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Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd35dc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60973 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60973) diff --git a/old/60973-0.txt b/old/60973-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index a59f6aa..0000000 --- a/old/60973-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,3591 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1. - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: December 20, 2019 [EBook #60973] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' VAUDEVILLE JOKES #1 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards, Sue Clark, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - WEHMAN BROS.’ - VAUDEVILLE - JOKES - No. 1. - - - PUBLISHED BY - WEHMAN BROS., 126 Park Row, - NEW YORK. - - Copyright, MCMVII, by WEHMAN BROS. - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ BOOK ON HOW TO BECOME AN American Citizen - -PRICE 15 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -This new and revised edition has been compiled to the present time, -and contains valuable information for a foreigner to know before -becoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This practical volume -embraces the following, viz:--Declaration of Independence--Articles -of Confederation--Constitution of the United States--Time required to -procure residence in the United States, and the States of the United -States--Declaration of Allegiance--Proof of Residence--Admission of -Aliens--Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, -District and State Supreme Courts--Costs of Fees, etc. It is -well-printed, on a good quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, -and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of -=15 Cents=. - ---> _Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY -ORDER._ - ---> _FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED._ - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ - -Vaudeville Jokes No. 1. - - -The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the summer the iceman’s -harvest, so that it’s possible the milkman finds his greatest profit in -the spring. - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a grocer who uses false weights and a -highwayman? - -The tradesman lies in weight, while the highwayman lies in wait. - - * * * * * - -I saw Romeo and Juliet in a restaurant last night. Juliet ordered some -soft-shelled crabs and Romeo ordered a cup of tea. Now, the question -arises, does Rome-o for what Juli-et? - - * * * * * - -You know my girl? Her name is Plaster. I go to court Plaster every -night. She is a poor girl, but there are lots of other girls as por-ous -Plaster. I took her out riding the other day, when the horse ran away -and threw her out and broke her leg in four places, and her arm in -three places. I got some sticking plaster and put on her leg and arm, -and then carried her home. Next morning she wouldn’t speak to me. - -Why not? - -She was too stuck up. - - * * * * * - -How old did you say your daughter was? - -Twenty-two. - -Gracious, but she’s young for her age. - - * * * * * - -George Washington was the bravest man in the world. He was never licked -in his life. - -Oh, yes he was; he was licked on a postage stamp. - -Then they had to do it behind his back. - - * * * * * - -It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get up again? - -Of course it does, in dew time. - - * * * * * - -I dared to go up on Broadway to-day and a team ran over me. Just as I -was getting up, the driver shouted: “Look out!” - -And what did you say? - -I said: “Are you coming back?” - - * * * * * - -I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the -congregation and said if I didn’t get my umbrella I would come here -next Sunday and mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning when -I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas. - - * * * * * - -If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will have to diet. - -What color do you prefer? - - * * * * * - -When you put on your stockings, why are you sure to make a mistake? - -Because you put your foot in it. - - * * * * * - -“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?” - -“You did not. Tell me about it.” - -“No use--there’s nothing in it.” - - * * * * * - -“The President is going to have his name stamped on eighty million -toothpicks.” - -“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.” - - * * * * * - -When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver with me. - -Don’t you do it. - -Why? - -Because it will melt where you are going. - - * * * * * - -Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right. - -I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday when he said you -were a blooming idiot? - - * * * * * - -The young man in love doesn’t care so much about having a yacht at sea -as having a little smack ashore. - - * * * * * - -How do you spell mule? - -M-l-e. - -That isn’t right; you left something out. - -Yes. I left _you_ out. - - * * * * * - -“How are you to-day?” - -“Oh, I can’t kick.” - -“Thought you were ill.” - -“I am--I have the gout.” - - * * * * * - -A little girl went to the drug store for some pills. - -“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s my uncle,” replied the -little girl. - - * * * * * - -That’s my umbrella you have there. - -Well, I got it in a pawnshop. - -Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day. - - * * * * * - -“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, did not have -a pair of shoes to cover his feet.” - -“And when was that, pray?” - -“At the time he was bathing.” - - * * * * * - -How do you like my suit? - -A beautiful suit; who made it? - -Carrie Nation. - -Why, is she a tailor? - -Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close. - - * * * * * - -What are you crying about? - -A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out of the carriage, and he -has been laid up for six months. - -Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible accident, too; only his -was different; he ran away with the horse. He’s laid up now for six -years. - - * * * * * - -What are you doing now? - -I’m brakes-man on a canal boat. - -What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal boat? - -Breaking up wood for the cook. - - * * * * * - -I see they are going to have umbrellas made square. - -What for? - -Because they are not safe to leave a-round. - - * * * * * - -Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a whiskey firm to -name a new brand after him. No doubt it will be a good liquor to make -strong punches with. - - * * * * * - -“And now that we are married, dear, how do you think I will strike your -mother?” - -“Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin abusing mother right -away, are you?” - - * * * * * - -Did you hear about it--my wife is married. - -To whom? - -Why, to me, of course. - - * * * * * - -Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike? - -I don’t know. - -They are both sheeneys. - - * * * * * - -“Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the street, “what do you -take for a heavy cold?” “A fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he -passed on. - - * * * * * - -_Mrs. Peck_ (hearing a racket in the hall)--What are you up to now, -Henry? - -_Mr. Peck_ (feebly)--I’m not up to anything, my dear. I just fell down -stairs. - - * * * * * - -I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, and the conductor -came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on -the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to New -York again. I got on another train and went out about thirty miles, and -the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, -you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk back to New York -again. I got on another train, and, of course, was mad and began to -swear; a minister, sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, stop -your swearing. Do you know you are on the road to hell?” I said: “Here -I am on the wrong train again,” and I had to get off. - - * * * * * - -“You would be a good dancer but for two things.” - -“What are they?” - -“Your feet.” - - * * * * * - -_Gas Man_--Hello! Tom, what are you doing these days? - -_Pork Packer_--I’m in the meat business. What are you doing? - -_Gas Man_--I go you one degree better. I’m in the meter business. - - * * * * * - -I went fishing to-day. - -What did you catch? - -I caught a good eel. - -While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water six feet deep. - -Oh, come off the perch. - - * * * * * - -I see your sister is getting quite stout now. - -Yes; she is working in a studio. - -What has that got to do with it? - -Why, she works in the developing room. - - * * * * * - -Who was George Washington’s father? - -Who? - -Old man Washington, of course. - - * * * * * - -I’m surprised at you squandering so much money on a phonograph. - -Well, money talks, you know. - - * * * * * - -“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!” - -“What’s the matter now?” - -“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper Trust?” - - * * * * * - -Do you attend the bicycle school now? - -No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils up there. - - * * * * * - -If a man should cut off his knee, where would he go to get another one? - -Where? - -To Africa. - -Why? - -That’s where the ne-groes. - - * * * * * - -How is your wife now? - -Oh, she’s all right, I guess. - -She’s got you guessing, eh? - - * * * * * - -“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s -where I got acquainted with him.” - - * * * * * - -I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture. - -What did he say? - -Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose painted! - - * * * * * - -_Benedict_--“I’ve been carrying the baby around the door for a week -back.” - -_Bachelor_--“Carrying the baby for a week back? Pshaw! That’s no remedy -at all. What you want for a weak back is a porous plaster.” - - * * * * * - -I went black-berrying to-day. - -You did? - -Yes. I went to a colored funeral. - - * * * * * - -“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?” - -“She gave me a turndown.” - - * * * * * - -The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will make it hot for us. - -Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor has ever done. - - * * * * * - -I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he had his bridle on and -couldn’t eat a bit. - - * * * * * - -“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do I; only somebody else -generally has the fun.” - - * * * * * - -“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you take your medicine -without crying?” “No; but she gives me something if I don’t.” - - * * * * * - -“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the -morning and bang things about because the coffee is cold?” _Wife_: “I -would make it hot for you.” - - * * * * * - -“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? How did you come out?” -“Through the window!” - - * * * * * - -“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” “I am, my dear--as -little as possible.” - - * * * * * - -_Emmy_--“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but not the least idea -what I am to go in. What would you wear if you had my complexion?” -_Fanny_--“A thick veil.” - - * * * * * - -I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in two months. - -How is that? - -He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times. - - * * * * * - -“Were you moved when the old gentleman said you could never marry his -daughter?” “Yes; I was moved half way across the sidewalk.” - - * * * * * - -“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.” - - * * * * * - -“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a -double chin?” - - * * * * * - -“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between -five and a half and six feet.” - - * * * * * - -“How do you make chickens good fighters?” - -“Feed them scraps.” - - * * * * * - -A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself -up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had -fallen off. - - * * * * * - -Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light. - - * * * * * - -“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer -of a witness in an assault and battery case. - -“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.” - -“What next?” - -“Two glasses of whiskey.” - -“Next?” - -“One glass of brandy.” - -“Next?” - -“A FIGHT.” - - * * * * * - -“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper. - -“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door. - -“Cut it out,” cried the scissors. - -“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet. - -“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror. - -“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write -for mine.” - -“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters. - -Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot -under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the -matter, went out. - - * * * * * - -“So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to -wait long for a husband, did you?” - -“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.” - - * * * * * - -There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all -the prisoners “broke out.” - - * * * * * - -At dinner the other day there was a young lady dining opposite me. -I asked her to pass the ice-cream. She did so and I took one big -spoonful. I cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young lady -asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was thinking of old times and -a brother who was hung in Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took -a spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she was crying and she -said: “I’m crying because you weren’t hung the same time your brother -was.” - - * * * * * - -An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had an “early fall.” - - * * * * * - -Is your father still running a bunco game? - -My father runs a hotel. - -Well, that’s the same thing,--he’s bunking people. - - * * * * * - -My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel yesterday. - - * * * * * - -What is a strait? - -A rubber-neck. - -No, it is a neck running out to sea. - -Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck? - - * * * * * - -Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result was a “draw.” A -man who was doing some “bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them -arrested. One was discharged because he had a “pull” with the judge; -the other dentist is now “filling” in time. - - * * * * * - -“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.” - -“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just beginning!” - - * * * * * - -A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and settled in Canada. - - * * * * * - -“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” “Why, you said you -always have to buy flies when you go fishing.” - - * * * * * - -A church choir played a game of ball the other day. The preacher came -out to the ground to compare “notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when -the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went home “alto”-gether. - - * * * * * - -“My husband has given up smoking.” - -“It must have taken some will-power.” - -“All I had.” - - * * * * * - -“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, as he bought the ice -cream for the girls on the piazza. - -“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat to-morrow.” - - * * * * * - -Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee? - -No. - -That settles it. - - * * * * * - -“What’s the difference between the mumps and the measles?” - -“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles you break out.” - - * * * * * - -_Inventor_--If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll-- - -_Wife_ (alarmed)--W-what, Frank? - -_Inventor_--Have to! - - * * * * * - -“What drove you to drink?” - -“Thirst.” - - * * * * * - -A colored man by the name of Berry was working for a farmer (who was -somewhat of a wag). Addressing him one morning, he said, “Go gather in -the straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the goose, Berry; the -older ones the elder, Berry; the girls the black, Berry, and don’t look -so blue, Berry.” - - * * * * * - -“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.” - -“Oh, yes, twice.” - -“Twice?” - -“Yes, once when we first met and another time she hit me on the head -with a rolling pin.” - - * * * * * - -“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy day?” - -“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.” - - * * * * * - -Two young ladies took a long tramp through the woods. Who brought him -back? - - * * * * * - -“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?” - -“Coming, sir--half a minute.” - -“Confound you! How slow you are.” - -“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.” - - * * * * * - -“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool--why, I shivered.” - - * * * * * - -I went out to the races and bet. - -How did you come out? - -At the gate. - - * * * * * - -“How old are you?” - -“Some take me for fifteen.” - -“Street cars take me for five.” - - * * * * * - -“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.” - -“What is he, a pawnbroker?” - -“No, he’s a bartender.” - - * * * * * - -“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this morning?” - -“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.” - -“Oh, your mother?” - -“No, my washwoman.” - - * * * * * - -Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast? - -Sure I do. - -Glue it to the floor. - - * * * * * - -If I ever hit you, you will never forget it. - -If I ever hit you, you will never remember it. - - * * * * * - -Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? To keep the calf from -the corn. - - * * * * * - -“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars fine for smoking.” - -“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.” - - * * * * * - -“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.” - -“On the dead?” - - * * * * * - -“What are you doing now?” - -“I’m working on the town clock.” - -“If that’s so you must be working overtime.” - - * * * * * - -A girl goes into a store to buy garters. - -“What kind?” - -“Rubber.” - -“I’d lose my job if I did.” - - * * * * * - -“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an orphan asylum.” - -“Yes.” - -“What did he leave?” - -“Fifteen children.” - - * * * * * - -“Do you know ping-pong?” - -“Sure! He washes my shirts.” - - * * * * * - -There was a German friend of mine who was quite sick for some time. -The doctor told him he might eat anything he wanted. He told his -wife he believed he would like some Limburger cheese. His wife was a -good-hearted woman; she went out and got twenty pounds of this distinct -cheese, and put some in every room in the house, that he might get a -nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the aroma in that house). -The doctor called the next morning, and rang the bell; when the servant -opened the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, “When did he -die?” - - * * * * * - -“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.” - -“If you do I’ll put words to it.” - - * * * * * - -Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco. - -What kind of tobacco is that? - -Chewing. - - * * * * * - -When a man longs for money he is generally short. - - * * * * * - -“You have a big head this morning.” - -“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.” - -“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!” - -“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water just the same as you can -on land.” - - * * * * * - -A GIRL WANTED (in a bakery).--A _rising_ young woman from the -(y)east, must be _floury_ in speech, well _bread_ and not inclined -to _loaf_, not get _mixed up_, be _pie_-us and sober. To such a one -her _dough_ will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl able -to _cracker_ joke and _kneeding_ this job may apply to Miss LADY -FINGER or LUKE WARMWATER. - -_Doughnut_ come unless well recommended. One preferred who can _roll -up_ and _turn over bun_-dles so quickly as to take the _cake_, but not -be _tart_, _snap_-py or _crust_-y or _puff_unctory in her conduct. - - * * * * * - -“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?” - -“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you know, if she went in -without it.” - - * * * * * - -“Does your wife miss you much?” - -“No; she can throw as straight as I can.” - - * * * * * - -“Did you ever see a pig wash?” - -“No, but I saw pig iron.” - - * * * * * - -“How is your farm this year?” - -“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they couldn’t see to grow.” - - * * * * * - -_She_--I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can’t find it -anywhere. - -_He_--Did you look among the Vs, dear? - - * * * * * - -I would never play poker with a dentist. - -Why not? - -It’s too easy for him to draw and fill. - - * * * * * - -“Well, Tom, what are you working at now?” - -“Nutting.” - -“Nothing--well, that’s a healthy occupation for a big man.” - -“Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting nuts on bolts, ain’t -that nutting?” - - * * * * * - -I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach. - -That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the -beer settle. - - * * * * * - -“I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.” - -“Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married a little over a year.” - -“I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.” - - * * * * * - -What did the Judge say when you sassed him? - -He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty days. - - * * * * * - -Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a pair of silk hose. -I told her that Ten Dollars was too much to pay for a pair of silk -stockings. She said she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she -wanted something to show for her money. - - * * * * * - -Did you ever hear a fairy story? - -Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who pinched his watch. - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a cat and a match? - -A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its head. - - * * * * * - -“I saw a freak of nature yesterday.” - -“What was it?” - -“A baby born with human hands and bear feet.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your wife a victim of bargain days?” - -“No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.” - - * * * * * - -“Horrible fire in the shoe factory.” - -“Any lives lost?” - -“A thousand souls” (soles). - - * * * * * - -Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty 11 inches long? - -I don’t know. - -Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been a foot. - - * * * * * - -“My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.” - -“That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp with his nose.” - - * * * * * - -“What would you do if I should kiss you?” - -“I should call for help?” - -“H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?” - - * * * * * - -“Do you think there is any danger in going up in a balloon?” - -“Not half as much as there is in coming down.” - - * * * * * - -“I married my typewriter.” - -“Why?” - -“So I can dictate to her.” - - * * * * * - -My wife gave birth to triplets. - -Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding? - - * * * * * - -“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked. - -She nodded her sweet permission; - -So we went to press, and I rather guess - -I printed a large edition. - - * * * * * - -“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.” - -“What does he do?” - -“Hires root beer.” - - * * * * * - -“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through -the mattress and fell into the spring.” - - * * * * * - -“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.” - -“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and -sixty.” - - * * * * * - -“Are you still following the races?” - -“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.” - - * * * * * - -“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?” - -“O, he’s gone into real estate.” - -“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.” - -“It was; he’s dead.” - - * * * * * - -When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to -cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to -go to church right away. - - * * * * * - -_Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle! - -_Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a -little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer? - - * * * * * - -“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a -blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.” - -“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk -back?” - -“No, I rode back in an ambulance.