diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/62292-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/62292-0.txt | 8034 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 8034 deletions
diff --git a/old/62292-0.txt b/old/62292-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 86b15f5..0000000 --- a/old/62292-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8034 +0,0 @@ -*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 62292 *** - -Transcriber’s Note: Italic text is denoted by _underscores_. - - - - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS - - BY - - ONE OF THE DOGS - - ILLUSTRATED - - PUBLISHED BY - DOUGLAS MCCALLUM - 90 WASHINGTON ST. CHICAGO ILL. - 1893 - - - - - COPYRIGHT 1893 - BY - DOUGLAS McCALLUM - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED - - - ELECTROTYPED BY THE - LIBBY & SHERWOOD PRINTING CO. - CHICAGO. - - - - - CONTENTS - - Chapter Page - PREFACE. 1 - CHAPTER I. 5 - CHAPTER II. 8 - CHAPTER III. 18 - CHAPTER IV. 24 - CHAPTER V. 28 - CHAPTER VI. 32 - CHAPTER VII. 38 - CHAPTER VIII. 42 - CHAPTER IX. 48 - CHAPTER X. 57 - CHAPTER XI. 63 - CHAPTER XII. 69 - CHAPTER XIII. 76 - CHAPTER XIV. 80 - CHAPTER XV. 83 - CHAPTER XVI. 88 - CHAPTER XVII. 91 - CHAPTER XVIII. 97 - CHAPTER XIX. 103 - CHAPTER XX. 111 - CHAPTER XXI. 117 - CHAPTER XXII. 121 - CHAPTER XXIII. 130 - CHAPTER XXIV. 137 - CHAPTER XXV. 144 - CHAPTER XXVI. 149 - CHAPTER XXVII. 156 - CHAPTER XXVIII. 162 - CHAPTER XXIX. 171 - CHAPTER XXX. 175 - CHAPTER XXXI. 180 - CHAPTER XXXII. 187 - CHAPTER XXXIII. 197 - CHAPTER XXXIV. 206 - CHAPTER XXXV. 214 - CHAPTER XXXVI. 220 - CHAPTER XXXVII. 227 - CHAPTER XXXVIII. 235 - CHAPTER XXXIX. 243 - CHAPTER XL. 249 - CHAPTER XLI. 254 - CHAPTER XLII. 264 - - - - -PREFACE. - - -Henry Ward Beecher, in a sermon shortly before his death, said America -was going through a period of disgrace. This was true; for there had -come to pass, what the prophetic Lincoln had foretold, that, as the -result of the war, monopolies had been enthroned, that had filled the -land with corruption and imperilled the liberties of the people. - -To-day the period of disgrace is worse than then, for the corrupt tree -which was then bearing so luxuriant a crop has had several years more in -which to develop its fruit-bearing capacity. - -On every hand Mammon reigns. His throne has been set up in the very -place of sovereignty. His rule is universal and absolute. The price of -his favor is the sacrifice of all truth, virtue and honor. Honest, hard -work has become the synonym of poverty; and it has become the fixed -rule of our civilization—rule with absolutely no exception—that -no one can come to great wealth except by some of the many forms of -legal stealing. At his feet all organized institutions bow and worship. -Politics are corrupt to the core. Our legislatures—as Beecher used -to declare of that of New York—are everywhere the shambles where -legislators are bought and sold like sheep. Political “bosses” possess, -and lord it over, the souls and bodies of the chattel voters of the -“parties” with as brutal a despotism as ever Czar or Kaiser wielded. -Legislation-favored monopolists of the various means of the people’s -“life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” are openly and commonly -termed “Kings,” “Lords,” “Barons,” as though in undisguised contempt of -the thinly veiled pretense that this is a republic. - -To-day is fulfilled that which thirty-six years ago was prophesied by -Lord Macauley, that, America’s public lands being all gone, England’s -poverty would be reproduced in our cities. It is literally true as he -foretold, that in Chicago there is a multitude of people none of whom -has had more than half a breakfast, or expects to have more than half a -dinner. - -Our daily crop of common theft, murder, suicide and insanity is probably -greater than that of any other country; while the crop of respectable, -pious and educated scoundrelism, embezzlement, fraud and crime was -probably never paralleled in the worst days of the worst monarchy that -ever existed, for the thousands of our daily newspapers the country over -have little else than the records of the universally abounding venality, -corruption and wickedness with which to fill their columns. - -Business, trade and commerce are nothing less than a chaos of clashing, -discordant self-interests; a universal war; a pandemonium of noisy -lying, overreaching, cheating and stealing. - -Patriotism, too—especially with our so called upper classes—has -become almost universally a “livery of Heaven to serve the devil in,” -and is the particular characteristic of the hypocritical scoundrels -whose whole business in life it has been to trade on the necessities -of the Government, and to make money out of the wholesale theft of -the public domain, the sale of the liberties of the people, and the -bonding and mortgaging of the future products of their labor—even unto -those of the grandchildren of generations yet unborn—to the leeches -and loafing non-producers of every foreign country. The land is full -of such worse than Benedict Arnolds. Blatant hypocrites they are, -who—Judas-like—ostentatiously kiss the Flag and worship the republic -to-day, but are ready at any convenient moment to haul down the one and -overthrow the other for an extra five per cent. dividend on the bondage -of the people. - -The Church, as always, is the willing handmaid of the oppressor -everywhere; and to suit the wealthy lords who are her chief support, -preaches a Mammonized God and an insipid, harmless, garbled and -un-Christlike Christ; and in all her wide domain, has no real hope or -help for the groaning millions but a shadowy future world. - -For this universal degeneracy the people themselves are wholly to blame. -Was it not Montesquieu who said “all governments are as bad as the -people will let them be?” They are the masters whensoever they will so -to be. But they do not will, because they are ignorant and asleep. When -they shall awake and come to a knowledge of their wrongs, they will have -but to command through the ballot box, and they shall cease. - -We need a new race of Whittiers, Lowells, Phillipses, Lincolns and -Garrisons to arouse the people from their lethargy and inspire them -to take back their stolen heritage of rights, before their one last -peaceful remedy, the ballot, shall be stolen away too. - -To help open their eyes, and help on that blessed time when this shall -really be a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, -this little book was written. - - THE AUTHOR. - -DECEMBER, 1893. - - - - -THE DOGS AND THE FLEAS. - - - - -CHAPTER I. - - CANISVILLE.—FOUNDED BY REBEL DOGS FROM - KYHIDOM.—PROSPERITY AND HAPPINESS OF THE EARLY - CANISVILLIANS. - - -[Illustration] - -THERE was once a time when dogs _were_ dogs and dwelt together -respectably in the respectable town of Canisville. Canisville was -situated on the west side of a big fish pond, from the east side of -which the forefathers and foremothers of the dogs had come, driven out -by the dogs of Kyhidom, the great city of those parts, because they had -dared to say many most grievous things about the folly of dogs allowing -fleas to settle on them, to boss them and suck their blood. - -For be it known, the dogs of Kyhidom were great idolaters with very -small heads, who had been easily taught to reverence and worship fleas -in general, and their own in particular, as having been ordained of God -to suck their blood; and when these rebel dogs with preposterous, new -fangled notions about the rights of dogs, got loud-mouthed in their -remarks, the good, orthodox, divine-right-of-fleas dogs were scandalized -and said that the rebel dogs were committing the sin of doubting the -wisdom of things that were and had been, and were flying in the face of -Providence; and as they were there to protect Providence at all hazards, -those dogs must either cease flying in the face of Providence or fly -from the country. So the rebel dogs, not being able to stop flying in -the face of Providence aforesaid, did fly from the country and paddled -their own canoe to the other side of the pond, where they founded the -new town of Canisville. - -Nevertheless, this same Providence, who, on that side of the pond, -apparently could not bear to have his face flown in, did seem to -mightily bless and prosper them on this side thereof; and they became a -well-to-do community and were guided, ruled and advised by a wise and -venerable patriarchal chief of the name of Bull McMastiff, who taught -them various wise maxims and laws. Every morning he would call them -to a conversazione, and after admonishing them of their sins, faults, -mistakes and transgressions of the day before, would advise them of the -way wherein they should trot to-day; and he always dismissed them with -this particular bit of advice: “My children, your enemy the flea goeth -about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. He loveth dogs, -and neglecteth no opportunity to take possession of one, particularly -the lazy one. But remember, I pray ye, your forefathers and foremothers; -how they refused to hump the back for fleas to ride upon; how they gat -themselves up out of Kyhidom, out of the House of Bondage, and came -into this land flowing with milk and honey, where ye have grown to be a -mighty, prosperous and free people undevoured of fleas. Therefore I say -unto you, be vigilant, and diligently beware of the flea.” - -And so it was that while they continued to hearken unto the barks of the -good chief McMastiff, they dwelt in safety and put away from amongst -them all those who had the itch and the mange and the scab and the -botch. - -And they searched diligently all through the camp, and whomsoever they -found scratching with the hind leg, or viciously biting himself, they -incontinently hauled up before the judge and made confess where he had -caught his flea, or rather where his flea had caught him; and when they -had taken the flea and caused it to be put to death, they sentenced the -culprit to be cleansed every day for a month; but if the offender -offended again, they worried him to death and cast out his carcass. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER II. - - - MEPHISTOPHELES. (_Sings._) - - There was a king once reigning, - Who had a big black flea— - - FROSCH. - - Hear, hear! A flea! D’ye rightly take the jest? - I call a flea a tidy guest. - - MEPHISTOPHELES. (_Sings._) - - There was a king once reigning, - Who had a big black flea, - And loved him past explaining, - As his own son were he. - He called his man of stitches; - The tailor came straightway: - Here, measure the lad for breeches, - And measure his coat, I say! - - BRANDER. - - But mind, allow the tailor no caprices: - Enjoin upon him, as his head is dear, - To most exactly measure, sew and shear, - So that the breeches have no creases! - - MEPHISTOPHELES. - - In silk and velvet gleaming - He now was wholly drest— - Had a coat with ribbons streaming, - A cross upon his breast. - He had the first of stations, - A minister’s star and name; - And also all his relations, - Great lords at court became. - - And the lords and ladies of honor - Were plagued, awake and in bed; - The queen she got them upon her, - The maids were bitten and bled. - - And they did not dare to crush them, - Or scratch them, day or night: - We crack them and we crush them, - At once, whene’er they bite. - - CHORUS, (_Shouting._) - - We crack them and we crush them, - At once, whene’er they bite! - - FROSCH. - - Bravo! Bravo! That was fine. - - SIEBEL. - - Every flea may it so befall. - - —_Goethe._ - - DEATH OF BULL MCMASTIFF.—ACCESSION OF PUP MCPOODLE.—HIS - EVIL REIGN.—TROUBLE WITH THE DOGS OF KYHIDOM AND HOW - IT ENDED.—NATIONAL DEBT.—A FLEAS’ WAR AND A DOGS’ - FIGHT.—HOW THE VICTORIOUS DOGS BECAME NATIONAL PETS. - - -NOW all the inhabitants of Canisville walked righteously all the days -of Bull McMastiff, and the blessing of Heaven was upon them. They kept -his statutes and judgments and laid up his commandments in their hearts, -and were blessed in their uprising, and their downsitting, in their -going out, and in their coming in. Plenty crowned their years, and full -were always their basket and their store; their bread was certain and -their water sure; peace and everlasting joy were in all their borders, -and want and poverty and plague were far away and unknown, save as by -stories of travelers in strange and heathen lands. - -But it came to pass that Bull McMastiff died and was gathered to his -fathers, full of days, full of honors, and toothless, and Pup McPoodle -reigned in his stead. And Pup McPoodle did evil in the sight of all -the community, and walked not in the ways of Bull McMastiff. In the -cussedness of his heart, he caused the whole community of dogs to turn -aside from following the wise maxims and counsels of Bull McMastiff, in -keeping of which they had grown fat and strong and sleek and well-to-do. -He scoffed when certain good old conservative canines reminded him of -McMastiff’s vigilant care of the community, and when they quoted his -maxims, he barked and said “Rats.” - -And the canines turned aside from following Bull McMastiff. And it -came to pass that they neglected to haul up for punishment those who -scratched with the hind leg; and soon it was found that many were with -flea. - -In those days other trouble fell on the inhabitants of Canisville; for -the fleas of Kyhidom, who had ordered the dogs of Kyhidom to drive out -the rebellious dogs that flew in the face of Providence, felt the loss -of the driven-out dogs; and although they hated much their heretic -doctrines, they hated more to lose the tribute of blood they had been -accustomed to get out of them. So they sent some delegate fleas over -the pond to beg of the outlawed and exiled dogs, to be good enough not -to forget the fleas of their own beloved native land, but to send over -at stated times a little of their blood to keep them from starving. And -the delegates pleaded so hard in the names of religion, patriotism, the -old country, the old ties of blood, and for old acquaintance’ sake that -the exiled dogs relented and repented, and consented to bleed themselves -so much a month and send the blood over in a bowl for the sustenance of -the Kyhidom fleas, who were content to receive it thus, although they -grumbled at the quantity which they said ought to have been at least two -bowlfuls. - -[Illustration] - -In process of time, however, when the fleas of Kyhidom had grown -accustomed to receiving regularly the monthly bowlful, and the dogs -of Canisville had become accustomed to being bled, the appetite of the -fleas began to grow, and they grew fretful and began to say that the -dogs over the pond were growing mean and unmindful of the duty they owed -to their mother country. - -[Illustration] - -So they sent over another delegation to tell the dogs of Canisville -that the appetite of the fleas of Kyhidom had very much improved, and -that it was very necessary unto their health that the dogs send over a -double tribute of blood, and that in case of refusal the fleas would -feel very much hurt in their feelings; and above all, that the refusal -would be very displeasing to Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, the King of -Kyhidom, who was the especial friend and protector of fleas; in fact, -so dearly and devotedly did he love them that they were to him as the -apples of his eyes, and any insult to them he would regard as tantamount -to treason against _him_. But the dogs made reply that they could not -conscientiously comply with the new request; that they themselves were -not doing as well as formerly; that they had fleas of their own to -support now, and that really, while holding the very highest regard and -reverence for the fleas of their beloved old Kyhidom (having forgiven -the outrage perpetrated there upon their forefathers), they hoped the -fleas would kindly excuse any additional contribution, and try to rest -content with the usual monthly bowlful. - -[Illustration] - -Certain of the dogs, however, who were known as “Advanced,” very -disrespectfully spoke up and said that this sending of blood away -over the pond was all wrong; it was contrary to sound sense, and was -detrimental to the interests of the community to send blood away to -fleas that didn’t live in the country; that this was “Absenteeism” and -absenteeism was the ruin of any country; that the first duty of dogs -was to their own native fleas and not to foreigners, and that their -advice was to refuse to send any more blood over the pond, and to drive -the whole pesky lot of foreign fleas out of the land. - -And all the native fleas cried out that that was well spoken, and -displayed the true Spirit of Independence. And they violently urged -all the other dogs to take up that Spirit and make a firm and decided -Stand for Liberty, and refuse to send any more blood over the pond to -the Kyhidom fleas, but to _remember their own_ who were brought up with -them, and were _blood of their blood_. And it was so that these words -prevailed, and the Canisville dogs did refuse to send any more blood. - -So the Kyhidom fleas went home and reported the gross insult and -grievous injury they had received, which moved the whole of Kyhidom to -anger; and the fleas told the dogs of the insolence and wickedness of -their cousins beyond the pond; and the dogs were even more angry than -the fleas, for they had been for many generations schooled and drilled -by the fleas in the sound and profitable (to the fleas) doctrine that an -injury to one flea is the concern of all dogs. - -Therefore the dogs got on their Dignity—which was all in their hind -legs—and cried aloud that the National Honor had been insulted, and -the National Flag had been dirtied, and the face of Providence had been -flown in, and His Majesty, King Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, had been -treasoned against; and some fleas cried “Down with the Canisvillians,” -which cry was taken up by the dogs, who howled “Down with the -Canisvillians,” until they were hoarse, though who the Canisvillians -were and where they dwelt, few of the dogs knew, and what they had -done still fewer had any idea; but all knew it felt good to shout, and -was, withal, well pleasing to the fleas. So they all ran and asked the -fleas to lend them files to sharpen their teeth and claws with, and -demanded that the fleas pick out the most valiant dogs to lead them -across the pond, that they might tear out the eyes and bowels of the -vile Canisville dogs, who had dared to insult and rob their dearly -beloved fleas, and treason against His Superbly Serene and Supersacred -Majesty, Gorgeous Littlehead Flea, by the Grace of God King of Kyhidom -and defender of All Wrong and Bad Faith. - -And the fleas said the conduct and high spirit of the dogs were -exceedingly commendable and showed the highest Patriotism. And they gave -sanction for the dogs to sharpen their teeth and claws, and to go over -the pond to tear out the eyes and bowels of the Canisville dogs. The -fleas, moreover, said thus unto them: “Good dogs; brave dogs; it is a -grand and glorious thing to fight and die for our Hearths and Homes, as -ye are about to go and do by ripping up those of the dogs beyond the -water; it is meet that ye take our National Honor and our National Flag -and go wash out their stains in the blood of their insulters, as your -forefathers and foregrandfathers have done thousands of times before. -Bear with you and ever jealously guard those sacred Junk, for it takes -so very, very little to dirty them, and so very, very much blood to -cleanse them. Ours is a Just Cause and will command the blessing of -Heaven, which has never failed to bless the strong claws and teeth of -the dogs of Kyhidom, to the discomfiture of weaker dogs. But, dear dogs, -we must ALL do our duty; an occasion like the present calls for -_sacrifice_ from _every one_. In this solemn hour, and face to face with -DUTY, let _no one_ shirk to do his uttermost share in aid of the Common -Cause. In this solemn Crisis, we cannot _all_ go to the field; some -_must_ remain at home; but whether we go to the field or remain at home, -each can nobly bear his part. We are not equally gifted; some have the -teeth and the claws, and some have the Means; we need both equally; the -Means without the teeth and claws, is utterly useless, the teeth and -claws without the Means can do but little, but with both united and the -Blessing of God, all things are possible. _We_ have the Means and _you_ -have the teeth and claws; let us then, with an eye single to the glory -of Our Common Country, join our gifts in a Common Sacrifice and lay them -both on our Country’s Altar; ye shall, with your teeth and claws, go to -the fight, and we will stay home and find the Means to send you and -maintain you in the fight; and ye can repay us when ye come back; but if -ye come not back, why then, your children, and your children’s children -can repay us. We will not be hard upon you, we will Loan the Means, we -will Advance it, and we will call it your DEBT which ye may owe forever -and ever, provided ye or your children pay us a little for it every -year. - -“Then go to the war, good dogs, and the Lord be with you, and we will -stay home with the Lord and Manage the country for you.” - -And all the dogs gnashed their newly sharpened teeth and howled again, -“Down with the Canisvillians,” “God save our Noble Fleas,” and “Long -live King Gorgeous Littlehead Flea.” - -But when they arrived in the land of the Canisvillians, and proceeded, -with the Blessing of God, to tear out their eyes and their bowels, those -Canisville dogs also showed surprisingly large teeth and dreadfully -sharp and strong claws; whereupon the blessing of God did go over to -their side, and they did amazingly wallop the life out of the Kyhidom -dogs, insomuch that all that were not dead ran howling down to the pond -and swam away home, and did no more venture to come back. - -Then did the dogs of Canisville feel highly elated at having walloped -the dogs of Kyhidom, and kept on barking and barking about their -victory, and saying they could do it again, and they wished some of -those Kyhis would come back again to be walloped. All which great -joy and elation their own native fleas, being fleas of subtlety, did -turn to their own profit; for they, seeing that dogs always like to -be pushed in the way they want to go, ordained certain Remembrance -Days to be observed through all the land, on which days the dogs -should have flattering looking glasses held up to them, should be sung -to and made poetry to, and orated at, and have incense burned for -the gratification of their nostrils. There was “Defiance to Kyhidom -Day,” and “The Awful Walloping Day,” and “Kyhi Skedaddle Day,” and -“Get-Along-all-by-Ourselves Day,” and “Slain Dogs Day” and a host of -other Days on which the dogs told one another and the fleas told them -what grand, noble and gloriously independent dogs they were, that -would never, no never, endure the tyrant on their soil, or suffer any -bobtailed, measly, foreign dog to boss it over them. - -And it was so that they grew so ineffably conceited and vain, by reason -of eternally Remembering themselves and admiring their own features, -that they quite forgot the fleas on their own backs. So the fleas had -good fat times and were little disturbed; and in the inmost sanctuary of -their own private gatherings they did knowingly wink the eye and say -that for enabling dogs to Forget their own Rights the Remembrance Days -beat all Creation. - - - - -CHAPTER III. - - UNPROFITABLE VICTORY.—PLAGUE OF FLEAS.—DESPERATE - CONDITION OF THE DOGS. - - -[Illustration] - -NOW the poor fool dogs of Canisville had been told by their own fleas -that victory over the wicked dogs of Kyhidom meant Freedom, Liberty, -Equality, Fraternity, Prosperity, Universal Wealth, Heaven, to -themselves; and they believed them. But it did not. On the contrary, -Freedom, Liberty, Equality, etc., etc., gradually vanished like a -setting sun, and a great plague of itch, came upon all the dogs; and -from the rising of the sun until the going down thereof, and until his -rising again, the dogs scratched and scratched and abraded themselves -against walls and posts, and howled and barked and barked and barked -about the “Good old times” when all dogs were healthy and lustrous of -coat. - -And the dogs grew thin and lank and mangy looking. Their eyes grew -lustreless, and their ribs could be counted by the naked eye at quite -a distance. Their ears hung down; their spirit departed; and only when -some specially venomous flea gave a dog a specially venomous nip did -he awake from his listlessness; with a quick explosive yelp he would -suddenly flop on the ground and cause his hind leg to vibrate with the -rapidity of a suddenly released spring. - -But as for the fleas they prospered in an inverse ratio to the dogs. All -the qualities of the dogs seemed to be transferred to them. As the dogs -grew thin the fleas grew fat and plump. As the dogs grew listless the -fleas grew lively. As a total aggregate of dog and flea there seemed to -be no loss of volume; for what one lost the other seemed to gain. The -average of blood, vitality and energy seemed about as before; and to -the outside spectator, it made no difference; but it was another matter -entirely with the constituent parts; for the only part of this society -that was abundantly satisfied was the fleas, and the only part that was -not at all satisfied was the dogs. - -[Illustration] - -And it came to pass that the dogs became possessed, seemingly, of a -desire to work harder. Everyone now frenziedly tore around, scratching -in gutters for any kind of dirty eatables, nosing in garbage barrels and -keeping up an incessant trot in search of something to eat. Moreover -they seemed to become possessed of the devil. Their tempers went sour, -and they seemed to be perpetually on the hunt for a fight. Let but one -dog be found munching a bone, and instantly half-a-dozen others, with -growls, would rush upon him and compel him to let go, only to snarl, and -rage and battle for it amongst themselves; from which conflict several -would emerge bleeding, torn and ragged. And the more they fought and -squabbled for bones and scraps, the scarcer the bones and scraps seemed -to grow. The dogs were always hungry, and in spite of their utmost -efforts many fell by the wayside and died of starvation; and the wail of -the hungry ones nightly went up to heaven. - -[Illustration] - -Why was all this? Nobody seemed to know, save a few old fogy dogs who -remembered the good time of the reign of the departed chieftain, Bull -McMastiff. _They_ said that there were as many bones and scraps in the -community as ever there were; yea, that there were more than ten times -as many as in McMastiff’s reign. _They_ said that the real reason was -that every dog had become so thickly settled with fleas, that, no matter -how hard and how many hours a day he hunted for food, he could never -get enough to nourish himself, because the fleas he carried _ate him -up_ and so continually sucked his blood, that they kept him always thin -and on the very edge of starvation. Said they: “Behold the fleas; they -toil not, neither do they spin, neither do they hunt after bones, nor do -any manner of work on the Sabbath, nor on any other day, for a living; -and yet, verily, not a dog in all his plumpness in the good old times, -was half so plump as one of these. Behold how easy be the times these -suckers have; the body which maintains them carries them around, and is, -in all respects, their most humble and obedient servant.” - -[Illustration] - -But the bare-ribbed, hungry and flea-ridden mob of dogs derided these -wise old stagers and mockingly cried out to them, “Go up, ye bald heads; -what do ye know about these things?” “Shut up your jaw!” “Pull down your -vest!” “Shoot them teeth!” and other such ribald remarks. Therefore -the wise old dogs did shut up, and did no more try the impossible job -of teaching fools. And in a few more years they drew up their feet and -gave up the ghost; and the community had rest from their unwelcome -prophesying. - -[Illustration] - -But _the miseries of the dogs did not abate with the death of those who -told them what the matter was_. Every day the police dogs reported that -they had discovered another one either dying or dead of starvation; and -then the dogs ran together and called a confab, which they named an -“inquest.” And the “inquest” was a solemn ceremony where a dozen or more -dogs, each blind in one eye, headed by another dog called a “Coroner” -—also blind in one eye and weak in the other—looked the dead dog all -over and then said: “Natural causes;” “Visitation of God;” “Anæmia;” -“Atrophy;” “Cardialgia;” “_Vacuity of the_ _Alimentary Canal_,” and -then ordered somebody to bury him in the sacred place of dogs called the -“Field of the Potter.” - -But it was several times noticed that no “inquest” was ever held over -a flea. When a flea died he was always in bed, surrounded by a coming -and going host of his sorrowing pulician friends, and attended by a -peculiar set of creatures called “Emdees.” who did all they could to -retard his death. And when he was dead they all signed an elaborately -ornamented paper called a “certificate,” which set forth that the -“late lamented” sucker had “deceased” and “passed away” and “gone to -Heaven” by reason of the highly respectable complaint known as “Abnormal -Enlargement of the Paunch,” and recommended him to the gracious notice -and distinguished consideration of the angels. - - - - -CHAPTER IV. - - PIETY’S PHILOSOPHY OF POVERTY.—ANDRONICUS CARNIVOROUS - AND HIS GLORY. - - -[Illustration] - -THINGS went from bad to worse among the dogs. It became the universal -thing for dogs to be hungry and coatless and to go about weary, languid -and sore distressed. - -But what was worst of all, there was arising in the community a -sentiment that for dogs to be hungry, coatless, weary, languid and sore -distressed was the natural and normal condition; that this condition was -ordained and fixed by some higher power against which it was blasphemy -to contend or even to murmur. Yea, one poor fool of a dog, who said he -had been to a place called a “Church,” where the fleas got together -one day in every seven to hear a renegade dog bark to them for a good -basketful of meat, got up and told them that he had seen the said -barking dog, whose name he thought, if he remembered rightly, was Tee -de Little Wit Blatherskite, turn over the leaves of some big book or -other that lay on a costly cushion, and then tell the fleas, in a very -loud voice, that inside that big book it was written, in big letters, -that some very great person, called Jesus, or some such name, did in a -far-away country, a very many hundreds of years ago, once say to some -friends of his “the poor ye have always with you,” and that that meant -that it was and always would be God’s will that dogs should be poor, and -lank, and hungry, and covered with fleas. And he said that it was the -evident design of God himself that dogs were created expressly for the -purpose of carrying and nourishing fleas. That God, who had done all -things well, had seen fit in his wisdom to create for his own glory both -dogs _and_ fleas, in order that the fleas, having sucked nearly all the -blood out of the dogs, might show their “Charity” in giving back to them -a few drops now and then. - -[Illustration] - -And he told them a most beautiful and touching story of how one -Andronicus Carnivorous, a certain well-known sucker, who, originally, -came over the pond from North Kyhidom and settled amongst them, had -grown monstrously big and strong on the blood of poor dogs, after having -sucked some scores of millions of drops out of thousands of them, had -on a certain day before high heaven and the assembled priesthood, and -with the burning of incense and the applause of a great mob whose voice -was as the sound of many waters, most generously and magnificently -given fifty thousand drops back again to be distributed by a committee -of lady fleas, amongst the “most worthy and deserving poor,” and five -hundred thousand drops more to the “Church” to be expended on a new -organ, a new, big, golden cross on top of the steeple, and some windows -of stained glass, and a big brass plate in the most prominent part of -the “Church” stating for all posterity, the name of the great sucker who -gave it. All of which showed that the said eminent sucker, although he -did not, alas, and unfortunately, believe in the God of the fleas, was a -most pious saint, who humbly regarded his great wealth as a trust, and -was endeavoring to give a good account of his stewardship. - -And he told them what a great and brilliant light this Saint Andronicus -had shed over all the town and country of the Canisvillians, and how, -by his illustrious example he had shown the only true and honorable -way of getting up from nothing to the highest pinnacle of wealthy -comfort—which was by “organizing” great bodies of dogs to build him -a high pyramid of dying dogs for him to climb up and feed on as he -climbed; how by his enormous diligence and ability in “acquiring” he -had come to own many mansions and palaces here below; how by strict -methodical habits and careful husbanding of time he had been able to -snatch a few moments from his arduous duties of trotting around from -mansion and palace to palace and mansion enjoying himself, to write -beautiful sermons on the true way of distributing the results of dog -phlebotomy—it was, he said, to take the blood of the dogs he had -exhausted, and carry it many miles away (from three to ten thousand) -and there pour it out into a long trough, and whistle to any and all -dogs living thereabouts to come, without money and without price and -lap it up. “Thus,” said he, “do I fulfill the great Natural Law of the -Circulation of the Blood; the dogs who yield it see it no more, and -strange dogs who yield it not get it all—save the tribute I take from -it for the maintenance of me and mine. Thus do I make brethren of all -the world of dogs and all is well, and Saint Andronicus is glorified.” - -He had also so far descended from his high glory as to write by proxy -a beautiful book of trashy platitudes, entitled “Triumphant Dogocracy” -which set forth and proved that the dogs of Canisville were the fattest, -freest, happiest and most prosperous dogs in all the world, and that -their fatness, freedom and prosperity were all owing to the fact that, -since the driving out of the dogs of Kyhidom and the abolition of the -sending of blood over the pond to nourish the Absentee Fleas, and the -destruction of the system of _not allowing dogs to consent_ to being -bled by the fleas, they had established the self governing system of -_permitting them to consent_, and allowing the fleas to go over the pond -and take the dogs’ blood with them. All which demonstrated the glorious -advantage of having abolished the system of Tweedledum and of having -established that of Tweedledee. - -Nevertheless the said most estimable Andronicus had been unfortunately -compelled to allow sundry of his own dogs to receive fatherly -chastisement because they had become restive under several extra bites -he had proposed to give them for their good. - -And the barking dog in peroration said, “Whom the Lord loveth he -chasteneth; even so hath Saint Andronicus done unto those he loved, that -they may not again err from the path of duty.” - -And all the little dogs, who sat on the “free seats” all around the -“Church,” wagged their little tails and barked pleasantly; and all the -assembled fleas stroked their fat paunches contentedly, and said that -they had heard that morning a most powerful gospel sermon, and that -their salaried barker was a true prophet of God. - - - - -CHAPTER V. - - THE “BATTLE OF LIFE.”—PUP MCPOODLE’S WICKED - REIGN.—INVENTION OF THE PROTECTIVTARIF.—HOW IT - WAS WORKED.—CONSTRUCTION OF THE BLOOD AND BONES - GRINDERY.—SINGULAR BLOOD. - - -[Illustration] - -AT last it came to pass by reason of having forgotten that there ever -had been better days than they now saw that the dogs grew to believe -that the state of things they lived under was the only true and natural -one. True, they grew bad tempered and fierce and bit and tore one -another in their daily “Battle of Life.” True, every dog tried to -snatch the meat out of every other dog’s mouth, and true, many a dog -was murdered for the sake of any scrap of food he had succeeded in -“saving up” and had “put by for a rainy day.” True, canine society had -become a hell upon earth, where every dog took for his motto, “Every -dog for himself, and the devil take the hindmost,” but not one among -them ever dreamed of doubting that their state was according to natural -pre-ordination. Thus they came to regard the rule of strength, craft, -cunning and good luck as the proper one, because the only one; and to -this they squared their lives and their philosophy. - -Their chief, Pup McPoodle, “stood in” with the fleas, and on condition -that his own body should be free, he undertook to use his power as -chief to make it easier for them to suck the blood of the rest of the -community. He walked in more evil ways than any evil dog that ever -reigned before him. He revived all the abominations of the heathen whom -the Lord cast out, and burnt incense unto strange gods and worshipped -devils, and being tempted of these, he called a council of the hungriest -and thirstiest of the fleas, and they did devise and invent a wicked -instrument of torture called a “Protectivtarif.” It was a machine -having a nice bed on which a dog was laid, and an upper portion called -a “dooty” which was worked with a long handle called a “government,” -which was invisible to all but the operators, but which when properly -operated brought down the “dooty” upon the dog with variously regulated -degrees of squeeze and crush, ranging from twenty-five to one hundred -and fifty pounds per square inch, and which caused the dog to howl and -his blood to squirt out far more rapidly than the fleas could extract it -by ordinary suction. - -But over the use of this instrument the fleas got to disagreement and -bickering. For there were those who said that the higher pressures -were destructive of profit to the fleas, as they nearly killed the -dog and prevented him making new blood; that the lower pressures -alone were profitable economically. But the others said, “No, the -higher the pressure the better for the dog;” for they had invented a -Rule-of-Contrary Magnifying Glass that had a most astonishing property, -when looked through, of making a dog appear bigger and plumper and more -prosperous, the more he was flattened out. Argufy as they might, the -Low Pressure fleas could not get the High Pressure fleas to look at -the squeezed dogs with the naked eye. For answer the High Pressurists -rolled up their eyes most piously and said that the invention of the -Glass was the Gift of God, sent down from Heaven to look at dogs with, -and it would never do to despise the Gift by blasphemously doing -without it, and looking at facts with sinful natural eyes. And the High -Pressurists did prevail in argument, for they were more powerful than -the Low Pressurists, and kept up the high pressure against the protests -of the Low Pressurists, so that many dogs had the ghost squeezed out of -them and died. - -And then with the help of this instrument the fleas went off and -invented another called a “Trust,” the wickedness of which can only be -fully expressed in Satanese. And other base dogs seeing that the only -way to get freedom themselves was to help the fleas to suck the rest, -went and licked the feet of McPoodle, and became his courtiers and aided -and abetted him in bringing their fellow dogs under the power of the -fleas. - -Then did some of the biggest and fattest of the fleas gather themselves -together, and put their wits together to devise a most wondrous scheme -of prosperity to themselves. Said they, “Lo! These dogs be jackasses -most foolish. They act not together, neither bark they in unison. Though -they be exceeding strong and we be but weak, _we can do just as we -please with them_, for we have wit and they have strength which _they -know not how to use_. We will put on them therefore ‘as much as they -will bear.’ We know how far we dare go; and if any out-of-date fool, -with such a piece of antiquated old furniture as a heart within him, -shall dare to remonstrate with us we will say, ‘The dogs be damned.’” - -And it was so that they ordered McPoodle to order his slaves to build -them a big Mill with a great, wide, deep hopper to it, which Mill was -turned with a long Handle that went exceedingly hard and creaky for want -of oil. And McPoodle set a lot of his courtier and lickspittle dogs -called “Chuckers-in” to catch and chuck other dogs into the hopper; -and got a lot of very hungry dogs for a promise of reward to turn the -Handle so that the poor dogs thrown in were ground up body and bones, -and their blood ran out by a big Spout into a big Tank below, around -which sat a large company of big fleas—who called themselves “The -Brethren,” chief of whom was Andronicus Carnivorous—drinking blood by -wholesale; a method which they said was a great improvement over the -slow one of boring for it with the old-fashioned stiletto, and raising -it with the suction pump, and was much less laborious and more reliable. - -This blood was of a very peculiar appearance, for its corpuscles were -very large and quite visible to the naked eye. They were disk shaped, -and when held up to the light showed most singular markings on both -sides. On one side there seemed to be the figure of a head and bust of a -female of the human species, having on a ridiculous looking night cap, -on which was the word “Liberty,” and on the other side of the disk were -some words that the learned said were “In God we Trust,” the meaning of -which nobody was able to make out. How the corpuscles came to have those -strange markings nobody knew, but a few of the more daring hazarded the -conjecture that they were due to a surviving taint in the blood of some -old time religion that had gone out of fashion and been forgotten. But -the greedy drinkers of the blood said these peculiarities did not at all -derogate from the goodness of the flavor of it. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. - - WEARINESS OF THE GRINDERS.—GROWING GREED - OF THE MONSTROUS FLEAS.—CONUNDRUMS.—THE - SANGUINOMETER.—PHARAOH PHRIQUE.—STRIKE OF THE - DOGS.—THEIR DEFEAT.—GROANING FOR A SAVIOR. - - -[Illustration] - -NOW the dogs did grind and sweat eighteen hours a day at the Mill, -and the fleas around the Tank at the bottom had high old times, and -said that the lines had fallen unto them in pleasant places and they -had a goodly heritage. But they were very considerate of the dogs at -the Handle, and to reward them for their grinding, did smear a little -spoon quite liberally with the Blood in the Tank, and did send up the -spoon for them to lick, but with strict injunctions that they were to -regard the gift as something to be thankful for, in that Capital had -condescended to set up a Mill in their midst and had vouchsafed to -give them employment at the Handle thereof; and they added the further -injunction that they were not to stop turning the Handle, but to lick -the spoon as they turned. - -But the dogs did frequently grow weary, and often one would fall down -fainting: whereupon the fleas ordered the chuckers-in to chuck him into -the hopper and run for another to take his place at the Handle, which -caused the other Handle turners to turn with double diligence, in the -deadly fear of being thrown in themselves. But the fleas who sat below -and drank the Blood grew bigger and bigger and bigger, until they were -all paunch; so big and fat and full did they become that their skins -glistened with very tightness; and had some one pricked them with a pin, -they would have exploded with a loud report. But the fuller and tighter -they grew the more savagely and ferociously hungry did they grow; and -when the dogs grew weary at the Handle and the Stream of Blood slowed -down slightly, they sent up fierce messages to them wanting to know why -the Satan they didn’t turn, and what in the Everlasting Profundo they -meant by it, and did they not know that they were cheating and robbing -their masters; and what were dogs coming to nowadays, anyway? - -To all of which deep conundrums the dogs could find no answer but to -wake up and grind with hysteric fury; and the more furious grinding gave -a temporarily thicker stream of Blood below, which only whetted the -appetite of the fleas, so that the thicker Stream had then to be kept -up, otherwise the fleas did send up the savage conundrums to the dogs at -the Handle. - -At last, however, the dogs became so faint with the unrequited turning -that the Stream very greatly slowed down, which very greatly quickened -up the anger of the Brethren, who not only sent up doubly savage -conundrums, but an announcement that they were losing terribly in their -income; that instead of being very full and very tight, they were -merely full, and were going rapidly down hill to bankruptcy and ruin; -and that they really, out of simple justice to themselves, could not -afford to smear the little spoon so liberally; but would be compelled in -future to smear it according to an instrument called a “Sliding Scale -Readjuster,”—a new Sanguinometer, the invention of Saint Andronicus -Carnivorous and Pharaoh Phrique, two very eminent Brethren—which, when -put under the Stream, showed with the utmost accuracy, when and how much -the allowance to the Handle turners must be _reduced_. - -This marvelous and unique instrument had two faces, one of which was -towards the Brethren around the Tank and the other towards the grinders -at the Handle. On that facing the fleas was registered only the _rise_ -of the stream, and on that facing the grinders were registered only the -_downward fluctuations of the rise_. The readings of this impartial -instrument, said the fleas, should determine the rise and fall of the -allowance to the Handle turners; whenever the reading showed a rise, the -wages should go _up_, but whenever the reading showed a fall the wages -should go _down_. But as the register of the rise was always invisible -to the dogs, and the fleas were scrupulously dumb as to what they -saw, the Sanguinometer never _showed_ a rise, but always the downward -fluctuations; therefore the licks at the spoon were always reduced. So -the dogs did groan by reason of the Sanguinometer. - -Moreover, the fleas, having given ear unto the wise counsel of Pharaoh -Phrique and Saint Andronicus (who said, however, that he was a modest -flea and a flea of reputation, and did not want the honor of appearing -in the matter), issued an edict that henceforth each and every dog that -had the gracious privilege of being allowed to help turn the Handle -must, on entering the service, cut off two toes and throw them into the -hopper, as an initiation fee and an evidence of good faith towards the -company below, said two toes or their equivalent to be returned to the -depositor when he left the service at the Handle—if he ever did. - -At which the dogs lifted up their voices and wept sore; but weeping did -not save them; for the fleas told the chuckers-in to tell the grinders -that there were crowds of hungry dogs around the corner, standing ready -and anxious to take their places at the Handle and willing to give three -toes for the privilege. Which was all true; for in spite of the awful -hunger of the dogs at the Handle, and their common fate of dropping down -faint and being thrown into the hopper, there were hundreds of pinched -and meagre dogs, who sat around on their haunches casting covetous and -envious glances at the workers, and hoping to see some fall; yea, so -eagerly anxious were they for a chance at the Handle, to earn a little -lick at the spoon, that when they saw one growing faint and ready to -fall, they would all rush forward and fight amongst themselves to be -first to be taken on by the chuckers-in; and it became the common -practice of almost everyone to creep up behind any fainting dog and -slyly pinch his tail or bite his leg, in order to make him faint quicker -and let go of the Handle. - -So the grinding dogs, finding themselves helpless, did cut off two toes -and fling them into the hopper, and ground and groaned and wept, and got -their little lick at the smeared spoon, and fainted by scores, and were -mercilessly flung into the hopper. And the Brethren around the Tank grew -bigger and fuller and tighter every day; and as the Stream grew thicker -and thicker, they grew more querulous and angry at the pesky laziness of -good-for-nothing dogs that could not be encouraged to diligence, no, not -by “good wages” and a steady position at the Handle; and they sent up -more savage conundrums, wanting to know why the two Satans they didn’t -turn, and what in the two Everlasting Profundos they meant by robbing -and cheating their masters and driving them to bankruptcy? - -To all of which the dogs at the Handle replied that they had reached -the limit of canine endurance, and would stop the turning of the Handle -unless the company of Brethren would raise their allowance of blood to -the standard of the old liberal smearing of the little spoon, and -abolish the requisition of two toes to the hopper. To which the fleas -angrily made reply that the dogs at the Handle might all go to the -bottom of the Everlastingist Profundo, for they would put other more -docile and appreciative dogs at the Handle. - -[Illustration] - -Whereupon the dogs struck, and the Handle came to rest, and the Blood -Stream stopped. But the fleas sat patiently around the Tank and -leisurely drank themselves full, and sent for the other hungry dogs that -anxiously sat around; and the other dogs did come, and were set upon -and worried and wounded by the original grinders. But the chuckers-in -and the police dogs did help the new dogs and slew divers of the first -Handle turners and finally routed them. Then did the first Handle -turners go meekly crawling on their bellies to the company of the -fleas, and humbly confess their sins and beg to be reinstated at the -Handle. But the company deigned not to speak unto them, but sent out -unto them Brother Pharaoh Phrique, who lifted up his nose high in the -air, and said unto them: “Well; what will ye?” And the dogs cast down -their eyes and hugged the dust with their bellies and answered: “That -thy bondservants may find favor in thy sight and be reinstated at the -Handle.” But Pharaoh’s heart was hardened like unto armor plate, and -he said: “Not so, ye wicked dogs; faithless and perverse generation of -dogs, despisers of our goodness and mercy; ye shall in no wise return -to your positions at the Handle, save and unless ye shall be content to -receive as wages no more Blood than can be carried upon the point of a -needle, and shall first contribute five toes to the hopper, and execute -a contract to fling into the Mill all the little bow-wows that shall -henceforth be born unto you.” - -And all the dogs, with sighs and wailing and grievous lamentations, did -consent, and went and turned the Handle and groaned for a Savior. - - - - -CHAPTER VII. - - THE GREAT IDEA.—COMBINATION TO AGREE.—THE WHITE - LABEL.—“LENGTHEN THE HANDLE.”—FORMATION OF THE WHITE - LEG ASSOCIATION.