diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/60962-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/60962-0.txt | 4906 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 4906 deletions
diff --git a/old/60962-0.txt b/old/60962-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c4b197e..0000000 --- a/old/60962-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4906 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Vegetable, or From President to Postman, by -F. Scott Fitzgerald - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Vegetable, or From President to Postman - -Author: F. Scott Fitzgerald - -Release Date: December 19, 2019 [EBook #60962] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VEGETABLE *** - - - - -Produced by Mary Glenn Krause Chuck Greif and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from images made available by the -HathiTrust Digital Library.) - - - - - - - - - - BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD - - - Novels - - THIS SIDE OF PARADISE - THE BEAUTIFUL AND DAMNED - - - Stories - - FLAPPERS AND PHILOSOPHERS - TALES OF THE JAZZ AGE - - - And a Comedy - - THE VEGETABLE - - - - - THE VEGETABLE - - - - - THE VEGETABLE - or - from President to postman - - - By - F. SCOTT FITZGERALD - - “_Any man who doesn’t want to get on in the - world, to make a million dollars, and maybe even - park his toothbrush in White House, hasn’t - got as much to him as a good dog has--he’s - nothing more or less than a vegetable._” - - --_From a Current Magazine._ - - - NEW YORK CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS 1923 - - - COPYRIGHT, 1923, BY CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS - - Printed in the United States of America - - Published April, 1923 - - - [Illustration: colophon] - - - TO KATHERINE TIGHE AND EDMUND WILSON, JR. - - WHO DELETED MANY ABSURDITIES FROM MY FIRST TWO NOVELS I RECOMMEND THE - ABSURDITIES SET DOWN HERE - - - - - THE VEGETABLE - - - - -ACT I - - - _This is the “living” room of Jerry Frost’s house. It is evening. - The room (and, by implication, the house) is small and stuffy--it’s - an awful bother to raise these old-fashioned windows; some of them - stick, and besides it’s extravagant to let in much cold air, here - in the middle of March. I can’t say much for the furniture, either. - Some of it’s instalment stuff, imitation leather with the grain - painted on as an after-effect, and some of it’s dingily, - depressingly old. That bookcase held “Ben Hur” when it was a - best-seller, and it’s now trying to digest “A Library of the - World’s Best Literature” and the “Wit and Humor of the United - States in Six Volumes.” That couch would be dangerous to sit upon - without a map showing the location of all craters, hillocks, and - thistle-patches. And three dead but shamefully unburied clocks - stare eyelessly before them from their perches around the walls._ - - _Those walls--God! The history of American photography hangs upon - them. Photographs of children with puffed dresses and depressing - leers, taken in the Fauntleroy nineties, of babies with toothless - mouths and idiotic eyes, of young men with the hair cuts of ’85 and - ’90 and ’02, and with neckties that loop, hoist, snag, or flare in - conformity to some esoteric, antiquated standard of middle-class - dandyism. And the girls! You’d have to laugh at the girls! - Imitation Gibson girls, mostly; you can trace their histories - around the room, as each of them withered and stated. Here’s one in - the look-at-her-little-toes-aren’t-they-darling period, and here - she is later when she was a little bother of ten. Look! This is the - way she was when she was after a husband. She might be worse. - There’s a certain young charm or something, but in the next picture - you can see what five years of general housework have done to her. - You wouldn’t turn your eyes half a degree to watch her in the - street. And that was taken six years ago--now she’s thirty and - already an old woman._ - - _You’ve guessed it. That last one, allowing for the photographer’s - kind erasure of a few lines, is Mrs. Jerry Frost. If you listen for - a minute, you’ll hear her, too._ - - _But wait. Against my will, I’ll have to tell you a few sordid - details about the room. There’s got to be a door in plain sight - that leads directly outdoors, and then there are two other doors, - one to the dining-room and one to the second floor--you can see - the beginning of the stairs. Then there’s a window somewhere that’s - used in the last act. I hate to mention these things, but they’re - part of the plot._ - - _Now you see when the curtain went up, Jerry Frost had left the - little Victrola playing and wandered off to the cellar or - somewhere, and Mrs. Jerry (you can call her Charlotte) hears it - from where she is up-stairs. Listen!_ - -“Some little bug is going to find you, so-o-ome day!” - - _That’s her. She hasn’t got much of a voice, has she? And she will - sing one key higher than the Victrola. And now the darn Victrola’s - running down and giving off a ghastly minor discord like the death - agony of a human being._ - -CHARLOTTE. [_She’s up-stairs, remember._] Jerry, wind up the -graphophone. - - _There’s no answer._ - -Jer-ry! - - _Still no answer._ - -Jerry, wind up the graphophone. It isn’t good for it. - - _Yet again no answer._ - -All right-- [_smugly_]--if you want to ruin it, _I_ don’t care. - - _The phonograph whines, groans, gags, and dies, and almost - simultaneously with its last feeble gesture a man comes into the - room, saying: “What?” He receives no answer. It is Jerry Frost, in - whose home we are._ - - _Jerry Frost is thirty-five. He is a clerk for the railroad at - $3,000 a year. He possesses no eyebrows, but nevertheless he - constantly tries to knit them. His lips are faintly pursed at all - times, as though about to emit an enormous opinion upon some matter - of great importance._ - - _On the wall there is a photograph of him at twenty-seven--just - before he married. Those were the days of his high yellow - pompadour. That is gone now, faded like the rest of him into a - docile pattern without grace or humor._ - - _After his mysterious and unanswered “What?” Jerry stares at the - carpet, surely not in æsthetic approval, and becomes engrossed in - his lack of thoughts. Suddenly he gives a twitch and tries to reach - with his hand some delicious sector of his back. He can almost - reach it, but not quite--poor man!--so he goes to the mantelpiece - and rubs his back gently, pleasingly, against it, meanwhile keeping - his glance focussed darkly upon the carpet._ - - _He is finished. He is at physical ease again. He leans over the - table--did I say there was a table?--and turns the pages of a - magazine, yawning meanwhile and tentatively beginning a slow clog - step with his feet. Presently this distracts him from the magazine, - and he looks apathetically at his feet. Then suddenly he sits in a - chair and begins to sing, unmusically, and with faint interest, a - piece which is possibly his own composition. The tune varies - considerably, but the words have an indisputable consistency, as - they are composed wholly of the phrase: “Everybody is there, - everybody is there!_” - - _He is a motion-picture of tremendous, unconscious boredom._ - - _Suddenly he gives out a harsh, bark-like sound and raises his hand - swiftly, as though he were addressing an audience. This fails to - amuse him; the arm falters, strays lower---- _ - -JERRY. Char-_lit_! Have you got the Saturday Evening Post? - - _There is no reply._ - -Char-_lit_! - - _Still no reply._ - -Char-_lit_! - -CHARLOTTE [_with syrupy recrimination_]. You didn’t bother to answer me, -so I don’t think I should bother to answer you. - -JERRY [_indignant, incredulous_]. Answer you what? - -CHARLOTTE. You know what I mean. - -JERRY. I mos’ certainly do not. - -CHARLOTTE. I asked you to wind up the graphophone. - -JERRY [_glancing at it indignantly_]. The phonograph? - -CHARLOTTE. Yes, the graphophone! - -JERRY. It’s the first time I knew it. [_He is utterly disgusted. He -starts to speak several times, but each time he hesitates. Disgust -settles upon his face, in a heavy pall. Then he remembers his original -question._] Have you got the Saturday Evening Post? - -CHARLOTTE. _Yes_, I told you! - -JERRY. You did not tell me! - -CHARLOTTE. I can’t help it if you’re deaf! - -JERRY. Deaf? Who’s deaf? [_After a pause._] No more deaf than you are. -[_After another pause._] Not half as much. - -CHARLOTTE. Don’t talk so loud--you’ll wake the people next door. - -JERRY [_incredulously_]. The people next door! - -CHARLOTTE. You heard me! - - _Jerry is beaten, and taking it very badly. He is beginning to - brood when the telephone rings. He answers it._ - -JERRY. Hello!... [_With recognition and rising interest._] Oh, -hell_o_.... Did you get the stuff.... Just one gallon is all I want.... -No, I can’t use more than one gallon.... [_He looks around -thoughtfully._] Yes, I suppose so, but I’d rather have you mix it before -you bring it.... Well, about nine o’clock, then. [_He rings off, gleeful -now, smiling. Then sudden worry, and the hairless eyebrows knit -together. He takes a note-book out of his pocket, lays it open before -him, and picks up the receiver._] Midway 9191.... Yes.... Hello, is this -Mr.--Mr. S-n-o-o-k-s’s residence?... Hello, is this Mr. S-n-o-o-k-s’s -residence?... [_Very distinctly._] Mr. Snukes or Snooks.... Mr. S-n-, -the boo--the fella that gets _stuff_, hooch ... h-o-o-c-h.... No, Snukes -or Snooks is the man I want.... Oh. Why, a fella down-town gave me your -husband’s name and he called me up--at least, I called him up first, and -then he called me up just now--see?... You see? Hello--is this--am I -talking to the wife of the--of the--of the fella that gets _stuff_ for -you? The b-o-o-t-l-e-g-g-e-r? Oh, you know, the bootlegger. [_He -breathes hard after this word. Do you suppose Central will tell on -him?_] ... Oh. Well, you see, I wanted to tell him when he comes -to-night to come to the back door.... No, Hooch is not my name. My name -is Frost. 2127 Osceola Avenue.... Oh, he’s left already? Oh, all right. -Thanks.... Well, good-by.... Well, good-by ... good-by. [_He rings off. -Again his hairless brows are knit with worry._] Char-lit! - -CHARLOTTE [_abstractedly_]. Yes? - -JERRY. Charlit, if you want to read a good story, read the one about the -fella who gets shipwrecked on the Buzzard Islands and meets the Chinese -girl, only she isn’t a Chinese girl at all. - -CHARLOTTE [_she’s still up-stairs, remember_]. What? - -JERRY. There’s one story in there--are you reading the Saturday Evening -Post? - -CHARLOTTE. I would be if you didn’t interrupt me every minute. - -JERRY. I’m not. I just wanted to tell you there’s one story in there -about a Chinese girl who gets wrecked on the Buzzard Islands that isn’t -a Chinese---- - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, let up, for heaven’s sakes! Don’t nag me. - - _Clin-n-ng! That’s the door-bell._ - -There’s the door-bell. - -JERRY [_with fine sarcasm]_. Oh, really? Why, I thought it was a -cow-bell. - -CHARLOTTE [_witheringly_]. Ha-ha! - - _Well, he’s gone to the door. He opens it, mumbles something, - closes it. Now he’s back._ - -JERRY. It wasn’t anybody. - -CHARLOTTE. It must have been. - -JERRY. What? - -CHARLOTTE. It couldn’t have rung itself. - -JENNY [_in disgust_]. Oh, gosh, you think that’s funny. [_After a -pause._] It was a man who wanted 2145. I told him this was 2127, so he -went away. - - _Charlotte is now audibly descending a crickety flight of stairs, - and here she is! She’s thirty, and old for her age, just like I - told you, shapeless, slack-cheeked, but still defiant. She would - fiercely resent the statement that her attractions have declined - ninety per cent since her marriage, and in the same breath she - would assume that there was a responsibility and shoulder it on her - husband. She talks in a pessimistic whine and, with a sort of dowdy - egotism, considers herself generally in the right. Frankly, I don’t - like her, though she can’t help being what she is._ - -CHARLOTTE. I thought you were going to the Republican Convention down at -the Auditorium. - -JERRY. Well, I am. [_But he remembers the b-o-o--._] No, I can’t. - -CHARLOTTE. Well, then, for heaven’s sakes don’t spend the evening -sitting here and nagging me. I’m nervous enough as it is. - - _They both sit. She produces a basket of sewing, selects a man’s - nightshirt and begins, apparently, to rip it to pieces. Meanwhile - Jerry, who has picked up a magazine, regards her out of the corner - of his eye. During the first rip he starts to speak, and again - during the second rip, but each time he restrains himself with a - perceptible effort._ - -JERRY. What are you tearing that up for? - -CHARLOTTE [_sarcastically_]. Just for fun. - -JERRY. Why don’t you tear up one of your own? - -CHARLOTTE [_exasperated_]. Oh, I know what I’m doing. For heaven’s -sakes, don’t _n-a-a-ag_ me! - -JERRY [_feebly_]. Well, I just asked you. [_A long pause._] Well, I got -analyzed to-day. - -CHARLOTTE. What? - -JERRY. I got analyzed. - -CHARLOTTE. What’s that? - -JERRY. I got analyzed by an expert analyzer. Everybody down at the -Railroad Company got analyzed. [_Rather importantly._] They got a chart -about me that long. [_He expresses two feet with his hands._] Say-- [_He -rises suddenly and goes up close to her._] What color my eyes? - -CHARLOTTE. Don’t ask me. Sort of brown, I guess. - -JERRY. Brown? That’s what I told ’em. But they got me down for blue. - -CHARLOTTE. What was it all about? Did they pay you anything for it? - -JERRY. Pay me anything? Of course not. It was for my benefit. It’ll do -me a lot of good. I was _analyzed_, can’t you understand? They found out -a lot of stuff about me. - -CHARLOTTE [_dropping her work in horror_]. Do you think you’ll lose your -job? - -JERRY [_in disgust_]. A lot you know about business methods. Don’t you -ever read “Efficiency” or the “Systematic Weekly”? It’s a sort of -examination. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, I know. When they feel all the bumps on your head. - -JERRY. No, not like that at all. They ask you questions, see? - -CHARLOTTE. Well, you needn’t be so cross about it. - - _He hasn’t been cross._ - -I hope you had the spunk to tell them you thought you deserved a better -position than you’ve got. - -JERRY. They didn’t ask me things like that. It was up-stairs in one of -the private offices. First the character analyzer looked at me sort of -hard and said “Sit down!” - -CHARLOTTE. Did you sit down? - -JERRY. Sure; the thing is to do what they tell you. Well, then the -character analyzer asked me my name and whether I was married. - -CHARLOTTE [_suspiciously_]. What did you tell her? - -JERRY. Oh, it was a man. I told him yes, of course. What do you think I -am? - -CHARLOTTE. Well, did he ask you anything else about me? - -JERRY. No. He asked me what it was my ambition to be, and I said I -didn’t have any ambition left, and then I said, “Do you mean when I was -a kid?” And he said, “All right, what did you want to do then?” And I -said “Postman,” and he said, “What sort of a job would you like to get -now?” and I said, “Well, what have you got to offer?” - -CHARLOTTE. Did he offer you a job? - -JERRY. No, he was just kidding, I guess. Well, then, he asked me if I’d -ever done any studying at home to fit me for a higher position, and I -said, “Sure,” and he said, “What?” and I couldn’t think of anything -off-hand, so I told him I took music lessons. He said no, he meant about -railroads, and I said they worked me so hard that when I got home at -night I never want to hear about railroads again. - -CHARLOTTE. Was that all? - -JERRY. Oh, there were some more questions. He asked me if I’d ever been -in jail. - -CHARLOTTE. What did you tell him? - -JERRY. I told him “no,” of course. - -CHARLOTTE. He probably didn’t believe you. - -JERRY. Well, he asked me a few more things, and then he let me go. I -think I got away with it all right. At least he didn’t give me any black -marks on my chart--just a lot of little circles. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, you got away with it “all right.” That’s all you care. -You got away with it. Satisfied with nothing. Why didn’t you talk right -up to him: “See here, I don’t see why I shouldn’t get more money.” -That’s what you’d have ought to said. He’d of respected you more in the -end. - -JERRY [_gloomily_]. I did have ambitions once. - -CHARLOTTE. Ambition to do what? To be a postman. That was a fine -ambition for a fella twenty-two years old. And you’d have been one if -I’d let you. The only other ambition you ever had was to marry me. And -that didn’t last long. - -JERRY. I know it didn’t. It lasted one month too long, though. - - _A mutual glare here--let’s not look._ - -And I’ve had other ambitions since then--don’t you worry. - -CHARLOTTE [_scornfully_]. What? - -JERRY. Oh, that’s all right. - -CHARLOTTE. What, though? I’d like to know what. To win five dollars -playing dice in a cigar store? - -JERRY. Never you mind. Don’t you worry. Don’t you fret. It’s all right, -see? - -CHARLOTTE. You’re afraid to tell me. - -JERRY. No, I’m not. Don’t you worry. - -CHARLOTTE. Yes, you are. - -JERRY. All right then. If you want to know, I had an ambition to be -President of the United States. - -CHARLOTTE [_laughing_]. Ho--_ho_--ho--_ho_! - - _Jerry is pretending to be interested only in sucking his - teeth--but you can see that he is both sorry he made his admission - and increasingly aware that his wife is being unpleasant._ - -CHARLOTTE. But you decided to give that up, eh? - -JERRY. Sure. I gave up everything when I got married. - -CHARLOTTE. Even gave up being a postman, eh? That’s right. Blame it all -on me! Why, if it hadn’t been for me you wouldn’t even be what you -are--a fifty-dollar-a-week clerk. - -JERRY. That’s right. I’m only a fifty-dollar-a-week clerk. But you’re -only a thirty-dollar-a-week wife. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, I am, am I? - -JERRY. I made a big mistake when I married you. - -CHARLOTTE. Stop talking like that! I wish you were dead--dead and -buried--cremated! Then I could have some fun. - -JERRY. Where--in the poorhouse? - -CHARLOTTE. That’s where I’d be, I know. - - _Charlotte is not really very angry. She is merely smug and - self-satisfied, you see, and is only mildly annoyed at this - unexpected resistance to her brow-beating. She knows that Jerry - will always stay and slave for her. She has begun this row as a - sort of vaudeville to assuage her nightly boredom._ - -CHARLOTTE. Why didn’t you think of these things before we got married? - -JERRY. I did, a couple of times, but you had me all signed up then. - - _The sound of uncertain steps creaking down the second floor. Into - the room at a wavering gait comes Jerry’s father, Horatio--“Dada.”