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font-weight: bold; font-size: x-large; margin: .75em auto; - page-break-before: always; } - </style> - </head> - <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Moments with Mark Twain, by Mark Twain - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Moments with Mark Twain - -Author: Mark Twain - -Release Date: February 7, 2020 [EBook #61338] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MOMENTS WITH MARK TWAIN *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class='tnotes covernote'> - -<p class='c000'><b>Transcriber’s Note:</b></p> - -<p class='c000'>The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.</p> - -</div> - -<div class='lg-container-r c001'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='xlarge'>MOMENTS WITH</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'>MARK TWAIN</span></div> - <div class='line in4'><span class='xxlarge'>❖</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id001'> -<img src='images/i_frontispiece.jpg' alt='Mark Twain' class='ig001' /> -<div class='ic001'> -<p>Copyright, 1907, by Underwood & Underwood</p> -</div> -</div> - -<div class='titlepage'> - -<div> - <h1 class='c002'>Moments With<br /> MARK TWAIN</h1> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div><span class='xlarge'><em>Selected by</em> ❦ ❦ ❦</span></div> - <div><span class='xlarge'>ALBERT BIGELOW PAINE</span></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='figcenter id002'> -<img src='images/title.jpg' alt='' class='ig001' /> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div><span class='large'>Harper & Brothers Publishers</span></div> - <div>New York and London</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c001'> - <div><span class='sc'>Moments With Mark Twain</span></div> - <div class='c004'>Copyright, 1920, by The Mark Twain Company</div> - <div>Printed in the United States of America</div> - <div>Published March, 1920</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c004' /> -</div> -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c005'>CONTENTS</h2> -</div> - -<table class='table0' summary='CONTENTS'> - <tr> - <th class='c006'><span class='small'>CHAP.</span></th> - <th class='c007'> </th> - <th class='c008'><span class='small'>PAGE</span></th> - </tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>I.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Sketches New and Old</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_1'>1</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>II.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Innocents Abroad</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_7'>7</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>III.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Roughing It</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_58'>58</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>IV.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Gilded Age</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_101'>101</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>V.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Adventures of Tom Sawyer</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_113'>113</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>VI.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Stolen White Elephant</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_129'>129</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>VII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>A Tramp Abroad</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_131'>131</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>VIII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Life on the Mississippi</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_155'>155</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>IX.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Prince and the Pauper</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_182'>182</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>X.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_199'>199</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XI.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_223'>223</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Rambling Notes of an Idle Excursion</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_244'>244</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XIII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_247'>247</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XIV.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Private History of a Campaign that Failed</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_254'>254</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XV.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_261'>261</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XVI.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Saint Joan of Arc</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_272'>272</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XVII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Following the Equator</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_273'>273</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XVIII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Concerning the Jews</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_283'>283</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XIX.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Christian Science</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_285'>285</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XX.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Italian Without a Master</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_288'>288</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XXI.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>Eve’s Diary</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_290'>290</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XXII.</td> - <td class='c007'><span class='sc'>Miscellaneous</span></td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_291'>291</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XXIII.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> “<span class='sc'>The Death of Jean</span>”</td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_298'>298</a></td> - </tr> - <tr><td> </td></tr> - <tr> - <td class='c006'>XXIV.</td> - <td class='c007'><em>From</em> <span class='sc'>One of His Latest Memoranda</span></td> - <td class='c008'><a href='#Page_299'>299</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c005'>FOREWORD</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c009'>Beginning his preface to the “Uniform Edition” -of his works, Mark Twain wrote:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“So far as I remember, I have never seen an -Author’s Preface which had any purpose but -one—to furnish reasons for the publication of -the book. Prefaces wear many disguises, call -themselves by various names, and pretend to -come on various businesses, but I think that upon -examination we are quite sure to find that their -errand is always the same: they are there to -apologize for the book; in other words, furnish -reasons for its publication. This often insures -brevity.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Accepting the above as gospel (as necessarily -we must, in this book,) one is only required here -to furnish a few more or less plausible excuses -for its existence. Very well, then, we can think -of two:</p> - -<p class='c010'>First: To prove to those who have read Mark -Twain sparingly, or know him mainly from -hearsay, that he was something more than a -mere fun-maker.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Second: To provide for those who have read -largely of his work something of its essence, as -it were—put up in a form which may be found -convenient when one has not time, or inclination, -to search the volumes.</p> - -<p class='c010'>These are the excuses—now, an added word -as to method: The examples have been arranged -chronologically, so that the reader, following -them in order, may note the author’s -evolution—the development of his humor, his -observation, his philosophy and his literary style. -They have been selected with some care, in the -hope that those who know the author best may -consider him fairly represented.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Feeling now that this little volume is sufficiently -explained, the compiler begs to offer it, -without further extenuation, to all who do honor -to the memory of our foremost laughing -philosopher.</p> - -<div class='lg-container-r c001'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='xlarge'>MOMENTS WITH</span></div> - <div class='line'><span class='xxlarge'>MARK TWAIN</span></div> - <div class='line in4'><span class='xxlarge'>❖</span></div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_1'>1</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “SKETCHES NEW AND OLD” (1865–67)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Answers to Correspondents</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>“Moral Statistician.”—I don’t want any of -your statistics; I took your whole batch and lit -my pipe with it. I hate your kind of people. -You are always ciphering out how much a man’s -health is injured, and how much his intellect -is impaired, and how many pitiful dollars and -cents he wastes in the course of ninety-two years’ -indulgence in the fatal practice of smoking; and -in the equally fatal practice of drinking coffee; -and in playing billiards occasionally; and in taking -a glass of wine at dinner, etc., etc., etc. And -you are always figuring out how many women -have been burned to death because of the dangerous -fashion of wearing expansive hoops, etc., -etc., etc. You never see more than one side of -the question. You are blind to the fact that -most old men in America smoke, and drink -<span class='pageno' id='Page_2'>2</span>coffee, although, according to your theory, they -ought to have died young; and that hearty old -Englishmen drink wine and survive it, and portly -old Dutchmen both drink and smoke freely, and -yet grow older and fatter all the time. And -you never try to find out how much solid comfort, -relaxation, and enjoyment a man derives -from smoking in the course of a lifetime (which -is worth ten times the money he would save by -letting it alone), nor the appalling aggregate -of happiness lost in a lifetime by your kind of -people from <em>not</em> smoking. Of course you can -save money by denying yourself all those little -vicious enjoyments for fifty years; but then -what can you do with it? What use can you -put it to? Money can’t save your infinitesimal -soul. All the use that money can be put to is -to purchase comfort and enjoyment in this life; -therefore, as you are an enemy to comfort and -enjoyment, where is the use of accumulating -cash? It won’t do for you to say that you can -use it to better purpose in furnishing a good -table, and in charities, and in supporting tract -societies, because you know yourself that you -people who have no petty vices are never known -to give away a cent, and that you stint yourselves -so in the matter of food that you are -always feeble and hungry. And you never dare -<span class='pageno' id='Page_3'>3</span>to laugh in the daytime for fear some poor -wretch, seeing you in a good humor, will try -to borrow a dollar of you; and in church you -are always down on your knees, with your eyes -buried in the cushion, when the contribution -box comes around; and you never give the revenue -officers a full statement of your income. -Now you know all these things yourself, don’t -you? Very well, then, what is the use of your -stringing out your miserable lives to a lean and -withered old age? What is the use of your saving -money that is so utterly worthless to you? -In a word, why don’t you go off somewhere and -die, and not be always trying to seduce people -into becoming as “ornery” and unloveable as you -are yourselves, by your villainous “moral statistics”? -Now I don’t approve of dissipation, and -I don’t indulge in it, either; but I haven’t -a particle of confidence in a man who has no -redeeming petty vices, and so I don’t want to -hear from you any more. I think you are the -very same man who read me a long lecture last -week about the degrading vice of smoking cigars, -and then came back, in my absence, with your -reprehensible fireproof gloves on, and carried off -my beautiful parlor stove.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Young Author.”—Yes, Agassiz <em>does</em> recommend -authors to eat fish, because the phosphorus -<span class='pageno' id='Page_4'>4</span>in it makes brain. So far you are correct. -But I cannot help you to a decision about the -amount you need to eat—at least, not with certainty. -If the specimen composition you send -is about your fair usual average, I should judge -that perhaps a couple of whales would be all -you would want for the present. Not the largest -kind, but simply good, middling-sized whales.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>How I Edited an Agricultural Paper</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In about half an hour an old gentleman, with -a flowing beard and a fine but rather austere -face, entered, and sat down at my invitation. -He seemed to have something on his mind. He -took off his hat and set it on the floor, and got -out of it a red silk handkerchief and a copy of -our paper.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He put the paper on his lap, and while he -polished his spectacles with his handkerchief, he -said, “Are you the new editor?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I said I was.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Have you ever edited an agricultural paper -before?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No,” I said; “this is my first attempt.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very likely. Have you had any experience -in agriculture, practically?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_5'>5</span>“No; I believe I have not.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Some instinct told me,” said the old gentleman, -putting on his spectacles and looking over -them at me with asperity, while he folded his -paper into a convenient shape. “I wish to read -you what must have made me have that instinct. -It was this editorial. Listen, and see if it was -you that wrote it:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Turnips should never be pulled, it injures -them. It is much better to send a boy up and -let him shake the tree.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now, what do you think of that?—for I -really suppose you wrote it?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Think of it? Why, I think it is good. I -think it is sense. I have no doubt that every -year millions and millions of bushels of turnips -are spoiled in this township alone by being pulled -in a half-ripe condition, when, if they had sent -a boy up to shake the tree——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Shake your grandmother! Turnips don’t -grow on trees!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, they don’t don’t they? Well, who said -they did? The language was intended to be -figurative, wholly figurative. Anybody that -knows anything will know that I meant that -the boy should shake the vine.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Then this old person got up and tore his -paper all into small shreds, and stamped on -<span class='pageno' id='Page_6'>6</span>them, and broke several things with his cane, -and said I did not know as much as a cow; and -then went out and banged the door after him, -and, in short, acted in such a way that I fancied -he was displeased about something. But not -knowing what the trouble was, I could not be -any help to him.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_7'>7</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE INNOCENTS ABROAD” (1867–68)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>On Keeping a Journal</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>At certain periods it becomes the dearest ambition -of a man to keep a faithful record of his -performances, in a book; and he dashes at his -work with an enthusiasm that imposes on him -the notion that keeping a journal is the veriest -pastime in the world, and the pleasantest. But -if he only lives twenty-one days, he will find -out that only those rare natures that are made -up of pluck, endurance, devotion to duty for -duty’s sake, and invincible determination, may -hope to venture upon so tremendous an enterprise -as the keeping of a journal and not sustain -a shameful defeat.... If you wish to -inflict a heartless and malignant punishment -upon a young person, pledge him to keep a -journal a year.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The “Quaker City” in a Storm</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>And the last night of the seven was the -stormiest of all. There was no thunder, no -<span class='pageno' id='Page_8'>8</span>noise but the pounding bows of the ship, the -keen whistling of the gale through the cordage, -and the rush of the seething waters. But the -vessel climbed aloft as if she would climb to -heaven—then paused an instant that seemed a -century, and plunged headlong down again, as -from a precipice. The sheeted sprays drenched -the decks like rain. The blackness of darkness -was everywhere. At long intervals a flash -of lightning clove it with a quivering line of -fire, that revealed a heaving world of water -where was nothing before, kindled the dusky -cordage to glittering silver, and lit up the faces -of the men with a ghastly lustre!</p> - -<p class='c010'>Fear drove many on deck that were used -to avoiding the night winds and the spray. -Some thought the vessel could not live through -the night, and it seemed less dreadful to stand -out in the midst of the wild tempest and <em>see</em> -the peril that threatened than to be shut up in -the sepulchral cabins, under the dim lamps, and -imagine the horrors that were abroad on the -ocean. And once out—once where they could -see the ship struggling in the strong grasp of -the storm—once where they could hear the -shriek of the winds, and face the driving spray -and look out upon the majestic picture the lightnings -disclosed, they were prisoners to a fierce -<span class='pageno' id='Page_9'>9</span>fascination they could not resist, and so remained. -It was a wild night—and a very, very -long one.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Beautiful Stranger</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>While we stood admiring the cloud-capped -peaks and the lowlands robed in misty gloom, -a finer picture burst upon us and chained every -eye like a magnet—a stately ship, with canvas -piled on canvas till she was one towering mass -of bellying sail. She came speeding over the -sea like a great bird. Africa and Spain were -forgotten. All homage was for the beautiful -stranger. While everybody gazed, she swept -superbly by and flung the Stars and Stripes to -the breeze! Quicker than thought hats and -handkerchiefs flashed in the air, and a cheer -went up! She was beautiful before—she was -radiant now. Many a one on her decks knew -then for the first time how tame a sight his -country’s flag is at home compared with what -it is in a foreign land. To see it is to see a -vision of home itself and all its idols, and feel -a thrill that would stir a very river of sluggish -blood!</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Tangier</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>What a funny old town it is! It seems like -<span class='pageno' id='Page_10'>10</span>profanation to laugh and jest and bandy the -frivolous chat of our day amid its hoary relics. -Only the stately phraseology and the measured -speech of the sons of the Prophet are suited to -a venerable antiquity like this. Here is a -crumbling wall that was old when Columbus -discovered America; was old when Peter the -Hermit roused the knightly men of the Middle -Ages to arm for the first Crusade; was old when -Charlemagne and his paladins beleaguered enchanted -castles and battled with giants and genii -in the fabled days of the olden time; was old -when Christ and his disciples walked the earth; -stood where it stands to-day when the lips of -Memnon were vocal, and men bought and sold -in the streets of ancient Thebes!</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>American Beauties</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I will conclude this chapter with a remark -that I am sincerely proud to be able to make—and -glad, as well, that my comrades cordially -indorse it, to wit: by far the handsomest women -we have seen in France were born and reared -in America.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I feel, now, like a man who has redeemed a -failing reputation and shed luster upon a dimmed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_11'>11</span>escutcheon, by a single just deed done at the -eleventh hour.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Let the curtain fall, to slow music.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>An Early Memory</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>It is hard to forget repulsive things. I remember -yet how I ran off from school once -when I was a boy, and then, pretty late at night, -concluded to climb into the window of my father’s -office and sleep on a lounge, because I had -a delicacy about going home and getting -thrashed. As I lay on the lounge and my eyes -grew accustomed to the darkness, I fancied I -could see a long, dusky, shapeless thing stretched -upon the floor. A cold shiver went through me. -I turned my face to the wall. That did not -answer. I was afraid that the thing would -creep over and seize me in the dark. I turned -back and stared at it for minutes and minutes—they -seemed hours. It appeared to me that the -lagging moonlight never, never would get to it. -I turned to the wall and counted twenty, to -pass the feverish time away. I looked—the pale -square was nearer. I turned again and counted -fifty—it was almost touching it. With desperate -will I turned again and counted one -hundred, and faced about, all in a tremble. A -<span class='pageno' id='Page_12'>12</span>white human hand lay in the moonlight! Such -an awful sinking at the heart—such a sudden -gasp for breath. I felt—I cannot tell <em>what</em> I -felt. When I recovered strength enough, I faced -the wall again. But no boy could have remained -so, with that mysterious hand behind -him. I counted again, and looked—the most -of a naked arm was exposed. I put my hands -over my eyes and counted until I could stand -it no longer, and then—the pallid face of a -man was there, with the corners of the mouth -drawn down, and the eyes fixed and glassy in -death! I raised to a sitting posture and glowered -on the corpse till the light crept down the -bare breast,—line by line—inch by inch—past -the nipple,—and then it disclosed a ghastly stab!</p> - -<p class='c010'>I went away from there. I do not say that -I went away in any sort of a hurry, but I simply -went——that is sufficient. I went out at the -window, and I carried the sash along with -me. I did not need the sash, but it was handier -to take it than it was to leave it, and so I took -it. I was not scared, but I was considerably -agitated.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When I reached home, they whipped me, but -I enjoyed it. It seemed perfectly delightful. -That man had been stabbed near the office that -afternoon, and they carried him in there to doctor -<span class='pageno' id='Page_13'>13</span>him, but he only lived an hour. I have -slept in the same room with him often, since -then—in my dreams.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At the Ambrosian Library</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We saw a manuscript of Virgil, with annotations -in the handwriting of Petrarch, the gentleman -who loved another man’s Laura, and -lavished upon her all through life a love which -was a clear waste of the raw material. It was -sound sentiment, but bad judgment. It brought -both parties fame, and created a fountain of -commiseration for them in sentimental breasts -that is running yet. But who says a word in -behalf of poor Mr. Laura? (I do not know his -other name.) Who glorifies him? Who bedews -him with tears? Who writes poetry about -him? Nobody. How do you suppose <em>he</em> liked -the state of things that has given the world so -much pleasure?... Let the world go on fretting -about Laura and Petrarch if it will; but -as for me, my tears and my lamentations shall -be lavished upon the unsung defendant.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We saw also an autograph letter of Lucrezia -Borgia, a lady for whom I have always entertained -the highest respect, on account of her -rare histrionic capabilities, her opulence in solid -<span class='pageno' id='Page_14'>14</span>gold goblets made of gilded wood, her high distinction -as an operatic screamer, and the facility -with which she could order a sextuple funeral -and get the corpses ready for it. We saw one -single coarse yellow hair from Lucrezia’s head, -likewise. It awoke emotions, but we still live. -In this same library we saw some drawings by -Michael Angelo (these Italians call him Mickel -Angelo), and Leonardo da Vinci. (They spell -it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners -always spell better than they pronounce.) We -reserve our opinion of these sketches.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Our Need of Repose</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Just in this one matter lies the main charm -of life in Europe—comfort. In America, we -hurry—which is well; but when the day’s work -is done, we go on thinking of losses and gains, -we plan for the morrow, we even carry our -business cares to bed with us, and toss and worry -over them when we ought to be restoring our -racked bodies and brains with sleep. We burn -up our energies with these excitements, and -either die early or drop into a lean and mean -old age at a time of life which they call a man’s -prime in Europe. When an acre of ground has -produced long and well, we let it lie fallow and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_15'>15</span>rest for a season; we take no man clear across -the continent in the same coach he started in—the -coach is stabled somewhere on the plains -and its heated machinery allowed to cool for a -few days; when a razor has seen long service -and refuses to hold an edge, the barber lays it -away for a few weeks, and the edge comes back -of its own accord. We bestow thoughtful care -upon inanimate objects, but none upon ourselves. -What a robust people, what a nation of -thinkers we might be, if we would only lay -ourselves on the shelf occasionally, and renew -our edges!</p> - -<p class='c010'>I do envy these Europeans the comfort they -take. When the work of the day is done, they -forget it.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Venice</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>It was a long, long ride. But toward evening, -as we sat silent and hardly conscious of -where we were—subdued into that meditative -calm that comes so surely after a conversational -storm—some one shouted:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“VENICE!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>And sure enough, afloat on the placid sea a -league away, lay a great city with its towers and -domes and steeples drowsing in a golden midst -of sunset.</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_16'>16</span>The venerable Mother of the Republics is -scarce a fit subject for flippant speech or the idle -gossiping of tourists. It seems a sort of sacrilege -to disturb the glamour of old romance that pictures -her to us softly from afar off as through -a tinted mist, and curtains her ruin and her -desolation from our view. One ought, indeed, -to turn away from her rags, her poverty, and -her humiliation, and think of her only as she -was when she sunk the fleets of Charlemagne; -when she humbled Frederick Barbarossa or -waved her victorious banners above the battlements -of Constantinople.</p> - -<p class='c010'>There was music everywhere—choruses, string -bands, brass bands, flutes, everything. I was so -surrounded, walled in with music, magnificence, -and loveliness, that I became inspired with the -spirit of the scene, and sang one tune myself. -However, when I observed that the other gondolas -had sailed away, and my gondolier was -preparing to go overboard, I stopped.</p> - -<p class='c010'>In the glare of the day, there is little poetry -about Venice, but under the charitable moon her -stained palaces are white again, their battered -sculptures are hidden in shadows, and the old -city seems crowned once more with the grandeur -that was hers five hundred years ago. It is -easy, then, in fancy, to people these silent canals -<span class='pageno' id='Page_17'>17</span>with plumed gallants and fair ladies—with Shylocks -in gaberdine and sandals, venturing loans -upon the rich argosies of Venetian commerce—with -Othellos and Desdemonas, with Iagos -and Roderigos—with noble fleets and victorious -legions returning from the wars. In the treacherous -sunlight we see Venice decayed, forlorn, -poverty-stricken, and commerceless—forgotten -and utterly insignificant. But in the moonlight, -her fourteen centuries of greatness fling their -glories about her, and once more is she the -princeliest among the nations of the earth.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Yes, I think we have seen all Venice. We -have seen in these old churches a profusion -of costly and elaborate sepulchre ornamentation -such as we never dreamt of before. We have -stood in the dim religious light of these hoary -sanctuaries, in the midst of long ranks of dusty -monuments and effigies of the great dead of -Venice, until we seemed drifting back, back, -back, into the solemn past, and looking upon -the scenes and mingling with the people of a -remote antiquity. We have been in a half-waking -sort of a dream all the time. I do not -know how else to describe the feeling. A -part of our being has remained still in the -nineteenth century, while another part of it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_18'>18</span>has seemed in some unaccountable way walking -among the phantoms of the tenth.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We have seen famous pictures until our eyes -are weary with looking at them and refuse to -find interest in them any longer.... We -have striven hard to learn. We have had some -success. We have mastered some things, possibly -of trifling import in the eyes of the learned, -but to us they give pleasure, and we take as -much pride in our little acquirements as do -others who have learned far more, and we love -to display them full as well. When we see -a monk going about with a lion and looking -tranquilly up to heaven, we know that that is -St. Mark. When we see a monk with a book -and a pen, looking tranquilly up to heaven, trying -to think of a word, we know that that is -St. Matthew. When we see a monk sitting on -a rock, looking tranquilly up to heaven, with -a human skull beside him, and without other -baggage, we know that that is St. Jerome. Because -we know that he always went flying light -in the matter of baggage. When we see a -party looking tranquilly up to heaven, unconscious -that his body is shot through and through -with arrows, we know that that is St. Sebastian. -When we see other monks looking tranquilly -up to heaven, but having no trademark, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_19'>19</span>we always ask who those parties are. We do -this because we humbly wish to learn....</p> - -<p class='c010'>And so, having satisfied ourselves, we depart -to-morrow, and leave the venerable Queen of -the Republics to summon her vanished ships, -and marshal her shadowy armies, and know -again in dreams the pride of her old renown.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At Pisa</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The Baptistery, which is a few years older -than the Leaning Tower, is a stately rotunda -of huge dimensions, and was a costly structure. -In it hangs the lamp whose measured swing -suggested to Galileo the pendulum. It looked -an insignificant thing to have conferred upon -the world of science and mechanics such a -mighty extension of their dominions as it has. -Pondering, in its suggestive presence, I seemed -to see a crazy universe of swinging disks, the -toiling children of this sedate parent. He appeared -to have an intelligent expression about -him of knowing that he was not a lamp at all; -that he was a Pendulum; a pendulum disguised, -for prodigious and inscrutable purposes of his -own deep devising, and not a common pendulum -either, but the old original patriarchal -<span class='pageno' id='Page_20'>20</span>Pendulum—the Abraham Pendulum of the -world.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Christian Persuasion</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>How times have changed, between the older -ages and the new! Some seventeen or eighteen -centuries ago, the ignorant men of Rome were -wont to put Christians in the arena of the -Coliseum yonder, and turn the wild beasts in -upon them, for show. It was for a lesson as -well. It was to teach the people to abhor -and fear the new doctrine the followers of -Christ were teaching. The beasts tore the victims -limb from limb and made poor mangled -corpses of them in the twinkling of an eye. -But when the Christians came into power, -when the holy Mother Church became mistress -of the barbarians, she taught them the -error of their ways by no such means. No, -she put them in this pleasant Inquisition and -pointed to the Blessed Redeemer, who was so -gentle and so merciful toward all men, and they -urged the barbarians to love him; and they did -all they could to persuade them to love and -honor him—first by twisting their thumbs out -of joint with a screw; then by nipping their -flesh with pincers—red-hot ones, because they -are the most comfortable in cold weather; then -<span class='pageno' id='Page_21'>21</span>by skinning them alive a little, and finally by -roasting them in public. They always convinced -those barbarians. The true religion, -properly administered, as the good Mother -Church used to administer it, is very, very -soothing. It is wonderfully persuasive also. -There is a great difference between feeding -parties to wild beasts and stirring up their finer -feelings in an Inquisition. One is the system -of degraded barbarians, the other of enlightened -civilized people. It is a great pity the -playful Inquisition is no more.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Taking It Out of the Guides</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I never felt so fervently thankful, so soothed, -so tranquil, so filled with a blessed peace, as I -did yesterday when I learned that Michael -Angelo was dead.</p> - -<p class='c010'>But we have taken it out of this guide. He -has marched us through miles of pictures and -sculpture in the vast corridors of the Vatican; -and through miles of pictures and sculpture in -twenty other palaces; he has shown us the great -picture in the Sistine Chapel, and frescoes -enough to fresco the heavens—pretty much all -done by Michael Angelo. So with him we -have played that game which has vanquished so -<span class='pageno' id='Page_22'>22</span>many guides for us—imbecility and idiotic questions. -These creatures never suspect—they have -no idea of a sarcasm.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He shows us a figure and says: “Statoo -brunzo.” (Bronze statue).</p> - -<p class='c010'>We look at it indifferently and the doctor -asks: “By Michael Angelo?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No—not know who.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Then he shows us the ancient Roman Forum. -The doctor asks: “Michael Angelo?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>A stare from the guide. “No—a thousan’ -year before he is born.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Then an Egyptian obelisk. Again: “Michael -Angelo?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">mon dieu</span>, genteelman! Zis is TWO -thousan’ year before he is born.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>He grows so tired of that unceasing question -sometimes, that he dreads to show us anything -at all. The wretch has tried all the ways he -can think of to make us comprehend that Michael -Angelo is only responsible for the creation of a -<em>part</em> of the world, but somehow he has not succeeded -yet. Relief for overtasked eyes and brain -from study and sightseeing is necessary, or we -shall become idiotic, sure enough. Therefore -this guide must continue to suffer. If he does -not enjoy it, so much the worse for him. We do.</p> - -<p class='c010'>In this place I might as well jot down a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_23'>23</span>chapter concerning those necessary nuisances, -European guides. Many a man has wished in -his heart he could do without his guide; but -knowing he could not, has wished he could get -some amusement out of him as a remuneration -for the affliction of his society. We accomplished -this latter matter, and if our experience can be -made useful to others they are welcome to it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Guides know about enough English to tangle -everything up so that a man can make neither -head nor tail of it. They know their story by -heart—the history of every statue, painting, cathedral, -or other wonder they show you. They -know it and tell it as a parrot would—and if -you interrupt, and throw them off the track, -they have to go back and begin over again. All -their lives long, they are employed in showing -strange things to foreigners and listening to their -bursts of admiration. It is human nature to -take delight in exciting admiration. It is what -prompts children to say “smart” things, and to -do absurd ones, and in other ways “show off” -when company is present. It is what makes -gossips turn out in rain and storm to go and be -the first to tell a startling bit of news. Think, -then, what a passion it becomes with a guide, -whose privilege it is, every day, to show to -strangers wonders that throw them into perfect -<span class='pageno' id='Page_24'>24</span>ecstasies of admiration! He gets so that he -could not by any possibility live in a soberer -atmosphere. After we discovered this, we <em>never</em> -went into ecstasies any more—we never admired -anything—we never showed any but impassible -faces and stupid indifference in the presence of -the sublimest wonders a guide had to display. -We had found their weak point. We have -made good use of it ever since. We have made -some of those people savage, at times, but we -have never lost our own serenity.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The doctor asks the questions, generally, because -he can keep his countenance, and look more -like an inspired idiot, and throw more imbecility -into the tone of his voice than any man that -lives. It comes natural to him.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The guides in Genoa are delighted to secure -an American party, because Americans have so -much wonder, and deal so much in sentiment -and emotion before any relic of Columbus. Our -guide there fidgeted about as if he had swallowed -a spring mattress. He was full of animation—full -of impatience. He said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Come wis me, genteelmen!—come! I show -you ze letter writing by Christopher Colombo! -write it himself!—write it wis his own hand!—come!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>He took us to the municipal palace. After -<span class='pageno' id='Page_25'>25</span>much impressive fumbling of keys and opening -of locks, the stained and aged document was -spread before us. The guide’s eyes sparkled. -He danced about us and tapped the parchment -with his finger:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What I tell you, genteelmen! Is it not so? -See! handwriting Christopher Colombo!—write -it himself!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>We looked indifferent—unconcerned. The -doctor examined the document very deliberately, -during a painful pause. Then he said, without -any show of interest:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah—Ferguson—what—what did you say -was the name of the party who wrote this?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Christopher Colombo! ze great Christopher -Colombo.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Another deliberate examination.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah—did he write it himself, or—or how?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“He write it himself!—Christopher Colombo! -he’s own handwriting, write by himself!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Then the doctor laid the document down and -said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, I have seen boys in America only fourteen -years old that could write better than that.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“But zis is ze great Christo——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I don’t care who it is! It’s the worst writing -I ever saw. Now you mustn’t think you -can impose on us because we are strangers. We -<span class='pageno' id='Page_26'>26</span>are not fools, by a good deal. If you have got -any specimens of penmanship of real merit, trot -them out!—and if you haven’t, drive on!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>We drove on. The guide was considerably -shaken up, but he made one more venture. He -had something which he thought would overcome -us. He said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah, genteelmen, you come wis me! I show -you beautiful, oh, magnificent bust Christopher -Colombo!—splendid, grand, magnificent!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>He brought us before the beautiful bust—for -it <em>was</em> beautiful—and sprang back and -struck an attitude:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah, look, genteelmen!—beautiful, grand,—bust -Christopher Colombo!—Beautiful bust, -beautiful pedestal!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The doctor put up his eyeglass—procured for -such occasions:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah—what did you say this gentleman’s name -was?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Christopher Colombo! ze great Christopher -Colombo!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Christopher Colombo—the great Christopher -Colombo. Well what did <em>he</em> do?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Discover America!—discover America, oh, -ze devil!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Discover America. No—that statement will -hardly wash. We are just from America ourselves. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_27'>27</span>We heard nothing about it. Christopher -Colombo—pleasant name—is—is he dead?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, <span lang="it" xml:lang="it">corpo di Baccho</span>!—three hundred year!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What did he die of?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I do not know!—I cannot tell.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Smallpox, think?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I do not know, genteelmen!—I do not know -<em>what</em> he die of!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Measles, likely?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Maybe—maybe—I do not know—I think -he die of somethings.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Parents living?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Im-posseeble!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah—which is the bust and which is the -pedestal?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Santa Maria!—<em>zis</em> ze bust!—<em>zis</em> ze pedestal!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah, I see, I see—happy combination—very -happy combination, indeed. Is—is this the first -time this gentleman was ever on a bust?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>That joke was lost on the foreigner—guides -cannot master subtleties of the American joke.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We have made it interesting for this Roman -guide. Yesterday we spent three or four hours -in the Vatican again, that wonderful world of -curiosities. We came very near expressing interest, -sometimes—even admiration—it was very -hard to keep from it. We succeeded though. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_28'>28</span>Nobody else ever did, in the Vatican museums. -The guide was bewildered—nonplussed. He -walked his legs off, nearly, hunting up extraordinary -things, and exhausted all his ingenuity -on us, but it was a failure; we never showed -any interest in anything. He had reserved what -he considered to be his greatest wonder till the -last—a royal Egyptian mummy; the best-preserved -in the world, perhaps. He took us there. -He felt so sure, this time, that some of his old -enthusiasm came back to him:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“See, genteelmen!—Mummy! Mummy!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The eyeglass came up as calmly, as deliberately -as ever.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah,—Ferguson—what did I understand you -to say the gentleman’s name was?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Name?—he got no name! Mummy!—’Gyptian -mummy!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, yes. Born here?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No! <em>’Gyptian</em> mummy!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah, just so. Frenchman, I presume?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No!—<em>Not</em> Frenchman, not Roman!—born -in Egypta!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Born in Egypta. Never heard of Egypta before. -Foreign locality, likely. Mummy—mummy. -How calm he is—how self-possessed. -Is, ah—is he dead?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_29'>29</span>“Oh, <span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">SACRE BLEU</span>, been dead three thousan’ -year!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The doctor turned on him savagely:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Here, now, what do you mean by such conduct -as this! Playing us for Chinamen because -we are strangers and trying to learn. Trying -to impose your vile second-hand carcasses on -<em>us</em>!—thunder and lightning, I’ve a notion to—to—if -you’ve got a nice <em>fresh</em> corpse, fetch him -out!—or, by George, we’ll brain you!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>We make it exceedingly interesting for this -Frenchman. However, he has paid us back, -partly, without knowing it. He came to the -hotel this morning to ask if we were up, and he -endeavored as well as he could to describe us, -so that the landlord would know which persons -he meant. He finished with the casual remark -that we were lunatics. The observation was so -innocent and so honest that it amounted to a -very good thing for a guide to say.</p> - -<p class='c010'>There is one remark (already mentioned) -which never yet has failed to disgust these -guides. We use it always, when we can think of -nothing else to say. After they have exhausted -their enthusiasm pointing out to us and praising -the beauties of some ancient bronze image -or broken-legged statue, we look at it stupidly -and in silence for five, ten, fifteen minutes—as -<span class='pageno' id='Page_30'>30</span>long as we can hold out, in fact—and then -ask:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Is—is he dead?”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Surfeit of Art</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>When I was a schoolboy and was to have a -new knife, I could not make up my mind as to -which was the prettiest in the showcase, and I -did not think any of them were particularly -pretty; and so I chose with a heavy heart. But -when I looked at my purchase, at home, where -no glittering blades came into composition with -it, I was astonished to see how handsome it was. -To this day my new hats look better out of -the shop than they did in it, with other new -hats. It begins to dawn upon me now, that -possibly, what I have been taking for uniform -ugliness in the galleries may be uniform beauty, -after all. I honestly hope it is, to others, but -certainly it is not to me. Perhaps the reason -I used to enjoy going to the Academy of Fine -Arts in New York was because there were but -a few hundred paintings in it, and it did not -surfeit me to go through the list. I suppose -the Academy was bacon and beans in the Forty-Mile -Desert, and a European gallery is a state -dinner of thirteen courses. One leaves no sign -<span class='pageno' id='Page_31'>31</span>after him of the one dish, but the thirteen -frighten away his appetite and give him no satisfaction.</p> - -<p class='c010'>There is one thing I am certain of, though. -With all the Michael Angelos, the Raphaels, the -Guidos, and the other old masters, the sublime -history of Rome remains unpainted! They -painted Virgins enough, and Popes enough, and -saintly scarecrows enough, to people Paradise, -almost, and these things are all they did paint. -“Nero fiddling o’er burning Rome,” the assassination -of Caesar, the stirring spectacle of a hundred -thousand people bending forward with rapt interest, -in the coliseum, to see two skilful gladiators -hacking away each other’s lives, a tiger springing -upon a kneeling martyr—these and a thousand -other matters which we read of with a -living interest, must be sought for only in books—not -among the rubbish left by the old masters—who -are no more, I have the satisfaction of -informing the public.