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diff --git a/old/62422-0.txt b/old/62422-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e4127ce..0000000 --- a/old/62422-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3115 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 30, -February, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 30, February, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: June 18, 2020 [EBook #62422] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, FEB 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 30, February, 1922 - - - - -_They’re Going Fast!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the back page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought =anywhere= in the United States within ten -days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - FEBRUARY, 1922 Vol. III. No. 30 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1922 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - - _Gentle readers, wet your lips, for whilst with dry tongues - thou art yearning, your obedient servant, Bilious Billy, is in - the land of liberty—personal and otherwise—basking in Cuba’s - sunny clime, in Havana, sucking soda through a straw! Soda! - Sure, soda with a dash in it. When we grow tired of fast horses - and saintly senoritas, it will be back again to the big pines - of northern Minnesota for the fishing season at Breezy Point - Lodge. You know, folk, in the winter we Minnesotans can’t fish, - as our Norwegian friends would say._ - -Well, boys and girls, here I am on the road again—just like a wandering -Jew. In making my present departure from Robbinsdale, I didn’t know -whether I was coming to Montreal or going to Cuba. - -The high cost of coal in Robbinsdale made me long for summer at Miami -Beach, where there is no charge for hot rolls in the sand and a little -chicken nearby. Then again I was reminded of having seen Willie and -Mollie playing in the sand, indulging in youthful folly. The sand was -terribly hot on Willie’s back and the sun was hot tamale. - -Woke up in Chicago with an ice-pack attached to my fevered brow, and -appreciating that the United States is the land of personal liberty I -hied forth towards Miami to see if I might not be able to obtain a “wee -snifter.” Miami is now the legal home of William Jennings Bryan and I did -not have much luck in satisfying an unquenchable thirst. Anyway, if I -did, it wouldn’t be nice to tell about. Mr. Bryan may have something to -do with keeping Miami and the State of Florida bone-dry—which it isn’t—so -more power to him. Florida may be dry, but in the unmortal words of our -snuff-chewing hired man, I am pleased to report that there are a lot of -“damp rascals” here. - -Understand the Floridians are seriously considering Bryan for United -States Senator. Had the pleasure today of driving through the backyard of -the Commoner’s palatial home, but all I could see was the rear door and -his smokehouse. Mr. Bryan was too busy addressing a Baptist convention to -even invite me to lunch. Tomorrow he is slated for a Bible talk in the -city park and if I get up in time, and feel all right, shall listen to -his discourse. (Later, didn’t get up in time.) - - * * * * * - -After leaving Chicago I stopped at Atlanta for a few days’ sojourn. -Here we struck nice warm sunshine. The Atlanta ladies are a genial lot, -but their costuming somewhat crashes with the constitutional scheme of -affairs as laid down by the eighteenth amendment. Their hats are full of -cocktails—and sometimes also their heads, I am told. In fact, a bird of -paradise plume is quite in vogue in Atlanta. - -The information is also vouchsafed that some Atlanta girls are born -foolish, while others marry. - -Overheard a rather humorous remark of a local celebrity, Clayt Robson -by name, one evening in the lobby of the Kimball house. Robson is a -well-known Georgian lobbyist and political boss, who is considered a -power in the present state administration. Clayt jokingly spluttered to a -group of friends that “I was twenty-one years old and grown-up before I -knew that ‘damned Yankee’ was two words.” - -My visit to Atlanta brought to memory a conversation I had with Cole S. -Blease, former governor of South Carolina, about four years ago. The -governor very kindly invited me to his suite in the Selwyn hotel at -Charlotte, N. C., to partake of his private twenty-year-old stock. While -“killing” the quart of medicine, the subject of Atlanta came to the -front. Here is the Bleasian description of the South’s largest city, as -nearly as I can remember: - - “_Atlanta is a hell-hole of perdition. It is no place for a - virtuous woman or an honest man._” - -I cannot quite agree with Mr. Blease, for Atlanta treated me royally. The -girlies here I found to be of true Southern stock—very shy and rather -demure. I once heard the late “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman remark that the -only family tree he could boast was that the women were virtuous and -the men reasonably brave. From my cursory observations this description -fairly fits Atlanta. - -From Atlanta our next stop was Jacksonville. Went for a joyride here, -which ended in a thrilling though harmless smashup. Upon picking myself -from out the wreckage, I thanked the kindly doctor for a safe delivery. -Which calls to mind these lines by Lincoln, or some other noted personage: - - _Oh why should the spirit of mortal be proud?_ - _As he rides in his swift-flying car like a cloud,_ - _A break in the axle, a bust in the tire,_ - _He passeth from life to the heavenly choir._ - - * * * * * - -As a deer hunter, I’m a good farmer. Spent ten days tramping the -windfalls in the neighborhood of Breezy Point Lodge without even seeing -a deer. Saw plenty of polecats, bobcats and house cats, and nearly -captured a “porky.” I learned lots about the habits and habitations of -the northern pine animals and finally managed to knock down a “spike -buck” (whatever that means) on the last day of the hunting season. Must -admit the buck almost shook hands with me before I was able to knock him -over. However, I had a very good guide, Arthur Foote by name, but better -known as “Panther Pete.” Pete has earned a regular living for twenty-five -years as a trapper and deer hunter, and I am sure that the small buck -never would have fallen for me had he not enticed the animal to leave his -forest retreat. - - * * * * * - -While touring the San Francisco underworld as the guest of the police -vice squad on my recent tour of the Pacific coast, we encountered what -the police considered a suspicious party. - -He was one of those dapper young men with a red necktie that frequent -this section of Famous Frisco. - -“What’s your occupation?” asked one of the policemen of the young man. - -“I’m a business man,” was the answer as the young man started to trip -blithely away. - -“Wait a minute,” said the cop. “I never saw a business man walk like -that.” - -“Oh,” replied the dapper youth, “but you don’t know what kind of business -I’m in!” - -Thirty days for him. - - * * * * * - -During my recent rampage about the American continent it was my pleasure -to appreciate the service of Tiajuana, and I could not resist the -temptation to contrast this Mexican village with the Canadian metropolis, -Montreal. In Montreal I enjoyed a bottle of Pol Roger champagne without -being a law breaker, even though it cost me ten cents for a two by -four sandwich. From Montreal I hustled to the deer hunting regions of -northern Minnesota and found no champagne or other imported wines, but -plenty of “mountain dew.” With all due respect to Mr. Andrew J. Volstead, -our Minnesota congressman, there is today in this grand and glorious land -of the free and home of the brave more rotten booze than it was ever my -lot to drink in the pre-prohibition days. - -But to get back to my deer hunting expedition, I must admit that the deer -were scarce but— - - _But there were polecats and goosehawks,_ - _And a four-legged cow;_ - _Wild pigs and wild boars,_ - _And a thing like a sow._ - _There were thousands of screech owls,_ - _Turkey buzzards and quail,_ - _And a little black jack-ass_ - _With a damnable tail,_ - _With their fol de dol dol_ - _And fol de dol day._ - - * * * * * - -While flivvering out near Golden Valley, Minnesota, I dropped in at the -farm of my old friend, John Foss, to pass the time of day. I noticed a -drove of hogs on his timber lot acting peculiar. They would run up to a -tree and squeal like mad, then leave that tree and go to another and do -the same thing, continuing in their mad scamper around the timber lot. - -“What makes them act that way?” I asked John. - -“Well,” replied old man Foss, “last winter I had a throat infection and -lost the power of speech for a month or more and couldn’t call them to -their feed, so I taught them to come by rapping on a post or a tree, and -now the darn woodpeckers are setting them crazy.” - - * * * * * - -At Breezy Point Lodge I have an old gray mare and I love to sing this -melody of my boyhood days: - - _The old gray mare_ - _She sits on the single tree,_ - _Sits on the whipple tree,_ - _Sits on the single tree._ - -And, believe me, her greatest indoor and outdoor sport is sitting on the -single tree. - - * * * * * - -Up in the deer hunting grounds of northern Minnesota the jack-pine -savages are still singing that old familiar ditty about the much -maligned, bird—the woodpecker. These heart throbbing words peal gently -through the evening air: - - _“I stuck my finger in a woodpecker’s hole,_ - _And the woodpecker said: ‘Gosh darn your soul,’_ - _‘Take it out; take it out; take it out; take it out.’”_ - - * * * * * - -The other day I was riding on a street car in Minneapolis. Sitting -opposite me was a very pretty young lady who had a poodle dog in her lap. -Bluenose lady sitting next to the girl addressed her thusly: “My, what -a nasty little dog. Don’t you think, my young lady, it would look much -nicer if you had a little baby in your lap?” - -“No,” the pretty one replied in calm even tones, “it wouldn’t. You see -I’m not married.” - - * * * * * - -Chief Bloberger surveyed a party of hoboes coming down the Great Northern -tracks. - -“Here they come, hog fat and crummy, short pipes and red noses. Won’t -work, ain’t allowed to shoot ’em, and if you don’t feed ’em they’ll burn -your barn daown.” - - * * * * * - -Extra! Extra! - -Ladies and gentlemen: Don’t fail to be in Robbinsdale next Tuesday at -four o’clock A. M. to witness the daring feat of Peter, our hired man. -This brave snoose-grinding son of toil will endeavor to dive off the top -of the highest building in Robbinsdale into a six-foot tank of solid -concrete, playing the ukelele, eating raw liver and keeping perfect time. -The spectacular dive by Pete will be for a worthy cause. All proceeds -from the entertainment will be donated to the starving plumbers of -Chicago. Admission free. - - * * * * * - -Took my wife into a store to assist her in buying a new hat. Like all -women, she tried on nearly every hat in the store. In desperation the -salesman appealed to me with this remark: “How would you like me to try -a sailor for your wife?” Having been in the army for many years, I felt -like suggesting a soldier, for this insulting salesman. Needless to say, -the sale was not made. - - * * * * * - -On my recent visit to New York I had the pleasure of the company of Mr. -H. A. D’Arcy, author of “The Face Upon the Floor,” which we misnamed -in past issues “The Face Upon the Barroom Floor.” This masterpiece -undoubtedly stands first among popular present day poems, judging -from the many requests we received from Whiz Bang readers for its -republication. To Ye Editor Mr. D’Arcy told the history of how “The Face -Upon the Floor” was inspired: - - “Away back in the early 80’s Union Square in New York was - called ‘The Rialto’ agreeable to the fact that it was the - theatrical center of America. On the corner of Fourth avenue - and Fourteenth street, a very excellent saloon was run by Joe - Schmidt and it was kept fairly full from noon to midnight with - respectable members of the sock and buskin, and amusement - promoters. One Saturday evening in August, 1887, a table in - front of the bar was occupied by a bunch of managers. We were - combining business with pleasure, booking time and enjoying the - very excellent beer and spirits available in those happy days. - It was probably about 11 o’clock when a mendicant shambled in - and approached our table. With a sad, husky voice, he said, - ‘Gentlemen, I want a drink.’ All eyes were turned to the - derelict and someone at the table offered one of the untasted - glasses of whisky which was quickly swallowed. Joe behind the - bar yelled, ‘Get out.’ - - “The waiter in front quickly seized the beggar and threw him - out of the swinging door; to make the situation more dramatic, - a rough haired terrier dog named ‘Toby’ and pet of the saloon - jumped at the poor devil and fastened on his pants. ‘Toby’ - always thought it his duty to chase poor people, and had an - innate antipathy to jumpers or pants not duly pressed. - - “Well, several of the party got up from the table and went out - to see what had happened to the poor wretch. He was lying on - the sidewalk with his face halfway in the gutter. We gathered - him up, brushed him off a little, wiped his face and someone - went into the saloon and brought out another drink of whisky. - Several coins were carefully dropped into the inside pocket of - his coat. This was done surreptitiously so that he would not - know the money was there until the tomorrow. As we left him on - a door step next door I asked what his trade was and he managed - to tell me he was an artist. I held that this man was not a - professional beggar, a derelict true, but probably had once - been a talented man. The argument was taken up by several other - gentlemen in the room and waxed warm until I got angry and with - a curt “good night” bolted out of the saloon. On my way home, - I determined to write up the story in such a way as would make - my argument good and satisfy Joe Schmidt that I was not wholly - chicken-hearted. I also was pretty sure of winning the fair - hostess to my way of thinking. As I walked along I composed in - my mind the first two lines: - - _“’Twas a balmy summer evening and a goodly crowd was there,_ - _That well-nigh filled Joe’s bar-room on the corner of the - Square.”_ - - “The measure was a happy iambic tetrameter and fitted the - story, and before going to bed, I jotted down the first two - lines which I have always found the hardest to compose, next - day I finished the story. When Joe read it, I saw tears in his - eyes. It was published in the New York Dispatch. Joe bought a - hundred copies of the paper and sent 25 to the Buffalo Bill - Co. who were playing in London and among whom both he and I - had many friends. Cody and Major Burke circulated the copies - among their theatrical friends and before many months three - vaudevillians were reciting the poem at the big music halls, - then Sam Bernard set America crazy with it and yet after over - thirty years, it is still a popular ‘act’ and wins excellent - booking. - - “I have been often told that my story set the pace for - prohibition. I sincerely hope not. If I thought that I had - helped that unfortunate law, I would walk down to the dock and - kick myself into the river. ‘The Face Upon the Floor’ is not - a temperance story, but an admonition to the world, not to - despise the unfortunate derelict.” - -In this issue we are pleased to publish another poem by Mr. D’Arcy and -have his promise of more to follow. And let me add, I found Mr. D’Arcy -a regular fellow, well met, an excellent conversationalist and a fine -reminder of the good old days. - - * * * * * - -Gus, our ex-hired man, escorted a petite young lady to her apartment. - -“Just as I was putting my arm around her,” Gus reports, “a man walked in.” - -“My gawsch, my husband!” exclaimed the girl. - -“Oh, busy honey?” the intruder remarked, as he walked out. - - * * * * * - -Our new hired man, Ikey, from the cities, is so absentminded that when he -went in the stable to saddle a horse, he was surprised to find, after a -half hour’s work, that he had the saddle on himself and he spent another -half hour in vain trying to climb on his own back. - - * * * * * - -The Wa-hoo-wa Bird - -Ladies and Gentlemen, I take great pleasure in presenting to you the -Wa-hoo-wa Bird. The only bird of its kind in captivity today. This -strange bird comes from the far off shores of the Isle of Borneo where -it rears its young among the crannies and crags of the mountainous -coastline. Now the particular strange thing about this bird is that it -only mates once every one hundred years, and after having mated, it -crawls, half drags, half flies, until it gets itself to the topmost -pinnacle of the long, tall, lofty rubber tree. Casting its eyes to the -heavens it cries in tones of ecstacy “Wa-hoo-wa,” which, translated in -the language of the natives, means “My Gawsch, Mamma, ain’t love grand!” - - * * * * * - -Deciding the Race - -Pat and Mike were to run a race to a tree by different routes. - -Pat—“If oi get there first oi’ll make a mark on the tree with this chalk, -Mike, and if you get there first you rub it off.” - - * * * * * - -The Old Boy’s Chatter - -The fellow who marries a bow-legged girl these days has no excuse that he -can’t see what he’s getting. - - * * * * * - -He doesn’t dress so neat on work days, but he wears his new hat on his -week end. - - * * * * * - -This Bends in the Middle - -Santa Claus played a dirty trick on the bow-legged girls, didn’t he? - -Why? - -See what he put in their stockings! - - * * * * * - -Another Version of It - -No matter how pretty a bow-legged girl may be; she is always in bad shape. - - * * * * * - -Did you ever go to the postoffice to attend the graduation exercises of a -correspondence school class? - - * * * * * - -The Charity Bazaar - -“How much am I offered for this pie?” sang out the auctioneer. - -“Six bits,” one youth bid. - -“Who will make it eighty? Just imagine, you get the girl and all!” - -“Say, mister,” ejaculated the youth, “what kind of pie is it you’re -selling?” - - * * * * * - -Shed Tears, Brothers - - Yep, I’ve quit th’ holdup game, - I’ll hang ’round joints no more. - So with a sigh - And a faint little cry - The garter stretched out on the floor! - - * * * * * - -Our Monthly Maxim - -A bell’s a bell even though it is on a cow. - - * * * * * - -Our Monthly Toast - - For fill up your glasses, - And fill ’em up full, - And drink to the health - Of the Pedigreed Bull. - - * * * * * - -Indoor Sports - -(From “The Blue Lagoon,” a novel.) - -Her ears were small and like little white shells. He would take one -between finger and thumb and play with it as if it were a toy, pulling at -the lobe of it or trying to flatten out the curved part. Her breasts, her -shoulders, her knees, her little feet, every bit of her, he would examine -and play with and kiss. She would lie and let him, seeming absorbed in -some far-away thought, of which he was the object; then all at once her -arms would go round him. All this used to go on in the broad light of -day, under the shadow of the artu leaves, with no one to watch except the -bright-eyed birds in the leaves above. - - * * * * * - -Not In Robbinsdale - -Hello, is this the chief of the Fire Department? - -Yes, this is the chief. - -Well, my house is on fire. - -How long has it been burnin’? - -Half hour. - -Did you try puttin’ water on it? - -Yes, but it won’t go out. - -Then ’taint no use in us comin’ over, because that’s all we could do. -G’Bye! - - * * * * * - -Women are the greatest edition in the world and no man should be without -a copy. - - * * * * * - -Parlor Story - -A southern restaurant serves eggs with all meat orders. A patron ordered -pork chops. - -“Boss, how do yo’ all want yo’ eggs,” inquired the waiter. - -“Oh, you can eliminate the eggs.” - -The waiter repeated the order to the colored chef and added “liminate dem -eggs.” - -The chef scratched his head. “Sambo, yo tell dat customer ah ain’t got no -time this mawning to liminate dem eggs and that he all will have to have -dem cooked some oder way.” - - * * * * * - -Speaking About Atrocities - -The occupants of the parlor car of the limited were startled by the -abrupt entrance of two masked bandits. “T’row up yer hands,” commanded -the bigger of the two. “We’re gonna rob all the gents and kiss all the -gals.” - -“No, pardner,” responded the smaller one gallantly, “We’ll rob all the -gents but we’ll leave the ladies alone.” - -“Mind your own business, young fellow,” snapped a female passenger of -uncertain age, “The big man’s robbing this train.” - - * * * * * - -Pat’s Practical Piety - -The ice in the river was thin as Pat started to “feel” his way across. -Every time Pat put down his right foot he muttered reverently “Praise the -Lord,” and as the left foot hit the thin ice, “The devil ain’t such a bad -man.” - -At the other side of the river, Pat, with a sigh of relief, turned back -and said “Tuhel with both of yez.” - - * * * * * - -Useless Effort - -Paddy Ryan in Ireland inherited a pile of money and decided to tour -France. He hired a guide who steered him up a mountain. After a full -day’s climb they reached the summit. - -“See ze beautiful valley,” said the guide to Paddy, pointing below. - -“Sure,” stormed the Irishman, “if it’s so dom beautiful in the valley -what the divil for did you bring me ’way up here?” - - * * * * * - -And He Got It - -“You are working too hard,” said a policeman to a man who was drilling a -hole in a safe at 2:00 o’clock in the morning. - -“What do you mean?” asked the burglar in a disconcerted tone. - -“I mean you need arrest,” answered the policeman. - - * * * * * - -It Rained Keys, Bo! - -I met a wonderful girl yesterday afternoon, and she invited me up to -her apartment. That night she told me to stand in front of the door and -whistle three times and she would throw down the key. - -Boys, I never saw so many keys in all my life. - - * * * * * - -I could print a lot of real funny stories, but what’s the use, you would -only laugh at them. - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the first thing that turns green in the -spring?—=_Uppan Attim_=. - -Christmas jewelry. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captun_=: My kid brother’s a great chicken chaser. He came home -late last night all dizzy; d’you think he was drinkin’ or what’s the -matter?—=_Ida Sinkey_=. - -‘Swimmin’ in the head. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang Bill_=—Is there much food values in dates?—=_Ona Dyett_=. - -It all depends on who you make them with. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—What is a Sly Oodle?—=_Nat. U. List_=. - -’Tis a small weasel that sleeps in the crotch of a tree, and swallows its -nose to keep it from freezing. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—A fellow asked me a funny question the other day. -Why is a crow? Seems sort of silly. Do you know the answer?—=_M. T. -Kann_=. - -That’s easy. Caws. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a Nabisco?—=_Ray Vaughan_=. - -It consists of two pieces of tissue paper with a little honey between. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Would it hurt me to sleep between two -windows?—=_I. Foozle_=. - -You would have a “pane” on the chest and back, and a “catch” on your side. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is a good name for a new college sorority?—=_Al -E. Wrat_=. - -I. Phelta Thi. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is a sculptor?—=_Cant E. Lope_=. - -A man that makes faces and busts. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is dust?—=_Hose Ette_=. - -Mud with the juice squeezed out. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Is hair tonic a good drink?—=_J. Fewbrains_=. - -Would advise you not to drink hair tonic as it will raise a mustache on -your appendix and if you should laugh you would tickle yourself to death. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—Please inform me where milk comes from.—=_A City -Girl_=. - -From cow faucets. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—If my father was a duke and my mother was a duchess, -what would that make me?—=_Watts D. Yoos_=. - -Why, I guess you would be Duke’s Mixture. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—Tell me something interesting about auction -bridge.—=_Adeline Moore_=. - -All we know about is Brooklyn Bridge, and that is just one long suspense. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capn._=—What did my beau mean when he told me he would meet me in -the future?—=_Sarah Desert_=. - -Probably he meant in the pasture. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is a drydock?—=_Torchy_=. - -A physician who won’t give us prescriptions. - - * * * * * - -The Farm That Bull Built - - Oh! over the hill to Robbinsdale, - For a slap on the back and a hearty hail. - Where the cows do tricks in the new mown hay, - And the Bull is thrown in a very quaint way. - - Where Gus is tired from morn till night, - And the old silo is always tight. - Where the chickens sing and the roosters crow, - And the corn does a hoe-down row on row. - - So up the road to the Whiz Bang farm - Where the onions grow but do no harm. - It’s a merry crowd that slings the hoe - On Billy’s farm. Come gang let’s go. - - * * * * * - -_They tell me people are so tough in South St. Paul they play -Tiddly-Winks with the sewer covers. Zatright?_ - - * * * * * - -Fable of a Poodle - -Once there was a guy who wished that he was a rich woman’s lap-dog, when -suddenly a Great Genii appeared before him and granted his wish, telling -him that any time he wished to be changed back to a man, he should slip -out of the rich lady’s house and come to the home of the Genii, in a -distant part of the city. - -Being only a dog, he soon grew tired of his pampered life, and since he -was really a dog, the kisses and petting of his pretty mistress failed to -produce the “kick” that he had anticipated. - -So, he slipped out of the house, and found himself on a broad and -spacious avenue, lined with trees, telegraph poles and iron fence posts. - -Now, that was many moons ago, but up to the present writing, the little -doggie has not reached the Genii’s house to be changed back to a man. - -MORAL: It’s a poor wish that won’t work two ways. - - * * * * * - -French Proverbs - -(Selected by Rev. G. L. Morrill.) - -_Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do -with them._ - -_Since Cupid is represented with a torch in his hand, why did they place -virtue on a barrel of gunpowder?_ - -_A woman forgives everything but the fact that you do not covet her._ - -_Fools never understand people of wit._ - - * * * * * - -Outside the Show - -“Hello, Bill, how did you enjoy the show last night?” - -“Fine, Joe. Wasn’t that some pippin in the bathing suit?” - -“Yep, Bill!” - -“Well, I saw her without the suit on today.” - -!!!!!——————(street clothes?) - - * * * * * - -Familiarity Breeds Contempt - -John Philip Sousa traveled six thousand miles to hear the celebrated -chimes of an English church. As he was drawing near the place the -wonderful chimes rang out, and enraptured, Sousa exclaimed to the driver -of the vehicle, “You folk are indeed fortunate to live within sound of -those heavenly chimes.” - -“I can’t hear a word you say,” shouted the driver irritably, “them d—— -bells deafen me.” - - * * * * * - -As You Were - -Sexton—“Dogs are not allowed here, sir.” - -Visitor—“That’s not my dog.” - -Sexton—“Not your dog? Why, he’s following you.” - -Visitor—“Well, so are you.” - - * * * * * - -We Pull Lots of These - -A cross-eyed man at a dance hall said “May I have the next dance, -please?” Two girls answered as with one voice, “With pleasure.” - - * * * * * - -That Reminds Me - -Algernon—Dearest, I could sit here forever gazing into your charming eyes -and listening to the wash of the ocean. - -The Girl—That reminds me, Honey. I have a laundry bill and I’m dead broke. - - * * * * * - -There’s one thing I can’t eat for breakfast and that is supper. - - * * * * * - -While a darky was being led to the gallows a crowd of people ran past him. - -“What yo all running fo?” yelled Sambo after them, “Dey ain’t nothin’ -gwine to happen till ah gets dere.” - - * * * * * - -He is so stingy he goes to the postoffice to fill his fountain pen. - - * * * * * - -April Fool - -Johnny (running into the room of his mother on April 1st)—“Mama, there’s -a strange man kissing our maid.” - -Mother—“What, a strange man?” - -Johnny—“April fool, it’s only papa.” - - * * * * * - -Curbstone Comedy - -He stopped the balky car. - -“Honey, I must get out and spank the engine over the ears.” - -“Oh, engine-ears!” - - * * * * * - -We Pass - -The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled look. - -“Your face is familiar to me, but I can’t place you,” she said. - -“Let bygones be bygones, baby,” replied the soldier, “I used to be a -policeman.” - - * * * * * - -Riddle-de-doot! - -Where did you get that rose? - -That isn’t a rose, that’s a geranium. - -No, it isn’t. It’s a rose. - -I said it’s a geranium. - -How do you spell it? - -It’s a rose all right. - - * * * * * - -_My girl has Pullman teeth._ - -_One upper and one lower._ - - * * * * * - -Colorado Springs is sure some town. Had to go up to the city hall to get -a permit from the mayor to play a game of dominoes. - - * * * * * - -This wash board is a hundred years old. - -Yes, it surely is wrinkled. - - * * * * * - -Punctuation - -“Men are naturally grammatical.” - -“Yes?” - -“When they see an abbreviated skirt they always look after it for a -period.” - - * * * * * - -Chalk Up One Error - -Chicago.—Mrs. R. Kelly sat watching a thrilling movie. Without taking her -eyes off the film, she landed an uppercut on the jaw of the man sitting -next to her. “I must have made a mistake,” Jake Cohen told the judge. “I -didn’t know I put my hand on her knee!” - - * * * * * - -Remember This One? - - The first scene is that of a gambler, - Who has lost all his money at play; - Takes his dead mother’s ring from her finger - Which she wore on her wedding day, - His last earthly treasure he stakes it - Bows his head the shame he may hide. - When they raised up his head, - They found he was dead - ’Tis a picture from life’s other side. - - * * * * * - -“Say, Mr. Jones, what do you want to get married for?” - -“Because I don’t want my name to die out.” - - * * * * * - - “You don’t love me any more,” - She sobbed and bowed her head. - “What tuhel’s the difference,” - The villainous rascal said. - - * * * * * - -A cat, mistaking a ball of wool for a meat ball, swallowed it, and sure -enough when she had kittens they had on sweaters. - - * * * * * - -Child’s is a great place to eat. Went in there yesterday and amongst the -dirty dishes on the table I found thirty cents. - - - - -_Movie Hot Stuff_ - - -These be dull days in the movie and even the stage world. The dark -clouds of the Arbuckle case still hang over the two “arts,” thanks to -the obdurate lady juror who caused a disagreement in the San Francisco -trial. The pleasantly informal old days, when Wallie Reid could run up to -’Frisco and pelt eggs upon pedestrians from the fourteenth floor of the -St. Francis Hotel, are long past. One simply =_has_= to be circumspect -these days. - -After Whiz Bang’s comments upon the way the New York stage was getting -away with salaciousness came a police investigation of “The Demi-Virgin,” -the gentle whimsy with the strip poker game. The farce was severely -condemned by the police commissioner—but it is still running and to -crowded houses. The risque plays have had one or two additions since we -wrote last. - -For instance, there’s David Belasco’s adaptation of the French farce, -“Kiki,” with a little gutter gamin of the French music hall as its -heroine. Mr. Belasco has substituted the word marriage for liaison -throughout but the intent is there—and the lines, oh, boy! Once Kiki -remarks “The men are like cats—they follows us as though our veins were -full of catnip!” Then there is a whole act in which Kiki—posing as a -rigid somnambulist—is carried and tossed about by the various members of -the cast, all the time dressed only in a simple pair of open work pajamas. - -We aren’t intimating that “Kiki” isn’t entertaining. It is. But, the -latitude they get away with! Meanwhile the censors go on cutting out -bathing girls from our films and making sure there is no indication ever -shown that babies are born. - - * * * * * - -Charlie Ray, spats, cane, trick overcoat with its fur collar, et al., -has been making his first visit to New York and not creating a ripple -of interest. Of course, friend wife was along. We saw Ray strolling up -Fifth Avenue the other day—and nobody knew the ornate pedestrian as the -simple country boy of the films. They tell me that Ray takes himself -very seriously and left the cynical New York reporters dizzy with his -confessions about his “mission in life.” - - * * * * * - -Jack Pickford continues to loiter about New York. There are all sorts of -rumors linking Jack up with pretty Marilyn Miller o’ the Follies. Marilyn -lost her husband, Frank Carter, in an auto accident some time ago and is -as pleasant a little widow as the White Lights possess. Maybe Marilyn -has an eye towards the screen. By the way, those reports of an impending -family event in the Fairbanks family still persists. What could be nicer? - - * * * * * - -Poor Eric von Stroheim! We sympathize with him despite his Junker -physiognomy. He is telling sad tales of his treatment at the hands of -Universal. After finishing “Foolish Wives,” they took the negative away -from him, hired somebody or other to cut it—and Eric came on to New York -to find out where he stood. - -At last reports he is still trying to find out. Overheard him in a hotel -recently telling his troubles. Now and then a tear splashed in the soup. -You see, they have taken his brain child—his masterpiece—away and are -letting some cruel inartistic outsider cut it any old way. It seems that -Carl Laemmle, prexy of Universal, became irate over the way “Foolish -Wives” cost money and never seemed to finish. Eric says they put all -sorts of obstructions in his way. They locked cutting room doors, held -up his pet plans, and all that, according to Eric. Finally—whisper, for -it may only be a pipe dream—Eric organized and armed his army of extras -after the fashion of Mr. William Hohenzollern and presented an ultimatum. -He got what he wanted. Pause to consider the news story that nearly came -out of Universal. Suppose Eric had cut the communication wires, tried -military gas on the officials and made the studio into an armed camp. It -sounds fishy, of course, but have you ever met the tense Mr. Von Stroheim? - -At that we feel awfully sorry for him. He =_has_= unusual directorial -ability and he is—or was—the one able person at Universal. And now, after -making “Foolish Wives,” which, if it doesn’t get barred by the censors, -ought to be a whirlwind, he seems to be getting the gate. - - * * * * * - -Aren’t those morality clauses the high minded movie producers are -inserting into their actor contracts the bunk? Imagine the nerve. Will -Rogers gave the best summary when he declared, “Say, if any one hands me -a contract with one of them clauses, I’ll say, you sign it first.” He is -in New York doing a turn on the Ziegfeld roof. The best line of his act -is: “I’m the only guy who ever went to California and came back with the -same wife.” - - * * * * * - -One of the funniest kick backs from the Arbuckle case occurred at -Vitagraph, where they had Maclyn Arbuckle (no relation to Fatty), under -contract to be co-starred in “The Prodigal Judge,” which he had played -for years on the stage. Just as the picture was completed, a little San -Francisco scandal broke. Vitagraph decided that it couldn’t afford to -feature Mr. Maclyn =_Arbuckle_= at this time. This despite the fact that -Mr. Maclyn was a well known star before Fatty was ever heard of. But -luckily he had a sense of humor. So he said, “Oh, well (maybe it wasn’t -exactly that), you can’t buck such reasoning,” and let his name go into -tiny type. - - * * * * * - -Very Well - - I said she’d made with me a hit— - Very well. - Perhaps I was a trifle lit— - Very well. - I told her that she was divine, - She let me hold her hand in mine, - In short—I handed out my line - Very well. - - I whispered softly in her ear, - Very well. - ’Twas, how appropriately! dear— - Very well. - I drew her snugly to my breast, - While she, not daring to protest - Cleaned out the pockets of my vest. - Very well. - - * * * * * - -A Tough Steak - -Cannibal No. 1—What makes the chief such a bunk spreader? - -Cannibal No. 2—He just ate the editor of Whiz Bang. - - * * * * * - -Nah, Nah! - -“Is my wife forward?” asked the passenger on the Limited. - -“She wasn’t to me sir,” answered the conductor politely. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Hats off to a real man of the cloth. The Rev. D. H. Jones has resigned -the pulpit of Huntington Park, California, Baptist Church, because of the -fanatical attempts of his flock to enforce Sunday closing. - - “I prefer to dwell with the worldling and be true to my inner - self than to live with the saint and betray it,” Reverend Jones - says. - - “There is a way to make the church the super-attraction; but - it will never be done by coercing the consciences of men. The - Cross of Christ is proving to be the greatest magnet in the - world, but use it as a club, and it will become a colossal - failure.” - - “Killed professionally, yes. But, frankly, I would rather be a - man than a minister. Character is greater than profession.” - - “I would just as soon believe that the perfume of the rose - comes from the polecat as to believe that the spirit of the - blue laws comes from God.” - - “Christ whipped men out of the church, but never into it. - ‘Professional reformers’ and ‘Christian lobbyists’ at - Washington may mean well, but most of them are misguided - swivel-chair heroes of the Cross.” - - “‘Close every door except the church’s,’ cries the reformer, - forgetting that open hearts are greater inducements than closed - doors.” - - “The doctrine behind the blue laws is this: ‘I am in the right - and you are in the wrong. When you are stronger than I, you - ought to tolerate; for it is your duty to tolerate truth. But - when I am the stronger, I shall persecute you; for it is my - duty to persecute error.’” - - “All the proposed Sunday legislation is simply a human attempt - to whitewash what God designed to wash white. To condemn movies - because some things may be objectionable is like refusing to - eat fish because it contains bones.” - - “When human passion is subdued, when the turbulent tide ebbs, - we see that the big thing that lies at the bottom of the - opposition of theatre opening on Sunday, is simply bigotry.” - - “It is a wonder to me how many bad things good people see in - the movies; fortunately, if you are so disposed, you need never - be disappointed. The product of a legal religion has ever been - and ever will be either hypocrisy or persecution.” - - * * * * * - -A little white coffin rested on a small table, covered with flowers white -as the waxen face and fair hair of the baby child whose short life of -thirteen months’ suffering was ended. - -A small company of kind neighbors was present. The clergyman repeated -the Saviour’s words, “Suffer the children to come unto me and forbid -them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven,” and told how the little -life had not paid in dollars and cents, but that judged by an immortal -existence begun here, and to last forever, Death was gain. After the -father, sisters and brothers said “Good-bye,” the mother took the last -farewell kiss of her baby and baptized it anew with her hot falling -tears. So small was the casket that the undertaker lifted it in his -arms, just as the mother had the sick child, and carried it to the -carriage and placed it on the seat. - -We entered the beautiful green cemetery, and lowered the little -flower-decked coffin in the grave to rest until God’s “Good morning” in -the graveless, griefless home of heaven. As I looked back, the mound -seemed so small that a child could step over it in his play, but I knew -it was higher than a mountain top to the mother because in it was buried -all her love and hope. - -So we left the little casket and the little body in the little grave, -feeling that this bud of promise would be transplanted to the Eternal -Garden where the full flower would blossom and bloom without decay. - - * * * * * - -The Detroit Free-Press calls it the “Snoopers’ Brigade,” and we are -inclined to think that is a well-fitting title for the aggregation of -people who are urging the formation of a society that would compel all -men to be spies upon neighbors and reporters upon their actions. - -Sometime ago a federal prohibition commissioner announced plans for such -an association, but he immediately discovered that the people of the -United States are not ready to become investigators of their neighbors’ -conduct, in any particular, and the project was squelched by higher -authority. - -The courts of the country are, very generally, excluding testimony -obtained by men who lead others into the commission of crime, and -properly; they regard such actions as a conspiracy to break the law, -which makes the tempter a partner in the crime. - -In a Mississippi case, where it appeared that a peace officer induced a -man to purchase liquor for him and then arrested the man who succumbed -to his blandishments, the judge ordered the accused discharged and the -officer held. The official was subsequently convicted of his part in the -crime, and the supreme court sustained the verdict against him. - -There is a very general misapprehension on this subject and acts of the -officials have been winked at because the public really did not know what -was going on and did not realize the extent of the practice indulged in -by what are very generally called stool pigeons. - -The laws of this or any other state may be enforced without making all -the people detectives, as the Snoopers’ League would have them, or -without permitting the practice of certain classes of officials, who -sometimes literally hire men to commit a crime, in order that that very -crime may be suppressed. - - * * * * * - -_Where did I get my education? Why, me dad used to take me over his knee. -He made me smart._ - - * * * * * - -Bully for the Chicago Tribune. That journal slips the prong into Bluenose -Crafts in a recent issue: - - It is beginning to appear that the movement led by Mr. Crafts - is as bigoted and as savage in its purpose as those which we - thought were buried in the semi-barbarous past. It must be held - that no human uplift but maniacal desire to inflict physical - punishment is the motive. Mr. Crafts and his followers wish to - put as many of their fellow countrymen as possible in jail, and - they are trying to wreck this republic in order to do so. - - * * * * * - -Farmyard Notes - -Chickens get tough when they run around too much. - - * * * * * - -Be it ever so humble, there’s no flower like the cauli. - - * * * * * - -A bird in the oven is worth two in the bush and a berry in the bush is -not worth two in the hand. - - * * * * * - -_I wish I was cross-eyed, then I could stand on a windy day and gaze at -a lady wearing a short skirt, right in the eye and still have a guilty -conscience._ - - * * * * * - -Cellar Ancestry - - The potatoes eyes were full of tears, - And the cabbage hung its head, - For there was grief in the cellar that nite, - For the vinegar’s mother was dead. - - * * * * * - -_You can lead a cow to water but the Bull—he must be herd._ - - * * * * * - -As It Is In New York - -“On East Houston Street is the lasagne or ravioli belt where the gay boys -from out of town take the leading ladies of the jobber plants out for a -wild evening,” writes O. O. McIntyre. “You know the gay out-of-town man. -He carries a patent cigar lighter and has a sterling silver monogrammed -belt buckle and, oh, yes, a handkerchief with a purple border. His eyes -are blue and he wrinkles them in a merry twinkle, at least he thinks it -is a merry twinkle, but it’s just the sap oozing out. The Leading Lady -knows Broadway because she reads Broadway Brevities and her theory of -life in the abstract is that Ladies Must Live. After the first quart of -red ink, he whispers a story the boys told him in front of the Bon Ton -Store before he left for the east. She pulls the two gun, hair-trigger -Bill Hart stuff and says ‘Naughty Man.’ To complete the evening and -display the ultimate in savoir faire he calls loudly to the waiter: -‘L’addition, s’il vous plait garcon.’ They ride to one of the Oranges in -a quick-firing metered taxi and he returns to the McAlpin to write the -wife and kiddies of his lonesomeness.” - - * * * * * - -New York - -_This is the old famous New York poem, credited to a former collector -of the port as author, but denied. However, you’ll note that every word -carries a wallop and so we herewith, with your kind permission, republish -it_: - - Vulgar of manner, overfed, - Over dressed, and underbred, - Heartless, Godless, hell’s delight, - Rude by day, lewd by night, - Bedwarfed the man, enlarged the brute, - Ruled by Jew and prostitute - Purple robed and pauper clad - Raving, rioting, money mad— - A squirming herd of Mammon’s mesh, - A wilderness of human flesh. - Crazed by avarice, lust and rum— - New York! Thy name’s “Delirium.” - - * * * * * - -Farm Life - -“I see you are keeping your hired man all right now, Ezra.” - -“Yep, keeping him all right.” - -“He seems satisfied, too. How’d you do it?” - -“Did everything he asked me to. Let him work only four hours and eat with -the family. He got to complaining of dull evenings, so every night I give -him the use of a car of his own, and the money to spend, to go to the -movies in town.” - -“That ought to satisfy him.” - -“It didn’t, though. He complained of his room, and so I coaxed my son to -trade rooms with him. Then he seemed more settled like.” - -“I notice you’ve cut off your whiskers, Ezra.” - -“Yeah. Some more of that hired man’s notions.” - -“How’s that?” - -“He complained they tickled him every time I kissed him good-night.” - - * * * * * - -Wah, Wah! - -“Golly, Moses! Dey got strawberries and cherries and all kinds o’ fruit -covered wit candy. What kind shall ah git?” - -“Git a choc’lat covered watermillion.” - - * * * * * - -Sic ’em, Tige! - -“What you need is a tonic to sharpen your appetite,” said the Doctor. “By -the way, what is your occupation?” - -“I am a sword swallower in a circus side-show,” replied the caller. - - * * * * * - -_Little Joe says, “They am jest as many sebbens on de dice as anything -else, ony dey is bashfull.”_ - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_The greatest poem of the squared circle ever brought to light is in -store for March Whiz Bang readers, “The Kid’s Last Fight.” That noted -recitation of years ago has been obtained by the Whiz Bang, reset to -verse, and will hold the boards in the March issue._ - - _The way he staggered made me sick,_ - _I stalled, McGee yelled “cop him quick!”_ - _The crowd was wise and yellin’ “fake,”_ - _They’d seen the chance I wouldn’t take._ - - * * * * * - -“Chi Slim” Twangs ’is Bloomin’ Lyre - -By J. Eugene Chrisman. - -_Author of “Poppies,” written exclusively for Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang._ - - By the lake-front near Chicago with her elbows on her knee - There’s a widder-woman waiting and I know she waits for me; - When the wind is from the stock-yards every odor seems to say - “Come you back you lost star-boarder, come you back you skunk and pay!” - - Her apron it was greasy and her hair it hung in strings, - And her name was Sarah Lukens but it had been lots o’ things! - When I saw her first a’diggin’ up the makin’s for a stew - And she wasn’t wastin’ nothing that a dog could chaw in two. - Blinkin’ rough for me to lead, tooth-less, sallow and knock-knee’d - Wasn’t carin’ much for class tho—what I needed was a feed. - - When the bunch had grabbed their hand-out and we had ’em on the go, - Then she’d start me for “Dutch” Ryan’s with a two-bit piece to throw. - With her head upon my shoulder at the second growler full, - She was lonesome bo, that widder with the rough-stuff that she’d pull! - How I used to feed her full of the “mush-talk” and the bull - For the snow had begun blowin’ and I didn’t like to pull! - - But that’s all put behind me, long ago and far away - Since I hit out for St. Looey one night on the C. & A. - But they’re tellin’ in the jungles that the winter’s one best bet - For a young and handsome hobo is to be a widder’s pet. - Oh them boardin’ kitchen smells as she fed me jams and jells - And the skuts of “suds” from Ryans—I won’t ever need naught else! - - Ship me somewhere south of “Chi” though where the bloomin’ mob ain’t - cursed - With a Volstead disposition and a man can quench his thirst - For the winter snows are falling and its there that I would be - Either Juarez or Havana with a widder on my knee! - - * * * * * - -Charley Wong - -_Copyrighted. By permission of the Author, Green Room Club, New York._ - -By H. A. D’Arcy. - - The west was pretty wild when Bill Durant and I went out, - ’Twer in ’59 or ’60, somewhar that about, - Bill took his pretty wife along (they’d been wed about a year), - A buxom kind of girl she war, that never thought o’ fear. - - And I don’t know that she needed to, for the miners one and all, - Would have fought for her like devils if she’d ever made the call; - And afore we’d fairly built a hut to keep her from the damp - A little baby gal was born—the first one in the camp. - - And didn’t the boys keep Christmas? Well, I’m shoutin’ now they did; - Why, they all got roarin’ full that night just in honor o’ the kid; - And by the time that baby were a little tot o’ three years old, - She had a big tomato can just filled with virgin gold. - - I built a cabin ’bout a quarter mile away from Bill’s, - So we both had kinder cozy homes protected by the hills; - And Charley Wong, the Chinaman, had opened handy by - The laundry o’ the canyon, and he washed for Bill and I. - - Now, Chinamen ain’t liked too well, and one day in a row - Charley got pretty badly used, I disremember now - Just what the trouble war about, but Bill war in the fray, - And he helped to beat the Chinaman in a rather brutal way. - - Durant weren’t bad at heart, ye know, but like too many others, - He didn’t like Mongolians, nor own ’um men and brothers; - And I often heard him say that if the Chinamen wer near - He’d cut the leper’s pigtail off and stick it through his ear. - - One evening Lizzie (Durant’s wife) and little Tot, the child, - Were comin’ homeward down the hills when all at once a wild - And fearful howl were heard behind—two wolves were on their track, - Liz says she stopped and grabbed the child and threw it on her back. - - Then shrieking aloud for help, she ran, as swift as any hind - Toward the Chinese laundry hut—the wolves came fast behind; - Nearer and nearer on they came; then reaching Charley’s door, - The mother, with her precious load, fell prone upon the floor. - - Bill and I were talkin’ when we heard the fearful cries, - And rushing to the laundry the sight that met our eyes - Was far too horrible to tell, for thar was Charley Wong - Dead, and a blood-stained knife in hand full fifteen inches long. - - He’d fought a fearful battle; one brute wer by his side - With its entrails all hanging out, and blood stains on its hide; - But t’ other had got its work in afore Bill and I got there, - And wer gnawing Charley’s throat and face till the bones were laying - bare. - - Wall, we made quick work o’ Mr. Wolf, we filled ’um full o’ lead, - Then gathered child and mother up and took ’em home to bed, - Next day when Lizzie told her tale, Bill’s eyes were full o’ tears, - He didn’t brag much sentiment, and hadn’t wept for years. - - Poor “Washee!” when we packed him up the camp boys stood around - Each one with hat in hand and tearful eyes cast on the ground; - We shipped the corpse to ’Frisco, with a bag o’ the yellow dust - To pay the freight to Pekin—to “Rest In Peace,” I trust. - - But ever after that, if any man had got the face - To say Chinese wer yallow dogs, he’d better quit the place; - For thar ain’t a name more holy held in Canyon Idlewild - Than Charley Wong, the Chinaman, that saved Bill’s wife and child. - - * * * * * - -A horse fly eats whip crackers. - - * * * * * - -The Song of Camille - - Sitting alone by my window, - Watching the moonlit street, - Bending my head to listen, - To the well-known sound of your feet - I have been wondering darling - How I can bear the pain, - When I watch with sighs and tear-wet eyes, - And wait for your coming in vain. - - For I know that the day approaches, - When your heart will tire of me, - When by door and gate I must watch and wait, - For a form I shall not see. - For the love that is now my heaven - The kisses that make my life, - You will bestow on another, - And that other will be your wife. - - You will grow weary of sinning, - Though you do not call it so - You will long for a love that is purer - Than the love that we two know, - God knows I love you dearly - With a passion strong as true, - But you will grow tired and leave me - Though I gave up all for you. - - I was pure as the morning - When I first looked on your face, - I knew I could never reach you - In your high exalted place, - But I looked and loved and worshipped - As a flower might worship a star - And your eyes shown down upon me - And you seemed so far, so far. - - And then? Well then you loved me - Loved me with all your heart, - But we could not stand at the altar - We were so far apart. - If a star should wed with a flower, - The star must drop from the sky - Or the flower in trying to reach it - Would droop on its stem and die. - - But you said that you loved me darling, - And swore by the heavens above - That the Lord and all of his Angels - Would sanction and bless our love, - And I? I was weak, not wicked, - My love was as pure as true, - And sin itself seemed a virtue, - If only shared by you. - - We have been happy together, - Though under the cloud of sin - But I know that the day approaches - When my chastening must begin, - You seem to think kindly of me - But you seem downhearted and blue, - But you will not always be - And I think I had better leave you. - - I know my beauty is fading, - Sin furrows the fairest brow, - And I know your heart will weary, - Of the face you smile on now. - You will take a bride on your bosom, - After you turn from me, - You will sit with your wife in the moon-light - And hold your babe on your knee. - - Oh! God I could not bear it, - I would my brain I know, - And while you love me dearly, - I think I had better go. - It is sweeter to feel my darling - And know as I fall asleep - That some would mourn me and miss me - That someone was left to weep. - - Though to die as I should in the future, - To drop in the streets some day, - Unknown, unwept and forgotten, - After you passed me away. - Perhaps the blood of the Savior, - Can wash my garments clean, - Perchance I may drift on the water, - That flows in the pastures green. - - Perchance we may meet in heaven, - And walk in the street above, - With nothing to grieve us or part us, - Since our sinning was all through love. - God says, love one another, - And down to the depths of Hell, - Well he sent the soul of a woman, - Because she loved—and fell. - - And so in the moon-light he found her, - Or found her beautiful clay, - Lifeless and pallid as marble, - For the spirit had flown away. - The farewell words she had written, - She held to her cold white breast, - And the buried blade of a dagger, - Told how she had gone to rest. - - * * * * * - -To a Mountain Rat - -By Frank B. Lindeman. - - Yes I reckon God made ye - He’s blamed for rattlesnakes, - And porcupines and woodchucks, - And if they ain’t mistakes - Ye’re a crowin’ example - Of carelessness divine, - To nigh the danger line. - - Yer winkless eye in innocence - Hides cunnin’ cussedness, - And yer skin is full to bustin’ - With a longin’ to possess - All things that don’t belong to you, - But when all’s said and done - There’s things on earth ye’ve failed to steal, - And reputation’s one. - - * * * * * - -The real John Barleycorn of older days is gone, but not forgotten. - -Those of us who knew him best, and loved him most, - -Stuck with him ’til the last drop. - - * * * * * - -Pretty (looking over the new theatre down-town)—What do you think of the -excavation? - -Witty—Oh, it’s pretty good as a whole. - - * * * * * - -The Bum and the Farmer’s Son - -One fine day, in the month of May, a dirty old bum came hiking; He sat -down by a pig pen, which was very much to his liking. On the very same -day, in the month of May, a farmer’s son came piping; Said the bum to the -son, “If you’ll only come, I will show you things to your liking. I will -show you the bees, and the cigarette trees, and the gum drop heights, -where they give away kites, and the big rock candy mountains; And the -lemonade springs, where the blue bird sings, and marbles made of crystal; -you can whiff the breeze from the mince pie trees, where the wind blows -fine and frisky; and you can join the band of Rocky Mountain Sam, and -get yourself a sword and a pistol.” The farmer’s son then went along, -listening to the bum’s merry song; and for six months they did travel. -Said the bum to the son, “When I get done, you’re going to be a little -devil.” The punk looked up with his big blue eyes, and then he said to -Sandy, “Now we’ve been a hiking all day long, now gosh darn where’s your -candy? You put a brace on my leg, and showed me how to beg, and you told -me you were my jocker; and you told me lies, when you promised me pies, -and you called me an apple knocker; I’m a goin’ back home, no more to -roam, I’m packing my junkerino; You can bet your lid, that this Hoosier -kid, won’t be any bum’s punkerino.” - - * * * * * - -Misplaced Eyebrow—“There is a hair in my soup.” - -Diplomatic Waiter—“Probably out of your mustache.” - -“I never thought of that.” - - * * * * * - -Clap, Clap, Clap, Hurray! - -“How do you like the Volstead Act?” - -“I never did care for vaudeville.” - - * * * * * - -Oh, the Merry Bells of Windsor - -Johnny was late at school and explained that a wedding at his house was -the cause of the delay. - -“That’s nice,” replied teacher, “who gave the bride away?” - -“Well,” Johnny answered, “I could have, but I kept my mouth shut.” - - * * * * * - -The Barb Wire Hairnet - - _Her has gone, her has went,_ - _Her has left I all alone,_ - _Can her never come to me,_ - _Must me always go to she?_ - _It can never was._ - - * * * * * - -Some Parties, Ahoy! - -“I suppose your wife was tickled to death at your raise in salary?” - -“She will be.” - -“Haven’t you told her yet?” - -“No, I thought I would enjoy myself for a couple of weeks first.” - - * * * * * - -Isaac Goldstein came home one evening, unexpectedly, and found a man -sitting on his wife’s lap. - -Next day he told his business partner about it. His partner asked Mr. -Goldstein what he had said to the man. - -Goldstein replied, “I didn’t even speak to him. He was a stranger.” - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - - _Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,_ - _If you don’t like my figure,_ - _Keep your hands off my shoulders._ - - * * * * * - -Finishing Touches - -“It’s snow use,” said Alvie; “we can’t go tonight.” And he hung up the -receiver, while the fluffy flakes fell on the grass outside. - - * * * * * - -Jewish Bees - -_Biz-z—Biz—Biz-ness._ - - * * * * * - -“I’m through,” cried Pedro, as he glanced over the Whiz Bang Winter -Annual. - - * * * * * - -Tar Baby - - I once knew - A Girl - Who was so modest - That she wouldn’t - Even do - Improper Fractions. - - * * * * * - -Down in Dreamy Honohula - - If I was a man in the land of orange and fig, - I would sit with my thingamabob, and play on my thingamajig. - - * * * * * - -Longfellow - -A tramp sat in the doorway of the box car, his feet dragging on the -ground. - - * * * * * - -Strike Three! - - _They are fools who kiss and tell,_ - _Thus it is the poet sings,_ - _But that is why so many girls_ - _Are sporting wedding rings._ - - * * * * * - -SHE CREPT UP TO THE SCALES LIKE AN ARAB, AND SILENTLY STOLE A WEIGH. - - * * * * * - -Motto For Poets - -If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do suck seed. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Martin of Martin’s Ferry, protests against us writing our jokes on -tissue paper so that our Philadelphia friend could see through them. - -“Tearible,” remarks Mr. Martin. - - * * * * * - -They are all roses, but some of them are pretty wild. - - * * * * * - -Will Be Dedicated By Request - - What care we for Mary’s lamb, - Now he’s long been to sleep? - We’d rather see her pretty calves - Than those old, pesky sheep. - - * * * * * - -The cold weather chills me to the bone. - -You should wear a hat. - - * * * * * - -Vengeance at Last - -_Suddenly there came a tapping as if someone were scrapping, slapping, -rapping all the poets who write “Apologies to Poe”—just outside my -chamber door._ - - * * * * * - - Old Ben Jo’ chewed slippery ellum; - Slippery ellum, - All the dern day long. - - * * * * * - -A Tough Break - -Had a great tip on a horse yesterday called cigarette, but I didn’t have -enough tobaccer. - - * * * * * - -Da, Da, Daddy - - I love them all, I love them all, - Please take me in swimmin’ - With bow-legged women. - For I love them all. - - * * * * * - -“They sure soak you here,” Gus remarked as he paid for a Turkish bath. - - * * * * * - -_“How hoarse you are this morning.”_ - -_“Yes, my husband got home very late last night.”_ - - * * * * * - -My wife and I have been holding hands for twelve years. If we ever let go -we’ll kill one another. - - * * * * * - -_My bride is a nice girl, but she sleeps with her knees up and the draft -gives me a cold._ - - * * * * * - -I’d like to see something in a lady’s combination. - -So would I. - - * * * * * - -We Found These Woids - -“Why, honey, I love you with an equatorial passion that no adding machine -can register.” - - * * * * * - -Oregon Gal - - There she goes on her toes, - All dressed up in her Sunday clothes, - Ain’t she neat, ain’t she sweet, - She has brand new stockings, - And nice big clumsy feet. - - * * * * * - -_There are a lot of towns in this country that don’t bury their dead. -They just let ’em walk around._ - - * * * * * - -Mr. and Mrs. Fish wish to announce the arrival of a couple of bouncing -minnows. - - * * * * * - -_Musicians have an easy job. While they’re at work they’re only playing._ - - * * * * * - -I asked the boy across from my farm what he got for planting potatoes. He -said, “I don’t get nothin’ when I do, but I get hell when I don’t.” - - * * * * * - -I got a fellow so drunk last night that it took three bell boys to put me -to bed. - - * * * * * - -Wanted: Man to drive. Must bring hammer and nails. - - * * * * * - -Hey, Eddie! - -Eddie was great at a party. In fact, you couldn’t have a party without -him. He was a great mixer. - - * * * * * - -Here It Is Again, Enlarged - -_Oh, Scissors, let us cut up!_ - -_Would Gillette me?_ - - * * * * * - -“I’ve come to the end of my rope,” our hero cried as he threw his cigar -away. - - * * * * * - - He mixed his beans with honey, - He’d done it all his life. - ’Twas not because he liked the taste, - But it held them on his knife. - - * * * * * - -Teddy’s Teachings - -Get the habit, like the rabbit—multiply. - - * * * * * - -Let us all join in singing that timely melody: - -“Keep her picture in your watch—you’ll love her in time.” - - * * * * * - -Going Up! - -_He started life as a chiropodist and worked his way up to be a throat -specialist._ - - * * * * * - -Don’t always stand on the same side of the pulpit. You’ll wear a hole in -the carpet. - - * * * * * - - Here’s to the girl that I kissed last - Who doesn’t kiss slow and doesn’t kiss fast, - With lips like a ruby and cheeks like a rose, - How many have kissed her God only knows. - - * * * * * - -_“I’m the King of Siam!”_ - -_“Yesiam!”_ - - * * * * * - -He left the light burning so he could see to go asleep. - - * * * * * - -Oh the Moon Shines Bright - - Look out lips, look out gums, - Look out tummy, here she comes. - - * * * * * - -Kentucky College - - Bring on the “moon,” - Ring the bell, - Near-beer! Near-beer! - S.—O.—L. - - * * * * * - -The funniest thing I ever saw was a cross-eyed woman telling her -hump-backed husband to walk straight home. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy asked for a nut cracker and her husband gave her a beer -bottle. - - * * * * * - -The 1922 Girl - - I should worry, I should care - I should marry a millionaire. - If he should die, I should cry, - I should marry my regular guy. - - * * * * * - - A little song entitled, - “OIL BY MYSELF” - By John D. - - * * * * * - -She’s a wonderful girl. She can keep a secret in four different languages. - - * * * * * - -There is no difference between me and the prohibition agent. We’re both -after the same thing. - - * * * * * - -The moral of a dog’s tail is that it invariably points to the past. - - * * * * * - -Wriggle Through This One - - We have a terrible lot to be thankful for, - Now prohibition’s here, - They’ve taken away our whisky, wines and lager beer, - They’ll take away our tobacco next, - Along with the demon rum, - We’ll have a deuce of a lot to be thankful for, - If they leave us chewing gum. - - * * * * * - -How Do You Get That Way? - -A Jewish sergeant at Camp Lee in 1918 was explaining to a rookie the -command, mark time, in the following manner: “Foist you raise yer right -foot six inches in de air and then bring the left foot alongside the -right one.” - - * * * * * - -“Lovely day, don’t you think,” said the man as he hit his thumb with the -hammer. - - * * * * * - - Two Swedes went to Ireland - To kiss the blarney stone, - But they couldn’t catch their lutefisk - Where the River Shannon flows. - - * * * * * - -Willie, your face has changed quite a bit. - -Yes, mother, dear, I’ve been washing it. - - * * * * * - -A change of wives ofttimes improves one’s disposition. - - * * * * * - -Consolation - -“Who is that terrible looking woman?” - -“That’s my sister.” - -“Oh, that’s all right; you ought to see mine.” - - * * * * * - -Dope This One - -After Theophile returned to the city he wrote to Farmer Si Hopkins -concerning a question which has been puzzling him for some time. - -“Why,” he inscribed, “do you lock up that donkey of yours so carefully -every night?” - -In due course of time came Farmer Hopkins’ reply. “Because it is too good -an *.” - - * * * * * - -Hiawatha Skinned a Squirrel - - Hiawatha skinned the squirrel, - Just sat down and went and skinned it; - Went and skinned it to a finish, - From its skin he made some mittens. - Made them with the outside inside, - Made them with the inside outside, - Made them with the fur side inside, - Made them with the skin side outside, - Made them with the warm side inside, - Made them with the cold side outside. - Had he placed the fur side outside, - Had he placed the skin side inside, - Had he placed the outside inside, - And the inside inside - Then the warm side would have been outside, - And the cold side inside, - So to get the fur side, warm side inside, - Placed the skin side, inside, outside. - Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, - inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside. - - * * * * * - -For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name He writes -not that you won or lost, but how you played the game. - - * * * * * - -“They don’t look natural,” said the man, as he rolled two threes. - - * * * * * - -How Kum? - -Tom—“Where have you been for the last three hours?” - -Bill—“In the saloon talking to the bartender.” - -Tom—“What did he say?” - -Bill—“No.” - - * * * * * - -Quick, Gents! - - _At sixteen, risque,_ - _Likes a naughty joke;_ - _At seventeen, blase,_ - _Tries to learn to smoke;_ - _At eighteen, mildish,_ - _Jolly just the same;_ - _At nineteen, childish,_ - _Getting rather tame;_ - _At twenty, breezy,_ - _Merely debonair;_ - _At twenty-one, uneasy;_ - _So re-bobs her hair;_ - _But when she reaches twenty-two_ - _Her rush turns to a shove,_ - _For then her motto has become:_ - _Love and let love._ - - * * * * * - -Wanted: Man with ugly face to frighten children that play in my yard. - - * * * * * - -He Calls This “Poetry” - - He’s got a swell noodle, - Our friend Ted, - He wears an eight and a half hat, - For a six and a half head. - - * * * * * - -Dusting Off the Old Ones - -Man went into German butcher shop and asked price of pork chops. To the -reply of 30 cents a pound, he remonstrated that the butcher across the -street asked only 20 cents. - -“Why don’t you buy them there, then?” asked the German. - -“I would, but he’s out,” said the customer. - -“Oh, vell, ven I’m oud, I sell ’em for only 10 sends a pound.” - - * * * * * - -Eh, Maggie? - - Here lie the bones of Peter Blunt - Down in this mothering nook. - Alas, he was too small a runt - To argue with a cook. - - * * * * * - -Warm Stuff - -“My wife made it hot for me this morning.” - -“How was that?” - -“I insisted on her getting up to build the fire.” - - * * * * * - -My Advice - - If you should marry a hootch hound - I’ll tell you what to do. - Get a leaky boat and send afloat, - And paddle your own canoe. - - * * * * * - -Chicago Tribune’s Column - -(From the Charles City, Iowa, Press) - -Manager Waterhouse, the movie man, who insists on giving his lady patrons -the best, is improving the theater by renovating and decorating the -ladies’ parlor and lobby and ladies can—at least, feel that everything is -fresh and orderly. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -This Soots Me - -(From the Spokane Spokesman-Review) - -Young man, industrious, wants to meet lady with enough cash to have her -chimney swept. Dan Vall. - - * * * * * - -Whatcha Got? - -(From Richmond, Va., Times Despatch) - -Have four daughters; would like to put them in a business of their own. -What have you to offer? P.O. Box 1092, City. - - * * * * * - -And Everything - -(From The Duluth Herald) - -I got 10 aker of fine green timber dat I like for to sell on Miller Trunk -Highway near Duluth. It bane yust vat yu want for a gude place to build -cabin and have high old time, hunt yack rabbit & everything. I like for -to go back to Norway & will sell very sheep. Write Lars Boguson, 1302 E. -8th St. - - * * * * * - -Ain’t We Got Fun? - -(From The Aberdeen World) - -WANTED—Girl or lady to stay with me nights; room rent free. A-26, care of -World. - - * * * * * - -The Wild and Woolly West - -(From Casper, Wyo., Herald) - -TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—In justice to my husband to quiet a few rumors to -the effect that he had beaten me up, during our recent family trouble, is -absolutely untrue. Signed, Mrs. Bessie Peters. - - * * * * * - -_Jonah came from the whale with an awful cough._ - - * * * * * - -The Busted Air Hose - -An Italian was selling plaster of paris busts of great personages on the -streets in New York. His cry was “Garibaldi, the greata man ina Italy, -George Wash tha greata man ina United States. Tena centa each.” - -An American, thinking to have some fun with him, took one of his busts -of Garibaldi, dropped it on the pavement and said, “To hell with your -Garibaldi.” The wop, not to be outdone, took one of his statues of -Washington, threw it on the sidewalk, and said “To hell with your Georga -Wash.” - - * * * * * - -That Ought to Cool It - -Jerry recently took Gwendoline for a ride in his new car and returned -rather late. Approaching a steep hill he stopped the car, got out and -raised the hood. - -“What’s the matter now?” asked Gwen. - -“I must cool the engine before I try to make that hill,” replied Jerry. - -“Oh, goodness alive,” said Gwen, “It is getting so awfully late. Why -don’t you strip the gears?” - - * * * * * - -Tweet, Tweet - -“I never spoke a cross word to my wife but once.” - -“Quite remarkable, that.” - -“Not so very. See that scar?” - - * * * * * - -How We Do It - -A witty political candidate, after making a speech in an agricultural -district, announced that he would be glad to answer any question that -might be put to him. - -A voice from the audience: “You seem to know a lot about a farmer’s -difficulties. May I ask you a question about a momentous one?” - -“Certainly,” replied the candidate, nervously. - -“How can you tell a bad egg?” went on the merciless voice. - -The candidate waited until the laughter had died down, then replied, “If -I had anything to tell a bad egg I think I should break it gently.” - -He won the place. - - * * * * * - -April Fool! - - It was only an old beer bottle, - Floating across the foam, - Just an old beer bottle, - Far away from home. - Only an old beer bottle, - With these sad words written on, - “Whoever finds this beer bottle, - Will find that the beer’s all gone.” - - * * * * * - -Another Married Chestnut - -“I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man -running off with you.” - -“What did you say to him?” - -“I asked him what he was running for.” - - * * * * * - -For Men Only - -When you play poker you take a chance; when you marry you have no chance. - - * * * * * - -Maids want nothing but husbands; after that they want everything. - - * * * * * - -Most of the women who cry at weddings have been married themselves. - - * * * * * - -Our Carpenter Hero - -He “hammered” on the door; was answered by a girl who wore a white -“sash,” and asked if he could get a “square” meal. He “saw” that the -place was “plane” but clean, and “planking” himself down to the table, -he “braced” his legs beneath the chair, and “bit” into a Parker “House” -roll. His “nails” were rather dirty, but he met the “stairs” of those -about him with a “level” glance. After “bolting” his food, he “shingled” -off a dollar bill, paid the girl, opining that it was a good place to -“board.” - - * * * * * - -_The tenants who formerly lived on the floor above said that our baby -balled them out._ - - * * * * * - -Hi Say, Chappie - -Maybelle (coquettishly)—You tickle me, Duke. - -The Duke—My word, what a strange request! - - * * * * * - -Action vs. Words - - Have you ever - After an evening - Of anticipation - Finally arrived - At the crucial moment - And with a - Depth breath - Taken the.... - Initial step - Aeons later - A small voice - Somewhere is - Heard to say - “Don’t” - While two arms - About one’s neck - Refute the argument. - - —Voo Doo. - - * * * * * - -Friday Special - -Restaurant patron—Have you any whale, waiter? - -No, sir. - -Have you any shark? - -No, sir. - -Then give me a T bone steak. God knows I asked for fish. - - * * * * * - -“Waiter! There’s a fly in my ice cream.” - -“Serves him right; let him freeze.” - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_Lou Z. Lizzie_=—I quite agree with you. A man who gives you his diamond -ring to look at and then wants it back is no gentleman. - - * * * * * - -=_Mary Ellen Slapapple_=—The fact that your sweetheart gave you two black -eyes is striking proof of his affection. - - * * * * * - -=_Howsh E. Shaykes_=—A change of pasture is good for the bull, you know, -old dear. - - * * * * * - -=_Hittem Formy_=—Don’t run your legs off after a woman; you’ll need them -to kick yourself. - - * * * * * - -True lovers never say good night until morning. - - * * * * * - -As a Rule - -Clerk (at Employment Bureau)—“Someone has sent for a yardman, sir.” - -Manager—“We haven’t any yardmen at present.” - -Clerk—“Then shall I send up three footmen, sir?” - - * * * * * - -The Barber Itch - -Three prospective brides were in conference, Madge, Mary and Martha. - -Madge—I am to marry a lawyer with fine practice. We are building a -beautiful home. - -Mary—My future husband is a banker and we will have a summer home, a maid -and a car. - -Martha—Well, girls, if you must know, I am to marry a barber. - -Consternation reigned. - -“What on earth are you going to marry a barber for?” gasped Madge and -Mary. - -Martha—Because any time a barber isn’t kissing you he is talking about it. - - * * * * * - -_A timid bachelor recently walked into a dance hall by mistake, and -thought he was in a ladies’ dressing room._ - - * * * * * - -Jack—You certainly disgraced me at the banquet last night when you got -drunk. - -Jill—What did I do. - -Jack—When the charlotte russe was served you tried to blow the foam off -it. - - * * * * * - -Pee Ess - -In conclusion, Gentle Readers, don’t forget that Captain Billy’s -encyclopedia of humor and poetry, the Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22, is awaiting you at your newsdealer or the publisher. - - - - -The Winter Annual - - -_CONTENTS_ - - DRIPPINGS FROM THE FAWCETT - GIRL IN BLUE VELVET BAND - FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR - FRANKIE AND JOHNNIE BLUES - SHOOTING OF DAN MCGREW - WEDDING OF THE PERSIAN CAT - ACE IN THE HOLE - BOOZE FIGHTER’S DREAM - DIARY OF A DIVORCEE - FABLE OF THE BULL - HIGHTY TIGHTY APHRODITE - GOLIGHTLY HIGHBALLS - HOW TO KISS DELICIOUSLY - HUNTING THE WILY POLE CAT - MOHAMMEDAN BULL - OUR OWN FAIRY QUEEN - TOOL HOUSE ON THE FARM - THE OLD SMOKEHOUSE - QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - GILA MONSTER ROUTE - PASTURE POT POURRI - HOOCH CURE BLUES - DYING HOBO - LASCA - SAM’S GIRL - TOLEDO SLIM - EVOLUTION - POPPIES - AFTER THE RAID - THE HARPY - THE SUICIDE - TARNISHED GOODS - SEPARATION - LITTLE RED GOD - THE LADIES - LIMBER KICKS - NAUGHTY BUT NICE - TO THE GIRL - RURAL MAIL BOX - TIRED HIRED MAN - LIFE’S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL - - - - -_Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22_ - - -256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz -Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this -greatest Whiz Bang book. - -_Only a Few Left_ - -If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, pin a dollar bill, or your -check, money order or stamps to the coupon below and receive this peppy -collection. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -30, February, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, FEB 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62422-0.txt or 62422-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/4/2/62422/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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