—GRACIOUS RECEPTION OF THE IDEA BY THE - MONSTROUS FLEAS. - - -[Illustration] - -IT came to pass one day when the Handle went more heavily than usual, -that one dog was seen to jump up from his work with a yelp as though -bitten by ten thousand fleas all at once. His eyes rolled in a fine -frenzy; he rolled over and over on the ground and turned somersaults by -the dozen. All the dogs at the Handle were temporarily paralyzed with -consternation, and dropped work to inquire what was amiss. “What’s the -matter?” said one of the crowd to him; but he only yelped the harder and -turned more somersaults. “He’s gone crazy with hunger,” said they; “we -must put him in the madhouse;” and they seized him by the ears and the -tail for to take him there; which caused him suddenly to come back to -sobriety. - -“Brethren,” said he, “while turning at that infernal Handle I was -suddenly seized with an Idea. It is a grand Idea; it is none other than -how we may ameliorate the cruel lot of the grinders at the Handle and -raise our wages.” - -“Raise our wages?” they all cried in astonishment, letting go of the -Handle. “Oh tell us how, and tell us quickly.” - -“Well,” said he, “you see, it stands to Common Sense that if all dogs -would combine and agree not to turn that Handle for less than so much a -day, those big bloats would have to give it us or suffer the cessation -of the Stream.” - -“That’s so; so it is,” cried the other dogs in astonishment; “we never -thought of that; why, that must be one of those Revelations, those deep -abstrusities which the philosophers call ‘Axioms’—self-evident truths. -And only to think it was given to a common dog to make the discovery! -But canst thou tell us, oh wonderful discoverer, how we may all combine, -with all those other dogs around us who cannot get a chance at the -Handle? That is a problem, beside the complexity of which the Great -Truth is simplicity itself.” - -“Oh, ye simpletons,” said the dog with the Idea, “these things are -hidden from the wise and prudent and are revealed unto pups. The thing -is self-evidently simple. All we require is simply _that all dogs shall -agree_.” - -“But,” said the other dogs, “how art thou going to get the outside dogs -to agree not to turn except for so much, when now they neither turn nor -get a lick; it is simply asking a dog to abstain from doing what he -hasn’t done, and is not going to do. The agreement can only interest -_those at the Handle_, while it does not interest the others who want to -be there but cannot get there.” - -“Well,” said the dog with the Idea, “we at the Handle must keep up _our_ -wages, anyhow; so I propose that _we_ make the agreement and that, as a -mark to be known by, each dog that agrees, have a white label bound on -his right hind leg; and we will further agree that whomsoever has not on -the ‘White Label’ shall be called a Black Leg and be worried and cast -away from the Handle.” - -But there arose another dog, and said he had an Idea, too, that was much -better. Said he: “Suppose all of us do adopt the White Label, and do -live up to the solemn agreement—which is not probable—what will it -avail us to worry and cast away from the Handle all those that have not -the White Label, when there are so many more dogs who through hunger -will jump in to take their places? _We can’t worry them all._ My Idea is -to lengthen the Handle so that all the unemployed dogs can catch on and -help to turn.” - -But some said, “What good would that do? You could not make it long -enough to give every dog a place; and besides, the Handle belongs to -the Mill, and the Mill belongs to the fleas, and they won’t permit it to -be lengthened, so that settles it.” - -“Well, then,” replied the other dog, “let us agree to work fewer hours -so as to put some of the unemployed at the Handle; average things, as to -speak.” - -“Bow-wow wow-wow!” barked all the other dogs in chorus. “What! Put -ourselves on half time for unemployed dogs! Why, we don’t make a living -as it is on full time. Thou art no friend of ours. Want _us_ to reduce -_our_ wages, do you? Out with him!” And they worried _him_ and cast -_him_ out. - -And it was so that they did agree; and each dog did bind on his right -hind leg a White Label and they called themselves the Great United Order -of White-Legged Handle Turners, and called themselves “White Legs” for -short. - -By this time the big bloats around the Tank, having perceived that -the Mill was going very slowly on account of the grinders’ attention -being taken up with the Agreement, sent up to them a terrible conundrum -wanting to know why the half-a-dozen Satans they didn’t grind, and -what in half-a-dozen Everlasting Profundos they meant by robbing their -employers by such laziness. - -But when it was told them that the grinders had been taking a recess -to hold a mysterious confab, and that all the Handle Turners had white -badges on their right hind legs, they called down several of the dogs -and demanded of them what this new thing should mean? And one of the -dogs meekly answered that they had formed an Association of White Legs, -and that the purpose of the said Association was to petition the big -fleas at the Tank to raise their allowance of blood to the old standard -of the good licks at the liberally smeared spoon, when they first began -to turn the Handle. - -And the big fleas said that was all right, and it did them great -credit to wish to better their condition, and that provided they -confined their efforts to mutual help, and to making their members more -honest, industrious and well behaved, and to improving their minds -in their leisure hours, and didn’t go to _demanding_ more blood, but -left the raising of their allowance entirely to the good judgment and -good-heartedness of their employers, and didn’t go to violating the -inalienable rights of their employers to shove away from the Handle any -objectionable dog, or the inalienable rights of the unlabelled dogs to -take their places at the Handle and to make free contracts as free-born -dogs should, and didn’t conspire to incite to breaches of the Blood and -Bones Grinding Laws, but confined themselves to peaceful methods and the -use of moral suasion, why, they would have their hearty good wishes for -their prosperity, and everything would be lovely. - -So the dogs returned to their fellows and reported the gracious -reception they had met with, and all the White Legs rejoiced and went -back to their grinding with a will and with new hopes in their hearts. -But though the dogs turned for many days, they found things go on just -as usual; they turned and ground and fainted and were thrown into the -hopper, but their allowance was not raised, although they sent down many -humble petitions to the fleas to raise it. - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. - - BARREN HOPES.—THE HANDLE TIED UP.—DEFEAT OF THE WHITE - LEGS BY THE BLACK LEGS AND THE PINK EYED DOGS.—INVENTION - OF THE WILL OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER.—THE INVENTION - GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTED BY THE FLEAS.—SANGUINE HOPES. - - -SO at last the White Leg dogs, weary unto death with waiting for the -fruit which came not on the barren fig tree of the big fleas’ “hearty -good wishes,” resolved that they would _demand_ a larger allowance. - -Therefore they sent down some of the big and bold dogs, to tell the -fleas around the Tank that unless they would restore their allowance -to what it was at first, and abolish the contribution of toes, and the -chucking in of fainting dogs, and would grease the bearings of the -Handle, and reduce the number of their working hours, and refuse to -employ any dog that had not on the White Label, and would do and not do, -many other things most astonishing to the fleas, the dogs would all take -their White Labels and twist them all together into a most unbreakable -rope, and therewith tie up the Handle with such unheard-of and untieable -knots, that nobody on earth save the White Legs, would be able to -release it. Whereupon the Mill would stop, and the Stream would dry up, -and the fleas would collapse, and other great miseries would come upon -them. Therefore it behooved them to listen to reason, and grant their -reasonable requests ere it were too late, and the Handle were tied up. - -But the fleas showed no alarm and went on filling themselves. They -simply turned towards Pharaoh Phrique, and said: “Brother Phrique, -thou art learned in all the learning of the Egyptian taskmasters. -Thou art a skillful hide skinner and dog walloper, and well versed in -the secret art of squelching insolence and ill behavior. Thou wast -our trusty counsel in our late fight with these dogs, before they -got this White Label craze, and thou didst bring us through it with -honor and dividends. Thou wast our High Tower, our Shield and Hiding -Place, whereunto we ran and were safe—all save our beloved Andronicus -Carnivorous, who gat himself over the pond for hiding. We trust thee; -deal with them as seemeth thee good.” - -So Pharaoh hardened his heart as aforetime, and spake thus unto the -dogs: “Dogs that ye are; insolent despisers of your precious privileges. -I chastened you once before, thinking to bring your erring feet into -the path of duty and wisdom. But ye are a stiff-necked and perverse -generation. Ye have heaped sin upon sin. Not content with having tried -to rob us before, ye have formed a Union, which is to commit the -Unpardonable Sin. Get out of this, therefore; vamose the ranch; put; -scoot; absquatulate; skedaddle, and make yourselves scarce; for I swear -that even as our brother Webbfoot and Brother Gold Jay, and other of -our brethren did chastise _their_ dogs once, I will chastise you. Yea, -I will so grind and crush you that the whole world shall hear the sound -thereof, for I, Pharaoh Phrique, have said it. Tie up the Handle with -your rope of White Labels; it shall be unto me as tow burnt with the -fire; for I will dissolve your Union and scatter the members thereof, -and give your heritage unto the Unlabeled and more obedient Black Legs. -Git!” And he drove them from his presence. - -But the dogs did tie up the Handle, and the Mill did stop, and some of -the catastrophes foretold did happen. But Pharaoh Phrique whistled to -the Black Legs to come and gnaw the rope. And he went by night down to -a secret place in Canisville, called the Devil’s Cheap Bargain Counter, -where certain lewd and ferocious dogs of the baser sort, which had Pink -Eyes that could not bear the sunshine, did for a few scraps of dirty -bread and meat, hire themselves out on foggy and moonless nights to -worry and kill any other dogs that were objectionable to the fleas; and -he paid them handsomely to go by night and secretly get behind the White -Legs and tear them to pieces. - -[Illustration] - -And there was a great fight. The hungry Black Legs fought to untie the -Handle, and the Devil’s Pink Eyed Cheap Bargain Counter Dogs helped -them. And so it came to pass that the White Legs were driven away; and -some hastened to pull off the White Labels and mingle with the Black -Legs, and scrambled to get back to the Handle. - -And at the going down of the sun the rope was broken; and the handle, -untied, was going like mad. And Pharaoh Phrique and the Brethren were -holding a praise meeting around the Tank, and giving God thanks that He -had so signally made bare His mighty arm and scattered their enemies, -who had come so near breaking up the Foundations of Society. - -So the poor dogs, with broken hearts and broken hopes, did grind on and -on for many days, and the victory of the Monstrous Fleas seemed to be -complete. - -It came to pass, however, that a new hope sprang up among the toilers at -the Handle. Owing to their incessant occupation during their long days, -they had no leisure to think, but they gathered together during the -short night to growl and snarl, and damn things in general and greedy -fleas in particular. They schemed and plotted many remedies which all -came to naught. - -But one night, one of the dogs that had a big head and looked to have -wisdom, got up and said: “Brethren, I do perceive that all these violent -methods of rectifying our wrongs do fail. Now, I pray you, consider; we -dogs be many and these fleas be few, why then are we not their masters? -Why are we their slaves? I know that fleas have been divinely ordained -to find us employment, and dogs to serve them, in the Fear of God, for -even so hath the much-salaried barker in the Church of the Fleas,—the -great Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite—told us, and he knoweth -a thing or two about God’s purposes. But, as the same much-salaried -barker also saith, they were ordained to be kind to us and treat us -with justice and mercy. But, brethren, ye know that they do treat us -most devilishly. Now, all this comes to pass because they do not know -how many we are and what we think about them. There’s where it is, -brethren; if we had some regular and orderly method of telling them how -many we are, and what we think of them, they would surely give heed -unto our cries and demands, for we are many—very many. If we could -authoritatively—_authoritatively_, brethren,—state to them our Will, -they would surely ameliorate our lot and treat us with generosity. And -when they have once been made to know what is the Expressed Will of the -Dogs, they will see that it is Public Opinion and will bow to it. Thus, -my brethren, shall we be FREE.” - -And all the other dogs arose on their hind legs and cried in a great -chorus: “It is an Inspiration, it is an Inspiration: it cometh from -Above.” - -And the dog, seeing that his idea was well received, was encouraged and -went on, “Brethren, this idea is far better than the White Label idea, -or that of lengthening the Handle. Those methods are merely empirical -nostrums and expedients, but this is a radical remedy and a perfect -cure. Now behold the application of it. I have invented a device which -I call the ‘Will of the Dogs Expresser.’ It is a little box with a -little slot in the top thereof, and hath a bottom that openeth by way of -a little trap door into a long shute. I propose to fix up the slotted -box right near the Handle of the Mill (with the sanction, of course, -of the owners thereof) so that the long shute shall reach right down -to where the big fleas sit. And it shall be that on certain days (by -permission of the fleas) every dog shall receive a little strip of paper -on which he shall write his Will (if he have one), and shall fold it up -and drop it through the little slot into the little box. And it shall -be that when the little box is full some one shall pull down the little -trap door in the bottom thereof, when the load of papers shall go in a -thundering avalanche down the shute into the midst of the fleas around -the Tank, and they shall know that the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath -spoken. Then shall the fleas sort out the bits of paper, and it shall -be that if there be more bits of paper that will one thing, than there -are that will another thing, then the thing willed on the greater number -shall be done. Thus ye see, my brethren, we may will whatsoever we will, -and the greater will shall be done. Therefore brethren, whatsoever evils -we suffer for the future, will be all due to our own fault.” - -And all the dogs approved the plan, and sent a committee down next day -to the fleas to see if they had any objections to the new invention. -And to the delight of the dogs, the big fleas said they thought -it an excellent idea, that reflected great credit on the inventor -thereof, and he ought to be rewarded by appointment to the place of -Chucker-in-in-Chief at the hopper, and they thought the plan would be -a very healthy form of amusement for the dogs, and would tend to Good -Order and the Stability of Institutions, and they wished all success to -the Expresser. Furthermore, they graciously offered _to do the counting_ -of the papers at the bottom of the shute; and they even went so far as -to graciously condescend to be the Public Servants of the dogs at the -Handle, and do anything the dogs, by their Expresser, might order them -to do, saying that, seeing fleas had all wealth and leisure and power -and respectability, none could be so fit to carry out effectively the -Will of the Dogs. - -But what astounded the dogs with an astonishment that struck them blind -and dumb, was that the fleas begged the dogs to allow them the privilege -of becoming their Equals on the great Paper Dropping Day, and drop -_their_ little Wills into the little box with the little slot in it. - -So the committee returned and reported the gracious way in which they -had been received, the wonderful affability of the fleas, and their -condescension in offering themselves as the Servants of the dogs. - -Whereupon the dogs did rejoice with exceeding great joy that they had at -last found a Sovereign Remedy for their sorrows. - - - - -CHAPTER IX. - - HOW THE WILL OF THE DOGS EXPRESSER WORKED.—THE SOLEMN - MUMMERY COMMITTEE.—HOW IT INQUIRED VERY EXTENSIVELY INTO - THE CONDITION OF THE DOGS.—QUARREL BETWEEN THE HIGH - PRESSURE NIGHUNTOS AND LOW PRESSURE FARAWAYS.—WONDERFUL - DOUBLE BACK ACTION OF THE LITTLE BOX WITH THE LITTLE SLOT - IN IT. - - -[Illustration] - -THEN did the dogs set up the little box with the little slot in it; and -upon a day appointed they went every one and dropped into it little -papers, upon some of which was written that the fleas must inquire -into the hard condition of the dogs, with a view to ameliorating it; -and on some it was written that the fleas need not inquire into their -condition, with a view, etc., for there were some dogs that were afraid -to have a Will, lest it should be known that they had expressed it and -should be discharged from the Handle. - -So when all the papers had been dropped through the slot and the box was -full, the trap in the bottom thereof was pulled, and the load of papers -went down in a thundering avalanche by the shute into the midst of the -fleas. And the fleas sorted them and counted them, and one arose and -said, “Oyez! Oyez! the Will of the Dogs Expresser hath spoken and there -is a Great Majority; and the Great Majority commandeth that we, as their -Public Servants, do forthwith inquire into the hard condition of the -dogs at the Handle, with a view to ameliorating it. We must therefore -bow to the Mandate, and look into their condition, with a view, etc.” - -Thereupon the fleas did immediately appoint a Solemn Mummery Committee -to take with them telescopes and microscopes, spectacles and eye-glasses -to go and look into the condition of the dogs, with a view, etc. And -when the dogs saw them coming they barked propitiatingly and wagged -their tails delightedly to see the fleas come at the Mandate of the -Expresser, and they prophesied great good things of comfort to come of -it. - -[Illustration] - -And the fleas did look into their condition. Some stood afar off and -viewed the grinding dogs through their telescopes, and made notes of -what they saw; and some, with their microscopes got quite near and -closely examined their prominent ribs and sore backs and blood-shot eyes -and their generally measly appearance, and made voluminous notes; while -the rest made general surveys through their spectacles and eye-glasses, -and made notes. - -Thus did the Committee gather a huge Mass of Statistics which they -promised the dogs they would Publish, which promise made the dogs to -dance for joy. - -And after many days the fleas rolled up what they called a Volume, -bulky with Facts and Figures, and fat with Platitudes and Suggestions -concerning the amelioration of the grievous condition of the Handle -Turning Dogs, which the Volume called the Great Question of the Day. - -And the fleas sent up a bill to the dogs which recited that this great -Volume, gotten up for their benefit, had cost the fleas an enormous -amount of time and labor which must be recouped unto them by the dogs, -and that it would require the dogs to grind an hour a day more for one -year. - -So the dogs did grind and sigh an hour a day more, but had great faith -in the Will Expresser which - - “* * * Moved in a mysterious way, - Its wonders to perform.” - - * * * * * - -In process of time there came about a grave quarrel among the fleas -around the Tank, and they began to call each other names. The quarrel -began by those farthest away from the Spout getting jealous of those -that sat nearest thereto, for they said those that sat nigh unto got -a better chance to help themselves to the blood, and consequently -got fatter than those that sat far away, which those sitting nearest -declared to be all nonsense and a libel on their honors. Nevertheless, -it so happened that they _did_ get fatter and bigger than those that -sat farther away; and though they disclaimed violently that their extra -fatness was due to their proximity to the Spout they did not volunteer -to change places with the farther off ones. Therefore the Faraways—who -were nearly all Low Pressurists—began to push and shove to get up near -to the Spout, and the Nighuntos—who were mostly High Pressurists—did -push and shove to maintain their places, not, said they, because they -_wanted_ to sit nigh unto the Spout, but as a matter of Principle, -because they were the lineal descendants of a Grand Old Party of High -Pressure Suckers that had once, a many years before, rushed to the -rescue and salvation of the Spout, when a lot of Low Pressure Suckers, -the lineal ancestors of the present pesky Low Pressurists, had made a -dastardly and traitorous attempt to break it off and cripple the Mill. - -And there was a mighty shoving; and the Nighuntos indignantly said unto -the Faraways, “Whom are ye a shoving of?” And much bad temper was shown, -and upon several occasions divers of them got hurt. - -Then did some of the acute Faraways hit upon a way of strengthening -themselves to shove the Nighuntos away from the Spout and get there -themselves. Said they, “Why not get the dogs to help us to shove?” So -they sent secretly for the inventor of the Will of the Dogs Expresser -and said unto him, “Lo! We be Dog Admirers, and believe that your hard -condition should be ameliorated. It is quite plain to any thinking -mind that your long days of grinding at the Handle and your bloodless -condition are due to those cruelly greedy Nighuntos that sit close up -to the Spout. They are never satisfied. The Tank does not require half -the blood that flows into it. All the rest, these suckers deliberately -appropriate for their own private fattening. - -“Now if _we_ sat near the Spout we would reduce the flow of blood to -the requirements of the Tank, ‘_economically administered_,’ and would -cause all that now unnecessarily flows into it to be given to the dogs -at the Handle, _to whom it rightfully belongs_. Thus will the number of -your hours of toil be reduced. Promise us therefore that the next time -ye use your great and ever blessed Expresser, ye will send a thundering -avalanche of papers down the shute ordering the Nighuntos to get away -from the Spout, and us Faraways to take their places. So shall your hard -condition be ameliorated indeed.” - -And the Inventor, with his tail brandished on high, ran back to his -fellow toilers at the Handle, crying, “Joy! Joy! Deliverance! Behold; -the Faraways, who are our friends, have promised that if we will order -the Nighuntos, by the Will of the Dogs Expresser, to give place at the -Spout to the Faraways, they will administer the Tank and the Spout _in -our interest_.” - -But the Nighuntos got to hear that the Faraways had made a treaty -of mutual help with the dogs. So _they_ sent a delegation up to the -grinders, saying, “Be not deceived; these Faraway Low Pressurists are -frauds. Their love for you is all in our eye. They wish to get nigh unto -the Spout only for to make _themselves_ fat. And what is more, we know -that they are traitors to dogs in general and to you Handle Turners in -particular, for we have discovered that they have been engaged for a -long time in a dastardly plot to break down this Infant Industry of dog -grinding, in which you and we are _mutually interested_, and to uproot -this whole Mill from its foundations, and sell it and the Handle—by -the turning of which ye are maintained in constant employment at high -wages—to your enemies the pauper dogs of Kyhidom, who will thus turn -you out of employment, to wander about seeking for a Handle to turn and -finding none. Therefore, do not listen to the plausible lies they tell; -but remember that Dogs at the Handle and Fleas at the Tank are ONE and -retain us close to the Spout—us, who are its Natural Guardians, and who -were its Shield and Salvation in its Hour of Peril in the time past—and -ye shall have more steady employment than ever. Be wise, and set your -faces as flint against this conspiracy. Let your watchword be “High -Wages and Protection to our Native Handle Turners.” They be liars and -the party of immoral ideas, and are merely Dog Admirers. But we be the -Only Original Truth Speakers and Dog Worshippers.” - -And it was so that the words of the Only Original Truth Speakers sank -deeply into the hearts of the Handle Turners; and great fear and -discumfuzzlement fell upon many of them. And they were divided in -opinion. Some said the Dog Worshippers spake wisely, for all knew that -the dogs of Kyhidom had always been their enemies; and no doubt it was -true that the dogs of Kyhidom had seduced the Faraway Low Pressure Dog -Admirers to sell the Mill and take away the Handle. And others said that -the Dog Worshippers must be a greedy, unconscionable lot of Suckers who -made large pretenses of friendship and love to the Handle Turners simply -to retain their fat positions at the Spout, since no one, under the -most rigid scrutiny and cross-examination, had ever been able to adduce -the twenty thousand millionth part of an instance where a High Pressure -Sucker had ever sought anything other than the enlargement of his own -private and particular paunch. - -So when the great Paper Dropping Day came around there was much barking -and snarling and wrangling as to who ought to be placed near the Spout; -and the two sets of fleas were trembling between great hopes and great -fears; and each set shouted its hardest to the dogs to be wise and to be -faithful to _their own best interests_ by dropping their papers for _it_ -in the slot of the little Expresser. - -And there was much noise and confusion during the filling of the little -box. And when the little trap door was pulled and the papers went in -a thundering avalanche down the shute, each set of fleas tried to run -away with the Great Majority regardless of what was written upon them. -But after much fighting it was finally declared that the Great Majority -of Wills was for the Faraways to sit up near the Spout, and for the -Nighuntos to get far away. Then did both the Faraways and Nighuntos -rise up and beautifully make obeisance to the Expressed Will of -the Dogs, the heretofore Faraways bowing even to the ground; but the -heretofore Nighuntos merely inclined their noses, and said “Damn” in -soliloquial whispers. - -[Illustration] - -So the Faraways got up close to the Spout and became the Nighuntos, and -the Nighuntos were shoved to the lower end of the Tank and became the -Faraways, and began in _their_ turn to hustle and shove and charge the -Nighuntos with selfishly using the Spout to make themselves fat. - -And the dogs of the Majority were very happy, and took a day off (by -gracious permission of the new Nighuntos) to bark and stand on their -heads and burn fuel and make great smoke and stench, and do other -idiotic things to show the great joy they felt at having put another set -of suckers near the Spout. - -Then they returned to diligently turn the Handle and hope for great good -times. Which came not. - -And after many days of the same old grind, being taunted by the dogs of -the Minority who every morning said, “We told you so,” and every evening -said, “Thus did we prophesy unto you,” the dogs of the Majority sent -down to ask the new Nighuntos about what time the dogs at the Handle -might expect the peep of the Better Day and the fruition of the -Promises? - -To which the Nighunto Dog Admirers solemnly made answer that they had -made the fearful discovery that the tank was on two bases, one of gold -and the other of silver, and that the Silver Basis had shrunk and got -so dreadfully awry that the Tank had fallen all askew on that side, -and was in danger of capsizing altogether, so that they were all in a -dreadful stew, and had to give all their attention to the Great Question -of getting it into position again on a Single Gold Basis that would -command their Confidence, and never, never, never give way again, and -that all mere dog starvation and trouble were trivialities compared to -the great overshadowing need of saving the Tank from ruin. Besides, the -Faraway Dog Worshippers were now in control of the lower end of the -Tank, and had, previous to its slipping with its Silver Basis, wickedly -bored a hole in it and drawn off the Surplus, and were in other ways -most unpatriotically hampering the Dog Admirers in their efforts to -economize and reduce the Stream; that there was a Great Deficiency to be -made up, and that it would be some years at least before they would be -in a Position to effect much Reform, and that _for the present_ it was -absolutely necessary for the dogs to make up the Great Deficiency in the -Tank, and must grind an hour a day longer for at least a year. - -Which caused the dogs to go sadly back to their hungry turning of the -Handle, and to wonder why the great Will of the Dogs Expresser required -so much eternity its wonders to perform. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER X. - - DEARTH OF DOGS.—THE BLOOD STREAM BEGINS TO FAIL.—SCHEME - TO RECRUIT FROM HUNGRYLAND.—HOW IT WORKED TO THE - DESTRUCTION OF THE WHITE LEG ASSOCIATION, AND THE LITTLE - BOX WITH THE LITTLE SLOT IN IT. - - -[Illustration] - -AND it came to pass that there began to be visible a slackening of the -Stream at the Spout, for the great greed of the fleas around the Tank -was using up both the supply of dogs available for chucking in, and the -strength of the weary toilers at the Handle. - -Which caused a great fear to fall on the Brethren. But one of them, less -blind, though not less greedy, than the others, called their attention -to the State of Things. - -“See ye not, my brethren,” said he, “that the Stream faileth? The arc it -describeth is not so large as aforetime, which meaneth that the hopper -above is not replenished to its full capacity, which further meaneth -that either those rascally chuckers-in are not doing their full duty, or -that the supply of dogs to chuck in is running low.” - -This discovery filled the other Brethren with terror, and they looked -first at their own big and bloated bodies—which by this time had -become mere featureless blood bags—and then at the Stream, so visibly -running low, and, trembling with a coward fear, cried out: “Oh, who will -save us from perishing? For the Blood is our life and it faileth. Oh, -pestilence, fury and plague, we shall grow _less_! Oh, we don’t mind -bursting with bigness; but oh, to grow _little_ again! Oh! all is vanity -under the Sun! We did think that Providence, for whom we have done so -much, would have given us this day our daily dogs to grind. But He has -gone back on us. _Us_, brethren, who never went back on Him and never -let his churches want for any good thing. All is lost! lost!! lost!!!” - -And they bewailed and lamented sore; and one, at the contemplation of -his possible shrinkage, went temporarily insane and waddled out and -killed himself. - -But the Discoverer spoke up and said: “Allay your fears, and assuage -your grief, my brethren; all is not lost by a long chalk. I have -excogitated a Scheme which I think will work. Behold! are there not -more dogs on the earth than the dogs of Canisville? Yea, verily! dogs -more weary, languid and sore distressed than they? I have heard that in -Hungryland, over the pond, away beyond Kyhidom, are millions of dogs who -are dreadfully flea-bitten and exhausted, who would think it getting -verily to heaven if they could come here and get such bountiful wages as -we allow to our grinding dogs. - -“Go to, now. Let us send forth apostle dogs to Hungryland that shall -tell the dogs there of the wonderful heaven of peace and joy and -plenty in the West; of the Great Wages paid to honest toil, thrift and -temperance; of the Boundless Opportunities open to honest ambition; -of the Liberty there, and the Absolute Equality of the Rich and Poor -before the Law; how in that wonderful land the Dogs and not the Fleas -do the governing, and set up and pull down their Public Servants at -their own sweet will and pleasure, by means of the little box with the -little slot in it. And let the apostles hold up aloft the brilliant -example of our dearly beloved brother, Saint Andronicus Carnivorous, -who came over from North Kyhidom as mean a dog as any of them, and all -by his own unaided Toil and Thrift and Temperance—without even the -blessing of God, in whom he taketh no stock—put himself through the -Great Transformation and became as big and bloated a flea as the most -excellent of us, and wrote a Book. And let them say that he is not the -only example by many thousands of the Illimitable Possibilities of this -land; and they will come rushing over by thousands, and our chuckers-in -shall seize them. Thus shall the hopper of our prosperity be replenished -with an everlasting supply, and the former bigness of the Blood Stream -be restored—aye, more than restored, for we will enlarge the Spout and -widen and deepen the hopper and elongate the Handle, and the rushing -thousands from Hungryland will fight for a chance to grind. - -[Illustration] - -“Thus shall we have more dogs to be ground up and more dogs to grind -them, and as there will always be standing around the Handle a vast -multitude licking their chops in hope of seeing the grinders faint and -fall, we shall be able to diminish our great expenses by reducing the -great quantity of blood we are now compelled by cruel circumstances to -put on the end of the needle—which is a great imposition. So shall the -blood spurt out in great style, and we will have a larger Tank, so that -more fleas can sit around it; and we will drink and drink and grow -and grow and become so great as never was. And then will we put down -the insolence of those white-legged dogs, who have so often troubled -us by entering into unconstitutional conspiracies to hamper us and -overthrow the liberties of free-born dogs to make free contracts with -us to grind for the wages we offer. Having handy so many thousands of -Black Legs, we will not need the White Legs any more, but will have them -all chucked into the hopper. Moreover, I think, we will be able, with -all this inexhaustible supply of blood coming in, to heal our internal -disagreements and sink all our little superficial distinctions of Low -Pressurists and High Pressurists, and truly appear what we really -are—One Common Family of Blood Drinkers; for there will then be blood -enough for each and all of us. Then will we, working together as One -United Family abolish that infernal nuisance of the little box with the -little slot in it. Ye all know, brethren, that the day off which the -dogs, through the unbecoming schism amongst ourselves, take to work -the Will of the Dogs Expresser, is a dead loss to us in the cessation -of the grind. I appeal to you, brethren, to consider the great loss we -suffer; calculate the number of dogs that might be chucked in during the -twenty-four hours spent in the wicked and wasteful amusement of Paper -Dropping, and the further loss accruing from the lazy turning of the -Handle next day, owing to the enervating and mind distracting hilarity -of the previous day. Let us then be wise and consult our best interest. -Thus Brethren shall we have a time, times and half a time of fatness, -ease and prosperity.” - -These words brought joy and hope to the Brethren; and all said the -suggestions of the Discoverer were as the turning inside out of the Dark -Cloud to show its Silver Lining; some called them a Providential Relief; -and some said they went to show that this world was run by the Creator -on the principle of Universal Harmony and the Compensation Balance, in -that what one part thereof lacked another supplied. - -Saint Andronicus Carnivorous was the only one not entirely enthusiastic. -He arose and cautiously said, “Brethren, the proposition of our dear -brother, the Discoverer, lacketh nothing that is highly to be approved. -No doubt it will be highly profitable to us, and therein I am heartily -with him—especially in that part relating to the abolition of the -wicked White Legs, and the unwholesome box with the little slot in it. -But I want you to give me a guarantee that there will be no danger in -it to _me_. You know I have a Reputation which is very dear to me; and -if these Hungry Dogs come here and find the Truth is not as preached, -they will reproach me as one of you, and so I and my Reputation and my -Book will fall into contempt, and they may go even so far as to call me -a Hypocrite. Therefore I would rather not be seen in the matter; and so, -will hie me away until the reproach be over.” - -To which the others made answer that there was very little danger -or reproach in the scheme; that the Hungry Dogs would get all the -disappointment, the apostles all the reproach, and the fleas all the -profit; but that to be on the safe side Saint Andronicus had better -go away over the pond and lie low, and they would find some one of a -Don’t-care-a-d—— disposition, like Brother Pharaoh Phrique, to carry -out the scheme, particularly the abolition of the White Legs and the -flinging of them into the hopper. - -And it was so that Carnivorous did go away and lie low; and the apostles -did go out into all the world of the Hungry Dogs and preach the Gospel -of Lies; and the Hungry Dogs were beguiled and came over and brought -their great hunger with them, and by their great ferocity the White Legs -were wrenched away from the Handle and thrown by the chuckers-in into -the hopper. - -And in that day the Low Pressure Dog Admirers and the High Pressure Dog -Worshippers were made friends again and became One; and they ordered -the Hungry Dogs to break up the box with the little slot in it and burn -it with fire; and the Mill was enlarged; and the Stream was thicker -and stronger than ever; and the Tank was enlarged; and the United Fleas -sat around and drank themselves fuller, and grew so big that they shut -out the sky and the light of the Sun; and by reason thereof a great and -deadly darkness came over the land, and in the shadow thereof all plants -of the light, such as Honesty, Truth, Liberty, and Municipal, State and -National Rectitude, went mouldy and rotten; and the big, over-bloated -fleas, by reason of their great gluttony, grew leprous and stank, and -their evil odor filled the air; wherefore great sickness and plagues -broke out everywhere, which carried off many dogs and some fleas. - -And through all this evil time the dogs ground and fainted and sighed -and howled, and sent up blasphemies and curses and prayers to a Heaven -that was very deaf to them, but was apparently very good to the -monstrosities that sat around the Tank. - - - - -CHAPTER XI. - - HELL AND CHAOS IN CANISVILLE.—TRAMP DOGS.—RISE OF THE - APOLOGIST PHILOSOPHERS.—WHATSOEVER IS IS RIGHT.—THEIR - PROVERB FOUNDRY. - - -[Illustration] - -CHAOS reigned in Canisville. Hell seemed to have grown so hungry for -victims that it had not patience to wait for the coming down of the -dogs to _it_, in the natural course of time, but had gone up to devour -them on earth. Dogs everywhere were the property of the fleas, either -by direct settlement on their bodies or by deputy. All that were not -struggling by serving the Monstrous Fleas at the Handle were wandering -around carrying little fleas and hunting hard for bones and scraps. The -only exceptions were a few obstinate headed and obdurate hearted dogs, -who had said they would have freedom at any cost. They said they would -not turn that infernal Handle, neither would they carry and maintain -any fleas. So they defiantly went about picking up scraps, and when -the little fleas came hopping onto them, and demanding as their right -to suck out of them the nutriment the scraps gave them, those dogs did -snarl and reach around for them with their teeth and violently shake -them off. - -Then did those little fleas complain unto McPoodle that there were -certain wicked dogs that objected to be bled; and McPoodle said he would -not stand it in his dominions; and the Monstrous Fleas when they heard -about it, said it was Robbery of the Little Brethren, and a contagious -Bad Example that might spread throughout Society; and they spake unto -their salaried barker in the Church, Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, -that he speak over the big book that lay on the costly cushion, against -the sin of dogs stealing their own bodies away from the bites of the -fleas. And the barker did speak, and the good and well behaved dogs -who carried their fleas and bore their hunger piously did regard with -severity and high disapproval all those dogs that shook their fleas, -insomuch that the flea shakers found themselves in ill odor and did -withdraw themselves from dog society, and sought lonely places where -meat was scarce and fleas scarcer. - -Yet did not those dogs repine. They tramped and vagabondized and reposed -in the sun and the dirt; they grew very hairy and very dirty and very -hungry. But they said they were never hungrier than they would have -been had they remained in Good Society, and spent their days hustling -for fleas, which, they said, was on the whole an advantage, as it was -much less awful to be idle and hungry than to work one’s life out for -others and be hungry all the same; and as for Public Opinion, why, -to be able to snooze in the sunshine, was worth any amount of Public -Opinion that left one’s stomach insolvent. They also became covered -with vermin, which the flea-covered and respectable dogs of Canisville -shuddered at; but the vagabond dogs said that carrying vermin was not -half as burdensome or half as injurious to the health as carrying fleas; -and as for getting their living without work, why, the Monstrous Fleas -did no work at all and were monstrously respectable, and _they_ were -going to be respectable too; all which reasoning the pious dogs said was -Sophistry, and tended to lower them still further in the estimation of -the big fleas and other Good Society. - -Verily a chaotic state of things prevailed; and to the few sensible dogs -that ever and anon bobbed up from out-of-the way places to bark a bark -of protest, and then sink into oblivion or be stoned out of town, all -things seemed upside down. - -But as there never was a time in all the world’s history when to the -Apologist Philosophers of the times things that were were not right, -even so at this chaotic time in Canisville there arose the usual -Apologist Philosophers who took things as they were, and out of them -built a wonderful economic philosophy most beautiful to behold, the only -trouble with which was that whenever anyone of the few sensible dogs -would come out of his hole of hiding and prod it with a little weapon -called Common Sense, the whole elaborate system would collapse and drop -into dust. Wherefore the Apologist Philosophers were aggrieved, and -appealed to the Authorities to make it a Felony for any unpopular dog -to go about prodding philosophical systems with Common Sense, or to -have about him any Common Sense, which was, they said, a carrying of -concealed weapons. - -[Illustration] - -These Apologist Philosophers were singular creatures and insufferably -self-conceited, because they had “got on in the world” as they called -it; that is, they were all lucky dogs who had managed to get fat by -lying in wait for and catching what they called “Chances,”—that is, -stray scraps of meat—and by always speaking a good word for the big -fleas, who rewarded them by giving them a few of their fellow dogs to -eat. Many of them made their faces smooth, and tied around their necks -white bands called “Chokers,” which gave them a singular appearance of -which they were very vain. But their most singular distinguishment was -that they wore opaquely green spectacles and walked on their fore feet -and the tips of their noses, with their hind legs and tails in the air. -This uncommon way of walking enabled them, they said, to get a view of -earthly things totally different from that obtainable by the ordinary -degraded way of going on all fours, and enabled them more distinctly to -see things _as they appeared_, which was, they said, the philosophical -method, as contra-distinguished from the low, vulgar, altogether -despicable and ought-to-be-prohibited Common Sense method of seeing -things _as they were_. - -[Illustration] - -The habit of these dogs was to promenade abroad by moonless and starless -night and “observe” through their opaquely green spectacles, and then -gather together by day in what they called a “School,” where, secluded -from noise and light and air, they boiled down their observations -and ran them into moulds, the results of which operation they called -“Maxims,” “Apothegms” and “Proverbs” which when cold they handed out to -other dogs to hawk about in the public places as free gifts to all dogs -to hang up in the chambers of their memories. - -This Proverb Foundry, the big fleas said, was an excellent Institution -and was worthy of support as it did a vast amount of Good; for it -provided good things for dogs everywhere to put in their mouths, which, -as food was scarce, was a Blessed Charity, and, moreover, by giving the -dogs plenty to do mumbling these Proverbs and Maxims over and over in -their mouths, kept them out of the mischief of thinking, and preserved -their minds in a wholesome state of imbecility which was conducive to -Social Order and the Stability of Institutions. - -These wise-appearing philosophers, seeing that bones were scarce and -dogs many, urged upon every dog the importance of getting ahead of every -other dog, by remembering that “The early bird gets the first worm.” -Seeing that in a crowd of struggling dogs, all the strong and lusty ones -came to the front and uppermost, they made that all right by inventing -the heartless motto for the guidance of the unscrupulous, “There’s -plenty of room at the top.” Observing that just through the gap in the -fence there is food for five dogs which one hundred and fifty are biting -and tearing to get at, they encouraged the dogs to bear in mind that -“Success in life comes only by push and enterprise.” Having noted that -he who gobbled up his meat the fastest got most into his inside in the -same time, they urged them to racing speed by the proverbs, “Time is -money,” “Procrastination is the thief of time,” and “Hurry Up is the -fastest horse.” Noticing that when anyone throws a scrap of meat to a -crowd of hungry dogs, the one which is first and smartest gets it, they -put the rule for such cases thus: “Opportunity once gone never returns.” -Having themselves got on by carefully watching when other dogs threw -away stale and mouldy meat that was not exceedingly well worth eating, -and hoarding the same in sly holes and corners, they glorified such -mean conduct by saying, “Frugality is the Mother of Wealth;” and when -they denied their hungry stomachs a scrap in order to have a larger -hoard, they erected their mean stinginess into a Philosophy of Life by -remarking that “A Penny saved is a Penny Earned.” - -And so on and so on. In a thousand ways they taught that getting on -in the world is by “carving one’s way,” “compelling success,” biting, -scratching, crowding, knocking down and trampling on your fellows; and -they taught that _only the winner in the race_ is to be congratulated -on his efforts; that he who grabs and gets the bone is the one rightly -entitled to it; and that all who run and fall, and all who grab and -miss, should be voted immoral and sent to perdition. - -And never a one of them ever made a proverb or a maxim that had in it -the remotest suggestion that there might be any other way for dogs -to live and be happy, save that by which they were now so miserably -perishing; for, as aforesaid, they were great philosophers. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XII. - - THE ARISERS.—CHAOS MENDERS.—MORAL AND SPIRITUAL TINKERS - AND COBBLERS.—ARTIFICIAL PIETY.—PRAISE CONVENTION.—A - HOLY ONE A MAKER OF LONG PRAYERS AND SHORT WAGES, IS VERY - HOPEFUL. - - -[Illustration] - -NOW as soon as the Apologist Philosophers and their Proverb Foundry -arose it was as though they had opened the doors of a Bottomless Pit -where were confined an infinite host of Arisers; for from that time on -there arose, and arose, and arose an endless succession of until-then -unknown and needless Chaos Menders who came forth equipped with moral -saws and hammers and jack planes and set up shop all over Canisville -and put out big flaring signs setting forth that all manner of Moral -and Spiritual Cobbling and Repairing was done there on the shortest -notice; special attention being given to the Production of Public Virtue -amongst dogs, by a large corps of operators, in the highest degree -skilled in the art of fitting all sorts, sizes and qualities of dogs -to Standard Moral Measurement, by the use of the latest improved and -perfected machinery, warranted to lengthen, shorten, flatten, puff out, -square up, round off, expand or compress as required. Also Corrupt Trees -carefully trained and made to bear the best of Good Fruit; thorns made -to bear grapes, and thistles to bring forth figs; all under the able -superintendency of their various agents. - -First, there arose divers well-meaning dogs of prophets who imagined -they could restore the fighting, squabbling community to a state of -decency by schooling the dogs into a habit of compelling their brains to -sever all relationship and connection with their stomachs. - -So when they were ready with their Plan they sent one into the Public -Place, crying, “Behold now, this fighting and bad temper is all wrong; -ye ought to deal kindly with one another. Lo! I come to proclaim peace.” - -And an infidel dog said, “How wilt thou bring peace when there are more -hungry dogs than bones?” - -And the prophet said, “Let us bear with one another; let us resolutely -put away from us all malice and evil thoughts, and be kindly affectioned -one to another; and when one of us has found a bone, let not the other -one cast covetous and hungry eyes upon it, but let him meekly bear his -lot; and when his belly rumbles through emptiness, and he be tempted -to rush upon his neighbor’s bone, let him put up a little prayer to -the Providence which hath wisely ordained our several lots, and howl a -little hymn thus: - - “Help me, O Lord, to bear my lot, - And when with hunger spent, - I’ll think of other boneless ones, - And learn to be content. - - Not more than others I deserve, - Whose forms with want are bent; - Oh, give me then, a spirit meek, - That always is content. - -“This, my canine brethren, is all that we need—the spirit of meekness, -resignation and contentment. Think, my beloved brethren, of all the -glorious prospects that lie beyond this vale of tears, when, if we have -been very humble and contented, and have not barked at the upper -classes, nor scoffed at the well-paid ministers of the fleas’ gospel, we -shall trot the streets of the New Canisville where the best food lies -around in the greatest profusion, and poor dogs hunger no more, neither -thirst any more.” - -“And,” said a sceptic dog, “what shall we do for grub on earth until we -reach the grubful Canaan?” - -“My brother,” said the prophet, “thou must pray for grace to be -content.” - -Now, when the Church of the Fleas heard that there was a very holy -dog of a prophet gone down amongst the wicked and discontented -canines to preach unto them the doctrine of present contentment and -future bellyfuls, they gathered themselves together in a great Praise -Convention to give thanks and rejoice for the new Star of Hope that had -risen on the land, and a Holy One, a Maker of long prayers and short -wages, arose and addressed them. - -The Honorable One a Maker of long prayers and short wages was a smooth -and influential lay flea, who ran a large blood suckery six days of the -week, and on the other a large snivelling prayery, and was reputed to -be very rich in grace, but much richer in this world’s wealth, and was -world-noted for his stinginess towards the dogs he drew his life blood -from, and the prodigality of his gifts to churches and charities. - -There was a very queer peculiarity about his eyes: One of them was -turned permanently downward towards the earth, and was a very keen, -bright eye of high microscopic power, which restlessly scanned every -object, and by long practice had grown able to discern with a marvellous -infallibility certain dirty looking little blood spots called pennies. -This eye was what was known as his six-days-a-week eye, and was so -powerfully developed that no matter how small these spots were, nor how -deeply hidden—even deep down at the bottom of and beneath a hundred -feet of dirt—he could see them and he would never rest until he had -uncovered them, and gathered them in with his marvellously acquisitive -blood sucker. - -[Illustration] - -His other eye was known as his seventh-day eye, and was a very keen, -bright eye of high telescopic power, which by persistent straining and -practice had bulged outward and upward towards Heaven, and had developed -a marvellous capacity for seeing mansions in the skies, harps and golden -crowns of glory and immortality, laid up in particular for the Honorable -One a Maker of long prayers and short wages. - -So that what with the present riches his six-days-a-week eye enabled his -marvellously acquisitive blood sucker to pick up, and the prospective -riches his seventh-day eye enabled him to see was his, he was very -wealthy indeed, very sleek and exceedingly well contented—as any one so -well fixed for both worlds ought to be. - -He said: “Brethren of the most ancient and honorable Church of the -Suckers, it is evident that the great problem of sin and wickedness -amongst the poor is about to be solved. I confess that, to me, the state -of the poor has been for years past, a great burden of anxiety upon -my heart, and a subject of agonizing prayer. I have remarked their -pinched features, their hungry jaws, their woe-begone condition, and I -have endeavored as far as in me lies, to alleviate their hard lot. What -shall be done to lift them up? Let us remember that they are _of our own -blood_. The poor brutes on which I live excite my compassion more than -I can tell, and I have done everything I know of to lessen the hardness -of their lot. I encourage my lady flea and our flea-lets—than whom -there are not more holy ones between here and the seventh heaven—to -go down and teach them. They take little tracts to them, showing them, -in the most beautiful manner, how by more toil, more thrift, more -temperance, more economy of time and little retrenchments in sleep and -_luxuries_, and the lopping off here and there of sinful indulgences, -and crucifixion of various ungodly lusts, they can with the help of God, -come up to fatness, and even to a sleek condition. They have showed them -that “Where there’s a will, there’s ALWAYS a way” to success in life, -and they have shown them by various shining examples, how ANY dog may, -by patient perseverance, lift himself out of the condition of being a -blood-yielding dog and come up by Transformation into that of being an -honored sucker himself and deacon of a church. And to encourage them, -I have even sometimes remitted five per cent. of _the blood they owe -me_. But nothing seems to come of it. They seem just as thriftless as -ever and as full of vice. And really their idleness and shiftlessness -cause me serious alarm as I perceive that their daily yield of blood -is decreasing and I have suffered much loss. And brethren, no doubt -I voice your experience. We know that godliness among these poor is -economically profitable. A pious, contented dog works more faithfully -than an ungodly one; and there is infinitely more pleasure in going to -collect our monthly dues from amongst the pious, sober, well behaved and -godly dogs, than amongst those who by their wicked idleness, insobriety -and insolent barkings, give us trouble and anxiety. Let us remember that -nice Scripture which says, ‘Godliness is profitable unto all things, -having the promise not only of the life that now is, but of that which -is to come.’ Let us then be not only good but wise, and not only support -this good prophet in his work, but set apart others unto the good work; -and let us call them City Missionaries. Will some one now move that we -pass ’round the hat? And let the collection be a good big one brethren, -for, recollect, this is to send the gospel to the poor, and ‘he that -giveth to the poor lendeth to the Lord,’ and the Lord always pays good -interest, brethren, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and -running over. So that we shall by this present sacrifice be eternal -gainers and come out at the large end of the horn.” - -And it was so. And they made up a big pot of money for the missionaries; -and they stroked their paunches affectionately and departed, feeling -that God ought to be very much obliged to them for having condescended -to think on his poor. - -And from that time on there was reported “great success” in the -preaching of the Gospel of Content. At the end of the year the Church -of the Suckers got together, and had the prophets tell them of the good -work done during the year. And the good prophets made various long -reports of their work. They had written down in books called “diaries” -how many visits they had made among the poor dogs; how many they had -induced by exhortation, to give up their fighting and quarreling; how -many had thus been brought to sit in rows in certain bare-looking gospel -houses called “Missions,” and howl out certain noises called “hymns,” -and to declare at the end of meetings that they had “got religion” and -“found grace” to bear their hunger and all their miseries, and even -to put on a visage and a look that betokened that they rather enjoyed -hunger and poverty and hankered for more. But the reports always wound -up with the statement, that how much soever of good _had_ been done, -it was as nothing to the good that remained to _be_ done; that the -“fields were white unto the harvest,” and praying that “more laborers -be sent into the harvest,” and, finally, that although they had got -quite a number of hungry and poverty-stricken dogs to enter the ranks -of the contented saints, the vast multitude were still discontented and -quarrelsome and wicked, and would not come to the “Mission,” but loafed -about the streets on Sunday, blind to their “privileges,” and deaf to -the “gracious call.” And what was even more sad and pitiable, these -loafers, who would not be gathered under the wing of the new gospel -hen, not only made a mock at sin, but had made grievous faces at the -missionaries. Then the speakers congratulated the “mission society” on -the “good” they had done and urged the missionaries to bear their hard -trials with meekness, and to put forth “greater efforts” in the future. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XIII. - - THE MORAL AND SPIRITUAL COBBLERS ADOPT PHYSICAL - COERCION.—SQUADS.—DOG-FLEA-MONKEY OFFICERS.—BRAIN - EMBALMING COLLEGE.—ENCOURAGING SUCCESS OF THE GANGS. - - -[Illustration] - -THEN did the numerous Chaos Straighteners and Moral and Spiritual -Cobblers, seeing that they had the hearty appreciation of the Church of -the Fleas, in their efforts to spiritually “save” the bodily starved -dogs, feel much encouraged, and began to devise how they might improve, -strengthen and enlarge their saving methods. Having religiously gone out -of their way to coax and beguile the poor, depraved and rib-stripped -dogs into becoming good—though having religiously remained _in_ their -way while all the fleas, big and little, had depraved them—it was -naturally easy to go one step further and supplement their beguilements -with a little coercion. They reasoned that if it was right to hold nice -moral persuasives to the dogs’ noses to draw them onward and upward, it -could not be wrong to club them in the same direction from behind. They -said the “Getting to Heaven” was the main thing, and that even if a dog -had to be taken by the tail and flung over the wall thereof, and landed -inside with a flop that shook his bowels out, it was infinitely more -merciful to him than allowing him to go easily to Hell. - -So they divided themselves into groups and squads for the purpose of -surrounding the dogs. To the churchy squads was assigned the duty of -standing in a little narrow, dingy and very uninviting moral alley-way, -which they euphemistically called the “Way to Heaven,” and with call -whistles and Jews-harps and kazoos calling the dogs’ attention to pretty -pictures at the far end of the alley-way, representing green fields and -flowing streams, and big piles of very meaty bones, and fat and full -dogs snoozing thereby, and other scenes supposed to be attractive to -starving dogs. Another churchy band strewed lollipops, drops of gravy -and other seducements along the alley-way. - -These two bands called themselves “The Society of Strenuous -Endeavorists,” because they “endeavored” to cajole and persuade -flea-bitten and depraved dogs to go up the dingy alley-way. - -Other squads planted themselves here and there at various strategic -points, where dogs were likely to break away, and “endeavored” by more -or less violent methods, to turn the faces of the dogs towards the dingy -alley-way and force them, by goads and prods and clubs, to be persuaded -by the Endeavorists and Lollipoppers. These squads proudly called -themselves by various distinguishing names, such as the “Go to Church -or be Clubbed Society;” “The Yanking Dogs Heaven-ward Association;” -“The Order of Holy Whackers and Thwackers;” “The Compulsory Holiness -Society;” “The A. A. U. S. G. B. & L,” which being interpreted, means -“The Association for the Advancement of the Use of Sanctification -Generating Billies and Locusts;” “The Society for the Promotion of Pious -Poverty;” “The Society for the Suppression of Natural Consequences and -the Sundering of Cause and Effect;” “The Gulp-a-Camel-and-Gag-at-a-Gnat -Society,” and the “Dog Souling and Healing Association.” - -These squads were all officered by fat and comfortable mongrel -creatures, one third dog, one third flea, and the rest monkey, whose -qualifications for the headship thereof were that while young they had -graduated from a certain College of the fleas established to teach the -doctrine that virtue in dogs had no relation to their living carcases, -but could be arbitrarily produced in any dog by thrusting him into a -certain conventional moral mould, and thumping, walloping, pounding -and hammering him until he fit it. After several years of training -in this School where they saw thousands of dogs broken and smashed -and distorted, _but never a one made to fit_, and they themselves had -laboriously tried to make dogs fit the mould, but never did, they were -examined as to their proficiency in the science and art of achieving -moral failure; and as to their belief in the Attainability of the -Impossible; and if the examination was satisfactory they signed a solemn -declaration that they were true believers in that self-same blessed -doctrine. - -Whereupon the Principals opened their heads to see if their brains -were _really_ full of that doctrine, and if so they poured therein -a ladleful of an antiseptic compound called “Compound Concentrated -Quintessence of Pig-Headed Bourbonism” that was warranted to keep sound -and immovably fix that doctrine in their brains all their lives; then -they hermetically sealed up the opening against the entrance of any -displacing idea, and turned the creature abroad upon the earth with a -diploma certifying that the holder thereof had been duly treated, and -had had his brain properly embalmed, and was thereafter incapable of -receiving any other idea if he lived a million years. - -Now, all these gangs and squads had very “encouraging success” in -their work. That is to say the _success_ was not much—in truth it was -very little—but what there was of it was very _encouraging_ to them -because they were incapable of perceiving failure. Not many dogs could -be induced by the Strenuous Endeavorists and Lollipoppers to go up -the dingy alley-way, and of the few who went to the far end thereof, -most returned saying that, barring the lollipops and drops of gravy, -the fullness and plenty was all wretchedly pictorial, and the air was -so heavy and stagnant, and the surroundings so dull and dreary that -they preferred to go back and be damned hungry, rather than be “saved” -hungry. In fact they had got so used to being damned hungry that it hurt -less than the hungry “salvation.” - -But over the little few who stayed in the Way to Heaven the Strenuous -Endeavorists made great rejoicings; they labelled them Spared -Monuments, packed them carefully in wadding and toted them round to -the churches of the fleas and exhibited them as fine samples of what -could be accomplished by “never wearying in well doing,” and the -Church applauded, and the Monstrous Fleas being appealed to for help -in carrying on the work, sent down their blessing and a large fund to -provide more lollipops and gravy, and an earnest appeal to the Strenuous -Endeavorists to endeavor to devise some scheme of salvation for the poor -unfortunate dogs that ground at the Handle of their Mill, and whose -spiritual interests lay very near to their hearts. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XIV. - - DELUSION OF THE DOG-FLEA-MONKEYS.—THE PORTRAIT.—HOW IT - WAS COPIED. - - -[Illustration] - -ALL these dog-flea-monkey Virtue Compulsionists had one peculiar -delusion: They all imagined that they were exceedingly beautiful -spiritually, and comely of complexion morally, and resembled in moral -features a certain gloriously beautiful Person who had lived and died -above 1800 years before; about whom the salaried barkers in the churches -of the fleas were paid to bark one day in every seven. - -It was a practice ordained by the Church that every barker, in the -course of his regular barking, should draw on a gold and gem-studded, -framed, marble slab, a Portrait of this Personage; for two reasons: -First, to keep him in remembrance, because, they said, he was the -Blessed Founder of the Church of the Fleas; and second, because it -was obligatory both upon the reverend barker and upon every member of -the Church to be conformed unto His Likeness, by diligently comparing -themselves with the Portrait. - -It was a Blessed Custom, and originated thus:—The Original Portrait was -in the Holy Book that lay on the costly cushion, drawn there by certain -brave but poor and persecuted dogs who knew and loved the Original -Person. Their Church in those days was the Church of the Dogs, and was -a very small and obscure church that was set up in out-of-the-way, damp -and mouldy dens and caves and holes and corners of the earth; because -the Church of the Fleas of those days had crucified the Founder of it, -and did cruelly hunt and persecute and kill the dogs that belonged to -it. But those dogs did the more love his memory, and did day by day copy -out his Portrait from the Original and conform themselves to it. - -But after a time, when they that knew the Founder were gathered into -the heavenly garner, and there arose a succession of dogs that knew -him not, the Church of the Dogs _went acourting_ unto the respectable -Church of the Fleas and asked to be united in Holy Wedlock unto it. -And the Church of the Fleas corrupted with respectability the Church -of the Dogs, and the dogs sold their brand-new religion to the fleas -whose gods had become dilapidated and _worm-eaten_ for lack of fresh -paint. Whereupon the Church of the Fleas threw their rotten old gods on -the rubbish heap, and adopted the worship of the Wonderful Personage -and the practice of drawing his Portrait. But the practice of copying -it from the Original in the Big Book was in time discarded, because -many of the fleas, when called on by the barkers to compare themselves -with the Portrait, said it reproached them, being too good, and made -them ugly by comparison, and the conforming themselves thereto was too -expensive and inconvenient. And when the barker insisted on compliance -with the custom, they said he was an impertinent barker and didn’t know -his place; and they called on the dogs to cast him out and worry him to -death. Which terrible example and warning caused the succeeding barkers -to be pertinent and know their places, and bark according to the desire -of the fleas—_which they had carefully done ever since_. - -So no more was the Seventh-daily copy copied from the Original but was -copied from the preceding Seventh-daily copy—which gave the employers -far less dissatisfaction. - -But the barkers, diligently keeping the fear of the fleas and the fate -of the cast out barkers before them, fell gradually into the habit of -here and there adding to the Portrait a feature or two of the eminent -fleas that sat and smiled before them; and as this gentle flattery -of the fleas was received by them with great favor, the barkers—who -had by this time very perspicaciously discerned on which side their -bread was buttered—were encouraged; and soon the Portrait in no wise -resembled the Original. But it gave very great satisfaction to the -fleas, who found themselves growing more and more like unto the Blessed -Person whom they worshipped; and the barkers found their basketfuls of -meat growing ever larger as their reward; insomuch that in the latter -days such barkers as Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite—who drew the -Seventh-daily Portrait with great skill, and filled it fuller of flea -features than any other barker—got very great basketfuls, and were -held in the highest honor by the most eminent suckers, who said they -were good dogs that they would not part with at any price. Therefore it -was that when all the dog-flea-monkey dog coercionists and heads of the -various Physical-Force Holiness Societies sat in the Church of the Fleas -and looked upon the Features and Form of the Portrait, they lifted up -their mouths to Heaven and gave loud thanks to God that they were the -exact counterparts of the Ever Blessed Person, for their ugly mugs and -ignorantly brutal and fanatical eyes were just like his. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XV. - - LOVELY ANTHONY’S COMMUNION SERVICE ALL BY HIMSELF.—HOW - HE FORMED A SOCIETY FOR THE SUPPRESSION OF VICE, AND THE - PROPAGATION OF THE GOSPEL OF THE CLUB.—THEIR VICIOUS - METHODS OF PROMOTING VIRTUE.—THEIR SUCCESS AT DOG - CATCHING. - - -[Illustration] - -EMINENT over all the crowd of Morality Cobblers and Dog Soulers and -Healers who sat in the Church of the Fleas and looked upon the Portrait, -was one whose brain had been particularly well embalmed and hermetically -sealed against the entrance of any new idea. This was Lovely Anthony -Thumpem Clubstock. He was a great admirer of the Portrait; and he -went daily into the church to hold Holy Communion with himself before -it. And thus he communed: “That is a most excellent likeness of the -Blessed Personage for it is _just like me_. Like me, he was the -All-Righteous, and, like me, he had but one desire—to suppress the -vice of the world; but he lacked method, and unfortunately had not _me_ -with him to give him points. Oh, if it had pleased God to have sent me -on earth along with him, what a team we should have made; he with his -genius, and I with my method; why, we would have covered the earth -with righteousness, even as the waters cover the sea. Of course he -had his faults—as who has not? He was too much inclined to Mercy and -Forgiveness and all that sort of thing. He had too much heart, and it -ran away with him. Had I been with him—which, alas, I was not—I should -have been a corrective. Heart might have been less objectionable in his -time than now, but to-day nothing but the Strong Hand and the Heavy Club -can drive the degenerate dogs of this day to Virtue and Righteousness; -and I believe that were he on earth to-day his good sense would approve -a sterner policy of cleansing the earth of sin. Dogs to-day are so -fearfully depraved, so very vile, such dreadful despisers of Holy -Religion, such malignant scoffers at our reverend salaried barkers, and -are so viciously and stubbornly averse to going to heaven, that were -they to be let alone, or pushed with mere kindness, they would become -utterly evil and corrupt the earth. - -“He seems to have had no nose for nastiness nor eye for discerning -indecency. But I have a splendid buzzard smeller that detecteth -the faintest taint afar off, and an eagle eye that instantaneously -discerneth indecency, even where it is not. He lacked the natural taste -to dabble with filth and scratch around cesspools. But I am not so. I -with my little mop and pail will clean the earth of evil for him. I will -suppress Vice and make the earth so lovely that were he to come back he -would grasp my paw and say, ‘Well, done Good and Lovely Anthony; thou -art unique; thou hast faithfully walloped and larruped the erring dogs -of earth back into my Fold of Love; thou hast performed the hitherto -impossible job of hammering virtue through their hides, and opening -with a club the buds of Holiness in their hearts; henceforth thou art -promoted; I will make thee Clubber Plenipotentiary to Hell, which no -doubt thou canst reclaim for me.’” - -And Lovely Anthony, having sharpened his buzzard smeller and polished -his eagle eye, went and easily gathered together a gang of true -believers in the Gospel of the Club—for the land was full of them, -brain-embalmed and pig-headedly Bourbonish like himself—and he called -them the “Society for the Suppression of Vice,” and said unto them, -“Brethren, go ye out into the highways and the byways, and wheresoever -ye espy any depraved dog, hale him before the Suppressors, the police -dogs. But be very tender with the fleas that are on him, for they are -our life. Let your zeal for God effervesce above all considerations. If -any depraved and vicious dog hide himself away where it is difficult to -get at him, remember that his suppression is the _supreme aim_ of all -your efforts, and act accordingly. If ye cannot lay hold of him openly -and boldly, then transform yourselves, and garb yourselves like him and -act in all respects as a vicious dog like him, to gain his confidence -and draw him from his hole. Stick not at a lie or two, or at any breach -of the law to trepan him, or at any damnable and vicious thing which may -be necessary to suppress Vice and promote Virtue, for the bringing in of -the Kingdom of Heaven is of such tremendous consequence, that if we have -to borrow all the ordnance and weaponry of Hell to do it with, we will. -Our motto is, ‘The End always justifies the Means,’ and when the vice of -all dogs shall have been suppressed and the earth shall be pure again, -ye shall all be forgiven. - -“If a dog be hungry and howl, suppress his howl, for his noise is -disturbing to the repose of the fleas; if he throw covetous glances at -any scrap of food that is not his by gracious permission of the fleas, -thump him, for covetousness is sin against God and the fleas. If he -be measly and have scabs for want of nourishment, smite him severely, -and tell him his scabs are an offense to respectable fleas, and such -exhibitions are by law prohibited. If by reason of poverty he be -ignorant, hit him a whack on the skull, and tell him that Ignorance is -the parent of Vice, and cannot be permitted at all. If he be amusing -himself with low and disreputable games, larrup him heavily and point -him to the Church where God has provided an infinitely better Feast for -the Soul than games, and cease not to batter him until ye have driven -him there. And, finally, if he excuse himself that he is plundered and -poor and wretched, and must do as he does, smite him on the mouth for -those wicked excuses, for they are blasphemy.” - -So the Suppressors of Vice went out, abundantly armed with clubs, and -equipped with all manner of disguises and dog-catching devices and -traps and snares; and they found many dogs that were measly and scabby, -and were ignorant, and had dim moral eyesight, and stole, and amused -themselves with low games and excused themselves. And the Suppressors -exercised all their diligence, and all their arts and devices to -suppress and catch those dogs; but the only effect they produced was to -cause the dogs to use diligence and art and device to get out of their -way and into dark corners. - -[Illustration] - -Then did Lovely Anthony get mad and go out himself to set them an -Example, and did set wonderfully complicated traps by which he had great -dog-catching success. He would walk about pretending to be a scabby dog, -and very ignorant and blind, and would amuse himself with low games, -and would spread paper Laws before the dogs, and in their sight jump -through them and burst great holes in them and play devil generally, all -in order to encourage and tempt the vicious dogs to come out of their -hiding places and do likewise, when he would suddenly pounce on them and -hold them until he had called the police dogs, who would soundly thump -and larrup them. - -All this kept Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher, and his assistant Dog -Catchers, very busy and wonderfully well pleased and satisfied with -themselves; but as the thumping and larruping never filled the poor -dogs’ stomachs or lifted a solitary flea off their bodies, the dogs were -only made worse; for in addition to all their other woes, they had the -awful affliction of him and his on top. The only difference it made was -that it stimulated the cunning of the depraved dogs who grew more expert -at hiding away and fooling them. - -As to Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher, his brain having been properly -embalmed and eternally fixed, he only waxed more zealous in his -efforts; and he prophesied, with all the certainty of one that knew, -that sometime during next Eternity all bad and vicious dogs will have -been suppressed, and all others walloped into loving God; and all the -relations between dogs and fleas will have been harmonized according to -the eternal rights of fleas to suck blood. - - - - -CHAPTER XVI. - - JOY AMONGST THE SALARIED BARKERS OVER SAINT ANTHONY - THE DOG CATCHER.—APOTHEOSIS OF ANTHONY.—MARVELLOUS - EFFLORESCENCE OF HIS GREAT BUMP.—RECEIVES GREAT PRAISE - FROM THE MONSTROUS FLEAS. - - -[Illustration] - -NOW when the Church of the Fleas had diligently considered Lovely -Anthony the Dog Catcher for awhile, they said one to another, “Lo! The -Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.” - -And the salaried barkers said amongst themselves, “Behold, a powerful -helper in the Vineyard! Now shall _our_ labors be easy and our burdens -light. Now will it not be so hard to persuade dogs to come to the Means -of Grace. No longer shall we have merely our labor and sweat for our -pains. Now shall we gather in the erring by wholesale, for with Lovely -Anthony to twist their tails for us they will more easily see the error -of their sinful ways. No longer shall our ‘Missions’ be filled with -empty benches. No longer will those depraved loafers dare to make -grievous faces at our Missionaries. No longer shall Vice stalk abroad -hindering and nullifying the irresistible Gospel; for God hath now the -valuable help of the police. Things are as they should be, and the lines -are fallen unto us in pleasant places. Thank God for Anthony.” - -And the salaried barkers of the Church of the Fleas did send messengers -unto the dwelling place of the Lovely Anthony, to reverently inquire of -him when it would be convenient to him to come down and be made a god -of. And Anthony the Dog Catcher was graciously pleased to appoint a day, -and they brought him to the Sanctuary and set him on high and burnt -incense and sang praises unto him and prostrated themselves before him -and hailed him as their Dexter Bower and their Sinister Bower and their -Great Labor Saver, the great Sin Killer and Bringer-in of the -Millennium. - -And they put upon his head a golden crown, and in his paws a hammer of -iron and fetters of brass, crying “Hail! King of Depravity Squelchers! -With these tools shalt thou bring in the Kingdom of Righteousness and -Love!” - -And Lovely Anthony the Dog Catcher and Depravity Squelcher was -graciously pleased with their homage, and smiled and felt good, and held -up his head; when lo! on the top thereof, on the spot marked on human -skulls by creatures called phrenologists as the bump of Self-Conceit, -there appeared an elevation which, throbbing and swelling like unto -“rising” dough, grew and grew until it reached half a cubit in height -and burst into flower; at which wonderful moment the sun did shine -through the window full upon him. Whereupon there fell upon the adoring -barkers a great awe; and they said these signs were Heaven’s seal set -unto Lovely Anthony’s patent new method of bringing in the Kingdom of -Heaven upon earth. - -Then did the salaried barkers send around to the Monstrous Fleas and -pray them to come along at once and see the great and divinely appointed -Sin Killer and pay him their worshipful respects. But the Monstrous -Fleas returned answer that they had a great work to do, and could not -come around; that they exceedingly regretted that they were just then so -excessively busy filling their paunches with blood, and trying to hold -themselves up to the requisite standard of tight plethora, that they -could not come down, and that they sent their highest regards to their -Heaven-sent friend and Society Saviour, with their loftiest approval of -and profoundest admiration for his new method of holding bad, depraved -and vicious dogs with their noses towards Virtue and the open church -doors—which was, they said, absolutely necessary to the Safety of -Investments and the Regularity of Dividends, to say nothing of the -saving of poor dogs’ precious and immortal souls which lay very near to -their hearts—and that if the Lovely Anthony could spare a few moments -and step around to see them as they sat about the Tank, why they would -be very happy to worship him for a few moments. - -And it was so. And Lovely Anthony did step around to see them, and -the Monstrous Fleas inclined their heads as they drank, and gave him -the assurances of their most distinguished consideration and promises -of unlimited contributions of wealth to his great and noble work. And -Anthony was much pleased with their homage and the blessed evidences of -their love for him; and the elevation on the top of his head went up -another half cubit and bore several flowers. - -And the Monstrous Fleas showed him to the dogs that did grind at the -Handle; who did droop their heads and tremble with awe of him, and make -solemn resolutions within themselves to be good and nevermore think evil -of the Monstrous Fleas that had been divinely appointed to drink the -blood they had been divinely appointed to grind out for them. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XVII. - - ONE-EYED ELDER BERRY IS JEALOUS OF LOVELY ANTHONY.—HIS - PHILOSOPHY AND LOGIC.—HIS PLAN TO SAVE LITTLE BOW-WOWS - AND HOW IT WORKED.—REMARKABLE SUCCESS OF THE SOCIETY IN - _not_ PREVENTING CRUELTY. - - -[Illustration] - -AMONGST the multitude that did gather to the worship of Saint Anthony -the Lovely was one of the many Chaos Menders. He also had a well -embalmed brain, and had but one eye which had the singular optical -property of turning every visible object in the universe into the image -of a poor, suffering little bow-wow. And when he smelt the incense and -heard the hymns of adoration and saw the worshipful prosternation to -Lovely Anthony, the bile of envy suffused his noble features and turned -his little bow-wow-seeing solitary eye a green of emerald hue, that -grew more green with envy with every moment’s duration of the adoration -of Anthony. And one of the adoring barkers, who was less intent and -absorbed in his devotions than the rest, observing him, said unto him: - -“Brother Elder Berry, why are thy features suffused; and why is thine -orb of vision so green? Art thou in an unsanitary state? Art thou sick? -Hast thou a Crisis? Tell me, for thou alarmest me!” - -And the One-eyed Elder Berry answered and said: “I am not sick; I am not -in an unsanitary state; I am only grieved; grieved for the foolishness -of these adoring simpletons in worshiping this illogical Anthony -Thumpem Clubstock. Why all this idiotic fuss over his tom-fool trying -to reform hardened old dogs who are eternally fixed in the ways of Vice -and Sin? No one but a stark, stamping, staring fool would try to untwist -a twisted old apple tree with screws and levers and chains. None but a -supreme fool would try it. The only wise way is to train the little, -growing, pliable sapling and shape it exactly as you want it. That is -Wisdom’s way; that is _the_ way; that is _my_ way; that is the only -adorable way; and were this assembly wise they would now be worshipping -ME, the Sin Preventer, and not paying idolatrous adoration to this -strange god of a Dog Catcher, for I am the only original and genuine Sin -Curer; all others are bogus and counterfeit; my name is blown in on the -bottle, and see that you get it, and take no other; protected by letters -patent, and all infringers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the -law.” - -“And what wouldst thou do, dear Elder Berry?” asked the barker. “Thou -speakest but in figure.” - -“Do?” replied the One-eyed, “Seest thou not, thou two-eyed barker, that -it is the depraved _little_ bow-wows that need the Vice-Suppressor’s -care rather than the old and hardened ones? Keep the young and tender -ones from going wrong and there’ll be no old dogs going wrong, and no -Vice to suppress. Let me trace the Genesis of Vice. I have applied mine -Eye to the matter, and I find it begins with the horrible cruelty of -those depraved and hungry dogs sending their little ones abroad from the -parental kennels into the streets to scratch for bones and scraps. No -old dogs with any heart would be so wicked as to drive out those tender -and helpless little dears thus to scratch. It is mere hungry greed on -their parents’ part; it is immoral; it is cruel; it is destructive to -Society in every way. The little bow-wows thus get acquainted early -with the wickedness of the streets; and in the fierce struggle of life -their tender health, both of body and mind, is destroyed. Their dear -little bodies are fatigued, and their desires after better things are -chilled, benumbed and destroyed. Thus have they no mind to walk betimes -in Wisdom’s ways and mind Religion young. And, more awful still, their -constitutions being early undermined, they grow up puny, feeble, ill -nourished and thin blooded; so that they are not properly capable of -doing their full duty at the Handle of the Mill or of yielding their due -amount of blood to the fleas God has appointed them to carry. - -“This greed of their parents ought to be—must be—curbed, and this -cruelty to the little bow-wows and wrong to Society brought to an -end. Behold the fleas, now; _they_ set a beautiful example; _they_ do -not greedily send out _their_ little ones to help suck blood; _they_ -protect, nurture, watch over them, educate them and give them all -advantages until they are big enough and strong enough to suck for -themselves; and the consequence is they grow up to be honored and -respected members of Society. All this hath mine eye seen. - -“Here is the root of the evil. Now, this Lovely Anthony strikes not at -the _root_ of the evil; he strikes only at the _fruit_; and therein he -is off his head and far removed from his base; and therefore are these -barkers and Monstrous Fleas off _their_ heads and far removed from -_their_ bases, in worshiping him. But when they see my method they will -worship _me_ instead, if they know a good thing when they see it.” - -And when the adoration of Lovely Anthony was over, Brother Elder Berry, -the One-eyed, and his friend the barker, did consult together, and -did call in several of the other barkers to the consultation; and the -proposed method of the One-eyed found favor in their eyes, and they -helped him to form a Gang of Saviors, which they baptized with the name -of “The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Little Bow-wows.” And -they spake unto Pup McPoodle, and he gave police dogs unto the One-eyed -Elder Berry, that he might have power to club and batter and hammer -the heads of all such as might seek to prevent him preventing cruelty. -And the Monstrous Fleas, hearing of this most praiseworthy attempt to -improve the blood of dogs, and to add more vigor to those who turned -the Handle, sent him their most sincere invocation of God’s blessing -upon him, and the assurance of their most earnest desire to co-operate -with him, by large donations of wealth, or any other form of assistance -they might be able to render. - -And the One-eyed Elder Berry and his gang did much infest the streets of -Canisville; and they picked up many little bow-wows that did scratch in -the streets, and spake austerely to them, and told them they mustn’t; -and they made the little bow-wows tell who were the wicked parents that -had, because of greed, sent them out; and they went and spake austerely -unto those parents, and told them they mustn’t; and when those parents -explained that they were very hungry and did themselves scratch for -bones and scraps all day in the streets, and even then did not find -enough to stay their hunger, and could not appease the hunger of the -little bow-wows, they rebuked them austerely, and told them their hunger -was all greed and cruelty to the little bow-wows, to whom they owed more -affection and duty, and that really they mustn’t any more. So they made -the little bow-wows stay within their holes and corners, where they -hungered and perished, for the old bow-wows could not maintain them. -Whereupon the little fleas and the big fleas and the Monstrous Fleas did -give the One-eyed Elder Berry a hint that this kind of prevention of -cruelty was not working well, and tended to diminish the supply of dogs -and bring to pass the prevention of Dividends—which was a prevention -they could not sanction under any consideration at all. - -Therefore the One-eyed Elder Berry did desist from catching the poor -little starving bow-wows in the street, in the day time; and his vision -of being one day set on high and worshiped, as was Anthony the Dog -Catcher, grew dim. But certain of his gang advised him that certain -moderately plump and comfortable little bow-wows had been seen going at -night to certain places, to dance for a few minutes for a good basketful -of meat, to amuse certain of the Canisvillians. - -“Ah! Say ye so?” exclaimed the One-eyed Berry, as his one eye bulged and -lit up with the phosphorescent glow of hope of immortal fame, “dancing -by little bow-wows, did ye say? Why, here is Sin, concentrated Iniquity, -hydraulically pressed, rammed and condensed Wickedness, enough, under -any favorably accidental expansion, to poison the whole moral atmosphere -of Canisville, and kill us all. And to think that these tender and -immature bow-wows are set to enact it all.” - -And he diligently inquired where this evil might be found; and they told -him, and he hied himself thither, and sat and saw the little bow-wows -dance; and his eye bulged with horror as he perceived that the little -bow-wows loved the dance, and were delighted with the large reward for -the little work, which enabled them to take more to the kennels of their -parents in one night than the parents could scratch up in the streets in -a month. - -And his horror grew still more when he found by visits to their kennels -that these parent dogs were having much easier times than other dogs, -through the efforts of these little bow-wows, which, on their part, grew -plump and well-to-do. - -This, said he, was cruelty of the cruellest sort, to turn these poor -little tender innocents out _at night_—and worse—_to dance_, which -was more exhausting to their vitality and—what was of infinitely more -moment—_their morals_, than any amount of hungry scratching in the -streets for bones and scraps. - -But the parent dogs and others said it was not so; the little bow-wows -were well nourished and well sheltered and protected from the storms and -tempests, and hunger and wickedness of the streets, and were infinitely -better off than the poor unfortunate bow-wows of the famishing wretches -that did grind at the Handle of the Mill, that were thrown into the -hopper to satisfy the blood greed of his dear friends, the Monstrous -Fleas. - -All which failed to move him to the right or left of his righteous -determination to suppress cruelty to small bow-wows; for he set his -police dogs to prevent these little ones dancing. Which they did. - -And the little ones no more received good basketfuls for a little -work, and they and the parent dogs did starve in their kennels, until -compelled to go out _into the wicked streets_, and scratch from early -morning until midnight for awfully meatless bones, or until the old dogs -were compelled to fling them into the hopper of the Mill, as a fee to -the Monstrous Fleas, to be allowed to grind and drop dead at the Handle. - -Thus did the One-eyed Elder Berry prevent cruelty to little bow-wows. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XVIII. - - VIRTUE AND VICTUALS.—THE CONDUCTOMETER.—TERRIBLE FATE - OF THOSE WHO TEACH UNREVEALED RELIGION AND BLASPHEMOUSLY - ATTEMPT TO SAVE BODIES RATHER THAN SOULS. - - -[Illustration] - -IN spite, however, of the efforts of the mighty crowd of Vice -Suppressors, Sin Killers, and Depravity Squelchers, putters down of -this, that and t’other, and preventers of t’other, that and this, the -depravity of the dogs went on increasing. The poor dogs were harassed on -all sides and suffered a grand battue, but the Church and the salaried -barkers on whose behalf the battue was undertaken, bagged very little -of the game; hundreds slipped through the well-organized ranks of the -beaters and clubbers and got themselves away to out-of-the-way holes and -corners where they perversely went down and down and down in the depths -of depravity. They had grown utterly disheartened in the everlasting and -ferocious struggle for a living; and in spite of the good missionaries -who told them they must walk in the Fear of God, they grew reckless -and said the Fear of God fills no bellies, that the Fear of God was -all very well when you had a good pile of good victuals laid by in the -kennel, but when you hadn’t, the Fear of Hunger was the only Fear it was -incumbent upon a poor dog to fear. - -The good missionaries were much shocked, of course, with such -manifestation of disregard for what they called “higher things” and -begged of them to read the little tract called the “Way of Life,” but -these depraved dogs did grievously and irreligiously retort that -Victuals was the only “Way of Life” they cared for, and did turn their -tails and depart, and they were no more heard of in Good Society. - -But there were divers perverse dogs that would neither walk in the “Way -of Life” and the “Fear of God,” nor go down in the depths of depravity. -By the merest good luck they managed to feed fairly well, and this, they -said, was the only reason why they did not become as depraved as their -fellow dogs. - -These were very philosophical dogs in their way. They boldly declared -that the foundation and nine tenths of the superstructure of all -the virtue and good conduct in the world is _plenty of good honest -victuals_; and that that particular form of irregular conduct in dogs -called Crime is neither vice nor wickedness, necessarily, but is, -mostly, Nature’s blind and instinctive rebellion and protest against the -deprivation, by Law, of victuals and other natural rights. Therefore, -said they, as the conduct called Crime is the direct creation and result -of Law, it is very funny that the Law should disown and declare it -illegal. - -These philosophical dogs had constructed what they called a -Conductometer, by which they illustrated the working of their theory. - -This was an ordinary living dog whose stomach had been made visible -through the said dog having accidentally, one day, got in line with a -thing called a “gun” in the hands of an animal of the human species -called a “Sport,” who had “touched it off” just for fun, and blown a -hole in the poor dog’s ribs. - -This dog these philosophers found writhing in pain; and they dragged him -away and hid him to nurse and heal him. - -And one said, “Why not utilize this Providential Opening through which -to scientifically observe the relationship between Victuals and Virtue, -about which there is so much dispute nowadays?” - -And the proposition seemed good unto them; and it was so, that they -stretched over the aperture a transparent membrane, on which they -marked a graduated scale whose zero was located at half fullness of the -stomach; and they called the instrument a “Conductometer.” - -Into this stomach they injected, by means of a funnel, a specially -prepared, nutritious food, and by means of the scale they observed the -relationship of the dog’s behavior to the food in his stomach. - -Now, it was observed that when the quantity of his food was at the zero -line, he was just an ordinary dog, with just ordinary moral ideas; but -for every degree above zero he improved, and for every degree below he -deteriorated. - -When they injected two or three above-zero degrees of food into him, his -eye brightened, and his moral perceptions grew more acute. At this point -they asked him, “What is thine opinion of the Commandment ‘Thou Shalt -not Steal?’” - -[Illustration: FULL.] - -And he replied “It is an excellent one; no dog ought to steal.” - -Then they filled him up one or two more degrees, and asked him the same -question. “It is shocking to steal,” said he, “and the dog that does not -know the difference between _meum_ and _tuum_ ought to be made to know -it with a club.” - -Then they filled him full up. And a glow of most beautiful intelligence -came into his eye; a most reposeful calm came over his frame; a heavenly -peace overspread his countenance, and he displayed a decided propensity -to piety, and an irresistible tendency to hold forth like a fat-salaried -barker, on the virtue of Contentment with one’s earthly lot, Trust in -God and the beauties of Law and Order. - -“What now is thine opinion of the Commandment?” they asked. - -“Oh, the unutterable wickedness of Theft and Crime,” he replied, “it -is abominable; it is damnable; no law can be too stringent and severe -against it; and any one guilty of breaking the Law ought to be hanged, -drawn and quartered, and fed to the beasts of the field and the buzzards -and vultures of the air as a prey and as a warning to others. Oh! The -very contemplation of Crime makes me shudder; do, oh do, change the -painful subject;” and a strong spasm of pain thrilled his frame from -nose to tail. - -[Illustration: EMPTY.] - -But when they allowed his supply of stomach furniture to run low, the -glow of most beautiful intelligence went out of his eye, the most -reposeful calm came off his frame, the heavenly peace went off his -countenance, and the propensity to hold forth, like a fat-salaried -barker, on Contentment and Trust in God, left him. - -And when his supply registered one degree below zero, they asked him -“What is thine opinion of the Commandment ‘Thou Shalt not Steal?’” - -And he replied, absent-mindedly, “Steal? Steal? Well; it is not -right—to be caught at it.” - -But as it fell lower and lower, the dimness of his moral vision -increased, until at the lowest—the starvation point—his eyes glared -and bulged with a ferocious insanity; and when asked then, “Is it -wrong to steal? What is the difference between _meum_ and _tuum_?” he -viciously cursed and snarled and snapped at his questioners, and replied -that he did not comprehend their idiotic jargon, he wanted something to -eat. - -All which, these philosophers said, demonstrated that Vice, Crime and -Sin (so called) are merely symptoms of Want and Poverty, and vacuity of -the alimentary canal; and they boldly asserted that a good sound Gospel -of Comfort and Plenty, earnestly preached would do more in five minutes -to cleanse the earth of sin and fill it with righteousness, than all -the barkings of all the salaried barkers, and all the sin suppressing -machinery of clubs and ropes in the world would do in five thousand -years. - -And when these words came to the ears of the salaried barkers and the -Sin Suppressors they were greatly scandalized, and said they had never -heard such blasphemous and ungospel talk. It was actually bringing -into contempt the sacred machinery of vice squelching, which had been -incorporated by the State, hallowed by the Church, and had grown through -long years and by the expenditure of great wealth and invention, to the -proportions of a National Institution, and a great Vested Interest. It -was actually insinuating, most wickedly, that there was a short, simple -and direct way of attaining an object, which was a gross insult to the -memory of the heaven-anointed Clubstocks, Elder Berrys, Blatherskites -and other sanctified ones whose genius had invented the present -elaborately involuted, convoluted, conglomerated and roundabout way of -getting at it. But, above all, it was a direct blow at the livelihood -of thousands of good and moral dogs who were given employment, at -good feed, to operate the machinery, who would, if this new-fangled -and highly irreligious Gospel of Victuals were adopted, be thrown -completely—yes, completely, brethren—out of work. - -So the Vice Squelchers and the barkers and the eminent fleas had some -of these new gospellers arrested; and they set certain lewd Dogs of -Belial to witness against them that they had blasphemed Religion, and -had plotted a great plot to kill off the fleas, and inaugurate an awful -Society and Civilization of Flealess Dogs. - -Then the judges ordered horns and hoofs and spiked tails and dragons’ -teeth to be fitted upon them, and that they be brought before the -multitude; in whose sight they painted them blacker than hell, and told -the mob that these dogs were dragons and devils. Whereupon the deceived -and enraged multitude did set up a great cry “Hang them! Hang them! Hang -them!” - -So they were delivered over to the police dogs, who carried them away -and hanged them. - -Thus were _they_ suppressed. - - - - -CHAPTER XIX. - - SHOWS THAT VIRTUE IS MUCH MORE A MATTER OF VICTUALS THAN - IS COMMONLY IMAGINED.—HOW THE REVEREND DOCTOR IMMACULATE - BARKWORST WENT OUT TO SAVE SINNERS.—SOME KINDS OF VIRTUE - MORE VICIOUS THAN VICE. - - -[Illustration] - -IN process of time it was noised abroad that there existed in Canisville -a crowd of dissolute dogs, who, on the sly and in dark holes and corners -of the town, smeared themselves all over with filth at night, and danced -before other dirty dogs; which other dirty dogs would reward the dirty -dancers with a few bones. - -So the dancing dogs were able to live—which, the dancing dogs said, was -the main thing in life; whereas as for Virtue, there was no wealth in -it; they could get along very nicely without Virtue, but they must have -Victuals. They said they had gone to every market and tried to exchange -their Labor for something to eat, and all the fleas and all the salaried -barkers, and even the missionary dogs, had laughed at them and uttered -some jargon about the Labor Market being Glutted, which some dogs, well -educated in foreign languages, had translated unto them to mean, that a -very great deal of Labor would buy only a very little bone with a very -little meat on it, and that all skin and gristle. They had tried to find -a place at the Handle of the fleas’ Blood and Bones Grindery, but had -with difficulty escaped being thrown into the hopper. And having nothing -but Virtue to sell for Victuals they had sold that; and, strange as it -might appear, _that_ fetched a far better price than honest toil. So, -if in the market Labor was held in such contempt, they did not see that -they were bound to hold it in reverence, and if Society made it easier -for poor dogs to be wicked than virtuous, that was Society’s look-out, -not theirs. - -So the dirty dogs lived with less discomfort than honest and virtuous -dogs—that is, than those who _passed_ for honest and virtuous; for -there were multitudes of respected dogs that passed by daylight as good -and proper dogs, that sneaked away at midnight to the haunts of the -filthy dogs, to see them dance. And there were to be found there, too, -very many of the most highly respected members of the Church of the -Fleas, who took pleasure in the dances of the filthy dogs and paid good -prices for admission thereto, who wouldn’t have had the fact known for -the world. - -Now, certain zealous members of the Church of the Fleas, who were gifted -with very long and sharp noses, which they were eternally poking into -business not their own, got to know of the existence and occupation of -the filthy dogs; and they were greatly scandalized thereby; for these -dogs were not only vile and depraved—which was bad—but were escaping -the tribute all dogs were divinely appointed to pay to the support of -the fleas—which was worse. Therefore, for these two reasons, were they -determined to break up their business and drive them forth to earn -their living by what they called honest toil, that is, by grinding and -fainting at the Handle of the Blood and Bones Grindery. - -These good suckers were awfully “concerned for the spiritual welfare” -of these bad dogs—that is, they were awfully afraid they were _going -to Hell the wrong way_; and they were determined to drive them into the -_right_ way. So they called upon the police dogs to suppress them, to -drive them into the highways and make them “move on.” But they could -not tell the police where they were to “move on” to; and the police -didn’t know, and the comfortable dogs didn’t worry, and the rich fleas -didn’t care, and everybody else said it was none of his business; and -so everything was in a muddle, and nothing much was done, save that -occasionally one of the dirty dogs got hit on the head. - -But in process of time there arose a mighty dog of a prophet that got -exceeding much meat and a great deal of soft comfort for ministering -in one of the churches of the fleas. He was the Very Reverend Doctor -Immaculate Barkworst, and he had a very much swollen head, with a bump -of self-conceit upon it that stood up like a pinnacle. And he preached -thus unto the sleek fleas: - -“Brethren, ye know of this scandal of the filthy dogs in our midst, -how it is corrupting our youth and deteriorating the quality of the -honest dogs that labor; so that Labor—the noblest, the most sacred and -God-blest occupation that dogs can be called unto, and which fleas are -divinely _not_ called unto—will fall into contempt, and the revenues -of the fleas—_your_ revenues, my dearly beloved masters—will begin to -diminish. - -“Oh, my dear masters! The strength and safety of our country lie in -keeping our dogs virtuous and industrious, and cultivating within them -the love of the sacred and healthily stimulating amusements of singing -psalms and muttering credos. - -“But, my brethren and beloved masters, it is well known that -these scandalous dogs do mock at honest toil and Virtue, and have -irreligiously set up Victuals as the great object of life; and have, -moreover, blasphemously said that the only difference between us, -the salaried barkers, and them, is the difference in Victuals—thus -libellously and contumeliously insinuating that we do not love Virtue -more than Victuals. - -“Now, my dear masters, this evil must be driven out at any cost. We have -laws to drive them out. We have every kind of driving out, moving on, -and sin suppressing society to put them down. Why are they not driven -out therefore? Because the police dogs are vile and corrupt, and “stand -in” with the filthy dogs. I denounce these police dogs, and declare that -_we_ will drive out the filthy dogs, if they won’t.” - -And all the sleek and unctuous fleas said the discourse was well spoken, -and that if ever there was a true follower of the meek and lowly Jesus, -this was he. And straightway the zealous fleas gathered themselves -together and organized the “Filthy Dog Driving Out Society,” and they -made the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, the President -thereof. - -And Doctor Immaculate Barkworst again called on the police dogs in the -name of the Law and the Lord and the Driving Out Society to drive out -the filthy dogs. But the police dogs made excuses and said they were -doing the best they could; and if they could not do more it was for -want of Evidence. Whereupon the Very Reverend Immaculate waxed wroth -and said, “Dogs that ye are; ye unzealous for souls; ye cowardly for -Religion; _I_ will get Evidence.” - -So the Immaculate got himself up in slouchy raiment, and taking with him -several soft-headed bow-wows, also got up in slouchy raiment, proceeded -one moonless midnight, by divers dark and devious ways (which came -natural to him), to the haunt of the filthy dogs, and having knocked at -the door, waited for admission. - -Whereupon the Inside Guard of the Haunt peered through the wicket of the -door, and seeing strangers there, demanded of them, “Who are ye, and -what want ye?” - -To which demand the Immaculate replied, “We be Jays and Hayseeds from a -far country, and seekers after midnight pleasures.” - -“Are ye true and honest seekers?” asked the Inside Guard. - -“In the name of honesty and all verity, we are,” answered the -Immaculate. - -“But, how shall I know that ye are not spies?” queried the Inside Guard. - -“By our proving to you,” said the Immaculate, “that we are really and -truly filthy dogs, like unto you.” - -“But,” said the Inside Guard, “something about your garb seems to -indicate that thou and thy fellows are not what thou sayest ye are; that -ye are not really filthy dogs. Wilt thou swear to me that ye are -what thou sayest ye are?” - -“Yea, verily, will I,” replied the Immaculate Barkworst, “I do solemnly -swear, that _I_ am a dirty dog, a very dirty dog; that in spite of -something in my garb, I am a low-down, filthy reveller from Filthville, -and that these, my pals, are as filthy as I, if not filthier. Behold, -also, we have the wherewithal to pay for seeing your sports.” - -But the Inside Guard still suspiciously hesitated, and said, “Pardon me -if I seem discourteous in keeping ye thus long in the cold; but we are -such harassed and hunted dogs; there are so many Societies seeking our -destruction and scatteration, that we are obliged to be very cautious -and careful; and ye may be spies also seeking to betray us. Now, will -ye swear unto us that if we deal faithfully with you, ye will also deal -faithfully with us?” - -And the Immaculate and the other sneaks replied, “We will,” and they -swore. - -But the Inside Guard said to the Immaculate, “There yet seems to be -something about thee that betokens that thou hast been and lived -somewhere where the Spirit of Christ is, and may have somewhat of a -taint of that Spirit upon thee, in which case thou canst in no wise be -admitted.” - -And the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst was grieved to be kept -so long at the door; and he said, “Before Heaven, I do solemnly swear -that there is no taint of that objectionable Spirit on me. The Odor -thou smellest on me is the real old honest one that belongs to an Old -Frequenter, which I am. Search me, try me, examine me, smell of me, and -thou shalt find not the slightest trace of that Spirit about me. And as -with me, so it is with these, my pals.” - -And the Inside Guard called assistants, and they examined him with -strong magnifying glasses, and turned him over and inside out, and -probed him and smelt of him, and tested him chemically, and finding -no trace of the Spirit of Christ in him, and that he had told the -Truth, they said, “Pass him in; he is a genuine dirty dog like unto the -dirtiest of us, and no spy.” - -So the Reverend Immaculate and the other dirty bow-wows had a high -old time; and they saw all the sports and the dances; and they made -themselves at home and hugely enjoyed the dirty revel; and never once -did any of them betray the slightest sign that they had so much as heard -of Jesus. - -But afterwards, this dirty dog of a prophet got up in the Church of the -Fleas, and boasted of the things he and his fellow dirty ones had done; -of the dark and devious ways by which they had gone to the Haunt of the -filthy dogs and got Evidence; of the lies they had told and acted to -obtain an inside sight thereof; of the filth they had smeared themselves -over with to identify themselves with the filthy ones; of the risk they -had run of being caught by the police dogs and “run in,” as part of the -ungodly crew, and of the terrible plight they would have been in—had -the police dogs caught them—to explain to those undiscerning and -thick-headed animals that they were rolling in the filth for a high and -lofty moral purpose, and to the glory of God, and were breaking the law -in order to get it enforced; how they had plighted their troth with them -in order that they might gain their faith in order to violate it, and -betray them to the police dogs, to be worried and mutilated and made to -“move on.” - -And all the Church of the Fleas applauded, and said he was a right -lovely dog, who had given the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth a tremendous -shove forward, and brought Society within measureable distance of the -millennium, and had shown beyond doubt, that the only truly efficacious -way of making the Blessed Gospel Chariot go, was to get the police to -push behind; and asked a special blessing upon him, and made him up a -special basketful of meat, and gave him a holiday to go across the pond -and rest, and lick himself clean. - -And at their next session, the “Filthy Dog Driving Out Society,” -resoluted the following resolutions: - -“_Whereas_: Our beloved and right morally lovely servant, the Very -Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, has, at immense risk of, and peril -to his own virtue, and with a great sacrifice of Truth and Honesty, -explored the Haunt of Vice in our midst, and turned thereupon a great -light, and has caused the vile inhabitants thereof to be chased out by -_Law_, to “move on” and die and rot—as they do most richly deserve—and -has given us a clean city once more; - -[Illustration] - -“_Resolved_: That we approve his methods; and, - -“_Resolved_: That we hold it to be an irrefragable truth, that the End -always justifies the Means, and that any follower of Jesus may lie in -the cause of Truth; may crawl through the foulest and most stenchful -sewer in the interest of Purity; may break the Law to get Evidence of -its breach by others; may break the most solemnly plighted faith with -sinners in order to trap them into the meshes of the Law; may do all -manner of evil that good may come of it. And finally be it - -“_Resolved_: That the relentless infliction of the penalties of the Law -is the only effective remedy for Sin, and the only sure way of making -sinners love God; and that He who said, ‘Neither do I condemn thee; go -and sin no more,’ was a good-hearted and very well-meaning person, and -all very well for those antiquated days; but for these enlightened and -progressive days, there is nothing like a well-organized police.” - -But when the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst returned from -over the pond, it was found that the fresh air of Heaven had not quite -removed the evil odor of him; for some of the filth with which he -had smeared himself still stuck to him and made him disagreeable to -decent dogs and all save the fleas of the church and the multitudinous -Societies like his own; and in _their_ nostrils his stenchful odor was a -sweet smelling savor. - -And as for the bow-wows that smeared themselves with him, they never -were able to wash themselves quite clean again; and it was afterwards -found that one of them who had sworn that he was a dirty dog had sworn -truly. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XX. - - SHOWS HOW HARD IT IS TO ESTABLISH PIETY AMONGST THE - UNREGENERATE; AND ALSO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE IRRESISTIBLE - COMES IN CONTACT WITH THE IMMOVABLE.—THE BLUE - THUNDERBOLTS. - -[Illustration] - - -[Illustration] - -EMINENT over all the gangs whose objects were the “saving” of dogs, was -the “Society for the Protection of the Almighty.” This was the gang of -gangs, the _elite_ of the rest, the real and truly genuine born-blinds, -live-blinds and die-blinds. It had its origin countless ages before the -founding of Canisville, and had been in all those ages the ever-ready -help of fleas in the bloody exploitation of dogs. - -In the beginning did the very acute fleas discover that if dogs were -to be thoroughly and easily bled, they must be taught to close their -eyes and bow down and believe that over them stood a terrifically awful -thing, called Almighty Wrath. And in those early times most dogs _had_ -closed their eyes and bowed down in fear of the Wrath that stood over -them. And the fleas had prospered mightily thereby; for they had taken -advantage of the dogs’ prostration to get on their backs in fearful -numbers; and when the dogs had howled and grown restless, they had hired -the salaried barkers of those times to bend over the dogs and pour into -their ears that it was the Will of the Almighty that they lie quiet -under the bleeding of the fleas, the penalty for disobedience of which -Will was to be stricken with lightnings and everlasting destruction. - -But in spite of all the terrors, divers dogs at divers times did venture -with pitter-pattering hearts to slyly steal a look upward, and seeing -nothing real there but fleas, and salaried barkers bending low and -pouring tales of woe into the ears of prostrate dogs, did nudge their -neighbors and tell them to look up and see for themselves that there -was nothing there; which sometimes the neighbor timidly did, and was -disillusionized; but more often the neighbor dog groaned with additional -terror of the suggestion, and closed his eyes tighter than ever, -and grovelled lower, and prayed that the Almighty would forgive the -wickedness of the temptation and the audacity of the tempter. - -However, in time quite a number got to furtively peeping up; and each -dog, seeing others peeping up too, grew bold, and not only looked up, -but stood up, and laughed at his own former folly and at the long lines -of foolish dogs bowed down in fear of——Nothing. - -Whereupon the fleas and the barkers were alarmed and counselled together -as to what was best to be done; for they foresaw that if all the dogs -got to looking up they would see that the Almighty Vengeance was a -Fiction, and might also proceed to the impious length of casting the -fleas off their backs. - -So they agreed that something strong must be done, and done quickly, -or the Almighty might be overthrown and perish. Some of the fleas -counselled that the barkers increase their diligence in assuring the -prostrate dogs of the reality of the Wrath, and use more Imagination -in the recital of his terrors. And certain barkers of naturally gloomy -minds, who loved to wander at midnight amongst the skulls and bones of -dead dogs, and to meditate until their imaginations had grown lurid, -voluntarily set themselves apart to invent more horrible attributes and -diabolical features to be affixed to the Almighty. - -But some of the barkers objected that this would involve much -labor—which, as salaried barkers, they were on principle opposed -to, ease and good feed being the main object of their lives—and -they proposed to protect the Almighty by a more easy (to them) and -more reliable method. They said that the horrible inventions would -certainly be very good for the dogs which were still prostrate, and -there were, no doubt, some good, conscientious barkers to whose gloomy -minds the horrible inventions would be a labor of love; but they were -sure the horrible inventions would be too late for the dogs which had -already looked up and got to laughing. Why not turn the protection -of the Almighty over to the police dogs? Themselves would make Blue -Thunderbolts, and set the police dogs to launch them at every dog -discovered holding his head up and laughing. Thus the Almighty would be -protected, and the heavy labor of doing it would devolve on other dogs. - -This proposition was received with great favor, and was deemed a worthy -supplement to the Horrible Inventions. - -And it was so, that the most gloomy-minded barkers with the lurid -imaginations were set apart to invent the horrible attributes to attach -to the already too horrible Fiction with which they terrified the -prostrate dogs. These lurid-minded barkers set to with gusto and zest, -and very soon had revised and re-created him into the most bloodily -cruel, pitiless and unnatural monster of ferocity and hate towards those -who did not want to bow down to him, that the theology-debauched canine -mind had ever conceived. This they called, generically, the Character of -God. They also formulated all the particulars of the manifestation of -his imaginary cruel hate, which consisted of the most blood-freezing -terrors, damnations and eternal pains, which they called by the generic -name of Hell. - -All these Horrible Inventions the other salaried barkers said were most -glorious, blessed and eternal _truths_, which had the sanction of all -true believers, and they were to be poured diligently into the ears of -all prostrate dogs. - -And they did pour these blessed truths into their ears, with great -success; for many of the dogs at the recital thereof went into fits; -many went insane, and most of the rest terrifiedly burrowed deeply in -the earth in their desire to prostrate themselves still lower. - -But, as had been prophesied, the up-looking dogs only laughed the more -at the great Almighty Fiction, and the poor fools who bowed down to it; -and they even barked out blasphemous words of contempt of the new woes -and the lurid-minded inventors thereof. - -[Illustration] - -Whereupon the lurid-minded barkers, at the request of the fleas, did -call in more effectual help for the protection of the Almighty; for -they called in the police dogs, and gave them the Blue Thunderbolts -which the other barkers had invented, and ordered them to launch them -at the contumelious dogs. Which the police dogs did. And many of those -contumelious dogs got it heavily in the neck, and fell over dead or sore -wounded; which caused the rest of them to laugh on the other side of -their mouths; for they found that although the Almighty Vengeance might -be a fiction, the Blue Thunderbolts were terrible facts. - -And the Blue Thunderbolt launchers got to like the sport of keeling over -contumelious dogs; for it gratified their brutal instincts which would -otherwise have been wasted in torturing and killing other creatures, and -at the same time gave them a great reputation for piety, and zeal for -God; all which was very gratifying; _for they found it exceedingly cheap -and easy to be pious along the line of their strongest brutal impulses_. -And the salaried barkers liked it too; for it released them from the -hard labor of persuading the dogs to bow down to the profitable Almighty -Fiction. - -But the lust of keeling over contumelious dogs grew so strong that it -outran the supply of dogs to be keeled over; and it often happened that -the dogs, being all prostrate and in fear, the police dogs, armed with -Blue Thunderbolts, found no one to launch them against; which they -looked upon as a most grievous grievance; and they thereupon reproached -the barkers with giving them too little to do. So the gloomy barkers, -thinking that a little extra terror might be a little extra protection -to the Almighty, besides keeping the police dogs in a cheerful frame of -mind, went about amongst the prostrate dogs, and arbitrarily picked out -many whom they charged with _thinking_ blasphemy and ridicule of the -Almighty Fiction, and by force stood them up for the launchers of Blue -Thunderbolts to knock over. - -But as time went on there came from over the pond many new dogs to -Canisville who did not know anything about the Almighty Fiction or Blue -Thunderbolts, and they circulated amongst the prostrate dogs and hustled -and jostled them and laughed at them, so that the former bold dogs, -feeling encouraged, got up and laughed too; and many of the others got -ashamed of their prostration, and took a little heart, and ventured to -look up, and little by little, leg by leg, they got up and walked, and -laughed surprisedly at seeing nothing to fear but Blue Thunderbolts; -and the lazy barkers found it too much trouble to get them to lie down -again; and the police dogs, being brutal and cowardly, slunk away -ashamed and dropped their Blue Thunderbolts in dark holes and swamps -where they rotted and rusted. - -And that was how the great Almighty Fiction lost his almighty grip on -the dogs and went under a cloud. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XXI. - - THE SACRED ORDER OF ANCIENT TIMERS AND HOLY - RETROGRESSIONISTS, AND THEIR LUGUBRIOUS RITUAL. - - -[Illustration] - -THE barkers were all true and immovable believers in the musty and -mouldy old doctrine that whatsoever was in the beginning ought to be -now and forever, world without end, amen. So they still held themselves -together as the Society for the Protection of the Almighty, as they had -found by past sad experience that he could not be trusted to take care -of himself. - -And, oh! It was a solemn and sad society, that did nothing but weep -and mourn for the “Good Old Days” of the past, when dogs were all kept -with their noses heavenward (downward) by the wholesome administration -of Blue Thunderbolts. And they formed themselves into a solemn Order, -which they called the “Sacred Order of Ancient Timers and Holy -Retrogressionists.” And they had a sacred ritual of mourning and a -service of weeping, and ordinary, extraordinary and special days of -moaning, lamentation and bewailment, and prayer for the resurrection of -the dead past. - -They met weekly in a damp and dead smelling catacomb, at the solemn -hour of midnight, and by the darkling light of smoky torches, stuck in -the eyeholes of skulls. In the center of the meeting place was a huge -crape-covered, black lachrymatory or weeping pot, around which they -gathered to moan, and into which they shed their tears. - -To the north of the lachrymatory was stationed the Grand Lugubrious -Lachrymator, supported by the Worthy Right Hand and the Worthy Left -Hand Weepers; to the south was the Vice Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator, -supported by the Worthy Eyerag Wringer, and his assistant, the Assistant -Worthy Eyerag Wringer. To the east was the Past and Bygone Lugubrious -Lachrymator, and opposite him was the Worthy Grand Exalted Moaner, who -read the prayers. - -And at the tap of a funeral bell, the Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator read -from the Solemn Ritual these words: - -“Oh mourning brethren of the Eternal Tear Drop: It hath been appointed -unto us to bewail the good old days of Prostrate Piety and Blue -Thunderbolts; when the glory of Simple Faith was as the sun in -mid-heaven; when Reason—wicked Faith-upsetting Reason—was in chains; -when our ever glorious Almighty Vengeance and beloved Hell reigned -supreme, and blaspheming questioners were stricken dead; when dogs -everywhere piously and in the fear of God, gave up their blood to their -lawful and divinely appointed suckers, the fleas. - -“These times are temporarily past; but our holy traditions, and -the promises made by our Almighty Vengeance—who for some great, -unfathomably wise and mysterious purpose, has suffered himself to be -cast into the shade for a time—tell us that the ancient glory shall -be re-established, the temporarily overthrown throne of our darksome -God shall be again set up, and to him again shall the nose of every dog -be held down in the dirt; the blasphemers and up-looking dogs shall -perish out of the land, the Blue Thunderbolts shall be refurbished and -shine with a latter-day glory, that shall be to the former glory as the -midday sun is to the midnight star. How saith the Vice Grand Lugubrious -Lachrymator?” - -And the Vice Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator from _his_ book of the Ritual -read: - -“Yea, Verily; and let all Ancient Timers and Holy Retrogressionists of -the pure and genuine musty and mouldy odor, say Amen.” - -At which all the assembly lifted up their noses and groaned “Amen.” - -Then said the Grand Lugubrious Lachrymator: “The Worthy Grand Exalted -Moaner will now put up the Solemn Wail. Let all bow the head.” - -And all the Order bowed their heads while the Worthy Grand Exalted -Moaner, from _his_ book of the Ritual, recited: - -“Oh, Almighty Vengeance, Fiction Eternal: Why art thou hidden from us? -Why have we lost thee? Why hast thou suffered the clouds of unbelief to -encompass thee? Why hast thou suffered the extinguisher of raillery to -snuff thee out, so to speak? Oh, grief be unto us that adversity hath -overtaken thee, and the blasphemer and the pesky sinful dog are on top! -Oh, we did prosper by thee. Thou wast our daily bread. We had invested -in thee. When thou wast the All-Powerful Terror, then were we in power; -then were we held in awe and reverence, and many basketfuls of meat and -a lazy life were ours. But, oh, Ichabod, the glory is departed and our -house is left unto us desolate. Mirth and gladness are fled away from -us; our meat is diminished, and our comfortable lazy life is turned into -a daily hustle, and none but fools and simpletons esteem us reverend. - -“Oh glorious Past! Oh departed Power, Greatness and Glory, come again -from the dead to us. Oh, time of blessed dog ignorance, come, oh, come -back again. Oh, shadow on the dial of time, turn back; oh, wheel of -progress, revolve the hindward way. Oh, Almighty Fiction, if thou canst, -re-establish thyself; set up thy discarded Hell again, and cause it to -be respected. Blight and blast Thought, Reason, Progress and all other -modern and wicked things, and cause thyself and us once more to prosper. -Meanwhile we wait and weep and wail, and wail and weep and wait for -thee, Amen.” - -The Solemn Wail having been recited, all the Order, as the last act of -the service, gathered around the lachrymatory, and shed therein all the -tears of their sorrow, and when it was full to overflowing, they poured -it out on the altar as a libation to their horrible God. - -After which sad rite the service was adjourned, and the celebrants, in -silence, filed home one by one. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XXII. - -RISE AND PROGRESS OF BOB THE GOD-STEALER.—OMNIPOTENCE IN DANGER.—HOW -THE VALIANT BLATHERSKITE CAME TO THE HELP OF THE HELPLESS ALMIGHTY. - - -[Illustration] - -IN the latter days of the sad existence of the Society for the -Protection of the Almighty, there arose most strangely from nowhere, a -huge, heavy-footed dog, that ran about scattering dismay and confusion -amongst the salaried barkers, by encouraging the dogs to speak -disrespectfully of the various societies in general, and of the Society -for the Protection of the Almighty in particular. - -A very independent and fearless dog was he. He was endowed with a voice -of thunder and an eye of lightning, and he had a set of great sharp -teeth that seemed to have been made especially and particularly to tear -and worry the salaried barkers, and the pious dog thumpers and clubbers. - -Wherever they gathered together, there he appeared in the midst of them -to spoil their counsels, to frustrate their plans, and drive them crazy. -Never did they meet save to devise some new way to harass the forlorn -and hungry dogs, in the name of God and to the enrichment of the fleas, -and never did they meet but they had to meet the lightning of his eye, -the thunder of his voice, and the cutting snap of his gleaming teeth; -which, after braving and enduring a few times, they learned to respect -by tucking their tails snugly away between their legs and scattering -with howls of pain and rage, to the accompaniment of the laughter of the -poor dogs which gratefully recognized in him a friend. - -All the pious dog thumpers, the virtue compellers, the morality cobblers -hated him because he boldly told them that the Tree of Virtue could only -grow up out of the ground of Good Victuals and healthy bodies, which -they said was a wicked and damnable heresy and subversive of the good -old Gospel of the Club; and all the salaried barkers hated him because -he laughed at their Almighty Fiction, and called it the ugly creation of -their own diseased brains. - -So, not being able to face him in a stand-up fight, they went about -seeking his destruction in sly and roundabout ways. - -First, they tried their most powerful weapon—a nickname. His name was -Robertus Robustus, for he was of great strength. Therefore they went -about amongst the poor dogs calling him “Bob,” for it was a sacred -religious principle with all salaried barkers to call everyone that -was obnoxious to them, by a contemptuous nickname. They had discovered -through long experience that heresies amongst dogs were more easily -prevented than cured; that it was more efficacious to bring any one into -contempt with them, than to let them see him, hear him and judge of him -for themselves. - -So they called him “Bob,” and sneered over his name whenever they spoke -of him; and they tried to get the dogs to have a horror of him by -describing him as a beast with horns, hoofs and a long spiked tail; and -bore other false witness against him; “for,” said they, “the case is -urgent; the very existence of our God is imperilled, and a little false -witness to save him He will surely pardon, for all is fair in love and -theological war.” - -But what caused these salaried barkers to hate him so intensely was the -fact that “Bob” was a very good and noble dog, and showed more real -kindness of heart and love for the down-trodden and afflicted dogs than -they. They reasoned amongst themselves, and boldly told the dogs that -all God-despisers, all belittlers of the Almighty Fiction, always had -been bad, must necessarily be bad, and therefore “Bob” the God despiser -and ridiculer, must necessarily be bad too; that all contempt of the -ever blessed Almighty Vengeance, and his ever glorious Hell and the -benign eternal tortures, did and _must_ proceed from a corrupt and -wicked heart; that none but believers in the Unutterable Horror, were or -_could_ be good; therefore, “Bob’s” heart must be rotten and his life -wicked. And when a dog objected that the _fact_ that “Bob’s” life being -good did not agree with and justify their theory, they said that was all -the worse for the fact. - -So they proclaimed abroad that “Bob’s” goodness was an irregular, -unsanctified and wicked goodness, more wicked than immorality; a cloak -“put on” to hide the devilishness of his purpose, which was to steal -their God and leave the dogs Godless; which the salaried barkers -all and unanimously declared was a great step to the next greatest -misfortune—to leave the dogs flealess. - -But “Bob” Robertus Robustus cared not. He went on showing himself and -laughing at the Almighty Monstrosity, and pleading with the remaining -prostrate dogs to lift up their heads, and generally making the many -societies look silly. - -So the salaried barkers, perceiving that this big dog had grown very -dangerous, and that dogs everywhere were growing irreverent, and that -instead of receiving with meekness and with the wide open mouth of -Simple Faith, the large chunks of ancient and mouldy dogmas of Orthodox -Religion, with which the barkers daily fed them, were falling into the -wicked habit of shutting the mouth of Simple Faith, and opening the eye -of Reason, and smelling, with an inquiring smeller, of the ancient and -mouldy dogmas, and poking the nose of irreverence into the “why” and -“wherefore” of all the sacred humbugs, resolved to call a conference to -devise ways and means to stay the ravages this dangerous dog was -working. - -All the little and lesser salaried barkers came to the conference with -fear and trembling, for their little souls were weighed down with the -conviction that if something were not done soon to this irreverent dog, -it was all up with them; but when they saw that the Reverend Tee de -Little Wit Blatherskite was there, they took heart of hope, for they -all knew him to be a most valiant defender of Simple Faith and enemy of -Reason. - -One of them therefore arose and said: “Brethren and fellow barkers; we -to whom has been committed the care of the ever holy dogmas, upon which, -up to the present, we have been enabled to preserve the blessed hoary -mould and the ancient musty smell, are gathered here to-day by a common -sense of a common peril. Ye know that there hath arisen amongst the dogs -a fierce and wicked dog of large dimensions and great strength, who is -teaching them to laugh at sacred things and bring _us_ into contempt. -Now, it follows that if we are brought into contempt, not only will our -living be gone (which is the thing of greatest moment), but the divinely -ordained relations between the dogs and our patrons and masters, the -fleas, will be disrupted, and go to the dogs; and we, the divinely -appointed guardians of those sacred relations, shall draw upon our heads -the wrath of the Monstrous Fleas, who will regard us as unfaithful -stewards of their interests. - -“In this perilous hour, then, we need some one who will point a way out -of our trouble. I am happy to say I see with us our valiant friend, -the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite.” (Immense and prolonged -barking by the whole assembly.) “I need not say he is our champion. Ye -all intuitively perceive that there is none so fit as he to grapple with -this newly arisen terror of a dog. - -“I propose, therefore, that he be appointed our standard bearer, our -sword wielder, our lightning discharger, our thunderer against our -enemy.” (Immense and prolonged acclaim.) “Is he not most fit, I say, -to be our champion? Is he not most valorous of mouth? Pours there not -therefrom the most undammed torrent of eloquence that ever tumbled from -the lips of mortal barker? Is he not the tried and proven champion -Reason destroyer? Yea, verily, brethren. How many times has my soul been -exalted with pride, as I have seen him in battle with Reason, belt him -over the head, give it him in the neck, upper and under cut him, roast -him in the ribs, cross buttock him, overthrow him, kick him, kill him.” -(Great barking.) “Yea, verily, brethren, there never was, in all this -world, a barker so contrary to Reason, so deadly a foe to it as he. He -is worthy to be our leader.” (Loud and prolonged acclaim, and cries -of, “He is; he is; he is;” and calls of “Blatherskite, _Blatherskite_, -BLATHERSKITE.”) - -Whereupon the great Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite arose and -opened his mouth and spake: - -“Brethren of the Most Holy Order of Divine Barkers: I feel proud of the -high honor ye have conferred upon me in calling me to be your champion -against this Goliath, who so impudently cometh forth to defy the armies -of the living Almighty. Who is this dog that imagineth, with his great -spear of Reason, to smite and slay our ancient Simple Faith? With my -little sling and stone will I smite him, and he shall be no more. My -brother, who proposed me to be your leader, was right in his generous -eulogy of me; I do despise and hate Reason with all my soul. I hate -it as a deadly snake and trample it under foot every time I get the -chance—which is every time I speak. This wielder of the spear of -Reason, this Bob, this God-stealer, is an infidel and a blasphemer, and -will go straight down to Hell, like that friend of his, that dirty dog, -that Tom who wrote the ‘Age of Reason,’ and was tormented of our God -for it. Oh, my brethren, he suffered untold agonies in his conscience, -and served him right, too. At least we barkers have always said he did, -because he ought to have suffered if he didn’t. Some there are who say -we lie when we say he suffered, but I don’t believe that _our_ God would -allow any one to preach Reason without making it all-fired hot for him; -at least I know if _I_ had been God, _I_ would have made his soul shriek -with pain; _I_ would have tormented him, for there is nothing more -fatal to _our_ religion and _our_ interests than Reason. Then down with -Reason, I say, for it is the whole Devil, and every truly sanctified -barker’s eternal enemy. - -[Illustration] - -“As for this other Reasoner, this Bob, surely we can kill him, just -as we killed his predecessor, Tom. Never call him by his respectable -name of Robert; none but barkers and true believers are entitled to be -called by their respectable names. That’s how we overthrew Thomas—by -contemptuously calling him Tom. We got the world to deride him; that -was far more easy than to refute his book. Call him ‘Bob,’ then; and -brethren, in a cause so momentous and holy as this, ye may even lie -about him; for the world will always believe anything evil about a -dog with a bad name; but if by any miracle of grace he should ever be -converted, _then_ ye shall call him Robert, and esteem him respectable. - -[Illustration] - -“This Bob is an awful public danger; if he be allowed to run around -loose he will steal our God, he will overthrow the Almighty; he will -deprive the dogs of the inestimable blessing of having something to -worship. Already hath he somewhat loosened his eternal foundations, and -shaken his immovable fixtures, and on several occasions, had it not been -for us rushing to his rescue, our Almighty must have been overthrown. - -“Now, brethren, this constant strain upon our minds, this perpetual -anxiety to ward off this beast’s constant attacks upon our omnipotent -God, is wearing us to skin and bone. Something ought to be done to -restrain him. Have we not laws to imprison such as he? Yea, verily, have -we. Have we not laws against blasphemy? Yea, we have. Then why is this -dog allowed to go about putting our God in peril? Why is he allowed to -go about sapping and mining under his feet with intent to make him fall? -He has been caught many times boring holes in his anatomy and letting in -the daylight; he has been convicted many times of exposing the mystery -of his flaming eyes and his smoking mouth and nostrils, yet nothing has -been done to him. Where are the police? Where are the good old Blue -Thunderbolts? Alas! they rust and rot in the swampy places, where our -cowardly police dogs dropped them when Unbelief reared its ugly head in -our midst. - -“Oh brethren, what we need is a great revival of the good old-fashioned -Blue Laws and the Blue Thunderbolts. We need the re-erection of the good -old safeguards wherewith our fathers surrounded our Almighty God, and -preserved him, which the degenerate dogs of this day have allowed to -fall into innocuous desuetude. Oh! we need the revival of the good old -methods, by which Reason and Unbelief were held down by the strong hand -of the Law, and the eternal, almighty and all-convincing truths of our -only genuine and original Gospel were given a show. - -“No wonder that True Religion and Simple Faith prospered and prevailed -in those days; for the authorities were all holy and did their duty—the -police were effective. And no wonder that Reason and Unbelief stalk -haughtily abroad to-day and our omnipotent Almighty is despised, -rejected and shoved to the rear; for our laws are obsolete, and our -authorities careless and indifferent about helping him. - -“Let us then, pray for a great outpouring of holy zeal upon the police, -that they may be inspired to dig up the good old Thunderbolts and polish -them for use again. Is not this Bob dog a public nuisance? Is he not -endeavoring to make all dogs godless, and by so doing endeavoring to -overthrow the country, even as his friend the Tom dog tried to do in -his day, and perhaps would have done had not God caused him to die an -infidel’s death? - -“His suppression, then, ought to be the public concern, and I call on -our police, our rulers, and all fleas big and little that have the love -of God and Country in their hearts to put him down, imprison him, and -forever shut his mouth.” - -At the conclusion of this magnificent burst of oratory all the assembled -barkers burst into loud and prolonged approbation, and some one -moved, and another seconded, and another supported, and the assembly -unanimously carried a Resolution; that - -“WHEREAS, Our good old Almighty and fearful God and his blessed eternal -Hell are menaced by a certain blasphemous dog, of the name of Bob, with -utter destruction and overthrow, and - -“WHEREAS, The said destruction and overthrow of the said Almighty would -lead straight and swift to utter godlessness amongst dogs, and to the -setting up of Thought and Reason in his place, and - -“WHEREAS, In the setting up of said Thought and Reason, all dogs -everywhere would be led to shake off all allegiance they owe to the -divinely appointed fleas, and with them us and all our vested worldly -interests, - -“_Resolved_, That we call upon Pup McPoodle, his counsellors, the -police, and all who have the safety of the country and the welfare of -dogs at heart to arise at once in their might and rescue our terribly -beleaguered and imperilled God, by smiting this Bob and all his -following with a great smiting greatly, and if necessary killing them -all, and hand over their souls to us for damnation, which we undertake -to do with all solemnity, neatness and despatch.” - -And this resolution was signed by all the Society for the Protection -of the Almighty, and all the other many Anti-Evil Societies, and all -the eminent and Monstrous Fleas, and was carried by Tee de Little Wit -Blatherskite and other choice-souled barkers to the authorities. And the -authorities said it was a very fine resolution, and did great credit to -the holy zeal and patriotism of all concerned; and nothing would give -them greater pleasure than to make the poor dogs more miserable if it -were possible; but just now there seemed to be no feasible way of doing -it, and they were afraid that their Almighty would have to wag along as -best he could, for the present. Anyhow, they would see about it—they -would see about it. - - - - -CHAPTER XXIII. - - DOGS COMING TO THEIR SENSES.—A VERY SLOW - PROCESS.—MARVELLOUSLY LEATHER-HEADED ECONOMIC REASONING, - WHICH SHOWS THAT WORKING DOGS ARE ALMOST AS PIG-HEADED AS - LABORING HUMANS, IN DISCERNING SELF-EVIDENT FACTS. - - -[Illustration] - -NOW it was at this evil time, when the meagre, weak and bloodless misery -of the dogs had reached its depth, and the burden upon them of the -unasked-for means for their salvation was heaviest; and the fleas had -reached the limit of their biggest and tightest expansibility, that a -vague terror took possession of the fleas. This was occasioned by the -strange behavior of the dogs at various times. - -Sometimes a dog, right in the midst of his very insanest scratching for -food, would flop suddenly down in the gutter and look up to heaven, and -sigh and scratch his head as though he had a dark problem on his mind, -the solution of which might be found up there. After a spell of this -sort of contemplation the dog would as suddenly resume his insanity, -apparently having concluded that his looking up there was in vain. - -Then it was noticed that several insane dogs, when they met, would -stop and all together look up to heaven, and sigh and then look into -each other’s eyes, as though seeking therein for light on some dark -conundrum; when, after a few moments of such contemplation, they would -all simultaneously let off a bark of disappointment, resume their -insanity and scatter. - -On brilliant moonlight nights, some of the dogs that had looked up to -heaven in the daytime and seen nothing, would stare up at the moon for a -long time and wag their tails and heads with apparent satisfaction, and -bark vociferously; but no one gave heed to them, as they were said to be -lunatics. - -Others meandered down to the edge of the pond, and after gazing in a -distraught and far-away manner for a time, would shake their heads, and, -suddenly turning tail, would scamper off and fall to their scratching -more madly than ever. - -Sometimes hundreds of them would gather in the open places and look, -some towards the East, some towards the West, some towards the North, -and some towards the South, and some towards the zenith, and each set -would bark. - -And it was told the eminent fleas, and the large fleas, and the -Monstrous Fleas, how many of the dogs were behaving. And the fleas were -much concerned, and called all the wise fleas that could be found, and -diligently inquired of them what time this erratic behavior had broken -out, and what it might mean? - -And the wise fleas answered they didn’t know unless it was that some -queer and unusual disease had broken out amongst them, and they were -having spells of sanity, and might during those spells, be thinking and -pondering and meditating, in which case it behooved the fleas to watch -them closely and take steps to apply some remedy. - -Some of the fleas said that was sound advice and ought to be taken -at once, as thinking was the very worst disease a dog could have. -Experience had shown that this disease was a most insidious one, whose -first symptoms were very insignificant and unimportant, but in time -developed into a most contagious, infectious and deadly plague, and -they would advise that a Board of Health be organized at once, and a -number of inspectors be appointed to make domiciliary visits amongst the -dogs to ascertain and report on their mental condition. Thus, a possible -epidemic of thinking might be checked in its incipiency, and a possibly -great calamity avoided. - -But most of the fleas said they didn’t think there was any cause for -alarm—at least just now; for if the dogs had really caught the thinking -infection, it was so slightly that it would amount to nothing; but if -the case should really grow serious, they had great confidence that the -police dogs were so good and faithful (being well fed), that any very -serious case would be promptly quarantined; and if extreme measures -should be called for, the dog so afflicted could be killed; which was, -in the opinion of all eminent fleas, an infallible cure in the case of -_that_ dog, and an infallible preventive of the disease in any other. - -So the fleas went on making themselves comfortable and did not form any -Board of Health. - -The dogs, however, got no better, and still went about staring at -vacancy. - -One day a dog that had flopped down in the gutter to sigh and scratch -his head, and look up to heaven, seeing another dog looking up into -heaven said unto him: “Why gazest thou so earnestly up into heaven?” - -And the other dog said: “And why gazest _thou_ so earnestly up into -heaven?” - -And the first dog replied: “Because I am convinced that it comes from -above.” - -And the second dog, encouraged, said: “That also is my conviction. I am -sure we work hard enough to make a living, yet the harder we work the -harder it is to make a living.” - -“It is a mystery,” said the first dog. - -“It is, indeed,” replied the second dog, “a great and deep mystery. -It must be that Heaven is angry with us for our sins, and that this -our everlasting hunger and defeat of the object of all our life-long -scratching for food is Heaven’s chastisement, which, as the good -missionaries and Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite have so often told us, -though for the present it seemeth grievous, will at last work out for us -a far more exceeding plenty in the grubful Canaan up there.” - -Which far-away heavenly prospect made them both sigh tremendously, and -bring their gaze back again to earth, where they saw, not many yards -away, another dog looking up into heaven. He gazed thitherward for a -long time, and sadly sighing, was about to resume his normal insanity -and rush off, when he gave a terrible yelp, which was caused by an -unusually venomous nip, by an unusually large and powerful flea, right -in the region of the root of his tail. Turning to pay attention to the -trouble there, he saw a lot of fleas skipping and scampering about, and -having a most hilarious time, and some, he imagined, were laughing at -him. - -Why he paid especial regard to such a common phenomenon, he did not know -and could not have told. Probably it was because he was afflicted with a -more than usually bad spell of sanity and mental lucidity, and had what -the other dogs called a “Jag” on, during the continuance of which he had -visions of things as they really were. Whatever the reason, he stared -at them even more fixedly and concentratedly than ever he had gazed up -into heaven. His eyes grew big and bulged, and the longer he stared the -bigger they grew and the more they bulged. Then slowly there came into -them a strange and unaccustomed light, as of a consciousness that was -returning after a prolonged absence from home. After a time he winked -an eye and then rubbed both very hard with his paws, and ejaculated: -“Blamed if I don’t think I have been looking in the wrong direction. I -don’t think it comes from above, after all. I do believe it’s fleas.” -And he wagged his head sapiently and looked at the fleas again, and -wagged his head once more, which having done several times, as though -to confirm himself in the surety that he had really made a great -discovery, he trotted away; and the other two observing dogs followed -him. - -He trotted away to where some of the other dogs were gazing steadfastly -up into heaven, and poking some of them in the ribs he cried, “Fleas, -fleas;” then leaving them to growl and curse his disturbance of their -meditations, he trotted down to a group that were gazing far away over -the pond, and poking some of their ribs, he cried, “Fleas, ye blind! -Fleas;” and leaving them to snarl and curse, he betook himself to the -public places where sundry groups were gazing and barking towards the -East and towards the West, and towards the North and towards the South, -and cried aloud, “Fleas, ye fools! Fleas.” But most of the dogs, whose -gazing was thus rudely disturbed, took umbrage thereat, and chased him, -and demanded to know why he had thus violently and ill-behavedly broken -in upon their meditations? - -“Because,” said he, “I want you to look in the right direction; I have -just found out what is amiss with us all—it is _fleas_; FLEAS, and -_nothing but fleas_.” - -But the heavenward gazers said: “Not so; our troubles come from above; -it is Heaven that hath mysteriously, but, no doubt, in infinite wisdom, -afflicted us, as say the salaried barkers.” - -“Heaven!” cried another crowd, “Nonsense; they do not; any fool can see -they come from the East.” - -“Yes, and none _but_ fools can see they come from the East or from -Heaven; all wise dogs know they come from the West, from the land of the -almond-eyed, long-tailed Yellow Dog,” cried the Westward gazers, who -themselves had come from the East. - -“A fine lot of wise dogs ye are!” cried the Southward gazers, “since -it’s as plain as daylight that our hunger and poverty are entirely from -the South, in the shape of those inferior kinky-haired Black Dogs that -are used to hunger and can bear it better than we.” - -“Ha! Ha! Ha! He! He! He!” laughed the Northward gazers. “Come off, do. -That is the silliest explanation yet. Anyone with the smallest and -feeblest faculty of observation can see that the North is the only and -all sufficient source of all our afflictions.” - -“Bah! Fools and idiots that ye are!” yelled the pondward gazers. “Ye are -all wrong; any one can see that our troubles are all due to the coming -of those dirty dogs from over the pond, from Hungryland, Dirtland and -Choleraland.” - -“Yes,” cried a little crowd that had arrived but a short time from -thence, “It’s a shame to allow so many in, filling up the country and -snatching our bones. There ought to be a law passed.” - -[Illustration] - -“And if it had not been for your coming,” screamingly replied a crowd -that had arrived a long time before, “we would not be starving now. The -gates ought to have been shut long ago.” - -“Aye, Aye,” sneered a lot of the native born dogs, “the day after _you_ -got safe in, of course. For our part, we think it a wicked outrage on us -that foreigners were allowed here at all, taking the bread out of the -mouths of the rightful owners of the country. There ought to have been a -law passed at first to keep out foreigners.” - -“And where would your fathers have been then?” sneered back the -foreigners. - -And the contention waxed hot; each angrily vociferating that all the -others were fools, idiots and liars, and they put out their tongues at -one another, and snarled and growled; and at last they got into an awful -fight; from which many of them emerged with torn ears and noses, broken -legs, loosened teeth and amputated tails. - -But as for the unfortunate dog that said “Fleas,” he was badly battered, -for in the general fight every one of the combatants struck at _him_. -But he got away at last and hid himself. - -Nevertheless there were some of the far-away gazers that after the fight -could not help thinking over the suggestive words he had let fall; and -they thought that _possibly_ their afflictions did come wholly and -solely from their fleas. - -The consequence was that these dogs took to regarding the fleas -continually and very intently; and other dogs, wondering what they were -looking at so much, began also to look at the fleas. - - - - -CHAPTER XXIV. - - THE THINKING CONTAGION MAKES ALARMING - PROGRESS.—CONFERENCE OF FRIGHTENED FLEAS.—SAGE - COUNSEL.—EFFICACIOUS MEASURES DEVISED.—HOW THEY - WORKED.—THE SACRED TRUSTS.—THE HOLY ANGEL’S BOOK OF - DEATH.—THE PLAGUE STAYED. - - -[Illustration] - -AND it was told the fleas that a dog had arisen, that had said: “Fleas, -ye fools, fleas,” and had drawn several other dogs after him, whom he -had taught to say likewise. - -And the eminent fleas, and the big fleas, and the Monstrous Fleas, -gathered themselves together, and sent a quick flea unto certain wise -fleas saying, “Haste ye, and come quickly to our aid, for the dread -pestilence hath broken out; tarry not in all the way, for the matter is -urgent.” - -And the wise fleas came on the hop and the skip and the jump, and said: -“We told you so; we did advise you not to despise the day of small -symptoms; but ye heeded not our advice. Therein ye did err; for it is -well known that we know a thing or two. We did advise you that that -intent gazing of the dogs did betoken the outbreak of an epidemic of -thinking amongst them, which, had it been grappled with then, would have -been easy to stamp out; but now we fear the disease has made dangerous -progress. This thinking of theirs has reached the stage of audible -expression, which is the stage of most rapid contagion and infection.” - -“True, true,” said a Monstrous Flea—Andronicus Carnivorous—pale with -affright; “We are credibly informed that some of these dogs have even -lifted up their voices in the public places, and boldly told the other -dogs that if they had no fleas they need never be hungry; to which some -of the listening dogs, it is reported, replied, ‘Down with the fleas.’ -And we have been informed—but for the truth of it we cannot vouch—that -quite a number of those suffering from this truly terrible thinking -disease, have formed what they call the ‘Flealess Dog Club,’ which slyly -meets at midnight, and dances with delirious joy over the prophesied -coming of a most dreadful time when all dogs will be free from all fleas -of every sort and size.” - -And all the assembled fleas cried out in chorus, “Alas, what shall we -do?” - -But the wise fleas said, “Courage, brethren; all is not lost; there is -a margin of safety left, which, if utilized properly, will, with God’s -blessing, restore these poor dogs to their usual state of insanity, -and avert the danger of our extinction. Ye ought, of course, to have -grappled with this malady in its incipiency; nevertheless, with an extra -effort, lost time may be made up, and the disease stamped out. A Board -of Public Safety must be formed at once.” - -“Had we not better pass a law,” said a Monstrous Flea—Pharaoh -Phrique—“making it a capital offence for a dog to think, and have all -the guilty ones executed with great tortures? There’s nothing like -striking terror into the hearts of the dogs, if you want to keep them -good and healthy.” - -“Aye! Aye!” chorused all the others fiercely, “that’s the talk.” - -“Pardon me, Brother Phrique,” replied a wise flea, “for dissenting from -so eminent a dog killer as thyself; but all wise fleas have found that -the only true and efficacious way is, not to kill the thinkers, but to -discourage the breed; to let the thinkers die off naturally, and replace -them with a breed of non-thinkers. To this end their brains must be -watched, and where-ever possible no thought must ever be allowed to -enter; and in those cases where we cannot prevent its entrance, we must -give them amusements, distractions and other substitutes for thinking. -We must use artifice, not force; we must lure, not compel; for force and -compulsion would defeat our aim by causing them, through the grievance -they would thereby have against us, to begin thinking most grievously; -whereas, by fooling them into going, of their own accord, in the way we -want them to go, we would accomplish our object, and at the same time -leave them to feel that they are free and independent dogs—which is to -be done every time.” - -“Therefore we do advise that the Board of Public Safety devise all -manner of anti-thinking devices, and put them in operation at once, -for there is no time to lose. History shows that wherever the empire -of fleas over dogs has been overthrown, it has always been due to the -neglect of the fleas, of those times, to keep up to due efficiency the -anti-thinking devices of those times. Remember, we beseech you, that -eternal vigilance in keeping the dogs from thinking, is the price of -your rule over them. - -“Now, the most efficacious anti-thinking remedy, is hard work, and -eternal plenty of it. Give the dogs plenty to do. Make the pace fast and -furious, and cause them to hustle to stay their hunger, and take all -means to make their hunger get ahead of their hustling; cause them to -have to scratch from early morn to midnight, so that the moment they’ve -done work for the night, they will fall asleep from fatigue, and never -wake until it is high time to be at their scratching again. Make leisure -impossible, and idleness synonymous with starvation, and we give you our -word of guarantee, that the dogs will soon be on the way to recovery. - -“But, as interminable work alone, although a most excellent—and -the main—remedy for thinking, would in the end sour their minds -and enfeeble their bodies, and so reduce their yield of blood—thus -defeating the main purpose for which a wise Creator created them, -and predisposing them to crime and wickedness—a certain amount of -recreation _must_ be allowed them. In this need of recreation lies -their only danger. They must not be allowed much recreation; for much -would give them time to think—which must be especially guarded against. -They must have so little recreation that their exhaustion shall incline -them only to amusements. - -“But, in the reaction from the exhaustion of toil, they will be apt to -seek mad, unhealthy, delirious and body-weakening amusements. Therefore, -it behooveth you to provide that their amusements be both recuperative -and anti-thinking. Lo! We have spoken.” - -And this advice of the wise fleas seemed good and sage unto the other -fleas; and the Monstrous Fleas (all but Pharaoh Phrique, who became -sulky and declared that the wise fleas were a lot of old fogy fools -not to see that to hang, shoot, choke and kill the pesky dogs was the -shortest, quickest and altogether the most efficacious way of putting -them down), said, that come to think of it, they believed that eternal -work _was_ the finest antidote to the thinking poison, that had been -devised, for they had noticed that though their dogs that turned the -great Handle had at various times displayed alarming symptoms of the -thought disease, they were happy to say they, by the application of the -perpetual-work remedy, were now almost cured; and they believed that -with care in keeping them eternally at it, they would suffer no relapse. - -So the fleas formed the Board of Public Safety. And the first thing they -did was to send a committee unto McPoodle, commanding him to provide -them gangs of police and other dogs, to go by night through all the -highways and byways of Canisville, and rake up all the bones and scraps -and broken victuals they could find, in order that the dogs in the -morning might have to scratch long and furiously to find a mouthful. - -And McPoodle did as he was commanded, and sent his well-fed police and -other dogs out to make the working dogs hungry. And they raked and -scraped the highways and the byways, and gathered up all the food there -was to be seen, and sorted the various scraps into heaps, and carried -every heap into a Corner by itself. - -And the fleas commanded McPoodle, and he appointed a few of the most -eminent fleas to be Trustees and custodians over each heap. - -And on the day of appointment those Trustees and custodians did -reverently lift up their eyes to heaven, and say they accepted the -custody thereof, as a sacred Trust from God and McPoodle, and did -solemnly vow that they would administer that Trust in the fear of God, -and altogether in the interest of the dogs, to whom they had a deep and -heartfelt desire to make victuals cheap. This, said they, not because -they loved the dogs, but because they had the Corners and could afford -to lie. - -Then came to pass all that had been predicted by the wise fleas. The -dogs hungrily ran about the bare streets, seeking food, but found -nothing but a few chance scraps, that had escaped the vigilant diligence -of McPoodle’s sweepers. So ravenous was their hunger, and so scarce the -means of satisfying it, that the dogs’ noses were ever in the dirt, -and grew sore and bloody with their eternal nosing after the Something -that so seldom they found. As for their eyes, they grew, by reason of -being ever strained towards the dirt, to be permanently near-sighted -and microscopic, so that larger things, such as hills and trees and sky -became indistinct and almost invisible to them. And as for their brains, -they shrank and shrivelled until they could only receive one thought, -and that was—Victuals. - -So that the fleas rejoiced, and were glad, and the wise fleas were -held in great honor for having devised so great a salvation from the -threatened perils of the thinking plague. - -And the wise fleas warned the eminent and the wealthy fleas, to be sure -to retain the advantage they had gained, and keep the dogs well starved, -for nothing kept a dog’s brain so thoroughly fortified against the -invasion of uplifting and seditious thoughts, as perpetual hunger and -tearing around to appease it. And the eminent and the wealthy fleas -said they would see to it with pleasure. - -But, by and by, after many dogs had dropped dead in their vain -struggling search for victuals in the cleaned-out highways and byways, -the hungry dogs were compelled to repair to the Corners, and beg of the -fleas that held the heaps as a Sacred Trust from God, to give them a -mouthful for God’s sake to keep them from dying. - -But the lordly fleas that had the Sacred Trust, spake haughtily unto -them, and said that as Heaven had most wisely seen fit, by means of -the Sacred Trust, to give the fleas the Bulge on the dogs, they were -determined to be faithful to Heaven, and use the said Bulge to the glory -of Heaven, and the safety of Society which had but very recently been -in peril of destruction, and, therefore, none but good and moral, lowly -and obedient dogs, that had never held seditious thoughts, had never -tried, or thought of trying, to shake off their fleas, had never doubted -or been tempted to doubt, the divine and indisputable right of fleas to -suck the blood of dogs, would receive any scraps from the heaps which -had been committed to them—the Sacred Trustees. - -And all the hungry dogs hastened to assure the Sacred Trustees that they -were and always had been good and moral, obedient and unseditious dogs -that had never doubted the divine rights of fleas. - -But the Sacred Trustees said that was not so, for they had a Holy Angel -who kept a Book of Death, in which was written with everlasting ink, -the names of those undesirable dogs whom certain sneak dogs, called -Detectives, had reported to them to have been guilty of thinking and -speaking evil of fleas; and these had been Blacklisted, to be sent away -into everlasting hunger. - -Upon which they commanded the Angel to read out the names of the -Accused; who were ignominiously driven shrieking away, by the police -dogs who, being fat and well fed, did drive them away with pleasure, and -club them with alacrity. - -But the Blessed Ones, whose names were not written in the Book of Death, -did cringingly wag their tails, and lick the feet of the police dogs, -and reverentially pray their good lords, the Sacred Trustees, to give -them something to push the walls of their stomachs apart with, for they -were fallen together with hunger. Thereupon, the Sacred Trustees were -graciously pleased to order certain servant dogs to throw over the fence -just scraps enough _not to be sufficient to go around_, and to keep the -dogs avidiously scrambling and savagely fighting for them. - -This policy, said the wise fleas, would keep the dogs’ thoughts in their -stomachs, where alone dogs’ thoughts ought to be; for when they mounted -to their heads they rendered dogs bad citizens and of no good to the -fleas. - -And it was so that the dogs grew unable and unwilling to think of -anything but the horrible and ever enlarging vacuum in their insides, -and of what to fling into it. - -So the plague was stayed. - - - - -CHAPTER XXV. - - DEMONSTRATES THAT ALL IS NOT SUCCESS THAT SUCCEEDS, AND - THAT AN OVERDOSE OF PHYSIC IS AS BAD AS A DISEASE.