_ - - _Dada was born in 1834, and will never see eighty-eight again--in - fact, his gathering blindness prevented him from seeing it very - clearly in the first place. Originally he was probably Jerry’s - superior in initiative, but he did not prosper, and during the - past twenty years his mind has been steadily failing. A Civil War - pension has kept him quasi-independent, and he looks down as from a - great dim height upon Jerry (whom he thinks of as an adolescent) - and Charlotte (whom he rather dislikes). Never given to reading in - his youth, he has lately become absorbed in the Old Testament and - in all Old Testament literature, over which he burrows every day in - the Public Library._ - - _In person he is a small, shrivelled man with a great amount of - hair on his face, which gives him an unmistakable resemblance to a - French poodle. The fact that he is almost blind and even more - nearly deaf contributes to his aloof, judicial pose, and to the - prevailing impression that something grave and thoughtful and - important is going on back of those faded, vacant eyes. This - conception is entirely erroneous. Half the time his mind is a - vacuum, in which confused clots of information and misinformation - drift and stir--the rest of the time he broods upon the minute - details of his daily existence. He is too old, even, for the petty - spites which represent to the aged the single gesture of vitality - they can make against the ever-increasing pressure of life and - youth._ - - _When he enters the room he looks neither to left nor right, but - with his head shaking faintly and his mouth moving in a shorter - vibration, makes directly for the bookcase._ - -JERRY. Hello, Dada. - - _Dada does not hear._ - -JERRY [_louder_]. Looking for the Bible, Dada? - -DADA. [_He has reached the bookcase, and he turns around stiffly._] I’m -not deaf, sir. - -JERRY. [_Let’s draw the old man out._] Who do you think will be -nominated for President, Dada? - -DADA [_trying to pretend he has just missed one word_]. The---- - -JERRY [_louder_]. Who do you think’ll be nominated for President, -to-night? - -DADA. I should say that Lincoln was our greatest President. [_He turns -back to the bookcase with an air of having settled a trivial question -for all time._] - -JERRY. I mean to-night. They’re getting a new one. Don’t you read the -papers? - -DADA [_who has heard only a faint murmur_]. Hm. - -CHARLOTTE. You _know_ he never reads anything but the Bible. Why do you -nag him? - -JERRY. He reads the encyclopædia at the Public Library. [_With a rush of -public spirit._] If he’d just read the newspapers he’d know what was -going on and have something to talk about. He just sits around and -never says anything. - -CHARLOTTE. At least he doesn’t gabble his head off all day. He’s got -sense enough not to do that _any_way, haven’t you, Dada? - - _Dada does not answer._ - -JERRY. Lookit here, Charlit. I don’t call it gabbling if I meet a man in -the street and he says, “Well, I see somebody was nominated for -President,” and I say, “Yes, I see saw--see so.” Suppose I said, “Yes, -Lincoln was our greatest President.” He’d say, “Why, if that fella isn’t -a piece of cheese I never saw a piece of cheese.” - -DADA [_turning about plaintively_]. Some one has taken my Bible. - -JERRY. No, there it is on the second shelf, Dada. - -DADA. [_He doesn’t hear._] I don’t like people moving it around. - -CHARLOTTE. Nobody moved it. - -DADA. My old mother used to say to me, “Horatio--” [_He brings this word -out with an impressive roundness, but as his eye, at that moment, -catches sight of the Bible, he loses track of his thought. He pounces -upon the Holy Book and drags it out, pulling with it two or three other -books, which crash to the floor. The sound of their fall is very faint -on his ears--and under the delusion that his error is unnoticed, he -slyly kicks the books under the bookcase. Jerry and Charlotte exchange a -glance. With his Bible under his arm Dada starts stealthily toward the -staircase. He sees something bright shining on the first step, and, not -without difficulty, stoops to pick it up. His efforts are -unsuccessful._] Hello, here’s a nail that looks just like a ten-cent -piece. [_He starts up-stairs._] - -JERRY. He thought he found a ten-cent piece. - -CHARLOTTE [_significantly_]. Nobody has yet in _this_ house. - - _In the ensuing silence Dada can be heard ascending the stairs. - About half-way up there is a noise as if he had slipped down a - notch. Then a moment of utter silence._ - -JERRY. You all right, Dada? - - _No answer. Dada is heard to resume his climb._ - -He was just resting. [_He goes over and starts picking up the books. -Cli-n-ng! There’s the front door-bell again. It occurs to him that it’s -the b-o-o._] I’ll answer it. - -CHARLOTTE [_who has risen_]. _I’ll_ answer it. It’s my own sister Doris, -I _know_. You answered the last one. - -JERRY. That was a mistake. It’s my turn this time by rights. - - _Answering the door-bell is evidently a pleasant diversion over - which they have squabbled before._ - -CHARLOTTE. I’ll answer it. - -JERRY. You needn’t bother. - - _Cli-n-ng! An impatient ring that._ - -CHARLOTTE AND JERRY [_together_]. Now, listen here-- - - _They both start for the door. Jerry turns, only trying to argue - with her some more, and what does the woman do but slap his face! - Then, quick as a flash, she is by him and has opened the door._ - - _What do you think of that? Jerry stands there with an - expressionless face. In comes Charlotte’s sister Doris._ - - _Well, now, I’ll tell you about Doris. She’s nineteen, I guess, and - pretty. She’s nice and slender and dressed in an astonishingly - close burlesque of the current fashions. She’s a member of that - portion of the middle-class whose girls are just a little bit too - proud to work and just a little bit too needy not to. In this city - of perhaps a quarter of a million people she knows a few girls who - know a few girls who are “social leaders,” and through this - connection considers herself a member of the local aristocracy. In - her mind, morals, and manners she is a fairly capable imitation of - the current moving-picture girl, with overtones of some of the - year’s débutantes whom she sees down-town. Doris knows each - débutante’s first name and reputation, and she follows the various - affairs of the season as they appear in the society column._ - - _She walks--walks, not runs--haughtily into the room, her head - inclined faintly forward, her hips motionless. She speaks always in - a bored voice, raising her eyebrows at the important words of each - sentence._ - -DORIS. Hello, people. - -JERRY [_a little stiffly--he’s mad_.] Why, hello, Doris. - - _Doris sits down with a faint glance at her chair, as though - suspecting its chastity._ - -DORIS. Well, I’m engaged again. - - _She says this as though realizing that she is the one contact this - couple have with the wider and outer world. She assumes with almost - audible condescension that their only objective interest is the - fascinating spectacle of her career. And so there is nothing - personal in her confidences; it is as though she were reporting - dispassionately an affair of great national, or, rather, passional - importance. And, indeed, Jerry and Charlotte respond magnificently - to her initial remark by saying “Honestly?” in incredulous unison - and staring at her with almost bated breath._ - -DORIS [_laconically_]. Last night. - -CHARLOTTE [_reproachfully_]. Oh, Doris! [_flattering her, you see, by -accusing her of being utterly incorrigible_.] - -DORIS. I simply couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stand him any longer, and -this new fella I’m engaged to now simply had to know--because he was -keeping some girl waiting. I just couldn’t stand it. The strain was -awful. - -CHARLOTTE. Why couldn’t you stand it? What was the trouble? - -DORIS [_coolly_]. He drank. - - _Charlotte, of course, shakes her head in sympathy._ - -He’d drink anything. Anything he could get his hands on. He used to -drink all these mixtures and then come round to see me. - - _A close observer might notice that at this statement Jerry, - thinking of his nefarious bargain with the b-o-o, perceptibly - winces._ - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, that’s too bad. He was such a clean-cut fella. - -DORIS. Yes, Charlotte, he was clean-cut, but that was all. I couldn’t -stand it, honestly I couldn’t. I never saw such a man, Charlotte. He -took the platinum sardine. When they go up in your room and steal your -six-dollar-an-ounce perfume, a girl’s got to let a man go. - -CHARLOTTE. I should say she has. What did he say when you broke it off? - -DORIS. He couldn’t say anything. He was too pie-eyed. I tied his ring on -a string, hung it around his neck and pushed him out the door. - -JERRY. Who’s the new one? - -DORIS. Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know much about him, but -I’ll tell you what I _do_ know from what information I could gather from -mutual friends, and so forth. He’s not quite so clean-cut as the first -one, but he’s got lots of other good qualities. He comes from the State -of Idaho, from a town named Fish. - -JERRY. Fish? F-i-s-h? - -DORIS. I think so. It was named after his uncle ... a Mr. Fish. - -JERRY [_wittily_]. They’re a lot of Fish out there. - -DORIS [_not comprehending_]. Well, these Fishes are very nice. They’ve -been mayor a couple of times and all that sort of thing, if you know -what I mean. His father’s in business up there now. - -JERRY. What business? - -DORIS. He’s in the funereal-parlor business. - -JERRY [_indelicately_]. Oh, undertaker. - -DORIS. [_She’s sensitive to the word._] Well, not exactly, but something -like that. A funereal parlor is a sort of--oh, a sort of a _good_ -undertaking place, if you know what I mean. [_And now confidentially._] -As a matter of fact, that’s the part of the thing I don’t like. You see, -we may have to live out in Fish, right over his father’s place of -business. - -JERRY. Why, that’s all right. Think how handy it’ll be if---- - -CHARLOTTE. Keep still, Jerry! - -JERRY. Is he in the same business as his father? - -DORIS. No. At least not now. He was for a while, but the business wasn’t -very good and now he says he’s through with it. His father’s bought him -an interest in one of the stores. - -JERRY. A Fish store, eh? - - _The two women look at him harshly._ - -CHARLOTTE [_wriggling her shoulders with enjoyment_]. Tell us more about -him. - -DORIS. Well, he’s wonderful looking. And he dresses, well, not loud, you -know, but just _well_. And when anybody speaks to him he goes sort -of-- [_To express what Mr. Fish does when any one speaks to him, Doris -turns her profile sharply to the audience, her chin up, her eyes -half-closed in an expression of melancholy scorn._] - -CHARLOTTE. I know--like Rudolph Valentine. - -DORIS [_witheringly--do you blame her?_]. Valentino. - -JERRY. What does it mean when he does that? - -DORIS. I don’t know, just sort of--sort of passion. - -JERRY. Passion! - -DORIS. Emotion sort of. He’s very emotional. That’s one reason I didn’t -like the last fella I was engaged to. He wasn’t very emotional. He was -sort of an old cow most of the time. I’ve got to have somebody -emotional. You remember that place in the Sheik where the fella says: -“Must I play valet as well as lover?” That’s the sort of thing I like. - -CHARLOTTE [_darting a look at Jerry_]. I know _just_ what you mean. - -DORIS. He’s not really as tall as I’d like him to be, but he’s got a -wonderful build and a good complexion. I can’t stand anybody without a -good complexion--can you? He calls me adorable egg. - -JERRY. What does he mean by that? - -DORIS [_airily_]. Oh, “egg” is just a name people use nowadays. It’s -considered sort of the thing. - -JERRY [_awed_]. Egg? - -CHARLOTTE. When do you expect to get married? - -DORIS. You never can tell! - - _A pause, during which they all sigh as if pondering. Then Doris, - with a tremendous effort at justice, switches the conversation away - from herself._ - -DORIS [_patronizingly, condescendingly_]. How’s everything going with -you two? [_To Jerry._] Does your father still read the Bible? - -JERRY. Well, a lot of the time he just thinks. - -DORIS. He hasn’t had anything to do for the last twenty years but just -think, has he? - -JERRY [_impressed_]. Just think of the things he’s probably thought out. - -DORIS [_blasphemously_]. That old dumb-bell? - - _Charlotte and Jerry are a little shocked._ - -How’s everything else been going around here? - -JERRY. I got analyzed to-day at---- - -CHARLOTTE [_interrupting_]. The same as ever. - -JERRY. I got anal---- - -CHARLOTTE [_to Jerry_]. I wish you’d be polite enough not to interrupt -me. - -JERRY [_pathetically_]. I thought you were through. - -CHARLOTTE. Well, you’ve driven what I had to say right out of my head. -[_To Doris._] What do you think he said to-night? He said if he hadn’t -married me he’d be President of the United States. - - _At this Jerry drops his newspaper precipitately, walks in anger to - the door, and goes out without speaking._ - -You see? Just a display of temper. But it doesn’t worry _me_. [_She -sighs--the shrew._] I’m used to it. - - _Doris tactfully makes no reply. After a momentary silence she - changes the subject._ - -DORIS. Well, I find I just made an awful mistake. - -CHARLOTTE [_eagerly_]. Not keeping both those men for a while? That’s -what I think. - -DORIS. No. I mean--do you remember those three dresses I had lengthened? - -CHARLOTTE [_breathlessly_]. Yes. - -DORIS [_tragically_]. I’ll never be able to wear them. - -CHARLOTTE. Why? - -DORIS. There’s a picture of Mae Murray in the new Motion Picture -Magazine ... my dear, half her calf! - -CHARLOTTE. Really? - - _At this point the door leading to the dining-room opens and Jerry - comes in. Looking neither to left nor to right, he marches to his - lately vacated place, snatches up half his newspaper, and goes out - without speaking. The two women bestow on him a careless glance and - continue their discussion._ - -DORIS. It was just my luck. I wish I’d hemmed them like I thought of -doing, instead of cutting them off. That’s the way it always is. As soon -as I get my hair bobbed, Marilyn Miller begins to let hers grow. And -look at mine-- [_She removes her hat._] I can’t do a thing with it. [_She -replaces her hat._] Been to the Bijou Theatre? - -CHARLOTTE. No, what’s there? - - _Again Jerry comes in, almost unbearably self-conscious now. The - poor man has taken the wrong part of the paper. Silently, with a - strained look, he makes the exchange under the intense supervision - of four eyes, and starts back to his haven in the dining-room. Then - he jumps as Doris speaks to him._ - -DORIS. Say! - -JERRY [_morosely dignified_]. What? - -DORIS [_with real interest_]. What makes you think you could be -President? - -JERRY [_to Charlotte_]. That’s right. Make a fool of me in front of all -your relations! [_In his excitement he bangs down his paper upon a -chair._] - -CHARLOTTE. I haven’t said one word--not one single solitary word--have -I, Doris? - - _Jerry goes out hastily--without his paper!_ - -Did I say one word, Doris? I’ll leave it to you. Did I say one single -word to bring down all that uproar on my head? To have him _swear_ at -me? - - _Jerry, crimson in the face, comes in, snatches up his forgotten - paper, and rushes wildly out again._ - -He’s been nagging at me all evening. He said I kept him from doing -everything he wanted to. And you know very well, Doris, he’d have been a -postman if it hadn’t been for me. He said he wished I was dead. - - _It seems to me it was Charlotte who wished Jerry was dead!_ - -He said he could get a better wife than me for thirty dollars a week. - -DORIS [_fascinated_]. Did he really? Where did he say he could get her? - -CHARLOTTE. That’s the sort of man _he_ is. - -DORIS. He’d never be rich if you _gave_ him the money. He hasn’t got any -_push_. I think a man’s got to have _push_, don’t you? I mean sort of -_uh_! [_She gives a little grunt to express indomitable energy, and -makes a sharp gesture with her hand._] I saw in the paper about a fella -that didn’t have any legs or arms forty years old that was a -millionaire. - -CHARLOTTE. Maybe if Jerry didn’t have any legs or arms he’d do better. -How did this fella make it? - -DORIS. I forget. Some scheme. He just thought of a scheme. That’s the -thing, you know--to think of some scheme. Some kind of cold cream or -hair--say, I wish somebody’d invent some kind of henna that nobody could -tell. Maybe Jerry could. - -CHARLOTTE. He hasn’t brains enough. - -DORIS. Say, I saw a wonderful dog to-day. - -CHARLOTTE. What kind of a dog? - -DORIS. It was out walking with Mrs. Richard Barton Hammond on Crest -Avenue. It was pink. - -CHARLOTTE. Pink! I never saw a pink dog. - -DORIS. Neither did I before. Gosh, it was cunning.... Well, I got to go. -My fiancé is coming over at quarter to nine and we’re going down to the -theatre. - -CHARLOTTE. Why don’t you bring him over some time? - -DORIS. All right. I’ll bring him over after the movies if you’ll be up. - - _They walk together to the door. Doris goes out and Charlotte has - scarcely shut the door behind her when the bell rings again. - Charlotte opens the door and then retreats half-way across the - room, with an alarmed expression on her face. A man has come in, - with a great gunny-sack slung over his shoulder. It is none other - than Mr. Snooks or Snukes, the bootlegger._ - - _I wish I could introduce you to the original from whom I have - taken Mr. Snooks. He is as villainous-looking a man as could be - found in a year’s search. He has a weak chin, a broken nose, a - squint eye, and a three days’ growth of beard. If you can imagine - a race-track sport who has fallen in a pool of mud you can get an - idea of his attire. His face and hands are incrusted with dirt. He - lacks one prominent tooth, lacks it with a vulgar and somehow awful - conspicuousness. His most ingratiating smile is a criminal leer, - his eyes shift here and there upon the carpet, as he speaks in a - villainous whine._ - -CHARLOTTE [_uneasily_]. What do you want? - - _Mr. Snooks leers and winks broadly, whereat Charlotte bumps back - against the bookcase._ - -SNOOKS [_hoarsely_]. Tell your husband Sandy Claus is here. - -CHARLOTTE [_calling nervously_]. Jerry, here’s somebody wants to see -you. He says he’s--he’s Santa Claus. - - _In comes Jerry. He sees the situation, but the appearance of the - b-o-o evidently shocks him, and a wave of uneasiness passes over - him. Nevertheless, he covers up these feelings with a magnificent - nonchalance._ - -JERRY. Oh, yes. How de do? How are you? Glad to see you. - -SNOOKS [_wiggling the bag, which gives out a loud, glassy clank_]. Hear -it talking to you, eh? - - _Charlotte looks from one to the other of them darkly._ - -JERRY. It’s all right, Charlit. I’ll tend to it. You go up-stairs. You -go upstairs and read that--there’s a story in the Saturday Evening Post -about a Chinese girl on the Buzzard Islands that---- - -CHARLOTTE. I know. Who isn’t a Chinese girl. Never mind that. I’ll stay -right here. - - _Jerry turns from her with the air of one who has done his - best--but now--well, she must take the consequences._ - -JERRY [_to Snooks_]. Is this Mr. Snukes? Or Snooks? - -SNOOKS. Snooks. Funny name, ain’t it? I made it up. I got it off a can -of tomatoes. I’m an Irish-Pole by rights. [_Meanwhile he has been -emptying the sack of its contents and setting them on the table. First -come two one-gallon jars, one full, the other empty. Then a square, -unopened one-gallon can. Finally three small bottles and a medicine -dropper._] - -CHARLOTTE [_in dawning horror_]. What’s that? A still? - -SNOOKS [_with a wink at Jerry_]. No, lady, this here’s a wine-press. - -JERRY. [_He’s attempting to conciliate her._] No, no, Charlit. Listen. -This gentleman here is going to make me some gin--very, very cheap. - -CHARLOTTE. Some gin! - -JERRY. Yes, for cocktails. - -CHARLOTTE. For whose cocktails? - -JERRY. For you and me. - -CHARLOTTE. Do you think _I’d_ take one of the poison things? - -JERRY [_to Snooks_]. They’re not poison, are they? - -SNOOKS. Poison! Say, lady, I’d be croaked off long ago if they was. I’d -be up wid de angels! This ain’t _wood_ alcohol. This is _grain_ alcohol. -[_He holds up the gallon can, on which is the following label_]: - -[Illustration: Skull and crossed-bones - -WOOD ALCOHOL! - -POISON!] - -CHARLOTTE [_indignantly_]. Why, it says wood alcohol right on the can! - -SNOOKS. Yes, but it ain’t. I just use a wood-alcohol can, so in case I -get caught. You’re allowed to sell wood alcohol, see? - -JERRY [_explaining to Charlotte_]. Just in case he gets caught--see? - -CHARLOTTE. I think the whole performance is perfectly terrible. - -JERRY. No, it isn’t. Mr. Snooks has sold this to some of the swellest -families in the city--haven’t you, Mr. Snooks? - -SNOOKS. Sure. You know old man Alec Martin? - -JERRY [_glancing at Charlotte, who is stony-eyed_]. Sure. Everybody -knows who _they_ are. - -SNOOKS. I sole ’em a gallon. And John B. Standish? I sole him five -gallons and he said it was the best stuff he ever tasted. - -JERRY [_to Charlotte_]. See--? The swellest people in town. - -SNOOKS. I’d a got here sooner, only I got double crossed to-day. - -JERRY. How? - -SNOOKS. A fella down-town sold me out to the rev’nue officers. I got -stuck for two thousand dollars and four cases Haig and Haig. - -JERRY. Gee, that’s too bad! - -SNOOKS. Aw, you never know who’s straight in this game. They’ll double -cross you in a minute. - -JERRY. Who sold you out? - -SNOOKS. A fella. What do you suppose he got for it? - -JERRY. What? - -SNOOKS. Ten dollars. What do you know about a fella that’d sell a guy -out for ten dollars? I just went right up to him and said: “Why, you -Ga----” - -JERRY [_nervously_]. Say, don’t tell us! - -SNOOKS. Well, I told him where he got off at, anyways. And then I -plastered him one. An’ the rev’nue officers jus’ stood there and -laughed. My brother ’n I are goin’ ’round an’ beat him up again tomorra. - -JERRY [_righteously_]. He certainly deserved it. - - _A pause._ - -SNOOKS [_after a moment’s brooding_]. Well, I’ll fix this up for you -now. - -CHARLOTTE [_stiffly_]. How much is it? - -SNOOKS. This? Sixteen a gallon. - -JERRY [_eagerly_]. See, that makes two gallons of the stuff, Charlotte, -and that’s eight quarts, and eight quarts of the stuff makes sixteen -quarts of cocktails. That’s enough to last us--oh, three years anyhow. -Just think how nice it’ll be if anybody comes in. Just say: “Like a -little cocktail?” “Sure.” “All right.” [_He makes a noise to express -orange squeezing._] Oranges! [_A noise to express the cracking of ice._] -Ice! [_A noise to express