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diff --git a/old/60957-0.txt b/old/60957-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8937ef3..0000000 --- a/old/60957-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2592 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Court of Chancery: a satirical poem., by -Reginald James Blewitt - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Court of Chancery: a satirical poem. - -Author: Reginald James Blewitt - -Release Date: December 18, 2019 [EBook #60957] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COURT OF CHANCERY *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif, deaurider and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - THE - - COURT - - OF - - CHANCERY: - - A Satirical Poem. - - BY - - REGINALD JAMES BLEWITT, - - LATE OF LINCOLNS INN. - - When knaves and fools combined o’er all prevail, - When justice halts, and right begins to fail; - E’en then the boldest start from public sneers, - Afraid of shame, unknown to other fears; - More darkly sin, by satire kept in awe, - And shrink from ridicule, if not from law. BYRON. - - - LONDON: - - PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY J. KAY, 1, WELBECK STREET, - - CAVENDISH SQUARE. - - 1827. - - - TO - - MAJOR EDWARD BLEWITT, - - OF LLANTARNAM ABBEY, - - In the County of Monmouth, - - THIS WORK IS INSCRIBED, - - WITH EVERY SENTIMENT OF FILIAL AFFECTION, - - BY HIS SON, - - THE AUTHOR. - - - - -PREFACE. - - -The great delay and ruinous expenses of a Chancery suit have become -proverbial. Shame to the country, that suffers such a stain upon its -system of equitable jurisprudence! I offer no apology for taking up the -tomahawk of censure against this dire national enemy. Would that I could -use the weapon more dexterously! It must, however, be sufficient -satisfaction for me to have removed the scalp of concealment, without -being too particular about the skill, with which it has been effected. - -As a poet, I must throw myself upon the indulgence of the public. For -the last ten years I have sacrificed every literary attainment to the -study of the law; and am therefore in the situation of a miner, who, -after years of cheerless labour underground, should be expected to -display any great ingenuity in the pursuit of a more enlightened -occupation. - -The subject is dull, but not unfruitful. I have thrown into the work as -much amusement as my poor abilities would furnish me with, but my -principal objects have been truth and consistency.--I presume, -therefore, to assert that I have always been honest in commendation, and -never severe without reason. - -I wish it to be distinctly understood that, in my character of a vicious -attorney, I do not mean to represent the profession at large. There are -in town and country many upright practitioners, of whose friendship I -should feel proud. A lawyer, however, may be often dishonest without the -fear of detection, and indeed almost without the consciousness of doing -wrong. In his practice the boundaries between good and evil are very -slight, and may be imperceptibly transgressed. There is little merit in -one, whom the fear of punishment deters from the commission of crime; -but not to practice knavery when it can be done with ease and infinity -is at all events a negative virtue deserving of no slight consideration. - -The idea of writing this poem first occurred to me in the Park of -Fontainebleau, where I composed the greater part of it. During its -progress I have had no opportunity of referring to any publication on -the subject, and have, therefore, been compelled to draw very largely on -my memory. This must be my excuse for any errors into which I may have -fallen. - -PARIS, - -1st October, 1827. - - - - -PREFACE TO THE NOTES. - - -The evils of the Court of Chancery have latterly been so much discussed, -that I have thought it unnecessary to enter into long explanations upon -the different objects of censure contained in the poem. The notes, -therefore, contain only such observations as appeared absolutely -necessary to make some of the verses more intelligible than could be -effected in poetry, without a very tedious and dull circumlocution. The -books of Chancery, practice and the report of the commissioners -appointed to investigate the subject, will supply all deficiencies of -this sort. - - R. I. B. - - - - -THE COURT - -OF CHANCERY: - -A Satirical Poem. - - - Oh! Court of Equity, misnamed, where doubt - Leads many in; whence few, or none, get out; - Where law presides, in semblance, but to mock,-- - Like priests, that pray round felons on the block;-- - Where justice sits, with even-handed scale, - To shew the heaviest purse,--which must prevail-- - Where Truth confounded flies, or ne’er is seen, - And Falsehood flourishes--an evergreen;-- - Where foul Corruption keeps his secret cave, - And robs the suitor he pretends to save.-- - Oh! Court, before whose gate, with reddened eye - Pale Reason stands, and bids each Plaintiff fly; - Bids right shake hands with fraud, nor tempt the strife, - Begun in sorrow--ending not with life-- - The legal contest, which may never cease,-- - A cure perhaps--but worse than the disease-- - Oh! Court, where dull Procrastination reigns - Lacking decision--not for want of brains-- - Which crowds of spectres haunt their doom to know - In suits commenced two centuries ago-- - Where all is wrong, and nothing certain, save - A blasted fortune, and an early grave. - - Behold yon clown, whose frugal care has made - A pretty something in his humble trade;-- - Fit object now for pillage of the law!-- - He sells a field;--the vendee finds a flaw-- - What mean those writings underneath his arm? - Why rise those smirks of gratulation warm - From hungry black-coats,--eager for the prey,-- - Who crowd the boro’ on a market day--[1] - The game is up--around the blood-hounds close, - And snuff their victim with prophetic nose. - The case he tells most luminously dark, - And puzzles (what will not?) each country shark. - An action bring, your right at once to try - Cries one;--an action bring the rest reply-- - All to one object with one feeling tend,-- - Deceit the means, and robbery the end. - But how much will it cost? the rustic cries, - A song, a song--the ready fox replies-- - For fifty pounds your battle will be won, - The thing, my friend, is clearer than the sun. - You know our office, come with me and look, - This very point is in the statute book, - Confirmed by fifty judges dead and gone,-- - Each wiser in his time than Solomon-- - If still from caution sage you fear to err, - Resort at once to some King’s Counsellor; - His fee’s two guineas--or about the mark-- - With two and sixpence more to bribe his clerk, - Lest on the shelf your case despised should rot, - Or lose its turn, and be at last forgot. - - The Gudgeon bites, and lawyer Grabble gains - Another Client to reward his pains. - A case is drawn, ingrossed, and sent to town, - And twelve months after comes th’ opinion down. - Ill brooks exhausted Patience such a spell, - Tho’ loth to quarrel with the name of Bell. - What does he promise failure or success? - His words are few, and those one can but guess-- - Like strange Egyptian characters of yore, - Or pot-hooks drawn upon an alehouse door, - Or like the scrawls a spider’s legs might trace, - When dipt in ink, upon as white a space--[2] - “He cannot say, but much inclines to doubt - “The vendee’s object will be brought about; - “And thinks the vendor has an equal chance, - “The law so much depends on circumstance-- - “He knows not half the facts, so would advise - “That all disputes should end in compromise-- - “But, if the vendor wish his luck to try, - “He straight must file a bill in Chancery.”[3] - - Well have we sped, exulting Grabble shouts, - For all is sure, when cautious Johnny doubts-- - The client nods, uncertain what is meant, - And therefore fearful to withhold assent. - Forth, with instructions goes the post that eve, - And crafty Grabble chuckles in his sleeve-- - Instructions for a bill, which agents wile - Before the term’s last day may hope to file. - How vain that hope!--the dusty papers lie - For eighteen months within the draftsman’s eye. - To all complaints he beats the ready chime:-- - “More weighty matters had beguiled his time-- - “Injunctions, that would not admit delay, - “Answers, demurrers--and the motion day, - “All marr’d his wishes to effect dispatch, - “Though failing not each leisure hour to snatch. - “Vacation comes, and then he will be able - “To clear with ease his now o’erloaded table.”[4] - Vacation past;--the agent calls again, - And finds the draftsman just returned from Spain. - The soot-clad parcel lies unopened still, - Knaw’d by the rats, that hunger else would kill-- - At last ’tis done, and then it must be sent - To country down for final settlement. - Then queries on the margin rise, like apes,-- - And here and there a long hiatus gapes. - Facts change like mortals in a fairy tale, - And from a herring fancy coins a whale. - Then crowds of thrice repeated words express - What might be done in twenty thousand less;-- - The whole one precious jargon, fitted well - To serve for fewel in a lawyer’s hell. - - But what says Grabble?--as the folios mount, - He must demand some money on account,[5] - To pay the counsel and the court their fees, - Lest justice’ wheels be clogg’d for want of grease. - The client deep into his pocket dives; - To part with cash his inmost bowel rives; - With deep-drawn sighs he counts each stiver o’er, - And deems the law a most infernal bore. - What gall’d already? not so quick, my friend, - Or rage will turn to madness in the end. - Who takes a voyage but expects to be - Annoy’d at first by sickness on the sea? - Should weak impatience make him growl and weep, - His friends would laugh, and bid him shun the deep. - Aye, shun, but how? why look before you leap. - When once embark’d, no more can wisdom say; - Endure the billows, bluster as they may. - - But to proceed. The draft by Grabble’s pen - Revised, must travel back to town again; - Again must be, neglected as before, - On draftman’s desk for fifteen months or more; - Again must wander o’er the self-same track - From town to country, and from country back. - At last ’tis settled: then must clerks begin - To cut, prepare, and rule the parchment skin; - Then will their zeal demand an overpay, - And turn, for expedition, night to day, - T’ ingross, examine, file;--another week - At least ’twill take; subpœnas then bespeak. - The seal is shut, and, if you wish them soon, - It must be open’d by a special boon-- - The sum two guineas[6]. Eldon! fie, for shame! - Nay, truth’s a libel, spare his lordship’s fame. - His wants are many, and his stipend clear - Scarce mounts to forty thousand pounds a year. - ’Tis said, that justice to each subject down - Flows in a stream untainted from the crown. - Then say, can kings for justice gold demand? - If not, why claims that right a meaner hand? - As well to Peter might a bribe be given - For keeping (not the seals) but keys of heav’n! - - Defendant serv’d, five months must pass, or near, - Before the law compels him to appear; - For like some barren tree deprived of fruit, - In long vacation is a country suit; - Or, like a vessel by receding tide, - Left helpless on the shore, where it must bide - Till tracing back its course the stream once more shall glide. - - Term come, then try the process of contempt, - If still defendant should delay attempt. - Seal an attachment; bear the rogue to goal, - And hope your efforts may at last prevail. - But ah! what sadness clouds that altered mein? - What, if at large the stubborn foe is seen?-- - His freedom gained, he pays the whole expense-- - Not so, the practice is a vile pretence. - The greater loss from wrong to right rebounds; - Ten shillings his, and thine as many pounds.[7] - - Appearance entered, but renews the sport; - Demand an answer by the clerk in court. - He calls, like Glendower for a magic band - Of Ocean sprites, that come not at command. - He calls once more in peremptory terms and clear; - But none so deaf as those who will not hear.[8] - At length an order comes,--if sharp the spur-- - For six weeks time to answer, plead, demur. - Thus to some famish’d dog, that asks a bone, - Derision throws with scorn the flinty stone: - He seeks but little, and that little sought - With eagerness, when gain’d, amounts to nought. - ’Tis all a mockery from first to last;-- - Wait must the Plaintiff, and the mongrel fast. - - Six weeks are gone--once more the game’s alive; - Once more for breath must the Defendant strive. - Hark! thro’ the purlieus dark of Chancery Lane - The dogs are roused,--the chase begins again,-- - Again delay pursues its wonted chime,-- - And claims at last another rule for time. - - Why should I pause on points like these to dwell? - By such detail my pages idly swell? - The process slow and unrepaid the toil-- - A worthless harvest in a barren soil. - The answer filed--three years at least fulfil - Their circling round since Wakefield[9] drew the bill. - Then streams of lengthy dull exceptions flow - Which Koe must sign to humour Jemmy Lowe.[10] - Amendments next that leave behind no trace - Of first complaint;--but make a novel case-- - Continual reference to the Masters, who - Must have the wit to cut a hair in two; - So nicely drawn, so fine the point between - What it should not, or what it should have been. - - Here Captain Cross[11] assumes despotic sway - Enraged at all who dare his speech gainsay. - Once mighty ruler of a tamer crew, - Than ever Ballot from the plough-tail drew; - Like Falstaff’s scarecrows--ragged, spare, and tall,-- - Himself the greatest scarecrow of them all. - Oh! fortune, thou art but a fickle flirt! - For me why sprawl’d not Eldon in the dirt? - His carriage oft has passed me thro’ the town, - But then alas! fate would not break it down. - Oh! fortune, all thy favors are but dross, - Or why bestow them on a man like Cross? - Thy modes are various, as thy whim is strange; - Or why a soldier to a lawyer change-- - If such great merit must promotion get, - ’Twere easy sure to add an epaulet. - There long he might have shined in native light, - At least a bully, if afraid to fight. - Oh! Master Cross, resume thy martial post, - Or deign in pity to give up the ghost. - Thy luckless errors never falling right, - Involve the suitors in perpetual night. - Thy brain’s dark chaos working like a mole, - Directs each action, and pervades the whole; - Oh! may it have just sense enough to see - That all is truth the muse has said of thee! - - Here Cox[12], of foundling babes the foster sire, - Humane of temper, but too prone to fire, - In judgment sits to act by reason’s rule; - Yet ever proves of prejudice the tool. - A look, a word mistaken, gives offence, - And thoughts distorted take the place of sense. - Some angry crotchet gets into his brain, - Hatched in caprice, and nurtured by disdain. - Persuasion fails to shew how warp’d his mind; - When anger rules, the soul itself is blind: - Confirmed by habit all his faults increase, - So let him mend, or else depart in peace. - - Lo! waddling forth; in dignity of mein, - Corporeal Stratford[13] from his haunt is seen. - That bloated form and pompous belly scan; - In shape and wit a very alderman! - Those vulgar looks his vulgar manners stamp, - For knowledge he ne’er burns the midnight lamp. - The sternest brute will sometimes kindness own, - Bend as you will, and Stratford yet will frown; - Enrag’d, he fain would kill you with a look, - Ye weak of skull, beware the flying book. - Hence to the rocky woods, thou growling bear, - Hence to the woods, and deal out justice there. - Hence to the woods; but ’ere thou dost escape, - Send to supply thy loss a real ape. - The suitors scarce will of their lot complain, - If by the change some intellect they gain. - Like thee, in gestures may his rage be dealt; - Like thee, the luckless volumes he may pelt; - Each art expressive of the monkey tribe, - Well hast thou learnt their natures to imbibe! - - Next canting Stephen[14] in his study see,-- - Himself a slave, devising blacks to free. - Better endure the planters iron sway - Than pore on musty tomes the livelong day! - Better for stolen ease to bear the rack, - Than spend a life in one dull gloomy track! - No negro thou! what more when all is said? - He works by force, and you perhaps for bread. - The toil of both may prove a public good,-- - Another’s profit, or another’s food. - But let me pass thy faults, if such they be-- - And turn to one redeeming quality-- - Well hast thou done to curb thy thirsty scribe - From taking what in truth is but a bribe; - A bribe, which those, who dole with sparing hand, - But little zeal of service can command. - Well hast thou done such odious spoil to slake! - An equal theft in those who give or take! - - Nor yet forgotten is thy sleepy power, - Long-winded, doting, vain, capricious Trower[15]. - Some share of patience to the speaker lend, - Or useless every wish to comprehend! - Why wilt thou puzzle each half-witted elf, - By keeping all the converse to thyself? - Why wilt thou rave, till boggling in a mist, - Thou raisest points, which but in air exist-- - Approve to day, to-morrow find a flaw-- - And own at last that neither is the law. - Where are thy tubs, thy dirty smocks and gin? - Thy trade is washing, hence and take it in. - - But turn my muse; it boots not more to trace - These petty judges of Southampton Place. - Such office should some wiser head employ - Than driveling dotard or unlearned boy-- - The first a friend to Eldon’s childhood dear,-- - The last a son of ministerial peer. - Alike unskilled they wander in the dark, - And stoop at last to counsel with their clerk. - Some dirty scribbler in a garret bred, - Thence taught by charity to write and read. - A wretched dolt, who gains his place by chance, - And takes promotion as his years advance; - Who now forsooth must act with scorn to those, - That pay him meanly, or his will oppose. - Thus Pugh and Hone[16], and many more I know-- - But these the worst,--I spare each meaner foe. - - Still are there some this station doom’d to fill, - Who shame their masters by superior skill, - In Kensit’s[17] talent all a refuge find - From the dark nothingness of Stratford’s mind; - And when at Cross the sense indignant groans, - It seeks for solace in thy kindness, Jones. - Fortune! from thee one favour let me crave! - Debase each tyrant, and exalt each slave! - Let those, who now ride topmost on thy wheel, - The sad reverse of bitter thraldom feel; - Look up to those on whom they now look down, - And learn the terror of a despot’s frown. - - Erroneous judgment breeds a like report, - And both will bear revision by the court; - Then must the cause experience more delay, - Last in the list that lengthens every day. - What if his Honor, after two long years, - Decide the question that he never hears! - Before the Vice or Rolls, it matters not - How heard or judged; alike the suitors lot. - From either sentence you may take appeals, - If faulty deemed, to him who holds the seals; - Then will some paltry point, of little worth - To him who doubts, or him who gave it birth, - Enchain the suit for ages, like a spell, - From which Impatience will in vain rebel; - Alas! my lord, yon starving paupers see! - How can they live upon a bare term fee? - Let still the client all his pangs endure, - But for thy brother tribe provide a cure. - Be Lord High Chancellor, if so you must, - But oh! resign some portion of thy trust-- - Its various duties more attention claim - Than one weak head can muster for the same. - - Young Peer[18], be wise, and if you court success, - Outdo your senior[19] by attempting less. - His failure served great talents to produce; - But what is intellect if not of use? - Well could he coin a doubt, or problem make-- - But slow to solve, and there was his mistake. - His brains were sound; but little good they did. - Like some rich jewel in dark cavern hid. - Quick was his mind each error to perceive;-- - Much craft had those who could that mind deceive-- - A moment’s thought would often shew a flaw, - Which those who look’d much deeper never saw. - Well was he skill’d to crack a wretched jest, - And all who laughed were sure to be caress’d. - He bore no rival in his high career, - As Leach[20] can tell, at whom he lov’d to sneer;-- - To Flattery he yielded blind assent; - On those who blam’d him hate itself was spent; - This Brougham[21] has felt,--tho’ all his merit own, - Deprived by malice of a silken gown. - And yet his visage, like a crocodile - Intending mischief, still could wear the smile. - Oft times a tear-drop down his cheek would flow, - While aged victims told their tale of woe-- - Told of their hopes delay’d and run to waste, - With wealth before them, which they could not taste-- - Told of their starving babes and buried wife,-- - Themselves just tottering on the brink of life. - Then would he clasp his hands with false intent, - And call on heaven to witness what he meant, - With promise send the discontent away,-- - Their judgment certain on a future day. - It comes--again he feigns the ready tear,-- - As God’s his judge, the papers are not here-- - Where can they be?--his careful wife[22] perhaps - Has torn the dusty lumber into scraps. - Mishap unfortunate! the suitor cries, - His Lordship nods assent, and wipes his eyes - With ’kerchief clean, in which a potent leak - Draws from each orb the stream that wets his cheek. - “Alas! my lord, when will the judgment come?-- - “Send me the papers, and I’ll take them home.” - The papers got, be sure to hand them in, - Tho’ Hand[23] to take them deem it half a sin, - And swears the mass now in his Lordship’s house - Has left no cranny for the smallest mouse. - This all results from pre-concerted plan; - The master trifles, why should not his man; - Excuse, the judgment day by day protracts, - His mind still wavering, or forgot the facts; - And yet he seems not unabashed by shame, - Thus forced in self-defence the lie to frame. - As carelessly around his glance he throws, - Each eye takes shelter underneath his brows, - Then with apparent calmness in the face, - He strives to meet you, but ’tis all grimace; - Look as he will, the thinking mind can see - He half detests his own duplicity; - Shrinks from the gaze of those who weep around, - And in his bosom feels a deeper wound. - Oft have I marked him in an inward trance, - And watched the changes of his countenance; - Thus have I seen, or fancied to have seen, - Remorse and terror painted on his mein: - Remorse for mischief done at best in sloth, - And terror; but how short the reign of both, - More lively feelings soon his grief restrain, - And heartless Eldon is himself again. - - Albeit, when thieves in penitence begin - To weep their guilty deeds, and fly from sin, - The world oft profits by their former vice, - Should chance enroll them in the state police; - They follow crime as some old fox might do, - Who hunted once, another should pursue, - Woe to the wretch, that struggles to evade - The wary cunning of such renegade; - In vain each wile, each mazy turn he tries, - For justice triumphs, and the culprit dies. - So hopes the world that Eldon, now resigned, - Will own the faults to which his eyes were blind; - Chase out corruption from his dark abode, - And cleanse each path where fraud the usurper strode; - Thus may he by that dying act efface - The burning stigma of a life’s disgrace. - - Shrink not, my lord, whate’er the muse appears, - She wars but feebly with declining years; - Compassion fetters what she fain would sing, - And robs severity of half its sting: - Those hoary locks command respect from youth, - But cannot wholly close the lips of truth. - - Suppose the judgment given[24]; but after years - Of endless labour, and a million tears: - Suppose the minutes by his lordship’s scrawl - Drawn out and settled, after many a brawl; - Wherein loquacious Agar[25] bears the bell-- - An empty clapper in a brazen shell. - Hark! how the frothy nonsense from his lips - Involves the audience in one black eclipse, - From which in vain they struggle to be free. - When darkness triumphs, who can hope to see? - Gods! what a tongue, and what a lack of wits! - How well the former with the latter sits! - In him the worst of causes finds a friend; - He tears to tatters what he cannot mend. - But still his eloquence is most sublime, - In points of practice and in tricks for time; - In petty motions for some end absurd, - To please his Frowd, or gratify his Hurd. - When broken down, he next resorts to lies, - Disputes another’s word, his own denies, - Insists that all the law is on his side - And Truth proclaims a perjured Suicide! - When on his legs, ’tis hard to get him down, - Tho’ counsel cough, and oft his Lordship frown. - He bungles on; while dulness weaves a wreathe - To crown his head when fairly out of breath,-- - A wreath of poppies mingled with night-bane, - That once asleep, he ne’er may wake again. - Blest consummation! may it happen soon, - Or those, who hear, will first essay, the boon. - - Agar farewell, but ere I cease to greet - Let me conduct thee to thy country seat. - Abode of taste, where all the graces shine,-- - The prospect charming, and the site divine! - The road that leads from Battle Bridge pursue - To Kentish Town, and keep a dexter view; - There mark the walls of many coloured-brick, - With here and there a withered poplar stick. - A dirty gate straight walks of gravel shews, - The new canal around in silence flows; - Its fetid waters, stinking as they pass, - Contend in sweetness with the scent of gas. - Here Pancras rears it’s charitable dome, - There limekilns smoke, and cloud the air in gloom; - Wheree’r you wander, or the sight divert, - One scene prevails of darkness, stench, and dirt. - Well in one picture might the muse record - How fine the mansion, and how wise it’s lord. - Ye passengers! who from the road admire, - Let no wild transports tempt you to go nigher; - The rights of soil he zealously protects - By transportation, as the law directs! - - Not mine the purpose step by step to shew - What makes the progress of a cause more slow: - Nor yet to trace the current of expense - Through all its mazes, but the whole condense. - The same complaints through all the system fly;-- - Thus what I censure will to all apply. - - Omit each intermediate step, and see - The cause at last from all incumbrance free, - And brought to issue;--then let Spence[26] prepare - Interrogations for your friends to swear. - Propose each question so distinctly nice, - That all may keep within it, like a vice; - For should some idle word escape, who knows - But it might prove more fatal than from foes? - Avoid the hostile camp, and, if you can, - Before he speaks, examine well your man; - Teach him the lesson he has got to learn, - And let him thoroughly his cue discern; - Hold out large promise, if he meet your will, - And ere he comes to swear his belly fill. - If still reluctant, coax him with a bribe, - Persuading all--but most the Jewish tribe. - - To strike commissioners is next the thing, - Four names a piece let either party bring; - Then from the four let each their two erase; - Seal quick the dedimus, and name a place; - Bespeak provision for a month at least, - And call your brother tigers to the feast; - So may they well that courtesy repay - By like invite upon a future day! - Of wine be careful to secure a stock-- - Port, Champagne, Claret, Burgundy, and Hock. - Your guns arrange, call out your steeds and dogs, - For too much toil the mental action clogs.[27] - What--if to keep your trust an oath be given; - Secure of hell, no longer think of heaven; - Enjoy the goods that knavery has sent, - And laugh and revel to your heart’s content. - One day with opening the commission fill; - The next, with prefatory measures kill; - The third, discuss what will not question bear; - The fourth, for relaxation course a hare. - But why thus hunt a subject off it’s legs? - I do but teach my grandam to suck eggs:-- - An art attornies practice far too well,-- - Yoke white, their own--a client takes the shell. - What if he grumble, theirs has been the toil, - With profit scarce to make the kettle boil. - A porter’s lot would suit them better far; - No anxious cares his peaceful dream can mar; - While their reward for nightly want of ease, - Just adds a pint of ale to bread and cheese. - - The scene is changed; behold that child of want - On dainties feeding, like a cormorant. - A venison pasty serves to make his lunch; - For dinner turtle soup with gelid punch, - Pheasant and partridge, quail, and ortolan, - Jellies, blancmange, pies, custards, parmesan, - To him it boots not what the price or fare, - Provided all be exquisite and rare. - When others pay the piper who would dine - On vulgar viands and a common wine? - The bill is paid, unnoticed all details, - And smirking waiters hail unusual vails. - The landlord smiles, tho’ not of shame bereft - To be the pander of so base a theft. - The licens’d robber walks un-hang’d away, - And baffled ketch is cheated of his prey, - Not but that Jack to noose a friend might falter, - Tho’ neck of none would better fit the halter. - Despair not, Grabble; give thy talents scope, - And in the end be certain of a rope-- - It needs not much prophetic skill to trace - The gibbet’s symbol pictured in thy face. - - Six weeks or more in idle feasting spent, - The depositions then to town are sent, - Seal’d, and entrusted to a faithful guard, - Who will demand a guinea for reward. - The cause set down and publication pass, - Then seek of evidence the copied mass. - Peruse it well with all your cunning’s stress;-- - A trifling error will the whole suppress.[28] - Then may the genial board again be spread, - And hungry friends at hostile cost be fed. - What! not a fault? has right at last prevail’d - And Agar’s genius in it’s zenith fail’d? - Did Spence so well th’ interrogations draw - That ingenuity can find no flaw? - No leading question fatal to the whole? - No jurat faulty--not too scrawl’d the roll? - Examine all around the parchment skin - And find a part, in which it seems too thin. - Are all the words in orthographic dress? - No chance omission of the letter “s” - That letter, lately in a jurat missed, - Implied an oath on one “Evangelist” - Instead of four--on which unlucky grounds - The plaintiff lost a sum of eighty pounds. - What; from sworn clerks, to break their fealty hir’d, - Has nothing secret ere it’s time transpired? - Has no false wretch in shame at last reveal’d - A truth his wilful tongue at first conceal’d? - Then foul Procrastication hide thy face;-- - ’Tis something gain’d if causes keep their place; - As some weak foe against a stronger lance - May still withstand, though failing to advance. - - Meanwhile the parties die away like martyrs, - Felo de se--shot--drown’d--or hung in garters-- - A motley crew, who haunt the court in crowds, - And scream for justice from their tatter’d shrouds;-- - Not rent by worms, for they would scorn to knaw - The wretched victim of a suit at law,-- - Would turn with pity from the mould’ring frame, - And give to nobler animals the shame. - No, in each tattered shroud behold the sack - Some parish gave when law had stripp’d the back, - Had stripp’d it bare as on the day of birth, - And, but for this, had sent it bare to earth. - - Repose, my muse; and listen to the groans. - Let weary lawyers rest awhile their bones. - Nature demands when mortals cease to live, - That nought should move until the corpse revive. - Just so in law all motion is represt, - When dies a wretch who had some interest, - No matter what--’tis clear that the survivor - Can take no step without a due revivor.[29] - - What! raise the dead? I hear the world exclaim, - With less of miracle, ’tis much the same. - In olden times the monks by potent spell - Could summon spectres from their narrow cell,-- - Could send them howling back unto their graves - Or sink for ever in Egyptian waves. - So now the spiritual courts restore - A shade at least of him who breathes no more-- - Unlike perhaps in stature, form, and mind, - But well for earthly purposes design’d-- - A sort of proxy, who in matter civil - Must back his principal thro’ good or evil.-- - Taste not the honey, tho’ he deem it sweet, - Nor ’scape the thorns, altho’ they tear his feet. - In wrong or right the court’s rapacious crew - Will have their fees, and ready payment too,-- - But then all others from the spoil they scare, - Like hungry wolves, that no partition bear. - The poor trustee a thankless office boasts, - Nought can he gain, except a bill of costs. - - Away from Doctors Commons bear the sprite, - And let him thence in Lincolns Inn alight. - There will he serve, like Hercules, to drag - The suit--a Cacus--from some dusty bag, - And rouse fierce Rapine from his lurking den - To feed once more upon the sons of men. - - When time has number’d thus five years or more - The cause just stands where it was plac’d before-- - Like flickering star, that seems in fancy’s eye - To rove, a planet, thro’ the midnight sky;-- - But view’d more narrowly or with a glass, - We find its station ever, where it was. - - Then flies another age; and Grabble dead - Some equal scoundrel must be found instead.[30] - Demand the papers from his heir at law - Who strait a lumping bill of costs will draw. - This must be paid before a sheet shall go-- - To bite the biter take his claim to Lowe. - Hail mighty Tonsor of a lawyers bill! - The whole profession trembles at thy skill. - Thine awful science, like a magic wand - Can turn each golden item into sand; - Reduce a crown to half, as quick as thought, - And turn each six and eight-pence into nought-- - That placid eye and countenance demure - To passing glance would tell not much of lure, - Nor from thy speech so more than calmly smooth, - Would inexperience guess the serpent’s tooth. - No beast, no reptile, bites his fellow kind;-- - But those who trust in Lowe, deceit will find. - He smiles sometimes; but oh! beware that smile, - The certain symptom of some latent guile; - Or when perhaps he feels unusual glee, - To make large havoc with a queried fee. - But why thus censure what may tend to good? - The worst of poisons can be used for food. - And thus in Lowe, who brethren treats with scorn, - The suitor finds a friend when most forlorn. - Not that he acts his principles to shew-- - But as in hatred to some mortal foe; - No matter whom--to him ’tis all the same, - How near in friendship, or how just in fame; - To all he deals his art insidious round, - And happy those who can escape a wound; - - On, demon, on; pursue thy dark career, - Beloved by none, detested by thy peer. - On earth thy province leads to Satan’s verge, - Then, as his bailiff, be thy brother’s scourge! - And when from hell he goes for souls to pimp, - Be thine the task to pinch each naughty imp,-- - To tear from Famine half its stygian meal, - And grind Despair for pastime on a wheel! - - New brooms sweep clean, and with good luck to guide, - The cause at last may to a hearing glide;-- - But not ’till many more long years have flown,-- - Deaths and revivors following one by one. - Then draw the briefs, and on your clerks impose - That not for life they copy words to close; - It looks unseemly, thus the truth restrain:-- - How much more cash you by such precept gain. - What means a brief? to shorten well the case, - And copious matter cram in narrow space. - Then what is this that modern counsel wield, - (A giant manual) when they take the field? - The pleading’s length would make a saint bewail, - But why, like comet, must it have a tail? - With facts the speaker should his foe engage; - Then why with observations[31] swell the page? - Ask not; the meaning more than light is clear, - That thieves are honest men, the law too dear. - - Next to the bar, a less unworthy den, - Where shine at least some honourable men:-- - But still e’en there the thirst of gain hath fix’d - Its blighting venom with dishonour mixed; - Hath hurl’d proud Reason from her proper throne, - And turn’d compassion to a block of stone. - - In days of yore, when learning first began - To raise nice questions on the rights of man; - When law was as a science first revealed, - And civil wrongs by golden plaisters healed: - Superior talents throng’d the judgment place, - But not for lucre; bribes involved disgrace. - For rich and poor alike the voice was raised; - No sordid motives e’er that voice debas’d: - Ambition led; each sought the road to fame; - His country’s praises, and an honest name. - How changed the manners of the present time, - Less fond of virtue, and more prone to crime; - Deserted poverty is heard no more, - Or heard in vain oppression to deplore. - Wealth spreads its influence in perpetual show’rs, - And rears of eloquence the choicest flow’rs. - - Departed Romilly[32]! the muse with tears - Turns to record what all thy merit sears. - The love of gold engaged thy mind too much, - And spoiled perfection with it’s reptile touch. - E’en while admiring senates hail’d thy speech-- - The patriot, whom corruption could not reach; - Bold, independent, to thy country firm-- - Thy mind was canker’d by the secret worm-- - The worm of Avarice, that warps the sight, - And paints each shade of wrong with all the tints of Right. - - But he is gone, and mem’ry hopes in vain - To find his likeness at the bar again. - His vice remains; but none are left behind - To serve as models of his noble mind. - With him in worth forensic knowledge fell, - And Genius drooping bade the court farewell. - - Whom shall discernment now, alas! select - T’ illumine Truth, and Falsehood’s form detect-- - T’ argue still, in luckless Reason’s spite, - That white is black, and black a shade of white? - Where all are nearly equal, small the choice, - Save in the windpipe, or the louder voice. - Shake all the host together in a hat, - And take them singly forth, whose name is that? - - Hart[33] sallies forth--but why was he put there? - His judgeship merges all the barrister. - Long may he live that dignity to keep, - And slumber now, as once he lull’d to sleep. - His name half serves my numbers to compose, - And turn dull poetry to duller prose. - Still might his long experience fit the place, - That Copley’s sense without can never grace. - - Of head acute and clear next Sugden see;[34] - Apt at a jest, and quick in repartee. - Cool when assail’d, he often shuns a snare, - And leaves his fierce opponent writhing there. - In recollection strong, he bears a store - Of points determin’d by the Court before; - Brings to his aid each well decided case, - And fastens Reason on its proper base. - Whatee’r the side for which he pleads, be sure-- - If best exertions can success secure. - Steadfast of heart no insult will he brook,-- - The haughty gesture, or disdainful look. - With manly pride he speaks in open day - Whatever truth or duty bids him say. - Still must the muse with honesty avow, - Too much conceit at times will swell his brow. - “The Book on Powers” often will he cite - As something more than mortal’s pen could write, - Wherein the Authors notions are to stand - For acts of legislation thro’ the land, - And all, that wiser men have thought or said, - Yield to the phantasies of Sugden’s head. - Nor this his only fault, as Sussex shew’d, - When on Sir Godfrey all their votes bestow’d, - Turn’d from the would-be statesman with disgust, - And left him humbled to the very dust; - While some gay wag, who at his pride was nettled, - Wrote on his back these words “Perused and settled.” - Yes, at the moment, while that country’s sword - Is girding round it’s half-elected lord, - While zealous friends are calling for the car - To grace the triumph of the fightless war;-- - Hark! from afar the rival chariots roll, - And breathless Webster hurries to the poll;-- - Delighted yeomen own his juster claim, - And vanquish’d Sugden sneaks away in shame. - So falls, in mounting to some ruddy peach, - A snail, before the tempting prize he reach. - So shrinks an urchin with half broken limb - From some tall tree he tried in vain to climb.-- - But see again the royal edict sent - To summon deputies for parliament. - The fox once caught will ever fear the trap, - And scalded children dread a like mishap. - Why gleans not Sugden from experience? he - Again must seek that fatal rank, M. P. - Fool-hardy mortal, try thy wings before - Ambition tempt thee ’mid the clouds to soar. - E’en rotten Boroughs from their notice thrust - The man whose principles they cannot trust, - And treat with scorn the hope of richer pay, - Lest he, who promises, should first betray. - Not that thy conduct should such censure fix,-- - But why from others choose thy politics? - For public duties, public care demands - An upright conscience, and unshackled hands; - No groveling passions should the bosom rule,-- - A baffled placeman, or a courtier’s tool. - ’Tis true that Virtue oft with gold relents; - But be sincere to your constituents. - If Whig, be Whig; if Tory, Tory be,-- - And season bribes with due consistency. - Thus in St. Stephen may you gain a seat, - And laugh with Webster at your first defeat-- - Thus may you hope from Copley’s hand to wrench - The seals, and mount the woolsack, or the bench. - - Whate’er befall, the muse thy worth allows, - And turns with laurel to adorn thy brows. - Rich hues of green pervade throughout the wreathe, - But scarce can hide some wither’d leaves beneath. - E’en so thy merit with its better part - May serve to cloak the frailties of thine heart. - - Another name? ’tis thine impetuous Horne[35] - With fiery temper, and with looks of scorn. - But little read, or else of feeble brain, - That can but little at a time contain. - Prolix of speech, but coarse and unrefin’d,-- - Thou hast no symptom of the cultur’d mind. - Thy words, like waters roaring down a rock, - Astonish all, whose nerves can bear the shock; - Both rise in mists, and end at last in foam, - Thus savage nature feels with thee at home! - Far, far from me be eloquence so grand; - I like to hear, and hearing understand, - Not race thy tongue thro’ all it’s barren track, - But stop my ears, for fear the drum should crack. - - Come, gentle Shadwell,[36] in thy modest mein - Good sense, good humour are united seen,-- - Good sense well temper’d by reflection sage, - That crowns the promise of thine early age;-- - Good humour, fraught with many a harmless joke, - Which studied insult only can provoke. - Nought can the muse for censure find in thee,-- - Tho’ less than perfect, from great errors free. - Be this thy meed for future times to scan, - A trusty counsel, and an honest man!-- - - But who now creeps along with pallid cheek - And hollow eyes that disappointment speak?-- - ’Tis he, Fonblanque,[37] whose dawning years foretold - Of talent cast in Nature’s choicest mould,-- - A germ, that ripen’d into fruit with care - Rich product worthy of its seed might bear. - Alas! chill Penury with sharpen’d dart - Drank up the vital current of his heart; - Repress’d his Genius in its vernal growth, - And left him struggling with the gripe of sloth. - The fees, that now his air built hopes repay, - Scarce from his door starvation keep away. - O lucky Park,[38] in pompous visage drest, - How did thy merit earn that ermine vest? - If for the book, that falsely bears thy name, - Did not Fonblanque at least deserve the same? - Go, fine a county for its creaking gate, - Hang fifty culprits, lest thy dinner wait! - Make mouths at sheriffs, and the bar commit, - Or when abused, with Christian patience sit. - Heavens! must desert for blighted prospects pine, - And honour light on ignorance like thine?-- - Must folly to the bench exalted be? - And Wisdom buried in obscurity? - No more; let Park his childish course pursue, - And poor Fonblanque the cud of anguish chew. - Be mine the choice, if fortune so would rule, - The starving scholar,--not the titled fool! - - Now with attention let each lip be seal’d, - To hear thy playful speech, sagacious Heald.[39] - While mirth and laughter on thy steps attend, - The gravest audience must perforce unbend. - Of lazy turn, thy facts are seldom true, - Or widely varied from their proper hue; - Not by design, to make a stronger base - For disquisition--but unknown thy case. - Tho’ oft corrected, still thou hast the knack - To send each weapon of derision back; - To scorn the sneer, that others’ lips would close, - And hurl it doubly pointed on thy foes. - If just thy statement, then the case is right; - If false, it shines in more perspicuous light. - Thy ready tongue so shifts the point along, - That, come what will, thou never can’st be wrong. - Conviction bends with half persuaded ear, - And sad opponents quake in hopeless fear. - ’Tis said, of riches thou art far from nude, - And that the law for pastime is pursued;-- - If so, retain thy briefs, but spurn the gold, - For which thy better service must be sold. - For conscience’ sake each fee should be returned.-- - Ill can’st thou keep what is so idly earned! - Hah! art thou deaf? then try the Thespian plank, - And play to gaping crowds the mountebank! - The muse indignant spurns thee from a place, - Where theft is infamy, and sloth disgrace. - - Now Treslove comes--a man, whose plodding ways - Shew nought for censure, and no more for praise. - He speaks sometimes with more than common fire, - But little feeling can his words inspire; - No bright distinction ever can he reach - While calm indifference listens to his speech. - The road to fame he slowly trots along, - Now first, now last amid the vulgar throng; - Like some hot steed, who gains perhaps the start, - But perfect bottom having not at heart, - He drops at last, however urged his pace, - And scarce can save his distance in the race. - - Next Rose and Bickersteth their names display; - The last sedate, the first perhaps too gay. - This in astuteness, that excells in sense, - Matur’d by thought, and labour more intense. - The one with head erect and measur’d stride, - The pink of glory, and the pearl of pride;-- - Seems as ambitious of a taller form, - Or sick of herding with each brother worm. - That dormant eye and inexpressive cheek - But little promise in the other speak,-- - In fact not much has either to admire, - Tho’ each may hope to set the Thames on fire. - If little Rose can make the waters blaze, - Be mine the wonder, and be his the praise. - Should plodding Bickersteth obtain the start, - His head is deeper than his looks impart. - - How singularly fortunes changes fall! - Slow sneaking forth comes learned Weatherall.[40] - Yet half asleep, he seems just rous’d from bed; - Still shines the greasy nightcap on his head. - Unwash’d his face and hands, uncomb’d his hair, - Cut is his beard, but left the lather there. - One stocking decently his leg adorns, - The other, inside out, it’s neighbour scorns. - No brace sustains his small-clothes from the dirt, - Nor keeps conceal’d the mysteries of shirt. - Still is there something in his face and eye, - That serves to shew the mind’s ability,-- - A strange effect of visage, that foretells - Profound research, e’en while it’s glance repells-- - The light of wisdom ting’d by folly’s shade,-- - Scholastic knowledge turned to masquerade. - He speaks; his diction, exquisitely rare, - Astounds the wise, and makes the simple stare. - Greek, Latin, Hebrew, tear his wearied lungs, - And English learns to speak in other tongues. - Fantastic thoughts fantastic language glean, - And reason wonders what they both can mean. - Ill has he tried to mount the heights of fame - By barter’d honor, and a turncoats name. - Why did he plead for traitors all unask’d? - The truth in vain dissimulation mask’d:-- - ’Twas injured pride, and baffled hope that urg’d,-- - The patriot counsel in the madman merg’d. - How frail for him the web ambition spun;-- - As now he is, so was his race begun. - What if he fall, or if he rise again, - We take no pleasure, and we feel no pain. - Few seek his friendship, or to hate have room,-- - His heart a wilderness, his head a tomb; - From this the sympathies of life refuse - To spring, or soon their balmy fragrance lose; - That serves to bury Wisdom’s ancient lore, - But drives the living from its murky door. - All hail! Sir Charles! not Master of the Rolls, - Tho’ half decreed to tend those musty scrolls; - Had but the Premier sooner told his mind, - Or thou, Sir Charles, less hastily resign’d. - Sir Charles! what more? the sybil sisters fly, - And hide in mist the book of destiny! - - From realms of darkness let us turn to light-- - But where, if not to thee, ingenious Knight?[41] - An able draftsman, and a speaker bold, - By prudence guided, ne’er by fear controlled, - To clients faithful, not to foes unjust, - In better hands his suit could no one trust. - By honour urg’d, thou wilt not facts conceal, - But with strong argument their force repeal. - Thus truth is ever to thy speech attached, - Nor hopeless cause by blund’ring falsehood patch’d. - With whom can doubt on safer grounds advise! - Tho’ young in years, so prematurely wise. - In thee deep study, with experience crown’d, - Refines a judgment naturally sound; - Gives force to sense with which the mind is fraught, - And stamps decision on each passing thought. - Thy private life it boots not here to scan, - But as the counsel, so excels the man; - Thy courteous mein, and disposition bland, - Can tame down envy, and it’s rage withstand. - Thee love of virtue leads; nor rough the way - To those, who bend her dictates to obey. - Oh! may’st thou well the tide of glory stem, - And earn thy meed, the legal diadem! - - Lo! Pepys with recent dignity elate - Appears, a not unpleasing advocate! - Fast from his lips the dulcet accents fall, - But not in tediousness, the ear to pall; - Seldom or never from that tone they part, - And by their sweetness wind into the heart. - - Rise, Basil Montagu[42], and shew thy face, - Great legislator of the bankrupt race! - In thee I find a character so strange, - Description hardly can its traits arrange. - That tongue’s licentiousness, and cheek of brass - Betray the stock, of which thy lineage was. - Not void of intellect, but blind with pride, - In vain discretion strives thy course to guide. - Loud mirth precedes, each struggle for a hit, - And empty sneers supply the place of wit. - If careless clerks pay not retaining fees, - Be free as air, and plead for whom you please; - Make use of knowledge, you were paid to learn - For other’s good, and all to mischief turn. - Now state a case, now on thyself reply, - And shine the monarch of absurdity! - Nor less thy brains in making books excell-- - Let who will read them, so the volumes sell. - Hodge bought his razors for a bargain, but - Was quite surprised to find they would not cut. - We buy thy books, yet not like Hodge admire; - To give the cut, we throw them in the fire. - To read would go beyond thine own intent, - And fix on us a double punishment. - For loss of money grief will soon abate,-- - But what for loss of time can compensate? - Away; with tomes no more the world appal, - But rule supreme thy Court of Basinghall.[43] - Maintain thy temple in its purest state,-- - A den of thieves to rapine consecrate. - Let perjured rogues the plunder first prepare, - And just partition be thine only care! - Away with conscience, ’tis an idle tale, - Reward thy service ’till the assets fail! - The service what? Each sovereign fee to store, - And curse the law, because it gives no more; - To hear a bankrupt, or a counsel prate,-- - Sometimes a dividend to calculate,-- - (But this not oft, if truth confessed must be, - As lawyers seldom know the rule of three, - Or by their art so much the estate reduce, - That luckless Cocker is no more of use) - To tender oaths in heathen mockery, - And send to Newgate all who will not lie; - To hold ten meetings at a time, because - Ten golden coins, instead of one, it draws; - To do and not to do--that is to leave - Undone the business, but the cash receive; - To make adjournments ’till another day - Of what might be dispatched without delay, - If Avarice could brook the lesser pay. - These are the pleasures of thy realm, where trade, - At war with honesty, it’s grave hath made; - Where pale Britannia sits in speechless woe, - And trembling marks the inroads of a foe, - Whose arts at last will public safety sap, - And tear the fruits of commerce from her lap-- - Atchieve what foreign states have tried in vain-- - To crush her empire--or curtail her reign! - - But speed, my muse, thy roving spirit mend, - Or rhymes, like causes, ne’er will have an end. - Let portraiture no more thy thoughts engage, - Nor stoop to make a law-list of thy page. - Where praise is due, let public fame bestow - The meed; and scorn to want of merit shew. - - Off to the court, a cause the criers call, - And echo answers from the neighbouring hall. - ’Tis ours at last; and now shall law decide - How long possession must a title guide,-- - If sixty years less one unlucky day - Might turn Giles Dobbin from his farm away; - Not that a soul disputes his present claim, - But what may be, is, as it were, the same:-- - That is, if Giles to neighbour Gripe dispose - A field, and Gripe should by the bargain lose,-- - Giles with delight his contract seeks to keep, - And Gripe a loop-hole from the net to creep:-- - Nor hard the task; for error shines reveal’d, - Tho’ dark itself, from others not conceal’d. - But what in law is error? ask the wind, - Whence comes it? goes it? what it’s shape or kind? - Seek from the moon to know each mystic spot, - And judge what constitutes a legal blot. - ’Tis something coin’d of ignorance and doubt, - Despis’d by sense, yet seldom found without; - A light, that glimmers thro’ some narrow screen, - Which scarce admits the feeble ray between; - A poison’d bubble, floating in the air, - That, when it bursts, will leave it’s venom there; - A Gorgon’s head, on which the eye, once set, - Must think with terror, and not soon forget; - A monster gliding underneath the wave, - That but appears, to prove the swimmers grave; - A flame that gouls from moulder’d coffins rouse - To shew the horrors of the Charnel-house; - A lamp of Hell, by imp malignant wrought - To scare the sight, and agonize the thought; - ’Tis this, that mars all peace; engenders strife, - And adds self-ruin to the woes of life. - - See, from the dust a novel creature spring, - The serpent’s nature with an eagles wing! - With tooth so sharp, and pow’r to soar as high - Thro’ all the pathless realms of sophistry! - Conveyancer[44]! so call’d, because his art - Can change and motion to estates impart; - Not by the efforts of mechanic hand, - But using legal error for a wand. - In vain the son his grandsires right displays, - And widow’d mother for her dowry prays. - A deed unsign’d, or signed too late, too soon, - A secret testament, a prior boon-- - No stamp, or one not properly affixed,-- - An instrument with fraud or weakness mix’d,-- - A marriage, not by proper ritual grac’d,-- - A seal by chance destroy’d or name effac’d,-- - A passage interlined, or falsely crost; - A fine unlevied, or recov’ry lost,-- - Construction varying with the varying mind, - And best opinions changing, like the wind,-- - A meaning clear, tho’ doubtfully express’d,-- - A meaning doubtful, tho’ in clearness dress’d,-- - A rule of law, by folly misapplied,-- - A point, which justice never yet has tried;-- - All these, and thousands more the muse could name - The strength enfeeble of possessive claim;-- - Give to this monster necromantic skill, - And make the law subservient to his will. - Lo! at his bidding money chang’d to lands, - And lands to money, as his voice commands;-- - Estates for life a stinted term bewail, - And those in fee are hamper’d by a tail,-- - O’ergrown remainders vanish into dust. - And useless uses take the form of trust. - ’Tis his to conjure doubts, to breed dismay, - And hunt, a jackall, for the lions prey,-- - To lend his aid, when crafty villains ask, - And clothe their purpose in an honest mask! - - Nor rare the tribe; altho’ at first confin’d - To few; and those of scientific mind, - But yet not much enlighten’d;--as the spark - Of ill-wrought taper makes the night more dark, - Such Hargreave, Butler, Fearne, and many more, - Whose names have added to the mystic lore, - Which all must own was mist enough before.-- - But these have had their day; and Preston[45] now - Assumes the sway with dictatorial brow. - And who is he? from whence? and what his claim - To be inscrib’d upon the rolls of fame? - In Devon born, he duly serv’d his time, - That long five years apprenticeship to crime-- - Which at the desk he spent without a bribe,-- - The ready copyist, and the unsullen scribe. - From Shepherd’s Touchstone next he drew a source - Of knowledge useful for his future course; - Thence did he learn each deed with curious eye. - To scan by practice of anatomy:-- - As surgeons carefully dissect the heart, - To gain experience of each inward part. - Thus plodding on, while greater talents slept, - He and his doctrines into notice crept. - But novelty is past; and, like the worm, - That, for a time, has ta’en some brighter form, - Turns to the grub again, when life is gone;-- - So Preston’s glory into air hath flown. - See in his chamber, where yon mirror hangs! - ’Tis there he studies for his court harangues: - Harangues, whereby he seldom gains a cause, - Yet never fails to win his own applause. - He lisps--did not Demosthenes the same, - Before with pebbles he that fault o’ercame? - What, if conceit possesses Preston’s mind? - Pray, was not Cicero as vainly blind? - Not that I mean--no, reason aid me there-- - With one or other Preston to compare. - They shine bright stars of eloquence sublime, - Each name untarnish’d by the rust of time; - While Preston’s name will last no longer than - The brief continuance of his own short span. - Fate in himself hath wisely plac’d the key - Of all he ever was, is, or shall be. - His praise with life shall to the grave descend, - One common burial and one common end!-- - Unless, perchance in folly’s rank supreme, - He still may live to be of mirth the theme, - When those, who pass yon barren moors, shall state - How well he tried those heaths to cultivate; - Raise vegetation from the granite stone, - And rule the will of nature by his own. - - The cause is open’d. Bell begins to plead, - And argues thus that Dobbin must succeed,[46] - “My Lord, your Lordship sees by common sense - “What is the object of my friend’s defence. - “A losing contract don’t exactly please, - “And that’s the reason, as your lordship sees. - “This having thus premised”--“nay, stop,” cries Horne; - “The statement really is not to be borne; - “A client breathes not, who can mine excell, - “At least as upright as my brother Bell.” - Then Bell resumes his speech with stutt’ring phrase, - “Why interrupt me when I state the case. - “Your Lordship knows that when men feel despair, - “They strive by noise to dissipate their care; - “Just so my friend that feeling would repress - “By dint of rage and stormy scornfulness; - “And well I know this conduct is but meant - “To break the order of one’s argument. - “So this I say, the judgment seat before, - “That right is right;--I do not plead for more. - “Defendant will not to his purchase stand, - “Whereby my client loses cash and land. - “Can this be right? No. Then, ’tis clear to me - “Relief with costs your Lordship will decree!” - - Next Horne uprises with resentment dire, - And sputters nonsense in a speech of fire. - “My Lord,” he cries, “behold this massive bill; - “The office copy would a volume fill! - “’Tis only done my client to oppress, - “Investing falsehood with a grander dress,-- - “The whole a tissue of malignant lies; - “Defendant’s answer every fact denies. - “My client has perhaps the land enjoyed, - “But then his money has been unemployed; - “For, when the abstract was from Preston got, - “It shew’d too glaringly the fatal blot. - “Possessive title, as your Lordship knows, - “Full sixty years enjoyment must disclose. - “Now it so happen’d that on Lady Day, - “When my poor client had the cash to pay; - “Hours four and twenty (so the fact appears) - “Must pass, to make a term of sixty years. - “The point, tho’ doubted once, is set at rest;-- - “My friend may smile, but mine will be the jest. - “I claim your Lordship’s judgment on my side - “With all the foresight of triumphant pride. - “Nor care I who may blame! my client stands - “For Justice; and the law, not praise, demands:-- - “If harsh the deed, his conscience may atone, - “But to the priest be that confession known.” - - Thus Bell replies--“My Lord, behold my friend, - “Another Shylock--comes our lives to end. - “The pound of flesh he claims in barb’rous mood, - “Tho’ death should follow with the loss of blood. - “My friend admits the only flaw he knows - “Thro’ all the title to the paltry close, - “Is that on Lady Day a few short hours - “Were wanting to complete this term of ours; - “And that, because the title then was found - “Defective, nought on earth could make it sound. - “Who doubts the motive of such rotten plea? - “My friend may fume, ’tis plain enough to me. - “He asks for Justice.--What is Justice here? - “On March the twenty-sixth, our right was clear. - “That very day as evidence will shew, - “Defendant from his purchase wish’d to go, - “In this deceptious refuge took resort, - “And drove us most unwilling into Court. - “If law and justice in one point unite, - “My friend is wrong, and I am surely right. - “Who makes a contract must the terms fulfil;-- - “We always have been ready; are so still. - “The title clear; the field by Gripe possess’d, - “No purchase money paid, nor interest,-- - “Is this a case for cautious doubt to pause? - “Let common sense at once decide the cause! - “Substantial justice to my claim decree, - “And make for once a Court of Equity.” - - Now hear the judge. “This cause I cannot end, - “But must with sorrow to the master send.[47] - “Let him into the business well inquire, - “And state each fact, as parties may desire,-- - “What changes, if at all, has undergone - “The title; and when first a right was shewn. - “These points the wisest master should engross; - “So let the matter be referr’d to Cross. - “All other question, and the costs be stay’d - “For future judgment, when report is made.” - - Ye heathen bards, in whose Tartarean Hell - “Hope withering droops, and mercy sighs farewell.” - Dark scene of horror, punishment, and fear; - Behold its agonies depictured here! - Another Tantalus attempts to sip - The welcome spring, that flows to mock his lip:-- - Another Sysiphus rolls up the stone - To some tall height, from which it thunders down: - Here wretched dames, who never did a crime, - In filling sieves are doom’d to spend their time;-- - Here too Ixions writhe upon a wheel - With pangs, that disappointment makes them feel; - While Tityus lies, by justice thrown aback, - And owns the tortures of a sharper rack; - Despair, the vulture, on his liver feeds, - And laps each gory life-drop, as it bleeds,-- - Screams with delight at the prolong’d repast, - And owns no more the anguish of a fast! - - In Chancery Lane a fabrick[48] rears its head, - Whose vermin inmates, by foul plunder fed, - In impious candour drown all mental qualms, - And cringe for bribes, as beggars ask for alms. - There registrar’s in form prepare decrees - With long recitals, adding to their fees; - While ill-paid clerks, unable else to live, - From office copies equal spoil derive. - Woe to the thrifty wretch, whoe’er he be, - That asks from South[49] no copy of decree! - In vain attention shall he claim; in vain - To ideot Burrows of delay complain. - Threats and entreaties meet the same neglect; - But take a copy, and secure respect. - Thus tam’d, no more the pug-nos’d monkey fear; - For all your wants command the pliant ear! - Your welcome face will haunt him in his dream, - And every smile a copy-order seem. - - Nor less are ent’ring clerks by lucre sway’d, - Tho’ shame invests their purpose with a shade. - If orders press, they will not take a bribe:-- - No, tempt not thus each conscientious scribe! - They spurn all gold you would on them confer; - But pray, be gen’rous to the stationer.[50] - A name invented rapine to conceal,-- - As tailors cabbage, but disdain to steal. - Thro’ all the court it runs from right to left, - By custom sanctified, tho’ still a theft. - No outward form of words will vary crime;-- - Who cribs an egg, may rob the house in time. - Once pass the bounds of uprightness, and see - How quick the transit into knavery! - - Of all this dunghill crew there triumphs one, - Whom I must name Corruption’s favourite son! - Abbott[51], stand forth! thou pious-looking elf, - Cloak in that simple face thy love of pelf; - Of pelf extorted from the suitor’s purse. - Oh! may it prove to thee and thine a curse! - Let all reports thy greedy hand hath fil’d - Start from their shelves, and hearing thee revil’d, - Make known each instance of thy golden lust, - And own the muse is in its censure just. - - Before my sight another viper’s nest[52] - Appears, as foul and loathsome as the rest; - Where bad accountants shew no other tact, - Than that which centres in the word “substract”-- - That is, from others’ pocket to transfer - (The price of peace) what none would else confer. - For this objections, flimsy as the net - A spider weaves each passing fly to get, - They coin, and language turn from its intent - To speak a purpose that was never meant. - Some name mis-spelt--one letter less or more, - A petty blunder ne’er observed before,-- - A mode of diction not precisely plain, - When fools attempt the grammar’s art to strain,-- - Add to delay full many an iron bar, - And every effort of progression mar. - For, like the hydra, should you crush one head, - Behold ten others rising in its stead! - - Alcide’s labours seem reviv’d, but none - Are found, like him, to combat vice alone. - Where right should flourish, see the weeds of crime - Brought to perfection by the viper’s slime; - Guilt spreads unnotic’d over Virtue’s ground, - And crawling reptiles spit their venom round. - - Time was, when I on common sense intent, - These cocker critics fought with argument; - But soon I found that weapon better told - When slyly pointed with a piece of gold; - Conviction follow’d, as I gave it in, - And all confess’d my art deserv’d to win-- - May heaven’s recorder blot away the sin! - - Speed onward, Pegasus, and take a peep, - Where sixty clerks with their six elders sleep;[53] - Of whom the muse no good account can give,-- - The worst of idlers in a dronish hive. - To do their duty on the Bible sworn;-- - That oath should seem as taken but in scorn. - Why should they labour in so bad a trade? - Ten pence for ninety words is vilely paid; - And six and eight-pence adds but little strength, - When taxing bills according to their length. - - Luxurious Baines! how often have I knelt - To beg thy presence, ’ere the news was spelt! - When idle fits enchained thee to the fire, - In vain persuasion, or the look of ire. - No force could motion to thy limbs impart; - A torpid creature, without head or heart! - And yet in thee the same weak point abounds. - Paid on account a cheque for fifty pounds - Thou feelest then a temper far more civil, - And for that sum would follow to the devil. - No more the blood-drops stagnate in thy veins; - No more can truth describe thee, lazy Baines! - - Taxation[54] hail! thine academic school - Behold, where all are taught to judge by rule, - Not reason. Fools are ever paid the same - As those, whose talents grace the rolls of fame. - Successful labour gets no better pay - Than indolence, that loiters on the way;-- - No matter what the toil, or care, or pain,-- - Should usage fail, remonstrance pleads in vain. - In odious custom judgment lies interr’d; - To that is argument and sense referr’d. - By general nostrums quacks endanger life, - So clerks in court apply the pruning knife. - The system lops each rotten bough, ’tis true; - But then it severs many a sound one too. - Turn to the tedious process of contempt;-- - Why should my foe from payment be exempt, - If, firm in every stage, except the last, - He leaves to me all damage of the past?-- - Nor this the only point for suitors grief; - Ten thousand others claim a like relief. - If judges must permit delay at all, - The costs at least should on the guilty fall: - For where is justice, reason, law, or sense, - When parties in the wrong escape th’ expense. - No shelter lies beneath a silly rule; - It serves but to increase the ridicule;-- - The blund’ring precept of some ancient sage, - Whose light is darkness in the present age. - - There are, I hear, who bound in plainer calf - From every item always tax one half-- - A sapient plan! which he, who draws the bill, - Can well defeat without a Turpin’s skill. - ’Tis but to double what he means to score, - And thus hath plunder found another door;-- - A place of entrance smuggled, as it were, - Thro’ one, who should prevent intrusion there! - - I leave the cause with which my strain began; - For why again the same dull topics scan? - What Cross decides will not be right in course,-- - Of new delays, and fresh appeals the source! - The ground, law’s hopeless victim trod before, - Must be re-trac’d with tardy pace once more. - Years of long trial he must pass again, - Till death shall finish, not his suit but pain; - And if, perchance, his twentieth heir shall see - An end to this heart-eating misery, - To pay large extra-costs the wretch can’t fail,-- - His fate St. Lukes, the Workhouse, or a Jail. - - A Court of Equity is well defin’d - By those, who call it “very, very kind,--” - The dwarf, who to a giant friend applied, - Obtain’d large conquests fighting by his side; - But every battle lopp’d away a limb. - Suitors! are you not very much like him? - Without that giant’s aid in vain the war; - But his is all the profit, yours the scar. - What boots success, if dearly bought with life? - Defend me, Heaven! from such victorious strife. - Ye dwarfs, no more such strong protection seek, - Unequal friendships always hurt the weak! - Ye injured, shun all help from Chancery! - The Court’s a hell, of which death keeps the key!!! - - Still are there cases, where it seems to shine, - But ’tis like icicle in iron mine,-- - Bright for a time, and brilliant beams it’s ray, - But soon it breaks or melting fades away;-- - Thus when the Court, a Foundling Hospital, - On orphan babes[55] it’s parent hand lets fall, - The deed so charitably good appears, - That fond delusion hails the sight with tears;-- - But soon alas! those tears of joy will turn - To drops of bitter woe, the soul to burn-- - E’en babes must pay of guardianship the price, - And feel the gripe of legal avarice. - The masters word must ever guide their fate - In person, conduct, marriage, or estate. - Some trees want felling; houses claim repair; - A lease is sought; are the conditions fair? - Receivers would upon a farm distrain; - Guardians of too small maintenance complain; - In every case, before an act be done, - Must approbation from the Court be won; - Aye, e’n ere Hymen’s torch can hallow love, - The Court and Master must its joys approve. - - Oh! happy infants, how supremely blest! - To this parental care is but a jest. - A tiger of her young, by death withdrawn, - Supplied the loss by suckling a young fawn. - Maternal love into her bosom crept, - And for a time each wilder passion slept; - But famine soon upon the savage grew; - With sparkling eyes her foster cub she drew - Close to her dugs, where lay the milky sup; - And out of pure affection eat it up. - Just so the Court each tender orphan treats; - But ’tis the fortune, not the babe, it eats. - - When men run mad, the Court effectual pains - Exerts, that none should e’er resume their brains; - For picture one, who buried in the tomb - Should wake again amid the charnel’s gloom, - Find his cold corpse by winding sheets secur’d. - And thus within a narrow vault immured; - Say, would the light of his returning sense - Do more, than once again expel it thence? - E’en so the maniac, if, by chance, a beam - Of wand’ring reason thro’ his head should gleam, - What speechless horror would he feel to see - Himself and substance wards of Chancery? - That prospect all reviving sense would sever, - And plunge his mind in darkest night for ever! - - Should partners quarrel in their mutual trade, - What friend so ready as the Court to aid? - View’d from afar it’s proffers kind may seem, - But near acquaintance proves the whole a dream. - Death at our call a visit oft will pay, - Surprised to find we wish him far away;-- - So Chancery suitors are compelled with grief - To spurn the hand, from which they sought relief - Whate’er the joint concern; for five per cent - The court secures an able management; - Keeps just account, but at a large expense, - And claims great merit for it’s abstinence. - Thus Eldon long of Opera House the warden, - And erst ex-manager of Covent Garden,[56] - Play’d many parts on the commercial stage;-- - The most extensive chapman of the age. - In iron now, and now in brass he dealt, - But gold would never in his fingers melt; - With careful hand he kept the precious ore, - And every guinea made him wish for more. - - When stinted tenants do or threaten waste, - Fly for injunctions to the court in haste; - And weep at leisure o’er the wasted means, - That e’en success from such procedure gleans.[57] - Another’s faults are seldom pass’d unknown: - How few will condescend to cure their own! - - Ye hungry churchmen, fond of tithes in kind, - Hunt ancient records, ancient rights to find. - Preach to your simple flock of peace with tears, - Then,--set them altogether by the ears; - And, should you wish sincerely lov’d to be, - Drag all the parish into Chancery-- - For your’s is not the fault, but theirs, who bilk - The starving rector of his tithes of milk, - Of corn, potatoes, wood, calves, geese, and swine; - Say, claims he not the tenth by right divine?[58] - From holy writ the principle is taken, - And he who doubts will scarcely save his bacon! - - How many jars from nuptial contracts rise, - And add fresh force to legal sacrifice! - Decay’d affections, ere they quite expire, - Erect in Chancery their fun’ral pyre; - The husband lights the flambeau for his spouse, - And both in turn contention’s spirit rouse:-- - Still is it singular, ’mid all their strife, - How well they keep the part of man and wife. - Each on the other loads abuse at first, - But ends at last in cursing law the worst.[59] - - Of all the copious springs, that Chancery fill, - The most prolific is a nabob’s will. - From every line a source of contest flows, - That wakes to light, when he sinks to repose. - How would the miser, who hath left his hoard, - To build a place for service of the Lord, - Or some more charitable purpose, stare, - To see that treasure given to his heir,[60] - A thoughtless prodigal, to whom, in hope - Of making better he bequeathed a rope; - The only loom which that young gen’rous elf - Wished the testator to enjoy himself. - There’s not a legacy, or land devise, - On which some legal question may not rise, - Of long litigious misery the root, - Set by a hand, that never reaps its fruit. - - Oh! Equity, thou o’ergorg’d beast, digest - What now distends thy maw, and spare the rest. - Let weary jackalls slumber for a time, - ’Till sleep begets an emptiness of crime. - When hunger calls, employ again thy pow’r, - But mangle not, unless thou can’st devour.[61] - Of death itself we little should complain, - If lingering torments did not add to pain. - - Exhaustion summons; not that matter fails, - But idle nature o’er my muse prevails. - A weariness in her perhaps may find - The same sensations in a reader’s mind. - Enough for me, if one amid the throng - Shall learn to profit by my humble song; - Embark not vainly in a losing cause, - Nor seek protection from deficient laws. - Enough for me, if by exposure shamed, - One wretch shall be from vicious acts reclaim’d; - Admit that truth has temper’d censure’s rod, - And rescued him from Beelzebub to God! - - - THE END. - - - LONDON: - - Printed by J. KAY, 1, Welbeck Street, - Cavendish Square. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[1] Market day to a country attorney, is like sowing-time to the -corn-field. It lays the foundation of his professional harvest. From -the conferences of that day spring all his actions at law, and his -chancery suits. Litigation, encouraged by legal advice and good ale, -warms into action, and is no longer restrained by the dictates of sober -prudence. - -[2] Every one knows the difficulty of reading Bell’s opinions. He -is said to have three sorts of hand writing: the first he can read -himself, but his clerk cannot. The second his clerk can read, but -he cannot. The third, no human being; no, not even the most learned -decipherer of hieroglyphics, can make out. - -[3] I mean no personal disrespect to Mr. Bell, whose superior talents I -freely acknowledge; but such are the opinions of most counsel, and on -such precious morsels of indecision are founded chancery suits without -number. - -[4] This is a scene from Lincolns Inn. There is not a draftsman or -solicitor, that will not feel the truth of it; the one with conscious -shame, the other with that bitterness of spirit, arising from the -recollection of repeated disappointments of a similar nature to those -described. - -[5] It is this demand of “money on account” that first removes the film -from the eyes of the unhappy client. He then discovers the full horror -of his situation. Expenses have been incurred, and to retreat will -involve him in a certain loss. He therefore determines to proceed, but -with terror in his looks, and despair at his heart. - -[6] All chancery writs are sealed, which, being a mere matter of form, -is done in a moment. Certain days, however, are appointed for this -ceremony, and should any pressing business occur at any other time, it -is necessary to pay a fee of two guineas to open the seal, as it is -called. - -[7] I recommend no man to attach his adversary for want of appearance -or answer--let a defendant take his own time. The allowed costs of an -attachment are somewhere about eight shillings and two pence, upon -tendering which sum the defendant is entitled to be discharged from his -contempt, although the plaintiff may have incurred an expense of 20_l._ -in executing the process, and carrying his opponent to goal. Another -instance of the propriety with which this court is denominated a “court -of equity.” - -[8] Should a solicitor be negligent in his business, the clerk in -court will amuse himself for years with handing alternative notes of -“Answer or Attachment” to the adverse clerk in court, without the least -probability of any attention ever being paid to them. In every case -this ridiculous courtesy is productive of much unnecessary delay. The -order for time is equally useless and absurd. A defendant in a country -cause is entitled as of course to two; one for six weeks, and another -for a month. Why could he not be allowed to claim the time he is thus -entitled to without this mummery and expense. - -[9] An ingenious draftsman, well versed in all the dilatory knowledge -necessary to protract a suit--the uncle, I believe, of the notorious -Edward Gibbon Wakefield! - -[10] James Lowe of Southampton Buildings, Chancery Lane, a well-known -solicitor, very fond of drawing his own pleadings, but which, it is -said, he cannot often get counsel to sign. Koe obliges him occasionally -with his sign manual, but I have understood that this gentleman’s -conscience is too tender on some occasions to give perfect satisfaction. - -[11] To whom is the ignorant and blustering Francis Cross unknown; -once captain of Militia, now master in chancery? His qualifications -for the latter office are said to have been discovered by the late -Lord Chancellor in the gallant exertions he displayed in assisting -his Lordship and Lady Eldon out of the kennel, in which a broken down -carriage had left them sprawling. Any scavenger would have done as -much. Gratitude on this occasion really carried his Lordship too far, -but as the only instance on record of any thing like feeling in his -character, it is well worthy of admiration. The military genius of -Captain Cross still displays itself in the repeated vollies of fire, -ending in smoke, with which he attacks all those who have courage -enough to dispute his erroneous opinions. - -[12] Samuel Compton Cox,--a worthy man, but one who lets his passions -outstrip his judgment. The slightest observation will often give -offence, and anger renders him deaf to all reason and argument. - -[13] Francis Paul Stratford--a gentleman, who frequently amuses himself -with throwing books at the solicitors attending before him. - -[14] James Stephen--a great advocate for the abolition of the Slave -Trade--much to be commended for having abolished in his office that -shameful practice of giving to the chief clerk large un-authorized fees -upon every report. Few men would have had courage enough to brave the -odium, to which such a step, unimitated by the other masters, must have -exposed this gentleman. - -[15] James Trower--the most trifling of all official babblers. - -[16] John Pugh chief clerk to Sir Giffin Wilson, and John Hone the -same to Master Cox. Should a solicitor pay not handsomely these two -worthies, let him expect but little attention. From the former, indeed, -it is hardly possible by any means to secure civility. - -[17] Mr. Kensit and Mr. Jones; two men as remarkable for their -abilities and civility as for the amiable contrast they exhibit to the -two masters (Stratford and Cross) of whom they are respectively chief -clerks. - -[18] Lord Lyndhurst--the present Lord Chancellor--late Sir John -Singleton Copley Knight--a man of strong intellect and sound judgment, -but totally inexperienced in the practice and principles of a court of -equity. - -[19] The Earl of Eldon. The descriptive portrait of his Lordship -is drawn from my own observation--my readers (if I should ever be -fortunate enough to have any) will judge of its correctness. - -[20] Sir John Leach, late vice chancellor, now master of the Rolls; the -peculiar object of dislike to Lord Eldon on account of the comparative -dispatch with which he disposed of the causes that were brought before -him. - -[21] Henry Brougham, (pronounced “Broom”) whose continual attacks upon -his Lordship, and the court over which he presided, gave mortal offence. - -[22] Her Ladyship’s frugality is well known. It would be out of place -here to repeat the stories of the turbot and turkey. - -[23] Mr. Hand Clerk of the papers to the late Lord Chancellor, who -could never be prevailed on to receive papers, where he could avoid -it with any sort of decency. Adverting to the immense accumulation of -papers he used to say that the Chancellor could scarcely enter his own -house without being in danger of breaking his shins over a bundle of -briefs at the door. - -[24] This being only an interlocutory proceeding, the _supposition may -perhaps be entertained_. - -[25] William Agar and his mansion in the country, near St. Pancrass -workhouse, are well known. So inviolable does he maintain his -territorial rights, that a poor wretch caught angling in his fish-pond -the other day, was, as I hear, transported for that heinous offence. -Frowd, of the firm of Frowd and Rose, Carey Street, and Philip Hurd, -of the house of Hurd and Johnson, Temple, are notorious as the chief -providers of this calf-like lion. - -[26] George Spence. This gentleman, who lately contrived to get himself -returned member of parliament for a few weeks, had the vain effrontery -to inform the House of Commons that his sole object in getting there, -was to instruct them in legislation on equitable juris-prudence. - -[27] Witnesses in Chancery are examined upon written interrogations -prepared and signed by counsel: a most wretched and ineffectual system -of extracting truth. The execution of the commission is entrusted to -friends of the solicitors in the cause, and the witnesses are all -previously well tutored as to what it is expected of them to swear. -The proceedings are always conducted at an inn, where the solicitors, -commissioners and witnesses, drown all their animosities in the -sociability of the table. Every day is provided at the expense of the -litigant parties a dinner, at which the viands and wines are the very -best and most expensive that the house can afford. Liberal potations of -course produce head-aches, for which there is nothing so wholesome as -air and exercise. Business is thus frequently neglected for the sports -of the field. Can any censure be too severe for such iniquity? - -[28] The depositions of witnesses are liable to be suppressed on many -trifling grounds, which is another serious grievance arising out of the -mode of taking evidence in the Court of Chancery. I was some time ago -informed that the omission of the letter “s” at the end of the word -“evangelists” in a jurat, actually caused an expense to the plaintiff -of about 80_l._ - -[29] The death of a party, who has an interest in any cause, often -produces infinite delay. I have known a suit remain inactive for many -years in consequence of there being no person who would take out -administration to the deceased. - -[30] The change or death of a solicitor in the cause is also frequently -the means of prolonging a suit. There are many instances in which the -taxation of a suitor’s bill has been pending for several years. Our -friend James Lowe is here introduced on the grand arena of his fame. -He carries taxation to an extremity of meanness and hostility that is -perfectly disgusting! - -[31] Solicitors are allowed 4_d._ a folio of ninety words for -abbreviating pleadings, and 3_s._ 4_d._ a brief sheet for copying the -abbreviations. They are also allowed 10_s._ a sheet for drawing and -copying observations, which I will venture to say no counsel ever -reads. The word “brief” is truly the “lucus a non lucendo.” - -[32] Sir Samuel Romilly, who, with all his virtues, was as much -attached to fees as any man. Hundreds of briefs did he take when he -must have known that it was impossible for him to attend to them. A man -cannot divide himself, nor be at the same moment in the House of Lords, -and the Court of Chancery. - -[33] Sir Anthony Hart, of considerable experience in the principles -and practice of the Court of Chancery; but a prosing and monotonous -advocate. One of his long speeches has frequently set me to sleep, and -I believe I was not singular in my drowsiness. He has recently been -created Vice Chancellor. - -[34] Edward Burtenshaw Sugden, a counsel who always reads his briefs, -and does justice to his case. He has written a book on powers, which -he frequently cites as “The Book on Powers.” He has great talent, and -has also the wit to know it. The Sussex election, at which he was so -hastily “perused and settled” by Sir Godfrey Webster must be fresh in -public recollection. His conduct more recently, on proposing himself -for a borough, and offering to be guided in his politics by the wishes -of the electors, deserves severe reprehension; but for this perhaps he -is sufficiently punished by the exposure of his correspondence to that -effect. - -[35] William Horne, an angry snarler, of fluent speech, but feeble -argument. - -[36] Lancelot Shadwell, who well merits all that is said of him. - -[37] John Fonblanque; who has merited more than he has obtained. His -notes to the Treatise on Equity, are written with very considerable -talent. - -[38] Mr. Park, who some few years ago published a book of some merit, -but which, it was said, he never wrote. This work, however, and his -affectation of extraordinary piety seem to have been the cause of his -elevation to a dignity, for which he was totally incompetent. His -behaviour in court was occasionally that of an ideot. When on the -circuit, the door of the town-hall must not creak, nor he be kept a -moment from his dinner under any circumstances. His ill-temper exposed -him to continual quarrels with the counsel, and whenever he found -himself in the wrong, he talked of behaving towards one he might have -offended with the patience of a Christian judge. - -[39] George Heald, a man of great abilities, and considerable wit, but -so idle that he seldom reads his brief. If the statements of counsel -may be supposed to have any weight on the mind of the judge, what must -be the situation of Heald’s client;--of whom the adverse counsel may -state what he pleases as alledged in the pleadings without the fear of -contradiction; for how can the other know whether it be true or false? -To be sure if Agar were his adversary, he might give a shrewd guess! - -[40] Sir Charles Weatherall!--late attorney general;--an office, to -which it should seem he had long aspired. His defence of Watson, -Thistlewood, &c. is well known; and the motive of his conduct in that -affair is said to have been disappointed ambition. On the occasion of -the late change in the ministry, it was asserted that a letter from -the premier, appointing Sir Charles, Master of the Rolls, and from Sir -Charles, tendering his resignation of the office of Attorney General, -crossed each other on the road. - -[41] James Lewis Knight;--of whose sound judgment and sterling talents -I am glad to have an opportunity of offering this small tribute of -admiration. - -[42] Basil Montagu!--employed only in bankruptcy cases. He is -particularly notorious in stickling for retainers; without which he -pretends to think himself justified to support a petition to-day, and -oppose it to-morrow. He is also an author; or, I should rather say, a -compositor of books, which are sometimes bought, but not much read. I -do not trouble myself about his genealogy. - -[43] The bankruptcy system in this country is most horrible. Let any -one visit the commissioners court in Basinghall Street, and witness the -scenes that are there transacted. The commissioners are paid 20_s._ for -each meeting, and in order to make the most of their time, they have -frequently ten different appointments at the same hour. The confusion -may be easily conceived. - -[44] It was not until lately that the practice of conveyancing was -converted into an independent branch of the legal profession, and -clogged with all the niceties in which it is at present enveloped. Few -titles can stand the test of the all-searching scrutiny with which -they are now investigated. Conveyancers always furnish a very abundant -supply of litigation to the Court of Chancery. - -[45] Richard Preston, brought up in a country attorneys office, and -thence removed to London, where he has for several years practised as a -conveyancer. He is the editor of a work called, Shepherd’s Touchstone, -and the author of several publications on conveyancing. In the early -part of his career he obtained some reputation for talent, but much -of it has passed away. He is vainer of his oratorical powers than a -peacock of its tail, but the bird has this advantage over the man, that -others unite in admiration of its feathers; while Preston is compelled -to be satisfied with his own applause. He once formed a project, -very ingenious no doubt, for cultivating some of the barren moors -in Devonshire, but in attempting to carry it into effect, he was, I -believe, nearly ruined. - -[46] The arguments, will, I fear, be found very dull; but should the -reader ever attend the Court of Chancery, he will find the reality -equally stupid. It can hardly be expected of me that I should be able -to make Horne agreeable, or Bell amusing. - -[47] Some idle reference to the master is the favourite mode of -disposing of a cause practiced by Sir John Leach--men who know no -better praise him for his dispatch. The suitor finds to his cost that -such expedition is very tedious and very expensive. - -[48] The office of the registrars. - -[49] Mr. South is chief clerk to Henry Burrows one of the deputy -registrars of the court. To win South’s favor the solicitor must take -copies of all minutes, orders, and decrees. It is not very wise to get -into his black book. To those, who never bespeak an office copy he is -blind and deaf. The following dialogue is said to have taken place -between South and a solicitor. Sol. “I shall be obliged Mr. South by -your letting me have the short order as soon as possible.” South. -“Do you take a copy.” Sol. “No.” South. “Call in a fortnight.” Sol. -“On second thought Mr. South, I shall want a copy.” South. “Oh! call -to-morrow.” - -[50] “The stationer” is a cant term made use of in all the Chancery -offices for money you are obliged to give beyond the regular fees for -expediting any business. - -[51] Mr. Abbot, chief clerk in the office, where reports are -filed--from whom the solicitor will in vain attempt to get an office -copy of a report, unless “the stationer” has been thought of. - -[52] The accountant general’s office; where a parcel of addle-headed -clerks give the solicitors an infinity of trouble by picking holes -in orders and reports for the purpose of shewing their consequence, -and inducing the profession to bribe them into silence, which is -accordingly often done with effect. It is better to humour the viper, -than tread upon his tail. - -[53] The office of the six clerks, and of the sixty clerks in court -where all pleadings are filed. The principal duty of the clerks in -court is to copy the pleadings (for which he is allowed 10_d._ a folio) -and to assist the masters in taxing costs at the rate of 6_s._ 8_d._ -for every hour or for every twenty folios in the length of the bill. -They are all a set of drones, but our friend John Baines really out -Hectors Hector. - -[54] Taxation is entirely regulated by custom, and the principle upon -which it is conducted often produces the greatest injustice as well -to the solicitor as to the client. To get a party into contempt for -disobedience to an order of the court a writ of execution must be -taken out and served upon him, and various other expensive proceedings -resorted to; and yet should he obey the order before the whole process -is actually completed, not one sixpence will be allowed against him in -costs. There are other instances equally gross. I have often argued -against such injustice, but have been always answered “this is our -rule, we cannot do otherwise.” Is it not high time that a remedy should -be provided. There are some, who in taxing discretionary charges as -between a solicitor and his client, invariably take off one half of -each item. How must a conscientious solicitor suffer from this mode of -exercising direction! The resource of a less delicate mind is obvious. - -[55] Infants and lunatics are the peculiar objects of the court’s -protection as well in person as estate--but it is like an ogre feasting -on the traveller to whom he had offered an asylum. - -[56] The court is frequently obliged to interfere in partnership -brawls, and wind up the joint trade. The Opera House has been in -Chancery for years, and Covent Garden has now the same felicity. - -[57] Why is not the court as vigilant in abstaining from waste, as it -is in preventing others from committing it? - -[58] Tithe-questions present a fruitful source of equitable -jurisdiction. It is the fashion of churchmen to boast of their title by -“right divine.” If the right be celestial, the remedy is satanic! - -[59] Marriage settlements produce infinite litigation, but much as -husband and wife may be dissatisfied with each other, they generally -end in abusing their equitable mediator--reminding one of the old adage: - - He, who between man and wife interposes - Will get black eyes, and bloody noses. - - -[60] Referring to the Mortmain Acts. Wills supply the court with more -than two thirds of its victims. - -[61] Alluding to the present over-abundance of business which it would -take years to clear away, without the introduction of any new suits. -Even brutes refrain from swallowing what they are unable to digest. - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Court of Chancery: a satirical -poem., by Reginald James Blewitt - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COURT OF CHANCERY *** - -***** This file should be named 60957-0.txt or 60957-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/5/60957/ - -Produced by Chuck Greif, deaurider and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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