—ALL - WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES THE DOGS, NOT ONLY DULL, BUT - FEROCIOUS.—DEVISING BAMBOOZLEMENTS.—CHANCY MOUNTEBANK - DEPHOOL FLEA AND HIS BAMBOOZLING COMMITTEE. - - -[Illustration] - -TRULY the plague of thinking was stayed, but a peril took its place -which the over-jubilant fleas had overlooked. For the dogs, by reason of -the intensifying of their hunger by the Cornering of all the means of -life by the Sacred Trustees, began to develop a hunger madness that took -on the form of blind and unthinking violence. - -Now that the fleas had succeeded so well in keeping the dogs’ thoughts -down in their stomachs, and out of their heads, the dogs acted from -stomach alone, and in a way most disappointing and discouraging to the -fleas. They had ceased to think, certainly, but what they lacked in -thought they made up in feeling, and went blindly at anything that might -appease their awful hunger. They tore and killed and ate one another, -and, in their indiscriminating rage, ate even some fleas; and so meagre -and skinny did they become that their yield of blood very sensibly -diminished, insomuch that thousands of little fleas shrivelled up and -died, and divers of the eminent and large fleas grew slack around the -paunch. - -In this extremity the fleas sent again for the wise fleas, and said: -“Alas! what shall we do? for the remedy is worse than the disease; we -have cured the dogs of thinking and seditiousness, but thereby our -Dividends have shrunk, and many of our beloved friends have died. -Better had we taken the risk of sedition than have brought on this state -of things. Your advice was not good.” - -But the wise fleas replied: “Ye did overdo the matter. Told we not you -that ye must not quite kill the dogs that are your life? Ye ought to -have given them food and rest and recreation enough to have kept up -their blood-yielding efficiency. Ye have been great fools. Ye can only -carry the keeping-busy remedy to a certain point; beyond that it must be -supplemented by a wise bamboozlement. The two must be worked together in -proper proportion. Neither alone is all-sufficient; ye can neither treat -them altogether with perpetual toil and scramble, nor with perpetual -bamboozlement; but the two combined and worked in concert will bring ye -full salvation. - -“Now, therefore, for the future be wise, and appoint ye a Bamboozling -Committee, and let those who are by special fitness appointed to keep -the dogs hungry and on the eternal trot note well the exact point at -which they require a recuperating respite—that is, a holiday—and then -let the Bamboozlers come on and take charge of them while they rest. -Thus shall the dogs be beautifully passed alternately from the Hunger -Makers to the Bamboozlers, and from the Bamboozlers to the Hunger -Makers, and they shall beautifully be preserved in health and utter -idiocy.” - -And the fleas said: “How and where shall we find the Bamboozlers ye -recommend?” - -The wise fleas replied: “That is easy; there are lots of them about, of -one sort or another. Let the Boards of Public Health and Safety seek out -fleas that have large understanding of and are learned in the science -and art of elegant fooling and beautiful lying, that are exceedingly -skillful of mouth, and can be depended on at a moment’s notice at any -time to demonstrate with all-convincing persuasiveness that black is -white, that darkness is light, and evil good, and can do this most -amusingly, and let these be appointed a Bamboozling Committee to devise -all manner of amusements and bamboozlements for the dogs, that shall -occupy their holiday moments and make them happy. Let your motto be: -‘Eternal bamboozlement is the price of Safety.’ We have spoken.” - -And the advice of the wise fleas seemed good unto the other fleas, and -they commanded the Board of Public Safety to diligently search out such -as had great skill in bamboozlement. And the Board of Public Safety did -so; and at the end of seven days the eminent and wealthy fleas gathered -themselves together to hear how the Board of Public Safety had done. - -And the Board of Public Safety made report thus: “Most eminent and -wealthy fleas: According to your order and commandment we have gone -through all Canisville and the country roundabout, and have sought -diligently for those fleas that have the gift of elegant lying and -bamboozling. For several days we sought without success. Truly, we found -liars in plenty; in fact, we found most fleas were good all-round -common liars; many of them proffered themselves for our service, and -were exceedingly anxious to serve their country, but we told them that -although we had the highest respect for their ability as common liars, -and had the highest appreciation of their zealous desire to perform -their duty on all common occasions, we were just now confronted with -an uncommon peril which demanded uncommon and extraordinary liars that -could rise to the level of the emergency and save the country. Some -of them did even throw contempt on our mission, saying there was no -necessity for all this nonsense of a Bamboozling Committee; that for -their part they considered the good old-fashioned way of bleeding dogs -to death quite good enough for the good-for-nothing, lazy things; that -they would not condescend to bamboozle them at all, but would just have -all the discontented and violent ones killed as a warning and example -to the rest. But we told them that they knew not what manner of spirit -they were of, and went our way; and with the blessing of God we at last -found a most elegant flea, of very great modesty, that had in the very -highest degree the very gifts we were in search of. This flea, we -found, was burying his talents in a napkin, and hiding his light under a -bushel, and wasting his skill of mouth at dinner parties, where he was -frittering away his gifts, that ought to belong to the whole nation, on -a small circle of friends whom he made to be merry and laugh. His name, -we ascertained, is Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and we found that he -has the very highest reputation amongst those who know him as an amuser -and speaker of buncombe, and we recommend that he be appointed head and -president of the Bamboozling Committee, with power to select his own -associates and co-workers.” - -And the Board of Public Safety did according to the recommendation of -the wise fleas, and appointed Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea to be the -organizer and president of the Bamboozling Committee, which position he -was delighted to accept, he being, as he said, only too happy to do what -he could towards saving Society. - -And Chancy Mountebank called unto him immediately Andronicus -Carnivorous: “For,” said he, “he is the most uncommon liar, bamboozler -and hypocrite we have;” and Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley: “For,” said he, -“he is a very good dog fooler, although somewhat clumsy withal;” and -Harry Bambuzle Grandadhat: “For,” said he, “he can say many fine and -beautiful things that are not so.” - -And the Committee met at once and proceeded to devise bamboozlements; -but they had not proceeded far when Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea arose -and said: “Respected President and Fellow Bamboozlers: we have committed -a great omission and oversight; we have left out of the composition of -this Committee the most transcendently glorious hifalutor, fictionist -and bamboozler of all ages and of all countries. I mean our most eminent -Canisvillian, the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite. Of course he -is only a barking dog, and as such may be technically disqualified from -serving on a committee of fleas, but having regard to his extraordinary -and astonishing gifts of mouth, and his tremendous abilities to dress -up the plainest lies in the habiliments of the most gorgeous and -resplendent truths, I think we ought by all means to have him made one -of us, for no Bamboozling Committee can be complete without him. I -submit that he is equal even to you, respected President.” - -And President Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea said: “It is indeed a most -astounding piece of forgetfulness and stupidity on our part, not to -have thought of our friend De Little Wit Blatherskite. I thank our good -brother Mak Tinley Flea for reminding us.” - -So the Committee went in a body to ask De Little Wit Blatherskite to be -one of them, and they made profuse apologies for the slight they had -unwittingly put upon him. And the Blatherskite was pleased to accept -their apologies; and he went along with them. - - - - -CHAPTER XXVI. - - THE BAMBOOZLING COMMITTEE LAYS OUT A PLAN OF - BAMBOOZLE.—LOUD NOISE AND GREAT SHOW RELIED ON.—EVERY - ONE TO HIS POST.—OPENING OF THE BAMBOOZLE ASSIGNED - TO TEE DE LITTLE WIT BLATHERSKITE.—HIS VISION OF - JUDGMENT.—TERRIFIC EFFECT ON THE DOGS. - - -HAVING secured the invaluable Blatherskite, the Bamboozling Committee -met very early in the morning, and President Chancy Mountebank Dephool -Flea, in calling the Committee to order, said: “Brother Bamboozlers, it -is laid upon us to save this our beloved land. As ye know, the Board of -Public Safety has appointed us to work together with the Hunger Makers -in keeping the dogs from thinking. To them, ye know, is appointed the -duty of bleeding them within an inch of their lives, and keeping them -so busy trying to catch up with their hunger that they will never have -a moment to think a serious thought; and to us is appointed the duty of -entertaining them during their moments of absolutely needful recreation, -and keeping them so well amused that they shall have neither wish nor -time to think. - -“I need not tell you that the Hunger Makers are doing their duty _con -amore_; so well that in their enthusiasm they are apt to overdo it. It -behooves us therefore, to as well deserve our laurels as they do theirs. -Where shall we begin, therefore?” - -Then arose Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea, and said: “I move, respected -President, that we recommend Pup McPoodle and the authorities to -proclaim certain days to be legal holidays, and days of recreation for -the dogs, and that on those days the dogs be gathered together, when -we will each take a turn in amusing and edifying them. I will take -one turn, and I flatter myself that during my turn, I can demonstrate -to them then the moon is made of green cheese; then our much beloved -brother, Andronicus Carnivorous, shall take another; my dear chum, -Harry Grandadhat shall take a third; you, most excellent humbug, shall -take a fourth, and our ever-ready old stand-by and reverend barker, -Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, who is always bursting big and full -with gorgeous gush, and perennially on tap, shall fill up all other -intervals.” - -Andronicus arose and said: “I crave permission to second the motion -of my brother Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea. It is good. I deprecate the -ascription to me of any very great ability in the line of bamboozling. I -have the highest pleasure in yielding the palm to you, dear Mountebank -Dephool, and to the superlative Blatherskite, in having whom with -us we are blessed and honored above measure. For my part I am but a -superficial, transparent, and inferior sort of every-day liar, with no -ability, like you, my dear colleagues, to palm off on the dogs a lie as -the most sacred Gospel truth; but I do modestly claim that I possess a -very creditable ability to play the hypocrite; I believe everyone who -knows me admits _that_; but, be my talents what they may, I am willing -to consecrate them all to the good of the dogs and the salvation of -this, my adopted country.” - -This motion was carried, and presented to the Board of Public Safety; -and the Board carried it to McPoodle and the authorities, and they, -with the acquiescence of the fleas—who had all been assured that they -would be indemnified for any loss of blood they might suffer in case -of failure of the experiment—proclaimed that on a certain few days of -the year, the fleas should let up on the dogs and allow them to recover -a little strength; and that on those days they should turn over the -management of the dogs to the Bamboozling Committee. - -And the Bamboozling Committee got together certain dogs that were lying -around loose, and made them happy with meat and drink, and dressed -them up in gaudy colored raiment; and to some of them they gave certain -loud-noise-producing instruments, and to others, long poles with pretty -cloths fluttering at the end thereof, and said unto them: “Go ye forth -into all the streets and ways of Canisville, and the country roundabout, -and blow ye and thump ye on the loud-noise-producing instruments, -and wave ye on high the pretty cloths, and make a great shouting and -hullabaloo with your throats; and it shall be that when the dogs of -Canisville shall hear your hullabaloo, they will run out of their holes -and kennels, and, forgetting all their troubles, they will howl with -idiotic joy, and run after you whithersoever ye go. Go roundabout and -encompass the town seven times, blowing and thumping and waving, and -fetch up at the Public Place, where great miracles are to be wrought.” - -So the blowing, thumping and cloth-waving dogs, quite intoxicated with -the strange, glorious feeling of a full stomach, did as they were bid, -and went and filled all the air with their sounding; and at the very -first blast and thump and shout, all the dogs that heard came rushing -out, barking, wagging their bony tails and rolling over and over in the -dirt, with a frenzied joy, and followed in a great mob the blowers and -thumpers and wavers, whithersoever they went. - -Then when they had seven times gone roundabout the town, they came to -the Public Place, where were gathered on an eminence the Bamboozling -Committee, and around them, in their best raiment, all the Monstrous -Fleas, who had ordered the Blood and Bones Grinding Mill to cease its -bloody grind for a day; all the wealthy and eminent fleas, all the pious -and holy fleas; and all the salaried barkers were there; the Holy One -a Maker of long prayers and short wages, was there; and also Lovely -Anthony the Dog Catcher, the One-eyed Elder Berry, and all the morality -cobblers, dog thumpers and compulsionists of every society; and all were -sleek and fat and well-to-do, and smiled most heavenly smiles, for they -felt that God had blessed the very first part of their new scheme of -salvation. - -Then arose and whispered Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea to the Reverend -Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, “Brother, this is a gorgeous success so -far; thou art the gifted one; open thou the Bamboozle.” - -And the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite stepped briskly to the -front, and with a voice of tragedy delivered himself thus: - -“A vision, a vision, a vision of Judgment. It is the last day—the day -of the final fruition of all things; the day when all the seed sowings -of all the countless centuries since time was, have reached their -harvest. With mine eye I can see a countless multitude of dogs gathered -to the Judgment, rising tier on tier, from the lowermost valley to the -topmost height of every hill and mountain. From every clime and country -they come, swarm on swarm, mob on mob, gathered by a mighty trumpet -summons there is no disobeying. They come from the East; they come from -the West; they come from the North; they come from the South; from the -frosty land of the midsummer midnight sun, where white death locketh -all things in his eternal embrace, to the torrid equatorial regions -of perpetual frizzle and fry; from the balmy lands of the fig and the -olive, where the spicy snifters, and odoriferous breezes of the Southern -seas gently woo both soul and body to gentle doziness, to the blizzard -smitten lands of the Occidental North, where the circumvolutory cyclone -whirligiggeth, and the domiciliary dwelling place fleeth violently away -with all the inhabitants thereof; from the land of the azure firmament, -the emerald sea and opalescent atmosphere, and the land of the perennial -asthmatic brumosity—from everywhere they come, host on host, multitude -on multitude. - -“The Judgment call is heard; the Judgment is set; the books are opened. -The sun goes out; the moon explodes and becomes blood; the omniflatulent -wind roareth; the stars fall to earth in a fiery hail; the heavens -shrivel up in an awful incandescence, as a burning scroll; the earth -rocks, and quakes, and groans and cracks, and sends forth lurid and -sulphureous flames and fumes and infernal stench. The comets, with their -flaming tails, all snarled together, stagger like drunken celestials -amongst their inextricably mixed aphelia, perihelia, and syzygy, and -falling over the planetary orbits, drive their occupants to distractedly -demand, ‘Where are we at?’” - -“The ocean’s great breast heaves and throbs with huge conglomerate -convulsions, and dashing o’er its divinely appointed bounds, engulfs -the world. The rivers everywhere rear up on end, stiff with an infinite -fright. The lengthy Mississippi, the breadthy, many-mouthed Amazon, the -hoary Ganges, the unfiltered Missouri, the holy Jordan, swash and writhe -together in mid-air in an amazed intertwining. The lightnings gleam, the -thunders roar, the whole creation groaneth. The planets, breaking loose -from the centripetal force that swung them around their solar center, -clash and crash together in celestial smash and wreck. Crash, crash, -crash, in answering reverberations, from utmost bound to utmost bound of -the universe. - -“And over all the din and rip and roar and clash and terror, cometh a -clarion blast of an angelic trump, ‘Ho! Ho!! Ho!!! Attend, all ye dogs; -for the end, the eternal end that shall never be cut off, cometh. Give -ear unto the voice of the Eternal Verdict.’ - -“And there cometh forth from the infinite profundities of the tenebrious -immensities, a Voice of ten thousand-million-thunder power, in direful -proclamation, saying: - -“‘All dogs to the Judgment. Crowns of glory, eternal joy and everlasting -fullness unto all dogs that on earth have done righteously, have walked -humbly in the fear of God, and reverenced His anointed ones, the fleas; -and have paid unto them their just and Heaven-ordained dues; that have -not blasphemed them, or called in question the righteousness of their -doings; that have counted poverty their highest honor. Blessed are they -that have hungered, that the fleas might be filled; that have gone -naked, that the fleas might be clothed; that have died, that the fleas -might live; that have grovelled in darkness and filth, that the fleas -might dwell in honor and wealth. Great is now their reward, and they -shall now themselves be lifted up on high and glorified for duty done.’ - -“‘But woe and desolation to the disobedient, discontented and -unrighteous dogs that have growled against the divine ordination of -their lives and lots; that have cursed their hunger and nakedness; -that have spoken blasphemy against the fleas, and the Constitution and -Laws of Canisville, and poked the blasphemous nose of Inquiry into the -inscrutable and not-to-be-inquired-into wisdom of the divine ordination -of dogs and fleas. No crowns for them, no joy, no fullness. It is -decreed that they go down to Hell with Satan and Wilyumtwede.’ - -“At the pronouncement of this sentence the million-instrumented -orchestra of the spheres crashes out a mighty ‘Amen.’ The morning stars -clap their hands with joy; the evening and the midnight stars take -up the cue, and flash it on from star to star; it rings from system -to system, from universe to universe, until from farthest nebula to -farthest nebula, the whole creation pulses and thrills and vibrates -with the tintinnabulous acclaim. The heavens open, and amid a deluge -of unapproachable light, the worthy dogs with pæans of victorious joy, -are caught up thereto; while Hell beneath opens wide its yawning jaws, -and the unrighteous and disobedient dogs, amid thunder and lightning, -go howling down, down, down, in an everlasting and ever accelerating -descent, to the place of unutterable torment and fiery woe.” - -At this mighty outburst of luridly pyrotechnical eloquence, the great -crowd of dogs turned deadly pale and faint; and they turned guiltily, -each to his neighbor, and said, “He means us;” “Ain’t it awful?” “God -forgive us, we must never repine or speak evil of fleas any more.” - -And many of the dogs there, being wasted and weak for want of food, -could not stand the terror of the Blatherskite’s portrayal, and several -of the most famished and anæmic among them, trembled and tottered and -fell dead, and had to be carried off to the morgue; which the bystanders -declared must have been intended of Heaven, as a sample and small -installment of the threatened Judgment. - -And the assembled fleas nudged one another, and remarked unctuously -that the Bamboozle was working very successfully so far, and was -certainly being very much blessed of Heaven, to the touching up of the -consciences of the dogs. The Holy One a Maker of long prayers and short -wages, rolled up his seventh-day eye to heaven, and said: “We fleas -have much to be thankful for in the gift to us of the Blatherskite.” -Harry Grandadhat exclaimed: “Society is saved!” And President Chancy -Mountebank Dephool Flea winked an eye at de Little Wit Blatherskite as -he resumed his seat, and whispered to him: “Brother—dog only though -thou art—I love thee; thou hast excellently done; this day—thanks to -the might of thy facile and well lubricated jaw—is salvation come to -the fleas of Canisville; thou hast in thine effort this day exceeded and -more than justified the Committee’s highest expectation of thee; the -Bamboozle prospereth.” - -[Illustration] - -And the Blatherskite, with a reciprocating wink, said, “Yes, I flatter -myself there are no flies on _me_.” - - - - -CHAPTER XXVII. - -[Illustration] - - CHANCY MOUNTEBANK DEPHOOL FLEA, THE PRINCE OF - BAMBOOZLERS.—HIS WONDERFUL PATRIOTISM IN GOING ABROAD - EVERY SUMMER.—THE DOGS FIND THEMSELVES HEIRS TO GREATER - LIBERTY THAN THEY THOUGHT FOR.—GREAT SUCCESS OF THE - BAMBOOZLE. - - -THEN arose President Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and, after telling -his flea friends in a cautionary whisper not to laugh or in any other -way “give away” the Bamboozle, advanced with a hop, a skip and a jump -to the front and ordered the loud-noise-producing instruments to play -up, and the pretty cloths to be waved on high, which, having been done, -quite took away the sadness of the dogs and put them in great good -humor. Then he stood on his head, and danced on one leg, and turned -several somersaults backwards and forwards, and grinned and smiled, and -told the dogs some very facetious stories and jokes, which caused them -to howl with delirious joy, and declare that that day was the happiest -one they had known in many years, and that Chancy Mountebank was, -without exception, the funniest fool of a flea they had ever seen, God -bless him. - -Then he walked upside down across the stage, which made the dogs howl -still more, and then advanced to the front and said to the dogs: - -“Fellow citizens of this great and prosperous country [great surprise -amongst the dogs and much winking amongst the Bamboozlers and other -fleas], the highly favored of heaven and the envy of the whole world -[great astonishment of the dogs as the fact dawns upon them], land of -the free and home of the brave [uncontrollable tittering amongst the -Bamboozling Committee as they lower their heads to hide it, and remarks: -“aint he a dandy?” “he’s away ahead of you, brother Blatherskite, in the -art of dog fooling,” and “the Lord is with us,” from One a Maker of long -prayers]. My theme to-day is Liberty, glorious Liberty. My dear fellow -citizens, ye have no idea of the incomparable heritage of honor and -glory and blessing ye have in the fact that ye have been born and are -privileged to live in this wonderful free town and country [tremendous -agitation and delight amongst the dogs at this new discovery, which, -coming upon their empty stomachs, caused several of the more famished -and attenuated to drop dead]. - -“The very fact that ye were born to freedom, and have been used to -it all your lives, renders you unable to properly appreciate your -incomparable blessing; for, as the proverbs have it, ‘The blessings -we have we value not,’ and ‘We never value the water till the well -runs dry.’ Our beloved fellow citizens there, who have just fallen -dead, would have been alive now had they daily habituated themselves -to thankfulness and the proper estimation of their privileges. But -if ye had had the opportunities as I have had of comparing your lot -in this highly favored land, with that of the dogs in the rest of -the world beyond the pond, your hearts would swell to bursting with -infinite gratitude, and your tongues, attuned to thankfulness, would -wag with an everlasting _Jubilate Deo_. [Tears of remorse and penitence -well up in the eyes of the dogs at this, and cries of “Lord, make us -more thankful,” are heard everywhere, while Grandadhat and Mak Tinley -snicker and tickle each other, and ask Carnivorous what he thinks of -“Our Chancy,” to which Andronicus replies, “I envy him; his polished and -elegant way of lying is as far above my coarse and clumsy way as the -smoothness of velvet is above the roughness of sandpaper.” And One a -Maker of long prayers, says, “It’s as good as a Means of Grace.” ] - -“Oh, my dear fellow citizens, ye know that I am the flea that goeth and -cometh over the pond every year. For many years I have regarded it as a -sacred duty I owe to God and my beloved native country, to go away over -the pond every Summer, partly, and as a minor consideration, to recruit -my health and obtain a little rest from my terribly exhausting duty of -making myself and certain of my fellow fleas wealthy—oh, my beloved -dogs, ye have not the slightest idea of what it is to bear the burdens -and responsibilities of being rich [a voice far away to the rear: “True, -true”], and the tremendous strain and wear and tear of brain and body -it costs to make wealth. Be thankful that God has not called you to the -task [the voice in the rear: “You’ll take care that God doesn’t call us -to that!” Confusion, and cries of “Put him out!” and anxious looks on -the countenances of the fleas.] - -“As I was saying when that unseemly interruption took place, I go -over the pond, partly, and as a minor consideration, for my health, -but primarily, and as a major consideration, that I may look upon and -impress upon my mind the horrible misery, poverty, destitution and -enslavement of the masses of dogs in the foreign countries. Oh, how -dreadful it is there! Hunger is the perpetual condition. Rapacious, -cruel, merciless rulers tax them to death. Between rich and poor there -is a great gulf fixed, so that those who are born poor dogs live and -die poor. In those dark and enslaved countries a dog knows he is a dog, -and can never rise to be anything higher. Such instances as that of our -fellow citizen and friend, Andronicus Carnivorous, who began life here -as a low-down dog, and by dint of industry, skill and the boundless -opportunities which we in this country offer to all, lifted himself up -from the rank in which he was born, and became transformed into as big -a sucker as any of us, could never happen there, where opportunities of -dogs to rise in the world and become Suckers are by infamous class laws -denied them. But here in this enlightened land, where we have no kings, -and by that _ne plus ultra_ of all wisdom, the Constitution, fleas and -dogs, rich and poor, black and white, are all equal; the opportunities -for advancement are countless and open to each and all, and if any dog -is poor and hungry, it is all the fault of his own incompetency and -laziness. - -“In this great free land there is not—there cannot be—any unrighteous -wealth [a look of superlative virtue on Andronicus’ countenance, and a -glory on the transfigured face of One a Maker of long prayers and short -wages, as he rolls up his seventh-day eye towards heaven]. The very -fact that one has wealth is proof absolute that the possessor thereof -deserves it, since the opportunity to acquire is open equally to all. -_Every dog_ may in this free country, by dint of virtue and industry, -become an eminent and wealthy sucker and have thousands of dogs for his -nourishment [puzzled looks of hope and new encouragement on the faces of -the dogs as they try, mentally, to comprehend the glorious possibility -of _every_ dog doing that; and Grandadhat mutters to De Little Wit -Blatherskite: “My, but Chancy gave them a stiff ’un to swallow then,” -and the Blatherskite replies: “Truly he did, my brother, but he is the -joker that can do it.” ] - -“Yes, my noble fellow citizens, my whole object in going every year -across the pond is, as I said, that I may see the hell of degradation -dogs have over there, and become horrified, so that at the end of my -sojourn I am so disgusted at the inequalities and class distinctions, -and the brutal tyranny of the rich over the poor, that I am properly -grateful to God for the precious privileges He has given us here, and am -profoundly thankful to get back again to Home, Home, Sweet, Sweet Home, -for there’s no place like Home, be it ever so humble, like Home, Sweet -Home. - -“Oh, my dear friends, you have not the slightest idea of the disgust -with which those annual four months’ contemplation of foreign poverty, -tyranny, aristocracy and royalty fill my soul, neither can ye conceive -the agony of impatience that then takes possession of me to tread -again the soil of my native land, this land, whose pure, sweet air of -Freedom is instant death to every form of injustice and tyranny; where -the inalienable right of every dog to life, liberty and the pursuit -of happiness is guaranteed to him by the Constitution and equal laws; -where, under the folds of the Flag that makes us free, every dog dwells -in peace, plenty and safety, none daring to make him afraid; land where -there are no kings, lords or castes of any sort; where dogs and fleas -breathe the common air of Heaven; land of the pilgrim’s pride, land -where our fathers died [the voice in the rear again: “Yes, and where -their children are dying of starvation.” Confusion, and a spasm of fear -amongst the fleas, and cries of “Put him out” ], from every mountain side -let Freedom ring. - -“Oh, my fellow citizens, I advise every one of you to save up and -perform the sacred duty of going over the pond every Summer and getting -horrified with the sight of foreign poverty and tyranny, so that ye may -come home loaded to the very muzzle with thankfulness to God that He has -so mercifully chosen us from amongst the dogs of the earth to shower -His infinite bounties on. Nothing has such a tendency to make noble, -thankful citizens of this grandest of all grand republics as going -abroad for a few months during the hot weather.” - -At the close of this grand piece of bamboozling oratory, the dogs made -a supreme effort, and gave a grand howl of acclaim that made the -welkin ring, and caused several passing clouds to burst into rain by -reason of the concussion. The loud-noise-producing instruments started -up, the pretty cloths were waved on high, and everything proclaimed -the mad delight of the dogs at the wonderful discovery by their lean -and famine-devoured selves that they were all free and equal, and the -particular pets of Heaven. - -With the exception of a few growlers at the rear, who audibly remarked -that “If God had given them less Freedom and more Victuals it would -have looked better of Him,” and who were promptly hustled out of the -crowd, all the dogs were delighted, and declared that Chancy Mountebank -Dephool Flea was the finest and most elegant truth-teller in the -world and should henceforth be honored as “Our Chancy.” And as he -took his seat the whole Committee of Bamboozlers, and all the other -fleas, congratulated him that there were no flies on him either, and -One a Maker of long prayers and short wages, groaning within himself, -lifted up his seventh-day eye and said: “Verily the Lord is this day -blessing us with a great salvation,” to which De Little Wit Blatherskite -responded: “Yea, verily, brother; blessing us copiously. And why not, -brother? _We_ are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.” - - - - -CHAPTER XXVIII. - - HEAVEN WORKETH WITH THE BAMBOOZLERS, CONFIRMING THEIR - WORDS, WITH SIGNS FOLLOWING.—GREAT EXPERIENCE MEETING - AROUND THE FLAG.—HARRY GRANDDADHAT TELLS WHAT THE FLAG - HATH DONE FOR HIS SOUL AND BODY.—LIKEWISE ANDRONICUS - CARNIVOROUS.—WONDERFUL PROOFS OF THE FACT THAT GOD HELPS - THOSE WHO ARE NOT SLOW AT HELPING THEMSELVES. - - -WHEN Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea had got through with his highly -successful oration, he ordered the loud-noise-producing instruments -to strike up their loudest, and the pretty cloths to be waved on high -with the greatest vigor, in order to keep up the effect that had been -produced, and to scare away from the doorways of the dogs’ brains, any -sober reflections that might, perchance, be seeking entrance there; and -at a given signal, a very large and pretty cloth—which until then, -had been kept hidden—having on it a number of white spots and red -streaks, was run up to the top of a tall pole and thrown to the breeze. -Whereupon, the whole multitude of the fleas, rose up, and prostrated -themselves to it, crying: - - “Hail! All Hail! All Holy Flag, - Source of our life, we bow to thee, - The Flag, the Flag, the Flag of the Free, - The Flag of the dog, and Flag of the flea.” - -And there came a great darkness over all the land; and the atmosphere -was suffused with ghostly green and yellow lights, that cast a lurid -gloom over the whole assembly; and out of the darkness there came -lightnings and a voice of thunder, saying: - - “Who doubteth that this is the Flag of the Free, - And boweth not down, thrice cursed be he.” - -And all the multitude of the fleas, cried out in chorus, “Amen.” - -By this time, all the poor dogs were shaking like leaves in the breeze, -and they cried out: “What shall we do? What shall we do?” - -And the voice thundered again: - - “Bow down, bow down to the Flag of the Free, - Bow down, and thank God for sweet Liberty.” - -And all the multitude of the prostrate fleas, cried out again in chorus: -“Aye! Bow down.” - -And again the ghostly lights flashed, and all manner of solemn and awful -noises were heard. - -And the dogs being dazed and dazzled and confused with the awful sights -and sounds, began everywhere to fall down and worship the Flag, and, -catching the enthusiasm, they soon were shouting as loud as they could, -which with many of them was not very loud; for they were so hungry and -weak that their breath failed them, but they did the best they could. - -Then was lifted up the voice of the Reverend Tee de Little Wit -Blatherskite, proclaiming: “Let there now be a time of silent lifting up -of the heart in thanksgiving to God for this our Flag, the most glorious -on earth, and for these our liberties, the only real ones on earth.” - -And it was so. And there came a solemn hush over all the bowed assembly, -broken only by pious sighs, groans and ejaculations from the fleas, -which, by contagion, was taken up by the dogs, who were soon sighing -and groaning and ejaculating too, until the air was heavy with a solemn -buzz. Then there blew a holy wind from Heaven, that lifted up the folds -of the beautiful flag and caused it to wave with solemn flappings -most beautifully; and the solemn darkness began to pass away, to the -accompaniment of low, soft music, as of angel songs stealing down from -Heaven; and the sun shone out in splendor, and cast his brilliant beams -right on the beautiful Flag, that was transfigured in the glory of it. - -Then proclaimed the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite—who seemed -to have naturally become the Master of Ceremonies—“Brethren, let us -sing: - - “My Country, ’tis of Thee, - Sweet land of Liberty, - Of Thee I sing. - Land where my fathers died, - Land of the pilgrim’s pride, - From every mountain side, - Let Freedom ring. - - “My native country! Thee, - Land of the noble Free, - Thy name I love. - I love thy rocks and rills, - Thy woods and templed hills, - My heart with rapture thrills, - Like that above. - - “Let music swell the breeze, - And ring from all the trees, - Sweet Freedom’s song. - Let mortal tongues awake; - Let all that breathe partake; - Let rocks their silence break: - The sound prolong.” - -Then the whole assembly arose, and the loud-noise-producing instruments -joined in. And the fleas being very vigorous, and fat and strong, lifted -up their voices with tremendous energy; and all the salaried barkers, -and the police dogs, and all the other dogs that were well-fed and -rotund of belly, were in good voice, so that they all sent up a volume -of glad sound that made the air shake and caused the great Flag to give -an extra flap; but the other dogs, being very weak with hunger, and -short of wind, could not do so well, but they, nevertheless, made a very -respectable noise and were very happy. - -When the singing was over, the Reverend Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite -lifted up his right paw, commanding attention, and said: “Brethren, -both dogs and fleas—I may call you brethren, for beneath the -all-encompassing folds of this glorious Flag, we are all equal [mighty -applause from the fleas, echoed by the dogs]—I think it would be very -appropriate upon this occasion, and well pleasing to God, to turn this -into an experience meeting; and let each of us testify to the blessings -of Liberty, that our beloved Flag has conferred upon us. Let any dog -or flea get up and speak, for all are equal here. Brother Grandadhat, -suppose you cheer us with your experience.” - -Brother Grandadhat, being thus exhorted, arose, and bowing low to the -Flag, said: “I bless God for that Flag, and I bless God that under its -protecting and blessing-scattering folds I was born, as were my father -and my father’s father. I am proud to live under it. I am proud to -boast that from the very first day, when our fathers first flung it to -the breeze, and bade tyranny fly trembling, with its tail between its -legs—which it did—it has been giving us more and more freedom every -day, until now we are the freest, grandest and noblest nation on the -face of the great round globe. Yea, I will go further, and declare that -there is no freedom on earth, save here. - -“Brethren, all, God gave us that Flag; it was designed in Heaven, and -God has been ever with it, and acknowledged it for his own. Never, -never, never has it floated—never, never, never can it float—over -any wrong, injustice or tyranny. Under the effulgent splendor of its -beautiful white spots and red streaks, wrong, injustice and tyranny -wither and wilt as would toadstools before the midsummer midday -sun. [Tremendous explosion of applause from the fleas, joined in by -the dogs.] When God gave us that Flag, he, with it, threw wide open -the windows and doors of Heaven, and poured out from his infinite -cornucopiæ, such a deluge of blessings upon us as no nation on earth -ever got or ever will get, and forthwith made us the pride of ourselves -and the envy of the whole world. [A most awful burst of applause from -the fleas, all the fleas rising up to give it. Several very weak, hungry -and woe-begone dogs, carried away by the whirlwind of excitement, drop -dead of heart failure.] - -[Illustration] - -“‘The gifts of God to our people have been so abundant and so special, -that the spirit of devout thanksgiving awaits but the appointment of a -day when it may have a common expression. He has stayed the pestilence -at our door,’ and caused all evil to turn aside from touching us. ‘He -has given us a love for our free civil institutions,’ and grace to abhor -and hang all who do not believe we are free, and dare to say so. ‘He -has widened our philanthropy by calls to succor the distress in other -lands; and he has given us’ such ‘a great increase in material wealth, -and’ such ‘a wide diffusion of contentment and comfort in the homes of -our’ dogs, that we are the wonder of the whole world, and the joy of -ourselves. [Grand crescendo of applause from the fleas, and penitent -ejaculations from the dogs of: “Lord, forgive our past repinings;” -“Lord, help us to feel how full we are;” “Lord, take away our blindness, -that our wealth may be disclosed to us;” and much winking amongst the -Bamboozling Committee, at the satisfactory working of the Bamboozle.] -Oh, beloved brethren, ours is _the_ Flag, the _only_ Flag in the world -worth having, and _we’ve got it, and don’t you forget it_; [Screams, -yells, and deliriums of applause.] the world envies us its possession; -they would like it, but they shall not have it; for my part, I will -never desert the Flag. No! I will never do it. It’s of no use asking -me. That Flag has blessed me; it has given me and mine prosperity, so -that I am comfortably rotund and fat; it is the object of my love, my -adoration, and I _never_ will desert it; no ne—ver. I will not live -under any other; so it’s of no use asking me; I would not take the -riches of the whole world for the daily sight of it; so it’s no use any -one offering them to me. I am perfectly happy now, and I shall go to -Heaven when I die. And when the death dew lies cold on my brow, may my -last words be: - - ‘Oh, Flag of the Free! I would die for thee; - Emblem of Libertee, Libertee—ee.’” - -And making again obeisance to the emblem, he sat down amid a thunder of -applause, and the hullabaloo of the loud-noise-producing instruments. - -Then spake the Reverend Tee De Little Wit Blatherskite, “Brethren, that -testimony must have done us all good, I am sure. Will some other good -brother favor us with his experience?” - -Then stepped forth Andronicus Carnivorous, and, making three very low -obeisances to the Flag, said in a voice low and broken with emotion: -“Brother dogs and fleas: This is the proudest and solemnest moment of my -life. When I look on that glorious Flag, amongst whose bright spots and -broad red streaks, I can, with my mind’s eye, see, traced in lines of -refulgent brightness, ‘LIFE, LIBERTY, HAPPINESS, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY,’ -my heart swells to bursting with gratitude, that some God, Providence or -other beneficence, did, in boundless mercy, direct my wandering feet, -when a young and poverty-stricken dog, to the shores of this glorious -free land, so bountifully blest with the milk and honey of prosperity; -and that I was privileged—for it _was_ a privilege—to rest and dwell, -and make my home under the great broad shadow of that grand old Flag -[making obeisance thereto] of the Free [Flea applause]. - -“Oh, Brother dogs—for though that blessed Flag has prospered me -immensely, and made me as corpulent a sucker as the most monstrous of -your fleas, I am not puffed up with pride, but still deem it my highest -honor to count myself as one of you, and to share with you the dignities -of your citizenship. [Applause from the dogs and a mysterious voice from -the rear, “Yes, but not the hunger of it,” and cries of “Put him out.” ] - -“Oh, brother dogs, if it is such a blessed privilege to come in as a -ragged stranger, and with the brogue of a foreign dog on my tongue, -under the folds of this Flag, Oh! what must it be to be born under -it, of parents born under it, too! Oh! I cannot enough congratulate -the dogs here, who were thus blessed, upon the unutterably precious -heritage they have in that fact. Neither can I forgive the irreparable -wrong—unintentional though it might have been—my parents did me, in -having brought me into the world in a foreign land, in the midst of the -darkness, heathenism, want, misery and tyranny that reign wheresoever -that Flag fluttereth not. [Tumultuous applause from dogs and fleas.] -Yet, though I cannot help that wrong, I yield to no dog and no flea -in the width, length, depth and intensity of my love and adoration of -that blessed emblem of the liberty, equality and fraternity that all -enjoy that live under it. Yea, I believe that I, carrying about with -me the agonizing consciousness of my foreign origin, am more acutely -appreciative of the blessedness of living under it than they who are -born under it, and can claim the Flag as their very own. Often and often -am I amazed that so many of our native dogs seem so little to appreciate -their blessings. Instead of living in a state of perpetual thankfulness, -that they were born and live under this Flag, and participate in the -wealth, protection and liberty it scatters over all that are worthy, -they go about discontented and complaining of hunger and hard work; and -I have often been shocked by hearing some of these very native dogs say, -‘Damn Flags when you’ve nothing to eat.’ I think all such dogs are blind -and ungrateful, and should be punished as infidels and blasphemers. -[Applause.] - -“Oh, Brethren, I can testify that the Flag has abundantly blessed _me_, -though a foreigner born. And what I say is, that what it has done for -me, it stands ready to do for all. I love it. I live for it; I would die -for it if need were, and I should happen to be in the country at the -time. I would abide ever under its great, wide, brooding folds, but that -an imperious and inevitable duty drives me to spend most of my time away -over the pond. - -“Like my dear friend, Dephool Flea here, it is with a high and lofty -purpose I go abroad. Upon me is laid the solemn duty to go and testify -to my old kin beyond the pond, what great things this glorious Flag -hath done for my soul and body. Over there are divers cantankerous and -evil-minded carpers and jibers against our glorious liberties, who -allege that our dogocracy is all snide; our equality all fake; our -fraternity all buncombe and gaseous boast; our liberty all a gorgeous -mendacity. Therefore deem I myself charged with the responsibility of -putting to silence and shame these calumniators, by frequently dropping -myself amongst them, a visible, tangible, audible proof and specimen -of the product of our Flag. It is laid on me to be the exponent of -Triumphant Dogocracy under the Flag of the Free; and woe is me if I -shirk to discharge this duty.” - -“I can understand the pain it gives our beloved Chancy to be away -from under his beloved Flag, three or four months every year, and the -overwhelming joy he always feels in getting back again; for it is -martyrdom to me to be expatriated so long; but I bear up under it as -well as I can, cheered by the reflection that I have a mission that none -but I can fulfill, and that I am performing the incalculably beneficent -service of disseminating correct notions about this great country and -its Flag, and creating friendly feeling towards it.” - -“When this my duty shall be finally accomplished—as I pray it soon -may be—and I shall be privileged to come home finally, and rest me -forevermore under the proud flutter of its waving, and daily bathe -my glad soul in the healing beams of its shining, then alone shall -Andronicus Carnivorous be happy.” [Immense and prolonged applause, amid -which the Bamboozling Committee get around him, and hug and kiss him. -And the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, regretfully sighs and says to -himself, “Oh, Andy, Andy! One thing only thou lackest. If thou wert only -a Christian, thou wouldst be _quite_ perfect.” ] - - - - -CHAPTER XXIX. - - THE SPIRIT IRRESISTIBLY MOVES PHARAOH PHRIQUE TO TESTIFY - OF FREEDOM, EQUALITY AND JUSTICE.—WHICH SHOWS THAT SATAN - CAN SOMETIMES BE EXCEEDINGLY PIOUS.—PHRIQUE OVERDOES HIS - PART AND NEARLY WRECKS THE BAMBOOZLE.—MAK TINLEY TO THE - RESCUE. - - -HARDLY had Carnivorous resumed his seat, when there was a great -commotion among the fleas behind. It was caused by Pharaoh Phrique, upon -whom the Spirit of Prophecy had just descended. Rising, he shouted, “I -want to testify. Oh, I shall burst if I don’t testify.” - -To whom De Little Wit Blatherskite said: “Brother, nothing hinders that -thou testify. Come forward then, and testify, and the Lord be with -thee.” - -Then Pharaoh Phrique hasted and ran, and tumbled over several of the -other fleas, and having made profound obeisance to the Flag, he opened -his mouth to speak, but he could not; for a great emotion seized him and -shook him, and he wept with a great weeping greatly. Whereat all the -fleas sympathetically wept also, while all the dogs wondered. - -After a short time, however, he found utterance, and in broken accents -began: “Oh, Brethren, dogs and fleas; never did I fully realize until -my beloved partner, Andronicus Carnivorous, was testifying as to -what this, our glorious Flag, had done for his soul and body, the -infinite blessings it brings to us all. I said to myself, while he -was testifying, ‘Oh! If this poor God-forgotten foreigner, born under -a bloody flag, where Liberty was never heard of, where equality and -fraternity are words of incomprehensible jargon, could come here, and -in the space of a few short years could have his mind so wonderfully -enlarged and ennobled, and his soul so saturated with the sacred -principles of freedom, as he has evidenced to us to-day, Oh! what a home -of Liberty our country must be!’ And, I tell you, brethren (and it’s a -fact we nativeborners may be justly proud of), this just shows that the -very air here is Liberty, by which, the moment any one breathes it, he -is made free. And, above all, let us remember, and never forget, that -WE made this free air, and this free country; that is, OUR FATHERS and -WE. They laid the foundations of Liberty, roughly and according to the -light they had; but it was, by an all-wise Providence, who foreknew our -coming, reserved unto US—with our more acute appreciation of, and more -advanced education in, the principles of true freedom—to rear therefrom -the finished superstructure, the biggest, grandest, and most gorgeously -beautiful Temple of Liberty the world ever saw. - -“And this was all perfectly natural. We are a free people, and a free -people makes free institutions. Freedom with us is an instinct. It is -born in us. It is our atmosphere, our food. It sticks out all over us. A -true born Canisvillian takes to Liberty more naturally than a duck takes -to water. Liberty is as much our attribute, as the odor is the attribute -of the rose, and, like the rose, we diffuse it wherever we move; so that -whosoever seeth us, smelleth us, or toucheth us, draweth virtue from -us, and is made free. [Tempests, whirlwinds, cyclones of applause that -nearly lift Pharaoh Phrique off his feet.] - -“Thus it is, brethren, that in all this broad land there is no such -thing as a slave, never was, and never can be. A slave, or an oppressed -dog of any description here, is an anomaly we would not endure for a -moment. [Much applause from the fleas and joy amongst the dogs.] - -“The great reason why this is the cradle and home of Liberty is, that -every true, native born Canisvillian—be he dog or be he flea—burns so -brightly with the sacred fire of Liberty, that he acts as though he were -the sole and only defender of his country’s rights and liberties. Here -each citizen springs spontaneously to its defense. Not a flea of us but -would spring with alacrity, at the first call of danger, to lend the -Government, at six per cent., and good security, all the wealth he has; -and I am sure that the noble patriotism of our citizen dogs is such that -not a dog would shirk to go forth to fight and die for his Country and -Flag. [Rampageous cheering by the dogs, marred by a voice, “At naught -per cent. and no security.” ] - -“Oh! Brethren!” exclaimed Brother Phrique, ignoring the interruption, -that made the Bamboozling Committee look uneasily at each other, “if -there is one thing more than another that this Flag—my Flag, your -Flag—has wrought into the very fibre of my soul, it is the love -of Liberty, Justice and Fair Dealing. Oh, how my soul burns with -indignation when I read of the injustice and brutal tyranny that are -practised on the poor dogs in foreign lands—oppressions that our free -and noble dogs would not endure for a moment! Oh! I wonder they do not -rise and kill their oppressors. But they do the next best thing. They -have heard that over here is the only genuine and original Flag of -Liberty; and they come by hundreds and by thousands—escaped slaves—to -rest them under its shadow, and dwell in peace and plenty forever more, -where the oppressor ceases from troubling, and the weary are at rest.” -[A voice from afar off: “How about your Blood and Bones Grindery, and -your Devil’s Cheap Bargain Counter Dogs?” Great confusion, and a rush of -police dogs to that part, with no result.] - -Here the Bamboozling Committee cast anxious glances at each other, and -hastily got together in a rear corner, and Brother Grandadhat said to -Mountebank Dephool Flea, “Oh, Chancy, Brother Phrique will wreck this -whole Bamboozle. What Evil Spirit from the Lord led that dog to ask -him that unfortunate question? Oh! that we had not allowed him to come -forward!” - -And Chancy replied, “It is unfortunate, very. We must shut him off, -somehow, or he will certainly render all our Bamboozle nugatory. There -are evidently some of those thinking dogs present, damn ’em. If it had -not been for them, this hocus-pocus would have gone off swimmingly.” - -“Thinking dogs present, did you say, Brother Chancy?” exclaimed -Carnivorous, shaking with fright. “Do you think there is danger of more -trouble? Hadn’t I better get away over the pond? Is there any boat -ready? Am I likely to get hurt? I have a Reputation to maintain. My -Mission and the Voice of Duty——” - -“Don’t be a fool, Andy,” broke in Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley, “this -Bamboozle is no failure by a long chalk. We will get Brother Phrique out -of the way. It was a great folly and oversight on our part to let him be -put forward at this juncture. But I will tickle these dogs’ ears, and -pull wool over their eyes, and more than make up for this misadventure.” - -“Canst thou save us, Brother Mak Tinley?” said Andronicus. - -“You bet I can,” replied Mak Tinley. “Why, these Canisville dogs are the -most gullible fools in all creation. They are a fish that can be caught -with a bare hook every time, if only one has courage and address enough -to know how to fling it. The secret lies in lying to them with the -most tremendous sincerity and boldness. It is the triumph of mind over -matter; of intellect over brute strength.” - -“Then we will get Brother Phrique off and put thee on,” said President -Dephool Flea. - -So Chancy Mountebank whispered softly for a few moments unto Pharaoh -Phrique, and advised him to slow down his speech, and taper off and wind -up and retire as gracefully as he could, as he was jeopardizing the -Bamboozle. - -And Pharaoh took the hint, and perorated a few minutes about the beauty -of brotherly love, of righteousness, Liberty, patriotism and the Flag; -and having made exactly one dozen obeisances to the glorious Flag of the -Free, and spent five minutes in silent and rapturous adoration of it, he -slid away to the rear, and sank out of sight, and was no more seen or -heard. - - - - -CHAPTER XXX. - - WILHELM BUNKUM MAK TINLEY DEALS OUT TO THE DOGS SOME - TREMENDOUS DOSES OF BUNKUM, BUT THE DOGS’ SWALLOW IS MUCH - MORE TREMENDOUS AND THEY GULP IT EASILY.—HE TREATS THEM - TO A MASTERLY EXHIBITION OF HIS ART OF STATISTIC AND - AVERAGE JUGGLING.—THE STARVING DOGS DELIGHTED AT FINDING - THEMSELVES PROVED SO WEALTHY. - - -THEN arose Wilhelm Bunkum Mak Tinley Flea and stepped forward, while -all the assembled fleas cheered and applauded to the echo, which made -all the dogs think that he must be some extraordinary prophet, either -just arisen or just come down. He was a portly flea, of most benevolent -aspect, and seemed to be the very embodiment of sincerity. He had a -mild and beautiful God-Bless-You-My-Children eye, and a beautifully -sympathetic O-How-I-Love-You mouth, which at once inspired respect. -And when he opened his mouth to speak, his softly cadent voice -floated o’er the vast assembly of dogs like angelic music, so that -they—utter strangers to such delightful sounds—stood entranced, and -the Bamboozling Committee beamed glances of perfect satisfaction on one -another. - -“Incline your ears unto me, O beautiful, dutiful dogs,” said he, “dogs -of a goodly lineage, free born, noble and independent. Give ear unto -my voice. I esteem it the proudest honor of my life to be permitted -the precious privilege of standing before and addressing such a vast -audience of free and intellectual dogs, as the one now before me. [Great -straightening up of the dogs, and brightening of their eyes.] This is -an audience whose intelligent eyes and noble brows show at once that -nothing but TRUTH will go down with them, [Greater straightening up of -the dogs.] that to fool them is an impossible task. And why? Because ye -are Canisvillians, and that [pointing] is your Flag, the Flag of the -Free. [Great cheering from the fleas and dogs too.] - -“And not only is that the Flag of Freedom, but it is the Flag of -Prosperity, too. [Fleas cheer, while dogs wonder.] Yes, fellow citizens, -I repeat it, the Flag of Prosperity. Never was there a country so free -or so prosperous; and I may say never was there a country so able to -defend its freedom and prosperity. [Cheering.] - -“I regret to say that there are certain unpatriotic dogs amongst us, -who are so far lost to the sense of their duty to stick up for their -country, right or wrong, as to wickedly assert that dogs in this country -are hungry and poor; but we fling the calumny in their teeth; we brand -it as a lie; we rejoin that it is the lie of our country’s old time -enemy, Kyhidom, and for you dogs to believe it, were a libel upon your -intelligence. [Great wonderment on the countenances of the dogs.] - -“But, fellow free citizens, they cannot fool you thus; ye know that ye -are neither hungry nor poor. - -“What do Statistics tell us? What saith Average? What saith Protection? -What saith the Great Hunkidori? What saith the Gospel of the Balance of -Trade? What saith the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports? -What is the voice of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis? All these -Holy Scriptures teach us that there is neither hunger nor poverty in all -this glorious land under the Flag of the Free; that we, as a country, -are the fairest, fattest and wealthiest people God’s sun ever shone on. -[Tempestuous applause from the fleas, and great mesmerism of the dogs, -some, however, absent-mindedly stroking their flat bellies.] - -“Fellow citizens, the Gospel of the Balance of Trade telleth us that the -Balance is with us, and not agin us. Our god Protection, is as a wall -of fire round about us, warming and comforting us within, and scorching -and shrivelling all those without. The Book of the Prophecy of the -Exports and Imports assureth us that our bread is certain and our water -sure. The Great Hunkidori speaketh and saith that _we_ are all right, -and there is nothing the matter with _us_. And we have the precious -promise of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis that no evil shall -touch us while ever our feet are planted on its eternal foundation. And -Statistics tell us that Our National Wealth is greater than that of any -nation of dogs under heaven. [Lusty cheers from the fleas, and delighted -expressions on the faces of the dogs.] - -“Yes, fellow citizens, Statistics never lie. They are our infallible -guide through the wilderness of assertion and counter-assertion. You may -rest your weary feet on them every time. When heart and flesh fail you, -and despondency taketh hold upon you; when ye walk through the valley -of ghosts and spectres of Hunger and Poverty and Want, and ye are sore -afraid they are upon you, then look ye to, and trust ye in Statistics, -and ye shall be saved; the ghosts and spectres shall fly away and ye -shall know that ye are full and happy. [Sobs and cries of joy from the -dogs at this beautiful Free Salvation.] - -“See, Brethren, See! Statistics tell us that the dogs of Canisville and -country are 65,000. Statistics also tell us that our National Wealth -Heaps, in charge of the Sacred Trustees, contain more than equal to -650,000 basketfuls of good, wholesome food, which, divided by 65,000, -gives an Average of _ten basketfuls Per Capita_. [Ejaculations of -surprise and astonishment from the dogs, who had no idea before that -they were so wealthy.] - -“Now, fellow citizens, this is a wonderful showing. Only think of it! -_Ten basketfuls to every dog in Canisville!_ Enough to make every dog -quite corpulent and his ribs to bulge with fullness. It is marvellous. -It is astounding. No other dogs in the whole wide world can show such -an Average. I am told by our brother, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, -and by brother Andronicus Carnivorous, that over the pond, in the -best countries there, the Average is not more than _one basketful per -capita_; that in most it is less than that, and that in some it is -nothing at all. [Sighs of sympathy from the dogs for those poor devils.] - -“Should not our dogs then, instead of repining that they are not more -wealthy, rejoice and be exceeding glad that they are so much better off -than the poor oppressed dogs of other lands? Ought they not to thank God -hourly for their great Average, and to bless him for Statistics that -make such a wonderful Average possible? - -“TEN BASKETFULS PER CAPITA!!! Think for a moment what that means. -Statistics tell us that the average of mouthfuls to the basket, is, -in round numbers, one hundred. This, multiplied by ten, equals _one -thousand mouthfuls per dog_. Think of it! _One thousand mouthfuls of_ -GOOD VICTUALS _per dog._ [Sensation amongst the dogs; great watering of -mouths and licking of chops.] The mind fails to grasp the immensity of -the fact; it is stunned; it staggers; it reels. Imagination’s utmost -stretch in wonder dies away. It is wealth incomprehensible. ONE THOUSAND -MOUTHFULS PER DOG!!! It sounds like Fiction. It sounds like a lie, it is -so incredible; and yet, there are the Statistics; there are the figures -which are beyond disproof, beyond dispute. [Great cheering by the dogs -over these facts.] - -“Well may the true Canisville dog be proud of his country and his Flag; -proud of his comfortable home and his sleek and fat condition; proud of -the Statistics, and proud of the generous Average the Statistics give -him to eat. [The dogs applaud and cry, “Three cheers for Mak Tinley.” ] - -“Shall we surrender, then, this our prosperity, to our Enemy? [Never, -from the dogs.] Shall we haul down the Flag of Freedom that gives us -this prosperity? [No, no, no, from the dogs, and Perish the thought, -from the fleas.] Patriots, fellow citizens, brothers, let us ever -cherish, down in our deepest hearts, the principles that have, under -God, differentiated us from the rest of the world and lifted us to the -highest pinnacle of wealth and greatness that dogs ever enjoyed. Let us -never surrender them, but stick by the Holy Statistics and the Average; -by our Protection and the Great Hunkidori; by the Gospel of the Balance -of Trade, the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports, and the -ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis. Abide by these; fight for them; if -needs be, die for them; thus shall ye enjoy life and wealth, and glory -and honor and blessing yourselves, and hand down intact your glorious -heritage to your happy posterity.” - -[Illustration] - -Making genuflexion to the flag, and bowing to the dogs, Mak Tinley -retired, while storms of applause broke out from the dogs. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXI. - - UNQUALIFIED TRIUMPH OF BUNKUM, STATISTICS AND - AVERAGES.—EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY “ALL RIGHT.”—THIN - AND HUNGRY HONEST LABOR TESTIFIES.—HIS HEAD - SWELLS.—SHOWS THAT A GREAT DEAL OF RICH PATRIOTISM CAN - BE RAISED ON A VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF POOR VICTUALS. - - -WILHELM Bunkum Mak Tinley’s oration made a profound impression. Upon -assembled fleas there fell a peace as of an undisturbed sea, a sweet -consciousness that at last, all danger from dog-thinking was safely -over. The Bamboozling Committee beamed and winked at each other in -silent ecstasy. And as for the dogs, nothing like their satisfaction -ever was before seen. Mak Tinley’s magnificent effort had done the job. -There was in it an array of facts and figures that carried conviction -home to their hearts and consciences. Poetry, imagery and gush the -others had given—which was all very delightful—but he had risen to -the needs of the times. They were hungry and wasted, and he had opened -the granary of his brilliant imagination, and had poured out upon them -some real, genuine, solid, substantial, and stomach filling Statistics -and Averages, that put new life and soul into them. They danced and -howled with joy; they hugged and kissed each other, and blessed God for -Mak Tinley, the Stomach Filler. One meagre and unkempt dog cried, “Three -cheers for Mak Tinley, Statistics and Averages,” which all the dogs -gave. Then another meagre dog yelled, “Hurrah for our Country and Flag, -the finest in the world,” and all the dogs hurrahed, the pretty cloths -were fluttered on high, the loud-noise-producing instruments were blown -and banged and thumped, and at the word “Flag,” all the fleas arose and -made prosternation. - -Then a large, thin and lanky dog, with hungry eyes, jumped up and -demanded that three cheers be rendered unto the Bamboozling Committee; -which were no sooner given than he inquired with great and strident -solicitude, “What is the matter with Harry Grandadhat?” And the whole -assembly of dogs and fleas, before Grandadhat had time to reply on -his own behalf, thundered out in one mighty chorus, “He’s all right;” -to which some one, who had evidently not heard who was referred to, -inquired, “Who’s all right?” to which again the whole assembly, -very courteously and obligingly, responded in chorus: “Why, Harry -Grandadhat.” All which catechism seemed, for some deep and inscrutable -reason, to cause a perfect delirium of joy. And the delirium spread and -waxed until nothing was heard or seen but the chorused catechism, three -cheers for everything and everybody, the hubbub of the wind and thump -instruments, the waving of the pretty cloths, and the dogs tearing madly -around, howling, standing on their heads, rolling on the ground, and -leaping over each other for joy and gladness. - -At last the tempest lulled, and the Blatherskite stepped forward and -said, “Brethren, now is the accepted time; now is the day of testimony. -In this hour of softened splendor and outpouring upon us all of the holy -spirit of patriotism, if there is any dog here that feels it borne in -upon his soul to testify, let him step up, and the Lord be with him.” - -Then stepped up the large and lanky dog of the hungry eyes, lolling out -his tongue and panting with his recent great exertions, and feebly -tottered up the eminence to testify. But before he commenced, Chancy -Mountebank Dephool Flea got hold of him, and demanded of him his name, -that he might introduce him. Then Dephool Flea stepped forward and said, -“Dogs and fellow citizens: This respected citizen says his name is -Honest Labor, and that he desires to say what the Flag has done for his -soul. Oh, fellow citizens, I need not tell you that such as he are the -pride and strength of our common country, that it is to him and the -Lowly Toiler, that the grandeur, magnificence and superbity of our -material prosperity are due. Let us all gratefully remember that without -him and his unceasing toil, this country had not been; that to him are -we beholden for a large part—if not the largest part—of our wealth; -that our brain, without his diligent paw, would have been absolutely -useless; that in the upbuilding of this great country, he was the -greatest factor, and that to him we look for its defence, its -perpetuity. - -“And I may say that it is our pride that this is _a_ country, this is -THE country, this the ONLY country in the world, where Honest Labor -is held in honor; yea, in reverence; yea, that is crowned with glory -and honor, and given first place in our esteem, and——” Here a loud -voice came from afar off in the crowd, “First place at the grub basket -would suit him better,” followed by great confusion, alarm, and a great -rush of police dogs that way, and a sound of thumped heads. The fleas -looked anxious, and the Bamboozlers uneasy, and Andronicus Carnivorous, -scenting danger, sidled off. Dephool Flea was much discumfuzzled, and -nearly lost his cherubic smile; but he heroically held up his end, and -continued: - -“As I was saying, other effete countries have their kings and lords; -but here we recognize no king, but Honest Labor [great cheers and -restoration of confidence], no order of nobility but that of Humble -Toil; and in no country does Honest Labor get so large a share of his -own product, or hold his head so high with the conscious pride of his -own worth. I have the proud honor and precious privilege of introducing -him.” - -During all this speech, it was noticed that poor Honest Labor was -changing visibly. At first his hungry eye grew bright, and his nostrils -distended; and as the eloquence waxed in tumidity and turgidity, his -head was lifted up and began to swell and swell, and at the crowning -reference to his coronation as a king, it took a sudden and mighty -inflation that made his body and legs look ridiculously thin and small -and spindling by comparison. - -“What thinkest thou of our Chancy now?” said Harry Grandadhat, to his -dear friend, the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, as he pointed to the -Phenomenon. - -“Called and chosen, called and chosen,” replied One a Maker of prayers, -“God hath indeed given unto him great talents.” - -“The Bamboozle prospereth indeed,” said Mak Tinley, and tipping the wink -to the Monstrous Fleas, he whispered to one of the nearest of them, -whose name was Shikago Pigsfoot, “Brother, merrily will go the Blood and -Bones Mill after this.” - -“Yes, yes,” replied Shikago Pigsfoot, “the last drop of blood shall -be squeezed out of them. I am famishing to see the Mill going again, -it seems an awful loss to waste a whole day when every tiny drop of -blood is so precious to us; but I suppose this bamboozle is all for our -ultimate good. Oh, that to-morrow were here and the Mill going!” - -Then stepped forward Honest Labor, and having made obeisance to the -Flag, as he had seen the flea speakers do, he spake: - -“Feller dogs; this is the proudest moment of my life. Feller dogs, you -mustn’t expect a fine speech from me, for as I was born poor and hungry, -I had to turn out at eight months old to scratch for bones to eke out -the family living. Consequently, I haint had no eddication. My father, -whose name was Lowly Toil, and is dead now, having been taken off early -by a mysterious epidemic called ‘Vacuity of the Alimentary Canal,’ -that was going about at that time, was always too poor to give me any -eddication; but, bless the Lord, he gave me what is far better—he early -planted in my youthful breast the love of country. Says he to me, says -he, he says, ‘Honny, this ’ere’s your Country and that there’s your -Flag, and you’ll never get such another Country with such another Flag -on it, if you sarch the earth over. It’s the finest Country and the -finest Flag that ever was or ever will be, and don’t you forget it.’ -[Burst of applause from the fleas and dogs too.] Says I to him, says -I, I says, ‘Father, I never will; come dark, come light, come weal, -come woe, come anything, I’ll never go back on my Country and my Flag.’ -[Tempest of cheers.] - -“And I never have. This is God’s country. [Cheers from the fleas.] It -is a free country. [Cheers.] It is the poor dog’s country. [Cheers on -cheers from the fleas and dogs too.] Everybody says so. The foreign dogs -from over the pond say so. Where will you find a country that gives -the honest worker so good a living? [Immense cheering by the fleas.] -Where will you find a country that gives such ‘constant employment?’ -And pays such ‘high wages?’ [Cheers from the fleas, and “Aye, that’s -the question,” from the Bamboozlers.] Where so many dogs have snug bank -accounts? Where Statistics give dogs such a high Average of victuals to -eat? [Immense cheers and cries of “Hurrah for Mak Tinley.” ] Where there -is such a wide ‘diffusion of comfort and content?’ [Cheers, and “Hurrah -for Grandadhat.” ] Where will you find a country as gives such chances -for poor and honest dogs to get on and come to the Great Transformation? -[Great cheers.] - -“Look at Carnivorous; he was poor and honest once, and _now_ look -at him. And he aint the only one. Look at our _Gold Jays_, our -_Rollefeckers_, our _Armorses_, our _Makkizes_, our _Bandervilts_, our -_Pimples_, our _Carbuncles_, our _Corns_, our _Warts_, our _Bunions_; -all poor and honest once, and now see what they are. I tell you, feller -dogs, there never was a Country and a Flag as gave the poor and honest -such grand chances to get on and become something totally different. -Look at our Blood and Bones Grindery! Why, I am told that if any of our -free and happy Handle turners were to go over the pond, and get a job in -them foreign pauper labor grinderies, they would be disgusted with the -long hours and small pay. There the Monstrous Fleas actually demand that -every dog give a whole leg to the hopper, before he can get a place at -the Handle, and is, moreover, bound to serve seven years before he can -leave his job. But here, in this free country, a dog has only got to -contribute two or three toes, and is free to leave his job whenever he -chooses. [Wonderful cheering.] - -[Illustration] - -“Everything in this glorious country is away ahead of the old countries. -Even the rags of the dogs here look more respectable than there; and as -for poverty, such a thing is not known here, for if a dog have neither -food, nor kennel, nor where to lay his head, he can look up and thank -God that he has a Country and a Flag. - -“I grind at the Handle nineteen hours a day, and I have given four toes -to the hopper; but I thank God that I might be far worse off. Often I -am hungry, very hungry, but I thank God that I might be hungrier. I am -contented. It is the duty of dogs to be contented [applause from the -Monstrous Fleas,] a dog that is always growling about his lot, is a -nuisance to himself and everybody else. God don’t love him, the Church -don’t respect him, and his employers hate him.” - -Here all the Bamboozlers arose and patted him on the back, and the -Blatherskite turned to the assembly and said, “Behold, a model citizen. -Blessed are the contented, for when they die the gates of Heaven shall -swing wide open to let them in.” - -Continuing, Honest Labor said, “It is the duty of every dog to stick up -for the country that gives him employment and keeps wages as high as -they are. The only thing we have to fear, is that them foreign pauper -dogs from over the pond, envious of our great prosperity, will come -crowding over here, and tempt our employers to cut down our wages. But -I am convinced that all our eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, led -on and sustained by such friends of ours as Carnivorous, Phrique, Mak -Tinley, Dephool Flea, Webbfoot, and others, would make a tremendous -fight against that temptation before they would yield. Therefore, I say, -three times three cheers for our Country, our Institutions, and our -Flag, the freest, finest and grandest in the world.” - -The burst of applause that followed this simple eloquence was deafening. -The wind and bang instruments struck up, the dogs ranted and raved, the -Bamboozling Committee stood on their heads with delight and all the -fleas beamed with silent ecstasy. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXII. - -[Illustration] - - APOTHEOSIS OF HONEST LABOR.—GORGEOUS - CEREMONIES.—BEAUTIFUL UNANIMITY OF THE MUTUALLY INIMICAL - FLEAS AROUND THE THRONE.—END OF BAMBOOZLE NO. 1.—AN - AWFUL FIND.—KING HONEST LABOR DEAD; WHICH SHOWS THAT - PLENTY TO EAT IS BETTER THAN TO BE A SHAM KING. - - -A wonderful thing now happened. Exactly how it happened was a secret -known only to the Bamboozling Committee and some of their intimates; -but just as the delirium of the dogs’ joy was at its height, the whole -assembly of the fleas arose as by one simultaneous impulse and cried: -“Long live Honest Labor, son of Lowly Toil! He shall be our King. Bring -forth the Royal Diadem and crown him Lord of all.” - -And suddenly, beneath the great Flag of the Free, a great and gorgeous -throne was set; and the Bamboozling Committee, gathering around and -making genuflexion to poor Honest Labor—whose head by this time had -grown to an enormous size—led him with every sign of homage and -adoration, and amid the delighted admiration of the dogs, to the throne, -and set him therein. And when he was set, a lot of the wealthy, eminent -and Monstrous Fleas, headed by Grandadhat and Dephool Flea, ranged -themselves up as a bodyguard of worshippers on either side of him; and -another lot, headed by Bunkum Mak Tinley, fell at his feet as Homage -Renderers. And Grandadhat, making a sign to the vast multitude of dogs, -ostentatiously kissed him on the nose and on the right ear; and Dephool -Flea, making another sign to the multitude, ostentatiously kissed him on -the nose and on the left ear; and Mak Tinley, on behalf of the Homage -Renderers generally, and on his own behalf particularly, kissed him -on the feet; and all three, turning dramatically to the dogs, cried: -“Behold our King!” - -And all the assembled fleas cried out in chorus: “God save the King!” - -Then cried aloud Dephool Flea: “The Royal Diadem, the Royal Diadem! -Bring it forth, and crown him Lord of all.” - -Then there stepped forth a very large flea, Grover Ponderous Flea by -name, bearing a gorgeous looking regalia—a robe, a sceptre and a crown -of very large diameter—followed by two small satellite fleas, named, -the one Rosy Pretty Flower, the other Pennzy Pattyson, bearing between -them a ponderous bowl filled to the brim with some golden liquid, around -which flies buzzed. Whereupon all the dogs gave a great howl of delight, -for they seemed to know them. - -“Hurrah!” they cried, “for Grover Ponderous Flea, the new Nighunto; the -tried and trusty friend and worshipper of Honest Labor. Hurrah! Hurrah!! -Hurrah!!!” - -And Grover Ponderous Flea, bowing graciously to the dogs, and smiling -knowingly to the fleas, advanced to the throne, and lifting up his eyes -to the Flag, thus addressed the occupant: - -[Illustration] - -“Oh Honest Labor, whose very name is hallowed, hail! All hail! In this -Land of the Free, whose very air is instantaneously deadly poison to -tyranny and kings of the ancient sort, we, God’s own free-born, have -learned that there is nothing truly noble but that which Nature has -patented; that nothing deserves to reign but that which Nature has -crowned King. Our fathers, the prophets, who gave us our Liberty and our -Flag, taught us, and we, their children, have learned that _Honest Labor -is the Creator of all Wealth_, our guide, preserver and friend, the Prop -of our Republic, without whose support the bottom would fall out, and -therefore the only true, rightful, Nature-ordained king, the only right -sort of a king to reign over US, the finest race of dogs and fleas that -God in his wonderful wisdom ever created. - -“Therefore, in the name of all these dogs assembled here, and all the -fleas, whose loyalty I voice, I invest thy sacred and large head, oh, -Honest Labor, with this crown of large diameter. Thou art our Lord; -thou art our King. We worship thee. We love thy dirty paws. We love thy -smell. We proudly point to thine ungroomed and unwashen hide, for they -are the insignia of thine inherent glory. Henceforth thou art our Lord, -our god and King, and we thine ever-obedient subjects.” And with that he -put the robe upon him, and put the sceptre in his right paw, and retired -backward from the Royal Presence. - -Then cried Dephool Flea again: “Bring forth the Royal Taffy Bowl and -feed him royally full.” - -Then did Grover Ponderous Flea advance again, this time preceded by -his satellites, Rosy Pretty Flower and Pennzy Pattyson, bearing the -ponderous bowl. He gave a sign, and all the Bamboozling Committee and a -large number of fleas of all sorts, High Pressurists, Low Pressurists, -Nighuntos and Faraways, smiling and smirking in most heavenly -amicability upon one another, gathered around the Taffy Bowl. - -Then Grover Ponderous Flea called upon Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite -to say grace over the mess—which he did in his most blatherskitish and -perfervid manner—and then lifting up his eyes to heaven, he muttered -over it some words of a strange lingo, which none but the most learned -of the Bamboozling Committee understood. Some said he was enraptured, -and was in a trance, and was conversing with spirits who spoke a dialect -of that part of heaven called Sherrycoblerland, which he understood. -Some said it was not so; he was praying, which nobody there at all -understood. But some very knowing fleas said Grover Ponderous Flea was a -Great High Priest and had the gift of Transubstantiation, and was really -muttering the Sacred Words over the Taffy, which transformed it into the -real body and blood of the Everblessed Truth and Verity. Be it as it -may, these were the words: - - “There is one important aspect of the subject which - especially should never be overlooked, at times like the - present; when the evils of unsound finance threaten us, - the speculator may anticipate a harvest gathered from - the misfortune of others, the capitalist may protect - himself by hoarding, or may even find profit in the - fluctuation of values, but the wage earner—the first to - be injured by a depreciated currency, and the last - to receive the benefit of its correction—is practically - defenceless. He relies for work upon the ventures of - confident and contented capital; this failing him, his - condition is without alleviation, for he can neither prey - on the misfortunes of others, nor hoard his labor. One of - the greatest statesmen our country has known, speaking - more than fifty years ago, when a derangement of the - currency had caused commercial distress, said: ‘The very - man of all others who has the deepest interest in a sound - currency and who suffers most by mischievous legislation - in money matters, is the man who earns his daily bread by - his daily toil.’ These words are as pertinent now as the - day they were uttered, and ought to impressively remind - us that a failure of the discharge of our duties at this - time must especially injure those of our countrymen who - labor, and who, because of their number and condition, - are entitled to the most watchful care of their - government.” - -These words ended, all the fleas feeling sure that such beautiful words -called for an Amen anyhow, said “Amen,” and then the Taffy Ladlers, led -by Grover Ponderous Flea, Taffyist-in-Chief, passed reverently before -King Honest Labor, and crying, “Oh, King, live forever,” poured each -a spoonful down his throat, and poor Honest Labor, astonished at the -unfamiliar tickling of something to swallow, eagerly opened his mouth -its widest and hungriest. - -It was noticed that the Taffy Ladlers, as they passed by and fed the -King, shuddered with a disgust they tried laboriously to conceal. Some -muttered to each other, “Confound this job; but it has to be done.” One -said, “I don’t like his smell.” “Neither do I, but we must pretend we -do,” replied another. Rosy Pretty Flower turned to his fellow satellite -and asked: “Brother, why do we have to worship and taffy this dirty, -lousy dog?” “Well, brother,” replied Pennzy Pattyson, “it is not given -common mortals to solve the heavenly mysteries; all we know is, that the -Bamboozling Committee, in their inscrutable wisdom, have decreed that -we must. For my own private part, I’d rather shoot him.” “So would I,” -briskly rejoined Rosy Pretty Flower, “but——” - -His words were drowned, for the Taffy Ladlers, having finished their -function, the whole multitude of the fleas broke out in a grand -Ascription that rent the heavens with loudness, as prostrating -themselves, they sang: - - “All hail! Oh, Honest Labor, hail! - At thy dear feet we fall; - We praise, we laud, we magnify, - And crown thee Lord of all.” - -[Illustration] - -And the noise of the Ascription was heard afar off; insomuch that -Andronicus Carnivorous, who, thinking he scented danger, had sidled off -and was by this time some miles away, stopped and inquired what the -noise might be, and whether it signified the outbreak of trouble. To -which one made answer that there was a great Apotheosis on, and all the -fleas were deifying Honest Labor, a well known but terribly scrawny and -hungry dog that was almighty popular with the fleas on Bamboozle Day. - -“God forgive me!” cried Andronicus, penitently, “that I should be -derelict in duty on this auspicious occasion. Why, Honest Labor is my -dearest love, to whom I owe my wealth, my life, my all. Oh, I would not -be absent from his coronation for all the world.” And he hopped back as -hard as he could hop. - -And Mak Tinley, seeing him returned, said unto him: “Whence comest -thou, Andronicus? We had chosen thee to officiate as Grand High Priest, -to place the crown on Honest Labor’s head, but thou wert missing when -wanted, and we were forced to give the job to brother Ponderous Flea, -who, I must say, has acquitted himself in the sacred office most -brilliantly, and as well as the best Bamboozler of us all could have -done.” - -“Alack and alas! Brother Mak Tinley,” replied Andronicus, “thou knowest -that I am a somewhat timid flea; and I thought, when brother Pharaoh -Phrique was speaking that there was going to be trouble; so I sidled -off. I see now that my fears were unfounded. I am awfully sorry to have -missed this coronation, but I’ll try to be on hand at the next crowning -and taffying.” - -And when the multitude of the dogs saw the multitude of the fleas fall -prostrate to Honest Labor, and heard the shout of the great Ascription, -they were astounded and delighted; and they said to one another that -surely the fleas were their dearest friends; that surely they could -have no wealth comparable to a Country and a Flag, and that surely in -a land where Statistics and great Averages abounded on all sides, and -where great crops of them could be reaped at any time, and where Honest -Labor was held in such reverence as to be crowned King, it was sinful, -it was positively wicked—to imagine for a moment that they were hungry, -that Hunger was a Delusion and Unpatriotism, that every truly loyal -Canisvillian was bound in duty to the Flag to deny the existence of and -repudiate. - -And their delirious joy did make them deaf to the rumblings of their -empty bellies. - -And all the multitude of the fleas arose, and, led by the Bamboozling -Committee, formed and marched in Solemn Procession around and around -King Honest Labor—whose head by this time was grown so big that it -threatened to burst its crown. - -Oh, they were a goodly crowd of infinitely varied hues and colors, and -antagonistic opinions of each other, all blended together that day -in one grand harmony of purpose and feeling. Low Pressurists, Medium -Pressurists, High Pressurists, Nighuntos, Faraways, Petty Squabblers, -Grand Squabblers, Eminent Fleas, Wealthy Fleas, Monstrous Fleas, all -were Dog Worshippers then, and the most humble and obedient servants -and subjects of His Grievously Hungry but Supernal Majesty, King Honest -Labor; and as they marched past him each swung a censer of thickly -fuming and heavily perfumed Flattery under his royal nose; and as they -marched and swung, they sang: - - “In politics always - At loggerheads we; - But we’re all of us one, - In our worship of thee, - Honest Labor.” - -And they shouted “God save the King!” and all the dogs to the waving of -the pretty cloths and a crash of the wind, bang and thump instruments, -cried “Amen.” And they swung the censers, and cried “Long Live the -King!” and all the dogs answered “Amen,” and they prostrated themselves -and cried, “All hail the King;” and all the dogs cried, “All hail!” - -And right in the midst of the grand insanity the heavens were again -darkened; the weird green and yellow lights flashed again; the heavenly -breeze lifted up the proud and noble Flag, and flapped it with a great -flapping; the fleas prostrated themselves again, and the dogs followed -suit. The Bamboozling Committee, with Grover Ponderous Flea and his -satellites, gathered around the throne and the Flag in a sacred circle, -and the Reverend Salaried Barker Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite stepped -forth, and turning to the dogs with outstretched paw, lifted up a voice -of solemnity and cried: - -“Hear ye, O dogs, O hear ye. Thus saith Heaven: This is the Flag of -the Free, and this is the throne of King Honest Labor, our National -Pride and Glory, the only real, genuine, and original Flag and throne; -designed in Heaven and set up in the only spot on earth worth living -in—Canisville—where God hath concentrated his blessings; the Flag, -at the terror of whose shake slavery, ill-government, corruption, -injustice, inequality run shrieking and terrified to hell; under -whose blessed protection, virtue, honesty and industry always come to -honor and wealth; and vice, idleness and dishonesty to want, shame -and everlasting contempt [Solemn snickering and winking amongst the -Bamboozling Committee; and the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, is -heard to gently murmur, “True, all true; bless the Lord!” ] a Flag under -which all fleas are prosperous and all dogs are contented, and all -things go on in divinely appointed order. - -“Now therefore, seeing we have the grandest Country on earth, the -grandest Throne, the grandest King, and the grandest Flag floating over -us all, let us take these grand dispensations as Heaven’s bow of promise -that God will evermore bless us and keep us. Where these are, no evil -can touch us; no hunger, no poverty can ever come. - -“Therefore, in the name of Heaven, whose secrets I am on familiar terms -with, and to whom particularly God has revealed his will, I say poverty, -hunger, want, begone! and to fullness, plenty and content, come and -abide! Begone panic! begone lack of confidence! begone crisis! Let there -be a conspiracy of cheerful sermons and words and talk. Let all dogs -stop singing ‘Windham’ and sing ‘Coronation.’ Let them positively refuse -to admit the existence of hunger amongst them. Conspire together to -believe yourselves round and plump and fat and full. It is all a matter -of confidence and faith; for the Blessed Book on the costly cushion, -which it hath been given to me alone of Heaven to interpret, saith: “All -things are possible unto them that believe!” Therefore have faith, and -be ye full, contented and happy; and know ye that this is the grandest -country in the world, and this the grandest moment of the grandest hour -of the grandest year of the grandest century the world ever saw.” - -Then the Blatherskite, lifting his eyes and paws to heaven, invoked -upon them all an abundance of corn and wine and oil and bones and meat, -and on top of them Heaven’s choicest spiritual blessings; all the -Bamboozlers said “Amen,” the sun came out in dazzling splendor; the Flag -fluttered once more; the pretty cloths were waved; the wind, bang and -thump instruments made a final hubbub, and the great Bamboozle came to -an end, and the delighted and happy dogs, with a final cheer, dispersed. - -Then the Bamboozlers laughed and winked to each other, and hauled down -the Flag of the Free and packed it away until wanted again. - -But when they went to pull down the throne, they noticed that poor King -Honest Labor was fallen over to one side, and when they went to tear his -crown and robe off, they lifted him up, and with surprise noticed that -he was stone dead and cold. - -And one ran and fetched one of the curious creatures called “Emdees,” -who looked the poor dog over, and gave it as his opinion that deceased -had come by his decease by reason of heart failure, superinduced by -the great excitement of the great Function, to which his constitution, -etcetera, was inadequate, owing to chronic Vacuity of the Alimentary -Canal, which was, no doubt, according to a previous statement of the -deceased, an hereditary complaint, for which no one but deceased’s -parents were to blame; and it was his opinion that parents ought not to -have such complaints. - -And some of the Bamboozlers said it was unfortunate that he should have -died just then, as the pesky thinking dogs might hear of it, and do -something to wreck the Bamboozle. But others confidently asserted that -all dogs were fools anyhow, and that if they did get to hear that Honest -Labor had died of starvation, they would forget all about it by next -Bamboozle Day. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXIII. - - SHOWS THERE’S NOTHING LIKE PATRIOTISM TO HUMBUG, STARVE - AND SWINDLE THE MASSES WITH; AND NOTHING LIKE STATISTICS - TO LIE WITH.—THE GREAT GEE WHIZZ APPEARS, SEEKING SOME - ONE TO SELL ITS SERVICES TO.—THE BAMBOOZLERS HIRE IT. - - -IT was many days before the force of the Great Bamboozle spent itself. -Though the scramble and scratching for bones was even fiercer than ever; -and though the infernal grind at the Handle of the Blood Mill grew -daily more hellish, and the cruel greed of the bloated Monstrous Fleas -grew daily more adamantine and pitiless; though robbery, murder, death -by starvation and suicide grew daily more common, the dogs had been so -thoroughly hypnotized that they perversely sought everywhere for a cause -for all these things save in the right place. - -They had graduated so well in the course of patriotism they had recently -been put through that in their midnight meetings together, to bark and -talk over their distressful condition, they put up a fac-simile of -the great Flag of Canisville and ordered that every meeting be opened -by genuflexion to the Flag of Freedom and Prosperity, and closed by -prostration to the Flag of Liberty and Plethoric Stomach; and further -ordered that all speeches, arguments and discussions should proceed upon -certain indubitable and undiscussible premises called Sacred Truths. -They were: - -(1.) This is a Free Country. - -(2.) Our Flag is the Flag of Liberty. - -(3.) All Good is indigenous to Canisville. - -(4.) All Evil comes from Abroad. - -And they ordained that all doubt of these Sacred Truths was mortal sin -that could never be atoned for, neither in this world nor in that which -is to come; and that any dog who in any speech, argument or discussion -should step off these premises, and by assertion, hint or insinuation, -or even careless construction of his sentences, should convey or cause -to be conveyed, the understanding or impression, in any degree, however -faint, that this country was not or might not be a Free Country; that -this Flag was not or might not be the Flag of Liberty; that all Good was -not or might not be indigenous; and that all Evil did not or possibly -might not come from Abroad, should be instantly killed or fearfully -mutilated. And they furthermore proclaimed that they desired it to be -known to all the world that the dogs and fleas of Canisville and their -Common Flag were so unutterably sacred and superior to the rest of the -world that any insult or ridicule to either would be regarded as a -_casus belli_. - -But in time the gnawings of their never ending hunger began to -perplex them sorely. How it was that God had, according to the words -of his prophets Grandadhat, Mak Tinley, Dephool Flea, De Little Wit -Blatherskite and the rest, given them the greater blessing of a Country -and a Flag, and had withholden from them the lesser one of Victuals, -bothered them very much. Of course they were ready at a moment’s notice, -when called on, to die for their Country and Flag when either was in -danger, but why they were dying every day without any notice, without -being called on, and when neither Country nor Flag was in danger, -caused them to scratch their heads. And as for that Average of one -thousand mouthfuls of good Victuals per dog that Mak Tinley’s Statistics -incontrovertibly gave them, they couldn’t make it out at all; for to -make the Average _out_ they had to make the Victuals _in_, and that they -could not do for the life of them. - -This was how they would discuss the question. One hungry dog would meet -another on the street and thus would they say: - -_First Dog._ “Good morning, brother.” - -_Second Dog._ “It is not a good morning.” - -_First Dog._ “Whyfore, brother? Art thou not in health?” - -_Second Dog._ “No dog in Canisville is in health. Art thou?” - -_First Dog._ “Verily, no. I’m hungry.” - -_Second Dog._ “That’s strange. So am I; and yet, the great prophet Mak -Tinley, on Bamboozle Day, showed us incontrovertibly that Statistics -give every dog of us an Average of one thousand mouthfuls of Good -Victuals.” - -_First Dog._ “He did, and we all know that he is the most truthful of -the Only Original Truth Speakers; and yet I speak the truth, too, when I -state that _my_ Average is about one mouthful per every thousand days.” - -_Second Dog._ “That’s about _my_ Average, too. I have examined myself; I -have felt of my stomach, and I cannot find those one thousand mouthfuls -of mine. Lord, I wish I could, I do indeed.” - -_First Dog._ “Well, brother, it may be there is some fault or sin in us -that prevents the Blessed Statistics from giving us the blessing. It -may be that there is some wicked way within us; some secret sin that -hinders the entrance of the Average into our stomachs. As the blessed -Blatherskite saith: ‘These things are received by Faith, not by Sight.’” - -_Second Dog._ “That’s so, brother; it is certainly _not_ by Sight in our -case. I do believe we have not Faith enough.” - -And so they would part, one praying to God to give him a larger Faith, -and the other praying Him to never mind the Faith but to give him a -larger Average. - -So the demon, Doubt, again began to creep abroad in Canisville. - -Therefore the Bamboozling Committee, carefully noting the perplexed -headshakings and the other sure signs of another outbreak of the -thinking contagion, did wisely take other precautions to forestall it. - -And there was a day when they and some of the Monstrous Fleas were -devising further bamboozlements for the dogs, and a Phenomenon came also -among them. - -And the Committee said unto the Phenomenon: “Who art thou, and whence -comest thou?” - -Then answered the Phenomenon, and said: “I am the Great Many Headed -Daily Press with the Immense Circulation; I am four hundred square miles -of nastiness; and I come from going to and fro in the earth, and from -walking up and down in it.” - -And the Committee said: “And what doest thou here, Great Daily Press?” - -And the Great Many Headed answered, and said: “I am the Great Gee Whizz, -having a Larger Circulation than all the other Gee Whizzes combined. -I am the bold, fearless, outspoken and independent champion of truth, -honesty, uprightness and good government, and the terror of evil doers; -and I am going about just now seeking an owner whom I may serve.” - -“What are thy terms?” asked the Bamboozling Committee, seeing here a -possibly great aid in the Cause. - -“My terms are one only,” replied the Phenomenon, “and are that my master -shall be the highest bidder for my services.” - -“And what wilt thou do for us if we hire thee?” asked the Committee. - -“Absolutely what ye ask me to do; for he that hireth me is my god until -a higher bidder appeareth, when I instantly transfer my allegiance.” - -“What we desire done now,” said the Bamboozlers, “is the invention of -handy bamboozlements to fill up the time between one Bamboozle Day and -another.” - -“Good!” exclaimed the Great Gee Whizz. “Bid high and I am yours, and ye -shall never regret your bargain.” - -So the Bamboozling Committee asked the Monstrous Fleas present to put up -great wealth and buy him for their service, which service, they reminded -the Monstrous Fleas, was the Public Service. - -And the Monstrous Fleas there and then bid enormously high for him, and -bought him; and the Phenomenon did there and then contract himself, -body and soul, unto the Bamboozling Committee and their backers, the -Monstrous Fleas, to execute their will in all things until a higher -bidder for his services should appear. - -And they said: “O, thou Great Gee Whizz, wherewith wilt thou persuade -the dogs and bamboozle them, for they be many?” - -And the Phenomenon said: “Said I not unto you that I am the Great and -Everlasting Gee Whizz, and have a Greater Circulation than all the -other Gee Whizzes combined? Do I not employ a mighty army of invisible -Circulators to go and be everywhere amongst the dogs? Behold! I will be -a lying spirit in the mouths of all these my prophets, and they shall -persuade the foolish dogs that they have found a Savior and a Deliverer -in me. - -“I will be their Champion. I will be everywhere about them, above and -below, and will cluck-cluck with a most anxious solicitude over them, -even as a hen cluck-clucketh over her chickens, or as Satan over them -that are sealed unto him. I will be a Holy Shekinah unto them—a pillar -of dust and cloud by day, and a pillar of fire by night; and they shall -march and halt obediently as I give them the sign. I will weep and -ululate with them in their miseries and hunger, and none shall come -within leagues of me in my denunciations of the cruel and unjust fleas -that suck their blood. I will rage against you and enrage them, and then -with sound of gong and big drum, and a raising of flags, I will give to -eat unto the hungriest of them, and they shall know that I am the Great -Many Headed Gee Whizz and Champion of the poor and the oppressed. Thus -shall I be a god unto them, going before them, and they shall swear by -me, and meekly follow whithersoever I go; and _I will go your way every -time_. - -“I will daily and eveningly point out to them that their woes are due -not to _fleas_, but only to _bad_ fleas; and every morning and evening I -will announce that I, the Great Gee Whizz, having a Greater Circulation -than all the other Gee Whizzes combined, have a brand-new great scheme -on hand, that shall infallibly deliver them from all their woes; and -every day I will astound them with a great new disclosure of some -gigantic and overshadowing wickedness of the bad fleas, which I alone, -the great Gee Whizz, have exclusively discovered; and I will keep them -forever believing that they are just on the very point of having all -their wrongs righted, and that by _my_ engineering and the might of _my_ -power, a great avalanche of Good Victuals is about to fall upon them. -Thus will I be their Champion and serve you. - -“All the news of the day that is of no importance, and is not -thought-provoking, I will give to them, clothed in the garb of Strict -Truth; but all and any news that it may not be expedient unto you to -give them, I will suppress or so garble it that its power to injure you -shall be nullified; for you and I will own and guard all the avenues of -information, and we will make them all converge to and pass through a -sifter and a filter that I will devise, so that these fool dogs shall -get nothing but nice, pure, wholesome, well-selected stuff. - -“Moreover, my Bamboozle shall every day give them wholesome amusement. -From the tropically fertile dunghills of my Circulators’ prostituted -brains, I will gather and scatter amongst them every morning and -evening, whole bouquets of the rankest literary toadstools, skunk -cabbage and stinkweeds, which they will take, on the strength of their -faith in me as the Great Gee Whizz, for the choicest of flowers. -Thus will I pervert their noses and they shall utterly lose all -discernment. Oh, I will pour trashy, sickly, foolish, unclean and -horrific blood-and-thunder stories into their disordered brains until -sober truth shall be insipid unto them, and they shall come to hate -everything but that which raises their hair with horror and gives them -the shivers and creeps and blood curdles. Thus will I soften their -brains and imbecilitate their minds, so that they shall be as putty to -your moulding.” - -“Enough, enough,” cried Mountebank Dephool Flea. “Thou art my sort to a -dot. If thou canst do only half what thou proposest, thou wilt be worth -to us thy weight in gold.” - -“Aye, aye,” cried all the rest of the Bamboozling Committee, and the -Monstrous Fleas, in chorus, “thou art indeed a Flea Savior, sent of God -in the nick of time to deliver us; perform but a tenth of these thy -promises to us, and we will make thee as fat and wealthy as the most -monstrous of us.” - -“Aha!” laughed the Phenomenon, “ye know not the greatness and extent -of my power. Ye have devised bamboozlements, which in the simplicity -of your hearts, ye think are very fine; but they are transient -and evanescent, and of themselves will surely fail; for they lack -the essential conditions of successful bamboozlement, namely, -_semi-daily continuance_. Bamboozlements, to be enduring, must be -applied daily; and therein do I prove my inestimable value to you, -for I am the Great Many Headed Semi-Daily Press, the Everlasting -Three-Hundred-and-Sixty-five-Days-a-Year Gee Whizz, and the Immense -Circulator. - -“But I will do more than the things I have already promised. I will -amuse them with foolish nonsense. I will every day give them something -to guess. I will offer a basketful of rich grub to the dog that cometh -nearest to solving a problem; like this, for instance: A dog, originally -fifty pounds weight, that has had but one mouthful of meat per day for -six months, and nothing at all for the last three days, is chucked into -the hopper with an initial velocity of ten feet per second, and at an -angle of forty-five degrees; how many somersaults will he describe -before he is lost to sight, how much will he weigh, and how many hairs -will there be on his body? Or I will offer to give a prize unto the -lady flea, that in the opinion of the dogs, is the most beautiful and -popular. Or I will get up a standing-on-one-leg-the-longest contest, -with a nice meaty bone to reward the victor. Or I will offer a reward to -the dog that shall come nearest to guessing which of all my contemporary -Gee Whizzes is the biggest liar. All these diversions will keep them -ever on the _qui vive_, to get prizes; and when every hungry dog sees -there is a chance for a good big bone for a mere guess, he will never -have time or inclination to think on the General Misery Question. - -“But finally, I will teach them that their great and solemn duty is to -be _law abiding_ and that violence is wrong. Ye shall make all the laws; -and I will teach them to be _law abiding_. Ye shall enact that all dogs -are to be bitten and bled at the will and pleasure of the fleas, and I -will teach them that to be _law abiding_ is the highest duty of dogs; ye -shall enact that no dog has rights which any flea is bound to respect; -and I will teach the dogs that only by _obeying the law_ can they obtain -their rights. Ye may trample all laws in the mire, for ye have the -police dogs to enforce your right of trampling; and I will teach them -that no dog can hope to retain the love of God and the sympathy of the -Great Public, if he goes to trampling on the law. Ye shall enact that it -is illegal for dogs to eat, and I will teach them to be _law abiding_. -Ye shall enact that hunger in dogs is illegal, that any dog who shall -either legally or illegally ask for or try to obtain food or drink, or -any other of his natural rights, shall be deemed guilty of a crime; and -I will teach them that it is the first duty of dogs to be _law abiding_, -as were the Fathers and Prophets of our country; and to _obey the law_, -as all fleas and good citizens do. - -“Thus will I keep all these dogs befooled, and fuddled and muddled, -so that nothing short of the direst and most unforeseen accident will -enable them to see the joke. - -“And if any dog, by reason of these hard lines, shall growl and make a -fuss, and go to illegally taking any of his natural rights, or in any -other way make himself obnoxious to you, and ye grow weary and want him -killed, all ye need do is to express your desire and it shall be done. I -will promptly set my innumerable Circulators to prophesy falsely against -him, to sneer him down, to ridicule him down, to write him down, and -make Public Opinion ripe for the police dogs to grab him, and throttle -him and extinguish him; for I, the Great I Am, am an Accuser, Judge and -Jury, at your service.” - -And all the Committee and all the Monstrous Fleas rejoiced and were -glad, and said unto the Phenomenon: “Go forth and do as thou hast said; -be a lying and bamboozling spirit unto all these dogs and Heaven bless -thee.” - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XXXIV. - - THE GREAT DAILY PRESS FULFILLS ALL ITS - PROMISES.