the sound of a shaker._] Shaker! [_He pours -the imaginary compound into three imaginary glasses. Then he drinks off -one of the imaginary glasses and pats his stomach._] - -CHARLOTTE [_contemptuously_]. Well, I think you’re a little crazy, if -you ask me. - -SNOOKS [_taking off his hat and coat_]. You got a big bowl? - -CHARLOTTE. No. Why didn’t you bring your own bowl? - -JERRY [_uncertainly_]. There’s a nice big bowl in the kitchen. - -CHARLOTTE. All right. Go on and spoil all the kitchen things. - -JERRY. I’ll wash it afterward. - -CHARLOTTE. Wash it? [_She laughs contemptuously, implying that washing -will do it no good then. Jerry, nevertheless, goes for the bowl. He -feels pretty guilty by this time, but he’s going through with it now, -even though he may never hear the last of it._] - -SNOOKS [_hollering after him_]. Get a corkscrew, too. [_He holds up the -tin can to Charlotte._] Grain alcohol. [_Charlotte’s lips curl in -answer. He holds up a small bottle._] Spirits of Jupiter. One drop of -this will smell up a whole house for a week. [_He holds up a second -bottle._] Oila Aniseed. Give it a flavor. Take the arsenic out. [_He -holds up a third bottle._] Oila Coreander. - -CHARLOTTE [_sardonically_]. Wouldn’t you like me to look in the -medicine-chest and see if there’s something there you could use? Maybe -you need some iodine. Or some of Dada’s ankle-strengthener. - - _Jerry comes in, laden._ - -JERRY. Here’s the bowl and the corkscrew. - -CHARLOTTE. You forgot the salt and pepper. - - _Amid great pounding the bootlegger breaks the corkscrew on the tin - can. His exertions send him into a fit of coughing._ - -You’ll have to stop coughing. You’ll wake the people next door. - -SNOOKS. You got a hairpin, lady? - -CHARLOTTE. No. - -SNOOKS. Or a scissors? - -CHARLOTTE. No. - -SNOOKS. Say, what kind of a house is this? [_He finally manages to open -the can._] - -SNOOKS. [_With some pride._] Grain alcohol. Costs me $6.00 a gallon. -[_To Charlotte._] Smell it. - - _She retreats from it hastily._ - -CHARLOTTE. I can smell _some_thing horrible. - -SNOOKS. That’s the spirits of Jupiter. I haven’t opened it yet. It rots -a cork in ten days. [_He fills the bowl with water from one jar._] - -JERRY [_anxiously_]. Hadn’t you better measure it? - -SNOOKS. I got my eye trained. - -CHARLOTTE. What’s that--arsenic? - -SNOOKS. Distilled water, lady. If you use regular water it gets cloudy. -You want it clear. [_He pours in alcohol from the can._] Got a spoon?... -Well, never mind. [_He rolls up his sleeve and undoubtedly intends to -plunge his whole arm into the mixture._] - -JERRY [_hastily_]. Here! Wait a minute. No use--no use getting your hand -wet. I’ll get you a spoon. [_He goes after it._] - -CHARLOTTE [_sarcastically_]. Get one of the best silver ones. - -SNOOKS. Naw. Any kind’ll do. - - _Jerry returns with one of the best silver spoons, which he hands - to Mr. Snooks._ - -CHARLOTTE. I might have known you would--you fool! - - _Mr. Snooks stirs the mixture--the spoon turns - rust-colored--Charlotte gives a little cry._ - -SNOOKS. It won’t hurt it, lady. Just leave it out in the sun for an -hour. Now the spirits of Jupiter. [_He fills the medicine dropper from a -small bottle and lets a slow, interminable procession of drops fall into -the bowl. Jerry watches intently and with gathering anxiety. At about -the fourteenth drop he starts every time one falls. Finally Mr. Snooks -ceases._] - -JERRY. How many did you count? - -SNOOKS. Sixteen. - -JERRY. I counted eighteen. - -SNOOKS. Well, a drop or so won’t make no difference. Now you got a -funnel? - -JERRY. I’ll get one. [_He goes for it._] - -SNOOKS. Good stuff, lady. This is as good as what you used to buy for -the real thing. - - _Charlotte does not deign to answer._ - -You needn’t worry about that spoon. If that spoon had a been the real -thing it w’na done like that. You can try out all your stuff that way. A -lot of stuff is sold for silver nowadays that ain’t at all. - - _Jerry returns with the funnel, and Mr. Snooks pours the contents - of the bowl into the two glass jars._ - -SNOOKS [_holding up one jar admiringly_]. The real thing. - -CHARLOTTE. It’s cloudy. - -SNOOKS [_reproachfully_]. Cloudy? You call that cloudy? That isn’t -cloudy. Why, it’s just as clear---- - - _He holds it up and pretends to look through it. This is - unquestionably a mere gesture, for the mixture is heavily opaque - and not to be pierced by the human eye._ - -CHARLOTTE [_disregarding him and turning scornfully to Jerry_]. I -wouldn’t drink it if it was the last liquor in the world. - -SNOOKS. Lady, if this was the last liquor in the world it wouldn’t be -for sale. - -JERRY [_doubtfully_]. It does look a little--cloudy. - -SNOOKS. No-o-o--! Why you can see right through it. [_He fills a glass -and drinks it off._] Why, it just needs to be filtered. That’s just -nervous matter. - -CHARLOTTE AND JERRY [_together_]. Nervous matter? - -JERRY. When did we put that in? - -SNOOKS. We didn’t put it in. It’s just a deposit. Sure, that’s just -nervous matter. Any chemis’ will tell you. - -CHARLOTTE [_sardonically_]. Ha-ha! “Nervous matter.” There’s no such -thing. - -SNOOKS. Sure! That’s just nervous matter. [_He fills the glass and hands -it to her._] Try it! - -CHARLOTTE. Ugh! - - _As he comes near she leans away from him in horror. Snooks offers - the glass to Jerry._ - -If you drink any of that stuff they’ll have to analyze you all over -again. - - _But Jerry drinks it._ - -CHARLOTTE. I can’t stand this. When your--when _he’s_ gone I’ll thank -you to open the windows. [_She goes out and up-stairs._] - -SNOOKS _[with a cynical laugh_]. Your old lady’s a little sore on you, -eh? - -JERRY [_bravely_]. No. She doesn’t care what I do. - -SNOOKS. You ought to give her a bat in the eye now and then. That’d fix -her. - -JERRY [_shocked_]. Oh, no; you oughtn’t to talk that way. - -SNOOKS. Well, if you like ’em to step around.... Sixteen bucks, please. - - _Jerry searches his pockets._ - -JERRY [_counting_].--thirteen--fourteen--let’s see. I can borrow the -ice-man’s money if I can find where--Just wait a minute, Mr. Snooks. - - _He goes out to the pantry. Almost immediately there are steps upon - the stairs, and in a moment Dada, resplendent in a flowing white - nightshirt, trembles into Mr. Snooks’s vision. For a moment Mr. - Snooks is startled._ - -DADA [_blinking_]. I thought I smelled something burning. - -SNOOKS. I ain’t smelled nothin’, pop. - -DADA. How do you do, sir. You’ll excuse my costume. I was awake and it -occurred to me that the house was on fire. I am Mr. Frost’s father. - -SNOOKS. I’m his bootlegger. - -DADA. The----? - -SNOOKS. His bootlegger. - -DADA [_enthusiastically_]. You’re my son’s employer? - - _They shake hands._ - -DADA. Excuse my costume. I was awake, and I thought I smelled something -burning. - -SNOOKS [_decisively_]. You’re kiddin’ yourself. - -DADA. Perhaps I was wrong. My sense of smell is not as exact as it was. -My son Jerry is a fine boy. He’s my only son by my second wife, Mr.--? -The----? [_He is evidently under the impression that Snooks has supplied -the name and that he has missed it._] I’m glad to meet his employer. I -always say I’m a descendant of Jack Frost. We used to have a joke when I -was young. We used to say that the first Frosts came to this state in -the beginning of winter. Ha-ha-ha! [_He is convinced that he is giving -Jerry a boost with his employer._] - -SNOOKS [_bored_]. Ain’t it past your bedtime, pop? - -DADA. Do you see? “Frosts” and “frosts.” We used to laugh at that joke a -great deal. - -SNOOKS. Anybody would. - -DADA. “Frosts,” you see. We’re not rich, but I always say that it’s -easier for a camel to get through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to -get to heaven. - -SNOOKS. That’s the way I always felt. - -DADA. Well, I think I’ll turn in. My sense of smell deceived me. No harm -done. [_He laughs._] Good night, Mr.----? - -SNOOKS [_humorously_]. Good night, pop. Sleep tight. Don’t let the -bedbugs bite. - -DADA [_starting away_]. I hope you’ll excuse my costume. [_He goes -up-stairs. Jerry returns from the pantry just in time to hear his -voice._] - -JERRY. Who was that? Dada? - -SNOOKS. He thought he was on fire. - -JERRY [_unaware of the nightshirt_]. That’s my father. He’s a great -authority on--oh, on the Bible and a whole lot of other things. He’s -been doing nothing for twenty years but thinking out a lot of -things--here’s the money. [_Jerry gives him sixteen bucks._] - -SNOOKS. Thanks. Well, I guess you’re all fixed. Drink a couple of these -and then you’ll know what to say to your wife when she gets fresh. - -CHARLOTTE [_from up-stairs_]. Shut the door! I can smell that way up -here! - - _Jerry hastily shuts the door leading up-stairs._ - -SNOOKS. Like any whiskey? - -JERRY. I don’t believe so. - -SNOOKS. Or some cream de menthy? - -JERRY. No, I don’t believe so. - -SNOOKS. How about some French vermuth? - -JERRY. I don’t think I’ll take anything else now. - -SNOOKS. Just try a drink of this. - -JERRY. I did. - -SNOOKS. Try another. - - _Jerry tries another._ - -JERRY. Not bad. Strong. - -SNOOKS. Sure it’s strong. Knock you over. Hard to get now. They gyp you -every time. The country’s goin’ to the dogs. Most of these bootleggers, -you can’t trust ’em two feet away. It’s awful. They don’t seem to have -no conscience. - -JERRY [_warming_]. Have you ever been analyzed, Mr. Snooks? - -SNOOKS. Me? No, I never been arrested by the regular police. - -JERRY. I mean when they ask you questions. - -SNOOKS. Sure, I know. Thumb-prints--all that stuff. - - _Jerry takes another drink._ - -JERRY. You ought to want to rise in the world. - -SNOOKS. How do you know I oughta. - -JERRY. Why--why, everybody ought to. It says so. - -SNOOKS. What says so. - -JERRY [_with a burst of inspiration_]. The Bible. It’s one of the -commandments. - -SNOOKS. I never could get through that book. - -JERRY. Won’t you sit down? - -SNOOKS. No, I got to hustle along in a minute. - -JERRY. Say, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? - -SNOOKS. Not at all. Shoot! - -JERRY. Did you ever--did you ever have any ambition to be President? - -SNOOKS. Sure. Once. - -JERRY [_ponderously_]. You did, eh? - -SNOOKS. Once. I guess bootleggin’s just as good, though. More money in -it. - -JERRY [_weightily_]. Yes, that’s true. - -SNOOKS. Well, I got to hustle along now. I got to take my old woman to -church. - -JERRY. Oh. Yes. - -SNOOKS. Well, so long. You got my address in case you go dry. - - _They both smile genially at this pleasantry._ - -JERRY [_opening the door_]. All right. I’ll remember. - - _Snooks goes out. Jerry hesitates--then he opens the door to the - up-stairs._ - -JERRY. Oh, Char-lit! - -CHARLOTTE [_crossly_]. Please keep that door shut. That smell comes -right up here. It’ll start my hayfever. - -JERRY [_genially_]. Well, I just wanted to ask you if you’ll take one -little cocktail with me. - -CHARLOTTE. _No!_ How many times do I have to tell you? - -JERRY [_crestfallen_]. Well, you don’t need to be so disagreeable about -it. - - _He receives no answer. He would like to talk some more, but he - shuts the door and returns to the table. Picking up one of the - jars, he regards its opaqueness with a quizzical eye. But it is his - and quite evidently it seems to him good. He looks curiously at the - three little bottles, smells one of them curiously and hastily - replaces the cork. He hesitates. Then he repairs to the - dining-room, singing: “Everybody is there!”--and returns - immediately with an orange, a knife, and another glass. He cuts the - orange, squeezes half of it into a glass, wipes his hands on the - fringe of the tablecloth, and adds some of his liquor. He drinks - it slowly--he waits. He prepares another potation with the other - half of the orange._ - - _No! He does not choke, make horrible faces, nor feel his throat as - it goes down. Nor does he stagger. His elation is evinced only by - the vague confusion with which he mislays knife, oranges, and - glasses._ - - _Impelled by the gregarious instinct of mankind, he again repairs - to the door that leads up-stairs, and opens it._ - -JERRY [_calling_]. Say, Char-_lit_! The convention must be over. I -wonder who was nominated. - -CHARLOTTE. I asked you to shut that door. - - _But the impulse to express himself, to fuse his new elation into - the common good, is irresistible. He goes to the telephone and - picks up the receiver._ - -JERRY. Hello.... Hello, hello. Say! I wonder’f you could tell me who was -nominated for President.... All right, give me Information.... -Information, I wonder if you could tell me who was nominated for -President.... Why not?... Well, that’s information, isn’t it?... It -doesn’t matter what _kind_ of information it is. It’s information, isn’t -it? Isn’t it? It’s information, isn’t it?... Say, what’s your hurry? -[_He bobs the receiver up and down._] Hello, give me Long Distance -again.... Hello, is this Information?... This is _mis_information, eh? -Ha-ha! Did you hear that? _Mis_information.... I asked for -Information.... Well, you’ll do, Long Distance.... Long Distance--how -far away are you? A long distance! Ha-ha!... Hello.... Hello! - - _She has evidently rung off. Jerry does likewise._ - -JERRY [_sarcastically_]. Wonderful telephone service! [_He goes quickly -back to the ’phone and picks up the receiver._] Rottenest telephone -service I ever saw! [_He slams up and returns to his drink._] - - _There is a call outside, “Yoo-hoo!” and immediately afterward - Doris opens the front door and comes in, followed by Joseph Fish, a - red-headed, insipid young man of about twenty-four. Fish is dressed - in a ready-made suit with a high belt at the back, and his pockets - slant at a rakish angle. He is the product of a small-town - high-school and a one-year business course at a state university._ - - _Doris has him firmly by the arm. She leads him up to Jerry, who - sets down his glass and blinks at them._ - -DORIS. Gosh! This room smells like a brewery. [_She notices the jars and -the other débris of Jerry’s domestic orgy._] What on earth have you been -doing? Brewing whiskey? - -JERRY [_attempting a dignified nonchalance_]. Making cocktails. - -DORIS [_with a long whistle_]. What does Charlotte say? - -JERRY [_with dignity_]. Charlit is up-stairs. - -DORIS. Well, I want you to meet my fiancé, Mr. Fish. Mr. Fish, this is -my brother-in-law, Mr. Frost. - -JERRY. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Fish. - -FISH. How de do. [_He laughs politely._] - -JERRY [_horribly_]. Is this the undertaker? - -DORIS [_tartly_]. You must be tight. - -JERRY [_to Fish_]. Have a little drink? - -DORIS. He doesn’t use it. - -FISH. Thanks. I don’t use it. [_Again he laughs politely._] - -JERRY [_with a very roguish expression_]. Do you know Ida? - -FISH. Ida who? - -JERRY. Idaho. [_He laughs uproariously at his own wit._] That’s a joke I -heard to-day. I thought I’d tell it to you because you’re from Idaho. - -FISH [_resentfully_]. Gosh, that’s a rotten joke. - -JERRY [_high-hatting him_]. Well, Idaho’s a rotten state. I wouldn’t -come from that State. - -DORIS [_icily_]. Maybe they’d feel the same way about you. I’m going up -and see Charlotte. I wish you’d entertain Mr. Fish politely for a -minute. - - _Doris goes up-stairs. The two men sit down. Fish is somewhat - embarrassed._ - -JERRY [_with a wink_]. Now she’s gone, better have a little drink. - -FISH. No, thanks. I don’t use it any more. I used to use it a good deal -out in Idaho, and then I quit. - - _A faint, almost imperceptible noise, as of a crowd far away, - begins outside. Neither of the men seems to notice it, however._ - -JERRY. Get good liquor up there? - -FISH. Well, around the shop we used to drink embalming fluid, but it got -so it didn’t agree with me. - -JERRY [_focussing his eyes upon Fish, with some difficulty_]. I -shouldn’t think it would. - -FISH. It’s all right for some fellas, but it doesn’t agree with me at -all. - -JERRY [_suddenly_]. How old are you? - -FISH. Me? Twenty-five. - -JERRY. Did you ever--did you ever have any ambition to be President? - -FISH. President? - -JERRY. Yes. - -FISH. Of a company? - -JERRY. No. Of the United States. - -FISH [_scornfully_]. No-o-o-o! - -JERRY [_almost pleadingly_]. Never did, eh? - -FISH. Never. - -JERRY. Tha’s funny. Did you ever want to be a postman? - -FISH [_scornfully_]. No-o-o-o!... The thing to be is to be a senator. - -JERRY. Is that so? - -FISH. Sure. I’m goin’ to be one. Say! There’s where you get the _real_ -graft. - - _Jerry’s eyes close sleepily and then start open._ - -JERRY [_attentively_]. Do you hear a noise? - -FISH [_after listening for a moment_]. I don’t hear a sound. - -JERRY [_puzzled_]. That’s funny. I hear a noise. - -FISH [_scornfully_]. I guess you’re seeing things. - - _Another pause._ - -JERRY. And you say you never wanted to be President? - -FISH. Na-ah! - - _The noise outside has now increased, come nearer, swollen to the - dimensions of a roar. Presently it is almost under the windows. - Fish apparently does not hear it, but Jerry knits his hairless - brows and rises to his feet. He goes to the window and throws it - open. A mighty cheer goes up and there is the beating of a bass - drum._ - -JERRY. Good gosh! - - _Cli-in-ng! Cli-in-ng! Cli-in-ng! The door-bell! Then the door - swings open, and a dozen men rush into the room. In the lead is Mr. - Jones, a politician._ - -MR. JONES [_approaching Jerry_]. Is this Mr. Jeremiah Frost? - -JERRY [_with signs of fright_]. Yes. - -MR. JONES. I’m Mr. Jones, the well-known politician. I am delegated to -inform you that on the first ballot you were unanimously given the -Republican nomination for President. - - _Wild cheers from inside and out, and renewed beating of the bass - drum. Jerry shakes Mr. Jones’s hand, but Fish, sitting in silence, - takes no heed of the proceeding--apparently does not see or hear - what is going on._ - -JERRY [_to Mr. Jones_]. My golly! I thought you were a revenue officer. - - _Amid a still louder burst of cheering Jerry is elevated to the - shoulders of the crowd, and borne enthusiastically out the door as_ - - -THE CURTAIN FALLS - - - - -ACT II - - - _Any one who felt that the first Act was perhaps a little vulgar, - will be glad to learn that we’re now on the lawn of the White - House. Indeed, a corner of the Executive Mansion projects - magnificently into sight, and steps lead up to the imposing - swinging doors of a “Family Entrance.” From the window of the - President’s office a flag flutters, and the awning displays this - legend_: - - THE WHITE HOUSE - - JERRY FROST, PRES. - - _And if you look hard enough at the office window you can see the - President himself sitting at his desk inside._ - - _The lawn, bounded by a white brick wall, is no less attractive. - Not only are there white vines and flowers, a beautiful white tree, - and a white table and chairs, but, also, a large sign over the - gate, which bears the President’s name pricked out in electric - bulbs._ - - _Two white kittens are strolling along the wall, enjoying the - ten-o’clock sunshine. A blond parrot swings in a cage over the - table, and one of the chairs is at present occupied by a white - fox-terrier puppy about the size of your hand._ - - _That’s right. “Isn’t it darling!” We’ll let you watch it for a - moment before we move into the Whirl of Public Affairs._ - - _Look! Here comes somebody out. It’s Mr. Jones, the well-known - politician, now secretary to President Frost. He has a white broom - in his hands, and, after delighting the puppy with an absolutely - white bone, he begins to sweep off the White House steps. At this - point the gate swings open and Charlotte Frost comes in. As befits - the first Lady of the Land, she is elaborately dressed--in the - height of many fashions. She’s evidently been shopping--her arms - are full of packages--but she has nevertheless seen fit to array - herself in a gorgeous evening dress, with an interminable train. - From her wide picture hat a plume dangles almost to the ground._ - - _Mr. Jones politely relieves her of her bundles._ - -CHARLOTTE [_abruptly_]. Good morning, Mr. Jones. Has everything gone to -pieces? - - _Mr. Jones looks her over in some surprise._ - -JONES [_apologetically_]. Well, perhaps the petticoat---- - -CHARLOTTE [_a little stiffly_]. I didn’t mention myself, I don’t think, -Mr. Jones. I meant all my husband’s public affairs. - -JONES. He’s been in his office all morning, Mrs. Frost. There are a lot -of people waiting to see him. - -CHARLOTTE. [_She’s relieved._] I heard them calling an extra, and I -thought maybe everything had gone to pieces. - -JONES. No, Mrs. Frost, the President hasn’t made any bad mistake for -some time now. Of course, a lot of people objected when he appointed his -father Secretary of the Treasury; his father’s being so