on -bitter, bleak, snowy, or wet mornings, it was undoubtedly terribly -hard upon such children as I, poorly clad and insufficiently fed, as -most of us were. There were two of us in my van besides the driver, -it being a <i>heavy</i> district, and there was consequently considerable -rivalry between my fellow-worker and myself, which kept both of us -from lagging. Our boss was a gruff, unsociable sort of fellow, but he -must have had a soft spot in his heart somewhere, for he invariably -pulled up at the first coffee stall (it was set against a dead wall, -nearly opposite the entrance to Kensington Palace Gardens, I remember), -and treated each of us to a pennyworth of coffee and cake; and this -kindness he repeated when we had finished our round, if the weather was -cold.</p> - -<p>Upon arriving at the commencement of our district we at once flew into -violent activity, distributing the milk in cans down the areas and at -the doors; but at seven we began to serve at the doors, the servants -being about, and many a chunk of cake and mug of hot coffee fell to my -lot from kind-hearted kitchen-maids. So, taking it all round, it was -not entirely unpleasant if very exhausting. But one thing I have never -been able to understand, the wonderful memory we developed. We carried -no books, and yet when we returned to the shop at about eight, each of -us went before the cashier and repeated, without an<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> effort apparently, -as he read out the numbers of the houses, the quantity of milk we had -served them with. I do not remember learning this, and indeed it seemed -to come naturally to all of us. And when it is remembered that out of -150 gallons of milk we were only allowed one quart for margin, it can -easily be understood that we must have been pretty correct.</p> - -<p>We had an hour allowed for breakfast, and then the boys had to return -and wash and polish the big cans or kettles, as we called them, a task -which took us till the afternoon, when we sallied forth again in all -the glory of white smocks, shining cans, and trim equipages. This was -the pleasant time, for there were nice little snacks obtainable at -kitchen doors, and many an opportunity of making a dishonest halfpenny -by selling milk to strangers, which deficiency in our pails we made -up by giving short measure to regular and large customers, but never, -as far as I know, by calling in the aid of the pump. At night when we -returned, and the men took their vans off to the stables, the boys -washed up the hundreds of small cans under the acute supervision of an -old foreman. All the cans were washed and rinsed, were stacked with -open lids ready for the morning, and at about 9.30 we were released.</p> - -<p>I do not know how long this strenuous employment claimed me, but I -know that I was one day discharged suddenly without explanation. The -only reason I can<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> assign is that some of my petty pilferings of milk -had been discovered, and the only excuse I can give is that of all my -earnings I never had a halfpenny to call my own—it all went for my -keep.</p> - -<p>Why or how I went to my next place I shall never know. It is to me -and always has been a profound mystery. It was at a "lath-render's," -a place where laths were made by hand from curved fillets of Russian -pine, with a groove down the centre as if showing whence the pith had -been removed, that had often aroused my wonder as to their use. I was -to receive, as far as I remember, small wages, and certainly no food, -but I was to learn the business! But my only occupation while I was -there was to tie up chips for sale and keep the fire going in the -stove, although I watched the men splitting the long laths from the -billets with a sort of hatchet with keenest interest. Ah, yes, I used -to saw the billets into lengths, I remember, but not to any extent. I -was too small for such strenuous labour.</p> - -<p>Well, my whole course there is misty in retrospect, but deeply -flavoured with the pleasant scent of the pine wood, except the manner -of my leaving, which was sudden, dramatic, and mysterious. I have said -that my principal occupation was the tying up of chips. There were -naturally a great many of these, and they were made into bundles by -the aid of a rude machine, and sold, largely to laundresses, who used -to send for them as being more economical than the bundle-wood<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> at -the oil-shops. Now what perverse demon tempted me I know not, but one -day I thought it would be a desirable thing to conceal in the heart -of each bundle a lump of clinker from the stove! No possible benefit -could accrue to me from doing this, and had my reasoning powers been in -working order, I must have known that detection and subsequent disaster -must inevitably be swift.</p> - -<p>But I did not think, and I did include clinkers in my bundles, with -the result that one day a horde of infuriated washerwomen, mostly -of Irish extraction, descended upon the shop armed with clinkers, -with which, after briefest prologue, they pelted my unfortunate and -totally innocent employer. He, poor man, could do nothing but close the -establishment under this rapid fire of missiles; and then, thinking -quickly, turned upon me and flung me out, not, I rejoice to say, as a -sacrifice to the mob, but by a rear door, whence I escaped along the -canal side. Explanation of my conduct I have none, and there I must -leave the matter. It may have been the budding of incipient genius, but -in the mellow light of retrospect I confess that it appears very like -the act of a lunatic of which I had been guilty.</p> - -<p>Again, I was free and still characterless. This time I suffered, as -no doubt I deserved, hunger, thirst, and pain before I again entered -employment, but when I did get a berth it promised fairer than any of -my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> previous ones. Just how I fell in with this astounding piece of -luck, I have forgotten, but what is indelibly impressed upon my memory -is the fact that in my new situation I received board and clothing and -two shillings a week—quite sufficient to pay for my poor little bed -in a room which I shared with a cobbler, who used it for a workshop, -toiling far into the night after I had gone to sleep; but while I was -awake, entertaining me vastly with scraps of quaint philosophy. No -wonder I was what they used to call an old-fashioned kid! But bless -that dear old cobbler's heart. He was gentle, kind, and wise, except -in one direction, but even in his cups I never remember hearing him -say ought that a little child might not listen to, or ask and obtain -the meaning of unsullied. He was very fond of me, and I of him. I -daresay we meant a great deal to each other, meeting as we did in that -little eddy out of the great rapids of life, and without visible effort -supplying each other's needs. I well remember meeting him one day—it -must have been when I was looking for a job—surrounded by a little mob -of children "avin a gime wiv im" in the vernacular. Taking me gently by -the arm he said, with a grand wave of his free hand, "Now here is an -example for you, ill-mannered brats that you are, that can only shout -'Ullo, Trotty.' I know I trot, I know I am old, but you are ill-bred to -remind me of it, and as for this dear child!" And much to my horror and -entire discomfiture, he lifted me up and kissed me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> I did not get over -that, or escape the consequences of his ill-timed affection for a long -time, I promise you.</p> - -<p>But I am forgetting Mr Green, my employer. He kept an establishment -in Westbourne Grove for the manufacture and sale of paper patterns -of fashionable dresses. In those far-off days I think he must have -been a pioneer in this business, and I know he used to visit Paris -periodically, in order to obtain the latest modes; and returning with -them, his wife and her assistants reduplicated them in coloured paper, -which elaborate models were exhibited in a grand show-room and sold. -My business was to wear a fine suit of clothes with many silvered -buttons, and lie hidden in the hall to conduct clients upstairs to the -show-rooms, which was on the first floor over a shop. Another and more -important part of my duties was to carry parcels to clients' houses, at -which times I wore a shiny top-hat bedecked with silver braid. Indeed, -so fine was I that my old companions of the street forbore to guy me, -but paid me undisguised tribute of admiration for my splendour.</p> - -<p>At such times as I was not employed in public work as aforesaid, I -assisted the housemaid in her domestic duties, and was indeed a boy -of all work. But taking it all round, I had a good place, and but -for the one defect of never having any money of my own, I might have -remained there until I began to grow a beard. But I could not resist -the temptation of pilfering,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> because I had never anything of my own, -and so in spite of my comfort and ease I forfeited this good place, and -was suddenly kicked out. I had not yet, it will be seen, discovered for -myself that honesty was the best policy, and I was certainly not one -of those wonderful children of whom we read in prize-books that they -would starve rather than steal. I stole whenever I saw a favourable -opportunity, and when found out and made to suffer therefor, only -blamed my own stupidity in not taking more elaborate precautions.</p> - -<p>My next employment was at a chemist's, and my never ending wonder -is, that I am alive to tell of my experiences there. For it was a -large business, and they employed a light porter, a big boy of about -eighteen, to do the work I was too weak for; and this fellow led me on -to sample portions of the stock, which exercise on several occasions -nearly proved fatal to me. But my direst experience was not due to him -at all. I was sent one day with a basket containing six syphons of soda -to a client's house in Inverness Place, and at the corner of Inverness -Terrace, where it joins the Place, I, resting, saw a fellow errand-boy -approaching. After salutations, he suddenly caught sight of my burden -as I sat upon the handle of the basket, and immediately asked me why I -did not have a drink, and give him some. I, who knew nothing of syphons -and their peculiarities, scoffed at the idea. But he very seriously -gave me to <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span>understand that soda water was a kind of sublimated -lemonade, and that it was most easy to get out of these patent bottles, -which indeed were made for the purpose.</p> - -<p>I needed little persuasion to try the experiment, and so in a minute or -two behold me kneeling on the pavement, while that fiend, taking out -one of the syphons, inserted the spout in my mouth, and telling me to -draw hard, pulled the trigger! Merciful powers, shall I, can I, ever -forget the agony of that moment! I felt the impact of that surcharged -stream against my diaphragm, and simultaneously a regurgitating flood -seemed to be beating against my skull, while a double stream poured -down my nostrils. He, the miscreant, yelling with delight, dropped the -syphon on the pavement and fled, leaving me three parts dead, with a -charge against me of something like five shillings and sixpence for a -broken syphon. Fun to him doubtless, but to me!!!</p> - -<p>I must pass rapidly over several other adventures at that fatal shop, -such as my putting a handful of soft soap in my mouth in mistake for -honey, and exuding soapsuds from every pore for hours as it seemed, -eating greedily of ipecacuanha lozenges and worm tablets, both given me -by the light porter, with equally disastrous results, until one fateful -Saturday night came with the remark from the manager as he handed me my -four shillings and sixpence, that I was too volatile for his business, -and that as he did<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> not want a post-mortem on the premises, I had -better not trouble to return on Monday morning. Which valediction I -received as quite in keeping with the recognised scheme of things as -far as I was concerned.</p> - -<p>But I could not help feeling that a crisis in my affairs had arrived, -and I dared not return to my lodging with the now too familiar remark, -"I've got the sack," so forgathering with another boy, similarly -situated, I cut loose from such conventionalities as I had hitherto -preserved; and after a riotous expenditure of sixpence in fried fish -and chips and gingerbeer, we climbed the railings of Kensington -Gardens, and creeping like Indians through the gloom, ensconced -ourselves within the shrubbery by the Serpentine under a heap of plant -matting, and slept soundly till morning.</p> - -<p>That was the beginning of an Arab life in the great city, which, I -suppose, must have had a certain charm for me, in that it was made -up almost entirely of exciting episodes, tempered by the two salient -factors of cold and hunger. I can never remember being warm and -well fed together for more than an hour or two at a time, and those -occasions were so rare as to mark their occurrence indelibly as periods -to be reckoned from. I had no prevision, no ambition except to get -a good feed and a warm place to sleep, no anxiety save to avoid the -policeman, for the School Board Official was not yet in existence, nor -as far as I was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> aware, any other person whose business it was to look -after waifs and strays such as I was.</p> - -<p>Now, curiously enough, one fact stands out in great prominence for -which I cannot account at all. It will have been noticed that I had, to -put it mildly, no excessive scruples as to taking what did not belong -to me, if I thought I needed it; but one thing I would not, could not, -did not do, was beg. In the whole of that adventurous time of which -I am writing, and afterwards when I was stranded in strange places -between voyages in the early days, although I often suffered most acute -pangs of hunger, I never once asked alms. And that, I think, will be -found quite characteristic of the London street boy. It is a curious, -and, I think, not unsatisfactory feature in his make-up. But there is -no denying that we were all predatory in the highest degree. And this -habit grew upon us, well, I had better say me, in a case of this kind; -until when the lot fell upon me to do the "nicking" for the party, I -went and did it with the most natural air in the world.</p> - -<p>There was nothing melodramatic about it either, no stealthy dartings -from shadow to shadow with an occasional "hist, I am observed," so -dear to the old play-writers. Oh, no. For instance, it once fell to -me to "nick" something, and I have the most precise recollection of -walking deliberately into a large grocer's shop in Westbourne Grove, -its counter laden as usual with samples of goods for sale, and under -the nose of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> the dumfounded salesman, who had watched me enter, lifting -a large box of biscuits and retreating before he had even attempted -to clear the obstacles between us. And that was only a type of many -such adventures. Since, however, this recital tends to become highly -immoral, I will only quote one more instance which must even yet linger -in the memories of such of its participants as are still alive.</p> - -<p>There used to be a large sweet-stuff shop at the corner of Newton Road, -Westbourne Grove, which did a fine trade, and was very fully stocked. -One night, dared thereunto by some of my companions who had contributed -an extraordinary full and varied meal, I entered this shop and calmly -lifted a large glass off a side shelf, which contained five or six -pounds of chocolate in penny bars covered with silver paper. I took -no precautions whatever, beyond leaving the door wide open, nor did I -hurry. But upon emerging into the Grove I immediately turned up the -dark way of Newton Road, and whistled shrilly for my chums, who were -supposed to be keeping <i>nix</i>, although their idea of doing so was to -get as far away as possible in case of accidents.</p> - -<p>I found them all, however, in Kildare Gardens, which used to be reached -by a sort of paved alley way guarded by posts at each end, and was a -most select, silent, and quasi-aristocratic retreat. A veritable oasis -of quiet comfort just off the main artery of Westbourne Grove, then -beginning to be famous through the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> exertions of Mr W. Whiteley. And -we sat down on the kerb of the central garden in the dark to divide -the spoil. This being done, and each boy's pocket laden with chocolate -sticks, one uneasy wight raised the question, "What should we do with -the show-glass?" The obvious thing would have been to leave it there in -the dark, but when did boys affect the obvious?</p> - -<p>Then arose the genius of the party and propounded a scheme which made -us all cavort with delight (I have said that we were full fed). He -proposed that our quartette should advance upon the first house in that -utterly silent square, one member carrying the glass container, another -the cover, while the other two ascended the steps under the portico and -seized, one the knocker, and the other the bell. Then at a given signal -the glass must be hurled at the front of the house, the knocker banged, -the bell pulled as hard as might be, and—flight. This was at ten p.m.</p> - -<p>The instructions were carried out to the foot of the letter; and never, -not in a mutiny on board ship, or a coolie riot, have I heard so -infernal a row or seen so sudden an upheaval of temporarily mad people. -We four were also suddenly frantic, and in our mad flight up Kildare -Terrace, assisted the tumult by snatching at the bells at the garden -gates as we ran. But on arriving in the Talbot Road, breathless, we -halted, and alter a brief consultation, decided that we would return -and view the result. We did, and we were completely satisfied. The -gardens were full of people,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> each with a different theory, and the -majority clad in strange garb. We circulated and enjoyed ourselves -listening. But gradually the concourse melted away; and we, quite -happy, stole off to our various lairs.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER III</span> <span class="smaller">FREEDOM AND WANT</span></h2> - -<p>From the foregoing chapter the reader might hastily arrive at the -conclusion that I was certainly qualifying for inclusion in the ranks -of criminal classes, since I had arrived at the stages of committing -offences against the general peace and well-being without any adequate -reason, and had besides no conscience at all, or a conscience void of -offence, my only dread being the policeman. I don't know that such -a conclusion could be far from the truth, but I would plead that my -predatory instincts had been aroused through no fault of my own, and -had been fostered by the company into which I was inevitably cast. And -then a sudden check was put upon my career, quite by accident, and -I shot off at a tangent for a while into an entirely new branch of -business.</p> - -<p>I met a kind man one day, whose acquaintance I had made about a year -previously, quite by accident. I was hungry and despondent, having been -unable to find a chance job for nearly two days. He pitied me, and -helped me temporarily, but better still offered me employment. He was -a billiard-marker, who had<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> just taken a room at a big public-house at -Notting Hill, and he wanted a little cheap help such as I could give. -So next day I got my first lesson in billiard-marking, and proved, so -he said, a very apt pupil, so apt indeed, that by the end of the first -evening I could be trusted to mark without fear of my displeasing the -players, who, however, were seldom hard to satisfy. And in a week I was -as familiar with the whole atmosphere and <i>argot</i> of the billiard-room, -as if I had been at it all my life.</p> - -<p>Doubtless, to the moralist, I should have appeared to be in very great -danger, but I can only state what I know to be the fact, that although -the talk was almost incessantly of gambling, and a good deal of -drinking went on, I heard nothing in the way of language nearly as bad -as the women in the laundry used habitually, and I never saw any actual -drunkenness. Moreover, since I now always had money in my pocket, being -frequently tipped by the players, I had no temptation to pilfer, and -became suddenly and entirely honest, in act at any rate, if not from -conviction.</p> - -<p>And yet by the very irony of fate, I now for the first time fell -into the clutches of the law, and was terrified more than I had ever -been before. It happened in this way. Among the habitues of the room -was a man whom even I knew to be a sharper, a hawk, who preyed upon -other men's weaknesses and vices. He usually had some callow youth in -training, whom he fleeced until his victim found him out, or had no -more money<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> to spend. He was no welcome visitor, for my employer was -a very decent fellow, and hated swindling; but was constrained by the -necessities of his position to turn a blind side to much that was shady.</p> - -<p>Now our customers seldom came in until the evening, so the afternoon -was devoted to cleaning up and getting ready, or attending upon some -very rare chance customer. One day, at about 3 <span class="smaller">P.M.</span>, there -were three of us in the room, my employer, the sharper, whom we will -call Vivian, and myself. Vivian was idly knocking the balls about, just -killing time, while I was dusting, etc. Presently my employer said to -me, "When Mr Vivian goes, put the cover on, and run down to the —— -Hotel, and get the set of balls that the marker will hand you. You -needn't hurry, there will be nothing doing till six o'clock. I am going -out on business, and shall be back at seven." He then left, and a few -minutes after Vivian sauntered out also.</p> - -<p>I immediately covered the table, snatched my cap, came out, and locked -the room after me. I did my errand, loitering a good deal on the way, -but got back to the house about six. As soon as I entered the side -door, one of the barmen met me, and told me that I was wanted in the -bar parlour. I had never been into that sacred apartment. Indeed, I -hardly knew the landlord or landlady by sight. But I went, feeling -quite trembly, and was at once confronted by my employer, the landlord -and landlady, and a keen-looking <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>stranger, whom I instinctively shrank -from in dread.</p> - -<p>This latter personage at once began to examine me as to my movements -since I had left the house, so closely, that I felt more and more -afraid, in spite of my perfect innocence, that something was wrong. -But the landlady, a handsome, kindly woman, did her best to reassure -me, continually speaking comfortable words to me, and giving me a -glass of wine. I was gradually losing my fear and becoming indignant -at this cross-examination, when the door opened, and in burst another -of the frequenters of the house, a professional billiard-player, who -had evidently had quite as much drink as was good for him. He burst -into the conversation by attacking my tormentor, and expressing decided -views as to what he would do to any adjective detective who dared to -badger a boy of his. The terrible word detective almost paralysed me -with fright. I had always been afraid of a policeman raised to an -unknown power, and here I was obviously in the toils of one of that -dread fraternity.</p> - -<p>However, my warm and injudicious champion was speedily silenced by the -cold statement that it was none of his business, because between the -hours of 3 and 6 <span class="smaller">P.M.</span> the landlady's bedroom had been entered -and jewellery to the value of £70 had been stolen, and at present there -seemed to be no one upon whom suspicion could reasonably rest but me. -It was a terrible shock, but though my mouth felt full<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> of dust, and I -shivered as if naked to an east wind, I am glad to remember that I sat -silent and dry-eyed.</p> - -<p>However, there was nothing to be got out of me, and the matter was -compromised on the understanding that I was to go on with my work, -but on no account to leave the premises under pain of being instantly -locked up; and so it came about that for the next four days I lived in -luxury, I had a beautiful bed and the best of food, while the barmaids -and landlady, all firmly convinced of my innocence, showered caresses -and presents on me. Consequently I had no quarrel with my lot, nor did -I repine at not being able to go out. As to the suspicion which hung -over me, I declare I thought no more about it except when I caught the -detective's cold eye upon me, when I shivered involuntarily.</p> - -<p>On the fifth day, at about eight in the evening, we were quite busy, -when Mr Vivian, whom I had not seen for four days, suddenly walked -in. Instantly I recollected that I had forgotten to mention his -leaving the room on the fatal day just before I did. Then I was struck -by the amazing change in his appearance. He had always before been -shabby-genteel, but now the chrysalis had become a butterfly. He wore a -glossy new top-hat, a fur-lined coat, open to display a fashionably-cut -suit beneath, and patent leather shoes. He smoked a big cigar, and -twirled an elaborate cane. With a swagger that compelled attention, he -suggested pool and ordered drinks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> round, and several being willing, a -round game began.</p> - -<p>Then creeping up to my employer, who appeared as if hypnotised by this -gorgeous vision, I whispered my suspicions. Mr T.'s face lighted up, -and presently he slipped out of the room, returning with the detective. -There was no fuss; at the conclusion of the game the detective invited -Mr Vivian outside, and in the result, the affair being fully brought -home to him, he was sentenced to a long term of imprisonment. It -appeared that when he left the billiard-room on the day in question, -he had gone upstairs instead of down, the house being almost deserted, -and entering the first room on the next landing which stood open, he -had seen the landlady's jewellery lying on the dressing-table, had -promptly swept it up, and departed; and he would doubtless have escaped -scot-free on account of my stupidity in forgetting about his being -there at the time, but for the madness which had prompted him to return -and flaunt his fine feathers in his old haunts.</p> - -<p>I was considerably petted by all, and the landlady gave me five -shillings as well as many kisses. But, alas! only a short time -afterwards the house changed hands, and my good friend Mr T. being out -of employment, I, too, was once more cast upon my own resources, but -this time better off in respect of clothes than I had been for a long -time.</p> - -<p>I led an extraordinarily nomad life for the next<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> few weeks, just -keeping alive by doing any jobs that came along, but having my few -clothes that I had accumulated beyond my immediate wearing safely -stored with an old woman, who gave me a shelter when hard pressed, -but whom I did not trouble much. And then another acquaintance got -me a job on some new buildings that were being erected on the site -of an old rookery of tumbledown dwellings, what is now Clanricarde -Gardens, Notting Hill. It was an entirely new departure for me, but I -was somewhat versatile, and easily acquired the necessary details to -enable me to make a show at least at whatever I got a chance to do. -My first duty was as time-keeper, and my orders were to allow five -minutes' grace to laggards, of whatever class they might be. But here, -alas! my conscientious desire to obey my instructions soon made me an -object of detestation to everybody on the works except my employer. My -book, which I kept with the most rigid justice, was questioned by every -delinquent, and I was speedily given to understand that unless I turned -a blind eye to the clock, and allowed late comers to pass in without -making an entry against them in my book, my life would not only not be -worth living, but it was darkly hinted that it would be a very short -one.</p> - -<p>Then for the first time I learned how devoid of the most elementary -principles of justice was the average British workman. Turn a blind -eye to his failings and sing loudly his praises, he will laud you to -the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> skies, but only hint that he has his faults, and immediately you -are his enemy, to be pursued with relentless ferocity. It was a bitter -lesson, but I learned it thoroughly, and I can never forget the faces -distorted by passion, and the cruel threats weighted by terrible oaths -which were hurled against me on pay day, when "quarters" were stopped -on my evidence, merely because I did what I was told.</p> - -<p>I only held that position a fortnight, when, yielding to pressure, the -boss removed me and made me an assistant to a moulder of ornaments in -Roman cement for the fronts of the houses. This was dirty work, but not -very hard, and the moulder being an old soldier of the Mutiny time, -and garrulous in the extreme about his experiences, I was quite happy. -My wages were about eight shillings a week, and the hours from six to -six, with an hour and a half for meals, not at all severe. So, upon -reflection, I am inclined to think that this was the happiest of all -my boyish days ashore, always excluding of course the sheltered time I -spent under my aunt's roof.</p> - -<p>To my great sorrow this good time came to an end with the finishing -of the houses, and I was again adrift. And now let me say in deepest -gratitude, that through cold, hunger, wet, and sleeping out, I do not -remember ever ailing anything. True, I was stunted in my growth owing -to privation, but I was wiry, and except for the curse of bad teeth, I -do not think I ever had an ache or pain except the transient ones of -cold and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> hunger. But my great sorrow, continually haunting me, was the -fact that I never was able to get permanent employment. No sooner did -I seem to get settled and satisfied, than some catastrophe or other -would come along and heave me out into unattached desolation again. I -was like a homeless dog, ready to fawn upon any possible proprietor, -and gladly give up my hated freedom for the certainty of continuous -employment.</p> - -<p>Now I had heard many things about life at sea, for an uncle of mine, -whom I had not seen for years, had commanded ships for a long time, and -his remarks upon the sailor's life I had often drank in with greedy -care. Nothing that he ever said gave me the slightest desire to adopt -his career, for from my earliest recollection I had an analytical -mind, and I really had no desire to seek adventure at the cost of -all that most people consider makes life worth living. I am afraid -my bent was essentially bourgeois, strengthened and set as time wore -on and experience came to me. I felt that I could understand, dimly -perhaps but certainly, how boys who had never known a hardship, a want -unsupplied, should be led away by the glamour of what they read, but -how ever a boy who knew what the stress and struggle of life meant -ashore could go to sea knowingly, to encounter conditions far worse, I -did not understand.</p> - -<p>And now, for me at least, the explanation came. It was continuity -of employment. You might not like<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> your job, or your employer might -be entirely dissatisfied with you, but you were compelled to put up -with each other until the passage was over, at anyrate. This made -the prospect of sea-life tolerable to me. I was under absolutely no -apprehensions as to romantic adventure, for I was certainly not the -stuff of which adventurers are made. All my adventures had been forced -upon me, and I was never so happy as when I was under somebody's -command, if that somebody would only give me an encouraging word now -and then.</p> - -<p>So I determined to try and get to sea. But owing to my puny size I -found it very difficult. I was told that the easiest way to begin was -to hang about a certain public-house in Thames Street, whither coasting -skippers used to resort for their crews. It was just opposite the -Custom-House steps, and was called the King's Head (or Arms). A certain -individual, popularly known as Sam, who was, I suppose, a species of -crimp, was always in evidence and acted as go-between. To him came all -sorts of rough coasting skippers, masters of barges, of "billy-boys," -ketches and schooners, in quest of men and boys, and the latter looked -to him as their earthly providence.</p> - -<p>How he got paid I do not know, a certain commission from both sides -was paid him, I expect. The candidates were allowed to haunt a grim -den, a tap-room at the back of the public-house, where a good fire was -always blazing, and though dark and gloomy<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> in the extreme, it afforded -a shelter from the bitter blasts which swept down that grimiest of -London's business thoroughfares.</p> - -<p>I am afraid that it is impossible for me to attempt any adequate -description of the time I spent looking for a ship in this terrible -place. I had to live, and did, but how I hardly know, for so small -an urchin as I stood but little chance in the incessant struggle for -employment that went on down there. But I had learned to live upon -very little, and it is an incontrovertible fact that the stomach of -a young human being that has never known pampering can assimilate -food that should, theoretically, derange the digestion of an ostrich. -For instance, Fresh Wharf, Thames Street, was the rendezvous of many -steamers from Spain, laden with dried fruits, nuts, oranges, etc. In -the handling of cases, sacks, and other packages, there was a good -deal of breakage, and I could often snatch a few handfuls of currants, -nuts, raisins, etc. I always ate of them ravenously, in spite of their -copious admixture of dust and dirt, but even after devouring a couple -of pounds of currants I never remember feeling the slightest ill -effects.</p> - -<p>But when by some happy chance I managed to get hold of a few coppers, -there was a cook shop opposite the main entrance to Billingsgate Market -that never failed to attract me. Their specialité was pea-soup, which -was exposed most temptingly in a large tank in one of the windows. It -was sold at twopence a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> basin; but the half basin for a penny, not -being carefully measured, lacked very little of being full. Moreover, -to the initiate, there were degrees in the quality of this soup. It was -freshly made on Monday, and even then was good. On Tuesday, however, -the thick residue at the bottom of the tank remaining unsold was left, -and the usual ingredients for a fresh mess were added to it, making -it much richer and more substantial. On Wednesday, this process was -repeated, with the result that Wednesday's soup was a thick pureé in -which a spoon would stand erect, and he who could buy a penn'orth and -eat it with a ha'penny hunk of bread, could go in the strength of that -meal for twenty-four hours without any inconvenience. At least I can -say for myself that I very often did, and my appetite in those days -was terrible, abnormal. I really do not seem ever to have been fully -satisfied.</p> - -<p>One thing I have reason to be thankful for; my pilfering propensities -had almost entirely disappeared, for with the exception of an -occasional roll from a baker's shop, or some unconsidered trifle of -cheese or the dried fruit aforesaid, I never took what was not mine, -and when I did, it was only under the pressure of great hunger.</p> - -<p>Once I made a serious mistake which gave me a bitter pang, -disappointment so keen that I feel the sting of it even now sometimes. -I was ravenously hungry, and there seemed to be no possibility of -getting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> anything to eat. So diving down into the shell-fish market -beneath the main building of Billingsgate, I watched my opportunity, -and filled the breast of my shirt with whelks from a mighty tubful. -My booty secured, I hastened back to the gloomy tap-room, there to -devour my prize, but was immediately confronted with the difficulty of -extracting the whelks from their shells.</p> - -<p>I had often seen it done by the men who kept whelk stalls in the -streets, and it looked ridiculously easy. But I could not do it, and -I was fain at last to smash the shells, no easy task either. Then -clearing the mollusc from débris I tried to eat it, but it was quite -impossible, it was tougher than gutta-percha, and I realised that my -whelks were unboiled! These morsels require immense masticatory powers -to deal with them at any time, but uncooked they would defy the jaws of -a stone-crusher.</p> - -<p>So time passed, oh so slowly, and although I made frequent appeals to -Sam, he always looked at me indulgently, and told me to wait a bit. -And every day I saw men and boys being shipped, and practising the -recognised ritual, by virtue of which they were permitted to use the -public-house as a house of call. This consisted of receiving from the -skipper engaging them a shilling for handsel money, which coin was -always spent in two pots of beer and two screws of shag, which was -shared by all the waiting ones. It was of no use to me, for I neither -drank beer or smoked tobacco, but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> although I would have been glad to -take my share in coin, if only a ha'penny, that was not to be thought -of.</p> - -<p>One adventure befell me about this time, which left a most vivid -impression on me. Among the fellows who hung about looking to Sam -for a ship would be occasionally a big boy warmly clad in coarse -nautical clothing, and an indefinable air about him of being under -some invisible supervision. One of these fellows became quite friendly -with me, and at last in a burst of confidence informed me that he -had been in prison for some minor offence, and that by the bounty of -the authorities he had been clothed as I saw him, and every night a -shilling was given to him for his maintenance while looking for a -ship, which he was sure to get before long, because Sam had special -instructions on his behalf.</p> - -<p>One night my new found friend informed me that he was going to sea the -next day, and invited me to share his hospitality, with the special -inducement that I should be introduced to his sweetheart. I accepted -with grateful alacrity, and soon after dark I accompanied him to -the purlieus of Spitalfields to a rag-and-bottle shop kept by his -inamorata's father. The shop was frowsty and mildewy as these places -must be, and the old man might well have served Dickens as a model -for Krook, but he was very affable, and his buxom slatternly daughter -was obviously much in love with my companion. At any rate a feast of -fried fish and potatoes and bread were spread for us,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> and although our -surroundings savoured of the charnel-house, and the only light was from -a tallow dip in a ginger-beer bottle, I fully enjoyed my meal, not that -I got enough, but the razor edge was certainly taken off my hunger.</p> - -<p>After we had eaten, the old man sent me out for a quartern of gin, -which was diluted with hot water and sugar, and shared by the three—I -had some drink from the tap. Then the old merchant engaged my -attention with some, to me, absolutely unintelligible conversation, -while his daughter and her young man, seated upon a pile of mixed -coloured (rags), made ostentatious love to each other. It was all very -uninteresting to me, and I was growing weary of it, when at last Jem, -my friend, rose, and bidding his host and sweetheart good-night bade me -follow him.</p> - -<p>I went unquestioningly, he regaling me all the way with descriptions of -the great career which lay before him when he should marry Jemima, and -succeed to the old man's business—which to him apparently contained -the potentialities of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. But, oh the -weary trudge! I was ready to drop where I stood, when he turned and -went into a lodging-house in one of the slums of Westminster, paying -threepence each for us at a little office at the door. Thence we passed -into a large room with plain benches and tables, at which sat a large -number of rough-looking men, none of whom however took any notice of -us. There was an immense<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> kitchen range at one side of this room, -with a splendid fire blazing, and at the sides a number of kettles, -frying-pans, and gridirons.</p> - -<p>My companion then gave me sixpence and sent me out marketing. I bought -a ha'porth of tea and sugar (mixed), a farthing's worth of milk, a -penn'orth of butter, half a loaf (twopence), and two fine bloaters for -three halfpence, returning with my load and three farthings change. -We had a wash, made our tea, and thoroughly enjoyed an ample meal in -comfort, after which, so sleepy was I, that I could hardly sit up, -though I endeavoured to read an old newspaper. I had just whispered a -query to Jem as to whether I couldn't get to bed, when the door-keeper -came in and beckoned me, retreating at the same time towards the door. -I followed him, and when we reached his office he silently placed three -pennies in my hand, then said, "Get out o' this." I looked appealingly, -questioningly at him, but his stern face and pointed finger did not -invite delay, so I slunk out into the night and down to St James's -Park, where, climbing over the railings, I found a quiet spot in a -shrubbery, and laid me down to sleep; a little shivery, but quite easy -in my mind.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER IV</span> <span class="smaller">MY TRADE APPRENTICESHIP FINISHES</span></h2> - -<p>Undoubtedly there was a good deal of mystery about the proceedings -which closed the last chapter, but I was in those days very little -concerned with causes, I had enough trouble with results. So I did not -try to speculate, only feeling glad that my friend was evidently all -right. And after all I had spent a very pleasant evening, my belly -was nearly full, and I was threepence to the good. So why worry, more -especially as it was certain that any attempt at investigation on my -part could only lead to trouble for me, and I was ever anxious to avoid -trouble of any kind.</p> - -<p>In the course of the day I drifted down to the King's Arms again, but -saw nothing of my friend. So towards evening, I made bold to ask Sam if -he had seen him, and received the reply that he had sailed that morning -in a schooner for Spain. I have never seen him since, but I have not -been able to forget him.</p> - -<p>One never-failing source of amusement I had during this long weary -time, for even if hungry and cold<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> young things will try to play, was -in the Tower of London, into which I often dodged past the guards. I -was often caught and driven back, but that only whetted my appetite -for getting in. In my numerous visits I explored many portions of the -old building that visitors never see, and I had many a good meal given -me by the kind-hearted mess-cooks of the garrison. And by stealthily -joining myself on to parties of visitors, I went the rounds of all the -showplaces, into which entrance in those days could only be had by -payment, and was mightily amused at hearing the same old story told -with hardly an altered word by the "beef-eaters."</p> - -<p>I have mentioned this particularly, because opportunities for play -in that stern and dingy quarter of London were very few, and when I -got out of Thames Street for a brief space into the cloister-like -atmosphere of the Tower, I really did feel as if I was in another -world, and I never quite got rid of that eerie feeling when I was alone -in some unfrequented corner, that I was moving among a crowd of ghosts, -who in the past had suffered and died within those grim walls. One -night I found myself belated in the horse armoury, and as I could not -find my way out, and dared not call, for that I knew I had no business -there, I curled myself up in a snug corner and went to sleep, awaking -in the morning with the sun streaming into my eyes, and with a firm -determination to run no such risk again. I got in there by climbing -over a big gate with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> a cheval-de-frise on the top, and I got out the -same way without being observed. I suppose if I had been caught my -punishment would have been something mediæval, for the crime was, to -say the least of it, unusual.</p> - -<p>And now the grim fact began to thrust itself upon me without -possibility of mistake that it was hopeless ever to expect to get a -ship by doing as I was doing. The vessels that got their crews in this -way were all pitifully undermanned, and consequently whoever was chosen -for employment in one of them must of necessity be strong and inured to -hard work. Indeed, this choice was carried so far, that the skippers -invariably felt the hands of the candidates, and if they were not -calloused like the skin of a yam, the defect was fatal, supposing that -there was any competition. My hands were only felt once, and that more -I suspect as a matter of form, for nothing came of it.</p> - -<p>At last I asked Sam timidly if he really thought I stood any chance of -getting a ship there. He looked down at me as if he had just seen me -for the first time, pondered a moment (but about nothing I am sure), -then suddenly remembering my question, said, "Oh no, not till you've -a-growed a bit. You better stow-away." I said, "Thank you, sir," and -moved off fully determined, whatever happened, not to stow-away. Going -to sea, I thought, was bad enough in any case, but from what I had -heard stowaways stood a good chance of getting first a good hammering, -then<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> a tremendous lot of hard work, and very little food, and prison -at the journey's end. It was a programme that did not appeal to me.</p> - -<p>Nevertheless, it was with a sinking heart that I turned away from -Thames Street that night. I felt that I could not hold my own in the -rough and tumble life of the streets much longer, and I craved with all -my heart and soul for a master. I know that there are boys who, even -in good homes, have the nomad instinct so strongly implanted that they -cannot be contented anywhere, will endure, nay, embrace voluntarily all -kinds of privation, so long as they may vagabondise, but I was not one -of them. My early training was all against it. I longed for a home, -and to have some one in authority over me, although I could not help -admitting to myself that I had not made the best of my chances, such as -they were.</p> - -<p>But as the darkest hour is just before the dawn according to the adage, -so when my prospects of getting to sea were at what appeared to be the -lowest ebb, I suddenly bethought me of the possibility of finding my -uncle, whom I have before alluded to as being master of a ship. More by -accident than design, I discovered him, and although he was evidently -not overjoyed to see me he agreed to take me to sea with him at the -wage of five shillings per month.</p> - -<p>Of my early experiences at sea, I have told at length in the "Log of a -Sea Waif," and therefore I cannot repeat them here. I can only point -out that there<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span> seemed to be a fatality about the matter, something -working against my becoming a seafarer, since I was shipwrecked on my -first voyage and landed in Havana, where, because of the old trouble, -my puny size, I could not get a ship, and consequently I returned to -one of my old employments, namely, that of billiard-marker. It was at -the Hotel St Isabel in the Plaza de Armas, and here for some months -I led a very happy if entirely demoralising life for one so young. I -received no wages, but the best of food and lodging, and the tips given -me by the frequenters of the billiard-room were so many that I always -had plenty of money.</p> - -<p>But strangely enough, although I certainly ought to have known the -value of money from my previous training, now being provided liberally -with all I needed, I made no attempt to save, but distributed my wealth -among the sailors at the port, with whom I always forgathered when not -on duty. Thus it came about that when I was one day taken charge of by -the Consul again, and after he had scolded and threatened me for some -time, because, as he said, I had dared to remove myself from his care -without his permission, I was entirely penniless.</p> - -<p>He put me on board a vessel bound for home via Mobile, Alabama, and -when I reached Liverpool I was not merely penniless, I was almost -naked, and it was winter. I had no claim upon anybody for wages, no -knowledge of where to go, and I felt as if the fates had indeed been -unkind to me. But I found a good<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> Samaritan in the guise of a poor -woman, who kept a small eating-house, and she took me in and allowed -me to work for my keep. And thus I added one more to my smattering -of trades, that of waiter; the maid-of-all-work part I was very -well versed in. It was all the kinder of her, because the business -was hardly substantial enough to support even the slight additional -burden which I placed upon it. Our principal trade was with the -poverty-stricken dock-labourers, whose orders were usually for a -basin of broth at a penny and a ha'porth of bread, except when flush, -they were able to treat themselves to a twopenny plate of potato-pie. -Everybody seemed to be bitterly poor, and it was little wonder to -me that when a sailor just paid off did happen to come in and show -the gleam of gold, eyes grew wolfish and fingers involuntary crooked -themselves.