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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c0db0c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #62422 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/62422) diff --git a/old/62422-0.txt b/old/62422-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e4127ce..0000000 --- a/old/62422-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3115 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 30, -February, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 30, February, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: June 18, 2020 [EBook #62422] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, FEB 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 30, February, 1922 - - - - -_They’re Going Fast!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the back page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought =anywhere= in the United States within ten -days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm, -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - FEBRUARY, 1922 Vol. III. No. 30 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1922 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - - _Gentle readers, wet your lips, for whilst with dry tongues - thou art yearning, your obedient servant, Bilious Billy, is in - the land of liberty—personal and otherwise—basking in Cuba’s - sunny clime, in Havana, sucking soda through a straw! Soda! - Sure, soda with a dash in it. When we grow tired of fast horses - and saintly senoritas, it will be back again to the big pines - of northern Minnesota for the fishing season at Breezy Point - Lodge. You know, folk, in the winter we Minnesotans can’t fish, - as our Norwegian friends would say._ - -Well, boys and girls, here I am on the road again—just like a wandering -Jew. In making my present departure from Robbinsdale, I didn’t know -whether I was coming to Montreal or going to Cuba. - -The high cost of coal in Robbinsdale made me long for summer at Miami -Beach, where there is no charge for hot rolls in the sand and a little -chicken nearby. Then again I was reminded of having seen Willie and -Mollie playing in the sand, indulging in youthful folly. The sand was -terribly hot on Willie’s back and the sun was hot tamale. - -Woke up in Chicago with an ice-pack attached to my fevered brow, and -appreciating that the United States is the land of personal liberty I -hied forth towards Miami to see if I might not be able to obtain a “wee -snifter.” Miami is now the legal home of William Jennings Bryan and I did -not have much luck in satisfying an unquenchable thirst. Anyway, if I -did, it wouldn’t be nice to tell about. Mr. Bryan may have something to -do with keeping Miami and the State of Florida bone-dry—which it isn’t—so -more power to him. Florida may be dry, but in the unmortal words of our -snuff-chewing hired man, I am pleased to report that there are a lot of -“damp rascals” here. - -Understand the Floridians are seriously considering Bryan for United -States Senator. Had the pleasure today of driving through the backyard of -the Commoner’s palatial home, but all I could see was the rear door and -his smokehouse. Mr. Bryan was too busy addressing a Baptist convention to -even invite me to lunch. Tomorrow he is slated for a Bible talk in the -city park and if I get up in time, and feel all right, shall listen to -his discourse. (Later, didn’t get up in time.) - - * * * * * - -After leaving Chicago I stopped at Atlanta for a few days’ sojourn. -Here we struck nice warm sunshine. The Atlanta ladies are a genial lot, -but their costuming somewhat crashes with the constitutional scheme of -affairs as laid down by the eighteenth amendment. Their hats are full of -cocktails—and sometimes also their heads, I am told. In fact, a bird of -paradise plume is quite in vogue in Atlanta. - -The information is also vouchsafed that some Atlanta girls are born -foolish, while others marry. - -Overheard a rather humorous remark of a local celebrity, Clayt Robson -by name, one evening in the lobby of the Kimball house. Robson is a -well-known Georgian lobbyist and political boss, who is considered a -power in the present state administration. Clayt jokingly spluttered to a -group of friends that “I was twenty-one years old and grown-up before I -knew that ‘damned Yankee’ was two words.” - -My visit to Atlanta brought to memory a conversation I had with Cole S. -Blease, former governor of South Carolina, about four years ago. The -governor very kindly invited me to his suite in the Selwyn hotel at -Charlotte, N. C., to partake of his private twenty-year-old stock. While -“killing” the quart of medicine, the subject of Atlanta came to the -front. Here is the Bleasian description of the South’s largest city, as -nearly as I can remember: - - “_Atlanta is a hell-hole of perdition. It is no place for a - virtuous woman or an honest man._” - -I cannot quite agree with Mr. Blease, for Atlanta treated me royally. The -girlies here I found to be of true Southern stock—very shy and rather -demure. I once heard the late “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman remark that the -only family tree he could boast was that the women were virtuous and -the men reasonably brave. From my cursory observations this description -fairly fits Atlanta. - -From Atlanta our next stop was Jacksonville. Went for a joyride here, -which ended in a thrilling though harmless smashup. Upon picking myself -from out the wreckage, I thanked the kindly doctor for a safe delivery. -Which calls to mind these lines by Lincoln, or some other noted personage: - - _Oh why should the spirit of mortal be proud?_ - _As he rides in his swift-flying car like a cloud,_ - _A break in the axle, a bust in the tire,_ - _He passeth from life to the heavenly choir._ - - * * * * * - -As a deer hunter, I’m a good farmer. Spent ten days tramping the -windfalls in the neighborhood of Breezy Point Lodge without even seeing -a deer. Saw plenty of polecats, bobcats and house cats, and nearly -captured a “porky.” I learned lots about the habits and habitations of -the northern pine animals and finally managed to knock down a “spike -buck” (whatever that means) on the last day of the hunting season. Must -admit the buck almost shook hands with me before I was able to knock him -over. However, I had a very good guide, Arthur Foote by name, but better -known as “Panther Pete.” Pete has earned a regular living for twenty-five -years as a trapper and deer hunter, and I am sure that the small buck -never would have fallen for me had he not enticed the animal to leave his -forest retreat. - - * * * * * - -While touring the San Francisco underworld as the guest of the police -vice squad on my recent tour of the Pacific coast, we encountered what -the police considered a suspicious party. - -He was one of those dapper young men with a red necktie that frequent -this section of Famous Frisco. - -“What’s your occupation?” asked one of the policemen of the young man. - -“I’m a business man,” was the answer as the young man started to trip -blithely away. - -“Wait a minute,” said the cop. “I never saw a business man walk like -that.” - -“Oh,” replied the dapper youth, “but you don’t know what kind of business -I’m in!” - -Thirty days for him. - - * * * * * - -During my recent rampage about the American continent it was my pleasure -to appreciate the service of Tiajuana, and I could not resist the -temptation to contrast this Mexican village with the Canadian metropolis, -Montreal. In Montreal I enjoyed a bottle of Pol Roger champagne without -being a law breaker, even though it cost me ten cents for a two by -four sandwich. From Montreal I hustled to the deer hunting regions of -northern Minnesota and found no champagne or other imported wines, but -plenty of “mountain dew.” With all due respect to Mr. Andrew J. Volstead, -our Minnesota congressman, there is today in this grand and glorious land -of the free and home of the brave more rotten booze than it was ever my -lot to drink in the pre-prohibition days. - -But to get back to my deer hunting expedition, I must admit that the deer -were scarce but— - - _But there were polecats and goosehawks,_ - _And a four-legged cow;_ - _Wild pigs and wild boars,_ - _And a thing like a sow._ - _There were thousands of screech owls,_ - _Turkey buzzards and quail,_ - _And a little black jack-ass_ - _With a damnable tail,_ - _With their fol de dol dol_ - _And fol de dol day._ - - * * * * * - -While flivvering out near Golden Valley, Minnesota, I dropped in at the -farm of my old friend, John Foss, to pass the time of day. I noticed a -drove of hogs on his timber lot acting peculiar. They would run up to a -tree and squeal like mad, then leave that tree and go to another and do -the same thing, continuing in their mad scamper around the timber lot. - -“What makes them act that way?” I asked John. - -“Well,” replied old man Foss, “last winter I had a throat infection and -lost the power of speech for a month or more and couldn’t call them to -their feed, so I taught them to come by rapping on a post or a tree, and -now the darn woodpeckers are setting them crazy.” - - * * * * * - -At Breezy Point Lodge I have an old gray mare and I love to sing this -melody of my boyhood days: - - _The old gray mare_ - _She sits on the single tree,_ - _Sits on the whipple tree,_ - _Sits on the single tree._ - -And, believe me, her greatest indoor and outdoor sport is sitting on the -single tree. - - * * * * * - -Up in the deer hunting grounds of northern Minnesota the jack-pine -savages are still singing that old familiar ditty about the much -maligned, bird—the woodpecker. These heart throbbing words peal gently -through the evening air: - - _“I stuck my finger in a woodpecker’s hole,_ - _And the woodpecker said: ‘Gosh darn your soul,’_ - _‘Take it out; take it out; take it out; take it out.’”_ - - * * * * * - -The other day I was riding on a street car in Minneapolis. Sitting -opposite me was a very pretty young lady who had a poodle dog in her lap. -Bluenose lady sitting next to the girl addressed her thusly: “My, what -a nasty little dog. Don’t you think, my young lady, it would look much -nicer if you had a little baby in your lap?” - -“No,” the pretty one replied in calm even tones, “it wouldn’t. You see -I’m not married.” - - * * * * * - -Chief Bloberger surveyed a party of hoboes coming down the Great Northern -tracks. - -“Here they come, hog fat and crummy, short pipes and red noses. Won’t -work, ain’t allowed to shoot ’em, and if you don’t feed ’em they’ll burn -your barn daown.” - - * * * * * - -Extra! Extra! - -Ladies and gentlemen: Don’t fail to be in Robbinsdale next Tuesday at -four o’clock A. M. to witness the daring feat of Peter, our hired man. -This brave snoose-grinding son of toil will endeavor to dive off the top -of the highest building in Robbinsdale into a six-foot tank of solid -concrete, playing the ukelele, eating raw liver and keeping perfect time. -The spectacular dive by Pete will be for a worthy cause. All proceeds -from the entertainment will be donated to the starving plumbers of -Chicago. Admission free. - - * * * * * - -Took my wife into a store to assist her in buying a new hat. Like all -women, she tried on nearly every hat in the store. In desperation the -salesman appealed to me with this remark: “How would you like me to try -a sailor for your wife?” Having been in the army for many years, I felt -like suggesting a soldier, for this insulting salesman. Needless to say, -the sale was not made. - - * * * * * - -On my recent visit to New York I had the pleasure of the company of Mr. -H. A. D’Arcy, author of “The Face Upon the Floor,” which we misnamed -in past issues “The Face Upon the Barroom Floor.” This masterpiece -undoubtedly stands first among popular present day poems, judging -from the many requests we received from Whiz Bang readers for its -republication. To Ye Editor Mr. D’Arcy told the history of how “The Face -Upon the Floor” was inspired: - - “Away back in the early 80’s Union Square in New York was - called ‘The Rialto’ agreeable to the fact that it was the - theatrical center of America. On the corner of Fourth avenue - and Fourteenth street, a very excellent saloon was run by Joe - Schmidt and it was kept fairly full from noon to midnight with - respectable members of the sock and buskin, and amusement - promoters. One Saturday evening in August, 1887, a table in - front of the bar was occupied by a bunch of managers. We were - combining business with pleasure, booking time and enjoying the - very excellent beer and spirits available in those happy days. - It was probably about 11 o’clock when a mendicant shambled in - and approached our table. With a sad, husky voice, he said, - ‘Gentlemen, I want a drink.’ All eyes were turned to the - derelict and someone at the table offered one of the untasted - glasses of whisky which was quickly swallowed. Joe behind the - bar yelled, ‘Get out.’ - - “The waiter in front quickly seized the beggar and threw him - out of the swinging door; to make the situation more dramatic, - a rough haired terrier dog named ‘Toby’ and pet of the saloon - jumped at the poor devil and fastened on his pants. ‘Toby’ - always thought it his duty to chase poor people, and had an - innate antipathy to jumpers or pants not duly pressed. - - “Well, several of the party got up from the table and went out - to see what had happened to the poor wretch. He was lying on - the sidewalk with his face halfway in the gutter. We gathered - him up, brushed him off a little, wiped his face and someone - went into the saloon and brought out another drink of whisky. - Several coins were carefully dropped into the inside pocket of - his coat. This was done surreptitiously so that he would not - know the money was there until the tomorrow. As we left him on - a door step next door I asked what his trade was and he managed - to tell me he was an artist. I held that this man was not a - professional beggar, a derelict true, but probably had once - been a talented man. The argument was taken up by several other - gentlemen in the room and waxed warm until I got angry and with - a curt “good night” bolted out of the saloon. On my way home, - I determined to write up the story in such a way as would make - my argument good and satisfy Joe Schmidt that I was not wholly - chicken-hearted. I also was pretty sure of winning the fair - hostess to my way of thinking. As I walked along I composed in - my mind the first two lines: - - _“’Twas a balmy summer evening and a goodly crowd was there,_ - _That well-nigh filled Joe’s bar-room on the corner of the - Square.”_ - - “The measure was a happy iambic tetrameter and fitted the - story, and before going to bed, I jotted down the first two - lines which I have always found the hardest to compose, next - day I finished the story. When Joe read it, I saw tears in his - eyes. It was published in the New York Dispatch. Joe bought a - hundred copies of the paper and sent 25 to the Buffalo Bill - Co. who were playing in London and among whom both he and I - had many friends. Cody and Major Burke circulated the copies - among their theatrical friends and before many months three - vaudevillians were reciting the poem at the big music halls, - then Sam Bernard set America crazy with it and yet after over - thirty years, it is still a popular ‘act’ and wins excellent - booking. - - “I have been often told that my story set the pace for - prohibition. I sincerely hope not. If I thought that I had - helped that unfortunate law, I would walk down to the dock and - kick myself into the river. ‘The Face Upon the Floor’ is not - a temperance story, but an admonition to the world, not to - despise the unfortunate derelict.” - -In this issue we are pleased to publish another poem by Mr. D’Arcy and -have his promise of more to follow. And let me add, I found Mr. D’Arcy -a regular fellow, well met, an excellent conversationalist and a fine -reminder of the good old days. - - * * * * * - -Gus, our ex-hired man, escorted a petite young lady to her apartment. - -“Just as I was putting my arm around her,” Gus reports, “a man walked in.” - -“My gawsch, my husband!” exclaimed the girl. - -“Oh, busy honey?” the intruder remarked, as he walked out. - - * * * * * - -Our new hired man, Ikey, from the cities, is so absentminded that when he -went in the stable to saddle a horse, he was surprised to find, after a -half hour’s work, that he had the saddle on himself and he spent another -half hour in vain trying to climb on his own back. - - * * * * * - -The Wa-hoo-wa Bird - -Ladies and Gentlemen, I take great pleasure in presenting to you the -Wa-hoo-wa Bird. The only bird of its kind in captivity today. This -strange bird comes from the far off shores of the Isle of Borneo where -it rears its young among the crannies and crags of the mountainous -coastline. Now the particular strange thing about this bird is that it -only mates once every one hundred years, and after having mated, it -crawls, half drags, half flies, until it gets itself to the topmost -pinnacle of the long, tall, lofty rubber tree. Casting its eyes to the -heavens it cries in tones of ecstacy “Wa-hoo-wa,” which, translated in -the language of the natives, means “My Gawsch, Mamma, ain’t love grand!” - - * * * * * - -Deciding the Race - -Pat and Mike were to run a race to a tree by different routes. - -Pat—“If oi get there first oi’ll make a mark on the tree with this chalk, -Mike, and if you get there first you rub it off.” - - * * * * * - -The Old Boy’s Chatter - -The fellow who marries a bow-legged girl these days has no excuse that he -can’t see what he’s getting. - - * * * * * - -He doesn’t dress so neat on work days, but he wears his new hat on his -week end. - - * * * * * - -This Bends in the Middle - -Santa Claus played a dirty trick on the bow-legged girls, didn’t he? - -Why? - -See what he put in their stockings! - - * * * * * - -Another Version of It - -No matter how pretty a bow-legged girl may be; she is always in bad shape. - - * * * * * - -Did you ever go to the postoffice to attend the graduation exercises of a -correspondence school class? - - * * * * * - -The Charity Bazaar - -“How much am I offered for this pie?” sang out the auctioneer. - -“Six bits,” one youth bid. - -“Who will make it eighty? Just imagine, you get the girl and all!” - -“Say, mister,” ejaculated the youth, “what kind of pie is it you’re -selling?” - - * * * * * - -Shed Tears, Brothers - - Yep, I’ve quit th’ holdup game, - I’ll hang ’round joints no more. - So with a sigh - And a faint little cry - The garter stretched out on the floor! - - * * * * * - -Our Monthly Maxim - -A bell’s a bell even though it is on a cow. - - * * * * * - -Our Monthly Toast - - For fill up your glasses, - And fill ’em up full, - And drink to the health - Of the Pedigreed Bull. - - * * * * * - -Indoor Sports - -(From “The Blue Lagoon,” a novel.) - -Her ears were small and like little white shells. He would take one -between finger and thumb and play with it as if it were a toy, pulling at -the lobe of it or trying to flatten out the curved part. Her breasts, her -shoulders, her knees, her little feet, every bit of her, he would examine -and play with and kiss. She would lie and let him, seeming absorbed in -some far-away thought, of which he was the object; then all at once her -arms would go round him. All this used to go on in the broad light of -day, under the shadow of the artu leaves, with no one to watch except the -bright-eyed birds in the leaves above. - - * * * * * - -Not In Robbinsdale - -Hello, is this the chief of the Fire Department? - -Yes, this is the chief. - -Well, my house is on fire. - -How long has it been burnin’? - -Half hour. - -Did you try puttin’ water on it? - -Yes, but it won’t go out. - -Then ’taint no use in us comin’ over, because that’s all we could do. -G’Bye! - - * * * * * - -Women are the greatest edition in the world and no man should be without -a copy. - - * * * * * - -Parlor Story - -A southern restaurant serves eggs with all meat orders. A patron ordered -pork chops. - -“Boss, how do yo’ all want yo’ eggs,” inquired the waiter. - -“Oh, you can eliminate the eggs.” - -The waiter repeated the order to the colored chef and added “liminate dem -eggs.” - -The chef scratched his head. “Sambo, yo tell dat customer ah ain’t got no -time this mawning to liminate dem eggs and that he all will have to have -dem cooked some oder way.” - - * * * * * - -Speaking About Atrocities - -The occupants of the parlor car of the limited were startled by the -abrupt entrance of two masked bandits. “T’row up yer hands,” commanded -the bigger of the two. “We’re gonna rob all the gents and kiss all the -gals.” - -“No, pardner,” responded the smaller one gallantly, “We’ll rob all the -gents but we’ll leave the ladies alone.” - -“Mind your own business, young fellow,” snapped a female passenger of -uncertain age, “The big man’s robbing this train.” - - * * * * * - -Pat’s Practical Piety - -The ice in the river was thin as Pat started to “feel” his way across. -Every time Pat put down his right foot he muttered reverently “Praise the -Lord,” and as the left foot hit the thin ice, “The devil ain’t such a bad -man.” - -At the other side of the river, Pat, with a sigh of relief, turned back -and said “Tuhel with both of yez.” - - * * * * * - -Useless Effort - -Paddy Ryan in Ireland inherited a pile of money and decided to tour -France. He hired a guide who steered him up a mountain. After a full -day’s climb they reached the summit. - -“See ze beautiful valley,” said the guide to Paddy, pointing below. - -“Sure,” stormed the Irishman, “if it’s so dom beautiful in the valley -what the divil for did you bring me ’way up here?” - - * * * * * - -And He Got It - -“You are working too hard,” said a policeman to a man who was drilling a -hole in a safe at 2:00 o’clock in the morning. - -“What do you mean?” asked the burglar in a disconcerted tone. - -“I mean you need arrest,” answered the policeman. - - * * * * * - -It Rained Keys, Bo! - -I met a wonderful girl yesterday afternoon, and she invited me up to -her apartment. That night she told me to stand in front of the door and -whistle three times and she would throw down the key. - -Boys, I never saw so many keys in all my life. - - * * * * * - -I could print a lot of real funny stories, but what’s the use, you would -only laugh at them. - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the first thing that turns green in the -spring?—=_Uppan Attim_=. - -Christmas jewelry. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captun_=: My kid brother’s a great chicken chaser. He came home -late last night all dizzy; d’you think he was drinkin’ or what’s the -matter?—=_Ida Sinkey_=. - -‘Swimmin’ in the head. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Whiz Bang Bill_=—Is there much food values in dates?—=_Ona Dyett_=. - -It all depends on who you make them with. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—What is a Sly Oodle?—=_Nat. U. List_=. - -’Tis a small weasel that sleeps in the crotch of a tree, and swallows its -nose to keep it from freezing. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—A fellow asked me a funny question the other day. -Why is a crow? Seems sort of silly. Do you know the answer?—=_M. T. -Kann_=. - -That’s easy. Caws. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a Nabisco?—=_Ray Vaughan_=. - -It consists of two pieces of tissue paper with a little honey between. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Would it hurt me to sleep between two -windows?—=_I. Foozle_=. - -You would have a “pane” on the chest and back, and a “catch” on your side. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is a good name for a new college sorority?—=_Al -E. Wrat_=. - -I. Phelta Thi. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is a sculptor?—=_Cant E. Lope_=. - -A man that makes faces and busts. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is dust?—=_Hose Ette_=. - -Mud with the juice squeezed out. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Is hair tonic a good drink?—=_J. Fewbrains_=. - -Would advise you not to drink hair tonic as it will raise a mustache on -your appendix and if you should laugh you would tickle yourself to death. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Farmer Bill_=—Please inform me where milk comes from.—=_A City -Girl_=. - -From cow faucets. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—If my father was a duke and my mother was a duchess, -what would that make me?—=_Watts D. Yoos_=. - -Why, I guess you would be Duke’s Mixture. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—Tell me something interesting about auction -bridge.—=_Adeline Moore_=. - -All we know about is Brooklyn Bridge, and that is just one long suspense. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capn._=—What did my beau mean when he told me he would meet me in -the future?—=_Sarah Desert_=. - -Probably he meant in the pasture. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is a drydock?—=_Torchy_=. - -A physician who won’t give us prescriptions. - - * * * * * - -The Farm That Bull Built - - Oh! over the hill to Robbinsdale, - For a slap on the back and a hearty hail. - Where the cows do tricks in the new mown hay, - And the Bull is thrown in a very quaint way. - - Where Gus is tired from morn till night, - And the old silo is always tight. - Where the chickens sing and the roosters crow, - And the corn does a hoe-down row on row. - - So up the road to the Whiz Bang farm - Where the onions grow but do no harm. - It’s a merry crowd that slings the hoe - On Billy’s farm. Come gang let’s go. - - * * * * * - -_They tell me people are so tough in South St. Paul they play -Tiddly-Winks with the sewer covers. Zatright?_ - - * * * * * - -Fable of a Poodle - -Once there was a guy who wished that he was a rich woman’s lap-dog, when -suddenly a Great Genii appeared before him and granted his wish, telling -him that any time he wished to be changed back to a man, he should slip -out of the rich lady’s house and come to the home of the Genii, in a -distant part of the city. - -Being only a dog, he soon grew tired of his pampered life, and since he -was really a dog, the kisses and petting of his pretty mistress failed to -produce the “kick” that he had anticipated. - -So, he slipped out of the house, and found himself on a broad and -spacious avenue, lined with trees, telegraph poles and iron fence posts. - -Now, that was many moons ago, but up to the present writing, the little -doggie has not reached the Genii’s house to be changed back to a man. - -MORAL: It’s a poor wish that won’t work two ways. - - * * * * * - -French Proverbs - -(Selected by Rev. G. L. Morrill.) - -_Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants nothing more to do -with them._ - -_Since Cupid is represented with a torch in his hand, why did they place -virtue on a barrel of gunpowder?_ - -_A woman forgives everything but the fact that you do not covet her._ - -_Fools never understand people of wit._ - - * * * * * - -Outside the Show - -“Hello, Bill, how did you enjoy the show last night?” - -“Fine, Joe. Wasn’t that some pippin in the bathing suit?” - -“Yep, Bill!” - -“Well, I saw her without the suit on today.” - -!!!!!——————(street clothes?) - - * * * * * - -Familiarity Breeds Contempt - -John Philip Sousa traveled six thousand miles to hear the celebrated -chimes of an English church. As he was drawing near the place the -wonderful chimes rang out, and enraptured, Sousa exclaimed to the driver -of the vehicle, “You folk are indeed fortunate to live within sound of -those heavenly chimes.” - -“I can’t hear a word you say,” shouted the driver irritably, “them d—— -bells deafen me.” - - * * * * * - -As You Were - -Sexton—“Dogs are not allowed here, sir.” - -Visitor—“That’s not my dog.” - -Sexton—“Not your dog? Why, he’s following you.” - -Visitor—“Well, so are you.” - - * * * * * - -We Pull Lots of These - -A cross-eyed man at a dance hall said “May I have the next dance, -please?” Two girls answered as with one voice, “With pleasure.” - - * * * * * - -That Reminds Me - -Algernon—Dearest, I could sit here forever gazing into your charming eyes -and listening to the wash of the ocean. - -The Girl—That reminds me, Honey. I have a laundry bill and I’m dead broke. - - * * * * * - -There’s one thing I can’t eat for breakfast and that is supper. - - * * * * * - -While a darky was being led to the gallows a crowd of people ran past him. - -“What yo all running fo?” yelled Sambo after them, “Dey ain’t nothin’ -gwine to happen till ah gets dere.” - - * * * * * - -He is so stingy he goes to the postoffice to fill his fountain pen. - - * * * * * - -April Fool - -Johnny (running into the room of his mother on April 1st)—“Mama, there’s -a strange man kissing our maid.” - -Mother—“What, a strange man?” - -Johnny—“April fool, it’s only papa.” - - * * * * * - -Curbstone Comedy - -He stopped the balky car. - -“Honey, I must get out and spank the engine over the ears.” - -“Oh, engine-ears!” - - * * * * * - -We Pass - -The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled look. - -“Your face is familiar to me, but I can’t place you,” she said. - -“Let bygones be bygones, baby,” replied the soldier, “I used to be a -policeman.” - - * * * * * - -Riddle-de-doot! - -Where did you get that rose? - -That isn’t a rose, that’s a geranium. - -No, it isn’t. It’s a rose. - -I said it’s a geranium. - -How do you spell it? - -It’s a rose all right. - - * * * * * - -_My girl has Pullman teeth._ - -_One upper and one lower._ - - * * * * * - -Colorado Springs is sure some town. Had to go up to the city hall to get -a permit from the mayor to play a game of dominoes. - - * * * * * - -This wash board is a hundred years old. - -Yes, it surely is wrinkled. - - * * * * * - -Punctuation - -“Men are naturally grammatical.” - -“Yes?” - -“When they see an abbreviated skirt they always look after it for a -period.” - - * * * * * - -Chalk Up One Error - -Chicago.—Mrs. R. Kelly sat watching a thrilling movie. Without taking her -eyes off the film, she landed an uppercut on the jaw of the man sitting -next to her. “I must have made a mistake,” Jake Cohen told the judge. “I -didn’t know I put my hand on her knee!” - - * * * * * - -Remember This One? - - The first scene is that of a gambler, - Who has lost all his money at play; - Takes his dead mother’s ring from her finger - Which she wore on her wedding day, - His last earthly treasure he stakes it - Bows his head the shame he may hide. - When they raised up his head, - They found he was dead - ’Tis a picture from life’s other side. - - * * * * * - -“Say, Mr. Jones, what do you want to get married for?” - -“Because I don’t want my name to die out.” - - * * * * * - - “You don’t love me any more,” - She sobbed and bowed her head. - “What tuhel’s the difference,” - The villainous rascal said. - - * * * * * - -A cat, mistaking a ball of wool for a meat ball, swallowed it, and sure -enough when she had kittens they had on sweaters. - - * * * * * - -Child’s is a great place to eat. Went in there yesterday and amongst the -dirty dishes on the table I found thirty cents. - - - - -_Movie Hot Stuff_ - - -These be dull days in the movie and even the stage world. The dark -clouds of the Arbuckle case still hang over the two “arts,” thanks to -the obdurate lady juror who caused a disagreement in the San Francisco -trial. The pleasantly informal old days, when Wallie Reid could run up to -’Frisco and pelt eggs upon pedestrians from the fourteenth floor of the -St. Francis Hotel, are long past. One simply =_has_= to be circumspect -these days. - -After Whiz Bang’s comments upon the way the New York stage was getting -away with salaciousness came a police investigation of “The Demi-Virgin,” -the gentle whimsy with the strip poker game. The farce was severely -condemned by the police commissioner—but it is still running and to -crowded houses. The risque plays have had one or two additions since we -wrote last. - -For instance, there’s David Belasco’s adaptation of the French farce, -“Kiki,” with a little gutter gamin of the French music hall as its -heroine. Mr. Belasco has substituted the word marriage for liaison -throughout but the intent is there—and the lines, oh, boy! Once Kiki -remarks “The men are like cats—they follows us as though our veins were -full of catnip!” Then there is a whole act in which Kiki—posing as a -rigid somnambulist—is carried and tossed about by the various members of -the cast, all the time dressed only in a simple pair of open work pajamas. - -We aren’t intimating that “Kiki” isn’t entertaining. It is. But, the -latitude they get away with! Meanwhile the censors go on cutting out -bathing girls from our films and making sure there is no indication ever -shown that babies are born. - - * * * * * - -Charlie Ray, spats, cane, trick overcoat with its fur collar, et al., -has been making his first visit to New York and not creating a ripple -of interest. Of course, friend wife was along. We saw Ray strolling up -Fifth Avenue the other day—and nobody knew the ornate pedestrian as the -simple country boy of the films. They tell me that Ray takes himself -very seriously and left the cynical New York reporters dizzy with his -confessions about his “mission in life.” - - * * * * * - -Jack Pickford continues to loiter about New York. There are all sorts of -rumors linking Jack up with pretty Marilyn Miller o’ the Follies. Marilyn -lost her husband, Frank Carter, in an auto accident some time ago and is -as pleasant a little widow as the White Lights possess. Maybe Marilyn -has an eye towards the screen. By the way, those reports of an impending -family event in the Fairbanks family still persists. What could be nicer? - - * * * * * - -Poor Eric von Stroheim! We sympathize with him despite his Junker -physiognomy. He is telling sad tales of his treatment at the hands of -Universal. After finishing “Foolish Wives,” they took the negative away -from him, hired somebody or other to cut it—and Eric came on to New York -to find out where he stood. - -At last reports he is still trying to find out. Overheard him in a hotel -recently telling his troubles. Now and then a tear splashed in the soup. -You see, they have taken his brain child—his masterpiece—away and are -letting some cruel inartistic outsider cut it any old way. It seems that -Carl Laemmle, prexy of Universal, became irate over the way “Foolish -Wives” cost money and never seemed to finish. Eric says they put all -sorts of obstructions in his way. They locked cutting room doors, held -up his pet plans, and all that, according to Eric. Finally—whisper, for -it may only be a pipe dream—Eric organized and armed his army of extras -after the fashion of Mr. William Hohenzollern and presented an ultimatum. -He got what he wanted. Pause to consider the news story that nearly came -out of Universal. Suppose Eric had cut the communication wires, tried -military gas on the officials and made the studio into an armed camp. It -sounds fishy, of course, but have you ever met the tense Mr. Von Stroheim? - -At that we feel awfully sorry for him. He =_has_= unusual directorial -ability and he is—or was—the one able person at Universal. And now, after -making “Foolish Wives,” which, if it doesn’t get barred by the censors, -ought to be a whirlwind, he seems to be getting the gate. - - * * * * * - -Aren’t those morality clauses the high minded movie producers are -inserting into their actor contracts the bunk? Imagine the nerve. Will -Rogers gave the best summary when he declared, “Say, if any one hands me -a contract with one of them clauses, I’ll say, you sign it first.” He is -in New York doing a turn on the Ziegfeld roof. The best line of his act -is: “I’m the only guy who ever went to California and came back with the -same wife.” - - * * * * * - -One of the funniest kick backs from the Arbuckle case occurred at -Vitagraph, where they had Maclyn Arbuckle (no relation to Fatty), under -contract to be co-starred in “The Prodigal Judge,” which he had played -for years on the stage. Just as the picture was completed, a little San -Francisco scandal broke. Vitagraph decided that it couldn’t afford to -feature Mr. Maclyn =_Arbuckle_= at this time. This despite the fact that -Mr. Maclyn was a well known star before Fatty was ever heard of. But -luckily he had a sense of humor. So he said, “Oh, well (maybe it wasn’t -exactly that), you can’t buck such reasoning,” and let his name go into -tiny type. - - * * * * * - -Very Well - - I said she’d made with me a hit— - Very well. - Perhaps I was a trifle lit— - Very well. - I told her that she was divine, - She let me hold her hand in mine, - In short—I handed out my line - Very well. - - I whispered softly in her ear, - Very well. - ’Twas, how appropriately! dear— - Very well. - I drew her snugly to my breast, - While she, not daring to protest - Cleaned out the pockets of my vest. - Very well. - - * * * * * - -A Tough Steak - -Cannibal No. 1—What makes the chief such a bunk spreader? - -Cannibal No. 2—He just ate the editor of Whiz Bang. - - * * * * * - -Nah, Nah! - -“Is my wife forward?” asked the passenger on the Limited. - -“She wasn’t to me sir,” answered the conductor politely. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Hats off to a real man of the cloth. The Rev. D. H. Jones has resigned -the pulpit of Huntington Park, California, Baptist Church, because of the -fanatical attempts of his flock to enforce Sunday closing. - - “I prefer to dwell with the worldling and be true to my inner - self than to live with the saint and betray it,” Reverend Jones - says. - - “There is a way to make the church the super-attraction; but - it will never be done by coercing the consciences of men. The - Cross of Christ is proving to be the greatest magnet in the - world, but use it as a club, and it will become a colossal - failure.” - - “Killed professionally, yes. But, frankly, I would rather be a - man than a minister. Character is greater than profession.” - - “I would just as soon believe that the perfume of the rose - comes from the polecat as to believe that the spirit of the - blue laws comes from God.” - - “Christ whipped men out of the church, but never into it. - ‘Professional reformers’ and ‘Christian lobbyists’ at - Washington may mean well, but most of them are misguided - swivel-chair heroes of the Cross.” - - “‘Close every door except the church’s,’ cries the reformer, - forgetting that open hearts are greater inducements than closed - doors.” - - “The doctrine behind the blue laws is this: ‘I am in the right - and you are in the wrong. When you are stronger than I, you - ought to tolerate; for it is your duty to tolerate truth. But - when I am the stronger, I shall persecute you; for it is my - duty to persecute error.’” - - “All the proposed Sunday legislation is simply a human attempt - to whitewash what God designed to wash white. To condemn movies - because some things may be objectionable is like refusing to - eat fish because it contains bones.” - - “When human passion is subdued, when the turbulent tide ebbs, - we see that the big thing that lies at the bottom of the - opposition of theatre opening on Sunday, is simply bigotry.” - - “It is a wonder to me how many bad things good people see in - the movies; fortunately, if you are so disposed, you need never - be disappointed. The product of a legal religion has ever been - and ever will be either hypocrisy or persecution.” - - * * * * * - -A little white coffin rested on a small table, covered with flowers white -as the waxen face and fair hair of the baby child whose short life of -thirteen months’ suffering was ended. - -A small company of kind neighbors was present. The clergyman repeated -the Saviour’s words, “Suffer the children to come unto me and forbid -them not, for of such is the kingdom of heaven,” and told how the little -life had not paid in dollars and cents, but that judged by an immortal -existence begun here, and to last forever, Death was gain. After the -father, sisters and brothers said “Good-bye,” the mother took the last -farewell kiss of her baby and baptized it anew with her hot falling -tears. So small was the casket that the undertaker lifted it in his -arms, just as the mother had the sick child, and carried it to the -carriage and placed it on the seat. - -We entered the beautiful green cemetery, and lowered the little -flower-decked coffin in the grave to rest until God’s “Good morning” in -the graveless, griefless home of heaven. As I looked back, the mound -seemed so small that a child could step over it in his play, but I knew -it was higher than a mountain top to the mother because in it was buried -all her love and hope. - -So we left the little casket and the little body in the little grave, -feeling that this bud of promise would be transplanted to the Eternal -Garden where the full flower would blossom and bloom without decay. - - * * * * * - -The Detroit Free-Press calls it the “Snoopers’ Brigade,” and we are -inclined to think that is a well-fitting title for the aggregation of -people who are urging the formation of a society that would compel all -men to be spies upon neighbors and reporters upon their actions. - -Sometime ago a federal prohibition commissioner announced plans for such -an association, but he immediately discovered that the people of the -United States are not ready to become investigators of their neighbors’ -conduct, in any particular, and the project was squelched by higher -authority. - -The courts of the country are, very generally, excluding testimony -obtained by men who lead others into the commission of crime, and -properly; they regard such actions as a conspiracy to break the law, -which makes the tempter a partner in the crime. - -In a Mississippi case, where it appeared that a peace officer induced a -man to purchase liquor for him and then arrested the man who succumbed -to his blandishments, the judge ordered the accused discharged and the -officer held. The official was subsequently convicted of his part in the -crime, and the supreme court sustained the verdict against him. - -There is a very general misapprehension on this subject and acts of the -officials have been winked at because the public really did not know what -was going on and did not realize the extent of the practice indulged in -by what are very generally called stool pigeons. - -The laws of this or any other state may be enforced without making all -the people detectives, as the Snoopers’ League would have them, or -without permitting the practice of certain classes of officials, who -sometimes literally hire men to commit a crime, in order that that very -crime may be suppressed. - - * * * * * - -_Where did I get my education? Why, me dad used to take me over his knee. -He made me smart._ - - * * * * * - -Bully for the Chicago Tribune. That journal slips the prong into Bluenose -Crafts in a recent issue: - - It is beginning to appear that the movement led by Mr. Crafts - is as bigoted and as savage in its purpose as those which we - thought were buried in the semi-barbarous past. It must be held - that no human uplift but maniacal desire to inflict physical - punishment is the motive. Mr. Crafts and his followers wish to - put as many of their fellow countrymen as possible in jail, and - they are trying to wreck this republic in order to do so. - - * * * * * - -Farmyard Notes - -Chickens get tough when they run around too much. - - * * * * * - -Be it ever so humble, there’s no flower like the cauli. - - * * * * * - -A bird in the oven is worth two in the bush and a berry in the bush is -not worth two in the hand. - - * * * * * - -_I wish I was cross-eyed, then I could stand on a windy day and gaze at -a lady wearing a short skirt, right in the eye and still have a guilty -conscience._ - - * * * * * - -Cellar Ancestry - - The potatoes eyes were full of tears, - And the cabbage hung its head, - For there was grief in the cellar that nite, - For the vinegar’s mother was dead. - - * * * * * - -_You can lead a cow to water but the Bull—he must be herd._ - - * * * * * - -As It Is In New York - -“On East Houston Street is the lasagne or ravioli belt where the gay boys -from out of town take the leading ladies of the jobber plants out for a -wild evening,” writes O. O. McIntyre. “You know the gay out-of-town man. -He carries a patent cigar lighter and has a sterling silver monogrammed -belt buckle and, oh, yes, a handkerchief with a purple border. His eyes -are blue and he wrinkles them in a merry twinkle, at least he thinks it -is a merry twinkle, but it’s just the sap oozing out. The Leading Lady -knows Broadway because she reads Broadway Brevities and her theory of -life in the abstract is that Ladies Must Live. After the first quart of -red ink, he whispers a story the boys told him in front of the Bon Ton -Store before he left for the east. She pulls the two gun, hair-trigger -Bill Hart stuff and says ‘Naughty Man.’ To complete the evening and -display the ultimate in savoir faire he calls loudly to the waiter: -‘L’addition, s’il vous plait garcon.’ They ride to one of the Oranges in -a quick-firing metered taxi and he returns to the McAlpin to write the -wife and kiddies of his lonesomeness.” - - * * * * * - -New York - -_This is the old famous New York poem, credited to a former collector -of the port as author, but denied. However, you’ll note that every word -carries a wallop and so we herewith, with your kind permission, republish -it_: - - Vulgar of manner, overfed, - Over dressed, and underbred, - Heartless, Godless, hell’s delight, - Rude by day, lewd by night, - Bedwarfed the man, enlarged the brute, - Ruled by Jew and prostitute - Purple robed and pauper clad - Raving, rioting, money mad— - A squirming herd of Mammon’s mesh, - A wilderness of human flesh. - Crazed by avarice, lust and rum— - New York! Thy name’s “Delirium.” - - * * * * * - -Farm Life - -“I see you are keeping your hired man all right now, Ezra.” - -“Yep, keeping him all right.” - -“He seems satisfied, too. How’d you do it?” - -“Did everything he asked me to. Let him work only four hours and eat with -the family. He got to complaining of dull evenings, so every night I give -him the use of a car of his own, and the money to spend, to go to the -movies in town.” - -“That ought to satisfy him.” - -“It didn’t, though. He complained of his room, and so I coaxed my son to -trade rooms with him. Then he seemed more settled like.” - -“I notice you’ve cut off your whiskers, Ezra.” - -“Yeah. Some more of that hired man’s notions.” - -“How’s that?” - -“He complained they tickled him every time I kissed him good-night.” - - * * * * * - -Wah, Wah! - -“Golly, Moses! Dey got strawberries and cherries and all kinds o’ fruit -covered wit candy. What kind shall ah git?” - -“Git a choc’lat covered watermillion.” - - * * * * * - -Sic ’em, Tige! - -“What you need is a tonic to sharpen your appetite,” said the Doctor. “By -the way, what is your occupation?” - -“I am a sword swallower in a circus side-show,” replied the caller. - - * * * * * - -_Little Joe says, “They am jest as many sebbens on de dice as anything -else, ony dey is bashfull.”_ - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_The greatest poem of the squared circle ever brought to light is in -store for March Whiz Bang readers, “The Kid’s Last Fight.” That noted -recitation of years ago has been obtained by the Whiz Bang, reset to -verse, and will hold the boards in the March issue._ - - _The way he staggered made me sick,_ - _I stalled, McGee yelled “cop him quick!”_ - _The crowd was wise and yellin’ “fake,”_ - _They’d seen the chance I wouldn’t take._ - - * * * * * - -“Chi Slim” Twangs ’is Bloomin’ Lyre - -By J. Eugene Chrisman. - -_Author of “Poppies,” written exclusively for Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang._ - - By the lake-front near Chicago with her elbows on her knee - There’s a widder-woman waiting and I know she waits for me; - When the wind is from the stock-yards every odor seems to say - “Come you back you lost star-boarder, come you back you skunk and pay!” - - Her apron it was greasy and her hair it hung in strings, - And her name was Sarah Lukens but it had been lots o’ things! - When I saw her first a’diggin’ up the makin’s for a stew - And she wasn’t wastin’ nothing that a dog could chaw in two. - Blinkin’ rough for me to lead, tooth-less, sallow and knock-knee’d - Wasn’t carin’ much for class tho—what I needed was a feed. - - When the bunch had grabbed their hand-out and we had ’em on the go, - Then she’d start me for “Dutch” Ryan’s with a two-bit piece to throw. - With her head upon my shoulder at the second growler full, - She was lonesome bo, that widder with the rough-stuff that she’d pull! - How I used to feed her full of the “mush-talk” and the bull - For the snow had begun blowin’ and I didn’t like to pull! - - But that’s all put behind me, long ago and far away - Since I hit out for St. Looey one night on the C. & A. - But they’re tellin’ in the jungles that the winter’s one best bet - For a young and handsome hobo is to be a widder’s pet. - Oh them boardin’ kitchen smells as she fed me jams and jells - And the skuts of “suds” from Ryans—I won’t ever need naught else! - - Ship me somewhere south of “Chi” though where the bloomin’ mob ain’t - cursed - With a Volstead disposition and a man can quench his thirst - For the winter snows are falling and its there that I would be - Either Juarez or Havana with a widder on my knee! - - * * * * * - -Charley Wong - -_Copyrighted. By permission of the Author, Green Room Club, New York._ - -By H. A. D’Arcy. - - The west was pretty wild when Bill Durant and I went out, - ’Twer in ’59 or ’60, somewhar that about, - Bill took his pretty wife along (they’d been wed about a year), - A buxom kind of girl she war, that never thought o’ fear. - - And I don’t know that she needed to, for the miners one and all, - Would have fought for her like devils if she’d ever made the call; - And afore we’d fairly built a hut to keep her from the damp - A little baby gal was born—the first one in the camp. - - And didn’t the boys keep Christmas? Well, I’m shoutin’ now they did; - Why, they all got roarin’ full that night just in honor o’ the kid; - And by the time that baby were a little tot o’ three years old, - She had a big tomato can just filled with virgin gold. - - I built a cabin ’bout a quarter mile away from Bill’s, - So we both had kinder cozy homes protected by the hills; - And Charley Wong, the Chinaman, had opened handy by - The laundry o’ the canyon, and he washed for Bill and I. - - Now, Chinamen ain’t liked too well, and one day in a row - Charley got pretty badly used, I disremember now - Just what the trouble war about, but Bill war in the fray, - And he helped to beat the Chinaman in a rather brutal way. - - Durant weren’t bad at heart, ye know, but like too many others, - He didn’t like Mongolians, nor own ’um men and brothers; - And I often heard him say that if the Chinamen wer near - He’d cut the leper’s pigtail off and stick it through his ear. - - One evening Lizzie (Durant’s wife) and little Tot, the child, - Were comin’ homeward down the hills when all at once a wild - And fearful howl were heard behind—two wolves were on their track, - Liz says she stopped and grabbed the child and threw it on her back. - - Then shrieking aloud for help, she ran, as swift as any hind - Toward the Chinese laundry hut—the wolves came fast behind; - Nearer and nearer on they came; then reaching Charley’s door, - The mother, with her precious load, fell prone upon the floor. - - Bill and I were talkin’ when we heard the fearful cries, - And rushing to the laundry the sight that met our eyes - Was far too horrible to tell, for thar was Charley Wong - Dead, and a blood-stained knife in hand full fifteen inches long. - - He’d fought a fearful battle; one brute wer by his side - With its entrails all hanging out, and blood stains on its hide; - But t’ other had got its work in afore Bill and I got there, - And wer gnawing Charley’s throat and face till the bones were laying - bare. - - Wall, we made quick work o’ Mr. Wolf, we filled ’um full o’ lead, - Then gathered child and mother up and took ’em home to bed, - Next day when Lizzie told her tale, Bill’s eyes were full o’ tears, - He didn’t brag much sentiment, and hadn’t wept for years. - - Poor “Washee!” when we packed him up the camp boys stood around - Each one with hat in hand and tearful eyes cast on the ground; - We shipped the corpse to ’Frisco, with a bag o’ the yellow dust - To pay the freight to Pekin—to “Rest In Peace,” I trust. - - But ever after that, if any man had got the face - To say Chinese wer yallow dogs, he’d better quit the place; - For thar ain’t a name more holy held in Canyon Idlewild - Than Charley Wong, the Chinaman, that saved Bill’s wife and child. - - * * * * * - -A horse fly eats whip crackers. - - * * * * * - -The Song of Camille - - Sitting alone by my window, - Watching the moonlit street, - Bending my head to listen, - To the well-known sound of your feet - I have been wondering darling - How I can bear the pain, - When I watch with sighs and tear-wet eyes, - And wait for your coming in vain. - - For I know that the day approaches, - When your heart will tire of me, - When by door and gate I must watch and wait, - For a form I shall not see. - For the love that is now my heaven - The kisses that make my life, - You will bestow on another, - And that other will be your wife. - - You will grow weary of sinning, - Though you do not call it so - You will long for a love that is purer - Than the love that we two know, - God knows I love you dearly - With a passion strong as true, - But you will grow tired and leave me - Though I gave up all for you. - - I was pure as the morning - When I first looked on your face, - I knew I could never reach you - In your high exalted place, - But I looked and loved and worshipped - As a flower might worship a star - And your eyes shown down upon me - And you seemed so far, so far. - - And then? Well then you loved me - Loved me with all your heart, - But we could not stand at the altar - We were so far apart. - If a star should wed with a flower, - The star must drop from the sky - Or the flower in trying to reach it - Would droop on its stem and die. - - But you said that you loved me darling, - And swore by the heavens above - That the Lord and all of his Angels - Would sanction and bless our love, - And I? I was weak, not wicked, - My love was as pure as true, - And sin itself seemed a virtue, - If only shared by you. - - We have been happy together, - Though under the cloud of sin - But I know that the day approaches - When my chastening must begin, - You seem to think kindly of me - But you seem downhearted and blue, - But you will not always be - And I think I had better leave you. - - I know my beauty is fading, - Sin furrows the fairest brow, - And I know your heart will weary, - Of the face you smile on now. - You will take a bride on your bosom, - After you turn from me, - You will sit with your wife in the moon-light - And hold your babe on your knee. - - Oh! God I could not bear it, - I would my brain I know, - And while you love me dearly, - I think I had better go. - It is sweeter to feel my darling - And know as I fall asleep - That some would mourn me and miss me - That someone was left to weep. - - Though to die as I should in the future, - To drop in the streets some day, - Unknown, unwept and forgotten, - After you passed me away. - Perhaps the blood of the Savior, - Can wash my garments clean, - Perchance I may drift on the water, - That flows in the pastures green. - - Perchance we may meet in heaven, - And walk in the street above, - With nothing to grieve us or part us, - Since our sinning was all through love. - God says, love one another, - And down to the depths of Hell, - Well he sent the soul of a woman, - Because she loved—and fell. - - And so in the moon-light he found her, - Or found her beautiful clay, - Lifeless and pallid as marble, - For the spirit had flown away. - The farewell words she had written, - She held to her cold white breast, - And the buried blade of a dagger, - Told how she had gone to rest. - - * * * * * - -To a Mountain Rat - -By Frank B. Lindeman. - - Yes I reckon God made ye - He’s blamed for rattlesnakes, - And porcupines and woodchucks, - And if they ain’t mistakes - Ye’re a crowin’ example - Of carelessness divine, - To nigh the danger line. - - Yer winkless eye in innocence - Hides cunnin’ cussedness, - And yer skin is full to bustin’ - With a longin’ to possess - All things that don’t belong to you, - But when all’s said and done - There’s things on earth ye’ve failed to steal, - And reputation’s one. - - * * * * * - -The real John Barleycorn of older days is gone, but not forgotten. - -Those of us who knew him best, and loved him most, - -Stuck with him ’til the last drop. - - * * * * * - -Pretty (looking over the new theatre down-town)—What do you think of the -excavation? - -Witty—Oh, it’s pretty good as a whole. - - * * * * * - -The Bum and the Farmer’s Son - -One fine day, in the month of May, a dirty old bum came hiking; He sat -down by a pig pen, which was very much to his liking. On the very same -day, in the month of May, a farmer’s son came piping; Said the bum to the -son, “If you’ll only come, I will show you things to your liking. I will -show you the bees, and the cigarette trees, and the gum drop heights, -where they give away kites, and the big rock candy mountains; And the -lemonade springs, where the blue bird sings, and marbles made of crystal; -you can whiff the breeze from the mince pie trees, where the wind blows -fine and frisky; and you can join the band of Rocky Mountain Sam, and -get yourself a sword and a pistol.” The farmer’s son then went along, -listening to the bum’s merry song; and for six months they did travel. -Said the bum to the son, “When I get done, you’re going to be a little -devil.” The punk looked up with his big blue eyes, and then he said to -Sandy, “Now we’ve been a hiking all day long, now gosh darn where’s your -candy? You put a brace on my leg, and showed me how to beg, and you told -me you were my jocker; and you told me lies, when you promised me pies, -and you called me an apple knocker; I’m a goin’ back home, no more to -roam, I’m packing my junkerino; You can bet your lid, that this Hoosier -kid, won’t be any bum’s punkerino.” - - * * * * * - -Misplaced Eyebrow—“There is a hair in my soup.” - -Diplomatic Waiter—“Probably out of your mustache.” - -“I never thought of that.” - - * * * * * - -Clap, Clap, Clap, Hurray! - -“How do you like the Volstead Act?” - -“I never did care for vaudeville.” - - * * * * * - -Oh, the Merry Bells of Windsor - -Johnny was late at school and explained that a wedding at his house was -the cause of the delay. - -“That’s nice,” replied teacher, “who gave the bride away?” - -“Well,” Johnny answered, “I could have, but I kept my mouth shut.” - - * * * * * - -The Barb Wire Hairnet - - _Her has gone, her has went,_ - _Her has left I all alone,_ - _Can her never come to me,_ - _Must me always go to she?_ - _It can never was._ - - * * * * * - -Some Parties, Ahoy! - -“I suppose your wife was tickled to death at your raise in salary?” - -“She will be.” - -“Haven’t you told her yet?” - -“No, I thought I would enjoy myself for a couple of weeks first.” - - * * * * * - -Isaac Goldstein came home one evening, unexpectedly, and found a man -sitting on his wife’s lap. - -Next day he told his business partner about it. His partner asked Mr. -Goldstein what he had said to the man. - -Goldstein replied, “I didn’t even speak to him. He was a stranger.” - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - - _Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,_ - _If you don’t like my figure,_ - _Keep your hands off my shoulders._ - - * * * * * - -Finishing Touches - -“It’s snow use,” said Alvie; “we can’t go tonight.” And he hung up the -receiver, while the fluffy flakes fell on the grass outside. - - * * * * * - -Jewish Bees - -_Biz-z—Biz—Biz-ness._ - - * * * * * - -“I’m through,” cried Pedro, as he glanced over the Whiz Bang Winter -Annual. - - * * * * * - -Tar Baby - - I once knew - A Girl - Who was so modest - That she wouldn’t - Even do - Improper Fractions. - - * * * * * - -Down in Dreamy Honohula - - If I was a man in the land of orange and fig, - I would sit with my thingamabob, and play on my thingamajig. - - * * * * * - -Longfellow - -A tramp sat in the doorway of the box car, his feet dragging on the -ground. - - * * * * * - -Strike Three! - - _They are fools who kiss and tell,_ - _Thus it is the poet sings,_ - _But that is why so many girls_ - _Are sporting wedding rings._ - - * * * * * - -SHE CREPT UP TO THE SCALES LIKE AN ARAB, AND SILENTLY STOLE A WEIGH. - - * * * * * - -Motto For Poets - -If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do suck seed. - - * * * * * - -Mr. Martin of Martin’s Ferry, protests against us writing our jokes on -tissue paper so that our Philadelphia friend could see through them. - -“Tearible,” remarks Mr. Martin. - - * * * * * - -They are all roses, but some of them are pretty wild. - - * * * * * - -Will Be Dedicated By Request - - What care we for Mary’s lamb, - Now he’s long been to sleep? - We’d rather see her pretty calves - Than those old, pesky sheep. - - * * * * * - -The cold weather chills me to the bone. - -You should wear a hat. - - * * * * * - -Vengeance at Last - -_Suddenly there came a tapping as if someone were scrapping, slapping, -rapping all the poets who write “Apologies to Poe”—just outside my -chamber door._ - - * * * * * - - Old Ben Jo’ chewed slippery ellum; - Slippery ellum, - All the dern day long. - - * * * * * - -A Tough Break - -Had a great tip on a horse yesterday called cigarette, but I didn’t have -enough tobaccer. - - * * * * * - -Da, Da, Daddy - - I love them all, I love them all, - Please take me in swimmin’ - With bow-legged women. - For I love them all. - - * * * * * - -“They sure soak you here,” Gus remarked as he paid for a Turkish bath. - - * * * * * - -_“How hoarse you are this morning.”_ - -_“Yes, my husband got home very late last night.”_ - - * * * * * - -My wife and I have been holding hands for twelve years. If we ever let go -we’ll kill one another. - - * * * * * - -_My bride is a nice girl, but she sleeps with her knees up and the draft -gives me a cold._ - - * * * * * - -I’d like to see something in a lady’s combination. - -So would I. - - * * * * * - -We Found These Woids - -“Why, honey, I love you with an equatorial passion that no adding machine -can register.” - - * * * * * - -Oregon Gal - - There she goes on her toes, - All dressed up in her Sunday clothes, - Ain’t she neat, ain’t she sweet, - She has brand new stockings, - And nice big clumsy feet. - - * * * * * - -_There are a lot of towns in this country that don’t bury their dead. -They just let ’em walk around._ - - * * * * * - -Mr. and Mrs. Fish wish to announce the arrival of a couple of bouncing -minnows. - - * * * * * - -_Musicians have an easy job. While they’re at work they’re only playing._ - - * * * * * - -I asked the boy across from my farm what he got for planting potatoes. He -said, “I don’t get nothin’ when I do, but I get hell when I don’t.” - - * * * * * - -I got a fellow so drunk last night that it took three bell boys to put me -to bed. - - * * * * * - -Wanted: Man to drive. Must bring hammer and nails. - - * * * * * - -Hey, Eddie! - -Eddie was great at a party. In fact, you couldn’t have a party without -him. He was a great mixer. - - * * * * * - -Here It Is Again, Enlarged - -_Oh, Scissors, let us cut up!_ - -_Would Gillette me?_ - - * * * * * - -“I’ve come to the end of my rope,” our hero cried as he threw his cigar -away. - - * * * * * - - He mixed his beans with honey, - He’d done it all his life. - ’Twas not because he liked the taste, - But it held them on his knife. - - * * * * * - -Teddy’s Teachings - -Get the habit, like the rabbit—multiply. - - * * * * * - -Let us all join in singing that timely melody: - -“Keep her picture in your watch—you’ll love her in time.” - - * * * * * - -Going Up! - -_He started life as a chiropodist and worked his way up to be a throat -specialist._ - - * * * * * - -Don’t always stand on the same side of the pulpit. You’ll wear a hole in -the carpet. - - * * * * * - - Here’s to the girl that I kissed last - Who doesn’t kiss slow and doesn’t kiss fast, - With lips like a ruby and cheeks like a rose, - How many have kissed her God only knows. - - * * * * * - -_“I’m the King of Siam!”_ - -_“Yesiam!”_ - - * * * * * - -He left the light burning so he could see to go asleep. - - * * * * * - -Oh the Moon Shines Bright - - Look out lips, look out gums, - Look out tummy, here she comes. - - * * * * * - -Kentucky College - - Bring on the “moon,” - Ring the bell, - Near-beer! Near-beer! - S.—O.—L. - - * * * * * - -The funniest thing I ever saw was a cross-eyed woman telling her -hump-backed husband to walk straight home. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy asked for a nut cracker and her husband gave her a beer -bottle. - - * * * * * - -The 1922 Girl - - I should worry, I should care - I should marry a millionaire. - If he should die, I should cry, - I should marry my regular guy. - - * * * * * - - A little song entitled, - “OIL BY MYSELF” - By John D. - - * * * * * - -She’s a wonderful girl. She can keep a secret in four different languages. - - * * * * * - -There is no difference between me and the prohibition agent. We’re both -after the same thing. - - * * * * * - -The moral of a dog’s tail is that it invariably points to the past. - - * * * * * - -Wriggle Through This One - - We have a terrible lot to be thankful for, - Now prohibition’s here, - They’ve taken away our whisky, wines and lager beer, - They’ll take away our tobacco next, - Along with the demon rum, - We’ll have a deuce of a lot to be thankful for, - If they leave us chewing gum. - - * * * * * - -How Do You Get That Way? - -A Jewish sergeant at Camp Lee in 1918 was explaining to a rookie the -command, mark time, in the following manner: “Foist you raise yer right -foot six inches in de air and then bring the left foot alongside the -right one.” - - * * * * * - -“Lovely day, don’t you think,” said the man as he hit his thumb with the -hammer. - - * * * * * - - Two Swedes went to Ireland - To kiss the blarney stone, - But they couldn’t catch their lutefisk - Where the River Shannon flows. - - * * * * * - -Willie, your face has changed quite a bit. - -Yes, mother, dear, I’ve been washing it. - - * * * * * - -A change of wives ofttimes improves one’s disposition. - - * * * * * - -Consolation - -“Who is that terrible looking woman?” - -“That’s my sister.” - -“Oh, that’s all right; you ought to see mine.” - - * * * * * - -Dope This One - -After Theophile returned to the city he wrote to Farmer Si Hopkins -concerning a question which has been puzzling him for some time. - -“Why,” he inscribed, “do you lock up that donkey of yours so carefully -every night?” - -In due course of time came Farmer Hopkins’ reply. “Because it is too good -an *.” - - * * * * * - -Hiawatha Skinned a Squirrel - - Hiawatha skinned the squirrel, - Just sat down and went and skinned it; - Went and skinned it to a finish, - From its skin he made some mittens. - Made them with the outside inside, - Made them with the inside outside, - Made them with the fur side inside, - Made them with the skin side outside, - Made them with the warm side inside, - Made them with the cold side outside. - Had he placed the fur side outside, - Had he placed the skin side inside, - Had he placed the outside inside, - And the inside inside - Then the warm side would have been outside, - And the cold side inside, - So to get the fur side, warm side inside, - Placed the skin side, inside, outside. - Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, - inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside. - - * * * * * - -For when the One Great Scorer comes to write against your name He writes -not that you won or lost, but how you played the game. - - * * * * * - -“They don’t look natural,” said the man, as he rolled two threes. - - * * * * * - -How Kum? - -Tom—“Where have you been for the last three hours?” - -Bill—“In the saloon talking to the bartender.” - -Tom—“What did he say?” - -Bill—“No.” - - * * * * * - -Quick, Gents! - - _At sixteen, risque,_ - _Likes a naughty joke;_ - _At seventeen, blase,_ - _Tries to learn to smoke;_ - _At eighteen, mildish,_ - _Jolly just the same;_ - _At nineteen, childish,_ - _Getting rather tame;_ - _At twenty, breezy,_ - _Merely debonair;_ - _At twenty-one, uneasy;_ - _So re-bobs her hair;_ - _But when she reaches twenty-two_ - _Her rush turns to a shove,_ - _For then her motto has become:_ - _Love and let love._ - - * * * * * - -Wanted: Man with ugly face to frighten children that play in my yard. - - * * * * * - -He Calls This “Poetry” - - He’s got a swell noodle, - Our friend Ted, - He wears an eight and a half hat, - For a six and a half head. - - * * * * * - -Dusting Off the Old Ones - -Man went into German butcher shop and asked price of pork chops. To the -reply of 30 cents a pound, he remonstrated that the butcher across the -street asked only 20 cents. - -“Why don’t you buy them there, then?” asked the German. - -“I would, but he’s out,” said the customer. - -“Oh, vell, ven I’m oud, I sell ’em for only 10 sends a pound.” - - * * * * * - -Eh, Maggie? - - Here lie the bones of Peter Blunt - Down in this mothering nook. - Alas, he was too small a runt - To argue with a cook. - - * * * * * - -Warm Stuff - -“My wife made it hot for me this morning.” - -“How was that?” - -“I insisted on her getting up to build the fire.” - - * * * * * - -My Advice - - If you should marry a hootch hound - I’ll tell you what to do. - Get a leaky boat and send afloat, - And paddle your own canoe. - - * * * * * - -Chicago Tribune’s Column - -(From the Charles City, Iowa, Press) - -Manager Waterhouse, the movie man, who insists on giving his lady patrons -the best, is improving the theater by renovating and decorating the -ladies’ parlor and lobby and ladies can—at least, feel that everything is -fresh and orderly. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -This Soots Me - -(From the Spokane Spokesman-Review) - -Young man, industrious, wants to meet lady with enough cash to have her -chimney swept. Dan Vall. - - * * * * * - -Whatcha Got? - -(From Richmond, Va., Times Despatch) - -Have four daughters; would like to put them in a business of their own. -What have you to offer? P.O. Box 1092, City. - - * * * * * - -And Everything - -(From The Duluth Herald) - -I got 10 aker of fine green timber dat I like for to sell on Miller Trunk -Highway near Duluth. It bane yust vat yu want for a gude place to build -cabin and have high old time, hunt yack rabbit & everything. I like for -to go back to Norway & will sell very sheep. Write Lars Boguson, 1302 E. -8th St. - - * * * * * - -Ain’t We Got Fun? - -(From The Aberdeen World) - -WANTED—Girl or lady to stay with me nights; room rent free. A-26, care of -World. - - * * * * * - -The Wild and Woolly West - -(From Casper, Wyo., Herald) - -TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—In justice to my husband to quiet a few rumors to -the effect that he had beaten me up, during our recent family trouble, is -absolutely untrue. Signed, Mrs. Bessie Peters. - - * * * * * - -_Jonah came from the whale with an awful cough._ - - * * * * * - -The Busted Air Hose - -An Italian was selling plaster of paris busts of great personages on the -streets in New York. His cry was “Garibaldi, the greata man ina Italy, -George Wash tha greata man ina United States. Tena centa each.” - -An American, thinking to have some fun with him, took one of his busts -of Garibaldi, dropped it on the pavement and said, “To hell with your -Garibaldi.” The wop, not to be outdone, took one of his statues of -Washington, threw it on the sidewalk, and said “To hell with your Georga -Wash.” - - * * * * * - -That Ought to Cool It - -Jerry recently took Gwendoline for a ride in his new car and returned -rather late. Approaching a steep hill he stopped the car, got out and -raised the hood. - -“What’s the matter now?” asked Gwen. - -“I must cool the engine before I try to make that hill,” replied Jerry. - -“Oh, goodness alive,” said Gwen, “It is getting so awfully late. Why -don’t you strip the gears?” - - * * * * * - -Tweet, Tweet - -“I never spoke a cross word to my wife but once.” - -“Quite remarkable, that.” - -“Not so very. See that scar?” - - * * * * * - -How We Do It - -A witty political candidate, after making a speech in an agricultural -district, announced that he would be glad to answer any question that -might be put to him. - -A voice from the audience: “You seem to know a lot about a farmer’s -difficulties. May I ask you a question about a momentous one?” - -“Certainly,” replied the candidate, nervously. - -“How can you tell a bad egg?” went on the merciless voice. - -The candidate waited until the laughter had died down, then replied, “If -I had anything to tell a bad egg I think I should break it gently.” - -He won the place. - - * * * * * - -April Fool! - - It was only an old beer bottle, - Floating across the foam, - Just an old beer bottle, - Far away from home. - Only an old beer bottle, - With these sad words written on, - “Whoever finds this beer bottle, - Will find that the beer’s all gone.” - - * * * * * - -Another Married Chestnut - -“I had a queer dream last night, my dear. I thought I saw another man -running off with you.” - -“What did you say to him?” - -“I asked him what he was running for.” - - * * * * * - -For Men Only - -When you play poker you take a chance; when you marry you have no chance. - - * * * * * - -Maids want nothing but husbands; after that they want everything. - - * * * * * - -Most of the women who cry at weddings have been married themselves. - - * * * * * - -Our Carpenter Hero - -He “hammered” on the door; was answered by a girl who wore a white -“sash,” and asked if he could get a “square” meal. He “saw” that the -place was “plane” but clean, and “planking” himself down to the table, -he “braced” his legs beneath the chair, and “bit” into a Parker “House” -roll. His “nails” were rather dirty, but he met the “stairs” of those -about him with a “level” glance. After “bolting” his food, he “shingled” -off a dollar bill, paid the girl, opining that it was a good place to -“board.” - - * * * * * - -_The tenants who formerly lived on the floor above said that our baby -balled them out._ - - * * * * * - -Hi Say, Chappie - -Maybelle (coquettishly)—You tickle me, Duke. - -The Duke—My word, what a strange request! - - * * * * * - -Action vs. Words - - Have you ever - After an evening - Of anticipation - Finally arrived - At the crucial moment - And with a - Depth breath - Taken the.... - Initial step - Aeons later - A small voice - Somewhere is - Heard to say - “Don’t” - While two arms - About one’s neck - Refute the argument. - - —Voo Doo. - - * * * * * - -Friday Special - -Restaurant patron—Have you any whale, waiter? - -No, sir. - -Have you any shark? - -No, sir. - -Then give me a T bone steak. God knows I asked for fish. - - * * * * * - -“Waiter! There’s a fly in my ice cream.” - -“Serves him right; let him freeze.” - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_Lou Z. Lizzie_=—I quite agree with you. A man who gives you his diamond -ring to look at and then wants it back is no gentleman. - - * * * * * - -=_Mary Ellen Slapapple_=—The fact that your sweetheart gave you two black -eyes is striking proof of his affection. - - * * * * * - -=_Howsh E. Shaykes_=—A change of pasture is good for the bull, you know, -old dear. - - * * * * * - -=_Hittem Formy_=—Don’t run your legs off after a woman; you’ll need them -to kick yourself. - - * * * * * - -True lovers never say good night until morning. - - * * * * * - -As a Rule - -Clerk (at Employment Bureau)—“Someone has sent for a yardman, sir.” - -Manager—“We haven’t any yardmen at present.” - -Clerk—“Then shall I send up three footmen, sir?” - - * * * * * - -The Barber Itch - -Three prospective brides were in conference, Madge, Mary and Martha. - -Madge—I am to marry a lawyer with fine practice. We are building a -beautiful home. - -Mary—My future husband is a banker and we will have a summer home, a maid -and a car. - -Martha—Well, girls, if you must know, I am to marry a barber. - -Consternation reigned. - -“What on earth are you going to marry a barber for?” gasped Madge and -Mary. - -Martha—Because any time a barber isn’t kissing you he is talking about it. - - * * * * * - -_A timid bachelor recently walked into a dance hall by mistake, and -thought he was in a ladies’ dressing room._ - - * * * * * - -Jack—You certainly disgraced me at the banquet last night when you got -drunk. - -Jill—What did I do. - -Jack—When the charlotte russe was served you tried to blow the foam off -it. - - * * * * * - -Pee Ess - -In conclusion, Gentle Readers, don’t forget that Captain Billy’s -encyclopedia of humor and poetry, the Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22, is awaiting you at your newsdealer or the publisher. - - - - -The Winter Annual - - -_CONTENTS_ - - DRIPPINGS FROM THE FAWCETT - GIRL IN BLUE VELVET BAND - FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR - FRANKIE AND JOHNNIE BLUES - SHOOTING OF DAN MCGREW - WEDDING OF THE PERSIAN CAT - ACE IN THE HOLE - BOOZE FIGHTER’S DREAM - DIARY OF A DIVORCEE - FABLE OF THE BULL - HIGHTY TIGHTY APHRODITE - GOLIGHTLY HIGHBALLS - HOW TO KISS DELICIOUSLY - HUNTING THE WILY POLE CAT - MOHAMMEDAN BULL - OUR OWN FAIRY QUEEN - TOOL HOUSE ON THE FARM - THE OLD SMOKEHOUSE - QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - GILA MONSTER ROUTE - PASTURE POT POURRI - HOOCH CURE BLUES - DYING HOBO - LASCA - SAM’S GIRL - TOLEDO SLIM - EVOLUTION - POPPIES - AFTER THE RAID - THE HARPY - THE SUICIDE - TARNISHED GOODS - SEPARATION - LITTLE RED GOD - THE LADIES - LIMBER KICKS - NAUGHTY BUT NICE - TO THE GIRL - RURAL MAIL BOX - TIRED HIRED MAN - LIFE’S A FUNNY PROPOSITION AFTER ALL - - - - -_Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22_ - - -256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz -Bang. Stories, toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri comprise this -greatest Whiz Bang book. - -_Only a Few Left_ - -If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, pin a dollar bill, or your -check, money order or stamps to the coupon below and receive this peppy -collection. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -30, February, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, FEB 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62422-0.txt or 62422-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/4/2/62422/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No. 30, February 1922, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -ul { - list-style-type: none; -} - -li { - margin-top: .5em; - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - clear: both; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.bold { - font-weight: bold; -} - -.box { - border: 2px solid black; - padding: 0.5em; -} - -.bt-bb { - border-top: double; - border-bottom: double; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.form { - width: 100%; - border-bottom: 1px dotted; -} - -.hanging { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent5 { - text-indent: 2em; -} - -.poetry .indent6 { - text-indent: 3em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.smcap { - font-variant: small-caps; - font-style: normal; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -.u { - border-bottom: 3px solid; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; - margin: auto; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; - margin: auto; -} - -.red { - border: double #dd3729; - page-break-before: always; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.all-red { - color: #dd3729; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 5%; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 30, -February, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 30, February, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: June 18, 2020 [EBook #62422] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, FEB 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 30, February, 1922</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-red"> - -<h2 class="u"><i>They’re Going Fast!</i></h2> - -<p>Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual -Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the -press. Orders are now being mailed. There will -be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your -news stand’s quota is sold out—</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">PIN A DOLLAR BILL</p> - -<p class="center">Or your check, money order or stamps<br /> -To the coupon on the back page.</p> - -<p>And receive our 256-page bound volume of -jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag -and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever -put in print.</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">REMEMBER, FOLK</p> - -<p>Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth -as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out -on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, -and not a copy could be bought <b>anywhere</b> in the -United States within ten days.</p> - -<p>So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!</p> - -<p>Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to -the Whiz Bang Farm, Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">We haven’t any left.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption"><i>America’s Magazine of<br /> -Wit, Humor and<br /> -Filosophy</i></p> - -<p class="caption">FEBRUARY, 1922 <span class="spacer">Vol. III. No. 30</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly<br /> -W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the -Act of March 3, 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption">Price 25 cents <span class="spacer">$2.50 per year</span><br /> -ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL</p> - -<p class="caption">Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part -permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt.</p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1922<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="box"> - -<p class="center">Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. -Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news -stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no -clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a -year in advance.</p> - -</div> - -<p class="center">Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and -dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Drippings From the Fawcett</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="blockquote smaller"> - -<p><i>Gentle readers, wet your lips, for whilst with dry tongues -thou art yearning, your obedient servant, Bilious Billy, is in -the land of liberty—personal and otherwise—basking in -Cuba’s sunny clime, in Havana, sucking soda through a -straw! Soda! Sure, soda with a dash in it. When we -grow tired of fast horses and saintly senoritas, it will be -back again to the big pines of northern Minnesota for the -fishing season at Breezy Point Lodge. You know, folk, in -the winter we Minnesotans can’t fish, as our Norwegian -friends would say.</i></p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Well, boys and girls, here I am on the -road again—just like a wandering Jew. -In making my present departure from -Robbinsdale, I didn’t know whether I was coming -to Montreal or going to Cuba.</p> - -<p>The high cost of coal in Robbinsdale made -me long for summer at Miami Beach, where -there is no charge for hot rolls in the sand and -a little chicken nearby. Then again I was reminded -of having seen Willie and Mollie playing -in the sand, indulging in youthful folly. -The sand was terribly hot on Willie’s back and -the sun was hot tamale.</p> - -<p>Woke up in Chicago with an ice-pack attached -to my fevered brow, and appreciating -that the United States is the land of personal<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -liberty I hied forth towards Miami to see if I -might not be able to obtain a “wee snifter.” -Miami is now the legal home of William Jennings -Bryan and I did not have much luck in -satisfying an unquenchable thirst. Anyway, if -I did, it wouldn’t be nice to tell about. Mr. -Bryan may have something to do with keeping -Miami and the State of Florida bone-dry—which -it isn’t—so more power to him. Florida -may be dry, but in the unmortal words of our -snuff-chewing hired man, I am pleased to report -that there are a lot of “damp rascals” -here.</p> - -<p>Understand the Floridians are seriously -considering Bryan for United States Senator. -Had the pleasure today of driving through the -backyard of the Commoner’s palatial home, but -all I could see was the rear door and his smokehouse. -Mr. Bryan was too busy addressing a -Baptist convention to even invite me to lunch. -Tomorrow he is slated for a Bible talk in the -city park and if I get up in time, and feel all -right, shall listen to his discourse. (Later, -didn’t get up in time.)</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">After leaving Chicago I stopped at -Atlanta for a few days’ sojourn. Here -we struck nice warm sunshine. The -Atlanta ladies are a genial lot, but their costuming -somewhat crashes with the constitutional -scheme of affairs as laid down by the -eighteenth amendment. Their hats are full of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> -cocktails—and sometimes also their heads, I -am told. In fact, a bird of paradise plume is -quite in vogue in Atlanta.</p> - -<p>The information is also vouchsafed that -some Atlanta girls are born foolish, while -others marry.</p> - -<p>Overheard a rather humorous remark of a -local celebrity, Clayt Robson by name, one evening -in the lobby of the Kimball house. Robson -is a well-known Georgian lobbyist and political -boss, who is considered a power in the present -state administration. Clayt jokingly spluttered -to a group of friends that “I was twenty-one -years old and grown-up before I knew that -‘damned Yankee’ was two words.”</p> - -<p>My visit to Atlanta brought to memory a -conversation I had with Cole S. Blease, former -governor of South Carolina, about four years -ago. The governor very kindly invited me to -his suite in the Selwyn hotel at Charlotte, N. -C., to partake of his private twenty-year-old -stock. While “killing” the quart of medicine, -the subject of Atlanta came to the front. Here -is the Bleasian description of the South’s -largest city, as nearly as I can remember:</p> - -<div class="blockquote bold"> - -<p>“<i>Atlanta is a hell-hole of perdition. It -is no place for a virtuous woman or an -honest man.</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p>I cannot quite agree with Mr. Blease, for -Atlanta treated me royally. The girlies here -I found to be of true Southern stock—very shy -and rather demure. I once heard the late<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> -“Pitchfork” Ben Tillman remark that the only -family tree he could boast was that the women -were virtuous and the men reasonably brave. -From my cursory observations this description -fairly fits Atlanta.</p> - -<p>From Atlanta our next stop was Jacksonville. -Went for a joyride here, which ended in -a thrilling though harmless smashup. Upon -picking myself from out the wreckage, I -thanked the kindly doctor for a safe delivery. -Which calls to mind these lines by Lincoln, or -some other noted personage:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Oh why should the spirit of mortal be proud?</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>As he rides in his swift-flying car like a cloud,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>A break in the axle, a bust in the tire,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>He passeth from life to the heavenly choir.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">As a deer hunter, I’m a good farmer. -Spent ten days tramping the windfalls in -the neighborhood of Breezy Point Lodge -without even seeing a deer. Saw plenty of polecats, -bobcats and house cats, and nearly captured -a “porky.” I learned lots about the habits -and habitations of the northern pine animals -and finally managed to knock down a “spike -buck” (whatever that means) on the last day -of the hunting season. Must admit the buck -almost shook hands with me before I was able -to knock him over. However, I had a very -good guide, Arthur Foote by name, but better -known as “Panther Pete.” Pete has earned a -regular living for twenty-five years as a trapper<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> -and deer hunter, and I am sure that the -small buck never would have fallen for me had -he not enticed the animal to leave his forest -retreat.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">While touring the San Francisco underworld -as the guest of the police vice -squad on my recent tour of the Pacific -coast, we encountered what the police considered -a suspicious party.</p> - -<p>He was one of those dapper young men with -a red necktie that frequent this section of -Famous Frisco.</p> - -<p>“What’s your occupation?” asked one of the -policemen of the young man.</p> - -<p>“I’m a business man,” was the answer as the -young man started to trip blithely away.</p> - -<p>“Wait a minute,” said the cop. “I never saw -a business man walk like that.”</p> - -<p>“Oh,” replied the dapper youth, “but you -don’t know what kind of business I’m in!”</p> - -<p>Thirty days for him.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">During my recent rampage about the -American continent it was my pleasure -to appreciate the service of Tiajuana, -and I could not resist the temptation to contrast -this Mexican village with the Canadian -metropolis, Montreal. In Montreal I enjoyed -a bottle of Pol Roger champagne without being -a law breaker, even though it cost me ten -cents for a two by four sandwich. From Montreal<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> -I hustled to the deer hunting regions of -northern Minnesota and found no champagne -or other imported wines, but plenty of “mountain -dew.” With all due respect to Mr. Andrew -J. Volstead, our Minnesota congressman, there -is today in this grand and glorious land of the -free and home of the brave more rotten booze -than it was ever my lot to drink in the pre-prohibition -days.</p> - -<p>But to get back to my deer hunting expedition, -I must admit that the deer were scarce -but—</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>But there were polecats and goosehawks,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And a four-legged cow;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Wild pigs and wild boars,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And a thing like a sow.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>There were thousands of screech owls,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Turkey buzzards and quail,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And a little black jack-ass</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>With a damnable tail,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>With their fol de dol dol</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And fol de dol day.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">While flivvering out near Golden Valley, -Minnesota, I dropped in at the farm of -my old friend, John Foss, to pass the -time of day. I noticed a drove of hogs on his -timber lot acting peculiar. They would run -up to a tree and squeal like mad, then leave -that tree and go to another and do the same -thing, continuing in their mad scamper around -the timber lot.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<p>“What makes them act that way?” I asked -John.</p> - -<p>“Well,” replied old man Foss, “last winter -I had a throat infection and lost the power of -speech for a month or more and couldn’t call -them to their feed, so I taught them to come by -rapping on a post or a tree, and now the darn -woodpeckers are setting them crazy.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">At Breezy Point Lodge I have an old gray -mare and I love to sing this melody of -my boyhood days:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>The old gray mare</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>She sits on the single tree,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Sits on the whipple tree,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Sits on the single tree.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And, believe me, her greatest indoor and -outdoor sport is sitting on the single tree.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Up in the deer hunting grounds of northern -Minnesota the jack-pine savages are -still singing that old familiar ditty about -the much maligned, bird—the woodpecker. -These heart throbbing words peal gently -through the evening air:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>“I stuck my finger in a woodpecker’s hole,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>And the woodpecker said: ‘Gosh darn your soul,’</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>‘Take it out; take it out; take it out; take it out.’”</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The other day I was riding on a street -car in Minneapolis. Sitting opposite me -was a very pretty young lady who had a -poodle dog in her lap. Bluenose lady sitting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> -next to the girl addressed her thusly: “My, -what a nasty little dog. Don’t you think, my -young lady, it would look much nicer if you -had a little baby in your lap?”</p> - -<p>“No,” the pretty one replied in calm even -tones, “it wouldn’t. You see I’m not married.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Chief Bloberger surveyed a party of -hoboes coming down the Great Northern -tracks.</p> - -<p>“Here they come, hog fat and crummy, short -pipes and red noses. Won’t work, ain’t allowed -to shoot ’em, and if you don’t feed ’em they’ll -burn your barn daown.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Extra! Extra!</h3> - -<p class="smaller">Ladies and gentlemen: Don’t fail to be in Robbinsdale -next Tuesday at four o’clock A. M. to witness the daring -feat of Peter, our hired man. This brave snoose-grinding -son of toil will endeavor to dive off the top of -the highest building in Robbinsdale into a six-foot tank -of solid concrete, playing the ukelele, eating raw liver and -keeping perfect time. The spectacular dive by Pete will -be for a worthy cause. All proceeds from the entertainment -will be donated to the starving plumbers of Chicago. -Admission free.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Took my wife into a store to assist her in -buying a new hat. Like all women, she -tried on nearly every hat in the store. -In desperation the salesman appealed to me -with this remark: “How would you like me to -try a sailor for your wife?” Having been in the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -army for many years, I felt like suggesting a -soldier, for this insulting salesman. Needless -to say, the sale was not made.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">On my recent visit to New York I had -the pleasure of the company of Mr. H. A. -D’Arcy, author of “The Face Upon the -Floor,” which we misnamed in past issues “The -Face Upon the Barroom Floor.” This masterpiece -undoubtedly stands first among popular -present day poems, judging from the many -requests we received from Whiz Bang readers -for its republication. To Ye Editor Mr. D’Arcy -told the history of how “The Face Upon the -Floor” was inspired:</p> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>“Away back in the early 80’s Union Square in New -York was called ‘The Rialto’ agreeable to the fact that -it was the theatrical center of America. On the corner -of Fourth avenue and Fourteenth street, a very excellent -saloon was run by Joe Schmidt and it was kept fairly -full from noon to midnight with respectable members of -the sock and buskin, and amusement promoters. One -Saturday evening in August, 1887, a table in front of the -bar was occupied by a bunch of managers. We were -combining business with pleasure, booking time and -enjoying the very excellent beer and spirits available -in those happy days. It was probably about 11 o’clock -when a mendicant shambled in and approached our table. -With a sad, husky voice, he said, ‘Gentlemen, I want a -drink.’ All eyes were turned to the derelict and someone -at the table offered one of the untasted glasses of whisky -which was quickly swallowed. Joe behind the bar yelled, -‘Get out.’</p> - -<p>“The waiter in front quickly seized the beggar and -threw him out of the swinging door; to make the situation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> -more dramatic, a rough haired terrier dog named -‘Toby’ and pet of the saloon jumped at the poor devil -and fastened on his pants. ‘Toby’ always thought it his -duty to chase poor people, and had an innate antipathy -to jumpers or pants not duly pressed.</p> - -<p>“Well, several of the party got up from the table -and went out to see what had happened to the poor -wretch. He was lying on the sidewalk with his face -halfway in the gutter. We gathered him up, brushed him -off a little, wiped his face and someone went into the -saloon and brought out another drink of whisky. Several -coins were carefully dropped into the inside pocket -of his coat. This was done surreptitiously so that he -would not know the money was there until the tomorrow. -As we left him on a door step next door I asked what -his trade was and he managed to tell me he was an -artist. I held that this man was not a professional -beggar, a derelict true, but probably had once been a -talented man. The argument was taken up by several -other gentlemen in the room and waxed warm until I -got angry and with a curt “good night” bolted out of the -saloon. On my way home, I determined to write up the -story in such a way as would make my argument good -and satisfy Joe Schmidt that I was not wholly chicken-hearted. -I also was pretty sure of winning the fair -hostess to my way of thinking. As I walked along I -composed in my mind the first two lines:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>“’Twas a balmy summer evening and a goodly crowd was there,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>That well-nigh filled Joe’s bar-room on the corner of the Square.”</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>“The measure was a happy iambic tetrameter and -fitted the story, and before going to bed, I jotted down -the first two lines which I have always found the hardest -to compose, next day I finished the story. When Joe -read it, I saw tears in his eyes. It was published in the -New York Dispatch. Joe bought a hundred copies of the -paper and sent 25 to the Buffalo Bill Co. who were playing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> -in London and among whom both he and I had -many friends. Cody and Major Burke circulated the -copies among their theatrical friends and before many -months three vaudevillians were reciting the poem at the -big music halls, then Sam Bernard set America crazy -with it and yet after over thirty years, it is still a popular -‘act’ and wins excellent booking.</p> - -<p>“I have been often told that my story set the pace -for prohibition. I sincerely hope not. If I thought that -I had helped that unfortunate law, I would walk down -to the dock and kick myself into the river. ‘The Face -Upon the Floor’ is not a temperance story, but an admonition -to the world, not to despise the unfortunate -derelict.”</p> - -</div> - -<p>In this issue we are pleased to publish -another poem by Mr. D’Arcy and have his -promise of more to follow. And let me add, I -found Mr. D’Arcy a regular fellow, well met, -an excellent conversationalist and a fine -reminder of the good old days.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Gus, our ex-hired man, escorted a petite -young lady to her apartment.</p> - -<p>“Just as I was putting my arm around -her,” Gus reports, “a man walked in.”</p> - -<p>“My gawsch, my husband!” exclaimed the -girl.</p> - -<p>“Oh, busy honey?” the intruder remarked, -as he walked out.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Our new hired man, Ikey, from the cities, -is so absentminded that when he went in -the stable to saddle a horse, he was surprised -to find, after a half hour’s work, that he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -had the saddle on himself and he spent another -half hour in vain trying to climb on his own -back.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Wa-hoo-wa Bird</h3> - -<p class="smaller">Ladies and Gentlemen, I take great pleasure in presenting -to you the Wa-hoo-wa Bird. The only bird of -its kind in captivity today. This strange bird comes from -the far off shores of the Isle of Borneo where it rears its -young among the crannies and crags of the mountainous -coastline. Now the particular strange thing about this -bird is that it only mates once every one hundred years, -and after having mated, it crawls, half drags, half flies, -until it gets itself to the topmost pinnacle of the long, -tall, lofty rubber tree. Casting its eyes to the heavens it -cries in tones of ecstacy “Wa-hoo-wa,” which, translated -in the language of the natives, means “My Gawsch, -Mamma, ain’t love grand!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Deciding the Race</h3> - -<p>Pat and Mike were to run a race to a tree -by different routes.</p> - -<p>Pat—“If oi get there first oi’ll make a mark -on the tree with this chalk, Mike, and if you -get there first you rub it off.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Old Boy’s Chatter</h3> - -<p>The fellow who marries a bow-legged girl -these days has no excuse that he can’t see what -he’s getting.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>He doesn’t dress so neat on work days, but -he wears his new hat on his week end.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>This Bends in the Middle</h3> - -<p>Santa Claus played a dirty trick on the -bow-legged girls, didn’t he?</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>See what he put in their stockings!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Another Version of It</h3> - -<p>No matter how pretty a bow-legged girl may -be; she is always in bad shape.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Did you ever go to the postoffice to attend -the graduation exercises of a correspondence -school class?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Charity Bazaar</h3> - -<p>“How much am I offered for this pie?” sang -out the auctioneer.</p> - -<p>“Six bits,” one youth bid.</p> - -<p>“Who will make it eighty? Just imagine, -you get the girl and all!”</p> - -<p>“Say, mister,” ejaculated the youth, “what -kind of pie is it you’re selling?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Shed Tears, Brothers</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yep, I’ve quit th’ holdup game,</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll hang ’round joints no more.</div> -<div class="verse indent5">So with a sigh</div> -<div class="verse indent5">And a faint little cry</div> -<div class="verse">The garter stretched out on the floor!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Monthly Maxim</h3> - -<p>A bell’s a bell even though it is on a cow.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Monthly Toast</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">For fill up your glasses,</div> -<div class="verse">And fill ’em up full,</div> -<div class="verse">And drink to the health</div> -<div class="verse">Of the Pedigreed Bull.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Indoor Sports</h3> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p class="center">(From “The Blue Lagoon,” a novel.)</p> - -<p>Her ears were small and like little white shells. He -would take one between finger and thumb and play with -it as if it were a toy, pulling at the lobe of it or trying -to flatten out the curved part. Her breasts, her shoulders, -her knees, her little feet, every bit of her, he would examine -and play with and kiss. She would lie and let him, -seeming absorbed in some far-away thought, of which he -was the object; then all at once her arms would go round -him. All this used to go on in the broad light of day, -under the shadow of the artu leaves, with no one to -watch except the bright-eyed birds in the leaves above.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Not In Robbinsdale</h3> - -<p>Hello, is this the chief of the Fire Department?</p> - -<p>Yes, this is the chief.</p> - -<p>Well, my house is on fire.</p> - -<p>How long has it been burnin’?</p> - -<p>Half hour.</p> - -<p>Did you try puttin’ water on it?</p> - -<p>Yes, but it won’t go out.</p> - -<p>Then ’taint no use in us comin’ over, because -that’s all we could do. G’Bye!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Women are the greatest edition in the world and no -man should be without a copy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Parlor Story</h3> - -<p>A southern restaurant serves eggs with all -meat orders. A patron ordered pork chops.</p> - -<p>“Boss, how do yo’ all want yo’ eggs,” inquired -the waiter.</p> - -<p>“Oh, you can eliminate the eggs.”</p> - -<p>The waiter repeated the order to the colored -chef and added “liminate dem eggs.”</p> - -<p>The chef scratched his head. “Sambo, yo -tell dat customer ah ain’t got no time this -mawning to liminate dem eggs and that he all -will have to have dem cooked some oder way.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Speaking About Atrocities</h3> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>The occupants of the parlor car of the limited were -startled by the abrupt entrance of two masked bandits. -“T’row up yer hands,” commanded the bigger of the two. -“We’re gonna rob all the gents and kiss all the gals.”</p> - -<p>“No, pardner,” responded the smaller one gallantly, -“We’ll rob all the gents but we’ll leave the ladies alone.”</p> - -<p>“Mind your own business, young fellow,” snapped a -female passenger of uncertain age, “The big man’s robbing -this train.”</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pat’s Practical Piety</h3> - -<p>The ice in the river was thin as Pat started -to “feel” his way across. Every time Pat put -down his right foot he muttered reverently -“Praise the Lord,” and as the left foot hit the -thin ice, “The devil ain’t such a bad man.”</p> - -<p>At the other side of the river, Pat, with a -sigh of relief, turned back and said “Tuhel with -both of yez.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Useless Effort</h3> - -<p>Paddy Ryan in Ireland inherited a pile of -money and decided to tour France. He hired -a guide who steered him up a mountain. After -a full day’s climb they reached the summit.</p> - -<p>“See ze beautiful valley,” said the guide to -Paddy, pointing below.</p> - -<p>“Sure,” stormed the Irishman, “if it’s so dom -beautiful in the valley what the divil for did -you bring me ’way up here?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>And He Got It</h3> - -<p>“You are working too hard,” said a policeman -to a man who was drilling a hole in a safe -at 2:00 o’clock in the morning.</p> - -<p>“What do you mean?” asked the burglar in -a disconcerted tone.</p> - -<p>“I mean you need arrest,” answered the -policeman.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>It Rained Keys, Bo!</h3> - -<p>I met a wonderful girl yesterday afternoon, -and she invited me up to her apartment. That -night she told me to stand in front of the door -and whistle three times and she would throw -down the key.</p> - -<p>Boys, I never saw so many keys in all my -life.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>I could print a lot of real funny stories, but -what’s the use, you would only laugh at them.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is the first thing -that turns green in the spring?—<b><i>Uppan Attim</i></b>.</p> - -<p>Christmas jewelry.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captun</i></b>: My kid brother’s a great -chicken chaser. He came home late last night -all dizzy; d’you think he was drinkin’ or what’s -the matter?—<b><i>Ida Sinkey</i></b>.</p> - -<p>‘Swimmin’ in the head.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Whiz Bang Bill</i></b>—Is there much food -values in dates?—<b><i>Ona Dyett</i></b>.</p> - -<p>It all depends on who you make them with.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—What is a Sly Oodle?—<b><i>Nat. -U. List</i></b>.</p> - -<p>’Tis a small weasel that sleeps in the crotch -of a tree, and swallows its nose to keep it from -freezing.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—A fellow asked me a -funny question the other day. Why is a crow? -Seems sort of silly. Do you know the answer?—<b><i>M. T. Kann</i></b>.</p> - -<p>That’s easy. Caws.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—What is a Nabisco?—<b><i>Ray -Vaughan</i></b>.</p> - -<p>It consists of two pieces of tissue paper with -a little honey between.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—Would it hurt me to -sleep between two windows?—<b><i>I. Foozle</i></b>.</p> - -<p>You would have a “pane” on the chest and -back, and a “catch” on your side.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is a good name for -a new college sorority?—<b><i>Al E. Wrat</i></b>.</p> - -<p>I. Phelta Thi.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is a sculptor?—<b><i>Cant -E. Lope</i></b>.</p> - -<p>A man that makes faces and busts.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is dust?—<b><i>Hose -Ette</i></b>.</p> - -<p>Mud with the juice squeezed out.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—Is hair tonic a good -drink?—<b><i>J. Fewbrains</i></b>.</p> - -<p>Would advise you not to drink hair tonic -as it will raise a mustache on your appendix -and if you should laugh you would tickle yourself -to death.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Farmer Bill</i></b>—Please inform me where -milk comes from.—<b><i>A City Girl</i></b>.</p> - -<p>From cow faucets.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—If my father was a duke -and my mother was a duchess, what would that -make me?—<b><i>Watts D. Yoos</i></b>.</p> - -<p>Why, I guess you would be Duke’s Mixture.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—Tell me something interesting -about auction bridge.—<b><i>Adeline Moore</i></b>.</p> - -<p>All we know about is Brooklyn Bridge, and -that is just one long suspense.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capn.</i></b>—What did my beau mean when -he told me he would meet me in the future?—<b><i>Sarah -Desert</i></b>.</p> - -<p>Probably he meant in the pasture.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is a drydock?—<b><i>Torchy</i></b>.</p> - -<p>A physician who won’t give us prescriptions.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Farm That Bull Built</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Oh! over the hill to Robbinsdale,</div> -<div class="verse">For a slap on the back and a hearty hail.</div> -<div class="verse">Where the cows do tricks in the new mown hay,</div> -<div class="verse">And the Bull is thrown in a very quaint way.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Where Gus is tired from morn till night,</div> -<div class="verse">And the old silo is always tight.</div> -<div class="verse">Where the chickens sing and the roosters crow,</div> -<div class="verse">And the corn does a hoe-down row on row.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So up the road to the Whiz Bang farm</div> -<div class="verse">Where the onions grow but do no harm.</div> -<div class="verse">It’s a merry crowd that slings the hoe</div> -<div class="verse">On Billy’s farm. Come gang let’s go.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>They tell me people are so tough in South St. Paul they -play Tiddly-Winks with the sewer covers. Zatright?</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Fable of a Poodle</h3> - -<p>Once there was a guy who wished that he -was a rich woman’s lap-dog, when suddenly a -Great Genii appeared before him and granted -his wish, telling him that any time he wished -to be changed back to a man, he should slip out -of the rich lady’s house and come to the home -of the Genii, in a distant part of the city.</p> - -<p>Being only a dog, he soon grew tired of his -pampered life, and since he was really a dog, -the kisses and petting of his pretty mistress -failed to produce the “kick” that he had anticipated.</p> - -<p>So, he slipped out of the house, and found -himself on a broad and spacious avenue, lined -with trees, telegraph poles and iron fence posts.</p> - -<p>Now, that was many moons ago, but up to -the present writing, the little doggie has not -reached the Genii’s house to be changed back to -a man.</p> - -<p>MORAL: It’s a poor wish that won’t work -two ways.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>French Proverbs</h3> - -<p class="center sans">(Selected by Rev. G. L. Morrill.)</p> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p><i>Women give themselves to God when the Devil wants -nothing more to do with them.</i></p> - -<p><i>Since Cupid is represented with a torch in his hand, -why did they place virtue on a barrel of gunpowder?</i></p> - -<p><i>A woman forgives everything but the fact that you do -not covet her.</i></p> - -<p><i>Fools never understand people of wit.</i></p> - -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Outside the Show</h3> - -<p>“Hello, Bill, how did you enjoy the show -last night?”</p> - -<p>“Fine, Joe. Wasn’t that some pippin in the -bathing suit?”</p> - -<p>“Yep, Bill!”</p> - -<p>“Well, I saw her without the suit on today.”</p> - -<p>!!!!!——————(street clothes?)</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Familiarity Breeds Contempt</h3> - -<p>John Philip Sousa traveled six thousand -miles to hear the celebrated chimes of an English -church. As he was drawing near the -place the wonderful chimes rang out, and -enraptured, Sousa exclaimed to the driver of -the vehicle, “You folk are indeed fortunate to -live within sound of those heavenly chimes.”</p> - -<p>“I can’t hear a word you say,” shouted the -driver irritably, “them d—— bells deafen me.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>As You Were</h3> - -<p>Sexton—“Dogs are not allowed here, sir.”</p> - -<p>Visitor—“That’s not my dog.”</p> - -<p>Sexton—“Not your dog? Why, he’s following -you.”</p> - -<p>Visitor—“Well, so are you.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Pull Lots of These</h3> - -<p>A cross-eyed man at a dance hall said “May -I have the next dance, please?” Two girls -answered as with one voice, “With pleasure.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That Reminds Me</h3> - -<p>Algernon—Dearest, I could sit here forever -gazing into your charming eyes and listening -to the wash of the ocean.</p> - -<p>The Girl—That reminds me, Honey. I have -a laundry bill and I’m dead broke.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>There’s one thing I can’t eat for breakfast -and that is supper.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>While a darky was being led to the gallows -a crowd of people ran past him.</p> - -<p>“What yo all running fo?” yelled Sambo -after them, “Dey ain’t nothin’ gwine to happen -till ah gets dere.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>He is so stingy he goes to the postoffice to -fill his fountain pen.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>April Fool</h3> - -<p>Johnny (running into the room of his mother -on April 1st)—“Mama, there’s a strange man -kissing our maid.”</p> - -<p>Mother—“What, a strange man?”</p> - -<p>Johnny—“April fool, it’s only papa.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Curbstone Comedy</h3> - -<p>He stopped the balky car.</p> - -<p>“Honey, I must get out and spank the engine -over the ears.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, engine-ears!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Pass</h3> - -<p>The nurse at the front regarded the -wounded soldier with a puzzled look.</p> - -<p>“Your face is familiar to me, but I can’t -place you,” she said.</p> - -<p>“Let bygones be bygones, baby,” replied the -soldier, “I used to be a policeman.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Riddle-de-doot!</h3> - -<p>Where did you get that rose?</p> - -<p>That isn’t a rose, that’s a geranium.</p> - -<p>No, it isn’t. It’s a rose.</p> - -<p>I said it’s a geranium.</p> - -<p>How do you spell it?</p> - -<p>It’s a rose all right.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>My girl has Pullman teeth.</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>One upper and one lower.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Colorado Springs is sure some town. Had -to go up to the city hall to get a permit from -the mayor to play a game of dominoes.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>This wash board is a hundred years old.</p> - -<p>Yes, it surely is wrinkled.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Punctuation</h3> - -<p>“Men are naturally grammatical.”</p> - -<p>“Yes?”</p> - -<p>“When they see an abbreviated skirt they -always look after it for a period.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Chalk Up One Error</h3> - -<p>Chicago.—Mrs. R. Kelly sat watching a -thrilling movie. Without taking her eyes off -the film, she landed an uppercut on the jaw -of the man sitting next to her. “I must have -made a mistake,” Jake Cohen told the judge. -“I didn’t know I put my hand on her knee!”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Remember This One?</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The first scene is that of a gambler,</div> -<div class="verse">Who has lost all his money at play;</div> -<div class="verse">Takes his dead mother’s ring from her finger</div> -<div class="verse">Which she wore on her wedding day,</div> -<div class="verse">His last earthly treasure he stakes it</div> -<div class="verse">Bows his head the shame he may hide.</div> -<div class="verse">When they raised up his head,</div> -<div class="verse">They found he was dead</div> -<div class="verse">’Tis a picture from life’s other side.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Say, Mr. Jones, what do you want to get -married for?”</p> - -<p>“Because I don’t want my name to die out.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“You don’t love me any more,”</div> -<div class="verse">She sobbed and bowed her head.</div> -<div class="verse">“What tuhel’s the difference,”</div> -<div class="verse">The villainous rascal said.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A cat, mistaking a ball of wool for a meat -ball, swallowed it, and sure enough when she -had kittens they had on sweaters.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Child’s is a great place to eat. Went in there yesterday -and amongst the dirty dishes on the table I found -thirty cents.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Movie Hot Stuff</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">These be dull days in the movie and even -the stage world. The dark clouds of the -Arbuckle case still hang over the two -“arts,” thanks to the obdurate lady juror who -caused a disagreement in the San Francisco -trial. The pleasantly informal old days, when -Wallie Reid could run up to ’Frisco and pelt -eggs upon pedestrians from the fourteenth -floor of the St. Francis Hotel, are long past. -One simply <b><i>has</i></b> to be circumspect these days.</p> - -<p>After Whiz Bang’s comments upon the way -the New York stage was getting away with -salaciousness came a police investigation of -“The Demi-Virgin,” the gentle whimsy with the -strip poker game. The farce was severely condemned -by the police commissioner—but it is -still running and to crowded houses. The risque -plays have had one or two additions since we -wrote last.</p> - -<p>For instance, there’s David Belasco’s adaptation -of the French farce, “Kiki,” with a little -gutter gamin of the French music hall as its -heroine. Mr. Belasco has substituted the word -marriage for liaison throughout but the intent -is there—and the lines, oh, boy! Once Kiki remarks<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span> -“The men are like cats—they follows us -as though our veins were full of catnip!” Then -there is a whole act in which Kiki—posing as a -rigid somnambulist—is carried and tossed -about by the various members of the cast, all -the time dressed only in a simple pair of open -work pajamas.</p> - -<p>We aren’t intimating that “Kiki” isn’t entertaining. -It is. But, the latitude they get away -with! Meanwhile the censors go on cutting -out bathing girls from our films and making -sure there is no indication ever shown that -babies are born.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Charlie Ray, spats, cane, trick overcoat -with its fur collar, et al., has been -making his first visit to New York and -not creating a ripple of interest. Of course, -friend wife was along. We saw Ray strolling -up Fifth Avenue the other day—and nobody -knew the ornate pedestrian as the simple country -boy of the films. They tell me that Ray -takes himself very seriously and left the cynical -New York reporters dizzy with his confessions -about his “mission in life.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Jack Pickford continues to loiter about -New York. There are all sorts of rumors -linking Jack up with pretty Marilyn Miller -o’ the Follies. Marilyn lost her husband, Frank -Carter, in an auto accident some time ago and -is as pleasant a little widow as the White<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> -Lights possess. Maybe Marilyn has an eye towards -the screen. By the way, those reports of -an impending family event in the Fairbanks -family still persists. What could be nicer?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Poor Eric von Stroheim! We sympathize -with him despite his Junker -physiognomy. He is telling sad tales -of his treatment at the hands of Universal. -After finishing “Foolish Wives,” they took the -negative away from him, hired somebody or -other to cut it—and Eric came on to New York -to find out where he stood.</p> - -<p>At last reports he is still trying to find out. -Overheard him in a hotel recently telling his -troubles. Now and then a tear splashed in the -soup. You see, they have taken his brain child—his -masterpiece—away and are letting some -cruel inartistic outsider cut it any old way. It -seems that Carl Laemmle, prexy of Universal, -became irate over the way “Foolish Wives” cost -money and never seemed to finish. Eric says -they put all sorts of obstructions in his way. -They locked cutting room doors, held up his pet -plans, and all that, according to Eric. Finally—whisper, -for it may only be a pipe dream—Eric -organized and armed his army of extras -after the fashion of Mr. William Hohenzollern -and presented an ultimatum. He got what he -wanted. Pause to consider the news story that -nearly came out of Universal. Suppose Eric -had cut the communication wires, tried military<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> -gas on the officials and made the studio into an -armed camp. It sounds fishy, of course, but -have you ever met the tense Mr. Von Stroheim?</p> - -<p>At that we feel awfully sorry for him. He -<b><i>has</i></b> unusual directorial ability and he is—or -was—the one able person at Universal. And -now, after making “Foolish Wives,” which, if -it doesn’t get barred by the censors, ought to be -a whirlwind, he seems to be getting the gate.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Aren’t those morality clauses the high -minded movie producers are inserting -into their actor contracts the bunk? -Imagine the nerve. Will Rogers gave the best -summary when he declared, “Say, if any one -hands me a contract with one of them clauses, -I’ll say, you sign it first.” He is in New York -doing a turn on the Ziegfeld roof. The best -line of his act is: “I’m the only guy who ever -went to California and came back with the -same wife.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">One of the funniest kick backs from the -Arbuckle case occurred at Vitagraph, -where they had Maclyn Arbuckle (no -relation to Fatty), under contract to be co-starred -in “The Prodigal Judge,” which he had -played for years on the stage. Just as the -picture was completed, a little San Francisco -scandal broke. Vitagraph decided that it -couldn’t afford to feature Mr. Maclyn <b><i>Arbuckle</i></b> -at this time. This despite the fact that Mr.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> -Maclyn was a well known star before Fatty was -ever heard of. But luckily he had a sense of -humor. So he said, “Oh, well (maybe it wasn’t -exactly that), you can’t buck such reasoning,” -and let his name go into tiny type.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Very Well</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I said she’d made with me a hit—</div> -<div class="verse indent6">Very well.</div> -<div class="verse">Perhaps I was a trifle lit—</div> -<div class="verse indent6">Very well.</div> -<div class="verse">I told her that she was divine,</div> -<div class="verse">She let me hold her hand in mine,</div> -<div class="verse">In short—I handed out my line</div> -<div class="verse indent6">Very well.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I whispered softly in her ear,</div> -<div class="verse indent6">Very well.</div> -<div class="verse">’Twas, how appropriately! dear—</div> -<div class="verse indent6">Very well.</div> -<div class="verse">I drew her snugly to my breast,</div> -<div class="verse">While she, not daring to protest</div> -<div class="verse">Cleaned out the pockets of my vest.</div> -<div class="verse indent6">Very well.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Tough Steak</h3> - -<p>Cannibal No. 1—What makes the chief such -a bunk spreader?</p> - -<p>Cannibal No. 2—He just ate the editor of -Whiz Bang.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Nah, Nah!</h3> - -<p>“Is my wife forward?” asked the passenger -on the Limited.</p> - -<p>“She wasn’t to me sir,” answered the conductor -politely.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Editorials</i></h2> - -<p class="by">“<i>The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet.</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Hats off to a real man of the cloth. The -Rev. D. H. Jones has resigned the pulpit -of Huntington Park, California, Baptist -Church, because of the fanatical attempts of -his flock to enforce Sunday closing.</p> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>“I prefer to dwell with the worldling and be true to -my inner self than to live with the saint and betray it,” -Reverend Jones says.</p> - -<p>“There is a way to make the church the super-attraction; -but it will never be done by coercing the -consciences of men. The Cross of Christ is proving -to be the greatest magnet in the world, but use it as a -club, and it will become a colossal failure.”</p> - -<p>“Killed professionally, yes. But, frankly, I would -rather be a man than a minister. Character is greater -than profession.”</p> - -<p>“I would just as soon believe that the perfume of the -rose comes from the polecat as to believe that the spirit -of the blue laws comes from God.”</p> - -<p>“Christ whipped men out of the church, but never -into it. ‘Professional reformers’ and ‘Christian lobbyists’ -at Washington may mean well, but most of them are -misguided swivel-chair heroes of the Cross.”</p> - -<p>“‘Close every door except the church’s,’ cries the -reformer, forgetting that open hearts are greater inducements -than closed doors.”</p> - -<p>“The doctrine behind the blue laws is this: ‘I am in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -the right and you are in the wrong. When you are -stronger than I, you ought to tolerate; for it is your duty -to tolerate truth. But when I am the stronger, I shall -persecute you; for it is my duty to persecute error.’”</p> - -<p>“All the proposed Sunday legislation is simply a -human attempt to whitewash what God designed to wash -white. To condemn movies because some things may -be objectionable is like refusing to eat fish because it -contains bones.”</p> - -<p>“When human passion is subdued, when the turbulent -tide ebbs, we see that the big thing that lies at the -bottom of the opposition of theatre opening on Sunday, -is simply bigotry.”</p> - -<p>“It is a wonder to me how many bad things good -people see in the movies; fortunately, if you are so -disposed, you need never be disappointed. The product -of a legal religion has ever been and ever will be either -hypocrisy or persecution.”</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">A little white coffin rested on a small -table, covered with flowers white as the -waxen face and fair hair of the baby -child whose short life of thirteen months’ suffering -was ended.</p> - -<p>A small company of kind neighbors was -present. The clergyman repeated the Saviour’s -words, “Suffer the children to come unto me -and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom -of heaven,” and told how the little life had not -paid in dollars and cents, but that judged by an -immortal existence begun here, and to last forever, -Death was gain. After the father, sisters -and brothers said “Good-bye,” the mother took -the last farewell kiss of her baby and baptized -it anew with her hot falling tears. So small<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> -was the casket that the undertaker lifted it in -his arms, just as the mother had the sick child, -and carried it to the carriage and placed it on -the seat.</p> - -<p>We entered the beautiful green cemetery, -and lowered the little flower-decked coffin in -the grave to rest until God’s “Good morning” -in the graveless, griefless home of heaven. As -I looked back, the mound seemed so small that -a child could step over it in his play, but I -knew it was higher than a mountain top to the -mother because in it was buried all her love -and hope.</p> - -<p>So we left the little casket and the little -body in the little grave, feeling that this bud -of promise would be transplanted to the -Eternal Garden where the full flower would -blossom and bloom without decay.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The Detroit Free-Press calls it the “Snoopers’ -Brigade,” and we are inclined to -think that is a well-fitting title for the -aggregation of people who are urging the formation -of a society that would compel all men -to be spies upon neighbors and reporters upon -their actions.</p> - -<p>Sometime ago a federal prohibition commissioner -announced plans for such an association, -but he immediately discovered that the people -of the United States are not ready to become -investigators of their neighbors’ conduct, in any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> -particular, and the project was squelched by -higher authority.</p> - -<p>The courts of the country are, very generally, -excluding testimony obtained by men who -lead others into the commission of crime, and -properly; they regard such actions as a conspiracy -to break the law, which makes the -tempter a partner in the crime.</p> - -<p>In a Mississippi case, where it appeared that -a peace officer induced a man to purchase -liquor for him and then arrested the man who -succumbed to his blandishments, the judge -ordered the accused discharged and the officer -held. The official was subsequently convicted -of his part in the crime, and the supreme court -sustained the verdict against him.</p> - -<p>There is a very general misapprehension on -this subject and acts of the officials have been -winked at because the public really did not -know what was going on and did not realize -the extent of the practice indulged in by what -are very generally called stool pigeons.</p> - -<p>The laws of this or any other state may be -enforced without making all the people detectives, -as the Snoopers’ League would have -them, or without permitting the practice of -certain classes of officials, who sometimes literally -hire men to commit a crime, in order that -that very crime may be suppressed.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Where did I get my education? Why, me dad used to -take me over his knee. He made me smart.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Bully for the Chicago Tribune. That -journal slips the prong into Bluenose -Crafts in a recent issue:</p> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>It is beginning to appear that the movement led by -Mr. Crafts is as bigoted and as savage in its purpose as -those which we thought were buried in the semi-barbarous -past. It must be held that no human uplift but -maniacal desire to inflict physical punishment is the -motive. Mr. Crafts and his followers wish to put as -many of their fellow countrymen as possible in jail, and -they are trying to wreck this republic in order to do so.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Farmyard Notes</h3> - -<p>Chickens get tough when they run around -too much.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Be it ever so humble, there’s no flower like -the cauli.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A bird in the oven is worth two in the bush -and a berry in the bush is not worth two in the -hand.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>I wish I was cross-eyed, then I could stand on a windy -day and gaze at a lady wearing a short skirt, right in the -eye and still have a guilty conscience.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Cellar Ancestry</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The potatoes eyes were full of tears,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And the cabbage hung its head,</div> -<div class="verse">For there was grief in the cellar that nite,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">For the vinegar’s mother was dead.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>You can lead a cow to water but the Bull—he must be -herd.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>As It Is In New York</h3> - -<p class="smaller">“On East Houston Street is the lasagne or ravioli -belt where the gay boys from out of town take the leading -ladies of the jobber plants out for a wild evening,” -writes O. O. McIntyre. “You know the gay out-of-town -man. He carries a patent cigar lighter and has a sterling -silver monogrammed belt buckle and, oh, yes, a handkerchief -with a purple border. His eyes are blue and he -wrinkles them in a merry twinkle, at least he thinks it -is a merry twinkle, but it’s just the sap oozing out. The -Leading Lady knows Broadway because she reads Broadway -Brevities and her theory of life in the abstract is that -Ladies Must Live. After the first quart of red ink, he -whispers a story the boys told him in front of the Bon -Ton Store before he left for the east. She pulls the two -gun, hair-trigger Bill Hart stuff and says ‘Naughty Man.’ -To complete the evening and display the ultimate in savoir -faire he calls loudly to the waiter: ‘L’addition, s’il -vous plait garcon.’ They ride to one of the Oranges in -a quick-firing metered taxi and he returns to the McAlpin -to write the wife and kiddies of his lonesomeness.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>New York</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>This is the old famous New York poem, credited to a -former collector of the port as author, but denied. However, -you’ll note that every word carries a wallop and so we -herewith, with your kind permission, republish it</i>:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Vulgar of manner, overfed,</div> -<div class="verse">Over dressed, and underbred,</div> -<div class="verse">Heartless, Godless, hell’s delight,</div> -<div class="verse">Rude by day, lewd by night,</div> -<div class="verse">Bedwarfed the man, enlarged the brute,</div> -<div class="verse">Ruled by Jew and prostitute</div> -<div class="verse">Purple robed and pauper clad</div> -<div class="verse">Raving, rioting, money mad—</div> -<div class="verse">A squirming herd of Mammon’s mesh,</div> -<div class="verse">A wilderness of human flesh.</div> -<div class="verse">Crazed by avarice, lust and rum—</div> -<div class="verse">New York! Thy name’s “Delirium.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Farm Life</h3> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>“I see you are keeping your hired man all right now, -Ezra.”</p> - -<p>“Yep, keeping him all right.”</p> - -<p>“He seems satisfied, too. How’d you do it?”</p> - -<p>“Did everything he asked me to. Let him work only -four hours and eat with the family. He got to complaining -of dull evenings, so every night I give him the use -of a car of his own, and the money to spend, to go to -the movies in town.”</p> - -<p>“That ought to satisfy him.”</p> - -<p>“It didn’t, though. He complained of his room, and -so I coaxed my son to trade rooms with him. Then he -seemed more settled like.”</p> - -<p>“I notice you’ve cut off your whiskers, Ezra.”</p> - -<p>“Yeah. Some more of that hired man’s notions.”</p> - -<p>“How’s that?”</p> - -<p>“He complained they tickled him every time I kissed -him good-night.”</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wah, Wah!</h3> - -<p>“Golly, Moses! Dey got strawberries and -cherries and all kinds o’ fruit covered wit -candy. What kind shall ah git?”</p> - -<p>“Git a choc’lat covered watermillion.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sic ’em, Tige!</h3> - -<p>“What you need is a tonic to sharpen your -appetite,” said the Doctor. “By the way, what -is your occupation?”</p> - -<p>“I am a sword swallower in a circus side-show,” -replied the caller.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Little Joe says, “They am jest as many sebbens on de -dice as anything else, ony dey is bashfull.”</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Smokehouse Poetry</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><i>The greatest poem of the squared circle ever brought to -light is in store for March Whiz Bang readers, “The Kid’s -Last Fight.” That noted recitation of years ago has been -obtained by the Whiz Bang, reset to verse, and will hold the -boards in the March issue.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>The way he staggered made me sick,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>I stalled, McGee yelled “cop him quick!”</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>The crowd was wise and yellin’ “fake,”</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>They’d seen the chance I wouldn’t take.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>“Chi Slim” Twangs ’is Bloomin’ Lyre</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By J. Eugene Chrisman.</p> - -<p class="center"><i>Author of “Poppies,” written exclusively for Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">By the lake-front near Chicago with her elbows on her knee</div> -<div class="verse">There’s a widder-woman waiting and I know she waits for me;</div> -<div class="verse">When the wind is from the stock-yards every odor seems to say</div> -<div class="verse">“Come you back you lost star-boarder, come you back you skunk and pay!”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Her apron it was greasy and her hair it hung in strings,</div> -<div class="verse">And her name was Sarah Lukens but it had been lots o’ things!</div> -<div class="verse">When I saw her first a’diggin’ up the makin’s for a stew</div> -<div class="verse">And she wasn’t wastin’ nothing that a dog could chaw in two.</div> -<div class="verse">Blinkin’ rough for me to lead, tooth-less, sallow and knock-knee’d</div> -<div class="verse">Wasn’t carin’ much for class tho—what I needed was a feed.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">When the bunch had grabbed their hand-out and we had ’em on the go,</div> -<div class="verse">Then she’d start me for “Dutch” Ryan’s with a two-bit piece to throw.</div> -<div class="verse">With her head upon my shoulder at the second growler full,</div> -<div class="verse">She was lonesome bo, that widder with the rough-stuff that she’d pull!</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -<div class="verse">How I used to feed her full of the “mush-talk” and the bull</div> -<div class="verse">For the snow had begun blowin’ and I didn’t like to pull!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But that’s all put behind me, long ago and far away</div> -<div class="verse">Since I hit out for St. Looey one night on the C. & A.</div> -<div class="verse">But they’re tellin’ in the jungles that the winter’s one best bet</div> -<div class="verse">For a young and handsome hobo is to be a widder’s pet.</div> -<div class="verse">Oh them boardin’ kitchen smells as she fed me jams and jells</div> -<div class="verse">And the skuts of “suds” from Ryans—I won’t ever need naught else!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Ship me somewhere south of “Chi” though where the bloomin’ mob ain’t cursed</div> -<div class="verse">With a Volstead disposition and a man can quench his thirst</div> -<div class="verse">For the winter snows are falling and its there that I would be</div> -<div class="verse">Either Juarez or Havana with a widder on my knee!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Charley Wong</h3> - -<p class="center"><i>Copyrighted. By permission of the Author, Green Room -Club, New York.</i></p> - -<p class="center sans">By H. A. D’Arcy.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The west was pretty wild when Bill Durant and I went out,</div> -<div class="verse">’Twer in ’59 or ’60, somewhar that about,</div> -<div class="verse">Bill took his pretty wife along (they’d been wed about a year),</div> -<div class="verse">A buxom kind of girl she war, that never thought o’ fear.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And I don’t know that she needed to, for the miners one and all,</div> -<div class="verse">Would have fought for her like devils if she’d ever made the call;</div> -<div class="verse">And afore we’d fairly built a hut to keep her from the damp</div> -<div class="verse">A little baby gal was born—the first one in the camp.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And didn’t the boys keep Christmas? Well, I’m shoutin’ now they did;</div> -<div class="verse">Why, they all got roarin’ full that night just in honor o’ the kid;</div> -<div class="verse">And by the time that baby were a little tot o’ three years old,</div> -<div class="verse">She had a big tomato can just filled with virgin gold.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I built a cabin ’bout a quarter mile away from Bill’s,</div> -<div class="verse">So we both had kinder cozy homes protected by the hills;</div> -<div class="verse">And Charley Wong, the Chinaman, had opened handy by</div> -<div class="verse">The laundry o’ the canyon, and he washed for Bill and I.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Now, Chinamen ain’t liked too well, and one day in a row</div> -<div class="verse">Charley got pretty badly used, I disremember now</div> -<div class="verse">Just what the trouble war about, but Bill war in the fray,</div> -<div class="verse">And he helped to beat the Chinaman in a rather brutal way.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Durant weren’t bad at heart, ye know, but like too many others,</div> -<div class="verse">He didn’t like Mongolians, nor own ’um men and brothers;</div> -<div class="verse">And I often heard him say that if the Chinamen wer near</div> -<div class="verse">He’d cut the leper’s pigtail off and stick it through his ear.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">One evening Lizzie (Durant’s wife) and little Tot, the child,</div> -<div class="verse">Were comin’ homeward down the hills when all at once a wild</div> -<div class="verse">And fearful howl were heard behind—two wolves were on their track,</div> -<div class="verse">Liz says she stopped and grabbed the child and threw it on her back.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then shrieking aloud for help, she ran, as swift as any hind</div> -<div class="verse">Toward the Chinese laundry hut—the wolves came fast behind;</div> -<div class="verse">Nearer and nearer on they came; then reaching Charley’s door,</div> -<div class="verse">The mother, with her precious load, fell prone upon the floor.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Bill and I were talkin’ when we heard the fearful cries,</div> -<div class="verse">And rushing to the laundry the sight that met our eyes</div> -<div class="verse">Was far too horrible to tell, for thar was Charley Wong</div> -<div class="verse">Dead, and a blood-stained knife in hand full fifteen inches long.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He’d fought a fearful battle; one brute wer by his side</div> -<div class="verse">With its entrails all hanging out, and blood stains on its hide;</div> -<div class="verse">But t’ other had got its work in afore Bill and I got there,</div> -<div class="verse">And wer gnawing Charley’s throat and face till the bones were laying bare.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Wall, we made quick work o’ Mr. Wolf, we filled ’um full o’ lead,</div> -<div class="verse">Then gathered child and mother up and took ’em home to bed,</div> -<div class="verse">Next day when Lizzie told her tale, Bill’s eyes were full o’ tears,</div> -<div class="verse">He didn’t brag much sentiment, and hadn’t wept for years.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Poor “Washee!” when we packed him up the camp boys stood around</div> -<div class="verse">Each one with hat in hand and tearful eyes cast on the ground;</div> -<div class="verse">We shipped the corpse to ’Frisco, with a bag o’ the yellow dust</div> -<div class="verse">To pay the freight to Pekin—to “Rest In Peace,” I trust.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But ever after that, if any man had got the face</div> -<div class="verse">To say Chinese wer yallow dogs, he’d better quit the place;</div> -<div class="verse">For thar ain’t a name more holy held in Canyon Idlewild</div> -<div class="verse">Than Charley Wong, the Chinaman, that saved Bill’s wife and child.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">A horse fly eats whip crackers.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Song of Camille</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Sitting alone by my window,</div> -<div class="verse">Watching the moonlit street,</div> -<div class="verse">Bending my head to listen,</div> -<div class="verse">To the well-known sound of your feet</div> -<div class="verse">I have been wondering darling</div> -<div class="verse">How I can bear the pain,</div> -<div class="verse">When I watch with sighs and tear-wet eyes,</div> -<div class="verse">And wait for your coming in vain.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">For I know that the day approaches,</div> -<div class="verse">When your heart will tire of me,</div> -<div class="verse">When by door and gate I must watch and wait,</div> -<div class="verse">For a form I shall not see.</div> -<div class="verse">For the love that is now my heaven</div> -<div class="verse">The kisses that make my life,</div> -<div class="verse">You will bestow on another,</div> -<div class="verse">And that other will be your wife.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">You will grow weary of sinning,</div> -<div class="verse">Though you do not call it so</div> -<div class="verse">You will long for a love that is purer</div> -<div class="verse">Than the love that we two know,</div> -<div class="verse">God knows I love you dearly</div> -<div class="verse">With a passion strong as true,</div> -<div class="verse">But you will grow tired and leave me</div> -<div class="verse">Though I gave up all for you.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I was pure as the morning</div> -<div class="verse">When I first looked on your face,</div> -<div class="verse">I knew I could never reach you</div> -<div class="verse">In your high exalted place,</div> -<div class="verse">But I looked and loved and worshipped</div> -<div class="verse">As a flower might worship a star</div> -<div class="verse">And your eyes shown down upon me</div> -<div class="verse">And you seemed so far, so far.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And then? Well then you loved me</div> -<div class="verse">Loved me with all your heart,</div> -<div class="verse">But we could not stand at the altar</div> -<div class="verse">We were so far apart.</div> -<div class="verse">If a star should wed with a flower,</div> -<div class="verse">The star must drop from the sky</div> -<div class="verse">Or the flower in trying to reach it</div> -<div class="verse">Would droop on its stem and die.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But you said that you loved me darling,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> -<div class="verse">And swore by the heavens above</div> -<div class="verse">That the Lord and all of his Angels</div> -<div class="verse">Would sanction and bless our love,</div> -<div class="verse">And I? I was weak, not wicked,</div> -<div class="verse">My love was as pure as true,</div> -<div class="verse">And sin itself seemed a virtue,</div> -<div class="verse">If only shared by you.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We have been happy together,</div> -<div class="verse">Though under the cloud of sin</div> -<div class="verse">But I know that the day approaches</div> -<div class="verse">When my chastening must begin,</div> -<div class="verse">You seem to think kindly of me</div> -<div class="verse">But you seem downhearted and blue,</div> -<div class="verse">But you will not always be</div> -<div class="verse">And I think I had better leave you.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I know my beauty is fading,</div> -<div class="verse">Sin furrows the fairest brow,</div> -<div class="verse">And I know your heart will weary,</div> -<div class="verse">Of the face you smile on now.</div> -<div class="verse">You will take a bride on your bosom,</div> -<div class="verse">After you turn from me,</div> -<div class="verse">You will sit with your wife in the moon-light</div> -<div class="verse">And hold your babe on your knee.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Oh! God I could not bear it,</div> -<div class="verse">I would my brain I know,</div> -<div class="verse">And while you love me dearly,</div> -<div class="verse">I think I had better go.</div> -<div class="verse">It is sweeter to feel my darling</div> -<div class="verse">And know as I fall asleep</div> -<div class="verse">That some would mourn me and miss me</div> -<div class="verse">That someone was left to weep.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Though to die as I should in the future,</div> -<div class="verse">To drop in the streets some day,</div> -<div class="verse">Unknown, unwept and forgotten,</div> -<div class="verse">After you passed me away.</div> -<div class="verse">Perhaps the blood of the Savior,</div> -<div class="verse">Can wash my garments clean,</div> -<div class="verse">Perchance I may drift on the water,</div> -<div class="verse">That flows in the pastures green.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Perchance we may meet in heaven,</div> -<div class="verse">And walk in the street above,</div> -<div class="verse">With nothing to grieve us or part us,</div> -<div class="verse">Since our sinning was all through love.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> -<div class="verse">God says, love one another,</div> -<div class="verse">And down to the depths of Hell,</div> -<div class="verse">Well he sent the soul of a woman,</div> -<div class="verse">Because she loved—and fell.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And so in the moon-light he found her,</div> -<div class="verse">Or found her beautiful clay,</div> -<div class="verse">Lifeless and pallid as marble,</div> -<div class="verse">For the spirit had flown away.</div> -<div class="verse">The farewell words she had written,</div> -<div class="verse">She held to her cold white breast,</div> -<div class="verse">And the buried blade of a dagger,</div> -<div class="verse">Told how she had gone to rest.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>To a Mountain Rat</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Frank B. Lindeman.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yes I reckon God made ye</div> -<div class="verse">He’s blamed for rattlesnakes,</div> -<div class="verse">And porcupines and woodchucks,</div> -<div class="verse">And if they ain’t mistakes</div> -<div class="verse">Ye’re a crowin’ example</div> -<div class="verse">Of carelessness divine,</div> -<div class="verse">To nigh the danger line.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yer winkless eye in innocence</div> -<div class="verse">Hides cunnin’ cussedness,</div> -<div class="verse">And yer skin is full to bustin’</div> -<div class="verse">With a longin’ to possess</div> -<div class="verse">All things that don’t belong to you,</div> -<div class="verse">But when all’s said and done</div> -<div class="verse">There’s things on earth ye’ve failed to steal,</div> -<div class="verse">And reputation’s one.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The real John Barleycorn of older days is -gone, but not forgotten.</p> - -<p>Those of us who knew him best, and loved -him most,</p> - -<p>Stuck with him ’til the last drop.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Pretty (looking over the new theatre down-town)—What -do you think of the excavation?</p> - -<p>Witty—Oh, it’s pretty good as a whole.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Bum and the Farmer’s Son</h3> - -<p class="smaller">One fine day, in the month of May, a dirty old bum -came hiking; He sat down by a pig pen, which was very -much to his liking. On the very same day, in the month -of May, a farmer’s son came piping; Said the bum to the -son, “If you’ll only come, I will show you things to your -liking. I will show you the bees, and the cigarette trees, -and the gum drop heights, where they give away kites, -and the big rock candy mountains; And the lemonade -springs, where the blue bird sings, and marbles made of -crystal; you can whiff the breeze from the mince pie trees, -where the wind blows fine and frisky; and you can join -the band of Rocky Mountain Sam, and get yourself a -sword and a pistol.” The farmer’s son then went along, -listening to the bum’s merry song; and for six months -they did travel. Said the bum to the son, “When I get -done, you’re going to be a little devil.” The punk looked -up with his big blue eyes, and then he said to Sandy, -“Now we’ve been a hiking all day long, now gosh darn -where’s your candy? You put a brace on my leg, and -showed me how to beg, and you told me you were my -jocker; and you told me lies, when you promised me pies, -and you called me an apple knocker; I’m a goin’ back -home, no more to roam, I’m packing my junkerino; You -can bet your lid, that this Hoosier kid, won’t be any -bum’s punkerino.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Misplaced Eyebrow—“There is a hair in my -soup.”</p> - -<p>Diplomatic Waiter—“Probably out of your -mustache.”</p> - -<p>“I never thought of that.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Clap, Clap, Clap, Hurray!</h3> - -<p>“How do you like the Volstead Act?”</p> - -<p>“I never did care for vaudeville.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh, the Merry Bells of Windsor</h3> - -<p>Johnny was late at school and explained -that a wedding at his house was the cause of -the delay.</p> - -<p>“That’s nice,” replied teacher, “who gave -the bride away?”</p> - -<p>“Well,” Johnny answered, “I could have, but -I kept my mouth shut.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Barb Wire Hairnet</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Her has gone, her has went,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Her has left I all alone,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Can her never come to me,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Must me always go to she?</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>It can never was.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Some Parties, Ahoy!</h3> - -<p>“I suppose your wife was tickled to death at -your raise in salary?”</p> - -<p>“She will be.”</p> - -<p>“Haven’t you told her yet?”</p> - -<p>“No, I thought I would enjoy myself for a -couple of weeks first.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Isaac Goldstein came home one evening, unexpectedly, -and found a man sitting on his -wife’s lap.</p> - -<p>Next day he told his business partner about -it. His partner asked Mr. Goldstein what he -had said to the man.</p> - -<p>Goldstein replied, “I didn’t even speak to -him. He was a stranger.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Pasture Pot Pourri</i></h2> - -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>Ashes to ashes and dust to dust,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>If you don’t like my figure,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Keep your hands off my shoulders.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Finishing Touches</h3> - -<p>“It’s snow use,” said Alvie; “we can’t go -tonight.” And he hung up the receiver, while -the fluffy flakes fell on the grass outside.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Jewish Bees</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>Biz-z—Biz—Biz-ness.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“I’m through,” cried Pedro, as he glanced -over the Whiz Bang Winter Annual.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Tar Baby</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I once knew</div> -<div class="verse">A Girl</div> -<div class="verse">Who was so modest</div> -<div class="verse">That she wouldn’t</div> -<div class="verse">Even do</div> -<div class="verse">Improper Fractions.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Down in Dreamy Honohula</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If I was a man in the land of orange and fig,</div> -<div class="verse">I would sit with my thingamabob, and play on my thingamajig.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Longfellow</h3> - -<p>A tramp sat in the doorway of the box car, -his feet dragging on the ground.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Strike Three!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>They are fools who kiss and tell,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Thus it is the poet sings,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>But that is why so many girls</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Are sporting wedding rings.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>SHE CREPT UP TO THE SCALES LIKE AN -ARAB, AND SILENTLY STOLE A WEIGH.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Motto For Poets</h3> - -<p>If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking -till you do suck seed.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="smaller bold"> - -<p>Mr. Martin of Martin’s Ferry, protests against us -writing our jokes on tissue paper so that our Philadelphia -friend could see through them.</p> - -<p>“Tearible,” remarks Mr. Martin.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>They are all roses, but some of them are -pretty wild.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Will Be Dedicated By Request</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">What care we for Mary’s lamb,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Now he’s long been to sleep?</div> -<div class="verse">We’d rather see her pretty calves</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Than those old, pesky sheep.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The cold weather chills me to the bone.</p> - -<p>You should wear a hat.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Vengeance at Last</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Suddenly there came a tapping as if someone were scrapping, -slapping, rapping all the poets who write “Apologies to -Poe”—just outside my chamber door.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Old Ben Jo’ chewed slippery ellum;</div> -<div class="verse">Slippery ellum,</div> -<div class="verse">All the dern day long.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Tough Break</h3> - -<p>Had a great tip on a horse yesterday called -cigarette, but I didn’t have enough tobaccer.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Da, Da, Daddy</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I love them all, I love them all,</div> -<div class="verse">Please take me in swimmin’</div> -<div class="verse">With bow-legged women.</div> -<div class="verse">For I love them all.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“They sure soak you here,” Gus remarked -as he paid for a Turkish bath.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>“How hoarse you are this morning.”</i></p> - -<p class="smaller"><i>“Yes, my husband got home very late last night.”</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>My wife and I have been holding hands for -twelve years. If we ever let go we’ll kill one -another.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>My bride is a nice girl, but she sleeps with her knees up -and the draft gives me a cold.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>I’d like to see something in a lady’s combination.</p> - -<p>So would I.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>We Found These Woids</h3> - -<p>“Why, honey, I love you with an equatorial -passion that no adding machine can register.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oregon Gal</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There she goes on her toes,</div> -<div class="verse">All dressed up in her Sunday clothes,</div> -<div class="verse">Ain’t she neat, ain’t she sweet,</div> -<div class="verse">She has brand new stockings,</div> -<div class="verse">And nice big clumsy feet.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>There are a lot of towns in this country that don’t bury -their dead. They just let ’em walk around.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Mr. and Mrs. Fish wish to announce the arrival of a -couple of bouncing minnows.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Musicians have an easy job. While they’re at work -they’re only playing.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">I asked the boy across from my farm what he got for -planting potatoes. He said, “I don’t get nothin’ when I -do, but I get hell when I don’t.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>I got a fellow so drunk last night that it -took three bell boys to put me to bed.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Wanted: Man to drive. Must bring hammer -and nails.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hey, Eddie!</h3> - -<p>Eddie was great at a party. In fact, you -couldn’t have a party without him. He was a -great mixer.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Here It Is Again, Enlarged</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>Oh, Scissors, let us cut up!</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>Would Gillette me?</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“I’ve come to the end of my rope,” our hero -cried as he threw his cigar away.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He mixed his beans with honey,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">He’d done it all his life.</div> -<div class="verse">’Twas not because he liked the taste,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">But it held them on his knife.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Teddy’s Teachings</h3> - -<p>Get the habit, like the rabbit—multiply.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Let us all join in singing that timely melody:</p> - -<p class="smaller">“Keep her picture in your watch—you’ll love her in -time.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Going Up!</h3> - -<p class="smaller"><i>He started life as a chiropodist and worked his way up -to be a throat specialist.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Don’t always stand on the same side of the -pulpit. You’ll wear a hole in the carpet.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Here’s to the girl that I kissed last</div> -<div class="verse">Who doesn’t kiss slow and doesn’t kiss fast,</div> -<div class="verse">With lips like a ruby and cheeks like a rose,</div> -<div class="verse">How many have kissed her God only knows.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>“I’m the King of Siam!”</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>“Yesiam!”</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">He left the light burning so he could see to go asleep.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh the Moon Shines Bright</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Look out lips, look out gums,</div> -<div class="verse">Look out tummy, here she comes.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Kentucky College</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Bring on the “moon,”</div> -<div class="verse">Ring the bell,</div> -<div class="verse">Near-beer! Near-beer!</div> -<div class="verse">S.—O.—L.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">The funniest thing I ever saw was a cross-eyed -woman telling her hump-backed husband to walk straight -home.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Mrs. Murphy asked for a nut cracker and -her husband gave her a beer bottle.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The 1922 Girl</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I should worry, I should care</div> -<div class="verse">I should marry a millionaire.</div> -<div class="verse">If he should die, I should cry,</div> -<div class="verse">I should marry my regular guy.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="center smaller">A little song entitled,<br /> -“OIL BY MYSELF”<br /> -By John D.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>She’s a wonderful girl. She can keep a -secret in four different languages.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">There is no difference between me and the prohibition -agent. We’re both after the same thing.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller bold">The moral of a dog’s tail is that it invariably points -to the past.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wriggle Through This One</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">We have a terrible lot to be thankful for,</div> -<div class="verse">Now prohibition’s here,</div> -<div class="verse">They’ve taken away our whisky, wines and lager beer,</div> -<div class="verse">They’ll take away our tobacco next,</div> -<div class="verse">Along with the demon rum,</div> -<div class="verse">We’ll have a deuce of a lot to be thankful for,</div> -<div class="verse">If they leave us chewing gum.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How Do You Get That Way?</h3> - -<p>A Jewish sergeant at Camp Lee in 1918 -was explaining to a rookie the command, mark -time, in the following manner: “Foist you -raise yer right foot six inches in de air and -then bring the left foot alongside the right -one.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Lovely day, don’t you think,” said the man -as he hit his thumb with the hammer.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Two Swedes went to Ireland</div> -<div class="verse">To kiss the blarney stone,</div> -<div class="verse">But they couldn’t catch their lutefisk</div> -<div class="verse">Where the River Shannon flows.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Willie, your face has changed quite a bit.</p> - -<p>Yes, mother, dear, I’ve been washing it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A change of wives ofttimes improves one’s -disposition.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Consolation</h3> - -<p>“Who is that terrible looking woman?”</p> - -<p>“That’s my sister.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, that’s all right; you ought to see mine.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Dope This One</h3> - -<p>After Theophile returned to the city he -wrote to Farmer Si Hopkins concerning a question -which has been puzzling him for some -time.</p> - -<p>“Why,” he inscribed, “do you lock up that -donkey of yours so carefully every night?”</p> - -<p>In due course of time came Farmer Hopkins’ -reply. “Because it is too good an *.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hiawatha Skinned a Squirrel</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Hiawatha skinned the squirrel,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Just sat down and went and skinned it;</div> -<div class="verse">Went and skinned it to a finish,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">From its skin he made some mittens.</div> -<div class="verse">Made them with the outside inside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Made them with the inside outside,</div> -<div class="verse">Made them with the fur side inside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Made them with the skin side outside,</div> -<div class="verse">Made them with the warm side inside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Made them with the cold side outside.</div> -<div class="verse">Had he placed the fur side outside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Had he placed the skin side inside,</div> -<div class="verse">Had he placed the outside inside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And the inside inside</div> -<div class="verse">Then the warm side would have been outside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And the cold side inside,</div> -<div class="verse">So to get the fur side, warm side inside,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Placed the skin side, inside, outside.</div> -<div class="verse">Now you know why Hiawatha placed the outside, fur side, warm side, inside, and the inside, skin side, cold side, outside.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller bold">For when the One Great Scorer comes to write -against your name He writes not that you won or lost, -but how you played the game.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“They don’t look natural,” said the man, as -he rolled two threes.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How Kum?</h3> - -<p>Tom—“Where have you been for the last -three hours?”</p> - -<p>Bill—“In the saloon talking to the bartender.”</p> - -<p>Tom—“What did he say?”</p> - -<p>Bill—“No.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Quick, Gents!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>At sixteen, risque,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Likes a naughty joke;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>At seventeen, blase,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Tries to learn to smoke;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>At eighteen, mildish,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Jolly just the same;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>At nineteen, childish,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Getting rather tame;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>At twenty, breezy,</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Merely debonair;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>At twenty-one, uneasy;</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>So re-bobs her hair;</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>But when she reaches twenty-two</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Her rush turns to a shove,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>For then her motto has become:</i></div> -<div class="verse indent1"><i>Love and let love.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Wanted: Man with ugly face to frighten -children that play in my yard.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>He Calls This “Poetry”</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He’s got a swell noodle,</div> -<div class="verse">Our friend Ted,</div> -<div class="verse">He wears an eight and a half hat,</div> -<div class="verse">For a six and a half head.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Dusting Off the Old Ones</h3> - -<p>Man went into German butcher shop and -asked price of pork chops. To the reply of -30 cents a pound, he remonstrated that the -butcher across the street asked only 20 cents.</p> - -<p>“Why don’t you buy them there, then?” -asked the German.</p> - -<p>“I would, but he’s out,” said the customer.</p> - -<p>“Oh, vell, ven I’m oud, I sell ’em for only 10 -sends a pound.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Eh, Maggie?</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Here lie the bones of Peter Blunt</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Down in this mothering nook.</div> -<div class="verse">Alas, he was too small a runt</div> -<div class="verse indent1">To argue with a cook.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Warm Stuff</h3> - -<p>“My wife made it hot for me this morning.”</p> - -<p>“How was that?”</p> - -<p>“I insisted on her getting up to build the -fire.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>My Advice</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">If you should marry a hootch hound</div> -<div class="verse">I’ll tell you what to do.</div> -<div class="verse">Get a leaky boat and send afloat,</div> -<div class="verse">And paddle your own canoe.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Chicago Tribune’s Column</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Charles City, Iowa, Press)</p> - -<p class="sans">Manager Waterhouse, the movie man, who insists on giving his lady -patrons the best, is improving the theater by renovating and decorating -the ladies’ parlor and lobby and ladies can—at least, feel that everything -is fresh and orderly.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Classified Ads</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>This Soots Me</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Spokane Spokesman-Review)</p> - -<p class="sans">Young man, industrious, wants to meet lady with -enough cash to have her chimney swept. Dan Vall.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Whatcha Got?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Richmond, Va., Times Despatch)</p> - -<p class="sans">Have four daughters; would like to put them in a business -of their own. What have you to offer? P.O. Box 1092, City.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>And Everything</h3> - -<p class="center">(From The Duluth Herald)</p> - -<p class="sans">I got 10 aker of fine green timber dat I like for to sell on -Miller Trunk Highway near Duluth. It bane yust vat yu want for -a gude place to build cabin and have high old time, hunt yack -rabbit & everything. I like for to go back to Norway & will sell -very sheep. Write Lars Boguson, 1302 E. 8th St.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Ain’t We Got Fun?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From The Aberdeen World)</p> - -<p class="sans">WANTED—Girl or lady to stay with me nights; room rent -free. A-26, care of World.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Wild and Woolly West</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Casper, Wyo., Herald)</p> - -<p class="sans">TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN—In justice to my husband to -quiet a few rumors to the effect that he had beaten me up, during -our recent family trouble, is absolutely untrue. Signed, Mrs. -Bessie Peters.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Jonah came from the whale with an awful cough.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Busted Air Hose</h3> - -<p>An Italian was selling plaster of paris busts -of great personages on the streets in New York. -His cry was “Garibaldi, the greata man ina -Italy, George Wash tha greata man ina United -States. Tena centa each.”</p> - -<p>An American, thinking to have some fun -with him, took one of his busts of Garibaldi, -dropped it on the pavement and said, “To hell -with your Garibaldi.” The wop, not to be outdone, -took one of his statues of Washington, -threw it on the sidewalk, and said “To hell with -your Georga Wash.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That Ought to Cool It</h3> - -<p>Jerry recently took Gwendoline for a ride in -his new car and returned rather late. Approaching -a steep hill he stopped the car, got -out and raised the hood.</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter now?” asked Gwen.</p> - -<p>“I must cool the engine before I try to make -that hill,” replied Jerry.</p> - -<p>“Oh, goodness alive,” said Gwen, “It is getting -so awfully late. Why don’t you strip the -gears?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Tweet, Tweet</h3> - -<p>“I never spoke a cross word to my wife but -once.”</p> - -<p>“Quite remarkable, that.”</p> - -<p>“Not so very. See that scar?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How We Do It</h3> - -<p>A witty political candidate, after making a -speech in an agricultural district, announced -that he would be glad to answer any question -that might be put to him.</p> - -<p>A voice from the audience: “You seem to -know a lot about a farmer’s difficulties. May -I ask you a question about a momentous one?”</p> - -<p>“Certainly,” replied the candidate, nervously.</p> - -<p>“How can you tell a bad egg?” went on the -merciless voice.</p> - -<p>The candidate waited until the laughter had -died down, then replied, “If I had anything to -tell a bad egg I think I should break it gently.”</p> - -<p>He won the place.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>April Fool!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">It was only an old beer bottle,</div> -<div class="verse">Floating across the foam,</div> -<div class="verse">Just an old beer bottle,</div> -<div class="verse">Far away from home.</div> -<div class="verse">Only an old beer bottle,</div> -<div class="verse">With these sad words written on,</div> -<div class="verse">“Whoever finds this beer bottle,</div> -<div class="verse">Will find that the beer’s all gone.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Another Married Chestnut</h3> - -<p>“I had a queer dream last night, my dear. -I thought I saw another man running off with -you.”</p> - -<p>“What did you say to him?”</p> - -<p>“I asked him what he was running for.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>For Men Only</h3> - -<p>When you play poker you take a chance; -when you marry you have no chance.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Maids want nothing but husbands; after -that they want everything.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Most of the women who cry at weddings -have been married themselves.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Carpenter Hero</h3> - -<p>He “hammered” on the door; was answered -by a girl who wore a white “sash,” and asked -if he could get a “square” meal. He “saw” that -the place was “plane” but clean, and “planking” -himself down to the table, he “braced” his legs -beneath the chair, and “bit” into a Parker -“House” roll. His “nails” were rather dirty, -but he met the “stairs” of those about him with -a “level” glance. After “bolting” his food, he -“shingled” off a dollar bill, paid the girl, opining -that it was a good place to “board.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>The tenants who formerly lived on the floor above said -that our baby balled them out.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hi Say, Chappie</h3> - -<p>Maybelle (coquettishly)—You tickle me, -Duke.</p> - -<p>The Duke—My word, what a strange request!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Action vs. Words</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Have you ever</div> -<div class="verse">After an evening</div> -<div class="verse">Of anticipation</div> -<div class="verse">Finally arrived</div> -<div class="verse">At the crucial moment</div> -<div class="verse">And with a</div> -<div class="verse">Depth breath</div> -<div class="verse">Taken the....</div> -<div class="verse">Initial step</div> -<div class="verse">Aeons later</div> -<div class="verse">A small voice</div> -<div class="verse">Somewhere is</div> -<div class="verse">Heard to say</div> -<div class="verse">“Don’t”</div> -<div class="verse">While two arms</div> -<div class="verse">About one’s neck</div> -<div class="verse">Refute the argument.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse right">—Voo Doo.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Friday Special</h3> - -<p>Restaurant patron—Have you any whale, -waiter?</p> - -<p>No, sir.</p> - -<p>Have you any shark?</p> - -<p>No, sir.</p> - -<p>Then give me a T bone steak. God knows I -asked for fish.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Waiter! There’s a fly in my ice cream.”</p> - -<p>“Serves him right; let him freeze.”</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Our Rural Mail Box</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Lou Z. Lizzie</i></b>—I quite agree with you. A -man who gives you his diamond ring to look at -and then wants it back is no gentleman.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Mary Ellen Slapapple</i></b>—The fact that your -sweetheart gave you two black eyes is striking -proof of his affection.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Howsh E. Shaykes</i></b>—A change of pasture is -good for the bull, you know, old dear.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Hittem Formy</i></b>—Don’t run your legs off -after a woman; you’ll need them to kick yourself.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>True lovers never say good night until -morning.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>As a Rule</h3> - -<p>Clerk (at Employment Bureau)—“Someone -has sent for a yardman, sir.”</p> - -<p>Manager—“We haven’t any yardmen at -present.”</p> - -<p>Clerk—“Then shall I send up three footmen, -sir?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Barber Itch</h3> - -<p>Three prospective brides were in conference, -Madge, Mary and Martha.</p> - -<p>Madge—I am to marry a lawyer with fine -practice. We are building a beautiful home.</p> - -<p>Mary—My future husband is a banker and -we will have a summer home, a maid and a car.</p> - -<p>Martha—Well, girls, if you must know, I -am to marry a barber.</p> - -<p>Consternation reigned.</p> - -<p>“What on earth are you going to marry a -barber for?” gasped Madge and Mary.</p> - -<p>Martha—Because any time a barber isn’t -kissing you he is talking about it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>A timid bachelor recently walked into a -dance hall by mistake, and thought he was in -a ladies’ dressing room.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Jack—You certainly disgraced me at the -banquet last night when you got drunk.</p> - -<p>Jill—What did I do.</p> - -<p>Jack—When the charlotte russe was served -you tried to blow the foam off it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pee Ess</h3> - -<p>In conclusion, Gentle Readers, don’t forget -that Captain Billy’s encyclopedia of humor and -poetry, the Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies -of 1921-22, is awaiting you at your newsdealer -or the publisher.</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 bt-bb"> - -<h2><span class="u">The Winter Annual</span></h2> - -<p class="center"><i>CONTENTS</i></p> - -<ul> -<li><span class="smcap">Drippings from the Fawcett</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Girl in Blue Velvet Band</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Face on the Barroom Floor</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Frankie and Johnnie Blues</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Shooting of Dan McGrew</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Wedding of the Persian Cat</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Ace in the Hole</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Booze Fighter’s Dream</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Diary of a Divorcee</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Fable of the Bull</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Highty Tighty Aphrodite</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Golightly Highballs</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">How to Kiss Deliciously</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Hunting the Wily Pole Cat</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Mohammedan Bull</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Our Own Fairy Queen</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tool House on the Farm</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Old Smokehouse</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Questions and Answers</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Gila Monster Route</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Pasture Pot Pourri</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Hooch Cure Blues</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Dying Hobo</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Lasca</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Sam’s Girl</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Toledo Slim</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Evolution</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Poppies</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">After the Raid</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Harpy</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Suicide</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tarnished Goods</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Separation</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Little Red God</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">The Ladies</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Limber Kicks</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Naughty But Nice</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">To the Girl</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Rural Mail Box</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tired Hired Man</span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Life’s a Funny Proposition After All</span></li> -</ul> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-red"> - -<h2><i>Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22</i></h2> - -<p>256 pages of fun. The gems of 25 early -editions of Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. Stories, -toasts, poems, drippings and pot pourri -comprise this greatest Whiz Bang book.</p> - -<p class="center bold"><i>Only a Few Left</i></p> - -<p>If your newsdealer’s supply is exhausted, -pin a dollar bill, or your check, money -order or stamps to the coupon below and -receive this peppy collection.</p> - -<hr class="all-red" /> - -<p class="hanging sans">Whiz Bang,<br /> -Robbinsdale, Minnesota.</p> - -<p class="noindent">Gentlemen:</p> - -<p>Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps -for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22.”</p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> - -<div class="form">Address</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 red"> - -<p class="center larger"><i class="u all-red">Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p><i>Whiz Bang</i> is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains -30 cents, or may be -ordered direct from -the publisher at 25 -cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</p> - -<p>One dollar for the -WINTER ANNUAL.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> -<img src="images/bull.jpg" width="200" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -30, February, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, FEB 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62422-h.htm or 62422-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/4/2/62422/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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