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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd35dc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60973 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60973) diff --git a/old/60973-0.txt b/old/60973-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a59f6aa..0000000 --- a/old/60973-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3591 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1. - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: December 20, 2019 [EBook #60973] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' VAUDEVILLE JOKES #1 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Sue Clark, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - WEHMAN BROS.’ - VAUDEVILLE - JOKES - No. 1. - - - PUBLISHED BY - WEHMAN BROS., 126 Park Row, - NEW YORK. - - Copyright, MCMVII, by WEHMAN BROS. - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ BOOK ON HOW TO BECOME AN American Citizen - -PRICE 15 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -This new and revised edition has been compiled to the present time, -and contains valuable information for a foreigner to know before -becoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This practical volume -embraces the following, viz:--Declaration of Independence--Articles -of Confederation--Constitution of the United States--Time required to -procure residence in the United States, and the States of the United -States--Declaration of Allegiance--Proof of Residence--Admission of -Aliens--Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, -District and State Supreme Courts--Costs of Fees, etc. It is -well-printed, on a good quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, -and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of -=15 Cents=. - ---> _Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY -ORDER._ - ---> _FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED._ - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ - -Vaudeville Jokes No. 1. - - -The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the summer the iceman’s -harvest, so that it’s possible the milkman finds his greatest profit in -the spring. - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a grocer who uses false weights and a -highwayman? - -The tradesman lies in weight, while the highwayman lies in wait. - - * * * * * - -I saw Romeo and Juliet in a restaurant last night. Juliet ordered some -soft-shelled crabs and Romeo ordered a cup of tea. Now, the question -arises, does Rome-o for what Juli-et? - - * * * * * - -You know my girl? Her name is Plaster. I go to court Plaster every -night. She is a poor girl, but there are lots of other girls as por-ous -Plaster. I took her out riding the other day, when the horse ran away -and threw her out and broke her leg in four places, and her arm in -three places. I got some sticking plaster and put on her leg and arm, -and then carried her home. Next morning she wouldn’t speak to me. - -Why not? - -She was too stuck up. - - * * * * * - -How old did you say your daughter was? - -Twenty-two. - -Gracious, but she’s young for her age. - - * * * * * - -George Washington was the bravest man in the world. He was never licked -in his life. - -Oh, yes he was; he was licked on a postage stamp. - -Then they had to do it behind his back. - - * * * * * - -It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get up again? - -Of course it does, in dew time. - - * * * * * - -I dared to go up on Broadway to-day and a team ran over me. Just as I -was getting up, the driver shouted: “Look out!” - -And what did you say? - -I said: “Are you coming back?” - - * * * * * - -I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the -congregation and said if I didn’t get my umbrella I would come here -next Sunday and mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning when -I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas. - - * * * * * - -If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will have to diet. - -What color do you prefer? - - * * * * * - -When you put on your stockings, why are you sure to make a mistake? - -Because you put your foot in it. - - * * * * * - -“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?” - -“You did not. Tell me about it.” - -“No use--there’s nothing in it.” - - * * * * * - -“The President is going to have his name stamped on eighty million -toothpicks.” - -“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.” - - * * * * * - -When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver with me. - -Don’t you do it. - -Why? - -Because it will melt where you are going. - - * * * * * - -Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right. - -I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday when he said you -were a blooming idiot? - - * * * * * - -The young man in love doesn’t care so much about having a yacht at sea -as having a little smack ashore. - - * * * * * - -How do you spell mule? - -M-l-e. - -That isn’t right; you left something out. - -Yes. I left _you_ out. - - * * * * * - -“How are you to-day?” - -“Oh, I can’t kick.” - -“Thought you were ill.” - -“I am--I have the gout.” - - * * * * * - -A little girl went to the drug store for some pills. - -“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s my uncle,” replied the -little girl. - - * * * * * - -That’s my umbrella you have there. - -Well, I got it in a pawnshop. - -Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day. - - * * * * * - -“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, did not have -a pair of shoes to cover his feet.” - -“And when was that, pray?” - -“At the time he was bathing.” - - * * * * * - -How do you like my suit? - -A beautiful suit; who made it? - -Carrie Nation. - -Why, is she a tailor? - -Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close. - - * * * * * - -What are you crying about? - -A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out of the carriage, and he -has been laid up for six months. - -Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible accident, too; only his -was different; he ran away with the horse. He’s laid up now for six -years. - - * * * * * - -What are you doing now? - -I’m brakes-man on a canal boat. - -What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal boat? - -Breaking up wood for the cook. - - * * * * * - -I see they are going to have umbrellas made square. - -What for? - -Because they are not safe to leave a-round. - - * * * * * - -Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a whiskey firm to -name a new brand after him. No doubt it will be a good liquor to make -strong punches with. - - * * * * * - -“And now that we are married, dear, how do you think I will strike your -mother?” - -“Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin abusing mother right -away, are you?” - - * * * * * - -Did you hear about it--my wife is married. - -To whom? - -Why, to me, of course. - - * * * * * - -Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike? - -I don’t know. - -They are both sheeneys. - - * * * * * - -“Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the street, “what do you -take for a heavy cold?” “A fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he -passed on. - - * * * * * - -_Mrs. Peck_ (hearing a racket in the hall)--What are you up to now, -Henry? - -_Mr. Peck_ (feebly)--I’m not up to anything, my dear. I just fell down -stairs. - - * * * * * - -I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, and the conductor -came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on -the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to New -York again. I got on another train and went out about thirty miles, and -the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, -you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk back to New York -again. I got on another train, and, of course, was mad and began to -swear; a minister, sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, stop -your swearing. Do you know you are on the road to hell?” I said: “Here -I am on the wrong train again,” and I had to get off. - - * * * * * - -“You would be a good dancer but for two things.” - -“What are they?” - -“Your feet.” - - * * * * * - -_Gas Man_--Hello! Tom, what are you doing these days? - -_Pork Packer_--I’m in the meat business. What are you doing? - -_Gas Man_--I go you one degree better. I’m in the meter business. - - * * * * * - -I went fishing to-day. - -What did you catch? - -I caught a good eel. - -While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water six feet deep. - -Oh, come off the perch. - - * * * * * - -I see your sister is getting quite stout now. - -Yes; she is working in a studio. - -What has that got to do with it? - -Why, she works in the developing room. - - * * * * * - -Who was George Washington’s father? - -Who? - -Old man Washington, of course. - - * * * * * - -I’m surprised at you squandering so much money on a phonograph. - -Well, money talks, you know. - - * * * * * - -“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!” - -“What’s the matter now?” - -“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper Trust?” - - * * * * * - -Do you attend the bicycle school now? - -No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils up there. - - * * * * * - -If a man should cut off his knee, where would he go to get another one? - -Where? - -To Africa. - -Why? - -That’s where the ne-groes. - - * * * * * - -How is your wife now? - -Oh, she’s all right, I guess. - -She’s got you guessing, eh? - - * * * * * - -“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s -where I got acquainted with him.” - - * * * * * - -I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture. - -What did he say? - -Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose painted! - - * * * * * - -_Benedict_--“I’ve been carrying the baby around the door for a week -back.” - -_Bachelor_--“Carrying the baby for a week back? Pshaw! That’s no remedy -at all. What you want for a weak back is a porous plaster.” - - * * * * * - -I went black-berrying to-day. - -You did? - -Yes. I went to a colored funeral. - - * * * * * - -“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?” - -“She gave me a turndown.” - - * * * * * - -The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will make it hot for us. - -Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor has ever done. - - * * * * * - -I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he had his bridle on and -couldn’t eat a bit. - - * * * * * - -“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do I; only somebody else -generally has the fun.” - - * * * * * - -“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you take your medicine -without crying?” “No; but she gives me something if I don’t.” - - * * * * * - -“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the -morning and bang things about because the coffee is cold?” _Wife_: “I -would make it hot for you.” - - * * * * * - -“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? How did you come out?” -“Through the window!” - - * * * * * - -“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” “I am, my dear--as -little as possible.” - - * * * * * - -_Emmy_--“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but not the least idea -what I am to go in. What would you wear if you had my complexion?” -_Fanny_--“A thick veil.” - - * * * * * - -I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in two months. - -How is that? - -He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times. - - * * * * * - -“Were you moved when the old gentleman said you could never marry his -daughter?” “Yes; I was moved half way across the sidewalk.” - - * * * * * - -“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.” - - * * * * * - -“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a -double chin?” - - * * * * * - -“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between -five and a half and six feet.” - - * * * * * - -“How do you make chickens good fighters?” - -“Feed them scraps.” - - * * * * * - -A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself -up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had -fallen off. - - * * * * * - -Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light. - - * * * * * - -“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer -of a witness in an assault and battery case. - -“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.” - -“What next?” - -“Two glasses of whiskey.” - -“Next?” - -“One glass of brandy.” - -“Next?” - -“A FIGHT.” - - * * * * * - -“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper. - -“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door. - -“Cut it out,” cried the scissors. - -“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet. - -“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror. - -“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write -for mine.” - -“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters. - -Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot -under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the -matter, went out. - - * * * * * - -“So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to -wait long for a husband, did you?” - -“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.” - - * * * * * - -There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all -the prisoners “broke out.” - - * * * * * - -At dinner the other day there was a young lady dining opposite me. -I asked her to pass the ice-cream. She did so and I took one big -spoonful. I cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young lady -asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was thinking of old times and -a brother who was hung in Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took -a spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she was crying and she -said: “I’m crying because you weren’t hung the same time your brother -was.” - - * * * * * - -An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had an “early fall.” - - * * * * * - -Is your father still running a bunco game? - -My father runs a hotel. - -Well, that’s the same thing,--he’s bunking people. - - * * * * * - -My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel yesterday. - - * * * * * - -What is a strait? - -A rubber-neck. - -No, it is a neck running out to sea. - -Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck? - - * * * * * - -Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result was a “draw.” A -man who was doing some “bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them -arrested. One was discharged because he had a “pull” with the judge; -the other dentist is now “filling” in time. - - * * * * * - -“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.” - -“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just beginning!” - - * * * * * - -A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and settled in Canada. - - * * * * * - -“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” “Why, you said you -always have to buy flies when you go fishing.” - - * * * * * - -A church choir played a game of ball the other day. The preacher came -out to the ground to compare “notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when -the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went home “alto”-gether. - - * * * * * - -“My husband has given up smoking.” - -“It must have taken some will-power.” - -“All I had.” - - * * * * * - -“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, as he bought the ice -cream for the girls on the piazza. - -“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat to-morrow.” - - * * * * * - -Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee? - -No. - -That settles it. - - * * * * * - -“What’s the difference between the mumps and the measles?” - -“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles you break out.” - - * * * * * - -_Inventor_--If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll-- - -_Wife_ (alarmed)--W-what, Frank? - -_Inventor_--Have to! - - * * * * * - -“What drove you to drink?” - -“Thirst.” - - * * * * * - -A colored man by the name of Berry was working for a farmer (who was -somewhat of a wag). Addressing him one morning, he said, “Go gather in -the straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the goose, Berry; the -older ones the elder, Berry; the girls the black, Berry, and don’t look -so blue, Berry.” - - * * * * * - -“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.” - -“Oh, yes, twice.” - -“Twice?” - -“Yes, once when we first met and another time she hit me on the head -with a rolling pin.” - - * * * * * - -“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy day?” - -“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.” - - * * * * * - -Two young ladies took a long tramp through the woods. Who brought him -back? - - * * * * * - -“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?” - -“Coming, sir--half a minute.” - -“Confound you! How slow you are.” - -“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.” - - * * * * * - -“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool--why, I shivered.” - - * * * * * - -I went out to the races and bet. - -How did you come out? - -At the gate. - - * * * * * - -“How old are you?” - -“Some take me for fifteen.” - -“Street cars take me for five.” - - * * * * * - -“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.” - -“What is he, a pawnbroker?” - -“No, he’s a bartender.” - - * * * * * - -“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this morning?” - -“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.” - -“Oh, your mother?” - -“No, my washwoman.” - - * * * * * - -Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? - -Sure I do. - -Glue it to the floor. - - * * * * * - -If I ever hit you, you will never forget it. - -If I ever hit you, you will never remember it. - - * * * * * - -Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? To keep the calf from -the corn. - - * * * * * - -“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars fine for smoking.” - -“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.” - - * * * * * - -“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.” - -“On the dead?” - - * * * * * - -“What are you doing now?” - -“I’m working on the town clock.” - -“If that’s so you must be working overtime.” - - * * * * * - -A girl goes into a store to buy garters. - -“What kind?” - -“Rubber.” - -“I’d lose my job if I did.” - - * * * * * - -“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an orphan asylum.” - -“Yes.” - -“What did he leave?” - -“Fifteen children.” - - * * * * * - -“Do you know ping-pong?” - -“Sure! He washes my shirts.” - - * * * * * - -There was a German friend of mine who was quite sick for some time. -The doctor told him he might eat anything he wanted. He told his -wife he believed he would like some Limburger cheese. His wife was a -good-hearted woman; she went out and got twenty pounds of this distinct -cheese, and put some in every room in the house, that he might get a -nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the aroma in that house). -The doctor called the next morning, and rang the bell; when the servant -opened the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, “When did he -die?” - - * * * * * - -“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.” - -“If you do I’ll put words to it.” - - * * * * * - -Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco. - -What kind of tobacco is that? - -Chewing. - - * * * * * - -When a man longs for money he is generally short. - - * * * * * - -“You have a big head this morning.” - -“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.” - -“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!” - -“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water just the same as you can -on land.” - - * * * * * - -A GIRL WANTED (in a bakery).