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At Pompeii</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Everywhere, you see things that make you -wonder how old these old houses were before -the night of destruction came—things, too, which -bring back those long-dead inhabitants and place -<span class='pageno' id='Page_32'>32</span>them living before your eyes. For instance: -The steps (two feet thick—lava blocks) that -lead up out of the school, and the same kind -of steps that lead up into the dress circle of the -principal theater, are almost worn through! -For ages the boys hurried out of that school, and -for ages their parents hurried into that theater, -and the nervous feet that have been dust and -ashes for eighteen centuries have left their record -for us to read to-day. I imagined I could -see crowds of gentlemen and ladies thronging -into the theater, with tickets for secured seats -in their hands, and on the wall I read the -imaginary placard, in infamous grammar, -“POSITIVELY NO FREE LIST, EXCEPT -MEMBERS OF THE PRESS!” Hanging -about the doorway (I fancied) were slouchy -Pompeiian street boys uttering slang and profanity, -and keeping a wary eye out for checks. -I entered the theater, and sat down in one of -the long rows of stone benches in the dress circle, -and looked at the place for the orchestra, and -the ruined stage, and around at the wide sweep -of empty boxes, and thought to myself, “This -house won’t pay.” I tried to imagine the music -in full blast, the leader of the orchestra beating -time, and the “versatile” So-and-So (who had -“just returned from a most successful tour in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_33'>33</span>the provinces to play his last and farewell engagement -of positively six nights only, in Pompeii, -previous to his departure for Herculaneum”) -charging around the stage and piling the -agony mountains high—but I could not do it -with such a “house” as that; those empty benches -tied my fancy down to dull reality. I said, -these people that ought to be here have been -dead, and still, and moldering to dust for ages -and ages, and will never care for the trifles and -follies of life any more forever—“Owing to circumstances, -etc., etc., there will not be any performance -to-night.” Close down the curtains. -Put out the lights.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Fame</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>After browsing among the stately ruins of -Rome, of Baiae, of Pompeii, and after glancing -down the long marble ranks of battered and -nameless imperial heads that stretch down the -corridors of the Vatican, one thing strikes me -with a force it never had before: the unsubstantial, -unlasting character of fame. Men -lived long lives, in the olden time, and struggled -feverishly through them, toiling like slaves, -in oratory, in generalship, or in literature, and -then laid them down and died, happy in the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_34'>34</span>possession of an enduring history and a deathless -name. Well, twenty little centuries flutter away, -and what is left of these things? A crazy inscription -on a block of stone, which snuffy antiquaries -bother over and tangle up and make -nothing out of but a bare name (which they -spell wrong)—no history, no tradition, no poetry—nothing -that can give it even a passing interest. -What may be left of General Grant’s great name -forty centuries hence? This—in the Encyclopedia -for A.D. 5868, possibly.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Uriah S. (or Z.) Grant—popular poet of -ancient times in the Aztec provinces of the United -States of British America. Some authors say -flourished about A.D. 742; but the learned Ah-ah -Foo-foo states that he was a contemporary of -Scharkspyre, the English poet, and flourished -about A.D. 1328, some three centuries <em>after</em> the -Trojan war instead of before it. He wrote -‘Rock me to Sleep, Mother,’”</p> - -<p class='c010'>These thoughts sadden me. I will to bed.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Athens from the Acropolis</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The full moon was riding high in the cloudless -heavens now. We sauntered carelessly and -unthinkingly to the edge of the lofty battlements -of the citadel, and looked down—a vision! And -<span class='pageno' id='Page_35'>35</span>such a vision! Athens by moonlight! The -prophet that thought the splendors of the New -Jerusalem were revealed to him, surely saw this -instead! It lay in the level plain right under our -feet—all spread abroad like a picture—and we -looked down upon it as we might have looked -from a balloon. We saw no semblance of a -street, but every house, every window, every -clinging vine, every projection, was as distinct -and sharply marked as if the time were noonday; -and yet there was no glare, no glitter, nothing -harsh or repulsive—the noiseless city was -flooded with the mellowest light that ever -streamed from the moon, and seemed like some -living creature wrapped in peaceful slumber. On -its further side was a little temple, whose delicate -pillars and ornate front glowed with a rich -luster that chained the eye like the spell; and -nearer by, the palace of the king reared its creamy -walls out of the midst of a great garden of -shrubbery that was flecked all over with a random -shower of amber lights—a spray of golden -sparks that lost their brightness in the glory of -the moon, and glinted softly upon the sea of -dark foliage like the pallid stars of the milky -way. Overhead the stately columns, majestic -still in their ruin—under foot the dreaming city—in -the distance the silver sea—not on the broad -<span class='pageno' id='Page_36'>36</span>earth is there another picture half so beautiful!</p> - -<p class='c010'>As we turned and moved again through the -temple, I wished that the illustrious men who -had sat in it in the remote ages could visit it -again and reveal themselves to our curious eyes—Plato, -Aristotle, Demosthenes, Socrates, Phocion, -Pythagoras, Euclid, Pindar, Xenophon, Herodotus, -Praxiteles and Phidias, Zeuxis the painter. -What a constellation of celebrated names! But -more than all, I wished that old Diogenes, groping -so patiently with his lantern, searching so -zealously for one solitary honest man in all the -world, might meander along and stumble on our -party. I ought not to say it, maybe, but still -I suppose he would have put out his light.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Constantinople</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Commercial morals, especially, are bad. There -is no gainsaying that. Greek, Turkish, and Armenian -morals consist only in attending church -regularly on the appointed Sabbaths, and in -breaking the ten commandments all the balance -of the week. It comes natural to them to lie -and cheat in the first place, and then they go -on and improve on nature until they arrive at -perfection. In recommending his son to a merchant -as a valuable salesman, a father does not -<span class='pageno' id='Page_37'>37</span>say he is a nice, moral, upright boy, and goes to -Sunday-school and is honest, but he says, “This -boy is worth his weight in broad pieces of a hundred—for -behold, he will cheat whomsoever hath -dealings with him, and from the Euxine to the -waters of Marmora there abideth not so gifted -a liar!” How is that for a recommendation? -The missionaries tell me that they hear encomiums -like that passed upon people every day. -They say of a person they admire, “Ah, he is a -charming swindler, and a most exquisite liar!”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Turkish Journalism</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The newspaper business has its inconveniences -in Constantinople. Two Greek papers and one -French one were suppressed here within a few -days of each other. No victories of the Cretans -are allowed to be printed. From time to time -the Grand Vizier sends a notice to the various -editors that the Cretan insurrection is entirely -suppressed, and although that editor knows better, -he still has to print the notice. The Levant -Herald is too fond of speaking praisefully of -Americans to be popular with the Sultan, who -does not relish our sympathy with the Cretans, -and therefore that paper has to be particularly -circumspect in order to keep out of trouble. Once -<span class='pageno' id='Page_38'>38</span>the editor, forgetting the official notice in his -paper that the Cretans were crushed out, printed -a letter of a very different tenor, from the American -Consul in Crete, and was fined two hundred -and fifty dollars for it. Shortly he printed another -from the same source and was imprisoned -three months for his pains. I think I could get -the assistant editorship of the Levant Herald, -but I am going to try to worry along without it.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Camel</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>By half-past six we were under way, and all -the Syrian world seemed to be under way also. -The road was filled with mule trains and long -processions of camels. This reminds me that -we have been trying for some time to think what -a camel looks like, and now we have made it out. -When he is down on all his knees, flat on his -breast to receive his load, he looks something -like a goose, swimming; and when he is upright -he looks like an ostrich with an extra set of legs. -Camels are not beautiful, and their long under -lip gives them an exceedingly “gallus” expression. -They have immense flat, forked cushions of -feet, that make a track in the dust like a pie with -a slice cut out of it. They are not particular -about their diet. They would eat a tombstone -<span class='pageno' id='Page_39'>39</span>if they could bite it. A thistle grows about here -which has needles on it that would pierce through -leather, I think; if one touches you, you can find -relief in nothing but profanity. The camels eat -these. They show by their actions that they -enjoy them. I suppose it would be a real treat -to a camel to have a keg of nails for supper.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At Noah’s Tomb</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Noah’s tomb is built of stone, and is covered -with a long stone building. Bucksheesh let us in. -The building had to be long, because the grave -of the honored old navigator is two hundred and -ten feet long itself! It is only about four feet -high, though. He must have cast a shadow like -a lightning-rod. The proof that this is the genuine -spot where Noah was buried can only be -doubted by uncommonly incredulous people. The -evidence is pretty straight. Shem, the son of -Noah, was present at the burial, and showed the -place to his descendants, who transmitted the -knowledge to their descendants, and the lineal -descendants of these introduced themselves to us -to-day. It was pleasant to make the acquaintance -of members of so respectable a family. It was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_40'>40</span>a thing to be proud of. It was the next thing -to being acquainted with Noah himself.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Damascus</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Damascus dates back anterior to the days of -Abraham, and is the oldest city in the world. -It was founded by Uz, the grandson of Noah. -“The early history of Damascus is shrouded in -the mists of a hoary antiquity.” Leave the matters -written of in the first eleven chapters of the -Old Testament out, and no recorded event has -occurred in the world but Damascus was in existence -to receive the news of it. Go back as far -as you will into the vague past, there was always -a Damascus. In the writings of every century -for more than four thousand years, its name has -been mentioned, and its praises sung. To Damascus, -years are only moments, decades are only -flitting trifles of time. She measures time, not -by days and months and years, but by the empires -she has seen rise and prosper and crumble -to ruin. She is a type of immortality. She saw -the foundations of Baalbec, and Thebes, and -Ephesus laid; she saw these villages grow into -mighty cities, and amaze the world with their -grandeur—and she has lived to see them desolate, -deserted, and given over to the owls and the bats. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_41'>41</span>She saw the Israelitish empire exalted, and she -saw it annihilated. She saw Greece rise, and -flourish two thousand years, and die. In her -old age she saw Rome built; she saw it overshadow -the world with its power; she saw it -perish. The few hundreds of years of Genoese -and Venetian might and splendor were, to grave -old Damascus, only a trifling scintillation hardly -worth remembering. Damascus has seen all that -has ever occurred on earth, and still she lives. -She has looked upon the dry bones of a thousand -empires and will see the tombs of a thousand -more before she dies. Though another -claims the name, old Damascus is by right the -Eternal City.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At Banias</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>It seems curious enough to us to be standing -on ground that was once actually pressed by the -feet of the Saviour. The situation is suggestive -of a reality and a tangibility that seem at variance -with the vagueness and mystery and ghostliness -that one naturally attaches to the character -of a god. I cannot comprehend yet that I am sitting -where a god has stood, and looking upon -the brook and the mountains which that god -looked upon, and am surrounded by dusky men -and women whose ancestors saw him, and even -<span class='pageno' id='Page_42'>42</span>talked with him, face to face, and carelessly, just -as they would have done with any other stranger. -I cannot comprehend this; the gods of my understanding -have been always hidden in clouds, -and very far away.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Healer in Palestine</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>As soon as the tribe found out that we had a -doctor in our party, they began to flock in from -all quarters. Dr. B., in the charity of his nature, -had taken a child from a wagon who sat -near by, and put some sort of a wash upon its -diseased eyes. That woman went off and started -the whole nation, and it was a sight to see them -swarm! The lame, the halt, the blind, the leprous—all -the distempers that are bred of indolence, -dirt, and iniquity—were represented in the -congress in ten minutes, and still they came! -Every woman that had a sick baby brought it -along, and every woman that hadn’t, borrowed -one. What reverent and what worshiping looks -they bent upon that dread, mysterious power, -the Doctor! They watched him take his phials -out; they watched him measure the particles of -white powder; they watched him add drops of -one precious liquid, and drops of another; they -lost not the slightest movement; their eyes were -<span class='pageno' id='Page_43'>43</span>riveted upon him with a fascination that nothing -could distract. I believe they thought he was -gifted like a god. When each individual got his -portion of medicine, his eyes were radiant with -joy—notwithstanding by nature they are a thankless -and impassive race—and upon his face was -written the unquestioning faith that nothing on -earth could prevent the patient from getting well, -now.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Christ knew how to preach to these simple, superstitious, -disease-tortured creatures: He healed -the sick. They flocked to our poor human doctor -this morning when the fame of what he had -done to the sick child went abroad in the land, -and they worshiped him with their eyes while -they did not know as yet whether there was virtue -in his simples or not. The ancestors of these—people -precisely like them in color, dress, manners, -costumes, simplicity—flocked in vast multitudes -after Christ, and when they saw Him make -the afflicted whole with a word, it is no wonder -they worshiped Him. No wonder His deeds were -the talk of the nation. No wonder the multitude -that followed Him was so great that at one time—thirty -miles from here—they had to let a sick -man down through the roof because no approach -could be made to the door; no wonder His -audiences were so great at Galilee that He had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_44'>44</span>to preach from a ship removed a little distance -from the shore; no wonder that even in<a id='t44'></a> the desert -places about Bethsaida, five thousand invaded -His solitude, and He had to feed them by a -miracle or else see them suffer for their confiding -faith and devotion; no wonder when there was -a great commotion in a city in those days, one -neighbor explained it to another in words to this -effect: “They say that Jesus of Nazareth is -come!”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Bible</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>It is hard to make a choice of the most beautiful -passage in a book which is so gemmed with -beautiful passages, as the Bible; but it is certain -that not many things within its lids may take -rank above the exquisite story of Joseph. Who -taught those ancient writers their simplicity of -language, their felicity of expression, their pathos, -and, above all, their faculty of sinking themselves -entirely out of sight of the reader and making -the narrative stand out alone and seem to -tell itself? Shakespeare is always present when -one reads his book; Macaulay is present when -we follow the march of his stately sentences; but -the Old Testament writers are hidden from view.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Galilee at Night</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In the starlight, Galilee has no boundaries but -<span class='pageno' id='Page_45'>45</span>the broad compass of the heavens, and is a theater -meet for great events; meet for the birth of -a religion able to save a world; and meet for -the stately figure appointed to stand upon its -stage and proclaim its high decrees. But in the -sunlight, one says: Is it for the deeds which -were done and the words which were spoken in -this little acre of rocks and sand eighteen centuries -gone, that the bells are ringing to-day in -the remote islands of the sea and far and wide -over continents that clasp the circumference of -the huge globe?</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Distance in the East</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In Constantinople you ask, “How far is it to -the Consulate?” and they answer, “About ten -minutes.” “How far is it to the Lloyds’ -Agency?” “Quarter of an hour.” “How far is -it to the lower bridge?” “Four minutes.” I -cannot be positive about it, but I think that there, -when a man orders a pair of pantaloons, he says -he wants them a quarter of a minute in the legs -and nine seconds around the waist.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Pleasant Incident</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I cannot think of anything now more certain -to make one shudder, than to have a soft-footed -<span class='pageno' id='Page_46'>46</span>camel sneak up behind him and touch him on -the ear with its cold, flabby under lip. A camel -did this for one of the boys, who was drooping -over his saddle in a brown study. He glanced up -and saw the majestic apparition hovering above -him, and made frantic efforts to get out of the -way, but the camel reached out and bit him on -the shoulder before he accomplished it. This was -the only pleasant incident of the journey.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Sacred Marvels</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Imagination labors best in distant fields. I -doubt if any man can stand in the Grotto of -the Annunciation and people with the phantom -images of his mind its too tangible walls of stone.</p> - -<p class='c010'>They showed us a broken granite pillar, depending -from the roof, which they said was -hacked in two by the Moslem conquerors of -Nazareth, in the vain hope of pulling down the -sanctuary. But the pillar remained miraculously -suspended in the air, and, unsupported itself, supported -then and still supports the roof. By -dividing this statement up among eight, it was -found not difficult to believe it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>These gifted Latin monks never do anything -by halves. If they were to show you the Brazen -Serpent that was elevated in the wilderness, you -<span class='pageno' id='Page_47'>47</span>could depend upon it that they had on hand the -pole it was elevated on also, and even the hole -it stood in. They have got the “Grotto” of the -Annunciation here; and just as convenient to -it as one’s throat is to his mouth, they have also -the Virgin’s Kitchen, and even her sitting-room, -where she and Joseph watched the infant Saviour -play with Hebrew toys, eighteen hundred years -ago. All under one roof, and all clean, spacious, -comfortable “grottoes.” It seems curious that -personages intimately connected with the Holy -Family always lived in grottoes—in Nazareth, -in Bethlehem, in imperial Ephesus—and yet nobody -else in their day and generation thought -of doing anything of the kind. If they ever -did, their grottoes are all gone, and I suppose we -ought to wonder at the peculiar marvel of the -preservation of these I speak of. When the Virgin -fled from Herod’s wrath, she hid in a -grotto in Bethlehem, and the same is there to -this day. The slaughter of the innocents in Bethlehem -was done in a grotto; the Saviour was -born in a grotto—both are shown to pilgrims yet. -It is exceedingly strange that these tremendous -events all happened in grottoes—and exceedingly -fortunate, likewise, because the strongest houses -<span class='pageno' id='Page_48'>48</span>must crumble to ruin in time, but a grotto in the -living rock will last forever.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At Adam’s Grave</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The tomb of Adam! How touching it was, -here in a land of strangers, far away from home, -and friends, and all who cared for me, thus to -discover the grave of a blood relation. True, a -distant one, but still a relation. The unerring -instinct of nature thrilled its recognition. The -fountain of my filial affection was stirred to its -profoundest depths, and I gave way to tumultuous -emotion. I leaned upon a pillar and burst -into tears. I deem it no shame to have wept over -the grave of my poor dead relative. Let him who -would sneer at my emotion close this volume here, -for he will find little to his taste in my journeyings -through the Holy Land. Noble old man—he -did not live to see me—he did not live to see -his child. And I—I—alas, I did not live to see -<em>him</em>. Weighed down by sorrow and disappointment, -he died before I was born—six thousand -brief summers before I was born. But let us -try to bear it with fortitude. Let us trust that -he is better off where he is. Let us take comfort -in the thought that his loss is our eternal -gain.</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_49'>49</span> - <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Wandering Jew</span></h3> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>And so we came at last to another wonder, of -deep and abiding interest—the veritable house -where the unhappy wretch once lived who has -been celebrated in song and story for more than -eighteen hundred years as the Wandering Jew. -On the memorable day of the Crucifixion he -stood in this old doorway with his arms akimbo, -looking out upon the struggling mob that was approaching, -and when the weary Saviour would -have sat down and rested him a moment, pushed -him rudely away and said, “Move on!” The -Lord said, “Move on, thou, likewise,” and the -command has never been<a id='t49'></a> revoked from that day to -this. All men know now that the miscreant upon -whose head that just curse fell has roamed up -and down the wide world, for ages and ages, -seeking rest and never finding it—courting death -but always in vain—longing to stop, in city, in -wilderness, in desert solitudes, yet hearing always -that relentless warning to march—march -on! They say—do these hoary traditions—that -when Titus sacked Jerusalem and slaughtered -eleven hundred thousand Jews in her streets and -byways, the Wandering Jew was seen always in -the thickest of the fight, and that when battle-axes -gleamed in the air, he bowed his head beneath -<span class='pageno' id='Page_50'>50</span>them; when swords flashed their deadly -lightnings, he sprang in their way; he bared his -breast to whizzing javelins, to hissing arrows, to -any and to every weapon that promised death -and forgetfulness, and rest. But it was useless—he -walked forth out of the carnage without a -wound. And it is said that five hundred years -afterwards he followed Mahomet when he carried -destruction to the cities of Arabia, and then -turned against him, hoping in this way to win the -death of a traitor. His calculations were wrong -again. No quarter was given to any living creature -but one, and that was the only one of all -the host that did not want it. He sought death -five hundred years later, in the wars of the Crusades, -and offered himself to famine and pestilence -at Ascalon. He escaped again—he could -not die. These repeated annoyances could have -at last but one effect—they shook his confidence. -Since then the Wandering Jew has carried on a -kind of desultory toying with the most promising -of the aids and implements of destruction, but -with small hope, as a general thing. He has -speculated some in cholera and railroads and has -taken almost a lively interest in infernal machines -and patent medicines. He is old, now, -and grave, as becomes an age like his; he indulges -<span class='pageno' id='Page_51'>51</span>in no light amusements save that he goes -sometimes to executions, and is fond of funerals.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Bedouins</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We had had a glimpse, from a mountain top, -of the Dead Sea, lying like a blue shield in the -plain of the Jordan, and now we were marching -down a close, flaming, rugged, desolate defile, -where no living creature could enjoy life, except, -perhaps, a salamander. It was such a -dreary, repulsive, horrible solitude! It was the -“wilderness” where John preached, with camel’s -hair about his loins—raiment enough—but he -never could have got his locusts and wild honey -here. We were moping along down through -this dreadful place, every man in the rear. Our -guards—two gorgeous young Arab sheiks, with -cargoes of swords, guns, pistols, and daggers on -board—were loafing ahead.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Bedouins!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Every man shrunk up and disappeared in his -clothes like a mud-turtle. My first impulse was -to dash forward and destroy the Bedouins. My -second was to dash to the rear to see if there were -any coming in that direction. I acted on the -latter impulse. So did all the others. If any -Bedouins had approached us, then, from that point -<span class='pageno' id='Page_52'>52</span>of compass, they would have paid dearly for -their rashness. We all remarked that, afterwards. -There would have been scenes of riot -and bloodshed there that no pen could describe. -I know that, because each man told what he -would have done, individually; and such a medley -of strange and unheard-of inventions of -cruelty you could not conceive of. One man said -he had calmly made up his mind to perish where -he stood, if need be, but never yield an inch; -he was going to wait, with deadly patience, till -he could count the stripes on the first Bedouin’s -jacket, and then count them and let him have it. -Another was going to sit still till the first lance -reached within an inch of his breast, and then -dodge it and seize it. I forbear to tell what he -was going to do to that Bedouin that owned it. -It makes my blood run cold to think of it.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Smitten Land</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Palestine sits in sackcloth and ashes. Over it -broods the spell of a curse that has withered its -fields and fettered its energies. Where Sodom -and Gomorrah reared their domes and towers, -that solemn sea now floods the plain, in whose -bitter waters no living thing exists—over whose -waveless surface the blistering air hangs motionless -<span class='pageno' id='Page_53'>53</span>and dead—about whose borders nothing -grows but weeds, and scattering tufts of cane, -and that treacherous fruit that promises refreshment -to parching lips, but turns to ashes at the -touch. Nazareth is forlorn; about that ford of -Jordan where the hosts of Israel entered the -Promised Land with songs of rejoicing, one finds -only a squalid camp of fantastic Bedouins of the -desert; Jericho the accursed lies a moldering ruin -to-day, even as Joshua’s miracle left it more than -three thousand years ago; Bethlehem and Bethany, -in their poverty and their humiliation, have -nothing about them now to remind one that they -once knew the high honor of the Saviour’s presence; -the hallowed spot where the shepherds -watched their flocks by night, and where the -angels sang “Peace on earth, good will to men,” -is untenanted by any living creature, and unblessed -by any feature that is pleasant to the eye. -Renowned Jerusalem itself, the stateliest name in -history, has lost all its ancient grandeur, and is -become a pauper village; the riches of Solomon -are no longer there to compel the admiration of -visiting Oriental queens; the wonderful temple, -which was the pride and glory of Israel, is -gone, and the Ottoman crescent is lifted above -the spot where, on that most memorable day in -the annals of the world, they reared the Holy -<span class='pageno' id='Page_54'>54</span>Cross. The noted Sea of Galilee, where Roman -fleets once rode at anchor and the disciples of -the Saviour sailed in their ships, was long ago -deserted by the devotees of war and commerce, -and its borders are a silent wilderness; Capernaum -is a shapeless ruin; Magdala is the home -of beggared Arabs; Bethsaida and Chorazin have -vanished from the earth, and the “desert places” -round about them, where thousands of men once -listened to the Saviour’s voice and ate the -miraculous bread, sleep in the hush of a solitude -that is inhabited only by birds of prey and skulking -foxes.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Palestine is desolate and unlovely. And why -should it be otherwise? Can the <em>curse</em> of the -Deity beautify a land?</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Sphinx</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>After years of waiting, it was before me at -last. The great face was so sad, so earnest, so -longing, so patient. There was a dignity not of -earth in its mien, and in its countenance a benignity -such as never anything human wore. It -was stone, but seemed sentient. If ever image -of stone thought, it was thinking. It was looking -toward the verge of the landscape, yet looking -<em>at</em> nothing—nothing but distance and vacancy. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_55'>55</span>It was looking over and beyond everything -of the present, and far into the past. It -was gazing out over the ocean of Time—over -lines of century-waves which, further and further -receding, closed nearer and nearer together, and -blended at last into one unbroken tide, away -toward the horizon of remote antiquity. It was -thinking of the wars of departed ages; of the -empires it had seen created and destroyed; of the -nations whose birth it had witnessed, whose progress -it had watched, whose annihilation it had -noted; of the joy and sorrow, the life and death, -the grandeur and decay, of five thousand slow -revolving years. It was the type of an attribute -of man—of a faculty of his heart and brain. -It was MEMORY—RETROSPECTION—wrought -into visible, tangible form. All who -know what pathos there is in memories of days -that are accomplished and faces that have vanished—albeit -only a trifling score of years gone -by—will have some appreciation of the pathos -that dwells in these grave eyes that look so -steadfastly back upon the things they knew before -History was born—before tradition had being—things -that were, and forms that moved, in -a vague era which even Poetry and Romance -scarce know of—and passed one by one away and -left the stony dreamer solitary in the midst of -<span class='pageno' id='Page_56'>56</span>a strange new age, and uncomprehended scenes.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The Sphinx is grand in its loneliness; it is -imposing in its magnitude; it is impressive in -the mystery that hangs over its story. And there -is that in the overshadowing majesty of this -eternal figure of stone, with its accusing memory -of the deeds of all ages, which reveals to one -something of what he shall feel when he shall -stand at last in the awful presence of God.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Memories of the Pilgrimage</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We shall remember something of pleasant -France; and something also of Paris, though it -flashed upon us a splendid meteor, and was gone -again, we hardly knew how or where. We shall -remember, always, how we saw majestic Gibraltar -glorified with the rich coloring of a Spanish -sunset and swimming in a sea of rainbows. In -fancy we shall see Milan again, and her stately -cathedral with its marble wilderness of graceful -spires. And Padua—Verona—Como, jeweled -with stars; and patrician Venice, afloat on her -stagnant flood—silent, desolate, haughty—scornful -of her humbled state—wrapping herself in -memories of her lost fleets, of battle and triumph, -and all the pageantry of a glory that is departed.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We cannot forget Florence—Naples—nor the -foretaste of heaven that is in the delicious atmosphere -<span class='pageno' id='Page_57'>57</span>of Greece—and surely not Athens and the -broken temples of the Acropolis. Surely not venerable -Rome—nor the green plain that compasses -her round about, contrasting its brightness with -her gray decay—nor the ruined arches that stand -apart in the plain and clothe their looped and -windowed raggedness with vines. We shall remember -St. Peter’s; not as one sees it when he -walks the streets of Rome and fancies all her -domes are just alike, but as he sees it leagues -away, when every meaner edifice has faded out -of sight and that one dome looms superbly up -in the flush of sunset, full of dignity and grace, -strongly outlined as a mountain.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We shall remember Constantinople and the -Bosporus—the colossal magnificence of Baalbec—the -Pyramids of Egypt—the prodigious form, the -benignant countenance of the Sphinx—Oriental -Smyrna—sacred Jerusalem—Damascus, the -“Pearl of the East,” the pride of Syria, the fabled -Garden of Eden, the home of princes and -genii of the Arabian Nights, the oldest metropolis -on the earth, the one city in all the world that -has kept its name and held its place and looked -serenely on while the Kingdoms and Empires of -four thousand years have risen to life, enjoyed -their little season of pride and pomp and then -vanished and been forgotten!</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_58'>58</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “ROUGHING IT”</h2> -</div> -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Starting West</span><br /> (1870–71)</h3> - -<p class='c012'>We were six days going from St. Louis to -“St. Joe”—a trip that was so dull, and sleepy, -and eventless that it has left no more impression -on my memory than if its duration had been six -minutes instead of that many days. No record -is left in my mind, now, concerning it, but a -confused jumble of savage looking snags, which -we deliberately walked over with one wheel or -the other; and of reefs which we butted and -butted, and then retired from and climbed over -in some softer place; and of sand-bars which -we roosted on occasionally, and rested, and then -got out our crutches and sparred over. In fact, -the boat might almost as well have gone to St. -Joe by land, for she was walking most of the -time, anyhow—climbing over reefs and clambering -over snags patiently and laboriously all day -long. The captain said she was a “bully” boat, -and all she wanted was more “shear” and a bigger -<span class='pageno' id='Page_59'>59</span>wheel. I thought she wanted a pair of stilts, -but I had the deep sagacity not to say so.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>George Bemis and “The Allen”</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Mr. George Bemis was dismally formidable. -George Bemis was our fellow traveler. We had -never seen him before. He wore in his belt an -old original “Allen” revolver, such as irreverent -people called a “pepper-box.” Simply drawing -the trigger back, cocked and fired the pistol. As -the trigger came back, the hammer would begin -to rise and the barrel to turn over, and presently -down would drop the hammer, and away would -speed the ball. To aim along the turning barrel -and hit the thing aimed at was a feat which -was probably never done with an “Allen” in the -world. But George’s was a reliable weapon, -nevertheless, because, as one of the stage-drivers -afterwards said, “If she didn’t get what she went -after, she would fetch something else.”</p> - -<p class='c009'>And so she did. She went after a deuce of -spades nailed against a tree, once, and fetched -a mule standing about thirty yards to the left -of it. Bemis did not want the mule; but the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_60'>60</span>owner came out with a double-barreled shot-gun -and persuaded him to buy it, anyhow.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Overland Stage</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Our coach was a great swinging and swaying -stage, of the most sumptuous description—an imposing -cradle on wheels. It was drawn by six -handsome horses, and by the side of the driver sat -the “conductor,” the legitimate captain of the -craft; for it was his business to take charge and -care of the mails, baggage, express matter, and -passengers. We three were the only passengers, -this trip. We sat on the back seat, inside. About -all the rest of the coach was full of mail bags—for -we had three days’ delayed mails with us. -Almost touching our knees, a perpendicular wall -of mail matter rose up to the roof. There was -a great pile of it strapped on top of the stage, -and both the fore and hind boots were full. -We had twenty-seven hundred pounds of it -aboard, the driver said—“a little for Brigham, -and Carson, and ’Frisco, but the heft of it for -the Injuns, which is powerful troublesome ’thout -they get plenty of truck to read.” But as he -just then got up a fearful convulsion of his countenance -which was suggestive of a wink being -swallowed by an earthquake, we guessed that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_61'>61</span>his remark was intended to be facetious, and to -mean that we would unload the most of our mail -matter somewhere on the plains and leave it to -the Indians, or whosoever wanted it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We changed horses every ten miles, all day -long, and fairly flew over the hard level road. -We jumped out and stretched our legs every time -the coach stopped, and so the night found us -still vivacious and unfatigued.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Morning on the Plains</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Another night of alternate tranquillity and turmoil. -But morning came, by and by. It was -another glad awakening to fresh breezes, vast -expanses of level greensward, bright sunlight, -an impressive solitude, utterly without visible -human beings or human habitations, and an atmosphere -of such amazing magnifying properties -that trees that seemed close at hand were more -than three miles away. We resumed undress -uniform, climbed a-top of the flying coach, dangled -our legs over the side, shouted occasionally -at our frantic mules, merely to see them lay their -ears back and scamper faster, tied our hats on -to keep our hair from blowing away, and leveled -an outlook over the world-wide carpet about us -for things new and strange to gaze at. Even at -<span class='pageno' id='Page_62'>62</span>this day it thrills me through and through to -think of the life, the gladness and the wild sense -of freedom that used to make the blood dance in -my veins on those fine overland mornings.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Cayote</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The cayote is a long, slim, sick and sorry-looking -skeleton, with a gray wolf-skin stretched -over it, a tolerably bushy tail that forever sags -down with a despairing expression of forsakenness -and misery, a furtive and evil eye, and a long, -sharp face, with slightly lifted lip and exposed -teeth. He has a general slinking expression all -over. The cayote is a living, breathing allegory -of Want. He is <em>always</em> hungry. He is always -poor, out of luck and friendless. The meanest -creatures despise him, and even the fleas would -desert him for a velocipede. He is so spiritless -and cowardly that even while his exposed teeth -are pretending a threat, the rest of his face is -apologizing for it. And he is <em>so</em> homely!—so -scrawny, and ribby, and coarse-haired, and pitiful. -When he sees you he lifts his lip and lets -a flash of his teeth out, and then turns a little -out of the course he was pursuing, depresses his -head a bit, and strikes a long, soft-footed trot -through the sagebrush, glancing over his shoulder -<span class='pageno' id='Page_63'>63</span>at you, from time to time, till he is about -out of easy pistol range, and then he stops and -takes a deliberate survey of you; he will trot -fifty yards and stop again—another fifty and -stop again; and finally the gray of his gliding -body blends with the gray of the sagebrush, -and he disappears. All this is when you make -no demonstration against him; but if you do, he -develops a livelier interest in his journey, and -instantly electrifies his heels and puts such a deal -of real estate between himself and your weapon, -that by the time you have raised the hammer -you see that you need a minie rifle, and -by the time you have got him in line you -need a rifled cannon, and by the time you have -“drawn a bead” on him you see well enough -that nothing but an unusually long-winded -streak of lightning could reach him where he is -now. But if you start a swift-footed dog after -him, you will enjoy it ever so much—especially -if it is a dog that has a good opinion of himself, -and has been brought up to think he knows -something about speed. The cayote will go -swinging gently off on that deceitful trot of his, -and every little while he will smile a fraudful -smile over his shoulder that will fill that dog -entirely full of encouragement and worldly ambition, -and make him lay his head still lower to the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_64'>64</span>ground, and stretch his neck further to the front, -and pant more fiercely, and stick his tail out -straighter behind, and move his furious legs with -a yet wilder frenzy, and leave a broader and -broader, and higher and denser cloud of desert -sand smoking behind, and marking his long wake -across the level plain! And all this time the -dog is only a short twenty feet behind the cayote, -and to save the soul of him he cannot understand -why it is that he cannot get perceptibly -closer; and he begins to get aggravated, and it -makes him madder and madder to see how gently -the cayote glides along and never pants or sweats -or ceases to smile; and he grows still more and -more incensed to see how shamefully he has been -taken in by an entire stranger, and what an ignoble -swindle that long, calm, soft-footed trot -is; and next he notices that he is getting fagged, -and that the cayote actually has to slacken speed -a little to keep from running away from him—and -<em>then</em> that town-dog is mad in earnest, and -he begins to strain and weep and swear, and -paw the sand higher than ever, and reach for -the cayote with concentrated and desperate energy. -This “spurt” finds him six feet behind -the gliding enemy, and two miles from his friends. -And then, in the instant that a wild new hope -is lighting up his face, the cayote turns and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_65'>65</span>smiles blandly upon him once more, and with a -something about it which seems to say, “Well, I -shall have to tear myself away from you, bud—business -is business, and it will not do for me to -be fooling along this way all day”—and forthwith -there is a rushing sound, and the sudden splitting -of a long crack through the atmosphere, -and behold that dog is solitary and alone in the -midst of a vast solitude!</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Pony Rider</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In a little while all interest was taken up in -stretching our necks and watching for the “pony-rider”—the -fleet messenger who sped across the -continent from St. Joe to Sacramento, carrying -letters nineteen hundred miles in eight days! -Think of that for perishable horse and human -flesh and blood to do! The pony-rider was -usually a little bit of a man, brimful of spirit -and endurance. No matter what time of the -day or night his watch came on, and no matter -whether it was winter or summer, raining, snowing, -hailing, or sleeting, or whether his “beat” -was a level straight road or a crazy trail over -mountain crags and precipices, or whether it -led through peaceful regions that swarmed with -hostile Indians, he must be always ready to leap -<span class='pageno' id='Page_66'>66</span>into the saddle and be off like the wind! There -was no idling-time for a pony-rider on duty. -He rode fifty miles without stopping by daylight, -moonlight, starlight, or through the blackness of darkness—just as it happened. He rode -a splendid horse that was born for a racer and -fed and lodged like a gentleman; kept him at -his utmost speed for ten miles, and then, as he -came crashing up to the station where stood two -men holding fast a fresh, impatient steed, the -transfer of rider and mail-bag was made in the -twinkling of an eye, and away flew the eager -pair and were out of sight before the spectator -could get hardly the ghost of a look. Both rider -and horse went “flying light.” The rider’s dress -was thin, and fitted close; he wore a “roundabout,” -and a skull-cap, and tucked his pantaloons -into his boot tops like a race-rider. He carried -no arms—he carried nothing that was not -absolutely necessary, for even the postage on his -literary freight was worth <em>five dollars a letter</em>. -He got but little frivolous correspondence to -carry—his bag had business letters in it, mostly. -His horse was stripped of all unnecessary weight, -too. He wore a little wafer of a racing-saddle, -and no visible blanket. He wore light shoes, -or none at all. The little flat mail-pockets -strapped under the rider’s thighs would each -<span class='pageno' id='Page_67'>67</span>hold about the bulk of a child’s primer. They -held many and many an important business -chapter and newspaper letter, but these were -written on paper as airy and thin as gold-leaf, -nearly, and thus bulk and weight were economized. -The stage-coach traveled about a hundred -to a hundred and twenty-five miles a day -(twenty-four hours), the pony-rider about two -hundred and fifty. There were about eighty -pony-riders in the saddle all the time, night and -day, stretching in a long, scattering procession -from Missouri to California, forty flying eastward, -and forty toward the west, and among -them making four hundred gallant horses earn -a stirring livelihood and see a deal of scenery -every single day in the year.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We had had a consuming desire, from the -beginning, to see a pony-rider, but somehow or -other all that passed us and all that met us managed -to streak by in the night, and so we heard -only a whiz and a hail, and the swift phantom -of the desert was gone before we could get our -heads out of the windows. But now we were -expecting one along every moment, and would -see him in broad daylight. Presently the driver -exclaims:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“HERE HE COMES.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Every neck is stretched further, and every eye -<span class='pageno' id='Page_68'>68</span>strained wider. Away across the endless dead -level of the prairie a black speck appears against -the sky, and it is plain that it moves. Well, -I should think so! In a second or two it becomes -a horse and rider, rising and falling, rising -and falling,—sweeping toward us nearer and -nearer—growing more and more distinct, more -and more sharply defined—nearer and still -nearer, and the flutter of the hoofs comes faintly -to the ear—another instant a whoop and a hurrah -from our upper deck, a wave of the rider’s -hand, but no reply, and a man and horse burst -past our excited faces, and go winging away like -a belated fragment of a storm!</p> - -<p class='c010'>So sudden is it all, and so like a flash of unreal -fancy, that but for the flake of white foam left -quivering and perishing on a mail-sack after the -vision had flashed by and disappeared, we might -have doubted whether we had seen any actual -horse and man at all, maybe.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Indian Country</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We had now reached a hostile Indian country, -and during the afternoon we passed Laparelle -Station, and enjoyed great discomfort all the -time we were in the neighborhood, being aware -that many of the trees we dashed by at arm’s -<span class='pageno' id='Page_69'>69</span>length concealed a lurking Indian or two. During -the preceding night an ambushed savage had -sent a bullet through the pony-rider’s jacket, but -he had ridden on, just the same, because pony-riders -were not allowed to stop and inquire into -such things except when killed. As long as -they had life enough in them they had to stick -to the horse and ride, even if the Indians had -been waiting for them a week, and were entirely -out of patience. About two hours and a -half before we arrived at Laparelle Station, -the keeper in charge of it had fired four times -at an Indian, but he said with an injured air -that the Indian had “skipped around so’s to spile -everything—and ammunition’s blamed skurse, -too.” The most natural inference conveyed by -his manner of speaking was, that in “skipping -around,” the Indian had taken an unfair advantage.... -We shut the blinds down very tightly -that first night in the hostile Indian country, -and lay on our arms. We slept on them some, -but most of the time we only lay on them. We -did not talk much, but kept quiet and listened. -It was an inky-black night, and occasionally -rainy. We were among woods and rocks, hills -and gorges—so shut in, in fact, that when we -peeped through a chink in a curtain, we could -discern nothing. The driver and conductor on -<span class='pageno' id='Page_70'>70</span>top were still, too, or only spoke at long intervals, -in low tones, as is the way of men in the -midst of invisible dangers. We listened to raindrops -pattering on the roof; and the grinding -of the wheels through the muddy gravel; and the -low wailing of the wind; and all the time we had -that absurd sense upon us, inseparable from -travel at night in a close-curtained vehicle, the -sense of remaining perfectly still in one place, -notwithstanding the jolting and swaying of the -vehicle, the trampling of the horses, and the -grinding of the wheels. We listened a long -time, with intent faculties and bated breath; -every time one of us would relax, and draw a -long sigh of relief and start to say something, a -comrade would be sure to utter a sudden -“Hark!” and instantly the experimenter was -rigid and listening again.