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diff --git a/old/61115-0.txt b/old/61115-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index ffaac7a..0000000 --- a/old/61115-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2588 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 23, -August, 1921, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. 23, August, 1921 - America's Magazine of Wit, Humor and Filosophy - -Author: Various - -Editor: W. H. Fawcett - -Release Date: January 5, 2020 [EBook #61115] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, AUG. 1921 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - -Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Vol. II. No. 23, August, 1921 - - - - -A Trip to the Battlefields - -Sign up for a subscription to The Stars and Stripes. Takes you back in -memories to the days overseas. A weekly trip to the A. E. F. sectors, -keeps you in touch with your comrades everywhere. Wally’s Cartoons in -every issue will keep you young! - -Special Offer - -Send Two Dollars and we will enter you for a six months’ subscription to -The Stars and Stripes and send you a complete collection, well bound, of -Wally’s Overseas Cartoons—all the famous cartoons published in the A. E. -F. The greatest book of war days. Don’t delay! - - The Stars and Stripes Publishing Co. - 205 Bond Building WASHINGTON, D. C. - - * * * * * - -BATHING BEAUTIES! - -Real Photographs of the famous California Bathing Girls. Just the thing -for your den! Sizes 3½ × 5½. Positively the best on the market. - -ASSORTMENT OF 6 for 25c or 25 for $1.00 - -Send Money Order or Stamps. Foreign money not accepted unless exchange is -included. - - EGBERT BROTHERS - Dept. W. B. 303 Buena Vista St., LOS ANGELES, CAL. - -_Wholesale agents wanted everywhere in U.S. Write for wholesale terms._ - - * * * * * - -_Subscribe Now_ - - +------------------------------- - If you like our Farmyard / Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang, - Filosophy and Foolishness, / R.R.2, Robbinsdale, Minn. - fill in this coupon. / Enclosed is money order (or - / check) for subscription commencing - $2.50 per / with .................. issue - year. / MONTH - / - / Name ............................ - / Street ........................... - / City & State ...................... - - - - - _Captain Billy’s - Whiz Bang_ - - [Illustration] - - _America’s Magazine of - Wit, Humor and - Filosophy_ - - AUGUST, 1921 Vol. II. No. 23 - - Published Monthly - W. H. Fawcett, Rural Route No. 2 - at Robbinsdale, Minnesota - - Entered as second-class matter May 1, 1920, at the postoffice at - Robbinsdale, Minnesota, under the - Act of March 3, 1879 - - Price 25 cents $2.50 per year - - Contents of this magazine are copyrighted. Republication - of any part permitted when properly credited to - Capt. Billy’s Whiz Bang. - - “We have room for but one soul loyalty and that is - loyalty to the American People.”—Theodore Roosevelt. - - Copyright 1921 - By W. H. Fawcett - - Edited by a Spanish and World War Veteran and - dedicated to the fighting forces of the United States - - - - -_Drippings From the Fawcett_ - - -A few months ago a newspaper friend of mine in New Orleans wrote about -having taken a drink of the Louisiana brand and then backing against a -bale of cotton as he said: “Come on, boy, let’s go.” I didn’t appreciate -his humor very much at that time because I had been on the wagon for -several months. I had not touched the “fiery flare” that “stealeth away -the mind” principally because the morning after the night before found -me in such condition that it seemed to take months of the “tapering off” -process to get back in shape. - -However, the devil got the upper hand again and, as usual, there was the -devil to pay. Somebody presented me with a nice, new-appearing black -bottle bearing a shiny, greenish colored label. The alleged bonded stamp -had a peculiar shade and indicated a bourbon of twelve summers. The -contents, however, bore the taste of a reverse action to an old maid’s -age. But the cayenne pepper, ether and tobasco sauce got in its damnable -work. - -Two hours later I passed by the Ashley Airport, located in Robbinsdale -near the Whiz Bang farm. Instead of backing against a bale of cotton, I -backed against a 90 horsepower aeroplane, handed the pilot my last $50 -and said: “Come on, Gus, let’s go.” And, believe me, Gus and I went some -before we got off this last “bender.” - -The pilot, Homer Cole, veteran of four years’ service in France, -fulfilled his duties in a business-like way, while Gus and myself were -filling ourselves in an unbusiness-like way. Our first stop was Brainerd, -Minn., a hustling city about 150 miles north of Robbinsdale. We had so -much real or fancied fun on our first flight that we enveigled Cole to -make another leap of 22 miles to Breezy Point lodge in the old Indian -territory. Of course in the meantime we had ridded ourselves of our -visible supply of tobasco sauce and both knew that our stay in my Pequot -log cabin resort must be brief. Therefore, the very bright and brilliant -idea soaked in the hired man’s dome, that an airship would be a necessary -permanent adjunct for traveling back and forth between Robbinsdale and -Pequot. - -Gus conducted negotiations with Cole and learned that his plane could -be purchased on the installment plan. The deal was soon closed and at -this writing the plane is partly mine. We managed to last it out for -one day in the North pine woods and early next morning hopped off for -Minneapolis, with its fond memories of many mills and motley moonshine. - -Later in the day, my brother, Harvey, who now conducts the business end -of the little old Whiz Bang, located Gus and I in a gin mill. He handed -me a nice letter of invitation to attend a convention of the Independent -Magazine Distributors at the Schlitz Hotel at Atlantic City. While the -convention notice sounded mighty good, the name of the hotel suggested a -hankering for the good old days. - -Gus was heart-broken, to think that I would leave him behind and as he -had performed valiant service as caretaker of Pedro, our pedigreed bull, -and the cows and chickens during many years as Whiz Bang farm hand, I -granted his plea to accompany me. - -We landed safe, sound and, as usual, sick in the McAlpin in New York -City. It was Gus’ longest train ride and incidentally his first visit -to the big village. At the outset he refused to remove his overalls, -rubber collar and red necktie, which was quite embarrassing to me. We had -a swell room on the tenth flight, with carpets on the floor and brass -buttoned fellows to wait on us. We were informed we could get no liquor -in New York unless we were Enright. Gus promptly formed the advance -guard on the Great White Way, or whatever you call it, and soon we were -both in right. After an eye opener or two, my hired man asked the genial -barkeep for the location of the wash-room. He was shown an ante-room -which bore the sign: “Gentlemen.” He walked right in anyway. Nothing in -New York seemed to deter this faithful, simple Minnesota farm-hand. - -That night we received a telegram from Robbinsdale cautioning us to make -reservations in the Schlitz Hotel at Atlantic City, as that institution -might be full on account of the convention. Gus read the message to me, -threw it in the waste basket as he nonchalantly remarked: “If the Schlitz -Hotel is full it has nothing on me.” - -The next day it was Atlantic City or bust. We arrived in rather good -shape and were assigned a pleasant room overlooking the Atlantic and the -famous boardwalk. I induced Gus to take a bath, although he insisted -he didn’t need one and that anyway it wasn’t the right time of the -month. A little bribe, however, brought him around to his senses and -after his plunge, I handed him a ten dollar bill to go about and enjoy -himself. Before leaving the room he was strictly cautioned to beware of -pickpockets. - -Gus returned several hours later and, I am sorry to relate, was a little -the worse for wear. He had a puzzled, sorrowful look on his face. After a -few moments of hesitation he confessed—he had been “touched.” The mystery -of the missing mazuma was cleared later that night when I coaxed him to -take off his socks before crawling into bed. There in the dark recess of -his left light blue stocking was hidden a five and a two dollar bill. -“Gosh, but I forgot all about hiding it,” he exclaimed with a sigh of -relief. - -Next day we “dolled up” as pretty as possible so as to be somewhat -presentable at the convention banquet. We had just started to leave the -room when Gus became so grief stricken that I was forced to cancel the -engagement and remain by his bedside. The shock came in the form of a -telegram from Maggie, the hired girl, and read as follows: - - “Pedro took violently ill last night from heart disease—Horse - Doctor Hawkins unable to diagnose his sickness and Pedro was - rushed on truck to Minneapolis—Bull specialists in the Midway - Packing plant say his trouble is homesickness due to Gus’ - absence—All hope given up—What shall we do?” - -An hour later, while Gus was still shedding tears and demanding that -we return home at once, we received a second message, this one from my -brother, which read: - - “Pedro died at 6:00 o’clock—Does Gus want his body brought to - Robbinsdale for burial?—A son was born to the Hereford cow one - hour after Pedro passed—Have named him Pedro Junior after his - father, which assures continuation of the Pedro Bullage.” - -Pedro’s death and my intermittent headaches rather dampened our spirits -and so we started back for Robbinsdale. Waiting in Chicago for our -connections to Minnesota, and wishing to cheer up Gus and to ease the -pain of Pedro’s death I said to him, “Gus, you have done pretty good on -the trip so I will get you something nice. What do you want?” We were -just passing a bird store and Gus said, “Get me a pet monkey.” So I -bought him a ring tail monk, which he now has at Breezy Point and with -which he spends most of his time after his day’s work. - -As this is written I have somewhat overcome the effects of tapering off, -but the memory of this last jamboree has made an everlasting record on -Gus’ snoose dampened mind. - - * * * * * - -Deacon Miller’s son, Pete, has a new racket. It appears that he bought -a golden trombone from some Chicago mail order house, and every night -he entertains the boys and girls of the neighborhood with his melodies. -Everybody likes to see the way Pete is coming to the front and when it -comes to playing fast music, etc., Pete can slide that golden trombone in -and out to beat the band. - - * * * * * - -IN MEMORIAM - -Gus and Maggie wish to express their heartfelt thanks for the kind -sympathy and the beautiful flowers attending the recent bereavement of -their beloved Pedro, famed pedigreed bull, to whom we were very much -attached and who died from shortness of breath, superinduced by a severe -case of homesickness, due to the absence of his favored master, Gus, -during Mr. Gus’ recent trip to Broadway. It is our joy and comfort to let -our many friends know that Pedro’s place in our hearts will be partly -filled by his young son, Pedro, Jr. - - * * * * * - -We went to church last Sunday for a change and the minister preached a -sermon about Lot’s wife looking back and turning into a pillar of salt. -We were telling Gus, our hired man, about the sermon, and Gus says he was -walking around Robbinsdale Monday evening and saw the minister strolling -with Deacon Smith’s wife, and when they looked back and saw Gus, both of -them turned into a dark side street. - - * * * * * - -Whiz Bang readers will remember some time ago we got a letter from a -fellow on the Pacific Coast who enquired if his long lost brother from -Sweden was our hired man, Gus. It developed later that this was true and -Gus and his brother, Ole, staged a reunion the other day, but as Gus’ -brother is not any too dainty and as he has weak pedals, I was unable to -find a position for him on the Whiz Bang farm. However, Gus solved the -difficulty by getting his brother a job as street cleaner in Robbinsdale, -and after the first day, Ole quit and said that Robbinsdale was too fast -for him. At least that is the impression we got from him, for he said -Robbinsdale was no one horse town. - - * * * * * - -Rus Morrissey says we were in error in declaring that a whiffenpoof was -a fish that swims backwards to keep water out of its eyes, and that a -whiffenpoof really is a dog whose left legs are shorter than its right -legs so that the said whiffenpoof dog can walk around a hill without -losing its balance. Some dorg, we’d say! - - * * * * * - -A Succulent Table d’Hote - - The cow stood in the pasture field, - Her joy was most complete - For with her was her baby calf - A dining tete-a-tete. - - - - -_Our Movie Gossip_ - -BY RICHMOND - - -The Whiz Bang is hearing all sorts of rumors and gossip wheezes from the -movie camps surrounding the City of Angels, regarding the antics of Clara -Smith Hamon, who recently was freed in the Ardmore, Oklahoma, shooting -case and who is now attempting to break into the picture game with her -“life-story” to teach young girls to beware of oil kings and others. - -According to the consensus of whisperings, Clara is having a difficult -time getting studio artists to work for her in the production of the -alleged “reform” photoplay. It is reported she is offering fabulous -salaries from the fund of $10,000 which Jake Hamon is supposed to have -left her, in an endeavor to put over the picture. One camera man said he -was offered $500 a week, and Mason Litson, former Goldwyn director, was -reported to have turned down an offer of $750 a week. - -Los Angeles says that besides the Motion Picture Directors’ association -voting to expel any member who aids Clara, the Screen Writers’ Guild has -taken action against the Hamon photoplay. If all this dope is true, Clara -will have a job on her hands illustrating her adventures to young girls -via the screen play. Even after the play is produced, if it ever is, -Clara will find it a task to find theatres to exhibit it in. - -Pauline Frederick is now on her way west again from a recent trip to New -York. They say she whispered to a close friend in the depot in New York -as she was leaving, that she and Willard Mack will again wed very soon. - -This recalls to mind the gossip that revolved about their previous -engagement when Pauline was playing at the Famous studio in New York City -several years ago. While she and Mack were engaged—he was waiting to get -a divorce from Marjorie Rambeau at the time—it is said he wavered for a -time and showed a decided inclination toward returning to the fair and -beautiful Marjorie. Pauline became so alarmed over losing her playwright -prize that it is said she approached Marjorie. - -So Pauline got him, then they separated. Last winter the beautiful -Barbara Castleton, former Goldwyn star, went east, joined one of Willard -Mack’s vaudeville acts, and it was reported was engaged to wed Mack. -They, too, were prevented from carrying out an immediate marriage because -of one of those bothersome final decrees. - -Barbara, by the way, while at the Goldwyn studio was one day discovered -in a refined but tempestuous love scene with a tall, raven-haired English -actor. Maybe it was part of a picture, but took place way out on a dark, -deserted stage beneath a huge black cloth used to keep the dust off from -the furniture! An electrician stumbled upon the romantic scene and when -the story was whispered about the studio it is said the poor electrician -was cross questioned and put through the third degree by Hollywood’s best -gossips. - -It seems that the English actor has a wife somewhere in the -Empire—Australia or Ireland—so Barbara was daily reported to be -infatuated with some other admirer. It seems her romantic passion for -Mack “took,” for she allowed the press to announce the fact that they -intended to wed when he won his decree from the emotional Pauline, -“Polly” as she is known. - -Another interesting angle of the case is to the effect that Pauline never -rode a horse until last winter. One of the Goldwyn pictures required this -feat, so one perfectly handsome cowboy was engaged to teach “Polly” to -ride. The riding lessons were frequent all winter and Hollywood expected -to hear of one of those “high born lady chauffeurs”—in this case cowboy -star—marriages. However, that’s now cold. - - * * * * * - -Our Program - -This is a modern society drama in four acts: - -Act I. Their eyes meet. - -Act II. Their lips meet. - -Act III. Their souls meet. - -And then what do you suppose meets? Their attorneys. - - * * * * * - -Sign in a laundry window: - - “I want your duds, - In my suds.” - - * * * * * - -To the Rear, March - -Army teamsters are known for their science of cursing. One of the trucks -was deep in the mud and defied all his efforts and curses. A chaplain -passing just then shocked. - -“Friend, don’t you know who died for sinners?” he said. The answer was -quick, “Damn your conundrums; can’t you see I’m stuck in the mud?” - -Without further questions the chaplain decided to retreat. - - - - -_Limber Kicks_ - - - He sipped the nectar from her lips, - As neath the moon they sat; - And wondered if another man - Had drank a mug like that. - - * * * * * - - A tool chest was the old hen’s nest, - I’ll bet you cannot match it; - She cackled when she tried to set - Upon a nail and hatchet. - - * * * * * - - A passing breeze - Exposed her knees; - Milady did not care, - She blushed for fear - Her naked ear - Might cause the men to stare. - - * * * * * - - _Mamma loves papa,_ - _Papa loves wimmin;_ - _Mamma caught papa_ - _In swimmin’ with wimmin._ - - * * * * * - -The Romance - - A girl A bride - A man A groom - A perfect moon A scrap or two - A bench Old stuff - A sigh You say - A perfect spoon Alas! Too true. - - * * * * * - -Hard to Explain! - -A bit in doubt as to whether her husband had gone to their mountain cabin -with male escorts, friend wife decided to call up and find out. The -following conversation took place: - -Husband—Hello! Hello! - -Wife—Hello, dear, what are you doing? - -Husband—Why, I was just washing out my X, Y, Z’s. - -Central on the wire—I’m “wringing” them! - -Bang!!! - - * * * * * - - Mother may I a-riding go? - Yes, my sweet Lucille - But give your friend this sound advise, - Keep one hand on the wheel. - - * * * * * - - All forms of love, I know tis true - Are bound to cause a quake or two - But still I’m betting, the most upsetting - Is love in a canoe. - - * * * * * - -A girl is getting old when she begins to sigh over the pictures in the -album. - - * * * * * - -Living together when tied with the bonds of matrimony is often a knotty -life. - - * * * * * - -The solid man has no sediment in his makeup. - - * * * * * - -What is home without a cellar? - - - - -_Bobbed Hair Genii_ - - -Although the rest of New York can’t seem to see why they are so excited -about it, all the high brow married ladies of Greenwich Village are in a -lather of emotion. Ruth Hale has set ’em free. - -Rah for liberty, freedom and Ruth! - -Owing to Ruth, the down-trodden girls with bobbed hair and hubbies, no -matter how many times they are married, need not lug around the old man’s -name any longer. No more of this “Mrs.” stuff south of Washington Square. - -It seems that the young lady genii who inhabit the Village and have -flights of soul and yearn and yearn, occasionally fall in love and get -married and go to live in apartments with kitchenettes, dumb waiters, -husbands and other furniture. But to their intense indignation, the -butcher and everybody right away begins calling them Mrs. Thingambob, -entirely forgetting the undying fame of the names they used to sign to -their poems. So the girls proceeded to strike. - -Fannie Hurst, the lady who says her husband comes to call on her twice -a week, Inez Gillmore, who is married to Will Irwin, and a lot of girls -similarly encumbered, organized the Lucy Stone League, Lucy being a lady -who refused to stand for the outrage way back in 1855. Ruth Hale was one -of the members. She is a writer young lady who married Heywood Broun, the -dramatic critic, and dared anybody to call her Mrs. Broun. - -The United States government took the dare. When she wanted to go to -Europe, the State Department got in bad with Greenwich Village by writing -out her passport in the name of “Mrs. Heywood Broun.” She indignantly -refused to accept it, refusing to go to Europe at all and leaving the -place flat. - -She has now won what the girls consider to be a tremendous victory for -“The Cause.” Through the courts she has compelled a real estate owner to -deed a certain piece of property to “Heywood Broun and Ruth Hale, his -wife.” The Greenwich Village ladies straightaway celebrated the event by -adopting a new constitution for the Lucy Stone League—which is one way of -giving a cheer, not to say a yell of triumph. - -If it’s all right with Ruth, it’s all right with me, but it is certainly -going to make complications. You will have to keep dragging the host of -the party off to one side and keep demanding in a hoarse whisper, “Say, -before this goes any further, is this Jane somebody’s wife?” - -There’s also another terrible affair in the Village. Every bobbed hair -is on end with excitement over what happened to “Grace” of the famous -“Grace’s Garret.” This is one of the places in the Village where they get -together and tell each other how the jealous magazine editors have turned -down their work through spite. - -Grace Godwin—of course, she has a husband named Sperry, but that doesn’t -count—runs the place, she says, more as a harbor for lonely souls than as -a depot for eats. Well, the other day, five or six lonely souls happened -in for a dish of tea; but all the said lonely souls were inhabiting black -bodies. Grace called the lightest colored one aside and told him how it -was. Of course, the Village is awfully democratic and all that but—well, -he ought to be able to see for himself—with so many of the other lonely -souls being hot-headed Southerners and all. How was she to know that the -colored brother was a famous sociologist with a Yale degree and that -the rest of the party were all university high brows. They brought law -suits against her and got a verdict for $600, which is more money than -the Village ever heard of at one time before. Grace of “Grace’s Garret” -has given the Village solemn warning that if any more dark tinged lonely -souls come along she is going to close “The Garret” and move out of the -Village. - -But if it comes to that, everybody else is moving out of the Village -anyhow. So many purse-proud outsiders have invaded New York’s Latin -Quarter that the rents are murder in the first degree. The real Villagers -are moving out to Brooklyn—than which there could be no worse fate for a -Villager. - -Ziegfield Follies girls tell me that all the time the police were -supposed to be searching for Nicky Arnstein, the alleged bond robber, -Nicky was in his wife’s dressing room. He is married to Fannie Brice of -the Follies and used to come to the show every night disguised as her -colored maid. - -Now that we are on the topic, a burning piece of information should -be hurried out to the waiting world. Ziegfield says that hereafter he -is going to have all the chorus men in the show sing from behind the -scenes. Nobody wants to see them anyhow. Hereafter, they just represent -noise—like a drum. - -A little movie girl of my acquaintance has recently joined the Follies -and what she sees behind the scenes at the Famous beauty show fills her -with awe for the human appetite. - -“To tell you the truth,” she says, “Those girls don’t care much about -millionaires. They infinitely prefer to go around with chauffeurs because -they don’t have to worry about which fork to eat with. They have to have -millionaires around on account of their appetites. No ordinary fortune -could keep those girls filled up. In a previous existence most of them -must have been boa constrictors. They eat all the time. One girl, famous -for her beauty, starts in with a good dinner before the show. All during -the intervals when she is not on the stage, she has waiters bring her -lunches in her dressing room. Her bill averages forty dollars a week for -the little snacks she eats between her dinner before the show and the -supper with a millionaire after the show. That girl ought to marry a -Service of Supply Depot.” - -The little newcomer says that nearly all the lovely beauties whom we -have imagined as dining on lark’s tongues and poetry have appetites like -traffic cops. - -What they need in New York right now is a new country for the movie -stars to be born in. They have a dreadful time trying to get Pola Negri -located. Ever since the foreign pictures began to pour in with this Negri -lady in the leading part of most of the plays, they have been trying to -get her born in some inoffensive place. The press agents have had her in -turn an Italian, a Swiss, an Austrian and a Roumanian. As a matter of -fact the lady’s real name is Paulette Schwartz. I can’t possibly imagine -what her nationality can be! - -Similarly worried, the film magnates have finally decided that Josef -Schildkraut is part Turkish and part Roumanian. - -Well, never mind, they are both great artists. Two of the greatest Europe -has ever sent us. - -Oddly enough, Pola Negri has reconciled the rival film producers to the -horrors of censorship. Only a few weeks ago, they were appealing to high -heaven to be saved from the monster. Now it has occurred to them that -censorship is the only protection the American film industry has against -being swept to destruction by cheap but beautiful German pictures. - -The competition is almost murderous. “Passion,” the super film in which -Negri first appeared in America and which would have cost at least half -a million dollars in the United States, was made for $22,000 in Berlin. -Pola Negri gets a salary whose bigness has made Germany open its eyes; -in our money it would be only $45 a week. Of course, there could be but -one outcome to competition like that. Nearly all the German pictures and -particularly all those of Pola Negri are decidedly “rough” in spots. They -are very much bedroom, etc. The American censors may save the situation -by cutting the gizzards out of them. A big Italian picture recently -arrived in New York wherein the extra people were paid four cents a day. -It was a very beautiful and very fine picture. There’s no denying it. -Only the censors can save the movies. - -That long suffering and modest soul, Evelyn Nesbit, has finally retired -from the stage after some years spent in a vain attempt to startle the -world with her “message” to young girls. She has opened a novelty store -in the “roaring fifties” in New York City and will manage it in person. - - * * * * * - -Sweet Essence of Prune Juice - -_From “Rainbow,” a Novel_ - -He kissed her with his soft enveloping kisses and she responded to them -completely; her mind, her soul gone out. - -Darkness cleaving to darkness, she hung close to him, pressed herself -into the soft flow of his kiss, pressed herself down, down to the source, -and core of his kiss, herself covered and enveloped in the warm, fecund -flow of his kiss that traveled over her, flowed over the last fiber of -her, so they were one stream, one dark fecundity and she clung at the -core of him with lips holding open the very bottomest source of her. - - * * * * * - -Drummers, Front and Center, March! - -The Sunday School teacher had been telling her class about the benefits -of being good. At the end of her discourse, she turned to a bright-eyed -little miss and asked: - -“Where do good little girls go when they die?” - -“To heaven,” was the prompt reply. - -“And where do the bad girls go?” - -“To the depot to see the traveling men come in.” - - * * * * * - -Justification - - _“Brass shines with use; good garments would be worn;_ - _Houses not dwelt in, are in dust forlorn._ - _Beauty not exercised, with age is spent—_ - _Nor one or two men are sufficient!”—Marlowe._ - - * * * * * - -Starting the Day Right - -A pretty stenographer had been transferred by the firm to another city. -The first morning after the change had been made, she came into her new -office, hung her hat and coat on the rack and meandered leisurely to the -boss’ desk. - -“Well,” she said, “I suppose you start in the day here the same as we do -in Blanktown?” - -“Why, yes, I suppose so,” replied the boss. - -“Well, come on, then, kiss me so I can start working.” - - - - -_Questions and Answers_ - - -=_Dear Captain_=—Why is it that people say I remind them of a river?—=_T. -Bone._= - -Perhaps it is because your mouth is bigger than your head. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—What is meant by a triumvirate?—=_Bob O. Link._= - -Agnes, Mabel and Becky. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—I have often wondered where all the jokes came from.—=_Al -Fresco._= - -I don’t know, where were you born? - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Bill_=—My feet are always cold. Do you know anything I could do -for them?—=_Jean Ology._= - -Did you ever try shining your shoes with stove polish? - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—I found a pair of ice tongs in my parlor. What shall I -do?—=_Art I. Choke._= - -Demand a reduction in your ice bill. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap. Bill_=—Judging from your last letters to me your fountain pen -must leak all of the time. Why not get a new one?—=_Maggie Zeen._= - -No, you are mistaken. It leaks only when I’ve got ink in it. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—Can you give me an example of the height of -curiosity?—=_Otto Mattick._= - -A woman sticking her finger into a bowl of soup to see if it leaves a -dent. - - * * * * * - -=_My Dear Captain_=—I admire you very much and wish to tell you that I am -a neat, nifty and nice little girl. All of my hats are from Paris, though -I must confess my stockings were all made in America. Would you like to -see Paris?—=_Chloro Form._= - -No, I’m patriotic. I’d rather see America first. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Cap_=—How come that your hired man, Gus, is a born -musician?—=_Simon Konshush._= - -Because he has drums in his ears. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—How can I impress upon my sweetheart that I am -really in love with her?—=_Jim Crowe._= - -While talking to her, heave your chest up and down like the men in the -movies. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—Lately I have been keeping company with a delightful -girl. Unfortunately, however, she is inclined to wear her skirts too -short. Could you advise me how I can get her to lengthen them without -offending her?—=_I. Hoofit._= - -Hoofit, old dear, you should learn to be diplomatic. The best way to -accomplish the result is to say something like this, “Sweetheart, your -eyes are simply dazzling, but no one will ever notice them, unless you -lengthen your skirts.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper_=—What is meant by “Mind your P’s and Q’s?”—=_Dear Dairy -Maid._= - -Probably means “Mind your pints and quarts.” - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—I have just been married and would like your advice -on how long I should cook spaghetti.—=_Mrs. Dis N. Terry._= - -Spaghetti should not be cooked too long. About ten inches is right. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Skipper Bill_=—A land-lubber friend of mine recently joined -the Navy and has been assigned to my ship. Could you please suggest a -practical joke to play on him during his first trip at sea?—=_Jack Tarr._= - -Bet him a dollar he’ll come in the next roll. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I visited a nice little girl the other evening -and she would not let me kiss her. Instead, she insisted on kissing a -perfumed Persian kitten she held in her lap. What would you advise me to -do?—=_Bashful Bert._= - -On your next visit, select a dark and dismal night and at the -psychological time meow like a cat. Maybe she won’t know the difference. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain Billy_=—I am a young married man. There is a handsome -married woman, the wife of a traveling man, across the hall. She has a -phonograph and each evening when he is away she plays such records as: -“Lonesome,” “I Know That You Are Married,” “Won’t You Come Over to My -House,” “Won’t You Come Over and Play?” Do you think I should take a -chance?—=_Phical Phil._= - -You are hereby referred to the poem “Johnny and Frankie,” which appears -in the Smokehouse section of this issue. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Captain_=—What large stream flows from North to South?—=_D. Jennie -Rate._= - -Hootch, my dear. - - * * * * * - -=_Dear Capt. Billy_=—When I sing I get tears in my eyes. What can I do -for this? - -Stuff cotton in your ears. - - - - -_Our Monthly Drammer_ - - -“_YOU HOLD MY WIFE_” - -A Comedy On “Behold My Wife” - -BY JAMES STARR - -There is in “You Hold My Wife,” which George Selford has screened from -Sir Filbert Barker’s “The Translation of a Shimmy Dancer,” the sort of -romance that appeals to all the primitive story-loving instincts of the -widely known human race. A bum of an Englishman seeking a fortune in -the Judson Bay country hears from home that his fiancee has not married -another man as he had hoped she would. He is led to believe his own -family had deliberately planned to go against his plans. To be even -with them he drinks a pint of likker, marries an Indian girl, Lali, the -daughter of old Fry-on-the-moon, and ships her to England as his wife. -The good sports of the English family, dismayed and shocked, take the -savage in hand and, of course, turn her out a raving beauty in two reels. -So that when the bum English chap, stricken finally by remorse and put on -his feet by a two-gallon can of likker, returns to England to recover -his squaw, he finds her a social sensation of the season and the mother -of a fine little son. He tells her that it is not his son, she faints, he -cries to the servant, who is handy, “You Hold My Wife,” the servant does. -The English chap leaves the house and joins a circus. - - * * * * * - -“_MIDSUMMER BADNESS_” - -A Comedy On “Midsummer Madness” - -There are a few directors of pictures you can not depend upon for the -sane, sensible and spirited productions. Billie The Mille is one, no -longer just Sesil’s brother, but one who calls himself a director, no one -knows why, but he does. Billy’s latest is a photographic essay, a world -beater, a sensation, but it is unbelievable. The Mille has woven a real -bum story, telling it by captions and not by pictures, such as all good -directors do some time in their life, we all make mistakes, and Billy has -just started at the beginning of his long list. No one knows just why -this picture was made, but it doesn’t make any difference to the restless -public, they will stand for anything and Billy knows it. He is a wise -guy. In the story there is the new idea of the neglectful husband and a -guy that likes this guy’s wife, the neglectful husband likes the other -guy’s wife. They should swap each other’s wife and let it go at that, -but Billy wouldn’t have it that way, so he made them love each other for -awhile and then he tore them apart. The master of this picture put in a -subtitle reading “The End” and let the public go home for the evening to -start a drama of their own. - - * * * * * - -The Sydney Bulletin tells a fairly good story about family foibles. Here -it is: - -The thud-thud of swiftly moving feet gave me warning as I was about -to turn the corner, and I drew back to avoid a collision. An agitated -figure, his breath coming in sobs, whirled past me and leaped on to a -car that was leaving the car-stop; and almost at the same moment another -shape shot around the corner and fell upon me. He released me at once -and apologized profusely. Gazing furiously at the car, now fading in -the distance, he explained the situation. “That man’s wife,” he said -bitterly, “ran away from him and came to be my housekeeper, and just now, -when I got home, I found him trying to make love to her. The dirty cur.” - - * * * * * - - _The clock struck nine, I looked at her,_ - _Her lips were rosy red;_ - _“At quarter after nine, I mean_ - _To steal a kiss,” I said._ - _She cast a roguish glance at me,_ - _And then she whispered low_ - _With quite her sweetest little smile,_ - _“The clock’s like you—it’s slow.”_ - - - - -_Whiz Bang Editorials_ - -“_The Bull is Mightier Than the Bullet._” - - -Audrey Munson, the darling of the studios, is telling the poor but -patient public what gorgeous parties some of the artists have pulled off, -and speaks breathlessly of champagne baths and rose-covered stairways. -It is nothing new, Audrey; the ancients, in the matter of luxury and -license, could knock any of the present day sports for a row of Chinese -pagodas. - -I have recently been engaged in reading two very interesting histories, -the one of the rose, the other of the perfumes, in reading which I -was deeply impressed with the fact that all the civilizations of the -past, previous to their downfall, had their rose fetes, their festivals -of flowers, their perfumed halls and extravagant balls and soirees. -Before the fall of the Roman empire; the wealthy abandoned themselves -to pleasure, luxury and licentiousness and such expressions as “living -in the midst of roses” and “sleeping on a bed of roses” had a deep and -tragic meaning. Seneca speaks of Smyndiride, who could not sleep if -one of the rose petals with which his bed was spread, happened to be -curled. Cicero alludes to the then prevailing custom among the Romans -of reclining at the table on couches covered with roses. Ah, my jeweled -buddies there were Adonises in those days! - -When Cleopatra, the perfumed serpent of the Nile, went into Cilicia to -meet Mark Antony, she gave him for several successive days a festival -such as the gods themselves would not blush to participate in. She had -placed in the banqueting hall twelve couches large enough to hold three -guests. Purple tapestry interwoven with gold covered the walls, golden -vases admirably executed and enriched with precious stones, stood on a -magnificent gold floor. On the fourth day the queen caused the floor of -the hall to be covered with roses to the depth of eighteen inches. These -flowers were retained in a very fine net to allow the guests to walk over -them. - -Nero, the fiddler of burning Rome and the tyrant par excellence of his -day, gave a fete on the gulf of Baiae when inns were established on the -banks and ladies of noble blood played hostesses to the occasion, the -roses alone costing more than four million of sesterces, or $100,000. - -Before her downfall Rome could spend millions on her royal tables, -support the dignity of a single senator at $80,000 a year, employ courts -for sycophants and flatterers, impose taxes at the pleasure of her ruler, -declare any complaint treason, marry her daughters for money and titles, -employ notaries to attest the fatness of her banquet fowls, punish men -with death for trivial offenses and make slaves and menials of the -profoundest philosophers. - -Considering their natural limitations, those old boys set a pace that -would keep anybody hustling to keep up with them. The sports of several -generations back might have been veritable hicks compared to the modern -brand, but those of several centuries back didn’t take a back seat for -none—and don’t yet! - - * * * * * - -In the May issue of last year, when Whiz Bang was a baby in the magazine -field, we published a poem famed over the West Coast, “The Girl in -the Blue Velvet Band,” which we obtained after much effort from a -former convict of San Quentin penitentiary, wherein this masterpiece -was written. Within a week after the Whiz Bang, containing the first -publication of this poem, reached San Francisco, that city had sold out -every copy, and a day or two later none could be purchased from Canada to -Mexico on the western slope. The Whiz Bang mail box was full every day -with requests for more copies of the issue containing “The Blue Velvet -Band.” - -Consequently, we republished the poem in our October issue, which we also -called our first Annual. The big rush of the May issue was repeated in -October, and from that time on we have been flooded with requests for -copies of the poem. One enthusiast offered us a ten spot if we’d have -Gus, the hired man, copy the poem from our personal files for him. - -This year we are making the Winter Annual a separate book, with four -times as much reading matter. “The Blue Velvet Band,” the verse of the -dope layout, the burglar and the inner walls of San Quentin. “Lasca,” the -tale of the stampede, “The Face on the Bar-room Floor,” and “Johnnie and -Frankie,” are some of the poems scheduled for the “Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22” in October. - - * * * * * - -Probably a Boxing Match - -She (just back from Paris): “I can’t go to this dance tonight, my trunks -haven’t arrived.” - -He: “Good Lord, what kind of a dance do you think this is going to be?” - - * * * * * - -If you interfere between man and wife, remember this, that they will be -friends again and you won’t. - - - - -_Smokehouse Poetry_ - - -_In the September issue Smokehouse Poetry will feature The Unwritten Law -by Budd McKillips, author of After the Raid, which scored such a recent -success in the Whiz Bang, and Angela Morgan’s poem, Betrayed._ - - _Bad, hopelessly bad!_ - _I yielded to love that sways mankind,_ - _Not the mere measure of bodily pleasure,_ - _But love that wakes in the soul and mind,_ - _Born of the spirit at God’s behest;_ - _And I bartered all I had,_ - _I, with the warmth of a child at my breast—_ - _Am bad, hopelessly bad!_ - -_That is the start of Miss Morgan’s plea for the woman who falls and -brings to memory the biblical words, “Let him who is without sin cast -the first stone.” There will be several other red-blooded gems in the -smokehouse poetry section next month._ - - * * * * * - -The Far East - - By the mud hole down in Subic, - Looking lazy at the bay, - There’s a goo-goo dame awaiting, - And I think I hear her say, - “Come you back, you malo soldier - Come you back, from o’er the sea, - Come you back and pay your jaw-bone - Por-a-que you jaw-bone me.” - Her little skirt was baggy, - Only reaches to her knees, - Her hair is black and greasy - And it is full of bugs and fleas, - Her teeth are black with betel nut, - Or colored with dark red paint, - Her name is Donna Marie, - The same as her patron saint. - When the rain fills up the rice fields, - And soaks us exiles to the skin - We all go down to “Bino Mary’s” - And tank up on square faced gin, - With her arms around my shoulders, - And her cheeks to mine pressed close, - And I smell her breath, Oh! Glory, - I have to hold my nose. - But I’ve left it all behind me, - Thank God, I’m far away, - Back here in God’s own country, - And you bet your boots, I’ll stay, - And I’m learning in my old home town - That folks are wise who say, - When you hear that “Far East” calling - Just be wise and stay away. - No more have I of the “Dhoby” - Or the awful prickly heat, - But I walk out in the evening, - With a maiden fair and sweet. - Just give me one good Yankee girl, - Looking like my own, - And the goo-goo girls are welcome, - To the “gink” that wrote this poem. - - * * * * * - -Woman - - Oh, woman, woman, woman; - You are something more than human! - Ever changing, ever charming - And sometimes quite alarming. - And though you break our banks, - We can only speak our thanks; - With forms so fair and hearts so true - We live and die for you, for you! - - * * * * * - -Frankie and Johnnie Blues - -_EDITOR’S NOTE: The following stanzas are part of the song: “Frankie and -Johnnie Blues.” The poem is too long to be published in the regular issue -of the Whiz Bang, but it will be reproduced IN FULL in the Winter Annual -of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-1922._ - - Frankie went down to the corner, - To buy herself some near beer, - Says to the handsome bartender, - Has my loving man been here? - =He is my man= - =But he is doing me wrong.= - I ain’t going to tell you no story, - Ain’t going to tell you no lies, - Johnnie left here an hour ago - With a party called Nellie Bly, - =He is your husband,= - =But he is doing you wrong.= - Frankie went back to the Bly house, - Didn’t go back there for fun, - Underneath her red kimona, - She carried a 44 gun. - =She’s after the man= - =That was doing her wrong.= - Frankie knocked on the door, - Frankie pushed on the bell, - Open that door you “crooked girl” - Or I’ll blow you clear to—well, - =You’ve got my man,= - =That’s doing me wrong.= - Thirteen girls dressed in mourning, - Thirteen men dressed in black, - They all went out to the cemetery, - But only twelve of the men came back, - =They left her man,= - =That had done her wrong.= - - * * * * * - - There was a young lady of Skye, - With a shape like a capital I. - She said “It’s too bad! - But then I can pad”— - Which shows you figures can lie. - - * * * * * - -The Lure of the Tropics - - You’ve decided to come to the tropics, - Heard all that you had to do - Was sit in the shade of a cocoanut glade - While dollars rolled in to you. - - You got that stuff down at the bureau; - You’ve got your statistics straight? - Well, hear what it did to another kid - Before you decide your fate. - - You don’t go down with a sharp hard fall, - You just sort of shuffle along - And lighten your load of the moral code - Till you don’t know right from the wrong. - - I started in to be honest, - With everything on the square, - But a man can’t fool with the golden rule - In a crowd that wont play fair. - - ’Twas a case of riding a crooked race, - Or being an “also ran”; - My only hope was to sneak and dope - The horse of the other man. - - I pulled a deal in Guayaquil, - In an Inca silver mine; - And before they found ’twas salted ground, - I was safe in the Argentine. - - Where I made short weight on the River Platte; - I was running a freighter there. - And I cracked a crib on a rich estate, - Without even turning a hair. - - But the thing that’ll double bar my soul, - When it flaps at heaven’s doors, - Was peddling booze to the Santa Cruz - And Winchester forty-fours. - - Made unafraid by my hellish aid, - The drink crazed brutes came down - And left a blazing, quivering mass - Of a flourishing border town. - - I then took charge of a smuggler’s barge, - Down the coast from Yucatan! - But she went to hell off Cristobal - One night in a hurricane. - - I got to shore on a broken oar, - In the filthy shrieking dark, - While the other two of the good ship’s crew - Were converted into shark. - - From a sunbaked cliff, I flagged a skiff, - With a salt soaked pair of jeans, - Then worked my way for I couldn’t pay - On a fruiter to New Orleans. - - It’s kind of a habit, the tropics— - It gets you worse than rum; - You get away and you swear you’ll stay, - But they call and back you come. - - Six short months went by before - I was back there on the job - Running a war in Salvador. - With a barefoot black face mob. - - A mob that made me general, - Leading a “grand” revolt, - And my only friend from start to end - Was a punishing army colt. - - I might have become their president, - A prosperous man of means, - But a gunboat came and spoiled my game - With a hundred and ten marines. - - So I awoke from my dream dead broke, - And drifted from bad to worse, - And sank as low as a man can go, - Who walks with an empty purse. - - But stars they say appear by day - When you are down in the deep dark pit; - My lucky star found me that way - When I was about to quit. - - Alone on a hot flea ridden cot, - I was down with the yellow jack - Alone in the bush and dammed near dead— - She found me and brought me back. - - In her eyes shone lights of empires gone, - For her’s was the blood of kings— - When she spoke her voice inspired high thoughts, - And dreams of nobler things. - - We were spliced in a Yankee meeting house - In the land of your Uncle Sam, - And I drew my pay from the U. S. A. - For I worked on the Gatun dam. - - Then the devil sent his right hand man, - I might have suspected he would, - And he took her life with a long, thin knife; - Because—she was pure and good. - - Within me died hope, honor, pride. - And all but a primitive will - To hound him down on his blood red trail - And find, and kill and kill! - - O’er chicle camps and logwood swamps, - I hunted him many a moon - Then found my man in a long pit pan, - At the edge of a blue lagoon. - - The chase was o’er at the farther shore, - It ended a two years quest - And I left him there with an empty stare - And a knife stuck in his chest. - - You see those marks upon my arm? - You wonder what they mean? - Those marks were left by fingers deft - Of my trained nurse, Miss Morphine. - - You say that habit’s worse than rum. - It’s possible too you are right. - But at least it drives away the things - That come and stare at night. - - There’s a homestead down in an old Maine town - And the lilacs ’round the gate, - And the night winds whisper it might have been - But the truth has come too late. - - For whenever you play, whatever the way, - For stakes that are large or small, - The claw of the tropics gathers it in, - And the dealer gets it all. - - * * * * * - -Oh, Happy Existence - - The tom cat walketh on the fence - And calleth to his mate; - Oh, would that he would hie him hence - When he has got a date. - He cometh when my eyelids close, - To keep his moonlit tryst, - And rouses me from my sweet repose, - To pray that he’ll desist - ’Tis true the tom cat grieves me sore - When he doth prowl around; - But would that I, like he, got more - Of those long evenings out. - - * * * * * - -Beware, Girls - - Lovers are the most devoted where they least expect to wed. - All they seek is cruel conquest, and when hearts are made to yield, - They forsake the broken fortress and besiege another field. - They are like the crafty serpent coiled beneath the fairest flower, - Till the butterfly or the hum-bird falls within its deadly power. - - - - -_Our Rumor Department_ - -_By Our Los Angeles Correspondent_ - - -An enthusiastic reader sends us an epistle of inquiry. We cannot say that -it is from “Paul” to the Corinthians, because, though the correspondent -signs “Paul,” our noble John Henry reads “Whiz Bang.” - -Paul wants to know whether or not it is a fact that there is anything -to the rumor that Owen Moore, former husband of Mary Pickford, is due -to marry Mildred Harris, late wife of Charlie Chaplin? So far as Whiz -Bang knows, neither Owen nor Mildred have any wild desires to become as -one. Mildred scarcely seems of a type that would appeal to the silent -youngster whom Mary released at Minden. Speaking of Minden? Where is that -place? Oh, yes, up in Nevada. Wasn’t it Nevada which was going to show -the Fairbanks and Pickfords that such sudden splitting of the wedded -bonds couldn’t be pulled off in that sanctified state? And didn’t Whiz -Bang tip you off that Nevada was long on talk and short on official -action. - -Yes, indeedy. Doug Fairbanks puts on the old carpet slippers and Mary -smoothes his hair for all the world like an old married couple and no -one to say them nay, not even Nevada. - -The “rumor” which friend Paul sent to us reminds us forcibly again that -you can hear anything about any one in the picture world or connected -with it. Stick around the Alexandria hotel lobby for ten minutes and the -pedigree of every male and female whose face appears upon the screen will -be peddled to you ad libitum. - -Three years ago the Alexandria hotel lobby was the scene of gigantic -picture operations—in the mind. It was customary for ten million dollar -organizations to be formed every five minutes. That was in the days of -the magic rug. It seemed no one could step on the rug in front of the -hotel counter without becoming stricken. New studios by the thousands -were built every night between six-thirty and seven o’clock. - -But they don’t have the rug at the Alex any more. Remember when Charlie -Chaplin tried to lick his wife’s manager and tripped from the rug onto a -scantling, his priceless feet exuding themselves skyward? Since Charlie -slipped and fell, the rug has been removed. The reason perhaps is that -few hotels get a chance to brag of Charlie Chaplin staging a fight -in their lobby and the Alexandria evidently trusts that if a return -engagement occurs Chaplin will not be able to complain of slippery -underfooting. - -Charlie looks better than in ages. He’s leading the very quiet life, and -working hard. - -Reverting again to rumors. Take ’em all and all, most of the picture -“support” on the various lots is comprised of persons who would find it -pretty rough going financially if called upon to exercise brains. And -they are petty. - -Small town gossips of a mean nature, jealousies and back bitings prevail. -This doesn’t always hold to the extras alone. Some of the stars are -just as bad. Harold Lloyd pays considerable attention to Bebe Daniels. -The result is that the jealous girls have it in for Harold and Bebe. It -happens that Lloyd is a very decent young fellow, so far as reputation -goes and many a doting mamma gets ideas in her head when she sees the -young millionaire roll down the street in one of his splendid cars. Up -to date there has been nothing brought against Lloyd, even by jealous -ladies who crave and don’t get his attention. He steers clear of the jazz -bunch—as clear as can be done and remain at all popular. - -Mildred Davis, for the past two years his leading lady, is frequently -seen in the company of Lloyd at the fashionable gathering places. The -girl is a beautiful looking young creature, possibly 18 or 19 years of -age and naturally those who watch the picture hurdy-gurdy wonder whether -Lloyd is stronger for Mildred than for Bebe. Either young lady, so far as -appearances are concerned, would go a lot further and not meet up with a -more promising gentleman, though marriage may be furthest from the mind -of the trio. These youngsters work hard and have to attend pretty much to -business. - -The wild parties still prevail though they are getting a little more -exclusive. People are chosen who don’t have a reputation for bringing up -reminders the next morning of everything that happened. This is a good -idea. Every girl who got drunk the night before discovered before noon -next day that everyone on the lot had heard about it. - -In our references to Hollywood and Los Angeles society, we don’t wish to -be accused of laying everything to the picture people. Far from it. The -high society bunch sets a faster pace if anything. One of the wildest -orgies ever attempted in this hextic community occurred recently in the -vicinity of Elizabeth Lake, a distance of some 80 miles from Los Angeles. - -It seems that the sacred inner circles of fashion and pictures found -that the ground was being trampled upon too much by the plebeian element -and that the ensuing gossip often ended unpleasantly. Over canyon and -mountains many of the guests were carried by aeroplanes. This item will -be news to some who think they are on the “inside” of the jazz doings -around Los Angeles. The ultra ultras are putting it on stronger than -ever—but far away from home, husbands and wives. - -Big men of the pictures and high social standings, who never bat an -eye at certain queens of the amusement world when at work, joined in -a carnival of revelry that surpassed most anything provided for jaded -appetites hereabouts—not excepting the nude bathing parties for which -Hollywood and Pasadena became famous with introduction of private bathing -plunges, out of doors. - -Outside the Sodom and Gemorrah cottage, big powerful aeroplanes waited -to carry back to Los Angeles those who find that an air trip to be very -clarifying after a night of social carnage. One man, it is reported, -though brewed up like a boiled owl, landed his two passengers safely on -one of the landing places near Hollywood. There is first-hand information -that brewed up airplane drivers have operated in the vicinity. To date -the motor bike cops have found the pave too hot for them to pinch any one. - - * * * * * - -A bribe in time saves nine. - - - - -_Pasture Pot Pourri_ - - -_A baldheaded man likes to tell about the hair-breadth escapes he’s had._ - - * * * * * - -A shortened skirt maketh many a flirt. - - * * * * * - -If ignorance is bliss—then why be otherwise? - - * * * * * - -In the race “Back to Nature,” the Bathing Suit is a close second. The -Evening Gown leading by a fraction of an inch. - - * * * * * - - If a body find a bottle comin’ thru the rye, - Don’t it make a body sore to find the bottle dry? - - * * * * * - -Flattery is like cologne; to be smelled but not swallowed. - - * * * * * - -When you’re down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right. - - * * * * * - -It’s the little things that worry us. We can dodge an elephant, but not a -flea. - - * * * * * - -_Variety is the spice of—Salt Lake City._ - - * * * * * - -All the world loves a lover, except hubby. - - * * * * * - -As Kipling Remarks - - You will take your fun where you find it - But you’ll find while you’re taking your fun - The more you mix with the many - The less you will care for the one. - - * * * * * - -Resurrected - -“A little bit goes a long ways,” said the goose, as she pushed the pebble -over the precipice. “That remains to be seen,” said the pup as he wagged -his tail and walked away. - - * * * * * - -A Clean Joke, Let’s Hope - - _May I hold your Palm, Olive?_ - _Not on your Life, Buoy._ - - * * * * * - -Oh, frivolity, thy name is woman. - - * * * * * - -What was the cause of that scar you have on your head? - -A woman told me that her husband was in St. Louis. - - * * * * * - -“This hotel is a book of life,” chortled the blonde and boastful -desk clerk, “with me the hero thrilling its pages, and you poor bell -hops—merely the pages.” - - * * * * * - -Sign In Basement Window - -Coffee and a roll downstairs, 10 cents. - - * * * * * - -My Evening Prayer - - _Now I lay me down to sleep,_ - _Behold, around me bed-bugs creep._ - - * * * * * - -Harrowed husband to barber: Please don’t use that sweet smelling soap on -my face. - -Barber: Why not, sir; it has a delicate lasting scent. - -Harrowed husband: That’s just it; my wife won’t believe it. - - * * * * * - - I’VE HAD A LOT OF JOYS ON EARTH; - I DON’T WANT TO BE A HOG. - REINCARNATED—I WANT TO BE - A BATHING BEAUTY’S DOG. - - * * * * * - -Don’t swell up when someone takes you for a ride. You might be used as -ballast. - - * * * * * - -A skinny girl in an evening dress, shows more backbone than a man. - - * * * * * - -You can string beans and kid gloves, but you can’t bull frogs. - - * * * * * - -Help! Help! - - He never had tended to children, - Yet he said that he wouldn’t mind - When his wife went away, if she would not - Leave the babies behind. - - * * * * * - -“_There goes a man who can’t bear children._” - - * * * * * - -Mother Goose Revamped - - I once knew a girl - Who wore a little curl - Right in the middle of her forehead - And when she was good - She was very, very good - But when she was bad - She was very INTERESTING. - - * * * * * - -First we abolish what we consider an evil, opines the Town Tankard, and -afterward secretly embrace it. - - * * * * * - -Mary’s Little (?) Lamb - - Mary had a pretty limb, - She realized the fact— - That’s why she wore her dresses short - She showed a lot of tact. - - * * * * * - -_No, Dia, Anna Lyzer is not a twin sister of Para Lyzer._ - - * * * * * - -We are surely tickled to death that Good Friday does not fall on Easter -Sunday. - - * * * * * - -Notice! - -_Miss Featrice Bairfax who conducts the lovelorn department of this great -military journal of uplift, will advise you on your matrimonial and love -affairs. Write to her freely; she has been in France long enough not to -be shocked._ - - * * * * * - -——What’ll it be, Gents, a lollypop or a nut sundae? - - * * * * * - -Try This On Your Hic-trola - - The old oaken hic bar rail; the brass hic bound bar rail; - The foam hic spattered bar rail that hic hung by the bar; - Hic— - - * * * * * - -Our Monthly Maxim - -_Late in bed, early to rise, makes dark rings beneath the eyes._ - - * * * * * - -Now that Luther Reed has written a villainless play, the husband must be -guilty of a bum cellar or something like that. - - * * * * * - -A New Version - -_Here’s to the short skirt and the street car steps. May they never meet._ - - * * * * * - -The old fashioned woman who used to take her troubles to the Lord, has a -daughter who now takes them to a lawyer. - - * * * * * - -If at first some men don’t succeed they fail, and fail again. - - * * * * * - -A fat man has another advantage over his thin brethren—he knows exactly -where his cigar ashes are going to land. - - * * * * * - -Moonology - -The wife of a man named Moon presented him with a fine boy. This was a -new moon. The father celebrated the event by drinking himself full of -hootch. This was a full moon. When he awoke from his stupor all he had -left in his pocket was twenty-five cents. This was the last quarter. His -mother-in-law took this and rapped him over the head with a club. This -was the total eclipse. - - * * * * * - -Impossible - -It can’t be done. - -What? - -Shave the hair off a gnat’s back with a monkey wrench. - - * * * * * - -Sunburned - - The sun was hot upon the beach - Her suit was little sister’s. - She thought she had a good time, but - All is not bliss that blisters. - - * * * * * - -Ah Ha! Ah! - -He—I suppose it would be quite improper for me to kiss you on such a -short acquaintance. - -She—Yes, but it’s quite early in the evening yet. - - - - -_Classified Ads_ - - -How Come? - -(From Cedar Rapids Gazette) - -Found—Lady’s lingerie and stockings with auto cushion in pasture on Oak -Blvd., two miles south Vernon road near the Morgan farm called “Buenos -Aires.” - - * * * * * - -Need a Steno? - -(Tucson, Ariz., Star) - -Competent stenographer without local references excepting polkadot -reputation, wants job. Masons and Christians need not answer. Phone -1009-M. - - * * * * * - -No Restrictions - -For Rent—8-room house. Family of 6 or 7 wild children. Mrs. Minnie -Zenft.—From Oelwein (Ia.) Register. - - * * * * * - -Take Your Turn, Boys - -(From Times Herald, Dallas, Tex.) - -A lady presser, experienced preferred. Brannon’s Cleaning Co. - - * * * * * - -Here’s Another - -(From Kansas City Star) - -LAUNDRY HELP—Girl to operate bosom press. The Bachelor’s Laundry Co., -2004 Broadway. - - * * * * * - -Now a Man! - -(From San Francisco Examiner) - -Man for pressing forms; no experience necessary; good pay while learning. -541 Market st. - - * * * * * - -An Old-Timer - -A Cambridge under-graduate, contrary to regulations, was entertaining his -sister, when they heard someone on the stairs. Hastily hiding his sister -behind a curtain, he went to the door and confronted an aged man who was -revisiting the scenes of his youth, and was desirous of seeing his old -rooms. - -Obtaining permission, he looked around, and remarked, “Ah, yes, the same -old room.” Going to the window, he said, “The same old view”; and peeping -behind the curtain, he exclaimed, “The same old game!” - -“My sister, sir,” said the student. - -“Oh, yes,” said the visitor, “the same old story!”—Tit-Bits. - - * * * * * - -But, My Dear— - -Florine: I won’t marry a man who won’t look me straight in the eye while -he is talking to me. - -Chlorine: Then wear ’em longer, dearie. - - * * * * * - -Girls no longer love to dance. They dance to love. - - * * * * * - -The old fashioned girl used to stay home when she had nothing to wear. - - * * * * * - -The feminine half of the world may not know how the masculine half lives, -but it never tires of trying to find out. - - * * * * * - -The Luck of the Irish - -An Irishman at confession noticed that the priest had a watch on a fob. -As it was easy he nicked it. Continuing his confession he said, “And -Father, I stole a gold watch and fob from a man, but I will give it to -you.” The priest was horrified by the suggestion and said, “No, you -must give it to the man you took it from.” Pat replied, “But, Father, I -offered it to him and he would not take it.” Then, said the priest, “You -may keep it.” - - * * * * * - -Love As An Appetizer - -Any emotion that gives pleasure acts healthily on the heart and other -organs, certain scientists have recently discovered. Brisk circulation, -gnawing appetite and health ensue. Love, hope and happiness all produce -these emotions and, contrary to the accepted notion, the ardent lover -ought to enjoy his meals thoroughly. Despair, grief and fear are declared -to have quite the opposite effect. They make the heart slower, and -enfeeble the nervous system, often upsetting digestion. - - * * * * * - -Many a girl looks sweet on the outside, but so does a sugar-coated pill. - - * * * * * - -You may have more brains than a dog, but the dog is the happiest. - - * * * * * - -Could Explain Readily - -An enthusiastic temperance proponent was lecturing vigorously on his pet -theme when someone in the audience asked him how he could account for the -miracle of the turning of the water into wine. “That,” he piped up in all -seriousness, “was the one act performed by the Founder of the Christian -religion which He ever after regretted.” - - * * * * * - -“My tear! Isn’t he brilliant!” “It’s the goods, Maurice, just so -brilliant like a glass diamint.” - - * * * * * - -The Other View - -Mrs. Justso—“Is my gown cut too low in the back? I can just feel that -those men behind us are staring at me.” - -Mr. Husband—“Aw, turn around and show ’em your face and they’ll quit -staring.” - - * * * * * - -No Use - - No use lovin’ - Ain’t no gain; - No use eatin’, - Just a pain; - No use kissin’, - He’ll go tell; - No use nothin’, - Oh Hell! - - * * * * * - -The Only Rings You Gave Me - -(By Jack Gould) - - You promised me a lot of things - When first I fell for you,— - You said you would buy me diamond rings, - And pearls of lustrous hue; - You said that I’d wear silken hose - And other garments fine; - Oh, boy—I’m here to tell you these.— - You had a flow’ry line - -Refrain: - - The only rings you gave me - Were the rings beneath my eyes; - From vanity you have saved me, - By adorning me with lies. - The only pearls were tear drops - That were shed when I got wise; - The only rings you gave me - Were the rings beneath my eyes! - The fairy tales that you have told - Would shame the ones of Grimm; - You made me think that all was gold - That glittered in the glim. - But there is bound to come a day,— - Just wait, old scout, and see,— - When you’ll find out you’ll have to pay - For what you got from me! - - * * * * * - -She Was All Ready - -Jack (ready for the party)—Dorothy, the taxi will be here any minute. -Slip on your evening gown quick. - -Wifie—Now, don’t be funny, Jack, it’s on. - - * * * * * - -Most Assuredly - -“Where shall I find ladies’ waists?” - -“Between the neckwear and the hosiery, madam.” - - - - -_Our Rural Mail Box_ - - -=_Will Wright_=—Certainly not, Will; the Rev. “Golightly” Morrill writes -only of things he has seen—not his personal experiences. - - * * * * * - -=_Rev. Numm_=—We have mislaid our best recipe, but whatever you use, -don’t forget the raisins. - - * * * * * - -=_Della K. Tessen_=—No, Della, he was no gentleman. - - * * * * * - -=_Lew Dikrus_=—When Gus was that way he shaved his head and burned his -clothes. - - * * * * * - -=_Cora Gate_=—Slap his face the next time. - - * * * * * - -=_Iva Byte_=—Yes, all men are like that. - - * * * * * - -=_Gracey_=—No, Gracey, I don’t walk in my sleep. I take carfare to bed -with me. - - * * * * * - -A NATIONAL BIRD IS THE EAGLE—WITH THE STORK A CLOSE SECOND. - - * * * * * - -Essence of Joy, By Gum - -By L. J. Messenger - - Please kiss me, dear, the youth insisted, - As ’round her waist, his arms he twisted. - I will, says she, if you’ll agree - To buy some chewing gum for me. - So the youth was wise and bought the gum, - And told his dearie he wanted one. - All right, he heard her softly sigh, - The gum for me you’ll ne’er deny. - Now this is a thing I’ve never done, - Kisses, my dear, I always shun, - But I know I’ll like them as well as you, - If they’re as good as the gum I chew. - So she sat right down upon a chair, - She chewed her gum and fussed her hair, - And the nearer she came to the “bargained fun” - The faster she chewed her chewing gum. - Suddenly she chewed with all her might, - And placed her arms around him tight, - She swallowed her gum, and cried, “Don’t miss. - I love my gum, but oh, djer kiss.” - - * * * * * - -His First Offense - -In New York City, all those who are sent to jail for thirty days are -required to take a bath. A bath attendant upon noticing that Ike -Kabibble’s person was none too clean, suddenly exclaimed: - -“Hey, there, you guy! Did you ever take a bath before?” - -“Vell,” Abe replied, “I nefer vas arrested before.” - - * * * * * - - She said to him beneath the tree, - “Well, I’ll love you if you love me.” - The kiss he gave with love did burn, - She gave him ditto in return. - - - - -_Arthur Neale’s Page_ - - - _I joined a Frisco schooner—a good ship, I was told;_ - _Bound for Sydney, New South Wales, with lumber in the hold._ - _We’d left the South behind, boys; began to feel the swell,_ - _When the mate looked in the fo’c’sle. I said: “Mister, go away.”_ - - * * * * * - -Fascinated by the spell of the Smokehouse Poetry, and having sailed the -seven seas and visited most every place East and West of Suez, including -Hoboken, N. J., we wished to show the doubting Gus that we also could -string together that line of verse. Hence the above. When we got to the -fourth line, however, we grew tired and finished it up. - - * * * * * - -Gus writes us that he went to St. Paul the other day. He met a girl and -they went into a movie. He says she sat there with her arm around his -waist, and after she’d said good-bye he found it had been in his pocket -as well. - - * * * * * - -’Tis better to have loved and lost when you read of some of the mean -things they say in the divorce court. - - * * * * * - - “Now while you were at college, my son, - Tell me of some of the things you done. - I hope you kept off the cards and vice?” - “Certainly, father; I only played dice.” - “And you didn’t go to the races each day?” - “We bet right in school. They were so far away.” - “You don’t smoke cigarettes? I said it’s not right.” - “No. What I smoke, dad, are cigars and a pipe.” - “You didn’t go round with boys who were tough?” - “I went with the girls. But I never was rough.” - “You didn’t sneak out and do drinking by stealth?” - “Oh, nothing like that. I made it myself.” - “You mean to say you’ve taken a nip?” - “Sure. If you want a drink there’s some on my hip.” - “You never went to a midnight revue?” - “No. I went with the chorus when they were through.” - “I hope you didn’t get fighting, my son?” - “No one would try it. I carried a gun.” - “I suppose in all sport you took a delight?” - “Yes. I used to like dancing without any light.” - “Of course you took part in the baseball game?” - “I didn’t like baseball. It’s rather too tame.” - “You didn’t go help your club try and win?” - “No. I’d much rather help a girl try and swim.” - “And how much learning, my boy, can you show?” - “I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know.” - “I’m glad to see that my son is a man.” - “Yes. I can do more than you ever can.” - “My boy, I see you’re a lad of my heart.” - “All right—make it Paris. When do we start?” - - * * * * * - -The Sphere Feminine - - They talk about a woman’s sphere - As though it had a limit; - There’s not a place in earth or heaven, - There’s not a task to mankind given; - There’s not a blessing or a woe, - There’s not a whispered yes or no; - There’s not a life, there’s not a birth, - That has a feather’s weight of worth— - Without some woman in it! - - * * * * * - -Certainty - - Is it you I love, dear? - I can scarcely tell, - When you smile, your eyes, dear, - Make me think of Nell. - When you’re sad, your mouth, dear, - Makes me think of Sue, - But, dearest, when I kiss you - I am surely sure it’s you. - - - - -_Our Winter Annual_ - - -In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s -Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal -will contain a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingled, pot -pourri, stories, and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of -1921-22, will contain four times as much reading matter as the regular -issue of the Whiz Bang and will sell for one dollar per copy. It will be -a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and will -contain the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. -Included in the list will be: - - Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Bar-room Floor, The - Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl - in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice - to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy - LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim. - -Advance orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in -which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today -with your check, money order or stamps. - - Whiz Bang, - Robbinsdale, Minnesota. - - Gentlemen: - - Enclosed is check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which - please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, - “Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.” - - Name.............................................. - - Address........................................... - - - - -[Illustration: Breezy Point Lodge _at Pequot_ - -“_Queen Summer Resort of the Northern Pines of Minnesota_”] - -_Whiz Bang Bill Announces The Opening of the Queen Summer Resort of the -Northern Pines of Minnesota_ - -The new summer home of Pedro, Marigold, Gus the hired man, and Ye Editor -has been established among the big pines of northern Minnesota, on the -sandy shore of Big Pelican Lake, and invites the summer vacationists -to come and enjoy life in the open. Twenty new log cabins completely -furnished for housekeeping, electric lights, running water, large cabin -club house, bathing, canoeing, motor boating, fishing, trap shooting, -wild game hunting in season, dancing, tennis and aerial sports. Breezy -Point Aeroplane makes regular passenger flights from the Twin Cities to -this oasis in the northern forest. Located 160 miles north of Minneapolis -over the Jefferson Highway and the Minnesota Scenic Highway. - -For further information write to - -W. H. FAWCETT, _Owner_ - -Pequot or Robbinsdale, Minn. - - - - -_Everywhere!_ - - -_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents -single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the -publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year. - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Vol. 2, No. -23, August, 1921, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CAPTAIN BILLY'S WHIZ BANG, AUG. 1921 *** - -***** This file should be named 61115-0.txt or 61115-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/1/1/1/61115/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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