--A _rising_ young woman from the -(y)east, must be _floury_ in speech, well _bread_ and not inclined -to _loaf_, not get _mixed up_, be _pie_-us and sober. To such a one -her _dough_ will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl able -to _cracker_ joke and _kneeding_ this job may apply to Miss LADY -FINGER or LUKE WARMWATER. - -_Doughnut_ come unless well recommended. One preferred who can _roll -up_ and _turn over bun_-dles so quickly as to take the _cake_, but not -be _tart_, _snap_-py or _crust_-y or _puff_unctory in her conduct. - - * * * * * - -“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?” - -“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you know, if she went in -without it.” - - * * * * * - -“Does your wife miss you much?” - -“No; she can throw as straight as I can.” - - * * * * * - -“Did you ever see a pig wash?” - -“No, but I saw pig iron.” - - * * * * * - -“How is your farm this year?” - -“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they couldn’t see to grow.” - - * * * * * - -_She_--I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can’t find it -anywhere. - -_He_--Did you look among the Vs, dear? - - * * * * * - -I would never play poker with a dentist. - -Why not? - -It’s too easy for him to draw and fill. - - * * * * * - -“Well, Tom, what are you working at now?” - -“Nutting.” - -“Nothing--well, that’s a healthy occupation for a big man.” - -“Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting nuts on bolts, ain’t -that nutting?” - - * * * * * - -I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. - -That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the -beer settle. - - * * * * * - -“I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.” - -“Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married a little over a year.” - -“I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.” - - * * * * * - -What did the Judge say when you sassed him? - -He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty days. - - * * * * * - -Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a pair of silk hose. -I told her that Ten Dollars was too much to pay for a pair of silk -stockings. She said she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she -wanted something to show for her money. - - * * * * * - -Did you ever hear a fairy story? - -Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who pinched his watch. - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a cat and a match? - -A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its head. - - * * * * * - -“I saw a freak of nature yesterday.” - -“What was it?” - -“A baby born with human hands and bear feet.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your wife a victim of bargain days?” - -“No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.” - - * * * * * - -“Horrible fire in the shoe factory.” - -“Any lives lost?” - -“A thousand souls” (soles). - - * * * * * - -Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty 11 inches long? - -I don’t know. - -Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been a foot. - - * * * * * - -“My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.” - -“That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp with his nose.” - - * * * * * - -“What would you do if I should kiss you?” - -“I should call for help?” - -“H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?” - - * * * * * - -“Do you think there is any danger in going up in a balloon?” - -“Not half as much as there is in coming down.” - - * * * * * - -“I married my typewriter.” - -“Why?” - -“So I can dictate to her.” - - * * * * * - -My wife gave birth to triplets. - -Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding? - - * * * * * - -“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked. - -She nodded her sweet permission; - -So we went to press, and I rather guess - -I printed a large edition. - - * * * * * - -“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.” - -“What does he do?” - -“Hires root beer.” - - * * * * * - -“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through -the mattress and fell into the spring.” - - * * * * * - -“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.” - -“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and -sixty.” - - * * * * * - -“Are you still following the races?” - -“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.” - - * * * * * - -“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?” - -“O, he’s gone into real estate.” - -“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.” - -“It was; he’s dead.” - - * * * * * - -When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to -cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to -go to church right away. - - * * * * * - -_Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle! - -_Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a -little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer? - - * * * * * - -“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a -blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.” - -“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk -back?” - -“No, I rode back in an ambulance.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your sister ever out of temper?” - -“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.” - - * * * * * - -“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as he came in. - -“About one.” - -Just then the clock struck three. - -“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” he asked, with a -feeble attempt at justification and a joke. - - * * * * * - -“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you wore last winter?” - -“They have gone to the wall.” - -“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?” - -“Yes, but the patent expired.” - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a man and a hen? - -A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without burning himself, and a -hen can’t. - - * * * * * - -My brother had over fifty thousand men under him. - -He must have been a great general. - -No, he was in a balloon. - - * * * * * - -I wish that the good Lord had made me a man. - -Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet. - - * * * * * - -“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.” - -“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.” - -“Oh, I only fell off the first round.” - - * * * * * - -“There was a fight at the baker shop.” - -“What caused it?” - -“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.” - - * * * * * - -“Do you know my brother?” - -“Which one, the one with the smooth face?” - -“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted to beat his wife -last night, and two policemen rushed in just in time to prevent murder.” - -“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?” - -“No, to the hospital.” - - * * * * * - -If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens say? - -I don’t know; what would they say? - -Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade. - - * * * * * - -I used to work in a watch factory. - -What did you do? - -I made faces. - - * * * * * - -“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired the old lady in -the Grand Central depot. - -“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.” - -“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a depot?” - -“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas solemnly. - - * * * * * - -How did that sausage that you ate agree with you? - -It hurt my liver wurst. - - * * * * * - -A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in the gallery of the -church pelting the hearers in the pews below with horse chestnuts. As -the good man looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your preaching, -Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.” - - * * * * * - -“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your wife had?” - -“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.” - -“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that you beat her.” - - * * * * * - -We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We take it away from her. - - * * * * * - -“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?” - -“Flushing Long Island.” - - * * * * * - -“They say that whiskey has killed more men than bullets.” - -“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, wouldn’t you?” - - * * * * * - -“Hello, is this you, Doctor?” - -“Yes,” says Doctor. - -“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up at once and help me to -pull her through.” - - * * * * * - -Beer always makes me fat. - -Beer makes me lean--against telegraph poles and houses. - - * * * * * - -“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” asked the doubting -customer. - -“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” said the shop girl, -“and they are not broken yet. And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m -engaged.” - - * * * * * - -“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.” - -“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once on water.” - -“On water! and you lived?” - -“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a canal boat.” - - * * * * * - -“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.” - -“Why?” - -“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.” - - * * * * * - -A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood and thereupon -asked him where he supposed he’d go if he told such stories. The -janitor replied that wherever he went he expected he’d be making fires -for the school-teachers. - - * * * * * - -A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The minister said: -“You see what drink does.” - -_Drunken Barber_--“Yes. It makes the skin verra tender.” - - * * * * * - -I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in Chicago. A street-car -run over a little girl and cut both of her hands off. I ran to her and -was going to pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!” - - * * * * * - -“How’s your brother?” - -“Why, my brother is away for three years.” - -“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.” - -“Well, my brother’s smart.” - -“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.” - -“Well, you never mind my brother.” - -“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding him.” - - * * * * * - -“Where do you think I got this collar?” - -“Where?” - -“Around my neck.” - - * * * * * - -“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t know how to get it over -here.” - -“Well, just sit down and think it over.” - - * * * * * - -A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If your people want to see -a big hog, come out to my farm and ask for me.” - - * * * * * - -“Ma, what is an angel?” - -“An angel is one that flies.” - -“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.” - -“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.” - - * * * * * - -I can’t sing since I worked for a baker. - -Why not? - -I can’t get any higher than dough. - - * * * * * - -“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?” - -“He pulled my leg.” - - * * * * * - -“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.” - -“Why is that?” - -“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.” - - * * * * * - -“They say that Eve is the only woman that never looked behind her to -see what the other woman had on. But then you know she was only a side -issue.” - - * * * * * - -I took a prize once on these roller skates. - -How did you do it? - -The man wasn’t looking. - - * * * * * - -Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced recently as -“fifteen cents” (three nickels). - - * * * * * - -“Did your sister marry a rich husband?” - -“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.” - - * * * * * - -“What’s your occupation?” - -“I’m janitor of a car.” - -“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. I’ve heard of the -janitor of a flat.” - -“Well, this is a flat car.” - - * * * * * - -I cut my dog’s tail off. - -Did it make any difference with his carriage? - -No, but it stopped his wagon. - - * * * * * - -The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat beside the pretty girl -was vacant. Going over, he said: “Is this seat engaged?” - -“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you any good.” - - * * * * * - -“No more parlor matches. They’re against the law,” said Reginald. - -“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily leading the way. - - * * * * * - -“I did a good thing to-day.” - -“Where did you meet him?” - - * * * * * - -“How long was your father in the penitentiary?” - -“Ten years.” - -“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were they?” - -“No, you have to take your time there.” - - * * * * * - -The other day I started on a business trip and told my wife I would not -be home that night. I missed the train and arrived home at about eleven -o’clock. My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that you, Jack?” -I remain at home now. - -P. S.--My name is Bill. - - * * * * * - -“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said the office boy’s -mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised for a strong boy and that’s -what he is----” - -“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; “in the single day -he was here he broke all the rules of this office and some of the -furniture.” - - * * * * * - -A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell me if I can get -through this gate to the park?” - -He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went through.” - - * * * * * - -When your wife died, did she leave you any real estate? - -Yes, she left the earth. - - * * * * * - -My wife dresses out of sight. - -That’s the proper place for her to dress. - - * * * * * - -_Widson_--I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry his typewriter? - -_Booler_--Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying for years to get a -typewriter of his own? - - * * * * * - -“Is your watch all right, now?” - -“No, but it’s gaining.” - - * * * * * - -George Little has a wife and nine children and only earns eight dollars -a week but he gets along splendidly. - -How does he manage to do it on such a small salary? - -Why, every little helps. - - * * * * * - -The other day an ear of corn was run over by an automobile and three -kernels were killed. - - * * * * * - -_She_--We haven’t seen much of you this week. - -_He_--I saw a good deal--at least I saw you--er--last Tuesday. - -_She_--Did you? Where was I? Cycling? - -_He_--Not at the moment. You were just falling over the handles. - - * * * * * - -I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come from miles around to -see him cut up, he’s a butcher, and he always dresses to kill. - - * * * * * - -“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual motion.” - -“What does he model it on?” - -“His wife’s tongue.” - - * * * * * - -Are you a carpenter? - -Yes. - -How would you make a Venetian blind? - -Punch him in the eye. - - * * * * * - -There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch table and mamma divided -it between Willie and Elsie. Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate. - -“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my pudding when you haven’t -any. Take Elsie’s.” - - * * * * * - -“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the dead-letter office?” - -“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so perfectly killing.” - - * * * * * - -Do you know that my little dog is dead? - -I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else -went up the alley and died by the yard. - -Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot. - - * * * * * - -_Husband_--Why are you so angry at the doctor? - -_Wife_--When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, he told me to -show him my tongue. - - * * * * * - -In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot while filing the bars -of his cell in an effort to escape. The pistol failed to explode and -the prisoner finally dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol -refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a second, then with -great presence of mind, he raised both hands and exclaimed in a tone of -horror: “My God! He’s swallowed the file!” - - * * * * * - -Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence. - -All right. Come along with me to the nearest prison. - - * * * * * - -“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.” - -“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his -widow and children.” - - * * * * * - -My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very -well together. - -Why don’t she get a transfer? - - * * * * * - -“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before -turning on the _x_-rays. - - * * * * * - -_Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime? - -_Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye. - -_Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel. - - * * * * * - -“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to -hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there -with the cigar, all right.” - -“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.” - -“No? What was he?” - -“A cigar-holder.” - - * * * * * - -“Doesn’t her hair look killing?” - -“No wonder; it’s dyed.” - - * * * * * - -“If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.” - -“Bring it over to the house fish day.” - - * * * * * - -“How did you get your start in life?” - -“My little sister shoved me downstairs.” - -“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?” - -“I made all of my money selling wisdom.” - -“Oh, then you were a bookseller.” - -“No, I was a bookmaker.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?” - -“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.” - - * * * * * - -“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.” - -“The river?” - -“The installment jeweler’s bill.” - - * * * * * - -The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no -bettor. - - * * * * * - -I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the -scent of my feet. - -Why don’t you take a bath and fool him? - - * * * * * - -“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see -what I’m a-doin’ of?” - -“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.” - -“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody -axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to -the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.” - - * * * * * - -_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the -house in the morning and when I come home at night. - -_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you. - - * * * * * - -“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the -family.” - -“Why, dear?” - -“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa -say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’” - - * * * * * - -“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?” - -“What does?” - -“A nickel and a quarter.” - - * * * * * - -“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?” - -“Oh, he’s taken up with it.” - - * * * * * - -_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone! - -_Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked? - -_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn. - - * * * * * - -Where are you living now? - -Up in the tenth story of a brick building. - -Have you got any children? - -No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them. - - * * * * * - -“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but -cow-hide!” - -“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper. - -“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?” - -“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the -other boys.” - - * * * * * - -_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?” - -_Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?” - -_Guest_--“No.” - -_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?” - - * * * * * - -Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move? - -I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana -stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly. - - * * * * * - -Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If -he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And -there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his -mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay. - - * * * * * - -Is the Lord everywhere? - -Yes, my child. - -Is he in our cellar? - -Yes, dear. - -He is not. We have no cellar. - - * * * * * - -A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head -and tail on the same end. - - * * * * * - -_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away? - -_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding. - -_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house? - -_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty. - - * * * * * - -“What makes you so foolish?” - -“It’s my mother’s fault.” - -“Why, how is that?” - -“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.” - - * * * * * - -“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board; -“will you mind it?” - -“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you -think I’m a nurse?” - - * * * * * - -“What did you get that bronze medal for?” - -“For singing.” - -“What did you get the gold one for?” - -“For quitting.” - - * * * * * - -“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.” - -“Yes. In a millinery store?” - -“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with -cold.” - - * * * * * - -_Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.” - -_Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this -place’ll be stirred up.” - -_Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?” - -_Rube_--“Ploughin’.” - - * * * * * - -“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She -wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will -you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’” - -“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’” - - * * * * * - -“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.” - -“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.” - - * * * * * - -What is your business? - -I am a diamond cutter. - -Where did you ever cut any diamonds? - -Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the grass off of the diamond. - - * * * * * - -A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look at it and she said, -“Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I thought it was real.” - - * * * * * - -“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.” - -“What was the color of her hair?” - -“I didn’t notice her face.” - - * * * * * - -How do you like married life? - -Oh, I live like a bird. - -How is that? - -I have to fly for my life. - - * * * * * - -“They say that the blind can determine color by the sense of touch?” - -“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to tell a red-hot stove by -merely putting his finger on it.” - - * * * * * - -“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?” - -“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t lose.” - - * * * * * - -“Is that punch bowl cut glass?” - -“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.” - - * * * * * - -“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that face?’ I told him -that it belonged to me, and he said he didn’t know but that I’d beat a -bull-dog out of it. The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor -his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his teeth.” - - * * * * * - -“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He never buys any coal. He -lives near a railroad and makes faces at the engineer.” - - * * * * * - -“I saw your sister on the street to-day.” - -“How was she looking?” - -“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.” - -“How did you know it was my sister?” - -“Oh, I’m quick at figures.” - - * * * * * - -“What do you take for the grip?” - -“Oh, I get it without taking anything.” - - * * * * * - -You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry? - -Yes. - -I pawned it for five dollars. - -That’s time wasted. - - * * * * * - -_Old Lady_ (sniffing)--“What’s that odor I smell?” - -_Farmer_--“That’s fertilizer.” - -_Old Lady_ (astonished)--“For the land’s sake!” - -_Farmer_--“Yes, ma’am.” - - * * * * * - -I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who came to take my order -said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and--” I -interrupted her. I said, “You ought to see a doctor.” - - * * * * * - -When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with -him? - -I suppose they get him a bed of his own. - -No. They boycott him. - - * * * * * - -_Critic_--Your work seems a little raw. - -_Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough. - - * * * * * - -My sister’s husband got a divorce from her. - -What for? - -For making bad coffee. - -That was poor grounds. - - * * * * * - -_Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon. - -_Jill_--Because he’s out late nights? - -_Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full. - - * * * * * - -“We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.” - -“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks -like!” - - * * * * * - -“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the -mother the third time. - -“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature. - -And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope -Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.” - - * * * * * - -“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?” - -“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?” - -“Yes.” - -“I could see his pupils.” - - * * * * * - -“I’m following the horses now.” - -“Are you beating them?” - -“No. I lost my whip.” - - * * * * * - -“You remind me of a river.” - -“How so?” - -“The biggest part of you is your mouth.” - - * * * * * - -“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.” - -“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never -noticed me.” - - * * * * * - -_Myra_--“What kind of a husband would you advise me to get?” - -_Jessie_--“You get a single man and let the husbands alone.” - - * * * * * - -_Hiram_--“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when yew got buncoed by -thet there confidence feller.” - -_Josh_--“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?” - - * * * * * - -“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. Why, she could carry -him in her pocket.” - -“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket all the time after he -marries her.” - - * * * * * - -“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?” - -“Oh, about three seconds.” - -“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?” - -“No limit.” - - * * * * * - -“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?” - -“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.” - - * * * * * - -“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came over in the Mayflower,” -said Miss South Church. - -“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not quite understand. “Our -folks made their fortune in September wheat.” - - * * * * * - -What is an Island? - -A pimple on the Ocean. - -What is a strait? - -Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King. - - * * * * * - -“What did you steal that cradle for?” - -“Oh, just for a kid.” - - * * * * * - -“Why, the bare idea!” - -“Of what, dear?” - -“Telling the naked truth!” - - * * * * * - -“Are you going to the seashore this summer?” - -“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last year.” - -“Not enough men?” - -“No; too many mosquitoes.” - - * * * * * - -“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.” - -“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. See?” - - * * * * * - -“I was down to the race track yesterday and played a horse 20 to 1.” - -“Well?” - -“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.” - - * * * * * - -“Airships will be all the rage soon.” - -“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a rage.” - - * * * * * - -“Seeing is believing, you know.” - -“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom believe you.” - - * * * * * - -“What is a profitless enterprise?” - -“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.” - - * * * * * - -“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.” - -“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch in one.” - - * * * * * - -I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas City, Kan., $1 each -annually--won’t it work a hardship on them? - -They can easily scrape up the money. - - * * * * * - -“That young man who calls on you twice a week stays too late. You will -have to sit down on him.” - -“Why, I do, mamma.” - - * * * * * - -Do you know Minnie Fish? - -Yes, I’m going to drop her a line. - - * * * * * - -“Does your wife miss you when you are away from home?” - -“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at home.” - -“How’s that?” - -“Her aim isn’t accurate.” - - * * * * * - -“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.” - -“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.” - -“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize with the tailor.” - - * * * * * - -Did you hear about Waters the iceman? - -No! what about him? - -Why, he went on the stage. - -Was he a success? - -No, he was a frost. - - * * * * * - -“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You acted like a fish out of -water.” - -“Yes, I was a sucker.” - - * * * * * - -“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine to-day?” - -“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.” - - * * * * * - -“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.” - -“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.” - - * * * * * - -“My, but you have large ears!” - -“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.” - - * * * * * - -“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?” - -“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.” - - * * * * * - -“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?” - -“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the -rest.” - - * * * * * - -“What are you crying about?” - -“Oh, they are not regular tears.” - -“What are they, then?” - -“They’re just volunteers.” - - * * * * * - -I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots -of dust. - -Yes, he was a street-sweeper. - - * * * * * - -“Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?” - -“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.” - - * * * * * - -“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?” - -“Yes, husband.” - -“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?” - - * * * * * - -“We had short-cake for tea.” - -“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!” - - * * * * * - -“Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?” - -“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!” - - * * * * * - -Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him -to drink. How different it is with men! - - * * * * * - -_Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?” - -_Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he -punched the ticket.” - - * * * * * - -_Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies? - -_S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.” - - * * * * * - -Do you like corn on the ear? - -I never had one there. - - * * * * * - -_Bill_--Do you think betting is wrong. - -_Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is. - - * * * * * - -“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.” - -“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?” - -“What good would it do?” - -“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the -reward.” - - * * * * * - -A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud -hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a -small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch -in a roll of yer butter.” - - * * * * * - -“What is your brother doing?” - -“Six months.” - - * * * * * - -“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?” - -“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow gave him caws.” - - * * * * * - -_Bill_--That man is a horrible liar. - -_Jill_--Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it. - - * * * * * - -“My landlord is a checker-player.” - -“What makes you think so?” - -“He told me it was my move.” - -“Yes?” - -“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me jump.” - - * * * * * - -“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.” - -“He did, but she dyed.” - - * * * * * - -You ought to learn violin. - -Why? - -It will give your chin a rest. - - * * * * * - -“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining the young man, -“seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.” - -“With my heart?” - -“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.” - -“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t -her name at all.” - - * * * * * - -“Do you know what it is to love a woman?” - -“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she married.” [Sadly.] - -“Whom did she marry?” - -“Me.” - - * * * * * - -_He_--Why has he put her picture in his watch? - -_She_--Because he thinks she will love him in time. - - * * * * * - -_She_--My but I was shy when the parson asked me my age. - -_He_--Yes, about ten years shy. - - * * * * * - -“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.” - -“Did you leave him there?” - - * * * * * - -_Jack_--“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked up for stealing -kisses?” - -_Flo_--“Well, I think he ought to be _tied_ up.” - - * * * * * - -_Young Wife_--“How do you like my cooking? Don’t you think I’ve begun -well?” - -_Husband_--“Um--yes. I’ve often heard that well begun is half done.” - - * * * * * - -“He is a dealer in drawing materials.” - -“Crayons?” - -“No, mustard plasters.” - - * * * * * - -_Harry_--Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened to me the other -day--I was riding on a Sixth Avenue car when a very fine young lady -entered the car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my seat. - -_Charlie_--That was proper, perfectly proper. - -_Harry_--Well, I only done it to see how I stood. - - * * * * * - -They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the skylight of one of -the skyscrapers. - -“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came through and landed on -the floor. - -“Scotland.” - -“How do you know?” - -“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!” - - * * * * * - -“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach last night, only for -one thing.” - -“What was that--some one take you out for dinner?” - -“No, I slept on my back.” - - * * * * * - -“Where were you?” - -“Down on Wall Street.” - -“Well, what were you doing down there?” - -“Buying wall paper.” - - * * * * * - -_She_--Yes, my husband run away and shook me when I was forty-five. - -_He_--That’s not a bad shake. - - * * * * * - -Are they twins? - -They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl. - - * * * * * - -“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?” - -“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house keeping.” - - * * * * * - -When does the bank cashier buy a yacht? - -When he’s going to be a skipper. - - * * * * * - -“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you get it twisted.” - -“What is that?” - -“A corkscrew.” - - * * * * * - -“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little Archie at dinner, on -the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh was present as the guest of honor. - -“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?” - -“Why, you told mamma this morning that you were going to bring a -‘muttonhead’ home for dinner this evening.” - - * * * * * - -I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry Herring.” I went -in and said, “Mister, do you keep dry herring?” The storekeeper said, -“Yes.” I said, “Why don’t you give them a drink?” - - * * * * * - -“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?” - -“Who?” - -“The coal man.” - - * * * * * - -_Woods_--Who is the champion light-weight in your town? - -_Lewis_--My grocer. - - * * * * * - -“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars and he gave her assent.” - -“The mean thing!” - - * * * * * - -A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. He had already got -through the first two bars, when a policeman came up and hit him with a -club. - - * * * * * - -A young man asked a widow to marry him. - -“What’s the difference between myself and Willard Pond’s Jersey cow?” -asked the widow. - -“I don’t know,” said the young man. - -“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the cow.” - - * * * * * - -“How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?” - -“It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!” - - * * * * * - -My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I put it in my pocket and -went a few steps further, and fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you -hurt?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on your tintype.” - - * * * * * - -“Waitress, will that roll be long?” - -“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.” - - * * * * * - -“The boss said I was too full of my business.” - -“What’s your biz?” - -“Whiskey traveller.” - - * * * * * - -_Biggs_--That butcher is an awkward fellow. - -_Boggs_--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh. - - * * * * * - -_Boss_ (lecturing)--And remember, when a little boy disobeys me, then I -use force. - -_Boy_--Force? - -_Boss_--Yes, force. - -_Boy_--Ever tried Grape-Nuts? - - * * * * * - -_Percy_--“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?” - -_Harold_--“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.” - - * * * * * - -“I want something striking for a wedding present.” - -“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth floor.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?” - -“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.” - - * * * * * - -A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and -told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the -money. One man said he’d give a hundred and another man said he’d give -two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand. - - * * * * * - -“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara Falls to a quart.” - -“How much?” - -“Two pints.” - - * * * * * - -Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. He said that he -heard her talk about beating the eggs, whipping the cream, stoning the -raisins, mashing the potatoes and pounding the steak. - - * * * * * - -What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an Irishman? - -When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he? - -When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him for three or four days -after. - - * * * * * - -_She_ (disgustedly)--Drunk again? - -_He_--Hic, so am I. - - * * * * * - -The fellow in the next room to me last night made an awful lot of -noise, his wooden leg pained him. - -How could that be? - -His wife hit him over the head with it. - - * * * * * - -_Percy_--“Was it because your brother took his typewriter out to lunch -that all the trouble came about?” - -_Harold_--“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because his wife found it -out.” - - * * * * * - -“How do you tell the age of a turkey?” - -“By the teeth.” - -“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!” - -“No; but I have.” - - * * * * * - -B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller a dollar outen -m’wallet and he laid me out onto a slab and derned if he didn’t scrub -me with a brick. Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and he -said: “Scouring the country for money.” - - * * * * * - -I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat there for two weeks. - -When was that? - -That was when he was in Chicago. - - * * * * * - -I always put my money under the mattress at night. - -Why? - -So I’ll have something to fall back on. - - * * * * * - -You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car to-day. - -I don’t know, what did you see? - -The conductor. - - * * * * * - -“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where did you get them?” - -“Bought ’em.” - -“Does your wife choose your clothes?” - -“No, she only picks the pockets!” - - * * * * * - -Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t he? - -Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy. - - * * * * * - -When did your teeth first begin troubling you? - -When I was cutting them. - - * * * * * - -“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.” - -“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood last night.” - -“Where?” - -“At the circus.” - - * * * * * - -If I had not defended that man he would have gone to State’s prison for -ten years. - -What did they do with him? - -They hung him. - - * * * * * - -“There’s a poor man out there that would give anything to see you.” -“Who is it?” “A blind man.” - - * * * * * - -_Tourist_--“I suppose I can’t get a train for three hours?” - -_Station Agent_--“O, yes; your train leaves in five minutes.” - -_Tourist_--“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.” - - * * * * * - -“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, who had slipped -and fallen on an icy pavement. “Going to get up!” was the blunt reply. - - * * * * * - -“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very young.” - -“And you’ve been off your base ever since.” - - * * * * * - -“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.” - -“She must have changed since she married you.” - - * * * * * - -“Why is a kiss like the three graces?” - -“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and charity to an old -maid.” - - * * * * * - -An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was lying at the point -of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! Won’t even death stop that man’s -lying?” - - * * * * * - -Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what would you do? - -I would buy a fine comb. - - * * * * * - -A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has often heard of the -_fore_ quarters of the globe, but never heard any person say anything -about the _hind_ quarters. - - * * * * * - -“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it stops, that’s no -use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards without it?” - -“Give it up.” - -“The noise!” - - * * * * * - -“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.” - -“Why?” - -“Played poker with him last night, when I got up to get a drink he -looked at my hand.” - - * * * * * - -I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I came before the judge -he said: “Young man, you’re arrested for picking the pocket of an old -man.” I said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as they came -in the crowd.” - - * * * * * - -_She_--Do you believe there are microbes in kisses? - -_He_--I never believe anything without investigation. - - * * * * * - -“My wife was very sick the other night and I thought she would die. She -moaned and groaned and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off -her.” - -“Well, what then?” - -“I put the covers back and then she recovered.” - - * * * * * - -“I want a dog-collar.” - -“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind the counter. “What -size shirt do you wear?” - - * * * * * - -“That’s a mighty becoming dress you are wearing.” - -“Becoming? Why, it hides my figure completely!” - -“That’s what I said.” - - * * * * * - -“I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?” - -“I guess it is because they’ve been married themselves and they haven’t -got the heart to laugh.” - - * * * * * - -“Please, I want to buy a dollar’s worth of hay.” - -“Is it for your father?” - -“Oh, no; it’s for the horse; father doesn’t eat hay!” - - * * * * * - -“Why didn’t you eat your breakfast this morning?” - -“’Twasn’t fit for a hog to eat.” - - - - -THE STUDENT’S Manual of Phonic Shorthand - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration: THE LORD’S PRAYER] - -The contents of this book is a complete introduction to the -Stenographic Art, as used for Business Correspondence and Verbatim -Reporting. Illustrated by Plates having Printed Keys, which are based -wholly upon a system that has been reduced to every-day practice. The -Signs are all constructed on simple plans, and can be read easier -than the plainest printed copy. Each sign indicates a sound. A boy of -12, by this method, will learn in a week what would take an adult a -year by the old way. Illustrated with Numerous Examples. Any one can, -in a short time, Report Sermons, Speeches, Trials, etc., with ease -and rapidity. Many girls and boys, from this book alone, have become -splendid Reporters, and are now receiving from $1,500 to $2,000 a year -as Expert Stenographers. You can perfect yourself in a short time, so -that you will have a Life Occupation--one that always commands a high -salary. It is not a difficult study. It will be of immense value to any -young man or woman. This is really the only Simple and Practical Book -on Shorthand published, and it will prove a profitable investment. -It will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of -=30 Cents=. - ---> _Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY -ORDER._ - ---> _FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED._ - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ _COMPLETE_ Letter-Writer - -Or the New Art of Polite Correspondence. - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -Adapted for both sexes. This is the best letter-writer published. -It teaches how to write a letter on any subject out of the writer’s -own head, or to compose a first-class, intelligent business letter, -or a love letter or a friendly letter. It gives as samples hundreds -of letters of every kind, and shows you how to carry on a long -correspondence with a lady or a gentleman--letters that will never -fail to penetrate the heart. 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It is because they need practical instruction -in letter-writing. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -=30 Cents=. - ---> _Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY -ORDER._ - ---> _FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED._ - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -Wehman Bros.’ Book of 1000 WAYS TO GET RICH - -Price 30 Cents. - -[Illustration] - -To those that work hard for a mere existence, we have a few plain words -to say. Every person wants to make money, and wants to make it fast -and easily. This book will tell them how. Many worthy people grow gray -from hard work and have nothing to show for it. It is such people we -address. Among the valuable secrets in this really great book there -are many that require no capital and but little labor with no special -ability. 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In fact, it is pre-eminently the best -and most comprehensive collection of sketches, conundrums and jokes put -on the market at so low a price. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, to -any address, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -Wehman’s Book of 700 Secrets; or How to GET RICH WHEN YOUR POCKETS -ARE EMPTY. - -Price 30 Cents. - -[Illustration] - -A $2.00 book for 30 cents. Reader, are you poor? This may be the -stepping-stone to your future prosperity. It will lead you to something -that is just as sure to pave your way to fortune as that you now exist. -A bright future is yours if you only stretch out your hand and grasp -the golden key that unlocks the vault that opens to your astonished -gaze the hidden treasure. Any person, male or female, married or -single, with just a little pluck, will be enabled with any one of the -700 receipts in this book to make a start on the sure road to wealth -and luxury. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -THE MYSTERY OF Love, Courtship and Marriage Explained - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -This book explains how maidens may become happy wives, and bachelors -become happy husbands, in a brief space of time and by easy methods. -Also, complete directions for declaring intentions, accepting vows, -and retaining affection both before and after marriage, describing -the invitations, the dresses, the ceremony, and the proper behavior -of both bride and bridegroom, whether in public or behind the nuptial -curtain. It also tells plainly how to begin courting, the way to get -over bashfulness, the way to “sit up,” the way to find the soft spot -in a sweetheart’s breast, the way to write a love letter, the way to -easily win a girl’s consent, the way to “do up things” before and after -engagement, and hundreds of other things of vast importance to lovers. -Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -Hoffman’s TRICKS WITH CARDS Price 30 Cents. - -[Illustration] - -Containing all the modern tricks, diversions and sleight-of-hand -deceptions, with descriptive diagrams, showing how to make the pass; to -force a card; to make a false shuffle; to palm a card; to ruffle the -cards; to change a card; to get sight of a drawn card; to slip a card; -to draw back a card; to turn over the pack; to spring the cards from -one hand to the other; to throw a card; simple modes of discovering -a given card; to make a card vanish from the pack and be found in a -person’s pocket; to place the four kings in different parts of the -pack, and to bring them together by a simple cut; to allow a person -to think of a card, and to make that card appear at such number in -the pack as another person shall name; to guess four cards thought -of by different persons. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -=30 Cents=. - -WEHMAN BROS., 158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY. - - - - -NAPOLEON’S =ORACULUM= AND BOOK OF FATE - -(32 QUESTIONS), - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -Being a complete fortune-teller that embraces næviology, or -fortune-telling by moles; physiognomy, or the art of fortune-telling by -the lines and forms of the face, hair, eyes, etc.; rules for finding -the natural temperament of any person. - ----- ALSO---- - -FORTUNE-TELLING BY CARDS; - -together with palmistry, or judgments drawn from the hand and from the -nails of the fingers; fortune-telling by the grounds of the coffee-cup; -charms, spells, incantations, etc.; signs of a speedy marriage and -how to choose good husbands and wives; also fortune-telling by dice, -fortunate and unfortunate days, etc. Price =30 Cents=, by mail, -postpaid. Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY. - - - - -Transcriber’s Note: - -Perceived printer errors have been changed. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' VAUDEVILLE JOKES #1 *** - -***** This file should be named 60973-0.txt or 60973-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/7/60973/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Sue Clark, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1. - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: December 20, 2019 [EBook #60973] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' VAUDEVILLE JOKES #1 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Sue Clark, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - -<div id="container"> - -<div class="figcenter width500"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="500" height="789" alt="Cover" /> -</div> - -<div class="chapter"> -<hr class="divider" /> -<h1><small>WEHMAN BROS.’</small><br /> -VAUDEVILLE<br /> -JOKES<br /> -<small>No. 1.</small></h1> - -<hr class="small" /> - -<p class="center p120">PUBLISHED BY<br /> -WEHMAN BROS., 126 Park Row,<br /> -NEW YORK.</p> - -<hr class="full" /> - -<p class="center">Copyright, MCMVII, by <span class="smcap">Wehman Bros.</span></p> -</div> - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center"><span class="p140 bold-serif">WEHMAN BROS.’</span><br /> -<span class="sans p80">BOOK ON</span><br /> -<span class="sans p80">HOW TO</span><br /> -<span class="p120 bold-serif">BECOME AN</span><br /> -<span class="p180 sans">American Citizen</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 15 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width250"> -<img src="images/citizen.jpg" width="250" height="373" alt="How to Become an American Citizen" /> -</div> - -<p>This new and revised edition has been compiled to the present -time, and contains valuable information for a foreigner to know -before becoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This -practical volume embraces the following, viz:—Declaration of -Independence—Articles of Confederation—Constitution of -the United States—Time required to procure residence in the -United States, and the States of the United States—Declaration -of Allegiance—Proof of Residence—Admission of -Aliens—Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, -District and State Supreme Courts—Costs of Fees, etc. It is -well-printed, on a good quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, -and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of -<span class="sans">15 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore"> -<span class="inline-block width34"> -<img src="images/hand.png" width="34" height="16" alt="Pointing hand" /> -</span> - <i>Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY ORDER.</i></p> - -<p class="center underscore"> -<span class="inline-block width34"> -<img src="images/hand.png" width="34" height="16" alt="Pointing hand" /> -</span> - <i>FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.</i></p> - -<p class="center sans">Address all orders to <span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS</span>., 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="chapter"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<h2>WEHMAN BROS.’<br /> -Vaudeville Jokes No. 1.</h2> - -<hr class="small" /> - -<p>The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the -summer the iceman’s harvest, so that it’s possible the -milkman finds his greatest profit in the spring.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is the difference between a grocer who uses -false weights and a highwayman?</p> - -<p>The tradesman lies in weight, while the highwayman -lies in wait.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I saw Romeo and Juliet in a restaurant last night. -Juliet ordered some soft-shelled crabs and Romeo ordered -a cup of tea. Now, the question arises, does -Rome-o for what Juli-et?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>You know my girl? Her name is Plaster. I go to -court Plaster every night. She is a poor girl, but -there are lots of other girls as por-ous Plaster. I took -her out riding the other day, when the horse ran -away and threw her out and broke her leg in four -places, and her arm in three places. I got some sticking -plaster and put on her leg and arm, and then carried -her home. Next morning she wouldn’t speak to -me.</p> - -<p>Why not?</p> - -<p>She was too stuck up.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">4</a></span> -How old did you say your daughter was?</p> - -<p>Twenty-two.</p> - -<p>Gracious, but she’s young for her age.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>George Washington was the bravest man in the -world. He was never licked in his life.</p> - -<p>Oh, yes he was; he was licked on a postage stamp.</p> - -<p>Then they had to do it behind his back.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get -up again?</p> - -<p>Of course it does, in dew time.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I dared to go up on Broadway to-day and a team ran -over me. Just as I was getting up, the driver shouted: -“Look out!”</p> - -<p>And what did you say?</p> - -<p>I said: “Are you coming back?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. -I got up in the congregation and said if I didn’t get -my umbrella I would come here next Sunday and -mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning -when I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will -have to diet.</p> - -<p>What color do you prefer?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When you put on your stockings, why are you sure -to make a mistake?</p> - -<p>Because you put your foot in it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">5</a></span> -“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?”</p> - -<p>“You did not. Tell me about it.”</p> - -<p>“No use—there’s nothing in it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“The President is going to have his name stamped -on eighty million toothpicks.”</p> - -<p>“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver -with me.</p> - -<p>Don’t you do it.</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>Because it will melt where you are going.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right.</p> - -<p>I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday -when he said you were a blooming idiot?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The young man in love doesn’t care so much about -having a yacht at sea as having a little smack ashore.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>How do you spell mule?</p> - -<p>M-l-e.</p> - -<p>That isn’t right; you left something out.</p> - -<p>Yes. I left <i>you</i> out.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How are you to-day?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I can’t kick.”</p> - -<p>“Thought you were ill.”</p> - -<p>“I am—I have the gout.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">6</a></span> -A little girl went to the drug store for some pills.</p> - -<p>“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s -my uncle,” replied the little girl.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>That’s my umbrella you have there.</p> - -<p>Well, I got it in a pawnshop.</p> - -<p>Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, -did not have a pair of shoes to cover his -feet.”</p> - -<p>“And when was that, pray?”</p> - -<p>“At the time he was bathing.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>How do you like my suit?</p> - -<p>A beautiful suit; who made it?</p> - -<p>Carrie Nation.</p> - -<p>Why, is she a tailor?</p> - -<p>Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What are you crying about?</p> - -<p>A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out -of the carriage, and he has been laid up for six months.</p> - -<p>Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible -accident, too; only his was different; he ran away -with the horse. He’s laid up now for six years.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What are you doing now?</p> - -<p>I’m brakes-man on a canal boat.</p> - -<p>What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal -boat?</p> - -<p>Breaking up wood for the cook.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">7</a></span> -I see they are going to have umbrellas made square.</p> - -<p>What for?</p> - -<p>Because they are not safe to leave a-round.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a -whiskey firm to name a new brand after him. No -doubt it will be a good liquor to make strong punches -with.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“And now that we are married, dear, how do you -think I will strike your mother?”</p> - -<p>“Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin -abusing mother right away, are you?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Did you hear about it—my wife is married.</p> - -<p>To whom?</p> - -<p>Why, to me, of course.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike?</p> - -<p>I don’t know.</p> - -<p>They are both sheeneys.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the -street, “what do you take for a heavy cold?” “A -fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he passed on.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Mrs. Peck</i> (hearing a racket in the hall)—What are -you up to now, Henry?</p> - -<p><i>Mr. Peck</i> (feebly)—I’m not up to anything, my -dear. I just fell down stairs.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">8</a></span> -I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, -and the conductor came around and looked at my -ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong -train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to -New York again. I got on another train and went -out about thirty miles, and the conductor came around -and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you -are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk -back to New York again. I got on another train, -and, of course, was mad and began to swear; a minister, -sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, -stop your swearing. Do you know you are on the road -to hell?” I said: “Here I am on the wrong train -again,” and I had to get off.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“You would be a good dancer but for two things.”</p> - -<p>“What are they?”</p> - -<p>“Your feet.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Gas Man</i>—Hello! Tom, what are you doing these -days?</p> - -<p><i>Pork Packer</i>—I’m in the meat business. What are -you doing?</p> - -<p><i>Gas Man</i>—I go you one degree better. I’m in the -meter business.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I went fishing to-day.</p> - -<p>What did you catch?</p> - -<p>I caught a good eel.</p> - -<p>While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water -six feet deep.</p> - -<p>Oh, come off the perch.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">9</a></span> -I see your sister is getting quite stout now.</p> - -<p>Yes; she is working in a studio.</p> - -<p>What has that got to do with it?</p> - -<p>Why, she works in the developing room.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Who was George Washington’s father?</p> - -<p>Who?</p> - -<p>Old man Washington, of course.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I’m surprised at you squandering so much money -on a phonograph.</p> - -<p>Well, money talks, you know.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!”</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter now?”</p> - -<p>“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper -Trust?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you attend the bicycle school now?</p> - -<p>No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils -up there.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>If a man should cut off his knee, where would he -go to get another one?</p> - -<p>Where?</p> - -<p>To Africa.</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>That’s where the ne-groes.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">10</a></span> -How is your wife now?</p> - -<p>Oh, she’s all right, I guess.</p> - -<p>She’s got you guessing, eh?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the -bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s where I got acquainted with -him.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture.</p> - -<p>What did he say?</p> - -<p>Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose -painted!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Benedict</i>—“I’ve been carrying the baby around the -door for a week back.”</p> - -<p><i>Bachelor</i>—“Carrying the baby for a week back? -Pshaw! That’s no remedy at all. What you want for -a weak back is a porous plaster.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I went black-berrying to-day.</p> - -<p>You did?</p> - -<p>Yes. I went to a colored funeral.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an -old collar?”</p> - -<p>“She gave me a turndown.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will -make it hot for us.</p> - -<p>Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor -has ever done.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">11</a></span> -I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he -had his bridle on and couldn’t eat a bit.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do -I; only somebody else generally has the fun.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you -take your medicine without crying?” “No; but she -gives me something if I don’t.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, -who get up cross in the morning and bang things -about because the coffee is cold?” <i>Wife</i>: “I would -make it hot for you.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? -How did you come out?” “Through the window!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” -“I am, my dear—as little as possible.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Emmy</i>—“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but -not the least idea what I am to go in. What would -you wear if you had my complexion?” <i>Fanny</i>—“A -thick veil.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in -two months.</p> - -<p>How is that?</p> - -<p>He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">12</a></span> -“Were you moved when the old gentleman said -you could never marry his daughter?” “Yes; I was -moved half way across the sidewalk.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it -left me long ago.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! -can’t you see he’s got a double chin?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” -“Oh, something between five and a half and six feet.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How do you make chickens good fighters?”</p> - -<p>“Feed them scraps.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as -he picked himself up, that he thought he had improved -in horsemanship, but, instead had fallen off.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark -light.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped -at?” asked a lawyer of a witness in an assault and -battery case.</p> - -<p>“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.”</p> - -<p>“What next?”</p> - -<p>“Two glasses of whiskey.”</p> - -<p>“Next?”</p> - -<p>“One glass of brandy.”</p> - -<p>“Next?”</p> - -<p>“A <span class="smcap">FIGHT</span>.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">13</a></span> -“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper.</p> - -<p>“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door.</p> - -<p>“Cut it out,” cried the scissors.</p> - -<p>“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked -the carpet.</p> - -<p>“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror.</p> - -<p>“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. -Everything is all write for mine.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters.</p> - -<p>Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after -flaring up, got hot under the collar, and saying that -he refused to throw any light on the matter, went -out.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“So you were only seventeen when you married? -Well, you didn’t have to wait long for a husband, did -you?”</p> - -<p>“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five -nights a week.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail -last summer and all the prisoners “broke out.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>At dinner the other day there was a young lady -dining opposite me. I asked her to pass the ice-cream. -She did so and I took one big spoonful. I -cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young -lady asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was -thinking of old times and a brother who was hung in -Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took a -spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she -was crying and she said: “I’m crying because you -weren’t hung the same time your brother was.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">14</a></span> -An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had -an “early fall.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Is your father still running a bunco game?</p> - -<p>My father runs a hotel.</p> - -<p>Well, that’s the same thing,—he’s bunking people.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel -yesterday.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is a strait?</p> - -<p>A rubber-neck.</p> - -<p>No, it is a neck running out to sea.</p> - -<p>Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result -was a “draw.” A man who was doing some -“bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them -arrested. One was discharged because he had a -“pull” with the judge; the other dentist is now “filling” -in time.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.”</p> - -<p>“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just -beginning!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and -settled in Canada.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” -“Why, you said you always have to buy flies when -you go fishing.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">15</a></span> -A church choir played a game of ball the other -day. The preacher came out to the ground to compare -“notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when -the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went -home “alto”-gether.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“My husband has given up smoking.”</p> - -<p>“It must have taken some will-power.”</p> - -<p>“All I had.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, -as he bought the ice cream for the girls on the piazza.</p> - -<p>“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat -to-morrow.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee?</p> - -<p>No.</p> - -<p>That settles it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What’s the difference between the mumps and -the measles?”</p> - -<p>“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles -you break out.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Inventor</i>—If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll—</p> - -<p><i>Wife</i> (alarmed)—W-what, Frank?</p> - -<p><i>Inventor</i>—Have to!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What drove you to drink?”</p> - -<p>“Thirst.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">16</a></span> -A colored man by the name of Berry was working -for a farmer (who was somewhat of a wag). Addressing -him one morning, he said, “Go gather in the -straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the -goose, Berry; the older ones the elder, Berry; the -girls the black, Berry, and don’t look so blue, Berry.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes, twice.”</p> - -<p>“Twice?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, once when we first met and another time -she hit me on the head with a rolling pin.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy -day?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two young ladies took a long tramp through the -woods. Who brought him back?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?”</p> - -<p>“Coming, sir—half a minute.”</p> - -<p>“Confound you! How slow you are.”</p> - -<p>“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool—why, I -shivered.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I went out to the races and bet.</p> - -<p>How did you come out?</p> - -<p>At the gate.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">17</a></span> -“How old are you?”</p> - -<p>“Some take me for fifteen.”</p> - -<p>“Street cars take me for five.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.”</p> - -<p>“What is he, a pawnbroker?”</p> - -<p>“No, he’s a bartender.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this -morning?”</p> - -<p>“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, your mother?”</p> - -<p>“No, my washwoman.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making -money fast?</p> - -<p>Sure I do.</p> - -<p>Glue it to the floor.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>If I ever hit you, you will never forget it.</p> - -<p>If I ever hit you, you will never remember it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? -To keep the calf from the corn.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars -fine for smoking.”</p> - -<p>“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.”</p> - -<p>“On the dead?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">18</a></span> -“What are you doing now?”</p> - -<p>“I’m working on the town clock.”</p> - -<p>“If that’s so you must be working overtime.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A girl goes into a store to buy garters.</p> - -<p>“What kind?”</p> - -<p>“Rubber.”</p> - -<p>“I’d lose my job if I did.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an -orphan asylum.”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“What did he leave?”</p> - -<p>“Fifteen children.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Do you know ping-pong?”</p> - -<p>“Sure! He washes my shirts.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There was a German friend of mine who was quite -sick for some time. The doctor told him he might -eat anything he wanted. He told his wife he believed -he would like some Limburger cheese. His -wife was a good-hearted woman; she went out and -got twenty pounds of this distinct cheese, and put -some in every room in the house, that he might get a -nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the -aroma in that house). The doctor called the next -morning, and rang the bell; when the servant opened -the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, -“When did he die?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.”</p> - -<p>“If you do I’ll put words to it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">19</a></span> -Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco.</p> - -<p>What kind of tobacco is that?</p> - -<p>Chewing.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When a man longs for money he is generally short.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“You have a big head this morning.”</p> - -<p>“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.”</p> - -<p>“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!”</p> - -<p>“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water -just the same as you can on land.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="smcap">A Girl Wanted</span> (in a bakery).—A <i>rising</i> young -woman from the (y)east, must be <i>floury</i> in speech, -well <i>bread</i> and not inclined to <i>loaf</i>, not get <i>mixed up</i>, -be <i>pie</i>-us and sober. To such a one her <i>dough</i> -will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl -able to <i>cracker</i> joke and <i>kneeding</i> this job may apply -to Miss <span class="smcap">Lady Finger</span> or <span class="smcap">Luke Warmwater</span>.</p> - -<p><i>Doughnut</i> come unless well recommended. One -preferred who can <i>roll up</i> and <i>turn over bun</i>-dles so -quickly as to take the <i>cake</i>, but not be <i>tart</i>, <i>snap</i>-py -or <i>crust</i>-y or <i>puff</i>unctory in her conduct.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?”</p> - -<p>“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you -know, if she went in without it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Does your wife miss you much?”</p> - -<p>“No; she can throw as straight as I can.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Did you ever see a pig wash?”</p> - -<p>“No, but I saw pig iron.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">20</a></span> -“How is your farm this year?”</p> - -<p>“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they -couldn’t see to grow.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>She</i>—I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and -I can’t find it anywhere.</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—Did you look among the Vs, dear?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I would never play poker with a dentist.</p> - -<p>Why not?</p> - -<p>It’s too easy for him to draw and fill.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Well, Tom, what are you working at now?”</p> - -<p>“Nutting.”</p> - -<p>“Nothing—well, that’s a healthy occupation for a -big man.”</p> - -<p>“Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting -nuts on bolts, ain’t that nutting?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie -that I had was a peach.</p> - -<p>That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no -money, so I let the beer settle.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.”</p> - -<p>“Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married -a little over a year.”</p> - -<p>“I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What did the Judge say when you sassed him?</p> - -<p>He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty -days.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">21</a></span> -Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a -pair of silk hose. I told her that Ten Dollars was too -much to pay for a pair of silk stockings. She said -she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she -wanted something to show for her money.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Did you ever hear a fairy story?</p> - -<p>Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who -pinched his watch.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is the difference between a cat and a match?</p> - -<p>A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its -head.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I saw a freak of nature yesterday.”</p> - -<p>“What was it?”</p> - -<p>“A baby born with human hands and bear feet.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Is your wife a victim of bargain days?”</p> - -<p>“No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Horrible fire in the shoe factory.”</p> - -<p>“Any lives lost?”</p> - -<p>“A thousand souls” (soles).</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty -11 inches long?</p> - -<p>I don’t know.</p> - -<p>Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been -a foot.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">22</a></span> -“My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.”</p> - -<p>“That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp -with his nose.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What would you do if I should kiss you?”</p> - -<p>“I should call for help?”</p> - -<p>“H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Do you think there is any danger in going up in -a balloon?”</p> - -<p>“Not half as much as there is in coming down.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I married my typewriter.”</p> - -<p>“Why?”</p> - -<p>“So I can dictate to her.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My wife gave birth to triplets.</p> - -<p>Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked.</p> - -<p>She nodded her sweet permission;</p> - -<p>So we went to press, and I rather guess</p> - -<p>I printed a large edition.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.”</p> - -<p>“What does he do?”</p> - -<p>“Hires root beer.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. -He broke through the mattress and fell into -the spring.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">23</a></span> -“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.”</p> - -<p>“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll -be a hundred and sixty.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Are you still following the races?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going -to quit.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?”</p> - -<p>“O, he’s gone into real estate.”</p> - -<p>“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed -he’d do.”</p> - -<p>“It was; he’s dead.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her -bedside, and began to cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we -will meet in the other world.” I began to go to -church right away.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Passerby</i>—Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!</p> - -<p><i>Boy</i>—Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You -wouldn’t expect a little pup like him to bite yer neck -would yer?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five -miles through a blinding snow-storm to his home so -that I could give him a thrashing.”</p> - -<p>“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a -man. Did you walk back?”</p> - -<p>“No, I rode back in an ambulance.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">24</a></span> -“Is your sister ever out of temper?”</p> - -<p>“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as -he came in.</p> - -<p>“About one.”</p> - -<p>Just then the clock struck three.</p> - -<p>“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” -he asked, with a feeble attempt at justification -and a joke.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you -wore last winter?”</p> - -<p>“They have gone to the wall.”</p> - -<p>“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, but the patent expired.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is the difference between a man and a hen?</p> - -<p>A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without -burning himself, and a hen can’t.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My brother had over fifty thousand men under him.</p> - -<p>He must have been a great general.</p> - -<p>No, he was in a balloon.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I wish that the good Lord had made me a man.</p> - -<p>Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.”</p> - -<p>“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I only fell off the first round.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">25</a></span> -“There was a fight at the baker shop.”</p> - -<p>“What caused it?”</p> - -<p>“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Do you know my brother?”</p> - -<p>“Which one, the one with the smooth face?”</p> - -<p>“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted -to beat his wife last night, and two policemen rushed -in just in time to prevent murder.”</p> - -<p>“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?”</p> - -<p>“No, to the hospital.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens -say?</p> - -<p>I don’t know; what would they say?</p> - -<p>Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I used to work in a watch factory.</p> - -<p>What did you do?</p> - -<p>I made faces.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired -the old lady in the Grand Central depot.</p> - -<p>“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.”</p> - -<p>“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a -depot?”</p> - -<p>“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas -solemnly.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>How did that sausage that you ate agree with you?</p> - -<p>It hurt my liver wurst.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">26</a></span> -A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in -the gallery of the church pelting the hearers in the -pews below with horse chestnuts. As the good man -looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your -preaching, Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your -wife had?”</p> - -<p>“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.”</p> - -<p>“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that -you beat her.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We -take it away from her.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?”</p> - -<p>“Flushing Long Island.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“They say that whiskey has killed more men than -bullets.”</p> - -<p>“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, -wouldn’t you?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Hello, is this you, Doctor?”</p> - -<p>“Yes,” says Doctor.</p> - -<p>“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up -at once and help me to pull her through.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Beer always makes me fat.</p> - -<p>Beer makes me lean—against telegraph poles and -houses.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">27</a></span> -“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” -asked the doubting customer.</p> - -<p>“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” -said the shop girl, “and they are not broken yet. -And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m engaged.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.”</p> - -<p>“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once -on water.”</p> - -<p>“On water! and you lived?”</p> - -<p>“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a -canal boat.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.”</p> - -<p>“Why?”</p> - -<p>“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood -and thereupon asked him where he supposed -he’d go if he told such stories. The janitor replied -that wherever he went he expected he’d be making -fires for the school-teachers.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. -The minister said: “You see what drink does.”</p> - -<p><i>Drunken Barber</i>—“Yes. It makes the skin verra -tender.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in -Chicago. A street-car run over a little girl and cut -both of her hands off. I ran to her and was going to -pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">28</a></span> -“How’s your brother?”</p> - -<p>“Why, my brother is away for three years.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.”</p> - -<p>“Well, my brother’s smart.”</p> - -<p>“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.”</p> - -<p>“Well, you never mind my brother.”</p> - -<p>“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding -him.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Where do you think I got this collar?”</p> - -<p>“Where?”</p> - -<p>“Around my neck.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t -know how to get it over here.”</p> - -<p>“Well, just sit down and think it over.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If -your people want to see a big hog, come out to my -farm and ask for me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Ma, what is an angel?”</p> - -<p>“An angel is one that flies.”</p> - -<p>“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I can’t sing since I worked for a baker.</p> - -<p>Why not?</p> - -<p>I can’t get any higher than dough.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?”</p> - -<p>“He pulled my leg.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">29</a></span> -“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.”</p> - -<p>“Why is that?”</p> - -<p>“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“They say that Eve is the only woman that never -looked behind her to see what the other woman had -on. But then you know she was only a side issue.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I took a prize once on these roller skates.</p> - -<p>How did you do it?</p> - -<p>The man wasn’t looking.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced -recently as “fifteen cents” (three nickels).</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Did your sister marry a rich husband?”</p> - -<p>“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What’s your occupation?”</p> - -<p>“I’m janitor of a car.”</p> - -<p>“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. -I’ve heard of the janitor of a flat.”</p> - -<p>“Well, this is a flat car.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I cut my dog’s tail off.</p> - -<p>Did it make any difference with his carriage?</p> - -<p>No, but it stopped his wagon.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat -beside the pretty girl was vacant. Going over, he -said: “Is this seat engaged?”</p> - -<p>“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you -any good.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">30</a></span> -“No more parlor matches. They’re against the -law,” said Reginald.</p> - -<p>“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily -leading the way.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I did a good thing to-day.”</p> - -<p>“Where did you meet him?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How long was your father in the penitentiary?”</p> - -<p>“Ten years.”</p> - -<p>“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were -they?”</p> - -<p>“No, you have to take your time there.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The other day I started on a business trip and told -my wife I would not be home that night. I missed -the train and arrived home at about eleven o’clock. -My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that -you, Jack?” I remain at home now.</p> - -<p>P. S.—My name is Bill.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said -the office boy’s mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised -for a strong boy and that’s what he is——”</p> - -<p>“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; -“in the single day he was here he broke all the rules -of this office and some of the furniture.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell -me if I can get through this gate to the park?”</p> - -<p>He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went -through.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">31</a></span> -When your wife died, did she leave you any real -estate?</p> - -<p>Yes, she left the earth.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My wife dresses out of sight.</p> - -<p>That’s the proper place for her to dress.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Widson</i>—I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry -his typewriter?</p> - -<p><i>Booler</i>—Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying -for years to get a typewriter of his own?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Is your watch all right, now?”</p> - -<p>“No, but it’s gaining.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>George Little has a wife and nine children and only -earns eight dollars a week but he gets along splendidly.</p> - -<p>How does he manage to do it on such a small salary?</p> - -<p>Why, every little helps.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The other day an ear of corn was run over by an -automobile and three kernels were killed.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>She</i>—We haven’t seen much of you this week.</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—I saw a good deal—at least I saw you—er—last -Tuesday.</p> - -<p><i>She</i>—Did you? Where was I? Cycling?</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—Not at the moment. You were just falling -over the handles.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">32</a></span> -I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come -from miles around to see him cut up, he’s a butcher, -and he always dresses to kill.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual -motion.”</p> - -<p>“What does he model it on?”</p> - -<p>“His wife’s tongue.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Are you a carpenter?</p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p>How would you make a Venetian blind?</p> - -<p>Punch him in the eye.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch -table and mamma divided it between Willie and Elsie. -Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate.</p> - -<p>“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my -pudding when you haven’t any. Take Elsie’s.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the -dead-letter office?”</p> - -<p>“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so -perfectly killing.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you know that my little dog is dead?</p> - -<p>I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died -by inches, or else went up the alley and died by the -yard.</p> - -<p>Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died -by the foot.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">33</a></span> -<i>Husband</i>—Why are you so angry at the doctor?</p> - -<p><i>Wife</i>—When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, -he told me to show him my tongue.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot -while filing the bars of his cell in an effort to escape. -The pistol failed to explode and the prisoner finally -dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol -refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a -second, then with great presence of mind, he raised -both hands and exclaimed in a tone of horror: “My -God! He’s swallowed the file!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the -middle of a sentence.</p> - -<p>All right. Come along with me to the nearest -prison.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting -up a fund for his widow and children.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My sister married a street-car conductor. They -ain’t getting along very well together.</p> - -<p>Why don’t she get a transfer?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the -patient just before turning on the <i>x</i>-rays.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Beggar</i>—Please give a poor old blind man a dime?</p> - -<p><i>Citizen</i>—Why, you can see out of one eye.</p> - -<p><i>Beggar</i>—Well, then, give me a nickel.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">34</a></span> -“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth -Street, so I asked him to hold my cigar while I went -into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there with -the cigar, all right.”</p> - -<p>“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.”</p> - -<p>“No? What was he?”</p> - -<p>“A cigar-holder.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Doesn’t her hair look killing?”</p> - -<p>“No wonder; it’s dyed.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“If they put the <i>x</i>-ray over the hand the bones will -come right out.”</p> - -<p>“Bring it over to the house fish day.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How did you get your start in life?”</p> - -<p>“My little sister shoved me downstairs.”</p> - -<p>“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?”</p> - -<p>“I made all of my money selling wisdom.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, then you were a bookseller.”</p> - -<p>“No, I was a bookmaker.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his -accounts?”</p> - -<p>“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and -it is still running.”</p> - -<p>“The river?”</p> - -<p>“The installment jeweler’s bill.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man -that don’t is no bettor.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">35</a></span> -I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for -five miles by the scent of my feet.</p> - -<p>Why don’t you take a bath and fool him?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing -milk and water, “ye see what I’m a-doin’ of?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring -water into the milk.”</p> - -<p>“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the -water. So, if anybody axes you if I put water into -the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to the truth, -James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Whyte</i>—I always make it a rule to kiss my wife -whenever I leave the house in the morning and when -I come home at night.</p> - -<p><i>Browne</i>—That’s right. I would if I were you.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that -young man into the family.”</p> - -<p>“Why, dear?”</p> - -<p>“Well, when they were playing cards last night I -distinctly heard papa say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, -Harry.’”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”</p> - -<p>“What does?”</p> - -<p>“A nickel and a quarter.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How does your brother like the job of running an -elevator?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, he’s taken up with it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">36</a></span> -<i>Dusty Dolittle</i>—De old guy offered me a job turning -a grindstone!</p> - -<p><i>Weary Willie</i>—Wasn’t yer shocked?</p> - -<p><i>Dusty Dolittle</i>—Shocked! Why, I didn’t know -which way to turn.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Where are you living now?</p> - -<p>Up in the tenth story of a brick building.</p> - -<p>Have you got any children?</p> - -<p>No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s -nothing but cow-hide!”</p> - -<p>“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? -Morocco?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear -like a trooper.</p> - -<p>“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you -to swear like that?”</p> - -<p>“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, -it’s me who teaches the other boys.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Guest</i>—“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”</p> - -<p><i>Waiter</i>—“Can’t you tell by the taste?”</p> - -<p><i>Guest</i>—“No.”</p> - -<p><i>Waiter</i>—“Well then, what difference does it make?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no -life to move?</p> - -<p>I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank -walk and a banana stand. I have even seen a cat -fish, and a horse fly.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">37</a></span> -Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He -don’t dare let go. If he did she’d pick his pockets. -After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And there’s the -coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. -Then his mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s -the devil to pay.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Is the Lord everywhere?</p> - -<p>Yes, my child.</p> - -<p>Is he in our cellar?</p> - -<p>Yes, dear.</p> - -<p>He is not. We have no cellar.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world -because he has a head and tail on the same end.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Wife</i>—How did you get along while I was away?</p> - -<p><i>Husband</i>—I kept house for about ten days, and then -I went boarding.</p> - -<p><i>Wife</i>—Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping -house?</p> - -<p><i>Husband</i>—Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What makes you so foolish?”</p> - -<p>“It’s my mother’s fault.”</p> - -<p>“Why, how is that?”</p> - -<p>“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who -was applying for board; “will you mind it?”</p> - -<p>“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of -course not! Do you think I’m a nurse?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">38</a></span> -“What did you get that bronze medal for?”</p> - -<p>“For singing.”</p> - -<p>“What did you get the gold one for?”</p> - -<p>“For quitting.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”</p> - -<p>“Yes. In a millinery store?”</p> - -<p>“No, alive. They were jays from the country and -they were blue with cold.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Tourist</i>—“Pretty dull around here.”</p> - -<p><i>Rube</i>—“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of -months and see how this place’ll be stirred up.”</p> - -<p><i>Tourist</i>—“What’s going to happen?”</p> - -<p><i>Rube</i>—“Ploughin’.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a -shirt-waist. She wanted something extremely thin. -So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will you show me the -thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’”</p> - -<p>“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.”</p> - -<p>“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you -right now.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is your business?</p> - -<p>I am a diamond cutter.</p> - -<p>Where did you ever cut any diamonds?</p> - -<p>Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the -grass off of the diamond.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">39</a></span> -A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look -at it and she said, “Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I -thought it was real.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.”</p> - -<p>“What was the color of her hair?”</p> - -<p>“I didn’t notice her face.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>How do you like married life?</p> - -<p>Oh, I live like a bird.</p> - -<p>How is that?</p> - -<p>I have to fly for my life.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“They say that the blind can determine color by -the sense of touch?”</p> - -<p>“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to -tell a red-hot stove by merely putting his finger on it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost -last week?”</p> - -<p>“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t -lose.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Is that punch bowl cut glass?”</p> - -<p>“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that -face?’ I told him that it belonged to me, and he said -he didn’t know but that I’d beat a bull-dog out of it. -The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor -his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his -teeth.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">40</a></span> -“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He -never buys any coal. He lives near a railroad and -makes faces at the engineer.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I saw your sister on the street to-day.”</p> - -<p>“How was she looking?”</p> - -<p>“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.”</p> - -<p>“How did you know it was my sister?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I’m quick at figures.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What do you take for the grip?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, I get it without taking anything.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry?</p> - -<p>Yes.</p> - -<p>I pawned it for five dollars.</p> - -<p>That’s time wasted.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Old Lady</i> (sniffing)—“What’s that odor I smell?”</p> - -<p><i>Farmer</i>—“That’s fertilizer.”</p> - -<p><i>Old Lady</i> (astonished)—“For the land’s sake!”</p> - -<p><i>Farmer</i>—“Yes, ma’am.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who -came to take my order said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, -frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and—” I interrupted her. -I said, “You ought to see a doctor.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, -what do they do with him?</p> - -<p>I suppose they get him a bed of his own.</p> - -<p>No. They boycott him.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">41</a></span> -<i>Critic</i>—Your work seems a little raw.</p> - -<p><i>Poet</i>—It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My sister’s husband got a divorce from her.</p> - -<p>What for?</p> - -<p>For making bad coffee.</p> - -<p>That was poor grounds.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Bill</i>—Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the -moon.</p> - -<p><i>Jill</i>—Because he’s out late nights?</p> - -<p><i>Bill</i>—No; because he appears to be brightest when -full.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“We never remember the faces of those we love -most dearly.”</p> - -<p>“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill -looks like!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand -for me?” asked the mother the third time.</p> - -<p>“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature.</p> - -<p>And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered -to himself: “I hope Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill -Old Sleuth ’till I git back.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a -teacher?”</p> - -<p>“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?”</p> - -<p>“Yes.”</p> - -<p>“I could see his pupils.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">42</a></span> -“I’m following the horses now.”</p> - -<p>“Are you beating them?”</p> - -<p>“No. I lost my whip.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“You remind me of a river.”</p> - -<p>“How so?”</p> - -<p>“The biggest part of you is your mouth.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.”</p> - -<p>“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the -night and you never noticed me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Myra</i>—“What kind of a husband would you advise -me to get?”</p> - -<p><i>Jessie</i>—“You get a single man and let the husbands -alone.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Hiram</i>—“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when -yew got buncoed by thet there confidence feller.”</p> - -<p><i>Josh</i>—“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. -Why, she could carry him in her pocket.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket -all the time after he marries her.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, about three seconds.”</p> - -<p>“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?”</p> - -<p>“No limit.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">43</a></span> -“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?”</p> - -<p>“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came -over in the Mayflower,” said Miss South Church.</p> - -<p>“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not -quite understand. “Our folks made their fortune in -September wheat.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What is an Island?</p> - -<p>A pimple on the Ocean.</p> - -<p>What is a strait?</p> - -<p>Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What did you steal that cradle for?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, just for a kid.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why, the bare idea!”</p> - -<p>“Of what, dear?”</p> - -<p>“Telling the naked truth!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Are you going to the seashore this summer?”</p> - -<p>“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last -year.”</p> - -<p>“Not enough men?”</p> - -<p>“No; too many mosquitoes.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.”</p> - -<p>“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. -See?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">44</a></span> -“I was down to the race track yesterday and played -a horse 20 to 1.”</p> - -<p>“Well?”</p> - -<p>“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Airships will be all the rage soon.”</p> - -<p>“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a -rage.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Seeing is believing, you know.”</p> - -<p>“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom -believe you.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What is a profitless enterprise?”</p> - -<p>“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.”</p> - -<p>“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch -in one.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas -City, Kan., $1 each annually—won’t it work a hardship -on them?</p> - -<p>They can easily scrape up the money.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“That young man who calls on you twice a week -stays too late. You will have to sit down on him.”</p> - -<p>“Why, I do, mamma.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you know Minnie Fish?</p> - -<p>Yes, I’m going to drop her a line.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">45</a></span> -“Does your wife miss you when you are away from -home?”</p> - -<p>“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at -home.”</p> - -<p>“How’s that?”</p> - -<p>“Her aim isn’t accurate.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.”</p> - -<p>“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.”</p> - -<p>“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize -with the tailor.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Did you hear about Waters the iceman?</p> - -<p>No! what about him?</p> - -<p>Why, he went on the stage.</p> - -<p>Was he a success?</p> - -<p>No, he was a frost.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You -acted like a fish out of water.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, I was a sucker.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine -to-day?”</p> - -<p>“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay -my own little bills.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to -my head.”</p> - -<p>“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">46</a></span> -“My, but you have large ears!”</p> - -<p>“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect -donkey.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to -stay out late?”</p> - -<p>“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for -me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?”</p> - -<p>“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t -keep up with the rest.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What are you crying about?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, they are not regular tears.”</p> - -<p>“What are they, then?”</p> - -<p>“They’re just volunteers.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall -Street and made lots of dust.</p> - -<p>Yes, he was a street-sweeper.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Do you think there is much difference between -this world and the next?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, husband.”</p> - -<p>“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“We had short-cake for tea.”</p> - -<p>“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">47</a></span> -“Pa, did you know ma long before you married -her?”</p> - -<p>“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I -married her!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but -nobody can force him to drink. How different it is -with men!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Riggs</i>—“Where did you get that black eye?”</p> - -<p><i>Jiggs</i>—“Told the conductor I was travelling on my -face, and he punched the ticket.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Ethics Prof.</i>—What becomes of a drinker when he -dies?</p> - -<p><i>S. S.</i>—Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a -“bier.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Do you like corn on the ear?</p> - -<p>I never had one there.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Bill</i>—Do you think betting is wrong.</p> - -<p><i>Jill</i>—Well, the way I bet generally is.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.”</p> - -<p>“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions -asked?”</p> - -<p>“What good would it do?”</p> - -<p>“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress -did, an’ Oi got the reward.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">48</a></span> -A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. -It stuck fast in a mud hole and the horse couldn’t -start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a small boy. -“Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out -an’ hitch in a roll of yer butter.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What is your brother doing?”</p> - -<p>“Six months.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?”</p> - -<p>“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow -gave him caws.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Bill</i>—That man is a horrible liar.</p> - -<p><i>Jill</i>—Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“My landlord is a checker-player.”</p> - -<p>“What makes you think so?”</p> - -<p>“He told me it was my move.”</p> - -<p>“Yes?”</p> - -<p>“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me -jump.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married -a blonde.”</p> - -<p>“He did, but she dyed.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>You ought to learn violin.</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>It will give your chin a rest.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">49</a></span> -“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining -the young man, “seems to be that something -is the matter with your heart.”</p> - -<p>“With my heart?”</p> - -<p>“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.”</p> - -<p>“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the -young man. “That isn’t her name at all.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Do you know what it is to love a woman?”</p> - -<p>“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she -married.” [Sadly.]</p> - -<p>“Whom did she marry?”</p> - -<p>“Me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>He</i>—Why has he put her picture in his watch?</p> - -<p><i>She</i>—Because he thinks she will love him in time.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>She</i>—My but I was shy when the parson asked me -my age.</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—Yes, about ten years shy.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.”</p> - -<p>“Did you leave him there?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Jack</i>—“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked -up for stealing kisses?”</p> - -<p><i>Flo</i>—“Well, I think he ought to be <i>tied</i> up.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Young Wife</i>—“How do you like my cooking? -Don’t you think I’ve begun well?”</p> - -<p><i>Husband</i>—“Um—yes. I’ve often heard that well -begun is half done.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">50</a></span> -“He is a dealer in drawing materials.”</p> - -<p>“Crayons?”</p> - -<p>“No, mustard plasters.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Harry</i>—Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened -to me the other day—I was riding on a Sixth -Avenue car when a very fine young lady entered the -car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my -seat.</p> - -<p><i>Charlie</i>—That was proper, perfectly proper.</p> - -<p><i>Harry</i>—Well, I only done it to see how I stood.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the -skylight of one of the skyscrapers.</p> - -<p>“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came -through and landed on the floor.</p> - -<p>“Scotland.”</p> - -<p>“How do you know?”</p> - -<p>“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach -last night, only for one thing.”</p> - -<p>“What was that—some one take you out for dinner?”</p> - -<p>“No, I slept on my back.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Where were you?”</p> - -<p>“Down on Wall Street.”</p> - -<p>“Well, what were you doing down there?”</p> - -<p>“Buying wall paper.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>She</i>—Yes, my husband run away and shook me -when I was forty-five.</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—That’s not a bad shake.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">51</a></span> -Are they twins?</p> - -<p>They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?”</p> - -<p>“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house -keeping.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>When does the bank cashier buy a yacht?</p> - -<p>When he’s going to be a skipper.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you -get it twisted.”</p> - -<p>“What is that?”</p> - -<p>“A corkscrew.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little -Archie at dinner, on the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh -was present as the guest of honor.</p> - -<p>“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?”</p> - -<p>“Why, you told mamma this morning that you -were going to bring a ‘muttonhead’ home for dinner -this evening.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry -Herring.” I went in and said, “Mister, do you keep -dry herring?” The storekeeper said, “Yes.” I said, -“Why don’t you give them a drink?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?”</p> - -<p>“Who?”</p> - -<p>“The coal man.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">52</a></span> -<i>Woods</i>—Who is the champion light-weight in your -town?</p> - -<p><i>Lewis</i>—My grocer.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars -and he gave her assent.”</p> - -<p>“The mean thing!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. -He had already got through the first two bars, when -a policeman came up and hit him with a club.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A young man asked a widow to marry him.</p> - -<p>“What’s the difference between myself and Willard -Pond’s Jersey cow?” asked the widow.</p> - -<p>“I don’t know,” said the young man.</p> - -<p>“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the -cow.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How did that fight between the bridge tenders -end?”</p> - -<p>“It was fought to a draw—and they both fell in!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I -put it in my pocket and went a few steps further, and -fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you hurt?” I -said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on -your tintype.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Waitress, will that roll be long?”</p> - -<p>“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">53</a></span> -“The boss said I was too full of my business.”</p> - -<p>“What’s your biz?”</p> - -<p>“Whiskey traveller.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Biggs</i>—That butcher is an awkward fellow.</p> - -<p><i>Boggs</i>—Yes, I notice his hands are always in his -weigh.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Boss</i> (lecturing)—And remember, when a little boy -disobeys me, then I use force.</p> - -<p><i>Boy</i>—Force?</p> - -<p><i>Boss</i>—Yes, force.</p> - -<p><i>Boy</i>—Ever tried Grape-Nuts?</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Percy</i>—“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?”</p> - -<p><i>Harold</i>—“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I want something striking for a wedding present.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth -floor.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?”</p> - -<p>“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station -and returned and told the crowd he would give -seventy-five dollars for the return of the money. -One man said he’d give a hundred and another man -said he’d give two hundred. When I left they had -bid it up to a thousand.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">54</a></span> -“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara -Falls to a quart.”</p> - -<p>“How much?”</p> - -<p>“Two pints.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. -He said that he heard her talk about beating the eggs, -whipping the cream, stoning the raisins, mashing the -potatoes and pounding the steak.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an -Irishman?</p> - -<p>When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he?</p> - -<p>When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him -for three or four days after.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>She</i> (disgustedly)—Drunk again?</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—Hic, so am I.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The fellow in the next room to me last night made -an awful lot of noise, his wooden leg pained him.</p> - -<p>How could that be?</p> - -<p>His wife hit him over the head with it.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Percy</i>—“Was it because your brother took his typewriter -out to lunch that all the trouble came about?”</p> - -<p><i>Harold</i>—“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because -his wife found it out.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“How do you tell the age of a turkey?”</p> - -<p>“By the teeth.”</p> - -<p>“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!”</p> - -<p>“No; but I have.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">55</a></span> -B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller -a dollar outen m’wallet and he laid me out onto a -slab and derned if he didn’t scrub me with a brick. -Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and -he said: “Scouring the country for money.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat -there for two weeks.</p> - -<p>When was that?</p> - -<p>That was when he was in Chicago.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>I always put my money under the mattress at -night.</p> - -<p>Why?</p> - -<p>So I’ll have something to fall back on.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car -to-day.</p> - -<p>I don’t know, what did you see?</p> - -<p>The conductor.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where -did you get them?”</p> - -<p>“Bought ’em.”</p> - -<p>“Does your wife choose your clothes?”</p> - -<p>“No, she only picks the pockets!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t -he?</p> - -<p>Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">56</a></span> -When did your teeth first begin troubling you?</p> - -<p>When I was cutting them.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.”</p> - -<p>“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood -last night.”</p> - -<p>“Where?”</p> - -<p>“At the circus.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>If I had not defended that man he would have gone -to State’s prison for ten years.</p> - -<p>What did they do with him?</p> - -<p>They hung him.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“There’s a poor man out there that would give -anything to see you.” “Who is it?” “A blind -man.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Tourist</i>—“I suppose I can’t get a train for three -hours?”</p> - -<p><i>Station Agent</i>—“O, yes; your train leaves in five -minutes.”</p> - -<p><i>Tourist</i>—“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, -who had slipped and fallen on an icy pavement. -“Going to get up!” was the blunt reply.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very -young.”</p> - -<p>“And you’ve been off your base ever since.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">57</a></span> -“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.”</p> - -<p>“She must have changed since she married you.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why is a kiss like the three graces?”</p> - -<p>“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and -charity to an old maid.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was -lying at the point of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! -Won’t even death stop that man’s lying?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what -would you do?</p> - -<p>I would buy a fine comb.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has -often heard of the <i>fore</i> quarters of the globe, but -never heard any person say anything about the <i>hind</i> -quarters.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it -stops, that’s no use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards -without it?”</p> - -<p>“Give it up.”</p> - -<p>“The noise!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.”</p> - -<p>“Why?”</p> - -<p>“Played poker with him last night, when I got up -to get a drink he looked at my hand.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">58</a></span> -I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I -came before the judge he said: “Young man, you’re -arrested for picking the pocket of an old man.” I -said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as -they came in the crowd.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>She</i>—Do you believe there are microbes in kisses?</p> - -<p><i>He</i>—I never believe anything without investigation.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“My wife was very sick the other night and I -thought she would die. She moaned and groaned -and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off -her.”</p> - -<p>“Well, what then?”</p> - -<p>“I put the covers back and then she recovered.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I want a dog-collar.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind -the counter. “What size shirt do you wear?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“That’s a mighty becoming dress you are wearing.”</p> - -<p>“Becoming? Why, it hides my figure completely!”</p> - -<p>“That’s what I said.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?”</p> - -<p>“I guess it is because they’ve been married themselves -and they haven’t got the heart to laugh.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Please, I want to buy a dollar’s worth of hay.”</p> - -<p>“Is it for your father?”</p> - -<p>“Oh, no; it’s for the horse; father doesn’t eat hay!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why didn’t you eat your breakfast this morning?”</p> - -<p>“’Twasn’t fit for a hog to eat.”</p> - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> - -<p class="center sans"><span class="p120">THE STUDENT’S</span><br /> -<span class="p180">Manual of Phonic Shorthand</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width267"> -<img src="images/shorthand.jpg" width="267" height="287" alt="" /> -<div class="caption">THE LORD’S PRAYER</div> -</div> - -<p>The contents of this book is a complete introduction -to the Stenographic Art, as used for Business -Correspondence and Verbatim Reporting. -Illustrated by Plates having Printed Keys, which -are based wholly upon a system that -has been reduced to every-day practice. -The Signs are all constructed -on simple plans, and can be read -easier than the plainest printed -copy. Each sign indicates a sound. -A boy of 12, by this method, will -learn in a week what would take -an adult a year by the old way. Illustrated -with Numerous Examples. -Any one can, in a short time, Report -Sermons, Speeches, Trials, etc., with ease and -rapidity. Many girls and boys, from this book alone, -have become splendid Reporters, and are now receiving -from $1,500 to $2,000 a year as Expert Stenographers. -You can perfect yourself in a short time, -so that you will have a Life Occupation—one that always -commands a high salary. It is not a difficult -study. It will be of immense value to any young -man or woman. This is really the only Simple and -Practical Book on Shorthand published, and it will -prove a profitable investment. It will be sent by mail, -postpaid, to any address, on receipt of <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore bold-serif"> -<span class="inline-block width34"> -<img src="images/hand.png" width="34" height="16" alt="Pointing hand" /> -</span> - <i>Persons in Foreign Countries -must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY ORDER.</i></p> - -<p class="center underscore bold-serif"> -<span class="inline-block width34"> -<img src="images/hand.png" width="34" height="16" alt="Pointing hand" /> -</span> - <i>FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.</i></p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address all orders to -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center">WEHMAN BROS.’<br /> -<span class="p120 sans underscore"><i>COMPLETE</i></span> -<span class="p180">Letter-Writer</span></p> - -<p class="center p120">Or the New Art of Polite Correspondence.</p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - - -<div class="figleft width269"> -<img src="images/letterwriter.jpg" width="269" height="409" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>Adapted for both sexes. This is the best letter-writer -published. It teaches how to write a letter on any subject -out of the writer’s own head, or to compose a first-class, intelligent -business letter, or a love letter -or a friendly letter. It gives as samples -hundreds of letters of every kind, and -shows you how to carry on a long correspondence -with a lady or a gentleman—letters -that will never fail to penetrate -the heart. No other book has this <span class="sans">Mystery -of Secret Correspondence</span>. Only -French books have it. It is the book to -refer to when you want to write what -you cannot find words to express. It -opens all the little rivulets that start -from the soul, enabling you to write on -any topic with ease and elegance; or -how to write a complimentary note, or -how to write for the press. Rules on -spelling correctly, on punctuation, on -directing letters, and an immense -amount of information not to be found in any other book. -There are many young people who are good scholars, but who -are woefully deficient in ordinary letter-writing. They receive -letters from friends, that they postpone answering on account -of their own ignorance of elegant letter-writing, until at last -they remain unanswered, and they lose their correspondent. -Many a son or daughter at school, receives beautiful letters -from home, and wonder why he or she cannot write such letters -in return. It is because they need practical instruction in -letter-writing. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt -of <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore bold-serif"> -<span class="inline-block width34"> -<img src="images/hand.png" width="34" height="16" alt="Pointing hand" /> -</span> - <i>Persons in Foreign -Countries must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY ORDER.</i></p> - -<p class="center underscore bold-serif"> -<span class="inline-block width34"> -<img src="images/hand.png" width="34" height="16" alt="Pointing hand" /> -</span> - <i>FOREIGN COIN, -STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.</i></p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address all orders to -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center sans"><span class="p120">Wehman Bros.’<br /> -<i>Book of</i></span> -<span class="p160">1000 WAYS TO GET RICH</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">Price 30 Cents.</p> - - -<div class="figleft width292"> -<img src="images/getrich.jpg" width="292" height="428" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>To those that work hard for a mere -existence, we have a few plain words -to say. Every person wants to make -money, and wants to make it fast and -easily. This book will tell them how. -Many worthy people grow gray from -hard work and have nothing to show -for it. It is such people we address. -Among the valuable secrets in this -really great book there are many that -require no capital and but little labor -with no special ability. With any one -of these recipes you can make money -ten times easier than you could by hard -work, and be your own master at that. -This book is crammed full of recipes -that will help you become rich quickly. -Not by peddling and forcing sales, but -by making things that nearly everybody will buy. No -such word as “fail” about it. All the operations can be -done in your own town. No “gift of gab” necessary. The -things will sell themselves. No capital required to begin. -The money rolls in from the start. It will be sent by mail, -postpaid, on receipt of <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center p140 sans">HERMANN’S ART OF MAGIC</p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width269"> -<img src="images/magic.jpg" width="269" height="422" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>A practical treatise on how to perform -modern tricks, by Prof. Hermann. Great -care has been exercised by the author to -include in this book only such tricks as -have never before appeared in print. -This assures the performer a secret and -almost endless fund for suitable material -to be used on all occasions. With -little practice, almost any one can perform -the more simple tricks, and with practice, -as he becomes more adept, he can -perform the most difficult ones. No book -published contains a greater variety of -material for conjurors and sleight-of-hand -performers than this book. Coins, -cards, silk hat, handkerchiefs, balls, are -all introduced in the many programs offered, -thus affording one an endless variety -from which to select for parlor or stage entertainments. -Price <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>, by mail, postpaid.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center"><span class="bold-serif p120">MORGAN’S</span><br /> -<span class="sans underscore p140">EXPOSE OF</span> -<span class="p180 sans">FREEMASONRY</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 35 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width278"> -<img src="images/freemason.jpg" width="278" height="418" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>It contains all the degrees conferred -by a master’s lodge, as written -by Capt. William Morgan.</p> - -<p class="center sans">By GEORGE K. CRAFTS,</p> - -<p class="noi">formerly Thrice Puissant Grand -Master of Manitou Council, New -York. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address, on receipt of -<span class="sans">35 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address all orders to -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center"><span class="bold-serif p120">WEHMAN’S</span><br /> -<span class="p160">MINSTREL SKETCHES, CONUNDRUMS and JOKES</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width266"> -<img src="images/sketches.jpg" width="266" height="409" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>A book full and running over with side-splitting fun. It -contains conundrums that will set the whole continent guessing, -and then they’ll have to “give ’em -up” half the time. Jokes and gags for -end men—the best lot of these funny -questions and answers ever published. -Negro sketches—the minstrel and showman -will find in this book all the -sketches they want to set a house in a -rip-roarious laughter. It also contains -the latest jokes that were sprung by the -most successful minstrel shows and the -most successful comedians throughout -this country and the United Kingdom. -In fact, it is pre-eminently the best -and most comprehensive collection of -sketches, conundrums and jokes put on -the market at so low a price. It will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, -on receipt of <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address all orders to -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center"><span class="bold-serif p120">Wehman’s Book of</span> -<span class="p160 sans">700</span> -<span class="bold-serif p120">Secrets;</span><br /> -<span class="bold-serif p120">or How to</span><br /> -<span class="bold-serif">GET RICH WHEN YOUR POCKETS ARE EMPTY.</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width293"> -<img src="images/secrets.jpg" width="293" height="443" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>A $2.00 book for 30 cents. Reader, are -you poor? This may be the stepping-stone -to your future prosperity. It will -lead you to something that is just as -sure to pave your way to fortune as -that you now exist. A bright future -is yours if you only stretch out your -hand and grasp the golden key that -unlocks the vault that opens to your -astonished gaze the hidden treasure. -Any person, male or female, married -or single, with just a little pluck, will -be enabled with any one of the 700 receipts -in this book to make a start on -the sure road to wealth and luxury. -Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -<span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address all orders to -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center">THE MYSTERY OF<br /> -<span class="p140 bold-serif">Love, Courtship and Marriage Explained</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width292"> -<img src="images/mystery.jpg" width="292" height="445" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>This book explains how maidens -may become happy wives, and bachelors -become happy husbands, in a brief -space of time and by easy methods. -Also, complete directions for declaring -intentions, accepting vows, and retaining -affection both before and after -marriage, describing the invitations, -the dresses, the ceremony, and the -proper behavior of both bride and -bridegroom, whether in public or behind -the nuptial curtain. It also tells -plainly how to begin courting, the -way to get over bashfulness, the way -to “sit up,” the way to find the soft -spot in a sweetheart’s breast, the way -to write a love letter, the way to easily -win a girl’s consent, the way to “do -up things” before and after engagement, -and hundreds of other things of vast importance to -lovers. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">Address all orders to -<span class="p120">WEHMAN BROS.</span>, 158 Park Row, New York.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> - -<p class="center"><span class="bold-serif p120">Hoffman’s</span><br /> -<span class="p140 sans">TRICKS WITH CARDS</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width275"> -<img src="images/tricks.jpg" width="275" height="412" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>Containing all the modern tricks, diversions -and sleight-of-hand deceptions, -with descriptive diagrams, showing -how to make the pass; to force a card; -to make a false shuffle; to palm a card; -to ruffle the cards; to change a card; to -get sight of a drawn card; to slip a card; -to draw back a card; to turn over the -pack; to spring the cards from one hand -to the other; to throw a card; simple -modes of discovering a given card; to -make a card vanish from the pack and -be found in a person’s pocket; to place -the four kings in different parts of the -pack, and to bring them together by a -simple cut; to allow a person to think -of a card, and to make that card appear -at such number in the pack as another person shall name; to -guess four cards thought of by different persons. Sent by -mail, postpaid, on receipt of <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>.</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">WEHMAN BROS., -158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY.</p> - - - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<p class="center"><span class="p120 bold-serif">NAPOLEON’S</span><br /> -<span class="p140 sans">ORACULUM</span><br /> -<span class="p120 bold-serif">AND BOOK OF FATE</span><br /> -<span class="bold-serif">(32 QUESTIONS),</span></p> - -<p class="center sans">PRICE 30 CENTS.</p> - -<div class="figleft width277"> -<img src="images/oraculum.jpg" width="277" height="415" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="noi">Being a complete fortune-teller that embraces -næviology, or fortune-telling by -moles; physiognomy, or the art of fortune-telling -by the lines and forms of the -face, hair, eyes, etc.; rules for finding -the natural temperament of any person.</p> - -<p class="center">——ALSO——</p> - -<p class="center sans mb0">FORTUNE-TELLING BY CARDS;</p> -<p class="noi mt0">together with palmistry, or judgments -drawn from the hand and from the nails -of the fingers; fortune-telling by the -grounds of the coffee-cup; charms, -spells, incantations, etc.; signs of a speedy -marriage and how to choose good husbands -and wives; also fortune-telling by -dice, fortunate and unfortunate days, etc. -Price <span class="sans">30 Cents</span>, by mail, postpaid. Address</p> - -<p class="center underscore sans">WEHMAN BROS., -158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY.</p> - - -<div class="section"> -<hr class="divider" /> -</div> -<div class="tn"> -<p class="center">Transcriber’s Note:</p> - -<p class="center">Perceived printer errors have been changed.</p> -</div> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' 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