old---- - -CHARLOTTE. Well, I’ve had to stand for his family all my life--so I -guess the country can. [_Confidentially._] - -JONES [_a little embarrassed_]. I see you’ve been shopping. - -CHARLOTTE. I’ve been buying some things for my sister’s wedding -reception this afternoon. - - _The window of President Frost’s office opens abruptly. A white - cigar emerges--followed by Jerry’s hairless eyebrows--passionately - knit._ - -JERRY. All right. Go on and yell--and then when I make some awful -mistake and the country goes to pieces, blame it on me! - -CHARLOTTE [_very patiently_]. Nagging me again. Picking on me. -Pick--pick--pick! All day! - -JERRY. Gosh, you can be disagreeable, Charlit! - -CHARLOTTE. Pick--pick--pick! - -JERRY [_confused_]. Pick? - -CHARLOTTE [_sharply_]. Pick! - - _Jerry jams down his window._ - - _Meanwhile from the window above has emerged a hand holding a - mirror. The hand is presently followed by a head with the hair - slicked back damply. Doris, sister-in-law to the President, is - seeking more light for her afternoon toilet._ - -DORIS [_disapprovingly_]. I can hear you two washing your clothes in -public all over the lawn. - -CHARLOTTE. He keeps nagging at me. - - _Doris begins to apply a white lotion to her face. She daubs it at - a freckle on her nose, and gazes passionately at the resultant - white splotch._ - -DORIS [_abstractedly_]. I should think you’d get so you could stand him -in public, anyways. - -CHARLOTTE. He makes me madder in public than anywhere else. - - _She gathers her bundles and goes angrily into the White House. - Doris glances down at Mr. Jones, and, deciding hastily that she is - too publicly placid, withdraws her person from sight._ - - _Jones picks up his broom and is about to go inside when a - uniformed chauffeur opens the gate and announces:_ - -“The Honorable Joseph Fish, Senator from Idaho.” - - _And now here’s Joseph Fish, in an enormous frock-coat and a tall - silk hat, radiating an air of appalling prosperity._ - -FISH. Good morning, Mr. Jones. Is my fiancée around? - -JONES. I believe she’s in her boudoir, Senator Fish. How is everything -down at the capital? - -FISH [_gloomily_]. Awful! I’m in a terrible position, Mr. Jones--and -this was to have been my wedding reception day. Listen to this. [_He -takes a telegram from his pocket._] “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D. -C. Present the State of Idaho’s compliments to President Frost and tell -him that the people of Idaho demand his immediate resignation.” - -JONES. This is terrible! - -FISH. It’s because he made his father Secretary of the Treasury. - -JONES. This will be depressing news to the President. - -FISH. But think of _me_! This was to have been my wedding reception -day. What will Doris say when she hears about this. I’ve got to ask her -own brother-in-law to--to move out of his home? - -JONES. Have a cocktail. - - _He takes a shaker and glasses from behind a porch pillar and pours - out two drinks._ - -JONES. I saw this coming. But I’ll tell you now, Senator Fish, the -President won’t resign. - -FISH. Then it’ll be my duty to have him impeached. - -JONES. Shall I call the President now? - -FISH. Let’s wait until eleven o’clock. Give me one more hour of -happiness. [_He raises his eyes pathetically to the upper window._] -Doris--oh Doris! - - _Doris, now fully dressed and under the influence of cosmetics, - comes out onto the lawn. Mr. Jones, picking up the broom and the - puppy, goes into the White House._ - -FISH [_jealously_]. Where were you all day yesterday? - -DORIS [_languidly_]. An old beau of mine came to see me and kept hanging -around. - -FISH [_in wild alarm_]. Good God! What’d he say? - -DORIS. He said I was stuck up because my brother-in-law was President, -and I said: “Well, what if I am? I’d hate to say what your -brother-in-law is.” - -FISH [_fascinated_]. What is he? - -DORIS. He owns a garbage disposal service. - -FISH [_even more fascinated_]. Is that right? Can you notice it on his -brother-in-law? - -DORIS. Something awful. I wouldn’t of let him come in the house. Imagine -if somebody came in to see you and said: “Sniff. Sniff. Who’s been -sitting on these chairs?” And you said: “Oh, just my brother-in-law, the -garbage disposal man.” - -FISH. Doris--Doris, an awful thing has occurred---- - -DORIS [_looking out the gate_]. Here comes Dada. Say, he must be going -on to between eighty and ninety years old, if not older. - -FISH [_gloomily_]. Why did your brother-in-law have to go and make him -Secretary of the Treasury? He might as well have gone to an old men’s -home and said: “See here, I want to get eight old dumb-bells for my -cabinet.” - -DORIS. Oh, Jerry does everything all wrong. You see, he thought his -father had read a lot of books--the Bible and the Encyclopædia and the -Dictionary and all. - - _In totters Dada. Prosperity has spruced him up, but not to any - alarming extent. The hair on his face is not under cultivation. His - small, watery eyes gleam dully in their ragged ovals. His mouth - laps faintly at all times, like a lake with tides mildly agitated - by the moon._ - -FISH. Good morning, Mr. Frost. - -DADA [_dimly_]. Hm. - - _He is under the impression that he has made an adequate response._ - -DORIS [_tolerantly_]. Dada, kindly meet my fiancé--Senator Fish from -Idaho. - -DADA [_expansively_]. Young man, how do you do? I feel very well. You -wouldn’t think I was eighty-eight years old, would you? - -FISH [_politely_]. I should say not. - -DORIS. You’d think he was two hundred. - -DADA [_who missed this_]. Yeah. [_A long pause._] We used to have a joke -when I was young--we used to say the first Frosts came to this country -in the beginning of winter. - -DORIS. Funny as a crutch. - -DADA [_to Fish_]. Do you ever read the Scriptures? - -FISH. Sometimes. - -DADA. I’m the Secretary of the Treasury, you know. My son made me the -Secretary of the Treasury. He’s the President. He was my only boy by my -second wife. - -DORIS. The old dumb-bell! - -DADA. I was born in 1834, under the presidency of Andrew Jackson. I was -twenty-seven years old when the war broke out. - -DORIS [_sarcastically_]. Do you mean the Revolutionary War? - -DADA [_witheringly_]. The Revolutionary War was in 1776. - -DORIS. Tell me something I don’t know. - -DADA. When you grow older you’ll find there are a lot of things you -don’t know. [_To Fish._] Do you know my son Jerry? - -DORIS [_utterly disgusted_]. Oh, gosh! - -FISH. I met your son before he was elected President and I’ve seen him a -lot of times since then, on account of being Senator from Idaho and all, -and on account of Doris. You see, we’re going to have our wedding -reception this afternoon---- - - _In the middle of this speech Dada’s mind has begun to wander. He - utters a vague “Hm!” and moves off, paying no further attention, - and passing through the swinging doors into the White House._ - -FISH [_impressed in spite of himself by Dada’s great age_]. He’s -probably had a lot of experience, that old bird. He was alive before you -were born. - -DORIS. So were a lot of other old nuts. Come on--let’s go hire the music -for our wedding reception. - -FISH [_remembering something with a start_]. Doris--Doris, would you -have a wedding reception with me if you knew--if you knew the -disagreeable duty---- - -DORIS. Knew what? - -FISH. Nothing. I’m going to be happy, anyways [_he looks at his -watch_]--for almost an hour. - - _They go out through the garden gate._ - - _And now President Jerry Frost himself is seen to leave his window - and in a minute he emerges from the Executive Mansion. He wears a - loose-fitting white flannel frock coat, and a tall white stovepipe - hat. His heavy gold watch-chain would anchor a small yacht, and he - carries a white stick, ringed with a gold band._ - - _After rubbing his back sensuously against a porch pillar, he walks - with caution across the lawn and his hand is on the gate-latch when - he is hailed from the porch by Mr. Jones._ - -JONES. Mr. President, where are you going? - -JERRY [_uneasily_]. I thought I’d go down and get a cigar. - -JONES [_cynically_]. It doesn’t look well for you to play dice for -cigars, sir. - - _Jerry sits down wearily and puts his hat on the table._ - -JONES. I’m sorry to say there’s trouble in the air, Mr. President. It’s -what we might refer to as the Idaho matter. - -JERRY. The Idaho matter? - -JONES. Senator Fish has received orders from Idaho to demand your -resignation at eleven o’clock this morning. - -JERRY. I never liked that bunch of people they got out there in Idaho. - -JONES. Well, I just thought I’d tell you--so you could think about it. - -JERRY [_hopefully_]. Maybe I’ll get some idea how to fix it up. I’m a -very resourceful man. I always think of something. - -JONES. Mr. President, would you--would you mind telling me how you got -your start? - -JERRY [_carelessly_]. Oh, I got analyzed one day, and they just found I -was sort of a good man and would just be wasting my time as a railroad -clerk. - -JONES. So you forged ahead? - -JERRY. Sure. I just made up my mind to be President, and then I went -ahead and did it. I’ve always been a very ambitious sort of--sort of -domineerer. - - _Jones sighs and takes several letters from his pocket._ - -JONES. The morning mail. - -JERRY [_looking at the first letter_]. This one’s an ad, I’ll bet. [_He -opens it._] “Expert mechanics, chauffeurs, plumbers earn big money. We -fit you in twelve lessons.” [_He looks up._] I wonder if there’s -anything personal in that. If there is it’s a low sort of joke. - -JONES [_soothingly_]. Oh, I don’t think there is. - -JERRY [_offended_]. Anybody that’d play a joke like that on a person -that has all the responsibility of being President, and then to have -somebody play a low, mean joke on him like that! - -JONES. I’ll write them a disagreeable letter. - -JERRY. All right. But make it sort of careless, as if it didn’t matter -to me. - -JONES. I can begin the letter “Damn Sirs” instead of “Dear Sirs.” - -JERRY. Sure, that’s the idea. And put something like that in the ending, -too. - -JONES. “Yours insincerely,” or something like that.... Now there’s a few -people waiting in here to see you, sir. [_He takes out a list._] First, -there’s somebody that’s been ordered to be hung. - -JERRY. What about him? - -JONES. I think he wants to arrange it some way so he won’t be hung. Then -there’s a man that’s got a scheme for changing everybody in the United -States green. - -JERRY [_puzzled_]. Green? - -JONES. That’s what he says. - -JERRY. Why green? - -JONES. He didn’t say. I told him not to wait. And there’s the Ambassador -from Abyssinia. He says that one of our sailors on leave in Abyssinia -threw the king’s cousin down a flight of thirty-nine steps. - -JERRY [_after a pause_]. What do you think I ought to do about that? - -JONES. Well, I think you ought to--well, send flowers or something, to -sort of recognize that the thing had happened. - -JERRY [_somewhat awed_]. Is the king’s cousin sore? - -JONES. Well, naturally he---- - -JERRY. I don’t mean sore that way. I mean did he--did he take it hard? -Did he think there was any ill feeling from the United States Government -in the sailor’s--action? - -JONES. Why, I suppose you might say yes. - -JERRY. Well, you tell him that the sailor had no instructions to do any -such thing. Demand the sailor’s resignation. - -JONES. And Major-General Pushing has been waiting to see you for some -time. Shall I tell him to come out here? - -JERRY. All right. - - _Jones goes into the White House and returns, announcing: - “Major-General Pushing, U. S. A.”_ - - _Out marches General Pushing. He is accompanied at three paces by a - fifer and drummer, who play a spirited march. When the General - reaches the President’s table the trio halt, the fife and drum - cease playing, and the General salutes._ - - _The General is a small fat man with a fierce gray mustache. His - chest and back are fairly obliterated with medals, and he is - wearing one of those great shakos peculiar to drum-majors._ - -JERRY. Good morning, General Pushing. Did they keep you waiting? - -GENERAL PUSHING [_fiercely_]. That’s all right. We’ve been marking -time--it’s good for some of the muscles. - -JERRY. How’s the army? - -GENERAL PUSHING. Very well, Mr. President. Several of the privates have -complained of headaches. [_He clears his throat portentously._] I’ve -called on you to say I’m afraid we’ve got to have war. I held a -conference last night with two others of our best generals. We discussed -the matter thoroughly, and then we took a vote. Three to nothing in -favor of war. - -JERRY [_alarmed_]. Look at here, General Pushing, I’ve got a lot of -things on my hands now, and the last thing I want to have is a war. - -GENERAL PUSHING. I knew things weren’t going very well with you, Mr. -President. In fact, I’ve always thought that what this country needs is -a military man at the head of it. The people are restless and excited. -The best thing to keep their minds occupied is a good war. It will leave -the country weak and shaken--but docile, Mr. President, docile. -Besides--we voted on it, and there you are. - -JERRY. Who is it against? - -GENERAL PUSHING. That we have not decided. We’re going to take up the -details to-night. It depends on--just how much money there is in the -Treasury. Would you mind calling up your--_father_-- [_the General gives -this word an ironic accentuation_]--and finding out? - - _Jerry takes up the white telephone from the table. Jones meanwhile - has produced the shaker and glasses. He pours a cocktail for every - one--even for the fifer and drummer._ - -JERRY [_at the ’phone_]. Connect me with the Treasury Department, -please.... Is this the Treasury?... This is President Frost.... Oh, I’m -very well, thanks. No, it’s better. Much better. The dentist says he -doesn’t think I’ll have to have it out now.... Say, what I called you -up about is to find how much money there is in the Treasury.... Oh, I -see.... Oh, I see. Thanks. [_He hangs up the receiver._] - -JERRY [_worried_]. General Pushing, things seem to be a little confused -over at the Treasury. Dada--the Secretary of the Treasury isn’t there -right now--and they say nobody else knows much about it. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_disapprovingly_]. Hm! I could put you on a nice war -pretty cheap. I could manage a battle or so for almost nothing. [_With -rising impatience._] But a good President ought to be able to tell just -how much we could afford. - -JERRY [_chastened_]. I’ll find out from Dada. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_meaningly_]. Being President is a sacred trust, you -know, Mr. Frost. - -JERRY. Well, I know it’s a sacred trust, don’t I? - -GENERAL PUSHING [_sternly_]. Are you proud of it? - -JERRY [_utterly crestfallen_]. Of course, I’m proud of it. Don’t I look -proud? I’m proud as a pecan. [_Resentfully._] What do you know about it, -anyways? You’re nothing but a common soldier--I mean a common general. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_pityingly_]. I came here to help you, Mr. Frost. -[_With warning emphasis._] Perhaps you are aware that the sovereign -State of Idaho is about to ask your resignation. - -JERRY [_now thoroughly resentful_]. Look at here, suppose you be the -President for a while, if you know so much about it. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_complacently_]. I’ve often thought that what this -country needs is a military man at the head of it. - -JERRY. All right, then, you just take off that hat and coat! - - _Jerry takes off his own coat. Jones rushes forward in alarm._ - -JONES. If there’s going to be a fight hadn’t we all better go into the -billiard-room? - -JERRY [_insistently to General Pushing_]. Take off that hat and coat! - -GENERAL PUSHING [_aghast_]. But, Mr. President---- - -JERRY. Listen here--if I’m the President you do what I say. - - _General Pushing obediently removes his sword and takes off his hat - and coat. He assumes a crouching posture and, putting up his fists, - begins to dance menacingly around Jerry._ - - _But, instead of squaring off, Jerry gets quickly into the - General’s hat and coat and buckles on the sword._ - -JERRY. All right, since you know so much about being President, you put -on my hat and coat and try it for a while. - - _The General, greatly taken aback, looks from Jerry to Jerry’s - coat, with startled eyes. Jerry swaggers up and down the lawn, - brandishing the sword. Then his eyes fall with distaste upon the - General’s shirtsleeves._ - -JERRY. Well, what are you moping around for? - -GENERAL PUSHING [_plaintively_]. Come on, Mr. President, be reasonable. -Give me that coat and hat. Nobody appreciates a good joke any more than -I do, but---- - -JERRY [_emphatically_]. No, I _won’t_ give them to you. I’m a general, -and I’m going to war. You can stay around here. [_Sarcastically, to Mr. -Jones._] He’ll straighten everything out, Mr. Jones. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_pleadingly_]. Mr. President, I’ve waited for this war -for forty years. You wouldn’t take away my coat and hat like that, just -as we’ve got it almost ready. - -JERRY [_pointing to the shirtsleeves_]. That’s a nice costume to be -hanging around the White House in. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_brokenly_]. I can’t help it, can I? Who took my coat -and hat, anyhow? - -JERRY. If you don’t like it you can get out. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_sarcastically_]. Yes. Nice lot of talk it’d cause if I -went back to the War Department looking like this. “Where’s your hat and -coat, General?” “Oh, I just thought I’d come down in my suspenders this -morning.” - -JERRY. You can have my coat--and my troubles. - - _Charlotte comes suddenly out of the White House, and they turn - startled eyes upon her, like two guilty schoolboys._ - -CHARLOTTE [_staring_]. What’s the matter? Has everything gone to pieces? - -GENERAL PUSHING [_on the verge of tears_]. He took my coat and hat. - -CHARLOTTE [_pointing to the General_]. Who is that man? - -GENERAL PUSHING [_in a dismal whine_]. I’m Major-General Pushing, I am. - -CHARLOTTE. I don’t believe it. - -JERRY [_uneasily_]. Yes, he is, Charlit. I was just kidding him. - -CHARLOTTE [_understanding immediately_]. Oh, you’ve been _nag_ging -people again. - -JERRY [_beginning to unbutton the coat_]. The General was nagging me, -Charlit. I’ve just been teaching him a lesson--haven’t I, General? - - _He struggles out of the General’s coat and into his own. The - General, grunting his relief and disgust, re-attires himself in the - military garment._ - -JERRY [_losing confidence under Charlotte’s stare_]. Honest, -everything’s getting on my nerves. First it’s some correspondence school -getting funny, and then _he_ [_indicating the General_] comes around, -and then all the people out in Idaho---- - -CHARLOTTE [_with brows high_]. Well, if you want to know what _I_ think, -_I_ think everything’s going to pieces. - -JERRY. No, it isn’t, Charlit. I’m going to fix everything. I’ve got a -firm grip on everything. Haven’t I, Mr. Jones? I’m just nervous, that’s -all. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_now completely buttoned up, physically and mentally_]. -In my opinion, sir, you’re a very dangerous man. I have served under -eight Presidents, but I have never before lost my coat and hat. I bid -you good morning, Mr. President. You’ll hear from me later. - - _At his salute the fife and drum commence to play. The trio execute - about face, and the escort, at three paces, follows the General out - the gate._ - - _Jerry stares uneasily after them._ - -JERRY. Everybody’s always saying that I’m going to hear from ’em later. -They want to kick me out of this job--that’s what they want. They think -I don’t know. - -JONES. The people elected you, Mr. President. And the people want -you--all except the ones out in Idaho. - -CHARLOTTE [_anxiously_]. Couldn’t you be on the safe side and have -yourself reduced to Vice-President, or something? - -A NEWSBOY [_outside_]. Extra! Extra! Idaho says: “Resign or be -Impeached.” - -JERRY. Was that newsboy yelling something about me? - -CHARLOTTE [_witheringly_]. He never so much as mentioned you. - - _In response to Mr. Jones’s whistle a full-grown newsboy comes in - at the gate. He hands Jerry a paper and is given a bill._ - -JERRY [_carelessly_]. Keep the change. It’s all right. I’ve got a big -salary. - -THE NEWSBOY [_pointing to Jerry’s frock coat_]. I almost had one of them -dress suits once. - -JERRY [_not without satisfaction_]. I got six of them. - -THE NEWSBOY. I hadda get one so I could take a high degree in the Ku -Klux. But I didn’t get one. - -JERRY [_absorbed in the paper_]. I got six of ’em. - -THE NEWSBOY. I ain’t got none. Well, much obliged. So long. - - _The newsboy goes out._ - -JONES [_reading over Jerry’s shoulder_]. It says: “Idaho flays Treasury -choice.” - -CHARLOTTE [_wide-eyed_]. Does that mean they’re going to flay Dada? - -JONES [_looking at his watch_]. Senator Fish will be here at any moment -now. - -CHARLOTTE. Well, all I know is that I’d show some spunk and not let them -kick _me_ out, even if I _was_ the worst President they ever had. - -JERRY. Listen, Charlit, you needn’t remind me of it every minute. - -CHARLOTTE. I didn’t remind you of it. I just mentioned it in an ordinary -tone of voice. - - _She goes into the White House. Senator Joseph Fish comes in - hesitantly through the gate._ - -JERRY [_to Jones_]. Here comes the State of Idaho. - -FISH [_timorously_]. Good morning, Mr. President. How are you? - -JERRY. Oh, I’m all right. - -FISH [_hurriedly producing the telegram and mumbling his words_]. Got a -little matter here, disagreeable duty. Want to get through as quickly as -possible. “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D. C. Present the State of -Idaho’s compliments to President Frost, and tell him that the people of -Idaho demand his immediate resignation.” [_He folds up the telegram and -puts it in his pocket._] Well, Mr. President, I guess I got to be going. -[_He moves toward the gate and then hesitates._] This was to have been -my wedding-reception day. Of course, Doris will never marry me now. It’s -a very depressing thing to me, President Frost. [_With his hand on the -gate latch._] I suppose you want me to tell ’em you won’t resign, don’t -you? - -JONES. We won’t resign. - -FISH. Well, then it’s only right to tell you that Judge Fossile of the -Supreme Court will bring a motion of impeachment at three o’clock this -afternoon. - - _He turns melancholy eyes on Doris’s window. He kisses his hand - toward it in a tragic gesture of farewell. Then he goes out._ - - _Jerry looks at Mr. Jones as though demanding encouragement._ - -JERRY. They don’t know the man they’re up against, do they, Mr. Jones? - -JONES. They certainly do not. - -JERRY [_lying desperately and not even convincing himself_]. I’ve got -resources they don’t know about. - -JONES. If you’ll pardon a suggestion, I think the best move you could -make, Mr. President, would be to demand your father’s resignation -immediately. - -JERRY [_incredulously_]. Put Dada out? Why, he used to work in a bank -when he was young, and he knows all about the different amounts of -money. - - _A pause._ - -JERRY [_uncertainly_]. Do you think I’m the worst President they ever -had? - -JONES [_considering_]. Well, no, there was that one they impeached. - -JERRY [_consoling himself_]. And then there was that other fellow--I -forget his name. He was _ter_rible. [_Another disconsolate pause._] I -suppose I might as well go down and get a cigar. - -JONES. There’s just one more man out here to see you and he says he came -to do you a favor. His name is--the Honorable Snooks, or Snukes, -Ambassador from Irish Poland. - -JERRY. What country’s that? - -JONES. Irish Poland’s one of the new European countries. They took a -sort of job lot of territories that nobody could use and made a country -out of them. It’s got three or four acres of Russia and a couple of -mines in Austria and a few lots in Bulgaria and Turkey. - -JERRY. Show them all out here. - -JONES. There’s only one. [_He goes into the White House, returning -immediately._] - -JONES. The Honorable Snooks, or Snukes, Ambassador to the United States -from Irish Poland. - - _The Honorable Snooks comes out through the swinging doors. His - resemblance to Mr. Snooks, the bootlegger, is, to say the least, - astounding. But his clothes--they are the clothes of the Corps - Diplomatique. Red stockings enclose his calves, fading at the knee - into black satin breeches. His coat, I regret to say, is faintly - reminiscent of the Order of Mystic Shriners, but a broad red ribbon - slanting diagonally across his diaphragm gives the upper part of - his body a svelte, cosmopolitan air. At his side is slung an - unusually long and cumbersome sword._ - - _He comes in slowly, I might even say cynically, and after a brief - nod at Jerry, surveys his surroundings with an appraising eye._ - - _Jones goes to the table and begins writing._ - -SNOOKS. Got a nice house, ain’t you? - -JERRY [_still depressed from recent reverses_]. Yeah. - -SNOOKS. Wite, hey? - -JERRY [_as if he had just noticed it_]. Yeah, white. - -SNOOKS [_after a pause_]. Get dirty quick. - -JERRY [_adopting an equally laconic manner_]. Have it washed. - -SNOOKS. How’s your old woman? - -JERRY [_uneasily_]. She’s all right. Have a cigar? - -SNOOKS [_taking the proffered cigar_]. Thanks. - -JERRY. That’s all right. I got a lot of them. - -SNOOKS. That’s some cigar. - -JERRY. I got a lot of them. I don’t smoke that kind myself, but I got a -lot of them. - -SNOOKS. That’s swell. - -JERRY [_becoming boastful_]. See that tree? [_The white tree._] Look, -that’s a special tree. You never saw a tree like that before. Nobody’s -got one but me. That tree was given to me by some natives. - -SNOOKS. That’s swell. - -JERRY. See this cane? The band around it’s solid gold. - -SNOOKS. Is that right? I thought maybe it was to keep the squirrels from -crawling up. [_Abruptly._] Need any liquor? I get a lot, you know, on -account of bein’ an ambassador. Gin, vermuth, bitters, absinthe? - -JERRY. No, I don’t.... See that sign? I bet you never saw one like that -before. I had it invented. - -SNOOKS [_bored_]. Class. [_Switching the subject._] I hear you made your -old man Secretary of the Treasury. - -JERRY. My father used to work in a---- - -SNOOKS. You’d ought to made him official Sandy Claus.... How you gettin’ -away with your job? - -JERRY [_lying_]. Oh, fine--fine! You ought to see the military review -they had for me last week. Thousands and thousands of soldiers, and -everybody cheered when they saw me. [_Heartily._] It was sort of -inspiring. - -SNOOKS. I seen you plantin’ trees in the movies. - -JERRY [_excitedly_]. Sure. I do that almost every day. That’s nothing to -some of the things I have to do. But the thing is, I’m not a bit stuck -up about any of it. See that gate? - -SNOOKS. Yeah. - -JERRY [_now completely and childishly happy_]. I had it made that way so -that anybody passing by along the street can look in. Cheer them up, -see? Sometimes I come out here and sit around just so if anybody passes -by--well, there I am. - -SNOOKS [_sarcastically_]. You ought to have yourself covered with radium -so they can see you in the dark. [_He changes his tone now and comes -down to business._] Say, you’re lucky I found you in this morning. Got -the time with you? - - _Jerry pulls out his watch. Snooks takes it as though to inspect it - more closely._ - -Look here now, Mr. President. I got a swell scheme for you. - -JERRY [_trying to look keen_]. Let’s hear it. - -SNOOKS. You needn’t got to think now, just ’cause I’m a hunerd per cent -Irish Pole, that I ain’t goin’ to do the other guy a favor once in a -while. An’ I got somep’m smooth for you. [_He puts Jerry’s watch in his -own pocket--the nerve of the man!_] - -JERRY. What is it? - -SNOOKS [_confidentially_]. Islands. - -JERRY. What islands? - -SNOOKS. The Buzzard Islands. - - _Jerry looks blank._ - -Ain’t you neva hearda the Buzzard Islands? - -JERRY [_apologetically_]. I never was any good at geography. I used to -be pretty good in penmanship. - -SNOOKS [_in horror_]. You ain’t neva hearda the Buzzard Islands? - -JERRY. It’s sort of a disagreeable name. - -SNOOKS. The Buzzard Islands. Property of the country of Irish Poland. -Garden spots. Flowery paradises ina middle of the Atlantic. Rainbow -Islandsa milk an’ honey, palms an’ pines, smellin’ with good-smellin’ -woods and high-priced spices. Fulla animals with million buck skins and -with birds that’s got feathers that the hat dives on Fifth Avenue would -go nuts about. The folks in ee islands--swell-lookin’, husky, square, -rich, one hunerd per cent Buzzardites. - -JERRY [_startled_]. You mean Buzzards? - -SNOOKS. One hunerd per cent Buzzardites, crazy about their island, -butter, milk, live stock, wives, and industries. - -JERRY [_fascinated_]. Sounds sort of pretty, don’t it? - -SNOOKS. Pretty? Say, it’s smooth! Now here’s my proposition, an’ take it -from me, it’s the real stuff. [_Impressively._] The country of Irish -Poland wants to sell you the Buzzard Islands--cheap. - -JERRY [_impressed_]. You’re willing to sell ’em, eh? - -SNOOKS. Listen. I’ll be fair with you. [_I regret to say that at this -point he leans close to Jerry, removes the latter’s stick pin and places -it in his own tie._] I’ve handed you the swellest proposition ever laid -before a President since Andrew Jackson bought the population of Ireland -from Great Britain. - -JERRY. Yeah? - -SNOOKS [_intently_]. Take it from me, Pres, and snap it up--dead cheap. - -JERRY. You’re sure it’s a good---- - -SNOOKS [_indignantly_]. Say, do you think an ambassador would tell you -something that ain’t true? - -JERRY [“_man to man_”]. That’s right, Mr. Snooks. I beg your pardon for -that remark. - -SNOOKS [_touching his handkerchief to his eyes_]. You hurt me, Pres, you -hurt me, but I forgive you. - - _They shake hands warmly._ - - _And now Jerry has an idea--a gorgeous idea. Why didn’t he think of - it before? His voice literally trembles as he lays his plan before - Snooks._ - -JERRY. Honorable Snooks, listen. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll--I’ll -take those Islands and pay--oh, say a round million dollars for them, on -one condition. - -SNOOKS [_quickly_]. Done. Name your condition. - -JERRY [_breathlessly_]. That you’ll let me throw in one of the States on -the trade. - -SNOOKS. What State? - -JERRY. The State of Idaho. - -SNOOKS. How much do you want for it? - -JERRY [_hastily_]. Oh, I’ll just throw that in free. - - _Snooks indicates Mr. Jones with his thumb._ - -SNOOKS. Get him to take it down. - - _Jones takes pen in hand. During the ensuing conversation he writes - busily._ - -JERRY [_anxiously_]. The State of Idaho is just a gift, see? But you -_got_ to take it. - - _Suddenly the Honorable Snooks realizes how the land lies. He looks - narrowly at Jerry, marvelling at an opportunity so ready to his - hand._ - -JERRY [_to Jones_]. Here, get this down. We agree to buy the Buzzard -Islands from the nation of Irish Poland for one million---- - -SNOOKS [_interrupting_]. Two million. - -JERRY. Two million dollars, on condition that Irish Poland will also -incorporate into their nation the State of Idaho, with all its people. -Be sure and get that, Jones. With all its people. - -JONES. I have it. The State of Idaho and four hundred and thirty-one -thousand, eight hundred and sixty-six people. Including colored? - -JERRY. Yes, including colored. - -SNOOKS [_craftily_]. Just a minute, Pres. This here State of Idaho is -mostly mountains, ain’t it? - -JERRY [_anxiously_]. I don’t know. Is it, Mr. Jones? - -JONES. It has quite a few mountains. - -SNOOKS [_hesitating_]. Well, now, I don’t know if we better do it after -all---- - -JERRY [_quickly_]. Three millions. - -SNOOKS. I’ll tell you, I’d like to pull it off for you, Pres, but you -see a State like that has gotta have upkeep. You take one of them -mountains, for instance. You can’t just let a mountain alone like you -would a--a ocean. You got to--to groom it. You got to--to chop it down. -You got to explore it. Now take that alone--you got to explore it. - -JERRY [_swallowing_]. Four millions. - -SNOOKS. That’s more like it. Now these Buzzard Islands don’t require no -attention. You just have to let ’em alone. But you take the up-keep on a -thing like the State of Idaho. - -JERRY [_wiping his brow_]. Five millions. - -SNOOKS. Sold! You get the Buzzard Islands and we get five million bucks -and the State of Idaho. - -JERRY. Got that down, Jones? - -SNOOKS. On second thoughts---- - -JERRY [_in a panic_]. No, no, you can’t get out of it. It’s all down in -black and white. - -SNOOKS [_resignedly_]. Awright. I must say, Mr. President, you turned -out to be a real man. When I first met you I wouldn’t have thought it, -but I been pleasantly surprised. - - _He slaps Jerry heartily on the back. Jerry is so tickled at the - solution of the Idaho problem that he feverishly seizes Snooks’s - hand._ - -SNOOKS. And even if Irish Poland gets stung on the deal, we’ll put it -through. Say, you and me ain’t politicians, fella, we’re statesmen, real -statesmen. You ain’t got a cigarette about you, have you? - - _Jerry hands him his cigarette case. Snooks, after taking one, - returns the case to his own pocket._ - -JERRY [_enthusiastically_]. Send me a post-card, Ambassador Snooks. The -White House, City, will reach me. - -SNOOKS. Post-card! Say, lay off. You and me are pals. I’d do anything -for a pal. Come on down to the corner and I’ll buy you a cigar. - -JERRY [_to Mr. Jones_]. I guess I can go out now for a while. - -JONES. Oh, yes. - -JERRY. Hang on to that treaty. And, say, when the Secretary of the -Treasury wakes up tell him I’ve got to have five million dollars right -away. - -JONES. If you’ll just come into the office for a moment you can put your -signatures on it right away. - - _Jerry and the Honorable Snooks go into the White House arm in arm, - followed by Mr. Jones. Presently Jerry can be seen in the window of - the President’s office._ - - _A moment later the doors swing open again, this time for the - tottering egress of Dada._ - - _Dada, not without difficulty, arranges himself a place in the sun. - He is preparing for his morning siesta, and, indeed, has almost - managed to spread a handkerchief over his face when in through the - gate comes Doris. Her eye falls on him and a stern purpose is - born. Dada, seeing her approach, groans in anticipation._ - -DORIS. Dada, I want to speak to you. - - _Dada blinks up at her, wearily._ - -Dada, I want to tell you something for your own good and for Jerry’s -good. You want Jerry to keep his position, don’t you? - -DADA. Jerry’s a fine boy. He was born to my second wife in eighteen -hundred and---- - -DORIS [_interrupting impatiently_]. Yes, I know he was. But I mean now. - -DADA. No, I’ll never have any more children. Children are hard to raise -properly. - - _This is aimed at her._ - -DORIS. Look at here, Dada. What I think is the best thing to do is to -resign your position. - -DADA. The----? - -DORIS. You’re too old, you see, if you know what I mean. You’re sort -of--oh, not crazy, but just sort of feeble-minded. - -DADA [_who has caught one word_]. Yes, I’m a little feeble. [_He dozes -off._] - -DORIS [_absorbed in her thesis_]. I don’t mean you’re crazy. Don’t get -mad. I don’t mean you go around thinking you’re like Napoleon or a -poached egg or anything like that, but you’re sort of feeble-minded. -Don’t you understand, yourself? Sort of simple. - -DADA [_waking up suddenly_]. How’s that? - -DORIS [_infuriated_]. That’s _just_ the sort of thing I was talking -about! Going to sleep like that when a person’s trying to tell you -something for your own son’s good. That’s just _exactly_ what I mean! - -DADA [_puzzled but resentful_]. I don’t like you. You’re a very forward -young girl. Your parents brought you up very unsuccessfully indeed. - -DORIS [_smugly_]. All right. You’re just making me think so more than -ever. Go right ahead. Don’t mind me. Go right ahead. Then when you begin -to really _rave_ I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon. - -DADA [_with an air of cold formality_]. I’ll ask you to excuse me. [_He -wants to get to sleep._] - -DORIS. First thing you know you’ll take all the money in the Treasury -and hide it and forget where you put it. - -DADA [_succinctly_]. There isn’t any money in the Treasury. - -DORIS [_after a stunned pause_]. Just what do you mean by that -statement? - -DADA [_drowsily_]. There isn’t any money in the Treasury. There was -seven thousand dollars left yesterday, but I worked from morning till -night and now there isn’t one red penny in there. - -DORIS. You must be crazy. - -DADA. [_He can scarcely keep awake._] Hm. - -DORIS. Look at here! What do you mean--have you been spending that -money--that doesn’t belong to you, you know--on some fast woman? - -DADA [_as usual, he doesn’t quite hear_]. Yes, it’s all gone. I went -down yesterday morning and I said to myself: “Horatio, you got only -seven thousand dollars left, and you got to work from morning till night -and get rid of it.” And I did. - -DORIS [_furious, but impressed at the magnitude of the crime_]. How much -was there altogether? - -DADA. Altogether? I haven’t the figures with me. - -DORIS. Why, you old dumb-bell, you. Imagine an old man your age that -hasn’t had anything to do for twenty years but just sit around and -_think_, going crazy about a woman at your age! [_With scornful pity._] -Don’t you know she just made a fool of you? - -DADA [_shaking his finger at her_]. You must not talk like that. Be -courteous and---- - -DORIS. Yes, and pretty soon some woman comes along and you get -“courteous” with her to the extent of all the money in the Treasury. - -DADA. Yes, that’s one thing that stood me in good stead. My mother used -to say to me: “Horatio----” - -DORIS [_paying no attention to him_]. What was her name? - -DADA. Her name was Roxanna. - -DORIS. Where did she get hold of you? - -DADA. My mother? - -DORIS. Your paramour. - -DADA. She used to say to me: “Horatio----” - -DORIS. She probably used to say a lot more than that! Oh, I know how -they handle old men like you. I’ve seen a lot of that. Slush is what -appeals to old men like you. - -DADA. No--I said courtesy. - -DORIS. You mean slush. What did she call you?--her old toodledums? And -all that sort of thing? How perfectly disgusting! - - _Out comes Jerry now, just in time to catch Dada’s next remark, and - to realize that there’s persecution in the air._ - -DADA [_to Doris_]. It’s been a hot day and I’ll ask you to excuse me. I -never liked you, you know. - -JERRY. Say, Doris, why can’t you leave Dada alone? He’s got more -important things to think about than your new dresses and your silk -stockings. - -DORIS. Got something more important than silk stockings, has he? Ask -him! - -JERRY. Dada’s got a lot more to him than anybody ever gives him credit -for, haven’t you, Dada? - -DORIS [_excitedly_]. Yeah, yeah. All right. Wait till you hear what he’s -done now. Wait till you hear. [_To Dada._] Tell him what you did at your -age. Some woman came up to him and said “Horatio--” [_She gives an -awe-inspiring imitation of a passionate woman._] and he said: “Here----” - -JERRY [_interrupting_]. What woman did? - -DORIS. Her name was Roxanna. Ask him where all the money in the Treasury -is. At his age. - -JERRY [_in growing alarm_]. Look at here, Doris---- - -DORIS. The--old--dumb-bell! I take back what I said about your not being -really crazy. [_To Jerry._] Look out, he’ll begin to rave. [_She -pretends to be alarmed._] Yes, Dada, you’re a poached egg. It’s all -right. I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon. - -DADA. I’ve been working in the dark. I thought it best. - -DORIS. You needn’t tell us all the disgusting details. Please respect my -engagement. You must have bought her about everything in the world. No -wonder I can’t get any good shoes in Washington. Jerry should have got -you analyzed. - - _Jerry now begins to realize that something appalling has indeed - happened. He sits down weakly._ - -DADA. I was working in the dark. - -DORIS. Well, Jerry should of had you analyzed in the dark. - -JERRY [_suddenly_]. Char-lit! - -CHARLOTTE [_at the upper window_]. Stop screaming at me! - -JERRY. Charlit, come on out here! - -DORIS. Dada’s done something awful. At his age! - -JERRY. Hurry up out, Charlit! - -CHARLOTTE. You wouldn’t want me to come out in my chemise, would you? - -DORIS. It wouldn’t matter. We’ll be kicked out, anyways. - -CHARLOTTE. Has Dada been drinking? - -DORIS. Worse than that. Some woman’s got ahold of him. - -CHARLOTTE. Don’t let him go till I come down. I can handle him. - - _Mr. Jones comes out._ - -DADA [_impressively_]. I think the world is coming to an end at three -o’clock. - -DORIS [_wildly_]. We’ve got a maniac here. Go get some rope. - -MR. JONES [_in horror_]. Are you going to hang him? - - _Out rushes Charlotte._ - -DADA. The United States was the wealthiest country in all the world. -It’s easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a -wealthy man to enter heaven. - - _They all listen in expectant horror._ - -So all the money in the Treasury I have had destroyed by fire, or dumped -into the deep sea. We are all saved. - -JERRY. Do you mean to say that you haven’t even got five million -dollars? - -DADA. I finished it all up yesterday. It was not easy. It took a lot of -resourcefulness, but I did it. - -JERRY [_in horror_]. But I’ve got to have five million dollars this -afternoon or I can’t get rid of Idaho, and I’ll be impeached! - -DADA [_complacently_]. We’re all saved. - -JERRY [_wildly_]. You mean we’re all lost! - - _He sinks disconsolately into a chair and buries his face in his - hands. Charlotte, who knew everything would go to pieces, stands - over him with an “I told you so” air. Doris shakes her finger at - Dada, who shakes his finger vigorously back at her. Mr. Jones, - with great presence of mind, produces the cocktail shaker and - passes around the consoling glasses to the violently agitated - household._ - - * * * * * - - _At two-thirty the horizontal sunlight is bright upon the White - House lawn. Through the office window the President can be seen, - bent over his desk in an attitude of great dejection. And here - comes the Honorable Snooks through the gate, looking as if he’d - been sent for. Mr. Jones hurries forth from the White House to - greet him._ - -SNOOKS. Did you send for me, fella? - -JONES [_excitedly_]. I should say we did, Honorable Snooks. Sit down and -I’ll get the President. - - _As Mr. Jones goes in search of the President, Dada comes in - through the gate at a triumphant tottering strut. He includes the - Honorable Snooks in the splendor of his elation._ - -DADA [_jubilantly_]. Hooray! Hooray! I worked in the dark, but I won -out! - -SNOOKS [_with profound disgust_]. Well, if it ain’t Sandy Claus! - -DADA. This is a great day for me, Mr.