diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/60630-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/60630-0.txt | 2438 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 2438 deletions
diff --git a/old/60630-0.txt b/old/60630-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 508ba31..0000000 --- a/old/60630-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2438 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Ark by Noah, by -I. L. (Irwin Leslie) Gordon - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Log of the Ark by Noah - Hieroglypics by Ham - -Author: I. L. (Irwin Leslie) Gordon - -Illustrator: A. J. (Alfred Joseph) Frueh - -Release Date: November 4, 2019 [EBook #60630] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOG OF THE ARK BY NOAH *** - - - - -Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - -Transcriber’s Notes: - - Underscores “_” before and after a word or phrase indicate _italics_ - in the original text. - Small capitals have been converted to SOLID capitals. - Typographical errors have been silently corrected. - - - - -THE LOG OF THE ARK - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: “_A large crowd came down to see us off_.”] - -[Illustration: - - THE LOG OF THE ARK - BY NOAH - HIEROGLYPHICS BY HAM - EXCAVATED BY I. L. GORDON and A. J. FRUEH - E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY. - 681-FIFTH AVENUE NEW YORK] - - COPYRIGHT - BY - E. P. DUTTON & COMPANY - 1915 - -[Illustration] - -_The Knickerbocker Press_ - -_New York_ - -[Illustration] - - - - -WHO’S WHO ON THE ARK - - - CAPTAIN _Myself_ - FIRST OFFICER _Shem_ - SECOND OFFICER _Ham_ - THIRD OFFICER _Japheth_ - PURSER _Myself_ - WIRELESS OPERATOR _Shem_ - CHIEF ENGINEER _Ham_ - CHIEF STEWARD _Japheth_ - VETERINARIAN _Myself_ - CHIEF COOK _Mrs. Noah_ - BOTTLE WASHER _Mrs. Shem_ - STEWARDESS _Mrs. Ham_ - LAUNDRESS _Mrs. Japheth_ - STOKERS _Automatic_ - CARGO _Live Stock_ - -[Illustration] - - - - -THE LOG OF THE ARK - - -WEDNESDAY, B.C. 2349. COURSE—to Ararat. -WEATHER—clear and rain. WIND—starting to blow. -SEA—calm. SHIP’S RUN—1 league. - -REMARKS: - -Weighed anchor: 2240 pounds.—My rheumatism hurt. I just knew it would -rain.—A large crowd came down to see us off. Received delegation of S. -P. C. A. They presented me with a gold-handled umbrella.—Someone sent -the women folks a bunch of American beauties.—Many of my neighbours -say I am crazy.—It began to rain—crowd dispersed.—There is a lot -of hubbub in getting an Ark off.—Half an hour late in starting. Ham -doesn’t understand some of the levers.—Ship’s band played the national -anthems as we sailed away.—Sent sailing lists to all my friends. Gave -them to the pilot to mail.—Dropped pilot at 7.30 P.M. I was -sorry to see him go.—Cargo all well and quiet.—I wonder if I will be -seasick? - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—higher. SEA—still calm. SHIP’S RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -Rained all last night and today. I didn’t sleep well. Mrs. Noah insists -upon having the lower berth. I had to climb up top. If I fall and break -my neck it will be serious.—Spent morning in smoking-room reading -steamer letters. Several magazines offer half a shekel a word for my -story. Some vaudeville manager wants me to go on the stage if I get -away with the trip. The University of Bagdad ask me to will them my -brains.—Mrs. Japheth forgot one of her steamer trunks, and wants us -to go back.—Ham says he thinks he knows which levers will stop the -Ark.—All well on board. - -FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—same as yesterday. SEA—very calm. SHIP’S -RUN—1½. WIRELESS REPORT; Mountain resorts doing good -business. Hotels all crowded. - -REMARKS: - -We ran aground this morning. Mrs. Noah and the girls were badly -frightened. I signalled for a tug which pulled us off. The captain -wanted to know about the salvage. I told him to see the owners or the -insurance company. Doubt if he ever will be paid.—I can’t sleep very -well. The bunk is too narrow. I don’t like steamer bunks any more than -I do a Pullman.—Mrs. Noah complains of the motion of the ship. I -haven’t felt it, but the throbbing of the engines is annoying.—Didn’t -eat much today.—Cargo still quiet. I’m a little worried about the two -caterpillars. What if they are not mates? - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—shifted. SEA—same as yesterday. SHIP’S -RUN—2. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Antioch. - -REMARKS: - -The rooster woke me up this morning.—Oldest inhabitants can’t remember -when it has rained so hard.—There’s not much fun standing on the -bridge for four hours at a time. I thought all the captain of an Ark -had to do was talk to the ladies. There’s some responsibility connected -with a vessel of this size, and such a mixed cargo. It might have a -serious effect on posterity should we be wrecked.—All indications -point to unusually high water. We passed several mountains today. -Mountains do look strange without their valleys.—I’m learning to -read the charts.—Japheth complains that the triceratops prorus, the -iguanodon bernissartensis, and the dinosaurs are not eating. We’re -always having trouble with those what-you-may-call-its.—Mrs. Noah says -the Ark is beginning to smell like a barn. I can’t help that.—Took my -bath. - -[Illustration: “_Can’t remember when it has rained so hard_”] - -SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—higher. SEA—higher. SHIP’S RUN—1. -WIRELESS REPORT—Ephesus C. Q. D.’d. So did Tyre. - -REMARKS: - -I never saw such a rain. It simply poured all day.—No ministers -aboard so I had to conduct the services in the saloon this morning. -Took as my text—Genesis 7:7. Mrs. Shem played the harpsichord. No -collection.—Sea just a little rougher this afternoon.—Have had a time -keeping Ham in the engine room. He’s lazy. He would rather fish than -work. Ham’s wife always sides with him. I’m afraid I’ll have trouble -with her.—Hope we don’t run into any of those waterspouts I’ve read -about.—Cargo still quiet. Hope none of those submarines attack us. - -MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—N. E. SEA—a bit choppy. SHIP’S -RUN—½. WIRELESS REPORT—S. O. S. Chaldea. - -REMARKS: - -Women folks kicked to beat the band. It was too wet to hang out the -wash. I told them to bring enough lingerie to last forty days. I -always thought women’s clothes were too complicated anyway.—Made an -inspection of the staterooms. Everything O. K. and sanitary. Some of -the animals are a little crowded, but I can’t help that when each -mammoth takes two staterooms.—The Shetland ponies need exercise, but -it keeps on raining.—Mrs. Noah is still complaining. She can’t stand -the motion of the ship, and now she says the thought of the French -poodles being bunked with the rhino is horrible.—Real estate getting -scarce.—Had the auto tires thrown overboard. I couldn’t see any use -for them. - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—same. SEA—choppier. SHIP’S RUN—same. -WIRELESS REPORT—Record high water in Babylon. Stores flooded. -Boats in streets. - -REMARKS: - -That bunk of mine is made of concrete.—I’m a little shaky today. -Appetite all gone. Meals don’t taste good. Felt better on deck. I’ve -never been seasick in my life. I wonder if this is it?—I’ll be all -right tomorrow. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—stronger. SEA—pretty rough. SHIP’S -RUN—¼. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Bagdad. - -REMARKS: - -Rain and a little rougher. Never had such strange sensations. I excused -myself from the dinner table. I don’t think it’s the motion of the -boat, but the smell of the cooking and the vibration. I like to keep -perfectly quiet in my steamer chair and have plenty of air.—Mrs. -Japheth brought me a sardine sandwich this afternoon. That was -sinful.—Only stuck my head in the dining-room door at supper time. I’d -like to be on dry land just now. Mrs. Noah is a nuisance. She wants to -know what she can do for me. Why can’t people let me alone in these -critical times? Wonder if I am seasick?—I’ll be all right tomorrow. - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—stronger. SEA—nauseating. SHIP’S -RUN—¼. WIRELESS REPORT—Work stopped on tower of Babel. - -REMARKS: - -Rougher and more rain.—Tried to get up this morning but gave it up. -Every time the Ark pitches I feel so uncomfortable. Nothing I eat stays -et. Mrs. Noah and the girls brought hot lemonade and gruel into my -cabin. It only takes the thought of such things to make my sensations -worse. I don’t see why they had to fry onions today.—The second -officer came in tonight and said it was my watch. I told him the Ark -could get along without my watch. He said we might founder if the -bridge was empty. I told him I didn’t care if we did.—Mrs. Ham says -there is no such a thing as seasickness. She claims it’s a state of -mind. Why can’t people let me alone?—I’ll be all right tomorrow. - -FRIDAY. COURSE— WEATHER— WIND— -SEA— SHIP’S RUN— WIRELESS REPORT— - -REMARKS: - -————! - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—abating. SEA—steadier. SHIP’S RUN—I -forgot to look. WIRELESS REPORT—S. O. S. Troy. - -REMARKS: - -Am writing this in bed. Guess it rained yesterday. Oh! it was awful! I -must have been seasick. How I wanted the old ship to sink! My system -never went back on me like that—Oh! it was frightful—horrible! I felt -as though I were going down in one of those new-fangled elevators. And -then, these people kept bothering me. I wanted to die alone. I told -the family where they could find the will.—Japheth said I should eat -some finnan haddy. That was a deliberate attempt on my life. Mrs. Shem -made me suck a lemon, and take a bottle of sure-cure seasick medicine. -I nearly died after that. Mrs. Noah kept stroking my head, and asking -what I wanted to eat. Ham brought me a bottle of cod liver oil. I -wanted to smite him, but I had not the strength. The only comfort I -had was Shem. I heard him say, “Why don’t you people get out, and -let the old man alone?” That was so kind.—I hope I’ll be all right -tomorrow.—Postponed my bath. - -SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—same. SEA—calmer. SHIP’S RUN—same as -yesterday. WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Phœnicia. - -REMARKS: - -Still raining. Postponed church until next Sunday.—I went up on deck -for awhile. Still feel a little wabbly. The officers accused me of -being seasick. I was not. Something I ate didn’t agree with me.—I miss -the Sunday newspapers.—The male elephant was down with a bad tuskache -this afternoon. Tried to pull it but I was too weak. - -[Illustration] - -MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—no wind. SEA—all right again. SHIP’S -RUN—3. WIRELESS REPORT—Peach and potato crops ruined. - -REMARKS: - -Rained harder than usual.—The elephant’s tusk was much better this -morning.—There’s a funny piece of mechanism on the bridge. It has -N. S. E. W. printed on it. Shem and Ham say it’s a game. They spin a -needle and guess where it will stop. Shem always puts his money on the -letter N and wins. They wouldn’t let me play the N. I believe Shem is a -capper.—This weather looks like a real flood.—I feel a little better -today. - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—none. SEA—none. SHIP’S RUN—3. -WIRELESS REPORT—C. Q. D. Mesopotamia. - -REMARKS: - -Mrs. Noah is again complaining. She says the weather takes the waves -out of her marcels. I suppose on the forty-first day she will find -fault with the sunshine.—The camels took a drink four days ago, and -haven’t touched a drop since.—Shem and Ham let me play the N today. I -lost two more shekels. I think that machine is possessed.—According to -the almanac we should be having fine weather. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—moderate. SEA—reposed. SHIP’S -RUN—4¼. WIRELESS REPORT—none today. - -REMARKS: - -Mrs. Noah is becoming attached to the diplodocus carnegiei. The two -are together a great deal.—I played that machine again today. Lost! -Just before I quit, I saw Shem hold a horseshoe where he wanted the -needle to stop. When I caught him, he said it was only for good luck. -I see through that game now. I’ll catch them tomorrow.—I’m all the -time forgetting on which side of the ship the red lights belong. I -can’t see the use of making my Ark look like a drug store.—WEATHER -FORECAST—continued rain. - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—south. SEA—same as usual. -RAINFALL—six inches. SHIP’S RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -This morning I took a shoe off the mare. Put ten shekels on the -letter W. Held my good-luck shoe at the letter. Shem held his at E. -Shem won. I’m not going to play that game any more.—Guess the camels -must be sick. They will not drink.—Don’t see land anywhere. The -thousand-leggers haven’t their sea legs as yet. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: “_I’m not going to play that game any more_”] - -FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—steady. SEA—same as yesterday. SHIP’S -RUN—1. WIRELESS REPORT—none. - -REMARKS: - -The weather still has it in for us.—I found Shem’s good-luck -horseshoe. It’s a magnet. The scoundrel!—Spent the morning reading up -on animals. Wish I knew as much about them as Mr. Æsop.—Japheth says -the peanut-eating varieties have consumed 477,392 nuts.—Nearly had a -sad disaster today.—One of the bullfrogs jumped overboard. We lowered -the lifeboat, and rescued him after a chase.—The water spaniels seem -to enjoy this weather.—The women folks have organized some kind of an -“anti” society.—The food on board is extraordinary. The salt air seems -to have benefited my appetite. Still, Mrs. Noah never could cook like -mother. - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—straight ahead. RAINFALL—5½ inches. SHIP’S -RUN—4. SEA—much deeper. - -REMARKS: - -Did not sleep well last night. The rain on the roof keeps me -awake.—Mrs. Noah went about the Ark pinning up “No smoking” -signs.—All at sea about our course. If the world is round we are all -right. If it’s flat we may topple off the edge. We ancients are greatly -handicapped. Wish Columbus had lived before my time. Japheth and I -spent the whole morning trying to figure where we are. His calculations -make us sailing south of the Dead Sea. Mine show we are over Sheba. I’m -right because I’m the captain.—The camels still won’t drink.—Had to -scold Ham for trying to steal the fish-worms. I’ll bet he wanted to go -fishing tomorrow.—Took my bath. - -[Illustration: “_Spent the morning reading up on animals_”] - -SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—cool. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -No services. Shem ran into my cabin this morning. He was greatly -excited. He said the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the -metriorhynchus superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium had -climbed out of their stalls, and were fighting with the macanchenia -patagonica and the testudo periniana. I went downstairs and found -that the bothriospondylus madagascariensis, the metriorhynchus -superciliosus, and the long-horned brontotherium were not fighting with -the macanchenia patagonica and the testudo periniana, but with the -sceliditherium leptocephalum and the pachydiscus peramphus. The noise -of the battle awoke the machairodus negæus, the horplophorus ornatus, -and the pareiasaurus serridens. They began to purr. It was a good thing -for me I was not stepped on while stopping the fight. Gol darn the -fellow who gave animals such names. - -[Illustration: “_It’s a good thing for me I wasn’t stepped on while -stopping the fight_”] - -MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—dry. SEA—smooth. SHIP’S RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -Twenty days out. Rain half over.—Camels took a drink today. First time -since the tenth. I’d hate to be a camel.—I won the pool on the ship’s -run.—We have to watch the flies all the time to keep them away from -the fly-paper.—Shem complains that the lions eat too much meat. Meat -is expensive these days. I’m going to try feeding them hay.—Shot craps -awhile this afternoon with Japh.—We are using the sun-dials again. -During the night the ostrich broke into the chart room and swallowed my -Ingersoll chronometer.—It takes 24 life preservers to go around the -elephant. - -[Illustration] - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—up a bit. SEA—starting to blow. SHIP’S -RUN—½. - -REMARKS: - -I am sure this is a record rain. Read all the weather reports, but -can’t find any to beat it.—Wish I had spent more time in zoos when -I was ashore. There are some details about animals which I do not -know. Today I wanted to find out why the canaries always attack the -cuttlefish.—The girls spent the afternoon playing bridge. War in camp -now.—Mrs. Noah has named her diplodocus carnegiei “Yorick.” It makes -me laugh to see them promenading the deck together.—The mice broke out -today. - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—worse. SEA—worse. SHIP’S RUN—¼. - -REMARKS: - -The typhoid fever germs are looking thin. I don’t know who to feed them -on. Sometimes I think it would be a good idea to throw them overboard, -but I’m too tender-hearted.—My raincoat leaks. Caught a bad cold. Mrs. -Noah made a mustard foot-bath for me tonight. Drank two goblets of -sassafras tea. Mrs. Ham tried to give me some patent medicine. No sir, -I’ll stick to the old-fashioned remedies every time. The Ark is a bad -place for a rheumatic.—Caught Ham making hieroglyphics of me today. - -[Illustration: “_Never saw such rain_”] - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—terrible. SEA—wild. SHIP’S RUN—minus -19. - -REMARKS: - -I stood on the bridge eighteen hours during a storm. Never saw such -waves. Some were as high as the Tower of Babel is going to be. A few -broke into the funnels. Ham was flooded out of the engine room. We -used racks on the table, and had trouble with the soup. The hippo -rolled over one of the mice and nearly squashed it. The animals got all -mixed up. The lightning turned the condensed milk sour. Mrs. Shem says -she will be able to make cheese out of it. Had to throw the library -overboard to save the ship. I saved the almanac, Æsop’s animal book, -the dictionary, and the Everyman’s Encyclopedia. The sea is quieting -now. I’m dead tired. Now to bed.—I wonder where mother-in-law is -tonight? - -[Illustration: “_Had to throw the library overboard to save the ship_”] - -FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—less. SEA—less. SHIP’S RUN—1. - -REMARKS: - -While making an inspection of the fowls of the air, I heard someone -talking. Thought it was a stowaway until I found two Irish-green birds -with Hebraic beaks and the voice of a man. They are the most wonderful -birds I ever saw. One of them hollered “hello,” and the other says -something about a cracker. I’m going to make friends with them. Took -them to my stateroom. They eat sunflower seed and climb with their -faces. - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—from astern. SEA—quiet. SHIP’S -RUN—resumed normal speed. - -REMARKS: - -I must be careful what I say before those green birds. While hunting -for a collar-button I bumped my head. When Mrs. Noah came into the room -they repeated what I said.—I wish it would stop raining so I could -paint the ship.—Yorick keeps pawing at the stateroom door during the -night. He is worse than a wolf. I don’t dare say anything.—Bath. - -SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—shifty. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—3. - -REMARKS: - -Not a sign of a let-up in the rain.—Services this A.M.—One -of those impudent birds called me “whiskers” today. I hung them down -in the engine room for punishment. Mrs. Noah said it was cruel to -leave them in that smoky place. Tonight she brought them back to the -stateroom. Their language was shocking. They had learned a lot of -new words.—I like Sundays. We always have ice-cream for dinner.—I -caught Ham fishing today. Put the fish-worms in the safe. I don’t trust -him.—Shem says the lookout barrel is too tight for him. - -[Illustration] - -MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—moist. SEA—cheerless. SHIP’S RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -Another wash-day ruined.—We can’t stand those birds any more. I think -Ham must have taught them that strange language. I locked them up in -the booby hatch so they won’t contaminate the other birds.—Came into -the cabin with muddy feet today. Mrs. Noah gave it to me. I don’t see -why I can’t do as I please on my own Ark.—Had my hair cut. These ship -barbers are miserable and their prices are exorbitant.—Won pool on -ship’s run. The women keep asking me when the rain will stop. They want -to use their kodaks. - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—abating. SEA—squally. SHIP’S RUN—1. - -REMARKS: - -I am awakened every morning by the crew scrubbing. It sounds as though -they bring the trunks out of the hold and shuffle them around the -decks.—We had quite a hunt this afternoon. Some of the ant-eaters’ -food escaped. Mrs. Japheth finally found them in the preserves.—The -rhino had a bad accident last night. He tripped while walking -downstairs. Several square feet of hide was torn off. We riveted on a -piece of boiler plate. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—high. SEA—disturbed. SHIP’S RUN—½. - -REMARKS: - -Greatly disappointed at breakfast. My day for the egg, but the hen -didn’t lay one.—The male whale has a bad attack of eczema. I must be -careful of that fish. I have to save him for Jonah.—My steamer rug is -almost worn out.—Ouch! I just killed a mosquito. I don’t mind their -singing, but I can’t get used to their bites.—One of my back teeth -began to ache. - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -An all-day rain.—I can’t get along with Mrs. Ham. About all she can -do is sit around and try to look pretty. She can’t even do that very -well. Her family thought Ham married her for her money. Some women -are so useless. Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth are so different. They are -sympathetic and love the cargo. They seem to realize I have done quite -a favour in bringing them along. It does my heart good to see Mrs. Shem -pet those pigs. She would make a dandy snake-charmer. That Ham woman -only plays with the French poodle and the pomeranian. Today she refused -to feed the mosquitoes. She said they make lumps on her arms. - -FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—hot. SEA—peaceful. SHIP’S RUN—3. - -REMARKS: - -Set the sun-dial ahead half an hour. Have to do that every day to keep -up with the run of the ship.—The giraffe has a cold in his throat. -Mrs. Noah took all my red flannels and forty pounds of bacon to make -a bandage.—I get all muddled up when I try to figure where we are. -The first officer thinks we are off the coast of Egypt. That’s where -they are going to build the pyramids. I guess we are sailing along the -African coast. Keeping a sharp lookout for pirates.—The women folks -are always asking me when it will stop raining. They say nobody will -believe they have been away unless they are sunburned. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—tempered. SEA—none. SHIP’S RUN—none. -Stopped for repairs. - -REMARKS: - -Rained pitchforks all day.—Put an extra officer on deck to watch for -pirates. The high seas are dangerous in these prehistoric days.—Ham -won’t let his wife tend the whales. He says her clothes smell fishy. -I’ll never go through another flood so short-handed.—Shem tells me I -ought to put the latitude and longitude in the log. I didn’t like to -show my ignorance so I said I would, but I won’t.—This damp weather -has a depressing effect on the officers and the family. It also is -making the canary seed sprout, and putting mould on the hay.—Guess all -the mines are flooded by this time. I had stock in several—guaranteed -to pay 200 per cent. Hope they are waterproof. Wish it were the -fortieth.—Bath. - -SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Services this A.M. We are saving the collection until we get -ashore.—I’m 600 years old today. I’ll be grey soon. The family got -tired pounding me. Tonight the officers and their wives gave me a -surprise party. Mrs. Shem baked a cake, but you couldn’t see it for -candles. Mrs. Japheth gave me some records for the talking machine. -Shem gave me a red tie. Ham gave me—no, he didn’t give me anything. He -wished me many happy returns of the day. His wife presented me with a -pair of dancing sandals. Japheth donated a bottle of hair tonic. Mrs. -Noah knitted me some socks and a nightcap. - -I’m getting along in years, but, still, grandpa was something like 1000 -before they made a mummy out of him. I want to get away with this trip. -It will be a good thing for my reputation. Perhaps it will make me -famous. I want my posterity to have a fine opinion of me. It’s a good -thing for them I was born. I’d like to live a few hundred years more to -see some of my descendants, but it isn’t a good thing to have too much -to do with one’s relations. I wonder where I’ll be when I am 700? Mrs. -Noah did not abuse me once today.—No pirates yet. - -[Illustration] - -MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—variable. SEA—full of seaweed. SHIP’S -RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -The welsh rarebit we had at my party last night kept me awake.—I -wonder what that latitude and longitude is? I ought to have taken -a course in navigation before I undertook this trip.—We are using -the flint and steel again. The matches are too damp.—Mrs. Ham -complains about the butter. She says it is rancid. She can’t expect a -Ritz-Carlton aboard. It was guaranteed for a year. If I ever find the -manufacturer I’ll make him live up to his agreement.—My umbrella needs -re-covering. This weather is certainly monotonous.—No pirates yet. - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—invariable. SEA—middling. SHIP’S -RUN—2. - -REMARKS: - -I was nearly scared to death last night. The dogs awakened me. The -Irish setters barked with a pronounced brogue. At first I thought -someone was breaking into the chicken coop—then I thought of the -pirates! Put on my nightcap, took a candle, and went below. Someone -hollered, “Who?” I said, “I’m Noah, and who are you or I’ll fire?” I -was scared stiff. No answer. I couldn’t find anybody except the two -birds that sleep all day. They kept winking and blinking at me. Didn’t -find any pirates, but I went back to bed and dreamed about them. Ham -says that’s what I get for reading ten shekel novels. - -[Illustration: “_I went back to bed and dreamed about pirates_”] - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—puffy. SEA—dismal. SHIP’S RUN—3. - -REMARKS: - -Seven kittens came aboard during the night. I don’t know what on -earth to do with them. Ham wants to feed them to the iguanodon -bernissartensis. I think they ought to go into the rainwater barrel. -Mrs. Noah and the girls say they will never speak to me if I drown -them.—I’m resting easier. We’re out of the pirate belt.—Our charts -are worthless now. The water is too deep for them.—Threw a keg of -butter overboard this afternoon. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—blowy. SEA—swelly. SHIP’S RUN—¾. - -REMARKS: - -Ha! ha! Ham sat on the porcupine.—Poor Shem was stung while feeding -the bees. They ought to be muzzled.—Have decided to let those kittens -live. I detest a family quarrel.—We moved the pigs’ sty to the extreme -stern.—Passed over Damascus at 4.32. Mrs. Ham told us all about her -visits to the place with her parents.—It was a fine old town. That -reminds me—a fellow there owed me seven and a half camels. - -FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—foggy. -SEA—foggy. SHIP’S RUN—foggy. - -REMARKS: - -Rain and fog. There ought to be a law compelling shipowners to muffle -their fog-horns. Mine kept me awake all last night.—The dinosaur eats -a ton of hay at a meal. If that keeps up we’ll have to put into some -port for more provisions.—Mrs. Noah visited the bowels of the ship -today. She came up crying. She said the hyenas laughed at her. They -are braver than Mr. Noah.—Mrs. Shem is teaching the goats to eat the -soup tins. That will save a little hay. Ah! that woman is fine and -economical. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—less. SEA—less. SHIP’S RUN—1. - -REMARKS: - -Barometer going up. My rheumatism is much better. The clouds seem -to be breaking. I believe it will clear. I’m so used to this rain I -almost hate to see it stop.—One night more and we’ll be able to sit on -deck.—I had everybody guessing at the supper table. I asked them where -Moses is going to be when the light goes out. The officers and their -wives are trying to guess.—I made a muffler for the fog-horn today. -Now, let it fog.—Took my bath. - -SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—rain. -WIND—dying. SEA—calm. SHIP’S RUN—3. - -REMARKS: - -Fortieth day out. Rain almost over.—Services this A.M. Ham -went to sleep during the sermon.—This afternoon I sat around talking -to the girls. They love to hear me tell how I captured the animals. -Today I told them about lassoing the Wild West buffaloes.—Had to get -the trunks out of the hold. Mrs. Noah wanted her parasol.—Everybody -more cheerful.—Had the harpactocaicinus punctulatus out for an airing. -Something must be wrong with them. They only walked sideways. Looked -them up in the encyclopedia and found they were nothing but common -crabs.—Nobody has guessed my riddle.—Mrs. Noah quit kicking about her -corns. Now, I know it will stop raining.—Well, the old Dreadnought -weathered the rain all right. - -MONDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—fine. -WIND—stopped. SEA—blue. SHIP’S RUN—5. - -REMARKS: - -Punctually at one second after eight bells—midnight—the rain -ceased.—The day dawned bright and clear.—Deck was covered with wash -all morning. My, but the sun felt good!—Curried the rust off the two -donkey engines.—The ladies began using their kodaks this afternoon. -I had to pose for my picture.—After supper we all promenaded the -promenade deck. It was clear tonight so we used the searchlight. Much -interesting débris about. It is dangerous to navigation.—Everything -smells so nice after the shower.—Shem says he can’t quite tell where -we are by the stars, but he thinks we are south of the dipper.—Started -painting the ship.—Nobody has guessed my riddle. - -[Illustration] - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. -WIND—balmy. SEA—fine. SHIP’S RUN—5. - -REMARKS: - -The ladies spent the morning ironing.—I rigged up the deck -shuffleboard and practised. The list of the ship makes the game -interesting.—I find my umbrella comes in handy to keep off the -sun.—The girls are now afraid they will be tanned.—Sat in steamer -chair most of the afternoon. Tonight, Shem, Ham, Japheth, and their -wives are sitting on deck and singing old songs. I won’t be able to -get asleep. I wonder if they think this is a Cook’s tour?—Had to tell -the answer to my joke. I thought Shem would die laughing. The dear boy -does enjoy humour.—We are trying to see who can walk around the deck -the greatest number of times.—My nose is beginning to peel.—My, this -weather is glorious! - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. -WIND—same. SEA—delightful. SHIP’S RUN—5. - -REMARKS: - -Still painting ship. Mrs. Ham caught her dress in it. Poor Ham got -an awful lecture. She complained to the captain, but I beat it to -the bridge. Some women are so funny.—The moon came up tonight. All -the young married people are out on deck spooning. It’s a peculiar -thing how the moon and steamers affect some people. I can hear -Mrs. Noah snoring now. A few hundred years ago we also used to be -sentimental.—Put up the awnings today.—Walked around the deck 24 -times after supper.—Wish there were some nice old school teachers -aboard. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -The crew continue scrubbing the decks. They did it in the rainy -weather, and now it’s just the same. This ship etiquette is a -nuisance.—I’m up in the air about my two tadpoles. I don’t know -what has become of them. Found two frogs in their cage. I don’t know -where they came from either. Perhaps they ate my two pollywogs. Now I -have four frogs and no tadpoles.—We have thrown overboard 1,119,111 -microbes to date. I only need two of each kind.—I’m getting prouder of -my animals every day. I have the finest collection in captivity.—The -back of my neck is blistered.—Had a bad scare today. Saw what we -thought was a periscope but found it was only one of Mrs. Noah’s ear -trumpets which had fallen overboard. - -FRIDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—clear. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -We tried to give the ichthyosaurus quadriscessus an airing. She made -the ship list so badly we had to drive her back to the steerage.—Guess -the second officer fell asleep on the bridge. He did not call me for -my watch.—The ladies always want to come up on the bridge when I -am there. I had to take them through the Ark today. Mrs. Ham made -some sarcastic remarks. She said she had frequently crossed on -more luxurious vessels. That may be, but she never had a trip like -this. These women are a perfect nuisance, but a captain has to be -polite.—Walked around deck 16 times. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -Today we sprinkled a barrel of eau de cologne in the steerage and -second cabin.—Posed again for my picture. Mrs. Shem promises to send -me one if it is good.—Had the ladies in my cabin for tea. They asked -many questions about my experiences at sea. I told them a few old -yarns. Gave them all my autograph.—If those potato-bugs don’t soon -lose their appetites we will run out of spuds.—Walked around deck 10 -times.—Bath. - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -Services. I have a hard time getting the men to church this clear -weather.—Put on my Sunday clothes today. It’s a nuisance to dress -in these little staterooms. Every time I change my robes I have to -pull the trunk from under the bunk, and then the things I want are -usually in the trunks in the hold.—These women ask me so many foolish -questions. I have to explain the machinery, the charts, and tell -them how I run the Ark. They pester the life out of me with “What is -this?” and “What is that for?” If they bother me tomorrow I’m going to -hide.—Walked around the deck eight times.—We have prunes every Sunday -night for supper. - -WASHDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -Women folks down below washing. I was awfully lonely all day.—Now that -the wireless is out of commission the ladies are using the wires for a -clothes line.—Ham says the moles are burrowing in the coal.—The goats -nearly ate the fish-worms’ pan.—The two mules with the tiger’s skin -are overeating.—Still painting the Ark.—The laundry on this ship is -miserable. My collars are like saws.—I’m getting corns on my hands -from steering.—Walked around deck five times. - -[Illustration] - -TUESDAY. COURSE—straight ahead. WEATHER—same. -WIND—same. SEA—same. SHIP’S RUN—same. - -REMARKS: - -One of the bulldogs buried his bone in the coal. He wouldn’t let Ham go -near the bunkers. If I hadn’t gone down cellar and chased him back to -his kennel the Ark would have stopped. Ham is a big coward to be afraid -of a little bulldog.—Was shocked this afternoon. Found the women folks -in the smoke room holding a suffrage powwow. These women will want to -run everything some day. I can remember the time when they knew where -they belonged. I haven’t any use for these modern notions. - -I’m tired writing all this dope about the course, weather, etc. I’m -going to quit it even if I lose my job. Besides, I’m running out of -stone and my chisels are getting dull. - -WEDNESDAY. COURSE—I forgot, I’m not going to write that any -more. - -REMARKS: - -Spent the morning writing letters.—Shem called my attention to the -fact that I call the right hand side of the Ark the right side, and the -left hand side the left side. He says I should say “port” for the port -side, and “starboard” for the starboard side—or something like that. -He seems to forget this is my first flood and I’m liable to make a few -mistakes.—Ham dressed up the girl monkey, and took out the hand-organ. -He thought I would give him some shekels, but he was mistaken. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Wish the hen would lay more than one egg a day. We take turns eating it -for breakfast. Eight days is a long time to wait. I’m going to suggest -omelets.—Shem propounded a good one tonight. He asked why a hen -crosses the boulevard. I laughed so hard it hurt.—Mrs. Shem took my -picture again today.—Four of the seven kittens each found seven more -kittens.—Moved the bookworms from the hold to Mrs. Noah’s cook book. -They ought to find something they like in it.—The ravens make a lot of -noise at night. I would choke them, only I need one later.—Mrs. Noah -brings Yorick into the dining-room at meal time. I never did like to -see people feed pets at the table.—One of the fleas is lost. - -[Illustration] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -We had our dance tonight. It was a glorious success. I’m all out of -breath, and dead tired now. I danced through my birthday dancing -sandals. We decorated the deck with flags and Japanese lanterns, and -sprinkled candle grease on the dance floor to make it glide. Shem and -Mrs. Japheth were the orchestra. I had eleven dances with Mrs. Shem, -and only stepped on her feet twice and her dress once. Ham is a rough -dancer. He bumped my partner.—Mrs. Noah wore a new gown. I did not -think it was becoming because it was cut too _décolleté_. I don’t see -why these old women like to look so young. - -Mr. and Mrs. Japheth did one of those new dances. I forget what they -call it—something about a turkey. Rather unedifying I thought. If -there had been any ministers around, I bet they would have passed -resolutions.—We danced the minuet seventy times, and the Sir Roger de -Coverley twenty. I was mixed up once in awhile because I hadn’t danced -some of those dances for over 300 years.—We didn’t have any Egyptian -dances. - -[Illustration: “_We had our dance tonight_”] - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Had our only real catastrophe today. I’m broken hearted. I’m weeping -now. I took the two unicorns out on deck for exercise. They insisted -on climbing along the gunwale. They liked nothing better. I was afraid -they would fall overboard. They did. It took Ham a long time to stop -the Ark. He forgot which levers to pull. When we got back to the place -where the unicorns fell overboard there was nothing to be seen but -bubbles. The poor dears couldn’t swim. It was the saddest moment in my -life. Shem says it may all be for the best because they were only good -for designs on escutcheons and coats of arms. I take great comfort in -his words, but I am afraid people will always say that unicorns were a -myth. All the flags are at half-mast.—Something is making me scratch. -I notice some red spots on my person.—Took my bath. - -SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT—Shem says there’s no fun using the -wireless unless you can talk to somebody. - -REMARKS: - -Services this morning. I am tired of preaching. Wish there had been -some good ministers.—The candles are giving out. Was struck with a -bright idea. Took the two lightning bugs and put them in a wine bottle. -Hung it from the chandelier. Great success.—House-cleaned the aquarium -this afternoon. I can’t see why the white fish don’t get along with the -smoked herring.—Mrs. Noah located that flea. - -[Illustration] - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -We played charades tonight. Ham and his wife came as Adam and Eve. We -guessed them in a minute. Japheth put on a suit of my robes, and came -as me. I guessed him by the beard. Mrs. Noah was an Egyptian princess, -who fell in love with some foreigners. I forget her name. Mrs. Japheth -appeared as a Chaldean suffragette. We gave her up until she smashed a -few portholes. - -I came disguised with a lantern. Walked around the deck looking for -someone. They couldn’t guess me. Then I went up to a looking-glass -and shook hands with myself. They couldn’t even guess me after that. -Afterwards, Ham said he thought I was Diogenes but I threw him off the -scent when I shook hands with myself. - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Mrs. Ham wants me to give her the feathers of the birds of paradise -if they die.—Ham played a mean trick on me today. While I was on -the bridge he ran up and said somebody wanted me on the telephone. I -was half-way down the ladder before I tumbled.—Mrs. Shem made candy -this afternoon. She gave me a whole pan to myself. I do like that -woman.—Mrs. Noah wishes there were some other women on the Ark to talk -about.—Gave the apple worms a fresh apple.—Caught Ham fishing in the -gold-fish bowl. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Spent the morning tacking a screen around the two spider-webs to keep -the flies from bothering the poor bugs.—Fed the moths the last piece -of brussels carpet today.—Those two sphinxes haven’t eaten a single -thing on the voyage. I’ve read somewhere they only eat mummies. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Nothing happened today. - -[Illustration] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -We’re almost over the equator. Quite warm. Wish we had brought some -electric fans.—That moose of mine has a dandy pair of antlers. I’d -like to have them for a hat-rack.—Yorick scratched up the flower -box. Mrs. Noah never said a word. If one of my animals had done that, -I never would have heard the end of it.—It beats me where all these -kittens are coming from. Put the canaries in the safe. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Made inventory of cargo. All present. It’s a grand sight to see them -all lined up. It’s a wonder I can remember all their names. I do -get mixed on the Latin pronunciation occasionally, but the family -never notice it. Anyway, I can’t see the use of giving a fly such a -high-faluting name as “musca domestica.”—The women folks make a lot -of fuss over the peacocks. They’re too fancy for me. I like something -plain like a hippopotamus.—It might be a good plan to catalogue these -animals while I have them all together. But I’m not a zoölogist. I’m a -shipbuilder and navigator.—My day to eat the egg.—Slipped Mrs. Noah’s -muff into the moths’ den. It ought to make good pasture for them.—Took -my bath. - -SUNDAY. WIRELESS REPORT—Do your Christmas shopping early. - -REMARKS: - -Services.—We’re over India. It’s a shame we are so close to these -interesting places and can’t see them.—Shem says we are nearer the -horizon today than any time on the cruise.—Ham can’t see any use in -hanging up the red and green lights at night. As long as I’m captain -I’m going to run the Ark according to the rules. Who ever heard of an -Ark at sea without lights?—No ice-cream for dinner today. The freezer -is broken.—Mrs. Noah found her muff. She was furious. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Can’t understand two little birds among my specimens. They roost in -the top of the clock. Every once in awhile they come out and holler -“coo-coo.” I have tried everything to make them eat. They don’t like -bird-seed. Now, I’m tempting them with worms.—Took Mrs. Noah’s boa to -the moths’ den. I was caught. She won’t talk to me now. That woman is -heartless. She wouldn’t care if the dear animals starved to death. I’ll -have to feed them blotting paper.—Repaired the freezer. - -[Illustration] - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -We can’t keep the fox terrier away from talking machine. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Had all the creeping things out for exercise. The deck was quite -alive. I have made pets of all the animals on the Ark with the -exception of some of these. Take the St. Vitus dance microbes for -instance—they are entirely too unsympathetic for me. I don’t -care much for the snakes either. They are the things that got -my great-great-great-great-grandmother into trouble. One of the -grasshoppers tried to jump overboard.—Japh, Ham and their wives -sit too late in the smoke room. Those children ought to go to bed -early.—Mrs. Shem says the Noah family eats so much the pigs are -getting thin.—Seven more kittens today. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -One of the megatheriums presented her husband with a little, -seventy-five foot daughter. We’re too crowded as it is. Shem and I fed -her a couple of barrels of chloroform, and then threw it overboard. It -will make a fine fossil for some museum.—Mrs. Noah gave a progressive -bridge tonight. I had to go. I don’t see why one can’t sit at the same -table all evening. Still, the moving keeps me awake. Mrs. Shem won a -stamp album, and Ham got a chafing-dish. - -[Illustration] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Posed again for my picture.—Yorick has eaten all the Spratt’s -biscuits.—Dropped one of the clay pigeons, but did not break -him.—Spent morning whitewashing the chicken coop.—Fourteen more -kittens today.—Passed several floating _Verboten_ signs. We must be -over Germany. Mrs. Ham had to tell us all about her travels in that -country.—There’s a little hundred-footer in the thousand-legger bunk. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Mrs. Japheth made a _faux pas_ this morning. She shouted, “Ship -ahoy.” We all ran to the railing and looked. She insisted she saw -smoke beyond the horizon. If there’s anything to be seen the man on -the lookout ought to see it first.—I spend a good deal of time on the -bridge these days. We are in the path of the liners and I don’t want a -collision. But I guess we won’t sink. We have twelve rats aboard.—Bath. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: “_Feeding time in the steerage_”] - -SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -One of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when -we began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He’ll have seven years’ bad -luck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back -to his cage. I don’t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good -sermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the -sins of the world. They’ll get that sermon yet.—The cook says we are -running out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.—My day for -the egg.—We’re crossing the Ægean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about -her last voyage.—Going to have a mock trial tomorrow. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty -to animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and -Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She -told the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn’t -let the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed -the megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I -never opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that -I threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin’ out of -the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the -crazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn’t -do any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick. - -Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C. -A. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I -had done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and -that she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the -leopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations -were pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The first -witness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing “megatherium -cubieri,” “megatherium cubieri” and not “megatherium cubieri.” The -other witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according -to my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned -he produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a -crazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said -I was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be -a blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously -acquitted by the jury. - -[Illustration] - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Spent morning in the monkey fo’csle. I’d hate to think I was a -descendant of theirs. I once asked grandpa about that story. He said -he had talked it over with his grandmother. She told him grandpa Adam -often declared the fabrication to be a deliberate lie.—I don’t know -what to do with the Ark after we land. Perhaps I can sell it to some -curiosity or second-hand dealer.—The crane stood on his other leg -today.—I felt sorry for the bugs in the hold, so I put an ark light -down there. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Christmas must be coming. Mrs. Noah has stopped complaining. She says -I am looking so young. Mrs. Ham warmed my slippers tonight. Ham is -really working.—A litter of pigs came aboard. Pigs is pigs. Anyway, -they are more practical than kittens. It’s against my principles to eat -pork, so we are going to make them into sausage.—Ham hopes the oysters -have little ones. He says he would enjoy a good oyster-stew.—Put on -my diver’s suit this afternoon, and went overboard to see if my two -barnacles were still on the keel. They were. - -[Illustration: “_Went overboard to see if my two barnacles were still on -the keel_”] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The night before Christmas. Everybody hung their stockings before the -fireplace. Ham wanted me to play Santa, and climb down the funnel. I -knew if I did he would pile on more coal. The family couldn’t do enough -for me tonight.—I finally decided to play Santa Claus. Dressed up like -a real toy-store Kriss Kringle. We had a jolly good time in the cabin. -Decorated the tree, and hung some mistletoe from the chandelier. I -caught Mrs. Shem several times. Mrs. Noah had to get jealous, and sat -under it. - -I don’t think they would have known who I was if my beard had not -caught fire. Everybody lost their heads. The girls fainted. The boys -ran for the fire buckets. I finally got a fire-extinguisher going, but -the thing was so old-fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned -before I put out the flames. - -[Illustration: “_Several inches of whiskers were burned_”] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Christmas—peace on earth, good will to men. Up early to see what -was in my stocking. We had a family gathering in the saloon this -morning. Received the most original presents. Mrs. Ham gave me some -cigars (haven’t smoked any yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family -gave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas cards, another red -tie, slippers, a knitted shirt, and a pair of skates. Ham gave me -subscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair -of anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor. -He’s only 82 and hasn’t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular -Christmas presents. - -When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It’s too -expensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such -inappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.—Had a -real plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.—Oh! -yes, I did not get my egg today. They made eggnog out of it.—We opened -a barrel of candy.—I’m glad the day is over. - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Lit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one spatter as much when it hit -the water. The slippers pinch my feet.—Yorick walked in my way today. -I gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah saw me. She jawed me and said I had to -stop kicking her pet around.—Mrs. Ham complained to the captain that -Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her -she would have to see the deck steward about it.—I wish Ham would work -more and draw less.—Took my bath. - -SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -I would like to see a newspaper.—Those two Texas steers are mighty -interesting. Just to think what a big trust their descendants -will figure in.—The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the -machinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations -tailless.—Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading -the deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives’ sake. -Accidentally dropped it overboard.—We’re sailing up the Jordan River. -Of course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. That woman has -travelled a bit, and continually says, “When I was here the last time,” -or “When I was here before.” It is vulgar to talk like that. These old -travellers are pests.—Hurrah! the prunes are all gone. - -WASHDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Brought one of the Balaam trick donkeys on deck. Ham had a terrible -tumble. They wanted me to ride him, but I thought it would be -undignified.—Band concert tonight. I was the audience. The music -caused such a disturbance down in the hold that the band had to quit. -I never was so grateful to those animals before.—We’re going about ¼ -of a knot an hour. I wonder if an ark ever will be built to go as fast -as one knot.—There’s another little rattle in the rattlers’ box.—Ham -took our pictures today. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Stopped all last night on account of a fog. I’m not taking any chances -with the Ark.—Gave the elephants an extra peanut today. Japheth raised -Cain with me. He’s a regular Scotchman.—This afternoon we took Jumbo -out, and gave the ladies a ride. It looked like a circus parade. Wish -I had a motion picture of it.—We also had the races on deck. The boys -ran a marathon. I lost interest—too long. Afterwards I won the potato -race. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. December 31, B.C. 2349. - -REMARKS: - -It’s tomorrow now. We all sat around watching the old year out, and -the new year in. At eight bells—midnight—the Ark whistles began to -blow. The family jumped up on the tables, waved flags and blew horns. -Shem opened a bottle of wine.—This is pretty late for me to be up, -but I like a party once in awhile. I haven’t had one since the Ark was -christened. - -FRIDAY. January 1, B.C. 2348. - -REMARKS: - -Wished everybody a happy yom kippur.—Am going to turn over some new -leaves today. Resolved to stop allowing Mrs. Noah to run the Ark, -to abandon wine, and swear off swearing. I am also going to keep a -diary.—We had some fine stewed rabbit for supper.—Received a few New -Year cards.—I am glad I have resolved to abstain from wine. In this -antiquity there is little comfort in becoming inebriated. And, then, I -don’t like that feeling I have in my head the morning after. It would -be a blessing to humanity if someone would invent a remedy for that -pain. I use a towel and ice water. Yes, I’m going to stop, and set a -good example to my offspring. - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The iguanodon bernissartensis laid an egg. We thought the Ark had run -aground when she cackled. The crew and I rolled it on the scales, but -it was too heavy to weigh. Ham wanted his mother to make an omelet. I -decided, however, to throw it overboard for fear the thing might hatch. -It made a fine big splash.—Passed a school of drowned fish.—Cut -myself this morning while shaving. I’m going to purchase a safety razor -as soon as I get into port.—Passed over Paris. Poor girls. - -[Illustration] - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Entertainment tonight. Pretty dull affair except for my number which -was the feature of the evening. Brought up one of the lions, and made -him go through all his stunts—jump through rings, growl at me, etc. -Then I had the seals. They are very slippery for trainers, but I made -them juggle a flaming torch and balance balls on their noses. Did a lot -of other circus tricks, too. Ended my performance with a grand display -of the elephant. Let him carry me about, walk over me, and stand on a -wash-tub and beg. I do love to crack that whip.—Mrs. Ham gave a lyre -solo. She struck several false notes.—Mrs. Japheth sang “Auld Lang -Syne.”—Ham did a hornpipe.—Shem recited a poem which he dedicated to -me. It was so full of sentiment I’m going to learn it by heart even if -I’m not much of a hand at poetry.—Mrs. Noah took up a collection for -the wives of the seamen.—I don’t like these ship entertainments. I’d -rather see a musical comedy with a good-looking choir any day. - -[Illustration: “_My number was the feature of the evening_”] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Today Mrs. Ham told us about a steamer where they had a daily -newspaper. I decided to publish one. Made Shem the editor-in-chief, -Japheth the printer, Mrs. Ham the society editor, and Ham the -cartoonist. First copy is to come from press tomorrow.—We have another -camel and a wee ichthyosaurus burgundii.—One of the crickets has a -sore chirp. - -[Illustration] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -First edition of our paper came out today. We call it the _Diluvian -Times_. Price ½ shekel. Sold seven copies. Ham had a cartoon in it of -Shem. It was the funniest thing I ever saw.—Played solitaire tonight -to kill time.—The mock turtles have a baby mock turtle.—Am glad our -paper is such a success. - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The _Diluvian Times_ was again for sale at the news-stand. Ham’s -cartoon of Mrs. Noah made me roar. That boy certainly is clever with -his chisel. Mrs. Noah was greatly offended. I don’t see why.—Twins -arrived at the oyster headquarters.—Twelve more kittens today.—The -German eagle and the British lion are always growling at each -other.—Tonight I sat around reading the paper. - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Ham’s cartoon of Japheth was capital in today’s _Diluvian Times_. I -laugh every time I think of it.—The flies are becoming a nuisance. -They have occupied all the fly-paper. I love my two pet flies, but I -don’t like their descendants.—Another rhino today. I boxed up the -storks. - -[Illustration] - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -There wasn’t a yesterday. We reached the spot in the ocean where we -captains have to forget a day. I don’t know where the 24 hours go. If I -were a younger man I would organize an expedition to come out here and -try to find them. Pushed all the sun-dials a whole day ahead.—There’s -a cartoon of me in today’s _Diluvian Times_. That impertinent Ham -did it. I didn’t see anything funny in it. Some people always spoil -everything. - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -No _Diluvian Times_ today. I prohibited the publication.—Spent the -morning explaining the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8 bells to Mrs. Noah -and my daughters-in-law. They were very thick-headed.—Mrs. Noah broke -her curling iron today. I made her another out of a piece of pipe.—The -premium on my life insurance came due today. It was the first time in -479 years I’ve let it lapse.—We have a little Yorick. Mrs. Noah makes -a lot of fuss over the puppy. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Roof began to crack.—We let the microbes play in the smoke room -this morning. Had quite a time getting them back in their respective -cages.—That boy Shem is clever. He is a great comfort to me. He is -fond of astronomy. It may come in handy after the fortieth. He’s -fond of animals, too. He taught the rabbits to sit up on their hind -legs.—One of the lap dogs has the colic. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: _The Engine Room_] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The elephant walked on my corn. By Jove, it did hurt. I wouldn’t have -minded it if he had stepped on my other foot, but—oh!—that corn.—The -alligators were homesick today. Ham painted some swamp scenery for -them. That is about the first useful thing he has done on the whole -trip.—My back tooth still hurts and we’re a long way from a good -dentist. Tried the hot-water bag, seven poultices, and Mrs. Ham’s faith -cure. Still it throbs. - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Made up my mind I would get rid of that tooth. Thought of a fine -home-made-dentist plan to pull it. Tied one end of a string to the -tooth and the other to the handle of my stateroom door. I wanted -somebody to open the door, and then the tooth would fly out. Sat there -all day, but no one came in. Tonight I opened the door and found some -practical joker had tacked up a “no admittance” sign. I’ll bet it was -Ham. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Pulled that tooth today sailor fashion. Tied the other end of the -string to the anchor, and hung on to the mast while Shem threw it -overboard. Thought it would pull the mast up by the roots. I don’t -care, I have fifteen teeth left, but it just dawned on me—I lost that -anchor. - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -100th day of voyage.—Services. I preached about the dangers young -people encounter in large cities. Hope the congregation remember my -warnings.—Tonight I overheard the officers talking. Ham said there was -not much fun working for the governor as I didn’t pay him anything. -He wanted to know how he could bring up a family on those wages. Shem -took my part and said I might leave him something in my will. Japheth -reminded Ham his expenses were next to nothing, and that he had plenty -to eat. He thought the Noah boys ought to make a fortune after we land -because labor will be so cheap. - -Ham said he was going in for politics, and then he would be sure of -his fortune. Japheth said he would like to start a bank. Shem declared -he only would succeed as a professor in some college.—My, I wish one -of my sons would be a lawyer or a doctor. It gives distinction to the -family. I’m glad I haven’t any daughters. All a woman thinks about is -getting married, and I’d have a hard time finding good husbands for -them. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Mrs. Shem and I beat Japheth and Mrs. Japheth at deck shuffleboard. -Score 100 to 97. Mrs. Ham and Shem challenged us. I like to play that -game. It’s fun pushing those stone checkers along the deck.—The boa -constrictor peeled himself today.—Mrs. Ham wants the tiger skins to -make rugs. I told her she could have them if the animals died, but I’m -not going to let them die.—Engineer complains the crows are all the -time in the engine room. He’s afraid they will get mixed up in the -machinery. Hunted around the Ark and found some old clothes and ordered -him to make a scarecrow. - -[Illustration] - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Ham is positively useless as an engineer. During the second watch I -saw a snag ahead. I signalled “stop” to the engineer. Ham came up from -the engine room and wanted to know why. We hit that snag. I’ll never -let him engineer me through another flood.—Exercised the lobsters. -Something must be wrong with their differential gears. They only walk -backwards.—Hoisted the sails to help the coal. - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me at shuffleboard today. Score -100 to 23. They did not play fair. They always waited till the Ark was -steady before they shuffled. Broke my monocle while playing.—A little -mammoth came aboard. Boxed up the storks again.—After tea the ladies -patched the sails.—The male missing-link is down with the gout. Spent -evening looking at the family album. - -[Illustration: “_Shem and Mrs. Ham beat Mrs. Shem and me_”] - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Today all the dog licenses expired, but we’re not liable to run into -any dog-catchers out here.—We played a new game tonight. Ham painted -a donkey without a tail on a sheet. We all had little tails made out -of cloth, and took turns being blindfolded, and trying to pin them -on the place where the donkey’s tail commences. I know I would have -hit the spot because I took a good look before they tied up my eyes, -but that villain Ham started me off in the opposite direction to the -painting.—Mrs. Ham says she does not like to ride on a ship with -patched sails. - -[Illustration] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Am tired of these continental breakfasts, and this condensed -milk.—Wish I had saved the library. I have read everything on board -with the exception of the old time-table, and I’ll finish that -tomorrow.—Mrs. Shem gave a tea in the music room this afternoon.—Have -stopped playing shuffleboard. Nobody will let me beat them at the -game.—The two crows like to roost in the lookout’s barrel. The crew -now call the place the crows’ nest. Put the scarecrow up there to keep -them from interfering with the work of the sailors. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY AND SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -We are spending the week-end painting the ship. I must live up to the -traditions of the sea.—Ham reported seeing a sea-serpent during his -watch last night. I don’t know about the serpent but I do know he was -in the buffet a long time before he went on the bridge.—The company -that sold me the coal cheated me. Their slate won’t burn.—This clear -weather is awfully monotonous.—We officers have worn a rut in the -bridge where we walk.—One of the big rabbits with a long tail and a -pouch appeared on deck today with a youngster.—Finished the time-table -this afternoon.—Took my bath. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Held a lifeboat drill this afternoon. The crew were not very rapid. -It took 1¾ hours to get the boat in the water. All the ropes were -tangled.—Had a talking machine concert this evening. Am tired of -the records. Wish I could get some new ones.—Not a very interesting -day. Did not take my watch this A.M. It was cloudy, and the -sun-dial alarm never went off. - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Another lifeboat drill today. Such a blockhead crew!—Still painting -ship.—Tonight I made out a new will. I’m leaving the Ark, my insurance -and bank account to my widow, provided she never marries again. Shem -gets my spy-glass, the charts, and this log-book. I’m giving my evening -robes, the engines, and the fish-worms to Ham. Japheth is to have my -razor, top hat, and other personal effects. I willed the beautiful, -plush-covered family album, some stock in the Damascus-Bagdad Oriental -Rug Weaving Company, and my mining stock to the girls. The animals and -the earth I divide equally among the family. - -I gave some explicit instructions regarding my funeral. I want to -become a real fine mummy, bound in A No. 1, four ply tire tape, and -tattooed by a good undertaker. The case is to be waterproof. I make a -special request that I shall never be exhibited in a museum. But—I -don’t want to be a mummy for a few centuries. - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Tomorrow I’ll be a rich man. We are going to have a rabbit and turtle -race. Bet all the officers 5 to 1 on the turtle. I saw all the officers -winking, but they don’t know I got a tip from Æsop’s animal book. It -may be wrong to bet on a sure thing, but the money will stay in the -family anyway.—Held another lifeboat drill today. The boat was in the -ocean in one hour. That was a big improvement. Everything went all -right, only we couldn’t find the oars. - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Held the derby today. I’m a ruined man. Threw that nature-faker’s book -overboard. He was either like most authors, or he had a different -kind of a turtle. By jove, my turtle hadn’t reached the first hurdle -before the rabbit was under the wire.—Insisted on another lifeboat -drill. I don’t know what’s the matter with that crew of mine. Two hours -were spent in getting the boat in the sea. I’m not going to let them -practise any more. - -[Illustration] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The ice machine broke today. Engineer spent the whole day trying to -repair it. I tried also, but the engine was like a Chinese puzzle to -me.—The poor polar bears are suffering. Ordered the women folks to -take turns fanning them.—I am greatly worried. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Still Ham couldn’t fix that machine. Wish I had brought a good engineer -along. He says it works perfectly with the exception of making ice. -The ladies threaten a strike on the fanning business. The water in the -seals’ tank is getting warm. The seals and sea-lions are shedding their -fur. Have decided to take the Ark to the polar regions until the engine -is repaired. Of course, I couldn’t find the north pole chart. Shem’s -astronomy came in to good advantage. He suggested heading for the north -star. I just knew his education would come in handy some day.—Tonight -we are sailing northward and I wish we were there. This worry is liable -to drive me to an asylum.—Postponed my bath. - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -No time for services.—That ice machine still stays out of commission. -Ham blames me. It seems the rule book was thrown overboard the night -of the storm.—Shem tried to fix the machine this afternoon. He had -several good repair theories, but it won’t make ice.—Mrs. Noah -complains of two sore wrists. Mrs. Ham declares she never did like -polar bears. I think she would like to see the seals die, and then -she would ask for their skins.—We are going like the wind. Ordered a -forced draught for the engines.—Passed lots of stars. At this rate we -ought to get to the pole in a hurry.—Cooler. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -No washing today. The ladies had to stay in the bear pits.—Gave the -seals an extra fish to keep them quiet.—Ham nearly drives me mad. -He has taken the machine apart scores of times, and puts it together -different every time.—Weather much cooler.—Mrs. Noah took our furs -out of the moth-ball chest.—Tonight we saw the aurora borealis. To me -it looked like a kaleidoscope.—The old Ark is certainly flying. We’ll -be at the pole before you can say Jack Robinson. - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Cold! The thermometer was frozen when I got up this morning.—We are -in the ice fields, and getting near the pole. The bears are relieved. -Don’t have to fan them any more. The seals are again contented.—Mrs. -Ham said she wished she had never seen the Ark. I wish she had her -wish. She is as much bother as an old maid. And I’m glad there weren’t -any good old maids to transport.—We are all wearing our furs.—Thank -goodness, I can sleep tonight and not worry about those bears. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Ice cold! My beard was frozen today.—At noon we passed over the pole. -Thought I would see something, but I was disappointed. Nothing there -but ice and water. I wonder who will say they discovered the place? At -last, Ham repaired the ice machine. I overheard him telling his wife -he had forgotten to turn on some valve. I am going to discharge him -as soon as we get on land.—Those bears actually smiled today. They -seem to enjoy the attention they have been paid of late.—Too cold to -promenade the deck or stand on the bridge, so I gave the officers a -night off. - -THURSDAY. - -REMARKS: - -What the Medes and Persians say about trouble coming in bunches is -true. Now, the heating apparatus won’t work. Nothing like that ever -happened when we were down south. At 2.20 the hippo began shivering. -At 2.30 the metriorhynchus superciliosus began shaking. At 3.00 the -elephants shivered. At 4.00 the bothriospondylus madagascariensis began -shaking. At 4.15 the Ark shook.—We drove the birds to the boiler room, -and put the butterflies into the thermo bottle.—Surely poor Job won’t -have more troubles than poor me. - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -No time for remarks. Busy hot-water bottling the tropical animals. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The Noah family slept in the boiler room last night. I do love the -fire this weather.—The Ark looks like an iceberg.—We’re going -downhill just as fast as those old engines will take us. Passed over -Spitzbergen this afternoon.—I can’t get down south too soon to please -me. I’m going to cruise around the Tropic of Cancer until I get thawed -out.—The women folks are dead tired. It does them good to work once -in a while. This is the first time they have done anything to pay for -their passage, and they shouldn’t complain. If that fool python would -only coil up, he wouldn’t take half so many hot-water bags.—Can’t -spare the hot-water for my bath. - -SUNDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Ham burst into my cabin early this morning and said he had repaired -the heat. Ordered the hot-water-bottle brigade to stop.—I want to -sleep in peace tonight.—Services this A.M. Everybody went -to sleep.—Reached our regular course this afternoon.—I’m thankful -for lots of things today.—I’m thankful we are back here in the warm -weather, that I wasn’t left ashore, that the Ark doesn’t leak, and that -I haven’t had a mutiny.—Now, I’m going to bed. Put the alarm-sundial -in the trunk. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -This warm weather is fine.—We had more excitement on board today. The -foxes broke out of their cages. We held a hurried council of war. I -was elected M. F. H. Shem and I put up the hurdles along the promenade -deck, and then I took the hounds out of their kennels. Mrs. Noah and -I rode the horses, while the others came along on whatever they could -find. My wife complained because she did not bring her riding habit. To -quiet her I let her wear my top hat. - -We had a pleasant ride before the dogs took up the scent. Then the -chase began. The barking of the dogs was deafening. We finally saw -the foxes jumping over the hatches and rainwater barrels. Had a hard -time keeping up with the hounds, and I think we would have done better -if Yorick had kept out of the way. At last, we treed them in an air -funnel. Shem went below and smoked them out, and then we chased them -back to their dens. I was sorry I couldn’t get the tails for the -ladies. We all had a fine breakfast in the saloon after the hunt. - -[Illustration: “_Then the Chase began_”] - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Stiff today. Guess I had too much exercise yesterday. I’m not as young -a man as I was a few centuries ago.—The goose laid an egg. It wasn’t -gold. I must have brought the wrong goose.—Tonight we held a parlour -entertainment in the _salon_. Ham did some tricks. I never knew he was -clever before. He took a rabbit, a gold-fish bowl, a pair of pigeons, -two white rats, and a guinea pig out of my top hat. It was most -extraordinary. I don’t see why I brought all the animals along if Ham -can bring them out of a hat like that. - -[Illustration] - -WEDNESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Had a narrow escape today. While I was dusting the cow stable the cow’s -husband went for me. I didn’t do anything to make him angry. I was -only standing there wiping the perspiration from my forehead with my -bandanna. I didn’t study running for nothing when I went to school. He -chased me around the boat eleven times before I discovered it was my -bandanna that offended him. Wonder if that fool bull thinks I’m going -to carry my white Sunday handkerchief on working days? - -[Illustration] - -FRIDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Began taking soundings today—15 cubits of water.—We are just sailing -along in our own sweet way.—Escorted the ladies through the steerage -this afternoon.—Judging from the manner the dogs are scratching there -must be some baby fleas aboard. Won ship’s pool. - -[Illustration] - -SATURDAY. SOUNDING—14-9/10 cubits. - -REMARKS: - -One of the sponges was quite ill during the night. I soaked him in some -castor oil.—This morning I took a piece of parchment. On it I wrote my -name and address and a note asking the fellow who finds it to drop me a -line. Put it in a bottle and threw it overboard.—Fourteen more kittens -today.—Took my bath. - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY. SOUNDING—same. - -REMARKS: - -Today is Easter. Held a special service this morning. Later Mrs. -Noah and the girls dressed in their new spring clothes and their new -bonnets. Those hats were sights. The ladies marched about the deck, -while we males had to admire them as they passed. I must say Mrs. Noah -looked a couple of hundred years younger than usual.—She gave me a -lecture because I wore my bedroom slippers on deck.—Oh! I’ll be glad -to get ashore. - -[Illustration] - -NEXT FRIDAY. SOUNDING—12 cubits. - -REMARKS: - -Have not written in the log-book for the past week. It’s a nuisance. -The company will probably haul me over the coals.—Weather, animals, -and family just the same.—Today I thought I would send out a bird to -see if there was any land afloat. Tossed up a coin to see whether I -would use a red or black raven. Black won. When I opened the window, -the raven quoth “never more” and flew away. Expected her back tonight -at supper time, but up until now (11.30 P.M.) she has not put -in an appearance.—Terribly worried. - -SATURDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Confound that raven. She hasn’t showed up yet. That bird has either -found land or she is some flyer.—Put the egg she laid in the -incubator.—This afternoon Mrs. Ham told fortunes with cards. Had -her tell mine. She said I soon would travel to a strange land, and -that I should beware of a tall, striking blonde. She declared I would -inherit large tracts of land. She also fortuned I would have family -trouble, and that I should curb my passion for beverages. That was a -mean fortune, but I don’t take much stock in these soothsayings.—Ham -had a worse fortune than mine. According to his wife, he has dark days -before him, and he has to travel to a hot country and work like the old -Nick.—Took my bath. - -[Illustration: “_Mrs. Ham told fortunes with cards_”] - -SUNDAY. SOUNDING—could not touch bottom with the lead line. -We must be over some ocean. - -REMARKS: - -Services. Ham spilled the collection plate.—I wonder what is keeping -that raven?—Guess I should have sent the old cat. They always come -back.—Wish it would rain. - -MONDAY. SOUNDING—hit ground again—11 cubits. - -REMARKS: - -No raven!—Today is the 500th anniversary of my marriage. These have -been 500 long, long years. That’s quite a while to live with one woman. -It’s our radium anniversary. Did not receive any presents.—By this -time I know all her faults. My, I’ve learned a lot in these years. I’ve -found that Mrs. Noah never makes a mistake, that I am always wrong, and -that everything has always been my fault. It’s funny how these women -have their own way. Grandpa used to say it was just the same when he -was young.—Just to think—everybody who attended our wedding—preacher -and all—have passed away. - -Mrs. Noah dressed in her wedding gown tonight. It has come into style -again. It made me think how crazy I used to be about her. I was a young -skylarker then. She used to sing in the temple choir. Tonight she -reminded me of a few pet names I used to call her. If what she said was -true, I must have been foolish. I had to tell her that I love her more -and more as each century rolls by. - -SATURDAY. Five days later. SOUNDING—9 cubits. - -REMARKS: - -The pigeon left on schedule time. I tied a message to her feet giving -my name and nautical position. She first tacked a bit to starboard, and -then took a crow’s course to land. At 5.32 P.M. she came back -with muddy feet and an olive branch in her mouth. Hurrah! the waters -are evaporating from off the face of the earth.—I don’t care whether -that raven comes back or not. Her egg hatched.—We had fresh olives for -supper.—Bath. COURSE—toward that tree. - -[Illustration] - -THE NEXT SATURDAY. SOUNDING—7 cubits. Everything will soon be -mud. - -REMARKS: - -Let the pigeon have another fly. She has either gone with the raven or -found another tree. Perhaps someone shot her.—My observations show -we are approaching land.—Ham is planning an expedition to find the -pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.—The women folks spent most of -the day answering their steamer letters, and reading guide-books. I’ve -been thinking those Peruvian llamas are going to have a long journey -before they get home.—The purser has sold all the postage stamps. The -postcards are also having a great sale.—Took a bath. - -[Illustration] - -SUNDAY. SOUNDING—5 cubits. - -REMARKS: - -Services.—Have been reading about Ararat. It’s a mountain 16,964 feet -high. Some authors say there is snow on the top. There must be some -mistake because olives don’t grow in snow.—Am not sure of the docking -facilities. Ham thinks it would be easier to stop the Ark in the -harbour instead of at the regular wharf.—I will be relieved when the -cargo pass the quarantine.—Got my money changed by the purser. Now, -I have to think about tips.—The women folks are bothering me about -the time of landing.—Some queer things are happening on the Ark these -days. I see the ladies sewing lace where lace doesn’t belong. Mrs. Noah -wants me to wear her necklace day after tomorrow. She never would let -me do that before.—Slipped two boxes of cigars in Mrs. Noah’s trunk. -No officer will ever think of looking there for them. - -MONDAY. - -REMARKS: - -The ladies are bothering me about the custom regulations, just as -though I hadn’t enough troubles of my own.—Spent the morning packing -and making out my reports.—Gave the captain’s dinner tonight. It was a -swell affair. We all came in our evening robes. Ham drew the menus. We -only saved enough food for tomorrow. I opened some of the wine grandpa -made. Um!! We drank each others’ health all evening. Japheth made a -fine speech in which he congratulated me on the safe passage. He said I -was the greatest captain afloat, and that he would tell all his friends -about the line. Mrs. Shem spoke for the ladies. She thanked me for the -attention I had paid them during the trip. Ham tried to speak, but he -forgot it. He upset the flower dish.—In replying I said the passengers -were the finest who had ever sailed under me. Then I delivered the -regular captain’s address. I thought their expressions might have taken -a tangible form, but I was disappointed. We ended by singing, “For he’s -a jolly good fellow.” That meant me.—Sighted the Ararat lighthouse. - -[Illustration: “_The Captain’s dinner_”] - -TUESDAY. - -REMARKS: - -Passed quarantine at 9.15. At anchor. Ararat just ahead. Fine big -mountain, but very muddy.—Saw the raven and the pigeon roosting on -the olive tree.—We’re all anxious to get ashore. Guess we will feel -the motion of the boat for a few days.—I have decided to retire from -the sea, and go in for real estate. Business will be dull for a while, -but it will pick up in time.—I’m getting along in years to do this -pioneering work, but it must be done. Posterity worries me a great -deal. Why should it? What has posterity ever done for me? - -The animals are making a lot of noise? They smell the green grass.—The -ladies are on deck admiring the rainbow.—We expect to land late this -afternoon.—I must stop writing, and get up on the bridge to whistle -for the pilot. - -Well, if we ever have another flood, I’ll know just what to do. - -LAND. - -[Illustration: _Land_!] - -[Illustration] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Log of the Ark by Noah, by -I. L. (Irwin Leslie) Gordon - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LOG OF THE ARK BY NOAH *** - -***** This file should be named 60630-0.txt or 60630-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/6/3/60630/ - -Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part -of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm -concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark, -and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, unless you receive -specific permission. If you do not charge anything for copies of this -eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may use this eBook -for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative works, reports, -performances and research. They may be modified and printed and given -away--you may do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks -not protected by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the -trademark license, especially commercial redistribution. - -START: FULL LICENSE - -THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE -PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK - -To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work -(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full -Project Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at -www.gutenberg.org/license. - -Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works - -1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all -the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or -destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your -possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a -Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound -by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the -person or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph -1.E.8. - -1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few -things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See -paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this -agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection -of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual -works in the collection are in the public domain in the United -States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the -United States and you are located in the United States, we do not -claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing, -displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as -all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope -that you will support the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting -free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm -works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the -Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with the work. You can easily -comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the -same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg-tm License when -you share it without charge with others. - -1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are -in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, -check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this -agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, -distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any -other Project Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no -representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any -country outside the United States. - -1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and - most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no - restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it - under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this - eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the - United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you - are located before using this ebook. - -1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is -derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not -contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the -copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in -the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are -redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply -either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or -obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted -with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution -must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any -additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works -posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the -beginning of this work. - -1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm -License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this -work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. - -1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg-tm License. - -1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including -any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access -to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format -other than "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official -version posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site -(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense -to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means -of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original "Plain -Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include the -full Project Gutenberg-tm License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works -provided that - -* You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - -* You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg-tm - works. - -* You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - -* You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. - -1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and The -Project Gutenberg Trademark LLC, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm -trademark. Contact the Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. - -1.F. - -1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project -Gutenberg-tm collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may -contain "Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate -or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other -intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or -other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or -cannot be read by your equipment. - -1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal -fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT -LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE -PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE -TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE -LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR -INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH -DAMAGE. - -1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium -with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you -with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in -lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person -or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second -opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If -the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing -without further opportunities to fix the problem. - -1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO -OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT -LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of -damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement -violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the -agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or -limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or -unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the -remaining provisions. - -1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in -accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the -production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm -electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, -including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of -the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this -or any Project Gutenberg-tm work, (b) alteration, modification, or -additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any -Defect you cause. - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm - -Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of -computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It -exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations -from people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will -remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure -and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future -generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see -Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at -www.gutenberg.org - - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the -state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal -Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification -number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by -U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is in Fairbanks, Alaska, with the -mailing address: PO Box 750175, Fairbanks, AK 99775, but its -volunteers and employees are scattered throughout numerous -locations. Its business office is located at 809 North 1500 West, Salt -Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up to -date contact information can be found at the Foundation's web site and -official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation - -Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations -where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular -state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make -any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from -outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other -ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To -donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works. - -Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project -Gutenberg-tm concept of a library of electronic works that could be -freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and -distributed Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of -volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in -the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - |