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diff --git a/6325.txt b/6325.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c388ca --- /dev/null +++ b/6325.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12886 @@ +Project Gutenberg's A Fool and His Money, by George Barr McCutcheon + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: A Fool and His Money + +Author: George Barr McCutcheon + +Posting Date: April 12, 2013 [EBook #6325] +Release Date: August, 2004 +First Posted: November 26, 2002 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FOOL AND HIS MONEY *** + + + + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + + + + + + + + + +A FOOL AND HIS MONEY + +BY + +GEORGE BARR McCUTCHEON + + + + +CONTENTS + +CHAPTER + +I. I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF + +II. I DEFEND MY PROPERTY + +III. I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY + +IV. I BECOME AN ANCESTOR + +V. I MEET THE FOE AND FALL + +VI. I DISCUSS MATRIMONY + +VII. I RECEIVE VISITORS + +VIII. I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY + +IX. I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER + +X. I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY + +XI. I AM INVITED TO LEND MONEY + +XII. I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE + +XIII. I VISIT AND AM VISITED + +XIV. I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO + +XV. I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT + +XVI. I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE + +XVII. I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS + +XVIII. I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST + +XIX. I BURN A FEW BRIDGES + +XX. I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS + +XXI. SHE PROPOSES + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS + +In the aperture stood my amazing neighbour ... Frontispiece + +I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white figure of a woman +who stood in the topmost balcony. + +I sat bolt upright and yelled: "Get out!" + +We faced each other across the bowl of roses + +Up to that moment I had wondered whether I could do it with my left hand + + + + +CHAPTER I + +I MAKE NO EFFORT TO DEFEND MYSELF + +I am quite sure it was my Uncle Rilas who said that I was a fool. If +memory serves me well he relieved himself of that conviction in the +presence of my mother--whose brother he was--at a time when I was +least competent to acknowledge _his_ wisdom and most arrogant in +asserting my own. I was a freshman in college: a fact--or condition, +perhaps,--which should serve as an excuse for both of us. I possessed +another uncle, incidentally, and while I am now convinced that he must +have felt as Uncle Rilas did about it, he was one of those who suffer +in silence. The nearest he ever got to openly resenting me as a freshman +was when he admitted, as if it were a crime, that he too had been in +college and knew less when he came out than when he entered. Which was +a mild way of putting it, I am sure, considering the fact that he +remained there for twenty-three years as a distinguished member of the +faculty. + +I assume, therefore, that it was Uncle Rilas who orally convicted me, +an assumption justified to some extent by putting two and two together +after the poor old gentleman was laid away for his long sleep. He had +been very emphatic in his belief that a fool and his money are soon +parted. Up to the time of his death I had been in no way qualified to +dispute this ancient theory. In theory, no doubt, I was the kind of +fool he referred to, but in practice I was quite an untried novice. +It is very hard for even a fool to part with something he hasn't got. +True, I parted with the little I had at college with noteworthy +promptness about the middle of each term, but that could hardly have +been called a fair test for the adage. Not until Uncle Rilas died and +left me all of his money was I able to demonstrate that only dead men +and fools part with it. The distinction lies in the capacity for +enjoyment while the sensation lasts. Dead men part with it because +they have to, fools because they want to. + +In any event, Uncle Rilas did not leave me his money until my freshman +days were far behind me, wherein lies the solace that he may have +outgrown an opinion while I was going through the same process. At +twenty-three I confessed that _all_ freshmen were insufferable, +and immediately afterward took my degree and went out into the world +to convince it that seniors are by no means adolescent. Having +successfully passed the age of reason, I too felt myself admirably +qualified to look with scorn upon all creatures employed in the business +of getting an education. There were times when I wondered how on earth +I could have stooped so low as to be a freshman. I still have the +disquieting fear that my uncle did not modify his opinion of me until +I was thoroughly over being a senior. You will note that I do not say +he changed his opinion. Modify is the word. + +His original estimate of me, as a freshman, of course,--was uttered +when I, at the age of eighteen, picked out my walk in life, so to +speak. After considering everything, I decided to be a literary man. +A novelist or a playwright, I hadn't much of a choice between the two, +or perhaps a journalist. Being a journalist, of course, was preliminary; +a sort of makeshift. At any rate, I was going to be a writer. My Uncle +Rilas, a hard-headed customer who had read Scott as a boy and the Wall +Street news as a man,--without being misled by either,--was scornful. +He said that I would outgrow it, there was some consolation in that. +He even admitted that when he was seventeen he wanted to be an actor. +There you are, said he! I declared there was a great difference between +being an actor and being a writer. Only handsome men can be actors, +while I--well, by nature I was doomed to be nothing more engaging than +a novelist, who doesn't have to spoil an illusion by showing himself +in public. + +Besides, I argued, novelists make a great deal of money, and playwrights +too, for that matter. He said in reply that an ordinarily vigorous +washerwoman could make more money than the average novelist, and she +always had a stocking without a hole to keep it in, which was more to +the point. + +Now that I come to think of it, it _was_ Uncle Rilas who oracularly +prejudged me, and not Uncle John, who was by way of being a sort of +literary chap himself and therefore lamentably unqualified to guide +me in any course whatsoever, especially as he had all he could do to +keep his own wolf at bay without encouraging mine, and who, besides +teaching good English, loved it wisely and too well. I think Uncle +Rilas would have held Uncle John up to me as an example,--a scarecrow, +you might say,--if it hadn't been for the fact that he loved him in +spite of his English. He must have loved me in spite of mine. + +My mother felt in her heart that I ought to be a doctor or a preacher, +but she wasn't mean: she was positive I could succeed as a writer if +I set my mind to it. She was also sure that I could be President of +the United States or perhaps even a Bishop. We were Episcopalian. + +When I was twenty-seven my first short story appeared in a magazine +of considerable weight, due to its advertising pages, but my Uncle +Rilas didn't read it until I had convinced him that the honorarium +amounted to three hundred dollars. Even then I was obliged to promise +him a glimpse of the check when I got it. Somewhat belated, it came +in the course of three or four months with a rather tart letter in +which I was given to understand that it wasn't quite the thing to +pester a great publishing house with queries of the kind I had been +so persistent in propounding. But at last Uncle Rilas saw the check +and was properly impressed. He took back what he said about the +washerwoman, but gave me a little further advice concerning the +stocking. + +In course of time my first novel appeared. It was a love story. Uncle +Rilas read the first five chapters and then skipped over to the last +page. Then he began it all over again and sat up nearly all night to +finish it. The next day he called it "trash" but invited me to have +luncheon with him at the Metropolitan Club, and rather noisily +introduced me to a few old cronies of his, who were not sufficiently +interested in me to enquire what my name was--a trifling detail he had +overlooked in presenting me as his nephew--but who _did_ ask me to have +a drink. + +A month later, he died. He left me a fortune, which was all the more +staggering in view of the circumstance that had seen me named for my +Uncle John and not for him. + +It was not long afterward that I made a perfect fool of myself by +falling in love. It turned out very badly. I can't imagine what got +into me to want to commit bigamy after I had already proclaimed myself +to be irrevocably wedded to my profession. Nevertheless, I deliberately +coveted the experience, and would have attained to it no doubt had it +not been for the young woman in the case. She would have none of me, +but with considerable independence of spirit and, I must say, noteworthy +acumen, elected to wed a splendid looking young fellow who clerked in +a jeweller's shop in Fifth Avenue. They had been engaged for several +years, it seems, and my swollen fortune failed to disturb her sense +of fidelity. Perhaps you will be interested enough in a girl who could +refuse to share a fortune of something like three hundred thousand +dollars--(not counting me, of course)--to let me tell you briefly who +and what she was. She was my typist. That is to say, she did piece-work +for me as I happened to provide substance for her active fingers to +work upon when she wasn't typing law briefs in the regular sort of +grind. Not only was she an able typist, but she was an exceedingly +wholesome, handsome and worthy young woman. I think I came to like her +with genuine resolution when I discovered that she could spell correctly +and had the additional knack of uniting my stray infinitives with +stubborn purposefulness, as well as the ability to administer my grammar +with tact and discretion. + +Unfortunately she loved the jeweller's clerk. She tried to convince +me, with a sweetness I shall never forget, that she was infinitely +better suited to be a jeweller's wife than to be a weight upon the +neck of a genius. Moreover, when I foolishly mentioned my snug fortune +as an extra inducement, she put me smartly in my place by remarking +that fortunes like wine are made in a day while really excellent +jeweller's clerks are something like thirty years in the making. Which, +I take it, was as much as to say that there is always room for +improvement in a man. I confess I was somewhat disturbed by one of her +gentlest remarks. She seemed to be repeating my Uncle Rilas, although +I am quite sure she had never heard of him. She argued that the fortune +might take wings and fly away, and then what would be to pay! Of course, +it was perfectly clear to me, stupid as I must have been, that she +preferred the jeweller's clerk to a fortune. + +I was loth to lose her as a typist. The exact point where I appear to +have made a fool of myself was when I first took it into my head that +I could make something else of her. I not only lost a competent typist, +but I lost a great deal of sleep, and had to go abroad for awhile, as +men do when they find out unpleasant things about themselves in just +that way. + +I gave her as a wedding present a very costly and magnificent +dining-room set, fondly hoping that the jeweller's clerk would +experience a great deal of trouble in living up to it. At first I had +thought of a Marie Antoinette bedroom set, but gave it up when I +contemplated the cost. + +If you will pardon me, I shall not go any further into this lamentable +love affair. I submit, in extenuation, that people do not care to be +regaled with the heartaches of past affairs; they are only interested +in those which appear to be in the process of active development or +retrogression. Suffice to say, I was terribly cut up over the way my +first serious affair of the heart turned out, and tried my best to +hate myself for letting it worry me. Somehow I was able to attribute +the fiasco to an inborn sense of shyness that has always made me +faint-hearted, dilatory and unaggressive. No doubt if I had gone about +it roughshod and fiery I could have played hob with the excellent +jeweller's peace of mind, to say the least, but alas! I succeeded only +in approaching at a time when there was nothing left for me to do but +to start him off in life with a mild handicap in the shape of a +dining-room set that would not go with anything else he had in the +apartment. + +Still, some men, no matter how shy and procrastinating they may be--or +reluctant, for that matter--are doomed to have love affairs thrust +upon them, as you will perceive if you follow the course of this +narrative to the bitter end. + +In order that you may know me when you see me struggling through these +pages, as one might struggle through a morass on a dark night, I shall +take the liberty of describing myself in the best light possible under +the circumstances. + +I am a tallish sort of person, moderately homely, and not quite +thirty-five. I am strong but not athletic. Whatever physical development +I possess was acquired through the ancient and honourable game of golf +and in swimming. In both of these sports I am quite proficient. My +nose is rather long and inquisitive, and my chin is considered to be +singularly firm for one who has no ambition to become a hero. My thatch +is abundant and quite black. I understand that my eyes are green when +I affect a green tie, light blue when I put on one of that delicate +hue, and curiously yellow when I wear brown about my neck. Not that +I really need them, but I wear nose glasses when reading: to save my +eyes, of course. I sometimes wear them in public, with a very fetching +and imposing black band draping across my expanse of shirt front. I +find this to be most effective when sitting in a box at the theatre. +My tailor is a good one. I shave myself clean with an old-fashioned +razor and find it to be quite safe and tractable. My habits are +considered rather good, and I sang bass in the glee club. So there you +are. Not quite what yon would call a lady killer, or even a lady's +man, I fancy you'll say. + +You will be surprised to learn, however, that secretly I am of a rather +romantic, imaginative turn of mind. Since earliest childhood I have +consorted with princesses and ladies of high degree,--mentally, of +course,--and my bosom companions have been knights of valour and +longevity. Nothing could have suited me better than to have been born +in a feudal castle a few centuries ago, from which I should have sallied +forth in full armour on the slightest provocation and returned in glory +when there was no one left in the neighbourhood to provoke me. + +Even now, as I make this astounding statement, I can't help thinking +of that confounded jeweller's clerk. At thirty-five I am still +unattached and, so far as I can tell, unloved. What more could a +sensible, experienced bachelor expect than that? Unless, of course, +he aspired to be a monk or a hermit, in which case he reasonably could +be sure of himself if not of others. + +Last winter in London my mother went to a good bit of trouble to set +my cap for a lady who seemed in every way qualified to look after an +only son as he should be looked after from a mother's point of view, +and I declare to you I had a wretchedly close call of it. My poor +mother, thinking it was quite settled, sailed for America, leaving me +entirely unprotected, whereupon I succeeded in making my escape. Heaven +knows I had no desperate longing to visit Palestine at that particular +time, but I journeyed thither without a qualm of regret, and thereby +avoided the surrender without love or honour. + +For the past year I have done little or no work. My books are few and +far between, so few in fact that more than once I have felt the sting +of dilettantism inflicting my labours with more or less increasing +sharpness. It is not for me to say that I despise a fortune, but I am +constrained to remark that I believe poverty would have been a fairer +friend to me. At any rate I now pamper myself to an unreasonable extent. +For one thing, I feel that I cannot work,--much less think,--when +opposed by distracting conditions such as women, tea, disputes over +luggage, and things of that sort. They subdue all the romantic +tendencies I am so parsimonious about wasting. My best work is done +when the madding crowd is far from me. Hence I seek out remote, obscure +places when I feel the plot boiling, and grind away for dear life with +nothing to distract me save an unconquerable habit acquired very early +in life which urges me to eat three meals a day and to sleep nine hours +out of twenty-four. + +A month ago, in Vienna, I felt the plot breaking out on me, very much +as the measles do, at a most inopportune time for everybody concerned, +and my secretary, more wide-awake than you'd imagine by looking at +him, urged me to coddle the muse while she was willing and not to put +her off till an evil day, as frequently I am in the habit of doing. + +It was especially annoying, coming as it did, just as I was about to +set off for a fortnight's motor-boat trip up the Danube with Elsie +Hazzard and her stupid husband, the doctor. I compromised with myself +by deciding to give them a week of my dreamy company, and then dash +off to England where I could work off the story in a sequestered village +I had had in mind for some time past. + +The fourth day of our delectable excursion brought us to an ancient +town whose name you would recall in an instant if I were fool enough +to mention it, and where we were to put up for the night. On the crest +of a stupendous crag overhanging the river, almost opposite the town, +which isn't far from Krems, stood the venerable but unvenerated castle +of that highhanded old robber baron, the first of the Rothhoefens. He +has been in his sarcophagus these six centuries, I am advised, but you +wouldn't think so to look at the stronghold. At a glance you can almost +convince yourself that he is still there, with battle-axe and +broad-sword, and an inflamed eye at every window in the grim facade. + +We picked up a little of its history while in the town, and the next +morning crossed over to visit the place. Its antiquity was considerably +enhanced by the presence of a caretaker who would never see eighty +again, and whose wife was even older. Their two sons lived with them +in the capacity of loafers and, as things go in these rapid times of +ours, appeared to be even older and more sere than their parents. + +It is a winding and tortuous road that leads up to the portals of this +huge old pile, and I couldn't help thinking how stupid I have always +been in execrating the spirit of progress that conceives the funicular +and rack-and-pinion railroads which serve to commercialise grandeur +instead of protecting it. Half way up the hill, we paused to rest, and +I quite clearly remember growling that if the confounded thing belonged +to me I'd build a funicular or install an elevator without delay. Poor +Elsie was too fatigued to say what she ought to have said to me for +suggesting and even insisting on the visit. + +The next day, instead of continuing our delightful trip down the river, +we three were scurrying to Saalsburg, urged by a sudden and stupendous +whim on my part, and filled with a new interest in life. + +I had made up my mind to buy the castle! + +The Hazzards sat up with me nearly the whole of the night, trying to +talk me out of the mad design, but all to no purpose. I was determined +to be the sort of fool that Uncle Rilas referred to when he so +frequently quoted the old adage. My only argument in reply to their +entreaties was that I had to have a quiet, inspirational place in which +to work and besides I was quite sure we could beat the impoverished +owner down considerably in the price, whatever it might turn out to +be. While the ancient caretaker admitted that it was for sale, he +couldn't give me the faintest notion what it was expected to bring, +except that it ought to bring more from an American than from any one +else, and that he would be proud and happy to remain in my service, +he and his wife and his prodigiously capable sons, either of whom if +put to the test could break all the bones in a bullock without half +trying, Moreover, for such strong men, they ate very little and seldom +slept, they were so eager to slave in the interests of the master. We +all agreed that they looked strong enough, but as they were sleeping +with some intensity all the time we were there, and making dreadful +noises in the courtyard, we could only infer that they were making up +for at least a week of insomnia. + +I had no difficulty whatever in striking a bargain with the abandoned +wretch who owned the Schloss. He seemed very eager to submit to my +demand that he knock off a thousand pounds sterling, and we hunted up +a notary and all the other officials necessary to the transfer of +property. At the end of three days, I was the sole owner and proprietor +of a feudal stronghold on the Danube, and the joyous Austrian was a +little farther on his way to the dogs, a journey he had been negotiating +with great ardour ever since coming into possession of an estate once +valued at several millions. I am quite sure I have never seen a +spendthrift with more energy than this fellow seems to have displayed +in going through with his patrimony. He was on his uppers, so to speak, +when I came to his rescue, solely because he couldn't find a purchaser +or a tenant for the castle, try as he would. Afterwards I heard that +he had offered the place to a syndicate of Jews for one-third the price +I paid, but luckily for me the Hebraic instinct was not so keen as +mine. They let a very good bargain get away from them. I have not told +my most intimate friends what I paid for the castle, but they are all +generous enough to admit that I could afford it, no matter what it +cost me. Their generosity stops there, however. I have never had so +many unkind things said to me in all my life as have been said about +this purely personal matter. + +Well, to make the story short, the Hazzards and I returned to Schloss +Rothhoefen in some haste, primarily for the purpose of inspecting it +from dungeon to battlement. I forgot to mention that, being very tired +after the climb up the steep, we got no further on our first visit +than the great baronial hall, the dining-room and certain other +impressive apartments customarily kept open for the inspection of +visitors. An interesting concession on the part of the late owner (the +gentleman hurrying to catch up with the dogs that had got a bit of a +start on him),--may here be mentioned. He included all of the contents +of the castle for the price paid, and the deed, or whatever you call +it, specifically set forth that I, John Bellamy Smart, was the sole +and undisputed owner of everything the castle held. This made the +bargain all the more desirable, for I have never seen a more beautiful +assortment of antique furniture and tapestry in Fourth Avenue than was +to be found in Schloss Rothhoefen. + +Our second and more critical survey of the lower floors of the castle +revealed rather urgent necessity for extensive repairs and refurbishing, +but I was not dismayed. With a blithesome disregard for expenses, I +despatched Rudolph, the elder of the two sons to Linz with instructions +to procure artisans who could be depended upon to undo the ravages of +time to a certain extent and who might even suggest a remedy for leaks. + +My friends, abhorring rheumatism and like complaints, refused to sleep +over night in the drafty, almost paneless structure. They came over +to see me on the ensuing day and begged me to return to Vienna with +them. But, full of the project in hand, I would not be moved. With the +house full of carpenters, blacksmiths, masons, locksmiths, tinsmiths, +plumbers, plasterers, glaziers, joiners, scrub-women and chimneysweeps, +I felt that I couldn't go away and leave it without a controlling +influence. + +They promised to come and make me a nice short visit, however, after +I'd got the castle primped up a bit: the mould off the walls of the +bedrooms and the great fireplaces thoroughly cleared of obstructive +swallows' nests, the beds aired and the larder stocked. Just as they +were leaving, my secretary and my valet put in an appearance, having +been summoned from Vienna the day before. I confess I was glad to see +them. The thought of spending a second night in that limitless +bed-chamber, with all manner of night-birds trying to get in at the +windows, was rather disturbing, and I welcomed my retainers with open +arms. + +My first night had been spent in a huge old bed, carefully prepared +for occupancy by Herr Schmick's frau; and the hours, which never were +so dark, in trying to fathom the infinite space that reached above me +to the vaulted ceiling. I knew there was a ceiling, for I had seen its +beams during the daylight hours, but to save my soul I couldn't imagine +anything so far away as it seemed to be after the candles had been +taken away by the caretaker's wife, who had tucked me away in the bed +with ample propriety and thoroughness combined. + +Twice during that interminable night I thought I heard a baby crying. +So it is not unreasonable to suppose that I was _more_ than glad +to see Poopendyke clambering up the path with his typewriter in one +hand and his green baise bag in the other, followed close behind by +Britton and the Gargantuan brothers bearing trunks, bags, boxes and +my golf clubs. + +"Whew!" said Poopendyke, dropping wearily upon my doorstep--which, by +the way, happens to be a rough hewn slab some ten feet square surmounted +by a portcullis that has every intention of falling down unexpectedly +one of these days and creating an earthquake. "Whew!" he repeated. + +My secretary is a youngish man with thin, stooping shoulders and a +habit of perpetually rubbing his knees together when he walks. I shudder +to think of what would happen to them if he undertook to run. I could +not resist a glance at them now. + +"It is something of a climb, isn't it?" said I beamingly. + +"In the name of heaven, Mr. Smart, what could have induced you to--" +He got no farther than this, and to my certain knowledge this unfinished +reproof was the nearest he ever came to openly convicting me of +asininity. + +"Make yourself at home, old fellow," said I in some haste. I felt sorry +for him. "We are going to be very cosy here." + +"Cosy?" murmured he, blinking as he looked up, not at me but at the +frowning walls that seemed to penetrate the sky. + +"I haven't explored those upper regions," I explained nervously, +divining his thoughts. "We shall do it together, in a day or two." + +"It looks as though it might fall down if we jostled it carelessly," +he remarked, having recovered his breath. + +"I am expecting masons at any minute," said I, contemplating the +unstable stone crest of the northeast turret with some uneasiness. My +face brightened suddenly. "That particular section of the castle is +uninhabitable, I am told. It really doesn't matter if it collapses. +Ah, Britton! Here you are, I see. Good morning." + +Britton, a very exacting servant, looked me over critically. + +"Your coat and trousers need pressing, sir," said he. "And where am +I to get the hot water for shaving, sir?" + +"Frau Schmick will supply anything you need, Britton," said I, happy +on being able to give the information. + +"It is not I as needs it, sir," said he, feeling of his smoothly shaven +chin. + +"Come in and have a look about the place," said I, with a magnificent +sweep of my arm to counteract the feeling of utter insignificance I +was experiencing at the moment. I could see that my faithful retinue +held me in secret but polite disdain. + +A day or two later the castle was swarming with workmen; the banging +of hammers, the rasp of saws, the spattering of mortar, the crashing +of stone and the fumes of charcoal crucibles extended to the remotest +recesses; the tower of Babel was being reconstructed in the language +of six or eight nations, and everybody was happy. I had no idea there +were so many tinsmiths in the world. Every artisan in the town across +the river seems to have felt it his duty to come over and help the men +from Linz in the enterprise. There were so many of them that they were +constantly getting in each other's way and quarrelling over matters +of jurisdiction with even more spirit than we might expect to encounter +among the labour unions at home. + +Poopendyke, in great distress of mind, notified me on the fourth day +of rehabilitation that the cost of labour as well as living had gone +up appreciably since our installation. In fact it had doubled. He paid +all of my bills, so I suppose he knew what he was talking about. + +"You will be surprised to know, Mr. Smart," he said, consulting his +sheets, "that scrub-women are getting more here than they do in New +York City, and I am convinced that there are more scrub-women. Today +we had thirty new ones scrubbing the loggia on the gun-room floor, and +they all seem to have apprentices working under them. The carpenters +and plasterers were not so numerous to-day. I paid them off last night, +you see. It may interest you to hear that their wages for three days +amounted to nearly seven hundred dollars in our money, to say nothing +of materials--and breakage." + +"Breakage?" I exclaimed in surprise. + +"Yes, sir, breakage. They break nearly as much as they mend. +We'll--we'll go bankrupt, sir, if we're not careful." + +I liked his pronoun. "Never mind," I said, "we'll soon be rid of them." + +"They've got it in their heads, sir, that it will take at least a year +to finish the--" + +"You tell the foremen that if this job isn't finished to our +satisfaction by the end of the month, I'll fire all of them," said I, +wrathfully. + +"That's less than three weeks off, Mr. Smart. They don't seem to be +making much headway." + +"Well, you _tell_ 'em, just the same." And that is how I dismissed it. +"Tell 'em _we've_ got to go to work ourselves." + +"By the way, old man Schmick and his family haven't been paid for +nearly two years. They have put in a claim. The late owner assured +them they'd get their money from the next--" + +"Discharge them at once," said I. + +"We can't get on without them," protested he. "They know the ropes, +so to speak, and, what's more to the point, they know all the keys. +Yesterday I was nearly two hours in getting to the kitchen for a +conference with Mrs. Schmick about the market-men. In the first place, +I couldn't find the way, and in the second place all the doors are +locked." + +"Please send Herr Schmick to me in the--in the--" I couldn't recall +the name of the administration chamber at the head of the grand +staircase, so I was compelled to say: "I'll see him here." + +"If we lose them we also are lost," was his sententious declaration. +I believed him. + +On the fifth day of our occupancy, Britton reported to me that he had +devised a plan by which we could utilise the tremendous horse-power +represented by the muscles of those lazy giants, Rudolph and Max. He +suggested that we rig up a huge windlass at the top of the incline, +with stout steel cables attached to a small car which could be hauled +up the cliff by a hitherto wasted human energy, and as readily lowered. +It sounded feasible and I instructed him to have the extraordinary +railway built, but to be sure that the safety device clutches in the +cog wheels were sound and trusty. It would prove to be an infinitely +more graceful mode of ascending the peak than riding up on the donkeys +I had been persuaded to buy, especially for Poopendyke and me, whose +legs were so long that when we sat in the saddles our knees either +touched our chins or were spread out so far that we resembled the +Prussian coat-of-arms. + +[Illustration: I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white +figure of a woman who stood in the topmost balcony] + +That evening, after the workmen had filed down the steep looking for +all the world like an evacuating army, I sought a few moments of peace +and quiet in the small balcony outside my bedroom windows. My room was +in the western wing of the castle, facing the river. The eastern wing +mounted even higher than the one in which we were living, and was +topped by the loftiest watch tower of them all. We had not attempted +to do any work over in that section as yet, for the simple reason that +Herr Schmick couldn't find the keys to the doors. + +The sun was disappearing beyond the highlands and a cool, soft breeze +swept up through the valley. I leaned back in a comfortable chair that +Britton had selected for me, and puffed at my pipe, not quite sure +that my serenity was real or assumed. This was all costing me a pretty +penny. Was I, after all, parting with my money in the way prescribed +for fools? Was all this splendid antiquity worth the-- + +My reflections terminated sharply at that critical instant and I don't +believe I ever felt called upon after that to complete the inquiry. + +I found myself staring as if stupefied at the white figure of a woman +who stood in the topmost balcony of the eastern wing, fully revealed +by the last glow of the sun and apparently as deep in dreams as I had +been the instant before. + + + +CHAPTER II + +I DEFEND MY PROPERTY + +For ten minutes I stood there staring up at her, completely bewildered +and not a little shaken. My first thought had been of ghosts, but it +was almost instantly dispelled by a significant action on the part of +the suspected wraith. She turned to whistle over her shoulder, and to +snap her fingers peremptorily, and then she stooped and picked up a +rather lusty chow dog which promptly barked at me across the intervening +space, having discovered me almost at once although I was many rods +away and quite snugly ensconced among the shadows. The lady in white +muzzled him with her hand and I could almost imagine I heard her +reproving whispers. After a few minutes, she apparently forgot the dog +and lifted her hand to adjust something in her hair. He again barked +at me, quite ferociously for a chow. This time it was quite plain to +her that he was not barking at the now shadowy moon. She peered over +the stone balustrade and an instant later disappeared from view through +the high, narrow window. + +Vastly exercised, I set out in quest of Herr Schmick, martialing +Poopendyke as I went along, realising that I would have to depend on +his German, which was less halting than mine and therefore, more likely +to dovetail with that of the Schmicks, neither of whom spoke German +because they loved it but because they had to,--being Austrians. We +found the four Schmicks in the vast kitchen, watching Britton while +he pressed my trousers on an oak table so large that the castle must +have been built around it. + +Herr Schmick was weighted down with the keys of the castle, which never +left his possession day or night. + +"Herr Schmick," said I, "will you be so good as to inform me who the +dickens that woman is over in the east wing of the castle?" + +"Woman, mein herr?" He almost dropped his keys. His big sons said +something to each other that I couldn't quite catch, but it sounded +very much like "der duyvil." + +"A woman in a white dress,--with a dog." + +"A dog?" he cried. "But, mein herr, dogs are not permitted to be in +the castle." + +"Who is she? How did she get there?" + +"Heaven defend us, sir! It must have been the ghost of--" + +"Ghost, your granny!" I cried, relapsing into English. "Please don't +beat about the bush, Mr. Schmick. She's over there in the unused wing, +which I haven't been allowed to penetrate in spite of the fact that +it belongs to me. You say you can't find the keys to that side of the +castle. Will you explain how it is that it is open to strange women +and--and dogs?" + +"You must be mistaken, mein herr," he whined abjectly. "She cannot be +there. She--Ah, I have it! It may have been my wife. Gretel! Have you +been in the east--" + +"Nonsense!" I cried sharply. "This won't do, Mr. Schmick. Give me that +bunch of keys. We'll investigate. I can't have strange women +gallivanting about the place as if they owned it. This is no trysting +place for Juliets, Herr Schmick. We'll get to the bottom of this at +once. Here, you Rudolph, fetch a couple of lanterns. Max, get a sledge +or two from the forge. There _is_ a forge. I saw it yesterday out there +back of the stables. So don't try to tell me there isn't one. If we +can't unlock the doors, we'll smash 'em in. They're mine, and I'll knock +'em to smithereens if I feel like it." + +The four Schmicks wrung their hands and shook their heads and, then, +repairing to the scullery, growled and grumbled for fully ten minutes +before deciding to obey my commands. In the meantime, I related my +experience to Poopendyke and Britton. + +"That reminds me, sir," said Britton, "that I found a rag-doll in the +courtyard yesterday, on that side of the building, sir--I should say +castle, sir." + +"I am quite sure I heard a baby crying the second night we were here, +Mr. Smart," said my secretary nervously. + +"And there was smoke coming from one of the back chimney pots this +morning," added Britton. + +I was thoughtful for a moment. "What became of the rag-doll, Britton?" +I enquired shrewdly. + +"I turned it over to old Schmick, sir," said he. He grinned. "I thought +as maybe it belonged to one of his boys." + +On the aged caretaker's reappearance, I bluntly inquired what had +become of the doll-baby. He was terribly confused. + +"I know nothing, I know nothing," he mumbled, and I could see that he +was miserably upset. His sons towered and glowered and his wife wrapped +and unwrapped her hands in her apron, all the time supplicating heaven +to be good to the true and the faithful. + +From what I could gather, they all seemed to be more disturbed over +the fact that my hallucination included a dog than by the claim that +I had seen a woman. + +"But, confound you, Schmick," I cried in some heat, "it barked at me." + +"Gott in himmel!" they all cried, and, to my surprise, the old woman +burst into tears. + +"It is bad to dream of a dog," she wailed. "It means evil to all of +us. Evil to--" + +"Come!" said I, grabbing the keys from the old man's unresisting hand. +"And, Schmick, if that dog bites me, I'll hold you personally +responsible. Do you understand?" + +Two abreast we filed through the long, vaulted halls, Rudolph carrying +a gigantic lantern and Max a sledge. We traversed extensive corridors, +mounted tortuous stairs and came at length to the sturdy oak door that +separated the east wing from the west: a huge, formidable thing +strengthened by many cross-pieces and studded with rusty bolt-heads. +Padlocks as large as horse-shoes, corroded by rust and rendered +absolutely impracticable by age, confronted us. + +"I have not the keys," said old Conrad Schmick sourly. "This door has +not been opened in my time. It is no use." + +"It is no use," repeated his grizzly sons, leaning against the mouldy +walls with weary tolerance. + +"Then how did the woman and her dog get into that part of the castle?" +I demanded. "Tell me that!" + +They shook their heads, almost compassionately, as much as to say, "It +is always best to humour a mad man." + +"And the baby," added Poopendyke, turning up his coat collar to protect +his thin neck from the draft that smote us from the halls. + +"Smash those padlocks, Max," I commanded resolutely. + +Max looked stupidly at his father and the old man looked at his wife, +and then all four of them looked at me, almost imploringly. + +"Why destroy a perfectly good padlock, mein herr?" began Max, twirling +the sledge in his hand as if it were a bamboo cane. + +"Hi! Look out there!" gasped Britton, in some alarm. "Don't let that +thing slip!" + +"Doesn't this castle belong to me?" I demanded, considerably impressed +by the ease with which he swung the sledge. A very dangerous person, +I began to perceive. + +"It does, mein herr," shouted all of them gladly, and touched their +forelocks. + +"Everything is yours," added old Conrad, with a comprehensive sweep +of his hand that might have put the whole universe in my name. + +"Smash that padlock, Max," I said after a second's hesitation. + +"I'll bet he can't do it," said Britton, ingeniously. + +Very reluctantly Max bared his great arms, spit upon his hands, and, +with a pitiful look at his parents, prepared to deal the first blow +upon the ancient padlock. The old couple turned their heads away, and +put their fingers to their ears, cringing like things about to be +whipped. + +"Now, one--two--three!" cried I, affecting an enthusiasm I didn't feel. + +The sledge fell upon the padlock and rebounded with almost equal force. +The sound of the crash must have disturbed every bird and bat in the +towers of the grim old pile. But the padlock merely shed a few scabs +of rust and rattled back into its customary repose. + +"See!" cried Max, triumphantly. "It cannot be broken." Rudolph, his +broad face beaming, held the lantern close to the padlock and showed +me that it hadn't been dented by the blow. + +"It is a very fine lock," cried old Conrad, with a note of pride in +his voice. + +I began to feel some pride in the thing myself. "It is, indeed," I +said. "Try once more, Max." + +It seemed to me that he struck with a great deal more confidence than +before, and again they all uttered ejaculations of pleasure. I caught +Dame Schmick in the act of thanking God with her fingers. + +"See here," I exclaimed, facing them angrily, "what does all this mean? +You are deceiving me, all of you. Now, let's have the truth--every +word of it--or out you go to-morrow, the whole lot of you. I insist +on knowing who that woman is, why she is here in my hou--my castle, +and--everything, do you understand?" + +Apparently they didn't understand, for they looked at me with all the +stupidity they could command. + +"You try, Mr. Poopendyke," I said, giving it up in despair. He sought +to improve on my German, but I think he made it worse. They positively +refused to be intelligent. + +"Give me the hammer," I said at last in desperation. Max surrendered +the clumsy, old-fashioned instrument with a grin and I motioned for +them all to stand back. Three successive blows with all the might I +had in my body failed to shatter the lock, whereupon my choler rose +to heights hitherto unknown, I being a very mild-mannered, placid +person and averse to anything savouring of the tempestuous. I delivered +a savage and resounding thwack upon the broad oak panel of the door, +regardless of the destructiveness that might attend the effort. If any +one had told me that I couldn't splinter an oak board with a +sledge-hammer at a single blow I should have laughed in his face. But +as it turned out in this case I not only failed to split the panel but +broke off the sledge handle near the head, putting it wholly out of +commission for the time being as well as stinging my hands so severely +that I doubled up with pain and shouted words that Dame Schmick could +not put into her prayers. + +The Schmicks fairly glowed with joy! Afterwards Max informed me that +the door was nearly six inches thick and often had withstood the +assaults of huge battering rams, back in the dim past when occasion +induced the primal baron to seek safety in the east wing, which, after +all, appears to have been the real, simon pure fortress. The west wing +was merely a setting for festal amenities and was by no means feudal +in its aspect or appeal. Here, as I came to know, the old barons +received their friends and feasted them and made merry with the flagon +and the horn of plenty; here the humble tithe payer came to settle his +dues with gold and silver instead of with blood; here the little barons +and baronesses romped and rioted with childish glee; and here the +barons grew fat and gross and soggy with laziness and prosperity, and +here they died in stupid quiescence. On the other side of that grim, +staunch old door they simply went to the other extreme in every +particular. There they killed their captives, butchered their enemies, +and sometimes died with the daggers of traitors in their shivering +backs. + +As we trudged back to the lower halls, defeated but none the less +impressed by our failure to devastate our stronghold, I was struck by +the awful barrenness of the surroundings. There suddenly came over me +the shocking realisation: the "contents" of the castle, as set forth +rather vaguely in the bill of sale, were not what I had been led to +consider them. It had not occurred to me at the time of the transaction +to insist upon an inventory, and I had been too busy since the beginning +of my tenancy to take more than a passing account of my belongings. +In excusing myself for this rather careless oversight, I can only say +that during daylight hours the castle was so completely stuffed with +workmen and their queer utensils that I couldn't do much in the way +of elimination, and by night it was so horribly black and lonesome +about the place and the halls were so littered with tools and mops and +timber that it was extremely hazardous to go prowling about, so I +preferred to remain in my own quarters, which were quite comfortable +and cosy in spite of the distance between points of convenience. + +Still I was vaguely certain that many articles I had seen about the +halls on my first and second visits were no longer in evidence. Two +or three antique rugs, for instance, were missing from the main hall, +and there was a lamentable suggestion of emptiness at the lower end +where we had stacked a quantity of rare old furniture in order to make +room for the workmen. + +"Herr Schmick," said I, abruptly halting my party in the centre of the +hall, "what has become of the rugs that were here last week, and where +is that pile of furniture we had back yonder?" + +Rudolph allowed the lantern to swing behind his huge legs, intentionally +I believe, and I was compelled to relieve him of it in order that we +might extract ourselves from his shadow. I have never seen such a +colossal shadow as the one he cast. + +Old Conrad was not slow in answering. + +"The gentlemen called day before yesterday, mein herr, and took much +away. They will return to-morrow for the remainder." + +"Gentlemen?" I gasped. "Remainder?" + +"The gentlemen to whom the Herr Count sold the rugs and chairs and +chests and--" + +"What!" I roared. Even Poopendyke jumped at this sudden exhibition of +wrath. "Do you mean to tell me that these things have been sold and +carried away without my knowledge or consent? I'll have the law--" + +Herr Poopendyke intervened. "They had bills of sale and orders for +removal of property dated several weeks prior to your purchase, Mr. +Smart. We had to let the articles go. You surely remember my speaking +to you about it." + +"I don't remember anything," I snapped, which was the truth. "Why--why, +I bought everything that the castle contained. This is robbery! What +the dickens do you mean by--" + +Old Conrad held up his hands as if expecting to pacify me. I sputtered +out the rest of the sentence, which really amounted to nothing. + +"The Count has been selling off the lovely old pieces for the past six +months, sir. Ach, what a sin! They have come here day after day, these +furniture buyers, to take away the most priceless of our treasures, +to sell them to the poor rich at twenty prices. I could weep over the +sacrifices. I have wept, haven't I, Gretel? Eh, Rudolph? Buckets of +tears have I shed, mein herr. Oceans of them. Time after time have I +implored him to deny these rascally curio hunters, these +blood-sucking--" + +"But listen to me," I broke in. "Do you mean to say that articles have +been taken away from the castle since I came into possession?" + +"Many of them, sir. Always with proper credentials, believe me. Ach, +what a spendthrift he is! And his poor wife! Ach, Gott, how she must +suffer. Nearly all of the grand paintings, the tapestries that came +from France and Italy hundreds of years ago, the wonderful old bedsteads +and tables that were here when the castle was new--all gone! And for +mere songs, mein herr,--the cheapest of songs! I--I--" + +"Please don't weep now, Herr Schmick," I made haste to exclaim, seeing +lachrymose symptoms in his blear old eyes. Then I became firm once +more. This knavery must cease, or I'd know the reason why. "The next +man who comes here to cart away so much as a single piece is to be +kicked out. Do you understand? These things belong to me. Kick him +into the river. Or, better still, notify me and I'll do it. Why, if +this goes on we'll soon be deprived of anything to sit on or sleep in +or eat from! Lock the doors, Conrad, and don't admit any one without +first consulting me. By Jove, I'd like to wring that rascal's neck. +A Count! Umph!" + +"Ach, he is of the noblest family in all the land," sighed old Gretel. +"His grandfather was a fine man." I contrived to subdue my rage and +disappointment and somewhat loudly returned to the topic from which +we were drifting. + +"As for those beastly padlocks, I shall have them filed off to-morrow. +I give you warning, Conrad, if the keys are not forthcoming before +noon to-morrow, I'll file 'em off, so help me." + +"They are yours to destroy, mein herr, God knows," said he dismally. +"It is a pity to destroy fine old padlocks--" + +"Well, you wait and see," said I, grimly. + +His face beamed once more. "Ach, I forgot to say that there are padlocks +on the _other_ side of the door, just as on this side. It will be of no +use to destroy these. The door still could not be forced. Mein Gott! How +thankful I am to have remembered it in time." + +"Confound you, Schmick, I believe you actually want to keep me out of +that part of the castle," I exploded. + +The four of them protested manfully, even Gretel. + +"I have a plan, sir," said Britton. "Why not place a tall ladder in +the courtyard and crawl in through one of the windows?" + +"Splendid! That's what we'll do!" I cried enthusiastically. "And now +let's go to bed! We will breakfast at eight, Mrs. Schmick. The early +bird catches the worm, you know." + +"Will you see the American ladies and gentlemen who are coming to-morrow +to pick out the--" + +"Yes, I'll see them," said I, compressing my lips. "Don't let me +over-sleep, Britton." + +"I shan't, sir," said he. + +Sleep evaded me for hours. What with the possible proximity of an +undesirable feminine neighbour, mysterious and elusive though she may +prove to be, and the additional dread of dogs and babies, to say nothing +of the amazing delinquencies to be laid to the late owner of the place, +and the prospect of a visit from coarse and unfeeling bargain-hunters +on the morrow, it is really not surprising that I tossed about in my +baronial bed, counting sheep backwards and forwards over hedges and +fences until the vociferous cocks in the stable yard began to send up +their clarion howdy-dos to the sun. Strangely enough, with the first +peep of day through the decrepit window shutters I fell into a sound +sleep. Britton got nothing but grunts from me until half-past nine. +At that hour he came into my room and delivered news that aroused me +more effectually than all the alarm clocks or alarm cocks in the world +could have done. + +"Get up, sir, if you please," he repeated the third time. "The party +of Americans is below, sir, rummaging about the place. They have ordered +the workmen to stop work, sir, complaining of the beastly noise they +make, and the dust and all that, sir. They have already selected half +a dozen pieces and they have brought enough porters and carriers over +in the boats to take the stuff away in--" + +"Where is Poopendyke?" I cried, leaping out of bed. "I don't want to +be shaved, Britton, and don't bother about the tub." He had filled my +twentieth century portable tub, recently acquired, and was nervously +creating a lather in my shaving mug, + +"You look very rough, sir." + +"So much the better." + +"Mr. Poopendyke is in despair, sir. He has tried to explain that nothing +is for sale, but the gentlemen say they are onto his game. They go +right on yanking things about and putting their own prices on them and +reserving them. They are perfectly delighted, sir, to have found so +many old things they really want for their new houses." + +"I'll--I'll put a stop to all this," I grated, seeing red for an +instant. + +"And the ladies, sir! There are three of them, all from New York City, +and they keep on saying they are completely ravished, sir,--with joy, +I take it. Your great sideboard in the dining-room is to go to Mrs. +Riley-Werkheimer, and the hall-seat that the first Baron used to throw +his armour on when he came in from--" + +"Great snakes!" I roared. "They haven't moved it, have they? It will +fall to pieces!" + +"No, sir. They are piling sconces and candelabra and andirons on it, +regardless of what Mr. Poopendyke says. You'd better hurry, sir. Here +is your collar and necktie--" + +"I don't want 'em. Where the dickens are my trousers?" + +His face fell. "Being pressed, sir, God forgive me!" + +"Get out another pair, confound you, Britton. What are we coming to?" + +He began rummaging in the huge clothespress, all the while regaling +me with news from the regions below. + +"Mr. Poopendyke has gone up to his room, sir, with his typewriter. The +young lady insisted on having it. She squealed with joy at seeing an +antique typewriter and he--he had to run away with it, 'pon my soul +he did, sir." + +I couldn't help laughing. + +"And your golf clubs, Mr. Smart. The young gentleman of the party is +perfectly carried away with them. He says they're the real thing, the +genuine sixteenth century article. They _are_ a bit rusted, you'll +remember. I left him out in the courtyard trying your brassie and +mid-iron, sir, endeavouring to loft potatoes over the south wall. I +succeeded in hiding the balls, sir. Just as I started upstairs I heard +one of the new window panes in the banquet hall smash, sir, so I take +it he must have sliced his drive a bit." + +"Who let these people in?" I demanded in smothered tones from the +depths of a sweater I was getting into in order to gain time by omitting +a collar. + +"They came in with the plumbers, sir, at half-past eight. Old man +Schmick tried to keep them out, but they said they didn't understand +German and walked right by, leaving their donkeys in the roadway +outside." + +"Couldn't Rudolph and Max stop them?" I cried, as my head emerged. + +"They were still in bed, sir. I think they're at breakfast now." + +"Good lord!" I groaned, looking at my watch. "Nine-thirty! What sort +of a rest cure am I conducting here?" + +We hurried downstairs so fast that I lost one of my bedroom slippers. +It went clattering on ahead of us, making a shameful racket on the +bare stones, but Britton caught it up in time to save it from the +clutches of the curio-vandals. My workmen were lolling about the place, +smoking vile pipes and talking in guttural whispers. All operations +appeared to have ceased in my establishment at the command of the far +from idle rich. Two portly gentlemen in fedoras were standing in the +middle of the great hall, discussing the merits of a dingy old spinet +that had been carried out of the music room by two lusty porters from +the hotel. From somewhere in the direction of the room where the +porcelains and earthenware were stored came the shrill, excited voices +of women. The aged Schmicks were sitting side by side on a window +ledge, with the rigid reticence of wax figures. + +As I came up, I heard one of the strangers say to the other: + +"Well, if you don't want it, I'll take it. My wife says it can be made +into a writing desk with a little--" + +"I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said I confronting them. "Will you be +good enough to explain this intrusion?" + +They stared at me as if I were a servant asking for higher wages. The +speaker, a fat man with a bristly moustache and a red necktie, drew +himself up haughtily. + +"Who the devil are you?" he demanded, fixing me with a glare. + +I knew at once that he was the kind of an American I have come to hate +with a zest that knows no moderation; the kind that makes one ashamed +of the national melting pot. I glared back at him. + +"I happen to be the owner of this place, and you'll oblige me by +clearing out." + +"What's that? Here, here, none of that sort of talk, my friend. We're +here to look over your stuff, and we mean business, but you won't get +anywhere by talking like--" + +"There is nothing for sale here," I said shortly. "And you've got a +lot of nerve to come bolting into a private house--" + +"Say," said the second man, advancing with a most insulting scowl, +"we'll understand each other right off the reel, my friend. All you've +got to do is to answer us when we ask for prices. Now, bear that in +mind, and don't try any of your high-and-mighty tactics on us." + +"Just remember that you're a junk-dealer and we'll get along +splendidly," said the other, in a tone meant to crush me. "What do you +ask for this thing?" tapping the dusty spinet with his walking-stick. + +It suddenly occurred to me that the situation was humorous. + +"You will have to produce your references, gentlemen, before I can +discuss anything with you," I said, after swallowing very hard. (It +must have been my pride.) + +They stared. "Good Lord!" gasped the bristly one, blinking his eyes. +"Don't you know who this gentleman is? You--you appear to be an +American. You _must_ know Mr. Riley-Werkheimer of New York." + +"I regret to say that I have never heard of Mr. Riley-Werkheimer. I +did not know that Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer's husband was living. And may +I ask who _you_ are?" + +"Oh, I am also a nobody," said he, with a wink at his purple-jowled +companion. "I am only poor old Rocksworth, the president of the--" + +"Oh, don't say anything more, Mr. Rocksworth," I cried. "I have heard +of _you_. This fine old spinet? Well, it has been reduced in price. Ten +thousand dollars, Mr. Rocksworth." + +"Ten thousand nothing! I'll take it at seventy-five dollars. And now +let's talk about this here hall-seat. My wife thinks it's a fake. What +is its history, and what sort of guarantee can you--" + +"A fake!" I cried in dismay. "My dear Mr. Rocksworth, that is the very +hall-seat that Pontius Pilate sat in when waiting for an audience with +the first of the great Teutonic barons. The treaty between the Romans +and the Teutons was signed on that table over there,--the one you have +so judiciously selected, I perceive. Of course, you know that _this_ was +the Saxon seat of government. Charlemagne lived here with all his +court." + +They tried not to look impressed, but rather overdid it. + +"That's the sort of a story you fellows always put up, you skinflints +from Boston. I'll bet my head you _are_ from Boston," said Mr. +Rocksworth shrewdly. + +"I couldn't afford to have you lose your head, Mr. Rocksworth, so I +shan't take you on," said I merrily. + +"Don't get fresh now," said he stiffly. + +Mr. Riley-Werkheimer walked past me to take a closer look at the seat, +almost treading on my toes rather than to give an inch to me. + +"How can you prove that it's the genuine article?" he demanded curtly. + +"You have my word for it, sir," I said quietly. + +"Pish tush!" said he. + +Mr. Rocksworth turned in the direction of the banquet hall. + +"Carrie!" he shouted. "Come here a minute, will you?" + +"Don't shout like that, Orson," came back from the porcelain closet. +"You almost made me drop this thing." + +"Well, drop it, and come on. This is important." + +I wiped the moisture from my brow and respectfully put my clenched +fists into my pockets. + +A minute later, three females appeared on the scene, all of them dusting +their hands and curling their noses in disgust. + +"I never saw such a dirty place," said the foremost, a large lady who +couldn't, by any circumstance of fate, have been anybody's wife but +Rocksworth's. "It's filthy! What do you want?" + +"I've bought this thing here for seventy-five. You said I couldn't get +it for a nickle under a thousand. And say, this man tells me the hall +seat here belonged to Pontius Pilate in--" + +"Pardon me," I interrupted, "I merely said that he sat in it. I am not +trying to deceive you, sir." + +"And the treaty was signed on this table," said Mr. Riley-Werkheimer. +He addressed himself to a plump young lady with a distorted bust and +a twenty-two inch waist. "Maude, what do you know about the +Roman-Teutonic treaty? We'll catch you now, my friend," he went on, +turning to me. "My daughter is up in ancient history. She's an +authority." + +Miss Maude appeared to be racking her brain. I undertook to assist her. + +"I mean the second treaty, after the fall of Nuremburg," I explained. + +"Oh," she said, instantly relieved. "Was it _really_ signed here, right +here in this hall? Oh, Father! We _must_ have that table." + +"You are sure there was a treaty, Maude?" demanded her parent +accusingly. + +"Certainly," she cried. "The Teutons ceded Alsace-Lorraine to--" + +"Pardon me once more," I cried, and this time I plead guilty to a +blush, "you are thinking of the other treaty--the one at Metz, Miss +Riley-Werkheimer. This, as you will recall, ante-dates that one by--oh, +several years." + +"Thank you," she said, quite condescendingly. "I was confused for a +moment. Of course, Father, I can't say that it was signed here or on +this table as the young man says. I only know that there was a treaty. +I do wish you'd come and see the fire-screen I've found--" + +"Let's get this out of our system first," said her father. "If you can +show me statistics and the proper proof that this is the genuine table, +young man, I'll--" + +"Pray rest easy, sir," I said. "We can take it up later on. The facts +are--" + +"And this Pontius Pilate seat," interrupted Rocksworth, biting off the +end of a fresh cigar. "What about it? Got a match?" + +"Get the gentleman a match, Britton," I said, thereby giving my valet +an opportunity to do his exploding in the pantry. "I can only affirm, +sir, that it is common history that Pontius Pilate spent a portion of +his exile here in the sixth century. It is reasonable to assume that +he sat in this seat, being an old man unused to difficult stairways. +He--" + +"Buy it, Orson," said his wife, with authority. "We'll take a chance +on it. If it isn't the right thing, we can sell it to the second-hand +dealers. What's the price?" + +"A thousand dollars to you, madam," said I. + +They were at once suspicious. While they were busily engaged in looking +the seat over as the porters shifted it about at all angles, I stepped +over and ordered my workmen to resume their operations. I was beginning +to get sour and angry again, having missed my coffee. From the culinary +regions there ascended a most horrific odour of fried onions. If there +is one thing I really resent it is a fried onion. I do not know why +I should have felt the way I did about it on this occasion, but I am +mean enough now to confess that I hailed the triumphal entry of that +pernicious odour with a meanness of spirit that leaves nothing to be +explained. + +"Good gracious!" gasped the aristocratic Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer, holding +her nose. "Do you smell _that_"? + +"Onions! My Gawd!" sniffed Maude. "How I hate 'em!" + +Mr. Rocksworth forgot his dignity. "Hate 'em?" he cried, his eyes +rolling. "I just love 'em!" + +"Orson!" said his wife, transfixing him with a glare. "_What_ will +people think of you?" + +"I like 'em too," admitted Mr. Riley-Werkheimer, perceiving at once +whom she meant by "people." He puffed out his chest. + +At that instant the carpenters, plumbers and stone masons resumed their +infernal racket, while scrubwomen, polishers and painters began to +move intimately among us. + +"Here!" roared Mr. Rocksworth. "Stop this beastly noise! What the deuce +do you mean, sir, permitting these scoundrels to raise the dead like +this? Confound 'em, I stopped them once. Here! You! Let up on that, +will you?" + +I moved forward apologetically. "I am afraid it is not onions you +smell, ladies and gentlemen." I had taken my cue with surprising +quickness. "They _are_ raising the dead. The place is fairly alive +with dead rats and--" + +"Good Lord!" gasped Riley-Werkheimer. "We'll get the bubonic plague +here." + +"Oh, I know _onions_," said Rocksworth calmly. "Can't fool me on onions. +They _are_ onions, ain't they, Carrie?" + +"They _are_!" said she. "What a pity to have this wonderful old castle +actually devastated by workmen! It is an outrage--a crime. I should +think the owner would turn over in his grave." + +"Unhappily, I am the owner, madam," said I, slyly working my foot back +into an elusive slipper. + +"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," she said, eyeing me coldly with +a hitherto unexposed lorgnon. + +"I am," said I. "You quite took me by surprise. I should have made +myself more presentable if I had known--" + +"Well, let's move on upstairs," said Rocksworth. Addressing the porters +he said: "You fellows get this lot of stuff together and I'll take an +option on it. I'll be over to-morrow to close the deal, Mr.--Mr.--Now, +where is the old Florentine mirror the Count was telling us about?" + +"The Count?" said I, frowning. + +"Yes, the _real_ owner. You can't stuff me with your talk about being +the proprietor here, my friend. You see, we happen to _know_ the Count." + +They all condescended to laugh at me. I don't know what I should have +said or done if Britton had not returned with a box of matches at that +instant--sulphur matches which added subtly to the growing illusion. + +Almost simultaneously there appeared in the lower hall a lanky youth +of eighteen. He was a loud-voiced, imperious sort of chap with at least +three rolls to his trousers and a plum-coloured cap. + +"Say, these clubs are the real stuff, all right, all right. They're +as brittle as glass. See what I did to 'em. We can hae 'em spliced and +rewound and I'll hang 'em on my wall. All I want is the heads anyhow." + +He held up to view a headless mid-iron and brassie, and triumphantly +waved a splendid cleek. My favourite clubs! I could play better from +a hanging lie with that beautiful brassie than with any club I ever +owned and as for the iron, I was deadly with it. + +He lit a cigarette and threw the match into a pile of shavings. Old +Conrad returned to life at that instant and stamped out the incipient +blaze. + +"I shouldn't consider them very good clubs, Harold, if they break off +like that," said his mother. + +"What do you know about clubs?" he snapped, and I at once knew what +class he was in at the preparatory school. + +If I was ever like one of these, said I to myself, God rest the sage +soul of my Uncle Rilas! + +The situation was no longer humorous. I could put up with anything but +the mishandling of my devoted golf clubs. + +Striding up to him, I snatched the remnants from his hands. + +"You infernal cub!" I roared. "Haven't you any more sense than to smash +a golf club like that? For two cents I'd break this putter over your +head." + +"Father!" he yelled indignantly. "Who is this mucker?" + +Mr. Rocksworth bounced toward me, his cane raised. I whirled upon him. + +"How dare you!" he shouted. The ladies squealed. + +If he expected me to cringe, he was mightily mistaken. My blood was +up. I advanced. + +"Paste him, Dad!" roared Harold. + +But Mr. Rocksworth suddenly altered his course and put the historic +treaty table between him and me. He didn't like the appearance of my +rather brawny fist. + +"You big stiff!" shouted Harold. Afterwards it occurred to me that +this inelegant appellation may have been meant for his father, but at +the time I took it to be aimed at me. + +Before Harold quite knew what was happening to him, he was prancing +down the long hall with my bony fingers grasping his collar. Coming +to the door opening into the outer vestibule, I drew back my foot for +a final aid to locomotion. Acutely recalling the fact that slippers +are not designed for kicking purposes, I raised my foot, removed the +slipper and laid it upon a taut section of his trousers with all of +the melancholy force that I usually exert in slicing my drive off the +tee. I shall never forget the exquisite spasm of pleasure his plaintive +"Ouch!" gave me. + +Then Harold passed swiftly out of my life. + +Mr. Rocksworth, reinforced by four reluctant mercenaries in the shape +of porters, was advancing upon me. Somehow I had a vague, but unerring +instinct that some one had fainted, but I didn't stop to inquire. +Without much ado, I wrested the cane from him and sent it scuttling +after Harold. + +"Now, get out!" I roared. + +"You shall pay for this!" he sputtered, quite black in the face. "Grab +him, you infernal cowards!" + +But the four porters slunk away, and Mr. Rocksworth faced me alone. +Rudolph and Max, thoroughly fed and _most_ prodigious, were bearing +down upon us, accounting for the flight of the mercenaries. + +"Get out!" I repeated. "I am the owner of this place, Mr. Rocksworth, +and I am mad through and through. Skip!" + +"I'll have the law--" + +"Law be hanged!" + +"If it costs me a million, I'll get--" + +"It _will_ cost you a million if you don't get!" I advised him, seeing +that he paused for want of breath. + +I left him standing there, but had the presence of mind to wave my +huge henchmen away. Mr. Riley-Werkheimer approached, but very +pacifically. He was paler than he will ever be again in his life, I +fear. + +"This is most distressing, most distressing, Mr.-- Mr.-- ahem! I've +never been so outraged in my life. I--but, wait!" He had caught the +snap in my atavistic eye. "I am not seeking trouble. We will go, sir. +I--I--I think my wife has quite recovered. Are--are you all right, my +dear?" + +I stood aside and let them file past me. Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer moved +very nimbly for one who had just been revived by smelling-salts. As +her husband went by, he half halted in front of me. A curious glitter +leaped into his fishy eyes. + +"I'd give a thousand dollars to be free to do what you did to that +insufferable puppy, Mr.--Mr.--ahem. A cool thousand, damn him!" + +I had my coffee upstairs, far removed from the onions. A racking +headache set in. Never again will I go without my coffee so long. It +always gives me a headache. + + + +CHAPTER III + +I CONVERSE WITH A MYSTERY + +Late in the afternoon, I opened my door, hoping that the banging of +hammers and the buzz of industry would have ceased, but alas! the noise +was even more deafening than before. I was still in a state of nerves +over the events of the morning. There had been a most distressing lack +of poise on my part, and I couldn't help feeling after it was all over +that my sense of humour had received a shock from which it was not +likely to recover in a long time. There was but little consolation in +the reflection that my irritating visitors deserved something in the +shape of a rebuff; I could not separate myself from the conviction +that my integrity as a gentleman had suffered in a mistaken conflict +with humour. My headache, I think, was due in a large measure to the +sickening fear that I had made a fool of myself, notwithstanding my +efforts to make fools of them. My day was spoilt. My plans were upset +and awry. + +Espying Britton in the gloomy corridor, I shouted to him, and he came +at once. + +"Britton," said I, as he closed the door, "do you think they will carry +out their threat to have the law on me? Mr. Rocksworth was very +angry--and put out. He is a power, as you know." + +"I think you are quite safe, sir," said he. "I've been waiting outside +since two o'clock to tell you something, sir, but hated to disturb +you. I--" + +"Thank you, Britton, my head was aching dreadfully." + +"Yes, sir. Quite so. Shortly before two, sir, one of the porters from +the hotel came over to recover a gold purse Mrs. Riley-Werkheimer had +dropped in the excitement, and he informed Mr. Poopendyke that the +whole party was leaving at four for Dresden. I asked particular about +the young man, sir, and he said they had the doctor in to treat his +stomach, sir, immediately after they got back to the hotel." + +"His stomach? But I distinctly struck him on the verso." + +"I know, sir; but it seems that he swallowed his cigarette." + +To my shame, I joined Britton in a roar of laughter. Afterwards I +recalled, with something of a shock, that it was the first time I had +ever heard my valet laugh aloud. He appeared to be in some distress +over it himself, for he tried to turn it off into a violent fit of +coughing. He is such a faithful, exemplary servant that I made haste +to pound him on the back, fearing the worst. I could not get on at all +without Britton. He promptly recovered. + +"I beg pardon, sir," said he. "Will you have your shave and tub now, +sir?" + +Later on, somewhat refreshed and relieved, I made my way to the little +balcony, first having issued numerous orders and directions to the +still stupefied Schmicks, chief among which was an inflexible command +to keep the gates locked against all comers. The sun was shining +brightly over the western hills, and the sky was clear and blue. The +hour was five I found on consulting my watch. Naturally my first impulse +was to glance up at the still loftier balcony in the east wing. It was +empty. There was nothing in the grim, formidable prospect to warrant +the impression that any one dwelt behind those dismantled windows, and +I experienced the vague feeling that perhaps it had been a dream after +all. + +Far below at the foot of the shaggy cliff ran the historic Donau, +serene and muddy, all rhythmic testimonials to the contrary. With +something of a shudder I computed the distance from my eerie perch to +the rocks at the bottom of the cliff. Five hundred feet, at least; an +impregnable wall of nature surmounted by a now rank and obsolete +obstruction built by the hand of man: a fortress that defied the legions +of old but to-day would afford no more than brief and even desultory +target practice for a smart battery. To scale the cliff, however, would +be an impossibility for the most resourceful general in the world. All +about me were turrets and minarets, defeated by the ancient and +implacable foe--Time. Shattered crests of towers hung above me, grey +and forbidding, yet without menace save in their senile prerogative +to collapse without warning. Tiny windows marked the face of my still +sturdy walls, like so many pits left by the pox, and from these in the +good old feudal days a hundred marksmen had thrust their thunderous +blunderbusses to clear the river of vain-glorious foes. From the +scalloped bastions cross-bowmen of even darker ages had shot their +random bolts; while in the niches of lower walls futile pikemen waited +for the impossible to happen: the scaling of the cliff! + +Friend and foe alike came to the back door of Schloss Rothhoefen, and +there found welcome or stubborn obstacles that laughed at time and +locksmiths: monstrous gates that still were strong enough to defy a +mighty force. There was my great stone-paved courtyard, flanked on all +sides by disintegrating buildings once occupied by serfs and fighting +men; the stables in which chargers and beasts of burden had slept side +by side until called by the night's work or the day's work, as war or +peace prescribed, ranged close by the gates that opened upon the steep, +winding roadway that now dismayed all modern steeds save the conquering +ass. Here too were the remains of a once noble garden, and here were +the granaries and the storehouses. + +Far below me were the dungeons, with dead men's bones on their dripping +floors; and somewhere in the heart of the peak were secret, unknown +passages, long since closed by tumbling rocks and earth, as darkly +mysterious as the streets in the buried cities of Egypt. + +Across the river and below me stood the walled-in town that paid tribute +to the good and bad Rothhoefens in those olden days: a red-tiled, +gloomy city that stood as a monument to long-dead ambitions. A peaceful, +quiet town that had survived its parlous centuries of lust and greed, +and would go on living to the end of time. + +So here I sat me down, almost at the top of my fancy, to wonder if it +were not folly as well! + +Above me soared huge white-bellied birds, cousins germain to my dreams, +but alas! infinitely more sensible in that they roamed for a more +sustaining nourishment than the so-called food for thought. + +I looked backward to the tender years when my valiant young heart kept +pace with a fertile brain in its swiftest flights, and pinched myself +to make sure that this was not all imagination. Was I really living +in a feudal castle with romance shadowing me at every step? Was this +I, the dreamer of twenty years ago? Or was I the last of the Rothhoefens +and not John Bellamy Smart, of Madison Avenue, New York? + +The sun shone full upon me as I sat there in my little balcony, but +I liked the dry, warm glare of it. To be perfectly frank, the castle +was a bit damp. I had had a pain in the back of my neck for two whole +days. The sooner I got at my novel and finished it up the better, I +reflected. Then I could go off to the baths somewhere. But would I +ever settle down to work? Would the plumbers ever get off the place? +(They were the ones I seemed to suspect the most.) + +Suddenly, as I sat there ruminating, I became acutely aware of something +white on the ledge of the topmost window in the eastern tower. Even +as I fixed my gaze upon it, something else transpired. A cloud of soft, +wavy, luxurious brown hair eclipsed the narrow white strip and hung +with spreading splendour over the casement ledge, plainly, indubitably +to dry in the sun! + +My neighbour had washed her hair! + +And it was really a most wonderful head of hair. I can't remember ever +having seen anything like it, except in the advertisements. + +For a long time I sat there trying to pierce the blackness of the room +beyond the window with my straining eyes, deeply sensitive to a +curiosity that had as its basic force the very natural anxiety to know +what disposition she had made of the rest of her person in order to +obtain this rather startling effect. + +Of course, I concluded, she was lying on a couch of some description, +with her head in the window. That was quite clear, even to a dreamer. +And perhaps she was reading a novel while the sun shone. My fancy went +to the remotest ends of probability: she might even be reading one of +mine! + +What a glorious, appealing, sensuous thing a crown of hair--but just +then Mr. Poopendyke came to my window. + +"May I interrupt you for a moment, Mr. Smart?" he inquired, as he +squinted at me through his ugly bone-rimmed glasses. + +"Come here, Poopendyke," I commanded in low, excited tones. He +hesitated. "You won't fall off," I said sharply. + +Although the window is at least nine feet high, Poopendyke stooped as +he came through. He always does it, no matter how tall the door. It +is a life-long habit with him. Have I mentioned that my worthy secretary +is six feet four, and as thin as a reed? I remember speaking of his +knees. He is also a bachelor. + +"It is a dreadful distance down there," he murmured, flattening himself +against the wall and closing his eyes. + +A pair of slim white hands at that instant indolently readjusted the +thick mass of hair and quite as casually disappeared. I failed to hear +Mr. Poopendyke's remark. + +"I think, sir," he proceeded, "it would be a very good idea to get +some of our correspondence off our hands. A great deal of it has +accumulated in the past few weeks. I wish to say that I am quite ready +to attend to it whenever--" + +"Time enough for letters," said I, still staring. + +"We ought to clean them all up before we begin on the romance, sir. +That's my suggestion. We shan't feel like stopping for a lot of silly +letters--By the way, sir, when do you expect to start on the romance?" +He usually spoke of them as romances. They were not novels to +Poopendyke. + +I came to my feet, the light of adventure in my eye. + +"This very instant, Poopendyke," I exclaimed. + +His face brightened. He loves work. + +"Splendid! I will have your writing tablets ready in--" + +"First of all, we _must_ have a ladder. Have you seen to that?" + +"A ladder?" he faltered, putting one foot back through the window in +a most suggestive way. + +"Oh," said I, remembering, "I haven't told you, have I? Look! Up there +in that window. Do you see _that_?" + +"What is it, sir? A rug?" + +"Rug! Great Scott, man, don't you know a woman's hair when you see it?" + +"I've never--er--never seen it--you might say--just like that. Is it +_hair_?" + +"It is. You _do_ see it, don't you?" + +"How did it get there?" + +"Good! Now I know I'm not dreaming. Come! There's no time to be lost. +We may be able to get up there before she hears us!" + +I was through the window and half way across the room before his +well-meant protest checked me. + +"For heaven's sake, Mr. Smart, don't be too hasty. We can't rush in +upon a woman unexpectedly like this. Who knows? She may be entirely--" +He caught himself up sharply, blinked, and then rounded out his sentence +in safety with the word "deshabille." + +I was not to be turned aside by drivel of that sort; so, with a scornful +laugh, I hurried on and was soon in the courtyard, surrounded by at +least a score of persons who madly inquired where the fire was, and +wanted to help me to put it out. At last we managed to get them back +at their work, and I instructed old Conrad to have the tallest ladder +brought to me at once. + +"There is no such thing about the castle," he announced blandly, puffing +away at his enormous pipe. His wife shook her head in perfect serenity. +Somewhat dashed, I looked about me in quest of proof that they were +lying to me. There was no sign of anything that even resembled a ladder. + +"Where are your sons?" I demanded. + +The old couple held up their hands in great distress. + +"Herr Britton has them working their souls out, turning a windlass +outside the gates--ach, that terrible invention of his!" groaned old +Conrad. "My poor sons are faint with fatigue, mein herr. You should +see them perspire,--and hear them pant for breath." + +"It is like the blowing of the forge bellows," cried his wife. "My +poor little boys!" + +"Fetch them at once Conrad," said I, cudgelling my brain for a means +to surmount a present difficulty, and but very slightly interested in +Britton's noble contraption. + +The brothers soon appeared and, as if to give the lie to their fond +parents, puffed complacently at their pipes and yawned as if but +recently aroused from a nap. Their sleeves were rolled up and I +marvelled at the size of their arms. + +"Is Britton dead?" I cried, suddenly cold with the fear that they had +mutinied against this brusque English overlord. + +They smiled. "He is waiting to be pulled up again, sir," said Max. "We +left him at the bottom when you sent for us. It is for us to obey." + +Of course, everything had to wait while my obedient vassals went forth +and reeled the discomforted Britton to the top of the steep. He +sputtered considerably until he saw me laughing at him. Instantly he +was a valet once more, no longer a crabbed genius. + +I had thought of a plan, only to discard it on measuring with my eye +the distance from the ground to the lowest window in the east wing, +second floor back. Even by standing on the shoulders of Rudolph, who +was six feet five, I would still find myself at least ten feet short +of the window ledge. Happily a new idea struck me almost at once. + +In a jiffy, half a dozen carpenters were at work constructing a +substantial ladder out of scantlings, while I stood over them in serene +command of the situation. + +The Schmicks segregated themselves and looked on, regarding the window +with sly, furtive glances in which there was a distinct note of +uneasiness. + +At last the ladder was complete. Resolutely I mounted to the top and +peered through the sashless window. It was quite black and repelling +beyond. Instructing Britton and the two brothers to follow me in turn, +I clambered over the wide stone sill and lowered myself gingerly to +the floor. + +I will not take up the time or the space to relate my experiences on +this first fruitless visit to the east wing of my abiding place. Suffice +to say, we got as far as the top of the stairs in the vast middle +corridor after stumbling through a series of dim, damp rooms, and then +found our way effectually blocked by a stout door which was not only +locked and bolted, but bore a most startling admonition to would-be +trespassers. + +Pinned to one of the panels there was a dainty bit of white note-paper, +with these satiric words written across its surface in a bold, feminine +hand: + +"_Please keep out. This is private property._" + +Most property owners no doubt would have been incensed by this calm +defiance on the part of a squatter, either male or female, but not I. +The very impudence of the usurper appealed to me. What could be more +delicious than her serene courage in dispossessing me, with the stroke +of a pen, of at least two-thirds of my domicile, and what more exciting +than the thought of waging war against her in the effort to regain +possession of it? Really it was quite glorious! Here was a happy, +enchanting bit of feudalism that stirred my romantic soul to its very +depths. I was being defied by a woman--an amazon! Even my grasping +imagination could not have asked for more substantial returns than +this. To put her to rout! To storm the castle! To make her captive and +chuck her into my dungeon! Splendid! + +We returned to the courtyard and held a counsel of war. I put all of +the Schmicks on the grill, but they stubbornly disclaimed all interest +in or knowledge of the extraordinary occupant of the east wing. + +"We can smoke her out, sir," said Britton. + +I could scarcely believe my ears. + +"Britton," said I severely, "you are a brute. I am surprised. You +forget there is an innocent babe--maybe a collection of them--over +there. And a dog. We shan't do anything heathenish, Britton. Please +bear that in mind. There is but one way: we must storm the place. I +will not be defied to my very nose." + +I felt it to see if it was not a little out of joint. "It is a good +nose." + +"It is, sir," said Britton, and Poopendyke, in a perfect ecstasy of +loyalty, shouted: "Long live your nose, sir!" + +My German vassals waved their hats, perceiving that a demonstration +was required without in the least knowing what it was about. + +"To-night we'll plan our campaign," said I, and then returned in some +haste to my balcony. The mists of the waning day were rising from the +valley below. The smell of rain was in the air. I looked in vain for +the lady's tresses. They were gone. The sun was also gone. His work +for the day was done. I wondered whether she was putting up her hair +with her own fair hands or was there a lady's maid in her menage. + +Poopendyke and I dined in solemn grandeur in the great banquet hall, +attended by the clumsy Max. + +"Mr. Poopendyke," said I, after Max had passed me the fish for the +second time on my right side--and both times across my shoulder,--"we +must engage a butler and a footman to-morrow. Likewise a chef. This +is too much." + +"Might I suggest that we also engage a chambermaid? The beds are very +poorly--" + +I held up my hand, smiling confidently. + +"We may capture a very competent chambermaid before the beds are made +up again," I said, with meaning. + +"She doesn't write like a chambermaid," he reminded me. Whereupon we +fell to studying the very aristocratic chirography employed by my +neighbour in barring me from my own possessions. + +After the very worst meal that Frau Schmick had ever cooked, and the +last one that Max under any circumstance would be permitted to serve, +I took myself off once more to the enchanted balcony. I was full of +the fever of romance. A perfect avalanche of situations had been +tumbling through my brain for hours, and, being a provident sort of +chap in my own way, I decided to jot them down on a pad of paper before +they quite escaped me or were submerged by others. + +The night was very black and tragic, swift storm clouds having raced +up to cover the moon and stars. With a radiant lanthorn in the window +behind me, I sat down with my pad and my pipe and my pencil. The storm +was not far away. I saw that it would soon be booming about my +stronghold, and realised that my fancy would have to work faster than +it had ever worked before if half that I had in mind was to be +accomplished. Why I should have courted a broken evening on the exposed +balcony, instead of beginning my labours in my study, remains an +unrevealed mystery unless we charge it to the account of a much-abused +eccentricity attributed to genius and which usually turns out to be +arrant stupidity. + +I have no patience with the so-called eccentricity of genius. It is +merely an excuse for unkempt hair, dirty finger-nails, unpolished +boots, open placquets, bad manners and a tendency to forget pecuniary +obligations, to say nothing of such trifles as besottednesss, vulgarity +and the superior knack of knowing how to avoid making suitable provision +for one's wife and children. All the shabby short-comings in the +character of an author, artist or actor are blithely charged to genius, +and we are content to let it go at that for fear that other people may +think we don't know any better. As for myself, I may be foolish and +inconsequential, but heaven will bear witness that I am not mean enough +to call myself a genius. + +So we will call it stupidity that put me where I might be rained upon +at any moment, or permanently interrupted by a bolt of lightning. +(There were low mutterings of thunder behind the hills, and faint +flashes as if a monstrous giant had paused to light his pipe on the +evil, wind-swept peaks of the Caucasus mountains.) + +I was scribbling away in serene contempt for the physical world, when +there came to my ears a sound that gave me a greater shock than any +streak of lightning could have produced and yet left sufficient life +in me to appreciate the sensation of being electrified. + +A woman's voice, speaking to me out of the darkness and from some point +quite near at hand! Indeed, I could have sworn it was almost at my +elbow; she might have been peering over my shoulder to read my thoughts. + +"I beg your pardon, but would you mind doing me a slight favour?" + +Those were the words, uttered in a clear, sweet, perfectly confident +voice, as of one who never asked for favours, but exacted them. + +I looked about me, blinking, utterly bewildered. No one was to be seen. +She laughed. Without really meaning to do so, I also laughed,--nervously, +of course. + +"Can't you see me?" she asked. I looked intently at the spot from which +the sound seemed to come: a perfectly solid stone block less than three +feet from my right shoulder. It must have been very amusing. She laughed +again. I flushed resentfully. + +"Where are you?" I cried out rather tartly. + +"I can see you quite plainly, and you are very ugly when you scowl, +sir. Are you scowling at me?" + +"I don't know," I replied truthfully, still searching for her. "Does +it seem so to you?" + +"Yes." + +"Then I must be looking in the right direction," I cried impolitely. +"You must be--Ah!" + +My straining eyes had located a small, oblong blotch in the curve of +the tower not more than twenty feet from where I stood, and on a direct +line with my balcony. True, I could not at first see a face, but as +my eyes grew a little more accustomed to the darkness, I fancied I +could distinguish a shadow that might pass for one. + +"I didn't know that little window was there," I cried, puzzled. + +"It isn't," she said. "It is a secret loop-hole, and it isn't here +except in times of great duress. See! I can close it." The oblong +blotch abruptly disappeared, only to reappear an instant later. I was +beginning to understand. Of course it was in the beleaguered east wing! +"I hope I didn't startle you a moment ago." + +I resolved to be very stiff and formal about it. "May I enquire, madam, +what you are doing in my hou--my castle?" + +"You may." + +"Well," said I, seeing the point, "what are you doing here?" + +"I am living here," she answered distinctly. + +"So I perceive," said I, rather too distinctly. + +"And I have come down to ask a simple, tiny little favour of you, Mr. +Smart," she resumed. + +"You know my name?" I cried, surprised. + +"I am reading your last book--Are you going?" + +"Just a moment, please," I called out, struck by a splendid idea. +Reaching inside the window I grasped the lanthorn and brought its rays +to bear upon the--perfectly blank wall! I stared open-mouthed and +unbelieving. "Good heaven! Have I been dreaming all this?" I cried +aloud. + +My gaze fell upon two tiny holes in the wall, exposed to view by the +bright light of my lamp. They appeared to be precisely in the centre +of the spot so recently marked by the elusive oblong. Even as I stared +at the holes, a slim object that I at once recognised as a finger +protruded from one of them and wiggled at me in a merry but exceedingly +irritating manner. + +Sensibly I restored the lanthorn to its place inside the window and +waited for the mysterious voice to resume. + +"Are you so homely as all that?" I demanded when the shadowy face +looked out once more. Very clever of me, I thought. + +"I am considered rather good-looking," she replied, serenely. "Please +don't do that again. It was very rude of you, Mr. Smart." "Oh, I've +seen something of you before this," I said. "You have long, beautiful +brown hair--and a dog." + +She was silent. + +"I am sure you will pardon me if I very politely ask who you are?" I +went on. + +"That question takes me back to the favour. Will you be so very, very +kind as to cease bothering me, Mr. Smart? It is dreadfully upsetting, +don't you feeling that at any moment you may rush in and--" + +"I like that. In my own castle, too!" + +"There is ample room for both of us," she said sharply. "I shan't be +here for more than a month or six weeks, and I am sure we can get along +very amiably under the same roof for that length of time if you'll +only forget that I am here." + +"I can't very well do that, madam. You see, we are making extensive +repairs about the place and you are proving to be a serious obstacle. +I cannot grant your request. It will grieve me enormously if I am +compelled to smoke you out but I fear--" + +"Smoke me out!" + +"Perhaps with sulphur," I went on resolutely. "It is said to be very +effective." + +"Surely you will not do anything so horrid." + +"Only as a last resort. First, we shall storm the east wing. Failing +in that we shall rely on smoke. You will admit that you have no right +to poach on my preserves." + +"None whatever," she said, rather plaintively. + +I can't remember having heard a sweeter voice than hers. Of course, +by this time, I was thoroughly convinced that she was a lady,--a +cultured, high-bred lady,--and an American. I was too densely enveloped +by the fogginess of my own senses at this time, however, to take in +this extraordinary feature of the case. Later on, in the seclusion of +my study, the full force of it struck me and I marvelled. + +That plaintive note in her voice served its purpose. My firmness seemed +to dissolve, even as I sought to reinforce it by an injection of +harshness into my own manner of speech. + +"Then you should be willing to vacate my premises er--or--" here is +where I began to show irresoluteness--"or explain yourself." + +"Won't you be generous?" + +I cleared my throat nervously. How well they know the cracks in a man's +armour! + +"I am willing to be--amenable to reason. That's all you ought to +expect." A fresh idea took root. "Can't we effect a compromise? A +truce, or something of the sort? All I ask is that you explain your +presence here. I will promise to be as generous as possible under the +circumstances." + +"Will you give me three days in which to think it over?" she asked, +after a long pause. + +"No." + +"Well, two days?" + +"I'll give you until to-morrow afternoon at five, when I shall expect +you to receive me in person." + +"That is quite impossible." + +"But I demand the right to go wherever I please in my own castle. +You--" + +"If you knew just how circumspect I am obliged to be at present you +wouldn't impose such terms, Mr. Smart." + +"Oho! Circumspect! That puts a new light on the case. What have you +been up to, madam?" I spoke very severely. + +She very properly ignored the banality. "If I should write you a nice, +agreeable letter, explaining as much as I can, won't you be satisfied?" + +"I prefer to have it by word of mouth." + +She seemed to be considering. "I will come to this window to-morrow +night at this time and--and let you know," she said reluctantly. + +"Very well," said I. "We'll let it rest till then." + +"And, by the way, I have something more to ask of you. Is it quite +necessary to have all this pounding and hammering going on in the +castle? The noise is dreadful. I don't ask it on my own account, but +for the baby. You see, she's quite ill with a fever, Mr. Smart. Perhaps +you've heard her crying." + +"The baby?" I muttered. + +"It is nothing serious, of course. The doctor was here to-day and he +reassured me--" + +"A--a doctor here to-day?" I gasped. + +She laughed once more. Verily, it was a gentle, high-bred laugh. + +"Will you please put a stop to the noise for a day or two?" she asked, +very prettily. + +"Certainly," said I too surprised to say anything else. "Is--is there +anything else?" + +"Nothing, thank you," she replied. Then: "Good night, Mr. Smart. You +are very good." + +"Don't forget to-morrow--" + +But the oblong aperture disappeared with a sharp click, and I found +myself staring at the blank, sphynx-like wall. + +Taking up my pad, my pipe and my pencil, and leaving all of my cherished +ideas out there in the cruel darkness, never to be recovered,--at least +not in their original form,--I scrambled through the window, painfully +scraping my knee in passing,--just in time to escape the deluge. + +I am sure I should have enjoyed a terrific drenching if she had chosen +to subject me to it. + + + +CHAPTER IV + +I BECOME AN ANCESTOR + +True to the promise she had extracted from me, I laid off my workmen +the next morning. They trooped in bright and early, considerably +augmented by fresh recruits who came to share the benefits of my +innocuous prodigality, and if I live to be a thousand I shall never +again experience such a noisome half hour as the one I spent in +listening to their indignant protests against my tyrannical oppression +of the poor and needy. In the end, I agreed to pay them, one and all, +for a full day's work, and they went away mollified, calling me a true +gentleman to my face and heaven knows what to my back. + +I spoke gently to them of the sick baby. With one voice they all +shouted: + +"But _our_ babies are sick!" + +One octogenarian--a carpenter's apprentice--heatedly informed me, +through Schmick, that he had a child two weeks old that would die +before morning if deprived of proper food and nourishment. Somewhat +impressed by this pitiful lament, I enquired how his wife was getting +along. The ancient, being in a placid state of senility, courteously +thanked me for my interest, and answered that she had been dead for +forty-nine years, come September. I overlooked the slight discrepancy. + +During the remainder of the day, I insisted on the utmost quiet in our +wing of the castle. Poopendyke was obliged to take his typewriter out +to the stables, where I dictated scores of letters to him. I caught +Britton whistling in the kitchen about noon-time, and severely +reprimanded him. We went quite to the extreme, however, when we tiptoed +about our lofty halls. All of the afternoon we kept a sharp lookout +for the doctor, but if he came we were none the wiser. Britton went +into the town at three with the letters and a telegram to my friends +in Vienna, imploring them to look up a corps of efficient servants for +me and to send them on post-haste. I would have included a request for +a competent nurse-maid if it hadn't been for a report from Poopendyke, +who announced that he had caught a glimpse of a very nursy looking +person at one of the upper windows earlier in the day. + +I couldn't, however, for the life of me understand why my neighbour +enjoined such rigid silence in our part of the castle and yet permitted +that confounded dog of hers to yowl and bark all day. How was I to +know that the beast had treed a lizard in the lower hall and couldn't +dislodge it? + +Britton returned with news. The ferrymen, with great joy in the telling, +informed him that the season for tourists parties was just beginning +and that we might expect, with them, to do a thriving and prosperous +business during the next month or two. Indeed, word already had been +received by the tourists company's agent in the town that a party of +one hundred and sixty-nine would arrive the next day but one from +Munchen, bent on visiting my ruin. In great trepidation, I had all of +the gates and doors locked and reinforced by sundry beams and slabs, +for I knew the overpowering nature of the collective tourist. + +I may be pardoned if I digress at this time to state that the party +of one hundred and sixty-nine, both stern and opposite, besieged my +castle on the next day but one, with the punctuality of locusts, and +despite all of my precautions, all of my devices, all of my objections, +effected an entrance and over-ran the place like a swarm of ants. The +feat that could not have been accomplished by an armed force was +successfully managed by a group of pedagogues from Ohio, to whom "Keep +off the Grass" and "No Trespass" are signs of utter impotence on the +part of him who puts them up, and ever shall be, world without end. +They came, they saw, they conquered, and they tried to buy picture +postcards of me. + +I mention this in passing, lest you should be disappointed. More anon. + +Punctually at nine o'clock, I was in the balcony, thanking my lucky +stars that it was a bright, moonlit night. There was every reason to +rejoice in the prospect of seeing her face clearly when she appeared +at her secret little window. Naturally, I am too much of a gentleman +to have projected unfair means of illuminating her face, such as the +use of a pocket electric lamp or anything of that sort. I am nothing +if not gallant,--when it comes to a pinch. Besides, I was reasonably +certain that she would wear a thick black veil. In this I was wrong. +She wore a white, filmy one, but it served the purpose. I naturally +concluded that she was homely. + +"Good evening," she said, on opening the window. + +"Good evening," said I, contriving to conceal my disappointment. "How +is the baby?" + +"Very much better, thank you. It was so good of you to stop the +workmen." + +[Illustration: I sat bolt upright and yelled; "Get out!"] + +"Won't you take off your veil and stay awhile?" I asked, politely +facetious. "It isn't quite fair to me, you know." + +Her next remark brought a blush of confusion to my cheek. A silly +notion had induced me to don my full evening regalia, spike-tail coat +and all. Nothing could have been more ludicrously incongruous than my +appearance, I am sure, and I never felt more uncomfortable in my life. + +"How very nice you look in your new suit," she said, and I was aware +of a muffled quality in her ordinarily clear, musical voice. She was +laughing at me. "Are you giving a dinner party?" + +"I usually dress for dinner," I lied with some haughtiness. "And so +does Poopendyke," I added as an afterthought. My blush deepened as I +recalled the attenuated blazer in which my secretary breakfasted, +lunched and dined without discrimination. + +"For Gretel's benefit, I presume." + +"Aha! You _do_ know Gretel, then?" + +"Oh, I've known her for years. Isn't she a quaint old dear?" + +"I shall discharge her in the morning," said I severely. "She is a +liar and her husband is a poltroon. They positively deny your existence +in any shape or form." + +"They won't pay any attention to you," said she, with a laugh. "They +are fixtures, quite as much so as the walls themselves. You'll not be +able to discharge them. My grandfather tried it fifty years ago and +failed. After that he made it a point to dismiss Conrad every day in +the year and Gretel every other day. As well try to remove the mountain, +Mr. Smart. They know you can't get on without them." + +"I have discharged her as a cook," I said, triumphantly. "A new one +will be here by the end of the week." + +"Oh," she sighed plaintively, "how glad I am. She is an atrocious cook. +I don't like to complain, Mr. Smart, but really it is getting so that +I can't eat _anything_ she sends up. It is jolly of you to get in a new +one. Now we shall be very happy." + +"By Jove!" said I, completely staggered by these revelations. Unable +to find suitable words to express my sustained astonishment, I repeated: +"By Jove!" but in a subdued tone. + +"I have thought it over, Mr. Smart," she went on in a business-like +manner, "and I believe we will get along much better together if we +stay apart." + +Ambiguous remarks ordinarily reach my intelligence, but I was so stunned +by preceding admissions that I could only gasp: + +"Do you mean to say you've been subsisting all this time on _my_ food?" + +"Oh, dear me, no! How can you think that of me? Gretel merely cooks +the food I buy. She keeps a distinct and separate account of everything, +poor thing. I am sure you will not find anything wrong with your bills, +Mr. Smart. But did you hear what I said a moment ago?" + +"I'm not quite sure that I did." + +"I prefer to let matters stand just as they are. Why should we +discommode each other? We are perfectly satisfied as we--" + +"I will not have my new cook giving notice, madam. You surely can't +expect her--or him--to prepare meals for two separate--" + +"I hadn't thought of that," she interrupted ruefully. "Perhaps if I +were to pay her--or him--extra wages it would be all right," she +added, quickly. "We do not require much, you know." + +I laughed rather shortly,--meanly, I fear. + +"This is most extraordinary, madam!" + +"I--I quite agree with you. I'm awfully sorry it had to turn out as +it has. Who would have dreamed of your buying the place and coming +here to upset everything?" + +I resolved to be firm with her. She seemed to be taking too much for +granted. "Much as I regret it, madam, I am compelled to ask you to +evacuate--to get out, in fact. This sort of thing can't go on." + +She was silent for so long that I experienced a slow growth of +compunction. Just as I was on the point of slightly receding from my +position, she gave me another shock. + +"Don't you think it would be awfully convenient if you had a telephone +put in, Mr. Smart?" she said. "It is such a nuisance to send Max or +Rudolph over to town every whip-stitch on errands when a telephone--in +your name, of course--would be so much more satisfactory." + +"A telephone!" I gasped. + +"Circumstances make it quite unwise for me to have a telephone in my +own name, but you could have one in yours without creating the least +suspicion. You are--" + +"Madam," I cried, and got no farther. + +"--perfectly free to have a telephone if you want one," she continued. +"The doctor came this evening and it really wasn't necessary. Don't +you see you could have telephoned for me and saved him the trip?" + +It was due to the most stupendous exertion of self-restraint on my +part that I said: "Well, I'll be--jiggered," instead of something a +little less unique. Her audacity staggered me. (I was not prepared at +that time to speak of it as superciliousness.) + +"Madam," I exploded, "will you be good enough to listen to me? I am +not to be trifled with. To-morrow sometime I shall enter the east wing +of this building if I have to knock down all the doors on the place. +Do you understand, madam?" + +"I do hope, Mr. Smart, you can arrange to break in about five o'clock. +It will afford me a great deal of pleasure to give you some tea. May +I expect you at five--or thereabouts?" + +Her calmness exasperated me. I struck the stone balustrade an emphatic +blow with my fist, sorely peeling the knuckles, and ground out: + +"For two cents I'd do it to-night!" + +"Oh, dear,--oh, dear!" she cried mockingly. + +"You must be a dreadful woman," I cried out. "First, you make yourself +at home in my house; then you succeed in stopping my workmen, steal +my cook and men-servants, keep us all awake with a barking dog, defying +me to my very face--" + +"How awfully stern you are!" + +"I don't believe a word you say about a sick baby,--or a doctor! It's +all poppy-cock. To-morrow you will find yourself, bag and baggage, +sitting at the bottom of this hill, waiting for--" + +"Wait!" she cried. "Are you really, truly in earnest?" + +"Most emphatically!" + +"Then I--I shall surrender," she said, very slowly,--and seriously, +I was glad to observe. + +"That's more like it," I cried, enthusiastically. + +"On one condition," she said. "You must agree in advance to let me +stay on here for a month or two. It--it is most imperative, Mr. Smart." + +"I shall be the sole judge of that, madam," I retorted, with some +dignity. "By the way," I went on, knitting my brows, "how am I to get +into your side of the castle? Schmick says he's lost the keys." + +A good deal depended on her answer. + +"They shall be delivered to you to-morrow morning, Mr. Smart," she +said, soberly. "Good night." + +The little window closed with a snap and I was left alone in the smiling +moonlight. I was vastly excited, even thrilled by the prospect of a +sleepless night. Something told me I wouldn't sleep a wink, and yet +I, who bitterly resent having my sleep curtailed in the slightest +degree, held no brief against circumstances. In fact, I rather revelled +in the promise of nocturnal distraction. Fearing, however, that I might +drop off to sleep at three or four o'clock and thereby run the risk +of over sleeping, I dashed off to the head of the stairs and shouted +for Britton. + +"Britton," I said. "I want to be called at seven o'clock sharp in the +morning." Noting his polite struggle to conceal his astonishment, I +told him of my second encounter with the lady across the way. + +"She won't be expecting you at seven, sir," he remarked. "And, as for +that, she may be expecting to call on you, instead of the other way +round." + +"Right!" said I, considerably dashed. + +"Besides, sir, would it not be safer to wait till the tourist party +has come and gone?" + +"No tourists enter this place to-morrow or any other day," I declared, +firmly. + +"Well, I'd suggest waiting just the same, sir," said he, evidently +inspired. + +"Confound them," I growled, somehow absorbing his presentiment. + +He hesitated for a moment near the door. + +"Will you put in the telephone, sir?" he asked, respectfully. + +Very curiously, I was thinking of it at that instant. + +"It really wouldn't be a bad idea, Britton," I said, startled into +committing myself. "Save us a great deal of legging it over town and +all that sort of thing, eh?" + +"Yes, sir. What I was about to suggest, sir, is that while we're about +it we might as well have a system of electric bells put in. That is +to say, sir, in both wings of the castle. Very convenient, sir, you +see, for all parties concerned." + +"I see," said I, impressed. And then repeated it, a little more +impressed after reflection. "I see. You are a very resourceful fellow, +Britton. I am inclined to bounce all of the Schmicks. They have known +about this from the start and have lied like thieves. By Jove, she +must have an extraordinary power over them,--or claim,--or something +equally potent. Now I think of it, she mentioned a grandfather. That +would go to prove she's related in some way to some one, wouldn't it?" + +"I should consider it to be more than likely, sir," said Britton, with +a perfectly straight face. He must have been sorely tried in the face +of my inane maunderings. "Pardon me, sir, but wouldn't it be a tip-top +idea to have it out with the Schmicks to-night? Being, sir, as you +anticipate a rather wakeful night, I only make so bold as to suggest +it in the hopes you may 'ave some light on the subject before you close +your eyes. In other words, sir, so as you won't be altogether in the +dark when morning comes. See wot I mean?" + +"Excellent idea, Britton. We'll have them up in my study." + +He went off to summon my double-faced servitors, while I wended my way +to the study. There I found. Mr. Poopendyke, sound asleep in a great +arm-chair, both his mouth and his nose open and my first novel also +open in his lap. + +Conrad and Gretel appeared with Britton after an unconscionable lapse +of time, partially dressed and grumbling. + +"Where are your sons?" I demanded, at once suspicious. + +Conrad shook his sparsely covered head and mumbled something about +each being his brother's keeper, all of which was Greek to me until +Britton explained that they were not to be found in their customary +quarters,--that is to say, in bed. Of course it was quite clear to +me that my excellent giants were off somewhere, serving the interests +of the bothersome lady in the east wing. + +"Conrad," said I, fixing the ancient with a stern, compelling gaze, +"this has gone quite far enough." + +"Yes, mein herr?" + +"Do you serve me, or do you serve the lady in the east wing?" + +"I do," said he, with a great deal more wit than I thought he possessed. +For a moment I was speechless, but not for the reason you may suspect. +I was trying to fix my question and his response quite clearly in my +memory so that I might employ them later in the course of a conversation +between characters in my forthcoming novel. + +"I have been talking with the lady this evening," said I. + +"Yes, mein herr; I know," said he. + +"Oh, you do, eh? Well, will you be good enough to tell me what the +devil is the meaning of all this two-faced, underhanded conduct on +your part?" + +He lowered his head, closed his thin lips and fumbled with the hem of +his smock in a significantly sullen manner. It was evident that he +meant to defy me. His sharp little eyes sent a warning look at Gretel, +who instantly ceased her mutterings and gave over asking God to bear +witness to something or other. She was always dragging in the Deity. + +"Now, see here, Conrad, I want the truth from you. Who is this woman, +and why are you so infernally set upon shielding her? What crime has +she committed? Tell me at once, or, by the Lord Harry, out you go +to-morrow,--all of you." + +"I am a very old man," he whined, twisting his gnarled fingers, a +suggestion of tears in his voice. "My wife is old, mein herr. You would +not be cruel. We have been here for sixty years. The old baron--" + +"Enough!" I cried resolutely. "Out with it, man. I mean all that I +say." + +He was still for a long time, looking first at the floor and then at +me; furtive, appealing, uncertain little glances from which he hoped +to derive comfort by catching me with a twinkle in my eye. I have a +stupid, weak way of letting a twinkle appear there even when I am +trying to be harsh and domineering. Britton has noticed it frequently, +I am sure, and I think he rather depends upon it. But now I realised, +if never before, that to betray the slightest sign of gentleness would +be to forever forfeit my standing as master in my own house. Conrad +saw no twinkle. He began to weaken. + +"To-morrow, mein herr, to-morrow," he mumbled, in a final plea. I shook +my head. "She will explain everything to-morrow," he went on eagerly. +"I am sworn to reveal nothing, mein herr. My wife, too, and my sons. +We may not speak until she gives the word. Alas! we shall be turned +out to die in our--" + +"We have been faithful servants to the Rothhoefens for sixty years," +sobbed his wife. + +"And still are, I suspect," I cried angrily. + +"Ach, mein herr, mein herr!" protested Conrad, greatly perturbed. + +"Where are the keys, you old rascal?" I demanded so sternly that even +Poopendyke was startled. + +Conrad almost resorted to the expediency of grovelling. "Forgive! +forgive!" he groaned. "I have done only what was best." + +"Produce the keys, sir!" + +"But not to-night, not to-night," he pleaded. "She will be very angry. +She will not like it, mein herr. Ach, Gott! She will drive us out, she +will shame us all! Ach, and she who is so gentle and so unhappy and +so--so kind, to all of us! I--I cannot--I cannot! No!" + +Mr. Poopendyke's common sense came in very handily at this critical +juncture. He counselled me to let the matter rest until the next +morning, when, it was reasonable to expect, the lady herself would +explain everything. Further appeal to Schmick was like butting one's +head against a stone wall, he said. Moreover, Conrad's loyalty to the +lady was most commendable. + +Conrad and Gretel beamed on Poopendyke. They thanked him so profoundly, +that I couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for myself, a tyrant without +a backbone. + +"Jah, jah!" Conrad cried gladly. "To-morrow she will explain. Time +enough, Herr Poopendyke. Time enough, eh?" + +"Well," said I, somewhat feebly, "where do I come in?" + +They caught the note of surrender in my voice and pounced upon their +opportunity. Before they had finished with me, it was quite thoroughly +established that I was not to come in at all until my neighbour was +ready to admit me. They convinced me that I was a meek, futile suppliant +and not the master of a feudal stronghold. Somehow I was made to feel +that if I didn't behave myself I stood in considerable danger of being +turned off the place. However, we forced something out of Schmick +before his stalwart sons came tramping up the stairs to rescue him. +The old man gave us a touch of inside history concerning Schloss +Rothhoefen and its erstwhile powerful barons, not to minimise in the +least sense the peculiar prowess of the present Amazon who held forth +to-night in the east wing and who, I had some reason to suspect, was +one of the family despite the unmistakable flavour of Fifth Avenue and +Newport. + +About the middle of the nineteenth century the last of the real +barons,--the powerful, land-owning, despotic barons, I mean,--came to +the end of his fourscore years and ten, and was laid away with great +pomp and glee by the people of the town across the river. He was the +last of the Rothhoefens, for he left no male heir. His two daughters +had married Austrian noblemen, and neither of them produced a male +descendant. The estate, already in a state of financial as well as +physical disintegration, fell into the hands of women, and went from +bad to worse so rapidly that long before the last quarter of the century +was fairly begun the castle and the reduced holdings slipped away from +the Rothhoefens altogether and into the control of the father of the +Count from whom I purchased the property. The Count's father, it +appears, was a distiller of great wealth in his day, and a man of +action. Unfortunately he died before he had the chance to carry out +his projects in connection with the rehabilitation of Schloss +Rothhoefen, even then a deserted, ramshackle resort for paying tourists +and a Mecca for antique and picture dealers. + +The new Count--my immediate predecessor--was not long in dissipating +the great fortune left by his father, the worthy distiller. He had run +through with the bulk of his patrimony by the time he was twenty-five +and was pretty much run down at the heel when he married in the hope +of recouping his lost fortune. + +The Schmicks did not like him. They did not approve of him as lord and +master, nor was it possible for them to resign themselves to the fate +that had put this young scapegrace into the shoes, so to speak, of the +grim old barons Rothhoefen, who whatever else they may have been in +a high-handed sort of way were men to the core. This pretender, this +creature without brains or blood, this sponging reprobate, was not to +their liking, if I am to quote Conrad, who became quite forceful in +his harangue against the recent order of things. + +He, his wife and his sons, he assured me, were full of rejoicing when +they learned that the castle had passed from Count Hohendahl's hands +into mine. I, at least, would pay them their wages and I might, in a +pinch, be depended upon to pension them when they got too old to be +of any use about the castle. + +At any rate, it seems, I was a distinct improvement over the Count, +who had been their master for a dozen very lean and unprofitable years. +Things might be expected to look up a bit, with me at the head of the +house. Was it not possible for a new and mighty race to rise and take +the place of the glorious Rothhoefens? A long line of Baron Schmarts? +With me as the prospective root of a thriving family tree! At least, +that is what Conrad said, and I may be pardoned for quoting him. + +I am truly sorry the old rascal put it into my head. + +But the gist of the whole matter was this: There are no more +Rothhoefens, and soon, God willing, there would be no more Hohendahls. +Long live the Schmarts! Conrad invariably pronounced my name with the +extra consonants and an umlaut. + +All attempts on my part to connect the lady in the east wing with the +history of the extinct Rothhoefens were futile. He would not commit +himself. + +"Well," said I, yawning in helpless collusion with the sleepy Gretel, +"we'll let it go over till morning. Call me at seven, Britton." + +Conrad made haste to assure me that the lady would not receive me +before eleven o'clock. He begged me to sleep till nine, and to have +pleasant dreams. + +I went to bed but not to sleep. It was very clear to me that my +neighbour was a disturber in every sense of the word. She wouldn't let +me sleep. For two hours I tried to get rid of her, but she filtered +into my brain and prodded my thoughts into the most violent activity. +She wouldn't stay put. + +My principal thoughts had to do with her identity. Somehow I got it +into my head that she was one of the female Rothhoefens, pitiable +nonentities if Conrad's estimate is to be accepted. A descendant of +one of those girl-bearing daughters of the last baron! It sounded very +agreeable to my fancy's ear, and I cuddled the hope that my surmise +was not altogether preposterous. + +My original contention that she was a poor relation of old Schmick and +somewhat dependent upon him for charity--to say the least--had been +set aside for more reliable convictions. Instead of being dependent +upon the Schmicks, she seemed to be in an exalted position that gave +her a great deal more power over them than even I possessed: they +served her, not me. From time to time there occurred to me the thought +that my own position in the household was rather an ignoble one, and +that I was a very weak and incompetent successor to baronial privileges, +to say nothing of rights. A real baron would have had her out of there +before you could mention half of Jack Robinson, and there wouldn't +have been any sleep lost over distracting puzzles. I deplored my lack +of bad manners. + +It was quite reasonable to assume that she was young, but the odds +were rather against her being beautiful. Pretty women usually adjure +such precautions as veils. Still, this was speculation, and my reasoning +is not always sound, for which I sometimes thank heaven. She had a +baby. At least, I suppose it was hers. If not, whose? This set me off +on a new and apparently endless round of speculation, obviously silly +and sentimental. + +Now I have humbly tried to like babies. My adolescent friends and +acquaintances have done their best to educate me along this particular +line, with the result that I suppose I despise more babies than any +man in the world. My friends, it would appear, are invariably married +to each other and they all have babies for me to go into false ecstasies +over. No doubt babies are very nice when they don't squawk or pull +your nose or jab you in the eye, but through some strange and prevailing +misfortune I have never encountered one when it was asleep. If they +are asleep, the parents compel me to walk on tip-toe and speak in +whispers at long range; the instant they awake and begin to yawp, I +am ushered into the presence, or vice versa, and the whole world grows +very small and congested and is carried about in swaddling clothes. + +There is but one way for a bachelor to overcome his horror of babies, +and he shouldn't wait too long. + +I went to sleep about four o'clock, still oppressed by the dread of +meeting a new baby. + +My contact with the one hundred and sixty-nine sight-seers was brief +but exceedingly convincing. They invaded the castle before I was out +of bed, having--as I afterwards heard--the breweries, an art gallery +and the Zoological gardens to visit before noon and therefore were +required to make an early start. The cathedral, which is always open +to visitors and never has any one sleeping in it, was reserved for the +afternoon. + +I was aroused from my belated sleep by the sound of mighty cataracts +and the tread of countless elephants. Too late I realised that the +tourists were upon me! Too late I remembered that the door to my room +had been left unlocked! The hundred and sixty-nine were huddled outside +my door, drinking in the monotonous drivel of the guide who had a +shrill, penetrating voice and not the faintest notion of a conscience. + +I listened in dismay for a moment, and then, actuated by something +more than mere fury, leaped out of bed and prepared for a dash across +the room to lock the door. On the third stride I whirled and made a +flying leap into the bed, scuttling beneath the covers with the speed +and accuracy of a crawfish. Just in time, too, for the heavy door swung +slowly open a second later, and the shrill, explanatory voice was +projected loudly into my lofty bed chamber. + +"Come a little closer, please," said the morose man with the cap. "This +room was occupied for centuries by the masters of Schloss Rothhoefen. +It is a bed chamber. See the great baronial bed. It has not been slept +in for more than two hundred years. The later barons refused to sleep +in it because one of their ancestors had been assassinated between its +sheets at the tender age of six. He was stabbed by a step-uncle who +played him false. This room is haunted. Observe the curtains of the +bed. They are of the rarest silk and have been there for three hundred +years, coming from Damascus in the year 1695. Now we will pass on to +the room occupied by all of the great baronesses up to the nineteenth--" + +A resolute beholder spoke up: "Can't we step inside?" + +"If you choose, madam. But we must waste no time." + +"I do so want to see where the old barons slept." + +"Please do not handle the bedspreads and curtains. They will fall to +pieces--" + +I heard no more, for the vanguard had pushed him aside and was swooping +down upon me. A sharp-nosed lady led the way. She was within three +feet of the bed and was stretching out her hand to touch the proscribed +fabrics when I sat bolt upright and yelled: + +"Get out!" + +Afterwards I was told that the guide was the first to reach the bottom +of the stairs and that he narrowly escaped death in the avalanche of +horrified humanity that piled after him, pursued by the puissant ghost +of a six-year-old ancestor. + + + +CHAPTER V + +I MEET THE FOE AND FALL + +The post that morning, besides containing a telegram from Vienna +apprising me of the immediate embarkation of four irreproachable angels +in the guise of servants, brought a letter from my friends the Hazzards, +inquiring when my castle would be in shape to receive and discharge +house parties without subjecting them to an intermediate season of +peril from drafts, leaky roofs, damp sheets and vampires. + +They implored me to snatch them and one or two friends from the +unbearable heat of the city, if only for a few days, appending the sad +information that they were swiftly being reduced to grease spots. Dear +Elsie added a postscript of unusual briefness and clarity in which she +spelt grease with an e instead of an a, but managed to consign me to +purgatory if I permitted her to become a spot no larger than the inky +blot she naively deposited beside her signature, for all the world +like the seal on a death warrant. + +I sat down and looked about me in gloomy despair. No words can describe +the scene, unless we devote a whole page to repeating the word "dismal." +Devastation always appears to be more complete of a morning I have +observed in my years of experience. A plasterer's scaffolding that +looks fairly nobby at sunset is a grim, unsightly skeleton at +breakfast-time. A couple of joiners' horses, a matrix or two, a pile +of shavings and some sawed-off blocks scattered over the floor produce +a matutinal conception of chaos that hangs over one like a pall until +his aesthetic sense is beaten into subjection by the hammers of a +million demons in the guise of carpenters. Morning in the midst of +repairs is an awful thing! I looked, despaired and then dictated a +letter to the Hazzards, urging them to come at once with all their +sweltering friends! + +I needed some one to make me forget. + +At eleven o'clock, Poopendyke brought me a note from the chatelaine +of the east wing. It had been dropped into the courtyard from one of +the upper windows. The reading of it transformed me into a stern, +relentless demon. She very calmly announced that she had a headache +and couldn't think of being disturbed that day and probably not the +next. + +My mind was made up in an instant. I would not be put off by a +headache,--which was doubtless assumed for the occasion,--and I would +be master of my castle or know the reason why, etc. + +In the courtyard I found a score or more of idle artisans, banished +by the on-sweeping tourists and completely forgotten by me in the +excitement of the hour. Commanding them to fetch their files, saws, +broad-axes and augurs, I led the way to the mighty doors that barred +my entrance to the other side. Utterly ignoring the supplications of +Conrad Schmick and the ominous frowns of his two sons, we set about +filing off the padlocks, and chiselling through the wooden panels. I +stood over my toiling minions and I venture to say that they never +worked harder or faster in their lives. By twelve o'clock we had the +great doors open and swept on to the next obstruction. + +At two o'clock the last door in the east ante-chamber gave way before +our resolute advance and I stood victorious and dusty in the little +recess at the top of the last stairway. Beyond the twentieth century +portieres of a thirteenth century doorway lay the goal we sought. I +hesitated briefly before drawing them apart and taking the final plunge. +As a matter of fact, I was beginning to feel ashamed of myself. Suppose +that she _really_ had a headache! What an uncouth, pusillanimous +brute I-- + +Just then, even as my hand fell upon the curtains, they were snatched +aside and I found myself staring into the vivid, uptilted face of the +lady who had defied me and would continue to do so if my suddenly +active perceptions counted for anything. + +I saw nothing but the dark, indignant, imperious eyes. They fairly +withered me. + +In some haste, attended by the most disheartening nervousness, I tried +to find my cap to remove it in the presence of royalty. Unfortunately +I was obliged to release the somewhat cumbersome crowbar I had been +carrying about with me, and it dropped with a sullen thwack upon my +toes. In moments of gravity I am always doing something like that. The +pain was terrific, but I clutched at the forlorn hope that she might +at least smile over my agony. + +"I beg your pardon," I began, and then discovered that I was not wearing +a cap. It was most disconcerting. + +"So you _would_ come," she said, very coldly and very levelly. I have a +distinct recollection of shrinking. If you have ever tried to stand +flatly upon a foot whose toes are crimped by an excruciating pain you +may understand something of the added discomfiture that afflicted me. + +"It--it was necessary, madam," I replied as best I could. "You defied +me. I think you should have appreciated my position--my +motives--er--my--" + +She silenced me--luckily, heaven knows--with a curt exclamation. + +"Your position! It is intensely Napoleonic," said she with fine irony. +Her gaze swept my horde of panting, wide-eyed house-breakers. "What +a noble victory!" + +It was quite time for me to assert myself. Bowing very stiffly, I +remarked: + +"I regret exceedingly to have been forced to devastate my own property +in such a trifling enterprise, madam. The physical loss is +apparent,--you can see that for yourself,--but of course you have no +means of estimating the mental destruction that has been going on for +days and days. You have been hacking away at my poor, distracted brain +so persistently that it really had to give way. In a measure, this +should account for my present lapse of sanity. Weak-mindedness is not +a crime, but an affliction." + +She did not smile. + +"Well, now that you are here, Mr. Smart, may I be so bold as to inquire +what you are going to do about it?" + +I reflected. "I think, if you don't mind, I'll come in and sit down. +That was a deuce of a rap I got across the toes. I am sure to be a +great deal more lenient and agreeable if I'm _asked_ to come in and see +you. Incidentally, I thought I'd step up to inquire how your headache is +getting on. Better, I hope?" + +She turned her face away. I suspected a smile. + +"If you choose to bang your old castle to pieces, in order to satisfy +a masculine curiosity, Mr. Smart, I have nothing more to say," she +said, facing me again--still ominously, to my despair. Confound it +all, she was such a slim, helpless little thing--and all alone against +a mob of burly ruffians! I could have kicked myself, but even that +would have been an aimless enterprise in view of the fact that +Poopendyke or any of the others could have done it more accurately +than I and perhaps with greater respect. "Will you be good enough to +send your--your army away, or do you prefer to have it on hand in case +I should take it into my head to attack you?" + +"Take 'em away, Mr. Poopendyke," I commanded hurriedly. I didn't mind +Poopendyke hearing what she said, but it would be just like one of +those beggars to understand English--and also to misunderstand it. +"And take this beastly crowbar with you, too. It has served its purpose +nobly." + +Poopendyke looked his disappointment, and I was compelled to repeat +the order. As they crowded down the short, narrow stairway, I remarked +old Conrad and his two sons standing over against the wall, three very +sinister figures. They remained motionless. + +"I see, madam, that you do not dismiss _your_ army," I said, blandly +sarcastic. + +"Oh, you dear old Conrad!" she cried, catching sight of the hitherto +submerged Schmicks. The three of them bobbed and scraped and grinned +from ear to ear. There could be no mistaking the intensity of their +joy. "Don't look so sad, Conrad. I know you are blameless. You poor +old dear!" + +I have never seen any one who looked less sad than Conrad Schmick. Or +could it be possible that he was crying instead of laughing? In either +case I could not afford to have him doing it with such brazen +discourtesy to me, so I rather peremptorily ordered him below. + +"I will attend to you presently,--all of you," said I. They did not +move. "Do you hear me?" I snapped angrily. They looked stolidly at the +slim young lady. + +She smiled, rather proudly, I thought. "You may go, Conrad. I shall +not need you. Max, will you fetch up another scuttle of coal?" + +They took their orders from her! It even seemed to me that Max moved +swiftly, although it was doubtless a hallucination on my part, brought +about by nervous excitement. + +"By Jove!" I said, looking after my trusty men-servants as they +descended. "I like _this!_ Are they my servants or yours?" + +"Oh, I suppose they are yours, Mr. Smart," she said carelessly. "Will +you come in now, and make yourself quite at home?" + +"Perhaps I'd better wait for a day or two," said I, wavering. "Your +headache, you know. I can wait just as well as--" + +"Oh, no. Since you've gone to all the trouble I suppose you ought to +have something for your pains." + +"Pains?" I murmured, and I declare to heaven I limped as I followed +her through the door into a tiny hall. + +"You are a most unreasonable man," she said, throwing open a small +door at the end of the hall. "I am terribly disappointed in you. You +looked to be so nice and sensible and amiable." + +"Oh, I'm not such a nincompoop as you might suspect, madam," said I, +testily, far from complimented. I dislike being called nice, and +sometimes I think it a mistake to be sensible. A sensible person never +gets anything out of life because he has to avoid so much of it. + +"And now, Mr. Smart, will you be kind enough to explain this +incomprehensible proceeding on your part?" she said, facing me sternly. + +But I was dumb. I stood just inside the door of the most remarkable +apartment it has ever been my good fortune to look upon. My senses +reeled. Was I awake? Was this a part of the bleak, sinister, +weather-racked castle in which I was striving so hard to find a +comfortable corner? + +"Well?" she demanded relentlessly. + +"By the Lord Harry," I began, finding my tongue only to lose it again. +My bewilderment increased, and for an excellent reason. + +The room was completely furnished, bedecked and rendered habitable by +an hundred and one articles that were mysteriously missing from my +side of the castle. Rugs, tapestries, curtains of the rarest quality; +chairs, couches, and cushions; tables, cabinets and chests that would +have caused the eyes of the most conservative collector of antiques +to bulge with--not wonder--but greed; stands, pedestals, brasses, +bronzes, porcelains--but why enumerate? On the massive oaken centre +table stood the priceless silver vase we had missed on the second day +of our occupancy, and it was filled with fresh yellow roses. I sniffed. +Their fragrance filled the room. + +And so complete had been the rifling of my rooms by the devoted vandals +in their efforts to make this lady cosy and comfortable that they did +not overlook a silver-framed photograph of my dear mother! Her sweet +face met my gaze as it swept the mantel-piece, beneath which a coal +fire crackled merrily. I am not quite sure, but I think I repeated "by +the Lord Harry" once if not twice before I caught myself up. + +I tried to smile. "How--how cosy you are here," I said. + +"You couldn't expect me to live in this awful place without some of +the comforts and conveniences of life, Mr. Smart," she said defiantly. + +"Certainly not," I said, promptly. "I am sure that you will excuse me, +however, if I gloat. I was afraid we had lost all these things. You've +no idea how relieved I am to find them all safe and sound in my--in +their proper place. I was beginning to distrust the Schmicks. Now I +am convinced of their integrity." + +"I suppose you mean to be sarcastic." + +"Sarcasm at any price, madam, would be worse than useless, I am sure." + +Crossing to the fireplace, I selected a lump of coal from the scuttle +and examined it with great care. She watched me curiously. + +"Do you recognise it?" she asked. + +"I do," said I, looking up. "It has been in our family for generations. +My favourite chunk, believe me. Still, I part with it cheerfully." +Thereupon I tossed it into the fire. "Don't be shocked! I shan't miss +it. We have coals to burn, madam!" + +She looked at me soberly for a moment. There was something hurt and +wistful in her dark eyes. + +"Of course, Mr. Smart, I shall pay you for everything--down to the +smallest trifle--when the time comes for me to leave this place. I +have kept strict account of--" + +She turned away, with a beaten droop of the proud little head, and +again I was shamed. Never have I felt so grotesquely out of proportion +with myself as at that moment. My stature seemed to increase from an +even six feet to something like twelve, and my bulk became elephantine. +She was so slender, so lissom, so weak, and I so gargantuan, so +gorilla-like, so heavy-handed! And I had come gaily up to crush her! +What a fine figure of a man I was! + +She did not complete the sentence, but walked slowly toward the window. +I had a faint glimpse of a dainty lace handkerchief fiercely clutched +in a little hand. + +By nature I am chivalrous, even gallant. You may have reason to doubt +it, but it is quite true. As I've never had a chance to be chivalrous +except in my dreams or my imagination, I made haste to seize this +opportunity before it was too late. "Madam," I said, with considerable +feeling. "I have behaved like a downright rotter to-day. I do not know +who you are, nor why you are here, but I assure you it is of no real +consequence if you will but condescend to overlook my insufferable--" + +She turned towards me. The wistful, appealing look still lingered in +her eyes. The soft red nether lip seemed a bit tremulous. + +"I _am_ an intruder," she interrupted, smiling faintly. "You have every +right to put me out of your--your home, Mr. Smart. I was a horrid pig to +deprive you of all your nice comfortable chairs and--" + +"I--I haven't missed them." + +"Don't you ever sit down?" + +"I will sit down if you'll let me," said I, feeling that I wouldn't +appear quite so gigantic if I was sitting. + +"Please do. The chairs all belong to you." + +"I'm sorry you put it in that way. They are yours as long as you choose +to--to occupy a furnished apartment here." + +"I have been very selfish, and cattish, and inconsiderate, Mr. Smart. +You see, I'm a spoilt child. I've always had my own way in everything. +You must look upon me as a very horrid, sneaking, conspiring person, +and I--I really think you ought to turn me out." + +She came a few steps nearer. Under the circumstances I could not sit +down. So I stood towering above her, but somehow going through a process +of physical and mental shrinkage the longer I remained confronting her. + +Suddenly it was revealed to me that she was the loveliest woman I had +ever seen in all my life! How could I have been so slow in grasping +this great, bewildering truth? The prettiest woman I had ever looked +upon! Of course I had known it from the first instant that I looked +into her eyes, but I must have been existing in a state of stupefaction +up to this illuminating moment. + +I am afraid that I stared. + +"Turn you out?" I cried. "Turn you out of this delightful room after +you've had so much trouble getting it into shape? Never!" + +"Oh, you don't know how I've imposed upon you!" she cried plaintively. +"You don't know how I've robbed you, and bothered you--" + +"Yes, I do," said I promptly. "I know all about it. You've been stealing +my coals, my milk, my ice, my potatoes, my servants, my sleep and +"--here I gave a comprehensive sweep of my hand--"everything in sight. +And you've made us walk on tip-toe to keep from waking the baby, and--" +I stopped suddenly. "By the way, whose baby is it? Not yours, I'm +sure." + +To my surprise her eyes filled with tears. + +"Yes. She is my baby, Mr. Smart." + +My face fell. "Oh!" said I, and got no further for a moment or two. +"I--I--please don't tell me you are married!" + +"What would you think of me if I were to tell you I'm not?" she cried +indignantly. + +"I beg your pardon," I stammered, blushing to the roots of my hair. +"Stupid ass!" I muttered. + +Crossing to the fireplace, she stood looking down into the coals for +a long time, while I remained where I was, an awkward, gauche spectator, +conscious of having put my clumsiest foot into my mouth every time I +opened it and wondering whether I could now safely get it out again +without further disaster. + +Her back was toward me. She was dressed in a dainty, pinkish house +gown--or maybe it was light blue. At any rate it was a very pretty +gown and she was wonderfully graceful in it. Ordinarily in my fiction +I am quite clever at describing gowns that do not exist; but when it +comes to telling what a real woman is wearing, I am not only as vague +as a savage, but painfully stupid about colors. Still, I think it was +pink. I recall the way her soft brown hair grew above the slender neck, +and the lovely white skin; the smooth, delicate contour of her +half-averted cheek and the firm little chin with the trembling red +lips above it; the shapely back and shoulders and the graceful curves +of her hips, suggestive of a secret perfection. She was taller than +I had thought at first sight, or was it that I seemed to be getting +smaller myself? A hasty bit of comparison placed her height at five +feet six, using my own as something to go by. She couldn't have been +a day over twenty-two. But she had a baby! + +Facing me once more she said: "If you will sit down, Mr. Smart, and +be patient and generous with me, I shall try to explain everything. +You have a right to demand it of me, and I shall feel more comfortable +after it is done." + +I drew up a chair beside the table and sat down. She sank gracefully +into another, facing me. A delicate frown appeared on her brow. + +"Doubtless you are very much puzzled by my presence in this gloomy old +castle. You have been asking yourself a thousand questions about me, +and you have been shocked by my outrageous impositions upon your good +nature. I confess I have been shockingly impudent and--" + +"Pardon me; you are the only sauce I've had for an excessively bad +bargain." + +"Please do not interrupt me," she said coldly. "I am here, Mr. Smart, +because it is the last place in the world where my husband would be +likely to look for me." + +"Your husband? Look for you?" + +"Yes. I shall be quite frank with you. My husband and I have separated. +A provisional divorce was granted, however, just seven months ago. The +final decree cannot be issued for one year." + +"But why should you hide from him?" + +"The--the court gave him the custody of our child during the +probationary year. I--I have run away with her. They are looking for +me everywhere. That is why I came here. Do you understand?" + +I was stunned. "Then, I take it, the court granted _him_ the divorce and +not you," I said, experiencing a sudden chill about the heart. "You were +deprived of the child, I see. Dear me!" + +"You are mistaken," she said, a flash in her eyes. "It was an Austrian +court. The Count--my husband, I should say--is an Austrian subject. +His interests must be protected." She said this with a sneer on her +pretty lips. "You see, my father, knowing him now for what he really +is, has refused to pay over to him something like a million dollars, +still due for the marriage settlement. The Count contends that it is +a just and legal debt and the court supports him to this extent: the +child is to be his until the debt is cleared up, or something to that +effect. I really don't understand the legal complications involved. +Perhaps it were better if I did." + +"I see," said I, scornful in spite of myself. "One of those happy +international marriages where a bride is thrown in for good measure +with a couple of millions. Won't we ever learn!" + +"That's it precisely," she said, with the utmost calmness and candour. +"American dollars and an American girl in exchange for a title, a lot +of debts and a ruined life." + +"And they always turn out just this way. What a lot of blithering fools +we have in the land of the free and the home of the knave!" + +"My father objected to the whole arrangement from the first, so you +must not speak of him as a knave," she protested. "He doesn't like +Counts and such things." + +"I don't see that it helps matters. I can hardly substitute the word +'brave' for the one I used," said I, trying to conceal my disgust. + +"Please don't misunderstand me, Mr. Smart," she said haughtily. "I am +not asking for pity. I made my bed and I shall lie in it. The only +thing I ask of you is--well, kindness." + +She seemed to falter again, and once more I was at her feet, +figuratively speaking. + +"You are in distress, in dread of something, madam," I cried. "Consider +me your friend." + +She shook her head ruefully. "You poor man! You don't know what you +are in for, I fear. Wait till I have told you everything. Three weeks +ago, I laid myself liable to imprisonment and heaven knows what else +by abducting my little girl. That is really what it comes to--abduction. +The court has ordered my arrest, and all sorts of police persons are +searching high and low for me. Now don't you see your peril? If they +find me here, you will be in a dreadful predicament. You will be charged +with criminal complicity, or whatever it is called, and--Oh, it will +be frightfully unpleasant for you, Mr. Smart." + +My expression must have convicted me. She couldn't help seeing the +dismay in my face. So she went on, quite humbly. + +"Of course you have but to act at once and all may be well for you. +I--I will go if you--if you command me to--" + +I struck my knee forcibly. "What do you take me for, madam? Hang the +consequences! If you feel that you are safe here--that is, comparatively +safe,--_stay!_" + +"It will be terrible if you get into trouble with the law," she murmured +in distress. "I--I really don't know what might happen to you." Still +her eyes brightened. Like all the rest of her ilk, she was selfish. + +I tried to laugh, but it was a dismal failure. After all, wasn't it +likely to prove a most unpleasant matter? I felt the chill moisture +breaking out on my forehead. + +"Pray do not consider my position at all," I managed to say, with a +resolute assumption of gallantry. "I--I shall be perfectly able to +look out for myself,--that is, to explain everything if it should come +to the worst." I could not help adding, however: "I certainly hope, +however, that they don't get on to your trail and--" I stopped in +confusion. + +"And find me here?" she completed gloomily. + +"And take the child away from you," I made haste to explain. + +A fierce light flamed in her eyes. "I should--kill--some one before +that could happen," she cried out, clenching her hands. + +"I--I beg of you, madam, don't work yourself into a--a state," I +implored, in considerable trepidation. "Nothing like that can happen, +believe me. I--" + +"Oh, what do you know about it?" she exclaimed, with most unnecessary +vehemence, I thought. "He wants the child and--and--well, you can see +why he wants her, can't you? He is making the most desperate efforts +to recover her. Max says the newspapers are full of the--the scandal. +They are depicting me as a brainless, law-defying American without +sense of love, honour or respect. I don't mind that, however. It is +to be expected. They all describe the Count as a long-suffering, +honourable, dreadfully maltreated person, and are doing what they can +to help him in the prosecution of the search. My mother, who is in +Paris, is being shadowed; my two big brothers are being watched; my +lawyers in Vienna are being trailed everywhere--oh, it is really a +most dreadful thing. But--but I will not give her up! She is mine. He +doesn't love her. He doesn't love me. He doesn't love anything in the +world but himself and his cigarettes. I know, for I've paid for his +cigarettes for nearly three years. He has actually ridiculed me in +court circles, he has defamed me, snubbed me, humiliated me, cursed +me. You cannot imagine what it has been like. Once he struck me in--" + +"Struck you!" I cried. + +"--in the presence of his sister and her husband. But I must not +distress you with sordid details. Suffice it to say, I turned at last +like the proverbial worm. I applied for a divorce ten months ago. It +was granted, provisionally as I say. He is a degenerate. He was +unfaithful to me in every sense of the word. But in spite of all that, +the court in granting me the separation, took occasion to placate +national honour by giving him the child during the year, pending the +final disposition of the case. Of course, everything depends on father's +attitude in respect to the money. You see what I mean? A month ago I +heard from friends in Vienna that he was shamefully neglecting our--my +baby, so I took this awful, this perfectly bizarre way of getting her +out of his hands. Possession is nine points in the law, you see. I--' + +"Alas!" interrupted I, shaking my head. "There is more than one way +to look at the law. I'm afraid you have got yourself into a +serious--er--pickle."' + +"I don't care," she said defiantly. "It is the law's fault for not +prohibiting such marriages as ours. Oh, I know I must seem awfully +foolish and idiotic to you, but--but it's too late now to back out, +isn't it?" + +I did not mean to say it, but I did--and I said it with some conviction: +"It is! You _must_ be protected." + +"Thank you, thank you!" she cried, clasping and unclasping her little +hands. I found myself wondering if the brute had dared to strike her +on that soft, pink cheek! + +Suddenly a horrible thought struck me with stunning force. + +"Don't tell me that your--your husband is the man who owned this castle +up to a week ago," I cried. "Count James Hohendahl?" + +She shook her head. "No. He is not the man." Seeing that I waited for +her to go on, she resumed: "I know Count James quite well, however. +He is my husband's closest friend." + +"Good heaven," said I, in quick alarm. "That complicates matters, +doesn't it? He may come here at any time." + +"It isn't likely, Mr. Smart. To be perfectly honest with you, I waited +until I heard you had bought the castle before coming here myself. We +were in hiding at the house of a friend in Linz up to a week ago. I +did not think it right or fair to subject them to the notoriety or the +peril that was sure to follow if the officers took it into their heads +to look for me there. The day you bought the castle, I decided that +it was the safest place for me to stay until the danger blows over, +or until father can arrange to smuggle me out of this awful country. +That very night we were brought here in a motor. Dear old Conrad and +Mrs. Schmick took me in. They have been perfectly adorable, all of +them." + +"May I enquire, madam," said I stiffly, "how you came to select my +abode as your hiding place?" + +"Oh, I have forgotten to tell you that we lived here one whole summer +just after we were married. Count Hohendahl let us have the castle for +our--our honey-moon. He was here a great deal of the time. All sorts +of horrid, nasty, snobbish people were here to help us enjoy our +honeymoon. I shall never forget that dreadful summer. My only friends +were the Schmicks. Every one else ignored and despised me, and they +all borrowed, won or stole money from me. I was compelled to play +bridge for atrociously high stakes without knowing one card from the +other. But, as I say, the Schmicks loved me. You see they were in the +family ages and ages before I was born." + +"The family? What family?" + +"The Rothhoefen family. Haven't they told you that my great-grandmother +was a Rothhoefen? No? Well, she was. I belong to the third generation +of American-born descendants. Doesn't it simplify matters, knowing +this?" + +"Immensely," said I, in something of a daze. + +"And so I came here, Mr. Smart, where hundreds of my ancestors spent +their honeymoons, most of them perhaps as unhappily as I, and where +I knew a fellow-countryman was to live for awhile in order to get a +plot for a new story. You see, I thought I might be a great help to +you in the shape of suggestion." + +She smiled very warmly, and I thought it was a very neat way of putting +it. Naturally it would be quite impossible to put her out after hearing +that she had already put herself out to some extent in order to assist +me. + +"I can supply the villain for your story if you need one, and I can +give you oceans of ideas about noblemen. I am sorry that I can't give +you a nice, sweet heroine. People hate heroines after they are married +and live unhappily. You--" + +"The public taste is changing," I interrupted quickly. "Unhappy +marriages are so common nowadays that the women who go into 'em are +always heroines. People like to read about suffering and anguish among +the rich, too. Besides, you are a Countess. That puts you near the +first rank among heroines. Don't you think it would be proper at this +point to tell me who you are?" + +She regarded me steadfastly for a moment, and then shook her head. + +"I'd rather not tell you my name, Mr. Smart. It really can't matter, +you know. I've thought it all out very carefully, and I've decided +that it is not best for you to know. You see if you don't know who it +is you are sheltering, the courts can't hold you to account. You will +be quite innocent of deliberately contriving to defeat the law. No, +I shall not tell you my name, nor my husband's, nor my father's. If +you'd like to know, however, I will tell you my baby's name. She's two +years old and I think she'll like you to call her Rosemary." + +By this time I was quite hypnotised by this charming, confident +trespasser upon my physical--and I was about to say my moral estate. +Never have I known a more complacent violater of all the proprieties +of law and order as she appeared to be. She was a revelation; more +than that, she was an inspiration. What a courageous, independent, +fascinating little buccaneer she was! Her calm tone of assurance, her +overwhelming confidence in herself, despite the occasional lapse into +despair, staggered me. I couldn't help being impressed. If I had had +any thought of ejecting her, bag and baggage, from my castle, it had +been completely knocked out of my head and I was left, you might say, +in a position which gave me no other alternative than to consider +myself a humble instrument in the furthering of her ends, whether I +would or no. It was most amazing. Superior to the feeling of scorn I +naturally felt for her and her kind,--the fools who make international +beds and find them filled with thorns,--there was the delicious +sensation of being able to rise above my prejudices and become a willing +conspirator against that despot, Common Sense. + +She was very sure of herself, that was plain; and I am positive that +she was equally sure of me. It isn't altogether flattering, either, +to feel that a woman is so sure of you that there isn't any doubt +concerning her estimate of your offensive strength. Somehow one feels +an absence of physical attractiveness. + +"Rosemary," I repeated. "And what am I to call you?" + +"Even my enemies call me Countess," she said coldly. + +"Oh," said I, more respectfully. "I see. When am I to have the pleasure +of meeting the less particular Rosemary?" + +"I didn't mean to be horrid," she said plaintively. "Please overlook +it, Mr. Smart. If you are very, very quiet I think you may see her +now. She is asleep." + +"I may frighten her if she awakes," I said in haste, remembering my +antipathy to babies. + +Nevertheless I was led through a couple of bare, unfurnished rooms +into a sunny, perfectly adorable nursery. A nursemaid,--English, at +a glance,--arose from her seat in the window and held a cautious finger +to her lips. In the middle of a bed that would have accommodated an +entire family, was the sleeping Rosemary--a tiny, rosy-cheeked, yellow +haired atom bounded on four sides by yards of mattress. + +I stood over her timorously and stared. The Countess put one knee upon +the mattress and, leaning far over, kissed a little paw. I blinked, +like a confounded booby. + +Then we stole out of the room. + +"Isn't she adorable?" asked the Countess when we were at a safe +distance. + +"They all are," I said grudgingly, "when they're asleep." + +"You are horrid!" + +"By the way," I said sternly, "how does that bedstead happen to be a +yard or so lower than any other bed in this entire castle? All the +rest of them are so high one has to get into them from a chair." + +"Oh," she said complacently, "it was too high for Blake to manage +conveniently, so I had Rudolph saw the legs off short." + +One of my very finest antique bedsteads! But I didn't even groan. + +"You will let me stay on, won't you, Mr. Smart?" she said, when we +were at the fireplace again. "I am really so helpless, you know." + +I offered her everything that the castle afforded in the way of loyalty +and luxury. + +"And we'll have a telephone in the main hall before the end of a week," +I concluded beamingly. + +Her face clouded. "Oh, I'd much rather have it in my hallway, if you +don't mind. You see, I can't very well go downstairs every time I want +to use the 'phone, and it will be a nuisance sending for me when I'm +wanted." + +This was rather high-handed, I thought. + +"But if no one knows you're here, it seems to me you're not likely to +be called." + +"You never can tell," she said mysteriously. + +I promised to put the instrument in her hall, and not to have an +extension to my rooms for fear of creating suspicion. Also the electric +bell system was to be put in just as she wanted it to be. And a lot +of other things that do not seem to come to mind at this moment. + +I left in a daze at half-past three, to send Britton up with all the +late novels and magazines, and a big box of my special cigarettes. + + + +CHAPTER VI + +I DISCUSS MATRIMONY + +Poopendyke and I tried to do a little work that evening, but neither +of us seemed quite capable of concentration. We said "I beg pardon" +to each other a dozen times or more, following mental lapses, and then +gave it up. My ideas failed in consecutiveness, and when I did succeed +in hitching two intelligent thoughts together he invariably destroyed +the sequence by compelling me to repeat myself, with the result that +I became irascible. + +We had gone over the events of the day very thoroughly. If anything, +he was more alarmed over our predicament than I. He seemed to sense +the danger that attended my decision to shelter and protect this +cool-headed, rather self-centred young woman at the top of my castle. +To me, it was something of a lark; to him, a tragedy. He takes +everything seriously, so much so in fact that he gets on my nerves. +I wish he were not always looking at things through the little end of +the telescope. I like a change, and it is a novelty to sometimes see +things through the big end, especially peril. + +"They will yank us all up for aiding and abetting," he proclaimed, +trying to focus his eyes on the shorthand book he was fumbling. + +"You wouldn't have me turn her over to the law, would you?" I demanded +crossly. "Please don't forget that we are Americans." + +"I don't," said he. "That's what worries me most of all." + +"Well," said I loftily, "we'll see." + +We were silent for a long time. + +"It must be horribly lonely and spooky away up there where she is," +I said at last, inadvertently betraying my thoughts. He sniffed. + +"Have you a cold?" I demanded, glaring at him. + +"No," he said gloomily; "a presentiment." + +"Umph!" + +Another period of silence. Then: "I wonder if Max--" I stopped short. + +"Yes, sir," he said, with wonderful divination. "He did." + +"Any message?" + +"She sent down word that the new cook is a jewel, but I think she must +have been jesting. I've never cared for a man cook myself. I don't +like to appear hypercritical, but what did you think of the dinner +tonight, sir?" + +"I've never tasted better broiled ham in my life, Mr. Poopendyke." + +"Ham! That's it, Mr. Smart. But what I'd like to know is this: What +became of the grouse you ordered for dinner, sir? I happen to know +that it was put over the fire at seven--" + +"I sent it up to the countess, with our compliments," said I, peevishly. +I think that remark silenced him. At any rate, he got up and left the +room. + +I laid awake half the night morbidly berating the American father who +is so afraid of his wife that he lets her bully him into sacrificing +their joint flesh and blood upon the altar of social ambition. She had +said that her father was opposed to the match from the beginning. Then +why, in the name of heaven, wasn't he man enough to put a stop to it? +Why--But what use is there in applying whys to a man who doesn't know +what God meant when He fashioned two sexes? I put him down as neutral +and tried my best to forget him. + +But I couldn't forget the daughter of this browbeaten American father. +There was something singularly familiar about her exquisite face, a +conviction on my part that is easily accounted for. Her portrait, of +course, had been published far and wide at the time of the wedding; +she must have been pictured from every conceivable angle, with +illimitable gowns, hats, veils and parasols, and I certainly could not +have missed seeing her, even with half an eye. But for the life of me, +I couldn't connect her with any of the much-talked-of international +marriages that came to mind as I lay there going over the meagre +assortment I was able to recall. I went to sleep wondering whether +Poopendyke's memory was any better than mine. He is tremendously +interested in the financial doings of our country, being the possessor +of a flourishing savings' account, and as he also possesses a lively +sense of the ridiculous, it was not unreasonable to suspect that he +might remember all the details of this particular transaction in stocks +and bonds. + +The next morning I set my labourers to work putting guest-rooms into +shape for the coming of the Hazzards and the four friends who were to +be with them for the week as my guests. They were to arrive on the +next day but one, which gave me ample time to consult a furniture +dealer. I would have to buy at least six new beds and everything else +with which to comfortably equip as many bed-chambers, it being a +foregone conclusion that not even the husbands and wives would +condescend to "double up" to oblige me. The expensiveness of this +ill-timed visit had not occurred to me at the outset. Still there was +some prospect of getting the wholesale price. On one point I was +determined; the workmen should not be laid off for a single hour, not +even if my guests went off in a huff. + +At twelve I climbed the tortuous stairs leading to the Countess's +apartments. She opened the door herself in response to my rapping. + +"I neglected to mention yesterday that I am expecting a houseful of +guests in a day or two," I said, after she had given me a very cordial +greeting. + +"Guests?" she cried in dismay. "Oh, dear! Can't you put them off?" + +"I have hopes that they won't be able to stand the workmen banging +around all day," I confessed, somewhat guiltily. + +"Women in the party?" + +"Two, I believe. Both married and qualified to express opinions." + +"They will be sure to nose me out," she said ruefully. "Women are +dreadful nosers." + +"Don't worry," I said. "We'll get a lot of new padlocks for the doors +downstairs and you'll be as safe as can be, if you'll only keep quiet." + +"But I don't see why I should be made to mope here all day and all +night like a sick cat, holding my hand over Rosemary's mouth when she +wants to cry, and muzzling poor Jinko so that he--" + +"My dear Countess," I interrupted sternly, "you should not forget that +these other guests of mine are invited here." + +"But I was here first," she argued. "It is most annoying." + +"I believe you said yesterday that you are in the habit of having your +own way." She nodded her head. "Well, I am afraid you'll have to come +down from your high horse--at least temporarily." + +"Oh, I see. You--you mean to be very firm and domineering with me." + +"You must try to see things from my point of--" + +"Please don't say that!" she flared. "I'm so tired of hearing those +words. For the last three years I've been _commanded_ to see things from +some one else's point of view, and I'm sick of the expression." + +"For heaven's sake, don't put me in the same boat with your husband!" + +She regarded me somewhat frigidly for a moment longer, and then a slow, +witching smile crept into her eyes. + +"I sha'n't," she promised, and laughed outright. + +"Do forgive me, Mr. Smart. I am such a piggy thing. I'll try to be +nice and sensible, and I will be as still as a mouse all the time +they're here. But you must promise to come up every day and give me +the gossip. You _can_ steal up, can't you? Surreptitiously?" + +"Clandestinely," I said, gravely. + +"I really ought to warn you once more about getting yourself involved," +she said pointedly. + +"Oh, I'm quite a safe old party," I assured her. "They couldn't make +capital of me." + +"The grouse was delicious," she said, deliberately changing the subject. +Nice divorcees are always doing that. + +We fell into a discussion of present and future needs; of ways and +means for keeping my friends utterly in the dark concerning her presence +in the abandoned east wing; and of what we were pleased to allude to +as "separate maintenance," employing a phrase that might have been +considered distasteful and even banal under ordinary conditions. + +"I've been trying to recall all of the notable marriages we had in New +York three years ago," said I, after she had most engagingly reduced +me to a state of subjection in the matter of three or four moot +questions that came up for settlement. "You don't seem to fit in with +any of the international affairs I can bring to mind." + +"You promised you wouldn't bother about that, Mr. Smart," she said +severely. + +"Of course you _were_ married in New York?" + +"In a very nice church just off Fifth Avenue, if that will help you +any," she said. "The usual crowd inside the church, and the usual mob +outside, all fighting for a glimpse of me in my wedding shroud, and +for a chance to see a real Hungarian nobleman. It really was a very +magnificent wedding, Mr. Smart." She seemed to be unduly proud of the +spectacular sacrifice. + +A knitted brow revealed the obfuscated condition of my brain. I was +thinking very intently, not to say remotely. + +"The whole world talked about it," she went on dreamily. "We had a +real prince for the best man, and two of the ushers couldn't speak a +word of English. Don't you remember that the police closed the streets +in the neighbourhood of the church and wouldn't let people spoil +everything by going about their business as they were in the habit of +doing? Some of the shops sold window space to sight-seers, just as +they do at a coronation." + +"I daresay all this should let in light, but it doesn't." + +"Don't you read the newspapers?" she cried impatiently. She actually +resented my ignorance. + +"Religiously," I said, stung to revolt. "But I make it a point never +to read the criminal news." + +"Criminal news?" she gasped, a spot of red leaping to her cheek. "What +do you mean?" + +"It is merely my way of saying that I put marriages of that character +in the category of crime." + +"Oh!" she cried, staring at me with unbelieving eyes. + +"Every time a sweet, lovely American girl is delivered into the hands +of a foreign bounder who happens to possess a title that needs fixing, +I call the transaction a crime that puts white slavery in a class with +the most trifling misdemeanours. You did not love this pusillanimous +Count, nor did he care a hang for you. You were too young in the ways +of the world to have any feeling for him, and he was too old to have +any for you. The whole hateful business therefore resolved itself into +a case of give and take--and he took everything. He took you and your +father's millions and now you are both back where you began. Some one +deliberately committed a crime, and as it wasn't you or the Count, +who levied his legitimate toll,--it must have been the person who +planned the conspiracy. I take it, of course, that the whole affair +was arranged behind your back, so to speak. To make it a perfectly +fashionable and up-to-date delivery it would have been entirely out +of place to consult the unsophisticated girl who was thrown in to make +the title good. You were not sold to this bounder. It was the other +way round. By the gods, madam, he was actually paid to take you!" + +Her face was quite pale. Her eyes did not leave mine during the long +and crazy diatribe,--of which I was already beginning to feel heartily +ashamed,--and there was a dark, ominous fire in them that should have +warned me. + +She arose from her chair. It seemed to me she was taller than before. + +"If nothing else came to me out of this transaction," she said levelly, +"at least a certain amount of dignity was acquired. Pray remember that +I am no longer the unsophisticated girl you so graciously describe. +I am a woman, Mr. Smart." + +"True," said I, senselessly dogged; "a woman with the power to think +for yourself. That is my point. If the same situation arose at your +present age, I fancy you'd be able to select a husband without +assistance, and I venture to say you wouldn't pick up the first +dissolute nobleman that came your way. No, my dear countess, you were +not to blame. You thought, as your parents did, that marriage with a +count would make a real countess of you. What rot! You are a simple, +lovable American girl and that's all there ever can be to it. To the +end of your days you will be an American. It is not within the powers +of a scape-grace count to put you or any other American girl on a plane +with the women who are born countesses, or duchesses, or anything of +the sort. I don't say that you suffer by comparison with these noble +ladies. As a matter of fact you are surpassingly finer in every way +than ninety-nine per cent. of them,--poor things! Marrying an English +duke doesn't make a genuine duchess out of an American girl, not by +a long shot. She merely becomes a figure of speech. Your own experience +should tell you that. Well, it's the same with all of them. They acquire +a title, but not the homage that should go with it." + +We were both standing now. She was still measuring me with somewhat +incredulous eyes, rather more tolerant than resentful. + +"Do you expect me to agree with you, Mr. Smart?" she asked. + +"I do," said I, promptly. "You, of all people, should be able to testify +that my views are absolutely right." + +"They are right," she said, simply. "Still you are pretty much of a +brute to insult me with them." + +"I most sincerely crave your pardon, if it isn't too late," I cried, +abject once more. (I don't know what gets into me once in a while.) + +"The safest way, I should say, is for neither of us to express an +opinion so long as we are thrown into contact with each other. If you +choose to tell the world what you think of me, all well and good. But +please don't tell _me_." + +"I can't convince the world what I think of you for the simple reason +that I'd be speaking at random. I don't know who you are." + +"Oh, you will know some day," she said, and her shoulders drooped a +little. + +"I've--I've done a most cowardly, despicable thing in hunting you--" + +"Please! Please don't say anything more about it. I dare say you've +done me a lot of good. Perhaps I shall see things a little more clearly. +To be perfectly honest with you, I went into this marriage with my you +his queen? You'll find it better than being a countess, believe me." + +"I shall never marry, Mr. Smart," she said with decision. "Never, never +again will I get into a mess that is so hard to get out of. I can say +this to you because I've heard you are a bachelor. You can't take +offence." + +"I fondly hope to die a bachelor," said I with humility. + +"God bless you!" she cried, bursting into a merry laugh, and I knew +that a truce had been declared for the time being at least. "And now +let us talk sense. Have you carefully considered the consequences if +you are found out, Mr. Smart?" + +"Found out?" + +"If you are caught shielding a fugitive from justice. I couldn't go +to sleep for hours last night thinking of what might happen to you +if--" + +"Nonsense!" I cried, but for the life of me I couldn't help feeling +elated. She _had_ a soul above self, after all! + +"You see, I am a thief and a robber and a very terrible malefactor, +according to the reports Max brings over from the city. The fight for +poor little Rosemary is destined to fill columns and columns in the +newspapers of the two continents for months to come. You, Mr. Smart, +may find yourself in the thick of it. If I were in your place, I should +keep out of it." + +"While I am not overjoyed by the prospect of being dragged into it, +Countess, I certainly refuse to back out at this stage of the game. +Moreover, you may rest assured that I shall not turn you out." + +"It occurred to me last night that the safest thing for you to do, Mr. +Smart, is to--to get out yourself." + +I stared. She went on hurriedly: "Can't you go away for a month's visit +or--" + +"Well, upon my soul!" I gasped. "Would you turn me out of my own house? +This beats anything I've--" + +"I was only thinking of your peace of mind and your--your safety," +she cried unhappily. "Truly, truly I was." + +"Well, I prefer to stay here and do what little I can to shield you +and Rosemary," said I sullenly. + +"I'll not say anything horrid again, Mr. Smart," she said quite meekly. +(I take this occasion to repeat that I've never seen any one in all +my life so pretty as she!) Her moist red lip trembled slightly, like +a censured child's. + +At that instant there came a rapping on the door. I started +apprehensively. + +"It is only Max with the coal," she explained, with obvious relief. +"We keep a fire going in the grate all day long. You've no idea how +cold it is up here even on the hottest days. Come in!" + +Max came near to dropping the scuttle when he saw me. He stood as one +petrified. + +"Don't mind Mr. Smart, Max," said she serenely. "He won't bite your +head off." + +The poor clumsy fellow spilled quantities of coal over the hearth when +he attempted to replenish the fire at her command, and moved with +greater celerity in making his escape from the room than I had ever +known him to exercise before. Somehow I began to regain a lost feeling +of confidence in myself. The confounded Schmicks, big and little, were +afraid of me, after all. + +"By the way," she said, after we had lighted our cigarettes, "I am +nearly out of these." I liked the way she held the match for me, and +then flicked it snappily into the centre of a pile of cushions six +feet from the fireplace. + +I made a mental note of the shortage and then admiringly said that I +didn't see how any man, even a count could help adoring a woman who +held a cigarette to her lips as she did. + +"Oh," said she coolly, "his friends were willing worshippers, all of +them. There wasn't a man among them who failed to make violent love +to me, and with the Count's permission at that. You must not look so +shocked. I managed to keep them at a safe distance. My unreasonable +attitude toward them used to annoy my husband intensely." + +"Good Lord!" + +"Pooh! He didn't care what became of me. There was one particular man +whom he favoured the most. A dreadful man! We quarrelled bitterly when +I declared that either he or I would have to leave the house--forever. +I don't mind confessing to you that the man I speak of is your friend, +the gentle Count Hohendahl, some time ogre of this castle." + +I shuddered. A feeling of utter loathing for all these unprincipled +scoundrels came over me, and I mildly took the name of the Lord in +vain. + +With an abrupt change of manner, she arose from her chair and began +to pace the floor, distractedly beating her clinched hands against her +bosom. Twice I heard her murmur: "Oh, God!" + +This startling exposition of feeling gave me a most uncanny shock. It +came out of a clear sky, so to say, at a moment when I was beginning +to regard her as cold-blooded, callous, and utterly without the emotions +supposed to exist in the breast of every high-minded woman. And now +I was witness to the pain she suffered, now I heard her cry out against +the thing that had hurt her so pitilessly. I turned my head away, +vastly moved. Presently she moved over to the window. A covert glance +revealed her standing there, looking not down at the Danube that seemed +so far away but up at the blue sky that seemed so near. + +I sat very still and repressed, trying to remember the harsh, unkind +things I had said to her, and berating myself fiercely for all of them. +What a stupid, vainglorious ass I was, not to have divined something +of the inward fight she was making to conquer the emotions that filled +her heart unto the bursting point. + +The sound of dry, suppressed sobs came to my ears. It was too much for +me. I stealthily quit my position by the mantel-piece and tip-toed +toward the door, bent on leaving her alone. Half-way there I hesitated, +stopped and then deliberately returned to the fireplace, where I noisily +shuffled a fresh supply of coals into the grate. It would be heartless, +even unmannerly, to leave her without letting her know that I was +heartily ashamed of myself and completely in sympathy with her. Wisely, +however, I resolved to let her have her cry out. Some one a great deal +more far-seeing than I let the world into a most important secret when +he advised man to take that course when in doubt. + +For a long while I waited for her to regain control of herself, rather +dreading the apology she would feel called upon to make for her abrupt +reversion to the first principles of her sex. The sobs ceased entirely. +I experienced the sharp joy of relaxation. Her dainty lace handkerchief +found employment. First she would dab it cautiously in one eye, then +the other, after which she would scrutinise its crumpled surface with +most extraordinary interest. At least a dozen times she repeated this +puzzling operation. What in the world was she looking for? To this +day, that strange, sly peeking on her part remains a mystery to me. + +She turned swiftly upon me and beckoned with her little forefinger. +Greatly concerned, I sprang toward her. Was she preparing to swoon? +What in heaven's name was I to do if she took it into her pretty head +to do such a thing as that? Involuntarily I shot a quick look at her +blouse. To my horror it was buttoned down the back. It would be a +bachelor's luck to--But she was smiling radiantly. Saved! + +"Look!" she cried, pointing upward through the window. "Isn't she +lovely?" + +I stopped short in my tracks and stared at her in blank amazement. +What a stupefying creature she was! + +She beckoned again, impatiently. I obeyed with alacrity. Obtaining a +rather clear view of her eyes, I was considerably surprised to find +no trace of departed tears. Her cheek was as smooth and creamy white +as it had been before the deluge. Her eyelids were dry and orderly and +her nose had not been blown once to my recollection. Truly, it was a +marvellous recovery. I still wonder. + +The cause of her excitement was visible at a glance. A trim nurse-maid +stood in the small gallery which circled the top of the turret, just +above and to the right of us. She held in her arms the pink-hooded, +pink-coated Rosemary, made snug against the chill winds of her lofty +parade ground. Her yellow curls peeped out from beneath the lace of +the hood, and her round little cheeks were the colour of the peach's +bloom. + +"Now, _isn't_ she lovely?" cried my eager companion. + +"Even a crusty bachelor can see that she is adorable." + +"I am not a crusty bachelor," I protested indignantly, "and what's +more, I am positive I should like to kiss those red little cheeks, +which is saying a great deal for me. I've never voluntarily kissed a +baby in my life." + +"I do not approve of the baby-kissing custom," she said severely. "It +is extremely unhealthy and--middle-class. Still," seeing my expression +change, "I sha'n't mind your kissing her once." + +"Thanks," said I humbly. + +It was plain to be seen that she did not intend to refer to the recent +outburst. Superb exposition of tact! + +Catching the nurse's eye, she signalled for her to bring the child +down to us. Rosemary took to me at once. A most embarrassing thing +happened. On seeing me she held out her chubby arms and shouted "da-da!" +at the top of her infantile lungs. _That_ had never happened to me +before. + +I flushed and the Countess shrieked with laughter. It wouldn't have +been so bad if the nurse had known her place. If there is one thing +in this world that I hate with fervour, it is an ill-mannered, +poorly-trained servant. A grinning nurse-maid is the worst of all. I +may be super-sensitive and crotchety about such things, but I can see +no excuse for keeping a servant--especially a nurse-maid--who laughs +at everything that's said by her superiors, even though the quip may +be no more side-splitting than a two syllabled "da-da." + +"Ha, ha!" I laughed bravely. "She--she evidently thinks I look like +the Count. He is very handsome, you say." + +"Oh, that isn't it," cried the Countess, taking Rosemary in her arms +and directing me to a spot on her rosy cheek. "Kiss right there, Mr. +Smart. There! Wasn't it a nice kiss, honey-bunch? If you are a very, +very nice little girl the kind gentleman will kiss you on the other +cheek some day. She calls every man she meets da-da," explained the +radiant young mother. "She's awfully European in her habits, you see. +You need not feel flattered. She calls Conrad and Rudolph and Max +da-da, and this morning in the back window she applied the same handsome +compliment to your Mr. Poopendyke." + +"Oh," said I, rather more crestfallen than relieved. + +"Would you like to hold her, Mr. Smart? She's such a darling to hold." + +"No--no, thank you," I cried, backing off. + +"Oh, you will come to it, never fear," she said gaily, as she restored +Rosemary to the nurse's arms. "Won't he, Blake?" + +"He will, my lady," said Blake with conviction. I noticed this time +that Blake's smile wasn't half bad. + +At that instant Jinko, the chow, pushed the door open with his black +nose and strolled imposingly into the room. He proceeded to treat me +in the most cavalier fashion by bristling and growling. + +The Countess opened her eyes very wide. + +"Dear me," she sighed, "you must be very like the Count, after all. +Jinko never growls at any one but him." + + * * * * * + +At dinner that evening I asked Poopendyke point blank if he could call +to mind a marriage in New York society that might fit the principals +in this puzzling case. + +He hemmed and hawed and appeared to be greatly confused. + +"Really, sir, I--I--really, I--" + +"You make it a point to read all of the society news," I explained; +"and you are a great hand for remembering names and faces. Think +hard." + +"As a matter of fact, Mr. Smart, I _do_ remember this particular +marriage very clearly," said he, looking down at his plate. + +"You do?" I shouted eagerly. The new footman stared. "Splendid! Tell +me, who is she--or was she?" + +My secretary looked me steadily in the eye. + +"I'm sorry, sir, but--but I can't do it. I promised her this morning +I wouldn't let it be dragged out of me with red hot tongs." + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +I RECEIVE VISITORS + +She was indeed attended by faithful slaves. + + * * * * * * * * + +The east wing of the castle was as still as a mouse on the day my house +party arrived. Grim old doors took on new padlocks, keyholes were +carefully stopped up; creaking floors were calked; windows were picketed +by uncompromising articles of furniture deployed to keep my ruthless +refugee from adventuring too close to the danger zone; and adamantine +instructions were served out to all of my vassals. Everything appeared +to be in tip-top shape for the experiment in stealth. + +And yet I trembled. My secret seemed to be safely planted, but what +would the harvest be? I knew I should watch those upper windows with +hypnotic zeal, and listen with straining ears for the inevitable squall +of a child or the bark of a dog. My brain ran riot with incipient +subterfuges, excuses, apologies and lies with which my position was +to be sustained. + +There would not be a minute during the week to come when I would be +perfectly free to call my soul my own, and as for nerves! well, with +good luck they might endure the strain. Popping up in bed out of a +sound sleep at the slightest disturbance, with ears wide open and +nerves tingling, was to be a nightly occupation at uncertain intervals; +that was plain to be seen. All day long I would be shivering with +anxiety and praying for night to come so that I might lie awake and +pray for the sun to rise, and in this way pass the time as quickly as +possible. There would be difficulty in getting my visitors to bed +early, another thing to test my power at conniving. They were bridge +players, of course, and as such would be up till all hours of the +morning overdoing themselves in the effort to read each other's +thoughts. + +I thanked the Lord that my electric lighting system would not be +installed until after they had departed. Ordinarily the Lord isn't +thanked when an electric light company fails to perform its work on +schedule time, but in this case delay was courted. + +We were all somewhat surprised and not a little disorganised by the +appearance of four unexpected servants in the train of my party. We +hadn't counted on anything quite so elaborate. There were two lady's +maids, not on friendly terms with each other; a French valet who had +the air of one used to being served on a tray outside the servants' +quarters; and a German attendant with hands constructed especially for +the purpose of kneading and gouging the innermost muscles of his master, +who it appears had to be kneaded and gouged three times a day by a +masseur in order to stave off paralysis, locomotor ataxia or something +equally unwelcome to a high liver. + +We had ample room for all this physical increase, but no beds. I +transferred the problem to Poopendyke. How he solved it I do not know, +but from the woe-be-gone expression on his face the morning after the +first night, and the fact that Britton was unnecessarily rough in +shaving me, I gathered that the two of them had slept on a pile of +rugs in the lower hall. + +Elsie Hazzard presented me to her friends and, with lordly generosity, +I presented the castle to them. Her husband, Dr. George, thanked me +for saving all their lives and then, feeling a draft, turned up his +coat collar and informed me that we'd all die if I didn't have the +cracks stopped up. He seemed unnecessarily testy about it. + +There was a Russian baron (the man who had to be kneaded) the last +syllable of whose name was vitch, the first five evading me in a +perpetual chase up and down the alphabet. For brevity's sake, I'll +call him Umovitch. The French valet's master was a Viennese gentleman +of twenty-six or eight (I heard), but who looked forty. I found myself +wondering how dear, puritanic, little Elsie Hazzard could have fallen +in with two such unamiable wrecks as these fellows appeared to be at +first sight. + +The Austrian's name was Pless. He was a plain mister. The more I saw +of him the first afternoon the more I wondered at George Hazzard's +carelessness. Then there were two very bright and charming Americans, +the Billy Smiths. He was connected with the American Embassy at Vienna, +and I liked him from the start. You could tell that he was the sort +of a chap who is bound to get on in the world by simply looking at his +wife. The man who could win the love and support of such an attractive +creature must of necessity have qualifications to spare. She was very +beautiful and very clever. Somehow the unforgetable resplendency of +my erstwhile typist (who married the jeweller's clerk) faded into a +pale, ineffective drab when opposed to the charms of Mrs. Betty Billy +Smith. (They all called her Betty Billy.) + +After luncheon I got Elsie off in a corner and plied her with questions +concerning her friends. The Billy Smiths were easily accounted for. +They belonged to the most exclusive set in New York and Newport. He +had an incomprehensible lot of money and a taste for the diplomatic +service. Some day he would be an Ambassador. The Baron was in the +Russian Embassy and was really a very nice boy. + +"Boy?" I exclaimed. + +"He is not more than thirty," said she. "You wouldn't call that old." +There was nothing I could say to that and still be a perfect host. But +to you I declare that he wasn't a day under fifty. How blind women can +be! Or is silly the word? + +From where we sat the figure of Mr. Pless was plainly visible in the +loggia. He was alone, leaning against the low wall and looking down +upon the river. He puffed idly at a cigarette. His coal black hair +grew very sleek on his smallish head and his shoulders were rather +high, as if pinched upward by a tendency to defy a weak spine. + +"And this Mr. Pless, who is he?" + +Elsie was looking at the rakish young man with a pitying expression +in her tender blue eyes. + +"Poor fellow," she sighed. "He is in great trouble, John. We hoped +that if we got him off here where it is quiet he might be able to +forget--Oh, but I am not supposed to tell you a word of the story! We +are all sworn to secrecy. It was only on that condition that he +consented to come with us." + +"Indeed!" + +She hesitated, uncomfortably placed between two duties. She owed one +to him and one to me. + +"It is only fair, John, that you should know that Pless is not his +real name," she said, lowering her voice. "But, of course, we stand +sponsor for him, so it is all right." + +"Your word is sufficient, Elsie." + +She seemed to be debating some inward question. The next I knew she +moved a little closer to me. + +"His life is a--a tragedy," she whispered. "His heart is broken, I +firmly believe. Oh!" + +The Billy Smiths came up. Elsie proceeded to withdraw into herself. + +"We were speaking of Mr. Pless," said I. "He has a broken heart." + +The newcomers looked hard at poor Elsie. + +"Broken fiddle-sticks," said Billy Smith, nudging Elsie until she made +room for him beside her on the long couch. I promptly made room for +Betty Billy. + +"We ought to tell John just a little about him," said Elsie defensively. +"It is due him, Billy." + +"But don't tell him the fellow's heart is broken. That's rot." + +"It isn't rot," said his wife. "Wouldn't your heart be broken?" + +He crossed his legs comfortably. + +"Wouldn't it?" repeated Betty Billy. + +"Not if it were as porous as his. You can't break a sponge, my dear." + +"What happened to it?" I inquired, mildly interested. + +"Women," said Billy impressively. + +"Then it's easily patched," said I. "Like cures like." + +"You don't understand, John," said Elsie gravely. "He was married to +a beautiful--" + +"Now, Elsie, you're telling," cautioned Betty Billy. + +"Well," said Elsie doggedly, "I'm determined to tell this much: his +name isn't Pless, his wife got a divorce from him, and now she has +taken their child and run off with it and they can't find--what's the +matter?" + +My eyes were almost popping from my head. + +"Is--is he a count?" I cried, so loudly that they all said "sh!" and +shot apprehensive glances toward the pseudo Mr. Pless. + +"Goodness!" said Elsie in alarm. "Don't shout, John." + +Billy Smith regarded me speculatively. "I dare say Mr. Smart has read +all about the affair in the newspapers. They've had nothing else lately. +I won't say he is a count, and I won't say he isn't. We're bound by +a deep, dark, sinister oath, sealed with blood." + +"I haven't seen anything about it in the papers," said I, trying to +recover my self-possession which had sustained a most tremendous shock. + +"Thank heaven!" cried Elsie devoutly. + +"Do you mean to say you won't tell me his name?" I demanded. + +Elsie eyed me suspiciously. "Why did you ask if he is a count?" + +"I have a vague recollection of hearing some one speak of a count +having trouble with his young American wife, divorce, or something of +the sort. A very prominent New York girl, if I'm not mistaken. All +very hazy, however. What is his name?" + +"John," said Mrs. Hazzard firmly, "you must not ask us to tell you. +Won't you please understand?" + +"The poor fellow is almost distracted. Really, Mr. Smart, we planned +this little visit here simply in order to--to take him out of himself +for a while. It has been such a tragedy for him. He worshipped the +child." It was Mrs. Billy who spoke. + +"And the mother made way with him?" I queried, resorting to a suddenly +acquired cunning. + +"It is a girl," said Elsie in a loud whisper. "The _loveliest_ girl. The +mother appeared in Vienna about three weeks or a month ago and--whiff! +Off goes the child. Abducted--kidnapped! And the court had granted him +the custody of the child. That's what makes it so terrible. If she is +caught anywhere in Europe--well, I don't know what may happen to her. It +is just such silly acts as this that make American girls the laughing +stocks of the whole world. I give you my word I am almost ashamed to +have people point me out and say: 'There goes an American. Pooh!'" + +By this time I had myself pretty well in hand. + +"I daresay the mother loved the child, which ought to condone one among +her multitude of sins. I take it, of course, that she was entirely to +blame for everything that happened." + +They at once proceeded to tear the poor little mother to shreds, +delicately and with finesse, to be sure, but none the less completely. +No doubt they meant to be charitable. + +"This is what a silly American nobody gets for trying to be somebody +over here just because her father has a trunkful of millions," said +Elsie, concluding a rather peevish estimate of the conjugal effrontery +laid at the door of Mr. Pless's late wife. + +"Or just because one of these spendthrift foreigners has a title for +sale," said Billy Smith sarcastically. + +"He was deeply in love with her when they were married," said his wife. +"I don't believe it was his fault that they didn't get along well +together." + +"The truth of the matter is," said Elsie with finality, "she couldn't +live up to her estate. She was a drag, a stone about his neck. It was +like putting one's waitress at the head of the table and expecting her +to make good as a hostess." + +"What was her social standing in New York?" I enquired. + +"Oh, good enough," said Betty Billy. "She was in the smartest set, if +that is a recommendation." + +"Then you admit, both of you, that the best of our American girls fall +short of being all that is required over here. In other words, they +can't hold a candle to the Europeans." + +"Not at all," they both said in a flash. + +"That's the way it sounds to me." + +Elsie seemed repentant. "I suppose we are a little hard on the poor +thing. She was very young, you see." + +"What you mean to say, then, is that she wasn't good enough for Mr. +Pless and his coterie." + +"No, not just precisely that," admitted Betty Billy Smith. "She made +a bid for him and got him, and my contention is that she should have +lived up to the bargain." + +"Wasn't he paid in full?" I asked, with a slight sneer. + +"What do you mean?" + +"Didn't he get his money?" + +"I am sure I don't see what money has to do with the case," said Elsie, +with dignity. "Mr. Pless is a poor man I've heard. There could not +have been very much of a marriage settlement." + +"A mere million to start with," remarked Billy Smith ironically. "It's +all gone, my dear Elsie, and I gather that father-in-law locked the +trunk you speak of and hid the key. You don't know women as well as +I do, Mr. Smart. Both of these charming ladies professed to adore Mr. +Pless's wife up to the time the trial for divorce came up. Now they've +got their hammers and hat-pins out for her and--" + +"That isn't true, Billy Smith," cried Elsie in a fierce whisper. "We +stood by her until she disobeyed the mandate--or whatever you call +it--of the court. She did steal the child, and you can't deny it." + +"Poor little kiddie," said he, and from his tone I gathered that all +was not rosy in the life of the infant in this game of battledore and +shuttlecock. + +To my disgust, the three of them refused to enlighten me further as +to the history, identity or character of either Mr. or Mrs. Pless, but +of course I knew that I was entertaining under my roof, by the most +extraordinary coincidence, the Count and Countess of Something-or-other, +who were at war, and the child they were fighting for with motives of +an entirely opposite nature. + +Right or wrong, my sympathies were with the refugee in the lonely east +wing. I was all the more determined now to shield her as far as it lay +in my power to do so, and to defend her if the worst were to happen. + +Mr. Pless tossed his cigarette over the railing and sauntered over to +join us. + +"I suppose you've been discussing the view," he said as he came up. +There was a mean smile on his--yes, it was a rather handsome face--and +the two ladies started guiltily. The attack on his part was particularly +direct when one stops to consider that there wasn't any view to be had +from where we were sitting, unless one could call a three-decked +plasterer's scaffolding a view. + +"We've been discussing the recent improvements about the castle, Mr. +Pless," said I with so much directness that I felt Mrs. Billy Smith's +arm stiffen and suspected a general tension of nerves from head to +foot. + +"You shouldn't spoil the place, Mr. Smart," said he, with a careless +glance about him. + +"Don't ruin the ruins," added Billy Smith, of the diplomatic corps. + +"What time do we dine?" asked Mr. Pless, with a suppressed yawn. + +"At eight," said Elsie promptly. + +We were in the habit of dining at seven-thirty, but I was growing +accustomed to the over-riding process, so allowed my dinner hour to +be changed without a word. + +"I think I'll take a nap," said he. With a languid smile and a little +flaunt of his hand as if dismissing us, he moved languidly off, but +stopped after a few steps to say to me: "We'll explore the castle +to-morrow, Mr. Smart, if it's just the same to you." He spoke with a +very slight accent and in a peculiarly attractive manner. There was +charm to the man, I was bound to admit. "I know Schloss Rothhoefen +very well. It is an old stamping ground of mine." + +"Indeed," said I, affecting surprise. + +"I spent a very joyous season here not so many years ago. Hohendahl +is a bosom friend." + +When he was quite out of hearing, Billy Smith leaned over and said to +me: "He spent his honeymoon here, old man. It was the girls' idea to +bring him here to assuage the present with memories of the past. Quite +a pretty sentiment, eh?" + +"It depends on how he spent it," I said significantly. Smith grinned +approvingly. Being a diplomat he sensed my meaning at once. + +"It was a lot of money," he said. + +At dinner the Russian baron, who examined every particle of food he +ate with great care and discrimination, evidently looking for poison, +embarrassed me in the usual fashion by asking how I write my books, +where I get my plots, and all the rest of the questions that have +become so hatefully unanswerable, ending up by blandly enquiring +_what_ I had written. This was made especially humiliating by the +prefatory remark that he had lived in Washington for five years and +had read everything that was worth reading. + +If Elsie had been a man I should have kicked her for further confounding +me by mentioning the titles of all my books and saying that he surely +must have read them, as everybody did, thereby supplying him with the +chance to triumphantly say that he'd be hanged if he'd ever heard of +any one of them. I shall always console myself with the joyful thought +that I couldn't remember his infernal name and would now make it a +point never to do so. + +Mr. Pless openly made love to Elsie and the Baron openly made love to +Betty Billy. Being a sort of noncommittal bachelor, I ranged myself +with the two abandoned husbands and we had quite a reckless time of +it, talking with uninterrupted devilishness about the growth of American +dentistry in European capitals, the way one has his nails manicured +in Germany, the upset price of hot-house strawberries, the relative +merit of French and English bulls, the continued progress of the weather +and sundry other topics of similar piquancy. Elsie invited all of us +to a welsh rarebit party she was giving at eleven-thirty, and then +they got to work at the bridge table, poor George Hazzard cutting in +occasionally. This left Billy Smith and me free to make up a somewhat +somnolent two-some. + +I was eager to steal away to the east wing with the news, but how to +dispose of Billy without appearing rude was more than I could work +out. It was absolutely necessary for the Countess to know that her +ex-husband was in the castle. I would have to manage in some way to +see her before the evening was over. The least carelessness, the +smallest slip might prove the undoing of both of us. + +I wondered how she would take the dismal news. Would she become +hysterical and go all to pieces? Would the prospect of a week of +propinquity be too much for her, even though thick walls intervened +to put them into separate worlds? Or, worst of all, would she reveal +an uncomfortable spirit of bravado, rashly casting discretion to the +winds in order to show him that she was not the timid, beaten coward +he might suspect her of being? She had once said to me that she loathed +a coward. I have always wondered how it felt to be in a "pretty kettle +of fish," or a "pickle," or any of the synonymous predicaments. Now +I knew. Nothing could have been more synchronous than the plural +howdy-do that confronted me. + +My nervousness must have been outrageously pronounced. Pacing the +floor, looking at one's watch, sighing profoundly, putting one's hands +in the pockets and taking them out again almost immediately, letting +questions go by unanswered, and all such, are actions or conditions +that usually produce the impression that one is nervous. A discerning +observer seldom fails to note the symptoms. + +Mr. Smith said to me at nine-sixteen (I know it was exactly nine-sixteen +to the second) with polite conviction in his smile: "You seem to have +something on your mind, old chap." + +Now no one but a true diplomat recognises the psychological moment for +calling an almost total stranger "old chap." + +"I have, old fellow," said I, immensely relieved by his perspicuity. +"I ought to get off five or six very important letters to--" + +He interrupted me with a genial wave of his hand. "Run along and get +'em off," he said. "Don't mind me. I'll look over the magazines." + +Ten minutes later I was sneaking up the interminable stairways in the +sepulchral east wing, lighting and relighting a tallow candle with +grim patience at every other landing and luridly berating the drafts +that swept the passages. Mr. Poopendyke stood guard below at the +padlocked doors, holding the keys. He was to await my signal to reopen +them, but he was not to release me under any circumstance if snoopers +were abroad. + +My secretary was vastly disturbed by the news I imparted. He was so +startled that he forgot to tell me that he wouldn't spend another night +on a pile of rugs with Britton as a bed-fellow, an omission which gave +Britton the opportunity to anticipate him by _almost_ giving notice that +very night. (The upshot of it was the hasty acquisition of two brand new +iron beds the next day, and the restoration of peace in my domestic +realm.) + +Somewhat timorously I knocked at the Countess's door. I realised that +it was a most unseemly hour for calling on a young, beautiful and +unprotected lady, but the exigencies of the moment lent moral support +to my invasion. + +After waiting five minutes and then knocking again so loudly that the +sound reverberated through the empty halls with a sickening clatter, +I heard some one fumbling with the bolts. The door opened an inch OF +two. + +The Countess's French maid peered out at me. + +"Tell your mistress that I must see her at once." + +"Madame is not at home, m'sieur," said the young woman. + +"Not at home?" I gasped. "Where is she?" + +"Madame has gone to bed." + +"Oh," I said, blinking. "Then she _is_ at home. Present my compliments +and ask her to get up. Something very exasperating has hap--" + +"Madame has request me to inform m'sieur that she knows the Count is +here, and will you be so good as to call to-morrow morning." + +"What! She knows he's here? Who brought the information?" + +"The bountiful Max, m'sieur. He bring it with _dejeuner_, again with +_diner_, and but now with the hot water, m'sieur." + +"Oh, I see," said I profoundly. "In that case, I--I sha'n't disturb +her. How--er--how did she take it?" + +She gave me a severely reproachful look. + +"She took it as usual, m'sieur. In that dreadful little tin tub old +Conrad--" + +"Good heavens, girl! I mean the news--the news about the Count." + +"Mon dieu! I thought m'sieur refer to--But yes! She take it beautifully. +I too mean the news. Madame is not afraid. Has she not the good, brave +m'sieur to--what you call it--to shoulder all the worry, no? She is +not alarm. She reads m'sieur's latest book in bed, smoke the cigarette, +and she say what the divil do she care." + +"What!" + +"Non, non! I, Helene Marie Louise Antoinette, say it for Madame. Pardon! +Pardon, m'sieur! It is I who am wicked." + +Very stiffly and ceremoniously I advised caution for the next twelve +hours, and saying good night to Helene Marie Louise Antoinette in an +unintentionally complimentary whisper, took myself off down the stairs, +pursued by an equally subdued _bon soir_ which made me feel like a +soft-stepping Lothario. + +Now it may occur to you that any self-respecting gentleman in possession +of a castle and a grain of common sense would have set about to find +out the true names of the guests beneath his roof. The task would have +been a simple one, there is no doubt of that. A peremptory command +with a rigid alternative would have brought out the truth in a jiffy. + +But it so happens that I rather enjoyed the mystery. The situation was +unique, the comedy most exhilarating. Of course, there was a tragic +side to the whole matter, but now that I was in for it, why minimise +the novelty by adopting arbitrary measures? Three minutes of stern +conversation with Elsie Hazzard would enlighten me on all the essential +points; perhaps half an hour would bring Poopendyke to terms; a half +a day might be required in the brow-beating of the frail Countess. +With the Schmicks, there was no hope. But why not allow myself the +pleasure of enjoying the romantic feast that had been set before me +by the gods of chance? Chance ordered the tangle; let chance unravel it. +Somewhat gleefully I decided that it would be good fun to keep myself +in the dark as long as possible! + +"Mr. Poopendyke," said I, after that nervous factotum had let me into +my side of the castle with gratifying stealthiness, "you will oblige +me by not mentioning that fair lady's name in my presence." + +"You did not stay very long, sir," said he in a sad whisper, and for +the life of me I couldn't determine what construction to put upon the +singularly unresponsive remark. + +When I reached the room where my guests were assembled, I found Mr. +Pless and the Baron Umovitch engaged in an acrimonious dispute over +a question of bridge etiquette. The former had resented a sharp +criticism coming from the latter, and they were waging a verbal battle +in what I took to be five or six different tongues, none of which +appeared to bear the slightest relationship to the English language. +Suddenly Mr. Pless threw his cards down and left the table, without +a word of apology to the two ladies, who looked more hurt than appalled. + +He said he was going to bed, but I noticed that he took himself off +in the direction of the moonlit loggia. We were still discussing his +defection in subdued tones--with the exception of the irate baron--when +he re-entered the room. The expression on his face was mocking, even +accusing. Directing his words to me, he uttered a lazy indictment. + +"Are there real spirits in your castle, Mr. Smart, or have you flesh +and blood mediums here who roam about in white night dresses to study +the moods of the moon from the dizziest ramparts?" + +I started. What indiscretion had the Countess been up to? + +"I don't quite understand you, Mr. Pless," I said, with a politely +blank stare. + +Confound his insolence! He winked at me! + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +I RESORT TO DIPLOMACY + +"My dear Countess," said I, the next morning, "while I am willing to +admit that all you say is true, there still remains the unhappy fact +that you were very near to upsetting everything last night. Mr. Pless +saw you quite plainly. The moon was very full, you'll remember. +Fortunately he was too far away from your window to recognise you. Think +how easy it might--" + +"But I've told you twice that I held my hand over Pinko's nose and he +just couldn't bark, Mr. Smart. You are really most unreasonable about +it. The dog had to have a breath of fresh air." + +"Why not send him up to the top of the tower and let him run around +on the--" + +"Oh, there's no use talking about it any longer," she said wearily. +"It is all over and no real harm was done. I am awfully sorry if they +made it uncomfortable for you. It is just like him to suggest +something--well, scandalous. And the rest of them are dreadful teases, +especially Mrs. Smith. They love anything risque. But you haven't told +me what they said that kept you awake all night." + +My dignity was worth beholding. + +"It was not what they said to me, Countess, but what they left unsaid. +I sha'n't tell you what they said." + +"I think I can make a pretty good guess--" + +"Well, you needn't!" I cried hastily, but too late. She would out with +it. + +"They accuse you of being a sad, sad dog, a foxy; bachelor, and a devil +of a fellow. They all profess to be very much shocked, but they assure +you that it's all right,--not to mind them. They didn't think you had +it in you, and they're glad to see you behaving like a scamp. Oh, I +know them!" + +As a matter of fact, she was pretty near to being right. "All the more +reason for you to be cautious and circumspect," said I boldly. "Pray +think of my position, if not your own." + +She gave me a queer little look and then smiled brightly. (She _is_ +lovely!) + +"I'll promise to be good," she said. + +"I only ask you to be careful," said I, blunderingly. She laughed +aloud: her merriest, most distracting gurgle. + +"And now will you be good enough to tell me who I am?" she asked, after +a few minutes. "That is, who am I supposed to be?" + +"Oh," said I uneasily, "you are really nobody. You are Britton's wife." + +"What! Does Britton know it?" + +"Yes," said I, with a wry smile. "He took a mean advantage of me in +the presence of George Hazzard not an hour ago, and asked for a raise +in wages on account of his wife's illness. It seems that you are an +invalid." + +"I hope he hasn't forgotten the baby in his calculations." + +"He hasn't, you may be sure. He has named the baby after me." + +"How original!" + +"I thought it rather clever to change Rosemary's sex for a few days," +said I. "Moreover, it will be necessary for Britton to take Max's place +as your personal servant. He will fetch your meals and--" + +"Oh, I can't agree to that, Mr. Smart," she cried with decision. "I +must have Max. He is--" + +"But Britton must have some sort of a pretext for--" + +"Nonsense! No one cares about Britton and his sick wife. Let well +enough alone." + +"I--I'll think it over, Countess," said I weakly. + +"And now tell me all about--Mr. Pless. How is he looking? Does he +appear to be unhappy?" There was a curious note in her voice, as of +anxiety or eagerness, it was hard to tell which. In any case, I found +myself inwardly resenting her interest in the sneering Hungarian. (I +had discovered that he was not an Austrian.) There was a queer sinking +sensation in the region of my heart, and a slight chill. Could it be +possible that she--But no! It was preposterous! + +"He appears to be somewhat sentimental and preoccupied. He gazes at +the moon and bites his nails." + +"I--I wish I could have a peep at him some time without being--" + +"For heaven's sake, don't even consider such a thing," I cried in +alarm. + +"Just a little peek, Mr. Smart," she pleaded. + +"No!" said I firmly. + +"Very well," she said resignedly, fixing me with hurt eyes. "I'm sorry +to be such a bother to you." + +"I believe you'll go back to him, after all," I said angrily. "Women +are all alike. They--" + +"Just because I want to see how unhappy he is, and enjoy myself a +little, you say horrid things to me," she cried, almost pathetically. +"You treat me very badly." + +"There is a great deal at stake," said I. "The peril is--well, it's +enormous. I am having the devil's own time heading off a scheme they've +got for exploring the entire castle. Your hus--your ex-husband says +he knows of a secret door opening into this part of the--" + +She sprang to her feet with a sharp cry of alarm. + +"Heavens! I--I forgot about _that!_ There is a secret panel and--heaven +save us!--it opens directly into my bedroom!" Her eyes were very wide +and full of consternation. She gripped my arm. "Come! Be quick! We must +pile something heavy against it, or nail it up, or--do something." + +She fairly dragged me out into the corridor, and then, picking up her +dainty skirts, pattered down the rickety stairs at so swift a pace +that I had some difficulty in keeping her pink figure in sight. Why +is it that a woman can go downstairs so much faster than a man? I've +never been able to explain it. She didn't stumble once, or miss a step, +while I did all manner of clumsy things, and once came near to pitching +headlong to the bottom. We went down and down and round and round so +endlessly that I was not only gasping but reeling. + +At last we came to the broad hall at the top of the main staircase. +Almost directly in front of us loomed the great padlocked doors leading +to the other wing. Passing them like the wind she led the way to the +farthermost end of the hall. Light from the big, paneless windows +overlooking the river, came streaming into the vast corridor, and I +could see doors ahead to the right and the left of us. + +"Your bedroom?" I managed to gasp, uttering a belated question that +should have been asked five or six flights higher up at a time when +I was better qualified to voice it. "What the dickens is it doing down +here?" + +She did not reply, but, turning to the left, threw open a door and +disappeared into the room beyond. I followed ruthlessly, but stopped +just over the threshold to catch my breath in astonishment. + +I was in "my lady's bed-chamber." + +The immense Gothic bed stood on its dais, imposing in its isolation. +Three or four very modern innovation trunks loomed like minarets against +the opposite walls, half-open; one's imagination might have been excused +if it conjured up sentries who stood ready to pop out of the trunks +to scare one half to death. Some of my most precious rugs adorned the +floor, but the windows were absolutely undraped. There were a few old +chairs scattered about, but no other article of furniture except an +improvised wash-stand, and a clumsy, portable tin bath-tub which leaned +nonchalantly against the foot of the bed. There were great mirrors, +in the wall at one end of the room, cracked and scaly it is true, but +capable of reflecting one's presence. + +"Don't stand there gaping," she cried in a shrill whisper, starting +across the room only to turn aside with a sharp exclamation. "That +stupid Helene!" she cried, flushing warmly. Catching up a heap of +tumbled garments, mostly white, from a chair, she recklessly hurled +them behind the bed. "This is the mirror--the middle one. It opens by +means of a spring. There is a small hole in the wall behind it and +then there is still another secret door beyond that, a thick iron one +with the sixth Baron Rothhoefen's portrait on the outer side of it. +The canvas swings open. We must--" + +I was beginning to get my bearings. + +"The sixth baron? Old Ludwig the Red?" + +"The very one." + +"Then, by Jove, he is in my study! You don't mean to say--" + +"Please don't stop to talk," she cried impatiently, looking about in +a distracted manner, "but for goodness sake get something to put against +this mirror." + +My mind worked rapidly. The only object in the room heavy enough to +serve as a barricade was the bed, and it was too heavy for me to move, +I feared. I suggested it, of course, involuntarily lowering my voice +to a conspiratorial whisper. + +"Pull it over, quick!" she commanded promptly. + +"Perhaps I'd better run out and get Max and Ru--" + +"If my hus--if Mr. Pless should open that secret door from the other +side, Mr. Smart, it will be very embarrassing for you and me, let--" + +I put my shoulder to the huge creaky bed and shoved. There were no +castors. It did not budge. The Countess assisted me by putting the +tips of her small fingers against one end of it and pushing. It was +not what one would call a frantic effort on her part, but it served +to make me exert myself to the utmost. I, a big strong man, couldn't +afford to have a slim countess pushing a bedstead about while I was +there to do it for her. + +"Don't do that," I protested. "I can manage it alone, thank you." + +I secured a strong grip on the bottom of the thing and heaved manfully. + +"You might let me help," she cried, firmly grasping a side piece with +both hands. + +The bed moved. The veins stood out on my neck and temples. My face +must have been quite purple, and it is a hue that I detest. When I was +a very small laddie my mother put me forward to be admired in purple +velveteen. The horror of it still lingers. + +By means of great straining I got the heavy bed over against the mirror, +upsetting the tin bathtub with a crash that under ordinary circumstances +would have made my heart stand still but now only tripled its pumping +activities. One of the legs was hopelessly splintered in the drop from +the raised platform. + +"There," she said, standing off to survey our joint achievement, "we've +stopped it up very nicely." She brushed the tips of her fingers +daintily. "This afternoon you may fetch up a hammer and some nails and +fasten the mirror permanently. Then you can move the bed back to its +proper place. Goodness! What a narrow squeak!" + +"Madam," said I, my hand on my heart but not through gallantry, "that +bed stays where it is. Not all the king's horses nor all the king's +men can put it back again." + +"Was it so heavy, Mr. Smart?" + +I swallowed very hard. A prophetic crick already had planted itself +in my back. "Will you forgive me if I submit that you sleep quite a +distance from home?" I remarked with justifiable irony. "Why the deuce +don't you stay on the upper floors?" + +"Because I am mortally afraid," she said, with a little shudder. "You've +no idea how lonely, how spooky it is up there at the dead hour of +night. I couldn't sleep. After the third night I had my things moved +down here, where I could at least feel that there were strong men +within--you might say arm's length of me. I'm--I'm shockingly timid." + +She smiled; a wavering, pleading little smile that conquered. + +"Of course, I don't mind, Countess," I hastened to say. "Only I thought +it would be cosier up there with Rosemary and the two maids for +company." + +She leaned a little closer to me. "We all sleep down here," she said +confidentially. "We bring Rosemary's little mattress down every night +and put it in the bathtub. It is a very good fit and makes quite a +nice cradle for her. Helene and Blake sleep just across the hall and +we leave the doors wide open. So, you see, we're not one bit afraid." + +I sat down on the edge of the bed and laughed. + +"This is delicious," I cried, not without compunction for I was looking +directly into her eager, wistful eyes. A shadow crossed them. "I beg +your pardon. I--I can't help laughing." + +"Pray do not stop laughing on my account," she said icily. "I am used +to being laughed at since I left America. They laugh at all of us over +here." + +"I dare say they laugh at me, confound them," said I, lugubriously. + +"They do," said she flatly. Before I could quite recover from this +sentient dig, she was ordering me to put the bathtub where it belonged. +This task completed, I looked up. She was standing near the head of +the bed, with a revolver in her hand. I stared. "I keep it under my +pillow, Mr. Smart," she said nervously. I said nothing, and she replaced +it under the pillow, handling the deadly weapon as gingerly as if it +were the frailest glass. "Of course I couldn't hit anything with it, +and I know I should scream when it went off, but still--accidents will +happen, you know." + +"Urn!" said I, judicially. "And so my study is just beyond this mirror, +eh? May I enquire how you happen to know that I have my study there?" + +"Oh, I peeked in the other day," she said, serene once more. + +"The deuce you did!" + +"I was quite sure that you were out," she explained. "I opened Ludwig +the Red an inch or two, that's all. You are quite cosy in there, aren't +you? I envy you the grand old _chaise longe_." + +I wavered, but succeeded in subduing the impulse. "It is the only +comfortable piece of furniture I have left in my apartments," said I, +with convincing candour. + +"You poor man," she said, with her rarest smile. "How fortunate you +are that I did not remember the chaise longe. You would have been +deprived of it, I am quite sure. Of course I couldn't think of robbing +you of it now." + +"As a matter of fact, I never lie in it," I said, submitting to a once +conquered impulse. "If you'd really like to have it, I'll see that it +is taken up to your rooms at once." + +"Thank you," she said, shaking her head. "It's kind of you, but I am +not so selfish as all that, believe me." + +"It is--quite in the way, Countess." + +"Some one would be sure to miss it if you sent it up now," she said +reflectively. + +"We'll wait till they're all gone," said I. + +She smiled and the bargain was settled without a word from her. You've +heard of men being wrapped about little fingers, haven't you? Well, +there you are. We returned to the corridor. She closed the door softly, +a mockery in view of the clatter I had made in shifting the bed and +its impediments. + +"We can't be too careful," she said in a whisper. She might have spoken +through a megaphone and still been quite safe. We were tramping up the +stairs. "Don't you think your guests will consider you rather +inhospitable if you stay away from them all morning?" + +I stopped short. "By Jove, now that you remind me of it, I promised +to take them all out for a spin in the motor boat before luncheon. +Hazzard has had his boat sent down." + +She looked positively unhappy. "Oh, how I should love to get out for +a spin on the river! I wonder if I'll ever be free to enjoy the things +I like most of--" + +"Listen!" I whispered suddenly, grasping her arm. "Did you hear +footsteps in the--Sh!" + +Some one was walking over the stone floor in the lower hall, brisk +strides that rang out quite clearly as they drew nearer. + +"It is--it is Mr. Pless," she whispered in a panic. "I recognise his +tread. As if I could ever forget it! Oh, how I hate him! He--" + +"Don't stop here to tell me about it," I cut in sharply. "Make haste! +Get up to your rooms and lock yourself in. I'll--I'll stop him. How +the deuce did he get into this side of the--" + +"Through the dungeons. There is a passage," she, whispered, and then +she was gone, flying noiselessly up the narrow stairway. + +Assuming a nonchalance I certainly did not feel, I descended the stairs. +We met in the broad hallway below. Mr. Pless approached slowly, +evidently having checked his speed on hearing my footsteps on the +stairs. + +"Hello," I said agreeably. "How did you get in?" + +He surveyed me coolly. "I know the castle from top to bottom, Mr. +Smart. To be perfectly frank with you, I tried the secret panel in +your study but found the opposite door blocked. You have no objection, +I trust, to my looking over the castle? It is like home to me." + +My plan was to detain him in conversation until she had time to secrete +herself on the upper floor. Somehow I anticipated the banging of a +door, and it came a moment later--not loud but very convicting, just +the same. He glanced at me curiously. + +"Then how _did_ you get in?" I repeated, cringing perceptibly in +response to the slam of the distant door. + +"By the same means, I daresay, that you employ," said he. + +For a moment I was confounded. Then my wits came to the rescue. + +"I see. Through the dungeon. You _do_ know the castle well, Mr. Pless." + +"It is a cobwebby, unlovely passage," said he, brushing the dirt and +cobwebs from his trousers. My own appearance was conspicuously +immaculate, but I brushed in unison, just the same. + +"Grewsome," said I. + +He was regarding me with a curious smile in his eyes, a pleasantly +bantering smile that had but one meaning. Casting an eye upwards, he +allowed his smile to spread. + +"Perhaps you'd rather I didn't disturb Mrs.-- Mrs.--" + +"Britton," said I. "My valet's wife. I don't believe you will disturb +her. She's on the top floor, I think." + +He still smiled. "A little remote from Britton, isn't she?" + +I think I glared. What right had he to meddle in Britton's affairs? + +"I am afraid your fancy draws a rather long bow, Mr. Pless," said I, +coldly. + +He was at once apologetic. "If I offend, Mr. Smart, pray forgive me. +You are quite justified in rebuking me. Shall we return to our own +ladies?" + +Nothing could have been more adroit than the way he accused me in that +concluding sentence. It was the quintessence of irony. + +"I'd like to have your opinion as to the best way of restoring or +repairing those mural paintings in the dome of the east hall," I said, +detaining him. It was necessary for me to have a good excuse for +rummaging about in the unused part of the castle. "It seems too bad +to let those wonderful paintings go to ruin. They are hanging down in +some places, and are badly cracked in others. I've been worrying about +them ever since I came into possession. For instance, that Murillo in +the centre. It must be preserved." + +He gave me another queer look, and I congratulated myself on the success +of my strategy. + +He took it all in. The mocking light died out in his eyes, and he at +once became intensely interested in my heaven-sent project. For fifteen +or twenty minutes we discussed the dilapidated frescoes and he gave +me the soundest sort of advice, based on a knowledge and experience +that surprised me more than a little. He was thoroughly up in matters +of art. His own chateau near Buda Pesth, he informed me, had only +recently undergone complete restoration in every particular. A great +deal of money had been required, but the expenditures had been justified +by the results. + +Paintings like these had been restored to their original glory, and +so on and so forth. He offered to give me the address of the men in +Munich who had performed such wonders for him, and suggested rather +timidly that he might be of considerable assistance to me in outlining +a system of improvements. I could not help being impressed. His manner +was most agreeable. When he smiled without malice, his dark eyes were +very boyish. One could then forget the hard lines of dissipation in +his face, and the domineering, discontented expression which gave to +him the aspect of a far greater age than he had yet attained. A note +of eager enthusiasm in his voice proved beyond cavil that if this sprig +of nobility had had half a chance in the beginning he might have been +nobler than he was to-day. But underneath the fascinating charm of +manner, back of the old world courtliness, there lurked the ever +dominant signs of intolerance, selfishness and--even cruelty. He was +mean to the core. He had never heard of the milk of human kindness, +much less tasted of it. + +There was no getting away from the fact that he despised me for no +other reason than that I was an American. I could not help feeling the +derision in which he held not only me but the Hazzards and the Smiths +as well. He looked upon all of us as coming from an inferior race, to +be tolerated only as passers-by and by no means worthy of his august +consideration. We were not of his world and never could be. + +Ignoble to him, indeed, must have been the wife who came with the +vulgar though welcome dollars and an ambition to be his equal and the +sharer of his heaven-born glory! He could not even pity her! + +While he was discoursing so amiably upon the subjects he knew so well +by means of an inherited intelligence that came down through +generations, I allowed my thoughts to drift upstairs to that frightened, +hunted little fellow-countrywoman of mine, as intolerant, as vain +perhaps as he after a fashion, and cursed the infernal custom that +lays our pride so low. Infinitely nobler than he and yet an object of +scorn to him and all his people, great and small; a discredited +interloper who could not deceive the lowliest menial in her own +household into regarding her as anything but an imitation. Her +loveliness counted for naught. Her wit, her charm, her purity of heart +counted for even less than that. She was a thing that had been bartered +for and could be cast aside without loss--a pawn. And she had committed +the inconceivable sin of rebelling against the laws of commerce: she +had defaulted! They would not forgive her for that. + +My heart warmed toward her. She had been afraid of the dark! I can +forgive a great deal in a person who is afraid of the dark. + +I looked at my watch. Assuming a careless manner, I remarked: + +"I am afraid we shall be late for the start. Are you going out with +us in the boat or would you prefer to browse about a little longer? +Will you excuse me? I must be off." + +His cynical smile returned. "I shall forego the pleasure of browsing +in another man's pasture, if you don't mind." + +It was almost a direct accusation. He did not believe a word of the +Britton story. I suddenly found myself wondering if he suspected the +truth. Had he, by any chance, traced the fugitive countess to my doors? +Were his spies hot upon the trail? Or had she betrayed herself by +indiscreet acts during the past twenty-four hours? The latter was not +unlikely; I knew her whims and her faults by this time. In either case, +I had come to feel decidedly uncomfortable, so much so, in fact, that +I was content to let the innuendo pass without a retort. It behooved +me to keep my temper as well as my wits. + +"Come along," said I, starting off in the direction of the lower +regions. He followed. I manoeuvred with such success that ultimately +he took the lead. I hadn't the remotest idea how to get to the +confounded dungeons! + +It never rains but it pours. Just as we were descending the last flight +of stairs before coming to the winding stone steps that led far down +into the earth, who but Britton should come blithely up from the +posterior regions devoted to servants and their ilk. He was carrying +a long pasteboard box. I said something impressive under my breath. +Britton, on seeing us, stopped short in his tracks. He put the box +behind his back and gazed at me forlornly. + +"Ah, Britton," said I, recovering myself most creditably; "going up +to see little John Bellamy, I suppose." + +I managed to shoot a covert look at Mr. Pless. He was gazing at the +half-hidden box with a perfectly impassive face, and yet I knew that +there was a smile about him somewhere. + +The miserable box contained roses, I knew, because I had ordered them +for Rosemary. + +"Yes, sir," said my valet, quite rigid with uncertainty, "in a way, +sir." A bright look flashed into his face. "I'm taking up the wash, +Mr. Smart. From the laundry over in the town, sir. It is somethink +dreadful the way they mangle things, sir. Especially lady's garments. +Thank you, sir." + +He stood aside to let us pass, the box pinned between him and the wall. +Never in my life have I known roses with a more pungent and penetrating +odour! Britton seemed to fairly reek with it. + +"I like the perfumes the women are using nowadays," said Mr. Pless +affably, as we felt our way down the steps. + +"Attar of roses," said I, sniffing. + +"Umph!" said he. + +It was quite dark and very damp in the underground passages. I had the +curious sensation of lizards wriggling all about me in the sinister +shadows. Then and there I resolved that the doors of this pestilential +prison should be locked and double locked and never opened again, while +I was master of the place. + +Moreover, old man Schmick was down for a bad half-hour with me. How +came these doors to be unlocked when the whole place was supposed to +be as tight as a drum? If nothing else sufficed, the two prodigious +Schmicks would be required to stand guard, day and night, with bludgeons +if needs be. I intended to keep snooping busybodies out of that side +of the castle if I had to nail up every door in the place, even at the +risk of starving those whom I would defend. + +Especially was I firm in my resolve to keep the meddling ex-husband +in his proper place. Granted that he suspected me of a secret amour, +what right had he to concern himself about it? None whatever. I was +not the first baron to hold a fair prisoner within these powerful +walls, and I meant to stand upon my dignity and my rights, as every +man should who--But, great heaven, what an imbecile view to take of +the matter! Truly my brain was playing silly tricks for me as I stumbled +through the murky corridors. I had my imagination in a pretty fair +state of subjection by the time we emerged from the dungeons and started +up the steps. Facts were facts, and I would have to stick to them. +That is why I bethought myself to utter this sage observation: + +"Britton is a faithful, obliging fellow, Mr. Pless. It isn't every +Englishman who will gracefully submit to being chucked out of +comfortable quarters to make room for others. We're a bit crowded, you +know. He gave up his room like a gentleman and moved over temporarily +into the other wing. He was afraid, don't you see, that the baby might +disturb my guests. A very thoughtful, dependable fellow." + +"Yes," said he, "a very dependable fellow, Mr. Smart. My own man is +much the same sort of a chap. He also is married." Did I imagine that +he chuckled? + +Half an hour later when I rejoined my guests after a session with +Conrad Schmick, I was somewhat annoyed by the dig George Hazzard planted +in my devoted ribs, and the furtive wink he gave me. The two ladies +were regarding me with expressions that seemed pretty well divided +between disapproval and mirth. The baron, whose amicable relations +with Mr. Pless evidently had been restored, was grinning broadly at me. + +And the Countess imperiously had directed me to supply her with all +the scandal of the hour! + + + +CHAPTER IX + +I AM INVITED OUT TO DINNER + +I sometimes wonder what would happen if I really had a mind of my own. +Would I be content to exercise it capably? Would I cease to be putty +in the hands of other people? I doubt it. Even a strong, obdurate mind +is liable to connect with conditions that render it weak and pliable +for the simple reason that it is sometimes easier to put up with a +thing than to try to put it down. An exacting, arbitrary mind perhaps +might evolve a set of resolutions that even the most intolerant would +hesitate to violate, but for an easygoing, trouble-dodging brain like +my own there is no such thing as tenacity of purpose, unless it be in +the direction of an obfuscated tendency to maintain its own pitiful +equilibrium. I try to keep an even ballast in my dome of thought and +to steer straight through the sea of circumstance, a very difficult +undertaking and sometimes hazardous. + +A man with a firm, resolute grip on himself would have checked Mr. +Pless and Baron Umovitch at the outset of their campaign to acquire +undisputed possession of _all_ the comforts and conveniences that the +castle afforded. + +He would have said no to their demands that all work about the place +should be regulated according to their own life-long habits, which, +among other things, included lying in bed till noon, going back to bed +at three for a quiet nap, and staying up all night so that they might +be adequately worn out by the time they went to bed in the first place. + +I mention this as a single instance of their power to over-ride me. +It got to be so that when a carpenter wanted to drive a nail he had +to substitute a screw and use a screw-driver, a noiseless process but +an insufferable waste of time and money. Lathers worked four days on +a job that should have been accomplished in as many hours. Can you +imagine these expert, able-bodied men putting laths on a wall with +screw-drivers? + +When Elsie Hazzard, painfully aware of my annoyance, asked the two +noblemen why on earth they couldn't get up for breakfast, they coldly +informed her that they were civilised human beings and not larks. + +They used my study for purposes of their own, and glared at me when +I presumed to intrude upon their privacy. Mr. Pless took possession +of this room, and here received all sorts of secret operatives engaged +in the task of unearthing the former Mrs. Pless. Here he had as many +as fifteen reports a day by messenger from all parts of the land and +here he discussed every new feature of the chase as it presented itself, +coolly barring me out of my sanctum sanctorum with the impassive command +to knock before attempting to enter. + +In spite of their acrimonious tilts over the card table, he and the +baron were as thick as could be when it came to the question of the +derelict countess. They maintained the strictest privacy and resented +even the polite interest of their four American friends. + +Finding Mr. Poopendyke at work over some typing one day, Mr. Pless +peremptorily ordered him out of the study and subsequently complained +to me about the infernal racket the fellow made with his typewriter. +Just as I was on the point of telling him to go to the devil, he +smilingly called my attention to a complete plan for the restoration +of the two great halls as he had worked it out on paper. He had also +written a personal letter, commanding the Munich firm to send their +most competent expert to Schloss Rothhoefen without delay, to go over +the plans with him. As I recall it, he merely referred to me as a rich +American who needed advice. + +They cursed my servants, drank my wines, complained of the food, and +had everybody about the place doing errands for them. My butler and +footman threatened to leave if they were compelled to continue to serve +drinks until four in the morning; but were somewhat appeased when I +raised their wages. Britton surreptitiously thrashed the French valet, +and then had to serve Mr. Pless (to my despair) for two days while +Francois took his time recovering. + +The motor boat was operated as a ferry after the third day, hustling +detectives, lawyers, messengers and newspaper correspondents back and +forth across the much be-sung Danube. Time and again I shivered in my +boots when these sly-faced detectives appeared and made their reports +behind closed doors. When would they strike the trail? + +To my surprise the Hazzards and the Smiths were as much in the dark +as I concerning development in the great kidnapping case. The wily Mr. +Pless suddenly ceased delivering his confidences to outsiders. Evidently +he had been cautioned by those in charge of his affairs. He became as +uncommunicative as the Sphinx. + +I had the somewhat valueless satisfaction of knowing a blessed sight +more about the matter than he and all of his bloodhounds put together. +I could well afford to laugh, but under the extremely harassing +conditions it was far from possible for me to get fat. As a matter of +fact, it seemed to me that I was growing thinner. Mrs. Betty Billy +Smith, toward the end of her visit, dolefully--almost +tearfully--remarked upon my haggard appearance. She was very nice +about it, too. I liked her immensely. + +It did not require half an eye to see that she was thoroughly sick of +the baron and Mr. Pless. She was really quite uncivil to them toward +the end. + +At last there came a day of deliverance. The guests were departing and +I can truthfully say that I was speeding them. + +Elsie Hazzard took me off to a remote corner, where a little later on +Betty Billy and the two husbands found us. + +"John, will you ever forgive me?" she said very soberly. "I swear to +you I hadn't the faintest idea what it--" + +"Please, please, Elsie," I broke in warmly; "don't abuse yourself in +my presence. I fully understand everything. At least, _nearly_ +everything. What I can't understand, for the life of me, is this: how +did you happen to pick up two such consummate bounders as these fellows +are?" + +"Alas, John," said she, shaking her head, "a woman never knows much +about a man until she has lived a week in the same house with him. Now +_you_ are a perfect angel." + +"You've always said that," said I. "You did not have to live in the +same house with me to find it out, did you?" + +She ignored the question. "I shall never, never forgive myself for +this awful week, John. We've talked it all over among ourselves. We +are ashamed--oh, so terribly ashamed. If you can ever like us again +after--" + +"Like you!" I cried, taking her by the shoulders. "Why, Elsie Hazzard, +I have never liked you and George half so much as I like you now. You +two and the Smiths stand out like Gibraltars in my esteem. I adore all +of you. I sha'n't be happy again until I know that you four--and no +more--are coming back to Schloss Rothhoefen for an indefinite stay. +Good Lord, how happy we shall be!" + +I said it with a great deal of feeling. The tears rushed into her eyes. + +"You _are_ a dear, John," she sighed. + +"You'll come?" + +"In a minute," said she with vehemence, a genuine American girl once +more. + +"Just as soon as these pesky workmen are out of the place, I'll drop +you a line," said I, immeasurably exalted. "But I draw the line at +noblemen." + +"Don't worry," she said, setting her nice little white teeth. "I draw +it too. Never again! _Never_!" + +It occurred to me that here was an excellent opening for a bit of +missionary work. Very pointedly I said to her: "I fancy you are willing +to admit now that she wasn't such a simpleton for leaving him." + +She went so far as to shudder, all the time regarding me with dilated +eyes. "I can't imagine anything more dreadful than being that man's +wife, John." + +"Then why won't you admit that you are sorry for her? Why won't you +be a little just to her?" + +She looked at me sharply. "Do you know her?" + +"Not by a long shot," I replied hastily, and with considerable +truthfulness. + +"Why are you so keen to have me take sides with her?" + +"Because I did, the instant I saw that infernal cad." + +She pursed her lips. It was hard for her to surrender. + +"Out with it, Elsie," I commanded. "You know you've been wrong about +that poor little girl. I can tell by the look in your eyes that you +have switched over completely in the last four days, and so has Betty +Billy." + +"I can't forgive her for marrying him in the first place," she said +stubbornly. "But I think she was justified in leaving him. As I know +him now, I don't see how she endured it as long as she did. Yes, I am +sorry for her. She is a dear girl and she has had a--a--" + +"I'll say it, my dear: a hell of a time." + +"Thank you." "And I daresay you now think she did right in taking the +child, too," I persisted. + +"I--I hope she gets safely away with little Rosemary, back to God's +country as we are prone to call it. Oh, by the way, John, I don't see +why I should feel bound to keep that wretch's secret any longer. He +has treated us like dogs. He doesn't deserve--" + +"Hold on! You're not thinking of telling me his name, are you?" + +"Don't you want to know it? Don't you care to hear that you've been +entertaining the most talked of, the most interesting--" + +"No, I don't!" + +"Don't you care to hear who it was that he married and how many millions +he got from--" + +"No, I don't." + +"And why not?" + +"Well," said I, judicially, "in the first place I like the mystery of +it all. In the second place, I don't want to know anything more about +this fellow than I already know. He is enough of a horror to me, as +it is, God knows, without giving a name to him. I prefer to think of +him as Mr. Pless. If you don't mind, Elsie, I'll try to eradicate him +thoroughly from my system as Pless before I take him on in any other +form of evil. No, I don't want to know his name at present, nor do I +care a hang who it was he married. Silly notion, I suppose, but I mean +what I say." + +She looked at me in wonder for a moment and then shook her head as if +considering me quite hopeless. "You are an odd thing, John. God left +something out when He fashioned you. I'm just dying to tell you all +about them, and you won't let me." + +"Is she pretty?" I asked, yielding a little. + +"She is lovely. We've been really quite hateful about her, Betty and +I. Down in our hearts we like her. She was a spoiled child, of course, +and all that sort of thing, but heaven knows she's been pretty +thoroughly made over in a new crucible. We used to feel terribly sorry +for her, even while we were deriding her for the fool she had made of +herself in marrying him. I've seen her hundreds of times driving about +alone in Vienna, where they spent two winters, a really pathetic figure, +scorned not only by her husband but by every one else. He never was +to be seen in public with her. He made it clear to his world that she +was not to be inflicted upon it by any unnecessary act of his. She +came to see Betty and me occasionally; always bright and proud and +full of spirit, but we could see the wounds in her poor little heart +no matter how hard she tried to hide them. I tell you, John, they like +us as women but they despise us as wives. It will always be the same +with them. They won't let us into their charmed circle. Thank God, I +am married to an American. He _must_ respect me whether he wants to or +not." + +"Poor little beggar," said I, without thinking of how it would sound +to her; "she has had her fling, and she has paid well for it." + +"If her stingy old father, who permitted her to get into the scrape, +would come up like a man and pay what he ought to pay, there would be +no more pother about this business. He hasn't lived up to his bargain. +The--Mr. Pless has squandered the first million and now he wants the +balance due him. A trade's a trade, John. The old man ought to pay up. +He went into it with his eyes open, and I haven't an atom of sympathy +for him. You have read that book of Mrs. O'Burnett's, haven't you?--'The +Shuttle'? Well, there you are. This is but another example of what +fools American parents can be when they get bees in their bonnets." + +She seemed to be accusing me! + +"I hope she gets away safely with the kiddie," said I, non-committally. + +"Heaven knows where she is. Maybe she's as safe as a bug in a rug." + +"I shouldn't be surprised," said I. + +The Billy Smiths and George Hazzard came up at this juncture. Elsie +at once proceeded to go into a long series of conjectures as to the +probable whereabouts of Mr. Pless's former wife and their child. I was +immensely gratified to find that they were now undivided in their +estimate of Mr. Pless and firmly allied on the side of the missing +countess. + +I gathered from their remarks that the young woman's mother and brothers +were still in Paris, where their every movement was being watched by +secret agents. They were awaiting the arrival from New York of the +father of the countess, after which they were to come to Vienna for +the purpose of making a determined fight for the daughter's absolute +freedom and the custody of the child. + +Somehow this news gave me a strange feeling of apprehension, a sensation +that later on was to be amply justified. + +I daresay an historian less punctilious about the truth than I propose +to be, would, at this stage of the narrative, insert a whopping lie +for the sake of effect, or "action," or "heart interest," as such +things are called in the present world of letters. He would enliven +his tale by making Mr. Pless do something sensational while he was +about it, such as yanking his erstwhile companion out of her place of +hiding by the hair of her head, or kicking down all the barricades +about the place, or fighting a duel with me, or--well, there is no end +of things he might do for the sake of a "situation." But I am a person +of veracity and the truth _is_ in me. Mr. Pless did none of these +interesting things, so why should I say that he did? + +He went away with the others at half-past eleven, and that was the end +of his first visit to my domain. For fear that you, kind reader, may +be disappointed, I make haste to assure you that he was to come again. + +Of course there was more or less turmoil and--I might say +disaffection--attending his departure. He raised Cain with my servants +because they did this and that when they shouldn't have done either; +he (and the amiable baron) took me to task for having neglected to +book compartments for them in the Orient Express; he insisted upon +having a luncheon put up in a tea basket and taken to the railway +station by Britton, and he saw to it personally that three or four +bottles of my best wine were neatly packed in with the rest. He +_said_ three or four, but Britton is firm in his belief that there +was nearer a dozen, judging by the weight. + +He also contrived to have Mr. Poopendyke purchase first-class railway +tickets for him and the baron, and then forgot to settle for them. It +amounted to something like four hundred and fifty kronen, if I remember +correctly. He took away eleven hundred and sixty-five dollars of my +money, besides, genially acquired at roulette, and I dread to think +of what he and the baron took out of my four friends at auction bridge. + +I will say this for him: he was the smartest aristocrat I've ever +known. + +Need I add that the Hazzards and the Smiths travelled second-class? + +"Well, thank the Lord!" said I, as the ferry put off with the party, +leaving me alone on the little landing. The rotten timbers seemed to +echo the sentiment. At the top of the steep all the Schmicks were +saying it, too; in the butler's pantry it was also being said; a score +of workmen were grunting it; and the windlass that drew me up the hill +was screaming it in wild, discordant glee. I repeated it once more +when Britton returned from town and assured me that they had not missed +the train. + +"That's what I'd like to say, sir," said he. + +"Well, say it," said I. And he said it so vociferously that I know it +must have been heard in the remotest corners of heaven. + +The merry song of the hammer and the sweet rasp of the saw greeted my +delighted ear as I entered the castle. Men were singing and whistling +for all they were worth; the air was full of music. It was not unlike +the grand transformation scene in the pantomime when all that has been +gloom and despondency gives way in the flash of an eye to elysian +splendour and dazzling gaiety. 'Pon my soul, I never felt so exuberant +in all my life. The once nerve-racking clangour was like the soothing +strains of an invisible orchestra to my delighted senses. Ha! Ha! What +a merry old world it is, after all! + +Nearing my study, I heard an almost forgotten noise: the blithe, +incessant crackle of a typewriting machine. Never have I heard one +rattle so rapidly or with such utter garrulousness. + +I looked in at the door. Over in his corner by the window Poopendyke +was at work, his lanky figure hunched over the key-board, his head +enveloped in clouds from a busy pipe, for all the world like a tugboat +smothering in its own low-lying smoke. Sheets of paper were strewn +about the floor. Even as I stood there hesitating, he came to the end +of a sheet and jerked it out of the machine with such a resounding +snap that the noise startled me. He was having the time of his life! + +I stole away, unwilling to break in upon this joyful orgy. + +Conrad, grinning from ear to ear, was waiting for me outside my bedroom +door late in the day. He saluted me with unusual cordiality. + +"A note, mein herr," said he, and handed me a dainty little pearl-grey +envelope. He waited while I read the missive. + +"I sha'n't be home for dinner, Conrad," said I, my eyes aglow. "Tell +Hawkes, will you?" + +He bowed and scraped himself away; somehow he seemed to have grown +younger by decades. It was in the air to be young and care-free. I +read the note again and felt almost boyish. Then I went up to my room, +got out my gayest raiment without shame or compunction, dressed with +especial regard for lively effects, and hied me forth to carry sunshine +into the uttermost recesses of my castle. + +The Countess welcomed me with a radiant smile. We shook hands. + +"Well, he has gone," said I, drawing a deep breath. + +"Thank the Lord," said she, and then I knew that the symphony was +complete. We all had sung it. + +It must not be supposed for an instant that I had been guilty of +neglecting my lovely charge during that season of travail and despair. +No, indeed! I had visited her every day as a matter of precaution. She +required a certain amount of watching. + +I do not hesitate to say at this time that she seemed to be growing +lovelier every day. In a hundred little ways she was changing, not +only in appearance but in manner. + +Now, to be perfectly frank about it, I can't explain just what these +little changes were--that is, not in so many words--but they were quite +as pronounced as they were subtle. I may risk mentioning an improvement +in her method of handling me. She was not taking quite so much for +granted as she did at first. She was much more humble and considerate, +I remarked; instead of bullying me into things she now cajoled me; +instead of making demands upon my patience and generosity, she rather +hesitated about putting me to the least trouble. She wasn't so arrogant, +nor so hard to manage. In a nutshell, I may say with some satisfaction, +she was beginning to show a surprising amount of respect for me and +my opinions. Where once she had done as she pleased, she now did so +only after asking my advice and permission, both of which I gave freely +as a gentleman should. Fundamentally she was all right. It was only +in a superficial sort of way that she fell short of being ideal. She +really possessed a very sweet, lovely nature. I thought I could see +the making of a very fine woman in her. + +I do not say that she was perfect or ever could be, but she might come +very close to it if she went on improving as she did every day. As a +matter of fact, I found an immense amount of analytical pleasure in +studying the changes that attended the metamorphosis. It seemed to my +eager imagination that she was being translated before my eyes; +developing into a serious, sensible, unselfish person with a soul +preparing to mount higher than self. Her voice seemed to be softer, +sweeter; the satirical note had disappeared almost entirely, and with +it went the forced raillery that had been so pronounced at the beginning +of our acquaintance. + +Her devotion to Rosemary was wonderful to see. By the way, while I +think of it, the child was quite adorable. She was learning to pronounce +my name, and getting nearer and nearer to it every day. At the time +of which I now write she was calling me (with great enthusiasm), by +the name of "Go-go," which, reduced to aboriginal American, means +"Man-with-the-Strong-Arm-Who-Carries-Baby." + +"It is very nice of you to ask me up to dine with you," said I. + +"Isn't it about time I was doing something for you in return for all +that you have done for me?" she inquired gaily. "We are having a +particularly nice dinner this evening, and I thought you'd enjoy a +change." + +"A change?" said I, with a laugh. "As if we haven't been eating out +of the same kettle for days!" + +"I was not referring to the food," she said, and I was very properly +squelched. + +"Nevertheless, speaking of food," said I, "it may interest you to know +that I expected to have rather a sumptuous repast of my own to celebrate +the deliverance. A fine plump pheasant, prepared a la Oscar, corn +fritters like mother used to make, potatoes picard,--" + +"And a wonderful alligator pear salad," she interrupted, her eyes +dancing. + +I stared. "How in the world did you guess?" + +She laughed in pure delight, and I began to understand. By the Lord +Harry, the amazing creature was inviting me to eat my own dinner in +her _salle manger!_ "Well, may I be hanged! You do beat the Dutch!" + +She was wearing a wonderful dinner gown of Irish lace, and she fairly +sparkled with diamonds. There was no ornament in her brown hair, +however, nor were her little pink ears made hideous by ear-rings. Her +face was a jewel sufficient unto itself. I had never seen her in an +evening gown before. The effect was really quite ravishing. As I looked +at her standing there by the big oak table, I couldn't help thinking +that the Count was not only a scoundrel but all kinds of a fool. + +"It was necessary for me to bribe all of your servants, Mr. Smart," +she said. + +"You did not offer the rascals money, I hope," I said in a horrified +tone. + +"No, indeed!" She did not explain any farther than that, but somehow +I knew that money isn't everything to a servant after all. "I hope you +don't mind my borrowing your butler and footman for the evening," she +went on. "Not that we really need two to serve two, but it seems so +much more like a function, as the newspapers would call it." + +It was my turn to say "No, indeed." + +"And now you must come in and kiss Rosemary good night," she said, +glancing at my great Amsterdam clock in the corner. + +We went into the nursery. It was past Rosemary's bedtime by nearly an +hour and the youngster was having great difficulty in keeping awake. +She managed to put her arms around my neck when I took her up from the +bed, all tucked away in her warm little nightie, and sleepily presented +her own little throat for me to kiss, that particular spot being where +the honey came from in her dispensation of sweets. + +I was full of exuberance. An irresistible impulse to do a jig seized +upon me. To my own intense amazement, and to Blake's horror, I began +to dance about the room like a clumsy kangaroo. Rosemary shrieked +delightedly into my ear and I danced the harder for that. The Countess, +recovering from her surprise, cried out in laughter and began to clap +time with her hands. Blake forgot herself and sat down rather heavily +on the edge of the bed. I think the poor woman's knees gave way under +her. + +"Hurrah!" I shouted to Rosemary, but looking directly at the Countess. +"We're celebrating!" + +Whereupon the girl that was left in the Countess rose to the occasion +and she pirouetted with graceful abandon before me, in amazing contrast +to my jumping-jack efforts. Only Blake's reserved and somewhat dampening +admonition brought me to my senses. + +"Please don't drop the child, Mr. Smart," she said. I had the great +satisfaction of hearing Rosemary cry when I delivered her up to Blake +and started to slink out of the room in the wake of my warm-cheeked +hostess. "You would be a wonderful father, sir," said Blake, relenting +a little. + +I had the grace to say, "Oh, pshaw!" and then got out while the illusion +was still alive. (As I've said before, I do not like a crying baby.) + +It was the most wonderful dinner in the world, notwithstanding it was +served on a kitchen table moved into the living room for the occasion. +Imposing candelabra adorned the four corners of the table and the very +best plate in the castle was put to use. There were roses in the centre +of the board, a huge bowl of short-stemmed Marechal Niel beauties. The +Countess's chair was pulled out by my stately butler, Hawkes; mine by +the almost equally imposing footman, and we faced each other across +the bowl of roses and lifted an American cocktail to the health of +those who were about to sit down to the feast. I think it was one of +the best cocktails I've ever tasted. The Countess admitted having made +it herself, but wasn't quite sure whether she used the right ingredients +or the correct proportions. She asked me what I thought of it. + +"It is the best Manhattan I've ever tasted," said I, warmly. + +Her eyes wavered. Also, I think, her faith in me. "It was meant to be +a Martini," she said sorrowfully. + +Then we both sat down. Was it possible that the corners of Hawkes' +mouth twitched? I don't suppose I shall ever know. + +My sherry was much better than I thought, too. It was deliciously oily. +The champagne? But that came later, so why anticipate a joy with +realisation staring one in the face? + +We began with a marvellous hors-d'oeuvres. Then a clear soup, a fish +aspec, a--Why rhapsodise? Let it be sufficient if I say that in +discussing the Aladdin-like feast I secretly and faithfully promised +my chef a material increase in wages. I had never suspected him of +being such a genius, nor myself of being such a Pantegruelian disciple. +I must mention the alligator pear salad. For three weeks I had been +trying to buy alligator pears in the town hard by. These came from +Paris. The chef had spoken to me about them that morning, asking me +when I had ordered them. Inasmuch as I had not ordered them at all, +I couldn't satisfy his curiosity. My first thought was that Elsie +Hazzard, remembering my fondness for the vegetable--it is a vegetable, +isn't it?--had sent off for them in order to surprise me. It seems, +however, that Elsie had nothing whatever to do with it. The Countess +had ordered them for me through her mother, who was in Paris at the +time. Also she had ordered a quantity of Parisian strawberries of the +hot-house, one-franc-apiece variety, and a basket of peaches. At the +risk of being called penurious, I confess that I was immensely relieved +when I learned that these precious jewels in the shape of fruit had +been paid for in advance by the opulent mother of the Countess. + +"Have I told you, Mr. Smart, that I am expecting my mother here to +visit me week after next?" + +She tactfully put the question to me at a time when I was so full of +contentment that nothing could have depressed me. I must confess, +however, that I was guilty of gulping my champagne a little noisily. +The question came with the salad course. + +"You don't say so!" I exclaimed, quite cheerfully. + +"That is to say, she is coming if you think you can manage it quite +safely." + +"I manage it? My dear Countess, why speak of managing a thing that is +so obviously to be desired?" + +"You don't understand. Can you smuggle her into the castle without any +one knowing a thing about it? You see, she is being watched every +minute of the time by detectives, spies, secret agents, lawyers, and +Heaven knows who else. The instant she leaves Paris, bang! It will be +like the starter's shot in a race. They will be after her like a streak. +And if you are not very, very clever they will play hob with +everything." + +"Then why run the risk?" I ventured. + +"My two brothers are coming with her," she said reassuringly. "They +are such big, strong fellows that--" + +"My dear Countess, it isn't strength we'll need," I deplored. + +"No, no, I quite understand. It is cunning, strategy, caution, and all +that sort of thing. But I will let you know in ample time, so that you +may be prepared." + +"Do!" I said gallantly, trying to be enthusiastic. + +"You are so wonderfully ingenious at working out plots and conspiracies +in your books, Mr. Smart, that I am confident you can manage everything +beautifully." + +Blatchford was removing my salad plate. A spasm of alarm came over me. +I had quite forgotten the two men. The look of warning I gave her +brought forth a merry, amused smile. + +"Don't hesitate to speak before Blatchford and Hawkes," she said, to +my astonishment. "They are to be trusted implicitly. Isn't it true, +Hawkes?" + +"It is, Madam," said he. + +"Do you mean to say, Countess, that--" + +"It has all been quite satisfactorily attended to through Mr. +Poopendyke," she said. "He consulted me before definitely engaging any +one, Mr. Smart, and I referred him to my lawyers in Vienna. I do hope +Hawkes and Blatchford and Henri, the chef, are quite satisfactory to +you. They were recently employed by some one in the British embassy +at--" + +"Pray rest easy, Countess," I managed to say, interrupting out of +consideration for Hawkes and Blatchford, who, I thought, might feel +uncomfortable at hearing themselves discussed so impersonally. +"Everything is most satisfactory. I did not realise that I had you to +thank for my present mental and gastronomical comfort. You have +surrounded me with diadems." + +Hawkes and Blatchford very gravely and in unison said: "Thank you, +sir." + +"And now let us talk about something else," she said complacently, as +if the project of getting the rest of her family into the castle were +already off her mind. "I can't tell you how much I enjoyed your last +book, Mr. Smart. It is so exciting. Why do you call it 'The Fairest +of the Fair'?" + +"Because my publisher insisted on substituting that title for the one +I had chosen myself. I'll admit that it doesn't fit the story, my dear +Countess, but what is an author to do when his publisher announces +that he has a beautiful head of a girl he wants to put on the cover +and that the title must fit the cover, so to speak?" + +"But I don't consider it a beautiful head, Mr. Smart. A very flashy +blonde with all the earmarks of having posed in the chorus between the +days when she posed for your artist. And your heroine has very dark +hair in the book. Why did they make her a blonde on the cover?" + +"Because they didn't happen to have anything but blonde pictures in +stock," said I, cheerfully. "A little thing like that doesn't matter, +when it comes to literature, my dear Countess. It isn't the hair that +counts. It's the hat." + +"But I should think it would confuse the reader," she insisted. "The +last picture in the book has her with inky black hair, while in all +the others she is quite blonde." + +"A really intelligent reader doesn't have to be told that the artist +changed his model before he got to the last picture," said I, and I +am quite confident she didn't hear me grate my teeth. + +"But the critics must have noticed the error and commented upon it." + +"My dear Countess, the critics never see the last picture in a book. +They are much too clever for that." + +She pondered. "I suppose they must get horribly sick of all the books +they have to read." + +"And they never have a chance to experience the delicious period of +convalescence that persons with less chronic afflictions have to look +forward to," said I, very gently. "They go from one disease to another, +poor chaps." + +"I once knew an author at Newport who said he hated every critic on +earth," she said. + +"I should think he might," said I, without hesitation. It was not until +the next afternoon that she got the full significance of the remark. + +As I never encourage any one who seeks to discuss my stories with me, +being a modest chap with a flaw in my vanity, she abandoned the subject +after a few ineffectual attempts to find out how I get my plots, how +I write my books, and how I keep from losing my mind. + +"Would you be entertained by a real mystery?" she asked, leaning toward +me with a gleam of excitement in her eyes. Very promptly I said I +should be. We were having our coffee. Hawkes and Blatchford had left +the room. "Well, tradition says that one of the old barons buried a +vast treasure in the cellar of this--" + +"Stop!" I commanded, shaking my head. "Haven't I just said that I don't +want to talk about literature? Buried treasure is the very worst form +of literature." + +"Very well," she said indignantly. "You will be sorry when you hear +I've dug it up and made off with it." + +I pricked up my ears. This made a difference. "Are you going to hunt +for it yourself?" + +"I am," she said resolutely. + +"In those dark, dank, grewsome cellars?" + +"Certainly." + +"Alone?" + +"If necessary," she said, looking at me over the edge of the coffee +cup. + +"Tell me all about it," said I. + +"Oh, we sha'n't find it, of course," said she calmly. I made note of +the pronoun. "They've been searching for it for two centuries without +success. My--that is, Mr. Pless has spent days down there. He is very +hard-up, you know. It would come in very handy for him." + +I glowered. "I'm glad he's gone. I don't like the idea of his looking +for treasures in my castle." + +She gave me a smile for that. + + + +CHAPTER X + +I AGREE TO MEET THE ENEMY + +That night I dreamed of going down, down, down into the bowels of the +earth after buried treasure, and finding at the end of my hours of +travel the countess's mother sitting in bleak splendour on a chest of +gold with her feet drawn up and surrounded by an audience of spiders. + +For an hour or more after leaving the enchanted rooms near the roof, +I lounged in my study, persistently attentive to the portrait of Ludwig +the Red, with my ears straining for sounds from the other side of the +secret panels. Alas! those panels were many cubits thick and as staunch +as the sides of a battleship. But there was a vast satisfaction in +knowing that she was there, asleep perhaps, with her brown head pillowed +close to the wall but little more than an arm's length from the crimson +waistcoat of Ludwig the Red,--for he sat rather low like a Chinese god +and supported his waistcoat with his knees. A gross, forbidding chap +was he! The story was told of him that he could quaff a flagon of ale +at a single gulp. Looking at his portrait, one could not help thinking +what a pitifully infinitesimal thing a flagon of ale is after all. + +Morning came and with it a sullen determination to get down to work +on my long neglected novel. I went down to breakfast. Everything about +the place looked bleak and dreary and as grey as a granite tombstone. +Hawkes, who but twelve hours before had seemed the embodiment of life +in its most resilient form, now appeared as a drab nemesis with wooden +legs and a frozen leer. My coffee was bitter, the peaches were like +sponges, the bacon and rolls of uniform sogginess and the eggs of a +strange liverish hue. I sat there alone, gloomy and depressed, +contrasting the hateful sunshine with the soft, witching refulgence +of twenty-four candles and the light that lies in a woman's eyes. + +"A fine morning, sir," said Hawkes in a voice that seemed to come from +the grave. It was the first time I had ever heard him speak so +dolorously of the morning. Ordinarily he was a pleasant voiced fellow. + +"Is it?" said I, and my voice sounded gloomier than his. I was not +sure of it, but it seemed to me that he made a movement with his hand +as if about to put it to his lips. Seeing that I was regarding him +rather fixedly, he allowed it to remain suspended a little above his +hip, quite on a line with the other one. His elbows were crooked at +the proper angle I noticed, so I must have been doing him an injustice. +He couldn't have had anything disrespectful in mind. + +"Send Mr. Poopendyke to me, Hawkes, immediately after I've finished +my breakfast." + +"Very good, sir. Oh, I beg pardon, sir. I am forgetting, Mr. Poopendyke +is out. He asked me to tell you he wouldn't return before eleven." + +"Out? What business has he to be out?" + +"Well, sir, I mean to say, he's not precisely out, and he isn't just +what one would call in. He is up in the--ahem!--the east wing, sir, +taking down some correspondence for the--for the lady, sir." + +I arose to the occasion. "Quite so, quite so. I had forgotten the +appointment." + +"Yes, sir, I thought you had." + +"Ahem! I daresay Britton will do quite as well. Tell him to--" + +"Britton, sir, has gone over to the city for the newspapers. You forget +that he goes every morning as soon as he has had his--" + +"Yes, yes! Certainly," I said hastily. "The papers. Ha, ha! Quite +right." + +It was news to me, but it wouldn't do to let him know it. The countess +read the papers, I did not. I steadfastly persisted in ignoring the +Paris edition of the _New York Herald_ for fear that the delightful +mystery might disintegrate, so to speak, before my eyes, or become the +commonplace scandal that all the world was enjoying. As it stood now, +I had it all to myself--that is to say, the mystery. Mr. Poopendyke +reads aloud the baseball scores to me, and nothing else. + +It was nearly twelve when my secretary reported to me on this particular +morning, and he seemed a trifle hazy as to the results of the games. +After he had mumbled something about rain or wet grounds, I coldly +enquired: + +"Mr. Poopendyke, are you employed by me or by that woman upstairs?" +I would never have spoken of her as "that woman," believe me, if I had +not been in a state of irritation. + +He looked positively stunned. "Sir?" he gasped. + +I did not repeat the question, but managed to demand rather fiercely: +"Are you?" + +"The countess had got dreadfully behind with her work, sir, and I +thought you wouldn't mind if I helped her out a bit," he explained +nervously. + +"Work? What work?" + +"Her diary, sir. She is keeping a diary." + +"Indeed!" + +"It is very interesting, Mr. Smart. Rather beats any novel I've read +lately. We--we've brought it quite up to date. I wrote at least three +pages about the dinner last night. If I am to believe what she puts +into her diary, it must have been a delightful occasion, as the +newspapers would say." + +I was somewhat mollified. "What did she have to say about it, Fred?" +I asked. It always pleased him to be called Fred. + +"That would be betraying a confidence," said he. "I will say this much, +however: I think I wrote your name fifty times or more in connection +with it." + +"Rubbish!" said I. + +"Not at all!" said he, with agreeable spirit. + +A sudden chill came over me. "She isn't figuring on having it published, +is she?" + +"I can't say as to that," was his disquieting reply. "It wasn't any +of my business, so I didn't ask." + +"Oh," said I, "I see." + +"I think it is safe to assume, however, that it is not meant for +publication," said he. "It strikes me as being a bit too personal. +There are parts of it that I don't believe she'd dare to put into +print, although she reeled them off to me without so much as a blush. +'Pon my soul, Mr. Smart, I never was so embarrassed in my life. She--" + +"Never mind," I interrupted hastily. "Don't tell tales out of school." + +He was silent for a moment, fingering his big eyeglasses nervously. +"It may please you to know that she thinks you are an exceedingly nice +man." + +"No, it doesn't!" I roared irascibly. "I'm damned if I like being +called an exceedingly nice man." + +"They were my words, sir, not hers," he explained desperately. "I was +merely putting two and two together--forming an opinion from her manner +not from her words. She is very particular to mention everything you +do for her, and thanks me if I call her attention to anything she may +have forgotten. She certainly appreciates your kindness to the baby." + +"That is extremely gratifying," said I acidly. + +He hesitated once more. "Of course, you understand that the divorce +itself is absolute. It's only the matter of the child that remains +unsettled. The--" + +I fairly barked at him. "What the devil do you mean by that, sir? What +has the divorce got to do with it?" + +"A great deal, I should say," said he, with the rare, almost superhuman +patience that has made him so valuable to me. + +"Upon my soul!" was all that I could say. + +Hawkes rapped on the door luckily at that instant. + +"The men from the telephone company are here, sir, and the electricians. +Where are they to begin, sir?" + +"Tell them to wait," said I. Then I hurried to the top of the east +wing to ask if she had the least objection to an extension 'phone being +placed in my study. She thought it would be very nice, so I returned +with instructions for the men to put in three instruments: one in her +room, one in mine, and one in the butler's pantry. It seemed a very +jolly arrangement all 'round. As for the electric bell system, it would +speak for itself. + +Toward the middle of the afternoon when Mr. Poopendyke and I were hard +at work on my synopsis we were startled by a dull, mysterious pounding +on the wall hard by. We paused to listen. It was quite impossible to +locate the sound, which ceased almost immediately. Our first thought +was that the telephone men were drilling a hole through the wall into +my study. Then came the sharp rat-a-ta-tat once more. Even as we looked +about us in bewilderment, the portly facade of Ludwig the Red moved +out of alignment with a heart-rending squeak and a long thin streak +of black appeared at the inner edge of the frame, growing wider,--and +blacker if anything,--before our startled eyes. + +"Are you at home?" inquired a voice that couldn't by any means have +emanated from the chest of Ludwig, even in his mellowest hours. + +I leaped to my feet and started across the room with great strides. +My secretary's eyes were glued to the magic portrait. His fingers, +looking like claws, hung suspended over the keyboard of the typewriter. + +"By the Lord Harry!" I cried. "Yes!" + +The secret door swung quietly open, laying Ludwig's face to the wall, +and in the aperture stood my amazing neighbour, as lovely a portrait +as you'd see in a year's trip through all the galleries in the world. +She was smiling down upon us from the slightly elevated position, a +charming figure in the very latest Parisian hat and gown. Something +grey and black and exceedingly chic, I remember saying to Poopendyke +afterwards in response to a question of his. + +"I am out making afternoon calls," said she. Her face was flushed with +excitement and self-consciousness. "Will you please put a chair here +so that I may hop down?" + +For answer, I reached up a pair of valiant arms. She laughed, leaned +forward and placed her hands on my shoulders. My hands found her waist +and I lifted her gently, gracefully to the floor. + +"How strong you are!" she said admiringly. "How do you do, Mr. +Poopendyke! Dear me! I am not a ghost, sir!" + +His fingers dropped to the keyboard. "How do you do," he jerked out. +Then he felt of his heart. "My God! I don't believe it's going." + +Together we inspected the secret doors, going so far as to enter the +room beyond, the Countess peering through after us from my study. To +my amazement the room was absolutely bare. Bed, trunks, garments, +chairs--everything in fact had vanished as if whisked away by an +all-powerful genie. + +"What does this mean?" I cried, turning to her. + +"I don't mind sleeping upstairs, now that I have a telephone," she +said serenely. "Max and Rudolph moved everything up this afternoon." + +Poopendyke and I returned to the study. I, for one, was bitterly +disappointed. + +"I'm sorry that I had the 'phone put in," I said. + +"Please don't call it a 'phone!" she objected. "I hate the word 'phone." + +"So do I," said Poopendyke recklessly. + +I glared at _him_. What right had he to criticise my manner of speech? +He started to leave the room, after a perfunctory scramble to put his +papers in order, but she broke off in the middle of a sentence to urge +him to remain. She announced that she was calling on both of us. + +"Please don't stop your work on my account," she said, and promptly +sat down at his typewriter and began pecking at the keys. "You must +teach me how to run a typewriter, Mr. Poopendyke. I shall be as poor +as a church mouse before long, and I know father won't help me. I may +have to become a stenographer." + +He blushed abominably. I don't believe I've ever seen a more +unattractive fellow than Poopendyke. + +"Oh, every cloud has its silver lining," said he awkwardly. + +"But I am used to gold," said she. The bell on the machine tinkled. +"What do I do now?" He made the shift and the space for her. + +"Go right ahead," said he. She scrambled the whole alphabet across his +neat sheet but he didn't seem to mind. + +"Isn't it jolly, Mr. Smart? If Mr. Poopendyke should ever leave you, +I may be able to take his place as your secretary." + +I bowed very low. "You may be quite sure, Countess, that I shall dismiss +Mr. Poopendyke the instant you apply for his job." + +"And I shall most cheerfully abdicate," said he. Silly ass! + +I couldn't help thinking how infinitely more attractive and perilous +she would be as a typist than the excellent young woman who had married +the jeweller's clerk, and what an improvement on Poopendyke! + +"I came down to inquire when you would like to go exploring for buried +treasure, Mr. Smart," she said, after the cylinder had slipped back +with a bang that almost startled her out of her pretty boots and caused +her to give up typewriting then and there, forevermore. + +"Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day," quoted I glibly. + +She looked herself over. "If you knew how many times this gown had to +be put off till to-morrow, you wouldn't ask me to ruin it the second +time I've had it on my back." + +"It is an uncommonly attractive gown," said I. + +"Shall we set to-morrow for the treasure quest?" + +"To-morrow is Sunday." + +"Can you think of a better way to kill it?" + +"Yes, you might have me down here for an old-fashioned midday dinner." + +"Capital! Why not stay for supper, too?" + +"It would be too much like spending a day with relatives," she said. +"We'll go treasure hunting on Monday. I haven't the faintest notion +where to look, but that shouldn't make any difference. No one else +ever had. By the way, Mr. Smart, I have a bone to pick with you. Have +you seen yesterday's papers? Well, in one of them, there is a long +account of my--of Mr. Pless's visit to your castle, and a lengthy +interview in which you are quoted as saying that he is one of your +dearest friends and a much maligned man who deserves the sympathy of +every law-abiding citizen in the land." + +"An abominable lie!" I cried indignantly. "Confound the newspapers!" + +"Another paper says that your fortune has been placed at his disposal +in the fight he is making against the criminally rich Americans. In +this particular article you are quoted as saying that I am a dreadful +person and not fit to have the custody of a child." + +"Good Lord!" I gasped helplessly. + +"You also expect to do everything in your power to interest the +administration at Washington in his behalf." + +"Well, of all the--Oh, I say, Countess, you don't believe a word of +all this, do you?" + +She regarded me pensively. "You have said some very mean, uncivil +things to me." + +"If I thought you believed--" I began desperately, but her sudden smile +relieved me of the necessity of jumping into the river. "By Jove, I +shall write to these miserable sheets, denying every word they've +printed. And what's more, I'll bring an action for damages against all +of 'em. Why, it is positively atrocious! The whole world will think +I despise you and--" I stopped very abruptly in great confusion. + +"And--you don't?" she queried, with real seriousness in her voice. +"You don't despise me?" + +"Certainly _not!_" I cried vehemently. Turning to Poopendyke, I said: +"Mr. Poopendyke, will you at once prepare a complete and emphatic +denial of every da--of every word they have printed about me, and I'll +send it to all the American correspondents in Europe. We'll cable it +ourselves to the United States. I sha'n't rest until I am set straight +in the eyes of my fellow-countrymen. The whole world shall know, +Countess, that I am for you first, last and all the time. It shall +know--" + +"But you don't know who I am, Mr. Smart," she broke in, her cheeks +very warm and rosy. "How can you publicly espouse the cause of one +whose name you refuse to have mentioned in your presence?" + +I dismissed her question with a wave of the hand: "Poopendyke can +supply the name after I have signed the statement. I give him carte +blanche. The name has nothing to do with the case, so far as I am +concerned. Write it, Fred, and make it strong." + +She came up to me and held out her hand. "I knew you would do it," she +said softly. "Thanks." + +I bent low over the gloved little hand. "Don Quixote was a happy +gentleman, Countess, with all his idiosyncrasies, and so am I." + +She not only came for dinner with us on Sunday, but made the dressing +for my alligator pear salad. We were besieged by the usual crowd of +Sunday sight-seers, who came clamouring at our staunch, reinforced +gates, and anathematised me soundly for refusing admission. One +bourgeoise party of fifteen refused to leave the plaza until their +return fares on the ferry barge were paid stoutly maintaining that +they had come over in good faith and wouldn't leave until I had +reimbursed them to the extent of fifty hellers apiece, ferry fare. I +sent Britton out with the money. He returned with the rather disquieting +news that he had recognised two of Mr. Pless's secret agents in the +mob. + +"I wonder if he suspects that I am here," said the Countess paling +perceptibly when I mentioned the presence of the two men. + +"It doesn't matter," said I. "He can't get into the castle while the +gates are locked, and, by Jove, I intend to keep them locked." + +"What a delightful ogre you are, Mr. Smart," said she. + +Nevertheless, I did not sleep well that night. The presence of the two +detectives outside my gates was not to be taken too lightly. +Unquestionably they had got wind of something that aroused suspicion +in their minds. I confidently expected them to reappear in the morning, +perhaps disguised as workmen. Nor were my fears wholly unjustified. + +Shortly after nine o'clock a sly-faced man in overalls accosted me in +the hall. + +"I beg your pardon, Mr. Smart," he said in fairly good English, "may +I have a word with you? I have a message from Mr. Pless." I don't +believe he observed the look of concern that flitted across my face. + +"From Mr. Pless?" I inquired, simulating surprise. Then I looked him +over so curiously that he laughed in a quiet, simple way. + +"I am an agent of the secret service," he explained coolly. "Yesterday +I failed to gain admission as a visitor, to-day I come as a labourer. +We work in a mysterious way, sir." + +"Is it necessary for Mr. Pless to resort to a subterfuge of this +character in order to get a message to me?" I demanded indignantly. + +He shrugged his shoulders. + +"It was not necessary yesterday, but it is to-day," said he. He leaned +closer and lowered his voice. "Our every movement is being watched by +the Countess's detectives. We are obliged to resort to trickery to +throw them off the scent. Mr. Pless has read what you had to say in +the newspapers and he is too grateful, sir, to subject you to +unnecessary annoyance at the hands of her agents. Your friendship is +sacred to him. He realises that it means a great deal to have the +support of one so powerful with the United States government. If we +are to work together, Mr. Smart, in bringing this woman to justice, +it must be managed with extreme skill or her family may--" + +"What is this you are saying?" I broke in, scarcely able to believe +my ears. + +"I speak English so badly," he apologised. "Perhaps I should do no +more than to give you his message. He would have you to meet him +secretly to-night at the Rempf Hotel across the river. It is most +important that you should do so, and that you should exercise great +caution. I am to take your reply back to him." + +For an instant I was fairly stupefied. Then I experienced a feeling +of relief so vast that he must have seen the gleam of triumph in my +eyes. The trick was mine, after all. + +"Come into my study," I said. He followed me upstairs and into the +room. Poopendyke was there. "This is my secretary, you may speak freely +before him." Turning to Poopendyke, I said: "You have not sent that +statement to the newspapers, have you? Well, let it rest for a day or +two. Mr. Pless has sent a representative to see me." I scowled at my +secretary, and he had the sense to hide his astonishment. + +The fellow repeated what he had said before, and added a few +instructions which I was to follow with care if I would do Mr. Pless +the honour to wait upon him that evening at the Rempf Hotel. + +"You may tell Mr. Pless that I shall be there at nine," said I. The +agent departed. When he was safely out of the room, I explained the +situation to Poopendyke, and then made my way through the secret panels +to the Countess's rooms. + +She was ready for the subterranean journey in quest of treasure, attired +in a neat walking skirt, with her bonny hair encased in a swimming cap +as a guard against cobwebs. + +"Then you don't intend to send out the statements?" she cried in +disappointment. "You are going to let every one think you are his +friend and not mine?" + +I was greatly elated. Her very unreasonableness was a prize that I +could not fail to cherish. + +"Only for the time being," I said eagerly. "Don't you see the advantage +we gain by fooling him? Why, it is splendid--positively splendid!" + +She pouted. "I don't feel at all sure of you now, Mr. Smart," she said, +sitting down rather dejectedly in a chair near the fireplace. "I believe +you are ready to turn against me. You want to be rid of me. I am a +nuisance, a source of trouble to you. You will tell him that I am +here--" + +I stood over her, trying my best to scowl. "You know better than that. +You know I--I am as loyal as--as can be. Hang it all," I burst out +impulsively, "do you suppose for a minute that I want to hand you over +to that infernal rascal, now that I've come to--that is to say, now +that we're such ripping good friends?" + +She looked up at me very pathetically at first. Then her expression +changed swiftly to one of wonder and the most penetrating inquiry. +Slowly a flush crept into her cheeks and her eyes wavered. + +"I--I think I can trust you to--to do the right thing by me," she said, +descending to a banality in her confusion. + +I held out my hand. She laid hers in it rather timidly, almost as if +she was afraid of me. "I shall not fail you," said I without the +faintest intention to be heroic but immediately conscious of having +used an expression so trite that my cheek flamed with humiliation. + +For some unaccountable reason she arose hastily from the chair and +walked to the window. A similar reason, no doubt, held me rooted rather +safely to the spot on which I stood. I have a vague recollection of +feeling dizzy and rather short of breath. My heart was acting queerly. + +"Why do you suppose he wants to see you?" she asked, after a moment, +turning toward me again. She was as calm as a summer breeze. All trace +of nervousness had left her. + +"I can't even supply a guess." + +"You must be very, very tactful," she said uneasily. "I know him so +well. He is very cunning." + +"I am accustomed to dealing with villains," said I. "They always come +to a bad end in my books, and virtue triumphs." + +"But this isn't a book," she protested. "Besides virtue never triumphs +in an international marriage. You must come--to see me to-night after +you return from town. I won't sleep until I've heard everything." + +"I may be very late," I said, contriving to hide my eagerness pretty +well, I thought. + +"I shall wait for you, Mr. Smart," she said, very distinctly. I took +it as a command and bowed in submission. "There is no one here to +gossip, so we may be as careless as we please about appearances. You +will be hungry, too, when you come in. I shall have a nice supper ready +for you." She frowned faintly. "You must not, under any circumstance, +spoil everything by having supper with _him._" + +"Again I repeat, you may trust me implicitly to do the right thing," +said I beamingly. "And now, what do you say to our trip to the bottom +of the castle?" + +She shook her head. "Not with the house full of spies, my dear friend. +We'll save that for another day. A rainy day perhaps. I feel like +having all the sunshine I can get to-day. To-night I shall be gloomy +and very lonely. I shall take Rosemary and Jinko out upon the top of +the tower and play all day in the sun." + +I had an idea. "I am sure I should enjoy a little sunshine myself. May +I come too?" + +She looked me straight in the eye. There was a touch of dignity in her +voice when she spoke. + +"Not to-day, Mr. Smart." + +A most unfathomable person! + + + +CHAPTER XI + +I AM INVITED TO SPEND MONEY + +Any one who has travelled in the Valley of the Donau knows the Rempf +Hotel. It is an ancient hostelry, frequented quite as much in these +days as it was in olden times by people who are by way of knowing the +excellence of its cuisine and the character of its wines. Unless one +possesses this intelligence, either through hearsay or experience, he +will pass by the Rempf without so much as a glance at its rather +forbidding exterior and make for the modern hotel on the platz, thereby +missing one of the most interesting spots in this grim old town. Is +it to the fashionable Bellevue that the nobility and the elect wend +their way when they come to town? Not by any means. They affect the +Rempf, and there you may see them in fat, inglorious plenty smugly +execrating the plebeian rich of many lands who dismiss Rempf's with +a sniff, and enjoying to their heart's content a privacy which the +aforesaid rich would not consider at any price. + +You may be quite sure that the rates are low at the historic Rempf, +and that they would be much lower if the nobility had anything to say +about it. One can get a very comfortable room, without bath, at the +Rempf for a dollar a day, provided he gets in ahead of the native +aristocracy. If he insists on having a room with bath he is guilty of +_lese majeste_ and is sent on his way. + +But, bath or no bath, the food is the best in the entire valley and +the cellar without a rival. + +I found Mr. Pless at the Rempf at nine o'clock. He was in his room +when I entered the quaint old place and approached the rotund manager +with considerable uncertainty in my manner. For whom was I to inquire? +Would he be known there as Pless? + +The manager gave me a broad (I was about to say serviceable) smile and +put my mind at rest by blandly inquiring if I was the gentleman who +wished to see Mr. Pless. He directed me to the top floor of the hotel +and I mounted two flights of stairs at the heels of a porter who +exercised native thrift by carrying up a large trunk, thus saving time +and steps after a fashion, although it may be hard to see wherein he +really benefited when I say that after escorting me to a room on the +third floor and knocking at the door while balancing the trunk on his +back, he descended to the second and delivered his burden in triumph +to the lady who had been calling for it since six o'clock in the +evening. But even at that he displayed considerable cunning in not +forgetting what room the luggage belonged in, thereby saving himself +a trip all the way down to the office and back with the trunk. + +Mr. Pless welcomed me with a great deal of warmth. He called me "dear +old fellow" and shook hands with me with more heartiness than I had +thought him capable of expressing. His dark, handsome face was aglow +with pleasure. He was quite boyish. A smallish old gentleman was with +him. My introduction to the stranger was a sort of afterthought, it +seemed to me. I was informed that he was one of the greatest lawyers +and advocates in Vienna and Mr. Pless's personal adviser in the +"unfortunate controversy." + +I accepted a cigar. + +"So you knew who I was all the time I was at Schloss Rothhoefen," said +Mr. Pless, smiling amiably. "I was trying to maintain my incognito so +that you might not be distressed, Mr. Smart, by having in your home +such a notorious character as I am supposed to be. I confess it was +rather shabby in me, but I hold your excellent friends responsible for +the trick." + +"It is rather difficult to keep a secret with women about," said I +evasively. + +"But never difficult to construct one," said Mr. Schymansky, winking +rather too broadly. I think Schymansky was the name. + +"By the way," said I, "I have had no word from our mutual friends. +Have you seen them?" + +Mr. Pless stiffened. His face grew perceptibly older. + +"I regret to inform you, Mr. Smart, that our relations are not quite +as friendly as they once were. I have reason to suspect that Mr. Smith +has been working against me for the past two or three days, to such +an extent, I may say, that the Ambassador now declines to advise your +government to grant us certain privileges we had hoped to secure without +trouble. In short, we have just heard that he will not ask the United +States to consider anything in the shape of an extradition if the +Countess is apprehended in her own country. Up to yesterday we felt +confident that he would advise your State Department to turn the child +over to our representatives in case she is to be found there. There +has been underhand work going on, and Mr. Smith is at the bottom of +it. He wantonly insulted me the day we left Rothhoefen. I have +challenged him, but he--he committed the most diabolical breach of +etiquette by threatening to kick my friend the Baron out of his rooms +when he waited upon him yesterday morning." + +With difficulty I restrained a desire to shout the single word: "Good!" +I was proud of Billy Smith. Controlling my exultation, I merely said: +"Perfectly diabolical! Perfectly!" + +"I have no doubt, however, should our Minister make a formal demand +upon your Secretary of State, the cause of justice would be sustained. +It is a clear case of abduction, as you so forcibly declare in the +interviews, Mr. Smart. I cannot adequately express my gratification +for the stand you have taken. Will you be offended if I add that it +was rather unexpected? I had the feeling that you were against me, +that you did not like me." + +I smiled deprecatingly. "As I seldom read the newspapers, I am not +quite sure that they have done justice to my real feelings in the +matter." + +The lawyer sitting directly opposite to me, was watching my face +intently. "They quoted you rather freely, sir," said he. Instinctively +I felt that here was a wily person whom it would be difficult to +deceive. "The Count is to be congratulated upon having the good will +of so distinguished a gentleman as John Bellamy Smart. It will carry +great weight, believe me." + +"Oh, you will find to your sorrow that I cut a very small figure in +national politics," said I. "Pray do not deceive yourselves." + +"May I offer you a brandy and soda?" asked Mr. Pless, tapping sharply +on the table top with his seal ring. Instantly his French valet, still +bearing faint traces of the drubbing he had sustained at Britton's +hands, appeared in the bedchamber door. + +"Thank you, no," I made haste to say. "I am on the water wagon." + +"I beg your pardon," said Mr. Pless in perplexity. + +"I am not drinking, Mr. Pless," I explained. + +"Sorry," said he, and curtly dismissed the man. I had a notion that +the great lawyer looked a trifle disappointed. "I fancy you are +wondering why I sent for you, Mr. Smart." + +"I am." + +"Am I to assume that the newspapers were correct in stating that you +mean to support my cause with--I may say, to the full extent of your +powers?" + +"It depends on circumstances, Mr. Pless." + +"Circumstances?" He eyed me rather coldly, as if to say, "What right +have you to suggest circumstances?" + +"Perhaps I should have said that it depends somewhat on what my powers +represent." + +He crossed his slender legs comfortably and looked at me with a queer +little tilt of his left eyebrow, but with an unsmiling visage. He was +too cocksure of himself to grant me even so much as an ingratiating +smile. Was not I a glory-seeking American and he one of the glorious? +It would be doing me a favour to let me help him. + +"I trust you will understand, Mr. Smart, that I do not ask a favour +of you, but rather put myself under a certain obligation for the time +being. You have become a land-owner in this country, and as such, you +should ally yourself with the representative people of our land. It +is not an easy matter for a foreigner to plant himself in our midst, +so to speak,--as a mushroom,--and expect to thrive on limited favours. +I can be of assistance to you. My position, as you doubtless know, is +rather a superior one in the capital. An unfortunate marriage has not +lessened the power that I possess as a birthright nor the esteem in +which I am held throughout Europe. The disgraceful methods employed +by my former wife in securing a divorce are well known to you, I take +it, and I am gratified to observe that you frown upon them. I suppose +you know the whole story?" + +"I think I do," said I, quietly. I have never known such consummate +self-assurance as the fellow displayed. + +"Then you are aware that her father has defaulted under the terms of +an ante-nuptial agreement. There is still due me, under the contract, +a round million of your exceedingly useful dollars." + +"With the interest to be added," said the lawyer, thrumming on the +chair-arm with his fingers something after the fashion my mother always +employs in computing a simple sum in addition. + +"Certainly," said Mr. Pless, sharply. "Mr. Smart understands that quite +clearly, Mr. Schymansky. It isn't necessary to enlighten him." + +The lawyer cleared his throat. I knew him at once for a shyster. Mr. +Pless continued, addressing me. + +"Of course he will have to pay this money before his daughter may even +hope to gain from me the right to share the custody of our little girl, +who loves me devotedly. When the debt is fully liquidated, I may consent +to an arrangement by which she shall have the child part of the time +at least." + +"It seems to me she has the upper hand of you at present, however," +I said, not without secret satisfaction. "She may be in America by +this time." + +"I think not," said he. "Every steamship has-been watched for days, +and we are quite positive she has not sailed. There is the possibility, +however, that she may, have been taken by motor to some out-of-the-way +place where she will await the chance to slip away by means of a +specially chartered ship. It is this very thing that we are seeking +to prevent. I do not hesitate to admit that if she once gets the child +to New York, we may expect serious difficulty in obtaining our rights. +I humbly confess that I have not the means to fight her in a land where +her father's millions count for so much. I am a poor man. My estates +are heavily involved through litigation started by my forbears. You +understand my position?" He said it with a rather pathetic twist of +his lips. + +"I understand that you received a million in cash at the time of the +wedding," said I. "What has become of all that?" + +He shrugged his shoulders. "Can you expect me to indulge an extravagant +wife, who seeks to become a social queen, and still save anything out +of a paltry million?" + +"Oh, I see. This is a new phase of the matter that hasn't been revealed +to me. It was she who spent the million?" + +"After a fashion, yes," said he, without a spark of shame. "The chateau +was in rather a dilapidated condition, and she insisted on its +restoration. It was also necessary to spend a great deal of money in +the effort to secure for herself a certain position in society. My own +position was not sufficient for her. She wanted to improve upon it, +I might say. We entertained a great deal, and lavishly. She was +accustomed to gratifying every taste and whim that money could purchase. +Naturally, it was not long before we were hard pressed for funds. I +went to New York a year ago and put the matter clearly before her +father. He met me with another proposition which rather disgusted me. +I am a man who believes in fair dealing. If I have an obligation I +meet it. Isn't that true, Mr. Schymansky?" + +"It is," said the lawyer. + +"Her father revoked his original plan and suggested an alternative. +He proposed to put the million in trust for his granddaughter, our +Rosemary,--a name, sir, that I abominate and which was given to her +after my wife had sulked for weeks,--the interest to be paid to his +daughter until the child reached the age of twenty-one. Of course, I +could not accept such an arrangement. It--" + +"Acting on my advice,--for I was present at the interview,--the Count +emphatically declined to entertain--" + +"Never mind, Schymansky," broke in the Count petulantly. "What is the +use of going into all that?" He appeared to reflect for a moment. "Will +you be good enough to leave the room for awhile, Mr. Schymansky? I +think Mr. Smart and I can safely manage a friendly compact without +your assistance. Eh, Mr. Smart?" + +I couldn't feel sorry for Schymansky. He hadn't the backbone of an +angleworm. If I were a lawyer and a client of mine were to speak to +me as Pless spoke to him, I firmly believe I should have had at least +a fair sprinkling of his blood upon my hands. + +"I beg of you, Count, to observe caution and--" + +"If you please, sir!" cut in the Count, with the austerity that makes +the continental nobleman what he is. + +"If you require my services, you will find me in the--" + +"Not in the hall, I trust," said his client in a most insulting way. + +Schymansky left the room without so much as a glance at me. He struck +me as a man who knew his place better than any menial I've ever seen. +I particularly noticed that not even his ears were red. + +"Rather rough way to handle a lawyer, it strikes me," said I. "Isn't +he any good?" + +"He is as good as the best of them," said the Count, lighting his +fourth or fifth cigarette. "I have no patience with the way they muddle +matters by always talking law, law, law! If it were left to me, I +should dismiss the whole lot of them and depend entirely upon my +common-sense. If it hadn't been for the lawyers, I am convinced that +all this trouble could have been avoided, or at least amicably adjusted +out of court. But I am saddled with half a dozen of them, simply because +two or three banks and as many private interests are inclined to be +officious. They claim that my interests are theirs, but I doubt it, +by Jove, I do. They're a blood-sucking lot, these bankers. But I sha'n't +bore you with trivialities. Now here is the situation in a word. It +is quite impossible for me to prosecute the search for my child without +financial assistance from outside sources. My funds are practically +exhausted and the banks refuse to extend my credit. You have publicly +declared yourself to be my friend and well-wisher. I have asked you +to come here to-night, Mr. Smart, to put you to the real test, so to +I speak. I want one hundred thousand dollars for six months." + +While I was prepared in a sense for the request, the brazenness with +which he put it up to me took my breath away. I am afraid that the +degage manner in which he paid compliment to my affluence was too much +for me. I blinked my eyes rapidly for a second or two and then allowed +them to settle into a stare of perplexity. + +"Really, Mr. Pless," I mumbled in direct contrast to his sangfroid, +"you--you surprise me." + +He laughed quietly, almost reassuringly, as he leaned forward in his +chair the better to study my face. "I hope you do not think that I +expect you to produce so much ready money to-night, Mr. Smart. Oh, no! +Any time within the next few days will be satisfactory. Take your time, +sir. I appreciate that it requires time to arrange for the--" + +I held up my hand with a rather lofty air. "Was it one hundred and +fifty thousand that you mentioned, or--" + +"That was the amount," said he, a sudden glitter in his eyes. + +I studied the ceiling with a calculating squint, as if trying to +approximate my balance in bank. He watched me closely, almost +breathlessly. At last, unable to control his eagerness, he said: + +"At the usual rate of interest, you understand." + +"Certainly," I said, and resumed my calculations. He got the impression +that I was annoyed by the interruption. + +"I beg your pardon," he said. + +"What security can you give, Mr. Pless?" I demanded in a very +business-like way. + +"Oh, you Americans!" he cried, his face beaming with premature relief. +"You will pin us down, I see. I do not wonder that you are so rich. I +shall give you my personal note, Mr. Smart, for the amount, secured +by a mortgage--a supplementary mortgage--on the Chateau Tarnowsy." + +Tarnowsy! Now I remembered everything. Tarnowsy! The name struck my +memory like a blow. What a stupid dolt I had been! The whole world had +rung wedding bells for the marriage of the Count Maris Tarnowsy, scion +of one of the greatest Hungarian houses, and Aline, the +nineteen-year-old daughter of Gwendolen and Jasper Titus, of New York, +Newport, Tuxedo, Hot Springs, Palm Beach and so forth. Jasper Titus, +the banker and railway magnate, whose name as well as his hand was to +be seen in every great financial movement of the last two decades! + +What a fool I was not to recall a marriage that had been not only on +the lips of every man, woman and child in the States but on mine in +particular, for I had bitterly execrated the deliverance into bondage +of this young girl of whose beauty and charm I had heard so much. + +The whole spectacular travesty came back to me with a rush, as I sat +there in the presence of the only man who had ever been known to get +the better of Jasper Titus in a trade. I remembered with some vividness +my scornful attitude toward the newspapers of the metropolis, all of +which fairly sloshed over with the news of the great event weeks +beforehand and weeks afterward. I was not the only man who said harsh +things about Jasper Titus in those days. I was but one of the multitude. + +I also recalled my scathing comments at the time of the divorce +proceedings. They were too caustic to be repeated here. It is only +necessary to state that the proceedings came near to putting two +friendly nations into very bad temper. Statesmen and diplomats were +drawn into the mess, and jingo congressmen on our side of the water +introduced sensational bills bearing specifically upon the international +marriage market. Newspaper humourists stood together as one man in +advocating a revision of the tariff upward on all foreign purchases +coming under the head of the sons of old masters. As I have said before +I did not follow the course of the nasty squabble very closely, and +was quite indifferent as to the result. I have a vague recollection +of some one telling me that a divorce had been granted, but that is +all. There was also something said about a child. + +My pleasant little mystery had come to a sharp and rather depressing +end. The lovely countess about whom I had cast the veil of secrecy was +no other than the much-discussed Aline Titus and Mr. Pless the expensive +Count Tarnowsy. Cold, hard facts took the place of indulgent fancies. +The dream was over. I was sorry to have it end. A joyous enthusiasm +had attended me while I worked in the dark; now a dreary reality stared +me in the face. The sparkle was gone. Is there anything so sad as a +glass of champagne when it has gone flat and lifeless? + +My cogitations were brief. The Count after waiting for a minute or two +to let me grasp the full importance of the sacrifice he was ready to +make in order to secure me against personal loss, blandly announced +that there were but two mortgages on the chateau, whereas nearly every +other place of the kind within his knowledge had thrice as many. + +"You wish me to accept a third mortgage on the place?" I inquired, +pursing my lips. + +"The Chateau is worth at least a million," he said earnestly. "But why +worry about that, Mr. Smart? My personal note is all that is necessary. +The matter of a mortgage is merely incidental. I believe it is +considered business-like by you Americans, so I stand quite ready to +abide by your habits. I shall soon be in possession of a million in +any event, so you are quite safe in advancing me any amount up to--" + +"Just a moment, Count," I interrupted, leaning forward in my chair. +"May I inquire where and from whom you received the impression that +I am a rich man?" + +He laughed easily. "One who indulges a whim, Mr. Smart, is always rich. +Schloss Rothhoefen condemns you to the purgatory of Croesus." + +"Croesus would be a poor man in these days," said I. "If he lived in +New York he would be wondering where his next meal was to come from. +You have made a very poor guess as to my wealth. I am not a rich man." + +He eyed me coldly. "Have you suddenly discovered the fact, sir?" + +"What do you mean?" + +"I suggest a way in which you can be of assistance to me, and you +hesitate. How am I to take it, sir?" + +His infernal air of superiority aggravated me. "You may take it just +as you please, Mr. Pless." + +"I beg you to remember that I am Count Tarnowsy. Mr.--" + +I arose. "The gist of the matter is this: you want to borrow one +hundred and fifty thousand dollars of me. That is--" + +He hastened to correct me. "I do not call it borrowing when one gives +ample security for the amount involved." + +"What is your idea of borrowing, may I ask?" + +"Borrowing is the same thing as asking a favour according to our +conception of the transaction. I am not asking a favour of you, sir. +Far from it. I am offering you an opportunity to put a certain amount +of money out at a high rate of interest." + +"Well, then, we'll look at it in that light. I am not in a position +to invest so much money at this time. To be perfectly frank with you, +I haven't the money lying loose." + +"Suppose that I were to say that any day inside the next three or four +weeks would be satisfactory to me," said he, as if he were granting +me a favour. "Please be seated, Mr. Smart." He glanced at his watch. +"I have ordered a light supper to be sent up at ten o'clock. We can--" + +"Thank you. I fear it is impossible for me to remain." + +"I shall be disappointed. However, another time if not to-night, I +trust. And now to come to the point. May I depend upon you to help me +at this trying period? A few thousand will be sufficient for present +needs, and the balance may go over a few weeks without seriously +inconveniencing me. If we can come to some sort of an understanding +to-night, my attorney will be happy to meet you to-morrow at any time +and place you may suggest." + +I actually was staggered. Upon my word it was almost as if he were +dunning me and magnanimously consenting to give me an extension of +time if I could see my way clear to let him have something on account. +My choler was rising. + +"I may as well tell you first as last, Count Tarnowsy, that I cannot +let you have the money. It is quite impossible. In the first place, +I haven't the amount to spare; in the second--" + +"Enough, sir," he broke in angrily. "I have committed the common error +of regarding one of you as a gentleman. Damn me, if I shall ever do +so again. There isn't one in the whole of the United States. Will you +be good enough, Mr. Smart, to overlook my mistake? I thank you for +taking the trouble to rush into print in my defence. If you have gained +anything by it, I do not begrudge you the satisfaction you must feel +in being heralded as the host of Count Tarnowsy and his friend. You +obtained the privilege very cheaply." + +"You will do well, sir, to keep a civil tongue in your head," said I, +paling with fury. + +"I have nothing more to say to you, Mr. Smart," said he contemptuously. +"Good night. Francois! Conduct Mr. Smart to the corridor." + +Francois--or "Franko" as Britton, whose French is very lame, had called +him--preceded me to the door. In all my experience, nothing has +surprised me so much as my ability to leave the room without first +kicking Francois' master, or at least telling him what I thought of +him. Strangely enough I did not recover my sense of speech until I was +well out into the corridor. Then I deliberately took a gold coin out +of my pocket and pressed it into the valet's hand. + +"Kindly give that to your master with my compliments," said I, in a +voice that was intended to reach Tarnowsy's ear. + +"Bon soir, m'sieu," said Francois, with an amiable grin. He watched +me descend the stairs and then softly closed the door. + +In the office I came upon Mr. Schymansky. + +"I trust everything is satisfactorily arranged, Mr.--" he began smiling +and rubbing his hands. He was so utterly unprepared for the severity +of the interruption that the smile was still in process of congealing +as I stepped out into the narrow, illy-lighted street. + +Max and Rudolph were waiting at the wharf for me. Their excellent arms +and broad backs soon drove the light boat across the river. But once +during the five or ten minutes of passage did I utter a word, and that +word, while wholly involuntary and by no means addressed to my oarsmen, +had the remarkable effect of making them row like fury for the remainder +of the distance. + +Mr. Poopendyke was waiting for me in the courtyard. He was carrying +a lantern, which he held rather close to my face as if looking for +something he dreaded to see. + +"What the devil is the matter with you?" I demanded irascibly. "What's +up? What are you doing out here with a lantern?" + +"I was rather anxious," he said, a note of relief in his voice. "I +feared that something unexpected might have befallen you. Five minutes +ago the--Mr. Pless called up on the telephone and left a message for +you. It rather upset me, sir." + +"He did, eh? Well, what did he say?" + +"He merely commanded me to give you his compliments and to tell you +to go to the devil. I told him that you would doubtless be at home a +little later on and it would sound very much better if it came from +him instead of from me. Whereupon he told me to accompany you, giving +rather explicit directions. He appeared to be in a tremendous rage." + +I laughed heartily. "I must have got under his confounded skin after +all." + +"I was a little worried, so I came out with the lantern. One never can +tell. Did you come to blows?" + +"Blows? What puts that idea into your head?" + +"The Countess was listening on the extension wire while he was speaking +to me. She thought it was you calling up and was eager to hear what +had happened. It was she who put it into my head. She said you must +have given his nose a jolly good pulling or something of the sort. I +am extremely sorry, but she heard every word he said, even to the +mildest damn." + +"It must have had a very familiar sound to her," I said sourly. + +"So she informed me." + +"Oh, you've seen her, eh?" + +"She came down to the secret door a few minutes ago and urged me to +set out to meet you. She says she can hardly wait for the news. I was +to send you upstairs at once." + +Confound him, he took that very instant to hold the lantern up to my +face again, and caught me grinning like a Cheshire cat. + +I hurried to my room and brushed myself up a bit. On my bureau, in a +glass of water, there was a white boutonniere, rather clumsily +constructed and all ready to be pinned in the lapel of my coat. I +confess to a blush. I wish Britton would not be so infernally arduous +in his efforts to please me. + +The Countess gave a little sigh of relief when I dashed in upon her +a few minutes later. She had it all out of me before I had quite +recovered my breath after the climb upstairs. + +"And so it was I who spent all the money," she mused, with a far-away +look in her eyes. + +"In trying to be a countess," said I boldly. + +She smiled. "Are you hungry?" + +"Delightfully," said I. + +We sat down at the table. "Now tell me everything all over again," she +said. + + + +CHAPTER XII + +I AM INFORMED THAT I AM IN LOVE + +Mr. Poopendyke began to develop a streak of romantic invention--in +fact, tomfoolery--A day or two after my experience with Count Tarnowsy +in the Rempf Hotel. He is the last person in the world of whom I--or +any one else--would suspect silliness of a radical nature. + +We were finding it rather difficult to get down to actual, serious +work on the book. The plot and the synopsis, of course, were quite +completely outlined; with ordinary intensity of purpose on my part the +tale might have galloped through the introductory chapters with some +clarity and decisiveness. But for some reason I lacked the power of +concentration, or perhaps more properly speaking the power of +initiative. I laid it to the hub-bub created by the final effort of +the workmen to finish the job of repairing my castle before cold weather +set in. + +"That isn't it, Mr. Smart," said my secretary darkly. We were in the +study and my pad of paper was lying idly on my knees. For half an hour +I had been trying to think of a handy sentence with which to open the +story; the kind of sentence that catches the unwary reader's attention +at a glance and makes for interest. + +"What is it, then?" I demanded, at once resenting an opinion. + +He smiled mysteriously. "You were not thinking of the workmen just +now, were you?" + +"Certainly," said I, coldly. "What's that got to do with it?" + +"Nothing, I suppose," said he resignedly. + +I hesitated. "Of course it is the work that upsets me. What are you +driving at?" + +He stared for a long time at the portrait of Ludwig the Red. "Isn't +it odd that the Countess, an American, should be descended from the +old Rothhoefens? What a small world it is, after all!" + +I became wary. "Nothing odd about it to me. We've all got to descend +from somebody." + +"I dare say. Still it is odd that she should be hiding in the castle +of her ances--" + +"Not at all, not at all. It just happens to be a handy place. Perfectly +natural." + +We lapsed into a prolonged spell of silence. I found myself watching +him rather combatively, as who would anticipate the move of an +adversary. + +"Perfect rot," said I, at last, without rhyme or reason. + +He grinned. "Nevertheless, it's the general opinion that you are," +said he. + +I sat up very straight. "What's that?" + +"You're in love," said he succinctly. It was like a bomb, and a bomb +is the very last thing in succinctness. It comes to the point without +palaver or conjecture, and it reduces havoc to a single synonymous +syllable. + +"You're crazy!" I gasped. + +"And the workmen haven't anything at all to do with it," he pronounced +emphatically. It was a direct charge. I distinctly felt called upon +to refute it. But while I was striving to collect my thoughts he went +on, somewhat arbitrarily, I thought: "You don't think we're all blind, +do you, Mr. Smart?" "We?" I murmured, a curious dampness assailing me. + +"That is to say, Britton, the Schmicks and myself." + +"The Schmicks?" It was high time that I should laugh. "Ha! ha! The +Schmicks! Good Lord, man,--the _Schmicks_." It sounded inane even to me, +but, on my soul, it was all I could think of to say. + +"The Schmicks are tickled to death over it," said he. "And so is +Britton." + +Collecting all the sarcasm that I could command at the instant, I +inquired: "And you, Mr. Poopendyke,--are you not ticklish?" + +"Very," said he. + +"Well, I'm not!" said I, savagely. "What does all this nonsense mean. +Don't be an ass, Fred." + +"Perhaps you don't know it, Mr. Smart, but you _are_ in love," said he +so convincingly that I was conscious of an abrupt sinking of the heart. +Good heavens! Was he right? Was there anything in this silly twaddle? +"You are quite mad about her." + +"The deuce you say!" I exclaimed, rather blankly. + +"Oh, I've seen it coming. For that matter, so has she. It's as plain +as the nose--" + +I leaped to my feet, startled. "She? You don't--Has she said anything +that leads you to believe--Oh, the deuce! What rot!" + +"No use getting angry over it," he said consolingly. "Falling in love +is the sort of thing a fellow can't help, you know. It happens without +his assistance. It is so easy. Now I was once in love with a girl for +two years without really knowing it." + +"And how did you find it out?" I asked, weakly. + +"I didn't find it out until she married another chap. Then I knew I'd +been in love with her all the time. But that's neither here nor there. +You are heels over head in love with the Countess Tarnowsy and--" + +"Shut up, Fred! You're going daffy from reading my books, or absorbing +my manuscripts, or--" + +"Heaven is my witness, I don't read your books and I merely correct +your manuscripts. God knows there is no romance in that! You _are_ in +love. Now what are you going to do about it?" + +"Do about it?" I demanded. + +"You can't go on in this way, you know," he said relentlessly. "She +won't--" + +"Why, you blithering idiot," I roared, "do you know what you are saying? +I'm not in love with anybody. My heart is--is--But never mind! Now, +listen to me, Fred. This nonsense has got to cease. I won't have it. +Why, she's already got a husband. She's had all she can stand in the +way of husb--" + +"Rubbish! She can stand a husband or two more, if you are going to +look at it in a literal way. Besides, she hasn't a husband. She's +chucked him. Good riddance, too. Now, do you imagine for a single +instant that a beautiful, adorable young woman of twenty-three is going +to spend the rest of her life without a man? Not much! She's free to +marry again and she will." + +"Admitting that to be true, why should she marry me?" + +"I didn't say she was in love with you. I said you were in love with +her." + +"Oh," I said, and my face fell "I see." + +He seemed to be considering something. After a few seconds, he nodded +his head decisively. "Yes, I am sure of it. If the right man gets her, +she'll make the finest, sweetest wife in the world. She's never had +a chance to show what's really in her. She would be adorable, wouldn't +she?" + +The sudden question caught me unawares. + +"She would!" I said, with conviction. + +"Well," said he, slowly and deliberately, "why don't you set about it, +then?" + +He was so ridiculous that I thought for the fun of it, I'd humour him. + +"Assuming that you are right in regard to my feelings toward her, Fred, +what leads you to believe that I would stand a chance of winning her?" +It was a silly question, but I declare I hung on his answer with a +tenseness that surprised me. + +"Why not? You are good looking, a gentleman, a celebrity, and a man. +Bless my soul, she _could_ do worse." + +"But you forget that I am--let me see--thirty-five and she is but +twenty-three." + +"To offset that, she has been married and unhappy. That brings her +about up to your level, I should say. She's a mother, and that makes +you seem a good bit younger. Moreover, she isn't a sod widow. She's +a grass widow, and she's got a living example to use as a contrast. +Regulation widows sometimes forget the past because it is dim and dead; +but, by George, sir, the divorced wife doesn't forget the hard time +she's had. She's mighty careful when she goes about it the second time. +The other kind has lost her sense of comparison, her standard, so to +speak. Her husband may have been a rotter and all that sort of thing, +but he's dead and buried and she can't see anything but the good that +was in him for the simple reason that it's on his tombstone. But when +they're still alive and as bad as ever,--well, don't you see it's +different?" + +"It occurs to me she'd be more likely to see the evil in all men and +steer clear of them." + +"That isn't feminine nature. All women want to be loved. They want to +be married. They want to make some man happy." + +"I suppose all this is philosophy," I mused, somewhat pleased and +mollified. "But we'll look at it from another point of view. The former +Miss Titus set out for a title. She got it. Do you imagine she'll marry +a man who has no position--By Jove! That reminds me of something. You +are altogether wrong in your reasoning, Fred. With her own lips she +declared to me one day that she'd never marry again. There you are!" + +He rolled his eyes heavenward. + +"They take delight in self-pity," said he. "You can't believe 'em under +oath when they're in that mood." + +"Well, granting that she will marry again," said I, rather insistently, +"it doesn't follow that her parents will consent to a marriage with +any one less than a duke the next time." + +"They've had their lesson." + +"And she is probably a mercenary creature, after all. She's had a taste +of poverty, after a fashion. I imagine--" + +"If I know anything about women, the Countess Tarnowsy wants love more +than anything else in the world, my friend. She was made to be loved +and she knows it. And she hasn't had any of it, except from men who +didn't happen to know how to combine love and respect. I'll give you +my candid opinion, Mr. John Bellamy Smart. She's in a receptive mood. +Strike while the iron is hot. You'll win or my name isn't--" + +"Fred Poopendyke, you haven't a grain of sense," I broke in sharply. +"Do you suppose, just to oblige you, I'll get myself mixed up in this +wretched squabble? Why, she's not really clear of the fellow yet. She's +got a good many months to wait before the matter of the child and the +final decree--" + +"Isn't she worth waiting a year for--or ten years? Besides, the whole +squabble will come to an end the minute old man Titus puts up the back +million. And the minute the Countess goes to him and says she's +_willing_ for him to pay it, you take my word for it, he'll settle like +a flash. It rests with her." + +"I don't quite get your meaning." + +"She isn't going to let a stingy little million stand between her and +happiness." + +"Confound you, do you mean to say she'd ask her father to pay over +that million in order to be free to marry--" I did not condescend to +finish the sentence. + +"Why not?" he demanded after a moment. "He owes it, doesn't he?" + +I gasped. "But you wouldn't have him pay over a million to that damned +brute of a Count!" + +He grinned. "You've changed your song, my friend. A few weeks ago you +were saying he ought to pay it, that it would serve him right, and--" + +"Did I say that?" + +"You did. You even said it to the Countess." + +"But not with the view to making it possible for her to hurry off and +marry again. Please understand that, Fred." + +"He ought to pay what he owes. He gave a million to get one husband +for her. He ought to give a million to be rid of him, so that she could +marry the next one without putting him to any expense whatsoever. It's +only fair to her, I say. And now I'll tell you something else: the +Countess, who has stood out stubbornly against the payment of this +money, is now halfway inclined to advise the old gentleman to settle +with Tarnowsy." + +"She is?" I cried in astonishment. "How do you know?" + +"I told her I thought it was the cheapest and quickest way out of it, +and she said: 'I wonder!'" + +"Have you been discussing her most sacred affairs with her, you +blithering--" + +"No, sir," said he, with dignity. "She has been discussing them with +_me_." + +I have no recollection of what I said as I stalked out of the room. +He called out after me, somewhat pleadingly, I thought: + +"Ask Britton what he has to say about it." + +Things had come to a pretty pass! Couldn't a gentleman be polite and +agreeable to a young and charming lady whom circumstances had thrown +in his way without having his motives misconstrued by a lot of snooping, +idiotic menials whose only zest in life sprung from a temperamental +tendency to belittle the big things and enlarge upon the small ones? +What rot! What utter rot! Ask Britton! The more I thought of +Poopendyke's injunction the more furious I grew. What insufferable +insolence! Ask Britton! The idea! Ask _my valet_! Ask him what? Ask him +politely if he could oblige me by telling me whether I was in love? I +suppose that is what Poopendyke meant. + +It was the silliest idea in the world. In the first place I was _not_ in +love, and in the second place whose business was it but mine if I were? +Certainly not Poopendyke's, certainly not Britton's, certainly not the +Schmicks'! Absolute lack of any sense of proportion, that's what ailed +the whole bally of them. What looked like love to them--benighted +dolts!--was no more than a rather resolute effort on my part to be kind +to and patient with a person who had invaded my home and set +everybody--including myself--by the ears. + +But, even so, what right had my secretary to constitute himself adviser +and mentor to the charming invader? What right had he to suggest what +she should do, or what her father should do, or what _anybody_ should +do? He was getting to be disgustingly officious. What he needed was a +smart jacking up, a little plain talk from me. Give a privileged and +admittedly faithful secretary an inch and he'll have you up to your ears +in trouble before you know what has happened. By the same token, what +right had she to engage herself in confidential chats with--But just +then I caught sight of Britton coming upstairs with my neatly polished +tan shoes in one hand and a pair of number 3-1/2A tan pumps in the +other. Not expecting to meet me in the hall, he had neglected to remove +his cap when he came in from the courtyard. In some confusion, he tried +to take it off, first with one hand, then with the other, sustaining +what one might designate as absent treatment kicks on either jaw from +two distinct sexes in the shape of shoes. He managed to get all four of +them into one hand, however, and then grabbed off his cap. + +"Anythink more, sir?" he asked, purely from habit. I was regarding the +shoes with interest. Never have I known anything so ludicrous as the +contrast between my stupendous number tens and the dainty pumps that +seemed almost babyish beside them. + +Then I did the very thing I had excoriated Poopendyke for even +suggesting. I asked Britton! + +"Britton, what's all this gossip I hear going the rounds of the castle +behind my back?" + +Confound him, he looked pleased! "It's quite true, sir, quite true." + +"Quite true!" I roared. "What's quite true, sir?" + +"Isn't it, sir?" he asked, dismayed. + +"Isn't what?" + +"I mean to say, sir, isn't it true?" + +"My God!" I cried, throwing up my hands in hopeless despair. +"You--you--wait! I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I want the +truth, Britton. Who put it into that confounded head of yours that I +am--er--in love with the Countess? Speak! Who did it?" + +He lowered his voice, presumably because I had dropped mine to a very +loud whisper. I also had glanced over both shoulders. + +"Begging your pardon, sir, but I must be honest, sir. It was you as +first put it into my 'ead, sir." + +"I?" My face went the colour of a cardinal's cap. + +"You, sir. It's as plain as the nose on your--" + +"That will do, Britton," I commanded. He remained discreetly silent. +"That will do, I say," I repeated, somewhat testily. "Do you hear, +sir?" + +"Yes, sir," he responded. "That will do, you says." + +"Ahem! I--ahem!" Somewhat clumsily I put on my nose-glasses and made +a pretext of examining his burden rather closely. "What's this you +have here." + +"Shoes, sir." + +"I see, I see. Let me have them." + +He handed me my own. "The others, if you please," I said, disdaining +the number tens. "May I inquire, sir, where you are taking _these_?" +I had the Countess's pumps in my hands. He explained that he was going +to drop mine in my room and then take hers upstairs. "You may drop +mine as you intended. I shall take care of these." + +"Very good, sir," said he, with such positive relief in his voice that +I glared at him. He left me standing there, a small pump in each hand. + +Five minutes later I was at her door, a pump in each hand and my heart +in my mouth. A sudden, inexplicable form of panic took possession of +me. I stood there ready to tap resoundingly on the panel of the door +with the heel of a slipper; I never raised my hand for the purpose. + +Instead of carrying out my original design, I developed an overpowering +desire to do nothing of the sort. Why go on making a fool of myself? +Why add fuel to the already pernicious flame? Of course I was not in +love with her, the idea was preposterous. But, just the same, the +confounded servants were beginning to gossip, and back stair scandal +is the very worst type. It was wrong for me to encourage it. Like a +ninny, I had just given Britton something to support his contention, +and he wouldn't be long in getting down to the servants' hall with the +latest exhibit in the charge against me. + +Moreover, if every one was talking about it, what was to prevent the +silly gossip from reaching the sensitive ears of the Countess? A +sickening thought struck me: could it be possible that the Countess +herself suspected me of being in love with her? A woman's vanity goes +a long way sometimes. The thought did not lessen the panic that +afflicted me. I tip-toed away from the door to a less exposed spot at +the bend in the stairway. + +There, after some deliberation, I came to a decision. The proper thing +for me to do was to show all of them that their ridiculous suspicions +were wrong. I owed it to the Countess, to say the least. She was my +guest, as it were, and it was my duty to protect her while she was in +my house. The only thing for me to do, therefore, was to stay away +from her. + +The thought of it distressed me, but it seemed to be the only way, and +the fair one. No doubt she would expect some sort of an explanation +for the sudden indifference on my part, but I could attribute everything +to an overpowering desire to work on my story. (I have a habit of using +my work as an excuse for not doing a great many things that I ought +to do.) + +All this time I was regarding the small tan pumps with something akin +to pain in my eyes. I could not help thinking about the tiny feet they +sometimes covered. By some sort of intuitive computation I arrived at +the conclusion that they were adorably small, and pink, and warm. +Suddenly it occurred to me that my present conduct was reprehensible, +that no man of honour would be holding a lady's pumps in his hands and +allowing his imagination to go too far. Resolutely I put them behind +my back and marched downstairs. + +"Britton," said I, a few minutes later, "you may take these up to the +Countess, after all." + +He blinked his eyes. "Wasn't she at 'ome, sir?" + +"Don't be insolent, Britton. Do as I tell you." + +"Very good, sir." He held the pumps up to admire them. "They're very +cute, ain't they, sir?" + +"They are just like _all_ pumps," said I, indifferently, and walked +away. If I could have been quite sure that it was a chuckle I heard, I +should have given Britton something to think about for the rest of his +days. The impertinent rascal! + +For some two long and extremely monotonous days I toiled. A chapter +shaped itself--after a fashion. Even as I wrote, I knew that it wasn't +satisfactory and that I should tear it up the instant it was finished. +What irritated me more than anything else was the certain conviction +that Poopendyke, who typed it as I progressed, also knew that it would +go into the waste paper basket. + +Both nights I went to bed early and to sleep late. I could not deny +to myself that I was missing those pleasant hours with the Countess. +I _did_ miss them. I missed Rosemary and Jinko and Helen Marie Louise +Antoinette and Blake. + +An atmosphere of gloom settled around Poopendyke and Britton. They +eyed me with a sort of pathetic wonder in their faces. As time went +on they began to look positively forlorn and unhappy. Once or twice +I caught them whispering in the hallway. On seeing me they assumed an +air of nonchalance that brought a grim smile to my lips. I was beginning +to hate them. Toward the end of the second day, the four Schmicks +became so aggravatingly doleful that I ordered them, one and all, to +keep out of my sight. Even the emotionless Hawkes and the perfect +Blatchford were infected. I don't believe I've ever seen a human face +as solemnly respectful as Hawkes' was that night at dinner. He seemed +to be pitying me from the bottom of his heart. It was getting on my +nerves. + +I took a stroll in the courtyard after dinner, and I may be forgiven +I hope for the few surreptitious glances I sent upwards in the direction +of the rear windows in the eastern wing. I wondered what she was doing, +and what she was thinking of my extraordinary behaviour, and why the +deuce she hadn't sent down to ask me to come up and tell her how busy +I was. She had not made a single sign. The omission was not particularly +gratifying, to say the least. + +Approaching the servants' hall, I loitered. I heard voices, a mixture +of tongues. Britton appeared to be doing the most of the talking. +Gradually I became aware of the fact that he was explaining to the +four Schmicks the meaning of an expression in which must have been +incorporated the words "turned him down." + +Hawkes, the impeccable Hawkes, joined in. "If I know anything about +it, I'd say she has threw the 'ooks into 'im." + +Then they had to explain _that_ to Conrad and Gretel, who repeated "Ach, +Gott" and other simple expletives in such a state of misery that I could +almost detect tears in their voices. + +"It ain't that, Mr. 'Awkes," protested Britton loyally. "He's lost his +nerve, that's wot it is. They allus do when they realise 'ow bad they're +hit. Turn 'im down? Not much, Mr. 'Awkes. Take it from me, Mr. 'Awkes, +he's not going to give 'er the _chawnce_ to turn 'im down." + +"Ach, Gott!" said Gretel. I will stake my head that she wrung her +hands. + +"Women is funny," said Hawkes. (I had no idea the wretch was so +ungrammatical.) "You can't put your finger on 'em ever. While I 'aven't +seen much of the Countess during my present engagement, I will say +this: she has a lot more sense than people give 'er credit for. Now +why should she throw the 'ooks into a fine, upstanding chap like 'im, +even if he is an American? She made a rotten bad job the first time, +mind you. If she has threw the 'ooks into 'im, as I am afeared, I can't +see wot the deuce ails 'er." + +My perfect footman, Blatchford, ventured an opinion, and I blessed him +for it. "We may be off our nuts on the 'ole bloomink business," said +he. "Maybe he 'as thrown the 'ooks into 'er. Who knows? It looks that +w'y to me." (I remember distinctly that he used the word "thrown" and +I was of half a mind to rush in and put him over Hawkes, there and +then.) + +"In any case," said Britton, gloom in his voice, "it's a most unhappy +state of affairs. He's getting to be a perfect crank. Complines about +everything I do. He won't 'ave 'is trousers pressed and he 'asn't been +shaved since Monday." + +I stole away, rage in my soul. Or was it mortification? In any event, +I had come to an irrevocable decision: I would ship the whole lot of +them, without notice, before another day was gone. + +The more I thought of the way I was being treated by my own servants, +and the longer I dwelt upon the ignominious figure I must have presented +as the hero of their back-door romance, the angrier I got. I was an +object of concern to them, an object of pity! Confound them, they were +feeling sorry for me because I had received my _conge_, and they were +actually finding fault with me for not taking it with a grin on my face! + +Before going to bed I went into the loggia (for the first time in three +days) and, keeping myself pretty well hidden behind a projection in +the wall, tried to get a glimpse of the Countess's windows. Failing +there, I turned my steps in another direction and soon stood upon my +little balcony. There was no sign of her in the windows, although a +faint light glowed against the curtains of a well-remembered room near +the top of the tower. + +Ah, what a cosy, jolly room! What a delicious dinner I had had there! +And what a supper! Somehow, I found myself thinking of those little +tan pumps. As a matter of fact, they had been a source of annoyance +to me for more than forty-eight hours. I had found myself thinking of +them at most inopportune times, greatly to the detriment of my work +as a realist. + +It was cool on the balcony, and I was abnormally warm, as might be +expected. It occurred to me that I might do worse than to sit out there +in the cool of the evening and enjoy a cigar or two--three or four, +if necessary. + +But, though I sat there until nearly midnight and chattered my teeth +almost out of my head with the cold, she did not appear at her window. +The aggravating part of it was that while I was shivering out there +in the beastly raw, miasmic air, she doubtless was lying on a luxurious +couch before a warm fire in a dressing gown and slippers,--ah, +slippers!--reading a novel and thinking of nothing in the world but +her own comfort! And those rascally beggars presumed to think that I +was in love with a selfish, self-centred, spoiled creature like that! +Rubbish! + +I am afraid that Poopendyke found me in a particularly irascible frame +of mind the next morning. I know that Britton did. I thought better +of my determination to discharge Britton. He was an exceptionally good +servant and a loyal fellow, so why should I deprive myself of a treasure +simply because the eastern wing of my abode was inhabited by an +unfeeling creature who hadn't a thought beyond fine feathers and +bonbons? I was not so charitably inclined toward Hawkes and Blatchford, +who were in my service through an influence over which I did not appear +to have any control. They would have to go. + +"Mr. Poopendyke," said I, after Blatchford had left the breakfast room, +"I want you to give notice to Hawkes and Blatchford to-day." + +"Notice?" he exclaimed incredulously. + +"Notice," said I, very distinctly. + +He looked distressed. "I thought they were most; satisfactory to you." + +"I've changed my opinion." + +"By Jove, Mr. Smart, I--I don't know how the Countess will take such +high-handed--ahem! You see, sir, she--she was good enough to recommend +them to me. It will be quite a shock to--" + +"By the Lord Harry, Fred, am I to--" + +"Don't misunderstand me," he made haste to say. "This is your house. +You have a perfect right to hire and discharge, but--but--Don't you +think you'd better consider very carefully--" He seemed to be finding +his collar rather tight. + +I held up my hand. "Of course I do not care to offend the Countess +Tarnowsy. It was very kind of her to recommend them. We--we will let +the matter rest for a few days." + +"She has informed me that you were especially pleased with the manner +in which they served the dinner the other night. I think she said you +regarded them as incomparable diadems, or something of the sort. It +may have been the champagne." + +My thoughts leaped backward to that wonderful dinner. "It wasn't the +champagne," said I, very stiffly. + +"Do you also contemplate giving notice to the chef and his wife, our +only chambermaid?" + +"No, I don't," I snapped. "I think they were in bed." + +He looked at me as if he thought I had gone crazy. I wriggled +uncomfortably in my chair for a second or two, and then abruptly +announced that we'd better get to work. I have never ceased to wonder +what construction he could have put on that stupid slip of the tongue. + +I cannot explain why, but at the slightest unusual sound that morning +I found myself shooting an involuntary glance at the imperturbable +features of Ludwig the Red. Sometimes I stopped in the middle of a +sentence, to look and to listen rather more intently than seemed +absolutely necessary, and on each occasion I was obliged to begin the +sentence all over again, because, for the life of me, I couldn't +remember what it was I had set out to say in dictation. Poopendyke had +an air of patient tolerance about him that irritated me intensely. +More than once I thought I detected him in the act of suppressing a +smile. + +At eleven o'clock, Blatchford came to the door. His ordinarily stoical +features bore signs of a great, though subdued excitement. I had a +fleeting glimpse of Britton in the distance,--a sort of passing shadow, +as it were. + +"A note for you, sir, if you please," said he. He was holding the +salver almost on a level with his nose. It seemed to me that he was +looking at it out of the corner of his eye. + +My heart--my incomprehensible heart--gave a leap that sent the blood +rushing to my face. He advanced, not with his usual imposing tread but +with a sprightliness that pleased me vastly. I took the little pearl +grey envelope from the salver, and carelessly glanced at the +superscription. There was a curious ringing in my ears. + +"Thank you, Blatchford; that will do." + +"I beg pardon, sir, but there is to be an answer." + +"Oh," said I. I had the feeling that at least fifty eyes were upon me, +although I am bound to admit that both Poopendyke and the footman were +actively engaged in looking in another direction. + +I tore open the envelope. + +"_Have you deserted me entirely? Won't you please come and see me? +Thanks 'for the violets, but I can't talk to violets, you know. Please +come up for luncheon._" + +I managed to dash off a brief note in a fairly nonchalant manner. +Blatchford almost committed the unpardonable crime of slamming the +door behind him, he was in such a hurry to be off with the message. + +Then I went over and stood above Mr. Poopendyke. + +"Mr. Poopendyke," said I slowly, darkly, "what do you know about those +violets?" + +He quailed. "I hope you don't mind, Mr. Smart. It's all right. I put +one of your cards in, so that there couldn't be any mistake." + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +I VISIT AND AM VISITED + +Halfway up the winding stairways, I paused in some astonishment. It +had just occurred to me that I was going up the steps two at a time +and that my heart was beating like mad. + +I reflected. Here was I racing along like a schoolboy, and wherefor? +What occasion was there for such unseemly haste? In the first place, +it was now but a few minutes after eleven, and she had asked me for +luncheon; there was no getting around that. At best luncheon was two +hours off. So why was I galloping like this? The series of +self-inflicted questions found me utterly unprepared; I couldn't answer +one of them. My brain somehow couldn't get at them intelligently; I +was befuddled. I progressed more slowly, more deliberately, finally +coming to a full stop in a sitting posture in one of the window +casements, where I lighted a cigarette and proceeded to thresh the +thing out in my mind before going any farther. + +The fundamental problem was this: why was I breaking my neck to get +to her before Blatchford had time to deliver my response to her +appealing little note? It was something of a facer, and it set me to +wondering. Why was I so eager? Could it be possible that there was +anything in the speculation of my servants? I recalled the sensation +of supreme delight that shot through me when I received her note, but +after that a queer sort of oblivion seems to have surrounded me, from +which I was but now emerging in a timely struggle for self-control. +There was something really startling about it, after all. + +I profess to be a steady, level-headed, prosaic sort of person, and +this surprising reversion to extreme youthfulness rather staggered me. +In fact it brought a cold chill of suspicion into existence. Grown-up +men do not, as a rule, fly off the head unless confronted by some +prodigious emotion, such as terror, grief or guilt. And yet here was +I going into a perfect rampage of rapture over a simple, unconventional +communication from a lady whom I had known for less than a month and +for whom I had no real feeling of sympathy whatever. The chill of +suspicion continued to increase. + +If it had been a cigar that I was smoking it would have gone out through +neglect. A cigarette goes on forever and smells. + +After ten minutes of serious, undisturbed consideration of the matter, +I came to the final conclusion that it was not love but pity that had +driven me to such abnormal activity. It was nonsense to even argue the +point. + +Having thoroughly settled the matter to my own satisfaction and relief, +I acknowledged a feeling of shame for having been so precipitous. I +shudder to think of the look she would have given me if I had burst +in upon her while in the throes of that extraordinary seizure. Obviously +I had lost my wits. Now I had them once more, I knew what to do with +them. First of all, I would wait until one o'clock before presenting +myself for luncheon. Clearly that was the thing to do. Secondly, I +would wait on this side of the castle instead of returning to my own +rooms, thereby avoiding a very unpleasant gauntlet. Luckily I had +profited by the discussion in the servants' quarters and was not wearing +a three days' growth of beard. Moreover, I had taken considerable pains +in dressing that morning. Evidently a presentiment. + +For an hour and a half by my watch, but five or six by my nerves, I +paced the lonely, sequestered halls in the lower regions of the castle. +Two or three times I was sure that my watch had stopped, the hands +seemed so stationary. The third time I tried to wind it, I broke the +mainspring, but as it was nearly one o'clock not much harm was done. + +That one little sentence, _"Have you deserted me?"_ grew to be a +voluminous indictment. I could think of nothing else. There was +something ineffably sad and pathetic about it. Had she been unhappy +because of my beastly behaviour? Was her poor little heart sore over +my incomprehensible conduct? Perhaps she had cried through sheer +loneliness--But no! It would never do for me to even think of her in +tears. I remembered having detected tears in her lovely eyes early in +our acquaintance and the sight of them--or the sensation, if you +please--quite unmanned me. + +At last I approached her door. Upon my soul, my legs were trembling! +I experienced a silly sensation of fear. A new problem confronted me: +what was I to say to her? Following close upon this came another and +even graver question: what would she say to me? Suppose she were to +look at me with hurt, reproachful eyes and speak to me with a little +quaver in her voice as she held out her hand to me timidly--what then? +What would become of me? By Jove, the answer that flashed through my +whole body almost deprived me of reason! + +I hesitated, then, plucking up my courage and putting all silly +questions behind me, I rapped resoundingly on the door. + +The excellent Hawkes opened it! I started back in dismay. He stood +aside impressively. + +"Mr. Smart!" he announced. Damn it all! + +I caught sight of the Countess. She was arranging some flowers on the +table. Blatchford was placing the knives and forks. Helen Marie Louise +Antoinette stood beside her mistress holding a box of flowers in her +hands. + +What was it that I had been thinking out there in those gloomy halls? +That she would greet me with a pathetic, hurt look and... + +"Good morning!" she cried gaily. Hurt? Pathetic? She was radiant! "So +glad to see you again. Hawkes has told me how busy you've been." She +dried her hands on the abbreviated apron of Helen Marie Louise +Antoinette and then quite composedly extended one for me to shake. + +I bowed low over it. "Awfully, awfully busy," I murmured. Was it relief +at finding her so happy and unconcerned that swept through me? I am +morally, but shamelessly certain it wasn't! + +"Don't you think the roses are lovely in that old silver bowl?" + +"Exquisite." + +"Blatchford found it in the plate vault," she said, standing off to +admire the effect. "Do you mind if I go on arranging them?" she asked, +and without waiting for an answer resumed her employment. + +"Bon jour, m'sieur," said Helen Marie Louise Antoinette over her +mistress's shoulder. One never knows whether a French maid is polite +or merely spiteful. + +"It seems ages since I saw you last," said the Countess in a +matter-of-fact tone, jiggling a rose into position and then standing +off to study the effect, her head cocked prettily at an angle of +inquiry. + +It suddenly occurred to me that she had got on very well without me +during the ages. The discovery irritated me. She was not behaving at +all as I had expected. This cool, even casual reception certainly was +not in keeping with my idea of what it ought to have been. "But Mr. +Poopendyke has been awfully kind. He has given me all the news." + +Poopendyke! Had he been visiting her without my knowledge or--was I +about to say consent? + +"There hasn't been a great deal of news," I said. + +She dropped a long-stemmed rose and waited for me to pick it up. + +"Thank you," she said. "Oh, did it prick you?" + +"Yes," said I flatly. Then we both gave the closest attention to the +end of my thumb while I triumphantly squeezed a tiny drop of blood out +of it. I sucked it. The incident was closed. She was no longer +interested in the laceration. + +"Mr. Poopendyke knew how lonely I would be. He telephoned twice a day." + +I thought I detected a slight note of pique in her voice. But it was +so slight that it was hardly worth while to exult. + +"So you thought I had deserted you," I said, and was a little surprised +at the gruffness in my voice. + +"The violets appeased me," she said, with a smile. For the first time +I noticed that she was wearing a large bunch of them. "You will be +bankrupt, Mr. Smart, if you keep on buying roses and violets and orchids +for me." + +So the roses were mine also! I shot a swift glance at the mantelpiece, +irresistibly moved by some mysterious force. There were two bowls of +orchids there. I couldn't help thinking of the meddling, over-zealous +geni that served the hero of Anstey's "Brass Bottle" tale. He was being +outdone by my efficacious secretary. + +"But they are lovely," she cried, noting the expression in my face and +misconstruing it. "You are an angel." + +That was the last straw. "I am nothing of the sort," I exclaimed, very +hot and uncomfortable. + +"You _are_," was her retort. "There! Isn't it a lovely centre-piece? +Now, you must come and see Rosemary. She adores the new elephant you +sent to her." + +"Ele--" I began, blinking my eyes. "Oh--oh, yes, yes. Ha, ha! the +elephant." Good Heavens, had that idiotic Poopendyke started a menagerie +in my castle? + +I was vastly relieved to find that the elephant was made of felt and +not too large to keep Rosemary from wielding it skilfully in an assault +upon the hapless Jinko. She had it firmly gripped by the proboscis, +and she was shrieking with delight. Jinko was barking in vain-glorious +defence. The racket was terrible. + +The Countess succeeded in quelling the disturbance, and Rosemary ran +up to kiss me. Jinko, who disliked me because I looked like the Count, +also ran up but his object was to bite me. I made up my mind, there +and then that if I should ever, by any chance, fall in love with his +mistress I would inaugurate the courting period by slaying Jinko. + +Rosemary gleefully permitted me to sip honey from that warm little +spot on her neck, and I forgot many odious things. As I held her in +my arms I experienced a vivid longing to have a child of my own, just +like Rosemary. + +Our luncheon was not as gay nor as unconventional as others that had +preceded it. The Countess vainly tried to make it as sprightly as its +predecessors, but gave over in despair in the face of my taciturnity. +Her spirits drooped. She became strangely uneasy and, I thought, +preoccupied. + +"What is on your mind, Countess?" I asked rather gruffly, after a +painful silence of some duration. + +She regarded me fixedly for a moment. She seemed to be searching my +thoughts. "You," she said very succinctly. "Why are you so quiet, so +funereal?" I observed a faint tinge of red in her cheeks and an ominous +steadiness in her gaze. Was there anger also? + +I apologised for my manners, and assured her that my work was +responsible. But her moodiness increased. At last, apparently at the +end of her resources, she announced that she was tired: that after we +had had a cigarette she would ask to be excused, as she wanted to lie +down. Would I come to see her the next day? + +"But don't think of coming, Mr. Smart," she declared, "if you feel you +cannot spare the time away from your work." + +I began to feel heartily ashamed of my boorishness. After all, why +should I expend my unpleasant humour on her? + +"My dear Countess," I exclaimed, displaying a livelier interest than +at any time before, "I shall be delighted to come. Permit me to add +that my work may go hang." + +Her face brightened. "But men must work," she objected. + +"Not when women are willing to play," I said. + +"Splendid!" she cried. "You are reviving. I feel better. If you are +going to be nice, I'll let you stay." + +"Thanks. I'll do my best." + +She seemed to be weighing something in her mind. Her chin was in her +hands, her elbows resting on the edge of the table. She was regarding +me with speculative eyes. + +"If you don't mind what the servants are saying about us, Mr. Smart, +I am quite sure I do not." + +I caught my breath. + +"Oh, I understand everything," she cried mischievously, before I could +stammer anything in reply. "They are building a delightful romance +around us. And why not? Why begrudge them the pleasure? No harm can +come of it, you see." + +"Certainly no harm," I floundered. + +"The gossip is confined to the castle. It will not go any farther. We +can afford to laugh in our sleeves, can't we?" + +"Ha, ha!" I laughed in a strained effort, but not into my sleeve. "I +rejoice to hear you say that you don't mind. No more do I. It's rather +jolly." + +"Fancy any one thinking we could possibly fall in love with each other," +she scoffed. Her eyes were very bright. There was a suggestion of cold +water in that remark. + +"Yes, just fancy," I agreed. + +"Absurd!" + +"But, of course, as you say, if they can get any pleasure out of it, +why should we object? It's a difficult matter keeping a cook any way." + +"Well, we are bosom friends once more, are we not? I am so relieved." + +"I suppose Poopendyke told you the--the gossip?" + +"Oh, no! I had it from my maid. She is perfectly terrible. All French +maids are, Mr. Smart. Beware of French maids! She won't have it any +other way than that I am desperately in love with you. Isn't she +delicious?" + +"Eh?" I gasped. + +"And she confides the wonderful secret to every one in the castle, +from Rosemary down to Jinko." + +"'Pon my soul!" I murmured. + +"And so now they all are saying that I am in love with you," she +laughed. "Isn't it perfectly ludicrous?" + +"Perfectly," I said without enthusiasm. My heart sank like lead. +Ludicrous? Was that the way it appeared to her? I had a little spirit +left. "Quite as ludicrous as the fancy Britton has about me. He is +obsessed by the idea that I am in love with you. What do you think of +that?" + +She started. I thought her eyes narrowed for a second. "Ridiculous," +she said, very simply. Then she arose abruptly. "Please ring the bell +for Hawkes." + +I did so. Hawkes appeared. "Clear the table, Hawkes," she said. "I +want you to read all these newspaper clippings, Mr. Smart," she went +on, pointing to a bundle on a chair near the window. We crossed the +room. "Now that you know who I am, I insist on your reading all that +the papers have been saying about me during the past five or six weeks." + +I protested but she was firm. "Every one else in the world has been +reading about my affairs, so you must do likewise. No, it isn't +necessary to read all of them. I will select the most lurid and the +most glowing. You see there are two sides to the case. The papers that +father can control are united in defending my action; the European +press is just the other way. Sit down, please. I'll hand them to you." + +For an hour I sat there in the window absorbing the astonishing history +of the Tarnowsy abduction case. I felt rather than observed the intense +scrutiny with which she favoured me. + +At last she tossed the remainder of the bundle unread, into a corner. +Her face was aglow with pleasure. + +"You've read both sides, and I've watched you--oh, so closely. You +don't believe what the papers over here have to say. I saw the scowls +when you read the translations that Mr. Poopendyke has typed for me. +Now I know that you do not feel so bitterly toward me as you did at +first." + +I was resolved to make a last determined stand for my original +convictions. + +"But our own papers, the New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Chicago +journals,--still voice, in a way, my principal contention in the matter, +Countess. They deplore the wretched custom among the idle but ambitious +rich that made possible this whole lamentable state of affairs. I mean +the custom of getting a title into the family at any cost." + +"My dear Mr. Smart," she said seriously, "do you really contend that +all of the conjugal unhappiness and unrest of the world is confined +to the American girls who marry noblemen? Has it escaped your notice +that there are thousands of unhappy marriages and equally happy divorces +in America every year in which noblemen do not figure at all? Have you +not read of countless cases over there in which conditions are quite +similar to those which make the Tarnowsy fiasco so notorious? Are not +American women stealing their children from American husbands? Are all +American husbands so perfect that Count Tarnowsy would appear black +among them? Are there no American men who marry for money, and are +there no American girls given in marriage to wealthy suitors of all +ages, creeds and habits? Why do you maintain that an unfortunate +alliance with a foreign nobleman is any worse than an unhappy marriage +with an ordinary American brute? Are there no bad husbands in America?" + +"All husbands are bad," I said, "but some are more pre-eminently evil +than others. I am not finding fault with Tarnowsy as a husband. He did +just what was expected of him. He did what he set out to do. He isn't +to be blamed for living up to his creed. There are bad husbands in +America, and bad wives. But they went into the game blindly, most of +them. They didn't find out their mistake until after the marriage. The +same statement applies to husbands and wives the world over. I hold +a brief only against the marriage wherein the contracting parties, +their families, their friends, their enemies, their bankers and their +creditors know beforehand that it's a business proposition and not a +sacred compact. But we've gone into all this before. Why rake it up +again." + +"But there are many happy marriages between American girls and foreign +noblemen--dozens of them that I could mention." + +"I grant you that. I know of a few myself. But I think if you will +reflect for a moment you'll find that money had no place in the +covenant. They married because they loved one another. The noblemen +in such cases are _real_ noblemen, and their American wives are _real_ +wives. There are no Count Tarnowsys among them. My blood curdles when I +think of _you_ being married to a man of the Tarnowsy type. It is that +sort of a marriage that I execrate." + +"The buy and sell kind?" she said, and her eyes fell. The colour had +faded from her cheeks. + +"Yes. The premeditated murder type." + +She looked up after a moment. There was a bleak expression in her eyes. + +"Will you believe me if I say to you that I went into it blindly?" + +"God bless my soul, I am sure of it," I cried earnestly. "You had never +been in love. You did not know." + +"I have told you that I believed myself to be in love with Maris. +Doesn't--doesn't that help matters a little bit?" + +I looked away. The hurt, appealing look was in her eyes. It had come +at last, and, upon my soul, I was as little prepared to repel it as +when I entered the room hours ago after having lived in fear of it for +hours before that. I looked away because I knew that I should do +something rash if I were to lose my head for an instant. + +She was like an unhappy pleading child. I solemnly affirm that it was +tender-heartedness that moved me in this crucial instant. What man +could have felt otherwise? + +I assumed a coldly impersonal tone. "Not a single editorial in any of +these papers holds you responsible for what happened in New York," I +said. + +She began to collect the scattered newspaper clippings and the +type-written transcriptions. I gathered up those in the corner and +laid them in her lap. Her fingers trembled a little. + +"Throw them in the fireplace, please," she said in a low voice. "I +kept them only for the purpose of showing them to you. Oh, how I hate, +how I loathe it all!" + +When I came back from the fireplace, she was lying back in the big, +comfortable chair, a careless, whimsical smile on her lips. She was +as serene as if she had never known what it was to have a heart-pang +or an instant of regret in all her life. I could not understand that +side of her. + +"And now I have some pleasant news for you," she said. "My mother will +be here on Thursday. You will not like her, of course, because you are +already prejudiced, but I know she will like you." + +I knew I should hate her mother, but of course it would not do to say +so. + +"Next Thursday?" I inquired. She nodded her head. "I hope she will +like me," I added feeling that it was necessary. + +"She was a Colingraft, you know." + +"Indeed?" The Colingraft family was one of the oldest and most exclusive +in New York. I had a vague recollection of hearing one of my fastidious +friends at home say that it must have been a bitter blow to the +Colingrafts when, as an expedient, she married the vulgarly rich Jasper +Titus, then of St. Paul, Minnesota. It had been a clear case of marrying +the money, not the man. Aline's marriage, therefore, was due to +hereditary cold-bloodedness and not to covetousness. "A fine old name, +Countess." + +"Titus suggests titles, therefore it has come to be our family name," +she said, with her satiric smile. "You will like my father. He loves +me more than any one else in the world--more than all the world. He +is making the great fight for me, Mr. Smart. He would buy off the Count +to-morrow if I would permit him to do so. Of late I have been thinking +very seriously of suggesting it to him. It would be the simplest way +out of our troubles, wouldn't it? A million is nothing to my father." + +"Nothing at all, I submit, in view of the fact that it may be the means +of saving you from a term in prison for abducting Rosemary?" + +She paled. "Do you really think they would put me in prison?" + +"Unquestionably," I pronounced emphatically. + +"Oh, dear!" she murmured. + +"But they can't lock you up until they've caught you," said I +reassuringly. "And I will see to it that they do not catch you." + +"I--I am depending on you entirely, Mr. Smart," she said anxiously. +"Some day I may be in a position to repay you for all the kindness--" + +"Please, please!" + +"--and all the risk you are taking for me," she completed. "You see, +you haven't the excuse any longer that you don't know my name and +story. You are liable to be arrested yourself for--" + +There came a sharp rapping on the door at this instant--a rather +imperative, sinister rapping, if one were to judge by the way we started +and the way we looked at each other. We laughed nervously. + +"Goodness! You'd thing Sherlock Holmes himself was at the door," she +cried. "See who it is, please." + +I went to the door. Poopendyke was there. He was visibly excited. + +"Can you come down at once, Mr. Smart?" he said in a voice not meant +to reach the ears of the Countess. + +"What's up?" I questioned sharply. + +"The jig, I'm afraid," he whispered sententiously. Poopendyke, being +a stenographer, never wasted words. He would have made a fine +playwright. + +"Good Lord! Detectives?" + +"No. Count Tarnowsy and a stranger." + +"Impossible!" + +The Countess, alarmed by our manner, quickly crossed the room. + +"What is it?" she demanded. + +"The Count is downstairs," I said. "Don't be alarmed. Nothing can +happen. You--" + +She laughed. "Oh, is that all? My dear Mr. Smart, he has come to see +you about the frescoes." + +"But I have insulted him!" + +"Not permanently," she said. "I know him too well. He is like a leech. +He has given you time to reflect and therefore regret your action of +the other night. Go down and see him." + +Poopendyke volunteered further information. "There is also a man down +there--a cheap looking person--who says he must see the Countess +Tarnowsy at once." + +"A middle-aged man with the upper button of his waistcoat off?" she +asked sharply. + +"I--I can't say as to the button." + +"I am expecting one of my lawyers. It must be he. He was to have a +button off." + +"I'll look him over again," said Poopendyke. + +"Do. And be careful not to let the Count catch a glimpse of him. That +would be fatal." + +"No danger of that. He went at once to old Conrad's room." + +"Good! I had a note from him this morning, Mr. Smart. He is Mr. Bangs +of London." + +"May I inquire, Countess, how you manage to have letters delivered to +you here? Isn't it extremely dangerous to have them go through the +mails?" + +"They are all directed to the Schmicks," she explained. + +"They are passed on to me. Now go and see the Count. Don't lend him +any money." + +"I shall probably kick him over the cliff," I said, with a scowl. + +She laid her hand upon my arm. "Be careful," she said very earnestly, +"for my sake." + +Poopendyke had already started down the stairs. I raised her hand to +my lips. Then I rushed away, cursing myself for a fool, an ingrate, +a presumptuous bounder. + +My uncalled-for act had brought a swift flush of anger to her cheek. +I saw it quite plainly as she lowered her head and drew back into the +shadow of the curtain. Bounder! That is what I was for taking advantage +of her simple trust in me. Strange to say, she came to the head of the +stairs and watched me until I was out of sight in the hall below. + +The Count was waiting for me in the loggia. It was quite warm and he +fanned himself lazily with his broad straw hat. As I approached, he +tossed his cigarette over the wall and hastened to meet me. There was +a quaint diffident smile on his lips. + +"It is good to see you again, old fellow," he said, with an amiability +that surprised me. "I was afraid you might hold a grievance against +me. You Americans are queer chaps, you know. Our little tilt of the +other evening, you understand. Stupid way for two grown-up men to +behave, wasn't it? Of course, the explanation is simple. We had been +drinking. Men do silly things in their cups." + +Consummate assurance! I had not touched a drop of anything that night. + +"I assure you, Count Tarnowsy, the little tilt, as you are pleased to +call it, was of no consequence. I had quite forgotten that it occurred. +Sorry you reminded me of it." + +The irony was wasted. He beamed. "My dear fellow, shall we not shake +hands?" + +There _was_ something irresistibly winning about him, as I've said +before. Something boyish, ingenuous, charming,--what you will,--that +went far toward accounting for many things that you who have never seen +him may consider incomprehensible. + +A certain wariness took possession of me. I could well afford to +temporise. We shook hands with what seemed to be genuine fervour. + +"I suppose you are wondering what brings me here," he said, as we +started toward the entrance to the loggia, his arm through mine. "I +do not forget a promise, Mr. Smart. You may remember that I agreed to +fetch a man from Munchen to look over your fine old frescoes and to +give you an estimate. Well, he is here, the very best man in Europe." + +"I am sure I am greatly indebted to you, Count," I said, "but after +thinking it over I've--" + +"Don't say that you have already engaged some one to do the work," he +cried, in horror. "My dear fellow, don't tell me _that_! You are certain +to make a dreadful mistake if you listen to any one but Schwartzmuller. +He is the last word in restorations. He is the best bet, as you would +say in New York. Any one else will make a botch of the work. You will +curse the day you--" + +I checked him. "I have virtually decided to let the whole matter go +over until next spring. However, I shall be happy to have Mr. +Schwartzmuller's opinion. We may be able to plan ahead." + +A look of disappointment flitted across his face. The suggestion of +hard old age crept into his features for a second and then disappeared. + +"Delays are dangerous," he said. "My judgment is that those gorgeous +paintings will disintegrate more during the coming winter than in all +the years gone by. They are at the critical stage. If not preserved +now,--well, I cannot bear to think of the consequences. Ah, here is +Herr Schwartzmuller." + +Just inside the door, we came upon a pompous yet servile German who +could not by any means have been mistaken for anything but the last +word in restoration. I have never seen any one in my life whose +appearance suggested a more complete state of rehabilitation. His frock +coat was new, it had the unfailing smell of new wool freshly dyed; +his shoes were painfully new; his gloves were new; his silk hat was +resplendently new; his fat jowl was shaved to a luminous pink; his +gorgeous moustache was twisted up at the ends to such a degree that +when he smiled the points wavered in front of his eyes, causing him +to blink with astonishment. He was undeniably dressed up for the +occasion. My critical eye, however, discovered a pair of well-worn +striped trousers badly stained, slightly frayed at the bottom and +inclined to bag outward at the knee. Perhaps I should have said that +he was dressed up from the knee. + +"This is the great Herr Schwartzmuller, of the Imperial galleries in +Munchen," said the Count introducing us. + +The stranger bowed very profoundly and at the same time extracted a +business card from the tail pocket of his coat. This he delivered to +me with a smile which seemed to invite me to participate in a great +and serious secret: the secret of irreproachable standing as an art +expert and connoisseur. I confess to a mistaken impression concerning +him up to the moment he handed me his clumsy business card. My +suspicions had set him down as a confederate of Count Tarnowsy, a spy, +a secret agent or whatever you choose to consider one who is employed +in furthering a secret purpose. But the business card removed my doubts +and misgivings. It stamped him for what he really was: there is no +mistaking a German who hands you his business card. He destroys all +possible chance for discussion. + +In three languages the card announced that he was "August +Schwartzmuller, of the Imperial galleries, Munchen, Zumpe & +Schwartzmuller, proprietors. Restorations a specialty." There was much +more, but I did not have time to read all of it. Moreover, the card +was a trifle soiled, as if it had been used before. There could be no +doubt as to his genuineness. He was an art expert. + +For ten minutes I allowed them to expatiate on the perils of +procrastination in the treatment of rare old canvases and pigments, +and then, having formulated my plans, blandly inquired what the cost +would be. It appears that Herr Schwartzmuller had examined the frescoes +no longer than six months before in the interests of a New York +gentleman to whom Count Hohendahl had tried to sell them for a lump +sum. He was unable to recall the gentleman's name. + +"I should say not more than one hundred and fifty thousand marks, +perhaps less," said the expert, rolling his calculative eye upward and +running it along the vast dome of the hall as if to figure it out in +yards and inches. + +The Count was watching me with an eager light in his eyes. He looked +away as I shot a quick glance at his face. The whole matter became as +clear as day to me. He was to receive a handsome commission if the +contract was awarded. No doubt his share would be at least half of the +amount stipulated. I had reason to believe that the work could be +performed at a profit for less than half the figure mentioned by the +German. + +"Nearly forty thousand dollars, in other words," said I reflectively. + +"They are worth ten times that amount, sir," said the expert gravely. + +I smiled skeptically. The Count took instant alarm. He realised that +I was not such a fool as I looked, perhaps. + +"Hohendahl was once offered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, +Mr. Smart," he said. + +"Why didn't he accept it?" I asked bluntly. "He sold the whole place +to me, contents included, for less than half that amount." + +"It was years ago, before he was in such dire straits," he explained +quickly. + +A terrible suspicion entered my head. I felt myself turn cold. If the +frescoes were genuine they were worth all that Schwartzmuller declared; +that being the case why should Hohendahl have let them come to me for +practically nothing when there were dozens of collectors who would +have paid him the full price? I swallowed hard, but managed to control +my voice. + +"As a matter of fact, Count Tarnowsy," I said, resorting to unworthy +means, "I have every reason to believe that Hohendahl sold the originals +sometime ago, and had them replaced on the ceilings by clever +imitations. They are not worth the canvas they are painted on." + +He started. I intercepted the swift look of apprehension that passed +from him to the stolid Schwartzmuller, whose face turned a shade redder. + +"Impossible!" cried Tarnowsy sharply. + +"By no means impossible," I said calmly, now sure of my ground. "To +be perfectly frank with you, I've known from the beginning that they +are fakes. Your friend, Count Hohendahl, is nobler than you give him +credit for being. He confessed to me at the time our transaction took +place that the frescoes were very recent reproductions. The originals, +I think, are in London or New York." I saw guilt in the face of Herr +Schwartzmuller. His moustaches drooped with the corners of his mouth; +he did not seem to be filling out the frock coat quite so completely +as when I first beheld him. A shrewd suspicion impelled me to take +chances on a direct accusation. I looked straight into the German's +eyes and said: "Now that I come to think of it, I am sure he mentioned +the name of Schwartzmuller in connection with the--" + +"It is not true! It is not true!" roared the expert, without waiting +for me to finish. "He lied to you, we--the great firm of Zumpe & +Schwartzmuller--we could not be tempted with millions to do such a +thing." + +I went a step farther in my deductions. Somehow I had grasped the +truth: this pair deliberately hoped to swindle me out of forty thousand +dollars. They knew the frescoes were imitations and yet they were +urging me to spend a huge sum of money in restoring canvases that had +been purposely made to look old and flimsy in order to deceive a more +cautious purchaser than I. But, as I say, I went a step farther and +Deliberately accused Count Tarnowsy. + +"Moreover, Count Tarnowsy, you are fully aware of all this." + +"My dear fellow,--" + +"I'll not waste words. You are a damned scoundrel!" + +He measured the distance with his eye and then sprang swiftly forward, +striking blindly at my face. + +I knocked him down! + +Schwartzmuller was near the door, looking over his shoulder as he felt +for the great brass knob. + +"Mein Gott!" he bellowed. + +"Stop!" I shouted. "Come back here and take this fellow away with you!" + +Tarnowsy was sitting up, looking about him in a dazed, bewildered +manner. + +At that moment, Poopendyke came running down the stairs, attracted by +the loud voices. He was followed closely by three or four wide-eyed +glaziers who were working on the second floor. + +"In the name of heaven, sir!" + +"I've bruised my knuckles horribly," was all that I said. I seemed to +be in a sort of a daze myself. I had never knocked a man down before +in my life. It was an amazingly easy thing to do. I could hardly believe +that I had done it. + +Tarnowsy struggled to his feet and faced me, quivering with rage. I +was dumbfounded to see that he was not covered with blood. But he was +of a light, yellowish green. I could scarcely believe my eyes. + +"You shall pay for this!" he cried. The tears rushed to his eyes. +"Coward! Beast! To strike a defenceless man!" + +His hand went swiftly to his breast pocket, and an instant later a +small revolver flashed into view. It was then that I did another strange +and incomprehensible thing. With the utmost coolness I stepped forward +and wrested it from his hand. I say strange and incomprehensible for +the reason that he was pointing it directly at my breast and yet I had +not the slightest sensation of fear. He could have shot me like a dog. +I never even thought of that. + +"None of that!" I cried sharply. "Now, will you be good enough to get +out of this house--and stay out?" + +"My seconds will call on you--" + +"And they will receive just what you have received. If you or any of +your friends presume to trespass on the privacy of these grounds of +mine, I'll kick the whole lot of you into the Danube. Hawkes! Either +show or lead Count Tarnowsy to the gates. As for you, Mr. +Schwartzmuller, I shall expose--" + +But the last word in restorations had departed. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + +I AM FORCED INTO BEING A HERO + +My humblest apologies, dear reader, if I have led you to suspect that +I want to be looked upon as a hero. Far from patting myself on the +back or holding my chin a little higher because of the set-to in my +baronial halls, I confess to a feeling of shame. In my study, where +the efficient Blatchford put arnica and bandages on my swollen knuckles, +I solemnly declared in the presence of those who attended the +clinic--(my entire establishment was there to see that I had the proper +attention and to tell me how happy they were that it wasn't any +worse)--I say, I declared to all of them that I was an unmitigated +fool and undeserving of the slightest mead of praise. + +They insisted upon making a hero of me, and might have succeeded, had +not the incomparable Britton made the discovery that the Count's +revolver was not loaded! Still, they vociferated, I could not have +known that at the time of the encounter, nor was it at all likely that +the Count knew it himself. + +I confess to an inward and shameless glory, however, in the realisation +that I had been able to punch the head of the man who had lived with +and abused that lovely creature upstairs. He had struck her on more +than one occasion, I had it from her own lips. Far worse than that, +he had kissed her! But of course I had not knocked him down for that. +I did it because it was simpler than being knocked down myself. + +The worst feature of the whole unhappy business was the effect it was +likely to have upon my commonly pacific nature. Heretofore I had avoided +physical encounters, not because I was afraid of the result, but because +I hate brutal, unscientific manifestations of strength. Now, to my +surprise, I found that it was a ridiculously easy matter to knock a +man down and end the squabble in short order, thereby escaping a great +deal in the shape of disgusting recriminations, and coming off +victorious with nothing more vital in the way of wounds than a couple +of bruised knuckles. (No doubt, with practice, one could even avoid +having his knuckles barked.) + +Was it not probable, therefore, that my habitual tendency to turn away +wrath with a soft answer might suffer a more or less sanguinary shock? +Now that I had found out how simple it was, would I not be satisfied +to let my good right hand settle disputes for me--with uniform +certainty and despatch? Heaven is my witness that I have no desire to +be regarded as a bruiser. I hope that it may never fall to my lot to +again knock a man down. But if it should be necessary, I also wish to +record the hope that the man may be a husband who has mistreated his +wife. + +In the course of Blatchford's ministrations I was regaled with eloquent +descriptions of the manner in which my late adversary took his departure +from the castle. He went forth vowing vengeance, calling down upon my +head all the maledictions he could lay his tongue to, and darkly +threatening to have me driven out of the country. I was not to expect +a call from his seconds. He would not submit his friends to the +indignities they were sure to encounter at the hands of a barbarian +of my type. But, just the same, I would hear from him. I would regret +the day, etc., etc. + +I had forgotten Mr. Bangs, the lawyer. Sitting alone in my study, late +in the afternoon, smoking a solitary pipe of peace, I remembered him: +the man with the top button off. What had become of him? His presence +(or, more accurately, his absence) suddenly loomed up before me as the +forerunner of an unwelcome invasion of my preserves. He was, no doubt, +a sort of advance agent for the Titus family and its immediate +ramifications. + +Just as I was on the point of starting out to make inquiries concerning +him, there came to my ears the sound of tapping on the back of Red +Ludwig's portrait. Not until then did it occur to me that I had been +waiting for two hours for that simple manifestation of interest and +curiosity from the regions above. + +I rushed over and rapped resoundingly upon Ludwig's pudgy knee. The +next instant there was a click and then the secret door swung open, +revealing the eager, concerned face of my neighbour. + +"What has happened?" she cried. + +I lifted her out of the frame. Her gaze fell upon the bandaged fist. + +"Mr. Bangs spoke of a pistol. Don't tell me that he--he shot you!" + +I held up my swollen hand rather proudly. It smelled vilely of arnica. + +"This wound was self-inflicted, my dear Countess," I said, thrilled +by her expression of concern. "I had the exquisite pleasure--and +pain--of knocking your former husband down." + +"Oh, splendid!" she cried, her eyes gleaming with excitement. "Mr. +Bangs was rather hazy about it, and he would not let me risk +telephoning. You knocked Maris down?" + +"Emphatically," said I. + +She mused. "I think it is the first time it has ever happened to him. +How--how did he like it?" + +"It appeared to prostrate him." + +She smiled understandingly. "I am glad you did it, Mr. Smart." + +"If I remember correctly, you once said that he had struck you, +Countess." + +Her face flushed. "Yes. On three separate occasions he struck me in +the face with his open hand. I--I testified to that effect at the +trial. Every one seemed to look upon it as a joke. He swore that they +were--were love pats." + +"I hope his lack of discrimination will not lead him to believe that +I was delivering a love pat," said I, grimly. + +"Now, tell me everything that happened," she said, seating herself in +my big armchair. Her feet failed to touch the floor. She was wearing +the little tan pumps. + +When I came to that part of the story where I accused Tarnowsy of +duplicity in connection with the frescoes, she betrayed intense +excitement. + +"Of course it was all a bluff on my part," I explained. + +"But you were nearer the truth than you thought," she said, compressing +her lips. After a moment she went on: "Count Hohendahl sold the +originals over three years ago. I was here with Maris at the time of +the transaction and when the paintings were removed. Maris acted as +an intermediary in the deal. Hohendahl received two hundred thousand +dollars for the paintings, but they were worth it. I have reason to +believe that Maris had a fourth of the amount for his commission. So, +you see, you were right in your surmise." + +"The infernal rascal! Where are the originals, Countess?" + +"They are in my father's villa at Newport," she said. "I intended +speaking of this to you before, but I was afraid your pride would be +hurt. Of course, I should have spoken if it came to the point where +you really considered having those forgeries restored." + +"Your father bought them?" + +"Yes. While we were spending our honeymoon here in Schloss Rothhoefen, +Mr. Smart," she said. Her face was very pale. + +I could see that the dark associations filled her mind, and abruptly +finished my tale without further reference to the paintings. + +"He will challenge you," she said nervously. "I am so sorry to have +placed you in this dreadful position, Mr. Smart. I shall never forgive +myself for--" + +"You are in no way concerned in what happened to-day," I interrupted. +"It was a purely personal affair. Moreover, he will not challenge me." + +"He has fought three duels," she said. "He is not a physical coward." +Her dark eyes were full of dread. + +I hesitated. "Would you be vitally interested in the outcome of such +an affair?" I asked. My voice was strangely husky. + +"Oh, how can you ask?" + +"I mean, on Rosemary's account," I stammered. "He--he is her father, +you see. It would mean--" + +"I was not thinking of the danger to him, Mr. Smart," she said simply. + +"But can't you see how dreadful it would be if I were to kill Rosemary's +father?" I cried, completely forgetting myself. "Can't you see?" + +A slow flush mounted to her brow. "That is precisely what I was +thinking, Mr. Smart. It would be--unspeakably dreadful." + +I stood over her. My heart was pounding heavily. She must have seen +the peril that lay in my eyes, for she suddenly slipped out of the +chair and faced me, the flush dying in her cheek, leaving it as pale +as ivory. + +"You must not say anything more, Mr. Smart," she said gently. + +A bitter smile came to my lips, and I drew back with a sickening sense +of realisation. There _was_ nothing more to be said. But I now +thoroughly understood one thing: I was in love with her!... + +I am something of a philosopher. I submit that my attitude at the time +of my defeat at the hands of the jeweller's clerk proves the point +conclusively. If I failed at that time to inspire feelings of love in +the breast of a giddy stenographer, what right had I to expect anything +better from the beautiful Countess Tarnowsy, whose aspirations left +nothing to the imagination? While she was prone to chat without visible +restraint at this significantly trying moment, I, being a philosopher, +remained silent and thoughtful. Quite before I knew it, I was myself +again: a steady, self-reliant person who could make the best of a +situation, who could take his medicine like a man. Luckily, the medicine +was not so bitter as it might have been if I had made a vulgar, +impassioned display of my emotions. Thank heaven, I had _that_ to be +thankful for. + +She was speaking of the buttonless lawyer, Mr. Bangs. "He is waiting +to see you this evening, Mr. Smart, to discuss ways and means of getting +my mother and brothers into the castle without discovery by the spies +who are undoubtedly watching their every move." + +I drew in another long, deep breath. "It seems to me that the thing +cannot be done. The risk is tremendous. Why not head her off?" + +"Head her off? You do not know my mother, Mr. Smart. She has made up +her mind that her place is here with me, and there isn't anything in +the world that can--head her off, as you say." + +"But surely _you_ see the danger?" + +"I do. I have tried to stop her. Mr. Bangs has tried to stop her. So +has father. But she is coming. We must arrange something." + +I was pacing the floor in front of her. She had resumed her place in +the chair. + +"My deepest regret, Countess, lies in the fact that our little visits +will be--well, at an end. Our delightful little suppers and--" + +"Oh, but think of the comfort it will be to you, not having me on your +mind all of the time. I shall not be lonesome, I shall not be afraid, +I shall not be forever annoying you with selfish demands upon your +good nature. You will have time to write without interruption. It will +be for the best." + +"No," said I, positively. "They were jolly parties, and I shall miss +them." + +She looked away quickly. "And, if all goes well, I shall soon be safely +on my way to America. Then you will be rid of me completely." + +I was startled. "You mean that there is a plan afoot to--to smuggle +you out of the country?" + +"Yes. And I fear I shall have to trouble you again when it comes to +that. You must help me, Mr. Smart." + +I nodded slowly. Help her to get away? I hadn't thought of that lately. +The prospect left me rather cold and sick. + +"I'll do all that I can, Countess." + +She smiled faintly, but I was certain that I detected a challenge,--a +rather unkind challenge,--in her eyes. "You will come to see me in New +York, of course." + +I shook my head. "I am afraid we are counting our chickens before +they're hatched. One or the other of us may be in jail for the next +few years." + +"Heavens!" + +"But I'll come to see you in New York, if you'll let me," I cried, +trying to repair the damage I had done. "I was jesting when I spoke +of jail." + +Her brow was puckered in thought. "It has just occurred to me, my dear +friend, that even if I do get safely away, you will be left here to +face the consequences. When it becomes known that you sheltered me, +the authorities may make it extremely uncomfortable for you." + +"I'm not worrying about that." + +"Just the same, it is something to worry about," she said, seriously. +"Now, here is what I have had in mind for a long, long time. Why don't +you come with me when I leave? That will be the safest plan." + +"You are not in earnest!" + +"Assuredly. The plan is something like this: I am to be taken by slow +stages, overland, to a small Mediterranean port. One of a half-dozen +American yachts now cruising the sea will be ready to pick me up. +Doesn't it seem simple?" + +"It seems simple enough," said I. "But there are a lot of 'ifs' between +here and the little port you hope to reach. It will not be an easy +matter to manage the successful flight of a party as large as yours +will be." + +"Oh," she cried, "I shall be quite alone, except for Rosemary and +Blake,--and Mr. Bangs." + +"But your mother? You can't leave her here." + +"You will have to smuggle her out of the castle a day or two in advance. +It is all thought out, Mr. Smart." + +"By Jove!" I exclaimed, with more irascibility than I intended to show. +"If I succeed in doing all that is expected of me, I certainly will +be entitled to more than an invitation to come and see you in New +York." + +She arose and laid her fingers upon my bandaged hand. The reckless +light had died out of her eyes. + +"I have thought that out, too, Mr. Smart," she said, quietly. "And +now, good-bye. You will come up to see Mr. Bangs to-night?" + +Considerably mystified by her remark, I said I would come, and then +assisted her through the opening in the wall. She smiled back at me +as the portrait swung into place. + +What did she mean? Was it possible that she meant to have old man Titus +reward me in a pecuniary way? The very thought of such a thing caused +me to double up my fist--my recently discovered fist!--and to swear +softly under my breath. After a few moments I was conscious of a fierce +pain in the back of my hand. + + * * * * * * + +Bangs was a shrewd little Englishman. As I shook hands with him--using +my left hand with a superfluous apology--I glanced at the top of his +waistcoat. There was no button missing. + +"The Countess sewed it on for me," he said drily, reading my thoughts. + +I stayed late with them, discussing plans. He had strongly advised +against any attempt on Mrs. Titus's part to enter her daughter's +hiding-place, but had been overruled. I conceived the notion, too, +that he was a very strong-minded man. What then must have been the +strength of Mrs. Titus's resolution to overcome the objections he put +in her way? + +He, too, had thought it all out. Everybody seems to have thought +everything out with a single exception,--myself. His plan was not a +bad one. Mrs. Titus and her sons were to enter the castle under cover +of night, and I was to meet them in an automobile at a town some fifteen +kilometers away, where they would leave the train while their watchers +were asleep, and bring them overland to Schloss Rothhoefen. They would +be accompanied by a single lady's maid and no luggage. A chartered +motor boat would meet us up the river a few miles, and--well, it looked +very simple! All that was required of me was a willingness to address +her as "Mother" and her sons as "brothers" in case there were any +questions asked. + +This was Tuesday. They were coming on Thursday, and the train reached +the station mentioned at half-past twelve at night. So you will see +it was a jolly arrangement. + +I put Mr. Bangs up in my best guest-chamber, and, be it said to my +credit, the Countess did not have to suggest it to me. As we said good +night to her on the little landing at the top of the stairs, she took +my bandaged paw between her two little hands and said: + +"You will soon be rid of me forever, Mr. Smart. Will you bear with me +patiently for a little while longer?" There was a plaintive, appealing +note in her voice. She seemed strangely subdued. + +"I can bear with you much easier than I can bear the thought of being +rid of you," I said in a very low voice. She pressed my clumsy hand +fiercely, and I felt no pain. + +"You have been too good to me," she said in a very small voice. "Some +day, when I am out of all this trouble, I may be able to tell you how +much I appreciate all you have done for me." + +An almost irresistible--I was about to say ungovernable--impulse to +seize her in my arms came over me, but I conquered it and rushed after +Mr. Bangs, as blind as a bat and reeling for a dozen steps or more. +It was a most extraordinary feeling. + +I found myself wondering if passion had that effect on all men. If +this was an illustration of what a real passionate love could do to +a sensible, level-headed person, then what, in heaven's name, was the +emotion I had characterised as love during my placid courtship of the +faintly remembered typewriter? There had been no such blinding, +staggering sensation as this. No thoughts of physical contact with my +former inamorata had left me weak and trembling and dazed as I was at +this historic moment. + +Bangs was chattering in his glib English fashion as we descended to +my study, but I did not hear half that he said. He looked surprised +at two or three of the answers I made to his questions, and I am sure +there were several of them that I didn't respond to at all. He must +have thought me an unmannerly person. + +One remark of his brought me rather sharply to my senses. I seemed +capable of grasping its awful significance when all the others had +gone by without notice. + +"If all goes well," he was saying, "she should be safely away from +here on the fourteenth. That leaves less than ten days more, sir, under +your hospitable roof." + +"Less than ten days," I repeated. This was the fifth of the month. "If +all goes well. Less than ten days." + +Again I passed a sleepless night. A feeling of the utmost loneliness +and desolation grew up within me. Less than ten days! And then she +would be "safely away" from me. She and Rosemary! There was a single +ray of brightness in the gloom that shrouded my thoughts: she had urged +me to fly away with her. She did not want to leave me behind to face +the perils after she was safely out of them. God bless her for thinking +of that! + +But of course what little common sense and judgment I had left within +me told me that such a course was entirely out of the question. I could +not go away with her. I could do no more than to see her safely on her +way to the queer little port on the east coast of Italy. Then I should +return to my bleak, joyless castle,--to my sepulchre,--and suffer all +the torments of the damned for days and weeks until word came that she +was actually safe on the other side of the Atlantic. + +What courage, what pluck she had! Criminal? No, a thousand times, no! +She was claiming her own, her dearest own. The devil must have been +in the people who set themselves up as judges to condemn her for +fighting so bravely for that which God had given her. Curse them all! +... I fear that my thoughts became more and more maudlin as the +interminable night went on. + +Always they came back to the sickening realisation that I was to lose +her in ten days, and that my castle would be like a tomb. + +Of course the Hazzards and the Billy Smiths were possible panaceas, +but what could they bring to ease the pangs of a secret nostalgia? +Nothing but their own blissful contentment, their own happiness to +make my loneliness seem all the more horrible by contrast. Would it +not be better for me to face it alone? Would it not be better to live +the life of a hermit? + +She came to visit me at twelve o'clock the next day. I was alone in +the study. Poopendyke was showing Mr. Bangs over the castle. + +She was dressed in a gown of some soft grey material, and there was +a bunch of violets at her girdle. + +"I came to dress your hand for you," she said as I helped her down +from Red Ludwig's frame. + +Now I have neglected to mention that the back of my hand was swollen +to enormous proportions, an unlovely thing. + +"Thank you," I said, shaking my head; "but it is quite all right. +Britton attended to it this morning. It is good of you to think about +it, Countess. It isn't--" + +"I thought about it all night," she said, and I could believe her after +the light from the windows had fallen upon her face. There were dark +circles under her eyes and she was quite pale. Her eyes seemed +abnormally large and brilliant. "I am so sorry not to be able to do +one little thing for you. Will you not let me dress it after this?" + +I coloured. "Really, it--it is a most trifling bruise," I explained, +"just a little black and blue, that's all. Pray do not think of it +again." + +"You will never let me do anything for you," she said. Her eyes were +velvety. "It isn't fair. I have exacted so much from you, and--" + +"And I have been most brutal and unfeeling in many of the things I +have said to you," said I, despairingly. "I am ashamed of the nasty +wounds I have given you. My state of repentance allows you to exact +whatsoever you will of me, and, when all is said and done, I shall +still be your debtor. Can you--will you pardon the coarse opinions of +a conceited ass? I assure you I am not the man I was when you first +encountered me." + +She smiled. "For that matter, I am not the same woman I was, Mr. Smart. +You have taught me three things, one of which I may mention: the +subjection of self. That, with the other two, has made a new Aline +Titus of me. I hope you may be pleased with the--transfiguration." + +"I wish you were Aline Titus," I said, struck by the idea. + +"You may at least be sure that I shall not remain the Countess Tarnowsy +long, Mr. Smart," she said, with a very puzzling expression in her +eyes. + +My heart sank. "But I remember hearing you say not so very long ago +that you would never marry again," I railed. + +She regarded me rather oddly for a moment. "I am very, very glad that +you are such a steady, sensible, practical man. A vapid, impressionable +youth, during this season of propinquity, might have been so foolish +as to fall in love with me, and that would have been too bad." + +I think I glared at her. "Then,--then, you are going to marry some +one?" + +She waited a moment, looking straight into my eyes. + +"Yes," she said, and a delicate pink stole into her cheek, "I am going +to marry some one." + +I muttered something about congratulating a lucky dog, but it was all +very hazy to me. + +"Don't congratulate him yet," she cried, the flush deepening. "I may +be a very, very great disappointment to him, and a never-ending +nuisance." + +"I'm sure you will--will be all right," I floundered. Then I resorted +to gaiety. "You see, I've spent a lot of time trying to--to make another +woman of you, and so I'm confident he'll find you quite satisfactory." + +She laughed gaily. "What a goose you are!" she cried. + +I flushed painfully, for, I give you my word, it hurt to have her laugh +at me. She sobered at once. + +"Forgive me," she said very prettily, and I forgave her. "Do you know +we've never given the buried treasure another thought?" she went on, +abruptly changing the subject. "Are we not to go searching for it?" + +"But it isn't there," said I, steeling my heart against the longing +that tried to creep into it. "It's all balderdash." + +She pouted her warm red lips. "Have you lost interest in it so soon?" + +"Of course, I'll go any time you say," said I, lifelessly. "It will +be a lark, at all events." + +"Then we will go this very afternoon," she said, with enthusiasm. + +My ridiculous heart gave a great leap. "This very afternoon," I said, +managing my voice very well. + +She arose. "Now I must scurry away. It would not do for Mr. Bangs to +find me here with you. He would be shocked." + +I walked beside her to the chair that stood below the portrait of +Ludwig the Red, and took her hand to assist her in stepping upon it. + +"I sincerely hope this chap you're going to marry, Countess, may be +the best fellow in the world," said I, still clasping her hand. + +She had one foot on the chair as she half-turned to face me. + +"He is the best fellow in the world," she said. + +I gulped. "I can't tell you how happy I shall be if you--if you find +real happiness. You deserve happiness--and love." + +She gripped my hand fiercely. "I want to be happy! I want to be loved! +Oh, I want to be loved!" she cried, so passionately that I turned away, +unwilling to be a witness to this outburst of feeling on her part. She +slipped her hand out of mine and a second later was through the frame. +I had a fleeting glimpse of a slim, adorable ankle. "Good-bye," she +called back in a voice that seemed strangely choked. The spring in the +gold mirror clicked. A draft of air struck me in the face. She was +gone. + +"What an infernal fool you've been," I said to myself as I stood there +staring at the black hole in the wall. Then, I gently, even caressingly +swung old Ludwig the Red into place. There was another click. The +incident was closed. + +A very few words are sufficient to cover the expedition in quest of +the legendary treasures of the long dead Barons. Mr. Bangs accompanied +us. Britton carried a lantern and the three Schmicks went along as +guides. We found nothing but cobwebs. + +"Conrad," said I, as we emerged from the last of the underground +chambers, "tell me the truth: was there ever such a thing as buried +treasure in this abominable hole?" + +"Yes, mein herr," he replied, with an apologetic grin; "but I think +it was discovered three years ago by Count Hohendahl and Count +Tarnowsy." + +We stared at him. "The deuce you say!" cried I, with a quick glance +at the Countess. She appeared to be as much surprised as I. + +"They searched for a month," explained the old man, guiltily. "They +found something in the walls of the second tier. I cannot say what it +was, but they were very, very happy, my lady." He now addressed her. +"It was at the time they went away and did not return for three weeks, +if you remember the time." + +"Remember it!" she cried bitterly. "Too well, Conrad." She turned to +me. "We had been married less than two months, Mr. Smart." + +I smiled rather grimly. "Count Tarnowsy appears to have had a great +run of luck in those days." It was a mean remark and I regretted it +instantly. To my surprise she smiled--perhaps patiently--and immediately +afterward invited Mr. Bangs and me to dine with her that evening. She +also asked Mr. Poopendyke later on. + + * * * * * * * + +Poopendyke! An amazing, improbable idea entered my head. +_Poopendyke!_ + + * * * * * * * + +The next day I was very busy, preparing for the journey by motor to +the small station down the line where I was to meet Mrs. Titus and her +sons. It seemed to me that every one who knew anything whatever about +the arrangements went out of his way to fill my already rattle-brained +head with advice. I was advised to be careful at least one hundred +times; first in regard to the running of the car, then as to road +directions, then as to the police, then as to the identity of the party +I was to pick up; but more often than anything else, I was urged to +be as expeditious as possible and to look out for my tires. + +In order to avoid suspicion, I rented a big German touring car for a +whole month, paying down a lump sum of twelve hundred marks in advance. +On Thursday morning I took it out for a spin, driving it myself part +of the time, giving the wheel to Britton the remainder. + +(The year before I had toured Europe pretty extensively in a car of +the same make, driving alternately with Britton, who besides being an +excellent valet was a chauffeur of no mean ability, having served a +London actress for two years or more, which naturally meant that he had +been required to do a little of everything.) + +We were to keep the car in a garage across the river, drive it +ourselves, and pay for the up-keep. We were therefore quite free to +come and go as we pleased, without the remotest chance of being +questioned. In fact, I intimated that I might indulge in a good bit +of joy-riding if the fine weather kept up. + +Just before leaving the castle for the ferry trip across the river +that evening, I was considerably surprised to have at least a dozen +brand new trunks delivered at my landing stage. It is needless to say +that they turned out to be the property of Mrs. Titus, expressed by +_grande vitesse_ from some vague city in the north of Germany. They all +bore the name "Smart, U. S. A.," painted in large white letters on each +end, and I was given to understand that they belonged to my own dear +mother, who at that moment, I am convinced, was sitting down to luncheon +in the Adirondacks, provided her habits were as regular as I remembered +them to be. + +I set forth with Britton at nine o'clock, in a drizzling rain. There +had been no rain for a month. The farmers, the fruit-raisers, the +growers of grapes and all the birds and beasts of the field had been +begging for rain for weeks. No doubt they rejoiced in the steady +downpour that came at half-past nine, but what must have been their +joy at ten when the very floodgates of heaven opened wide and let loose +all the dammed waters of July and August (and perhaps some that was +being saved up for the approaching September!) I have never known it +to rain so hard as it did on that Thursday night in August, nor have +I ever ceased reviling the fate that instituted, on the very next day, +a second season of drought that lasted for nearly six weeks. + +But we went bravely through that terrible storm, Britton and I, and +the vehement Mercedes, up hill and down, over ruts and rocks, across +bridges and under them, sozzling and swishing and splashing in the +path of great white lights that rushed ahead of us through the gloom. +At half-past eleven o'clock we were skidding over the cobblestones of +the darkest streets I have ever known, careening like a drunken sailor +but not half as surely, headed for the Staatsbahnhof, to which we had +been directed by an object in a raincoat who must have been a policeman +but who looked more like a hydrant. + +"Britton," said I, wearily, "have you ever seen anything like it?" + +"Once before, sir," said he. "Niagara Falls, sir." + + * * * * * * * + + + +CHAPTER XV + +I TRAVERSE THE NIGHT + +We were drenched to the skin and bespattered with mud, cold and +cheerless but full of a grim excitement. Across the street from the +small, poorly lighted railway station there was an eating-house. Leaving +the car in the shelter of a freight shed, we sloshed through the shiny +rivulet that raced between the curbs and entered the clean, +unpretentious little restaurant. + +There was a rousing smell of roasted coffee pervading the place. A +sleepy German waiter first came up and glanced sullenly at the +mud-tracks we left upon the floor; then he allowed his insulting gaze +to trail our progress to the lunch counter by means of a perfect torrent +of rain-water drippings. He went out of the room grumbling, to return +a moment later with a huge mop. Thereupon he ordered us out of the +place, standing ready with the mop to begin the cleansing process the +instant we vacated the stools. It was quite clear to both of us that +he wanted to begin operations at the exact spot where we were standing. + +"Coffee for two," said I, in German. To me anything uttered in the +German language sounds gruff and belligerent, no matter how gentle its +meaning. That amiable sentence: "Ich liebe dich" is no exception; to +me it sounds relentless. I am confident that I asked for coffee in a +very mild and ingratiating tone, in direct contrast to his command to +get out, and was somewhat ruffled by his stare of speechless rage. + +"Zwei," said Britton, pointing to the big coffee urn. + +The fellow began mopping around my feet--in fact, he went so far as +to mop the tops of them and a little way up my left leg in his efforts +to make a good, clean job of it. + +"Stop that!" I growled, kicking at the mop. Before I could get my foot +back on the floor he skilfully swabbed the spot where it had been +resting, a feat of celerity that I have never seen surpassed. "Damn +it, don't!" I roared, backing away. The resolute mop followed me like +the spectre of want. Fascinated, I found myself retreating to the +doorway. + +Britton, resourceful fellow, put an end to his endeavours by jumping +upon the mop and pinning it to the floor very much as he would have +stamped upon a wounded rat. + +The fellow called out lustily to some one in the kitchen, at the same +time giving the mop handle a mighty jerk. If you are expecting me to +say that Britton came to woe, you are doomed to disappointment. It was +just the other way about. Just as the prodigious yank took place, my +valet hopped nimbly from the mop, and the waiter sat down with a +stunning thud. + +I do not know what might have ensued had not the proprietress of the +place appeared at that instant, coming from the kitchen. She was the +cook as well, and she was large enough to occupy the space of at least +three Brittons. She was huge beyond description. + +"Wass iss?" she demanded, pausing aghast. Her voice was a high, belying +treble. + +I shall not attempt to describe in detail all that followed. It is +only necessary to state that she removed the mop from the hands of the +quaking menial and fairly swabbed him out into the thick of the +rainstorm. + +While we were drinking our hot, steaming coffee and gorging ourselves +with frankfurters, the poor wretch stood under the eaves with his face +glued to the window, looking in at us with mournful eyes while the +drippings from the tiles poured upon his shoulders and ran in rivulets +down his neck. I felt so sorry for him that I prevailed upon the +muttering, apologetic hostess to take him in again. She called him in +as she might have called a dog, and he edged his way past her with the +same scared, alert look in his eyes that one always sees in those of +an animal that has its tail between its legs. + +She explained that he was her nephew, just off the farm. Her sister's +son, she said, and naturally not as intelligent as he ought to be. + +While we were sitting there at the counter, a train roared past the +little station. We rushed to the door in alarm. But it shot through +at the rate of fifty miles an hour. I looked at my watch. It still +wanted half-an-hour of train time, according to the schedule. + +"It was the express, mein herr," explained the woman. "It never stops. +We are too small yet. Some time we may be big enough." I noticed that +her eyes were fixed in some perplexity on the old clock above the pie +shelves. "Ach! But it has never been so far ahead of time as to-night. +It is not due for fifteen minutes yet, and here it is gone yet." + +"Perhaps your clock is slow," I said. "My watch says four minutes to +twelve." + +Whereupon she heaped a tirade of abuse upon the shrinking Hans for +letting the clock lose ten minutes of her valuable time. To make sure, +Hans set it forward nearly half an hour while she was looking the other +way. Then he began mopping the floor again. + +At half-past twelve the train from Munich drew up at the station, +panted awhile in evident disdain, and then moved on. + +A single passenger alighted: a man with a bass viol. There was no sign +of the Tituses! + +We made a careful and extensive search of the station, the platform +and even the surrounding neighbourhood, but it was quite evident that +they had not left the train. Here was a pretty pass! Britton, however, +had the rather preposterous idea that there might be another train a +little later on. It did not seem at all likely, but we made inquiries +of the station agent. To my surprise--and to Britton's infernal British +delight--there was a fast train, with connections from the north, +arriving in half an hour. It was, however, an hour late, owing to the +storm. + +"Do you mean that it will arrive at two o'clock?" I demanded in dismay. + +"No, no," said the guard; "it will arrive at one but not until two. +It is late, mein herr." + +We dozed in the little waiting-room for what I consider to be the +longest hour I've ever known, and then hunted up the guard once more. +He blandly informed me that it was still an hour late. + +"An hour from _now_?" I asked. + +"An hour from two," said he, pityingly. What ignorant lummixes we were! + +Just ten minutes before three the obliging guard came in and roused +us from a mild sleep. + +"The train is coming, mein herr." + +"Thank God!" + +"But I neglected to mention that it is an express and never stops +here." + +My right hand was still in a bandage, but it was so nearly healed that +I could have used it without discomfort--(note my ability to drive +a motor car)--and it was with the greatest difficulty that I restrained +a mad, devilish impulse to strike that guard full upon the nose, from +which the raindrops coursed in an interrupted descent from the visor +of his cap. + +The shrill, childish whistle of the locomotive reached us at that +instant. A look of wonder sprang into the eyes of the guard. + +"It--it is going to stop, mein herr," he cried. "Gott in himmel! It +has never stopped before." He rushed out upon the platform in a great +state of agitation, and we trailed along behind him, even more excited +than he. + +It was still raining, but not so hard. The glare of the headlight was +upon us for an instant and then, passing, left us in blinding darkness. +The brakes creaked, the wheels grated and at last the train came to +a standstill. For one horrible moment I thought it was going on through +in spite of its promissory signal. Britton went one way and I the +other, with our umbrellas ready. Up and down the line of _wagon lits_ we +raced. A conductor stepped down from the last coach but one, and +prepared to assist a passenger to alight. I hastened up to him. + +"Permit me," I said, elbowing him aside. + +A portly lady squeezed through the vestibule and felt her way carefully +down the steps. Behind her was a smallish, bewhiskered man, trying to +raise an umbrella inside the narrow corridor, a perfectly impossible +feat. + +She came down into my arms with the limpness of one who is accustomed +to such attentions, and then wheeled instantly upon the futile +individual on the steps above. + +"Quick! My hat! Heaven preserve us, how it rains!" she cried, in a +deep, wheezy voice and--in German! + +"Moth--" I began insinuatingly, but the sacred word died unfinished +on my lips. The next instant I was scurrying down the platform to where +I saw Britton standing. + +"Have you seen them?" I shouted wildly. + +"No, sir. Not a sign, sir. Ah! See!" + +He pointed excitedly down the platform. + +"No!" I rasped out. "By no possible stretch of the imagination can +_that_ be Mrs. Titus. Come! We must ask the conductor. _That_ woman? +Good Lord, Britton, she _waddles!_" + +The large lady and the smallish man passed us on the way to shelter, +the latter holding an umbrella over her hat with one hand and lugging +a heavy hamper in the other. They were both exclaiming in German. The +station guard and the conductor were bowing and scraping in their wake, +both carrying boxes and bundles. + +No one else had descended from the train. I grabbed the conductor by +the arm. + +"Any one else getting off here?" I demanded in English and at once +repeated it in German. + +He shook himself loose, dropped the bags in the shelter of the station +house, doffed his cap to the imperious backs of his late passengers, +and scuttled back to the car. A moment later the train was under way. + +"Can you not see for yourself?" he shouted from the steps as he passed +me by. + +Once more I swooped down upon the guard. He was stuffing the large +German lady into a small, lopsided carriage, the driver of which was +taking off his cap and putting it on again after the manner of a +mechanical toy. + +"Go away," hissed the guard angrily. "This is the Mayor and the +Mayoress. Stand aside! Can't you see?" + +Presently the Mayor and the Mayoress were snugly stowed away in the +creaking hack, and it rattled away over the cobblestones. + +"When does the next train get in?" I asked for the third time. He was +still bowing after the departing hack. + +"Eh? The next? Oh, mein herr, is it you?" + +"Yes, it is still I. Is there another train soon?" + +"That was Mayor Berg and his wife," he said, taking off his cap again +in a sort of ecstasy. "The express stops for him, eh? Ha! It stops for +no one else but our good Mayor. When he commands it to stop it stops--" + +"Answer my question," I thundered, "or I shall report you to the Mayor!" + +"Ach, Gott!" he gasped. Collecting his thoughts, he said: "There is +no train until nine o'clock in the morning. Nine, mein herr." + +"Ach, Gott!" groaned I. "Are you sure?" + +"Jah! You can go home now and go to bed, sir. There will be no train +until nine and I will not be on duty then. Good night!" + +Britton led me into the waiting-room, where I sat down and glared at +him as if he were to blame for everything connected with our present +plight. + +"I daresay we'd better be starting 'ome, sir," said he timidly. +"Something 'as gone wrong with the plans, I fear. They did not come, +sir." + +"Do you think I am blind?" I roared. + +"Not at all, sir," he said in haste, taking a step or two backward. + +Inquiries at the little eating-house only served to verify the report +of the station-guard. There would be no train before nine o'clock, and +that was a very slow one; what we would call a "local" in the States. +Sometimes, according to the proprietress, it was so slow that it didn't +get in at all. It had been known to amble in as late as one in the +afternoon, but when it happened to be later than that it ceased to +have an identity of its own and came in as a part of the two o'clock +train. Moreover, it carried nothing but third-class carriages and more +often than not it had as many as a dozen freight cars attached. + +There was not the slightest probability that the fastidious Mrs. Titus +would travel by such a train, so we were forced to the conclusion that +something had gone wrong with the plans. Very dismally we prepared for +the long drive home. What could have happened to upset the well-arranged +plan? Were Tarnowsy's spies so hot upon the trail that it was necessary +for her to abandon the attempt to enter my castle? In that case, she +must have sent some sort of a message to her daughter, apprising her +of the unexpected change; a message which, unhappily for me, arrived +after my departure. It was not likely that she would have altered her +plans without letting us know, and yet I could not shake off an +exasperating sense of doubt. If I were to believe all that Bangs said +about the excellent lady, it would not be unlike her to do quite as +she pleased in the premises without pausing to consider the comfort +or the convenience of any one else interested in the undertaking. A +selfish desire to spend the day in Lucerne might have overtaken her +_en passant_, and the rest of us could go hang for all that she cared +about consequences! + +I am ashamed to confess that the longer I considered the matter, the +more plausible this view of the situation appeared to me. By the time +we succeeded in starting the engine, after cranking for nearly half +an hour, I was so consumed by wrath over the scurvy trick she had +played upon us that I swore she should not enter my castle if I could +prevent it; moreover, I would take fiendish delight in dumping her +confounded luggage into the Danube. + +I confided my views to Britton who was laboriously cranking the machine +and telling me between grunts that the "bloody water 'ad got into it," +and we both resorted to painful but profound excoriations without in +the least departing from our relative positions as master and man: he +swore about one abomination and I another, but the gender was +undeviatingly the same. + +We also had trouble with the lamps. + +At last we were off, Britton at the wheel. I shall not describe that +diabolical trip home. It is only necessary to say that we first lost +our way and went ten or twelve kilometers in the wrong direction; then +we had a blow-out and no quick-detachable rim; subsequently something +went wrong with the mud-caked machinery and my unfortunate valet had +to lie on his back in a puddle for half an hour; eventually we sneaked +into the garage with our trembling Mercedes, and quarrelled manfully +with the men who had to wash her. + +"Great heaven, Britton!" I groaned, stopping short in my sloshy progress +down the narrow street that led to the ferry. + +He looked at me in astonishment. I admit that the ejaculation must +have sounded weak and effeminate to him after what had gone before. + +"What is it, sir?" he asked, at once resuming his status as a servant +after a splendid hiatus of five hours or more in which he had enjoyed +all of the by-products of equality. + +"Poopendyke!" I exclaimed, aghast. "I have just thought of him. The +poor devil has been waiting for us three miles up the river since +midnight! What do you think of that!" + +"No such luck, sir," said he, grumpily. + +"Luck! You heartless rascal! What do you mean by that?" + +"I beg pardon, sir. I mean to say, he could sit in the boat 'ouse and +twiddle 'is thumbs at the elements, sir. Trust Mr. Poopendyke to keep +out of the rain." + +"In any event, he is still waiting there for us, wet or dry. He and +the two big Schmicks." I took a moment for thought. "We must telephone +to the castle and have Hawkes send Conrad out with word to them." I +looked at my watch. It was twenty minutes past seven. "I suppose no +one in the castle went to bed last night. Good Lord, what a scene for +a farce!" + +We retraced our steps to the garage, where Britton went to the +telephone. I stood in the doorway of the building, staring gloomily, +hollow-eyed at the--well, at nothing, now that I stop to think of it. +The manager of the place, an amiable, jocund descendant of Lazarus, +approached me. + +"Quite a storm last night, Mr. Schmarck," he said, rubbing his hands +on an oil-rag. I gruffly agreed with him in a monosyllable. "But it +is lovely to-day, sir. Heavenly, sir." + +"Heavenly?" I gasped. + +"Ah, but look at the glorious sun," he cried, waving the oil-rag in +all directions at once. + +The sun! Upon my word, the sun _was_ shining fiercely. I hadn't noticed +it before. The tops of the little red-tiled houses down the street +glistened in the glare of sunshine that met my gaze as I looked up at +them. Suddenly I remembered that I had witnessed the sunrise, a most +doleful, dreary phenomenon that overtook us ten miles down the valley. I +had seen it but it had made no impression on my tortured mind. The great +god of day had sprung up out of the earth to smile upon me--or at +me--and I had let him go unnoticed, so black and desolate was the memory +of the night he destroyed! I had only a vague recollection of the dawn. +The thing that caused me the most concern was the discovery that we had +run the last half of our journey in broad daylight with our acetylene +lamps going full blast. I stared at the tiles, blinking and unbelieving. + +"Well, I'm--dashed," I said, with a silly grin. + +"The moon will shine to-night, Mr. Schmarck--" he began insinuatingly. + +"_Smart_, if you please," I snapped. + +"Ah," he sighed, rolling his eyes, "it is fine to be in love." + +A full minute passed before I grasped the meaning of that soft answer, +and then it was too late. He had gone about his business without waiting +to see whether my wrath had been turned away. I had been joy-riding! + +The excitement in Britton's usually imperturbable countenance as he +came running up to me from the telephone closet prepared me in a way +for the startling news that was to come. + +"Has anything serious happened?" I cried, my heart sinking a little +lower. + +"I had Mr. Poopendyke himself on the wire, sir. What do you think, +sir?" + +A premonition! "She--she has arrived?" I demanded dully. + +He nodded. "She 'as, sir. Mrs.--your mother, sir, is in your midst." +The proximity of the inquisitive manager explains this extraordinary +remark on the part of my valet. We both glared at the manager and he +had the delicacy to move away. "She arrived by a special train at +twelve lawst night, sir." + +I was speechless. The brilliant sunshine seemed to be turning into +sombre night before my eyes; everything was going black. + +"She's asleep, he says, and doesn't want to be disturbed till noon, +so he says he can't say anything more just now over the telephone +because he's afraid of waking 'er." (Britton drops them when excited.) + +"He doesn't have to shout so loud that he can be heard on the top +floor," said I, still a trifle dazed. + +"She 'appens to be sleeping in your bed, sir, he says." + +"In _my_ bed? Good heavens, Britton! What's to become of _me_?" + +"Don't take it so 'ard, sir," he made haste to say. "Blatchford 'as +fixed a place for you on the couch in your study, sir. It's all very +snug, sir." + +"But, Britton," I said in horror, "suppose that I should have come +home last night. Don't you see?" + +"I daresay she 'ad the door locked, sir," he said. + +"By special train," I mumbled. A light broke in upon my reviving +intellect. "Why, it was the train that went through at a mile a minute +while we were in the coffee-house. No wonder we didn't meet her!" + +"I shudder to think of wot would 'ave 'appened if we had, sir," said +he, meaning no doubt to placate me. "Mr. Poopendyke says the Countess +'as been up all night worrying about you, sir. She has been distracted. +She wanted 'im to go out and search for you at four o'clock this +morning, but he says he assured 'er you'd turn up all right. He says +Mrs.--the elderly lady, begging your pardon, sir,--thought she was +doing for the best when she took a special. She wanted to save us all +the trouble she could. He says she was very much distressed by our +failure to 'ave some one meet her with a launch when she got here last +night, sir. As it was, she didn't reach the castle until nearly one, +and she looked like a drowned rat when she got there, being hex--exposed +to a beastly rainstorm. See wot I mean? She went to bed in a _dreadful_ +state, he says, but he thinks she'll be more pleasant before the day is +over." + +I burst into a fit of laughter. "Hurray!" I shouted, exultantly. "So +she was out in it too, eh? Well, by Jove, I don't feel half as badly +as I did five minutes ago. Come! Let us be off." + +We started briskly down the street. My spirits were beginning to +rebound. Poopendyke had said that she worried all night about me! She +had been distracted! Poor little woman! Still I was glad to know that +she had the grace to sit up and worry instead of going to sleep as she +might have done. I was just mean enough to be happy over it. + +Poopendyke met us on the town side of the river. He seemed a trifle +haggard, I thought. He was not slow, on the other hand, to announce +in horror-struck tones that I looked like a ghost. + +"You must get those wet clothes off at once, Mr. Smart, and go to bed +with a hot water bottle and ten grains of quinine. You'll be very ill +if you don't. Put a lot more elbow grease into those oars, Max. Get +a move on you. Do you want Mr. Smart to die of pneumonia?" + +While we were crossing the muddy river, my secretary, his teeth +chattering with cold and excitement combined, related the story of the +night. + +"We were just starting off for the boat-house up the river, according +to plans, Max and Rudolph and I with the two boats, when the Countess +came down in a mackintosh and a pair of gum boots and insisted upon +going along with us. She said it wasn't fair to make you do all the +work, and all that sort of thing, and I was having the devil's own +time to induce her to go back to the castle with Mr. Bangs. While we +were arguing with her,--and it was getting so late that I feared we +wouldn't be in time to meet you,--we heard some one shouting on the +opposite side of the river. The voice sounded something like Britton's, +and the Countess insisted that there had been an accident and that you +were hurt, Mr. Smart, and nothing would do but we must send Max and +Rudolph over to see what the trouble was. It was raining cats and dogs, +and I realised that it would be impossible for you to get a boatman +on that side at that hour of the night,--it was nearly one,--so I sent +the two Schmicks across. I've never seen a night as dark as it was. +The two little lanterns bobbing in the boat could hardly be seen through +the torrents of rain, and it was next to impossible to see the lights +on the opposite landing stage--just a dull, misty glow. + +"To make the story short, Mrs. Titus and her sons were over there, +with absolutely no means of crossing the river. There were no boatmen, +the ferry had stopped, and they were huddled under the eaves of the +wharf building. Everything was closed and locked up for the night. The +night-watchman and a policeman lit the pier lamps for them, but that's +as far as they'd go. It took two trips over to fetch the whole party +across. Raining pitchforks all the time, you understand. Mrs. Titus +was foaming at the mouth because you don't own a yacht or at least a +launch with a canopy top, or a limousine body, or something of the +sort. + +"I didn't have much of a chance to converse with her. The Countess +tried to get her upstairs in the east wing but she wouldn't climb +another step. I forgot to mention that the windlass was out of order +and she had to climb the hill in mud six inches deep. The Schmicks +carried her the last half of the distance. She insisted on sleeping +in the hall or the study,--anywhere but upstairs. I assumed the +responsibility of putting her in your bed, sir. It was either that +or--" + +I broke in sarcastically "You couldn't have put her into your bed, I +suppose." + +"Not very handily, Mr. Smart," he said in an injured voice. "One of +her sons occupied my bed. Of course, it was all right, because I didn't +intend to go to bed, as it happened. The older son went upstairs with +the Countess. She gave up her bed to him, and then she and I sat up +all night in the study waiting for a telephone message from you. The +younger son explained a good many things to us that his mother +absolutely refused to discuss, she was so mad when she got here. It +seems she took it into her head at the last minute to charter a special +train, but forgot to notify us of the switch in the plans. She travelled +by the regular train from Paris to some place along the line, where +she got out and waited for the special which was following along behind, +straight through from Paris, too. A woeful waste of money, it seemed +to me. Her idea was to throw a couple of plain-clothes men off the +track, and, by George, sir, she succeeded. They thought she was changing +from a train to some place in Switzerland, and went off to watch the +other station. Then she sneaked aboard the special, which was chartered +clear through to Vienna. See how clever she is? If they followed on +the next train, or telegraphed, it would naturally be to Vienna. She +got off at this place and--well, we have her with us, sir, as snug +as a bug in a rug." + +"What is she like, Fred?" I inquired. I confess that I hung on his +reply. + +"I have never seen a wet hen, but I should say, on a guess, that she's +a good bit like one. Perhaps when she's thoroughly dried out she may +not be so bad, but--" He drew a long, deep breath. "But, upon my word +of honour, she was the limit last night. Of course one couldn't expect +her to be exactly gracious, with her hair plastered over her face and +her hat spoiled and her clothes soaked, but there was really no excuse +for some of the things she said to me. I shall overlook them for your +sake and for the Countess's." He was painfully red in the face. + +"The conditions, Fred," I said, "were scarcely conducive to polite +persiflage." + +"But, hang it all, I was as wet as she was," he exploded, so violently +that I knew his soul must have been tried to the utmost. + +"We must try to make the best of it," I said. "It will not be for +long." The thought of it somehow sent my heart back to its lowest +level. + +He was glum and silent for a few minutes. Then he said, as if the +thought had been on his mind for some hours: "She isn't a day over +forty-five. It doesn't seem possible, with a six-foot son twenty-six +years old." + +Grimly I explained. "They marry quite young when it's for money, Fred." + +"I suppose that's it," he sighed. "I fancy she's handsome, too, when +she hasn't been rained upon." + +We were half way up the slope when he announced nervously that all of +my dry clothing was in the closet off my bedroom and could not be got +at under any circumstance. + +"But," he said, "I have laid out my best frock coat and trousers for +you, and a complete change of linen. You are quite welcome to anything +I possess, Mr. Smart. I think if you take a couple of rolls at the +bottom of the trousers, they'll be presentable. The coat may be a +little long for you, but--" + +My loud laughter cut him short. + +"It's the best I could do," he said in an aggrieved voice. + +I had a secret hope that the Countess would be in the courtyard to +welcome me, but I was disappointed. Old Gretel met me and wept over +me, as if I was not already sufficiently moist. The chef came running +out to say that breakfast would be ready for me when I desired it; +Blatchford felt of my coat sleeve and told me that I was quite wet; +Hawkes had two large, steaming toddies waiting for us in the vestibule, +apparently fearing that we could get no farther without the aid of a +stimulant. But there was no sign of a single Titus. + +Later I ventured forth in Poopendyke's best suit of clothes--the one +he uses when he passes the plate on Sundays in far-away Yonkers. It +smelled of moth-balls, but it was gloriously dry, so why carp! We +sneaked down the corridor past my own bedroom door and stole into the +study. + +Just inside the door, I stopped in amazement. The Countess was sound +asleep in my big armchair, a forlorn but lovely thing in a pink +peignoir. Her rumpled brown hair nestled in the angle of the chair; +her hands drooped listlessly at her sides; dark lashes lay upon the +soft white cheeks; her lips were parted ever so slightly, and her bosom +rose and fell in the long swell of perfect repose. + +Poopendyke clutched me by the arm and drew me toward the door, or I +might have stood there transfixed for heaven knows how long. + +"She's asleep," he whispered. + +It was the second time in twelve hours that some one had intimated +that I was blind. + + * * * * * + + + +CHAPTER XVI + +I INDULGE IN PLAIN LANGUAGE + +The door creaked villainously. The gaunt, ecclesiastical tails of my +borrowed frock coat were on the verge of being safely outside with me +when she cried out. Whereupon I swiftly transposed myself, and stuck +my head through the half-open door. + +"Oh, it's you!" she cried, in a quavery voice. She was leaning forward +in the chair, her eyes wide open and eager. + +I advanced into the room. A look of doubt sprang into her face. She +stared for a moment and then rather piteously rubbed her eyes. + +"Yes, it is I," said I, spreading my arms in such a way that my hands +emerged from the confines of Poopendyke's sleeves. (Upon my word, I +had no idea that he was so much longer than I!) "It is still I, +Countess, despite the shrinkage." + +"The shrinkage?" she murmured, slowly sliding out of the chair. As she +unbent her cramped leg, she made a little grimace of pain, but smiled +as she limped toward me, her hand extended. + +"Yes, I always shrink when I get wet," I explained, resorting to +facetiousness. + +Then I bent over her hand and kissed it. As I neglected to release it +at once, the cuff of Poopendyke's best coat slid down over our two +hands, completely enveloping them. It was too much for me to stand. +I squeezed her hand with painful fervour, and then released it in +trepidation. + +"Poopendyke goes to church in it," I said vaguely, leaving her to guess +what it was that Poopendyke went to church in, or, perhaps, knowing +what I meant, how I happened to be in it for the time being. "You've +been crying!" + +Her eyes were red and suspiciously moist. + +As she met my concerned gaze, a wavering, whimsical smile crept into +her face. + +"It has been a disgustingly wet night," she said. "Oh, you don't know +how happy I am to see you standing here once more, safe and sound, +and--and amiable. I expected you to glower and growl and--" + +"On a bright, glorious, sunshiny morning like this?" I cried. "Never! +I prefer to be graciously refulgent. Our troubles are behind us." + +"How good you are." After a moment's careful, scrutiny of my face: "I +can see the traces of very black thoughts, Mr. Smart,--and recent +ones." + +"They were black until I came into this room," I confessed. "Now they +are rose-tinted." + +She bent her slender body a little toward me and the red seemed to +leap back into her lips as if propelled by magic. Resolutely I put my +awkward, ungainly arms behind my back, and straightened my figure. I +was curiously impressed by the discovery that I was very, very tall +and she very much smaller than my memory recorded. Of course, I had +no means of knowing that she was in bedroom slippers and not in the +customary high-heeled boots that gave her an inch and a half of false +stature. + +"Your mother is here," I remarked hurriedly. + +She glanced toward my bedroom door. + +"Oh, what a night!" she sighed. "I did all that I could to keep her +out of your bed. It was useless. I _did_ cry, Mr. Smart. I know you must +hate all of us." + +I laughed. "'Love thy neighbour as thyself,'" I quoted. "You are my +neighbour, Countess; don't forget that. And it so happens that your +mother is also my neighbour at present, and your brothers too. Have +you any cousins and aunts?" + +"I can't understand how any one can be so good-natured as you," she +sighed. + +The crown of her head was on a level with my shoulder. Her eyes were +lowered; a faint line of distress grew between them. For a minute I +stared down at the brown crest of her head, an almost ungovernable +impulse pounding away at my sense of discretion. I do take credit unto +myself for being strong enough to resist that opportunity to make an +everlasting idiot of myself. I knew, even then, that if a similar +attack ever came upon me again I should not be able to withstand it. +It was too much to expect of mortal man. Angels might survive the test, +but not wingless man. + +All this time she was staring rather pensively at the second button +from the top of Poopendyke's coat, and so prolonged and earnest was +her gaze that I looked down in some concern, at the same time permitting +myself to make a nervous, jerky and quite involuntary digital +examination of the aforesaid button. She looked up with a nervous +little laugh. + +"I shall have to sew one on right there for poor Mr. Poopendyke," she +said, poking her finger into the empty buttonhole. "You dear bachelors!" + +Then she turned swiftly away from me, and glided over to the big +armchair, from the depths of which she fished a small velvet bag. +Looking over her shoulder, she smiled at me. + +"Please look the other way," she said. Without waiting for me to do +so, she took out a little gold box, a powder puff, and a stick of lip +rouge. Crossing to the small Florentine mirror that hung near my desk, +she proceeded, before my startled eyes, to repair the slight--and to +me unnoticeable--damage that had been done to her complexion before +the sun came up. + +"Woman works in a mysterious way, my friend, her wonders to perform," +she paraphrased calmly. + +"No matter how transcendently beautiful woman may be, she always does +that sort of thing to herself, I take it," said I. + +"She does," said the Countess with conviction. She surveyed herself +critically. "There! And now I am ready to accept an invitation to +breakfast. I am disgustingly hungry." + +"And so am I!" I cried with enthusiasm. "Hurray! You shall eat +Poopendyke's breakfast, just to penalise him for failing in his duties +as host during my unavoidable--" + +"Quite impossible," she said. "He has already eaten it." + +"He has?" + +"At half-past six, I believe. He announced at that ungodly hour that +if he couldn't have his coffee the first thing in the morning he would +be in for a headache all day. He suggested that I take a little nap +and have breakfast with you--if you succeeded in surviving the night." + +"Oh, I see," said I slowly. "He knew all the time that you were napping +in that chair, eh?" + +"You shall not scold him!" + +"I shall do even worse than that. I shall pension him for life." + +She appeared thoughtful. A little frown' of annoyance clouded her brow. + +"He promised faithfully to arouse me the instant you were sighted on +the opposite side of the river. I made him stand in the window with +a field glass. No, on second thought, _I_ shall scold him. If he had +come to the door and shouted, you wouldn't have caught me in this odious +dressing-gown. Helene--" + +"It is most fascinating," I cried. "Adorable! I love flimsy, pink +things. They're so intimate. And Poopendyke knows it, bless his +ingenuous old soul." + +I surprised a queer little gleam of inquiry in her eyes. It flickered +for a second and died out. + +"Do you really consider him an ingenuous old soul?" she asked. And I +thought there was something rather metallic in her voice. I might have +replied with intelligence if she had given me a chance, but for some +reason she chose to drop the subject. "You _must_ be famished, and I am +dying to hear about your experiences. You must not omit a single detail. +I--" + +There came a gentle, discreet knocking on the half-open door. I started, +somewhat guiltily. + +"Come!" + +Blatchford poked his irreproachable visage through the aperture and +then gravely swung the door wide open. + +"Breakfast is served, sir,--your ladyship. I beg pardon." + +I have never seen him stand so faultlessly rigid. As we passed him on +the way out a mean desire came over me to tread on his toes, just as +an experiment. I wondered if he would change expression. But somehow +I felt that he would say "Thank you, sir," and there would be no +satisfaction in knowing that he had had all his pains for nothing. + +I shall never forget that enchanted breakfast--never! Not that I can +recall even vaguely what we had to eat, or who served it, or how much +of the naked truth I related to her in describing the events of the +night; I can only declare that it was a singularly light-hearted affair. + +At half-past one o'clock I was received by Mrs. Titus in my own study. +The Countess came down from her eerie abode to officiate at the +ceremonious function--if it may be so styled--and I was agreeably +surprised to find my new guest in a most amiable frame of mind. True, +she looked me over with what seemed to me an unnecessarily and perfectly +frank stare of curiosity, but, on sober reflection, I did not hold it +against her. I was still draped in Poopendyke's garments. + +At first sight I suppose she couldn't quite help putting me down as +one of those literary freaks who typify intellect without intelligence. + +As for her two sons, they made no effort to disguise their amazement. +(I have a shocking notion that the vowel u might be substituted for +the a in that word without loss of integrity!) + +The elder of the two young men, Colingraft Titus, who being in the +business with his father in New York was permitted to travel most of +the time so that he couldn't interfere with it, was taller than I, and +an extremely handsome chap to boot. He was twenty-six. The younger, +Jasper, Jr., was nineteen, short and slight of build, with the merriest +eyes I've ever seen. I didn't in the least mind the grin he bestowed +upon me--and preserved with staunch fidelity throughout the whole +interview,--but I resented the supercilious, lordly scorn of his elder +brother. + +Jasper, I learned, was enduring a protracted leave of absence from +Yale; the hiatus between his freshman and sophomore years already +covered a period of sixteen months, and he had a tutor who appreciated +the buttery side of his crust. + +Mrs. Titus, after thanking me warmly--and I think sincerely--for all +that I had done for Aline, apologised in a perfunctory sort of way for +having kept me out of my bed all night, and hoped that I wouldn't catch +cold or have an attack of rheumatism. + +I soon awoke to the fact that she was in the habit of centralising +attention. The usually volatile Countess became subdued and repressed +in her presence; the big son and the little one were respectfully +quiescent; I confess to a certain embarrassment myself. + +She was a handsome woman with a young figure, a good complexion, clear +eyes, wavy brown hair, and a rich, low voice perfectly modulated. No +doubt she was nearing fifty but thirty-five would have been your guess, +provided you were a bachelor. A bachelor learns something about women +every day of his life, but not so much that he cannot be surprised the +day after. + +I endeavoured to set her mind at rest by politely reminding her that +I couldn't have slept in the bed any way, having been out all night, +and she smilingly assured me that it was a relief to find a literary +man who wasn't forever saying flat stupid things. + +I took them over the castle--that is, a _part_ of the castle. Mrs. Titus +wouldn't climb stairs. She confessed to banting, but drew the line at +anything more exhausting. I fear I was too palpably relieved when she +declined to go higher than the second story. + +"It isn't necessary, Mr. Smart," she said sweetly, "to go into the +history of the wretched Rothhoefens, as a Cook's interpreter might do. +You see, I know the castle quite well--and I have had all the _late_ +news from my daughter." + +"Of course!" I agreed. "Stupid of me not to remember that you are +descended from--" + +"Mother isn't half as stuck up about it as you might think, Mr. Smart," +interrupted Jasper, Jr., glibly. "She prefers to let people think her +ancestors were Dutch instead of merely German. Dutch ancestors are the +proper thing in Jew York." + +"Jappie," said his mother severely, "how often must I caution you not +to speak of New York as Jew York? Some day you will say it to a Jew. +One can't be too careful. Heaven alone knows when one is in the presence +of a Jew in these days." + +"Oh, I'm not Hebraic," said I quickly. "My ancestors _were_ Dutch. They +came over with the original skin grafters." + +She looked puzzled for a moment. The Countess laughed. Then Jasper saw +the point. Colingraft was the last to see it, and then it was too late +for him to smile. + +We had tea in the loggia and I dined with the family in the Countess's +apartment at eight that night. I think Mrs. Titus was rather favourably +impressed when she beheld me in my own raiment. Britton had smoothed +out my evening clothes until they almost shone, and I managed to carry +myself with unusual buoyancy. + +Everything went very well that evening. We were all in fine humour and +the dinner was an excellent one. I perpetrated but one unhappy blunder. +I asked Mrs. Titus if she knew the Riley-Werkheimers and the +Rocks-worths in New York. + +"Visually," she said succinctly, and I made haste to change the subject. +The Countess looked amused, and Colingraft said something about it +being more than likely that we did not have any mutual acquaintances +in New York. His sister came to my rescue with a very amusing and +exaggerated account of my experience with the Riley-Werkheimers and +Rocksworths. Jasper was enthusiastic. Something told me that I was +going to like him. + +My real troubles began the next day--and at the rather unseemly hour +of eight o'clock in the morning. Colingraft came down the hall in a +bath-gown and slippers, banged on my bedroom door, and wanted to know +why the devil he couldn't have hot water for his bath. He was too +full-blooded, and all that sort of thing, he said, to take a cold +plunge. Moreover, he wasn't used to taking his tub in a tin-cup. (That +was his sarcastic way of referring to my portable, handy bath-tub.) +I asked him why he didn't ring for Britton, and he said he did but +that Britton was assisting Jasper in a wild chase for a bat which had +got into the lad's room during the night. + +"Thank your lucky stars it didn't get into Mother's room," he said +surlily. I silently thanked them. + +He made such a row about his tub that I had to give him the pail of +hot water Britton had placed in my bedroom, preparatory to my own bath. + +At breakfast Jasper complained about the bats. He couldn't for the +life of him see why I didn't have screens in the windows. + +Later on Mrs. Titus, who had coffee and toast in her room, joined us +in the loggia and announced that the coffee was stone cold. Moreover, +she did not like the guest-chamber into which she had been moved by +order of the Countess. It was too huge for a bed-chamber, and the iron +window shutters creaked all night long. + +"But don't you love the view you have of the Danube?" I queried, rather +mournfully. + +"I don't sit in the window all night, Mr. Smart," she said tartly. + +I at once insisted on her resuming possession of my bedroom, and +promptly had all of my things moved into the one she had occupied +during the night. When the Countess heard of this arrangement she was +most indignant. She got me off in a corner and cruelly informed me +that I hadn't the vestige of a backbone. She must have said something +to her mother, too, for when evening came around I had to move back +into my own room, Mrs. Titus sweetly assuring me that under no +consideration would she consent to impose upon my good nature and +hospitality to such an extent, etc., etc. + +During the day, at odd times, Colingraft made lofty suggestions in +regard to what could be done with the place to make it more or less +inhabitable, and Jasper,--who, by the way, I was beginning to fear +I should not like after all,--said he'd just like to have a whack at +the thing himself. First thing he'd do would be to turn some of those +old, unused rooms into squash and racquet courts, and he'd also put +in a swimming-pool and a hot-water plant. + +Late in the afternoon, I stole far up into the eastern tower to visit +my adorable friend Rosemary. We played house together on the nursery +floor and I soon got over my feeling of depression. But even in play +I was made to realise that I was not the master of the house. She ruled +me with the utmost despotism, but I didn't mind. She permitted me to +sip honey from that cunning place in her little neck and managed to +call me Unko. My heart grew warm and soft again under the spell of her. + +The Countess watched us at play from her seat by the window. She was +strangely still and pensive. I had the feeling that she was watching +me all the time, and that there was a shadow of anxiety in her lovely +eyes. She smiled at our pranks, and yet there was something sad in the +smile. + +I was young again with Rosemary, and full of glee. She took me out of +myself. I forgot the three Tituses and with them many of my woes. Here +was a cure for the blues: this gay little kiddie of the unspeakable +Tarnowsy! + +I lay awake for hours that night, but when I finally went to sleep +and heaven knows I needed it!--it was with the soporific resolution +to put my house rigidly in order the very next day. I would be polite +about it, but very firm. The Titus family (omitting the Countess and +Rosemary) was to be favoured with an ultimatum from which there could +be no appeal. John Bellamy Smart had decided--with Morpheus smoothing +out the wrinkles of perplexity--that he would be master in his own +house. + +My high resolve flattened itself out a little after the sound sleep +I had, and I make no doubt I should have wavered sadly in my purpose +had not a crisis arisen to shape my courage for me in a rather emphatic +way. + +Shortly after breakfast Mrs. Titus came downstairs very smartly gowned +for the street. She announced that she was going into the town for an +hour or two and asked me to have one of the Schmicks ferry her across +the river. There was a famous antique shop there--memory of other +days--and she wanted to browse a while in search of brasses and bronzes. + +I looked at her, aghast. I recognised the crisis, but for a moment was +unable to marshal my powers of resistance. Noting my consternation, +she calmly assured me that there wouldn't be the least danger of +detection, as she was going to be heavily veiled and _very_ cautious. + +"My dear Mrs. Titus," I murmured in my dismay, "it isn't to be +considered. I am sure you won't persist in this when I tell you that +Tarnowsy's agents are sure to see you and--" + +She laughed. "Tarnowsy's agents! Why should they be here?" + +"They seem to be everywhere." + +"I can assure you there is none within fifty miles of Schloss +Rothhoefen. Our men are in the city. Four of them preceded me. This +morning I had Mr. Bangs telephone to the hotel where the chief operative +is staying--in the guise of an American tourist, and he does it very +cleverly for an Englishman, too,--and he assures me that there is +absolutely no danger. Even Mr. Bangs is satisfied." + +"I am forced to say that I am by no means satisfied that it is a safe +or wise thing to do, Mrs. Titus," I said, with more firmness than I +thought I possessed. + +She raised her delicate eyebrows in a most exasperating well-bred, +admonitory way. + +"I am quite sure, Mr. Smart, that Dillingham is a perfectly trustworthy +detective, and--" + +"But why take the slightest risk?" + +"It is necessary for me to see Dillingham, that is the long and short +of it," she said coldly. "One can't discuss things over a telephone, +you know. Mr. Bangs understands. And, by the way, Mr. Smart, I have +taken the liberty of calling up the central office of the telephone +company to ask if they can run an extension wire to my dressing-room. +I hope you do not mind." + +"Not in the least. I should have thought of it myself." + +"You have so much to think of, poor man. And now will you be good +enough to have Hawkes order the man to row me across the--" + +"I am very sorry, Mrs. Titus," said I firmly, "but I fear I must declare +myself. I cannot permit you to go into the town to-day." + +She was thunderstruck. "Are you in earnest?" she cried, after searching +my face rather intently for a moment. + +"Unhappily, yes. Will you let me explain--" + +"The _idea!_" she exclaimed as she drew herself to her full height and +withered me with a look of surpassing scorn. "Am I to regard myself as a +prisoner, Mr. Smart?" + +"Oh, I beg of you, Mrs. Titus--" I began miserably. + +"Please answer my question." + +Her tone cut me like the lash of a whip. My choler rose. + +"I do not choose to regard myself as a jailer. My only object in +opposing this--" + +"I have never known anything so absurd." Two bright red spots appeared +in her cheeks. "Your attitude is most extraordinary. However, I shall +go to the city this morning, Mr. Smart. Pray give me the credit of +having sense enough to--Ah, Colingraft." + +The two sons approached from the breakfast-room, where they had been +enjoying a ten o'clock chop. Colingraft, noting his mother's attire, +accelerated his speed and was soon beside us. + +"Going out, Mother?" he enquired, flicking the ash from his cigarette. + +"If Mr. Smart will be good enough to withdraw his opposition," she +said icily. + +He gave me a sharp look. "What's up?" + +"Mrs. Titus doesn't seem to realise the risk she runs in--" + +"Risk? Do you suppose, Mr. Smart, I would jeopardise my daughter's--" + +"What's up?" repeated Colingraft insistently. + +"Mr. Smart calmly informs me that I am not to go into the city." + +"I don't see that Mr. Smart has anything to say about it," said her +son coolly. "If he--" He paused, glaring. + +I looked him squarely in the eye. If he had possessed the acumen of +a pollywog he would have seen that my Dutch was up. + +"One moment, Mr. Titus," I said, setting my jaw. "I have this to say +about it. You are guests in my house. We are jointly interested in the +effort to protect the Countess Tarnowsy. I consider it to be the height +of imprudence for any member of your family to venture into the city, +now or at any time during her stay in this castle. I happen to know +that Tarnowsy is having me watched for some purpose or other. I don't +think he suspects that the Countess is here, but I greatly fear that +he believes I am interested in her cause. He suspects _me_. You have +heard of our recent encounter. He knows my position pretty well by this +time. Mrs. Titus says that the man Dillingham assures her there is no +danger. Well, I can only say that Dillingham is a fool, and I don't +purpose having my own safety threatened by--" + +"Your safety?" exclaimed he. "I like that! What have you got to be +afraid of?" + +"You seem to forget that I am harbouring a fugitive from justice," I +said flatly. + +Mrs. Titus gasped. "How dare you--" "The Countess Tarnowsy is wanted +by the authorities for kidnapping, and I think you know the facts quite +as well as I do," I went on harshly. "God knows I am doing my best to +protect her. I am risking more than you seem to appreciate. If she is +found here, my position isn't likely to be an enviable one. I am not +thinking solely of myself, believe me, but after all I contend that +I have a right to assert myself in a crisis that may affect me vitally. +I trust you will see my position and act accordingly,--with +consideration, if nothing else." + +Mrs. Titus did not take her eyes off mine while I was speaking. There +was an expression of utter amazement in them. No one had ever opposed +her before in just this way, I gathered. She didn't know what to make +of it. + +"I fear you exaggerate the extent of your peril, Mr. Smart," she said +drily. "Of course, I have no desire to put you in jeopardy, but it +seems to me--" + +"Leaving me out of the case altogether, don't you think it is a bit +unfair to the Countess?" I asked in some heat. "She doesn't want to +go to jail." + +"Jail?" she cried angrily. + +"That's no way to speak about--" began Colingraft furiously. + +I broke in rashly. "If you please, Mr. Titus, be good enough to keep +your temper. I have no desire to appear harsh and arbitrary, but I can +see that it is necessary to speak plainly. There isn't anything in the +world I will not do to help you and the Countess in this unfortunate +business, Mrs. Titus. I hope you believe me when I say as much. I am +her friend; I want to be yours if you will let me. But I reserve the +right to say what shall be and what shall not be done as long as you +are under my roof. Just a moment, Mr. Titus! I think we are quite +agreed that your sister is to depart from here on the fourteenth of +the month. I am to be her escort, so to speak, for a considerable +distance, in company with Mr. Bangs. Well, it must be clearly understood +that not one of you is to show his or her face outside these walls +until after that journey is over. That's plain-speaking, isn't it?" + +"I shall go where I please, and I'll go to the town to-day--" roared +Colingraft, getting no farther for the reason that his mother, seeing +that I was desperately in earnest, gave vent to a little cry of alarm +and clutched her big son by the shoulder. She begged him to listen to +reason! + +"Reason!" he gasped. + +"If you--or any of you--put a foot outside these walls," I declared, +"you will not be allowed to re-enter. That's flat!" + +"By cricky!" fell in fervent admiration from the lips of Jasper, Jr. +I glanced at his beaming, astonished face. He positively was grinning! +"Good for you! You're a wonder, Mr. Smart! By cricky! And you're _dead +right_. We're darn fools!" + +"Jasper!" gasped Mrs. Titus. + +"Good for you, Jasper!" I cried warmly, and took the hand he proffered. + +"Colingraft, please take me to my room," murmured the mother. "I--I +feel faint. Send for Aline. Ask Mr. Bangs to come to me at once." + +I bowed stiffly. "I am sorry, Mrs. Titus, to have been so harsh, so +assertive--" + +She held up both hands. "I never was so spoken to in all my life, Mr. +Smart. I shall not forget it to my dying day." + +She walked away from me, her pretty head held high and her chin +suspiciously aquiver. Colingraft hastened after her, but not without +giving me a stare in which rage and wonder struggled for the mastery. + +I ran my hand over my moist brow. + +"Gee!" said Jasper, Jr. "You've corked her all right, all right." He +followed me into the study and I couldn't get rid of him for hours. + +Later in the forenoon the Countess, with a queer little smile on her +lips, told me that her mother considered me the most wonderful, the +most forceful character she had ever encountered. I brightened up at +that. + +But Colingraft was not yet through with me. + + + +CHAPTER XVII + +I SEE TO THE BOTTOM OF THINGS + +He sought me out just before luncheon. I was in the courtyard, listening +patiently to Jasper Jr.'s theories and suggestions concerning the +restoration of the entire facade of the castle, and what he'd do if +he were in my place. Strange to say, I was considerably entertained; +he was not at all offensive; on the contrary, he offered his ideas in +a pleasantly ingenuous way, always supplementing them with some such +salve as: "Don't you think so, Mr. Smart?" or "I'm sure you have thought +of it yourself," or "Isn't that your idea, too?" or "You've done wonders +with the joint, old man." + +Colingraft came directly up to where we were standing. There was trouble +in his eye. + +"See here, Mr. Smart," he began austerely. "I've got something to say +to you, and I'm not the sort to put it off. I appreciate what you've +done for Aline and all that sort of thing, but your manner to-day has +been intolerable, and we've got to come to an understanding." + +I eyed him closely. "I suppose you're about to suggest that one or the +other of us must--evacuate--get out, so to speak," said I. + +"Don't talk rubbish. You've got my mother bawling her eyes out upstairs, +and wishing she were dead. You've got to come off this high horse of +yours. You've got to apologise to her, and damned quick, at that. +Understand?" + +"Nothing will give me greater joy than to offer her my most abject +apology, Mr. Titus, unless it would be her unqualified forgiveness." + +"You'll have to withdraw everything you said." + +"I'll withdraw everything except my ultimatum in respect to her putting +a foot outside these walls. That still stands." + +"I beg to differ with you." + +"You may beg till you're black in the face," said I coolly. + +He swallowed hard. His face twitched, and his hands were clenched. + +"You are pretty much of a mucker, Mr. Smart," he said, between his +teeth. "I'm sorry my sister has fallen into your hands. The worst of +it is, she seems satisfied with everything you do. Good Lord! What she +can see in you is beyond my comprehension. Protection! Why you couldn't +protect her from the assault of a chicken." + +"Are you trying to insult me, Mr. Titus?" + +"You couldn't resent it if I were. There never was an author with +enough moral backbone to--" + +"Wait! You are her brother. I don't want to have trouble with you. But +if you keep on in this strain, Mr. Titus, I shall be compelled to +thresh you soundly." + +He fairly gasped. "Th--thresh me!" he choked out. Then he advanced. + +Much to his surprise--and, strangely enough, not to my own--I failed +to retreat. Instead, I extended my left fist with considerable +abruptness and precision and he landed on his back. + +I experienced a sensation of unholy joy. Up to that moment I had +wondered whether I could do it with my left hand. + +I looked at Jasper, Jr. He was staring at me in utter bewilderment. + +"Good Lord! You--you've knocked him down!" + +"I didn't think I could do it," said I hazily. + +He sprang to his brother's side, and assisted him to a sitting posture. + +"Right to the jaw," shouted Jasper, with a strange enthusiasm. + +"Left," I corrected him. + +Colingraft gazed about him in a stupid, vacant fashion for a moment, +and then allowed his glazed eyes to rest upon me. He sat rather limply, +I thought. + +"Are you hurt, Colly?" cried Jasper, Jr. + +A sickly grin, more of surprise than shame, stole over Colingraft's +face. He put his hand to his jaw; then to the back of his head. + +"By Jove!" he murmured. "I--I didn't think he had it in him. Let me +get up!" + +Jasper, Jr. was discreet. "Better let well enough alone, old--" + +"I intend to," said Colingraft, as he struggled to his feet. + +For a moment he faced me, uncertainly. + +"I'm sorry, Mr. Titus," said I calmly. + +"You--you are a wonder!" fell from his lips. "I'm not a coward, Mr. +Smart. I've boxed a good deal in my time, but--by Jove, I never had +a jolt like that." + +He turned abruptly and left us. We followed him slowly toward the +steps. At the bottom he stopped and faced me again. + +"You're a better man than I thought," he said. "If you'll bury the +hatchet, so will I. I take back what I said to you, not because I'm +afraid of you, but because I respect you. What say? Will you shake +hands?" + +[Illustration: Up to that moment I had wondered whether I could do it +with my left hand.] + +The surly, arrogant expression was gone from his face. In its place +was a puzzled, somewhat inquiring look. + +"No hard feeling on my part," I cried gladly. We shook hands. Jasper, +Jr. slapped me on the back. "It's a most distressing, atavistic habit +I'm getting into, knocking people down without rhyme or reason." + +"I daresay you had reason," muttered Colingraft. "I got what was coming +to me." An eager light crept into his handsome eyes. "By Jove, we can +get in some corking work with the gloves while I'm here. I box quite +a bit at home, and I miss it travelling about like this. What say to +a half-hour or so every day? I have the gloves in one of my trunks. +I'm getting horribly seedy. I need stirring up." + +"Charmed, I'm sure," I said, assuming an enthusiasm I did not feel. +Put on the gloves with this strapping, skillful boxer? Not I! I was +firmly resolved to stop while my record was good. In a scientific clash +with the gloves he would soon find out what a miserable duffer I was. + +"And Jappy, here, is no slouch. He's as shifty as the dickens." + +"The shiftier the better," said I, with great aplomb. Jasper, Jr., +stuck out his chest modestly, and said: "Oh, piffle, Colly." But just +the same I hadn't the least doubt in my mind that Jasper could "put +it all over me." It was a rather sickening admission, though strictly +private. + +We made our way to my study, where I mildly suggested that we refrain +from mentioning our little encounter to Mrs. Titus or the Countess. +I thought Colingraft was especially pleased with the idea. We swore +secrecy. + +"I've always been regarded as a peaceful, harmless grub," I explained, +still somewhat bewildered by the feat I had performed, and considerably +shaken by the fear that I was degenerating into a positive ruffian. +"You will believe me, I hope, when I declare that I was merely acting +in self-defence when I--" + +He actually laughed. "Don't apologise." He could not resist the impulse +to blurt out once more: "By Jove, I didn't think you could do it." + +"With my left hand, too," I said wonderingly. Catching myself up, I +hastily changed the subject. + +A little later on, as Colingraft left the room, slyly feeling of his +jaw, Jasper, Jr. whispered to me excitedly: "You've got him eating out +of your hand, old top." + +Things were coming to a pretty pass, said I to myself when I was all +alone. It certainly is a pretty pass when one knocks down the ex-husband +and the brother of the woman he loves, and quite without the least +suspicion of an inherited pugnacity. + +I had a little note from the Countess that afternoon, ceremoniously +delivered by Helene Marie Louise Antoinette. It read as follows: + +"You did Colingraft a very good turn when you laid him low this morning. +He is tiresomely interested in his prowess as a box-maker, or a boxster, +or whatever it is in athletic parlance. He has been like a lamb all +afternoon and he really can't get over the way you whacked him. (Is +whack the word?) At first he was as mum as could be about it, but I +think he really felt relieved when I told him I had seen the whole +affair from a window in my hall. You see it gave him a chance to explain +how you got in the whack, and I have been obliged to listen to +intermittent lectures on the manly art of self-defence all afternoon, +first from him, then from Jappy. I have a headache, and no means of +defence. He admits that he deserved it, but I am not surprised. Colly +is a sporting chap. He hasn't a mean drop of blood in his body. You +have made a friend of him. So please don't feel that I hold a grudge +against you for what you did. The funny part of it all is that mamma +quite agrees with him. She says he deserved it! Mamma is wonderful, +really, when it comes to a pinch. She has given up all thought of +'putting a foot outside the castle.' Can you have luncheon with us +to-morrow? Would it be too much trouble if we were to have it in the +loggia? I am just mad to get out-of-doors if only for an hour or two +in that walled-in spot. Mr. Poopendyke has been perfectly lovely. He +came up this morning to tell me that you haven't sneezed at all and +there isn't the remotest chance now that you will have a cold. It seems +he was afraid you might. You must have a very rugged constitution. +Britton told Blake that most men would have died from exposure if they +had been put in your place. How good you are to me. + +"ALINE T." + +"P. S.--I may come down to see you this evening." + + * * * * * * * + +I shall skip over the rather uninteresting events of the next two or +three days. Nothing of consequence happened, unless you are willing +to consider important two perfectly blissful nights of sleep on my +part. Also, I had the pleasure of taking the Countess "out walking" +in my courtyard, to use a colloquialism: once in the warm, sweet +sunshine, again 'neath the glow of a radiant moon. She had not been +outside the castle walls, literally, in more than five weeks, and the +colour leaped back into her cheeks with a rush that delighted me. I +may mention in passing that I paid particular attention to her +suggestion concerning my dilapidated, gone-to-seed garden, although +I had been bored to extinction by Jasper, Jr. when he undertook to +enlighten me horticulturally. She agreed to come forth every day and +assist me in building the poor thing up; propping it, so to speak. + +As for Mrs. Titus, that really engaging lady made life so easy for me +that I wondered why I had ever been apprehensive. She was quite +wonderful when "it came to a pinch." I began to understand a good many +things about her, chief among them being her unvoiced theories on +matrimony. While she did not actually commit herself, I had no +difficulty in ascertaining that, from her point of view, marriages are +not made in heaven, and that a properly arranged divorce is a great +deal less terrestrial than it is commonly supposed to be. She believed +in matrimony as a trial and divorce as a reward, or something to that +effect. + +My opinion seemed to carry considerable weight with her. For a day or +two after our somewhat sanguinary encounter, she was prone to +start--even to jump slightly--when I addressed myself to her with +unintentional directness. She soon got over that, however. + +We were discussing Aline's unfortunate venture into the state of +matrimony and I, feeling temporarily august and superior, managed to +say the wrong thing and in doing so put myself in a position from which +I could not recede without loss of dignity. If my memory serves me +correctly I remarked, with some asperity, that marriages of that kind +never turned out well for any one except the bridegroom. + +She looked at me coldly. "I am afraid, Mr. Smart, that you have been +putting some very bad notions into my daughter's head," she said. + +"Bad notions?" I murmured. + +"She has developed certain pronounced and rather extraordinary views +concerning the nobility as the result of your--ah--argument, I may +say." + +"I'm very sorry. I know one or two exceedingly nice noblemen, and I've +no doubt there are a great many more. She must have misunderstood me. +I wasn't running down the nobility, Mrs. Titus. I was merely questioning +the advisability of elevating it in the way we Americans sometimes do." + +"You did not put it so adroitly in discussing the practice with Aline," +she said quickly. "Granted that her own marriage was a mistake,--a +dreadful mistake,--it does not follow that all international matches +are failures. I would just as soon be unhappily married to a duke as +to a dry-goods merchant, Mr. Smart." + +"But not at the same price, Mrs. Titus," I remarked. + +She smiled. "A husband is dear at any price." + +"I shouldn't put it just that way," I protested. "A good American +husband is a necessity, not a luxury." + +"Well, to go back to what I started to say, Aline is very bitter about +matrimony as viewed from my point of view. I am sorry to say I attribute +her attitude to your excellent counselling." + +"You flatter me. I was under the impression she took her lessons of +Tarnowsy." + +"Granted. But Tarnowsy was unfit. Why tar all of them with the same +stick? There are good noblemen, you'll admit." + +"But they don't need rehabilitation." + +"Aline, I fear, will never risk another experiment. It's rather +calamitous, isn't it? When one stops to consider her youth, beauty and +all the happiness there may be--" + +"I beg your pardon, Mrs. Titus, but I think your fears are groundless." + +"What do you mean?" + +"The Countess will marry again. I am not betraying a secret, because +she has intimated as much to my secretary as well as to me. I take it +that as soon as this unhappy affair is settled, she will be free to +reveal the true state of her feelings toward--" I stopped, somewhat +dismayed by my garrulous turn. + +"Toward whom?" she fairly snapped. + +"I don't know," I replied truthfully--and, I fear, lugubriously. + +"Good heaven!" she cried, starting up from the bench on which we were +sitting in the loggia. There was a queer expression in her eyes. +"Hasn't--hasn't she ever hinted at--hasn't she mentioned any one at +all?" + +"Not to me." + +Mrs. Titus was agitated, I could see that very plainly. A thoughtful +frown appeared on her smooth brow, and a gleam of anxiety sprang into +her eyes. + +"I am sure that she has had no opportunity to--" She did not complete +the sentence, in which there was a primary note of perplexity and +wonder. + +It grilled me to discover that she did not even so much as take me +into consideration. + +"You mean since the--er--divorce?" I inquired. + +"She has been in seclusion all of the time. She has seen no man,--that +is to say, no man for whom she could possibly entertain a--But, of +course, you are mistaken in your impression, Mr. Smart. There is +absolutely nothing in what you say." + +"A former sweetheart, antedating her marriage," I suggested hopelessly. + +"She has no sweetheart. Of that I am positive," said she with +conviction. + +"She must have had an army of admirers. They were legion after her +marriage, I may be pardoned for reminding you." + +She started. "Has she never mentioned Lord Amberdale to you?" she +asked. + +"Amberdale?" I repeated, with a queer sinking of the heart. "No, Mrs. +Titus. An Englishman?" + +She was mistress of herself once more. In a very degage manner she +informed me that his lordship, a most attractive and honourable young +Englishman, had been one of Aline's warmest friends at the time of the +divorce proceedings. But, of course, there was nothing in that! They +had been good friends for years, nothing more, and he was a perfect +dear. + +But she couldn't fool me. I could see that there was something working +at the back of her mind, but whether she was distressed or gratified +I was not by way of knowing. + +"I've never heard her mention Lord Amberdale," said I. + +Her eyes narrowed slightly. Had I but known, the mere fact that the +Countess had not spoken of his lordship provided her experienced mother +with an excellent reason for believing that there was something between +them. She abruptly brought the conversation to a close and left me, +saying that she was off for her beauty nap. + +Alone, I soon became a prey to certain disquieting thoughts. Summed +up, they resolved themselves into a condition of certainty which +admitted of but one aspect: the charming Countess was in love with +Amberdale. And the shocking part of it all was that she was in love +with him prior to her separation from Tarnowsy! I felt a cold +perspiration start out all over my body as this condition forced itself +upon me. _He_ was the man; _he_ had been the man from the beginning. My +heart was like lead for the rest of the day, and, very curiously, for a +leaden thing it was subject to pain. + +Just before dinner, Britton, after inspecting me out of the corner of +his eye for some time, advised me to try a little brandy. + +"You look seedy, sir," he said with concern in his voice. "A cold +setting in perhaps, sir." + +I tried the brandy, but not because I thought I was taking a cold. +Somehow it warmed me up. There is virtue in good spirits. + +The Countess was abroad very early the next morning. I discovered her +in the courtyard, giving directions to Max and Rudolph who were doing +some spading in the garden. She looked very bright and fresh and +enticing in the light of an early moon, and I was not only pleased but +astonished, having been led to believe all my life that a woman, no +matter how pretty she may be, appears at her worst when the day is +young. + +I joined her at once. She gave me a gay, accusing smile. + +"What have you been saying to mother?" she demanded, as she shook hands +with me. "I thought you were to be trusted." + +I flushed uncomfortably. "I'm sorry, Countess. I--I didn't know it was +a secret." + +She looked at me somewhat quizzically for a moment. Then she laughed +softly. "It is a secret." + +"I hope I haven't got you into bad odour with your--" + +"Oh, dear me, no! I'm not in the least worried over what mother may +think. I shall do as I please, so there's the end of it." + +I swallowed something that seemed to be sticking in my throat. "Then +it is true that you are going to marry?" + +"Quite," she said succinctly. + +I was silent for a moment. "Well, I'm--I'm glad to know it in time," +I said, rather more gruffly than was necessary. + +She smiled too merrily, I thought. "You must not tell any one else +about it, however." + +"I can promise that," I said, a sullen rage in my soul. "Devils could +not drag it out of me. Rest easy." + +It occurred to me afterwards that she laughed rather jerkily, you might +say uneasily. At any rate, she turned away and began speaking to Max. + +"Have you had your breakfast?" I asked stupidly. + +"No." + +"Neither have I. Will you join me?" + +"Isn't it getting to be a habit?" + +"Breakfast or--you?" + +"Breakfast _and_ me." + +"I confess, my dear Countess, that I like you for breakfast," I said +gallantly. + +"That is a real tribute," she said demurely, and took her place beside +me. Together we crossed the courtyard. + +On the steps Colingraft Titus was standing. I uttered an audible groan +and winced as if in dire pain. + +"What is it?" she cried quickly. + +"Rheumatism," I announced, carefully raising my right arm and affecting +an expression of torture. I am not a physical coward, kind reader. The +fact that young Mr. Titus carried in his hands a set of formidable +looking boxing-gloves did not frighten me. Heaven knows, if it would +give him any pleasure to slam me about with a pair of gloves, I am not +without manliness and pluck enough to endure physical pain and mental +humiliation. It was diplomacy, cunning, astuteness,--whatever you may +choose to call it,--that stood between me and a friendly encounter +with him. Two minutes' time would serve to convince him that he was +my master, and then where would I be? Where would be the prestige I +had gained? Where my record as a conqueror? "I must have caught cold +in my arms and shoulders," I went on, making worse faces than before +as I moved the afflicted parts experimentally. + +"There!" she exclaimed ruefully. "I _knew_ you would catch cold. Men +always do. I'm so sorry." + +"It's nothing," I made haste to explain:--"that is, nothing serious. +I'll get rid of it in no time at all." I calculated for a minute. "A +week or ten days at the most. Good morning, Colingraft." + +"Morning. Hello, sis. Well?" He dangled the gloves before my eyes. + +My disappointment was quite pathetic. "Tell him," I said to the +Countess. + +"He's all crippled up with rheumatism, Colly," she said. "Put those +ugly things away. We're going in to breakfast." + +He tossed the gloves into a corner of the vestibule. I felt a little +ashamed of my subterfuge in the face of his earnest expression of +concern. + +"Tell you what I'll do," he said warmly. "I know how to rub a fellow's +muscles--" + +"Oh, I have a treasure in Britten," said I, hastily. "Thanks, old man. +He will work it out of me. Sorry we can't have a go this morning." + +The worst of it all was that he insisted, as a matter of personal +education, on coming to my room after breakfast to watch the expert +manoeuvres of Britton in kneading the stiffness out of my muscles. He +was looking for new ideas, he explained. I first consulted Britton and +then resignedly consented to the demonstration. + +To my surprise, Britton was something of an expert. I confess that he +almost killed me with those strong, iron-like hands of his; if I was +not sore when he began with me, I certainly was when he finished. +Colingraft was most enthusiastic. He said he'd never seen any one +manipulate the muscles so scientifically as Britton, and ventured the +opinion that he would not have to repeat the operation often. To myself +I said that he wouldn't have to repeat it at all. + +We began laying our plans for the fourteenth. Communications arrived +from Italy, addressed to me but intended for either the Countess or +the rather remote Mr. Bangs, who seemed better qualified to efface +himself than any human being I've ever seen. These letters informed +us that a yacht--one of three now cruising in the-Mediterranean--would +call at an appointed port on such and such a day to take her out to +sea. Everything was being arranged on the outside for her escape from +the continent, and precision seamed to be the watchword. + +Of course I couldn't do a stroke of work on my novel. How could I be +expected to devote myself to fiction when fact was staring me in the +face so engagingly? We led an idle, _dolce far niente_ life in these +days, with an underlying touch of anxiety and excitement that increased +as the day for her departure drew near. I confess to a sickening sense +of depression that could not be shaken off. + +Half of my time was spent in playing with Rosemary. She became dearer +to me with each succeeding day. I knew I should miss her tremendously. +I should even miss Jinko, who didn't like me but who no longer growled +at me. The castle would be a very gloomy, drear place after they were +out of it. I found myself wondering how long I would be able to endure +the loneliness. Secretly I cherished the idea of selling the place if +I could find a lunatic in the market. + +An unexpected diversion came one day when, without warning and +figuratively out of a clear sky, the Hazzards and the Billy Smiths +swooped down upon me. They had come up the river in the power boat for +a final September run, and planned to stop over night with me! + +They were the last people in the world whom I could turn away from my +door. There might have been a chance to put them up for the night and +still avoid disclosures, had not circumstance ordered that the Countess +and I should be working in the garden at the very moment that brought +them pounding at the postern gates. Old Conrad opened the gate in +complete ignorance of our presence in the garden. (We happened to be +in a somewhat obscure nook and seated upon a stone bench--so he must +be held blameless.) The quartette brushed past the old man and I, +hearing their chatter, foolishly exposed myself. + +I shall not attempt to describe the scene that followed their discovery +of the Countess Tarnowsy. Be it said, however, to the credit of Elsie +and Betty Billy, the startled refugee was fairly smothered in kisses +and tears and almost deafened by the shrill, delighted exclamations +that fell from their eager lips. I doubt if there ever was such a +sensation before! + + * * * * * * * + +They brought rather interesting news concerning the Count. It appears +that he and the baron had quarrelled and at the time of my friends' +departure from Vienna it was pretty generally understood that there +would be a duel. + +"I never liked the baron," I said, with a grim smile that could not +have been misinterpreted, "but I hope to heavens _he_ isn't killed." + +Mrs. Titus sighed. "Tarnowsy is regarded as a wonderful marksman." + +"Worse luck!" growled Colingraft, gloomily twiddling his thumbs. + +"What kind of a shot is the baron?" asked Jasper Jr., hopefully. + +No one was able to enlighten him, but Billy Smith shook his head +dolefully. + +"Maris Tarnowsy is a dead shot. He'll pot the baron sure." + +"Hang it all," said I, and then lapsed into a horrified silence. + +When the Hazzards and Smiths departed the next morning they were in +full possession of all of our plans, hopes and secrets, but they were +bound by promises that would have haunted them throughout all eternity +if they allowed them to be violated. I do not recall having seen two +more intensely excited, radiant women in my life than Elsie and Betty +Billy. They were in an ecstatic state of mind. Their husbands, but +little less excited, offered to help us in every way possible, and, +to prove their earnest, turned the prow of the motor-boat down-stream, +abandoning the trip up the river in order to be in Vienna in case I +should need them for any purpose whatsoever. + +"You may rest easy so far as I am concerned, Mrs. Titus," said the +young diplomat. "As a representative of the United States government +I can't become publicly involved in this international muddle. I've +just _got_ to keep my lips sealed. If it were discovered that I knew of +all this, my head would be under the snickersnee in no time at all. +Swish! Officially suicided!" + +At ten o'clock the next morning I was called to the telephone. Smith +had startling news to impart. Count Tarnowsy and Baron Umovitch had +engaged in a duel with pistols at sunrise and the latter had gone down +with a bullet through his lungs! He died an hour later. Tarnowsy, +according to the rumours flying about official Vienna, was already on +his way to Berlin, where he would probably remain in seclusion until +the affair blew over or imperial forgiveness was extended to him. + +There was cause for satisfaction among us, even though the baron had +fallen instead of the count. The sensational affair would serve to +keep Tarnowsy under cover for some weeks at least and minimise the +dangers attending the Countess's flight from the castle. Still, I could +not help feeling disappointed over the outcome of the meeting. Why +couldn't Count Tarnowsy have been the one to fall? + +The Countess, very pale and distrait, gave utterance to her feelings +in a most remarkable speech. She said: "This is one of the few fine +things that Maris has ever done. I am glad that he killed that man. +He should have done so long ago,--the beast! He was--ugh!--the most +despicable creature I've ever known." + +She said no more than this, but one could readily grasp all that she +left unuttered. + +Colingraft rather sententiously remarked to little Rosemary, who could +not have comprehended the words, of course: "Well, little Rosebud, +your papa may be a spendthrift but he never wastes bullets." + +Which was entirely uncalled for, I contend. I was struck by the swift +look of dread that leaped into Aline's eyes and her pallor. + +On top of all this came the astonishing news, by cipher despatch from +old Jasper Titus's principal adviser in London, that his offer of one +million dollars had been declined by Tarnowsy two days before, the +Count having replied through his lawyers that nothing short of two +millions would induce him to relinquish all claims to his child. + +I had been ignorant of this move in the case, and expressed my surprise. + +"I asked father to do it, Mr. Smart," said the Countess dejectedly. +"It seemed the easiest way out of our difficulties--and the cheapest. +He will never give in to this new demand, though. We must make the +best of it." + +"But why did you suggest such a thing to him?" I demanded with heat. + +She looked hurt. "Because _you_ seemed to think it was the right and +honourable thing to do," she said patiently. "I do not forget what you +said to me, days and days ago, even though it may have slipped your +mind. You said that a bargain is a bargain and--well, I had Mr. Bangs +write father just what you thought about it." + +There was a suspicion of tears in her voice as she turned away and +left me without another word. She was quite out of sight around the +bend in the staircase, and her little boots were clattering swiftly +upwards, before I fully grasped the significance of her explanation--or, +I might better say, her reproach. It slowly dawned upon me that +I had said a great many things to her that it would pay me to remember +before questioning her motives in any particular. + +As the day for her departure drew nearer,--it was now but forty-eight +hours away,--her manner seemed to undergo a complete change. She became +moody, nervous, depressed. Of course, all this was attributable to the +dread of discovery and capture when she was once outside the great +walls of Schloss Rothhoefen. I could understand her feelings, and +rather lamely attempted to bolster up her courage by making light of +the supposed perils. + +She looked at me with a certain pathetic sombreness in her eyes that +caused my heart to ache. All of her joyous raillery was gone, all of +her gentle arrogance. Her sole interest in life in these last days +seemed to be of a sacrificial nature. She was sweet and gentle with +every one,--with me in particular, I may say,--and there was something +positively humble in her attitude of self-abnegation. Where she had +once been wilful and ironic, she was now gentle and considerate. Nor +was I the only one to note these subtle changes in her. I doubt, +however, if the others were less puzzled than I. In fact, Mrs. Titus +was palpably perplexed, and there were times when I caught her eyeing +me with distinct disapproval, as if she were seeking in me the cause +of her daughter's weaknesses; as much as to say: "What other nonsense +have you been putting into the poor child's head, you wretch?" + +I went up to have a parting romp with Rosemary on the last night of +her stay with me, to have my last sip of honey from her delectable +neck. The Countess paid but little attention to us. She sat over in +the window and stared out into the dusky shadows of the falling night. +My heart was sore. I was miserable. The last romp! + +Blake finally snatched Rosemary off to bed. It was then that the +Countess aroused herself and came over to me with a sad little smile +on her lips. + +"Good night," she said, rather wistfully, holding out her hand to me. + +I deliberately glanced at my watch. "It's only ten minutes past eight," +I said, reproachfully. + +"I know," she said, quietly. "Good night." + + + +CHAPTER XVIII + +I SPEED THE PARTING GUEST + +Four o'clock in the morning is a graceless hour. Graveyards may yawn +at twelve but even they are content to slumber at four. I don't believe +there is anything so desolate in this world as the mental perspective +one obtains at four o'clock. Tombstones are bright beacons of cheer +as compared to the monumental regret one experiences on getting up to +greet the alleged and vastly over-rated glories of a budding day. The +sunrise is a pall! It is a deadly, dour thing. It may be pink and red +and golden and full of all the splendours of the east, but it is a +resurrection and you can't make anything else out of it. Staying up +till four and then going to bed gives one an idea of the sunrise that +is not supported by the facts; there is but one way to appreciate the +real nature of the hateful thing called dawn, and that is to get up +with it instead of taking it to bed with you. + +Still, I suppose the sun _has_ to come up and perhaps it is just as well +that it does so at an hour when people are least likely to suspect it of +anything so shabby. + +Four o'clock is more than a graceless, sodden hour when it ushers in +a day that you know is to be the unhappiest in your life; when you +know that you are to say farewell forever to the hopes begot and +nurtured in other days; when the one you love smiles and goes away to +smile again but not for you. And that is just what four o'clock on the +morning of the fourteenth of September meant to me. + +Britton and I set forth in the automobile just at the break of dawn, +crossing the river a few miles below the castle, and running back to +a point on the right hand bank where we were to await the arrival +of the boat conveying the Countess and her escort. Her luggage, +carefully disguised as crated merchandise, had gone to Trieste by fast +express a couple of days before, sent in my name and consigned to a +gentleman whose name I do not now recall, but who in reality served +as a sort of middleman in transferring the shipment to the custody of +a certain yacht's commander. + +It was required of me--and of my machine, which is more to the +point--that the distance of one hundred and twenty miles through the +foothills of the Austrian Alps should be covered and the passengers +delivered at a certain railway station fifty miles or more south of +Vienna before ten o'clock that night. There they were to catch a train +for the little seaport on the upper Adriatic, the name of which I was +sworn never to reveal, and, as I have not considered it worth while +to be released from that oath, I am of necessity compelled to omit the +mention of it here. + +Mr. Bangs went on to Vienna the night before our departure, taking +with him Helene Marie Louise Antoinette, a rather shocking arrangement +you would say unless you had come to know the British lawyer as well +as we knew him. They were to proceed by the early morning train to +this obscure seaport. Colingraft Titus elected to accompany his sister +the entire length of the journey, with the faithful Blake and Rosemary. + +Billy Smith was to meet us a few miles outside the town for which we +were bound, with a word of warning if there was anything sinister in +the wind. + +I heard afterwards from Poopendyke that the departure of the Countess +and Rosemary from the castle in the grey; forlorn dawn of that historic +fourteenth was attended by a demonstration of grief on the part of the +four Schmicks that was far beyond his powers of description, and he +possesses a wonderful ability to describe lachrymose situations, rather +running to that style of incident, I may say. The elder Schmicks wailed +and boo-hooed and proclaimed to the topmost turrets that the sun would +never shine again for either of them, and, to prove that she was quite +in earnest about the matter, Gretel fell off the dock into the river +and was nearly drowned before Jasper, Jr., could dive in and get her. +Their sons, both of whom cherished amorous feelings for Blake, sighed +so prodigiously all the way down the river that the boat rocked. +Incidentally, during the excitement, Jinko, who was to remain behind +and journey westward later on with Mrs. Titus and Jasper, Jr., succeeded +after weeks of vain endeavour in smartly nipping the calf of Hawkes' +left leg, a feat of which he no doubt was proud but which sentenced +my impressive butler to an everlasting dread of hydrophobia and a +temporary limp. + +It was nearing five o'clock when the boat slipped into view around the +tree-covered point of land and headed straight for our hiding place +on the bank. + +I shall not stop here to describe the first stage of our journey through +the narrow, rocky by-roads that ended eventually in the broad, alpine +highway south and west of Vienna. Let it be sufficient to say that we +jostled along for twelve or fifteen miles without special incident, +although we were nervously anxious and apprehensive. Our guide book +pointed, or rather twiddled, a route from the river flats into the +hills, where we came up with the main road about eight o'clock. We +were wrapped and goggled to the verge of ludicrousness. It would have +been quite impossible to penetrate our motor-masks and armour, even +for one possessed of a keen and practiced eye. The Countess was heavily +veiled; great goggles bulged beneath the green, gauzy thing that +protected her lovely face from sun, wind and man. A motor coat, two +or three sizes too large, enveloped her slender, graceful figure, and +gauntlets covered her hands. Even Rosemary's tiny face was wrapped in +a silken veil of white. As for the rest of us, we could not have been +mistaken for anything on earth but American automobilists, ruthlessly +inspired to see Europe with the sole view to comparing her roads with +our own at home. You would have said, on seeing us, that we knew a +great deal about roads and very little about home. + +Colingraft and Britton,--the latter at the wheel,--sat in the front +seat, while I shared the broad cushions of the tonneau with the +Countess, part of the time holding Rosemary, who was clamouring for +food, and the rest of the time holding my breath in the fear that we +might slip over a precipice. I am always nervous when not driving the +car myself. + +We stopped for breakfast at a small mountain inn, fifteen miles from +our starting place. The Countess, a faint red spot in each cheek and +a curiously bright, feverish glow in her dark eyes, revealed a tendency +to monopolise the conversation, a condition properly attributed to +nervous excitement. I could see that she was vastly thrilled by the +experiences of the hour; her quick, alert brain was keeping pace with +the rush of blood that stimulated every fibre in her body to new +activities. She talked almost incessantly, and chiefly about matters +entirely foreign to the enterprise in hand. + +The more I see of women, the less I know about them. Why she should +have spent the whole half hour devoted to breakfast to a surprisingly +innocuous dissertation on Schopenhauer and Nietzsche is--or +was--beyond me. + +How was I to know that tears lay close to the surface of those +shimmering, vivacious eyes? How was I to know that sobs took refuge +behind a simulated interest in philosophy? + +We had luncheon picnic fashion half-way to our journey's end, diverging +from the main road to find a secluded spot where we could spread our +cloth and open our hampers without fear of interruption or, to use a +more sinister word, detection. It was rather a jolly affair, that first +and last al fresco banquet of ours under the spreading branches of +mighty trees and beside the trickling waters of a gay little mountain +brook that hurried like mad down to the broad channel of the Danube, +now many miles away. The strain of the first few hours had slackened. +Success seemed assured. We had encountered no difficulties, no dangers +in town or country. No one appeared to be interested in us except +through idle curiosity; villagers and peasants stared at us and grinned; +policemen and soldiers stood aside to let us pass, or gave directions +politely when requested to do so. There were no signs of pursuit, no +indications of trouble ahead. And so we could afford to be gay and +confident at our midday meal in the hills bordering the broad highway. + +We even went so far as to arrange for a jolly reunion in New York City +at no distant day! I remember distinctly that we were to dine at +Sherry's. To me, the day seemed a long way off. + +I suppose, being a writer of fiction, I should be able to supply at +this point in the narrative, a series of thrilling, perhaps hair-raising +encounters with the enemy, in the form of spies, cut-throats, imperial +mercenaries or whatever came handiest to the imagination. It would be +a very simple matter to transform this veracious history into the most +lurid of melodramas by the introduction of the false and bizarre, but +it is not my purpose to do so. I mean to adhere strictly to the truth +and stand by the consequences. Were I inclined to sensationalism it +would be no trouble at all for me to have Tarnowsy's agents shooting +at our tires or gasoline tank from every crag and cranny; or to have +Rosemary kidnapped by aeroplanists supplied with drag-hooks; or to +have the Countess lodged in a village prison from which I should be +obliged to liberate her with battle-axe and six-shooter, my compensation +being a joyous rest in a hospital with the fair Aline nursing me back +to health and strength and cooing fond words in my rapacious ear the +while I reflected on the noble endowments of a nature that heretofore +had been commonplace and meek. But, no! None of these things happened +and I decline to perjure myself for the privilege of getting into the +list of "six best sellers." + +So far as I am able to judge, there was absolutely no heroism displayed +during our flight through the hills and valleys, unless you are willing +to accept as such a single dash of sixty miles an hour which Britton +made in order to avoid a rain-shower that threatened to flank us if +we observed the speed laws. + +But wait! There was an example of bravado on my part that shall not +go unrecorded. I hesitated at first to put it down in writing, but my +sense of honour urges me to confess everything. It happened just after +that memorable picnic luncheon in the shady dell. The Countess, I +maintain, was somewhat to blame for the incident. She suggested that +we,--that is to say, the two of us,--explore the upper recesses of +this picturesque spot while the others were making ready for the +resumption of our journey. + +Shame, contrition, humiliation or whatever you may elect to call it, +forbids a lengthy or even apologetic explanation of what followed her +unfortunate suggestion. I shall get over with it in as few words as +possible. + +In the most obscure spot in all those ancient hills, I succumbed to +an execrable impulse to take her forcibly in my arms and kiss her! I +don't know why I did it, or how, but that is just what happened. My +shame, my horror over the transcendental folly was made almost +unbearable by the way in which she took it. At first I thought she had +swooned, she lay so limp and unresisting in my arms. My only excuse, +whispered penitently in her ear, was that I couldn't help doing what +I had done, and that I deserved to be drawn and quartered for taking +advantage of my superior strength and her gentle forbearance. Strange +to say, she merely looked at me in a sort of dumb wonder and quietly +released herself, still staring at me as if I were the most inexplicable +puzzle in the world. Her cheeks, her throat, her brow grew warm and +pink with a just indignation; her lips parted but she uttered no word. +Then I followed her dejectedly, cravenly back to the roadside and +executed an inward curse that would hang over my miserable head so +long as it was on my shoulders. + +Her vivacity was gone. She shrank down into the corner of the seat, +and, with her back half turned toward me, gazed steadfastly at the +panoramic valley which we were skirting. From time to time I glanced, +at her out of the corners of my eyes, and eventually was somewhat +relieved to see that she had closed her own and was dozing. My soul +was in despair. She loathed, despised me. I could not blame her. I +despised myself. + +And yet my heart quickened every time I allowed myself to think of the +crime I had committed. + +The day was a glorious one and the road more than passably good. We +bowled along at a steady rate of speed and sundown found us about +twenty-five miles from our destination. Not caring to run the risk of +a prolonged stay in the town, we drew up at a roadside inn and had our +dinner in the quaint little garden, afterwards proceeding leisurely +by moonlight down the sloping highway. + +Billy Smith met us six or eight miles out and we stopped to parley. +He examined the Countess's skilfully prepared passports, pronounced +them genuine (!), and then gave us the cheerful news that "everything +was lovely and the goose hung high." The train for the coast was due +to leave the Staats-bahn-hof at 10.05, and we had an hour to spare. +He proposed that we spend it quite comfortably at the roadside while +Britton went through the pretence of repairing our tires. This seemed +an agreeable arrangement for every one but Britton, who looked so glum +that I, glad of the excuse, offered to help him. + +No sooner was I out of the car and Billy Smith in my place beside the +Countess than she became quite gay and vivacious once more. She laughed +and chatted with him in a manner that promptly convinced me that +propinquity so far as I was concerned had had a most depressing effect +upon her, and that she revelled in the change of companions. + +I was so disturbed by the discovery that Britton had to caution me +several times to handle the inner tubes less roughly or I _would_ damage +them and we might suffer a blow-out after all. + +Every one appeared to be gay and frivolous, even Blake, who chattered +_sotto voce_ with Britton, that excellent rascal spending most of his +time leaning against the spare tires in order to catch what she was +saying for his benefit. All efforts to draw me into the general +conversation were unavailing. I was as morose and unresponsive as an +Egyptian mummy, and for a very excellent reason, I submit. The Countess +deliberately refused to address a single remark to me. Indeed, when +I seemed perilously near to being drawn into the conversation she +relapsed into a silence that was most forbidding. My cup of misery was +overflowing. + +I wondered if she would feel called upon, at some distant confessional, +to tell the fortunate Lord Amberdale that I had brutally kissed her. +And Lord Amberdale would grin in his beastly supercilious English way +and say: "What else could you have expected from a bally American +bounder?" She would no doubt smile indulgently. + +Heigh-ho! + +All things come to an end, however. We found ourselves at last uttering +our good-byes in the railway station, surrounded by hurrying travellers +and attended by eager porters. + +The Countess did not lift her veil. I deliberately drew her aside. My +hot hand clasped hers, and found it as cold as ice and trembling. + +"For God's sake," I whispered hoarsely in my humbleness, "say that you +forgive me?" + +She did not speak for many seconds. Then her voice was very low and +tremulous. I felt that her sombre eyes were accusing me even as they +tried to meet my own with a steadiness that was meant to be reassuring. + +"Of course I forgive you," she said. "You have been so good to me." + +"Good!" I cried bitterly. "I've been harsh, unreasoning, super-critical +from the day I met--" + +"Hush!" she said, laying her free hand upon my arm. "I shall never +forget all that you have done for me. I--I can say no more." + +I gulped. "I pray to heaven that you may be happy, Aline,--happier +than any one else in the world." + +She lowered her head suddenly, and I was made more miserable than +before by hearing a quick, half-suppressed sob. Then she withdrew her +cold little hand and turned away to follow Colingraft who had called +out to her. + +I saw them board the train. In my heart there was the memory of a dozen +kisses I had bestowed in repentant horror upon the half-asleep Rosemary, +who, God bless her little soul, cried bitterly on being torn away from +my embrace. + +"Well," said Billy Smith, taking me by the arm a few minutes later, +"let's have a bite to eat and a cold bottle before we go to bed, old +chap. I hope to heaven she gets through all right. Damme, I am strong +for her, aren't you?" + +"I am," said I, with conviction, coming out of a daze. + +He led me off to a cafe where he seemed to be more or less at home, +and where it was bright and gay for him but gloomier than the grave +to me. + + * * * * * * * + +I drove the car home the next day. When we got down at the garage, +Britton shivered and drew a prodigious breath. It was as if he had not +breathed for hours. We had gone the distance in little more than half +the time taken on the trip down. + +"My word, sir," was all he said, but there was a significant tremor +in his voice. It smacked of pride. + +Mrs. Titus placidly inquired how we had got along, and appeared quite +relieved when I told her we had caught the train at K---. Jasper, Jr., +revealed a genuine interest in the enterprise, but spoiled it all by +saying that Aline, now prematurely safe, was most likely to leap out +of the frying-pan into the fire by marrying some blithering foreigner +and having the whole beastly business to do over again. + +"How soon do they go?" asked Poopendyke late that afternoon, after +listening to Mrs. Titus's amiable prophecies concerning Aline's future +activities, and getting my harassed ear in a moment of least resistance. + +"I don't know," said I, hopelessly. I had heard about all I could +endure concerning his lordship's magnificent estates in England, and +the sort of a lord he was besides. "There's nothing to do but wait, +Fred." + +"She is a remarkably fine woman but--" He completed the estimate by +shaking his head, trusting to my intelligence, I suppose. + +We waited two days for word from the fugitives. Late in the afternoon +of the second day, Britton returned from town with a telegram for me. +It said: + +"Cargo safely aboard _Pendennis_, Captain Pardee commanding. Clear at +two to-day. Everything satisfactory. (Signed) C. G. RAFT." + +No sooner was this reassuring news received than Mrs. Titus complacently +set about having her trunks packed. The entire household was in a stew +of activity, for she had suddenly decided to catch the eight o'clock +train for Paris. I telephoned to reserve accommodation on the Orient +Express from Vienna, and also to have it stopped at the town across +the river, a concession secured at a no inconsiderable cost. + +She was to travel once more as my mother. + +"You will not fail to look us up when you come to New York, will you, +Mr. Smart? Mr. Titus will not be happy until he has expressed to you +in person his endless gratitude. You have been splendid. We shall never +forget your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your--your forbearance. +I--I--" + +Upon my word, there were real tears in the dear lady's eyes! I forgot +and forgave much in recognition of this instant of genuine feeling on +her part. It was not necessary for her to complete the sentence so +humbly begun. + +Their departure was made with some degree of caution, Mrs. Titus rather +considerately reminding herself that my interests were at stake. I saw +them aboard the train; she played her part admirably, I will say that +for her. She lifted her veil so that I could bestow a farewell filial +kiss upon her cheek. Jasper, Jr.'s, eyes popped very wide open at this, +and, as he shook my hand warmly at parting, he said: + +"You are a wonder, John,--a sure enough wonder. Why, hang it all, she +doesn't even let dad do that." + +But Jasper, Jr., was very young and he couldn't understand. + +At last we were to ourselves, my extensive household and I. Late that +night I sat in my study considering the best means of reducing my staff +of servants and in computing, with dismay, the cost of being a princely +host to people who had not the least notion what it meant to do sums +in economic subtraction. It was soon apparent to me that retrenchment, +stern and relentless, would have to follow upon my wild though brief +season of profligacy. I decided to dismiss the scullery-maid. + +I was indescribably lonely. Poopendyke was worried about my pallor, +my lassitude. At the end of a week, he took it upon himself to drop +a line to the Hazzards, urging them to run out for a visit in the hope +that company might take me out of myself. All attempts to renew my +work on the ill-fated novel met with utter failure. The power of mental +concentration was gone. I spent most of my time in the garden. + +The Hazzards came and with them the joyously beautiful Betty Billy. +Poopendyke must have prepared them for the task in hand, for they +proceeded at once to transform the bleak, dreary old castle into a +sort of hilarious merry-go-round, with me in the very vortex of it +all. They succeeded in taking me "out of myself," I will say that for +them. My spirits took an upward bound and, wonderful to relate, retained +their altitude in spite of all I could do to lower them. I did not +want to be happy; I figured that I owed it to my recently aroused +temperament to be permanently unhappy. But the wind blew another way +and I drifted amiably with it, as a derelict drifts with the currents +of the ocean but preferably with the warm gulf stream. + +We had word from Mrs. Titus, in London, that negotiations had been +reopened with the Count, and that a compromise might be expected. The +obdurate nobleman had agreed, it seemed, to meet Jasper Titus's lawyers +in Paris at no distant date. My chief concern however was for the +Countess herself. That she had successfully reached the high seas was +apparent; if not, the newspapers, which I read with eagerness, would +have been filled with accounts of her seizure. We eagerly awaited the +promised cablegram from New York, announcing her safe arrival there. + +Smith joined us at the end of the week. I nerved myself to question +him about the Englishman. + +"Splendid fellow," said he, with discouraging fervour. "One of the +finest chaps I know, eh, George?" + +"For an Englishman," admitted Hazzard. + +"He's a gentleman, and that's more than you can say for the rag-tag +of nobility that paid court to Aline Tarnowsy. He was in love with +her, but he was a gentleman about it. A thoroughbred, I say." + +"Good looking?" I enquired. + +"Well, rather! The sort of chap women rave about. Ask Betty. She was +mad about him. But he couldn't see anything in her. I think she hates +him now. He had eyes for no one but the fair Countess. An awful grind +on Betty. She's used to something different." + +Hazzard studied the clouds that drifted over our heads. "I wonder if +Aline cared anything for him." + +"I've always believed that she liked him better than she cared to +admit, even to herself." + +"I fancy he'll not let any grass grow under his feet, now that she's +free," said Dr. Hazzard. + +"Think she'll have him?" + +"Why not? He has a much better position in England than Tarnowsy has +here, and he's not after her money. I hate to say it, but Aline is a +seeker after titles. She wouldn't be averse to adding 'your ladyship' +to her collection." + +"Oh, come!" I protested. "That is a nasty thing to say, George." + +"She may have been regenerated," he said obligingly. "You know her +better than I do, old chap. What say?" + +"I didn't say anything," I muttered. + +"I thought you did." + +I hesitated a moment and then purged myself of the truth. "As a matter +of fact, I have reason to believe she's in love with Amberdale and has +been for a long time. I'm not saying it in disparagement, believe me. +God knows she's entitled to something decent and fine in the shape of +love. I hope he's good enough for her." + +They looked at me with interest, and Smith broke the momentary silence. + +"Oh, he's good enough for her," he said, with a queer smile. + +"I'm glad of that," I said gruffly. + +"The old la--I mean Mrs. Titus will be tickled to death if the match +is pulled off," said Hazzard. + +"She was tickled the first time," said I sententiously, and changed +the subject. There was no sense in prolonging the agony. + +Toward the close of their visit, a message arrived from the Countess +herself, signed with the fictitious name we had agreed upon. The news +she gave caused us to celebrate that night. We had a bonfire in the +courtyard and drank to the god of Good Luck. + +"Cargo safely landed in New York and forwarded to the Adirondacks for +storage and to await the appearance of a claimant. Former owner has +agreed to accept million and a half and release all claims. When are +you coming over? (Signed) Alrose." + +By the most extraordinary coincidence, a curt, business-like letter +arrived in the evening post from Maris Tarnowsy, post-marked Paris. +Its contents staggered me. + +"_John Bellamy Smart, Esquire._ + +"Dear Mr. Smart: Will you put a price on Schloss Rothhoefen? I am +desirous of purchasing the castle if you care to sell and we can agree +upon a fair price for the property. Sentiment moves me in this matter +and I earnestly hope that you may be induced to part with your white +elephant. If you will be so kind as to wire your decision, you will +find me deeply grateful, and at the Ritz for the ensuing fortnight. + +"Faithfully yours, + +"MARIS TARNOWSY." + +My "white elephant!" I was so eager to get rid of it that I would have +wired at once, naming a figure proportionately low had it not been for +the united protests of my four friends and the canny advice of Mr. +Poopendyke. + +"Soak him," said he, and I arose to the occasion. + +I waited for three days and then telegraphed him that I would not take +a heller less than two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, more than +doubling the price I had paid for the property. I was prepared, however, +to come down a paltry hundred thousand or so if he revealed signs of +reluctance. + +We built another bonfire that night and danced around it like so many +savages. + +"Terms acceptable. Will come to Schloss Rothhoefen at once to complete +the transfer. + +"TARNOWSY." + + + +CHAPTER XIX + +I BURN A FEW BRIDGES + +Accompanied by Hazzard and Smith, I went over the castle from top to +bottom, in quest of the reason for Tarnowsy's prompt acceptance of my +demand. We made no doubt that he had a good and sufficient reason for +wanting the place, and but one thing suggested itself to our +imagination: his absolute certainty that treasure was hidden somewhere +about the venerable pile, treasure of considerable magnitude, you may +be sure, or he would not have revealed such alacrity in accepting my +terms. Sentiment had nothing to do with this surprising move on his +part. That was all bosh. He had an ulterior motive, and it was for me +to get the better of him at his own game if I could. While I was eager +to get rid of the castle at any price, I did not relish the thought +of being laughed at for a fool by Maris Tarnowsy after he had laid his +greedy hands upon treasure that had been mine without my knowledge. + +He was no fool. The castle meant nothing to him as a home or as an +investment. No doubt he would blow it to pieces in order to unearth +the thing he knew its walls secreted. + +We spent two unprofitable days in going over the place, and in the end +sank down tired, defeated and without the slightest evidence in our +possession that so much as a half crown lay hidden there as +treasure-trove. I gave in and announced that if Tarnowsy could find +anything worth having he was entitled to it so far as I was concerned, +and I wouldn't begrudge him a farthing's worth. + +He telegraphed that he would arrive on the morning of the third day, +accompanied by his lawyer, a notary and an architect. My four guests +departed in haste by the late night train, after extracting a promise +from me to join them in Vienna when I was no longer the master of +Schloss Rothhoefen. I rather relished the thought of a brief vacation! + +Then, like the spider, I crept back into my web and waited for the +foolish fly, knowing all the time that he would have the better of me +in the long run. + +I confess to a feeling of sadness in parting with the place, after +all, elephantine though it was in every sense of the word. Within its +grey and ancient walls that beautiful thing called love had come to +me, to live with me forever. It had come unbidden, against my will, +against my better judgment, and in spite of my prejudices, but still +it was a thing to cherish and to hold in its virgin youth all through +the long years to come. It would always be young and sweet and +rose-coloured, this unrequited love of mine. Walking through the empty, +dismantled rooms that had once been hers, I grew sick with longing, +and, in something like fear, fled downward, absurd tears blinding my +eyes. Verily, I was a fool,--a monstrous, silly fool! + +Tarnowsy was as bland and smiling as a May morning as he came jauntily +down the great hall to where I awaited him. + +"I am here incognito, my dear Smart," he said, extending his gloved +hand, which I took perforce. "Sub rosa, you might say," he went on +with a wry smile. "A stupid, unchivalric empire has designs upon me, +perfunctorily perhaps, but it's just as well not to stir up the monkeys, +as you Americans would put it." + +"Our late friend, the baron, was not totally without friends, I take +it," said I drily. + +He made a grimace. "Nor enemies," he declared. "Brave men usually have +more enemies than friends, and he was a brave man, a truly brave man. +Because he was a brave man I have no feeling of regret over the outcome +of our--er--meeting. It is no honour to kill a coward, Mr. Smart." + +He introduced his three companions. I was surprised to see that the +lawyer was not the fawning Schymansky, and later on inquired for him. +Tarnowsy laughed. "Poor old Schymansky! He is in prison." + +"Aha! I am not surprised," said I. + +"He was my second, poor chap. It did not occur to him to run away after +the--er--duel. They had to make an example of some one. His trial comes +up next week. I am afraid he may be dealt with rather harshly. I miss +him dreadfully. But let us come to the matter in hand, Mr. Smart. I +daresay your time is valuable. You have no objection to my going over +the place with Mr. Saks, I am sure. He is the architect who is to +rebuild the castle for me. My attorney and Mr. Pooly,--the +notary,--will, with your assistance, draw up the proper contracts +preliminary to the formal transfer, and I will sign them with you upon +my return." + +"Would it not be better to discuss the question of payments before we +go any further, Count Tarnowsy?" + +"You will be paid in cash, Mr. Smart, the instant the deed is +transferred," he said coldly. + +I followed him to the top of the stairs which descended to the basement +of the castle. It was rather significant that he elected to explore +the lower regions first of all. + +"I shall accompany you," said I deliberately. + +A faint scowl came into his face. He eyed me fixedly for a moment, +then shrugged his shoulders and said that his only desire was to avoid +putting me to any unnecessary trouble. If I cared to come, he would +be more than grateful. "It isn't necessary to visit the cellars, Saks," +he said to the architect. "Ample time for that sort of rummaging. I +particularly want your opinion on the condition of the intersecting +walls on this floor and above. My scheme of improvements, Mr. Smart, +contemplates the enlargement of these halls by throwing them into one." + +"A very simple process," said I, "if the whole structure doesn't topple +down upon your heads while you're about it." + +"I shall contrive to save my scalp, Mr. Smart, no matter what happens. +It is very precious to me." + +We went over the castle rather hurriedly, I thought, but he explained +that Saks merely wanted a general idea of the structure; he would +return another day to make a careful inspection. + +"I daresay you are surprised that I should be willing to pay double +your original price for Schloss Rothhoefen," he ventured, pausing in +the corridor to light a cigarette. We were on our way to the top of +the east wing. + +"Oh, no," I said calmly. "I am aware that treasure is buried here. As +a matter of fact, I've tried to unearth it myself, but without success. +I wish you better luck." + +"Thanks," said he laconically, after the first swift glance of inquiry. +"It is doubtless a fairy tale, handed down by tradition. I take no +stock in it. My principal object in acquiring Rothhoefen is to satisfy +a certain vanity which besets me. I have it on excellent authority +that my ex-father-in-law,--the man Titus, you know,--talks of buying +the property and performing the stupendous, characteristic American +feat of removing it, stone and timber, just as it is, to his estate +north of New York City. No one but a vulgar, purse-proud American would +think of doing such a thing." + +The news staggered me. Could there be anything in what he said? If it +was true that Jasper Titus contemplated such a quixotic move, there +could be but one compelling force behind the whim: sentiment. But not +sentiment on the part of Jasper Titus. + +"I cannot believe that he considers doing such a thing," I said rather +blankly. "You see, if any one should know, I am that one. He has not +approached me, of that you may be sure." + +He did not appear to be interested. "My information is not +authoritative, Mr. Smart," said he. "It came to me through my +representatives who conferred with his lawyers a fortnight ago in +regard to certain difficulties that had existed between us. From what +they were able to gather, the idea has taken root in the old man's +head. Now, I want to buy this place for no other reason than to tell +him that he hasn't enough money in his possession to purchase it from +me. D'you see? Vanity, you may call it, as I do, but it pleases me to +coddle it." + +Very thoughtfully I strode along beside him. Would I be serving the +Countess ill or well by selling the place to Tarnowsy? It was _her_ +whim, of course, and it was a foolish one. + +"Suppose that he offered you twice what you are to pay me for the +place," said I, struck by a sudden thought. + +He laughed easily. "You will not, it seems, acquit me of cupidity, Mr. +Smart. I should not sell to him under any consideration. That is final. +Take it or leave it." + +By this time we were in the rooms once occupied by the Countess. He +glanced about the apartment carelessly. + +"Deserted, I observe," he remarked with a queer smile. + +My heart almost stood still. "Eh? What do you mean?" + +"If I am not mistaken, these are the rooms once occupied by your valet's +wife. Am I right?" + +I steadied myself. "She has gone away," I said. "Couldn't stand the +climate." + +"I see," said he, but he was still smiling. "How does your valet stand +it?" + +"Nicely," said I, with a conscious blush. + +"I mean the separation, of course." + +"Certainly. He is used to it." + +"Isn't it rather odd that he should still think she is here, in the +castle?" + +"Does he?" I murmured. + +"I inquired for her when I encountered him downstairs. He said she was +quite well this morning, except for a headache." + +"She is subject to headaches, I believe," said I, with the utmost +nonchalance. He lifted his right eyebrow slightly, but said no more +on the subject. + +A pile of rubbish lay heaped in one corner of the room, swept up and +left there by the big Schmicks to await the spring house cleaning +season I presume. Tarnowsy at first eyed the heap curiously, then +rather intently. Suddenly he strode across the room and gingerly rooted +among the odds and ends with the toe of his highly polished boot. + +To my horror a dilapidated doll detached itself and rolled out upon +the floor,--a well-remembered treasure of Rosemary's and so unique in +appearance that I doubt if there was another in the world like it. +Indeed, I have a distinct recollection of being told that the child's +father had painted in the extraordinary features and had himself +decorated the original flaxen locks with singular stripes of red and +white and blue, a sardonic tribute to the home land of her mother. + +I turned away as he stooped and picked up the soiled, discarded effigy. +When next I looked at him, out of the corner of my eye, he was holding +the doll at arm's length and staring at it with a fixed gaze. I knew +that he recognised it. There could be no doubt in his mind as to the +identity of that tell-tale object. My heart was thumping fiercely. + +An instant later he rejoined me, but not a word did he utter concerning +the strange discovery he had made. His face was set and pallid, and +his eyes were misty. Involuntarily I looked to see if he had the doll +in his hand, and in that glance observed the bulging surface of his +coat pocket. + +In silence we stood there awaiting the reappearance of Saks, who had +gone into one of the adjoining rooms. I confess that my hand trembled +as I lighted a fresh cigarette. He was staring moodily at the floor, +his hands clasped behind his back. Something smacking of real +intelligence ordered me to hold my tongue. I smoked placidly, yet +waited for the outburst. It did not come. It never came. He kept his +thoughts, his emotions to himself, and for that single display of +restraint on his part I shall always remember him as a true descendant +of the nobility. + +We tramped down the long flights of stairs side by side, followed by +the superfluous Mr. Saks, who did all of the talking. He was, I think, +discoursing on the extraordinary ability of ancient builders, but I +am not absolutely certain. I am confident Tarnowsy did not hear a word +the fellow said. + +In my study we found Poopendyke and the two strangers. + +"Have you made out the papers?" demanded the Count harshly. An ugly +gleam had come to his eyes, but he did not direct it toward me. Indeed, +he seemed to avoid looking at me at all. + +"Yes, Count Tarnowsy," said the lawyer. "They are ready for the +signatures." + +"Perhaps Mr. Smart may have reconsidered his offer to sell," said +Tarnowsy. "Let him see the contracts." + +"I have not reconsidered," I said quietly. + +"You may sign here, Mr. Smart," said the notary, as he gave me the +document, a simple contract, I found. + +"Jasper Titus will offer more than I can afford to pay," said the +Count. "Please do not feel that I am taking an unfair advantage of +you. I am absolutely certain that he wants to buy this place for--his +granddaughter, a descendant of barons." + +The significance of this remark was obvious, and it was the nearest +he ever came to uttering the conviction that had been formed in that +illuminating five minutes upstairs. If he suspected,--and I think he +did,--he preferred not to ask the questions that must have been searing +his curious brain. It was a truly wonderful demonstration of +self-restraint. I would have given much to have been able to read his +innermost thoughts, to watch the perplexed movements of his mind. + +"Schloss Rothhoefen is yours, Count Tarnowsy," said I. "It is for you +to say whether his whim shall be gratified." + +His lips twitched. I saw his hand touch the bulging coat-pocket with +a swift, passing movement. + +"Will you be good enough to sign, Mr. Smart?" he said coldly. He glanced +at his watch. "My time is valuable. When can you give possession?" + +"The day the deed is transferred." + +"That will be in less than three days. I have satisfied myself that +the title is clear. There need be no delay." + +We signed the contract after I had requested Poopendyke to read it +aloud to me. It called for the payment of fifty thousand kronen, or +a little over two thousand pounds sterling, at the time of signing. +His lawyer handed me a package of crisp banknotes and asked me to count +them. I did so deliberately, the purchaser looking on with a sardonic +smile. + +"Correct," said I, laying the package on the table. He bowed very +deeply. + +"Are you satisfied, Mr. Smart, that there are no counterfeits among +them?" he inquired with polite irony. Then to his lawyer: "Take the +gentleman's receipt for the amount in the presence of witnesses. This +is a business transaction, not a game of chance." It was the insult +perfect. + +As he prepared to take his departure, he assumed an insinuating air +of apology, and remarked to me: + +"I owe you an apology, Mr. Smart. There was a time when I did you an +injustice. I suspected you of keeping your mistress here. Pray forgive +my error." + +Five days later I was snugly ensconced in the ducal suite at the +Bristol, overlooking the Kartnerring-strasse, bereft of my baronial +possessions but not at all sorry. My romance had been short-lived. It +is one thing to write novels about mediaeval castles and quite another +thing to try to write a novel in one of them. I trust I may never again +be guilty of such arrant stupidity as to think that an American-born +citizen can become a feudal baron by virtue of his dollars and cents, +any more than an American-born girl can hope to be a real, +dyed-in-the-wool countess or duchess because some one needs the money +more than she does. It would be quite as impossible, contrariwise, +to transform a noble duke into a plain American citizen, so there you +are, even up. + +My plans were made. After a fortnight in Vienna, I expected to go west +to London for the autumn, and then back to New York. Strange to relate, +I was homesick. Never before had my thoughts turned so restlessly, so +wistfully to the haunts of my boyhood days. I began to long for the +lights of Broadway (which I had scornfully despised in other days), +and the gay peacockery of Fifth Avenue at four in the afternoon. It +seemed to me that nowhere in all the world was life so joyous and +blithe and worth while as in "old New York"; nowhere were the theatres +so attractive, nowhere such restaurants. Even, in retrospect, the +subway looked alluring, and as for the Fifth Avenue stages they were +too beautiful for words. Ah, what a builder of unreal things a spell +of homesickness may become if one gives it half a chance! + +As for Schloss Rothhoefen, I had it on excellent authority (no less +a person than Conrad Schmick himself) that barely had I shaken the +dust of the place from myself before the new master put into execution +a most extraordinary and incomprehensible plan of reconstruction. In +the first place, he gave all the servants two weeks' notice, and then +began to raze the castle from the bottom upward instead of the other +way round, as a sensible person might have been expected to do. He was +knocking out the walls in the cellars and digging up the stone floors +with splendid disregard for that ominous thing known as a cataclysm. +The grave question in the minds of the servants was whether the usual +and somewhat mandatory two weeks' notice wouldn't prove a trifle too +long after all. In fact, Hawkes, with an inspiration worthy of an +office boy, managed to produce a sick grand-mother and got away from +the place at the end of one week, although having been paid in full +for two. + +The day on which I left for Paris still saw Tarnowsy at work with his +masons, heroically battering down the walls of the grim old stronghold, +and I chuckled to myself. It was quite evident that he hadn't found +the hiding place up to that time. + +After several days in Paris, I took myself off to London. I was +expecting letters at Claridge's, where I always take rooms, not because +I think it is the best hotel in London but because I am, to some extent, +a creature of habit. My mother took me to Claridge's when I was a boy +and I saw a wonderful personage at the door whom I was pleased to call +the King. Ever since then I have been going to Claridge's and while +my first king is dead there is one in his place who bids fair to live +long, albeit no one shouts encouragement to him. He wears the most +gorgeous buttons I've ever seen, and I doubt if King Solomon himself +could have been more regal. Certainly not Nebuchadnezzar. He works +from seven in the morning until seven at night, and he has an imperial +scorn for anything smaller than half a sovereign. + +There were many letters waiting there for me, but not one from the +Countess Aline. I had encouraged the hope that she might write to me; +it was the least she could do in return for all that I had done for +her, notwithstanding my wretched behaviour on the last day of our +association. While I had undoubtedly offended in the most flagrant +manner, still my act was not unpardonable. There was tribute, not +outrage in my behaviour. + +Poopendyke fidgeted a good deal with the scanty results of my literary +labours, rattling the typed pages in a most insinuating way. He oiled +his machine with accusative frequency, but I failed to respond. I was +in no mood for writing. He said to me one day: + +"I don't see why you keep a secretary, Mr. Smart. I don't begin to +earn my salt." + +"Salt, Mr. Poopendyke," said I, "is the cheapest thing I know of. Now +if you had said pepper I might pause to reflect. But I am absolutely, +inexorably opposed to rating anything on a salt basis. If you--" + +"You know what I mean," he said stiffly. "I am of no use to you." + +"Ah," said I triumphantly, "but you forget! Who is it that draws the +salary checks for yourself and Britton, and who keeps the accounts +straight? Who, I repeat? Why, you, Mr. Poopendyke. You draw the checks. +Isn't that something?" + +"If--if I didn't know you so well, I wouldn't hesitate to call you a +blooming fool, Mr. Smart," said he, but he grinned as he said it. + +"But he who hesitates is lost," said I. "This is your chance, don't +let it slip." He looked at me so steadily for a moment that I was in +some fear he would not let it slip. + +Before I had been in London a week it became perfectly clear to me +that I could not stretch my stay out to anything like a period of two +months. Indeed, I began to think about booking my passage home inside +of two weeks. I was restless, dissatisfied, homesick. On the ninth day +I sent Poopendyke to the booking office of the steamship company with +instructions to secure passage for the next sailing of the +_Mauretania_, and then lived in a state of positive dread for fear the +confounded American tourists might have gobbled up all of the cabins. +They are always going home it seems to me, and they are always trying to +get on a single unfortunate ship. In all my experience abroad, I've +never known a time when Americans were not tumbling over each other +trying to get back to New York in time to catch a certain train for +home, wherever that may be. But Poopendyke managed it somehow. He must +have resorted to bribery. + +I awoke one morning to find a long and--I was about to say +interesting--letter from the Countess! It was a very commonplace +communication I found on the third or fourth reading. The sum and +substance of its contents was the information that she was going to +Virginia Hot Springs with the family for a month or two and that Lord +Amberdale was to join them there. + +It appeared that her father, being greatly overworked, was in need of +a rest, and as the golf links at Hot Springs are especially designed +to make it easy for rich men, his doctor had ordered him to that +delightful resort. She hoped the rest would put him on his feet again. +There was a page or so of drivel about Amberdale and what he expected +to do at the New York Horse Show, a few lines concerning Rosemary; and +a brief, almost curt intimation that a glimpse or two of me would not +be altogether displeasing to her if I happened to be coming that way. + +It may be regarded as a strange coincidence that I instructed Britton +that very evening to see that my golf clubs were cleaned up and put +into good shape for a little practice on a course near London, where +I had been put up by an English author, and who was forever ding-donging +at me to come out and let him "put it all over me." I went out and +bought a new brassie to replace the one destroyed by the experimenting +Rocksworth youth, and before I got through with it had a new putter, +a niblick and a spoon, neither of which I needed for the excellent +reason that I already possessed a half dozen of each. + +Keyed up to a high pitch of enthusiasm, I played golf for ten days, +and found my friend to be a fine sportsman. Like all Englishmen, he +took a beating gracefully, but gave me to understand that he had been +having a good deal of trouble with rheumatism or neuritis in his right +elbow. On the last day we played he succeeded in bringing me in two +down and I've never seen neuritis dispersed so quickly as it was in +his case. I remember distinctly that he complained bitterly of the +pain in his elbow when we started out, and that he was as fit as a +fiddle at the eighteenth hole. He even went so far as to implore me +to stay over till the next sailing of the Mauretania. + +But I took to the high seas. Mr. Poopendyke cabled to the Homestead +at Hot Springs for suitable accommodations. I cannot remember when I +had been so forehanded as all that, and I wonder what my secretary +thought of me. My habit is to procrastinate. + +I almost forgot to mention a trifling bit of news that came to me the +day before sailing. Elsie Hazzard wrote in great perturbation and at +almost unfeeling length to tell me that Count Tarnowsy had unearthed +the supposedly mythical Rothhoefen treasure chests and was reputed to +have found gold and precious jewels worth at least a million dollars. +The accumulated products of a century's thievery! The hoard of all the +robber barons! Tarnowsy's! + +Strange to say I did not writhe nor snarl with disappointment and rage. +I took the news with a _sang froid_ that almost killed poor Poopendyke. +He never quite got over it. + +Nor was I especially disturbed or irritated by the telegram of +condolence I received on board ship from Tarnowsy himself. He could +not resist the temptation to gloat. I shall not repeat the message for +the simple reason that I do not wish to dignify it by putting it into +permanent form. We were two days out when I succeeded in setting my +mind at rest in respect to Aline, Countess Tarnowsy. I had not thought +of it before, but I remembered all of a sudden that I held decided +scruples against marrying a divorced woman. Of course, that simplified +matters. When one has preconceived notions about such matters they +afford excellent material to fall back upon, even though he may have +disregarded them after a fashion while unselfishly thinking of some +one else. As I say, the recollection of this well-defined though +somewhat remorseless principle of mine had the effect of putting my +mind at rest in regard to the Countess. Feeling as strongly as I did +about marriage with divorcees, she became an absolutely undesirable +person so far as matrimony was concerned. I experienced a rather +doubtful feeling of relief. It was not so hard to say to myself that +Lord Amberdale was welcome to her, but it was very, very difficult to +refrain from adding the unamiable words: "damn him." + +This rigid, puritanical principle of mine, however, did not declare +against the unrighteousness of falling in love with a divorcee. + + + +CHAPTER XX + +I CHANGE GARDEN SPOTS + +IF I have, by any chance, announced earlier in this narrative that the +valley of the Donau is the garden spot of the world, I must now ask +you to excuse the ebullience of spirit that prompted the declaration. +The Warm Springs Valley of Virginia is infinitely more attractive to +me, and I make haste to rectify any erroneous impression I may have +given, while under the spell of something my natural modesty forbids +me to describe. + +If you happen not to know the Warm Springs Valley, permit me to say +that you are missing a great deal. It is a garden spot and--but why +discourse upon a subject that is so aptly handled by the gentlemen who +supply railway folders with descriptive material and who will tell you +in so many words that God's noblest work was done in the green hills +and vales of fair Virginia? Any railway folder will acquaint you with +all this and save me a great deal of time and trouble, besides giving +you a sensible and adequate idea of how to get there and where to stop +when you reach your journey's end, together with the price of Pullman +tickets and the nature of the ailments you are supposed to have if you +take the waters. It is only necessary for me to say that it is a garden +spot and that you don't have to change cars if you take the right train +out of New York City, a condition which does not obtain if you happen +to approach from the opposite direction. + +I arrived there early one bright November morning, three days after +landing in New York. You will be rendered unhappy, I fear, by the +announcement that I left Mr. Poopendyke behind. He preferred to visit +an aunt at New Rochelle and I felt that he deserved a vacation. Britton, +of course, accompanied me. He is indispensable, and, so far as I know, +hasn't the faintest notion of what a vacation means unless he considers +employment with me in some such light. At any rate he has never +mentioned a relation in need of a visit from him. + +Before leaving New York I had a rather unpleasant encounter with my +publishers. It was in the nature of a luncheon at which I was led to +believe that they still expected me to supply them with the manuscript +of a novel at a very early date. They seemed considerably put out when +I blandly informed them that I had got no farther along than the second +chapter. + +"We have been counting on this book of yours for January publication," +said they. + +I tried to explain that the muse had abandoned me in a most heartless +fashion. + +"But the public demands a story from you," said they. "What have you +been doing all summer?" + +"Romancing," said I. + +I don't know just how it came about, but the suggestion was made that +I put into narrative form the lively history of my sojourn on the banks +of the Danube, trusting implicitly to the imagination yet leaving +nothing to it. + +"But it's all such blithering rot," said I. + +"So much the better," said they triumphantly--even eagerly. + +"I do not suppose that you, as publishers, can appreciate the fact +that an author may have a soul above skittles," said I indignantly. +"I cannot, I will not write a line about myself, gentlemen. Not that +I consider the subject sacred but--" + +"Wait!" cried the junior member, his face aglow. "We appreciate the +delicacy of--er--your feelings, Mr. Smart, but I have an idea,--a +splendid idea. It solves the whole question. Your secretary is a most +competent, capable young man and a genius after a fashion. I propose +that he write the story. We'll pay him a lump sum for the work, put +your name on the cover, and there you are. All you will have to do is +to edit his material. How's that?" + +And so it came to pass that I took myself off that evening for Hot +Springs, secure in the thought that Poopendyke would attend to my +literary estate far more capably than I could do it myself, and that +my labours later on would be pleasantly devoted to the lazy task of +editing, revising and deleting a tale already told.... + +If you are lucky enough to obtain rooms in the Homestead, looking out +over the golf course, with the wonderful November colourings in the +hills and gaps beyond; over the casino, the tennis courts and the lower +levels of the fashionable playground, you may well say to yourself +that all the world is bright and sweet and full of hope. From my windows +I could see far down the historic valley in the direction of Warm +Springs, a hazy blue panorama wrapped in the air of an Indian summer +and redolent with the incense of autumn. + +Britton reminded me that it was a grand morning for golf, and I was +at once reminded that Britton is an excellent chap whose opinions are +always worth considering. So I started for the links, stopping first +at the office on my way out, ostensibly to complain about the absence +of window-screens but in reality to glance over the register in quest +of certain signatures. + +A brisk, oldish little man came up beside me and rather testily inquired +why the deuce there were no matches in his room; also why the hot water +was cold so much longer than usual that morning. He was not much of +a man to look at, but I could not fail to note the obsequious manner +in which the two clerks behind the desk looked at him. You couldn't +possibly have discovered anything in their manner to remind you of +hotel clerks you may have come to know in your travels. A half dozen +boxes of matches were passed out to him in the twinkling of an eye, +and I shudder to think what might have happened if there had been a +hot water faucet handy, they were so eager to please. + +"Mr. Brewster gone out yet?" demanded this important guest, pocketing +all of the matches. (I could see at once that he was a very rich man.) +"Did he leave any message for me? He didn't? He was to let me know +whether he could play golf with--eh? Playing with Logan, eh? Well, of +all the--He knows I will _not_ play with Logan. See if Mr. Scott is in +his room. Tell him I'd like to take him on for eighteen holes this +morning." + +He crossed to the news-counter and glanced over the papers while a +dusky bell-boy shot off in quest of Mr. Scott. + +"They all hate to play with the old geezer," said one of the clerks,--a +young one, you may be sure,--lowering his voice and his eyebrows at +the same time. "He's the rottenest player in the world." + +"Who is he?" I inquired, mildly interested. + +"Jasper Titus," was the reply. "The real old Jasper himself." + +Before I could recover from my surprise, the object of my curiosity +approached the desk, his watch in his hand. + +"Well, what does he say?" he demanded. + +"The--the boy isn't back yet, Mr. Titus," said one of the clerks, +involuntarily pounding the call-bell in his nervousness. + +"Lazy, shiftless niggers, the whole tribe of them," was Mr. Titus's +caustic comment. + +At that instant the boy, quite out of breath, came thumping down the +stairs. + +"Mr. Scott's got rheumatiz, Mr. Titus. He begs to be excused--" + +"Buncombe!" snapped Mr. Titus. "He's afraid to play me. Well, this +means no game for me. A beautiful day like this and--" + +"I beg your pardon, Mr. Titus," said I, stepping forward. "If you don't +mind taking on a stranger, I will be happy to go around with you. My +name is Smart. I think you must have heard of me through the Countess +and your--" + +"Great Scott! Smart? Are--are you the author, James Byron Smart? +The--the man who--" He checked himself suddenly, but seized me by the +hand and, as he wrung it vigorously, dragged me out of hearing of the +men behind the desk. + +"I am John Bellamy Smart," said I, a little miffed. + +His shrewd, hard old face underwent a marvellous change. The crustiness +left it as if by magic. His countenance radiated joy. + +"I owe you a debt of gratitude, Mr. Smart, that can never be lifted. +My daughter has told me everything. You must have put up with a fearful +lot of nonsense during the weeks she was with you. I know her well. +She's spoiled and she's got a temper, although, upon my soul, she seems +different nowadays. There _is_ a change in her, by George." + +"She's had her lesson," said I. "Besides I didn't find she had a bad +temper." + +"And say, I want to tell you something else before I forget it: I fully +appreciate your views on international marriage. Allie told me +everything you had to say about it. You must have rubbed it in! But +I think it did her good. She'll never marry another foreigner if I can +help it, if she never marries. Well, well, I am glad to see you, and +to shake your hand. I--I wish I could really tell you how I feel +toward you, my boy, but I--I don't seem to have the power to express +myself. If I--" + +I tried to convince him that the pleasure had been all mine, and then +inquired for Mrs. Titus and the Countess. + +"They're both here, but the good Lord only knows where. Mrs. Titus +goes driving every morning. Roads are fine if you can stick to them. +Aline said something last night about riding over to Fassifern this +forenoon with Amberdale and young Skelly. Let's see, it's half-past +ten. Yes, they've gone by this time. Why didn't you write or telegraph +Aline? She'll be as mad as a wet hen when she finds you've come without +letting her know." "I thought I should like to take her by surprise," +I mumbled uncomfortably. + +"And my son Jasper--why, he will explode when he hears you're here. +He's gone over to Covington to see a girl off on the train for +Louisville. You've never seen such a boy. He is always going to +Covington with some girl to see that she gets the right train home, +But why are we wasting time here when we might be doing a few holes +before lunch? I'll take you on. Of course, you understand I'm a wretched +player, but I've got one virtue: I never talk about my game and I never +tell funny stories while my opponent is addressing the ball. I'm an +old duffer at the game, but I've got more sense than most duffers." + +We sauntered down to the club house where he insisted on buying me a +dozen golf balls and engaging a caddy for me by the week. Up to the +moment we stepped up to the first tee he talked incessantly of Aline +and Rosemary, but the instant the game was on he settled into the grim +reserve that characterises the man who takes any enterprise seriously, +be it work or play. + +I shall not discuss our game, further than to say that he played in +atrociously bad form but with a purpose that let me, to some degree, +into the secret of his success in life. If I do say it myself, I am +a fairly good player. My driving is consistently long. It may not be +difficult for even you who do not go in for golf to appreciate the +superior patience of a man whose tee shots are rarely short of two +hundred and twenty yards when he is obliged to amble along doing nothing +while his opponent is striving to cover the same distance in three or +four shots, not counting the misses. But I was patient, agreeably +patient, not to say tolerant. I don't believe I was ever in a better +humour than on this gay November morn. I even apologised for Mr. Titus's +execrable foozles; I amiably suggested that he was a little off his +game and that he'd soon strike his gait and give me a sound beating +after the turn. His smile was polite but ironic, and it was not long +before I realised that he knew his own game too well to be affected +by cajolery. He just pegged away, always playing the odd or worse, +uncomplaining, unresentful, as even-tempered as the May wind, and never +by any chance winning a hole from me. He was the rarest "duffer" it +has ever been my good fortune to meet. As a rule, the poorer the player +the loader his execrations. Jasper Titus was one of the worst players +I've ever seen, but he was the personification of gentility, even under +the most provoking circumstances. For instance, at the famous "Crater," +it was my good fortune to pitch a ball fairly on the green from the +tee. His mashie shot landed his ball about twenty feet up the steep +hill which guards the green. It rolled halfway back. Without a word +of disgust, or so much as a scowl, he climbed up and blazed away at +it again, not once but fourteen times by actual count. On the +seventeenth stroke he triumphantly laid his ball on the green. Most +men would have lifted and conceded the hole to me. He played it out. + +"A man never gets anywhere, Mr. Smart," said he, unruffled by his +miserable exhibition, "unless he keeps plugging away at a thing. That's +my principle in life. Keep at it. There is satisfaction in putting the +damned ball in the hole, even if it does require twenty strokes. You +did it in three, but you'll soon forget the feat. I'm not likely to +forget the troubles I had going down in twenty, and there lies the +secret of success. If success comes easy, we pass it off with a laugh, +if it comes hard we grit our teeth and remember the ways and means. +You may not believe it, but I took thirty-three strokes for that hole +one day last week. Day before yesterday I did it in four. Perhaps it +wouldn't occur to you to think that it's a darned sight easier to do +it in four than it is in thirty-three. Get the idea?" + +"I think I do, Mr. Titus," said I. "The things that 'come easy' are +never appreciated." + +"Right, my boy. It's what we have to work for like nailers that we lie +awake thinking about." + +We came out upon the eminence overlooking the next hole, which lay far +below us. As I stooped to tee-up my ball, a gleeful shout came up the +hillside. + +"Hello, John Bellamy!" + +Glancing down, I saw Jasper, Jr., at the edge of the wagon road. He +was waving his cap and, even at that distance, I could see the radiance +in his good-looking young face. A young and attractively dressed woman +stood beside him. I waved my hand and shouted a greeting. + +"I thought you said he'd gone to Covington to see her off," I said, +turning to the young man's father with a grin. + +"Not the same girl," said he succinctly, squinting his eyes. "That's +the little Parsons girl from Richmond. He was to _meet_ her at +Covington. Jasper is a scientific butterfly. He makes both ends +meet,--nearly always. Now no one but a genius could have fixed it up +to see one girl off and meet another on the same train." + +Later on, Jasper, Jr., and I strolled over to the casino verandah, the +chatty Miss Parsons between us, but leaning a shade nearer to young +Titus than to me, although she appeared to be somewhat overwhelmed at +meeting a real live author. Mr. Titus, as was his habit, hurried on +ahead of us. I afterwards discovered he had a dread of pneumonia. + +"Aline never said a word about your coming, John," said Jasper, Jr. +He called me John with considerable gusto. "She's learning how to hold +her tongue." + +"It happens that she didn't know I was coming," said I drily. He +whistled. + +"She's off somewhere with Amberdale. Ever meet him? He's one of the +finest chaps I know. You'll like him, Miss Parsons. He's not at all +like a Britisher." + +"But I like the British," said she. + +"Then I'll tell him to spread it on a bit," said Jappy obligingly. +"Great horseman, he is. Got some ripping nags in the New York show +next week, and he rides like a dream. Watch him pull down a few ribbons +and rosettes. Sure thing." + +"Your father told me that the Countess was off riding with him and +another chap,--off to Fassifern, I believe." + +"For luncheon. They do it three or four times a week. Not for me. I +like waiters with shirt fronts and nickle tags." + +Alone with me in the casino half an hour later, he announced that it +really looked serious, this affair between Aline and his lordship. + +I tried to appear indifferent,--a rather pale effort, I fear. + +"I think I am in on the secret, Jappy," said I soberly. + +He stared. "Has she ever said anything to you, old chap, that would +lead you to believe she's keen about him?" + +I temporised. "She's keen about somebody, my son; that's as far as I +will go." + +"Then it must be Amberdale. I'm on to her all right, all right. I know +women. She's in love, hang it all. If you know a thing about 'em, you +can spot the symptoms without the x-rays. I've been hoping against +hope, old man. I don't want her to marry again. She's had all the hell +she's entitled to. What's the matter with women, anyhow? They no sooner +get out of one muddle than they begin looking around for another. Can't +be satisfied with good luck." + +"But every one speaks very highly of Lord Amberdale. I'm sure she can't +be making a mistake in marrying him." + +"I wish she'd pick out a good, steady, simplified American, just as +an experiment. We're not so darned bad, you know. Women can do worse +than to marry Americans." + +"It is a matter of opinion, I fancy. At any rate we can't go about +picking out husbands for people who have minds of their own." + +"Well, some one in our family picked out a lemon for Aline the first +time, let me tell you that," said he, scowling. + +"And she's doing the picking for herself this time, I gather." + +"I suppose so," said he gloomily. + +I have visited the popular and almost historic Fassifern farm a great +many times in my short career, but for the life of me I cannot +understand what attraction it possesses that could induce people to +go there for luncheon and then spend a whole afternoon lolling about +the place. But that seems to have been precisely what the Countess and +his lordship did on the day of my arrival at the Homestead. The "other +chap," Skerry, came riding home alone at three o'clock. She did not +return until nearly six. By that time I was in a state of suppressed +fury that almost drove me to the railway station with a single and you +might say childish object in view. + +I had a pleasant visit with Mrs. Titus, who seemed overjoyed to see +me. In fact, I had luncheon with her. Mr. Titus, it appeared, never +ate luncheon. He had a dread of typhoid, I believe, and as he already +possessed gout and insomnia and an intermittent tendency to pain in +his abdomen, and couldn't drink anything alcoholic or eat anything +starchy, I found myself wondering what he really did for a living. + +Mrs. Titus talked a great deal about Lord Amberdale. She was most +tiresome after the first half hour, but I must say that the luncheon +was admirable. I happened to be hungry. Having quite made up my mind +that Aline was going to marry Amberdale, I proceeded to upset the +theory that a man in love is a creature without gastronomical +aspirations by vulgarly stuffing myself with half a lamb chop, a slice +of buttered bread and nine pickles. + +"Aline will be glad to see you again, Mr. Smart," said she amiably. +"She was speaking of you only a day or two ago." + +"Was she?" I inquired, with sudden interest which I contrived to +conceal. + +"Yes. She was wondering why you have never thought of marrying." + +I closed my eyes for a second, and the piece of bread finally found +the right channel. + +"And what did you say to that?" I asked quietly. + +She was disconcerted. "I? Oh, I think I said you didn't approve of +marrying except for love, Mr. Smart." + +"Um!" said I. "Love on both sides is the better way to put it." + +"Am I to infer that you may have experienced a one-sided leaning toward +matrimony?" + +"So far as I know, I have been singularly unsupported, Mrs. Titus." + +"You really ought to marry." + +"Perhaps I may. Who knows?" + +"Aline said you would make an excellent husband." + +"By that she means a stupid one, I suppose. Excellent husbands are +invariably stupid. They always want to stay at home." + +She appeared thoughtful. "And expect their wives to stay at home too." + +"On the contrary, an excellent husband lets his wife go where she +likes--without him." + +"I am afraid you do not understand matrimony, Mr. Smart," she said, +and changed the subject. + +I am afraid that my mind wandered a little at this juncture, for I +missed fire on one or two direct questions. Mrs. Titus was annoyed; +it would not be just to her to say that she was offended. If she could +but have known that my thoughts were of the day and minute when I so +brutally caressed the Countess Tarnowsy, I fancy she would have changed +her good opinion of me. To tell the truth, I was wondering just how +the Countess would behave toward me, with the memory of that +unforgettable incident standing between us. I had been trying to +convince myself for a very long time that my fault was not as great +in her eyes as it was in mine. + +Along about five o'clock, I went to my room. I daresay I was sulking. +A polite bell-boy tapped on my door at half-past six. He presented a +small envelope to me, thanked me three or four times, and, as an +afterthought, announced that there was to be an answer. + +Whereupon I read the Countess's note with a magnificently unreadable +face. I cleared my throat, and (I think) squared my shoulders somewhat +as a soldier does when he is being commended for valour, and said: + +"Present my compliments to the Countess, and say that Mr. Smart will +be down in five minutes." + +The boy stared. "The--the what, sir?" + +"The _what_?" I demanded. + +"I mean the _who_, sir." + +"The Countess. The lady who sent you up with this note." + +"Wasn't no Countess sent me up hyer, boss. It was Miss Tarsney." + +Somehow staggered, I managed to wave my hand comprehensively. + +"Never mind. Just say that I'll be down in two minutes." + +He grinned. "I reckon I'd better hustle, or you'll beat me down, boss." + + * * * * * + + + +CHAPTER XXI + +SHE PROPOSES + +She was still in her riding habit when I found her alone in the parlour +of the Titus suite. + +I give you my word my heart almost stopped beating. I've never seen +any one so lovely as she was at that moment. _Never_, I repeat. Her +hair, blown by the kind November winds, strayed--but no! I cannot +begin to define the loveliness of her. There was a warm, rich glow in +her cheeks and a light in her eyes that actually bewildered me, and +more than that I am not competent to utter. + +"You have come at last," she said, and her voice sounded very far off; +although I was lifting her ungloved hand to my lips. She clenched my +fingers tightly, I remember that; and also that my hand shook violently +and that my face _felt_ pale. + +I think I said that I had come at last. She took my other hand in hers +and drawing dangerously close to me said: + +"I do not expect to be married for at least a year, John." + +"I--I congratulate you," I stammered foolishly. + +"I have a feeling that it isn't decent for one to marry inside of two +years after one has been divorced." + +"How is Rosemary?" I murmured. + +"You _are_ in love with me, aren't you, John, dear?" + +"Goo--good heaven!" I gasped. + +"I _know_ you are. That's why I am so sure of myself. Is it asking too +much of you to marry me in a year from--" + +I haven't the faintest notion how long afterward it was that I asked +her what was to become of that poor, unlucky devil, Lord Amberdale. + +"He isn't a devil. He's a dear, and he is going to marry a +bred-in-the-bone countess next January. You will like him, because he +is every bit as much in love with his real countess are you are with +a sham one. He is a bird of your feather. And now don't you want to +come with me to see Rosemary?" + +"Rosemary," I murmured, as in a dream--a luxurious lotus-born dream. + +She took my arm and advanced with me into a room adjoining the parlour. +As we passed through the door, she suddenly squeezed my arm very tightly +and laid her head against my shoulder. + +We were in a small sitting-room, confronting Jasper Titus, his wife +and his tiny grand-daughter, who was ready for bed. + +"You won't have to worry about me any longer, daddy dear," said Aline, +her voice suddenly breaking. + +"Well, I'll be--well, well, well!" cried my late victim of the links. +"Is _this_ the way the wind blows?" + +I was perfectly dumb. My face was scarlet. My dazzled eyes saw nothing +but the fine, aristocratic features of Aline's mother. She was leaning +slightly forward in her chair, and a slow but unmistakable joyous smile +was creeping into her face. + +"Aline!" she cried, and Aline went to her. + +Jasper Titus led Rosemary up to me. + +"Kiss the gentleman, kiddie," said he huskily, lifting the little one +up to me. + +She gave a sudden shriek of recognition, and I took her in my arms. + +"Ha! ha! ha!" laughed I, without the slightest idea of what I was doing +or why I did it. Sometimes I wonder if there has ever been any insanity +in our family. I know there have been fools, for I have my Uncle Rilas's +word for it. + +Mr. Titus picked up the newspaper he had been reading. + +"Listen to this, Allie. It will interest you. It says here that our +friend Tarnowsy is going to marry that fool of a Cincinnati girl we +were talking about the other day. I know her father, but I've never +met her mother. Old Bob Thackery has got millions but he's only got +one daughter. What a blamed shame!" + + * * * * * + +It must be perfectly obvious to you, kind reader, that I am going to +marry Aline Tarnowsy, in spite of all my professed opposition to +marrying a divorcee. I argued the whole matter out with myself, but +not until after I was irrevocably committed. She says she needs me. +Well, isn't that enough? In fact, I am now trying my best to get her +to shorten the probationary period. She has taken off three months, +God bless her, but I still hope for a further and more generous +reduction--for good behaviour! + +THE END + + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's A Fool and His Money, by George Barr McCutcheon + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A FOOL AND HIS MONEY *** + +***** This file should be named 6325.txt or 6325.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/6/3/2/6325/ + +Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team. + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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