-- You see the world is coming to an -end. - -SNOOKS. Well, Sandy Claus, everybody’s got a right to enjoy themselves -their own way. - -DADA. That’s in strict confidence, you understand. - -SNOOKS. I wouldn’t spoil the surprise for nothin’. - - _Out rushes Jerry._ - -JERRY [_in great excitement_]. Honorable Snooks--Honorable Snooks---- - -DADA [_suddenly_]. Hooray! In at the finish. - - _He tries to slap the Honorable Snooks on the back, but the - Honorable Snooks steps out of the way, and Dada loses his balance. - Snooks and Jerry pick him up._ - -JERRY [_suspiciously_]. Dada, have you been drinking? - -DADA. Just a little bit. Just enough to fortify me. I never touched a -drop before to-day. - -SNOOKS. You’re a naughty boy. - -DADA. Yes, I think I’ll go in and rest up for the big event. - - _He wanders happily into the White House._ - -JERRY [_in a hushed voice_]. Honorable Snooks, Dada has done something -awful. - -SNOOKS [_pointing after Dada_]. Him? - -JERRY. He took all the money in the Treasury and destroyed it. - -SNOOKS. What type of talk is that? You tryin’ to kid me? - -JERRY. You see, he’s a very religious man, Honorable Snooks---- - -SNOOKS. You mean you ain’t got five million for me. [_Jerry shakes his -head._] Good _night_! This is a swell country. A bunch of Indian givers! - -JERRY. There’s no use cursing at me, Honorable Snooks. I’m a broken man -myself. - -SNOOKS. Say, can the sob stuff an’ call up the Treasury. Get ’em to -strike off a couple billion dollars more. You’re the President, ain’t -you? - - _Cheering up a little, Jerry goes to the telephone._ - -JERRY. Give me the Treasury Department.... Say, this is President Frost -speaking. I just wanted to ask you if you couldn’t strike off a little -currency, see? About--about five million dollars, see? And if you didn’t -know whose picture to put on ’em you could put my picture on ’em, see? I -got a good picture I just had taken.... You can’t strike any off?... -Well, I just asked you.... Well, I just thought I’d ask you.... Well, no -harm done--I just _asked_ you--it didn’t hurt to _ask_, did it? [_He -rings off despondently._] It didn’t hurt ’em to _ask_. - -SNOOKS. Nothin’ doin’, eh? - - _In comes Mr. Jones._ - -JONES. It’s all over, Mr. President. I’ve just received word that Chief -Justice Fossile of the Supreme Court, accompanied by the Senate -Committee on Inefficiency, is on his way to the White House. - - _Jerry sits down, completely overcome. Jones retires._ - -SNOOKS. They goin’ to throw you out on your ear, eh? - -JERRY [_brooding_]. It’s that low, mean bunch of people out in Idaho. - - _Snooks, who has been ruminating on the situation, comes to a - decision._ - -SNOOKS. Look at here, Mr. President, I’m goin’ to help you out. I’ll -pass up that five million bucks and we’ll make a straight swap of the -Buzzard Islands for the State of Idaho. - -JERRY [_in amazement_]. You’ll give me the Buzzard Islands for the State -of Idaho? - - _Snooks nods. Jerry wrings his hand in great emotion._ - - _At this point Charlotte comes out of the White House. At the sight - of the Honorable Snooks a somewhat disapproving expression passes - over her face._ - -JERRY [_excitedly_]. Charlit--Charlit. This gentleman has saved me. - -CHARLOTTE [_suspiciously_]. Who is he? - -JERRY. His name is The Honorable Snooks, Charlit. - -SNOOKS [_under Charlotte’s stern eye_]. Well, I guess I got to be goin’. - -CHARLOTTE. Won’t you stay for my husband’s impeachment? We’re having a -few people in. - - _Out comes Doris, accompanied by Dada. Dada is in such a state of - exultation that much to Doris’s annoyance he is attempting a - gavotte with her._ - -DORIS [_repulsing him_]. Say, haven’t I got enough troubles having to -throw over my fiancé, without having you try to do your indecent old -dances with me? - - _Dada sits down and regards the heavens with a long telescope._ - - _Jerry has now recovered his confidence and is marching up and down - waving his arms and rehearsing speeches under his breath. Snooks - taps Dada’s head and winks lewdly at Charlotte and Doris._ - -DORIS. Honestly, everybody seems to be going a little crazy around here. -Is Jerry going to be fired or isn’t he? - -CHARLOTTE. He says he isn’t, but I don’t believe him for a minute. - - _Jones comes out, followed by an excitable Italian gentleman with - long, musical hair._ - -JONES. This gentleman said he had an appointment with Miss Doris. - -JERRY. Who are you? - -THE GENTLEMAN. I am Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band. I am ordered to -come here with my band at three o’clock to play high-class jazz at young -lady’s wedding reception. - -DORIS. I remember now. I _did_ order him. It’s supposed to be the best -jazz band in the country. - -JERRY [_to Stutz-Mozart_]. Don’t you know there’s going to be a big -political crisis here at three o’clock? - -DORIS. We can’t use you now, Mr. Stutz-Mozart. Anyways, I had to throw -over my fiancé on account of political reasons. - -STUTZ-MOZART [_indignantly_]. But I have my orang-outang band outside. - -CHARLOTTE [_her eyes staring_]. Real orang-outangs? - -DORIS. Of course not. They just call it that because they look kind of -like orang-outangs. And they play kind of like orang-outangs, sort of. I -mean the way orang-outangs would play if they knew how to play at all. - -JERRY [_to Stutz-Mozart_]. Well, you’ll have to get them away from here. -I can’t have a lot of senators and judges coming in and finding me with -a bunch of men that look like orang-outangs. - -STUTZ-MOZART. But I have been hired to play. - -JERRY. Yes, but what do you think people would say? They’d say: Yes, -here’s a fine sort of President we’ve got. All his friends look sort of -like orang-outangs. - -STUTZ-MOZART. You waste my time. You pay me or else we play. - -JERRY. Look at here. If you’re one of these radical agitators my advice -to you is to go right back where you came from. - -STUTZ-MOZART. I came from Hoboken. - - _He goes threateningly out the gate._ - -JONES [_announcing from the steps_]. Chief Justice Fossile of the -Supreme Court, accompanied by a committee from the Senate! - -CHARLOTTE [_to Jerry_]. Speak right up to them. Show them you’re not -just a vegetable. - - _Here they come! Chief Justice Fossile, in a portentous white wig, - is walking ponderously at the head of the procession. Five of the - six Senators who follow him are large, grave gentlemen whose - cutaway coats press in their swollen stomachs. Beside them Senator - Fish seems frail and ineffectual._ - - _The delegation comes to a halt before Jerry, who regards it - defiantly, but with some uneasiness._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE. To the President of the United States--greetings. - -JERRY [_nervously_]. Greetings yourself. - - _Mr. Jones has provided chairs, and the Senators seat themselves in - a row, with Judge Fossile in front. Fish looks miserably at Doris. - The Honorable Snooks lurks in the shadow of the Special Tree._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Mr. President, on the motion of the gentleman from -Idaho-- [_He points to Fish, who tries unsuccessfully to shrink out of -sight._] we have come to analyze you, with a view to impeachment. - -JERRY [_sarcastically_]. Oh, is that so? [_He looks for encouragement at -Charlotte. Charlotte grunts._] - -JUDGE FOSSILE. I believe that is the case, Senator Fish? - -FISH [_nervously_]. Yes, but personally I like him. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, you do, do you? [_She nudges Jerry._] Speak right up to -them like that. - -JERRY. Oh, you do, do you? - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Remove that woman! - - _No one pays any attention to his request._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Now, Mr. President, do you absolutely refuse to resign on -the request of the Senator from Idaho? - -JERRY. You’re darn right I refuse! - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Well, then, I---- - - _At this point Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band outside of the - wall launches into a jovial jazz rendition of “Way Down upon the - Suwanee River.” Suspecting it to be the national anthem, the - Senators glance at each other uneasily, and then, removing their - silk hats, get to their feet, one by one. Even Judge Fossile stands - at respectful attention until the number dies away._ - -JERRY. Ha-ha! That wasn’t “The Star-Spangled Banner.” - - _The Senators look confused._ - -DORIS [_tragically_]. This was to have been my wedding reception day. - - _Senator Fish begins to weep softly to himself._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE [_angrily to Jerry_]. This is preposterous, sir! You’re a -dangerous man! You’re a menace to the nation! We will proceed no -further. Have you anything to say before we vote on the motion made by -the State of Idaho? - -CHARLOTTE. Yes, he has. He’s got a whole mouthful! - -DORIS. This is the feature moment of my life. Cecil B. Demille would -shoot it with ten cameras. - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Remove these women. - - _The women are not removed._ - -JERRY [_nervously_]. Gentlemen, before you take this step into your -hands I want to put my best foot forward. Let us consider a few aspects. -For instance, for the first aspect let us take, for example, the War of -the Revolution. There was ancient Rome, for example. Let us not only -live so that our children who live after us, but also that our ancestors -who preceded us and fought to make this country what it is! - - _General applause._ - -And now, gentlemen, a boy to-day is a man to-morrow--or, rather, in a -few years. Consider the winning of the West--Daniel Boone and Kit -Carson, and in our own time Buffalo Bill and--and Jesse James! - - _Prolonged applause._ - -Finally, in closing, I want to tell you about a vision of mine -that I seem to see. I seem to see Columbia--Columbia--ah--blindfolded--ah--covered -with scales--driving the ship of state over the battle-fields -of the republic into the heart of the golden West and the cotton-fields -of the sunny South. - - _Great applause. Mr. Jones, with his customary thoughtfulness, - serves a round of cocktails._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE [_sternly_]. Gentlemen, you must not let yourselves be -moved by this man’s impassioned rhetoric. The State of Idaho has moved -his impeachment. We shall put it to a vote---- - -JERRY [_interrupting_]. Listen here, Judge Fossile, a state has got to -be part of a country in order to impeach anybody, don’t they? - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Yes. - -JERRY. Well, the State of Idaho doesn’t belong to the United States any -more. - - _A general sensation. Senator Fish stands up and sits down._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Then who does it belong to? - -SNOOKS [_pushing his way to the front_]. It belongs to the nation of -Irish Poland. - - _An even greater sensation._ - -JERRY. The State of Idaho is nothing but a bunch of mountains. I’ve -traded it to the nation of Irish Poland for the Buzzard Islands. - - _Mr. Jones hands the treaty to Judge Fossile._ - -FISH [_on his feet_]. Judge Fossile, the people of Idaho---- - -SNOOKS. Treason! Treason! Set down, fella! You’re a subject of the -nation of Irish Poland. - -JERRY [_pointing to Fish_]. Those foreigners think they can run this -country. - - _The other Senators shrink away from Fish._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE [_to Fish_]. If you want to speak as a citizen of the -United States, you’ll have to take out naturalization papers. - -SNOOKS. I won’t let him. I’m goin’ to take him with me. He’s part of our -property. - - _He seizes the indignant Fish firmly by the arm and pins a large - “Sold” badge to the lapel of his coat._ - -DORIS [_heartily_]. Well, I’m certainly glad I didn’t marry a foreigner. - - _Just at this point, when Jerry seems to have triumphed all around, - there is the noise of a fife and drum outside, and General Pushing - marches in, followed by his musical escort. The General is in a - state of great excitement._ - -GENERAL PUSHING. Mr. President, I am here on the nation’s business! - -THE SENATORS. Hurrah! - -GENERAL PUSHING. War must be declared! - -THE SENATORS. Hurrah! - -JERRY. Who is the enemy? - -GENERAL PUSHING. The enemy is the nation of Irish Poland! - - _All eyes are now turned upon Snooks, who looks considerably - alarmed._ - -GENERAL PUSHING [_raising his voice_]. On to the Buzzard Islands! - -THE SENATORS. Hurrah! Hurrah! Down with Irish Poland! - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Now, Mr. President, all treaties are off! - -GENERAL PUSHING [_looking scornfully at Jerry_]. He tried to trade the -State of Idaho for some islands full of Buzzards. Bah! - -THE SENATORS. Bah! - -SNOOKS [_indignantly_]. What’s ee idea? Is this a frame-up to beat the -nation of Irish Poland outa their rights? We want the State of Idaho. -You want the Buzzard Islands, don’t you? - -GENERAL PUSHING. We can take them by force. We’re at war. [_To the -Senators._] We’ve ordered all stuffed Buzzards to be removed from the -natural history museums. [_Cheers._] And domestic Buzzards are now fair -game, both in and out of season. [_More cheers._] Buzzard domination -would be unthinkable. - -JUDGE FOSSILE [_pointing to Jerry_]. And now, Senators. How many of you -vote for the impeachment of this enemy of the commonwealth? - - _The five Senators stand up._ - -JUDGE FOSSILE [_to Jerry_]. The verdict of a just nation. Is there any -one here to say why this verdict should not stand? - - _Dada, who all this time has been absorbed in the contemplation of - the heavens, suddenly throws down his telescope with a crash._ - -DADA [_in a tragic voice_]. It’s too late! - -ALL. Too late? - -DADA. Too late for the world to end this afternoon. I must have missed -the date by two thousand years. [_Wringing his hands._] I shall destroy -myself! - - _Dada tries to destroy himself. He produces a pistol, aims at - himself, and fires. He flounders down--but he has missed._ - -DORIS [_standing over him and shaking her finger_]. You miss -_ev_erything! I’m going to send for the lunatic-asylum wagon--if it’ll -_come_! - -DADA [_shaking his finger back at her_]. Your parents brought you up -very unsuccessfully---- - -JUDGE FOSSILE. Silence! I will pronounce sentence of impeachment on this -enemy of mankind. Look upon him! - - _They all look dourly at Jerry._ - -Now, gentlemen, the astronomers tell us that in the far heavens, near -the southern cross, there is a vast space called the hole in the sky, -where the most powerful telescope can discover no comet nor planet nor -star nor sun. - - _They all look very cold and depressed. Jerry shivers. Fish picks - up Dada’s abandoned telescope and begins an eager examination of - the firmament._ - -In that dreary, cold, dark region of space the Great Author of Celestial -Mechanism has left the chaos which was in the beginning. If the earth -beneath my feet were capable of expressing its emotions it would, with -the energy of nature’s elemental forces, heave, throw, and project this -enemy of mankind into that vast region, there forever to exist in a -solitude as eternal as--as eternity. - - _When he finishes a funereal silence falls._ - -JERRY [_his voice shaken with grief_]. Well, Judge, all I’ve got to say -is that no matter what you’d done I wouldn’t want to do all those things -to you. - -JUDGE FOSSILE [_thunderously_]. Have you anything more to say? - -JERRY [_rising through his defeat to a sort of eloquent defiance_]. Yes. -I want to tell you all something. I don’t want to be President. [_A -murmur of surprise._] I never asked to be President. Why--why, I don’t -even know how in hell I ever _got_ to be President! - -GENERAL PUSHING [_in horror_]. Do you mean to say that there’s one -American citizen who does not desire the sacred duty of being President? -Sir, may I ask, then, just what you do want? - -JERRY [_wildly_]. Yes! I want to be left alone. - - _Outside the wall Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band strikes up - “The Bee’s Knees.” The Senators arise respectfully and remove their - hats, and General Pushing, drawing his sword, stands at the - salute._ - - _Four husky baggage smashers stagger out of the White House with - the trunks of the Frost family, and hurry with them through the - gate. Half a dozen assorted suitcases are flung after the trunks._ - - _The music continues to play, the Senators continue to stand. The - Frost family gaze at their departing luggage, each under the spell - of a different emotion._ - - _Charlotte is the first to pick up her grip. As she turns to the - Senators, the music sinks to pianissimo, so her words are - distinctly audible._ - -CHARLOTTE. If it’s any satisfaction to you, I’m going to be a different -wife to him from now on. From now on I’m going to make his life -perfectly miserable. - - _Charlotte goes out to a great burst of jazz. Dada, with some - difficulty, locates his battered carpet-bag._ - -DADA. I find I missed the date by two thousand years. Eventually I will -destroy myself. - - _Dada is gone now, hurried out between two porters, and Doris is - next. With dignity she selects her small but arrogant hand-bag._ - -DORIS. All I want to say is if Cecil B. Demille ever saw the White House -he’d say: “All right, that may do for the gardener’s cottage. Now I’ll -start building a _real_ house.” - - _As she leaves she tries desperately to walk out of step with the - music and avoid the suggestion of marching. The attempt is not - altogether successful._ - - _President Jerry Frost now picks up his bag._ - -JERRY [_defiantly_]. Well, anyways I showed you you couldn’t put -anything over on me. [_Glancing around, his eye falls on the “Special -Tree.” He goes over and pulls it up by the roots._] This was given to me -by some natives. That sign’s mine, too. I had it invented. [_He -pauses._] I guess you think I wasn’t much good as a President, don’t -you? Well, just try electing me again. - -GENERAL PUSHING [_sternly_]. We won’t! As a President you’d make a good -postman. - - _At this sally there is a chorus of laughter._ - - _Then Charlotte’s voice again. Does it come from outside the gate, - or, mysteriously enough, from somewhere above?_ - -CHARLOTTE [_very distinctly_]. Shut the door! I can smell that stuff up -here! - - _A bewildered look comes into Jerry’s eyes. He says “What?” in a - loud voice._ - - _Then with the tree in one hand and his grip in the other, he is - hurried, between two porters, briskly toward the gate, while the - Orang-Outang Band crashes into louder and louder jazz and_ - - -THE CURTAIN FALLS - - - - -ACT III - - - _Now we’re back at the Frosts’ house, and it’s a week after the - events narrated in Act I. It is about nine o’clock in the morning, - and through the open windows the sun is shining in great, brave - squares upon the carpet. The jars, the glasses, the phials of a - certain memorable night have been removed, but there is an air - about the house quite inconsistent with the happy day outside, an - air of catastrophe, a profound gloom that seems to have settled - even upon the “Library of Wit and Humor” in the dingy bookcase._ - - _There is brooding going on upon the premises._ - - _A quick tat-tat-tat from outdoors--the clatter of someone running - up the porch steps. The door opens and Doris comes in, Doris in a - yellowish skirt with a knit jersey to match, Doris chewing, faintly - and delicately, what can surely be no more than a sheer wisp of - gum._ - -DORIS [_calling_]. Char-lotte. - -A VOICE [_broken and dismal, from up-stairs_]. Is that you, Doris? - -DORIS. Yeah. Can I come up? - -THE VOICE. [_It’s Charlotte’s. You’d scarcely have recognized it._] I’ll -come down. - -DORIS. Heard anything from Jerry? - -CHARLOTTE. Not a word. - - _Doris regards herself silently, but with interest, in a small - mirror on the wall. In comes Charlotte--and oh, how changed from - herself of last week. Her nose and eyes are red from weeping. She’s - chastened and depressed._ - -DORIS [_with cheerful pessimism_]. Haven’t heard a word, eh? - -CHARLOTTE [_lugubriously_]. No. Not one. - -DORIS [_impressed in spite of herself_]. Son of a gun! And he sneaked -away a week ago to-night. - -CHARLOTTE. It was that awful liquor, I _know_. He sat up all night and -in the morning he was gone. - -DORIS. It’s the funniest thing I ever heard of, his sneaking off this -way.... Say, Charlotte, I’ve been meaning to say something to you for a -couple of days, but I didn’t want to get you depressed. - -CHARLOTTE. How could I possibly be any more depressed than I am? - -DORIS. Well, I just wanted to ask you if you’d tried the morgue yet. -[_Charlotte gives a little scream._] Wait a minute. Get control of -yourself. I simply think you ought to _try_ it. If he’s anywhere you -ought to locate him. - -CHARLOTTE [_wildly_]. Oh, he’s not dead! He’s not dead! - -DORIS. I didn’t say he was, did I? I didn’t say he was. But when a fella -wanders out tight after drinking some of this stuff, you can’t tell -_where_ you’ll find him. Let me tell you, Charlotte, I’ve had more -experience with this sort of thing than you have. - -CHARLOTTE. The detective is coming to report this morning. - -DORIS. Has he been combing the dives? You ought to have him comb the -dives, Charlotte. I saw a picture last week that ought to be a lesson to -any woman that loses her husband in a funny way like this. The woman in -this picture lost her husband and she just combed the dives and--there -he was. - -CHARLOTTE [_suspiciously_]. What was he doing? - -DORIS. Some vampire was sitting on his lap in a café. [_Charlotte -moans._] But it does show that if you do have the dives combed, you can -find ’em. That’s what this woman did.... There’s where most men go when -they wander out like that. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, no, Jerry wouldn’t go to the dives, or the--the morgue, -either. He’s never drank or done anything like that till that night. -He’s always been so mild and patient. - - _This is a new note from Charlotte._ - -DORIS [_after a thoughtful pause_]. Maybe he’s gone to Hollywood to go -in the movies. They say a lot of lost men turn up there. - -CHARLOTTE [_brokenly_]. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m -re-responsible. He said that night he might have been P-President if it -hadn’t been for me. He’d just been analyzed, and they found he was -per-perfect. - -DORIS. Well, with no reflections on the dead or anything like that, -Charlotte, he wasn’t so wonderful as you make out. You can take it from -me, he never would have been anything more than a postman if you hadn’t -made him be a railroad clerk.... I’d have the dives combed. - -CHARLOTTE [_eulogistically_]. He was a good husband. - -DORIS. You’ll get over it. - -CHARLOTTE. What? - -DORIS. Cheer up. In a year or so you’ll never know you ever had a -husband. - -CHARLOTTE [_bursting into tears at this_]. But I want him back. - -DORIS [_reminiscently_]. Do you know the song? Do you know the song? -[_She sings_:] - - “A good man is hard to find - You always get the other kind - And when you think that he is your friend - You look around and find him scratching - ’Round some other hen----” - - _She has forgotten her ethical connection and begins to enjoy the - song for itself, when Charlotte interrupts._ - -CHARLOTTE [_in torture_]. Oh, don’t! Don’t! - -DORIS. Oh, excuse me. I didn’t think you’d take it personally.... It’s -just about colored people. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, do you suppose he’s with some colored women? - -DORIS [_scornfully_]. No-o-o! What you need is to get your mind off it -for a while. Just say to yourself if he’s in a dive, he’s in a dive, and -if he’s in Hollywood, he’s in Hollywood, and if he’s in the morgue---- - -CHARLOTTE [_frantically_]. If you say that word again, I’ll go crazy! - -DORIS.--well, in that _place_, then, just say: “I can’t do anything -about it, so I’m going to forget it.” That’s what you want to say to -yourself. - -CHARLOTTE. It’s easy enough to _say_, but I can’t get my mind---- - -DORIS. Yes, you can. [_Magnanimously._] I’ll tell you about what I’ve -been doing. I’ve had sort of a scrap with Joseph. - -CHARLOTTE. Joseph who? - -DORIS. Joseph Fish. He’s that fella I brought around here, only you -didn’t meet him. I told you about him. The one I got engaged to about -ten days ago. His patents were in the mortuary business. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh. - -DORIS. Well, I been trying to make him stop chewing gum. I offered to -give it up if he would. I think it’s sort of common when two people that -go together are always whacking away at a piece of gum, don’t you? - - _There’s a ring at the door-bell._ - -CHARLOTTE. That’s the detective. - -DORIS [_prudently_]. Have you got that liquor hidden? - -CHARLOTTE. I threw that horrible stuff away. Go let him in. - - _Charlotte goes to the door and ushers in the detective. The - detective wears an expression of profound sagacity upon his - countenance._ - -Have you found him? - -THE DETECTIVE [_impressively_]. Mrs. Frost, I think so. - -CHARLOTTE. Alive? - -THE DETECTIVE. Alive. - -CHARLOTTE. Where is he? - -THE DETECTIVE. Wait. Be calm. I’ve had several clews, and I’ve been -following them up one at a time. And I’ve located a man, who answers to -the first name of Jerry, that I think is your husband. - -CHARLOTTE. Where did you find him? - -THE DETECTIVE. He was picked up trying to jimmy his way into a house on -Crest Avenue. - -CHARLOTTE. Good heavens! - -THE DETECTIVE. Yep--and his name is Jerry. He had it tattooed on his -arm. - -CHARLOTTE. Good God! - -THE DETECTIVE. But there’s one thing that’s different from your -description. What color is your husband’s hair? - -CHARLOTTE. Brown. - -THE DETECTIVE. Brown? Are you sure? - -CHARLOTTE. Am I sure? Of course I’m sure. - -THE DETECTIVE [_to Doris_]. Do you collaborate that? - -DORIS. When he left here it was brown. - -THE DETECTIVE. Well, this fella’s hair was red. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, it’s not Jerry then--it’s not Jerry. - -DORIS [_to Charlotte_]. Well, now, how do you know? Maybe-- [_She turns -to the detective._] You see, this fella had been drinking some of this -funny liquor you get around here sometimes and it may just have turned -his hair red. - -CHARLOTTE [_to the detective_]. Oh, do you think so? - -THE DETECTIVE. I never heard of a case like that. I knew a fella whose -hair was turned white by it. - -DORIS. I knew one, too. What was the name of the fella you knew? - -CHARLOTTE. Did this man claim to be my husband? - -THE DETECTIVE. No, madam, he didn’t. He said he had two wives out in -Montana, but none that he knew of in these parts. But of course he may -have been bluffing. - -DORIS. It doesn’t sound like Jerry to me. - -THE DETECTIVE. But you can identify him by that tattoo mark. - -CHARLOTTE [_hastily_]. Oh, he never had one. - -THE DETECTIVE. Are you sure? - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, yes. - -THE DETECTIVE [_his face falling_]. Well, then, he’s not our man, -because this fella’s tattoo marks are three years old. Well, that’s a -disappointment. That’s a great disappointment for me. I’ve wasted some -time over this man. I’d been hoping he’d--ah--do. - -CHARLOTTE [_hastily_]. Oh, no, he wouldn’t do at all. I’ll have to have -the right man or I won’t pay you. - -THE DETECTIVE. Well, now then, I’ve been following up another clew. Did -your husband ever have aphasia? - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, no, he’s always been very healthy. He had some skin -trouble about---- - -DORIS. He doesn’t mean that, Charlotte. Aphasia’s where a man runs off -and commits murder and falls in love with a young girl under another -name. - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, no, he’s never done anything like this ever before. - -THE DETECTIVE. Suppose you tell me exactly what did happen. - -CHARLOTTE. Well, I told you he’d been drinking something that had -spirits of nitrogen in it. - -THE DETECTIVE. Spirits of nitrogen! - -CHARLOTTE. That’s what the man said. It was sympathetic gin that this -man had persuaded Jerry into buying. - -THE DETECTIVE. Yes. - -CHARLOTTE. And he’d been talking all evening about all the things he -could have done if I hadn’t stood in his way. He had some examination -he’d just taken. - -DORIS [_explaining_]. A psychical examination. - -THE DETECTIVE [_wisely_]. I see. - -CHARLOTTE. And my sister came over with the man she’s going to marry, -and she came up to see me, and when she came down Jerry was asleep in -his chair. Well, I didn’t go down. I wish I had now. And my sister here -and her fellow went away. Then I went to bed, and it seems to me I could -hear Jerry talking to himself in his sleep all night. I woke up about -twelve, and he was saying something loud, and I told him to shut the -door, because I could smell that awful sympathetic gin way up-stairs. - -THE DETECTIVE. Yes. - -CHARLOTTE. And that’s all. When I came down next morning at seven, he -was gone. - -THE DETECTIVE [_rising_]. Well, Mrs. Frost, if your man can be located, -I’m going to locate him. - -DORIS. Have you thought of combing the dives? - -THE DETECTIVE. What? - -DORIS. Have you combed the dives? It seems to me that I’d make the -rounds of all the dives, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if you’d see -this man with somebody sitting on his knee. - -THE DETECTIVE [_to Charlotte_]. Does he run to that? - -CHARLOTTE [_hurriedly_]. Oh, no. Oh, no. - -DORIS [_to Charlotte_]. How do you know? - - _A brisk knock at the door. Doris opens it eagerly, admitting a - small, fat, gray-haired man in a state of great indignation._ - -THE DETECTIVE [_to Charlotte_]. Is this the pursued? - -THE MAN [_sternly_]. You are speaking to Mr. Pushing. I employ or did -employ the man who lives in this house. - -CHARLOTTE [_wildly_]. Oh, where is he? - -MR. PUSHING. That’s what I came here to find out. He hasn’t been at work -for a week. I’m going to let him go. - -DORIS. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. He may be dead. - -MR. PUSHING. Dead or alive, he’s fired. I had him analyzed. He didn’t -have any ambition, and my analyzer gave him nothing but a row of -goose-eggs. Bah! - -CHARLOTTE. I don’t care. He’s mine. - -DORIS [_correcting her_]. “Was” mine. - -THE DETECTIVE. Maybe you could tell me something about his habits in -business hours. - -MR. PUSHING. If you’ll come along with me I’ll show you his analyzed -record. We’re having it framed. [_Contemptuously._] Good morning. - - _He goes out. The Detective, after a nod at Charlotte and Doris, - follows him._ - -DORIS. Well, I should think you’d be encouraged. - -CHARLOTTE. Why? - -DORIS. Well, that detective found a fella that’s something like him. The -same first name, anyway. That shows they’re getting warm. - -CHARLOTTE. Somehow it doesn’t encourage me. - - _Uncertain steps on the stairs. Dada appears wearing a battered hat - and carrying a book under his arm._ - -DORIS. Hello, Dada. Where you going? - -DADA [_hearing vague words_]. Hm. - -CHARLOTTE. He’s going down to the library. - -DADA [_in spirited disagreement_]. No. You were wrong that time. I’m not -going to the park. I’m going to the library. - -DORIS [_sternly_]. Where do you think your son is? - -DADA. The----? - -DORIS [_louder_]. Where do you think Jerry is, by this time? - -DADA [_to Charlotte_]. Didn’t you tell me he was away? - - _Charlotte nods drearily._ - -DADA [_placidly_]. Hasn’t come back yet? - -DORIS. No. We’re having the dives combed. - -DADA. Well, don’t worry. I remember I ran away from home once. It was -in 1846. I wanted to go to Philadelphia and see the Zoo. I tried to get -home, but they took me and locked me up. - -DORIS [_to Charlotte_]. In the monkey house, I bet. - -DADA. [_He missed this, thank God!_] Yes, that’s the only time I ever -ran away. - -DORIS. But this is a more serious thing, Dada. - -DADA. Boys will be boys.... Well, it looks like a nice day. - -CHARLOTTE [_to Doris_]. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t even understand what -it’s all about. When the detective searched his bedroom he thought it -was the plumber. - -DORIS. He understands. Sure you do, don’t you, Dada? You understand what -it’s all about, don’t you, Dada? - -DADA [_aggravatingly_]. The----? - -CHARLOTTE. Oh, let him go. He makes me nervous. - -DORIS. Maybe he could think out some place where Jerry’s gone. He’s -supposed to _think_ so much. - -DADA. Well, good afternoon. I think I’ll go down to the library. [_Dada -goes out by the front door._] - -DORIS. Listen, Charlotte. I was going to tell you about Joseph--to get -your mind off yourself, don’t you remember? - -CHARLOTTE. Yes. - -DORIS. I’ve gotten sort of tired of him. Honestly, I ought to get myself -psychoanalyzed. - -CHARLOTTE. Why don’t you throw him over then? You ought to know how by -this time. - -DORIS. Of course, having been unlucky in your own marriageable -experience, you aren’t in a position to judge what I should do. - -CHARLOTTE. Do you love him? - -DORIS. Well, not--not especially. - -CHARLOTTE. Then throw him over. - -DORIS. I would--except for one thing. You see, it’d be sort of hard. - -CHARLOTTE. No, it wouldn’t. - -DORIS. Yes, it would. It wouldn’t be any cinch. - -CHARLOTTE. Why? - -DORIS. Well, you see I’ve been married to him for three days. - -CHARLOTTE [_astounded_]. What! - -DORIS. That isn’t very long, but you see in marriage every day counts. - -CHARLOTTE. Well, then, you can’t throw him over. - -DORIS. It’s next to impossible, I guess. - -CHARLOTTE. Was it a secret marriage? - -DORIS. Yes, there was nobody there but I and Joseph and the fella that -did it. And I’m still living at home. You see, this girl that Joe was -keeping waiting to see whether he was going to marry me or not, got -impatient, and said she couldn’t be kept waiting any longer. It made her -sort of nervous. She couldn’t eat her meals. - -CHARLOTTE. So you got married. And now you’re tired of him. - -DORIS. No, not exactly that, but it just sort of makes me uncomfortable, -Charlotte, to know that you can’t throw over the man you’ve got without -causing a lot of talk. Suppose he took to drink or something. You know -everybody can’t get rid of their husbands as easy as you did. - -CHARLOTTE. One husband was always enough for me. - -DORIS. One may be all right for you, Charlotte, because you’re a -monographist, but supposing Rudolph Valentino, or the Prince of Wales, -or John D. Rockefeller was to walk in here and say: “Doris, I’ve -worshipped you from a distance on account of the picture that you sent -to the fame and fortune contest of the movie magazine, that got left out -by accident or lost or something. Will you marry me?” What would you -say, Charlotte? - -CHARLOTTE. I’d say no. I’d say, give me back Jerry. - -DORIS. Would you let having a husband stand in the way of your life’s -happiness? I tell you I wouldn’t. I’d say to Joe: “You run up to the -store and buy a bag of peanuts and come back in about twenty years.” I -would, Charlotte. If I could marry Douglas Fairbanks I’d get rid of -Joseph in some peaceful way if I _could_--but if I couldn’t I’d give him -some glass cough-drops without a minute’s hesitation. - -CHARLOTTE [_horrified_]. Doris! - -DORIS. And I told Joseph so, too. This marriage business is all right -for narrow-minded people, but I like to be where I can throw over a -fella when it gets to be necessary. - -CHARLOTTE. If you had Jerry you wouldn’t feel that way. - -DORIS. Why, can’t you see, Charlotte, that’s the way Jerry must have -felt? - - _Charlotte, overcome, rises to go._ - -And, Charlotte, I don’t want to depress you, but if he _is_--if it turns -out that he is in the mor--in that place--I know where you can get some -simply _stunning_ mourning for---- - - _Charlotte begins to weep._ - -Why, what’s the matter? I just thought it’d cheer you up to know you -could get it cheap. You’ll have to watch your money, you know. - - _Charlotte hurries from the room._ - -DORIS. I wonder what’s the matter with her. - -JOSEPH FISH [_outside_]. Oh, Doris! - - _Doris goes to the window._ - -DORIS. How did you know I was here? - -FISH [_outside_]. They told me at your house. Can I come in? - -DORIS. Yes, but don’t holler around so. Haven’t you got any respect for -the missing? - - _Fish comes in._ - -FISH. Doris, I’m awfully sorry about---- - -DORIS. Oh, Joseph, haven’t you got any sense? Sitting there last night -everything was perfect, and just when I was feeling sentimental you -began talking about embalming--in the _twi_light. And I was just about -to take out my removable bridge.... - -FISH. I’m sorry.... Have they found your sister’s husband yet? - -DORIS. No. - -FISH. Has he gone away permanently? Or for good? - -DORIS. We don’t know. We’re having the dives combed. Listen, has any one -in your family ever had aphasia? - -FISH. What’s that? - -DORIS. Where you go off and fall in love with girls and don’t know what -you’re doing. - -FISH. I think my uncle had that. - -DORIS. Sort of dazed? - -FISH. Well, sort of. When there was any women around he got sort of -dazed. - -DORIS [_thoughtfully_]. I wonder if you could inherit a thing from your -uncle. [_She removes her gum secretly._] What are you chewing, Joe? - -FISH. Oh, just an old piece of something I found in my mouth. - -DORIS. It’s gum. I thought I asked you not to chew gum. It doesn’t look -clean-cut for a man to be chewing gum. You haven’t got any sense of -what’s nice, Joseph. See here, suppose I was at a reception and went up -to Mrs. Astor or Mrs. Vanderbilt or somebody, like this: [_She replaces -her own gum in her mouth--she needs it for her imitation._] How do you -do, Mrs. Vanderbilt? [_Chew, chew._] What do you think she’d say? Do you -think she’d stand it? Not for a minute. - -FISH. Well, when I start going with Mrs. Vanderbilt will be plenty of -time to stop. - - _From outside is heard the sound of a metallic whistle, a melodious - call in C major._ - -What’s that? - -DORIS. Don’t ask me. - -FISH. It’s pretty. It must be some kind of bird. - - _The whistle is repeated. It is nearer._ - -There it is again. - - _Doris goes to the window._ - -DORIS. It’s only the postman. - -FISH. I never heard a postman with a whistle like that. - -DORIS. He must be a new one on this beat. That’s too bad. The old one -used to give me my mail wherever I met him, even if he was four or five -blocks from my house. - - _The sound again--just outside the door now._ - -I’ll let him in. - - _She goes to the door and opens it. The figure of the new postman - is outlined in the doorway against the morning sky. It is Jerry - Frost._ - - _But for a particular reason neither Doris nor Joseph Fish - recognize him. He is utterly changed. In the gray uniform his once - flabby figure appears firm, erect--even defiant. His chin is - up--the office stoop has gone. When he speaks his voice is full of - confidence, with perhaps a touch of scorn at the conglomerate - weaknesses of humanity._ - -JERRY. Good morning. Would you like some mail? - -DORIS [_taken somewhat aback_]. Why, sure. I guess so. - -JERRY. It’s a nice morning out. You two ought to be out walking. - -FISH [_blankly_]. Huh? - -JERRY. Is this number 2127? If it is, I’ve got a good-looking lot of -mail for you. - -DORIS [_with growing interest_]. What do you mean, a good looking lot of -mail? - -JERRY. What do I _mean_? Why, I mean it’s got variety, of course. -[_Rummaging in his bag._] I got eight letters for you. - -DORIS. Say, you’re new on this beat, aren’t you? - -JERRY. Yes, I’m new but I’m good. [_He produces a handful of letters._] -I’m the best one they ever had. - -FISH. How do you know? Did they tell you? - -JERRY. No, I just feel it. I know my job. I can give any other mailman -stamps and post-cards and beat him with bundles. I’m just naturally -_good_. I don’t know why. - -DORIS. I never heard of a mailman being _good_. - -JERRY. They’re mostly all good. Some professions anybody can get into -them, like business or politics for instance, but you take -postmen--they’re like angels, they sort of pick ’em out. -[_Witheringly._] They not only pick ’em out--they select ’em. - -FISH [_fascinated_]. And you’re the best one. - -JERRY [_modestly_]. Yes, I’m the best one they ever had. [_He looks over -the letters._] Now here’s what I call a clever ad. Delivered a lot of -these this morning. Children like ’em, you know. They’re from the carpet -company. - -FISH. Let’s see it. [_He takes the ad eagerly._] - -JERRY. Isn’t that a nice little thing? And I got two bills for you here. -I’ll hide those, though. Still, maybe you want to clear up all your -accounts. Some people like to get bills. The old lady next door wanted -to get hers. I gave her three and you’d think they were checks. Anyways, -these two don’t look very big, from the outside, anyhow. But of course -you can’t tell from the outside. - -DORIS. Let me see them. - -FISH. Let me see them too. - - _They squabble mildly over the bills._ - -JERRY. The thing is for everybody in the house to write what they guess -is the amount of the bill on the outside of the envelope, and then when -you open the envelope the one who guessed the closest has to pay the -bill. - -FISH. Or he could get a prize. - -JERRY. Something like that. [_He winks at Doris._] And here’s a couple -of post-cards. They’re sort of pretty ones. This one’s--the Union -Station at Buffalo. - -FISH. Let me see it. - -JERRY. And this one says Xmas greetings. It’s four months late. [_To -Doris._] I guess these are for you. - -DORIS. No, they’re for my sister. - -JERRY. Well, I haven’t read what’s written on the back. I never do. I -hope it’s good news. - -DORIS [_inspecting the backs_]. No, they’re from an aunt or something. -Anything else? - -JERRY. Yes, here’s one more. I think it’s one of the neatest letters -I’ve had this morning. Now, isn’t that a cute letter? I call that a cute -letter. [_He weighs it in his hand and smells it._] Smell it. - -DORIS. It does smell good. It’s a perfume ad. - -FISH. Say, that sure does smell good. - -JERRY. Well, I’ve done pretty well by _you_ this morning. Maybe you got -a letter for me. - -DORIS. No, there’s none to-day. - -JERRY. Funny thing: I came near leaving that pink letter with a little -girl down the street who looked as if she needed one pretty bad. I -thought that maybe it was really meant for her, and just had the wrong -name and address on by mistake. It would of tickled her. I get tempted -to leave mail where it really ought to go instead of where it’s -addressed to. Mail ought to go to people who appreciate it. It’s hard on -a postman, especially when he’s the best one they ever had. - -DORIS. I guess it must be. - -FISH. Yeah, it must be tough. - - _They are both obviously fascinated._ - -DORIS. Well, there’s somebody in this house who needs the right letter -something _aw_ful. If you get one that looks as if it might do for her -you could leave it by here. - -JERRY. Is that so? Well, that’s too bad. I’ll certainly keep that in -mind. The next one I think’ll do, I’ll leave it by here. - -DORIS. Thanks. - -JERRY. I’ve got one of these special delivery love-letters for a girl -around the corner, and I want to hurry up and give it to her, so as to -see her grin when she gets it. It’s for Miss Doris---- - -DORIS [_interrupting_]. That’s me. Give it to me now. - -JERRY. Sure. Say, this is lucky. [_He starts to hand it to her._] Say, -listen--why are you like a stenographer? - -DORIS. Me? - -JERRY. Yes. - -DORIS. I don’t know. Why? - -JERRY. Because I say to you, “Take a letter.” - -FISH [_wildly amused_]. Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! - -JERRY [_with some satisfaction_]. That’s a good one, isn’t it? I made -that one up this morning. - -FISH. Ha-ha! Ho-ho! - -DORIS. Joseph, I asked you to have some respect for the missing. [_To -Jerry._] You see there’s a fella missing here and it’s his wife that -needs the letter. - -FISH [_jealously_]. Who’s _your_ letter from? - -DORIS [_reading it_]. It’s from my last fiancé. It says he didn’t mean -to drink the perfume, but the label was off the bottle and he thought it -was bay rum. - -FISH. My God! Will you forgive him? - -JERRY. Don’t worry, my boy. Bay rum or perfume, he killed her love with -the first swallow. [_He goes toward the door._] Good-by. I’ll try to -find that letter for the lady here that needs it so bad. - -DORIS. Good-by--and thanks. - -FISH. Let me open the door. - - _He opens the door. Jerry goes out. Doris and Fish stare at each - other._ - -DORIS. Isn’t he wonderful? - -FISH. He’s a peach of a fella, but---- - -DORIS. I know what you’re going to say; that you’ve seen him somewhere -before. - -FISH. I’m trying to think where. Maybe he’s been in the movies. - -DORIS. I think it’s that he looks like some fella I was engaged to once. - -FISH. He’s _some_ mailman. - -DORIS. The nicest one I ever saw. Isn’t he for you? - -FISH. By far. Say, Charlie Chaplin’s down at the Bijou. - -DORIS. I don’t like him. I think he’s vulgar. Let’s go and see if -there’s anything artistic. - - _Fish makes an indistinguishable frightened noise._ - -DORIS. What’s the matter? - -FISH. I’ve swallowed my gum. - -DORIS. It ought to teach you a moral. - - _They go out. Charlotte comes in drearily. She glances first - eagerly, then listlessly at the letters and throws them aside._ - - _Clin-ng! The door-bell. She starts violently, runs to open it. It - is that astounding product of our constitution, Mr. Snooks._ - -CHARLOTTE [_in horror_]. Oh, what do you want? - -SNOOKS [_affably_]. Good morning, lady. Is your husband around? - -CHARLOTTE. No. What have you done with him, you beast! - -SNOOKS [_surprised_]. Say, what’s biting you, lady? - -CHARLOTTE. My husband was all right until you came here with that -poison! What have you done with him? Where is he? What did you give him -to drink? Tell me, or I’ll scream for the police! Tell me! Tell me! - -SNOOKS. Lady, I ain’t seen your husband. - -CHARLOTTE. You lie! You know my husband has run away. - -SNOOKS [_interested_]. Say now, has he? I had a hunch he would, sooner -or later. - -CHARLOTTE. You made him. You told him to, that night, after I went out -of the room! You suggested it to him. He’d never have thought of it. - -SNOOKS. Lady, you got me wrong. - -CHARLOTTE. Then where is he? If I’m wrong, find him. - -SNOOKS [_after a short consideration_]. Have you tried the morgue? - -CHARLOTTE. Oh-h-h! Don’t say that word! - -SNOOKS. Oh, he ain’t in the morgue. Probably some Jane’s got hold of -him. She’ll send him home when she gets all his dough. - -CHARLOTTE. He isn’t a brute like you. He’s been kidnapped. - -SNOOKS. Maybe he’s joined the Marine Corpse.... Howsoever, if he ain’t -here I guess I’ll be movin’ on. - -CHARLOTTE. What do you want of him now? Do you want to sell him some -more wood alcohol? - -SNOOKS. Lady, I don’t handle no wood alcohol. But I found a way of -getting the grain alcohol out of iodine an’ practically eliminatin’ the -poison. Just leaves a faint brownish tinge. - -CHARLOTTE. Go away. - -SNOOKS. All right. I’ll beat it. - - _So he beats it._ - - _Charlotte’s getting desperate from such encounters. With gathering - nervousness she wanders about the room, almost collapsing when she - comes upon one of Jerry’s coats hanging behind a door. Scarcely - aware of what she’s doing, she puts on the coat and buttons it - close, as if imagining that Jerry is holding her to him in the - brief and half-forgotten season of their honeymoon._ - - _Outside a storm is come up. It has grown dark suddenly, and a - faint drum of thunder lengthens into a cataract of doom. A louder - rolling now and a great snake of lightning in the sky. Charlotte, - lonesome and frightened, hurriedly closes the windows. Then, in - sudden panic, she runs to the ’phone._ - -CHARLOTTE. Summit 3253.... Hello, this is me. This is Charlotte.... Is -Doris there? Do you know where she is?... Well, if she comes in tell her -to run over. Everything’s getting dark and I’m frightened.... Yes, -_may_be somebody’ll come in, but _no_body goes out in a storm like this. -Even the policeman on the corner has gotten under a tree.... Well, I’ll -be all right. I’m just lonesome, I guess, and scared.... Good-by. - - _She rings off and stands silently by the table. The storm reaches - its height. Simultaneously with a terrific burst of thunder that - sets the windows rattling the front door blows open suddenly, - letting in a heavy gust of rain._ - - _Charlotte is on the verge of hysterics._ - - _Then there is a whistle outside--the bright, mellow whistle of the - postman. She springs up, clasping her hands together. Jerry comes - in, covered with a rain cape dripping water. The hood of the cape - partially conceals his face._ - -JERRY [_cheerfully_]. Well, it certainly is a rotten day. - -CHARLOTTE [_starting at the voice_]. It’s awful. - -JERRY. But I heard there was a lady here that was expecting a letter, -and I had one that I thought’d do, so no rain or anything could keep me -from delivering it. - -CHARLOTTE [_greedily_]. A letter for me? Let me have it. - - _He hands it to her and she tears it open._ - -It’s from Jerry! - - _She reads it quickly._ - -JERRY. Is it what you wanted? - -CHARLOTTE [_aloud, but to herself_]. It doesn’t say where he is. It just -says that he’s well and comfortable. And that he’s doing what he wants -to do and what he’s got to do. And he says that doing his work makes him -happy. [_With suspicion._] I wonder if he’s in some dive.... If I wrote -him a letter do you think you could find him with it, Mr. Postman? - -JERRY. Yes, I can find him. - -CHARLOTTE. I want to tell him that if he’ll come home I won’t nag him -any more, that I won’t try to change him, and that I won’t fuss at him -for being poor. - -JERRY. I’ll tell him that. - -CHARLOTTE [_again talking to herself_]. I was trying to nag him _into_ -something, I guess. Before we were married I always thought there must -be some sort of mysterious brave things he did when he wasn’t with me. I -thought that maybe sometimes he’d sneak away to hunt bears. But when -he’d sneak away it was just to roll dice for cigars down at the corner. -It wasn’t forests--it was just--toothpicks. - -JERRY. Suppose that he was nothing but a postman now--like me. - -CHARLOTTE. I’ll be proud of him if he’s a postman, because I know he -always wanted to be one. He’d be the best postman in the world and -there’s something kind of exciting about being the best. It wasn’t so -much that I wanted him to be rich, I guess, but I wanted him to do -something he wouldn’t always be beat at. I was sort of glad he got drunk -that night. It was about the first exciting thing he ever did. - -JERRY. You never would of told him that. - -CHARLOTTE [_stiffening_]. I should say I wouldn’t of. - - _Jerry rises._ - -JERRY. I’ll try to get him here at six o’clock. - -CHARLOTTE. I’ll be waiting. [_Quickly._] Tell him to stop by a store and -get some rubbers. - -JERRY. I’ll tell him. Good-by. - -CHARLOTTE. Good-by. - - _Jerry goes out into the rain, Charlotte sits down and bows her - head upon the table._ - - _Again there are steps on the porch. This time it is Dada, who - comes in, closing a dripping umbrella._ - -DADA [_as one who has passed through a great crisis_]. I borrowed an -umbrella from a man at the library. - -CHARLOTTE [_in a muffled voice_]. Jerry’s coming back. - -DADA. Is he? A man at the library was kind enough to lend me his -umbrella. [_He goes over to the bookcase and begins an unsuccessful -search for the Scriptures. Plaintively_]. Some one has hidden my Bible. - -CHARLOTTE. In the second shelf. - - _He finds it. As he pulls it from its place, several other books - come with it and tumble to the floor. After a glance at Charlotte, - he kicks them under the bookcase. Then, with his Bible under his - arm, he starts for the stairs, but is attracted by something bright - on the first stair, and attempts, unsuccessfully, to pick it up._ - -DADA. Hello, here’s a nail that looks like a ten-cent piece. - - _He goes up-stairs. When he is half-way up, there is a sound as if - he had slipped back a notch, then silence._ - -CHARLOTTE [_raising her head_]. Are you all right, Dada? - - _No answer. Dada is heard to resume his climb._ - -Oh, if I could only sleep till six o’clock! - - _The storm has blown away, and the sun is out and streaming in the - window, washing the ragged carpet with light. From the street there - comes once again, faint now and far away, the mellow note of the - postman’s whistle._ - -CHARLOTTE [_lifting her arms rapturously_]. The best postman in the -world! - - - CURTAIN - - * * * * * - - _By F. Scott Fitzgerald_ - - - The Beautiful and Damned - -“‘The Beautiful and Damned’ confirms the impression made by his first -novel, ‘This Side of Paradise,’ that of the younger American novelists -he has the greatest natural talent. He has romance and imagination and a -gaiety unknown to most of the young moderns, who on the whole take a -sorry view of life; he is not darkly and deeply engaged with the sacred -mysteries of Eros; he has apparently a great facility in writing, and -often beauty and felicity of expression. But, above all, he is able to -tell a story, and does not need to resort to the strange substitutes -that often pass for fiction-writing nowadays.” - --N. P. DAWSON in the _New York Globe_. - -“No finer study of the relations between boy husband and girl wife has -been given us in American fiction.” - --HENRY SEIDEL CANBY in the _Literary Review_, - _N. Y. Evening Post_. - - - This Side of Paradise - -“A very enlivening book, indeed; a book really brilliant and glamorous, -making as agreeable reading as could be asked.”--_New York Evening -Post._ - -“The glorious spirit of abounding youth glows throughout this -fascinating tale.... It could have been written only by an artist who -knows how to balance his values, plus a delightful literary -style.”--_New York Times._ - -“It is abundantly worth while; it is delightful, consciously and -unconsciously, amusing, keenly and diversely interesting; cracking good -stuff to read, in short.” - --_New York Sun._ - - - CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS - - * * * * * - - _By F. Scott Fitzgerald_ - - - Tales of the Jazz Age - -This collection of the author’s most recent shorter writings includes: - - THE JELLY-BEAN - THE CAMEL’S BACK - O RUSSET WITCH! - PORCELAIN AND PINK - THE DIAMOND AS BIG AS THE RITZ - THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON - TARQUIN OF CHEAPSIDE - THE LEES OF HAPPINESS - MAY DAY - MR. ICKY - JEMINA - - - Flappers and Philosophers - - An earlier volume of stories, containing: - - THE OFF SHORE PIRATE - THE ICE PALACE - HEAD AND SHOULDERS - THE CUT-GLASS BOWL - BERNICE BOBS HER HAIR - BENEDICTION - DALYRIMPLE GOES WRONG - THE FOUR FISTS - -“He is a story-teller with a courage of his own, and such story-tellers -are rare even in the midst of the modern quest for -unconventionality.”--_Boston Transcript._ - -“His eight short stories range the gamut of style and mood with a -brilliance, a jeu perle, so to speak, not to be found in the -novel.”--_New York Times._ - - -CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Vegetable, or From President to -Postman, by F. Scott Fitzgerald - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VEGETABLE *** - -***** This file should be named 60962-0.txt or 60962-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/6/60962/ - -Produced by Mary Glenn Krause Chuck Greif and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from images made available by the -HathiTrust Digital Library.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, -set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to -copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to -protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project -Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you -charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you -do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the -rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose -such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and -research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do -practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is -subject to the trademark license, especially commercial -redistribution. - - - -*** START: FULL LICENSE *** - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at -http://gutenberg.org/license). - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy -all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. -If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" -or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the -collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from -copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative -works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg -are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project -Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by -freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of -this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with -the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by -keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project -Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate -access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently -whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, -copied or distributed: - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived -from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is -posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied -and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees -or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work -with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the -work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 -through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional -terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked -to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the -permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), -you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a -copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon -request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other -form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided -that - -- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is - owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he - has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the - Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments - must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you - prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax - returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and - sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the - address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to - the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." - -- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or - destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium - and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of - Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any - money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days - of receipt of the work. - -- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set -forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from -both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm -collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain -"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or -corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual -property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a -computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by -your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need, are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. -To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation -and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 -and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at -http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent -permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. -Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at -809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email -business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact -information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official -page at http://pglaf.org - -For additional contact information: - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To -SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any -particular state visit http://pglaf.org - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. -To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic -works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. -unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily -keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. - - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |