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diff --git a/old/62969-0.txt b/old/62969-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 31d6c36..0000000 --- a/old/62969-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,885 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May - -Author: Phil May - -Release Date: August 18, 2020 [EBook #62969] -[Last updated: August 27, 2020] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL: PHIL MAY *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif (This file was produced from images -available at The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - - - HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL - - PHIL MAY - - [Illustration: colophon] - - LONDON: - - “PUNCH” OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. - -[Illustration: PHIL MAY--By Himself.] - -Reproduced from “The History of Punch” by the kind permission of Mr. H. -H. Spielmann, the ownder of the original drawings. - -[Illustration: “AND SHE OUGHT TO KNOW!” - -“That’s supposed to be a Portograph of Lady Solsbary. But, bless yer, it -ain’t like her a bit in Private!”] - -[Illustration: - -PREACHING AND PRACTISING. - -_Lady Bountiful_ (_to old Parishioner_). “I hope you like our New -Clergyman’s Sermons, Mrs. Brown?” - -_Mrs. Brown_: “Oh yes, my Lady, he do Preach quite beautiful; but then, -you see, he don’t Practise. So when my poor old Man be troubled with the -Rheumatics, I have to send for the Doctor in the Village, and it do come -so very expensive!”] - -[Illustration: “PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER.” - -“All right, Sir! My fault!”] - -[Illustration: FOGGY WEATHER. - -“Has Mr. Smith been here?” “Yes; he was here about an hour ago.” “Was I -with him?”] - -[Illustration: “Penny ’Addick.” “Finen?” “No; thick ’un!”] - -[Illustration: A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY. - -“’Ow are yer gettin’ on, Bill?” - -“Ain’t gettin’ on at all. I’m beginnin’ to think as the Publick doesn’t -know what they wants!”] - -[Illustration: BLASÉ - -_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). “‘Once upon a time there was a -frog----’” - -_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). “I bet it’s a Princess! Go on!”] - -[Illustration: CRUEL! - -_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). “Are you Dining -anywhere to-morrow night?” - -_Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely “give himself away”_). “Let me -see”--(_considers_)--“No; I’m not Dining anywhere to-morrow.” - -_Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). “Um! Poor chap! How -Hungry you will be!” - -[“_Exeunt,--severally_.”]] - -[Illustration: “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.” - -“’Arf a pound er Margarine, please; an’ Mother says will yer put the Cow -on it cos she’s got Company!”] - -[Illustration: Q. E. D. - -“Wha’s up wi’ Sal?” “Ain’t yer ’erd? She’s Married agin!”] - -[Illustration: OF VITAL IMPORTANCE. - -“Hi, Billie! _’Ere’s_ Cheap Gloves!”] - -[Illustration: AN IMPORTANT ’JUNCTION. - -“You mind your Fader gets my Boots reddy by Four o’clock, ’cos I’m -goin’ to a Party!”] - -[Illustration: AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION. - -’_Arry_ (_shouting across the street to his “Pal”_) “Hi! Bill! This is -’er!”] - -[Illustration: POLITICS AND GALLANTRY. - -_First ’Arry_: “Hay, wot’s this ’ere Rosebery a torkin’ abaat? Bless’d -if he ain’t a goin’ to do awy with the Lords!” - -_Second ’Arry_: (_more of a Don Juan than a Politician_). “Do awy with -the ’ole bloomin’ lot o’ Lords, if he likes, as long as he don’t do awy -with the Lidies!”] - -[Illustration: THE PLUNGER. - -_First Boy_ _(much interested in the game of Buttons_). “’As ’e lost?” - -_Second Ditto_. “Yes; ’e lost all them Buttons what ’e won off Tommy -Crowther yesterday, an’ then ’e cut all the Buttons off ’is Clothes, and -’e’s lost them too!”] - -[Illustration: _Superior ’Arry_. “Cabbie! To the--aw--the Prince of -Wales’s.” - -_Cabbie_-“Marlbro’ ’Ouse, my Lord?”] - -[Illustration: THE GENIAL SEASON. - -_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). “So glad to -see you enjoying yourself!” - -_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). “Wrong again, old Man. I’m enjoying -my Dinner!”] - -[Illustration: “Look what I’ve bought you for a Christmas Box!”] - -[Illustration: PAST AND PRESENT. - -_Serious and much-Married Man_. “My dear Friend, I _was_ astonished to -hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a ‘Woman with a Past’ you -know!” - -_The Friend_ (_Bachelor “unattached”_). “Well, you see, old Man, she’s -got a first-rate _Chef_, so it isn’t her ‘Past’ but her ‘Re-past’ that I -care about.”] - -[Illustration: Editor of Libellous Rag (who has just received a terrific -but well-deserved kick). “Dud you man thot?” - -_Colonel McMurder_. “Yis, oi _dud_, you thunderin’ villain!” - -_Editor_. “Oh, very well, thot’s all _roight_. Oi t’ought it moight av -been wan o’ thim prac-ta-cle jokes”!] - -[Illustration: “Hi, Billy! are yer Movin’?”] - -[Illustration: SO LIKELY! - -Scene--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._ - -_Barmaid_. “Tea, Sir?” _Mr. Boozy_. “Tea!!! ME!!!!”] - -[Illustration: BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY. - -“Say, Billee, shall we gaver Mushrooms?” - -“Yus. I’m a Beggar to Climb!”] - -[Illustration: _First Boy_. “Give us a Bite of your Apple, Bob.” - -_Second Boy_. “Shan’t.” - -_First Boy_. “What for?” - -_Second Boy_. “’Cos yer axed me!” - -(_After a pause._) - -_Small Boy_. “Gi’ me a Bite, Bob. I never axed yer!”] - -[Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.] - -[Illustration: MAY 1. THE SWEEPS’ FESTIVAL. - -A Study in Black and White. ⁂ Nice for Next Fare.] - -[Illustration: _New Assistant_ (_after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has -been away for a couple of weeks_). “Your ’Air is very thin be’ind, Sir. -Try Singeing!” - -_Jones_ (_after a pause_). “Yes, I think I will.” - -_N.A._ (_after singeing_). “Shampoo, Sir? Good for the ’Air, Sir.” - -_Jones_. “Thank you. Yes.” - -_N.A._ “Your Moustaches curled?” - -_Jones_. “Please.” - -_N.A._ “May I give you a Friction?” - -_Jones_. “Thank you.” - -_N.A._ “Will you try some of our----” - -_Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). “You -Idiot! _He’s_ a Subscriber!!”] - -[Illustration: _Youngster_ (_who has just had a Penny given to him_). -“’Ow much is them Grapes, Mister?” - -_Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). “They are Four Shillings and Sixpence a Pound, -my Lad.” - -_Youngster_. “Well, then, give us a ’A’porth o’ _Carrots_. I’m a _Demon_ -for _Fruit_!”] - -[Illustration: _Ragged Urchin_ (_who has just picked up very short and -dirty end of a Cigarette_). “Hi, Billy! Look ’ere! See what you’ve -missed!”] - -[Illustration: “_Perfeck Lidy_” (_who has just been ejected_). “Well, -_next_ time I goes into a Publickouse, I’ll go somewhere where I’ll be -_respected_!”] - -[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP. - -_First Gossip_. “So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?” - -_Second Gossip_. “Nivver as much as inside t’house. But nobbut wait till -_we_ hev’ a Funeral of us own, an’ _we_’ll show ’em!”] - -[Illustration: SO THAT DOESN’T COUNT. - -“Are you sure they’re quite Fresh?” “Wot a Question to arst! Can’t yer -see they’re Alive?” - -“Yes; but you’re _Alive_, you know!”] - -[Illustration: A SUNDAY DINNER. - -_Father of Family_ (_who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under -the table_). “Mind t’Dog doesn’t get it!” - -_Young Hopeful_ (_triumphantly_). “All right, Feyther! I’ve gotten me -Foot on it!”] - -[Illustration: _Workman_ (_politely, to old Lady, who has accidentally -got into the Smoking Compartment_). “You don’ object to my Pipe, I ’ope -Mum?” - -_Old Lady_. “Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!” - -_Workman_. “Oh! Then out you get!!”] - -[Illustration: REASSURING. - -“Lor’ bless yer, Sir, that’s all right, Sir! _That_ ain’t a Fly, Sir! -_That’s_ a bit of Dirt!”] - -[Illustration: PICKINGS FROM PICARDY. - -After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.] - -[Illustration: MUCH ADO. - -“Mumma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We’s crying! Tum up ’tairs an’ see what’s de matter -wiv us!”] - -[Illustration: A SKETCH FROM LIFE. - -_Chorus_ (_slow music_). “We’ve a rare old--fair old--rickety Crew!”] - -[Illustration: “_Are_ you comin’ ’ome?” - -“I’ll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M’ria--(_hic_)--Bur I _won’t_ -come ’ome.”] - -[Illustration: _Importunate Street Urchin_ (_for the tenth time_). “Gi’ -us a Copper. Sir! Gi’ us a Copper!” - -_Testy Individual_ (_losing patience_). “Oh, go to”--(substitutes a -milder form)--“blazes!” - -_Street Urchin_. “Sure thin an’ I would in this bastly could weather, if -I was only certain o’ comin’ back again!” [_Individual’s testiness -overcome and Urchin rewarded_.]] - -[Illustration: “NICE FOR THE VISITORS.” - -(_Sketch Outisde a Fashionable Hotel_.)] - -[Illustration: _Coster_ (_to acquaintance, who has been away for some -months_). “Wot are yer bin doin’ all this time?” - -_Bill Robbins_ (_who has been “doing time”_). “Oh, I’ve bin Wheelin’ a -bit, Ole Man--Wheelin’ a bit!”] - -[Illustration: THE GREAT PRIZE FIGHT. - -_Johnnie_ (_who finds that his Box, £20, has been appropriated by “the -Fancy”_). “I beg your pardon, but this is _my_ Box!” - -_Bill Basford_. “Oh, is it? Well, why don’t you tike it?”] - -[Illustration: _Fussy Old Lady_. “Now _don’t_ forget, Conductor. I _want -the Bank of England_.” - -_Conductor_. “_All_ right, Mum.” (_Aside_.) “She _don’t_ want _much_, do -she, Mate?”] - -[Illustration: INFORMATION. - -_First ’Arry_ (_with newspaper_). “I say, ’Arry, you’se a Toff. What’s a -‘Collar Day’ at Court?” - -_Second ’Arry_. “Donno ’xactly. Suppose it’s a Saturday when things come -’ome from the Wash.” - -_First ’Arry_. “Oh, I see--‘Clean Collar Day’!”] - -[Illustration: _Little Guttersnipe_ (_who is getting quite used to -posing_). “Will yer want me ter tike my Bun down?”] - -[Illustration: “EVERYTHING COMES TO HIM THAT ‘WAITS.’”] - -[Illustration: THE HEALING ART. - -_Doctor_. “Did you give the Children the Physic I sent last night?” - -_Fond Mother_. “Yes, Sir,” - -_Doctor_. “And how are they to-day?” - -_Fond Mother_. “Well, the little un’s very bad to be sure. But it don’t -seem to ’ave done the t’other un’ no ’Arm as yet!”] - -[Illustration: _Bill Sykes_ (_reading_). “There are now ten men of the -Bechuanaland Border Police in the whole Bechuanaland Protectorate, four -of whom are doing Customs Duty.”] - -[Illustration: _Street Serio_ (_singing_). “Er--yew will think hov me -and Love me has in dies hov long ago-o-o!”] - -[Illustration: _Old Jones_. “Yes, my Boy, _there’s_ Wine for you, eh? I -bought Ten Pounds of it the other day.” - -_Brown_. “What a _lot_ you must have got!”] - -[Illustration: First Newspaper Boy. “Hullo, Bill! Who’s ’e?” - -Second Newspaper Boy. “I suppose ’e’s the North Pole as ’as just been -Discovered!”] - -[Illustration: “What Bait are yer usin’, Billie?” - -“Cheese.” - -“What are yer tryin’ ter catch--Mice?”] - -[Illustration: A BI-METALLISTIC DISCUSSION. - -_Jim_. “What’s this ere ‘Bi-metallism,’ Bill?” - -_Bill_ (_of superior intelligence_). “Well, yer see, Jim, it’s heither a -Licensed Wittlers’ or a Teetotal Dodge. The Wages’ll be paid in Silver, -and no more Coppers. So you can’t get no arf-pint nor hanythink under a -Sixpence or a Thrip’ny. Then you heither leaves it alone, and takes to -Water like a Duck, or you runs up a score.” - -_Jim_. “Ah! But if there ain’t no more Coppers, ’ow about the ’Buses and -the Hunderground Rileway?” - -_Bill_ (_profoundly_). “Ah!” [Left sitting.]] - -[Illustration: _First Genius to Second Genius_. “Why on Earth do you do -your Hair in that absurd Fashion, Smith?”] - -[Illustration: “Oi tell yez Oi will _not_ clane out me Cell. Oi’d lave -the Jail furrst!”] - -[Illustration: _Small Voice from under the Bed_. “_No_, I will _not_ -come out! I tell you, once and for all.” - -Bernesia. “I _will_ be Master in my own House!”] - -[Illustration: _Photographer_. “I think this is an excellent Portrait of -your Wife.” - -_Mr. Smallweed_. “I don’t know--sort of _repose_ about the mouth that -somehow doesn’t seem right”] - -[Illustration: “Where did yer spend yer ’Olidays, Bob?” - -“Souf o’ Frarnce, o’ course!”] - -[Illustration: HOSPITALITY. - -_Spokesman of Working Men’s Club_ (_on the occasion of their Patron’s -first visit_). “And we ’opes, Sir, as this ’ll be _neither_ the _first_ nor -the _last_ time as you’ll dew us the honner of settin’ among us!”] - -[Illustration: SO INVITING!] - -[Illustration: ’_Bus Conductor_, “Emmersmith! Emmersmith! ’Ere ye are! -Emmersmith!” - -’_Liza Ann_. “Oo er yer callin’ Emmer Smith? Sorcy ’ound!”] - -[Illustration: _Enthusiastic Briton_ (_to seedy American, who has been -running down all our National Monuments_). “But even if our Houses of -Parliament ‘aren’t in it,’ as you say, with the Masonic Temple of -Chicago, surely, Sir, you will admit the Thames Embankment, for -instance----” - -_Seedy American_. “Waal, _guess_ I don’t think so durned much of your -Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I -_slep_ on it.”] - -[Illustration: “Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his Career in the -Past has not been free from Blemish----”] - -[Illustration: FASHIONABLE AND SEASONABLE. - -Where to Sup _al fresco_ in the Hottest Weather. The “_Whelkome_ Club.”] - -[Illustration: “Tell your Fortune, Pretty Gentleman?”] - -[Illustration: _Clerk of Booking-Office._ “There is -_no_ First Class by this Train, Sir.” - -’_Arry_. “Then wot are _we_ going ter do, Bill?”] - -[Illustration: “THE ANCHOR’S WEIGHED.” - -(_Sketched on an Excursion Steamer._)] - -[Illustration: SOCIAL EVOLUTION - -_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but inquisitive Lady_). “Well you see, Mum, it -were like this. I were a ’Addick Smoker by profession; then I got ill, -and ’ad to go to the ’Orspital; then I sold Cats’ Meat; but some’ow or -other I got into _low water!_”] - -[Illustration: A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY.] - -[Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS. - -_Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.” - -_Driver_. “_I_ can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”] - -[Illustration: “Poor likkle Doggie--hasn’t got any Fevvers on!”] - -[Illustration: THE MOTOR ’BUS. - -_Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.” - -_Driver_. “I can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”] - -[Illustration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE. - -_Stout Coster_. “Where are yer goin’ to, Bill?” - -_Bill_. “Inter the Country for a nice Drive, bein’ Bank ’Olidy.” - -_Stout Coster_. “Same ’ere. I sy! don’t yer think we might swop Misseses -just for a few Hours? It would be so much kinder to the Hanimile!”] - -[Illustration: _Sexton_ (_to a Divine, who was spending his holidays in -the country, and who, on the sudden illness of the Village Parson, -volunteered to take the duties_). “A worse Preacher would have done for -us, Sir, _but we couldn’t get one_!”] - -[Illustration: ZOOLOGY. - -“That’s a Porkypine, Sarah.” - -“No, it ain’t, Bill. It’s a Orstridge!”] - -[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.] - -[Illustration: 79 SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.] - -[Illustration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS. - -“Oh, rest you merry Gentleman, May nothing you dismay!”] - -[Illustration: “A STUDY IN EXPRESSION.”] - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL: PHIL MAY *** - -***** This file should be named 62969-0.txt or 62969-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/9/6/62969/ - -Produced by Chuck Greif (This file was produced from images -available at The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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