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At the Summit of the Rockies</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>And now, at last, we were fairly in the renowned -SOUTH PASS, and whirling gaily -along, high above the common world. We -were perched upon the extreme summit of the -great range of the Rocky Mountains, toward -which we had been climbing, patiently climbing, -ceaselessly climbing, for days and nights together—and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_71'>71</span>about us was gathered a convention -of Nature’s kings that stood ten, twelve, and even -thirteen thousand feet high—grand old fellows -who would have to stoop to see Mount Washington, -in the twilight. We were in such an -airy elevation above the creeping populations of -the earth, that now and then when the obstructing -crags stood out of the way it seemed that we -could look around and abroad and contemplate -the whole great globe, with its dissolving views -of mountains, seas, and continents stretching -away through the mystery of the summer haze.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Incidents by the Way</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>At the Green River station we had breakfast—hot -biscuits, fresh antelope steaks, and coffee—the -only decent meal we tasted between the -United States and Great Salt Lake City and -the only one we were ever really thankful -for. Think of the monotonous execrableness -of the thirty that went before it, to leave -this one simple breakfast looming up in my -memory like a shot-tower after all these years -have gone by!</p> - -<p class='c010'>At five p. m. we reached Fort Bridger, one -hundred and seventeen miles from the South -Pass, and one thousand and twenty-five miles -<span class='pageno' id='Page_72'>72</span>from St. Joseph. Fifty-two miles further on, -near the head of Echo Canyon, we met sixty -United States soldiers from Camp Floyd. The -day before, they had fired upon three hundred -or four hundred Indians, whom they supposed -gathered together for no good purpose. In the -fight that had ensued, four Indians were captured, -and the main body chased four miles, but nobody -killed. This looked like business. We -had a notion to get out and join the sixty soldiers, -but upon reflecting that there were four -hundred of the Indians, we concluded to go on -and join the Indians.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Mormon Beauties</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Our stay in Salt Lake City amounted to only -two days, and therefore we had no time to make -the customary inquisition into the workings of -polygamy and get up the usual statistics and deductions -preparatory to calling the attention of -the nation at large once more to the matter. I -had the will to do it. With the gushing self-sufficiency -of youth I was feverish to plunge in -headlong and achieve a great reform here—until -I saw the Mormon women. Then I was -touched. My heart was wiser than my head. -It warmed toward these poor, ungainly, and pathetically -<span class='pageno' id='Page_73'>73</span>“homely” creatures, and as I turned -to hide the generous moisture in my eyes, I said, -“No—the man that marries one of them has -done an act of Christian charity which entitles -him to the kindly applause of mankind, not -harsh censure—and the man that marries sixty of -them has done a deed of open-handed generosity -so sublime that the nations should stand uncovered -in his presence and worship in silence.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Alkali Desert</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The poetry was all in the anticipation—there -is none in the reality. Imagine a vast, waveless -ocean stricken dead and turned to ashes; -imagine this solemn waste tufted with ash-dusted -sage-bushes; imagine the lifeless silence -and solitude that belong to such a place; imagine -a coach, creeping like a bug through the midst -of this shoreless level, and sending up tumbled -volumes of dust as if it were a bug that went -by steam; imagine this aching monotony of toiling -and plowing kept up hour after hour, and -the shore still as far away as ever, apparently; -imagine team, driver, coach and passengers so -deeply coated with ashes that they are all one -colorless color; imagine ash-drifts roosting above -mustaches and eyebrows like snow accumulations -<span class='pageno' id='Page_74'>74</span>on boughs and bushes. This is the reality of it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The sun beats down with dead, blistering, relentless -malignity; the perspiration is welling -from every pore in man and beast, but scarcely -a sign of it finds its way to the surface—it is absorbed -before it gets there; there is not the faintest -breath of air stirring; there is not a merciful -shred of cloud in all the brilliant firmament; -there is not a living creature visible in any direction -whither one searches the blank level that -stretches its monotonous miles on every hand; -there is not a sound—not a sigh—not a whisper—not -a buzz, or a whir of wings, or distant -pipe of bird—not even a sob from the lost souls -that doubtless people that dead air.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Arrival in Carson City</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>By and by Carson City was pointed out to -us. It nestled in the edge of a great plain and -was a sufficient number of miles away to look -like an assemblage of mere white spots in the -shadow of a grim range of mountains overlooking -it, whose summits seemed lifted clear out -of companionship and consciousness of earthly -things.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We arrived, disembarked, and the stage went -on. It was a “wooden” town; its population -<span class='pageno' id='Page_75'>75</span>two thousand souls. The main street consisted -of four or five blocks of little frame stores which -were too high to sit down on, but not too high -for various other purposes; in fact hardly high -enough. They were packed close together, side -by side, as if room were scarce in that mighty -plain. The sidewalk was of boards that were -more or less loose and inclined to rattle when -walked upon. In the middle of the town, opposite -the stores, was the “plaza,” which is native -to all towns beyond the Rocky Mountains—a -large, unfenced, level vacancy, with a liberty -pole in it, and very useful as a place for -public auctions, horse trades, and mass meetings, -and likewise for teamsters to camp in. Two -other sides of the plaza were faced by stores, -offices and stables. The rest of Carson City -was pretty scattering.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We were introduced to several citizens, at the -stage-office and on the way up to the Governor’s -from the hotel—among others, to a Mr. Harris, -who was on horseback; he began to say something, -but interrupted himself with the remark:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I’ll have to get you to excuse me a minute; -yonder is the witness that swore I helped to rob -the California coach—a piece of impertinent -intermeddling, sir, for I am not even acquainted -with the man.”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_76'>76</span>Then he rode over and began to rebuke the -stranger with a six-shooter, and the stranger began -to explain with another. When the pistols -were emptied, the stranger resumed his work -(mending a whip-lash), and Mr. Harris rode by -with a polite nod, homeward bound, with a -bullet through one of his lungs, and several -through his hips; and from them issued little -rivulets of blood that coursed down the horse’s -sides and made the animal look quite picturesque. -I never saw Harris shoot a man after that but -it recalled to mind that first day in Carson.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Lake Tahoe</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Three months of camp life on Lake Tahoe -would restore an Egyptian mummy to his pristine -vigor, and give him an appetite like an -alligator. I do not mean the oldest and driest -mummies, of course, but the fresher ones. The -air up there in the clouds is very pure and fine, -bracing and delicious. And why shouldn’t it -be?—it is the same the angels breathe. I think -that hardly any amount of fatigue can be gathered -together that a man cannot sleep off in one -night on the sand by its side. Not under a -roof, but under the sky; it seldom or never rains -there in the summer time. I know a man who -<span class='pageno' id='Page_77'>77</span>went there to die. But he made a failure of it. -He was a skeleton when he came, and could -barely stand. He had no appetite, and did nothing -but read tracts and reflect on the future. -Three months later he was sleeping out-of-doors -regularly, eating all he could hold, three times -a day, and chasing game over mountains three -thousand feet high for recreation. And he was -a skeleton no longer, but weighed part of a -ton. This is no fancy sketch, but the truth. -His disease was consumption. I confidently -commend his experience to other skeletons.</p> - -<p class='c010'>... As soon as we had eaten breakfast we -got in the boat and skirted along the lake shore -about three miles and disembarked. We liked -the appearance of the place, and so we claimed -some three hundred acres of it and stuck our -“notice” on a tree. It was yellow pine timber -land—a dense forest of trees a hundred feet -high and from one to five feet through at the -butt. It was necessary to fence our property -or we could not hold it. That is to say, it was -necessary to cut down trees here and there and -make them fall in such a way as to form a sort -of enclosure (with pretty wide gaps in it). We -cut down three trees apiece, and found it such -heart-breaking work that we decided to “rest -our case” on those; if they held the property, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_78'>78</span>well and good; if they didn’t, let the property -spill out through the gaps and go; it was no -use to work ourselves to death merely to save -a few acres of land. Next day we came back -to build a house—for a house was also necessary, -in order to hold the property. We decided to -build a substantial log-house and excite the envy -of the Brigade boys; but by the time we had cut -and trimmed the first log it seemed unnecessary -to be so elaborate, and so we concluded to build -it of saplings. However, two saplings duly cut -and trimmed, compelled recognition of the fact -that a still modester architecture would satisfy -the law, and so we concluded to build a “brush” -house. We devoted the next day to this work, -but we did so much “sitting around” and discussing -that by the middle of the afternoon we -had achieved only a half way sort of affair which -one of us had to watch while the other cut brush, -lest if both turned our backs we might not be -able to find it again, it had such a strong family -resemblance to the surrounding vegetation. -But we were satisfied with it.... We slept in -the sand close to the water’s edge, between two -protecting boulders, which took care of the -stormy night winds for us. We never took any -paregoric to make us sleep. At the first break -of dawn we were always up and running footraces -<span class='pageno' id='Page_79'>79</span>to tone down excess of physical vigor and -exuberance of spirits. That is, Johnny was—but -I held his hat. While smoking the pipe of -peace after breakfast we watched the sentinel -peaks put on the glory of the sun, and followed -the conquering light as it swept among the -shadows, and set the captive crags and forests -free. We watched the tinted pictures grow and -brighten upon the water till every little detail of -forest, precipice, and pinnacle was wrought in -and finished, and the miracle of the enchanter -complete. Then to “business.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>That is, drifting around in the boat. We -were on the north shore. There, the rocks on -the bottom are sometimes gray, sometimes white. -This gives the marvelous transparency of the -water a fuller advantage than it has elsewhere -on the lake. We usually pushed out a hundred -yards or so from the shore and then lay down -on the thwarts in the sun, and let the boat drift -by the hour whither it would. We seldom talked. -It interrupted the Sabbath stillness, and marred -the dreams, the luxurious rest and indolence -brought.... So singularly clear was the water, -that where it was only twenty or thirty feet -deep the bottom was so perfectly distinct that -the boat seemed floating in air! Yes, where it -was even <em>eighty</em> feet deep. Every little pebble -<span class='pageno' id='Page_80'>80</span>was distinct, every speckled trout, every hand’s-breadth -of sand. Often, as we lay on our faces, -a granite boulder, as large as a village church, -would start out of the bottom apparently, and -seem climbing up rapidly to the surface, till -presently it threatened to touch our faces, and -we could not resist the impulse to seize the oar -and avert the danger. But the boat would float -on, and the boulder descend again, and then we -could see that when we had been exactly above -it, it must still have been twenty or thirty feet -below the surface. Down through the transparency -of these great depths, the water was not -<em>merely</em> transparent, but dazzlingly, brilliantly -so. All objects seen through it had a bright, -strong vividness, not only of outline, but of every -minute detail, which they would not have had -when seen simply through the same depth of -atmosphere. So empty and airy did all spaces -seem below us, and so strong was the sense of -floating high aloft in mid-nothingness, that we -called these boat-excursions “balloon-voyages.” ... -Sometimes, on lazy afternoons, we lolled -on the sand in camp, and smoked pipes and read -some old well-worn novels. At night, by the -camp-fire, we played euchre and seven-up to -strengthen the mind—and played them with -cards so greasy and defaced that only a whole -<span class='pageno' id='Page_81'>81</span>summer’s acquaintance with them could enable -the student to tell the ace of clubs from the -jack of diamonds.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We never slept in our “house.” It never -occurred to us, for one thing; and besides, it was -built to hold the ground, and that was enough. -We did not wish to strain it.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Selling Out a Mine</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The Gould & Curry claim comprised twelve -hundred feet, and it all belonged originally to -the two men whose name it bears. Mr. Curry -owned two-thirds of it—and he said that he -sold it out for twenty-five hundred dollars in -cash, and an old plug horse that ate up his market -value in hay and barley in seventeen days by -the watch. And he said that Gould sold out -for a pair of second-hand government blankets -and a bottle of whisky that killed nine men in -three hours, and that an unoffending stranger -that smelt the cork was disabled for life. Four -years afterward the mine thus disposed of was -worth in the San Francisco market seven million -six hundred thousand dollars in gold coin.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Buck Fanshaw’s Funeral</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>There was a grand time over Buck Fanshaw -when he died. He was a representative citizen. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_82'>82</span>He had “killed his man”—not in his own -quarrel, it is true, but in defence of a stranger -unfairly beset by numbers. He had kept a -sumptuous saloon. He had been the proprietor -of a dashing helpmeet whom he could have discarded -without the formality of a divorce. He -had a high position in the fire department and -had been a very Warwick in politics. When he -died there was great lamentation throughout the -town, but especially in the vast bottom stratum -of society.</p> - -<p class='c010'>On the inquest it was shown that Buck Fanshaw, -in the delirium of a wasting typhoid fever, -had taken arsenic, shot himself through the body, -cut his throat, and jumped out of a four-story -window and broken his neck—and after due deliberation, -the jury, sad and tearful, but with -intelligence unblinded by its sorrow, brought in -a verdict of death “by the visitation of God.” -What could the world do without juries?</p> - -<p class='c010'>Prodigious preparations were made for the funeral. -All the vehicles in town were hired, all -the saloons put in mourning, all the municipal -and fire-company flags hung at half-mast, and all -the firemen ordered to muster in uniform and -bring their machines duly draped in black. Now—let -it be remarked in parenthesis—as all the -people of the earth had representative adventures -<span class='pageno' id='Page_83'>83</span>in the Silverland, and as each adventurer had -brought the slang of his nation or of his locality -with him, the combination made the slang of -Nevada the richest and the most infinitely varied -and copious that had ever existed anywhere in -the world, perhaps, except in the mines of California -in the “early days.” Slang was the -language of Nevada. It was hard to preach a -sermon without it, and be understood. Such -phrases as “You bet!” “Oh, no, I reckon not.” -“No Irish need apply,” and a hundred others, -became so common as to fall from the lips of a -speaker unconsciously—and very often when -they did not touch the subject under discussion -and consequently failed to mean anything.</p> - -<p class='c010'>After Buck Fanshaw’s inquest, a meeting of -the short-haired brotherhood was held, for nothing -could be done on the Pacific coast without a -public meeting and an expression of sentiment. -Regretful resolutions were passed and various -committees appointed; among others, a committee -of one was deputed to call on the minister, a -fragile, gentle, spiritual new fledgling from an -Eastern theological seminary, and as yet unacquainted -with the ways of the mines. The committeeman, -“Scotty” Briggs, made his visit; and -in after days it was worth something to hear -the minister tell about it. Scotty was a stalwart -<span class='pageno' id='Page_84'>84</span>rough, whose customary suit, when on -weighty official business, like committee work, -was a fire helmet, flaming red flannel shirt, patent -leather belt with spanner and revolver attached, -coat hung over arm, and pants stuffed -into boot tops. He formed something of -a contrast to the pale theological student. It is -fair to say of Scotty, however, in passing, that -he had a warm heart, and a strong love for his -friends, and never entered into a quarrel when -he could reasonably keep out of it. Indeed, -it was commonly said that when ever one of -Scotty’s fights was investigated, it always turned -out that it had originally been no affair of his, -but out of native good-heartedness he had dropped -in of his own accord to help the man who was -getting the worst of it. He and Buck Fanshaw -were bosom friends, for years, and had often -taken adventurous “potluck” together. On one -occasion, they had thrown off their coats and -taken the weaker side in a fight among strangers, -and after gaining a hard earned victory, -turned and found that the men they were helping -had deserted early and not only that, but -had stolen their coats and made off with them! -But to return to Scotty’s visit to the minister. -He was on a sorrowful mission, now, and his -face was the picture of woe. Being admitted to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_85'>85</span>the presence he sat down before the clergyman, -placed his fire hat on an unfinished manuscript -sermon under the minister’s nose, took from it a -red silk handkerchief, wiped his brow and heaved -a sigh of dismal impressiveness, explanatory of -his business. He choked, and even shed tears; -but with an effort he mastered his voice and said -in lugubrious tones:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Are you the duck that runs the gospel-mill -next door?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Am I the—pardon me, I believe I do not understand?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>With another sigh and a half-sob, Scotty rejoined:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, you see, we are in a bit of trouble, and -the boys thought maybe you would give us a -lift, if we’d tackle you—that is, if I’ve got the -rights of it and you are the head clerk of the -doxology-works next door.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I am the shepherd in charge of the flock -whose fold is next door.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“The which?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“The spiritual adviser of the little company -of believers whose sanctuary adjoins these -premises.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Scotty scratched his head, reflected a moment, -and then said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You rather hold over me, pard. I reckon I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_86'>86</span>can’t call that hand. Ante and pass the buck.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How? I beg pardon. What did I understand -you to say?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, you’ve ruther got the bulge on me. -Or may’be we’ve both got the bulge, somehow. -You don’t smoke me and I don’t smoke you. -You see, one of the boys has passed in his -checks, and we want to give him a good send-off, -and so the thing I’m on now is to roust out -somebody to jerk a little chin-music for us and -waltz him through handsome.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“My friend, I seem to grow more and more -bewildered. Your observations are wholly incomprehensible -to me. Cannot you simplify -them in some way? At first I thought perhaps -I understood you, but I grope now. Would it -not expedite matters if you restricted yourself to -categorical statements of facts, unencumbered -with obstructive accumulations of metaphor and -allegory?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Another pause, and more reflection. Then, -said Scotty:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I’ll have to pass, I judge.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You’ve raised me out, pard.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I still fail to catch your meaning.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, that last lead of yourn is too many for -<span class='pageno' id='Page_87'>87</span>me—that’s the idea. I can’t neither trump nor -follow suit.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The clergyman sank back in his chair perplexed. -Scotty leaned his head on his hand and -gave himself up to thought. Presently his face -came up, sorrowful, but confident.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I’ve got it now, so’s you can savvy,” he said. -“What we want is a gospel-sharp. See?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“A what?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Gospel-sharp. Parson.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh! Why did you not say so before? I am -a clergyman—a parson.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now you talk! You see my blind and straddle -it like a man. Put it there!”—extending a -brawny paw, which closed over the minister’s -small hand and gave it a shake indicative of -fraternal sympathy and fervent gratification.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now we’re all right, pard. Let’s start fresh. -Don’t you mind my shuffling a little—becuz we’re -in a power of trouble. You see, one of the boys -has gone up the flume——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Gone where?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Up the flume—throwed up the sponge, you -understand.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Thrown up the sponge?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes—kicked the bucket——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ah—has departed to that mysterious country -from whose bourne no traveler returns.”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_88'>88</span>“Return! I reckon not. Why, pard, he’s -<em>dead!</em>”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, I understand.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, you do? Well I thought maybe you -might be getting tangled some more. Yes, you -see he’s dead again——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“<em>Again!</em> Why, has he ever been dead before?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Dead before? No! Do you reckon a man -has got as many lives as a cat? But you bet you, -he’s awful dead now, poor old boy, and I wish -I’d never seen this day. I don’t want no better -friend than Buck Fanshaw. I knowed him by -the back; and when I know a man and like -him, I freeze to him—you hear <em>me</em>. Take him -all round, pard, there never was a bullier man -in the mines. No man ever knowed Buck Fanshaw -to go back on a friend. But it’s all up, -you know, it’s all up. It <em>ain’t</em> no use. They’ve -scooped him.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Scooped him?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes—death has. Well, well, well, we’ve got -to give him up. Yes, indeed. It’s a kind of a -hard world, after all, <em>ain’t</em> it? But pard, he -was a rustler! You ought to see him get started -once. He was a bully boy with a glass eye! -Just spit in his face and give him room according -<span class='pageno' id='Page_89'>89</span>to his strength, and it was just beautiful to -see him peel and go in. He was the worst -son of a thief that ever drawed breath. Pard, -he was <em>on</em> it! He was on it bigger than an -Injun!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“On it? On what?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“On the shoot. On the shoulder. On the -fight, you understand. <em>He</em> didn’t give a continental -for <em>any</em> body. <em>Beg</em> your pardon, friend, -for coming so near saying a cuss-word—but you -see I’m on an awful strain, in this palaver, on -account of having to cramp down and draw -everything so mild. But we’ve got to give him -up. There ain’t any getting around that, I -don’t reckon. Now if we can get you to help -plant him——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Preach the funeral discourse? Assist at the -obsequies?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Obs’quies is good. Yes. That’s it—that’s -our little game. We are going to get the thing -up regardless, you know. He was always nifty -himself, and so you bet you his funeral ain’t -going to be no slouch—solid silver door-plate -on his coffin, six plumes on the hearse, and one -nigger on the box in a biled shirt and a plug -hat—how’s that for high? And we’ll take care -of <em>you</em> pard. We’ll fix you all right. There’ll -be a kerridge for you; and whatever you want, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_90'>90</span>you just ’scape out and we’ll ’tend to it. We’ve -got a shebang fixed up for you to stand behind, -in No. 1’s house, and don’t you be afraid. Just -go in and toot your horn, if you don’t sell a clam. -Put Buck through as bully as you can, pard, for -anybody that knowed him will tell you that he -was one of the whitest men that was ever in the -mines. You can’t draw it too strong. He -never could stand it to see things going wrong. -He’s done more to make this town quiet and -peaceable than any man in it. I’ve seen him -lick four Greasers in eleven minutes, myself. If -a thing wanted regulating, <em>he</em> warn’t a man to -go browsing around for somebody to do it, but -he would prance in and regulate it himself. He -warn’t a Catholic. Scasely. He was down on -’em. His word was ‘No Irish need apply!’ -But it didn’t make no difference about that -when it came down to what a man’s rights was—and -so, when some roughs jumped the -Catholic boneyard and started in to stake out -town lots in it he <em>went</em> for ’em! And he <em>cleaned</em> -’em, too! I was there, pard, and I seen it myself.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That was very well, indeed—at least the impulse -was—whether the act was strictly defensible -or not. Had deceased any religious convictions? -That is to say, did he feel a dependence -<span class='pageno' id='Page_91'>91</span>upon, or acknowledge allegiance to a higher -power?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>More reflection.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I reckon you’ve stumped me again, pard. -Could you say it over once more, and say it -slow?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, to simplify it somewhat, was he, or -rather had he ever been connected with any organization -sequestered for secular concerns and -devoted to self-sacrifice in the interests of morality?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“All down but nine—set ’em up on the other -alley, pard.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What did I understand you to say?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, you’re most too many for me, you -know. When you get in with your left I hunt -grass every time. Every time you draw, you -fill; but I don’t seem to have any luck. Let’s -have a new deal.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How? Begin again?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That’s it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very well. Was he a good man, and——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“There—I see that; don’t put up another chip -till I look at my hand. A good man, says you? -Pard, it ain’t no name for it. He was the best -man that ever—pard, you would have doted on -that man. He could lam any galoot of his -inches in America. It was him that put down -<span class='pageno' id='Page_92'>92</span>the riot last election before it got a start; and -everybody said he was the only man that could -have done it. He waltzed in with a spanner in -one hand and a trumpet in the other, and sent -fourteen men home on a shutter in less than -three minutes. He had that riot all broke up -and prevented nice before anybody ever got a -chance to strike a blow. He was always for -peace, and he would <em>have</em> peace—he could not -stand disturbances. Pard, he was a great loss -to this town. It would please the boys if you -would chip in something like that and do him -justice. Here once when the Micks got to -throwing stones through the Methodis’ Sunday-school -windows, Buck Fanshaw, all of his own -notion, shut up his saloon and took a couple of -six-shooters and mounted guard over the Sunday-school. -Says he, ‘No Irish need Apply!’ And -they didn’t. He was the bulliest man in the -mountains, pard! He could run faster, jump -higher, hit harder, and hold more tanglefoot -whisky without spilling than any man in seventeen -counties. Put that in, pard—it’ll please the -boys more than anything you could say. And -you can say, pard, that he never shook his -mother.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Never shook his mother?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That’s it—any of the boys will tell you so.”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_93'>93</span>“Well, but why <em>should</em> he shake her?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That’s what <em>I</em> say—but some people does.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Not people of any repute.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, some that averages pretty so-so.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“In my opinion the man that would offer personal -violence to his own mother ought to——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Cheese it, pard; you’ve banked your ball -clean outside the string. What I was drivin’ -at, was, that he never <em>throwed</em> off on his mother—don’t -you see? No indeedy. He give her a -house to live in, and town lots, and plenty of -money; and he looked after her and took care -of her all the time; and when she was down -with the smallpox I’m d—d if he didn’t set -up nights and nuss her himself! <em>Beg</em> your pardon -for saying it, but it hopped out too quick -for yours truly. You’ve treated me like a gentleman, -pard, and I ain’t the man to hurt your -feelings intentional. I think you’re white. I -think you’re a square man, pard. I like you, -and I’ll lick any man that don’t. I’ll lick him -till he can’t tell himself from a last year’s corpse! -Put it <em>there</em>!” (Another fraternal hand-shake—and -exit).</p> - -<p class='c010'>The obsequies were all that “the boys” could -desire. Such a marvel of funeral pomp had -never been seen in Virginia. The plumed -hearse, the dirge-breathing brass bands, the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_94'>94</span>closed marts of business, the flags drooping at -half-mast, the long, plodding procession of uniformed -secret societies, military battalions and -fire companies, draped engines, carriages of -officials, and citizens in vehicles and on foot, attracted -multitudes of spectators to the sidewalks, -roofs, and windows; and for years afterward, -the degree of grandeur attained by any -civic display in Virginia was determined by -comparison with Buck Fanshaw’s funeral.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Scotty Briggs, as a pall-bearer and a mourner, -occupied a prominent place at the funeral, -and when the sermon was finished and the last -sentence of the prayer for the dead man’s soul -ascended, he responded in a low voice, but with -feeling:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“AMEN. No Irish need apply.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>An Abandoned Town</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We lived in a small cabin on a verdant hillside, -and there were not five other cabins in -view over the wide expanse of hill and forest. -Yet a flourishing city of two or three thousand -population had occupied this grassy dead solitude -during the flush times of twelve or fifteen years -before, and where our cabin stood had once been -the heart of the teaming hive, the center of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_95'>95</span>city. When the mines gave out the town fell -into decay, and in a few years wholly disappeared—streets, -dwellings, shops, everything—and -left no sign. The grassy slopes were as -green and smooth and desolate of life as if they -had never been disturbed. The mere handful -of miners still remaining had seen the town -spring up, spread, grow, and flourish in its pride; -and they had seen it sicken and die, and pass -away like a dream. With it their hopes had died, -and their zest of life. They had long ago resigned -themselves to their exile, and ceased to -correspond with their distant friends or turn -longing eyes toward their distant homes. They -had accepted banishment, forgotten the world -and been forgotten of the world. They were far -from telegraphs and railroads, and they stood, -as it were, in a living grave, dead to the events -that stirred the globe’s great populations, dead -to the common interests of men, isolated and -outcast from brotherhood with their kind. It -was the most singular, and almost the most -touching and melancholy exile that fancy can -imagine.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Hawaiian Temple</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Near by is an interesting ruin—the meager remains -of an ancient temple—a place where human -<span class='pageno' id='Page_96'>96</span>sacrifices were offered up in those old by-gone -days when the simple child of nature, -yielding momentarily to sin when sorely -tempted, acknowledged his error when calm reflection -had shown it to him, and came forward -with noble frankness and offered up his grandmother -as an atoning sacrifice—in those old days -when the luckless sinner could keep on cleansing -his conscience and achieving periodical happiness -as long as his relations held out; long, long before -the missionaries braved a thousand privations -to come and make them permanently miserable -by telling them how beautiful and how -blissful a place heaven is, and how nearly impossible -it is to get there; and showed the poor -native how dreary a place perdition is and what -unnecessarily liberal facilities there are for going -to it; showed him how, in his ignorance, he -had gone and fooled away all his kinsfolk to -no purpose; showed him what rapture it is to -work all day long for fifty cents to buy food for -next day with, as compared with fishing for a -pastime and lolling in the shade through eternal -summer, and eating of the bounty that nobody -labored to provide but Nature. How -sad it is to think of the multitudes who have -<span class='pageno' id='Page_97'>97</span>gone to their graves in this beautiful island and -never knew there was a hell.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Hawaiian Statesman</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The President is the King’s father. He is an -erect, strongly built, massive-featured, white-haired, -tawny old gentleman of eighty years of -age, or thereabouts. He was simply but well -dressed, in a blue cloth coat and white vest, and -white pantaloons, without spot, dust, or blemish -upon them. He bears himself with a calm, -stately dignity, and is a man of noble presence. -He was a young man and a distinguished warrior -under that terrific fighter, Kamehameha I., -more than half a century ago. A knowledge of -his career suggested some such thought as this: -“This man, naked as the day he was born, and -war-club and spear in hand, has charged at the -head of a horde of savages against other hordes -of savages more than a generation and a half -ago, and reveled in slaughter and carnage; has -worshiped wooden images on his devout knees; -has seen hundreds of his race offered up in -heathen temples as sacrifices to wooden idols, at a -time when no missionary’s foot had ever pressed -this soil, and he had never heard of the white -man’s God; has believed his enemy could -<span class='pageno' id='Page_98'>98</span>secretly pray him to death; has seen the day, in -his childhood, when it was a crime punishable -by death for a man to eat with his wife, or for -a plebeian to let his shadow fall upon the king—and -now look at him an educated Christian; -neatly and handsomely dressed; a high-minded, -elegant gentleman; a traveler, in some degree, -and one who has been the honored guest of -royalty in Europe; a man practiced in holding -the reins of an enlightened government, and well -versed in the politics of his country and in general, -practical information. Look at him, sitting -there presiding over the deliberations of a legislative -body, among whom are white men—a -grave, dignified, statesmanlike personage, and as -seemingly natural and fitted to the place as if he -had been born in it and had never been out of -it in his lifetime. How the experiences of this -old man’s eventful life shame the cheap inventions -of romance!”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Hawaiian Religion</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Quite a broad tract of land near the temple, -extending from the sea to the mountain, was -sacred to the god Lono in olden times—so sacred -that if a common native set his sacrilegious foot -upon it, it was judicious for him to make his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_99'>99</span>will, because his time had come. He might go -around it by water, but he could not cross it. -It was well sprinkled with pagan temples and -stocked with awkward, homely idols carved out -of logs of wood. There was a temple devoted -to prayers for rain—and with fine sagacity it -was placed at a point so well up on the mountain -side that if you prayed there twenty-four -times a day for rain you would be likely to get -it every time. You would seldom get to your -Amen before you would have to hoist your -umbrella.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Crater of Haleakala</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Presently, vagrant white clouds came drifting -along, high over the sea and the valley; then -they came in couples and groups; then in imposing -squadrons; gradually joining their forces, -they banked themselves solidly together, a thousand -feet under us, and <em>totally shut out land and -ocean</em>—not a vestige of <em>anything</em> was left in -view, but just a little of the rim of the crater, -circling away from the pinnacle whereon we sat -(for a ghostly procession of wanderers from the -filmy hosts without had drifted through a chasm -in the crater wall and filed round and round, -and gathered and sunk and blended together till -<span class='pageno' id='Page_100'>100</span>the abyss was stored to the brim with a fleecy -fog). Thus banked, motion ceased, and silence -reigned. Clear to the horizon, league on league, -the snowy floor stretched without a break—not -level, but in rounded folds, with shallow creases -between, and here and there stately piles of -vapory architecture lifting themselves aloft out -of the common plain—some near at hand, some -in the middle distances, and others relieving the -monotony of the remote solitudes. There was -little conversation, for the impressive scene overawed -speech. I felt like the Last Man, neglected -of the judgment, and left pinnacled in -mid-heaven, a forgotten relic of a vanished -world.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_101'>101</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE GILDED AGE” (1873)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Colonel Seller’s Great Idea</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Washington was not able to ignore the cold -entirely. He was nearly as close to the stove -as he could get, and yet he could not persuade -himself that he felt the slightest heat, notwithstanding -the isinglass door was still gently and -serenely glowing. He tried to get a trifle closer -to the stove, and the consequence was he tripped -the supporting poker and the stove-door tumbled -to the floor. And then there was a revelation—there -was nothing in the stove but a lighted tallow -candle!</p> - -<p class='c010'>The poor youth blushed and felt as if he -must die with shame. But the Colonel was only -disconcerted for a moment—he straightaway -found his voice again:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“A little idea of my own, Washington—one -of the greatest things in the world! You must -write and tell your father about it—don’t forget -that, now. I have been reading up some -<span class='pageno' id='Page_102'>102</span>European scientific reports—friend of mine, -Count Fugier sent them to me—sends me all -sorts of things from Paris—he thinks the world -of me, Fugier does. Well, I saw that the -Academy of France had been testing the properties -of heat, and they came to the conclusion -that it was a non-conductor or something like -that, and of course its influence must necessarily -be deadly in nervous organizations with excitable -temperaments, especially where there is any -tendency toward rheumatic affections. Bless -you, I saw in a moment what was the matter -with us, and says I, out goes your fires!—no -more slow torture and certain death for me, sir. -What you want is the <em>appearance</em> of heat, not -the heat itself—that’s the idea. Well, how to do -it was the next thing. I just put my head to -work, pegged away a couple of days, and here -you are! Rheumatism? Why a man can’t any -more start a case of rheumatism in this house -than he can shake an opinion out of a mummy! -Stove with a candle in it and transparent door—that’s -it—it has been the salvation of this -family. Don’t you fail to write your father about -it, Washington. And tell him the idea is mine—I’m -no more conceited than most people, I reckon, -but you know it is human nature for a man to -want credit for a thing like that.”</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_103'>103</span> - <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Colonel Sellers Lets Himself Out</span></h3> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>The supper at Colonel Sellers’s was not sumptuous, -in the beginning, but it improved on acquaintance. -That is to say, that what Washington -regarded at first sight as mere lowly potatoes, -presently became awe-inspiring agricultural -productions that had been reared in some ducal -garden beyond the sea, under the sacred eye of -the duke himself, who had sent them to Sellers; -the bread was from corn which could be grown -in only one favored locality in the earth and -only a favored few could get it; the Rio coffee, -which at first seemed execrable to the taste, took -to itself an improved flavor when Washington -was told to drink it slowly and not hurry what -should be a lingering luxury in order to be fully -appreciated—it was from the private stores of -a Brazilian nobleman with an unrememberable -name. The Colonel’s tongue was a magician’s -wand that turned dried apples into figs and -water into wine as easily as it could change a -hovel into a palace and present poverty into imminent -future riches.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Washington slept in a cold bed in a carpetless -room and woke up in a palace in the morning; -at least the palace lingered during the moment -that he was rubbing his eyes and getting his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_104'>104</span>bearings—and then it disappeared and he recognized -that the Colonel’s inspiring talk had been -influencing his dreams. Fatigue had made him -sleep late; when he entered the sitting-room he -noticed that the old haircloth sofa was absent; -when he sat down to breakfast the Colonel tossed -six or seven dollars in bills on the table, counted -them over, said he was a little short and must -call upon his banker; then returned the bills to -his wallet with the indifferent air of a man who is -used to money. The breakfast was not an improvement -upon the supper, but the Colonel -talked it up and transformed it into an oriental -feast. By and by, he said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I intend to look out for you, Washington, my -boy. I hunted up a place for you yesterday, but -I am not referring to that, now—that is a mere -livelihood—mere bread and butter; but when I -say I mean to look out for you I mean something -very different. I mean to put things in your -way that will make a mere livelihood a -trifling thing. I’ll put you in a way to make -more money than you’ll ever know what -to do with. You’ll be right here where I can -put my hand on you when anything turns up. -I’ve got some prodigious operations on foot; but -I’m keeping quiet; mum’s the word; your old -hand don’t go around pow-wowing and letting -<span class='pageno' id='Page_105'>105</span>everybody see his k’yards and find out his little -game. But all in good time, Washington, all in -good time. You’ll see. Now, there’s an operation -in corn that looks well. Some New York -men are trying to get me to go into it—buy up -all the growing crops and just boss the market -when they mature—ah, I tell you, it’s a great -thing. And it only costs a trifle; two millions -or two and a half will do it. I haven’t exactly -promised yet—there’s no hurry—the more indifferent -I seem, you know, the more anxious those -fellows will get. And then there is the hog -speculation—that’s bigger still. We’ve got quiet -men at work” (he was very impressive here), -“mousing around, to get propositions out of all -the farmers in the whole West and Northwest -for the hog crop, and other agents quietly getting -propositions and terms out of all the manufactories—and -don’t you see, if we can get -all the hogs and all the slaughter-houses into our -hands on the dead quiet—whew! it would take -three ships to carry the money. I’ve looked into -the thing—calculated all the chances for and all -the chances against, and though I shake my head -and hesitate and keep on thinking, apparently, -I’ve got my mind made up that if the thing -can be done on a capital of six millions, that’s -the horse to put up money on! Why, Washington—but -<span class='pageno' id='Page_106'>106</span>what’s the use of talking about it—any -man can see that there’s whole Atlantic oceans -of cash in it, gulfs and bays thrown in. But -there’s a bigger thing than that, yet—a bigger——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, Colonel, you can’t want anything bigger!” -said Washington, his eyes blazing. “Oh, -I wish I could go into either of those speculations—I -only wish I had money—I wish I wasn’t -cramped and kept down and fettered with poverty, -and such prodigious chances lying right here -in sight! Oh, it is a fearful thing to be poor. -But don’t throw away those things—they are so -splendid that I can see how sure they are. Don’t -throw them away for something still better and -maybe fail in it! I wouldn’t, Colonel. I would -stick to these. I wish father were here and -were his old self again. Oh, he never in his -life had such chances as these are. Colonel, you -<em>can’t</em> improve on these—no man can improve on -them!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>A sweet, compassionate smile played about the -Colonel’s features, and he leaned over the table -with the air of a man who is “going to show -you” and do it without the least trouble:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why Washington, my boy, these things are -nothing. They <em>look</em> large—of course they look -large to a novice—but to a man who has been all -<span class='pageno' id='Page_107'>107</span>his life accustomed to large operations—pshaw! -They’re well enough to while away an idle hour -with, or furnish a bit of employment that will -give a trifle of idle capital a chance to earn its -bread while it is waiting for something to <em>do</em>, -but—now just listen a moment—just let me give -you an idea of what we old veterans of commerce -call ‘business.’ Here’s the Rothschilds’ proposition—this -is between you and me, you understand——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Washington nodded three or four times impatiently, -and his glowing eyes said, “Yes, yes—hurry—I -understand——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“——for I wouldn’t have it get out for a fortune. -They want me to go in with them on the -sly—agent was here two weeks ago about it—go -in on the sly” (voice down to an impressive -whisper, now) “and buy up a hundred and thirteen -wildcat banks in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, -Illinois, and Missouri—notes of these banks are -at all sorts of discount now—average discount of -the hundred and thirteen is forty-four per cent.—buy -them all up, you see, and then all of a sudden -let the cat out of the bag! Whiz! the stock of -every one of those wildcats would spin up to a -tremendous premium before you could turn a -handspring—profit on the speculation not a dollar -less than forty millions!” (An eloquent pause -<span class='pageno' id='Page_108'>108</span>while the marvelous vision settled into W.’s -focus.) “Where’s your hogs now! Why, my -dear innocent boy, we would just sit down on -the front doorsteps and peddle banks like lucifer -matches!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Washington finally got his breath and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, it is perfectly wonderful! Why couldn’t -these things have happened in father’s day. And -I—it’s of no use—they simply lie before my face -and mock me. There is nothing for me to do -but to stand helpless and see other people reap -the astonishing harvest.