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diff --git a/old/60912-8.txt b/old/60912-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 66a4440..0000000 --- a/old/60912-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2672 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, On the Training of Parents, by Ernest Hamlin -Abbott - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - - -Title: On the Training of Parents - - -Author: Ernest Hamlin Abbott - - - -Release Date: December 13, 2019 [eBook #60912] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS*** - - -E-text prepared by MFR, Martin Pettit, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org) - - - -Note: Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - https://archive.org/details/ontrainingofpare00abborich - - - - - -ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS - -by - -ERNEST HAMLIN ABBOTT - - - "And they shall live with their children." - - -[Illustration: Logo] - - - - - - -Boston and New York -Houghton Mifflin Company -The Riverside Press Cambridge - -Copyright 1908 by Ernest Hamlin Abbott -All Rights Reserved - -Published April 1908 - -Tenth Impression - - - - - _No man has the right to dedicate to another what is not his own. - All that is mine in this little book is its infelicities. These - I dedicate to oblivion. The rest belongs to those two women from - whom I, as son and as husband, have learned all that I know of the - training of parents._ - - - - -CONTENTS - - - I. SPASM AND HABIT 1 - - II. THE WILL AND THE WAY 19 - -III. BY RULE OF WIT 40 - - IV. PEACE AT A PRICE 72 - - V. FOR 'TIS THEIR NATURE TO 93 - - VI. THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM 114 - - - - -ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS - - - - -I - -SPASM AND HABIT - - -A voice like a knife cut the still, warm air. "Now you just go right -down and get that canned salmon." I turned my head and saw a little -girl, in a fluffy dress with a skirt like a parachute, standing in the -midst of the long grass. She was evidently frightened and hesitating. -There was a whimper and a whining protest. A young woman in a wrapper, -with a menacing switch in her hand, was advancing. Her voice grew -sharper: "You do what I say, quick, or I'll whip you good!" The child -beat a retreat toward me; then timidly stood her ground. "It's so -far!" she wailed. The enemy again approached; but the little feet of -the child were nimble enough to keep her at a safe distance. "If you -don't hurry, I'll whip you anyway." Fear of the switch was evidently -mastering the dislike of the task. The little girl burst out crying, -turned down the dusty road, and disappeared in the direction of the -village. - -That incident was the result of government by collision. If that mother -had any principle at all, it might be expressed thus: Wait till the -child does wrong, then collide with her. Of course none of us would -deliberately collide in just this fashion. We should not be so vulgar. -When we have an altercation with a child, we choose less publicity and -have some regard for refinement of phrase. Perhaps, too, we ordinarily -avoid altercation entirely except concerning some grave matter. We -should prefer to do without canned salmon rather than exhibit our -impotence and our temper before the neighbors. When, however, we have -the child in seclusion at our mercy, are we deterred from trying the -collision method by any considerations of principle? If not, we belong -to the same school of parents as the young woman in a wrapper. The -only difference is that we have not her courage of conviction--or of -indolence. - -Now, those who believe in government by collision need read no further; -for I shall assume that such government is only just better than -no government at all, and that, if we fall into its methods, we do -so by accident or because of the frailty of our temper; that every -altercation with a child is a confession of weakness; and that our -principal task is to train ourselves so that we may be able to govern -a child without colliding with him. Of course, in the training of -children, as in managing a railway, it may sometimes be necessary to -occasion a disaster in order to avoid a great catastrophe. If a freight -car is running wild down a grade, it is better to throw it off the -track than to allow it to smash a loaded passenger train. So it may -sometimes be better to let a child collide with you, rather than have -him collide with the community. But in both cases it is better to have -the collision well planned, to recognize it as a disaster, though the -lesser of two possible ones, and, best of all, to prevent any occasion -of resorting to destructive measures. - -The only alternative I know to government by collision is government by -habit. To show what I mean, may I cite an instance in contrast to the -episode of the switch and the canned salmon? That same summer a small -boy, six years old, was playing with his blocks. His mother in the next -room suddenly realized that she had not ordered the fruit that was -needed for the household. "Max!" she called. Now Max is no prig, but -he had learned that he was expected to come when called; so, with an -injunction to his playmates not to disturb the bridge he was building, -he appeared at the doorway. "What is it?" (He ought to have said, "Yes, -mamma;" but, as I have remarked, Max is thoroughly human.) "I want -you to do an errand for me--something you've never done before. I want -you to go to the grocery and get six oranges." Max started off. "Wait -a moment. You've never gone alone on such a long errand before. Do you -believe you can do it quickly, and not dawdle?" Max thought he could, -and in fact did the errand as promptly as could be expected. He had -been accustomed to obedience; in addition, he had become accustomed to -accepting some measure of responsibility. The mother controlled him, -not by violence, but by habit. The occurrence was the result of a long -process, and became in turn a cause of future occurrences of similar -character. Reduced to its simplest terms, then, the process of training -children is the process of forming habits. - -The earliest habits are physical. The whole duty of man during the -first few weeks of his existence consists in feeding and sleeping -regularly; and most of the rights of man during that period consist in -being let alone. Listen to the eminent French psychologist, Th. Ribot: -"The new-born infant is a spinal being, with an unformed, diffluent -brain, composed largely of water. Reflex life itself is not complete in -him, and the cortico-motor system only hinted at; the sensory centres -are undifferentiated, the associational systems remain isolated, for -a long time after birth." Doesn't it make you shudder to think of -dandling such a creature as that on a hard-gaited knee? Does not that -"unformed, diffluent brain, composed largely of water," plead to be -let alone? Yet the impulse of most parents when they encounter their -new possession is to do something to it,--to take it up, to carry it -about, and, as soon as its eyes are really open, to try and show it -things, to evoke from it some kind of human expression. It seems as if -we were all beset by a doubt that our offspring is really a creature -of our own kind, and that we were bound to make it establish, by some -proof, its right to a place at the top of creation. Now, the instincts -of the infant are all in other directions. Yielding to these, the -mite seems to be utterly indifferent to the honors of its station -in animal life, and even to the attention it receives. It wants to -cry occasionally, to feed periodically, and to sleep a great deal. -And, in spite of our experience, we are wrong, and the diminutive -thing, with a cortico-motor system only hinted at, with sensory -centres undifferentiated, and with the extraordinary disadvantage of -having completely isolated associational centres, is right. The first -habits, therefore, which the parents have to form in the training of -their child are their own; and the most important of these is the -habit of non-interference, which is another name for the habit of -self-restraint. Fortunately, we parents can at the outset devote our -attention chiefly to this for several months. If we wish to avoid, -in later years, the necessity for resorting to government by spasm, -and to establish instead government by habit, we do not have to begin -by experimenting on a helpless child; we can begin, fortunately, by -experimenting on ourselves. - -It is during this period that we have the best chance of learning the -difference between governing children and interfering with them; for -though that midget will not thrive under interference, he will thrive -under government. He does not need to be told what to do, but he does -depend on us to teach him when to do it. While, therefore, we are -forming in ourselves the habit of non-interference, we are also forming -in him the habit of regularity. If we begin that way, we save both him -and ourselves a great deal of trouble. - -One mother, for instance, when she hears her baby cry, runs to him, -picks him up, dances him up and down, offers him food, dangles a bell -in front of him, talks to him, takes him to the window, tries every -imaginable device to quiet him. "It's wicked, I think," says she, "to -try to stifle my maternal instincts. The poor little dear! how could -I be so cruel as not to respond to his cry for me?" She is assuming -several things. She assumes, first, that the baby is crying for her, -whereas he is probably crying because he needs the exercise. That is -the only way he can expand his lungs. When he cries because of pain, -or anger, or nervous irritability, the cry will be unmistakable; -and the response ought to be, not a wild series of spasms, but an -intelligent treatment of the cause. She assumes, in the second place, -that the impulse to rid herself of the annoyance of hearing the cry is -a maternal instinct. If that were so, a lot of gruff old bachelors on -railway trains are frequently moved by maternal instinct. The maternal -instinct, in fact, is something quite different--it is the instinct of -care, watchfulness, nurture, and it does not call for spasms. In the -third place, she assumes that it would be cruel not to experiment with -her child--at least so it appears; for what she does is to try in quick -succession a series of experiments, no one of which is continued long -enough to be of any value, and all of which, as she might easily learn, -have been proved to be of no permanent value in producing placid, -contented babies. - -The other mother, when she hears the cry, listens. If it is a cry of -pain, she knows it in an instant. It is amazing how quickly a mother -learns that language. It is a mystery to most men, though even to -them not unsearchable. Physicians, after experience in children's -wards, understand it; and even a father, if he is patient, can -acquire a moderate knowledge of it. But a mother, or even a nurse, -if she is moved by a genuine maternal instinct and not by a selfish -desire for her own comfort, is almost an adept at the start. At the -cry of pain, that mother in a moment is looking for the misplaced -pin, or rearranging the irritating bit of clothing, or remedying the -uncomfortable position, or searching for a more hidden cause. If it -is a cry of irritability, she blames herself for having rocked the -child a few moments before, and steels herself against repeating the -indulgence. If it is a cry of hunger, she looks at the clock to see -if it is the hour for another feeding. If it is just "plain cry," -she smiles, for she knows that he is doing that in lieu of playing -baseball or riding horseback. When it is meal-time, she, exercising the -discretion which he is not always able to exercise for himself, gently -withdraws the food supply when he has had all that is good for him. And -when it is time for him to go to sleep, she arranges him comfortably in -his crib, darkens the room, and leaves him. If then he emits another -"plain cry," she is not disturbed. He has as much a right to cry as -he has to sleep. If she lets him go to sleep in her arms, for the love -of feeling him there, she will not complain later, when it is more -inconvenient, if he remonstrates against going to sleep in any other -way. She will know that in that respect, as in respect to his regular -feeding, she has governed him by habit. Either she will have to pay the -penalty of having established in her kingdom an inconvenient law, or -else she will have to inflict upon him, as well as herself, the penalty -of establishing later, and at greater cost, another and more convenient -custom which might just as well have been established in the first -place. This penalty may involve a collision--though possibly a mild -one. Even in that case, however, in the very difficulty of supplanting -an old custom by a new one, she will have evidence of the strength of -her government by habit. - -There is no reason why regularity once established should not become -for all future years a routine. We all know how hard it is to break up -a bad habit. Happily, it is just as hard to break up a good one. The -difference between the child who teases for every new variety of food -on the table, pushes away the dishes that are set before him, whines -when he is told it is bedtime, eats and goes to sleep only after much -coaxing, and the child who accepts his food and his hours for sleep -as a matter of course, as he accepts the house he lives in, is simply -the difference between a bad habit and a good one. It is no easier to -change the one habit than it is the other. After a child has learned -to get his food and go to bed with whining and teasing, it is very -difficult for him to learn to eat and sleep in any other fashion; it -is equally difficult for a child who has learned to eat and enjoy food -adapted to him, and to go to bed at a suitable hour, to understand -why all sorts of strange decoctions should be offered to him, and -why he should not get undressed when his bedtime comes. Of course -the spirit of adventure, which is strong in most normal children, -will lead them sometimes to sample some things that they see their -elders--or, for that matter, the animals--eating; and to race about -the halls, exploring the domain of the dark, after they are supposed -to be asleep; but even this spirit of adventure, which sometimes -brings discouragement to the mother, is a tribute to regular life; and -it is denied to those children whose whole life consists in a series -of parental experiments. The little lad who at a children's party -declines the sweetmeats is no angel. Nor is his companion, who grabs -the dainties an imp. They are both, like the rest of us, creatures -of habit. The theory of total depravity, by which our forefathers -explained the unpleasant doings of youngsters, is, I have concluded, a -doctrine which parents devised in order to shift the burden of their -own failures to the shoulders of their offspring. - -This practice of regularity in the physical care of children[1] will -lay the foundation, not only of health and contentment, but also -of moral discipline. When we have eliminated the opportunities for -collision with our children at meal-times and bedtime, we are well -on our way toward eliminating government by collision altogether. -The quiet exercise of authority involved in carrying out a simple -regimen of diet and of rest will almost automatically extend to other -matters. The most difficult part of this exercise of authority will be -overcome when the parent learns self-restraint. Not to run to a child -every time he cries is the beginning of learning not to yield to a -child every time he wants something. In many cases authority is thus -exercised by doing nothing. The mother, for example, has left the baby -creeping about alone in his nursery. She has left him a ball and two -or three blocks with which he can experiment, and another ball hanging -from a cord within his reach which he can swing to and fro. He is -learning that the ball is soft and can roll, that the blocks are hard -and cannot roll, and that the pendulum swings regularly. He is as well -occupied in his work as the mother is in hers. Suddenly she hears a cry -of vexation. If it continues, she steps to the door to see what has -happened. He has raised himself up by the window and is trying to reach -the tassel at the end of the cord on the window-shade, and finds it -above his outstretched hands. She might go to the window, draw down the -shade, and, holding it firm, let him play with the cord till he tires; -but she knows that it would be inconvenient to have him continually -playing with the window-shade in the house, and she does not want him -to begin. She might then take him up and distract his attention till -he forgets. But she knows that if she does this once, she will be -called upon to do it again. So she shakes her head and says "No," which -she has taught him to understand, and, after making sure that he is -in no danger of a fall, leaves him and returns to her work. By doing -nothing she has done what for the time being is the hardest thing. As -she closes the door she hears another wail of vexation, but she does -not interfere. She has exercised her authority simply by exercising -self-restraint. - -It all depends on what we want our children to be whether we employ -the method of spasm or the method of self-restraint. Of course those -of us who think pertness in a child is a virtue, who regard a fit -of teasing as "smart" or "cunning," who enjoy the exhilaration of -encountering a child as an adversary and breaking down his opposition, -can develop in children habitual pertness, teasing, and disobedience -with the utmost ease. It requires, however, no especial genius to -avoid these qualities. Other traits, it may be, require something like -genius--something at least beyond persistence and self-restraint--to -create; but to provide children with a contented acquiescence in a -regular life and an habitual disposition to obedience requires of the -parents no qualities of mind which are not common to all of us mortals. - -FOOTNOTE: - -[1] For directions in this matter I know of no book to compare with Dr. -L. Emmett Holt's _The Care and Feeding of Children_, published by D. -Appleton & Co. Intelligently followed by a mother, with due regard to -the individual peculiarities of the children under her care, the system -outlined in that volume will save the mother an enormous amount of -energy and worry and the child a great deal of injustice. It ought to -arrive in every household with the first-born baby, or, better, a few -weeks in advance. The physician who sees that it does, in every family -he attends, will win a wealth of gratitude and confidence. In my own -household it came that way. As a supplement, not a substitute, I also -recommend Dr. Emelyn L. Coolidge's _The Mother's Manual_ (A. S. Barnes -& Co.) - - - - -II - -THE WILL AND THE WAY - - -Parents regard their children with all sorts of feelings, with love -of course, with indulgence, with amusement, and even, so it is said, -with self-complacency and admiration; but it sometimes seems as if very -few regard them with respect. No one who respects another will lie to -him, or visit him with empty threats, or make to him vain promises; -yet fathers and mothers in all parts of the country are at this moment -lying to their children, threatening them with punishments they do not -mean to inflict, and making promises they do not intend to fulfill. -The faith of a child ought to be proverbial. It is the only substance -of things hoped for which many children ever get. I sometimes wonder -if it is really just to lay the Fifth Commandment upon all American -children. Somehow, there seems to be something reciprocal implied -in it. If that commandment is of universal application, it can be -considered so, I imagine, only on the ground that it states a duty -owed ultimately not to the parents but to the Almighty. Certainly that -parent who does not respect his children has no personal claim upon -their honor. - -What I mean by respect for a child I can perhaps explain best by an -instance. Marshall, aged seven, had yielded to temptation in the form -of a preserved pear. Instead of putting the temptation behind him, -he had put it within him; and he had been caught. The maternal court -decided that a fair equivalent for this pear was a week of desserts. -For two days the culprit sat inactive at the close of dinner while his -comrades ate with relish their portions of pudding. Then unexpectedly -came an invitation to dinner from a friend. On the return homeward an -aunt remarked, "I noticed that Marshall ate dessert with the others." -"Yes," replied his mother, "I think he must have forgotten. I noticed -it too, but I did not speak to him because there was no expectation of -this treat when the punishment was determined upon. Besides, I do not -think it would have been just to add to his punishment by humiliating -him before the others." - -In this case respect for the youthful Marshall meant, first, -attributing the failure to observe the rule to something besides -deliberate intent; second, recognizing that he was to be treated not -merely with severity, but also with justice; and, third, appreciating -the individuality of the child, which included special sensitiveness -to the attention and opinion of others. The very fact that Marshall -was accustomed to regularity of discipline, to invariableness in -punishment, and even to ridicule of vanity or silliness, made it -possible for his mother to do something that smacked of irregularity -and of variableness, and to save him from unnecessary abasement. -Just because she had a rule which she habitually followed, she could -break it. She could not have broken it if she had not had it. The -effectiveness of this act of omission lay in the very fact that it was -an exception. It was a case in which fairness to the boy depended upon -inconsistency. This only illustrates the truth that in dealing with a -child you may violate any principle so long as you keep your respect -for the child inviolate. And the secret of respect for a child lies in -regarding him as a human being. - -The limitation of the devotee of "child study," the scientific -investigator of "child nature," the observer of "the child mind," -is that he cannot regard a child as a human being. In other words, -his limitation consists in being too broad. He observes individuals -only for the sake of disregarding their individuality. He is busy -establishing some general laws of childhood. He must choose to know -nothing of children that he may know the Child. As soon as he begins -to respect an individual child he becomes personal and biased; and as -soon as he becomes personal and biased he ceases to be scientific. A -good mother, on the other hand, is good just because of her prejudices. -She knows so much about her child that her testimony is scientifically -worthless. In everything the child does she sees something he, and not -another child has done before; and she makes her judgments accordingly. -And it is just because her observations would be vicious in a table of -statistics that they are the best possible basis for conduct. In other -words, she is dealing, not with a subject, a cadaver, so to speak, that -can be classified, but with a live being that for her purposes belongs -in a class by himself. That is what I mean by respecting a child. - -It is here that the teacher and the parent are at odds. The teacher -is dealing with childhood, the parent is dealing with Dick-hood or -Mary-hood. The teacher is engaged chiefly in providing each child with -the equipment that belongs by right to all civilized children; the -parent, on the other hand, is bound to bring each child to his, and -not another's, highest development. The teacher is responsible for the -school or the class; the parent, for the boy or girl. The difference in -point of view makes the difference in duty. It was from the parental -point of view that the ancient sage wrote his proverb--"Train up a -child in the way he should go." He was not thinking of the way of -universal obligation, for what he really said was, "Train up a child -in the way he [that particular individual] is to go;" in other words, -prepare him for the kind of life for which he is fitted. In order -to do this, one must have regard for that child's temperament, his -distinctive traits. - -The severest test of our respect for a child comes when we find his -will conflicting with ours. It is easy enough to overbear a child's -will; it is difficult to educate it. The hardest task of a parent is -to retain respect for a child while administering a spanking. It is -easy to roll out the cant saying, "I spank you because I love you," but -it is very difficult to bring one's self into that frame of mind in -which it would be the mere truth to say, "I spank you because I respect -you." Anybody, by simply being persistent, can thwart a child; and any -one with the ordinary strength of an adult can beat him; but no one who -is unwilling to do him the courtesy of regarding him as an individual -can master and direct a child, or really punish him. - -Not long ago I was traveling in a day coach. In front of me were a -man, a woman, and a small boy of about five years. The woman was the -dominant member of the group. Her face, with its thin, compressed -lips and its hard gray eyes, had a look of indolent selfishness with -a suggestion of latent high temper. The man seemed rather dull, weak, -and unhappy. The boy had the rotund, insensitive countenance of his -father; but he had not yet lost interest in life. He was no more -restless than a boy of his age ought to be. When his mother found -his movements disturbing, she darted a rebuke at him. For the moment -he sat still or moved out of the way. Finally he edged out into the -aisle. The woman made a pretense of ordering him back into the seat. -The boy, evidently realizing that his mother, since she was now put to -no inconvenience by him, had no intention of enforcing her command, -remained passively where he was. When his mother's attention was -distracted, he made use of his freedom to get a little mild gymnastic -exercise. The train as it drew up to a station jerkily stopped. The -lurch of the car threw the boy backward on the floor. Stunned for but -an instant, the little lad sent forth a wail. Some of the passengers -turned around; others started forward to the child. The woman was -obviously annoyed by the disturbance. Before the father had fairly -picked him up, she seized the child, roughly brushed off his clothes, -and set him violently down on the seat. "You're a bad boy." She spat -the words out at him and shook him. She turned to her husband: "I told -him not to stand there." The man was silenced before his dull wits -allowed him the chance to speak. "Now," to the boy, "stop your crying." -The youngster could not repress his sobs; he was still somewhat dazed. -The man gently rubbed the back of the lad's head. The woman glanced at -the spectators. She must have noticed that her method of avoiding a -scene was not altogether successful. She leaned toward the boy. "Did -you hurt yourself?" she asked, and took him into her lap. He let his -head fall indifferently on the woman's shoulder. Her tardy and rather -formal caresses aroused no response. She put him back on the seat, less -ungently than before. "Now will you be good?" - -If any but the fool is ever tempted to doubt the existence of God, -it is when he reflects that children are intrusted to the mercy of -such women as this. None of us is of her breed. We do not like her -coarseness. We should never allow ourselves to make the mistake she -made--of being found out. She was too frank with her emotions. She had -not the skill to conceal the springs of her conduct. What difference, -at bottom, however, is there between her and us when we are governed, -in disciplining a child, by the degree of our own displeasure? Every -one of us has been, on occasions, at heart as incompetent as this -vulgar female. We have all of us judged children, at one time and -another, by their conformity to our will. A very good woman it was, -of the straitest New England doctrines, who sent a boy supperless to -bed because, while putting on his overcoat, he accidentally toppled -over and smashed a prized vase. That boy is now a man gray with years -and laden with honors; but to this day he has not forgotten the fact -that he was made to suffer, not for his own fault, but for his aunt's -disappointment. - -The only thing that will free us from the futile way of the ogreish -woman on the railway car and the austere Puritan lady is an abiding -respect for our children. This will save us from attributing to our -children our own willfulness! To be authoritative with children -is something else besides being opinionated. The opinionated may -compel obedience; but only the authoritative secure it. And even the -opinionated find obedience not easy of compulsion. When caprice assumes -command, I have a sly conviction that disobedience becomes a virtue. -Preliminary to teaching children how to obey is the process of learning -how to command. When a child is intransigent, it is worth while to -consider whether it is not he that is administering a rebuke. - -Sometimes resistance to even rightful authority is not as depraved as -we, who do not fancy being resisted, delude ourselves into thinking. -There comes the time when any child will exult at the discovery that -he is a being apart. He naturally wants to measure his will, and his -mother's or his father's will is the handiest standard of comparison. -A test of that sort is sometimes disconcerting. A five-year-old, too -much given to sliding down from his chair at meal-time, was warned -by his father that whenever in the future he should leave his chair, -he should not be allowed to return to the table. Soon afterwards the -boy disappeared from his place. He had evidently renewed his slippery -ways, and had made up his mind to lurk beneath the table and await -results. Intent upon the enforcement of the decree, his father said -sternly, "You may be excused." Forthwith a head of tousled hair was -thrust above the level of the table. "But I didn't leave my chair." -Sure enough, there he lay prone across the seat, like a bag of meal -on an ass's back. His father had to find what scant refuge he could in -the permissive form of his sentence of dismissal. The lad's wits had -won a victory for his will. Those who enter such an engagement without -reconnoitring must accept the risk, and, if they wish to preserve the -advantage of a commanding position, must abide by the results of any -such skirmish. To turn it into a battle of wills is to commit the -blunder of underestimating their opponent's strength. A child's will is -not a fragile thing. It is not "broken" when it is overcome by another -will reinforced by physical strength. An old lady of Maine, now gone to -her own place,--which I venture to say is not far from that of Luther -and Knox and Jonathan Edwards,--once told me how, when a small girl, -she had had her will broken; she recounted the passionate resistance, -the screaming protestation, the convulsive and futile rage exhausted -only by hours of kicking and pounding the floor, and her final -capitulation, announced by her picking up the toy which, in defiance -of her father's order, she had at first refused to touch. She gloried -in this Spartan training, and deplored the lack of it in the present -degenerate generation. It was this same old lady, with the "broken" -will, who, rejecting all advances, stanchly maintained her side in a -family feud to, I believe, her dying day. Her will, it is plain, had -not even been cracked; it showed not so much as a suture; neither had -it been trained. The only treatment it had received had been one of -contumely. The old lady was not exactly to blame for the outcome. - -If we respect a child's will, we shall give it a chance to operate. We -do not thereby surrender a pea's weight of authority. A certain young -mother, let us say, believes that there is a sort of unselfishness -that has no part in love: she will not relieve her children of effort -and responsibility. One of her brood, a lad of seven, with a touch -of dreaminess in his mobile face, with impatience of the material -restraints of time and space, with a will of his own that is the harder -to direct because it is seldom aggressive, is engaged in propelling a -vast tow of block barges along the river that winds across the nursery -floor. Of his companions, one is umpiring a game of football between -teams of leaden soldiers, and the other is constructing a fearsome -dungeon ten blocks deep. At the door appears Authority. "It is now four -o'clock," she announces. "At a quarter past four I want to have all the -blocks and toys put away." The football umpire and the dungeon-builder, -sniffing a prospective treat, bring their operations to an abrupt -close. The lad of dreams listens abstractedly, and then turns with -great puffing and snorting to his labors of navigation. Inattention? -Partly; but partly, too, a deliberate choice of present pleasure and -a willful rejection of the words of authority. Ten, eleven, twelve -minutes pass. Again sounds the authoritative voice. "In three minutes -it will be a quarter past four. I shall want you then to begin to wash -and dress for a drive. Eric, I am afraid you won't be able to go with -us; your blocks are not put away." She might, of course, justly tell -him then and there that he will not be allowed to go; she chooses, -however, the better way, and lets him wrestle with the situation. -"You had better not stop to cry," she warns him; "there is no time to -waste." In fractious misery he hurriedly begins his belated task. His -will, so far from being broken or weakened, is actually stiffened; but -it is now enlisted on the side of authority. The others--not a whit -more virtuous, by the way, but only more sagacious--are half dressed -before he has put his blocks in order. If he fails to overtake them, he -will stand disconsolate, abject, perhaps tempestuous, and watch them -depart. He has had his way, but he has won no victory; he has simply -learned the cost of willfulness. If he succeeds in overtaking them, he -will not have lost his lesson. His mother, it is true, will not exactly -have had her way; but she reckons that no loss, as her way was not her -end; she will have enlisted his will. The victory which the boy will -have won is not over her. The only antagonist he has had is himself. -Because of her respect for him, he will now have a new respect for -himself and for her. He is on the road to acquiring the will to obey. - -If it had been one of the other two who had disobeyed, her course -might have been different. A sullen, recalcitrant will, open-eyed, -calculating, defiant, might easily suggest a different treatment. "You -have chosen your leaden soldiers; now leaden soldiers it shall be. -Since you did not make your duty your choice, then I shall arrange -matters so that your choice shall be your duty. Nothing but leaden -soldiers till we return." Such a variation in the treatment of -children smacks not in the least of partiality. It simply means that -respect for the child has involved respect for his individuality. The -maxim, Let the punishment fit the crime, may express a principle of -action useful for the government of a State or of a school; but for -the purposes of the home it should be altered so as to read, Let the -punishment fit the child. - -This ought to be the answer whenever that question arises that still -serves the purpose of discussion in the correspondence columns of the -newspapers, Is corporal punishment defensible? The conventional answer -nowadays is, No. This is supposed to betoken the benignant mind. Any -other answer nowadays classifies one as an autocratic brute. It seems -to be assumed that corporal punishment must necessarily be administered -in the jaunty spirit of the Chinese proverb which runs: "A cloudy -day--leisure to beat the children." Real tenderness of heart, so -runs the accepted modern doctrine, forbids the infliction of physical -pain. In all these discussions, however, one consideration seems to be -ignored--a decent respect for children. To one who is governed by this -consideration, there is only one answer to the question, Do you believe -in spanking a child? That answer is comprised in another question, What -child? It is not necessary to go as far as Menander, who declared, "He -who is not flogged is not educated," to be convinced that a good many -children have been deprived of their rights because they have never -been spanked. - -There was once a little girl who could never forget the indignity -she suffered in a spanking she had received. She grew up with her -mind resolutely set against all corporal punishment. In the course of -time she was married and had two children. With one of them she had -no problems of discipline; but with the other, a daughter, she had -problems that taxed her wits to the utmost. At times the little girl -seemed verily possessed. At last, in desperation, this harassed mother, -driven into recreancy to her own principle, resorted to the form of -chastisement she had forsworn. The effect was instantaneous. The child -was relieved, as it were, from herself. With some temperaments in some -moods the rod is like the wand of a magician. The childish petulance, -the outburst of temper, the streak of almost malicious perversity, is -but the child's way of expressing his quarrel with himself; and when -the sharp physical pain comes, it seems to announce the subjugation of -an enemy. In a household there are three children. One, sensitive to -physical pain, shrivels and warps at the very prospect of it; a second -is deterred from no act by the fear of it, and is altered not a whit by -the memory of it; the third seems to find in it the comforting sense -of being mastered at those times when he is out of sorts with himself, -and responds to it with renewed affection and restored sweetness of -temper. For the mother of that trio academic discussions on corporal -punishment are not only uninteresting--they are positively irritating. -She has paid her children the decent respect of considering their -temperaments. - - - - -III - -BY RULE OF WIT - - -At a dinner-table one evening, a man who was interested in his own -children stated a rule by which he made sure that no child of his would -disobey him. The rule is infallible. He remarked to his companion:-- - -"I never give a command to my children." - -"What do you do?" he was asked. - -"I tell them stories." - -That expresses a perfectly intelligible policy: Abdicate, and you will -never have a disobedient child. You will also never have an obedient -one. The fact that the man who made this statement was an Anarchist -explains his theory. He regarded obedience not as a virtue, but as -a defect. He was altogether consistent. A disbeliever in government -for society, he declined to establish any government for his family. -In place of government, however, he at least took pains to establish -something else. This was a systematic appeal to the child's imagination. - -If one had to choose between government and influence over -children through the imagination, there might be some reason for -discarding government. As a matter of fact, however, the use of the -imagination, so far from being antagonistic to effective government, -is indispensable to it. The reason why we parents so often fail in -securing obedience, and, what is more important still, in developing -in our children the spirit of obedience, is that we are deficient in -imagination--or at least that what imagination we have is untrained. - -In this faculty in which we are weak, children are strong. A little -four-year-old I know, in making letters for his own amusement, -frequently attaches arms and legs to them; it is his way of -pictorially representing the animation he ascribes to them. Indeed, -he sometimes goes so far as to transfer in mind these limbs to the -object which the letters spell. Thus, he laboriously prints the letters -P-I-G, adds to each letter a lively pair of legs, and exclaims: "See, -the pig is running!" Mental processes like that, complicated though it -is, are common with children. A child left alone in the nursery with -his blocks will find them transformed into trains, steamboats, people, -trees, animals, whatever he wills. In this picturesque form imagination -may be called fancy; but it has many other phases. Imagination is an -element in memory. Ability to recall a sound requires imagination. -When, for instance, a child repeats a word he has heard some one use, -his imagination has enabled him to summon up the sound of that word. -Imagination is an element in emulation. When a child is trying to outdo -another, or outdo his own past performances, he has to picture to his -mind what he or his competitor has done and what the desirable outcome -of the struggle would be. Imagination is an element even in fear and -hope. When a child dreads a punishment or eagerly awaits a reward, it -is his imagination that gives him the power to anticipate. - -Like every other instinct, imagination needs training. We all carry -about with us a menagerie of instincts. Some of them have been -ill-treated. In what a pitiable shape is the dyspeptic's food instinct! -It has died of over-indulgence, and its corpse mocks him at every -meal. The instinct of fighting has been given a bad name, and in many -a well-conducted menagerie is kept chained; but it has been known to -survive the most rigorous repression, and to spring out with most -abounding vitality in the midst of a meeting on behalf of peace. We -have learned to avoid those people whose instinct of curiosity is -not bridle-wise; and we all have recourse at times to those who -have nourished, groomed, and trained their play instinct. The fact -is, that the process of education consists largely in transforming -these instincts of ours, which in their original state are wild and -unmanageable, into domesticated and useful habits. - -Now, imagination is a vigorous beast. Its youthful antics are very -picturesque and amusing; it is sometimes whimsical and troublesome; but -it can be made of the greatest service. Indeed, for all kinds of work, -I know of no species of instinct which I would more highly recommend. -As a draught animal it is indefatigable; and nothing else can take its -place for pleasure-driving. Yet I have heard of a private school for -young women from which all fairy books are excluded, on the ground -that a girl's imagination needs repression. Like some other instincts, -imagination cannot be altogether repressed, though it can be tamed and -guided. If it is left boxed up and wild, it is apt to break out and -take a canter through dangerous regions. Since, then, we cannot take a -child's imagination from him, and we run into peril if we neglect it, -the profitable course is to show him how to break it to harness and -make it serve him. - -We cannot do this, however, unless we have paid some attention to the -training of our own imagination. As a wild young colt will trot about -beside its dam, so a child's imagination will readily follow that of an -older person. But the two must be at least in the same lot. If we are -going to appeal to a child's imagination in teaching him how to obey, -we must exercise some imagination in giving commands. We thus come -upon that recurrent principle that the chief task in the training of -children is the training of ourselves. - -That imagination may be used in maintaining strictness of discipline -seems to some to be almost a contradiction in terms. It seems like -invoking an imp of dreams to assist in adding up a column of figures. -In many minds imagination suggests dreaminess, wool-gathering, -waywardness, irresponsibility. That is one reason why we parents who -like to be obeyed, who are inclined to believe that it is a virtue -to be dictatorial, and who sometimes confuse our own will with the -immutable principles of righteousness, so often fall into error. -To a child there is nothing more serious, nothing more real and -regular, than the products of his imagination, and nothing more vague, -whimsical, irregular, than the unexplained orders which he receives -from grown people. If we wish to impress a child with the seriousness -and reality of our authority, we had better put our imagination into -condition. - -There were two small boys in a town of the Middle West. Active, -spirited, mischievous, and in other respects healthy, these two -tads--the younger about four years old, I believe--gave their father -and mother much concern. One day an old drill-sergeant established -in the neighborhood a class for boys, and in a short time received -these two as pupils. The transformation was sudden. The boys were -soldiers. Happily, their mother was imaginative. They were therefore -soldiers not merely in the class, but also at home. The standards of -conduct put before them, the punishments dealt out to them, and the -rewards bestowed upon them were such as befitted defenders of the -home. Obedience, promptness, chivalry, order, courage, regularity, -honor, truthfulness, were not unreasonable qualities to expect from -such as they. When one of these warriors was absent without leave -for the greater part of a day--in other words, ran away--it was not -inappropriate that he should be kept in solitary confinement on -short rations. The discipline meted out to those youngsters was, -from any point of view, severe. Even corporal punishment, which, as -ordinarily applied, is crudely devoid of the imaginative element, -became measurably glorified; it was a part of the hardship which they -were called upon to endure as good soldiers. Of course this régime -was accompanied with plenty of instruction in military traditions -and practices. A constant visitor to that household has found in the -manliness and good breeding of these children a source of amazed -gratification. In another family, who had no access to a drill-sergeant -with a streak of poetry, a somewhat different method has been in vogue. -The boys in that family do not belong, as it were, to the regular -army, but rather to the militia. They are not always under a military -régime, but are liable to a summons at any time. When they hear the -command, "Fall in," they know they are expected to stand in line and -await orders. In the absence of their parents, they know that the older -person left in charge is their commanding officer; and upon their -parents' return they know that they will be called upon to fall into -line, salute, and report to their father. Each is supposed to report -any infraction of discipline which he himself--not his comrades--has -committed. No punishment is administered as a result of such report, -except for deliberate concealment. Each also reports some especial -pleasure he has had. A good report is followed by formal and official -congratulation. A reminder in the form of a sign, marked "Remember -the Report," and placed in a conspicuous position in the nursery, has -helped to train and direct their imagination. Since the report includes -a record of enjoyments as well as of offenses, this reminder is not so -threatening as to many people it would seem. Indeed, the proposal that -such a sign be used met with instant approval from the young militiamen. - -Those who object to tin soldiers as toys will have little patience with -this metamorphosis of real children into creatures of militarism. -Very well, let them be monks instead, or members of a labor union, or -railway employees, or idealized legislators, or even honest policemen, -anything that will not put too great a strain on the imagination--of -the adults. The point is simply that the exercise of the strictest -authority over children is compatible with the most lavish use of the -imagination. - -There is nothing necessarily soft or flabby about the imaginative life. -There is no special reason why little children should be afflicted -with continual talk about the dear little birdies or the sweet little -flowers. Indeed, the natural taste of children seems to be attracted in -the opposite direction. One small boy, when he inquired about a bloody -Bible picture, and was put off with the explanation that it was not a -pleasant story, expressed the views of many of his age when, looking up -angelically, he exclaimed with ecstasy, "I like to hear about horrid -things." - -Even the rod can, as I have suggested, be used imaginatively. A small -boy who is well acquainted with the story of the Israelites in Egypt -has invoked its aid. He is not overburdened with a sense of moral -responsibility. One day, when he was dawdling over his task of changing -his shoes and stockings, it was suggested that his father be an -Egyptian and he be an Israelitish slave. He joyfully acquiesced. His -father took the tip of a bamboo fishing-rod as badge of authority and -stood by. In a few moments the boy was dawdling. A slight rap over the -shins recalled him to his duty. There was no complaint; for he knew it -was the business of the overseer to keep the slave at his task. His -shoes and stockings were changed in a very much shorter time than was -customary; and he contemplated his finished work with satisfaction. A -few days later, when he had a similar task to perform, he proposed of -his own accord a repetition of the performance; and carried out his -part with spirit. When we adults remember how much we rely upon some -outside stimulus to keep us at our work--the need of money, the esteem -of our neighbors, the fear of disease, the mandate of the law--we -ought to be able to understand the reason why such an appeal to the -imagination as this acted as a reinforcement of the boy's will, and -therefore, by very reason of its disciplinary character, was actually -welcomed. - -Two other boys similarly acquainted with the experiences of Israel in -Egypt contrived an application of one of those experiences to their -own case. They had several times been thrilled by the account of the -exciting race between the Israelites and the Egyptians to the Red Sea, -and had repeatedly found relief in the safe arrival of the Israelites -on the other side and the literally overwhelming defeat of the cruel -army of Pharaoh. One evening their mother was engaged in washing -the supper dishes, and they were engaged, as usual, in helping her -by wiping the silver. On several occasions they had been so little -intent on their work that their mother had finished all the washing -and had wiped the china and glassware before they had wiped and put -away the silver. This evening one of them suddenly became seized with -a fancy. His mother was the Egyptian army and he and his comrade were -the host of Israel. When the last fork had rattled into its place and -the silver-drawer was shut, what a shout of joy arose! The Egyptians -had been outdistanced; the Israelites were safe. After that, when there -were signs of inattention, the warning cry, "The Egyptians are coming!" -would rouse them into instant and happy action. Now those children -usually do this work rapidly. They have formed in themselves a valuable -habit. - -That was not a device. It was the exemplification of a principle. A -habit, I suppose, can be beaten into a child; but it is more lasting -as well as more wholesome if it has been created, in part at least, by -the child's own will; and it is the imagination, charged as it is with -feeling, which can most surely summon the will into activity. - -The difference between ignoring this principle and recognizing it may -be illustrated by contrasting two concrete instances. In the one case -the mother appears at the nursery door. - -"Look at this room!" she exclaims; "it is very untidy." She thus puts -the brand of disapproval upon disorder. "All the blocks and toys must -be put away and you must be all washed for supper by six o'clock; and -you have so much to do, you must begin at once." - -"But I want to build this house." - -"No; you must begin now." This is for the purpose, the mother explains -to herself, of preparing the child to meet the harsh demands of an -unfeeling world. - -She notes that the child begins listlessly to pick up some of the -scattered blocks, one by one, and drop them into the box where they -are kept. After an absence of several minutes she returns. She sees -but little change, although the child is hastily putting some toys -away. She is aware, however, that this activity started only when her -footfall sounded in the hall. - -"If those things are not all in their places on time, I shall have to -punish you." - -The mother is vexed, the child is unhappy and rebellious. A daily -experience of this sort may result finally in some kind of habit in -the child; but only at great cost of effort to the mother, and at the -sacrifice of much of the normal relationship between the two. - -Another mother appears at the door of the nursery. - -"In five minutes it will be time to begin to put away the blocks -and toys," she announces, thus giving some time for the builder to -complete operations. Then she asks, "What are you going to be this -evening?" - -"I think I'll be Michael bringing the wood to the wood-box for the -fire." - -In five minutes she calls: "Michael, I want all the wood put into the -wood-box." - -The builder is now transformed for the time being into Michael. He has -seen the lusty Irishman carry great armfuls of wood, and his own frail -arms assume new dignity. He gathers the blocks by the dozen, and as he -lets them fall, kerplunk, into the box, he sees great logs falling into -place. In a few moments his mother reappears. - -"You have been working hard, Michael, haven't you? I think you will -have the wood in its place in plenty of time. How much better the room -looks without those logs of wood lying all about! You can carry a good -many logs at once, can't you?" - -Repeated every day, this process will inevitably develop into a habit -of orderliness. The regularity of the process is not in the least -impaired by the fact that one evening it assumes the form of stacking -up firewood, another evening of bringing in bags of coal to the cellar, -another evening of loading merchandise on to a vessel. It is the same -will that directs Michael, and the coal man, and the stevedore, and it -is the same brain that receives the repeated impression of promptness -and good order. In each case, whether it is Michael, or the coal man, -or the stevedore, the workman is doing his task under orders; he is -subject to authority. And if Michael, or the coal man, or the stevedore -fails to do his duty, it is not inappropriate that he should suffer -a penalty. Of course it will be more effective if the penalty can be -made suitable to the character. Whether it is made suitable or not -will depend largely upon the imagination of the person in authority. -As a rule, however, the spirit of such a process as that which I have -illustrated is less that of discipline than of instruction, or perhaps -more accurately, the spirit of discipline through instruction. It -is, in fact, just because instruction plays so large a part in the -government of children that those in authority need to have constant -recourse to their imagination. - -Deficiency in imagination is exhibited by parents not merely in their -relation to their children, but quite as frequently in the relation -between husband and wife. Criticism of the one by the other in the -presence of the children can be accounted for, as a rule, only by a -defective imagination. If the critic could be put for a moment in -the place of the child who has heard the reproof, he would be amazed -at discovering how he had weakened not only the mother's authority, -but also his own. In a certain household, let us say, the mother is -strongly of the opinion that it is injurious for the children to eat -anything between meals; the father, however, scouts the idea, and -actually keeps, in his pocket, sweetmeats for which he invites the -children to search. If he had imagination enough to look into his -own children's minds, he would be mortified at what he would see. -Parents at cross-purposes are simply exhibiting their own stupidity. -Without imagination, therefore, there can be only the most ineffective -government in the family. - -It is surprising, on the other hand, how the exercise of the -imagination will clear away many perplexing difficulties in discipline; -for in the light of the imagination many of these difficulties are seen -to be problems in moral instruction. Let me illustrate. - -The boys whom I have already described as militiamen were left by their -parents, for a day, in charge of a competent nurse. When they were -called upon to report in the customary military fashion concerning -their behavior, they all confessed to certain offenses involving the -marring of property. - -"Would you have done that if mamma or I had been there?" their father -asked. - -"No," was the reply. - -"Then you sneaked on us." - -That word "sneaked" was apparently new to them; it upset their gravity. -The entire company, including the commander, was soon convulsed. What -could be done? The case could not be allowed to end thus. Finally, -after some degree of order was restored, the commander proposed that -they all take turns in sneaking on one another. The plan which was -accepted with enthusiasm was this: Two of the boys were to leave the -room; then the third, in their absence, was to find some precious -possession of each of the two and destroy it. No sooner, however, -were the victims in another room than they raised a vigorous protest. -As this was to be not a punishment but an experiment, the protest -was heeded. The tables were turned; one of the victims was appointed -executioner, and the executioner took the place of victim. After -several trials it was proved that nobody wished to have his property -destroyed. They thus learned that, however much fun it was to sneak -on some one else, they did not wish any one else to sneak on them. -Although they agreed, too, that if each had a turn there would be -nothing unfair, they were all unwilling to lose precious possessions -even for the fun of playing an underhand trick. By this time one of the -boys had decided that all sneaking "was bad." It was then proposed to -the other two that their father go out, and that they should sneak on -him. This seemed to be a solution. They would have the fun and suffer -none of the loss. When they had committed themselves to this opinion, -their father called their attention to the fact that he had already -had his turn at being victim, and that now it was only fair that he -should have his turn at being executioner. There was no escape. At the -very moment when they were looking for all the gain and none of the -loss, they were confronted with the prospect of suffering, perfectly -justly, all of the loss and having none of the gain. By that time the -word "sneak" conveyed an idea that was quite the opposite of humorous, -and they were in position to appreciate their father's repudiation of -any intention to act as a sneak. It was necessary for them to travel -a long and roundabout way before they reached the point at which they -could genuinely disapprove what they themselves had done. In the frame -of mind in which at first they had been, punishment would have been -meaningless; it would have signified nothing more than that an older -person was vexed at something, and that they had to bear the ill -effects of the vexation. What they needed primarily was not discipline -but instruction. Incidentally, it may be added, they had a good deal -of discipline in the process. - -We are likely to forget that moral distinctions are not instinctive, -but are the product of experience. The capacity to distinguish between -the good and the evil is, we may all agree, inherent; but ability in -deciding what acts belong in the category of the good and what in -the category of the evil is acquired. There is no magic voice within -a little child informing him what a lie is and warning him that it -is evil. It is not enough, moreover, to tell a child over and over -again that lying is wrong; it is equally necessary to instruct him -so that he will recognize a lie when he encounters it. The knack of -recognizing the difference between truth and falsehood is like the -knack of recognizing the difference between edible and poisonous -mushrooms. It comes only after careful instruction and long practice, -and it is not as easy as it seems. Is "Alice in Wonderland" falsehood? -Are the statements in Stevenson's "Child's Garden of Verses" true? I -believe I could set an examination in the subject, asking for reasons -for the answers, which a good many parents could not satisfactorily -pass. A child who habitually lies may be consciously doing wrong; but -it is also possible that he has been simply ill-taught, or is not old -enough to be taught at all in this subject. In order to reach a child's -mind for the purpose of enabling him to see the difference between a -lie and the truth, we must have imagination enough to put ourselves -in the child's place sufficiently to find out what his conception of -the truth is. It is easy to assume that a child is lying when he is -merely experimenting with language, or is desiring to please, or is -playing with his fancies. If we want children to understand us, we -must exercise enough imagination to understand them. After we have -established some basis of mutual understanding, we can feel free to -proceed with rigorous discipline. - -I hope I shall not be misunderstood. It is not necessary that a child -should understand the reason for a command before he obeys. Obedience -first and reasons afterwards is a good rule, and one that may even -prevent disasters. It is necessary, however, that a child should -understand what it is he is commanded to do or not to do. It requires -some imagination to ascertain whether the child understands this or not. - -Instruction in manners, like instruction in morals, requires the use of -the imagination. The adult who is receiving his first lesson in golf -ought to be able to understand why a child has difficulty in properly -holding his spoon; the difference between a niblick and a stymie is not -nearly so hard to learn as the difference between "Please" and "Thank -you." Manners are more arbitrary than the technical terms of a game -or a calling. Why it should be wrong but not naughty to eat with your -knife or to sing at the table, children do not readily see. - -As with regard to morals and manners, so with regard to all that a -child has to learn, instruction is best coupled with imagination. A -generation ago my grandfather wrote a book. Its tide seems to attach it -to a long bygone age. It is called "Gentle Measures in the Management -and Training of the Young."[2] I know of no book which in spirit or in -principles is more modern. I do not think its substance will ever be -antiquated. It was through no fault or merit of mine that the author of -this book was my grandfather; so I can see no reason why I should not -be as free as any one else might be in expressing the wish that every -parent who has some interest in the training of children might not only -possess a copy, but also read it studiously. His words, with their -touch of quaintness, concerning the use of imagination in the teaching -of children were but the transcript of the principles which he had -established by use and found practicable. - -Are the children restive or boisterous? Do they talk incessantly -and nonsensically? A little imagination will suggest what should be -done with them. They are steam engines under full head of steam. If -you do not wish to starve them into lassitude, set their activity to -work in some direction that will not be troublesome. Has one of the -children pinched his hand in the door or bumped his head? Summon up -your imagination. He is a man who has met with an accident; call the -ambulance, which comes in the form of a two-legged creature, to carry -him to the hospital, which to grown-up eyes looks amazingly like the -couch in the sewing-room; give him some medicine out of a bottle, -which has the appearance of a shoe-horn. Is there an altercation in -the nursery? Let there be a court established, and the issue heard and -decided in due form. No retinue of servants can work such wonders as a -moderately alert imagination. - -If we parents have allowed our own imaginations to become atrophied -through disuse, so that we are incapacitated from sharing in the -most vivid part of our children's world, there is at least one thing -we can do; we can restrain our natural impulse to interfere with -our children's imagination. For a generous portion of every day we -can leave our children alone. We are, of course, useful to them in -emergencies, but ordinarily we prosy folk are in their way. What a -nuisance we are when we impose upon an imaginative child that horror -known as a mechanical toy! The nodding mandarin is so insistently a -mandarin that no child with a healthy imagination can respect it. -Off with its head! it then can conceivably be the pillar of a house, -or a chimney for a steamboat. Large flat wooden dolls that come in a -game-set have been known to serve admirably as roofs for block houses. -Shall we allow the children to abuse their toys in this wise? exclaims -the prosaic adult. The children might well reply, Must we be forced -to lose our real world and to live in a commonplace, unreal world like -yours? Elaborate dolls, complicated mechanisms, elegant playthings, -may gratify the vanity of an adult, and even whet the curiosity of -the growing boy and girl, but will not take the place of real toys -like blocks of wood and spools and marbles. If we must nag him at -other times, at least in his play let us leave the child alone with -his imagination and the materials which his imagination can best use. -If we are nonplussed by the enjoyment which a child finds in such -simple things, it is because we have not the imagination to perceive -that these very same simple things are the most capable of varied -transformation. - -Like those complicated toys which are made merely because the adults, -who have the money, buy them, some kindergartens are engines of -destruction. The play instinct, which psychologists kindly explain is -simply the instinct for self-directed activity, is in mortal peril from -people who are always for supervising children's games. Controlling -the play of children is really attempting the impossible. As soon as -it is controlled from the outside, play ceases to be play. If some one -else directs the child, he ceases to be self-directed. Play is not -mere recreation; it is sometimes very serious business. What makes -it play is that it is not done under orders. And real play requires -imagination. We parents can spoil our children by confining them to -the artificial things we enjoy in lieu of our own minds. If we wish -to amuse ourselves, we can do so for a time by spoiling our children. -But if we wish them to enjoy life, as well as to grow strong in body -and mind and character, we will not tempt them by the spices, the -mechanisms, the artifices of our world, but will leave them as much -as possible to wander and play and work unmolested in the world of -simple things. Simple food, simple occupations, simple toys, simple -surroundings--at least such we call them; in fact, there are no riches -like them to the child--or the adult for that matter--who has not -been robbed of his imagination. If we have lost ours, and must go -about our task of instruction and discipline in the unreal way of the -dry-as-dust, we can at least leave the child his. That is possible for -the dullest of us. - -FOOTNOTE: - -[2] By Jacob Abbott. (Harper and Brothers.) - - - - -IV - -PEACE AT A PRICE - - -Advice to wives usually begins with this sort of exhortation: When your -husband returns from the office, greet him smilingly; exile from your -face the traitorous lines of care, imprison in the silences of your -mind the petty vexing trials of the day, dismiss to their own quarters -the evidences of housework. Your husband's home is his castle; when -he takes refuge there in flight from his enemies, the cares of his -vocation, do not confront him with your own. We are all familiar with -this strain. It sounds well. But, after all, the lord's castle is his -lady's battlefield. If she is a very fine lady indeed, she may not have -engaged in any personal encounters. If her resources and disposition -permit, she may hire mercenaries to do her fighting for her. In that -case her battles have been sham battles, and she has no relic of -carnage to hide. If, however, she is not one of those who regard one -child as a nuisance and two as an intolerable burden, and therefore -prefers to conduct the campaign of their training herself, she can -hardly be sure of turning nightly the battlefield of that home into the -semblance of an impregnable castle. The fact is, any woman who regards -motherhood as a vocation quite as worthy of respect as yelling on the -Stock Exchange (and that I believe is a very, very respectable vocation -indeed) will find it a serious drain on her physical and nervous -resources. - -However much a woman may court martyrdom, I never heard of one who -deliberately invited vexation of spirit. She may find a genuine -happiness in the weariness she has incurred for the sake of some great -object; but she finds no happiness in the annoyances she encounters -purposelessly. Now, it is just these vexations, these annoyances, -which it is a part of her vocation to avoid. So far from being an -incident of motherhood, they are an impediment. - -Most of these annoyances, these vexations, with which a mother has -to contend, come from a maladjustment between her children and their -environment. Quarrels among themselves, irritability and disobedience -toward her, impositions upon the servants, pertness with their elders, -insubordination toward their teachers, altercations with their -playmates, and friction with the neighbors--it is affairs of these -sorts that fray a woman's nerves and wrack her mind. No woman can -long endure these things. There are not many courses open to her. She -can die, or she can rid herself of her children by consigning them to -servants who are paid for accepting her responsibility. In either case -she no longer concerns us. Let us suppose, however, that she remains a -mother. Then the only course that she can pursue is to attempt some -mode of adjustment. - -There are two ways in which she can act. She can undertake either -to adjust her children to their environment, or to adjust their -environment to them. Almost every mother adopts either one way or the -other within the first two months of her first baby's life. The young -lord of creation puts the problem squarely before her: Am I to begin my -reign now--and I warn you it will be a case of whimsical autocracy--or -must I take my place in the order of this household? If his mother -is a washerwoman, he gets no answer; she goes about her washing and -he finds his place without much remonstrance. The children of the -poor are blessed with mothers who have this problem settled for them -by the gaunt hand of necessity. If, however, this lordling has been -born in the purple, even of very light shade, he has a good chance of -seizing the sceptre at the very first grasp. He certainly will seize -it and wield it relentlessly, if his mother decides to do the easiest -thing. At the beginning and for some time it is easier to conform the -household to the baby than the baby to the household. It is easier -because strictly at the beginning it is necessary. Even the household -of the washerwoman is swerved for a few days out of its regular course; -but when the wash comes in again, the household is swerved back. The -trouble comes in those families where the mother's will has to take the -place of somebody else's wash. Of course there are cases which cannot -be considered normal. The newcomer is puny and needs the constant -attention that every invalid requires; or the mother's strength has -been sapped, and she must, for everybody's sake, do the easiest thing. -In such cases there is no choice. Ordinarily, however, the issue is not -long postponed. The trained nurse, if there is one, can have a good -deal to do in deciding it. Probably it will be most distinctly raised -over a question of feeding. The foundation of absolute monarchy within -many a plain American home has been laid by allowing the diminutive -heir apparent to engage in midnight feasting when every consideration -of orderliness commanded sleep. It is on such an occasion that a man, -if he has any chivalry in him, will sustain his wife's good resolution. -If he chooses to be anything more to his household than a purveyor, he -will not have to wait long to make good his determination. - -The difference between a household adjusted to a child and a child -adjusted to a household is the difference between unstable and stable -equilibrium. Quietness, peace, and an aspect of repose may be found in -both cases; but in the one case every new movement threatens an upset. - -There are two kinds of households, the adjustable and the unadjustable. -A child, let us say, wakes in the morning. If he is accustomed to an -adjustable household, there is an end of sleep for those who have the -care of him. For the sake of peace to the others some one has to keep -him quietly amused until the time of rising. That some one, we all -can guess, is the mother. At breakfast it is the child that is first -served, and when he is finished with eating it is his new demands that -interrupt the meal. The mother does her household tasks under the -child's supervision. In order to avoid the necessity of leaving them -to rush upon every demand to the nursery, she manages to have him in -the room with her. Tethering him to the leg of a table, barricading -him behind chairs, occupying his mind now with one bauble, now with -another, she succeeds, with the exercise of an acquired versatility, -in securing for him safety from harm, for the furniture measurable -immunity from damage, and for herself a comparatively noiseless -morning. When the time for his nap arrives, she, as the available -member of the household, leaves everything else and puts him to -sleep. After he wakes and is dressed, a caller arrives. For an instant -forgetful, she starts to leave the young ruler. A wail recalls her. -A gurgle of satisfaction rewards her for taking him in her arms. The -visitor is now a part of the household and must be properly adjusted. -At the sight of the caller the baby makes violent protest. Then comes -the period of coaxing, unsatisfactory to the child, troublesome to the -mother, and disconcerting to the guest. Irreconcilable, the youngster -is handed over to some one for the nonce, and the visitor concludes the -call and departs to the accompaniment of mourning. The despot is easily -restored to good humor as soon as he sees again his favorite subject. -The one annoying episode of the day is easily set down against the -account, not of the child, not of his mother, but of the caller. "That -black gown she wore" many a time does duty as an explanation for what -is really the product of an adjustable household. Aside from the more -immediate and obvious disadvantages of the adjustable household, there -is this: that it hardly fits the child for living in an unadjustable -world. - -The child who greets the morning in an unadjustable household finds -at hand enough to amuse him until it is time for his bath. His mother -has not led him to expect anything else. I remember a little fellow -whom I used to see a few years ago. Of delicate organism, decidedly -high-strung, very sensitive to sound and motion, he needed as much -attention as any well baby ever did. Regularly every morning, after -giving him his breakfast and getting him ready for the day, his mother -took him to the nursery, left him on the padded floor, gave him his few -blocks, and left him to his devices. She was free to go downstairs then -about her work. She was not beyond earshot. When the sun was high, she -wrapped him up well, put him in his carriage, and, wheeling him out -on the porch, left him again alone. In the afternoon the process was -reversed: first the sunny porch, then the quiet nursery. Times for play -with him came to an end according to her judgment, not his. Because she -loved him and understood her vocation as mother, she established in -this nervous child the habit of encountering the world with placidity. -This is the way of the mother who determines that her household shall -be unadjustable. - -There are those who regard childhood as a period when the individual -becomes, to use Stevenson's phrase, "well armored for this world." It -is this conception of childhood as a preparation for after-life that -underlies Huxley's essay on liberal education. There are others who -would say, with a recent writer, that childhood is not to be regarded -as a preparation for youth that in turn becomes a preparation for -manhood, but rather is to be made "beautiful and glorious in and for -itself, not a vestibule to a vestibule to a vestibule." Whichever of -these two views we take, we shall find, I think, that the only way of -escape from disorder and confusion is not by adjusting the child's -environment to him, but by adjusting him to his environment. - -The one unescapable part of our children's environment is--ourselves. -Over them we are always impending. At inconvenient times we rise -in their way and impede their most absorbing occupations. On their -excursions into the wilds of fancy it is we who obtrude and with -philistine complacency drive them back into the gross world of -wash-basins and table manners. Three small boys are busy blasting. One -is a workman; a second is the fuse; the third is the hole, and is about -to explode for the sixth time. Who interrupts with some trivial but -insistent remark about less noise or clean clothes? One of us. And the -worst of it is that we who are so troublesomely recurrent, and who -are their source of supplies, seem to be incapable of appreciating the -delights of becoming at will a trolley-car, an alligator, a goblin, -or a hole in the ground. That is the sort of environment we are; and -if we are going to adjust our children to it, we ought to understand -how knurly it is. When we understand that, we shall perhaps see the -importance of giving our children a chance to explode without being -flung repeatedly against our prosy protuberances. Sometimes we can -manage that by simply giving them room for their own Arcady. (And it is -not our business to insist that their Arcady be our sort.) Sometimes -it will be necessary to manage this otherwise. We may, for instance, -live in a flat. In that case we may actually have to exercise some -imagination and suggest to them an occupation which will keep them from -a too rasping contact with us. The first requisite, then, for peace is -a reasonable degree of non-interference. - -Interference, however, we cannot always avoid. Then the question -becomes one of interfering without friction. Any one can give commands -to a child, or instruct him after a fashion, or punish him; but to -exercise authority over a child and at the same time keep on good terms -with him, that is an art in which we are not all equally adept. But it -is an art we must master if we are to be free of unnecessary annoyance -and a great deal of fruitless pother. We cannot be on good terms with -a healthy child except on the basis of justice. That is one reason why -an altercation with a child is a sign of failure in discipline: it is -not sportsmanlike. It lacks the prime element of justice, an equal -chance for each opponent. When we take a child for an antagonist, we -do not enter a square fight; we have him at an unfair advantage. He -knows it as well as we, and that is why, even if we win--as win we -ought with size and strength and wit on our side--our victory is an -inglorious failure. When he succumbs in the struggle, he has learned -only one thing--that he must enlarge his resources. A small boy leaves -his sled in the front hall. He is ordered to remove it and he refuses. -Then comes the tussle. Rather than go to bed, he finally complies. The -next time he awaits the approach of a visitor. This time he leaves his -sled in the front hall and flees. He has learned his lesson--to pick -the place and moment for battle when the enemy is at a disadvantage. -The visitor, serenely unconscious of the fact, has diverted the enemy. -The sled is whisked out of sight. No penalty now inflicted on the boy -can be to him other than the manifestation of resentment and chagrin on -the part of an outwitted adversary. In such a case what does justice -suggest? There is the voice of one in authority. - -"Your sled is in the front hall; put it away." - -"But I don't want to. I'm playing." - -The affair seems to be at an end. There is no insistence; there are no -threats. - -A day later. "Mamma! Mamma! Where's my sled?" - -"Did you look in its place?" - -"Yes, and it isn't there." - -"Where did you leave it?" - -"I don't know." - -"Think." - -(With shamed face) "I guess in the front hall." - -"You had better look in the front hall, then." - -"It isn't there." - -"Did you expect to find it there?" - -"No-o." - -There is no ground for altercation here. Perhaps there may be need -for explanation. The loss of a day's coasting in this case may be -actually a severer punishment than the threatened hours in bed in the -other case, but it comes in the course of justice, and the boy knows -it. Nobody has won a victory, because there has been no struggle; but -somebody has learned a lesson. And through it all the boy remains on -good terms with his environment. - -Of course it would never do for a child to live in too just a world; -his awakening upon entrance into the world that we grown folks have -made for ourselves would be cruelly rude. He must have ample chance to -learn how to meet injustice. Happily, such chance will frequently come -his way without any solicitude on our part. One can discern something -almost purposeful in the fact that the sense of justice is no part -of the parental instinct. Indeed, it seems as if it had been made -especially difficult for grown people to deal justly with children. For -one thing, in order to be just with a child one must be prepared to -believe anything, no matter how preposterous. Once on a time a little -girl was going downstairs. In her arms she held a precious doll. She -knew that it was a prized family possession. To her consternation she -suddenly felt it leave her hold, and in an instant she saw it lying -broken upon the stairs. When she was questioned by her mother, she -announced simply that the doll had jumped from her arms. In spite of -all that her mother said to her on the evil of willful untruth, she -persisted in her story. Whether she was punished I do not know; but if -she was, it was not because of an accident, but because of a falsehood. -In any case, she suffered the indignity of being disbelieved. For a -long time the feeling of injustice rankled in her. It was not until -she had grown old enough to learn that a doll cannot leap that she -relinquished her faith in the statement which had been treated by her -mother as a lie. A dash of credulity would have established a good -understanding with that child; but that was too much to expect. It is -not easy to be credulous at the right times. That is one reason why we -need never take pains lest we be too just with our children. - -With the best of intentions, the most competent of us will now and then -lapse into deeds of injustice. If we discovered them all, we should -lead uneasy lives. A kind Providence, however, keeps us oblivious of -most of them; and our children are slow in learning to preserve a -grudge. When one of us, however, discovers that he has been unjust -toward his child, what does he do? That depends on his standards. If -his ambition is to be omniscient and infallible, he keeps the discovery -to himself, and, if he corrects the injustice, manages by some -subterfuge to make the correction, not an act of justice, but an act -of grace. His policy might be epitomized in Jowett's motto for public -men: with children his practice is, "Never retract, never explain; get -it done, and let them howl." For one who does not care to pay the price -of courage and self-respect, this rule can be made to work very well. -One whose ambition, however, is to be authoritative with children will -value sincerity with them as a principle and not as an expedient. -Karl has apparently been guilty of willful disobedience; he has done -something he was told not to do. The punishment which regularly -follows rebellion is announced. It then transpires that what seemed -disobedience was really misunderstanding. What can be done? Since the -maternal court does not crave infallibility, the error in sentence -is acknowledged. So far from impairing confidence in the court, this -proceeding actually tends to buttress it. The next time an adverse -judgment is declared and sentence is inflicted, the culprit, even if -he believes himself guiltless, will, if he thinks about it at all, -suspect that the judge is attempting, not to preserve her dignity, but -honestly to administer justice. A child can pay his parents no greater -honor than by protesting, in the belief that he will be heard, that a -threatened punishment would be unfair. - -Even that mother who finds other occupations more dignified and -gratifying than that of motherhood cannot wholly escape the necessity -of deciding whether the ground of her dealings with her children shall -be justice or something else. In delegating responsibility to servants, -she must decide whether she will delegate authority also. The woman -who puts her children in the charge of a hired maid and then declares, -"I will never require a child of mine to obey a servant," deliberately -chooses to be unjust to her children. That she is also unjust to the -servant is not so grave a matter. The servant can, if she wishes, find -another mistress; but the child is compelled to be content as he can -with that mother. Such a woman is usually quite powerless to secure -obedience toward herself. When her daughters are grown, she wonders why -they do not become her friends; when her sons are grown, she wonders -why they exhibit no desire for her companionship. - -The only footing for comradeship is fair dealing. Even a sense of -humor, essential as that is, will not take its place. Who would be a -comrade with his children must first be just with them. - - - - -V - -FOR 'TIS THEIR NATURE TO - - -Why we expect children to be more tranquil than a parliamentary body -or a ministers' meeting I do not know and cannot imagine. To be -troubled because children quarrel is to deplore one of their chief -prerogatives--the prerogative of being themselves. The time to be -troubled is not when they quarrel merely, but when they quarrel in the -wrong way or about wrong things. To teach children how to quarrel and -what to quarrel about is one of the duties of parents. - -Together with some compensating advantages, an only child has one -indisputable misfortune: there is no one in the family he can really -quarrel with. No altercation he might have with a grown-up could be -dignified with the name of quarrel. All his quarreling he must do -outside his home. Consequently, he cannot receive from his parents -all the attention that he might receive if he were, say, one of six. -When he finally encounters other children, he does not know the -bounds either of expediency in tolerating their idiosyncrasies, or -of right in maintaining his own. With skill his parents may acquire -artificially for themselves, as well as for him, the experiences which -naturally befall a larger household. It is plain, therefore, that those -parents are fortunate who have quarreling children. To them avenues of -education are open which are closed to the parents of an only child. - -I do not refer to those roads which, originating in the nursery, have -led to the depths of theology or to the heights of moral discourse. -The road which has landed more than one theologian in meditation upon -the depraved nature of the child may well have had its beginning in -childish quarrels. There was Jonathan Edwards, for instance; he had -ten sisters and about as many children. This suggests a fit subject -for a thesis. Then that pleasanter if less picturesque way, bordered -with the flowers and the weeds of rhetoric, which has brought the -preacher and the versifier to sermons and rhymes for the edification of -the young, must have received many a traveler from tributary paths of -domestic strife. Isaac Watts, for instance, who being dead yet speaketh -of dogs and bears and lions and children, was the eldest of nine. -The avenues of education to which I refer, however, are open only to -parents or vice-parents, and lead only to parental skill. - -Some parents act as if they did not even know that these avenues exist. -Consequently, when they encounter contention among their offspring, -they fly in all directions at once. This undoubtedly makes for agility. -For example:-- - -Waves of turmoil burst through the closed doors of the playroom, flood -the stairway, and whelm to the ears the placid group of grown-ups -in the living-room. As the visiting cousin nervously halts her small -talk, and the tired mother lays down her knitting, the master of the -house, with an air of finality, gesturing the others into subsidence, -breasts the billows of sound. Upward, two steps in a stride, he makes -an assault upon the playroom. - -"What's all this about?" as he flings open the door. "Bless me! -everybody can hear you all over the house. Your mother and I aren't -undertaking to keep a zoo. Do you suppose that somebody can be running -up here every five minutes? Besides, don't you know that your mother's -cousin Bettina is visiting us, and that she is distracted by this -sort of uproar? Now don't try to interrupt. What did you say? That -Ruth threw a coal-car at you? Why, Ruth, my little girl! that's a -very dangerous thing to do. If you had struck one of the boys in the -eye, you might have made him blind. I shall have to take the cars -away, if you are going to do dangerous things with them. What's that? -They're not Ruth's cars? What of it? Does that make them any the less -dangerous? Now, don't interrupt again. Besides, Ruth, that was a very -unladylike thing for a little girl to do. And, boys, you are at fault, -too. Ruth would never have done that if you hadn't done something to -her. Is that the way young gentlemen should treat a young lady? And -Ruth is younger than you. She can't defend herself unless she does -something like that. I shall have to punish you all; perhaps that will -help you to learn how to behave. Now, you boys, go over to Ruth and ask -her pardon; and, Ruth, you kiss them and tell them you're sorry. And -now play together properly. See if you can't get along till tea-time -without making a disturbance." - -Satisfied that he has settled an acute difficulty, this composite -father, in whose voice has sounded some tones that I dare not disown, -descends the peaceful stairs. What he has actually done has been to -throw into hopeless unsettlement a situation that was after a fashion -already half settled. If the children are quiet, it is because they are -dazed by the feats of an acrobatic adult mind. They have watched their -father make a circuit of the situation, cross at least a half-dozen -paths that led safely out, and, ignoring all, return to the point of -departure. The benefit they have received from the performance is -not at all the benefit he believes he has imparted. It has not been, -as he fancies, the benefit of discipline; it has been the benefit -of diversion. As for himself, he has received that most welcome of -benefits--a mental frame of complacency. - -Not being as nimble as he, we may find it worth our while to stop for -a moment at each path that he passed and explore it. What we are prone -to forget is that from almost every difficulty of this kind there are -several exits, and that there is no progress made in attempting to -travel more than one at a time. In this case, all need for the display -of gymnastics might have been avoided by the consideration of a few -simple questions. - -One question has precedence of all others: Shall I interfere or not? -To decide that question in the negative is to eliminate all the -others. That it is necessary to do this, the conjunction of a quarrel -and a luncheon party may demonstrate. The critical time comes when -there is no luncheon party. To allow children some chance to settle -their own differences is as certainly an act of discipline as it is -to settle every difference for them. It is none the less discipline -for the children because it seems to be chiefly self-discipline. A -younger sister once had a grievance; she made her protest with a -strident whine. Annoyed by the outburst, her mother descended upon the -whole crew, wormed out the merits of the case, and with an even hand -apportioned among the offenders penalty or reproof. Having profited, -as it happened, by this occurrence, the small girl, the next time she -wished to gain an advantage over the others, resorted to the same -whining outcry. Immediately the three older children fell to playing -church. With a loud and discordant hymn, they designed to drown the -sound of protest. Though at this time in the right, they preferred not -to take the risk. Already well trained by her children, that mother -was quick to remain where she was. It sometimes requires alertness to -do nothing. Just though her interference had been, she saw that it not -only had encouraged in one child an annoying mode of complaint, but -also had suggested to the others a noisy mode of averting judgment. -Thereafter it seemed easier for her to hesitate before participating -in her children's controversies. How can children experiment with the -principles with which their elders have tried to endow them, except -upon those occasions when those didactic elders do not interfere? -How, on the other hand, can those same elders see what effect their -precepts have had, unless the children can begin a quarrel on the -chance that they may end it themselves? Deliberately to determine not -to interfere in a children's quarrel comes not of grace but of labor. -Any one can lapse into indifference as to the merits of a dispute -between two youngsters, but only one who has come through affliction -to self-control can at the same time maintain an acute interest in -the triumph of the just cause and keep his hands off. The virtue of -non-interference is not a gift, it is an achievement. - -Occasions which demand interference, however, occur frequently enough -to supply with plenty of exercise any normally active parental mind. -Whenever it is clearly best that the children should not be allowed to -end their quarrel themselves, the parent who is not in search merely -of self-complacency can ask himself a number of questions. Usually, -the time for asking and answering those questions is very brief. The -exercise is vigorous while it lasts. On the way from the living-room -to the nursery, the hastening parent can, for example, perform this -rapid mental scale passage: To what purpose am I interfering? Is it -to suppress a noise? or to avert a danger? or to teach courtesy? or -to instruct in morals? or to do justice? or to establish an amicable -basis? Later, and perhaps more deliberately, he will run over this -scale of questions: What means shall I use? Shall it be force? or -argument? or ridicule? or explanation? or advice? or instruction? or -command? or punishment? It requires practice to pounce upon the note -principally out of tune in a wealth of discord, and then to choose the -one tool that will set it right; but then, there is no vocation more -exciting than parenthood. - -The noise of a quarrel may be its most serious offense. We can admit -that fact without accepting as an invariable rule the maxim of our -nervous, overwrought ancestors, Children should be seen and not heard. -At times it seems, indeed, as if the present age were too phlegmatic. -There are people for whose nerves children should be made to have -some regard; there are invalids who do not thrive on din; there is -necessary work which cannot be done in the midst of a racket; there -are neighbors who declare, with some show of right, that they regard -monopoly in noise as against public policy. So, whether for the sake of -cousin Bettina's nerves, or a tired mother's rest, or a busy father's -conference with a creditor, or merely for the sake of reputation with -the neighbors, it may be best to disregard all other factors and insist -on quiet. That seems clear enough. The trouble with us pretentious -grown-ups is that usually when we undertake to stop a quarrel because -it is disturbing, we delude ourselves into thinking that we have some -high moral purpose. We can expose our own fatuity by simply inquiring -of ourselves, when we begin our preachment, Would we have interfered if -this quarrel had not been so strepitous? It is one of the annoyances -in the training of children that if we are to be honest with them, we -must be honest with ourselves. I do not see how that can be helped. And -with children honesty is prerequisite to authority. To pretend that -we chiefly want them to be good at a time when really we chiefly want -them to be quiet is to renounce all influence over them when really -we arrive at the point of chiefly wanting them to be good. That is -reason enough for being honest with them. So when we set out towards -a quarrel with the determination of suppressing a noise, we shall, if -we are honest, deal with the quarrel, not as turpitude, but as noise. -We may not be able to persuade the contestants of the existence of -nerves, or headaches, or creditors, or neighbors, or even of our own -reasonableness; but we shall at least probably succeed in conveying to -them the genuineness of this single idea that is uppermost in our own -mind: if you can't quarrel quietly, you shall not quarrel at all. If -later we wish to impress upon them the necessity of being considerate -of others, we can use that specific quarrel as an illustration without -risking with them our reputation for singleness. - -A quarrel may involve something which, even more than noise, demands -instant interference. Two small boys were in an altercation. The older -had a ball. The younger wanted that ball with a consuming hunger. The -nearest weapon at hand was the discarded shaft of a golf club. Seizing -it, he began his attack with reckless fury. The sound of a blow upon a -piece of furniture followed by an outcry of fear brought their father -to the room. His thought was not for anybody's manners or morals, -nor for the disturbance, nor for a just settlement of the contest; -it was for the defenseless boy's head. There was but one possible -measure: immediate and forcible confiscation of the club. This was -frankly not punishment--which would have involved a moral judgment--but -simply humane intervention. The announcement that the club was to -remain confiscated for a week merely emphasized the extent of the -intervention, not the severity of a punishment. The incident might have -served as an occasion for a lecture upon the danger of the wanton use -of weapons; as a matter of fact, I believe, it was, of a sort; but-- - -"Oh, daddy, it was my ball!" - -"No, daddy, really it wasn't!" - -All such discussion as to the merits of the dispute was quashed. -Likewise was stifled all inclination on the part of the intervening -parent to deliver a lesson on the evils of an ungovernable temper. That -might not have been confusing, if it could have been made distinct from -the act of intervention; but it was not necessary. The fault was not -an excess of temper so much as a thoughtless or ignorant use of power. -At least, that was the judgment on which this father acted. Whether he -was right or wrong is not to the point; what is to the point is that he -formed his judgment, acted upon it, and did not obscure the issue by -confusing the consequences--or possible consequences--of a deed with -its moral character. - -Just as the physical consequence of a quarrel may be more important -than its moral aspects, so may be its significance as an exhibition of -manners. When their elders hopelessly intermingle precepts as to the -amenities with deliverances upon ethics, children can hardly be blamed -if they come to regard murder as in the same category with the wearing -of tan boots to the accompaniment of a frock coat. An altercation -marked by vulgarity, or even by nothing more than delinquencies in -courtesy, may be more distasteful to grown-ups than one involving -meanness or deceit. In such a case we may give interference the form -of an expression of disgust, and keep the issue clear. If, however, -we allow it to take the form of punishment, we might as well admit -to ourselves that we are engaged not in disciplining children but in -relieving our own feelings, and be grateful that we have at hand such -an outlet for our emotions. - -Occasionally there arises a quarrel which supplies a text for a moral -lesson. A quarrel of this sort arose one day between a small boy of -five or six and his sister a year or two older. The mother of these -two had issued a command to the younger that he take off his wet -shoes. In a few minutes she heard the sound of struggle. It called for -investigation. There on the nursery floor was the lad, tearful and -angry; near at hand his sister, reproachful and indignant. It appeared -that his neglect of the order had aroused her to action. He resented -her assumption of authority; she resented his resentment. The case was -not as simple as it appeared to be. Punishment of the small boy without -explanation would have seemed to him like punishment for disobedience -toward a sister who was without authority. On the other hand, a rebuke -of the sister for unwarranted assumption of authority would have seemed -to her like a rebuke for loyalty to her mother. It was a case, not -primarily for punishment or even for rebuke, but for moral instruction, -or, if you prefer, explanation. - -As an occasion for the doing of justice, a quarrel among children often -presents great perplexities. It is hard for a mother to be a just judge -between her children. This is partly because she is so practiced in -partiality for her children that she revolts at the apparent hardness -of impersonal fairness; partly because she frequently cannot ascertain -the facts. A mother who loves justice while she loves her children -will not be quick to ascend the bench. Sometimes, however, she must. -There was once called, for instance, the case of Ronald _vs._ Dan. -After a statement of the case made in turn by the two litigants, -and confirmed or corrected by the visiting playmate Davy, the facts -seemed to be as follows: The boys were cutting advertising pictures -out of newspapers. Each of the boys had his own pile of newspapers -which was his property. Dan had on one of his papers a picture which -he did not care for, but which Ronald cared for very much. No sooner -had Ronald expressed his desire for this picture than Dan crumpled the -paper up in his hand and threw it into the waste-basket. Hence the -complaint. The act was undeniably one of meanness; it was done with -the intent to exasperate; but it transgressed no rights. The paper -was Dan's property, to be disposed of as he pleased. Ronald had not -the slightest claim upon it. This was clearly understood. While the -trial was in progress, Davy, the witness, fished the paper out of the -waste-basket, where it had become the personal property of nobody, -cut out the picture, smoothed its wrinkles, and presented it to the -grateful Ronald. Justice to Dan had compelled the recognition of his -right to do with his own as he pleased. Judgment rendered for the -defendant. Could any mother be satisfied with that outcome? So far as -determining whether punishment was to be measured out, that ended the -case. Strictly observing as between herself and her children their -property rights, that judge could not refuse to enforce those rights as -among themselves. This case, however, raised another question than that -of justice. - -This was the question of future amity. The generous action of Davy, the -witness, made it possible to use the incident for furthering not only -just but also happy relations among the children. It made the defendant -somewhat ashamed of himself, although of course it did not in the -least obscure to his mind the consciousness that the judge had dealt -with him justly. It moreover restored the sun to the complainant's -cloudy face. Thus at the same time it impressed on the mind of the -guilty a sense of his own meanness and effaced the memory of that -meanness from the mind of the aggrieved. It is not always that a judge -has a Davy at hand. It will not, however, necessarily confuse matters -if she act the part of Davy herself. It is sometimes possible thus to -give a practical demonstration of the fact that the spoils of justice -are not always satisfying. - -As in walking, so in living with our fellows, some friction is -necessary. To deprive a child of friction with other children is to -keep him in slippery places. Unless we wish to teach him how to elude -his kind, we shall not begrudge him his wholesome contests of skill, of -wit, of strength, of temper. We shall only take care that he does his -fighting fairly and not on too slight a provocation, that he knows how -to yield to the weakness of another, that he does not learn to whine or -snivel, that he does not become a tale-bearer, that he can take defeat -or rebuke without callousness and without a whimper, that he becomes -capable of forgetting his resentments and his personal triumphs over -others, and that of all his victories, he learns to value most those -which he wins over himself. - - - - -VI - -THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM - - -The master of the house had returned from a visit to the country home. - -"Whom do you suppose I saw to-day?" - -The children could not imagine. - -"Old Robert. And what do you think he said?" - -The guesses flew wide. - -"No; you're all wrong. What he said was, 'How are the little men?'" - -Then up rose Deacon, as the old colored man had dubbed him, the -youngest, blandest, tricksiest of the trio; and he laughed in derisive -resentment. - -"I think old Robert is funny. He calls us little men. I don't think -people will like old Robert if he calls 'em names." - -Names! Will children never cease to shock us by their points of view? -Old Robert, like a well-baked pie, had put all the richness of his -highly flavored feeling for the lads into that one phrase. He made it -serve him as a message of loyalty, respect, affection, comradeship. - -Old Robert had probably never heard of James Mill; and if he had, -he would not have cited him as an authority; for old Robert did not -act according to the logic of his phrase. James Mill, however, did -just that; he proceeded on the theory that it is wholesome to treat -children as if they were miniature men and women. He began with his -first-born by fitting to him an intellectual frock coat and tall hat. -Why he waited till the youngster was three years old no one, so far as -I know, has ever explained. Without much further delay he also gave -him a religious outfit. This, though decidedly less conventional than -his intellectual wardrobe, had the same adult cut. It was not the -Benthamite fashion of his religious garb, but its mature lines, that -gave John Stuart Mill his air of fascinating priggishness and suave -conceit. - -Our taste, unlike James Mill's, may be for orthodoxy. We need not on -that account despair of imbuing our children with religious precocity -and self-assurance. Before he was ten years old, John Stuart Mill had -learned that Christianity was immoral, and that there was no personal -God. There is no reason why any child at the same age may not know -all the mysteries of predestinarianism, and be old in the experiences -of sanctification. All we need is the diligence, the courage, the -determination of James Mill. - -In these qualities some of our forbears had the advantage of us. They -knew very definitely what they wished their children to do and to -believe. Among them was an American contemporary of James Mill, the -Rev. Carlton Hurd. There are people still living who gratefully recall -the ministration of this kindly, stalwart New England divine. He so -ran as not uncertainly; so fought he, not as one that beateth the air. -And his certitude did not forsake him in the training of his little -daughter. It may seem almost grotesque to couple the English author and -employee of the East India Company with the Orthodox American parson. -The one held beliefs antipodal to those of the other. James Mill, -moreover, not being able to believe in a God so stern as to create this -evil world, made up what was lacking in the cosmos by cultivating in -himself an iron sternness toward his son; on the other hand, Parson -Hurd, as he is still affectionately called, being fully persuaded of -the existence of a God capable of infinite wrath, seemed to cherish in -himself, as sort of compensation, a most touching solicitude for his -daughter. In only one respect did Parson Hurd resemble James Mill,--in -having and holding to a body of convictions which were, to his mind, -not only indisputable, but also, in substance at least, essential to -the proper adornment of the mind of a child. The letter in which he -tells the story of Marion Lyle Hurd is the narrative of a complete and -orderly religious experience. - -Marion died at the age of four years. When she was eight months old, -her parents read to her from leaflets for Sabbath Schools. They -explained to her, when she was a year and a half old, in answer to -questions from her, the origin and use of the Bible. They noted that -when she had reached the age of two "her mind was seriously exercised -with religious things." At that time she would sometimes kneel down and -would say:-- - -"Mother, I am going to pray. What shall I say to God?" - -"Ask God to make you good and give you a new heart." - -"What is a new heart, Mother?" - -"This was familiarly explained," writes her father, "and at the same -time she was particularly informed of the way of salvation by Jesus -Christ, and the steps God had taken to save sinners. We endeavored to -impress upon her mind that she was a sinner and needed forgiveness; -and God would forgive her sins, and give her a new heart through Jesus -Christ." That from this time "she chiefly devoted her few remaining -days to the acquisition of religious knowledge" her father finds to -be "a consoling reflection." He adds, with conscientious caution, "If -she was truly converted, we cannot tell when the change took place." -Her parents hoped, however, after she had died two years later, that -she had "entered 'the city of our God.'" Though they had no means of -perceiving the approach of the disease of the brain which occasioned -her death, they realized that the sensitiveness and activity of her -mind warned them "to lead Marion with the gentlest hand; to make her -way as quiet and even as possible." In this third year the books -which were read to her included Parley's "Geography" and "Astronomy," -Gallaudet's "Child's Book on the Soul," and "Daily Food for -Christians." In her fourth year her books, which she read to herself, -were, besides the Bible, "Child's Book on Repentance," "Life of Moses," -"Family Hymns," "Union Hymns," "Daily Food," "Lessons for Sabbath -Schools," "Henry Milnor," Watts's "Divine Songs," "Memoir of John -Mooney Mead," "Nathan W. Dickerman," Todd's "Lectures to Children," and -"Pilgrim's Progress." As these titles indicate, she was "particularly -fond of reading the biography of good little children." Of all her -books, however, Bunyan's masterpiece seems to have been the most -instructive. Her knowledge of the allegory was tested by questions. -She knew why Christian went through the river while Ignorance was -ferried over. She knew what was meant by the Slough of Despond and the -losing of the Burden. "When we come to Christ," said she, "we" (not -Christians, or people, or you, but we) "lose our sins." And she sought -from her father a certificate to enter the City. "We cannot doubt," -comments her father, "Marion understood much of what was intended to -be taught in that book, which Phillip says, in his life of John Bunyan, -contains the essence of all theology. Certainly, she was familiar with -every step of the pathway of holiness trod by Christian, from the city -of Destruction through the river of death to the 'Celestial City.'" And -later he adds that she evinced "a familiar acquaintance with all parts -of that allegory and its doctrine." Though he makes clear in his letter -that "it is not the piety of the full grown and mature christian, that -we are to look for in a child," he makes equally clear that in all -essential particulars her piety was complete. It included even a regard -for the significance of eternal reward and penalty. From Doddridge's -"Expositor," both by examining the pictures and reading "the sacred -text" under the direction of her father, she derived many ideas of the -crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, and the general resurrection -at the end of the world. "Marion," continues the narrative, "after -closely inspecting the countenances given in those pictures, both to -the just and unjust, in the resurrection, would say, - -"'Oh! how the wicked look, when they rise from the dead!' adding in a -serious and solemn manner, - - - "'"There is a dreadful hell, - And everlasting pains, - Where sinners must with devils dwell, - In darkness, fire, and chains."'" - - -Indeed, from the earlier months, life after death, "the happiness of -the good, and the misery of the wicked," were topics of "frequent and -delightful conversation with her parents." - -In her last hours she expressed her assurance that she would be saved, -and her last audible words were, "I am not afraid to die." Thus ended -this brief life of four years and twenty-six days. - -An example of such training would be hard to find among parents of the -present day. This is not because there are no parents who have Parson -Hurd's convictions; neither is it because there are none who have his -confidence in the capacity of children. It is because there are lacking -parents who have both the convictions and the confidence. The reason -why many parents fail where James Mill and Parson Hurd succeeded is -that they try to make compromise between two contradictory theories. -Although they wish to give their children a full complement of -doctrines, they either do not possess the full complement themselves, -or do not believe that their children are mature enough to receive it. -The spectacle of adults attempting to instruct a primary class in the -Logos Doctrine by the kindergarten method is thoroughly modern. - -If the way of Parson Hurd and James Mill seems to us either too hard or -unreal, there is another way that may be found. That is the studious -exclusion of religion from the life--even from the knowledge--of our -children. It was this way that J. S. Mill supposed his father set him -traveling. Of course he was mistaken when he said in his autobiography -that he never had religious belief. He was embowered in religious, -though not in Christian, or even in theistic, belief. The way that he -walked was erroneously marked on his map; that was all. This is worth -noting because it indicates how easily even a logician may miss this -obscure way of no religion. Those who would lead their children by this -route must avoid the very shadow of religion as they would that of -the upas. Indeed, against even the air that has passed the shadow of -religion they must quarantine their children. Religion is infectious. -It can be conveyed by the subtlest means. To it children are perilously -liable. Against it there seems to be no trustworthy antitoxin. Children -are surrounded by infected people. A chance word may deposit the germ. -One child out of the brood may thus fall a victim to a particularly -virulent species of religion simply because he never had it in a -mild form. Nevertheless, it is possible to establish a quarantine -that may chance to remain effective for years. By this means children -may be kept from a knowledge of religion just as many are safely, -or dangerously, kept from a knowledge of what most people regard as -advanced physiology. One family, I am told, has taken this way. How -successful it has proved, I cannot say. All I have heard is that one -member of the family is now enlisted in the ministry. This does not -necessarily betoken failure. The theory was simply that each child -was to be kept immune until he was old enough to decide for himself -whether or not he would take the infection. This way is not the way of -indifference. It cannot be followed by any one who is not profoundly -affected by religion, whether hostile or friendly to it. It may require -less routine diligence than the other way, but it requires more anxious -circumspection. - -Different from either of these is that third way blazed by the -developing traits of our children. Those who take it cannot regard -religion as a form of doctrines or practices to be handed over to their -child ready-made; neither can they regard it as a superfluity, which -they are to withdraw from their child until he can choose to avoid it -as a danger or accept it as a luxury. They can regard it only as a mode -of life and therefore a mode of growth. They conceive it to be quite as -perfect when it is genuinely manifested in the immaturities of the boy -or girl as when it is shown in the riper forms of old age. - -Not that they undervalue doctrines. They know that there never was a -religion that did not formulate itself. They look, however, for the -doctrines to follow the religion, not the religion the doctrines. -They are not surprised when they find their children constructing a -philosophy of religion for themselves. Once upon a time a little girl -was heard to address her dolls: "There's us, and Bridget, and Jews. -We're all made of the same material; and we all have the same Father; -I guess the difference is that some are more refined than others." -No grown-up could have given her in the same number of words a more -thoroughly typical example of theology: a union of anthropology, -biology, and metaphysics, with a quasi-ethical conclusion. No -ecumenical creed could have been more valid for the generation that -produced it than could this brief philosophy be for her. - -Those who would take this third way well know, too, that there are some -phases of religion from which it may be well, if possible, to save -children for a time. It is no more necessary to feed them on Dante's -"Inferno" than on Welsh rabbit. This, however, is very different from -enforcing abstinence from all religious food. - -Conceding as much as this, then, to dogma and to caution, those who do -not object to seeing a child grow will--let him grow. They will not be -surprised if he looks out on the world with wonder. Neither will they -be surprised if his wonder is slow in reaching satiety. It is sometimes -very leisurely. - -Davy, aged six, asked one day at table: "Mamma, what's above the -clouds?" - -"Air." - -After a moment of thought: "What's above the air?" - -"Ether." - -Another moment of thought; then, "What's above the ether?" - -"More ether. Ether is everywhere." - -Throughout this colloquy, Davy's brother Donald, two years younger, -seemed no more attentive than usual; which means he was quite -inattentive. A few weeks later, Davy had occasion to tell some one the -story of the Tower of Babel, and added his usual formula, "I think they -were foolish to try to get up to God, for God is everywhere." Donald's -mind seemed busily engaged about some other matter. A few months -passed, and Donald, now turned five, Donald the inattentive, suddenly -thrust at his mother this question:-- - -"Is God ether?" - -"No," said his mother, with a little hesitating inflection; she was -trying to prepare herself for the unknown but inevitable sequence. It -came promptly:-- - -"Is God the universe?" - -Not willing to commit herself to pantheism, she answered again, "No;" -and this time her inflection was more hesitant and inquiring than -before. - -"How can God be everywhere?" - -For all those months that wonder had been nestling in that small mind -until it grew brave enough to become vocal. Ether everywhere; God -everywhere; God is ether. Why not? And if not, how can both be true? - -"Grandfather is in the library; perhaps he can tell you." - -A sound on the stairway like the roll of a drum and Donald was down in -the library. - -"Grandfather, how can God be everywhere?" - -Grandfather touched Donald's hand: "Is Donald here, or," touching his -shoulders, "is he here, or," touching his chest, "is he here, or," -touching his knee, "is he here?" - -Donald did not hesitate; touching each spot in turn, he answered: -"Donald is here, _and_ here, _and_ here, _and_ here." - -"So it is with God," said his grandfather; "he is in New York and -England and China and the sun and the moon and the stars." - -With a smile that broke like the dawn, and that meant both -understanding and gratitude, Donald stood thoughtfully still a moment, -and then skipped off to his blocks. - -Wonder. That seems to be the first phase of religious experience, -and it grows silently unless it is thrust out by some grown-up -body's system, or is atrophied by studious neglect. Miracles? Santa -Claus? Need we trouble ourselves about these when our children are -sun-worshipers, polytheists, pagans? - -Wonder is only one part of religion. The natural response to wonder -is ritual. And children, whether we like it or not, are natively -ritualistic. The little son of a well-known writer went with his mother -for the first time in his life to service in the Church of England. As -they entered, the people were singing; as the music ended, the people -knelt. - -"What are they going to do now, Mamma?" - -"They are going to kneel and say their prayers." - -"What! with all their clothes on?" - -Untrained in ecclesiasticism, that small boy had developed a ritual of -his own. Night-clothes, to his mind, were essential to the proprieties -of religion. What does it matter to the ritualist whether or not he -understands all the words he says? The ritual itself is his reaction to -the spirit of reverence. - -Indeed, ritual is almost a prerequisite to the spirit of reverence. -It is Professor James who has said that a man does not double up his -fists because he is angry, or tremble because he is afraid; he is -afraid because he trembles, and is angry because he doubles up his -fist. So one may say that a man does not kneel because he is reverent; -he is reverent because he kneels. What power ritual has needs no -further demonstration than that afforded by the Society of Friends. -What ritual surpasses in power that of the Quaker meeting-house? What -vestments have given color and form to character more effectually than -the old-fashioned Quaker garb? If we wish our children to have the -spirit of courtesy, we insist that they acquire the habit of speaking -politely. If we wish them to have the spirit of reverence--there is no -knowing what we shall do, for most of us are very human and irrational. - -That is the reason why we shall probably be careless in considering -the question of church attendance. There are some of us, perhaps, -who have the sense to give an intelligent answer to the question, Why -don't you have your children go to church? There is only one rational -answer to that question. It might be put into some such form as this: -"I have no special objection to churches. They are useful. So are -free libraries. People who have no books at home find free libraries -a great benefit; but my family have at home all the books they need. -So people who are not well supplied with religion derive undoubted -benefit from churches; but my family have at home all the religion they -need. The community would be about as well off without any churches -as it is with the churches it has. If no other charity seems more -important, I am willing to contribute to a church as I might to a free -library; but really I see no reason why I should go to church myself, -or expect my children to go." That is a rational answer. I know of no -other answer essentially different that could be called rational. An -equally rational answer can be given to the other question, Why do you -require your children to go to church? It might be put in these words: -"A church of some kind is essential to the welfare of this community. -Without any church, even the value of real estate in this place would -enormously depreciate. That shows how everybody recognizes the church -as a conservator of social morality. In this respect the church stands -alone. The sermons may be nearly as dull as those which I have to -preach to my children; the music may be even less entertaining; but -the congregation represents as no other body of people the moral sense -of the community. Besides that, the church is the only expression of -religion as something not merely individual but also organic. Inasmuch -as the church cannot be a church without a congregation, I am obliged, -if I believe all this, to take my share in maintaining the existence -of that congregation. And since the responsibility for seeing that -my children take their share cannot be put upon them, it rests upon -me. As a consequence, they no more question why they go to church than -they question why they go to meals. They are not being entertained; -they are not primarily even being instructed. For that reason it is -not necessary, though it may be advantageous, for them to understand -the sermon. They are forming a habit. On much the same grounds I am -acquainting them with the Bible. What they store in their memory now -they need not understand till later. There is a time for learning by -heart; there is a time for understanding. I no more propose to postpone -my children's practice in religious observances until they reach the -age of discretion, than I propose to postpone their practice in being -honest or in learning their five-finger exercises." That answer, like -the other, is rational. - -A part of ritual is the observance of days and seasons. To this phase -of religion we may expect children to be sensitive. Paul's mother came -into the nursery one Sunday afternoon. - -"What are you doing?" - -"Studying." - -Paul's mother was surprised. - -"We try to keep Sunday different from other days. After this we shall -understand that you are not to study on Sundays." - -A little more than two weeks later, Paul came home from school. - -"Sammy is a funny boy," he remarked. - -Sammy is a schoolmate. - -"What has he done?" inquired Paul's mother. - -"Why, Sammy gets his lessons on Sunday." - -Two Sundays had sufficed for the establishment of a tradition in -religion so complete that a violation of it seemed grotesque. - -In regard to the observance of Sunday, one household has reversed the -traditional rule. The ritual characteristic of that family originated -in a bachelor uncle's remark. He recalled how alluring were those books -which had been forbidden him, as a boy, on Sunday, and how gray a day -Sunday was because those books were proscribed. He advocated the plan -of selecting certain interesting books, which would be forbidden on -week-days. In other words, he would remove the ban from Sundays, and -put it on the other six days. His plan was adopted. Certain delights, -including several volumes of stories from the Bible, were confined to -Sunday. In consequence, Bible stories are in great favor, and Sunday is -a day of privilege. In that household the ritual of Sunday observance -is a ritual of liberty. - -Besides wonder and ritual, there is a factor in religion on which -children seize. We may call it hero-worship. Others, following the lead -of psychologists, might prefer to name it imitation. As the children -of a certain family gather to look at Bible pictures, they are prone -to ask of any group of people depicted, "Are those people good?" -Reverence for what to them is an ideal may come later than wonder or -ritual, but it is sure to come in time to all children. Those parents -who are ready to take their children as they are and to help the growth -of the spirit as they help the growth of the body incur the peril of -always seeing in this reverence a searching inquisition of their own -lives. The nearest objects of hero-worship that a child has are his -parents. This fact may raise a disturbing inquiry: Shall they puzzle -him by setting forth two ideals of fatherhood, one incorporated in -themselves, the other involved in their representation of the character -of God? Shall they confuse the mind of the child by setting up two -inconsistent standards of human service, their own lives and what they -tell him of the life of Jesus of Nazareth? This dilemma of course is -avoided by such parents as hold either of those comfortable theories, -that religion is a theology and that religion is a luxury. In the -one case such questions are not pertinent; in the other they are -unimportant. If, however, we understand religion to be a mode of life, -we may find such questions as these driving us into an uncomfortable -corner. They seem to compel us to pose as exhorter and pattern, and to -force on us a paralyzing self-consciousness. Perhaps it will not harm -us to be occasionally reminded of the fact that we cannot expect our -children to become altogether different from what we are determined to -be; but to be always composing precepts and assuming the attitude of -examples seems to be but a feeble part to play. Happily, we need not -confine our children to the contemplation of ourselves. There are many -who, if we but let them, may share with us the burden of our children's -imitativeness. And here comes our reward, if we have cultivated -their imagination. We may be a bit stingy ourselves; but if we covet -generosity for our children, we can let Abram make the suggestion. We -may cherish our own resentments; but if we want our children to despise -theirs, we can let them join that group that heard Peter bidden to put -up his sword. Whatever may happen to us in the process will probably -do us no hurt. We may find another illustration of that which we -encountered at the beginning, that the principal part in the training -of our children is the training of ourselves. This may have meant to -us, when we started on our course, that the training of ourselves was -simply the preparation for the training of our children. By this time -we shall have discovered that it is not so much a preparation as an -outcome. This art of being a parent is an art of give and take. If it -is more blessed to give, as the Lord said, it is, as far as parents -are concerned, quite as obligatory to receive. As much, at least, as -this is the implication in one thing that our Lord did. Whether he ever -instructed a child in the faith we do not know; we have not been told. -What has been told is that when he wished to show his disciples--among -them some parents, we may surmise--what religion was, he took a child -and set him in the midst of them. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS*** - - -******* This file should be named 60912-8.txt or 60912-8.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/6/0/9/1/60912 - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it -under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this -eBook or online at <a -href="http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you are not -located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the -country where you are located before using this ebook.</p> -<p>Title: On the Training of Parents</p> -<p>Author: Ernest Hamlin Abbott</p> -<p>Release Date: December 13, 2019 [eBook #60912]</p> -<p>Language: English</p> -<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p> -<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS***</p> -<p> </p> -<h4>E-text prepared by MFR, Martin Pettit,<br /> - and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br /> - (<a href="http://www.pgdp.net">http://www.pgdp.net</a>)<br /> - from page images generously made available by<br /> - Internet Archive<br /> - (<a href="https://archive.org">https://archive.org</a>)</h4> -<p> </p> -<table border="0" style="background-color: #ccccff;margin: 0 auto;" cellpadding="10"> - <tr> - <td valign="top"> - Note: - </td> - <td> - Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - <a href="https://archive.org/details/ontrainingofpare00abborich"> - https://archive.org/details/ontrainingofpare00abborich</a> - </td> - </tr> -</table> -<p> </p> -<hr class="full" /> -<p> </p> -<p> </p> -<p> </p> - -<div class="center"><a name="cover.jpg" id="cover.jpg"></a><img src="images/cover.jpg" alt="cover" /></div> - -<hr /> - -<h1>ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS</h1> - -<hr /> - -<p class="bold2">ON THE TRAINING OF<br />PARENTS</p> - -<p class="bold space-above">BY</p> - -<p class="bold">ERNEST HAMLIN ABBOTT</p> - -<p class="bold space-above">"And they shall live with their children."</p> - -<div class="center space-above"><img src="images/logo.jpg" alt="logo" /></div> - -<p class="bold space-above">BOSTON AND NEW YORK<br />HOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANY<br /> -The Riverside Press Cambridge</p> - -<hr /> - -<p class="center">COPYRIGHT 1908 BY ERNEST HAMLIN ABBOTT</p> - -<p class="center">ALL RIGHTS RESERVED</p> - -<p class="center"><i>Published April 1908</i></p> - -<p class="center space-above">TENTH IMPRESSION</p> - -<hr /> - -<blockquote><p><i>No man has the right to dedicate to another what is not his own. -All that is mine in this little book is its infelicities. These -I dedicate to oblivion. The rest belongs to those two women from -whom I, as son and as husband, have learned all that I know of the -training of parents.</i></p></blockquote> - -<hr /> - -<h2>CONTENTS</h2> - -<table summary="CONTENTS"> - <tr> - <td>I. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Spasm and Habit</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_1">1</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>II. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">The Will and the Way</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_19">19</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>III. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">By Rule of Wit</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_40">40</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>IV. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">Peace at a Price</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_72">72</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>V. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">For 'tis their Nature to</span></td> - <td><a href="#Page_93">93</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td>VI. </td> - <td class="left"><span class="smcap">The Beginning of Wisdom</span> </td> - <td><a href="#Page_114">114</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></p> - -<p class="bold2">ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS</p> - -<h2><span>I</span> <span class="smaller">SPASM AND HABIT</span></h2> - -<p>A voice like a knife cut the still, warm air. "Now you just go right -down and get that canned salmon." I turned my head and saw a little -girl, in a fluffy dress with a skirt like a parachute, standing in the -midst of the long grass. She was evidently frightened and hesitating. -There was a whimper and a whining protest. A young woman in a wrapper, -with a menacing switch in her hand, was advancing. Her voice grew -sharper: "You do what I say, quick, or I'll whip you good!" The child -beat a retreat toward me; then timidly stood her ground. "It's so -far!" she wailed. The enemy again approached; but the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> little feet of -the child were nimble enough to keep her at a safe distance. "If you -don't hurry, I'll whip you anyway." Fear of the switch was evidently -mastering the dislike of the task. The little girl burst out crying, -turned down the dusty road, and disappeared in the direction of the -village.</p> - -<p>That incident was the result of government by collision. If that mother -had any principle at all, it might be expressed thus: Wait till the -child does wrong, then collide with her. Of course none of us would -deliberately collide in just this fashion. We should not be so vulgar. -When we have an altercation with a child, we choose less publicity and -have some regard for refinement of phrase. Perhaps, too, we ordinarily -avoid altercation entirely except concerning some grave matter. We -should prefer to do without canned salmon rather than exhibit our -impotence and our temper before the neighbors. When, however, we have -the child in seclusion at our mercy, are we deterred from trying the -collision<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span> method by any considerations of principle? If not, we belong -to the same school of parents as the young woman in a wrapper. The -only difference is that we have not her courage of conviction—or of -indolence.</p> - -<p>Now, those who believe in government by collision need read no further; -for I shall assume that such government is only just better than -no government at all, and that, if we fall into its methods, we do -so by accident or because of the frailty of our temper; that every -altercation with a child is a confession of weakness; and that our -principal task is to train ourselves so that we may be able to govern -a child without colliding with him. Of course, in the training of -children, as in managing a railway, it may sometimes be necessary to -occasion a disaster in order to avoid a great catastrophe. If a freight -car is running wild down a grade, it is better to throw it off the -track than to allow it to smash a loaded passenger train. So it may -sometimes be better to let a child collide with you, rather than<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> have -him collide with the community. But in both cases it is better to have -the collision well planned, to recognize it as a disaster, though the -lesser of two possible ones, and, best of all, to prevent any occasion -of resorting to destructive measures.</p> - -<p>The only alternative I know to government by collision is government by -habit. To show what I mean, may I cite an instance in contrast to the -episode of the switch and the canned salmon? That same summer a small -boy, six years old, was playing with his blocks. His mother in the next -room suddenly realized that she had not ordered the fruit that was -needed for the household. "Max!" she called. Now Max is no prig, but -he had learned that he was expected to come when called; so, with an -injunction to his playmates not to disturb the bridge he was building, -he appeared at the doorway. "What is it?" (He ought to have said, "Yes, -mamma;" but, as I have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span> remarked, Max is thoroughly human.) "I want -you to do an errand for me—something you've never done before. I want -you to go to the grocery and get six oranges." Max started off. "Wait -a moment. You've never gone alone on such a long errand before. Do you -believe you can do it quickly, and not dawdle?" Max thought he could, -and in fact did the errand as promptly as could be expected. He had -been accustomed to obedience; in addition, he had become accustomed to -accepting some measure of responsibility. The mother controlled him, -not by violence, but by habit. The occurrence was the result of a long -process, and became in turn a cause of future occurrences of similar -character. Reduced to its simplest terms, then, the process of training -children is the process of forming habits.</p> - -<p>The earliest habits are physical. The whole duty of man during the -first few weeks of his existence consists in <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>feeding and sleeping -regularly; and most of the rights of man during that period consist in -being let alone. Listen to the eminent French psychologist, Th. Ribot: -"The new-born infant is a spinal being, with an unformed, diffluent -brain, composed largely of water. Reflex life itself is not complete in -him, and the cortico-motor system only hinted at; the sensory centres -are undifferentiated, the associational systems remain isolated, for -a long time after birth." Doesn't it make you shudder to think of -dandling such a creature as that on a hard-gaited knee? Does not that -"unformed, diffluent brain, composed largely of water," plead to be -let alone? Yet the impulse of most parents when they encounter their -new possession is to do something to it,—to take it up, to carry it -about, and, as soon as its eyes are really open, to try and show it -things, to evoke from it some kind of human expression. It seems as if -we were all beset by a doubt that our offspring<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> is really a creature -of our own kind, and that we were bound to make it establish, by some -proof, its right to a place at the top of creation. Now, the instincts -of the infant are all in other directions. Yielding to these, the -mite seems to be utterly indifferent to the honors of its station -in animal life, and even to the attention it receives. It wants to -cry occasionally, to feed periodically, and to sleep a great deal. -And, in spite of our experience, we are wrong, and the diminutive -thing, with a cortico-motor system only hinted at, with sensory -centres undifferentiated, and with the extraordinary disadvantage of -having completely isolated associational centres, is right. The first -habits, therefore, which the parents have to form in the training of -their child are their own; and the most important of these is the -habit of non-interference, which is another name for the habit of -self-restraint. Fortunately, we parents can at the outset devote our -attention chiefly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> to this for several months. If we wish to avoid, -in later years, the necessity for resorting to government by spasm, -and to establish instead government by habit, we do not have to begin -by experimenting on a helpless child; we can begin, fortunately, by -experimenting on ourselves.</p> - -<p>It is during this period that we have the best chance of learning the -difference between governing children and interfering with them; for -though that midget will not thrive under interference, he will thrive -under government. He does not need to be told what to do, but he does -depend on us to teach him when to do it. While, therefore, we are -forming in ourselves the habit of non-interference, we are also forming -in him the habit of regularity. If we begin that way, we save both him -and ourselves a great deal of trouble.</p> - -<p>One mother, for instance, when she hears her baby cry, runs to him, -picks him up, dances him up and down, offers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> him food, dangles a bell -in front of him, talks to him, takes him to the window, tries every -imaginable device to quiet him. "It's wicked, I think," says she, "to -try to stifle my maternal instincts. The poor little dear! how could -I be so cruel as not to respond to his cry for me?" She is assuming -several things. She assumes, first, that the baby is crying for her, -whereas he is probably crying because he needs the exercise. That is -the only way he can expand his lungs. When he cries because of pain, -or anger, or nervous irritability, the cry will be unmistakable; -and the response ought to be, not a wild series of spasms, but an -intelligent treatment of the cause. She assumes, in the second place, -that the impulse to rid herself of the annoyance of hearing the cry is -a maternal instinct. If that were so, a lot of gruff old bachelors on -railway trains are frequently moved by maternal instinct. The maternal -instinct, in fact, is something quite<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> different—it is the instinct of -care, watchfulness, nurture, and it does not call for spasms. In the -third place, she assumes that it would be cruel not to experiment with -her child—at least so it appears; for what she does is to try in quick -succession a series of experiments, no one of which is continued long -enough to be of any value, and all of which, as she might easily learn, -have been proved to be of no permanent value in producing placid, -contented babies.</p> - -<p>The other mother, when she hears the cry, listens. If it is a cry of -pain, she knows it in an instant. It is amazing how quickly a mother -learns that language. It is a mystery to most men, though even to -them not unsearchable. Physicians, after experience in children's -wards, understand it; and even a father, if he is patient, can -acquire a moderate knowledge of it. But a mother, or even a nurse, -if she is moved by a genuine maternal instinct and not by a selfish<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> -desire for her own comfort, is almost an adept at the start. At the -cry of pain, that mother in a moment is looking for the misplaced -pin, or rearranging the irritating bit of clothing, or remedying the -uncomfortable position, or searching for a more hidden cause. If it -is a cry of irritability, she blames herself for having rocked the -child a few moments before, and steels herself against repeating the -indulgence. If it is a cry of hunger, she looks at the clock to see -if it is the hour for another feeding. If it is just "plain cry," -she smiles, for she knows that he is doing that in lieu of playing -baseball or riding horseback. When it is meal-time, she, exercising the -discretion which he is not always able to exercise for himself, gently -withdraws the food supply when he has had all that is good for him. And -when it is time for him to go to sleep, she arranges him comfortably in -his crib, darkens the room, and leaves him. If then he emits another -"plain cry," she is not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> disturbed. He has as much a right to cry as -he has to sleep. If she lets him go to sleep in her arms, for the love -of feeling him there, she will not complain later, when it is more -inconvenient, if he remonstrates against going to sleep in any other -way. She will know that in that respect, as in respect to his regular -feeding, she has governed him by habit. Either she will have to pay the -penalty of having established in her kingdom an inconvenient law, or -else she will have to inflict upon him, as well as herself, the penalty -of establishing later, and at greater cost, another and more convenient -custom which might just as well have been established in the first -place. This penalty may involve a collision—though possibly a mild -one. Even in that case, however, in the very difficulty of supplanting -an old custom by a new one, she will have evidence of the strength of -her government by habit.</p> - -<p>There is no reason why regularity once<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> established should not become -for all future years a routine. We all know how hard it is to break up -a bad habit. Happily, it is just as hard to break up a good one. The -difference between the child who teases for every new variety of food -on the table, pushes away the dishes that are set before him, whines -when he is told it is bedtime, eats and goes to sleep only after much -coaxing, and the child who accepts his food and his hours for sleep -as a matter of course, as he accepts the house he lives in, is simply -the difference between a bad habit and a good one. It is no easier to -change the one habit than it is the other. After a child has learned -to get his food and go to bed with whining and teasing, it is very -difficult for him to learn to eat and sleep in any other fashion; it -is equally difficult for a child who has learned to eat and enjoy food -adapted to him, and to go to bed at a suitable hour, to understand -why all sorts of strange decoctions should be offered to him, and -why he should not<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> get undressed when his bedtime comes. Of course -the spirit of adventure, which is strong in most normal children, -will lead them sometimes to sample some things that they see their -elders—or, for that matter, the animals—eating; and to race about -the halls, exploring the domain of the dark, after they are supposed -to be asleep; but even this spirit of adventure, which sometimes -brings discouragement to the mother, is a tribute to regular life; and -it is denied to those children whose whole life consists in a series -of parental experiments. The little lad who at a children's party -declines the sweetmeats is no angel. Nor is his companion, who grabs -the dainties an imp. They are both, like the rest of us, creatures -of habit. The theory of total depravity, by which our forefathers -explained the unpleasant doings of youngsters, is, I have concluded, a -doctrine which parents devised in order to shift the burden of their -own failures to the shoulders of their offspring.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span></p> - -<p>This practice of regularity in the physical care of children<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> will -lay the foundation, not only of health and contentment, but also -of moral discipline. When we have eliminated the opportunities for -collision with our children at meal-times and bedtime, we are well -on our way toward eliminating government by collision altogether. -The quiet exercise of authority involved in carrying out a simple -regimen of diet and of rest will almost automatically extend to other -matters. The most difficult part of this exercise of authority will be -overcome when the parent learns self-restraint. Not to run to a child<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span> -every time he cries is the beginning of learning not to yield to a -child every time he wants something. In many cases authority is thus -exercised by doing nothing. The mother, for example, has left the baby -creeping about alone in his nursery. She has left him a ball and two -or three blocks with which he can experiment, and another ball hanging -from a cord within his reach which he can swing to and fro. He is -learning that the ball is soft and can roll, that the blocks are hard -and cannot roll, and that the pendulum swings regularly. He is as well -occupied in his work as the mother is in hers. Suddenly she hears a cry -of vexation. If it continues, she steps to the door to see what has -happened. He has raised himself up by the window and is trying to reach -the tassel at the end of the cord on the window-shade, and finds it -above his outstretched hands. She might go to the window, draw down the -shade, and, holding it firm, let him play with the cord till he tires; -but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> she knows that it would be inconvenient to have him continually -playing with the window-shade in the house, and she does not want him -to begin. She might then take him up and distract his attention till -he forgets. But she knows that if she does this once, she will be -called upon to do it again. So she shakes her head and says "No," which -she has taught him to understand, and, after making sure that he is -in no danger of a fall, leaves him and returns to her work. By doing -nothing she has done what for the time being is the hardest thing. As -she closes the door she hears another wail of vexation, but she does -not interfere. She has exercised her authority simply by exercising -self-restraint.</p> - -<p>It all depends on what we want our children to be whether we employ -the method of spasm or the method of self-restraint. Of course those -of us who think pertness in a child is a virtue, who regard a fit -of teasing as "smart" or "cunning," who<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span> enjoy the exhilaration of -encountering a child as an adversary and breaking down his opposition, -can develop in children habitual pertness, teasing, and disobedience -with the utmost ease. It requires, however, no especial genius to -avoid these qualities. Other traits, it may be, require something like -genius—something at least beyond persistence and self-restraint—to -create; but to provide children with a contented acquiescence in a -regular life and an habitual disposition to obedience requires of the -parents no qualities of mind which are not common to all of us mortals.