</p> - -<p>I had not been there more than a couple of months, when my mistress -gave me clearly to understand that I must be off, for she could not -support me any longer; although God knows I did work hard for every -mouthful I ate (and I was never stinted). Then chance threw in my -way an opportunity of trying yet another trade, that of carver of -ornamental wood work for ship decoration. The workshop was next door, -and I had made the proprietor's acquaintance through running in there -occasionally for chips. But I do not think I should ever have dreamed -of asking him for employment, if my mistress had not one day, when in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> -conversation with him, mentioned that she was going to start me off. -In the goodness of his heart he offered me employment, and I leaped at -the offer. I started work the very next morning, for my keep, though -what he paid my late mistress I never knew. I was an apt pupil, and he -was very kind, so that I soon became quite useful to him. I learned -to sharpen the multitude of tools he used, and also to rough out with -mallet and chisel the carvings that he and his brother finished off.</p> - -<p>It was congenial and pleasant work, and I felt as if at last I had -found my groove, and that I was destined to be a wood-carver. But -alas my evil genius was on my track. I pleased my employer too well. -So well indeed, that his brother, older than he, but a journeyman -under him, became violently jealous of me, and lost no opportunity of -showing his dislike. That, however, did not trouble me much, except -when my boss was away, which was seldom, because under his benevolent -eye I was entirely happy and stimulated to do my very best. Even at -this great lapse of time I remember with a glow at my heart, how -gently he reproved me for the mistakes I made, how warmly he praised -me whenever I was able to do exactly what he wished me to do, and I -have no recollection whatever of his ever being harsh, unjust, or even -inconsiderate.</p> - -<p>He had many odd jobs of repairing to do, the ornamental work on ship's -bows and sterns was always getting knocked away when coming into or -going out of dock;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> and generally it had to be repaired <i>in situ</i>, only -the worst damage being worked over in the shop and then taken down -and fitted on. There was something to me very delightful in sitting -alongside him on a precarious-looking stage overhanging the black water -in a dock, listening to his cheery remarks, his clear tenor as he sang -snatches of song, or his whistle, melodious as a skylark's. He never -seemed to be weary or discouraged, or ill-tempered; and I know that I -rendered him all the loving homage of which I was capable.</p> - -<p>It was often bitterly cold as we swang on our stages in those exposed -positions, but it never seemed to affect him, his blows with the -chisel upon the intricate design before him never seemed to vary their -certitude or his patience, to falter, even when a cross-grained piece -of wood did fly and spoil the pattern. And then how delightful at -meal times, when we were too far from home to go thither for food, to -accompany him to some cosy cook-shop, and eat with him, treated just as -his son, I was going to say, only unhappily I know that he treated me -far far better than many fathers treat their sons.</p> - -<p>Unfortunately as the time went on it became increasingly evident that -this present happiness of mine was drawing rapidly near its end. The -brother of whom I spoke was a most morose and sullen man, a very poor -workman, who could never be trusted to do a job properly, not I should -say lazy, but <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span>incapable of doing good work, and fully conscious of -the fact. He would not have earned his salt anywhere, but his good -brother kept him on out of charity. Now my presence there annoyed him, -and whenever I was left alone with him he used to give me a very bad -time. And when his brother returned he always made an evil report of -my behaviour, but I had the satisfaction of feeling that he was not -believed, as indeed he did not deserve to be.</p> - -<p>At last, however, the matter culminated in this way. The boss was -working upon one of the African boats, and had left me with his brother -to do some cross-cut sawing. Now every one should know that this is -heavy work even for practised men, and when a boy of thirteen and a man -of thirty are working together, the man ought to remember the disparity -between their ages and strength. But this only gave my small-witted -enemy his opportunity, and when I had perforce to stop from fatigue he -burst into a flood of sarcastic swearing. When he paused for breath, I -made some injudicious reply, and was immediately sent flying across the -shop by a blow on the side of the head. Smarting with pain I snatched -up a mallet, and flung it at the coward with all my strength, and I am -glad to say it landed on his nose, even though my successful shot was -productive of much serious trouble for me.</p> - -<p>Then I bolted from the place, for I feared that he would kill me, as -indeed I daresay he would have done<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span> had I remained. That evening -my good friend came into the cook-shop, and found me sitting white -and trembling, waiting for him. He was as usual very kind, though he -reproved me gravely for having broken his brother's nose. But when he -asked me if I wasn't sorry for having done it, I gladly remember that I -truthfully told him no. A ghost of a smile gathered around his mouth, -but shaking his head he went on to say, "I'm terribly sorry to part -with you, Tommy, for I had got very fond of you, but I've got to choose -between you and my brother, and I can't turn him off. He swears he will -murder you when he sees you, so you'll have to go. Poor little boy, I -do hope you'll get something else soon." And with that he pressed half -a sovereign into my hand, and went away.</p> - -<p>I need not enlarge upon the fact of its being a terrible blow to me, -nor apologise for shedding a good many hot tears after he was gone, -because he was the first person during my independent career who had -satisfied my burning desire to be loved. I felt that he was fond of me, -and knew that his lightest word of commendation was more precious to -me than any treasure would have been. I glory in the knowledge that he -never once had to scold me for anything but mistakes. I did try with -all my heart and soul to please him, because I loved him, and now I had -lost him. And the wide world before me again looked very unsympathetic -and dreary.</p> - -<p>Somehow Liverpool seemed very distasteful to me.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> My weary wanderings -around the docks, and the continual unsuccess I had met with in looking -for a ship, had made me feel as if I might possibly do better in my own -big village, and I realised that I now possessed the means of getting -back to it again. So the next morning I bade farewell to Mrs Dickey, my -landlady, who was quite unmoved at the parting, for she was very angry -with me for getting the sack, as she termed it, and toddled off to Lime -Street, where I had no difficulty whatever in getting a half ticket to -London, nor felt troubled because after paying for it I had only 1s. -7½d. left out of my precious half-sovereign.</p> - -<p>I must not omit to mention that Mrs Dickey gave me a big hunk of bread -and cheese when I told her that I was going to London, but she did -not give me a kiss, which I should have prized far more, for I was an -affectionate little chap, and was starving for love. But, poor woman, -she was heavily burdened, and no doubt was heartily glad to get rid of -me, although I cannot think that she had ever been out of pocket by me, -for I certainly earned my keep. Still she did not want me, so there is -no more to be said.</p> - -<p>It was a glorious spring day, and the novelty of my first long train -journey made me forget all my troubles. Moreover, I felt full of -importance to think that I was a passenger by that great train. Every -inch of that journey was full of interest to me. I had a seat by the -window, and my eyes fairly ached with the intensity of my gaze out over -the beautiful country of which,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> until then, I had seen practically -nothing. I remember that I spoke to no one, and no one spoke to me, -though several of my fellow-passengers must have wondered who or what -was the ill-clad urchin who sat so quietly and gazed so intently at the -flying landscape.</p> - -<p>I was quite sorry when the train arrived at Euston, and I had to -march out into the mean net-work of streets which surround the badly -situated station, for now I began to wonder what I should do in the -vast city which was my birth-place, but in which I had no friends or -abiding-corner. It was all so familiar, and yet so inhospitable. Had -I only known where to look, there were many places where I could have -found shelter and help, but for lack of that useful knowledge, how many -wanderers like myself have died?</p> - -<p>One thing I felt certain of, which was that I could not now take my -place among the ranks of my former companions, I could not compete with -them for sale of papers, or the numerous odd jobs that boys can do. For -one thing I had never been much of a pusher—I was always more ready to -stand aside than to press forward in the race for a job, though willing -enough to take one if I got the chance—and for another, I had lost the -sense of familiarity with those conditions of life ashore, while the -new experience I had gained was here of no use to me.</p> - -<p>Therefore I made no effort in this direction, but after wandering -aimlessly about until I was dog tired, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> went down the West India Dock -Road until I came to a house with the legend painted up—"Seamen's -Boarding House," and knocked at its door with my heart thumping -furiously. A terrible looking man with a great grizzled beard and a -voice like a foghorn came to the door and looked at me in silence. I -swallowed nothing once or twice, then taking out my discharge from -my last ship, which I had treasured as if it were a bank-note for a -hundred pounds, I said, "Please, Sir, may I stay here. I want a ship -and I've got a good discharge. I'll pay you out of my advance if you'll -get me a ship." He growled.</p> - -<p>"Wher's yer dunnage (clothes)?" I answered faintly, "I've got none, -I was shipwrecked." He hesitated for a moment, then rumbled, "come -inside," and with my heart leaping, I went into a stuffy front parlour, -where sat two or three men, obviously ill at ease, and a fat pale faced -woman who was looking fixedly in the fire. Taking me by the shoulder, -the boarding-master led me up to the woman saying—</p> - -<p>"Here, mother, here's an able seaman wants to stop here. He's got no -clothes and no money, but he says he'll pay me out of his advance note."</p> - -<p>Then I saw with a wave of pity that she was blind. She turned at the -voice and put out both hands, touching me and feeling me from my -forehead down to my waist.</p> - -<p>"Why, Bill," she cried, "its only a child, a poor little boy," and with -a motherly movement she drew<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> me to her, and felt me all over again. -Then she asked me many questions, all of which I answered with absolute -truth, for there could be no reason why I should not. And at the -conclusion of her examination I was entered on the books of the house -as a boarder, while the master went growling about saying that at this -rate he would soon be in the workhouse. But the old lady kept me by -her side and whispered that it was only Mr Jones's fun, he didn't mean -anything by it, and that he would surely do his best to get me a ship -soon.</p> - -<p>This was true, for though he was always grumpy, and given to regaling -his boarders at meal times with lugubrious forebodings of his speedy -entrance to Poplar Workhouse, with victuals at the price they were and -so many hungry outward-bounders to feed, I know he did his best for me; -did it so well, that in five days from entering his house I obtained -a ship as boy with a wage of twenty-five shillings per month, to my -intense surprise. I received, like the rest of the crew, a note for a -month's advance, which I handed over to him at once. Out of this he -gave me a small supply of most necessary clothes bought second hand, so -that he must have dealt with me not merely honestly but in a spirit of -generosity.</p> - -<p>And now I come to the close of my shore apprenticeship, as it may -be termed, for although I had a very severe time upon my return to -Liverpool from that voyage (again shipwrecked), I never again but once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> -had a job ashore until I left the sea as a profession finally. That -time I spent upon a farm in New Zealand, and although it certainly had -its comic side, I was such an utterly complete failure at it that I -blush now when I think of the figure I made. Fortunately it did not -last long, about two months, and in spite of my colossal ineptitude I -really think I earned all that I received, which was my keep and a pair -of boots.</p> - -<p>Not indeed that I could have claimed to have been a shining success in -any of the various commercial paths wherein I had strayed, more or less -painfully, but I must plead that I was very young, and entirely without -the guidance which youngsters have a right to expect from their elders. -And now I must make a jump of a great many years, to the time in fact -when relentless need drove me into commercialism again. And with this -what I suppose I must call the serious part of my narrative begins.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER V</span> <span class="smaller">INTO TRADE IN SPITE OF MYSELF</span></h2> - -<p>Splendid and universal as are the attainments of seamen, it is only the -bare truth to say that one of the rarest qualifications to find among -them is commercial aptitude. There are, of course, notable exceptions, -and in the days when masters and officers of vessels were allowed to -add to their income substantially by trade with the natives of the -countries which they visited, and were granted a certain amount of -space in the hold wherein to store the merchandise they bought, the -trading instinct must have been fairly general. Indeed there are not -wanting cynics at sea to-day, who will tell you that what with the -slop-chest, tobacco selling, and the outrageous rates of exchange, -many a deep water skipper of a sailing ship could give points to an -Armenian. And the latter is supposed by sailors to be equal in, let us -call it trading power, to five Parsees, one of whom again equals five -Jews.</p> - -<p>But I do not think this is fair. It does not follow that a man is a -born trader because he can sell necessaries to people who must have -them from him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> or go without, and cannot go without. It only argues -lack of conscience on the part of the seller. And to expect, without -lack of competition, the same characteristics would, I am afraid, -be indicative of a weak mind. At any rate I am quite certain that, -speaking generally, a sailor when he comes ashore is helpless in the -hands of business people, and that it is a very long while before he is -able to think their thoughts and walk in their ways.</p> - -<p>So when I first settled down ashore to steady employment in an -office at a fixed salary of £2 per week, after fifteen years of -irresponsibility as regards domestic affairs, I quickly learned that -I was very callow indeed in those matters. My first false step was in -buying furniture, wherewith to make a home, on the hire system. It -must be remembered that I had a wife and one child, but that I was -practically beginning a new life. And I did so by hanging round my neck -a burden of debt which I did not get rid of for fifteen years, and -then—but I must not anticipate the regular sequence of my story.</p> - -<p>The next was to take a house. I had tried apartments several times, but -something always went wrong, I was always made to feel that I was only -in the house on sufferance, and being an enthusiast for peace, I always -moved rather than have a row. But moving as a fairly regular experience -is apt to pall upon one. It costs a good deal of money even when you -hire the local greengrocer's van and horse<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> at one and sixpence an -hour, and it is very hard work, for unless you buckle to and do the -lion's share yourself, you find at nightfall that you have just got in, -you have parted with the bulk of your savings, and the best part of a -heavy night's work is before you, putting up bedsteads and reducing the -chaotic heap of your belongings to a condition in which you can find -what you want within reasonable distance of the time that you want it.</p> - -<p>For this and other reasons which I need not now specify I decided to -take a house. I satisfied myself that by letting the floor below and -the floor above the one I intended to keep for ourselves at the current -rate in the neighbourhood, carefully ascertained beforehand, that I -should live rent free or nearly so, and of course in a neighbourhood -like that it was unthinkable that I should ever be empty. I mean the -house of course. By which process of reasoning I demonstrated that I -possessed one of the prime requirements of a tradesman—hope that my -venture would be justified by the profit on my outlay.</p> - -<p>But, alas, I was not made of the fibre necessary in order to be a -successful sub-landlord. By the end of the first year of my tenancy -I had come to the conclusion that I was a known mark for all the -undesirables in the neighbourhood. If a tenant was clean he was utterly -unreasonable, looking upon me as his bond-slave, and his right to do -as he liked indefeasible, even though it might be destructive to my -peace of mind<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> or rest of body. And his one argument in reply to any -remonstrance was, "I pay my rent and can go where I like. And don't you -interfere with me."</p> - -<p>Amiable tenants found excuses for non-payment of rent or were dirty. -One I remember brought a sofa into the house the stuffing of which -I think must have been mainly bugs. I learned of this by the house -becoming infested beyond belief, and seeing hordes of these odoriferous -insects coming downstairs. This led to my making enquiries, when the -origin or hotbed was found to be the sofa aforesaid. Nothing could have -been more amiable than the manner in which my mild remonstrances were -received or more suave than the manner in which my modest request for -a small contribution towards the heavy expense of getting the house -cleansed and fumigated was denied.</p> - -<p>Other lodgers smilingly avowed their inability to pay their rent, and -playfully urged me to get it if I could. Others fought furious battles -overhead, or engaged in gymnastic exercises which brought the ceilings -down, or contracted an offensive and defensive alliance with each other -(the top and bottom floors), with the avowed object of making us "sit -up," in which I may add they were surprisingly successful.</p> - -<p>I do not say that I never had a desirable or satisfactory tenant, -because I had several, but alas, I never had two sets of desirable -tenants at the same time. And one of the nicest families I ever let -my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> ground floor to, seven in number, developed scarlet fever and gave -me perhaps more anxiety and put me to more expense than all the rest -put together. Taking them all round though, I can see there was ample -copy among them for a book on queer tenants. There were the widow -and her two daughters, aged respectively seventeen and fourteen. The -latter used to take turn about to beat their mother, and the screams -would at once attract a crowd, for it was a populous street. Then -when I interfered, the whole three would turn upon me, the mother -fiercest of all, and threaten me with unheard of penalties for daring -to interfere with their <i>menus plaisirs</i>. There was a fine specimen -of a British working man, who for six days of the week was a credit -to his country; clean, punctual, honest, and hard working. But on -Saturday night he invariably got partially drunk, and after eleven -<span class="smaller">P.M.</span> amused himself until about 1 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span> by stamping -heavily up and down stairs, along the passage, past my door, out of the -front door, slamming it behind him with great violence, immediately -re-entering and repeating the performance, and all the time uttering -the most bloodthirsty and blasphemous threats against me. Me! who -never exchanged a word with him, and against whom I could have had -no possible ground of complaint, except perhaps that he, being a -socialist of the Keir Hardie or Will Crooks type, was bound to show his -resentment for having to pay me rent. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> - -<p>But I must not multiply instances, though the temptation to do so is -very great, but pass on to what must have appeared to the reader to be -the inevitable result. I got behind with <i>my</i> rent. Worry began to prey -upon me, to gnaw my vitals, and make me look almost despairingly around -for some means of earning more money. Fortunately for me, my landlord -was a kind hearted tradesman, who had a splendid business of his own, -and who had invested some of the profits in this house which I rented. -I paid my rent direct to him, and always met with the most kindly -consideration short of letting me off paying altogether, which I could -not expect.</p> - -<p>Unhappily, however, his kindness led to the inevitable result. He -became my last resource. Creditors who would not wait got paid while -he continued to wait. Finding that he would take excuses and grant -delays which no one else would, I grew to depend upon him, and what was -worse, to feel aggrieved because others were not like-minded. It is -a vicious circle in which an enormous number of people travel, but I -think it will be found that the majority of them are too soft-hearted -to insist upon their own dues being paid them promptly, and are always -filled with wonder that their creditors are not actuated by the same -benevolent sentiments.</p> - -<p>Meanwhile, if the charge of unbusiness-like and soft-hearted habits -could justly have been laid to my charge, extravagance certainly could -not. I lived<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> personally poorer than any day labourer, scarcely ever -tasting meat except on Sunday, and then only the cheapest and coarsest -parts of the animal, which my skill in cookery rendered palatable in -stews and curries to all of us. I walked to and fro to business—a -matter of ten miles—daily, and never spent a penny for anything but -absolute necessaries. My sole recreation was in open air meetings for -religious purposes, which to me were theatre, circus, and concert all -in one. Yet I grew steadily poorer, and as to saving, well, the only -possible means of doing that was by insuring my life, which I am glad -to say I did to the amount of ten shillings a month, the utmost I could -spare.</p> - -<p>I only mention these few details to show how I was being steadily -thrust in the direction of doing something outside my regular office -work, something to utilise the time which I felt was being wasted. My -long sea-training had made me an early riser, indeed I could get up -cheerfully at any time (and can still), and nothing was more irksome to -me than lying abed after my body was satisfied with rest. I used to get -up at most unearthly hours in the summer and go long walks with a book, -and lie and read after I came home at night until I could see no more. -Yet, thank God, I am writing this in a minute hand at the age of fifty, -without spectacles or feeling the need of them.</p> - -<p>Constantly the thought would intrude itself, "why can't I get something -to do during the hours I am free from the office and don't want to -sleep?" My fellow-clerks, <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>with but very few exceptions, had outside -employment, but this was usually literary, and for that I felt I had -neither aptitude nor training. Mechanical bent I felt sure I had none, -for I could hardly drive a nail or put a screw in without spoiling the -head. In short, I felt that I was a drug in the market, a passable -seaman perhaps, but I had thrown that employment behind me for ever, -and now I was a very mediocre <i>junior</i> clerk, getting on into middle -age and being reminded of my deficiencies—which, alas, I knew only too -well—every day by my superiors.</p> - -<p>Since these are confessions, shall I be blamed for saying that I prayed -for extra work? Well, anyhow I did; prayed as fervently as some people -do at certain crises for forgiveness of sin. You all know that I was -what is called very religious, that is to say, I lived an exceedingly -narrow life, looking upon all amusements as snares of the devil, and -consoled myself continually, for the loss of all that my fellows seemed -to prize in this world, by the thought of the glories of immortality. -Happily, I did not condemn all who differed from me in my theological -concepts to an eternity of unmentionable agony, because although this -was insisted upon as a cardinal item in their belief by the people -with whom I associated, my heart or brain or feelings—or my thinking -gear—simply would not let me do so. In fact, I felt that such an -idea of the God I believed in was blasphemy. And my freely expressed -opinions led to my being excommunicated<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> in due form from several -bodies of Christians with whom I worked.</p> - -<p>Yes, I did pray for some means of earning a little extra money, but -at the same time I was acutely conscious of my lack of ability to do -anything that employers of overtime men had any use for. Anything in -the way of manual labour was of course out of the question, while as -to canvassing! With shame I confess that I did try one or two of the -specious advertisements in the daily papers, which promise so much -and perform so little. But I speedily found that at soliciting custom -from door to door I should starve. I was too sensitive. So far from -realising the ideal of never taking no for an answer, which was always -held up to me, a glum look, or a door slammed in my face, was enough to -put me off my business for a whole evening. I realised then, as I had -never done before, the terrible truth of Longfellow's lines, long as -they had been graven in my heart—</p> - -<div class="center"><div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<div>"Who amid their wants and woes,</div> -<div>Hear the sound of doors that close,</div> -<div>And of feet that pass them by.</div> -<div>Grown familiar with disfavour,</div> -<div>Grown familiar with the savour</div> -<div>Of the bread by which men die!"</div> -<div class="i8">"The Legend Beautiful."</div> -</div></div></div> - -<p>But I realised also that whatever my sentimental feelings on the matter -might be, the need of earning something extra grew not merely none the -less, but ever more pressing. Yet nothing seemed to present<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> itself, -nor were there any of my acquaintances able to throw anything at all -in my way. At last a small chance came, a curious little eddy in one -of the backwaters of life, and I, ready for anything that I could do, -seized it. A friend of mine used to add to his income by selling to -his fellow-clerks such small articles of jewellery or fancy goods as -he could obtain at wholesale price, taking payment for them weekly -or monthly as the case might be. He was also Agent for several other -concerns such as Insurance Companies, photographers, etc., and finally -finding that he had more on his hands than he was able to do, and -attend to his clerical work as well, he decided to give up that part -of his outside work that was least profitable and imposed the greatest -amount of extra work upon him. This was the fancy goods business.</p> - -<p>This he offered to me with his connection both for buying and selling, -and full explanation as to profits, etc. He did not certainly go so -far as to supply the capital, but he did everything else that he could -in order that I might start fair. Given a small amount of capital, the -business was simple enough. Having once obtained the entrée to certain -large wholesale firms in Houndsditch and its neighbourhood, anything -comprised within the enormous range of articles known as "fancy" could -be purchased for cash at wholesale prices, even in one twelfth of a -dozen, or "one only" as the trade term goes. And often an article from -a "clearing line," or goods which have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> been in stock longer than -they ought to have been, and were clamouring to be dispersed, could -be purchased for a sum which certainly did not represent the cost of -the raw material of the manufacture, to say nothing of the skilled -workmanship lavished upon it.</p> - -<p>Goods were never bought on speculation, my capital would not admit of -that; indeed I often borrowed a few shillings for the purpose of buying -an ordered article, so that I was almost completely debarred from -taking advantage of these "clearing line" opportunities. No, I bought -when I had an order say for £1. I delivered the article and accepted -three sums of ten shillings each on successive monthly pay days. Now, -at first blush and remembering that I took no risk, this may seem an -exorbitant profit, but I found in practice that it was not so, and that -many retail establishments where goods are sold for cash charge quite -as much for similar goods as I did. Still, I am not apologising, I am -merely stating facts.</p> - -<p>I did a strictly limited and non-expanding business for many reasons, -but principally because although I developed a fine business aptitude -as far as the mere buying and selling went, I had no notion of -accumulating a little capital—there were so many crying needs to be -supplied at home that I could not turn a deaf ear to them when I had -a little money made out of office hours like this, and assume that I -had not got it at all. Also, because I dared not incur any risks, my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> -customers had to be confined to those of my acquaintances whose affairs -were almost as well known to me as my own.</p> - -<p>But timid and tentative as these little excursions of mine into -trade were, they were laden with instruction and interest; yes, -and occasionally a fair amount of amusement was obtained also. For -instance, most of the wholesale dealers whom I patronised were Hebrews, -and I, having like all sailors associated Jews generally with the -distinctively evil types of the ancient race who flourish in sailor -towns as tailors and boarding masters, was at first inclined to be very -shy and cautious in my dealings with them. Before long, however, I -made two curious discoveries. One was that the Jews whom I now met in -business were kindly, straightforward, honest, and hospitable, in fact -quite unlike my preconceived notions of Jews. The other was perhaps a -partial explanation of the former—wherever I went among them I was -taken for a Jew myself! At first my silly prejudices led me rather to -resent this; but I have always felt proud of an open mind, and after -considering the matter carefully, I came to the conclusion that the -mistake was rather a compliment than otherwise.</p> - -<p>Now, as far as I know or can ascertain, the records of the old Dorset -family from which I am descended contain no reference to any admixture -of Jewish blood, and so although I am a firm believer in transmitted -physical and mental characteristics, I am <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>compelled to believe that -this Hebraic cast of features is either accidental or is a throw back -to some remote ancestor. Be that as it may, I reaped a very definite -benefit from my Jewish physiognomy, in that I had never any difficulty -in getting my tiny orders filled at any Jewish wholesale house, and if -one firm could not supply me I was at once passed on to another who -could. Here also I may pause for a moment to point out, that during -my recent visit to Australia and New Zealand, I was always sought -after and made much of by the Jewish community, which is very highly -respected and powerful in those distant colonies. And when I laughingly -used to disclaim any tribal connection they invariably assured me that -it really did not matter, because even if I was a true Goy or Gentile, -I had so many traits in common with the best of Israel that I might -well be accepted as one of the Sephardim.</p> - -<p>Well, this digression is merely to show how, in those feeble attempts -at trade, I was curiously helped and interested in this strange by-way. -But undoubtedly had I been a true son of Israel I should have become -a successful merchant, for I had every encouragement to launch out -except capital—and I now think that even that essential might have -been forthcoming had I chosen to seek it. I did not, but contented -myself with endeavouring to fill such small orders for bags, workboxes, -christening sets, clocks, cheap watches and chains, etc., as came -my way, gaining in the process<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> a great amount of insight into the -workings of business of a certain kind.</p> - -<p>One curious discovery I made which was of great service to me on -several occasions. (I hope the term "great" will be understood as -relative to my small affairs, in which shillings loomed as important -as hundreds of pounds to some people, and where a penny tram or bus -ride often meant a considerable shortage in a meal.) Of course I was -not very long ashore before I became familiar with the working of -the poor man's bank, the much abused pawnbroker. Many a time in dire -distress through sickness or some other sudden strain I have blessed -the means whereby a temporary loan could be effected without straining -the resources of a friend, or risking a rebuff from some one I thought -friendly. It is commonly supposed among people comfortably off that -only drunkards and shiftless people support pawnbrokers. Ah, well, a -great many other suppositions of a similar kind are made by those who -do not know, but I can assure them that were it not for the pawnbroker -pauperism would be much greater than it is.</p> - -<p>I go farther and declare that it preserves the borrower's self-respect, -in that he need not cringe to those who may be temporarily better off -than he is, as long as he has any portable property that a pawnbroker -will look at, while the possession of such articles proves that he has -had foresight and been thrifty when it was possible for him to be so. -Better<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> means might doubtless be devised for the assistance of the -temporarily embarrassed worker without robbing him of his self-respect, -but until they are, it is cruel as well as foolish to slander the -pawnbroker.</p> - -<p>And now for the curious discovery. On one occasion I had purchased -a watch and chain for a customer, and had borrowed some money to -make up what I lacked of the price of the articles. My customer had -a misfortune which prevented him from keeping his bargain, and in -consequence I was left with the goods on my hands, and no means of -repaying the loan. In my extremity I turned to a pawnbroker of my -acquaintance and asked him to lend me as much as he could upon the -watch and chain. He asked me if I was likely to redeem them, and I -frankly answered no. Thereupon he lent me within a couple of shillings -of the price I had paid for them, and as I soon afterwards sold the -ticket for five shillings, I made a small profit on the transaction.</p> - -<p>But this side line I could not feel was legitimate trade, and so, -although I was several times driven to avail myself of this knowledge -to meet a sudden emergency, I never attempted to use it except when -compelled. Another thing, I was never tempted, as I have known traders -to be, to pawn goods which, being unpaid for, were really not my own. -This was because I had no credit from anyone except from the landlord -and the Furnishing Company, and I found<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> that burden heavy enough in -all conscience. But I have known a woman working for a wholesale mantle -house, and employing a dozen other women, to make up goods and pawn -them to pay her workers, take a portion of the order in and get more -material out, and so on in a vicious circle, with what wear and tear -of mental and moral fibre no one could possibly guess. No wonder the -lunacy rate rises.</p> - -<p>And yet when you come to think of it, there is only a quantitative, not -a qualitative difference between that poor hunger-bitten woman making -ulsters at sixpence each, and some of our motor-driving fur-coated -manipulators of stocks and shares who pawn one lot of somebody else's -shares to buy a lot for a third party, and pledge the latest purchase -to redeem or contango or bedevil something else. Yes, there is one -great difference, the stock-dealer neither goes hungry nor cold, nor -runs much risk of "doing time," because he happens to be caught with -ten shillings short at delivery time.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER VI</span> <span class="smaller">DEVELOPMENTS</span></h2> - -<p>The appetite grows by what it feeds upon, says the proverb, and this is -indubitably true of extra work. No matter what the auxiliary business -may be, or how sorely it may press upon the over-burdened body and -mind, it gradually becomes a necessity, reckoned upon as an essential -part of the income, and impossible to be done without. That such work -is an evil of the first magnitude cannot be gainsaid by any thinking -man. Unless of course it be, as sometimes happens, in the nature of a -recreation, but even then what home life can the man have who is absent -at work from breakfast time until nearly midnight? And what justice can -he do his legitimate employer, who after all has the best right to his -chief energies.</p> - -<p>It may be said that if men were only paid a sufficient wage for the -work they do during the day they would not seek evening employment, -but such a statement would be very difficult to prove, since what is -sufficient for one is not for another. And some men have a mania for -work, begrudge themselves necessary sleep<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> and food time, not because -they <i>need</i> the money, but because they <i>want</i> it. The best that -can be said for the practice is that it is far better than spending -every evening in the vicious atmosphere of a saloon bar or public -billiard-room, as so many workers do under the plea of recreation. But -both are bad for the man practising them, making him prematurely old, -and robbing him of all real enjoyment of life.</p> - -<p>And yet how great is the excuse for the poorly paid clerk, who, having -married and seeing his children coming all too quickly, is at his wit's -end to know how to meet his ever growing expenses upon a non-expanding -salary. I know for a fact that an enormous majority of the married -clerks and salesmen of London live the life of slaves to those -whom they love, toiling ever with one end in view, the comfortable -maintenance of their dear ones. In literature, save the mark, they are -held up to scorn and ridicule, the clerk and the "counter jumper" being -taken as fair game for every smart pen, and even giants of the quill -like Mr H. G. Wells do not scruple to draw such a hideous caricature of -a splendid solid class as Kipps. A monstrous exception if ever there -was one to the great rule that these hardly entreated workers are fit -to hold their own in any society, and as far as their work is concerned -need not fear comparison with any. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> - -<p>To resume, as far as I am personally concerned, I found that even the -trifling amount that I was able to add to my income by my infrequent -sales of fancy goods for monthly payments, became absolutely necessary -to me, and I craved too for some means of adding thereunto. I answered -many advertisements, but they were all of the canvassing or touting -order, and I felt that I could much easier starve than do that. Why, I -always found it a dreadful task to go on board a ship, and ask if they -wanted any hands, to offer myself for hire! and that compared to the -door to door canvassing is ridiculously easy. However, I was fortunate -enough to get a job now and then to write up some firm's advertisement -books, and so utilise the holidays I was allowed, but could not enjoy. -This, and addressing envelopes at 3s. 6d. per thousand (I believe it -is now done for 1s. 6d.), brought in a little valuable money, and -improved my handwriting too. And still I craved for more. For one -thing my seafaring habit of early rising clung to me so, that I simply -could not remain in bed even on the dark mornings of winter after six -o'clock, while in summer I was often out and about at three, enjoying -the freshness of the young day, but lamenting that I could not put this -leisure time to some presently profitable use. It was the same in the -evening. Beyond the open-air meetings on Sunday and Thursday, I had no -recreations, no places of amusement. I could not read <i>all</i> the time, -and although I walked fully ten miles a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> day to and from my work I had -abundant energy still available.</p> - -<p>Now among my many deficiencies I was always painfully conscious of a -lack of mechanical genius, or even aptitude. As before noted, I could -not drive a nail without bending it, or turn a screw without burring -the head. Yet one day it chanced that I stood in the shop of an -acquaintance of mine watching him make picture-frames, and the thought -occurred to me that I could learn to do likewise, and thus perhaps -utilise my spare time, and earn a little money into the bargain. -Thenceforward I was a frequent visitor to him, and my questions were -many, but, such was my shyness that I never asked for a practical -lesson.</p> - -<p>While in this absorbent frame of mind a canvasser called at our office -with some rather good steel engravings for sale. They were in monthly -parts of three in paper portfolios with descriptive letterpress, -and were entitled the "Imperial Gallery of British Art." Price five -shillings per part, the series to be completed in sixteen parts. As -I looked at the beautiful pictures, for, in spite of worn plates and -retouching, many of them <i>were</i> beautiful, a scheme sprang to being in -my brain. Why should I not subscribe for two sets of engravings, frame -them myself, and sell them on my monthly payment system? In about five -minutes I had decided that I would venture, and had signed a document -burdening<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> me with the payment of ten shillings monthly for sixteen -months.</p> - -<p>After this, I suppose it is useless for me to say that I have or had -no speculative instinct, since I thus determined upon so slight a -prospect to mortgage such a considerable sum out of my income. But I -think it must have been some long dormant <i>flair</i> for business which -thus suddenly materialised. However that may be, I was for the time -being possessed by my scheme, and frequented the shop where my friend -was always making frames more assiduously than ever. I plied him with -questions innumerable, all of which he answered very readily, seeing in -me a good prospective customer for material in order to carry out my -hobby, as he supposed it to be, and never even dreaming that I might be -a possible business competitor.</p> - -<p>I afterwards found that amateur picture frame-makers when properly -encouraged make exceedingly good clients to the professional, whose -aim it should be to encourage them by all the means in his power to -make their own frames. Because it is almost certain that the amateur -will spoil far more material than he uses, and that his friends to -whom he shows his work with pride will make mental notes of his great -inferiority to the work of the professional, and determine never to -have any home-made frames themselves. This attitude of the professional -towards the amateur is an exceedingly profitable one, and pervades a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> -great many trades, where it is recognised that the man with a hobby -is a sort of bubbling well from whence the judicious fosterer of his -client's most amiable weakness may draw an ever-increasing profit.</p> - -<p>Of course I made mistakes at starting, which cost me far more than I -could afford, mistakes which I should not have made had I possessed any -mechanical genius whatever. But I had what was better, an imperative -necessity to succeed. You remember the story of the cow climbing the -tree? It was exactly my case. There was no question of my learning to -frame pictures, I had to. But for that I know should have flung down my -tools and upset my glue-pot early in the game, vowing solemnly that to -learn such a business was impossible at my time of life and as a side -issue. But I did not, because I dared not, and after spending about six -times their value in moulding, and forty times as much in hard, almost -despairing work, I at last emerged from the struggle with two framed -pictures.</p> - -<p>Looking back now I am amazed at even that moderate measure of success. -For we only had three rooms, and I had two children. Consequently -my only workshop was the apartment which served us as kitchen, -dining-room, and living room. The Pembroke table, all rickety as those -abominations always are, was my bench, and not infrequently capsized -with all my litter of work upon it. Of the usual appliances<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> for the -work I had scarcely any. For instance I have often, to their great -delight, used my two children for a press—that is to sit on the board -in order to keep newly pasted down engravings or photographs from -cockling up. And if when putting the back into a frame I accidentally -touched the glass with the point of a brad, hearing at once the ominous -click which told me I had lost sixpence, the price of the square of -cheap glass, my children's hilarity was hushed in a moment as they saw -the almost despairing look in my eyes, and the haggard expression on my -face.</p> - -<p>But I am getting on too fast. So much depends upon the point of view, -so relative are our joys or sorrows to our circumstances that I doubt -whether Columbus upon first beholding that will-o'-the-wisp-like light -upon San Salvador was more elate than I when I first beheld the two -finished frames which were the work of mine own hands. True I had -bought the moulding, and the gold or gilt slip. True I had bought the -ready cut mount from another tradesman, and the squares of glass had -been cut to my measurements by another, but mine was the hand that -had, after much bungling and patching and besmearing of thick glue, -achieved those frames. I felt that I could not weary of looking at -them. Mine was the joy of creation, however lawlessly assumed. Upon -rising at five the next morning, before dressing I paid a visit to them -for another admiring survey, and a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> wondering retrospect as to whether -it was really I who had succeeded in producing two such works of art. -Of course I had nothing to compare them with, but that was the merest -detail, it troubled me not at all.</p> - -<p>I was all impatience to get to the office with them, nor, although I -am the least optimistic person alive, could I feel any great amount of -trepidation as to whether they would be favourably received or not. It -was a long and weary walk across the park from Kilburn to Westminster, -and my hands were blue with the cramping cold through carrying my -precious pictures, but I cared nothing for that. I was for the time -being satisfied with myself. And yet as I drew near the office where -my amateur work would be submitted to the shrewd if not unkindly -judgment of my fellows, and I should learn once for all whether in the -city man's phrase there "was money in it," I had hard work to keep my -spirits up. Fortunately I did not know what the odds were against me, -a blissful ignorance which has saved many a struggler from collapse of -dread before the fight has begun.</p> - -<p>It is just possible that my work of totalling and meaning massive -columns of figures, mechanical and monotonous as it had become, -suffered that morning from utter lack of any ability on my part to -think of what I was doing. But at last the luncheon interval of three -quarters of an hour came, and having<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> bolted my usual dinner of bread -and cheese, I began my tour of the various rooms with my work. I sold -my pictures to the first man I showed them to at a good profit on the -usual terms of five shillings a month, but he very kindly allowed me -to tote them all round the office, by which means I secured orders -for six more. Better than that I heard words of praise to which I -had almost always been a stranger, praise of my work, at which I -was far too gratified to inquire whether those who uttered it were -competent critics, or were trying to get my wares a little cheaper, -or on a little easier terms. It was a day to be marked with a white -stone, and I find it impossible now to recall any definite idea of the -multitudinous schemes of infinite pettiness which that day's success -hatched in my brain. I can only say that in their prospective wealth -of a few shillings extra a week, they were just as important, I was -just as earnest in considering them, as any millionaire manipulator of -stocks and shares, even though he looks for more tens of thousands from -other people's labour than I looked for units from my own.</p> - -<p>Behold me then launched as a (vide my cards printed soon after) -"Carver, gilder, and picture-frame maker. Clients visited at their -own residences. Advice upon all art subjects gratis; estimates free!" -Nevertheless I found it anything but plain sailing. At almost every -turn I came up against some problem that would have given me no trouble -had I served a year<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> in a bona fide frame-maker's shop. Mostly I got -over or round the difficulty somehow by myself, for I grew more and -more diffident of asking for instruction at the shop where I bought -my moulding and et ceteras. But I was steadily improving in my work, -steadily learning more and more of the details of the business, and -gradually acquiring more tools suitable for the work. It is often -scornfully said to the amateur, who is lamenting his inability to do -better because of the want of proper tools, that a "bad workman always -blames his tools." That may be true, but it is certainly not truer -than that no regular workman would attempt to commence a job with the -tools that the average amateur possesses. Bad or good as the result -may be, that there is any result at all from amateur work proves the -possession of what all are agreed that the workman is always the better -for, a love of the work for its own sake, and not at all from any hope -of reward for his achievement outside of the satisfaction of his own -innate desire for perfection.</p> - -<p>I was now much happier. I cannot conscientiously say that I loved the -new work for its own sake, but I had never enjoyed the possession of a -hobby except reading and open-air preaching, and I was as I have said -far too poor to indulge my tastes even in these pursuits to the full. -But I was certainly interested in pictures and their frames. I was both -surprised and delighted to find that I actually had some mechanical<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> -skill after all, and I never felt quite satisfied that my work was as -well done as possible. By which of course I mean that I was always -striving to do it better; not only, I can safely declare, because of -pleasing a customer, but for the great delight of admiring the work of -my own hands before I delivered it over to its owner.</p> - -<p>Moreover, I found to my deep gratification, that my circle of -acquaintances or I may say even, friends, which had been exceedingly -small, was now being constantly enlarged. Nearly every new customer -I obtained became interested in the man beyond his work, and this -intercourse though it undoubtedly took up a great deal of time was very -pleasant. Before long I was adding a few shillings regularly every -week to my income, every one of which represented a great deal of work -and scheming and persuasion; shillings that were well and faithfully -earned, if ever shillings were. I did most of my work in the morning -before going to the office, for after office hours I was handicapped by -the fact that I had to go to the city to buy my mouldings and mounts, -or to make long journeys with the finished product.</p> - -<p>This gathering together of the material that I used was one of the -chief drawbacks to my progress. I could not of course lay in a stock; -first, because I had no capital; secondly, because I had no room to -store it; and thirdly, because, owing to the enormous variety of -patterns, I could never tell what I should want a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> stock of. Of course -I early learned to guide my client's taste in the direction of the -easily obtainable (and profitable to me) patterns for obvious reasons, -but if a customer had seen a certain pattern and required it, I never -tried to persuade him out of it, but did my very best to satisfy him. -Here I found another enormous difficulty. I did not know what to -charge! There was no one of whom I dared ask the question, for it will -be quite easily understood that in all trades there must be intense -jealousy and dislike of an outsider coming in by a side entrance and -cutting into the business. I got some help from the price-lists of the -great stores, finding that I could make a very respectable profit, as I -considered it, by charging about twenty-five per cent. less than they -did. But that only helped me a little way, because I was continually -confronted by the cheap frames made by the gross and sold by the -drapers and fancy goods people at a few pence and some farthings each, -less in fact than I could buy the materials for in the making of one -frame.</p> - -<p>So I groped blindly along, sometimes making a fair profit on my labour, -sometimes after two or three days' hard work emerging with about what I -started with because of unforeseen difficulties. I may have undersold -the legitimate operators in the same line, but if so it was entirely -due to ignorance on my part—I would never willingly spoil any man's -market, unless of course as in some monopolies prices<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span> needed reduction -in the interests of truth and honesty.</p> - -<p>The writing of the last three words of the preceding sentence -has suddenly brought before me the necessity of a word or two of -explanation. I have not the slightest intention in these chapters to be -dictative. Still less do I wish to write a clumsy tract. And yet I find -upon looking back upon the last few pages that I am in great danger of -being accused of a smug and disgustingly hypocritical trumpeting forth -of my virtues. From such a peril I desire to guard myself if possible. -And I feel that I can only do so by stating definitely that although of -course I claimed to be a Christian man, my actions with regard to my -work did not seem to me to spring from any desire to follow a certain -code of moral laws, but to do to others as I wished they would do to -me. At my proper work at the office I know I was often indolent and -careless, and pre-occupied with my own affairs when I ought to have -given my best abilities to the duties for which I was paid, the reason -(not the excuse) being, that I never could take the slightest interest -in it. But in my private business outside the office I did always try -to give the best possible value for the money I received, and I had an -absolute horror of overcharging anybody.</p> - -<p>Moreover, on certain occasions when I had to pay others to do what I -could not do myself, and based my proposal for payment on the profit -I expected to make, I have several times, on finding that my profits -were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> larger than I had expected, voluntarily increased the payment -to my helper. Not, I affirm, because of any deep-seated desire to be -just as well as kind, but, because it was the easiest way to quiet -some inner impulse driving me in the direction of justice. This is -not a matter of virtue, it is a matter of temperament. There is to me -something diabolical, infernal, in the idea of "doing" anybody, of -getting the better of them in a business deal, of binding men down to -serve you for a pittance upon which they can hardly live, and making -yourself a fortune by their labour. And I believe that a faithful -servant who puts love for you as the employer into his or her work is -valuable beyond all payment, but that fact should never hinder the -recipient of such service from paying as liberally as he can, not -caring a hang for the laws of political economy.</p> - -<p>Dear me, how far this kind of thing does lead one to be sure. But I -have the most vivid recollection of those reflections in that strenuous -time, and they gave point and edge to my remarks made on Sunday morning -at Kensal Green Cemetery Gates, to the immense audiences of men -waiting there for William the Fourth to open. I preached the doctrine -of Christian Socialism as I saw it, as different from the naked and -unabashed Socialism of the Keir Hardie type, as light is from darkness, -a social law of love and duty towards my neighbour, whether he be rich -or poor. And this was a great and splendid compensation, even when as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span> -often happened, I, having laid out my last few shillings on Friday for -materials wherewith to make frames in the hope of getting paid for them -on Saturday, found that I was left with only a few pence to procure -that sacrament of the Londoner, the Sunday's dinner.</p> - -<p>However hard those times now seem to look back upon, I can very -plainly see how much of pleasure and good training there was in them, -compensations of which I then thought little. But I cannot help seeing -also how helpful a few business-like habits would have been. I cannot -say that I had a rooted objection to keeping accounts, I only know -that I never did keep them except in my head. And consequently I grew -to trust my memory for everything, which in business, however small, -is I now know fatal. Yet I know, too, that had I been managing anybody -else's business, I should have been a scrupulous book-keeper. Blamable -in the last degree this constitutional aversion of mine from putting -down what I had spent and how much I had earned from that spending. -Also, for another confession, though I was in theory anything but an -optimist, in practice I acted optimism. I never could feel sure of my -monthly government pay, until I had actually cashed the cheque, yet -in the face of demands which it seemed miraculous that I should ever -be able to satisfy I was cheery, even confident, that, as Dickens so -scornfully puts it, "things would come round."</p> - -<p>Now I must close this chapter, already overlong,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> but before I do so I -must just say that at this time I drank nothing but water or tea, did -not smoke, never paid a penny for recreation, and wore my clothes till -I dared wear them no longer. And yet I was, with a steady salary of £2. -2s. a week, abjectly poor!</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER VII</span> <span class="smaller">I TAKE A SHOP</span></h2> - -<p>Last chapter closed with a bitter confession of incompetence on my part -that I would not make if I could help it, but alas it is too true. -Account for it I cannot, except by saying that I began by getting into -debt, as I have before said, and never afterwards until the end of -that régime came was I able to emerge from the condition of poverty I -have attempted to describe, not though my struggles were incessant and -certainly severe. It tinged my whole life and robbed me of my rightful -proportion of joy, this want of ability to manage my own affairs upon a -very small and strictly stationary income. If this condition of things -may be taken for granted, whether with blame or pity, it will simplify -matters a good deal and save me humiliating allusions to it every now -and then.</p> - -<p>So time fled along in rapid fashion, for now I never had a moment to -spare. And still further to curtail the time at my disposal, I, finding -the burden of the rent in the west of London too grievous to be borne, -to say nothing of the cruel anxiety of letting lodgings unfurnished, -decided to migrate to the far east of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> London, between Upton Park and -East Ham. There I had heard that a neat five-roomed house with a long -garden could be hired for seven and six a week inclusive of all rates -and taxes. (I believe the same house would fetch nearly if not quite -double now.) That was a rental I felt able to pay, and even if the -great distance from my employment did mean extra expense, it was well -worth a struggle to have a home to ourselves freed from the incubi of -lodgers or sub landlord.</p> - -<p>So with great hopes of making the last move for a long time, I -commenced the big business. It must be confessed that the auspices -were not very bright, my wife being too ill to stand upon her feet, my -eldest child a toddler of five, and my next one quite a baby. But in -those days such details hardly fretted me, I was so used to them. And -consequently it was with a stout heart that, having succeeded in hiring -a big van and horse and man, at one and sixpence an hour, I commenced -the long day's labour at seven in the morning. I carried my wife and -little ones into a good Samaritan next door, who looked after them, -while my helper and I dismantled the home and carefully stowed it in -the van. For once I had found a man who was willing to work as hard as -I could, and who did not seize every opportunity to suggest rest and -refreshment. So we got on very well indeed.</p> - -<p>By nine o'clock all was ready, my wife was comfortably secured upon a -sofa lashed to the tailboard<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> of the van, the baby was accommodated -with an impromptu cot on the keyboard of the piano, and the -five-year-old also had a place for her little chair. So we started off -for our new home facing the twelve miles between us and that distant -suburb without misgivings, though it was certainly anything but a -picnic for the horse. I do not recall how many times we halted, only I -know that but few of them involved the spending of money, that being as -usual a very limited quantity with me. But at five o'clock the weary -trudge was over, and with fresh energy we tackled the task of getting -the chattels indoors. With such good will did we both work that by six -all was over, and the hard-working carman, apparently satisfied with -my moderate tip of a shilling, and sixteen and six for the hire of the -vehicle, departed and left me to the tackling of my biggest task of the -day.</p> - -<p>I felt as if I would much rather lie down and rest, but it is -astonishing what you can do when you must, and finding fresh energy -somewhere I soon had the helpless wife and children fairly comfortable, -with a bit of fire in a bedroom. While thus engaged I was drawn to the -window by a tremendous crash of thunder and flash of lightning, and -there, outside one of the opposite houses, was ranged on the pavement -nearly the whole of a family's furniture exposed to the full fury of a -torrent of rain. Indeed it was pitiful, and my discontent at the heavy -task before me was changed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> into great gratitude when I realised what I -had escaped from by only a few minutes.</p> - -<p>I went back to my work with a good heart, and before midnight, when -dead beat, I crawled into bed and fell at once into a sleep so sound -that even the heavenly artillery failed to disturb me, I had reduced -my new abode to something like order. I was up again at 5.30, having -ever been able, no matter how weary, to rise at any time necessary, -and after another hour's work at straightening things out, sallied -forth to find someone who would come and help my helpless ones during -my absence. This I fortunately succeeded in doing in time, and at 7.30 -I was on my way to the office looking forward to a good rest for my -muscles all day, even if my brain would certainly be superlatively -active.</p> - -<p>Now I am quite well aware that in chronicling the above I am laying -myself open to the charge of being jejune, trivial, etc., and I know -too, that to many men of my own class such details as I have given -above will be so familiar that they will wonder why ever I should have -written about them. But somehow I have felt that, as in the subjects -of my other books, a little plain and simple truth amidst the flood of -invention by writers who have merely looked on, might not be out of -place, might indeed be of use. For I hold that it is impossible, even -for those who are most interested but do not live the life, however -keen they may be, to portray faithfully all the day<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> and night doings -of the people they write about. They may and do try hard and honestly -to fulfil their self-imposed task, but as long as they can retire to -their comfortably furnished homes and nicely served meals whenever they -like, they will never be able to describe truly, however much they wish -to do so.</p> - -<p>For a little while the novelty of setting my house in order and the -delight of having a garden for the first time in my life prevented me -from dwelling upon the obvious disadvantages of the change of abode -I had made. But when I came to realise that in order to live at a -low rent and have a little house to myself I had to put in nearly -four hours a day travelling, I began to wonder whether I had not been -foolish after all. This was long before the days of the extension of -the District Railway to East Ham, and I could only keep my travelling -expenses within possible limits by taking a workman's ticket, not -available after 7 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span>, to Fenchurch Street, and walking -thence to Victoria. This long journey, during which I was perforce -idle, played havoc with my business of picture-framing, yet still I -managed to keep my hand in, and indeed improved a little in that I -had a small workshop to myself now, and no longer made frames on the -kitchen table.</p> - -<p>And I should be ungrateful indeed if I did not remember most -affectionately the delights of Wanstead Park and Epping Forest. Many -and many a pilgrimage I made in the summer with the children packed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> in -a big perambulator and a bag containing all the materials for a homely -picnic slung on the handles to those sylvan glades, and here, at no -other expense save the muscular effort, enjoyed a delightful holiday, -the best perhaps I have ever known, because purely unconventional and -costless. I had the satisfaction of feeling too that, in spite of the -rapidity with which streets of small houses like the one I was living -in were springing up all around me, the grand forest would never be -built on any more, would always be available for such poor workers as -myself.</p> - -<p>Nevertheless I confess I did mightily begrudge the great waste of time -involved in my much travelling. In the summer it was not so bad, but -in winter I and many more in like case, who for motives of economy got -to our respective places of employment long before we could get in, -suffered much from lack of shelter from cold and wet. Just one of the -many unconsidered evils of living in a vast and over-crowded city. -My extra work of picture framing suffered also, not merely because -customers in my new neighbourhood were exceedingly scarce, everybody -being so poor, but because of the long, long distance I had to fetch -materials, especially glass, which in the crowded trains at night was -a most ticklish and brittle load. I cannot now realise definitely the -sudden rushes I used to make through the heart of the city at the -busiest hour of the evening, my struggle with the clambering crowds -up the steep stairs in Fenchurch<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> Street Station, and the journey -homewards in the close-packed, reeking compartment, dreading every -moment lest a lurch of the train should damage my precious burden. It -is all like some hideous nightmare, those wet and foggy nights when my -lungs seemed fit to burst with coughing, and all my senses warned me to -go slow, while my needs spurred me, and many times I had to stop and -remember how many were in far more evil case than myself, or I should -have indeed fallen by the wayside.</p> - -<p>Yet this life too I endured for three years, at the end of which time -I was fully convinced that living so far away from my daily work was -for me at anyrate a profound mistake. Also I had another child and was -in consequence driven harder than ever, was more desirous than ever to -have some steady auxiliary to my exiguous income, some means of getting -clear of that furniture incubus which kept my nose to the grindstone. -Besides all these things I had often in winter, despite my early -leaving home, to spend several hours on the way to the city by reasons -of floods, to which our neighbourhood then seemed particularly liable, -and had been curtly warned by the Powers above me that I would do well -to move nearer to my work if I wished to retain it. Which warnings gave -me a cold chill at the heart, for although I was in age not much past -thirty, I was already beginning to feel old from the strain of living, -and I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> knew how scanty were the chances of getting another such berth -as mine should I lose the one I had now got.</p> - -<p>But I doubt whether even these powerful incentives to a change would -have been sufficient to make me move, but for an event which changed -the whole course of my life. For one thing, where was I to go and enjoy -better conditions than those under which I now lived? Even apartments -were now not to be thought of, for I had three children, and except -in such neighbourhoods as I dared not descend to, no one would let -apartments to people with a family. This again is one of the factors -governing the lives of the workers which those comfortable souls who -wail about the declining birth-rate do not think of. God knows it is -hard enough for any poor worker in England to maintain a growing family -in decency, without being treated worse than a beggar or a criminal -in seeking to find lodgment for them which he is ready to pay for. -Thousands of men have been driven to pauperism or practical socialism -by the accursed system of oppression—no children wanted.</p> - -<p>So that every enquiry I made about lodgings nearer my work threw me -back to the grim fact that in some respects, I was better off now than -any change could make me. And then came the event, the impulse from -without, which drove me against my own better judgment into the thorny -and difficult ways of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> small shopkeeper. My wife received a small -legacy, one that had been left contingent upon the death of a woman -who enjoyed the income of the bequest for life. She died, and the -capital was divided among a very large number of expectant folk, none -of whom received, according to their ideas, much more than a tithe of -what was really due to them. My wife's share was well under £200, but -even that was a fortune to our entirely restricted vision. Of course -the first and most important question to be decided was how to dispose -of this money to the best advantage so that we might feel the benefit -of it? But underlying this there was a feeling upon my part that as -it was not mine in any sense my wife should have the disposal of it, -so long as she did not insist upon, as I once heard a County Court -Registrar pithily remark, frittering it away upon paying my outstanding -liabilities. No, I do not exactly mean debts, but in clearing up those -burdens which demanded regular instalments of so much a month.</p> - -<p>I am glad to say, however, that nothing was farther from her ideas than -that, for as she put it, the furniture was all worn out long before it -was paid for, being such utter rubbish, and therefore the longer its -vendors could legitimately be kept waiting for their ill-gotten gains -the better. Alas, to be wise after the event is futile, yet I am now -sadly inclined to think that had such a proposal been made by her and -accepted by me it would have been better for all of us. At anyrate<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> -this book would not have been written, nor, I feel certain, any other -of the small library that I have written during the last ten years.</p> - -<p>Her suggestion, no, it was more than that, it was a demand, was that -this money should be laid out in taking a shop. A double-fronted shop -whereof one side should be devoted to art pictorial in the shape of -its accessories, engravings, frames, artistic materials, etc., and the -other to what is rather pompously called art needlework, and fancy -goods, the latter being an enormously elastic term.</p> - -<p>To say that I was alarmed would be putting matters much too mildly. -I was appalled. I dreaded beyond expression increasing my already -heavy liabilities. I doubted with a scepticism of the blackest my -ability to run a shop for myself, however well I might be able to do -it for another—in fact, I saw nothing in the proposal but disaster. -But my wife, confident in her powers as a shopkeeper (having had no -experience) and fired with a laudable desire to help in the collection -of the family income, insisted, even at the length of declaring that if -I would not take a shop she would without my help. And that I saw would -be avoiding an imaginary Scylla for the terrors of a real Charybdis. So -I yielded, ungracefully, but completely, and thenceforward until the -time which shall complete this narrative never did I know a care-free -hour.</p> - -<p>The first thing was to find the shop, and if I were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> able in Mr -Pett Ridge's delightful manner to detail our experiences in those -pilgrimages I doubt not that the recital would make several readable -columns. The lies we were told would fill several volumes. The fortunes -we were sure to make were so vast that they were unspendable. Every -miserable, little, obviously hopeless shop was lauded so that I began -to fear a complete obsession, and at last I declared that I would not -take any advertised business at all, I would build up a business of our -own. Yes, I used those memorable words, and, to my shame be it said, -without even the excuse that I believed them myself. Miserable man that -I was, I felt certain that this enterprise of ours was foredoomed. I -knew, none better, that there was nothing of the Napoleon about me, -that I was far too prone to take no for an answer for anything of that -kind to be possible.</p> - -<p>Presently I began to feel that this quest of a shop was destined to -bring me prematurely to my grave. East, west, north, and south I -sought, and now I felt no nearer than at the outset to the object of -my search. At last I found what apparently was exactly the thing, a -double-fronted shop with a sufficient number of living rooms above, in -a business thoroughfare within easy reach of town, and at the fairly -reasonable rent of £40 a year. I knew no one who could tell me anything -about the character of the neighbourhood, so I had to form my own -conclusions as to the prospects of business there. And in any case I -was so weary of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> searching for the apparently unattainable that I was -willing to be deceived had anybody tried to persuade me. But that I -think was the determining factor. Nobody did try to influence me. The -man who owned the shop and carried on the business of a grocer next -door did not seem at all anxious to have me for a tenant, in fact he -was most reticent and retiring when approached, which may have been -genius on his part, although I never saw cause to suspect him of -anything of the kind.</p> - -<p>At anyrate I persuaded myself that I should never find any better shop -than this for my purpose and I closed the bargain by paying handsel, -and fixing the date for coming in. Then I had to turn my attention to -the fitting up of this shop, for it was absolutely bare, just three -match-boarded walls which by the way were covered with some messy -alleged varnish which never dried, and the double front as aforesaid. -I procured several price-lists from firms whose speciality was the -fitting up of shops, and after a prolonged study of them came to the -conclusion that to fit up this shop in even the most economical way, -according to their specifications, would absorb our entire capital and -necessitate our procuring stock entirely on credit. Which was absurd; -for we had no credit, at least in my innocence of business I knew of -none. Later, I learned to my sorrow that the obtaining of credit was -easy in almost an exactly inverse ratio to the difficulty of meeting -the bills when they came in. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> - -<p>In this difficulty of fitting the shop, however, as in so many others -that I have encountered, I had not the privilege of retreat. I had -burned my bridges and had perforce to advance in what at first appeared -to be a hopeless task. But I am getting on too fast, for of course, -before I could begin shop-fitting it was necessary that I should -move in, this operation being in itself, with my limited resources, -a sufficiently formidable one. But here again, I met with a powerful -coadjutor in the man that used to serve us with vegetables and coals -at Upton Park, a burly costermonger who had risen to the dignity of -a little shop and a horse and van from the humble beginnings of a -hand-barrow. It was his proud boast that he would rather at any time -go hungry himself than refuse a poor customer half a hundred of coals -or a few pounds of potatoes because she had no money. He and I often -had a yarn and had become great friends, so that when I enlisted his -aid in moving the long distance from Upton Park to Lordship Lane, East -Dulwich, I felt that relief which only comes from implicit reliance -upon someone whom you feel is stronger than yourself. I know all about -self-help and have been compelled to practice it all my life, but the -joy of having a friend, how great and how pleasant it is!</p> - -<p>With his powerful aid the moving out was got over with comparative -ease, but even so, it was dark before we arrived at our destination, -the children being cold, tired, and hungry. And then a difficulty -occurred<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> which almost daunted me. I had the key of the shop, but my -landlord had bolted up inside so that I could not get in. And when I -went to him he offered me my handsel money back, mumbling something -about "matters not being satisfactory." What he meant I do not even now -know but that was what he said, and there was I in the street with all -my belongings, ten miles from the home I had left at 8 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span> -and with three small children. My friend and ally here arose to the -occasion. He literally bullied the landlord into letting us in, a -thing I could never have done, and presently I found relief from my -anxiety in the feverish activity of getting our chattels indoors. I -never heard, and so I can never tell, why my landlord desired to evade -his bargain regardless of my sufferings, nor, although I even now feel -curious, shall I ever know.</p> - -<p>Oh, that good fellow, how he did work as if he had just begun his day -instead of having been at it since about 4 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span> He helped me -set up the beds, straighten up a living room, lit a fire, fetched some -supper from a local pork butcher's, and at last with an earnest enquiry -as to whether he couldn't do anything more for me, supposed he'd better -be getting towards home as he had to be up at three the next morning. -Falteringly I assured him that he had done far more than I could ever -have expected and what was I in his debt? he said brusquely, "Oh, I -ain't got no time to bother abart that nar. You get strite an' I'll pop -over an'<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> see yer in a few dyes. Good night missus, good night guvnor," -and he was gone. It was two months before I saw him again, and then -only because I sought him out in my first leisure. And he would not -take a penny more than ten shillings. I paid him that, but I have never -discharged, because I cannot, the heavy debt of gratitude he laid upon -me, more especially for the knowledge of how good and kind one poor man -can be to another. I have had many such experiences, but each one has -been peculiarly fragrant, especially sweet in itself, a standing rebuke -to me for once holding a doctrine of the innate depravity of mankind.</p> - -<p>As soon as he had gone I realised that I was so tired that I could -hardly stand, and so I made haste to put things in readiness for the -morning and get to bed. But once there my life-long habit asserted -itself, and I had to find a book for a little read before sleep. And to -my great content I found Mark Twain's "Innocents at Home," and read for -perhaps the hundredth time the touching story of Scotty Briggs and the -callow minister. In it I forgot my troubles, my weariness of body and -mind and apprehensions for the future, and with a happy sigh I laid the -book down, blew out the candle, and went to sleep. Years after, dining -with Mark Twain at the Devonshire Club, I told him of the incident and -saw his deep tender eyes fill with tears. He silently put out his hand -and said "shake." Now can there be any higher reward for a writer than -this,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> that he has been able by his books to make his fellow-creatures -forget for a while the burden that has been crushing them, and has -lifted them into new hope and energy for the coming unknown day? I think not.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER VIII</span> <span class="smaller">GETTING BROKEN IN</span></h2> - -<p>This, the most momentous move of my life, as I think, was made on a -Monday in the autumn of about 1890. The year doesn't matter anyhow. I -know that it was about sixteen or seventeen years ago, or when I was -thirty-three or thirty-four years of age. That Monday I had taken leave -from the Office, the day being deducted from my allowed twenty-eight -days of summer vacation, as was customary with us. By favour of the -authorities we were even allowed to take half days of leave, which -prevented us from doing what we believed our happier brethren in the -<i>pukka</i> Civil Service could always do, ask to step out after lunch and -not come back that day. It also I suppose preserved as much of our -self-respect as was possible, for we were thus able to say that we at -anyrate did not rob our masters the public of any of our valuable time.</p> - -<p>This reserve of time, however, was far too valuable commercially to me -to be lightly drawn upon, and so, rising at five the next day, I did as -much as possible towards getting straight before eight, when I started<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> -to walk to the Office, a little over four miles, but with the prospect -of a long day's rest, as far as my body was concerned, in front of -me. That week was one of the busiest in my whole life. My office work -had to suffer, doubtless, for amid the dancing columns of figures or -snaky automatic curves I could always discern the counters, shelves, -showcases, etc., of this new daemon, the shop. Moreover, I had to -interview wholesale people, dealers in art embroidery, crewels, etc., -dealers in fancy goods, dealers in mouldings, etc., and open accounts -upon the strength of that little capital, now fast dwindling away.</p> - -<p>My education was rapid that week. I heard hundreds of new trade terms, -of the existence of articles for sale of which I never before dreamed, -of possibilities of profit making that were dazzling, and I remembered -them all. But I kept no account of my growing liabilities, loading my -memory with everything, and whenever an uneasy feeling persisted in -making itself noticed that I was plunging far beyond my resources, I -fell back upon the consoling hope that I should soon square everything -when the shop was opened. And I had determined to open that shop on -the following Saturday. I ordered a couple of thousand hand-bills -advising the resident gentry of Slopers Island, as East Dulwich was -then sarcastically called, that F. T. Bullen proposed opening the -premises at 135 Lordship Lane, S.E., on Saturday next as a high class -Emporium for the sale of fancy goods, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span> all the necessaries for the -production of art needlework.</p> - -<p>There was also a notice to the effect that Carving, Gilding, and -Picture Frame Making, would be executed on the premises with promptness -and dispatch, Artists Materials would be kept in stock, Oil Paintings -restored, and their Frames Re-gilded, while expert opinion would be -given free to would-be Picture Buyers, Amateur Framemakers would be -supplied with materials at City Prices, and the Best Window Glass would -be cut and sold. Builders supplied at Trade Prices. I need hardly say -that I had advice in drawing up this precious circular or I should -never have dared aspire to such sublime heights of mendacity—even -now—though it is not easy—I blush to think on what a slender -possibility of performance I based all those grandiloquent promises.</p> - -<p>After all they did little harm. For I hired boys to distribute my -bills in the best districts, paying them liberally upon their solemn -promises to knock at each door, where there was no letter box, so as -to make sure of my bills entering the houses. Next morning walking -over Denmark Hill—it had rained somewhat heavily during the night—I -saw my bills almost carpeting the sidewalk and roadway, and after my -first bitterness of soul at the sad waste had passed off, I accepted -the situation as a judgment on me from above for my shameless -exaggerations. I never consoled myself by thinking of the specious and -spacious<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> lies of the Company promoter, the sufferers from which all -contributed to his wealth, out of which he often gave liberally to -religious institutions and felt a perfect glow of satisfaction thereat. -But for all my experience I was both ignorant and simple, which may -serve as a reason for my penitence, but no excuse.</p> - -<p>The opening day arrived—I had been up nearly all the previous night -putting the finishing touches to the appearance of the shop and the -arrangement of the stock, and flattered myself that it looked pretty -well. My wife, who had an innate genius for art needlework, was in -charge of that department, and we had arranged that in the event of -orders for picture framing coming in with an overwhelming rush, she was -to promise, in case the customers would not accept her assurance that I -would do the work as cheaply as possible from the patterns they might -select, that I would wait upon them at their residences later on.</p> - -<p>So I left that morning for the Office, standing for a moment on the -opposite side of the Lane, to gaze with pardonable pride upon the -bright shop with its blue and gold Fascia of</p> - -<p class="center">"<span class="smcap">Art Needlework Bullen and Picture Framing.</span>"</p> - -<p>It <i>did</i> look pretty, and although anything but an optimist I confess I -did hope that its attractions would be irresistible to the passers-by; -he or she, especially<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> she, would feel compelled to come in and buy -something. Of course, being an eminently genteel concern I could not -have, in the usual suburban fashion, a band of music performing in -the first floor front with the windows open, nor two or three raucous -voiced men exchanging witticisms with the passers-by upon their -stupidity in missing an opportunity like this of parting with their -brass with a thousand to one chance of getting the best value for it in -the 'ole world, and if I could have there was no money to pay for it. -But I confess that as I stood and looked at the pretty little show, I -had a vision of past experiences in raging seas among savage men amid -primitive conditions where life depended upon muscle and sinew and -grit, and I felt indeed as if I had sold my birthright for a mess of -pottage, or rather the promise of it, since it certainly was not yet -delivered.</p> - -<p>It was my long Saturday at the Office—for in these days we only had -alternate Saturday afternoons off—and how I got through it I do not -know. I expect I sorely vexed those above me by the frequency of my -errors. But I pictured my wife with the shop full of eager buyers -utterly unable to cope with the rush of trade. I built castle after -castle in Spain, I was retiring from the office to take charge of an -ever increasing business demanding all my energies, and building up a -competency for my old age.</p> - -<p>At last five o'clock came and I hurried homewards full of conflicting -emotions. But never in my deepest<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> pessimism had I allowed myself to -contemplate the reality as it confronted me upon arrival at the shop. -At that time on Saturday afternoon there was not a single person -in front of the shop, nor when I entered was there anyone inside! -I passed through into the parlour and enquired in a subdued manner -what the day's fortune had been. I learned at once that not a single -person had entered the premises that day with the idea of buying -anything. There had been several beggars and people asking for change -(they could hardly have come to a more hopeless place on such a quest -since our total stock of currency was less than five shillings) but -customers—none.</p> - -<p>I was staggered, for I was unprepared. Nevertheless I put as good a -face upon it as I could and solaced myself with some tea. But it was -rather a mournful meal for the thought would continually obtrude itself -"if this is the beginning what will the end be like"? However, there -was still plenty to do in the "getting straight" process, and being -busy at that I had no time to brood over this inexplicable repugnance -of the public to patronise me. Not that it was a busy thoroughfare—far -from it. Lower down some trade was being done, but up where I was it -looked like a new neighbourhood, I could not realise that it was a -London suburb with a great population. I did not then know that for -some mysterious reason Lordship Lane, except in one very small section -of it, had always been shunned by shoppers, who went<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> much farther -afield to do their purchasing, down to Rye Lane, Peckham, or even as -far as Brixton.</p> - -<p>So that sad day closed with never a potential buyer, and that delicate -perishable stock staring at me like the fruit of a crime, while the gas -from the six burners flared away as if rejoicing in the expense it was -causing me. So at eleven o'clock, I closed the emporium, and basket in -hand sallied forth to buy our frugal Sunday's dinner, thinking somewhat -bitterly that people must have food and clothing, but art needlework -and picture frames, being unnecessary luxuries, they had evidently -decided to do without.</p> - -<p>I went to bed that night with a heavy heart, because now the fact that -I was in debt without hope of repayment stared me in the face, nagged -at me, would not let me shut it out, and for once my hitherto unfailing -solace, reading, was of no avail. At last I summoned up my mental -resources, and determined that since I had done all I could, it was -worse than useless to worry about the unfortunate result. Doubtless I -had done wrong, but with the most innocent and praiseworthy intentions, -and so I would sleep—and I did.</p> - -<p>The next day, Sunday, was a gloomy one for me, for I knew no one in the -vicinity, and missed sorely my usual happy association with some body -of open-air preachers, and I felt almost outcast from human sympathy, -which, though it may be a confession of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> weakness, I always had a -craving for. But I got through the day somehow, my children wondering -what made their father so dull, such bad company, and was heartily glad -when bedtime came, and I could again seek the beautiful solace of sleep.</p> - -<p>When I awoke again on Monday morning at five o'clock, and commenced -to busy myself about the house, it was with a feeling that was new -to me then, but which never left me during all the time that shop, -like some infernal incubus, clung to my neck. It was a sense of utter -hopelessness of ever doing any good in this business, coupled with the -absolute necessity of going on with it. I know I may be thought a poor -minded craven for being daunted in this wise thus early, but I must -plead that I had a prophetic instinct, besides my tangible experience, -and the grim fact of all these bills presently falling due. But I can -honestly say that this sense of hopelessness did not, as far as I am -aware, ever prevent me from doing my best and working my hardest to -make the best of what I felt to be a very bad job.</p> - -<p>When I got to the office I realised that the shop must be dismissed -from my mind altogether while at my desk if I was to retain my post. -For I could take no half measures; I must either not think about it at -all or think of nothing else. So I took hold of myself resolutely, and -fixed my mind on my work, compelling an interest in it that I had never -been able to feel before. And it did me good in two ways.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> It relieved -me of the hateful round of useless thought about the shop, and it -salved my conscience, which was worrying me very much about the way in -which I was certainly neglecting my most important duties. But I found -it pretty hard to answer the inquiries of one or two friends to whom I -had confided my plans for going into business. I had to be frank with -them as to what had happened, and also to feign a hope, which I did not -feel, that things would soon improve.</p> - -<p>However, taking things on the whole I felt much better in spirit when -I returned home on Monday evening. I felt, that, knowing the worst, -I could hardly help expecting a little improvement, and as to the -future—well, that was hardly my concern now. So that I was almost -cheerful when I entered the shop door, and not too much startled when -my wife rushed to meet me beaming, and crying, "I've sold something!" -I was sorely tempted to be sarcastic but forebore, and merely said -quietly, "I <i>am</i> glad to hear that, what have you sold?" "One of those -pretty photo-frames out of my window, and here's the money," producing -a shilling, and pointing to the two frames which remained of the same -kind. Then I laughed long and loud, for the irony of the situation went -clean through me. She stared at me in bewildered fashion, saying, "What -on earth is the matter with you?" She evidently thought I was mad. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> - -<p>I answered, "Nothing, <i>I'm</i> sane enough, but seeing that our first -business transaction in the shop is to sell an article for a shilling -which cost us eighteenpence, I do not know what I might have been if -I hadn't laughed." And I have to laugh now when I think of it. That -was our first customer, and she had a bargain. Somehow I persisted -in looking at the transaction in a humorous light, and so it didn't -hurt us, and presently fate made us amends by bringing a friend in -who was to me for all those grievous four years a veritable godsend. -He was, like myself, a stranger in the neighbourhood, indeed he was a -stranger to London, having come up to take charge of a branch library. -He "happened in" as the Americans say, just to ask if I had some kind -of nails or screws or something like that, for he was an ingenious -chap, and always doing something or other to make the temporary library -over which he presided more fit for its purpose without too much extra -expense.</p> - -<p>We got into conversation quite easily, and he was speedily in -possession of my story. For, I was literally aching to tell it to -someone, and I could not have found a more sympathetic listener. He -was, I think, one of those people who are often cruelly described as -"nobody's enemy" but his own, but who should be better described as -everybody's friend but his own, for a more unselfish chap never lived, -and that character is, whatever its other faults may<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> be, possessed of -the golden virtue of helpfulness in an eminent degree.</p> - -<p>Well, before we had been talking an hour he was installed as the -friend of the family, in which unenviable position, as far as he was -concerned, he reigned without a rival all the time we had the business. -It was a bright and cheery episode, and did me more good than a hundred -customers would have done, so that I went to bed that night feeling -quite contented, and happy. I had found a friend who would be a friend -indeed.</p> - -<p>The first proof I had of the value commercially of my new friend's -help was that coming in contact with so many people at the library, he -recommended me as a picture-framer in season and out. Anyhow he got me -work, which, whether it paid or not, was what I ardently desired. For -while I was <i>doing</i> something I was, as Kipling says, swallowed up in -the clean joy of creation, and nothing else then mattered very much to -me. So gradually customers began to flow in, very gradually it is true, -but they <i>did</i> come, and although my gains were small I made many good -friends who did their best to recommend me to others. I had a workshop -on the first floor which was a chosen haunt of my intimates, who, their -work being done, used to come and perch amidst the unpicturesque litter -and watch me at work, preferring apparently to be there in thirsty -discomfort to being in the local saloon bar. But how they did smoke! -We had a varied compound of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> odours up there, boiling glue, sour paste -and general dustiness, but the whole rank compound was leavened, and I -think purified, by tobacco smoke, diligently emitted by my friends as -they watched me at work.</p> - -<p>The curious part of these gatherings was that I had nothing to offer -these guests, no refreshment, either wet or dry. I was far too poor -for that. Not that any of them ever seemed to expect anything but a -precarious seat on the edge of a box, or even standing room. They -brought their own tobacco and talked and smoked while I worked, and -when at last the job was finished and I had to say, "Now, you fellows -must clear out, I've got to take this job home," they would go -reluctantly—except occasionally that some of them would insist upon -lending me a hand with my load to the door of the house that I was -bound to. Ah, it was a strenuous time and full of worries, but I know -now that it had its own peculiar charm and value, also a certain zest -which I shall never know again.</p> - -<p>Noble sportsmen spend huge sums and risk life and limb hunting game, -I was gambling with my health and strength for an elusive stake, and, -generally speaking, the odds were against me. And what made the venture -of more intense interest was of course the helpless dependents. These -made it impossible for me to halt even if, as often happened, I lost -heart. It must be a good thing to be compelled to go on, it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> often -makes a hero out of quite an ordinary person, raising him to heights of -effort of which he never dreamed himself capable. All the more honour -therefore to those, who, without these incentives, press forward to -their goal in defiance of every hindrance.</p> - -<p>I now began to realise in full measure the minor trials of the -shop-keeper. The mere buying and selling, the commercial side of the -business had in it a good deal of pleasure, but there was little in -the more sordid details of keeping the stock dusted, the shop clean, -the windows bright. Oh, those windows! they had a fascination for -the children of the neighbourhood, whose chief delight appeared to -be to get a lump of horse-dung or mud or filth of any sort and smear -on them immediately after I had spent an hour's hard work in getting -them clean. And I did begrudge the time for doing this, yet I couldn't -afford to pay for having it done, that would indeed have been taking -the exiguous gilt off the all too scanty gingerbread. And there was -yet another prime difficulty. I dared not let a customer go who wanted -anything that I had not in stock at the time, but would promise to get -it whatever it was. And so I had to make continual rushes to the city -after office hours, the travelling expenses almost invariably eating up -double the profits, rather than have a customer go elsewhere and say -that he or she could not get what they wanted from me. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p>This is the main difficulty of a suburban shop like mine was, started -with insufficient capital, for it is impossible to keep a stock on hand -sufficient to meet the needs of all customers, so vastly varied are the -details of nearly every business now. But in this matter the wholesale -dealers are kindness and courtesy itself. They might very well neglect -the small, hardly beset trader, or refuse to supply him unless he gave -a substantial order, but in my experience they are just as courteous -and ready to meet the wants of the smallest of their customers as they -are of the huge retailers who spend scores of thousands of pounds per -annum with them. I always think of this when I read diatribes in the -press about the laxity of British trade methods abroad, and wonder how -much truth there can be in them.</p> - -<p>This, however, is trenching upon the ground of high commercial -politics, very far removed indeed from my feeble shopkeeping, and so -I must needs return humbly to the principal difficulty encountered on -the left hand side of my shop, or let us say grandiloquently, "The -Fancy and Art Needlework Department." When customers began to come in -we soon found that they almost invariably wanted something we had not -got in stock, often something which we had never heard of, and when -we hinted that the demand was infrequent or unusual, lifted shoulders -and half-closed eyes proclaimed most eloquently profound disbelief in -our statements, or an equally profound belief in our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> unfitness for -the particular business in which we were engaged. I was often tempted -to believe that ladies upon whose hands time hung heavy did of malice -aforethought study our poor windows, and finding that something in the -art needlework line which they knew of was not there (alas <i>that</i> was -not difficult), would enter boldly and ask for it. If by some happy but -unusual chance we had it, and displayed it triumphantly, nothing was -easier than to decry its quality or tint or something, and retiring say -that they would think about it. Doubtless in this employment there was -great sport to be found, seeing the number of women who practised it, -but it needed the exercise of much patience and amiability to take it -politely when once we had begun to realise that it was a game to these -folks, and nothing more.</p> - -<p>Still I make no doubt but that this trial did us good, in that no one -can exercise patience and politeness without becoming more patient -and polite. Only when the making of a sale was almost imperative by -reason of present need for money there was often a sick feeling at the -heart upon realising that the comfortably dressed, bejewelled woman -upon whom we were attending so assiduously had not the remotest idea -of making a purchase, but was only passing the time away in what was -to her a pleasant fashion. Such behaviour, so common among women of -leisure, is hard enough upon paid employees of a shop, but it is very -much harder upon such people as depend upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> the scanty earnings of the -shop itself. Ah well, it was only another of the lessons I was learning -that, as a sardonic shopkeeper friend of mine said one day, a small -trader in London must be a transgressor, in that his way was certainly hard.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER IX</span> <span class="smaller">IN HARNESS</span></h2> - -<p>Now indeed I began to realise, in spite of what I so often read in -the daily papers, something of the optimistic pushfulness of the -commercial traveller. The shop had not been open very long when they -began to call, and such was their power of persuasion, so eager were -they to sell me something, however little, so as to get a foot in as -it were, that I often felt grateful that I was away all day. I left -concise orders that nothing was to be bought, but on the occasions when -I happened to be at home I felt so soft and yielding in the hands of -these persistent pushers of their employer's wares that I could not but -pity my wife, charged as she was with the duty of saying no to men who -refused to recognise such a word as belonging to any language.</p> - -<p>They were so polite, so gentlemanly, so pathetic, and so well informed. -They seemed able to talk upon any subject, although they all had a -marvellous knack of twisting any topic round to the one they were -interested in. The luxuriance and fruitfulness of their imaginations, -too, always impressed me, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> although I always deprecated them -wasting their time over so impecunious a tradesman as I was I had -a good deal of joy in their company, bright and cheerful as it -always was. But I have also to confess that they were dangerous -counsellors. Their pleading for small orders, just one line, their -utter indifference to the payment, making it so fatally easy to get -into debt, I look back upon now with horror. And yet I suppose it is -of the essence of business, this hopeful airy outlook upon life. I -now see that I might have stocked my shop with the choicest products, -might have made it glow again and—but never mind—that comes later. -I am not, never was, a strong-minded person; except in certain very -restricted directions I am exceedingly prone to take the line of least -resistance, but I do feel just a little puffed up with the knowledge -that I was so often able to say no and stick to it in spite of all the -blandishments of those delightful drummers.</p> - -<p>I had been about a year in the shop when I realised that I could no -longer expect to do any good whatever with the fancy department. The -Islanders had obviously no aspirations in the direction of crewel work, -applique or any other form of art embroidery. Or if they had they did -not consider that my emporium was the place to satisfy them. So I -began to face the possibility of writing off all the expenditure on -that side as a loss, and the only question was, whose? For beyond all -controversy I was now in debt—how<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> much I would not know, dared not -contemplate. But as my picture-framing was still a going concern, and -subject to sudden spasmodic accessions of trade, I was always kept on -the tenterhooks of expectation—I dare not say hope—that one big order -might put things right. In this I was doubtless somewhat encouraged by -a sympathetic fellow-clerk, who used to suggest to me the possibility -of my getting orders for frames to be exhibited say in all the stations -from King's Cross to Aberdeen, and just for fun we often used to -speculate upon the profits to be obtained from such a contract. I knew -perfectly well that I stood not the slightest chance of getting such a -bit of fat as such a contract would be, but I felt that it cost nothing -to build a castle or two upon its possibilities, and so I did.</p> - -<p>Indeed I wanted some romance in my grey life now, for I was getting -hemmed in on every side. The rates kept going up, the gas bills were -crushing, sickness was perennial with us owing to the bad drainage -of the house, and to make matters very much worse, the structural -conditions of the place rendered it barely habitable. The landlord -would do nothing, and I could do nothing, towards making the house fit -to live in; and in consequence, as he lived next door, our relations, -as they say in the newspapers, were strained. I blamed him then, but -now I repent that I did so, for he was a poor man also, and he must -have often felt that his rent was in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> the greatest danger. As indeed it -was, although I gratefully remember that I <i>did</i> pay him all that he -was entitled to, not indeed without some slight coercion, but still I -did pay.</p> - -<p>Fortunately for me I had made the acquaintance of some religious bodies -in the neighbourhood, and I had now some employment for my Sundays. -This was a prime necessity for me, for I had never been able to go to -church in the ordinarily accepted sense of the term. I wanted to be up -and doing. And as I had been used to this for years I felt the loss of -it very much on coming to East Dulwich. And until I had made myself -known and received invitations to speak in the open air meetings, I was -quite unhappy. For no matter how much else I had to do, this particular -business seemed to be indispensable to my wellbeing, to supply a need -that nothing else would. I suppose that many of our present Members -of Parliament owe their positions to the same compelling desire of -holding forth to their fellows in the open air forum, of seeing the -effect that their oratory has upon their hearers. Now I am not going -to recapitulate the experiences I have set down in the "Apostle of the -South East," but only to point out that this life of mine was as you -might say triangular. First in point of importance, but not I fear in -consideration, was the office, when I drew my regular recurring pay. -Next the shop, which I never knew whether to class as an awful incubus -or a pleasant<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> recreation (it was both at times), and lastly the -evangelistic work in the open air which claimed most of my Sundays. I -might perhaps make up the square by bringing in my domestic life, but -that would involve writing of details that are quite private, and so I -leave that side to be assumed as a sort of leaven running through the -whole lump.</p> - -<p>From which foregoing outlines it may be taken for granted that my life -was fairly full, that I had no need to kill time. Yet so true is it -that the busiest people are always those who seem to have time at their -disposal, that I managed to keep up my reading, not merely of books but -newspapers, and followed all the events of the day with the keenest -interest. But this was not, as it never has been, from an ardent desire -to educate myself, and reach out ambitiously after something better -than I was doing. If in all I have written hitherto there is one word -that can be construed into a vain-glorious asking for praise on account -of my energy, my perseverance, my earnest desire to get on and all -the rest of the nauseous twaddle, I beg my readers to forgive me, and -to believe that I had not, never had, never can have the slightest -intention of posing in this manner.</p> - -<p>My <i>Apologia</i> must be this: I worked hard because I was afraid of -the consequences if I didn't, not at all because I was naturally -industrious, energetic, or ingenious, for I know that I was none of -these<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span> things, or rather that I had none of these fine qualities. I -read whenever I could, whatever I could, because I loved reading for -its own sake, and I read good stuff because I had a natural distaste -for rubbish. A good book could and can still make me forget all earthly -ills, all my surroundings, in fact make me cry and laugh and wonder, -while a bad book makes me absolutely ill if I persevere in reading it.</p> - -<p>To return to another development of my business as a picture-framer -consequent upon opening a shop. Delightful people came in and talked, -first about pictures and their frames, then about art in all its -branches (which by the way necessitated me reading up "Art"), and then -by an easy transition to any subject in which they were interested -at that particular time. Sometimes these breaks in the greyness of -everyday life were welcome, and led to most useful acquaintanceships -and friendships; but sometimes when I had an order to finish and -deliver for urgent reasons, I talked with a wild pre-occupied look and -itching hands, longing to tell my suave interlocutor to go to Jehannum -or elsewhere, and let me get on with my work, yet not daring to do so -for fear of offending a potential customer.</p> - -<p>Yet very often when such a one had given an order for a -one-and-ninepenny frame and had gone away, my over-wrought nerves -refused to allow me to finish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> what I had in hand. Because, -principally, of the glass. Now your born glass-cutter has no nerves, -cannot have. In the nice handling of a diamond across a virgin sheet of -fifteen-ounce glass, the slightest imaginative tremor must have fatal -results, that is as regards the profit to be made from clean cutting. -But this important matter must be much more particularly explained, for -to me it has often meant the difference between profit and loss, to say -nothing of the pains I endured by reason of my inability to swear—for -only language lurid, loud, and long, could relieve my labouring bosom, -I felt sure, on many of these occasions.</p> - -<p>Be it known to you then that the ordinary picture-framer's glass -comes from Belgium in cases containing I forget how many sheets each -about fifty inches long and thirty-six inches wide, and weighing -roughly fifteen ounces to the square foot. The price per case varies -continually, but it may be safely assumed that, given a <i>skilful -cutter</i>, a retail price of twopence halfpenny a square foot will yield -a profit of about twenty five per cent. Only, much of this glass has -so many air bubbles in it, is so uneven in thickness, that it can only -be used for pictures on the assumption that the customer will not -mind a bubble giving a sinister twist to some character's eye in the -picture, or in certain lights, a series of blotches upon the whole -scene. It is really window glass, but when Christmas<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> number plates -must be framed in competition for about eighteenpence each, no poor -framer can afford to regard trifles like that. And then its uneven -substance in such large sheets makes the manipulation of it a matter of -extreme difficulty except to those in constant practice and with highly -trained skill. Now very early in my occupation of a shop I learned that -I must give up my old fiddling system of buying my glass ready cut in -Westminster and carrying it home, for many reasons, not the least of -these being that I got no profit out of it.</p> - -<p>So I bought a diamond for twelve and sixpence, and happened to get a -very good one. Then I ordered a case of glass, and unconsciously with -it I received a stock of trouble out of all proportion to any profit I -was ever likely to make. Nothing that ever I undertook gave me so many -tremors, cost me so much sweat, as did this truly diabolical business -of glass-cutting. The rough case in which the sheets came standing -on its edge at the end of the shop was to me the abode of devils—I -approached it trembling, drew out a great wavering sheet, and lifted -it on to the sloping table covered with baize which I had made. If I -got it there all right I heaved a great sigh of relief, and usually -went about some other job for a little while to steady my nerves before -tackling the more important business of cutting. That is if there was -no one waiting for a square. If there was, although my mouth<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> was dry -and my heart was thumping furiously against my ribs I had perforce to -assure a jaunty air and even, God help me, hum a tune while my teeth -almost chattered. "Conscience doth make cowards of us all," but so -does poverty and dread of loss which can be ill borne, and I will back -poverty to be the greater maker of cowards. I know it will be thought -that I am making a lot of this trivial matter, but I solemnly declare -that during my seafaring career, in the presence very often of the most -appalling dangers, I have never felt the sickness of heart that has -come over me when one of the huge sheets of glass, has, despite all my -care, fallen in a heap of tinkling fragments from my shaking hands.</p> - -<p>I have many memories of painful endurance connected with glass, but one -stands out prominently from all the rest. It was on a Friday, and I -had rather a large order in hand which if I got in that night I might -reasonably hope to get the money for on Saturday, and so be ready for -that rapidly recurring bug-bear, Saturday night. I had three original -sheets of glass left in the case, ample to fill the order I had in -hand, even with a little more than my average allowance of accidents. -I was singing blithely at my work when the tell-tale bell over the -shop door announced a customer. With a sigh I laid down my tools, for -in the midst of a job like that at nine o'clock at night I dreaded -interruption, the more that I usually found<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> it profitless, trivial, -and annoying. I found a man in the shop twiddling a piece of string in -his fingers, and my heart sank, for I knew that meant glass cutting, -my customers for glass nearly always bringing their dimensions on -pieces of string. He asked me quietly for a strip of glass "that size" -throwing the string on the counter, <i>that</i> size being four feet long, -by four and a half inches wide. For one moment I meditated telling -him to go elsewhere, but an infernal spasm of pride came to me for my -undoing, and assuming an air of nonchalance to hide my smouldering rage -I drew out the first of my three sheets and laid it on the operating -table. I laid the cutting laths on it and drew my diamond along its -surface for about a foot when click! it cracked diagonally across. -There was a cry of sympathy from my enemy, but without a word I removed -the pieces and drew out another sheet. That literally fell to fragments -as I was lifting it on the table.</p> - -<p>Now my nerves were fretted to fiddle strings, but with the calmness of -despair I laid hold on the third and last sheet taking absolutely no -heed of some remarks which the man was making behind me. I got that -on the table all right and cut the strip off, but as I was handing it -to him it fell in three pieces. I went on to cut another strip and -the remainder cracked in two lines making it almost useless for any -purpose. Then almost blind and deaf with suppressed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> rage and misery I -turned to my customer saying in a queer sounding voice, "I've got no -more glass to break, you'll have to go somewhere else." And then he -said something, <i>I</i> don't know what it was, but I suddenly lost control -of myself and poured forth my sentiments.</p> - -<p>I was wrong, unjust, and rude, for it was certainly no fault of his, -and I have no excuse whatever, but oh it was hard to have to spoil -six or seven shillings worth of glass, to have ruined my chance of -completing the order I had in hand, and, as far as I could see, to -have jeopardised the poor kids' Sunday dinner—which was the unkindest -stroke of all. He had no sooner gone, with his measly sixpence still in -his pocket, than I shut up the shop, put away my tools, turned out the -gas, and went to bed with a book. But it was long ere I could make any -sense out of the printed characters—they all danced amid a glittering -halo of broken glass.</p> - -<p>I had made several spasmodic efforts next day to overtake the -difficulty which had fallen in my way, but unsuccessfully, and at 9 -<span class="smaller">P.M.</span> having done all I could towards the order, short of -getting the glass for it, was standing disconsolately by my bench -fingering in my trousers pocket a shilling and a few coppers—all -I had, on a Saturday night, to "get the things in," as we say, for -Sunday. Suddenly there came shrilling up the stairs a cheerful -whistle—four notes of the ascending diatonic scale—the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> signal of my -inestimable chum Bob from the library over the way. It was literally -what the Hindus call a <i>Hawa-dilli</i>, a heart lifter, whenever I heard -it, but never more so than now. I gave the response, and he came -bounding up—full of beans as usual. "Well, old stick, how—" and then -he stopped, my haggard look I suppose daunted him. "Why, what's up -then?" he queried. "Broke all your glass?" I nodded gloomily, and then -because I was selfish, and full of my own trouble, I burst out and told -him all.</p> - -<p>He listened in silence, but with a face full of sympathy, and when I -had finished he said, thrusting his hands down deep into his pockets, -"That's too bad; and I haven't got three bob myself. But wait a bit—I -believe I can touch Curwen for a quid till pay day—I'll be back in a -minute," and he was gone. He seemed to be back almost immediately, with -a joyful face, shouting, "All right, old man, here's half the plunder," -holding out half a sovereign to me. Did I take it? Certainly I did; the -possibility of not doing so never occurred to me, for I knew even then -that I would do the same as Bob had done had I the opportunity. Yes, I -took the money, and in a few minutes had laid in my supplies for Sunday -with an easy mind, but without extravagance.</p> - -<p>This which is noted as if it might be an extraordinary occurrence, -was nothing of the sort. Something similar happened many times, -indeed it was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> a fair sample of the friendship I enjoyed with this -particular man—a true fellowship which I am glad to mention as a -sample of the goodwill existing between chums, and as far removed from -the cold-blooded so-called charity of the majority of those who have -great possessions as can well be. If I dared I would like to add to -it by giving some instances of similar kindnesses received from one -or two others, not perhaps quite so intimate, but quite as kindly -meant, and as spontaneously offered. Only, alas, I know that to be more -explicit upon this head would be to offend those generous hearts most -grievously. They belong to the small select class who hate the idea of -their left hand knowing what their right hand does. Above all creeds -they yet practically obey the highest of all, and do their good deeds -with a shame-faced shrinking from publicity that is simply inexplicable -to those whose names figure so prominently in subscription lists.</p> - -<p>Amidst all the memories of that strenuous time, which cluster so -thickly around me as I write, none are more delightful than these—of -the sympathy and practical help I met with from those who were almost -as poor as myself. And, be it noted, not one of these dear friends were -in sympathy with the work which lay nearest my heart, the open-air -preaching. They were not Christian Brothers, nor did they feel at all -inclined to come under my teaching. It is,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> I fear, a lurid commentary -upon the way in which, within the churches, practical Christianity -is followed up, that in all my extensive experience, most of the -individual helping, the ready sympathy in practical ways for those -in trouble has come from "unbelievers" as they are contemptuously -termed. An enormous amount of "charity" is dispensed by the churches in -orthodox ways with due recognition of the donors, and often more than -adequate reward to the agents who distribute, but at whatever cost I -must affirm that it is nothing either as regards quantity, quality, -and effectiveness, with that individually given by those who make no -claim upon the name of Christian at all. What does this mean? To me it -means that while the Christian says that he is unworthy of the least -of the Father's mercies, he endeavours to find out before bestowing -a halfpenny in charity that the recipient shall be worthy in his -estimation of <i>his</i> charity! I speak as a man, but that is my opinion. </p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER X</span> <span class="smaller">THE COTTAGE <i>ORNÉE</i></span></h2> - -<p>There must have been in the minds of those who have read so far, and -who have had some practical experience themselves, a dim enquiry, how -did this feeble tradesman keep out of the County Court? For to those -who have ever been in a like position to mine, the terror of the County -Court, the nearest approach to the Cadi under the palm tree that modern -jurisprudence can know, has been ever present. It is true that after -I became unable to pay my wholesale purveyor's bills as they came in, -I was put to great straits in writing, requesting, yes, begging, for -time to pay for what I had bought, because I had not yet sold it, nor -indeed had I any hope of doing so. These, however, were not the people -to sue me in a small debts court. Nor since I never had credit from the -neighbouring shopkeepers had I any difficulty with them, poor people, -whose only remedy, and that a weak one, with rogues lay in the County -Court.</p> - -<p>Thus it came about that I only knew the charming little one-story -building in the Camberwell New Road, which some delightful writer, I -forget who,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> has characterised as the "Cottage Ornée," by sight, and -its inscription, cut into the stucco of its façade, "Lambeth County -Court," never gave me a qualm. Every day I passed it either on foot or, -when I was well to do, on the twenty-four a shilling tram, which ran -from Camberwell Green to Vauxhall Station, and it really never occurred -to me that one day I should be all too familiar with the precincts. -That day came, however, and in a peculiar manner. I had hinted that -I was on none too good terms with my landlord, who lived next door -be it remembered, and our closer acquaintance did not at all improve -our relations. The fact is, I suppose, that he never understood me, -and I am sure I never understood him. He was trying to make a living -out of his shop next door and the little property which I rented from -him, and resented any attempts I made to compel him to render my -premises more habitable. I naturally saw things from my own standpoint, -and reprobated him for a soulless despot, who, having secured me as -a lessee of his rotten, tumble-down premises, expected me, while -paying him a heavy rental, to keep them in repair, which I resented -accordingly; and at last matters came to the pitch of my refusing to -pay any more rent until that desirable messuage, which I was lessee of, -should have its roof repaired and made tenantable, as I put it, for -human beings.</p> - -<p>He did not see eye to eye with me, and fell back<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span> upon the landlord's -best friend, a bum-bailiff, called in our vernacular, with every -inflection of emphasis that dislike could suggest, "th' bum." A most -unenviable occupation, and one requiring a front of brass, as well -as a great deal of callous energy. Such men should have no feelings, -and usually appear as if they had none, for they are willing for a -consideration that all the odium incurred by the landlord should be -transferred to them. There are, of course, exceptions to this general -rule, for some bailiffs are kindly and generous and honest, but I -unfortunately came across a bad specimen of the genus indeed. He -entered my shop one day, during my absence, and enquired for me, well -knowing that I was away at the Office, and gradually wormed his way -into the confidence of my wife by representing himself to her as a -friend who was deeply interested in my welfare, and anxious to arrange -amicably the little difference, as he put it, between my landlord and -myself. She was quite won by his manner, and entertained him with -tea until my arrival, when she introduced him to me in his assumed -character.</p> - -<p>I was quite as easily gulled as she was, and after a few minutes -amicable conversation, during which he repeatedly professed to be -able to smooth matters between my landlord and myself, as it was so -undesirable that neighbours such as we were should be on bad terms, -I showed him over the house, and pointed out to him its deplorable -condition. In this connection<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> I also mentioned my many difficulties, -and the impossibility of my undertaking the necessary repairs even if -I felt disposed to, which I most emphatically did not. This confidence -of mine corroborated what my wife had been telling him, though that I -did not then know, and should have made him sorry for the task he had -set himself. But presently, to my amazement, he said, quite casually, -"Well, about this quarter's rent, don't you think you'd better pay -it and save trouble?" I stared at him for a moment, not even then -realising that I had been entertaining a wolf in sheep's clothing, and -then replied, "I couldn't pay it anyhow before the end of the month" -(it was then about the twentieth), "but I shan't pay it until he makes -the place fit to live in."</p> - -<p>"Oh well," he answered coolly, "you know your own business best, I -suppose. I've done all I can, and if you won't pay, I must leave a man -in possession, that's all. He's waiting outside. There's my card," and -with that he displayed to my horror-stricken gaze a piece of pasteboard -on which the words, "Broker and Appraiser" stood out apparently in -letters of fire. My eyes were opened indeed, but it was too late. I -could only promise to do what I could on the morrow, and plead that -in the meantime he would keep his man off the premises, in view of -the harm in a business sense it would undoubtedly do me. This, after -much apparent cogitation and very grudgingly, he consented to do on -my solemn<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> promise to have the money there for him, with his fee in -addition, the next evening at six o'clock. And then he strode out with -the air of a conqueror, all his suavity of demeanour having vanished -with the necessity for it.</p> - -<p>Eight pounds to be obtained by six o'clock the next day! No credit -anywhere, not a bit of portable property pawnable, and pay-day ten -days off. Yes, I know what you are thinking, reader, "Is it possible -that this man had let his rent fall due without making any provision -for it?" To go into explanations would take far too long, and would, -besides, not be over profitable, so the easiest way is to say that I -<i>had</i> been so foolish and improvident, and whatever other epithet may -be chosen, and not for the first time either. But hitherto I had always -managed to pay up well within the usual days of grace allowed without -having a bailiff presented to me.</p> - -<p>I'm afraid I did not get much sleep that night, which was unusual, -for although I did not sleep long I slept soundly as a rule. One -fact stood out prominently in my memory, the advertisement of a -philanthropist in one of the streets off the Adelphi, who was always -prepared to advance to gentlemen in permanent employment, who might -be temporarily embarrassed, £5 on their simple note of hand without -any bothering security whatever. Prudence whispered, "Don't do it." -Necessity growled, "You must." And so next day, during my luncheon -hour, I hurried with a thumping<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span> heart to the address given in the -advertisement. The matter was simplicity itself. The gentleman was a -well-fed young Hebrew of quiet manners, who merely asked me a civil -question or two and referred to a red book. "All right, Mr Bullen, -you can have £5 on your signing this promissory note to pay £5. 10s. -this day month." I accepted eagerly, shook hands cordially, and in -two minutes was speeding back to the office with this precious fiver -in my pocket. The making up of the other £3 was a matter of much more -difficulty, and I am not justified in giving details, but I hurried -home at five with £7. 19s. 6d. in my pocket, and a feeling of ability -to face anybody and anything.</p> - -<p>But had I known it, I had just taken a step that cost me afterwards -more suffering than I even now care to think of. That simple little -fiver, so easily borrowed at 120 per cent. per annum, and parted with -directly to pay a debt that ought never to have become a debt! Well, I -cannot say that it the was beginning of sorrows, but it certainly was -the beginning of a great accession to the sorrows I already had. And I -went home as glad as a boy who had just passed his first examination, -as pleased as if I had just found five pounds instead of having added -some rivets to the chain already round my neck.</p> - -<p>The broker was waiting for me when I got home—when I saw him I felt -with a chill that he knew all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> that I had been doing to get his claim -settled—and I greeted him manfully, but without effusion, lugging the -money out of my pocket and pushing it over towards him. He counted -it in silence and gave me a receipt, and then said, as if it was an -after-thought, "Oh, a friend of mine asked me to give you this as I -should be seeing you." <i>This</i> was a summons to the Lambeth County Court -to give reasons why I should not summarily pay an account of £7 odd -incurred for attendance and medicine some five months before. What I -thought as I gazed at the document I do not know, what I said were the -banal words "All right, I'll attend to it." Yes <i>I</i> could attend to it, -returnable in a week's time too. My pay of £9. 3s. 4d. never seemed to -go very far in the settling of the demands made upon me, but this month -it seemed as if it were a mere farce to take it up at all, so little -would it do. And then there were the poor rates, the gas account, the -water rate, and a few other little things of that kind, to say nothing -of the perfectly ridiculous yet nevertheless imperative necessity of -obtaining food for six persons.</p> - -<p>However, as long as the demands were not made on the spur of the -moment, as it were, I felt, like the immortal Micawber, that something -might turn up, and so I went stolidly on my way, only carefully noting -the date of my enforced appearance at the County Court. My chief -difficulty at this troublous time, as it always was afterwards while I -was a <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>shopkeeper, was the absence of ready money, even in such small -amounts as might suffice to pay the few pence required to pay my fare -to and from the office on a wet day. This gave an exquisite relish to -the farce of receiving not merely begging circulars, but visits of -calling beggars, whether they boldly asked alms, or in a confidential -manner requested the loan of a few shillings for a fortnight.</p> - -<p>When the day of my appearance at Court arrived, I was punctual in my -attendance, having obtained a day's leave from the office, and I must -admit, that in spite of the urgency of my own private affair, I found -it possible to take a great amount of interest, and find a great deal -of amusement in what was going on. I must also confess that I was -really appalled at the utter disregard of the value of the oath taken -by those appearing as plaintiffs or defendants. It was rare, indeed, -to find in any case that the plaintiff did not swear one thing and the -defendant the exact opposite. The duty of the Registrar (I had not -made the acquaintance of the judge yet) seemed to consist of deciding -which was the most likely story out of each pair told him, and acting -accordingly. And as I was not called upon till midday, I heard a great -deal of this, so much indeed that I felt full of wonder how any man -could occupy such a position as that presiding officer did and retain -any belief in what anybody said.</p> - -<p>At last my case was called, and it was simplicity<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> itself. "Do you owe -this money?" queried the Registrar sharply. "Yes, sir," I replied. -"Then why don't you pay it?" was the next and most obvious question. -"Because I can't," I answered humbly, and was proceeding to explain -those reasons, although I could see the gentleman I was addressing was -taking no notice of me, when he suddenly stopped me and called upon my -creditor (who I may say, was not the doctor, but an agent to whom the -doctor paid a percentage for collecting his debts) to give evidence of -my means. He stated what he knew very fairly, viz. that I kept a shop -and had a permanent situation. Upon which the Registrar ordered me to -pay within a fortnight and called the next case. I was, of course, -mightily astonished at being so peremptorily silenced, especially as -I felt sure that from what I had seen that morning I should have got -on much better had I denied the debt altogether. But I was only then -commencing my acquaintance with our laws, as affecting debtor and -creditor, wherein at every turn a premium is placed upon dishonesty -and falsehood, and the honest debtor seldom obtains either justice or -mercy. Of that, however, later on.</p> - -<p>That first experience of mine at the County Court, apart altogether -from my personal interest in it, was a serious revelation to me. I had -no idea before how futile were the oath-takings, with what lightness -of heart men and women perjured themselves. I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> do not mean by that -any reference to difficulty of expression or treachery of memory, but -deliberate lying upon oath, and that too about such trivial matters -as a few shillings, or even, as it appeared to me, for the sake of -preventing a friend from losing a case. Also I was amazed to see how -lightly this matter was regarded by the officials; for I had always -looked upon perjury as a crime of such magnitude as to be even spoken -of with bated breath. But these officials lived in an atmosphere of -perjury, and had I suppose, grown case hardened, at anyrate, they heard -it all day long and took no heed as far as I could see. I make no -excuse for referring to this matter again, because of what I believe to -be its tremendous significance.</p> - -<p>Another thing in which I then first became much interested was the ease -with which anybody possessed of sufficient impudence and plausibility -could accumulate debt, repudiate it or ignore it, or delay paying any -part of it until summoned for it, and then quite easily, as it appeared -to me, get off by paying a ridiculous sum per month. Here in many cases -I failed to see any justice at all. To illustrate my meaning I will -quote two typical cases. The first was that of a man who did not appear -himself, but sent his young wife, who was rather good-looking, very -smartly dressed, and completely equipped with saucy self-confidence and -much power of repartee. The debt was £15 for meat supplied from day to -day.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> Small amounts had been paid off the ever-growing bill, but at -last the butcher, who was in a very small way of business, feeling that -his hopes of ever getting his money were growing so faint as almost to -disappear altogether, summoned the debtor for the amount. Undoubtedly -he had been very patient, but then if such patience were not common -among small traders, however would the poor live?</p> - -<p>The debt was not denied, for a wonder, but the lady pleaded, "My -'usban's ben aht o' work fur a good many weeks, an' he aint earnin' -more'n fifteen shillin' a week nah, me washup, an' so we cahn't pye -this money." "But you have been still running up the bill," said the -judge. "Yus me washup," said the lady, "we 'ad ter live, yer see." -Upon being appealed to for leniency to the debtor under these sad -conditions, the butcher successfully proved that the consumer of his -meat had four carts and six horses, and kept four men in constant -employment. As to being ill or out of work, these statements were pure -embroidery, the whole concern was in flourishing order, and had been -for years. The butcher wound up by declaiming indignantly, "An' I -gotter find a bloke like that in grub wot I gotter pye my hard-earned -brass down on the nail fer, 'im as could buy an' sell me twicet over -any dye?" it did seem queer.</p> - -<p>But the net result was that the debtor was <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>condemned to pay his debt -of £15 and costs off at the rate of <i>five shillings</i> per month, and -the lady danced out of the witness box with a <i>moue</i> full of derision -at the hapless butcher. Lest this may seem to be an especially chosen -incident I here assert that such a case is peculiarly common and -typical as is the next case I quote, but the reason for the difference -in treatment I leave wiser heads than mine to determine.</p> - -<p>A pale, slender man neatly dressed and giving his occupation as that -of a clerk, was summoned by a doctor for a debt and costs of £5. 10s. -This, by the way, was at another County Court and before a judge. Asked -why he did not pay the bill, the defendant pleaded that the amount -originally asked was excessive, inasmuch as it was for three visits and -two bottles of medicine. He further stated that he was just emerging -from a long period of unemployment, and that his wages were now £2 per -week.</p> - -<p>Without calling upon the doctor the judge thundered at the unfortunate -debtor "who are you to assess the value of the doctor's services? Pay -the whole amount within a fortnight. That'll do, I won't hear another -word. Next case." And the hapless debtor went slowly down and out as -much surprised as I was, doubtless, at the strange inequalities of -justice. The case was peculiarly noticeable in that the defendant, -having moved a long way from the neighbourhood after incurring the -debt, had voluntarily <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>returned to the doctor with the first money he -had earned to pay his bill, and only refused on account of what he -considered its exorbitant amount. I make no comment, I only wonder.</p> - -<p>Now came for a time a blessed relief, not that is from any of the major -burdens, but from my most pressing necessities. Orders flowed in from -all quarters, and I found the utmost difficulty in keeping pace with -them. I used to get up at half-past two or three in the morning, and -after making myself a cup of tea get to work with such furious energy, -that I look back upon it now with utter amazement. Many and many a time -I have done what anybody might consider a really good day's work before -breakfast-<i>time</i> (I never had any breakfast) or say eight o'clock, when -I must needs wash and dress and rush off to my office work where I was -due at nine. By the time one o'clock came, I had a decent appetite -which I stayed very cheaply, my early experience now standing me in -good stead. A half-penny loaf, a pennyworth of cheese, a half-penny -beetroot or a penny tomato with a half a pint of mother-in-law (stout -and bitter) to wash it down with, used to make me a very good meal at -a cost of threepence or fourpence. Or I would, if flush of money, have -a quarter of boiled pork and a ha'porth of pease pudding, which with -a halfpenny loaf or a ha'porth of potatoes made a sumptuous meal and -one that I enjoyed far more than any elaborate banquets I have ever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> -attended since. And the total cost never exceeded sixpence.</p> - -<p>Such meals had a relish all their own, and if business drove me to a -cook-shop for the orthodox cut off the joint and two vegetables for -sixpence, I never enjoyed it as well, with one exception. A local -cook-shop made a speciality of stewed steak, at least that is what -they called it, though it was really shin of beef, and it was very -good and satisfying, with plenty of thick brown gravy. They only -charged fourpence for it, so that with a pennyworth of potatoes and a -pennyworth of pudding afterwards I could make a really good meal for -sixpence. Here I learned what was of great use to me, a lesson that I -now see inculcated on every hand, how small a quantity of food the body -really needs to do good work upon, and conversely how much more food -than is really necessary the average man or woman does consume. But I -cannot take any credit for this learning, for like so many other useful -lessons conveyed to us it was compulsory, I had no choice but to learn -it. The result has been at any rate that the "pleasures of the table" -have never since then meant anything to me, one plain meal in the -middle of the day sufficing for all my needs, and keeping me in such -health as the results of my overwork will allow me.</p> - -<p>Still I should be very sorry to go about endeavouring to force other -people to go and do likewise, because I have learned very thoroughly -how great a factor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> is individuality, and how true is the old proverb -that one man's meat is another man's poison. And I humbly think that if -some of our vociferous propagandists would learn that lesson also it -would be much better for the general peace.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XI</span> <span class="smaller">NEARING THE END</span></h2> - -<p>There was no especial reason as far as I know for closing that last -chapter, and commencing a new one, except that it was getting too long -in my opinion. For the story I was telling was incomplete, I having -gone off at an unexpected angle on the question of food supplies. -However, I will now resume and say that the influx of work I mentioned -lasted for a fortnight, during the whole of which time I can aver that, -except on Sundays, I was never in bed after 3 a.m. or before 11 p.m., -and that I was often so weary on coming home from the city with a load -of moulding, that I would sit down on a chair in the shop and be unable -to rise for half an hour. But as I would not allow myself to think -about the future, or ask myself what was the good of it all, I was not -unhappy, and I was able to take a good deal of pride in my work. And by -the time the pressure slackened, I had settled that wretched summons, -had paid my rates, and a few other immediate liabilities, besides being -able to buy a few sorely needed articles of clothing for the family. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> - -<p>There was however no lightening of the old burden of debt, and in -fact I realised that nothing short of a miracle would enable me to do -that. For if I got all the work I craved for I should surely break -down, while the utmost that I could earn would not do much more than -pay the heavy current expenses of the shop. Had I been able to employ -some help, it might have been better, but I don't know about that. I -had to do my own errands—I could not delegate my buying in the city -to anybody else, although it did entail such a heavy burden upon me -physically. Meanwhile I paid cash for everything I had, though I did -not pay anything of the bills already incurred.