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Never mind, Washington, don’t you worry. -I’ll fix you. There’s plenty of chances. How -much money have you got?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>In the presence of so many millions, Washington -could not keep from blushing when he had -to confess that he had but eighteen dollars in -the world.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, all right—don’t despair. Other people -had been obliged to begin with less. I have -a small idea that may develop into something for -us both, all in good time. Keep your money -close and add to it. I’ll make it breed. I’ve -been experimenting (to pass away the time) on -a little preparation for curing sore eyes—a kind -of decoction nine-tenths water and the other -tenth drugs that don’t cost more than a dollar -<span class='pageno' id='Page_109'>109</span>a barrel; I’m still experimenting; there’s one ingredient -wanted yet to perfect the thing, and -somehow I can’t just manage to hit upon the thing -that’s necessary, and I don’t dare talk with a -chemist, of course. But I’m progressing, and -before many weeks I wager the country will ring -with the fame of Beriah Sellers’ Infallible Imperial -Oriental Optic Liniment and Salvation for -Sore Eyes—the Medical Wonder of the Age! -Small bottles fifty cents, large ones a dollar. Average -cost, five and seven cents for the two sizes. -The first year sell, say, ten thousand bottles in -Missouri, seven thousand in Iowa, three thousand -in Arkansas, four thousand in Kentucky, six -thousand in Illinois, and say twenty-five thousand -in the rest of the country. Total, fifty-five thousand -bottles; profit clear of all expenses, twenty -thousand dollars at the very lowest calculation. -All the capital needed is to manufacture the first -two thousand bottles—say a hundred and fifty -dollars—then the money would begin to flow in. -The second year, sales would reach 200,000 bottles—clear -profit, say, $75,000—and in the meantime -the great factory would be building in St. -Louis, to cost, say, $100,000. The third year -we could easily sell 1,000,000 bottles in the -United States and——”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_110'>110</span>“Oh, splendid!” said Washington. “Let’s commence -right away—let’s——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“——1,000,000 bottles in the United States—profit -at least $350,000—and <em>then</em> it would begin -to be time to turn our attention toward the <em>real</em> -idea of the business.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“The <em>real</em> idea of it! Ain’t $350,000 a year -pretty real——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Stuff! Why, what an infant you are, Washington—what -a guileless, shortsighted, easily-contented -innocent you are, my poor little country-bred -know-nothing! Would I go to all that -trouble and bother for the poor crumbs a body -might pick up in <em>this</em> country? Now do I look like -a man who—does my history suggest that I am -a man who deals in trifles, contents himself with -the narrow horizon that hems in the common -herd, sees no further than the end of his nose? -Now, <em>you</em> know that that is not me. Couldn’t -be me. <em>You</em> ought to know that if I throw my -time and abilities into a patent medicine, it’s a -patent medicine whose field of operations is the -solid earth! its clients the swarming nations that -inhabit it! Why what is the republic of America -for an eye-water country? Lord bless you, -it is nothing but a barren highway that you’ve -got to cross to get <em>to</em> the true eye-water market! -Why, Washington, in the Oriental countries people -<span class='pageno' id='Page_111'>111</span>swarm like the sands of the desert; every -square mile of land upholds its thousands upon -thousands of struggling human creatures—and -every separate and individual devil of them’s got -the ophthalmia! It’s as natural to them as noses -are, and sin. It’s born with them, it stays with -them, that’s all that some of them have left when -they die. Three years of introductory trade in -the Orient and what will be the result? Why, -our headquarters would be in Constantinople and -our hindquarters in Further India! Factories and -warehouses in Cairo, Ispahan, Bagdad, Damascus, -Jerusalem, Yedo, Peking, Bangkok, Delhi, -Bombay, and Calcutta! Annual income—well, -God only knows how many millions and millions -apiece!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Washington was so dazed, so bewildered—his -heart and his eyes had wandered so far away -among the strange lands beyond the seas, and -such avalanches of coin and currency had fluttered -and jingled confusedly down before him, -that he was now as one who had been whirling -round and round for a time, and stopping all at -once, finds his surroundings still whirling and -all objects a dancing chaos. However, little by -little the Sellers family cooled down and crystallized -into shape, and the poor room lost its -glitter and resumed its poverty. Then the youth -<span class='pageno' id='Page_112'>112</span>found his voice and begged Sellers to drop everything -and hurry up the eye-water; and he got -out his eighteen dollars and tried to force it upon -the Colonel—pleaded with him to take it—implored -him to do it. But the Colonel would not; -said he would not need the capital (in his native -magnificent way he called that eighteen dollars -capital) till the eye-water was an accomplished -fact. He made Washington easy in his mind, -though, by promising that he would call for it -just as soon as the invention was finished, and -he added the glad tidings that nobody but just -they two should be admitted to a share in the -speculation.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When Washington left the breakfast table he -worshiped that man.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_113'>113</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “ADVENTURES OF TOM SAWYER” (1874–5)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Speculation in Whitewash</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Saturday morning was come, and all the summer -world was bright and fresh, and brimming -with life. There was a song in every heart; -and if the heart was young the music issued at -the lips. There was cheer in every face and a -spring in every step. The locust trees were in -bloom and the fragrance of the blossoms filled -the air. Cardiff Hill, beyond the village and -above it, was green with vegetation, and it lay -just far enough away to seem a Delectable Land, -dreamy, reposeful, and inviting.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket -of whitewash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed -the fence, and all gladness left him and a -deep melancholy settled down upon his spirit. -Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life -to him seemed hollow, and existence but a burden. -Sighing he dipped his brush and passed it along -the topmost plank; repeated the operation; did it -<span class='pageno' id='Page_114'>114</span>again; compared the insignificant whitewashed -streak with the far-reaching continent of unwhitewashed -fence, and sat down on a tree box -discouraged. Jim came skipping out at the gate -with a tin pail, and singing “Buffalo Gals.” -Bringing water from the town pump had always -been hateful work in Tom’s eyes, before, but -now it did not strike him so. He remembered -that there was company at the pump. White, -mulatto, and negro boys and girls were always -there waiting their turns, resting, trading playthings, -quarreling, fighting, skylarking. And -he remembered that although the pump was only -a hundred and fifty yards off, Jim never got -back with a bucket of water under an hour—and -even then somebody generally had to go -after him. Tom said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Say, Jim, I’ll fetch the water if you’ll whitewash -some.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Jim shook his head and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Can’t, Mars Tom. Ole missis, she tole me -I got to go an’ git dis water an’ not stop foolin’ -’roun’ wid anybody. She say she spec Mars -Tom gwine to ax me to whitewash, an’ so she tole -me go ’long an’ ’tend to my own business—she -’lowed <em>she’d</em> ’tend to de whitewashin’.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, never you mind what she said, Jim. -That’s the way she always talks. Gimme the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_115'>115</span>bucket—I won’t be gone only a minute. <em>She</em> -won’t ever know.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, I dasn’t Mars Tom. Ole missis she’d -take an’ tar de head off’n me. ’Deed she would.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“<em>She!</em> She never licks anybody—whacks ’em -over the head with her thimble—and who cares -for that, I’d like to know. She talks awful, -but talk don’t hurt—anyway it don’t if she don’t -cry. Jim, I’ll give you a marvel. I’ll give you a -white alley!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Jim began to waver.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“White alley, Jim! And it’s a bully taw.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“My! Dat’s a mighty gay marvel, <em>I</em> tell you! -But Mars Tom I’s powerful afraid ole missis——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“And besides, if you will I’ll show you my -sore toe.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Jim was only human—this attraction was too -much for him. He put down his pail, took the -white alley, and bent over the toe with absorbing -interest while the bandage was being unwound. -In another moment he was flying down -the street with his pail and a tingling rear, -Tom was whitewashing with vigor, and Aunt -Polly was retiring from the field with a slipper -in her hand and triumph in her eye.</p> - -<p class='c010'>But Tom’s energy did not last. He began to -think of the fun he had planned for this day, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_116'>116</span>and his sorrows multiplied. Soon the free boys -would come tripping along on all sorts of delicious -expeditions, and they would make a world -of fun of him for having to work—the very -thought of it burnt him like fire. He got out -his worldly wealth and examined it—bits of toys, -marbles, and trash; enough to buy an exchange -of <em>work</em>, maybe, but not half enough to buy so -much as half an hour of pure freedom. So he -returned his straitened means to his pocket, and -gave up the idea of trying to buy the boys. At -this dark and hopeless moment an inspiration -burst upon him! Nothing less than a great, -magnificent inspiration.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He took up his brush and went tranquilly to -work. Ben Rogers hove in sight presently—the -very boy, of all boys, whose ridicule he had been -dreading. Ben’s gait was the hop-skip-and-jump—proof -enough that his heart was light and his -anticipations high. He was eating an apple, and -giving a long, melodious whoop, at intervals, followed -by a deep-toned ding-dong-dong, ding-dong-dong, -for he was personating a steamboat. As he -drew near, he slackened speed, took the middle of -the street, leaned far over to starboard and -rounded to, ponderously and with laborious pomp -and circumstance—for he was personating the -“Big Missouri,” and considered himself to be -<span class='pageno' id='Page_117'>117</span>drawing nine feet of water. He was the boat and -captain and engine-bells combined, so he had to -imagine himself standing on his own hurricane deck; -giving the orders and executing them: -“Stop her, sir! Ting-a-ling-ling!” The headway -ran almost out and he drew up slowly toward -the sidewalk.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ship up to back! Ting-a-ling-ling!” His -arms straightened and stiffened down his sides.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Set her back on the starboard! Ting-a-ling-ling! -Chow! ch-chow-wow! Chow!” His -right hand, meantime, describing stately circles—for -it was representing a forty-foot wheel.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Let her go back on the labboard! Ting-a-ling-ling! -Chow-ch-chow chow!” The left hand -began to describe circles.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Stop the stabboard! Ting-a-ling-ling! Stop -the labboard! Come ahead on the stabboard! -Stop her! Let your outside turn over slow! -Ting-a-ling-ling! Chow-ow-ow! Get out that -head-line! <em>Lively</em> now! Come—out with your -spring-line—what’re you about there! Take a -turn round that stump with the bight of it! -Stand by that stage, now—let her go! Done -with the engines, sir! Ting-a-ling-ling! <em>Sh’t! -sh’t! sh’t!”</em> (trying the gauge-cocks).</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom went on whitewashing—paid no attention -<span class='pageno' id='Page_118'>118</span>to the steamboat. Ben stared a moment -and then said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Hi-<em>yi. You’re</em> up a stump, ain’t you!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>No answer. Tom surveyed his last touch -with the eye of an artist, then he gave his brush -another gentle sweep and surveyed the result, as -before. Ben ranged up alongside of him. Tom’s -mouth watered for the apple, but he stuck to his -work. Ben said—</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Hello, old chap, you got to work, hey?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom wheeled suddenly and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, it’s you Ben! I warn’t noticing.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Say—<em>I’m</em> going in a swimming, <em>I</em> am. Don’t -you wish you could? But of course you’d -ruther <em>work</em>—wouldn’t you? Course you -would!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom contemplated the boy a bit, and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What do you call work?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, ain’t <em>that</em> work?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom resumed his whitewashing, and answered -carelessly:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, maybe it is, and maybe it ain’t. All -I know, is, it suits Tom Sawyer.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, come, now, you don’t mean to let on -that you <em>like</em> it?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The brush continued to move.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Like it? Well, I don’t see why I oughtn’t -<span class='pageno' id='Page_119'>119</span>to like it. Does a boy get a chance to whitewash -a fence every day?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>That put the thing in a new light. Ben -stopped nibbling his apple. Tom swept his brush -daintily—added a touch here and there—criticised -the effect again—Ben watching every move -and getting more and more interested, more and -more absorbed. Presently he said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Say, Tom, let <em>me</em> whitewash a little.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom considered, was about to consent; but -he altered his mind:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No—no—I reckon it wouldn’t hardly do, -Ben. You see, Aunt Polly’s awful particular -about this fence—right here on the street, you -know—but if it was the back fence I wouldn’t -mind and <em>she</em> wouldn’t. Yes, she’s awful particular -about this fence; it’s got to be done very -careful; I reckon there ain’t one boy in a thousand, -maybe two thousand, that can do the way -it’s got to be done.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No—is that so? Oh come, now—lemme just -try. Only just a little—I’d let <em>you</em>, if you was -me, Tom.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ben, I’d like to, honest injun; but Aunt -Polly—well, Jim wanted to do it, but she -wouldn’t let him. Sid wanted to do it, and she -wouldn’t let Sid. Now don’t you see how I’m -<span class='pageno' id='Page_120'>120</span>fixed? If you was to tackle this fence and anything -was to happen to it——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, shucks, I’ll be just as careful. Now -lemme try. Say—I’ll give you the core of my -apple.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, here—— No, Ben, now don’t. I’m -afeard——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I’ll give you <em>all</em> of it!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom gave up the brush with reluctance in his -face, but alacrity in his heart. And while the -late steamer “Big Missouri” worked and sweated -in the sun, the retired artist sat on a barrel in -the shade close by, dangled his legs, munched -his apple, and planned the slaughter of more innocents. -There was no lack of material; boys -happened along every little while; they came to -jeer, but remained to whitewash. By the time -Ben was fagged out, Tom had traded the next -chance to Billy Fisher for a kite, in good repair; -and when <em>he</em> played out, Johnny Miller bought -in for a dead rat and a string to swing it with—and -so on, and so on, hour after hour. And -when the middle of the afternoon came, from -being a poor poverty-stricken boy in the morning, -Tom was literally rolling in wealth. He -had beside the things before mentioned, twelve -marbles, part of a jew’s-harp, a piece of blue -bottle-glass to look through, a spool cannon, a -<span class='pageno' id='Page_121'>121</span>key that wouldn’t unlock anything, a fragment -of chalk, a glass stopper of a decanter, a tin -soldier, a couple of tadpoles, six fire-crackers, a -kitten with only one eye, a brass door-knob, a -dog-collar—but no dog—the handle of a knife, -four pieces of orange-peel, and a dilapidated old -window-sash.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He had had a nice, good, idle time all the -while—plenty of company—and the fence had -three coats of whitewash on it! If he hadn’t run -out of whitewash, he would have bankrupted -every boy in the village.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Tom Falls in Love</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>As he was passing by the house where Jeff -Thatcher lived, he saw a new girl in the -garden—a lovely little blue-eyed creature with yellow -hair plaited into two long tails, white summer -frock and embroidered pantalettes. The -fresh-crowned hero fell without firing a shot. A -certain Amy Lawrence vanished out of his heart -and left not even a memory of herself behind. -He had thought he loved her to distraction; he -had regarded his passion as adoration; and behold -it was only a poor little evanescent partiality. -He had been months winning her; she had -confessed hardly a week ago; he had been the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_122'>122</span>happiest and the proudest boy in the world only -seven short days, and here in one instant of time -she had gone out of his heart like a casual stranger -whose visit is done.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He worshiped this new angel with furtive eye, -till he saw that she had discovered him; then -he pretended he did not know she was present, -and began to “show off” in all sorts of absurd -boyish ways, in order to win her admiration. He -kept up this grotesque foolishness for some time; -but by and by, while he was in the midst of -some dangerous gymnastic performances, he -glanced aside and saw that the little girl was -wending her way toward the house. Tom came -up to the fence and leaned on it, grieving, and -hoping she would tarry yet a while longer. She -halted a moment on the steps and then moved -toward the door. Tom heaved a great sigh as -she put her foot on the threshold. But his face -lit up, right away, for she tossed a pansy over -the fence a moment before she disappeared.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Huck</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Huckleberry came and went, at his own free -will. He slept on doorsteps in fine weather and -in empty hogsheads in wet; he did not have to -go to school or to church, or call any being master -<span class='pageno' id='Page_123'>123</span>or obey anybody; he could go fishing or swimming -when and where he chose, and stay as long -as it suited him; nobody forbade him to fight; -he could sit up as late as he pleased; he was -always the first that went barefoot in the spring -and the last to resume leather in the fall; he -never had to wash, nor put on clean clothes; he -could swear wonderfully. In a word, everything -that goes to make life precious, that boy had. -So thought every harassed, hampered, respectable -boy in St. Petersburg.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Pirates’ Island</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>They built a fire against the side of a great -log, twenty or thirty steps within the somber -depths of the forest, and then cooked some bacon -in the frying-pan for supper, and used up half -of the corn “pone” stock they had brought. It -seemed glorious sport to be feasting in that wild -free way in the virgin forest of an unexplored -and uninhabited island, far from the haunts of -men, and they said they never would return to -civilization. The climbing fire lit up their faces -and threw its ruddy glare upon the pillared tree-trunks -of their forest temple, and upon the varnished -foliage and festooning vines.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Gradually their talk died out and drowsiness -<span class='pageno' id='Page_124'>124</span>began to steal upon the eyelids of the little waifs. -The pipe dropped from the fingers of the Red-Handed, -and he slept the sleep of the conscience-free -and the weary. The Terror of the Seas and -the Black Avenger of the Spanish Main had -more difficulty in getting to sleep. They said -their prayers inwardly, and lying down, since -there was nobody there with authority to make -them kneel and recite aloud; in truth, they had -a mind not to say them at all, but they were -afraid to proceed to such lengths as that, lest -they might call down a sudden and special thunderbolt -from Heaven....</p> - -<p class='c010'>When Tom awoke in the morning, he wondered -where he was. He sat up and rubbed his -eyes and looked around. Then he comprehended. -It was the cool gray dawn, and there was a delicious -sense of repose and peace in the deep -pervading calm and silence of the woods. Not -a leaf stirred; not a sound obtruded upon great -Nature’s meditation. Beaded dewdrops stood -upon the leaves and grasses. A white layer of -ashes covered the fire, and a thin blue breath of -smoke rose straight into the air. Joe and Huck -still slept.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Tom Learns to Smoke</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>After a dainty egg and fish dinner, Tom said -<span class='pageno' id='Page_125'>125</span>he wanted to learn to smoke, now. Joe caught -at the idea and said he would like to try, too. -So Huck made pipes and filled them. These -novices had never smoked anything before but -cigars made of grapevine, and they “bit” the -tongue, and were not considered manly anyway.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now they stretched themselves out on their -elbows and began to puff, charily, and with slender -confidence. The smoke had an unpleasant -taste, and they gagged a little, but Tom said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, it’s just as easy! If I’d a knowed <em>this</em> -was all, I’d a learnt long ago.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“So would I,” said Joe. “It’s just nothing.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, many a time I’ve looked at people -smoking, and thought ‘well, I wish I could do -that’; but I never thought I could,” said Tom.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That’s just the way with me, hain’t it, Huck? -You’ve heard me talk just that way—haven’t you -Huck? I’ll leave it to Huck if I haven’t.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes—heaps of times,” said Huck.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, I have too,” said Tom; “oh, hundreds -of times. Once down by the slaughter-house. -Don’t you remember, Huck? Bob Tanner was -there, and Johnny Miller, and Jeff Thatcher, -when I said it. Don’t you remember, Huck, -’bout me saying that?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, that’s so,” said Huck. “That was the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_126'>126</span>day after I lost a white alley. No, ’twas the day -before.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“There—I told you so,” said Tom. “Huck -recollects it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I bleeve I could smoke this pipe all day,” -said Joe. “<em>I</em> don’t feel sick.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Neither do I,” said Tom. “<em>I</em> could smoke -it all day. But I bet you Jeff Thatcher -couldn’t.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Jeff Thatcher! Why, he’d keel over just -with two draws. Just let him try it once. -<em>He’d</em> see!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I bet he would. And Johnny Miller—I wish -I could see Johnny Miller tackle it once.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, don’t <em>I</em>!” said Joe,<a id='t126'></a> “Why, I bet you Johnny Miller -couldn’t any more do this than nothing. Just -one little snifter would fetch <em>him</em>.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“’Deed it would, Joe. Say—I wish the boys -could see us now.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“So do I.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Say—boys, don’t say anything about it, and -sometime when they’re around, I’ll come up to -you and say ‘Joe, got a pipe? I want a smoke.’ -And you’ll say, kind of careless like, as if it -warn’t anything, you’ll say, ‘Yes, I got my <em>old</em> -pipe, and another one, but my tobacker ain’t -very good.’ And I’ll say, ‘Oh, that’s all right, if -it’s <em>strong</em> enough.’ And then you’ll out with -<span class='pageno' id='Page_127'>127</span>the pipes, and we’ll light up just as ca’m, and -then just see ’em look!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“By jings, that’ll be gay, Tom! I wish it was -<em>now</em>!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“So do I! And when we tell ’em we learned -when we was off pirating, won’t they wish they’d -been along?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, I reckon not! I’ll just <em>bet</em> they will!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>So the talk ran on. But presently it began to -flag a trifle, and grow disjointed. The silences -widened; the expectoration marvelously increased. -Every pore inside the boys’ cheeks became -a spouting fountain; they could scarcely -bail out the cellars under their tongues fast -enough to prevent an inundation; little overflowings -down their throats occurred in spite of -all they could do, and sudden retchings followed -every time. Both boys were looking very pale -and miserable, now. Joe’s pipe dropped from -his nerveless fingers. Tom’s followed. Both -fountains were going furiously and both pumps -bailing with might and main. Joe said feebly:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I’ve lost my knife. I reckon I better go and -find it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom said, with quivering lips and halting utterance:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I’ll help you. You go over that way and I’ll -<span class='pageno' id='Page_128'>128</span>hunt around by the spring. No, you needn’t -come, Huck—we can find it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>So Huck sat down again, and waited an hour. -Then he found it lonesome, and went to find his -comrades. They were wide apart in the woods, -both very pale, both fast asleep. But something -informed him that if they had had any trouble -they had got rid of it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>They were not talkative at supper that night. -They had a humble look, and when Huck prepared -his pipe after the meal and was going to -prepare theirs, they said no, they were not feeling -very well—something they ate at dinner had -disagreed with them.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_129'>129</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE STOLEN WHITE ELEPHANT” (1878)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Describing an Elephant</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>“There are cases in detective history to show -that criminals have been detected through peculiarities -in their appetites. Now, what does this -elephant eat? and how much?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, as to <em>what</em> he eats—he will eat <em>anything</em>. -He will eat a man, he will eat a Bible—he -will eat anything <em>between</em> a man and a -Bible.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Good—very good, indeed, but too general. -Details are necessary—details are the only valuable -thing in our trade. Very well—as to men: -At one meal—or, if you prefer, during one -day—how many men will he eat, if fresh?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“He would not care whether they were fresh -or not; at a single meal he would eat five ordinary -men.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very good; five men; we will put that down. -What nationalities would he prefer?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“He is indifferent about nationalities. He -prefers acquaintances, but is not prejudiced -against strangers.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very good. Now, as to Bibles. How many -Bibles would he eat at a meal?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_130'>130</span>“He would eat an entire edition.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now that is more exact. I will put that -down. Very well; he likes men and Bibles; so -far, so good. What else will he eat? I want -particulars.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“He will leave Bibles to eat bricks, he will -leave bricks to eat bottles, he will leave bottles -to eat clothing, he will leave clothing to eat cats, -he will leave cats to eat oysters, he will leave -oysters to eat ham, he will leave ham to eat -sugar, he will leave sugar to eat pie, he will -leave pie to eat potatoes, he will leave potatoes -to eat bran, he will leave bran to eat hay, he -will leave hay to eat oats, he will leave oats -to eat rice, for he was mainly raised on it. There -is nothing whatever that he will not eat but -European butter, and he would eat that if he -could taste it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very good. General quantity at a meal—say -about——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, anywhere from a quarter to a half -a ton.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“And he drinks——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Everything that is fluid. Milk, water, -whisky, molasses, castor oil, camphene, carbolic -acid—it is no use to go into particulars; whatever -fluid occurs to you set it down. He will drink -anything that is fluid, except European coffee.”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_131'>131</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “A TRAMP ABROAD” (1878–9)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Wagner</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>One day we took the train and went down to -Mannheim to see King Lear played in German. -It was a mistake. We sat in our seats three -whole hours and never understood anything but -the thunder and lightning; and even that was -reversed to suit German ideas, for the thunder -came first and the lightning followed after.... -Another time we went to Mannheim and attended -a shivaree—otherwise an opera—the one -called Lohengrin. The banging and slamming -and booming and crashing were something beyond -belief. The racking and pitiless pain of it remains -stored up in my memory alongside the -memory of the time that I had my teeth fixed. -There were circumstances which made it necessary -for me to stay through the four hours to -the end, and I stayed; but the recollection of that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_132'>132</span>long, dragging, relentless season of suffering is -indestructible. To have to endure it in silence, -and sitting still, made it all the harder. I was -in a railed compartment with eight or ten strangers, -of the two sexes, and this compelled repression; -yet at times the pain was so exquisite -that I could hardly keep the tears back. At -those times, as the howlings and wailings and -shriekings of the singers, and the ragings and -roarings and explosions of the vast orchestra -rose higher and higher, and wilder and wilder, -and fiercer and fiercer, I could have cried if I -had been alone. Those strangers would not have -been surprised to see a man do such things who -was being gradually skinned, but they would have -marveled at it here, and made remarks about it, -no doubt, whereas there was nothing in the -present case which was an advantage over being -skinned. There was a wait of half an hour at -the end of the first act, and I could have gone -out and rested during that time, but I could -not trust myself to do it, for I felt that I should -desert and stay out. There was another wait -of half an hour toward nine o’clock, but I had -gone through so much by that time that I had -no spirit left, and so had no desire but to be -let alone.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I do not wish to suggest that the rest of the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_133'>133</span>people there were like me, for, indeed, they were -not. Whether it was that they naturally liked -that noise, or whether it was that they had -learned to like it by getting used to it, I did not -at that time know; but they did like it—this was -plain enough. While it was going on they sat -and looked rapt and grateful as cats do when -one strokes their backs; and whenever the curtain -fell they rose to their feet, in one solid -mighty multitude, and the air was snowed thick -with waving handkerchiefs, and hurricanes of -applause swept the place. This was not comprehensible -to me. Of course, there were many -people there who were not under compulsion -to stay; yet the tiers were as full at the close -as they had been at the beginning. This showed -that the people liked it....</p> - -<p class='c010'>I suppose there are two kinds of music—one -kind which one feels, just as an oyster might, -and another sort which requires a higher faculty, -a faculty which must be assisted and developed -by teaching. Yet if base music gives certain -of us wings, why should we want any other? -But we do. We want it because the higher and -better like it. But we want it without giving -it the necessary time and trouble; so we climb -into that upper tier, that dress circle, by a lie; -we <em>pretend</em> we like it. I know several of that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_134'>134</span>sort of people—and I propose to be one of them -myself when I get home with my fine European -education.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Midnight Entertainment</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>At last all sleepiness forsook me. I recognized -the fact that I was hopelessly and permanently -wide-awake. Wide-awake, and feverish -and thirsty. When I had lain tossing there -as long as I could endure it, it occurred to me -that it would be a good idea to dress and go -out in the great square and take a refreshing -wash in the fountain, and smoke and reflect -there until the remnant of the night was gone.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I believed I could dress in the dark without -waking Harris. I had banished my shoes after -the mouse, but my slippers would do for a -summer night. So I rose softly, and gradually -got on everything—down to one sock. I couldn’t -seem to get on the track of that sock, any way -I could fix it. But I had to have it; so I went -down on my hands and knees, with one slipper -on and the other in my hand, and began to paw -gently around and rake the floor, but with no -success. I enlarged my circle, and went on pawing -and raking. With every pressure of my -knee, how the floor creaked! and every time I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_135'>135</span>chanced to rake against any article, it seemed to -give out thirty-five or thirty-six times more noise -than it would have in the daytime. In those -cases I always stopped and held my breath till -I was sure Harris had not awakened—then I -crept along again. I moved on and on, but I -could not find the sock; I could not seem to -find anything but furniture. I could not remember -that there was much furniture in the room -when I went to bed, but the place was alive -with it now—especially chairs—chairs everywhere—had -a couple of families moved in, in the -meantime? And I never could seem to glance -on one of those chairs, but always struck it -full and square with my head. My temper rose, -by steady and sure degrees, and as I pawed on -and on, I fell to making vicious comments under -my breath.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Finally, with a venomous access of irritation, -I said I would leave without the sock; so I rose -up and made straight for the door—as I supposed—and -suddenly confronted my dim spectral -image in the mirror. It startled the breath -out of me, for an instant; it was also showed -me that I was lost, and had no sort of idea -where I was. When I realized this, I was so -angry that I had to sit down on the floor and -take hold of something to keep from lifting the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_136'>136</span>roof off with an explosion of opinion. If there -had been only one mirror, it might possibly have -helped to locate me; but there were two, and -two were as bad as a thousand; besides, these -were on opposite sides of the room. I could see -the dim blur of the windows, but in my turned-around -condition they were exactly where they -ought not to be, and so they only confused me instead -of helping me.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I started to get up, and knocked down an -umbrella; it made a noise like a pistol-shot when -it struck that hard, slick, carpetless floor; I -grated my teeth and held my breath—Harris -did not stir. I set the umbrella slowly and carefully -against the wall, but as soon as I took my -hand away, its heel slipped from under it and -down it came again with another bang. I shrunk -together and listened a moment in silent fury—no -harm done, everything quiet. With the most -painstaking care and nicety I stood the umbrella -up once more, took my hand away, and down -it came again.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I have been strictly reared, but if it had not -been so dark and solemn and awful there in that -lonely, vast room, I do believe I should have -said something then which could not have been -put in a Sunday-school book without injuring the -sale of it. If my reasoning powers had not been -<span class='pageno' id='Page_137'>137</span>already sapped dry by my harassments, I would -have known better than to try to set an umbrella -on end on one of those glassy German -floors in the dark; it can’t be done in the daytime -without four failures to one success. I had -one comfort, though—Harris was yet still and -silent—he had not stirred.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The umbrella could not locate me—there were -four standing around the room, and all alike. -I thought I would feel along the wall and find -the door in that way. I rose up and began this -operation, but raked down a picture. It was not -a large one, but it made noise enough for a -panorama. Harris gave out no sound, but I -felt that if I experimented any further with the -pictures I should be sure to wake him. Better -give up trying to get out. Yes, I would find -King Arthur’s Round Table once more—I had -already found it several times—and used it for -a base of departure on an exploring tour for -my bed; if I could find my bed I could find my -water-pitcher. I would quench my raging thirst -and turn in. So I started on my hands and -knees, because I could go faster that way, and -with more confidence, too, and not knock things -down. By and by I found the table—with my -head—rubbed the bruise a little, then rose up -and started, with hands abroad and fingers -<span class='pageno' id='Page_138'>138</span>spread, to balance myself. I found a chair; then -the wall; then another chair; then a sofa; then -an alpenstock, then another sofa; this confounded -me, for I had thought there was only one sofa. -I hunted up the table again and took a fresh -start; found some more chairs.</p> - -<p class='c010'>It occurred to me, now, as it ought to have -done before, that as the table was round, it was -therefore no value as a place to aim from; so I -moved off once more and at random among the -wilderness of chairs and sofas—wandered off -into unfamiliar regions, and presently knocked -a candlestick off a mantelpiece and knocked off -a lamp, grabbed at the lamp and knocked off a -water-pitcher with a rattling crash, and thought -to myself, “I’ve found you at last—I judged I -was close upon you.” Harris shouted “murder,” -and “thieves,” and finished with “I’m absolutely -drowned.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The crash had roused the house. Mr. X. -pranced in, in his long night-garment, with a -candle, young Z. after him with another candle; -a procession swept in at another door, with candles -and lanterns—landlord and two German -guests in their nightgowns, and a chambermaid -in hers.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I looked around; I was at Harris’s bed, a -sabbath day’s journey from my own. There was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_139'>139</span>only one sofa; it was against the wall; there was -only one chair where a body could get at it—I -had been revolving around it like a planet, -and colliding with it like a comet half the night.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I explained how I had been employing myself, -and why. Then the landlord’s party left, and -the rest of us set about our preparations for -breakfast, for the dawn was ready to break. I -glanced furtively at my pedometer, and found -I had made 47 miles. But I did not care, for I -had come out for a pedestrian tour anyway.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Foreign Quotations</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I have a prejudice against people who print -things in a foreign language and add no translation. -When I am the reader, and the author -considers me able to do the translating myself, -he pays me quite a nice compliment—but if he -would do the translating for me I would try to -get along without the compliment.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Reflections on the Ant</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Now and then, while we rested, we watched -the laborious ant at his work. I found nothing -new in him—certainly nothing to change my -opinion of him. It seems to me that in the matter -<span class='pageno' id='Page_140'>140</span>of intellect the ant must be a strangely overrated -bird. During many summers, now, I have -watched him, when I ought to have been in better -business, and I have not yet come across a -living ant that seemed to have any more sense -than a dead one. I refer to the ordinary ant, -of course; I have had no experience of those -wonderful Swiss and African ones which vote, -keep drilled armies, hold slaves, and dispute -about religion. Those particular ants may be all -that the naturalist paints them, but I am persuaded -that the average ant is a sham. I admit -his industry, of course; he is the hardest working -creature in the world—when anybody is looking—but -his leather-headedness is the point I make -against him. He goes out foraging, he makes a -capture, and then what does he do? Go home? -No—he goes anywhere but home. He doesn’t -know where home is. His home may be only -three feet away,—no matter, he can’t find -it. He makes his capture, as I have said; it is -generally something which can be of no sort of -use to himself or anybody else; it is usually -seven times bigger than it ought to be; he lifts -it bodily up in the air by main force and starts; -not toward home, but in the opposite direction; -not calmly and wisely, but with a frantic haste -which is wasteful of his strength; he fetches up -<span class='pageno' id='Page_141'>141</span>against a pebble, and instead of going around it, -he climbs over it backwards dragging his booty -after him, tumbles down on the other side, jumps -up in a passion, kicks the dust off his clothes, -moistens his hands, grabs his property viciously, -yanks it this way, then that, shoves it ahead of -him a moment, turns tail and lugs it after him -another moment, gets madder and madder, then -presently hoists it into the air and goes tearing -away in an entirely new direction; comes to a -weed; it never occurs to him to go around it; -no, he must climb it; and he does climb it, dragging -his worthless property to the top—which is -as bright a thing to do as it would be for me to -carry a sack of flour from Heidelberg to Paris -by way of Strasburg steeple; when he gets up -there he finds that that is not the place; takes -a cursory glance at the scenery and either climbs -down again or tumbles down, and starts off once -more—as usual in a new direction. At the end -of half an hour, he fetches up within six inches -of the place he started from and lays his burden -down; meantime he has been over all the ground -for two yards around, and climbed all the weeds -and pebbles he came across. Now he wipes the -sweat from his brow, strokes his limbs, and then -marches aimlessly off, in as violent a hurry as -ever. He traverses a good deal of zig-zag country, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_142'>142</span>and by and by stumbles on his same booty -again. He does not remember ever having seen -it before; he looks around to see which is not the -way home, grabs his bundle and starts; he goes -through the same adventures he had before; finally -stops to rest, and a friend comes along. -Evidently the friend remarks that a last year’s -grasshopper leg is a very noble acquisition, and -inquires where he got it. Evidently the proprietor -does not remember exactly where he did -get it, but thinks he got it “around here somewhere.” -Evidently the friend contracts to help -him freight it home. Then, with a judgment -peculiarly antic (pun not intentional), they take -hold of opposite ends of that grasshopper leg -and begin to tug with all their might in opposite -directions. Presently they take a rest and confer -together. They decide that something is wrong, -they can’t make out what. Then they go at it -again, just as before. Same result. Mutual -recriminations follow. Evidently each accuses -the other of being an obstructionist. They warm -up, and the dispute ends in a fight. They lock -themselves together and chew each other’s jaws -for a while; then they roll and tumble on the -ground till one loses a horn or a leg and has to -haul off for repairs. They make up and go to -work again in the same old insane way, but the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_143'>143</span>crippled ant is at a disadvantage; tug as he may, -the other one drags off the booty and him at the -end of it. Instead of giving up, he hangs on, -and gets his shins bruised against every obstruction -that comes in the way. By and by, when -that grasshopper leg has been dragged all over -the same old ground once more, it is finally -dumped at about the spot where it originally -lay, the two perspiring ants inspect it thoughtfully -and decide that dried grasshopper legs are -a poor sort of property after all, and then each -starts off in a different direction to see if he -can’t find an old nail or something else that is -heavy enough to afford entertainment and at -the same time valueless enough to make an ant -want to own it.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Foreign Quotations Again</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>When really learned men write books for other -learned men to read, they are justified in using -as many learned words as they please—their -audience will understand them; but a man that -writes a book for the general public to read is -not justified in disfiguring his pages with untranslated -foreign expressions. It is an insolence -toward the majority of the purchasers, for it is -a very frank and impudent way of saying, “Get -<span class='pageno' id='Page_144'>144</span>the translations made yourself, if you want them; -this book is not written for the ignorant classes.” -There are men who know a foreign language so -well and have used it so long in their daily life -that they seem to discharge whole volleys of it -into their English writings unconsciously, and -so they omit to translate, as much as half the -time. That is a great cruelty to nine out of -ten of the man’s readers. What is the excuse -for this? The writer would say he only uses the -foreign language where the delicacy of his point -cannot be conveyed in English. Very well, then -he writes his best things for the tenth man, and -he ought to warn the other nine not to buy his -book. However, the excuse he offers is at least -an excuse; but there is another set of men who ... know a <em>word</em> here and there, of a foreign -language, or a few beggarly little three-word -phrases, filched from the back of the dictionary, -and these they are continually peppering into -their literature, with a pretense of knowing that -language—what excuse can they offer? The foreign -words and phrases which they use have their -exact equivalents in a nobler language—English; -yet they think they “adorn their page” when they -say <i><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Strasse</span></i> for street, and <i><span lang="de" xml:lang="de">Bahnhof</span></i> for railway -station, and so on—flaunting these fluttering rags -of poverty in the reader’s face, and imagining he -<span class='pageno' id='Page_145'>145</span>will be ass enough to take them for the sign of -untold riches held in reserve.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Jungfrau</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>There was something subduing in the influence -of that silent and solemn and awful presence; -one seemed to meet the immutable, the indestructible, -the eternal, face to face, and to feel the -trivial and fleeting nature of his own existence the -more sharply by the contrast. One had the sense -of being under the brooding contemplation of a -spirit, not an inert mass of rocks and ice—a spirit -which had looked down, through the slow drift -of the ages, upon a million vanished races of men, -and judged them; and would judge a million -more—and still be there, watching, unchanged -and unchangeable, after all life should be gone -and the earth have become a vacant desolation.</p> - -<p class='c010'>While I was feeling these things, I was groping, -without knowing it, toward an understanding -of what the spell is which people find in the -Alps, and in no other mountains—that strange, -deep, nameless influence, which once felt, cannot -be forgotten—once felt, leaves always behind -it a restless longing to feel it again—a -longing which is like homesickness; a grieving, -haunting yearning, which will plead, implore, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_146'>146</span>and persecute till it has its will. I met dozens -of people, imaginative and unimaginative, cultivated -and uncultivated, who had come from far -countries and roamed through the Swiss Alps -year after year—they could not explain why. -They had come first, they said, out of idle curiosity, -because everybody talked about it; they -had come since because they could not help it, -and they should keep on coming, while they -lived, for the same reason; they had tried to -break their chains and stay away, but it was -futile; now, they had no desire to break them. -Others came nearer formulating what they felt: -they said they could find perfect rest and peace -nowhere else when they were troubled; all frets -and worries and chafings sank to sleep in the -presence of the benignant serenity of the Alps: -the Great Spirit of the Mountain breathed his -own peace upon their hurt minds and sore hearts, -and healed them; they could not think base -thoughts or do mean and sordid things here, -before the visible throne of God.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Climbing the Gemmi Pass</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>When we began that ascent, we could see a -microscopic chalet perched away up against -heaven on what seemed to be the highest mountain -<span class='pageno' id='Page_147'>147</span>near us. It was on our right, across the -narrow head of the valley. But when we got -up abreast it on its own level, mountains were -towering high above on every hand, and we saw -that its altitude was just about that of the little -Gasternthal which we had visited the evening -before. Still it seemed a long way up in the -air, in that waste and lonely wilderness of rocks. -It had an unfenced grass-plot in front of it -which seemed about as big as a billiard table, -and this grass plot slanted so sharply downwards, -and was so brief, and ended so exceedingly -soon at the verge of the absolute precipice, -that it was a shuddery thing to think of a person’s -venturing to trust his foot on an incline -so situated at all. Suppose a man stepped on -an orange peel in that yard; there would be -nothing for him to seize; nothing could keep -him from rolling; five revolutions would bring -him to the edge, and over he would go. What -a frightful distance he would fall!—for there are -very few birds that fly as high as his starting-point. -He would strike and bounce, two or -three times, on his way down, but this would be -no advantage to him. I would as soon take an -airing on the slant of a rainbow as in such a -front yard. I would rather, in fact, for the distance -<span class='pageno' id='Page_148'>148</span>down would be about the same, and it is -pleasanter to slide than to bounce.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Descent of Gemmi Pass</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We began our descent, now, by the most remarkable -road I have ever seen. It wound in -corkscrew curves down the face of the colossal -precipice—a narrow way, with always the solid -rock wall at one elbow, and perpendicular nothingness -at the other. We met an everlasting procession -of guides, porters, mules, litters, and tourists -climbing up this steep and muddy path, and -there was no room to spare when you had to -pass a tolerably fat mule. I always took the inside, -when I heard or saw the mule coming, and -flattened myself against the wall. I preferred -the inside, of course, but I should have had to -take it anyhow, because the mule prefers the -outside. A mule’s preference—on a precipice—is -a thing to be respected. Well, his choice is -always the outside. His life is mostly devoted -to carrying bulky panniers and packages which -rest against his body—therefore he is habituated -to taking the outside edge of mountain paths, to -keep his bundles from rubbing against rocks or -banks on the other. When he goes into the -passenger business he absurdly clings to his old -<span class='pageno' id='Page_149'>149</span>habit, and keeps one leg of his passenger always -dangling over the great deeps of the lower world -while that passenger’s heart is in the highlands, -so to speak. More than once I saw a mule’s -hind foot cave out over the outer edge and send -earth and rubbish into the bottomless abyss; and -I noticed that upon these occasions the rider, -whether male or female, looked tolerably unwell.</p> - -<p class='c010'>There was one place where an 18–inch breadth -of light masonry had been added to the verge -of the path, and as there was a very sharp turn, -here, a panel of fencing had been set up there -at some ancient time, as a protection. This panel -was old and gray and feeble, and the light masonry -had been loosened by recent rains. A -young American girl came along on a mule, and -in making the turn the mule’s hind foot caved -all the loose masonry and one of the fence posts -overboard; the mule gave a violent lurch inboard -to save himself, and succeeded in the effort, -but the girl turned as white as the snow of Mont -Blanc for a moment.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The path here was simply a groove cut in the -face of the precipice; there was a four-foot -breadth of solid rock under the traveler, and -a four-foot breadth of solid rock just above his -head, like the roof of a narrow porch; he could -look out from this gallery and see a sheer summitless -<span class='pageno' id='Page_150'>150</span>and bottomless wall of rock before him, -across a gorge or crack a biscuit’s toss in width—but -he could not see the bottom of his own -precipice unless he lay down and projected his -nose over the edge. I did not do this, because -I did not wish to soil my clothes.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Alp Climbing</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>There is probably no pleasure equal to the -pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp; but it is -a pleasure which is confined strictly to people -who can find pleasure in it. I have not jumped -to this conclusion; I have traveled to it per -gravel train, so to speak. I have thought the -whole thing out, and am quite sure I am right. -A born climber’s appetite for climbing is hard to -satisfy; when it comes upon him he is like a -starving man with a feast before him; he may -have other business on hand, but it must wait. -Mr. Girdlestone had had his usual summer holiday -in the Alps, and had spent it in the usual -way, hunting for unique chances to break his -neck; his vacation was over, and his luggage -packed for England, but all of a sudden a hunger -had come upon him to climb the tremendous -Weisshorn once more, for he had heard of a new -and utterly impossible route up it. His baggage -<span class='pageno' id='Page_151'>151</span>was unpacked at once, and now he and a friend, -laden with knapsacks, ice-axes, coils of rope, and -canteens of milk, were just setting out. They -would spend the night high up among the snows, -somewhere, and get up at two in the morning -and finish the enterprise. I had a strong desire -to go with them, but forced it down—a feat -which Mr. Girdlestone, with all his fortitude, -could not do.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Old Masters</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We visited the picture galleries and the other -regulation “sights” of Milan—not because I -wanted to write about them again, but to see -if I had learned anything in twelve years. I -afterwards visited the great galleries of Rome -and Florence for the same purpose. I found I -had learned one thing. When I wrote about the -Old Masters before, I said the copies were better -than the originals. That was a mistake of -large dimensions. The Old Masters were still -unpleasing to me, but they were truly divine contrasted -with the copies. The copy is to the original -as the pallid, smart, inane new waxwork group is -to the vigorous, earnest, dignified group of living -men and women whom it professes to duplicate. -There is a mellow richness, a subdued color, in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_152'>152</span>the old pictures, which is to the eye what muffled -and mellowed sound is to the ear. That is -the merit which is most loudly praised in the -old picture, and is the one which the copy most -conspicuously lacks, and which the copyist must -not hope to compass. It was generally conceded -by the artists with whom I talked, that that subdued -splendor, that mellow richness, is imparted -to the picture by <em>age</em>. Then why should we -worship the Old Master for it, who didn’t impart -it, instead of worshiping Old Time, who -did? Perhaps the picture was a clanging bell, -until time muffled it and sweetened it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>In conversation with an artist in Venice, I -asked,</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What is it that people see in Old Masters? -I have been in the Doge’s palace and I saw several -acres of very bad drawing, very bad perspective, -and very incorrect proportions. Paul -Veronese’s dogs do not resemble dogs; all the -horses look like bladders on legs; one man had -a <em>right</em> leg on the left side of his body; in the -large picture where the Emperor (Barbarossa?) -is prostrate before the Pope, there are three men -in the foreground who are over thirty feet high, -if one may judge by the size of a kneeling little -boy in the center of the foreground; and according -to the same scale, the Pope is 7 feet high -<span class='pageno' id='Page_153'>153</span>and the Doge is a shriveled dwarf of 4 feet.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The artist said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, the Old Masters often drew badly; -they did not care much for truth and exactness -in minor details; but after all, in spite of bad -drawing, bad perspective, bad proportions, and -a choice of subjects which no longer appeal to -people as strongly as they did three hundred -years ago, there is a <em>something</em> about their pictures -which is divine—a something which is -above and beyond the art of any epoch since—a -something which would be the despair of artists -but that they never hope or expect to attain -it, and therefore do not worry about it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>That is what he said—and he said what he -believed; and not only believed, but felt.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Reasoning—especially reasoning without technical -knowledge—must be put aside, in cases of -this kind. It cannot assist the inquirer. It will -lead him, in the most logical progression, to what, -in the eyes of the artists, would be a most illogical -conclusion. Thus: bad drawing, bad -proportions, bad perspective, indifference to truthful -detail, color which gets its merit from time, -and not from the artist—these things constitute -the Old Master; conclusion, the Old Master was -a bad painter, the Old Master was not an Old -Master at all, but an Old Apprentice. Your -<span class='pageno' id='Page_154'>154</span>friend the artist will grant your premises, but -deny your conclusion; he will maintain that notwithstanding -this formidable list of confessed defects, -there is still a something that is divine and -unapproachable about the Old Master, and that -there is no arguing the fact away by any system -of reasoning whatever.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I can believe that. There are women who -have an indefinable charm in their faces which -makes them beautiful to their intimates; but a -cold stranger who tried to reason the matter out -and find this beauty would fail. He would -say of one of these women: This chin is too -short, this nose is too long, this forehead is -too high, this hair is too red, this complexion -is too pallid, the perspective of the entire -composition is incorrect; conclusion, the woman -is not beautiful. But her nearest friend might -say, and say truly, “Your premises are right, -your logic is faultless, but your conclusion is -wrong, nevertheless; she is an Old Master—she -is beautiful, but only to such as know her; it is -a beauty which cannot be formulated, but it is -there just the same.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I found more pleasure in contemplating the -Old Masters this time than I did when I was -in Europe in former years, but still it was a -calm pleasure; there was nothing overheated -about it.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_155'>155</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI” (1874–5)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Permanent Ambition</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>When I was a boy, there was but one permanent -ambition among my comrades in our village -on the west bank of the Mississippi River. That -was to be a steamboatman. We had transient -ambitions of other sorts, but they were only -transient. When a circus came and went, it left -us all burning to become clowns; the first negro -minstrel show that ever came to our section left -us all suffering to try that kind of life; now and -then we had a hope that, if we lived and were -good, God would permit us to be pirates. These -ambitions faded out, each in its turn; but the -ambition to be a steamboatman always remained.</p> - -<p class='c010'>My father was a justice of the peace, and I -supposed he possessed the power of life and death -over all men, and could hang anybody that offended -him. This was distinction enough for me -as a general thing; but the desire to be a steamboatman -<span class='pageno' id='Page_156'>156</span>kept intruding, nevertheless. I first -wanted to be a cabin-boy, so that I could come out -with a white apron on and shake a tablecloth over -the side, where all my old comrades could see -me; later I thought I would rather be the deckhand -who stood on the end of the stage-plank -with the coil of rope in his hand, because he -was particularly conspicuous. But these were -only day-dreams—they were too heavenly to be -contemplated as real possibilities. By and by -one of our boys went away. He was not heard -of for a long time. At last he turned up as -apprentice engineer or “striker” on a steamboat. -This thing shook the bottom out of all my Sunday-school -teachings. That boy had been notoriously -worldly, and I just the reverse; yet he -was exalted to this eminence, and I left in obscurity -and misery.</p> - -<p class='c010'>This creature’s career could produce but one -result, and it speedily followed. Boy after boy -managed to get on the river. The minister’s -son became an engineer. The doctor’s and the -postmaster’s sons became “mud clerks”; the -wholesale liquor dealer’s son became a barkeeper -on a boat; four sons of the chief merchant, and -two sons of the county judge, became pilots. -Pilot was the grandest position of all. The pilot, -even in those days of trivial wages, had a princely -<span class='pageno' id='Page_157'>157</span>salary—from a hundred and fifty to two hundred -and fifty dollars a month, and no board to -pay. Two months of his wages would pay a -preacher’s salary for a year. Now some of us -were left disconsolate. We could not get on the -river—at least our parents would not let us.</p> - -<p class='c010'>So, by and by, I ran away. I said I would -never come home again till I was a pilot and -could come in glory.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>First Lessons in Piloting</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The boat backed out from New Orleans at -four in the afternoon, and it was “our watch” -until eight. Mr. Bixby, my chief, “straightened -her up,” ploughed her along past the sterns -of the other boats that lay at the Levee, and then -said, “Here, take her; shave those steamships -as close as you’d peel an apple.” I took the -wheel, and my heart-beat fluttered up into the -hundreds; for it seemed to me that we were -about to scrape the side of every ship in the line, -we were so close. I held my breath and began -to claw the boat away from the danger; and I -had my own opinion of the pilot who had known -no better than to get us into such peril, but I -was too wise to express it. In half a minute -I had a wide margin of safety intervening between -<span class='pageno' id='Page_158'>158</span>the <em>Paul Jones</em> and the ships; and within -ten seconds more I was set aside in disgrace, and -Mr. Bixby was going into danger again and flaying -me alive with abuse of my cowardice. I -was stung, but I was obliged to admire the easy -confidence with which my chief loafed from side -to side of his wheel, and trimmed the ships so -closely that disaster seemed ceaselessly imminent. -When he had cooled a little he told me that the -easy water was close ashore and the current outside, -and therefore we must hug the bank, up-stream, -to get the benefit of the former, and stay -well out, down-stream, to take advantage of the -latter. In my own mind I resolved to be a -down-stream pilot and leave the up-streaming to -people dead to prudence.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now and then Mr. Bixby called my attention -to certain things. Said he, “This is Six-Mile -Point.” I assented. It was pleasant enough -information, but I could not see the bearing of -it. I was not conscious that it was a matter -of any interest to me. Another time he said, -“This is Nine-Mile Point.” Later he said, -“This is Twelve-Mile Point.” They were all -about level with the water’s edge; they all looked -about alike to me; they were monotonously unpicturesque. -I hoped Mr. Bixby would change -the subject. But no; he would crowd up -<span class='pageno' id='Page_159'>159</span>around a point, hugging the shore with affection, -and then say: “The slack water ends here, -abreast this bunch of China-trees; now we cross -over.” So he crossed over. He gave me the -wheel once or twice, but I had no luck. I either -came near chipping off the edge of a sugar plantation, -or I yawed too far from shore, and so -dropped back into disgrace again and got abused.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The watch was ended at last, and we took -supper and went to bed. At midnight the glare -of a lantern shone in my eyes, and the night -watchman said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Come, turn out!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>And then he left. I could not understand -this extraordinary procedure; so I presently gave -up trying to, and dozed off to sleep. Pretty -soon the watchman was back again, and this -time he was gruff. I was annoyed. I said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What do you want to come bothering -around here in the middle of the night for? -Now, as like as not, I’ll not get to sleep again -to-night.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The watchman said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, if this ain’t good, I’m blessed.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The “off-watch” was just turning in, and I -heard some brutal laughter from them, and such -remarks as, “Hello, watchman! ain’t the new -cub turned out yet? He’s delicate likely. Give -<span class='pageno' id='Page_160'>160</span>him some sugar in a rag, and send for the -chambermaid to sing ‘Rock-a-bye Baby,’ to him.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>About this time Mr. Bixby appeared on the -scene. Something like a minute later I was -climbing the pilot-house steps with some of my -clothes on and the rest in my arms. Mr. Bixby -was close behind, commenting. Here was something -fresh—this thing of getting up in the middle -of the night to go to work. It was a detail -in piloting that had never occurred to me at -all. I knew that boats ran all night, but somehow -I had never happened to reflect that somebody -had to get up out of a warm bed to run -them. I began to fear that piloting was not -quite so romantic as I had imagined it was; -there was something very real and worklike -about this new phase of it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>It was rather a dingy night, although a fair -number of stars were out. The big mate was -at the wheel, and he had the old tub pointed at -a star and was holding her straight up the middle -of the river. The shores on either hand were -not much more than half a mile apart, but they -seemed wonderfully far away and ever so vague -and indistinct. The mate said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“We’ve got to land at Jones’s plantation, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The vengeful spirit in me exulted. I said to -myself, “I wish you joy of your job, Mr. Bixby; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_161'>161</span>you’ll have a good time finding Mr. Jones’s -plantation such a night as this; and I hope you -never <em>will</em> find it as long as you live.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Mr. Bixby said to the mate:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Upper end of the plantation, or the lower?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Upper.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I can’t do it. The stumps there are out of -the water at this stage. It’s no great distance -to the lower, and you’ll have to get along with -that.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“All right, sir. If Jones don’t like it, he’ll -have to lump it, I reckon.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>And then the mate left. My exultation began -to cool and my wonder to come up. Here -was a man who not only proposed to find this -plantation on such a night, but to find either -end of it you preferred. I dreadfully wanted -to ask a question, but I was carrying about as -many short answers as my cargo-room would -admit of, so I held my peace. All I desired to -ask Mr. Bixby was the simple question whether -he was ass enough to really imagine he was going -to find that plantation on a night when all plantations -were exactly alike, and all the same -color. But I held in. I used to have fine inspirations -of prudence in those days.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Mr. Bixby made for the shore and soon was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_162'>162</span>scraping it, just the same as if it had been daylight. -And not only that but singing:</p> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> - <div class='nf-center'> - <div>“Father in heaven, the day is declining,” etc.</div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>It seemed to me that I had put my life into -the keeping of a peculiarly reckless outcast. -Presently he turned on me and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What’s the name of the first point above New -Orleans?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, -and I did. I said I didn’t know.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Don’t <em>know</em>?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>This manner jolted me. I was down at the -foot again, in a moment. But I had to say just -what I had said before.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, you’re a smart one!” said Mr. Bixby. -“What’s the name of the <em>next</em> point?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Once more I didn’t know.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, this beats anything. Tell me the name -of any point or place I told you.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I studied a while and decided that I couldn’t.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Look here! What do you start out from, -above Twelve-Mile Point, to cross over?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I—I—don’t know.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You—you—don’t know?” mimicking my -drawling manner of speech. “What <em>do</em> you -know?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_163'>163</span>“I—I—nothing, for certain.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“By the great Cæsar’s ghost, I believe you! -You’re the stupidest dunderhead I ever saw or -ever heard of, so help me Moses! The idea of -<em>you</em> being a pilot—<em>you</em>! Why you don’t know -enough to pilot a cow down a lane.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Oh, but his wrath was up! He was a nervous -man, and he shuffled from one side of his -wheel to the other as if the floor was hot. He -would boil a while to himself, and then overflow -and scald me again.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Look here! What do you suppose I told -you the names of those points for?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I tremblingly considered a moment, and the -devil of temptation provoked me to say:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well—to—to—be entertaining, I thought.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>This was a red flag to the bull. He raged -and stormed so (he was crossing the river at the -time) that I judge it made him blind, because -he ran over the steering-gear of a trading-scow. -Of course the traders sent up a volley of red-hot -profanity. Never was a man so grateful as Mr. -Bixby was; because he was brimful, and here -were subjects who could <em>talk back</em>. He threw -open a window, thrust his head out and such -an eruption followed as I never had heard before. -The fainter and farther away the scowmen’s -curses drifted, the higher Mr. Bixby lifted -<span class='pageno' id='Page_164'>164</span>his voice and the weightier his adjectives grew. -When he closed the window he was empty. -You could have drawn a seine through his system -and not caught curses enough to disturb -your mother with. Presently he said to me in -the gentlest way:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“My boy, you must get a little memorandum -book; and every time I tell you a thing, put it -down right away. There’s only one way to be -a pilot, and that is to get this entire river by -heart. You have to know it just like A B C.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>That was a dismal revelation to me; for my -memory was never loaded with anything but -blank cartridges. However, I did not feel discouraged -long. I judged that it was best to -make allowances, for doubtless Mr. Bixby was -“stretching.” Presently he pulled a rope and -struck a few strokes on the big bell. The stars -were all gone now, and the night was as black -as ink. I could hear the wheels churn along the -bank, but I was not entirely certain that I could -see the shore. The voice of the invisible watchman -called up from the hurricane deck:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What’s this, sir?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Jones’s plantation.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I said to myself, “I wish that I might venture -to offer a small bet that it isn’t,” But I did not -chirp. I only waited to see. Mr. Bixby -<span class='pageno' id='Page_165'>165</span>handled the engine bells, and in due time the -boat’s nose came to the land, a torch glowed from -the forecastle, a man skipped ashore, a darkey’s -voice on the bank said, “Gimme de k’yarpet bag, -Mass’ Jones,” and the next moment we were -standing up the river again, all serene. I reflected -deeply a while, and then said—but not -aloud—“Well, the finding of that plantation -was the luckiest accident that ever happened; -but it couldn’t happen again in a hundred years.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Perplexing Lessons</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>At the end of what seemed a tedious while, -I had managed to pack my head full of islands, -towns, bars, “points,” and bends, and a curiously -inanimate mass of lumber it was, too. However, -inasmuch as I could shut my eyes and reel -off a good long string of these names without -leaving out more than ten miles of river in every -fifty, I began to feel that I could take a boat -down to New Orleans if I could make her skip -those little gaps. But of course my complacency -could hardly get start enough to lift my nose a -trifle into the air, before Mr. Bixby would think -of something to fetch it down again. One day -he turned on me suddenly with this settler:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What is the shape of Walnut Bend?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_166'>166</span>He might as well have asked me my grandmother’s -opinion of protoplasm. I reflected respectfully, -and then said I didn’t know it had -any particular shape. My gunpowdery chief -went off with a bang, of course, and then went -on loading and firing until he was out of adjectives.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I had learned long ago that he only carried -just so many rounds of ammunition and was sure -to subside into a very placable and even remorseful -old smoothbore as soon as they were all gone. -That word “old” is merely affectionate; he was -not more than thirty-four. I waited. By and -by he said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“My boy, you’ve got to know the <em>shape</em> of the -river perfectly. It is all there is left to steer -by on a very dark night. Everything else is -blotted out and gone. But mind you, it hasn’t -the same shape in the night that it has in the -daytime.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How on earth am I ever going to learn it -then?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How do you follow a hall at home in the -dark? Because you know the shape of it. You -can’t see it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Do you mean to say that I’ve got to know all -the million trifling variations of shape in the -banks of this interminable river as well as I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_167'>167</span>know the shape of the front hall at home?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“On my honor, you’ve got to know them -<em>better</em> than any man ever did know the shapes -of the halls in his own house.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I wish I was dead!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now, I don’t want to discourage you, -but——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, pile it on me; I might as well have -it now as another time.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You see, this has got to be learned; there -isn’t any getting around it. A clear starlight night -throws such heavy shadows that, if you didn’t -know the shape of a shore perfectly, you would -claw away from every bunch of timber, because -you would take the black shadow of it for a -solid cape; and you see you would be getting -scared to death every fifteen minutes by the -watch. You would be fifty yards from shore all -the time when you ought to be within fifty feet -of it. You can’t see a snag in one of those -shadows, but you know exactly where it is, and -the shape of the river tells you when you are -coming to it. Then there’s your pitch-dark -night; the river is a very different shape on a -pitch-dark night from what it is on a starlight -night. All shores seem to be straight lines, then, -and mighty dim ones, too; and you’d <em>run</em> them -for straight lines, only you know better. You -<span class='pageno' id='Page_168'>168</span>boldly drive your boat right into what seems to -be a solid, straight wall (you knowing very well -that in reality there is a curve there), and that -wall falls back and makes way for you. Then -there’s your gray mist. You take a night when -there’s one of these grisly drizzly, gray mists, -and then there isn’t <em>any</em> particular shape to a -shore. A gray mist would tangle the head of the -oldest man that ever lived. Well, then, different -kinds of <em>moonlight</em> change the shape of the -river in different ways. You see——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, don’t say any more, please! Have I got -to learn the shape of the river according to all -these five hundred thousand different ways? If -I tried to carry all that cargo in my head it -would make me stoop-shouldered.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“<em>No!</em> you only learn the shape of <em>the</em> river; -and you learn it with such absolute certainty -that you can always steer by the shape that’s <em>in -your head</em>, and never the one that’s before your -eyes.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very well, I’ll try it; but, after I have -learned it, can I depend on it? Will it keep the -same form and not go fooling around?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Before Mr. Bixby could answer, Mr. W. came -in to take the watch and he said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Bixby, you’ll have to look out for President’s -Island, and all that country clear away up above -<span class='pageno' id='Page_169'>169</span>the Old Hen and Chickens. The banks are -caving and the shape of the shore changing like -everything. Why you wouldn’t know the point -above 40. You can go up inside the old sycamore -snag, now.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>So that question was answered. Here were -leagues of shore changing shape. My spirits -were down in the mud again. Two things -seemed pretty apparent to me. One was, that -in order to be a pilot a man has got to learn -more than any one man ought to be allowed to -know; and the other was, that he must learn -it all over again in a different way every twenty-four -hours.</p> - -<p class='c010'>That night we had the watch until twelve. -Now it was an ancient river custom for the two -pilots to chat a bit when the watch changed. -While the relieving pilot put on his gloves and -lit his cigar, his partner, the retiring pilot, would -say something like this:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I judge the upper bar is making down a -little at Hale’s Point; had quarter twain with -the lower lead and mark twain with the other.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, I thought it was making down a little, -last trip. Meet any boats?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Met one abreast the head of 21, but she -was away over hugging the bar, and I couldn’t -make her out entirely. I took her for the <em>Sunny -<span class='pageno' id='Page_170'>170</span>South</em>—hadn’t any skylight forward of the -chimneys.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>And so on. And as the relieving pilot took -the wheel his partner would mention that we -were in such-and-such a bend, and say we were -abreast of such a man’s woodyard or plantation. -This was courtesy; I supposed it was <em>necessity</em>. -But Mr. W. came on watch full twelve minutes -late on this particular night—a tremendous -breach of etiquette; in fact, it is the unpardonable -sin among pilots. So Mr. Bixby gave him -no greeting whatever, but simply surrendered the -wheel and marched out of the pilot-house without -a word. I was appalled; it was a villainous -night for blackness, we were in a particularly -wide and blind part of the river, where there -was no shape or substance to anything, and it -seemed incredible that Mr. Bixby should have -left that poor fellow to kill the boat trying to -find out where he was. But I resolved that I -would stand by him anyway. He should find -that he was not wholly friendless. So I stood -around, and waited to be asked where we were. -But Mr. W. plunged on serenely through the -solid firmament of black cats that stood for an -atmosphere and never opened his mouth. “He -is a proud devil!” thought I; “here is a limb of -Satan that would rather send us all to destruction -<span class='pageno' id='Page_171'>171</span>than put himself under obligations to me, -because I am not yet one of the salt of the earth -and privileged to snub captains and lord it over -everything dead and alive in a steamboat.” I -presently climbed up on the bench; I did not -think it was safe to go to sleep while this lunatic -was on watch.</p> - -<p class='c010'>However, I must have gone to sleep in the -course of time, because the next thing I was -aware of was the fact that day was breaking, -Mr. W. gone, and Mr. Bixby at the wheel again. -So it was four o’clock and all well—but me; -I felt like a skinful of dry bones, and all of -them trying to ache at once.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Mr. Bixby asked me what I had stayed up -there for. I confessed that it was to do Mr. W. -a benevolence—tell him where he was. It took -five minutes for the entire preposterousness of -the thing to filter into Mr. Bixby’s system, and -then I judged it filled him nearly up to the -chin; because he paid me a compliment—and -not much of a one either. He said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, taking you by and large, you seem to -be more different kinds of an ass than any creature -I ever saw before. What did you suppose -he wanted to know for?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I said I thought it might be a convenience to -him.</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_172'>172</span>“Convenience! D——nation! Didn’t I tell -you that a man’s got to know the river in the -night the same as he’d know his front hall?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, I can follow the front hall in the dark -if I know it <em>is</em> the front hall; but suppose you set -me down in the middle of it in the dark and did -not tell me which hall it is; how am I to know?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, you’ve <em>got</em> to, on the river!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“All right. Then I’m glad I never said anything -to Mr. W.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I should say so! Why, he’d have slammed -you through the window and utterly ruined a -hundred dollars’ worth of window-sash and -stuff.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I was glad this damage had been saved, for -it would have made me unpopular with the -owners. They always hated anybody who had -the name of being careless and injuring things.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I went to work now to learn the shape of the -river; and of all the eluding and ungraspable -objects that ever I tried to get mind or hands -on, that was the chief. I would fasten my eyes -upon a sharp, wooded point that projected far -into the river some miles ahead of me, and go -laboriously photographing its shape into my -brain; and just as I was beginning to succeed -to my satisfaction, we would draw up toward -it and the exasperating thing would begin to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_173'>173</span>melt away and fold back into the bank! If -there had been a conspicuous dead tree standing -up in the very point of the cape, I would find -that tree inconspicuously merged into the general -forest, and occupying the middle of a -straight shore, when I got abreast of it! No -prominent hill would stick to its shape long -enough for me to make up my mind what its -form really was, but it was as dissolving and -changeful as if it had been a mountain of butter -in the hottest corner of the tropics. Nothing -ever had the same shape when I was coming -down-stream that it had borne when I went -up. I mentioned these little difficulties to Mr. -Bixby. He said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That’s the very main virtue of the thing. If -the shapes didn’t change every three seconds -they wouldn’t be of any use. Take this place -where we are now, for instance. As long as -that hill over yonder is only one hill, I can boom -right along the way I’m going; but the moment -it splits at the top and forms a V, I know I’ve -got to scratch to starboard in a hurry, or I’ll -bang this boat’s brains out against a rock; and -then the moment one of the prongs of the V -swings behind the other, I’ve got to waltz to -larboard again, or I’ll have a misunderstanding -with a snag that would snatch the keelson out -<span class='pageno' id='Page_174'>174</span>of this steamboat as neatly as if it were a sliver -in your hand. If that hill didn’t change its -shape on bad nights there would be an awful -steamboat graveyard around here inside of a -year.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>It was plain that I had got to learn the shape -of the river in all the different ways that could -be thought of,—upside down, wrong end first, -inside out, fore-and-aft, and “thortships,”—and -then know what to do on gray nights when it -hadn’t any shape at all. So I set about it. In -the course of time I began to get the best of -this knotty lesson, and my self-complacency -moved to the front once more. Mr. Bixby was -all fixed, and ready to start it to the rear again. -He opened on me in this fashion:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How much water did we have in the middle -crossing at Hole-in-the-Wall, trip before last?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I considered this an outrage. I said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Every trip, down and up, the leadsmen are -singing through that tangled place for three-quarters -of an hour on a stretch. How do you -reckon I can remember such a mess as that?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“My boy, you’ve got to remember it. You’ve -got to remember the exact spot and the exact -marks the boat lay in when we had the shoalest -water, in every one of the five hundred shoal -places between St. Louis and New Orleans; and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_175'>175</span>you mustn’t get the shoal soundings and marks -of one trip mixed up with the shoal soundings -and marks of another, either, for they’re not -often twice alike. You must keep them separate.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>When I came to myself again, I said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“When I get so that I can do that, I’ll be able -to raise the dead, and then I won’t have to pilot -a steamboat to make a living. I want to retire -from this business. I want a slush-bucket and -a brush; I’m only fit for a roustabout. I haven’t -got brains enough to be a pilot; and if I had -I wouldn’t have strength enough to carry them -around unless I went on crutches.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now, drop that! When I say I’ll learn a -man the river, I mean it. And you can depend -on it, I’ll learn him or kill him.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Test of Courage</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The growth of courage in the pilot-house is -steady all the time, but it does not reach a high -and satisfactory condition until sometime after -the young pilot has been “standing his own -watch” alone and under the staggering weight -of all the responsibilities connected with the position. -When an apprentice has become pretty -thoroughly acquainted with the river, he goes -<span class='pageno' id='Page_176'>176</span>clattering along so fearlessly with his steamboat, -night or day, that he presently begins to imagine -that it is <em>his</em> courage that animates him; but the -first time the pilot steps out and leaves him to -his own devices he finds out it was the other -man’s. He discovers that the article has been -left out of his own cargo altogether. The whole -river is bristling with exigencies in a moment; -he is not prepared for them; he does not know -how to meet them; all his knowledge forsakes -him; and within fifteen minutes he is as white -as a sheet and scared almost to death. Therefore, -pilots wisely train these cubs by various -strategic tricks to look danger in the face a little -more calmly. A favorite way of theirs is to play -a friendly swindle upon the candidate.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Mr. Bixby served me in this fashion once, -and for years afterward I used to blush, even -in my sleep, when I thought of it. I had become -a good steersman; so good, indeed, that I -had all the work to do on our watch, night and -day. Mr. Bixby seldom made a suggestion to -me; all he ever did was to take the wheel on -particularly bad nights or in particularly bad -crossings, land the boat when she needed to be -landed, play gentleman of leisure nine-tenths -of the watch, and collect the wages. The lower -river was about bank-full, and if anybody had -<span class='pageno' id='Page_177'>177</span>questioned my ability to run any crossing between -Cairo and New Orleans without help or instruction, -I should have felt irreparably hurt. The -idea of being afraid of any crossing in the lot, -in the <em>daytime</em>, was a thing too preposterous -for contemplation. Well, one matchless summer’s -day I was bowling down the bend above -Island 66, brim full of self-conceit and carrying -my nose as high as a giraffe’s, when Mr. Bixby -said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I am going below a while. I suppose you -know the next crossing?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>This was almost an affront. It was about the -plainest and simplest crossing in the whole river. -One couldn’t come to any harm, whether he ran -it right or not; and as for depth, there never -had been any bottom there. I knew all this -perfectly well.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Know how to <em>run</em> it? Why, I can run it -with my eyes shut.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How much water is there in it?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, that is an odd question. I couldn’t -get bottom there with a church steeple.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You think so, do you?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The very tone of the question shook my confidence. -That was what Mr. Bixby was expecting. -He left, without saying anything more. -I began to imagine all sorts of things. Mr. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_178'>178</span>Bixby, unknown to me, of course, sent somebody -down to the forecastle with some mysterious -instructions to the leadsmen, another messenger -was sent to whisper among the officers, -and then Mr. Bixby went into hiding behind a -smoke-stack where he could observe results. -Presently the captain stepped out on the hurricane -deck; next the chief mate appeared; then -a clerk. Every moment or two a straggler -was added to my audience; and before I got to -the head of the island I had fifteen or twenty -people assembled down there under my nose. -I began to wonder what the trouble was. As -I started across, the captain glanced aloft at me -and said, with a sham uneasiness in his voice:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Where is Mr. Bixby?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Gone below, sir.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>But that did the business for me. My -imagination began to construct dangers out of -nothing, and they multiplied faster than I could -keep the run of them. All at once I imagined -I saw shoal water ahead! The wave of coward -agony that surged through me then came near -dislocating every joint in me. All my confidence -in that crossing vanished. I seized the bell-rope; -dropped it, ashamed; seized it again; dropped it -once more; clutched it tremblingly once again, -and pulled it so feebly that I could hardly hear -<span class='pageno' id='Page_179'>179</span>the stroke myself. Captain and mate sang out -instantly, and both together:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Starboard lead there! and quick about it!” -This was another shock. I began to climb the -wheel like a squirrel; but I would hardly get -the boat started to port before I would see new -dangers on that side, and away I would spin -to the other; only to find perils accumulating -to starboard, and be crazy to get to port again. -Then came the leadsman’s sepulchral cry:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“D-e-e-p four!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Deep four in a bottomless crossing! The terror -of it took my breath away.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“M-a-r-k three! M-a-r-k three! Quarter-less-three! -Half twain!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>This was frightful! I seized the bell-rope and -stopped the engines.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Quarter twain! Quarter twain! <em>Mark</em> -twain!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I was helpless. I did not know what in the -world to do. I was quaking from head to foot, -and I could have hung my hat on my eyes, they -stuck out so far.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Quarter-<em>less</em>-twain! Nine-and-a-half!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>We were <em>drawing</em> nine! My hands were in -a nerveless flutter. I could not ring a bell intelligibly -with them. I flew to the speaking-tube -and shouted to the engineer:</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_180'>180</span>“Oh, Ben, if you love me, <em>back</em> her! Quick, -Ben! Oh, back the immortal <em>soul</em> out of her!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I heard the door close gently. I looked -around, and there stood Mr. Bixby, smiling, a -bland, sweet smile. Then the audience on the -hurricane deck sent up a thundergust of humiliating -laughter. I saw it all, now, and I felt -meaner than the meanest man in human history. -I laid in the lead, set the boat in her marks, -came ahead on the engines, and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“It was a fine trick to play on an orphan, -<em>wasn’t</em> it? I suppose I’ll never hear the last -of how I was ass enough to heave the lead at -the head of 66.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, no, you won’t, maybe. In fact I hope -you won’t; for I want you to learn something -by that experience. Didn’t you know there was -no bottom in that crossing?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, sir, I did.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Very well, then. You shouldn’t have allowed -me or anybody else to shake your confidence -in that knowledge. Try to remember -that. And another thing: when you get into a -dangerous place, don’t turn coward. That isn’t -going to help matters any.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>It was a good enough lesson, but pretty hardly -learned. Yet about the hardest part of it was -<span class='pageno' id='Page_181'>181</span>that for months I so often had to hear a phrase -which I had conceived a particular distaste for. -It was, “Oh, Ben, if you love me, back her!”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_182'>182</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE PRINCE AND THE PAUPER” (1877–80)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Births of High and Low Degree</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In the ancient city of London, on a certain -autumn day, in the second quarter of the sixteenth -century, a boy was born to a poor family -of the name of Canty, who did not want him. -On the same day another English child was born -to a rich family of the name of Tudor, who did -want him. All England wanted him, too. -England had so longed for him, and hoped for -him, and prayed God for him, that, now that -he was really come, the people went nearly mad -for joy. Mere acquaintances hugged and kissed -each other and cried. Everybody took a holiday, -and high and low, rich and poor, feasted and -danced and sang, and got very mellow; and they -kept this up for days and nights together. By -day, London was a sight to see, with gay banners -waving from every balcony and housetop, -and splendid pageants marching along. By -night it was again a sight to see, with its great -<span class='pageno' id='Page_183'>183</span>bonfires at every corner, and its troops of revelers -making merry around them. There was no talk -in all England but of the new baby, Edward -Tudor, Prince of Wales, who lay lapped in silks -and satins, unconscious of all this fuss, and not -knowing that great lords and ladies were tending -him and watching over him—and not caring, -either. But there was no talk about the other -baby, Tom Canty, lapped in his poor rags, except -among the family of paupers whom he had -just come to trouble with his presence.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Canty Home</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The house which Tom’s father lived in was -up a foul little pocket called Offal Court, out of -Pudding Lane. It was small, decayed, and -rickety, but it was packed full of wretchedly -poor families. Canty’s tribe occupied a room -on the third floor. The mother and father had -a sort of bedstead in the corner; but Tom, his -grandmother, and his two sisters, Bet and Nan, -were not restricted—they had all the floor to -themselves, and might sleep where they chose. -There were the remains of a blanket or two, -and some bundles of ancient and dirty straw, -but these could not rightly be called beds, for -they were not organized; they were kicked into -<span class='pageno' id='Page_184'>184</span>a general pile mornings, and selections made -from the mass at night, for service.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>London Bridge</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>This structure, which had stood for six hundred -years, and had been a noisy and populous -thoroughfare all that time, was a curious affair, -for a closely packed rank of stores and shops, -with family quarters overhead, stretched along -both sides of it, from one bank of the river to -the other. The Bridge was a sort of a town to -itself; it had its inn, its beer houses, its bakeries, -its haberdasheries, its food markets, its manufacturing -industries and even its church. It -looked upon the two neighbors which it linked -together—London and Southwark—as being -well enough, as suburbs, but not otherwise particularly -important. It was a close corporation, -so to speak; it was a narrow town, of a -single street a fifth of a mile long, its population -was but a village population, and everybody -in it knew all his fellow townsmen intimately, -and had known their fathers and mothers -before them—and all their little family affairs -into the bargain. It had its aristocracy, of course—its -fine old families of butchers, and bakers, -and what-not, who had occupied the same old -<span class='pageno' id='Page_185'>185</span>premises for five or six hundred years, and knew -the great history of the Bridge from beginning -to end, and all its strange legends; and who -always talked bridgy talk, and thought bridgy -thoughts, and lied in a long, level, direct, substantial -bridgy way.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Tom Canty, King</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>He opened his eyes—the richly clad First Lord -of the Bedchamber was kneeling by his couch. -The gladness of the lying dream faded away—the -poor boy recognized that he was still a captive -and a king. The room was filled with -courtiers clothed in purple mantles—the mourning -color<a id='r1' /><a href='#f1' class='c014'><sup>[1]</sup></a>—and with noble servants of the -monarch. Tom sat up in bed and gazed out -from the heavy silken curtains upon this fine -company.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The weighty business of dressing began, and -one courtier after another knelt and paid his -court and offered to the little king his condolences -upon his heavy loss, while the dressing -proceeded. In the beginning, a shirt was -taken up by the Chief Equerry in Waiting, who -passed it to the First Lord of the Buckhounds, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_186'>186</span>who passed it to the Second Gentleman of the -Bedchamber, who passed it to the Head Ranger -of Windsor Forest, who passed it to the Third -Groom of the Stole, who passed it to the Chancellor -Royal of the Duchy of Lancaster, who -passed it to the Master of the Wardrobe, who -passed it to Norroy King-at-Arms, who passed -it to the Constable of the Tower, who passed it -to the Chief Steward of the Household, who -passed it to the Hereditary Grand Diaperer, who -passed it to the Lord High Admiral of England, -who passed it to the Archbishop of Canterbury, -who passed it to the First Lord of -the Bedchamber, who took what was left of it -and put it on Tom. Poor little wondering -chap, it reminded him of passing buckets at a -fire....</p> - -<p class='c010'>A secretary of state presented an order of the -Council appointing the morrow at eleven for -the reception of the foreign ambassadors, and -desired the king’s assent.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom turned an inquiring look toward Hertford, -who whispered:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Your majesty will signify consent. They -come to testify their royal masters’ sense of the -heavy calamity which hath visited your grace -and the realm of England.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Tom did as he was bidden. Another secretary -<span class='pageno' id='Page_187'>187</span>began to read a preamble concerning the -expenses of the late king’s household, which -had amounted to £28,000 during the preceding -six months—a sum so vast that it made Tom -Canty gasp; he gasped again when the fact -appeared that £20,000 of this money were still -owing and unpaid; and once more when it appeared -that the king’s coffers were about empty, -and his twelve hundred servants much embarrassed -for lack of the wages due them. Tom -spoke out, with lively apprehension.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“We be going to the dogs, ’tis plain. ’Tis -meet and necessary that we take a smaller house -and set the servants at large, sith they be of -no value but to make delay, and trouble one -with offices that harass the spirit and shame the -soul, they misbecoming any but a doll, that hath -nor brains nor hands to help itself withal. I -remember me of a small house that standeth -over against the fish-market, by Billingsgate——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>A sharp pressure upon Tom’s arm stopped -his foolish tongue and sent a blush to his face; -but no countenance there betrayed any sign that -this strange speech had been remarked or given -concern.</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_188'>188</span> - <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Little King in Prison</span></h3> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>Hendon’s<a id='r2' /><a href='#f2' class='c014'><sup>[2]</sup></a> arts all failed with the king—he -could not be comforted, but a couple of women -who were chained near him, succeeded better. -Under their gentle ministrations he found peace -and learned a degree of patience. He was very -grateful, and came to love them dearly and -to delight in the sweet and soothing influence -of their presence. He asked them why they -were in prison, and when they said they were -Baptists, he smiled and inquired:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Is that a crime to be shut up for in a prison? -Now I grieve, for I shall lose ye—they will not -keep ye long for such a little thing.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>They did not answer; and something in their -faces made him uneasy. He said, eagerly:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You do not speak—be good to me, and tell -me—there will be no other punishment? Prithee, -tell me there is no fear of that.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>They tried to change the topic, but his fears -were aroused, and he pursued it:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Will they scourge thee? No, no, they would -not be so cruel! Say they would not. Come, -they <em>will</em> not, will they?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_189'>189</span>The women betrayed confusion and distress, -but there was no avoiding an answer, so one -of them said, in a voice choked with emotion:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, thou’lt break our hearts, thou gentle -spirit! God will help us to bear our——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“It is a confession!” the king broke in. -“Then they <em>will</em> scourge thee, the stony-hearted -wretches. But oh, thou must not weep, I cannot -bear it. Keep up thy courage—I shall come -to my own in time to save thee from this bitter -thing and I will do it!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>When the king awoke in the morning, the -women were gone.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“They are saved!” he said, joyfully; then -added, despondently, “but woe is me!—for they -were my comforters.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Each of them had left a shred of ribbon -pinned to his clothing, in token of remembrance. -He said he would keep these things always; and -that soon he would seek out these dear good -friends of his and take them under his protection.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Just then the jailer came in with some -subordinates and commanded that the prisoners -be conducted to the jail-yard. The king was -overjoyed—it would be a blessed thing to see -the blue sky and breathe the fresh air once -more. He fretted and chafed at the slowness -<span class='pageno' id='Page_190'>190</span>of the officers, but his turn came at last and he -was released from his staple and ordered to -follow the other prisoners, with Hendon.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The court, or quadrangle, was stone-paved, -and open to the sky. The prisoners entered it -through a massive archway of masonry, and -were placed in file, standing, with their backs -against the wall. A rope was stretched in front -of them, and they were also guarded by their -officers. It was a chill and lowering morning, -and a light snow which had fallen during the -night whitened the great empty space and added -to the general dismalness of its aspect. Now -and then a wintry wind shivered through the -place and sent the snow eddying hither and -thither.</p> - -<p class='c010'>In the center of the court stood two women, -chained to posts. A glance showed the king -that these were his good friends. He shuddered, -and said to himself, “Alack, they are not gone -free, as I had thought. To think that such -as these should know the lash!—in England! -Ay, there’s the shame of it—not in Heathenesse, -but Christian England! They will be scourged; -and I, whom they have comforted and kindly -entreated, must look on and see the great wrong -done; it is strange, so strange! that I, the very -source of power in this broad realm, am helpless -<span class='pageno' id='Page_191'>191</span>to protect them. But let these miscreants -look well to themselves, for there is a day coming -when I will require of them a heavy reckoning -for this work. For every blow they strike -now they shall feel a hundred then.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>A great gate swung open and a crowd of citizens -poured in. They flocked around the two -women, and hid them from the king’s view. A -clergyman entered and passed through the crowd, -and he also was hidden. The king now heard -talking, back and forth, as if questions were -being asked and answered, but he could not -make out what was said. Next there was a -deal of bustle and preparation, and much passing -and repassing of officials through that part of -the crowd that stood on the further side of the -women; and while this proceeded a deep hush -gradually fell upon the people.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now, by command, the masses parted and -fell aside, and the king saw a spectacle that froze -the marrow in his bones. Fagots had been piled -about the two women, and a kneeling man was -lighting them!</p> - -<p class='c010'>The women bowed their heads, and covered -their faces with their hands; the yellow flames -began to climb upward among the snapping and -crackling fagots, and wreaths of blue smoke to -stream away on the wind; the clergyman lifted -<span class='pageno' id='Page_192'>192</span>his hands and began a prayer—just then two -young girls came flying through the great gate, -uttering piercing screams, and threw themselves -upon the women at the stake. Instantly they -were torn away by the officers, and one of them -was kept in a tight grip, but the other broke -loose, saying she would die with her mother; -and before she could be stopped she had flung -her arms about her mother’s neck again. She -was torn away once more, and with her gown -on fire. Two or three men held her, and the -burning portion of her gown was snatched off -and thrown flaming aside, she struggling all -the while to free herself, and saying she would -be alone in the world now, and begging to -be allowed to die with her mother. Both the -girls screamed continually, and fought for freedom; -but suddenly this tumult was drowned -under a volley of heart-piercing shrieks of mortal -agony. The king glanced from the frantic girls -to the stake, then turned away and leaned his -ashen face against the wall, and looked no more. -He said, “That which I have seen, in that one -little moment, will never go out from my -memory, but will abide there; and I shall see it -all the days, and dream of it all the nights, till -I die. Would God I had been blind!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Hendon was watching the king. He said to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_193'>193</span>himself, with satisfaction, “His disorder -mendeth; he hath changed, and groweth gentler. -If he had followed his wont, he would have -stormed at these varlets, and said he was king, -and commanded that the women be turned loose -unscathed. Soon his delusion will pass away -and be forgotten, and his poor mind will be -whole again. God speed the day!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>That same day several prisoners were brought -in to remain over night, who were being conveyed, -under guard, to various places in the -kingdom, to undergo punishment for crimes committed. -The king conversed with these,—he -had made it a point, from the beginning, to instruct -himself for the kingly office by questioning -prisoners whenever the opportunity offered—and -the tale of their woes wrung his heart. One -of them was a poor half-witted woman who had -stolen a yard or two of cloth from a weaver—she -was to be hanged for it. Another was a -man who had been accused of stealing a horse; -he said the proof had failed, and he had -imagined that he was safe from the halter; -but no—he was hardly free before he was -arraigned for killing a deer in the king’s park; -this was proved against him, and now he -was on his way to the gallows. There was -a tradesman’s apprentice whose case particularly -<span class='pageno' id='Page_194'>194</span>distressed the king; this youth said he found a -hawk one evening that had escaped from its -owner, and he took it home with him, imagining -himself entitled to it; but the court convicted him -of stealing it, and sentenced him to death.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The king was furious over these inhumanities, -and wanted Hendon to break jail and fly -with him to Westminster, so that he could mount -his throne and hold out his scepter in mercy over -these unfortunate people and save their lives. -“Poor child,” sighed Hendon, “these woeful -tales have brought his malady upon him again—alack, -but for this evil hap, he would have -been well in a little time.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Among these prisoners was an old lawyer—a -man with a strong face and a dauntless mien. -Three years past, he had written a pamphlet -against the Lord Chancellor, accusing him of -injustice, and had been punished for it by the -loss of his ears in the pillory and degradation -from the bar, and in addition had been fined -£3,000 and sentenced to imprisonment for life. -Lately he had repeated his offense; and in consequence -was now under sentence to lose <em>what -remained of his ears</em>, pay a fine of £5,000, be -branded on both cheeks, and remain in prison -for life.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“These be honorable scars,” he said, and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_195'>195</span>turned back his gray hair and showed the mutilated -stubs of what had once been his ears.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The king’s eyes burned with passion. He -said: “None believe in me—neither wilt thou. -But no matter—within the compass of a month -thou shalt be free; and more, the laws that have -dishonored thee, and shamed the English name, -shall be swept from the statute books. The -world is made wrong, kings should go to school -to their own laws at times, and so learn mercy.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Tom Canty the First</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Whilst the true king wandered about the land, -poorly clad, poorly fed, cuffed and derided by -tramps one while, herding with thieves and murderers -in a jail another, and called idiot and -impostor by all impartially, the mock King Tom -Canty enjoyed a quite different experience.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When we saw him last, royalty was just -beginning to have a bright side for him. This -bright side went on brightening more and more -every day; in a very little while it was become -almost all sunshine and delightfulness. He lost -his fears! his misgivings faded out and died; his -embarrassments departed, and gave place to an -easy and confident bearing.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He ordered my Lady Elizabeth and my Lady -<span class='pageno' id='Page_196'>196</span>Jane Gray into his presence when he wanted to -play or talk, and dismissed them when he was -done with them, with the air of one familiarly -accustomed to such performances. It no -longer confused him to have these lofty personages -kiss his hand at parting.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He came to enjoy being conducted to bed in -state at night, and dressed with intricate and -solemn ceremony in the morning. It came to -be a proud pleasure to march to dinner attended -by a glittering procession of officers of state and -gentlemen-at-arms; insomuch, indeed, that he -doubled his guard of gentlemen-at-arms, and -made them a hundred. He liked to hear the -bugles sounding down the long corridors, and -the distant voices responding, “Way for the -king!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>He even learned to enjoy sitting in throned -state in council, and seeming to be something -more than the Lord Protector’s mouthpiece. -He liked to receive great ambassadors and their -gorgeous trains, and listen to the affectionate -messages they brought from illustrious monarchs -who called him “brother.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Oh, happy Tom Canty, late of Offal Court!</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Tom Is Recognized</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The great pageant moved on, and still on, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_197'>197</span>under one triumphal arch after another, and past -a bewildering succession of spectacular and symbolical -tableaux, each of which typified and exalted -some virtue, or talent, or merit, of the -little king’s. Throughout the whole of Cheapside, -from every penthouse and window, hung -banners and streamers; and the richest carpets, -stuffs, and cloth-of-gold tapestried the streets,—specimens -of the great wealth of the stores -within; and the splendor of this throughfare -was equaled in the other streets, and in some -even surpassed.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“And all these wonders and these marvels are -to welcome me—me!” murmured Tom Canty.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The mock king’s cheeks were flushed with -excitement, his eyes were flashing, his senses -swam in a delirium of pleasure. At this point, -just as he was raising his hand to fling another -rich largess, he caught sight of a pale, astounded -face which was strained forward out of the second -rank of the crowd, its intense eyes riveted -upon him. A sickening consternation struck -through him; he recognized his mother! and up -flew his hand, palm outward, before his eyes,—that -old involuntary gesture, born of a forgotten -episode, and perpetuated by habit. In an -instant more she had torn her way out of the -press, and past the guards, and was at his side. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_198'>198</span>She embraced his leg, she covered it with kisses, -she cried, “O, my child, my darling!” lifting -toward him a face that was transfigured with -joy and love. The same instant an officer of -the King’s Guard snatched her away with a -curse, and sent her reeling back whence she -came, with a vigorous impulse from his strong -arm. The words, “I do not know you, woman!” -were falling from Tom Canty’s lips when this -piteous thing occurred; but it smote him to the -heart to see her treated so; and as she turned -for a last glimpse of him, whilst the crowd -was swallowing her from his sight, she seemed -so wounded, so broken-hearted, that a shame fell -upon him which consumed his pride to ashes, and -withered his stolen royalty. His grandeurs were -stricken valueless; they seemed to fall away from -him like rotten rags.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The procession moved on, and still on, through -ever augmenting splendors and ever augmenting -tempests of welcome; but to Tom Canty they -were as if they had not been. He neither saw -nor heard. Royalty had lost its grace and sweetness; -its pomps were become a reproach. Remorse -was eating his heart out. He said, -“Would God I were free of my captivity!”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_199'>199</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE ADVENTURES OF HUCKLEBERRY FINN” (1876–83)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Huck and Nigger Jim<a id='r3' /><a href='#f3' class='c014'><sup>[3]</sup></a> Start on their Long Drift</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>When it was beginning to come on dark we -poked our heads out of the cottonwood thicket, -and looked up and down and across; nothing in -sight; so Jim took up some of the top planks -of the raft and built a snug wigwam to get -under in blazing weather and rainy, and to -keep the things dry. Jim made a floor for the -wigwam, and raised it a foot or more above the -level of the raft, so now the blankets and all -the traps were out of reach of steamboat waves. -Right in the middle of the wigwam we made a -layer of dirt about five or six inches deep with -a frame around it for to hold it to its place; -this was to build a fire on in sloppy weather or -chilly; the wigwam would keep it from being -seen. We made an extra steering-oar, too, because -<span class='pageno' id='Page_200'>200</span>one of the others might get broke on a -snag or something. We fixed up a short forked -stick to hang the old lantern on, because we -must always light the lantern whenever we see -a steamboat coming down-stream, to keep from -getting run over; but we wouldn’t have to light -it for the up-stream boats unless we see we was -in what they call a “crossing”; for the river -was pretty high yet, very low banks being still -a little under water; so up-bound boats didn’t -always run the channel, but hunted easy water.</p> - -<p class='c010'>This second night we run between seven -and eight hours, with a current that was making -over four mile an hour. We catched fish and -talked, and we took a swim now and then to -keep off sleepiness. It was kind of solemn, -drifting down the big, still river, laying on our -backs looking up at the stars, and we didn’t -ever feel like talking loud, and it warn’t often -that we laughed—only a little kind of a low -chuckle. We had mighty good weather as a -general thing, and nothing ever happened to us -at all—that night, nor the next, nor the next.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Every night we passed towns, some of them -away up on black hillsides, nothing but just -a shiny bed of lights; not a house could you -see. The fifth night we passed St. Louis, and -it was like the whole world lit up. In St. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_201'>201</span>Petersburg they used to say there was twenty -or thirty thousand people in St. Louis, but I -never believed it till I see that wonderful spread -of lights at two o’clock that still night. There -warn’t a sound there; everybody was asleep.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Every night now I used to slip ashore toward -ten o’clock at some little village, and buy ten -or fifteen cents’ worth of meal or bacon or other -stuff to eat; and sometimes I lifted a chicken -that warn’t roosting comfortable, and took him -along. Pap always said, take a chicken when -you get a chance, because if you don’t want him -yourself you can easy find somebody that does, -and a good deed aint ever forgot. I never see -pap when he didn’t want the chicken himself, -but that is what he used to say, anyway.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Grangerford-Shepherdson Feud</span><a id='r4' /><a href='#f4' class='c014'><sup>[4]</sup></a></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Col. Grangerford was a gentleman, you see. -He was a gentleman all over; and so was his -family. He was well born, as the saying is, and -that’s worth as much in a man as it is in a -horse, so the Widow Douglas said, and nobody -<span class='pageno' id='Page_202'>202</span>ever denied that she was of the first aristocracy -in our town; and pap he always said it, too, -though he warn’t no more quality than a mudcat -himself. Col. Grangerford was very tall -and very slim, and had a darkish-paly complexion, -not a sign of red in it anywheres; he -was clean-shaved every morning all over his -thin face, and he had the thinnest kind of lips, -and the thinnest kind of nostrils, and a high -nose, and heavy eyebrows, and the blackest kind -of eyes, sunk so deep back that they seemed like -they was looking out of caverns at you, as you -may say. His forehead was high, and his hair -was gray and straight and hung to his shoulders. -His hands was long and thin, and every day of -his life he put on a clean shirt and a full suit -from head to foot made out of linen so white -it hurt your eyes to look at it; and on Sundays -he wore a blue tail-coat with brass buttons on -it. He carried a mahogany cane with a silver -head to it. There warn’t no frivolishness about -him, not a bit, and he warn’t ever loud. He -was as kind as he could be—you could feel -that, you know, and so you had confidence. -Sometimes he smiled, and it was good to see; -but when he straightened himself up like a -liberty-pole, and the lightning begun to flicker -out from under his eyebrows, you wanted to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_203'>203</span>climb a tree first, and find out what the matter -was afterwards. He didn’t ever have to tell -anybody to mind their manners—everybody was -always good-mannered where he was. Everybody -loved to have him around, too; he was sunshine -most always—I mean he made it seem like -good weather. When he turned into a cloudbank -it was awful dark for half a minute, and -that was enough; there wouldn’t nothing go -wrong for a week.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When him and the old lady came down in the -morning all the family got up out of their -chairs and give them good day, and didn’t set -down again till <em>they</em> had set down. Then -Tom and Bob went to the sideboard where the -decanter was, and mixed a glass of bitters and -handed it to him, and he held it in his hand -and waited till Tom’s and Bob’s was mixed, -and then they bowed and said, “Our duty to -you, sir, and madam”; and <em>they</em> bowed the least -bit in the world and said thank you, and so -they drank, all three, and Bob and Tom poured -a spoonful of water on the sugar and the mite -of whisky or apple brandy in the bottom of their -tumblers, and give it to me and Buck,<a id='r5' /><a href='#f5' class='c014'><sup>[5]</sup></a> and we -drank to the old people too.</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_204'>204</span>Bob was the oldest and Tom next—tall, -beautiful men with very broad shoulders and -brown faces, and long black hair and black eyes. -They dressed in white linen from head to foot, -like the old gentleman, and wore broad Panama -hats.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Then there was Miss Charlotte; she was -twenty-five, and tall and proud and grand, but -as good as she could be when she warn’t stirred -up; but when she was she had a look that would -make you wilt in your tracks, like her father. -She was beautiful.</p> - -<p class='c010'>So was her sister, Miss Sophia, but it was a -different kind. She was gentle and sweet like -a dove, and she was only twenty.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Each person had their own nigger to wait on -them—Buck too. My nigger had a monstrous -easy time, because I warn’t used to having anybody -do anything for me, but Buck’s was on -the jump most of the time.</p> - -<p class='c010'>This was all there was of the family now, -but there used to be more—three sons; they -got killed; and Emmeline that died.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The old gentleman owned a lot of farms and -over a hundred niggers. Sometimes a stack of -people would come there, horseback, from ten -or fifteen miles around, and stay five or six -days, and have such junketings round about and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_205'>205</span>on the river, and dances and picnics in the woods -daytimes, and balls at the house nights. These -people was mostly kinfolks of the family. The -men brought their guns with them. It was a -handsome lot of quality, I tell you.</p> - -<p class='c010'>There was another clan of aristocracy around -there—five or six families—mostly of the name -of Shepherdson. They was as high-toned and -well born and rich and grand as the tribe of -Grangerfords. The Shepherdsons and Grangerfords -used the same steamboat-landing, which -was about two miles above our house; so sometimes -when I went up there with a lot of our -folks I used to see a lot of the Shepherdsons -there on their fine horses.</p> - -<p class='c010'>One day Buck and me was away out in the -woods hunting, and heard a horse coming. We -was crossing the road. Buck says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Quick! Jump for the woods!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>We done it, and then peeped down the woods -through the leaves. Pretty soon a splendid -young man came galloping down the road, setting -his horse easy and looking like a soldier. He -had his gun across his pommel. I had seen him -before. It was young Harney Shepherdson. I -heard Buck’s gun go off at my ear, and Harney’s -hat tumbled off from his head. He -grabbed his gun and rode straight to the place -<span class='pageno' id='Page_206'>206</span>where we was hid. But we didn’t wait. We -started through the woods on a run. The woods -warn’t thick, so I looked over my shoulder to -dodge the bullet, and twice I seen Harney cover -Buck with his gun; and then he rode away the -way he came—to get his hat, I reckon, but I -couldn’t see. We never stopped running till we -got home. The old gentleman’s eyes blazed a -minute—’twas pleasure, mainly, I judged—then -his face sort of smoothed down, and he says, -kind of gentle:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I don’t like that shooting from behind a -bush. Why didn’t you step into the road, my -boy?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“The Shepherdsons don’t, father. They always -take advantage.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Miss Charlotte she held her head up like a -queen while Buck was telling his tale, and her -nostrils spread and her eyes snapped. The two -young men looked dark, but never said nothing. -Miss Sophia she turned pale, but the color come -back when she found the man warn’t hurt.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Soon as I could get Buck down by the corn-cribs -under the trees by ourselves, I says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Did you want to kill him, Buck?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, I bet I did.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What did he do to you?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Him? He never done nothing to me.”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_207'>207</span>“Well, then, what did you want to kill him -for?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, nothing—only it’s on account of the -feud.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What’s a feud?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, where was you raised? Don’t you -know what a feud is?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Never heard of it before—tell me about it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well,” says Buck, “a feud is this way: A -man has a quarrel with another man, and kills -him; then that other man’s brother kills <em>him</em>; -then the other brothers, on both sides, goes for -one another; then the <em>cousins</em> chip in—and by -and by everybody’s killed off, and there ain’t no -more feud. But it’s kind of slow, and takes a -long time.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Has this one been going on long, Buck?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, I should <em>reckon</em>! It started thirty -year ago, or som’ers along there. There was -trouble ’bout something, and then a lawsuit to -settle it; and the suit went agin one of the men, -and so he up and shot the man that won the -suit—which he would naturally do, of course. -Anybody would.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What was the trouble about, Buck?—land?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I reckon maybe—I don’t know.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, who done the shooting? Was it a -Grangerford or a Shepherdson?”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_208'>208</span>“Laws, how do <em>I</em> know? It was so long ago.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Don’t anybody know?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Oh, yes, pa knows, I reckon, and some of -the other old people; but they don’t know now -what the row was about in the first place.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Has there been many killed, Buck?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes; right smart chance of funerals. But -they don’t always kill. Pa’s got a few buckshot -in him; but he don’t mind it ’cuz he don’t -weigh much, anyway. Bob’s been carved up -some with a bowie, and Tom’s been hurt once or -twice.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Has anybody been killed this year, Buck?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, we got one and they got one. ’Bout -three months ago my cousin Bud, fourteen years -old, was riding through the woods on t’other -side of the river, and didn’t have no weapon -with him, which was blame’ foolishness, and -in a lonesome place he hears a horse a-coming -behind him, and sees old Baldy Shepherdson -a-linkin’ after him with his gun in his hand and -his white hair a-flying in the wind; and ’stead -of jumping off and taking to the brush, Bud -’lowed he could outrun him; so they had it, -nip and tuck, for five mile or more, the old -man a-gaining all the time; so at last Bud seen -it warn’t any use, so he stopped and faced -around so as to have the bullet-holes in front, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_209'>209</span>you know, and the old man he rode up and shot -him down. But he didn’t get much chance to -enjoy his luck, for inside of a week our folks -laid <em>him</em> out.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I reckon that old man a coward, Buck.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I reckon he <em>warn’t</em> a coward. Not by a -blame’ sight. There ain’t a coward amongst -them Shepherdsons—not a one. And there ain’t -no cowards amongst the Grangerfords either. -Why, that old man kep’ up his end in a fight -one day for half an hour against three Grangerfords, -and come out winner. They was all a-horseback; -he lit off of his horse and got behind -a little woodpile, and kep’ his horse before -him to stop the bullets; but the Grangerfords -stayed on their horses and capered around the -old man, and peppered away at him, and he -peppered away at them. Him and his horse -both went home pretty leaky and crippled, but -the Grangerfords had to be <em>fetched</em> home—and -one of ’em was dead, and another died the next -day. No, sir; if a body’s out hunting for cowards -he don’t want to fool away any time -amongst them Shepherdsons becuz they don’t -breed any of that <em>kind</em>.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Next Sunday we all went to church, about -three mile, everybody a-horseback. The men -took their guns along, so did Buck, and kept -<span class='pageno' id='Page_210'>210</span>them between their knees or stood them handy -against the wall. The Shepherdsons done the -same. It was pretty ornery preaching—all about -brotherly love, and such-like tiresomeness; but -everybody said it was a good sermon, and they -all talked it over going home, and had such a -powerful lot to say about faith and good works -and free grace and preforeordestination, and I -don’t know what all, that it did seem to me to -be one of the roughest Sundays I had run across -yet.</p> - -<p class='c010'>About an hour after dinner everybody was -dozing around, some in their chairs and some in -their rooms, and it got to be pretty dull. Buck -and a dog was stretched out on the grass in the -sun sound asleep. I went up to our room, and -judged I would take a nap myself. I found -that sweet Miss Sophia standing in her door, -which was next to ours, and she took me in -her room and shut the door very soft, and asked -me if I liked her, and I said I did; and she -asked me if I would do something for her and -not tell anybody, and I said I would. Then -she said she’d forgot her Testament, and left it -in the seat at church between two other books, -and would I slip out quiet and go there and -fetch it to her, and not say nothing to nobody. -I said I would. So I slid out and slipped off -<span class='pageno' id='Page_211'>211</span>up the road, and there warn’t anybody at the -church, except maybe a hog or two, for there -warn’t any lock on the door, and hogs likes a -puncheon floor in summertime because it’s cool. -If you notice, most folks don’t go to church -only when they’ve got to; but a hog is different.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Says I to myself, something’s up; it ain’t -natural for a girl to be in such a sweat about -a Testament. So I give it a shake, and out -drops a little piece of paper with “<em>Half-past -two</em>” wrote on it with a pencil. I ransacked -it, but couldn’t find anything else. I couldn’t -make anything out of that, so I put the paper -in the book again, and when I got home and -upstairs there was Miss Sophia in her door -waiting for me. She pulled me in and shut the -door; then she looked in the Testament till she -found the paper, and as soon as she read it she -looked glad; and before a body could think she -grabbed me and gave me a squeeze, and said -I was the best boy in the world, and not to -tell anybody. She was mighty red in the face -for a minute, and her eyes lighted up, and it -made her powerful pretty. I was a good deal -astonished, but when I got my breath I asked -her what the paper was about, and she asked -me if I had read it, and I said no, and she -asked me if I could read writing, and I told -<span class='pageno' id='Page_212'>212</span>her “no, only coarse-hand,” and then she said -the paper warn’t anything but a book-mark to -keep her place, and I might go and play now.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I went off down to the river, studying over -this thing, and pretty soon I noticed that my -nigger was following along behind. When we -was out of sight of the house he looked back -and around a second, and then comes a-running -and says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Mars Jawge,<a id='r6' /><a href='#f6' class='c014'><sup>[6]</sup></a> if you’ll come down into de -swamp I’ll show you a whole stack o’ water-moccasins.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Thinks I, that’s mighty curious; he said that -yesterday. He oughter to know a body don’t -love water-moccasins enough to go around hunting -for them. What is he up to, anyway? So -I says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“All right; trot ahead.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I followed a half a mile; then he struck out -over the swamp, and waded ankle-deep as much -as another half-mile. We come to a little flat -piece of land which was dry and very thick -with trees and bushes and vines, and he says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You shove right in dah jist a few steps, Mars -Jawge; Dah’s whah dey is. I’s seed ’m befo’; -I don’t k’yer to see ’em no mo’.”</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_213'>213</span>Then he slopped right along and went away, -and pretty soon the trees hid him. I poked into -the place a ways and come to a little open patch -as big as a bedroom all hung around with vines, -and found a man lying there asleep—and, by -jings, it was my old Jim!</p> - -<p class='c010'>I waked him up, and I reckoned it was going -to be a grand surprise to him to see me again, but -it warn’t. He nearly cried he was so glad, but -he warn’t surprised. Said he swum along behind -me that night, and heard me yell every -time, but dasn’t answer, because he didn’t want -nobody to pick <em>him</em> up and take him into slavery -again. Says he:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I got hurt a little, en couldn’t swim fas’, -so I wuz a considerable ways behine you towards -de las’; when you landed I reck’ned I could ketch -up wid you on de lan’ ’dout havin’ to shout at -you, but when I see dat house I begin to go -slow. I ’uz off too far to hear what dey say to -you—I wuz ’fraid o’ de dogs; but when it ’uz -all quiet ag’in I knowed you’s in de house, so -I struck out for de woods to wait for day. Early -in de mawnin’ some er de niggers come along, -gwyne to de fields, en dey tuk me en showed -me dis place, whah de dogs can’t track me on -accounts o’ de water, end dey brings me truck -<span class='pageno' id='Page_214'>214</span>to eat every night, en tells me how you’s a-gittin’ -along.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why didn’t you tell my Jack to fetch me -here sooner, Jim?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, ’twarn’t no use to ’sturb you, Huck, -tell we could do sumfn—but we’s all right, -now. I ben a buyin’ pots en pans en vittles, as -I got a chanst, en a-patchin’ up de raf’, nights, -when——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“<em>What</em> raft, Jim?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Our ole raf’.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You mean to say our old raft warn’t smashed -all to flinders?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No, she warn’t. She was tore up a good -deal—one en’ of her was; but dey warn’t no -great harm done, on’y our traps was mos’ all -los’. Ef we hadn’ dive’ so deep en swum so -fur under water, en de night hadn’t ben so dark, -en we warn’t so sk’yerd, en ben sich punkin-heads, -as de sayin’ is, we’d a seed de raf’. But -it’s jis’ as well we didn’t, ’kase now she’s all -fixed up ag’in mos’ as good as new, en we’s -got a new lot o’ stuff, in the place o’ what ’uz -los’.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Why, how did you get hold of the raft -again, Jim—did you catch her?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How I gwyne to ketch her en I out in de -woods? No; some er de niggers foun’ her -<span class='pageno' id='Page_215'>215</span>ketched on a snag along heah in de ben’, en dey -hid her in a crick ’mongst de willows, en dey -wuz so much jawin’ ’bout which un ’um she -b’long to de mos’ dat I come to heah ’bout it -pooty soon, so I ups en settles de trouble by -tellin’ ’um she don’t b’long to none uv ’um, -but to you en me; en I ast ’m if dey gwyne to -grab a young white genlman’s propaty, en git -a hid’n for it? Den I gin ’m ten cents apiece, -en dey ’uz mighty well satisfied, en wisht some -mo’ raf’s ’ud come along en make ’m rich ag’in. -Dey’s mighty good to me, dese niggers is, en -whatever I wants ’m to do fur me I doan’ have -to ast ’m twice, honey. Dat Jack’s a good -nigger, en pooty smart.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Yes, he is. He ain’t ever told me you was -here; told me to come, and he’d show me a lot -of water-moccasins. If anything happens <em>he</em> -ain’t mixed up in it. He can say he never seen -us together, and it’ll be the truth.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I don’t want to talk much about the next -day. I reckon I’ll cut it pretty short. I waked -up about dawn, and was a-going to turn over -and go to sleep again when I noticed how still -it was—didn’t seem to be anybody stirring. -That warn’t usual. Next I noticed that Buck -was up and gone. Well, I gets up, a-wondering, -and goes down-stairs—nobody around; everything -<span class='pageno' id='Page_216'>216</span>as still as a mouse. Just the same outside. -Thinks I, what does it mean? Down -by the woodpile I comes across my Jack and -says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What’s it all about?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Says he:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Don’t you know, Mars Jawge?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No,” says I, “I don’t.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, den, Miss Sophia’s run off! ’deed she -has. She run off in de night some time—nobody -don’t know jis when; run off to get married -to dat young Harney Shepherdson, you know—leastways, -so dey ’spec. De fambly foun’ it -out ’bout half an hour ago—maybe a little -mo’—en’ I <em>tell</em> you dey warn’t no time los’. -Sich another hurryin’ up guns en hosses <em>you</em> -never see! De women folks has gone for to -stir up de relations, en ole Mars Saul en de -boys tuck dey guns en rode up de river road -for to try to ketch dat young man en kill him -’fo’ he kin git acrost de river wid Miss Sophia. -I reck’n dey’s gwyne to be mighty rough -times.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Buck went off ’thout waking me up.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Well, I reck’n he <em>did</em>! Dey warn’t gwyne -to mix you up in it. Mars Buck loaded up -his gun en ’lowed he’s gwyne to fetch home a -Shepherdson or bust. Well, dey’ll be plenty -<span class='pageno' id='Page_217'>217</span>un ’m dah, I reck’n, en you bet you he’ll fetch -one ef he gits a chanst.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I took up the river road as hard as I could -put. By and by I begin to hear guns a good -ways off. When I came into sight of the log -store and the woodpile where the steamboats -lands I worked along under the trees and brush -till I got to a good place, and then I clumb -up into the forks of a cottonwood that was out -of reach, and watched. There was a wood-rank -four foot high a little ways in front of the tree, -and first I was going to hide behind that; but -maybe it was luckier I didn’t.</p> - -<p class='c010'>There was four or five men cavorting around -on their horses in the open place before the log -store, cussing and yelling, and trying to get at -a couple of young chaps that was behind the -wood-rank alongside of the steamboat-landing—but they couldn’t come it. Every time one of -them showed himself on the river side of the -woodpile he got shot at. The two boys was -squatting back to back behind the pile, so they -could watch both ways.</p> - -<p class='c010'>By and by the men stopped cavorting around -and yelling. They started riding towards the -store; then up gets one of the boys, draws a -steady bead over the wood-rank, and drops one -of them out of his saddle. All the men jumped -<span class='pageno' id='Page_218'>218</span>off of their horses and grabbed the hurt one and -started to carry him to the store; and that -minute the two boys started on the run. They -got half-way to the tree I was in before the -men noticed. Then the men see them, and -jumped on their horses and took out after them. -They gained on the boys, but it didn’t do no -good, the boys had too good a start; they got to -the woodpile that was in front of my tree, and -slipped in behind it, and so they had the bulge -on the men again. One of the boys was Buck, -and the other was a slim young chap about -nineteen years old.</p> - -<p class='c010'>The men ripped around awhile, and then rode -away. As soon as they was out of sight I sung -out to Buck and told him. He didn’t know -what to make of my voice coming out of the -tree at first. He was awful surprised. He -told me to watch out sharp and let him know -when the men come in sight again; said they -was up to some devilment or other—wouldn’t be -gone long. I wished I was out of that tree, but -I dasn’t come down. Buck begun to cry and -rip, and ’lowed that him and his cousin Joe -(that was the other young chap) would make -up for this day yet. He said his father and his -two brothers was killed, and two or three of -the enemy. Said the Shepherdsons laid for them -<span class='pageno' id='Page_219'>219</span>in ambush. Buck said his father and brothers -ought to waited for their relations—the -Shepherdsons was too strong for them. I asked -him what was become of young Harney and -Miss Sophia. He said they’d got across the -river and was safe. I was glad of that; but the -way Buck did take on because he didn’t manage -to kill Harney that day he shot at him—I -hain’t never heard anything like it.</p> - -<p class='c010'>All of a sudden, bang! bang! bang! goes three -or four guns—the men had slipped around -through the woods and come in from behind -without their horses! The boys jumped for the -river—both of them hurt—and as they swum -down the current the men run along the bank -shooting at them and singing out, “Kill them, -kill them!” It made me so sick I most fell -out of the tree. I ain’t a-going to tell <em>all</em> that -happened—it would make me sick again if I was -to do that. I wished I hadn’t ever come ashore -that night to see such things. I ain’t ever going -to get shut of them—lots of times I dream about -them.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I stayed in the tree till it begun to get dark, -afraid to come down. Sometimes I heard guns -away off in the woods; and twice I seen little -gangs of men gallop past the log store with -guns; so I reckoned the trouble was still a-going -<span class='pageno' id='Page_220'>220</span>on. I was mighty downhearted; so I made up -my mind I wouldn’t ever go anear that house -again, because I reckoned I was to blame, somehow. -I judged that that piece of paper meant -that Miss Sophia was to meet Harney some-wheres -at half-past two, and run off; and I judged -I ought to told her father about that paper and -the curious way she acted, and then maybe he -would ’a’ locked her up, and this awful mess -wouldn’t ever happened.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When I got down out of the tree I crept -along down the river bank a piece, and found -the two bodies laying in the edge of the water, -and tugged at them till I got them ashore; then -I covered up their faces, and got away as quick -as I could. I cried a little when I was covering -up Buck’s face, for he was mighty good to -me.</p> - -<p class='c010'>It was just dark now. I never went near the -house, but struck through the woods and made -for the swamp. Jim warn’t on his island, so -I tramped off in a hurry for the crick, and -crowded through the willows, red-hot to jump -aboard and get out of that awful country. The -raft was gone! My souls, but I was scared! I -couldn’t get my breath for most a minute. Then -I raised a yell. A voice not twenty-five foot -from me, says:</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_221'>221</span>“Good lan’! is dat you, honey? Doan’ make -no noise.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>It was Jim’s voice—nothing ever sounded so -good before. I run along the bank a piece and -got aboard, and Jim he grabbed me and hugged -me, he was so glad to see me. He says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Laws bless you, chile, I ’uz right down sho’ -you’s dead ag’in. Jack’s been heah; he say he -reck’n you’s been shot, kase you didn’t come -home no mo’; so I’s jes’ dis minute a-startin’ -er raf’ down towards de mouf er de crick, so’s -to be all ready for to shove out en leave soon -as Jack comes ag’in en tells me for certain you -<em>is</em> dead. Lawdy, I’s mighty glad to git you -back ag’in, honey.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I says:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“All right—that’s mighty good; they won’t -find me, and they’ll think I’ve been killed, and -floated down the river—there’s something up -there that’ll help them think so—so don’t you -lose no time, Jim, but just shove off for the big -water as fast as ever you can.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I never felt easy till the raft was two mile -below there and out in the middle of the Mississippi. -Then we hung up our signal lantern, and -judged that we was free and safe once more. -I hadn’t had a bite to eat since yesterday, so -<span class='pageno' id='Page_222'>222</span>Jim he got out some corn-dodgers and buttermilk, -and pork and cabbage and greens—there ain’t -nothing in the world so good when it’s cooked -right—and whilst I eat my supper we talked -and had a good time. I was powerful glad to -get away from the feuds, and so was Jim to -get away from the swamp. We said there warn’t -no home like a raft, after all. Other places -do seem so cramped up and smothery, but a -raft don’t. You feel mighty free and easy and -comfortable on a raft.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_223'>223</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR’S COURT” (1886–7)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Meeting the Yankee</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>It was in Warwick Castle that I came across -the curious stranger whom I am going to talk -about. He attracted me by three things: his -candid simplicity, his marvelous familiarity -with ancient armor, and the restfulness of his -company—for he did all the talking. We fell -together, as modest people will, in the tail of -the herd that was being shown through, and -he at once began to say things which interested -me. As he talked along, softly, pleasantly, -flowingly, he seemed to drift away imperceptibly -out of this world and time, and into some remote -era and old forgotten country; and so he gradually -wove such a spell about me that I seemed -to move among the specters and shadows and -dust and mold of a gray antiquity, holding -speech with a relic of it! Exactly as I would -speak of my nearest personal friends or enemies, -or my most familiar neighbors, he spoke of Sir -<span class='pageno' id='Page_224'>224</span>Bedivere, Sir Bors de Ganis, Sir Launcelot of -the Lake, Sir Galahad, and all the other great -names of the Table Round—and how old, old, -unspeakably old and faded and dry and musty -and ancient he came to look as he went on! -Presently he turned to me and said, just as one -might speak of the weather, or any other common -matter—</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You know about transmigration of souls; do -you know about transposition of epochs—and -bodies?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I said I had not heard of it. He was so -little interested—just as when people speak of -the weather—that he did not notice whether I -made him any answer or not. There was half -a moment of silence, immediately interrupted -by the droning voice of the salaried cicerone:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Ancient hauberk, date of the sixth century, -time of King Arthur and the Round Table; -said to have belonged to the knight Sir Sagramor -le Desirous; observe the round hole through -the chain-mail in the left breast; can’t be accounted -for; supposed to have been done with -a bullet since invention of firearms—perhaps -maliciously by Cromwell’s soldiers.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>My acquaintance smiled—not a modern -smile, but one that must have gone out of general -<span class='pageno' id='Page_225'>225</span>use many, many centuries ago—and muttered, -apparently to himself:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Wit ye well, <em>I saw it done</em>.” Then, after a -pause, added: “I did it myself.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>By the time I had recovered from the electric -surprise of this remark, he was gone.</p> - -<p class='c010'>All that evening I sat by my fire at the Warwick -Arms, steeped in a dream of the olden -time, while the rain beat upon the windows, and -the wind roared about the eaves and corners. -From time to time I dipped into old Sir Thomas -Malory’s enchanting book, and fed at its rich -feast of prodigies and adventures, breathed in the -fragrance of its obsolete names, and dreamed -again.</p> - -<p class='c010'>As I laid the book down there was a knock -at the door, and my stranger came in. I gave -him a pipe and a chair, and made him welcome. -I also comforted him with a hot Scotch whisky; -gave him another one; then still another—hoping -always for his story. After a fourth persuader, -he drifted into it himself, in a quite simple and -natural way:</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Stranger’s History</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I am an American. I was born and reared -in Hartford, in the State of Connecticut—anyway, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_226'>226</span>just over the river, in the country. So I -am a Yankee of the Yankees—and practical, -yes, and nearly barren of sentiment, I suppose—or -poetry, in other words. My father was -a blacksmith, my uncle was a horse doctor, and -I was both, along at first. Then I went over -to the great arms factory and learned my real -trade; learned all there was to it; learned to -make everything: guns, revolvers, cannon, boilers, -engines, all sorts of labor-saving machinery. -Why, I could make anything a body wanted—anything -in the world, it didn’t make any difference -what; and if there wasn’t any quick -new-fangled way to make a thing, I could invent -one—and do it as easy as rolling off a -log. I became head superintendent; had a -couple of thousand men under me.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Well, a man like that is a man that is full of -fight—that goes without saying. With a couple -of thousand men under one, one has plenty of -that sort of amusement. I had, anyway. At -last I met my match, and I got my dose. It -was during a misunderstanding conducted with -crowbars with a fellow we used to call Hercules. -He laid me out with a crusher alongside the -head that made everything crack, and seemed -to spring every joint in my skull and make it -overlap its neighbor. Then the world went out -<span class='pageno' id='Page_227'>227</span>in darkness, and I didn’t feel anything more, -and didn’t know anything at all—at least for a -while.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When I came to again, I was sitting under -an oak tree, on the grass, with a whole beautiful -and broad country landscape all to myself—nearly. -Not entirely; for there was a fellow -on a horse, looking down at me—a fellow fresh -out of a picture-book. He was in old-time iron -armor from head to heel, with a helmet on his -head the shape of a nail-keg with slits in it; -and he had a shield, and a sword, and a -prodigious spear; and his horse had armor on, -too, and a steel horn projecting from his forehead, -and gorgeous red and green silk trappings -that hung down all around him like a bedquilt, -nearly to the ground.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Fair sir, will ye just?” said this fellow.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Will I which?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Will ye try a passage of arms for land or -lady or for——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What are you giving me?” I said. “Get -along back to your circus, or I’ll report you.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now what does this man do but fall back -a couple of hundred yards and then come rushing -at me as hard as he could tear, with his -nail-keg bent down nearly to his horse’s neck -and his long spear pointed straight ahead. I -<span class='pageno' id='Page_228'>228</span>saw he meant business, so I was up the tree when -he arrived.</p> - -<p class='c010'>He allowed that I was his property, the captive -of his spear. There was argument on his -side—and the bulk of the advantage—so I -judged it best to humor him. We fixed up an -agreement whereby I was to go with him and -he was not to hurt me. I came down, and we -started away, I walking by the side of his horse. -We marched comfortably along, through glades -and over brooks which I could not remember to -have seen before—which puzzled me and made -me wonder—and yet we did not come to any -circus or sign of a circus. So I gave up the -idea of a circus, and concluded he was from an -asylum. But we never came to an asylum—so -I was up a stump, as you may say. I asked -him how far we were from Hartford. He said -he had never heard of the place; which I took to -be a lie, but allowed it to go at that. At the -end of an hour we saw a far-away town sleeping -in a valley by a winding river; and beyond -it on a hill, a vast gray fortress, with towers -and turrets, the first I had ever seen out of -a picture.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Bridgeport,” said I, pointing.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Camelot,” said he.</p> - -<p class='c010'>My stranger had been showing signs of sleepiness. -<span class='pageno' id='Page_229'>229</span>He caught himself nodding, now, and -smiled one of those pathetic, obsolete smiles of -his, and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I find I can’t go on; but come with me, -I’ve got it all written out, and you can read it, -if you like.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>In his chamber, he said: “First, I kept a -journal; then by and by, after years, I took -the journal and turned it into a book. How -long ago that was!”</p> - -<p class='c010'>He handed me his manuscript, and pointed out -the place where I should begin:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Begin here—I’ve already told you what goes -before.” He was steeped in drowsiness by this -time. As I went out at his door I heard him -murmur sleepily: “Give you good den, fair sir.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I sat down by my fire and examined my treasure. -The first part of it—the great bulk of it—was -parchment, and yellow with age. I scanned -a leaf particularly and saw that it was a palimpsest. -Under the old dim writing of the Yankee -historian appeared traces of a penmanship which -was older and dimmer still—Latin words and -sentences: fragments from old monkish legends, -evidently. I turned to the place indicated by -my stranger and began to read.</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_230'>230</span> - <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Round Table</span><a id='r7' /><a href='#f7' class='c014'><sup>[7]</sup></a></h3> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>In the middle of this groined and vaulted -public square was an oaken table which was -called the Table Round. It was as large as -a circus ring; and around it sat a great company -of men dressed in such various and splendid -colors that it hurt one’s eyes to look at them. -They wore their plumed hats, right along, except -that whenever one addressed himself directly -to the king, he lifted his hat a trifle just -as he was beginning his remark.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Mainly they were drinking—from entire ox -horns; but a few were still munching bread or -gnawing beef bones. There was about an average -of two dogs to one man; and these sat in -expectant attitudes till a spent bone was flung -to them, and then they went for it by brigades -and divisions, with a rush, and there ensued a -fight which filled the prospect with a tumultuous -chaos of plunging heads and bodies and flashing -tails, and the storm of howlings and barkings -deafened all speech for the time; but that was -no matter, for the dog-fight was always a bigger -interest anyway; the men rose, sometimes, to observe -it the better and bet on it, and the ladies -and the musicians stretched themselves out over -<span class='pageno' id='Page_231'>231</span>their balusters with the same object; and all -broke into delighted ejaculation, from time to -time. In the end, the winning dog stretched -himself out comfortably with his bone between -his paws, and proceeded to growl over it, and -gnaw it, and grease the floor with it, just as -fifty others were already doing; and the rest -of the court resumed their previous industries -and entertainments.</p> - -<p class='c010'>As a rule, the speech and behavior of these -people were gracious and courtly; and I noticed -that they were good and serious listeners when -anybody was telling anything—I mean in a dog-fightless -interval. And plainly, too, they were -a childlike and innocent lot; telling lies of the -stateliest pattern with a most gentle and winning -naiveté, and ready and willing to listen -to anybody else’s lie, and believe it, too. It -was hard to associate them with anything cruel -or dreadful; and yet they dealt in tales of blood -and suffering with a guileless relish that made -me almost forget to shudder.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Mainly the Round Table talk was monologues—narrative -accounts of the adventures in which -these prisoners were captured and their friends -and backers killed and stripped of their steeds -and armor. As a general thing—as far as I -could make out—these murderous adventures -<span class='pageno' id='Page_232'>232</span>were not forays undertaken to avenge injuries, -nor to settle old disputes or sudden fallings out; -no, as a rule they were simple duels between -strangers—duels between people who had never -even been introduced to each other, and between -whom existed no cause of offense whatever. -Many a time I had seen a couple of boys, strangers, -meet by chance, and say simultaneously, “I -can lick you,” and go at it on the spot; but I -had always imagined until now that that sort -of thing belonged to children only, and was a -sign and mark of childhood; but here were these -big boobies sticking to it and taking pride in it -clear up into full age, and beyond. Yet there -was something very engaging about these great -simple-hearted creatures, something attractive -and lovable. There did not seem to be brains -enough in the entire nursery, so to speak, to -bait a fish-hook with; but you didn’t seem to -mind that; after a little, you soon saw that -brains were not needed in a society like that, -and indeed would have marred it, spoiled its -symmetry—perhaps rendered its existence impossible.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Yankee Reflects</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Why, dear me, <em>any</em> kind of royalty, howsoever -modified, <em>any</em> kind of aristocracy, howsoever -pruned, is rightly an insult; but if you -<span class='pageno' id='Page_233'>233</span>are born and brought up under that sort of -arrangement you probably never find it out for -yourself, and don’t believe it when somebody -else tells you. It is enough to make a body -ashamed of his race to think of the sort of -froth that has always occupied its thrones without -shadow of right or reason, and the seventh-rate -people that have always figured as its aristocracies—a -company of monarchs and nobles who, -as a rule, would have achieved only poverty and -obscurity if left, like their betters, to their own -exertions.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Perfect Government</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The despotism of heaven is the one absolutely -perfect government. An earthly despotism -would be the absolutely perfect earthly government, -if the conditions were the same, namely, -the despot the perfectest individual of the human -race, and his lease of life perpetual. But as a -perishable perfect man must die, and leave his -despotism in the hands of an imperfect successor, -an earthly despotism is not merely a bad -form of government, it is the worst form that is -possible.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Maids in Distress</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>There never was such a country for wandering -liars; and they were of both sexes. Hardly -<span class='pageno' id='Page_234'>234</span>a month went by without one of these tramps -arriving; and generally loaded with a tale about -some princess or other wanting help to get her -out of some far-away castle where she was held -in captivity by a lawless scoundrel, usually a -giant. Now you would think that the first -thing the king would do after listening to such -a novelette from an entire stranger, would be to -ask for credentials—yes, and a pointer or two as -to locality of castle, best route to it, and so on. -But nobody ever thought of so simple and common-sense -a thing as that. No, everybody -swallowed these people’s lies whole, and never -asked a question of any sort or about anything. -Well, one day when I was not around, one of -these people came along—it was a she one, this -time—and told a tale of the usual pattern. Her -mistress was a captive in a vast and gloomy -castle, along with forty-four other young and -beautiful girls, pretty much all of them princesses; -they had been languishing in that cruel -captivity for twenty-six years; the masters of -the castle were three stupendous brothers, each -with four arms and one eye—the eye in the -center of the forehead, and as big as a fruit. -Sort of fruit not mentioned; their usual slovenliness -in statistics.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Would you believe it? The king and the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_235'>235</span>whole Round Table were in raptures over this -preposterous opportunity for adventure. Every -knight of the Table jumped for the chance, and -begged for it; but to their vexation and chagrin -the king conferred it upon me, who had not -asked for it at all.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>A Knight’s Average</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>If knights errant were to be believed, not all -castles were desirable places to seek hospitality in. -As a matter of fact, knights errant were <em>not</em> -persons to be believed—that is, measured by modern -standards of veracity; yet, measured by the -standards of their own time, and scaled accordingly, -you got the truth. It was very simple: -you discounted a statement ninety-seven per -cent.; the rest was fact.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Sixth Century Kingdoms</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>“Kings” and “Kingdoms” were as thick in -Britain as they had been in little Palestine in -Joshua’s time, when people had to sleep with -their knees pulled up because they couldn’t -stretch out without a passport.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Nature</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Training—training is everything; training is -all there is <em>to</em> a person. We speak of nature; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_236'>236</span>what we call by that misleading name is -heredity and training. We have no thoughts -of our own, no opinions of our own; they are -transmitted to us, trained into us. All that is -original in us, and therefore fairly creditable -or discreditable to us, can be covered up and -hidden by the point of a cambric needle, all the -rest being atoms contributed by, and inherited -from, a procession of ancestors that stretches -back a billion years to the Adam-clam or grasshopper -or monkey from whom our race has been -so tediously and ostentatiously and unprofitably -developed.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Conscience</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>If I had the remaking of man, he wouldn’t -have any conscience. It is one of the most disagreeable -things connected with a person; and -although it certainly does a great deal of good, -it cannot be said to pay, in the long run; it -would be much better to have less good and -more comfort. Still, this is only my opinion, and -I am only one man; others, with less experience, -may think differently. They have a right to -their views. I only stand to this; I have noticed -my conscience for many years, and I know -it is more trouble and bother to me than anything -else I started with. I suppose that in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_237'>237</span>the beginning I prized it, because we prize anything -that is ours; and yet how foolish it was -to think so. If we look at it in another way -we see how absurd it is: if I had an anvil in -me would I prize it? Of course not. And yet -when you come to think, there is no real difference -between a conscience and an anvil—I -mean for comfort. I have noticed it a thousand -times. And you could dissolve an anvil -with acids, when you couldn’t stand it any -longer; but there isn’t any way that you can -work off a conscience—at least, so it will stay -worked off; not that I know of, anyway.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The German Tongue</span><a id='r8' /><a href='#f8' class='c014'><sup>[8]</sup></a></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I was gradually coming to have a mysterious -and shuddery reverence for this girl; nowadays -whenever she pulled out from the station and -got her train fairly started on one of those -horizonless transcontinental sentences of hers, -it was borne in upon me that I was standing in -the awful presence of the Mother of the German -Language. I was so impressed with this, -that sometimes when she began to empty one of -these sentences on me I unconsciously took the -very attitude of reverence, and stood uncovered; -<span class='pageno' id='Page_238'>238</span>and if words had been water, I had been drowned, -sure. She had exactly the German way; whatever -was in her mind to be delivered, whether a -mere remark, or a sermon, or a cyclopædia, or -the history of a war, she would get it into a -single sentence or die. Whenever the literary -German dives into a sentence, that is the last you -are going to see of him till he emerges on the -other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his -mouth.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Government by the People</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>There is a phrase which has grown so common -in the world’s mouth that it has come to -seem to have sense and meaning—the sense and -meaning implied when it is used; that is the -phrase which refers to this or that or the other -nation as possibly being “capable of self-government”; -and the implied sense of it is, that there -has been a nation somewhere, some time or other -which <em>wasn’t</em> capable of it—wasn’t as able to -govern itself as some self-appointed specialists -were, or would be, to govern it. The master -minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung in -affluent multitude from the mass of the nation, -and from the mass of the nation only—not from -its privileged classes; and so, no matter what -the nation’s intellectual grade was, whether high -<span class='pageno' id='Page_239'>239</span>or low, the bulk of its ability was in the long -ranks of its nameless and its poor, and so it -never saw the day that it had not the material -in abundance whereby to govern itself. Which -is to assert an always self-proven fact; that -even the best governed and most free and most -enlightened monarchy is still behind the best -condition attainable by its people; and that the -same is true of kindred governments of lower -grades, all the way down to the lowest.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Prophecy</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>A prophet doesn’t have to have any brains. -They are good to have, of course, for the ordinary -exigencies of life, but they are of no use -in professional work. It is the restfullest vocation -there is. When the spirit of prophecy -comes upon you, you merely take your intellect -and lay it off in a cool place for a rest, and -unship your jaw and leave it alone; it will -work itself: the result is prophecy.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Hard Work</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Words realize nothing, vivify nothing to you, -unless you have suffered in your own person the -thing which the words try to describe. There -<span class='pageno' id='Page_240'>240</span>are wise people who talk ever so knowingly and -complacently about “the working classes,” and -satisfy themselves that a day’s hard intellectual -work is very much harder than a day’s hard -manual toil, and is righteously entitled to much -bigger pay. Why, they really think that, you -know, because they know all about the one, but -haven’t tried the other. But I know all about -both; and so far as I am concerned, there isn’t -money enough in the universe to hire me to -swing a pick-axe thirty days, but I will do the -hardest kind of intellectual work for just as -near nothing as you can cipher it down—and -I will be satisfied, too.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Still Hope</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Yes, there is plenty good enough material for -a republic in the most degraded people that ever -existed—even the Russians; plenty of manhood in -them—even in the Germans—if one could but -force it out of its timid and suspicious privacy, -to overthrow and trample in the mud any throne -that ever was set up and any nobility that ever -supported it.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Human Race</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Toward the shaven monk who trudged along -with his cowl tilted back and the sweat washing -<span class='pageno' id='Page_241'>241</span>down his fat jowls, the coal-burner was deeply -reverent; to the gentleman he was abject; with -the small farmer and the free mechanic he was -cordial and gossipy; and when a slave passed -by with a countenance respectfully lowered, this -chap’s nose was in the air—he couldn’t even -see him. Well, there are times when one would -like to hang the whole human race and finish -the farce.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The King in Slavery</span><a id='r9' /><a href='#f9' class='c014'><sup>[9]</sup></a></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We had a rough time for a month, tramping -to and fro in the earth, and suffering. And -what Englishman was the most interested in the -slavery question by that time? His grace, the -king! Yes; from being the most indifferent, he -was become the most interested. He was become -the bitterest hater of the institution I had ever -heard talk....</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now and then we had an adventure. One -night we were overtaken by a snow-storm while -still a mile from the village we were making for. -Almost instantly we were shut up as in a fog, -the driving snow was so thick. You couldn’t -see a thing, and we were soon lost. The slave-driver -lashed us desperately, for he saw ruin -<span class='pageno' id='Page_242'>242</span>before him, but his lashings only made matters -worse, for they drove us further from the road -and from likelihood of succor. So we had to -stop at last and slump down in the snow where -we were. The storm continued until toward -midnight, then ceased. By this time two of our -feebler men and three of our women were dead, -and others past moving and threatened with -death. Our master was nearly beside himself. -He stirred up the living and made us stand, -jump, slap ourselves, to restore our circulation, -and he helped as well as he could with his -whip.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now came a diversion. We heard shrieks -and yells, and soon a woman came running and -crying; and seeing our group, she flung herself -into our midst and begged for protection. -A mob of people came tearing after her, some -with torches, and they said she was a witch who -had caused several cows to die by a strange disease, -and practiced her arts by help of a devil -in the form of a black cat. This poor woman -had been stoned until she hardly looked human, -she was so battered and bloody. The mob -wanted to burn her.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Well, now, what do you suppose our master -did? When we closed around this poor creature -to shelter her, he saw his chance. He said, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_243'>243</span>burn her here, or they shouldn’t have her at all. -Imagine that! They were willing. They fastened -her to a post; they brought wood and piled -it about her; they applied the torch, while she -shrieked and pleaded and strained her two young -daughters to her breast; and our brute, with a -heart solely for business, lashed us into position -about the stake and warmed us into life and -commercial value by the same fire which took -away the innocent life of that poor harmless -mother. That was the sort of master we had. -I took <em>his</em> number. That snow-storm cost him -nine of his flock; and he was more brutal to -us than ever, after that, for many days together, -he was so enraged over his loss.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_244'>244</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “RAMBLING NOTES OF AN IDLE EXCURSION” (1877)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>What We Saw in Bermuda</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We saw no bugs or reptiles to speak of, and so -I was thinking of saying in print in a general -way, that there were none at all; but one night -after I had gone to bed, the Reverend came into -my room carrying something, and asked, “Is this -your boot?” I said it was, and he said he had -met a spider going off with it. Next morning -he stated that just at dawn the same spider -raised his window and was coming in to get his -shirt, but saw him and fled.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I inquired, “Did he get the shirt?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“No.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“How did you know it was a shirt he was -after?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I could see it in his eyes.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>We inquired around, but could hear of no Bermudian -spider capable of doing these things. -Citizens said that their largest spiders could not -more than spread their legs over an ordinary -<span class='pageno' id='Page_245'>245</span>saucer, and that they had always been considered -honest. Here was testimony of a clergyman -against the testimony of mere worldlings—interested -ones, too. On the whole, I judged -it best to lock up my things.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Here and there on the country roads we found -lemon, papaw, orange, lime, and fig-trees; also -several sorts of palms, among them the cocoa, -the date, and the palmetto. We saw some bamboos -forty feet high, with stems as thick as a -man’s arm. Jungles of the mangrove-tree stood -up out of swamps, propped on their interlacing -roots, as upon a tangle of stilts. In dryer places -the noble tamarind sent down its grateful cloud -of shade. Here and there the blossomy tamarisk -adorned the roadside. There was a curious -gnarled and twisted black tree, without a -single leaf on it. It might have passed itself -off for a dead apple tree but for the fact that -it had a star-like, red-hot flower sprinkled -sparsely over its person. It had the scattery red -glow that a constellation might have when -glimpsed through smoked glass....</p> - -<p class='c010'>We saw a tree that bears grapes, and just as -calmly and unostentatiously as a vine would do -it. We saw an india-rubber-tree, but out of season, -possibly, so there were no shoes on it, nor -suspenders, nor anything that a person would -<span class='pageno' id='Page_246'>246</span>properly expect to find there. This gave it an -impressively fraudulent look. There was exactly -one mahogany tree on the island. I know -this to be reliable, because I saw a man who -said he had counted it many a time and could -not be mistaken. He was a man with a harelip -and a pure heart, and everybody said he was as -true as steel. Such men are all too few.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_247'>247</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “PUDD’NHEAD WILSON’S CALENDAR” (1892–3)</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c009'>Tell the truth or trump—but get the trick.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Adam was but human—this explains it all. -He did not want the apple for the apple’s sake, -he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The -mistake was in not forbidding the serpent. Then -he would have eaten the serpent.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Whosoever has lived long enough to find out -what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude -we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of -our race. He brought death into the world.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Adam and Eve had many advantages, but -the principal one was, that they escaped teething.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There is this trouble about special providences—namely, -there is so often a doubt as to which -<span class='pageno' id='Page_248'>248</span>party was intended to be the beneficiary. In -the case of the children, the bears, and the -prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out -of the episode than the prophet did, because -they got the children.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Training is everything. The peach was once -a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage -with a college education.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Remarks of Dr. Baldwin’s, concerning upstarts: -We don’t care to eat toadstools that -think they are truffles.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Let us endeavor so to live that when we -come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of -the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs -a step at a time.</p> - -<p class='c009'>One of the most striking differences between -a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet -and steady and loyal and enduring a nature -that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not -asked to lend money.</p> - -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_249'>249</span>Consider well the proportions of things. It -is better to be a young junebug than an old -bird of paradise.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Why is it that we rejoice at birth and grieve -at a funeral? It is because we are not the -person involved.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. -There was once a man who, not being -able to find any other fault with his coal, complained -that there were too many prehistoric -toads in it.</p> - -<p class='c009'>All say, “How hard it is that we have to -die”—a strange complaint to come from the -mouths of people who have had to live.</p> - -<p class='c009'>When angry, count four; when very angry, -swear.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There are three infallible ways of pleasing an -author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: -1, to tell him you have read one of -his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of -his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the -manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits -you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to -his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his -heart.</p> - -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_250'>250</span>As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike -it out.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not -absence of fear. Except a creature be -part coward it is not a compliment to say it is -brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the -word. Consider the flea!—incomparably the -bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance -of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep -or awake he will attack you, caring nothing -for the fact that in bulk and strength you are -to him as are the massed armies of the earth -to a sucking child; he lives both day and night -and all days and nights in the very lap of peril -and the immediate presence of death, and yet -is no more afraid than is the man who walks -the streets of a city that was threatened by an -earthquake ten centuries before. When we -speak of Clive, Nelson and Putman as men who -“didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always -to add the flea—and put him at the head of the -procession.</p> - -<p class='c009'>When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable -people who I know have gone to a better -world, I am moved to lead a different life.</p> - -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_251'>251</span>October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous -months to speculate in stocks in. The -others are July, January, September, April, November, -May, March, June, December, August, -and February.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The true Southern watermelon is a boon -apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner -things. It is chief of this world’s luxuries, king -by the grace of God over all the fruits of the -earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what -the angels eat. It was not a southern watermelon -that Eve took: we know it because she -repented.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s -habits.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine -eggs in the one basket”—which is but a manner -of saying, “Scatter your money and your -attention”; but the wise man saith, “Put all your -eggs in the one basket and—<em>watch that basket</em>.”</p> - -<p class='c009'>If you pick up a starving dog and make him -prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the -principal difference between a dog and a man.</p> - -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_252'>252</span>We know all about the habits of the ant, -we know all about the habits of the bee, but -we know nothing at all about the habits of the -oyster. It seems almost certain that we have -been choosing the wrong time for studying the -oyster.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, -along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo -died; but by and by you only regret -that you didn’t see him do it.</p> - -<p class='c009'><em>July 4.</em> Statistics show that we lose more fools -on this day than on all the other days of the year -put together. This proves, by the number left -in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is -now inadequate, the country has grown so.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Thanksgiving Day. Let all give humble, -hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. -In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; -they use plumbers. It does not become you and -me to sneer at Fiji.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Few things are harder to put up with than -the annoyance of a good example.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It were not best that we should all think -alike; it is difference of opinion that makes -horse races.</p> - -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_253'>253</span>Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial -evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, -and therefore ought to be received with great -caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened -by any woman: if you have witnesses, you will -find she did it with a knife; but if you take -simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say -she did it with her teeth.</p> - -<p class='c009'><em>April 1.</em> This the day upon which we are -reminded of what we are on the other three -hundred and sixty-four.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It is often the case that the man who can’t -tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.</p> - -<p class='c009'>October 12, the <em>Discovery</em>. It was wonderful -to find America, but it would have been more -wonderful to miss it.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_254'>254</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE PRIVATE HISTORY OF A CAMPAIGN THAT FAILED” (1885)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Marion Rangers</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>You have heard from a great many people -who did something in the war; is it not fair and -right that you listen a little moment to one who -started out to do something in it, but didn’t? -Thousands entered the war, got just a taste of -it, and then stepped out again permanently....</p> - -<p class='c010'>In that summer—of 1861—the first wash of -the wave of war broke upon the shores of Missouri. -Our state was invaded by the Union -forces. They took possession of St. Louis, Jefferson -Barracks, and some other points. The -Governor, Calib Jackson, issued his proclamation -calling out fifty thousand militia to repel -the invader.</p> - -<p class='c010'>I was visiting in the small town where my -boyhood had been spent—Hannibal, Marion -County. Several of us got together in a secret -place by night and formed ourselves into a military -company. One Tom Lyman, a young fellow -<span class='pageno' id='Page_255'>255</span>of a good deal of spirit but of no military -experience, was made captain; I was made second -lieutenant. We had no first lieutenant; I -do not know why; it was long ago. There were -fifteen of us. By the advice of an innocent connected -with the organization we called ourselves -the Marion Rangers. I do not remember that -any one found fault with the name. I did not; -I thought it sounded quite well. The young -fellow who proposed this title was perhaps a -fair sample of the kind of stuff we were made -of. He was young, ignorant, good-natured, -well-meaning, trivial, full of romance, and given -to reading chivalric novels and singing forlorn -love ditties. He had some pathetic little nickel-plated -aristocratic instincts, and detested his -name, which was Dunlap; detested it partly because -it was nearly as common in that region -as Smith, but mainly because it had a plebeian -sound to his ear. So he tried to ennoble it by -writing it in this way: <em>d’Unlap</em>. That contented -his eye, but left his ear unsatisfied, for -people gave the new name the same old pronunciation—emphasis -on the front end of it. He -then did the bravest thing that can be imagined—a -thing to make one shiver when one -remembers how the world is given to resenting -shams and affectations; he began to write his -<span class='pageno' id='Page_256'>256</span>name so: <em>d’Un Lap</em>. And he waited patiently -through the long storm of mud that was flung -at this work of art, and he had his reward at -last; for he lived to see that name accepted, and -the emphasis put where he wanted it by people -who had known him all his life, and to whom -the tribe of Dunlaps had been as familiar as -the rain and sunshine for forty years. So sure -of victory at last is the courage that can wait. -He said he had found, by consulting some -ancient French chronicles, that the name was -rightly and originally written d’Un Lap; and -said that if it were translated into English it -would mean Peterson: <em>Lap</em>, Latin or Greek, he -said, for stone or rock, same as the French -<em>pierre</em>, that is to say Peter; <em>d’</em> of or from; <em>un</em>, -a or one; hence, d’Un Lap, of or from a -stone or a Peter; that is to say, one who is the -son of a stone, the son of a Peter—Peterson. -Our militia company were not learned, and the -explanation confused them; so they called him -Peterson Dunlap. He proved useful to us in -his way; he named our camps for us, and he -generally struck a name that was “no slouch,” -as the boys said.</p> - -<p class='c010'>That is one sample of us. Another was Ed -Stevens, son of the town jeweler—trim built, -handsome, graceful, neat as a cat; bright, educated, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_257'>257</span>but given over entirely to fun. There -was nothing serious in life to him. As far as -he was concerned, this military expedition of -ours was simply a holiday. I should say that -about half of us looked upon it in the same way; -not consciously perhaps, but unconsciously. We -did not think; we were not capable of it. As -for myself, I was full of unreasoning joy to be -done with turning out of bed at midnight and -four in the morning for a while; grateful to -have a change, new scenes, new occupations, a -new interest. In my thoughts that was as far -as I went; I did not go into the details; as a -rule, one doesn’t at twenty-four.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Another sample was Smith, the blacksmith’s -apprentice. This vast donkey had some pluck, -of a slow and sluggish nature, but a soft heart; -at one time he would knock a horse down for -some impropriety, and at another he would get -homesick and cry. However, he had one ultimate -credit to his account which some of us -hadn’t; he stuck to the war, and was killed in -battle at last.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Jo Bowers, another sample, was a huge, good-natured, -flax-headed lubber; lazy, sentimental, -full of harmless brag, a grumbler by nature; -an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often -quite picturesque liar, and yet not a successful -<span class='pageno' id='Page_258'>258</span>one, for he had had no intelligent training, but -was allowed to come up just anyway. This life -was serious enough to him, and seldom satisfactory. -But he was a good fellow, anyway, and -the boys all liked him. He was made orderly -sergeant; Stevens was made corporal.</p> - -<p class='c010'>These samples will answer—and they are -quite fair ones. Well, this herd of cattle started -for the war. What could you expect of them? -They did as well as they knew how; but really -what was justly to be expected of them? Nothing, -I should say. That is what they did....</p> - -<p class='c010'>For a time life was idly delicious, it was perfect; -there was nothing to mar it. Then came -some farmers with an alarm one day. They said -it was rumored that the enemy were advancing -in our direction from over Hyde’s Prairie. The -result was a sharp stir among us and general -consternation. It was a rude awakening from -our pleasant trance. The rumor was but a -rumor—nothing definite about it; so, in the confusion, -we did not know which way to retreat. -Lyman was for not retreating at all, in these -uncertain circumstances; but he found that if -he tried to maintain that attitude he would -fare badly, for the command were in no humor -to put up with insubordination. So he yielded -the point and called a council of war—to consist -<span class='pageno' id='Page_259'>259</span>of himself and the three other officers; but -the privates made such a fuss about being left -out that we had to allow them to remain, for they -were already present, and doing the most of the -talking, too. The question was, which way to -retreat; but all were so flurried that nobody -seemed to have even a guess to offer. Except -Lyman. He explained in a few calm words -that, inasmuch as the enemy was approaching -from over Hyde’s Prairie, our course was simple; -all we had to do was not to retreat <em>towards</em> -him; any other direction would answer our -needs perfectly. Everybody saw in a moment -how true this was, and how wise; so Lyman -got a great many compliments. It was now -decided that we should fall back on Mason’s -farm.</p> - -<p class='c010'>It was after dark by this time, and as we -could not know how soon the enemy might arrive, -it did not seem best to try to take the -horses and things with us; so we only took the -guns and ammunition, and started at once.</p> - -<p class='c010'>We heard a sound, and held our breath and -listened, and it seemed to be the enemy coming, -though it could have been a cow, for it had a -cough like a cow; but we did not wait, but -left a couple of guns behind and struck out for -Mason’s again, as briskly as we could scramble -<span class='pageno' id='Page_260'>260</span>along in the dark. But we got lost presently -among the rugged little ravines, and wasted a -deal of time finding the way again, so it was -after nine o’clock when we reached Mason’s -stile at last; and then before we could open -our mouths to give the countersign several dogs -came bounding over the fence, with great riot -and noise, and each of them took a soldier by the -slack of his trousers and began to back away -with him. We could not shoot the dogs without -endangering the persons they were attached -to; so we had to look on helplessly, at what was -perhaps the most mortifying spectacle of the Civil -War. There was light enough, and to spare, -for the Masons had now run out on the porch -with candles in their hands. The old man and -his son came and undid the dogs without difficulty, -all but Bowers’s; but they couldn’t undo -his dog, they didn’t know his combination; he -was of the bull kind, and seemed to be set with -a Yale time-lock; but they got him loose at last -with some scalding water, of which Bowers got -his share and returned thanks.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_261'>261</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS OF JOAN OF ARC”</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Joan</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned -man’s character one must judge it by the standards -of his time, not ours. Judged by the -standards of one century, the noblest characters -of an earlier one lose much of their luster; judged -by the standards of to-day, there is probably -no illustrious man of four or five centuries ago -whose character could meet the test at all points. -But the character of Joan of Arc is unique. -It can be measured by the standards of all -times without misgiving or apprehension as to -the result. Judged by any of them, judged by -all of them, it is still flawless, it is still ideally -perfect; it still occupies the loftiest place possible -to human attainment, a loftier one than has -been reached by any other mere mortal.</p> - -<p class='c010'>When we reflect that her century was the -brutalest, the wickedest, the rottenest in history -since the darkest ages, we are lost in wonder -<span class='pageno' id='Page_262'>262</span>at the miracle of such a product from such a -soil. The contrast between her and her century -is the contrast between day and night. -She was truthful when lying was the common -speech of men; she was honest when honesty -was become a lost virtue; she was a keeper of -promises when the keeping of a promise was expected -of no one; she gave her great mind to -great thoughts and great purposes when other -great minds wasted themselves upon pretty -fancies or upon poor ambitions; she was modest, -and fine, and delicate, when to be loud and -coarse might be said to be universal; she was -full of pity when a merciless cruelty was the -rule; she was steadfast when stability was unknown, -and honorable in an age which had -forgotten what honor was; she was a rock of -convictions in a time when men believed in nothing -and scoffed at all things; she was unfailingly -true in an age that was false to the core; -she maintained her personal dignity unimpaired -in an age of fawnings and servilities; she was -of a dauntless courage when hope and courage -had perished in the hearts of her nation; she -was spotlessly pure in mind and body when -society in the highest places was foul in both—she -was all these things in an age when crime -was the common business of lords and princes, -<span class='pageno' id='Page_263'>263</span>and when the highest personages in Christendom -were able to astonish even that infamous -era and make it stand aghast at the spectacle -of their atrocious lives black with unimaginable -treacheries, butcheries, and bestialities.</p> - -<p class='c010'>She was perhaps the only entirely unselfish -person whose name has a place in profane history. -No vestige or suggestion of self-seeking -can be found in any word or deed of hers. -When she had rescued her king from his vagabondage, -and set his crown upon his head she -was offered rewards and honors, but she refused -them all, and would take nothing. All she -would take for herself—if the king would grant -it—was leave to go back to her village home, -and tend her sheep again, and feel her mother’s -arms about her, and be her housemaid and -helper. The selfishness of this unspoiled general -of victorious army, companion of princes, -an idol of an applauding and grateful nation, -reached but that far and no farther.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Fairy Tree</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In a noble open space carpeted with grass on -the high ground toward Vaucouleur stood a -most majestic beech tree with wide-reaching arms -and a grand spread of shade, and by it a limpid -<span class='pageno' id='Page_264'>264</span>spring of cold water; and on summer days the -children went there—oh, every summer for -more than five hundred years—went there and -sang and danced around the tree for hours together, -refreshing themselves at the spring from -time to time, and it was most lovely and enjoyable. -Also they made wreaths of flowers -and hung them upon the tree and about the -spring to please the fairies that lived there; for -they liked that, being idle innocent little creatures, -as all fairies are and fond of anything -delicate and pretty like wild flowers put together -in that way. And in return for this attention -the fairies did any friendly thing they could -for the children, such as keeping the spring -always full and clear and cold, and driving away -serpents and insects that sting; and so there -was never any unkindness between the fairies and -the children during more than five hundred -years—tradition said a thousand—but only the -warmest affection and the most perfect trust and -confidence; and whenever a child died the fairies -mourned just as that child’s playmates did, and -the sign of it was there to see; for before the -dawn on the day of the funeral they hung a -little immortelle over the place where the child -was used to sit under the tree. I know this to -be true by my own eyes; it is not hearsay. And -<span class='pageno' id='Page_265'>265</span>the reason it was known that the fairies did it -was this—that it was made all of black flowers -of a sort not known in France anywhere.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now from time immemorial all children reared -in Domremy were called the Children of the -Tree; and they loved that name, for it carried -with it a mystic privilege not granted to any -other of the children of this world. Which -was this: whenever one of these came to die, -then beyond the vague and formless images -drifting through his darkening mind rose soft -and rich and fair a vision of the tree—if all was -well with his soul. That was what some said. -Others said the vision came in two ways: once -as a warning, one or two years in advance of -death, when the soul was the captive of sin, -and then the tree appeared in its desolate winter -aspect—then that soul was smitten with an -awful fear. If repentance came, and purity of -life the vision came again, this time summer-clad -and beautiful; but if it were otherwise -with that soul the vision was withheld, and it -passed from life knowing its doom. Still others -said that the vision came but once and then only -to the sinless dying forlorn in distant lands and -pitifully longing for some last dear reminder of -their home. And what reminder of it could go -to their hearts like the picture of the tree that -<span class='pageno' id='Page_266'>266</span>was the darling of their love and the comrade -of their joys and comforter of their small griefs -all through the divine days of their vanished -youth?</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now the several traditions were as I have -said, some believing one and some another. One -of them I know to be the truth, and that was -the last one. I do not say anything against the -others; I think they were true, but I only <em>know</em> -that the last one was; and it is my thought that -if one keep to the things he knows, and not -trouble about the things which he cannot be -sure about, he will have the steadier mind for -it—and there is profit in that. I know that -when the children of the tree die in a far land, -then—if they be at peace with God—they turn -their longing eyes toward home, and there, far-shining, -as through a rift in a cloud that curtains -heaven, they see the soft picture of the fairy -tree, clothed in a dream of golden light; and -they see the blooming meads sloping away to -the river, and to their perishing nostrils is blown -faint and sweet the fragrance of the flowers of -home. And then the vision fades and passes—but -<em>they</em> know, <em>they</em> know! and by their transfigured -faces you know also, you stand looking -on; yes, you know the message that has come, -and that it has come from heaven.</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_267'>267</span>Joan and I believed alike about this matter. -But Pierre Morel, and Jacques d’Arc and many -others believed that the vision appeared twice—to -a sinner. In fact, they and many others said -they <em>knew</em> it. Probably because their fathers -had known it and had told them; for one gets -most things at second hand in this world....</p> - -<p class='c010'>Always, from the remotest times, when the -children joined hands and danced around the -fairy tree they sang the song which was the -tree’s song, the song of <cite><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">L’Arbre Fée de Bourlemont</span></cite>. -They sang it to a quaint sweet air—a -solacing sweet air which has gone murmuring -through my dreaming spirit all my life when -I was weary and troubled, resting me and carrying -me through night and distance home again. -No stranger can know or feel what that song -has been through the drifting centuries to exiled -Children of the Tree, homeless and heavy of -heart in countries foreign to their speech and -ways. You will think it a simple thing, that -song, and poor, perchance; but if you will remember -what it was to us, and what it brought -before our eyes when it floated through our -memories, then you will respect it. And you -will understand how the water wells up in our -eyes and makes all things dim, and our voices -break and we cannot sing the last lines:</p> - -<div class='lg-container-b c004'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_268'>268</span>“And when, in exile wand’ring, we</div> - <div class='line'>Shall fainting yearn for glimpse of thee,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Oh, rise upon our sight!”</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<p class='c013'>and you will remember that Joan of Arc sang -this song with us around the tree when she -was a little child, and always loved it. And -<em>that</em> hallows it, yes, you will grant that:</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><cite><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">L’Arbre Fée de Bourlemont.</span></cite></h3> - -<div class='lg-container-b c004'> - <div class='linegroup'> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line in12'>Song of the children</div> - <div class='line'>Now what has kept your leaves so green,</div> - <div class='line in2'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Arbre Fée de Bourlemont</span>?</div> - <div class='line'>The children’s tears! they brought each grief,</div> - <div class='line in2'>And you did comfort them and cheer</div> - <div class='line in2'>Their bruised hearts, and steal a tear</div> - <div class='line'>That, healèd, rose, a leaf.</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>And what has built you up so strong,</div> - <div class='line in2'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Arbre Fée de Bourlemont</span>?</div> - <div class='line'>The children’s love! they’ve loved you long:</div> - <div class='line in2'>Ten hundred years, in sooth,</div> - <div class='line'>They’ve nourished you with praise and song,</div> - <div class='line'>And warmed your heart and kept it young—</div> - <div class='line in2'>A thousand years of youth!</div> - </div> - <div class='group'> - <div class='line'>Bide always green in our young hearts,</div> - <div class='line in2'><span lang="fr" xml:lang="fr">Arbre Fée de Bourlemont</span>!</div> - <div class='line'><span class='pageno' id='Page_269'>269</span>And we shall always youthful be,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Not heeding Time his flight;</div> - <div class='line'>And when, in exile wand’ring, we</div> - <div class='line'>Shall fainting yearn for glimpse of thee,</div> - <div class='line in2'>Oh, rise upon our sight!</div> - </div> - </div> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Joan Before Rheims</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>We marched, marched, kept on marching; -and at last, on the 16th of July, we came in -sight of our goal and saw the great cathedral -towers of Rheims rise out of the distance! -Huzza after huzza swept the army from van to -rear; and as for Joan of Arc, there where she -sat her horse, gazing, clothed all in white armor, -dreamy, beautiful, and in her face a deep, deep -joy, a joy not of earth, oh, she was not flesh, -she was a spirit! Her sublime mission was -closing—closing in flawless triumph. To-morrow -she could say, “It is finished—let me go -free.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Joan’s Reward</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>The fantastic dream, the incredible dream, -the impossible dream of the peasant child stood -fulfilled; the English power was broken, the -heir of France was crowned.</p> - -<p class='c010'>She was like one transfigured, so divine was -the joy that shone in her face as she sank to -<span class='pageno' id='Page_270'>270</span>her knees at the king’s feet and looked up at -him through her tears. Her lips were quivering, -and her words came soft and low and -broken:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Now, O gentle king, is the pleasure of God -accomplished according to his command that you -should come to Rheims and receive the crown -that belongeth of right to you, and unto none -other. My work which was given me to do is -finished; give me your peace, and let me go -back to my mother, who is poor and old, and -has need of me.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The king raised her up, and there before -all that host he praised her great deeds in -most noble terms; and there he confirmed her -nobility and titles, making her the equal of a -count in rank, and also appointed a household -and officers for her according to her dignity; -and then he said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“You have saved the crown. Speak—require—demand; -and whatsoever grace you ask it -shall be granted, though it make the kingdom -poor to meet it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Now that was fine, that was loyal. Joan was -on her knees again straightway, and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Then, O gentle king, if out of your compassion -you will speak the word, I pray you -give commandment that my village, poor and -<span class='pageno' id='Page_271'>271</span>hard-pressed by reason of the war, may have -its taxes remitted.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“It is so commanded. Say on.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“That is all.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“All? Nothing but that?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“It is all. I have no other desire.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“But that is nothing—less than nothing. Ask—do -not be afraid.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Indeed, I cannot, gentle king. Do not -press me. I will not have aught else, but only -this alone.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>The king seemed nonplussed, and stood still -a moment, as if trying to comprehend and -realize the full stature of this strange unselfishness. -Then he raised his head and said:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“She has won a kingdom and crowned its -king; and all she asks and all she will take is -this poor grace—and even this is for others, -not for herself. And it is well; her act being -proportioned to the dignity of one who carries -in her head and heart riches which outvalue -any that any king could add, though he gave -his all. She shall have her way. Now, therefore, -it is decreed that from this day forth Domremy, -natal village of Joan of Arc, Deliverer of -France, called the Maid of Orleans, is freed -from all taxation <em>forever</em>.”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_272'>272</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “SAINT JOAN OF ARC” (1899)</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c009'>There is no one to compare her with, none to -measure her by; for all others among the illustrious -<em>grew</em> towards their high place in an atmosphere -and surroundings which discovered -their gift to them and nourished it and promoted -it, intentionally or unconsciously. There have -been other young generals, but they were not -girls; young generals, but they have been -soldiers before they were generals: she <em>began</em> -as a general. She commanded the first army -she ever saw; she led it from victory to victory, -and never lost a battle with it; there have -been young commanders-in-chief, but none so -young as she: she is the only soldier in history -who has held the supreme command of a nation’s -armies at the age of seventeen.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_273'>273</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “FOLLOWING THE EQUATOR”<br /> <span class='sc'>Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar</span><br /> (1896–7)</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c009'>A man may have no bad habits and have -worse.</p> - -<p class='c009'>When in doubt, tell the truth.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It is more trouble to make a maxim than it -is to do right.</p> - -<p class='c009'>A dozen direct censures are easier to bear -than one morganatic compliment.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has -merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid -an asteroid.</p> - -<p class='c009'>He was as shy as a newspaper is when referring -to its own merits.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Truth is the most valuable thing we have. -Let us economize it.</p> -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_274'>274</span>It could probably be shown by facts and figures -that there is no distinctly native American -criminal class except Congress.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It is your human environment that makes -climate.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Everything human is pathetic. The secret -source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. -There is no humor in heaven.</p> - -<p class='c009'>We should be careful to get out of an experience -only the wisdom that is in it—and -stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits -down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit -down on a hot stove-lid again—and that is -well; but also she will never sit down on a -cold one any more.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, -calling him frivolous and shallow. Yet it was -the schoolboy who said, “Faith is believing -what you know ain’t so.”</p> - -<p class='c009'>We can secure other people’s approval, if we -do right and try hard; but our own is worth a -hundred of it, and no way has been found out -of securing that.</p> -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_275'>275</span>Truth is stranger than fiction—to some people, -but I am measurably familiar with it. Truth -is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction -is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth -isn’t.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There is a Moral Sense, and there is an -Immoral Sense. History shows us that the -Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and -how to avoid it, and that the Immoral Sense -enables us to perceive immorality and how to -enjoy it.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The English are mentioned in the Bible: -Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the -earth.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It is easier to stay out than to get out.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Pity is for the living, envy is for the dead.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It is by the goodness of God that in our country -we have those three unspeakably precious -things: Freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, -and the prudence never to practice either -of them.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Man will do many things to get himself loved, -he will do all things to get himself envied.</p> -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_276'>276</span>Nothing is so ignorant as a man’s left hand, -except a lady’s watch.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep -a tidy soul.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There is no such thing as “the Queen’s English.” -The property has gone into the hands -of a joint stock company and we own the bulk -of the shares.</p> - -<p class='c009'>“<em>Classic.</em>” A book which people praise and -don’t read.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There are people who can do all fine and -heroic things but one: keep from telling their -happiness to the unhappy.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or -needs to.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The universal brotherhood of man is our most -precious possession, what there is of it.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Let us be thankful for the fools. But for -them the rest of us could not succeed.</p> - -<p class='c009'>When people do not respect us we are sharply -offended; yet deep down in his private heart -no man much respects himself.</p> -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_277'>277</span>Nature makes the locust with an appetite for -crops: man would have made him with an appetite -for sand.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The spirit of wrath—not the words—is the -sin; and the spirit of wrath is cursing. We -begin to swear before we can talk.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The man with a new idea is a Crank till the -idea succeeds.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Let us be grateful to Adam our benefactor. He -cut us out of the “blessing” of idleness and won -for us the “curse” of labor.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Let us not be too particular. It is better to -have old second-hand diamonds than none at -all.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The Autocrat of Russia possesses more power -than any other man in the earth; but he cannot -stop a sneeze.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There are several good protections against -temptations, but the surest is cowardice.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Names are not always what they seem. The -common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced -Jackson.</p> -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_278'>278</span>To succeed in the other trades, capacity must -be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Prosperity is the best protector of principle.</p> - -<p class='c009'>By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. -Another man’s, I mean.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Few of us can stand prosperity. Another -man’s, I mean.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There is an old time toast which is golden -for its beauty. “When you ascend the hill of -prosperity may you not meet a friend.”</p> - -<p class='c009'>Each person is born to one possession which -outvalues all his others—his last breath.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Hunger is the handmaid of genius.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The old saw says, “Let a sleeping dog lie.” -Right. Still, when there is much at stake it -is better to get a newspaper to do it.</p> - -<p class='c009'>It takes your enemy and your friend, working -together, to hurt you to the heart; the one -to slander you and the other to get the news -to you.</p> -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_279'>279</span>If the desire to kill and the opportunity to -kill came always together, who would escape -hanging?</p> - -<p class='c009'>Simple rules for saving money: To save -half, when you are fired by an eager impulse to -contribute to a charity, wait, and count forty. -To save three-quarters, count sixty. To save it -all, count sixty-five.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Grief can take care of itself; but to get the -full value of a joy you must have somebody -to divide it with.</p> - -<p class='c009'>He had had much experience of physicians, and -said “the only way to keep your health is to -eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t -like, and do what you’d druther not.”</p> - -<p class='c009'>The man who is ostentatious of his modesty -is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Let me make the superstitions of a nation -and I care not who makes its laws or its songs -either.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles -have been.</p> - -<p class='c009'><span class='pageno' id='Page_280'>280</span>Do not undervalue the headache. While it is -at its sharpest it seems a bad investment; but -when relief begins the unexpired remainder is -worth $4.00 a minute.</p> - -<p class='c009'>True irreverence is disrespect to another -man’s god.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There are two times in a man’s life when -he should not speculate: when he can’t afford -it, and when he can.</p> - -<p class='c009'>She was not quite what you would call refined. -She was not quite what you would call -unrefined. She was the kind of person that -keeps a parrot.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Make it a point to do something every day -that you don’t want to do. This is the golden -rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty -without pain.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Don’t part with your illusions. When they -are gone you may still exist but you have ceased -to live.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Often, the surest way to convey misinformation -is to tell the truth.</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_281'>281</span>Satan (impatiently) to Newcomer: The -trouble with you Chicago people is, that you -think you are the best people down here; whereas -you are merely the most numerous.</p> - -<p class='c009'>In the first place God made idiots. This was -for practice. Then He made School Boards.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There are no people who are quite so vulgar -as the over-refined ones.</p> - -<p class='c009'>In statesmanship get the formalities right, -never mind about the moralities.</p> - -<p class='c009'>Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side -which he never shows to anybody.</p> - -<p class='c009'>The very ink with which all history is written -is merely fluid prejudice.</p> - -<p class='c009'>There isn’t a Parallel of Latitude but thinks -it would have been the Equator if it had had -its rights.</p> - -<p class='c009'>I have traveled more than any one else, and -I have noticed that even the angels speak English -with an accent.</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_282'>282</span> - <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Art</span></h3> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>Whenever I enjoy anything in Art it means -that it is mighty poor. The private knowledge -of this fact has saved me from going to pieces -with enthusiasm in front of many and many a -chromo.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Italian Cigars</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>In Italy, as in France, the Government is the -only cigar-peddler. Italy has three or four domestic -brands: the Minghetti, the Trabuco, the -Virginia, and a very coarse one which is a modification -of the Virginia. The Minghettis are -large and comely, and cost three dollars and -sixty cents a hundred; I can smoke a hundred in -seven days and enjoy every one of them. The -Trabucos suit me, too; I don’t remember the -price. But one has to learn to like the Virginia, -nobody is born friendly to it. It looks -like a rat-tail file, but smokes better, some think. -It has a straw through it; you pull this out, -and it leaves a flue, otherwise there would be -no draught, not even as much as there is to a -nail. Some prefer a nail at first.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_283'>283</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “CONCERNING THE JEWS” (1898)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Human Being</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I’m quite sure that (bar one) I have no race -prejudices, and I think I have no color prejudices -nor caste prejudices nor creed prejudices. -Indeed, I know it. I can stand any society. -All that I care to know is that a man is a -human being—that is enough for me; he can’t -be any worse.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Immortal Race</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>If the statistics are right the Jews constitute -but <em>one per cent.</em> of the human race. It suggests -a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the -blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew -ought hardly to be heard of; but he is heard of, -has always been heard of. He is as prominent -on the planet as any other people, and his commercial -importance is extravagantly out of proportion -to the smallness of his bulk. His contributions -<span class='pageno' id='Page_284'>284</span>to the world’s list of great names in -literature, science, art, music, finance, medicine, -and abstruse learning are always away out of -proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He -has made a marvelous fight in this world, in -all the ages; and has done it with his hands -tied behind him. He could be vain of himself, -and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the -Babylonian, and the Persian rose, filled the -planet with sound and splendor then faded to -dream-stuff and passed away; the Greek and -the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and -were gone; other people have sprung up and -held their torch high for a time, but it burned -out, and they sit in twilight now, or have vanished. -The Jew saw them all, beat them all, -and is now what he always was, exhibiting no -decadence, no infirmities of age, no weakening -of his parts, no slowing of his energies, no dulling -of his alert and aggressive mind. All -things are mortal but the Jew; all other forces -pass, but he remains. What is the secret of -his immortality?</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_285'>285</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “CHRISTIAN SCIENCE” (1898)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The C. S. Healer</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>She was middle-aged, and large and bony, -and erect, and had an austere face and a resolute -jaw and a Roman beak and was a widow -in the third degree, and her name was Fuller. -I was eager to get to business and find relief, -but she was distressingly deliberate. She unpinned -and unhooked and uncoupled her upholsteries -one by one, abolished the wrinkles -with a flirt of her hand, and hung the articles -up; peeled off her gloves and disposed of them, -got a book out of her hand-bag, then drew a -chair to the bedside, descended into it without -hurry and I hung out my tongue. She said, -with pity but without passion:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Return it to its receptacle. We deal with -the mind only, not with its dumb servants.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>I could not offer my pulse, because the connection -was broken; but she detected the apology -before I could word it, and indicated by a negative -tilt of her head that the pulse was another -<span class='pageno' id='Page_286'>286</span>dumb servant that she had no use for. Then -I thought I would tell her my symptoms and -how I felt, so that she would understand the -case; but that was another inconsequence, she -did not need to know those things; moreover, -my remark about how I felt was an abuse of -language, a misapplication of terms.</p> - -<p class='c010'>“One does not <em>feel</em>” she explained; “there is -no such thing as feeling: therefore, to speak -of a non-existent thing as existent is a contradiction. -Matter has no existence; nothing exists -but mind; the mind cannot feel pain, it -can only imagine it.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“But if it hurts, just the same——”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“It doesn’t. A thing which is unreal cannot -exercise the functions of reality. Pain is unreal; -hence, pain cannot hurt.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>In making a sweeping gesture to indicate the -act of shooing the illusion of pain out of the -mind, she raked her hand on a pin in her dress, -said “Ouch!” and went tranquilly on with her -talk. “You should never allow yourself to -speak of how you feel, nor permit others to -ask you how you are feeling; you should never -concede that you are ill, nor permit others to -talk about disease or pain or death or similar -non-existences in your presence. Such talk only -<span class='pageno' id='Page_287'>287</span>encourages the mind to continue its empty -imaginings.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Just at that point the <em>Stubenmädchen</em> trod on -the cat’s tail, and the cat let fly a frenzy of -cat profanity. I asked, with caution:</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Is a cat’s opinion about pain valuable?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“A cat has no opinion; opinions proceed from -mind only; the lower animals being eternally -perishable, have not been granted mind; without -mind, opinion is impossible.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“She merely <em>imagined</em> she felt a pain—the -cat?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“She cannot imagine a pain, for imagining is -an effect of mind; without mind there is no -imagination. A cat has no imagination.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“Then she had a <em>real</em> pain?”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“I have already told you there is no such -<em>thing</em> as real pain.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>“It is strange and interesting. I do wonder -what was the matter with the cat.”</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_288'>288</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “ITALIAN WITHOUT A MASTER” (1903)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Home Product</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Necessarily we are all fond of murders, scandals, -swindles, robberies, explosions, collisions, -and all such things, when we know the people, -and when they are neighbors and friends, but -when they are strangers we do not get any great -pleasure out of them, as a rule. Now the -trouble with an American paper is that it has -no discrimination; it rakes the whole earth for -blood and garbage and the result is that you are -daily overfed and suffer a surfeit. By habit you -stow this muck every day, but you come by and -by to take no vital interest in it—indeed, you -almost get tired of it. As a rule, forty-nine-fiftieths -of it concerns strangers only—people -away off yonder, a thousand miles, two thousand -miles, ten thousand miles from where you -are. Why, when you come to think of it, who -cares what becomes of those people? I would -not give the assassination of one personal friend -<span class='pageno' id='Page_289'>289</span>for a whole massacre of those others. And, to -my mind, one relative or neighbor mixed up in -a scandal is more interesting than a whole Sodom -and Gomorrah of outlanders gone rotten. Give -me the home product every time.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Charm of Uncertainty</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>There is a great, a peculiar charm about reading -news scraps in a language which you are -not acquainted with—the charm that always goes -with the mysterious and the uncertain. You can -never be absolutely sure of the meaning of anything -you read in such circumstances; you are -chasing an alert and gamy riddle all the time, -and the baffling turns and dodges of the prey -make the life of the hunt. A dictionary would -soil it. Sometimes a single word of doubtful -purport will cast a vale of dreamy and golden -uncertainty over a whole paragraph of cold and -practical certainties, and leave steeped in a haunting -and adorable mystery an incident which had -been vulgar and commonplace but for the benefaction. -Would you be wise to draw a dictionary -on that gracious word? Would you be -properly grateful?</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_290'>290</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “EVE’S DIARY” (1905)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Her Chief Desire</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>It is my prayer, it is my longing, that we may -pass from this life together—a longing which -shall never perish from the earth, but shall have -place in the heart of every wife that loves, until -the end of time; and it shall be called by my -name.</p> - -<p class='c010'>But if one of us must go first, it is my prayer -that it shall be I; for he is strong, I am weak, -I am not so necessary to him as he is to me—life -without him would not be life; how could -I endure it? This prayer is also immortal, and -will not cease from being offered while my race -continues. I am the first wife; and in the last -wife I shall be repeated.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>At Eve’s Grave</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Adam: Wheresoever she was, <em>there</em> was Eden.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>William Dean Howells</span> (1905)</h3> - -<p class='c012'>For forty years his English has been to me -a continual delight and astonishment. In the -<span class='pageno' id='Page_291'>291</span>sustained exhibition of certain great qualities—clearness, -compression, verbal exactness, and enforced -and seemingly unconscious felicity of -phrasing—he is, in my belief, without his peer -in the English-writing world. <em>Sustained.</em> I intrench -myself behind that protecting word. -There are others who exhibit those great qualities -as greatly as he does, but only by intervaled -distributions of rich moonlight, with stretches -of veiled and dimmer landscape between; whereas -Howell’s moon sails cloudless skies all night -and all the nights.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <h2 class='c005'>MISCELLANEOUS (1905–9)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Making the Oyster</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>You can’t make an oyster out of nothing, nor -you can’t do it in a day. You’ve got to start -with a vast variety of invertebrates, the belemnites, -trilobites, jubusites, amalekites, and that -sort of fry, and put them in to soak in a primary -sea and observe and wait what will happen. -Some of them will turn out a disappointment; -the belemnites and the amalekites and such will -be failures, and they will die out and become -extinct in the course of the nineteen million -years covered by the experiment; but all is not -lost, for the jubusites will develop gradually -<span class='pageno' id='Page_292'>292</span>into encrinites and stalactites and blatherskites, -and one thing and another, as the mighty ages -creep on and the periods pile their lofty crags -in the primordial seas, and at last the first -grand stages in the preparation of the world for -man stands completed, the oyster is done. Now -an oyster has hardly any more reasoning power -than a man has, so it is probable that this one -jumped to the conclusion that the nineteen million -years was a preparation for <em>him</em>. That -would be just like an oyster, and, anyway, this -one could not know at that early date that he -was only an incident in the scheme, and that -there was some more to the scheme yet. (Mark -Twain—A Biography).</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Fatality of Sequence</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>When the first living atom found itself afloat -on the great Laurentian sea the first act of that -first atom led to the <em>second</em> act of that first atom, -and so on down through the succeeding ages of -all life, until, if the steps could be traced, it -would be shown that the first act of that first -atom has led inevitably to the act of my standing -in my dressing gown at this instant, talking -to you. (Mark Twain—A Biography).</p> - -<div> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_293'>293</span> - <h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Life’s Turning Point</span></h3> -</div> - -<p class='c012'>Necessarily the scene of the real turning-point -of my life (and of yours) was the Garden of -Eden. It was there that the first link was -forged of the chain that was ultimately to lead to -the emptying of me into the literary guild. -Adam’s <em>temperament</em> was the first command the -Deity ever issued to a human being on this -planet. And it was the only command Adam -would <em>never</em> be able to disobey. It said, “Be -weak, be water, be characterless, be cheaply -persuadable.” The later command, to let the -fruit alone was certain to be disobeyed. Not by -Adam himself, but by his <em>temperament</em>—which -he did not create and had no authority over. -For the <em>temperament</em> is the man; the thing -tricked out with clothes and named Man is -merely its shadow, nothing more. The law of -the tiger’s temperament is, Thou shalt kill; the -law of the sheep’s temperament is, Thou shalt -not kill. To issue later commands requiring the -tiger to let the fat stranger alone, and requiring -the sheep to imbue its hands in the blood -of the lion is not worth while, for those commands -<em>can’t</em> be obeyed. They would invite to -violations of the law of <em>temperament</em>, which is -supreme, and takes precedence of all other authorities. -I cannot help feeling disappointed in -<span class='pageno' id='Page_294'>294</span>Adam and Eve. That is, in their temperaments. -Not in <em>them</em>, poor helpless young creatures—afflicted -with temperaments made out of butter; -which butter was commanded to get into -contact with fire and <em>be melted</em>. What I cannot -help wishing is, that Adam and Eve had -been postponed, and Martin Luther and Joan -of Arc put in their place. That splendid pair -equipped with temperaments not made of butter, -but of asbestos. By neither sugary persuasions -nor by hell fire could Satan have beguiled -<em>them</em> to eat the apple.</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Close of Seventieth Birthday Speech</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Threescore years and ten!</p> - -<p class='c010'>It is the scriptural statute of limitations. After -that you owe no active duties; for you the -strenuous life is over. You are a time-expired -man, to use Kipling’s military phrase; you have -served your term, well or less well, and you are -mustered out. You are become an honorary -member of the republic, you are emancipated, -compulsions are not for you, nor any bugle call -but “lights out.” You pay the time-worn duty -bills if you choose, or decline if you prefer—and -without prejudice—for they are not legally -collectible.</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_295'>295</span>The previous-engagement plea, which in forty -years has cost you so many twinges, you can -lay aside forever; on this side of the grave you -will never need it again. If you shrink at -thought of night, and winter, and the late homecomings -from the banquet and the lights and -laughter through the deserted street—a desolation -which would not remind you now, as for -a generation it did, that your friends are sleeping -and you must creep in a-tiptoe and not -disturb them, but would only remind you that -you need not tiptoe, you can never disturb them -more—if you shrink at the thought of these -things you need only reply, “Your invitation -honors me and pleases me because you still keep -me in your remembrance, but I am seventy; -seventy, and would nestle in the chimney corner -and smoke my pipe, and read my book, and take -my rest, wishing you well in all affection, and -that when you in your turn shall arrive at Pier -70 you may step aboard your waiting ship with -a reconciled spirit, and lay your course toward -the sinking sun with a contented heart.”</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Future Life</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>(Mark Twain often allowed his fancy to -play with the idea of the orthodox heaven, its -curiosities of architecture and its employments -<span class='pageno' id='Page_296'>296</span>of continuous prayer, psalm-singing, and harpistry).</p> - -<p class='c010'>“What a childish notion it was,” he said, “and -how curious that only a little while ago human -beings were so willing to accept such fragile evidences -about a place of so much importance. -If we should find somewhere to-day an ancient -book containing an account of a beautiful and -blooming tropical paradise secreted in the center -of eternal icebergs—an account written by men -who did not even claim to have seen it themselves—no -geographical society on earth would -take any stock in that book, yet that account -would be quite as authentic as any we have of -heaven. If God has such a place prepared for -us, and really wanted us to know it, He could -have found some better way than a book, so -liable to alterations and misinterpretations. God -has had no trouble to prove to man the laws -of the constellations and the construction of the -world, and such things as that, none of which -agree with His so-called book. As to a hereafter, -we have not the slightest evidence that -there is any—<em>no</em> evidence that appeals to logic -and reason. I have never seen what to me -seemed an atom of proof that there is a future -life.”</p> - -<p class='c010'>Then, after a long pause, he added:</p> - -<p class='c010'><span class='pageno' id='Page_297'>297</span>“And yet—I am strongly inclined to expect -one.” (Mark Twain—A Biography).</p> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>Religion</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>I would not interfere with any one’s religion, -either to strengthen it or to weaken it. I am -not able to believe one’s religion can affect his -hereafter one way or the other, no matter what -that religion may be. But it may easily be a -great comfort to him in this life—hence it is a -valuable possession to him.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_298'>298</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “THE DEATH OF JEAN”<br /> (1909)</h2> -</div> - -<p class='c009'>It is the time appointed. The funeral has begun. -Four hundred miles away, but I can see -it all, just as if I were there. The scene is -the library in the Langdon homestead. Jean’s -coffin stands where her mother and I stood, forty -years ago, and were married; and where Susy’s -coffin stood thirteen years ago; where her mother’s -stood five years and a half ago; and where -mine will stand, after a little time.</p> - -<div class='chapter'> - <span class='pageno' id='Page_299'>299</span> - <h2 class='c005'><em>FROM</em> “ONE OF HIS LATEST MEMORANDA”<br /> (1909)</h2> -</div> - -<h3 class='c011'><span class='sc'>The Impartial Friend</span></h3> - -<p class='c012'>Death—the only immortal who treats us all -alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose -refuge are for all—the soiled and the pure—the -rich and the poor—the loved and the unloved.</p> - -<hr class='c015' /> -<div class='footnote' id='f1'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r1'>1</a>. Through an exchange of clothing with the little prince -Tom Canty suddenly found himself royalty, and upon the -death of Henry VIII is now king.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f2'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r2'>2</a>. Miles Hendon, who has taken the real prince—now a -wanderer—under his protection. In the course of their -adventures the two have landed in prison.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f3'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r3'>3</a>. Nigger Jim is a runaway slave to whom Huck affords -protection.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f4'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r4'>4</a>. Huck and Nigger Jim, drifting down the Mississippi -on their raft have been struck by a steamboat. Jim has -disappeared but Huck, making his way to shore, has been -taken in by Col. Grangerford, whose family is in bitter -feud with the Shepherdsons.</p> - -<p class='c010'>Edmund Clarence Stedman declared this chapter of Huck -Finn’s adventures to be “as dramatic and powerful an -episode as I know in modern literature.”</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f5'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r5'>5</a>. Buck Grangerford, a boy of about Huck’s age.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f6'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r6'>6</a>. On his arrival at the Grangerford home Huck had given -his name as George Jackson.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f7'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r7'>7</a>. The Yankee and his captor have arrived at Camelot and -are in King Arthur’s castle.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f8'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r8'>8</a>. The Yankee with the maid, Alisande, a great talker, -is on the way to rescue the imprisoned princesses.</p> -</div> -<div class='footnote' id='f9'> -<p class='c010'><a href='#r9'>9</a>. The King and the Yankee travelling in disguise have -fallen into the clutches of a slave-dealer.</p> -</div> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c003'> - <div>THE END</div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class='pbb'> - <hr class='pb c004' /> -</div> -<div class='tnotes'> - -<div class='section ph2'> - -<div class='nf-center-c0'> -<div class='nf-center c001'> - <div>TRANSCRIBER’S NOTES</div> - </div> -</div> - -</div> - - <ol class='ol_1 c003'> - <li>P. <a href='#t44'>44</a>, changed "even the" to "even in the". - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t49'>49</a>, changed "never revoked" to "never been revoked". - - </li> - <li>P. <a href='#t126'>126</a>, changed "“Oh, don’t <em>I</em>!”" to "“Oh, don’t <em>I</em>!” said - Joe,". - - </li> - <li>Silently corrected typographical errors and variations in spelling. - - </li> - <li>Anachronistic, non-standard, and uncertain spellings retained as printed. - - </li> - <li>Footnotes have been re-indexed using numbers and collected together at the end of the - last chapter. - </li> - </ol> - -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Moments with Mark Twain, by Mark Twain - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MOMENTS WITH MARK TWAIN *** - -***** This file should be named 61338-h.htm or 61338-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/3/3/61338/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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