</p> - -<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> For directions in this matter I know of no book to -compare with Dr. L. Emmett Holt's <i>The Care and Feeding of Children</i>, -published by D. Appleton & Co. Intelligently followed by a mother, -with due regard to the individual peculiarities of the children under -her care, the system outlined in that volume will save the mother an -enormous amount of energy and worry and the child a great deal of -injustice. It ought to arrive in every household with the first-born -baby, or, better, a few weeks in advance. The physician who sees that -it does, in every family he attends, will win a wealth of gratitude and -confidence. In my own household it came that way. As a supplement, not -a substitute, I also recommend Dr. Emelyn L. Coolidge's <i>The Mother's -Manual</i> (A. S. Barnes & Co.)</p></div></div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>II</span> <span class="smaller">THE WILL AND THE WAY</span></h2> - -<p>Parents regard their children with all sorts of feelings, with love -of course, with indulgence, with amusement, and even, so it is said, -with self-complacency and admiration; but it sometimes seems as if very -few regard them with respect. No one who respects another will lie to -him, or visit him with empty threats, or make to him vain promises; -yet fathers and mothers in all parts of the country are at this moment -lying to their children, threatening them with punishments they do not -mean to inflict, and making promises they do not intend to fulfill. -The faith of a child ought to be proverbial. It is the only substance -of things hoped for which many children ever get. I sometimes wonder -if it is really just to lay the Fifth Commandment upon all American -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span>children. Somehow, there seems to be something reciprocal implied -in it. If that commandment is of universal application, it can be -considered so, I imagine, only on the ground that it states a duty -owed ultimately not to the parents but to the Almighty. Certainly that -parent who does not respect his children has no personal claim upon -their honor.</p> - -<p>What I mean by respect for a child I can perhaps explain best by an -instance. Marshall, aged seven, had yielded to temptation in the form -of a preserved pear. Instead of putting the temptation behind him, -he had put it within him; and he had been caught. The maternal court -decided that a fair equivalent for this pear was a week of desserts. -For two days the culprit sat inactive at the close of dinner while his -comrades ate with relish their portions of pudding. Then unexpectedly -came an invitation to dinner from a friend. On the return homeward an -aunt remarked, "I noticed that <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span>Marshall ate dessert with the others." -"Yes," replied his mother, "I think he must have forgotten. I noticed -it too, but I did not speak to him because there was no expectation of -this treat when the punishment was determined upon. Besides, I do not -think it would have been just to add to his punishment by humiliating -him before the others."</p> - -<p>In this case respect for the youthful Marshall meant, first, -attributing the failure to observe the rule to something besides -deliberate intent; second, recognizing that he was to be treated not -merely with severity, but also with justice; and, third, appreciating -the individuality of the child, which included special sensitiveness -to the attention and opinion of others. The very fact that Marshall -was accustomed to regularity of discipline, to invariableness in -punishment, and even to ridicule of vanity or silliness, made it -possible for his mother to do something that smacked of irregularity -and of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span>variableness, and to save him from unnecessary abasement. -Just because she had a rule which she habitually followed, she could -break it. She could not have broken it if she had not had it. The -effectiveness of this act of omission lay in the very fact that it was -an exception. It was a case in which fairness to the boy depended upon -inconsistency. This only illustrates the truth that in dealing with a -child you may violate any principle so long as you keep your respect -for the child inviolate. And the secret of respect for a child lies in -regarding him as a human being.</p> - -<p>The limitation of the devotee of "child study," the scientific -investigator of "child nature," the observer of "the child mind," -is that he cannot regard a child as a human being. In other words, -his limitation consists in being too broad. He observes individuals -only for the sake of disregarding their individuality. He is busy -establishing some general laws of childhood. He must choose to know -nothing of children<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> that he may know the Child. As soon as he begins -to respect an individual child he becomes personal and biased; and as -soon as he becomes personal and biased he ceases to be scientific. A -good mother, on the other hand, is good just because of her prejudices. -She knows so much about her child that her testimony is scientifically -worthless. In everything the child does she sees something he, and not -another child has done before; and she makes her judgments accordingly. -And it is just because her observations would be vicious in a table of -statistics that they are the best possible basis for conduct. In other -words, she is dealing, not with a subject, a cadaver, so to speak, that -can be classified, but with a live being that for her purposes belongs -in a class by himself. That is what I mean by respecting a child.</p> - -<p>It is here that the teacher and the parent are at odds. The teacher -is dealing with childhood, the parent is dealing with Dick-hood or -Mary-hood. The teacher is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> engaged chiefly in providing each child with -the equipment that belongs by right to all civilized children; the -parent, on the other hand, is bound to bring each child to his, and -not another's, highest development. The teacher is responsible for the -school or the class; the parent, for the boy or girl. The difference in -point of view makes the difference in duty. It was from the parental -point of view that the ancient sage wrote his proverb—"Train up a -child in the way he should go." He was not thinking of the way of -universal obligation, for what he really said was, "Train up a child -in the way he [that particular individual] is to go;" in other words, -prepare him for the kind of life for which he is fitted. In order -to do this, one must have regard for that child's temperament, his -distinctive traits.</p> - -<p>The severest test of our respect for a child comes when we find his -will conflicting with ours. It is easy enough to overbear a child's -will; it is difficult to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> educate it. The hardest task of a parent is -to retain respect for a child while administering a spanking. It is -easy to roll out the cant saying, "I spank you because I love you," but -it is very difficult to bring one's self into that frame of mind in -which it would be the mere truth to say, "I spank you because I respect -you." Anybody, by simply being persistent, can thwart a child; and any -one with the ordinary strength of an adult can beat him; but no one who -is unwilling to do him the courtesy of regarding him as an individual -can master and direct a child, or really punish him.</p> - -<p>Not long ago I was traveling in a day coach. In front of me were a -man, a woman, and a small boy of about five years. The woman was the -dominant member of the group. Her face, with its thin, compressed -lips and its hard gray eyes, had a look of indolent selfishness with -a suggestion of latent high temper. The man seemed rather dull, weak, -and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> unhappy. The boy had the rotund, insensitive countenance of his -father; but he had not yet lost interest in life. He was no more -restless than a boy of his age ought to be. When his mother found -his movements disturbing, she darted a rebuke at him. For the moment -he sat still or moved out of the way. Finally he edged out into the -aisle. The woman made a pretense of ordering him back into the seat. -The boy, evidently realizing that his mother, since she was now put to -no inconvenience by him, had no intention of enforcing her command, -remained passively where he was. When his mother's attention was -distracted, he made use of his freedom to get a little mild gymnastic -exercise. The train as it drew up to a station jerkily stopped. The -lurch of the car threw the boy backward on the floor. Stunned for but -an instant, the little lad sent forth a wail. Some of the passengers -turned around; others started forward to the child. The woman was -obviously annoyed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span> by the disturbance. Before the father had fairly -picked him up, she seized the child, roughly brushed off his clothes, -and set him violently down on the seat. "You're a bad boy." She spat -the words out at him and shook him. She turned to her husband: "I told -him not to stand there." The man was silenced before his dull wits -allowed him the chance to speak. "Now," to the boy, "stop your crying." -The youngster could not repress his sobs; he was still somewhat dazed. -The man gently rubbed the back of the lad's head. The woman glanced at -the spectators. She must have noticed that her method of avoiding a -scene was not altogether successful. She leaned toward the boy. "Did -you hurt yourself?" she asked, and took him into her lap. He let his -head fall indifferently on the woman's shoulder. Her tardy and rather -formal caresses aroused no response. She put him back on the seat, less -ungently than before. "Now will you be good?"</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> - -<p>If any but the fool is ever tempted to doubt the existence of God, -it is when he reflects that children are intrusted to the mercy of -such women as this. None of us is of her breed. We do not like her -coarseness. We should never allow ourselves to make the mistake she -made—of being found out. She was too frank with her emotions. She had -not the skill to conceal the springs of her conduct. What difference, -at bottom, however, is there between her and us when we are governed, -in disciplining a child, by the degree of our own displeasure? Every -one of us has been, on occasions, at heart as incompetent as this -vulgar female. We have all of us judged children, at one time and -another, by their conformity to our will. A very good woman it was, -of the straitest New England doctrines, who sent a boy supperless to -bed because, while putting on his overcoat, he accidentally toppled -over and smashed a prized vase. That boy is now a man gray<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span> with years -and laden with honors; but to this day he has not forgotten the fact -that he was made to suffer, not for his own fault, but for his aunt's -disappointment.</p> - -<p>The only thing that will free us from the futile way of the ogreish -woman on the railway car and the austere Puritan lady is an abiding -respect for our children. This will save us from attributing to our -children our own willfulness! To be authoritative with children -is something else besides being opinionated. The opinionated may -compel obedience; but only the authoritative secure it. And even the -opinionated find obedience not easy of compulsion. When caprice assumes -command, I have a sly conviction that disobedience becomes a virtue. -Preliminary to teaching children how to obey is the process of learning -how to command. When a child is intransigent, it is worth while to -consider whether it is not he that is administering a rebuke.</p> - -<p>Sometimes resistance to even rightful<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span> authority is not as depraved as -we, who do not fancy being resisted, delude ourselves into thinking. -There comes the time when any child will exult at the discovery that -he is a being apart. He naturally wants to measure his will, and his -mother's or his father's will is the handiest standard of comparison. -A test of that sort is sometimes disconcerting. A five-year-old, too -much given to sliding down from his chair at meal-time, was warned -by his father that whenever in the future he should leave his chair, -he should not be allowed to return to the table. Soon afterwards the -boy disappeared from his place. He had evidently renewed his slippery -ways, and had made up his mind to lurk beneath the table and await -results. Intent upon the enforcement of the decree, his father said -sternly, "You may be excused." Forthwith a head of tousled hair was -thrust above the level of the table. "But I didn't leave my chair." -Sure enough, there he lay prone across the seat,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> like a bag of meal -on an ass's back. His father had to find what scant refuge he could in -the permissive form of his sentence of dismissal. The lad's wits had -won a victory for his will. Those who enter such an engagement without -reconnoitring must accept the risk, and, if they wish to preserve the -advantage of a commanding position, must abide by the results of any -such skirmish. To turn it into a battle of wills is to commit the -blunder of underestimating their opponent's strength. A child's will is -not a fragile thing. It is not "broken" when it is overcome by another -will reinforced by physical strength. An old lady of Maine, now gone to -her own place,—which I venture to say is not far from that of Luther -and Knox and Jonathan Edwards,—once told me how, when a small girl, -she had had her will broken; she recounted the passionate resistance, -the screaming protestation, the convulsive and futile rage exhausted -only by hours of kicking and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> pounding the floor, and her final -capitulation, announced by her picking up the toy which, in defiance -of her father's order, she had at first refused to touch. She gloried -in this Spartan training, and deplored the lack of it in the present -degenerate generation. It was this same old lady, with the "broken" -will, who, rejecting all advances, stanchly maintained her side in a -family feud to, I believe, her dying day. Her will, it is plain, had -not even been cracked; it showed not so much as a suture; neither had -it been trained. The only treatment it had received had been one of -contumely. The old lady was not exactly to blame for the outcome.</p> - -<p>If we respect a child's will, we shall give it a chance to operate. We -do not thereby surrender a pea's weight of authority. A certain young -mother, let us say, believes that there is a sort of unselfishness -that has no part in love: she will not relieve her children of effort -and responsibility.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> One of her brood, a lad of seven, with a touch -of dreaminess in his mobile face, with impatience of the material -restraints of time and space, with a will of his own that is the harder -to direct because it is seldom aggressive, is engaged in propelling a -vast tow of block barges along the river that winds across the nursery -floor. Of his companions, one is umpiring a game of football between -teams of leaden soldiers, and the other is constructing a fearsome -dungeon ten blocks deep. At the door appears Authority. "It is now four -o'clock," she announces. "At a quarter past four I want to have all the -blocks and toys put away." The football umpire and the dungeon-builder, -sniffing a prospective treat, bring their operations to an abrupt -close. The lad of dreams listens abstractedly, and then turns with -great puffing and snorting to his labors of navigation. Inattention? -Partly; but partly, too, a deliberate choice of present pleasure and -a willful rejection of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> words of authority. Ten, eleven, twelve -minutes pass. Again sounds the authoritative voice. "In three minutes -it will be a quarter past four. I shall want you then to begin to wash -and dress for a drive. Eric, I am afraid you won't be able to go with -us; your blocks are not put away." She might, of course, justly tell -him then and there that he will not be allowed to go; she chooses, -however, the better way, and lets him wrestle with the situation. -"You had better not stop to cry," she warns him; "there is no time to -waste." In fractious misery he hurriedly begins his belated task. His -will, so far from being broken or weakened, is actually stiffened; but -it is now enlisted on the side of authority. The others—not a whit -more virtuous, by the way, but only more sagacious—are half dressed -before he has put his blocks in order. If he fails to overtake them, he -will stand disconsolate, abject, perhaps tempestuous, and watch them -depart. He has had his way, but he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> has won no victory; he has simply -learned the cost of willfulness. If he succeeds in overtaking them, he -will not have lost his lesson. His mother, it is true, will not exactly -have had her way; but she reckons that no loss, as her way was not her -end; she will have enlisted his will. The victory which the boy will -have won is not over her. The only antagonist he has had is himself. -Because of her respect for him, he will now have a new respect for -himself and for her. He is on the road to acquiring the will to obey.</p> - -<p>If it had been one of the other two who had disobeyed, her course -might have been different. A sullen, recalcitrant will, open-eyed, -calculating, defiant, might easily suggest a different treatment. "You -have chosen your leaden soldiers; now leaden soldiers it shall be. -Since you did not make your duty your choice, then I shall arrange -matters so that your choice shall be your duty. Nothing but leaden -soldiers till we return." Such a variation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> in the treatment of -children smacks not in the least of partiality. It simply means that -respect for the child has involved respect for his individuality. The -maxim, Let the punishment fit the crime, may express a principle of -action useful for the government of a State or of a school; but for -the purposes of the home it should be altered so as to read, Let the -punishment fit the child.</p> - -<p>This ought to be the answer whenever that question arises that still -serves the purpose of discussion in the correspondence columns of the -newspapers, Is corporal punishment defensible? The conventional answer -nowadays is, No. This is supposed to betoken the benignant mind. Any -other answer nowadays classifies one as an autocratic brute. It seems -to be assumed that corporal punishment must necessarily be administered -in the jaunty spirit of the Chinese proverb which runs: "A cloudy -day—leisure to beat the children." Real tenderness of heart,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span> so -runs the accepted modern doctrine, forbids the infliction of physical -pain. In all these discussions, however, one consideration seems to be -ignored—a decent respect for children. To one who is governed by this -consideration, there is only one answer to the question, Do you believe -in spanking a child? That answer is comprised in another question, What -child? It is not necessary to go as far as Menander, who declared, "He -who is not flogged is not educated," to be convinced that a good many -children have been deprived of their rights because they have never -been spanked.</p> - -<p>There was once a little girl who could never forget the indignity -she suffered in a spanking she had received. She grew up with her -mind resolutely set against all corporal punishment. In the course of -time she was married and had two children. With one of them she had -no problems of discipline; but with the other, a daughter, she had -problems that taxed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> her wits to the utmost. At times the little girl -seemed verily possessed. At last, in desperation, this harassed mother, -driven into recreancy to her own principle, resorted to the form of -chastisement she had forsworn. The effect was instantaneous. The child -was relieved, as it were, from herself. With some temperaments in some -moods the rod is like the wand of a magician. The childish petulance, -the outburst of temper, the streak of almost malicious perversity, is -but the child's way of expressing his quarrel with himself; and when -the sharp physical pain comes, it seems to announce the subjugation of -an enemy. In a household there are three children. One, sensitive to -physical pain, shrivels and warps at the very prospect of it; a second -is deterred from no act by the fear of it, and is altered not a whit by -the memory of it; the third seems to find in it the comforting sense -of being mastered at those times when he is out of sorts with himself, -and <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>responds to it with renewed affection and restored sweetness of -temper. For the mother of that trio academic discussions on corporal -punishment are not only uninteresting—they are positively irritating. -She has paid her children the decent respect of considering their -temperaments.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>III</span> <span class="smaller">BY RULE OF WIT</span></h2> - -<p>At a dinner-table one evening, a man who was interested in his own -children stated a rule by which he made sure that no child of his would -disobey him. The rule is infallible. He remarked to his companion:—</p> - -<p>"I never give a command to my children."</p> - -<p>"What do you do?" he was asked.</p> - -<p>"I tell them stories."</p> - -<p>That expresses a perfectly intelligible policy: Abdicate, and you will -never have a disobedient child. You will also never have an obedient -one. The fact that the man who made this statement was an Anarchist -explains his theory. He regarded obedience not as a virtue, but as -a defect. He was altogether consistent. A disbeliever in government -for society,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span> he declined to establish any government for his family. -In place of government, however, he at least took pains to establish -something else. This was a systematic appeal to the child's imagination.</p> - -<p>If one had to choose between government and influence over -children through the imagination, there might be some reason for -discarding government. As a matter of fact, however, the use of the -imagination, so far from being antagonistic to effective government, -is indispensable to it. The reason why we parents so often fail in -securing obedience, and, what is more important still, in developing -in our children the spirit of obedience, is that we are deficient in -imagination—or at least that what imagination we have is untrained.</p> - -<p>In this faculty in which we are weak, children are strong. A little -four-year-old I know, in making letters for his own amusement, -frequently attaches arms and legs to them; it is his way of -pictorially<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> representing the animation he ascribes to them. Indeed, -he sometimes goes so far as to transfer in mind these limbs to the -object which the letters spell. Thus, he laboriously prints the letters -P-I-G, adds to each letter a lively pair of legs, and exclaims: "See, -the pig is running!" Mental processes like that, complicated though it -is, are common with children. A child left alone in the nursery with -his blocks will find them transformed into trains, steamboats, people, -trees, animals, whatever he wills. In this picturesque form imagination -may be called fancy; but it has many other phases. Imagination is an -element in memory. Ability to recall a sound requires imagination. -When, for instance, a child repeats a word he has heard some one use, -his imagination has enabled him to summon up the sound of that word. -Imagination is an element in emulation. When a child is trying to outdo -another, or outdo his own past performances, he has to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> picture to his -mind what he or his competitor has done and what the desirable outcome -of the struggle would be. Imagination is an element even in fear and -hope. When a child dreads a punishment or eagerly awaits a reward, it -is his imagination that gives him the power to anticipate.</p> - -<p>Like every other instinct, imagination needs training. We all carry -about with us a menagerie of instincts. Some of them have been -ill-treated. In what a pitiable shape is the dyspeptic's food instinct! -It has died of over-indulgence, and its corpse mocks him at every -meal. The instinct of fighting has been given a bad name, and in many -a well-conducted menagerie is kept chained; but it has been known to -survive the most rigorous repression, and to spring out with most -abounding vitality in the midst of a meeting on behalf of peace. We -have learned to avoid those people whose instinct of curiosity is -not bridle-wise;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> and we all have recourse at times to those who -have nourished, groomed, and trained their play instinct. The fact -is, that the process of education consists largely in transforming -these instincts of ours, which in their original state are wild and -unmanageable, into domesticated and useful habits.</p> - -<p>Now, imagination is a vigorous beast. Its youthful antics are very -picturesque and amusing; it is sometimes whimsical and troublesome; but -it can be made of the greatest service. Indeed, for all kinds of work, -I know of no species of instinct which I would more highly recommend. -As a draught animal it is indefatigable; and nothing else can take its -place for pleasure-driving. Yet I have heard of a private school for -young women from which all fairy books are excluded, on the ground -that a girl's imagination needs repression. Like some other instincts, -imagination cannot be altogether repressed, though it can be tamed and -guided. If it<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> is left boxed up and wild, it is apt to break out and -take a canter through dangerous regions. Since, then, we cannot take a -child's imagination from him, and we run into peril if we neglect it, -the profitable course is to show him how to break it to harness and -make it serve him.</p> - -<p>We cannot do this, however, unless we have paid some attention to the -training of our own imagination. As a wild young colt will trot about -beside its dam, so a child's imagination will readily follow that of an -older person. But the two must be at least in the same lot. If we are -going to appeal to a child's imagination in teaching him how to obey, -we must exercise some imagination in giving commands. We thus come -upon that recurrent principle that the chief task in the training of -children is the training of ourselves.</p> - -<p>That imagination may be used in maintaining strictness of discipline -seems to some to be almost a contradiction in terms. It seems like -invoking an imp<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> of dreams to assist in adding up a column of figures. -In many minds imagination suggests dreaminess, wool-gathering, -waywardness, irresponsibility. That is one reason why we parents who -like to be obeyed, who are inclined to believe that it is a virtue -to be dictatorial, and who sometimes confuse our own will with the -immutable principles of righteousness, so often fall into error. -To a child there is nothing more serious, nothing more real and -regular, than the products of his imagination, and nothing more vague, -whimsical, irregular, than the unexplained orders which he receives -from grown people. If we wish to impress a child with the seriousness -and reality of our authority, we had better put our imagination into -condition.</p> - -<p>There were two small boys in a town of the Middle West. Active, -spirited, mischievous, and in other respects healthy, these two -tads—the younger about four years old, I believe—gave their father<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> -and mother much concern. One day an old drill-sergeant established -in the neighborhood a class for boys, and in a short time received -these two as pupils. The transformation was sudden. The boys were -soldiers. Happily, their mother was imaginative. They were therefore -soldiers not merely in the class, but also at home. The standards of -conduct put before them, the punishments dealt out to them, and the -rewards bestowed upon them were such as befitted defenders of the -home. Obedience, promptness, chivalry, order, courage, regularity, -honor, truthfulness, were not unreasonable qualities to expect from -such as they. When one of these warriors was absent without leave -for the greater part of a day—in other words, ran away—it was not -inappropriate that he should be kept in solitary confinement on -short rations. The discipline meted out to those youngsters was, -from any point of view, severe. Even corporal punishment, which, as -ordinarily applied,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span> is crudely devoid of the imaginative element, -became measurably glorified; it was a part of the hardship which they -were called upon to endure as good soldiers. Of course this régime -was accompanied with plenty of instruction in military traditions -and practices. A constant visitor to that household has found in the -manliness and good breeding of these children a source of amazed -gratification. In another family, who had no access to a drill-sergeant -with a streak of poetry, a somewhat different method has been in vogue. -The boys in that family do not belong, as it were, to the regular -army, but rather to the militia. They are not always under a military -régime, but are liable to a summons at any time. When they hear the -command, "Fall in," they know they are expected to stand in line and -await orders. In the absence of their parents, they know that the older -person left in charge is their commanding officer; and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> upon their -parents' return they know that they will be called upon to fall into -line, salute, and report to their father. Each is supposed to report -any infraction of discipline which he himself—not his comrades—has -committed. No punishment is administered as a result of such report, -except for deliberate concealment. Each also reports some especial -pleasure he has had. A good report is followed by formal and official -congratulation. A reminder in the form of a sign, marked "Remember -the Report," and placed in a conspicuous position in the nursery, has -helped to train and direct their imagination. Since the report includes -a record of enjoyments as well as of offenses, this reminder is not so -threatening as to many people it would seem. Indeed, the proposal that -such a sign be used met with instant approval from the young militiamen.</p> - -<p>Those who object to tin soldiers as toys will have little patience with -this metamorphosis of real children into <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span>creatures of militarism. -Very well, let them be monks instead, or members of a labor union, or -railway employees, or idealized legislators, or even honest policemen, -anything that will not put too great a strain on the imagination—of -the adults. The point is simply that the exercise of the strictest -authority over children is compatible with the most lavish use of the -imagination.</p> - -<p>There is nothing necessarily soft or flabby about the imaginative life. -There is no special reason why little children should be afflicted -with continual talk about the dear little birdies or the sweet little -flowers. Indeed, the natural taste of children seems to be attracted in -the opposite direction. One small boy, when he inquired about a bloody -Bible picture, and was put off with the explanation that it was not a -pleasant story, expressed the views of many of his age when, looking up -angelically, he exclaimed with ecstasy, "I like to hear about horrid -things."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> - -<p>Even the rod can, as I have suggested, be used imaginatively. A small -boy who is well acquainted with the story of the Israelites in Egypt -has invoked its aid. He is not overburdened with a sense of moral -responsibility. One day, when he was dawdling over his task of changing -his shoes and stockings, it was suggested that his father be an -Egyptian and he be an Israelitish slave. He joyfully acquiesced. His -father took the tip of a bamboo fishing-rod as badge of authority and -stood by. In a few moments the boy was dawdling. A slight rap over the -shins recalled him to his duty. There was no complaint; for he knew it -was the business of the overseer to keep the slave at his task. His -shoes and stockings were changed in a very much shorter time than was -customary; and he contemplated his finished work with satisfaction. A -few days later, when he had a similar task to perform, he proposed of -his own accord a repetition of the <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span>performance; and carried out his -part with spirit. When we adults remember how much we rely upon some -outside stimulus to keep us at our work—the need of money, the esteem -of our neighbors, the fear of disease, the mandate of the law—we -ought to be able to understand the reason why such an appeal to the -imagination as this acted as a reinforcement of the boy's will, and -therefore, by very reason of its disciplinary character, was actually -welcomed.</p> - -<p>Two other boys similarly acquainted with the experiences of Israel in -Egypt contrived an application of one of those experiences to their -own case. They had several times been thrilled by the account of the -exciting race between the Israelites and the Egyptians to the Red Sea, -and had repeatedly found relief in the safe arrival of the Israelites -on the other side and the literally overwhelming defeat of the cruel -army of Pharaoh. One evening their mother was engaged in washing<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> -the supper dishes, and they were engaged, as usual, in helping her -by wiping the silver. On several occasions they had been so little -intent on their work that their mother had finished all the washing -and had wiped the china and glassware before they had wiped and put -away the silver. This evening one of them suddenly became seized with -a fancy. His mother was the Egyptian army and he and his comrade were -the host of Israel. When the last fork had rattled into its place and -the silver-drawer was shut, what a shout of joy arose! The Egyptians -had been outdistanced; the Israelites were safe. After that, when there -were signs of inattention, the warning cry, "The Egyptians are coming!" -would rouse them into instant and happy action. Now those children -usually do this work rapidly. They have formed in themselves a valuable -habit.</p> - -<p>That was not a device. It was the exemplification of a principle. A -habit,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> I suppose, can be beaten into a child; but it is more lasting -as well as more wholesome if it has been created, in part at least, by -the child's own will; and it is the imagination, charged as it is with -feeling, which can most surely summon the will into activity.</p> - -<p>The difference between ignoring this principle and recognizing it may -be illustrated by contrasting two concrete instances. In the one case -the mother appears at the nursery door.</p> - -<p>"Look at this room!" she exclaims; "it is very untidy." She thus puts -the brand of disapproval upon disorder. "All the blocks and toys must -be put away and you must be all washed for supper by six o'clock; and -you have so much to do, you must begin at once."</p> - -<p>"But I want to build this house."</p> - -<p>"No; you must begin now." This is for the purpose, the mother explains -to herself, of preparing the child to meet the harsh demands of an -unfeeling world.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> - -<p>She notes that the child begins listlessly to pick up some of the -scattered blocks, one by one, and drop them into the box where they -are kept. After an absence of several minutes she returns. She sees -but little change, although the child is hastily putting some toys -away. She is aware, however, that this activity started only when her -footfall sounded in the hall.</p> - -<p>"If those things are not all in their places on time, I shall have to -punish you."</p> - -<p>The mother is vexed, the child is unhappy and rebellious. A daily -experience of this sort may result finally in some kind of habit in -the child; but only at great cost of effort to the mother, and at the -sacrifice of much of the normal relationship between the two.</p> - -<p>Another mother appears at the door of the nursery.</p> - -<p>"In five minutes it will be time to begin to put away the blocks -and toys," she announces, thus giving some time<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> for the builder to -complete operations. Then she asks, "What are you going to be this -evening?"</p> - -<p>"I think I'll be Michael bringing the wood to the wood-box for the -fire."</p> - -<p>In five minutes she calls: "Michael, I want all the wood put into the -wood-box."</p> - -<p>The builder is now transformed for the time being into Michael. He has -seen the lusty Irishman carry great armfuls of wood, and his own frail -arms assume new dignity. He gathers the blocks by the dozen, and as he -lets them fall, kerplunk, into the box, he sees great logs falling into -place. In a few moments his mother reappears.</p> - -<p>"You have been working hard, Michael, haven't you? I think you will -have the wood in its place in plenty of time. How much better the room -looks without those logs of wood lying all about! You can carry a good -many logs at once, can't you?"</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> - -<p>Repeated every day, this process will inevitably develop into a habit -of orderliness. The regularity of the process is not in the least -impaired by the fact that one evening it assumes the form of stacking -up firewood, another evening of bringing in bags of coal to the cellar, -another evening of loading merchandise on to a vessel. It is the same -will that directs Michael, and the coal man, and the stevedore, and it -is the same brain that receives the repeated impression of promptness -and good order. In each case, whether it is Michael, or the coal man, -or the stevedore, the workman is doing his task under orders; he is -subject to authority. And if Michael, or the coal man, or the stevedore -fails to do his duty, it is not inappropriate that he should suffer -a penalty. Of course it will be more effective if the penalty can be -made suitable to the character. Whether it is made suitable or not -will depend largely upon the imagination of the person<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> in authority. -As a rule, however, the spirit of such a process as that which I have -illustrated is less that of discipline than of instruction, or perhaps -more accurately, the spirit of discipline through instruction. It -is, in fact, just because instruction plays so large a part in the -government of children that those in authority need to have constant -recourse to their imagination.</p> - -<p>Deficiency in imagination is exhibited by parents not merely in their -relation to their children, but quite as frequently in the relation -between husband and wife. Criticism of the one by the other in the -presence of the children can be accounted for, as a rule, only by a -defective imagination. If the critic could be put for a moment in -the place of the child who has heard the reproof, he would be amazed -at discovering how he had weakened not only the mother's authority, -but also his own. In a certain household, let us say, the mother is -strongly of the opinion that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> it is injurious for the children to eat -anything between meals; the father, however, scouts the idea, and -actually keeps, in his pocket, sweetmeats for which he invites the -children to search. If he had imagination enough to look into his -own children's minds, he would be mortified at what he would see. -Parents at cross-purposes are simply exhibiting their own stupidity. -Without imagination, therefore, there can be only the most ineffective -government in the family.</p> - -<p>It is surprising, on the other hand, how the exercise of the -imagination will clear away many perplexing difficulties in discipline; -for in the light of the imagination many of these difficulties are seen -to be problems in moral instruction. Let me illustrate.</p> - -<p>The boys whom I have already described as militiamen were left by their -parents, for a day, in charge of a competent nurse. When they were -called upon to report in the customary military fashion<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span> concerning -their behavior, they all confessed to certain offenses involving the -marring of property.</p> - -<p>"Would you have done that if mamma or I had been there?" their father -asked.</p> - -<p>"No," was the reply.</p> - -<p>"Then you sneaked on us."</p> - -<p>That word "sneaked" was apparently new to them; it upset their gravity. -The entire company, including the commander, was soon convulsed. What -could be done? The case could not be allowed to end thus. Finally, -after some degree of order was restored, the commander proposed that -they all take turns in sneaking on one another. The plan which was -accepted with enthusiasm was this: Two of the boys were to leave the -room; then the third, in their absence, was to find some precious -possession of each of the two and destroy it. No sooner, however, -were the victims in another room than they raised a vigorous protest. -As this was to be not a punishment but an experiment,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> the protest -was heeded. The tables were turned; one of the victims was appointed -executioner, and the executioner took the place of victim. After -several trials it was proved that nobody wished to have his property -destroyed. They thus learned that, however much fun it was to sneak -on some one else, they did not wish any one else to sneak on them. -Although they agreed, too, that if each had a turn there would be -nothing unfair, they were all unwilling to lose precious possessions -even for the fun of playing an underhand trick. By this time one of the -boys had decided that all sneaking "was bad." It was then proposed to -the other two that their father go out, and that they should sneak on -him. This seemed to be a solution. They would have the fun and suffer -none of the loss. When they had committed themselves to this opinion, -their father called their attention to the fact that he had already -had his turn at being victim, and that now it was only<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> fair that he -should have his turn at being executioner. There was no escape. At the -very moment when they were looking for all the gain and none of the -loss, they were confronted with the prospect of suffering, perfectly -justly, all of the loss and having none of the gain. By that time the -word "sneak" conveyed an idea that was quite the opposite of humorous, -and they were in position to appreciate their father's repudiation of -any intention to act as a sneak. It was necessary for them to travel -a long and roundabout way before they reached the point at which they -could genuinely disapprove what they themselves had done. In the frame -of mind in which at first they had been, punishment would have been -meaningless; it would have signified nothing more than that an older -person was vexed at something, and that they had to bear the ill -effects of the vexation. What they needed primarily was not discipline -but instruction. Incidentally, it may be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> added, they had a good deal -of discipline in the process.</p> - -<p>We are likely to forget that moral distinctions are not instinctive, -but are the product of experience. The capacity to distinguish between -the good and the evil is, we may all agree, inherent; but ability in -deciding what acts belong in the category of the good and what in -the category of the evil is acquired. There is no magic voice within -a little child informing him what a lie is and warning him that it -is evil. It is not enough, moreover, to tell a child over and over -again that lying is wrong; it is equally necessary to instruct him -so that he will recognize a lie when he encounters it. The knack of -recognizing the difference between truth and falsehood is like the -knack of recognizing the difference between edible and poisonous -mushrooms. It comes only after careful instruction and long practice, -and it is not as easy as it seems. Is "Alice in Wonderland" falsehood? -Are the statements in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> Stevenson's "Child's Garden of Verses" true? I -believe I could set an examination in the subject, asking for reasons -for the answers, which a good many parents could not satisfactorily -pass. A child who habitually lies may be consciously doing wrong; but -it is also possible that he has been simply ill-taught, or is not old -enough to be taught at all in this subject. In order to reach a child's -mind for the purpose of enabling him to see the difference between a -lie and the truth, we must have imagination enough to put ourselves -in the child's place sufficiently to find out what his conception of -the truth is. It is easy to assume that a child is lying when he is -merely experimenting with language, or is desiring to please, or is -playing with his fancies. If we want children to understand us, we -must exercise enough imagination to understand them. After we have -established some basis of mutual understanding, we can feel free to -proceed with rigorous discipline.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> - -<p>I hope I shall not be misunderstood. It is not necessary that a child -should understand the reason for a command before he obeys. Obedience -first and reasons afterwards is a good rule, and one that may even -prevent disasters. It is necessary, however, that a child should -understand what it is he is commanded to do or not to do. It requires -some imagination to ascertain whether the child understands this or not.</p> - -<p>Instruction in manners, like instruction in morals, requires the use of -the imagination. The adult who is receiving his first lesson in golf -ought to be able to understand why a child has difficulty in properly -holding his spoon; the difference between a niblick and a stymie is not -nearly so hard to learn as the difference between "Please" and "Thank -you." Manners are more arbitrary than the technical terms of a game -or a calling. Why it should be wrong but not naughty to eat with your -knife or to sing at the table, children do not readily see.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> - -<p>As with regard to morals and manners, so with regard to all that a -child has to learn, instruction is best coupled with imagination. A -generation ago my grandfather wrote a book. Its tide seems to attach it -to a long bygone age. It is called "Gentle Measures in the Management -and Training of the Young."<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> I know of no book which in spirit or in -principles is more modern. I do not think its substance will ever be -antiquated. It was through no fault or merit of mine that the author of -this book was my grandfather; so I can see no reason why I should not -be as free as any one else might be in expressing the wish that every -parent who has some interest in the training of children might not only -possess a copy, but also read it studiously. His words, with their -touch of quaintness, concerning the use of imagination in the teaching -of children were but the transcript of the principles which he had -established by use and found practicable.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> - -<p>Are the children restive or boisterous? Do they talk incessantly -and nonsensically? A little imagination will suggest what should be -done with them. They are steam engines under full head of steam. If -you do not wish to starve them into lassitude, set their activity to -work in some direction that will not be troublesome. Has one of the -children pinched his hand in the door or bumped his head? Summon up -your imagination. He is a man who has met with an accident; call the -ambulance, which comes in the form of a two-legged creature, to carry -him to the hospital, which to grown-up eyes looks amazingly like the -couch in the sewing-room; give him some medicine out of a bottle, -which has the appearance of a shoe-horn. Is there an altercation in -the nursery? Let there be a court established, and the issue heard and -decided in due form. No retinue of servants can work such wonders as a -moderately alert imagination.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span></p> - -<p>If we parents have allowed our own imaginations to become atrophied -through disuse, so that we are incapacitated from sharing in the -most vivid part of our children's world, there is at least one thing -we can do; we can restrain our natural impulse to interfere with -our children's imagination. For a generous portion of every day we -can leave our children alone. We are, of course, useful to them in -emergencies, but ordinarily we prosy folk are in their way. What a -nuisance we are when we impose upon an imaginative child that horror -known as a mechanical toy! The nodding mandarin is so insistently a -mandarin that no child with a healthy imagination can respect it. -Off with its head! it then can conceivably be the pillar of a house, -or a chimney for a steamboat. Large flat wooden dolls that come in a -game-set have been known to serve admirably as roofs for block houses. -Shall we allow the children to abuse their toys in this wise? exclaims -the prosaic<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span> adult. The children might well reply, Must we be forced -to lose our real world and to live in a commonplace, unreal world like -yours? Elaborate dolls, complicated mechanisms, elegant playthings, -may gratify the vanity of an adult, and even whet the curiosity of -the growing boy and girl, but will not take the place of real toys -like blocks of wood and spools and marbles. If we must nag him at -other times, at least in his play let us leave the child alone with -his imagination and the materials which his imagination can best use. -If we are nonplussed by the enjoyment which a child finds in such -simple things, it is because we have not the imagination to perceive -that these very same simple things are the most capable of varied -transformation.</p> - -<p>Like those complicated toys which are made merely because the adults, -who have the money, buy them, some kindergartens are engines of -destruction. The play instinct, which psychologists kindly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span> explain is -simply the instinct for self-directed activity, is in mortal peril from -people who are always for supervising children's games. Controlling -the play of children is really attempting the impossible. As soon as -it is controlled from the outside, play ceases to be play. If some one -else directs the child, he ceases to be self-directed. Play is not -mere recreation; it is sometimes very serious business. What makes -it play is that it is not done under orders. And real play requires -imagination. We parents can spoil our children by confining them to -the artificial things we enjoy in lieu of our own minds. If we wish -to amuse ourselves, we can do so for a time by spoiling our children. -But if we wish them to enjoy life, as well as to grow strong in body -and mind and character, we will not tempt them by the spices, the -mechanisms, the artifices of our world, but will leave them as much -as possible to wander and play and work unmolested in the world of -simple things. Simple<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> food, simple occupations, simple toys, simple -surroundings—at least such we call them; in fact, there are no riches -like them to the child—or the adult for that matter—who has not -been robbed of his imagination. If we have lost ours, and must go -about our task of instruction and discipline in the unreal way of the -dry-as-dust, we can at least leave the child his. That is possible for -the dullest of us.</p> - -<div class="footnotes"><h3>FOOTNOTE:</h3> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> By Jacob Abbott. (Harper and Brothers.)</p></div></div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>IV</span> <span class="smaller">PEACE AT A PRICE</span></h2> - -<p>Advice to wives usually begins with this sort of exhortation: When your -husband returns from the office, greet him smilingly; exile from your -face the traitorous lines of care, imprison in the silences of your -mind the petty vexing trials of the day, dismiss to their own quarters -the evidences of housework. Your husband's home is his castle; when -he takes refuge there in flight from his enemies, the cares of his -vocation, do not confront him with your own. We are all familiar with -this strain. It sounds well. But, after all, the lord's castle is his -lady's battlefield. If she is a very fine lady indeed, she may not have -engaged in any personal encounters. If her resources and disposition -permit, she may hire mercenaries to do her fighting for her. In that -case her <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span>battles have been sham battles, and she has no relic of -carnage to hide. If, however, she is not one of those who regard one -child as a nuisance and two as an intolerable burden, and therefore -prefers to conduct the campaign of their training herself, she can -hardly be sure of turning nightly the battlefield of that home into the -semblance of an impregnable castle. The fact is, any woman who regards -motherhood as a vocation quite as worthy of respect as yelling on the -Stock Exchange (and that I believe is a very, very respectable vocation -indeed) will find it a serious drain on her physical and nervous -resources.</p> - -<p>However much a woman may court martyrdom, I never heard of one who -deliberately invited vexation of spirit. She may find a genuine -happiness in the weariness she has incurred for the sake of some great -object; but she finds no happiness in the annoyances she encounters -purposelessly. Now, it is just these vexations,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span> these annoyances, -which it is a part of her vocation to avoid. So far from being an -incident of motherhood, they are an impediment.</p> - -<p>Most of these annoyances, these vexations, with which a mother has -to contend, come from a maladjustment between her children and their -environment. Quarrels among themselves, irritability and disobedience -toward her, impositions upon the servants, pertness with their elders, -insubordination toward their teachers, altercations with their -playmates, and friction with the neighbors—it is affairs of these -sorts that fray a woman's nerves and wrack her mind. No woman can -long endure these things. There are not many courses open to her. She -can die, or she can rid herself of her children by consigning them to -servants who are paid for accepting her responsibility. In either case -she no longer concerns us. Let us suppose, however, that she remains a -mother. Then the only course that she can<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> pursue is to attempt some -mode of adjustment.</p> - -<p>There are two ways in which she can act. She can undertake either -to adjust her children to their environment, or to adjust their -environment to them. Almost every mother adopts either one way or the -other within the first two months of her first baby's life. The young -lord of creation puts the problem squarely before her: Am I to begin my -reign now—and I warn you it will be a case of whimsical autocracy—or -must I take my place in the order of this household? If his mother -is a washerwoman, he gets no answer; she goes about her washing and -he finds his place without much remonstrance. The children of the -poor are blessed with mothers who have this problem settled for them -by the gaunt hand of necessity. If, however, this lordling has been -born in the purple, even of very light shade, he has a good chance of -seizing the sceptre at the very first<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span> grasp. He certainly will seize -it and wield it relentlessly, if his mother decides to do the easiest -thing. At the beginning and for some time it is easier to conform the -household to the baby than the baby to the household. It is easier -because strictly at the beginning it is necessary. Even the household -of the washerwoman is swerved for a few days out of its regular course; -but when the wash comes in again, the household is swerved back. The -trouble comes in those families where the mother's will has to take the -place of somebody else's wash. Of course there are cases which cannot -be considered normal. The newcomer is puny and needs the constant -attention that every invalid requires; or the mother's strength has -been sapped, and she must, for everybody's sake, do the easiest thing. -In such cases there is no choice. Ordinarily, however, the issue is not -long postponed. The trained nurse, if there is one, can have a good -deal to do in deciding it. Probably it will be most<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span> distinctly raised -over a question of feeding. The foundation of absolute monarchy within -many a plain American home has been laid by allowing the diminutive -heir apparent to engage in midnight feasting when every consideration -of orderliness commanded sleep. It is on such an occasion that a man, -if he has any chivalry in him, will sustain his wife's good resolution. -If he chooses to be anything more to his household than a purveyor, he -will not have to wait long to make good his determination.</p> - -<p>The difference between a household adjusted to a child and a child -adjusted to a household is the difference between unstable and stable -equilibrium. Quietness, peace, and an aspect of repose may be found in -both cases; but in the one case every new movement threatens an upset.</p> - -<p>There are two kinds of households, the adjustable and the unadjustable. -A child, let us say, wakes in the morning. If he is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> accustomed to an -adjustable household, there is an end of sleep for those who have the -care of him. For the sake of peace to the others some one has to keep -him quietly amused until the time of rising. That some one, we all -can guess, is the mother. At breakfast it is the child that is first -served, and when he is finished with eating it is his new demands that -interrupt the meal. The mother does her household tasks under the -child's supervision. In order to avoid the necessity of leaving them -to rush upon every demand to the nursery, she manages to have him in -the room with her. Tethering him to the leg of a table, barricading -him behind chairs, occupying his mind now with one bauble, now with -another, she succeeds, with the exercise of an acquired versatility, -in securing for him safety from harm, for the furniture measurable -immunity from damage, and for herself a comparatively noiseless -morning. When the time for his nap arrives, she, as the available -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span>member of the household, leaves everything else and puts him to -sleep. After he wakes and is dressed, a caller arrives. For an instant -forgetful, she starts to leave the young ruler. A wail recalls her. -A gurgle of satisfaction rewards her for taking him in her arms. The -visitor is now a part of the household and must be properly adjusted. -At the sight of the caller the baby makes violent protest. Then comes -the period of coaxing, unsatisfactory to the child, troublesome to the -mother, and disconcerting to the guest. Irreconcilable, the youngster -is handed over to some one for the nonce, and the visitor concludes the -call and departs to the accompaniment of mourning. The despot is easily -restored to good humor as soon as he sees again his favorite subject. -The one annoying episode of the day is easily set down against the -account, not of the child, not of his mother, but of the caller. "That -black gown she wore" many a time does duty as an explanation for what -is really<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> the product of an adjustable household. Aside from the more -immediate and obvious disadvantages of the adjustable household, there -is this: that it hardly fits the child for living in an unadjustable -world.</p> - -<p>The child who greets the morning in an unadjustable household finds -at hand enough to amuse him until it is time for his bath. His mother -has not led him to expect anything else. I remember a little fellow -whom I used to see a few years ago. Of delicate organism, decidedly -high-strung, very sensitive to sound and motion, he needed as much -attention as any well baby ever did. Regularly every morning, after -giving him his breakfast and getting him ready for the day, his mother -took him to the nursery, left him on the padded floor, gave him his few -blocks, and left him to his devices. She was free to go downstairs then -about her work. She was not beyond earshot. When the sun was high, she -wrapped him up<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span> well, put him in his carriage, and, wheeling him out -on the porch, left him again alone. In the afternoon the process was -reversed: first the sunny porch, then the quiet nursery. Times for play -with him came to an end according to her judgment, not his. Because she -loved him and understood her vocation as mother, she established in -this nervous child the habit of encountering the world with placidity. -This is the way of the mother who determines that her household shall -be unadjustable.</p> - -<p>There are those who regard childhood as a period when the individual -becomes, to use Stevenson's phrase, "well armored for this world." It -is this conception of childhood as a preparation for after-life that -underlies Huxley's essay on liberal education. There are others who -would say, with a recent writer, that childhood is not to be regarded -as a preparation for youth that in turn becomes a preparation for -manhood, but rather is to be made "beautiful and glorious in and for -itself,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> not a vestibule to a vestibule to a vestibule." Whichever of -these two views we take, we shall find, I think, that the only way of -escape from disorder and confusion is not by adjusting the child's -environment to him, but by adjusting him to his environment.</p> - -<p>The one unescapable part of our children's environment is—ourselves. -Over them we are always impending. At inconvenient times we rise -in their way and impede their most absorbing occupations. On their -excursions into the wilds of fancy it is we who obtrude and with -philistine complacency drive them back into the gross world of -wash-basins and table manners. Three small boys are busy blasting. One -is a workman; a second is the fuse; the third is the hole, and is about -to explode for the sixth time. Who interrupts with some trivial but -insistent remark about less noise or clean clothes? One of us. And the -worst of it is that we who are so troublesomely recurrent, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> who -are their source of supplies, seem to be incapable of appreciating the -delights of becoming at will a trolley-car, an alligator, a goblin, -or a hole in the ground. That is the sort of environment we are; and -if we are going to adjust our children to it, we ought to understand -how knurly it is. When we understand that, we shall perhaps see the -importance of giving our children a chance to explode without being -flung repeatedly against our prosy protuberances. Sometimes we can -manage that by simply giving them room for their own Arcady. (And it is -not our business to insist that their Arcady be our sort.) Sometimes -it will be necessary to manage this otherwise. We may, for instance, -live in a flat. In that case we may actually have to exercise some -imagination and suggest to them an occupation which will keep them from -a too rasping contact with us. The first requisite, then, for peace is -a reasonable degree of non-interference.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span></p> - -<p>Interference, however, we cannot always avoid. Then the question -becomes one of interfering without friction. Any one can give commands -to a child, or instruct him after a fashion, or punish him; but to -exercise authority over a child and at the same time keep on good terms -with him, that is an art in which we are not all equally adept. But it -is an art we must master if we are to be free of unnecessary annoyance -and a great deal of fruitless pother. We cannot be on good terms with -a healthy child except on the basis of justice. That is one reason why -an altercation with a child is a sign of failure in discipline: it is -not sportsmanlike. It lacks the prime element of justice, an equal -chance for each opponent. When we take a child for an antagonist, we -do not enter a square fight; we have him at an unfair advantage. He -knows it as well as we, and that is why, even if we win—as win we -ought with size and strength and wit on our side—our victory is an -inglorious<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span> failure. When he succumbs in the struggle, he has learned -only one thing—that he must enlarge his resources. A small boy leaves -his sled in the front hall. He is ordered to remove it and he refuses. -Then comes the tussle. Rather than go to bed, he finally complies. The -next time he awaits the approach of a visitor. This time he leaves his -sled in the front hall and flees. He has learned his lesson—to pick -the place and moment for battle when the enemy is at a disadvantage. -The visitor, serenely unconscious of the fact, has diverted the enemy. -The sled is whisked out of sight. No penalty now inflicted on the boy -can be to him other than the manifestation of resentment and chagrin on -the part of an outwitted adversary. In such a case what does justice -suggest? There is the voice of one in authority.</p> - -<p>"Your sled is in the front hall; put it away."</p> - -<p>"But I don't want to. I'm playing."</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> - -<p>The affair seems to be at an end. There is no insistence; there are no -threats.</p> - -<p>A day later. "Mamma! Mamma! Where's my sled?"</p> - -<p>"Did you look in its place?"</p> - -<p>"Yes, and it isn't there."</p> - -<p>"Where did you leave it?"</p> - -<p>"I don't know."</p> - -<p>"Think."</p> - -<p>(With shamed face) "I guess in the front hall."</p> - -<p>"You had better look in the front hall, then."</p> - -<p>"It isn't there."</p> - -<p>"Did you expect to find it there?"</p> - -<p>"No-o."</p> - -<p>There is no ground for altercation here. Perhaps there may be need -for explanation. The loss of a day's coasting in this case may be -actually a severer punishment than the threatened hours in bed in the -other case, but it comes in the course of justice, and the boy knows -it. Nobody has won a victory, because there has been<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> no struggle; but -somebody has learned a lesson. And through it all the boy remains on -good terms with his environment.</p> - -<p>Of course it would never do for a child to live in too just a world; -his awakening upon entrance into the world that we grown folks have -made for ourselves would be cruelly rude. He must have ample chance to -learn how to meet injustice. Happily, such chance will frequently come -his way without any solicitude on our part. One can discern something -almost purposeful in the fact that the sense of justice is no part -of the parental instinct. Indeed, it seems as if it had been made -especially difficult for grown people to deal justly with children. For -one thing, in order to be just with a child one must be prepared to -believe anything, no matter how preposterous. Once on a time a little -girl was going downstairs. In her arms she held a precious doll. She -knew that it was a prized family possession. To her consternation she -suddenly felt it leave her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> hold, and in an instant she saw it lying -broken upon the stairs. When she was questioned by her mother, she -announced simply that the doll had jumped from her arms. In spite of -all that her mother said to her on the evil of willful untruth, she -persisted in her story. Whether she was punished I do not know; but if -she was, it was not because of an accident, but because of a falsehood. -In any case, she suffered the indignity of being disbelieved. For a -long time the feeling of injustice rankled in her. It was not until -she had grown old enough to learn that a doll cannot leap that she -relinquished her faith in the statement which had been treated by her -mother as a lie. A dash of credulity would have established a good -understanding with that child; but that was too much to expect. It is -not easy to be credulous at the right times. That is one reason why we -need never take pains lest we be too just with our children.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> - -<p>With the best of intentions, the most competent of us will now and then -lapse into deeds of injustice. If we discovered them all, we should -lead uneasy lives. A kind Providence, however, keeps us oblivious of -most of them; and our children are slow in learning to preserve a -grudge. When one of us, however, discovers that he has been unjust -toward his child, what does he do? That depends on his standards. If -his ambition is to be omniscient and infallible, he keeps the discovery -to himself, and, if he corrects the injustice, manages by some -subterfuge to make the correction, not an act of justice, but an act -of grace. His policy might be epitomized in Jowett's motto for public -men: with children his practice is, "Never retract, never explain; get -it done, and let them howl." For one who does not care to pay the price -of courage and self-respect, this rule can be made to work very well. -One whose ambition, however, is to be authoritative with children will -value<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> sincerity with them as a principle and not as an expedient. -Karl has apparently been guilty of willful disobedience; he has done -something he was told not to do. The punishment which regularly -follows rebellion is announced. It then transpires that what seemed -disobedience was really misunderstanding. What can be done? Since the -maternal court does not crave infallibility, the error in sentence -is acknowledged. So far from impairing confidence in the court, this -proceeding actually tends to buttress it. The next time an adverse -judgment is declared and sentence is inflicted, the culprit, even if -he believes himself guiltless, will, if he thinks about it at all, -suspect that the judge is attempting, not to preserve her dignity, but -honestly to administer justice. A child can pay his parents no greater -honor than by protesting, in the belief that he will be heard, that a -threatened punishment would be unfair.</p> - -<p>Even that mother who finds other <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span>occupations more dignified and -gratifying than that of motherhood cannot wholly escape the necessity -of deciding whether the ground of her dealings with her children shall -be justice or something else. In delegating responsibility to servants, -she must decide whether she will delegate authority also. The woman -who puts her children in the charge of a hired maid and then declares, -"I will never require a child of mine to obey a servant," deliberately -chooses to be unjust to her children. That she is also unjust to the -servant is not so grave a matter. The servant can, if she wishes, find -another mistress; but the child is compelled to be content as he can -with that mother. Such a woman is usually quite powerless to secure -obedience toward herself. When her daughters are grown, she wonders why -they do not become her friends; when her sons are grown, she wonders -why they exhibit no desire for her companionship.</p> - -<p>The only footing for comradeship is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span> fair dealing. Even a sense of -humor, essential as that is, will not take its place. Who would be a -comrade with his children must first be just with them.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>V</span> <span class="smaller">FOR 'TIS THEIR NATURE TO</span></h2> - -<p>Why we expect children to be more tranquil than a parliamentary body -or a ministers' meeting I do not know and cannot imagine. To be -troubled because children quarrel is to deplore one of their chief -prerogatives—the prerogative of being themselves. The time to be -troubled is not when they quarrel merely, but when they quarrel in the -wrong way or about wrong things. To teach children how to quarrel and -what to quarrel about is one of the duties of parents.</p> - -<p>Together with some compensating advantages, an only child has one -indisputable misfortune: there is no one in the family he can really -quarrel with. No altercation he might have with a grown-up could be -dignified with the name of quarrel. All his quarreling he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span> must do -outside his home. Consequently, he cannot receive from his parents -all the attention that he might receive if he were, say, one of six. -When he finally encounters other children, he does not know the -bounds either of expediency in tolerating their idiosyncrasies, or -of right in maintaining his own. With skill his parents may acquire -artificially for themselves, as well as for him, the experiences which -naturally befall a larger household. It is plain, therefore, that those -parents are fortunate who have quarreling children. To them avenues of -education are open which are closed to the parents of an only child.</p> - -<p>I do not refer to those roads which, originating in the nursery, have -led to the depths of theology or to the heights of moral discourse. -The road which has landed more than one theologian in meditation upon -the depraved nature of the child may well have had its beginning in -childish quarrels. There was Jonathan<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> Edwards, for instance; he had -ten sisters and about as many children. This suggests a fit subject -for a thesis. Then that pleasanter if less picturesque way, bordered -with the flowers and the weeds of rhetoric, which has brought the -preacher and the versifier to sermons and rhymes for the edification of -the young, must have received many a traveler from tributary paths of -domestic strife. Isaac Watts, for instance, who being dead yet speaketh -of dogs and bears and lions and children, was the eldest of nine. -The avenues of education to which I refer, however, are open only to -parents or vice-parents, and lead only to parental skill.</p> - -<p>Some parents act as if they did not even know that these avenues exist. -Consequently, when they encounter contention among their offspring, -they fly in all directions at once. This undoubtedly makes for agility. -For example:—</p> - -<p>Waves of turmoil burst through the closed doors of the playroom, flood -the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> stairway, and whelm to the ears the placid group of grown-ups -in the living-room. As the visiting cousin nervously halts her small -talk, and the tired mother lays down her knitting, the master of the -house, with an air of finality, gesturing the others into subsidence, -breasts the billows of sound. Upward, two steps in a stride, he makes -an assault upon the playroom.</p> - -<p>"What's all this about?" as he flings open the door. "Bless me! -everybody can hear you all over the house. Your mother and I aren't -undertaking to keep a zoo. Do you suppose that somebody can be running -up here every five minutes? Besides, don't you know that your mother's -cousin Bettina is visiting us, and that she is distracted by this -sort of uproar? Now don't try to interrupt. What did you say? That -Ruth threw a coal-car at you? Why, Ruth, my little girl! that's a -very dangerous thing to do. If you had struck one of the boys in the -eye, you might have made<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span> him blind. I shall have to take the cars -away, if you are going to do dangerous things with them. What's that? -They're not Ruth's cars? What of it? Does that make them any the less -dangerous? Now, don't interrupt again. Besides, Ruth, that was a very -unladylike thing for a little girl to do. And, boys, you are at fault, -too. Ruth would never have done that if you hadn't done something to -her. Is that the way young gentlemen should treat a young lady? And -Ruth is younger than you. She can't defend herself unless she does -something like that. I shall have to punish you all; perhaps that will -help you to learn how to behave. Now, you boys, go over to Ruth and ask -her pardon; and, Ruth, you kiss them and tell them you're sorry. And -now play together properly. See if you can't get along till tea-time -without making a disturbance."</p> - -<p>Satisfied that he has settled an acute difficulty, this composite -father, in whose voice has sounded some tones that I dare<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span> not disown, -descends the peaceful stairs. What he has actually done has been to -throw into hopeless unsettlement a situation that was after a fashion -already half settled. If the children are quiet, it is because they are -dazed by the feats of an acrobatic adult mind. They have watched their -father make a circuit of the situation, cross at least a half-dozen -paths that led safely out, and, ignoring all, return to the point of -departure. The benefit they have received from the performance is -not at all the benefit he believes he has imparted. It has not been, -as he fancies, the benefit of discipline; it has been the benefit -of diversion. As for himself, he has received that most welcome of -benefits—a mental frame of complacency.</p> - -<p>Not being as nimble as he, we may find it worth our while to stop for -a moment at each path that he passed and explore it. What we are prone -to forget is that from almost every difficulty of this kind<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span> there are -several exits, and that there is no progress made in attempting to -travel more than one at a time. In this case, all need for the display -of gymnastics might have been avoided by the consideration of a few -simple questions.</p> - -<p>One question has precedence of all others: Shall I interfere or not? -To decide that question in the negative is to eliminate all the -others. That it is necessary to do this, the conjunction of a quarrel -and a luncheon party may demonstrate. The critical time comes when -there is no luncheon party. To allow children some chance to settle -their own differences is as certainly an act of discipline as it is -to settle every difference for them. It is none the less discipline -for the children because it seems to be chiefly self-discipline. A -younger sister once had a grievance; she made her protest with a -strident whine. Annoyed by the outburst, her mother descended upon the -whole crew, wormed out the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span> merits of the case, and with an even hand -apportioned among the offenders penalty or reproof. Having profited, -as it happened, by this occurrence, the small girl, the next time she -wished to gain an advantage over the others, resorted to the same -whining outcry. Immediately the three older children fell to playing -church. With a loud and discordant hymn, they designed to drown the -sound of protest. Though at this time in the right, they preferred not -to take the risk. Already well trained by her children, that mother -was quick to remain where she was. It sometimes requires alertness to -do nothing. Just though her interference had been, she saw that it not -only had encouraged in one child an annoying mode of complaint, but -also had suggested to the others a noisy mode of averting judgment. -Thereafter it seemed easier for her to hesitate before participating -in her children's controversies. How can children experiment with the -principles with which their elders<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> have tried to endow them, except -upon those occasions when those didactic elders do not interfere? -How, on the other hand, can those same elders see what effect their -precepts have had, unless the children can begin a quarrel on the -chance that they may end it themselves? Deliberately to determine not -to interfere in a children's quarrel comes not of grace but of labor. -Any one can lapse into indifference as to the merits of a dispute -between two youngsters, but only one who has come through affliction -to self-control can at the same time maintain an acute interest in -the triumph of the just cause and keep his hands off. The virtue of -non-interference is not a gift, it is an achievement.</p> - -<p>Occasions which demand interference, however, occur frequently enough -to supply with plenty of exercise any normally active parental mind. -Whenever it is clearly best that the children should not be allowed to -end their quarrel themselves, the parent who is not in search merely<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span> -of self-complacency can ask himself a number of questions. Usually, -the time for asking and answering those questions is very brief. The -exercise is vigorous while it lasts. On the way from the living-room -to the nursery, the hastening parent can, for example, perform this -rapid mental scale passage: To what purpose am I interfering? Is it -to suppress a noise? or to avert a danger? or to teach courtesy? or -to instruct in morals? or to do justice? or to establish an amicable -basis? Later, and perhaps more deliberately, he will run over this -scale of questions: What means shall I use? Shall it be force? or -argument? or ridicule? or explanation? or advice? or instruction? or -command? or punishment? It requires practice to pounce upon the note -principally out of tune in a wealth of discord, and then to choose the -one tool that will set it right; but then, there is no vocation more -exciting than parenthood.</p> - -<p>The noise of a quarrel may be its most<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> serious offense. We can admit -that fact without accepting as an invariable rule the maxim of our -nervous, overwrought ancestors, Children should be seen and not heard. -At times it seems, indeed, as if the present age were too phlegmatic. -There are people for whose nerves children should be made to have -some regard; there are invalids who do not thrive on din; there is -necessary work which cannot be done in the midst of a racket; there -are neighbors who declare, with some show of right, that they regard -monopoly in noise as against public policy. So, whether for the sake of -cousin Bettina's nerves, or a tired mother's rest, or a busy father's -conference with a creditor, or merely for the sake of reputation with -the neighbors, it may be best to disregard all other factors and insist -on quiet. That seems clear enough. The trouble with us pretentious -grown-ups is that usually when we undertake to stop a quarrel because -it is disturbing, we delude ourselves into<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> thinking that we have some -high moral purpose. We can expose our own fatuity by simply inquiring -of ourselves, when we begin our preachment, Would we have interfered if -this quarrel had not been so strepitous? It is one of the annoyances -in the training of children that if we are to be honest with them, we -must be honest with ourselves. I do not see how that can be helped. And -with children honesty is prerequisite to authority. To pretend that -we chiefly want them to be good at a time when really we chiefly want -them to be quiet is to renounce all influence over them when really -we arrive at the point of chiefly wanting them to be good. That is -reason enough for being honest with them. So when we set out towards -a quarrel with the determination of suppressing a noise, we shall, if -we are honest, deal with the quarrel, not as turpitude, but as noise. -We may not be able to persuade the contestants of the existence of -nerves, or headaches, or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span> creditors, or neighbors, or even of our own -reasonableness; but we shall at least probably succeed in conveying to -them the genuineness of this single idea that is uppermost in our own -mind: if you can't quarrel quietly, you shall not quarrel at all. If -later we wish to impress upon them the necessity of being considerate -of others, we can use that specific quarrel as an illustration without -risking with them our reputation for singleness.</p> - -<p>A quarrel may involve something which, even more than noise, demands -instant interference. Two small boys were in an altercation. The older -had a ball. The younger wanted that ball with a consuming hunger. The -nearest weapon at hand was the discarded shaft of a golf club. Seizing -it, he began his attack with reckless fury. The sound of a blow upon a -piece of furniture followed by an outcry of fear brought their father -to the room. His thought was not for anybody's manners or morals, -nor for the disturbance,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> nor for a just settlement of the contest; -it was for the defenseless boy's head. There was but one possible -measure: immediate and forcible confiscation of the club. This was -frankly not punishment—which would have involved a moral judgment—but -simply humane intervention. The announcement that the club was to -remain confiscated for a week merely emphasized the extent of the -intervention, not the severity of a punishment. The incident might have -served as an occasion for a lecture upon the danger of the wanton use -of weapons; as a matter of fact, I believe, it was, of a sort; but—</p> - -<p>"Oh, daddy, it was my ball!"</p> - -<p>"No, daddy, really it wasn't!"</p> - -<p>All such discussion as to the merits of the dispute was quashed. -Likewise was stifled all inclination on the part of the intervening -parent to deliver a lesson on the evils of an ungovernable temper. That -might not have been confusing, if it could have been made distinct from -the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> act of intervention; but it was not necessary. The fault was not -an excess of temper so much as a thoughtless or ignorant use of power. -At least, that was the judgment on which this father acted. Whether he -was right or wrong is not to the point; what is to the point is that he -formed his judgment, acted upon it, and did not obscure the issue by -confusing the consequences—or possible consequences—of a deed with -its moral character.</p> - -<p>Just as the physical consequence of a quarrel may be more important -than its moral aspects, so may be its significance as an exhibition of -manners. When their elders hopelessly intermingle precepts as to the -amenities with deliverances upon ethics, children can hardly be blamed -if they come to regard murder as in the same category with the wearing -of tan boots to the accompaniment of a frock coat. An altercation -marked by vulgarity, or even by nothing more than <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>delinquencies in -courtesy, may be more distasteful to grown-ups than one involving -meanness or deceit. In such a case we may give interference the form -of an expression of disgust, and keep the issue clear. If, however, -we allow it to take the form of punishment, we might as well admit -to ourselves that we are engaged not in disciplining children but in -relieving our own feelings, and be grateful that we have at hand such -an outlet for our emotions.</p> - -<p>Occasionally there arises a quarrel which supplies a text for a moral -lesson. A quarrel of this sort arose one day between a small boy of -five or six and his sister a year or two older. The mother of these -two had issued a command to the younger that he take off his wet -shoes. In a few minutes she heard the sound of struggle. It called for -investigation. There on the nursery floor was the lad, tearful and -angry; near at hand his sister, reproachful and indignant. It appeared -that his neglect of the order had aroused<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span> her to action. He resented -her assumption of authority; she resented his resentment. The case was -not as simple as it appeared to be. Punishment of the small boy without -explanation would have seemed to him like punishment for disobedience -toward a sister who was without authority. On the other hand, a rebuke -of the sister for unwarranted assumption of authority would have seemed -to her like a rebuke for loyalty to her mother. It was a case, not -primarily for punishment or even for rebuke, but for moral instruction, -or, if you prefer, explanation.</p> - -<p>As an occasion for the doing of justice, a quarrel among children often -presents great perplexities. It is hard for a mother to be a just judge -between her children. This is partly because she is so practiced in -partiality for her children that she revolts at the apparent hardness -of impersonal fairness; partly because she frequently cannot ascertain -the facts. A mother who loves justice while she loves<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> her children -will not be quick to ascend the bench. Sometimes, however, she must. -There was once called, for instance, the case of Ronald <i>vs.</i> Dan. -After a statement of the case made in turn by the two litigants, -and confirmed or corrected by the visiting playmate Davy, the facts -seemed to be as follows: The boys were cutting advertising pictures -out of newspapers. Each of the boys had his own pile of newspapers -which was his property. Dan had on one of his papers a picture which -he did not care for, but which Ronald cared for very much. No sooner -had Ronald expressed his desire for this picture than Dan crumpled the -paper up in his hand and threw it into the waste-basket. Hence the -complaint. The act was undeniably one of meanness; it was done with -the intent to exasperate; but it transgressed no rights. The paper -was Dan's property, to be disposed of as he pleased. Ronald had not -the slightest claim upon it. This was clearly <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span>understood. While the -trial was in progress, Davy, the witness, fished the paper out of the -waste-basket, where it had become the personal property of nobody, -cut out the picture, smoothed its wrinkles, and presented it to the -grateful Ronald. Justice to Dan had compelled the recognition of his -right to do with his own as he pleased. Judgment rendered for the -defendant. Could any mother be satisfied with that outcome? So far as -determining whether punishment was to be measured out, that ended the -case. Strictly observing as between herself and her children their -property rights, that judge could not refuse to enforce those rights as -among themselves. This case, however, raised another question than that -of justice.</p> - -<p>This was the question of future amity. The generous action of Davy, the -witness, made it possible to use the incident for furthering not only -just but also happy relations among the children. It made the defendant -somewhat ashamed of <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span>himself, although of course it did not in the -least obscure to his mind the consciousness that the judge had dealt -with him justly. It moreover restored the sun to the complainant's -cloudy face. Thus at the same time it impressed on the mind of the -guilty a sense of his own meanness and effaced the memory of that -meanness from the mind of the aggrieved. It is not always that a judge -has a Davy at hand. It will not, however, necessarily confuse matters -if she act the part of Davy herself. It is sometimes possible thus to -give a practical demonstration of the fact that the spoils of justice -are not always satisfying.</p> - -<p>As in walking, so in living with our fellows, some friction is -necessary. To deprive a child of friction with other children is to -keep him in slippery places. Unless we wish to teach him how to elude -his kind, we shall not begrudge him his wholesome contests of skill, of -wit, of strength, of temper. We shall only take<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> care that he does his -fighting fairly and not on too slight a provocation, that he knows how -to yield to the weakness of another, that he does not learn to whine or -snivel, that he does not become a tale-bearer, that he can take defeat -or rebuke without callousness and without a whimper, that he becomes -capable of forgetting his resentments and his personal triumphs over -others, and that of all his victories, he learns to value most those -which he wins over himself.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> - -<h2><span>VI</span> <span class="smaller">THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM</span></h2> - -<p>The master of the house had returned from a visit to the country home.</p> - -<p>"Whom do you suppose I saw to-day?"</p> - -<p>The children could not imagine.</p> - -<p>"Old Robert. And what do you think he said?"</p> - -<p>The guesses flew wide.</p> - -<p>"No; you're all wrong. What he said was, 'How are the little men?'"</p> - -<p>Then up rose Deacon, as the old colored man had dubbed him, the -youngest, blandest, tricksiest of the trio; and he laughed in derisive -resentment.</p> - -<p>"I think old Robert is funny. He calls us little men. I don't think -people will like old Robert if he calls 'em names."</p> - -<p>Names! Will children never cease to shock us by their points of view? -Old Robert, like a well-baked pie, had put all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span> the richness of his -highly flavored feeling for the lads into that one phrase. He made it -serve him as a message of loyalty, respect, affection, comradeship.</p> - -<p>Old Robert had probably never heard of James Mill; and if he had, -he would not have cited him as an authority; for old Robert did not -act according to the logic of his phrase. James Mill, however, did -just that; he proceeded on the theory that it is wholesome to treat -children as if they were miniature men and women. He began with his -first-born by fitting to him an intellectual frock coat and tall hat. -Why he waited till the youngster was three years old no one, so far as -I know, has ever explained. Without much further delay he also gave -him a religious outfit. This, though decidedly less conventional than -his intellectual wardrobe, had the same adult cut. It was not the -Benthamite fashion of his religious garb, but its mature lines, that -gave John Stuart Mill his air of fascinating priggishness and suave -conceit.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> - -<p>Our taste, unlike James Mill's, may be for orthodoxy. We need not on -that account despair of imbuing our children with religious precocity -and self-assurance. Before he was ten years old, John Stuart Mill had -learned that Christianity was immoral, and that there was no personal -God. There is no reason why any child at the same age may not know -all the mysteries of predestinarianism, and be old in the experiences -of sanctification. All we need is the diligence, the courage, the -determination of James Mill.</p> - -<p>In these qualities some of our forbears had the advantage of us. They -knew very definitely what they wished their children to do and to -believe. Among them was an American contemporary of James Mill, the -Rev. Carlton Hurd. There are people still living who gratefully recall -the ministration of this kindly, stalwart New England divine. He so -ran as not uncertainly; so fought he, not as one that beateth the air. -And his certitude did not forsake him<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span> in the training of his little -daughter. It may seem almost grotesque to couple the English author and -employee of the East India Company with the Orthodox American parson. -The one held beliefs antipodal to those of the other. James Mill, -moreover, not being able to believe in a God so stern as to create this -evil world, made up what was lacking in the cosmos by cultivating in -himself an iron sternness toward his son; on the other hand, Parson -Hurd, as he is still affectionately called, being fully persuaded of -the existence of a God capable of infinite wrath, seemed to cherish in -himself, as sort of compensation, a most touching solicitude for his -daughter. In only one respect did Parson Hurd resemble James Mill,—in -having and holding to a body of convictions which were, to his mind, -not only indisputable, but also, in substance at least, essential to -the proper adornment of the mind of a child. The letter in which he -tells the story of Marion Lyle Hurd is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> the narrative of a complete and -orderly religious experience.</p> - -<p>Marion died at the age of four years. When she was eight months old, -her parents read to her from leaflets for Sabbath Schools. They -explained to her, when she was a year and a half old, in answer to -questions from her, the origin and use of the Bible. They noted that -when she had reached the age of two "her mind was seriously exercised -with religious things." At that time she would sometimes kneel down and -would say:—</p> - -<p>"Mother, I am going to pray. What shall I say to God?"</p> - -<p>"Ask God to make you good and give you a new heart."</p> - -<p>"What is a new heart, Mother?"</p> - -<p>"This was familiarly explained," writes her father, "and at the same -time she was particularly informed of the way of salvation by Jesus -Christ, and the steps God had taken to save sinners. We endeavored to -impress upon her mind that she was<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> a sinner and needed forgiveness; -and God would forgive her sins, and give her a new heart through Jesus -Christ." That from this time "she chiefly devoted her few remaining -days to the acquisition of religious knowledge" her father finds to -be "a consoling reflection." He adds, with conscientious caution, "If -she was truly converted, we cannot tell when the change took place." -Her parents hoped, however, after she had died two years later, that -she had "entered 'the city of our God.'" Though they had no means of -perceiving the approach of the disease of the brain which occasioned -her death, they realized that the sensitiveness and activity of her -mind warned them "to lead Marion with the gentlest hand; to make her -way as quiet and even as possible." In this third year the books -which were read to her included Parley's "Geography" and "Astronomy," -Gallaudet's "Child's Book on the Soul," and "Daily Food for -Christians." In her fourth year her books,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> which she read to herself, -were, besides the Bible, "Child's Book on Repentance," "Life of Moses," -"Family Hymns," "Union Hymns," "Daily Food," "Lessons for Sabbath -Schools," "Henry Milnor," Watts's "Divine Songs," "Memoir of John -Mooney Mead," "Nathan W. Dickerman," Todd's "Lectures to Children," and -"Pilgrim's Progress." As these titles indicate, she was "particularly -fond of reading the biography of good little children." Of all her -books, however, Bunyan's masterpiece seems to have been the most -instructive. Her knowledge of the allegory was tested by questions. -She knew why Christian went through the river while Ignorance was -ferried over. She knew what was meant by the Slough of Despond and the -losing of the Burden. "When we come to Christ," said she, "we" (not -Christians, or people, or you, but we) "lose our sins." And she sought -from her father a certificate to enter the City. "We cannot doubt," -comments her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> father, "Marion understood much of what was intended to -be taught in that book, which Phillip says, in his life of John Bunyan, -contains the essence of all theology. Certainly, she was familiar with -every step of the pathway of holiness trod by Christian, from the city -of Destruction through the river of death to the 'Celestial City.'" And -later he adds that she evinced "a familiar acquaintance with all parts -of that allegory and its doctrine." Though he makes clear in his letter -that "it is not the piety of the full grown and mature christian, that -we are to look for in a child," he makes equally clear that in all -essential particulars her piety was complete. It included even a regard -for the significance of eternal reward and penalty. From Doddridge's -"Expositor," both by examining the pictures and reading "the sacred -text" under the direction of her father, she derived many ideas of the -crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, and the general resurrection -at the end of the world.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span> "Marion," continues the narrative, "after -closely inspecting the countenances given in those pictures, both to -the just and unjust, in the resurrection, would say,</p> - -<p>"'Oh! how the wicked look, when they rise from the dead!' adding in a -serious and solemn manner,</p> - -<div class="center"><div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> -<div>"'"There is a dreadful hell,</div> -<div class="i1">And everlasting pains,</div> -<div>Where sinners must with devils dwell,</div> -<div class="i1">In darkness, fire, and chains."'"</div> -</div></div></div> - -<p>Indeed, from the earlier months, life after death, "the happiness of -the good, and the misery of the wicked," were topics of "frequent and -delightful conversation with her parents."</p> - -<p>In her last hours she expressed her assurance that she would be saved, -and her last audible words were, "I am not afraid to die." Thus ended -this brief life of four years and twenty-six days.</p> - -<p>An example of such training would be hard to find among parents of the -present day. This is not because there are no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> parents who have Parson -Hurd's convictions; neither is it because there are none who have his -confidence in the capacity of children. It is because there are lacking -parents who have both the convictions and the confidence. The reason -why many parents fail where James Mill and Parson Hurd succeeded is -that they try to make compromise between two contradictory theories. -Although they wish to give their children a full complement of -doctrines, they either do not possess the full complement themselves, -or do not believe that their children are mature enough to receive it. -The spectacle of adults attempting to instruct a primary class in the -Logos Doctrine by the kindergarten method is thoroughly modern.</p> - -<p>If the way of Parson Hurd and James Mill seems to us either too hard or -unreal, there is another way that may be found. That is the studious -exclusion of religion from the life—even from the knowledge—of our -children. It was this way that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> J. S. Mill supposed his father set him -traveling. Of course he was mistaken when he said in his autobiography -that he never had religious belief. He was embowered in religious, -though not in Christian, or even in theistic, belief. The way that he -walked was erroneously marked on his map; that was all. This is worth -noting because it indicates how easily even a logician may miss this -obscure way of no religion. Those who would lead their children by this -route must avoid the very shadow of religion as they would that of -the upas. Indeed, against even the air that has passed the shadow of -religion they must quarantine their children. Religion is infectious. -It can be conveyed by the subtlest means. To it children are perilously -liable. Against it there seems to be no trustworthy antitoxin. Children -are surrounded by infected people. A chance word may deposit the germ. -One child out of the brood may thus fall a victim to a particularly -virulent species of religion simply<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span> because he never had it in a -mild form. Nevertheless, it is possible to establish a quarantine -that may chance to remain effective for years. By this means children -may be kept from a knowledge of religion just as many are safely, -or dangerously, kept from a knowledge of what most people regard as -advanced physiology. One family, I am told, has taken this way. How -successful it has proved, I cannot say. All I have heard is that one -member of the family is now enlisted in the ministry. This does not -necessarily betoken failure. The theory was simply that each child -was to be kept immune until he was old enough to decide for himself -whether or not he would take the infection. This way is not the way of -indifference. It cannot be followed by any one who is not profoundly -affected by religion, whether hostile or friendly to it. It may require -less routine diligence than the other way, but it requires more anxious -circumspection.</p> - -<p>Different from either of these is that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> third way blazed by the -developing traits of our children. Those who take it cannot regard -religion as a form of doctrines or practices to be handed over to their -child ready-made; neither can they regard it as a superfluity, which -they are to withdraw from their child until he can choose to avoid it -as a danger or accept it as a luxury. They can regard it only as a mode -of life and therefore a mode of growth. They conceive it to be quite as -perfect when it is genuinely manifested in the immaturities of the boy -or girl as when it is shown in the riper forms of old age.</p> - -<p>Not that they undervalue doctrines. They know that there never was a -religion that did not formulate itself. They look, however, for the -doctrines to follow the religion, not the religion the doctrines. -They are not surprised when they find their children constructing a -philosophy of religion for themselves. Once upon a time a little girl -was heard to address her dolls: "There's us, and Bridget, and Jews.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> -We're all made of the same material; and we all have the same Father; -I guess the difference is that some are more refined than others." -No grown-up could have given her in the same number of words a more -thoroughly typical example of theology: a union of anthropology, -biology, and metaphysics, with a quasi-ethical conclusion. No -ecumenical creed could have been more valid for the generation that -produced it than could this brief philosophy be for her.</p> - -<p>Those who would take this third way well know, too, that there are some -phases of religion from which it may be well, if possible, to save -children for a time. It is no more necessary to feed them on Dante's -"Inferno" than on Welsh rabbit. This, however, is very different from -enforcing abstinence from all religious food.</p> - -<p>Conceding as much as this, then, to dogma and to caution, those who do -not object to seeing a child grow will—let him grow. They will not be -surprised if he<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> looks out on the world with wonder. Neither will they -be surprised if his wonder is slow in reaching satiety. It is sometimes -very leisurely.</p> - -<p>Davy, aged six, asked one day at table: "Mamma, what's above the -clouds?"</p> - -<p>"Air."</p> - -<p>After a moment of thought: "What's above the air?"</p> - -<p>"Ether."</p> - -<p>Another moment of thought; then, "What's above the ether?"</p> - -<p>"More ether. Ether is everywhere."</p> - -<p>Throughout this colloquy, Davy's brother Donald, two years younger, -seemed no more attentive than usual; which means he was quite -inattentive. A few weeks later, Davy had occasion to tell some one the -story of the Tower of Babel, and added his usual formula, "I think they -were foolish to try to get up to God, for God is everywhere." Donald's -mind seemed busily engaged about some other matter. A few months -passed, and Donald, now<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> turned five, Donald the inattentive, suddenly -thrust at his mother this question:—</p> - -<p>"Is God ether?"</p> - -<p>"No," said his mother, with a little hesitating inflection; she was -trying to prepare herself for the unknown but inevitable sequence. It -came promptly:—</p> - -<p>"Is God the universe?"</p> - -<p>Not willing to commit herself to pantheism, she answered again, "No;" -and this time her inflection was more hesitant and inquiring than -before.</p> - -<p>"How can God be everywhere?"</p> - -<p>For all those months that wonder had been nestling in that small mind -until it grew brave enough to become vocal. Ether everywhere; God -everywhere; God is ether. Why not? And if not, how can both be true?</p> - -<p>"Grandfather is in the library; perhaps he can tell you."</p> - -<p>A sound on the stairway like the roll of a drum and Donald was down in -the library.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> - -<p>"Grandfather, how can God be everywhere?"</p> - -<p>Grandfather touched Donald's hand: "Is Donald here, or," touching his -shoulders, "is he here, or," touching his chest, "is he here, or," -touching his knee, "is he here?"</p> - -<p>Donald did not hesitate; touching each spot in turn, he answered: -"Donald is here, <i>and</i> here, <i>and</i> here, <i>and</i> here."</p> - -<p>"So it is with God," said his grandfather; "he is in New York and -England and China and the sun and the moon and the stars."</p> - -<p>With a smile that broke like the dawn, and that meant both -understanding and gratitude, Donald stood thoughtfully still a moment, -and then skipped off to his blocks.</p> - -<p>Wonder. That seems to be the first phase of religious experience, -and it grows silently unless it is thrust out by some grown-up -body's system, or is atrophied by studious neglect. Miracles? Santa -Claus? Need we trouble ourselves about these when our<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span> children are -sun-worshipers, polytheists, pagans?</p> - -<p>Wonder is only one part of religion. The natural response to wonder -is ritual. And children, whether we like it or not, are natively -ritualistic. The little son of a well-known writer went with his mother -for the first time in his life to service in the Church of England. As -they entered, the people were singing; as the music ended, the people -knelt.</p> - -<p>"What are they going to do now, Mamma?"</p> - -<p>"They are going to kneel and say their prayers."</p> - -<p>"What! with all their clothes on?"</p> - -<p>Untrained in ecclesiasticism, that small boy had developed a ritual of -his own. Night-clothes, to his mind, were essential to the proprieties -of religion. What does it matter to the ritualist whether or not he -understands all the words he says? The ritual itself is his reaction to -the spirit of reverence.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span></p> - -<p>Indeed, ritual is almost a prerequisite to the spirit of reverence. -It is Professor James who has said that a man does not double up his -fists because he is angry, or tremble because he is afraid; he is -afraid because he trembles, and is angry because he doubles up his -fist. So one may say that a man does not kneel because he is reverent; -he is reverent because he kneels. What power ritual has needs no -further demonstration than that afforded by the Society of Friends. -What ritual surpasses in power that of the Quaker meeting-house? What -vestments have given color and form to character more effectually than -the old-fashioned Quaker garb? If we wish our children to have the -spirit of courtesy, we insist that they acquire the habit of speaking -politely. If we wish them to have the spirit of reverence—there is no -knowing what we shall do, for most of us are very human and irrational.</p> - -<p>That is the reason why we shall probably be careless in considering -the question of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> church attendance. There are some of us, perhaps, -who have the sense to give an intelligent answer to the question, Why -don't you have your children go to church? There is only one rational -answer to that question. It might be put into some such form as this: -"I have no special objection to churches. They are useful. So are -free libraries. People who have no books at home find free libraries -a great benefit; but my family have at home all the books they need. -So people who are not well supplied with religion derive undoubted -benefit from churches; but my family have at home all the religion they -need. The community would be about as well off without any churches -as it is with the churches it has. If no other charity seems more -important, I am willing to contribute to a church as I might to a free -library; but really I see no reason why I should go to church myself, -or expect my children to go." That is a rational answer. I know of no -other answer essentially different<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> that could be called rational. An -equally rational answer can be given to the other question, Why do you -require your children to go to church? It might be put in these words: -"A church of some kind is essential to the welfare of this community. -Without any church, even the value of real estate in this place would -enormously depreciate. That shows how everybody recognizes the church -as a conservator of social morality. In this respect the church stands -alone. The sermons may be nearly as dull as those which I have to -preach to my children; the music may be even less entertaining; but -the congregation represents as no other body of people the moral sense -of the community. Besides that, the church is the only expression of -religion as something not merely individual but also organic. Inasmuch -as the church cannot be a church without a congregation, I am obliged, -if I believe all this, to take my share in maintaining the existence -of that congregation. And since<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span> the responsibility for seeing that -my children take their share cannot be put upon them, it rests upon -me. As a consequence, they no more question why they go to church than -they question why they go to meals. They are not being entertained; -they are not primarily even being instructed. For that reason it is -not necessary, though it may be advantageous, for them to understand -the sermon. They are forming a habit. On much the same grounds I am -acquainting them with the Bible. What they store in their memory now -they need not understand till later. There is a time for learning by -heart; there is a time for understanding. I no more propose to postpone -my children's practice in religious observances until they reach the -age of discretion, than I propose to postpone their practice in being -honest or in learning their five-finger exercises." That answer, like -the other, is rational.</p> - -<p>A part of ritual is the observance of days and seasons. To this phase -of religion we<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> may expect children to be sensitive. Paul's mother came -into the nursery one Sunday afternoon.</p> - -<p>"What are you doing?"</p> - -<p>"Studying."</p> - -<p>Paul's mother was surprised.</p> - -<p>"We try to keep Sunday different from other days. After this we shall -understand that you are not to study on Sundays."</p> - -<p>A little more than two weeks later, Paul came home from school.</p> - -<p>"Sammy is a funny boy," he remarked.</p> - -<p>Sammy is a schoolmate.</p> - -<p>"What has he done?" inquired Paul's mother.</p> - -<p>"Why, Sammy gets his lessons on Sunday."</p> - -<p>Two Sundays had sufficed for the establishment of a tradition in -religion so complete that a violation of it seemed grotesque.</p> - -<p>In regard to the observance of Sunday, one household has reversed the -traditional rule. The ritual characteristic of that <span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span>family originated -in a bachelor uncle's remark. He recalled how alluring were those books -which had been forbidden him, as a boy, on Sunday, and how gray a day -Sunday was because those books were proscribed. He advocated the plan -of selecting certain interesting books, which would be forbidden on -week-days. In other words, he would remove the ban from Sundays, and -put it on the other six days. His plan was adopted. Certain delights, -including several volumes of stories from the Bible, were confined to -Sunday. In consequence, Bible stories are in great favor, and Sunday is -a day of privilege. In that household the ritual of Sunday observance -is a ritual of liberty.</p> - -<p>Besides wonder and ritual, there is a factor in religion on which -children seize. We may call it hero-worship. Others, following the lead -of psychologists, might prefer to name it imitation. As the children -of a certain family gather to look at Bible pictures, they are prone -to ask of any<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> group of people depicted, "Are those people good?" -Reverence for what to them is an ideal may come later than wonder or -ritual, but it is sure to come in time to all children. Those parents -who are ready to take their children as they are and to help the growth -of the spirit as they help the growth of the body incur the peril of -always seeing in this reverence a searching inquisition of their own -lives. The nearest objects of hero-worship that a child has are his -parents. This fact may raise a disturbing inquiry: Shall they puzzle -him by setting forth two ideals of fatherhood, one incorporated in -themselves, the other involved in their representation of the character -of God? Shall they confuse the mind of the child by setting up two -inconsistent standards of human service, their own lives and what they -tell him of the life of Jesus of Nazareth? This dilemma of course is -avoided by such parents as hold either of those comfortable theories, -that religion is a theology and that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> religion is a luxury. In the -one case such questions are not pertinent; in the other they are -unimportant. If, however, we understand religion to be a mode of life, -we may find such questions as these driving us into an uncomfortable -corner. They seem to compel us to pose as exhorter and pattern, and to -force on us a paralyzing self-consciousness. Perhaps it will not harm -us to be occasionally reminded of the fact that we cannot expect our -children to become altogether different from what we are determined to -be; but to be always composing precepts and assuming the attitude of -examples seems to be but a feeble part to play. Happily, we need not -confine our children to the contemplation of ourselves. There are many -who, if we but let them, may share with us the burden of our children's -imitativeness. And here comes our reward, if we have cultivated -their imagination. We may be a bit stingy ourselves; but if we covet -generosity for our children, we can let Abram make the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> suggestion. We -may cherish our own resentments; but if we want our children to despise -theirs, we can let them join that group that heard Peter bidden to put -up his sword. Whatever may happen to us in the process will probably -do us no hurt. We may find another illustration of that which we -encountered at the beginning, that the principal part in the training -of our children is the training of ourselves. This may have meant to -us, when we started on our course, that the training of ourselves was -simply the preparation for the training of our children. By this time -we shall have discovered that it is not so much a preparation as an -outcome. This art of being a parent is an art of give and take. If it -is more blessed to give, as the Lord said, it is, as far as parents -are concerned, quite as obligatory to receive. As much, at least, as -this is the implication in one thing that our Lord did. Whether he ever -instructed a child in the faith we do not know; we have not been told.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span> -What has been told is that when he wished to show his disciples—among -them some parents, we may surmise—what religion was, he took a child -and set him in the midst of them.</p> - - -<p> </p> -<p> </p> -<hr class="full" /> -<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS***</p> -<p>******* This file should be named 60912-h.htm or 60912-h.zip *******</p> -<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br /> -<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/6/0/9/1/60912">http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/9/1/60912</a></p> -<p> -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed.</p> - -<p>Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition.</p> - -<p>Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org</p> - -<p>This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.</p> - -</body> -</html> - diff --git a/old/60912-h/images/cover.jpg b/old/60912-h/images/cover.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index c16da0d..0000000 --- a/old/60912-h/images/cover.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/60912-h/images/logo.jpg b/old/60912-h/images/logo.jpg Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 0ccf82a..0000000 --- a/old/60912-h/images/logo.jpg +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/60912.txt b/old/60912.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 614674f..0000000 --- a/old/60912.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2672 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg eBook, On the Training of Parents, by Ernest Hamlin -Abbott - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - - -Title: On the Training of Parents - - -Author: Ernest Hamlin Abbott - - - -Release Date: December 13, 2019 [eBook #60912] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) - - -***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS*** - - -E-text prepared by MFR, Martin Pettit, and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) from page images generously made -available by Internet Archive (https://archive.org) - - - -Note: Images of the original pages are available through - Internet Archive. See - https://archive.org/details/ontrainingofpare00abborich - - - - - -ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS - -by - -ERNEST HAMLIN ABBOTT - - - "And they shall live with their children." - - -[Illustration: Logo] - - - - - - -Boston and New York -Houghton Mifflin Company -The Riverside Press Cambridge - -Copyright 1908 by Ernest Hamlin Abbott -All Rights Reserved - -Published April 1908 - -Tenth Impression - - - - - _No man has the right to dedicate to another what is not his own. - All that is mine in this little book is its infelicities. These - I dedicate to oblivion. The rest belongs to those two women from - whom I, as son and as husband, have learned all that I know of the - training of parents._ - - - - -CONTENTS - - - I. SPASM AND HABIT 1 - - II. THE WILL AND THE WAY 19 - -III. BY RULE OF WIT 40 - - IV. PEACE AT A PRICE 72 - - V. FOR 'TIS THEIR NATURE TO 93 - - VI. THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM 114 - - - - -ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS - - - - -I - -SPASM AND HABIT - - -A voice like a knife cut the still, warm air. "Now you just go right -down and get that canned salmon." I turned my head and saw a little -girl, in a fluffy dress with a skirt like a parachute, standing in the -midst of the long grass. She was evidently frightened and hesitating. -There was a whimper and a whining protest. A young woman in a wrapper, -with a menacing switch in her hand, was advancing. Her voice grew -sharper: "You do what I say, quick, or I'll whip you good!" The child -beat a retreat toward me; then timidly stood her ground. "It's so -far!" she wailed. The enemy again approached; but the little feet of -the child were nimble enough to keep her at a safe distance. "If you -don't hurry, I'll whip you anyway." Fear of the switch was evidently -mastering the dislike of the task. The little girl burst out crying, -turned down the dusty road, and disappeared in the direction of the -village. - -That incident was the result of government by collision. If that mother -had any principle at all, it might be expressed thus: Wait till the -child does wrong, then collide with her. Of course none of us would -deliberately collide in just this fashion. We should not be so vulgar. -When we have an altercation with a child, we choose less publicity and -have some regard for refinement of phrase. Perhaps, too, we ordinarily -avoid altercation entirely except concerning some grave matter. We -should prefer to do without canned salmon rather than exhibit our -impotence and our temper before the neighbors. When, however, we have -the child in seclusion at our mercy, are we deterred from trying the -collision method by any considerations of principle? If not, we belong -to the same school of parents as the young woman in a wrapper. The -only difference is that we have not her courage of conviction--or of -indolence. - -Now, those who believe in government by collision need read no further; -for I shall assume that such government is only just better than -no government at all, and that, if we fall into its methods, we do -so by accident or because of the frailty of our temper; that every -altercation with a child is a confession of weakness; and that our -principal task is to train ourselves so that we may be able to govern -a child without colliding with him. Of course, in the training of -children, as in managing a railway, it may sometimes be necessary to -occasion a disaster in order to avoid a great catastrophe. If a freight -car is running wild down a grade, it is better to throw it off the -track than to allow it to smash a loaded passenger train. So it may -sometimes be better to let a child collide with you, rather than have -him collide with the community. But in both cases it is better to have -the collision well planned, to recognize it as a disaster, though the -lesser of two possible ones, and, best of all, to prevent any occasion -of resorting to destructive measures. - -The only alternative I know to government by collision is government by -habit. To show what I mean, may I cite an instance in contrast to the -episode of the switch and the canned salmon? That same summer a small -boy, six years old, was playing with his blocks. His mother in the next -room suddenly realized that she had not ordered the fruit that was -needed for the household. "Max!" she called. Now Max is no prig, but -he had learned that he was expected to come when called; so, with an -injunction to his playmates not to disturb the bridge he was building, -he appeared at the doorway. "What is it?" (He ought to have said, "Yes, -mamma;" but, as I have remarked, Max is thoroughly human.) "I want -you to do an errand for me--something you've never done before. I want -you to go to the grocery and get six oranges." Max started off. "Wait -a moment. You've never gone alone on such a long errand before. Do you -believe you can do it quickly, and not dawdle?" Max thought he could, -and in fact did the errand as promptly as could be expected. He had -been accustomed to obedience; in addition, he had become accustomed to -accepting some measure of responsibility. The mother controlled him, -not by violence, but by habit. The occurrence was the result of a long -process, and became in turn a cause of future occurrences of similar -character. Reduced to its simplest terms, then, the process of training -children is the process of forming habits. - -The earliest habits are physical. The whole duty of man during the -first few weeks of his existence consists in feeding and sleeping -regularly; and most of the rights of man during that period consist in -being let alone. Listen to the eminent French psychologist, Th. Ribot: -"The new-born infant is a spinal being, with an unformed, diffluent -brain, composed largely of water. Reflex life itself is not complete in -him, and the cortico-motor system only hinted at; the sensory centres -are undifferentiated, the associational systems remain isolated, for -a long time after birth." Doesn't it make you shudder to think of -dandling such a creature as that on a hard-gaited knee? Does not that -"unformed, diffluent brain, composed largely of water," plead to be -let alone? Yet the impulse of most parents when they encounter their -new possession is to do something to it,--to take it up, to carry it -about, and, as soon as its eyes are really open, to try and show it -things, to evoke from it some kind of human expression. It seems as if -we were all beset by a doubt that our offspring is really a creature -of our own kind, and that we were bound to make it establish, by some -proof, its right to a place at the top of creation. Now, the instincts -of the infant are all in other directions. Yielding to these, the -mite seems to be utterly indifferent to the honors of its station -in animal life, and even to the attention it receives. It wants to -cry occasionally, to feed periodically, and to sleep a great deal. -And, in spite of our experience, we are wrong, and the diminutive -thing, with a cortico-motor system only hinted at, with sensory -centres undifferentiated, and with the extraordinary disadvantage of -having completely isolated associational centres, is right. The first -habits, therefore, which the parents have to form in the training of -their child are their own; and the most important of these is the -habit of non-interference, which is another name for the habit of -self-restraint. Fortunately, we parents can at the outset devote our -attention chiefly to this for several months. If we wish to avoid, -in later years, the necessity for resorting to government by spasm, -and to establish instead government by habit, we do not have to begin -by experimenting on a helpless child; we can begin, fortunately, by -experimenting on ourselves. - -It is during this period that we have the best chance of learning the -difference between governing children and interfering with them; for -though that midget will not thrive under interference, he will thrive -under government. He does not need to be told what to do, but he does -depend on us to teach him when to do it. While, therefore, we are -forming in ourselves the habit of non-interference, we are also forming -in him the habit of regularity. If we begin that way, we save both him -and ourselves a great deal of trouble. - -One mother, for instance, when she hears her baby cry, runs to him, -picks him up, dances him up and down, offers him food, dangles a bell -in front of him, talks to him, takes him to the window, tries every -imaginable device to quiet him. "It's wicked, I think," says she, "to -try to stifle my maternal instincts. The poor little dear! how could -I be so cruel as not to respond to his cry for me?" She is assuming -several things. She assumes, first, that the baby is crying for her, -whereas he is probably crying because he needs the exercise. That is -the only way he can expand his lungs. When he cries because of pain, -or anger, or nervous irritability, the cry will be unmistakable; -and the response ought to be, not a wild series of spasms, but an -intelligent treatment of the cause. She assumes, in the second place, -that the impulse to rid herself of the annoyance of hearing the cry is -a maternal instinct. If that were so, a lot of gruff old bachelors on -railway trains are frequently moved by maternal instinct. The maternal -instinct, in fact, is something quite different--it is the instinct of -care, watchfulness, nurture, and it does not call for spasms. In the -third place, she assumes that it would be cruel not to experiment with -her child--at least so it appears; for what she does is to try in quick -succession a series of experiments, no one of which is continued long -enough to be of any value, and all of which, as she might easily learn, -have been proved to be of no permanent value in producing placid, -contented babies. - -The other mother, when she hears the cry, listens. If it is a cry of -pain, she knows it in an instant. It is amazing how quickly a mother -learns that language. It is a mystery to most men, though even to -them not unsearchable. Physicians, after experience in children's -wards, understand it; and even a father, if he is patient, can -acquire a moderate knowledge of it. But a mother, or even a nurse, -if she is moved by a genuine maternal instinct and not by a selfish -desire for her own comfort, is almost an adept at the start. At the -cry of pain, that mother in a moment is looking for the misplaced -pin, or rearranging the irritating bit of clothing, or remedying the -uncomfortable position, or searching for a more hidden cause. If it -is a cry of irritability, she blames herself for having rocked the -child a few moments before, and steels herself against repeating the -indulgence. If it is a cry of hunger, she looks at the clock to see -if it is the hour for another feeding. If it is just "plain cry," -she smiles, for she knows that he is doing that in lieu of playing -baseball or riding horseback. When it is meal-time, she, exercising the -discretion which he is not always able to exercise for himself, gently -withdraws the food supply when he has had all that is good for him. And -when it is time for him to go to sleep, she arranges him comfortably in -his crib, darkens the room, and leaves him. If then he emits another -"plain cry," she is not disturbed. He has as much a right to cry as -he has to sleep. If she lets him go to sleep in her arms, for the love -of feeling him there, she will not complain later, when it is more -inconvenient, if he remonstrates against going to sleep in any other -way. She will know that in that respect, as in respect to his regular -feeding, she has governed him by habit. Either she will have to pay the -penalty of having established in her kingdom an inconvenient law, or -else she will have to inflict upon him, as well as herself, the penalty -of establishing later, and at greater cost, another and more convenient -custom which might just as well have been established in the first -place. This penalty may involve a collision--though possibly a mild -one. Even in that case, however, in the very difficulty of supplanting -an old custom by a new one, she will have evidence of the strength of -her government by habit. - -There is no reason why regularity once established should not become -for all future years a routine. We all know how hard it is to break up -a bad habit. Happily, it is just as hard to break up a good one. The -difference between the child who teases for every new variety of food -on the table, pushes away the dishes that are set before him, whines -when he is told it is bedtime, eats and goes to sleep only after much -coaxing, and the child who accepts his food and his hours for sleep -as a matter of course, as he accepts the house he lives in, is simply -the difference between a bad habit and a good one. It is no easier to -change the one habit than it is the other. After a child has learned -to get his food and go to bed with whining and teasing, it is very -difficult for him to learn to eat and sleep in any other fashion; it -is equally difficult for a child who has learned to eat and enjoy food -adapted to him, and to go to bed at a suitable hour, to understand -why all sorts of strange decoctions should be offered to him, and -why he should not get undressed when his bedtime comes. Of course -the spirit of adventure, which is strong in most normal children, -will lead them sometimes to sample some things that they see their -elders--or, for that matter, the animals--eating; and to race about -the halls, exploring the domain of the dark, after they are supposed -to be asleep; but even this spirit of adventure, which sometimes -brings discouragement to the mother, is a tribute to regular life; and -it is denied to those children whose whole life consists in a series -of parental experiments. The little lad who at a children's party -declines the sweetmeats is no angel. Nor is his companion, who grabs -the dainties an imp. They are both, like the rest of us, creatures -of habit. The theory of total depravity, by which our forefathers -explained the unpleasant doings of youngsters, is, I have concluded, a -doctrine which parents devised in order to shift the burden of their -own failures to the shoulders of their offspring. - -This practice of regularity in the physical care of children[1] will -lay the foundation, not only of health and contentment, but also -of moral discipline. When we have eliminated the opportunities for -collision with our children at meal-times and bedtime, we are well -on our way toward eliminating government by collision altogether. -The quiet exercise of authority involved in carrying out a simple -regimen of diet and of rest will almost automatically extend to other -matters. The most difficult part of this exercise of authority will be -overcome when the parent learns self-restraint. Not to run to a child -every time he cries is the beginning of learning not to yield to a -child every time he wants something. In many cases authority is thus -exercised by doing nothing. The mother, for example, has left the baby -creeping about alone in his nursery. She has left him a ball and two -or three blocks with which he can experiment, and another ball hanging -from a cord within his reach which he can swing to and fro. He is -learning that the ball is soft and can roll, that the blocks are hard -and cannot roll, and that the pendulum swings regularly. He is as well -occupied in his work as the mother is in hers. Suddenly she hears a cry -of vexation. If it continues, she steps to the door to see what has -happened. He has raised himself up by the window and is trying to reach -the tassel at the end of the cord on the window-shade, and finds it -above his outstretched hands. She might go to the window, draw down the -shade, and, holding it firm, let him play with the cord till he tires; -but she knows that it would be inconvenient to have him continually -playing with the window-shade in the house, and she does not want him -to begin. She might then take him up and distract his attention till -he forgets. But she knows that if she does this once, she will be -called upon to do it again. So she shakes her head and says "No," which -she has taught him to understand, and, after making sure that he is -in no danger of a fall, leaves him and returns to her work. By doing -nothing she has done what for the time being is the hardest thing. As -she closes the door she hears another wail of vexation, but she does -not interfere. She has exercised her authority simply by exercising -self-restraint. - -It all depends on what we want our children to be whether we employ -the method of spasm or the method of self-restraint. Of course those -of us who think pertness in a child is a virtue, who regard a fit -of teasing as "smart" or "cunning," who enjoy the exhilaration of -encountering a child as an adversary and breaking down his opposition, -can develop in children habitual pertness, teasing, and disobedience -with the utmost ease. It requires, however, no especial genius to -avoid these qualities. Other traits, it may be, require something like -genius--something at least beyond persistence and self-restraint--to -create; but to provide children with a contented acquiescence in a -regular life and an habitual disposition to obedience requires of the -parents no qualities of mind which are not common to all of us mortals. - -FOOTNOTE: - -[1] For directions in this matter I know of no book to compare with Dr. -L. Emmett Holt's _The Care and Feeding of Children_, published by D. -Appleton & Co. Intelligently followed by a mother, with due regard to -the individual peculiarities of the children under her care, the system -outlined in that volume will save the mother an enormous amount of -energy and worry and the child a great deal of injustice. It ought to -arrive in every household with the first-born baby, or, better, a few -weeks in advance. The physician who sees that it does, in every family -he attends, will win a wealth of gratitude and confidence. In my own -household it came that way. As a supplement, not a substitute, I also -recommend Dr. Emelyn L. Coolidge's _The Mother's Manual_ (A. S. Barnes -& Co.) - - - - -II - -THE WILL AND THE WAY - - -Parents regard their children with all sorts of feelings, with love -of course, with indulgence, with amusement, and even, so it is said, -with self-complacency and admiration; but it sometimes seems as if very -few regard them with respect. No one who respects another will lie to -him, or visit him with empty threats, or make to him vain promises; -yet fathers and mothers in all parts of the country are at this moment -lying to their children, threatening them with punishments they do not -mean to inflict, and making promises they do not intend to fulfill. -The faith of a child ought to be proverbial. It is the only substance -of things hoped for which many children ever get. I sometimes wonder -if it is really just to lay the Fifth Commandment upon all American -children. Somehow, there seems to be something reciprocal implied -in it. If that commandment is of universal application, it can be -considered so, I imagine, only on the ground that it states a duty -owed ultimately not to the parents but to the Almighty. Certainly that -parent who does not respect his children has no personal claim upon -their honor. - -What I mean by respect for a child I can perhaps explain best by an -instance. Marshall, aged seven, had yielded to temptation in the form -of a preserved pear. Instead of putting the temptation behind him, -he had put it within him; and he had been caught. The maternal court -decided that a fair equivalent for this pear was a week of desserts. -For two days the culprit sat inactive at the close of dinner while his -comrades ate with relish their portions of pudding. Then unexpectedly -came an invitation to dinner from a friend. On the return homeward an -aunt remarked, "I noticed that Marshall ate dessert with the others." -"Yes," replied his mother, "I think he must have forgotten. I noticed -it too, but I did not speak to him because there was no expectation of -this treat when the punishment was determined upon. Besides, I do not -think it would have been just to add to his punishment by humiliating -him before the others." - -In this case respect for the youthful Marshall meant, first, -attributing the failure to observe the rule to something besides -deliberate intent; second, recognizing that he was to be treated not -merely with severity, but also with justice; and, third, appreciating -the individuality of the child, which included special sensitiveness -to the attention and opinion of others. The very fact that Marshall -was accustomed to regularity of discipline, to invariableness in -punishment, and even to ridicule of vanity or silliness, made it -possible for his mother to do something that smacked of irregularity -and of variableness, and to save him from unnecessary abasement. -Just because she had a rule which she habitually followed, she could -break it. She could not have broken it if she had not had it. The -effectiveness of this act of omission lay in the very fact that it was -an exception. It was a case in which fairness to the boy depended upon -inconsistency. This only illustrates the truth that in dealing with a -child you may violate any principle so long as you keep your respect -for the child inviolate. And the secret of respect for a child lies in -regarding him as a human being. - -The limitation of the devotee of "child study," the scientific -investigator of "child nature," the observer of "the child mind," -is that he cannot regard a child as a human being. In other words, -his limitation consists in being too broad. He observes individuals -only for the sake of disregarding their individuality. He is busy -establishing some general laws of childhood. He must choose to know -nothing of children that he may know the Child. As soon as he begins -to respect an individual child he becomes personal and biased; and as -soon as he becomes personal and biased he ceases to be scientific. A -good mother, on the other hand, is good just because of her prejudices. -She knows so much about her child that her testimony is scientifically -worthless. In everything the child does she sees something he, and not -another child has done before; and she makes her judgments accordingly. -And it is just because her observations would be vicious in a table of -statistics that they are the best possible basis for conduct. In other -words, she is dealing, not with a subject, a cadaver, so to speak, that -can be classified, but with a live being that for her purposes belongs -in a class by himself. That is what I mean by respecting a child. - -It is here that the teacher and the parent are at odds. The teacher -is dealing with childhood, the parent is dealing with Dick-hood or -Mary-hood. The teacher is engaged chiefly in providing each child with -the equipment that belongs by right to all civilized children; the -parent, on the other hand, is bound to bring each child to his, and -not another's, highest development. The teacher is responsible for the -school or the class; the parent, for the boy or girl. The difference in -point of view makes the difference in duty. It was from the parental -point of view that the ancient sage wrote his proverb--"Train up a -child in the way he should go." He was not thinking of the way of -universal obligation, for what he really said was, "Train up a child -in the way he [that particular individual] is to go;" in other words, -prepare him for the kind of life for which he is fitted. In order -to do this, one must have regard for that child's temperament, his -distinctive traits. - -The severest test of our respect for a child comes when we find his -will conflicting with ours. It is easy enough to overbear a child's -will; it is difficult to educate it. The hardest task of a parent is -to retain respect for a child while administering a spanking. It is -easy to roll out the cant saying, "I spank you because I love you," but -it is very difficult to bring one's self into that frame of mind in -which it would be the mere truth to say, "I spank you because I respect -you." Anybody, by simply being persistent, can thwart a child; and any -one with the ordinary strength of an adult can beat him; but no one who -is unwilling to do him the courtesy of regarding him as an individual -can master and direct a child, or really punish him. - -Not long ago I was traveling in a day coach. In front of me were a -man, a woman, and a small boy of about five years. The woman was the -dominant member of the group. Her face, with its thin, compressed -lips and its hard gray eyes, had a look of indolent selfishness with -a suggestion of latent high temper. The man seemed rather dull, weak, -and unhappy. The boy had the rotund, insensitive countenance of his -father; but he had not yet lost interest in life. He was no more -restless than a boy of his age ought to be. When his mother found -his movements disturbing, she darted a rebuke at him. For the moment -he sat still or moved out of the way. Finally he edged out into the -aisle. The woman made a pretense of ordering him back into the seat. -The boy, evidently realizing that his mother, since she was now put to -no inconvenience by him, had no intention of enforcing her command, -remained passively where he was. When his mother's attention was -distracted, he made use of his freedom to get a little mild gymnastic -exercise. The train as it drew up to a station jerkily stopped. The -lurch of the car threw the boy backward on the floor. Stunned for but -an instant, the little lad sent forth a wail. Some of the passengers -turned around; others started forward to the child. The woman was -obviously annoyed by the disturbance. Before the father had fairly -picked him up, she seized the child, roughly brushed off his clothes, -and set him violently down on the seat. "You're a bad boy." She spat -the words out at him and shook him. She turned to her husband: "I told -him not to stand there." The man was silenced before his dull wits -allowed him the chance to speak. "Now," to the boy, "stop your crying." -The youngster could not repress his sobs; he was still somewhat dazed. -The man gently rubbed the back of the lad's head. The woman glanced at -the spectators. She must have noticed that her method of avoiding a -scene was not altogether successful. She leaned toward the boy. "Did -you hurt yourself?" she asked, and took him into her lap. He let his -head fall indifferently on the woman's shoulder. Her tardy and rather -formal caresses aroused no response. She put him back on the seat, less -ungently than before. "Now will you be good?" - -If any but the fool is ever tempted to doubt the existence of God, -it is when he reflects that children are intrusted to the mercy of -such women as this. None of us is of her breed. We do not like her -coarseness. We should never allow ourselves to make the mistake she -made--of being found out. She was too frank with her emotions. She had -not the skill to conceal the springs of her conduct. What difference, -at bottom, however, is there between her and us when we are governed, -in disciplining a child, by the degree of our own displeasure? Every -one of us has been, on occasions, at heart as incompetent as this -vulgar female. We have all of us judged children, at one time and -another, by their conformity to our will. A very good woman it was, -of the straitest New England doctrines, who sent a boy supperless to -bed because, while putting on his overcoat, he accidentally toppled -over and smashed a prized vase. That boy is now a man gray with years -and laden with honors; but to this day he has not forgotten the fact -that he was made to suffer, not for his own fault, but for his aunt's -disappointment. - -The only thing that will free us from the futile way of the ogreish -woman on the railway car and the austere Puritan lady is an abiding -respect for our children. This will save us from attributing to our -children our own willfulness! To be authoritative with children -is something else besides being opinionated. The opinionated may -compel obedience; but only the authoritative secure it. And even the -opinionated find obedience not easy of compulsion. When caprice assumes -command, I have a sly conviction that disobedience becomes a virtue. -Preliminary to teaching children how to obey is the process of learning -how to command. When a child is intransigent, it is worth while to -consider whether it is not he that is administering a rebuke. - -Sometimes resistance to even rightful authority is not as depraved as -we, who do not fancy being resisted, delude ourselves into thinking. -There comes the time when any child will exult at the discovery that -he is a being apart. He naturally wants to measure his will, and his -mother's or his father's will is the handiest standard of comparison. -A test of that sort is sometimes disconcerting. A five-year-old, too -much given to sliding down from his chair at meal-time, was warned -by his father that whenever in the future he should leave his chair, -he should not be allowed to return to the table. Soon afterwards the -boy disappeared from his place. He had evidently renewed his slippery -ways, and had made up his mind to lurk beneath the table and await -results. Intent upon the enforcement of the decree, his father said -sternly, "You may be excused." Forthwith a head of tousled hair was -thrust above the level of the table. "But I didn't leave my chair." -Sure enough, there he lay prone across the seat, like a bag of meal -on an ass's back. His father had to find what scant refuge he could in -the permissive form of his sentence of dismissal. The lad's wits had -won a victory for his will. Those who enter such an engagement without -reconnoitring must accept the risk, and, if they wish to preserve the -advantage of a commanding position, must abide by the results of any -such skirmish. To turn it into a battle of wills is to commit the -blunder of underestimating their opponent's strength. A child's will is -not a fragile thing. It is not "broken" when it is overcome by another -will reinforced by physical strength. An old lady of Maine, now gone to -her own place,--which I venture to say is not far from that of Luther -and Knox and Jonathan Edwards,--once told me how, when a small girl, -she had had her will broken; she recounted the passionate resistance, -the screaming protestation, the convulsive and futile rage exhausted -only by hours of kicking and pounding the floor, and her final -capitulation, announced by her picking up the toy which, in defiance -of her father's order, she had at first refused to touch. She gloried -in this Spartan training, and deplored the lack of it in the present -degenerate generation. It was this same old lady, with the "broken" -will, who, rejecting all advances, stanchly maintained her side in a -family feud to, I believe, her dying day. Her will, it is plain, had -not even been cracked; it showed not so much as a suture; neither had -it been trained. The only treatment it had received had been one of -contumely. The old lady was not exactly to blame for the outcome. - -If we respect a child's will, we shall give it a chance to operate. We -do not thereby surrender a pea's weight of authority. A certain young -mother, let us say, believes that there is a sort of unselfishness -that has no part in love: she will not relieve her children of effort -and responsibility. One of her brood, a lad of seven, with a touch -of dreaminess in his mobile face, with impatience of the material -restraints of time and space, with a will of his own that is the harder -to direct because it is seldom aggressive, is engaged in propelling a -vast tow of block barges along the river that winds across the nursery -floor. Of his companions, one is umpiring a game of football between -teams of leaden soldiers, and the other is constructing a fearsome -dungeon ten blocks deep. At the door appears Authority. "It is now four -o'clock," she announces. "At a quarter past four I want to have all the -blocks and toys put away." The football umpire and the dungeon-builder, -sniffing a prospective treat, bring their operations to an abrupt -close. The lad of dreams listens abstractedly, and then turns with -great puffing and snorting to his labors of navigation. Inattention? -Partly; but partly, too, a deliberate choice of present pleasure and -a willful rejection of the words of authority. Ten, eleven, twelve -minutes pass. Again sounds the authoritative voice. "In three minutes -it will be a quarter past four. I shall want you then to begin to wash -and dress for a drive. Eric, I am afraid you won't be able to go with -us; your blocks are not put away." She might, of course, justly tell -him then and there that he will not be allowed to go; she chooses, -however, the better way, and lets him wrestle with the situation. -"You had better not stop to cry," she warns him; "there is no time to -waste." In fractious misery he hurriedly begins his belated task. His -will, so far from being broken or weakened, is actually stiffened; but -it is now enlisted on the side of authority. The others--not a whit -more virtuous, by the way, but only more sagacious--are half dressed -before he has put his blocks in order. If he fails to overtake them, he -will stand disconsolate, abject, perhaps tempestuous, and watch them -depart. He has had his way, but he has won no victory; he has simply -learned the cost of willfulness. If he succeeds in overtaking them, he -will not have lost his lesson. His mother, it is true, will not exactly -have had her way; but she reckons that no loss, as her way was not her -end; she will have enlisted his will. The victory which the boy will -have won is not over her. The only antagonist he has had is himself. -Because of her respect for him, he will now have a new respect for -himself and for her. He is on the road to acquiring the will to obey. - -If it had been one of the other two who had disobeyed, her course -might have been different. A sullen, recalcitrant will, open-eyed, -calculating, defiant, might easily suggest a different treatment. "You -have chosen your leaden soldiers; now leaden soldiers it shall be. -Since you did not make your duty your choice, then I shall arrange -matters so that your choice shall be your duty. Nothing but leaden -soldiers till we return." Such a variation in the treatment of -children smacks not in the least of partiality. It simply means that -respect for the child has involved respect for his individuality. The -maxim, Let the punishment fit the crime, may express a principle of -action useful for the government of a State or of a school; but for -the purposes of the home it should be altered so as to read, Let the -punishment fit the child. - -This ought to be the answer whenever that question arises that still -serves the purpose of discussion in the correspondence columns of the -newspapers, Is corporal punishment defensible? The conventional answer -nowadays is, No. This is supposed to betoken the benignant mind. Any -other answer nowadays classifies one as an autocratic brute. It seems -to be assumed that corporal punishment must necessarily be administered -in the jaunty spirit of the Chinese proverb which runs: "A cloudy -day--leisure to beat the children." Real tenderness of heart, so -runs the accepted modern doctrine, forbids the infliction of physical -pain. In all these discussions, however, one consideration seems to be -ignored--a decent respect for children. To one who is governed by this -consideration, there is only one answer to the question, Do you believe -in spanking a child? That answer is comprised in another question, What -child? It is not necessary to go as far as Menander, who declared, "He -who is not flogged is not educated," to be convinced that a good many -children have been deprived of their rights because they have never -been spanked. - -There was once a little girl who could never forget the indignity -she suffered in a spanking she had received. She grew up with her -mind resolutely set against all corporal punishment. In the course of -time she was married and had two children. With one of them she had -no problems of discipline; but with the other, a daughter, she had -problems that taxed her wits to the utmost. At times the little girl -seemed verily possessed. At last, in desperation, this harassed mother, -driven into recreancy to her own principle, resorted to the form of -chastisement she had forsworn. The effect was instantaneous. The child -was relieved, as it were, from herself. With some temperaments in some -moods the rod is like the wand of a magician. The childish petulance, -the outburst of temper, the streak of almost malicious perversity, is -but the child's way of expressing his quarrel with himself; and when -the sharp physical pain comes, it seems to announce the subjugation of -an enemy. In a household there are three children. One, sensitive to -physical pain, shrivels and warps at the very prospect of it; a second -is deterred from no act by the fear of it, and is altered not a whit by -the memory of it; the third seems to find in it the comforting sense -of being mastered at those times when he is out of sorts with himself, -and responds to it with renewed affection and restored sweetness of -temper. For the mother of that trio academic discussions on corporal -punishment are not only uninteresting--they are positively irritating. -She has paid her children the decent respect of considering their -temperaments. - - - - -III - -BY RULE OF WIT - - -At a dinner-table one evening, a man who was interested in his own -children stated a rule by which he made sure that no child of his would -disobey him. The rule is infallible. He remarked to his companion:-- - -"I never give a command to my children." - -"What do you do?" he was asked. - -"I tell them stories." - -That expresses a perfectly intelligible policy: Abdicate, and you will -never have a disobedient child. You will also never have an obedient -one. The fact that the man who made this statement was an Anarchist -explains his theory. He regarded obedience not as a virtue, but as -a defect. He was altogether consistent. A disbeliever in government -for society, he declined to establish any government for his family. -In place of government, however, he at least took pains to establish -something else. This was a systematic appeal to the child's imagination. - -If one had to choose between government and influence over -children through the imagination, there might be some reason for -discarding government. As a matter of fact, however, the use of the -imagination, so far from being antagonistic to effective government, -is indispensable to it. The reason why we parents so often fail in -securing obedience, and, what is more important still, in developing -in our children the spirit of obedience, is that we are deficient in -imagination--or at least that what imagination we have is untrained. - -In this faculty in which we are weak, children are strong. A little -four-year-old I know, in making letters for his own amusement, -frequently attaches arms and legs to them; it is his way of -pictorially representing the animation he ascribes to them. Indeed, -he sometimes goes so far as to transfer in mind these limbs to the -object which the letters spell. Thus, he laboriously prints the letters -P-I-G, adds to each letter a lively pair of legs, and exclaims: "See, -the pig is running!" Mental processes like that, complicated though it -is, are common with children. A child left alone in the nursery with -his blocks will find them transformed into trains, steamboats, people, -trees, animals, whatever he wills. In this picturesque form imagination -may be called fancy; but it has many other phases. Imagination is an -element in memory. Ability to recall a sound requires imagination. -When, for instance, a child repeats a word he has heard some one use, -his imagination has enabled him to summon up the sound of that word. -Imagination is an element in emulation. When a child is trying to outdo -another, or outdo his own past performances, he has to picture to his -mind what he or his competitor has done and what the desirable outcome -of the struggle would be. Imagination is an element even in fear and -hope. When a child dreads a punishment or eagerly awaits a reward, it -is his imagination that gives him the power to anticipate. - -Like every other instinct, imagination needs training. We all carry -about with us a menagerie of instincts. Some of them have been -ill-treated. In what a pitiable shape is the dyspeptic's food instinct! -It has died of over-indulgence, and its corpse mocks him at every -meal. The instinct of fighting has been given a bad name, and in many -a well-conducted menagerie is kept chained; but it has been known to -survive the most rigorous repression, and to spring out with most -abounding vitality in the midst of a meeting on behalf of peace. We -have learned to avoid those people whose instinct of curiosity is -not bridle-wise; and we all have recourse at times to those who -have nourished, groomed, and trained their play instinct. The fact -is, that the process of education consists largely in transforming -these instincts of ours, which in their original state are wild and -unmanageable, into domesticated and useful habits. - -Now, imagination is a vigorous beast. Its youthful antics are very -picturesque and amusing; it is sometimes whimsical and troublesome; but -it can be made of the greatest service. Indeed, for all kinds of work, -I know of no species of instinct which I would more highly recommend. -As a draught animal it is indefatigable; and nothing else can take its -place for pleasure-driving. Yet I have heard of a private school for -young women from which all fairy books are excluded, on the ground -that a girl's imagination needs repression. Like some other instincts, -imagination cannot be altogether repressed, though it can be tamed and -guided. If it is left boxed up and wild, it is apt to break out and -take a canter through dangerous regions. Since, then, we cannot take a -child's imagination from him, and we run into peril if we neglect it, -the profitable course is to show him how to break it to harness and -make it serve him. - -We cannot do this, however, unless we have paid some attention to the -training of our own imagination. As a wild young colt will trot about -beside its dam, so a child's imagination will readily follow that of an -older person. But the two must be at least in the same lot. If we are -going to appeal to a child's imagination in teaching him how to obey, -we must exercise some imagination in giving commands. We thus come -upon that recurrent principle that the chief task in the training of -children is the training of ourselves. - -That imagination may be used in maintaining strictness of discipline -seems to some to be almost a contradiction in terms. It seems like -invoking an imp of dreams to assist in adding up a column of figures. -In many minds imagination suggests dreaminess, wool-gathering, -waywardness, irresponsibility. That is one reason why we parents who -like to be obeyed, who are inclined to believe that it is a virtue -to be dictatorial, and who sometimes confuse our own will with the -immutable principles of righteousness, so often fall into error. -To a child there is nothing more serious, nothing more real and -regular, than the products of his imagination, and nothing more vague, -whimsical, irregular, than the unexplained orders which he receives -from grown people. If we wish to impress a child with the seriousness -and reality of our authority, we had better put our imagination into -condition. - -There were two small boys in a town of the Middle West. Active, -spirited, mischievous, and in other respects healthy, these two -tads--the younger about four years old, I believe--gave their father -and mother much concern. One day an old drill-sergeant established -in the neighborhood a class for boys, and in a short time received -these two as pupils. The transformation was sudden. The boys were -soldiers. Happily, their mother was imaginative. They were therefore -soldiers not merely in the class, but also at home. The standards of -conduct put before them, the punishments dealt out to them, and the -rewards bestowed upon them were such as befitted defenders of the -home. Obedience, promptness, chivalry, order, courage, regularity, -honor, truthfulness, were not unreasonable qualities to expect from -such as they. When one of these warriors was absent without leave -for the greater part of a day--in other words, ran away--it was not -inappropriate that he should be kept in solitary confinement on -short rations. The discipline meted out to those youngsters was, -from any point of view, severe. Even corporal punishment, which, as -ordinarily applied, is crudely devoid of the imaginative element, -became measurably glorified; it was a part of the hardship which they -were called upon to endure as good soldiers. Of course this regime -was accompanied with plenty of instruction in military traditions -and practices. A constant visitor to that household has found in the -manliness and good breeding of these children a source of amazed -gratification. In another family, who had no access to a drill-sergeant -with a streak of poetry, a somewhat different method has been in vogue. -The boys in that family do not belong, as it were, to the regular -army, but rather to the militia. They are not always under a military -regime, but are liable to a summons at any time. When they hear the -command, "Fall in," they know they are expected to stand in line and -await orders. In the absence of their parents, they know that the older -person left in charge is their commanding officer; and upon their -parents' return they know that they will be called upon to fall into -line, salute, and report to their father. Each is supposed to report -any infraction of discipline which he himself--not his comrades--has -committed. No punishment is administered as a result of such report, -except for deliberate concealment. Each also reports some especial -pleasure he has had. A good report is followed by formal and official -congratulation. A reminder in the form of a sign, marked "Remember -the Report," and placed in a conspicuous position in the nursery, has -helped to train and direct their imagination. Since the report includes -a record of enjoyments as well as of offenses, this reminder is not so -threatening as to many people it would seem. Indeed, the proposal that -such a sign be used met with instant approval from the young militiamen. - -Those who object to tin soldiers as toys will have little patience with -this metamorphosis of real children into creatures of militarism. -Very well, let them be monks instead, or members of a labor union, or -railway employees, or idealized legislators, or even honest policemen, -anything that will not put too great a strain on the imagination--of -the adults. The point is simply that the exercise of the strictest -authority over children is compatible with the most lavish use of the -imagination. - -There is nothing necessarily soft or flabby about the imaginative life. -There is no special reason why little children should be afflicted -with continual talk about the dear little birdies or the sweet little -flowers. Indeed, the natural taste of children seems to be attracted in -the opposite direction. One small boy, when he inquired about a bloody -Bible picture, and was put off with the explanation that it was not a -pleasant story, expressed the views of many of his age when, looking up -angelically, he exclaimed with ecstasy, "I like to hear about horrid -things." - -Even the rod can, as I have suggested, be used imaginatively. A small -boy who is well acquainted with the story of the Israelites in Egypt -has invoked its aid. He is not overburdened with a sense of moral -responsibility. One day, when he was dawdling over his task of changing -his shoes and stockings, it was suggested that his father be an -Egyptian and he be an Israelitish slave. He joyfully acquiesced. His -father took the tip of a bamboo fishing-rod as badge of authority and -stood by. In a few moments the boy was dawdling. A slight rap over the -shins recalled him to his duty. There was no complaint; for he knew it -was the business of the overseer to keep the slave at his task. His -shoes and stockings were changed in a very much shorter time than was -customary; and he contemplated his finished work with satisfaction. A -few days later, when he had a similar task to perform, he proposed of -his own accord a repetition of the performance; and carried out his -part with spirit. When we adults remember how much we rely upon some -outside stimulus to keep us at our work--the need of money, the esteem -of our neighbors, the fear of disease, the mandate of the law--we -ought to be able to understand the reason why such an appeal to the -imagination as this acted as a reinforcement of the boy's will, and -therefore, by very reason of its disciplinary character, was actually -welcomed. - -Two other boys similarly acquainted with the experiences of Israel in -Egypt contrived an application of one of those experiences to their -own case. They had several times been thrilled by the account of the -exciting race between the Israelites and the Egyptians to the Red Sea, -and had repeatedly found relief in the safe arrival of the Israelites -on the other side and the literally overwhelming defeat of the cruel -army of Pharaoh. One evening their mother was engaged in washing -the supper dishes, and they were engaged, as usual, in helping her -by wiping the silver. On several occasions they had been so little -intent on their work that their mother had finished all the washing -and had wiped the china and glassware before they had wiped and put -away the silver. This evening one of them suddenly became seized with -a fancy. His mother was the Egyptian army and he and his comrade were -the host of Israel. When the last fork had rattled into its place and -the silver-drawer was shut, what a shout of joy arose! The Egyptians -had been outdistanced; the Israelites were safe. After that, when there -were signs of inattention, the warning cry, "The Egyptians are coming!" -would rouse them into instant and happy action. Now those children -usually do this work rapidly. They have formed in themselves a valuable -habit. - -That was not a device. It was the exemplification of a principle. A -habit, I suppose, can be beaten into a child; but it is more lasting -as well as more wholesome if it has been created, in part at least, by -the child's own will; and it is the imagination, charged as it is with -feeling, which can most surely summon the will into activity. - -The difference between ignoring this principle and recognizing it may -be illustrated by contrasting two concrete instances. In the one case -the mother appears at the nursery door. - -"Look at this room!" she exclaims; "it is very untidy." She thus puts -the brand of disapproval upon disorder. "All the blocks and toys must -be put away and you must be all washed for supper by six o'clock; and -you have so much to do, you must begin at once." - -"But I want to build this house." - -"No; you must begin now." This is for the purpose, the mother explains -to herself, of preparing the child to meet the harsh demands of an -unfeeling world. - -She notes that the child begins listlessly to pick up some of the -scattered blocks, one by one, and drop them into the box where they -are kept. After an absence of several minutes she returns. She sees -but little change, although the child is hastily putting some toys -away. She is aware, however, that this activity started only when her -footfall sounded in the hall. - -"If those things are not all in their places on time, I shall have to -punish you." - -The mother is vexed, the child is unhappy and rebellious. A daily -experience of this sort may result finally in some kind of habit in -the child; but only at great cost of effort to the mother, and at the -sacrifice of much of the normal relationship between the two. - -Another mother appears at the door of the nursery. - -"In five minutes it will be time to begin to put away the blocks -and toys," she announces, thus giving some time for the builder to -complete operations. Then she asks, "What are you going to be this -evening?" - -"I think I'll be Michael bringing the wood to the wood-box for the -fire." - -In five minutes she calls: "Michael, I want all the wood put into the -wood-box." - -The builder is now transformed for the time being into Michael. He has -seen the lusty Irishman carry great armfuls of wood, and his own frail -arms assume new dignity. He gathers the blocks by the dozen, and as he -lets them fall, kerplunk, into the box, he sees great logs falling into -place. In a few moments his mother reappears. - -"You have been working hard, Michael, haven't you? I think you will -have the wood in its place in plenty of time. How much better the room -looks without those logs of wood lying all about! You can carry a good -many logs at once, can't you?" - -Repeated every day, this process will inevitably develop into a habit -of orderliness. The regularity of the process is not in the least -impaired by the fact that one evening it assumes the form of stacking -up firewood, another evening of bringing in bags of coal to the cellar, -another evening of loading merchandise on to a vessel. It is the same -will that directs Michael, and the coal man, and the stevedore, and it -is the same brain that receives the repeated impression of promptness -and good order. In each case, whether it is Michael, or the coal man, -or the stevedore, the workman is doing his task under orders; he is -subject to authority. And if Michael, or the coal man, or the stevedore -fails to do his duty, it is not inappropriate that he should suffer -a penalty. Of course it will be more effective if the penalty can be -made suitable to the character. Whether it is made suitable or not -will depend largely upon the imagination of the person in authority. -As a rule, however, the spirit of such a process as that which I have -illustrated is less that of discipline than of instruction, or perhaps -more accurately, the spirit of discipline through instruction. It -is, in fact, just because instruction plays so large a part in the -government of children that those in authority need to have constant -recourse to their imagination. - -Deficiency in imagination is exhibited by parents not merely in their -relation to their children, but quite as frequently in the relation -between husband and wife. Criticism of the one by the other in the -presence of the children can be accounted for, as a rule, only by a -defective imagination. If the critic could be put for a moment in -the place of the child who has heard the reproof, he would be amazed -at discovering how he had weakened not only the mother's authority, -but also his own. In a certain household, let us say, the mother is -strongly of the opinion that it is injurious for the children to eat -anything between meals; the father, however, scouts the idea, and -actually keeps, in his pocket, sweetmeats for which he invites the -children to search. If he had imagination enough to look into his -own children's minds, he would be mortified at what he would see. -Parents at cross-purposes are simply exhibiting their own stupidity. -Without imagination, therefore, there can be only the most ineffective -government in the family. - -It is surprising, on the other hand, how the exercise of the -imagination will clear away many perplexing difficulties in discipline; -for in the light of the imagination many of these difficulties are seen -to be problems in moral instruction. Let me illustrate. - -The boys whom I have already described as militiamen were left by their -parents, for a day, in charge of a competent nurse. When they were -called upon to report in the customary military fashion concerning -their behavior, they all confessed to certain offenses involving the -marring of property. - -"Would you have done that if mamma or I had been there?" their father -asked. - -"No," was the reply. - -"Then you sneaked on us." - -That word "sneaked" was apparently new to them; it upset their gravity. -The entire company, including the commander, was soon convulsed. What -could be done? The case could not be allowed to end thus. Finally, -after some degree of order was restored, the commander proposed that -they all take turns in sneaking on one another. The plan which was -accepted with enthusiasm was this: Two of the boys were to leave the -room; then the third, in their absence, was to find some precious -possession of each of the two and destroy it. No sooner, however, -were the victims in another room than they raised a vigorous protest. -As this was to be not a punishment but an experiment, the protest -was heeded. The tables were turned; one of the victims was appointed -executioner, and the executioner took the place of victim. After -several trials it was proved that nobody wished to have his property -destroyed. They thus learned that, however much fun it was to sneak -on some one else, they did not wish any one else to sneak on them. -Although they agreed, too, that if each had a turn there would be -nothing unfair, they were all unwilling to lose precious possessions -even for the fun of playing an underhand trick. By this time one of the -boys had decided that all sneaking "was bad." It was then proposed to -the other two that their father go out, and that they should sneak on -him. This seemed to be a solution. They would have the fun and suffer -none of the loss. When they had committed themselves to this opinion, -their father called their attention to the fact that he had already -had his turn at being victim, and that now it was only fair that he -should have his turn at being executioner. There was no escape. At the -very moment when they were looking for all the gain and none of the -loss, they were confronted with the prospect of suffering, perfectly -justly, all of the loss and having none of the gain. By that time the -word "sneak" conveyed an idea that was quite the opposite of humorous, -and they were in position to appreciate their father's repudiation of -any intention to act as a sneak. It was necessary for them to travel -a long and roundabout way before they reached the point at which they -could genuinely disapprove what they themselves had done. In the frame -of mind in which at first they had been, punishment would have been -meaningless; it would have signified nothing more than that an older -person was vexed at something, and that they had to bear the ill -effects of the vexation. What they needed primarily was not discipline -but instruction. Incidentally, it may be added, they had a good deal -of discipline in the process. - -We are likely to forget that moral distinctions are not instinctive, -but are the product of experience. The capacity to distinguish between -the good and the evil is, we may all agree, inherent; but ability in -deciding what acts belong in the category of the good and what in -the category of the evil is acquired. There is no magic voice within -a little child informing him what a lie is and warning him that it -is evil. It is not enough, moreover, to tell a child over and over -again that lying is wrong; it is equally necessary to instruct him -so that he will recognize a lie when he encounters it. The knack of -recognizing the difference between truth and falsehood is like the -knack of recognizing the difference between edible and poisonous -mushrooms. It comes only after careful instruction and long practice, -and it is not as easy as it seems. Is "Alice in Wonderland" falsehood? -Are the statements in Stevenson's "Child's Garden of Verses" true? I -believe I could set an examination in the subject, asking for reasons -for the answers, which a good many parents could not satisfactorily -pass. A child who habitually lies may be consciously doing wrong; but -it is also possible that he has been simply ill-taught, or is not old -enough to be taught at all in this subject. In order to reach a child's -mind for the purpose of enabling him to see the difference between a -lie and the truth, we must have imagination enough to put ourselves -in the child's place sufficiently to find out what his conception of -the truth is. It is easy to assume that a child is lying when he is -merely experimenting with language, or is desiring to please, or is -playing with his fancies. If we want children to understand us, we -must exercise enough imagination to understand them. After we have -established some basis of mutual understanding, we can feel free to -proceed with rigorous discipline. - -I hope I shall not be misunderstood. It is not necessary that a child -should understand the reason for a command before he obeys. Obedience -first and reasons afterwards is a good rule, and one that may even -prevent disasters. It is necessary, however, that a child should -understand what it is he is commanded to do or not to do. It requires -some imagination to ascertain whether the child understands this or not. - -Instruction in manners, like instruction in morals, requires the use of -the imagination. The adult who is receiving his first lesson in golf -ought to be able to understand why a child has difficulty in properly -holding his spoon; the difference between a niblick and a stymie is not -nearly so hard to learn as the difference between "Please" and "Thank -you." Manners are more arbitrary than the technical terms of a game -or a calling. Why it should be wrong but not naughty to eat with your -knife or to sing at the table, children do not readily see. - -As with regard to morals and manners, so with regard to all that a -child has to learn, instruction is best coupled with imagination. A -generation ago my grandfather wrote a book. Its tide seems to attach it -to a long bygone age. It is called "Gentle Measures in the Management -and Training of the Young."[2] I know of no book which in spirit or in -principles is more modern. I do not think its substance will ever be -antiquated. It was through no fault or merit of mine that the author of -this book was my grandfather; so I can see no reason why I should not -be as free as any one else might be in expressing the wish that every -parent who has some interest in the training of children might not only -possess a copy, but also read it studiously. His words, with their -touch of quaintness, concerning the use of imagination in the teaching -of children were but the transcript of the principles which he had -established by use and found practicable. - -Are the children restive or boisterous? Do they talk incessantly -and nonsensically? A little imagination will suggest what should be -done with them. They are steam engines under full head of steam. If -you do not wish to starve them into lassitude, set their activity to -work in some direction that will not be troublesome. Has one of the -children pinched his hand in the door or bumped his head? Summon up -your imagination. He is a man who has met with an accident; call the -ambulance, which comes in the form of a two-legged creature, to carry -him to the hospital, which to grown-up eyes looks amazingly like the -couch in the sewing-room; give him some medicine out of a bottle, -which has the appearance of a shoe-horn. Is there an altercation in -the nursery? Let there be a court established, and the issue heard and -decided in due form. No retinue of servants can work such wonders as a -moderately alert imagination. - -If we parents have allowed our own imaginations to become atrophied -through disuse, so that we are incapacitated from sharing in the -most vivid part of our children's world, there is at least one thing -we can do; we can restrain our natural impulse to interfere with -our children's imagination. For a generous portion of every day we -can leave our children alone. We are, of course, useful to them in -emergencies, but ordinarily we prosy folk are in their way. What a -nuisance we are when we impose upon an imaginative child that horror -known as a mechanical toy! The nodding mandarin is so insistently a -mandarin that no child with a healthy imagination can respect it. -Off with its head! it then can conceivably be the pillar of a house, -or a chimney for a steamboat. Large flat wooden dolls that come in a -game-set have been known to serve admirably as roofs for block houses. -Shall we allow the children to abuse their toys in this wise? exclaims -the prosaic adult. The children might well reply, Must we be forced -to lose our real world and to live in a commonplace, unreal world like -yours? Elaborate dolls, complicated mechanisms, elegant playthings, -may gratify the vanity of an adult, and even whet the curiosity of -the growing boy and girl, but will not take the place of real toys -like blocks of wood and spools and marbles. If we must nag him at -other times, at least in his play let us leave the child alone with -his imagination and the materials which his imagination can best use. -If we are nonplussed by the enjoyment which a child finds in such -simple things, it is because we have not the imagination to perceive -that these very same simple things are the most capable of varied -transformation. - -Like those complicated toys which are made merely because the adults, -who have the money, buy them, some kindergartens are engines of -destruction. The play instinct, which psychologists kindly explain is -simply the instinct for self-directed activity, is in mortal peril from -people who are always for supervising children's games. Controlling -the play of children is really attempting the impossible. As soon as -it is controlled from the outside, play ceases to be play. If some one -else directs the child, he ceases to be self-directed. Play is not -mere recreation; it is sometimes very serious business. What makes -it play is that it is not done under orders. And real play requires -imagination. We parents can spoil our children by confining them to -the artificial things we enjoy in lieu of our own minds. If we wish -to amuse ourselves, we can do so for a time by spoiling our children. -But if we wish them to enjoy life, as well as to grow strong in body -and mind and character, we will not tempt them by the spices, the -mechanisms, the artifices of our world, but will leave them as much -as possible to wander and play and work unmolested in the world of -simple things. Simple food, simple occupations, simple toys, simple -surroundings--at least such we call them; in fact, there are no riches -like them to the child--or the adult for that matter--who has not -been robbed of his imagination. If we have lost ours, and must go -about our task of instruction and discipline in the unreal way of the -dry-as-dust, we can at least leave the child his. That is possible for -the dullest of us. - -FOOTNOTE: - -[2] By Jacob Abbott. (Harper and Brothers.) - - - - -IV - -PEACE AT A PRICE - - -Advice to wives usually begins with this sort of exhortation: When your -husband returns from the office, greet him smilingly; exile from your -face the traitorous lines of care, imprison in the silences of your -mind the petty vexing trials of the day, dismiss to their own quarters -the evidences of housework. Your husband's home is his castle; when -he takes refuge there in flight from his enemies, the cares of his -vocation, do not confront him with your own. We are all familiar with -this strain. It sounds well. But, after all, the lord's castle is his -lady's battlefield. If she is a very fine lady indeed, she may not have -engaged in any personal encounters. If her resources and disposition -permit, she may hire mercenaries to do her fighting for her. In that -case her battles have been sham battles, and she has no relic of -carnage to hide. If, however, she is not one of those who regard one -child as a nuisance and two as an intolerable burden, and therefore -prefers to conduct the campaign of their training herself, she can -hardly be sure of turning nightly the battlefield of that home into the -semblance of an impregnable castle. The fact is, any woman who regards -motherhood as a vocation quite as worthy of respect as yelling on the -Stock Exchange (and that I believe is a very, very respectable vocation -indeed) will find it a serious drain on her physical and nervous -resources. - -However much a woman may court martyrdom, I never heard of one who -deliberately invited vexation of spirit. She may find a genuine -happiness in the weariness she has incurred for the sake of some great -object; but she finds no happiness in the annoyances she encounters -purposelessly. Now, it is just these vexations, these annoyances, -which it is a part of her vocation to avoid. So far from being an -incident of motherhood, they are an impediment. - -Most of these annoyances, these vexations, with which a mother has -to contend, come from a maladjustment between her children and their -environment. Quarrels among themselves, irritability and disobedience -toward her, impositions upon the servants, pertness with their elders, -insubordination toward their teachers, altercations with their -playmates, and friction with the neighbors--it is affairs of these -sorts that fray a woman's nerves and wrack her mind. No woman can -long endure these things. There are not many courses open to her. She -can die, or she can rid herself of her children by consigning them to -servants who are paid for accepting her responsibility. In either case -she no longer concerns us. Let us suppose, however, that she remains a -mother. Then the only course that she can pursue is to attempt some -mode of adjustment. - -There are two ways in which she can act. She can undertake either -to adjust her children to their environment, or to adjust their -environment to them. Almost every mother adopts either one way or the -other within the first two months of her first baby's life. The young -lord of creation puts the problem squarely before her: Am I to begin my -reign now--and I warn you it will be a case of whimsical autocracy--or -must I take my place in the order of this household? If his mother -is a washerwoman, he gets no answer; she goes about her washing and -he finds his place without much remonstrance. The children of the -poor are blessed with mothers who have this problem settled for them -by the gaunt hand of necessity. If, however, this lordling has been -born in the purple, even of very light shade, he has a good chance of -seizing the sceptre at the very first grasp. He certainly will seize -it and wield it relentlessly, if his mother decides to do the easiest -thing. At the beginning and for some time it is easier to conform the -household to the baby than the baby to the household. It is easier -because strictly at the beginning it is necessary. Even the household -of the washerwoman is swerved for a few days out of its regular course; -but when the wash comes in again, the household is swerved back. The -trouble comes in those families where the mother's will has to take the -place of somebody else's wash. Of course there are cases which cannot -be considered normal. The newcomer is puny and needs the constant -attention that every invalid requires; or the mother's strength has -been sapped, and she must, for everybody's sake, do the easiest thing. -In such cases there is no choice. Ordinarily, however, the issue is not -long postponed. The trained nurse, if there is one, can have a good -deal to do in deciding it. Probably it will be most distinctly raised -over a question of feeding. The foundation of absolute monarchy within -many a plain American home has been laid by allowing the diminutive -heir apparent to engage in midnight feasting when every consideration -of orderliness commanded sleep. It is on such an occasion that a man, -if he has any chivalry in him, will sustain his wife's good resolution. -If he chooses to be anything more to his household than a purveyor, he -will not have to wait long to make good his determination. - -The difference between a household adjusted to a child and a child -adjusted to a household is the difference between unstable and stable -equilibrium. Quietness, peace, and an aspect of repose may be found in -both cases; but in the one case every new movement threatens an upset. - -There are two kinds of households, the adjustable and the unadjustable. -A child, let us say, wakes in the morning. If he is accustomed to an -adjustable household, there is an end of sleep for those who have the -care of him. For the sake of peace to the others some one has to keep -him quietly amused until the time of rising. That some one, we all -can guess, is the mother. At breakfast it is the child that is first -served, and when he is finished with eating it is his new demands that -interrupt the meal. The mother does her household tasks under the -child's supervision. In order to avoid the necessity of leaving them -to rush upon every demand to the nursery, she manages to have him in -the room with her. Tethering him to the leg of a table, barricading -him behind chairs, occupying his mind now with one bauble, now with -another, she succeeds, with the exercise of an acquired versatility, -in securing for him safety from harm, for the furniture measurable -immunity from damage, and for herself a comparatively noiseless -morning. When the time for his nap arrives, she, as the available -member of the household, leaves everything else and puts him to -sleep. After he wakes and is dressed, a caller arrives. For an instant -forgetful, she starts to leave the young ruler. A wail recalls her. -A gurgle of satisfaction rewards her for taking him in her arms. The -visitor is now a part of the household and must be properly adjusted. -At the sight of the caller the baby makes violent protest. Then comes -the period of coaxing, unsatisfactory to the child, troublesome to the -mother, and disconcerting to the guest. Irreconcilable, the youngster -is handed over to some one for the nonce, and the visitor concludes the -call and departs to the accompaniment of mourning. The despot is easily -restored to good humor as soon as he sees again his favorite subject. -The one annoying episode of the day is easily set down against the -account, not of the child, not of his mother, but of the caller. "That -black gown she wore" many a time does duty as an explanation for what -is really the product of an adjustable household. Aside from the more -immediate and obvious disadvantages of the adjustable household, there -is this: that it hardly fits the child for living in an unadjustable -world. - -The child who greets the morning in an unadjustable household finds -at hand enough to amuse him until it is time for his bath. His mother -has not led him to expect anything else. I remember a little fellow -whom I used to see a few years ago. Of delicate organism, decidedly -high-strung, very sensitive to sound and motion, he needed as much -attention as any well baby ever did. Regularly every morning, after -giving him his breakfast and getting him ready for the day, his mother -took him to the nursery, left him on the padded floor, gave him his few -blocks, and left him to his devices. She was free to go downstairs then -about her work. She was not beyond earshot. When the sun was high, she -wrapped him up well, put him in his carriage, and, wheeling him out -on the porch, left him again alone. In the afternoon the process was -reversed: first the sunny porch, then the quiet nursery. Times for play -with him came to an end according to her judgment, not his. Because she -loved him and understood her vocation as mother, she established in -this nervous child the habit of encountering the world with placidity. -This is the way of the mother who determines that her household shall -be unadjustable. - -There are those who regard childhood as a period when the individual -becomes, to use Stevenson's phrase, "well armored for this world." It -is this conception of childhood as a preparation for after-life that -underlies Huxley's essay on liberal education. There are others who -would say, with a recent writer, that childhood is not to be regarded -as a preparation for youth that in turn becomes a preparation for -manhood, but rather is to be made "beautiful and glorious in and for -itself, not a vestibule to a vestibule to a vestibule." Whichever of -these two views we take, we shall find, I think, that the only way of -escape from disorder and confusion is not by adjusting the child's -environment to him, but by adjusting him to his environment. - -The one unescapable part of our children's environment is--ourselves. -Over them we are always impending. At inconvenient times we rise -in their way and impede their most absorbing occupations. On their -excursions into the wilds of fancy it is we who obtrude and with -philistine complacency drive them back into the gross world of -wash-basins and table manners. Three small boys are busy blasting. One -is a workman; a second is the fuse; the third is the hole, and is about -to explode for the sixth time. Who interrupts with some trivial but -insistent remark about less noise or clean clothes? One of us. And the -worst of it is that we who are so troublesomely recurrent, and who -are their source of supplies, seem to be incapable of appreciating the -delights of becoming at will a trolley-car, an alligator, a goblin, -or a hole in the ground. That is the sort of environment we are; and -if we are going to adjust our children to it, we ought to understand -how knurly it is. When we understand that, we shall perhaps see the -importance of giving our children a chance to explode without being -flung repeatedly against our prosy protuberances. Sometimes we can -manage that by simply giving them room for their own Arcady. (And it is -not our business to insist that their Arcady be our sort.) Sometimes -it will be necessary to manage this otherwise. We may, for instance, -live in a flat. In that case we may actually have to exercise some -imagination and suggest to them an occupation which will keep them from -a too rasping contact with us. The first requisite, then, for peace is -a reasonable degree of non-interference. - -Interference, however, we cannot always avoid. Then the question -becomes one of interfering without friction. Any one can give commands -to a child, or instruct him after a fashion, or punish him; but to -exercise authority over a child and at the same time keep on good terms -with him, that is an art in which we are not all equally adept. But it -is an art we must master if we are to be free of unnecessary annoyance -and a great deal of fruitless pother. We cannot be on good terms with -a healthy child except on the basis of justice. That is one reason why -an altercation with a child is a sign of failure in discipline: it is -not sportsmanlike. It lacks the prime element of justice, an equal -chance for each opponent. When we take a child for an antagonist, we -do not enter a square fight; we have him at an unfair advantage. He -knows it as well as we, and that is why, even if we win--as win we -ought with size and strength and wit on our side--our victory is an -inglorious failure. When he succumbs in the struggle, he has learned -only one thing--that he must enlarge his resources. A small boy leaves -his sled in the front hall. He is ordered to remove it and he refuses. -Then comes the tussle. Rather than go to bed, he finally complies. The -next time he awaits the approach of a visitor. This time he leaves his -sled in the front hall and flees. He has learned his lesson--to pick -the place and moment for battle when the enemy is at a disadvantage. -The visitor, serenely unconscious of the fact, has diverted the enemy. -The sled is whisked out of sight. No penalty now inflicted on the boy -can be to him other than the manifestation of resentment and chagrin on -the part of an outwitted adversary. In such a case what does justice -suggest? There is the voice of one in authority. - -"Your sled is in the front hall; put it away." - -"But I don't want to. I'm playing." - -The affair seems to be at an end. There is no insistence; there are no -threats. - -A day later. "Mamma! Mamma! Where's my sled?" - -"Did you look in its place?" - -"Yes, and it isn't there." - -"Where did you leave it?" - -"I don't know." - -"Think." - -(With shamed face) "I guess in the front hall." - -"You had better look in the front hall, then." - -"It isn't there." - -"Did you expect to find it there?" - -"No-o." - -There is no ground for altercation here. Perhaps there may be need -for explanation. The loss of a day's coasting in this case may be -actually a severer punishment than the threatened hours in bed in the -other case, but it comes in the course of justice, and the boy knows -it. Nobody has won a victory, because there has been no struggle; but -somebody has learned a lesson. And through it all the boy remains on -good terms with his environment. - -Of course it would never do for a child to live in too just a world; -his awakening upon entrance into the world that we grown folks have -made for ourselves would be cruelly rude. He must have ample chance to -learn how to meet injustice. Happily, such chance will frequently come -his way without any solicitude on our part. One can discern something -almost purposeful in the fact that the sense of justice is no part -of the parental instinct. Indeed, it seems as if it had been made -especially difficult for grown people to deal justly with children. For -one thing, in order to be just with a child one must be prepared to -believe anything, no matter how preposterous. Once on a time a little -girl was going downstairs. In her arms she held a precious doll. She -knew that it was a prized family possession. To her consternation she -suddenly felt it leave her hold, and in an instant she saw it lying -broken upon the stairs. When she was questioned by her mother, she -announced simply that the doll had jumped from her arms. In spite of -all that her mother said to her on the evil of willful untruth, she -persisted in her story. Whether she was punished I do not know; but if -she was, it was not because of an accident, but because of a falsehood. -In any case, she suffered the indignity of being disbelieved. For a -long time the feeling of injustice rankled in her. It was not until -she had grown old enough to learn that a doll cannot leap that she -relinquished her faith in the statement which had been treated by her -mother as a lie. A dash of credulity would have established a good -understanding with that child; but that was too much to expect. It is -not easy to be credulous at the right times. That is one reason why we -need never take pains lest we be too just with our children. - -With the best of intentions, the most competent of us will now and then -lapse into deeds of injustice. If we discovered them all, we should -lead uneasy lives. A kind Providence, however, keeps us oblivious of -most of them; and our children are slow in learning to preserve a -grudge. When one of us, however, discovers that he has been unjust -toward his child, what does he do? That depends on his standards. If -his ambition is to be omniscient and infallible, he keeps the discovery -to himself, and, if he corrects the injustice, manages by some -subterfuge to make the correction, not an act of justice, but an act -of grace. His policy might be epitomized in Jowett's motto for public -men: with children his practice is, "Never retract, never explain; get -it done, and let them howl." For one who does not care to pay the price -of courage and self-respect, this rule can be made to work very well. -One whose ambition, however, is to be authoritative with children will -value sincerity with them as a principle and not as an expedient. -Karl has apparently been guilty of willful disobedience; he has done -something he was told not to do. The punishment which regularly -follows rebellion is announced. It then transpires that what seemed -disobedience was really misunderstanding. What can be done? Since the -maternal court does not crave infallibility, the error in sentence -is acknowledged. So far from impairing confidence in the court, this -proceeding actually tends to buttress it. The next time an adverse -judgment is declared and sentence is inflicted, the culprit, even if -he believes himself guiltless, will, if he thinks about it at all, -suspect that the judge is attempting, not to preserve her dignity, but -honestly to administer justice. A child can pay his parents no greater -honor than by protesting, in the belief that he will be heard, that a -threatened punishment would be unfair. - -Even that mother who finds other occupations more dignified and -gratifying than that of motherhood cannot wholly escape the necessity -of deciding whether the ground of her dealings with her children shall -be justice or something else. In delegating responsibility to servants, -she must decide whether she will delegate authority also. The woman -who puts her children in the charge of a hired maid and then declares, -"I will never require a child of mine to obey a servant," deliberately -chooses to be unjust to her children. That she is also unjust to the -servant is not so grave a matter. The servant can, if she wishes, find -another mistress; but the child is compelled to be content as he can -with that mother. Such a woman is usually quite powerless to secure -obedience toward herself. When her daughters are grown, she wonders why -they do not become her friends; when her sons are grown, she wonders -why they exhibit no desire for her companionship. - -The only footing for comradeship is fair dealing. Even a sense of -humor, essential as that is, will not take its place. Who would be a -comrade with his children must first be just with them. - - - - -V - -FOR 'TIS THEIR NATURE TO - - -Why we expect children to be more tranquil than a parliamentary body -or a ministers' meeting I do not know and cannot imagine. To be -troubled because children quarrel is to deplore one of their chief -prerogatives--the prerogative of being themselves. The time to be -troubled is not when they quarrel merely, but when they quarrel in the -wrong way or about wrong things. To teach children how to quarrel and -what to quarrel about is one of the duties of parents. - -Together with some compensating advantages, an only child has one -indisputable misfortune: there is no one in the family he can really -quarrel with. No altercation he might have with a grown-up could be -dignified with the name of quarrel. All his quarreling he must do -outside his home. Consequently, he cannot receive from his parents -all the attention that he might receive if he were, say, one of six. -When he finally encounters other children, he does not know the -bounds either of expediency in tolerating their idiosyncrasies, or -of right in maintaining his own. With skill his parents may acquire -artificially for themselves, as well as for him, the experiences which -naturally befall a larger household. It is plain, therefore, that those -parents are fortunate who have quarreling children. To them avenues of -education are open which are closed to the parents of an only child. - -I do not refer to those roads which, originating in the nursery, have -led to the depths of theology or to the heights of moral discourse. -The road which has landed more than one theologian in meditation upon -the depraved nature of the child may well have had its beginning in -childish quarrels. There was Jonathan Edwards, for instance; he had -ten sisters and about as many children. This suggests a fit subject -for a thesis. Then that pleasanter if less picturesque way, bordered -with the flowers and the weeds of rhetoric, which has brought the -preacher and the versifier to sermons and rhymes for the edification of -the young, must have received many a traveler from tributary paths of -domestic strife. Isaac Watts, for instance, who being dead yet speaketh -of dogs and bears and lions and children, was the eldest of nine. -The avenues of education to which I refer, however, are open only to -parents or vice-parents, and lead only to parental skill. - -Some parents act as if they did not even know that these avenues exist. -Consequently, when they encounter contention among their offspring, -they fly in all directions at once. This undoubtedly makes for agility. -For example:-- - -Waves of turmoil burst through the closed doors of the playroom, flood -the stairway, and whelm to the ears the placid group of grown-ups -in the living-room. As the visiting cousin nervously halts her small -talk, and the tired mother lays down her knitting, the master of the -house, with an air of finality, gesturing the others into subsidence, -breasts the billows of sound. Upward, two steps in a stride, he makes -an assault upon the playroom. - -"What's all this about?" as he flings open the door. "Bless me! -everybody can hear you all over the house. Your mother and I aren't -undertaking to keep a zoo. Do you suppose that somebody can be running -up here every five minutes? Besides, don't you know that your mother's -cousin Bettina is visiting us, and that she is distracted by this -sort of uproar? Now don't try to interrupt. What did you say? That -Ruth threw a coal-car at you? Why, Ruth, my little girl! that's a -very dangerous thing to do. If you had struck one of the boys in the -eye, you might have made him blind. I shall have to take the cars -away, if you are going to do dangerous things with them. What's that? -They're not Ruth's cars? What of it? Does that make them any the less -dangerous? Now, don't interrupt again. Besides, Ruth, that was a very -unladylike thing for a little girl to do. And, boys, you are at fault, -too. Ruth would never have done that if you hadn't done something to -her. Is that the way young gentlemen should treat a young lady? And -Ruth is younger than you. She can't defend herself unless she does -something like that. I shall have to punish you all; perhaps that will -help you to learn how to behave. Now, you boys, go over to Ruth and ask -her pardon; and, Ruth, you kiss them and tell them you're sorry. And -now play together properly. See if you can't get along till tea-time -without making a disturbance." - -Satisfied that he has settled an acute difficulty, this composite -father, in whose voice has sounded some tones that I dare not disown, -descends the peaceful stairs. What he has actually done has been to -throw into hopeless unsettlement a situation that was after a fashion -already half settled. If the children are quiet, it is because they are -dazed by the feats of an acrobatic adult mind. They have watched their -father make a circuit of the situation, cross at least a half-dozen -paths that led safely out, and, ignoring all, return to the point of -departure. The benefit they have received from the performance is -not at all the benefit he believes he has imparted. It has not been, -as he fancies, the benefit of discipline; it has been the benefit -of diversion. As for himself, he has received that most welcome of -benefits--a mental frame of complacency. - -Not being as nimble as he, we may find it worth our while to stop for -a moment at each path that he passed and explore it. What we are prone -to forget is that from almost every difficulty of this kind there are -several exits, and that there is no progress made in attempting to -travel more than one at a time. In this case, all need for the display -of gymnastics might have been avoided by the consideration of a few -simple questions. - -One question has precedence of all others: Shall I interfere or not? -To decide that question in the negative is to eliminate all the -others. That it is necessary to do this, the conjunction of a quarrel -and a luncheon party may demonstrate. The critical time comes when -there is no luncheon party. To allow children some chance to settle -their own differences is as certainly an act of discipline as it is -to settle every difference for them. It is none the less discipline -for the children because it seems to be chiefly self-discipline. A -younger sister once had a grievance; she made her protest with a -strident whine. Annoyed by the outburst, her mother descended upon the -whole crew, wormed out the merits of the case, and with an even hand -apportioned among the offenders penalty or reproof. Having profited, -as it happened, by this occurrence, the small girl, the next time she -wished to gain an advantage over the others, resorted to the same -whining outcry. Immediately the three older children fell to playing -church. With a loud and discordant hymn, they designed to drown the -sound of protest. Though at this time in the right, they preferred not -to take the risk. Already well trained by her children, that mother -was quick to remain where she was. It sometimes requires alertness to -do nothing. Just though her interference had been, she saw that it not -only had encouraged in one child an annoying mode of complaint, but -also had suggested to the others a noisy mode of averting judgment. -Thereafter it seemed easier for her to hesitate before participating -in her children's controversies. How can children experiment with the -principles with which their elders have tried to endow them, except -upon those occasions when those didactic elders do not interfere? -How, on the other hand, can those same elders see what effect their -precepts have had, unless the children can begin a quarrel on the -chance that they may end it themselves? Deliberately to determine not -to interfere in a children's quarrel comes not of grace but of labor. -Any one can lapse into indifference as to the merits of a dispute -between two youngsters, but only one who has come through affliction -to self-control can at the same time maintain an acute interest in -the triumph of the just cause and keep his hands off. The virtue of -non-interference is not a gift, it is an achievement. - -Occasions which demand interference, however, occur frequently enough -to supply with plenty of exercise any normally active parental mind. -Whenever it is clearly best that the children should not be allowed to -end their quarrel themselves, the parent who is not in search merely -of self-complacency can ask himself a number of questions. Usually, -the time for asking and answering those questions is very brief. The -exercise is vigorous while it lasts. On the way from the living-room -to the nursery, the hastening parent can, for example, perform this -rapid mental scale passage: To what purpose am I interfering? Is it -to suppress a noise? or to avert a danger? or to teach courtesy? or -to instruct in morals? or to do justice? or to establish an amicable -basis? Later, and perhaps more deliberately, he will run over this -scale of questions: What means shall I use? Shall it be force? or -argument? or ridicule? or explanation? or advice? or instruction? or -command? or punishment? It requires practice to pounce upon the note -principally out of tune in a wealth of discord, and then to choose the -one tool that will set it right; but then, there is no vocation more -exciting than parenthood. - -The noise of a quarrel may be its most serious offense. We can admit -that fact without accepting as an invariable rule the maxim of our -nervous, overwrought ancestors, Children should be seen and not heard. -At times it seems, indeed, as if the present age were too phlegmatic. -There are people for whose nerves children should be made to have -some regard; there are invalids who do not thrive on din; there is -necessary work which cannot be done in the midst of a racket; there -are neighbors who declare, with some show of right, that they regard -monopoly in noise as against public policy. So, whether for the sake of -cousin Bettina's nerves, or a tired mother's rest, or a busy father's -conference with a creditor, or merely for the sake of reputation with -the neighbors, it may be best to disregard all other factors and insist -on quiet. That seems clear enough. The trouble with us pretentious -grown-ups is that usually when we undertake to stop a quarrel because -it is disturbing, we delude ourselves into thinking that we have some -high moral purpose. We can expose our own fatuity by simply inquiring -of ourselves, when we begin our preachment, Would we have interfered if -this quarrel had not been so strepitous? It is one of the annoyances -in the training of children that if we are to be honest with them, we -must be honest with ourselves. I do not see how that can be helped. And -with children honesty is prerequisite to authority. To pretend that -we chiefly want them to be good at a time when really we chiefly want -them to be quiet is to renounce all influence over them when really -we arrive at the point of chiefly wanting them to be good. That is -reason enough for being honest with them. So when we set out towards -a quarrel with the determination of suppressing a noise, we shall, if -we are honest, deal with the quarrel, not as turpitude, but as noise. -We may not be able to persuade the contestants of the existence of -nerves, or headaches, or creditors, or neighbors, or even of our own -reasonableness; but we shall at least probably succeed in conveying to -them the genuineness of this single idea that is uppermost in our own -mind: if you can't quarrel quietly, you shall not quarrel at all. If -later we wish to impress upon them the necessity of being considerate -of others, we can use that specific quarrel as an illustration without -risking with them our reputation for singleness. - -A quarrel may involve something which, even more than noise, demands -instant interference. Two small boys were in an altercation. The older -had a ball. The younger wanted that ball with a consuming hunger. The -nearest weapon at hand was the discarded shaft of a golf club. Seizing -it, he began his attack with reckless fury. The sound of a blow upon a -piece of furniture followed by an outcry of fear brought their father -to the room. His thought was not for anybody's manners or morals, -nor for the disturbance, nor for a just settlement of the contest; -it was for the defenseless boy's head. There was but one possible -measure: immediate and forcible confiscation of the club. This was -frankly not punishment--which would have involved a moral judgment--but -simply humane intervention. The announcement that the club was to -remain confiscated for a week merely emphasized the extent of the -intervention, not the severity of a punishment. The incident might have -served as an occasion for a lecture upon the danger of the wanton use -of weapons; as a matter of fact, I believe, it was, of a sort; but-- - -"Oh, daddy, it was my ball!" - -"No, daddy, really it wasn't!" - -All such discussion as to the merits of the dispute was quashed. -Likewise was stifled all inclination on the part of the intervening -parent to deliver a lesson on the evils of an ungovernable temper. That -might not have been confusing, if it could have been made distinct from -the act of intervention; but it was not necessary. The fault was not -an excess of temper so much as a thoughtless or ignorant use of power. -At least, that was the judgment on which this father acted. Whether he -was right or wrong is not to the point; what is to the point is that he -formed his judgment, acted upon it, and did not obscure the issue by -confusing the consequences--or possible consequences--of a deed with -its moral character. - -Just as the physical consequence of a quarrel may be more important -than its moral aspects, so may be its significance as an exhibition of -manners. When their elders hopelessly intermingle precepts as to the -amenities with deliverances upon ethics, children can hardly be blamed -if they come to regard murder as in the same category with the wearing -of tan boots to the accompaniment of a frock coat. An altercation -marked by vulgarity, or even by nothing more than delinquencies in -courtesy, may be more distasteful to grown-ups than one involving -meanness or deceit. In such a case we may give interference the form -of an expression of disgust, and keep the issue clear. If, however, -we allow it to take the form of punishment, we might as well admit -to ourselves that we are engaged not in disciplining children but in -relieving our own feelings, and be grateful that we have at hand such -an outlet for our emotions. - -Occasionally there arises a quarrel which supplies a text for a moral -lesson. A quarrel of this sort arose one day between a small boy of -five or six and his sister a year or two older. The mother of these -two had issued a command to the younger that he take off his wet -shoes. In a few minutes she heard the sound of struggle. It called for -investigation. There on the nursery floor was the lad, tearful and -angry; near at hand his sister, reproachful and indignant. It appeared -that his neglect of the order had aroused her to action. He resented -her assumption of authority; she resented his resentment. The case was -not as simple as it appeared to be. Punishment of the small boy without -explanation would have seemed to him like punishment for disobedience -toward a sister who was without authority. On the other hand, a rebuke -of the sister for unwarranted assumption of authority would have seemed -to her like a rebuke for loyalty to her mother. It was a case, not -primarily for punishment or even for rebuke, but for moral instruction, -or, if you prefer, explanation. - -As an occasion for the doing of justice, a quarrel among children often -presents great perplexities. It is hard for a mother to be a just judge -between her children. This is partly because she is so practiced in -partiality for her children that she revolts at the apparent hardness -of impersonal fairness; partly because she frequently cannot ascertain -the facts. A mother who loves justice while she loves her children -will not be quick to ascend the bench. Sometimes, however, she must. -There was once called, for instance, the case of Ronald _vs._ Dan. -After a statement of the case made in turn by the two litigants, -and confirmed or corrected by the visiting playmate Davy, the facts -seemed to be as follows: The boys were cutting advertising pictures -out of newspapers. Each of the boys had his own pile of newspapers -which was his property. Dan had on one of his papers a picture which -he did not care for, but which Ronald cared for very much. No sooner -had Ronald expressed his desire for this picture than Dan crumpled the -paper up in his hand and threw it into the waste-basket. Hence the -complaint. The act was undeniably one of meanness; it was done with -the intent to exasperate; but it transgressed no rights. The paper -was Dan's property, to be disposed of as he pleased. Ronald had not -the slightest claim upon it. This was clearly understood. While the -trial was in progress, Davy, the witness, fished the paper out of the -waste-basket, where it had become the personal property of nobody, -cut out the picture, smoothed its wrinkles, and presented it to the -grateful Ronald. Justice to Dan had compelled the recognition of his -right to do with his own as he pleased. Judgment rendered for the -defendant. Could any mother be satisfied with that outcome? So far as -determining whether punishment was to be measured out, that ended the -case. Strictly observing as between herself and her children their -property rights, that judge could not refuse to enforce those rights as -among themselves. This case, however, raised another question than that -of justice. - -This was the question of future amity. The generous action of Davy, the -witness, made it possible to use the incident for furthering not only -just but also happy relations among the children. It made the defendant -somewhat ashamed of himself, although of course it did not in the -least obscure to his mind the consciousness that the judge had dealt -with him justly. It moreover restored the sun to the complainant's -cloudy face. Thus at the same time it impressed on the mind of the -guilty a sense of his own meanness and effaced the memory of that -meanness from the mind of the aggrieved. It is not always that a judge -has a Davy at hand. It will not, however, necessarily confuse matters -if she act the part of Davy herself. It is sometimes possible thus to -give a practical demonstration of the fact that the spoils of justice -are not always satisfying. - -As in walking, so in living with our fellows, some friction is -necessary. To deprive a child of friction with other children is to -keep him in slippery places. Unless we wish to teach him how to elude -his kind, we shall not begrudge him his wholesome contests of skill, of -wit, of strength, of temper. We shall only take care that he does his -fighting fairly and not on too slight a provocation, that he knows how -to yield to the weakness of another, that he does not learn to whine or -snivel, that he does not become a tale-bearer, that he can take defeat -or rebuke without callousness and without a whimper, that he becomes -capable of forgetting his resentments and his personal triumphs over -others, and that of all his victories, he learns to value most those -which he wins over himself. - - - - -VI - -THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM - - -The master of the house had returned from a visit to the country home. - -"Whom do you suppose I saw to-day?" - -The children could not imagine. - -"Old Robert. And what do you think he said?" - -The guesses flew wide. - -"No; you're all wrong. What he said was, 'How are the little men?'" - -Then up rose Deacon, as the old colored man had dubbed him, the -youngest, blandest, tricksiest of the trio; and he laughed in derisive -resentment. - -"I think old Robert is funny. He calls us little men. I don't think -people will like old Robert if he calls 'em names." - -Names! Will children never cease to shock us by their points of view? -Old Robert, like a well-baked pie, had put all the richness of his -highly flavored feeling for the lads into that one phrase. He made it -serve him as a message of loyalty, respect, affection, comradeship. - -Old Robert had probably never heard of James Mill; and if he had, -he would not have cited him as an authority; for old Robert did not -act according to the logic of his phrase. James Mill, however, did -just that; he proceeded on the theory that it is wholesome to treat -children as if they were miniature men and women. He began with his -first-born by fitting to him an intellectual frock coat and tall hat. -Why he waited till the youngster was three years old no one, so far as -I know, has ever explained. Without much further delay he also gave -him a religious outfit. This, though decidedly less conventional than -his intellectual wardrobe, had the same adult cut. It was not the -Benthamite fashion of his religious garb, but its mature lines, that -gave John Stuart Mill his air of fascinating priggishness and suave -conceit. - -Our taste, unlike James Mill's, may be for orthodoxy. We need not on -that account despair of imbuing our children with religious precocity -and self-assurance. Before he was ten years old, John Stuart Mill had -learned that Christianity was immoral, and that there was no personal -God. There is no reason why any child at the same age may not know -all the mysteries of predestinarianism, and be old in the experiences -of sanctification. All we need is the diligence, the courage, the -determination of James Mill. - -In these qualities some of our forbears had the advantage of us. They -knew very definitely what they wished their children to do and to -believe. Among them was an American contemporary of James Mill, the -Rev. Carlton Hurd. There are people still living who gratefully recall -the ministration of this kindly, stalwart New England divine. He so -ran as not uncertainly; so fought he, not as one that beateth the air. -And his certitude did not forsake him in the training of his little -daughter. It may seem almost grotesque to couple the English author and -employee of the East India Company with the Orthodox American parson. -The one held beliefs antipodal to those of the other. James Mill, -moreover, not being able to believe in a God so stern as to create this -evil world, made up what was lacking in the cosmos by cultivating in -himself an iron sternness toward his son; on the other hand, Parson -Hurd, as he is still affectionately called, being fully persuaded of -the existence of a God capable of infinite wrath, seemed to cherish in -himself, as sort of compensation, a most touching solicitude for his -daughter. In only one respect did Parson Hurd resemble James Mill,--in -having and holding to a body of convictions which were, to his mind, -not only indisputable, but also, in substance at least, essential to -the proper adornment of the mind of a child. The letter in which he -tells the story of Marion Lyle Hurd is the narrative of a complete and -orderly religious experience. - -Marion died at the age of four years. When she was eight months old, -her parents read to her from leaflets for Sabbath Schools. They -explained to her, when she was a year and a half old, in answer to -questions from her, the origin and use of the Bible. They noted that -when she had reached the age of two "her mind was seriously exercised -with religious things." At that time she would sometimes kneel down and -would say:-- - -"Mother, I am going to pray. What shall I say to God?" - -"Ask God to make you good and give you a new heart." - -"What is a new heart, Mother?" - -"This was familiarly explained," writes her father, "and at the same -time she was particularly informed of the way of salvation by Jesus -Christ, and the steps God had taken to save sinners. We endeavored to -impress upon her mind that she was a sinner and needed forgiveness; -and God would forgive her sins, and give her a new heart through Jesus -Christ." That from this time "she chiefly devoted her few remaining -days to the acquisition of religious knowledge" her father finds to -be "a consoling reflection." He adds, with conscientious caution, "If -she was truly converted, we cannot tell when the change took place." -Her parents hoped, however, after she had died two years later, that -she had "entered 'the city of our God.'" Though they had no means of -perceiving the approach of the disease of the brain which occasioned -her death, they realized that the sensitiveness and activity of her -mind warned them "to lead Marion with the gentlest hand; to make her -way as quiet and even as possible." In this third year the books -which were read to her included Parley's "Geography" and "Astronomy," -Gallaudet's "Child's Book on the Soul," and "Daily Food for -Christians." In her fourth year her books, which she read to herself, -were, besides the Bible, "Child's Book on Repentance," "Life of Moses," -"Family Hymns," "Union Hymns," "Daily Food," "Lessons for Sabbath -Schools," "Henry Milnor," Watts's "Divine Songs," "Memoir of John -Mooney Mead," "Nathan W. Dickerman," Todd's "Lectures to Children," and -"Pilgrim's Progress." As these titles indicate, she was "particularly -fond of reading the biography of good little children." Of all her -books, however, Bunyan's masterpiece seems to have been the most -instructive. Her knowledge of the allegory was tested by questions. -She knew why Christian went through the river while Ignorance was -ferried over. She knew what was meant by the Slough of Despond and the -losing of the Burden. "When we come to Christ," said she, "we" (not -Christians, or people, or you, but we) "lose our sins." And she sought -from her father a certificate to enter the City. "We cannot doubt," -comments her father, "Marion understood much of what was intended to -be taught in that book, which Phillip says, in his life of John Bunyan, -contains the essence of all theology. Certainly, she was familiar with -every step of the pathway of holiness trod by Christian, from the city -of Destruction through the river of death to the 'Celestial City.'" And -later he adds that she evinced "a familiar acquaintance with all parts -of that allegory and its doctrine." Though he makes clear in his letter -that "it is not the piety of the full grown and mature christian, that -we are to look for in a child," he makes equally clear that in all -essential particulars her piety was complete. It included even a regard -for the significance of eternal reward and penalty. From Doddridge's -"Expositor," both by examining the pictures and reading "the sacred -text" under the direction of her father, she derived many ideas of the -crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, and the general resurrection -at the end of the world. "Marion," continues the narrative, "after -closely inspecting the countenances given in those pictures, both to -the just and unjust, in the resurrection, would say, - -"'Oh! how the wicked look, when they rise from the dead!' adding in a -serious and solemn manner, - - - "'"There is a dreadful hell, - And everlasting pains, - Where sinners must with devils dwell, - In darkness, fire, and chains."'" - - -Indeed, from the earlier months, life after death, "the happiness of -the good, and the misery of the wicked," were topics of "frequent and -delightful conversation with her parents." - -In her last hours she expressed her assurance that she would be saved, -and her last audible words were, "I am not afraid to die." Thus ended -this brief life of four years and twenty-six days. - -An example of such training would be hard to find among parents of the -present day. This is not because there are no parents who have Parson -Hurd's convictions; neither is it because there are none who have his -confidence in the capacity of children. It is because there are lacking -parents who have both the convictions and the confidence. The reason -why many parents fail where James Mill and Parson Hurd succeeded is -that they try to make compromise between two contradictory theories. -Although they wish to give their children a full complement of -doctrines, they either do not possess the full complement themselves, -or do not believe that their children are mature enough to receive it. -The spectacle of adults attempting to instruct a primary class in the -Logos Doctrine by the kindergarten method is thoroughly modern. - -If the way of Parson Hurd and James Mill seems to us either too hard or -unreal, there is another way that may be found. That is the studious -exclusion of religion from the life--even from the knowledge--of our -children. It was this way that J. S. Mill supposed his father set him -traveling. Of course he was mistaken when he said in his autobiography -that he never had religious belief. He was embowered in religious, -though not in Christian, or even in theistic, belief. The way that he -walked was erroneously marked on his map; that was all. This is worth -noting because it indicates how easily even a logician may miss this -obscure way of no religion. Those who would lead their children by this -route must avoid the very shadow of religion as they would that of -the upas. Indeed, against even the air that has passed the shadow of -religion they must quarantine their children. Religion is infectious. -It can be conveyed by the subtlest means. To it children are perilously -liable. Against it there seems to be no trustworthy antitoxin. Children -are surrounded by infected people. A chance word may deposit the germ. -One child out of the brood may thus fall a victim to a particularly -virulent species of religion simply because he never had it in a -mild form. Nevertheless, it is possible to establish a quarantine -that may chance to remain effective for years. By this means children -may be kept from a knowledge of religion just as many are safely, -or dangerously, kept from a knowledge of what most people regard as -advanced physiology. One family, I am told, has taken this way. How -successful it has proved, I cannot say. All I have heard is that one -member of the family is now enlisted in the ministry. This does not -necessarily betoken failure. The theory was simply that each child -was to be kept immune until he was old enough to decide for himself -whether or not he would take the infection. This way is not the way of -indifference. It cannot be followed by any one who is not profoundly -affected by religion, whether hostile or friendly to it. It may require -less routine diligence than the other way, but it requires more anxious -circumspection. - -Different from either of these is that third way blazed by the -developing traits of our children. Those who take it cannot regard -religion as a form of doctrines or practices to be handed over to their -child ready-made; neither can they regard it as a superfluity, which -they are to withdraw from their child until he can choose to avoid it -as a danger or accept it as a luxury. They can regard it only as a mode -of life and therefore a mode of growth. They conceive it to be quite as -perfect when it is genuinely manifested in the immaturities of the boy -or girl as when it is shown in the riper forms of old age. - -Not that they undervalue doctrines. They know that there never was a -religion that did not formulate itself. They look, however, for the -doctrines to follow the religion, not the religion the doctrines. -They are not surprised when they find their children constructing a -philosophy of religion for themselves. Once upon a time a little girl -was heard to address her dolls: "There's us, and Bridget, and Jews. -We're all made of the same material; and we all have the same Father; -I guess the difference is that some are more refined than others." -No grown-up could have given her in the same number of words a more -thoroughly typical example of theology: a union of anthropology, -biology, and metaphysics, with a quasi-ethical conclusion. No -ecumenical creed could have been more valid for the generation that -produced it than could this brief philosophy be for her. - -Those who would take this third way well know, too, that there are some -phases of religion from which it may be well, if possible, to save -children for a time. It is no more necessary to feed them on Dante's -"Inferno" than on Welsh rabbit. This, however, is very different from -enforcing abstinence from all religious food. - -Conceding as much as this, then, to dogma and to caution, those who do -not object to seeing a child grow will--let him grow. They will not be -surprised if he looks out on the world with wonder. Neither will they -be surprised if his wonder is slow in reaching satiety. It is sometimes -very leisurely. - -Davy, aged six, asked one day at table: "Mamma, what's above the -clouds?" - -"Air." - -After a moment of thought: "What's above the air?" - -"Ether." - -Another moment of thought; then, "What's above the ether?" - -"More ether. Ether is everywhere." - -Throughout this colloquy, Davy's brother Donald, two years younger, -seemed no more attentive than usual; which means he was quite -inattentive. A few weeks later, Davy had occasion to tell some one the -story of the Tower of Babel, and added his usual formula, "I think they -were foolish to try to get up to God, for God is everywhere." Donald's -mind seemed busily engaged about some other matter. A few months -passed, and Donald, now turned five, Donald the inattentive, suddenly -thrust at his mother this question:-- - -"Is God ether?" - -"No," said his mother, with a little hesitating inflection; she was -trying to prepare herself for the unknown but inevitable sequence. It -came promptly:-- - -"Is God the universe?" - -Not willing to commit herself to pantheism, she answered again, "No;" -and this time her inflection was more hesitant and inquiring than -before. - -"How can God be everywhere?" - -For all those months that wonder had been nestling in that small mind -until it grew brave enough to become vocal. Ether everywhere; God -everywhere; God is ether. Why not? And if not, how can both be true? - -"Grandfather is in the library; perhaps he can tell you." - -A sound on the stairway like the roll of a drum and Donald was down in -the library. - -"Grandfather, how can God be everywhere?" - -Grandfather touched Donald's hand: "Is Donald here, or," touching his -shoulders, "is he here, or," touching his chest, "is he here, or," -touching his knee, "is he here?" - -Donald did not hesitate; touching each spot in turn, he answered: -"Donald is here, _and_ here, _and_ here, _and_ here." - -"So it is with God," said his grandfather; "he is in New York and -England and China and the sun and the moon and the stars." - -With a smile that broke like the dawn, and that meant both -understanding and gratitude, Donald stood thoughtfully still a moment, -and then skipped off to his blocks. - -Wonder. That seems to be the first phase of religious experience, -and it grows silently unless it is thrust out by some grown-up -body's system, or is atrophied by studious neglect. Miracles? Santa -Claus? Need we trouble ourselves about these when our children are -sun-worshipers, polytheists, pagans? - -Wonder is only one part of religion. The natural response to wonder -is ritual. And children, whether we like it or not, are natively -ritualistic. The little son of a well-known writer went with his mother -for the first time in his life to service in the Church of England. As -they entered, the people were singing; as the music ended, the people -knelt. - -"What are they going to do now, Mamma?" - -"They are going to kneel and say their prayers." - -"What! with all their clothes on?" - -Untrained in ecclesiasticism, that small boy had developed a ritual of -his own. Night-clothes, to his mind, were essential to the proprieties -of religion. What does it matter to the ritualist whether or not he -understands all the words he says? The ritual itself is his reaction to -the spirit of reverence. - -Indeed, ritual is almost a prerequisite to the spirit of reverence. -It is Professor James who has said that a man does not double up his -fists because he is angry, or tremble because he is afraid; he is -afraid because he trembles, and is angry because he doubles up his -fist. So one may say that a man does not kneel because he is reverent; -he is reverent because he kneels. What power ritual has needs no -further demonstration than that afforded by the Society of Friends. -What ritual surpasses in power that of the Quaker meeting-house? What -vestments have given color and form to character more effectually than -the old-fashioned Quaker garb? If we wish our children to have the -spirit of courtesy, we insist that they acquire the habit of speaking -politely. If we wish them to have the spirit of reverence--there is no -knowing what we shall do, for most of us are very human and irrational. - -That is the reason why we shall probably be careless in considering -the question of church attendance. There are some of us, perhaps, -who have the sense to give an intelligent answer to the question, Why -don't you have your children go to church? There is only one rational -answer to that question. It might be put into some such form as this: -"I have no special objection to churches. They are useful. So are -free libraries. People who have no books at home find free libraries -a great benefit; but my family have at home all the books they need. -So people who are not well supplied with religion derive undoubted -benefit from churches; but my family have at home all the religion they -need. The community would be about as well off without any churches -as it is with the churches it has. If no other charity seems more -important, I am willing to contribute to a church as I might to a free -library; but really I see no reason why I should go to church myself, -or expect my children to go." That is a rational answer. I know of no -other answer essentially different that could be called rational. An -equally rational answer can be given to the other question, Why do you -require your children to go to church? It might be put in these words: -"A church of some kind is essential to the welfare of this community. -Without any church, even the value of real estate in this place would -enormously depreciate. That shows how everybody recognizes the church -as a conservator of social morality. In this respect the church stands -alone. The sermons may be nearly as dull as those which I have to -preach to my children; the music may be even less entertaining; but -the congregation represents as no other body of people the moral sense -of the community. Besides that, the church is the only expression of -religion as something not merely individual but also organic. Inasmuch -as the church cannot be a church without a congregation, I am obliged, -if I believe all this, to take my share in maintaining the existence -of that congregation. And since the responsibility for seeing that -my children take their share cannot be put upon them, it rests upon -me. As a consequence, they no more question why they go to church than -they question why they go to meals. They are not being entertained; -they are not primarily even being instructed. For that reason it is -not necessary, though it may be advantageous, for them to understand -the sermon. They are forming a habit. On much the same grounds I am -acquainting them with the Bible. What they store in their memory now -they need not understand till later. There is a time for learning by -heart; there is a time for understanding. I no more propose to postpone -my children's practice in religious observances until they reach the -age of discretion, than I propose to postpone their practice in being -honest or in learning their five-finger exercises." That answer, like -the other, is rational. - -A part of ritual is the observance of days and seasons. To this phase -of religion we may expect children to be sensitive. Paul's mother came -into the nursery one Sunday afternoon. - -"What are you doing?" - -"Studying." - -Paul's mother was surprised. - -"We try to keep Sunday different from other days. After this we shall -understand that you are not to study on Sundays." - -A little more than two weeks later, Paul came home from school. - -"Sammy is a funny boy," he remarked. - -Sammy is a schoolmate. - -"What has he done?" inquired Paul's mother. - -"Why, Sammy gets his lessons on Sunday." - -Two Sundays had sufficed for the establishment of a tradition in -religion so complete that a violation of it seemed grotesque. - -In regard to the observance of Sunday, one household has reversed the -traditional rule. The ritual characteristic of that family originated -in a bachelor uncle's remark. He recalled how alluring were those books -which had been forbidden him, as a boy, on Sunday, and how gray a day -Sunday was because those books were proscribed. He advocated the plan -of selecting certain interesting books, which would be forbidden on -week-days. In other words, he would remove the ban from Sundays, and -put it on the other six days. His plan was adopted. Certain delights, -including several volumes of stories from the Bible, were confined to -Sunday. In consequence, Bible stories are in great favor, and Sunday is -a day of privilege. In that household the ritual of Sunday observance -is a ritual of liberty. - -Besides wonder and ritual, there is a factor in religion on which -children seize. We may call it hero-worship. Others, following the lead -of psychologists, might prefer to name it imitation. As the children -of a certain family gather to look at Bible pictures, they are prone -to ask of any group of people depicted, "Are those people good?" -Reverence for what to them is an ideal may come later than wonder or -ritual, but it is sure to come in time to all children. Those parents -who are ready to take their children as they are and to help the growth -of the spirit as they help the growth of the body incur the peril of -always seeing in this reverence a searching inquisition of their own -lives. The nearest objects of hero-worship that a child has are his -parents. This fact may raise a disturbing inquiry: Shall they puzzle -him by setting forth two ideals of fatherhood, one incorporated in -themselves, the other involved in their representation of the character -of God? Shall they confuse the mind of the child by setting up two -inconsistent standards of human service, their own lives and what they -tell him of the life of Jesus of Nazareth? This dilemma of course is -avoided by such parents as hold either of those comfortable theories, -that religion is a theology and that religion is a luxury. In the -one case such questions are not pertinent; in the other they are -unimportant. If, however, we understand religion to be a mode of life, -we may find such questions as these driving us into an uncomfortable -corner. They seem to compel us to pose as exhorter and pattern, and to -force on us a paralyzing self-consciousness. Perhaps it will not harm -us to be occasionally reminded of the fact that we cannot expect our -children to become altogether different from what we are determined to -be; but to be always composing precepts and assuming the attitude of -examples seems to be but a feeble part to play. Happily, we need not -confine our children to the contemplation of ourselves. There are many -who, if we but let them, may share with us the burden of our children's -imitativeness. And here comes our reward, if we have cultivated -their imagination. We may be a bit stingy ourselves; but if we covet -generosity for our children, we can let Abram make the suggestion. We -may cherish our own resentments; but if we want our children to despise -theirs, we can let them join that group that heard Peter bidden to put -up his sword. Whatever may happen to us in the process will probably -do us no hurt. We may find another illustration of that which we -encountered at the beginning, that the principal part in the training -of our children is the training of ourselves. This may have meant to -us, when we started on our course, that the training of ourselves was -simply the preparation for the training of our children. By this time -we shall have discovered that it is not so much a preparation as an -outcome. This art of being a parent is an art of give and take. If it -is more blessed to give, as the Lord said, it is, as far as parents -are concerned, quite as obligatory to receive. As much, at least, as -this is the implication in one thing that our Lord did. Whether he ever -instructed a child in the faith we do not know; we have not been told. -What has been told is that when he wished to show his disciples--among -them some parents, we may surmise--what religion was, he took a child -and set him in the midst of them. - - - -***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ON THE TRAINING OF PARENTS*** - - -******* This file should be named 60912.txt or 60912.zip ******* - - -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: -http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/6/0/9/1/60912 - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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