</p> - -<p>In this connection I have an amusing recollection. The moulding -merchant with whom I dealt was an elderly German in a large way of -business, and I had always heard of him as a kindly old soul, but had -never come into personal contact with him. Now, however, I owed him -nearly £30, for which I had given a bill, and was constantly renewing -it; and, consequently, although I dealt with the firm for all my -mouldings, and paid cash, I dreaded meeting one of the principals, and -indeed slank in and out of the premises like a thief. One day, however, -I ran right into the old gentleman, who looked at me keenly and said, -"Ach, Meesder Boollen, aindt id?" I humbly answered, "Yes, sir." "Yes, -sir," he rather mockingly replied, "now I haf peen in pizness here in -London for more as tirty year, andt I nefer ad a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> gustomer dot righdt -me sooch nice ledders as you. But you tondt send me no money, hein? I -likes to read dose ledders, dey vas very goot, but vy tondt you pay -some money too, hein?"</p> - -<p>I endeavoured to give him such reasons as I had, and he listened -carefully, saying when I had done, "Ach so! Vell, you pay ven you -can, undt tondt you go puying your mouldings someveres ellas mit your -ready money. Ve all haf droubles, undt ve get over 'em. You get over -yours somedime I hope, and den you pay your bill. Goodt efening." And -he turned and went into his office, while I went on into the moulding -shop with a warm feeling of gratitude to the kind old man, and a firm -determination that he should not suffer loss through me if I could -possibly help it.</p> - -<p>Thenceforward I struggled on, sometimes feeling as if the waters which -were always about my chin would suddenly submerge me, but compelled to -go on. I often compared myself at this time to a man running in front -of a train, between two high walls, allowing of no escape to either -side, having no choice but to run or be run over. Still I found solace -in my books and newspapers, and relieved my mind of some of its cares -by taking an intense interest in political matters as well as the open -air propaganda of religion.</p> - -<p>What I suppose will strike some people with amazement is the fact that -starting as an extreme radical, never a Home Ruler, I gradually became -utterly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> disgusted with the radical position. Full of admiration for -the socialism of Christ, I grew to detest the socialism that I saw -being practised by the noisy party in the vestry, and the doctrines -I heard preached by the socialists in the open air simply filled me -with dismay. For it was nothing else but the survival of the unfit and -incurably idle, the morally degenerate, at the expense of the fit, -the hard-working and ever-striving classes, an effort in short not to -level up, but to level down, a complete subversion of the golden rule -of do to all men as ye would they should do unto you. Get all you can -for yourself, and the devil take anybody else. Eat and drink all you -can at somebody else's expense, no matter who. Beget as many children -as you like, and let somebody else care for them. And so on. Oh! it -used to make me very sick and sorry, but I am glad to say that in my -preaching of what I felt to be right, I always had a most sympathetic -and respectful hearing; and I really do believe that the detestable -doctrines of loaferdom and savagery which masquerade as socialism have -very little hold upon the ordinary people of our streets.</p> - -<p>Another great solace of mine was an occasional chat with my fellow -shopkeepers, most of whom, like myself, had a severe struggle to live. -It makes me positively ill to hear the blatant cant that is talked -about the working man, meaning journeymen and labourers only. The -small London suburban shopkeeper toils far harder than any of them, is -preyed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> upon by them to an extent which must be incredible to those -who don't know, is taxed almost out of existence to support them in -the schemes continually being propounded for their benefit by their -representatives on the Borough Councils, and is quoted in radical -newspapers as the bitter enemy of the working classes.</p> - -<p>I found them a kindly, genial, well-informed class of men, shrewd -and keen, as indeed they need be in order to live, and particularly -free from the petty vices of public-house loafing, betting, and bad -language, which are so peculiarly the characteristics of the "working -man." But the hardest hit of them all I think were the small grocers. -I knew two or three of them intimately, men whose lives were one long -grey grind of labour. Who could not live unless they opened very early -in the morning, before the big capitalist shops, such as the Home and -Colonial, Lipton's, etc., and kept open late at night for the same -reason. Even then they would not have been able to live but for giving -credit, which the big combinations do not allow their employees to do. -Many hundreds of families would come to the workhouse long before they -do, especially in hard winters, but for these small tradesmen giving -them credit for the bare necessities of life, and thus tiding them -over the pinching time. This system of first aid can hardly be called -philanthropy, since those who extend it do it for a living, and yet in -the multitudinous life<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> of poor London it is a huge and most important -factor. Even the poor itinerant coal merchant, who goes to the wharf -and buys his coal by the ton, and then retails it through the streets -in small quantities from dawn to dark, may be seen on Saturdays, -the hardest day of all, when his selling of coal is done, painfully -dragging his weary way from door to door, collecting the payment for -the coal he has been vending on credit all the week.</p> - -<p>The costermonger, who has a regular pitch and regular customers, -competing with the tradesmen to whom he stands opposite in the most -unfair way, in that he has no rent, rates, or taxes to pay, will give -credit, and generously too, although he may often through a bad week -have to pay usurious interest in order to borrow the money to go to -market with. In fact all the small traders give credit, for the reasons -I have already stated. Of course, in this way much very inferior stuff -is got rid of, because it is certain that he who buys on credit retail -with either tradesman will have to pay higher prices than for cash, -or will have to put up with inferior goods, since it is impossible to -scrutinise too closely what you are receiving on credit unless indeed -you are of sufficient rank to make a tradesman glad to serve you on any -terms.</p> - -<p>One great exception to the universal rule of credit is the publican. -Because his wares are a luxury, and the indulgence in them in many -cases prevents<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> the payment of legitimate claims, money can always be -found for him much, to the other shopkeepers' disgust. So far is this -system of credit carried out that I have known men get their ha'penny -morning and evening paper on credit, and even take their workman's -ticket, which their news vendor kept a supply of for the convenience of -customers, with the casual remark, "Stony broke this mornin', old man, -pay you on Saturday." More fools they to allow it, I hear some folks -say, but such poor traders allow a good many things to be done to them -rather than get the name of being close-fisted with their customers.</p> - -<p>To return for a moment to the work of the small shopkeeper, take for -instance the butcher. He must needs go to market, no matter what the -weather may be, as early as three or four in the morning; he is hard -at work all day fully exposed to the weather, and on Saturday must -keep open until one o'clock on Sunday morning. In addition to this in -many neighbourhoods it is imperative for him to open again on Sunday -for a few hours in order to satisfy the demands of those curious folk -who will not do their marketing on Saturday while the "houses" (public -understood) are open, and when they close at twelve o'clock are unfit -for anything but quarrelling or reeling home to bed. Hence Sunday -trading with all its attendant evils and its cruel strain upon the -small tradesman.</p> - -<p>I must confess, however, that although I sympathised<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> so deeply with -all my shopkeeping associates, personally, I did not suffer as they -did. For my business being of a non-essential character it did not -greatly matter how late I opened my shop or how early I closed it. That -I had to carry my materials home from the city was due to the facts of -my position being so bad that I could not lay in a stock, and partly -because I found it cheaper and more convenient, if more laborious, -to buy my moulding as I got orders for frames. Another thing I must -say in justice to my customers, and in spite of the reputation of the -neighbourhood as impressed upon me when I started in business there—I -made practically no bad debts. Perhaps that was partly due to the fact -that people do not, in humble walks of life that is, have pictures -framed until they have the money ready to pay for the work; and another -thing, when I took work home, I always waited for the money, for I -always wanted it urgently.</p> - -<p>Occasionally, it is true, I had a little difficulty with people who -talked grandiloquently of calling round in a day or two, and paying -a bill of a few shillings, or of sending a cheque, say, of seven and -sixpence, but they were exceedingly seldom. But I had many heart -burnings through the vagaries of a certain type of person who would -come in and waste hours of my time (and I noticed that these visits -usually occurred when I was urgently busy) examining mouldings and -getting estimates up to several pounds in value.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> After which they -vanished, and I never saw them again.</p> - -<p>Once I was fairly victimised, though fortunately for only a small -amount, but I must plead that it took a long time. And as the story -is, in my opinion at any rate, exceedingly romantic, I may be pardoned -for telling it at length. In the course of business we had made the -acquaintance of a French lady, said to be a countess, and through her -we became intimate with her son and a lady from Sweden reputed to be -his wife. He was a pupil of Schubert, and an exquisite violinist, -and as I was always a great lover of music, and he was exceedingly -hospitable, we often went to his house, which was close at hand in -Melbourne Grove. There we met a truculent individual, black-avised, as -the old description runs, speaking a most hideous travesty of English, -and withal behaving as if he owned the establishment. His name I never -rightly knew, but it was nearly all consonants I remember, and he -was introduced to me as a Russian prince who had taken a prominent -part in the tragedy of Plevna, and held the rank of Captain in the -Preobrajensky Guards. Only a day or two elapsed after my first meeting -with this warrior when he appeared in my shop, and endeavoured to -tell me a wonderful tale of a diamond necklace worth some thousands -of pounds, the property of a French lady of high rank. This splendid -article had been pawned for a large sum, and the ticket had nearly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> -run out, but if it were redeemed it could be repledged for a greatly -increased sum, and the kindly person who would advance the cash for -this transaction would make something like 200 per cent. for his -amiability. How I understood all this I do not know but I did, and -smiled sardonically at the idea of me being selected for the operation, -<i>me!</i> who never had any money except what I was in immediate and -pressing need of.</p> - -<p>His highness seemed genuinely and pathetically surprised, also somewhat -incredulous, when I managed to convey to him the true state of affairs -concerning myself. I did not, however, trouble to tell him that I felt -absolutely bristling with caution towards him, regarding him as the -worst type of the <i>Chevalier d'industrie</i> I had ever heard of. So he -went away, but did not cease his visits to me, sometimes flashing a -pocketful of gold, sometimes without a sou. At last he made his grand -coup. He advertised in the French papers for a valet to attend upon -a Russian nobleman, who, as he had much valuable jewellery, would -require a deposit of £70 as security against dishonesty. Then he took -a house in East Dulwich Grove on a twenty-one year lease, and entered -into negotiations with a furnishing company to fit it up. Of course he -got his valet and his security, with part of which he paid the first -instalment of the purchase of his furniture. Within a week he had -sold every item of that furniture, and leaving his hapless valet<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> to -starve in the empty house, had departed to the wilds of Soho to lead -a gay life as long as the money lasted. For this was his peculiarity, -stamping him indubitably as one of the <i>boys</i> so graphically depicted -by Mr Ernest Binstead; he would lie, swindle, steal, do anything to -obtain money, sell the bed from under his dying mother, let us say, -or worse than that if it were possible, and when the money was in his -possession he would fling it broadcast with both hands as if he were -lord of millions.</p> - -<p>He had hardly disappeared before a man came to me who gave me his -card, which described him as a diamond merchant. He told me a pitiful -story of how the vanished nobleman had victimised him in the matter -of a diamond necklace, at which I felt the corners of my mouth relax -as I thought "same old song and dance." In consequence of the evil -wrought in his accounts by this most untoward transaction, he was -under the painful necessity of raising a loan on a bill of sale. His -house was fairly well furnished, but—he had no pictures. Now I knew -what pictures were to a house and—by the way—what a beautiful lot of -engravings I had framed to be sure. (I almost purred.) If I would only -lend him a few just to hang on his walls while the money-lender looked -around, he would be glad to pay me a pound for the accommodation, and -I could have the pictures back the next morning. Of course I wanted a -pound very badly, and I didn't see much risk, and the pictures<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> had -been in stock so long that I didn't reckon them at more than £2. 10s. -anyhow, so I said, "All right, I'll bring them round in an hour's -time." He thanked me and left. He had not been gone more than five -minutes, when a neighbour who was a baker came in and asked me if that -wasn't the tenant of No. — East Dulwich Grove, who had just gone out. -I said it was, and gave an outline of the transaction just completed. -My neighbour quietly said that they owed him fifty bob for bread, and -he meant to have it, and left.</p> - -<p>I took the pictures up and hung them. They looked very well, and the -family was loud in expressions of admiration. After many assurances -that I should have them back the next day, I left, meeting on my way -back my baker neighbour. He called on me about two hours later, saying -that he'd got his money, but only after kicking up such a row that the -respectable Grove was quite scandalised, and even the paupers at the -workhouse infirmary opposite were interested. I only smiled, for I -thought I understood. When, however, I found an my arrival home next -day that my pictures had <i>not</i> been returned, and on calling round at -the house found it empty, I realised that in spite of all my confidence -in my own astuteness I had been done. Two days later, I saw my pictures -exposed for sale in a local pawnshop at a far higher price than I had -ever dared to ask for them. I had a chat with the pawnbroker on the -subject, and he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> seemed very much amused. I found it difficult to -understand why then, although it is clearer to me now.</p> - -<p>I also had a visit once from a certain notorious adventuress, whose -alias was, I believe, Mrs Gordon. She made quite a lot of interesting -copy for the newspapers about that time, and her picture was published -in various journals. But her plan for getting something out of me -was not very ingenious, at any rate I easily evaded it, and took -considerable credit to myself for my cleverness in doing so.</p> - -<p>Taking things all round, however, I was very fortunate in not being -victimised to any extent, for there is a large number of ingenious folk -going about London whose business it is to entrap unwary tradesmen who -deal in goods which may be easily disposed of for a trifle of ready -money. Dealers in perishable commodities, such as butchers, bakers, -grocers, or green-grocers, are tolerably safe from the attentions of -these gentry, but jewellers, furniture dealers, picture dealers, etc., -are particularly liable to be preyed upon, as I found, and indeed my -poverty was several times my only protection. I could not fall into -their traps, because I wanted money on account, which they never had.</p> - -<p>Now, strange as it may seem, I really did build up a fairly good -reputation in the neighbourhood as a picture-framer of taste and -punctuality, but owing to the fact that I could not wait upon customers -at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span> all hours, could not, that is, attend to both businesses at once, I -was unable to do well. And then there is for suburban picture-framers -a distinctly slack season which extends from June until November. Then -when people are saving for their holidays, enjoying them or recovering -from them, the poor maker of frames may as well close his shop unless -he has other strings to his bow. The expenses still go on, rent must -be paid, gas bills met, etc., but my takings averaged five shillings a -week.</p> - -<p>At one of these periods, having received an invitation from a distant -relative in the wilds of Wiltshire to spend a fortnight down there -at an inclusive cost which was less than I must have spent had I -remained at home, I decided to go away. On leaving I pasted a notice -on the shutters: "Gone for a much needed holiday, return on the 25th -of August.—F. T. Bullen." When I did return, I was greeted by all my -shopkeeping neighbours with sardonic surprise, not unmixed with scorn. -They all said they never thought to see me again, having fully expected -that I had "done a guy," as they inelegantly put it, and several hinted -rather plainly that they considered me a fool for ever coming back; -which went to show very clearly that they knew as well as I did myself -that I was in difficulties. Indeed in a small community such as ours -was, it was not possible to conceal one's straits any more than it -would be in a little country town. I have no doubt that every one of my -neighbours knew how few were<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> the customers that came into my shop as -well as they knew what the expenses of the shop were, in fact, as they -put it frequently to one another, I kept the shop, the shop didn't keep me.</p> - -<p>Yes, everything seemed to trend downwards towards a place of the depth -of which I had no conception. Every fresh run of orders at the rare -intervals when they did arrive, only seemed to stave off the evil day -which would surely come, and it is not putting the matter one whit too -strongly to say that I had lost all hope of ever doing any good for -myself and family. Neither did I see how I was going to get rid of what -had come to be a perfectly diabolical burden, the shop. Despite all my -efforts I got deeper and deeper into debt, and among other things the -crushing load of the rates, then going up by leaps and bounds, owing -to the socialistic tendency of the local authorities, made me feel -peculiarly bitter; especially when I saw the troops of able-bodied men -slouching about the workhouse recreation grounds.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XII</span> <span class="smaller">TOWARDS CAREY STREET</span></h2> - -<p>A keen sense of humour is one of my richest blessings, one that I prize -more than I can tell, but never before have I felt so keenly the great -desirability of being able to express myself humorously in writing. For -this narrative of mine, drab in all its essentials, tends ever to more -gloom. There were touches of humour in my life, for I know that I often -had a hearty laugh, but I remember too that this healthful exercise was -usually after I had gone to bed, and was reading one of my favourite -books for perhaps the twentieth time. But I am bound to say that any -relief to the gloom of my daily life except on Sundays, the delights -of which I have spoken before, was almost entirely wanting. I could, I -dare say, introduce a few humorous touches occasionally, for which the -reader would be duly grateful, but it would be at the expense of truth, -and anyhow it would be of a saturnine character if it were drawn from -my experience of every day life.</p> - -<p>Take, for instance, a scene which I witnessed on Saturday night late, -outside the East Dulwich Hotel,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> at the corner of Goose Green. It had -been raining for a long time, and the streets were in an exceedingly -bad state. Just there, however, some attempt had been made earlier in -the day to sweep them, and in consequence the kennel on both sides was -full of liquid mud, had become in fact a creek of mud a yard wide and -several inches deep. I was taking some pictures home during a slight -break in the weather, and rounding this corner I saw two men, both of -whom were drunk, amicably endeavouring to take one another home. They -staggered about a good deal, getting nearer and nearer the kerb, until -one of them slipped down, and the other, endeavouring to raise him, -rolled over on the top of him. Locked in a close embrace, and making no -sound, they rolled into the kennel; while I, the solitary spectator, -helpless by reason of my burden, became doubly so because of a perfect -agony of laughter. Like hippopotami they wallowed in the viscid stream, -and at last emerged on the farther side, as Mrs Gamp would say, a marks -of mud, but still horizontal. They rolled right across the road, which -was fairly wide, and into the creek of mud on the other side where, -with their heads on the kerb, they rested from their arduous journey -apparently full of peace. A policeman and a little knot of spectators -had by this time arrived, and much discussion, punctuated with shouts -of laughter, went on as to what should be done with and for them. What -was done eventually I do not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> know, for I had to fulfil my errand, -aching all over with my paroxysms of laughter. Yet as the boys say when -they are the victims, "I don't see anything to laugh at."</p> - -<p>This digression is of malice aforethought, because I cannot help -feeling that readers will say "I wish Bullen wouldn't so persistently -sue for our sympathy. Surely he must have had some good times." And -that is the worst of the simple annals of the poor; they are deeply -interesting of course to the protagonists, but are apt to become -wearisome in the recital, because, as the Irishman said of his wife, -they are all worse and no better. However I went on, doggedly, -hopelessly, not because I was a brave man struggling with adversity, -but because as far as my limited intelligence went I couldn't do -anything else. Several people, one of whom most generously helped me -over a tremendously difficult stile, suggested bankruptcy as being the -obvious way out of all my troubles, but that I felt was impossible. -True, I <i>was</i> a bankrupt <i>de facto</i> but not <i>de jure</i>, and I believed -that if I did become a bankrupt in law, I should lose my last hope of -earning a living, my job at the office. So I ruled that suggestion out -as impracticable, for supposing I did lose my job, it was no figure -of speech to call it my last hope. I was rapidly nearing forty, my -own profession was irrevocably closed to me even if the state of my -health would have allowed me to take it up again, and as for my other -employment, with<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> thousands of abler, younger men clamouring for it, -what possible prospect had I? and I had a wife and five young children! -I will not say that I was absolutely friendless, but the two or three -faithful friends I had were powerless to help me except in a desperate -emergency, and at a great personal sacrifice then. As a dear friend -said to me the other day, while we were discussing the condition -of a mutual friend who had become the victim of a most serious -misfortune absolutely without fault of his own: "There is nothing more -heart-breaking than to have a friend who is what the Spaniards call -<i>gastados</i>, used up, no more good in this pushing world. You can't keep -him, you can't ask anybody else to keep him, and in spite of yourself, -with the best will in the world, you get tired of his incessant appeals -for help, however piteous and sincere."</p> - -<p>Is that not so? and all the more sad when it is the result of -misfortune and not of indolence or vice. However I did not allow myself -to think, for fear I should lose my power of sleep, which I knew would -be fatal. I dared not open my letters, the postman's knock sent a -clutching pang through the pit of my stomach, and if it had not been -for my Sundays, with their entire switch off from the terrors of every -day life, I feel sure I should have gone mad. It was at this juncture -that I began to write. Leaning over the counter in the empty shop I -covered page after page with neat clerkly script, an exercise I always<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> -loved, narrating my early experiences at sea. It was a delightful -relief, and as such I enjoyed it, but if I ever had any wild dreams -about publishing what I was writing they did not last, for when I had -written about forty thousand words I put the MS. away and forgot all -about it. Finally I threw it in the dustbin, which was a pity, for I -daresay it was quite as good as anything I have ever done in the same -way since.</p> - -<p>Meanwhile matters plodded towards that destined end which I felt was -inevitable, but would not realise. I got into more difficulties with -my landlord. The state of the house was simply disgraceful, and he -would do nothing. Then all of us got sore throats, and the doctor said -bluntly, "It's of no use my attending you unless you have these drains -seen to; they are a grave danger to anybody's health who comes into -your shop!" Thus admonished I again approached my landlord, who sent -a man to put two dabs of mortar upon the soil-pipe at the back of the -house. Then in despair I wrote to the vestry, and very promptly their -surveyor appeared. He condemned not merely my drains, but those of -the whole row of houses in which my house stood. And then there was a -pretty fine how d'ye do, I can tell you. My premises were all ripped -up at the back to get at the drains, which of course were under the -foundations, and when everything was in a state of chaos the operations -mysteriously ceased. Rats invaded the house and devoured our small -stock of provisions, until I took to hanging<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> them up as we used to do -on board ship. I wrote piteous letters to the vestry, imploring them -for mercy's sake to finish the job, but they took no notice and kept on -doing so.</p> - -<p>Then I made a bold stroke. I wrote to the Local Government Board, -placing the whole facts before them. Talk about red tape and -bureaucracy! Never have I dreamed of such celerity. Within forty-eight -hours the work was completed, and I received from Whitehall a copy -of an indignant letter from the vestry denouncing my complaint, as -the work in question was done. I never before realised how efficient -a public department might be in the proper hands. Those drains of -mine had been open for three weeks, and there had been absolutely no -response to my repeated applications to have the work done, when I took -the step I have detailed.</p> - -<p>This little affair cost my landlord (so he said) £25, a large sum for a -man in his position, and this did not improve our relations, as might -be supposed. But I hardly thought he would go to the length he did. -It is customary for such tenants as I was to take a few days' grace -for payment of the quarter's rent, which varies from one week to six -according to the disposition of the landlord, and the circumstances -of the tenant. Naturally I took as long as I could, and as long as I -paid within a month was usually considered a good payer. With this -landlord, however, I had to be very careful, especially after his last -feat. Still I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> was not prepared to find, as I did on coming home on the -evening of quarter day, three bailiffs in my humble abode. One was an -emissary of the landlord's, whose rent was only due at twelve that day; -one was for the inhabited house-duty, a trifling matter of a pound, -including landlord's property tax; and one was from some other creditor -whose claim I had overlooked. The total amount with costs of all their -claims amounted to a little less than £20.</p> - -<p>I confess that unable as I generally was to extract any fun out of my -troubles, this time was an exception. As I was introduced to each of my -uninvited guests in turn, and heard their claims, I was suddenly seized -with the humour of the situation, and laughed until I was fain to hold -on to the counter, or I should have fallen down. My wife stood at the -door of the shop parlour looking most anxiously at me, for she thought, -as she afterwards told me, that my brain had given way at last, while -the three bums looked at me, and at one another in an undecided -irresolute fashion, which only made me laugh all the more. However, I -gradually recovered, and then said, "Well, gentlemen, I am sorry for -you if you have decided to remain here, for I can neither feed you nor -give you a shake-down. So you'll have but a poor time of it. I can't -possibly get any money until to-morrow, and I am doubtful if I can get -much then. However, that's not the point. Do the best you can. I've got -some work to get on with," and I mounted to my workshop and started. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> - -<p>Before many minutes two of them decided to go home for the night, -having delegated their authority to the third, who as soon as their -backs were turned came up to me and said, that if I could give him a -couple of shillings he would go too, he didn't want to put me to any -trouble. I told him candidly I should have been glad to comply with his -request, but as all the money I had was sixpence, I must forego the -pleasure. He sighed, and then after exacting a promise that I would -let him in next morning, departed also, leaving me free to get on with -my work. He had not been gone many minutes when I heard my chum Bob's -musical whistle below, and immediately he came bounding up, having -heard the news across at the library of my having a house full of bums. -He could only sympathise, but rejoiced to find me in such good spirits, -was surprised also, but not more so than myself. He left a couple of -shillings, with the desire that I would make one of my famous curries -against the time he closed the library, when we would have supper -together.</p> - -<p>I readily agreed and hurried up with my job in order to get at my -cookery, for indeed these little chance meals which I was in the habit -of preparing, when there were funds, were exceedingly pleasant to me, -to my family, and to Bob, who was a frequent sharer of them. I am -afraid they bore a strong family likeness to the celebrated symposia -indulged in by Mr Micawber and his family with David Copperfield<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> as -only guest, but I can honestly say that I never pawned or sold any -household goods to procure them, as the immortal Micawber did. At any -rate on this particular occasion I know that, thanks to Bob's two -shillings, we had a gorgeous supper of curried skirt and kidney, with -potatoes and rice; the scent of which, as Bob said when coming in at -10.30, was enough to make a dead man sit up and ask for some.</p> - -<p>His genial company and the good meal sufficed to keep the black shadow -away long enough for me to get to sleep, but as soon as I awakened in -the morning it was beside me with all its terrors. In my emergency I -bethought me of a certain money-lender who, upon a previous application -to him, had informed me that he would willingly lend me £20 if I found -a good surety, and would take repayment at the rate of £2 per month for -twelve months. I did not accept then, because I could not bring myself -to ask anyone whom I knew to do anything I would not do myself, viz., -become surety for another. But now I was desperate, and I remembered an -acquaintance who, though his salary was good, was for some reason or -another chronically hard up. He, I felt sure, would be my surety if I -could spare him a little of the loan. Utterly immoral, even dishonest -and without excuse, of course, and I am going to offer none—I only set -down the facts.</p> - -<p>Upon broaching the matter to him, I found him not only willing but -eager, for he himself was in urgent<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> need of £3, and I could spare him -that out of £25, the amount I proposed borrowing. So at lunch-time -we sallied forth, finding our, what shall I call him, banker? in, -and ready to oblige. Indeed it was fatally easy, and I was absurdly -grateful, quite forgetting for the time the other gentleman in the -Adelphi to whom I had to pay £1 every month as interest on a loan of -£10. I handed over the £3 to my friend in need, and at five o'clock -hurried home to find my three visitors ranged along the counter in the -shop. In a lordly manner I paid them off, took their receipts, and we -parted on the best of terms.</p> - -<p>My amiability to the agent, however, did not extend to my landlord. I -felt his behaviour to me very, very villainous, especially remembering -the wretched state of the premises for which I paid him rent under -his solemn agreement to keep them in habitable repair. The rain came -through the roof so copiously, that I had to keep tubs up in the top -rooms to prevent the whole house from becoming swamped. The ceilings -were falling down, and the huge cistern supported upon brick piers in -the kitchen was leaking to such an extent that it threatened daily to -collapse and flood us out. So I resolved, as this was the last quarter -of my three years' agreement, to remove before quarter day, and to -refuse to pay him any rent, as a set off against the condition of the -premises he had compelled me to live in so long.</p> - -<p>A shop nearly opposite had become vacant by reason<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> of fire which -had gutted the whole house, but it had been restored to its original -condition, or something resembling it, and I took it. I did not blazon -my intention abroad, believing that my few regular customers would -easily find me, but I passed the word around among my acquaintances, -and I make no doubt at all that my present landlord knew of my -intentions perfectly. But he was powerless to prevent me going. Indeed, -I believe that the privilege of leaving the house you hold before -quarter day without fear of distraint for rent is about the only one -possessed by the poor tenant, who is otherwise entirely at the mercy -of his landlord. However, my landlord made no sign, while as the time -approached I made all preparations for flitting. At night, after -closing time, my chum Bob, to whom all violent exercises were a joy, -used to come over and assist me in the transference of my goods from -one house to the other, until we were fairly well fixed in the new -abode, with the exception of our absolute necessaries, such as bedding, -cooking utensils, etc.</p> - -<p>On the last night, that is the 20th of the month, we worked like -beavers, getting bedsteads across and put up so that the family might -move in and be comfortable. Fortunately it was fine, for we had left -the heaviest things, the piano and two counters, until the last. We -got the two counters over without much difficulty, and then at nearly -1 a.m. we tackled the piano. We wheeled it out and along the pavement<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span> -until it was opposite the new home, then lifting it into the roadway -we tried to wheel it across, on its own castors of course. But it was -heavy going, and in the middle of the road we stopped for breath and to -wipe our brows. Suddenly a light beamed across us, and a gruff voice -said, "Now then, what's this ere little game?" We both looked up, and -there stood a huge policeman, who had come up all silently in his -rubber-soled boots, and was shedding the light of his bull's eye on -the scene. For some idiotic reason or another, I burst into yells of -laughter, Bob joined in, and the policeman followed suit. Just three -idiots I suppose. But it was a quaint scene at one in the morning, in -the middle of Lordship Lane.</p> - -<p>As soon as we could speak, we explained the situation to him; and -he, bless him for a good fellow, saw it in the right light, pulled -off his heavy coat, and lent a hearty hand, so that the piano was -installed in the new premises in a very short time. Fortunately we -had a little liquid refreshment to offer him, which he accepted in a -becoming spirit, and then said, "Well, boys, I must get around before -my sergeant turns up—he won't understand who I am with my coat off." -And so with hearty good wishes all round we parted.</p> - -<p>I had a busy week following, for of necessity I had to do everything -that needed doing to the shop with my own hands, save what Bob did in -the precious<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> hours of his leisure after ten, which he so willingly -devoted to my service. And I managed to spend a sovereign for the -fascia, which was done by a man who was so drunk that he could not -stand on the solid earth, but balanced himself upon a precarious plank -stretched between two high trestles in front of the shop, and splashed -in the letters in magnificent style. I did not watch him, for I fully -expected to see him dashed to death upon the pavement at any moment; -but when on his coming for his money I went out and surveyed his -handiwork, I paid him without a word, for indeed there was absolutely -no fault to find.</p> - -<p>But I had hardly settled in this new shop than my troubles with regard -to the building commenced, and threatened to surpass my experiences -across the road. Hardly a piece of furniture could be moved upstairs -without bringing some of the ceilings down, and such easily scamped -places as pantries and cupboards were de-ceiled <i>en bloc</i>. The first -really serious matter, however, which showed me that I had in no way -bettered my position arose through the frost. I cannot fix the year -properly, but it was when the frost set in some time at the end of -January, and lasted until nearly June. I saw with a certain complacency -my neighbours carrying water into their homes from standpipes in the -streets, while my supply was intact and working well. And then with -dramatic suddenness the supply-pipe from the main which<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span> ran underneath -the pavement into my house burst asunder, and the water welled up -through the flagstones, making a glare of ice all over the footway, -which was a great danger to the passers-by.</p> - -<p>I was immediately summoned by the Water Company on the one hand, and -by the vestry on the other, to make this breakage good. With cheerful -confidence I turned these demands over to my landlord, never doubting -in the first place that it was his duty to repair this damage, and in -the next that he would instantly perform that duty. It was a heavy blow -to me when I received a curt note from him to the effect that it was -no business of his, and that I could do what I chose in the matter. As -if I had any choice. And so I had to call in labourers and plumbers -to the tune of nearly £3, which outlay moreover did not result in my -water-supply being resumed. But the shock I then received was a lasting -one, for I realised that these new premises of mine bade fair to -become worse than the old ones. They had been renovated after the fire -by contract in the flimsiest and most casual way, and scarcely a day -passed but some new defect discovered itself, until I really was afraid -that the building would collapse about my ears.</p> - -<p>Meanwhile my old landlord lost no time in putting the law's machinery -in motion against me. He summoned me for two quarters' rent, one being -in lieu of notice and a trifle of £10 for <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span>dilapidations caused to -his premises by my neglect. Strong in my belief that I was legally -justified in leaving uninhabitable premises as I did, I determined to -fight, and in due time I appeared before Judge Emden at the Cottage -<i>Ornée</i>. Of course I conducted my own case, and equally of course my -creditor employed a solicitor. But I lost nothing by that, for I found -his honour most kind and impartial. Only when I exhibited my defence -explaining the condition of the premises, and asking the Judge whether -I was compelled to remain in a house which was in so parlous a state, -he replied in words which I can never forget: "You are not compelled -to remain in such a house, you may leave before the expiration of your -term, but you must pay the rent—that is the law."</p> - -<p>Then, of course, I could only express my sorrow at having built upon so -insecure a foundation, and explaining my circumstances asked for time -to pay. The judge asked me what offer I could make, and I immediately -said that it was impossible for me to promise more than a pound a -month, which indeed it was, for at this time nearly all my office pay -was eaten up by these monthly payments, and my means of living were -intensely precarious. But the solicitor to the landlord in a white -heat of indignation put on for the purpose, pictured me as rolling in -wealth, enjoying a bloated official salary, and having a fine business -in addition, so that it was the barest justice that I should be ordered -to pay forthwith. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></p> - -<p>To my great joy the judge replied with sternness that he believed I -had made an exceedingly fair and honest offer under the circumstances, -and that if my offer were not accepted immediately he should exercise -his own discretion as to what terms he should consider reasonable, and -it was quite possible that he would make no order at all. This was -sufficient for my opponent, one pound a month was accepted, and, as -they say in the House of Lords, the matter then dropped.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XIII</span> <span class="smaller">COLLAPSE</span></h2> - -<p>It must not be supposed that in other directions my affairs had got -any smoother as time went on; nor that, although I worked as hard as -flesh and blood would permit, that I succeeded in overtaking any of my -liabilities. Moreover, I began to receive unmistakable warnings that -my physical capacity was becoming unequal to the constant strain I put -upon it, although I only knew that my morning cough was more exhausting -than it had been, and that I always awoke in the morning feeling -dreadfully tired, much more so indeed than when I went to bed. And -always I found myself unable to keep up those terribly punctual monthly -payments, and trying to discriminate between people who would be put -off and people who wouldn't.</p> - -<p>The first immediately unpleasant result of this discrimination or -attempted preference was in connection with my latter loan. Now please -understand that I am bringing no indictment against the money-lender, -or mean anything opprobrious in speaking of him in that way. If he -had lent me thousands<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> instead of single pounds, he would have been a -banker, and if I had wanted his money for speculation instead of to -pay my rent and get my family food, I should have been a financier to -be esteemed instead of being a borrower to be despised. I am only, -however, concerned with the plain facts now, and they are that I sent -a polite letter of apology to the money-lender, telling him that—oh -well, you can imagine the kind of things a defaulting debtor would -say—but the whole comprising just an ordinary letter of excuse for -non-payment.</p> - -<p>To this effusion I received no reply whatever, but two days afterwards -my surety came rushing to me in a state of great agitation, flourishing -a telegram which he had just received from his wife, to the effect that -a man had been put in possession of their furniture in default of my -payment of an instalment of the loan. Desperately he demanded of me -what I meant by such behaviour, and tearfully assured me that such an -experience had never been his before, in which I have reason to believe -he was not within the parallel lines of fact. I was as stunned as he, -and promised every reparation in my power, while I knew that nothing -short of that instalment would avail. So I immediately obtained leave -of absence, and went a-borrowing, a frequent exercise alas, but one -which I never practised without a sense of poignant shame, preventing -me from degenerating into the common species of "earbiter," as he is -vulgarly called, of the Montague Tigg type. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span></p> - -<p>Miraculously, as I think, I succeeded in borrowing the £3 required, -on my faithful promise to repay at the end of the month, from a man -who was as poor as I, but more methodical, and had put it away towards -his rent. Let me say before I go any further, that I did not abuse his -trust, nor did I ever do so to anybody except in the single case of my -surety, which I was now engaged in repairing. I hope I do not put this -forward in a spirit of offensive or aggressive virtue, but I do want to -disavow any association with that rotten type of man who will promise -anything to get your money, will, having got it, squander it, and then -ridicule you for being such a fool as to lend to him, of all people -in the world. This type I am glad to say is usually of the "sporting" -breed of "boys," and has no relation to decent beings.</p> - -<p>With my delayed instalment and my friend's freedom in my hand, I hied -me unto the ancient capitalist at Victoria. I made no complaint, for -indeed I had no ground. He made no apology, but received my money (I -beg pardon, his money) with dignity, saying that he was glad the matter -was so speedily arranged, because the aggressive process involved a lot -of trouble which he hated. But business was business, and a bargain was -a bargain, as he hoped I knew well, and—he hoped the weather would -continue fine, being indeed very seasonable for the time of the year. -And so we parted, I certainly feeling truly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span> ashamed at having put this -good old man to so much unnecessary trouble, my friend to indignity, -and myself to so many superfluous blushes.</p> - -<p>And as if to compensate me in some measure for what was in truth a -heavy day, I found on my arrival home quite a nice order awaiting me. -A gentleman of that fine class, the commercial traveller, who had -often patronised me before, came in and ordered four pounds worth of -pictures, paying as was his wont the money for them upon giving the -order, and telling me that I could deliver them any time within the -month. By great good fortune I had everything necessary to carry out -the order in stock, and as soon as he was gone, I set to work with a -glad heart. For I was like a cork, easily depressed, but popping up -again serenely as soon as the pressure was removed. However, I could -not be allowed even that small interregnum of peace, for at about ten -a man came in with some inquiry about my charges for framing. I paid -as much attention as I always did to his questions, but unfortunately -had to leave him in the shop for a few minutes, while I went into my -workshop. When I returned he was gone, and so was my glass-cutting -diamond, which was lying upon the baize-covered table on which I cut my -glass.</p> - -<p>It was a heavy loss to me, for I had got used to its <i>cut</i>, and -although its price was only 12s. 6d. I never had another that I could -use properly, not being at all expert anyhow. I will not deny that this -made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> me feel very unhappy, for when there was so much lying around -stealable that would never be missed, I did feel it hard that a fellow -should come in and steal my principal tool, for which at the outside he -would only be able to realise about three and sixpence in pawn. Still I -suppose I ought to be thankful that this was the sole theft I suffered -from in all my business career, only somehow the present loss was so -great that I was very grieved over it, and moreover I had to send to -a local glass-cutter, with whom I was not on any the best terms on -account of being a trade rival, for some squares of glass in order to -complete my contract in time.</p> - -<p>About this month I managed to get a little extra money in a way that -seems fantastic, but which came to me as a very welcome addition to -my spasmodic earnings. A young gentleman who had been an occasional -customer came to me one evening, when I was trying to hammer out an -article or story on the counter for want of something more immediately -profitable to do, and asked me if I had any objection to model for him. -I did not recognise the verb in its present application, and begged -him to explain. It then appeared that he was an artist who earned most -of his living by illustrating magazines, articles, and stories, and -being extremely conscientious, he needed the living model so that his -pictures should be vraisembleable as possible. But the professional -model was not to be found in East Dulwich, and so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> in his extremity he -thought of me as a man probably eager to earn an honest shilling in -whatsoever strange ways.</p> - -<p>After a few enquiries I closed with his offer of one and sixpence -per hour (always very generously interpreted), and promised to come -up to his house as soon as I had closed the shop, or say about 10.30 -<span class="smaller">P.M.</span> I went, and laid the foundation of a friendship that -still endures, the artist in question having illustrated several of my -books and done so, in my poor opinion, better than any other living -artist could have done. But I am getting on too fast.</p> - -<p>It must be remembered that as yet I had no experience of "modelling," -knew absolutely nothing of what it meant to stand for half an hour -in one position, and in parenthesis I may say that I never learned -well. But I did my best, and my employer was pleased to say that my -intelligent appreciation of what he wanted was much more useful to him -than would have been the trained immobility of any professional model. -But oh! how I suffered. I thought I knew what hard work, what endurance -was. I got a severe shock. In justice to myself I must ask my readers -to remember that I had been up since 6 <span class="smaller">A.M.</span>, and it was now -nearly midnight, and that even if I had not been using my thews and -sinews all that time I had been up and about. Anyhow I know that after -striking an attitude which satisfied my employer and maintaining it -for say seven or eight minutes, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> felt as if I was in some infernal -torture chamber, and though very anxious to <i>earn</i> my money and to win -approval I had to give in.</p> - -<p>But my employer was kindness itself, and though naturally intensely -anxious to carry out his ideas, he never took the slightest advantage -of my position, or insisted upon any pound of flesh. So far from that, -and I cannot tell what it meant to me then, as soon as my time was up I -was invited to a good supper, which his charming wife had prepared, and -at which I was made to feel a welcome guest, with no thought of that -hardly earned eighteen pence in the background. How much this kindly -intercourse helped me I have no means of knowing, but the impression it -made upon me at the time is no keener than the sense I have now of how -kind it was; and I have been an honoured guest in that friend's house -for the last ten years.</p> - -<p>This seems, in these desultory confessions, a right and fitting place -to set forth the fact that in many of my customers I found friends. -By which I mean people who think about you, who would take trouble -for you, or would make sacrifices to help you, who grieve over your -misfortunes and rejoice when you are doing well. And how precious they -are. I have always been a great stickler for the proper definitions of -words such as Freedom, Love, Friendship, Truth; and I do wish people -would not lightly talk of <i>friends</i> when they only mean some casual -acquaintance who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> knows little of them and cares less. I can frankly -assert that the only pleasant recollections I have of my shop-keeping -days, connected with business that is, are associated with the many -kindly folks whom I served. Of course my particular business lent -itself to closer relations with customers than ordinary shop-keeping, -since I had to discuss their desires with them, and give them the -benefit of my experience. The one drawback attached to this was that I -often spent three or four times as long discussing a trifling order as -it was worth; but that was counterbalanced by my sometimes getting a -big order with a very small amount of talk.</p> - -<p>It did occasionally happen that I, as the Yankees happily and -metaphorically put it, struck a snag even in this, and one glaring -instance lingers luridly in my memory. A neighbouring tradesman, with -whom I was on most friendly terms, very kindly gave me an introduction -to a well-to-do customer of his at Tulse Hill. My friend was a builder -and decorator, and had done a great deal of work for this gentleman, -to their mutual satisfaction. So when, one day, his customer asked him -about getting some old English frames regilded he recommended me, and -did not, in ordinary business fashion, stipulate that he should have -a commission upon the transaction. Cheered by my friend's description -of his customer, I waited upon the latter, and was received in the -most jolly fashion as a guest, and not in any patronising spirit, -refreshments being <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span>produced and some pleasant general talk ensuing. I -was then shown the work and asked for an estimate. This I gave after -close calculation, and with due consideration of the fact that my -customer had probably obtained other estimates before asking for mine.</p> - -<p>But to my intense amazement, the gentleman, upon hearing the sum named, -immediately said that he could get the work done in the best style for -just one quarter of the sum I had named! Now there was nothing for -me to do but give him the lie direct had I obeyed my first impulse. -But I stifled it, and mildly said that such a price as he had quoted -meant gilding with German metal, as the quantity of gold leaf required -to cover those frames would cost three times the sum. He, of course, -said that he didn't know anything about that, the price given him by a -gilder in the Minories was for English gold. I then rose to go, saying -that I regretted not being able to go further in the matter. He then -said he did not want to disappoint me, and what was the lowest I could -do the job for? I replied quietly that I had quoted the lowest possible -price for regilding, and one that was less than half what would be -demanded by a big West End firm, but that if he cared to have the -frames renovated and touched up where necessary I could meet him with -an estimate of half the first amount quoted, but explaining fully that -this would be in no sense regilding. After a lot of talk he agreed, and -I undertook the work. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p> - -<p>My kindly gilder, for I could not do the work myself, never having -been able to master the delicacy of touch required in this exceedingly -technical operation, made every effort, as he always did, to help me to -make the best of a bad bargain, cutting his price as I had cut mine. -And he did his touching up so well, that when the work was finished -I felt that my customer would say that it would have been a waste of -money to have had those frames regilded, they looked so well. Now my -part of the work so far consisted in getting the six heavy frames to -my shop from Tulse Hill, having first removed the pictures from them, -and the completion of my task would be to return them, fitting the -pictures in again and hanging them; and my share of the profits were -almost precisely what a carrier would have charged for the job. But in -the meantime, my customer had removed to Clapham Common, and the task -of delivering those frames, which required the most careful handling, -was thereby vastly increased in difficulty. However, I tackled it -successfully by the aid of the gilder, who, wanting his money, agreed -to wait at a neighbouring hostelry until I should return with the spoil.</p> - -<p>My customer's satisfaction at the way in which the work had been done -could not be concealed, and indeed the pictures did look very fine when -in position. Then he asked me nonchalantly if I had brought the bill. I -handed it to him. He glanced at it and said, "Oh! you have made a gross -mistake. You agreed to do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span> the work for £2 pounds, and this bill is for -£5." For a moment I was speechless, and then replied as calmly as I -could, "I have made no mistake, sir; you wanted me to do the work for -£2, and I told you it was impossible. I have to pay my gilder £4. 5s., -and he is now waiting for the money at the Plough."</p> - -<p>"Well," he rejoined casually, "that's nothing to do with me; you'll get -£2 or nothing. You can please yourself."</p> - -<p>Now I am anything but a courageous man, but I felt desperate, and -although he towered over me like a giant with a very threatening air, I -said, quite coolly, "You owe me £5 for work done, and I shall not leave -this house until I get it," at which he laughed merrily and retorted, -"Ah! so that's your little game is it? Very well, stay here until I'm -tired of you, then I'll throw you into the road." So I sat down on the -nearest chair (I was then in a partly furnished drawing room), and -resigned myself to wait. Fortunately, there was a book there, Kipling's -"Light that Failed," and I began to read.</p> - -<p>Now strange as it my seem, so great is the power of detachment -from circumstances over which I have no control that I have always -possessed, that I read that book through with the utmost enjoyment, -only an occasional cross current of compunction traversing my mind -for the weary wait imposed upon my faithful coadjutor. I had finished -the book about a quarter of an hour, which means that I had been in -the house<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span> nearly four hours, when the <i>gentleman</i> came in and said, -with assumed surprise, "What, you here still? How much did you say -you wanted?" "£5," I replied quietly. "All right, here you are," he -answered, holding out a £5 note to me. I took it, examined it, said -"thank you," and walked out of the house.</p> - -<p>Tame ending, was it not, to such a dramatic situation, and tamer still -the fact that my only sensation was one of satisfaction that I had got -the money. I joined my gilder, who was, I regret to say, distinctly the -worse for liquor, having had, as he said, no option but to beguile the -long afternoon by taking eight special Scotches for the "good of the -house." However I explained the situation to him, handed him his money, -and made haste home feeling that if ever I had earned fifteen shillings -in my life I had done so on this occasion. In conclusion of this -episode, I regret to have to add that my friend who had recommended -me to this "genial sportsman," as I heard somebody call him, had the -grievous misfortune to lose £50 of hardly earned money due to him from -the same merry gentleman. I cannot trust myself to comment upon this -behaviour which, alas, is all too common among a certain class who -habitually live beyond their means and regard the poor tradesman as -fair game. If they can only borrow from him as well their delight seems -proportionately heightened.</p> - -<p>And now I had a sudden gleam of joy, a bit of pleasure so keen that it -made me forget for the time<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> all my troubles. I had a story accepted, -and it appeared in print. Many of my readers will know what that meant, -but I will not believe that any one could have been more delighted -than I was. Not that I built up any airy structures of hope, of fame -and fortune as an author upon it, but I could not help feeling that -it was wonderful how I, without any of the usual educational aids, -in competition with the mighty army of able writers ever assaulting -harassed editors in London, and under the stress of such stern -life-conditions as mine, should have accomplished such a feat. True it -was only in a boy's paper, <i>Young England</i>, true that the pay was only -a guinea, and that I waited six months for it, but the golden glorious -fact remained that I saw myself in print.</p> - -<p>Perhaps it is strange that I did not then neglect the business -which yielded me nothing but debt and disappointment, and throw all -my energies into this new channel. A profound distrust of my own -abilities, and an idea that this was just a bit of curious good luck -may possibly account for my apathy, but whatever it was I know that for -a long time I was content to rest upon my laurels in the literary arena -and to grub along in the shop. The verb I have used just expresses it; -I grubbed and got ever deeper and deeper into the mire, and to the -well-meant advice of my friends as to why on earth I did not give up -the unequal struggle and go bankrupt before it killed me, I could only -render the same answer as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> before, that bankruptcy spelt workhouse -because I should inevitably lose my job.</p> - -<p>But one spring morning I received a warning too urgent to be neglected -(though I did not heed it then). I was rushing off to the office as -usual after four hours of the hardest work and nothing in me since -the previous midday meal, except sundry cups of tea, when just in the -middle of Green Lane, Dulwich, I felt the world slipping from under me, -and with hardly a struggle I was gone for the time. I often thought -somewhat resentfully afterwards how much better for me it would have -been not to have revived again into a world already over stocked with -mediocrities, how easy and pleasant and satisfactory it would have -been to have had the ever-gnawing question of how to live settled -authoritatively for me. That, however, was not to be, for presently I -came to, awoke as it were from a pleasant sleep, and gazed wonderingly -around.</p> - -<p>There was no one in sight, for it was then a most secluded pathway at -that early hour of the day, and I gradually realised my surroundings. -I had fallen very pleasantly upon a grassy and weed over-grown patch -at the side of the St Olave's playing grounds, so that I was not -bemired or disreputable looking. My first thought was of the office, -to get there as soon as possible, and make what excuse I could for -my late arrival—for I felt that it must be near noon, as I had no -means of knowing the time. So I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span> struggled to my feet, only to find -that nature had her authoritative say in the matter, for I trembled -so that I could not stand erect, and I felt all gone inside. Moreover -there was a curious numbness at my finger ends which seemed to me to -presage paralysis. Therefore I gave up the office idea and crept back -at the easiest pace I could manage to the house of a gentleman in East -Dulwich Grove, nearly next door to James Allen's School, who had often -patronised me but never, although a local physician of great repute, -attended me or any of my family.</p> - -<p>He received me with the utmost kindness and bade me lie down after -giving me some sal volatile, also forbade me speaking a word until -he gave me leave. So I lay on his sofa watching him at work until my -over-burdened heart and overstrung nerves had quieted down. Then he -cross-examined me as to my mode of life, my health generally, and at -the end of my answers, said quietly, "Now, my friend, advice is usually -flung away upon such people as you have declared yourself to be, so I -will not advise you. But I tell you, from my utmost convictions, that -at the rate you are now living, and in the present condition of your -vital powers, your time here on earth is limited to one year, or at the -outside eighteen months. If, however, you ease off, slow down, don't -work like a fiend or race after trains like a madman, you may live the -allotted span."</p> - -<p>I was about to reply when he interposed, saying<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span> sadly, "I know you'll -tell me it's a counsel of perfection. It's one of the tragedies of -our profession that we continually have to give counsel which the -patient cannot follow. But we cannot help that. Now, I'll listen to -what you have got to say." And he did. I detailed to him as to a -father confessor, the uttermost particulars of my business, my debts, -and the conditions under which I held my clerkship. He listened most -sympathetically, most kindly, and then threw up his hands with a -gesture as of one compelled to dismiss the case from his mind.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XIV</span> <span class="smaller">RELIEF AT LAST</span></h2> - -<p>"Heart failure; mustn't hurry or you'll die; must eat more, whether -you've any appetite, or means to get it or not; must rest and take -things quietly," and so on, and so on. Bitterly I smiled to myself as -I slowly crept home. But so curiously is the average man constituted -that I did not feel as if I was actually under sentence of death. I -rather clung to the belief that Doctor Stericker might be mistaken, and -anyhow that many things might happen in eighteen months. Though really -that was not what kept me going. I have no claim to perseverance, -pertinacity, courage or, least of all, optimism, but like the involved -orator I couldn't see a place to leave off. No opening presented itself -to me to step out of and lay the almost intolerable burden down, -although I know full well that but for those helpless ones dependent -upon me I should certainly have made or found a way long before.</p> - -<p>Here is the only explanation I can give of my persistence in a hopeless -cause, to assign any other<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> would be rank hypocrisy, as it would be -to claim any special virtues of endurance or bravery in the face of -overwhelming odds. And I have often thought that in many of us who -get credit for "sticking to it" when all hope seems dead, there may -be something of what Kipling quotes as the pertinacity of materials: -we hold on because it has become a habit so to do. But even I could -not help seeing that the crash could now not be very long delayed, -especially as I dared no longer dash at my work when it came in with -a rush. I have also to recall very gratefully that my chief at the -office, who took a kindly interest in my struggles, and had advised me -to file my petition in bankruptcy, now hinted to me very clearly that -in the event of my doing so, no notice would be taken by those "up -above." This cheered me immensely, for I knew he would not have told me -this if he had not found good grounds for doing so. And so I went on in -my quieter course awaiting the catastrophe, and absolutely uncertain as -to how or when it would come.</p> - -<p>Just about this time, I was delighted by the acceptance of an article -I had written, by the editor of <i>Chambers's Journal</i>, a magazine which -I had known and admired all my life, although I think it was called -<i>Chambers's Miscellany</i>, "When that I was a little tiny boy," I had -also imagined that the publication of a story or an article by anybody -in those familiar double-column pages conferred a sort of brevet rank<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span> -upon the writer of which no one could rob him; and in addition to all -this the cheque which I received with (to me) amazing promptitude, -was three times as much as I had previously received for an article -of nearly the same length. So that altogether I felt uplifted and -heartened, although the idea of literature as a profession still never -occurred to me, especially as I was rapidly nearing forty, and feeling -very often double that.</p> - -<p>I fully believed that at forty a man's career was irrevocably fixed; -if he had done nothing worthy of note before, he would certainly never -do anything after, and all the stirring adventure of my early days had -been completely overlaid by the dull drab round of my clerkly duties -through so many years, to say nothing of the other jejune, undramatic, -commonplace matters of which I have been writing in these pages. Only, -and this I would like to lay stress upon, there was a glow of strange -delight in my heart, to find that when I took my pen in hand and sat -down to write, all that early life on many seas stood out bold and -clear upon the background of my mind, and I lived its incidents over -and over again.</p> - -<p>Little did any of my infrequent customers think when they came into -the shop and saw me writing as if for dear life, as I leaned over the -counter, that I was lost in the resuscitated life of a quarter of -a century before. And strange to say, at least to me, as soon as I -laid down the pen all the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> vivid reality vanished, and I was as eager -to get an order for a five-shilling frame, or to sell a couple of -little pictures that I had framed on speculation, as if I had never -done anything else all my life. Occasionally, however, my eagerness -departed, as when one day a lady came in and purchased all the framed -Mildmay texts I had in the place, telling me that she was going to -present them to a church bazaar. Of course I cut the price to the bone, -as we say, for I thought I must not miss so good a chance of getting -rid of stock that had been on hand for a long time; so I charged her -just about half what the things cost me in materials. Her order came to -thirty shillings, and she said when about to pay me, "Of course you'll -give me twenty-five per cent. discount, I always get that for bazaar -goods!"</p> - -<p>Even £1. 2s. 6d. would have been heartily welcome, but I rejoice to -recollect that I told that wicked old harpy exactly what I thought -of her, and her methods, and the system generally. This is not the -place nor the time for a dissertation upon the charity of those who -grind the face of the poor tradesman to supply the goods which they -so ostentatiously present to the local bazaar, but I do not know that -anything has aroused fiercer resentment in my heart than the behaviour -of these liars, hypocrites, and thieves. Strong words, I agree, but -not any stronger than the truth which is, as we know, mighty and will -prevail.</p> - -<p>Nearer and nearer drew the day of my deliverance,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> though of the manner -in which that liberation was to be effected or of the time when it -would come, I had not the remotest idea. I have omitted to say that -when I took this shop I agreed with the gas company to supply me with -three large incandescent gas lamps on hire. They gave a splendid light, -and were called the Vertmarsche patent, I remember. I was very proud -of them, although they were only mine by courtesy, as I had not paid -more than three quarterly instalments off their heavy cost. But they -certainly did give a tone to the appearance of the shop, and although -they undoubtedly made a heavy increase in my gas bills, I had learned -that economy in light in any shop was fatal to business.</p> - -<p>However I was often congratulated upon the splendour of my lights, for -the system was then new, and I was the only tradesman in the lane who -had them. They were especially admired by the tenant of my old shop -nearly opposite, who had for some time been endeavouring to carry on a -little drapery business there. He used to come over and swap troubles -with me, telling me things which made me realise that I was by no means -the only sufferer in this war of ours. At last, one evening, he became -exceedingly confidential, telling me that his affairs had come to a -crisis, and that he was about to file his petition in bankruptcy. But, -he said, his furniture was of a very good and expensive kind, and he -felt it would be too bad to have it seized and sold for such<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span> a trifle -as it would surely fetch at a knockout auction. Would I then let him my -first-floor front room, which I had never occupied, as a store house -for the best of his furniture until the clouds had rolled away? and -if so, what would I charge per week. He could pay three shillings and -sixpence.</p> - -<p>At first I hesitated, for I realised the precariousness of my own -position, but my visitor, mistaking my hesitation for a desire to get -more money out of him, said, "I'd pay you more if I could, but I swear -I have hardly a penny in the world. Do help me if you can; you may be -glad of a similar lift yourself some day." Of course I hastened to -assure him that nothing could well have been farther from my thoughts -than the idea of exploiting his misery. Three shillings and sixpence a -week would pay me well, and indeed was the sum I had been vainly asking -for that room for a long time.</p> - -<p>He thanked me effusively and departed. After closing hours, he managed -to get his effects transferred to my front room, and when I saw the -kind of stuff he had, I could not wonder at his anxiety lest it should -fall into the hands of those harpies, who batten upon the hardships -of people who have their homes broken up. A terrible tragedy indeed, -when the savings of an industrious lifetime invested in furniture are -knocked down for, in many cases, less shillings than they cost pounds -originally, and are then immediately resold to the inner gang for an -enhanced<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> price, to appear in a few days' time in some local furnishing -warehouse at almost as high a price as their original figure.</p> - -<p>The next day, my poor little guest came the expected cropper. His -shop was closed, and he disappeared with his wife and family. I felt -a wistful curiosity to know how he was faring, and yet a curious -diffidence lest I should learn too much for my peace of mind. And -so he passed out of my thoughts, and indeed I even forgot that so -large a portion of his belongings was under my roof. Truly I had -quite sufficient of my own pressing personal affairs to occupy all my -attention to the exclusion of any one else's troubles for the time, -and that probably made me more callous than I should have been. I -know that when some chance acquaintance would come in, and after a -very lengthy preamble, try to borrow a few shillings, I used to wax -eloquent. Yet I suppose I ought to have been quite grateful for the -opportunity of giving utterance to my sorrows without being suspected -of ulterior motives. But I regret to say that I got a very bad idea of -my fellow-men generally about this time. So many of them known to me -looked so jolly, existed so easily, dressed well, smoked good cigars, -and yet when they got me by myself invariably sang a song of misery, of -a hollow mask concealing a broken heart, which the temporary loan of a -pound or two would mend. And when the pound or two was not forthcoming -a shilling or even sixpence would be so welcome.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> One quality they -certainly had, that of perseverance. Yes, after the most vehement -exposition of the impossibility of ever borrowing anything from me, -of all people in the world, they would reappear shortly on the same -errand, until I shrewdly suspected, and told them as much, that they -were only doing it for practice.</p> - -<p>The climax for which I had been so long and so ignorantly waiting came -in dramatic fashion. Not, of course, as I had expected it to come, -for to tell the plain simple truth I had for a long time thought that -it would arrive by my falling dead in the street, and I exercised my -imagination continually on the possible scenes afterwards. There was -nothing much to wonder at in this for I almost always felt at this time -as if I was, as the Spaniards say, <i>Gastados</i>, used up, had nothing -at all left inside. But on this eventful evening I was working away -as usual, "fitting up," in trade terms, at my glass cutting bench, -when, without the slightest warning, the whole ceiling of the shop -fell down, from wall to wall it tore away in one great mass of rotten -plaster, smashing everything in its fall and filling the shop with -dust and ruin. An earthquake could not have been more comprehensive -as regards the internal fittings of the shop. My blessings upon the -loafing scoundrels who slapped that rubbish up against the laths -above, entirely careless of what happened as long as it stuck there -till they got their money. They did me better service<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span> than they ever -dreamed of. A big chunk of plaster having hit me on the head I was for -a moment dazed and partly suffocated by the dust as well, but I saw my -broken lamps flaring up towards the network of tindery laths above, and -instinctively I dropped on my hands and knees to grope my way to the -gas meter. I got rather badly cut, but I found the meter and turned off -the gas, just in time to save the house from catching fire.</p> - -<p>I can hear some cynic say, "Silly ass, why didn't he let it catch -fire and burn down, he could have made a bit out of it then." Perhaps -so, but I was not prepared to make a bit, and I had trained myself in -habits of honesty (now don't laugh, for many people do, and I am no -great exception) so that my first and only thought at that juncture -was to prevent the greater calamity of fire. Groping my way back along -the counter, the dust having somewhat subsided I saw my wife, white -and trembling, at the door of the shop parlour. On a sudden impulse -I laughed loudly. In that instant I saw that the long looked for -deliverance had come at last. But she said, "Oh, what's the matter? -Are you all right?" meaning was I sane. I answered cheerily, "No doubt -about that. I'm all right, and for good or evil I've done with this -business. This means a full stop. I can't go on, however much I might -want to."</p> - -<p>Then I became aware that the outside of the shop was crowded with -people who had heard the crash,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span> and with the intense curiosity of a -London crowd had accumulated with the idea of seeing what was "up." -This sight caused my mirth to subside, for like most Englishmen I hate -a crowd, hate to be pried upon, especially at a time like that. We like -to fight our troubles alone, or at most with one or two chosen chums. -On the platform it is different, the more facing you then the better, -but afterwards, half a dozen will make you feel awkward. So I went to -the door, and said appealingly, "What do you want?" There was no reply, -so with a sigh I went on. "The ceiling of my shop has fallen down and -ruined my stock. That's all. There's plenty of trouble, but it's mine, -and you people can only add to it by crowding round here." With this -I seized my "long arm," a pole with a hook to it, and marching out -pulled the shutters down. I daresay a lot of them stood for a long time -staring at the shutters, a practice of London crowds that is in curious -variance to their usual alertness, but I do not know, for I did not -look out again that night.</p> - -<p>Having bolted up as securely as if I feared a raid I came back to the -parlour, where my wife met me, still with that doubting look in her -eyes, and said, "Whatever will you do?" "<i>Do</i>," I replied, "I shall -do the only thing that is now possible, I shall go up to Bankruptcy -Buildings in the morning and file my petition." "How do you do that?" -she queried. "I don't know anything about it, but I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span> can learn, and -shall learn I doubt not pretty quick," I answered. "And in any case it -doesn't matter much now, for I am absolutely certain that this is what -I have been unconsciously waiting for so long." As the matter was not -yet quite plain to her I went on to point out the absolutely ruinous -condition of the house with respect to the other ceilings, which did -not, however, make the place uninhabitable. The shop was quite another -matter. For in the first place the bulk of my stock of pictures was -smashed, in the next my three costly lamps would require at least £5 -spent upon them to put them in working order again, while I could -not possibly open the shop again for business in that forlorn and -dilapidated condition.</p> - -<p>Now the landlord had simply scoffed at the idea of doing anything to -the premises in the way of repairs, telling me, with some indignation, -what was indeed true, that the house had just been practically rebuilt, -although taking no notice of my demur that the work had been so badly -done that it had long ago required doing all over again. In addition -to all these things I was very near the end of a second quarter in -which I had paid no rent, and I should have been diffident, to put it -delicately, in any case of approaching the landlord upon the subject of -repairs unless I could do so with £20 in my hand.</p> - -<p>To say that I had no money wherewith to get these repairs done would -be too bold a platitude, for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> I never had any money that I could call -my own, I never spent a penny upon the imperative needs of my family -or myself, without a sense of guilt, of dishonesty, because I knew -that it rightly belonged to someone else. But perhaps I should not -have accepted the fiat of that collapsed ceiling so readily, had I -not, metaphorically speaking, been in a state of physical decay, and -inviting a <i>coup de grâce</i>. At anyrate I was perfectly satisfied in -my own mind that it was a direct interposition of the awful power of -Providence in my little ephemeral affairs, and after a few mouthfuls of -bread and cheese I went to bed with a lighter heart than I had borne -for many a day.</p> - -<p>I arose in the morning at daylight, refreshed by my good rest, which -in itself was most unusual, but to me is a proof how largely fatigue -is induced by worry. My first thought was the ruin below, and as soon -as I had drunk my tea, I faced it. Pushing the shutters up and letting -the light stream in, I surveyed the scene and saw that it was far more -ghastly than I had realised last night. In fact it quite fascinated me, -and I stood staring at it for about ten minutes, softly whistling the -while, until I suddenly came to myself with a jerk, and commenced to -clear up a bit. But it was a painful business because of its obvious -hopelessness. Still something had to be done in order to get in and -out, and besides I had got so used to work that employment, whether -remunerative or not, was an absolute necessity. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span></p> - -<p>Another thing which made this occupation so painful to me was the -handling of the broken children of my labours, my picture frames. Every -one of them had been a source of pride to me as I finished it, and -stood it up to contemplate it; and to see them all mutilated, spoiled, -and scattered was to me a most depressing sight. Still, by sheer force -of habit, I worked on, and succeeded in getting a sufficient clearance -made for present purposes by the time I had to prepare for the office. -Not that I intended to do any office work that day, for quite different -plans were in my mind.</p> - -<p>I reached the office at the usual time, and, without uncovering my -table, sought my kindly chief and told him that I was at last compelled -to take his often reiterated advice and go to Carey Street (the -Bankruptcy Court). Hurriedly I explained the circumstances to him, -finding that he was entirely in favour of my action. Then I made out -the usual application for a day's leave (to be deducted from my summer -vacation), handed it in, and left.</p> - -<p>With ample time to spare, I strolled up to the huge pile of buildings -at the back of the Law Courts, which I in common with many happier -Londoners had never known the use of until then. Indeed they had not -long been finished and the approach to them, across what some of the -newspapers ironically called at that time Strand Common, was quite -appropriately depressing. It had that effect upon me at anyrate, added -to all that horror of the unknown which is so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span> natural to imaginative -people and withal so unjustifiable in nine cases out of ten. Being full -early I sat down on one of the benches which even then were provided -by some thoughtful souls for the use of weary jetsam from the roaring -tide of the Strand or Fleet Street, and endeavoured to concentrate my -thoughts upon the approaching ordeal. It was a hopeless failure, as any -attempts at meditation have always been with me. My thoughts will only -flow under the stimulus of speech or pen action, in silence and alone -they are uncontrollable, and range fruitlessly over the whole field of -my experience.</p> - -<p>But, behold, to me came sudden and grateful relief in the person of an -old patron of mine who held some snug billet as an official reporter -at the Law Courts facing us. Having an hour to spare, he had come -there to smoke a contemplative pipe and enjoy the unwonted rest from -recording in wiggly hieroglyphics the mass of banalities, lies, and -legalities which it was his business to perpetuate in print. He was an -enthusiast in photography—indeed, it was his only hobby—and at the -very slightest sign that I was attending to what he said, he launched -forth into a flood of talk about lenses and exposures, and focussing -and developing, about all of which I knew rather less than I did of -cuneiform inscriptions. But he was so pleased, and my face expressed so -much interest (which I swear I could not feel), that he babbled on for -the hour he had to spare. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span></p> - -<p>Then suddenly he said, "But what are you doing here?" I replied -casually as if it was an ordinary occurrence with me, "Oh, I'm waiting -to file my petition in Bankruptcy as soon as it's eleven o'clock." -"Indeed," he answered, "well, you needn't be in a hurry, you won't find -anybody in there that is. Good morning," and he left me.</p> - -<p>True my histrionic qualities are few, but I know that I did try and -impart a pathetic break to my voice when I spoke of my errand, to -infuse it with a pathos which I did not feel, for I had no idea of what -was before me. I know also that he did not take the slightest notice of -my tone, and treated it as one of the commonest of human experiences, -one not deserving of even a passing thought. I know too that this -vulgar indifference of his hurt me more than any words of whatever kind -could have done. By it I knew that I was now enrolled among the ranks -of the great army who live by their wits, who make a business of living -upon other people, who are as much the parasites of society as the -bookmaker or the bucket-shopkeeper, although not nearly so prosperous. -No one would give me any credit, I knew, for the almost superhuman -struggles I had made to pay my way, and to justify my right to live and -maintain my wife and family. I, who had literally starved myself and -worked myself into collapse in order to practice all the week what I -preached on Sundays in the open air, was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> now to be classed with those -whom I had so often denounced.</p> - -<p>Perhaps it served me right for denouncing anybody. But it is hard when -one feels deeply to refrain from speech. Yet I suppose it would be -safe to say that we never know what we might become if we fell victims -to the <i>folie des grandeurs</i>, combined with that far more common -complaint, the accursed thirst for gold, no matter whose.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XV</span> <span class="smaller">LEGAL EXPERIENCES</span></h2> - -<p>Standing, as I am now (as far as my story is concerned), on the -threshold of the Bankruptcy Court, I wish to disavow the idea of having -any quarrel with individuals, or, of any personal bias. One of the main -objects I have had before me in writing this book has been to record -simply and without hyperbole my own experiences in connection with -this great national Institution. If, in the course of my remarks, I -say anything which is not strictly warranted by the facts, I declare -that it is not intentional. I only say that which personal observation -and experience leads me to believe is strictly true. Also, be it -noted, I write from the point of the view of the amateur—I have not -had the benefit in one sense of an association with any of those able -financiers who have been bankrupt several times, and then have retired -to enjoy in a peaceful retirement the fruits of their labours.</p> - -<p>I declare that when I pushed open the swing doors of the vast hall I -felt just as a boy does upon entering a school for the first time. So -utterly ignorant, so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> helpless, so willing to learn. I advanced a few -paces and met a cheery soul in uniform, who said heartily, "Wotyer -lookin' fur, Govnor?" Now, as the Americans say, wouldn't that get you -busy? I looked at him and to him, I make no doubt, like a perfect fool. -He looked at me keenly and enquiringly, until I had to say, "Well, the -fact is—I am unfamiliar with these places, but I have had misfortunes -and I wish to file my petition in Bankruptcy." You will observe from -its frequent repetition how proud I was of having got what I considered -one legal phrase at least pat and complete. He replied with the utmost -nonchalance, "Right O, second door on the left, and ask at the desk. -They'll put you up to it."</p> - -<p>I followed his instructions, feeling that I was getting on, and entered -the room he indicated. There were several men, I dare not say clerks -for they had not any of the characteristics of that much derided tribe, -and I doubt whether even Mr H. G. Wells would have satirised them in -his usual curious fashion concerning clerks, but all were engaged, nay -engrossed with some work, until I came to the last, and he was reading -the <i>Daily Chronicle</i>. As I was only one of his employers, I acted as -usual, that is, I humbly waited before him until he had finished the -article he was reading, when he languidly lifted his eyes to me and -said with an air, not exactly of contempt, but of the most utter and -complete detachment, "Well! what is your business?"</p> - -<p>Still with bated breath and lowly demeanour, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> replied, "I wish to -file my petition in Bankruptcy." "All right," he answered as he folded -his paper, "that'll be £10—£5 for the stamp and £5 security for -costs." I caught my breath and said, "But I've got no money at all; -I can't pay anybody, that is why I came here." To which he rejoined -casually, "Who's your solicitor?" This, I am afraid, rather disturbed -me, for how I, who had avowed myself penniless, could afford to pay -a solicitor (the very word savoured of affluence to me) I could not -conceive, and I did really regard his question as an insolent one. It -was not, of course. It was perfectly business like and proper from his -point of view, which from mine was as wide as the poles asunder. But -still, realising my position, I told him civilly that I had no money to -employ a solicitor, that so far from having £10, my stock of ready cash -was under five shillings, that if I had £10 I should certainly not be -there, but handing that £10 out to some of those who were entitled to -it.</p> - -<p>Much more I said to the same non-effect, for he listened with an -expression of infinite weariness, and when I had finished he said -abruptly, "How much do you owe?" I answered, about £300. "Very well, -then," he replied, "if you had £10 wouldn't it be much better to come -to us with it and empower us to treat with your creditors than to -fritter that crumb away paying two or three and annoying all the rest? -But, after all, that's not the point; it's none of my duty<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> to stand -here telling you what you ought to do. You get £10 and come here with -it, and I'll give you your papers and set you going. Good morning."</p> - -<p>Thus he ceased and busied himself with a heap of papers, leaving me -standing aghast at the idea that a man who had no money to pay his -debts should have to pay £10 for the privilege of saying so in public, -that any money he might have should not be devoted to paying his debts, -but to making legal excuses why he should not do so. However, this -particular official had obviously had quite sufficient of such a fool -as I was, and it was of no use wasting time there, so I quietly slunk -away in worse plight than ever, to my way of thinking. For I could not -possibly bring my mind to bear upon the inherent dishonesty of the -situation.</p> - -<p>As thus—declaring myself a bankrupt, all my belongings of whatever -kind as well as my future earnings, until my debts were satisfied, -became automatically the property of the official receiver to hold in -trust for my creditors. Therefore to sell it, or any portion of it for -any purpose, was a felony. Yet having no money how was I to raise these -fees? I could not borrow, for if I revealed my position, no sane person -would lend, and I could not possess any security. If anybody gave me -money for the purpose of paying those fees, it would be a fraud upon my -creditors to put the money to that purpose. Whichever way I looked I -could see no way out but by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> falsehood and fraud, and I was only at the -beginning of my experience.</p> - -<p>In this extremity I went to a man of great experience in business, -but with a high reputation for probity as far as meeting all his -liabilities went. He was also credited with very sharp practice despite -his high moral and religious standing. Consequently, I do not suppose -I could have consulted any one better qualified to give me advice. -He fully agreed with me that nothing was more eminently calculated -to destroy the moral sense than going through the Bankruptcy Court, -of your own initiative—if your creditors made you a bankrupt it was -another matter. In a case like mine it was obvious that a man had to -pay a considerable sum down for the privilege of swearing that he had -no money at all, which money could not legally be his. Yet, since the -law itself created this dishonest state of affairs, I was clearly -absolved from the charge of dishonesty if I raised and paid this money, -providing those from whom I obtained it were not defrauded by being -made the victims of false representations on my part.</p> - -<p>He finished his advice by lending me £2 towards the amount required, -and I went on my sorrowful way homewards. When I reached home I found -a fresh batch of dunning letters and two judgment summonses waiting -for me, but I paid no heed to them, I had more engrossing business to -attend to. I spent a long time explaining the position<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> to my wife and -endeavouring to furbish up some of the stock in the event of my being -driven to raise money on it, and then went on the doleful business of -trying to borrow £8 without any reasonable prospect of being able to -repay it. That was indeed a pilgrimage of pain. But I must not say -that; although the fruit of a long half day's search was only £1, I -met with very much sympathy and many kind cheering words, also much -commendation for having taken the step I had at last.</p> - -<p>I went back to the office in the morning, after a sleepless night, -feeling as unfit for my clerical duties as I could well be, as may be -imagined. My sympathetic chief was of course anxious to know how I had -fared, and listened with the greatest attention to my story. Then he -suggested that I had better take at least a couple of days off, as I -could not possibly do my work under such mental conditions, and leave -no means untried to raise that money, even if I had to sell such of -the stock as I could make saleable at any price it would fetch. And he -wound up by lending me a sovereign, to be repaid when I could.</p> - -<p>So I got through the day somehow, though I am afraid I sorely -exasperated other care-free individuals, who had to work with me and -could not realise the condition of my mind. At last five o'clock came, -and I hurried home. My wife met me midway of the shop with a beaming -face, and held out her hand with eight sovereigns in it. I staggered -back as if I had received<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> a blow, and gasped, "Wh-a-at, where, how -did you get it?" "Pawned the piano," she replied promptly, a statement -which filled me with amazement, for, although I was only too familiar -with the side entrance to establishments flaunting the three golden -balls, she, to the best of my knowledge and belief, had never been in -such a place in her life. I had always taken that unpleasant necessity -upon myself.</p> - -<p>But there was the money, the price of deliverance, and now I must -explain the circumstances. The piano was an exceedingly good one which -I had bought on the hire system long ago at the second-hand price of -£40. I had presented it to her on some anniversary and thenceforward -never thought of it as mine, never regarded it as a possible means -of raising money for my needs. And here it had been the saving of a -very bad situation, for although my experience was still green I dimly -understood that the hour of deliverance was at hand. The side-issue -of the terribly low figure for which that beautiful instrument was -pledged—which if not repaid within a year would mean its loss—did -touch me rather sharply, but I could not stop to think of that, nor -could I be ungrateful enough to suggest to my wife that she might have -done better, remembering her experience. Also I felt that in a year, -who knew, I might happen on something which would enable me to redeem -the piano.</p> - -<p>So I had the price, and secure in that knowledge I went to bed -and slept very soundly, no thought of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> proceedings after the -preliminary payment occasioning me the slightest uneasiness. And it -was with a light heart that I rose early in the morning to complete -the clearing up of my wrecked ship, to put, in fact, my house in order -against what I dimly foresaw would be the next step, the visit of the -official assessor whose duty it would be to estimate the whole of my -possessions, with the exceptions of tools and an irreducible minimum of -clothing and bedding, not bedsteads. By eleven o'clock I had made the -poor place look quite respectable and hurried off, leaving, as a last -message, instructions to my wife to dispose of our fowls for what they -would fetch. We had bred them ourselves, and they had been a source of -great pleasure to us and profit to the children, for they responded -liberally in the matter of eggs. There were twenty-five of them -altogether, beautiful birds of no particular breed, and all pets. I may -as well finish off this particular transaction by saying that during -the day they were sold <i>en bloc</i> for eighteen shillings, although any -one of them would have cost three shillings dead had I been a buyer.</p> - -<p>Away I went in high spirits to Carey Street, but before I got there, -I felt the malign influence of the place upon me, and when I entered -those fateful doors, I was subdued enough. No need for me to enquire -the way now, I went straight to the desk of the official whom I had -encountered before. He looked at me with the same air of nonchalant -aloofness, as of a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226">[Pg 226]</a></span> being from another sphere beyond all such hopes -and fears and sorrows as I might have. Producing the money, I said -submissively, "I have brought the fees you told me were necessary." -"Ah, I think I remember something about it," he replied. "Wanted to -file your own petition, didn't you?" Of course I retold my story, or as -much of it as he would listen to, until he interrupted me with, "Who's -your solicitor?" Again I assured him that I had no money wherewith to -employ a solicitor, and, moreover, I had been assured that the business -was so simple that any man of ordinary intelligence could manage it -himself.</p> - -<p>He gave me a pitying glance, and then grunted, "Oh, all right. Take -these forms and fill them up. Anything you don't understand, I'll try -to explain to you." So saying he handed me a most formidable sheaf -of printed documents, wherein I read in the usual involved official -verbiage all sorts of instructions as to my procedure. I had been -fairly well accustomed to official forms, but my heart sank at the -sight of these, for it seemed an utter impossibility that I should ever -make head or tail of them.</p> - -<p>However I attacked them boldly, and when I came to a snag I just left -it and went on to the next. By the end of an hour, I had done something -to all the forms, but it was very little, and I took them back to the -man at the desk with a modest request that he would explain some of the -difficulties to me. As he glanced over the sheets a deep frown gathered -over his brow,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227">[Pg 227]</a></span> and he presently growled. "Look here, why the devil -don't you get a solicitor? You'll never do this yourself, and I can't -be bothered showing you. I've got my work to do." (In my innocence -I had imagined that what I was asking him to do was his work.) I -patiently explained to him my position once more, for though naturally -prone to resent injustice and high-handed officialdom, my spirit was -sadly broken and lent itself to being bullied, up to a certain point.</p> - -<p>So he did some more explaining, but with very bad grace, and with a -manner exactly like that of a coarse-minded usher with a very dull -and frightened small boy. I paid all the attention I could, took the -forms away, and had another hour at them. Then I came to an absolute -deadlock, and though I very much disliked going to him again, I was -compelled to do so. He took the documents from me in grim silence, -glanced at them, and then said with much emphasis, "Oh! this'll never -do. Messenger!" The messenger appearing, my mentor queried of him, "Is -old hard-hat about?" "I think so," replied the messenger. "Well, go and -tell him I want him," and the messenger departed.</p> - -<p>Pending his return I waited, still like the school-boy at the master's -desk, wondering mightily who "old hard-hat" might be, and what he could -have to do with me, or I with him. As he was rather long in coming, -I grew mildly impatient, and ventured to ask<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> who had been sent for. -The man behind the desk replied sharply, "You've got to be identified, -and you can't possibly do that yourself." "Well," I answered, "how in -the name of common sense can a man whom I have never seen or heard of -identify me?"</p> - -<p>"Oh," he grunted, "you've got nothing to do with that. It's just a -legal form, that's all." I might have said some more, but just then the -person we were waiting for arrived. A tall slender figure in brown, -with an auburn wig and no teeth. He had a placid yet decided way with -him, and reminded me, oddly enough, of Charles Lamb, from what I had -read of that gentle soul, and such portraits as I had seen of him.</p> - -<p>Coming direct to my mentor, the new comer said, "You sent for me, I -believe, Mr Blank." "Yes," replied the clerk, "take this man away, -and see if you can get him out of the muddle he is in with those -documents." Mr Hardhat, for so I must call my new acquaintance, turned -to me and murmured, "Will you come over to this table with me?" I went, -but on arriving there, I said, "Look here, before we go any further, -are you a solicitor sent for to help me?" He replied, to the best of -my recollection, that he was, but not in regular business; in short -I gathered, I do not know how, that he had either never passed his -examination, or that he had for some reason not been able to carry on a -regular business, and that he now attended<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> that building regularly in -the hope of picking up such chance jobs as mine promised to be.</p> - -<p>Upon finding this out, I immediately made it plain to him that I was -utterly unable to incur a solicitor's bill, that I had been told by -people in authority that there was nothing in Bankruptcy procedure to -prevent an unhappy debtor from doing his own business; and although I -had not in the least realised what an unpleasant business it was, I was -bound to go through with it. He heard me out with great patience, and -then said mildly, "Yes, I know that theoretically it is possible for a -debtor to do his own business here, but practically it is not possible. -As to paying me for the assistance I can give you, please don't let -that trouble you at all. I am quite willing to do my best for you, and -let the question of payment (it will be a mere trifle in any case) -stand over until you come upon happier times. If you never pay me it -will not ruin me, and I might as well be helping you as doing nothing. -Please let us get to work, and say no more about it."</p> - -<p>I really cannot say how deeply touched I was by this man's gentle -kindness, and the more because of its contrast with my treatment by the -well-paid official, and I made a mental vow that if ever I were able to -repay him, I would be as lavish in doing so as my circumstances would -permit. Then I told him that I could not be so brutally independent -as to throw his kindness back at him, and I would accept his help<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> -with gratitude. He nodded gravely, took the papers from me, drew his -fountain pen from his pocket, and sat down to work.</p> - -<p>Now for anything I know it may be necessary to make the formulæ of -bankruptcy proceedings as difficult, technical, and prolix as possible, -not being an expert I dare not offer an opinion, but I do know that -this expert who had now come to my assistance, although working with -great skill and rapidity, took several hours to prepare the documents -demanded, and then much of what was put down was fiction, had to be, -since I had kept no books, and even though my memory was phenomenally -good, it was far from equal to the demands now made upon it. But at -last the dread business was complete, we took those forms to another -official who merely glanced through them, secured them together with -green cord, and handed us a piece of parchment (I believe) which we had -to write certain matters upon, and then take to another part of the -building to be stamped.</p> - -<p>Up till now I had only paid £5, but now I was to disburse another £5 -for the privilege of becoming a bankrupt, the first £5 having been -as security for costs. So we handed the mystic document we bore to a -man who looked like a superior workman, who took it from us, and held -out his hand for my £5. When I had paid him, he took a stamp from a -drawer, and after pumice-stoning the parchment in a certain place, and -doing something else to the back of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> stamp, carried the latter over -to where a glue-pot stood simmering on a gas ring. Here he anointed -the stamp, placed it on the document, put the latter in a press, and -then obliterated the stamp in two or three other ways. I never saw so -much work upon a stamp before. But then, to be sure, it was a stamp -representing £5 sterling.</p> - -<p>This operation was almost the last for the day, which was now wearing -to a close. My good friend, Mr Hardhat, merely took the last document -to another part of the building while I waited for him. When he -returned he told me that my preliminary examination was fixed for the -second day afterwards at eleven in the morning, and that until then -nothing further could be done. But he also assured me that I was now -<i>ipso facto</i> bankrupt, and that I was on no account to pay anybody -anything on account of debt, for that would be a misdemeanour. If any -of my creditors took action, with the exception of the landlord, who -might distrain for his overdue rent, I had only to show them a certain -slip of paper I possessed, and that would, in sea-metaphor, choke their -luffs.</p> - -<p>I thanked him, and made for home, determined to devote the next day -to some good hard work at the bench, framing up such pictures and -texts as I had in stock, so as to use up the remainder of my moulding, -backboard, glass, etc. And then I should perhaps be able to make a -forced sale, and raise some ready money. With these thoughts in my -mind, I turned the corner<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span> of Ashbourne Grove into Lordship Lane, -and not looking where I was going, I ran into a man whom I at once -recognised as the lessee of my former shop and my present first floor -front room. We greeted one another heartily, and he said, "Let's see, -I owe you a week's rent, here it is," and he placed three and sixpence -in my hand. He went on, "I shan't want you to store that furniture -for more than a week or two longer, for I am very nearly through my -difficulties, and I am thinking of taking a nice little business in -Dalston." As soon as he had said this, I remarked gravely, "I don't -want to frighten you, but if you'll take my advice you'll shift those -sticks out of where they are now with the least possible delay. I told -you when you put them there that I was in Queer Street, and to-day I -have been adjudicated bankrupt. Now, you know what that means."</p> - -<p>He stared at me wildly for a moment, as if he had seen a ghost, and -then cried, "Merciful heavens, I must hurry up." Off he rushed down the -lane, leaving me laughing to think of my experience of the lame leading -the blind. But I was very glad of his three and six all the same, and -not having eaten all day save for a crust of bread and cheese at noon, -I determined that something hot for supper should be forthcoming. -Procuring the materials for this meal took me some little time, and -when I arrived at the shop, my poor little tenant drew up at the door -with a coal-trolly, which he had hired somewhere on the spur<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> of the -moment. I at once opened the side door for him and it was really a -sight to see how he toiled to get his household goods out, especially -in contrast with the calm deliberateness of the coal-heaver.</p> - -<p>When it was all on the trolly, he gave a great sigh of relief, and came -into the shop mopping his streaming head. "Well, old chap," he gasped, -"that's as narrow a squeak as I want; and I can't blame anybody but -myself, for I ought to have let you know where to find me. However, -it's all right now, and I only hope you'll get through your trouble as -I've done. Good-bye." And he went out of my life.</p> - -<p>I worked very hard the next day for two reasons, first, I did want to -get as much stuff ready for sale as possible, my sense of absolute -honesty having already become considerably blunted by contact with that -temple of fraud in Carey Street; and secondly, because I did not want -to brood over the terrible possibility of my landlord coming in by -deputy and seizing all my poor belongings—for in my simplicity I still -looked upon them as mine, totally oblivious of the fact that, in the -eyes of the law, I now possessed absolutely nothing except necessary -clothing and bedding, tools and cooking utensils. Now and then the -thought would obtrude itself that after all these years of toil and -stress, I had brought, vulgarly speaking, my pigs to a pretty fine -market, but my sense of relief from the misery I had so long endured -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span>outweighed any other consideration, and I was not at all melancholy.</p> - -<p>My day's work was a fruitful one, for I managed to knock up quite a -number of little frames for which, if low in price, I was fairly sure -of a ready sale for that reason. And I also put the last touches on -my tidying up, as well as getting ready such small goods as I knew I -should be allowed to retain. I also secured a place of refuge—a house -to move into—from a local house agent, secured it too without the -slightest concealment from him of all my circumstances. But then he was -a good fellow, and never backward in doing a good turn if he could. -Thus at the end of the day I felt ready for the crisis of to-morrow. -Hitherto there had only been verbiage writing and payment of fees; -to-morrow, Mr Hardhat informed me, would see definite action being -taken. But of that I will write in the next chapter.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XVI</span> <span class="smaller">THROUGH TO FREEDOM</span></h2> - -<p>I suppose that there are few things more demoralising to an -assimilative mind than the association with places of a demoralising -tendency. Which I do not intend as a profound remark, but as the fruit -of actual experience. At any rate I know that when I first entered the -Bankruptcy Court, I felt a profound pity for the listless, hopeless, -slouching-looking figures I saw haunting its purlieus. But when I went -up this morning, for my preliminary examination, I felt as listless, -hopeless, and slouching as any of them—I had enlisted in the great -army of the insolvent, and no matter how void of offence my conscience -might be, in that I had not wilfully or in extravagance defrauded any -man, the taint of debt, the virus of unutterable meanness which makes -the Chinese commit suicide, bowed my head, rounded my shoulders, and -robbed me of my self-respect.</p> - -<p>I only had to wait about two hours this morning before my turn came -on. When it did, and I was summoned to stand before an inquisitor, I -received a sudden shock. For, behold, the dread <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span>Rhadamanthus to whom -I must unveil my most secret sorrows and troubles was a young man whom -I had often seen coming up Victoria Street with a similar individual, -and had loathed from the depths of my soul. His garb was immaculate as -regards the latest fashion, his collar as high as human endurance would -permit, his trousers creased in exactly the right line, turned up to -exactly the proper height; he slouched at exactly the angle prescribed -by his class (or the class to which he wished to appear to belong), -and, crowning iniquity, he wore a monocle in his left eye. Altogether a -"Johnny" of the Johnniest. And he was my inquisitor!</p> - -<p>He took several huge sheets of paper (printed forms of course), and -began what I saw was a stereotyped set of questions with a bored air -and yet an unpersonal way with him, almost as if he were addressing a -penny-in-the-slot machine, which was rather helpful. I was a long time -before him, and I answered his questions to the best of my ability, but -often I fear with a desire to get the examination over rather than with -any keen attention to accuracy. It was a curious business altogether, -perfunctory in the extreme, and I had then no idea what my answers -would be used for. I learned later.</p> - -<p>When released I sought my faithful friend, who advised me to get home -with all speed, for that an official appraiser would call upon me that -afternoon, and it would be well that I should meet him. So I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> returned -with haste, reaching home a long time before the individual indicated. -I must say I awaited him with considerable trepidation, for I gathered -that he would be of much the same character as several of the same -class I had sorrowfully made acquaintance with before.</p> - -<p>This is not the least of the sorrows which beset the poor, the manner -in which their goods are distrained upon for a small debt, and -furniture honestly worth twenty times the sum due is taken, and I was -going to say sold—but it is never sold then, it is given away to a -gang of heartless rogues, who make it their business to fatten upon -the robbery of the poor within the law. In my case, however, there was -no fear that they would take more than I owed. My furniture had cost -me well over £100, and the two counters in the shop would easily have -sold second-hand for £10, but I doubt if the whole of my chattels put -together could, even if sold in a shop to the public, have been made to -realise more than £30. It was not good furniture when I bought it, and -though some of it was not now very old, it stood revealed as what it -was, shoddy-built, of unseasoned wood, varnished instead of polished, -upholstered with American cloth or sham velvet, and stuffed with -unclassable rubbish.</p> - -<p>My visitor arrived at about three o'clock, and to my relief he was -quite a respectable and civil man. He quietly announced his errand as -if it was a duty he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> was sorry to perform, and therefore I hastened to -assure him that I could readily dissociate a man from his employment. -Thus his work went on very smoothly, and was exceedingly soon over. -Then he closed his book and turning to me said, "You haven't got -much." I smiled wanly, and made no reply for obvious reasons. Then he -went on to inform me that although he was an appraiser of the Court -his inventory was only taken for the official purpose of checking the -accounts of the firm to whom they would presently assign the task of -dealing with it. And bade me a courteous good day, leaving me wishing -that the whole degrading business was over.</p> - -<p>Still I must say in strict justice that so far as it had gone, and -remembering the immense number of formalities to be gone through, there -had been scarcely any delay, but that I think was largely due to my -personal interest in the matter and the energy I put into it. And now -I was, all unknowing, come nearly to the end of the miserable business -as far as my comfort and relief was concerned. I had one more quiet -Sunday at the shop, spent in the usual way, and on Monday morning -there arrived a man like a jovial costermonger of the better class out -for a holiday—one of those men who are born comedians, whom to look -at is to laugh, unless one is so sour or so sad that laughter is an -impossibility. My very heart warmed to him, and when I found that he -represented the firm of auctioneers, who were to deal with my chattels, -I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> felt quite relieved, though I could not then have known any reason -why I should be.</p> - -<p>He was exceedingly abrupt and swift in all his movements, so that -before I had realised that he had been through one room, he was -beckoning me into the shop with a comic forefinger and an air of -mystery. When I came up to him smiling in spite of myself, he said in -a hoarse whisper, "Now, look y'ere, Guvnor, 'ow much yer goin' ter bid -fer this little lot?" and he bent his brows upon me in a funny frown. -I stared at him blankly, and then stammered out, "I—I don't know what -you mean." "Ow, you don't, don't yer. Well, I'll 'splaint yer. If I -sen's one of our vans daown 'ere, and clears your sticks aht, we cawn't -tike the trouble t' sell'em orf bit by bit. 'Taint likely. Theyn't -worf it. Nah, wot we sh'll do is ter sen rahnd t'one of ahr small Jew -'angers on, an' sye, 'Nah then, Moses or Abrams or Jyecob, as the kise -mye be, wot yer givin' t' clear aht this little lot.' An' it's six -ter four that we tikes 'is fust orfer, 'cause it don't matter t' us -a bit on a little job like that, we gets the same commishun. Now, I -mean that ter prevent that there kerlamity 'appenin' t'yer, you mike a -bid for 'em yerself, an' you tike it strite from me that if your bid -is anythin' over rubbish price ahr Guvnor 'll jump at it, syevin the -trouble er tikin' it awye too an' all."</p> - -<p>My brain, working furiously, had absorbed his whole meaning and -exhausted every possible avenue of raising any more money by the time -he had done<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> speaking. And I shook my head, sadly murmuring, "It's -no use. I'm most grateful to you for giving me this opportunity of -saving my poor bits of goods, but I exhausted all my friend's means -raising the money for the Court fees. I don't believe I could raise -another sovereign to save my life." "P'raps not," returned he drily. -"An' yet you might ter syve yer sticks. Nah once more, 'cause I got -ter be movin', got arf dozen jobs on ter dye, you jist dig out like -all possessed ter dye. Say you <i>will</i> 'ave a bit a brass ter sive that -there poor little 'ome from bein' broke up, an' bring it, wotever it -is, up t' th' orfice termorrow mornin' ten o'clock. I sh'll be there, -an' I promise yer thet if it's anywheres near the mark the Guvnor 'll -tike it. G'mornin,' keep yer chivvy up," and he was gone, whistling -like a thrush, bless him.</p> - -<p>While I stood there dazed, who should burst in, as was his custom, -but my chum Bob from next door. I have said little of him lately, but -indeed nothing could exceed the comfort that his cheery presence and -sympathy had been all through this trying time. With money he could not -help me, for he had but a very small salary, every penny of which he -needed for the maintenance of his aged mother and himself; but he did -what was even better at this time, he gave me himself, gave up such -recreations as he had after his long day's confinement to come and -talk over my lugubrious affairs, and try to devise ways of bettering -them. Now he came up to me with a rush, saying,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span> "Hullo, old boy, how's -things? you look as if you'd had a knock."</p> - -<p>Gratefully I turned to him, and in a few minutes he was in possession -of the situation. He considered deeply for a little, and then said -musingly, "I think I see a light. How many pictures have you got ready -for sale? I gave him the number," showed him the best of them, and he -went on: "Will you let me try and sell 'em for you to-night, getting -what I can for 'em?" Of course I gladly acquiesced, as drowning men -catch at straws, and salved my conscience for the dishonesty by the -reflection that the transaction was really far more beneficial to my -creditors, to say nothing of myself, than the clearing of them out by -the Jew spoken of by my late visitor could possibly be.</p> - -<p>"That's all right then," he said; "now you get 'em all ready, an' as -soon as I can get off, I'll trot 'em round." He secured leave from his -duties, and began a circuit of his friends, and after making several -visits to the shop for more pictures he came in at last about ten -o'clock tired but triumphant, and slapped down £5. 19s. on the table. I -felt so glad I had a bit of supper ready for him, as I had nothing to -do but cook, for he was almost ravenous with hunger. With great glee, -he recounted his experiences, how he had implored, cajoled, bullied, -his friends into buying the pictures they had so long seen in my shop -window, taking large discounts for ready money, but he did not tell<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> -me, nor did I discover until long afterwards, that he had borrowed -nearly £2. 10s. of the money, and bought three pictures himself, for my -sake, which he didn't want, and certainly could not afford. But then -that was his idea of being a chum.</p> - -<p>It was only now that I permitted myself to realise how wretched would -have been my lot had it not been for those avenues of escape, illegal -as they were. To have been stripped of every article of furniture, and -turned with my young family into an empty house, with no credit, and -without as far as I could see at present more than sufficient money -than would buy the most necessary articles of food allowed me out of -the wages I was earning, cannot be regarded in any other light than -that of a severe penalty for being a bad business man. Yet such was -the law, and it was only mitigated by evasion or defiance. There can, -I think, be no doubt of the badness of the law which crushes those who -obey it honestly, but permits itself to be rendered nugatory with the -utmost ease and impunity by any who are sufficiently dishonest. Nay, -more, which tacitly invites and fosters dishonesty and falsehood to -such an extent that I am sure no decent man can ever go through the -process of being made a bankrupt without having deep scars left in his -soul.</p> - -<p>But although my present relief was undoubtedly great, and I -consequently felt much happier, I was by no means upon secure ground as -yet. Therefore, I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span> was exceedingly impatient when morning came to be -off to the city with my precious little hoard. I was outside the office -some time before the clock struck, and at the earliest possible moment -I was inside, much to the disgust of the first arrivals, who resented -my punctuality. My vivacious friend of the previous day was there, -cutting jokes with all and sundry except me, whom he seemed to regard -as a piece of furniture which had accidentally got left in the office, -by which I gathered correctly that he did not want to be recognised by -me.</p> - -<p>Presently a clerk came towards me and said with a lowering face, -"Who did you want to see?" I told him, the principal; upon which he -disappeared into an inner office. When he returned, he said, "The -Governor'll see you directly." Presently I was called in, and a very -kindly old gentleman demanded my business. I told him I was a debtor -upon whom his firm had orders to distrain, and that I had come up to -make an offer to buy in my small stock of furniture, so small that it -was hardly worth his while to remove. "Ah," he said, "you are Mr Bullen -of Lordship Lane, I believe," consulting a book at his side. I answered -that I was.</p> - -<p>"Now then," he went on, "what are you prepared to bid for this -furniture of yours?" "Five pounds," I replied as calmly as I could, -though to tell the truth my heart was thumping with the excitement of -the crisis. "Five pounds," he repeated scornfully, "for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> a houseful of -furniture! the thing's absurd. I never heard the like. Indeed you'll -have to offer a good deal more than that." Very earnestly I answered -him that it was quite impossible that I should do so. I had reached the -limit, and that only by what I felt to be a miracle. Then he called the -man whom I had received my instructions from, and consulted him in a -low voice. The upshot of their conversation was that he turned to me -and said, "My man here thinks your offer isn't out of the way, and so -I'll accept it, but you must pay our fee." Again I assured him of my -impecuniosity, but he cut me short by saying, "All right, you give me -a promissory note to pay a guinea for my fee within a month, and the -bargain's closed. But remember, if you try to chisel me, you'll be very -sorry for it. My clerk will make out the receipt and note. He won't -keep you waiting long."</p> - -<p>So I paid the £5 and signed the promissory note. When I was leaving the -office the principal said as if through an afterthought, "Look here, -we've done with you—as far as we are concerned, your goods are free. -But your landlord can distrain, if you let him, at any time between -sunrise and sunset. So if I was you I'd shift those goods to another -house—then they'll be safe and not before. Good morning."</p> - -<p>It may be easily imagined what effect this advice had upon my already -fretted nerves, and I felt as if I must fly. But when I got outside -my friend was there, and I could do no less than thank him for his -invaluable<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> tip, succeeding at the same time in prevailing upon him -to accept half-a-crown as a tiny recognition of, not payment for, his -great kindness. Then I fled, suffering all the time until I reached -home. I dashed into the shop where my wife was standing talking to Bob. -I paid no attention to either of them, but seized the long arm, rushed -outside, and began to pull the shutters down. "Whatever's the matter -with you?" cried my wife, and they both stared at me as if they thought -I was mad. But I never heeded them until I had the place effectually -closed, and then wiping my brow I turned to them and breathlessly -declared the reason of my haste.</p> - -<p>It is hardly to be wondered at that they both laughed until the tears -ran down. I joined them after a while, but at the same time I had -an overwhelming sense of danger passed. The rest of that day was -devoted to preparations for moving, the new abode as I have before -said having been secured. As soon as the legal limit of entry by -bailiffs had passed, I sallied forth and hired a van, horse, and man, -at one and sixpence an hour (see large bills), and the work of removal -began. Of course Bob was in his element, and we worked liked demons. -By supper-time we were fairly installed in the new premises and as -comfortable as circumstances would permit. Nay, I am ungrateful, far -more comfortable than I had been since I first took upon my unfit -shoulders the burden of a shop.</p> - -<p>The last duty I performed that night was to post to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> the landlord the -key of the premises with a line stating what it was. I did not add -insult to injury by any expressions of apology, although I felt that an -apology, very full and ample, was indicated. But, doubtless, the sense -of exultation at having emerged from the late turmoil with my "bits of -sticks," as the poor lovingly call their home plenishing, was uppermost -in my mind, and overcame my sense of what was right and due to all, a -tribute I was unable to pay. We had a delicious little supper of stewed -rabbit and pickled pork that night, total cost for six eighteenpence -(because it was Monday, and Ostend rabbits unsold from Saturday were a -little stale), and afterwards a long, long talk over the beginning of -better times. Then we parted happily, and I enjoyed a perfect night's -rest.</p> - -<p>I had left in the shop the broken lamps, a few of the fittings and the -two counters. I claim no credit for leaving those counters; they had -cost me £10, but I could not have sold them on the spur of the moment -for ten shillings, although they were legally mine, if the term can be -used of transactions which all seemed to me extra-legal if not actually -illegal. To tell the truth I detached the shop entirely from my mind; -it was an incubus removed as was Christian's burden in the "Pilgrim's -Progress," and, although never in the habit of making resolutions or -swearing off, I felt that nothing could, would, or should ever induce -me to take upon my shoulders such a burden again. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span></p> - -<p>I went back to my office with a fairly light heart, except for the -lingering doubts which always assailed me when I had been away a -long time, and found everything proceeding calmly in its accustomed -channels. I did learn afterwards that one kind gentleman, suffering -from insufficiency of occupation, had brought my bankruptcy before the -Secretary, and had been snubbed for his pains. The same philanthropist -I afterwards learned had been to the manager of a firm to which I was -indebted and suggested that they should get an order to garnishee my £2 -a week, but was again repulsed in his benevolent ideas. I may say in -passing that his salary was double mine, that he was a bachelor, and -I was seven, like the Wordsworth child, and after that I think I can -leave the matter.</p> - -<p>How long it was after this sudden passing from storm to calm, before I -was called upon to meet my creditors I do not know, but I do know that -I woke every morning feeling that life had begun anew. The postman's -knock (truly it was rare now) no longer gave me palpitation of the -heart, nor did I fear that upon coming home, I should meet one of my -uninvited guests with designs upon my "bits of sticks." Demands for -money, peremptory, denunciatory, ceased automatically. I moved in a new -world, where debts were not, and £2 a week was a neat little annuity -amply sufficient for all present needs; and I began to feel again -as if life was worth living. Of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span> course I had carried my tools with -me and had set up a bench where I might do an occasional job if the -opportunity offered; and as many of my old customers sought me out, I -still earned a little extra, which I found very useful.</p> - -<p>When I had almost forgotten that such a place as the Bankruptcy Court -existed, much less that I had ever owed any money, I received an -order to attend a first meeting of creditors at the Court. Of course -I attended promptly, but only one of my creditors appeared, and I -learned afterwards that he only came for the purpose of opposing -any hostile resolutions which might be proposed. There were none, -and he said nothing, in fact the whole proceedings were of the most -perfunctory nature and occupied less than a quarter of an hour. I saw -my old friend Mr Hardhat, who congratulated me upon the smooth way -in which my affairs were going. "Now," he said, "there's only the -public examination, and as soon as that is over you can apply for your -discharge." I thanked him, and paid him the very small sum in which he -said I was indebted to him, went away, and in another fortnight forgot -the shameful business again.</p> - -<p>The thought, however, would continually arise in my mind, how very -different my position was now compared to what it had been a few days -ago. Then, while fighting most desperately against overwhelming odds -to pay my way and do my duty, I was being literally harassed to death; -now, having by a <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span>substantial payment, not to my creditors but to the -Government, obtained the right to declare my inability to pay anybody, -I was left in perfect peace, and even in my appointed meeting with -creditors no man of all those to whom I owed money came to say a word -against me. I was not at all inclined to question very closely the -means by which I had obtained deliverance from the morass in which I -had so long been floundering, but the reflections would continually -obtrude themselves, and I could only say with a sigh, as so many others -have said in a like case, that it was a topsy-turvy world.</p> - -<p>Then came the day of my public examination, but it had no terrors for -me, for I knew that it could make no difference to me now, and besides -I rather welcomed the opportunity of saying something in public on my -own behalf. But I little thought that I was to have an object lesson in -the absurdity and injustice of our Bankruptcy laws that day which would -dwell in my mind as long as I lived. Yet it was so, and although I have -read of many more flagrant instances since they are only exaggerations -of this case, the principle is the same.</p> - -<p>A man was being examined whose salary and commission had for over -twenty years been more than £1200 a year. His debts were over £5000, -contracted in all sorts of extravagant ways, and his creditors were -very angry indeed. Now his assets were nil—I heard nothing about the -selling up of his home or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> of his being turned out of the house for -which he was supposed to pay £100 a year rent. In reply to questions he -pleaded that he had a large family, but it turned out that the eldest -was twenty-five and the youngest fourteen. Asked what reason he could -assign for being in this position, he could or would give none but -living beyond his means. Then came the very pertinent question, what -did he propose to do?</p> - -<p>Well, in the first place, said his eminent solicitor, his employers -were willing to retain him in their service providing that he obtained -his discharge, but not otherwise. Supposing that to be the case, his -earnings would be much reduced, say to £800 a year. Now the proposition -made was that whatever he earned over £600 a year should be set aside -to be distributed <i>pro rata</i> among his creditors until they had -received a dividend of five shillings in the pound on their claims. -All this on condition only that he received his discharge then and -there. There was some little talk, purely I judged for the sake of -appearances, and then he was discharged to begin again. Now I do not -say that this was injustice, but if it was just, what was I to call the -treatment I subsequently received?</p> - -<p>I was presently subjected to a searching examination by a very clever -gentleman, who dilated upon my iniquity in continuing to trade after I -knew that I was unable to fulfil my obligations. All the questions put -were from the notes of my preliminary <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span>examination, and I felt very -grateful for my excellent memory.</p> - -<p>No creditor appeared to say a word in my disfavour, and the examination -was concluded, nothing apparently having been done for or against me. I -was puzzled, and as soon as I got outside the Court I eagerly enquired -of my faithful Mr Hardhat, who was waiting for me, what I ought to do -now. "Apply for your discharge at once," said he, "for if you delay it, -the period you will be suspended for (and it's sure to be two years), -will only date from the time of application, however long hence that -may be." Of course I was eager to apply at once, but when I learned -that there would be more fees to pay amounting to several pounds, none -of which money would benefit my creditors at all, I indignantly refused -to do anything of the sort, and said that I didn't care if I was never -discharged, I would pay no more fees if I had thousands. And I rejoice -to say that I never did.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XVII</span> <span class="smaller">THE DAY DAWNS</span></h2> - -<p>The emphatic declaration I made at the end of the last chapter seems to -demand an explanation forthwith, but the reader, if he has had patience -to follow me so far in my recital of these experiences, must wait for -the proper sequence of events. Being assured that I was absolutely free -from molestation by anybody on account of past debts, and in no danger -of any trouble so long as I did not obtain credit to the extent of £20 -without disclosing the fact that I was an undischarged bankrupt, I went -on my way rejoicing. For whatever doubts I had about my future, of one -thing I was certain, and that was that I would never go into business -again as a tradesman, and as for getting credit for £20 I laughed at -the idea.</p> - -<p>Perhaps I was too elated at the knowledge that I was free from the -hateful incubus which had robbed me of all joy in my life for so long, -but I think I had some excuse, and whether I had or not I allowed -myself to feel happy. Occasionally I felt depressed by the thought -of how near I was to forty years of age, how small were my chances -of starting my children<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> in life, and how tired and worn out I was -feeling, but I was naturally elastic of temperament, and the rebound I -had lately felt was entirely beneficial to me. I worked at the bench -still, but with reluctance, because I had learned by bitter experience, -that work I never so hard, the reward was entirely incommensurate with -the outlay of energy. And so I took less and less interest in picture -framing, and got back again to my beloved books in greater measure than -ever.</p> - -<p>Also I scribbled more and got several articles accepted at long -intervals, the remuneration for which, though pleasant to receive and -always coming in handy to meet some most pressing need, such as clothes -for the children, never raised in me any hopes of a permanent and -substantial addition to my income. For I still regarded, by some twist -of mind, the picture framing as my stand-by, although one article which -I could write in an evening or in the morning before going to work -would yield more when sold than I could earn in a week's overtime by -the really hard work of framing, to say nothing of the labour involved -in fetching the material and carrying home the finished product. Not -that I ever received any extravagant prices for my writing. With one -honourable exception, <i>Chambers's Journal</i>, all the organs I wrote for -seemed anxious to get what I wrote for the smallest possible sum, or -nothing if I could be made to forget that they had published my stuff. -To one journal with an august name and a large circulation, having<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> -also an advertisement revenue of many thousands a year, I sent a story -of 5000 words. I received a most courteous letter in reply with a -statement that while they would much like to print the story, which was -an excellent one, they could only offer me ten shillings for it! I took -it, never mind why.</p> - -<p>But taking things all round I was happier than I had been for many -a day. Having been set free from that awful burden of the shop, and -being finished for ever, (I hoped) with the whole body of County Court -officials, bum-bailiffs, etc., I experienced a restful peace to which -I had long been a stranger. I recovered much of my lost vigour, for -although the habit of work still clung to me and I did not waste a -minute if I could help it, I no longer dreaded a knock at the door, -no longer felt symptoms of heart failure at the sight of a postman -coming towards me. Now and then I thought of my fortieth birthday fast -approaching, believing as I did that a man of forty was too old to -strike out any new line, that if he had never done anything worth doing -he never would, and much more of the same tenor. But most happily, -however these pessimistic thoughts harassed me they did not affect -my conduct, not because I determined that they should not, or braced -myself in an heroic resolve to defy fate, age, or anything else that -should tend to hinder my advancement, but for the same reason that -I kept going so long in that hopeless shop, because the necessity -was laid upon me, as the nigger song says, to keep "a-pushin'<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> an' -a-shovin'." Very disagreeable to other people in many cases this -persistence of a fellow for whom <i>they</i> cannot see the slightest -necessity, but then, so much depends upon the point of view.</p> - -<p>My only object in writing the penultimate sentence is to clear myself -of any suspicion of false hypocritical pretence. I have the greatest -horror and detestation of posing as one who, by sheer force of will and -decision of character, has conquered circumstances, lived instead of -died, and although wrecked apparently beyond salvage has reconstructed -something navigable and sailed away from a far more profitable voyage. -For I know that these things depend upon the quality of the fibre of -which a man is wrought and for which he can take no credit. It is -this which often keeps a man at work when, had he been living in more -prosperous conditions, he would have been in bed with grave doctors and -nurses around him, and hourly bulletins as to his temperature, etc., -being issued. I remember during the first influenza epidemic the case -of a carter for one of the great carrying companies in London who, -it being a busy season, had been on duty twenty hours. He drove into -the yard in the small hours of the morning, dropped the reins on his -horse's back, but did not descend from his dickey. As he gave no reply -to repeated hailing by his mates below, one mounted to him and found -him stiff in death. It came out at the inquest that on leaving home -twenty hours before he had told his wife that he felt very bad,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> one -moment shivering and the next burning, and all his limbs one big ache, -but the fibre of the man insisted upon going on. Fear of losing his -job, of being short in his scanty week's earnings had spurred him, but -the frame gave out under the great strain put upon it by the spirit.</p> - -<p>You may call it heroism if you will, but if it has any of that sublime -quality I am sure it is unconscious, innate, and not to be referred to -any conceived and determined desire to overcome obstacles apparently -insurmountable. Of course it is far more admirable, more worthy of -respect than is the conduct of the weakling who wilts under the first -blast of adversity, who must always be bolstered up and pushed along -the way that he ought to go, and never does anything for himself that -he can get others to do for him—a born loafer, in fact, for whom -there really is no room in a work-a-day world, but who, alas! thrives -bodily upon the labours of others, and is often treated with far more -consideration than those who are steadily labouring on.</p> - -<p>It was about this time that I unconsciously dropped upon a new form of -activity entirely aloof from the tradesman line. I was a worker in a -humble little mission whereof none of the members earned more than £2 a -week, and some only half that sum. I had joined it in my desire to get -away from the cabals and jealousies of the ordinary church or chapel -where two-thirds of the good that might be done is wasted<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> upon most -unchristian friction between members. I had got thoroughly disgusted -with them all as far as my experience had gone, and I felt that my only -hope of remaining associated with a body of Christians was to get as -low down as possible, where nobody could put on side or ape the patron.</p> - -<p>Now it was our custom in our little hall during the winter months to -give, whenever we could raise sufficient funds, a free tea to the poor -neglected children of the neighbourhood, of whom there were a sad -number. It always meant a lot of work collecting the few shillings -necessary, but that work was never grudged by any of us, and we always -felt sufficiently rewarded at the sight of the poor kiddies stuffing -themselves. How cheaply we did it to be sure. Tea never cost us more -than one shilling a pound, condensed milk, threepence halfpenny a pound -tin; good cake, from the philanthropic firm of Peek Frean, we got -for fourpence, and sometimes threepence a pound; and other matters, -including margarine, on a like scale. Oh, it was a feast! and there -was always a hungry crowd of grown-ups outside at the close who were -grateful for the carefully saved fragments.</p> - -<p>Well! it came to pass that at this particular time I speak of the -winter promised to be exceptionally severe, and we could not raise -funds for our free teas. So, in a moment of inspiration, I suggested -that if we could raise sufficient funds to have some lantern slides -made from pictures which I would get, and take the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span> Peckham Public -Hall, I would give a lecture on the South Sea Whaling industry, of -which I had never forgotten a detail. All the brethren entered into the -proposal <i>con amore</i>, but I doubt if it would ever have matured but for -a recent convert, a young clerk in a big manufacturing house, who drew -out his savings and financed the affair.</p> - -<p>That difficulty over, we went ahead full speed and pestered everybody -we knew to buy tickets, getting a guinea by the way from Sir John -Blundell Maple, who probably thought it was worth that to shelve -us when we applied to him for his patronage of the show. The great -night arrived, and we had secured a popular local preacher to take -the chair. His organist had promised to play an accompaniment for two -sacred songs which I was to sing, and best of all, four hundred tickets -were sold. Our popular preacher, however, very nearly ruined us, for, -after introducing me in a very graceful speech, he said to my shame -and indignation, "Will brother so-and-so lead us in prayer," naming a -long-winded old donkey who would ramble you on for an indefinite length -of time in a babblement that was anything but prayer, even if such a -prologue was at all indicated on such an occasion.</p> - -<p>I verily believe that I lost a pint of sweat while that old idiot -maundered on. I felt in every nerve the impatience and disgust of the -mixed audience, and at last, in despair, I actually prayed myself that -the Lord would stop his wretched twaddle, for it was nothing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> else. -Apparently my prayer was answered, almost immediately, for he had a -violent paroxysm of coughing which enabled us to go ahead. Of course -I was not at all nervous, my long training in the open air prevented -that, and equally of course (I suppose) the strangeness of the subject -held the suburban folk enthralled. However that may have been, I know -that presently seeing my last slides appearing and fearing that I was -cutting the matter too short, I asked a friend of mine in front (in a -stage whisper) the time. "Ten o'clock, Tom," he promptly replied, in -a voice audible all over the hall. My, but there was nearly a panic. -Some wise person turned the lights up, and in about two minutes nearly -everybody had gone.</p> - -<p>You see, divers of them came from far, and our Peckham communications -in those days were none of the best. A few faithful local ones -remained till the bitter end however, and my superintendent, who was a -chimney-sweep, said in broken accents from the platform, swabbing his -eyes meanwhile, "I never knoo we 'ad sich a bruvver!" And what more in -the way of commendation and honest praise could the heart of man desire -than that? Only this, that the net profits of the lecture, after all -expenses were paid, were £14 all but a shilling or two, a far greater -sum than we had ever had before to spend upon free teas for poor -children.</p> - -<p>Then, at the instigation of a lantern fiend, I beg the dear chap's -pardon, a lantern enthusiast, who offered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> his services and his truly -exquisite set of slides free, I gave a series of four lectures on the -life of Christ in the little hall itself. A blind performer on the -organ flutina, who knew nearly all the classic hymns by heart, was -easily secured at the economical figure of half a crown per evening, -and I interspersed my remarks with all the old favourite hymns, that -now are indeed caviare to the general, sung solo. Such an entertainment -as I then gave, which of course would be impossible to me now, would, -I am sure, bring me in twenty guineas a night. For I could sing and I -could talk, the pictures and the music were alike excellent but—. The -total net produce was about fifteen shillings for four nights! There, -it's the first bit of brag I've given utterance to in the course of -these chapters, and this is its fitting anti-climax.</p> - -<p>But if I did not receive much for my services as far as money went, -either for myself or the cause, I did gain invaluable experience in -addressing indoor audiences. I was already thoroughly at home with any -crowd in the open air, but I found that it was a totally different -matter to speak inside a building, even to the method of producing the -voice and sustaining it without obvious effect or real fatigue for a -couple of hours if need arose. And as I had previously discovered in -the open air that straining the voice ranting or raving was not only -indicative of insincerity but precluded intelligibility as well, so, in -a renewed and more definite sense, I found it here, and I am beyond<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span> -measure grateful for that experience. For I hate to hear a speaker, on -whatever subject, yell or shout at his audience as if he had a personal -quarrel with every one of them, just as much as I hate mannerisms of -any kind on the platform, regarding them all as a sort of showing off -that is only worthy of a pampered child.</p> - -<p>The upshot of this practice at home, as I might say, was that I began -to get a local reputation as a lecturer, and any struggling church -or chapel in the neighbourhood trying to raise funds would give me a -cordial invitation to come and help them, providing my own lanternist, -etc., for the good of the cause; and for a time I went, unconscious -that I was by way of being a blackleg, but exceedingly conscious that -the <i>silver</i> collections asked for on these occasions were mostly -copper with a goodly sprinkling of farthings. In my natural modesty -(the reader may laugh quietly at this but I can assure him that the -possession of this quality, so beautiful in women, is in excess -entirely detrimental to man, since the world takes us largely at our -own valuation), I felt that these meagre results were a sufficient -gauge of my popularity.</p> - -<p>Still I did remember occasionally, to my comfort, a small experience I -had once, in Portland, Oregon. Three of us common sailors were invited -to a Methodist Episcopal Church to hear a lecture, by a phenomenal -preacher, entitled, "The Life, Death, and Resurrection of an Arab." -We were almost appalled by the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> magnificence of the place, which, -for luxury of appointment, could give points to any place of public -entertainment I have ever been in. Silk velvet lounges for pews, -upholstered like feather beds, soft Turkey carpets on the floor, -hammered brass enrichments to the carven woodwork—the place reeked of -wealth. At the close of the lecture the preacher went round with his -own top hat for the collection, in his humility not desiring any help -from the church officers. And the result in spot cash, as they would -say, was four dollars and ninety-two cents! of which our party might -have been credited with ten cents. A widow's mite indeed, for it was -all we had. Able seamen ashore in a foreign port, except on liberty -day, rarely have any money, and I am sure I don't know why we had -that solitary dime. But the lesson of the affair was that services, -however valuable in themselves, rendered gratis, or in the hope that -the audience will be generous, are usually taken by the recipients as -not worth recognising. The higher the price the performer can charge -and get, the more he or she is appreciated. It is a fact never to be -forgotten.</p> - -<p>Thus it came about that I did not get puffed up by any roseate visions -of becoming a popular lecturer—how could I when I had seen an audience -of eight hundred yield fourteen shillings and elevenpence three -farthings? But I had a solid asset always in the glow of satisfaction -that I could address a big crowd and interest them, a pleasure which -was hardly clouded<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> even for a moment by such remarks as I heard a -burly man make once in a chapel at Peckham where I was lecturing. In -a hoarse whisper he said to a neighbour, "What's this 'ere all about, -Guvnor?" "Whales," replied his interlocutor. "Ho, is it?" he growled. -"Well, s'rimps is more in my line or winkles. 'Ere, let me get aht!"</p> - -<p>Almost imperceptibly I was dropping my picture framing connection. Much -as I had enjoyed the work, apart from the struggle to add to my income -by it, I had grown to hate it from its associations. That none of the -men who had trusted me with their goods had even so much as appeared -against me when I had figured as a bankrupt under examination only made -me feel grateful to them, it did not lessen my horrors of the means by -which I had been brought to the sad pass I had so lately emerged from. -And so as I did not pursue the business with any energy it gradually -fell away, and I was not in the least sorry, although I had not got to -the point yet of refusing any work that came in my way.</p> - -<p>But I had grown quite unconsciously into the habit of writing, had -become used to seeing what I had written in print even to the point of -wondering not what the world would think of it, but what the editor -would think it worth while to pay me for it. Also I had grown to be -infected by the spirit of adventure, common to most literary men. By -which I mean that, unlike the tradesman, who, with a steady demand for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> -his goods, which people must have, fixes his profits with due regard to -the practice of his competitors, and does not dream of vicissitudes, -they must always reckon upon a change in the public taste or in the -idiosyncrasies of editors. It is a sportsmanlike feeling, and I must -say that it appealed to me very strongly as a pastime, but I always -regarded the cheques which I received as a gift from on high. When I -got an article or story accepted, I rejoiced and was exceedingly glad, -and then I endeavoured to forget all about it. Because I never knew -what I was going to get, nor when I was going to receive it. Therefore -when it came it was in the nature of a find. Needless to say, I always -wanted it very badly, and always wondered whatever I should have done -without it, but that I think only added to my joy.</p> - -<p>Then came an opportunity which I thought but little of, at that time, -but have since seen the importance of. An article appeared in a -scientific journal of high standing upon a subject which I had made -peculiarly my own, and about which I had the most intimate personal -knowledge. A friend brought this article to my notice, and I, feeling -amazed at its assumptions, wrote to the editor about it. As a result -he requested me to write an article for him on the matter, and I did -so. Now, having regard to the standing of the journal in question, -and the fact that I had been invited to write, I broke my rule of -non-expectancy, and looked for a substantial reward. Alas for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> my -hopes. The article duly appeared—it was well over four thousand words, -and in three months I received for it thirty-seven and sixpence! I -regard that now as I regarded it then, an outrage. Yet I suppose that -is really how men of science are paid in this country.</p> - -<p>I am happy to say that I have never written for a scientific journal -since, and I put that experience by the side of the other which I -mentioned before as being parallel cases and warnings. Why, many a -provincial newspaper struggling for a bare existence would have paid -a hack writer more. But few people outside the charmed circle know -how shamefully certain journals with an immense advertisement revenue -exploit the poor scribes who fill their columns of reading matter with -the fine fruit of brains and experience.</p> - -<p>There is another curious little matter connected with this, which is -entirely germane, and I think it of considerable interest, which I -should like to mention as a particular instance. At one of our seaport -towns I met with a man in Government employ, whose pay was at the -rate of about £100 a year, but who possessed ability and mathematical -qualifications of a very high order. In the course of conversation with -him one day I learned that he had contributed over sixty articles, -in the space of two years, to at least a dozen different daily and -weekly journals. Some of these articles were 3000 words in length, -and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> none were under a thousand. Many of them had been printed in -prominent places, and were obviously considered by the editors as of -great importance, as indeed they were. When I had glanced through some -of them I said cheerfully, "I am very glad that you have been able to -add to your scanty income in this way; it should lead to something very -lucrative in time." "Oh," he replied, quite innocently, "I have never -received anything for them. I thought that they weren't worth paying -for."</p> - -<p>I was astounded for a moment, and then asking him for a piece of paper, -I drafted him a form of account to send to each of those journals. He -did so, and in a week's time I was delighted to receive a grateful -letter from him saying that my little bit of advice had resulted in -his getting £60. He added that it would probably save the life of his -dear wife, who had been ordered away by the doctor, advice impossible -for him to follow before owing to lack of means. Well, heaven knows -the remuneration he received was little enough, but it was better -than nothing. What a condition of things when concerns yielding huge -fortunes to their owners will stoop so low as to allow poor men to give -them of their best, and never offer a halfpenny in return until dunned -for it, and then only on so niggardly a scale.</p> - -<p>I cannot close this chapter without saying that this practice is by -no means universal, but it is decidedly general. I have myself been -begged by an editor,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span> yes, literally begged, to write an article for -a pittance so small that I am ashamed to say I accepted it; and found -afterwards that the article in question had been sold to several other -journals for a big profit!</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XVIII</span> <span class="smaller">THE JOY OF SUCCESS</span></h2> - -<p>Now from the foregoing chapter it will be gathered that all -unconsciously I was drifting into the habit of writing, in a literary -and journalistic sense, for payment. It was a timid and tentative -sort of beginning, and I often felt the rewards totally inadequate, -especially in the matter of newspaper paragraphs, of which I sent out a -good number. But my efforts in this direction suddenly received a most -unexpected and gratifying fillip. Glancing one day in the Free Library -through the columns of the Illustrated London News, I discovered, with -a pleasant feeling at the pit of the stomach, as if I had just imbibed -something warm and stimulating, that Dr Andrew Wilson, that genial -kindly journalist and lecturer, had devoted his weekly column to my -scientific article, allusion to which was made at the close of the last -chapter.</p> - -<p>I need not now record what he said, but it was so kindly and helpful -that I began to feel a strange sensation—that of hope. For I could not -help thinking that if what I wrote was worthy of the attention of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> so -able a critic and journalist, it ought to be saleable generally. And -so I wrote him a grateful letter, and asked him if he would follow up -his kindness by introducing me to the editors of some of the journals -for which he wrote, imagining in my ignorance that to be writing -regularly for a paper or magazine argued not merely acquaintance with -the editor, but influence over his acceptance of articles. I have since -found that it is a very general misapprehension. As if the fact of a -man being chosen to be editor of a publication did not prove that in -the estimation of his employers at least he was capable of independent -judgment, and might be relied upon to exercise it!</p> - -<p>The jolly doctor answered me very promptly and kindly, but firmly -disabused my mind of the idea that he had any influence with editors. -In fact he told me, what, if I had possessed any knowledge of the -profession at all I might have known, that editors rather resented any -attempt on the part of a contributor to introduce other people. He -advised me, as Kipling did later, to send my stuff in on its unaided -merit, and suggested "Longmans'" and the "Cornhill" as two likely -magazines to appreciate my matter. I wrote and thanked him, went home -and got out a four thousand word article and posted it to the editor -of "Longmans'," enclosing a stamped addressed envelope, for I had -learned that much anyhow. The article was entitled, "Some Incidents of -the Sperm Whale Fishery," and as I now know, would not in the least -appeal to Mr<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> Andrew Lang. I got it returned almost immediately, with -the usual printed slip expressing the editor's regret, etc. Of course, -I felt disheartened, having some indefinite idea that the advice I had -received from Dr Andrew Wilson had more in it than struck the ear.</p> - -<p>There was still left the "Cornhill," though, and being unwilling to -risk the loss of the postage I walked across the park to the office -of that pleasant publication, and laid my contribution upon the ledge -devoted to correspondence. As the sequel has been made public property, -by that kindly gentleman and good friend of mine, Mr J. St Loe -Strachey, who was then Editor of the "Cornhill," I have no hesitation -in reproducing it here. At that time the "Cornhill," like so many -other magazines, was suffering from a plethora of accepted MSS., and -Mr Strachey had accordingly given instructions to his assistant, Mr -Roger Ingpen, not to give him any more MSS. to look at even, since none -could possibly be accepted for a very long time. But Mr Ingpen is an -extremely conscientious and careful man; he is withal of a most kindly -disposition, and so it came about that my poor MS., instead of being -returned unread with a statement of the cause, was carefully looked -through. In the result Mr Ingpen handed it to Mr Strachey with a remark -that here was something so fresh, and in his opinion so good, that he -would not take the responsibility of returning it until his chief had -seen it. Mr<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> Strachey uttered some expression of impatience, but thrust -the MS. into his pocket, and read it on his way home. And, lest I -should become wearisome, it appeared in the earliest possible number of -the magazine.</p> - -<p>It was, all unknown to me, a momentous time. The acceptance of that -MS. changed the whole course of my life. For if it had been returned -from the "Cornhill," for whatever reason might have been assigned, I -had determined to destroy it, as prior to sending it to "Longmans'," -it had been rejected by the Editor of "Answers" (who wrote me a note -about my folly in sending such stuff to a journal of the high character -of "Answers"), and by the editor of "Chambers' Journal." So I felt -justified in assuming that if the "Cornhill" would have none of it -the verdict must be final—it was no good. And yet upon how many -little things its acceptance hung! The fact of Mr Ingpen's care and -appreciation, of my really good and clear handwriting without which -Mr Strachey certainly would not have read it, it being his custom -never to read MSS. if he can possibly avoid doing so. And then there -is that unknown contributor whose story was displaced to make room -for mine—how I hope that he was some renowned person to whom the -non-appearance of his stuff made no difference!</p> - -<p>When the article appeared it in some manner caught the eye, and -appealed to the taste, of Mr W. T.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span> Stead, who had then started the -"Review of Reviews." He gave it a lengthy notice, in the course of -which he stated his opinion that I had struck a new vein of stirring -adventure which should prove a very valuable one. Encouraged by reading -this, I wrote to Mr Stead, telling him that I had partly written a book -upon the lines of my article, and begging his advice as to getting it -published, for I told him I knew nothing about the publishing world, -and had an idea that unless a new writer had <i>influence</i> (whatever I -supposed that to be), he stood no chance of getting anything published -except by paying for it. And I, so far from being able to pay money for -having a book published, was extremely anxious to earn some by the sale -of my writings.</p> - -<p>In his reply, which was prompt and kindly, he recommended me to Messrs -Smith, Elder & Co., the publishers of the "Cornhill," assuring me that -no introduction was necessary, that all publishers were always on the -lookout for new writers, and that if my book was as good as the sample -he thought I need have no doubt of its acceptance. So upon this advice -I wrote to Messrs Smith, Elder & Co., offering to submit the portion of -the book I had already written (some 50,000 words) for their approval. -Naturally they suggested I should finish the book first, and then -they would be delighted to consider it, and give me their decision as -early as possible. Thus encouraged I toiled early and late to finish -the book, and when I<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> had done so I submitted it to Messrs Smith, -Elder, who almost immediately accepted it. But the story has often -been told, and I would rather not repeat myself if possible. I only -tell what I have about it in order to lead up to something else which -belongs to this book, to these confessions, an echo of the dreadful -time through which I had passed. I may say, however, that had I been -a superstitious man, I should certainly have felt that my success in -getting my first book accepted and the, to me, immense sum of £100 paid -me for it, was dearly purchased by a terrible domestic blow. Hitherto, -in spite of much illness and privation in my family, its circle had -remained intact. Now, however, with the first gleam of prosperity that -I had ever known in all my life, came the grim shadow of death. On the -day that I received the letter of acceptance of my book, my youngest -child, a boy of great promise and beautiful disposition, suddenly died. -Mercifully I had a tremendous amount of work on hand that week. I had -quite a large order for picture frames to execute, the last by the way -that I ever did. I had to remove from one house to another, to attend -to the burial business, and to do my office work also. Therefore I had -no time to think until all was well over, and the tragedy had become -only a sad memory.</p> - -<p>This marked a turning point in my career which led to some amazing -results. I had hitherto never seemed able to do anything right, now I -could do<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> nothing wrong. Orders for literary work flowed in upon me, -and when the book was published the critics vied with one another in -the kindliness of their remarks. Everyone seemed bent upon trying to -turn my head. That, however, was impossible, for, in the first place, -I was past forty years of age, and in the next my training in the -school of adversity had been too long and thorough to permit of my -being puffed up now. Of course I began to save money, and as soon as -I did my thoughts turned to those friendly creditors of mine who had -behaved with such wonderful leniency to me in the day of my trouble. -My old German creditor especially I remembered. Now after I had become -bankrupt I still went to his warehouse to buy my materials, and always -stole in and out like a thief ashamed to meet him, but one day did so. -He said, with a queer smile, "So, Meesder Bullen, you vas all right -now, hein! ve dont makes no trouble for you, hein! now you soon bicks -opp agen, hein! but tondt go buyin' your mouldins someveres ellas now -mit your ready money, gome here all de time. Ve makes you righdt. Cood -day."</p> - -<p>Of this good old man, and the others not less kind, I now thought -continually, and as I reckoned up my savings week by week my hopes -grew stronger that I should soon be able to pay all my debts. As they -did so, I made a resolve that if I ever did become able to pay those -obligations my creditors should receive every penny I had to give, not -a doit should be impounded<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> by bankruptcy officials. For I knew and -hated the system whereby a bankrupt's estate has an immense amount of -it swallowed up in the costs of division. Of course I know that the -machinery of a great concern like the Court of Bankruptcy needs funds -to carry it on, but I am perfectly sure that the costs in which the -creditors are mulcted are enormously in excess of what they should -rightly be.</p> - -<p>Therefore I determined that when I had accumulated sufficient funds to -satisfy all my debts I would give myself the great pleasure of going to -each creditor personally, and paying him what I owed him. Then when all -were paid I would take the receipted bills to the Court, and demand to -be discharged from being a bankrupt. That was my programme, but like -many another well laid plan it did not work. As you shall see.</p> - -<p>When at last the time arrived so eagerly waited for, and I had about -£400 saved, I took a day's leave from the office (I was soon to leave -it altogether), and going to the Court hunted up my old and tried -friend, Mr Hardhat. Giving him a substantial fee for taking him away -from the Court, we adjourned to a neighbouring hotel, where I unfolded -my plan to him. He listened attentively until I had finished, and then -said judicially, "Yes, it's all very well and honest and all the rest -of it, but if you will excuse my saying so it's very foolish. In the -first place every one of your creditors has wiped your account off his -books as a bad debt, and you'll<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> hardly get thanks for re-opening the -matter, even though you come with the money in your hand. In the next -you'll certainly get into trouble with the Court for not proceeding -in the matter regularly, and you may be sure they will suspend your -discharge for as long as they possibly can. The four years which has -elapsed your bankruptcy will not be reckoned. What you ought to do is -to take half the sum you have mentioned, go to the Official Receiver, -and tell him that a friend has offered to pay that sum into Court in -consideration of you getting your immediate discharge, and all will go -through like clock-work."</p> - -<p>I waited very impatiently until he had finished, because I knew -beforehand all the facts he was telling me, and then I said grimly, -"And how much of that £200 do you suppose my creditors will get by -the time it has filtered through the Court?" He smiled and murmured -abstractedly, "I'd rather not say." "Well," I went on, "my mind is -made up. Every penny that I have saved up to pay my debts with shall -go to the people I owe the money to, and I'll do the distribution most -gladly. I paid £10 in Court fees almost with my heart's blood, and -they'll get no more if I can help it." I had forgotten to mention that -being unable to redeem the beautiful piano in time it was lost, and the -pawnbroker got for £8 an instrument honestly worth £40.</p> - -<p>So we parted the best of friends, and I with my cheque-book in my -pocket began my happy journey.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> I wish with all my heart that I was -able to give you some idea of the joy I had that day and the next. -As nothing had ever given me greater pain, shame and humiliation, -than having to make excuses for not paying money which I legally -owed, as the degradation of borrowing had eaten into my very soul, -so now the exultation of being able to clear myself, as it were, -was correspondingly great. I verily believe that was the happiest -(consciously the happiest) day of all my life. And I was asked to -surrender all that delight to some cold-blooded official, who would -exact an enormous toll for the services rendered by his department. -The very thought of such a thing was preposterous. It would have been -literally flinging away the joy which I had anticipated so long and so -eagerly.</p> - -<p>The first man that I called upon was a mount-cutter, who had a small -business in which he worked very hard himself. I owed him £12, an -amount which he certainly could ill afford to lose, but which he had -been obliged to regard as hopelessly gone. He was an exceedingly kind -and genial man, and one with whom I had been on most intimate terms, so -that my pain and grief at letting him in had been very great. I greeted -him cordially, and said, "Mr ——, I have come to pay you that money I -owe you, and I cannot say how glad I am to be able to do it. I believe -it is £12." And with that I got out my cheque-book. He stared at me -for a moment, and then replied in a strained voice, "I am so glad, not -merely of the money, though<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span> it could not be more welcome than it is -to-day, when I have just learned of a loss of £50, money lent to help a -friend, but because you have come spontaneously to pay me. It does me -very much good in every way, gives me a little better opinion of human -nature, and I thank you most heartily." I wrote out the cheque and -handed it to him, saying what I knew to be the absolute truth, that it -could not give him more pleasure to receive his just due than it gave -me to be able and willing to pay it. Then I told him of the happy turn -of fortune which had enabled me to do this act of justice and honesty, -and he listened delightedly. We then shook hands, and parted both with -a glow of good feeling that was priceless.</p> - -<p>Then with eager steps I hastened to the warehouse of my old German -creditor, but alas I found that he was dead. It was a heavy blow, for -I had so looked forward to seeing him without a downcast eye and a -shrinking sense of dishonesty. His successor in the business accepted -my cheque in the most matter-of-fact way, making no comment. But that -affected me not at all, although I came away less springily than I did -from the first creditor.</p> - -<p>Then I made my way to the establishment of a big Jewish firm to whom -I owed a considerable sum for fancy goods on my wife's side of the -business. The manager, a wonderfully able business man with a bright -incisive manner, remembered me at once, but said directly I mentioned -my errand, "Oh, but that's<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> all settled and done with. You went through -the Court, didn't you?" "Yes," I replied, "but that didn't cancel my -obligation. It was only a temporary expedient, and now that I am able -to pay I want to do so." "Oh, very well," he rejoined carelessly, -"we'll turn it up." So the books were brought. He looked up the matter, -and turning to me with an air of surprise, exclaimed, "But this has -nothing to do with you. It's in your wife's name!" I laughed and -answered, "Yes, I know that, but it's my debt all the same, and I want -to pay it."</p> - -<p>It may sound incredible, but it is nevertheless true, that I had quite -a difficulty in persuading that gentleman to take my cheque, for he -kept protesting that it was no affair of mine. Even after I had handed -the cheque to him, he held it towards me and said, "It's not too -late you know, take it back; you've no need to pay this." And when I -laughingly refused to do anything of the sort he said, with a shrug of -his shoulders, "Well, you're a fool, of course, but you're a damned -good sort of a fool, and if you'll accept my invitation I'll give you -the best dinner that can be got in the city of London for money. I -look upon you as a natural curiosity." Gleefully I assured him that -dinners, except as a necessary means of keeping the machine going, -never troubled me, that I had grown to like only the plainest food, -and that in very small quantities. But I hastened to assure him that I -nevertheless valued his kindly intention as highly as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span> if I had been a -gourmet. So <i>we</i> parted, and I have never seen him since.</p> - -<p>From thence I went to another city house to which I owed a substantial -sum. Here, however, I had never seen the principal, my dealings having -been entirely through the traveller who called upon me, and who I have -no doubt had been in serious trouble through my failure. My business -here was of the most formal nature, for the cashier had nothing to do -with the previous course of the business, only to receive my payment -and to give me a quittance. But the sequel to this was perhaps the most -surprising of all those eventful experiences. The next day I received -a letter from the principal of the firm couched in the most charming -terms. He had discovered he said that I was the writer of certain -books, the reading of which had given him the greatest pleasure of -that kind he had ever known. It was exceedingly difficult, he went on, -to realise that I was the struggling tradesman whom he had so often -caused to be harassed for the amount of his account; had he known who -it was he would certainly not have troubled me. And now, as the only -reparation he was able to make for what he felt had been his harshness -towards me, he begged to return the cheque (I believe it was for £35), -which nothing could induce him to accept. And he begged to wish me all -possible happiness and prosperity as well as long life to go on giving -pleasure.</p> - -<p>I only wish I could add to my present pleasure by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> giving this good -man's name, but that, alas, is out of the question for obvious reasons. -But does not such an experience as this give one an exalted sense of -the kindliness, courtesy, and active benevolence, that is to be found -among business men. My motives in writing this book may be variously -assessed, but I feel that I am only discharging an obvious duty in -putting on record so fragrant, so elevating a record of fact. It should -give persons inclined to cynicism a better, higher idea of their -fellows. For it cannot be supposed that my experiences were unique, -that I was specially singled out for such treatment. No, I believe that -in every walk of life the good, the real good, in man far outweighs -the evil, and that it is an entirely false and narrow view which sees -in every man you do business with one whose mission in life is to <i>do</i> -everybody he can, caring for nobody but himself. And I seek no better -proof than that of my own experience.</p> - -<p>Occasionally the honest kindly fair dealing trader or private person -will be <i>done</i>, will be swindled ruthlessly. Now and then one comes -across a man who simply lives to do harm, whose gall of envy is such -that he will take any mean advantage to ruin another man whom he -envies, even though in the process he only injures himself. Thank God, -these are the exceptions, not the rule. On the contrary, in the good -old way these exceptions only prove the rule that love, justice, and -mercy are general, and that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span> hatred, injustice, and cruelty are only -sad upheavals of devilishness which are gradually but surely growing -less and less able to harm well-doing folk.</p> - -<p>Pleasant as these experiences were, and gratefully as I cherish them, -I do not think that they were more so than some later ones, when I -sought out some old friends who had lent me money to help me out of -my constantly recurring difficulties, knowing full well when they did -so that the chances of getting repaid were exceedingly slight. One -of these friends indeed was a Swiss to whom in the early days of our -friendship I had rendered some slight assistance in his endeavour to -get arrears of four years wages from his employer, a compatriot who had -been exploiting him on the ground of his ignorance of England and her -ways. From him I learned how wonderfully these toiling Swiss managed to -save. His wages never exceeded thirty shillings a week, out of which -I should say, I never knew exactly, he saved seventy-five per cent. -At any rate he was able to live for four years without receiving any -wages from his employer, sleeping in a greenhouse at night (they were -gardeners), and eating God knows what.</p> - -<p>I met him at the mission with which I was associated in Paddington, -and seeing his friendlessness asked him to my humble home for Sunday -dinner and tea. And thus our friendship grew and ripened until I was -able to render him the service aforesaid, thinking as I did that he was -on the verge of starvation. To my<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> intense surprise long afterwards, -when I was bewailing to him my parlous plight, he took me to the -garret-chamber which he occupied with all the paraphernalia of his -business, and going to his box produced a bagful of sovereigns, out of -which he asked me to take what would satisfy my urgent needs. Of course -in a work of fiction I should have refused with many high falutin' -words, but being cast in a lower mould I accepted, after I had got over -my amazement that he should have any money at all, much less all that, -for there was well over £100 in the bag.</p> - -<p>But I must not make this chapter too long, and so I will leave over for -the commencement of the next my dealings with my dear friend, Emanuel -Hauri, whose end was peace.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>CHAPTER XIX</span> <span class="smaller">CONCLUSION</span></h2> - -<p>This loving stranger in a strange land was consumptive, racked with an -awful cough, and lived like a dog—aye, worse than many dogs I know. -By all theories he should not have lived a year, for in addition to -his dreadfully disabling disease and his manner of living, he worked -like an over-powered machine. He was never in bed after three in the -morning, and I have known him to trundle a barrow containing a cartload -of bedding plants from Covent Garden to Kilburn before beginning his -work at six o'clock. And he was never fretful, never captious. The -only criticism I ever heard him make was once when he told me he had -employed a young Englishman to help him at a big job of work at a -gentleman's garden which he was reconstructing. "He stand an' vatch me -wile I do de vork, he vants 'is beer efery few minutes, he don't know -dis and he von't know dat, an' at last I gif him his day's money an' -dell 'im to go, for I can get on better vithout 'im. Dese people in dis -country do not seem to know vat vork is!" </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span></p> - -<p>And oh, my countrymen, is this not the case in a nutshell? It has -got to such a pitch now, in this dear land of ours, that a pauper -feels that he confers a favour upon a workhouse by condescending to -board in it, and if it does not suit him he will instruct one of the -labour members to ask a question about it in the House of Commons. -Poor Emanuel couldn't understand it anyhow, and I have recorded his -exact words wrung from the gentlest of souls. However, what he said -to me about others is one thing, what he said to me about myself and -my unbusinesslike habits is another. But he always added "of course -you are English, and do not know the need for economy such as we on -the Continent have drilled into us from our earliest years. So I don't -blame you. But I tell you that the day is surely coming, when you, all -of you, will be reduced to doing what we have so long been obliged to -do, gather the weeds of the field to stay your craving stomachs, and -your women will have to work like ours. I am sorry, for you have been -a great people, but you have been a friend of every country but your -own, and your people are getting played out—no patience, no stamina, -no savvy!" I have translated his quaint words, but that is the sense -of them, and shamefacedly I have to admit that they are scarcely -exaggerated, they are nearly true.</p> - -<p>Now this poor consumptive, who always looked more fit for an hospital -than to be about at his strenuous work, had deep within his heart the -passion of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286">[Pg 286]</a></span> love, and very wrongly of course, in defiance of all right -reasoning, married the girl of his choice in his youth. She came from -America at his bidding, and together they lived a more strenuous life -than ever, producing several children, and yet such was their united -energy, always getting on. They bought a large house in Maida Vale that -was running to seed, and letting it out in furnished apartments, while -living themselves in a basement, made it pay.</p> - -<p>It was at this time that I came along with my repayment of the loans -made years before, and no memories of mine can overtop in interest -those of the evening when I came and poured into the wife's lap -the little heap of gold which represented his advances to me and -substantial interest thereon. It happily came at a time when their -affairs were under a shade, it was entirely unexpected and so grateful. -Her face was streaming as she gathered up the coins, and said to her -husband in their own language, "This makes all right, beloved one, no -need to worry now."</p> - -<p>It was a happy evening, but over it was the shadow of death. Not many -weeks after I was called to his bedside, where he lay ardently desiring -release from his sufferings, and assured that his lingerings here could -only mean an additional burden on his wife, already staggering under a -far too heavy load. I can never forget his parting words to me, "If I -could only die. I have done with this world, I am of no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287">[Pg 287]</a></span> more use here, -and why I should live on puzzles me. I will so gladly go and rest." I -bade him farewell and left him, to hear the next day that he had gone -to that rest which he so ardently desired.</p> - -<p>Now, I might if it were desirable give a great many more instances of -the delight and satisfaction I had at that time, if it were not that -I feel that these pages lack so plentifully that characteristic so -earnestly, so eagerly demanded to-day, humour. I have no quarrel with -this demand, for I love humour, and believe that no one has a keener -appreciation of it than myself. But when I look at the majority of the -alleged humorous productions of the day, I am reluctantly compelled to -say that I do not see where their humour lies. I will not mention any -names I see at the foot of alleged humorous articles to-day, which give -me a feeling of nausea, and I wonder mightily how anyone can be found -to read, much less buy the futile piffle that is printed, and that, -too, in our leading magazines and newspapers. One leading exception -I will make and gladly break my rule for, Mr Pett Ridge, bless him, -who never makes a mistake, whose humour is sweet and true, and who, -I believe from his writings, all of which I eagerly read, is as good -a man as they make nowadays. As I only know this gentleman by casual -meetings at dinners, I cannot be accused of log-rolling; indeed, I know -how he would heartily repudiate any effort of the kind on my part. </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span></p> - -<p>Now, in my present peregrinations in search of those to whom I was -indebted, I was unable to trace two or three, notably the gentleman -in the Adelphi from whom I had borrowed £10 at an interest of £1 per -month. And so, when the business was over, and I visited my friend -Mr Hardhat with the story of my efforts, he smiled grimly and said, -"They'll suspend your discharge for two years, you see if they don't." -I said nothing, because I did not greatly care; but I felt that if they -did, it would only be on a par with all that I had hitherto seen and -known of the business. However we made the application for discharge in -due form, presenting with it documentary evidence that all the debts -had been paid, with the exception of those two or three that we could -not find before mentioned, the total amount remaining unpaid being a -mere trifle.</p> - -<p>Now it seems scarcely believable, since one would naturally suppose -that such an institution existed primarily for the purpose of doing -justice to creditors, but the official to whom I presented the -documents looked as if he had been personally affronted. "This ought -to have gone through the Official Receiver's hands," he said severely. -I was sorely tempted to reply in a similar manner, since his severity -or otherwise mattered not a jot to me now, but I choked it down and -answered mildly, "I wanted to save the creditors and myself trouble -and fees and delay." To this he made no reply, but handed me my -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span>appointment for the hearing of my application for discharge.</p> - -<p>That day came, and I again appeared before the Registrar to support my -application for discharge. Now, when I had last come there, an utterly -penniless man without any prospect of ever paying my debts, the public -prosecutor or Official Receiver had dealt most leniently with me, had -only stated the case against me of not keeping proper books of account, -and of continuing to trade after knowing myself to be a bankrupt, -without bias of any kind. But now that I had vindicated my right to be -called an honest man, by voluntarily paying every man to whom I had -ever owed anything, I was treated as a criminal. And on some technical -count or other, which I did not understand, my discharge was suspended -for two years. I endeavoured to protest, but was summarily silenced, -and came away in a white heat of indignation against a system that -under the ægis of law makes it more profitable to be a rogue than to be -honest. I have no doubt that the Bankruptcy Act may theoretically be -as near perfection as can be, but I am absolutely certain that in its -administration it puts a premium upon knavery and crushes the honestly -intentioned debtor into the dust.</p> - -<p>My good friend, Mr Hardhat, was waiting for me when I emerged, and -listened in silence while I exhausted my fairly copious vocabulary of -disgust and dislike upon the whole sordid business. But he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span> laughed -outright, when I stamped the dirt off my boots upon the threshold, and -declared that I would die rather than enter the place again. However -we parted an hour later, on most excellent terms, and from that day -to this, nearly nine years ago, although I have passed the place a -thousand times, I have never seen him again.</p> - -<p>And now my narrative draws near its close. For when I commenced -it, I meant it to contain only what should justify its title, "The -Confessions of a Tradesman," and so I have rigidly excluded all that -I felt would not rightly come under that head. I found also as I -advanced with the story that, among the thousands of incidents which -rushed to my mind, I was reduced to a really small selection, since I -was determined to tell the truth only. And if I told the whole truth -there can be little doubt that I should have got into exceedingly -hot water. So as I have been badly scalded once, I feel disinclined -to run any risks of a like nature, and while my determination, and -indeed my compulsion to tell the truth is as strong as ever, I must -tell only such parts of it as will not wring the withers of sensitive -individuals, or give opportunity to any grasping ones to get at me in a -pecuniary sense.</p> - -<p>Writers of autobiography are often blamed, quite unjustly I think, for -leaving out just those parts of their story which in the opinion of the -reader would prove most interesting. But would it not be more<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> just to -remember that closely interwoven as our lives are with those of others, -it would be impossible to go into all the details desired without -involving other persons who have not the least wish that their names or -their actions should be made public? Another thing which is constantly -pressed by the reviewers of autobiographies is, that no man or woman -can be trusted to tell the truth about themselves. That they will -either naturally try to make themselves out better than they are, or in -a spirit of perverse braggadocio, pretend themselves to be villains of -a deep and deadly dye, when they have only been playing at wickedness.</p> - -<p>From both of these reproaches I do earnestly hope to be absolved. I -have honestly tried in these confessions to set down just what has -happened in a curiously involved life, repressing many desires to -be vindictive towards others or exculpatory of myself, and since I -am not here to be accused of the crime of writing a novel with a -purpose (which I understand is considered in literary circles to be -the unpardonable sin), I may hope that some struggling tradesmen may -find comfort and even amusement in these pages. That the Philistines, -whom superior Matthew Arnold hated, but whom I believe to be the very -salt of the earth, the dwellers in suburbia and its mean streets, may -perchance recognise one of their own kindred, who is not looking down -upon them from any sublime literary height, but who is one of them -and entirely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> unashamed of the fact; these are my consolations and -encouragements as I finish these pages.</p> - -<p>And thus with all my heart and soul I wish to every man and woman who -have sunk their precious little capital in some suburban shop, and are -to-night, oh, so anxiously, looking for the customers to drop in who -may make their venture a success, a bumper house. May you all feel that -your efforts have not been in vain. When you look up at the prettily -decorated window, every muscle of you aching with the strain you have -put upon it during the last few days, may you feel not only a glow of -satisfaction at the appearance of your handiwork, but may your souls -be gladdened by seeing crowds of easily pleased customers with bulging -purses streaming through your gaping doors.</p> - -<p class="center space-above">THE END</p> - -<pre style='margin-top:6em'> -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF A TRADESMAN *** - -This file should be named 63556-h.htm or 63556-h.zip - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/5/5/63556/ - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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