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| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-01-27 18:42:19 -0800 |
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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-01-27 18:42:19 -0800 |
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diff --git a/old/60962-h/60962-h.htm b/old/60962-h/60962-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 90c61fa..0000000 --- a/old/60962-h/60962-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,5078 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" -"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> - -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en" xml:lang="en"> - <head> <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> -<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> -<title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Vegetable, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. -</title> -<link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> -<style type="text/css"> - p {margin-top:.5em;text-align:justify;margin-bottom:.5em;text-indent:3%;} - -.c {text-align:center;text-indent:0%;} - -.cb {text-align:center;text-indent:0%;font-weight:bold;} - -.cbig {text-align:center;text-indent:0%;font-weight:bold; -font-size:200%;} - -.fint {text-align:center;text-indent:0%; -margin-top:2em;} - -.lftspc {margin-left:.25em;} - -.r {text-align:right;margin-right: 5%;} - -small {font-size: 70%;} - -big {font-size: 130%;} - - h1 {margin-top:5%;text-align:center;clear:both; -font-weight:normal;} - - h2 {margin-top:4%;margin-bottom:2%;text-align:center;clear:both; - font-size:110%;font-weight:normal;} - - hr {width:100%;margin:2em auto 2em auto;clear:both;color:black;} - -hr.dbl {width: 90%;margin:.2% auto .2% auto;border-top:3px solid black; -padding:.1em;border-bottom:3px solid black;border-left:none;border-right:none;} - - hr.full {width: 60%;margin:2% auto 2% auto;border-top:1px solid black; -padding:.1em;border-bottom:1px solid black;border-left:none;border-right:none;} - - table {margin-top:2%;margin-bottom:2%;margin-left:auto;margin-right:auto;border:none;} - - body{margin-left:4%;margin-right:6%;background:#ffffff;color:black;font-family:"Times New Roman", serif;font-size:medium;} - -a:link {background-color:#ffffff;color:blue;text-decoration:none;} - - link {background-color:#ffffff;color:blue;text-decoration:none;} - -a:visited {background-color:#ffffff;color:purple;text-decoration:none;} - -a:hover {background-color:#ffffff;color:#FF0000;text-decoration:underline;} - -.smcap {font-variant:small-caps;font-size:100%;} - - img {border:none;} - -.blockquot {margin-top:2%;margin-bottom:2%;} -.blockquot p{margin-left:10%;text-indent:-4%;} - -.blockquott {margin-top:1%;margin-bottom:1%;} -.blockquott p{margin-left:4%;} - -.boxx {border:solid 2px black;padding:1em; -margin:auto auto;max-width:20em;} -.boxxx {border:solid 2px black;padding:1em;} - -div.poetry {text-align:center;} -div.poem {font-size:100%;margin:auto auto;text-indent:0%; -display: inline-block; text-align: left;} -.poem .stanza {margin-top: 1em;margin-bottom:1em;} -.poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} -.poem span.i1 {display: block; margin-left: .45em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} -.poem span.i6 {display: block; margin-left: 6em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} - -.pagenum {font-style:normal;position:absolute; -left:95%;font-size:55%;text-align:right;color:gray; -background-color:#ffffff;font-variant:normal;font-style:normal;font-weight:normal;text-decoration:none;text-indent:0em;} -@media print, handheld -{.pagenum - {display: none;} - } -</style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Vegetable, or From President to Postman, by -F. Scott Fitzgerald - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Vegetable, or From President to Postman - -Author: F. Scott Fitzgerald - -Release Date: December 19, 2019 [EBook #60962] -Last updated: January 15, 2020 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE VEGETABLE *** - - - - -Produced by Mary Glenn Krause Chuck Greif and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -book was produced from images made available by the -HathiTrust Digital Library.) - - - - - - -</pre> - -<hr class="full" /> - -<p class="c"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="500" height="700" alt="" title="" /> -</p> - -<p class="c">BY F. SCOTT FITZGERALD</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary=""> -<tr><td align="left">Novels</td></tr> -<tr><td> THIS SIDE OF PARADISE</td></tr> -<tr><td> THE BEAUTIFUL AND DAMNED</td></tr> -<tr><td>Stories</td></tr> -<tr><td> FLAPPERS AND PHILOSOPHERS</td></tr> -<tr><td> TALES OF THE JAZZ AGE</td></tr> -<tr><td>And a Comedy</td></tr> -<tr><td> THE VEGETABLE</td></tr> -</table> - -<p class="cb">THE VEGETABLE</p> - -<div class="boxx"> -<div class="boxxx"> -<h1>THE VEGETABLE<br /> -<small><small>or<br /> -from President to postman</small></small></h1> - -<hr /> -<p class="c"> -By<br /><big> -F. SCOTT FITZGERALD</big><br /> -</p> - -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“<i>Any man who doesn’t want to get on in the</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>world, to make a million dollars, and maybe even</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>park his toothbrush in White House, hasn’t</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>got as much to him as a good dog has—he’s</i><br /></span> -<span class="i0"><i>nothing more or less than a vegetable.</i>”<br /></span> -</div><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i6">—<i>From a Current Magazine.</i><br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p class="c"> -NEW YORK<br /> CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS<br /> 1923<br /> -<br /></p> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="c"><small><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1923, by</span> <br /> -CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS<br /> -——<br /> -Printed in the United States of America<br /> -——<br /> -Published April, 1923<br /></small> -</p> - -<p class="c"> -<br /> -<img src="images/i_005.jpg" -width="90" -alt="" /> -<br /> -<br /> -<br /> -TO <span class="smcap">KATHERINE TIGHE and EDMUND WILSON, Jr.</span><br /> -<br /> -WHO DELETED MANY ABSURDITIES<br /> -FROM MY FIRST TWO NOVELS I RECOMMEND<br /> -THE ABSURDITIES SET DOWN HERE<br /> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_1" id="page_1">{1}</a></span> </p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" summary="" -style="border:3px solid gray;"> -<tr><td class="c"><a href="#ACT_I">ACT I</a><br /> -<a href="#ACT_II">ACT II</a><br /> -<a href="#ACT_III">ACT III</a></td></tr> -</table> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_2" id="page_2">{2}</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_3" id="page_3">{3}</a></span> </p> - -<p class="cb">THE VEGETABLE</p> - -<h2><a name="ACT_I" id="ACT_I"></a>ACT I</h2> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>This is the “living” room of Jerry Frost’s house. It is evening. -The room (and, by implication, the house) is small and stuffy—it’s -an awful bother to raise these old-fashioned windows; some of them -stick, and besides it’s extravagant to let in much cold air, here -in the middle of March. I can’t say much for the furniture, either. -Some of it’s instalment stuff, imitation leather with the grain -painted on as an after-effect, and some of it’s dingily, -depressingly old. That bookcase held “Ben Hur” when it was a -best-seller, and it’s now trying to digest “A Library of the -World’s Best Literature” and the “Wit and Humor of the United -States in Six Volumes.” That couch would be dangerous to sit upon -without a map showing the location of all craters, hillocks, and -thistle-patches. And three dead but shamefully unburied clocks -stare eyelessly before them from their perches around the walls.</i></p> - -<p><i>Those walls—God! The history of American photography hangs upon -them. Photographs of children with<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_4" id="page_4">{4}</a></span> puffed dresses and depressing -leers, taken in the Fauntleroy nineties, of babies with toothless -mouths and idiotic eyes, of young men with the hair cuts of ’85 and -’90 and ’02, and with neckties that loop, hoist, snag, or flare in -conformity to some esoteric, antiquated standard of middle-class -dandyism. And the girls! You’d have to laugh at the girls! -Imitation Gibson girls, mostly; you can trace their histories -around the room, as each of them withered and stated. Here’s one in -the look-at-her-little-toes-aren’t-they-darling period, and here -she is later when she was a little bother of ten. Look! This is the -way she was when she was after a husband. She might be worse. -There’s a certain young charm or something, but in the next picture -you can see what five years of general housework have done to her. -You wouldn’t turn your eyes half a degree to watch her in the -street. And that was taken six years ago—now she’s thirty and -already an old woman.</i></p> - -<p><i>You’ve guessed it. That last one, allowing for the photographer’s -kind erasure of a few lines, is Mrs. Jerry Frost. If you listen for -a minute, you’ll hear her, too.</i></p> - -<p><i>But wait. Against my will, I’ll have to tell you a few sordid -details about the room. There’s got to be a door in plain sight -that leads directly outdoors, and then there are two other doors, -one to the dining-room and one<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_5" id="page_5">{5}</a></span> to the second floor—you can see -the beginning of the stairs. Then there’s a window somewhere that’s -used in the last act. I hate to mention these things, but they’re -part of the plot.</i></p> - -<p><i>Now you see when the curtain went up, Jerry Frost had left the -little Victrola playing and wandered off to the cellar or -somewhere, and Mrs. Jerry (you can call her Charlotte) hears it -from where she is up-stairs. Listen!</i></p></div> - -<p>“Some little bug is going to find you, so-o-ome day!”</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>That’s her. She hasn’t got much of a voice, has she? And she will -sing one key higher than the Victrola. And now the darn Victrola’s -running down and giving off a ghastly minor discord like the death -agony of a human being.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> [<i>She’s up-stairs, remember.</i>] Jerry, wind up the -graphophone.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>There’s no answer.</i></p></div> - -<p>Jer-ry!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Still no answer.</i></p></div> - -<p>Jerry, wind up the graphophone. It isn’t good for it.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Yet again no answer.</i></p></div> - -<p>All right— [<i>smugly</i>]—if you want to ruin it, <i>I</i> don’t care.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_6" id="page_6">{6}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The phonograph whines, groans, gags, and dies, and almost -simultaneously with its last feeble gesture a man comes into the -room, saying: “What?” He receives no answer. It is Jerry Frost, in -whose home we are.</i></p> - -<p><i>Jerry Frost is thirty-five. He is a clerk for the railroad at -$3,000 a year. He possesses no eyebrows, but nevertheless he -constantly tries to knit them. His lips are faintly pursed at all -times, as though about to emit an enormous opinion upon some matter -of great importance.</i></p> - -<p><i>On the wall there is a photograph of him at twenty-seven—just -before he married. Those were the days of his high yellow -pompadour. That is gone now, faded like the rest of him into a -docile pattern without grace or humor.</i></p> - -<p><i>After his mysterious and unanswered “What?” Jerry stares at the -carpet, surely not in æsthetic approval, and becomes engrossed in -his lack of thoughts. Suddenly he gives a twitch and tries to reach -with his hand some delicious sector of his back. He can almost -reach it, but not quite—poor man!—so he goes to the mantelpiece -and rubs his back gently, pleasingly, against it, meanwhile keeping -his glance focussed darkly upon the carpet.</i><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_7" id="page_7">{7}</a></span></p> - -<p><i>He is finished. He is at physical ease again. He leans over the -table—did I say there was a table?—and turns the pages of a -magazine, yawning meanwhile and tentatively beginning a slow clog -step with his feet. Presently this distracts him from the magazine, -and he looks apathetically at his feet. Then suddenly he sits in a -chair and begins to sing, unmusically, and with faint interest, a -piece which is possibly his own composition. The tune varies -considerably, but the words have an indisputable consistency, as -they are composed wholly of the phrase: “Everybody is there, -everybody is there!</i>”</p> - -<p><i>He is a motion-picture of tremendous, unconscious boredom.</i></p> - -<p><i>Suddenly he gives out a harsh, bark-like sound and raises his hand -swiftly, as though he were addressing an audience. This fails to -amuse him; the arm falters, strays lower—— </i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Char-<i>lit</i>! Have you got the Saturday Evening Post?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>There is no reply.</i></p></div> - -<p>Char-<i>lit</i>!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Still no reply.</i></p></div> - -<p>Char-<i>lit</i>!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_8" id="page_8">{8}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>with syrupy recrimination</i>]. You didn’t bother to answer me, -so I don’t think I should bother to answer you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>indignant, incredulous</i>]. Answer you what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You know what I mean.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I mos’ certainly do not.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I asked you to wind up the graphophone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>glancing at it indignantly</i>]. The phonograph?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Yes, the graphophone!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> It’s the first time I knew it. [<i>He is utterly disgusted. He -starts to speak several times, but each time he hesitates. Disgust -settles upon his face, in a heavy pall. Then he remembers his original -question.</i>] Have you got the Saturday Evening Post?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> <i>Yes</i>, I told you!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You did not tell me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I can’t help it if you’re deaf!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Deaf? Who’s deaf? [<i>After a pause.</i>] No more deaf than you are. -[<i>After another pause.</i>] Not half as much.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Don’t talk so loud—you’ll wake the people next door.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>incredulously</i>]. The people next door!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You heard me!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_9" id="page_9">{9}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry is beaten, and taking it very badly. He is beginning to -brood when the telephone rings. He answers it.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span>. Hello!... [<i>With recognition and rising interest.</i>] Oh, -hell<i>o</i>.... Did you get the stuff.... Just one gallon is all I want.... -No, I can’t use more than one gallon.... [<i>He looks around -thoughtfully.</i>] Yes, I suppose so, but I’d rather have you mix it before -you bring it.... Well, about nine o’clock, then. [<i>He rings off, gleeful -now, smiling. Then sudden worry, and the hairless eyebrows knit -together. He takes a note-book out of his pocket, lays it open before -him, and picks up the receiver.</i>] Midway 9191.... Yes.... Hello, is this -Mr.—Mr. S-n-o-o-k-s’s residence?... Hello, is this Mr. S-n-o-o-k-s’s -residence?... [<i>Very distinctly.</i>] Mr. Snukes or Snooks.... Mr. S-n-, -the boo—the fella that gets <i>stuff</i>, hooch ... h-o-o-c-h.... No, Snukes -or Snooks is the man I want.... Oh. Why, a fella down-town gave me your -husband’s name and he called me up—at least, I called him up first, and -then he called me up just now—see?... You see? Hello—is this—am I -talking to the wife of the—of the—of the fella that gets <i>stuff</i> for -you? The b-o-o-t-l-e-g-g-e-r? Oh, you know, the bootlegger. [<i>He -breathes hard after this word. Do you suppose Central will tell on -him?</i>] ... Oh. Well, you see, I wanted to tell him when he comes -to-night to come to the back door.... No, Hooch is<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_10" id="page_10">{10}</a></span> not my name. My name -is Frost. 2127 Osceola Avenue.... Oh, he’s left already? Oh, all right. -Thanks.... Well, good-by.... Well, good-by ... good-by. [<i>He rings off. -Again his hairless brows are knit with worry.</i>] Char-lit!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>abstractedly</i>]. Yes?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Charlit, if you want to read a good story, read the one about the -fella who gets shipwrecked on the Buzzard Islands and meets the Chinese -girl, only she isn’t a Chinese girl at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>she’s still up-stairs, remember</i>]. What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> There’s one story in there—are you reading the Saturday Evening -Post?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I would be if you didn’t interrupt me every minute.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’m not. I just wanted to tell you there’s one story in there -about a Chinese girl who gets wrecked on the Buzzard Islands that isn’t -a Chinese——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, let up, for heaven’s sakes! Don’t nag me.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Clin-n-ng! That’s the door-bell.</i></p></div> - -<p>There’s the door-bell.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with fine sarcasm]</i>. Oh, really? Why, I thought it was a -cow-bell.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>witheringly</i>]. Ha-ha!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_11" id="page_11">{11}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Well, he’s gone to the door. He opens it, mumbles something, -closes it. Now he’s back.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> It wasn’t anybody.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> It must have been.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> It couldn’t have rung itself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jenny</span> [<i>in disgust</i>]. Oh, gosh, you think that’s funny. [<i>After a -pause.</i>] It was a man who wanted 2145. I told him this was 2127, so he -went away.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Charlotte is now audibly descending a crickety flight of stairs, -and here she is! She’s thirty, and old for her age, just like I -told you, shapeless, slack-cheeked, but still defiant. She would -fiercely resent the statement that her attractions have declined -ninety per cent since her marriage, and in the same breath she -would assume that there was a responsibility and shoulder it on her -husband. She talks in a pessimistic whine and, with a sort of dowdy -egotism, considers herself generally in the right. Frankly, I don’t -like her, though she can’t help being what she is.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I thought you were going to the Republican Convention down at -the Auditorium.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, I am. [<i>But he remembers the b-o-o—.</i>] No, I can’t.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_12" id="page_12">{12}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, then, for heaven’s sakes don’t spend the evening -sitting here and nagging me. I’m nervous enough as it is.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>They both sit. She produces a basket of sewing, selects a man’s -nightshirt and begins, apparently, to rip it to pieces. Meanwhile -Jerry, who has picked up a magazine, regards her out of the corner -of his eye. During the first rip he starts to speak, and again -during the second rip, but each time he restrains himself with a -perceptible effort.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What are you tearing that up for?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. Just for fun.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Why don’t you tear up one of your own?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>exasperated</i>]. Oh, I know what I’m doing. For heaven’s -sakes, don’t <i>n-a-a-ag</i> me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>feebly</i>]. Well, I just asked you. [<i>A long pause.</i>] Well, I got -analyzed to-day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I got analyzed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What’s that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I got analyzed by an expert analyzer. Everybody down at the -Railroad Company got analyzed. [<i>Rather importantly.</i>] They got a chart -about me that long. [<i>He expresses two feet with his hands.</i>] Say— [<i>He -rises suddenly and goes up close to her.</i>] What color my eyes?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_13" id="page_13">{13}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Don’t ask me. Sort of brown, I guess.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Brown? That’s what I told ’em. But they got me down for blue.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What was it all about? Did they pay you anything for it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Pay me anything? Of course not. It was for my benefit. It’ll do -me a lot of good. I was <i>analyzed</i>, can’t you understand? They found out -a lot of stuff about me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>dropping her work in horror</i>]. Do you think you’ll lose your -job?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in disgust</i>]. A lot you know about business methods. Don’t you -ever read “Efficiency” or the “Systematic Weekly”? It’s a sort of -examination.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, I know. When they feel all the bumps on your head.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, not like that at all. They ask you questions, see?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, you needn’t be so cross about it.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>He hasn’t been cross.</i></p></div> - -<p>I hope you had the spunk to tell them you thought you deserved a better -position than you’ve got.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> They didn’t ask me things like that. It was up-stairs in one of -the private offices. First the character analyzer looked at me sort of -hard and said “Sit down!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_14" id="page_14">{14}</a></span>”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Did you sit down?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Sure; the thing is to do what they tell you. Well, then the -character analyzer asked me my name and whether I was married.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>suspiciously</i>]. What did you tell her?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, it was a man. I told him yes, of course. What do you think I -am?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, did he ask you anything else about me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No. He asked me what it was my ambition to be, and I said I -didn’t have any ambition left, and then I said, “Do you mean when I was -a kid?” And he said, “All right, what did you want to do then?” And I -said “Postman,” and he said, “What sort of a job would you like to get -now?” and I said, “Well, what have you got to offer?”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Did he offer you a job?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, he was just kidding, I guess. Well, then, he asked me if I’d -ever done any studying at home to fit me for a higher position, and I -said, “Sure,” and he said, “What?” and I couldn’t think of anything -off-hand, so I told him I took music lessons. He said no, he meant about -railroads, and I said they worked me so hard that when I got home at -night I never want to hear about railroads again.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Was that all?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_15" id="page_15">{15}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, there were some more questions. He asked me if I’d ever been -in jail.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What did you tell him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I told him “no,” of course.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He probably didn’t believe you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, he asked me a few more things, and then he let me go. I -think I got away with it all right. At least he didn’t give me any black -marks on my chart—just a lot of little circles.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, you got away with it “all right.” That’s all you care. -You got away with it. Satisfied with nothing. Why didn’t you talk right -up to him: “See here, I don’t see why I shouldn’t get more money.” -That’s what you’d have ought to said. He’d of respected you more in the -end.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>gloomily</i>]. I did have ambitions once.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Ambition to do what? To be a postman. That was a fine -ambition for a fella twenty-two years old. And you’d have been one if -I’d let you. The only other ambition you ever had was to marry me. And -that didn’t last long.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I know it didn’t. It lasted one month too long, though.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>A mutual glare here—let’s not look.</i></p></div> - -<p>And I’ve had other ambitions since then—don’t you worry.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_16" id="page_16">{16}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>scornfully</i>]. What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, that’s all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What, though? I’d like to know what. To win five dollars -playing dice in a cigar store?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Never you mind. Don’t you worry. Don’t you fret. It’s all right, -see?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You’re afraid to tell me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, I’m not. Don’t you worry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Yes, you are.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> All right then. If you want to know, I had an ambition to be -President of the United States.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>laughing</i>]. Ho—<i>ho</i>—ho—<i>ho</i>!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry is pretending to be interested only in sucking his -teeth—but you can see that he is both sorry he made his admission -and increasingly aware that his wife is being unpleasant.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> But you decided to give that up, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Sure. I gave up everything when I got married.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Even gave up being a postman, eh? That’s right. Blame it all -on me! Why, if it hadn’t been for me you wouldn’t even be what you -are—a fifty-dollar-a-week clerk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> That’s right. I’m only a fifty-dollar-a-week clerk. But you’re -only a thirty-dollar-a-week wife.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_17" id="page_17">{17}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, I am, am I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I made a big mistake when I married you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Stop talking like that! I wish you were dead—dead and -buried—cremated! Then I could have some fun.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Where—in the poorhouse?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> That’s where I’d be, I know.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Charlotte is not really very angry. She is merely smug and -self-satisfied, you see, and is only mildly annoyed at this -unexpected resistance to her brow-beating. She knows that Jerry -will always stay and slave for her. She has begun this row as a -sort of vaudeville to assuage her nightly boredom.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why didn’t you think of these things before we got married?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I did, a couple of times, but you had me all signed up then.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The sound of uncertain steps creaking down the second floor. Into -the room at a wavering gait comes Jerry’s father, Horatio—“Dada.”</i></p> - -<p><i>Dada was born in 1834, and will never see eighty-eight again—in -fact, his gathering blindness prevented him from seeing it very -clearly in the first place. Originally he was probably Jerry’s -superior in initiative, but he did not prosper, and during the<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_18" id="page_18">{18}</a></span> -past twenty years his mind has been steadily failing. A Civil War -pension has kept him quasi-independent, and he looks down as from a -great dim height upon Jerry (whom he thinks of as an adolescent) -and Charlotte (whom he rather dislikes). Never given to reading in -his youth, he has lately become absorbed in the Old Testament and -in all Old Testament literature, over which he burrows every day in -the Public Library.</i></p> - -<p><i>In person he is a small, shrivelled man with a great amount of -hair on his face, which gives him an unmistakable resemblance to a -French poodle. The fact that he is almost blind and even more -nearly deaf contributes to his aloof, judicial pose, and to the -prevailing impression that something grave and thoughtful and -important is going on back of those faded, vacant eyes. This -conception is entirely erroneous. Half the time his mind is a -vacuum, in which confused clots of information and misinformation -drift and stir—the rest of the time he broods upon the minute -details of his daily existence. He is too old, even, for the petty -spites which represent to the aged the single gesture of vitality -they can make against the ever-increasing pressure of life and -youth.</i></p> - -<p><i>When he enters the room he looks neither to left nor right, but -with his head shaking faintly and his<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_19" id="page_19">{19}</a></span> mouth moving in a shorter -vibration, makes directly for the bookcase.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Hello, Dada.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Dada does not hear.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>louder</i>]. Looking for the Bible, Dada?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> [<i>He has reached the bookcase, and he turns around stiffly.</i>] I’m -not deaf, sir.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> [<i>Let’s draw the old man out.</i>] Who do you think will be -nominated for President, Dada?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>trying to pretend he has just missed one word</i>]. The——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>louder</i>]. Who do you think’ll be nominated for President, -to-night?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I should say that Lincoln was our greatest President. [<i>He turns -back to the bookcase with an air of having settled a trivial question -for all time.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I mean to-night. They’re getting a new one. Don’t you read the -papers?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>who has heard only a faint murmur</i>]. Hm.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You <i>know</i> he never reads anything but the Bible. Why do you -nag him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> He reads the encyclopædia at the Public Library. [<i>With a rush of -public spirit.</i>] If he’d just read the newspapers he’d know what was -going on and<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_20" id="page_20">{20}</a></span> have something to talk about. He just sits around and -never says anything.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> At least he doesn’t gabble his head off all day. He’s got -sense enough not to do that <i>any</i>way, haven’t you, Dada?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Dada does not answer.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Lookit here, Charlit. I don’t call it gabbling if I meet a man in -the street and he says, “Well, I see somebody was nominated for -President,” and I say, “Yes, I see saw—see so.” Suppose I said, “Yes, -Lincoln was our greatest President.” He’d say, “Why, if that fella isn’t -a piece of cheese I never saw a piece of cheese.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>turning about plaintively</i>]. Some one has taken my Bible.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, there it is on the second shelf, Dada.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> [<i>He doesn’t hear.</i>] I don’t like people moving it around.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Nobody moved it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> My old mother used to say to me, “Horatio—” [<i>He brings this word -out with an impressive roundness, but as his eye, at that moment, -catches sight of the Bible, he loses track of his thought. He pounces -upon the Holy Book and drags it out, pulling with it two or three other -books, which crash to the floor. The sound of their fall is very faint -on his ears—and under the delusion that his<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_21" id="page_21">{21}</a></span> error is unnoticed, he -slyly kicks the books under the bookcase. Jerry and Charlotte exchange a -glance. With his Bible under his arm Dada starts stealthily toward the -staircase. He sees something bright shining on the first step, and, not -without difficulty, stoops to pick it up. His efforts are -unsuccessful.</i>] Hello, here’s a nail that looks just like a ten-cent -piece. [<i>He starts up-stairs.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> He thought he found a ten-cent piece.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>significantly</i>]. Nobody has yet in <i>this</i> house.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>In the ensuing silence Dada can be heard ascending the stairs. -About half-way up there is a noise as if he had slipped down a -notch. Then a moment of utter silence.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You all right, Dada?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>No answer. Dada is heard to resume his climb.</i></p></div> - -<p>He was just resting. [<i>He goes over and starts picking up the books. -Cli-n-ng! There’s the front door-bell again. It occurs to him that it’s -the b-o-o.</i>] I’ll answer it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>who has risen</i>]. <i>I’ll</i> answer it. It’s my own sister Doris, -I <i>know</i>. You answered the last one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> That was a mistake. It’s my turn this time by rights.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Answering the door-bell is evidently a pleasant diversion over -which they have squabbled before.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_22" id="page_22">{22}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I’ll answer it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You needn’t bother.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Cli-n-ng! An impatient ring that.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte and Jerry</span> [<i>together</i>]. Now, listen here—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>They both start for the door. Jerry turns, only trying to argue -with her some more, and what does the woman do but slap his face! -Then, quick as a flash, she is by him and has opened the door.</i></p> - -<p><i>What do you think of that? Jerry stands there with an -expressionless face. In comes Charlotte’s sister Doris.</i></p> - -<p><i>Well, now, I’ll tell you about Doris. She’s nineteen, I guess, and -pretty. She’s nice and slender and dressed in an astonishingly -close burlesque of the current fashions. She’s a member of that -portion of the middle-class whose girls are just a little bit too -proud to work and just a little bit too needy not to. In this city -of perhaps a quarter of a million people she knows a few girls who -know a few girls who are “social leaders,” and through this -connection considers herself a member of the local aristocracy. In -her mind, morals, and manners she is a fairly capable imitation of -the current moving-picture girl, with overtones of some of the -year’s débutantes whom she sees down-town. Doris knows each -débutante’s first name and reputation, and she follows the vari<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_23" id="page_23">{23}</a></span>ous -affairs of the season as they appear in the society column.</i></p> - -<p><i>She walks—walks, not runs—haughtily into the room, her head -inclined faintly forward, her hips motionless. She speaks always in -a bored voice, raising her eyebrows at the important words of each -sentence.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Hello, people.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>a little stiffly—he’s mad</i>.] Why, hello, Doris.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Doris sits down with a faint glance at her chair, as though -suspecting its chastity.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, I’m engaged again.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>She says this as though realizing that she is the one contact this -couple have with the wider and outer world. She assumes with almost -audible condescension that their only objective interest is the -fascinating spectacle of her career. And so there is nothing -personal in her confidences; it is as though she were reporting -dispassionately an affair of great national, or, rather, passional -importance. And, indeed, Jerry and Charlotte respond magnificently -to her initial remark by saying “Honestly?” in incredulous unison -and staring at her with almost bated breath.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>laconically</i>]. Last night.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_24" id="page_24">{24}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>reproachfully</i>]. Oh, Doris! [<i>flattering her, you see, by -accusing her of being utterly incorrigible</i>.]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I simply couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stand him any longer, and -this new fella I’m engaged to now simply had to know—because he was -keeping some girl waiting. I just couldn’t stand it. The strain was -awful.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why couldn’t you stand it? What was the trouble?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>coolly</i>]. He drank.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte, of course, shakes her head in sympathy.</i></p></div> - -<p>He’d drink anything. Anything he could get his hands on. He used to -drink all these mixtures and then come round to see me.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>A close observer might notice that at this statement Jerry, -thinking of his nefarious bargain with the b-o-o, perceptibly -winces.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, that’s too bad. He was such a clean-cut fella.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yes, Charlotte, he was clean-cut, but that was all. I couldn’t -stand it, honestly I couldn’t. I never saw such a man, Charlotte. He -took the platinum sardine. When they go up in your room and steal your -six-dollar-an-ounce perfume, a girl’s got to let a man go.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_25" id="page_25">{25}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I should say she has. What did he say when you broke it off?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He couldn’t say anything. He was too pie-eyed. I tied his ring on -a string, hung it around his neck and pushed him out the door.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Who’s the new one?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know much about him, but -I’ll tell you what I <i>do</i> know from what information I could gather from -mutual friends, and so forth. He’s not quite so clean-cut as the first -one, but he’s got lots of other good qualities. He comes from the State -of Idaho, from a town named Fish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Fish? F-i-s-h?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I think so. It was named after his uncle ... a Mr. Fish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>wittily</i>]. They’re a lot of Fish out there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>not comprehending</i>]. Well, these Fishes are very nice. They’ve -been mayor a couple of times and all that sort of thing, if you know -what I mean. His father’s in business up there now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What business?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He’s in the funereal-parlor business.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>indelicately</i>]. Oh, undertaker.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> [<i>She’s sensitive to the word.</i>] Well, not exactly, but something -like that. A funereal parlor is a<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_26" id="page_26">{26}</a></span> sort of—oh, a sort of a <i>good</i> -undertaking place, if you know what I mean. [<i>And now confidentially.</i>] -As a matter of fact, that’s the part of the thing I don’t like. You see, -we may have to live out in Fish, right over his father’s place of -business.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Why, that’s all right. Think how handy it’ll be if——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Keep still, Jerry!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Is he in the same business as his father?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No. At least not now. He was for a while, but the business wasn’t -very good and now he says he’s through with it. His father’s bought him -an interest in one of the stores.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> A Fish store, eh?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The two women look at him harshly.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>wriggling her shoulders with enjoyment</i>]. Tell us more about -him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, he’s wonderful looking. And he dresses, well, not loud, you -know, but just <i>well</i>. And when anybody speaks to him he goes sort -of— [<i>To express what Mr. Fish does when any one speaks to him, Doris -turns her profile sharply to the audience, her chin up, her eyes -half-closed in an expression of melancholy scorn.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I know—like Rudolph Valentine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>witheringly—do you blame her?</i>]. Valentino.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_27" id="page_27">{27}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What does it mean when he does that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I don’t know, just sort of—sort of passion.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Passion!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Emotion sort of. He’s very emotional. That’s one reason I didn’t -like the last fella I was engaged to. He wasn’t very emotional. He was -sort of an old cow most of the time. I’ve got to have somebody -emotional. You remember that place in the Sheik where the fella says: -“Must I play valet as well as lover?” That’s the sort of thing I like.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>darting a look at Jerry</i>]. I know <i>just</i> what you mean.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He’s not really as tall as I’d like him to be, but he’s got a -wonderful build and a good complexion. I can’t stand anybody without a -good complexion—can you? He calls me adorable egg.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What does he mean by that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>airily</i>]. Oh, “egg” is just a name people use nowadays. It’s -considered sort of the thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>awed</i>]. Egg?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> When do you expect to get married?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You never can tell!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>A pause, during which they all sigh as if pondering. Then Doris, -with a tremendous effort at justice, switches the conversation away -from herself.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_28" id="page_28">{28}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>patronizingly, condescendingly</i>]. How’s everything going with -you two? [<i>To Jerry.</i>] Does your father still read the Bible?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, a lot of the time he just thinks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He hasn’t had anything to do for the last twenty years but just -think, has he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>impressed</i>]. Just think of the things he’s probably thought out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>blasphemously</i>]. That old dumb-bell?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte and Jerry are a little shocked.</i></p></div> - -<p>How’s everything else been going around here?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I got analyzed to-day at——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>interrupting</i>]. The same as ever.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I got anal——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>to Jerry</i>]. I wish you’d be polite enough not to interrupt -me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>pathetically</i>]. I thought you were through.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, you’ve driven what I had to say right out of my head. -[<i>To Doris.</i>] What do you think he said to-night? He said if he hadn’t -married me he’d be President of the United States.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>At this Jerry drops his newspaper precipitately, walks in anger to -the door, and goes out without speaking.</i></p></div> - -<p>You see? Just a display of temper. But it doesn’t worry <i>me</i>. [<i>She -sighs—the shrew.</i>] I’m used to it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_29" id="page_29">{29}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Doris tactfully makes no reply. After a momentary silence she -changes the subject.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, I find I just made an awful mistake.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>eagerly</i>]. Not keeping both those men for a while? That’s -what I think.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No. I mean—do you remember those three dresses I had lengthened?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>breathlessly</i>]. Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>tragically</i>]. I’ll never be able to wear them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> There’s a picture of Mae Murray in the new Motion Picture -Magazine ... my dear, half her calf!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Really?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>At this point the door leading to the dining-room opens and Jerry -comes in. Looking neither to left nor to right, he marches to his -lately vacated place, snatches up half his newspaper, and goes out -without speaking. The two women bestow on him a careless glance and -continue their discussion.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It was just my luck. I wish I’d hemmed them like I thought of -doing, instead of cutting them off. That’s the way it always is. As soon -as I get my hair bobbed, Marilyn Miller begins to let hers grow. <span class="pagenum"><a name="page_30" id="page_30">{30}</a></span>And -look at mine— [<i>She removes her hat.</i>] I can’t do a thing with it. [<i>She -replaces her hat.</i>] Been to the Bijou Theatre?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> No, what’s there?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Again Jerry comes in, almost unbearably self-conscious now. The -poor man has taken the wrong part of the paper. Silently, with a -strained look, he makes the exchange under the intense supervision -of four eyes, and starts back to his haven in the dining-room. Then -he jumps as Doris speaks to him.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Say!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>morosely dignified</i>]. What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>with real interest</i>]. What makes you think you could be -President?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. That’s right. Make a fool of me in front of all -your relations! [<i>In his excitement he bangs down his paper upon a -chair.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I haven’t said one word—not one single solitary word—have -I, Doris?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry goes out hastily—without his paper!</i></p></div> - -<p>Did I say one word, Doris? I’ll leave it to you. Did I say one single -word to bring down all that uproar on my head? To have him <i>swear</i> at -me?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry, crimson in the face, comes in, snatches up his forgotten -paper, and rushes wildly out again.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_31" id="page_31">{31}</a></span></p> - -<p>He’s been nagging at me all evening. He said I kept him from doing -everything he wanted to. And you know very well, Doris, he’d have been a -postman if it hadn’t been for me. He said he wished I was dead.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>It seems to me it was Charlotte who wished Jerry was dead!</i></p></div> - -<p>He said he could get a better wife than me for thirty dollars a week.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>fascinated</i>]. Did he really? Where did he say he could get her?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> That’s the sort of man <i>he</i> is.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He’d never be rich if you <i>gave</i> him the money. He hasn’t got any -<i>push</i>. I think a man’s got to have <i>push</i>, don’t you? I mean sort of -<i>uh</i>! [<i>She gives a little grunt to express indomitable energy, and -makes a sharp gesture with her hand.</i>] I saw in the paper about a fella -that didn’t have any legs or arms forty years old that was a -millionaire.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Maybe if Jerry didn’t have any legs or arms he’d do better. -How did this fella make it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I forget. Some scheme. He just thought of a scheme. That’s the -thing, you know—to think of some scheme. Some kind of cold cream or -hair—say, I wish somebody’d invent some kind of henna that nobody could -tell. Maybe Jerry could.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_32" id="page_32">{32}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He hasn’t brains enough.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Say, I saw a wonderful dog to-day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What kind of a dog?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It was out walking with Mrs. Richard Barton Hammond on Crest -Avenue. It was pink.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Pink! I never saw a pink dog.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Neither did I before. Gosh, it was cunning.... Well, I got to go. -My fiancé is coming over at quarter to nine and we’re going down to the -theatre.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why don’t you bring him over some time?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> All right. I’ll bring him over after the movies if you’ll be up.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>They walk together to the door. Doris goes out and Charlotte has -scarcely shut the door behind her when the bell rings again. -Charlotte opens the door and then retreats half-way across the -room, with an alarmed expression on her face. A man has come in, -with a great gunny-sack slung over his shoulder. It is none other -than Mr. Snooks or Snukes, the bootlegger.</i></p> - -<p><i>I wish I could introduce you to the original from whom I have -taken Mr. Snooks. He is as villainous-looking a man as could be -found in a year’s search. He has a weak chin, a broken nose, a -squint<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_33" id="page_33">{33}</a></span> eye, and a three days’ growth of beard. If you can imagine -a race-track sport who has fallen in a pool of mud you can get an -idea of his attire. His face and hands are incrusted with dirt. He -lacks one prominent tooth, lacks it with a vulgar and somehow awful -conspicuousness. His most ingratiating smile is a criminal leer, -his eyes shift here and there upon the carpet, as he speaks in a -villainous whine.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>uneasily</i>]. What do you want?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Mr. Snooks leers and winks broadly, whereat Charlotte bumps back -against the bookcase.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>hoarsely</i>]. Tell your husband Sandy Claus is here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>calling nervously</i>]. Jerry, here’s somebody wants to see -you. He says he’s—he’s Santa Claus.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>In comes Jerry. He sees the situation, but the appearance of the -b-o-o evidently shocks him, and a wave of uneasiness passes over -him. Nevertheless, he covers up these feelings with a magnificent -nonchalance.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, yes. How de do? How are you? Glad to see you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>wiggling the bag, which gives out a loud, glassy clank</i>]. Hear -it talking to you, eh?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte looks from one to the other of them darkly.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_34" id="page_34">{34}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> It’s all right, Charlit. I’ll tend to it. You go up-stairs. You -go upstairs and read that—there’s a story in the Saturday Evening Post -about a Chinese girl on the Buzzard Islands that——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I know. Who isn’t a Chinese girl. Never mind that. I’ll stay -right here.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry turns from her with the air of one who has done his -best—but now—well, she must take the consequences.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Snooks</i>]. Is this Mr. Snukes? Or Snooks?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Snooks. Funny name, ain’t it? I made it up. I got it off a can -of tomatoes. I’m an Irish-Pole by rights. [<i>Meanwhile he has been -emptying the sack of its contents and setting them on the table. First -come two one-gallon jars, one full, the other empty. Then a square, -unopened one-gallon can. Finally three small bottles and a medicine -dropper.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>in dawning horror</i>]. What’s that? A still?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>with a wink at Jerry</i>]. No, lady, this here’s a wine-press.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> [<i>He’s attempting to conciliate her.</i>] No, no, Charlit. Listen. -This gentleman here is going to make me some gin—very, very cheap.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Some gin!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_35" id="page_35">{35}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes, for cocktails.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> For whose cocktails?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> For you and me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Do you think <i>I’d</i> take one of the poison things?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Snooks</i>]. They’re not poison, are they?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Poison! Say, lady, I’d be croaked off long ago if they was. I’d -be up wid de angels! This ain’t <i>wood</i> alcohol. This is <i>grain</i> alcohol. -[<i>He holds up the gallon can, on which is the following label</i>]:</p> - -<p class="c">WOOD ALCOHOL! -<br /> -POISON!<br /><img src="images/i_042.png" -width="100" -alt="[image of Skull and crossed-bones, - - not available.]" -/> -</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]. Why, it says wood alcohol right on the can!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Yes, but it ain’t. I just use a wood-alcohol can, so in case I -get caught. You’re allowed to sell wood alcohol, see?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>explaining to Charlotte</i>]. Just in case he gets caught—see?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_36" id="page_36">{36}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I think the whole performance is perfectly terrible.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, it isn’t. Mr. Snooks has sold this to some of the swellest -families in the city—haven’t you, Mr. Snooks?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sure. You know old man Alec Martin?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>glancing at Charlotte, who is stony-eyed</i>]. Sure. Everybody -knows who <i>they</i> are.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I sole ’em a gallon. And John B. Standish? I sole him five -gallons and he said it was the best stuff he ever tasted.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. See—? The swellest people in town.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I’d a got here sooner, only I got double crossed to-day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> How?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> A fella down-town sold me out to the rev’nue officers. I got -stuck for two thousand dollars and four cases Haig and Haig.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Gee, that’s too bad!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Aw, you never know who’s straight in this game. They’ll double -cross you in a minute.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Who sold you out?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> A fella. What do you suppose he got for it?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_37" id="page_37">{37}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Ten dollars. What do you know about a fella that’d sell a guy -out for ten dollars? I just went right up to him and said: “Why, you -Ga——”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>nervously</i>]. Say, don’t tell us!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Well, I told him where he got off at, anyways. And then I -plastered him one. An’ the rev’nue officers jus’ stood there and -laughed. My brother ’n I are goin’ ’round an’ beat him up again tomorra.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>righteously</i>]. He certainly deserved it.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>A pause.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>after a moment’s brooding</i>]. Well, I’ll fix this up for you -now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>stiffly</i>]. How much is it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> This? Sixteen a gallon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>eagerly</i>]. See, that makes two gallons of the stuff, Charlotte, -and that’s eight quarts, and eight quarts of the stuff makes sixteen -quarts of cocktails. That’s enough to last us—oh, three years anyhow. -Just think how nice it’ll be if anybody comes in. Just say: “Like a -little cocktail?” “Sure.” “All right.” [<i>He makes a noise to express -orange squeezing.</i>] Oranges! [<i>A noise to express the cracking of ice.</i>] -Ice! [<i>A noise to express the sound of a shaker.</i>] Shaker! [<i>He pours -the imaginary compound into three imaginary glasses. Then he drinks off -one of the imaginary glasses and pats his stomach.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_38" id="page_38">{38}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>contemptuously</i>]. Well, I think you’re a little crazy, if -you ask me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>taking off his hat and coat</i>]. You got a big bowl?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> No. Why didn’t you bring your own bowl?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>uncertainly</i>]. There’s a nice big bowl in the kitchen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> All right. Go on and spoil all the kitchen things.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’ll wash it afterward.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Wash it? [<i>She laughs contemptuously, implying that washing -will do it no good then. Jerry, nevertheless, goes for the bowl. He -feels pretty guilty by this time, but he’s going through with it now, -even though he may never hear the last of it.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>hollering after him</i>]. Get a corkscrew, too. [<i>He holds up the -tin can to Charlotte.</i>] Grain alcohol. [<i>Charlotte’s lips curl in -answer. He holds up a small bottle.</i>] Spirits of Jupiter. One drop of -this will smell up a whole house for a week. [<i>He holds up a second -bottle.</i>] Oila Aniseed. Give it a flavor. Take the arsenic out. [<i>He -holds up a third bottle.</i>] Oila Coreander.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>sardonically</i>]. Wouldn’t you like me to look in the -medicine-chest and see if there’s something<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_39" id="page_39">{39}</a></span> there you could use? Maybe -you need some iodine. Or some of Dada’s ankle-strengthener.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry comes in, laden.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Here’s the bowl and the corkscrew.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You forgot the salt and pepper.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Amid great pounding the bootlegger breaks the corkscrew on the tin -can. His exertions send him into a fit of coughing.</i></p></div> - -<p>You’ll have to stop coughing. You’ll wake the people next door.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> You got a hairpin, lady?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Or a scissors?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Say, what kind of a house is this? [<i>He finally manages to open -the can.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> [<i>With some pride.</i>] Grain alcohol. Costs me $6.00 a gallon. -[<i>To Charlotte.</i>] Smell it.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>She retreats from it hastily.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I can smell <i>some</i>thing horrible.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> That’s the spirits of Jupiter. I haven’t opened it yet. It rots -a cork in ten days. [<i>He fills the bowl with water from one jar.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>anxiously</i>]. Hadn’t you better measure it?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_40" id="page_40">{40}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I got my eye trained.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What’s that—arsenic?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Distilled water, lady. If you use regular water it gets cloudy. -You want it clear. [<i>He pours in alcohol from the can.</i>] Got a spoon?... -Well, never mind. [<i>He rolls up his sleeve and undoubtedly intends to -plunge his whole arm into the mixture.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>hastily</i>]. Here! Wait a minute. No use—no use getting your hand -wet. I’ll get you a spoon. [<i>He goes after it.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. Get one of the best silver ones.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Naw. Any kind’ll do.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry returns with one of the best silver spoons, which he hands -to Mr. Snooks.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I might have known you would—you fool!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Mr. Snooks stirs the mixture—the spoon turns -rust-colored—Charlotte gives a little cry.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> It won’t hurt it, lady. Just leave it out in the sun for an -hour. Now the spirits of Jupiter. [<i>He fills the medicine dropper from a -small bottle and lets a slow, interminable procession of drops fall into -the bowl. Jerry watches intently and with gathering anxiety. At about -the fourteenth drop he starts every time one falls. Finally Mr. Snooks -ceases.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_41" id="page_41">{41}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> How many did you count?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sixteen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I counted eighteen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Well, a drop or so won’t make no difference. Now you got a -funnel?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’ll get one. [<i>He goes for it.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Good stuff, lady. This is as good as what you used to buy for -the real thing.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte does not deign to answer.</i></p></div> - -<p>You needn’t worry about that spoon. If that spoon had a been the real -thing it w’na done like that. You can try out all your stuff that way. A -lot of stuff is sold for silver nowadays that ain’t at all.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry returns with the funnel, and Mr. Snooks pours the contents -of the bowl into the two glass jars.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>holding up one jar admiringly</i>]. The real thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> It’s cloudy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>reproachfully</i>]. Cloudy? You call that cloudy? That isn’t -cloudy. Why, it’s just as clear——</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He holds it up and pretends to look through it. This is -unquestionably a mere gesture, for the mixture is heavily opaque -and not to be pierced by the human eye.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_42" id="page_42">{42}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>disregarding him and turning scornfully to Jerry</i>]. I -wouldn’t drink it if it was the last liquor in the world.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Lady, if this was the last liquor in the world it wouldn’t be -for sale.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>doubtfully</i>]. It does look a little—cloudy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> No-o-o—! Why you can see right through it. [<i>He fills a glass -and drinks it off.</i>] Why, it just needs to be filtered. That’s just -nervous matter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte and Jerry</span> [<i>together</i>]. Nervous matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> When did we put that in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> We didn’t put it in. It’s just a deposit. Sure, that’s just -nervous matter. Any chemis’ will tell you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>sardonically</i>]. Ha-ha! “Nervous matter.” There’s no such -thing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sure! That’s just nervous matter. [<i>He fills the glass and hands -it to her.</i>] Try it!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Ugh!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>As he comes near she leans away from him in horror. Snooks offers -the glass to Jerry.</i></p></div> - -<p>If you drink any of that stuff they’ll have to analyze you all over -again.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>But Jerry drinks it.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_43" id="page_43">{43}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I can’t stand this. When your—when <i>he’s</i> gone I’ll thank -you to open the windows. [<i>She goes out and up-stairs.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> <i>[with a cynical laugh</i>]. Your old lady’s a little sore on you, -eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>bravely</i>]. No. She doesn’t care what I do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> You ought to give her a bat in the eye now and then. That’d fix -her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>shocked</i>]. Oh, no; you oughtn’t to talk that way.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Well, if you like ’em to step around.... Sixteen bucks, please.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry searches his pockets.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>counting</i>].—thirteen—fourteen—let’s see. I can borrow the -ice-man’s money if I can find where—Just wait a minute, Mr. Snooks.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He goes out to the pantry. Almost immediately there are steps upon -the stairs, and in a moment Dada, resplendent in a flowing white -nightshirt, trembles into Mr. Snooks’s vision. For a moment Mr. -Snooks is startled.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>blinking</i>]. I thought I smelled something burning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I ain’t smelled nothin’, pop.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> How do you do, sir. You’ll excuse my cos<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_44" id="page_44">{44}</a></span>tume. I was awake and it -occurred to me that the house was on fire. I am Mr. Frost’s father.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I’m his bootlegger.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> The——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> His bootlegger.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>enthusiastically</i>]. You’re my son’s employer?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They shake hands.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Excuse my costume. I was awake, and I thought I smelled something -burning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>decisively</i>]. You’re kiddin’ yourself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Perhaps I was wrong. My sense of smell is not as exact as it was. -My son Jerry is a fine boy. He’s my only son by my second wife, Mr.—? -The——? [<i>He is evidently under the impression that Snooks has supplied -the name and that he has missed it.</i>] I’m glad to meet his employer. I -always say I’m a descendant of Jack Frost. We used to have a joke when I -was young. We used to say that the first Frosts came to this state in -the beginning of winter. Ha-ha-ha! [<i>He is convinced that he is giving -Jerry a boost with his employer.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>bored</i>]. Ain’t it past your bedtime, pop?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Do you see? “Frosts” and “frosts.” We used to laugh at that joke a -great deal.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Anybody would.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_45" id="page_45">{45}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> “Frosts,” you see. We’re not rich, but I always say that it’s -easier for a camel to get through a needle’s eye than for a rich man to -get to heaven.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> That’s the way I always felt.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Well, I think I’ll turn in. My sense of smell deceived me. No harm -done. [<i>He laughs.</i>] Good night, Mr.——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>humorously</i>]. Good night, pop. Sleep tight. Don’t let the -bedbugs bite.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>starting away</i>]. I hope you’ll excuse my costume. [<i>He goes -up-stairs. Jerry returns from the pantry just in time to hear his -voice.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Who was that? Dada?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> He thought he was on fire.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>unaware of the nightshirt</i>]. That’s my father. He’s a great -authority on—oh, on the Bible and a whole lot of other things. He’s -been doing nothing for twenty years but thinking out a lot of -things—here’s the money. [<i>Jerry gives him sixteen bucks.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Thanks. Well, I guess you’re all fixed. Drink a couple of these -and then you’ll know what to say to your wife when she gets fresh.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>from up-stairs</i>]. Shut the door! I can smell that way up -here!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry hastily shuts the door leading up-stairs.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_46" id="page_46">{46}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Like any whiskey?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I don’t believe so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Or some cream de menthy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, I don’t believe so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> How about some French vermuth?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I don’t think I’ll take anything else now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Just try a drink of this.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Try another.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry tries another.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Not bad. Strong.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sure it’s strong. Knock you over. Hard to get now. They gyp you -every time. The country’s goin’ to the dogs. Most of these bootleggers, -you can’t trust ’em two feet away. It’s awful. They don’t seem to have -no conscience.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>warming</i>]. Have you ever been analyzed, Mr. Snooks?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Me? No, I never been arrested by the regular police.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I mean when they ask you questions.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sure, I know. Thumb-prints—all that stuff.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry takes another drink.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_47" id="page_47">{47}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You ought to want to rise in the world.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> How do you know I oughta.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Why—why, everybody ought to. It says so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> What says so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with a burst of inspiration</i>]. The Bible. It’s one of the -commandments.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I never could get through that book.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Won’t you sit down?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> No, I got to hustle along in a minute.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Say, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Not at all. Shoot!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Did you ever—did you ever have any ambition to be President?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sure. Once.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>ponderously</i>]. You did, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Once. I guess bootleggin’s just as good, though. More money in -it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>weightily</i>]. Yes, that’s true.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Well, I got to hustle along now. I got to take my old woman to -church.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh. Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Well, so long. You got my address in case you go dry.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They both smile genially at this pleasantry.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_48" id="page_48">{48}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>opening the door</i>]. All right. I’ll remember.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Snooks goes out. Jerry hesitates—then he opens the door to the -up-stairs.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, Char-lit!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>crossly</i>]. Please keep that door shut. That smell comes -right up here. It’ll start my hayfever.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>genially</i>]. Well, I just wanted to ask you if you’ll take one -little cocktail with me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> <i>No!</i> How many times do I have to tell you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>crestfallen</i>]. Well, you don’t need to be so disagreeable about -it.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He receives no answer. He would like to talk some more, but he -shuts the door and returns to the table. Picking up one of the -jars, he regards its opaqueness with a quizzical eye. But it is his -and quite evidently it seems to him good. He looks curiously at the -three little bottles, smells one of them curiously and hastily -replaces the cork. He hesitates. Then he repairs to the -dining-room, singing: “Everybody is there!”—and returns -immediately with an orange, a knife, and another glass. He cuts the -orange, squeezes half of it into a glass, wipes his hands on the -fringe of the tablecloth, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_49" id="page_49">{49}</a></span> adds some of his liquor. He drinks -it slowly—he waits. He prepares another potation with the other -half of the orange.</i></p> - -<p><i>No! He does not choke, make horrible faces, nor feel his throat as -it goes down. Nor does he stagger. His elation is evinced only by -the vague confusion with which he mislays knife, oranges, and -glasses.</i></p> - -<p><i>Impelled by the gregarious instinct of mankind, he again repairs -to the door that leads up-stairs, and opens it.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>calling</i>]. Say, Char-<i>lit</i>! The convention must be over. I -wonder who was nominated.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I asked you to shut that door.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>But the impulse to express himself, to fuse his new elation into -the common good, is irresistible. He goes to the telephone and -picks up the receiver.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Hello.... Hello, hello. Say! I wonder’f you could tell me who was -nominated for President.... All right, give me Information.... -Information, I wonder if you could tell me who was nominated for -President.... Why not?... Well, that’s information, isn’t it?... It -doesn’t matter what <i>kind</i> of information it is. It’s information, isn’t -it? Isn’t it? It’s information, isn’t it?... Say, what’s your hurry? -[<i>He bobs the receiver up and down.</i>] Hello, give me Long Distance -again.... Hello, is this Information?...<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_50" id="page_50">{50}</a></span> This is <i>mis</i>information, eh? -Ha-ha! Did you hear that? <i>Mis</i>information.... I asked for -Information.... Well, you’ll do, Long Distance.... Long Distance—how -far away are you? A long distance! Ha-ha!... Hello.... Hello!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>She has evidently rung off. Jerry does likewise.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. Wonderful telephone service! [<i>He goes quickly -back to the ’phone and picks up the receiver.</i>] Rottenest telephone -service I ever saw! [<i>He slams up and returns to his drink.</i>]</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>There is a call outside, “Yoo-hoo!” and immediately afterward -Doris opens the front door and comes in, followed by Joseph Fish, a -red-headed, insipid young man of about twenty-four. Fish is dressed -in a ready-made suit with a high belt at the back, and his pockets -slant at a rakish angle. He is the product of a small-town -high-school and a one-year business course at a state university.</i></p> - -<p><i>Doris has him firmly by the arm. She leads him up to Jerry, who -sets down his glass and blinks at them.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Gosh! This room smells like a brewery. [<i>She notices the jars and -the other débris of Jerry’s domestic orgy.</i>] What on earth have you been -doing? Brewing whiskey?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_51" id="page_51">{51}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>attempting a dignified nonchalance</i>]. Making cocktails.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>with a long whistle</i>]. What does Charlotte say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with dignity</i>]. Charlit is up-stairs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, I want you to meet my fiancé, Mr. Fish. Mr. Fish, this is -my brother-in-law, Mr. Frost.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Pleased to meet you, Mr. Fish.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> How de do. [<i>He laughs politely.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>horribly</i>]. Is this the undertaker?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>tartly</i>]. You must be tight.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Fish</i>]. Have a little drink?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He doesn’t use it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Thanks. I don’t use it. [<i>Again he laughs politely.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with a very roguish expression</i>]. Do you know Ida?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Ida who?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Idaho. [<i>He laughs uproariously at his own wit.</i>] That’s a joke I -heard to-day. I thought I’d tell it to you because you’re from Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>resentfully</i>]. Gosh, that’s a rotten joke.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>high-hatting him</i>]. Well, Idaho’s a rotten state. I wouldn’t -come from that State.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>icily</i>]. Maybe they’d feel the same way about<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_52" id="page_52">{52}</a></span> you. I’m going up -and see Charlotte. I wish you’d entertain Mr. Fish politely for a -minute.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Doris goes up-stairs. The two men sit down. Fish is somewhat -embarrassed.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with a wink</i>]. Now she’s gone, better have a little drink.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> No, thanks. I don’t use it any more. I used to use it a good deal -out in Idaho, and then I quit.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>A faint, almost imperceptible noise, as of a crowd far away, -begins outside. Neither of the men seems to notice it, however.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Get good liquor up there?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Well, around the shop we used to drink embalming fluid, but it got -so it didn’t agree with me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>focussing his eyes upon Fish, with some difficulty</i>]. I -shouldn’t think it would.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> It’s all right for some fellas, but it doesn’t agree with me at -all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>suddenly</i>]. How old are you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Me? Twenty-five.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Did you ever—did you ever have any ambition to be President?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> President?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_53" id="page_53">{53}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Of a company?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No. Of the United States.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>scornfully</i>]. No-o-o-o!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>almost pleadingly</i>]. Never did, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Never.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Tha’s funny. Did you ever want to be a postman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>scornfully</i>]. No-o-o-o!... The thing to be is to be a senator.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Is that so?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Sure. I’m goin’ to be one. Say! There’s where you get the <i>real</i> -graft.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry’s eyes close sleepily and then start open.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>attentively</i>]. Do you hear a noise?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>after listening for a moment</i>]. I don’t hear a sound.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>puzzled</i>]. That’s funny. I hear a noise.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>scornfully</i>]. I guess you’re seeing things.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Another pause.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> And you say you never wanted to be President?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_54" id="page_54">{54}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Na-ah!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The noise outside has now increased, come nearer, swollen to the -dimensions of a roar. Presently it is almost under the windows. -Fish apparently does not hear it, but Jerry knits his hairless -brows and rises to his feet. He goes to the window and throws it -open. A mighty cheer goes up and there is the beating of a bass -drum.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Good gosh!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Cli-in-ng! Cli-in-ng! Cli-in-ng! The door-bell! Then the door -swings open, and a dozen men rush into the room. In the lead is Mr. -Jones, a politician.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Jones</span> [<i>approaching Jerry</i>]. Is this Mr. Jeremiah Frost?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with signs of fright</i>]. Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Jones.</span> I’m Mr. Jones, the well-known politician. I am delegated to -inform you that on the first ballot you were unanimously given the -Republican nomination for President.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Wild cheers from inside and out, and renewed beating of the bass -drum. Jerry shakes Mr. Jones’s hand, but Fish, sitting in silence, -takes no heed of the proceeding—apparently does not see or hear -what is going on.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_55" id="page_55">{55}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Mr. Jones</i>]. My golly! I thought you were a revenue officer.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Amid a still louder burst of cheering Jerry is elevated to the -shoulders of the crowd, and borne enthusiastically out the door as</i></p></div> - -<p class="fint"><span class="smcap">The Curtain Falls</span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_56" id="page_56">{56}</a></span></p> - -<h2><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II"></a>ACT II</h2> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Any one who felt that the first Act was perhaps a little vulgar, -will be glad to learn that we’re now on the lawn of the White -House. Indeed, a corner of the Executive Mansion projects -magnificently into sight, and steps lead up to the imposing -swinging doors of a “Family Entrance.” From the window of the -President’s office a flag flutters, and the awning displays this -legend</i>:</p> - -<p class="c"> -<span class="smcap">The White House<br /> -<br /> -Jerry Frost, Pres.</span><br /> -</p> - -<p><i>And if you look hard enough at the office window you can see the -President himself sitting at his desk inside.</i></p> - -<p><i>The lawn, bounded by a white brick wall, is no less attractive. -Not only are there white vines and flowers, a beautiful white tree, -and a white table and chairs, but, also, a large sign over the -gate, which bears the President’s name pricked out in electric -bulbs.</i></p> - -<p><i>Two white kittens are strolling along the wall, enjoying the -ten-o’clock sunshine. A blond parrot swings in a cage over the -table, and one of the chairs is at present<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_57" id="page_57">{57}</a></span> occupied by a white -fox-terrier puppy about the size of your hand.</i></p> - -<p><i>That’s right. “Isn’t it darling!” We’ll let you watch it for a -moment before we move into the Whirl of Public Affairs.</i></p> - -<p><i>Look! Here comes somebody out. It’s Mr. Jones, the well-known -politician, now secretary to President Frost. He has a white broom -in his hands, and, after delighting the puppy with an absolutely -white bone, he begins to sweep off the White House steps. At this -point the gate swings open and Charlotte Frost comes in. As befits -the first Lady of the Land, she is elaborately dressed—in the -height of many fashions. She’s evidently been shopping—her arms -are full of packages—but she has nevertheless seen fit to array -herself in a gorgeous evening dress, with an interminable train. -From her wide picture hat a plume dangles almost to the ground.</i></p> - -<p><i>Mr. Jones politely relieves her of her bundles.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>abruptly</i>]. Good morning, Mr. Jones. Has everything gone to -pieces?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Mr. Jones looks her over in some surprise.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>apologetically</i>]. Well, perhaps the petticoat—<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_58" id="page_58">{58}</a></span>—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>a little stiffly</i>]. I didn’t mention myself, I don’t think, -Mr. Jones. I meant all my husband’s public affairs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> He’s been in his office all morning, Mrs. Frost. There are a lot -of people waiting to see him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> [<i>She’s relieved.</i>] I heard them calling an extra, and I -thought maybe everything had gone to pieces.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> No, Mrs. Frost, the President hasn’t made any bad mistake for -some time now. Of course, a lot of people objected when he appointed his -father Secretary of the Treasury; his father’s being so old——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, I’ve had to stand for his family all my life—so I -guess the country can. [<i>Confidentially.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>a little embarrassed</i>]. I see you’ve been shopping.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I’ve been buying some things for my sister’s wedding -reception this afternoon.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The window of President Frost’s office opens abruptly. A white -cigar emerges—followed by Jerry’s hairless eyebrows—passionately -knit.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> All right. Go on and yell—and then when I make some awful -mistake and the country goes to pieces, blame it on me!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_59" id="page_59">{59}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>very patiently</i>]. Nagging me again. Picking on me. -Pick—pick—pick! All day!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Gosh, you can be disagreeable, Charlit!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Pick—pick—pick!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>confused</i>]. Pick?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>sharply</i>]. Pick!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry jams down his window.</i></p> - -<p><i>Meanwhile from the window above has emerged a hand holding a -mirror. The hand is presently followed by a head with the hair -slicked back damply. Doris, sister-in-law to the President, is -seeking more light for her afternoon toilet.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>disapprovingly</i>]. I can hear you two washing your clothes in -public all over the lawn.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He keeps nagging at me.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Doris begins to apply a white lotion to her face. She daubs it at -a freckle on her nose, and gazes passionately at the resultant -white splotch.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>abstractedly</i>]. I should think you’d get so you could stand him -in public, anyways.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He makes me madder in public than anywhere else.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>She gathers her bundles and goes angrily into the White House. -Doris glances down at Mr. Jones, and,<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_60" id="page_60">{60}</a></span> deciding hastily that she is -too publicly placid, withdraws her person from sight.</i></p> - -<p><i>Jones picks up his broom and is about to go inside when a -uniformed chauffeur opens the gate and announces:</i></p></div> - -<p>“The Honorable Joseph Fish, Senator from Idaho.”</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>And now here’s Joseph Fish, in an enormous frock-coat and a tall -silk hat, radiating an air of appalling prosperity.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Good morning, Mr. Jones. Is my fiancée around?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I believe she’s in her boudoir, Senator Fish. How is everything -down at the capital?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>gloomily</i>]. Awful! I’m in a terrible position, Mr. Jones—and -this was to have been my wedding reception day. Listen to this. [<i>He -takes a telegram from his pocket.</i>] “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D. -C. Present the State of Idaho’s compliments to President Frost and tell -him that the people of Idaho demand his immediate resignation.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> This is terrible!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> It’s because he made his father Secretary of the Treasury.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> This will be depressing news to the President.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> But think of <i>me</i>! This was to have been my<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_61" id="page_61">{61}</a></span> wedding reception -day. What will Doris say when she hears about this. I’ve got to ask her -own brother-in-law to—to move out of his home?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Have a cocktail.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He takes a shaker and glasses from behind a porch pillar and pours -out two drinks.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I saw this coming. But I’ll tell you now, Senator Fish, the -President won’t resign.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Then it’ll be my duty to have him impeached.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Shall I call the President now?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Let’s wait until eleven o’clock. Give me one more hour of -happiness. [<i>He raises his eyes pathetically to the upper window.</i>] -Doris—oh Doris!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Doris, now fully dressed and under the influence of cosmetics, -comes out onto the lawn. Mr. Jones, picking up the broom and the -puppy, goes into the White House.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>jealously</i>]. Where were you all day yesterday?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>languidly</i>]. An old beau of mine came to see me and kept hanging -around.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>in wild alarm</i>]. Good God! What’d he say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He said I was stuck up because my brother-in-law was President, -and I said: “Well, what if I am? I’d hate to say what your -brother-in-law is.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_62" id="page_62">{62}</a></span>”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>fascinated</i>]. What is he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He owns a garbage disposal service.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>even more fascinated</i>]. Is that right? Can you notice it on his -brother-in-law?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Something awful. I wouldn’t of let him come in the house. Imagine -if somebody came in to see you and said: “Sniff. Sniff. Who’s been -sitting on these chairs?” And you said: “Oh, just my brother-in-law, the -garbage disposal man.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Doris—Doris, an awful thing has occurred——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>looking out the gate</i>]. Here comes Dada. Say, he must be going -on to between eighty and ninety years old, if not older.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>gloomily</i>]. Why did your brother-in-law have to go and make him -Secretary of the Treasury? He might as well have gone to an old men’s -home and said: “See here, I want to get eight old dumb-bells for my -cabinet.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Oh, Jerry does everything all wrong. You see, he thought his -father had read a lot of books—the Bible and the Encyclopædia and the -Dictionary and all.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>In totters Dada. Prosperity has spruced him up, but not to any -alarming extent. The hair on his face is not under cultivation. His -small, watery eyes gleam dully in their ragged ovals. His mouth -laps<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_63" id="page_63">{63}</a></span> faintly at all times, like a lake with tides mildly agitated -by the moon.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Good morning, Mr. Frost.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>dimly</i>]. Hm.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>He is under the impression that he has made an adequate response.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>tolerantly</i>]. Dada, kindly meet my fiancé—Senator Fish from -Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>expansively</i>]. Young man, how do you do? I feel very well. You -wouldn’t think I was eighty-eight years old, would you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>politely</i>]. I should say not.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You’d think he was two hundred.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>who missed this</i>]. Yeah. [<i>A long pause.</i>] We used to have a joke -when I was young—we used to say the first Frosts came to this country -in the beginning of winter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Funny as a crutch.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>to Fish</i>]. Do you ever read the Scriptures?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Sometimes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I’m the Secretary of the Treasury, you know. My son made me the -Secretary of the Treasury. He’s the President. He was my only boy by my -second wife.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> The old dumb-bell!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_64" id="page_64">{64}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I was born in 1834, under the presidency of Andrew Jackson. I was -twenty-seven years old when the war broke out.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. Do you mean the Revolutionary War?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>witheringly</i>]. The Revolutionary War was in 1776.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Tell me something I don’t know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> When you grow older you’ll find there are a lot of things you -don’t know. [<i>To Fish.</i>] Do you know my son Jerry?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>utterly disgusted</i>]. Oh, gosh!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> I met your son before he was elected President and I’ve seen him a -lot of times since then, on account of being Senator from Idaho and all, -and on account of Doris. You see, we’re going to have our wedding -reception this afternoon——</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>In the middle of this speech Dada’s mind has begun to wander. He -utters a vague “Hm!” and moves off, paying no further attention, -and passing through the swinging doors into the White House.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>impressed in spite of himself by Dada’s great age</i>]. He’s -probably had a lot of experience, that old bird. He was alive before you -were born.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_65" id="page_65">{65}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> So were a lot of other old nuts. Come on—let’s go hire the music -for our wedding reception.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>remembering something with a start</i>]. Doris—Doris, would you -have a wedding reception with me if you knew—if you knew the -disagreeable duty——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Knew what?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Nothing. I’m going to be happy, anyways [<i>he looks at his -watch</i>]—for almost an hour.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They go out through the garden gate.</i></p> - -<p><i>And now President Jerry Frost himself is seen to leave his window -and in a minute he emerges from the Executive Mansion. He wears a -loose-fitting white flannel frock coat, and a tall white stovepipe -hat. His heavy gold watch-chain would anchor a small yacht, and he -carries a white stick, ringed with a gold band.</i></p> - -<p><i>After rubbing his back sensuously against a porch pillar, he walks -with caution across the lawn and his hand is on the gate-latch when -he is hailed from the porch by Mr. Jones.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Mr. President, where are you going?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>uneasily</i>]. I thought I’d go down and get a cigar.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>cynically</i>]. It doesn’t look well for you to play dice for -cigars, sir.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_66" id="page_66">{66}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry sits down wearily and puts his hat on the table.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I’m sorry to say there’s trouble in the air, Mr. President. It’s -what we might refer to as the Idaho matter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> The Idaho matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Senator Fish has received orders from Idaho to demand your -resignation at eleven o’clock this morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I never liked that bunch of people they got out there in Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Well, I just thought I’d tell you—so you could think about it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>hopefully</i>]. Maybe I’ll get some idea how to fix it up. I’m a -very resourceful man. I always think of something.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Mr. President, would you—would you mind telling me how you got -your start?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>carelessly</i>]. Oh, I got analyzed one day, and they just found I -was sort of a good man and would just be wasting my time as a railroad -clerk.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> So you forged ahead?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Sure. I just made up my mind to be President, and then I went -ahead and did it. I’ve always been a very ambitious sort of—sort of -domineerer.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jones sighs and takes several letters from his pocket.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_67" id="page_67">{67}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> The morning mail.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>looking at the first letter</i>]. This one’s an ad, I’ll bet. [<i>He -opens it.</i>] “Expert mechanics, chauffeurs, plumbers earn big money. We -fit you in twelve lessons.” [<i>He looks up.</i>] I wonder if there’s -anything personal in that. If there is it’s a low sort of joke.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>soothingly</i>]. Oh, I don’t think there is.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>offended</i>]. Anybody that’d play a joke like that on a person -that has all the responsibility of being President, and then to have -somebody play a low, mean joke on him like that!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I’ll write them a disagreeable letter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> All right. But make it sort of careless, as if it didn’t matter -to me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I can begin the letter “Damn Sirs” instead of “Dear Sirs.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Sure, that’s the idea. And put something like that in the ending, -too.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> “Yours insincerely,” or something like that.... Now there’s a few -people waiting in here to see you, sir. [<i>He takes out a list.</i>] First, -there’s somebody that’s been ordered to be hung.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What about him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I think he wants to arrange it some way so he won’t be hung. Then -there’s a man that’s got a<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_68" id="page_68">{68}</a></span> scheme for changing everybody in the United -States green.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>puzzled</i>]. Green?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> That’s what he says.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Why green?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> He didn’t say. I told him not to wait. And there’s the Ambassador -from Abyssinia. He says that one of our sailors on leave in Abyssinia -threw the king’s cousin down a flight of thirty-nine steps.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>after a pause</i>]. What do you think I ought to do about that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Well, I think you ought to—well, send flowers or something, to -sort of recognize that the thing had happened.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>somewhat awed</i>]. Is the king’s cousin sore?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Well, naturally he——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I don’t mean sore that way. I mean did he—did he take it hard? -Did he think there was any ill feeling from the United States Government -in the sailor’s—action?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Why, I suppose you might say yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, you tell him that the sailor had no instructions to do any -such thing. Demand the sailor’s resignation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> And Major-General Pushing has been wait<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_69" id="page_69">{69}</a></span>ing to see you for some -time. Shall I tell him to come out here?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> All right.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jones goes into the White House and returns, announcing: -“Major-General Pushing, U. S. A.”</i></p> - -<p><i>Out marches General Pushing. He is accompanied at three paces by a -fifer and drummer, who play a spirited march. When the General -reaches the President’s table the trio halt, the fife and drum -cease playing, and the General salutes.</i></p> - -<p><i>The General is a small fat man with a fierce gray mustache. His -chest and back are fairly obliterated with medals, and he is -wearing one of those great shakos peculiar to drum-majors.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Good morning, General Pushing. Did they keep you waiting?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>fiercely</i>]. That’s all right. We’ve been marking -time—it’s good for some of the muscles.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> How’s the army?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> Very well, Mr. President. Several of the privates have -complained of headaches. [<i>He clears his throat portentously.</i>] I’ve -called on you to say I’m afraid we’ve got to have war. I held a -conference last night with two others of our best generals. We discussed -the matter thoroughly, and then we took a vote. Three to nothing in -favor of war.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_70" id="page_70">{70}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>alarmed</i>]. Look at here, General Pushing, I’ve got a lot of -things on my hands now, and the last thing I want to have is a war.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> I knew things weren’t going very well with you, Mr. -President. In fact, I’ve always thought that what this country needs is -a military man at the head of it. The people are restless and excited. -The best thing to keep their minds occupied is a good war. It will leave -the country weak and shaken—but docile, Mr. President, docile. -Besides—we voted on it, and there you are.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Who is it against?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> That we have not decided. We’re going to take up the -details to-night. It depends on—just how much money there is in the -Treasury. Would you mind calling up your—<i>father</i>— [<i>the General gives -this word an ironic accentuation</i>]—and finding out?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry takes up the white telephone from the table. Jones meanwhile -has produced the shaker and glasses. He pours a cocktail for every -one—even for the fifer and drummer.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>at the ’phone</i>]. Connect me with the Treasury Department, -please.... Is this the Treasury?... This is President Frost.... Oh, I’m -very well, thanks. No, it’s better. Much better. The dentist says he -doesn’t think I’ll have to have it out now.... Say,<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_71" id="page_71">{71}</a></span> what I called you -up about is to find how much money there is in the Treasury.... Oh, I -see.... Oh, I see. Thanks. [<i>He hangs up the receiver.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>worried</i>]. General Pushing, things seem to be a little confused -over at the Treasury. Dada—the Secretary of the Treasury isn’t there -right now—and they say nobody else knows much about it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>disapprovingly</i>]. Hm! I could put you on a nice war -pretty cheap. I could manage a battle or so for almost nothing. [<i>With -rising impatience.</i>] But a good President ought to be able to tell just -how much we could afford.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>chastened</i>]. I’ll find out from Dada.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>meaningly</i>]. Being President is a sacred trust, you -know, Mr. Frost.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, I know it’s a sacred trust, don’t I?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>sternly</i>]. Are you proud of it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>utterly crestfallen</i>]. Of course, I’m proud of it. Don’t I look -proud? I’m proud as a pecan. [<i>Resentfully.</i>] What do you know about it, -anyways? You’re nothing but a common soldier—I mean a common general.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>pityingly</i>]. I came here to help you, Mr. Frost. -[<i>With warning emphasis.</i>] Perhaps you are aware that the sovereign -State of Idaho is about to ask your resignation.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_72" id="page_72">{72}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>now thoroughly resentful</i>]. Look at here, suppose you be the -President for a while, if you know so much about it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>complacently</i>]. I’ve often thought that what this -country needs is a military man at the head of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> All right, then, you just take off that hat and coat!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry takes off his own coat. Jones rushes forward in alarm.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> If there’s going to be a fight hadn’t we all better go into the -billiard-room?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>insistently to General Pushing</i>]. Take off that hat and coat!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>aghast</i>]. But, Mr. President——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Listen here—if I’m the President you do what I say.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>General Pushing obediently removes his sword and takes off his hat -and coat. He assumes a crouching posture and, putting up his fists, -begins to dance menacingly around Jerry.</i></p> - -<p><i>But, instead of squaring off, Jerry gets quickly into the -General’s hat and coat and buckles on the sword.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> All right, since you know so much about<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_73" id="page_73">{73}</a></span> being President, you put -on my hat and coat and try it for a while.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The General, greatly taken aback, looks from Jerry to Jerry’s -coat, with startled eyes. Jerry swaggers up and down the lawn, -brandishing the sword. Then his eyes fall with distaste upon the -General’s shirtsleeves.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, what are you moping around for?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>plaintively</i>]. Come on, Mr. President, be reasonable. -Give me that coat and hat. Nobody appreciates a good joke any more than -I do, but——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>emphatically</i>]. No, I <i>won’t</i> give them to you. I’m a general, -and I’m going to war. You can stay around here. [<i>Sarcastically, to Mr. -Jones.</i>] He’ll straighten everything out, Mr. Jones.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>pleadingly</i>]. Mr. President, I’ve waited for this war -for forty years. You wouldn’t take away my coat and hat like that, just -as we’ve got it almost ready.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>pointing to the shirtsleeves</i>]. That’s a nice costume to be -hanging around the White House in.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>brokenly</i>]. I can’t help it, can I? Who took my coat -and hat, anyhow?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> If you don’t like it you can get out.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_74" id="page_74">{74}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. Yes. Nice lot of talk it’d cause if I -went back to the War Department looking like this. “Where’s your hat and -coat, General?” “Oh, I just thought I’d come down in my suspenders this -morning.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You can have my coat—and my troubles.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Charlotte comes suddenly out of the White House, and they turn -startled eyes upon her, like two guilty schoolboys.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>staring</i>]. What’s the matter? Has everything gone to pieces?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>on the verge of tears</i>]. He took my coat and hat.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>pointing to the General</i>]. Who is that man?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>in a dismal whine</i>]. I’m Major-General Pushing, I am.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I don’t believe it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>uneasily</i>]. Yes, he is, Charlit. I was just kidding him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>understanding immediately</i>]. Oh, you’ve been <i>nag</i>ging -people again.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>beginning to unbutton the coat</i>]. The General was nagging me, -Charlit. I’ve just been teaching him a lesson—haven’t I, General?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_75" id="page_75">{75}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He struggles out of the General’s coat and into his own. The -General, grunting his relief and disgust, re-attires himself in the -military garment.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>losing confidence under Charlotte’s stare</i>]. Honest, -everything’s getting on my nerves. First it’s some correspondence school -getting funny, and then <i>he</i> [<i>indicating the General</i>] comes around, -and then all the people out in Idaho——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>with brows high</i>]. Well, if you want to know what <i>I</i> think, -<i>I</i> think everything’s going to pieces.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, it isn’t, Charlit. I’m going to fix everything. I’ve got a -firm grip on everything. Haven’t I, Mr. Jones? I’m just nervous, that’s -all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>now completely buttoned up, physically and mentally</i>]. -In my opinion, sir, you’re a very dangerous man. I have served under -eight Presidents, but I have never before lost my coat and hat. I bid -you good morning, Mr. President. You’ll hear from me later.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>At his salute the fife and drum commence to play. The trio execute -about face, and the escort, at three paces, follows the General out -the gate.</i></p> - -<p><i>Jerry stares uneasily after them.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Everybody’s always saying that I’m going to hear from ’em later. -They want to kick me out of this<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_76" id="page_76">{76}</a></span> job—that’s what they want. They think -I don’t know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> The people elected you, Mr. President. And the people want -you—all except the ones out in Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>anxiously</i>]. Couldn’t you be on the safe side and have -yourself reduced to Vice-President, or something?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">A Newsboy</span> [<i>outside</i>]. Extra! Extra! Idaho says: “Resign or be -Impeached.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Was that newsboy yelling something about me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>witheringly</i>]. He never so much as mentioned you.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>In response to Mr. Jones’s whistle a full-grown newsboy comes in -at the gate. He hands Jerry a paper and is given a bill.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>carelessly</i>]. Keep the change. It’s all right. I’ve got a big -salary.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Newsboy</span> [<i>pointing to Jerry’s frock coat</i>]. I almost had one of them -dress suits once.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>not without satisfaction</i>]. I got six of them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Newsboy.</span> I hadda get one so I could take a high degree in the Ku -Klux. But I didn’t get one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>absorbed in the paper</i>]. I got six of ’em.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Newsboy.</span> I ain’t got none. Well, much obliged. So long.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_77" id="page_77">{77}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The newsboy goes out.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>reading over Jerry’s shoulder</i>]. It says: “Idaho flays Treasury -choice.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>wide-eyed</i>]. Does that mean they’re going to flay Dada?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>looking at his watch</i>]. Senator Fish will be here at any moment -now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, all I know is that I’d show some spunk and not let them -kick <i>me</i> out, even if I <i>was</i> the worst President they ever had.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Listen, Charlit, you needn’t remind me of it every minute.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I didn’t remind you of it. I just mentioned it in an ordinary -tone of voice.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>She goes into the White House. Senator Joseph Fish comes in -hesitantly through the gate.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Jones</i>]. Here comes the State of Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>timorously</i>]. Good morning, Mr. President. How are you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, I’m all right.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>hurriedly producing the telegram and mumbling his words</i>]. Got a -little matter here, disagreeable duty. Want to get through as quickly as -possible. “Senator Joseph Fish, Washington, D. C. Present the State of -Idaho’s compliments to President Frost, and tell him<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_78" id="page_78">{78}</a></span> that the people of -Idaho demand his immediate resignation.” [<i>He folds up the telegram and -puts it in his pocket.</i>] Well, Mr. President, I guess I got to be going. -[<i>He moves toward the gate and then hesitates.</i>] This was to have been -my wedding-reception day. Of course, Doris will never marry me now. It’s -a very depressing thing to me, President Frost. [<i>With his hand on the -gate latch.</i>] I suppose you want me to tell ’em you won’t resign, don’t -you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> We won’t resign.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Well, then it’s only right to tell you that Judge Fossile of the -Supreme Court will bring a motion of impeachment at three o’clock this -afternoon.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He turns melancholy eyes on Doris’s window. He kisses his hand -toward it in a tragic gesture of farewell. Then he goes out.</i></p> - -<p><i>Jerry looks at Mr. Jones as though demanding encouragement.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> They don’t know the man they’re up against, do they, Mr. Jones?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> They certainly do not.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>lying desperately and not even convincing himself</i>]. I’ve got -resources they don’t know about.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> If you’ll pardon a suggestion, I think the best move you could -make, Mr. President, would be to demand your father’s resignation -immediately.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_79" id="page_79">{79}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>incredulously</i>]. Put Dada out? Why, he used to work in a bank -when he was young, and he knows all about the different amounts of -money.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>A pause.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>uncertainly</i>]. Do you think I’m the worst President they ever -had?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>considering</i>]. Well, no, there was that one they impeached.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>consoling himself</i>]. And then there was that other fellow—I -forget his name. He was <i>ter</i>rible. [<i>Another disconsolate pause.</i>] I -suppose I might as well go down and get a cigar.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> There’s just one more man out here to see you and he says he came -to do you a favor. His name is—the Honorable Snooks, or Snukes, -Ambassador from Irish Poland.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What country’s that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Irish Poland’s one of the new European countries. They took a -sort of job lot of territories that nobody could use and made a country -out of them. It’s got three or four acres of Russia and a couple of -mines in Austria and a few lots in Bulgaria and Turkey.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Show them all out here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> There’s only one. [<i>He goes into the White House, returning -immediately.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_80" id="page_80">{80}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> The Honorable Snooks, or Snukes, Ambassador to the United States -from Irish Poland.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The Honorable Snooks comes out through the swinging doors. His -resemblance to Mr. Snooks, the bootlegger, is, to say the least, -astounding. But his clothes—they are the clothes of the Corps -Diplomatique. Red stockings enclose his calves, fading at the knee -into black satin breeches. His coat, I regret to say, is faintly -reminiscent of the Order of Mystic Shriners, but a broad red ribbon -slanting diagonally across his diaphragm gives the upper part of -his body a svelte, cosmopolitan air. At his side is slung an -unusually long and cumbersome sword.</i></p> - -<p><i>He comes in slowly, I might even say cynically, and after a brief -nod at Jerry, surveys his surroundings with an appraising eye.</i></p> - -<p><i>Jones goes to the table and begins writing.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Got a nice house, ain’t you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>still depressed from recent reverses</i>]. Yeah.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Wite, hey?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>as if he had just noticed it</i>]. Yeah, white.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>after a pause</i>]. Get dirty quick.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>adopting an equally laconic manner</i>]. Have it washed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> How’s your old woman?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_81" id="page_81">{81}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>uneasily</i>]. She’s all right. Have a cigar?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>taking the proffered cigar</i>]. Thanks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> That’s all right. I got a lot of them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> That’s some cigar.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I got a lot of them. I don’t smoke that kind myself, but I got a -lot of them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> That’s swell.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>becoming boastful</i>]. See that tree? [<i>The white tree.</i>] Look, -that’s a special tree. You never saw a tree like that before. Nobody’s -got one but me. That tree was given to me by some natives.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> That’s swell.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> See this cane? The band around it’s solid gold.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Is that right? I thought maybe it was to keep the squirrels from -crawling up. [<i>Abruptly.</i>] Need any liquor? I get a lot, you know, on -account of bein’ an ambassador. Gin, vermuth, bitters, absinthe?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, I don’t.... See that sign? I bet you never saw one like that -before. I had it invented.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>bored</i>]. Class. [<i>Switching the subject.</i>] I hear you made your -old man Secretary of the Treasury.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> My father used to work in a——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> You’d ought to made him official Sandy Claus.... How you gettin’ -away with your job?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_82" id="page_82">{82}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>lying</i>]. Oh, fine—fine! You ought to see the military review -they had for me last week. Thousands and thousands of soldiers, and -everybody cheered when they saw me. [<i>Heartily.</i>] It was sort of -inspiring.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I seen you plantin’ trees in the movies.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>excitedly</i>]. Sure. I do that almost every day. That’s nothing to -some of the things I have to do. But the thing is, I’m not a bit stuck -up about any of it. See that gate?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Yeah.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>now completely and childishly happy</i>]. I had it made that way so -that anybody passing by along the street can look in. Cheer them up, -see? Sometimes I come out here and sit around just so if anybody passes -by—well, there I am.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. You ought to have yourself covered with radium -so they can see you in the dark. [<i>He changes his tone now and comes -down to business.</i>] Say, you’re lucky I found you in this morning. Got -the time with you?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry pulls out his watch. Snooks takes it as though to inspect it -more closely.</i></p></div> - -<p>Look here now, Mr. President. I got a swell scheme for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>trying to look keen</i>]. Let’s hear it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_83" id="page_83">{83}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> You needn’t got to think now, just ’cause I’m a hunerd per cent -Irish Pole, that I ain’t goin’ to do the other guy a favor once in a -while. An’ I got somep’m smooth for you. [<i>He puts Jerry’s watch in his -own pocket—the nerve of the man!</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What is it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>confidentially</i>]. Islands.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What islands?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> The Buzzard Islands.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry looks blank.</i></p></div> - -<p>Ain’t you neva hearda the Buzzard Islands?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>apologetically</i>]. I never was any good at geography. I used to -be pretty good in penmanship.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>in horror</i>]. You ain’t neva hearda the Buzzard Islands?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> It’s sort of a disagreeable name.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> The Buzzard Islands. Property of the country of Irish Poland. -Garden spots. Flowery paradises ina middle of the Atlantic. Rainbow -Islandsa milk an’ honey, palms an’ pines, smellin’ with good-smellin’ -woods and high-priced spices. Fulla animals with million buck skins and -with birds that’s got feathers that the hat dives on Fifth Avenue would -go nuts about. The folks in ee islands—swell-lookin’, husky, square, -rich, one hunerd per cent Buzzardites.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_84" id="page_84">{84}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>startled</i>]. You mean Buzzards?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> One hunerd per cent Buzzardites, crazy about their island, -butter, milk, live stock, wives, and industries.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>fascinated</i>]. Sounds sort of pretty, don’t it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Pretty? Say, it’s smooth! Now here’s my proposition, an’ take it -from me, it’s the real stuff. [<i>Impressively.</i>] The country of Irish -Poland wants to sell you the Buzzard Islands—cheap.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>impressed</i>]. You’re willing to sell ’em, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Listen. I’ll be fair with you. [<i>I regret to say that at this -point he leans close to Jerry, removes the latter’s stick pin and places -it in his own tie.</i>] I’ve handed you the swellest proposition ever laid -before a President since Andrew Jackson bought the population of Ireland -from Great Britain.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yeah?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>intently</i>]. Take it from me, Pres, and snap it up—dead cheap.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You’re sure it’s a good——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]. Say, do you think an ambassador would tell you -something that ain’t true?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [“<i>man to man</i>”]. That’s right, Mr. Snooks. I beg your pardon for -that remark.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>touching his handkerchief to his eyes</i>]. You hurt me, Pres, you -hurt me, but I forgive you.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_85" id="page_85">{85}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They shake hands warmly.</i></p> - -<p><i>And now Jerry has an idea—a gorgeous idea. Why didn’t he think of -it before? His voice literally trembles as he lays his plan before -Snooks.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Honorable Snooks, listen. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll—I’ll -take those Islands and pay—oh, say a round million dollars for them, on -one condition.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>quickly</i>]. Done. Name your condition.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>breathlessly</i>]. That you’ll let me throw in one of the States on -the trade.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> What State?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> The State of Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> How much do you want for it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>hastily</i>]. Oh, I’ll just throw that in free.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Snooks indicates Mr. Jones with his thumb.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Get him to take it down.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jones takes pen in hand. During the ensuing conversation he writes -busily.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>anxiously</i>]. The State of Idaho is just a gift, see? But you -<i>got</i> to take it.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Suddenly the Honorable Snooks realizes how the land lies. He looks -narrowly at Jerry, marvelling at an opportunity so ready to his -hand.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Jones</i>]. Here, get this down. We agree to<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_86" id="page_86">{86}</a></span> buy the Buzzard -Islands from the nation of Irish Poland for one million——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>interrupting</i>]. Two million.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Two million dollars, on condition that Irish Poland will also -incorporate into their nation the State of Idaho, with all its people. -Be sure and get that, Jones. With all its people.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> I have it. The State of Idaho and four hundred and thirty-one -thousand, eight hundred and sixty-six people. Including colored?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes, including colored.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>craftily</i>]. Just a minute, Pres. This here State of Idaho is -mostly mountains, ain’t it?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>anxiously</i>]. I don’t know. Is it, Mr. Jones?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> It has quite a few mountains.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>hesitating</i>]. Well, now, I don’t know if we better do it after -all——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>quickly</i>]. Three millions.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I’ll tell you, I’d like to pull it off for you, Pres, but you -see a State like that has gotta have upkeep. You take one of them -mountains, for instance. You can’t just let a mountain alone like you -would a—a ocean. You got to—to groom it. You got to—to chop it down. -You got to explore it. Now take that alone—you got to explore it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_87" id="page_87">{87}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>swallowing</i>]. Four millions.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> That’s more like it. Now these Buzzard Islands don’t require no -attention. You just have to let ’em alone. But you take the up-keep on a -thing like the State of Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>wiping his brow</i>]. Five millions.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Sold! You get the Buzzard Islands and we get five million bucks -and the State of Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Got that down, Jones?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> On second thoughts——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in a panic</i>]. No, no, you can’t get out of it. It’s all down in -black and white.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>resignedly</i>]. Awright. I must say, Mr. President, you turned -out to be a real man. When I first met you I wouldn’t have thought it, -but I been pleasantly surprised.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He slaps Jerry heartily on the back. Jerry is so tickled at the -solution of the Idaho problem that he feverishly seizes Snooks’s -hand.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> And even if Irish Poland gets stung on the deal, we’ll put it -through. Say, you and me ain’t politicians, fella, we’re statesmen, real -statesmen. You ain’t got a cigarette about you, have you?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry hands him his cigarette case. Snooks, after taking one, -returns the case to his own pocket.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_88" id="page_88">{88}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>enthusiastically</i>]. Send me a post-card, Ambassador Snooks. The -White House, City, will reach me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Post-card! Say, lay off. You and me are pals. I’d do anything -for a pal. Come on down to the corner and I’ll buy you a cigar.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Mr. Jones</i>]. I guess I can go out now for a while.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> Oh, yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Hang on to that treaty. And, say, when the Secretary of the -Treasury wakes up tell him I’ve got to have five million dollars right -away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> If you’ll just come into the office for a moment you can put your -signatures on it right away.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry and the Honorable Snooks go into the White House arm in arm, -followed by Mr. Jones. Presently Jerry can be seen in the window of -the President’s office.</i></p> - -<p><i>A moment later the doors swing open again, this time for the -tottering egress of Dada.</i></p> - -<p><i>Dada, not without difficulty, arranges himself a place in the sun. -He is preparing for his morning siesta, and, indeed, has almost -managed to spread a handkerchief over his face when in through the -gate comes Doris. Her eye falls on him and a stern purpose<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_89" id="page_89">{89}</a></span> is -born. Dada, seeing her approach, groans in anticipation.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Dada, I want to speak to you.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Dada blinks up at her, wearily.</i></p></div> - -<p>Dada, I want to tell you something for your own good and for Jerry’s -good. You want Jerry to keep his position, don’t you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Jerry’s a fine boy. He was born to my second wife in eighteen -hundred and——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>interrupting impatiently</i>]. Yes, I know he was. But I mean now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> No, I’ll never have any more children. Children are hard to raise -properly.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>This is aimed at her.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Look at here, Dada. What I think is the best thing to do is to -resign your position.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> The——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You’re too old, you see, if you know what I mean. You’re sort -of—oh, not crazy, but just sort of feeble-minded.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>who has caught one word</i>]. Yes, I’m a little feeble. [<i>He dozes -off.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>absorbed in her thesis</i>]. I don’t mean you’re crazy. Don’t get -mad. I don’t mean you go around<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_90" id="page_90">{90}</a></span> thinking you’re like Napoleon or a -poached egg or anything like that, but you’re sort of feeble-minded. -Don’t you understand, yourself? Sort of simple.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>waking up suddenly</i>]. How’s that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>infuriated</i>]. That’s <i>just</i> the sort of thing I was talking -about! Going to sleep like that when a person’s trying to tell you -something for your own son’s good. That’s just <i>exactly</i> what I mean!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>puzzled but resentful</i>]. I don’t like you. You’re a very forward -young girl. Your parents brought you up very unsuccessfully indeed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>smugly</i>]. All right. You’re just making me think so more than -ever. Go right ahead. Don’t mind me. Go right ahead. Then when you begin -to really <i>rave</i> I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>with an air of cold formality</i>]. I’ll ask you to excuse me. [<i>He -wants to get to sleep.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> First thing you know you’ll take all the money in the Treasury -and hide it and forget where you put it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>succinctly</i>]. There isn’t any money in the Treasury.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>after a stunned pause</i>]. Just what do you mean by that -statement?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>drowsily</i>]. There isn’t any money in the Treasury. There was -seven thousand dollars left yesterday,<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_91" id="page_91">{91}</a></span> but I worked from morning till -night and now there isn’t one red penny in there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You must be crazy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> [<i>He can scarcely keep awake.</i>] Hm.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Look at here! What do you mean—have you been spending that -money—that doesn’t belong to you, you know—on some fast woman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>as usual, he doesn’t quite hear</i>]. Yes, it’s all gone. I went -down yesterday morning and I said to myself: “Horatio, you got only -seven thousand dollars left, and you got to work from morning till night -and get rid of it.” And I did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>furious, but impressed at the magnitude of the crime</i>]. How much -was there altogether?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Altogether? I haven’t the figures with me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Why, you old dumb-bell, you. Imagine an old man your age that -hasn’t had anything to do for twenty years but just sit around and -<i>think</i>, going crazy about a woman at your age! [<i>With scornful pity.</i>] -Don’t you know she just made a fool of you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>shaking his finger at her</i>]. You must not talk like that. Be -courteous and——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yes, and pretty soon some woman comes along and you get -“courteous” with her to the extent of all the money in the Treasury.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_92" id="page_92">{92}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Yes, that’s one thing that stood me in good stead. My mother used -to say to me: “Horatio——”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>paying no attention to him</i>]. What was her name?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Her name was Roxanna.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Where did she get hold of you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> My mother?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Your paramour.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> She used to say to me: “Horatio——”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> She probably used to say a lot more than that! Oh, I know how -they handle old men like you. I’ve seen a lot of that. Slush is what -appeals to old men like you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> No—I said courtesy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You mean slush. What did she call you?—her old toodledums? And -all that sort of thing? How perfectly disgusting!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Out comes Jerry now, just in time to catch Dada’s next remark, and -to realize that there’s persecution in the air.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>to Doris</i>]. It’s been a hot day and I’ll ask you to excuse me. I -never liked you, you know.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Say, Doris, why can’t you leave Dada alone? He’s got more -important things to think about than your new dresses and your silk -stockings.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_93" id="page_93">{93}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Got something more important than silk stockings, has he? Ask -him!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Dada’s got a lot more to him than anybody ever gives him credit -for, haven’t you, Dada?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>excitedly</i>]. Yeah, yeah. All right. Wait till you hear what he’s -done now. Wait till you hear. [<i>To Dada.</i>] Tell him what you did at your -age. Some woman came up to him and said “Horatio—” [<i>She gives an -awe-inspiring imitation of a passionate woman.</i>] and he said: “Here——”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>interrupting</i>]. What woman did?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Her name was Roxanna. Ask him where all the money in the Treasury -is. At his age.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in growing alarm</i>]. Look at here, Doris——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> The—old—dumb-bell! I take back what I said about your not being -really crazy. [<i>To Jerry.</i>] Look out, he’ll begin to rave. [<i>She -pretends to be alarmed.</i>] Yes, Dada, you’re a poached egg. It’s all -right. I’ll send for the lunatic-asylum wagon.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I’ve been working in the dark. I thought it best.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You needn’t tell us all the disgusting details. Please respect my -engagement. You must have bought her about everything in the world. No -wonder I can’t get any good shoes in Washington. Jerry should have got -you analyzed.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_94" id="page_94">{94}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jerry now begins to realize that something appalling has indeed -happened. He sits down weakly.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I was working in the dark.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, Jerry should of had you analyzed in the dark.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>suddenly</i>]. Char-lit!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>at the upper window</i>]. Stop screaming at me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Charlit, come on out here!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Dada’s done something awful. At his age!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Hurry up out, Charlit!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You wouldn’t want me to come out in my chemise, would you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It wouldn’t matter. We’ll be kicked out, anyways.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Has Dada been drinking?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Worse than that. Some woman’s got ahold of him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Don’t let him go till I come down. I can handle him.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Mr. Jones comes out.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>impressively</i>]. I think the world is coming to an end at three -o’clock.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_95" id="page_95">{95}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>wildly</i>]. We’ve got a maniac here. Go get some rope.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Jones</span> [<i>in horror</i>]. Are you going to hang him?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Out rushes Charlotte.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> The United States was the wealthiest country in all the world. -It’s easier for a camel to pass through a needle’s eye than for a -wealthy man to enter heaven.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They all listen in expectant horror.</i></p></div> - -<p>So all the money in the Treasury I have had destroyed by fire, or dumped -into the deep sea. We are all saved.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Do you mean to say that you haven’t even got five million -dollars?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I finished it all up yesterday. It was not easy. It took a lot of -resourcefulness, but I did it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in horror</i>]. But I’ve got to have five million dollars this -afternoon or I can’t get rid of Idaho, and I’ll be impeached!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>complacently</i>]. We’re all saved.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>wildly</i>]. You mean we’re all lost!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He sinks disconsolately into a chair and buries his face in his -hands. Charlotte, who knew everything would go to pieces, stands -over him with an “I told you so” air. Doris shakes her finger at -Dada, who shakes his finger vigorously back at her. Mr.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_96" id="page_96">{96}</a></span> Jones, -with great presence of mind, produces the cocktail shaker and -passes around the consoling glasses to the violently agitated -household.</i></p></div> - -<hr style="width: 45%;" /> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>At two-thirty the horizontal sunlight is bright upon the White -House lawn. Through the office window the President can be seen, -bent over his desk in an attitude of great dejection. And here -comes the Honorable Snooks through the gate, looking as if he’d -been sent for. Mr. Jones hurries forth from the White House to -greet him.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Did you send for me, fella?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>excitedly</i>]. I should say we did, Honorable Snooks. Sit down and -I’ll get the President.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>As Mr. Jones goes in search of the President, Dada comes in -through the gate at a triumphant tottering strut. He includes the -Honorable Snooks in the splendor of his elation.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>jubilantly</i>]. Hooray! Hooray! I worked in the dark, but I won -out!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>with profound disgust</i>]. Well, if it ain’t Sandy Claus!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> This is a great day for me, Mr.— You see the world is coming to an -end.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_97" id="page_97">{97}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Well, Sandy Claus, everybody’s got a right to enjoy themselves -their own way.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> That’s in strict confidence, you understand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I wouldn’t spoil the surprise for nothin’.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Out rushes Jerry.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in great excitement</i>]. Honorable Snooks—Honorable Snooks——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>suddenly</i>]. Hooray! In at the finish.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He tries to slap the Honorable Snooks on the back, but the -Honorable Snooks steps out of the way, and Dada loses his balance. -Snooks and Jerry pick him up.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>suspiciously</i>]. Dada, have you been drinking?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Just a little bit. Just enough to fortify me. I never touched a -drop before to-day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> You’re a naughty boy.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Yes, I think I’ll go in and rest up for the big event.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>He wanders happily into the White House.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in a hushed voice</i>]. Honorable Snooks, Dada has done something -awful.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>pointing after Dada</i>]. Him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> He took all the money in the Treasury and destroyed it.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_98" id="page_98">{98}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> What type of talk is that? You tryin’ to kid me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You see, he’s a very religious man, Honorable Snooks——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> You mean you ain’t got five million for me. [<i>Jerry shakes his -head.</i>] Good <i>night</i>! This is a swell country. A bunch of Indian givers!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> There’s no use cursing at me, Honorable Snooks. I’m a broken man -myself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Say, can the sob stuff an’ call up the Treasury. Get ’em to -strike off a couple billion dollars more. You’re the President, ain’t -you?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Cheering up a little, Jerry goes to the telephone.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Give me the Treasury Department.... Say, this is President Frost -speaking. I just wanted to ask you if you couldn’t strike off a little -currency, see? About—about five million dollars, see? And if you didn’t -know whose picture to put on ’em you could put my picture on ’em, see? I -got a good picture I just had taken.... You can’t strike any off?... -Well, I just asked you.... Well, I just thought I’d ask you.... Well, no -harm done—I just <i>asked</i> you—it didn’t hurt to <i>ask</i>, did it? [<i>He -rings off despondently.</i>] It didn’t hurt ’em to <i>ask</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Nothin’ doin’, eh?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>In comes Mr. Jones.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_99" id="page_99">{99}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> It’s all over, Mr. President. I’ve just received word that Chief -Justice Fossile of the Supreme Court, accompanied by the Senate -Committee on Inefficiency, is on his way to the White House.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry sits down, completely overcome. Jones retires.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> They goin’ to throw you out on your ear, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>brooding</i>]. It’s that low, mean bunch of people out in Idaho.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Snooks, who has been ruminating on the situation, comes to a -decision.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Look at here, Mr. President, I’m goin’ to help you out. I’ll -pass up that five million bucks and we’ll make a straight swap of the -Buzzard Islands for the State of Idaho.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>in amazement</i>]. You’ll give me the Buzzard Islands for the State -of Idaho?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Snooks nods. Jerry wrings his hand in great emotion.</i></p> - -<p><i>At this point Charlotte comes out of the White House. At the sight -of the Honorable Snooks a somewhat disapproving expression passes -over her face.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>excitedly</i>]. Charlit—Charlit. This gentleman has saved me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>suspiciously</i>]. Who is he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> His name is The Honorable Snooks, Charlit.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_100" id="page_100">{100}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>under Charlotte’s stern eye</i>]. Well, I guess I got to be goin’.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Won’t you stay for my husband’s impeachment? We’re having a -few people in.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Out comes Doris, accompanied by Dada. Dada is in such a state of -exultation that much to Doris’s annoyance he is attempting a -gavotte with her.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>repulsing him</i>]. Say, haven’t I got enough troubles having to -throw over my fiancé, without having you try to do your indecent old -dances with me?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Dada sits down and regards the heavens with a long telescope.</i></p> - -<p><i>Jerry has now recovered his confidence and is marching up and down -waving his arms and rehearsing speeches under his breath. Snooks -taps Dada’s head and winks lewdly at Charlotte and Doris.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Honestly, everybody seems to be going a little crazy around here. -Is Jerry going to be fired or isn’t he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He says he isn’t, but I don’t believe him for a minute.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Jones comes out, followed by an excitable Italian gentleman with -long, musical hair.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones.</span> This gentleman said he had an appointment with Miss Doris.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_101" id="page_101">{101}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Who are you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Gentleman.</span> I am Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band. I am ordered to -come here with my band at three o’clock to play high-class jazz at young -lady’s wedding reception.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I remember now. I <i>did</i> order him. It’s supposed to be the best -jazz band in the country.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Stutz-Mozart</i>]. Don’t you know there’s going to be a big -political crisis here at three o’clock?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> We can’t use you now, Mr. Stutz-Mozart. Anyways, I had to throw -over my fiancé on account of political reasons.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Stutz-Mozart</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]. But I have my orang-outang band outside.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>her eyes staring</i>]. Real orang-outangs?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Of course not. They just call it that because they look kind of -like orang-outangs. And they play kind of like orang-outangs, sort of. I -mean the way orang-outangs would play if they knew how to play at all.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>to Stutz-Mozart</i>]. Well, you’ll have to get them away from here. -I can’t have a lot of senators and judges coming in and finding me with -a bunch of men that look like orang-outangs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Stutz-Mozart.</span> But I have been hired to play.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_102" id="page_102">{102}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes, but what do you think people would say? They’d say: Yes, -here’s a fine sort of President we’ve got. All his friends look sort of -like orang-outangs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Stutz-Mozart.</span> You waste my time. You pay me or else we play.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Look at here. If you’re one of these radical agitators my advice -to you is to go right back where you came from.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Stutz-Mozart.</span> I came from Hoboken.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>He goes threateningly out the gate.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jones</span> [<i>announcing from the steps</i>]. Chief Justice Fossile of the -Supreme Court, accompanied by a committee from the Senate!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>to Jerry</i>]. Speak right up to them. Show them you’re not -just a vegetable.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Here they come! Chief Justice Fossile, in a portentous white wig, -is walking ponderously at the head of the procession. Five of the -six Senators who follow him are large, grave gentlemen whose -cutaway coats press in their swollen stomachs. Beside them Senator -Fish seems frail and ineffectual.</i></p> - -<p><i>The delegation comes to a halt before Jerry, who regards it -defiantly, but with some uneasiness.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> To the President of the United States—greetings.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_103" id="page_103">{103}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>nervously</i>]. Greetings yourself.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Mr. Jones has provided chairs, and the Senators seat themselves in -a row, with Judge Fossile in front. Fish looks miserably at Doris. -The Honorable Snooks lurks in the shadow of the Special Tree.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Mr. President, on the motion of the gentleman from -Idaho— [<i>He points to Fish, who tries unsuccessfully to shrink out of -sight.</i>] we have come to analyze you, with a view to impeachment.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>sarcastically</i>]. Oh, is that so? [<i>He looks for encouragement at -Charlotte. Charlotte grunts.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> I believe that is the case, Senator Fish?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>nervously</i>]. Yes, but personally I like him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, you do, do you? [<i>She nudges Jerry.</i>] Speak right up to -them like that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Oh, you do, do you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Remove that woman!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>No one pays any attention to his request.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Now, Mr. President, do you absolutely refuse to resign on -the request of the Senator from Idaho?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You’re darn right I refuse!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Well, then, I—<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_104" id="page_104">{104}</a></span>—</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>At this point Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band outside of the -wall launches into a jovial jazz rendition of “Way Down upon the -Suwanee River.” Suspecting it to be the national anthem, the -Senators glance at each other uneasily, and then, removing their -silk hats, get to their feet, one by one. Even Judge Fossile stands -at respectful attention until the number dies away.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Ha-ha! That wasn’t “The Star-Spangled Banner.”</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The Senators look confused.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>tragically</i>]. This was to have been my wedding reception day.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Senator Fish begins to weep softly to himself.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile</span> [<i>angrily to Jerry</i>]. This is preposterous, sir! You’re a -dangerous man! You’re a menace to the nation! We will proceed no -further. Have you anything to say before we vote on the motion made by -the State of Idaho?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Yes, he has. He’s got a whole mouthful!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> This is the feature moment of my life. Cecil B. Demille would -shoot it with ten cameras.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Remove these women.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_105" id="page_105">{105}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The women are not removed.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>nervously</i>]. Gentlemen, before you take this step into your -hands I want to put my best foot forward. Let us consider a few aspects. -For instance, for the first aspect let us take, for example, the War of -the Revolution. There was ancient Rome, for example. Let us not only -live so that our children who live after us, but also that our ancestors -who preceded us and fought to make this country what it is!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>General applause.</i></p></div> - -<p>And now, gentlemen, a boy to-day is a man to-morrow—or, rather, in a -few years. Consider the winning of the West—Daniel Boone and Kit -Carson, and in our own time Buffalo Bill and—and Jesse James!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Prolonged applause.</i></p></div> - -<p>Finally, in closing, I want to tell you about a vision of mine that I -seem to see. I seem to see -Columbia—Columbia—ah—blindfolded—ah—covered with scales—driving -the ship of state over the battle-fields of the republic into the heart -of the golden West and the cotton-fields of the sunny South.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Great applause. Mr. Jones, with his customary thoughtfulness, -serves a round of cocktails.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile</span> [<i>sternly</i>]. Gentlemen, you must not let yourselves be -moved by this man’s impassioned rhetoric.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_106" id="page_106">{106}</a></span> The State of Idaho has moved -his impeachment. We shall put it to a vote——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>interrupting</i>]. Listen here, Judge Fossile, a state has got to -be part of a country in order to impeach anybody, don’t they?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, the State of Idaho doesn’t belong to the United States any -more.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>A general sensation. Senator Fish stands up and sits down.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Then who does it belong to?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>pushing his way to the front</i>]. It belongs to the nation of -Irish Poland.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>An even greater sensation.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> The State of Idaho is nothing but a bunch of mountains. I’ve -traded it to the nation of Irish Poland for the Buzzard Islands.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Mr. Jones hands the treaty to Judge Fossile.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>on his feet</i>]. Judge Fossile, the people of Idaho——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Treason! Treason! Set down, fella! You’re a subject of the -nation of Irish Poland.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>pointing to Fish</i>]. Those foreigners think they can run this -country.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_107" id="page_107">{107}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The other Senators shrink away from Fish.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile</span> [<i>to Fish</i>]. If you want to speak as a citizen of the -United States, you’ll have to take out naturalization papers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> I won’t let him. I’m goin’ to take him with me. He’s part of our -property.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He seizes the indignant Fish firmly by the arm and pins a large -“Sold” badge to the lapel of his coat.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>heartily</i>]. Well, I’m certainly glad I didn’t marry a foreigner.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Just at this point, when Jerry seems to have triumphed all around, -there is the noise of a fife and drum outside, and General Pushing -marches in, followed by his musical escort. The General is in a -state of great excitement.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> Mr. President, I am here on the nation’s business!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Senators.</span> Hurrah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> War must be declared!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Senators.</span> Hurrah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Who is the enemy?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> The enemy is the nation of Irish Poland!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_108" id="page_108">{108}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>All eyes are now turned upon Snooks, who looks considerably -alarmed.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>raising his voice</i>]. On to the Buzzard Islands!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Senators.</span> Hurrah! Hurrah! Down with Irish Poland!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Now, Mr. President, all treaties are off!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>looking scornfully at Jerry</i>]. He tried to trade the -State of Idaho for some islands full of Buzzards. Bah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Senators.</span> Bah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>indignantly</i>]. What’s ee idea? Is this a frame-up to beat the -nation of Irish Poland outa their rights? We want the State of Idaho. -You want the Buzzard Islands, don’t you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing.</span> We can take them by force. We’re at war. [<i>To the -Senators.</i>] We’ve ordered all stuffed Buzzards to be removed from the -natural history museums. [<i>Cheers.</i>] And domestic Buzzards are now fair -game, both in and out of season. [<i>More cheers.</i>] Buzzard domination -would be unthinkable.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile</span> [<i>pointing to Jerry</i>]. And now, Senators. How many of you -vote for the impeachment of this enemy of the commonwealth?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The five Senators stand up.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_109" id="page_109">{109}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile</span> [<i>to Jerry</i>]. The verdict of a just nation. Is there any -one here to say why this verdict should not stand?</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Dada, who all this time has been absorbed in the contemplation of -the heavens, suddenly throws down his telescope with a crash.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>in a tragic voice</i>]. It’s too late!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">All.</span> Too late?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Too late for the world to end this afternoon. I must have missed -the date by two thousand years. [<i>Wringing his hands.</i>] I shall destroy -myself!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Dada tries to destroy himself. He produces a pistol, aims at -himself, and fires. He flounders down—but he has missed.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>standing over him and shaking her finger</i>]. You miss -<i>ev</i>erything! I’m going to send for the lunatic-asylum wagon—if it’ll -<i>come</i>!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>shaking his finger back at her</i>]. Your parents brought you up -very unsuccessfully——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile.</span> Silence! I will pronounce sentence of impeachment on this -enemy of mankind. Look upon him!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They all look dourly at Jerry.</i></p></div> - -<p>Now, gentlemen, the astronomers tell us that in the far<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_110" id="page_110">{110}</a></span> heavens, near -the southern cross, there is a vast space called the hole in the sky, -where the most powerful telescope can discover no comet nor planet nor -star nor sun.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>They all look very cold and depressed. Jerry shivers. Fish picks -up Dada’s abandoned telescope and begins an eager examination of -the firmament.</i></p></div> - -<p>In that dreary, cold, dark region of space the Great Author of Celestial -Mechanism has left the chaos which was in the beginning. If the earth -beneath my feet were capable of expressing its emotions it would, with -the energy of nature’s elemental forces, heave, throw, and project this -enemy of mankind into that vast region, there forever to exist in a -solitude as eternal as—as eternity.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>When he finishes a funereal silence falls.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>his voice shaken with grief</i>]. Well, Judge, all I’ve got to say -is that no matter what you’d done I wouldn’t want to do all those things -to you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Judge Fossile</span> [<i>thunderously</i>]. Have you anything more to say?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>rising through his defeat to a sort of eloquent defiance</i>]. Yes. -I want to tell you all something. I don’t want to be President. [<i>A -murmur of surprise.</i>] I never asked to be President. Why—why, I don’t -even know how in hell I ever <i>got</i> to be President!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_111" id="page_111">{111}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>in horror</i>]. Do you mean to say that there’s one -American citizen who does not desire the sacred duty of being President? -Sir, may I ask, then, just what you do want?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>wildly</i>]. Yes! I want to be left alone.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Outside the wall Mr. Stutz-Mozart’s Orang-Outang Band strikes up -“The Bee’s Knees.” The Senators arise respectfully and remove their -hats, and General Pushing, drawing his sword, stands at the -salute.</i></p> - -<p><i>Four husky baggage smashers stagger out of the White House with -the trunks of the Frost family, and hurry with them through the -gate. Half a dozen assorted suitcases are flung after the trunks.</i></p> - -<p><i>The music continues to play, the Senators continue to stand. The -Frost family gaze at their departing luggage, each under the spell -of a different emotion.</i></p> - -<p><i>Charlotte is the first to pick up her grip. As she turns to the -Senators, the music sinks to pianissimo, so her words are -distinctly audible.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> If it’s any satisfaction to you, I’m going to be a different -wife to him from now on. From now on I’m going to make his life -perfectly miserable.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Charlotte goes out to a great burst of jazz. Dada, with some -difficulty, locates his battered carpet-bag.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> I find I missed the date by two thousand years. Eventually I will -destroy myself.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_112" id="page_112">{112}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Dada is gone now, hurried out between two porters, and Doris is -next. With dignity she selects her small but arrogant hand-bag.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> All I want to say is if Cecil B. Demille ever saw the White House -he’d say: “All right, that may do for the gardener’s cottage. Now I’ll -start building a <i>real</i> house.”</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>As she leaves she tries desperately to walk out of step with the -music and avoid the suggestion of marching. The attempt is not -altogether successful.</i></p> - -<p><i>President Jerry Frost now picks up his bag.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>defiantly</i>]. Well, anyways I showed you you couldn’t put -anything over on me. [<i>Glancing around, his eye falls on the “Special -Tree.” He goes over and pulls it up by the roots.</i>] This was given to me -by some natives. That sign’s mine, too. I had it invented. [<i>He -pauses.</i>] I guess you think I wasn’t much good as a President, don’t -you? Well, just try electing me again.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">General Pushing</span> [<i>sternly</i>]. We won’t! As a President you’d make a good -postman.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>At this sally there is a chorus of laughter.</i></p> - -<p><i>Then Charlotte’s voice again. Does it come from outside the gate, -or, mysteriously enough, from somewhere above?</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_113" id="page_113">{113}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>very distinctly</i>]. Shut the door! I can smell that stuff up -here!</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>A bewildered look comes into Jerry’s eyes. He says “What?” in a -loud voice.</i></p> - -<p><i>Then with the tree in one hand and his grip in the other, he is -hurried, between two porters, briskly toward the gate, while the -Orang-Outang Band crashes into louder and louder jazz and</i></p></div> - -<p class="fint"><span class="smcap">The Curtain Falls</span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_114" id="page_114">{114}</a></span></p> - -<h2><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III"></a>ACT III</h2> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Now we’re back at the Frosts’ house, and it’s a week after the -events narrated in Act I. It is about nine o’clock in the morning, -and through the open windows the sun is shining in great, brave -squares upon the carpet. The jars, the glasses, the phials of a -certain memorable night have been removed, but there is an air -about the house quite inconsistent with the happy day outside, an -air of catastrophe, a profound gloom that seems to have settled -even upon the “Library of Wit and Humor” in the dingy bookcase.</i></p> - -<p><i>There is brooding going on upon the premises.</i></p> - -<p><i>A quick tat-tat-tat from outdoors—the clatter of someone running -up the porch steps. The door opens and Doris comes in, Doris in a -yellowish skirt with a knit jersey to match, Doris chewing, faintly -and delicately, what can surely be no more than a sheer wisp of -gum.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>calling</i>]. Char-lotte.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">A Voice</span> [<i>broken and dismal, from up-stairs</i>]. Is that you, Doris?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yeah. Can I come up?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_115" id="page_115">{115}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Voice.</span> [<i>It’s Charlotte’s. You’d scarcely have recognized it.</i>] I’ll -come down.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Heard anything from Jerry?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Not a word.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Doris regards herself silently, but with interest, in a small -mirror on the wall. In comes Charlotte—and oh, how changed from -herself of last week. Her nose and eyes are red from weeping. She’s -chastened and depressed.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>with cheerful pessimism</i>]. Haven’t heard a word, eh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>lugubriously</i>]. No. Not one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>impressed in spite of herself</i>]. Son of a gun! And he sneaked -away a week ago to-night.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> It was that awful liquor, I <i>know</i>. He sat up all night and -in the morning he was gone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It’s the funniest thing I ever heard of, his sneaking off this -way.... Say, Charlotte, I’ve been meaning to say something to you for a -couple of days, but I didn’t want to get you depressed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> How could I possibly be any more depressed than I am?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, I just wanted to ask you if you’d tried the morgue yet. -[<i>Charlotte gives a little scream.</i>] Wait a minute. Get control of -yourself. I simply think you<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_116" id="page_116">{116}</a></span> ought to <i>try</i> it. If he’s anywhere you -ought to locate him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>wildly</i>]. Oh, he’s not dead! He’s not dead!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I didn’t say he was, did I? I didn’t say he was. But when a fella -wanders out tight after drinking some of this stuff, you can’t tell -<i>where</i> you’ll find him. Let me tell you, Charlotte, I’ve had more -experience with this sort of thing than you have.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> The detective is coming to report this morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Has he been combing the dives? You ought to have him comb the -dives, Charlotte. I saw a picture last week that ought to be a lesson to -any woman that loses her husband in a funny way like this. The woman in -this picture lost her husband and she just combed the dives and—there -he was.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>suspiciously</i>]. What was he doing?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Some vampire was sitting on his lap in a café. [<i>Charlotte -moans.</i>] But it does show that if you do have the dives combed, you can -find ’em. That’s what this woman did.... There’s where most men go when -they wander out like that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, no, Jerry wouldn’t go to the dives, or the—the morgue, -either. He’s never drank or done<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_117" id="page_117">{117}</a></span> anything like that till that night. -He’s always been so mild and patient.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>This is a new note from Charlotte.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>after a thoughtful pause</i>]. Maybe he’s gone to Hollywood to go -in the movies. They say a lot of lost men turn up there.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>brokenly</i>]. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m -re-responsible. He said that night he might have been P-President if it -hadn’t been for me. He’d just been analyzed, and they found he was -per-perfect.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, with no reflections on the dead or anything like that, -Charlotte, he wasn’t so wonderful as you make out. You can take it from -me, he never would have been anything more than a postman if you hadn’t -made him be a railroad clerk.... I’d have the dives combed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>eulogistically</i>]. He was a good husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You’ll get over it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Cheer up. In a year or so you’ll never know you ever had a -husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>bursting into tears at this</i>]. But I want him back.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>reminiscently</i>]. Do you know the song? Do you know the song? -[<i>She sings</i>:]</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_118" id="page_118">{118}</a></span></p> - -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<span class="i0">“A good man is hard to find<br /></span> -<span class="i1">You always get the other kind<br /></span> -<span class="i1">And when you think that he is your friend<br /></span> -<span class="i1">You look around and find him scratching<br /></span> -<span class="i1">’Round some other hen——”<br /></span> -</div></div> -</div> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>She has forgotten her ethical connection and begins to enjoy the -song for itself, when Charlotte interrupts.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>in torture</i>]. Oh, don’t! Don’t!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Oh, excuse me. I didn’t think you’d take it personally.... It’s -just about colored people.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, do you suppose he’s with some colored women?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>scornfully</i>]. No-o-o! What you need is to get your mind off it -for a while. Just say to yourself if he’s in a dive, he’s in a dive, and -if he’s in Hollywood, he’s in Hollywood, and if he’s in the morgue——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>frantically</i>]. If you say that word again, I’ll go crazy!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span>—well, in that <i>place</i>, then, just say: “I can’t do anything -about it, so I’m going to forget it.” That’s what you want to say to -yourself.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> It’s easy enough to <i>say</i>, but I can’t get my mind——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yes, you can. [<i>Magnanimously.</i>] I’ll tell<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_119" id="page_119">{119}</a></span> you about what I’ve -been doing. I’ve had sort of a scrap with Joseph.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Joseph who?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Joseph Fish. He’s that fella I brought around here, only you -didn’t meet him. I told you about him. The one I got engaged to about -ten days ago. His patents were in the mortuary business.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, I been trying to make him stop chewing gum. I offered to -give it up if he would. I think it’s sort of common when two people that -go together are always whacking away at a piece of gum, don’t you?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>There’s a ring at the door-bell.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> That’s the detective.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>prudently</i>]. Have you got that liquor hidden?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I threw that horrible stuff away. Go let him in.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Charlotte goes to the door and ushers in the detective. The -detective wears an expression of profound sagacity upon his -countenance.</i></p></div> - -<p>Have you found him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>impressively</i>]. Mrs. Frost, I think so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Alive?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_120" id="page_120">{120}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Alive.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Where is he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Wait. Be calm. I’ve had several clews, and I’ve been -following them up one at a time. And I’ve located a man, who answers to -the first name of Jerry, that I think is your husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Where did you find him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> He was picked up trying to jimmy his way into a house on -Crest Avenue.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Good heavens!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Yep—and his name is Jerry. He had it tattooed on his -arm.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Good God!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> But there’s one thing that’s different from your -description. What color is your husband’s hair?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Brown.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Brown? Are you sure?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Am I sure? Of course I’m sure.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>to Doris</i>]. Do you collaborate that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> When he left here it was brown.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Well, this fella’s hair was red.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, it’s not Jerry then—it’s not Jerry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. Well, now, how do you know?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_121" id="page_121">{121}</a></span> Maybe— [<i>She turns -to the detective.</i>] You see, this fella had been drinking some of this -funny liquor you get around here sometimes and it may just have turned -his hair red.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>to the detective</i>]. Oh, do you think so?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> I never heard of a case like that. I knew a fella whose -hair was turned white by it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I knew one, too. What was the name of the fella you knew?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Did this man claim to be my husband?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> No, madam, he didn’t. He said he had two wives out in -Montana, but none that he knew of in these parts. But of course he may -have been bluffing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It doesn’t sound like Jerry to me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> But you can identify him by that tattoo mark.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>hastily</i>]. Oh, he never had one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Are you sure?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>his face falling</i>]. Well, then, he’s not our man, -because this fella’s tattoo marks are three years old. Well, that’s a -disappointment. That’s a great disappointment for me. I’ve wasted some -time over this man. I’d been hoping he’d—ah—do.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_122" id="page_122">{122}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>hastily</i>]. Oh, no, he wouldn’t do at all. I’ll have to have -the right man or I won’t pay you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Well, now then, I’ve been following up another clew. Did -your husband ever have aphasia?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, no, he’s always been very healthy. He had some skin -trouble about——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He doesn’t mean that, Charlotte. Aphasia’s where a man runs off -and commits murder and falls in love with a young girl under another -name.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, no, he’s never done anything like this ever before.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Suppose you tell me exactly what did happen.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, I told you he’d been drinking something that had -spirits of nitrogen in it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Spirits of nitrogen!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> That’s what the man said. It was sympathetic gin that this -man had persuaded Jerry into buying.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> And he’d been talking all evening about all the things he -could have done if I hadn’t stood in his way. He had some examination -he’d just taken.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>explaining</i>]. A psychical examination.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_123" id="page_123">{123}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>wisely</i>]. I see.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> And my sister came over with the man she’s going to marry, -and she came up to see me, and when she came down Jerry was asleep in -his chair. Well, I didn’t go down. I wish I had now. And my sister here -and her fellow went away. Then I went to bed, and it seems to me I could -hear Jerry talking to himself in his sleep all night. I woke up about -twelve, and he was saying something loud, and I told him to shut the -door, because I could smell that awful sympathetic gin way up-stairs.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Yes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> And that’s all. When I came down next morning at seven, he -was gone.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>rising</i>]. Well, Mrs. Frost, if your man can be located, -I’m going to locate him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Have you thought of combing the dives?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> What?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Have you combed the dives? It seems to me that I’d make the -rounds of all the dives, and I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if you’d see -this man with somebody sitting on his knee.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. Does he run to that?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>hurriedly</i>]. Oh, no. Oh, no.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. How do you know?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_124" id="page_124">{124}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>A brisk knock at the door. Doris opens it eagerly, admitting a -small, fat, gray-haired man in a state of great indignation.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. Is this the pursued?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Man</span> [<i>sternly</i>]. You are speaking to Mr. Pushing. I employ or did -employ the man who lives in this house.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>wildly</i>]. Oh, where is he?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Pushing.</span> That’s what I came here to find out. He hasn’t been at work -for a week. I’m going to let him go.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> You ought to be ashamed of yourself. He may be dead.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Pushing.</span> Dead or alive, he’s fired. I had him analyzed. He didn’t -have any ambition, and my analyzer gave him nothing but a row of -goose-eggs. Bah!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I don’t care. He’s mine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>correcting her</i>]. “Was” mine.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">The Detective.</span> Maybe you could tell me something about his habits in -business hours.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Mr. Pushing.</span> If you’ll come along with me I’ll show you his analyzed -record. We’re having it framed. [<i>Contemptuously.</i>] Good morning.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He goes out. The Detective, after a nod at Charlotte and Doris, -follows him.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_125" id="page_125">{125}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, I should think you’d be encouraged.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, that detective found a fella that’s something like him. The -same first name, anyway. That shows they’re getting warm.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Somehow it doesn’t encourage me.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>Uncertain steps on the stairs. Dada appears wearing a battered hat -and carrying a book under his arm.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Hello, Dada. Where you going?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>hearing vague words</i>]. Hm.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He’s going down to the library.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>in spirited disagreement</i>]. No. You were wrong that time. I’m not -going to the park. I’m going to the library.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>sternly</i>]. Where do you think your son is?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> The——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>louder</i>]. Where do you think Jerry is, by this time?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. Didn’t you tell me he was away?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte nods drearily.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>placidly</i>]. Hasn’t come back yet?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No. We’re having the dives combed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Well, don’t worry. I remember I ran away<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_126" id="page_126">{126}</a></span> from home once. It was -in 1846. I wanted to go to Philadelphia and see the Zoo. I tried to get -home, but they took me and locked me up.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>to Charlotte</i>]. In the monkey house, I bet.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> [<i>He missed this, thank God!</i>] Yes, that’s the only time I ever -ran away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> But this is a more serious thing, Dada.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Boys will be boys.... Well, it looks like a nice day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>to Doris</i>]. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t even understand what -it’s all about. When the detective searched his bedroom he thought it -was the plumber.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He understands. Sure you do, don’t you, Dada? You understand what -it’s all about, don’t you, Dada?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>aggravatingly</i>]. The——?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh, let him go. He makes me nervous.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Maybe he could think out some place where Jerry’s gone. He’s -supposed to <i>think</i> so much.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Well, good afternoon. I think I’ll go down to the library. [<i>Dada -goes out by the front door.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Listen, Charlotte. I was going to tell you about Joseph—to get -your mind off yourself, don’t you remember?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Yes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_127" id="page_127">{127}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I’ve gotten sort of tired of him. Honestly, I ought to get myself -psychoanalyzed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why don’t you throw him over then? You ought to know how by -this time.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Of course, having been unlucky in your own marriageable -experience, you aren’t in a position to judge what I should do.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Do you love him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, not—not especially.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Then throw him over.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I would—except for one thing. You see, it’d be sort of hard.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> No, it wouldn’t.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yes, it would. It wouldn’t be any cinch.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, you see I’ve been married to him for three days.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>astounded</i>]. What!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> That isn’t very long, but you see in marriage every day counts.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Well, then, you can’t throw him over.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It’s next to impossible, I guess.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Was it a secret marriage?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yes, there was nobody there but I and Joseph and the fella that -did it. And I’m still living at<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_128" id="page_128">{128}</a></span> home. You see, this girl that Joe was -keeping waiting to see whether he was going to marry me or not, got -impatient, and said she couldn’t be kept waiting any longer. It made her -sort of nervous. She couldn’t eat her meals.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> So you got married. And now you’re tired of him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No, not exactly that, but it just sort of makes me uncomfortable, -Charlotte, to know that you can’t throw over the man you’ve got without -causing a lot of talk. Suppose he took to drink or something. You know -everybody can’t get rid of their husbands as easy as you did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> One husband was always enough for me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> One may be all right for you, Charlotte, because you’re a -monographist, but supposing Rudolph Valentino, or the Prince of Wales, -or John D. Rockefeller was to walk in here and say: “Doris, I’ve -worshipped you from a distance on account of the picture that you sent -to the fame and fortune contest of the movie magazine, that got left out -by accident or lost or something. Will you marry me?” What would you -say, Charlotte?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I’d say no. I’d say, give me back Jerry.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Would you let having a husband stand in<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_129" id="page_129">{129}</a></span> the way of your life’s -happiness? I tell you I wouldn’t. I’d say to Joe: “You run up to the -store and buy a bag of peanuts and come back in about twenty years.” I -would, Charlotte. If I could marry Douglas Fairbanks I’d get rid of -Joseph in some peaceful way if I <i>could</i>—but if I couldn’t I’d give him -some glass cough-drops without a minute’s hesitation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>horrified</i>]. Doris!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> And I told Joseph so, too. This marriage business is all right -for narrow-minded people, but I like to be where I can throw over a -fella when it gets to be necessary.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> If you had Jerry you wouldn’t feel that way.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Why, can’t you see, Charlotte, that’s the way Jerry must have -felt?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte, overcome, rises to go.</i></p></div> - -<p>And, Charlotte, I don’t want to depress you, but if he <i>is</i>—if it turns -out that he is in the mor—in that place—I know where you can get some -simply <i>stunning</i> mourning for——</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte begins to weep.</i></p></div> - -<p>Why, what’s the matter? I just thought it’d cheer you up to know you -could get it cheap. You’ll have to watch your money, you know.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_130" id="page_130">{130}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Charlotte hurries from the room.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I wonder what’s the matter with her.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Joseph Fish</span> [<i>outside</i>]. Oh, Doris!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Doris goes to the window.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> How did you know I was here?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>outside</i>]. They told me at your house. Can I come in?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Yes, but don’t holler around so. Haven’t you got any respect for -the missing?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Fish comes in.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Doris, I’m awfully sorry about——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Oh, Joseph, haven’t you got any sense? Sitting there last night -everything was perfect, and just when I was feeling sentimental you -began talking about embalming—in the <i>twi</i>light. And I was just about -to take out my removable bridge....</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> I’m sorry.... Have they found your sister’s husband yet?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Has he gone away permanently? Or for good?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> We don’t know. We’re having the dives combed. Listen, has any one -in your family ever had aphasia?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> What’s that?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_131" id="page_131">{131}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Where you go off and fall in love with girls and don’t know what -you’re doing.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> I think my uncle had that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Sort of dazed?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Well, sort of. When there was any women around he got sort of -dazed.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>thoughtfully</i>]. I wonder if you could inherit a thing from your -uncle. [<i>She removes her gum secretly.</i>] What are you chewing, Joe?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Oh, just an old piece of something I found in my mouth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It’s gum. I thought I asked you not to chew gum. It doesn’t look -clean-cut for a man to be chewing gum. You haven’t got any sense of -what’s nice, Joseph. See here, suppose I was at a reception and went up -to Mrs. Astor or Mrs. Vanderbilt or somebody, like this: [<i>She replaces -her own gum in her mouth—she needs it for her imitation.</i>] How do you -do, Mrs. Vanderbilt? [<i>Chew, chew.</i>] What do you think she’d say? Do you -think she’d stand it? Not for a minute.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Well, when I start going with Mrs. Vanderbilt will be plenty of -time to stop.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>From outside is heard the sound of a metallic whistle, a melodious -call in C major.</i></p></div> - -<p>What’s that?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_132" id="page_132">{132}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Don’t ask me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> It’s pretty. It must be some kind of bird.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The whistle is repeated. It is nearer.</i></p></div> - -<p>There it is again.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Doris goes to the window.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It’s only the postman.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> I never heard a postman with a whistle like that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> He must be a new one on this beat. That’s too bad. The old one -used to give me my mail wherever I met him, even if he was four or five -blocks from my house.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>The sound again—just outside the door now.</i></p></div> - -<p>I’ll let him in.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>She goes to the door and opens it. The figure of the new postman -is outlined in the doorway against the morning sky. It is Jerry -Frost.</i></p> - -<p><i>But for a particular reason neither Doris nor Joseph Fish -recognize him. He is utterly changed. In the gray uniform his once -flabby figure appears firm, erect—even defiant. His chin is -up—the office stoop has gone. When he speaks his voice is full of -confidence, with perhaps a touch of scorn at the conglomerate -weaknesses of humanity.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_133" id="page_133">{133}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Good morning. Would you like some mail?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>taken somewhat aback</i>]. Why, sure. I guess so.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> It’s a nice morning out. You two ought to be out walking.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>blankly</i>]. Huh?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Is this number 2127? If it is, I’ve got a good-looking lot of -mail for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>with growing interest</i>]. What do you mean, a good looking lot of -mail?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> What do I <i>mean</i>? Why, I mean it’s got variety, of course. -[<i>Rummaging in his bag.</i>] I got eight letters for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Say, you’re new on this beat, aren’t you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes, I’m new but I’m good. [<i>He produces a handful of letters.</i>] -I’m the best one they ever had.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> How do you know? Did they tell you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> No, I just feel it. I know my job. I can give any other mailman -stamps and post-cards and beat him with bundles. I’m just naturally -<i>good</i>. I don’t know why.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I never heard of a mailman being <i>good</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> They’re mostly all good. Some professions anybody can get into -them, like business or politics for instance, but you take -postmen—they’re like angels,<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_134" id="page_134">{134}</a></span> they sort of pick ’em out. -[<i>Witheringly.</i>] They not only pick ’em out—they select ’em.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>fascinated</i>]. And you’re the best one.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>modestly</i>]. Yes, I’m the best one they ever had. [<i>He looks over -the letters.</i>] Now here’s what I call a clever ad. Delivered a lot of -these this morning. Children like ’em, you know. They’re from the carpet -company.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Let’s see it. [<i>He takes the ad eagerly.</i>]</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Isn’t that a nice little thing? And I got two bills for you here. -I’ll hide those, though. Still, maybe you want to clear up all your -accounts. Some people like to get bills. The old lady next door wanted -to get hers. I gave her three and you’d think they were checks. Anyways, -these two don’t look very big, from the outside, anyhow. But of course -you can’t tell from the outside.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Let me see them.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Let me see them too.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They squabble mildly over the bills.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> The thing is for everybody in the house to write what they guess -is the amount of the bill on the outside of the envelope, and then when -you open the envelope the one who guessed the closest has to pay the -bill.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_135" id="page_135">{135}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Or he could get a prize.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Something like that. [<i>He winks at Doris.</i>] And here’s a couple -of post-cards. They’re sort of pretty ones. This one’s—the Union -Station at Buffalo.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Let me see it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> And this one says Xmas greetings. It’s four months late. [<i>To -Doris.</i>] I guess these are for you.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No, they’re for my sister.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, I haven’t read what’s written on the back. I never do. I -hope it’s good news.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>inspecting the backs</i>]. No, they’re from an aunt or something. -Anything else?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes, here’s one more. I think it’s one of the neatest letters -I’ve had this morning. Now, isn’t that a cute letter? I call that a cute -letter. [<i>He weighs it in his hand and smells it.</i>] Smell it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It does smell good. It’s a perfume ad.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Say, that sure does smell good.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Well, I’ve done pretty well by <i>you</i> this morning. Maybe you got -a letter for me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> No, there’s none to-day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Funny thing: I came near leaving that pink letter with a little -girl down the street who looked as if she needed one pretty bad. I -thought that maybe it was really meant for her, and just had the wrong -name<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_136" id="page_136">{136}</a></span> and address on by mistake. It would of tickled her. I get tempted -to leave mail where it really ought to go instead of where it’s -addressed to. Mail ought to go to people who appreciate it. It’s hard on -a postman, especially when he’s the best one they ever had.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I guess it must be.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Yeah, it must be tough.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>They are both obviously fascinated.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Well, there’s somebody in this house who needs the right letter -something <i>aw</i>ful. If you get one that looks as if it might do for her -you could leave it by here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Is that so? Well, that’s too bad. I’ll certainly keep that in -mind. The next one I think’ll do, I’ll leave it by here.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Thanks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’ve got one of these special delivery love-letters for a girl -around the corner, and I want to hurry up and give it to her, so as to -see her grin when she gets it. It’s for Miss Doris——</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>interrupting</i>]. That’s me. Give it to me now.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Sure. Say, this is lucky. [<i>He starts to hand it to her.</i>] Say, -listen—why are you like a stenographer?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Me?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_137" id="page_137">{137}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I don’t know. Why?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Because I say to you, “Take a letter.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>wildly amused</i>]. Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>with some satisfaction</i>]. That’s a good one, isn’t it? I made -that one up this morning.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Ha-ha! Ho-ho!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Joseph, I asked you to have some respect for the missing. [<i>To -Jerry.</i>] You see there’s a fella missing here and it’s his wife that -needs the letter.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish</span> [<i>jealously</i>]. Who’s <i>your</i> letter from?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris</span> [<i>reading it</i>]. It’s from my last fiancé. It says he didn’t mean -to drink the perfume, but the label was off the bottle and he thought it -was bay rum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> My God! Will you forgive him?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Don’t worry, my boy. Bay rum or perfume, he killed her love with -the first swallow. [<i>He goes toward the door.</i>] Good-by. I’ll try to -find that letter for the lady here that needs it so bad.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Good-by—and thanks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> Let me open the door.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He opens the door. Jerry goes out. Doris and Fish stare at each -other.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> Isn’t he wonderful?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> He’s a peach of a fella, but—<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_138" id="page_138">{138}</a></span>—</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I know what you’re going to say; that you’ve seen him somewhere -before.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> I’m trying to think where. Maybe he’s been in the movies.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I think it’s that he looks like some fella I was engaged to once.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> He’s <i>some</i> mailman.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> The nicest one I ever saw. Isn’t he for you?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> By far. Say, Charlie Chaplin’s down at the Bijou.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> I don’t like him. I think he’s vulgar. Let’s go and see if -there’s anything artistic.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Fish makes an indistinguishable frightened noise.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> What’s the matter?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Fish.</span> I’ve swallowed my gum.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Doris.</span> It ought to teach you a moral.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>They go out. Charlotte comes in drearily. She glances first -eagerly, then listlessly at the letters and throws them aside.</i></p> - -<p><i>Clin-ng! The door-bell. She starts violently, runs to open it. It -is that astounding product of our constitution, Mr. Snooks.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>in horror</i>]. Oh, what do you want?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>affably</i>]. Good morning, lady. Is your husband around?<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_139" id="page_139">{139}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> No. What have you done with him, you beast!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>surprised</i>]. Say, what’s biting you, lady?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> My husband was all right until you came here with that -poison! What have you done with him? Where is he? What did you give him -to drink? Tell me, or I’ll scream for the police! Tell me! Tell me!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Lady, I ain’t seen your husband.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You lie! You know my husband has run away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>interested</i>]. Say now, has he? I had a hunch he would, sooner -or later.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> You made him. You told him to, that night, after I went out -of the room! You suggested it to him. He’d never have thought of it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Lady, you got me wrong.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Then where is he? If I’m wrong, find him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks</span> [<i>after a short consideration</i>]. Have you tried the morgue?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Oh-h-h! Don’t say that word!</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Oh, he ain’t in the morgue. Probably some Jane’s got hold of -him. She’ll send him home when she gets all his dough.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_140" id="page_140">{140}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> He isn’t a brute like you. He’s been kidnapped.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Maybe he’s joined the Marine Corpse.... Howsoever, if he ain’t -here I guess I’ll be movin’ on.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> What do you want of him now? Do you want to sell him some -more wood alcohol?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> Lady, I don’t handle no wood alcohol. But I found a way of -getting the grain alcohol out of iodine an’ practically eliminatin’ the -poison. Just leaves a faint brownish tinge.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Go away.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Snooks.</span> All right. I’ll beat it.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>So he beats it.</i></p> - -<p><i>Charlotte’s getting desperate from such encounters. With gathering -nervousness she wanders about the room, almost collapsing when she -comes upon one of Jerry’s coats hanging behind a door. Scarcely -aware of what she’s doing, she puts on the coat and buttons it -close, as if imagining that Jerry is holding her to him in the -brief and half-forgotten season of their honeymoon.</i></p> - -<p><i>Outside a storm is come up. It has grown dark suddenly, and a -faint drum of thunder lengthens into a cataract of doom. A louder -rolling now and a great snake of lightning in the sky. Charlotte, -lonesome and frightened, hurriedly closes the <span class="pagenum"><a name="page_141" id="page_141">{141}</a></span>windows. Then, in -sudden panic, she runs to the ’phone.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Summit 3253.... Hello, this is me. This is Charlotte.... Is -Doris there? Do you know where she is?... Well, if she comes in tell her -to run over. Everything’s getting dark and I’m frightened.... Yes, -<i>may</i>be somebody’ll come in, but <i>no</i>body goes out in a storm like this. -Even the policeman on the corner has gotten under a tree.... Well, I’ll -be all right. I’m just lonesome, I guess, and scared.... Good-by.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>She rings off and stands silently by the table. The storm reaches -its height. Simultaneously with a terrific burst of thunder that -sets the windows rattling the front door blows open suddenly, -letting in a heavy gust of rain.</i></p> - -<p><i>Charlotte is on the verge of hysterics.</i></p> - -<p><i>Then there is a whistle outside—the bright, mellow whistle of the -postman. She springs up, clasping her hands together. Jerry comes -in, covered with a rain cape dripping water. The hood of the cape -partially conceals his face.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry</span> [<i>cheerfully</i>]. Well, it certainly is a rotten day.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>starting at the voice</i>]. It’s awful.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> But I heard there was a lady here that was<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_142" id="page_142">{142}</a></span> expecting a letter, -and I had one that I thought’d do, so no rain or anything could keep me -from delivering it.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>greedily</i>]. A letter for me? Let me have it.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>He hands it to her and she tears it open.</i></p></div> - -<p>It’s from Jerry!</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>She reads it quickly.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Is it what you wanted?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>aloud, but to herself</i>]. It doesn’t say where he is. It just -says that he’s well and comfortable. And that he’s doing what he wants -to do and what he’s got to do. And he says that doing his work makes him -happy. [<i>With suspicion.</i>] I wonder if he’s in some dive.... If I wrote -him a letter do you think you could find him with it, Mr. Postman?</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Yes, I can find him.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I want to tell him that if he’ll come home I won’t nag him -any more, that I won’t try to change him, and that I won’t fuss at him -for being poor.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’ll tell him that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>again talking to herself</i>]. I was trying to nag him <i>into</i> -something, I guess. Before we were married I always thought there must -be some sort of mysterious brave things he did when he wasn’t with me. I -thought that maybe sometimes he’d sneak away to<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_143" id="page_143">{143}</a></span> hunt bears. But when -he’d sneak away it was just to roll dice for cigars down at the corner. -It wasn’t forests—it was just—toothpicks.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> Suppose that he was nothing but a postman now—like me.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I’ll be proud of him if he’s a postman, because I know he -always wanted to be one. He’d be the best postman in the world and -there’s something kind of exciting about being the best. It wasn’t so -much that I wanted him to be rich, I guess, but I wanted him to do -something he wouldn’t always be beat at. I was sort of glad he got drunk -that night. It was about the first exciting thing he ever did.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> You never would of told him that.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>stiffening</i>]. I should say I wouldn’t of.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry rises.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’ll try to get him here at six o’clock.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> I’ll be waiting. [<i>Quickly.</i>] Tell him to stop by a store and -get some rubbers.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Jerry.</span> I’ll tell him. Good-by.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> Good-by.</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>Jerry goes out into the rain, Charlotte sits down and bows her -head upon the table.</i></p> - -<p><i>Again there are steps on the porch. This time it is Dada, who -comes in, closing a dripping umbrella.</i></p></div><p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_144" id="page_144">{144}</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada</span> [<i>as one who has passed through a great crisis</i>]. I borrowed an -umbrella from a man at the library.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>in a muffled voice</i>]. Jerry’s coming back.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Is he? A man at the library was kind enough to lend me his -umbrella. [<i>He goes over to the bookcase and begins an unsuccessful -search for the Scriptures. Plaintively</i>]. Some one has hidden my Bible.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte.</span> In the second shelf.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He finds it. As he pulls it from its place, several other books -come with it and tumble to the floor. After a glance at Charlotte, -he kicks them under the bookcase. Then, with his Bible under his -arm, he starts for the stairs, but is attracted by something bright -on the first stair, and attempts, unsuccessfully, to pick it up.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Dada.</span> Hello, here’s a nail that looks like a ten-cent piece.</p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>He goes up-stairs. When he is half-way up, there is a sound as if -he had slipped back a notch, then silence.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>raising her head</i>]. Are you all right, Dada?</p> - -<div class="blockquott"><p><i>No answer. Dada is heard to resume his climb.</i></p></div> - -<p>Oh, if I could only sleep till six o’clock!<span class="pagenum"><a name="page_145" id="page_145">{145}</a></span></p> - -<div class="blockquot"><p><i>The storm has blown away, and the sun is out and streaming in the -window, washing the ragged carpet with light. From the street there -comes once again, faint now and far away, the mellow note of the -postman’s whistle.</i></p></div> - -<p><span class="smcap">Charlotte</span> [<i>lifting her arms rapturously</i>]. The best postman in the -world!</p> - -<p class="fint">CURTAIN</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_146" id="page_146">{146}</a></span> </p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_147" id="page_147">{147}</a></span> </p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cbig"><i>By F. Scott Fitzgerald</i></p> - -<hr class="dbl" /> - -<p class="cbig">The Beautiful and Damned</p> - -<p>“<span class="lftspc">‘</span>The Beautiful and Damned’ confirms the impression made by his first -novel, ‘This Side of Paradise,’ that of the younger American novelists -he has the greatest natural talent. He has romance and imagination and a -gaiety unknown to most of the young moderns, who on the whole take a -sorry view of life; he is not darkly and deeply engaged with the sacred -mysteries of Eros; he has apparently a great facility in writing, and -often beauty and felicity of expression. But, above all, he is able to -tell a story, and does not need to resort to the strange substitutes -that often pass for fiction-writing nowadays.”</p> - -<p class="r"> -—<span class="smcap">N. P. Dawson</span> in the <i>New York Globe</i>.<br /> -</p> - -<p>“No finer study of the relations between boy husband and girl wife has -been given us in American fiction.”</p> - -<p class="r"> -—<span class="smcap">Henry Seidel Canby</span> in the <i>Literary Review</i>,<br /> -<i>N. Y. Evening Post</i>.<br /> -</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cbig">This Side of Paradise</p> - -<p>“A very enlivening book, indeed; a book really brilliant and glamorous, -making as agreeable reading as could be asked.”—<i>New York Evening -Post.</i></p> - -<p>“The glorious spirit of abounding youth glows throughout this -fascinating tale.... It could have been written only by an artist who -knows how to balance his values, plus a delightful literary -style.”—<i>New York Times.</i></p> - -<p>“It is abundantly worth while; it is delightful, consciously and -unconsciously, amusing, keenly and diversely interesting; cracking good -stuff to read, in short.”</p> - -<p class="r"> -—<i>New York Sun.</i><br /> -</p> - -<hr class="dbl" /> - -<p class="cb"><big>C H A R L E S S C R I B N E R ’ S S O N S</big></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page_148" id="page_148">{148}</a></span></p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cbig"><i>By F. Scott Fitzgerald</i></p> -<hr class="dbl" /> - -<p class="cbig">Tales of the Jazz Age</p> - -<p>This collection of the author’s most recent shorter writings includes:</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary=""> -<tr valign="top"><td> -<span class="smcap">The Jelly-Bean</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Camel’s Back</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">O Russet Witch!</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Porcelain and Pink</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Diamond As Big As the Ritz</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Curious Case of Benjamin Button</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Tarquin of Cheapside</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Lees of Happiness</span></td> -<td> -<span class="smcap">May Day</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Mr. Icky</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Jemina</span><br /> -</td></tr> -</table> - -<hr /> - -<p class="cbig">Flappers and Philosophers</p> - -<p class="c">An earlier volume of stories, containing:</p> - -<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary=""> - -<tr valign="top"><td> -<span class="smcap">The Off Shore Pirate</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Ice Palace</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Head and Shoulders</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Cut-Glass Bowl</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Bernice Bobs Her Hair</span></td><td> -<span class="smcap">Benediction</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">Dalyrimple Goes Wrong</span><br /> -<span class="smcap">The Four Fists</span></td> -</tr> -</table> - -<p>“He is a story-teller with a courage of his own, and such story-tellers -are rare even in the midst of the modern quest for -unconventionality.”—<i>Boston Transcript.</i></p> - -<p>“His eight short stories range the gamut of style and mood with a -brilliance, a jeu perle, so to speak, not to be found in the -novel.”—<i>New York Times.</i></p> -<hr class="dbl" /> - -<p class="cb"><big>C H A R L E S S C R I B N E R ’ S S O N S</big></p> - -<hr class="full" /> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Vegetable, or From President to -Postman, by F. 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