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Gilmore Simms + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Confession, by W. Gilmore Simms + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Confession + +Author: W. Gilmore Simms + + +Release Date: July, 2004 [EBook #6059] +This file was first posted on October 30, 2002 +Last Updated: March 16, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSION *** + + + + +Text file produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + CONFESSION + </h1> + <h4> + or, + </h4> + <h1> + THE BLIND HEART + </h1> + <h3> + A Domestic Story + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By W. Gilmore Simms + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Wagner. But of the world--the heart, the mind of man, + How happy could we know! + + Faust. What can we know? + Who dares bestow the infant his true name? + The few who felt and knew, but blindly gave + Their knowledge to the multitude—they fell! + Incapable to keep their full hearts in, + They, from the first of immemorial time, + Were crucified or burnt. + Goethe's Faust, MS. Version. +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. — CONFESSION, OR THE BLIND + HEART. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. — BOY PASSIONS—A + PROFESSION CHOSEN. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. — ADMITTED AMONG THE LAWYERS + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. — “SHE STILL SOOTHED THE MOCK + OF OTHERS.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. — DEBUT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. — DENIAL AND DEFEAT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. — TEMPTATION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. — LOVE FINDS NO SMOOTH WATER + IN THE SEA OF LAW </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER IX. — DUELLO. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER X. — HEAD WINDS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0011"> CHAPTER XI. — CRISIS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0012"> CHAPTER XII. — “GONE TO BE MARRIED.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0013"> CHAPTER XIII. — BAFFLED FURY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0014"> CHAPTER XIV. — ONE DEBT PAID. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0015"> CHAPTER XV. — HONEYMOON PERIOD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0016"> CHAPTER XVI. — THE HAPPY SEASON. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0017"> CHAPTER XVII. — THE EVIL PRINCIPLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0018"> CHAPTER XVIII. — PRESENTIMENTS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0019"> CHAPTER XIX. — DISTRUST. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0020"> CHAPTER XX. — PROGRESS OF THE EVIL SPIRIT. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0021"> CHAPTER XXI. — CHANGES OF HOME. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0022"> CHAPTER XXII. — SELF-HUMILIATION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0023"> CHAPTER XXIII. — PROGRESS OF PASSION. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0024"> CHAPTER XXIV. — A GROUP. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0025"> CHAPTER XXV. — THE OLD GOOSE FINDS A YOUNG + GANDER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0026"> CHAPTER XXXVI. — THE HEART-FIEND FINDS AN + ECHO FROM THE FIEND WITHOUT. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0027"> CHAPTER XXVII. — KINGSLEY. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0028"> CHAPTER XXVIII. — MORALS OF ENTERPRISE. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0029"> CHAPTER XXIX. — THE HELL. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0030"> CHAPTER XXX. — FALSE LUCK. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0031"> CHAPTER XXXI. — HOW THE GAME WAS PLAYED + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0032"> CHAPTER XXXII. — SUDDEN LESSON AND NEW + SUSPICIONS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0033"> CHAPTER XXXIII. — STILL THE CLOUD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0034"> CHAPTER XXXIV. — A FATHER'S GRIEFS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0035"> CHAPTER XXXV. — APPLICATION OF “THE + QUESTION.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0036"> CHAPTER XXXVI. — MEDITATED EXILE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0037"> CHAPTER XXXVII. — “AND STILL THE BITTER IN + THE CUP OF JOY.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0038"> CHAPTER XXXVIII. — RENEWED AGONIES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0039"> CHAPTER XXXIX. — THE NEW HOME. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0040"> CHAPTER XL. — THE BLACK DOG ONCE MORE UPON + THE SCENE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0041"> CHAPTER XLI. — TRIAL—THE WOMAN GROWS + STRONG. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0042"> CHAPTER XLII. — CROSS PURPOSES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0043"> CHAPTER XLIII. — ACCIDENT AND MORE AGONIES. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0044"> CHAPTER XLIV. — THE DAMNING LETTER. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0045"> CHAPTER XLV. — VERGE OF THE PRECIPICE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0046"> CHAPTER XLVI. — THE UNBRIDLED MADNESS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0047"> CHAPTER XLVII. — FATAL SILENCE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0048"> CHAPTER XLVIII. — TOO LATE! </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0049"> CHAPTER XLIX. — SUICIDE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0050"> CHAPTER L. — CONFESSION OF EDGERTON. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0051"> CHAPTER LI. — DOUBTS—SUMMONS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0052"> CHAPTER LII. — DEATH. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0053"> CHAPTER LIII. — REVELATION—THE LETTER + OF JULIA. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. — CONFESSION, OR THE BLIND HEART. + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Who dares bestow the infant his true name? + The few who felt and knew, but blindly gave + Their knowledge to the multitude—they fell + Incapable to keep their full hearts in, + They, from the first of immemorial time, + Were crucified or burnt.”—Goethe's “Faust.” + </pre> + <p> + The pains and penalties of folly are not necessarily death. They were in + old times, perhaps, according to the text, and he who kept not to himself + the secrets of his silly heart was surely crucified or burnt. Though + lacking in penalties extreme like these, the present is not without its + own. All times, indeed, have their penalties for folly, much more + certainly than for crime; and this fact furnishes one of the most human + arguments in favor of the doctrine of rewards and punishments in the + future state. But these penalties are not always mortifications and trials + of the flesh. There are punishments of the soul; the spirit; the + sensibilities; the intellect—which are most usually the consequences + of one's own folly. There is a perversity of mood which is the worst of + all such penalties. There are tortures which the foolish heart equally + inflicts and endures. The passions riot on their own nature; and, feeding + as they do upon that bosom from which they spring, and in which they + flourish, may, not inaptly, be likened to that unnatural brood which gnaws + into the heart of the mother-bird, and sustains its existence at the + expense of hers. Meetly governed from the beginning, they are dutiful + agents that bless themselves in their own obedience; but, pampered to + excess, they are tyrants that never do justice, until at last, when they + fitly conclude the work of destruction by their own. + </p> + <p> + The narrative which follows is intended to illustrate these opinions. It + is the story of a blind heart—nay, of blind hearts—blind + through their own perversity—blind to their own interests—their + own joys, hopes, and proper sources of delight. In narrating my own + fortunes, I depict theirs; and the old leaven of wilfulness, which belongs + to our nature, has, in greater or less degree, a place in every human + bosom. + </p> + <p> + I was the only one surviving of several sons. My parents died while I was + yet an infant. I never knew them. I was left to the doubtful charge of + relatives, who might as well have been strangers; and, from their + treatment, I learned to doubt and to distrust among the first fatal + lessons of my youth. I felt myself unloved—nay, as I fancied, + disliked and despised. I was not merely an orphan. I was poor, and was + felt as burdensome by those connections whom a dread of public opinion, + rather than a sense of duty and affection, persuaded to take me to their + homes. Here, then, when little more than three years old, I found myself—a + lonely brat, whom servants might flout at pleasure, and whom superiors + only regarded with a frown. I was just old enough to remember that I had + once experienced very different treatment. I had felt the caresses of a + fond mother—I had heard the cheering accents of a generous and a + gentle father. The one had soothed my griefs and encouraged my hopes—the + other had stimulated my energies and prompted my desires. Let no one fancy + that, because I was a child, these lessons were premature. All education, + to be valuable, must begin with the child's first efforts at + discrimination. Suddenly, both of these fond parents disappeared, and I + was just young enough to wonder why. + </p> + <p> + The change in my fortunes first touched my sensibilities, which it finally + excited until they became diseased. Neglected if not scorned, I habitually + looked to encounter nothing but neglect or scorn. The sure result of this + condition of mind was a look and feeling, on my part, of habitual + defiance. I grew up with the mood of one who goes forth with a moral + certainty that he must meet and provide against an enemy. But I am now + premature. + </p> + <p> + The uncle and aunt with whom I found shelter were what is called in + ordinary parlance, very good people. They attended the most popular church + with most popular punctuality. They prayed with unction—subscribed + to all the charities which had publicity and a fashionable list to + recommend them—helped to send missionaries to Calcutta, Bombay, + Owyhee, and other outlandish regions—paid their debts when they + became due with commendable readiness—and were, in all out-of-door + respects, the very sort of people who might congratulate themselves, and + thank God that they were very far superior to their neighbors. My uncle + had morning prayers at home, and my aunt thumbed Hannah More in the + evening; though it must be admitted that the former could not always + forbear, coming from church on the sabbath, to inquire into the last news + of the Liverpool cotton market, and my aunt never failed, when they + reached home, on the same blessed day, to make the house ring with another + sort of eloquence than that to which she had listened with such + sanctimonious devotion from the lips of the preacher. There were some + other little offsets against the perfectly evangelical character of their + religion. One of these—the first that attracted my infant + consideration—was naturally one which more directly concerned + myself. I soon discovered that, while I was sent to an ordinary charity + school of the country, in threadbare breeches, made of the meanest + material—their own son—a gentle and good, but puny boy, whom + their indulgence injured, and, perhaps, finally destroyed—was + despatched to a fashionable institution which taught all sorts of ologies—dressed + in such choice broadcloth and costly habiliments, as to make him an object + of envy and even odium among all his less fortunate school-fellows. + </p> + <p> + Poor little Edgar! His own good heart and correct natural understanding + showed him the equal folly of that treatment to which he was subjected, + and the injustice and unkindness which distinguished mine. He strove to + make amends, so far as I was concerned, for the error of his parents. He + was my playmate whenever he was permitted, but even this permission was + qualified by some remark, some direction or counsel, from one or other of + his parents, which was intended to let him know, and make me feel, that + there was a monstrous difference between us. + </p> + <p> + The servants discovered this difference as quickly as did the objects of + it; and though we were precisely of one age, and I was rather the largest + of the two, yet, in addressing us, they paid him the deference which + should only be shown to superior age, and treated me with the contumely + only due to inferior merit. It was “Master Edgar,” when he was spoken to—and + “you,” when I was the object of attention. + </p> + <p> + I do not speak of these things as of substantial evils affecting my + condition. Perhaps, in one or more respects, they were benefits. They + taught me humility in the first place, and made that humility + independence, by showing me that the lesson was bestowed in wantonness, + and not with the purpose of improvement. And, in proportion as my physical + nature suffered their neglect, it acquired strength by the very roughening + to which that neglect exposed it. In this I possessed a vast advantage + over my little companion. His frame, naturally feeble, sunk under the + oppressive tenderness to which the constant care of a vain father, a + doting mother, and sycophantic friends and servants, subjected it. The + attrition of boy with boy, in the half-manly sports of schoolboy life—its + very strifes and scuffles—would have brought his blood into adequate + circulation, and hardened his bones, and given elasticity to his sinews. + But from all these influences, he was carefully preserved and protected. + He was not allowed to run, for fear of being too much heated. He could not + jump, lest he might break a blood-vessel. In the ball play he might get an + eye knocked out; and even tops and marbles were forbidden, lest he should + soil his hands and wear out the knees of his green breeches. If he + indulged in these sports it was only by stealth, and at the fearful cost + of a falsehood on every such occasion. When will parents learn that + entirely to crush and keep down the proper nature of the young, is to + produce inevitable perversity, and stimulate the boyish ingenuity to + crime? + </p> + <p> + With me the case was very different. If cuffing and kicking could have + killed, I should have died many sudden and severe deaths in the rough + school to which I was sent. If eyes were likely to be lost in the campus, + corded balls of India-rubber, or still harder ones of wood, impelled by + shinny (goff) sticks, would have obliterated all of mine though they had + been numerous as those of Argus. My limbs and eyes escaped all injury; my + frame grew tall and vigorous in consequence of neglect, even as the + forest-tree, left to the conflict of all the winds of heaven; while my + poor little friend, Edgar, grew daily more and more diminutive, just as + some plant, which nursing and tendance within doors deprive of the + wholesome sunshine and generous breezes of the sky. The paleness of his + cheek increased, the languor of his frame, the meagerness of his form, the + inability of his nature! He was pining rapidly away, in spite of that + excessive care, which, perhaps, had been in the first instance, the + unhappy source of all his feebleness. + </p> + <p> + He died—and I became an object of greater dislike than ever to his + parents. They could not but contrast my strength, with his feebleness—my + improvement with his decline—and when they remembered how little had + been their regard for me and how much for him—without ascribing the + difference of result to the true cause—they repined at the ways of + Providence, and threw upon me the reproach of it. They gave me less heed + and fewer smiles than ever. If I improved at school, it was well, perhaps; + but they never inquired, and I could not help fancying that it was with a + positive expression of vexation, that my aunt heard, on one occasion, from + my teacher, in the presence of some guests, that I was likely to be an + honor to the family. + </p> + <p> + “An honor to the family, indeed!” This was the clear expression in that + Christian lady's eyes, as I saw them sink immediately after in a scornful + examination of my rugged frame and coarse garments. + </p> + <p> + The family had its own sources of honor, was the calm opinion of both my + patrons, as they turned their eyes upon their only remaining child—a + little girl about five years old, who was playing around them on the + carpet. This opinion was also mine, even then: and my eyes followed theirs + in the same direction. Julia Clifford was one of the sweetest little + fairies in the world. Tender-hearted, and just, and generous, like the + dear little brother, whom she had only known to lose, she was yet as + playful as a kitten. I was twice her age—just ten—at this + period; and a sort of instinct led me to adopt the little creature, in + place of poor Edgar, in the friendship of my boyish heart. I drew her in + her little wagon—carried her over the brooklet—constructed her + tiny playthings—and in consideration of my usefulness, in most + generally keeping her in the best of humors, her mother was not unwilling + that I should be her frequent playmate. Nay, at such times she could spare + a gentle word even to me, as one throws a bone to the dog, who has jumped + a pole, or plunged into the water, or worried some other dog, for his + amusement. At no other period did my worthy aunt vouchsafe me such + unlooked-for consideration. + </p> + <p> + But Julia Clifford was not my only friend. I had made another shortly + before the death of Edgar; though, passingly it may be said, + friendship-making was no easy business with a nature such as mine had now + become. The inevitable result of such treatment as that to which my early + years had been subjected, was fully realized. I was suspicious to the last + degree of all new faces—jealous of the regards of the old; devoting + myself where my affections were set and requiring devotion—rigid, + exclusive devotion—from their object in return. There was a terrible + earnestness in all my moods which made my very love a thing to be feared. + I was no trifler—I could not suffer to be trifled with—and the + ordinary friendships of man or boy can not long endure the exactions of + such a disposition. The penalties are usually thought to be—and are—infinitely + beyond the rewards and benefits. + </p> + <p> + My intimacies with William Edgerton were first formed under circumstances + which, of all others, are most likely to establish them on a firm basis in + our days of boyhood. He came to my rescue one evening, when, returning + from school, I was beset by three other boys, who had resolved on drubbing + me. My haughty deportment had vexed their self-esteem, and, as the same + cause had left me with few sympathies, it was taken for granted that the + unfairness of their assault would provoke no censure. They were mistaken. + In the moment of my greatest difficulty, William Edgerton dashed in among + them. My exigency rendered his assistance a very singular benefit. My nose + was already broken—one of my eyes sealed up for a week's holyday; + and I was suffering from small annoyances, of hip, heart, leg, and thigh, + occasioned by the repeated cuffs, and the reckless kicks, which I was + momently receiving from three points of the compass. It is true that my + enemies had their hurts to complain of also; but the odds were too greatly + against me for any conduct or strength of mine to neutralize or overcome; + and it was only by Edgerton's interposition that I was saved from utter + defeat and much worse usage. The beating I had already suffered. I was + sore from head to foot for a week after; and my only consolation was that + my enemies left the ground in a condition, if anything, something worse + than my own. + </p> + <p> + But I had gained a friend, and that was a sweet recompense, sweeter to me, + by far, than it is found or felt by schoolboys usually. None could know or + comprehend the force of my attachment—my dependence upon the + attachment of which I felt assured!—none but those who, with an + earnest, impetuous nature like my own—doomed to denial from the + first, and treated with injustice and unkindness—has felt the pang + of a worse privation from the beginning;—the privation of that + sustenance, which is the “very be all and end all” of its desire and its + life—and the denial of which chills and repels its fervor—throws + it back in despondency upon itself—fills it with suspicion, and + racks it with a never-ceasing conflict between its apprehension and its + hopes. + </p> + <p> + Edgerton supplied a vacuum which my bosom had long felt. He was, however, + very unlike, in most respects, to myself. He was rather phlegmatic than + ardent—slow in his fancies, and shy in his associations from very + fastidiousness. He was too much governed by nice tastes, to be an active + or performing youth; and too much restrained by them also, to be a popular + one. This, perhaps, was the secret influence which brought us together. A + mutual sense of isolation—no matter from what cause—awakened + the sympathies between us. Our ties were formed, on my part, simply + because I was assured that I should have no rival; and on his, possibly, + because he perceived in my haughty reserve of character, a sufficient + security that his fastidious sensibilities would not be likely to suffer + outrage at my hands. In every other respect our moods and tempers were + utterly unlike. I thought him dull, very frequently, when he was only + balancing between jealous and sensitive tastes;—and ignorant of the + actual, when, in fact, his ignorance simply arose from the decided + preference which he gave to the foreign and abstract. He was contemplative—an + idealist; I was impetuous and devoted to the real and living world around + me, in which I was disposed to mingle with an eagerness which might have + been fatal; but for that restraint to which my own distrust of all things + and persons habitually subjected me. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. — BOY PASSIONS—A PROFESSION CHOSEN. + </h2> + <p> + Between William Edgerton and Julia Clifford my young life and best + affections were divided, entirely, if not equally. I lived for no other—I + cared to seek, to know, no other—and yet I often shrunk from both. + Even at that boyish period, while the heavier cares and the more painful + vexations of life were wanting to our annoyance, I had those of that + gnawing nature which seemed to be born of the tree whose evil growth + “brought death into the world and all our wo.” The pang of a nameless + jealousy—a sleepless distrust—rose unbidden to my heart at + seasons, when, in truth, there was no obvious cause. When Julia was most + gentle—when William was most generous—even then, I had learned + to repulse them with an indifference which I did not feel—a rudeness + which brought to my heart a pain even greater than that which my + wantonness inflicted upon theirs. I knew, even then, that I was perverse, + unjust; and that there was a littleness in the vexatious mood in which I + indulged, that was unjust to my own feelings, and unbecoming in a manly + nature. But even though I felt all this, as thoroughly as I could ever + feel it under any situation, I still could not succeed in overcoming tha' + insane will which drove me to its indulgence. + </p> + <p> + Vainly have I striven to account for the blindness of heart—for such + it is, in all such cases—which possessed me. Was there anything in + my secret nature, born at my birth and growing with my growth—which + impelled me to this willfulness. I can scarcely believe so; but, after + serious reflection, am compelled to think that it was the strict result of + moods growing out of the particular treatment to which I had been + subjected. It does not seem unnatural that an ardent temper of mind, + willing to confide, looking to love and affection for the only aliment + which it most and chiefly desires, and repelled in this search, frowned on + by its superiors as if it were something base, will, in time, grow to be + habitually wilful, even as the treatment which has schooled it. Had I been + governed and guided by justice, I am sure that I should never have been + unjust. + </p> + <p> + My waywardness in childhood did not often amount to rudeness, and never, I + may safely say, where Julia was concerned. In her case, it was simply the + exercise of a sullenness that repelled her approaches, even as its own + approaches had been repelled by others. At such periods I went apart, + communing, sternly with myself, refusing the sympathy that I most yearned + after, and resolving not to be comforted. Let me do the dear child the + justice to say that the only effect which this conduct had upon her, was + to increase her anxieties to soothe the repulsive spirit which should have + offended her. Perhaps, to provoke this anxiety in one it loves, is the + chief desire of such a spirit. It loves to behold the persevering + devotion, which it yet perversely toils to discourage. It smiles within, + with a bitter triumph, as it contemplates its own power, to impart the + same sorrow which a similar perversity has already made it feel. + </p> + <p> + But, without seeking further to analyze and account for such a spirit, it + is quite sufficient if I have described it. Perhaps, there are other + hearts equally froward and wayward with my own. I know not if my story + will amend—perhaps it may not even instruct or inform them—I + feel that no story, however truthful, could have disarmed the humor of + that particular mood of mind which shows itself in the blindness of the + heart under which it was my lot to labor. I did not want knowledge of my + own perversity. I knew—I felt it—as clearly as if I had seen + it written in characters of light, on the walls of my chamber. But, until + it had exhausted itself and passed away by its own processes, no effort of + mine could have overcome or banished it. I stalked apart, under its + influence, a gloomy savage—scornful and sad—stern, yet + suffering—denying myself equally, in the perverse and wanton denial + to which I condemned all others. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps something of this temper is derived from the yearnings of the + mental nature. It may belong somewhat to the natural direction of a mind + having a decided tendency to imaginative pursuits. There is a dim, vague, + indefinite struggle, for ever going on in the nature of such a person, + after an existence and relations very foreign to the world in which it + lives; and equally far from, and hostile to that condition in which it + thrives. The vague discontent of such a mind is one of the causes of its + activity; and how far it may be stimulated into diseased intensity by + injudicious treatment, is a question of large importance for the + consideration of philosophers. The imaginative nature is one singularly + sensitive in its conditions; quick, jealous, watchful, earnest, stirring, + and perpetually breaking down the ordinary barriers of the actual, in its + struggles to ascertain the extent of the possible. The tyranny which + drives it from the ordinary resources and enjoyments of the young, by + throwing it more completely on its own, impels into desperate activity + that daring of the imaginative mood, which, at no time, is wanting in + courage and audacity. My mind was one singularly imaginative in its + structure; and my ardent temperament contributed largely to its activity. + Solitude, into which I was forced by the repulsive and unkind treatment of + my relatives, was also favorable to the exercise of this influence; and my + heart may be said to have taken, in turn, every color and aspect which + informed my eyes. It was a blind heart for this very reason, in respect to + all those things for which it should have had a color of its own. Books + and the woods—the voice of waters and of song—the dim + mysteries of poetry, and the whispers of lonely forest-walks, which + beguiled me into myself, and more remotely from my fellows, were all, so + far as my social relations were concerned, evil influences! Influences + which were only in part overcome by the communion of such gentle beings as + William Edgerton and Julia Clifford. + </p> + <p> + With these friends, and these only, I grew up. As my years advanced, my + intimacy with the former increased, and with the latter diminished. But + this diminution of intimacy did not lessen the kindness of her feelings, + or the ordinary devotedness of mine. She was still—when the + perversity of heart made me not blind—the sweet creature to whom the + task of ministering was a pleasure infinitely beyond any other which I + knew. But, as she grew up to girlhood, other prospects opened upon her + eyes, and other purposes upon those of her parents. At twelve she was + carried by maternal vanity into company—sent to the dancing school—provided + with teachers in music and painting, and made to understand—so far + as the actions, looks, and words of all around could teach—that she + was the cynosure of all eyes, to whom the whole world was bound in + deference. + </p> + <p> + Fortunately, in the case of Julia, the usual effects of maternal folly and + indiscretion did not ensue. Nature interposed to protect her, and saved + her in spite of them all. She was still the meek, modest child, solicitous + of the happiness of all around her—unobtrusive, unassuming—kind + to her inferiors, respectful to superiors, and courteous to, and + considerate of all other persons. Her advancing years, which rendered + these new acquisitions and accomplishments desirable, if not necessary, at + the same time prompted her foolish mother to another step which betrayed + the humiliating regard which she entertained for me. When I was seventeen, + Julia was twelve, and when neither she nor myself had a solitary thought + of love, the over considerate mother began to think, on this subject, for + us both. The result of her cogitations determined her that it was no + longer fitting that Julia should be my companion. Our rambles in the woods + together were forbidden; and Julia was gravely informed that I was a poor + youth, though her cousin—an orphan whom her father's charity + supported, and whom the public charity schooled. The poor child artlessly + told me all this, in a vain effort to procure from me an explanation of + the mystery (which her mother had either failed or neglected to explain) + by which such circumstances were made to account for the new commands + which had been given her. Well might she, in her simplicity of heart, + wonder why it was, that because I was poor, she should be familiar with me + no longer. + </p> + <p> + The circumstance opened my eyes to the fact that Julia was a tall girl, + growing fast, already in her teens, and likely, under the rapidly-maturing + influence of our summer sun, to be soon a woman. But just then—just + when she first tasked me to solve the mystery of her mother's strange + requisitions, I did not think of this. I was too much filled with + indignation—the mortified self-esteem was too actively working in my + bosom to suffer me to think of anything but the indignity with which I was + treated. A brief portion of the dialogue between the child and my self, + will give some glimpses of the blind heart by which I was afflicted. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you do not understand it, Julia. You do not know, then, that you are + the daughter of a rich merchant—the only daughter—that you + have servants to wait on you, and a carriage at command—that you can + wear fine silks, and have all things that money can buy, and a rich man's + daughter desire. You don't know these things, Julia, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, Edward, I hear you say so now, and I hear mamma often say the same + things; but still I don't see—” + </p> + <p> + “You don't see why that should make a difference between yourself and your + poor cousin, eh? Well, but it does; and though you don't see it now, yet + it will not be very long before you will see, and understand it, and act + upon it, too, as promptly as the wisest among them. Don't you know that I + am the object of your father's charity—that his bounty feeds me—and + that it would not be seemly that the world should behold me on a familiar + footing of equality or intimacy with the daughter of my benefactor—my + patron—without whom I should probably starve, or be a common beggar + upon the highway?” + </p> + <p> + “But father would not suffer that, Edward.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no! no!—he would not suffer it, Julia, simply because his own + pride and name would feel the shame and disgrace of such a thing. But + though he would keep me from beggary and the highway, Julia, neither he + nor your mother would spend a sixpence or make an effort to save my + feelings from pain and misery. They protect me from the scorn of others, + but they use me for their own.” + </p> + <p> + The girl hung her head in silence. + </p> + <p> + “And you, too,” I added—“the time will come when you too, Julia, + will shrink as promptly as themselves from being seen with your poor + relation. You—” + </p> + <p> + “No! no! Edward—how can you think of such a thing?” she replied with + girlish chiding. + </p> + <p> + “Think it!—I know it! The time will soon be here. But—obey + your mother, Julia. Go! leave me now. Begin, once the lesson which, before + many days, you will find it very easy to learn.” + </p> + <p> + This was all very manly, so I fancied at the time; and then blind with the + perverse heart which boiled within me, I felt not the wantonness of my + mood, and heeded not the bitter pain which I occasioned to her gentle + bosom. Her little hand grasped mine, her warm tears fell upon it; but I + flung away from her grasp, and left her to those childish meditations + which I had made sufficiently mournful. + </p> + <p> + Subsequent reflection, while it showed me the brutality of my conduct to + Julia, opened my eyes to the true meaning of her mother's interdiction; + and increased the pang of those bitter feelings, which my conscious + dependence had awakened in my breast, it was necessary that this + dependence should be lessened; that, as I was now approaching manhood, I + should cast about for the future, and adopt wisely and at once the means + of my support hereafter. It was necessary that I should begin the business + of life. On this head I had already reflected somewhat, and my thoughts + had taken their direction from more than one conference which I had had + with William Edgerton. His father was an eminent lawyer, and the law had + been adopted for his profession also. I determined to make it mine; and to + speak on this subject to my uncle. This I did. I chose an afternoon, the + very week in which my conversation had taken place with Julia, and, while + the dinner things were undergoing removal, with some formality requested a + private interview with him. He looked round at me with a raised brow of + inquiry—nodded his head—and shortly after rose from the table. + My aunt stared with an air of supercilious wonder; while poor Julia, timid + and trembling, barely ventured to give me a single look, which said—and + that was enough for me—“I wish I dared say more.” + </p> + <p> + My conference with my uncle was not of long duration. I told him it was my + purpose—my desire—to begin as soon as possible to do something + for myself. His answer signified that such was his opinion also. So far we + were agreed; but when I told him that it was my wish to study the law, he + answered with sufficient, and as I thought, scornful abruptness:— + </p> + <p> + “The law, indeed! What puts the law into your head? What preparations have + you made to study the law? You know nothing of languages which every + lawyer should know—Latin—” + </p> + <p> + I interrupted him to say that I had some slight knowledge of Latin—sufficient, + I fancied, for all legal purposes. + </p> + <p> + “Ah! indeed! where did you get it?” + </p> + <p> + “A friend lent me a grammar and dictionary, and I studied myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you are ambitious; but you deceive yourself. You were never made for + a lawyer. Besides, how are you to live while prosecuting your studies? No, + no! I have been thinking of something for you, Edward—and, just now, + it happens fortunately that old Squire Farmer, the bricklayer, wants some + apprentices—” + </p> + <p> + I could scarcely listen thus far. + </p> + <p> + “I thank you, sir, but I have no disposition to be a bricklayer.” + </p> + <p> + “You must do something for yourself. You can not expect to eat the bread + of idleness. I have done, and will do for you what I can—whatever is + necessary;—but I have my own family to provide for. I can not rob my + own child—-” + </p> + <p> + “Nor do I expect it, Mr. Clifford,” I replied hastily, and with some + indignation. “It is my wish, sir, to draw as little as possible from your + income and resources. I would not rob Julia Clifford of a single dollar. + Nay, sir, I trust before many years to be able to refund you every copper + which has been spent upon me from the moment I entered your household.” + </p> + <p> + He said hastily:— + </p> + <p> + “I wish nothing of that, Edward;—but the law is a study of years, + and is expensive and unpromising in every respect. Your clothes already + call for a considerable sum, and such a profession requires, more than + almost any other, that a student should be well dressed.” + </p> + <p> + “I promise you, sir, that my dress shall be such as shall not trespass + upon your income. I shall be governed by as much economy—” + </p> + <p> + He interrupted me to say, that + </p> + <p> + “His duty required that his brother's son should be dressed as well as his + associates.” + </p> + <p> + I replied, with tolerable composure:— + </p> + <p> + “I do not think, sir, that bricklaying will admit of very genteel + clothing, nor do I think that the vocation will suit me. I have flattered + myself, sir, that my talents—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you have talents, then, have you? Well, it is fortunate that the + discovery has been made in season.” + </p> + <p> + I bore with this, though my cheek was burning, and said—with an + effort to preserve my voice and temper, in which, though the difficulty + was great, I was tolerably successful— + </p> + <p> + “You have misunderstood me in some things, Mr. Clifford; and I will try + now to explain myself clearly in others. Having resolved, sir, that the + law shall be my profession—-” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! resolved, say you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, go on—go on!” + </p> + <p> + “Having resolved to pursue the study of law, and seeing that I am + burdensome and expensive to you—believing, too, that I can relieve + you of the burden—I have simply requested permission of you to make + the attempt.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, how do you propose to do so?—how can you support yourself—that + is relieve me of the burden of your expenses—and study the law at + the same time?” + </p> + <p> + “Such things have been done, sir; and can be done again. I flatter myself + I can do it. Industry will enable me to do so. I propose to apply for a + clerkship in a mercantile establishment which I know stands in need of + assistance, and while there will pursue my studies in such intervals of + leisure as the business will afford me.” + </p> + <p> + “You seem to have the matter ready cut and dry. Why do you come to me, + then? Remember, I can make no advances.” + </p> + <p> + “I need none, sir. My simple object with you, sir, was to declare my + intention, and to request that I may be permitted to refer to you the + merchants to whom I mean to apply, for a knowledge of my character and + attainments.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, certainly, you may—for the character;—but as to the + attainments”—with a sneering smile—“of them I can say nothing, + and, perhaps, the less said the better. I've no doubt you'll do well + enough with the merchants. It does not need much genius or attainment for + such situations. But, if you'll take my counsel, you'll go to the + bricklayer. We want bricklayers sadly. To be a tolerable lawyer, parts are + necessary; and God knows the country is over-stocked with hosts of lawyers + already, whose only parts lie in their impudence. Better think a little + while longer. Speak to old Farmer yourself.” + </p> + <p> + I smiled bitterly—thanked him for his counsel, which was only a + studied form of insult, and turned away from him without further speech, + and with a proud swelling of indignation at my heart. Thus our conference + ended. A week after, I was ensconced behind the counter of a wholesale + dealer, and my hands at night were already busy in turning over the heavy + folios of Chitty and Blackstone. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. — ADMITTED AMONG THE LAWYERS + </h2> + <p> + Behold me, then, merchandising by day, and conning by night the intricate + mysteries of law. Books for the latter purpose were furnished by my old + friend, William Edgerton, from his father's library. He himself was a + student, beginning about the same time with myself; though with the + superior privilege of devoting himself exclusively to this study. But if + he had more time, I was more indefatigable. My pride was roused, and + emulation soon enabled me to supply the want of leisure. My nights were + surrendered, almost wholly, to my new pursuit. I toiled with all the + earnestness which distinguished my temperament, stimulated to a yet higher + degree by those feelings of pride and pique, which were resolved to + convince my skeptical uncle that I was not entirely without those talents, + the assertion of which had so promptly provoked his sneer. Besides, I had + already learned that no such scheme as mine could be successfully + prosecuted, unless by a stern resolution; and this implied the constant + presence of a close, undeviating method in my studies. I tasked myself + accordingly to read—understandingly, if possible—so many pages + every night, making my notes, queries, doubts, &c., EN PASSANT. In + order to do this, I prescribed to myself a rule, to pass directly from the + toils of the day and the store to my chamber, suffering no stoppage by the + way, and studiously denying myself the dangerous fascinations of that + society which was everywhere at command, in the persons of young men about + my own age and condition. The intensity of my character, and the + suspiciousness which it induced, helped me in this determination. Perhaps, + there is no greater danger to a young man's habits of study and business, + than a chat at the street corner, with a merry and thoughtless group. A + single half hour consumed in this manner, is almost always fatal to the + remaining hours of the day. It breaks into the circle, and impairs the + method without which the passage of the sun becomes a very weary and + always an unprofitable progress. If you would be a student or anything, + you must plunge headlong into it at the beginning—bury yourself in + your business, and work your way out of your toils, by sheer, dogged + industry. + </p> + <p> + My labors were so far successful that I could prosecute my studies with + independence. I had left the dwelling of my uncle the moment I took + employment in the mercantile house. My salary, though small, was ample; + with my habits, it was particularly so. I had few of those vices in which + young men are apt to indulge, and which, when they become habits, cease + unhappily to be regarded as vices. I used tobacco in no shape, and no + ardent spirits. I needed no stimulants, and, by the way, true industry + never does. It is only indolence that needs drink; and indolence does need + it; and the sooner drunkenness kills indolence by the use of drink, the + better for society. The only objection to liquors as an agent for ridding + the community of a nuisance, is, that it is rather too slow, and too + offensive in its detailed operations; arsenic would be far less offensive, + more summary, and is far more certain. You would seek vainly to cure + drunkenness, unless you first cure the idleness which is its root and + strength, and, while they last, its permanent support. But my object is + not homily. + </p> + <p> + If I was free from vices such as these, however, I had vices of my own, + which were only less odious as they were less obvious. That vexing, + self-tormenting spirit of which I have spoken as the evil genius that + dogged my footsteps—that moral perverseness which I have described + as the “blind heart”—still afflicted me, though in a far less degree + now than when I was the inmate of my uncle's dwelling, and exposed to all + the caprices of himself, his wife and servants. I kept on good terms with + my employers, for the very natural reason that they saw me attend to my + business and theirs, with a hearty cheerfulness that went to work promptly + in whatever was to be done, and executed its tasks with steady fortitude, + neatness, and rapidity. But, even with them, I had my sulks—my + humors—my stubborn fits of sullenness, that seemed anxious to + provoke opposition, and awaken wrath. These, however, they considerately + forgave in consideration of my real usefulness: and as they perceived that + whatever might have been the unpleasantness occasioned by these specimens + of spleen, they were never suffered to interfere with or retard the + operations of business. “It's an ugly way he's got,” was, probably, the + utmost extent of what either of the partners said, and of what is commonly + said on such occasions by most persons, who do not care to trouble + themselves with a too close inquiry. + </p> + <p> + Well, at twenty-one, William Edgerton and myself were admitted to the + practice of the law, and that too with considerable credit to ourselves. I + had long since been carried by my friend into his family circle; and Mr. + Edgerton, his father, had been pleased to distinguish me with sundry + attentions, which were only grateful to me in consequence of the unusual + deference with which his manner evinced his regard. His gentle inquiries + and persuasive suggestions beguiled me into more freedom of speech than I + had ever before been accustomed to; and his judicious management of my + troubled spirit, for a time, stifled its contradictions, and suppressed + its habitual tendencies. But it was with some jealousy, and an erectness + of manner which was surely ungracious, though, perhaps, not offensive, + that I endured and replied to his inquiries into my personal condition, my + resources, and the nature of that dependence which I bore to the family of + my uncle. When he learned—which he did not from me—in what + manner I had pursued my studies—after what toils of the day, and at + what late hours of the night—when he found from a close private + examination, which he had given me, before my admission, that my knowledge + of the law was quite as good as the greater number of those who apply for + admission—he was pleased to express his astonishment at my + perseverance, and delight at my success. When, too, in addition to this, + he discovered, upon a minute inquiry from my employers and others, that I + was abstemious, and indulged in no excesses of any kind, his interest in + me increased, as I thought, who had been accustomed to nothing of the + sort, beyond all reasonable measure-and I soon had occasion to perceive + that it was no idle curiosity that prompted his consideration and inquiry. + </p> + <p> + Without my knowledge, he paid a visit to my uncle. This gentleman, I may + be permitted here to say, had been quite as much surprised as anybody + else, at my determined prosecution of my studies in spite of the + difficulties by which I was surrounded. That I was pursuing them, while in + the mercantile establishment to which I had gone, he did not believe; and + very frequently when I was at his house—for I visited the family, + and sometimes, though unfrequently, dined with them on a sabbath—he + jeered me on my progress—the “wonderful progress,” as he was pleased + to term it—which he felt sure I was making with my Coke and + Blackstone, while baling blankets, or bundling up plains and kerseys. This + I bore patiently, sustained as I was by the proud, indomitable spirit + within me, which assured me of the ultimate triumph which I felt positive + would ensue. I enjoyed his surprise—a surprise that looked something + like consternation—when the very day of my admission to the bar, and + after that event, I encountered him in the street, and in answer to his + usual sarcastic inquiry:— + </p> + <p> + “Well, Edward, how does the law come on? How is Sir William Blackstone, + Sir Edward Coke, and the rest of the white heads?” + </p> + <p> + I simply put the parchment into his hands which declared my formal + introduction to those venerable gentry. + </p> + <p> + “Why, you don't mean? Is it possible? So you really are admitted—a + lawyer, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “You see, sir—and that, too, without any Greek.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, and what good is it to do you? To have a profession, Edward, is one + thing; to get business, another!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir—but I take it, the profession must be had first. One step + is gained. That much is sure. The other, I trust, will follow in due + season.” + </p> + <p> + “True, but I still think that the bricklayer would make the more money.” + </p> + <p> + “Were money-making, sir, the only object of life, perhaps, then, that + would be the most desirable business; but—” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I forgot—the talents, the talents are to be considered.” + </p> + <p> + And after the utterance of this sneer, our dialogue as may be supposed, + did not much longer continue. + </p> + <p> + I did not know of the contemplated visit of Mr. Edgerton to my worthy + uncle, nor of its purpose, or I should, most assuredly, have put my veto + upon the measure with all the tenacity of a resentful spirit; but this + gentleman, who was a man of nice sensibility as well as strong good sense, + readily comprehended a portion of my secret history from what was known to + him. He easily conceived that my uncle was somewhat of a niggard from the + manner in which I had employed myself during my preparation for the bar. + He thought, however, that my uncle, though unwilling to expend money in + the prosecution of a scheme which he did not approve—now that the + scheme was so far successful as to afford every promise of a reasonable + harvest, could not do less than come forward to the assistance of one who + had shown such a determined disposition to assist himself. + </p> + <p> + He was mistaken. He little knew the man. His interview with my uncle was a + short one. The parties were already acquainted, though not intimately. + They knew each other as persons of standing in the same community, and + this made the opening of Mr. Edgerton's business easy. I state the tenor + of the interview as it came to my knowledge afterward. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Clifford,” he said, “you have a nephew—a young gentleman, who + has been recently admitted to the bar—Mr. Edward Clifford.” + </p> + <p> + The reply, with a look of wonder was necessarily affirmative. + </p> + <p> + “I have had much pleasure,” continued the other, “in knowing him for some + time. He is an intimate of my eldest son, and from what has met my eyes, + sir, I should say, you are fortunate in having a nephew of so much + promise.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes, sir, I believe he is a clever youth enough,” was the costive + answer. + </p> + <p> + “He is more than that, sir. I regard him, indeed, as a most astonishing + young man. The very manner in which he has pursued his studies while + engaged in the harassing labors of a large wholesale business house of + this city—alone establishes this fact.” + </p> + <p> + The cheeks of my uncle reddened. The last sentence of Mr. Edgerton was + unfortunate for his object. It conveyed a tacit reproof, which the + niggardly conscience of Mr. Clifford readily appropriated and, perhaps, + anticipated. He dreaded lest Mr. Edgerton knew all. + </p> + <p> + “You are probably aware, Mr. Edgcrton,” he replied with equal hesitancy + and haste—“you have heard that Edward Clifford is an orphan—that + he has nothing, and it was therefore necessary that he should learn to + employ himself; though it was against my wish, sir, that he went into a + mercantile house.” + </p> + <p> + There was something suppressed in this—a mean evasion—for he + could not easily have told Mr. Edgcrton, without a blush, that, instead of + the mercantile establishment, he would have made me a bricklayer's hodman. + But this, it seems, Edgerton had found out for himself. His reply, + however, was calculated to soothe the jealous apprehensions of Mr. + Clifford. He had an object in view, which he thought too important to risk + for the small pleasure of a passing sarcasm. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps, it has happened for the best, Mr. Clifford. You were right in + requiring the young man to do for himself. Were I worth millions, sir, I + should still prefer that my son should learn that lesson—that he + should work out his own deliverance with the sweat of his own brow.” + </p> + <p> + “I agree with you, sir, perfectly,” replied the other, with increased + complacency. “A boy learns to value his money as he should, only when he + has earned it for himself.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! it is not for this object simply,” replied Mr. Edgerton, “that I + would have him acquire habits of industry; it is for the moral results + which such habits produce—the firmness, character, consistency—the + strength and independence—temperance, justice—all of which + arise, and almost only, from obedience to this law. But it is clear that + one can not do everything by himself, and this young man, though he has + gone on in a manner that might shame the best of us, is still not so + thoroughly independent as he fancies himself. It will be some time before + he will be able to realize anything from his profession, and he will need + some small assistance in the meantime.” + </p> + <p> + “I can not help him,” exclaimed Mr. Clifford, abruptly—“I have not + the means to spare. My own family need everything that I can give. He has + himself only to blame. He chose his profession for himself. I warned him + against it. He needn't send to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not mistake me, Mr. Clifford,” said Mr. Edgerton, calmly. “Your nephew + knows nothing of my present visit. I would be loath that he should know. + It was the singular independence of his mind that led me to the + conviction, that he would sooner die than ask assistance from anybody, + that persuaded me to suggest to you in what manner you might afford him an + almost necessary help, without offending his sensibility.” + </p> + <p> + “Humph!” exclaimed the other, while a sneer mantled upon his lips. “You + are very considerate, Mr. Edgerton; but the same sensibilities might + prompt him to reject the assistance when tendered.” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir,” replied Edgerton, mildly—“I think I could manage that.” + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry, sir, that I can not second your wishes in any material + respect,” was the answer of my uncle;—“but I will see Edward, and + let him know that my house is open to him as it was from, the time he was + four years old; and he shall have a seat at my table until he can + establish himself more to his satisfaction; but money, sir, in truth, I + have not a cent to spare. My own necessities—” + </p> + <p> + “Enough, sir,” said Mr. Edgerton, mildly; “I take it for granted, Mr. + Clifford, that if you could contribute to the success of your brother's + son, you certainly would neither refuse nor refrain to do so.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, surely—certainly not,” replied the other, hastily. “Anything + that I could do—anything in reason, sir, I should be very happy to + do, but—” + </p> + <p> + And then followed the usual rigmarole about “his own family,” and “hard + times,” and “diminished resources,” and all those stereotype commonplaces + which are for ever on the lips of stereotype insincere people. Mr. + Clifford did not perceive the dry and somewhat scornful innuendo, which + lay at the bottom of Mr. Edgerton's seemingly innocent assumption; and the + latter took his leave, vexed with himself at having made the unsuccessful + application—but still more angry with the meanness of character + which he had encountered in my uncle. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. — “SHE STILL SOOTHED THE MOCK OF OTHERS.” + </h2> + <p> + It is not improbable that, after a few hours given to calm reflection, my + uncle perceived how obnoxious he might be made to public censure for his + narrow treatment of my claims; and the next day he sent for me in order to + tender me the freedom of his house—a tender which he had made the + day before to Mr. Edgerton in my behalf. But his offer had been already + anticipated by that excellent friend that very day. Coming warm and fresh + from his interview with my uncle, he called upon me, and in a very plain, + direct, business-like, but yet kind and considerate manner, informed me + that he stood very much in need of an assistant who would prepare his + papers—did me the honor to say that he fancied I would suit him + better than anybody else he knew, and offered me six hundred dollars for + my labors in that capacity for the first year of my service. My engagement + to him, he said at the same time, did not imply such entire employment as + would incapacitate me for the execution of any business which might be + intrusted to my hands individually. I was permitted the use of a desk in + his office, and was also permitted to hang out my own banner from his + window I readily persuaded myself that I could be of service to Mr. + Edgerton—such service as would, perhaps, leave my obligation a light + one—and promptly acceded to his offer. He had scarcely departed when + a servant brought a note from Mr. Clifford. Even while meditating what he + fancied was a favor, he could not forbear the usual sneer. The following + was his communication: + </p> + <p> + “DEAR EDWARD: If you can spare a moment from your numerous clients, and + are not in a great hurry to make your deposites, you will suffer me to see + you at the office before two o'clock. Yours affectionately, J. B. + CLIFFORD.” + </p> + <p> + “Very affectionately!”! exclaimed. It might be nothing more than a + pleasantry which he intended by the offensive passages in his note; but + the whole tenor of his character and conduct forbade this conviction. + </p> + <p> + “No! no!” I muttered to myself, as the doubt suggested itself to my mind; + “no! no! it is the old insolence—the insolence of pride, of + conscious wealth—of power, as he thinks, to crush! But he is + mistaken. He shall find defiance. Let him but repeat those sarcasms and + that sneer which are but too frequent on his lips when he speaks to me, + and I will answer him, for the first time, by a narration which shall + sting him to the very soul, if he has one!” + </p> + <p> + This resolution was scarcely made when the image of Julia Clifford—the + sweet child—a child now no longer-the sweet woman—interposed, + and my temper was subdued of its resolve, though its bitterness remained + unqualified. + </p> + <p> + And what of Julia Clifford? I have said but little of her for some time + past, but she has not been forgotten. Far from it. She was still + sufficiently the attraction that drew me to the dwelling of my selfish + uncle. In the three years that I had been at the mercantile establishment, + her progress, in mind and person, had been equally ravishing and rapid. + She was no more the child, but the blooming girl—the delicate + blossom swelling to the bud—the bud bursting into the flower—but + the bloom, and the beauty, and the innocence—the rich tenderness, + and the dewy sweet, still remained the same through all the stages of her + progress from the infant to the woman. Wealth, and the arrogant example of + those about her, had failed to change the naturally true and pure + simplicity of her character. She was not to be beguiled by the one, nor + misguided by the other, from the exquisite heart which was still worthy of + Eden. When I was admitted to the bar at twenty-one, she was sixteen—the + age in our southern country when a maiden looks her loveliest. But I had + scarcely felt the changes in the last three years which had been going on + in her. I beheld beauties added to beauties, charms to charms; and she + seemed every day to be the possessor of fresh graces newly dropped from + heaven; but there was no change. Increased perfection does not imply + change, nor does it suffer it. + </p> + <p> + It was my custom, as the condescending wish of my uncle expressed, that I + should take my Sunday dinner with his family. I complied with this + request, and it was no hard matter to do so. But it was a sense of + delight, not of duty, that made me comply; and, but for Julia, I feel + certain that I should never have darkened the doors, which opened to admit + me only through a sense of duty. But the attraction—scarcely known + to myself—drew me with singular punctuality; and I associated the + privilege which had been accorded me with another. I escorted the ladies + to church; sometimes, too, when the business of my employers permitted, I + spent an evening during the week with the family; and beholding Julia I + was not over-anxious to perceive the indifference with which I was treated + by all others. + </p> + <p> + But let me retrace my steps. I subdued my choler so far as to go, with a + tolerable appearance of calmness if not humility, to the interview which + my uncle had been pleased to solicit. I need not repeat in detail what + passed between us. It amounted simply to a supercilious offer, on his + part, of lodging and board, until I should be sufficiently independent to + open the oyster for myself. I thanked him with respect and civility, but, + to his surprise, declined to accept his offer. + </p> + <p> + “Why, what do you propose to do?” he demanded. + </p> + <p> + “Do what I have been doing for the three past years; work for myself, and + pay my board from the proceeds of my own labor.” + </p> + <p> + “What, you go back to the merchants, do you? You are wiser than I thought. + The law would not give you your bread here for twenty years in this city.” + </p> + <p> + “You are mistaken, uncle,” I said, good humoredly—“it is from the + law that I propose to get my bread.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!—You are even more sanguine than I thought you. But, pray, + upon what do you base your expectations?—the talents, I suppose.” + </p> + <p> + I felt the rankling of this well-known and offensive sneer, but replied + simply to the point:— + </p> + <p> + “No, sir, upon assurances which you will probably think far more worthy of + respect. I have already been employed by Mr. Edgerton as an attorney, at a + salary of six hundred dollars.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, indeed! Well, you are a fortunate fellow, I must say, to get such a + helping hand at the outset. But you may want some small amount to begin + with—you can not draw upon Mr. Edgerton before services are + rendered, and if fifty or a hundred dollars, Edward—” + </p> + <p> + “I thank you, sir;—so far from wanting money, I should be almost + able to lend some. I have saved some two hundred from my mercantile + salary.” + </p> + <p> + I enjoyed the ghastly grin which rose to his features. It was evident that + he was not pleased that I should be independent. He had set out with the + conviction, when my father died, that my support and education would + devolve upon him, and though they did not, yet it was plain enough to me + that he was not unwilling that such should be the impression of the + community. I had disarmed him entirely by the simplest process, and, + mortified at being disappointed, he was disposed to hate the youth who had + baffled him. It was the strangest thing in the world that such should be + the feeling of any man, and that, too, in reference to so near a relation; + but the case is nevertheless true. I saw it in his looks that moment—I + felt it in his accents. I KNEW that such was the real feeling in his soul. + There are motives which grow from vanities, piques, rivalries, and the + miserable ostentations of a small spirit, which act more terribly upon the + passions of man, than even the desire of gain or the love of woman. The + heart of Mr. Clifford, was, after its particular fashion, a blind heart, + like my own. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I am glad you are so well off. You will dine with us on Sunday, I + suppose?” + </p> + <p> + My affirmative was a matter of course; and, on Sunday, the evident + gratification of Julia when she saw me, amply atoned for all her father's + asperities and injustice. She had heard of my success—and though in + a sneer from the lips of her father it was not the less productive of an + evident delight to her. She met me with the expression of this delight + upon all her features. + </p> + <p> + “I am so glad, so very glad, and so surprised, too, Cousin Edward, at your + success. And yet you kept it all to yourself. You might have told ME, at + least, that you were studying law. Why was it that I was never allowed to + know of your intention?” + </p> + <p> + “Your father knew it, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, so he says now. He says you told him something about it when you + first went into a store; but he did not think you in earnest.” + </p> + <p> + “Not in earnest! He little knew me, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “But your telling him, Edward, was not telling me. Why did you not tell + me?” + </p> + <p> + “You might not have kept my secret, Julia. You know what naughty things + are said of your sex, touching your inability to keep a secret.” + </p> + <p> + “Naughty things, indeed—naughty and untrue! I'm sure, I should have + kept your secret, if you desired it. But why should it be a secret?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, indeed!” I muttered, as the shadow of my perverseness passed deeply + over my heart. “Why, unless to protect myself from the sneers which would + stifle my ambition, and the sarcasm which would have stung my heart.” + </p> + <p> + “But you have no fear of these from me, Cousin Edward,” she said gently, + and with dewy eyes, while her fingers slightly pressed upon my wrist. + </p> + <p> + “I know not that, Cousin Julia, I somehow suspect everything and everybody + now. I feel very lonely in the world—as if there was a destiny at + work to make my whole life one long conflict, which I must carry on + without sympathy or succor.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, these are only notions, Edward.” + </p> + <p> + “Notions!” I exclaimed, giving her a bitter smile as I spoke, while my + thoughts reverted to the three years of unremitting and almost uncheered + labor through which I had passed. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, notions only, Cousin Edward. You are full of such notions. You every + now and then start up with a new one; and it makes you gloomy and + discontented—” + </p> + <p> + “I make no complaints, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “No, that is the worst of it. You make no complaints, I think, because you + do not wish to be cured of them. You prefer nursing your supposed cause of + grief, with a sort of solitary pleasure—the gratification of a + haughty spirit, that is too proud to seek for solace, and to find it.” + </p> + <p> + Julia had in truth touched upon the true nature of my misanthropy—of + that self vexing and self-torturing spirit which too effectually blinds + the heart. + </p> + <p> + “But could I find it, Julia?” I asked, looking into her eyes with an + expression which I began to feel was something very new to mine. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps—I think—you could,” was the half-tremulous answer, as + she beheld the peculiar expression of my glance. The entrance of Mrs. + Clifford, was, perhaps, for the first time, rather a relief to us both. + </p> + <p> + “And so you are a lawyer, Edward? Well, who would have thought of it? It + must be a very easy thing to be made a lawyer.” + </p> + <p> + Julia looked at me with eyes that reddened with vexation. I felt my gorge + rising; but when I reflected upon the ignorance, and the unworthy nature + of the speaker, I overcame the disposition to retort, and smilingly + replied:— + </p> + <p> + “It's not such hard work as bricklaying, certainly.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” she answered, “if it were only half so profitable. But Mr. Clifford + says that a lawyer now is only another name for a beggar—a sort of + genteel beggar. The town's overrun with them—half of them live upon + their friends.” + </p> + <p> + “I trust I shall not add to the number of this class, Mrs. Clifford.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no! I know YOU never will, Cousin Edward,” exclaimed Julia, with a + flush upon her cheeks at her own temerity. + </p> + <p> + “Really, Julia,” said her mother, “you are very confident. How do you know + anything about it?” + </p> + <p> + The sharp glances of rebuke which accompanied this speech daunted the + damsel for a moment, and her eyes were suddenly cast in confusion upon the + ground; but she raised them with boldness a moment after, as she replied:— + </p> + <p> + “We have every assurance, mother, for what I say, in the fact that Cousin + Edward has been supporting himself at another business, while actually + pursuing the study of law for these three years; and that very pride about + which father spoke today, is another assurance—” + </p> + <p> + “Bless my stars, child, you have grown very pert on a sudden, to talk + about guaranties and assurances, just as if you was a lawyer yourself. The + next thing we hear, I suppose, will be that instead of being busy over the + 'Seven Champions' and the last fashions, you, too, will be turning over + the leaves of big law-books, and carrying on such studies in secret to + surprise a body, as if there was any merit or good in doing such things + secretly.” + </p> + <p> + Julia felt that she had only made bad worse, and she hung her head in + silence. For my part, though I suppressed my choler, the pang was only the + more keenly felt for the effort to hide it. In my secret soul, I asked, + “Will the day never come when I, too, will be able to strike and sting?” I + blushed an instant after, at the small and mean appetite for revenge that + such an inquiry implied. But I came to the support of Julia. + </p> + <p> + “Let me say, Mrs. Clifford, that I think—nay, I know—that + Julia is right in her conjecture. The guaranty which I have given to my + friends, by the pride and industry which I have shown, should be + sufficient to convince them what my conduct shall be hereafter. I know + that I shall never trespass upon their feelings or their pockets. They + shall neither blush for nor lose by their relationship with Edward + Clifford.” + </p> + <p> + “Well said! well spoken! with good emphasis and proper action. Forrest + himself could scarce have done it better!” + </p> + <p> + Such was the exclamation of Mr. Clifford, who entered the room at this + moment. His mock applause was accompanied by a clamorous clapping of his + hands. I felt my cheeks burn, and my blood boil. The truth is, I was not + free from the consciousness that I had suffered some of the grandiloquent + to appear in my manner while speaking the sentence which had provoked the + ridicule of my uncle. The sarcasm acquired increase of sting in + consequence of its being partially well-merited. I replied with some + little show of temper, which the imploring glances of Julia did not + altogether persuade me to suppress. The “blind heart” was growing stronger + within me, from the increasing conviction of my own independence. In this + sort of mimic warfare the day passed off as usual. I attended the family + to church in the afternoon, took tea, and spent the evening with them—content + to suffer the “stings and arrows”—however outrageous, of my + exemplary and Christian aunt and uncle, if permitted to enjoy the presence + and occasional smiles of the true angel, whose influence could still + temper my feelings into a humane and patient toleration of influences + which they yet burned to trample under foot. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. — DEBUT. + </h2> + <p> + A brief interval now passed over, after my connection begun with Mr. + Edgerton, in which time the world went on with me more smoothly, perhaps, + than ever. My patron—for so this gentleman deserves to be called—was + as indulgent as I could wish. He soon discerned the weaknesses in my + character, and with the judgment of an old practitioner, he knew how to + subdue and soften, without seeming to perceive them. I need not say that I + was as diligent and industrious, and not less studious, while in his + employ, than I had been in that of my mercantile acquaintance. The entire + toils of the desk soon fell upon my shoulders, and I acquired the + reputation among my small circle of acquaintance, of being a very good + attorney for a young beginner. It is true, I was greatly helped by the + continued perusal of an admirable collection of old precedents, which a + long period of extensive practice had accumulated in the collection of my + friend. But to be an attorney, simply, was not the bound of my ambition. I + fancied that the forum was, before all others, my true field of exertion. + The ardency of my temper, the fluency of my speech, the promptness of my + thought, and the warmth of my imagination, all conspired in impressing on + me the belief that I was particularly fitted for the arena of public + disputation. This, I may add, was the opinion of Mr. Edgerton also; and I + soon sought an occasion for the display of my powers. + </p> + <p> + It was the custom at our bar—and a custom full of danger—for + young beginners to take their cases from the criminal docket. Their + “'prentice han',” was usually exercised on some wretch from the stews, + just as the young surgeon is permitted to hack the carcass of a tenant of + the “Paupers' Field,” the better to prepare him for practice on living and + more worthy victims. Was there a rascal so notoriously given over to the + gallows that no hope could possibly be entertained of his extrication from + the toils of the evidence, and the deliberations of a jury, he was + considered fair game for the young lawyers, who, on such cases, gathered + about him with all the ghostly and keen propensities of vultures about the + body of the horse cast out upon the commons. + </p> + <p> + The custom was evil, and is now, I believe, abandoned. It led to much + irreverence among thoughtless young men—to an equal disregard of + that solemnity which should naturally attach to the court of justice, and + to the life of the prisoner arraigned before it. A thoughtless levity too + frequently filled the mind of the young lawyer and his hearers, when it + was known that the poor wretch on trial was simply regarded as an agent, + through whose miserable necessity, the beginner was to try his strength + and show his skill in the art of speech-making. It was my fortune, acting + rather in compliance with the custom than my own preference, to select one + of these victims and occasions for my debut. I could have done otherwise. + Mr. Edgerton freely tendered to me any one of several cases of his own, on + the civil docket, in which to make my appearance; but I was unwilling to + try my hand upon a case in which the penalty of ill success might be a + serious loss to my friend's client, and might operate to the injury of his + business; and, another reason for my preference was to be found—though + not expressed by me—in the secret belief which I entertained that I + was peculiarly gifted with the art of appealing to the passions, and the + sensibilities of my audience. + </p> + <p> + Having made my determination, I proceeded to prepare myself by a due + consideration of the case at large; the history of the transaction, which + involved the life of my client—(the allegation was for murder)—and + of the testimony of the witnesses so far as it had been suggested in the + EXPARTE examination before the grand jury. I reviewed the several leading + principles on the subject of the crime; its character, the sort of + evidence essential to conviction, and certainly, to do myself all justice, + as effectually prepared myself for the duties of the trial as probably any + young man of the time and community was likely to have done. The case, I + need not add, was hopelessly against me; the testimony conclusive; and I + had nothing to do but to weigh its character with keen examination, pick + out and expose its defects and inconsistencies, and suggest as plausible a + presumption in favor of the accused, as could be reasonably made out from + the possibilities and doubts by which all human occurrences are + necessarily attended. Something, too, might be done by judicious appeals + to the principle of mercy, assuming for the jury a discretion on this + subject which, by the way, they have no right to exercise. + </p> + <p> + I was joined in the case by my friend, young Edgerton. So far our boyish + fortunes had run together, and he was not unwilling, though against his + father's counsel, to take the same occasion with me for entering the world + in company. The term began; the case was one of the last on the criminal + docket, and the five days which preceded that assigned for the trial, were + days, I am constrained to confess, of a thrilling and terrible agitation + to my mind. I can scarcely now recall the feelings of that week without + undergoing a partial return of the same painful sensations. My soul was + striving as with itself, and seeking an outlet for escape. I panted, as if + for breath—my tongue was parched—my lips clammy—my + voice, in the language of the poet, clove to the roof of my throat. + Altogether, I have never felt such emotions either before or since. + </p> + <p> + I will not undertake to analyze them, or account for those conflicting + sensations which make us shrink, with something like terror, from the very + object which we desire. At length the day came, and the man; attended by + his father, William Edgerton, and myself, took our places, and stood + prepared for the issue. I looked round me with a dizzy feeling of + uncertainty. Objects appeared to swim and tremble before my sight. My eyes + were of as little service to me then as if they had been gazing to + blindness upon the sun. Everything was confused and imperfect. I could see + that the courthouse was filled to overflowing, and this increased my + feebleness. The case was one that had occasioned considerable excitement + in the community, It was one of no ordinary atrocity. This was a + sufficient reason why the audience should be large. There was yet another. + There were two new debutants. In a community where popular eloquence is, + of all others, perhaps the most desirable talent, this circumstance was + well calculated to bring many listeners. Besides, something was expected + from both Edgerton and myself. We had not reached our present position + without making for ourselves a little circle, in which we had friends to + approve and exult, and enemies to depreciate, and condemn. + </p> + <p> + The proceedings were at length opened by the attorney-general, the + witnesses examined, and turned over to us for cross-examination. This part + of the duty was performed by my associate. The business fairly begun, my + distraction was lessened. My mind, driven to a point, made a decisive + stand; and the sound of Edgerton's voice, as he proposed his questions, + served still more to dissipate my confusion. I furnished him with sundry + questions, and our examination was admitted to be quite searching and + acute. My friend went through his part of the labor with singular + coolness. He was in little or no respect excited. He, perhaps, was + deficient in enthusiasm. If there was no faltering in what he said, there + was no fine phrensy. His remarks and utterance were subdued to the + plainest demands of the subject. They were shrewd and sensible, not + particularly ingenious, nor yet deficient in the proper analysis of the + evidence. He acquitted himself creditably. + </p> + <p> + It was my part to reply to the prosecuting attorney; but when I rose, I + was completely confounded. Never shall I forget the pang of that impotence + which seemed to overspread my frame, and to paralyze every faculty of + thought and speech. I was the victim to my own ardor. A terrible reaction + of mind had taken place, and I was prostrated. The desire to achieve + greatness—the belief that it was expected from me—the + consciousness that hundreds of eyes were then looking into mine with + hungering expectation, overwhelmed me! I felt that I could freely have + yielded myself for burial beneath the floor on which I stood. My cheeks + were burning, yet my hands were cold as ice, and my knees tottered as with + an ague. I strove to speak, however; the eyes of the judge met mine, and + they looked the language of encouragement—of pity. But this + expression only increased my confusion. I stammered out nothing but broken + syllables and incoherent sentences. What I was saying, I know not—how + long I presented this melancholy spectacle of imbecility to the eyes of my + audience, I know not. It may have been a few minutes only. To me it seemed + an age; and I was just endued with a sufficient power of reflection to ask + myself whether I had not better sit down at once in irreversible despair, + when my wandering and hitherto vacant eyes caught a glance-a single glance—of + a face opposite. + </p> + <p> + It was that of my uncle! He was perched on one of the loftiest benches, + conspicuous among the crowd—his eyes keenly fixed upon mine, and his + features actually brightened by a smile of triumphant malice and + exultation. + </p> + <p> + That glance restored me. That single smile brought me strength. I was + timid, and weak, and impotent no longer. Under the presence of habitual + scorn, my habitual pride and independence returned to me. The tremors left + my limbs. The clammy huskiness which had loaded my tongue, and made it + cleave to the roof of my mouth, instantly departed; and my whole mind + returned to my control as if beneath the command of some almighty voice. I + now saw the judge distinctly—I could see the distinct features of + every juryman; and with the pride of my restored consciousness, I retorted + the smile upon my uncle's face with one of contempt, which was not without + its bitterness. + </p> + <p> + Then I spoke, and spoke with an intenseness, a directness of purpose and + aim—a stern deliberateness—a fire and a feeling—which + certainly electrified my hearers with surprise, if with no more elevated + emotions. That one look of hostility had done more for my mind than could + have been effected in my behalf by all the kind looks and encouraging + voices of all the friends in creation. + </p> + <p> + After a brief exordium, containing some general proposition on the subject + of human testimony, which meant no more than to suggest the propriety of + giving to the prisoner the benefit of what was doubtful and obscure in the + testimony which had been taken against him—I proceeded to compare + and contrast its several parts. There were some inconsistencies in the + evidence which enable me to make something of a case. The character of the + witnesses was something more than doubtful and that, too, helped, in a + slight degree, my argument. This was rapid, direct, closely wound + together, and proved—such was the opinion freely expressed by + others, afterward—that I had the capacity for consecutive + arrangement of facts and inferences in a very remarkable degree. I closed + with an appeal in favor of that erring nature, which, even in our own + cases, led us hourly to the commission of sins and errors; and which, + where the individual was poor, wretched, and a stranger, under the evil + influences of destitution, vicious associations, and a lot in life, which, + of necessity, must be low, might well persuade us to look with an eye of + qualified rebuke upon his offences. + </p> + <p> + This was, of course, no argument, and was only to be considered the + natural close of my labors. Before I was half through I saw my uncle rise + from his seat, and hastily leave the court-room; and then I knew that I + was successful—that I had triumphed, through that stimulating + influence of his hate, over my own fears and feebleness. I felt sure that + the speech must be grateful to the rest of my hearers, which HE could not + stay to hear; and in this conviction, the tone of my spirits became + elevated—the thoughts gushed from me like rain, in a natural and + unrestrainable torrent of language—my voice was clear and full, far + more so than I had ever thought it could be made—and my action far + more animated, perhaps, than either good taste or the occasion justified. + The criminal was not acquitted; but both William Edgerton and myself were + judged to have been eminently successful. + </p> + <p> + The result of my debut, in other respects, was flattering far beyond my + expectations. Business poured in upon me. My old employers, the merchants, + were particularly encouraging and friendly. They congratulated me warmly + on my success, assured me that they had always thought I was better + calculated for the law than trade; and ended by putting into my hands all + their accounts that needed a legal agency for collection. Mr. Edgerton was + loud in his approbation, and that very week saw his son and myself united + in co-partnership, with the prospect of an early withdrawal of the father + from business in my favor. Indeed, the latter gave us to understand that + his only purpose now was to see us fairly under way, with a sufficient + knowledge of the practice, and assured of the confident of his own + friends, in order to give his years and enfeebled health a respite from + the toils of the profession. + </p> + <p> + My worthy uncle, true to himself, played a very different part from these + gentlemen. He hung back, forbore all words on the subject of my debut, and + of the promising auspices under which my career was begun, and actually + placed certain matters of legal business into the hands of another lawyer. + Of this, he himself gave me the first information in very nearly this + language:— + </p> + <p> + “I have just had to sue Yardle & Fellows, and a few others, Edward, + and I thought of employing you, but you are young, and there may be some + legal difficulties in the way:—but when you get older, and arrive at + some experience, we will see what can be done for you.” + </p> + <p> + “You are perfectly right, sir,” was my only answer, but the smile upon my + lips said everything. I saw, then, that HE COULD NOT SMILE. He was now + exchanging the feeling of scorn which he formerly entertained for one of a + darker quality. Hate was the necessary feeling which followed the + conviction of his having done me wilful injustice—not to speak of + the duties left undone, which were equally his shame. + </p> + <p> + There were several things to mortify him in my progress. His sagacity as a + man of the world stood rebuked—his conduct as a gentleman—his + blood as a relation, who had not striven for the welfare and good report + of his kin, and who had suffered unworthy prejudices, the result of equal + avarice and arrogance, to operate against him. + </p> + <p> + There is nothing which a base spirit remembers with so much malignant + tenacity as your success in his despite. Even in the small matter just + referred to, the appropriation of his law business, the observant fates + gave me my revenge. By a singular coincidence of events, the very firm + against which he had brought action the day before were clients of Mr. + Edgerton. That gentleman was taken with a serious illness at the approach + of the next court, and the business of their defence devolved upon his son + and myself; and finally, when it was disposed of, which did not happen + till near the close of that year, it so happened that I argued the case; + and was successful. + </p> + <p> + Mr Clifford was baffled, and you may judge the feeling with which he now + regarded me. He had long since ceased to jest with me and at my expense. + He was now very respectful, and I could see that his dislike grew daily in + strict degree with his deference. But the deportment of Mr. Clifford—springing + as it did from that devil, which each man is supposed to carry at times in + his bosom, and of whose presence in mine at seasons I was far from unaware—gave + me less annoyance than that of another of his household. Julia, too, had + put on an aspect which, if not that of coldness, was at least, that of a + very marked reserve. I ascribed this to the influence of her parents—perhaps, + to her own sense of what was due to their obvious desires—to her own + feeling of indifference—to any and every cause but the right one. + </p> + <p> + There were other circumstances to alarm me, in connection with this + maiden. She was, as I have said, singularly beautiful; and, as I thought, + until now, singularly meek and considerate. Her charms, about which there + could be no two opinions, readily secured her numerous admirers, and when + these were strengthened by the supposed fortune of which she was to be the + heiress, the suitors were, some of them, almost as pressing, after the + fashion of the world in which we lived, as those of Penelope. I now no + longer secured her exclusive regard at the evening fireside or in our way + to church. There were gallants on either hand—gay, dashing lads, + with big whiskers, long locks, and smart ratans, upon whom madame, our + lady-mother, looked with far more complacency than upon me. The course of + Julia, herself, was, however, unexceptionable. She was singularly cautious + in her deportment, and, if reserved to me the most jealous scrutiny—after + due reflection—never enabled me to discover that she was more lavish + of her regards to any other. But the discovery of her position led me to + another discovery which the reader will wonder, as I did myself, that I + had not made before. This was the momentous discovery that my heart was + irretrievably lost to her—that I loved her with all the intensity of + a first passion, which, like every other passion in my heart, was + absorbing during its prevalence. I could name my feelings to myself only + when I perceived that such feelings were entertained by others;—only + when I found that the prize, which I desired beyond all others, was likely + to be borne away by strangers, did I know how much it was desirable to + myself. + </p> + <p> + The discovery of this affection instantly produced its natural effects as + well upon my deportment as upon my feelings; and that sleepless spirit of + suspicion and doubt—that true creature and consequence of the + habitual distrust which my treatment from boyhood had instilled into my + mind—at once rose to strength and authority within me, and swayed me + even as the blasts of November sway the bald tops of the slender trees + which the gusts have already denuded of all foliage. The change in Julia's + deportment, of which I have already spoken, increased the febrile fears + and suspicions which filled my soul and overcame my judgment. She too—so + I fancied—had learned to despise and dislike me, under the goading + influences of her father's malice and her mother's silly prejudices. I + jumped to the conclusion instantly, that I was bound to my self to assert + my superiority, my pride and independence, in such a manner, as most + effectually to satisfy all parties that their hate or love was equally a + matter of indifference. + </p> + <p> + You may judge what my behavior was after this. For a time, at least, it + was sufficiently unbecoming. The deportment of Julia grew more reserved + than ever, and her looks more grave. There was a sadness evidently mingled + with this gravity which, amid all the blindness of my heart, I could not + help but see. She became sadder and thinner every day; and there was a + wo-begone listlessness about her looks and movements which began to give + me pain and apprehension. I discovered, too after a while, that some + apprehensions had also crept into the minds of her parents in respect to + her health. Their looks were frequently addressed to her in evident + anxiety. They restrained her exercises, watched the weather when she + proposed to go abroad, strode in every way to keep her from fatigue and + exposure; and, altogether, exhibited a degree of solicitude which at + length had the effect of arousing mine. + </p> + <p> + Involuntarily, I approached her with more tenderness than my vexing spirit + had recently permitted me to show; but I recoiled from the effects of my + own attentions. I was vexed to perceive that my approaches occasioned a + start, a flutter—a shrinking inward—as if my advance had been + obtrusive, and my attempts at familiarity offensive. + </p> + <p> + I was then little schooled in the intricacies of the female heart. I + little conjectured the origin of that seemingly paradoxical movement of + the mind, which, in the case of one, sensitive and exquisitely delicate, + prompts to flight from the very pursuit which it would yet invite; which + dreads to be suspected of the secret which it yet most loves to cherish, + and seeks to protect, by concealment, the feelings which it may not + defend; even as the bird hides the little fledglings of its care from the + hunter, whom it dare not attack. + </p> + <p> + Stupid, and worse than stupid, my blind heart saw nothing of this, and + perverted what it saw. I construed the conduct of Julia into matter of + offence, to be taken in high dudgeon and resolutely resented; and I drew + myself up stiffly when she appeared, and by excess of ceremonious + politeness only, avoided the reproach of brutality. Yet, even at such + moments, I could see that there was a dewy reproach in her eyes, which + should have humbled me, and made me penitent. But the effects of fifteen + years of injudicious management were not to be dissipated in a few days + even by the Ithuriel spells of love. My sense of independence and + self-resource had been stimulated to a diseased excess, until, constantly + on the QUI VIVE, it became dogged and inflexible. It was a work of time to + soften me and make me relent; and the labor then was one of my own secret + thoughts, and unbiased private decision. The attempt to persuade or reason + me into a conviction was sure to be a failure. + </p> + <p> + Months passed in this manner without effecting any serious change in + Julia, or in bringing us a step nearer to one another. Meanwhile, the + sphere of my observation and importance increased, as the circle of my + acquaintance became extended. I was regarded as a rising young man, and + one likely to be successful ultimately in my profession. The social + privileges of my friends, the Edgertons, necessarily became mine; and it + soon occurred that I encountered my uncle and his family in circles in + which it was somewhat a matter of pride with him to be permitted to move. + This, as it increased my importance in his sight, did not diminish his + pains. But he treated me now with constant deference, though with the same + unvarying coldness. When in the presence of others, he warmed a little. I + was then “his nephew;” and he would affect to speak with great familiarity + on the subject of my business, my interests, the last case in which I was + engaged, and so forth—the object of which was to persuade third + persons that our relations were precisely as they should be, and as people + would naturally suppose them. + </p> + <p> + At all these places and periods, when it was my lot to meet with Julia, + she was most usually the belle of the night. A dozen attendants followed + in her train, solicitous of all her smiles, and only studious how to + afford her pleasure. I, only, stood aloof—I, who loved her with a + more intense fervor than all, simply because I had none, or few besides to + love. The heart which has been evermore denied, will always burn with this + intensity. Its passion, once enkindled, will be the all-absorbing flame. + Devoted itself, it exacts the most religious devotion; and, unless it + receives it, recoils upon its own resources, and shrouds itself in gloom, + simply to hide its sufferings from detection. + </p> + <p> + I affected that indifference to the charms of this maiden, which no one of + human sensibilities could have felt. Opinions might have differed in + respect to her beauty; but there could be none on the score of her virtues + and her amiability, and almost as few on the possessions of her mind. + Julia Clifford, though singularly unobtrusive in society, very soon + convinced all around her that she had an excellent understanding, which + study had improved, and grace had adorned by all the most appropriate + modes of cultivation. Her steps were always followed by a crowd—her + seat invariably encircled by a group to itself. I looked on at a distance, + wrapped up in the impenetrable folds of a pride, whose sleeves were + momently plucked, as I watched, by the nervous fingers of jealousy and + suspicion. Sometimes I caught a timid glance of her eye, addressed to the + spot where I stood, full of inquiry, and, as I could not but believe, of + apprehension;—and yet, at such moments; I turned perversely from the + spot, nor suffered myself to steal another look at one, all of whose + triumphs seemed made at my expense. + </p> + <p> + On one of these occasions we met—our eyes and hands, accidentally; + and, though I, myself, could not help starting back with a cold chill at + my heart, I yet fancied there was something monstrous insulting in the + evident recoil of her person from the contact with mine, at the same + moment. I was about to turn hurriedly away with a slight bow of + acknowledgment, when the touching tenderness of her glance, so full of + sweetness and sadness, made me shrink with shame from such a rudeness. + Besides, she was so pale, so thin, and really looked so unwell, that my + conscience, in spite of that blind heart whose perversity would still have + kept me to my first intention, rebuked me, and drove me to my duty. I + approached—I spoke to her—and my words, though few, under the + better impulses of the moment, were gentle and solicitous, as they should + have been. My tones, too, were softened:—wilfully as I still felt, I + could not forbear the exercise of that better ministry of the affections + which was disposed to make amends for previous misconduct. I do not know + exactly what I said—I probably did nothing more than utter the + ordinary phrases of social compliment;—but everything was + obliterated from my mind in an instant, by the startling directness of + what was said by her. Looking at me with a degree of intentness by which, + alone, she was, perhaps, able to preserve her seeming calmness, she + replied by an inquiry as remote from what my observation called for as + possible, yet how applicable to me and my conduct! + </p> + <p> + “Why do you treat me thus, Edward? Why do you neglect me as you do—as + if I were a stranger, or, at least, not a friend? What have I done to + merit this usage from one who—-” + </p> + <p> + She did not finish the sentence, but her reproachful eyes, full of a dewy + suffusion that seemed very much like tears, appeared to conclude it thus— + </p> + <p> + “One who—used to love me!” + </p> + <p> + So different was this speech from any that I looked for—so different + from what the usage of our conventional world would have seemed to justify—so + strange for one so timid, so silent usually on the subject of her own + griefs, as Julia Clifford—that I was absolutely confounded. Where + had she got this courage? By what strong feeling had it been stimulated? + Had I been at that time as well acquainted with the sex as I have grown + since, I must have seen that nothing but a deep interest in my conduct and + regard, could possibly have prompted the spirit of one so gentle and + shrinking, to the utterance of so searching an appeal. And in what way + could I answer it? How could I excuse myself? What say, to justify that + cold, rude indifference to a relative, and one who had ever been gentle + and kind and true to me. I had really nothing to complain of. The vexing + jealousies of my own suspicious heart had alone informed it to its + perversion; and there I stood—dumb, confused, stupid-speaking, when + I did speak, some incoherent, meaningless sentences, which could no more + have been understood by her than they can now be remembered by me. I + recovered myself, however, sufficiently soon to say, before we were + separated by the movements of the crowd:— + </p> + <p> + “I will come to you to-morrow, Julia. Will you suffer me to see you in the + morning, say at twelve?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, come!” was all her answer; and the next moment the harsh accents of + her ever-watchful mother warned us to risk no more. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. — DENIAL AND DEFEAT. + </h2> + <p> + My sleep that night was anything but satisfactory. I had feverish dreams, + unquiet slumbers, and woke at morning with an excruciating headache. I was + in no mood for an explanation such as my promise necessarily implied, but + I prepared my toilet with particular care—spent two hours at my + office in a vain endeavor to divert myself, by a resort to business, from + the conflicting and annoying sensations which afflicted me, and then + proceeded to the dwelling of my uncle. + </p> + <p> + I was fortunate in seeing Julia without the presence of her mother. That + good lady had become too fashionable to suffer herself to be seen at so + early an hour. Her vanity, in this respect, baffled her vigilance, for she + had her own apprehensions on the score of my influence upon her daughter. + Julia was scarcely so composed in the morning as she had appeared on the + preceding night. I was now fully conscious of a flutter in her manner, a + flush upon her face, an ill-suppressed apprehension in her eyes, which + betokened strong emotions actively at work. But my own agitation did not + suffer me to know the full extent of hers. For the first time, on her + appearance, did I ask myself the question—“For what did I seek this + interview?” What had I to say—what near? How explain my conduct—my + coldness? On what imaginary and unsubstantial premises base the neglect in + my deportment, amounting to rudeness, of which she had sufficient reason + and a just right to complain? When I came to review my causes of vexation, + how trivial did they seem. The reserve which had irritated me, on her + part, now that I analyzed its sources, seemed a very natural reserve, such + as was only maidenly and becoming. I now recollected that she was no + longer a child—no longer the lively little fairy whom I could dandle + on my knee and fling upon my shoulder, without a scruple or complaint. I + stood like a trembling culprit in her presence. I was eloquent only + through the force of a stricken conscience. + </p> + <p> + “Julia!” I exclaimed when we met, “I have come to make atonement. I feel + how rude I have been, but that was only because I was very wretched.” + </p> + <p> + “Wretched, Edward!” she exclaimed with some surprise. “What should make + you wretched?” + </p> + <p> + “You—you have made me wretched.” + </p> + <p> + “Me!” Her surprise naturally increased + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you, dear Julia, and you only.” + </p> + <p> + I took her hand in mine. Mine was burning—hers was colder than the + icicles. Need I say more to those who comprehend the mysteries of the + youthful heart. Need I say that the tongue once loosed, and the + declaration of the soul must follow in a rush from the lips. I told her + how much I loved her;—how unhappy it made me to think that others + might bear away the prize; that, in this way, my rudeness arose from my + wretchedness, and my wretchedness only from my love. I did not speak in + vain. She confessed an equal feeling, and we were suffered a brief hour of + unmitigated happiness together. + </p> + <p> + Surely there is no joy like that which the heart feels in the first moment + when it gives utterance to its own, and hears the avowed passion of the + desired object:—a pure flame, the child of sentiment, just blushing + with the hues of passion, just budding with the breath and bloom of life. + No sin has touched the sentiment;—no gross smokes have risen to + involve and obscure the flame; the altar is tended by pure hands; white + spirits; and there is no reptile beneath the fresh blossoming flowers + which are laid thereon. The grosser passions sleep, like the fumes at the + shrine of Apollo, beneath the spell of that master passion in whose + presence they can only maintain a subordinate existence. I loved; I had + told my love;—and I was loved in return. I trembled with the deep + intoxication of that bewildering moment; and how I found my way back to my + office—whom I saw on the way, or to whom I spoke, I know not. I + loved;—I was beloved. He only can conceive the delirium of this + sweet knowledge who has passed a life like mine—who has felt the + frowns and the scorn, and the contempt of those who should have nurtured + him with smiles—whose soul, ardent and sensitive, has been made to + recoil cheerlessly back on itself—denied the sunshine of the + affections, and almost forbade to hope. Suddenly, when I believed myself + most destitute, I had awakened to fortune—to the realization of + desires which were beyond my fondest dreams. I, whom no affection hitherto + had blessed, had, in a moment, acquired that which seemed to me to + comprise all others, and for which all others might have been profitably + thrown away. + </p> + <p> + I fancied now that henceforth my sky was to be without a cloud. I did not—nor + did Julia imagine for a moment that any opposition to our love could arise + from her parents. What reason now could they have to oppose it? There was + no inequality in our social positions. My blood had taken its rise from + the same fountains with her own. In the world's estimation my rank was + quite as respectable as that of any in my uncle's circle, and, for my + condition, my resources, though small, were improving daily, and I had + already attained such a place among my professional brethren, as to leave + it no longer doubtful that it must continue to improve. My income, with + economy—such economy as two simple, single-minded creatures, like + Julia and myself, were willing to employ—would already yield us a + decent support. In short, the idea of my uncle's opposition to the match + never once entered my head. Yet he did oppose it. I was confounded with + his blunt, and almost rugged refusal. + </p> + <p> + “Why, sir, what are your objections?” + </p> + <p> + He answered with sufficient coolness. + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry to refuse you, Edward, but I have already formed other + arrangements for my daughter. I have designed her for another.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, sir—may I ask with whom?” + </p> + <p> + “Young Roberts—his father and myself have had the matter for some + time in deliberation. But do not speak of it, Edward—my confidence + in you, alone, induces me to state this fact.” + </p> + <p> + “I am very much obliged to you, sir;—but you do not surely mean to + force young Roberts upon Julia, if she is unwilling?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, she will not be unwilling. She's a dutiful child, who will readily + recognise the desires of her parents as the truest wisdom.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Mr. Clifford—you forget that Julia has already admitted to me + a preference—” + </p> + <p> + “So you tell me, Edward, and it is with regret that I feel myself + compelled to say that I wholly disapprove of your seeking my daughter's + consent, before you first thought proper to obtain mine. This seems to me + very muck like an abuse of confidence.” + </p> + <p> + “Really, sir, you surprise me more than ever. Now that you force me to + speak, let me say that, regarding myself as of blood scarcely inferior to + that of my cousin, I can not see how the privilege of which I availed + myself in proposing for her hand, can be construed into a breach of + confidence. I trust, sir, that you have not contemplated your brother's + son in any degrading or unbecoming attitude.