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diff --git a/old/batbk10.txt b/old/batbk10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..3a6d3c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/batbk10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5014 @@ +*****The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Battle of the Books***** +And Other Short Pieces by Jonathan Swift +#1 in our series by Jonathan Swift + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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If you + don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are + payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Benedictine + University" within the 60 days following each + date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) + your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. + +WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? +The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, +scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty +free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution +you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg +Association / Benedictine University". + +*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +The Battle of the Books and Other Short Pieces by Jonathan Swift +Scanned and proofed by David Price +email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +The Battle of the Books and Other Short Pieces + + + + +Contents: + +Preface +I. THE BATTLE OF THE BOOKS +II. A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK. +III. PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 1708. +IV. THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE FIRST OF MR. BICKERSTAFF'S + PREDICTIONS. +V. BAUCIS AND PHILEMON. +VI. THE LOGICIANS REFUTED. +VII. THE PUPPET SHOW. +VIII. CADENUS AND VANESSA. +IX. STELLA'S BIRTHDAYS +X. TO STELLA +XI. THE FIRST HE WROTE OCT. 17, 1727. +XII. THE SECOND PRAYER WAS WRITTEN NOV. 6, 1727. +XIII. THE BEASTS' CONFESSION (1732). +XIV. ABOLISHING CHRISTIANITY +XV. HINTS TOWARDS AN ESSAY ON CONVERSATION. +XVI. THOUGHTS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS. + + + +THE PREFACE OF THE AUTHOR. + + + +SATIRE is a sort of glass wherein beholders do generally discover +everybody's face but their own; which is the chief reason for that +kind reception it meets with in the world, and that so very few are +offended with it. But, if it should happen otherwise, the danger +is not great; and I have learned from long experience never to +apprehend mischief from those understandings I have been able to +provoke: for anger and fury, though they add strength to the +sinews of the body, yet are found to relax those of the mind, and +to render all its efforts feeble and impotent. + +There is a brain that will endure but one scumming; let the owner +gather it with discretion, and manage his little stock with +husbandry; but, of all things, let him beware of bringing it under +the lash of his betters, because that will make it all bubble up +into impertinence, and he will find no new supply. Wit without +knowledge being a sort of cream, which gathers in a night to the +top, and by a skilful hand may be soon whipped into froth; but once +scummed away, what appears underneath will be fit for nothing but +to be thrown to the hogs. + + + + +CHAPTER I - A FULL AND TRUE ACCOUNT +OF THE +BATTLE FOUGHT LAST FRIDAY +BETWEEN THE +ANCIENT AND THE MODERN BOOKS +IN SAINT JAMES'S LIBRARY. + + + +WHOEVER examines, with due circumspection, into the annual records +of time, will find it remarked that War is the child of Pride, and +Pride the daughter of Riches:- the former of which assertions may +be soon granted, but one cannot so easily subscribe to the latter; +for Pride is nearly related to Beggary and Want, either by father +or mother, and sometimes by both: and, to speak naturally, it very +seldom happens among men to fall out when all have enough; +invasions usually travelling from north to south, that is to say, +from poverty to plenty. The most ancient and natural grounds of +quarrels are lust and avarice; which, though we may allow to be +brethren, or collateral branches of pride, are certainly the issues +of want. For, to speak in the phrase of writers upon politics, we +may observe in the republic of dogs, which in its original seems to +be an institution of the many, that the whole state is ever in the +profoundest peace after a full meal; and that civil broils arise +among them when it happens for one great bone to be seized on by +some leading dog, who either divides it among the few, and then it +falls to an oligarchy, or keeps it to himself, and then it runs up +to a tyranny. The same reasoning also holds place among them in +those dissensions we behold upon a turgescency in any of their +females. For the right of possession lying in common (it being +impossible to establish a property in so delicate a case), +jealousies and suspicions do so abound, that the whole commonwealth +of that street is reduced to a manifest state of war, of every +citizen against every citizen, till some one of more courage, +conduct, or fortune than the rest seizes and enjoys the prize: +upon which naturally arises plenty of heart-burning, and envy, and +snarling against the happy dog. Again, if we look upon any of +these republics engaged in a foreign war, either of invasion or +defence, we shall find the same reasoning will serve as to the +grounds and occasions of each; and that poverty or want, in some +degree or other (whether real or in opinion, which makes no +alteration in the case), has a great share, as well as pride, on +the part of the aggressor. + +Now whoever will please to take this scheme, and either reduce or +adapt it to an intellectual state or commonwealth of learning, will +soon discover the first ground of disagreement between the two +great parties at this time in arms, and may form just conclusions +upon the merits of either cause. But the issue or events of this +war are not so easy to conjecture at; for the present quarrel is so +inflamed by the warm heads of either faction, and the pretensions +somewhere or other so exorbitant, as not to admit the least +overtures of accommodation. This quarrel first began, as I have +heard it affirmed by an old dweller in the neighbourhood, about a +small spot of ground, lying and being upon one of the two tops of +the hill Parnassus; the highest and largest of which had, it seems, +been time out of mind in quiet possession of certain tenants, +called the Ancients; and the other was held by the Moderns. But +these disliking their present station, sent certain ambassadors to +the Ancients, complaining of a great nuisance; how the height of +that part of Parnassus quite spoiled the prospect of theirs, +especially towards the east; and therefore, to avoid a war, offered +them the choice of this alternative, either that the Ancients would +please to remove themselves and their effects down to the lower +summit, which the Moderns would graciously surrender to them, and +advance into their place; or else the said Ancients will give leave +to the Moderns to come with shovels and mattocks, and level the +said hill as low as they shall think it convenient. To which the +Ancients made answer, how little they expected such a message as +this from a colony whom they had admitted, out of their own free +grace, to so near a neighbourhood. That, as to their own seat, +they were aborigines of it, and therefore to talk with them of a +removal or surrender was a language they did not understand. That +if the height of the hill on their side shortened the prospect of +the Moderns, it was a disadvantage they could not help; but desired +them to consider whether that injury (if it be any) were not +largely recompensed by the shade and shelter it afforded them. +That as to the levelling or digging down, it was either folly or +ignorance to propose it if they did or did not know how that side +of the hill was an entire rock, which would break their tools and +hearts, without any damage to itself. That they would therefore +advise the Moderns rather to raise their own side of the hill than +dream of pulling down that of the Ancients; to the former of which +they would not only give licence, but also largely contribute. All +this was rejected by the Moderns with much indignation, who still +insisted upon one of the two expedients; and so this difference +broke out into a long and obstinate war, maintained on the one part +by resolution, and by the courage of certain leaders and allies; +but, on the other, by the greatness of their number, upon all +defeats affording continual recruits. In this quarrel whole +rivulets of ink have been exhausted, and the virulence of both +parties enormously augmented. Now, it must be here understood, +that ink is the great missive weapon in all battles of the learned, +which, conveyed through a sort of engine called a quill, infinite +numbers of these are darted at the enemy by the valiant on each +side, with equal skill and violence, as if it were an engagement of +porcupines. This malignant liquor was compounded, by the engineer +who invented it, of two ingredients, which are, gall and copperas; +by its bitterness and venom to suit, in some degree, as well as to +foment, the genius of the combatants. And as the Grecians, after +an engagement, when they could not agree about the victory, were +wont to set up trophies on both sides, the beaten party being +content to be at the same expense, to keep itself in countenance (a +laudable and ancient custom, happily revived of late in the art of +war), so the learned, after a sharp and bloody dispute, do, on both +sides, hang out their trophies too, whichever comes by the worst. +These trophies have largely inscribed on them the merits of the +cause; a full impartial account of such a Battle, and how the +victory fell clearly to the party that set them up. They are known +to the world under several names; as disputes, arguments, +rejoinders, brief considerations, answers, replies, remarks, +reflections, objections, confutations. For a very few days they +are fixed up all in public places, either by themselves or their +representatives, for passengers to gaze at; whence the chiefest and +largest are removed to certain magazines they call libraries, there +to remain in a quarter purposely assigned them, and thenceforth +begin to be called books of controversy. + +In these books is wonderfully instilled and preserved the spirit of +each warrior while he is alive; and after his death his soul +transmigrates thither to inform them. This, at least, is the more +common opinion; but I believe it is with libraries as with other +cemeteries, where some philosophers affirm that a certain spirit, +which they call BRUTUM HOMINIS, hovers over the monument, till the +body is corrupted and turns to dust or to worms, but then vanishes +or dissolves; so, we may say, a restless spirit haunts over every +book, till dust or worms have seized upon it - which to some may +happen in a few days, but to others later - and therefore, books of +controversy being, of all others, haunted by the most disorderly +spirits, have always been confined in a separate lodge from the +rest, and for fear of a mutual violence against each other, it was +thought prudent by our ancestors to bind them to the peace with +strong iron chains. Of which invention the original occasion was +this: When the works of Scotus first came out, they were carried +to a certain library, and had lodgings appointed them; but this +author was no sooner settled than he went to visit his master +Aristotle, and there both concerted together to seize Plato by main +force, and turn him out from his ancient station among the divines, +where he had peaceably dwelt near eight hundred years. The attempt +succeeded, and the two usurpers have reigned ever since in his +stead; but, to maintain quiet for the future, it was decreed that +all polemics of the larger size should be hold fast with a chain. + +By this expedient, the public peace of libraries might certainly +have been preserved if a new species of controversial books had not +arisen of late years, instinct with a more malignant spirit, from +the war above mentioned between the learned about the higher summit +of Parnassus. + +When these books were first admitted into the public libraries, I +remember to have said, upon occasion, to several persons concerned, +how I was sure they would create broils wherever they came, unless +a world of care were taken; and therefore I advised that the +champions of each side should be coupled together, or otherwise +mixed, that, like the blending of contrary poisons, their malignity +might be employed among themselves. And it seems I was neither an +ill prophet nor an ill counsellor; for it was nothing else but the +neglect of this caution which gave occasion to the terrible fight +that happened on Friday last between the Ancient and Modern Books +in the King's library. Now, because the talk of this battle is so +fresh in everybody's mouth, and the expectation of the town so +great to be informed in the particulars, I, being possessed of all +qualifications requisite in an historian, and retained by neither +party, have resolved to comply with the urgent importunity of my +friends, by writing down a full impartial account thereof. + +The guardian of the regal library, a person of great valour, but +chiefly renowned for his humanity, had been a fierce champion for +the Moderns, and, in an engagement upon Parnassus, had vowed with +his own hands to knock down two of the ancient chiefs who guarded a +small pass on the superior rock, but, endeavouring to climb up, was +cruelly obstructed by his own unhappy weight and tendency towards +his centre, a quality to which those of the Modern party are +extremely subject; for, being light-headed, they have, in +speculation, a wonderful agility, and conceive nothing too high for +them to mount, but, in reducing to practice, discover a mighty +pressure about their posteriors and their heels. Having thus +failed in his design, the disappointed champion bore a cruel +rancour to the Ancients, which he resolved to gratify by showing +all marks of his favour to the books of their adversaries, and +lodging them in the fairest apartments; when, at the same time, +whatever book had the boldness to own itself for an advocate of the +Ancients was buried alive in some obscure corner, and threatened, +upon the least displeasure, to be turned out of doors. Besides, it +so happened that about this time there was a strange confusion of +place among all the books in the library, for which several reasons +were assigned. Some imputed it to a great heap of learned dust, +which a perverse wind blew off from a shelf of Moderns into the +keeper's eyes. Others affirmed he had a humour to pick the worms +out of the schoolmen, and swallow them fresh and fasting, whereof +some fell upon his spleen, and some climbed up into his head, to +the great perturbation of both. And lastly, others maintained +that, by walking much in the dark about the library, he had quite +lost the situation of it out of his head; and therefore, in +replacing his books, he was apt to mistake and clap Descartes next +to Aristotle, poor Plato had got between Hobbes and the Seven Wise +Masters, and Virgil was hemmed in with Dryden on one side and +Wither on the other. + +Meanwhile, those books that were advocates for the Moderns, chose +out one from among them to make a progress through the whole +library, examine the number and strength of their party, and +concert their affairs. This messenger performed all things very +industriously, and brought back with him a list of their forces, in +all, fifty thousand, consisting chiefly of light-horse, heavy-armed +foot, and mercenaries; whereof the foot were in general but sorrily +armed and worse clad; their horses large, but extremely out of case +and heart; however, some few, by trading among the Ancients, had +furnished themselves tolerably enough. + +While things were in this ferment, discord grew extremely high; hot +words passed on both sides, and ill blood was plentifully bred. +Here a solitary Ancient, squeezed up among a whole shelf of +Moderns, offered fairly to dispute the case, and to prove by +manifest reason that the priority was due to them from long +possession, and in regard of their prudence, antiquity, and, above +all, their great merits toward the Moderns. But these denied the +premises, and seemed very much to wonder how the Ancients could +pretend to insist upon their antiquity, when it was so plain (if +they went to that) that the Moderns were much the more ancient of +the two. As for any obligations they owed to the Ancients, they +renounced them all. "It is true," said they, "we are informed some +few of our party have been so mean as to borrow their subsistence +from you, but the rest, infinitely the greater number (and +especially we French and English), were so far from stooping to so +base an example, that there never passed, till this very hour, six +words between us. For our horses were of our own breeding, our +arms of our own forging, and our clothes of our own cutting out and +sewing." Plato was by chance up on the next shelf, and observing +those that spoke to be in the ragged plight mentioned a while ago, +their jades lean and foundered, their weapons of rotten wood, their +armour rusty, and nothing but rags underneath, he laughed loud, and +in his pleasant way swore, by -, he believed them. + +Now, the Moderns had not proceeded in their late negotiation with +secrecy enough to escape the notice of the enemy. For those +advocates who had begun the quarrel, by setting first on foot the +dispute of precedency, talked so loud of coming to a battle, that +Sir William Temple happened to overhear them, and gave immediate +intelligence to the Ancients, who thereupon drew up their scattered +troops together, resolving to act upon the defensive; upon which, +several of the Moderns fled over to their party, and among the rest +Temple himself. This Temple, having been educated and long +conversed among the Ancients, was, of all the Moderns, their +greatest favourite, and became their greatest champion. + +Things were at this crisis when a material accident fell out. For +upon the highest corner of a large window, there dwelt a certain +spider, swollen up to the first magnitude by the destruction of +infinite numbers of flies, whose spoils lay scattered before the +gates of his palace, like human bones before the cave of some +giant. The avenues to his castle were guarded with turnpikes and +palisadoes, all after the modern way of fortification. After you +had passed several courts you came to the centre, wherein you might +behold the constable himself in his own lodgings, which had windows +fronting to each avenue, and ports to sally out upon all occasions +of prey or defence. In this mansion he had for some time dwelt in +peace and plenty, without danger to his person by swallows from +above, or to his palace by brooms from below; when it was the +pleasure of fortune to conduct thither a wandering bee, to whose +curiosity a broken pane in the glass had discovered itself, and in +he went, where, expatiating a while, he at last happened to alight +upon one of the outward walls of the spider's citadel; which, +yielding to the unequal weight, sunk down to the very foundation. +Thrice he endeavoured to force his passage, and thrice the centre +shook. The spider within, feeling the terrible convulsion, +supposed at first that nature was approaching to her final +dissolution, or else that Beelzebub, with all his legions, was come +to revenge the death of many thousands of his subjects whom his +enemy had slain and devoured. However, he at length valiantly +resolved to issue forth and meet his fate. Meanwhile the bee had +acquitted himself of his toils, and, posted securely at some +distance, was employed in cleansing his wings, and disengaging them +from the ragged remnants of the cobweb. By this time the spider +was adventured out, when, beholding the chasms, the ruins, and +dilapidations of his fortress, he was very near at his wit's end; +he stormed and swore like a madman, and swelled till he was ready +to burst. At length, casting his eye upon the bee, and wisely +gathering causes from events (for they know each other by sight), +"A plague split you," said he; "is it you, with a vengeance, that +have made this litter here; could not you look before you, and be +d-d? Do you think I have nothing else to do (in the devil's name) +but to mend and repair after you?" "Good words, friend," said the +bee, having now pruned himself, and being disposed to droll; "I'll +give you my hand and word to come near your kennel no more; I was +never in such a confounded pickle since I was born." "Sirrah," +replied the spider, "if it were not for breaking an old custom in +our family, never to stir abroad against an enemy, I should come +and teach you better manners." "I pray have patience," said the +bee, "or you'll spend your substance, and, for aught I see, you may +stand in need of it all, towards the repair of your house." +"Rogue, rogue," replied the spider, "yet methinks you should have +more respect to a person whom all the world allows to be so much +your betters." "By my troth," said the bee, "the comparison will +amount to a very good jest, and you will do me a favour to let me +know the reasons that all the world is pleased to use in so hopeful +a dispute." At this the spider, having swelled himself into the +size and posture of a disputant, began his argument in the true +spirit of controversy, with resolution to be heartily scurrilous +and angry, to urge on his own reasons without the least regard to +the answers or objections of his opposite, and fully predetermined +in his mind against all conviction. + +"Not to disparage myself," said he, "by the comparison with such a +rascal, what art thou but a vagabond without house or home, without +stock or inheritance? born to no possession of your own, but a pair +of wings and a drone-pipe. Your livelihood is a universal plunder +upon nature; a freebooter over fields and gardens; and, for the +sake of stealing, will rob a nettle as easily as a violet. Whereas +I am a domestic animal, furnished with a native stock within +myself. This large castle (to show my improvements in the +mathematics) is all built with my own hands, and the materials +extracted altogether out of my own person." + +"I am glad," answered the bee, "to hear you grant at least that I +am come honestly by my wings and my voice; for then, it seems, I am +obliged to Heaven alone for my flights and my music; and Providence +would never have bestowed on me two such gifts without designing +them for the noblest ends. I visit, indeed, all the flowers and +blossoms of the field and garden, but whatever I collect thence +enriches myself without the least injury to their beauty, their +smell, or their taste. Now, for you and your skill in architecture +and other mathematics, I have little to say: in that building of +yours there might, for aught I know, have been labour and method +enough; but, by woeful experience for us both, it is too plain the +materials are naught; and I hope you will henceforth take warning, +and consider duration and matter, as well as method and art. You +boast, indeed, of being obliged to no other creature, but of +drawing and spinning out all from yourself; that is to say, if we +may judge of the liquor in the vessel by what issues out, you +possess a good plentiful store of dirt and poison in your breast; +and, though I would by no means lesson or disparage your genuine +stock of either, yet I doubt you are somewhat obliged, for an +increase of both, to a little foreign assistance. Your inherent +portion of dirt does not fall of acquisitions, by sweepings exhaled +from below; and one insect furnishes you with a share of poison to +destroy another. So that, in short, the question comes all to +this: whether is the nobler being of the two, that which, by a +lazy contemplation of four inches round, by an overweening pride, +feeding, and engendering on itself, turns all into excrement and +venom, producing nothing at all but flybane and a cobweb; or that +which, by a universal range, with long search, much study, true +judgment, and distinction of things, brings home honey and wax." + +This dispute was managed with such eagerness, clamour, and warmth, +that the two parties of books, in arms below, stood silent a while, +waiting in suspense what would be the issue; which was not long +undetermined: for the bee, grown impatient at so much loss of +time, fled straight away to a bed of roses, without looking for a +reply, and left the spider, like an orator, collected in himself, +and just prepared to burst out. + +It happened upon this emergency that AEsop broke silence first. He +had been of late most barbarously treated by a strange effect of +the regent's humanity, who had torn off his title-page, sorely +defaced one half of his leaves, and chained him fast among a shelf +of Moderns. Where, soon discovering how high the quarrel was +likely to proceed, he tried all his arts, and turned himself to a +thousand forms. At length, in the borrowed shape of an ass, the +regent mistook him for a Modern; by which means he had time and +opportunity to escape to the Ancients, just when the spider and the +bee were entering into their contest; to which he gave his +attention with a world of pleasure, and, when it was ended, swore +in the loudest key that in all his life he had never known two +cases, so parallel and adapt to each other as that in the window +and this upon the shelves. "The disputants," said he, "have +admirably managed the dispute between them, have taken in the full +strength of all that is to be said on both sides, and exhausted the +substance of every argument PRO and CON. It is but to adjust the +reasonings of both to the present quarrel, then to compare and +apply the labours and fruits of each, as the bee has learnedly +deduced them, and we shall find the conclusion fall plain and close +upon the Moderns and us. For pray, gentlemen, was ever anything so +modern as the spider in his air, his turns, and his paradoxes? he +argues in the behalf of you, his brethren, and himself, with many +boastings of his native stock and great genius; that he spins and +spits wholly from himself, and scorns to own any obligation or +assistance from without. Then he displays to you his great skill +in architecture and improvement in the mathematics. To all this +the bee, as an advocate retained by us, the Ancients, thinks fit to +answer, that, if one may judge of the great genius or inventions of +the Moderns by what they have produced, you will hardly have +countenance to bear you out in boasting of either. Erect your +schemes with as much method and skill as you please; yet, if the +materials be nothing but dirt, spun out of your own entrails (the +guts of modern brains), the edifice will conclude at last in a +cobweb; the duration of which, like that of other spiders' webs, +may be imputed to their being forgotten, or neglected, or hid in a +corner. For anything else of genuine that the Moderns may pretend +to, I cannot recollect; unless it be a large vein of wrangling and +satire, much of a nature and substance with the spiders' poison; +which, however they pretend to spit wholly out of themselves, is +improved by the same arts, by feeding upon the insects and vermin +of the age. As for us, the Ancients, we are content with the bee, +to pretend to nothing of our own beyond our wings and our voice: +that is to say, our flights and our language. For the rest, +whatever we have got has been by infinite labour and search, and +ranging through every corner of nature; the difference is, that, +instead of dirt and poison, we have rather chosen to till our hives +with honey and wax; thus furnishing mankind with the two noblest of +things, which are sweetness and light." + +It is wonderful to conceive the tumult arisen among the books upon +the close of this long descant of AEsop: both parties took the +hint, and heightened their animosities so on a sudden, that they +resolved it should come to a battle. Immediately the two main +bodies withdrew, under their several ensigns, to the farther parts +of the library, and there entered into cabals and consults upon the +present emergency. The Moderns were in very warm debates upon the +choice of their leaders; and nothing less than the fear impending +from their enemies could have kept them from mutinies upon this +occasion. The difference was greatest among the horse, where every +private trooper pretended to the chief command, from Tasso and +Milton to Dryden and Wither. The light-horse were commanded by +Cowley and Despreaux. There came the bowmen under their valiant +leaders, Descartes, Gassendi, and Hobbes; whose strength was such +that they could shoot their arrows beyond the atmosphere, never to +fall down again, but turn, like that of Evander, into meteors; or, +like the cannon-ball, into stars. Paracelsus brought a squadron of +stinkpot-flingers from the snowy mountains of Rhaetia. There came +a vast body of dragoons, of different nations, under the leading of +Harvey, their great aga: part armed with scythes, the weapons of +death; part with lances and long knives, all steeped in poison; +part shot bullets of a most malignant nature, and used white +powder, which infallibly killed without report. There came several +bodies of heavy-armed foot, all mercenaries, under the ensigns of +Guicciardini, Davila, Polydore Vergil, Buchanan, Mariana, Camden, +and others. The engineers were commanded by Regiomontanus and +Wilkins. The rest was a confused multitude, led by Scotus, +Aquinas, and Bellarmine; of mighty bulk and stature, but without +either arms, courage, or discipline. In the last place came +infinite swarms of calones, a disorderly rout led by L'Estrange; +rogues and ragamuffins, that follow the camp for nothing but the +plunder, all without coats to cover them. + +The army of the Ancients was much fewer in number; Homer led the +horse, and Pindar the light-horse; Euclid was chief engineer; Plato +and Aristotle commanded the bowmen; Herodotus and Livy the foot; +Hippocrates, the dragoons; the allies, led by Vossius and Temple, +brought up the rear. + +All things violently tending to a decisive battle, Fame, who much +frequented, and had a large apartment formerly assigned her in the +regal library, fled up straight to Jupiter, to whom she delivered a +faithful account of all that passed between the two parties below; +for among the gods she always tells truth. Jove, in great concern, +convokes a council in the Milky Way. The senate assembled, he +declares the occasion of convening them; a bloody battle just +impendent between two mighty armies of ancient and modern +creatures, called books, wherein the celestial interest was but too +deeply concerned. Momus, the patron of the Moderns, made an +excellent speech in their favour, which was answered by Pallas, the +protectress of the Ancients. The assembly was divided in their +affections; when Jupiter commanded the Book of Fate to be laid +before him. Immediately were brought by Mercury three large +volumes in folio, containing memoirs of all things past, present, +and to come. The clasps were of silver double gilt, the covers of +celestial turkey leather, and the paper such as here on earth might +pass almost for vellum. Jupiter, having silently read the decree, +would communicate the import to none, but presently shut up the +book. + +Without the doors of this assembly there attended a vast number of +light, nimble gods, menial servants to Jupiter: those are his +ministering instruments in all affairs below. They travel in a +caravan, more or less together, and are fastened to each other like +a link of galley-slaves, by a light chain, which passes from them +to Jupiter's great toe: and yet, in receiving or delivering a +message, they may never approach above the lowest step of his +throne, where he and they whisper to each other through a large +hollow trunk. These deities are called by mortal men accidents or +events; but the gods call them second causes. Jupiter having +delivered his message to a certain number of these divinities, they +flew immediately down to the pinnacle of the regal library, and +consulting a few minutes, entered unseen, and disposed the parties +according to their orders. + +Meanwhile Momus, fearing the worst, and calling to mind an ancient +prophecy which bore no very good face to his children the Moderns, +bent his flight to the region of a malignant deity called +Criticism. She dwelt on the top of a snowy mountain in Nova +Zembla; there Momus found her extended in her den, upon the spoils +of numberless volumes, half devoured. At her right hand sat +Ignorance, her father and husband, blind with age; at her left, +Pride, her mother, dressing her up in the scraps of paper herself +had torn. There was Opinion, her sister, light of foot, hood- +winked, and head-strong, yet giddy and perpetually turning. About +her played her children, Noise and Impudence, Dulness and Vanity, +Positiveness, Pedantry, and Ill-manners. The goddess herself had +claws like a cat; her head, and ears, and voice resembled those of +an ass; her teeth fallen out before, her eyes turned inward, as if +she looked only upon herself; her diet was the overflowing of her +own gall; her spleen was so large as to stand prominent, like a dug +of the first rate; nor wanted excrescences in form of teats, at +which a crew of ugly monsters were greedily sucking; and, what is +wonderful to conceive, the bulk of spleen increased faster than the +sucking could diminish it. "Goddess," said Momus, "can you sit +idly here while our devout worshippers, the Moderns, are this +minute entering into a cruel battle, and perhaps now lying under +the swords of their enemies? who then hereafter will ever sacrifice +or build altars to our divinities? Haste, therefore, to the +British Isle, and, if possible, prevent their destruction; while I +make factions among the gods, and gain them over to our party." + +Momus, having thus delivered himself, stayed not for an answer, but +left the goddess to her own resentment. Up she rose in a rage, +and, as it is the form on such occasions, began a soliloquy: "It +is I" (said she) "who give wisdom to infants and idiots; by me +children grow wiser than their parents, by me beaux become +politicians, and schoolboys judges of philosophy; by me sophisters +debate and conclude upon the depths of knowledge; and coffee-house +wits, instinct by me, can correct an author's style, and display +his minutest errors, without understanding a syllable of his matter +or his language; by me striplings spend their judgment, as they do +their estate, before it comes into their hands. It is I who have +deposed wit and knowledge from their empire over poetry, and +advanced myself in their stead. And shall a few upstart Ancients +dare to oppose me? But come, my aged parent, and you, my children +dear, and thou, my beauteous sister; let us ascend my chariot, and +haste to assist our devout Moderns, who are now sacrificing to us a +hecatomb, as I perceive by that grateful smell which from thence +reaches my nostrils." + +The goddess and her train, having mounted the chariot, which was +drawn by tame geese, flew over infinite regions, shedding her +influence in due places, till at length she arrived at her beloved +island of Britain; but in hovering over its metropolis, what +blessings did she not let fall upon her seminaries of Gresham and +Covent-garden! And now she reached the fatal plain of St. James's +library, at what time the two armies were upon the point to engage; +where, entering with all her caravan unseen, and landing upon a +case of shelves, now desert, but once inhabited by a colony of +virtuosos, she stayed awhile to observe the posture of both armies. + +But here the tender cares of a mother began to fill her thoughts +and move in her breast: for at the head of a troup of Modern +bowmen she cast her eyes upon her son Wotton, to whom the fates had +assigned a very short thread. Wotton, a young hero, whom an +unknown father of mortal race begot by stolen embraces with this +goddess. He was the darling of his mother above all her children, +and she resolved to go and comfort him. But first, according to +the good old custom of deities, she cast about to change her shape, +for fear the divinity of her countenance might dazzle his mortal +sight and overcharge the rest of his senses. She therefore +gathered up her person into an octavo compass: her body grow white +and arid, and split in pieces with dryness; the thick turned into +pasteboard, and the thin into paper; upon which her parents and +children artfully strewed a black juice, or decoction of gall and +soot, in form of letters: her head, and voice, and spleen, kept +their primitive form; and that which before was a cover of skin did +still continue so. In this guise she marched on towards the +Moderns, indistinguishable in shape and dress from the divine +Bentley, Wotton's dearest friend. "Brave Wotton," said the +goddess, "why do our troops stand idle here, to spend their present +vigour and opportunity of the day? away, let us haste to the +generals, and advise to give the onset immediately." Having spoke +thus, she took the ugliest of her monsters, full glutted from her +spleen, and flung it invisibly into his mouth, which, flying +straight up into his head, squeezed out his eye-balls, gave him a +distorted look, and half-overturned his brain. Then she privately +ordered two of her beloved children, Dulness and Ill-manners, +closely to attend his person in all encounters. Having thus +accoutred him, she vanished in a mist, and the hero perceived it +was the goddess his mother. + +The destined hour of fate being now arrived, the fight began; +whereof, before I dare adventure to make a particular description, +I must, after the example of other authors, petition for a hundred +tongues, and mouths, and hands, and pens, which would all be too +little to perform so immense a work. Say, goddess, that presidest +over history, who it was that first advanced in the field of +battle! Paracelsus, at the head of his dragoons, observing Galen +in the adverse wing, darted his javelin with a mighty force, which +the brave Ancient received upon his shield, the point breaking in +the second fold . . . HIC PAUCA +. . . . DESUNT + +They bore the wounded aga on their shields to his +chariot . . . +DESUNT . . . +NONNULLA. . . . + +Then Aristotle, observing Bacon advance with a furious mien, drew +his bow to the head, and let fly his arrow, which missed the +valiant Modern and went whizzing over his head; but Descartes it +hit; the steel point quickly found a defect in his head-piece; it +pierced the leather and the pasteboard, and went in at his right +eye. The torture of the pain whirled the valiant bow-man round +till death, like a star of superior influence, drew him into his +own vortex INGENS HIATUS . . . . +HIC IN MS. . . . . +. . . . when Homer appeared at the head of the cavalry, mounted +on a furious horse, with difficulty managed by the rider himself, +but which no other mortal durst approach; he rode among the enemy's +ranks, and bore down all before him. Say, goddess, whom he slew +first and whom he slew last! First, Gondibert advanced against +him, clad in heavy armour and mounted on a staid sober gelding, not +so famed for his speed as his docility in kneeling whenever his +rider would mount or alight. He had made a vow to Pallas that he +would never leave the field till he had spoiled Homer of his +armour: madman, who had never once seen the wearer, nor understood +his strength! Him Homer overthrew, horse and man, to the ground, +there to be trampled and choked in the dirt. Then with a long +spear he slew Denham, a stout Modern, who from his father's side +derived his lineage from Apollo, but his mother was of mortal race. +He fell, and bit the earth. The celestial part Apollo took, and +made it a star; but the terrestrial lay wallowing upon the ground. +Then Homer slew Sam Wesley with a kick of his horse's heel; he took +Perrault by mighty force out of his saddle, then hurled him at +Fontenelle, with the same blow dashing out both their brains. + +On the left wing of the horse Virgil appeared, in shining armour, +completely fitted to his body; he was mounted on a dapple-grey +steed, the slowness of whose pace was an effect of the highest +mettle and vigour. He cast his eye on the adverse wing, with a +desire to find an object worthy of his valour, when behold upon a +sorrel gelding of a monstrous size appeared a foe, issuing from +among the thickest of the enemy's squadrons; but his speed was less +than his noise; for his horse, old and lean, spent the dregs of his +strength in a high trot, which, though it made slow advances, yet +caused a loud clashing of his armour, terrible to hear. The two +cavaliers had now approached within the throw of a lance, when the +stranger desired a parley, and, lifting up the visor of his helmet, +a face hardly appeared from within which, after a pause, was known +for that of the renowned Dryden. The brave Ancient suddenly +started, as one possessed with surprise and disappointment +together; for the helmet was nine times too large for the head, +which appeared situate far in the hinder part, even like the lady +in a lobster, or like a mouse under a canopy of state, or like a +shrivelled beau from within the penthouse of a modern periwig; and +the voice was suited to the visage, sounding weak and remote. +Dryden, in a long harangue, soothed up the good Ancient; called him +father, and, by a large deduction of genealogies, made it plainly +appear that they were nearly related. Then he humbly proposed an +exchange of armour, as a lasting mark of hospitality between them. +Virgil consented (for the goddess Diffidence came unseen, and cast +a mist before his eyes), though his was of gold and cost a hundred +beeves, the other's but of rusty iron. However, this glittering +armour became the Modern yet worsen than his own. Then they agreed +to exchange horses; but, when it came to the trial, Dryden was +afraid and utterly unable to mount. . . ALTER HIATUS +. . . . IN MS. + +Lucan appeared upon a fiery horse of admirable shape, but +headstrong, bearing the rider where he list over the field; he made +a mighty slaughter among the enemy's horse; which destruction to +stop, Blackmore, a famous Modern (but one of the mercenaries), +strenuously opposed himself, and darted his javelin with a strong +hand, which, falling short of its mark, struck deep in the earth. +Then Lucan threw a lance; but AEsculapius came unseen and turned +off the point. "Brave Modern," said Lucan, "I perceive some god +protects you, for never did my arm so deceive me before: but what +mortal can contend with a god? Therefore, let us fight no longer, +but present gifts to each other." Lucan then bestowed on the +Modern a pair of spurs, and Blackmore gave Lucan a bridle. . . . +PAUCA DESUNT. . . . +. . . . + +Creech: but the goddess Dulness took a cloud, formed into the +shape of Horace, armed and mounted, and placed in a flying posture +before him. Glad was the cavalier to begin a combat with a flying +foe, and pursued the image, threatening aloud; till at last it led +him to the peaceful bower of his father, Ogleby, by whom he was +disarmed and assigned to his repose. + +Then Pindar slew -, and - and Oldham, and -, and Afra the Amazon, +light of foot; never advancing in a direct line, but wheeling with +incredible agility and force, he made a terrible slaughter among +the enemy's light-horse. Him when Cowley observed, his generous +heart burnt within him, and he advanced against the fierce Ancient, +imitating his address, his pace, and career, as well as the vigour +of his horse and his own skill would allow. When the two cavaliers +had approached within the length of three javelins, first Cowley +threw a lance, which missed Pindar, and, passing into the enemy's +ranks, fell ineffectual to the ground. Then Pindar darted a +javelin so large and weighty, that scarce a dozen Cavaliers, as +cavaliers are in our degenerate days, could raise it from the +ground; yet he threw it with ease, and it went, by an unerring +hand, singing through the air; nor could the Modern have avoided +present death if he had not luckily opposed the shield that had +been given him by Venus. And now both heroes drew their swords; +but the Modern was so aghast and disordered that he knew not where +he was; his shield dropped from his hands; thrice he fled, and +thrice he could not escape. At last he turned, and lifting up his +hand in the posture of a suppliant, "Godlike Pindar," said he, +"spare my life, and possess my horse, with these arms, beside the +ransom which my friends will give when they hear I am alive and +your prisoner." "Dog!" said Pindar, "let your ransom stay with +your friends; but your carcase shall be left for the fowls of the +air and the beasts of the field." With that he raised his sword, +and, with a mighty stroke, cleft the wretched Modern in twain, the +sword pursuing the blow; and one half lay panting on the ground, to +be trod in pieces by the horses' feet; the other half was borne by +the frighted steed through the field. This Venus took, washed it +seven times in ambrosia, then struck it thrice with a sprig of +amaranth; upon which the leather grow round and soft, and the +leaves turned into feathers, and, being gilded before, continued +gilded still; so it became a dove, and she harnessed it to her +chariot. . . . +. . . . HIATUS VALDE DE- +. . . . FLENDUS IN MS. + + +THE EPISODE OF BENTLEY AND WOTTON. + + +Day being far spent, and the numerous forces of the Moderns half +inclining to a retreat, there issued forth, from a squadron of +their heavy-armed foot, a captain whose name was Bentley, the most +deformed of all the Moderns; tall, but without shape or comeliness; +large, but without strength or proportion. His armour was patched +up of a thousand incoherent pieces, and the sound of it, as he +marched, was loud and dry, like that made by the fall of a sheet of +lead, which an Etesian wind blows suddenly down from the roof of +some steeple. His helmet was of old rusty iron, but the vizor was +brass, which, tainted by his breath, corrupted into copperas, nor +wanted gall from the same fountain, so that, whenever provoked by +anger or labour, an atramentous quality, of most malignant nature, +was seen to distil from his lips. In his right hand he grasped a +flail, and (that he might never be unprovided of an offensive +weapon) a vessel full of ordure in his left. Thus completely +armed, he advanced with a slow and heavy pace where the Modern +chiefs were holding a consult upon the sum of things, who, as he +came onwards, laughed to behold his crooked leg and humped +shoulder, which his boot and armour, vainly endeavouring to hide, +were forced to comply with and expose. The generals made use of +him for his talent of railing, which, kept within government, +proved frequently of great service to their cause, but, at other +times, did more mischief than good; for, at the least touch of +offence, and often without any at all, he would, like a wounded +elephant, convert it against his leaders. Such, at this juncture, +was the disposition of Bentley, grieved to see the enemy prevail, +and dissatisfied with everybody's conduct but his own. He humbly +gave the Modern generals to understand that he conceived, with +great submission, they were all a pack of rogues, and fools, and +confounded logger-heads, and illiterate whelps, and nonsensical +scoundrels; that, if himself had been constituted general, those +presumptuous dogs, the Ancients, would long before this have been +beaten out of the field. "You," said he, "sit here idle, but when +I, or any other valiant Modern kill an enemy, you are sure to seize +the spoil. But I will not march one foot against the foe till you +all swear to me that whomever I take or kill, his arms I shall +quietly possess." Bentley having spoken thus, Scaliger, bestowing +him a sour look, "Miscreant prater!" said he, "eloquent only in +thine own eyes, thou railest without wit, or truth, or discretion. +The malignity of thy temper perverteth nature; thy learning makes +thee more barbarous; thy study of humanity more inhuman; thy +converse among poets more grovelling, miry, and dull. All arts of +civilising others render thee rude and untractable; courts have +taught thee ill manners, and polite conversation has finished thee +a pedant. Besides, a greater coward burdeneth not the army. But +never despond; I pass my word, whatever spoil thou takest shall +certainly be thy own; though I hope that vile carcase will first +become a prey to kites and worms." + +Bentley durst not reply, but, half choked with spleen and rage, +withdrew, in full resolution of performing some great achievement. +With him, for his aid and companion, he took his beloved Wotton, +resolving by policy or surprise to attempt some neglected quarter +of the Ancients' army. They began their march over carcases of +their slaughtered friends; then to the right of their own forces; +then wheeled northward, till they came to Aldrovandus's tomb, which +they passed on the side of the declining sun. And now they +arrived, with fear, toward the enemy's out-guards, looking about, +if haply they might spy the quarters of the wounded, or some +straggling sleepers, unarmed and remote from the rest. As when two +mongrel curs, whom native greediness and domestic want provoke and +join in partnership, though fearful, nightly to invade the folds of +some rich grazier, they, with tails depressed and lolling tongues, +creep soft and slow. Meanwhile the conscious moon, now in her +zenith, on their guilty heads darts perpendicular rays; nor dare +they bark, though much provoked at her refulgent visage, whether +seen in puddle by reflection or in sphere direct; but one surveys +the region round, while the other scouts the plain, if haply to +discover, at distance from the flock, some carcase half devoured, +the refuse of gorged wolves or ominous ravens. So marched this +lovely, loving pair of friends, nor with less fear and +circumspection, when at a distance they might perceive two shining +suits of armour hanging upon an oak, and the owners not far off in +a profound sleep. The two friends drew lots, and the pursuing of +this adventure fell to Bentley; on he went, and in his van +Confusion and Amaze, while Horror and Affright brought up the rear. +As he came near, behold two heroes of the Ancient army, Phalaris +and AEsop, lay fast asleep. Bentley would fain have despatched +them both, and, stealing close, aimed his flail at Phalaris's +breast; but then the goddess Affright, interposing, caught the +Modern in her icy arms, and dragged him from the danger she +foresaw; both the dormant heroes happened to turn at the same +instant, though soundly sleeping, and busy in a dream. For +Phalaris was just that minute dreaming how a most vile poetaster +had lampooned him, and how he had got him roaring in his bull. And +AEsop dreamed that as he and the Ancient were lying on the ground, +a wild ass broke loose, ran about, trampling and kicking in their +faces. Bentley, leaving the two heroes asleep, seized on both +their armours, and withdrew in quest of his darling Wotton. + +He, in the meantime, had wandered long in search of some +enterprise, till at length he arrived at a small rivulet that +issued from a fountain hard by, called, in the language of mortal +men, Helicon. Here he stopped, and, parched with thirst, resolved +to allay it in this limpid stream. Thrice with profane hands he +essayed to raise the water to his lips, and thrice it slipped all +through his fingers. Then he stopped prone on his breast, but, ere +his mouth had kissed the liquid crystal, Apollo came, and in the +channel held his shield betwixt the Modern and the fountain, so +that he drew up nothing but mud. For, although no fountain on +earth can compare with the clearness of Helicon, yet there lies at +bottom a thick sediment of slime and mud; for so Apollo begged of +Jupiter, as a punishment to those who durst attempt to taste it +with unhallowed lips, and for a lesson to all not to draw too deep +or far from the spring. + +At the fountain-head Wotton discerned two heroes; the one he could +not distinguish, but the other was soon known for Temple, general +of the allies to the Ancients. His back was turned, and he was +employed in drinking large draughts in his helmet from the +fountain, where he had withdrawn himself to rest from the toils of +the war. Wotton, observing him, with quaking knees and trembling +hands, spoke thus to himself: O that I could kill this destroyer +of our army, what renown should I purchase among the chiefs! but to +issue out against him, man against man, shield against shield, and +lance against lance, what Modern of us dare? for he fights like a +god, and Pallas or Apollo are ever at his elbow. But, O mother! if +what Fame reports be true, that I am the son of so great a goddess, +grant me to hit Temple with this lance, that the stroke may send +him to hell, and that I may return in safety and triumph, laden +with his spoils. The first part of this prayer the gods granted at +the intercession of his mother and of Momus; but the rest, by a +perverse wind sent from Fate, was scattered in the air. Then +Wotton grasped his lance, and, brandishing it thrice over his head, +darted it with all his might; the goddess, his mother, at the same +time adding strength to his arm. Away the lance went hizzing, and +reached even to the belt of the averted Ancient, upon which, +lightly grazing, it fell to the ground. Temple neither felt the +weapon touch him nor heard it fall: and Wotton might have escaped +to his army, with the honour of having remitted his lance against +so great a leader unrevenged; but Apollo, enraged that a javelin +flung by the assistance of so foul a goddess should pollute his +fountain, put on the shape of -, and softly came to young Boyle, +who then accompanied Temple: he pointed first to the lance, then +to the distant Modern that flung it, and commanded the young hero +to take immediate revenge. Boyle, clad in a suit of armour which +had been given him by all the gods, immediately advanced against +the trembling foe, who now fled before him. As a young lion in the +Libyan plains, or Araby desert, sent by his aged sire to hunt for +prey, or health, or exercise, he scours along, wishing to meet some +tiger from the mountains, or a furious boar; if chance a wild ass, +with brayings importune, affronts his ear, the generous beast, +though loathing to distain his claws with blood so vile, yet, much +provoked at the offensive noise, which Echo, foolish nymph, like +her ill-judging sex, repeats much louder, and with more delight +than Philomela's song, he vindicates the honour of the forest, and +hunts the noisy long-eared animal. So Wotton fled, so Boyle +pursued. But Wotton, heavy-armed, and slow of foot, began to slack +his course, when his lover Bentley appeared, returning laden with +the spoils of the two sleeping Ancients. Boyle observed him well, +and soon discovering the helmet and shield of Phalaris his friend, +both which he had lately with his own hands new polished and gilt, +rage sparkled in his eyes, and, leaving his pursuit after Wotton, +he furiously rushed on against this new approacher. Fain would he +be revenged on both; but both now fled different ways: and, as a +woman in a little house that gets a painful livelihood by spinning, +if chance her geese be scattered o'er the common, she courses round +the plain from side to side, compelling here and there the +stragglers to the flock; they cackle loud, and flutter o'er the +champaign; so Boyle pursued, so fled this pair of friends: finding +at length their flight was vain, they bravely joined, and drew +themselves in phalanx. First Bentley threw a spear with all his +force, hoping to pierce the enemy's breast; but Pallas came unseen, +and in the air took off the point, and clapped on one of lead, +which, after a dead bang against the enemy's shield, fell blunted +to the ground. Then Boyle, observing well his time, took up a +lance of wondrous length and sharpness; and, as this pair of +friends compacted, stood close side by side, he wheeled him to the +right, and, with unusual force, darted the weapon. Bentley saw his +fate approach, and flanking down his arms close to his ribs, hoping +to save his body, in went the point, passing through arm and side, +nor stopped or spent its force till it had also pierced the valiant +Wotton, who, going to sustain his dying friend, shared his fate. +As when a skilful cook has trussed a brace of woodcocks, he with +iron skewer pierces the tender sides of both, their legs and wings +close pinioned to the rib; so was this pair of friends transfixed, +till down they fell, joined in their lives, joined in their deaths; +so closely joined that Charon would mistake them both for one, and +waft them over Styx for half his fare. Farewell, beloved, loving +pair; few equals have you left behind: and happy and immortal +shall you be, if all my wit and eloquence can make you. + +And now. . . . + +DESUNT COETERA. + + + +CHAPTER II - A MEDITATION UPON A BROOMSTICK. + + + +ACCORDING TO THE STYLE AND MANNER OF THE HON. ROBERT BOYLE'S +MEDITATIONS. + +THIS single stick, which you now behold ingloriously lying in that +neglected corner, I once knew in a flourishing state in a forest. +It was full of sap, full of leaves, and full of boughs; but now in +vain does the busy art of man pretend to vie with nature, by tying +that withered bundle of twigs to its sapless trunk; it is now at +best but the reverse of what it was, a tree turned upside-down, the +branches on the earth, and the root in the air; it is now handled +by every dirty wench, condemned to do her drudgery, and, by a +capricious kind of fate, destined to make other things clean, and +be nasty itself; at length, worn to the stumps in the service of +the maids, it is either thrown out of doors or condemned to the +last use - of kindling a fire. When I behold this I sighed, and +said within myself, "Surely mortal man is a broomstick!" Nature +sent him into the world strong and lusty, in a thriving condition, +wearing his own hair on his head, the proper branches of this +reasoning vegetable, till the axe of intemperance has lopped off +his green boughs, and left him a withered trunk; he then flies to +art, and puts on a periwig, valuing himself upon an unnatural +bundle of hairs, all covered with powder, that never grew on his +head; but now should this our broomstick pretend to enter the +scene, proud of those birchen spoils it never bore, and all covered +with dust, through the sweepings of the finest lady's chamber, we +should be apt to ridicule and despise its vanity. Partial judges +that we are of our own excellencies, and other men's defaults! + +But a broomstick, perhaps you will say, is an emblem of a tree +standing on its head; and pray what is a man but a topsy-turvy +creature, his animal faculties perpetually mounted on his rational, +his head where his heels should be, grovelling on the earth? And +yet, with all his faults, he sets up to be a universal reformer and +corrector of abuses, a remover of grievances, rakes into every +slut's corner of nature, bringing hidden corruptions to the light, +and raises a mighty dust where there was none before, sharing +deeply all the while in the very same pollutions he pretends to +sweep away. His last days are spent in slavery to women, and +generally the least deserving; till, worn to the stumps, like his +brother besom, he is either kicked out of doors, or made use of to +kindle flames for others to warm themselves by. + + + +CHAPTER III - PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 1708. + +WHEREIN THE MONTH, AND DAY OF THE MONTH ARE SET DOWN, THE PERSONS +NAMED, AND THE GREAT ACTIONS AND EVENTS OF NEXT YEAR PARTICULARLY +RELATED AS WILL COME TO PASS. + +WRITTEN TO PREVENT THE PEOPLE OF ENGLAND FROM BEING FARTHER IMPOSED +ON BY VULGAR ALMANACK-MAKERS. + +BY ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, ESQ. + + + + +I HAVE long considered the gross abuse of astrology in this +kingdom, and upon debating the matter with myself, I could not +possibly lay the fault upon the art, but upon those gross impostors +who set up to be the artists. I know several learned men have +contended that the whole is a cheat; that it is absurd and +ridiculous to imagine the stars can have any influence at all upon +human actions, thoughts, or inclinations; and whoever has not bent +his studies that way may be excused for thinking so, when he sees +in how wretched a manner that noble art is treated by a few mean +illiterate traders between us and the stars, who import a yearly +stock of nonsense, lies, folly, and impertinence, which they offer +to the world as genuine from the planets, though they descend from +no greater a height than their own brains. + +I intend in a short time to publish a large and rational defence of +this art, and therefore shall say no more in its justification at +present than that it hath been in all ages defended by many learned +men, and among the rest by Socrates himself, whom I look upon as +undoubtedly the wisest of uninspired mortals: to which if we add +that those who have condemned this art, though otherwise learned, +having been such as either did not apply their studies this way, or +at least did not succeed in their applications, their testimony +will not be of much weight to its disadvantage, since they are +liable to the common objection of condemning what they did not +understand. + +Nor am I at all offended, or think it an injury to the art, when I +see the common dealers in it, the students in astrology, the +Philomaths, and the rest of that tribe, treated by wise men with +the utmost scorn and contempt; but rather wonder, when I observe +gentlemen in the country, rich enough to serve the nation in +Parliament, poring in Partridge's Almanack to find out the events +of the year at home and abroad, not daring to propose a hunting- +match till Gadbury or he have fixed the weather. + +I will allow either of the two I have mentioned, or any other of +the fraternity, to he not only astrologers, but conjurers too, if I +do not produce a hundred instances in all their almanacks to +convince any reasonable man that they do not so much as understand +common grammar and syntax; that they are not able to spell any word +out of the usual road, nor even in their prefaces write common +sense or intelligible English. Then for their observations and +predictions, they are such as will equally suit any age or country +in the world. "This month a certain great person. will be +threatened with death or sickness." This the newspapers will tell +them; for there we find at the end of the year that no month passes +without the death of some person of note; and it would be hard if +it should be otherwise, when there are at least two thousand +persons of note in this kingdom, many of them old, and the +almanack-maker has the liberty of choosing the sickliest season of +the year where lie may fix his prediction. Again, "This month an +eminent clergyman will be preferred;" of which there may be some +hundreds, half of them with one foot in the grave. Then "such a +planet in such a house shows great machinations, plots, and +conspiracies, that may in time be brought to light:" after which, +if we hear of any discovery, the astrologer gets the honour; if +not, his prediction still stands good. And at last, "God preserve +King William from all his open and secret enemies, Amen." When if +the King should happen to have died, the astrologer plainly +foretold it; otherwise it passes but for the pious ejaculation of a +loyal subject; though it unluckily happened in some of their +almanacks that poor King William was prayed for many months after +he was dead, because it fell out that he died about the beginning +of the year. + +To mention no more of their impertinent predictions: what have we +to do with their advertisements about pills and drink for disease? +or their mutual quarrels in verse and prose of Whig and Tory, +wherewith the stars have little to do? + +Having long observed and lamented these, and a hundred other abuses +of this art, too tedious to repeat, I resolved to proceed in a new +way, which I doubt not will be to the general satisfaction of the +kingdom. I can this year produce but a specimen of what I design +for the future, having employed most part of my time in adjusting +and correcting the calculations I made some years past, because I +would offer nothing to the world of which I am not as fully +satisfied as that I am now alive. For these two last years I have +not failed in above one or two particulars, and those of no very +great moment. I exactly foretold the miscarriage at Toulon, with +all its particulars, and the loss of Admiral Shovel, though I was +mistaken as to the day, placing that accident about thirty-six +hours sooner than it happened; but upon reviewing my schemes, I +quickly found the cause of that error. I likewise foretold the +Battle of Almanza to the very day and hour, with the lose on both +sides, and the consequences thereof. All which I showed to some +friends many months before they happened - that is, I gave them +papers sealed up, to open at such a time, after which they were at +liberty to read them; and there they found my predictions true in +every article, except one or two very minute. + +As for the few following predictions I now offer the world, I +forbore to publish them till I had perused the several almanacks +for the year we are now entered on. I find them all in the usual +strain, and I beg the reader will compare their manner with mine. +And here I make bold to tell the world that I lay the whole credit +of my art upon the truth of these predictions; and I will be +content that Partridge, and the rest of his clan, may hoot me for a +cheat and impostor if I fail in any single particular of moment. I +believe any man who reads this paper will look upon me to be at +least a person of as much honesty and understanding as a common +maker of almanacks. I do not lurk in the dark; 1 am not wholly +unknown in the world; I have set my name at length, to be a mark of +infamy to mankind, if they shall find I deceive them. + +In one thing I must desire to be forgiven, that I talk more +sparingly of home affairs. As it will be imprudence to discover +secrets of State, so it would be dangerous to my person; but in +smaller matters, and that are not of public consequence, I shall be +very free; and the truth of my conjectures will as much appear from +those as the others. As for the most signal events abroad, in +France, Flanders, Italy, and Spain, I shall make no scruple to +predict them in plain terms. Some of them are of importance, and I +hope I shall seldom mistake the day they will happen; therefore I +think good to inform the reader that I all along make use of the +Old Style observed in England, which I desire he will compare with +that of the newspapers at the time they relate the actions I +mention. + +I must add one word more. I know it hath been the opinion of +several of the learned, who think well enough of the true art of +astrology, that the stars do only incline, and not force the +actions or wills of men, and therefore, however I may proceed by +right rules, yet I cannot in prudence so confidently assure the +events will follow exactly as I predict them. + +I hope I have maturely considered this objection, which in some +cases is of no little weight. For example: a man may, by the +influence of an over-ruling planet, be disposed or inclined to +lust, rage, or avarice, and yet by the force of reason overcome +that bad influence; and this was the case of Socrates. But as the +great events of the world usually depend upon numbers of men, it +cannot be expected they should all unite to cross their +inclinations from pursuing a general design wherein they +unanimously agree. Besides, the influence of the stars reaches to +many actions and events which are not any way in the power of +reason, as sickness, death, and what we commonly call accidents, +with many more, needless to repeat. + +But now it is time to proceed to my predictions, which I have begun +to calculate from the time that the sun enters into Aries. And +this I take to be properly the beginning of the natural year. I +pursue them to the time that he enters Libra, or somewhat more, +which is the busy period of the year. The remainder I have not yet +adjusted, upon account of several impediments needless here to +mention. Besides, I must remind the reader again that this is but +a specimen of what I design in succeeding years to treat more at +large, if I may have liberty and encouragement. + +My first prediction is but a trifle, yet I will mention it, to show +how ignorant those sottish pretenders to astrology are in their own +concerns. It relates to Partridge, the almanack-maker. I have +consulted the stars of his nativity by my own rules, and find he +will infallibly die upon the 29th of March next, about eleven at +night, of a raging fever; therefore I advise him to consider of it, +and settle his affairs in time. + +The month of APRIL will be observable for the death of many great +persons. On the 4th will die the Cardinal de Noailles, Archbishop +of Paris; on the 11th, the young Prince of Asturias, son to the +Duke of Anjou; on the 14th, a great peer of this realm will die at +his country house; on the 19th, an old layman of great fame for +learning, and on the 23rd, an eminent goldsmith in Lombard Street. +I could mention others, both at home and abroad, if I did not +consider it is of very little use or instruction to the reader, or +to the world. + +As to public affairs: On the 7th of this month there will be an +insurrection in Dauphiny, occasioned by the oppressions of the +people, which will not be quieted in some months. + +On the 15th will be a violent storm on the south-east coast of +France, which will destroy many of their ships, and some in the +very harbour. + +The 11th will be famous for the revolt of a whole province or +kingdom, excepting one city, by which the affairs of a certain +prince in the Alliance will take a better face. + +MAY, against common conjectures, will be no very busy month in +Europe, but very signal for the death of the Dauphin, which will +happen on the 7th, after a short fit of sickness, and grievous +torments with the strangury. He dies less lamented by the Court +than the kingdom. + +On the 9th a Marshal of France will break his leg by a fall from +his horse. I have not been able to discover whether he will then +die or not. + +On the 11th will begin a most important siege, which the eyes of +all Europe will be upon: I cannot be more particular, for in +relating affairs that so nearly concern the Confederates, and +consequently this kingdom, I am forced to confine myself for +several reasons very obvious to the reader. + +On the 15th news will arrive of a very surprising event, than which +nothing could be more unexpected. + +On the 19th three noble ladies of this kingdom will, against all +expectation, prove with child, to the great joy of their husbands. + +On the 23rd a famous buffoon of the playhouse will die a ridiculous +death, suitable to his vocation. + +JUNE. This month will be distinguished at home by the utter +dispersing of those ridiculous deluded enthusiasts commonly called +the Prophets, occasioned chiefly by seeing the time come that many +of their prophecies should be fulfilled, and then finding +themselves deceived by contrary events. It is indeed to be admired +how any deceiver can be so weak to foretell things near at hand, +when a very few months must of necessity discover the impostor to +all the world; in this point less prudent than common almanack- +makers, who are so wise to wonder in generals, and talk dubiously, +and leave to the reader the business of interpreting. + +On the 1st of this month a French general will be killed by a +random shot of a cannon-ball. + +On the 6th a fire will break out in the suburbs of Paris, which +will destroy above a thousand houses, and seems to be the +foreboding of what will happen, to the surprise of all Europe, +about the end of the following month. + +On the 10th a great battle will be fought, which will begin at four +of the clock in the afternoon, and last till nine at night with +great obstinacy, but no very decisive event. I shall not name the +place, for the reasons aforesaid, but the commanders on each left +wing will be killed. I see bonfires and hear the noise of guns for +a victory. + +On the 14th there will be a false report of the French king's +death. + +On the 20th Cardinal Portocarero will die of a dysentery, with +great suspicion of poison, but the report of his intention to +revolt to King Charles will prove false. + +JULY. The 6th of this month a certain general will, by a glorious +action, recover the reputation he lost by former misfortunes. + +On the 12th a great commander will die a prisoner in the hands of +his enemies. + +On the 14th a shameful discovery will be made of a French Jesuit +giving poison to a great foreign general; and when he is put to the +torture, will make wonderful discoveries. + +In short, this will prove a month of great action, if I might have +liberty to relate the particulars. + +At home, the death of an old famous senator will happen on the 15th +at his country house, worn with age and diseases. + +But that which will make this month memorable to all posterity is +the death of the French king, Louis the Fourteenth, after a week's +sickness at Marli, which will happen on the 29th, about six o'clock +in the evening. It seems to be an effect of the gout in his +stomach, followed by a flux. And in three days after Monsieur +Chamillard will follow his master, dying suddenly of an apoplexy. + +In this month likewise an ambassador will die in London, but I +cannot assign the day. + +AUGUST. The affairs of France will seem to suffer no change for a +while under the Duke of Burgundy's administration; but the genius +that animated the whole machine being gone, will be the cause of +mighty turns and revolutions in the following year. The new king +makes yet little change either in the army or the Ministry, but the +libels against his grandfather, that fly about his very Court, give +him uneasiness. + +I see an express in mighty haste, with joy and wonder in his looks, +arriving by break of day on the 26th of this month, having +travelled in three days a prodigious journey by land and sea. In +the evening I hear bells and guns, and see the blazing of a +thousand bonfires. + +A young admiral of noble birth does likewise this month gain +immortal honour by a great achievement. + +The affairs of Poland are this month entirely settled; Augustus +resigns his pretensions which he had again taken up for some time: +Stanislaus is peaceably possessed of the throne, and the King of +Sweden declares for the emperor. + +I cannot omit one particular accident here at home: that near the +end of this month much mischief will be done at Bartholomew Fair by +the fall of a booth. + +SEPTEMBER. This month begins with a very surprising fit of frosty +weather, which will last near twelve days. + +The Pope, having long languished last month, the swellings in his +legs breaking, and the flesh mortifying, will die on the 11th +instant; and in three weeks' time, after a mighty contest, be +succeeded by a cardinal of the Imperial faction, but native of +Tuscany, who is now about sixty-one years old. + +The French army acts now wholly on the defensive, strongly +fortified in their trenches, and the young French king sends +overtures for a treaty of peace by the Duke of Mantua; which, +because it is a matter of State that concerns us here at home, I +shall speak no farther of it. + +I shall add but one prediction more, and that in mystical terms, +which shall be included in a verse out of Virgil - + + +ALTER ERIT JAM TETHYS, ET ALTERA QUAE VEHAT ARGO +DELECTOS HEROAS. + + +Upon the 25th day of this month, the fulfilling of this prediction +will be manifest to everybody. + +This is the farthest I have proceeded in my calculations for the +present year. I do not pretend that these are all the great events +which will happen in this period, but that those I have set down +will infallibly come to pass. It will perhaps still be objected +why I have not spoken more particularly of affairs at home, or of +the success of our armies abroad, which I might, and could very +largely have done; but those in power have wisely discouraged men +from meddling in public concerns, and I was resolved by no means to +give the least offence. This I will venture to say, that it will +be a glorious campaign for the Allies, wherein the English forces, +both by sea and land, will have their full share of honour; that +Her Majesty Queen Anne will continue in health and prosperity; and +that no ill accident will arrive to any in the chief Ministry. + +As to the particular events I have mentioned, the readers may judge +by the fulfilling of them, whether I am on the level with common +astrologers, who, with an old paltry cant, and a few pothooks for +planets, to amuse the vulgar, have, in my opinion, too long been +suffered to abuse the world. But an honest physician ought not to +be despised because there are such things as mountebanks. I hope I +have some share of reputation, which I would not willingly forfeit +for a frolic or humour; and I believe no gentleman who reads this +paper will look upon it to be of the same cast or mould with the +common scribblers that are every day hawked about. My fortune has +placed me above the little regard of scribbling for a few pence, +which I neither value nor want; therefore, let no wise man too +hastily condemn this essay, intended for a good design, to +cultivate and improve an ancient art long in disgrace, by having +fallen into mean and unskilful hands. A little time will determine +whether I have deceived others or myself; and I think it is no very +unreasonable request that men would please to suspend their +judgments till then. I was once of the opinion with those who +despise all predictions from the stars, till in the year 1686 a man +of quality showed me, written in his album, that the most learned +astronomer, Captain H-, assured him, he would never believe +anything of the stars' influence if there were not a great +revolution in England in the year 1688. Since that time I began to +have other thoughts, and after eighteen years' diligent study and +application, I think I have no reason to repent of my pains. I +shall detain the reader no longer than to let him know that the +account I design to give of next year's events shall take in the +principal affairs that happen in Europe; and if I be denied the +liberty of offering it to my own country, I shall appeal to the +learned world, by publishing it in Latin, and giving order to have +it printed in Holland. + + + +CHAPTER IV - THE ACCOMPLISHMENT OF THE FIRST OF MR. BICKERSTAFF'S +PREDICTIONS; + +BEING AN ACCOUNT OF THE DEATH OF MR. PARTRIDGE +THE ALMANACK-MAKER, UPON THE 29TH INSTANT. +IN A LETTER TO A PERSON OF HONOUR; WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1708. + + + +MY LORD, - In obedience to your lordship's commands, as well as to +satisfy my own curiosity, I have for some days past inquired +constantly after Partridge the almanack-maker, of whom it was +foretold in Mr. Bickerstaff's predictions, published about a month +ago, that he should die the 29th instant, about eleven at night, of +a raging fever. I had some sort of knowledge of him when I was +employed in the Revenue, because he used every year to present me +with his almanack, as he did other gentlemen, upon the score of +some little gratuity we gave him. I saw him accidentally once or +twice about ten days before he died, and observed he began very +much to droop and languish, though I hear his friends did not seem +to apprehend him in any danger. About two or three days ago he +grew ill, was confined first to his chamber, and in a few hours +after to his bed, where Dr. Case and Mrs. Kirleus were sent for, to +visit and to prescribe to him. Upon this intelligence I sent +thrice every day one servant or other to inquire after his health; +and yesterday, about four in the afternoon, word was brought me +that he was past hopes; upon which, I prevailed with myself to go +and see him, partly out of commiseration, and I confess, partly out +of curiosity. He knew me very well, seemed surprised at my +condescension, and made me compliments upon it as well as he could +in the condition he was. The people about him said he had been for +some time delirious; but when I saw him, he had his understanding +as well as ever I knew, and spoke strong and hearty, without any +seeming uneasiness or constraint. After I had told him how sorry I +was to see him in those melancholy circumstances, and said some +other civilities suitable to the occasion, I desired him to tell me +freely and ingenuously, whether the predictions Mr. Bickerstaff had +published relating to his death had not too much affected and +worked on his imagination. He confessed he had often had it in his +head, but never with much apprehension, till about a fortnight +before; since which time it had the perpetual possession of his +mind and thoughts, and he did verily believe was the true natural +cause of his present distemper: "For," said he, "I am thoroughly +persuaded, and I think I have very good reasons, that Mr. +Bickerstaff spoke altogether by guess, and knew no more what will +happen this year than I did myself." I told him his discourse +surprised me, and I would be glad he were in a state of health to +be able to tell me what reason he had to be convinced of Mr. +Bickerstaff's ignorance. He replied, "I am a poor, ignorant +follow, bred to a mean trade, yet I have sense enough to know that +all pretences of foretelling by astrology are deceits, for this +manifest reason, because the wise and the learned, who can only +know whether there be any truth in this science, do all unanimously +agree to laugh at and despise it; and none but the poor ignorant +vulgar give it any credit, and that only upon the word of such +silly wretches as I and my fellows, who can hardly write or read." +I then asked him why he had not calculated his own nativity, to see +whether it agreed with Bickerstaff's prediction, at which he shook +his head and said, "Oh, sir, this is no time for jesting, but for +repenting those fooleries, as I do now from the very bottom of my +heart." "By what I can gather from you," said I, "the observations +and predictions you printed with your almanacks were mere +impositions on the people." He replied, "If it were otherwise I +should have the less to answer for. We have a common form for all +those things; as to foretelling the weather, we never meddle with +that, but leave it to the printer, who takes it out of any old +almanack as he thinks fit; the rest was my own invention, to make +my almanack sell, having a wife to maintain, and no other way to +get my bread; for mending old shoes is a poor livelihood; and," +added he, sighing, "I wish I may not have done more mischief by my +physic than my astrology; though I had some good receipts from my +grandmother, and my own compositions were such as I thought could +at least do no hurt." + +I had some other discourse with him, which now I cannot call to +mind; and I fear I have already tired your lordship. I shall only +add one circumstance, that on his death-bed he declared himself a +Nonconformist, and had a fanatic preacher to be his spiritual +guide. After half an hour's conversation I took my leave, being +half stifled by the closeness of the room. I imagined he could not +hold out long, and therefore withdrew to a little coffee-house hard +by, leaving a servant at the house with orders to come immediately +and tell me, as nearly as he could, the minute when Partridge +should expire, which was not above two hours after, when, looking +upon my watch, I found it to be above five minutes after seven; by +which it is clear that Mr. Bickerstaff was mistaken almost four +hours in his calculation. In the other circumstances he was exact +enough. But, whether he has not been the cause of this poor man's +death, as well as the predictor, may be very reasonably disputed. +However, it must be confessed the matter is odd enough, whether we +should endeavour to account for it by chance, or the effect of +imagination. For my own part, though I believe no man has less +faith in these matters, yet I shall wait with some impatience, and +not without some expectation, the fulfilling of Mr. Bickerstaff's +second prediction, that the Cardinal do Noailles is to die upon the +4th of April, and if that should be verified as exactly as this of +poor Partridge, I must own I should be wholly surprised, and at a +loss, and should infallibly expect the accomplishment of all the +rest. + + + +CHAPTER V - BAUCIS AND PHILEMON. +IMITATED FROM THE EIGHTH BOOK OF OVID. + + + +IN ancient times, as story tells, +The saints would often leave their cells, +And stroll about, but hide their quality, +To try good people's hospitality. +It happened on a winter night, +As authors of the legend write, +Two brother hermits, saints by trade, +Taking their tour in masquerade, +Disguised in tattered habits, went +To a small village down in Kent; +Where, in the strollers' canting strain, +They begged from door to door in vain; +Tried every tone might pity win, +But not a soul would let them in. +Our wandering saints in woeful state, +Treated at this ungodly rate, +Having through all the village passed, +To a small cottage came at last, +Where dwelt a good honest old yeoman, +Called, in the neighbourhood, Philemon, +Who kindly did these saints invite +In his poor hut to pass the night; +And then the hospitable Sire +Bid goody Baucis mend the fire; +While he from out the chimney took +A flitch of bacon off the hook, +And freely from the fattest side +Cut out large slices to be fried; +Then stepped aside to fetch 'em drink, +Filled a large jug up to the brink, +And saw it fairly twice go round; +Yet (what is wonderful) they found +'Twas still replenished to the top, +As if they ne'er had touched a drop +The good old couple were amazed, +And often on each other gazed; +For both were frightened to the heart, +And just began to cry, - What art! +Then softly turned aside to view, +Whether the lights were burning blue. +The gentle pilgrims soon aware on't, +Told 'em their calling, and their errant; +"Good folks, you need not be afraid, +We are but saints," the hermits said; +"No hurt shall come to you or yours; +But, for that pack of churlish boors, +Not fit to live on Christian ground, +They and their houses shall be drowned; +Whilst you shall see your cottage rise, +And grow a church before your eyes." +They scarce had spoke; when fair and soft, +The roof began to mount aloft; +Aloft rose every beam and rafter, +The heavy wall climbed slowly after. +The chimney widened, and grew higher, +Became a steeple with a spire. +The kettle to the top was hoist, +And there stood fastened to a joist; +But with the upside down, to show +Its inclination for below. +In vain; for a superior force +Applied at bottom, stops its coarse, +Doomed ever in suspense to dwell, +'Tis now no kettle, but a bell. +A wooden jack, which had almost +Lost, by disuse, the art to roast, +A sudden alteration feels, +Increased by new intestine wheels; +And what exalts the wonder more, +The number made the motion slower. +The flyer, though 't had leaden feet, +Turned round so quick, you scarce could see 't; +But slackened by some secret power, +Now hardly moves an inch an hour. +The jack and chimney near allied, +Had never left each other's side; +The chimney to a steeple grown, +The jack would not be left alone; +But up against the steeple reared, +Became a clock, and still adhered; +And still its love to household cares +By a shrill voice at noon declares, +Warning the cook-maid not to burn +That roast meat which it cannot turn. +The groaning chair began to crawl, +Like a huge snail along the wall; +There stuck aloft in public view; +And with small change a pulpit grew. +The porringers, that in a row +Hung high, and made a glittering show, +To a less noble substance changed, +Were now but leathern buckets ranged. +The ballads pasted on the wall, +Of Joan of France, and English Moll, +Fair Rosamond, and Robin Hood, +The Little Children in the Wood, +Now seemed to look abundance better, +Improved in picture, size, and letter; +And high in order placed, describe +The heraldry of every tribe. +A bedstead of the antique mode, +Compact of timber, many a load, +Such as our ancestors did use, +Was metamorphosed into pews: +Which still their ancient nature keep, +By lodging folks disposed to sleep. +The cottage, by such feats as these, +Grown to a church by just degrees, +The hermits then desired their host +To ask for what he fancied most. +Philemon having paused a while, +Returned 'em thanks in homely style; +Then said, "My house is grown so fine, +Methinks I still would call it mine: +I'm old, and fain would live at ease, +Make me the Parson, if you please." +He spoke, and presently he feels +His grazier's coat fall down his heels; +He sees, yet hardly can believe, +About each arm a pudding sleeve; +His waistcoat to a cassock grew, +And both assumed a sable hue; +But being old, continued just +As thread-bare, and as full of dust. +His talk was now of tithes and dues; +He smoked his pipe and read the news; +Knew how to preach old sermons next, +Vamped in the preface and the text; +At christenings well could act his part, +And had the service all by heart; +Wished women might have children fast, +And thought whose sow had farrowed last +Against Dissenters would repine, +And stood up firm for Right divine. +Found his head filled with many a system, +But classic authors, - he ne'er missed 'em. +Thus having furbished up a parson, +Dame Baucis next they played their farce on. +Instead of home-spun coifs were seen +Good pinners edg'd with colberteen; +Her petticoat transformed apace, +Became black satin flounced with lace. +Plain Goody would no longer down, +'Twas Madam, in her grogram gown. +Philemon was in great surprise, +And hardly could believe his eyes, +Amazed to see her look so prim; +And she admired as much at him. +Thus, happy in their change of life, +Were several years this man and wife; +When on a day, which proved their last, +Discoursing o'er old stories past, +They went by chance amidst their talk, +To the church yard to take a walk; +When Baucis hastily cried out, +"My dear, I see your forehead sprout!" +"Sprout," quoth the man, "what's this you tell us? +I hope you don't believe me jealous, +But yet, methinks, I feel it true; +And really, yours is budding too - +Nay, - now I cannot stir my foot; +It feels as if 'twere taking root." +Description would but tire my Muse; +In short, they both were turned to Yews. +Old Goodman Dobson of the green +Remembers he the trees has seen; +He'll talk of them from noon till night, +And goes with folks to show the sight; +On Sundays, after evening prayer, +He gathers all the parish there, +Points out the place of either Yew: +Here Baucis, there Philemon grew, +Till once a parson of our town, +To mend his barn, cut Baucis down; +At which, 'tis hard to be believed +How much the other tree was grieved, +Grow scrubby, died a-top, was stunted: +So the next parson stubbed and burnt it. + + + +CHAPTER VI - THE LOGICIANS REFUTED. + + + +LOGICIANS have but ill defined +As rational, the human kind; +Reason, they say, belongs to man, +But let them prove it, if they can. +Wise Aristotle and Smiglesius, +By ratiocinations specious, +Have strove to prove with great precision, +With definition and division, +HOMO EST RATIONE PRAEDITUM; +But, for my soul, I cannot credit 'em. +And must, in spite of them, maintain +That man and all his ways are vain; +And that this boasted lord of nature +Is both a weak and erring creature. +That instinct is a surer guide +Than reason-boasting mortals pride; +And, that brute beasts are far before 'em, +DEUS EST ANIMA BRUTORUM. +Whoever knew an honest brute, +At law his neighbour prosecute, +Bring action for assault and battery, +Or friend beguile with lies and flattery? +O'er plains they ramble unconfined, +No politics disturb their mind; +They eat their meals, and take their sport, +Nor know who's in or out at court. +They never to the levee go +To treat as dearest friend a foe; +They never importune his grace, +Nor ever cringe to men in place; +Nor undertake a dirty job, +Nor draw the quill to write for Bob. +Fraught with invective they ne'er go +To folks at Paternoster Row: +No judges, fiddlers, dancing-masters, +No pickpockets, or poetasters +Are known to honest quadrupeds: +No single brute his fellows leads. +Brutes never meet in bloody fray, +Nor cut each others' throats for pay. +Of beasts, it is confessed, the ape +Comes nearest us in human shape; +Like man, he imitates each fashion, +And malice is his ruling passion: +But, both in malice and grimaces, +A courtier any ape surpasses. +Behold him humbly cringing wait +Upon the minister of state; +View him, soon after, to inferiors +Aping the conduct of superiors: +He promises, with equal air, +And to perform takes equal care. +He, in his turn, finds imitators, +At court the porters, lacqueys, waiters +Their masters' manners still contract, +And footmen, lords, and dukes can act. +Thus, at the court, both great and small +Behave alike, for all ape all. + + + +CHAPTER VII - THE PUPPET SHOW. + + + +THE life of man to represent, +And turn it all to ridicule, +Wit did a puppet-show invent, +Where the chief actor is a fool. + +The gods of old were logs of wood, +And worship was to puppets paid; +In antic dress the idol stood, +And priests and people bowed the head. + +No wonder then, if art began +The simple votaries to frame, +To shape in timber foolish man, +And consecrate the block to fame. + +From hence poetic fancy learned +That trees might rise from human forms +The body to a trunk be turned, +And branches issue from the arms. + +Thus Daedalus and Ovid too, +That man's a blockhead have confessed, +Powel and Stretch the hint pursue; +Life is the farce, the world a jest. + +The same great truth South Sea hath proved +On that famed theatre, the ally, +Where thousands by directors moved +Are now sad monuments of folly. + +What Momus was of old to Jove +The same harlequin is now; +The former was buffoon above, +The latter is a Punch below. + +This fleeting scene is but a stage, +Where various images appear, +In different parts of youth and age +Alike the prince and peasant share. + +Some draw our eyes by being great, +False pomp conceals mere wood within, +And legislators rang'd in state +Are oft but wisdom in machine. + +A stock may chance to wear a crown, +And timber as a lord take place, +A statue may put on a frown, +And cheat us with a thinking face. + +Others are blindly led away, +And made to act for ends unknown, +By the mere spring of wires they play, +And speak in language not their own. + +Too oft, alas! a scolding wife +Usurps a jolly fellow's throne, +And many drink the cup of life +Mix'd and embittered by a Joan. + +In short, whatever men pursue +Of pleasure, folly, war, or love, +This mimic-race brings all to view, +Alike they dress, they talk, they move. + +Go on, great Stretch, with artful hand, +Mortals to please and to deride, +And when death breaks thy vital band +Thou shalt put on a puppet's pride. + +Thou shalt in puny wood be shown, +Thy image shall preserve thy fame, +Ages to come thy worth shall own, +Point at thy limbs, and tell thy name. + +Tell Tom he draws a farce in vain, +Before he looks in nature's glass; +Puns cannot form a witty scene, +Nor pedantry for humour pass. + +To make men act as senseless wood, +And chatter in a mystic strain, +Is a mere force on flesh and blood, +And shows some error in the brain. + +He that would thus refine on thee, +And turn thy stage into a school, +The jest of Punch will ever be, +And stand confessed the greater fool. + + + +CHAPTER VIII - CADENUS AND VANESSA. + +WRITTEN ANNO 1713. + + + +THE shepherds and the nymphs were seen +Pleading before the Cyprian Queen. +The counsel for the fair began +Accusing the false creature, man. +The brief with weighty crimes was charged, +On which the pleader much enlarged: +That Cupid now has lost his art, +Or blunts the point of every dart; +His altar now no longer smokes; +His mother's aid no youth invokes - +This tempts free-thinkers to refine, +And bring in doubt their powers divine, +Now love is dwindled to intrigue, +And marriage grown a money-league. +Which crimes aforesaid (with her leave) +Were (as he humbly did conceive) +Against our Sovereign Lady's peace, +Against the statutes in that case, +Against her dignity and crown: +Then prayed an answer and sat down. + +The nymphs with scorn beheld their foes: +When the defendant's counsel rose, +And, what no lawyer ever lacked, +With impudence owned all the fact. +But, what the gentlest heart would vex, +Laid all the fault on t'other sex. +That modern love is no such thing +As what those ancient poets sing; +A fire celestial, chaste, refined, +Conceived and kindled in the mind, +Which having found an equal flame, +Unites, and both become the same, +In different breasts together burn, +Together both to ashes turn. +But women now feel no such fire, +And only know the gross desire; +Their passions move in lower spheres, +Where'er caprice or folly steers. +A dog, a parrot, or an ape, +Or some worse brute in human shape +Engross the fancies of the fair, +The few soft moments they can spare +From visits to receive and pay, +From scandal, politics, and play, +From fans, and flounces, and brocades, +From equipage and park-parades, +From all the thousand female toys, +From every trifle that employs +The out or inside of their heads +Between their toilets and their beds. +In a dull stream, which, moving slow, +You hardly see the current flow, +If a small breeze obstructs the course, +It whirls about for want of force, +And in its narrow circle gathers +Nothing but chaff, and straws, and feathers: +The current of a female mind +Stops thus, and turns with every wind; +Thus whirling round, together draws +Fools, fops, and rakes, for chaff and straws. +Hence we conclude, no women's hearts +Are won by virtue, wit, and parts; +Nor are the men of sense to blame +For breasts incapable of flame: +The fault must on the nymphs be placed, +Grown so corrupted in their taste. +The pleader having spoke his best, +Had witness ready to attest, +Who fairly could on oath depose, +When questions on the fact arose, +That every article was true; +NOR FURTHER THOSE DEPONENTS KNEW: +Therefore he humbly would insist, +The bill might be with costs dismissed. +The cause appeared of so much weight, +That Venus from the judgment-seat +Desired them not to talk so loud, +Else she must interpose a cloud: +For if the heavenly folk should know +These pleadings in the Courts below, +That mortals here disdain to love, +She ne'er could show her face above. +For gods, their betters, are too wise +To value that which men despise. +"And then," said she, "my son and I +Must stroll in air 'twixt earth and sky: +Or else, shut out from heaven and earth, +Fly to the sea, my place of birth; +There live with daggled mermaids pent, +And keep on fish perpetual Lent." +But since the case appeared so nice, +She thought it best to take advice. +The Muses, by their king's permission, +Though foes to love, attend the session, +And on the right hand took their places +In order; on the left, the Graces: +To whom she might her doubts propose +On all emergencies that rose. +The Muses oft were seen to frown; +The Graces half ashamed look down; +And 'twas observed, there were but few +Of either sex, among the crew, +Whom she or her assessors knew. +The goddess soon began to see +Things were not ripe for a decree, +And said she must consult her books, +The lovers' Fletas, Bractons, Cokes. +First to a dapper clerk she beckoned, +To turn to Ovid, book the second; +She then referred them to a place +In Virgil (VIDE Dido's case); +As for Tibullus's reports, +They never passed for law in Courts: +For Cowley's brief, and pleas of Waller, +Still their authority is smaller. +There was on both sides much to say; +She'd hear the cause another day; +And so she did, and then a third, +She heard it - there she kept her word; +But with rejoinders and replies, +Long bills, and answers, stuffed with lies +Demur, imparlance, and essoign, +The parties ne'er could issue join: +For sixteen years the cause was spun, +And then stood where it first begun. +Now, gentle Clio, sing or say, +What Venus meant by this delay. +The goddess, much perplexed in mind, +To see her empire thus declined, +When first this grand debate arose +Above her wisdom to compose, +Conceived a project in her head, +To work her ends; which, if it sped, +Would show the merits of the cause +Far better than consulting laws. +In a glad hour Lucina's aid +Produced on earth a wondrous maid, +On whom the queen of love was bent +To try a new experiment. +She threw her law-books on the shelf, +And thus debated with herself:- +"Since men allege they ne'er can find +Those beauties in a female mind +Which raise a flame that will endure +For ever, uncorrupt and pure; +If 'tis with reason they complain, +This infant shall restore my reign. +I'll search where every virtue dwells, +From Courts inclusive down to cells. +What preachers talk, or sages write, +These I will gather and unite, +And represent them to mankind +Collected in that infant's mind." +This said, she plucks in heaven's high bowers +A sprig of Amaranthine flowers, +In nectar thrice infuses bays, +Three times refined in Titan's rays: +Then calls the Graces to her aid, +And sprinkles thrice the now-born maid. +From whence the tender skin assumes +A sweetness above all perfumes; +From whence a cleanliness remains, +Incapable of outward stains; +From whence that decency of mind, +So lovely in a female kind. +Where not one careless thought intrudes +Less modest than the speech of prudes; +Where never blush was called in aid, +The spurious virtue in a maid, +A virtue but at second-hand; +They blush because they understand. +The Graces next would act their part, +And show but little of their art; +Their work was half already done, +The child with native beauty shone, +The outward form no help required: +Each breathing on her thrice, inspired +That gentle, soft, engaging air +Which in old times adorned the fair, +And said, "Vanessa be the name +By which thou shalt be known to fame; +Vanessa, by the gods enrolled: +Her name on earth - shall not be told." +But still the work was not complete, +When Venus thought on a deceit: +Drawn by her doves, away she flies, +And finds out Pallas in the skies: +Dear Pallas, I have been this morn +To see a lovely infant born: +A boy in yonder isle below, +So like my own without his bow, +By beauty could your heart be won, +You'd swear it is Apollo's son; +But it shall ne'er be said, a child +So hopeful has by me been spoiled; +I have enough besides to spare, +And give him wholly to your care. +Wisdom's above suspecting wiles; +The queen of learning gravely smiles, +Down from Olympus comes with joy, +Mistakes Vanessa for a boy; +Then sows within her tender mind +Seeds long unknown to womankind; +For manly bosoms chiefly fit, +The seeds of knowledge, judgment, wit, +Her soul was suddenly endued +With justice, truth, and fortitude; +With honour, which no breath can stain, +Which malice must attack in vain: +With open heart and bounteous hand: +But Pallas here was at a stand; +She know in our degenerate days +Bare virtue could not live on praise, +That meat must be with money bought: +She therefore, upon second thought, +Infused yet as it were by stealth, +Some small regard for state and wealth: +Of which as she grew up there stayed +A tincture in the prudent maid: +She managed her estate with care, +Yet liked three footmen to her chair, +But lest he should neglect his studies +Like a young heir, the thrifty goddess +(For fear young master should be spoiled) +Would use him like a younger child; +And, after long computing, found +'Twould come to just five thousand pound. +The Queen of Love was pleased and proud +To we Vanessa thus endowed; +She doubted not but such a dame +Through every breast would dart a flame; +That every rich and lordly swain +With pride would drag about her chain; +That scholars would forsake their books +To study bright Vanessa's looks: +As she advanced that womankind +Would by her model form their mind, +And all their conduct would be tried +By her, as an unerring guide. +Offending daughters oft would hear +Vanessa's praise rung in their ear: +Miss Betty, when she does a fault, +Lets fall her knife, or spills the salt, +Will thus be by her mother chid, +"'Tis what Vanessa never did." +Thus by the nymphs and swains adored, +My power shall be again restored, +And happy lovers bless my reign - +So Venus hoped, but hoped in vain. +For when in time the martial maid +Found out the trick that Venus played, +She shakes her helm, she knits her brows, +And fired with indignation, vows +To-morrow, ere the setting sun, +She'd all undo that she had done. +But in the poets we may find +A wholesome law, time out of mind, +Had been confirmed by Fate's decree; +That gods, of whatso'er degree, +Resume not what themselves have given, +Or any brother-god in Heaven; +Which keeps the peace among the gods, +Or they must always be at odds. +And Pallas, if she broke the laws, +Must yield her foe the stronger cause; +A shame to one so much adored +For Wisdom, at Jove's council-board. +Besides, she feared the queen of love +Would meet with better friends above. +And though she must with grief reflect +To see a mortal virgin deck'd +With graces hitherto unknown +To female breasts, except her own, +Yet she would act as best became +A goddess of unspotted fame; +She knew, by augury divine, +Venus would fail in her design: +She studied well the point, and found +Her foe's conclusions were not sound, +From premises erroneous brought, +And therefore the deduction's nought, +And must have contrary effects +To what her treacherous foe expects. +In proper season Pallas meets +The queen of love, whom thus she greets +(For Gods, we are by Homer told, +Can in celestial language scold), +"Perfidious Goddess! but in vain +You formed this project in your brain, +A project for thy talents fit, +With much deceit, and little wit; +Thou hast, as thou shalt quickly see, +Deceived thyself instead of me; +For how can heavenly wisdom prove +An instrument to earthly love? +Know'st thou not yet that men commence +Thy votaries, for want of sense? +Nor shall Vanessa be the theme +To manage thy abortive scheme; +She'll prove the greatest of thy foes, +And yet I scorn to interpose, +But using neither skill nor force, +Leave all things to their natural course." +The goddess thus pronounced her doom, +When, lo, Vanessa in her bloom, +Advanced like Atalanta's star, +But rarely seen, and seen from far: +In a new world with caution stepped, +Watched all the company she kept, +Well knowing from the books she read +What dangerous paths young virgins tread; +Would seldom at the park appear, +Nor saw the play-house twice a year; +Yet not incurious, was inclined +To know the converse of mankind. +First issued from perfumers' shops +A crowd of fashionable fops; +They liked her how she liked the play? +Then told the tattle of the day, +A duel fought last night at two +About a lady - you know who; +Mentioned a new Italian, come +Either from Muscovy or Rome; +Gave hints of who and who's together; +Then fell to talking of the weather: +Last night was so extremely fine, +The ladies walked till after nine. +Then in soft voice, and speech absurd, +With nonsense every second word, +With fustian from exploded plays, +They celebrate her beauty's praise, +Run o'er their cant of stupid lies, +And tell the murders of her eyes. +With silent scorn Vanessa sat, +Scarce list'ning to their idle chat; +Further than sometimes by a frown, +When they grew pert, to pull them down. +At last she spitefully was bent +To try their wisdom's full extent; +And said, she valued nothing less +Than titles, figure, shape, and dress; +That merit should be chiefly placed +In judgment, knowledge, wit, and taste; +And these, she offered to dispute, +Alone distinguished man from brute: +That present times have no pretence +To virtue, in the noble sense +By Greeks and Romans understood, +To perish for our country's good. +She named the ancient heroes round, +Explained for what they were renowned; +Then spoke with censure, or applause, +Of foreign customs, rites, and laws; +Through nature and through art she ranged, +And gracefully her subject changed: +In vain; her hearers had no share +In all she spoke, except to stare. +Their judgment was upon the whole, + - That lady is the dullest soul - +Then tipped their forehead in a jeer, +As who should say - she wants it here; +She may be handsome, young, and rich, +But none will burn her for a witch. +A party next of glittering dames, +From round the purlieus of St. James, +Came early, out of pure goodwill, +To see the girl in deshabille. +Their clamour 'lighting from their chairs, +Grew louder, all the way up stairs; +At entrance loudest, where they found +The room with volumes littered round, +Vanessa held Montaigne, and read, +Whilst Mrs. Susan combed her head: +They called for tea and chocolate, +And fell into their usual chat, +Discoursing with important face, +On ribbons, fans, and gloves, and lace: +Showed patterns just from India brought, +And gravely asked her what she thought, +Whether the red or green were best, +And what they cost? Vanessa guessed, +As came into her fancy first, +Named half the rates, and liked the worst. +To scandal next - What awkward thing +Was that, last Sunday, in the ring? +I'm sorry Mopsa breaks so fast; +I said her face would never last, +Corinna with that youthful air, +Is thirty, and a bit to spare. +Her fondness for a certain earl +Began, when I was but a girl. +Phyllis, who but a month ago +Was married to the Tunbridge beau, +I saw coquetting t'other night +In public with that odious knight. +They rallied next Vanessa's dress; +That gown was made for old Queen Bess. +Dear madam, let me set your head; +Don't you intend to put on red? +A petticoat without a hoop! +Sure, you are not ashamed to stoop; +With handsome garters at your knees, +No matter what a fellow sees. +Filled with disdain, with rage inflamed, +Both of herself and sex ashamed, +The nymph stood silent out of spite, +Nor would vouchsafe to set them right. +Away the fair detractors went, +And gave, by turns, their censures vent. +She's not so handsome in my eyes: +For wit, I wonder where it lies. +She's fair and clean, and that's the most; +But why proclaim her for a toast? +A baby face, no life, no airs, +But what she learnt at country fairs. +Scarce knows what difference is between +Rich Flanders lace, and Colberteen. +I'll undertake my little Nancy, +In flounces has a better fancy. +With all her wit, I would not ask +Her judgment, how to buy a mask. +We begged her but to patch her face, +She never hit one proper place; +Which every girl at five years old +Can do as soon as she is told. +I own, that out-of-fashion stuff +Becomes the creature well enough. +The girl might pass, if we could get her +To know the world a little better. +(TO KNOW THE WORLD! a modern phrase +For visits, ombre, balls, and plays.) +Thus, to the world's perpetual shame, +The queen of beauty lost her aim, +Too late with grief she understood +Pallas had done more harm than good; +For great examples are but vain, +Where ignorance begets disdain. +Both sexes, armed with guilt and spite, +Against Vanessa's power unite; +To copy her few nymphs aspired; +Her virtues fewer swains admired; +So stars, beyond a certain height, +Give mortals neither heat nor light. +Yet some of either sex, endowed +With gifts superior to the crowd, +With virtue, knowledge, taste, and wit, +She condescended to admit; +With pleasing arts she could reduce +Men's talents to their proper use; +And with address each genius hold +To that wherein it most excelled; +Thus making others' wisdom known, +Could please them and improve her own. +A modest youth said something new, +She placed it in the strongest view. +All humble worth she strove to raise; +Would not be praised, yet loved to praise. +The learned met with free approach, +Although they came not in a coach. +Some clergy too she would allow, +Nor quarreled at their awkward bow. +But this was for Cadenus' sake; +A gownman of a different make. +Whom Pallas, once Vanessa's tutor, +Had fixed on for her coadjutor. +But Cupid, full of mischief, longs +To vindicate his mother's wrongs. +On Pallas all attempts are vain; +One way he knows to give her pain; +Vows on Vanessa's heart to take +Due vengeance, for her patron's sake. +Those early seeds by Venus sown, +In spite of Pallas, now were grown; +And Cupid hoped they would improve +By time, and ripen into love. +The boy made use of all his craft, +In vain discharging many a shaft, +Pointed at colonels, lords, and beaux; +Cadenus warded off the blows, +For placing still some book betwixt, +The darts were in the cover fixed, +Or often blunted and recoiled, +On Plutarch's morals struck, were spoiled. +The queen of wisdom could foresee, +But not prevent the Fates decree; +And human caution tries in vain +To break that adamantine chain. +Vanessa, though by Pallas taught, +By love invulnerable thought, +Searching in books for wisdom's aid, +Was, in the very search, betrayed. +Cupid, though all his darts were lost, +Yet still resolved to spare no cost; +He could not answer to his fame +The triumphs of that stubborn dame, +A nymph so hard to be subdued, +Who neither was coquette nor prude. +I find, says he, she wants a doctor, +Both to adore her, and instruct her: +I'll give her what she most admires, +Among those venerable sires. +Cadenus is a subject fit, +Grown old in politics and wit; +Caressed by Ministers of State, +Of half mankind the dread and hate. +Whate'er vexations love attend, +She need no rivals apprehend +Her sex, with universal voice, +Must laugh at her capricious choice. +Cadenus many things had writ, +Vanessa much esteemed his wit, +And called for his poetic works! +Meantime the boy in secret lurks. +And while the book was in her hand, +The urchin from his private stand +Took aim, and shot with all his strength +A dart of such prodigious length, +It pierced the feeble volume through, +And deep transfixed her bosom too. +Some lines, more moving than the rest, +Struck to the point that pierced her breast; +And, borne directly to the heart, +With pains unknown, increased her smart. +Vanessa, not in years a score, +Dreams of a gown of forty-four; +Imaginary charms can find, +In eyes with reading almost blind; +Cadenus now no more appears +Declined in health, advanced in years. +She fancies music in his tongue, +Nor farther looks, but thinks him young. +What mariner is not afraid +To venture in a ship decayed? +What planter will attempt to yoke +A sapling with a falling oak? +As years increase, she brighter shines, +Cadenus with each day declines, +And he must fall a prey to Time, +While she continues in her prime. +Cadenus, common forms apart, +In every scene had kept his heart; +Had sighed and languished, vowed and writ, +For pastime, or to show his wit; +But time, and books, and State affairs, +Had spoiled his fashionable airs, +He now could praise, esteem, approve, +But understood not what was love. +His conduct might have made him styled +A father, and the nymph his child. +That innocent delight he took +To see the virgin mind her book, +Was but the master's secret joy +In school to hear the finest boy. +Her knowledge with her fancy grew, +She hourly pressed for something new; +Ideas came into her mind +So fact, his lessons lagged behind; +She reasoned, without plodding long, +Nor ever gave her judgment wrong. +But now a sudden change was wrought, +She minds no longer what he taught. +Cadenus was amazed to find +Such marks of a distracted mind; +For though she seemed to listen more +To all he spoke, than e'er before. +He found her thoughts would absent range, +Yet guessed not whence could spring the change. +And first he modestly conjectures, +His pupil might be tired with lectures, +Which helped to mortify his pride, +Yet gave him not the heart to chide; +But in a mild dejected strain, +At last he ventured to complain: +Said, she should be no longer teased, +Might have her freedom when she pleased; +Was now convinced he acted wrong, +To hide her from the world so long, +And in dull studies to engage +One of her tender sex and age. +That every nymph with envy owned, +How she might shine in the GRANDE-MONDE, +And every shepherd was undone, +To see her cloistered like a nun. +This was a visionary scheme, +He waked, and found it but a dream; +A project far above his skill, +For Nature must be Nature still. +If she was bolder than became +A scholar to a courtly dame, +She might excuse a man of letters; +Thus tutors often treat their betters, +And since his talk offensive grew, +He came to take his last adieu. +Vanessa, filled with just disdain, +Would still her dignity maintain, +Instructed from her early years +To scorn the art of female tears. +Had he employed his time so long, +To teach her what was right or wrong, +Yet could such notions entertain, +That all his lectures were in vain? +She owned the wand'ring of her thoughts, +But he must answer for her faults. +She well remembered, to her cost, +That all his lessons were not lost. +Two maxims she could still produce, +And sad experience taught her use; +That virtue, pleased by being shown, +Knows nothing which it dare not own; +Can make us without fear disclose +Our inmost secrets to our foes; +That common forms were not designed +Directors to a noble mind. +Now, said the nymph, I'll let you see +My actions with your rules agree, +That I can vulgar forms despise, +And have no secrets to disguise. +I knew by what you said and writ, +How dangerous things were men of wit; +You cautioned me against their charms, +But never gave me equal arms; +Your lessons found the weakest part, +Aimed at the head, but reached the heart. +Cadenus felt within him rise +Shame, disappointment, guilt, surprise. +He know not how to reconcile +Such language, with her usual style: +And yet her words were so expressed, +He could not hope she spoke in jest. +His thoughts had wholly been confined +To form and cultivate her mind. +He hardly knew, till he was told, +Whether the nymph were young or old; +Had met her in a public place, +Without distinguishing her face, +Much less could his declining age +Vanessa's earliest thoughts engage. +And if her youth indifference met, +His person must contempt beget, +Or grant her passion be sincere, +How shall his innocence be clear? +Appearances were all so strong, +The world must think him in the wrong; +Would say he made a treach'rous use. +Of wit, to flatter and seduce; +The town would swear he had betrayed, +By magic spells, the harmless maid; +And every beau would have his jokes, +That scholars were like other folks; +That when Platonic flights were over, +The tutor turned a mortal lover. +So tender of the young and fair; +It showed a true paternal care - +Five thousand guineas in her purse; +The doctor might have fancied worst, - +Hardly at length he silence broke, +And faltered every word he spoke; +Interpreting her complaisance, +Just as a man sans consequence. +She rallied well, he always knew; +Her manner now was something new; +And what she spoke was in an air, +As serious as a tragic player. +But those who aim at ridicule, +Should fix upon some certain rule, +Which fairly hints they are in jest, +Else he must enter his protest; +For let a man be ne'er so wise, +He may be caught with sober lies; +A science which he never taught, +And, to be free, was dearly bought; +For, take it in its proper light, +'Tis just what coxcombs call a bite. +But not to dwell on things minute, +Vanessa finished the dispute, +Brought weighty arguments to prove, +That reason was her guide in love. +She thought he had himself described, +His doctrines when she fist imbibed; +What he had planted now was grown, +His virtues she might call her own; +As he approves, as he dislikes, +Love or contempt her fancy strikes. +Self-love in nature rooted fast, +Attends us first, and leaves us last: +Why she likes him, admire not at her, +She loves herself, and that's the matter. +How was her tutor wont to praise +The geniuses of ancient days! +(Those authors he so oft had named +For learning, wit, and wisdom famed). +Was struck with love, esteem, and awe, +For persons whom he never saw. +Suppose Cadenus flourished then, +He must adore such God-like men. +If one short volume could comprise +All that was witty, learned, and wise, +How would it be esteemed, and read, +Although the writer long were dead? +If such an author were alive, +How all would for his friendship strive; +And come in crowds to see his face? +And this she takes to be her case. +Cadenus answers every end, +The book, the author, and the friend, +The utmost her desires will reach, +Is but to learn what he can teach; +His converse is a system fit +Alone to fill up all her wit; +While ev'ry passion of her mind +In him is centred and confined. +Love can with speech inspire a mute, +And taught Vanessa to dispute. +This topic, never touched before, +Displayed her eloquence the more: +Her knowledge, with such pains acquired, +By this new passion grew inspired. +Through this she made all objects pass, +Which gave a tincture o'er the mass; +As rivers, though they bend and twine, +Still to the sea their course incline; +Or, as philosophers, who find +Some fav'rite system to their mind, +In every point to make it fit, +Will force all nature to submit. +Cadenus, who could ne'er suspect +His lessons would have such effect, +Or be so artfully applied, +Insensibly came on her side; +It was an unforeseen event, +Things took a turn he never meant. +Whoe'er excels in what we prize, +Appears a hero to our eyes; +Each girl, when pleased with what is taught, +Will have the teacher in her thought. +When miss delights in her spinnet, +A fiddler may a fortune get; +A blockhead, with melodious voice +In boarding-schools can have his choice; +And oft the dancing-master's art +Climbs from the toe to touch the heart. +In learning let a nymph delight, +The pedant gets a mistress by't. +Cadenus, to his grief and shame, +Could scarce oppose Vanessa's flame; +But though her arguments were strong, +At least could hardly with them wrong. +Howe'er it came, he could not tell, +But, sure, she never talked so well. +His pride began to interpose, +Preferred before a crowd of beaux, +So bright a nymph to come unsought, +Such wonder by his merit wrought; +'Tis merit must with her prevail, +He never know her judgment fail. +She noted all she ever read, +And had a most discerning head. +'Tis an old maxim in the schools, +That vanity's the food of fools; +Yet now and then your men of wit +Will condescend to take a bit. +So when Cadenus could not hide, +He chose to justify his pride; +Construing the passion she had shown, +Much to her praise, more to his own. +Nature in him had merit placed, +In her, a most judicious taste. +Love, hitherto a transient guest, +Ne'er held possession in his breast; +So long attending at the gate, +Disdain'd to enter in so late. +Love, why do we one passion call? +When 'tis a compound of them all; +Where hot and cold, where sharp and sweet, +In all their equipages meet; +Where pleasures mixed with pains appear, +Sorrow with joy, and hope with fear. +Wherein his dignity and age +Forbid Cadenus to engage. +But friendship in its greatest height, +A constant, rational delight, +On virtue's basis fixed to last, +When love's allurements long are past; +Which gently warms, but cannot burn; +He gladly offers in return; +His want of passion will redeem, +With gratitude, respect, esteem; +With that devotion we bestow, +When goddesses appear below. +While thus Cadenus entertains +Vanessa in exalted strains, +The nymph in sober words intreats +A truce with all sublime conceits. +For why such raptures, flights, and fancies, +To her who durst not read romances; +In lofty style to make replies, +Which he had taught her to despise? +But when her tutor will affect +Devotion, duty, and respect, +He fairly abdicates his throne, +The government is now her own; +He has a forfeiture incurred, +She vows to take him at his word, +And hopes he will not take it strange +If both should now their stations change +The nymph will have her turn, to be +The tutor; and the pupil he: +Though she already can discern +Her scholar is not apt to learn; +Or wants capacity to reach +The science she designs to teach; +Wherein his genius was below +The skill of every common beau; +Who, though he cannot spell, is wise +Enough to read a lady's eyes? +And will each accidental glance +Interpret for a kind advance. +But what success Vanessa met +Is to the world a secret yet; +Whether the nymph, to please her swain, +Talks in a high romantic strain; +Or whether he at last descends +To like with less seraphic ends; +Or to compound the bus'ness, whether +They temper love and books together; +Must never to mankind be told, +Nor shall the conscious muse unfold. +Meantime the mournful queen of love +Led but a weary life above. +She ventures now to leave the skies, +Grown by Vanessa's conduct wise. +For though by one perverse event +Pallas had crossed her first intent, +Though her design was not obtained, +Yet had she much experience gained; +And, by the project vainly tried, +Could better now the cause decide. +She gave due notice that both parties, +CORAM REGINA PROX' DIE MARTIS, +Should at their peril without fail +Come and appear, and save their bail. +All met, and silence thrice proclaimed, +One lawyer to each side was named. +The judge discovered in her face +Resentments for her late disgrace; +And, full of anger, shame, and grief, +Directed them to mind their brief; +Nor spend their time to show their reading, +She'd have a summary proceeding. +She gathered under every head, +The sum of what each lawyer said; +Gave her own reasons last; and then +Decreed the cause against the men. +But, in a weighty case like this, +To show she did not judge amiss, +Which evil tongues might else report, +She made a speech in open court; +Wherein she grievously complains, +"How she was cheated by the swains." +On whose petition (humbly showing +That women were not worth the wooing, +And that unless the sex would mend, +The race of lovers soon must end); +"She was at Lord knows what expense, +To form a nymph of wit and sense; +A model for her sex designed, +Who never could one lover find, +She saw her favour was misplaced; +The follows had a wretched taste; +She needs must tell them to their face, +They were a senseless, stupid race; +And were she to begin again, +She'd study to reform the men; +Or add some grains of folly more +To women than they had before. +To put them on an equal foot; +And this, or nothing else, would do't. +This might their mutual fancy strike, +Since every being loves its like. +But now, repenting what was done, +She left all business to her son; +She puts the world in his possession, +And let him use it at discretion." +The crier was ordered to dismiss +The court, so made his last O yes! +The goddess would no longer wait, +But rising from her chair of state, +Left all below at six and seven, +Harnessed her doves, and flew to Heaven. + + + +CHAPTER IX - STELLA'S BIRTHDAY, 1718. + + + +STELLA this day is thirty-four +(We shan't dispute a year or more) +However, Stella, be not troubled, +Although thy size and years are doubled +Since first I saw thee at sixteen, +The brightest virgin on the green. +So little is thy form declined; +Made up so largely in thy mind. +Oh, would it please the gods to split +Thy beauty, size, and years, and wit, +No age could furnish out a pair +Of nymphs so graceful, wise, and fair: +With half the lustre of your eyes, +With half your wit, your years, and size. +And then, before it grew too late, +How should I beg of gentle fate, +(That either nymph might lack her swain), +To split my worship too in twain. + + +STELLA'S BIRTHDAY, 1720. + + +ALL travellers at first incline +Where'er they see the fairest sign; +And if they find the chambers neat, +And like the liquor and the meat, +Will call again and recommend +The Angel Inn to every friend +What though the painting grows decayed, +The house will never lose its trade: +Nay, though the treach'rous tapster Thomas +Hangs a new angel two doors from us, +As fine as daubers' hands can make it, +In hopes that strangers may mistake it, +We think it both a shame and sin, +To quit the true old Angel Inn. +Now, this is Stella's case in fact, +An angel's face, a little cracked +(Could poets, or could painters fix +How angels look at, thirty-six): +This drew us in at first, to find +In such a form an angel's mind; +And every virtue now supplies +The fainting rays of Stella's eyes. +See, at her levee, crowding swains, +Whom Stella freely entertains, +With breeding, humour, wit, and sense; +And puts them but to small expense; +Their mind so plentifully fills, +And makes such reasonable bills, +So little gets for what she gives, +We really wonder how she lives! +And had her stock been less, no doubt, +She must have long ago run out. +Then who can think we'll quit the place, +When Doll hangs out a newer face; +Or stop and light at Cloe's Head, +With scraps and leavings to be fed. +Then Cloe, still go on to prate +Of thirty-six, and thirty-eight; +Pursue your trade of scandal picking, +Your hints that Stella is no chicken. +Your innuendoes when you tell us, +That Stella loves to talk with fellows; +And let me warn you to believe +A truth, for which your soul should grieve: +That should you live to see the day +When Stella's locks, must all be grey, +When age must print a furrowed trace +On every feature of her face; +Though you and all your senseless tribe, +Could art, or time, or nature bribe +To make you look like beauty's queen, +And hold for ever at fifteen; +No bloom of youth can ever blind +The cracks and wrinkles of your mind; +All men of sense will pass your door, +And crowd to Stella's at fourscore. + + +STELLA'S BIRTHDAY. + +A GREAT BOTTLE OF WINE, LONG BURIED, BEING THAT DAY DUG UP. 1722. + + +Resolved my annual verse to pay, +By duty bound, on Stella's day; +Furnished with paper, pens, and ink, +I gravely sat me down to think: +I bit my nails, and scratched my head, +But found my wit and fancy fled; +Or, if with more than usual pain, +A thought came slowly from my brain, +It cost me Lord knows how much time +To shape it into sense and rhyme; +And, what was yet a greater curse, +Long-thinking made my fancy worse +Forsaken by th' inspiring nine, +I waited at Apollo's shrine; +I told him what the world would sa +If Stella were unsung to-day; +How I should hide my head for shame, +When both the Jacks and Robin came; +How Ford would frown, how Jim would leer, +How Sh-r the rogue would sneer, +And swear it does not always follow, +That SEMEL'N ANNO RIDET Apollo. +I have assured them twenty times, +That Phoebus helped me in my rhymes, +Phoebus inspired me from above, +And he and I were hand and glove. +But finding me so dull and dry since, +They'll call it all poetic licence. +And when I brag of aid divine, +Think Eusden's right as good as mine. +Nor do I ask for Stella's sake; +'Tis my own credit lies at stake. +And Stella will be sung, while I +Can only be a stander by. +Apollo having thought a little, +Returned this answer to a tittle. +Tho' you should live like old Methusalem, +I furnish hints, and you should use all 'em, +You yearly sing as she grows old, +You'd leave her virtues half untold. +But to say truth, such dulness reigns +Through the whole set of Irish Deans; +I'm daily stunned with such a medley, +Dean W-, Dean D-l, and Dean S-; +That let what Dean soever come, +My orders are, I'm not at home; +And if your voice had not been loud, +You must have passed among the crowd. +But, now your danger to prevent, +You must apply to Mrs. Brent, +For she, as priestess, knows the rites +Wherein the God of Earth delights. +First, nine ways looking, let her stand +With an old poker in her hand; +Let her describe a circle round +In Saunder's cellar on the ground +A spade let prudent Archy hold, +And with discretion dig the mould; +Let Stella look with watchful eye, +Rebecea, Ford, and Grattons by. +Behold the bottle, where it lies +With neck elated tow'rds the skies! +The god of winds, and god of fire, +Did to its wondrous birth conspire; +And Bacchus for the poet's use +Poured in a strong inspiring juice: +See! as you raise it from its tomb, +It drags behind a spacious womb, +And in the spacious womb contains +A sovereign med'cine for the brains. +You'll find it soon, if fate consents; +If not, a thousand Mrs. Brents, +Ten thousand Archys arm'd with spades, +May dig in vain to Pluto's shades. +From thence a plenteous draught infuse, +And boldly then invoke the muse +(But first let Robert on his knees +With caution drain it from the lees); +The muse will at your call appear, +With Stella's praise to crown the year. + + +STELLA'S BIRTHDAY, 1724. + + +As when a beauteous nymph decays, +We say she's past her dancing days; +So poets lose their feet by time, +And can no longer dance in rhyme. +Your annual bard had rather chose +To celebrate your birth in prose; +Yet merry folks who want by chance +A pair to make a country dance, +Call the old housekeeper, and get her +To fill a place, for want of better; +While Sheridan is off the hooks, +And friend Delany at his books, +That Stella may avoid disgrace, +Once more the Dean supplies their place. +Beauty and wit, too sad a truth, +Have always been confined to youth; +The god of wit, and beauty's queen, +He twenty-one, and she fifteen; +No poet ever sweetly sung. +Unless he were like Phoebus, young; +Nor ever nymph inspired to rhyme, +Unless like Venus in her prime. +At fifty-six, if this be true, +Am I a poet fit for you; +Or at the age of forty-three, +Are you a subject fit for me? +Adieu bright wit, and radiant eyes; +You must be grave, and I be wise. +Our fate in vain we would oppose, +But I'll be still your friend in prose; +Esteem and friendship to express, +Will not require poetic dress; +And if the muse deny her aid +To have them sung, they may be said. +But, Stella say, what evil tongue +Reports you are no longer young? +That Time sits with his scythe to mow +Where erst sat Cupid with his bow; +That half your locks are turned to grey; +I'll ne'er believe a word they say. +'Tis true, but let it not be known, +My eyes are somewhat dimish grown; +For nature, always in the right, +To your decays adapts my sight, +And wrinkles undistinguished pass, +For I'm ashamed to use a glass; +And till I see them with these eyes, +Whoever says you have them, lies. +No length of time can make you quit +Honour and virtue, sense and wit, +Thus you may still be young to me, +While I can better hear than see: +Oh, ne'er may fortune show her spite, +To make me deaf, and mend my sight. + + +STELLA'S BIRTHDAY, MARCH 13, 1726. + + +THIS day, whate'er the Fates decree, +Shall still be kept with joy by me; +This day, then, let us not be told +That you are sick, and I grown old, +Nor think on our approaching ills, +And talk of spectacles and pills; +To-morrow will be time enough +To hear such mortifying stuff. +Yet, since from reason may be brought +A better and more pleasing thought, +Which can, in spite of all decays, +Support a few remaining days: +From not the gravest of divines +Accept for once some serious lines. +Although we now can form no more +Long schemes of life, as heretofore; +Yet you, while time is running fast, +Can look with joy on what is past. +Were future happiness and pain +A mere contrivance of the brain, +As Atheists argue, to entice, +And fit their proselytes for vice +(The only comfort they propose, +To have companions in their woes). +Grant this the case, yet sure 'tis hard +That virtue, styled its own reward, +And by all sages understood +To be the chief of human good, +Should acting, die, or leave behind +Some lasting pleasure in the mind. +Which by remembrance will assuage +Grief, sickness, poverty, and age; +And strongly shoot a radiant dart, +To shine through life's declining part. +Say, Stella, feel you no content, +Reflecting on a life well spent; +Your skilful hand employed to save +Despairing wretches from the grave; +And then supporting with your store, +Those whom you dragged from death before? +So Providence on mortals waits, +Preserving what it first creates, +You generous boldness to defend +An innocent and absent friend; +That courage which can make you just, +To merit humbled in the dust; +The detestation you express +For vice in all its glittering dress: +That patience under to torturing pain, +Where stubborn stoics would complain. +Must these like empty shadows pass, +Or forms reflected from a glass? +Or mere chimaeras in the mind, +That fly, and leave no marks behind? +Does not the body thrive and grow +By food of twenty years ago? +And, had it not been still supplied, +It must a thousand times have died. +Then, who with reason can maintain +That no effects of food remain? +And, is not virtue in mankind +The nutriment that feeds the mind? +Upheld by each good action past, +And still continued by the last: +Then, who with reason can pretend +That all effects of virtue end? +Believe me, Stella, when you show +That true contempt for things below, +Nor prize your life for other ends +Than merely to oblige your friends, +Your former actions claim their part, +And join to fortify your heart. + For virtue in her daily race, +Like Janus, bears a double face. +Look back with joy where she has gone, +And therefore goes with courage on. +She at your sickly couch will wait, +And guide you to a better state. +O then, whatever heav'n intends, +Take pity on your pitying friends; +Nor let your ills affect your mind, +To fancy they can be unkind; +Me, surely me, you ought to spare, +Who gladly would your sufferings share; +Or give my scrap of life to you, +And think it far beneath your due; +You to whose care so oft I owe +That I'm alive to tell you so. + + + +CHAPTER X - TO STELLA, + +VISITING ME IN MY SICKNESS, OCTOBER, 1727. + + + +PALLAS, observing Stella's wit +Was more than for her sex was fit; +And that her beauty, soon or late, +Might breed confusion in the state; +In high concern for human kind, +Fixed honour in her infant mind. +But (not in wranglings to engage +With such a stupid vicious age), +If honour I would here define, +It answers faith in things divine. +As natural life the body warms, +And, scholars teach, the soul informs; +So honour animates the whole, +And is the spirit of the soul. +Those numerous virtues which the tribe +Of tedious moralists describe, +And by such various titles call, +True honour comprehends them all. +Let melancholy rule supreme, +Choler preside, or blood, or phlegm. +It makes no difference in the case. +Nor is complexion honour's place. +But, lest we should for honour take +The drunken quarrels of a rake, +Or think it seated in a scar, +Or on a proud triumphal car, +Or in the payment of a debt, +We lose with sharpers at piquet; +Or, when a whore in her vocation, +Keeps punctual to an assignation; +Or that on which his lordship swears, +When vulgar knaves would lose their ears: +Let Stella's fair example preach +A lesson she alone can teach. +In points of honour to be tried, +All passions must be laid aside; +Ask no advice, but think alone, +Suppose the question not your own; +How shall I act? is not the case, +But how would Brutus in my place; +In such a cause would Cato bleed; +And how would Socrates proceed? +Drive all objections from your mind, +Else you relapse to human kind; +Ambition, avarice, and lust, +And factious rage, and breach of trust, +And flattery tipped with nauseous fleer, +And guilt and shame, and servile fear, +Envy, and cruelty, and pride, +Will in your tainted heart preside. +Heroes and heroines of old, +By honour only were enrolled +Among their brethren in the skies, +To which (though late) shall Stella rise. +Ten thousand oaths upon record +Are not so sacred as her word; +The world shall in its atoms end +Ere Stella can deceive a friend. +By honour seated in her breast, +She still determines what is best; +What indignation in her mind, +Against enslavers of mankind! +Base kings and ministers of state, +Eternal objects of her hate. +She thinks that Nature ne'er designed, +Courage to man alone confined; +Can cowardice her sex adorn, +Which most exposes ours to scorn; +She wonders where the charm appears +In Florimel's affected fears; +For Stella never learned the art +At proper times to scream and start; +Nor calls up all the house at night, +And swears she saw a thing in white. +Doll never flies to cut her lace, +Or throw cold water in her face, +Because she heard a sudden drum, +Or found an earwig in a plum. +Her hearers are amazed from whence +Proceeds that fund of wit and sense; +Which, though her modesty would shroud, +Breaks like the sun behind a cloud, +While gracefulness its art conceals, +And yet through every motion steals. +Say, Stella, was Prometheus blind, +And forming you, mistook your kind? +No; 'twas for you alone he stole +The fire that forms a manly soul; +Then, to complete it every way, +He moulded it with female clay, +To that you owe the nobler flame, +To this, the beauty of your frame. +How would ingratitude delight? +And how would censure glut her spite? +If I should Stella's kindness hide +In silence, or forget with pride, +When on my sickly couch I lay, +Impatient both of night and day, +Lamenting in unmanly strains, +Called every power to ease my pains, +Then Stella ran to my relief +With cheerful face and inward grief; +And though by Heaven's severe decree +She suffers hourly more than me, +No cruel master could require, +From slaves employed for daily hire, +What Stella by her friendship warmed, +With vigour and delight performed. +My sinking spirits now supplies +With cordials in her hands and eyes, +Now with a soft and silent tread, +Unheard she moves about my bed. +I see her taste each nauseous draught, +And so obligingly am caught: +I bless the hand from whence they came, +Nor dare distort my face for shame. +Best pattern of true friends beware, +You pay too dearly for your care; +If while your tenderness secures +My life, it must endanger yours. +For such a fool was never found, +Who pulled a palace to the ground, +Only to have the ruins made +Materials for a house decayed. + + + +CHAPTER XI - THE FIRST HE WROTE OCT. 17, 1727. + + + +MOST merciful Father, accept our humblest prayers in behalf of this +Thy languishing servant; forgive the sins, the frailties, and +infirmities of her life past. Accept the good deeds she hath done +in such a manner that, at whatever time Thou shalt please to call +her, she may be received into everlasting habitations. Give her +grace to continue sincerely thankful to Thee for the many favours +Thou hast bestowed upon her, the ability and inclination and +practice to do good, and those virtues which have procured the +esteem and love of her friends, and a most unspotted name in the +world. O God, Thou dispensest Thy blessings and Thy punishments, +as it becometh infinite justice and mercy; and since it was Thy +pleasure to afflict her with a long, constant, weakly state of +health, make her truly sensible that it was for very wise ends, and +was largely made up to her in other blessings, more valuable and +less common. Continue to her, O Lord, that firmness and constancy +of mind wherewith Thou hast most graciously endowed her, together +with that contempt of worldly things and vanities that she hath +shown in the whole conduct of her life. O All-powerful Being, the +least motion of whose Will can create or destroy a world, pity us, +the mournful friends of Thy distressed servant, who sink under the +weight of her present condition, and the fear of losing the most +valuable of our friends; restore her to us, O Lord, if it be Thy +gracious Will, or inspire us with constancy and resignation to +support ourselves under so heavy an affliction. Restore her, O +Lord, for the sake of those poor, who by losing her will be +desolate, and those sick, who will not only want her bounty, but +her care and tending; or else, in Thy mercy, raise up some other in +her place with equal disposition and better abilities. Lessen, O +Lord, we beseech thee, her bodily pains, or give her a double +strength of mind to support them. And if Thou wilt soon take her +to Thyself, turn our thoughts rather upon that felicity which we +hope she shall enjoy, than upon that unspeakable loss we shall +endure. Let her memory be ever dear unto us, and the example of +her many virtues, as far as human infirmity will admit, our +constant imitation. Accept, O Lord, these prayers poured from the +very bottom of our hearts, in Thy mercy, and for the merits of our +blessed Saviour. AMEN. + + + +CHAPTER XII - THE SECOND PRAYER WAS WRITTEN NOV. 6, 1727. + + + +O MERCIFUL Father, who never afflictest Thy children but for their +own good, and with justice, over which Thy mercy always prevaileth, +either to turn them to repentance, or to punish them in the present +life, in order to reward them in a better; take pity, we beseech +Thee, upon this Thy poor afflicted servant, languishing so long and +so grievously under the weight of Thy Hand. Give her strength, O +Lord, to support her weakness, and patience to endure her pains, +without repining at Thy correction. Forgive every rash and +inconsiderate expression which her anguish may at any time force +from her tongue, while her heart continueth in an entire submission +to Thy Will. Suppress in her, O Lord, all eager desires of life, +and lesson her fears of death, by inspiring into her an humble yet +assured hope of Thy mercy. Give her a sincere repentance for all +her transgressions and omissions, and a firm resolution to pass the +remainder of her life in endeavouring to her utmost to observe all +thy precepts. We beseech Thee likewise to compose her thoughts, +and preserve to her the use of her memory and reason during the +course of her sickness. Give her a true conception of the vanity, +folly, and insignificancy of all human things; and strengthen her +so as to beget in her a sincere love of Thee in the midst of her +sufferings. Accept and impute all her good deeds, and forgive her +all those offences against Thee, which she hath sincerely repented +of, or through the frailty of memory hath forgot. And now, O Lord, +we turn to Thee in behalf of ourselves, and the rest of her +sorrowful friends. Let not our grief afflict her mind, and thereby +have an ill effect on her present distemper. Forgive the sorrow +and weakness of those among us who sink under the grief and terror +of losing so dear and useful a friend. Accept and pardon our most +earnest prayers and wishes for her longer continuance in this evil +world, to do what Thou art pleased to call Thy service, and is only +her bounden duty; that she may be still a comfort to us, and to all +others, who will want the benefit of her conversation, her advice, +her good offices, or her charity. And since Thou hast promised +that where two or three are gathered together in Thy Name, Thou +wilt be in the midst of them to grant their request, O Gracious +Lord, grant to us who are here met in Thy Name, that those +requests, which in the utmost sincerity and earnestness of our +hearts we have now made in behalf of this Thy distressed servant, +and of ourselves, may effectually be answered; through the merits +of Jesus Christ our Lord. AMEN, + + + +CHAPTER XIII - THE BEASTS' CONFESSION (1732). + + + +WHEN beasts could speak (the learned say +They still can do so every day), +It seems, they had religion then, +As much as now we find in men. +It happened when a plague broke out +(Which therefore made them more devout) +The king of brutes (to make it plain, +Of quadrupeds I only mean), +By proclamation gave command, +That every subject in the land +Should to the priest confess their sins; +And thus the pious wolf begins: +Good father, I must own with shame, +That, often I have been to blame: +I must confess, on Friday last, +Wretch that I was, I broke my fast: +But I defy the basest tongue +To prove I did my neighbour wrong; +Or ever went to seek my food +By rapine, theft, or thirst of blood. + +The ass approaching next, confessed, +That in his heart he loved a jest: +A wag he was, he needs must own, +And could not let a dunce alone: +Sometimes his friend he would not spare, +And might perhaps be too severe: +But yet, the worst that could be said, +He was a wit both born and bred; +And, if it be a sin or shame, +Nature alone must bear the blame: +One fault he hath, is sorry for't, +His ears are half a foot too short; +Which could he to the standard bring, +He'd show his face before the king: +Then, for his voice, there's none disputes +That he's the nightingale of brutes. + +The swine with contrite heart allowed, +His shape and beauty made him proud: +In diet was perhaps too nice, +But gluttony was ne'er his vice: +In every turn of life content, +And meekly took what fortune sent: +Enquire through all the parish round, +A better neighbour ne'er was found: +His vigilance might seine displease; +'Tis true, he hated sloth like pease. + +The mimic ape began his chatter, +How evil tongues his life bespatter: +Much of the cens'ring world complained, +Who said his gravity was feigned: +Indeed, the strictness of his morals +Engaged him in a hundred quarrels: +He saw, and he was grieved to see't, +His zeal was sometimes indiscreet: +He found his virtues too severe +For our corrupted times to bear: +Yet, such a lewd licentious age +Might well excuse a stoic's rage. + +The goat advanced with decent pace: +And first excused his youthful face; +Forgiveness begged, that he appeared +('Twas nature's fault) without a beard. +'Tis true, he was not much inclined +To fondness for the female kind; +Not, as his enemies object, +From chance or natural defect; +Not by his frigid constitution, +But through a pious resolution; +For he had made a holy vow +Of chastity, as monks do now; +Which he resolved to keep for ever hence, +As strictly, too, as doth his reverence. + +Apply the tale, and you shall find +How just it suits with human kind. +Some faults we own: but, can you guess? +Why? - virtue's carried to excess; +Wherewith our vanity endows us, +Though neither foe nor friend allows us. + +The lawyer swears, you may rely on't, +He never squeezed a needy client: +And this he makes his constant rule, +For which his brethren call him fool; +His conscience always was so nice, +He freely gave the poor advice; +By which he lost, he may affirm, +A hundred fees last Easter term. +While others of the learned robe +Would break the patience of a Job; +No pleader at the bar could match +His diligence and quick despatch; +Ne'er kept a cause, he well may boast, +Above a term or two at most. + +The cringing knave, who seeks a place +Without success, thus tells his case: +Why should he longer mince the matter? +He failed because he could not flatter: +He had not learned to turn his coat, +Nor for a party give his vote. +His crime he quickly understood; +Too zealous for the nation's good: +He found the ministers resent it, +Yet could not for his heart repent it. + +The chaplain vows he cannot fawn, +Though it would raise him to the lawn: +He passed his hours among his books; +You find it in his meagre looks: +He might, if he were worldly-wise, +Preferment get, and spare his eyes: +But owned he had a stubborn spirit, +That made him trust alone in merit: +Would rise by merit to promotion; +Alas! a mere chimeric notion. + +The doctor, if you will believe him, +Confessed a sin, and God forgive him: +Called up at midnight, ran to save +A blind old beggar from the grave: +But, see how Satan spreads his snares; +He quite forgot to say his prayers. +He cannot help it, for his heart, +Sometimes to act the parson's part, +Quotes from the Bible many a sentence +That moves his patients to repentance: +And, when his medicines do no good, +Supports their minds with heavenly food. +At which, however well intended, +He hears the clergy are offended; +And grown so bold behind his back, +To call him hypocrite and quack. +In his own church he keeps a seat; +Says grace before and after meat; +And calls, without affecting airs, +His household twice a day to prayers. +He shuns apothecaries' shops; +And hates to cram the sick with slops: +He scorns to make his art a trade, +Nor bribes my lady's favourite maid. +Old nurse-keepers would never hire +To recommend him to the Squire; +Which others, whom he will not name, +Have often practised to their shame. + +The statesman tells you with a sneer, +His fault is to be too sincere; +And, having no sinister ends, +Is apt to disoblige his friends. +The nation's good, his Master's glory, +Without regard to Whig or Tory, +Were all the schemes he had in view; +Yet he was seconded by few: +Though some had spread a thousand lies, +'Twas he defeated the Excise. +'Twas known, though he had borne aspersion, +That standing troops were his aversion: +His practice was, in every station, +To serve the king, and please the nation. +Though hard to find in every case +The fittest man to fill a place: +His promises he ne'er forgot, +But took memorials on the spot: +His enemies, for want of charity, +Said he affected popularity: +'Tis true, the people understood, +That all he did was for their good; +Their kind affections he has tried; +No love is lost on either side. +He came to court with fortune clear, +Which now he runs out every year; +Must, at the rate that he goes on, +Inevitably be undone. +Oh! if his Majesty would please +To give him but a writ of ease, +Would grant him license to retire, +As it hath long been his desire, +By fair accounts it would be found, +He's poorer by ten thousand pound. +He owns, and hopes it is no sin, +He ne'er was partial to his kin; +He thought it base for men in stations +To crowd the court with their relations: +His country was his dearest mother, +And every virtuous man his brother: +Through modesty or awkward shame +(For which he owns himself to blame), +He found the wisest men he could, +Without respect to friends or blood; +Nor never acts on private views, +When he hath liberty to choose. + +The sharper swore he hated play, +Except to pass an hour away: +And well he might; for to his cost, +By want of skill, he always lost. +He heard there was a club of cheats, +Who had contrived a thousand feats; +Could change the stock, or cog a dye, +And thus deceive the sharpest eye: +No wonder how his fortune sunk, +His brothers fleece him when he's drunk. + +I own the moral not exact; +Besides, the tale is false in fact; +And so absurd, that, could I raise up +From fields Elysian, fabling AEsop; +I would accuse him to his face, +For libelling the four-foot race. +Creatures of every kind but ours +Well comprehend their natural powers; +While we, whom reason ought to sway, +Mistake our talents every day: +The ass was never known so stupid +To act the part of Tray or Cupid; +Nor leaps upon his master's lap, +There to be stroked, and fed with pap: +As AEsop would the world persuade; +He better understands his trade: +Nor comes whene'er his lady whistles, +But carries loads, and feeds on thistles; +Our author's meaning, I presume, is +A creature BIPES ET IMPLUMIS; +Wherein the moralist designed +A compliment on human-kind: +For, here he owns, that now and then +Beasts may degenerate into men. + + + +CHAPTER XIV - AN ARGUMENT TO PROVE THAT THE +ABOLISHING OF CHRISTIANITY IN ENGLAND +MAY, AS THINGS NOW STAND, BE ATTENDED WITH +SOME INCONVENIENCES, AND PERHAPS NOT PRODUCE +THOSE MANY GOOD EFFECTS PROPOSED THEREBY. + +WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 1708. + + + +I AM very sensible what a weakness and presumption it is to reason +against the general humour and disposition of the world. I +remember it was with great justice, and a due regard to the +freedom, both of the public and the press, forbidden upon several +penalties to write, or discourse, or lay wagers against the - even +before it was confirmed by Parliament; because that was looked upon +as a design to oppose the current of the people, which, besides the +folly of it, is a manifest breach of the fundamental law, that +makes this majority of opinions the voice of God. In like manner, +and for the very same reasons, it may perhaps be neither safe nor +prudent to argue against the abolishing of Christianity, at a +juncture when all parties seem so unanimously determined upon the +point, as we cannot but allow from their actions, their discourses, +and their writings. However, I know not how, whether from the +affectation of singularity, or the perverseness of human nature, +but so it unhappily falls out, that I cannot be entirely of this +opinion. Nay, though I were sure an order were issued for my +immediate prosecution by the Attorney-General, I should still +confess, that in the present posture of our affairs at home or +abroad, I do not yet see the absolute necessity of extirpating the +Christian religion from among us. + +This perhaps may appear too great a paradox even for our wise and +paxodoxical age to endure; therefore I shall handle it with all +tenderness, and with the utmost deference to that great and +profound majority which is of another sentiment. + +And yet the curious may please to observe, how much the genius of a +nation is liable to alter in half an age. I have heard it affirmed +for certain by some very odd people, that the contrary opinion was +even in their memories as much in vogue as the other is now; and +that a project for the abolishing of Christianity would then have +appeared as singular, and been thought as absurd, as it would be at +this time to write or discourse in its defence. + +Therefore I freely own, that all appearances are against me. The +system of the Gospel, after the fate of other systems, is generally +antiquated and exploded, and the mass or body of the common people, +among whom it seems to have had its latest credit, are now grown as +much ashamed of it as their betters; opinions, like fashions, +always descending from those of quality to the middle sort, and +thence to the vulgar, where at length they are dropped and vanish. + +But here I would not be mistaken, and must therefore be so bold as +to borrow a distinction from the writers on the other side, when +they make a difference betwixt nominal and real Trinitarians. I +hope no reader imagines me so weak to stand up in the defence of +real Christianity, such as used in primitive times (if we may +believe the authors of those ages) to have an influence upon men's +belief and actions. To offer at the restoring of that, would +indeed be a wild project: it would be to dig up foundations; to +destroy at one blow all the wit, and half the learning of the +kingdom; to break the entire frame and constitution of things; to +ruin trade, extinguish arts and sciences, with the professors of +them; in short, to turn our courts, exchanges, and shops into +deserts; and would be full as absurd as the proposal of Horace, +where he advises the Romans, all in a body, to leave their city, +and seek a new seat in some remote part of the world, by way of a +cure for the corruption of their manners. + +Therefore I think this caution was in itself altogether unnecessary +(which I have inserted only to prevent all possibility of +cavilling), since every candid reader will easily understand my +discourse to be intended only in defence of nominal Christianity, +the other having been for some time wholly laid aside by general +consent, as utterly inconsistent with all our present schemes of +wealth and power. + +But why we should therefore cut off the name and title of +Christians, although the general opinion and resolution be so +violent for it, I confess I cannot (with submission) apprehend the +consequence necessary. However, since the undertakers propose such +wonderful advantages to the nation by this project, and advance +many plausible objections against the system of Christianity, I +shall briefly consider the strength of both, fairly allow them +their greatest weight, and offer such answers as I think most +reasonable. After which I will beg leave to show what +inconveniences may possibly happen by such an innovation, in the +present posture of our affairs. + +First, one great advantage proposed by the abolishing of +Christianity is, that it would very much enlarge and establish +liberty of conscience, that great bulwark of our nation, and of the +Protestant religion, which is still too much limited by +priestcraft, notwithstanding all the good intentions of the +legislature, as we have lately found by a severe instance. For it +is confidently reported, that two young gentlemen of real hopes, +bright wit, and profound judgment, who, upon a thorough examination +of causes and effects, and by the mere force of natural abilities, +without the least tincture of learning, having made a discovery +that there was no God, and generously communicating their thoughts +for the good of the public, were some time ago, by an unparalleled +severity, and upon I know not what obsolete law, broke for +blasphemy. And as it has been wisely observed, if persecution once +begins, no man alive knows how far it may reach, or where it will +end. + +In answer to all which, with deference to wiser judgments, I think +this rather shows the necessity of a nominal religion among us. +Great wits love to be free with the highest objects; and if they +cannot be allowed a god to revile or renounce, they will speak evil +of dignities, abuse the government, and reflect upon the ministry, +which I am sure few will deny to be of much more pernicious +consequence, according to the saying of Tiberius, DEORUM OFFENSA +DIIS CUROE. As to the particular fact related, I think it is not +fair to argue from one instance, perhaps another cannot be +produced: yet (to the comfort of all those who may be apprehensive +of persecution) blasphemy we know is freely spoke a million of +times in every coffee-house and tavern, or wherever else good +company meet. It must be allowed, indeed, that to break an English +free-born officer only for blasphemy was, to speak the gentlest of +such an action, a very high strain of absolute power. Little can +be said in excuse for the general; perhaps he was afraid it might +give offence to the allies, among whom, for aught we know, it may +be the custom of the country to believe a God. But if he argued, +as some have done, upon a mistaken principle, that an officer who +is guilty of speaking blasphemy may, some time or other, proceed so +far as to raise a mutiny, the consequence is by no means to be +admitted: for surely the commander of an English army is like to +be but ill obeyed whose soldiers fear and reverence him as little +as they do a Deity. + +It is further objected against the Gospel system that it obliges +men to the belief of things too difficult for Freethinkers, and +such who have shook off the prejudices that usually cling to a +confined education. To which I answer, that men should be cautious +how they raise objections which reflect upon the wisdom of the +nation. Is not everybody freely allowed to believe whatever he +pleases, and to publish his belief to the world whenever he thinks +fit, especially if it serves to strengthen the party which is in +the right? Would any indifferent foreigner, who should read the +trumpery lately written by Asgil, Tindal, Toland, Coward, and forty +more, imagine the Gospel to be our rule of faith, and to be +confirmed by Parliaments? Does any man either believe, or say he +believes, or desire to have it thought that he says he believes, +one syllable of the matter? And is any man worse received upon +that score, or does he find his want of nominal faith a +disadvantage to him in the pursuit of any civil or military +employment? What if there be an old dormant statute or two against +him, are they not now obsolete, to a degree, that Empson and Dudley +themselves, if they were now alive, would find it impossible to put +them in execution? + +It is likewise urged, that there are, by computation, in this +kingdom, above ten thousand parsons, whose revenues, added to those +of my lords the bishops, would suffice to maintain at least two +hundred young gentlemen of wit and pleasure, and free-thinking, +enemies to priestcraft, narrow principles, pedantry, and +prejudices, who might be an ornament to the court and town: and +then again, so a great number of able [bodied] divines might be a +recruit to our fleet and armies. This indeed appears to be a +consideration of some weight; but then, on the other side, several +things deserve to be considered likewise: as, first, whether it +may not be thought necessary that in certain tracts of country, +like what we call parishes, there should be one man at least of +abilities to read and write. Then it seems a wrong computation +that the revenues of the Church throughout this island would be +large enough to maintain two hundred young gentlemen, or even half +that number, after the present refined way of living, that is, to +allow each of them such a rent as, in the modern form of speech, +would make them easy. But still there is in this project a greater +mischief behind; and we ought to beware of the woman's folly, who +killed the hen that every morning laid her a golden egg. For, pray +what would become of the race of men in the next age, if we had +nothing to trust to beside the scrofulous consumptive production +furnished by our men of wit and pleasure, when, having squandered +away their vigour, health, and estates, they are forced, by some +disagreeable marriage, to piece up their broken fortunes, and +entail rottenness and politeness on their posterity? Now, here are +ten thousand persons reduced, by the wise regulations of Henry +VIII., to the necessity of a low diet, and moderate exercise, who +are the only great restorers of our breed, without which the nation +would in an age or two become one great hospital. + +Another advantage proposed by the abolishing of Christianity is the +clear gain of one day in seven, which is now entirely lost, and +consequently the kingdom one seventh less considerable in trade, +business, and pleasure; besides the loss to the public of so many +stately structures now in the hands of the clergy, which might be +converted into play-houses, exchanges, market-houses, common +dormitories, and other public edifices. + +I hope I shall be forgiven a hard word if I call this a perfect +cavil. I readily own there hath been an old custom, time out of +mind, for people to assemble in the churches every Sunday, and that +shops are still frequently shut, in order, as it is conceived, to +preserve the memory of that ancient practice; but how this can +prove a hindrance to business or pleasure is hard to imagine. What +if the men of pleasure are forced, one day in the week, to game at +home instead of the chocolate-house? Are not the taverns and +coffee-houses open? Can there be a more convenient season for +taking a dose of physic? Is not that the chief day for traders to +sum up the accounts of the week, and for lawyers to prepare their +briefs? But I would fain know how it can be pretended that the +churches are misapplied? Where are more appointments and +rendezvouses of gallantry? Where more care to appear in the +foremost box, with greater advantage of dress? Where more meetings +for business? Where more bargains driven of all sorts? And where +so many conveniences or incitements to sleep? + +There is one advantage greater than any of the foregoing, proposed +by the abolishing of Christianity, that it will utterly extinguish +parties among us, by removing those factious distinctions of high +and low church, of Whig and Tory, Presbyterian and Church of +England, which are now so many mutual clogs upon public +proceedings, and are apt to prefer the gratifying themselves or +depressing their adversaries before the most important interest of +the State. + +I confess, if it were certain that so great an advantage would +redound to the nation by this expedient, I would submit, and be +silent; but will any man say, that if the words, whoring, drinking, +cheating, lying, stealing, were, by Act of Parliament, ejected out +of the English tongue and dictionaries, we should all awake next +morning chaste and temperate, honest and just, and lovers of truth? +Is this a fair consequence? Or if the physicians would forbid us +to pronounce the words pox, gout, rheumatism, and stone, would that +expedient serve like so many talismen to destroy the diseases +themselves? Are party and faction rooted in men's hearts no deeper +than phrases borrowed from religion, or founded upon no firmer +principles? And is our language so poor that we cannot find other +terms to express them? Are envy, pride, avarice, and ambition such +ill nomenclators, that they cannot furnish appellations for their +owners? Will not heydukes and mamalukes, mandarins and patshaws, +or any other words formed at pleasure, serve to distinguish those +who are in the ministry from others who would be in it if they +could? What, for instance, is easier than to vary the form of +speech, and instead of the word church, make it a question in +politics, whether the monument be in danger? Because religion was +nearest at hand to furnish a few convenient phrases, is our +invention so barren we can find no other? Suppose, for argument +sake, that the Tories favoured Margarita, the Whigs, Mrs. Tofts, +and the Trimmers, Valentini, would not Margaritians, Toftians, and +Valentinians be very tolerable marks of distinction? The Prasini +and Veniti, two most virulent factions in Italy, began, if I +remember right, by a distinction of colours in ribbons, which we +might do with as good a grace about the dignity of the blue and the +green, and serve as properly to divide the Court, the Parliament, +and the kingdom between them, as any terms of art whatsoever, +borrowed from religion. And therefore I think there is little +force in this objection against Christianity, or prospect of so +great an advantage as is proposed in the abolishing of it. + +It is again objected, as a very absurd, ridiculous custom, that a +set of men should be suffered, much less employed and hired, to +bawl one day in seven against the lawfulness of those methods most +in use towards the pursuit of greatness, riches, and pleasure, +which are the constant practice of all men alive on the other six. +But this objection is, I think, a little unworthy so refined an age +as ours. Let us argue this matter calmly. I appeal to the breast +of any polite Free-thinker, whether, in the pursuit of gratifying a +pre-dominant passion, he hath not always felt a wonderful +incitement, by reflecting it was a thing forbidden; and therefore +we see, in order to cultivate this test, the wisdom of the nation +hath taken special care that the ladies should be furnished with +prohibited silks, and the men with prohibited wine. And indeed it +were to be wished that some other prohibitions were promoted, in +order to improve the pleasures of the town, which, for want of such +expedients, begin already, as I am told, to flag and grow languid, +giving way daily to cruel inroads from the spleen. + +'Tis likewise proposed, as a great advantage to the public, that if +we once discard the system of the Gospel, all religion will of +course be banished for ever, and consequently along with it those +grievous prejudices of education which, under the names of +conscience, honour, justice, and the like, are so apt to disturb +the peace of human minds, and the notions whereof are so hard to be +eradicated by right reason or free-thinking, sometimes during the +whole course of our lives. + +Here first I observe how difficult it is to get rid of a phrase +which the world has once grown fond of, though the occasion that +first produced it be entirely taken away. For some years past, if +a man had but an ill-favoured nose, the deep thinkers of the age +would, some way or other contrive to impute the cause to the +prejudice of his education. From this fountain were said to be +derived all our foolish notions of justice, piety, love of our +country; all our opinions of God or a future state, heaven, hell, +and the like; and there might formerly perhaps have been some +pretence for this charge. But so effectual care hath been since +taken to remove those prejudices, by an entire change in the +methods of education, that (with honour I mention it to our polite +innovators) the young gentlemen, who are now on the scene, seem to +have not the least tincture left of those infusions, or string of +those weeds, and by consequence the reason for abolishing nominal +Christianity upon that pretext is wholly ceased. + +For the rest, it may perhaps admit a controversy, whether the +banishing all notions of religion whatsoever would be inconvenient +for the vulgar. Not that I am in the least of opinion with those +who hold religion to have been the invention of politicians, to +keep the lower part of the world in awe by the fear of invisible +powers; unless mankind were then very different from what it is +now; for I look upon the mass or body of our people here in England +to be as Freethinkers, that is to say, as staunch unbelievers, as +any of the highest rank. But I conceive some scattered notions +about a superior power to be of singular use for the common people, +as furnishing excellent materials to keep children quiet when they +grow peevish, and providing topics of amusement in a tedious winter +night. + +Lastly, it is proposed, as a singular advantage, that the +abolishing of Christianity will very much contribute to the uniting +of Protestants, by enlarging the terms of communion, so as to take +in all sorts of Dissenters, who are now shut out of the pale upon +account of a few ceremonies, which all sides confess to be things +indifferent. That this alone will effectually answer the great +ends of a scheme for comprehension, by opening a large noble gate, +at which all bodies may enter; whereas the chaffering with +Dissenters, and dodging about this or t'other ceremony, is but like +opening a few wickets, and leaving them at jar, by which no more +than one can get in at a time, and that not without stooping, and +sideling, and squeezing his body. + +To all this I answer, that there is one darling inclination of +mankind which usually affects to be a retainer to religion, though +she be neither its parent, its godmother, nor its friend. I mean +the spirit of opposition, that lived long before Christianity, and +can easily subsist without it. Let us, for instance, examine +wherein the opposition of sectaries among us consists. We shall +find Christianity to have no share in it at all. Does the Gospel +anywhere prescribe a starched, squeezed countenance, a stiff formal +gait, a singularity of manners and habit, or any affected forms and +modes of speech different from the reasonable part of mankind? +Yet, if Christianity did not lend its name to stand in the gap, and +to employ or divert these humours, they must of necessity be spent +in contraventions to the laws of the land, and disturbance of the +public peace. There is a portion of enthusiasm assigned to every +nation, which, if it hath not proper objects to work on, will burst +out, and set all into a flame. If the quiet of a State can be +bought by only flinging men a few ceremonies to devour, it is a +purchase no wise man would refuse. Let the mastiffs amuse +themselves about a sheep's skin stuffed with hay, provided it will +keep them from worrying the flock. The institution of convents +abroad seems in one point a strain of great wisdom, there being few +irregularities in human passions which may not have recourse to +vent themselves in some of those orders, which are so many retreats +for the speculative, the melancholy, the proud, the silent, the +politic, and the morose, to spend themselves, and evaporate the +noxious particles; for each of whom we in this island are forced to +provide a several sect of religion to keep them quiet; and whenever +Christianity shall be abolished, the Legislature must find some +other expedient to employ and entertain them. For what imports it +how large a gate you open, if there will be always left a number +who place a pride and a merit in not coming in? + +Having thus considered the most important objections against +Christianity, and the chief advantages proposed by the abolishing +thereof, I shall now, with equal deference and submission to wiser +judgments, as before, proceed to mention a few inconveniences that +may happen if the Gospel should be repealed, which, perhaps, the +projectors may not have sufficiently considered. + +And first, I am very sensible how much the gentlemen of wit and +pleasure are apt to murmur, and be choked at the sight of so many +daggle-tailed parsons that happen to fall in their way, and offend +their eyes; but at the same time, these wise reformers do not +consider what an advantage and felicity it is for great wits to be +always provided with objects of scorn and contempt, in order to +exercise and improve their talents, and divert their spleen from +falling on each other, or on themselves, especially when all this +may be done without the least imaginable danger to their persons. + +And to urge another argument of a parallel nature: if Christianity +were once abolished, how could the Freethinkers, the strong +reasoners, and the men of profound learning be able to find another +subject so calculated in all points whereon to display their +abilities? What wonderful productions of wit should we be deprived +of from those whose genius, by continual practice, hath been wholly +turned upon raillery and invectives against religion, and would +therefore never be able to shine or distinguish themselves upon any +other subject? We are daily complaining of the great decline of +wit among as, and would we take away the greatest, perhaps the only +topic we have left? Who would ever have suspected Asgil for a wit, +or Toland for a philosopher, if the inexhaustible stock of +Christianity had not been at hand to provide them with materials? +What other subject through all art or nature could have produced +Tindal for a profound author, or furnished him with readers? It is +the wise choice of the subject that alone adorns and distinguishes +the writer. For had a hundred such pens as these been employed on +the side of religion, they would have immediately sunk into silence +and oblivion. + +Nor do I think it wholly groundless, or my fears altogether +imaginary, that the abolishing of Christianity may perhaps bring +the Church in danger, or at least put the Senate to the trouble of +another securing vote. I desire I may not be mistaken; I am far +from presuming to affirm or think that the Church is in danger at +present, or as things now stand; but we know not how soon it may be +so when the Christian religion is repealed. As plausible as this +project seems, there may be a dangerous design lurk under it. +Nothing can be more notorious than that the Atheists, Deists, +Socinians, Anti-Trinitarians, and other subdivisions of +Freethinkers, are persons of little zeal for the present +ecclesiastical establishment: their declared opinion is for +repealing the sacramental test; they are very indifferent with +regard to ceremonies; nor do they hold the JUS DIVINUM of +episcopacy: therefore they may be intended as one politic step +towards altering the constitution of the Church established, and +setting up Presbytery in the stead, which I leave to be further +considered by those at the helm. + +In the last place, I think nothing can be more plain, than that by +this expedient we shall run into the evil we chiefly pretend to +avoid; and that the abolishment of the Christian religion will be +the readiest course we can take to introduce Popery. And I am the +more inclined to this opinion because we know it has been the +constant practice of the Jesuits to send over emissaries, with +instructions to personate themselves members of the several +prevailing sects amongst us. So it is recorded that they have at +sundry times appeared in the guise of Presbyterians, Anabaptists, +Independents, and Quakers, according as any of these were most in +credit; so, since the fashion hath been taken up of exploding +religion, the Popish missionaries have not been wanting to mix with +the Freethinkers; among whom Toland, the great oracle of the Anti- +Christians, is an Irish priest, the son of an Irish priest; and the +most learned and ingenious author of a book called the "Rights of +the Christian Church," was in a proper juncture reconciled to the +Romish faith, whose true son, as appears by a hundred passages in +his treatise, he still continues. Perhaps I could add some others +to the number; but the fact is beyond dispute, and the reasoning +they proceed by is right: for supposing Christianity to be +extinguished the people will never he at ease till they find out +some other method of worship, which will as infallibly produce +superstition as this will end in Popery. + +And therefore, if, notwithstanding all I have said, it still be +thought necessary to have a Bill brought in for repealing +Christianity, I would humbly offer an amendment, that instead of +the word Christianity may be put religion in general, which I +conceive will much better answer all the good ends proposed by the +projectors of it. For as long as we leave in being a God and His +Providence, with all the necessary consequences which curious and +inquisitive men will be apt to draw from such promises, we do not +strike at the root of the evil, though we should ever so +effectually annihilate the present scheme of the Gospel; for of +what use is freedom of thought if it will not produce freedom of +action, which is the sole end, how remote soever in appearance, of +all objections against Christianity? and therefore, the +Freethinkers consider it as a sort of edifice, wherein all the +parts have such a mutual dependence on each other, that if you +happen to pull out one single nail, the whole fabric must fall to +the ground. This was happily expressed by him who had heard of a +text brought for proof of the Trinity, which in an ancient +manuscript was differently read; he thereupon immediately took the +hint, and by a sudden deduction of a long Sorites, most logically +concluded: why, if it be as you say, I may safely drink on, and +defy the parson. From which, and many the like instances easy to +be produced, I think nothing can be more manifest than that the +quarrel is not against any particular points of hard digestion in +the Christian system, but against religion in general, which, by +laying restraints on human nature, is supposed the great enemy to +the freedom of thought and action. + +Upon the whole, if it shall still be thought for the benefit of +Church and State that Christianity be abolished, I conceive, +however, it may be more convenient to defer the execution to a time +of peace, and not venture in this conjuncture to disoblige our +allies, who, as it falls out, are all Christians, and many of them, +by the prejudices of their education, so bigoted as to place a sort +of pride in the appellation. If, upon being rejected by them, we +are to trust to an alliance with the Turk, we shall find ourselves +much deceived; for, as he is too remote, and generally engaged in +war with the Persian emperor, so his people would be more +scandalised at our infidelity than our Christian neighbours. For +they are not only strict observers of religions worship, but what +is worse, believe a God; which is more than is required of us, even +while we preserve the name of Christians. + +To conclude, whatever some may think of the great advantages to +trade by this favourite scheme, I do very much apprehend that in +six months' time after the Act is passed for the extirpation of the +Gospel, the Bank and East India stock may fall at least one per +cent. And since that is fifty times more than ever the wisdom of +our age thought fit to venture for the preservation of +Christianity, there is no reason we should be at so great a loss +merely for the sake of destroying it. + + + +CHAPTER XV - HINTS TOWARDS AN ESSAY ON CONVERSATION. + + + +I HAVE observed few obvious subjects to have been so seldom, or at +least so slightly, handled as this; and, indeed, I know few so +difficult to be treated as it ought, nor yet upon which there +seemeth so much to be said. + +Most things pursued by men for the happiness of public or private +life our wit or folly have so refined, that they seldom subsist but +in idea; a true friend, a good marriage, a perfect form of +government, with some others, require so many ingredients, so good +in their several kinds, and so much niceness in mixing them, that +for some thousands of years men have despaired of reducing their +schemes to perfection. But in conversation it is or might be +otherwise; for here we are only to avoid a multitude of errors, +which, although a matter of some difficulty, may be in every man's +power, for want of which it remaineth as mere an idea as the other. +Therefore it seemeth to me that the truest way to understand +conversation is to know the faults and errors to which it is +subject, and from thence every man to form maxims to himself +whereby it may be regulated, because it requireth few talents to +which most men are not born, or at least may not acquire without +any great genius or study. For nature bath left every man a +capacity of being agreeable, though not of shining in company; and +there are a hundred men sufficiently qualified for both, who, by a +very few faults that they might correct in half an hour, are not so +much as tolerable. + +I was prompted to write my thoughts upon this subject by mere +indignation, to reflect that so useful and innocent a pleasure, so +fitted for every period and condition of life, and so much in all +men's power, should be so much neglected and abused. + +And in this discourse it will be necessary to note those errors +that are obvious, as well as others which are seldomer observed, +since there are few so obvious or acknowledged into which most men, +some time or other, are not apt to run. + +For instance, nothing is more generally exploded than the folly of +talking too much; yet I rarely remember to have seen five people +together where some one among them hath not been predominant in +that kind, to the great constraint and disgust of all the rest. +But among such as deal in multitudes of words, none are comparable +to the sober deliberate talker, who proceedeth with much thought +and caution, maketh his preface, brancheth out into several +digressions, findeth a hint that putteth him in mind of another +story, which he promiseth to tell you when this is done; cometh +back regularly to his subject, cannot readily call to mind some +person's name, holdeth his head, complaineth of his memory; the +whole company all this while in suspense; at length, says he, it is +no matter, and so goes on. And, to crown the business, it perhaps +proveth at last a story the company hath heard fifty times before; +or, at best, some insipid adventure of the relater. + +Another general fault in conversation is that of those who affect +to talk of themselves. Some, without any ceremony, will run over +the history of their lives; will relate the annals of their +diseases, with the several symptoms and circumstances of them; will +enumerate the hardships and injustice they have suffered in court, +in parliament, in love, or in law. Others are more dexterous, and +with great art will lie on the watch to hook in their own praise. +They will call a witness to remember they always foretold what +would happen in such a case, but none would believe them; they +advised such a man from the beginning, and told him the +consequences just as they happened, but he would have his own way. +Others make a vanity of telling their faults. They are the +strangest men in the world; they cannot dissemble; they own it is a +folly; they have lost abundance of advantages by it; but, if you +would give them the world, they cannot help it; there is something +in their nature that abhors insincerity and constraint; with many +other unsufferable topics of the same altitude. + +Of such mighty importance every man is to himself, and ready to +think he is so to others, without once making this easy and obvious +reflection, that his affairs can have no more weight with other men +than theirs have with him; and how little that is he is sensible +enough. + +Where company hath met, I often have observed two persons discover +by some accident that they were bred together at the same school or +university, after which the rest are condemned to silence, and to +listen while these two are refreshing each other's memory with the +arch tricks and passages of themselves and their comrades. + +I know a great officer of the army, who will sit for some time with +a supercilious and impatient silence, full of anger and contempt +for those who are talking; at length of a sudden demand audience; +decide the matter in a short dogmatical way; then withdraw within +himself again, and vouchsafe to talk no more, until his spirits +circulate again to the same point. + +There are some faults in conversation which none are so subject to +as the men of wit, nor ever so much as when they are with each +other. If they have opened their mouths without endeavouring to +say a witty thing, they think it is so many words lost. It is a +torment to the hearers, as much as to themselves, to see them upon +the rack for invention, and in perpetual constraint, with so little +success. They must do something extraordinary, in order to acquit +themselves, and answer their character, else the standers by may be +disappointed and be apt to think them only like the rest of +mortals. I have known two men of wit industriously brought +together, in order to entertain the company, where they have made a +very ridiculous figure, and provided all the mirth at their own +expense. + +I know a man of wit, who is never easy but where he can be allowed +to dictate and preside; he neither expecteth to be informed or +entertained, but to display his own talents. His business is to be +good company, and not good conversation, and therefore he chooseth +to frequent those who are content to listen, and profess themselves +his admirers. And, indeed, the worst conversation I ever remember +to have heard in my life was that at Will's coffee-house, where the +wits, as they were called, used formerly to assemble; that is to +say, five or six men who had written plays, or at least prologues, +or had share in a miscellany, came thither, and entertained one +another with their trifling composures in so important an air, as +if they had been the noblest efforts of human nature, or that the +fate of kingdoms depended on them; and they were usually attended +with a humble audience of young students from the inns of courts, +or the universities, who, at due distance, listened to these +oracles, and returned home with great contempt for their law and +philosophy, their heads filled with trash under the name of +politeness, criticism, and belles lettres. + +By these means the poets, for many years past, were all overrun +with pedantry. For, as I take it, the word is not properly used; +because pedantry is the too front or unseasonable obtruding our own +knowledge in common discourse, and placing too great a value upon +it; by which definition men of the court or the army may be as +guilty of pedantry as a philosopher or a divine; and it is the same +vice in women when they are over copious upon the subject of their +petticoats, or their fans, or their china. For which reason, +although it be a piece of prudence, as well as good manners, to put +men upon talking on subjects they are best versed in, yet that is a +liberty a wise man could hardly take; because, beside the +imputation of pedantry, it is what he would never improve by. + +This great town is usually provided with some player, mimic, or +buffoon, who hath a general reception at the good tables; familiar +and domestic with persons of the first quality, and usually sent +for at every meeting to divert the company, against which I have no +objection. You go there as to a farce or a puppet-show; your +business is only to laugh in season, either out of inclination or +civility, while this merry companion is acting his part. It is a +business he hath undertaken, and we are to suppose he is paid for +his day's work. I only quarrel when in select and private +meetings, where men of wit and learning are invited to pass an +evening, this jester should be admitted to run over his circle of +tricks, and make the whole company unfit for any other +conversation, besides the indignity of confounding men's talents at +so shameful a rate. + +Raillery is the finest part of conversation; but, as it is our +usual custom to counterfeit and adulterate whatever is too dear for +us, so we have done with this, and turned it all into what is +generally called repartee, or being smart; just as when an +expensive fashion cometh up, those who are not able to reach it +content themselves with some paltry imitation. It now passeth for +raillery to run a man down in discourse, to put him out of +countenance, and make him ridiculous, sometimes to expose the +defects of his person or understanding; on all which occasions he +is obliged not to be angry, to avoid the imputation of not being +able to take a jest. It is admirable to observe one who is +dexterous at this art, singling out a weak adversary, getting the +laugh on his side, and then carrying all before him. The French, +from whom we borrow the word, have a quite different idea of the +thing, and so had we in the politer age of our fathers. Raillery +was, to say something that at first appeared a reproach or +reflection, but, by some turn of wit unexpected and surprising, +ended always in a compliment, and to the advantage of the person it +was addressed to. And surely one of the best rules in conversation +is, never to say a thing which any of the company can reasonably +wish we had rather left unsaid; nor can there anything be well more +contrary to the ends for which people meet together, than to part +unsatisfied with each other or themselves. + +There are two faults in conversation which appear very different, +yet arise from the same root, and are equally blamable; I mean, an +impatience to interrupt others, and the uneasiness of being +interrupted ourselves. The two chief ends of conversation are, to +entertain and improve those we are among, or to receive those +benefits ourselves; which whoever will consider, cannot easily run +into either of those two errors; because, when any man speaketh in +company, it is to be supposed he doth it for his hearers' sake, and +not his own; so that common discretion will teach us not to force +their attention, if they are not willing to lend it; nor, on the +other side, to interrupt him who is in possession, because that is +in the grossest manner to give the preference to our own good +sense. + +There are some people whose good manners will not suffer them to +interrupt you; but, what is almost as bad, will discover abundance +of impatience, and lie upon the watch until you have done, because +they have started something in their own thoughts which they long +to be delivered of. Meantime, they are so far from regarding what +passes, that their imaginations are wholly turned upon what they +have in reserve, for fear it should slip out of their memory; and +thus they confine their invention, which might otherwise range over +a hundred things full as good, and that might be much more +naturally introduced. + +There is a sort of rude familiarity, which some people, by +practising among their intimates, have introduced into their +general conversation, and would have it pass for innocent freedom +or humour, which is a dangerous experiment in our northern climate, +where all the little decorum and politeness we have are purely +forced by art, and are so ready to lapse into barbarity. This, +among the Romans, was the raillery of slaves, of which we have many +instances in Plautus. It seemeth to have been introduced among us +by Cromwell, who, by preferring the scum of the people, made it a +court-entertainment, of which I have heard many particulars; and, +considering all things were turned upside down, it was reasonable +and judicious; although it was a piece of policy found out to +ridicule a point of honour in the other extreme, when the smallest +word misplaced among gentlemen ended in a duel. + +There are some men excellent at telling a story, and provided with +a plentiful stock of them, which they can draw out upon occasion in +all companies; and considering how low conversation runs now among +us, it is not altogether a contemptible talent; however, it is +subject to two unavoidable defects: frequent repetition, and being +soon exhausted; so that whoever valueth this gift in himself hath +need of a good memory, and ought frequently to shift his company, +that he may not discover the weakness of his fund; for those who +are thus endowed have seldom any other revenue, but live upon the +main stock. + +Great speakers in public are seldom agreeable in private +conversation, whether their faculty be natural, or acquired by +practice and often venturing. Natural elocution, although it may +seem a paradox, usually springeth from a barrenness of invention +and of words, by which men who have only one stock of notions upon +every subject, and one set of phrases to express them in, they swim +upon the superficies, and offer themselves on every occasion; +therefore, men of much learning, and who know the compass of a +language, are generally the worst talkers on a sudden, until much +practice hath inured and emboldened them; because they are +confounded with plenty of matter, variety of notions, and of words, +which they cannot readily choose, but are perplexed and entangled +by too great a choice, which is no disadvantage in private +conversation; where, on the other side, the talent of haranguing +is, of all others, most insupportable. + +Nothing hath spoiled men more for conversation than the character +of being wits; to support which, they never fail of encouraging a +number of followers and admirers, who list themselves in their +service, wherein they find their accounts on both sides by pleasing +their mutual vanity. This hath given the former such an air of +superiority, and made the latter so pragmatical, that neither of +them are well to be endured. I say nothing here of the itch of +dispute and contradiction, telling of lies, or of those who are +troubled with the disease called the wandering of the thoughts, +that they are never present in mind at what passeth in discourse; +for whoever labours under any of these possessions is as unfit for +conversation as madmen in Bedlam. + +I think I have gone over most of the errors in conversation that +have fallen under my notice or memory, except some that are merely +personal, and others too gross to need exploding; such as lewd or +profane talk; but I pretend only to treat the errors of +conversation in general, and not the several subjects of discourse, +which would be infinite. Thus we see how human nature is most +debased, by the abuse of that faculty, which is held the great +distinction between men and brutes; and how little advantage we +make of that which might be the greatest, the most lasting, and the +most innocent, as well as useful pleasure of life: in default of +which, we are forced to take up with those poor amusements of dress +and visiting, or the more pernicious ones of play, drink, and +vicious amours, whereby the nobility and gentry of both sexes are +entirely corrupted both in body and mind, and have lost all notions +of love, honour, friendship, and generosity; which, under the name +of fopperies, have been for some time laughed out of doors. + +This degeneracy of conversation, with the pernicious consequences +thereof upon our humours and dispositions, hath been owing, among +other causes, to the custom arisen, for some time past, of +excluding women from any share in our society, further than in +parties at play, or dancing, or in the pursuit of an amour. I take +the highest period of politeness in England (and it is of the same +date in France) to have been the peaceable part of King Charles +I.'s reign; and from what we read of those times, as well as from +the accounts I have formerly met with from some who lived in that +court, the methods then used for raising and cultivating +conversation were altogether different from ours; several ladies, +whom we find celebrated by the poets of that age, had assemblies at +their houses, where persons of the best understanding, and of both +sexes, met to pass the evenings in discoursing upon whatever +agreeable subjects were occasionally started; and although we are +apt to ridicule the sublime Platonic notions they had, or +personated in love and friendship, I conceive their refinements +were grounded upon reason, and that a little grain of the romance +is no ill ingredient to preserve and exalt the dignity of human +nature, without which it is apt to degenerate into everything that +is sordid, vicious, and low. If there were no other use in the +conversation of ladies, it is sufficient that it would lay a +restraint upon those odious topics of immodesty and indecencies, +into which the rudeness of our northern genius is so apt to fall. +And, therefore, it is observable in those sprightly gentlemen about +the town, who are so very dexterous at entertaining a vizard mask +in the park or the playhouse, that, in the company of ladies of +virtue and honour, they are silent and disconcerted, and out of +their element. + +There are some people who think they sufficiently acquit themselves +and entertain their company with relating of facts of no +consequence, nor at all out of the road of such common incidents as +happen every day; and this I have observed more frequently among +the Scots than any other nation, who are very careful not to omit +the minutest circumstances of time or place; which kind of +discourse, if it were not a little relieved by the uncouth terms +and phrases, as well as accent and gesture peculiar to that +country, would be hardly tolerable. It is not a fault in company +to talk much; but to continue it long is certainly one; for, if the +majority of those who are got together be naturally silent or +cautious, the conversation will flag, unless it be often renewed by +one among them who can start new subjects, provided he doth not +dwell upon them, but leaveth room for answers and replies. + + + +CHAPTER XVI - THOUGHTS ON VARIOUS SUBJECTS. + + + +WE have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to +make us love one another. + +Reflect on things past as wars, negotiations, factions, etc. We +enter so little into those interests, that we wonder how men could +possibly be so busy and concerned for things so transitory; look on +the present times, we find the same humour, yet wonder not at all. + +A wise man endeavours, by considering all circumstances, to make +conjectures and form conclusions; but the smallest accident +intervening (and in the course of affairs it is impossible to +foresee all) does often produce such turns and changes, that at +last he is just as much in doubt of events as the most ignorant and +inexperienced person. + +Positiveness is a good quality for preachers and orators, because +he that would obtrude his thoughts and reasons upon a multitude, +will convince others the more, as he appears convinced himself. + +How is it possible to expect that mankind will take advice, when +they will not so much as take warning? + +I forget whether Advice be among the lost things which Aristo says +are to be found in the moon; that and Time ought to have been +there. + +No preacher is listened to but Time, which gives us the same train +and turn of thought that older people have tried in vain to put +into our heads before. + +When we desire or solicit anything, our minds run wholly on the +good side or circumstances of it; when it is obtained, our minds +run wholly on the bad ones. + +In a glass-house the workmen often fling in a small quantity of +fresh coals, which seems to disturb the fire, but very much +enlivens it. This seems to allude to a gentle stirring of the +passions, that the mind may not languish. + +Religion seems to have grown an infant with age, and requires +miracles to nurse it, as it had in its infancy. + +All fits of pleasure are balanced by an equal degree of pain or +languor; it is like spending this year part of the next year's +revenue. + +The latter part of a wise man's life is taken up in curing the +follies, prejudices, and false opinions he had contracted in the +former. + +Would a writer know how to behave himself with relation to +posterity, let him consider in old books what he finds that he is +glad to know, and what omissions he most laments. + +Whatever the poets pretend, it is plain they give immortality to +none but themselves; it is Homer and Virgil we reverence and +admire, not Achilles or AEneas. With historians it is quite the +contrary; our thoughts are taken up with the actions, persons, and +events we read, and we little regard the authors. + +When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this +sign; that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. + +Men who possess all the advantages of life, are in a state where +there are many accidents to disorder and discompose, but few to +please them. + +It is unwise to punish cowards with ignominy, for if they had +regarded that they would not have been cowards; death is their +proper punishment, because they fear it most. + +The greatest inventions were produced in the times of ignorance, as +the use of the compass, gunpowder, and printing, and by the dullest +nation, as the Germans. + +One argument to prove that the common relations of ghosts and +spectres are generally false, may be drawn from the opinion held +that spirits are never seen by more than one person at a time; that +is to say, it seldom happens to above one person in a company to be +possessed with any high degree of spleen or melancholy. + +I am apt to think that, in the day of Judgment, there will be small +allowance given to the wise for their want of morals, nor to the +ignorant for their want of faith, because both are without excuse. +This renders the advantages equal of ignorance and knowledge. But, +some scruples in the wise, and some vices in the ignorant, will +perhaps be forgiven upon the strength of temptation to each. + +The value of several circumstances in story lessens very much by +distance of time, though some minute circumstances are very +valuable; and it requires great judgment in a writer to +distinguish. + +It is grown a word of course for writers to say, "This critical +age," as divines say, "This sinful age." + +It is pleasant to observe how free the present age is in laying +taxes on the next. FUTURE AGES SHALL TALK OF THIS; THIS SHALL BE +FAMOUS TO ALL POSTERITY. Whereas their time and thoughts will be +taken up about present things, as ours are now. + +The chameleon, who is said to feed upon nothing but air, hath, of +all animals, the nimblest tongue. + +When a man is made a spiritual peer he loses his surname; when a +temporal, his Christian name. + +It is in disputes as in armies, where the weaker side sets up false +lights, and makes a great noise, to make the enemy believe them +more numerous and strong than they really are. + +Some men, under the notions of weeding out prejudices, eradicate +virtue, honesty, and religion. + +In all well-instituted commonwealths, care has been taken to limit +men's possessions; which is done for many reasons, and among the +rest, for one which perhaps is not often considered: that when +bounds are set to men's desires, after they have acquired as much +as the laws will permit them, their private interest is at an end, +and they have nothing to do but to take care of the public. + +There are but three ways for a man to revenge himself of the +censure of the world: to despise it, to return the like, or to +endeavour to live so as to avoid it. The first of these is usually +pretended, the last is almost impossible; the universal practice is +for the second. + +I never heard a finer piece of satire against lawyers than that of +astrologers, when they pretend by rules of art to tell when a suit +will end, and whether to the advantage of the plaintiff or +defendant; thus making the matter depend entirely upon the +influence of the stars, without the least regard to the merits of +the cause. + +The expression in Apocrypha about Tobit and his dog following him I +have often heard ridiculed, yet Homer has the same words of +Telemachus more than once; and Virgil says something like it of +Evander. And I take the book of Tobit to be partly poetical. + +I have known some men possessed of good qualities, which were very +serviceable to others, but useless to themselves; like a sun-dial +on the front of a house, to inform the neighbours and passengers, +but not the owner within. + +If a man would register all his opinions upon love, politics, +religion, learning, etc., beginning from his youth and so go on to +old age, what a bundle of inconsistencies and contradictions would +appear at last! + +What they do in heaven we are ignorant of; what they do not we are +told expressly: that they neither marry, nor are given in +marriage. + +It is a miserable thing to live in suspense; it is the life of a +spider. + +The Stoical scheme of supplying our wants by lopping off our +desires, is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes. + +Physicians ought not to give their judgment of religion, for the +same reason that butchers are not admitted to be jurors upon life +and death. + +The reason why so few marriages are happy, is, because young ladies +spend their time in making nets, not in making cages. + +If a man will observe as he walks the streets, I believe he will +find the merriest countenances in mourning coaches. + +Nothing more unqualifies a man to act with prudence than a +misfortune that is attended with shame and guilt. + +The power of fortune is confessed only by the miserable; for the +happy impute all their success to prudence or merit. + +Ambition often puts men upon doing the meanest offices; so climbing +is performed in the same posture with creeping. + +Censure is the tax a man pays to the public for being eminent. + +Although men are accused for not knowing their own weakness, yet +perhaps as few know their own strength. It is, in men as in soils, +where sometimes there is a vein of gold which the owner knows not +of. + +Satire is reckoned the easiest of all wit, but I take it to be +otherwise in very bad times: for it is as hard to satirise well a +man of distinguished vices, as to praise well a man of +distinguished virtues. It is easy enough to do either to people of +moderate characters. + +Invention is the talent of youth, and judgment of age; so that our +judgment grows harder to please, when we have fewer things to offer +it: this goes through the whole commerce of life. When we are +old, our friends find it difficult to please us, and are less +concerned whether we be pleased or no. + +No wise man ever wished to be younger. + +An idle reason lessens the weight of the good ones you gave before. + +The motives of the best actions will not bear too strict an +inquiry. It is allowed that the cause of most actions, good or +bad, may he resolved into the love of ourselves; but the self-love +of some men inclines them to please others, and the self-love of +others is wholly employed in pleasing themselves. This makes the +great distinction between virtue and vice. Religion is the best +motive of all actions, yet religion is allowed to be the highest +instance of self-love. + +Old men view best at a distance with the eyes of their +understanding as well as with those of nature. + +Some people take more care to hide their wisdom than their folly. + +Anthony Henley's farmer, dying of an asthma, said, "Well, if I can +get this breath once OUT, I'll take care it never got IN again." + +The humour of exploding many things under the name of trifles, +fopperies, and only imaginary goods, is a very false proof either +of wisdom or magnanimity, and a great check to virtuous actions. +For instance, with regard to fame, there is in most people a +reluctance and unwillingness to be forgotten. We observe, even +among the vulgar, how fond they are to have an inscription over +their grave. It requires but little philosophy to discover and +observe that there is no intrinsic value in all this; however, if +it be founded in our nature as an incitement to virtue, it ought +not to be ridiculed. + +Complaint is the largest tribute heaven receives, and the sincerest +part of our devotion. + +The common fluency of speech in many men, and most women, is owing +to a scarcity of matter, and a scarcity of words; for whoever is a +master of language, and hath a mind full of ideas, will be apt, in +speaking, to hesitate upon the choice of both; whereas common +speakers have only one set of ideas, and one set of words to clothe +them in, and these are always ready at the mouth. So people come +faster out of a church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd +is at the door. + +Few are qualified to shine in company; but it is in most men's +power to be agreeable. The reason, therefore, why conversation +runs so low at present, is not the defect of understanding, but +pride, vanity, ill-nature, affectation, singularity, positiveness, +or some other vice, the effect of a wrong education. + +To be vain is rather a mark of humility than pride. Vain men +delight in telling what honours have been done them, what great +company they have kept, and the like, by which they plainly confess +that these honours were more than their due, and such as their +friends would not believe if they had not been told: whereas a man +truly proud thinks the greatest honours below his merit, and +consequently scorns to boast. I therefore deliver it as a maxim, +that whoever desires the character of a proud man, ought to conceal +his vanity. + +Law, in a free country, is, or ought to be, the determination of +the majority of those who have property in land. + +One argument used to the disadvantage of Providence I take to be a +very strong one in its defence. It is objected that storms and +tempests, unfruitful seasons, serpents, spiders, flies, and other +noxious or troublesome animals, with many more instances of the +like kind, discover an imperfection in nature, because human life +would be much easier without them; but the design of Providence may +clearly be perceived in this proceeding. The motions of the sun +and moon - in short, the whole system of the universe, as far as +philosophers have been able to discover and observe, are in the +utmost degree of regularity and perfection; but wherever God hath +left to man the power of interposing a remedy by thought or labour, +there he hath placed things in a state of imperfection, on purpose +to stir up human industry, without which life would stagnate, or, +indeed, rather, could not subsist at all: CURIS ACCUUNT MORTALIA +CORDA. + +Praise is the daughter of present power. + +How inconsistent is man with himself! + +I have known several persons of great fame for wisdom in public +affairs and counsels governed by foolish servants. + +I have known great Ministers, distinguished for wit and learning, +who preferred none but dunces. + +I have known men of great valour cowards to their wives. + +I have known men of the greatest cunning perpetually cheated. + +I knew three great Ministers, who could exactly compute and settle +the accounts of a kingdom, but were wholly ignorant of their own +economy. + +The preaching of divines helps to preserve well-inclined men in the +course of virtue, but seldom or never reclaims the vicious. + +Princes usually make wiser choices than the servants whom they +trust for the disposal of places: I have known a prince, more than +once, choose an able Minister, but I never observed that Minister +to use his credit in the disposal of an employment to a person whom +he thought the fittest for it. One of the greatest in this age +owned and excused the matter from the violence of parties and the +unreasonableness of friends. + +Small causes are sufficient to make a man uneasy when great ones +are not in the way. For want of a block he will stumble at a +straw. + +Dignity, high station, or great riches, are in some sort necessary +to old men, in order to keep the younger at a distance, who are +otherwise too apt to insult them upon the score of their age. + +Every man desires to live long; but no man would be old. + +Love of flattery in most men proceeds from the mean opinion they +have of themselves; in women from the contrary. + +If books and laws continue to increase as they have done for fifty +years past, I am in some concern for future ages how any man will +be learned, or any man a lawyer. + +Kings are commonly said to have LONG HANDS; I wish they had as LONG +EARS. + +Princes in their infancy, childhood, and youth are said to discover +prodigious parts and wit, to speak things that surprise and +astonish. Strange, so many hopeful princes, and so many shameful +kings! If they happen to die young, they would have been prodigies +of wisdom and virtue. If they live, they are often prodigies +indeed, but of another sort. + +Politics, as the word is commonly understood, are nothing but +corruptions, and consequently of no use to a good king or a good +ministry; for which reason Courts are so overrun with politics. + +A nice man is a man of nasty ideas. + +Apollo was held the god of physic and sender of diseases. Both +wore originally the same trade, and still continue. + +Old men and comets have been reverenced for the same reason: their +long beards, and pretences to foretell events. + +A person was asked at court, what he thought of an ambassador and +his train, who were all embroidery and lace, full of bows, cringes, +and gestures; he said, it was Solomon's importation, gold and apes. + +Most sorts of diversion in men, children, and other animals, is an +imitation of fighting. + +Augustus meeting an ass with a lucky name foretold himself good +fortune. I meet many asses, but none of them have lucky names. + +If a man makes me keep my distance, the comfort is he keeps his at +the same time. + +Who can deny that all men are violent lovers of truth when we see +them so positive in their errors, which they will maintain out of +their zeal to truth, although they contradict themselves every day +of their lives? + +That was excellently observed, say I, when I read a passage in an +author, where his opinion agrees with mine. When we differ, there +I pronounce him to be mistaken. + +Very few men, properly speaking, live at present, but are providing +to live another time. + +Laws penned with the utmost care and exactness, and in the vulgar +language, are often perverted to wrong meanings; then why should we +wonder that the Bible is so? + +Although men are accused for not knowing their weakness, yet +perhaps as few know their own strength. + +A man seeing a wasp creeping into a vial filled with honey, that +was hung on a fruit tree, said thus: "Why, thou sottish animal, +art thou mad to go into that vial, where you see many hundred of +your kind there dying in it before you?" "The reproach is just," +answered the wasp, "but not from you men, who are so far from +taking example by other people's follies, that you will not take +warning by your own. If after falling several times into this +vial, and escaping by chance, I should fall in again, I should then +but resemble you." + +An old miser kept a tame jackdaw, that used to steal pieces of +money, and hide them in a hole, which the cat observing, asked why +he would hoard up those round shining things that he could make no +use of? "Why," said the jackdaw, "my master has a whole chest +full, and makes no more use of them than I." + +Men are content to be laughed at for their wit, but not for their +folly. + +If the men of wit and genius would resolve never to complain in +their works of critics and detractors, the next age would not know +that they ever had any. + +After all the maxims and systems of trade and commerce, a stander- +by would think the affairs of the world were most ridiculously +contrived. + +There are few countries which, if well cultivated, would not +support double the number of their inhabitants, and yet fewer where +one-third of the people are not extremely stinted even in the +necessaries of life. I send out twenty barrels of corn, which +would maintain a family in bread for a year, and I bring back in +return a vessel of wine, which half a dozen good follows would +drink in less than a month, at the expense of their health and +reason. + +A man would have but few spectators, if he offered to show for +threepence how he could thrust a red-hot iron into a barrel of +gunpowder, and it should not take fire. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg eText The Battle of the Books and +Other Short Pieces + diff --git a/old/batbk10.zip b/old/batbk10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..825085f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/batbk10.zip |