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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5404d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #62279 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/62279) diff --git a/old/62279-0.txt b/old/62279-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 397de70..0000000 --- a/old/62279-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2865 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 29, -January, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 29, January, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: May 29, 2020 [EBook #62279] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 29, January, 1922 - - - - -_They’re Going Fast!_ - - -Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22—hot off the press. Orders are now being mailed. There will be no -delay as long as the supply lasts. If your news stand’s quota is sold out— - -PIN A DOLLAR BILL - - Or your check, money order or stamps - To the coupon on the back page. - -And receive our 256-page bound volume of jokes, jests, jingles, stories, -pot pourri, mail bag and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever put -in print. - -REMEMBER, FOLK - -Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth as large as the 1921-22 -book) was sold out on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, and -not a copy could be bought anywhere in the United States within ten days. - -So hurry up! First Come will be First Served! - -Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to the Whiz Bang Farm; -Robbinsdale, Minn. - -Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues. - -We haven’t any left. - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - JANUARY, 1922 Vol. III. No. 29 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the Act of March 3, 1879. - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any - part permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz - Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is loyalty to - the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1922 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. Subscriptions - may be received only at authorized news stands or by direct - mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no clubbing offers, nor do we - give premiums. Two-fifty a year in advance. - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and dedicated to the - fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - -After an extended trip of two months, which led me throughout the North -American continent, it was a rare treat to settle down again to routine -duties on the Whiz Bang farm. The main street of our own little “Gopher -Prairie” looked mighty good to a tired and worn out farmer. ’Twas indeed -a pleasure to view the Howard lumber yard, with its red fence and shed, -and to grasp the sturdy hand of our village postmaster and storekeeper, -Bud Nasett. J. J. McCormick, who is depot agent and telegraph operator, -not to mention baggage smasher for genial drummers, greeted me at the -station. - -“How are you, Bill, you old son-of-a-gun?” or words to this effect, was -the whole-hearted way that Mac welcomed back a wayward and prodigal -pilgrim. - -Arm in arm we walked along Main Street to Gus Urban’s meat market to -inquire as to the price of livestock. Mr. Urban, in his usual jovial -embonpoint manner, informed us that cows brought five cents a pound, but -that bull was priceless. I disagreed with Gus, insisting that my recent -journeys in quest of the pedigreed animal had left me “flat broke.” - -Directly across the street, neatly encased in imitation granite blocks -of concrete, is our only bank, the Security State of Robbinsdale—and it -hasn’t gone “bump” for nigh onto four years. In the reorganization which -followed the last crash, Joe Roche was selected as cashier and Joe has -since successfully piloted this financial bulwark of our happy little -village. Joe also manages the Robbinsdale baseball nine. After making a -small “touch” at the bank it was home and the farm. - -My welcome back was so pleasant that the words of that rural gem—“The -Little Old Home Town”—went Whiz-Zing through my jaded mind. - - There are fancier towns than our little town; - There are towns that are bigger than this, - And the people who live in a little old town - Don’t know the excitement they miss; - There are things that you see in the wealthier town - That you can’t in a town that’s small, - And yet, up and down, there is no other town - Than your own little town after all. - It may be true that the streets ain’t long, - Nor wide and maybe not straight - But the neighbors you know in your own little town, - All welcome a fellow—it’s great. - In the glittering streets of a glittering town, - With its palace and pavement and thrall; - In the midst of a throng you will frequently long - For your own little town after all. - If you live and you work in your own little town; - In spite of the fact that it’s small, - You’ll find it a fact that your own little town - Is the best little town after all. - - * * * * * - -Bobby Nelson, our neighbor’s boy, is the worst kid in the world for -betting, and the unusual feature of it is he usually wins. Bobby’s father -took the matter up with the school marm to see if she couldn’t break him -of the gambling habit, promising her a reward if successful. - -The other morning when Bobby came to school he wanted to bet teacher she -had a wart on her right knee and the school marm, knowing better, and -thinking she had an opportunity to win a bet from Bobby and by so doing, -discourage his betting habit, accepted Bobby’s challenge. After school -that evening teacher proved Bobby was wrong and won the two dollar bet. - -She then called on old man Nelson. - -“Mr. Nelson, I have broken Bobby of the betting habit. It was a little -embarrassing, but this is how it was—Bobby bet me two dollars I had a -wart on my right knee and in order to make him lose and cure him of the -betting habit I accepted his challenge.” - -“Lady! Lady! Why did you do it? Bobby bet me this morning ten dollars -that he would see your knee before the day was out.” - - * * * * * - -In naughty old New York you need cold cash to have a hot time. - - * * * * * - -The other day I went to an Irish wedding and the people who attended were -very ill mannered. Why, I never saw such impolite people. We were all -seated around the dinner table and when they brought the turkey in to -serve, everybody made a grab for it, but the two legs I got tasted very -good. - - * * * * * - -Out in Idaho it is reported that the natives are making booze in this -manner—women chew corn and then “gob” it into a hollowed-out section of a -tree trunk. Water is added and the mess allowed to ferment, after which -it is imbibed to intoxication. Some drink, we would pause to remark! - - * * * * * - -A friend of mine told me the other night he slept in a wagon standing in -an alley, and when he woke up in the morning he had nothing but a dime in -his pocket. He was thirsty and he also needed a shave, so he decided to -toss the coin to see whether he would get a shave or a drink. He tossed -up the dime, and when it came down he missed it and it rolled near a -sewer grating, coming to a standstill just half over the edge of the -grating. - -“Gee,” he exclaimed, “that was a close shave. I guess I’ll get a drink.” - - * * * * * - -We asked Gus what he thought of Helen of Troy, but he said that he had -stopped running around with those laundry girls. - - * * * * * - -Our Robbinsdale druggist insists that Minnesota Swedes are the most -advanced settlers in this country. - -“Formerly we thought the Swedes were crazy for drinking pure alcohol,” he -said, “But present day events prove them to have been about twenty years -in advance of the rest of us.” - - * * * * * - -A stranger got off the train at our neighboring town of Coon Creek and -went up to the town druggist and asked for whisky. - -“We’re only allowed to sell spirits for medicinal purposes,” said the -druggist. - -“That’s what I want it for,” the stranger insisted, “this town gives me a -pain.” - - * * * * * - - -Djever Get Fooled? - - _A gay young bird is the Flapper, too,_ - _If you aren’t very careful she will surely get you._ - _She is pretty and hungry, with a vampire’s thirst,_ - _Hot Dog! Near Beer! April First!_ - - * * * * * - -On my way to the Pacific coast last month I traded a Whiz Bang to a kid -at the depot in Fresno for a package of raisins which the boy was selling -on the depot platform. On the way back I saw the same kid. - -“Say, kid, those raisins were punk.” - -“So was the book” he replied. - - * * * * * - -Now, Fellow Soaks, we’ll touch a few high spots in this grand and -glorious continent as we ramble about with wry faces in pursuit of -the elusive Scotch and Bubbon. San Diego and its fashionable suburb, -Coronado, were tough spots for a thirsty Minnesota farmer. Nothing but a -concoction commonly called “sympathy” gin to be had by a meek and lowly -stranger. But, glory be to Mexico, Tiajuana with its old time western -bar-rooms and music halls, is but an hour away. - -We spent one grand and glorious afternoon and evening in this unique -village. It reminded me of slumming expeditions of a quarter century ago. -Visions of Omaha’s famous Arcade at Capitol Avenue and Ninth Street, and -of Duluth’s “Minnesota Point” in its palmy days, not to mention the cribs -of Dupont Street in Frisco, went flitting through my frappe’d brain. - -In one solace of joy we sat at a table for Haig and Haig “service,” said -service being delivered by jaded janes who divided their time between -waiting on customers and jazz dancing to the tinny tunes of a tin pan -orchestra. It was a wild place and a wild night. Later we dined at the -Sunset Inn. The inn was flanked by rooms filled with scores of roulette -wheels and faro tables. My sporting blood surged hither and thither but -to no avail, for the Mexican government had placed a temporary ban on -this style of gambling. - -Alcatraz Island, that silent citadel that illumines the skyline of -Frisco’s bay like a bleak battleship, is the temporary home of about five -hundred United States soldiers who have become ensnarled in the tough and -tedious red tape of Uncle Sam’s court martial system. Prisons and morgues -are two places I abhor, but it fell my lot to visit both in one night in -San Francisco. - -It happened like this: While entertaining some new found Frisco friends -in my room in the St. Francis Hotel, I was pleasantly surprised by the -head director of the Jewish Welfare Board, Shea Swartz by name, who -requested on behalf of the Board, that my pedigreed bunk be spread on the -rocky soil of Alcatraz. The five hundred boys gathered in the barrack -auditorium and gave the Whiz Bang a grand and glorious welcome. It was -one of the bright lights of a very enjoyable tour of the coast. - -Later in the evening, accompanied by George Duffy and G. W. DeLano of the -district attorney’s office, we inspected the famous San Francisco morgue. -It was a gruesome visit, I’ll admit, but some of the curse was removed -by the marvelous furniture and apparatus used in the handling of the -unfortunate. - -From the morgue we glimpsed a view of the city jail, through the kind -offices of Walter C. Schiller, who is bond and warrant clerk in the Hall -of Justice. - -It was next to Chinatown where we were met by the sergeant in charge -of the Chinatown vice squad. Two of his operatives conducted our party -through a score or more of Chink gambling and hop joints that had -recently been raided. We sincerely thank the squad, but regret not having -seen one or two places that had not been raided. - -It is the hour of dusk that Chinatown pads to and fro noiselessly. In -the little tangle of crooked streets, blue lozenges of lights, sitting -gods and queer smells that babble of Oriental talk is incessant at this -hour. Women parade in gaudy headdress and beads of jade. The men wear -their gaudiest silken robes. There are dried-up men whose faces are old -with the age of eastern lore, young women who walk with mincing steps and -Oriental grace, cherry-cheeked babies tottering uncertainly. - -We passed up Honolulu until later in the year and made a transcontinental -jump to New York to try and “Get Gertie’s Garter.” Don’t believe I’ll -ever be contented “down on the farm” after all the wonderful people and -wonderful sights of the past two months. But here goes for Lil’ Ol’ New -Yawk, as seen through the eyes of a farmer. - - - - -_Blistering Broadway_ - - -In the old days we used to hear startling tales of the decadence of the -Paris theatre. It is no longer necessary to cross the pond to have one’s -aesthetic (?) senses stirred. The New York stage will do it for you this -season. Right behind the Broadway footlights you can see everything done -in the name of Art from witnessing a young lady actually climb in a bed -already occupied by a male to observing a squad of girls play strip poker -until— - -But let us go back to the beginning. They say that it is a dull season in -New York and that no one is spending money—at least for theatre tickets. -Hence the frantic effort to whet the jaded appetites of the elusive -theatre-goers. - -Let us list some of the more sprightly attractions. Bear in mind that -some of them have excellent qualities. There is, for instance, Somerset -Maugham’s “The Circle,” telling of an old couple who have broken all the -conventions and of a younger couple about to follow in their footsteps. -It is told with lively cleverness. No, indeed, the young people do not -find a moral in the experiences of their elders. At the end they dash -away to investigate the illicit love-in-a-cottage stuff themselves and -Mr. Maugham points out that in life it doesn’t matter “what you do as -much as what you are.” And also that “you can do anything in this world -if you’re prepared to take the consequences and consequences depend on -character.” All of which is excellent mental food for the 1921 flapper. - -Then there is Cosmo Hamilton’s “The Silver Fox,” a little epic of a -philandering wife with a penchant for young men and abbreviated socks. -Clever, too, but decadent. - -Also we might note “Ambush,” the opus of a young woman who likes -pretty things and who is aided and abetted by her mother. Papa is a -poor commuter who wakes up when daughter introduces a flip and married -gentleman friend. When he protests, daughter slaps his face and snaps -“Damn you!” Still, there is some excuse for “Ambush.” At least it is well -written. - -Here we turn to the plain every day efforts to be insolently sensational -at any price. - -“Getting Gertie’s Garter” (note the chaste title), was one of the -earliest of the sexly stimulants. But garters have lost their vogue and, -anyway, the short skirts have ruined their novelty. So the piece did not -seriously upset New York. - -Then there’s “Lilies of the Field,” for instance, a demi-mondaine -treatise anent certain lilies who “toil not neither do they spin,” or -however it was that the Good Book let down the gold diggers of the old -days. This is especially recommended for the eighteen-year-old flapper. - -With which we arrive at the real blush producers of the year. Consider -“Bluebeard’s Eighth Wife.” Here a young woman, newly married, invites her -old sweetheart to her boudoir at midnight, gets him squiffy and persuades -him to undress and climb into bed. And undress he does, right down to his -B. V. D.’s in front of the footlights, the appreciative heroine and the -audience. Said heroine then clambers in—and friend husband appears. Yes, -it’s all to teach hubby a lesson (one must make some concession to the -police) and the B. V. D. person gets the air. - -Broadway had been busily getting out its shekels to see Bluebeard and the -B. V. D. youth when along came Avery Hopwood’s “The Demi-Virgin.” Now, -Mr. Hopwood’s demi-virgin is not the demi-vierge of the French, from whom -the noun comes. Since this is a family paper, we will explain demi-vierge -as a young and ambitious lady who is broadminded up to a certain point. -Mr. Hopwood’s heroine, however, is a movie queen who deserts her husband, -another movie idol, on their wedding night. Although the husband finally -succeeds in capturing his demi-wife in her boudoir and thereupon starts -out to—well—anyway the real incident of the piece is the aforementioned -strip poker party, where a half dozen film fillies discard garment after -garment in a game designed to be thrilling. It isn’t a mere strip poker -party but a “strip cupid” affair, the first to arrive at the cupid state -to be the winner—or loser. The game progresses until it is a mere matter -of a card’s turn who is to be cupid when, of course, the thing is ended. - -This, then, is the state of the New York stage at this moment. Meanwhile, -film fans see life on the screen through the eyes of little Rollo while, -just around the corner, six young women are in the act of taking off -their pink envelope thing-ums while an appreciative audience applauds. -Not, of course, that we’re for censorship anywhere. But the New York -stage producer seems to be able to get away with anything. - -It is making it awfully hard for the musical comedy producer. Years ago -he reached a certain limit in bare revelations and now the drama comes -along and wins away the tired business man. Of course, the musical -comedy maker isn’t giving up without a fight. Now and then he has an -inspiration, as when, in the new Greenwich Village Follies, he reveals a -lady to personify Art dressed exclusively in three golden leaves, each -placed with fine discernment and discretion. - -The next step on the New York stage will probably come when the musical -comedy producer raises—or lowers—his limit. Despite our youth, we can -recall—vividly—when he made the step from tights and stockings to bare -legs, the only thing left is for him to ape the Parisian producer and -have costumes stop their upward trend at the waist. We shall see, we -shall see! - - * * * * * - - -Hibrow Column - -Speaking about high-brow poetry, we have from the Saturday Evening Post -(page 26, October 15th), real classy lyrics on how to eat or drink -something. The poem isn’t quite clear as to whether Mr. Bloodgood was -eating a rotten apple or merely taking a shot of moonshine, but anyway, -it’s high-brow stuff— - - _I love the loathsome!_ - _Delicious half-ripe rottenness._ - _I dream deliciously_ - _As it slips_ - _So soothfully_ - _Down my grateful_ - _Amorous throat._ - - * * * * * - - -Pathfinder Pulls This - -The prisoner threw the magazines across his cell in disgust and swore -eloquently. “Nothin’ but continued stories,” he raged, “an’ I’m to be -hanged next Tuesday.” - - * * * * * - - -Reversed English - -Three southern gents of color were engaged in an argument. - -First Darkey—“My wife is some cook!” - -Second Darkey—“My wife is not much of a cook, but she is some wash-woman.” - -Third Darkey—“My wife is not much of a wash-woman and no cook, but she -shuh can kiss!” - -First Darkey—“She can, she can!” - -Third Darkey—“Wat’s dat?” - -First Darkey—“Can she? Can she?” - - * * * * * - -“That helps a good deal,” remarked the poker player as he drew the fourth -ace. - - * * * * * - - -Watch ’em Run - -Sportsman (to friend at track meet)—“So you like to watch the runners, -old man?” - -Sport—“Yes, I surely do. That plump girl over there has two in one -stocking.” - - * * * * * - - -Stop That, Horace! - -“What’s all that growling I hear?” - -“Oh, that’s the ‘Hot Dog’ I just ate.” - - * * * * * - - -Courtroom Pot Pourri - -They just caught Roy Gardner! - -Where was he standing? - -On Hightower watching Fatty Arbuckle before he visited Richmond, -Virginia. - - * * * * * - - -Towser Likes His Morsel - -The man getting his hair cut noticed that the barber’s dog, which was -lying on the floor beside the chair, had his eyes fixed on his master at -work. “Nice dog that,” said the customer. - -“He is, sir.” - -“He seems very fond of watching you cut hair.” - -“It ain’t that, sir,” explained the barber. “You see, sometimes I make a -mistake and snip off a little bit of a customer’s ear.” - - * * * * * - - -A Tit-Bit - -It was washing day and John had been kept from school to look after -the baby. Mother sent him into the garden to play, but it was not long -before cries disturbed her. “John, what is the matter with baby now?” she -inquired from her wash-tub. - -“I don’t know what to do with him, mother,” replied John. “He’s dug a -hole and wants to bring it into the house.” - - * * * * * - - -Misplaced Vertebra - -Here’s a good story on a Minneapolis chiropractor. He started his -treatment on the new patient by rubbing his back. Then he turned the -patient over and applied the treatment in front. The patient stood the -tickling as long as he could, then with a look of content in his eyes he -sez, “Kiss me, Doc.” - - * * * * * - - -Charlie’s Delicate Habits - -A nice young man called on a nice young lady and spent the evening -recently. When he arrived there was not a cloud in the sky, so he carried -no umbrella and wore no goloshes nor mackintosh. At 10:00 o’clock when he -arose to go, it was raining pitchforks and grindstones. - -“My, my, my!” said the nice young lady, “if you go out in this storm you -will catch your death of cold.” - -“I’m afraid I might,” was the trembling answer. - -“Well, I’ll tell you what—stay all night; you can have Tom’s room, as he -is visiting uncle and aunt up in the country. Yes, occupy Tom’s room. -Excuse me a minute, and I’ll just run up and see if it’s in order.” - -The young lady fled gracefully upstairs to see if any tidying was -necessary. In five minutes she came down to announce that the room was in -readiness, but no Charles was in sight. In a very few minutes, however, -he appeared, dripping wet and out of breath from running and with a -bundle in a newspaper under his arm. - -The nice young lady greeted him with: “Why, Charles, where have you been?” - -“Been home after my night shirt,” was his reply, as he hung his hat up to -drip. - - * * * * * - -That train smokes a lot. - -Yes, and choos, too. - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is the Goozes Pimple Glide dance?—=_Washer -Iggle_=. - -This is done in the following manner: While stepping on the ballroom -floor with your partner keep time with the music by stroking her bare arm -with the front and back (alternately) of your hand. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—What is meant by “A man ahead of the time?”—=_V. -Havan Oisteh._= - -The fellow who carries his watch in his hip pocket. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—While crossing from Key West to Havana on one of the -gin rickey boats I noticed a streak of oil on the water. Could you tell -me what that was from?—=_S. Lopp Boal._= - -Oh, that’s where the road went across the ice last winter. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—We are going to give a cleaning-shower for a -bride-to-be. Can you suggest an appropriate gift?—=_Mid Riff._= - -A bath mitt. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap’n_=—I am giving a home-brew party to some jolly boys and -girls. What is the proper hour to have the musicians play “Home Sweet -Home?”—=_Roll Myowne._= - -Just before half pash stew. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—I am alone a great deal at night and am afraid. Can you -suggest some kind of protection?—=_Belle R. Peeling._= - -Take the bark of a dogwood tree and leave it outside your bedroom door. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap._=—Can you suggest some inexpensive amusement that I might -indulge in when my husband is away?—=_Dottie._= - -Take a bath and then spend half an hour or so playfully trying to locate -the soap. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap’n Billy_=—I have just purchased several new gowns and no one -seems to notice them. What can I do?—=_Ophelia Bumpus._= - -Try standing on a street corner with a tin cup in your hand and wear a -sign “I am dumb.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap. Billy_=—How can I cure my husband’s hiccups?—=_Ada Banana._= - -Don’t try. It is a mark of distinction. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—When my husband takes me to a dance he prefers to jazz -with all the girls except me. What can I do?—=_Gladys Swetz._= - -Make him wear shoulder braces. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—In all your travels, where did you receive the most -hospitality?—=_Al Hambra._= - -It was when in California. A gentleman called me into his room, handed me -a goblet in one hand and a demijohn in the other and turned his back. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—My dearest boy friend jilted me and now refuses to -marry me. Please give me your best dope.—=_Sally Patica._= - -Dear Sally—Always hate him and bring your children up the same way. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I am fondly in love with a young girl in our town, -but also have strong sympathies for a dashing grass widow of thirty. My -age, too, is thirty, and I would like your advice as to whom I should -consider seriously.—=_Gloomy Gus._= - -Always deal with an old established firm, young man. - - * * * * * - - -A Story With Teeth In It - -Pat and Mike hesitated at the gate of the home they intended to rob, -because of a barking dog. - -“Go head, Mike,” said Pat, “You know a barking dog never bites.” - -“Maybe so,” replied Mike, “you know that and I know it, but the dang dog -doesn’t know it.” - - * * * * * - - -Dusky Diana’s Devotion - -Pounding on the door of the attractive mulatto girl, the soldier bid -fair to rouse the entire neighborhood, till a head was thrust out of an -upstairs window and a voice cautiously asked: - -“Hush up dar, yo’ soldier! What yo’ want?” - -“Wanta come in,” hiccupped the warrior, who had evidently left the shrine -of Bacchus to worship at that of Venus. - -“H’m! Does yo’ b’long to de United States Marines?” - -“Nope; but wanta come in.” - -“Does yo’ b’long to de Third Massachusetts?” - -“Nope.” - -“To the Second Noo Hampshires?” - -“Nope.” - -“To the Fourf Noo York?” - -“Nope; but wanta come in, all the same.” - -“Well, yo’ can just go away fum dar, yo’ triflin soldier; I’se a very -partickler woman, I is.” - - * * * * * - - -Oh, Mother, Lookit Daughter! - - S ... is for the shortness of their length, - K ... is for the knees which we see, - I ... is for inches, 20 above ground, - R ... is for regions dear to me. - T ... is for thin, transparent, - S ... is for the shapes we see, - - Oh! may short skirts live on forever, - In this sweet land of liberty. - - * * * * * - - -Press Agent Stuff - -The selection of the Cast for “Why Change Your Beeveedees?” the snappy -cinema spectacle which the management of the Snore-On Theatre has been -persuaded to show commencing today, was a task calling forth all the -brains of that superior author-scenarist-director-producer, Whatin -L. Isit. The difficulty lay in getting a star acceptable alike to -the garment workers, buttonhole makers, laundry operators and health -authorities. - -M. T. Dome, who plays the leading male role in Wanta Daddy’s latest -paramour picture, “The Questionable Residence,” adapted from Gimm E. -Vice’s play by Seena Lott, is the newest addition to Hollywood’s film -colony. Dome came all the way from New York to California just to play -the part of Powerful Percy the Panderer’s Pal in the picture. He was last -seen on the screen as Glorious Love’s leading man in “The Passionate -Plumber.” - - * * * * * - - -Indignation Personified - -Brother Toole of the Kablegram writes: “I had all kinds of trouble at the -Blank Hotel last night. It was the first time I ever stopped there. When -I returned from the theatre, I found that the clerk had put two women in -my room. I went downstairs and raised all kinds of trouble about it. I -couldn’t do a thing with the manager at first—but finally he put one of -the women out.” - - * * * * * - - -The Guy Who Kin Sling It - -By Walter Wolf - - Some fellers er allus a spoutin’ - Bout the coin they used to make. - Like the girl thets allus a shoutin, - Bout the good pies she kin bake. - Now the feller thets allus made the dough - Should git credit fer Mary’s pies, - But how do it come, I’d like t’ know— - That this feller gits by with so many lies. - The guy he meets Mary an he shoots his bazoo, - Then suddenly ther married and I’ll leave it to you— - If the guy who kin sling it aint the guy thet gits by— - An allus gits the best uv the girls home-made pies. - - * * * * * - - -In Deah Old Hingland - -Rough-neck Western Yankee—Watcher principal trees here in England? - -English Cockney—Hoak, helm and hash. - - * * * * * - - -The Last Waltz - -They had met at a dance, he and she. He had wooed and won her while -dancing to jazz harmony, that’s why they were all “jazzed” up now. She -got to shaking her shoulders, so he “shook” her for good and got a -divorce. Now they’re apart and do their dancing with different partners. -She gets stepped on and he steps on others. Some day when “Home Sweet -Home” is played they will wander home together again and call it “The -Last Waltz.” - - * * * * * - -“My wife,” said the henpecked one, “is a woman of few words—but she uses -them over and over again.” - - * * * * * - - -Whizzical Whams - -By Whursmuhwhiski. - -I stopped in a Music Store the other day, and while looking around, I saw -a stack of sheet music called “Toyland Sketches.” The first one I noticed -was called “The Arrival of the Teddy Bears.” Needless to say, I didn’t -look any further. - - * * * * * - - Roses are red, violets are blue, - My roll is dwindling, since I met you. - - * * * * * - -Would “When Mother Plays a Rag On the Sewing Machine,” necessarily be a -sister song to “When Father Plays a Chord On the Wood-pile?” - - * * * * * - - -Hymn 999 - -Tenant (to janitor)—What was all that cursing and swearing going on -Sunday morning? - -Janitor—Oh, that was Mrs. McFadden. She was going to church and she -couldn’t find her prayer book. - - * * * * * - - -Our Old Friend Sal - -How did Sal treat you? - -Sal who? - -Sal Hepatica. - -Oh, she worked me to a frazzle. - - * * * * * - -“Oh, Ralph, I haven’t a thing to wear.” - -“’S’all right. I’ve a Sedan.” - - * * * * * - - -It Cannot Vas - -Ikey—Papa I’m in lof. Ain’t it a fine feelings? - -Papa—Dat’s nice, Ikey; who is de goil? - -Ikey—Ah papa, she’s a peaches and cream. She’s good looking, she’s a good -housekeeper, her papa’s got lots of money and— - -Papa—Vat’s her name, Ikey? - -Ikey—Alma Rosenbloom, ain’t she a daisy? - -Papa—You mean de clothing man’s daughtair? - -Ikey—Dat’s de goil, papa. How do you like it? - -Papa—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it cannot vas. - -Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why? - -Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man I was married before and Alma -Rosenbloom iss your sistair. - -After a lapse of time Ikey comes in again, all smiles and joyfully greets -his father with the announcement— - -Papa, I’m in lof again. - -Papa (anxiously)—Who iss de goil dis time? - -Ikey—Ah she’s a fine buxoms, she’s a good musician, she can cook, she’s -good looking, her papa’s got lots of money, and— - -Papa—Ikey, tell your papa, who is de goil? - -Ikey—It’s Rosa Lipshuts. - -Papa—You mean de pawnbroker’s daughtair? - -Ikey—Dat’s de baby, ain’t she a fine catches? - -Papa (shaking his head in the negative)—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it -cannot vas. - -Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why it cannot vas? - -Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man I vas married twice and Rosa -Lipshuts iss your sistair also. - -At this Ikey could no longer contain himself and gave vent to his -feelings in an outburst of boo-hooing. To hide his disappointment he -sought refuge in his room where his mother, attracted by his sobs, came -to console him. - -Mama—Ikey, for vhy are you crying? - -Ikey—Oh, mama it’s too terrible, it’s too terrible. - -Mama—Tell your mama, Ikey, for vhy do you cry? - -Ikey did. - -Mama (patting her boy on the head)—Dat’s all right, Ikey. You go an marry -de goil. She’s a good goil, she’s got lots of money, and— - -Ikey (between sobs)—But, mama, it cannot vas. - -Mama—Yes, it can vas, Ikey. You see ven a young goil I vas married before -also and your papa is not your fathair. - - * * * * * - - -The Latest Movie Title - -_THE BATTLE OF GARTER RUN._ - - * * * * * - - -Her Sprinkling System - -The architect was standing before one of his newly completed creations. -Its mistress, plentifully sprinkled with diamonds at eleven in the -morning, turned to him and said: - -“It’s grand, and I’ve just decided not to employ a landscape gardener. I -know just what I want myself. Banked up right against the porch there I -want a real thick border—now what is that name? You know; those bright -red flowers that look so dressy—yes; now I have it—saliva.” - -The architect was staggered for a moment, but soon recovered and came -back enthusiastically. - -“The very thing,” he agreed. “And right in front a nice row of -spitunians.” - - * * * * * - -Dark—Going to the dance tonight, Sam? - -Darker—Naw, I ain’t got any razor. - - * * * * * - - -William Tell O’Toole - -Clancy chuckled. - -“What’s the joke?” asked Mooney. - -“Sure,” replied Clancy, “Casey bet me ten dollars he could shoot a peanut -off my head with a shot gun and oi took him up because oi knew he’d miss -it.” - - * * * * * - -He wouldn’t supporter, so she stole his suspenders. - - - - -_Hollywood Flirtations_ - - -Little Shannon Day, a Ziegfeld Folly girl, is out west playing in a Lasky -picture. Monte Katterjohn, Lasky scenario writer has been seen with Miss -Shannon very frequently during the past two years, both in New York and -in Hollywood. He went so far as to take her to a formal Authors League -Dinner last year and the speeches and the minutes of the meeting and the -pleas for unpaid dues were such a tax on Shannon’s mind that she was -caught dropping off to sleep many times before the tiresome evening was -over. “I can’t see nothing to authors” quotes Shannon as she smoothes a -new dress which Mamma Dolly of the famous Dolly Sisters team made for her -just before she left New York. - - * * * * * - -While Geraldine Farrar stayed in Southern California last month, -fulfilling her concert engagements she kept herself much secluded in -her bungalow at the Hotel Maryland in Pasadena. Her parents were with -her. Many of her former friends in the film colony attempted to see her -in vain and it is surmised that Miss Farrar wished to keep to herself -until the matter of her pending divorce from Lou Tellegen has either been -granted or repatched. - - * * * * * - -The weekly calendar of a well known church in Los Angeles printed the -following questions soon after the Arbuckle affair spread itself forth in -the newspapers: - -“What would you do if you were in Mr. Arbuckle’s predicament?” - -“Is this a day of judgment for the movies?” - -“Was Miss Virginia Rappe of aristocratic blood?” - -“How much do we know of Henry Lehrman, the lover of Miss Rappe?” - - * * * * * - -Another wedding in the Pickford family is predicted. It is whispered that -Lottie Pickford is soon to marry Alan Forrest, popular and handsome young -leading man of the films. Lottie Pickford was formerly Mrs. Rupp, wife of -a Los Angeles broker, whom she divorced about two years ago. - - * * * * * - - -She Had Mud On Her Shoes - -He (driving up to the curb)—Hello, little girl, wanta go for a ride? - -Sweet Thing—Nothing doing, I’m walking home from one now. - - * * * * * - -She—“I wish God had made me a boy.” - -He—“He did. I’m he.” - - * * * * * - - -Old Stuff - -A stranger, walking along the road, passed an old darkey. He began -talking with him and found out that he had known George Washington. - -“I suppose you remember when Washington crossed the Delaware?” he asked. - -“’Deed, boss, I steered dat boat,” was the reply. - -“And do you remember when he took a hack at that cherry tree?” - -“’Deed I do,” the darkey replied, “’case I drove that hack myself.” - - * * * * * - - -Rastus Johnsing Says - -Ah’s so tough ah scratches de enamel off de tub when ah takes a bafth. - - * * * * * - - -Sing It In High Tenor - - “Darling, put your arms around me, - Oh, for heaven’s sake! - Ain’t you awfully glad you found me? - Oh, for heaven’s sake! - Am I not your little beauty? - Are you not my little cutie? - Kiss me, kiss me, Sweet Patootie, - Oh, for heaven’s sake!” - - * * * * * - -Thousands of lonely women are staring at faded photographs when they -might be kissing the faces of children. - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Jazz life seems to agree with Americans. We not only live faster than -our great- grandparents, but, on the average, we also live eight years -longer. So says the Census Bureau. - -Some day the centenarian will be the rule, not the exception. That will -come as a result of health education, not from eating monkey glands. - -A popular song had this refrain: “He may be old, but he’s got young -ideas.” That appealed to popular fancy because it caught the subconscious -mind, which probably knew what the census now reports: - -That marriages of persons beyond fifty years of age are steadily -increasing in numbers, already being frequent. Out of 100 American men -and women, 80 are married before they reach 45, while 10 take the leap -afterward and 10 remain single. - -Divorces among those who have passed 45 are also becoming more common. -This, however, is not making us a cynical people, for the census finds -that the majority of divorced people try marriage at least a second time, -many making three or four ventures. - -Figures—which never lie, though liars often figure—show that the span of -life is lengthening during the Jazz Age. - -The strain at times gets on our nerves. Frequently one of the contestants -howls and goes to pieces. But, on the average, the real effects of the -Jazz Age will not show up until our descendants of one hundred years or -more hence. - - * * * * * - - -They Named the Soap After Him - - _In Dr. W. A. Evans’ column in the Minneapolis Journal, “A. G. - M.” writes, under the heading of the Artistic Sex_: - - “I have a son, seventeen years old, who is and has been for - ten years, obsessed with a strange desire. He wants and feels - that he ought to be a girl. Ever since he was seven years old, - and probably before, although I had never noticed it, he has - thought of himself as a girl, acted like one, desired to be - regarded as a girl, and has, whenever he could worn girls’ - clothing. - - “His mother and I had a terrific struggle to allow his hair to - be cut like a boys’, when he was six or seven years old. He - withstood us until he was nearly ten, when, for the sake of - peace, he consented to have it bobbed. Up to that time he had - worn it in a great mass of curls, away down over his shoulders, - regardless of the ridicule of his playmates. He wore his hair - bobbed until two years ago, when he finally had it cut after a - fashion similar to other boys. This is just one incident, but - it may serve to show you something of his frame of mind. - - “He attended a gymnasium class until he was fourteen, and he - invariably wore bloomers and a bow of ribbon in his hair. - - “In fact, he is far more at home in girls’ clothing than he is - in boys’, for he has always insisted on wearing dresses and - gowns when in the house. His bedroom is a real girl’s boudoir, - with dressing table, powder puff, etc. He has as few boys’ - clothes as he can get along with for going out. Playing with - dolls was his favorite amusement until he was about thirteen. - He is about five feet eleven and one-half inches tall, good - looking and possessed of a remarkably good mind. He never has - given any signs of mental deficiency, unless you term what I - have above described as mental deficiency, or rather insanity. - I would be grateful if you would tell me your opinion.” - - _(Dr. Evans’ answer): This is a case of third or intermediate - sexism. You will find a fair amount of literature on the - subject. Such subjects are not in any sense feeble-minded. In - fact, many of them are exceptionally bright. As a rule the - stage, music or painting offers the best fields for men and - women of this group._ - -Wonder what our friends of the theatre think of Dr. Evans’ advice? -Probably they would feel the same way as the Army officials felt towards -certain chiefs of police who paroled the bums and the crooks on condition -they join the Army. - - * * * * * - - -Blank Verse - - Never get too intimate - With your friends, - They may some day - Be your enemies; - Never be too hard - On your enemies, - They may some day - Be your friends. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_Dear folk: We have some dandy stuff in store for you. Among the masters -who are writing for Whiz Bang the coming year are J. Eugene Chrisman, -author of “Poppies, Hell,” with his “Chi Slim,” “Keyhole Stuff” and -others; H. A. D’Arcy, author of “The Face Upon the Floor” with his -“Trapper’s Story,” “Charlie Wong” and others; Frank B. Lindeman, the -prospector-poet with his ode “To a Mountain Rat” and others; and last but -not least, some almost forgotten masterpieces of James Whitcomb Riley, -whose “Passing of the Old Smokehouse,” was one of the many hits of our -Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22._ - - * * * * * - - -The Blanket Stiff - -By Gifford and Whitney. - - The Western trail is a gittin’ dim; - The Sage-brush seems unreal; - My insides’re weak and gittin’ slim. - Sure wished I had a meal. - - My feet are growin’ weary; - My head is hangin’ low; - My eyes are a lookin’ teary. - Gawd! But it’s hard to go. - - There’s two thousand ties to a mile, - And fifty more miles to go. - I’ve counted those ties with a smile, - Keeps time from a goin’ so slow. - - Now—they seem a mile apart. - I can’t help feelin’ cold. - Got an achin’ down around my heart - I guess—I’m a gettin’—old. - - Know what the gangs a doin’ now, - Way down in Elephant Slough. - They’re sittin’ around a can o’ chow - Helpin’ themselves tuh stew. - - I kid myself, I ain’t et fer a week, - But I know it’s dang sight more. - My throat is dry—my insides squeak— - I’m hungry—clean to th’ core. - - I ain’t th’ kind that’ll stoop to yell, - When bad luck comes my way. - I’ve lived and sinned. I’m bound for Hell. - But—guess—I’ll kneel and pray. - - The Bo got down on rough worn ties; - Lifted his head in prayer, - And knelt there pleading to the skies— - A whistle sounded through the air. - - The Hobo heard and tried to rise, - Saw the train comin’ fast. - His muscles failed—and from the ties, - He welcomed this—the last. - - It’s only a blanket—stiff ye hit, - Sent another bum to Hell. - Had I better report on it? - I guess I might as well. - - No, Con, don’t make out no report. - Let’s plant him by the steel. - The Bum’s bound for an unknown port, - And tracks will make it real. - - The Western trail is a gittin’ black. - It’s time we moved along. - They buried him beside the track— - The hot western wind for the psalm. - - The Bo woke up in a nice white gown; - Clean, just like he’d had a bath. - Instead of the ties that held him down - He followed a golden path. - - * * * * * - - -The Girl From Over “There” - -By Budd L. McKillips - - A pistol shot, a darting pain - Like red-hot needles through her brain, - And ere the smoke cleared from the room - Another soul groped through the gloom. - - With fleeting glance the policemen came - Looked through her purse, took down her name; - Reporters never wondered why - Or reasoned how she came to die. - - In silent morgue, somber and drab— - With folded hands, on sheeted slab— - No mourners crowded ’round her bier - To say a prayer or shed a tear. - - Yet scarce a week before and she - Had smiled and looked on life with glee - Dreamed dreams of everlasting bliss - And reveled in her lover’s kiss. - - His mistress? yes but oft he’d said - He loved her madly, soon they’d wed; - Love-blind she hung on every word - While ugly rumors went unheard. - - Then came the day which like a thief - Stole joy and filled her heart with grief; - Cursed by the man she called her own, - She woke to find her dreams had flown. - - Tired of his toy he now defamed - And thrust her from him, unashamed, - To find refuge among her kind; - Then went to meet his latest find. - - Black as the night from pole to pole - The world seemed to her aching soul; - With heart bowed down and racked with pain - She sent a bullet through her brain. - - In restaurant where bright lights shine - A man laughs loud, made gay with wine - He beams on one with youth abloom— - The fairest creature in the room. - - The violins wail and cymbals clash, - The dancers whirl and diamonds flash; - His heart is light and free of care - As tambos beat and trombones blare. - - Forgotten is the long ago, - The whispered love-words, soft and low - Each word a lie, each kiss a snare - For her long since passed over “there.” - - Unnoticed by the merry crowd - A figure enters clad in shroud, - Her ghastly face a lurid glow— - The dead girl’s face of long ago. - - The music stops, unseen she flits - To where a laughing couple sits - A choking shriek, a gasp for breath— - A man lies still and stark in death. - - A hush falls o’er the crowded room - There comes a breath as from a tomb— - The eyes now set in glassy stare - Had seen the face from over “there.” - - * * * * * - - -The Ballad of Yukon Jake - -By Edward E. Paramore, Jr. - -_As originally published in Vanity Fair._ - - Oh the North Countree is a hard countree - That mothers a bloody brood; - And its icy arms hold hidden charms - For the greedy, the sinful and lewd. - And strong men rust, from the gold and the lust - That sears the Northland soul, - But the wickedest born, from the Pole to the Horn, - Is the Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal. - - Now Jacob Kaime was the Hermit’s name, - In the days of his pious youth, - Ere he cast a smirch on the Baptist church - By betraying a girl named Ruth. - But now men quake at “Yukon Jake,” - The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal, - For that is the name that Jacob Kaime - Is known by from Nome to the Pole. - He was just a boy and the parson’s joy - - (Ere he fell for the gold and the muck), - And had learned to pray, with the hogs and the hay - On a farm near Keokuk. - But a Service tale of illicit kale— - And whiskey and women wild— - Drained the morals clean as a soup-tureen - From this poor but honest child. - He longed for the bite of a Yukon night - And the Northern Light’s weird flicker, - Or a game of stud in the frozen mud, - And the taste of raw red licker. - He wanted to mush along in the slush, - With a team of huskie hounds, - And to fire his gat at a beaver hat - And knock it out of bounds. - - So he left his home for the hell-town Nome, - On Alaska’s ice-ribbed shores, - And he learned to curse and to drink, and worse— - Till the rum dripped from his pores, - When the boys on a spree were drinking it free - In a Malamute saloon - And Dan Megrew and his dangerous crew - Shot craps with the piebald coon; - When the Kid on his stool banged away like a fool - At a jag-time melody - And the barkeep vowed, to the hardboiled crowd, - That he’d cree-mate Sam McGee— - - Then Jacob Kaime, who had taken the name - Of Yukon Jake, the Killer, - Would rake the dive with his forty-five - Till the atmosphere grew chiller. - With a sharp command he’d make ’em stand - And deliver their hard-earned dust, - Then drink the bar dry, of rum and rye, - As a Klondike bully must. - Without coming to blows he would tweak the nose - Of Dangerous Dan Megrew, - And becoming bolder, throw over his shoulder - The lady that’s known as Lou. - Oh, tough as a steak was Yukon Jake— - Hard-boiled as a picnic egg. - He washed his shirt in the Klondike dirt, - And drank his rum by the keg. - In fear of their lives (or because of their wives) - He was shunned by the best of his pals - An outcast he, from the comraderie - Of all but wild animals. - So he bought him the whole of Shark Tooth Shoal, - A reef in the Bering Sea, - And he lived by himself on a sea lion’s shelf - In lonely iniquity. - - But, miles away, in Keokuk, Ia., - Did a ruined maiden fight - To remove the smirch from the Baptist Church - By bringing the heathen Light. - And the Elders declared that all would be squared - If she carried the holy words - From her Keokuk Home to the hell-town Nome - To save those sinful birds. - So, two weeks later, she took a freighter, - For the gold-cursed land near the Pole, - But Heaven ain’t made for a lass that’s betrayed— - She was wrecked on Shark Tooth Shoal! - - All hands were tossed in the Sea, and lost— - All but the maiden Ruth, - Who swam to the edge of the sea lion’s ledge - Where abode the love of her youth. - He was hunting a seal for his evening meal - (He handled a mean harpoon) - When he saw at his feet, not something to eat, - But a girl in a frozen swoon, - Whom he dragged to his lair by her dripping hair, - And he rubbed her knees with gin. - To his great surprise, she opened her eyes - And revealed—his Original Sin! - - His eight-months’ beard grew stiff and weird - And it felt like a chestnut burr, - And he swore by his gizzard—and the Arctic blizzard, - That he’d do right by her. - But the cold sweat froze on the end of her nose - Till it gleamed like a Teckla pearl, - While her bright hair fell, like a flame from hell, - Down the back of the grateful girl. - But a hopeless rake was Yukon Jake - The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal! - And the dizzy maid he rebetrayed - And wrecked her immortal soul! - Then he rowed her ashore with a broken oar, - And he sold her to Dan Megrew - For a huskie dog and some hot egg-nog— - As rascals are wont to do. - Now ruthless Ruth is a maid uncouth - With scarlet cheeks and lips, - And she sings rough songs to the drunken throngs - That come from the sealing ships. - For a rouge-stained kiss from this infamous miss - They will give a seal’s sleek fur, - Or perhaps a sable, if they are able; - It’s much the same to her. - - Oh, the North Countree is a rough countree, - That mothers a bloody brood; - And its icy arms hold hidden charms - For the greedy, the sinful and lewd. - And strong men rust, from the gold and the lust - That sears the Northland soul, - But the wickedest born from the Pole to the Horn - Was the Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal! - - * * * * * - - -God Bless the “Y.” - -A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into the ‘Y’ hut where an -entertainment was in progress and slumped into a front seat. - -Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y. M. C. A. man approached him, saying: -“Sorry, buddy, but the entire front section is reserved for officers.” - -Wearily the youth rose. - -“All right,” he drawled, “but the one I just got back from wasn’t.” - - * * * * * - - -A Test For You - -_On our recent visit in Los Angeles we became contaminated with Ham -Beall’s filosophy. (Note to the boys: This was written just before Ham -went on the wagon.)_ - - He is not drunk who from the floor, - Can rise again and drink once more; - But he is drunk who prostrate lies, - And cannot either drink or rise. - - - - -_The Flesh Pots of Egypt_ - -BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL - -Pastor, People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn. - - -Allah be praised! Here I am in Alexandria, the city founded by Alexander -the Great. Yet Alex. could never conquer this part of the world today—the -smells would put him to rout. This polyglot port is in “Lower” Egypt, -and its dives are among the lowest found anywhere. The Rue des Soeurs is -a street where crooked people go straight to perdition. Gambling hells -are overflowing. Sailors and soldiers from the four corners of the globe -crowd the cafes, where guitars twang, pianos jangle, drunks bawl, booze -flows, choruses cheer and women leer. Fleshy Fatimas, overpainted and -underclothed prowl about the street seeking whom they may devour. From -lighted windows come droning nasal songs— - - “Ya benat Iskendereeyeh,” etc. - - “O ye damsels of Alexandria! - Your walk over the furniture is alluring: - Ye wear the Kashmeer shawl with embroidered work, - And your lips are sweet as sugar.” - -All aboard for Cairo, city of the Caliphs, and I felt like taking a board -and spanking the exposed anatomy of the Arab youths who posed along the -railroad tracks to shock and mock the passengers. - -Leaving the black sheep tourists at “Shepherds” Hotel, I visited the -mosques which are as numerous in Cairo as mosquitoes in New Jersey. There -may be a thousand; I visited five hundred, more or less. Sometimes I -took off my slippers at the outer door, and at others I wore a kind of -moccasin over my tourist shoes and shuffled and slid over the old floors, -wondering how in the name of everything sacred I could profane anything -with a good “sole” like mine. In my fling about the city I visited the -Whirling Dervishes who whirled and dervished for me to my heart’s content -with a poetry of motion a Sitka Indian could never attain. My head -grows dizzy and my stomach faint when I think of them and their musical -accompaniment of tambourines and flutes which were a cross between an -ungreased saw and the breathing of an overdriven horse. I left before -these human tops stopped spinning, and I carried away the memory of their -tomato-can hats, bell-shaped robes, half-closed eyes, drooping heads and -extended arms. I still see the uplifted right palm catching a blessing -from Allah, the left hand turned down to bestow it. - -Cairo’s amusements are varied: you may attend the opera house and listen -to Italian music or see a French farce; take a turn at the hippodrome -and have a circus; or stop at an open air play on the Esbekeeyah; or, if -religiously inclined, take in the convent with its dancing dervishes and -barbarous music; watch snake-charmers, glass-eaters, sword-swallowers, -long-haired fakirs, chibook-smokers and munchers of scorpions; sip cafe -noir (that looks and tastes like sweetened Nile mud) in a little shop -where the waiters and loungers are as thick as the drink; or see Arabs -gamble with dice and cards, much as they do in America; go to a kind -of vaudeville, where a stringed band of lady-performers try to beguile -travelers, with American airs and Persian dances, into buying drinks -for them at the rate of one or two dollars a bottle, and poor stuff -at that; or meander through the Fish Market at midnight where streets -are filled with citizens and sight-seers, sidewalks with roystering -soldiers, bazaars with shrewd traders, dens with drunken natives, and -miles of houses with women outcasts from all quarters of the globe, -leering, lurking and lustful, caged like wild beasts behind iron-barred -gratings which are necessary to keep them from murderous assault on the -morals, money and lives of the passersby. I was held up in an alleyway -by a beautiful Ghawazee girl who said, with outstretched hand, “Me -backsheesh to give God.” She would need a bank-roll to get full pardon -for her multitudinous mistakes. The resorts where naked women invite you -to see the “Danse du Ventre,” a Terpsichorean exercise not noted for -its modesty, and the mahsheshehs, or hang-outs where hasheesh smokers -stimulate themselves into idiotic talk and laughter and stupefy their -brains into a narcotic nepenthe of poverty, hunger and dirt, may seem -quite unethical to the Occidental tenderfoot, but they are Christian -places of entertainment compared with those infamous joints in the Fish -Market where men, dressed up like women, carry on. These bordels had -their prototype of old in the Egyptian temples of Isis. - -I entered a Cafe Chantant where, before an entranced audience, two -daughters of the desert, with incandescent kohl-stained eyes and -sin-stained souls, were going through the sinuous undulations of the -“hooche-cooche.” They moved their necks to and fro like cobras before a -snake-charmer, and the motion of hip, breast and abdomen thrilled the -spectators. These Egyptian dancers show a laxity of muscles and morals, -and dance in a way that makes it unnecessary to attend a gymnasium. The -dishes served were delicate, but the songs were indelicate, to say the -least. There was a very pathetic one which I translate: - - “O damsel! thy silk shirt is worn out, and thine arms have become - visible, - And I fear for thee, on account of the blackness of thine eyes. - I desire to intoxicate myself, and kiss thy cheeks, - And do deeds that ’Antar did not.” - -The Oriental orchestra was made up of a darabooka drum, made of a -wooden cylinder over which is stretched a parchment; the tar, a sort -of tambourine; the kemengeh, a viol of two strings with a cocoanut -sounding-body; the kanoon, a stringed instrument held on the knees and -played with the fingers; the ’ood, a guitar with seven double strings; -and the nay, a reed flute blown at the end. The music produced is most -unspeakably unspiritual and nasally noisome. It outranks the obligato -serenade of a love-sick tom-cat. The melody is old as the Libyan hills. -Is this what Mark Antony heard when he fell for Cleopatra? If so, what a -fall there was, my countrymen! - -Here I bade adieu to the country which has all that was, is and ever -will be. Good-bye, Egypt! Land of faro-banks and Pharaoh mummies—of -backsheesh, bad smells, sphinx and blase globe-trotters! Paradise of palm -trees, pyramids and postcard-venders! Desert domain of donkeys, dirt and -dervishes—of tombs, temples, turbaned thieves and veiled vampires! Home -of camel, crocodile, can-can and Cleopatra! Farewell, till we meet again! - - * * * * * - -Even cultivated girls sometimes grow wild. - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - -Motto For Married Men - -Be sure you are right and then keep still about it. - - * * * * * - -_I don’t like girls that bob their hair, use rouge or powder, wear short -skirts or roll their socks._ - -_I haven’t got a girl, either._ - - * * * * * - - -Knock-kneed Blues - - There’s only one thing I can’t understan’, - How a bowlegged woman loves a knockkneed man. - - * * * * * - - -Little Cowlet O’ Mine - - _I have a little calf,_ - _(The kind that eats the hay)_ - _It gets its ate_ - _La tete a tete_ - _Through the milky way._ - - * * * * * - -Every right-minded woman is cheered by the thought of having pretty -undies on—even if nobody sees them. - - * * * * * - -_In the battle-scarred words of the cave-man: “I want my wine weak and -my women strong.”_ - - * * * * * - - -The Height of Economy - -To eat your meals in front of a looking glass and think you are having -twice as much. - - * * * * * - -_If a corset cover covers a corset, what does a corset cover?_ - - * * * * * - - -Harness Shop Ad - -_“Our buckles won’t hurt you.”_ - - * * * * * - -Our Robbinsdale bootlegger refused to sell me absinthe because he said it -is against the law. - - * * * * * - -_Hello, there, old fellow, where’d you get the new hat?_ - -_Oh, my wife didn’t expect me home until twelve last night and I got in -a little earlier._ - - * * * * * - - -Bow and Arrow Bull - - QUIVERS ran up and down her spine, - When his STRING of bull he’d throw; - For she was an ARROW minded kid - And he was her loving BOW. - - * * * * * - -In the immortal telegram of Ikey Goldstein: “Twins arrived; mine died.” - - * * * * * - -Hall Caine’s description of women: - -“Women are like sheep’s broth. If there’s a head and a heart in them -they’re good, and if there isn’t you might as well be supping hot water.” - - * * * * * - - -I’m So Weak I Nearly Faint - -Says the pail to the milk, “You look awfully pale.” - -Says the milk to the pail, “If you’d gone through what I have, you’d be -pale, too!” - - * * * * * - -Our idea of nothing is a bung hole without a barrel. - - * * * * * - - Mamma’s in heaven, - Papa’s in jail, - Sister’s on Broadway, - Earning papa’s bail. - - * * * * * - - -Paddy’s New Boots - -These shoes are too tight. Be jabbers, oi’ll have to wear them a couple -of times before oi can get thim on. - - * * * * * - -Let us now sing the old familiar ballad, “When a goat is right behind you -it’s no time to lace your shoe.” - - * * * * * - - -Another Clean Joke - -_A handkerchief and a sock, by chance met in a tub at the laundry._ - -_“How did you get in here?” asked the sock._ - -_“Oh, I was blown in,” replied the handkerchief._ - -_“I was scent,” said the sock._ - - * * * * * - -“I’ve got to hand it to you,” quavered the citizen as he passed over his -pocketbook to the hold-up man. - - * * * * * - - -The Discovery of America - -Columbus was walking down the main street of Spain one day when he saw -Queen Elizabeth riding along in her new Henry super four. - -He called to her, saying, “Howd’y Bella.” She said, “Hello, Colum, hop -in.” They were on pretty intimate terms, at the time, and there was quite -a bit of scandal going around concerning them. - -After a little Columbus said, “Say, Bella, I believe if I had a couple -of schooners I could sail over and discover America.” She answered, “All -right, Colum.” - -Soon after, Columbus sailed away and sailed for years and years. One day -one of his men hurried below and in an excited voice said, “Columbus, I -see land.” - -On landing, they found the Indians all lined up and down the shore -waiting for them. Columbus stepped ahead and said, “Hello, is this the -United States?” “Yes,” said the chief, “we got your cablegram and have -been waiting here to be discovered.” Whereupon Columbus erected a post -and put up a brass tablet giving date of discovery, etc. - -After that, he moved to Ohio, and anyone passing can see Columbus in Ohio. - - * * * * * - - -Recruit, Boys! - -She—Did you get a commission in the army? - -Private—No, I just got a straight salary. - - - - -_Movie Hot Stuff_ - - -Clara Smith Hamon, now Mrs. John Gorman, is no longer in possession -of her $2,500 automobile. The car was recently attached for payments -overdue. Her picture “Fate” was given its final death blow as a money -producer when the Arbuckle affair roused the censorship broil anew. - - * * * * * - -Because his old friend Claire Windsor met Charlie Chaplin at the depot -in Los Angeles on his recent return from Europe, the newspapers hinted -a new romance. However, Whiz Bang’s astute investigators did not go to -the depot, but upon taking a chance peek into Charlie’s drawing room, -discovered among a very few close friends, little May Collins and her -mama. - -Evidently the little Collins-Chaplin romance is still on. Pretty foxie, -Charlie! - - * * * * * - -Married men out west are having an awful time. You know the cleverest -hold-up men and crooks in the U. S. A. beat it for California every fall -to keep abreast to the tourist wealth which goes west as well. These -desperadoes often take an auto of an evening, drive into the suburban -towns or near the lonely stretches of Pacific beach, and hold up loving -couples who are spooning in autos along the roadside. Now, you see if you -happen to be married and are out with the pretty steno or an extra girl, -and you are held up, relieved of diamonds, watches and money, you can’t -very well report it to the police, can you? Reporters have an annoying -way of getting news from police chiefs and, regardless of your rage -against thugs and hold-up men, you surmise it would be better to swallow -your loss. - - * * * * * - -Domestic note—Alice Brady, who in private life is Mrs. Thomas Crane, -has retired from stage and screen, it is said, in anticipation of an -interesting family event. - - * * * * * - -From “location” to a “one night stand” in the county jail was the recent -plight of Texas Guinan, film beauty and former musical comedy favorite. -Approximately fifteen hours the movie star basked in the bastile, and all -on account of an unpaid old grocery bill. - -The turnkeys are glad she is out. They are willing she reign on Broadways -if she will keep herself out of prison row. The tank heroes shaved -themselves as never before, donned Sunday neckties and bartered keepsakes -for standing room back of the great steel doorway where they might -perchance catch a glimpse of Texas. However, they were disappointed, for -Texas was temperamental and made no appearance in the downstairs “prison -drawing room.” Nosegays and noes arrived, but Texas announced from her -“dressing room” that she never “received” before noon. According to -rumors, Mrs. Peete and Madalynne Obenchain displayed real professional -jealousy. - - * * * * * - - -Lost - -By James Whitcomb Riley. - - ’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here, - A summer of smiles with never a tear, - Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear, - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - For I love him, oh! as the stars love night! - And my cheeks for him flushed red and white - When first he called me his heart’s delight. - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - The touch of his hand was a thing divine, - As he sat with me in the soft moonshine, - And drank of love as men drink wine. - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - And never a night as I knelt in prayer, - In a gown as white as our own souls wear, - But in fancy he came and kissed me there: - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - But now, God! what an empty place - My whole heart is! Of the old embrace - And the kiss I loved there lives no trace: - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - He sailed not over the stormy sea, - And he went not down in the waves—not he; - But, oh! he is lost, for he married me: - Good-by, my lover, good-by! - - * * * * * - - -How to Get the Dough - -The oil field filosopher reports the following: - -My father got rich selling tickets at the moving picture show. When a man -came up to buy a ticket he would throw down a two dollar bill or a five. -Father would blow his breath in his face and say, “How many?” The man -would say, “Oh, never mind, keep the change.” - - * * * * * - -Just because you’re a ham, you needn’t think you’re Swift. That’s all the -jokes I know, but there Armour. - - * * * * * - - -Wet Times Ahead - -Steamer Captain—Save yourself! The vessel is going down. Here, sir (to -indifferent passenger), what are you passing that hat for in a situation -like this? - -Passenger—I’m just providing a sinking fund for our widows and orphans, -captain. - - * * * * * - - -He’d Tested Her - -“I’ve got the fastest typist in the city.” - -“Well, that’s the only complaint I have against mine.” - - * * * * * - -Some marriages make one wonder why a man should want to keep a cow when -free milk is running down the gutter. A ladle costs less than a cradle. - - * * * * * - - -The Tramp’s Plea - -“Good mornin’ this evenin’, how do you do tomorrow?” - -“Got any good drinking water?” - -“Would you mind giving a poor man a drink of liquor?” - -“I’m so hungry, I ain’t got nowhere to stay all night?” - - * * * * * - -“Dat may all be,” reckons Raspin’ Rastus, when told that the Good Book -says the lion and lamb lie down together, “But ah cain’t fin’ no place -where it says dat lamb eber got up.” - - * * * * * - - -Let This Be Your Philosophy of Life - -“Act as if the destiny of the universe depended on your acts.” - - * * * * * - -My girl is so pretty that whenever she boards a street car, the -advertising is a total loss. - - * * * * * - - -Our History Lesson - -During the Middle Ages rich men condemned to death would hire substitutes -to die in their places. Many poor people made a living in such manner. - - * * * * * - -_Say, dear, how’d you like to open my pay envelope?_ - - * * * * * - - -Puff Me Up, Kid - - She’s the kippiest kid, - Hair of gold, baby eyes - And a wonderful figure. - Oh boy, how she can love. - Many times a day - I caress her cheek, - Her mouth her nose. - She jealously guards me. - I live where wise men - Fear to peep. - I’m some guy, I am, - Yea brother, - I’m some powder puff. - - * * * * * - - -Hard Boiled Muggsy - -A mission worker on the lower East Side, New York, was telling the story -of Adam and Eve to a group of tough kids. When he was through, one boy -asked Hard-boiled Muggsy what it was all about. - -“I’ll tell yer,” said Muggsy, “there was a guy and a ‘broad’ in a garden. -They ‘snitched’ an apple; a snake ‘peached’ on ’em, and God said tuhel -with ’em.” - - * * * * * - - -Smackum Smackaday - - Someday—I’m going to take— - Somebody— - Somewhere—where there isn’t anybody—and— - Somehow—I’m going to give her a sweet kiss— - Something—she wants—and then— - Sometime—later—she’ll find— - Someway—to get me away—some— - Summer—day—to get— - Somemore—of the same thing. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -A Serious Accident - -(From Zanesville Times-Recorder) - -Miss Mayite Collins has sued John L. Nelson at Columbus for $5,000.00 -damages as the result of an accident on the bathing-beach toboggan at -Buckeye Lake last July. Miss Collins says she picked up a splinter while -sliding down the toboggan, severely wounding her dignity. - - * * * * * - - -A Soft Job - -(From Omaha Bee) - -More ladies wanted for decorating pillows at home. Experience -unnecessary. - - * * * * * - - -Our Agony Column - -(From the London Post) - -T. B. (Maiden Lane)—Very many thanks—and more power to your elbow. Best -wishes to Madame and “her wicked sister.” - - * * * * * - - -Suppose He Comes Home? - -(From the Nashville Tennessean.) - -Account husband traveling and being uneasy at nights will rent one or -two rooms to congenial gentlemen at moderate rate in modern brick home; -easy walking distance. Apply in person, 1506 McGavock. - - * * * * * - - -The Corset Revue - -(From the Jersey Journal.) - -WANTED—Stout model and perfect medium figure for corset promenade for -three evenings. Apply at once, 162 Monticello Ave. - - * * * * * - -A fool friend can wield a hammer as effectively as a bitter enemy. - - * * * * * - - -Everybody’s Winner - -An old colored mammy whose husband had just successfully sued for divorce -came slowly down the court-house steps, talking to herself: “Dar ain’t -no justice in dis heah wo’ld. Dat useless ol’ husband of mine he got his -divorce, he got de house, got de money, got mah free chil’en and dey -ain’t none of ’em his’n.” - - * * * * * - - -Blank Verse - - I held her in my arms. - “Do you believe - In free love?” - I asked. - “No!” she replied - Indignantly, - “But ... umm - Kiss me again!” - - I like - The way fellows - Speak of - MY woman - MY girl.... - Such is - The conceit - Of man! - - * * * * * - -Perhaps Luther was right when he said that God is a piece of white paper -upon which every man draws a picture of his own face. - - * * * * * - - -Atchew! - -Lotta—“What gave George that awful cold?” - -Bull—“I don’t know, but I saw him out on the lawn with a mighty thin girl -last night.” - - * * * * * - - -If She Squeaks, Oil Her - -(From Our Navy) - -“The rifle is the marine’s best friend,” he said. “He must never neglect -it. He must treat it as he treats his wife and wipe it over with an oily -rag twice a day.” - - * * * * * - - -Shall We Forgive Her? - -A dainty little blonde miss of twenty-two stepped into a phone booth. She -drew forth from a small trunk (called a vanity case) a nickel. She placed -the nickel in the slot with the softest, white and well kept hands that -anyone has seen. She took up the receiver and with a soft sweet voice of -a great singer spoke the number to the operator. She waited and waited -and waited and waited, first on one foot and then on the other. She had -waited an awful long time. All of a sudden she banged the receiver down -and hissed between her lovely, pearly teeth, a well sounded “Damn it.” - - * * * * * - -The fellow who asks a girl for a kiss doesn’t stand half a chance with -the live wire who kisses a girl first and then asks her how she likes it. - - * * * * * - - -Liberal Wife - -Wife (to attractive husband)—“Have you kissed the new cook yet, William?” - -Husband—“Why—er—no.” - -Wife—“Well, stupid, what are you waiting for? You know what a hard time -we had to get her.” - - * * * * * - -People who live in rag houses shouldn’t throw bones. - - * * * * * - - -Honesty, the Cheap Policy - -Hear John West got two years for stealing a horse? - -Yes, serves him right. Why didn’t he buy it and not pay? - - * * * * * - -Preacher—Don’t you know it’s wrong to put worms on that hook and insert -it in a fish? - -Johnnie—These aren’t worms, but that’s what the other suckers thought. - - * * * * * - -The strength of a kiss is generally measured by its length.—Byron. - - * * * * * - - -All Some Have to Tell - -“Why is it,” asks the exchange man of The Arkansas Gazette, “that a man -rarely grows too old or too religious to get a thrill out of telling what -a devil he was in his youth?” - - * * * * * - -Man proposes, woman supposes, marriage composes and divorce exposes. - - * * * * * - - -That Waltz - -BY THE GEORGIA CRACKER - -As the music began, the lights grew soft and dim. I watched the couples -as they passed like phantoms in the darkness. - -Then I saw her, dancing with some wretched novice who could scarcely keep -on his feet. How lovely and how wretched she looked. - -“Kathleen!” I exclaimed, half aloud, and advanced. - -“May I break?” I asked, and took her into my arms. - -Her dancing—how can I describe it? She moved like some sprite—sure-footed -languorous, as light as a summer cloud. - -Drawing her to me, I suited my steps to the slow, yearning melody of -the waltz. As we glided in the semi-darkness, oblivious of the passing -couples she pressed her glowing cheek to mine and breathed quickly. - -“Oh”— - -“Sweetheart, why cannot I hold you like this forever? I feel that you are -a part of my very soul!” - -“Hold me—oh, hold me tight!” - -“I have lived always for this moment. Dearest, you are the only girl in -the whole world—you _are_ the whole world”— - -And there, our eyes closed in ecstasy, I kissed her. - -“I love you! The universe was made for the rapture of this moment. The -stars have shone in vain for ages that they might light your eyes now! -All time has been but a prelude to this second! Say you love me! Just say -it!” - -“Oh, Jimmy, you know I do!” - -“Why, Kathleen, this isn’t Jimmy!” I cried. - -“And this isn’t Kathleen,” replied the stranger. - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_Jack Tar_=—Tell her that it was a balloon. - - * * * * * - -=_Ima Frade_=—If you are gun-shy, go with a soldier, then you’ll soon get -used to having arms around you. - - * * * * * - -=_Fumey Gait_=—A bully game of cards would be Pedro. - - * * * * * - -=_Gracie_=—The mere fact that the tears run down the back of a cross-eyed -person does not indicate they have bacteria. - - * * * * * - -=_Dora Knobs_=—A cigarette and a bottle of beer are sure to make a -delightful breakfast for a lady of careless morals after a night of -arduous cavorting. - - * * * * * - -=_Tooth Ache Kid_=—When suffering from a violent toothache in the hollow -of a tooth, fill the cavity with whisky and hold there thirty seconds -with your head cocked to one side. Swallow whisky and refill cavity. -Repeat this treatment a few hundred times and if it doesn’t give relief, -try wood alcohol instead. - - * * * * * - -=_Brother Eagle_=—When suffering from exhaustion, the patient should be -put in a cool shady wine room. A Scotch and soda in a tall thin glass -with plenty of ice may be given at intervals, and should a tickling ensue -give patient pink sporting page and turn on phonograph. Continue this -treatment until patient kicks phonograph into the alley. This is what is -known as the negative test and is proof of patient’s recovery. - - * * * * * - -=_Ab. Doman_=—Yes, married men make the best husbands. - - * * * * * - -=_Kauph E. Keuler_=—If you can’t drink coffee out of a saucer without -scalding your nose, use a bowl. - - * * * * * - -=_Herr Nett_=—When you make a present to a woman, always leave the cost -tag on it; it will save her a trip downtown. - - * * * * * - -=_All Readers_=—I would like to know whether a zebra is a white animal -with black stripes or a black animal with white stripes.—=_Captain -Billy._= - - * * * * * - - -Pee-Ess - -_Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow your bootlegger may get caught._ - - - - -Whiz Bang City, Oklahoma - - -[Illustration] - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang is the first magazine to have a “city” named -after it. - -The thriving little oil town of Oklahoma has been christened Whiz Bang -City. The picture shown on this page is by courtesy of Vince Dillon, -photographer of Fairfax, Okla. Upon close examination, “kind readers” -note that all of the buildings are new and that a truck standing in -front of the garage bears the sign Nitroglycerine. However, there is no -connection between nitroglycerine and the Whiz Bang. It is true that we -have an explosion, but ours is harmless, and used to blow out the spleen -of the American human instead of Mother Earth. - -Well, anyway, folk, here’s wishing many happy days to Whiz Bang City and -its live citizens. - - - - -_Our Winter Annual_ - - -In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal -contains a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri -stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, -contains four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the -Whiz Bang and sells for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will -be cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds the greatest -collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list -are: - - Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, The - Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl - in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice - to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy - LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s Ladies, Toledo Slim. - -Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which -they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with -your check, money order or stamps. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps for $1.00 - for which please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -One dollar for the WINTER ANNUAL. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -29, January, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62279-0.txt or 62279-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/2/7/62279/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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No. 29, January 1922, by Various. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -.starbreak { - text-align: center; - clear: both; - margin: 1em auto; - letter-spacing: 2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 450%; -} - -.bbox { - page-break-before: always; - border: double; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 10%; -} - -.bold { - font-weight: bold; -} - -.box { - border: 2px solid black; - padding: 0.5em; -} - -.by { - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 130%; - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-bottom: 0.75em; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.form { - width: 100%; - border-bottom: 1px dotted; -} - -.hanging { - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.noindent { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .stanza { - margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.poetry .indent1 { - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.poetry .indent2 { - text-indent: -1em; -} - -.poetry .indent3 { - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.sans { - font-family: sans-serif; - font-weight: bold; - font-size: 90%; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.spacer { - padding-left: 5em; -} - -.u { - border-bottom: 3px solid; -} - -.w20 { - max-width: 20em; - margin: auto; -} - -.w40 { - max-width: 40em; - margin: auto; -} - -.purple { - border: double #895878; - page-break-before: always; - padding: 0.5em; - margin: auto auto 1.5em auto; -} - -.all-purple { - color: #895878; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -.blockquote { - margin: 1.5em 5%; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 29, -January, 1922, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. 29, January, 1922 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: May 29, 2020 [EBook #62279] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1922 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<h1>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. III. No. 29, January, 1922</h1> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="430" height="600" alt="Cover image" /> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-purple"> - -<h2 class="u"><i>They’re Going Fast!</i></h2> - -<p>Whiz Bang’s greatest book—The Winter Annual -Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22—hot off the -press. Orders are now being mailed. There will -be no delay as long as the supply lasts. If your -news stand’s quota is sold out—</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">PIN A DOLLAR BILL</p> - -<p class="center">Or your check, money order or stamps<br /> -To the coupon on the back page.</p> - -<p>And receive our 256-page bound volume of -jokes, jests, jingles, stories, pot pourri, mail bag -and Smokehouse poetry. The best collection ever -put in print.</p> - -<p class="center larger bold">REMEMBER, FOLK</p> - -<p>Last year our Annual (which was only one-fourth -as large as the 1921-22 book) was sold out -on the Pacific Coast within three or four days, -and not a copy could be bought anywhere in the -United States within ten days.</p> - -<p>So hurry up! First Come will be First Served!</p> - -<p>Pin your dollar bill to the coupon and mail to -the Whiz Bang Farm; Robbinsdale, Minn.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">Don’t write for early back copies of our regular issues.</p> - -<p class="center smaller bold">We haven’t any left.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> -<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" width="400" height="600" alt="Title page image" /> - -<p class="caption"><i>Captain Billy’s<br /> -Whiz Bang</i></p> - -<p class="caption"><i>America’s Magazine of<br /> -Wit, Humor and<br /> -Filosophy</i></p> - -<p class="caption">JANUARY, 1922 <span class="spacer">Vol. III. No. 29</span></p> - -<p class="caption">Published Monthly<br /> -W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2<br /> -at Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="caption">Entered as second-class matter May, 1, 1920, at the postoffice at -Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the -Act of March 3, 1879.</p> - -<p class="caption">Price 25 cents <span class="spacer">$2.50 per year</span><br /> -ONE DOLLAR FOR THE WINTER ANNUAL</p> - -<p class="caption">Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication of any part -permitted when properly credited to Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang.</p> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">“We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is -loyalty to the American people.”—Theodore Roosevelt.</p> - -<p class="center">Copyright 1922<br /> -By W. H. Fawcett</p> - -<div class="box"> - -<p>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang employs no solicitors. -Subscriptions may be received only at authorized news -stands or by direct mail to Robbinsdale. We join in no -clubbing offers, nor do we give premiums. Two-fifty a -year in advance.</p> - -</div> - -<p class="center">Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and -dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Drippings From the Fawcett</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">After an extended trip of two months, -which led me throughout the North -American continent, it was a rare treat -to settle down again to routine duties on the -Whiz Bang farm. The main street of our own -little “Gopher Prairie” looked mighty good to -a tired and worn out farmer. ’Twas indeed a -pleasure to view the Howard lumber yard, with -its red fence and shed, and to grasp the sturdy -hand of our village postmaster and storekeeper, -Bud Nasett. J. J. McCormick, who is depot -agent and telegraph operator, not to mention -baggage smasher for genial drummers, greeted -me at the station.</p> - -<p>“How are you, Bill, you old son-of-a-gun?” -or words to this effect, was the whole-hearted -way that Mac welcomed back a wayward and -prodigal pilgrim.</p> - -<p>Arm in arm we walked along Main Street -to Gus Urban’s meat market to inquire as to -the price of livestock. Mr. Urban, in his usual -jovial embonpoint manner, informed us that -cows brought five cents a pound, but that bull -was priceless. I disagreed with Gus, insisting -that my recent journeys in quest of the pedigreed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -animal had left me “flat broke.”</p> - -<p>Directly across the street, neatly encased in -imitation granite blocks of concrete, is our only -bank, the Security State of Robbinsdale—and it -hasn’t gone “bump” for nigh onto four years. -In the reorganization which followed the last -crash, Joe Roche was selected as cashier and -Joe has since successfully piloted this financial -bulwark of our happy little village. Joe also -manages the Robbinsdale baseball nine. After -making a small “touch” at the bank it was home -and the farm.</p> - -<p>My welcome back was so pleasant that the -words of that rural gem—“The Little Old Home -Town”—went Whiz-Zing through my jaded -mind.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There are fancier towns than our little town;</div> -<div class="verse">There are towns that are bigger than this,</div> -<div class="verse">And the people who live in a little old town</div> -<div class="verse">Don’t know the excitement they miss;</div> -<div class="verse">There are things that you see in the wealthier town</div> -<div class="verse">That you can’t in a town that’s small,</div> -<div class="verse">And yet, up and down, there is no other town</div> -<div class="verse">Than your own little town after all.</div> -<div class="verse">It may be true that the streets ain’t long,</div> -<div class="verse">Nor wide and maybe not straight</div> -<div class="verse">But the neighbors you know in your own little town,</div> -<div class="verse">All welcome a fellow—it’s great.</div> -<div class="verse">In the glittering streets of a glittering town,</div> -<div class="verse">With its palace and pavement and thrall;</div> -<div class="verse">In the midst of a throng you will frequently long</div> -<div class="verse">For your own little town after all.</div> -<div class="verse">If you live and you work in your own little town;</div> -<div class="verse">In spite of the fact that it’s small,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span> -<div class="verse">You’ll find it a fact that your own little town</div> -<div class="verse">Is the best little town after all.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Bobby Nelson, our neighbor’s boy, is -the worst kid in the world for betting, -and the unusual feature of it is he -usually wins. Bobby’s father took the matter -up with the school marm to see if she couldn’t -break him of the gambling habit, promising -her a reward if successful.</p> - -<p>The other morning when Bobby came to -school he wanted to bet teacher she had a wart -on her right knee and the school marm, knowing -better, and thinking she had an opportunity -to win a bet from Bobby and by so doing, discourage -his betting habit, accepted Bobby’s -challenge. After school that evening teacher -proved Bobby was wrong and won the two -dollar bet.</p> - -<p>She then called on old man Nelson.</p> - -<p>“Mr. Nelson, I have broken Bobby of the -betting habit. It was a little embarrassing, -but this is how it was—Bobby bet me two dollars -I had a wart on my right knee and in -order to make him lose and cure him of the -betting habit I accepted his challenge.”</p> - -<p>“Lady! Lady! Why did you do it? Bobby -bet me this morning ten dollars that he would -see your knee before the day was out.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">In naughty old New York you need cold cash to have -a hot time.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The other day I went to an Irish wedding -and the people who attended were very -ill mannered. Why, I never saw such -impolite people. We were all seated around -the dinner table and when they brought the -turkey in to serve, everybody made a grab for -it, but the two legs I got tasted very good.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Out in Idaho it is reported that the natives -are making booze in this manner—women -chew corn and then “gob” it into a -hollowed-out section of a tree trunk. Water is -added and the mess allowed to ferment, after -which it is imbibed to intoxication. Some drink, -we would pause to remark!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">A friend of mine told me the other night -he slept in a wagon standing in an alley, -and when he woke up in the morning he -had nothing but a dime in his pocket. He was -thirsty and he also needed a shave, so he -decided to toss the coin to see whether he would -get a shave or a drink. He tossed up the dime, -and when it came down he missed it and it -rolled near a sewer grating, coming to a -standstill just half over the edge of the grating.</p> - -<p>“Gee,” he exclaimed, “that was a close shave. -I guess I’ll get a drink.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>We asked Gus what he thought of Helen of -Troy, but he said that he had stopped running -around with those laundry girls.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Our Robbinsdale druggist insists that Minnesota -Swedes are the most advanced settlers -in this country.</p> - -<p>“Formerly we thought the Swedes were -crazy for drinking pure alcohol,” he said, “But -present day events prove them to have been -about twenty years in advance of the rest of -us.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">A stranger got off the train at our -neighboring town of Coon Creek and -went up to the town druggist and asked -for whisky.</p> - -<p>“We’re only allowed to sell spirits for -medicinal purposes,” said the druggist.</p> - -<p>“That’s what I want it for,” the stranger -insisted, “this town gives me a pain.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Djever Get Fooled?</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>A gay young bird is the Flapper, too,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>If you aren’t very careful she will surely get you.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>She is pretty and hungry, with a vampire’s thirst,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Hot Dog! Near Beer! April First!</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">On my way to the Pacific coast last month -I traded a Whiz Bang to a kid at the -depot in Fresno for a package of raisins -which the boy was selling on the depot platform. -On the way back I saw the same kid.</p> - -<p>“Say, kid, those raisins were punk.”</p> - -<p>“So was the book” he replied.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Now, Fellow Soaks, we’ll touch a few high -spots in this grand and glorious continent -as we ramble about with wry faces in -pursuit of the elusive Scotch and Bubbon. San -Diego and its fashionable suburb, Coronado, -were tough spots for a thirsty Minnesota -farmer. Nothing but a concoction commonly -called “sympathy” gin to be had by a meek and -lowly stranger. But, glory be to Mexico, Tiajuana -with its old time western bar-rooms and -music halls, is but an hour away.</p> - -<p>We spent one grand and glorious afternoon -and evening in this unique village. It reminded -me of slumming expeditions of a quarter century -ago. Visions of Omaha’s famous Arcade -at Capitol Avenue and Ninth Street, and of -Duluth’s “Minnesota Point” in its palmy days, -not to mention the cribs of Dupont Street in -Frisco, went flitting through my frappe’d brain.</p> - -<p>In one solace of joy we sat at a table for -Haig and Haig “service,” said service being delivered -by jaded janes who divided their time -between waiting on customers and jazz dancing -to the tinny tunes of a tin pan orchestra. -It was a wild place and a wild night. Later we -dined at the Sunset Inn. The inn was flanked -by rooms filled with scores of roulette wheels -and faro tables. My sporting blood surged -hither and thither but to no avail, for the -Mexican government had placed a temporary -ban on this style of gambling.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<p>Alcatraz Island, that silent citadel that -illumines the skyline of Frisco’s bay like a -bleak battleship, is the temporary home of -about five hundred United States soldiers who -have become ensnarled in the tough and tedious -red tape of Uncle Sam’s court martial system. -Prisons and morgues are two places I abhor, -but it fell my lot to visit both in one night in -San Francisco.</p> - -<p>It happened like this: While entertaining -some new found Frisco friends in my room in -the St. Francis Hotel, I was pleasantly surprised -by the head director of the Jewish Welfare -Board, Shea Swartz by name, who -requested on behalf of the Board, that my pedigreed -bunk be spread on the rocky soil of -Alcatraz. The five hundred boys gathered in -the barrack auditorium and gave the Whiz -Bang a grand and glorious welcome. It was -one of the bright lights of a very enjoyable -tour of the coast.</p> - -<p>Later in the evening, accompanied by George -Duffy and G. W. DeLano of the district attorney’s -office, we inspected the famous San -Francisco morgue. It was a gruesome visit, -I’ll admit, but some of the curse was removed -by the marvelous furniture and apparatus used -in the handling of the unfortunate.</p> - -<p>From the morgue we glimpsed a view of the -city jail, through the kind offices of Walter C.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> -Schiller, who is bond and warrant clerk in the -Hall of Justice.</p> - -<p>It was next to Chinatown where we were -met by the sergeant in charge of the Chinatown -vice squad. Two of his operatives conducted -our party through a score or more of -Chink gambling and hop joints that had -recently been raided. We sincerely thank the -squad, but regret not having seen one or two -places that had not been raided.</p> - -<p>It is the hour of dusk that Chinatown pads -to and fro noiselessly. In the little tangle of -crooked streets, blue lozenges of lights, sitting -gods and queer smells that babble of Oriental -talk is incessant at this hour. Women parade -in gaudy headdress and beads of jade. The -men wear their gaudiest silken robes. There -are dried-up men whose faces are old with the -age of eastern lore, young women who walk -with mincing steps and Oriental grace, cherry-cheeked -babies tottering uncertainly.</p> - -<p>We passed up Honolulu until later in the -year and made a transcontinental jump to New -York to try and “Get Gertie’s Garter.” Don’t -believe I’ll ever be contented “down on the -farm” after all the wonderful people and wonderful -sights of the past two months. But here -goes for Lil’ Ol’ New Yawk, as seen through -the eyes of a farmer.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Blistering Broadway</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">In the old days we used to hear startling -tales of the decadence of the Paris -theatre. It is no longer necessary to cross -the pond to have one’s aesthetic (?) senses -stirred. The New York stage will do it for you -this season. Right behind the Broadway footlights -you can see everything done in the name -of Art from witnessing a young lady actually -climb in a bed already occupied by a male to -observing a squad of girls play strip poker -until—</p> - -<p>But let us go back to the beginning. They -say that it is a dull season in New York and -that no one is spending money—at least for -theatre tickets. Hence the frantic effort to -whet the jaded appetites of the elusive theatre-goers.</p> - -<p>Let us list some of the more sprightly attractions. -Bear in mind that some of them -have excellent qualities. There is, for instance, -Somerset Maugham’s “The Circle,” telling of -an old couple who have broken all the conventions -and of a younger couple about to follow -in their footsteps. It is told with lively cleverness. -No, indeed, the young people do not find<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span> -a moral in the experiences of their elders. At -the end they dash away to investigate the -illicit love-in-a-cottage stuff themselves and -Mr. Maugham points out that in life it doesn’t -matter “what you do as much as what you are.” -And also that “you can do anything in this -world if you’re prepared to take the consequences -and consequences depend on character.” -All of which is excellent mental food for the -1921 flapper.</p> - -<p>Then there is Cosmo Hamilton’s “The Silver -Fox,” a little epic of a philandering wife with -a penchant for young men and abbreviated -socks. Clever, too, but decadent.</p> - -<p>Also we might note “Ambush,” the opus of -a young woman who likes pretty things and -who is aided and abetted by her mother. Papa -is a poor commuter who wakes up when -daughter introduces a flip and married gentleman -friend. When he protests, daughter slaps -his face and snaps “Damn you!” Still, there -is some excuse for “Ambush.” At least it is -well written.</p> - -<p>Here we turn to the plain every day efforts -to be insolently sensational at any price.</p> - -<p>“Getting Gertie’s Garter” (note the chaste -title), was one of the earliest of the sexly -stimulants. But garters have lost their vogue -and, anyway, the short skirts have ruined their -novelty. So the piece did not seriously upset -New York.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<p>Then there’s “Lilies of the Field,” for instance, -a demi-mondaine treatise anent certain -lilies who “toil not neither do they spin,” or -however it was that the Good Book let down -the gold diggers of the old days. This is especially -recommended for the eighteen-year-old -flapper.</p> - -<p>With which we arrive at the real blush -producers of the year. Consider “Bluebeard’s -Eighth Wife.” Here a young woman, newly -married, invites her old sweetheart to her -boudoir at midnight, gets him squiffy and persuades -him to undress and climb into bed. -And undress he does, right down to his B. V. -D.’s in front of the footlights, the appreciative -heroine and the audience. Said heroine then -clambers in—and friend husband appears. Yes, -it’s all to teach hubby a lesson (one must make -some concession to the police) and the B. V. D. -person gets the air.</p> - -<p>Broadway had been busily getting out its -shekels to see Bluebeard and the B. V. D. youth -when along came Avery Hopwood’s “The Demi-Virgin.” -Now, Mr. Hopwood’s demi-virgin is -not the demi-vierge of the French, from whom -the noun comes. Since this is a family paper, -we will explain demi-vierge as a young and -ambitious lady who is broadminded up to a -certain point. Mr. Hopwood’s heroine, however, -is a movie queen who deserts her husband, -another movie idol, on their wedding night.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -Although the husband finally succeeds in -capturing his demi-wife in her boudoir and -thereupon starts out to—well—anyway the real -incident of the piece is the aforementioned -strip poker party, where a half dozen film -fillies discard garment after garment in a game -designed to be thrilling. It isn’t a mere strip -poker party but a “strip cupid” affair, the first -to arrive at the cupid state to be the winner—or -loser. The game progresses until it is a -mere matter of a card’s turn who is to be cupid -when, of course, the thing is ended.</p> - -<p>This, then, is the state of the New York -stage at this moment. Meanwhile, film fans -see life on the screen through the eyes of little -Rollo while, just around the corner, six young -women are in the act of taking off their pink -envelope thing-ums while an appreciative audience -applauds. Not, of course, that we’re for -censorship anywhere. But the New York stage -producer seems to be able to get away with -anything.</p> - -<p>It is making it awfully hard for the musical -comedy producer. Years ago he reached a certain -limit in bare revelations and now the -drama comes along and wins away the tired -business man. Of course, the musical comedy -maker isn’t giving up without a fight. Now -and then he has an inspiration, as when, in the -new Greenwich Village Follies, he reveals a -lady to personify Art dressed exclusively in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> -three golden leaves, each placed with fine discernment -and discretion.</p> - -<p>The next step on the New York stage will -probably come when the musical comedy producer -raises—or lowers—his limit. Despite our -youth, we can recall—vividly—when he made -the step from tights and stockings to bare legs, -the only thing left is for him to ape the -Parisian producer and have costumes stop their -upward trend at the waist. We shall see, we -shall see!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hibrow Column</h3> - -<p>Speaking about high-brow poetry, we have -from the Saturday Evening Post (page 26, -October 15th), real classy lyrics on how to eat -or drink something. The poem isn’t quite clear -as to whether Mr. Bloodgood was eating a -rotten apple or merely taking a shot of moonshine, -but anyway, it’s high-brow stuff—</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I love the loathsome!</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Delicious half-ripe rottenness.</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>I dream deliciously</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>As it slips</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>So soothfully</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Down my grateful</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Amorous throat.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pathfinder Pulls This</h3> - -<p>The prisoner threw the magazines across his -cell in disgust and swore eloquently. “Nothin’ -but continued stories,” he raged, “an’ I’m to be -hanged next Tuesday.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Reversed English</h3> - -<p>Three southern gents of color were engaged -in an argument.</p> - -<p>First Darkey—“My wife is some cook!”</p> - -<p>Second Darkey—“My wife is not much of a -cook, but she is some wash-woman.”</p> - -<p>Third Darkey—“My wife is not much of a -wash-woman and no cook, but she shuh can -kiss!”</p> - -<p>First Darkey—“She can, she can!”</p> - -<p>Third Darkey—“Wat’s dat?”</p> - -<p>First Darkey—“Can she? Can she?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“That helps a good deal,” remarked the -poker player as he drew the fourth ace.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Watch ’em Run</h3> - -<p>Sportsman (to friend at track meet)—“So -you like to watch the runners, old man?”</p> - -<p>Sport—“Yes, I surely do. That plump girl -over there has two in one stocking.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Stop That, Horace!</h3> - -<p>“What’s all that growling I hear?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, that’s the ‘Hot Dog’ I just ate.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Courtroom Pot Pourri</h3> - -<p>They just caught Roy Gardner!</p> - -<p>Where was he standing?</p> - -<p>On Hightower watching Fatty Arbuckle before -he visited Richmond, Virginia.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Towser Likes His Morsel</h3> - -<p>The man getting his hair cut noticed that -the barber’s dog, which was lying on the floor -beside the chair, had his eyes fixed on his master -at work. “Nice dog that,” said the customer.</p> - -<p>“He is, sir.”</p> - -<p>“He seems very fond of watching you cut -hair.”</p> - -<p>“It ain’t that, sir,” explained the barber. -“You see, sometimes I make a mistake and snip -off a little bit of a customer’s ear.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Tit-Bit</h3> - -<p>It was washing day and John had been kept -from school to look after the baby. Mother -sent him into the garden to play, but it was -not long before cries disturbed her. “John, -what is the matter with baby now?” she inquired -from her wash-tub.</p> - -<p>“I don’t know what to do with him, mother,” -replied John. “He’s dug a hole and wants to -bring it into the house.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Misplaced Vertebra</h3> - -<p>Here’s a good story on a Minneapolis chiropractor. -He started his treatment on the new -patient by rubbing his back. Then he turned -the patient over and applied the treatment in -front. The patient stood the tickling as long -as he could, then with a look of content in his -eyes he sez, “Kiss me, Doc.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Charlie’s Delicate Habits</h3> - -<p>A nice young man called on a nice young -lady and spent the evening recently. When he -arrived there was not a cloud in the sky, so he -carried no umbrella and wore no goloshes nor -mackintosh. At 10:00 o’clock when he arose to -go, it was raining pitchforks and grindstones.</p> - -<p>“My, my, my!” said the nice young lady, “if -you go out in this storm you will catch your -death of cold.”</p> - -<p>“I’m afraid I might,” was the trembling -answer.</p> - -<p>“Well, I’ll tell you what—stay all night; you -can have Tom’s room, as he is visiting uncle -and aunt up in the country. Yes, occupy Tom’s -room. Excuse me a minute, and I’ll just run -up and see if it’s in order.”</p> - -<p>The young lady fled gracefully upstairs to -see if any tidying was necessary. In five minutes -she came down to announce that the room -was in readiness, but no Charles was in sight. -In a very few minutes, however, he appeared, -dripping wet and out of breath from running -and with a bundle in a newspaper under his -arm.</p> - -<p>The nice young lady greeted him with: -“Why, Charles, where have you been?”</p> - -<p>“Been home after my night shirt,” was his -reply, as he hung his hat up to drip.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>That train smokes a lot.</p> - -<p>Yes, and choos, too.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Questions and Answers</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is the Goozes Pimple -Glide dance?—<b><i>Washer Iggle</i></b>.</p> - -<p>This is done in the following manner: While -stepping on the ballroom floor with your partner -keep time with the music by stroking her -bare arm with the front and back (alternately) -of your hand.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—What is meant by “A -man ahead of the time?”—<b><i>V. Havan Oisteh.</i></b></p> - -<p>The fellow who carries his watch in his hip -pocket.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—While crossing from Key -West to Havana on one of the gin rickey boats -I noticed a streak of oil on the water. Could -you tell me what that was from?—<b><i>S. Lopp -Boal.</i></b></p> - -<p>Oh, that’s where the road went across the ice -last winter.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—We are going to give a cleaning-shower -for a bride-to-be. Can you suggest -an appropriate gift?—<b><i>Mid Riff.</i></b></p> - -<p>A bath mitt.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap’n</i></b>—I am giving a home-brew party -to some jolly boys and girls. What is the -proper hour to have the musicians play “Home -Sweet Home?”—<b><i>Roll Myowne.</i></b></p> - -<p>Just before half pash stew.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—I am alone a great deal at -night and am afraid. Can you suggest some -kind of protection?—<b><i>Belle R. Peeling.</i></b></p> - -<p>Take the bark of a dogwood tree and leave -it outside your bedroom door.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap.</i></b>—Can you suggest some inexpensive -amusement that I might indulge in when -my husband is away?—<b><i>Dottie.</i></b></p> - -<p>Take a bath and then spend half an hour or -so playfully trying to locate the soap.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap’n Billy</i></b>—I have just purchased -several new gowns and no one seems to notice -them. What can I do?—<b><i>Ophelia Bumpus.</i></b></p> - -<p>Try standing on a street corner with a tin -cup in your hand and wear a sign “I am dumb.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Cap. Billy</i></b>—How can I cure my husband’s -hiccups?—<b><i>Ada Banana.</i></b></p> - -<p>Don’t try. It is a mark of distinction.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain</i></b>—When my husband takes me -to a dance he prefers to jazz with all the girls -except me. What can I do?—<b><i>Gladys Swetz.</i></b></p> - -<p>Make him wear shoulder braces.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—In all your travels, where -did you receive the most hospitality?—<b><i>Al Hambra.</i></b></p> - -<p>It was when in California. A gentleman -called me into his room, handed me a goblet in -one hand and a demijohn in the other and -turned his back.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Capt. Billy</i></b>—My dearest boy friend -jilted me and now refuses to marry me. Please -give me your best dope.—<b><i>Sally Patica.</i></b></p> - -<p>Dear Sally—Always hate him and bring -your children up the same way.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dear Captain Billy</i></b>—I am fondly in love -with a young girl in our town, but also have -strong sympathies for a dashing grass widow -of thirty. My age, too, is thirty, and I would -like your advice as to whom I should consider -seriously.—<b><i>Gloomy Gus.</i></b></p> - -<p>Always deal with an old established firm, -young man.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Story With Teeth In It</h3> - -<p>Pat and Mike hesitated at the gate of the -home they intended to rob, because of a barking -dog.</p> - -<p>“Go head, Mike,” said Pat, “You know a -barking dog never bites.”</p> - -<p>“Maybe so,” replied Mike, “you know that -and I know it, but the dang dog doesn’t -know it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Dusky Diana’s Devotion</h3> - -<p>Pounding on the door of the attractive -mulatto girl, the soldier bid fair to rouse the -entire neighborhood, till a head was thrust out -of an upstairs window and a voice cautiously -asked:</p> - -<p>“Hush up dar, yo’ soldier! What yo’ want?”</p> - -<p>“Wanta come in,” hiccupped the warrior, -who had evidently left the shrine of Bacchus -to worship at that of Venus.</p> - -<p>“H’m! Does yo’ b’long to de United States -Marines?”</p> - -<p>“Nope; but wanta come in.”</p> - -<p>“Does yo’ b’long to de Third Massachusetts?”</p> - -<p>“Nope.”</p> - -<p>“To the Second Noo Hampshires?”</p> - -<p>“Nope.”</p> - -<p>“To the Fourf Noo York?”</p> - -<p>“Nope; but wanta come in, all the same.”</p> - -<p>“Well, yo’ can just go away fum dar, yo’ -triflin soldier; I’se a very partickler woman, I -is.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Oh, Mother, Lookit Daughter!</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">S ... is for the shortness of their length,</div> -<div class="verse">K ... is for the knees which we see,</div> -<div class="verse">I ... is for inches, 20 above ground,</div> -<div class="verse">R ... is for regions dear to me.</div> -<div class="verse">T ... is for thin, transparent,</div> -<div class="verse">S ... is for the shapes we see,</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse indent3">Oh! may short skirts live on forever,</div> -<div class="verse indent3">In this sweet land of liberty.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Press Agent Stuff</h3> - -<p>The selection of the Cast for “Why Change -Your Beeveedees?” the snappy cinema spectacle -which the management of the Snore-On Theatre -has been persuaded to show commencing -today, was a task calling forth all the brains -of that superior author-scenarist-director-producer, -Whatin L. Isit. The difficulty lay in -getting a star acceptable alike to the garment -workers, buttonhole makers, laundry operators -and health authorities.</p> - -<p>M. T. Dome, who plays the leading male role -in Wanta Daddy’s latest paramour picture, -“The Questionable Residence,” adapted from -Gimm E. Vice’s play by Seena Lott, is the -newest addition to Hollywood’s film colony. -Dome came all the way from New York to -California just to play the part of Powerful -Percy the Panderer’s Pal in the picture. He -was last seen on the screen as Glorious Love’s -leading man in “The Passionate Plumber.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Indignation Personified</h3> - -<p>Brother Toole of the Kablegram writes: “I -had all kinds of trouble at the Blank Hotel last -night. It was the first time I ever stopped -there. When I returned from the theatre, I -found that the clerk had put two women in my -room. I went downstairs and raised all kinds -of trouble about it. I couldn’t do a thing with -the manager at first—but finally he put one of -the women out.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Guy Who Kin Sling It</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Walter Wolf</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Some fellers er allus a spoutin’</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Bout the coin they used to make.</div> -<div class="verse">Like the girl thets allus a shoutin,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Bout the good pies she kin bake.</div> -<div class="verse">Now the feller thets allus made the dough</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Should git credit fer Mary’s pies,</div> -<div class="verse">But how do it come, I’d like t’ know—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">That this feller gits by with so many lies.</div> -<div class="verse">The guy he meets Mary an he shoots his bazoo,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Then suddenly ther married and I’ll leave it to you—</div> -<div class="verse">If the guy who kin sling it aint the guy thet gits by—</div> -<div class="verse indent1">An allus gits the best uv the girls home-made pies.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>In Deah Old Hingland</h3> - -<p>Rough-neck Western Yankee—Watcher principal -trees here in England?</p> - -<p>English Cockney—Hoak, helm and hash.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Last Waltz</h3> - -<p>They had met at a dance, he and she. He -had wooed and won her while dancing to jazz -harmony, that’s why they were all “jazzed” up -now. She got to shaking her shoulders, so he -“shook” her for good and got a divorce. Now -they’re apart and do their dancing with -different partners. She gets stepped on and he -steps on others. Some day when “Home Sweet -Home” is played they will wander home -together again and call it “The Last Waltz.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“My wife,” said the henpecked one, “is a -woman of few words—but she uses them over -and over again.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Whizzical Whams</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Whursmuhwhiski.</p> - -<p>I stopped in a Music Store the other day, -and while looking around, I saw a stack of sheet -music called “Toyland Sketches.” The first -one I noticed was called “The Arrival of the -Teddy Bears.” Needless to say, I didn’t look -any further.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Roses are red, violets are blue,</div> -<div class="verse">My roll is dwindling, since I met you.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Would “When Mother Plays a Rag On the -Sewing Machine,” necessarily be a sister song -to “When Father Plays a Chord On the Wood-pile?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hymn 999</h3> - -<p>Tenant (to janitor)—What was all that -cursing and swearing going on Sunday morning?</p> - -<p>Janitor—Oh, that was Mrs. McFadden. She -was going to church and she couldn’t find her -prayer book.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Old Friend Sal</h3> - -<p>How did Sal treat you?</p> - -<p>Sal who?</p> - -<p>Sal Hepatica.</p> - -<p>Oh, she worked me to a frazzle.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Oh, Ralph, I haven’t a thing to wear.”</p> - -<p>“’S’all right. I’ve a Sedan.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>It Cannot Vas</h3> - -<p>Ikey—Papa I’m in lof. Ain’t it a fine feelings?</p> - -<p>Papa—Dat’s nice, Ikey; who is de goil?</p> - -<p>Ikey—Ah papa, she’s a peaches and cream. -She’s good looking, she’s a good housekeeper, -her papa’s got lots of money and—</p> - -<p>Papa—Vat’s her name, Ikey?</p> - -<p>Ikey—Alma Rosenbloom, ain’t she a daisy?</p> - -<p>Papa—You mean de clothing man’s daughtair?</p> - -<p>Ikey—Dat’s de goil, papa. How do you like -it?</p> - -<p>Papa—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it cannot vas.</p> - -<p>Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why?</p> - -<p>Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man -I was married before and Alma Rosenbloom -iss your sistair.</p> - -<p>After a lapse of time Ikey comes in again, -all smiles and joyfully greets his father with -the announcement—</p> - -<p>Papa, I’m in lof again.</p> - -<p>Papa (anxiously)—Who iss de goil dis time?</p> - -<p>Ikey—Ah she’s a fine buxoms, she’s a good -musician, she can cook, she’s good looking, her -papa’s got lots of money, and—</p> - -<p>Papa—Ikey, tell your papa, who is de goil?</p> - -<p>Ikey—It’s Rosa Lipshuts.</p> - -<p>Papa—You mean de pawnbroker’s daughtair?</p> - -<p>Ikey—Dat’s de baby, ain’t she a fine catches?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<p>Papa (shaking his head in the negative)—Ikey, -I’m very sorry but it cannot vas.</p> - -<p>Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why it cannot -vas?</p> - -<p>Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man -I vas married twice and Rosa Lipshuts iss your -sistair also.</p> - -<p>At this Ikey could no longer contain himself -and gave vent to his feelings in an outburst -of boo-hooing. To hide his disappointment -he sought refuge in his room where his -mother, attracted by his sobs, came to console -him.</p> - -<p>Mama—Ikey, for vhy are you crying?</p> - -<p>Ikey—Oh, mama it’s too terrible, it’s too -terrible.</p> - -<p>Mama—Tell your mama, Ikey, for vhy do you -cry?</p> - -<p>Ikey did.</p> - -<p>Mama (patting her boy on the head)—Dat’s -all right, Ikey. You go an marry de goil. She’s -a good goil, she’s got lots of money, and—</p> - -<p>Ikey (between sobs)—But, mama, it cannot -vas.</p> - -<p>Mama—Yes, it can vas, Ikey. You see ven -a young goil I vas married before also and your -papa is not your fathair.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Latest Movie Title</h3> - -<p><i>THE BATTLE OF GARTER RUN.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Her Sprinkling System</h3> - -<p>The architect was standing before one of -his newly completed creations. Its mistress, -plentifully sprinkled with diamonds at eleven -in the morning, turned to him and said:</p> - -<p>“It’s grand, and I’ve just decided not to -employ a landscape gardener. I know just what -I want myself. Banked up right against the -porch there I want a real thick border—now -what is that name? You know; those bright -red flowers that look so dressy—yes; now I -have it—saliva.”</p> - -<p>The architect was staggered for a moment, -but soon recovered and came back enthusiastically.</p> - -<p>“The very thing,” he agreed. “And right -in front a nice row of spitunians.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Dark—Going to the dance tonight, Sam?</p> - -<p>Darker—Naw, I ain’t got any razor.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>William Tell O’Toole</h3> - -<p>Clancy chuckled.</p> - -<p>“What’s the joke?” asked Mooney.</p> - -<p>“Sure,” replied Clancy, “Casey bet me ten -dollars he could shoot a peanut off my head -with a shot gun and oi took him up because oi -knew he’d miss it.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>He wouldn’t supporter, so she stole his -suspenders.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Hollywood Flirtations</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Little Shannon Day, a Ziegfeld -Folly girl, is out west playing in a Lasky -picture. Monte Katterjohn, Lasky scenario -writer has been seen with Miss Shannon -very frequently during the past two years, both -in New York and in Hollywood. He went so -far as to take her to a formal Authors League -Dinner last year and the speeches and the minutes -of the meeting and the pleas for unpaid -dues were such a tax on Shannon’s mind that -she was caught dropping off to sleep many -times before the tiresome evening was over. “I -can’t see nothing to authors” quotes Shannon -as she smoothes a new dress which Mamma -Dolly of the famous Dolly Sisters team made -for her just before she left New York.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">While Geraldine Farrar stayed in Southern -California last month, fulfilling her -concert engagements she kept herself -much secluded in her bungalow at the Hotel -Maryland in Pasadena. Her parents were with -her. Many of her former friends in the film -colony attempted to see her in vain and it is -surmised that Miss Farrar wished to keep to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> -herself until the matter of her pending divorce -from Lou Tellegen has either been granted or -repatched.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">The weekly calendar of a well known -church in Los Angeles printed the following -questions soon after the Arbuckle -affair spread itself forth in the newspapers:</p> - -<p>“What would you do if you were in Mr. -Arbuckle’s predicament?”</p> - -<p>“Is this a day of judgment for the movies?”</p> - -<p>“Was Miss Virginia Rappe of aristocratic -blood?”</p> - -<p>“How much do we know of Henry Lehrman, -the lover of Miss Rappe?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Another wedding in the Pickford family -is predicted. It is whispered that Lottie -Pickford is soon to marry Alan Forrest, -popular and handsome young leading man of -the films. Lottie Pickford was formerly Mrs. -Rupp, wife of a Los Angeles broker, whom she -divorced about two years ago.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>She Had Mud On Her Shoes</h3> - -<p>He (driving up to the curb)—Hello, little -girl, wanta go for a ride?</p> - -<p>Sweet Thing—Nothing doing, I’m walking -home from one now.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>She—“I wish God had made me a boy.”</p> - -<p>He—“He did. I’m he.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Old Stuff</h3> - -<p>A stranger, walking along the road, passed -an old darkey. He began talking with him and -found out that he had known George Washington.</p> - -<p>“I suppose you remember when Washington -crossed the Delaware?” he asked.</p> - -<p>“’Deed, boss, I steered dat boat,” was the -reply.</p> - -<p>“And do you remember when he took a hack -at that cherry tree?”</p> - -<p>“’Deed I do,” the darkey replied, “’case I -drove that hack myself.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Rastus Johnsing Says</h3> - -<p>Ah’s so tough ah scratches de enamel off -de tub when ah takes a bafth.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Sing It In High Tenor</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Darling, put your arms around me,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Oh, for heaven’s sake!</div> -<div class="verse">Ain’t you awfully glad you found me?</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Oh, for heaven’s sake!</div> -<div class="verse">Am I not your little beauty?</div> -<div class="verse">Are you not my little cutie?</div> -<div class="verse">Kiss me, kiss me, Sweet Patootie,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Oh, for heaven’s sake!”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Thousands of lonely women are staring at -faded photographs when they might be kissing -the faces of children.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Whiz Bang Editorials</i></h2> - -<p class="by">“<i>The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet.</i>”</p> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Jazz life seems to agree with Americans. -We not only live faster than our great- -grandparents, but, on the average, we also -live eight years longer. So says the Census -Bureau.</p> - -<p>Some day the centenarian will be the rule, -not the exception. That will come as a result -of health education, not from eating monkey -glands.</p> - -<p>A popular song had this refrain: “He may -be old, but he’s got young ideas.” That appealed -to popular fancy because it caught the subconscious -mind, which probably knew what the -census now reports:</p> - -<p>That marriages of persons beyond fifty -years of age are steadily increasing in numbers, -already being frequent. Out of 100 American -men and women, 80 are married before -they reach 45, while 10 take the leap afterward -and 10 remain single.</p> - -<p>Divorces among those who have passed 45 -are also becoming more common. This, however, -is not making us a cynical people, for the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span> -census finds that the majority of divorced -people try marriage at least a second time, -many making three or four ventures.</p> - -<p>Figures—which never lie, though liars often -figure—show that the span of life is lengthening -during the Jazz Age.</p> - -<p>The strain at times gets on our nerves. Frequently -one of the contestants howls and goes -to pieces. But, on the average, the real effects -of the Jazz Age will not show up until our -descendants of one hundred years or more -hence.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>They Named the Soap After Him</h3> - -<div class="blockquote smaller"> - -<p><i>In Dr. W. A. Evans’ column in the Minneapolis Journal, -“A. G. M.” writes, under the heading of the Artistic Sex</i>:</p> - -<p>“I have a son, seventeen years old, who is and has -been for ten years, obsessed with a strange desire. He -wants and feels that he ought to be a girl. Ever since -he was seven years old, and probably before, although I -had never noticed it, he has thought of himself as a girl, -acted like one, desired to be regarded as a girl, and has, -whenever he could worn girls’ clothing.</p> - -<p>“His mother and I had a terrific struggle to allow his -hair to be cut like a boys’, when he was six or seven -years old. He withstood us until he was nearly ten, -when, for the sake of peace, he consented to have it -bobbed. Up to that time he had worn it in a great mass -of curls, away down over his shoulders, regardless of the -ridicule of his playmates. He wore his hair bobbed until -two years ago, when he finally had it cut after a fashion -similar to other boys. This is just one incident, but it -may serve to show you something of his frame of mind.</p> - -<p>“He attended a gymnasium class until he was fourteen, -and he invariably wore bloomers and a bow of ribbon in -his hair.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> - -<p>“In fact, he is far more at home in girls’ clothing -than he is in boys’, for he has always insisted on wearing -dresses and gowns when in the house. His bedroom -is a real girl’s boudoir, with dressing table, powder puff, -etc. He has as few boys’ clothes as he can get along with -for going out. Playing with dolls was his favorite amusement -until he was about thirteen. He is about five feet -eleven and one-half inches tall, good looking and possessed -of a remarkably good mind. He never has given any -signs of mental deficiency, unless you term what I have -above described as mental deficiency, or rather insanity. -I would be grateful if you would tell me your opinion.”</p> - -<p><i>(Dr. Evans’ answer): This is a case of third or intermediate -sexism. You will find a fair amount of literature -on the subject. Such subjects are not in any sense feeble-minded. -In fact, many of them are exceptionally bright. -As a rule the stage, music or painting offers the best fields -for men and women of this group.</i></p></div> - -<p>Wonder what our friends of the theatre -think of Dr. Evans’ advice? Probably they -would feel the same way as the Army officials -felt towards certain chiefs of police who -paroled the bums and the crooks on condition -they join the Army.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Blank Verse</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Never get too intimate</div> -<div class="verse">With your friends,</div> -<div class="verse">They may some day</div> -<div class="verse">Be your enemies;</div> -<div class="verse">Never be too hard</div> -<div class="verse">On your enemies,</div> -<div class="verse">They may some day</div> -<div class="verse">Be your friends.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Smokehouse Poetry</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><i>Dear folk: We have some dandy stuff in store for you. -Among the masters who are writing for Whiz Bang the -coming year are J. Eugene Chrisman, author of “Poppies, -Hell,” with his “Chi Slim,” “Keyhole Stuff” and others; -H. A. D’Arcy, author of “The Face Upon the Floor” with -his “Trapper’s Story,” “Charlie Wong” and others; Frank -B. Lindeman, the prospector-poet with his ode “To a Mountain -Rat” and others; and last but not least, some almost -forgotten masterpieces of James Whitcomb Riley, whose -“Passing of the Old Smokehouse,” was one of the many hits -of our Winter Annual, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Blanket Stiff</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Gifford and Whitney.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The Western trail is a gittin’ dim;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">The Sage-brush seems unreal;</div> -<div class="verse">My insides’re weak and gittin’ slim.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Sure wished I had a meal.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">My feet are growin’ weary;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">My head is hangin’ low;</div> -<div class="verse">My eyes are a lookin’ teary.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Gawd! But it’s hard to go.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There’s two thousand ties to a mile,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And fifty more miles to go.</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve counted those ties with a smile,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Keeps time from a goin’ so slow.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Now—they seem a mile apart.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I can’t help feelin’ cold.</div> -<div class="verse">Got an achin’ down around my heart</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I guess—I’m a gettin’—old.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Know what the gangs a doin’ now,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">Way down in Elephant Slough.</div> -<div class="verse">They’re sittin’ around a can o’ chow</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Helpin’ themselves tuh stew.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I kid myself, I ain’t et fer a week,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">But I know it’s dang sight more.</div> -<div class="verse">My throat is dry—my insides squeak—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I’m hungry—clean to th’ core.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I ain’t th’ kind that’ll stoop to yell,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">When bad luck comes my way.</div> -<div class="verse">I’ve lived and sinned. I’m bound for Hell.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">But—guess—I’ll kneel and pray.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The Bo got down on rough worn ties;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Lifted his head in prayer,</div> -<div class="verse">And knelt there pleading to the skies—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">A whistle sounded through the air.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The Hobo heard and tried to rise,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Saw the train comin’ fast.</div> -<div class="verse">His muscles failed—and from the ties,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He welcomed this—the last.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">It’s only a blanket—stiff ye hit,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Sent another bum to Hell.</div> -<div class="verse">Had I better report on it?</div> -<div class="verse indent2">I guess I might as well.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">No, Con, don’t make out no report.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Let’s plant him by the steel.</div> -<div class="verse">The Bum’s bound for an unknown port,</div> -<div class="verse indent2">And tracks will make it real.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The Western trail is a gittin’ black.</div> -<div class="verse indent2">It’s time we moved along.</div> -<div class="verse">They buried him beside the track—</div> -<div class="verse indent2">The hot western wind for the psalm.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The Bo woke up in a nice white gown;</div> -<div class="verse indent2">Clean, just like he’d had a bath.</div> -<div class="verse">Instead of the ties that held him down</div> -<div class="verse indent2">He followed a golden path.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Girl From Over “There”</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Budd L. McKillips</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A pistol shot, a darting pain</div> -<div class="verse">Like red-hot needles through her brain,</div> -<div class="verse">And ere the smoke cleared from the room</div> -<div class="verse">Another soul groped through the gloom.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">With fleeting glance the policemen came</div> -<div class="verse">Looked through her purse, took down her name;</div> -<div class="verse">Reporters never wondered why</div> -<div class="verse">Or reasoned how she came to die.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In silent morgue, somber and drab—</div> -<div class="verse">With folded hands, on sheeted slab—</div> -<div class="verse">No mourners crowded ’round her bier</div> -<div class="verse">To say a prayer or shed a tear.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Yet scarce a week before and she</div> -<div class="verse">Had smiled and looked on life with glee</div> -<div class="verse">Dreamed dreams of everlasting bliss</div> -<div class="verse">And reveled in her lover’s kiss.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">His mistress? yes but oft he’d said</div> -<div class="verse">He loved her madly, soon they’d wed;</div> -<div class="verse">Love-blind she hung on every word</div> -<div class="verse">While ugly rumors went unheard.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then came the day which like a thief</div> -<div class="verse">Stole joy and filled her heart with grief;</div> -<div class="verse">Cursed by the man she called her own,</div> -<div class="verse">She woke to find her dreams had flown.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Tired of his toy he now defamed</div> -<div class="verse">And thrust her from him, unashamed,</div> -<div class="verse">To find refuge among her kind;</div> -<div class="verse">Then went to meet his latest find.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Black as the night from pole to pole</div> -<div class="verse">The world seemed to her aching soul;</div> -<div class="verse">With heart bowed down and racked with pain</div> -<div class="verse">She sent a bullet through her brain.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">In restaurant where bright lights shine</div> -<div class="verse">A man laughs loud, made gay with wine</div> -<div class="verse">He beams on one with youth abloom—</div> -<div class="verse">The fairest creature in the room.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The violins wail and cymbals clash,</div> -<div class="verse">The dancers whirl and diamonds flash;</div> -<div class="verse">His heart is light and free of care</div> -<div class="verse">As tambos beat and trombones blare.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Forgotten is the long ago,</div> -<div class="verse">The whispered love-words, soft and low</div> -<div class="verse">Each word a lie, each kiss a snare</div> -<div class="verse">For her long since passed over “there.”</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Unnoticed by the merry crowd</div> -<div class="verse">A figure enters clad in shroud,</div> -<div class="verse">Her ghastly face a lurid glow—</div> -<div class="verse">The dead girl’s face of long ago.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The music stops, unseen she flits</div> -<div class="verse">To where a laughing couple sits</div> -<div class="verse">A choking shriek, a gasp for breath—</div> -<div class="verse">A man lies still and stark in death.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">A hush falls o’er the crowded room</div> -<div class="verse">There comes a breath as from a tomb—</div> -<div class="verse">The eyes now set in glassy stare</div> -<div class="verse">Had seen the face from over “there.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Ballad of Yukon Jake</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By Edward E. Paramore, Jr.</p> - -<p class="center"><i>As originally published in Vanity Fair.</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Oh the North Countree is a hard countree</div> -<div class="verse">That mothers a bloody brood;</div> -<div class="verse">And its icy arms hold hidden charms</div> -<div class="verse">For the greedy, the sinful and lewd.</div> -<div class="verse">And strong men rust, from the gold and the lust</div> -<div class="verse">That sears the Northland soul,</div> -<div class="verse">But the wickedest born, from the Pole to the Horn,</div> -<div class="verse">Is the Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Now Jacob Kaime was the Hermit’s name,</div> -<div class="verse">In the days of his pious youth,</div> -<div class="verse">Ere he cast a smirch on the Baptist church</div> -<div class="verse">By betraying a girl named Ruth.</div> -<div class="verse">But now men quake at “Yukon Jake,”</div> -<div class="verse">The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal,</div> -<div class="verse">For that is the name that Jacob Kaime</div> -<div class="verse">Is known by from Nome to the Pole.</div> -<div class="verse">He was just a boy and the parson’s joy</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">(Ere he fell for the gold and the muck),</div> -<div class="verse">And had learned to pray, with the hogs and the hay</div> -<div class="verse">On a farm near Keokuk.</div> -<div class="verse">But a Service tale of illicit kale—</div> -<div class="verse">And whiskey and women wild—</div> -<div class="verse">Drained the morals clean as a soup-tureen</div> -<div class="verse">From this poor but honest child.</div> -<div class="verse">He longed for the bite of a Yukon night</div> -<div class="verse">And the Northern Light’s weird flicker,</div> -<div class="verse">Or a game of stud in the frozen mud,</div> -<div class="verse">And the taste of raw red licker.</div> -<div class="verse">He wanted to mush along in the slush,</div> -<div class="verse">With a team of huskie hounds,</div> -<div class="verse">And to fire his gat at a beaver hat</div> -<div class="verse">And knock it out of bounds.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">So he left his home for the hell-town Nome,</div> -<div class="verse">On Alaska’s ice-ribbed shores,</div> -<div class="verse">And he learned to curse and to drink, and worse—</div> -<div class="verse">Till the rum dripped from his pores,</div> -<div class="verse">When the boys on a spree were drinking it free</div> -<div class="verse">In a Malamute saloon</div> -<div class="verse">And Dan Megrew and his dangerous crew</div> -<div class="verse">Shot craps with the piebald coon;</div> -<div class="verse">When the Kid on his stool banged away like a fool</div> -<div class="verse">At a jag-time melody</div> -<div class="verse">And the barkeep vowed, to the hardboiled crowd,</div> -<div class="verse">That he’d cree-mate Sam McGee—</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Then Jacob Kaime, who had taken the name</div> -<div class="verse">Of Yukon Jake, the Killer,</div> -<div class="verse">Would rake the dive with his forty-five</div> -<div class="verse">Till the atmosphere grew chiller.</div> -<div class="verse">With a sharp command he’d make ’em stand</div> -<div class="verse">And deliver their hard-earned dust,</div> -<div class="verse">Then drink the bar dry, of rum and rye,</div> -<div class="verse">As a Klondike bully must.</div> -<div class="verse">Without coming to blows he would tweak the nose</div> -<div class="verse">Of Dangerous Dan Megrew,</div> -<div class="verse">And becoming bolder, throw over his shoulder</div> -<div class="verse">The lady that’s known as Lou.</div> -<div class="verse">Oh, tough as a steak was Yukon Jake—</div> -<div class="verse">Hard-boiled as a picnic egg.</div> -<div class="verse">He washed his shirt in the Klondike dirt,</div> -<div class="verse">And drank his rum by the keg.</div> -<div class="verse">In fear of their lives (or because of their wives)</div> -<div class="verse">He was shunned by the best of his pals</div> -<div class="verse">An outcast he, from the comraderie</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -<div class="verse">Of all but wild animals.</div> -<div class="verse">So he bought him the whole of Shark Tooth Shoal,</div> -<div class="verse">A reef in the Bering Sea,</div> -<div class="verse">And he lived by himself on a sea lion’s shelf</div> -<div class="verse">In lonely iniquity.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But, miles away, in Keokuk, Ia.,</div> -<div class="verse">Did a ruined maiden fight</div> -<div class="verse">To remove the smirch from the Baptist Church</div> -<div class="verse">By bringing the heathen Light.</div> -<div class="verse">And the Elders declared that all would be squared</div> -<div class="verse">If she carried the holy words</div> -<div class="verse">From her Keokuk Home to the hell-town Nome</div> -<div class="verse">To save those sinful birds.</div> -<div class="verse">So, two weeks later, she took a freighter,</div> -<div class="verse">For the gold-cursed land near the Pole,</div> -<div class="verse">But Heaven ain’t made for a lass that’s betrayed—</div> -<div class="verse">She was wrecked on Shark Tooth Shoal!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">All hands were tossed in the Sea, and lost—</div> -<div class="verse">All but the maiden Ruth,</div> -<div class="verse">Who swam to the edge of the sea lion’s ledge</div> -<div class="verse">Where abode the love of her youth.</div> -<div class="verse">He was hunting a seal for his evening meal</div> -<div class="verse">(He handled a mean harpoon)</div> -<div class="verse">When he saw at his feet, not something to eat,</div> -<div class="verse">But a girl in a frozen swoon,</div> -<div class="verse">Whom he dragged to his lair by her dripping hair,</div> -<div class="verse">And he rubbed her knees with gin.</div> -<div class="verse">To his great surprise, she opened her eyes</div> -<div class="verse">And revealed—his Original Sin!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">His eight-months’ beard grew stiff and weird</div> -<div class="verse">And it felt like a chestnut burr,</div> -<div class="verse">And he swore by his gizzard—and the Arctic blizzard,</div> -<div class="verse">That he’d do right by her.</div> -<div class="verse">But the cold sweat froze on the end of her nose</div> -<div class="verse">Till it gleamed like a Teckla pearl,</div> -<div class="verse">While her bright hair fell, like a flame from hell,</div> -<div class="verse">Down the back of the grateful girl.</div> -<div class="verse">But a hopeless rake was Yukon Jake</div> -<div class="verse">The Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal!</div> -<div class="verse">And the dizzy maid he rebetrayed</div> -<div class="verse">And wrecked her immortal soul!</div> -<div class="verse">Then he rowed her ashore with a broken oar,</div> -<div class="verse">And he sold her to Dan Megrew</div> -<div class="verse">For a huskie dog and some hot egg-nog—</div> -<div class="verse">As rascals are wont to do.</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span> -<div class="verse">Now ruthless Ruth is a maid uncouth</div> -<div class="verse">With scarlet cheeks and lips,</div> -<div class="verse">And she sings rough songs to the drunken throngs</div> -<div class="verse">That come from the sealing ships.</div> -<div class="verse">For a rouge-stained kiss from this infamous miss</div> -<div class="verse">They will give a seal’s sleek fur,</div> -<div class="verse">Or perhaps a sable, if they are able;</div> -<div class="verse">It’s much the same to her.</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Oh, the North Countree is a rough countree,</div> -<div class="verse">That mothers a bloody brood;</div> -<div class="verse">And its icy arms hold hidden charms</div> -<div class="verse">For the greedy, the sinful and lewd.</div> -<div class="verse">And strong men rust, from the gold and the lust</div> -<div class="verse">That sears the Northland soul,</div> -<div class="verse">But the wickedest born from the Pole to the Horn</div> -<div class="verse">Was the Hermit of Shark Tooth Shoal!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>God Bless the “Y.”</h3> - -<p>A mud-spattered dough-boy slouched into -the ‘Y’ hut where an entertainment was in -progress and slumped into a front seat.</p> - -<p>Firm, kindly, and efficient, a Y. M. C. A. -man approached him, saying: “Sorry, buddy, -but the entire front section is reserved for -officers.”</p> - -<p>Wearily the youth rose.</p> - -<p>“All right,” he drawled, “but the one I just -got back from wasn’t.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Test For You</h3> - -<p><i>On our recent visit in Los Angeles we became contaminated -with Ham Beall’s filosophy. (Note to the boys: -This was written just before Ham went on the wagon.)</i></p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He is not drunk who from the floor,</div> -<div class="verse">Can rise again and drink once more;</div> -<div class="verse">But he is drunk who prostrate lies,</div> -<div class="verse">And cannot either drink or rise.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>The Flesh Pots of Egypt</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="by">BY REV. “GOLIGHTLY” MORRILL</p> - -<p class="center">Pastor, People’s Church, Minneapolis, Minn.</p> - -<p class="dropcap">Allah be praised! Here I am in Alexandria, -the city founded by Alexander -the Great. Yet Alex. could never conquer -this part of the world today—the smells -would put him to rout. This polyglot port is -in “Lower” Egypt, and its dives are among the -lowest found anywhere. The Rue des Soeurs -is a street where crooked people go straight to -perdition. Gambling hells are overflowing. -Sailors and soldiers from the four corners of -the globe crowd the cafes, where guitars twang, -pianos jangle, drunks bawl, booze flows, choruses -cheer and women leer. Fleshy Fatimas, -overpainted and underclothed prowl about the -street seeking whom they may devour. From -lighted windows come droning nasal songs—</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“Ya benat Iskendereeyeh,” etc.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“O ye damsels of Alexandria!</div> -<div class="verse">Your walk over the furniture is alluring:</div> -<div class="verse">Ye wear the Kashmeer shawl with embroidered work,</div> -<div class="verse">And your lips are sweet as sugar.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> - -<p>All aboard for Cairo, city of the Caliphs, -and I felt like taking a board and spanking -the exposed anatomy of the Arab youths who -posed along the railroad tracks to shock and -mock the passengers.</p> - -<p>Leaving the black sheep tourists at “Shepherds” -Hotel, I visited the mosques which are -as numerous in Cairo as mosquitoes in New -Jersey. There may be a thousand; I visited -five hundred, more or less. Sometimes I took -off my slippers at the outer door, and at others -I wore a kind of moccasin over my tourist -shoes and shuffled and slid over the old floors, -wondering how in the name of everything -sacred I could profane anything with a good -“sole” like mine. In my fling about the city I -visited the Whirling Dervishes who whirled -and dervished for me to my heart’s content -with a poetry of motion a Sitka Indian could -never attain. My head grows dizzy and my -stomach faint when I think of them and their -musical accompaniment of tambourines and -flutes which were a cross between an ungreased -saw and the breathing of an overdriven horse. -I left before these human tops stopped spinning, -and I carried away the memory of their -tomato-can hats, bell-shaped robes, half-closed -eyes, drooping heads and extended arms. I -still see the uplifted right palm catching a -blessing from Allah, the left hand turned down -to bestow it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> - -<p>Cairo’s amusements are varied: you may -attend the opera house and listen to Italian -music or see a French farce; take a turn at the -hippodrome and have a circus; or stop at an -open air play on the Esbekeeyah; or, if religiously -inclined, take in the convent with its -dancing dervishes and barbarous music; watch -snake-charmers, glass-eaters, sword-swallowers, -long-haired fakirs, chibook-smokers and munchers -of scorpions; sip cafe noir (that looks and -tastes like sweetened Nile mud) in a little shop -where the waiters and loungers are as thick as -the drink; or see Arabs gamble with dice and -cards, much as they do in America; go to a kind -of vaudeville, where a stringed band of lady-performers -try to beguile travelers, with American -airs and Persian dances, into buying drinks -for them at the rate of one or two dollars a -bottle, and poor stuff at that; or meander -through the Fish Market at midnight where -streets are filled with citizens and sight-seers, -sidewalks with roystering soldiers, bazaars -with shrewd traders, dens with drunken -natives, and miles of houses with women outcasts -from all quarters of the globe, leering, -lurking and lustful, caged like wild beasts behind -iron-barred gratings which are necessary -to keep them from murderous assault on the -morals, money and lives of the passersby. I -was held up in an alleyway by a beautiful -Ghawazee girl who said, with outstretched -hand, “Me backsheesh to give God.” She would<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> -need a bank-roll to get full pardon for her multitudinous -mistakes. The resorts where naked -women invite you to see the “Danse du Ventre,” -a Terpsichorean exercise not noted for its modesty, -and the mahsheshehs, or hang-outs where -hasheesh smokers stimulate themselves into -idiotic talk and laughter and stupefy their -brains into a narcotic nepenthe of poverty, hunger -and dirt, may seem quite unethical to the -Occidental tenderfoot, but they are Christian -places of entertainment compared with those -infamous joints in the Fish Market where men, -dressed up like women, carry on. These bordels -had their prototype of old in the Egyptian temples -of Isis.</p> - -<p>I entered a Cafe Chantant where, before an -entranced audience, two daughters of the -desert, with incandescent kohl-stained eyes and -sin-stained souls, were going through the -sinuous undulations of the “hooche-cooche.” -They moved their necks to and fro like cobras -before a snake-charmer, and the motion of hip, -breast and abdomen thrilled the spectators. -These Egyptian dancers show a laxity of muscles -and morals, and dance in a way that makes -it unnecessary to attend a gymnasium. The -dishes served were delicate, but the songs were -indelicate, to say the least. There was a very -pathetic one which I translate:</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">“O damsel! thy silk shirt is worn out, and thine arms have become visible,</div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> -<div class="verse">And I fear for thee, on account of the blackness of thine eyes.</div> -<div class="verse">I desire to intoxicate myself, and kiss thy cheeks,</div> -<div class="verse">And do deeds that ’Antar did not.”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The Oriental orchestra was made up of a -darabooka drum, made of a wooden cylinder -over which is stretched a parchment; the tar, -a sort of tambourine; the kemengeh, a viol of -two strings with a cocoanut sounding-body; the -kanoon, a stringed instrument held on the -knees and played with the fingers; the ’ood, a -guitar with seven double strings; and the nay, -a reed flute blown at the end. The music produced -is most unspeakably unspiritual and -nasally noisome. It outranks the obligato -serenade of a love-sick tom-cat. The melody is -old as the Libyan hills. Is this what Mark -Antony heard when he fell for Cleopatra? If -so, what a fall there was, my countrymen!</p> - -<p>Here I bade adieu to the country which has -all that was, is and ever will be. Good-bye, -Egypt! Land of faro-banks and Pharaoh mummies—of -backsheesh, bad smells, sphinx and -blase globe-trotters! Paradise of palm trees, -pyramids and postcard-venders! Desert domain -of donkeys, dirt and dervishes—of tombs, -temples, turbaned thieves and veiled vampires! -Home of camel, crocodile, can-can and Cleopatra! -Farewell, till we meet again!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Even cultivated girls sometimes grow wild.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Pasture Pot Pourri</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>Motto For Married Men</h3> - -<p>Be sure you are right and then keep still about it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>I don’t like girls that bob their hair, use -rouge or powder, wear short skirts or roll their -socks.</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>I haven’t got a girl, either.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Knock-kneed Blues</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">There’s only one thing I can’t understan’,</div> -<div class="verse">How a bowlegged woman loves a knockkneed man.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Little Cowlet O’ Mine</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse"><i>I have a little calf,</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>(The kind that eats the hay)</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>It gets its ate</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>La tete a tete</i></div> -<div class="verse"><i>Through the milky way.</i></div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Every right-minded woman is cheered by the -thought of having pretty undies on—even if -nobody sees them.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>In the battle-scarred words of the cave-man: -“I want my wine weak and my women strong.”</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Height of Economy</h3> - -<p>To eat your meals in front of a looking glass -and think you are having twice as much.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>If a corset cover covers a corset, what does a corset -cover?</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Harness Shop Ad</h3> - -<p class="bold"><i>“Our buckles won’t hurt you.”</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Our Robbinsdale bootlegger refused to sell -me absinthe because he said it is against the -law.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="bold"><i>Hello, there, old fellow, where’d you get the -new hat?</i></p> - -<p class="bold"><i>Oh, my wife didn’t expect me home until -twelve last night and I got in a little earlier.</i></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Bow and Arrow Bull</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">QUIVERS ran up and down her spine,</div> -<div class="verse indent1">When his STRING of bull he’d throw;</div> -<div class="verse">For she was an ARROW minded kid</div> -<div class="verse indent1">And he was her loving BOW.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>In the immortal telegram of Ikey Goldstein: -“Twins arrived; mine died.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Hall Caine’s description of women:</p> - -<p>“Women are like sheep’s broth. If there’s a -head and a heart in them they’re good, and if -there isn’t you might as well be supping hot -water.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>I’m So Weak I Nearly Faint</h3> - -<div class="smaller"> - -<p>Says the pail to the milk, “You look awfully pale.”</p> - -<p>Says the milk to the pail, “If you’d gone through what -I have, you’d be pale, too!”</p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Our idea of nothing is a bung hole without -a barrel.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller sans"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Mamma’s in heaven,</div> -<div class="verse">Papa’s in jail,</div> -<div class="verse">Sister’s on Broadway,</div> -<div class="verse">Earning papa’s bail.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Paddy’s New Boots</h3> - -<p>These shoes are too tight. Be jabbers, oi’ll -have to wear them a couple of times before oi -can get thim on.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller">Let us now sing the old familiar ballad, “When a -goat is right behind you it’s no time to lace your shoe.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Another Clean Joke</h3> - -<div class="bold"> - -<p><i>A handkerchief and a sock, by chance met in -a tub at the laundry.</i></p> - -<p><i>“How did you get in here?” asked the sock.</i></p> - -<p><i>“Oh, I was blown in,” replied the handkerchief.</i></p> - -<p><i>“I was scent,” said the sock.</i></p> - -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“I’ve got to hand it to you,” quavered the -citizen as he passed over his pocketbook to the -hold-up man.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Discovery of America</h3> - -<p>Columbus was walking down the main street -of Spain one day when he saw Queen Elizabeth -riding along in her new Henry super four.</p> - -<p>He called to her, saying, “Howd’y Bella.” -She said, “Hello, Colum, hop in.” They were -on pretty intimate terms, at the time, and there -was quite a bit of scandal going around concerning -them.</p> - -<p>After a little Columbus said, “Say, Bella, I -believe if I had a couple of schooners I could -sail over and discover America.” She answered, -“All right, Colum.”</p> - -<p>Soon after, Columbus sailed away and sailed -for years and years. One day one of his men -hurried below and in an excited voice said, -“Columbus, I see land.”</p> - -<p>On landing, they found the Indians all lined -up and down the shore waiting for them. -Columbus stepped ahead and said, “Hello, is -this the United States?” “Yes,” said the chief, -“we got your cablegram and have been waiting -here to be discovered.” Whereupon Columbus -erected a post and put up a brass tablet -giving date of discovery, etc.</p> - -<p>After that, he moved to Ohio, and anyone -passing can see Columbus in Ohio.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Recruit, Boys!</h3> - -<p>She—Did you get a commission in the army?</p> - -<p>Private—No, I just got a straight salary.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Movie Hot Stuff</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Clara Smith Hamon, now Mrs. John -Gorman, is no longer in possession of her -$2,500 automobile. The car was recently -attached for payments overdue. Her picture -“Fate” was given its final death blow as a -money producer when the Arbuckle affair -roused the censorship broil anew.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Because his old friend Claire Windsor -met Charlie Chaplin at the depot in Los -Angeles on his recent return from -Europe, the newspapers hinted a new romance. -However, Whiz Bang’s astute investigators did -not go to the depot, but upon taking a chance -peek into Charlie’s drawing room, discovered -among a very few close friends, little May -Collins and her mama.</p> - -<p>Evidently the little Collins-Chaplin romance -is still on. Pretty foxie, Charlie!</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">Married men out west are having an -awful time. You know the cleverest -hold-up men and crooks in the U. S. A. -beat it for California every fall to keep abreast -to the tourist wealth which goes west as well.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> -These desperadoes often take an auto of an -evening, drive into the suburban towns or -near the lonely stretches of Pacific beach, and -hold up loving couples who are spooning in -autos along the roadside. Now, you see if you -happen to be married and are out with the -pretty steno or an extra girl, and you are held -up, relieved of diamonds, watches and money, -you can’t very well report it to the police, can -you? Reporters have an annoying way of getting -news from police chiefs and, regardless of -your rage against thugs and hold-up men, you -surmise it would be better to swallow your loss.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Domestic note—Alice Brady, who in private -life is Mrs. Thomas Crane, has retired from -stage and screen, it is said, in anticipation of -an interesting family event.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="dropcap">From “location” to a “one night stand” in -the county jail was the recent plight of -Texas Guinan, film beauty and former -musical comedy favorite. Approximately fifteen -hours the movie star basked in the bastile, -and all on account of an unpaid old grocery -bill.</p> - -<p>The turnkeys are glad she is out. They are -willing she reign on Broadways if she will -keep herself out of prison row. The tank heroes -shaved themselves as never before, donned Sunday -neckties and bartered keepsakes for standing -room back of the great steel doorway where<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span> -they might perchance catch a glimpse of Texas. -However, they were disappointed, for Texas -was temperamental and made no appearance in -the downstairs “prison drawing room.” Nosegays -and noes arrived, but Texas announced -from her “dressing room” that she never “received” -before noon. According to rumors, Mrs. -Peete and Madalynne Obenchain displayed real -professional jealousy.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Lost</h3> - -<p class="center sans">By James Whitcomb Riley.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here,</div> -<div class="verse">A summer of smiles with never a tear,</div> -<div class="verse">Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear,</div> -<div class="verse">Good-by, my lover, good-by!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">For I love him, oh! as the stars love night!</div> -<div class="verse">And my cheeks for him flushed red and white</div> -<div class="verse">When first he called me his heart’s delight.</div> -<div class="verse">Good-by, my lover, good-by!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">The touch of his hand was a thing divine,</div> -<div class="verse">As he sat with me in the soft moonshine,</div> -<div class="verse">And drank of love as men drink wine.</div> -<div class="verse">Good-by, my lover, good-by!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">And never a night as I knelt in prayer,</div> -<div class="verse">In a gown as white as our own souls wear,</div> -<div class="verse">But in fancy he came and kissed me there:</div> -<div class="verse">Good-by, my lover, good-by!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">But now, God! what an empty place</div> -<div class="verse">My whole heart is! Of the old embrace</div> -<div class="verse">And the kiss I loved there lives no trace:</div> -<div class="verse">Good-by, my lover, good-by!</div> -</div> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">He sailed not over the stormy sea,</div> -<div class="verse">And he went not down in the waves—not he;</div> -<div class="verse">But, oh! he is lost, for he married me:</div> -<div class="verse">Good-by, my lover, good-by!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>How to Get the Dough</h3> - -<p>The oil field filosopher reports the following:</p> - -<p>My father got rich selling tickets at the -moving picture show. When a man came up to -buy a ticket he would throw down a two dollar -bill or a five. Father would blow his breath -in his face and say, “How many?” The man -would say, “Oh, never mind, keep the change.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Just because you’re a ham, you needn’t think -you’re Swift. That’s all the jokes I know, but -there Armour.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Wet Times Ahead</h3> - -<p>Steamer Captain—Save yourself! The -vessel is going down. Here, sir (to indifferent -passenger), what are you passing that hat for -in a situation like this?</p> - -<p>Passenger—I’m just providing a sinking -fund for our widows and orphans, captain.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>He’d Tested Her</h3> - -<p>“I’ve got the fastest typist in the city.”</p> - -<p>“Well, that’s the only complaint I have -against mine.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Some marriages make one wonder why a -man should want to keep a cow when free milk -is running down the gutter. A ladle costs less -than a cradle.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Tramp’s Plea</h3> - -<p>“Good mornin’ this evenin’, how do you do -tomorrow?”</p> - -<p>“Got any good drinking water?”</p> - -<p>“Would you mind giving a poor man a drink -of liquor?”</p> - -<p>“I’m so hungry, I ain’t got nowhere to stay -all night?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>“Dat may all be,” reckons Raspin’ Rastus, -when told that the Good Book says the lion -and lamb lie down together, “But ah cain’t -fin’ no place where it says dat lamb eber got -up.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Let This Be Your Philosophy of Life</h3> - -<p>“Act as if the destiny of the universe depended -on your acts.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>My girl is so pretty that whenever she -boards a street car, the advertising is a total -loss.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our History Lesson</h3> - -<p>During the Middle Ages rich men condemned -to death would hire substitutes to die -in their places. Many poor people made a -living in such manner.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p class="smaller"><i>Say, dear, how’d you like to open my pay envelope?</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Puff Me Up, Kid</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">She’s the kippiest kid,</div> -<div class="verse">Hair of gold, baby eyes</div> -<div class="verse">And a wonderful figure.</div> -<div class="verse">Oh boy, how she can love.</div> -<div class="verse">Many times a day</div> -<div class="verse">I caress her cheek,</div> -<div class="verse">Her mouth her nose.</div> -<div class="verse">She jealously guards me.</div> -<div class="verse">I live where wise men</div> -<div class="verse">Fear to peep.</div> -<div class="verse">I’m some guy, I am,</div> -<div class="verse">Yea brother,</div> -<div class="verse">I’m some powder puff.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Hard Boiled Muggsy</h3> - -<p>A mission worker on the lower East Side, -New York, was telling the story of Adam and -Eve to a group of tough kids. When he was -through, one boy asked Hard-boiled Muggsy -what it was all about.</p> - -<p>“I’ll tell yer,” said Muggsy, “there was a -guy and a ‘broad’ in a garden. They ‘snitched’ -an apple; a snake ‘peached’ on ’em, and God -said tuhel with ’em.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Smackum Smackaday</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">Someday—I’m going to take—</div> -<div class="verse">Somebody—</div> -<div class="verse">Somewhere—where there isn’t anybody—and—</div> -<div class="verse">Somehow—I’m going to give her a sweet kiss—</div> -<div class="verse">Something—she wants—and then—</div> -<div class="verse">Sometime—later—she’ll find—</div> -<div class="verse">Someway—to get me away—some—</div> -<div class="verse">Summer—day—to get—</div> -<div class="verse">Somemore—of the same thing.</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Classified Ads</i></h2> - -</div> - -<h3>A Serious Accident</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Zanesville Times-Recorder)</p> - -<p class="sans">Miss Mayite Collins has sued John L. Nelson at Columbus for -$5,000.00 damages as the result of an accident on the bathing-beach -toboggan at Buckeye Lake last July. Miss Collins says she -picked up a splinter while sliding down the toboggan, severely -wounding her dignity.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>A Soft Job</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Omaha Bee)</p> - -<p class="sans">More ladies wanted for decorating pillows at home. Experience -unnecessary.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Our Agony Column</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the London Post)</p> - -<p class="sans">T. B. (Maiden Lane)—Very many thanks—and more power to -your elbow. Best wishes to Madame and “her wicked sister.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Suppose He Comes Home?</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Nashville Tennessean.)</p> - -<p class="sans">Account husband traveling and being uneasy at nights will -rent one or two rooms to congenial gentlemen at moderate rate -in modern brick home; easy walking distance. Apply in person, -1506 McGavock.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>The Corset Revue</h3> - -<p class="center">(From the Jersey Journal.)</p> - -<p class="sans">WANTED—Stout model and perfect medium figure for corset -promenade for three evenings. Apply at once, 162 Monticello Ave.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>A fool friend can wield a hammer as effectively -as a bitter enemy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Everybody’s Winner</h3> - -<p>An old colored mammy whose husband had -just successfully sued for divorce came slowly -down the court-house steps, talking to herself: -“Dar ain’t no justice in dis heah wo’ld. Dat -useless ol’ husband of mine he got his divorce, -he got de house, got de money, got mah free -chil’en and dey ain’t none of ’em his’n.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Blank Verse</h3> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I held her in my arms.</div> -<div class="verse">“Do you believe</div> -<div class="verse">In free love?”</div> -<div class="verse">I asked.</div> -<div class="verse">“No!” she replied</div> -<div class="verse">Indignantly,</div> -<div class="verse">“But ... umm</div> -<div class="verse">Kiss me again!”</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="poetry-container smaller"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="stanza"> -<div class="verse">I like</div> -<div class="verse">The way fellows</div> -<div class="verse">Speak of</div> -<div class="verse">MY woman</div> -<div class="verse">MY girl....</div> -<div class="verse">Such is</div> -<div class="verse">The conceit</div> -<div class="verse">Of man!</div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Perhaps Luther was right when he said that -God is a piece of white paper upon which every -man draws a picture of his own face.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Atchew!</h3> - -<p>Lotta—“What gave George that awful cold?”</p> - -<p>Bull—“I don’t know, but I saw him out on -the lawn with a mighty thin girl last night.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>If She Squeaks, Oil Her</h3> - -<p class="center">(From Our Navy)</p> - -<p>“The rifle is the marine’s best friend,” he -said. “He must never neglect it. He must -treat it as he treats his wife and wipe it over -with an oily rag twice a day.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Shall We Forgive Her?</h3> - -<p>A dainty little blonde miss of twenty-two -stepped into a phone booth. She drew forth -from a small trunk (called a vanity case) a -nickel. She placed the nickel in the slot with -the softest, white and well kept hands that -anyone has seen. She took up the receiver and -with a soft sweet voice of a great singer spoke -the number to the operator. She waited and -waited and waited and waited, first on one foot -and then on the other. She had waited an -awful long time. All of a sudden she banged -the receiver down and hissed between her -lovely, pearly teeth, a well sounded “Damn it.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The fellow who asks a girl for a kiss doesn’t -stand half a chance with the live wire who -kisses a girl first and then asks her how she -likes it.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Liberal Wife</h3> - -<p>Wife (to attractive husband)—“Have you -kissed the new cook yet, William?”</p> - -<p>Husband—“Why—er—no.”</p> - -<p>Wife—“Well, stupid, what are you waiting -for? You know what a hard time we had to -get her.”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>People who live in rag houses shouldn’t -throw bones.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Honesty, the Cheap Policy</h3> - -<p>Hear John West got two years for stealing -a horse?</p> - -<p>Yes, serves him right. Why didn’t he buy -it and not pay?</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Preacher—Don’t you know it’s wrong to put -worms on that hook and insert it in a fish?</p> - -<p>Johnnie—These aren’t worms, but that’s -what the other suckers thought.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>The strength of a kiss is generally measured -by its length.—Byron.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>All Some Have to Tell</h3> - -<p>“Why is it,” asks the exchange man of The -Arkansas Gazette, “that a man rarely grows too -old or too religious to get a thrill out of telling -what a devil he was in his youth?”</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p>Man proposes, woman supposes, marriage -composes and divorce exposes.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>That Waltz</h3> - -<p class="center">BY THE GEORGIA CRACKER</p> - -<p>As the music began, the lights grew soft -and dim. I watched the couples as they passed -like phantoms in the darkness.</p> - -<p>Then I saw her, dancing with some wretched -novice who could scarcely keep on his feet. How -lovely and how wretched she looked.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span></p> - -<p>“Kathleen!” I exclaimed, half aloud, and -advanced.</p> - -<p>“May I break?” I asked, and took her into -my arms.</p> - -<p>Her dancing—how can I describe it? She -moved like some sprite—sure-footed languorous, -as light as a summer cloud.</p> - -<p>Drawing her to me, I suited my steps to the -slow, yearning melody of the waltz. As we -glided in the semi-darkness, oblivious of the -passing couples she pressed her glowing cheek -to mine and breathed quickly.</p> - -<p>“Oh”—</p> - -<p>“Sweetheart, why cannot I hold you like this -forever? I feel that you are a part of my very -soul!”</p> - -<p>“Hold me—oh, hold me tight!”</p> - -<p>“I have lived always for this moment. -Dearest, you are the only girl in the whole -world—you <i>are</i> the whole world”—</p> - -<p>And there, our eyes closed in ecstasy, I -kissed her.</p> - -<p>“I love you! The universe was made for -the rapture of this moment. The stars have -shone in vain for ages that they might light -your eyes now! All time has been but a prelude -to this second! Say you love me! Just say it!”</p> - -<p>“Oh, Jimmy, you know I do!”</p> - -<p>“Why, Kathleen, this isn’t Jimmy!” I cried.</p> - -<p>“And this isn’t Kathleen,” replied the -stranger.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2><i>Our Rural Mail Box</i></h2> - -</div> - -<p><b><i>Jack Tar</i></b>—Tell her that it was a balloon.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Ima Frade</i></b>—If you are gun-shy, go with a -soldier, then you’ll soon get used to having -arms around you.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Fumey Gait</i></b>—A bully game of cards would -be Pedro.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Gracie</i></b>—The mere fact that the tears run -down the back of a cross-eyed person does not -indicate they have bacteria.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Dora Knobs</i></b>—A cigarette and a bottle of -beer are sure to make a delightful breakfast -for a lady of careless morals after a night of -arduous cavorting.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Tooth Ache Kid</i></b>—When suffering from a -violent toothache in the hollow of a tooth, fill -the cavity with whisky and hold there thirty -seconds with your head cocked to one side. -Swallow whisky and refill cavity. Repeat this -treatment a few hundred times and if it doesn’t -give relief, try wood alcohol instead.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Brother Eagle</i></b>—When suffering from exhaustion, -the patient should be put in a cool -shady wine room. A Scotch and soda in a -tall thin glass with plenty of ice may be given -at intervals, and should a tickling ensue give -patient pink sporting page and turn on -phonograph. Continue this treatment until -patient kicks phonograph into the alley. This -is what is known as the negative test and is -proof of patient’s recovery.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Ab. Doman</i></b>—Yes, married men make the -best husbands.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Kauph E. Keuler</i></b>—If you can’t drink coffee -out of a saucer without scalding your nose, use -a bowl.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>Herr Nett</i></b>—When you make a present to a -woman, always leave the cost tag on it; it will -save her a trip downtown.</p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<p><b><i>All Readers</i></b>—I would like to know whether -a zebra is a white animal with black stripes or -a black animal with white stripes.—<b><i>Captain -Billy.</i></b></p> - -<div class="starbreak">* * *</div> - -<h3>Pee-Ess</h3> - -<p><i>Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow your -bootlegger may get caught.</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40"> - -<h2>Whiz Bang City, Oklahoma</h2> - -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px; margin-top: 1em;"> -<img src="images/whizbangcity.jpg" width="500" height="225" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang is the first magazine -to have a “city” named after it.</p> - -<p>The thriving little oil town of Oklahoma has -been christened Whiz Bang City. The picture -shown on this page is by courtesy of Vince Dillon, -photographer of Fairfax, Okla. Upon close examination, -“kind readers” note that all of the -buildings are new and that a truck standing in -front of the garage bears the sign Nitroglycerine. -However, there is no connection between nitroglycerine -and the Whiz Bang. It is true that we -have an explosion, but ours is harmless, and used -to blow out the spleen of the American human -instead of Mother Earth.</p> - -<p>Well, anyway, folk, here’s wishing many -happy days to Whiz Bang City and its live -citizens.</p> - -<hr /> - -<div class="bbox w40 all-purple"> - -<h2><i>Our Winter Annual</i></h2> - -<p>In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter -Annual of this great family journal contains a large -variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingles, pot pourri -stories and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed -Follies of 1921-22, contains four times as much reading -matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and sells -for one dollar per copy. It is a book which will be -cherished by the readers for years to come, and holds -the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in -print. Included in the list are:</p> - -<div class="sans"> - -<p>Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Barroom Floor, -The Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), -The Girl in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” -Advice to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy -Queen, Stunning Percy LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s -Ladies, Toledo Slim.</p> - -</div> - -<p>Orders are now being received and will be mailed in the -order in which they are received. Tear off the -attached blank and mail to us today with your check, -money order or stamps.</p> - -<hr class="all-purple" /> - -<p class="hanging sans">Whiz Bang,<br /> -Robbinsdale, Minnesota</p> - -<p class="noindent">Gentlemen:</p> - -<p>Enclosed is dollar bill, check, money order or stamps -for $1.00 for which please send me the Winter Annual -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, “Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22.”</p> - -<div class="form">Name</div> - -<div class="form">Address</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<div class="w20 purple"> - -<p class="center larger"><i class="u all-purple">Everywhere!</i></p> - -<p><i>Whiz Bang</i> is on sale -at all leading hotels, -news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains -30 cents, or may be -ordered direct from -the publisher at 25 -cents single copies; -two-fifty a year.</p> - -<p>One dollar for the -WINTER ANNUAL.</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 200px;"> -<img src="images/bull.jpg" width="200" height="75" alt="A bull" /> -</div> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 3, No. -29, January, 1922, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, JAN 1922 *** - -***** This file should be named 62279-h.htm or 62279-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/2/2/7/62279/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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