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your sister ever out of temper?” - -“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.” - - * * * * * - -“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as he came in. - -“About one.” - -Just then the clock struck three. - -“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” he asked, with a -feeble attempt at justification and a joke. - - * * * * * - -“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you wore last winter?” - -“They have gone to the wall.” - -“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?” - -“Yes, but the patent expired.” - - * * * * * - -What is the difference between a man and a hen? - -A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without burning himself, and a -hen can’t. - - * * * * * - -My brother had over fifty thousand men under him. - -He must have been a great general. - -No, he was in a balloon. - - * * * * * - -I wish that the good Lord had made me a man. - -Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet. - - * * * * * - -“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.” - -“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.” - -“Oh, I only fell off the first round.” - - * * * * * - -“There was a fight at the baker shop.” - -“What caused it?” - -“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.” - - * * * * * - -“Do you know my brother?” - -“Which one, the one with the smooth face?” - -“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted to beat his wife -last night, and two policemen rushed in just in time to prevent murder.” - -“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?” - -“No, to the hospital.” - - * * * * * - -If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens say? - -I don’t know; what would they say? - -Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade. - - * * * * * - -I used to work in a watch factory. - -What did you do? - -I made faces. - - * * * * * - -“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired the old lady in -the Grand Central depot. - -“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.” - -“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a depot?” - -“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas solemnly. - - * * * * * - -How did that sausage that you ate agree with you? - -It hurt my liver wurst. - - * * * * * - -A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in the gallery of the -church pelting the hearers in the pews below with horse chestnuts. As -the good man looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your preaching, -Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.” - - * * * * * - -“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your wife had?” - -“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.” - -“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that you beat her.” - - * * * * * - -We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We take it away from her. - - * * * * * - -“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?” - -“Flushing Long Island.” - - * * * * * - -“They say that whiskey has killed more men than bullets.” - -“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, wouldn’t you?” - - * * * * * - -“Hello, is this you, Doctor?” - -“Yes,” says Doctor. - -“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up at once and help me to -pull her through.” - - * * * * * - -Beer always makes me fat. - -Beer makes me lean--against telegraph poles and houses. - - * * * * * - -“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” asked the doubting -customer. - -“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” said the shop girl, -“and they are not broken yet. And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m -engaged.” - - * * * * * - -“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.” - -“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once on water.” - -“On water! and you lived?” - -“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a canal boat.” - - * * * * * - -“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.” - -“Why?” - -“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.” - - * * * * * - -A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood and thereupon -asked him where he supposed he’d go if he told such stories. The -janitor replied that wherever he went he expected he’d be making fires -for the school-teachers. - - * * * * * - -A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The minister said: -“You see what drink does.” - -_Drunken Barber_--“Yes. It makes the skin verra tender.” - - * * * * * - -I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in Chicago. A street-car -run over a little girl and cut both of her hands off. I ran to her and -was going to pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!” - - * * * * * - -“How’s your brother?” - -“Why, my brother is away for three years.” - -“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.” - -“Well, my brother’s smart.” - -“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.” - -“Well, you never mind my brother.” - -“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding him.” - - * * * * * - -“Where do you think I got this collar?” - -“Where?” - -“Around my neck.” - - * * * * * - -“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t know how to get it over -here.” - -“Well, just sit down and think it over.” - - * * * * * - -A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If your people want to see -a big hog, come out to my farm and ask for me.” - - * * * * * - -“Ma, what is an angel?” - -“An angel is one that flies.” - -“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.” - -“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.” - - * * * * * - -I can’t sing since I worked for a baker. - -Why not? - -I can’t get any higher than dough. - - * * * * * - -“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?” - -“He pulled my leg.” - - * * * * * - -“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.” - -“Why is that?” - -“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.” - - * * * * * - -“They say that Eve is the only woman that never looked behind her to -see what the other woman had on. But then you know she was only a side -issue.” - - * * * * * - -I took a prize once on these roller skates. - -How did you do it? - -The man wasn’t looking. - - * * * * * - -Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced recently as -“fifteen cents” (three nickels). - - * * * * * - -“Did your sister marry a rich husband?” - -“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.” - - * * * * * - -“What’s your occupation?” - -“I’m janitor of a car.” - -“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. I’ve heard of the -janitor of a flat.” - -“Well, this is a flat car.” - - * * * * * - -I cut my dog’s tail off. - -Did it make any difference with his carriage? - -No, but it stopped his wagon. - - * * * * * - -The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat beside the pretty girl -was vacant. Going over, he said: “Is this seat engaged?” - -“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you any good.” - - * * * * * - -“No more parlor matches. They’re against the law,” said Reginald. - -“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily leading the way. - - * * * * * - -“I did a good thing to-day.” - -“Where did you meet him?” - - * * * * * - -“How long was your father in the penitentiary?” - -“Ten years.” - -“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were they?” - -“No, you have to take your time there.” - - * * * * * - -The other day I started on a business trip and told my wife I would not -be home that night. I missed the train and arrived home at about eleven -o’clock. My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that you, Jack?” -I remain at home now. - -P. S.--My name is Bill. - - * * * * * - -“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said the office boy’s -mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised for a strong boy and that’s -what he is----” - -“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; “in the single day -he was here he broke all the rules of this office and some of the -furniture.” - - * * * * * - -A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell me if I can get -through this gate to the park?” - -He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went through.” - - * * * * * - -When your wife died, did she leave you any real estate? - -Yes, she left the earth. - - * * * * * - -My wife dresses out of sight. - -That’s the proper place for her to dress. - - * * * * * - -_Widson_--I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry his typewriter? - -_Booler_--Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying for years to get a -typewriter of his own? - - * * * * * - -“Is your watch all right, now?” - -“No, but it’s gaining.” - - * * * * * - -George Little has a wife and nine children and only earns eight dollars -a week but he gets along splendidly. - -How does he manage to do it on such a small salary? - -Why, every little helps. - - * * * * * - -The other day an ear of corn was run over by an automobile and three -kernels were killed. - - * * * * * - -_She_--We haven’t seen much of you this week. - -_He_--I saw a good deal--at least I saw you--er--last Tuesday. - -_She_--Did you? Where was I? Cycling? - -_He_--Not at the moment. You were just falling over the handles. - - * * * * * - -I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come from miles around to -see him cut up, he’s a butcher, and he always dresses to kill. - - * * * * * - -“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual motion.” - -“What does he model it on?” - -“His wife’s tongue.” - - * * * * * - -Are you a carpenter? - -Yes. - -How would you make a Venetian blind? - -Punch him in the eye. - - * * * * * - -There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch table and mamma divided -it between Willie and Elsie. Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate. - -“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my pudding when you haven’t -any. Take Elsie’s.” - - * * * * * - -“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the dead-letter office?” - -“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so perfectly killing.” - - * * * * * - -Do you know that my little dog is dead? - -I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else -went up the alley and died by the yard. - -Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot. - - * * * * * - -_Husband_--Why are you so angry at the doctor? - -_Wife_--When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, he told me to -show him my tongue. - - * * * * * - -In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot while filing the bars -of his cell in an effort to escape. The pistol failed to explode and -the prisoner finally dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol -refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a second, then with -great presence of mind, he raised both hands and exclaimed in a tone of -horror: “My God! He’s swallowed the file!” - - * * * * * - -Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence. - -All right. Come along with me to the nearest prison. - - * * * * * - -“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.” - -“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his -widow and children.” - - * * * * * - -My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very -well together. - -Why don’t she get a transfer? - - * * * * * - -“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before -turning on the _x_-rays. - - * * * * * - -_Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime? - -_Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye. - -_Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel. - - * * * * * - -“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to -hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there -with the cigar, all right.” - -“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.” - -“No? What was he?” - -“A cigar-holder.” - - * * * * * - -“Doesn’t her hair look killing?” - -“No wonder; it’s dyed.” - - * * * * * - -“If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.” - -“Bring it over to the house fish day.” - - * * * * * - -“How did you get your start in life?” - -“My little sister shoved me downstairs.” - -“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?” - -“I made all of my money selling wisdom.” - -“Oh, then you were a bookseller.” - -“No, I was a bookmaker.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?” - -“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.” - - * * * * * - -“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.” - -“The river?” - -“The installment jeweler’s bill.” - - * * * * * - -The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no -bettor. - - * * * * * - -I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the -scent of my feet. - -Why don’t you take a bath and fool him? - - * * * * * - -“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see -what I’m a-doin’ of?” - -“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.” - -“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody -axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to -the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.” - - * * * * * - -_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the -house in the morning and when I come home at night. - -_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you. - - * * * * * - -“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the -family.” - -“Why, dear?” - -“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa -say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’” - - * * * * * - -“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?” - -“What does?” - -“A nickel and a quarter.” - - * * * * * - -“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?” - -“Oh, he’s taken up with it.” - - * * * * * - -_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone! - -_Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked? - -_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn. - - * * * * * - -Where are you living now? - -Up in the tenth story of a brick building. - -Have you got any children? - -No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them. - - * * * * * - -“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but -cow-hide!” - -“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper. - -“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?” - -“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the -other boys.” - - * * * * * - -_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?” - -_Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?” - -_Guest_--“No.” - -_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?” - - * * * * * - -Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move? - -I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana -stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly. - - * * * * * - -Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If -he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And -there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his -mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay. - - * * * * * - -Is the Lord everywhere? - -Yes, my child. - -Is he in our cellar? - -Yes, dear. - -He is not. We have no cellar. - - * * * * * - -A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head -and tail on the same end. - - * * * * * - -_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away? - -_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding. - -_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house? - -_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty. - - * * * * * - -“What makes you so foolish?” - -“It’s my mother’s fault.” - -“Why, how is that?” - -“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.” - - * * * * * - -“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board; -“will you mind it?” - -“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you -think I’m a nurse?” - - * * * * * - -“What did you get that bronze medal for?” - -“For singing.” - -“What did you get the gold one for?” - -“For quitting.” - - * * * * * - -“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.” - -“Yes. In a millinery store?” - -“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with -cold.” - - * * * * * - -_Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.” - -_Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this -place’ll be stirred up.” - -_Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?” - -_Rube_--“Ploughin’.” - - * * * * * - -“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She -wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will -you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’” - -“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’” - - * * * * * - -“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.” - -“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.” - - * * * * * - -What is your business? - -I am a diamond cutter. - -Where did you ever cut any diamonds? - -Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the grass off of the diamond. - - * * * * * - -A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look at it and she said, -“Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I thought it was real.” - - * * * * * - -“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.” - -“What was the color of her hair?” - -“I didn’t notice her face.” - - * * * * * - -How do you like married life? - -Oh, I live like a bird. - -How is that? - -I have to fly for my life. - - * * * * * - -“They say that the blind can determine color by the sense of touch?” - -“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to tell a red-hot stove by -merely putting his finger on it.” - - * * * * * - -“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?” - -“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t lose.” - - * * * * * - -“Is that punch bowl cut glass?” - -“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.” - - * * * * * - -“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that face?’ I told him -that it belonged to me, and he said he didn’t know but that I’d beat a -bull-dog out of it. The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor -his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his teeth.” - - * * * * * - -“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He never buys any coal. He -lives near a railroad and makes faces at the engineer.” - - * * * * * - -“I saw your sister on the street to-day.” - -“How was she looking?” - -“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.” - -“How did you know it was my sister?” - -“Oh, I’m quick at figures.” - - * * * * * - -“What do you take for the grip?” - -“Oh, I get it without taking anything.” - - * * * * * - -You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry? - -Yes. - -I pawned it for five dollars. - -That’s time wasted. - - * * * * * - -_Old Lady_ (sniffing)--“What’s that odor I smell?” - -_Farmer_--“That’s fertilizer.” - -_Old Lady_ (astonished)--“For the land’s sake!” - -_Farmer_--“Yes, ma’am.” - - * * * * * - -I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who came to take my order -said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and--” I -interrupted her. I said, “You ought to see a doctor.” - - * * * * * - -When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with -him? - -I suppose they get him a bed of his own. - -No. They boycott him. - - * * * * * - -_Critic_--Your work seems a little raw. - -_Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough. - - * * * * * - -My sister’s husband got a divorce from her. - -What for? - -For making bad coffee. - -That was poor grounds. - - * * * * * - -_Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon. - -_Jill_--Because he’s out late nights? - -_Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full. - - * * * * * - -“We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.” - -“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks -like!” - - * * * * * - -“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the -mother the third time. - -“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature. - -And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope -Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.” - - * * * * * - -“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?” - -“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?” - -“Yes.” - -“I could see his pupils.” - - * * * * * - -“I’m following the horses now.” - -“Are you beating them?” - -“No. I lost my whip.” - - * * * * * - -“You remind me of a river.” - -“How so?” - -“The biggest part of you is your mouth.” - - * * * * * - -“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.” - -“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never -noticed me.” - - * * * * * - -_Myra_--“What kind of a husband would you advise me to get?” - -_Jessie_--“You get a single man and let the husbands alone.” - - * * * * * - -_Hiram_--“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when yew got buncoed by -thet there confidence feller.” - -_Josh_--“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?” - - * * * * * - -“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. Why, she could carry -him in her pocket.” - -“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket all the time after he -marries her.” - - * * * * * - -“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?” - -“Oh, about three seconds.” - -“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?” - -“No limit.” - - * * * * * - -“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?” - -“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.” - - * * * * * - -“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came over in the Mayflower,” -said Miss South Church. - -“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not quite understand. “Our -folks made their fortune in September wheat.” - - * * * * * - -What is an Island? - -A pimple on the Ocean. - -What is a strait? - -Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King. - - * * * * * - -“What did you steal that cradle for?” - -“Oh, just for a kid.” - - * * * * * - -“Why, the bare idea!” - -“Of what, dear?” - -“Telling the naked truth!” - - * * * * * - -“Are you going to the seashore this summer?” - -“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last year.” - -“Not enough men?” - -“No; too many mosquitoes.” - - * * * * * - -“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.” - -“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. See?” - - * * * * * - -“I was down to the race track yesterday and played a horse 20 to 1.” - -“Well?” - -“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.” - - * * * * * - -“Airships will be all the rage soon.” - -“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a rage.” - - * * * * * - -“Seeing is believing, you know.” - -“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom believe you.” - - * * * * * - -“What is a profitless enterprise?” - -“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.” - - * * * * * - -“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.” - -“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch in one.” - - * * * * * - -I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas City, Kan., $1 each -annually--won’t it work a hardship on them? - -They can easily scrape up the money. - - * * * * * - -“That young man who calls on you twice a week stays too late. You will -have to sit down on him.” - -“Why, I do, mamma.” - - * * * * * - -Do you know Minnie Fish? - -Yes, I’m going to drop her a line. - - * * * * * - -“Does your wife miss you when you are away from home?” - -“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at home.” - -“How’s that?” - -“Her aim isn’t accurate.” - - * * * * * - -“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.” - -“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.” - -“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize with the tailor.” - - * * * * * - -Did you hear about Waters the iceman? - -No! what about him? - -Why, he went on the stage. - -Was he a success? - -No, he was a frost. - - * * * * * - -“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You acted like a fish out of -water.” - -“Yes, I was a sucker.” - - * * * * * - -“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine to-day?” - -“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.” - - * * * * * - -“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.” - -“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.” - - * * * * * - -“My, but you have large ears!” - -“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.” - - * * * * * - -“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?” - -“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.” - - * * * * * - -“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?” - -“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the -rest.” - - * * * * * - -“What are you crying about?” - -“Oh, they are not regular tears.” - -“What are they, then?” - -“They’re just volunteers.” - - * * * * * - -I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots -of dust. - -Yes, he was a street-sweeper. - - * * * * * - -“Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?” - -“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.” - - * * * * * - -“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?” - -“Yes, husband.” - -“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?” - - * * * * * - -“We had short-cake for tea.” - -“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!” - - * * * * * - -“Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?” - -“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!” - - * * * * * - -Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him -to drink. How different it is with men! - - * * * * * - -_Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?” - -_Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he -punched the ticket.” - - * * * * * - -_Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies? - -_S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.” - - * * * * * - -Do you like corn on the ear? - -I never had one there. - - * * * * * - -_Bill_--Do you think betting is wrong. - -_Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is. - - * * * * * - -“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.” - -“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?” - -“What good would it do?” - -“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the -reward.” - - * * * * * - -A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud -hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a -small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch -in a roll of yer butter.” - - * * * * * - -“What is your brother doing?” - -“Six months.” - - * * * * * - -“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?” - -“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow gave him caws.” - - * * * * * - -_Bill_--That man is a horrible liar. - -_Jill_--Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it. - - * * * * * - -“My landlord is a checker-player.” - -“What makes you think so?” - -“He told me it was my move.” - -“Yes?” - -“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me jump.” - - * * * * * - -“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.” - -“He did, but she dyed.” - - * * * * * - -You ought to learn violin. - -Why? - -It will give your chin a rest. - - * * * * * - -“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining the young man, -“seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.” - -“With my heart?” - -“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.” - -“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t -her name at all.” - - * * * * * - -“Do you know what it is to love a woman?” - -“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she married.” [Sadly.] - -“Whom did she marry?” - -“Me.” - - * * * * * - -_He_--Why has he put her picture in his watch? - -_She_--Because he thinks she will love him in time. - - * * * * * - -_She_--My but I was shy when the parson asked me my age. - -_He_--Yes, about ten years shy. - - * * * * * - -“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.” - -“Did you leave him there?” - - * * * * * - -_Jack_--“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked up for stealing -kisses?” - -_Flo_--“Well, I think he ought to be _tied_ up.” - - * * * * * - -_Young Wife_--“How do you like my cooking? Don’t you think I’ve begun -well?” - -_Husband_--“Um--yes. I’ve often heard that well begun is half done.” - - * * * * * - -“He is a dealer in drawing materials.” - -“Crayons?” - -“No, mustard plasters.” - - * * * * * - -_Harry_--Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened to me the other -day--I was riding on a Sixth Avenue car when a very fine young lady -entered the car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my seat. - -_Charlie_--That was proper, perfectly proper. - -_Harry_--Well, I only done it to see how I stood. - - * * * * * - -They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the skylight of one of -the skyscrapers. - -“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came through and landed on -the floor. - -“Scotland.” - -“How do you know?” - -“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!” - - * * * * * - -“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach last night, only for -one thing.” - -“What was that--some one take you out for dinner?” - -“No, I slept on my back.” - - * * * * * - -“Where were you?” - -“Down on Wall Street.” - -“Well, what were you doing down there?” - -“Buying wall paper.” - - * * * * * - -_She_--Yes, my husband run away and shook me when I was forty-five. - -_He_--That’s not a bad shake. - - * * * * * - -Are they twins? - -They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl. - - * * * * * - -“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?” - -“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house keeping.” - - * * * * * - -When does the bank cashier buy a yacht? - -When he’s going to be a skipper. - - * * * * * - -“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you get it twisted.” - -“What is that?” - -“A corkscrew.” - - * * * * * - -“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little Archie at dinner, on -the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh was present as the guest of honor. - -“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?” - -“Why, you told mamma this morning that you were going to bring a -‘muttonhead’ home for dinner this evening.” - - * * * * * - -I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry Herring.” I went -in and said, “Mister, do you keep dry herring?” The storekeeper said, -“Yes.” I said, “Why don’t you give them a drink?” - - * * * * * - -“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?” - -“Who?” - -“The coal man.” - - * * * * * - -_Woods_--Who is the champion light-weight in your town? - -_Lewis_--My grocer. - - * * * * * - -“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars and he gave her assent.” - -“The mean thing!” - - * * * * * - -A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. He had already got -through the first two bars, when a policeman came up and hit him with a -club. - - * * * * * - -A young man asked a widow to marry him. - -“What’s the difference between myself and Willard Pond’s Jersey cow?” -asked the widow. - -“I don’t know,” said the young man. - -“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the cow.” - - * * * * * - -“How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?” - -“It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!” - - * * * * * - -My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I put it in my pocket and -went a few steps further, and fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you -hurt?” I said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on your tintype.” - - * * * * * - -“Waitress, will that roll be long?” - -“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.” - - * * * * * - -“The boss said I was too full of my business.” - -“What’s your biz?” - -“Whiskey traveller.” - - * * * * * - -_Biggs_--That butcher is an awkward fellow. - -_Boggs_--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh. - - * * * * * - -_Boss_ (lecturing)--And remember, when a little boy disobeys me, then I -use force. - -_Boy_--Force? - -_Boss_--Yes, force. - -_Boy_--Ever tried Grape-Nuts? - - * * * * * - -_Percy_--“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?” - -_Harold_--“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.” - - * * * * * - -“I want something striking for a wedding present.” - -“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth floor.” - - * * * * * - -“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?” - -“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.” - - * * * * * - -A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station and returned and -told the crowd he would give seventy-five dollars for the return of the -money. One man said he’d give a hundred and another man said he’d give -two hundred. When I left they had bid it up to a thousand. - - * * * * * - -“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara Falls to a quart.” - -“How much?” - -“Two pints.” - - * * * * * - -Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. He said that he -heard her talk about beating the eggs, whipping the cream, stoning the -raisins, mashing the potatoes and pounding the steak. - - * * * * * - -What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an Irishman? - -When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he? - -When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him for three or four days -after. - - * * * * * - -_She_ (disgustedly)--Drunk again? - -_He_--Hic, so am I. - - * * * * * - -The fellow in the next room to me last night made an awful lot of -noise, his wooden leg pained him. - -How could that be? - -His wife hit him over the head with it. - - * * * * * - -_Percy_--“Was it because your brother took his typewriter out to lunch -that all the trouble came about?” - -_Harold_--“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because his wife found it -out.” - - * * * * * - -“How do you tell the age of a turkey?” - -“By the teeth.” - -“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!” - -“No; but I have.” - - * * * * * - -B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller a dollar outen -m’wallet and he laid me out onto a slab and derned if he didn’t scrub -me with a brick. Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and he -said: “Scouring the country for money.” - - * * * * * - -I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat there for two weeks. - -When was that? - -That was when he was in Chicago. - - * * * * * - -I always put my money under the mattress at night. - -Why? - -So I’ll have something to fall back on. - - * * * * * - -You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car to-day. - -I don’t know, what did you see? - -The conductor. - - * * * * * - -“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where did you get them?” - -“Bought ’em.” - -“Does your wife choose your clothes?” - -“No, she only picks the pockets!” - - * * * * * - -Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t he? - -Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy. - - * * * * * - -When did your teeth first begin troubling you? - -When I was cutting them. - - * * * * * - -“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.” - -“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood last night.” - -“Where?” - -“At the circus.” - - * * * * * - -If I had not defended that man he would have gone to State’s prison for -ten years. - -What did they do with him? - -They hung him. - - * * * * * - -“There’s a poor man out there that would give anything to see you.” -“Who is it?” “A blind man.” - - * * * * * - -_Tourist_--“I suppose I can’t get a train for three hours?” - -_Station Agent_--“O, yes; your train leaves in five minutes.” - -_Tourist_--“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.” - - * * * * * - -“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, who had slipped -and fallen on an icy pavement. “Going to get up!” was the blunt reply. - - * * * * * - -“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very young.” - -“And you’ve been off your base ever since.” - - * * * * * - -“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.” - -“She must have changed since she married you.” - - * * * * * - -“Why is a kiss like the three graces?” - -“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and charity to an old -maid.” - - * * * * * - -An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was lying at the point -of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! Won’t even death stop that man’s -lying?” - - * * * * * - -Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what would you do? - -I would buy a fine comb. - - * * * * * - -A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has often heard of the -_fore_ quarters of the globe, but never heard any person say anything -about the _hind_ quarters. - - * * * * * - -“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it stops, that’s no -use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards without it?” - -“Give it up.” - -“The noise!” - - * * * * * - -“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.” - -“Why?” - -“Played poker with him last night, when I got up to get a drink he -looked at my hand.” - - * * * * * - -I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I came before the judge -he said: “Young man, you’re arrested for picking the pocket of an old -man.” I said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as they came -in the crowd.” - - * * * * * - -_She_--Do you believe there are microbes in kisses? - -_He_--I never believe anything without investigation. - - * * * * * - -“My wife was very sick the other night and I thought she would die. She -moaned and groaned and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off -her.” - -“Well, what then?” - -“I put the covers back and then she recovered.” - - * * * * * - -“I want a dog-collar.” - -“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind the counter. “What -size shirt do you wear?” - - * * * * * - -“That’s a mighty becoming dress you are wearing.” - -“Becoming? Why, it hides my figure completely!” - -“That’s what I said.” - - * * * * * - -“I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?” - -“I guess it is because they’ve been married themselves and they haven’t -got the heart to laugh.” - - * * * * * - -“Please, I want to buy a dollar’s worth of hay.” - -“Is it for your father?” - -“Oh, no; it’s for the horse; father doesn’t eat hay!” - - * * * * * - -“Why didn’t you eat your breakfast this morning?” - -“’Twasn’t fit for a hog to eat.” - - - - -THE STUDENT’S Manual of Phonic Shorthand - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration: THE LORD’S PRAYER] - -The contents of this book is a complete introduction to the -Stenographic Art, as used for Business Correspondence and Verbatim -Reporting. Illustrated by Plates having Printed Keys, which are based -wholly upon a system that has been reduced to every-day practice. The -Signs are all constructed on simple plans, and can be read easier -than the plainest printed copy. Each sign indicates a sound. A boy of -12, by this method, will learn in a week what would take an adult a -year by the old way. Illustrated with Numerous Examples. Any one can, -in a short time, Report Sermons, Speeches, Trials, etc., with ease -and rapidity. Many girls and boys, from this book alone, have become -splendid Reporters, and are now receiving from $1,500 to $2,000 a year -as Expert Stenographers. You can perfect yourself in a short time, so -that you will have a Life Occupation--one that always commands a high -salary. It is not a difficult study. It will be of immense value to any -young man or woman. This is really the only Simple and Practical Book -on Shorthand published, and it will prove a profitable investment. -It will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of -=30 Cents=. - ---> _Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY -ORDER._ - ---> _FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED._ - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ _COMPLETE_ Letter-Writer - -Or the New Art of Polite Correspondence. - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -Adapted for both sexes. This is the best letter-writer published. -It teaches how to write a letter on any subject out of the writer’s -own head, or to compose a first-class, intelligent business letter, -or a love letter or a friendly letter. It gives as samples hundreds -of letters of every kind, and shows you how to carry on a long -correspondence with a lady or a gentleman--letters that will never -fail to penetrate the heart. No other book has this =Mystery of -Secret Correspondence=. Only French books have it. It is the book to -refer to when you want to write what you cannot find words to express. -It opens all the little rivulets that start from the soul, enabling -you to write on any topic with ease and elegance; or how to write a -complimentary note, or how to write for the press. Rules on spelling -correctly, on punctuation, on directing letters, and an immense amount -of information not to be found in any other book. There are many -young people who are good scholars, but who are woefully deficient -in ordinary letter-writing. They receive letters from friends, that -they postpone answering on account of their own ignorance of elegant -letter-writing, until at last they remain unanswered, and they lose -their correspondent. Many a son or daughter at school, receives -beautiful letters from home, and wonder why he or she cannot write -such letters in return. It is because they need practical instruction -in letter-writing. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -=30 Cents=. - ---> _Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY -ORDER._ - ---> _FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED._ - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -Wehman Bros.’ Book of 1000 WAYS TO GET RICH - -Price 30 Cents. - -[Illustration] - -To those that work hard for a mere existence, we have a few plain words -to say. Every person wants to make money, and wants to make it fast -and easily. This book will tell them how. Many worthy people grow gray -from hard work and have nothing to show for it. It is such people we -address. Among the valuable secrets in this really great book there -are many that require no capital and but little labor with no special -ability. With any one of these recipes you can make money ten times -easier than you could by hard work, and be your own master at that. -This book is crammed full of recipes that will help you become rich -quickly. Not by peddling and forcing sales, but by making things that -nearly everybody will buy. No such word as “fail” about it. All the -operations can be done in your own town. No “gift of gab” necessary. -The things will sell themselves. No capital required to begin. The -money rolls in from the start. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, on -receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -HERMANN’S ART OF MAGIC - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -A practical treatise on how to perform modern tricks, by Prof. Hermann. -Great care has been exercised by the author to include in this -book only such tricks as have never before appeared in print. This -assures the performer a secret and almost endless fund for suitable -material to be used on all occasions. With little practice, almost -any one can perform the more simple tricks, and with practice, as he -becomes more adept, he can perform the most difficult ones. No book -published contains a greater variety of material for conjurors and -sleight-of-hand performers than this book. Coins, cards, silk hat, -handkerchiefs, balls, are all introduced in the many programs offered, -thus affording one an endless variety from which to select for parlor -or stage entertainments. Price =30 Cents=, by mail, postpaid. - -Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -MORGAN’S _EXPOSE OF_ FREEMASONRY - -PRICE 35 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -It contains all the degrees conferred by a master’s lodge, as written -by Capt. William Morgan. - -By GEORGE K. CRAFTS, - -formerly Thrice Puissant Grand Master of Manitou Council, New York. -It will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, on receipt of -=35 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -WEHMAN’S MINSTREL SKETCHES, CONUNDRUMS and JOKES - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -A book full and running over with side-splitting fun. It contains -conundrums that will set the whole continent guessing, and then they’ll -have to “give ’em up” half the time. Jokes and gags for end men--the -best lot of these funny questions and answers ever published. Negro -sketches--the minstrel and showman will find in this book all the -sketches they want to set a house in a rip-roarious laughter. It also -contains the latest jokes that were sprung by the most successful -minstrel shows and the most successful comedians throughout this -country and the United Kingdom. In fact, it is pre-eminently the best -and most comprehensive collection of sketches, conundrums and jokes put -on the market at so low a price. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, to -any address, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -Wehman’s Book of 700 Secrets; or How to GET RICH WHEN YOUR POCKETS -ARE EMPTY. - -Price 30 Cents. - -[Illustration] - -A $2.00 book for 30 cents. Reader, are you poor? This may be the -stepping-stone to your future prosperity. It will lead you to something -that is just as sure to pave your way to fortune as that you now exist. -A bright future is yours if you only stretch out your hand and grasp -the golden key that unlocks the vault that opens to your astonished -gaze the hidden treasure. Any person, male or female, married or -single, with just a little pluck, will be enabled with any one of the -700 receipts in this book to make a start on the sure road to wealth -and luxury. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -THE MYSTERY OF Love, Courtship and Marriage Explained - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -This book explains how maidens may become happy wives, and bachelors -become happy husbands, in a brief space of time and by easy methods. -Also, complete directions for declaring intentions, accepting vows, -and retaining affection both before and after marriage, describing -the invitations, the dresses, the ceremony, and the proper behavior -of both bride and bridegroom, whether in public or behind the nuptial -curtain. It also tells plainly how to begin courting, the way to get -over bashfulness, the way to “sit up,” the way to find the soft spot -in a sweetheart’s breast, the way to write a love letter, the way to -easily win a girl’s consent, the way to “do up things” before and after -engagement, and hundreds of other things of vast importance to lovers. -Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -Hoffman’s TRICKS WITH CARDS Price 30 Cents. - -[Illustration] - -Containing all the modern tricks, diversions and sleight-of-hand -deceptions, with descriptive diagrams, showing how to make the pass; to -force a card; to make a false shuffle; to palm a card; to ruffle the -cards; to change a card; to get sight of a drawn card; to slip a card; -to draw back a card; to turn over the pack; to spring the cards from -one hand to the other; to throw a card; simple modes of discovering -a given card; to make a card vanish from the pack and be found in a -person’s pocket; to place the four kings in different parts of the -pack, and to bring them together by a simple cut; to allow a person -to think of a card, and to make that card appear at such number in -the pack as another person shall name; to guess four cards thought -of by different persons. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -=30 Cents=. - -WEHMAN BROS., 158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY. - - - - -NAPOLEON’S =ORACULUM= AND BOOK OF FATE - -(32 QUESTIONS), - -PRICE 30 CENTS. - -[Illustration] - -Being a complete fortune-teller that embraces næviology, or -fortune-telling by moles; physiognomy, or the art of fortune-telling by -the lines and forms of the face, hair, eyes, etc.; rules for finding -the natural temperament of any person. - ----- ALSO---- - -FORTUNE-TELLING BY CARDS; - -together with palmistry, or judgments drawn from the hand and from the -nails of the fingers; fortune-telling by the grounds of the coffee-cup; -charms, spells, incantations, etc.; signs of a speedy marriage and -how to choose good husbands and wives; also fortune-telling by dice, -fortunate and unfortunate days, etc. Price =30 Cents=, by mail, -postpaid. Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY. - - - - -Transcriber’s Note: - -Perceived printer errors have been changed. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' VAUDEVILLE JOKES #1 *** - -***** This file should be named 60973-0.txt or 60973-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/7/60973/ - -Produced by David Edwards, Sue Clark, and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Vaudeville Jokes No. 1, by Anonymous - - - - - - - -
-
-Project Gutenberg's Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1., by Anonymous
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-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
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-Title: Wehman Bros.' Vaudeville Jokes No. 1.
-
-Author: Anonymous
-
-Release Date: December 20, 2019 [EBook #60973]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WEHMAN BROS.' VAUDEVILLE JOKES #1 ***
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-Cover -
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-

WEHMAN BROS.’
-VAUDEVILLE
-JOKES
-No. 1.

- -
- -

PUBLISHED BY
-WEHMAN BROS., 126 Park Row,
-NEW YORK.

- -
- -

Copyright, MCMVII, by Wehman Bros.

-
- - - -
-
-
-

WEHMAN BROS.’
-BOOK ON
-HOW TO
-BECOME AN
-American Citizen

- -

PRICE 15 CENTS.

- -
-How to Become an American Citizen -
- -

This new and revised edition has been compiled to the present -time, and contains valuable information for a foreigner to know -before becoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This -practical volume embraces the following, viz:—Declaration of -Independence—Articles of Confederation—Constitution of -the United States—Time required to procure residence in the -United States, and the States of the United States—Declaration -of Allegiance—Proof of Residence—Admission of -Aliens—Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, -District and State Supreme Courts—Costs of Fees, etc. It is -well-printed, on a good quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, -and will be sent by mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of -15 Cents.

- -

- -Pointing hand - - Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY ORDER.

- -

- -Pointing hand - - FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.

- -

Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
-

WEHMAN BROS.’
-Vaudeville Jokes No. 1.

- -
- -

The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the -summer the iceman’s harvest, so that it’s possible the -milkman finds his greatest profit in the spring.

- -
- -

What is the difference between a grocer who uses -false weights and a highwayman?

- -

The tradesman lies in weight, while the highwayman -lies in wait.

- -
- -

I saw Romeo and Juliet in a restaurant last night. -Juliet ordered some soft-shelled crabs and Romeo ordered -a cup of tea. Now, the question arises, does -Rome-o for what Juli-et?

- -
- -

You know my girl? Her name is Plaster. I go to -court Plaster every night. She is a poor girl, but -there are lots of other girls as por-ous Plaster. I took -her out riding the other day, when the horse ran -away and threw her out and broke her leg in four -places, and her arm in three places. I got some sticking -plaster and put on her leg and arm, and then carried -her home. Next morning she wouldn’t speak to -me.

- -

Why not?

- -

She was too stuck up.

- -
- -

4 -How old did you say your daughter was?

- -

Twenty-two.

- -

Gracious, but she’s young for her age.

- -
- -

George Washington was the bravest man in the -world. He was never licked in his life.

- -

Oh, yes he was; he was licked on a postage stamp.

- -

Then they had to do it behind his back.

- -
- -

It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get -up again?

- -

Of course it does, in dew time.

- -
- -

I dared to go up on Broadway to-day and a team ran -over me. Just as I was getting up, the driver shouted: -“Look out!”

- -

And what did you say?

- -

I said: “Are you coming back?”

- -
- -

I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. -I got up in the congregation and said if I didn’t get -my umbrella I would come here next Sunday and -mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning -when I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas.

- -
- -

If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will -have to diet.

- -

What color do you prefer?

- -
- -

When you put on your stockings, why are you sure -to make a mistake?

- -

Because you put your foot in it.

- -
- -

5 -“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?”

- -

“You did not. Tell me about it.”

- -

“No use—there’s nothing in it.”

- -
- -

“The President is going to have his name stamped -on eighty million toothpicks.”

- -

“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.”

- -
- -

When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver -with me.

- -

Don’t you do it.

- -

Why?

- -

Because it will melt where you are going.

- -
- -

Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right.

- -

I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday -when he said you were a blooming idiot?

- -
- -

The young man in love doesn’t care so much about -having a yacht at sea as having a little smack ashore.

- -
- -

How do you spell mule?

- -

M-l-e.

- -

That isn’t right; you left something out.

- -

Yes. I left you out.

- -
- -

“How are you to-day?”

- -

“Oh, I can’t kick.”

- -

“Thought you were ill.”

- -

“I am—I have the gout.”

- -
- -

6 -A little girl went to the drug store for some pills.

- -

“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s -my uncle,” replied the little girl.

- -
- -

That’s my umbrella you have there.

- -

Well, I got it in a pawnshop.

- -

Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day.

- -
- -

“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, -did not have a pair of shoes to cover his -feet.”

- -

“And when was that, pray?”

- -

“At the time he was bathing.”

- -
- -

How do you like my suit?

- -

A beautiful suit; who made it?

- -

Carrie Nation.

- -

Why, is she a tailor?

- -

Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close.

- -
- -

What are you crying about?

- -

A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out -of the carriage, and he has been laid up for six months.

- -

Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible -accident, too; only his was different; he ran away -with the horse. He’s laid up now for six years.

- -
- -

What are you doing now?

- -

I’m brakes-man on a canal boat.

- -

What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal -boat?

- -

Breaking up wood for the cook.

- -
- -

7 -I see they are going to have umbrellas made square.

- -

What for?

- -

Because they are not safe to leave a-round.

- -
- -

Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a -whiskey firm to name a new brand after him. No -doubt it will be a good liquor to make strong punches -with.

- -
- -

“And now that we are married, dear, how do you -think I will strike your mother?”

- -

“Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin -abusing mother right away, are you?”

- -
- -

Did you hear about it—my wife is married.

- -

To whom?

- -

Why, to me, of course.

- -
- -

Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike?

- -

I don’t know.

- -

They are both sheeneys.

- -
- -

“Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the -street, “what do you take for a heavy cold?” “A -fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he passed on.

- -
- -

Mrs. Peck (hearing a racket in the hall)—What are -you up to now, Henry?

- -

Mr. Peck (feebly)—I’m not up to anything, my -dear. I just fell down stairs.

- -
- -

8 -I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, -and the conductor came around and looked at my -ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong -train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to -New York again. I got on another train and went -out about thirty miles, and the conductor came around -and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you -are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk -back to New York again. I got on another train, -and, of course, was mad and began to swear; a minister, -sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, -stop your swearing. Do you know you are on the road -to hell?” I said: “Here I am on the wrong train -again,” and I had to get off.

- -
- -

“You would be a good dancer but for two things.”

- -

“What are they?”

- -

“Your feet.”

- -
- -

Gas Man—Hello! Tom, what are you doing these -days?

- -

Pork Packer—I’m in the meat business. What are -you doing?

- -

Gas Man—I go you one degree better. I’m in the -meter business.

- -
- -

I went fishing to-day.

- -

What did you catch?

- -

I caught a good eel.

- -

While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water -six feet deep.

- -

Oh, come off the perch.

- -
- -

9 -I see your sister is getting quite stout now.

- -

Yes; she is working in a studio.

- -

What has that got to do with it?

- -

Why, she works in the developing room.

- -
- -

Who was George Washington’s father?

- -

Who?

- -

Old man Washington, of course.

- -
- -

I’m surprised at you squandering so much money -on a phonograph.

- -

Well, money talks, you know.

- -
- -

“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!”

- -

“What’s the matter now?”

- -

“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper -Trust?”

- -
- -

Do you attend the bicycle school now?

- -

No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils -up there.

- -
- -

If a man should cut off his knee, where would he -go to get another one?

- -

Where?

- -

To Africa.

- -

Why?

- -

That’s where the ne-groes.

- -
- -

10 -How is your wife now?

- -

Oh, she’s all right, I guess.

- -

She’s got you guessing, eh?

- -
- -

“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the -bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s where I got acquainted with -him.”

- -
- -

I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture.

- -

What did he say?

- -

Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose -painted!

- -
- -

Benedict—“I’ve been carrying the baby around the -door for a week back.”

- -

Bachelor—“Carrying the baby for a week back? -Pshaw! That’s no remedy at all. What you want for -a weak back is a porous plaster.”

- -
- -

I went black-berrying to-day.

- -

You did?

- -

Yes. I went to a colored funeral.

- -
- -

“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an -old collar?”

- -

“She gave me a turndown.”

- -
- -

The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will -make it hot for us.

- -

Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor -has ever done.

- -
- -

11 -I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he -had his bridle on and couldn’t eat a bit.

- -
- -

“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do -I; only somebody else generally has the fun.”

- -
- -

“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you -take your medicine without crying?” “No; but she -gives me something if I don’t.”

- -
- -

“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, -who get up cross in the morning and bang things -about because the coffee is cold?” Wife: “I would -make it hot for you.”

- -
- -

“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? -How did you come out?” “Through the window!”

- -
- -

“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” -“I am, my dear—as little as possible.”

- -
- -

Emmy—“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but -not the least idea what I am to go in. What would -you wear if you had my complexion?” Fanny—“A -thick veil.”

- -
- -

I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in -two months.

- -

How is that?

- -

He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times.

- -
- -

12 -“Were you moved when the old gentleman said -you could never marry his daughter?” “Yes; I was -moved half way across the sidewalk.”

- -
- -

“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it -left me long ago.”

- -
- -

“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! -can’t you see he’s got a double chin?”

- -
- -

“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” -“Oh, something between five and a half and six feet.”

- -
- -

“How do you make chickens good fighters?”

- -

“Feed them scraps.”

- -
- -

A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as -he picked himself up, that he thought he had improved -in horsemanship, but, instead had fallen off.

- -
- -

Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark -light.

- -
- -

“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped -at?” asked a lawyer of a witness in an assault and -battery case.

- -

“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.”

- -

“What next?”

- -

“Two glasses of whiskey.”

- -

“Next?”

- -

“One glass of brandy.”

- -

“Next?”

- -

“A FIGHT.”

- -
- -

13 -“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper.

- -

“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door.

- -

“Cut it out,” cried the scissors.

- -

“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked -the carpet.

- -

“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror.

- -

“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. -Everything is all write for mine.”

- -

“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters.

- -

Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after -flaring up, got hot under the collar, and saying that -he refused to throw any light on the matter, went -out.

- -
- -

“So you were only seventeen when you married? -Well, you didn’t have to wait long for a husband, did -you?”

- -

“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five -nights a week.”

- -
- -

There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail -last summer and all the prisoners “broke out.”

- -
- -

At dinner the other day there was a young lady -dining opposite me. I asked her to pass the ice-cream. -She did so and I took one big spoonful. I -cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young -lady asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was -thinking of old times and a brother who was hung in -Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took a -spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she -was crying and she said: “I’m crying because you -weren’t hung the same time your brother was.”

- -
- -

14 -An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had -an “early fall.”

- -
- -

Is your father still running a bunco game?

- -

My father runs a hotel.

- -

Well, that’s the same thing,—he’s bunking people.

- -
- -

My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel -yesterday.

- -
- -

What is a strait?

- -

A rubber-neck.

- -

No, it is a neck running out to sea.

- -

Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck?

- -
- -

Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result -was a “draw.” A man who was doing some -“bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them -arrested. One was discharged because he had a -“pull” with the judge; the other dentist is now “filling” -in time.

- -
- -

“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.”

- -

“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just -beginning!”

- -
- -

A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and -settled in Canada.

- -
- -

“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” -“Why, you said you always have to buy flies when -you go fishing.”

- -
- -

15 -A church choir played a game of ball the other -day. The preacher came out to the ground to compare -“notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when -the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went -home “alto”-gether.

- -
- -

“My husband has given up smoking.”

- -

“It must have taken some will-power.”

- -

“All I had.”

- -
- -

“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, -as he bought the ice cream for the girls on the piazza.

- -

“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat -to-morrow.”

- -
- -

Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee?

- -

No.

- -

That settles it.

- -
- -

“What’s the difference between the mumps and -the measles?”

- -

“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles -you break out.”

- -
- -

Inventor—If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll—

- -

Wife (alarmed)—W-what, Frank?

- -

Inventor—Have to!

- -
- -

“What drove you to drink?”

- -

“Thirst.”

- -
- -

16 -A colored man by the name of Berry was working -for a farmer (who was somewhat of a wag). Addressing -him one morning, he said, “Go gather in the -straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the -goose, Berry; the older ones the elder, Berry; the -girls the black, Berry, and don’t look so blue, Berry.”

- -
- -

“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.”

- -

“Oh, yes, twice.”

- -

“Twice?”

- -

“Yes, once when we first met and another time -she hit me on the head with a rolling pin.”

- -
- -

“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy -day?”

- -

“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.”

- -
- -

Two young ladies took a long tramp through the -woods. Who brought him back?

- -
- -

“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?”

- -

“Coming, sir—half a minute.”

- -

“Confound you! How slow you are.”

- -

“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.”

- -
- -

“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool—why, I -shivered.”

- -
- -

I went out to the races and bet.

- -

How did you come out?

- -

At the gate.

- -
- -

17 -“How old are you?”

- -

“Some take me for fifteen.”

- -

“Street cars take me for five.”

- -
- -

“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.”

- -

“What is he, a pawnbroker?”

- -

“No, he’s a bartender.”

- -
- -

“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this -morning?”

- -

“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.”

- -

“Oh, your mother?”

- -

“No, my washwoman.”

- -
- -

Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making -money fast?

- -

Sure I do.

- -

Glue it to the floor.

- -
- -

If I ever hit you, you will never forget it.

- -

If I ever hit you, you will never remember it.

- -
- -

Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? -To keep the calf from the corn.

- -
- -

“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars -fine for smoking.”

- -

“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.”

- -
- -

“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.”

- -

“On the dead?”

- -
- -

18 -“What are you doing now?”

- -

“I’m working on the town clock.”

- -

“If that’s so you must be working overtime.”

- -
- -

A girl goes into a store to buy garters.

- -

“What kind?”

- -

“Rubber.”

- -

“I’d lose my job if I did.”

- -
- -

“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an -orphan asylum.”

- -

“Yes.”

- -

“What did he leave?”

- -

“Fifteen children.”

- -
- -

“Do you know ping-pong?”

- -

“Sure! He washes my shirts.”

- -
- -

There was a German friend of mine who was quite -sick for some time. The doctor told him he might -eat anything he wanted. He told his wife he believed -he would like some Limburger cheese. His -wife was a good-hearted woman; she went out and -got twenty pounds of this distinct cheese, and put -some in every room in the house, that he might get a -nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the -aroma in that house). The doctor called the next -morning, and rang the bell; when the servant opened -the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, -“When did he die?”

- -
- -

“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.”

- -

“If you do I’ll put words to it.”

- -
- -

19 -Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco.

- -

What kind of tobacco is that?

- -

Chewing.

- -
- -

When a man longs for money he is generally short.

- -
- -

“You have a big head this morning.”

- -

“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.”

- -

“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!”

- -

“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water -just the same as you can on land.”

- -
- -

A Girl Wanted (in a bakery).—A rising young -woman from the (y)east, must be floury in speech, -well bread and not inclined to loaf, not get mixed up, -be pie-us and sober. To such a one her dough -will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl -able to cracker joke and kneeding this job may apply -to Miss Lady Finger or Luke Warmwater.

- -

Doughnut come unless well recommended. One -preferred who can roll up and turn over bun-dles so -quickly as to take the cake, but not be tart, snap-py -or crust-y or puffunctory in her conduct.

- -
- -

“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?”

- -

“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you -know, if she went in without it.”

- -
- -

“Does your wife miss you much?”

- -

“No; she can throw as straight as I can.”

- -
- -

“Did you ever see a pig wash?”

- -

“No, but I saw pig iron.”

- -
- -

20 -“How is your farm this year?”

- -

“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they -couldn’t see to grow.”

- -
- -

She—I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and -I can’t find it anywhere.

- -

He—Did you look among the Vs, dear?

- -
- -

I would never play poker with a dentist.

- -

Why not?

- -

It’s too easy for him to draw and fill.

- -
- -

“Well, Tom, what are you working at now?”

- -

“Nutting.”

- -

“Nothing—well, that’s a healthy occupation for a -big man.”

- -

“Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting -nuts on bolts, ain’t that nutting?”

- -
- -

I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie -that I had was a peach.

- -

That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no -money, so I let the beer settle.

- -
- -

“I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.”

- -

“Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married -a little over a year.”

- -

“I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.”

- -
- -

What did the Judge say when you sassed him?

- -

He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty -days.

- -
- -

21 -Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a -pair of silk hose. I told her that Ten Dollars was too -much to pay for a pair of silk stockings. She said -she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she -wanted something to show for her money.

- -
- -

Did you ever hear a fairy story?

- -

Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who -pinched his watch.

- -
- -

What is the difference between a cat and a match?

- -

A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its -head.

- -
- -

“I saw a freak of nature yesterday.”

- -

“What was it?”

- -

“A baby born with human hands and bear feet.”

- -
- -

“Is your wife a victim of bargain days?”

- -

“No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.”

- -
- -

“Horrible fire in the shoe factory.”

- -

“Any lives lost?”

- -

“A thousand souls” (soles).

- -
- -

Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty -11 inches long?

- -

I don’t know.

- -

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been -a foot.

- -
- -

22 -“My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.”

- -

“That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp -with his nose.”

- -
- -

“What would you do if I should kiss you?”

- -

“I should call for help?”

- -

“H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?”

- -
- -

“Do you think there is any danger in going up in -a balloon?”

- -

“Not half as much as there is in coming down.”

- -
- -

“I married my typewriter.”

- -

“Why?”

- -

“So I can dictate to her.”

- -
- -

My wife gave birth to triplets.

- -

Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding?

- -
- -

“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked.

- -

She nodded her sweet permission;

- -

So we went to press, and I rather guess

- -

I printed a large edition.

- -
- -

“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.”

- -

“What does he do?”

- -

“Hires root beer.”

- -
- -

“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. -He broke through the mattress and fell into -the spring.”

- -
- -

23 -“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.”

- -

“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll -be a hundred and sixty.”

- -
- -

“Are you still following the races?”

- -

“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going -to quit.”

- -
- -

“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?”

- -

“O, he’s gone into real estate.”

- -

“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed -he’d do.”

- -

“It was; he’s dead.”

- -
- -

When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her -bedside, and began to cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we -will meet in the other world.” I began to go to -church right away.

- -
- -

Passerby—Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!

- -

Boy—Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You -wouldn’t expect a little pup like him to bite yer neck -would yer?

- -
- -

“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five -miles through a blinding snow-storm to his home so -that I could give him a thrashing.”

- -

“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a -man. Did you walk back?”

- -

“No, I rode back in an ambulance.”

- -
- -

24 -“Is your sister ever out of temper?”

- -

“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.”

- -
- -

“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as -he came in.

- -

“About one.”

- -

Just then the clock struck three.

- -

“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” -he asked, with a feeble attempt at justification -and a joke.

- -
- -

“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you -wore last winter?”

- -

“They have gone to the wall.”

- -

“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?”

- -

“Yes, but the patent expired.”

- -
- -

What is the difference between a man and a hen?

- -

A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without -burning himself, and a hen can’t.

- -
- -

My brother had over fifty thousand men under him.

- -

He must have been a great general.

- -

No, he was in a balloon.

- -
- -

I wish that the good Lord had made me a man.

- -

Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet.

- -
- -

“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.”

- -

“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.”

- -

“Oh, I only fell off the first round.”

- -
- -

25 -“There was a fight at the baker shop.”

- -

“What caused it?”

- -

“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.”

- -
- -

“Do you know my brother?”

- -

“Which one, the one with the smooth face?”

- -

“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted -to beat his wife last night, and two policemen rushed -in just in time to prevent murder.”

- -

“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?”

- -

“No, to the hospital.”

- -
- -

If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens -say?

- -

I don’t know; what would they say?

- -

Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade.

- -
- -

I used to work in a watch factory.

- -

What did you do?

- -

I made faces.

- -
- -

“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired -the old lady in the Grand Central depot.

- -

“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.”

- -

“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a -depot?”

- -

“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas -solemnly.

- -
- -

How did that sausage that you ate agree with you?

- -

It hurt my liver wurst.

- -
- -

26 -A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in -the gallery of the church pelting the hearers in the -pews below with horse chestnuts. As the good man -looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your -preaching, Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.”

- -
- -

“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your -wife had?”

- -

“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.”

- -

“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that -you beat her.”

- -
- -

We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We -take it away from her.

- -
- -

“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?”

- -

“Flushing Long Island.”

- -
- -

“They say that whiskey has killed more men than -bullets.”

- -

“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, -wouldn’t you?”

- -
- -

“Hello, is this you, Doctor?”

- -

“Yes,” says Doctor.

- -

“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up -at once and help me to pull her through.”

- -
- -

Beer always makes me fat.

- -

Beer makes me lean—against telegraph poles and -houses.

- -
- -

27 -“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” -asked the doubting customer.

- -

“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” -said the shop girl, “and they are not broken yet. -And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m engaged.”

- -
- -

“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.”

- -

“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once -on water.”

- -

“On water! and you lived?”

- -

“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a -canal boat.”

- -
- -

“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.”

- -

“Why?”

- -

“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.”

- -
- -

A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood -and thereupon asked him where he supposed -he’d go if he told such stories. The janitor replied -that wherever he went he expected he’d be making -fires for the school-teachers.

- -
- -

A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. -The minister said: “You see what drink does.”

- -

Drunken Barber—“Yes. It makes the skin verra -tender.”

- -
- -

I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in -Chicago. A street-car run over a little girl and cut -both of her hands off. I ran to her and was going to -pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!”

- -
- -

28 -“How’s your brother?”

- -

“Why, my brother is away for three years.”

- -

“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.”

- -

“Well, my brother’s smart.”

- -

“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.”

- -

“Well, you never mind my brother.”

- -

“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding -him.”

- -
- -

“Where do you think I got this collar?”

- -

“Where?”

- -

“Around my neck.”

- -
- -

“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t -know how to get it over here.”

- -

“Well, just sit down and think it over.”

- -
- -

A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If -your people want to see a big hog, come out to my -farm and ask for me.”

- -
- -

“Ma, what is an angel?”

- -

“An angel is one that flies.”

- -

“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.”

- -

“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.”

- -
- -

I can’t sing since I worked for a baker.

- -

Why not?

- -

I can’t get any higher than dough.

- -
- -

“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?”

- -

“He pulled my leg.”

- -
- -

29 -“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.”

- -

“Why is that?”

- -

“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.”

- -
- -

“They say that Eve is the only woman that never -looked behind her to see what the other woman had -on. But then you know she was only a side issue.”

- -
- -

I took a prize once on these roller skates.

- -

How did you do it?

- -

The man wasn’t looking.

- -
- -

Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced -recently as “fifteen cents” (three nickels).

- -
- -

“Did your sister marry a rich husband?”

- -

“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.”

- -
- -

“What’s your occupation?”

- -

“I’m janitor of a car.”

- -

“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. -I’ve heard of the janitor of a flat.”

- -

“Well, this is a flat car.”

- -
- -

I cut my dog’s tail off.

- -

Did it make any difference with his carriage?

- -

No, but it stopped his wagon.

- -
- -

The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat -beside the pretty girl was vacant. Going over, he -said: “Is this seat engaged?”

- -

“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you -any good.”

- -
- -

30 -“No more parlor matches. They’re against the -law,” said Reginald.

- -

“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily -leading the way.

- -
- -

“I did a good thing to-day.”

- -

“Where did you meet him?”

- -
- -

“How long was your father in the penitentiary?”

- -

“Ten years.”

- -

“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were -they?”

- -

“No, you have to take your time there.”

- -
- -

The other day I started on a business trip and told -my wife I would not be home that night. I missed -the train and arrived home at about eleven o’clock. -My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that -you, Jack?” I remain at home now.

- -

P. S.—My name is Bill.

- -
- -

“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said -the office boy’s mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised -for a strong boy and that’s what he is——”

- -

“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; -“in the single day he was here he broke all the rules -of this office and some of the furniture.”

- -
- -

A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell -me if I can get through this gate to the park?”

- -

He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went -through.”

- -
- -

31 -When your wife died, did she leave you any real -estate?

- -

Yes, she left the earth.

- -
- -

My wife dresses out of sight.

- -

That’s the proper place for her to dress.

- -
- -

Widson—I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry -his typewriter?

- -

Booler—Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying -for years to get a typewriter of his own?

- -
- -

“Is your watch all right, now?”

- -

“No, but it’s gaining.”

- -
- -

George Little has a wife and nine children and only -earns eight dollars a week but he gets along splendidly.

- -

How does he manage to do it on such a small salary?

- -

Why, every little helps.

- -
- -

The other day an ear of corn was run over by an -automobile and three kernels were killed.

- -
- -

She—We haven’t seen much of you this week.

- -

He—I saw a good deal—at least I saw you—er—last -Tuesday.

- -

She—Did you? Where was I? Cycling?

- -

He—Not at the moment. You were just falling -over the handles.

- -
- -

32 -I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come -from miles around to see him cut up, he’s a butcher, -and he always dresses to kill.

- -
- -

“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual -motion.”

- -

“What does he model it on?”

- -

“His wife’s tongue.”

- -
- -

Are you a carpenter?

- -

Yes.

- -

How would you make a Venetian blind?

- -

Punch him in the eye.

- -
- -

There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch -table and mamma divided it between Willie and Elsie. -Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate.

- -

“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my -pudding when you haven’t any. Take Elsie’s.”

- -
- -

“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the -dead-letter office?”

- -

“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so -perfectly killing.”

- -
- -

Do you know that my little dog is dead?

- -

I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died -by inches, or else went up the alley and died by the -yard.

- -

Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died -by the foot.

- -
- -

33 -Husband—Why are you so angry at the doctor?

- -

Wife—When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, -he told me to show him my tongue.

- -
- -

In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot -while filing the bars of his cell in an effort to escape. -The pistol failed to explode and the prisoner finally -dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol -refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a -second, then with great presence of mind, he raised -both hands and exclaimed in a tone of horror: “My -God! He’s swallowed the file!”

- -
- -

Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the -middle of a sentence.

- -

All right. Come along with me to the nearest -prison.

- -
- -

“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.”

- -

“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting -up a fund for his widow and children.”

- -
- -

My sister married a street-car conductor. They -ain’t getting along very well together.

- -

Why don’t she get a transfer?

- -
- -

“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the -patient just before turning on the x-rays.

- -
- -

Beggar—Please give a poor old blind man a dime?

- -

Citizen—Why, you can see out of one eye.

- -

Beggar—Well, then, give me a nickel.

- -
- -

34 -“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth -Street, so I asked him to hold my cigar while I went -into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there with -the cigar, all right.”

- -

“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.”

- -

“No? What was he?”

- -

“A cigar-holder.”

- -
- -

“Doesn’t her hair look killing?”

- -

“No wonder; it’s dyed.”

- -
- -

“If they put the x-ray over the hand the bones will -come right out.”

- -

“Bring it over to the house fish day.”

- -
- -

“How did you get your start in life?”

- -

“My little sister shoved me downstairs.”

- -

“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?”

- -

“I made all of my money selling wisdom.”

- -

“Oh, then you were a bookseller.”

- -

“No, I was a bookmaker.”

- -
- -

“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his -accounts?”

- -

“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.”

- -
- -

“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and -it is still running.”

- -

“The river?”

- -

“The installment jeweler’s bill.”

- -
- -

The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man -that don’t is no bettor.

- -
- -

35 -I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for -five miles by the scent of my feet.

- -

Why don’t you take a bath and fool him?

- -
- -

“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing -milk and water, “ye see what I’m a-doin’ of?”

- -

“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring -water into the milk.”

- -

“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the -water. So, if anybody axes you if I put water into -the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to the truth, -James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.”

- -
- -

Whyte—I always make it a rule to kiss my wife -whenever I leave the house in the morning and when -I come home at night.

- -

Browne—That’s right. I would if I were you.

- -
- -

“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that -young man into the family.”

- -

“Why, dear?”

- -

“Well, when they were playing cards last night I -distinctly heard papa say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, -Harry.’”

- -
- -

“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”

- -

“What does?”

- -

“A nickel and a quarter.”

- -
- -

“How does your brother like the job of running an -elevator?”

- -

“Oh, he’s taken up with it.”

- -
- -

36 -Dusty Dolittle—De old guy offered me a job turning -a grindstone!

- -

Weary Willie—Wasn’t yer shocked?

- -

Dusty Dolittle—Shocked! Why, I didn’t know -which way to turn.

- -
- -

Where are you living now?

- -

Up in the tenth story of a brick building.

- -

Have you got any children?

- -

No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.

- -
- -

“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s -nothing but cow-hide!”

- -

“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? -Morocco?”

- -
- -

Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear -like a trooper.

- -

“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you -to swear like that?”

- -

“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, -it’s me who teaches the other boys.”

- -
- -

Guest—“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”

- -

Waiter—“Can’t you tell by the taste?”

- -

Guest—“No.”

- -

Waiter—“Well then, what difference does it make?”

- -
- -

Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no -life to move?

- -

I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank -walk and a banana stand. I have even seen a cat -fish, and a horse fly.

- -
- -

37 -Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He -don’t dare let go. If he did she’d pick his pockets. -After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And there’s the -coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. -Then his mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s -the devil to pay.

- -
- -

Is the Lord everywhere?

- -

Yes, my child.

- -

Is he in our cellar?

- -

Yes, dear.

- -

He is not. We have no cellar.

- -
- -

A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world -because he has a head and tail on the same end.

- -
- -

Wife—How did you get along while I was away?

- -

Husband—I kept house for about ten days, and then -I went boarding.

- -

Wife—Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping -house?

- -

Husband—Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.

- -
- -

“What makes you so foolish?”

- -

“It’s my mother’s fault.”

- -

“Why, how is that?”

- -

“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.”

- -
- -

“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who -was applying for board; “will you mind it?”

- -

“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of -course not! Do you think I’m a nurse?”

- -
- -

38 -“What did you get that bronze medal for?”

- -

“For singing.”

- -

“What did you get the gold one for?”

- -

“For quitting.”

- -
- -

“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”

- -

“Yes. In a millinery store?”

- -

“No, alive. They were jays from the country and -they were blue with cold.”

- -
- -

Tourist—“Pretty dull around here.”

- -

Rube—“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of -months and see how this place’ll be stirred up.”

- -

Tourist—“What’s going to happen?”

- -

Rube—“Ploughin’.”

- -
- -

“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a -shirt-waist. She wanted something extremely thin. -So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will you show me the -thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’”

- -

“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’”

- -
- -

“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.”

- -

“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you -right now.”

- -
- -

What is your business?

- -

I am a diamond cutter.

- -

Where did you ever cut any diamonds?

- -

Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the -grass off of the diamond.

- -
- -

39 -A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look -at it and she said, “Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I -thought it was real.”

- -
- -

“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.”

- -

“What was the color of her hair?”

- -

“I didn’t notice her face.”

- -
- -

How do you like married life?

- -

Oh, I live like a bird.

- -

How is that?

- -

I have to fly for my life.

- -
- -

“They say that the blind can determine color by -the sense of touch?”

- -

“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to -tell a red-hot stove by merely putting his finger on it.”

- -
- -

“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost -last week?”

- -

“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t -lose.”

- -
- -

“Is that punch bowl cut glass?”

- -

“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.”

- -
- -

“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that -face?’ I told him that it belonged to me, and he said -he didn’t know but that I’d beat a bull-dog out of it. -The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor -his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his -teeth.”

- -
- -

40 -“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He -never buys any coal. He lives near a railroad and -makes faces at the engineer.”

- -
- -

“I saw your sister on the street to-day.”

- -

“How was she looking?”

- -

“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.”

- -

“How did you know it was my sister?”

- -

“Oh, I’m quick at figures.”

- -
- -

“What do you take for the grip?”

- -

“Oh, I get it without taking anything.”

- -
- -

You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry?

- -

Yes.

- -

I pawned it for five dollars.

- -

That’s time wasted.

- -
- -

Old Lady (sniffing)—“What’s that odor I smell?”

- -

Farmer—“That’s fertilizer.”

- -

Old Lady (astonished)—“For the land’s sake!”

- -

Farmer—“Yes, ma’am.”

- -
- -

I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who -came to take my order said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, -frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and—” I interrupted her. -I said, “You ought to see a doctor.”

- -
- -

When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, -what do they do with him?

- -

I suppose they get him a bed of his own.

- -

No. They boycott him.

- -
- -

41 -Critic—Your work seems a little raw.

- -

Poet—It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough.

- -
- -

My sister’s husband got a divorce from her.

- -

What for?

- -

For making bad coffee.

- -

That was poor grounds.

- -
- -

Bill—Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the -moon.

- -

Jill—Because he’s out late nights?

- -

Bill—No; because he appears to be brightest when -full.

- -
- -

“We never remember the faces of those we love -most dearly.”

- -

“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill -looks like!”

- -
- -

“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand -for me?” asked the mother the third time.

- -

“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature.

- -

And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered -to himself: “I hope Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill -Old Sleuth ’till I git back.”

- -
- -

“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a -teacher?”

- -

“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?”

- -

“Yes.”

- -

“I could see his pupils.”

- -
- -

42 -“I’m following the horses now.”

- -

“Are you beating them?”

- -

“No. I lost my whip.”

- -
- -

“You remind me of a river.”

- -

“How so?”

- -

“The biggest part of you is your mouth.”

- -
- -

“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.”

- -

“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the -night and you never noticed me.”

- -
- -

Myra—“What kind of a husband would you advise -me to get?”

- -

Jessie—“You get a single man and let the husbands -alone.”

- -
- -

Hiram—“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when -yew got buncoed by thet there confidence feller.”

- -

Josh—“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?”

- -
- -

“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. -Why, she could carry him in her pocket.”

- -

“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket -all the time after he marries her.”

- -
- -

“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?”

- -

“Oh, about three seconds.”

- -

“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?”

- -

“No limit.”

- -
- -

43 -“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?”

- -

“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.”

- -
- -

“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came -over in the Mayflower,” said Miss South Church.

- -

“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not -quite understand. “Our folks made their fortune in -September wheat.”

- -
- -

What is an Island?

- -

A pimple on the Ocean.

- -

What is a strait?

- -

Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King.

- -
- -

“What did you steal that cradle for?”

- -

“Oh, just for a kid.”

- -
- -

“Why, the bare idea!”

- -

“Of what, dear?”

- -

“Telling the naked truth!”

- -
- -

“Are you going to the seashore this summer?”

- -

“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last -year.”

- -

“Not enough men?”

- -

“No; too many mosquitoes.”

- -
- -

“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.”

- -

“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. -See?”

- -
- -

44 -“I was down to the race track yesterday and played -a horse 20 to 1.”

- -

“Well?”

- -

“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.”

- -
- -

“Airships will be all the rage soon.”

- -

“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a -rage.”

- -
- -

“Seeing is believing, you know.”

- -

“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom -believe you.”

- -
- -

“What is a profitless enterprise?”

- -

“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.”

- -
- -

“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.”

- -

“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch -in one.”

- -
- -

I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas -City, Kan., $1 each annually—won’t it work a hardship -on them?

- -

They can easily scrape up the money.

- -
- -

“That young man who calls on you twice a week -stays too late. You will have to sit down on him.”

- -

“Why, I do, mamma.”

- -
- -

Do you know Minnie Fish?

- -

Yes, I’m going to drop her a line.

- -
- -

45 -“Does your wife miss you when you are away from -home?”

- -

“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at -home.”

- -

“How’s that?”

- -

“Her aim isn’t accurate.”

- -
- -

“My tailor called with his little bill yesterday.”

- -

“I know how that is, old man. You have my sympathy.”

- -

“Oh, don’t waste your sympathy on me. Sympathize -with the tailor.”

- -
- -

Did you hear about Waters the iceman?

- -

No! what about him?

- -

Why, he went on the stage.

- -

Was he a success?

- -

No, he was a frost.

- -
- -

“I’ll never forget the night you proposed. You -acted like a fish out of water.”

- -

“Yes, I was a sucker.”

- -
- -

“By the way, can you pay that little bill of mine -to-day?”

- -

“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay -my own little bills.”

- -
- -

“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to -my head.”

- -

“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.”

- -
- -

46 -“My, but you have large ears!”

- -

“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect -donkey.”

- -
- -

“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to -stay out late?”

- -

“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for -me.”

- -
- -

“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?”

- -

“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t -keep up with the rest.”

- -
- -

“What are you crying about?”

- -

“Oh, they are not regular tears.”

- -

“What are they, then?”

- -

“They’re just volunteers.”

- -
- -

I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall -Street and made lots of dust.

- -

Yes, he was a street-sweeper.

- -
- -

“Do you think there is much difference between -this world and the next?”

- -

“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.”

- -
- -

“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?”

- -

“Yes, husband.”

- -

“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?”

- -
- -

“We had short-cake for tea.”

- -

“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!”

- -
- -

47 -“Pa, did you know ma long before you married -her?”

- -

“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I -married her!”

- -
- -

Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but -nobody can force him to drink. How different it is -with men!

- -
- -

Riggs—“Where did you get that black eye?”

- -

Jiggs—“Told the conductor I was travelling on my -face, and he punched the ticket.”

- -
- -

Ethics Prof.—What becomes of a drinker when he -dies?

- -

S. S.—Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a -“bier.”

- -
- -

Do you like corn on the ear?

- -

I never had one there.

- -
- -

Bill—Do you think betting is wrong.

- -

Jill—Well, the way I bet generally is.

- -
- -

“I’ve lost my ring, Bridget.”

- -

“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions -asked?”

- -

“What good would it do?”

- -

“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress -did, an’ Oi got the reward.”

- -
- -

48 -A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. -It stuck fast in a mud hole and the horse couldn’t -start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a small boy. -“Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out -an’ hitch in a roll of yer butter.”

- -
- -

“What is your brother doing?”

- -

“Six months.”

- -
- -

“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?”

- -

“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow -gave him caws.”

- -
- -

Bill—That man is a horrible liar.

- -

Jill—Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it.

- -
- -

“My landlord is a checker-player.”

- -

“What makes you think so?”

- -

“He told me it was my move.”

- -

“Yes?”

- -

“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me -jump.”

- -
- -

“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married -a blonde.”

- -

“He did, but she dyed.”

- -
- -

You ought to learn violin.

- -

Why?

- -

It will give your chin a rest.

- -
- -

49 -“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining -the young man, “seems to be that something -is the matter with your heart.”

- -

“With my heart?”

- -

“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.”

- -

“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the -young man. “That isn’t her name at all.”

- -
- -

“Do you know what it is to love a woman?”

- -

“Do I? Why, I idealized a woman once, but she -married.” [Sadly.]

- -

“Whom did she marry?”

- -

“Me.”

- -
- -

He—Why has he put her picture in his watch?

- -

She—Because he thinks she will love him in time.

- -
- -

She—My but I was shy when the parson asked me -my age.

- -

He—Yes, about ten years shy.

- -
- -

“I took a tramp up to Harlem to-day.”

- -

“Did you leave him there?”

- -
- -

Jack—“Do you think a fellow ought to be locked -up for stealing kisses?”

- -

Flo—“Well, I think he ought to be tied up.”

- -
- -

Young Wife—“How do you like my cooking? -Don’t you think I’ve begun well?”

- -

Husband—“Um—yes. I’ve often heard that well -begun is half done.”

- -
- -

50 -“He is a dealer in drawing materials.”

- -

“Crayons?”

- -

“No, mustard plasters.”

- -
- -

Harry—Hello, Charlie, what do you think happened -to me the other day—I was riding on a Sixth -Avenue car when a very fine young lady entered the -car and I immediately arose and gave the lady my -seat.

- -

Charlie—That was proper, perfectly proper.

- -

Harry—Well, I only done it to see how I stood.

- -
- -

They had fallen out of a balloon and landed on the -skylight of one of the skyscrapers.

- -

“Where are we at?” said the bride, as they came -through and landed on the floor.

- -

“Scotland.”

- -

“How do you know?”

- -

“Didn’t you hear the Glass-go!”

- -
- -

“I would have gone to sleep on an empty stomach -last night, only for one thing.”

- -

“What was that—some one take you out for dinner?”

- -

“No, I slept on my back.”

- -
- -

“Where were you?”

- -

“Down on Wall Street.”

- -

“Well, what were you doing down there?”

- -

“Buying wall paper.”

- -
- -

She—Yes, my husband run away and shook me -when I was forty-five.

- -

He—That’s not a bad shake.

- -
- -

51 -Are they twins?

- -

They are not. Wan is a bhoy and the ither a ghurl.

- -
- -

“What do you suppose makes our gas bill so large?”

- -

“Why, George, don’t you know we are light house -keeping.”

- -
- -

When does the bank cashier buy a yacht?

- -

When he’s going to be a skipper.

- -
- -

“There is one thing you can’t get right unless you -get it twisted.”

- -

“What is that?”

- -

“A corkscrew.”

- -
- -

“Why, papa, this is roast beef!” exclaimed little -Archie at dinner, on the evening when Mr. Chumpleigh -was present as the guest of honor.

- -

“Of course,” said the father. “What of that?”

- -

“Why, you told mamma this morning that you -were going to bring a ‘muttonhead’ home for dinner -this evening.”

- -
- -

I saw a sign in front of a fish store that said “Dry -Herring.” I went in and said, “Mister, do you keep -dry herring?” The storekeeper said, “Yes.” I said, -“Why don’t you give them a drink?”

- -
- -

“He doesn’t cut any ice, does he?”

- -

“Who?”

- -

“The coal man.”

- -
- -

52 -Woods—Who is the champion light-weight in your -town?

- -

Lewis—My grocer.

- -
- -

“She asked her husband for a thousand dollars -and he gave her assent.”

- -

“The mean thing!”

- -
- -

A thief was lately caught breaking into a song. -He had already got through the first two bars, when -a policeman came up and hit him with a club.

- -
- -

A young man asked a widow to marry him.

- -

“What’s the difference between myself and Willard -Pond’s Jersey cow?” asked the widow.

- -

“I don’t know,” said the young man.

- -

“Then,” said the widow, “you’d better marry the -cow.”

- -
- -

“How did that fight between the bridge tenders -end?”

- -

“It was fought to a draw—and they both fell in!”

- -
- -

My girl gave me a tintype picture of herself. I -put it in my pocket and went a few steps further, and -fell. When I got up, she says, “Are you hurt?” I -said, “Yes.” She said, “Where?” I said, “Not on -your tintype.”

- -
- -

“Waitress, will that roll be long?”

- -

“No, sir; it will be round in a minute.”

- -
- -

53 -“The boss said I was too full of my business.”

- -

“What’s your biz?”

- -

“Whiskey traveller.”

- -
- -

Biggs—That butcher is an awkward fellow.

- -

Boggs—Yes, I notice his hands are always in his -weigh.

- -
- -

Boss (lecturing)—And remember, when a little boy -disobeys me, then I use force.

- -

Boy—Force?

- -

Boss—Yes, force.

- -

Boy—Ever tried Grape-Nuts?

- -
- -

Percy—“The new cook is very tall, isn’t she?”

- -

Harold—“Yes; but it isn’t likely she’ll stay long.”

- -
- -

“I want something striking for a wedding present.”

- -

“Yes, sir, the clock department is on the fourth -floor.”

- -
- -

“Is your friend the dentist a society chap?”

- -

“Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings.”

- -
- -

A man lost three hundred dollars in a railway station -and returned and told the crowd he would give -seventy-five dollars for the return of the money. -One man said he’d give a hundred and another man -said he’d give two hundred. When I left they had -bid it up to a thousand.

- -
- -

54 -“I can tell you how much water runs over Niagara -Falls to a quart.”

- -

“How much?”

- -

“Two pints.”

- -
- -

Willie said that his mother had a very cruel cook. -He said that he heard her talk about beating the eggs, -whipping the cream, stoning the raisins, mashing the -potatoes and pounding the steak.

- -
- -

What’s the difference between a Dutchman and an -Irishman?

- -

When a Dutchman is dead he’s dead, isn’t he?

- -

When an Irishman is dead you have to watch him -for three or four days after.

- -
- -

She (disgustedly)—Drunk again?

- -

He—Hic, so am I.

- -
- -

The fellow in the next room to me last night made -an awful lot of noise, his wooden leg pained him.

- -

How could that be?

- -

His wife hit him over the head with it.

- -
- -

Percy—“Was it because your brother took his typewriter -out to lunch that all the trouble came about?”

- -

Harold—“Oh, no, it wasn’t that! It was because -his wife found it out.”

- -
- -

“How do you tell the age of a turkey?”

- -

“By the teeth.”

- -

“A turkey hasn’t got teeth!”

- -

“No; but I have.”

- -
- -

55 -B’ginger I went into a Turkish bath an’ gin a feller -a dollar outen m’wallet and he laid me out onto a -slab and derned if he didn’t scrub me with a brick. -Wall, I asked him what in thunder he was doin’ and -he said: “Scouring the country for money.”

- -
- -

I have got a brother in New York that didn’t eat -there for two weeks.

- -

When was that?

- -

That was when he was in Chicago.

- -
- -

I always put my money under the mattress at -night.

- -

Why?

- -

So I’ll have something to fall back on.

- -
- -

You can’t guess what I saw on the hind of a street-car -to-day.

- -

I don’t know, what did you see?

- -

The conductor.

- -
- -

“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve got on. Where -did you get them?”

- -

“Bought ’em.”

- -

“Does your wife choose your clothes?”

- -

“No, she only picks the pockets!”

- -
- -

Let’s see. Your father’s a carriage-builder, isn’t -he?

- -

Yes. That’s the reason I’m buggy.

- -
- -

56 -When did your teeth first begin troubling you?

- -

When I was cutting them.

- -
- -

“I saw a goblet to-day made of bone.”

- -

“Pshaw! I saw a tumbler made of flesh and blood -last night.”

- -

“Where?”

- -

“At the circus.”

- -
- -

If I had not defended that man he would have gone -to State’s prison for ten years.

- -

What did they do with him?

- -

They hung him.

- -
- -

“There’s a poor man out there that would give -anything to see you.” “Who is it?” “A blind -man.”

- -
- -

Tourist—“I suppose I can’t get a train for three -hours?”

- -

Station Agent—“O, yes; your train leaves in five -minutes.”

- -

Tourist—“Ah! That’s a great wait off my mind.”

- -
- -

“Where are you going?” asked a little boy of another, -who had slipped and fallen on an icy pavement. -“Going to get up!” was the blunt reply.

- -
- -

“I was hit in the head with a ball bat when very -young.”

- -

“And you’ve been off your base ever since.”

- -
- -

57 -“My wife is a great admirer of beauty.”

- -

“She must have changed since she married you.”

- -
- -

“Why is a kiss like the three graces?”

- -

“It’s faith to a girl; hope to a young woman; and -charity to an old maid.”

- -
- -

An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer “was -lying at the point of death,” exclaimed: “My Gracious! -Won’t even death stop that man’s lying?”

- -
- -

Suppose you had a buggy-top and five cents, what -would you do?

- -

I would buy a fine comb.

- -
- -

A butcher-boy in Washington Market says he has -often heard of the fore quarters of the globe, but -never heard any person say anything about the hind -quarters.

- -
- -

“What is it that goes with the train, stops when it -stops, that’s no use to it, and yet it can’t go ten yards -without it?”

- -

“Give it up.”

- -

“The noise!”

- -
- -

“I believe that man Swindler is a palmist.”

- -

“Why?”

- -

“Played poker with him last night, when I got up -to get a drink he looked at my hand.”

- -
- -

58 -I was arrested the other day for larceny. When I -came before the judge he said: “Young man, you’re -arrested for picking the pocket of an old man.” I -said: “Your honor, I took them in rotation, just as -they came in the crowd.”

- -
- -

She—Do you believe there are microbes in kisses?

- -

He—I never believe anything without investigation.

- -
- -

“My wife was very sick the other night and I -thought she would die. She moaned and groaned -and tossed about and kicked all the bed covers off -her.”

- -

“Well, what then?”

- -

“I put the covers back and then she recovered.”

- -
- -

“I want a dog-collar.”

- -

“Yes, sir,” replied the absent-minded man behind -the counter. “What size shirt do you wear?”

- -
- -

“That’s a mighty becoming dress you are wearing.”

- -

“Becoming? Why, it hides my figure completely!”

- -

“That’s what I said.”

- -
- -

“I wonder why it is that people cry at weddings?”

- -

“I guess it is because they’ve been married themselves -and they haven’t got the heart to laugh.”

- -
- -

“Please, I want to buy a dollar’s worth of hay.”

- -

“Is it for your father?”

- -

“Oh, no; it’s for the horse; father doesn’t eat hay!”

- -
- -

“Why didn’t you eat your breakfast this morning?”

- -

“’Twasn’t fit for a hog to eat.”

- - - -
-
-
- -

THE STUDENT’S
-Manual of Phonic Shorthand

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
THE LORD’S PRAYER
-
- -

The contents of this book is a complete introduction -to the Stenographic Art, as used for Business -Correspondence and Verbatim Reporting. -Illustrated by Plates having Printed Keys, which -are based wholly upon a system that -has been reduced to every-day practice. -The Signs are all constructed -on simple plans, and can be read -easier than the plainest printed -copy. Each sign indicates a sound. -A boy of 12, by this method, will -learn in a week what would take -an adult a year by the old way. Illustrated -with Numerous Examples. -Any one can, in a short time, Report -Sermons, Speeches, Trials, etc., with ease and -rapidity. Many girls and boys, from this book alone, -have become splendid Reporters, and are now receiving -from $1,500 to $2,000 a year as Expert Stenographers. -You can perfect yourself in a short time, -so that you will have a Life Occupation—one that always -commands a high salary. It is not a difficult -study. It will be of immense value to any young -man or woman. This is really the only Simple and -Practical Book on Shorthand published, and it will -prove a profitable investment. It will be sent by mail, -postpaid, to any address, on receipt of 30 Cents.

- -

- -Pointing hand - - Persons in Foreign Countries -must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY ORDER.

- -

- -Pointing hand - - FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.

- -

Address all orders to -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
-

WEHMAN BROS.’
-COMPLETE -Letter-Writer

- -

Or the New Art of Polite Correspondence.

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- - -
- -
- -

Adapted for both sexes. This is the best letter-writer -published. It teaches how to write a letter on any subject -out of the writer’s own head, or to compose a first-class, intelligent -business letter, or a love letter -or a friendly letter. It gives as samples -hundreds of letters of every kind, and -shows you how to carry on a long correspondence -with a lady or a gentleman—letters -that will never fail to penetrate -the heart. No other book has this Mystery -of Secret Correspondence. Only -French books have it. It is the book to -refer to when you want to write what -you cannot find words to express. It -opens all the little rivulets that start -from the soul, enabling you to write on -any topic with ease and elegance; or -how to write a complimentary note, or -how to write for the press. Rules on -spelling correctly, on punctuation, on -directing letters, and an immense -amount of information not to be found in any other book. -There are many young people who are good scholars, but who -are woefully deficient in ordinary letter-writing. They receive -letters from friends, that they postpone answering on account -of their own ignorance of elegant letter-writing, until at last -they remain unanswered, and they lose their correspondent. -Many a son or daughter at school, receives beautiful letters -from home, and wonder why he or she cannot write such letters -in return. It is because they need practical instruction in -letter-writing. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt -of 30 Cents.

- -

- -Pointing hand - - Persons in Foreign -Countries must remit by POST-OFFICE MONEY ORDER.

- -

- -Pointing hand - - FOREIGN COIN, -STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.

- -

Address all orders to -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
-

Wehman Bros.’
-Book of -1000 WAYS TO GET RICH

- -

Price 30 Cents.

- - -
- -
- -

To those that work hard for a mere -existence, we have a few plain words -to say. Every person wants to make -money, and wants to make it fast and -easily. This book will tell them how. -Many worthy people grow gray from -hard work and have nothing to show -for it. It is such people we address. -Among the valuable secrets in this -really great book there are many that -require no capital and but little labor -with no special ability. With any one -of these recipes you can make money -ten times easier than you could by hard -work, and be your own master at that. -This book is crammed full of recipes -that will help you become rich quickly. -Not by peddling and forcing sales, but -by making things that nearly everybody will buy. No -such word as “fail” about it. All the operations can be -done in your own town. No “gift of gab” necessary. The -things will sell themselves. No capital required to begin. -The money rolls in from the start. It will be sent by mail, -postpaid, on receipt of 30 Cents.

- -

Address -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - -
-
-
-

HERMANN’S ART OF MAGIC

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

A practical treatise on how to perform -modern tricks, by Prof. Hermann. Great -care has been exercised by the author to -include in this book only such tricks as -have never before appeared in print. -This assures the performer a secret and -almost endless fund for suitable material -to be used on all occasions. With -little practice, almost any one can perform -the more simple tricks, and with practice, -as he becomes more adept, he can -perform the most difficult ones. No book -published contains a greater variety of -material for conjurors and sleight-of-hand -performers than this book. Coins, -cards, silk hat, handkerchiefs, balls, are -all introduced in the many programs offered, -thus affording one an endless variety -from which to select for parlor or stage entertainments. -Price 30 Cents, by mail, postpaid.

- -

Address -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
-

MORGAN’S
-EXPOSE OF -FREEMASONRY

- -

PRICE 35 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

It contains all the degrees conferred -by a master’s lodge, as written -by Capt. William Morgan.

- -

By GEORGE K. CRAFTS,

- -

formerly Thrice Puissant Grand -Master of Manitou Council, New -York. It will be sent by mail, postpaid, -to any address, on receipt of -35 Cents.

- -

Address all orders to -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - -
-
-
-

WEHMAN’S
-MINSTREL SKETCHES, CONUNDRUMS and JOKES

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

A book full and running over with side-splitting fun. It -contains conundrums that will set the whole continent guessing, -and then they’ll have to “give ’em -up” half the time. Jokes and gags for -end men—the best lot of these funny -questions and answers ever published. -Negro sketches—the minstrel and showman -will find in this book all the -sketches they want to set a house in a -rip-roarious laughter. It also contains -the latest jokes that were sprung by the -most successful minstrel shows and the -most successful comedians throughout -this country and the United Kingdom. -In fact, it is pre-eminently the best -and most comprehensive collection of -sketches, conundrums and jokes put on -the market at so low a price. It will be -sent by mail, postpaid, to any address, -on receipt of 30 Cents.

- -

Address all orders to -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
-

Wehman’s Book of -700 -Secrets;
-or How to
-GET RICH WHEN YOUR POCKETS ARE EMPTY.

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

A $2.00 book for 30 cents. Reader, are -you poor? This may be the stepping-stone -to your future prosperity. It will -lead you to something that is just as -sure to pave your way to fortune as -that you now exist. A bright future -is yours if you only stretch out your -hand and grasp the golden key that -unlocks the vault that opens to your -astonished gaze the hidden treasure. -Any person, male or female, married -or single, with just a little pluck, will -be enabled with any one of the 700 receipts -in this book to make a start on -the sure road to wealth and luxury. -Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of -30 Cents.

- -

Address all orders to -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
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THE MYSTERY OF
-Love, Courtship and Marriage Explained

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

This book explains how maidens -may become happy wives, and bachelors -become happy husbands, in a brief -space of time and by easy methods. -Also, complete directions for declaring -intentions, accepting vows, and retaining -affection both before and after -marriage, describing the invitations, -the dresses, the ceremony, and the -proper behavior of both bride and -bridegroom, whether in public or behind -the nuptial curtain. It also tells -plainly how to begin courting, the -way to get over bashfulness, the way -to “sit up,” the way to find the soft -spot in a sweetheart’s breast, the way -to write a love letter, the way to easily -win a girl’s consent, the way to “do -up things” before and after engagement, -and hundreds of other things of vast importance to -lovers. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of 30 Cents.

- -

Address all orders to -WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.

- - - - -
-
-
- -

Hoffman’s
-TRICKS WITH CARDS

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

Containing all the modern tricks, diversions -and sleight-of-hand deceptions, -with descriptive diagrams, showing -how to make the pass; to force a card; -to make a false shuffle; to palm a card; -to ruffle the cards; to change a card; to -get sight of a drawn card; to slip a card; -to draw back a card; to turn over the -pack; to spring the cards from one hand -to the other; to throw a card; simple -modes of discovering a given card; to -make a card vanish from the pack and -be found in a person’s pocket; to place -the four kings in different parts of the -pack, and to bring them together by a -simple cut; to allow a person to think -of a card, and to make that card appear -at such number in the pack as another person shall name; to -guess four cards thought of by different persons. Sent by -mail, postpaid, on receipt of 30 Cents.

- -

WEHMAN BROS., -158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY.

- - - - -
-
-
-

NAPOLEON’S
-ORACULUM
-AND BOOK OF FATE
-(32 QUESTIONS),

- -

PRICE 30 CENTS.

- -
- -
- -

Being a complete fortune-teller that embraces -næviology, or fortune-telling by -moles; physiognomy, or the art of fortune-telling -by the lines and forms of the -face, hair, eyes, etc.; rules for finding -the natural temperament of any person.

- -

——ALSO——

- -

FORTUNE-TELLING BY CARDS;

-

together with palmistry, or judgments -drawn from the hand and from the nails -of the fingers; fortune-telling by the -grounds of the coffee-cup; charms, -spells, incantations, etc.; signs of a speedy -marriage and how to choose good husbands -and wives; also fortune-telling by -dice, fortunate and unfortunate days, etc. -Price 30 Cents, by mail, postpaid. Address

- -

WEHMAN BROS., -158 PARK ROW, NEW YORK CITY.

- - -
-
-
-
-

Transcriber’s Note:

- -

Perceived printer errors have been changed.

-
-
- - - - - - - - -
-
-
-
-
-
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