—UNIVERSAL IDIOCY.—MORE LIBERTY AND A BIGGER - FLAG.—LIBERTY TAKES THE FORM OF A STATUE.—POLICE - EXEMPLIFICATION OF LIBERTY.—A NEW SONG. - - -SO the Many Headed went forth and was a lying spirit, morning and -evening, in the mouths of all its prophets. And it wrought well the will -of the Bamboozlers and the Monstrous Fleas, in deceiving and fooling the -dogs; for under its subtle ministrations as an Angel of Light, the dogs -rapidly grew limp and idiotic in body and mind, and lost all power of -discernment between right and wrong, and good and evil, and all taste -for everything but idiotic pastimes, and silly, trashy and horrible -stories, which it daily poured into their ears. Yea, so thoroughly were -their minds debauched, enervated and enfeebled that when the few—the -very few—surviving dogs of thought and sense, came unto them and begged -them to give a thought or two now and then to their poor, miserable and -lost condition, and the way to remedy it, the dogs said such talk was a -great weariness, and forthwith rolled over and went to sleep. - -And it was so that the Great Gee Whizz went up rapidly in the favor of -the Monstrous Fleas, who, in gratitude to it as their Savior, gave it -large quantities of blood to drink, so that it grew as big and bloated -as any one of the most monstrous of them, and was given the place of -honor in their assemblies when they and the Bamboozlers held special -praise meetings to laugh and wink at each other. - -And the Bamboozlers instructed the Great Gee Whizz to keep up the -_novelty_ of its dog befoolments, and be sure and never present the same -trick twice over. - -And the Great Gee Whizz was grieved because the Bamboozlers seemed to -think it needed any suggestion to this end; and it suggested back to -the Bamboozlers, that in fertility of resources in bamboozlements, it -could give points to them. Therefore, the Bamboozlers did shut up, and -did no more offer suggestions to the Great Gee Whizz, the Prince of -Prestidigitateurs, Equilibrists and Acrobats. - -For there was one trick it _did_ present every day; a trick which in its -mature judgment was all the more utterly bamboozling and confounding to -the dogs, by its eternal sameness of repetition. It was this: - -Every morning the Many Headed appeared on high, in full sight of the -dogs and held a Solemn High Punch and Judy Show. Concealing its body -from sight behind a draping which was figured with the Flag of the Free, -it caused a few of the Bamboozlers, whom it had previously instructed, -to pull certain strings attached to the necks of its various heads, -when all the said heads went to hissing and spitting at and punching -each other, and calling each other the vilest names. Each and every -head called each and every other a liar, a coward, and a traitor to -the ever blessed and beloved dogs, and a paid tool and toady of the -bad fleas. Each one yelled that it alone was the Only Original Truth -Speaker, and had an Immensely Greater Circulation than all the others -combined. - -Oh, it was a goodly show, and fooled the dogs mightily, and divided them -up into sects and parties, and kept them eternally busy cursing each -other, and swearing, each, by the particular head which each decided was -the Genuine Friend and Champion of the dogs. And not one of the poor -fools could see that all of the heads belonged to the same body. - -[Illustration] - -So what with their much work and little food, and the daily -bamboozlements of the Many Headed, and the brain-softening exercises -of the Special Bamboozle Days, the dogs became a gaunt mob of skinny, -drivelling idiots, of flea-covered bodies and eclipsed minds. So that -when the noise of the bang and thump instruments, and the marching dogs, -and the waving of the pretty cloths called them to the next Bamboozle -day, they came with tottering steps, and lolling tongues, and wheezing -breath, and protruding eyes. They did not run—they could not. They came -from a sense of duty to the Flag of the Free, which the Bamboozlers had -made of immense size; for they said a great and growing country could -only be fittingly typified by a great and growing Flag, and as Freedom -and Prosperity had increased under the fostering care of Heaven, until -they had filled the whole earth about Canisville, it was meet and merely -grateful to God that the Flag fill the whole heavens too. It was verily -a heavens filling Flag, and it was raised on the tallest and stoutest -pole that could be procured from all the country roundabout; for to-day -was to be one of the maddest and gladdest days of all the mad and glad -days. - -For Liberty in Canisville had grown so large and universal, and the -fame thereof had so gone over the pond, that a lot of Monstrous Fleas -over there, had got a lot of idiotic dogs there to make them a great, -hollow, copper idol of the form of a grotesque looking female of human -kind, which the said Monstrous Fleas said was a Statue of Liberty, which -they, in the name (they said), and with the compliments, of the free -and hungry dogs of that land, had sent over to the Monstrous Fleas of -Canisville, to be received in the name of the free and hungry dogs of -Canisville, and set up at the gates of Canisville, as a great visible -sign that there was one great Free Country in the world unto which the -oppressed, hungry and flea-bitten dogs of all nations might run and be -saved. - -And it was a glorious time. The Greatest Gee Whizz of All had, with a -great cyclone of noise and wind, got thousands of poor, hungry, fool -dogs to pinch their bellies to raise wealth enough to buy a pedestal to -put the great hollow copper idol on. - -The wind and thump instruments made a mighty noise; the pretty cloths -fluttered gaily; and the poor dogs, thrilled into enthusiasm by the -sights and sounds, wagged their tails and cheered as much as their -shortness of wind and contracted stomachs allowed. Then, at the sound of -trumpet and booming of guns, the copper idol was borne along in a grand -procession of fat, eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, and guarded by -a large body of police dogs. - -Now, the police dogs, it was noticed, had grown quite corpulent and -greasy and consequential since the first Bamboozle Day, and presented -quite a contrast to the rest of the dogs, for the fleas had found -out that eternal good feeding is the price of police loyalty. True, -they were only dogs, and were veritable slaves in the presence of -Pup McPoodle, and the wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, who told them -to distinctly understand that they were _Public_ Servants, _their_ -servants, and _not_ the servants of the dogs at all, as the _Public_ -meant fleas only, and they were not to give them any of their bark, on -pain of being relegated to the ranks of the dogs that had to scratch -for a living; but as they were rotund of belly, and sleek and large, -and in all other respects quite different from the common mob of dogs, -they regarded themselves as of a different caste, and their sleekness, -rotundity, and well-to-do-ism as superior-holiness marks differentiating -them from the other dogs; and although they knew that the victuals which -fed them were all forcibly taken from the meagre supplies which the -other dogs scratched up, they ignored the fact, and held their noses up -as high and consequentially as ever they could, and mortally hated any -other dog to touch them. - -[Illustration] - -And the Jubilation was great; the great Flag of Liberty was floating its -proudest; songs to Liberty were floating to Heaven; her Statue was being -led gloriously along, rearing aloft her head to Heaven in magnificent -symbolism of the majesty and freedom of the nation of dogs, over whom -she was now erected to be Goddess, when a slight accidental crowding -amongst the dogs, caused some of the dirty and ill-smelling ones to be -crowded so close to the police dogs as actually to touch them. - -Now, here was a dreadful occurrence. According to the holy religion -of the police dogs, to be even looked at by an ordinary working, -grub-hunting dog, is defilement that requires forty days of -sequestration and purification, with much fasting and prayer; but to be -_touched_ by one—_actually touched_—involves the total and irreparable -loss of Paradise beyond the grave. - -Oh, here then, was a wholesale touching of these sacred animals, by an -unsanctified and unwashen mob of beastly and measly working dogs of the -lowest caste. Horror! Peste! Blood!! Thunder, Lightning and Death!!! -For one paralyzing instant they stood petrified with horror and terror; -and then the full realization that they had by this horrible defilement -suddenly forfeited all hope of Heaven and eternal bliss, rushed over -their brains, and, like demons, they fell on those dirty dogs, and began -to club the life out of them. The unfortunates, shrieking and howling, -fled with all the speed their diminished breath and vitality were -capable of, with the police dogs in hot pursuit, laying about them right -and left in _self defence_. - -Having thus, in some slight degree, purged away their defilement, and -left on the scalps of those dirty dogs, many bloody gashes, as souvenirs -of Glorious Liberty, the police dogs, panting from their victory, -returned to their places; and the songs, the procession and the worship -of Liberty were resumed; the Goddess was stood up on her pedestal; -the Bamboozlers ranted and raved about Freedom their rantingest and -ravingest, the Great Many Headed Daily Press flitted hither and thither -and everywhere, boosting up the hungry dogs to the proper pitch of -Patriotic Pride; the Heavens opened, and Freedom as an Eagle, with -specially wiped bill and claws, came down and perched on the Goddess’ -uplifted arm; the assembled fleas gave a great shout, and, led by Tee -de Little Wit Blatherskite, Dephool Flea, Grandadhat, and the rest of -the Bamboozlers, gathered around the Flag, and sang: - - “Now pray we for our Country, - That Canisville long may be - The Holy and the Happy, - And the gloriously Free. - Who blesseth Her is blessed; - So peace be in her walls, - And joy in all her palaces, - Her kennels, hovels and halls. - - “Now pray we that the Bamboozlers, - Our rulers long may be, - And Canisville, dear old Canisville, - Still be famed for Liberty. - In Freedom and Religion, - May she be foremost seen, - And the Goddess at our Country’s gates - For aye and ever be our queen.” - - - - -CHAPTER XXXV. - - LIBERTY, LOTS OF IT.—BUT VICTUALS ARE UNFORTUNATELY IN - INVERSE PROPORTION.—MUTUAL CONGRATULATION OF THE FLEAS - ON THE VERY SATISFACTORY STATE OF THINGS.—A POINT - OVERLOOKED; WHICH PROVES THAT THE BEST LAID SCHEMES OF - MICE AND FLEAS GANG AFT AGLEE.—ILLEGAL HUNGER.—ALMIGHTY - TOMMY. - - -THE Liberty Goddess consecrating was a perfect success; the dogs were -delighted and happy, and as they staggered back, hungry and weary, to -the holes and hiding places they called their homes, a sweet peace and -content was upon them. Why they were content and peaceful they did not -know and could not tell; but in a dazed and hypnotic way, they felt -that though the fleas upon them and round about them were eating them -up; though their poor bones were protruding through their skins, and -disease, and anæmia were becoming universal, they had an intangible -property they called a Free Country, a Glorious Flag, and a wonderful -Statue that in some mysterious way made them a Great Nation. - -And the Bamboozling Committee were delighted even unto delirium, and -they reported unto the Board of Public Safety that God had prospered -their efforts beyond their most sanguine expectations, and that the dogs -were, with perhaps a few exceptions—whom they hoped the police would -diligently make note of, with a view to their early, total and complete -extirpation and extinction—now reduced to a very satisfactory state of -drivelling idiocy, and law abiding patriotism, and that they could be -led by the nose whithersoever the Board might desire; that the latest -acquisition to their Committee—the Great Many Headed Daily Press, -could not be too highly spoken of for its wonderful efficiency; in -fact it had—though the latest—proved itself the greatest acquisition -to their bamboozling forces; that in fact it was more than a whole -Bamboozling Committee in itself, and could devise more and slicker dog -bamboozlements in five minutes than the whole Committee could in five -months; that its terms were very simple, being only that they it served -should be the highest bidders, which of course meant that the dogs could -never be “in it” at bidding with the fleas, and therefore it would be -at the bidding of the fleas forever and forever, Amen. And finally they -wished to accord the Crown and the Palm to the Great Many Headed Daily -Press. - -And the Board reported to the Government and the Monstrous Fleas that -the Country was saved, bless the Lord; that the Period of Trouble was -all safely past, thank God; that all dangerous combinations of White -Labellers were broken up beyond all hope of future revival, Heaven be -praised; that all contagious thinking and speaking dogs were known to -the police and were marked for slaughter, with God’s help; that the -right relationship between the dogs and the fleas had been properly -defined and established, and that under Providence all danger of the -natural, God-ordained right of fleas to live on dogs being again brought -into question was passed away, praise God; and that peace, patriotism, -good order, submission to authority, and ever-growing blood dividends, -were now established on a firm and ever enduring basis, Hallelujah. - -All which was quite true. But there was one thing that neither the -Great Many Headed Daily Press nor the Bamboozling Committee, nor the -Government, nor the Monstrous Fleas could devise; that no power on -earth ever was able to devise; that no power on earth ever will be -able to devise; and that is, how dogs can be starved forever and yet -be made to yield the same amount of blood to the sucking of fleas. No -power ever did it, but every power believes it can be done, and that -_it_ can do it. Therefore the Canisville fleas imagined they had made -all arrangements to do it, and so settled themselves down in comfort -and peace to the everlasting bliss of drinking themselves eternally -fuller and tighter; every little flea seeing good prospects of becoming -a big flea, and every big flea looking hopefully forward to becoming -a Monstrous Flea, and every Monstrous Flea looking savagely gleefully -forward to the glorious time when his paunch should measure miles and -miles around, and he should be simply an immense reservoir of blood, -_blood_, BLOOD, BLOOD. - -But alas! The greed of the fleas in cornering the food of the dogs to -reduce them to servility, along with their increased avidity for their -blood, overreached itself, and dogs everywhere began to die; and as the -dearth increased, the surviving ones went insane and more savagely than -ever fought and killed one another for the odd scraps that were now -to be found. And the dying off of so many dogs threw vast multitudes -of fleas _out of dog_, and _they_ began to starve too; and when they -began to starve they went, for want of dog, to fighting and devouring -one another; all which mightily pleased the Monstrous Fleas, which did -own the Blood and Bones Grindery and the Government, and pretty nearly -everything else by this time; and they chuckled and said, “Now shall -the pesky little and middle sized fleas be starved out, and there will -be all the more blood for us, and we shall possess the earth and dwell -alone in it, and grow and grow and grow until none shall be so big as -we, for we are surely the children of Heaven, and the favorites of the -Most High; yes we are.” - -And the famine increased in Canisville, and the dogs were sore -distressed and cried aloud to Heaven for help. But the heavens were as -brass and heard not; so, turning from that quarter, they turned to the -Government and to the fleas, and got together great multitudes of the -most hungry of their number and made unto themselves a large Flag of -the Free, and several Flags of the Hungry, and marched in procession, -bearing these on high, and also large legends such as “We want bread,” -“We want work,” “We are hungry,” “Merciful fleas, do something for us,” -“We are bloodless; oh fleas, give us blood.” - -And the noise of their marching was disturbing to the peace and repose -of the Monstrous Fleas, and they ordered Pup McPoodle to order the -police dogs to order it stopped; and the chief of the police dogs, being -very fat and sleek and plethoric of blood himself, and being utterly -unable to understand what hunger meant, spake austerely unto them, and -said: “By the almighty power in me vested, as Public Functionary of -the Great Public (the fleas), this thing has got to stop right here. -What the Satan you’ve got to march for, I ken not. What the Satan -you mean by being hungry, I cannot for the life of me comprehend. I -don’t know what the word ‘Hunger’ means, but I believe it’s an illegal -word and contrary to the Constitution. [Voice in the crowd, “It is -contrary to _our_ constitutions, too.”] I have been told that it means -Anarchy, which I don’t quite comprehend, but which, I know, is illegal; -consequently disperse, get out, vamose, and go away, and don’t ever let -me hear of this illegal business of getting hungry again, or by my holy -williamstick I will make things red hot for you. I, the Almighty Tommy, -have spoken.” - -[Illustration] - -So the poor skinny dogs, withered by the red hot glance of the Almighty -Tommy’s eye, and scorched by his burning words, and moreover having -been thus so plainly caught, _flagrante delicto_, in the illegal state -of being hungry and expressing the fact in words, did haul down their -legends and their Flags of the Hungry, and lifting up the Flag of the -Free as high as possible, in token of enhanced reverence for the Law -and the Constitution, marched back and dispersed to their several -holes and dens, where hundreds of them meekly lay down and legally -and constitutionally died of starvation, but where they were not -discovered until their poor festering corpses had raised an illegal and -unconstitutional stench. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXVI. - -DING DONG LIBERTY BELL.—LIBERTY BELLS CHEAPER THAN LIBERTY. - - -RIGHT in the midst of all this universal starvation and death, when -every scrap of liberty had been taken from the dogs, and not one dare -open his mouth to say his soul or body was his own, the Board of Public -Safety suggested to the Bamboozling Committee that now would be the most -appropriate time, in the eternal fitness of things, to get up an extra -special bamboozlement that should forever fix and clinch in the minds of -the dogs the idiotic delusion that they were free. - -So the ever-ready Bamboozling Committee ran together and summoned to -their sitting all the glib-tongued fat fleas and salaried barkers they -could find; and President Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea arose and said, -“Dear Friends: The state of our town and country is very satisfactory -just now. Never in its whole history was there such a beautiful blending -and harmony of the interests of dogs and fleas as now. Our upper class -fleas are doing marvellously well. Thanks to God, dividends are large -and frequent, owing to the fact that very many of the middle-class -fleas, who alienated altogether too much blood that rightfully belonged -to us, have died off. The dogs everywhere have been reduced to know -their place, thanks to the efforts of our brethren, Carnivorous and -Phrique—to whom our all-wise God gave the strength of his arm in -the hour of their sore need—and of our friends, Rosy Pretty Flower, -Pennzy Pattyson, Webbfoot, Gold Jay, and our faithful, paunch-bellied -police dogs. And the efforts of these our brethren, have been most -ably seconded by the preachments and ‘Thus-saith-the-Lords’ of our -dearly beloved brother Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite and his fellow -fat-salaried barkers, and, above all, by the subtle finesse of our most -dearly beloved faithful servant the Great Many Headed Daily Press. Yes, -brethren, we are indeed highly favored of God in having three such -invaluable aids to the subjugation of the dogs as the police, the Church -and the Great Daily Press—one to persuade them physically, and the -others to blind them with spiritual dust, blandishments, seductions and -lies.” - -Here the Reverend Blatherskite and the Great Many Headed Daily Press -both closed their eyes, and piously murmured, “To God be all the glory; -we are unprofitable servants; we have only done that which it was our -duty to do.” - -“Yes, brethren,” continued Dephool Flea, “peace and plenty everywhere -abound. Everywhere Liberty has been established on foundations that -shall nevermore be shaken; and I think, as we owe a tremendous debt of -gratitude to God for these manifold mercies, we could not show it better -than by getting up to his glory a grand old final something or other in -honor of Liberty, Freedom, Deliverance and all that—a regular sneezer, -you know, a tip-top, _ne plus ultra_ sort of bamboozle that shall beat -all creation.” - -Up jumped then the Great Many Headed Daily Press and said: “I have -it. What these dogs need now, above all things, is more stuff about -Liberty. Ye cannot work this theme too much. It is the liberty stealer’s -and the tyrant’s best guise, you know——” - -“I object,” interrupted a fat flea, excitedly, “to the use of the terms -‘liberty stealer’ and ‘tyrant’ as applied to us.” - -“Order, order;” commanded President Dephool Flea. “Of course we all know -well enough what we are after, but I suggest to our beloved servant, the -Great Many Headed, that, all things considered, it _would_ be better -not to call ourselves by our right names even here in our privacy. It -will subserve our great cause better to try to believe, ourselves, the -bamboozling lies we tell the poor fool dogs. To bamboozle ourselves a -little enables us to appear more sincere and serious to them. Therefore -the Great Daily Press will please not tell the truth even here.” - -“I beg leave to withdraw the offensive truth, then,” said the Great -Gee Whizz. “As I was saying, that Statue business was a grand stroke -of dog bamboozlement, over which ye fleas ought to laugh to your dying -day. Then keep it up. Give these dogs plenty of Liberty talk, Liberty -sentiment, and Liberty fakes to celebrate and shout over, and ye can -bind them with as many slavish bonds as ye may choose to put upon them. -Set them to make the heavens ring with Liberty’s acclaim, and while they -are busy with that, ye can filch all their rights away. Do ye hear me?” - -And all the Bamboozlers answered, “Aye, we hear.” - -“Very good then,” said the Many Headed, “dogs have one great weakness, -and that weakness is their silly love of noise and show. All history -shows, and all our experience proves, that nothing fetches dogs so -quick as noise, racket, din and gaudy show. Low, coarse, undiscerning -simpletons, they are all animal sensibility, and have not yet developed -the ability to pick truth from error, reality from show, and fraud out -of its fine garments of honesty; gumps and boobies, they are pleased -with a rattle and tickled with a straw. - -“Work then, therefore, along the line of their strongest weakness. Give -them noise to make, and plenty of it; something to make an idiotic din -with; something to make them happy and shout. Let us make them a Bell, -a big Bell, an enormous Bell; and we will call it a Liberty Bell. And -so bewitched and superstitionized are they now with everything that is -called Liberty that without more ado they will fall down and worship -it. Then we will set them all to hammer on it, and the noise of the -hammering thereof will please the poor idiots immensely; and then with -our solemnest visages, we will call the noise the Proclamation of -Liberty; at which bewitching words they will all fall down and worship -again. So shall their befoolment, imbecilitation and enslavement be -clinched and confirmed for ever, and ye fleas shall reign supreme, and -suck their blood for ever and ever, Amen.” - -“Bravo! Bravo!” cried all the fleas in chorus. “Good! Grand! give ’em -a Bell, poor imbeciles; anything to please ’em; noise is cheap, and -Liberty metal costs less than Liberty itself.” - -And the suggestion of the Great Many Headed Gee Whizz seemed good unto -the Committee, and they made him Minister Plenipotentiary in the matter. -And he went and sent his Circulators abroad amongst the dogs, to tell -them that a grand new pleasure had been devised for them; that _their_ -prosperity, _their_ glory, _their_ independence, _their_ National -Wealth, their unexampled LIBERTY, were all agoing to be celebrated -with a Bell, a big Bell, a nonpareil Bell, that should weigh _thirteen -thousand pounds_, and, with gorgeous ceremonies, should be baptized -a LIBERTY BELL, to the honor of God and the glory of themselves; and -the show would be worth going many miles to see; and every Tom, Dick, -Harry and Jack was agoing to hammer on it, in honor of everything and -everybody, at every hour of day and night; and the noise of it would be -beau-u-u-tiful, and it would be so loud, and there would be such a lot -of it that the heavens would be just full of it; that all the angels -would knock off their regular business and make a great holiday to -listen to it; and we should all prostrate ourselves and tell God what a -wise thing he did when he passed by all the other dogs in the world and -picked US out to be the recipients of such wealth and glory and Liberty -as he had deluged us with. - -And the dogs were delighted with the prospect of so much glory, and paid -great attention to do as they were told. - -Then in due time, the Great Daily Press announced that the Bamboozling -Committee had appointed themselves, in the name of the dogs, to devise a -Bell and to superintend all the ceremonies. - -Then they proclaimed abroad that as all, both dogs _and_ fleas, were -the recipients of Heaven’s blessings of wealth and Freedom, and as this -Bell was to be an emblematic Bell, all, both dogs _and_ fleas, must -contribute something towards the making of it; so that when its voice -should be hammered out, it should be the voice of _all_. Therefore every -one must bring a bit of metal of some sort and cast it into the fire. - -And on a day appointed, the fleas and the dogs were gathered around -the melting pot; and the fleas, being very wealthy, sent in, with much -ostentation, gold and silver, and nickel, which they called Liberty -Metal, and which with prayer was cast into the fire; and the dogs, being -very poor, went about and scratched up old bits of junk tin, and iron -and brass, and brought them, and with prayer cast them into the fire; -then all the salaried barkers said grace over the melting mass; and the -ever-ready Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, explained that the emblematic -meaning of this unifying fusion of all these heterogeneous elements, -was that we all, though fleas and dogs, poor and rich, small and great, -white and black, weak and strong, were really only _one_, having all -interests in common, and that as in this grand composite Bell, the glory -of each component part was merged in the glory of the whole, so the -glory of each in this nation—poor and rich, top and bottom—was merged -in the glory of the whole of us; in short, the E Pluribus Unum of the -Bell typified the E Pluribus Unum of _us_. - -[Illustration] - -And all the podgy and paunch-bellied fleas, at this lucky discovery -of the beautiful hidden meaning of the fusing mass, set up a great -asthmatic shout of praise, which contagious example caused the dogs to -give out delirious howls of joy, too. For although it would have puzzled -the smartest of them to discover the real actualities of the glorious -things thus typified, they could see that the typification in the pot -was all real and made a very fine show. - -Then a herald came forth and proclaimed aloud that the potful was -cooked enough, and was about to be solemnly poured out—the grandest -libation to Liberty the world had ever seen—and that the Committee of -Arrangements had decreed that as an appropriate ceremony, accompanying, -all the dogs stand on their heads and kick their hind legs in the air, -to signify Freedom and defiance to all the world. - -And at a signal the great ladleful was tipped over, and the white hot -stream ran into a great mould; the fleas shouted “Te Deum,” and fell -down in as flat adoration as their rotund carcases allowed, the salaried -barkers shed from their closed eyes great salt drops of ecstasy; the -dogs stood on their heads and flourished their hind legs, and the -Great Many Headed Gee Whizz stepped forth and announced that Liberty, -glorious, heaven-born Liberty, had put on her metallic petticoat. - -Now, some of the dogs who were so weak that they could not, and a few -who were dull of comprehension and said they did not see the connection -between standing on their heads and Liberty, objected to reverse -themselves. Whereupon the police dogs drew their williamsticks and -belabored them therewith, saying this was Liberty Day, and the beautiful -show was not agoing to be spoilt by a lot of pesky dogs doing as they -liked. They had got to stand on their heads and flourish; them was the -orders, and, by Hokey, any dog that refused that day to honor Liberty, -Freedom and Independence, was agoing to be made to; and what did they -mean by refusing to be free, like everybody else? - -And when those dogs replied that a Liberty that did not allow them to -stand on their feet in a natural manner was tyranny, the police dogs -smote them a smite on the jaw, and told them to shut up and do like the -others; and on their refusal, they clubbed them out of the crowd, which -hissed condemnation of their offence. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXVII. - -MORE LIBERTY BELL.—LIBERTY EARTH.—LIBERTY TREE.—LIBERTY -ROPE.—LIBERTY TINKLERS.—GLORIOUS END OF LIBERTY. - - -THEN the herald proclaimed again that, the Creation being ended, all -would adjourn for a week for the Bell to cool, the week to be spent in -blowing up their patriotic fervor to the maximum incandescence, and -filling their lungs for a fortissimo shout for Liberty on the seventh -day. - -And the poor dogs did as they were bid. And on the seventh day all -gathered to the lifting up of the Bell. And when it was lifted up, the -fleas, being very strong and vigorous, did most of the shouting, but -the dogs, being very weak for lack of food, did shout very poorly. -Nevertheless, the Great Daily Press shut all its eyes, and proclaimed -abroad that the shout for Liberty that day was the Great United Shout of -One Great United Nation of free, prosperous and happy dogs. - -Then said the Bamboozling Committee unto the Great Daily Press, “Oh, -thou Great Gee Whizz, on what sacred high place shall we hang this -Sacred Vibrator, that its voice may be heard around the world?” - -And the Great Gee Whizz answered and said, “The Eternal Fitnesses -require that everything that can emblematize our glorious liberties -be gathered around this central emblem. Therefore, let Liberty Earth -be gathered, and a Liberty Tree be planted therein, to the baptism of -Liberty Holy Water, and let the fairest limb thereof be selected as a -Liberty Limb, and thereon hang the Liberty Bell, facing the Liberty -Goddess, and from the top of the tree let the sacredest emblem of -all—the Flag of Liberty—proudly and defiantly float, that Liberty may -be complete and perfect.” - -And the Bamboozling Committee said the conception was that of a master -mind, and should be done. And they sent some very learned and paunchy -fleas to a place where, according to tradition, several fighting dogs, -eminent in the battle against the Kyhidom dogs, had lain down and -scratched themselves and slept the night before, and which had smelt -extraordinarily strong of patriotic dog for a long time after. There -was also a spot where the great leader in that fight, having got a fly -up his nose, had stood and sneezed tremendously; and the spot where -his fore feet had stood during his convulsion had been marked with -remembrance sticks from that day. - -These spots, they said, were, therefore, Holy Ground; and they ordered -several poor dogs, that had been specially fumigated and cleansed -and consecrated for the occasion, to take Consecrated Shovels, and -reverently and, to the accompaniment of solemn chanting by several -solemn salaried barkers, dig up some of that Sacred Dirt and put -it reverently in Consecrated Pots and Tins and carry it in solemn -procession to the Sacred Spot, where the Liberty Tree was to be planted. - -And they solemnly dumped it there, and the Holy-Dirt-touched Pots and -Shovels were afterwards put away on a Consecrated Shelf in the Church of -the Fleas. And it was so that in after days, many came to worship the -Blessed Pots and Tins and Shovels that had been touched by the Liberty -Earth on which the ancient dogs had lain and scratched and sneezed; and -whosoever looked at them was made Free, and received power to make -others Free; and whosoever touched them was made whole of any disease he -had, and received power to heal anyone else. - -[Illustration] - -Then the Bamboozling Committee sent another paunch-bellied and learned -lot of fleas, to where was a tree, against which certain big dogs that -had distinguished themselves in the said battle against the Kyhidom -dogs, had rubbed themselves vigorously when they had the itch. Here, -said they, was a tree whose bark had actually been rubbed by, and -afforded relief to, those noble dogs whose teeth and claws had torn out -the eyes and bowels of their enemies, and stopped the exactions of the -foreign fleas of Kyhidom, and had established that glorious Liberty by -which the interests of the native suckers of Canisville had been so -gloriously compacted and built up. This, then, was the Tree of Liberty, -on which the Blessed Bell of Liberty should hang. - -And it was so. And they made the specially fumigated, consecrated dogs -transplant it into the Liberty Earth. And on the day of the Solemn -Hanging, The Holy Tintinnabulator was escorted with shouts of joy, and -to the vociferous chanting of a magnificent Jubilate Deo, and set up on -the Liberty Limb of the Liberty Tree. - -And there was a great noise made with the blow, bang and thump -instruments; and the dogs wept with a thankful joy for all the wondrous -liberties which these things demonstrated unto them; and the salaried -barkers went amongst them and gathered up their joyful tears, and poured -them at the sacred roots of the Sacred Tree, and said a sacred grace -over the pouring; and the fleas gathered around and snivelled with them, -and made a right beautiful talk about “_Our_ Common Liberties,” “_Our_ -National Glory,” “_Our_ United Interests,” “_Our_ Great Wealth,” and -_our_ everything else; and then the great Flag of the Free was run up on -high, and a herald came forth and blew a trumpet, and proclaimed that if -any dog knew of any just cause or impediment why all this gallant show -and emblemism should not be considered proof irrefragable that they were -the fairest, fattest, and freest lot of dogs and fleas that ever God -Almighty’s sun shone on, or ever would shine on, he should now declare -the same, or forever hold his peace; but, nevertheless, if any such -measly and discreditable dog dare get up and deny it, he would instantly -be strung up to the highest gallows as a traitor. - -So no one accepting the challenge, the ceremonies proceeded and Chancy -Mountebank Dephool Flea—with a solemn wink to the other Bamboozlers, -who solemnly winked back to him—in the name of E Pluribus Unum, and -countless thousands of free, united, fat, prosperous and happy dogs, -pulled the mighty tongue of the Bell; and as the mighty tone of the -hammered metal rose upon the trembling air, and went up in a majestic -volume to Heaven, all the Bamboozlers and the Monstrous Fleas closed -their eyes and turned their noses heavenward, and wept great copious -tears of gratitude and joy; all the salaried barkers closed _their_ eyes -and turned _their_ noses to heaven and wept likewise, and all the dogs -prostrated themselves and wept with joy until all the earth around was -wet. At which moment of solemn joy a Heavenly Voice from under the Bell -pealed forth: - - It rings—the mighty Bell of God, - It thrills the heart beneath the sod, - And spirits of our patriot sires - Kindle again the sacred fires. - Hallelujah! - - It rings—and angels from the heights, - Salute the Flag of Canine rights; - The Seraphs rush on radiant wing, - With all the cherubs with us to sing - Hallelujah! - - It rings—and all the stars stand still - Entranced, t’ enjoy the rapturous thrill, - And swear it is, upon their word, - The grandest sound they ever heard. - Hallelujah! - - It rings—and from its tongue of flame - It writes upon the sky a name— - The name of Freedom; kneel, Oh earth; - God struck the hour that gave it birth. - Hallelujah! Hallelujah! - -The pealing of this hymn held all the dogs entranced, and as the last -beautiful note died away, they all wept, and said it was lovely poetry; -too lovely for anything; especially where the life-knell of the Bell -thrills the hearts of the dead dogs under the sod; and the Bell with its -long and facile flaming tongue writes names on the sky. - -Then President Dephool Flea, after waiting a few rapturous moments to -let the beautiful words soak into their souls, announced that “_our_” -liberties having now been duly established, and acknowledged of Heaven, -the Blessed Bell was now open for every one to hammer his gratitude to -God on, and that each would take a turn in order. - -Which they did. All the fat, eminent and Monstrous Fleas gathered in -single file, and passed before the Bell and hammered it, giving one blow -for himself, and thirteen times and forty-four times and six times, on -behalf of the all-glorious liberties, wealth, prosperity and happiness -of the dogs. And everybody was delighted, especially the big fleas, who -said it was the very best amusement they had ever had in their lives; -and they begged the Bamboozling Committee to keep it up, for, far beyond -all considerations of the amusement of it, it was the bulliest piece of -dust throwing ever yet devised for blinding those d—— fool dogs. - -So the Bamboozling Committee and the Great Many Headed Gee Whizz, put -their wits together again; and the ever fertile Daily said that, as he -had foretold, the Bell racket and show had pleased the dogs immensely, -the Committee should go on giving them emblems to look at and noise -to make. “But,” said he, “let us give them a chance to make the noise -themselves. Ye and the other fleas have had all the hammering so far; -let them do it now. I propose we get them to make an emblematic Rope, a -long Rope, a strong Rope, and a Rope they can pull the old Bell clapper -all together with. - -“Set them to make a Rope that shall be emblematic of their common -wealth, their common caninity, their common Liberty, their common dirt, -their common itch, their common hunger—their common everything. Let -each one strip a few hairs off his hide and his tail, and bring them as -an offering to Liberty, and let all those hairy contributions be spun -into a great Liberty Rope. Then one end thereof shall be attached to the -great clapper, and as many of the dogs as can shall get hold and pull; -and it shall be pull and bang, and bang and pull, and pull and bang, -until the poor imbeciles will go mad and crazy with the delightful -racket; and the noise shall fill their bellies—which, you know, is the -cheapest kind of victuals.” - -“Hurrah for the Great Gee Whizz!” cried the Bamboozlers, “Liberty Noise -and Liberty Ropes are cheaper than Liberty.” - -And, as before, The Great Daily Press, with awful solemnity, publicly -announced that the dogs were agoing to have more emblems to celebrate -their glorious liberties and privileges with. - -And when the dogs heard the great emblematic Liberty Rope proposition, -they wagged their tails and howled deliriously for joy, and went -lachrymoniously drivelling to each other that Canisville was indeed the -place where Freedom dwelt, and that no other dogs on the face of the -earth had a Liberty Bell, Liberty Poetry and a Liberty Rope; no indeed. - -And the dogs hasted and each stripped some hair off his tail and hide, -and sent it to the Bamboozling Committee, who, in the privacy of their -meeting place, had it spun, to the accompaniment of many a wink and many -a hilarious laugh over the silly idiots that were so easily—oh, so very -easily—buncoed and bamboozled out of Liberty, by Liberty emblems and -shams. - -And when the great common Rope was ready, they ordained another day of -howling thanksgiving, and self laudation, and self glorification, and a -solemn moment of attachment of the end thereof to the glorious Banger -of the glorious Bell, and a solemn consecration and dedication of the -Rope, and another grand hymn, which called all the angels from their -most pressing engagements to crowd Heaven’s battlements, in admiration -of their magnificently idiotic jubilation. - -And the dogs were tickled to death with their Rope, and took turns of -gangs at pulling it; and the eternal banging and clanging and jangling -of the hammered metal was so delightful that they forgot their hunger -even; and they danced around the Bell, _and kissed it_, and touched -it reverently with their noses, and blessed God for Liberty, Liberty, -Liberty. - -And at the suggestion of the Great Gee Whizz, the Bamboozling Committee -made a multitude of little tinkling bells, verisimilitudes of the Great -Bell, and touched each one on the Great Bell, and it was so that virtue -went out of the Great Bell and made a true Liberty Tinkler of the little -one. - -And the Committee ordained that each truly patriotic dog hang a Liberty -Tinkler on the end of his nose, one in each of his ears, and a row of -them on his tail, to the end that all the world and everybody else might -hear the noise of Liberty, and that every dog, at every movement of his -body and wag of his tail, might be a living, eternal Proclamation of -Liberty throughout the land. - -And it was so. And the dogs were delighted and hung little Liberty -Tinklers upon themselves as ordered; and all Canisville rang with -Liberty. - -But in a short time the fat fleas, and the eminent fleas, and the -Monstrous Fleas, seeing that the Blessed Bell and the Liberty ceremonies -had quite served their purpose, and the poor fool dogs had been -hypnotized into a very satisfactory state of forgetfulness of their -wrongs and miseries, told the Bamboozling Committee that they might now -with safety conclude the amusement and close up the show, as it was -somewhat expensive. - -So the Bamboozling Committee, ordering one grand final hammering, that -made the startled angels jump, and a grand final yell for Liberty, which -made the air tremble for a week after, and a benediction in chorus by -all the salaried barkers, that sounded like the last tapering-off roll -of distant thunder, declared the greatest and grandest show of the ages -closed. - - - - -CHAPTER XXXVIII. - - THE TIMES OUT OF JOINT.—THE POLICE DOGS GROWL AND - THREATEN REVOLT.—THE SALARIED BARKERS AWAKE AND GET UP - A “REVIVAL.”—GREAT CONFERENCE OF ALL THE GREAT LIGHTS - OF PIETYDOM.—A LONG PULL AND A STRONG PULL, AND A PULL - ALTOGETHER, FOR THE SALVATION OF THE DOGS, RESOLVED ON. - - -THE bamboozle of the Bell of Liberty had been a grand success while it -lasted. As a dream, a stimulating mental narcotism, a beautiful period -of sweet oblivion, into which the hard and cruel facts of the dogs’ -daily lives had been thrown and temporarily buried, it was very restful -and enjoyable to them. But starvation, disease and universal tyranny, -though buried, were not decreed out of being; and scarcely had the last -tones of sweet Liberty’s Bell died out and the show closed, ere those -horrid realities began to creep and sneak from their graves and smite -the yet dazed and dreaming dogs. With skeleton hands they smote them on -the head and in the stomach, and with mercilessly cruel fingers poked -open their hypnotized eyes, and with fiendish laughter mocked them, -and bade them look and see that in spite of Liberty Shows of every -sort, the times were somehow out of joint. Times were indeed bad. Gaunt -Famine, gaunter than ever, stalked through the land, smiting down her -victims more pitilessly than ever, as though in jealous revenge for the -attentions they had lately lavished on her rival, Liberty. Of course the -dogs did the starving—most of it; but as the dogs were the source of -the fleas’ existence, why, even many of _them_ fell sick of hunger and -dwindled away and died. Even the police dogs, for whom Pup McPoodle and -all the Monstrous Fleas made extra special strenuous efforts to keep in -good flesh, seeing that their zeal for Order depended entirely on that, -did suffer somewhat from the stringency. They did not always get their -basketfuls punctually, and were several times delayed in their dining, -and they began to grumble and complain that if this kind of outrage on -their sacred carcases were not soon stopped, they would get up a riot on -their own hook and club somebody, for they had never been used to being -hungry, and by the great Holy Locust, they were not going to be, either, -without knowing the reason why. - -Irreligion, Vice, Crime and Immorality stalked abroad, and gave the -multitudinous compulsory-virtue societies a tremendous rush of business, -insomuch that they had to work overtime. But an evil of far more -portentousness and gravity than all these combined ensued: the salaried -barkers in the churches had their basketfuls diminished; their churches -were sometimes empty and were never full. - -Therefore, as the salaried barkers had, through long experience, come to -observe that a famine was nearly always accompanied by what they called -a “great outpouring of the spirit,” and the setting in of a great -“revival,” and as a “revival” meant fuller churches, and consequently a -revival of the supplies of meat, they determined to hump themselves with -great energy, and bring about the revival that, according to the famine, -was now about due. So they called a conference of all the fat fleas, the -eminent fleas, and the most pious of the Monstrous Fleas, and the -barking dogs, not only of Canisville, but of the country roundabout, to -devise newer and better schemes for what they called “reaching the -masses,”—or “them asses” as one totally depraved dog profanely -remarked. - -And it was a great time. For weeks all the lady fleas, and all other -fleas who were in “sympathy” with the dogs, and had their “welfare” at -heart, were busy every day in getting a place ready for the reception of -the conference. It was fitted up “regardless of expense,” and decorated -especially with costly flowers, and mottoed banners, and choice texts of -“Holy Scripture,” exquisitely wrought in gold and silver, on expensive -silks. The air was heavy with perfumes of the rarest sorts; the walls -were resplendent with mirrors and pictures, loaned by the wealthiest -suckers; and everything that could be done _was_ done to minister to the -“solemnity” of the occasion, and to the comfort of the most eminent and -fat-salaried barkers—the D. D.’s, L.L. D.’s, B. A.’s, M. A.’s, -Reverends, Very Reverends, Much Reverends, Right Reverends, Wrong -Reverends, Right Reverend Fathers in God, His Grace, His Eminence, His -Sacredness, His Holiness, who had been invited from far and near, to -assist Heaven in bringing about the “revival.” And a great and shining -galaxy of fat and Monstrous Fleas, with “Professor,” “Honorable,” “Right -Honorable,” “His Nibs,” “His Nobs,” “His Jags,” “His Jiblets,” “His -Joblots,” to their names were there also. Oh, they were a highly select -and respectable and well-conditioned body of fleas and barkers that met -together that day to devise the ways and means of making poor dogs -happy. - -Now it was remarked that to this great conference of the pious fleas and -their salaried barkers to devise the salvation of dogs _not a solitary -poor working dog was invited_, and no one even called to ask the opinion -of any dog on the subject; but all the eminent and pious fleas there -proceeded to make speeches, which were duly taken down and recorded in -the book of the chronicles of the world’s eminent saints, who have spent -their lives trying to lift up the poor, while riding on their backs. - -And Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite, who had had a good breakfast and -was more than usually full of divine zeal, said they were grieved -beyond expression to find that, in spite of the efforts that had been -expended for the benefit of poor dogs, their poverty, discontent and -irreligion were on the increase. But not this alone; for lately it had -come to their knowledge that far more alarming symptoms had broken out. -In several quarters, it was rumored, there had appeared several strange -dogs of uncouth visage and long hair, who had evidently determined to -poison the minds of the whole community of dogs. - -These abominable new comers—who they hoped for the honor of Canisville -were from some foreign country—had spoken evil of religion, saying it -was only a crafty dodge of the fleas to deceive dogs with and to hide -from them the fact that _the only thing that was amiss with dogs was_ -FLEAS. And these same foreign dogs had even gone so far as to call fleas -SUCKERS and other wicked epithets, and to tell the dogs that until -they got rid of the fleas they would never get rid of their miseries. -Now, brethren, here a real peril menaced them; here, brethren, were -the hateful devils of Singletaxism, Anarchism, Communism, Socialism, -Populism, Nationalism, and many other blasphemous anti-flea isms, -shoving their noses in our midst, and God only knew what the end of -it was to be. Here were certain lewd dogs of the baser sort—idle, -good-for-nothing agitators, no doubt, who lived on their more simple, -honest and law abiding fellow-dogs—going about preaching the pestilent -doctrines of social discontent, and free thought, and equal rights, -and setting class against class—yes, brethren, _setting class against -class_; only think of it!—and was nothing to be done? Were they to -sit there supinely looking on while those vile foreign agitators were -undermining the very foundations of Religion and Social Order? Why, -it might actually come to pass, if some energetic measures were not -immediately undertaken, that the whole race of dogs would grow to hate -the race of fleas, and even try to exterminate them as they once did in -Frankoland, which would result in putting back the cause of Religion a -hundred years, as it had done there. Oh, brethren, it was time to be -up and doing. Oh, brethren, scepticism and infidelity were taking hold -of dogs nowadays. Oh, brethren, could we not revive the laws against -blasphemy, and the use of the Blue Thunderbolts with which to _protect -the Almighty_? Had we no jails and gallows to protect us and keep these -dogs in the paths of true religion? Oh, brethren, only a few days ago, -as one of our most fat and pious pew holders was on his way to church, -he was insulted by some dogs who, no doubt, had imbibed the pestilent -heresies now being preached. They barked out at him: “There goes a -sucker. That’s the son-of-a-gun what keeps us thin and poor;” and made -other insolent and ungrammatical remarks, and one vile fellow slyly -threw a gob of mud that hit him on the paunch. Oh, brethren, it needed -great grace and entire sanctification for our brother to bear it. And no -doubt, brethren, something was urgently needed to reach the masses. - -[Illustration] - -Then the conference adjourned for recess and luncheon, which consisted -of every sort of costly viands, served on costly plate; of rare and -costly fruits, and wines of exquisite “bouquet,” all set out amid a -display of the very rarest exotics, that cost exceeding much wealth, and -to the accompaniment of an orchestra of very talented minstrels. - -This over, and “thanks” having been rendered by His Grace, the -Serene and Excessively Distinguished Archiepiscopus of the Diocese -of Puliciania, who had travelled a thousand miles “to be present on -this auspicious occasion,” the session was reopened with prayer by the -Veriest Reverend Father in God, Sanguineous F. Plumpdog. - -Now, His Grace, the Serene and Excessively Distinguished Archiepiscopus -of the Diocese of Puliciania, was a very large, fat and wheezy dog who -could hardly see out of his eyes for fatness. He had lived amongst, and -ministered to a churchful of big fat fleas so long that he had come to -regard himself as one of them, and always said “we” and “us” and “our.” -So did all the rest of these wonderfully sleek and plump barkers; and so -acceptable were these barkers to their various congregations of fat and -Monstrous Fleas and so uniformly did they never preach any other than an -“acceptable” gospel to them, that the fleas were pleased to regard them -as of their caste. - -The first speaker was the Most Reverend, Asthmatic and Holy Archdeacon, -Suckerius P. Paunchiana Fatdog, F. L. U. N. K. E. Y., H. U. M. B. U. G., -who made a few remarks thus: “Ladies and Gentlefleas—It seems to me -that we, to whom has been committed, _by the wisdom of Almighty God_, -the keeping of great wealth, ought first to guard against the danger -of forgetting that we owe something to the poor dogs whom God, _in His -wisdom has put in a position beneath us_. We ought never to forget -that it is to us that God looks, _as his chosen instruments_, for the -uplifting of the dogs. Why there are dogs and why there are fleas is -one of those inscrutable mysteries that we ought not to pry into, but -reverently accept. For my part, I reverently accept it, and I pray -that I may ever be kept reverent. Certain it is, however, that if ever -the dogs are to be made fat and happy, and uplifted to those things -of the soul and Heaven, we fleas will have to do it. God always works -through means, _and we are the means_. He has ordained the wealthy to -minister to the poor, the strong to bear with the weak, the wise to lead -the foolish, the enlightened to illumine the dark; we are the wealthy, -the strong, the wise, and the enlightened, and woe to us if we shirk -the duty thus laid upon us. Brethren, the one thing we are most apt to -forget is THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST. He came _down_ from his high estate to -uplift the fallen, and it is this going down, _going down_, GOING DOWN, -brethren, to those below us, that is going to save them. - -“Let us then carry out this Spirit, and go _down_ to these poor -creatures. Let us walk amongst them; let us show ourselves to them; -let us put on poor raiment and ask them how they do; let us teach them -scientific economy in eating; let us with our own paws show them how one -bone can be made to yield a good dinner for a large family and leave -something over for the morrow; let us teach them how to accept in a -proper spirit the cast-off garments of the “charitable,” and to seek to -be clothed with the “garments of righteousness”; let us invite them to -confide to us their trials and troubles; let us take a genuine interest -in them, and get into their affections, and teach them toil, and thrift, -and temperance, and so, by easy and natural methods—such as wrapping up -pennies and candies in tracts and leaflets—gradually train their minds -to those higher and eternal things and treasures in heaven where neither -moth nor rust break through and steal.” - -And all the audience broke out into a storm of applause; and everybody -said that was a most glorious gospel, the Gospel of GOING DOWN. And -everybody looked anxious to get up and go down then and there. And -an enthusiastic Monstrous Flea moved, and another enthusiastic one -seconded, that “We do, here and now, all of us, form ourselves into an -Association to be known as the ‘Going Down Organization Society,’” which -was carried with immense enthusiasm. - -[Illustration] - - - - -CHAPTER XXXIX. - - THE MUCH TITLED ARCHBISHOP PLETHORIC DOG SHOWS THE - INFALLIBLE WAY OF GOING DOWN TO THE DOGS AND LIFTING - THEM UP TO CHURCH.—MUSIC AND PICTURES.—NOT SO STOMACH - FILLING AS VICTUALS, BUT VERY DISCONTENT-DIVERTING. - - -AFTER a short interval, to enable the assembly to recover from the -stunning effect of the great Gospel of Going Down, there stepped forward -His Grace, the Veriest, Mostest, Reverendest Archbishop Plethoric Dog, -L.I.C.K.F.O.O.T. £. s. d., $$$$$$, of the diocese of Upper Suckerdom -and all Flunkeydom. He said: “Brethren, the called and chosen, the -divinely-appointed almoners of Heaven’s bounty, I congratulate my most -Reverend, Asthmatic and Holy Brother, Archdeacon Suckerius P. Paunchiana -Fatdog, upon the very able manner in which he has presented before you -the Gospel of Going Down, and you on the happiness and good fortune of -listening to him. I can only support my brother by pointing out how we -can _apply_ his Going Down Gospel. It has struck me that we can make use -of many means which may be sanctified to their good. - -“My brethren, there is the means of _Music_, which may be used to uplift -poor dogs. It is well known that even dogs have a love of _Music_ quite -as strong as the most cultivated of fleas. Why not give these dogs -_Cheap Music_? Let us provide for them bands of music to play in the -public places, say, one day in a week. Who knows what the fiddle and -the bow, the trombone and piccolo, the cornet and oboe, the flute and -violoncello, the cymbals and the banjo, the triangle and the drum, -may accomplish, when handled with consecrated paws, and blown with -sanctified breath? Let us show these degraded dogs that we love them, -that we are blood of their blood, and are anxious to minister to their -love of the beautiful in sight and sound. And, my brethren, we can make -even music serve the cause of the church, and the means of drawing them -to the sanctuary—which, of course, should be the aim and the object -of all our efforts. We need not discourse unto them unsanctified jigs, -and profane waltzes, and blasphemous schottisches, by which Satan -beguiles the ungodly. No, no! There is a great multitude of beautiful -pieces of music that have an upward and churchward tendency, that may -be discoursed unto them, such as, ‘I am so happy I’m going to heaven’; -‘I desire to be an angel’; ‘My home is not here, it is over there’; ‘I -am looking above to the heaven of love’; ‘There is a happy land, _far_, -FAR away’; and many others; and all these have a very good tendency to -keep the minds of dogs fixed on things above and away from their sordid -poverty and wicked trifling with the vain nonsense of trying to make -this poor sin-stricken world any better. - -“Oh, brethren, there is nothing more entrancing, more uplifting, more -heartmelting, than to hear ‘Go bury thy troubles’ piously rendered by -the cornet, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of music. -I have seen dogs melted to tears under it; and I make no doubt that -many souls will be drawn to Church by it; and above all, in the present -alarming state of dog-scepticism, it will have a good effect in drawing -away their minds from the discussion of what they wickedly call their -‘wrongs.’ - -“Then there is the love of art that may be appealed to. Dogs love to -look at beautiful pictures. Why not open a picture gallery free for -them all to come and gaze their fill? Of course, God, in his wisdom, has -given _us_, alone, the power to buy pictures, but he did not intend us -to be hoggish with them; He no doubt intended that we should share these -our gifts with our inferior fellow creatures. Did not our great Master -teach us to share our gifts with them? Yea, verily; and just as He, by -coming down and imparting his gifts to _us_, has uplifted _us_, and made -_us_ to sit in heavenly places, so we by the same conduct can uplift -those who, by natural and divine ordination, are very wisely placed -beneath us. Of course, we cannot hope ever to abolish their poverty, -and put them on to our plane; for it is evident that the Almighty, -in his wisdom, made dogs to be inferior, just as he made fleas to be -superior. And it is just as evident that he ordained dogs to support -fleas, in return for the inestimable benefits, both moral and spiritual, -that fleas confer on dogs. Ye can easily see, my brethren, that fleas -are absolutely necessary to the well being of dogs. Fancy a community -of dogs without fleas! Who would lead them? Who would watch for their -souls’ welfare? Who would ameliorate their condition of want and -ignorance? Who would have the leisure to go about amongst them, visiting -them in their kennels, soothing their sorrows, binding up their sore -places, calming their discontent with their divinely appointed lot, and -pointing them to a Better Land, when they kick the bucket? - -[Illustration] - -“Brethren, what I meant to say before I digressed, is, that as one means -of grace—a very great means of very great grace—I rank sanctified -pictures and sanctified song very high. Yes, brethren, let us open a -picture gallery, FREE as salvation, ‘without money and without price,’ -open every day and evening in the year, except Sundays and during -Lent, and the Saints’ days, and solemn feasts and solemn fasts, and -Thanksgiving and holidays and other solemn occasions, when infinitely -higher matters—matters of eternal interest—than mere music and -pictures, should engage the attention of dogs. Bearing in mind that -pictures should be an aid to religion—not a substitute—let us put -some of our best pictures on loan; nice soul-uplifting, truly sanctified -pictures, such as ‘Little Samuel’s Waking,’ ‘Daniel in the Lion’s -Den,’ ‘the Prodigal’s Return,’ etc., etc. Such pictures as these fill -the mind with pure and holy thoughts, and when properly administered -will, without interfering with their more imperative duty of attending -church, do them a great amount of good. Of course I do not mean that -we should throw open these our precious treasures of art without -restriction, to the gaze and handling of the whole breed of dogs without -distinction. Oh, no, the dogs must be made to recognize that these are -_our pictures_, and that their owners have rights to be protected. We -must duly impress upon these dogs’ minds that ‘_It is of grace, not of -debt_’ that they look upon them. We must impress upon them that we, -the fleas, so loved the world of dogs that we gave the loan of our art -treasures, that whosoever would might look upon them, and be a better -and more contented dog. Well, not exactly ‘whosoever’; it stands to -sense that we must exclude all dirty dogs, for some of _us_ will be -there sometimes; and we must exclude dogs with sore eyes and bad breath, -as we should not like any of our refined lady visitors to be offended by -such unwholesomenesses; and it will certainly not do to let in profane -and vulgar dogs, as bad manners corrupt the pious dogs. And as for those -dogs who have been known to express subversive sentiments—sentiments -inimical to fleas—that would lead to the overthrow of the present -divinely appointed order of things, why, they must not be admitted at -any price or on any pretense. All others should be allowed, if properly -provided with an admission ticket and vouched for by two respectable -members of flea society. With these trifling but judicious exceptions -and restrictions, I think pictures may, under the divine blessing, be -made an incalculably blessed means to the uplifting of poor, sinful and -fallen caninity.” - -This big bug of a barker sat down amid thunders of applause. And the -President, rising, advanced to the front of the platform, and when -the applause had abated, said, in a voice of emotion: “Friends, Heaven -does, indeed, bless us, for as I stand here I see that one whom we all -love and revere has just entered the doorway. [Here the whole assembly -turned to see who it was, and broke again into rapturous vociferation on -beholding enter the very Honorable and Holy One a Maker of long prayers -and short wages]. We have with us _our beloved John_, rich, pious, -patriotic, humble, holy, and altogether lovely, and I shall have the -exalted pleasure of asking him to address us now.” - - - - -CHAPTER XL. - - THE HOLY ONE A MAKER OF LONG PRAYERS AND SHORT WAGES - DISCOURSES ON THE BLESSEDNESS OF CHARITY TO POOR DOGS, - AND SHOWS HOW IT INCIDENTALLY PAYS THE BLOOD-SUCKERS WHO - DISPENSE IT.—LADY VANDERBILLION FLEA SUGGESTS A CHARITY - BALL. - - -THE Honorable and Holy One a Maker was in especially good fettle to-day. -To his usual rotundity of paunch and rubicundity and sleekness of -visage, the warmth of his complimentary-adjectived reception had added -a glow of self-complacency, which gave his countenance the shine and -sheen of transfiguration. Having dined well of this earth’s bounties, -and afterwards in silent communion quaffed deep quaffs of the “Wine of -Holiness” of the oldest and rarest vintage, he was overflowingly full of -beaming sanctimoniousness and charity, and his seventh-day eye was more -highly enlarged and heavenward-lifted than usual; insomuch that all the -lady fleas were enraptured, and said he was an angel, and too beautiful -for anything, bless him. - -In accents low and mellifluously cadent, he said: “Dear friends: It -would ill become me to attempt to emulate the magnificent eloquence of -the reverend barkers who have addressed you. Unseen of you, I have heard -their addresses, and I trust I may be pardoned if I try to supplement -their suggestions by the suggestion that in our magnificent efforts -for the spiritual bettering of the canine race, we forget not their -corporeal needs. - -“Oh, my friends, I mingle with dogs more, perhaps, than any of ye, and -my heart is torn and bleeds for their poverty and sorrow and suffering, -and I would suggest that we, who have the means, do something for their -corporeal wants. My suggestion is that we do something larger in Charity -for them. - -“Oh, my friends, think of the great gifts Heaven has given to us, and -then think of the return we owe to Heaven for the profitable use of -them. As I tell the poor dogs in my blood suckery and in my Sunday -snivelling prayery, we ought to do all we do to the glory of God; for, -God, _He counts all our actions_. - -“Now, my friends, I tell you Charity is the finest investment ye can -go in for. It yields the largest dividends. Not only do we please God -by it, and so secure mansions and harps and crowns above, which will -come in very handy, when we can make no more out of this world, but by -giving much in Charity to these dogs, we win their affection and their -veneration, and by soothing their stomachs a little, we soothe their -restlessness and their inclinations to sedition, and so preserve them in -a meek, pious and subservient frame of mind which is conducive to low -wages. Thus you see, my friends, a large Charity fund is putting wealth -_where it will do the most good_.” - -Great applause greeted this suggestion of the Honorable One a Maker of -long prayers and short wages, as he resumed his seat. - -Then there arose, with great diffidence, a very elegant lady flea. She -was the consort of one of the Monstrous Fleas, Lady Vanderbillion Flea -by name, and with much modesty spake thus: - -“Most honorable assembly of fleas: the suggestion of the very Holy One -a Maker of long prayers, touched my heart. The word Charity is the -most holy and tender one in all our language. It is a grace peculiarly -feminine, and it has been reserved by God to lady fleas, as their -highest prerogative, to give it its proper expression, and I would -modestly suggest that all the lady fleas here present give shape and -form to the Charity which our dear brother has, in the fullness of his -heart, recommended. - -“I have an idea; I believe it is an inspiration from God: Why not get up -a Charity Ball of the Fleas for the dogs’ benefit? - -“Now, we all have one great gift; we are all _great on the hop_, both -male and female. Then why not sanctify this gift by arraying ourselves -in our very best, and, putting on our bravest and most gorgeous panoply -of gold and silver, and our most resplendent gems, to the sound of the -psaltery, cornet, harp, sackbut, dulcimer and all kinds of music, make -a grand hop, and let the proceeds thereof go for the founding of a -hospital for the care of broken-down dogs?” - -Here the speaker was interrupted by applause from all the lady fleas, -and tumultuous ejaculations of “Good, good,” “Splendid,” “Oh, wouldn’t -that be just lovely!” “Oh, oh, a grand dressing and hop for Charity.” - -But the Honorable One a Maker arose and said it was perhaps a very good -suggestion; but as dancing was to him not the highest form of piety, -and as he always made it a practice never to keep any but the very best -quality of goods in his stock of piety, he would have to decline to be a -contributing party to the matter, but if the ladies present thought that -the Ball could be so managed as to be unobjectionable from a religious -point of view, and to advertise _his_ name abroad to the world, he would -esteem it a favor. - -Lady Vanderbillion Flea, resuming, said: “I am proud to see my humble -suggestion so well received. Oh, my dear fellow godly ones, ye know that -we dearly love to hop; we dearly love to bedeck ourselves in gorgeous -ornaments, and we dearly love to be seen one of another in all our -glory; and I suggest that all this love of legitimate display, this -beautiful amusement of ours, which has hitherto been only a pastime, be -for the future put to some holy use and profit. - -“Let us bring our whole selves and our amusements as a precious gift, -and lay it as a sacrifice on the altar. Let us sanctify ourselves wholly -in the sight of Heaven. Let us prayerfully and with a contrite heart put -upon us our most costly and resplendent raiment. Let us, with reverence -and all humility, and in the fear of God, fetch out our bushels of -diamonds and rubies and pearls and corals and sapphires and amethysts -and topazes and chalcedonies; our leagues of golden chains, and piles -of bracelets, wristlets, anklets, tiaras and coronets, and in our -most gorgeous equipages, attended by our troops of lackeys, flunkeys, -lickspittles and slaves, repair to some magnificent and brilliantly -appointed hall, and there let us hop with a holy hop unto the glory -of God and the honor of Charity, pure and holy, meek and lowly, chief -of all the graces three. Thus, my friends, shall we combine our own -enjoyment and the benefit of the poor dogs. And the Great Gee Whizz, the -Many Headed Daily Press, will be there, and will write it all down to -tell it all abroad for the amusement and edification of the dogs; and -next morning our left hands shall know all that our right hands have -done, and the whole world shall know how we ‘Danced for Sweet Charity,’ -and how the ladies looked and what each one wore, and all about it. - -“Oh, my friends, how sweet is the contemplation of the blessedness of -helping God’s poor, of doing good, and in our humble way, helping to -bring in the Kingdom of God. But, above all, we shall have the blissful -assurance in our hearts that we are pleasing God; for we have the word -of Scripture for it that they who give to the poor lend to the Lord; and -the Lord is in great need of loans just now. And think what a comfort it -will be in our dying hour, that for one poor night’s sacrifice for His -poor, we shall have an eternity of reward. - -“Of course there will be no dogs admitted, for the admission fee to see -us hop will be so high that none but the rich will be able to afford -it; but as the proceeds are to go to the dogs, this will be a blessing -rather than otherwise. And of course, too, to admit a lot of unkempt, -musty and ill-smelling dogs would mar the harmonies of the picture; -would not consort with the brilliance and beauty of our paraphernalia, -and would offend the delicate sensibilities of our sister saints. They -would assuredly keep away the very rich and æsthetic elite, whom we wish -to come to see us hop. In fact, deeply and intensely as I love the poor, -_in their proper sphere_, I should not care to come myself. - -“This, my friends, is my suggestion; and I think that with charity balls -and picture galleries, and free music, and free gospel, the problem -of canine discontent and infidelity and poverty will be pretty nearly -solved. And I think too, that if the dogs are not thankful for all -this great provision that we have made for their temporal and eternal -welfare, they are a most ungrateful set.” - -And Lady Vanderbillion Flea sat down amid renewed applause. - - - - -CHAPTER XLI. - - A MESSENGER OF EVIL TIDINGS.—THE CONFERENCE - ALARMED.—THE OLD DISEASE REVIVED.—THE CONFERENCE - IN CONFUSION.—MUTUAL RECRIMINATIONS.—INVADED BY - UNWELCOME DOGS.—THE BIG DOG’S FEARFUL INDICTMENT OF THE - FLEAS.—TELLS HOW THE DOGS CAME TO THEIR SENSES. - - -SCARCELY had the air, agitated with the acclamations following Lady -Vanderbillion Flea’s happy suggestion, recovered its tranquillity, when -a large flea was seen to enter by a side door, near the platform, and, -in evident agitation, present a little note to the presiding angel -of the assembly, His Grace, the Serene and Excessively Distinguished -Archiepiscopus of the Diocese of Puliciania, who, as he perused, was -noticed to turn very pale and shake, while all the fleas looked on with -nervous apprehension. He had scarcely finished, when he beckoned to some -of the most eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas to come with him into a -corner, as he had a matter of vital import to speak to them about. - -Whereupon, the assembly of the fleas, always apprehensive of trouble, -could not contain themselves, but cried out to know what was the -matter. So, His Grace, the Serene, etc., etc., in faltering accents -made answer and said: “Alas, Brethren and Sisters, this messenger -hath brought us evil tidings of great grief. He reports that a most -virulent, infectious and contagious epidemic of the thinking disease -has broken out amongst the dogs, infinitely worse than anything -heretofore known; yea, so virulent is it that it seems to defy all the -remedies known to the Bamboozlers’ Pharmacopoeia, which, with God’s -help, were always until now so efficient. So violent and rapid is this -plague, this messenger says, that the victim seems to be taken utterly -without warning. One minute, he is, to all appearances, in the very -best and most satisfactory state of idiocy and drivelling devotion -to Country and Flag, and the next, he is in the throes of the most -dreadful and dangerous sanity. He says the Board of Public Safety, the -Bamboozling Committee and the Great Many Headed Daily Press, have been -hastily summoned, but are gaping at each other in dumb and helpless -bemuddlement; and all the Emdees are in consultation, but are quite -puzzled, for they never knew or heard of such a sudden and widespread -outbreak. He says they say they think it is the recurrence of an old, -and supposed-to-have-been-extinct disease—but which evidently travels -in an elliptical orbit of such immense elongation, that its point of -intersection with the orbit of canine revolution gives the disease about -an every-ten-centuries periodicity of conjunction. - -“He says they say it is a disease that attacks the optic nerve of each -eye simultaneously, and is caused by the abnormal intensification and -æsthetization of the anonymous gastric thingumybob, at its point of -junction with the visual organs, and is primarily due to intense and -prolonged hunger and abuse. This disease is known in common language as -“Eye-opening,” and is regarded as a very fatal malady; not, singular -to say, to the dog attacked, but only to the fleas on him, as he -immediately begins to sever those sacred relations which God has -established between him and his fleas, so that they begin to wither and -perish for lack of nourishment.” - -And at these ominous words, great fear and trembling came upon all the -assembly, and they began to bewail, and to charge that an ungrateful -Providence had gone back on them, in the very hour when they had -gathered to do something to help him in his work of blessing the dogs; -and they grew bitter in denouncing Pup McPoodle as an incompetent and -unfaithful Executive, and the Boards of Public Health and Safety as a -lot of antiquated old duffers, and the Bamboozling Committee as a lot -of noodles, and not half as smart as they were cracked up to be, and -the Great Many Headed Daily Press, as a fraud and a false prophet, and -everybody and everything else, for betraying them. - -[Illustration] - -And when His Grace, the Serene, etc., etc., proposed that they sing a -Hymn of Faith and put their trust in Heaven, they gruffly replied that -Hymns of Faith were utterly inadequate as compensation for the utter -loss of dogs to bleed, and as for putting trust in Heaven, that was all -very well, provided one was on the spot to look after things. And when -Tee de Little Wit Blatherskite arose, and, with idiotically histrionic -gestures, began to vociferate that in vision he saw the Lord as a man of -war, coming with chariots of fire, lightning, thunderbolt and tempest, -to the rescue of His Anointed and the discomfiture of the infidel and -irreligious dogs, they rudely told him he was a bag of windy words, -whose fine God didn’t even deliver _him_ in his hour of need; for when -he fell once, lately, into a hundred-foot debt hole, his fellow dogs had -to fill up seventy-seven hundredths of it, before he could scramble out. - -And at the very height of this confusion, a great commotion occurred -amongst those near the door, and a Big Dog, followed by a whole troop -of dogs, boldly entered. “What impudence!” said some of the highly -perfumed and delicate lady fleas. “What a disagreeable smell of dog,” -said others. The Charity-Ball enthusiasts, at sight of the dirty mob, -fainted dead away; the fattest of the salaried barkers sneaked out by -the side door; while the eminent, wealthy and Monstrous Fleas, to hide -their terror, grew truculent and made a great hubbub and threatening; -but the Big Dog in a voice of thunder, bade them be silent. The -terror-stricken fleas fell flat, and the Big Dog advancing, extended his -huge paw, and thus addressed them: “Listen, most eminent and respectable -representatives of the most eminent and respectable order of pimps, -barnacles and blood-suckers; I and my gang of fellow-sufferers have been -at the door of your convention for some time past, and we have heard all -your elaborate schemes which you have concocted for our welfare. - -[Illustration] - -“About the time you fat, full-blooded and comfortable suckers called -this convention to take into consideration the miserable condition of -us dogs, a number of us dogs had the (to you) sublime impudence to call -a convention to take into consideration _our own_ condition; and we -pride ourselves that we have reached a far broader and more practical -conclusion than your worshipful body has come to. As you well know, -there has been brewing amongst us a very deep discontent with our -condition, and a very decided conviction that we knew exactly what was -the matter with us, and how to mend it. - -“Some of us had fathers who could remember the honored chieftain, Bull -McMastiff, and the good times dogs had then, and they told us that old -Mastiff used daily to say and repeat: “My dear dogs, beware of the -fleas,” and he prophesied that so surely as they abated their hatred of -fleas, they would sink into poverty, meagreness and misery. - -“And so it has been. When Bull McMastiff gave up the ghost, McPoodle, a -bad-for-everything ruler, who, like most other beastly pests and -nuisances, has lived to a most unconscionably great age, relaxed the -stringency of our laws, and allowed the missionaries of the fleas to -settle amongst us, and these missionaries went about amongst us -preaching that McMastiff was an imbecile old fool, who did not know what -was good for dogs; that the fleas were a much maligned and -misrepresented class; that a few fleas—a nice judicious selection—on a -dog, were not only no detriment, but a positive advantage to him; that -they helped his general and particular health; that they purified a -dog’s blood, and enriched it with certain valuable elements, which all -truly healthy dogs need, and that the few drops of blood they took as -dividend, were a mere nothing in comparison to the service they -rendered, that they could assure them that no dog could be said to be -really and truly healthy and complete without at least _some_ fleas upon -him; yea, they went so far as to declare by Heaven and Holy Scripture, -that fleas were _divinely appointed_ to give life and joy and peace to -dogs, and that the race of dogs would die off the face of the earth, if -it were not for them; and they told of very many terrible instances -where whole nations of dogs had utterly perished for want of a few -fleas. - -“And we dogs were idiots enough to believe the pious lies they told us, -and we allowed you to become a part of our community; and, very soon, it -fell out that _ye_ became the real, actual community, and _we_ became -your feeders, your providers, your most humble and obedient servants. -We took you to our bodies and very soon ye made them your own, and, -puffed up with pride, ye came to imagine that ye only were the people, -_ye_ were the republic; _ye_ called yourselves on all occasions, ‘the -country,’ ‘the nation.’ _Ye_ made war and peace, and did everything -and got everything but _the fighting and the paying_. _Ye_ got up -centennials, bi, tri and quadri, of this, that and the other, which -_we_ poor starving dogs were bled to pay for and allowed to look at -from a great distance. And the overgrown suckers of other nations sent -their ‘greetings’ to you; and when they, to vary the monotony of their -centennials and anniversaries of this, that and the other, got up a -grand Jubilee Jamboree to commemorate the fiftieth year of the efforts -of a fat and fuzzy old lady sucker, Queen flea of Kyhidom, and her -prolific brood to bleed _their_ dogs to death, _ye_ sent your greetings -and prayers for God Almighty’s blessings on their efforts; and all this -pious snobbery and robbery and jobbery, ye called ‘_drawing closer the -bonds of international comity_.’ - -[Illustration] - -“But us dogs, whom ye condescendingly permit to pay for all this, and -allow to look at the glory of afar off, whom ye permit to read of the -forty-course banquets ye feast at _in our name_, ye taught that we owed -our very life to you, and that it was our duty to give up our daily -blood to you, and give thanks to Almighty God that He had in boundless -mercy so bountifully blessed us with fleas. And we dogs did so deeply -fall into the idiocy and supineness generated by immemorial usage and -custom, that we came to regard this division of us into masses and -classes, sucked and suckers, robbed and robbers, workers and idlers, -starved and overfed, as of natural order and divine appointment. - -“That is, most of us did. There were a few who refused to wag the -adulatory tail of approval of this system. We ceased not to howl and -bark day and night our discontent. And for this ye called in dogs -of Belial to witness against some of us, saying, they did blaspheme -God and the Law, and then ye carried them forth and stoned them with -stones, or hanged them with ropes till they died. And ye threw mud -at us in the name of the Lord, and went and told the hungriest and -leanest and foolishest dogs amongst us that we were ‘Socialists,’ -‘Seditionists,’ and ‘Anarchists;’ and they, not knowing in their -heart what those words meant, did therefore hound us and mob us and -persecute us for endeavoring to restore to them the liberty they had -lost. Oh, they accused us of disturbing their rest; of trying to make -them discontented; of imperilling their positions with their natural -superiors, the fleas; of trying to subvert the natural order of suckers -and sucked, and of trying to bring on the day of judgment and the -destruction of the universe. Poor fools! - -“But one day, two or three of the hungriest of us wandered away out -of town, and lay down under a tree in a solitary place to think and -weep out the sadness of our hearts; and as we wept and meditated, -behold an Angel appeared unto us and saluted us. And we, shaking with -terror, said, ‘Who art thou?’ and he said, ‘I am Plain Common Sense, -the rarest Angel of all that visit the earth; Heaven hath appointed me -Messenger-in-Particular to the hungriest of the hungry. - -“‘I never visit fleas, and seldom do I come to fat and comfortable dogs. -I am a lonely Angel, and I have a tremendously long beat to patrol, -which I cannot, even if I make haste, complete in less than ten hundred -years; therefore, ye are very lucky in being here just as I was passing. -But whosoever entertaineth me receiveth always a blessing.’ - -“So saying, he drew from a pocket in his toga, a little phial containing -a thin and colorless fluid, and bidding us hold up our faces, he, with -his finger, moistened our eyes with the fluid. Instantly, our eyes -were endowed with a marvellous seeing power, and our brains seemed to -be filled with lightning flashes. ‘See ye any better now?’ said he. -‘Infinitely,’ said we; ‘why, we see what a lot of unspeakable idiots, -and wooden-headed fools we are, not to have seen what a lot of utterly -useless, superfluous and ruinously exhausting fleas we have been -carrying all these years.’ ‘Just so,’ said the Angel. ‘Now, take this -phial, and what hungry dog’s eyes soever ye shall moisten with the -fluid, shall instantly receive power to see through a ladder.’ - -“We thanked him, and implored him to tarry with us and abide and take -something; but he was grieved, and said he was no police dog, and had -several stars to visit before midnight. And he vanished from our sight. - -“So we took the little phial, which was labelled, ‘Dilute Solution of -Plain Common Sense; one drop, applied to the eyes of a very hungry dog, -warranted to make him see through a flea,’ and tried it on every hungry -dog we met; and the result was, as the Angel foretold, that every one -was instantly restored to the most exalted sanity, and saw clear through -the humbug of the whole dirty useless gang of you, your Bamboozling -Committee, your Flags, Statues, and lying Patriotism, your blasphemy of -Liberty, and cant of Freedom, and everything else that there is of you. - -“All these dogs with me have had their eyes touched with the Solution, -and the epidemic, as your fool Bamboozlers and Emdees call it, has run -through three-fourths of Canisville, and the country roundabout. - -“Now, therefore, we have come hither to propose a new _modus vivendi_, -some way of living without _you_; but before we do that we desire to -express to you our gratitude for all the kind things you have done and -have this night proposed to do. - -“We thank you for having sent us the Gospel of Earthly Contentment and -Future Reward. As ye were the first, efficient and only cause of our -discontent, the robbers of all our means of growth, physical comfort -and intelligence, ye owed us something as a set-off; but seeing that ye -offered us only a very far distant and uncertain intangibility of future -recompense—_that ye yourselves had no power to grant_—while what ye -took from us by FRAUD and _mental chloroforming_ was something real, -actual and of present tangible value, we have decided not to accept your -promissory note that is to be redeemed _some indefinite time in next -eternity_. We believe that NOW is the accepted time for those who toil -to get their reward, and that NOW is the accepted time for all idlers -and suckers to starve to death. We believe that it is blasphemy to -neglect the earth that IS for a heaven that MAY BE. - -“We believe that God is the God of JUSTICE and that he has punished us -for doing ourselves _the injustice of being robbed_, and for doing you -the unkindness and injustice of helping you to live in demoralizing -idleness on unearned wealth. - -“Therefore, out of pure love for ourselves, and a consuming _anxiety -for your welfare_, we will take the full reward of our labor NOW, and -turn over to you all the hopes and realities of future reward and glory -which ye make so much of. Ye have taught us the ineffable blessedness -of poverty and trust in God; of empty bellies and the contemplation of -other-world bliss. - -“Therefore, be it enacted, and it is hereby enacted, by us dogs now -restored to our senses, that from the passage of this Act, i.e. NOW, ye -fleas, suckers, robbers and poisoners, shall have all your privileges -as idle drags upon our prosperity taken away from you, and ye shall -henceforth be endowed and crowned with all those sacred and inalienable -rights to starve and die, to sink or swim, which are now the great and -particular endowment of dogs throughout the world. - -“But in lieu thereof, and as a set-off, we make over to you in fee -simple, and to your heirs and assigns forever, all those mansions in the -sky, and the grounds thereto appertaining; all those sweet fields of -Eden and the sweet rest to be found there; all those harps and crowns of -gold, the robes and palms and glories and pleasures forever more, and -all the sweetness and light and satisfaction, etc., etc., etc. These we -give, grant and convey to you in the same disinterested spirit as that -in which you bequeathed them to us. - -“Go, then, in peace, and, rich in all the wealth of _future hope_, may -you be happy. Heretofore, ye have taken our earthly things and pretended -to give us in exchange heavenly things. We will now re-exchange them, -and while ye are enjoying the strange new bliss of _earning_ your -earthly things, so there is nothing to prevent _us_, while enjoying our -earthly rights, from looking forward to the good things of the future.” - -And the fleas, at the pronunciation of this sentence, fell into a -grievous terror, and bewailed the hard fate that had overtaken them; -and said that life without wealth and leisure would be but penal -servitude; and none of them seemed to take any comfort in this Heavenly -Inheritance. Yea, some of them, at this reversal of fortune, went -insane, and many of them saying, that if a “title clear to mansions in -the skies” was all that was left of the wreck of their fortunes, they -might as well be dead, took one tremendous jump and went out and drowned -themselves. - - - - -CHAPTER XLII. - - THE BIG DELIVERER POURS OUT ON THE FLEAS AN AWFUL STREAM - OF SCORCHING TRUTHS, WHICH ARE AS MUCH AN INDICTMENT OF - THE DOGS AS OF THE FLEAS.—THE POLICE DOGS GO IN OUT OF - THE WET.—DESPERATE LAST EFFORT OF THE FLEAS TO REGAIN - THEIR LOST POWER.—END OF THE FLEAS.—ESTABLISHMENT OF - PURE DOGOGRACY UNDER A CLEANED AND PURIFIED FLAG OF THE - TRULY FREE. - - -BUT in spite of the consternation amongst the fleas, the big dog -remorselessly continued: “Furthermore, ye meanest and hatefullest -suckers of blood; _ye enterprising, industrious and pushing_ ABSORBERS -OF THE PRODUCTS OF OTHERS’ INDUSTRY; ye thieves, hear me! Ye have broken -down the natural and just system of society, under which each dog got -the full reward of his own industry. - -“And it was all _our_ fault that ye did it. By the ignorant consent of -the fools amongst us, ye _got on our backs_ and _we_ FOOLS _made it -legal for you to be_ RASCALS and suck our blood. _We_ idiots made it -compulsory on ourselves to carry you, feed you, fatten you, pamper you. -We starved ourselves to make you rotten with overfeeding; and these two -unnatural extremes we made to meet and form a sickening spectacle for -High Heaven to spue over. We flattered you, we worshipped, praised, -lauded and magnified you. We made you our gods, and taught ourselves to -shake and tremble in the unapproachable light and glory of your infinite -divinity. And ye were but _fleas_—little dirty insects, made great only -by our stupid suffrage. - -[Illustration] - -Oh, the infinite marvel of it! that the world of dogs should ever have -gone so blind, imbecile and demented as to have lifted you dirty pests -into the throne of the world, and made you the lords of all power -and might. How many million yards of the sackcloth, and tons of the -ashes of repentance will this, our mighty sin, need for its expiation! -Dogs, dogs, that we were ever to have done it! But we did it; and for -our reward ye drove us, ye bled us, ye tortured us, ye killed us and -made merry over our corpses. Oh, shame and everlasting contempt be on -us that we—without whose permission ye never could have existed one -minute—should, in our fathomless stupidity, have created you, and then -have abdicated the throne of our sovereignty and put you despicable, -infinitesimal cusses into it! - -“This was our sin; and ye, our creation, have been our just punishment. -This is always Heaven’s judgment on those who sin against themselves by -giving up their self respect, and surrendering their natural rights. -We reap as we have sowed. We stripped ourselves of our God-given and -inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness—things -that were NOT OURS TO GIVE AWAY—and sinfully gave them over to you, -and lo! ye were the very ones who mocked and scourged our nakedness. -We became your slaves and _thereby gave you the right to despise us_. -We invested you with the whip and the spur, and thereby invested you -with the right to drive us to the devil. And ye _have_ driven us to the -devil. And we have had the added misery of seeing you trying to amuse us -while driving us there. - -“Ye stole all we had, and when thousands of us died of want your -compassion was touched, and ye sent down for our relief quite a lot of -good things, accompanied by tracts and choice extracts of Scripture, -and a few requests that we be thankful and love the givers. But some of -us, nosing amongst these gifts, recognized them as the same ones ye had -stolen from us; and while the poor fools amongst us were trotting around -thankfully licking their chops, and wagging their little tails, and -tearfully and prayerfully invoking God’s choicest blessings upon you, we -walked off disgusted that there should live fools so God-forsaken as to -be thankful for the return of a crumb from the thief who stole his loaf. -_Ye_ called it CHARITY, and the poor fools sent up a request to God to -remember you in love for it. _We_ called it the small articles the thief -is obliged to drop because Nemesis is after him; and we prayed God to -send a time when we could remember you—WITH AN EXTINGUISHER. - -[Illustration] - -“And this time has come now. We came here and heard you devising new -schemes to divert us from our discontent. Ye knew that discontent is -the precursor of investigation and the knowledge of what is amiss. We -heard you propose everything but the only thing needful, viz: TO GET -OFF OUR BACKS. Ye would make us believe that ye sought OUR GOOD; but -the real motive of your conduct was YOUR OWN SAFETY. Your blood sucking -franchise being your very life, ye could not, of course, think of giving -it up; so ye proposed to throw a meatless bone to the dogs in the shape -of Free Gospel, Free Music, Free Pictures and CHARITY BALLS—which -are nothing less than a damnable endeavor to palm off on God and us -your love of display and riotous pleasure as CHARITY. Ye _must_ have -your hops anyhow. Ye _must_ have your ostentatious displays of pride -and property, and your nights of dissipation; but the happy thought -struck you that you might kill two birds with one stone, and have your -unrestricted, selfish, fleshly pleasures, and by garbing them in the -disguise of Charity, get also by means of them into Heaven’s good book. -But we have found you out, and concluded that if we have our own freedom -we can get our own gospel and music and pictures and do our own dancing. - -“Therefore, we, in our plenary power to enforce this decision, do enact -that _we will do without fleas_, and we do hereby resume the control of -our own bodies; and therewith we resume all our self-alienated rights -and powers; and at the same time we give, grant and convey to you, for -your behoof and benefit, all that gospel, that music and those pictures -ye have provided for us. We shall not need them now; ye may, for, lo! -your doom is sealed.” - -“What doom? What dog insolence is this?” cried one of the eminent fleas, -in a bold tone. “Dost thou not know, dog, that this is sedition, anarchy -and a breach of the peace? Begone! thou and thy low-born, dirty and -ill-smelling crew, or by the Law we will turn you over to the police -dogs.” And all the other fleas, plucking up heart at these words, cried -out too; “Yes, begone!” - -But the dogs laughed, and their leader said: “The day of dogs’ obedience -to the commands of fleas is gone. Said I not unto you that their eyes -had been moistened with the Dilute Solution of Common Sense, and that -they can now see through fleas? Ye have not heard; but I and these my -fellow dogs were commissioned by the other dogs of Canisville to come -here and tell you that a new Will of the Dogs Expresser hath been set -up, a very much bigger, better and more effective one than that which ye -commanded your slaves and imported beasts to destroy and burn with fire. -This Expresser hath the novel but righteous provision for _dogs_ to sit -at the bottom of the shute thereof and _do the counting_. This hath been -set up in the Public Place and all the dogs have this day dropped their -little wills into the slot thereof, and when the trap in the bottom was -pulled and the wills were counted it was found that there was a Great -Majority, and the Great Majority said that both the fraudulent Nighuntos -and the swindling Faraways should get away from the Tank, that the Blood -and Bones Mill should be broken down and the Handle sold to the devil; -that the lying Bamboozling Committee and the Great Many Headed Daily -Press should be branded as frauds, and that all dogs, big, little and -whatsoever, should be absolutely forbidden to contribute in any degree -to the maintenance of fleas, and any dog found guilty of having the -smallest flea on him should be treated as a public enemy and driven out -of the city into the wilderness. - -“The police dogs, alarmed at this universal coming of the dogs to their -senses, have retired to their kennels, to watch the weathercock, and -some very impulsive ones, being quite confident that the dogs are now -on top, have very ostentatiously clubbed several eminent fleas; and -the Bamboozlers and the Monstrous Fleas, after calling in vain on the -prudent and non-committal police dogs to club back to slavery the newly -self-enfranchised dogs, have run away. Bones and meat are coming out of -their hiding places, and flesh is beginning to grow over the poor dogs’ -bones; and we are here to tell you to depart peaceably and find some -other community of fools to live on, or live on one another, we care not -which.” - -But the fleas flew into a great rage, and cried out: “To Hades with -your infernal Expresser! Fleas always have been on top, and will be -forever!” and, yelling “Down with Sedition,” they with one accord jumped -upon the backs of the dogs, and knowing it was now a case of victory or -death, they beset them sorely, saying they would teach the miserable, -thankless curs who was master. There were many fleas to each dog, and -they were very fierce and savage, but not a dog whined or scratched. -With tail erect and a noble light in his intelligent eye, the leader -turned and departed, followed in like manner by all the others. They -passed a place where a lot of timber had been cut and each seized a big -chip in his mouth as he trotted along. Soon they came to where flowed -a considerable stream of water, on the bank of which they formed _in -reverse order_. Then, with tails trailed in the very dust, and to the -murmuring music of the moving waters, they waded in backwards as far as -they could until nothing but the chips and the very tip of each nose was -above the water. This caused the fleas to drop all thoughts but those -of self-preservation, and in a scrambling panic they scampered from dry -point to dry point till the chip was the only resting place for their -feet. Then, holding each nose upright and each chip well aloft, each dog -sank, until nothing but the chip, black with a cursing mob of outwitted -and dethroned blood-suckers, was to be seen above the water. A moment -more and each dog let go his chip and came to the surface a little way -up stream, giving the widest possible berth to any chips floating away -from his fellow dogs. Farther up the stream they took to the banks, on -which they gathered together and from which they exhorted the drowning -fleas to practice the virtue of content, and to look above to that -Heaven to which they had so often pointed the dogs. But as the mob of -erstwhile powerful tyrants floated away into the dim, forgotten Past, -there came for answer only a wail of despair and a dying prayer that -God would avenge them some day on a wicked and thankless race of dogs. -The dogs, however, with humble and contrite hearts, burst forth into a -dog song of deliverance, which ran: - - Sound the loud timbrel o’er Misery’s dark sea, - The Suckers are gone, the enslaved ones are free; - Their power and their pride are gone down in the wave, - And the curse is removed, of Master and slave. - -And the dogs with songs and joy marched back to the city, and Pup -McPoodle and all his gang of wicked and cowardly courtier dogs, hearing -of their coming, were seized with terror, and “put” with such rapidity -that the momentum of their going carried them far out of sight, and it -is supposed they are going still. - -[Illustration] - -And the free and happy dogs called the Big Dog Retriever, “for,” said -they, “he hath retrieved our lost prosperity,” and they cried aloud that -he be elected chief; but the Big Dog would not consent, and he said unto -them: “No; I will not be your chief. Be ye your own chief; let this, for -the future, be a government of the dogs, by the dogs, and for the dogs; -delegate not your power to anyone, be he never so wise and good, for the -dogs that do that commit treason against themselves, and if their chief -sell them to the fleas, they are but justly punished, as ye have been -by Pup McPoodle.” And all the dogs, having still the influence of the -Dilute Solution in their eyes, cried out with one accord: “That is Plain -Common Sense; _we_ will be the government, and no one shall have the -power.” - -And it was so. And they set up and kept up all the year round a great, -big, free Will of the Dogs Expresser, and through it they passed a law -that whatsoever law should henceforth be made should be _ratified by the -dogs_ through the Will Expresser. And it was so. And all laws whatsoever -which they had _were_ ratified through it and without its ratification -was no law made that was made. And their laws were very few and very -good; for they found that the wisdom of _all_ the dogs was greater than -the wisdom of any one dog or of any few dogs; and there being very few -laws, they were simple and easy to understand, for the object sought -thereby was Justice and not to fatten fleas. - -They also made what they called a Constitution—a Solemn League and -Covenant—which they ratified seven times through the Will Expresser, -that provided that fleas and suckers of any description should be -regarded as Unconstitutional insects, to be arrested on sight and driven -ignominiously out of town, and that any law to allow them an existence -amongst dogs should be Unconstitutional, and that any dog who should -ever propose such a law should be declared a traitor to the community, -and condemned to abide by himself in the wilderness, and that any dog -who even spoke with any favor of fleas should be deemed insane and be -locked up out of sight. - -So peace, good order and freedom abounded, and with these came more to -eat than they ever needed. - -And having true Freedom in the land they pulled down the Liberty Bell, -and the grotesque copper Lie that disfigured the prospect at the gates -of the city, and broke them both up for old junk, for they said they -could not endure the sight of emblems that were lies when they were put -up, and only reminded them of the days when they were bamboozled and -cheated; and anyway, they said, real true Freedom was _seen_ and _felt_ -everywhere, and needed no clangor of metal to proclaim its existence; -for a Freedom that needed such an infernal din and racket and oratory -and show to make itself known was evidently _not self-evident_. - -And as for the old Flag of the Free, they hardly knew what to do with -it. Some said that the fleas and the Bamboozlers had made such a lie -of it, had so blasphemed Liberty in its name, and had so defiled it by -hoisting it over so many damnable and bloody iniquities that, really, -the only proper thing to do was to burn it and devise a new one. But -some said that as it was originally devised by fairly honest dogs who -had had no education concerning and experience with fleas, such as the -expensive and terrible one they had just gone through, they thought if -the old Flag were well fumigated to take away the sickening smell of -fleas that clung to it, and were well scrubbed and scoured, and had all -the dirt washed out of it, it would do very well. So they cleansed and -purified it, and set it up; and under it they lived perfectly happy ever -after. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE TYPE SETTING FOR THIS BOOK - - WAS DONE BY - - Libby & Sherwood Printing Co., - - 140‒146 Monroe Street, - - CHICAGO. - - * * * * * - - THE PRESS WORK ON THIS BOOK - - WAS DONE BY - - George K. Hazlitt & Co., - - 91 Plymouth Place, - - CHICAGO. - - - - - HILPERT & - CHANDLER - - WOOD - ENGRAVERS. - - and - - Electrotypers. - - PHOTO-ZINC PROCESS - - AND RELIEF-LINE ENGRAVERS. - - Send for Prices - - 167 Dearborn St. Chicago, ILL. - - - * * * * * - -TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES. - -1. Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical -errors. - -2. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - -3. A list of contents has been created by the transcriber. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Dogs and the Fleas, by Frederic Scrimshaw - -*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 62292 *** |