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, surely not, Edward; but mere equality of birth does not + constitute a just claim, by itself, to the affections of a lady.” + </p> + <p> + “I trust the equality of birth, sir, is not impaired on my part by + misconduct—by a want of industry, capacity—by inequalities in + other respects—” + </p> + <p> + “And talents!” + </p> + <p> + He finished the sentence with the ancient sneer. But I was now a man—a + strong one, and, at this moment particularly a stern one. + </p> + <p> + “Stop, sir,” I retorted; “there must be an end to this. Whether you accede + to my application or not, sir, there is nothing to justify you in an + attempt to goad and mortify my feelings. I have proffered to you a + respectful application for the hand of of your daughter, and though I were + poorer, and humbler, and less worthy in all respects than I am, I should + still be entitled to respectful treatment. At another time, with my + sensibilities less deeply interested than they are, I should probably + submit, as I have already frequently submitted, to the unkind and + ungenerous sarcasms in which you have permitted yourself to indulge at my + expense. But my regard for your daughter alone would prompt me to resent + and repel them now. The object of my interview with you is quite too + sacred—too solemnly invested—to suffer me to stand silently + under the scornful usage even of her father.” + </p> + <p> + All this may have been deserved by Mr. Clifford, but it was scarcely + discreet in me. It gave him the opportunity which, I do not doubt, he + desired—the occasion which he had in view. It afforded him an excuse + for anger, for a regular outbreak between us, which, in some sort, yielded + him that justification for his refusal, without which he would have found + it a very difficult matter to account for or excuse. We parted in mutual + anger, the effect of which was to close his doors against me, and exclude + me from all opportunities of interview with Julia, unless by stealth. Even + then, these opportunities were secured by my artifice, without her + privity. As dutiful as fond, she urged me against them; and, resolute to + “honor her father and mother” in obedience to those holy laws without a + compliance with which there is little hope and no happiness, she informed + me with many tears that she was now forbidden to see me, and would + therefore avoid every premeditated arrangement for our meeting. I did not + do justice to her character, but reproached her with coldness—with a + want of affection, sensibility, and feeling. + </p> + <p> + “Do not say so, Edward—do not—do not! I cold—I + insensible—I wanting in affection for you! How, how can you think + so?” And she threw herself on my bosom and sobbed until I began to fancy + that convulsions would follow. + </p> + <p> + We separated, finally, with assurances of mutual fidelity—assurances + which, I knew, from the exclusiveness of all my feelings, my concentrative + singleness of character, and entire dependence upon the beloved object of + those affections which were now the sole solace of my heart, would not be + difficult for me to keep. But I doubted HER strength—HER resolution—against + the pressing solicitations of parents whom she had never been accustomed + to withstand. But she quieted me with that singular earnestness of look + and manner which had once before impressed me previous to our mutual + explanation. Like vulgar thinkers generally, I was apt to confound + weakness of frame and delicacy of organization with a want of courage and + moral resources of strength and consolation. + </p> + <p> + “Fear nothing for my truth, Edward. Though, in obedience to my parents, I + shall not marry against their will, be sure I shall never marry against my + own.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Julia, you think so, but—” + </p> + <p> + “I know so, Edward. Believe nothing that you hear against me or of me, + which is unfavorable to my fidelity, until you hear it from my own lips.” + </p> + <p> + “But you will meet me again—soon?” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, do not ask it, Edward. We must not meet in this manner. It is not + right. It is criminal.” + </p> + <p> + I had soon another proof of the decisive manner in which my uncle seemed + disposed to carry on the war between us. Erring, like the greater number + of our young men, in their ambitious desire to enter public life + prematurely, I was easily persuaded to become a candidate for the general + assembly. I was now just twenty-five—at a time when young men are + not yet released from the bias of early associations, and the unavoidable + influence of guides, who are generally blind guides. Until thirty, there + are few men who think independently; and, until this habit is acquired—which, + in too many cases, never is acquired—the individual is sadly out of + place in the halls of legislation. It is this premature disposition to + enter into public life, which is the sole origin of the numberless + mistakes and miserable inconsistencies into which our statesmen fall; + which cling to their progress for ever after, preventing their + performances, and baffling them in all their hopes to secure the + confidence of the people. They are broken-down political hacks in the + prime of life, and just at the time when they should be first entering + upon the duties of the public man. Seduced, like the rest, as well by my + own vanity as the suggestions of favoring friends, I permitted my name to + be announced, and engaged actively in the canvass. Perhaps the feverish + state of my mind, in consequence of my relations with Julia Clifford and + her parents, made me more willing to adopt a measure, about which, at any + other time, I should have been singularly slow and cautious. As a man of + proud, reserved, and suspicious temper, I had little or no confidence in + my own strength with the people; and defeat would be more mortifying than + success grateful to a person of my pride. I fancied, however, that popular + life would somewhat subdue the consuming passions which were rioting + within my bosom; and I threw myself into the thick of the struggle with + all the ardor of a sanguine temperament. + </p> + <p> + To my surprise and increased vexation, I found my worthy uncle striving in + every possible way, without actually declaring his purpose, in opposing my + efforts and prospects. It is true he did not utter my name; but he had + formed a complete ticket, in which my name was not; and he was toiling + with all the industry of a thoroughgoing partisan in promoting its + success. The cup which he had commended to my lips was overrunning with + the gall of bitterness. Hostility to me seemed really to have been a sort + of monomania with him from the first. How else was this canton procedure + to be accounted for? how, even with this belief, could it be excused? His + conduct was certainly one of those mysteries of idiosyncracy upon which + the moral philosopher may speculate to doomsday without being a jot the + wiser. + </p> + <p> + If his desire was to baffle me, he was successful. I was defeated, after a + close struggle, by a meagre majority of seven votes in some seventeen + hundred; and the night after the election was declared, he gave a ball in + honor of the successful candidates, in which his house was filled to + overflowing. I passed the dwelling about midnight. Music rang from the + illuminated parlor. The merry dance proceeded. All was life, gayety, and + rich profusion. And Julia! even then she might have been whirling in the + capricious movements of the dance with my happy rival—she as happy—unconscious + of him who glided like some angry spectre beneath her windows, and almost + within hearing of her thoughtless voice. + </p> + <p> + Such were my gloomy thoughts—such the dark and dismal subjects of my + lonely meditations. I did the poor girl wrong. That night she neither sung + nor danced; and when I saw her again, I was shocked at the visible + alteration for the worse which her appearance exhibited She was now grown + thin, almost to meagreness; her cheeks were very wan, her lips whitened, + and her beauty greatly faded in consequence of her suffering health. + </p> + <p> + Yet, will it be believed that, in that interview, though such was her + obvious condition, my perverse spirit found the language of complaint and + suspicion more easy than that of devotion and tenderness. I know that it + would be easy, and feel that it would be natural, to account for and to + excuse this brutality, by a reference to those provocations which I had + received from her father. A warm temper, ardent and glowing, it is very + safe to imagine, must reasonably become soured and perverse by bad + treatment and continual injury. But this for me was no excuse. Julia was a + victim also of the same treatment, and in far greater degree than myself, + as she was far less able to endure it. Mine, however, was the perverseness + of impetuous blood—unrestrained, unchecked—having a fearful + will, an impetuous energy, and, gradually, with success and power, + swelling to the assertion of its own unqualified dominion—the + despotism of the blind heart. + </p> + <p> + Julia bore my reproaches until I was ashamed of them. Her submission stung + me, and I loved then too ardently not to arrive in time at justice, and to + make atonement. Would I had made it sooner! When I had finished all my + reproaches and complainings, she answered all by telling me that the + affair with young Roberts had been just closed, and she hoped finally, by + her unqualified rejection of his suit, even though backed by all her + father's solicitations, complaints, nay, threats and anger. How ungenerous + and unmanly, after this statement had been made, appeared all the bitter + eludings in which I had indulged! I need not say what efforts I made to + atone for my precipitation and injustice; and how easily I found + forgiveness from one who knew not how to harbor unkindness—and if + she even had the feeling in her bosom, entertained it as one entertains + his deadliest foe, and expelled it as soon as its real character was + discovered. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. — TEMPTATION. + </h2> + <p> + Thus stood the affair between my fair cousin and myself—a condition + of things seriously and equally affecting her health and my temper—when + an explosion took place, of a nature calculated to humble my uncle and + myself, if not in equal degree, or to the same attitude, at least to a + most mortifying extent in both cases. I have not stated before—indeed, + it was not until the affair which I am now about to relate had actually + exploded, that I was made acquainted with any of the facts which produced + it—that, prior to my father's death, there had been some large + business connections between himself and my uncle. In those days secret + connections in business, however dangerous they might be in social, and + more than equivocal in moral respects, were considered among the + legitimate practices of tradesmen. What was the particular sort of + relations existing between my father and uncle, I am not now prepared to + state, nor is it absolutely necessary to my narrative. It is enough for me + to say that an exposure of them took place, in part, in consequence of + some discovering made by my father's unsatisfied creditors, by which the + obscure transactions of thirty years were brought to light, or required to + be brought to light; and in the development of which, the fair business + fame of my uncle was likely to be involved in a very serious degree—not + to speak of the inevitable effects upon his resources of a discovery and + proof of fraudulent concealment. The reputation of my father must have + suffered seriously, had it not been generally known that he left nothing—a + fact beyond dispute from the history of my own career, in which neither + goods nor chattels, lands nor money, were suffered to enure to my + advantage. + </p> + <p> + The business was brought to me. The merchant who brought it, and who had + been busy for some years in tracing out the testimony, so far as it could + be procured, gave me to understand that he had determined to place it in + my hands for two reasons: firstly, to enable me to release the memory of + my father from the imputation—under any circumstances discreditable—of + bankruptcy, by compelling my uncle to disgorge the sums which he had + appropriated, and which, as was alleged, would satisfy all my father's + creditors; and, secondly, to give me an opportunity of revenging my own + wrongs upon one, of whose course of conduct toward me the populace had + already seen enough, during the last election, to have a tolerably correct + idea. + </p> + <p> + I examined the papers, thanked my client for his friendly intentions, but + declined taking charge of the case for two other reasons. My relations to + the dead and to the living were either of them sufficient reasons for this + determination. I communicated the grounds of action, in a respectful + letter, to my uncle, and soon discovered, by the alarm which he displayed + in consequence, that the cause of the complaint was in all probability + good. The case belonged to the equity jurisdiction, and the relator soon + filed his bill. + </p> + <p> + My uncle's tribulation may be conjectured from the fact that he called + upon me, and seemed anxious enough to bury the hatchet. He wished me to + take part in the proceedings—insisted, somewhat earnestly, and + strove very hard to impress me with the conviction that my father's memory + demanded that I should devote myself to the task of meeting and + confounding the creditor who thus, as it were, had set to work to rake up + the ashes of the dead; but I answered all this very briefly and very + dryly:— + </p> + <p> + “If my father has participated in this fraud, he has reaped none of its + pleasant fruits. He lived poor, and died poor. The public know that; and + it will be difficult to persuade them, with a due knowledge of these + facts, that he deliberately perpetrated such unprofitable villany. + Besides, sir, you do not seem to remember that, if the claim of Banks, + Tressell, & Sons, is good, it relieves my father's memory of the only + imputation that now lies against it—that of being a bankrupt.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay!” he cried hoarsely, “but it makes me one—me, your uncle.” + </p> + <p> + “And what reason, sir, have I to remember or to heed this relationship?” I + demanded sternly, with a glance beneath which he quailed. + </p> + <p> + “True, true, Edward, your reproach is a just one. I have not been the + friend I should have been; but—let us be friends, now, and hereafter—we + must be friends. Mrs. Clifford is very anxious that it should be so—and—and—Edward,” + solemnly, “you must help me out of this business. You must, by Heaven, you + must—if you would not have me blow my brains out!” + </p> + <p> + The man was giving true utterance to his misery—the fruit of those + pregnant fears which filled his mind. + </p> + <p> + “I would do for you, sir, whatever is proper for me to do, but can not + meddle in this unless you are prepared to make restitution, which I should + judge to be your best course.” + </p> + <p> + “How can you advise me to beggar my child? This claim, if recognised, will + sweep everything. The interest alone is a fortune. I can not think of + allowing it. I would rather die!” + </p> + <p> + “This is mere madness, Mr. Clifford; your death would not lessen the + difficulty. Hear me, sir, and face the matter manfully. You must do + justice. If what I understand be true, you have most unfortunately + suffered yourself to be blinded to the dishonor of the act which you have + committed; you have appropriated wealth which did not belong to you, and, + in thus doing, you have subjected the memory of my father to the reproach + of injustice which he did not deserve. I will not add the reproach which I + might with justice add, that, in thus wronging the father's memory, and + making it cover your own improper gains, you have suffered his son to want + those necessaries of education and sustenance, which—” + </p> + <p> + “Say no more, Edward, and it shall all be amended. Listen to me now; but + stay—close that door for a moment—there!—Now, look you.” + </p> + <p> + And, having taken these precautionary steps, the infatuated man proceeded + to admit the dishonest practices of which he had been guilty. His object + in making the confession, however, was not that he might make reparation. + Far from it. It was rather to save from the clutch of his creditors, from + the grasp of justice, his ill-gotten possessions. I have no patience in + revealing the schemes by which this was to be effected; but, as a + preliminary, I was to be made the proprietor of one half of the sum in + question, and the possessor of his daughter's hand; in return for which I + was simply to share with him in the performance of certain secret acts, + which, without rendering his virtue any more conspicuous, would have most + effectually eradicated all of mine. + </p> + <p> + “I have listened to you, Mr. Clifford, and with great difficulty. I now + distinctly decline your proposals. Not even the bribe, so precious in my + sight, as that which you have tendered in the person of your daughter, has + power to tempt me into hesitation. I will have nothing to do with you in + this matter. Restore the property to your creditors.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Edward, you have not heard;—your share alone will be twenty + odd thousand dollars, without naming the interest!” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Clifford, I am sorry for you. Doubly sorry that you persist in seeing + this thing in an improper light. Even were I disposed to second your + designs, it is scarcely possible, sir, that you could be extricated. The + discovery of those papers, and the extreme probability that Hansford, the + partner of the English firm of Davis, Pierce, & Hansford, is + surviving, and can be found, makes the probabilities strongly against you. + My advice to you, is, that you make a merit of necessity;—that you + endeavor to effect a compromise before the affair has gone too far. The + creditors will make some concessions sooner than trust the uncertainties + of a legal investigation, and whether you lose or gain, a legal + investigation is what you should particularly desire to avoid. If you will + adopt this counsel, I will act for you with Banks & Tressel: and if + you will give me carte blanche, I think I can persuade them to a private + arrangement by which they will receive the principal in liquidation of all + demands. This may be considered a very fair basis for an arrangement, + since the results of the speculation could only accrue from the business + capacities of the speculator, and did not belong to a fund which the + proprietor had resolved not to appropriate, and which must therefore, have + been entirely unproductive. I do not promise you that they will accept, + but it is not improbable. They are men of business—they need, at + this moment, particularly, an active capital; and have had too much + knowledge of the doubts and delays attending a prolonged suit in equity, + not to listen to a proposition which yields them the entire principal of + their claim.” + </p> + <p> + I need not repeat the arguments and entreaties by which I succeeded in + persuading my uncle to accede to the only arrangement which could possibly + have rescued him from the public exposure which was impending; but he did + consent, and, armed with his credentials, I proceeded to the office of + Banks & Tressell, without loss of time. + </p> + <p> + Though resolved, if I could effect the matter, that my uncle should + liquidate their claim to the uttermost farthing which they required, it + was my duty to make the best bargain which I could, in reference to his + unfortunate family. Accordingly, without suffering them to know that I had + carte blanche, I simply communicated to them my wish to have the matter + arranged without public investigation—that I was persuaded from a + hasty review which I had given to the case, that there were good grounds + for action;—but, at the same time, I dwelt upon the casualties of + such a course—the possibility that the chief living witness—if + he were living—might not be found, or might not survive long enough—as + he was reputed to be very old—for the purposes of examination before + the commission;—the long delays which belonged to a litigated suit, + in which the details of a mixed foreign and domestic business of so many + years was to be raked up, reviewed and explained; and the further chances, + in the event of final success, of the property of the debtor being so + covered, concealed, or made away with, as to baffle at last all the + industry and labors of the creditor. + </p> + <p> + The merchants were men of good sense, and estimated the proverb—“a + bird in hand is worth two in the bush”—at its true value. It did not + require much argument to persuade them to receive a sum of over forty + thousand dollars, and give a full discharge to the defendant; and I + flattered myself that the matter was all satisfactorily arranged, and had + just taken a seat at my table to write to Mr. Clifford to this effect, + when, to my horror, I receive a note from that gentleman, informing me of + his resolve to join issue with the claimants, and “maintain his RIGHTS(?) + to the last moment.” He thanked me, in very cold consequential style, for + my “FRIENDLY efforts”—the words italicised, as I have now written + it;—but conduced with informing me that he had taken the opinion of + older counsel, which, though it might be less correct than mine, was, + perhaps, more full of promise for his interests. + </p> + <p> + This note justified me in calling upon the unfortunate gentleman. It is + true I had not committed him to Banks & Tressell—the suggestions + which I had made for the arrangement were all proposed as a something + which I might be able to bring about in a future conference with him—but + I was too anxious to save him from his lamentable folly—from that + miserable love of money, which, overreaching itself in its blindness, as + does every passion—was not only about to deliver him to shame but to + destitution also. + </p> + <p> + I found him in Mrs. Clifford's presence. That simple and silly woman had + evidently been made privy to the whole transaction, so far as my arguments + had been connected with it;—for ALL the truth is not often to be got + out of the man who means or has perpetrated a dishonesty. She had been + alarmed at the immense loss of money, and consequently of importance, with + which the family was threatened; and without looking into, or being able + to comprehend the facts as they stood, she had taken around against any + measure which should involve such a sacrifice. Her influence over the weak + man beside her, was never so clear to me as now; and in learning to + despise his character more than ever, I discovered, at the same time, the + true source of many of his errors and much of his misconduct. She did not + often suffer him to reply for himself—yielded me the ultimatum from + her own lips; and condescended to assure me that she could only ascribe + the advice which I had given to her husband, to the hostile disposition + which I had always entertained for herself and family. That I was “a wolf + in sheep's clothing, SHE had long since been able to see, though all + others unhappily seemed blind.” + </p> + <p> + Here she scowled at her husband, who contented himself with walking to and + fro, playing with his coatskirts, and feeling, no doubt, a portion of the + shame which his miserable bondage to this silly woman necessarily + incurred. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Clifford has got a lawyer who can do for him what it seems you can + not,” was her additional observation. “He promises to get him to dry land, + and save him without so much as wetting his shoes, though his own blood + relations, who are thought so smart, can not, it appears, do anything.” + </p> + <p> + Of course I could have nothing to say to the worthy lady, but my + expostulations were freely urged to Mr. Clifford. + </p> + <p> + “You, at least,” said I, “should know the risks which you incur by this + obstinacy. Mrs. Clifford can not be expected to know; and I now warn you, + sir, that the case of Banks & Tressell is a very strong one, very well + arranged, and so admirably hung together, in its several links of + testimony, that even the absence of old Hansford (the chief witness), + should his answers never be obtained, would scarcely impair the integrity + of the evidence. In a purely moral point of view, nothing can be more + complete than it is now.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, and who would it convict, Mr. Edward Clifford?” exclaimed the + inveterate lady, anticipating her husband's answer with accustomed + interference; “who would it convict, if not your own father? It was as + much his business as my husband's; and if there's any shame, I'm sure his + memory and his son will have to bear their share of it; and this makes it + so much more wonderful to me that you should take sides against Mr. + Clifford, instead of standing up in his defence.” + </p> + <p> + “I would save him, madam, if you and he would let me,” I exclaimed with + some indignation. “Your reference to my father's share in this transaction + does not affect me, as it is very evident that you are not altogether + acquainted with the true part which he had in it. He had all the risk, all + the loss, all the blame—and your husband all the profit, all the + importance. He lived poor, and died so; without a knowledge of those + profitable results to his brother of which the latter has made his own + avails by leaving my father's memory to aspersion which he did not + deserve, and his son to destitution and reproach which he merited as + little. My father's memory is liable to no reproach when every creditor + knows that he died in a state of poverty, in which his only son has ever + lived. Neither he nor I ever shared any of the pleasant fruits, for which + we are yet to be made accountable.” + </p> + <p> + “And whose fault was it that you didn't get your share I'm sure Mr. + Clifford made you as handsome an offer yesterday as any man could desire. + Didn't he offer you half? But I suppose nothing short of the whole would + satisfy so ambitious a person.” + </p> + <p> + “Neither the half nor the whole will serve me, madam, in such a business. + My respect for your husband and his family would, of itself, have been + sufficient to prevent my acceptance of his offer.” + </p> + <p> + “But there was Julia, too, Edward!” said Mr. Clifford, approaching me with + a most insinuating smile. + </p> + <p> + “It is not yet too late,” said Mrs. Clifford, unbending a little. “Take + the offer of Mr. Clifford, Edward, and be one of us; and then this ugly + business—” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, my dear Edward, even now, though I have spoken with young Perkins + about the affair, and he tells me there's nothing so much to be afraid of, + yet, for the look of the thing, I'd rather that you should be seen acting + in the business. As it's so well known that your father had nothing, and + you nothing, it'll then be easy for the people to believe that nothing was + the gain of any of us; and—and—” + </p> + <p> + “Young Perkins may think and say what he pleases, and you are yourself + capable of judging how much respect you may pay to his opinion. Mine, + however, remains unchanged. You will have to pay this money—nay, + this necessity will not come alone. The development of all the particulars + connected with the transaction will disgrace you for ever, and drive you + from the community. Even were I to take part with you, I do not see that + it would change the aspect of affairs. So far from your sharing with me + the reputation of being profitless in the affair, the public would more + naturally suspect that I had shared with you—now, if not before—and + the whole amount involved would not seduce me to incur this imputation.” + </p> + <p> + “But my daughter—Julia—” + </p> + <p> + “Do not speak of her in this connection, I implore you, Mr. Clifford. Let + her name remain pure, uncontaminated by any considerations, whether of + mere gain or of the fraud which the gain is supposed to involve. Freely + would I give the sum in question, were it mine, and all the wealth besides + that I ever expect to acquire, to make Julia Clifford my wife;—but I + can not suffer myself, in such a case as this, to accept her as a bribe, + and to sanction crime. Nay, I am sure that she too would be the first to + object.” + </p> + <p> + “And so you really refuse? Well, the world's coming to a pretty pass. But + I told Mr. Clifford, months ago, that you had quite forgot yourself, ever + since you had grown so great with the Edgertons, and the Blakes, and + Fortescues, and all them high-headed people. But I'm sure, Mr. Edward + Clifford, my daughter needn't go a-begging to any man; and as for this + business, whatever you may say against young Perkins, I'll take his + opinion of the law against that of any other young lawyer in the country. + He's as good as the best, I'm thinking.” + </p> + <p> + “Your opinion is your own, Mrs. Clifford, but I beg to set you right on + the subject of mine. I did not say anything against Mr. Perkins.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I beg your pardon; I'm sure you did. You said he was nothing of a + lawyer, and something more.” + </p> + <p> + Was there ever a more perverse and evil and silly woman! I contented + myself with assuring her that she was mistaken and had very much + misunderstood me—took pains to repeat what I had really said, and + then cut short an interview that had been painful and humbling to me on + many grounds. I left the happy pair tête-à -tête, in their princely parlor + together, little fancying that there was another argument which had been + prepared to overthrow my feeble virtue. But all this had been arranged by + the small cunning of this really witless couple. I was left to find my way + down stairs as I might; and just when I was about to leave the dwelling—vexed + to the heart at the desperate stolidity of the miserable man, whom avarice + and weakness were about to expose to a loss which might be averted in + part, and an exposure to infamy which might wholly be avoided—I was + encountered by the attenuated form and wan countenance of his suffering + but still lovely daughter. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. — LOVE FINDS NO SMOOTH WATER IN THE SEA OF LAW + </h2> + <p> + “Julia!” I exclaimed, with a start which betrayed, I am sure, quite as + much surprise as pleasure. My mood was singularly inflexible. My character + was not easily shaken, and, once wrought upon by any leading influence, my + mind preserved the tone which it acquired beneath it, long after the cause + of provocation had been withdrawn. This earnestness of character—amounting + to intensity—gave me an habitual sternness of look and expression, + and I found it hard to acquire, of a sudden, that command of muscle which + would permit me to mould the stubborn lineaments, at pleasure, to suit the + moment. Not even where my heart was most deeply interested—thus + aroused—could I look the feelings of the lover, which, nevertheless, + were most truly the predominant ones within my bosom. + </p> + <p> + “Julia,” I exclaimed, “I did not think to see you.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Edward, did you wish it?” she replied in very mournful accents, + gently reproachful, as she suffered me to take her hand in mine, and lead + her back to the parlor in the basement story. I seated her upon the sofa, + and took a place at her side. + </p> + <p> + “Why should I not wish to see you, Julia? What should lead you to fancy + now that I could wish otherwise?” + </p> + <p> + “Alas!” she replied, “I know not what to think—I scarcely know what + I say. I am very miserable. What is this they tell me? Can it be true, + Edward, that you are acting against my father—that you are trying to + bring him to shame and poverty?” + </p> + <p> + I released her hand. I fixed my eyes keenly upon hers. + </p> + <p> + “Julia, you have your instructions what to say. You are sent here for + this. They have set you in waiting to meet me here, and speak things which + you do not understand, and assert things which I know you can not + believe.” + </p> + <p> + “Edward, I believe YOU!” she exclaimed with emphasis, but with downcast + eyes; “but it does not matter whether I was sent here, or sought you of my + own free will. They tell me other things—there is more—but I + have not the heart to say it, and it needs not much.” + </p> + <p> + “If you believe me, Julia, it certainly does not need that you should + repeat to me what is said of me by enemies, equally unjust to me, and + hostile to themselves. Yet I can readily conjecture some things which they + have told you. Did they not tell you that your hand had been proffered me, + and that I had refused it?” + </p> + <p> + She hung her head in silence. + </p> + <p> + “You do not answer.” + </p> + <p> + “Spare me; ask me not.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay, tell me, Julia, that I may see how far you hold me worthy of your + love, your confidence. Speak to me—have they not told you some such + story?” + </p> + <p> + “Something of this; but I did not heed it, Edward.” + </p> + <p> + “Julia—nay!—did you not?” + </p> + <p> + “And if I did, Edward—” + </p> + <p> + “It surely was not to believe it?” + </p> + <p> + “No! no! no! I had no fears of you—have none, dear Edward! I knew + that it was not, could not be true.” + </p> + <p> + “Julia, it was true!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” + </p> + <p> + “True, indeed! There was more truth in THAT than in any other part of the + story. Nay, more—had they told you all the truth, dearest Julia, + that part, strange as it may appear, would have given you less pain than + pleasure.” + </p> + <p> + “How! Can it be so?” + </p> + <p> + “Your hand was proffered me by your father, and I refused it. Nay, look + not from me, dearest—fear not for my affection—fear nothing. I + should have no fear that you could suppose me false to you, though the + whole world should come and tell you so. True love is always secured by a + just confidence in the beloved object; and, without this confidence, the + whole life is a series of long doubts, struggles, griefs, and + apprehensions, which break down the strength, and lay the spirit in the + dust. I will now tell you, in few words, what is the relation in which I + stand to your father and his family. He, many years ago, committed an + error in business, which the laws distinguish by a harsher name. By this + error he became rich. Until recently, the proofs of this error were + unknown. They have lately been discovered by certain claimants, who are + demanding reparation. In the difficulty of your father, he came to me. I + examined the business, and have given it as my opinion that he should + stifle the legal process by endeavoring to make a private arrangement with + the creditors.” + </p> + <p> + “Could he do this?” + </p> + <p> + “He could. The creditors were willing, and at first he consented that I + should arrange it with them. He now rejects the arrangement.” + </p> + <p> + “But why?” + </p> + <p> + “Because it involves the surrender of the entire amount of property which + they claim—a sum of forty thousand dollars.” + </p> + <p> + “But, dear Edward, is it due?—does my father owe this money? If he + does, surely he can not refuse. Perhaps he thinks that he owes nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay, Julia, unhappily he knows it, and the offer of your hand, and half + of the sum mentioned, was made to me, on the express condition that I + should exert my influence as a man, and my ingenuity as a lawyer, in + baffling the creditors and stifling the claim.” + </p> + <p> + The poor girl was silent and hung her head, her eyes fixed upon the + carpet, and the big tears slowly gathering, dropping from them, one, by + one. Meanwhile, I explained, as tenderly as I could, the evil consequences + which threatened Mr. Clifford in consequence of his contumacy. + </p> + <p> + “Alas” she exclaimed, “it is not his fault. He would be willing—I + heard him say as much last night—but mother—she will not + consent. She refused positively the moment father said it would be + necessary to sell out, and move to a cheaper house. Oh, Edward, is there + no way that you can save us? Save my father from shame, though he gives up + all the money.” + </p> + <p> + “Would I not do this, Julia? Nay, were I owner of the necessary amount + myself, believe me, it should not be withheld.” + </p> + <p> + “I do believe you, Edward; but”—and here her voice sunk to a whisper—“you + must try again, try again and again—for I think that father knows + the danger, though mother does not; and I think—I hope—he will + be firm enough, when you press him, and warn him of the danger, to do as + you wish him.” + </p> + <p> + “I am afraid not, Julia. Your mother—” + </p> + <p> + “Do not fear; hope—hope all, dear Edward; for, to confess to you, I + KNOW that they are anxious to have your support—they said as much. + Nay, why should I hide anything from you? They sent me here to see—to + speak with you, and—” + </p> + <p> + “To see what your charms could do to persuade me to be a villain. Julia! + Julia! did you think to do this—to have me be the thing which they + would make me?” + </p> + <p> + “No! no!—Heaven forbid, dear Edward, that you should fancy that any + such desire had a place, even for a moment, in my mind. No! I knew not + that the case involved any but mere money considerations. I knew not that—” + </p> + <p> + “Enough! Say no more, Julia! I do not think that you would counsel me to + my own shame.” + </p> + <p> + “No! no! You do me only justice. But, Edward, you will save my father! You + will try—you will see him again—” + </p> + <p> + “What! to suffer again the open scorn, the declared doubts of my + friendship and integrity, which is the constant language of your mother? + Can it be that you would desire that I should do this—nay, seek it?” + </p> + <p> + “For my poor father's sake!” she cried, gaspingly. + </p> + <p> + But I shook my head sternly. + </p> + <p> + “For mine, then—for mine! for mine!” + </p> + <p> + She threw herself into my arms, and clung to me until I promised all that + she required. And as I promised her, so I strove with her father. I used + every argument, resorted to every mode of persuasion, but all was of no + avail. Mr. Clifford was under the rigid, the iron government of his fate! + His wife was one of those miserably silly women—born, according to + Iago— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “To suckle fools and chronicle small beer”— +</pre> + <p> + who, raised to the sudden control of unexpected wealth, becomes insane + upon it, and is blind, deaf, and dumb, to all counsel or reason which + suggests the possibility of its loss. From the very moment when Mr. + Clifford spoke of selling out house, horses, and carriage, as the + inevitable result which must follow his adoption of my recommendation, she + declared herself against it at all hazards, particularly when her husband + assured her that “the glorious uncertainties of the law” afforded a + possibility of his escape with less loss. The loss of money was, with her, + the item of most consideration; her mind was totally insensible to that of + reputation. She was willing to make this compromise with me, as a sort of + alternative, for, in that case, there would be no diminution of attendance + and expense—no loss of rank and equipage. We should all live + together—how harmoniously, one may imagine—but the grandeur + and the state would still be intact and unimpaired. Even for this, + however, she was not prepared, when she discovered that there was no + certainty that my alliance would bring immunity to her husband. How this + notion got even partially into his head, I know not; unless in consequence + of a growing imbecility of intellect, which in a short time after betrayed + itself more strikingly. But of this in its own place. + </p> + <p> + My attempts to convince my unfortunate uncle were all rendered unavailing, + and shown to be so to Julia herself in a very short time afterward. The + insolence of Mrs. Clifford, when I did seek an interview with her husband, + was so offensive and unqualified, that Julia herself, with a degree of + indignation which she could not entirely suppress, begged me to quit the + house, and relieve myself from such undeserved insult and abuse. I did so, + but with no unfriendly wishes for the wretched woman who presided over its + destinies, and the no less wretched husband whom she helped to make so; + and my place as consulting friend and counsellor was soon supplied by Mr. + Perkins—one of those young barristers, to be found in every + community, who regard the “penny fee” as the sine qua non, and obey + implicitly the injunction of the scoundrel in the play “Make money—honestly + if you can, but—make money!” He was one of those creatures who set + people at loggerheads, goad foolish and petulant clients into lawsuits, + stir up commotions in little sets, and invariably comfort the suit-bringer + with the most satisfactory assurances of success. It was the confident + assurances of this person which had determined Mr. Clifford—his wife + rather—to resist to the last the suit in question. Through the sheer + force of impudence, this man had obtained a tolerable share of practice. + His clients, as may be supposed, lay chiefly among such persons as, having + no power or standard for judging, necessarily look upon him who is most + bold and pushing as the most able and trustworthy. The bullies of the law—and, + unhappily, the profession has quite too many—are very commanding + persons among the multitude. Mr. Clifford knew this fellow's mental + reputation very well, and was not deceived by the confidence of his + assurances; nay, to the last, he showed a hankering desire to give me the + entire control of the subject; but the hostility of Mrs. Clifford + overruled his more prudent if not more honorable purposes; and, as he was + compelled to seek a lawyer, the questionable moral standing of Perkins + decided his choice. He wished one, in short, to do a certain piece of + dirty work: and, as if in anticipation of the future, he dreaded to unfold + the case to any of the veterans, the old-time gentlemen and worthies of + the bar. I proposed this to him. I offered to make a supposititious + relation of the facts for the opinion of Mr. Edgerton and others—nay, + pledged myself to procure a confidential consultation—anything, + sooner than that he should resort to a mode of extrication which, I + assured him, would only the more deeply involve him in the meshes of + disgrace and loss. But there was a fatality about this gentleman—a + doom that would not be baffled, and could not be stayed. The wilful mind + always precipitates itself down the abyss; and, whether acting by his own, + or under the influence of another's judgment, such was, most certainly, + the case with him. He was not to be saved. Mr. Perkins was regularly + installed as his defender—his counsellor, private and public—and + I was compelled, though with humiliating reluctance, to admit to the + plaintiffs, Banks & Tressell, that there was no longer any hope of + compromise. The issue on which hung equally his fortune and his reputation + was insanely challenged by my uncle. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. — DUELLO. + </h2> + <p> + But my share in the troubles of this affair was not to end, though I was + no longer my uncle's counsellor. An event now took place which gave the + proceedings a new and not less unpleasing aspect than they had worn + before. Mrs. Clifford, it appears, in her communications to her husband's + lawyer, did not confine herself to the mere business of the lawsuit. Her + voluminous discourse involved her opinions of her neighbors, friends, and + relatives; and, one day, a few weeks after, I was suddenly surprised by a + visit from a gentleman—one of the members of the bar—who + placed a letter in my hands from Mr. Perkins. I read this billet with no + small astonishment. It briefly stated that certain reports had reached his + ears, that I had expressed myself contemptuously of his abilities and + character, and concluded with an explicit demand, not for an explanation, + but an apology. My answer was immediate. + </p> + <p> + “You will do me the favor to say, Mr. Carter, that Mr. Perkins has been + misinformed. I never uttered anything in my life which could disparage + either his moral or legal reputation.” + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry to say, Mr. Clifford,” was the reply, “that denial is + unnecessary, and can not be received. Mr. Perkins has his information from + the lips of a lady; and, as a lady is not responsible, she can not be + allowed to err. I am required, sir to insist on an apology. I have already + framed it, and it only needs your signature.” + </p> + <p> + He drew a short, folded letter, from his pocket, and placed it before me. + There was so much cool impertinence in this proceeding, and in the + fellow's manner, that I could with difficulty refrain from flinging the + paper in his face. He was one of the little and vulgar clique of which + Perkins was a sort of centre. The whole set were conscious enough of the + low estimate which was put upon them by the gentlemen of the bar. Denied + caste, they were disposed to force their way to recognition by the bully's + process, and stung by some recent discouragements, Mr. Perkins was, + perhaps, rather glad than otherwise, of the silly, and no less malicious + than silly, tattle of Mrs. Clifford for I did not doubt that the gross + perversion of the truth which formed the basis of his note, had originated + with her, which enabled him to single out a victim, who, as the times + went, had suddenly risen to a comparative elevation which is not often + accorded to a young beginner. I readily conjectured his object from his + character and that of the man he sent. My own nature was passionate; and + the rude school through which my boyhood had gone, had made me as + tenacious of my position as the grave. That I should be chafed by reptiles + such as these, stung me to vexation; and though I kept from any violence + of action, my words did not lack of it. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Perkins is, permit me to say, a very impertinent fellow; and, if you + please, our conference will cease from this moment.” + </p> + <p> + He was a little astounded—rose, and then recovering himself, + proceeded to reply with the air of a veteran martinet. + </p> + <p> + “I am glad, sir, that you give me an opportunity of proceeding with this + business without delay. My friend, Mr. Perkins, prepared me for some such + answer. Oblige me, sir, by reading this paper.” He handed me the challenge + for which his preliminaries had prepared me. + </p> + <p> + “Accepted, sir; I will send my friend to you in the course of the + morning.” + </p> + <p> + As I uttered this reply, I bowed and waved him to the door. He did not + answer, other than by a bow, and took his departure. The promptness which + I had shown impressed him with respect. Baffled, in his first spring, the + bully, like the tiger, is very apt to slink back to his jungle. His + departure gave me a brief opportunity for reflection, in which I slightly + turned over in my mind the arguments for and against duelling. But these + were now too late—even were they to decide me against the practice—to + affect the present transaction; and I sallied out to seek a friend—a + friend! + </p> + <p> + Here was the first difficulty. I had precious little choice among friends. + My temper was not one calculated to make or keep friends. My earnestness + of character, and intensity of mood, made me dictatorial; and where + self-esteem is a large and active development, as it must be in an old + aristocratic community, such qualities are continually provoking popular + hostility. My friends, too, were not of the kind to whom such scrapes as + the present were congenial. I was unwilling to go to young Edgerton, as I + did not wish to annoy his parents by my novel anxieties. But where else + could I turn? To him I went. When he heard my story, he began by + endeavoring to dissuade me from the meeting. + </p> + <p> + “I am pledged to it, William,” was my only answer. + </p> + <p> + “But, Edward, I am opposed to duelling myself, and should not promote or + encourage, in another, a practice which I would not be willing myself to + adopt.” + </p> + <p> + “A good and sufficient reason, William. You certainly should not. I will + go to Frank Kingsley.” + </p> + <p> + “He will serve you, I know; but, Edward, this duelling is a bad business. + It does no sort of good. Kill Perkins, and it does not prove to him, even + if he were then able to hear, that Mrs. Clifford spoke a falsehood; and if + he kills you, you are even still farther from convincing him. + </p> + <p> + “I have no such desire, William; and your argument, by the way, is one of + those beggings of the question which the opponents of duelling continually + fall into when discussing the subject. The object of the man, who, in a + case like mine, fights a duel, is not to prove his truth, but to protect + himself from persecution. Perkins seeks to bully and drive me out of the + community. Public opinion here approves of this mode of protecting one's + self;—may, if I do not avail myself of its agency, the same public + opinion would assist my assailant in my expulsion. I fight on the same + ground that a nation fights when it goes to war. It is the most obvious + and easy mode to protect myself from injury and insult. So long as I + submit, Perkins will insult and bully, and the city will encourage him, If + I resist, I silence this fellow, and perhaps protect other young + beginners. I have not the most distant idea of convincing him of my truth + by fighting him—may, the idea of giving him satisfaction is an idea + that never entered my brain. I simply take a popular mode of securing + myself from outrage and persecution.” + </p> + <p> + “But, do you secure yourself? Has duelling this result?” + </p> + <p> + “Not invariably, perhaps; simply because the condition of humanity does + not recognise invariable results. If it is shown to be the probable, the + frequent result, it is all that can be expected of any human agency or + law.” + </p> + <p> + “But, is it probable—frequent?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, almost certain, almost invariable. Look at the general manners, the + deportment, the forbearance, of all communities where duelling is + recognised as an agent of society. See the superior deference paid to + females, the unfrequency of bullying, the absence of blackguarding, the + higher tone of this public press, and of society in general, from which + the public press takes its tone, and which it represents in our country, + but does not often inform. Even seduction is a rare offence, and a matter + of general exclamation, where this extra-judicial agent is recognised.” + </p> + <p> + And so forth. It is not necessary to repeat our discussion on this vexed + question, of its uses and abuses. I did not succeed in convincing him, + and, under existing circumstances, it is not reasonable to imagine that + his arguments had any influent over me. To Frank Kingsley I went, and + found him in better mood to take up the cudgels, and even make my cause + his own. He was one of those ardent bloods, who liked nothing better than + the excitement of such an affair; whether as principal or assistant, it + mattered little. To him I expressed my wish that his arrangements should + bring the matter to an issue, if possible, within the next twenty-four + hours. + </p> + <p> + “Prime!” he exclaimed, rubbing his hands. “That's what I like. If you + shoot as quickly now, and as much to the point, you may count any button + on Perkins's coat.” + </p> + <p> + He proceeded to confer with the friend of my opponent, while, with a + meditative mind, I went to my office, necessarily oppressed with the + strange feelings belonging to my situation. In less than two hours after + Kingsley brought me the carte, by which I found that the meeting was to + take place two miles out of town, by sunrise the day after the one ensuing—the + weapons, pistols—distance, as customary, ten paces! + </p> + <p> + “You are a shot, of course?” said Kingsley. + </p> + <p> + My answer, in the negative, astonished him. + </p> + <p> + “Why, you will have little or no time for practice.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not intend it. My object is not to kill this man; but to make him + and all others see that the dread of what may be done, either by him or + them, will never reconcile me to submit to injury or insult. I shall as + effectually secure this object by going out, as I do, without preparation, + as if I were the best shot in America. He does not know that I am not; and + a pistol is always a source of danger when in the grasp of a determined + man.” + </p> + <p> + “You are a queer fellow in your notions, Clifford, and I can not say that + I altogether understand you; but you must certainly ride out with me this + afternoon, and bark a tree. It will do no hurt to a determined man to be a + skilful one also.” + </p> + <p> + “I see no use in it.” + </p> + <p> + “Why—what if you should wish to wing him?” + </p> + <p> + “I think I can do it without practice. But I have no such desire.” + </p> + <p> + “Really you are unnecessarily magnanimous. You may be put to it, however. + Should the first shot be ineffectual and he should demand a second, would + you throw away that also?” + </p> + <p> + “No! I should then try to shoot him. As my simple aim is to secure myself + from persecution, which is usually the most effectual mode of destroying a + young man in this country, I should resort only to such a course as would + be likely to yield me this security. That failing, I should employ + stronger measures; precisely as a nation would do in a similar conflict + with another nation. One must not suffer himself to be destroyed or driven + into exile. This is the first law of nature—this of + self-preservation. In maintaining this law, a man must do any or all + things which in his deliberate judgment, will be effectual for the end + proposed. Were I fighting with savages, for example, and knew that they + regarded their scalps with more reverence than their lives, I should + certainly scalp as well as slay.” + </p> + <p> + “They would call that barbarous?” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, no doubt; particularly in those countries where they paid from five + to fifty, and even one hundred pounds to one Indian for the scalp of his + brother, until they rid themselves of both. But see you not that the + scalping process, as it produces the most terror and annoyance, is + decidedly the most merciful, as being most likely to discourage and deter + from war. If the scalp could bo taken from the head of every Seminole shot + down, be sure the survivors never after would have come within range of + rifle-shot.” + </p> + <p> + But these discussions gave way to the business before me. Kingsley left me + to myself, and though sad and serious with oppressive thoughts, I still + had enough of the old habits, dominant with me, to go to my daily + concerns, and arrange my papers with considerable industry and customary + method. My professional business was set in order, and Edgerton duly + initiated in the knowledge of all such portions as needed explanation. + This done, I sat down and wrote a long farewell letter to Julia, and one, + more brief, but renewing the counsel I had previously given to her father, + in respect to the suit against him. These letters were so disposed as to + be sent in the event of my falling in the fight. The interval which + followed was not so easy to be borne. Conscience and reflection were + equally busy, and unpleasantly so. I longed for the time of action which + should silence these unpleasant monitors. + </p> + <p> + The brief space of twenty-four hours was soon overpassed, and my anxieties + ceased as the moment for the meeting with my enemy, drew nigh. My friend + called at my lodgings a good hour before daylight—it was a point of + credit with him that we should not delay the opposite party the sixtieth + part of a second. We drove out into the country in a close carriage, + taking a surgeon—who was a friend of Kingsley—along with us. + We were on the ground in due season, and some little time before our + customers. But they did not fail or delay us. They were there with + sufficient promptitude. + </p> + <p> + Perkins was a man of coolness and courage. He took his position with + admirable nonchalance; but I observed, when his eyes met mine, that they + were darkened with a scowl of anger. His brows were contracted, and his + face which was ordinarily red, had an increased flush upon it which + betrayed unusual excitement. He evidently regarded me with feelings of + bitter animosity. Perhaps this was natural enough, if he believed the + story of Mrs. Clifford—and my scornful answer to his friend, Mr. + Carter, was not calculated to lessen the soreness. For my part, I am free + to declare, I had not the smallest sentiment of unkindness toward the + fellow. I thought little of him, but did not hate—I could not have + hated him. I had no wish to do him hurt; and, as already stated, only went + out to put a stop to the further annoyances of insolents and bullies, by + the only effectual mode—precisely as I should have used a bludgeon + over his head, in the event of a personal assault upon me. Of course, I + had no purpose to do him any injury, unless—with the view to my own + safety. I resolved secretly to throw away my fire. Kingsley suspected me + of some such intention, and earnestly protested against it. + </p> + <p> + “I should not place you at all,” he said, “if I fancied you could do a + thing so d—-d foolish. The fellow intends to shoot you if he can. + Help him to a share of the same sauce.” + </p> + <p> + I nodded as he proceeded to his arrangements. Here some conference ensued + between the seconds:— + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Carter was very sorry that such a business must proceed. Was it yet + too late to rectify mistakes? Might not the matter be adjusted?” + </p> + <p> + Kingsley, on such occasions, the very prince of punctilio, agreed that the + matter was a very lamentable one—to be regretted, and so forth—but + of the necessity of the thing, he, Mr. Carter, for his principal, must be + the only judge. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Carter could answer for his friend, Mr. Perkins, that he was always + accessible to reason.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Kingsley never knew a man more so than HIS principal.” + </p> + <p> + “May we not reconcile the parties?” demanded Mr. Carter. + </p> + <p> + “Does Mr. Perkins withdraw his message?” answered Kingsley by another + question. + </p> + <p> + “He would do so, readily, were there any prospect of adjusting the matter + upon an honorable footing.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Carter will be pleased to name the basis for what he esteems an + honorable adjustment.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Perkins withdraws his challenge.” + </p> + <p> + “We have no objection to that.” + </p> + <p> + “He substitutes a courteous requisition upon Mr. Clifford for an + explanation of certain language, supposed to be offensive, made to a + lady.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Clifford denies, without qualification, the employment of any such + language.” + </p> + <p> + “This throws us back on our old ground,” said Carter—“there is a + lady in question—” + </p> + <p> + “Who can not certainly be brought into the controversy,” said Kingsley—“I + see no other remedy, Mr. Carter, but that we should place the parties. We + are here to answer to your final summons.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good, sir; this matter, and what happens, must lie at your door. You + are peremptory. I trust you have provided a surgeon.” + </p> + <p> + “His services are at your need, sir,” replied Kingsley with military + courtesy. + </p> + <p> + “I thank you, sir—my remark had reference to your own necessity. + Shall we toss up for the word?” + </p> + <p> + These preliminaries were soon adjusted. The word fell to Carter, and thus + gave an advantage to Perkins, as his ear was more familiar than mine with + the accents of his friend. We were placed, and the pistol put into my + hands, without my uttering a sentence. + </p> + <p> + “Coolly now, my dear fellow,” said Kingsley in a whisper, as he withdrew + from my side;—“wing him at least—but don't burn powder for + nothing.” + </p> + <p> + Scarcely the lapse of a moment followed, when I heard the words “one,” + “two,” “three,” in tolerably rapid succession, and, at the utterance of + the last, I pulled trigger. My antagonist had done so at the first. His + eye was fixed upon mine with deliberate malignity—THAT I clearly saw—but + it did not affect my shot. This, I purposely threw away. The skill of my + enemy did not correspondend (sic) with his evident desires. I was hurt, + but very slightly. His bullet merely raised the skin upon the fleshy part + of my right thigh. We kept our places while a conference ensued between + the two seconds. Mr. Perkins, through his friend, declared himself + unsatisfied unless I apologized, or—in less unpleasant language—explained. + This demand was answered by Kingsley with cavalier indifference He came to + me with a second pistol. His good-humored visage was now slightly ruffled. + </p> + <p> + “Clifford!” said he, as he put the weapon into my hand, “you must trifle + no longer. This fellow abuses your generosity. He knows, as well as I, + that you threw away your fire; and he will play the same game with you, on + the same terms, for a month together, Sundays not excepted. I am not + willing to stand by and see you risk your life in this manner; and, unless + you tell me that you will give him as good as he sends, I leave you on the + spot. Will you take aim this time?” + </p> + <p> + “I will!” + </p> + <p> + “You promise me then?” + </p> + <p> + “I do!” + </p> + <p> + I was conscious of the increased activity of my organ of destructiveness + as I said these words. I smiled with a feeling of pleasant bitterness—that + spicy sort of malice which you may sometimes rouse in the bosom of the + best-natured man in the world, by an attempt to do him injustice. The + wound I had received, though very trifling, had no little to do with this + determination. It was not unlike such a wound as would be made by a smart + stroke of a whip, and the effect upon my blood was pretty much as if it + had been inflicted by some such instrument. I was stung and irritated by + it, and the pertinacity of my enemy, particularly as he must have seen + that my shot was thrown away, decided me to punish him if I could. I did + so! I was not conscious that I was hurt myself, until I saw him falling!—I + then felt a heavy and numbing sensation in the same thigh which had been + touched before. A faintness relieved me from present sensibility, and when + I became conscious, I found myself in the carriage, supported by Kingsley + and the surgeon, on my way to my lodgings. My wound was a flesh wound + only; the ball was soon extracted, and in a few weeks after, I was enabled + to move about with scarcely a feeling of inconvenience. My opponent + suffered a much heavier penalty. The bone of his leg was fractured, and it + was several months before he was considered perfectly safe. The lesson he + got made him a sorer and shorter—a wiser, if not a better man; but + as I do not now, and did not then, charge myself with the task of bringing + about his moral improvement, it is not incumbent upon me to say anything + further on this subject. We will leave him to get better as he may. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. — HEAD WINDS. + </h2> + <p> + The hurts of Perkins did not, unhappily, delay the progress of my uncle to + that destruction to which his silly wife and knavish lawyer had destined + him. His business was brought before the court by the claimants, Messrs. + Banks & Tressell; and a brief period only was left him for putting in + his answer. When I thought of Julia, I resolved, in spite of all previous + difficulties—the sneers of the father, and the more direct, coarse + insults of the mother—to make one more effort to rescue him from the + fate which threatened him. I felt sure that, for the reasons already + given, the merchants would still be willing to effect a compromise which + would secure them the principal of their claim, without incurring the + delay and risk of litigation. Accordingly, I penned a note to Mr. + Clifford, requesting permission to wait upon him at home, at a stated + hour. To this I received a cold, brief answer, covering the permission + which I sought. I went, but might as well have spared myself the labor and + annoyance of this visit. Mrs. Clifford was still in the ascendant—still + deaf to reason, and utterly blind to the base position into which her + meddlesome interference in the business threw her husband. She had her + answer ready; and did not merely content herself with rejecting my + overtures, but proceeded to speak in the language of one who really + regarded me as busily seeking, by covert ways, to effect the ruin of her + family. Her looks and language equally expressed the indignation of a mind + perfectly convinced of the fraudulent and evil purposes of the person she + addressed. Those of my uncle were scarcely less offensive. A grin of + malicious self-gratulation mantled his lips as he thanked me for my + counsel, which, he yet remarked, “however wise and good, and + well-intended, he did not think it advisable to adopt. He had every + confidence in the judgment of Mr. Perkins, who, though without the great + legal knowledge of some of his youthful neighbors, had enough for his + purposes; and had persuaded him to see the matter in a very different + point of view from that in which I was pleased to regard it.” + </p> + <p> + There was no doing anything with or for these people. The fiat for their + overthrow had evidently been issued. The fatuity which leads to + self-destruction was fixed upon them; and, with a feeling rather of + commiseration than anger, I prepared to leave the house. In this + interview, I made a discovery, which tended still more to lessen the + hostility I might otherwise have felt toward my uncle. I was constrained + to perceive that he labored under an intellectual feebleness and + incertitude which disconcerted his expression, left his thoughts seemingly + without purpose, and altogether convinced me that, if not positively + imbecile in mind and memory, there were yet some ugly symptoms of + incapacity growing upon him which might one day result in the loss of + both. I had always known him to be a weak-minded man, disposed to vanity + and caprice, but the weakness had expanded very much in a brief period, + and now presented itself to my view in sundry very salient aspects. It was + easy now to divert his attention from the business which he had in hand—a + single casual remark of courtesy or observation would have this effect—and + then his mind wandered from the subject with all the levity and caprice of + a thoughtless damsel. He seemed to entertain now no sort of apprehension + of his legal difficulties, and spoke of them as topics already adjusted. + Nay, for that matter, he seemed to have no serious sense of any subject, + whatever might be its personal or general interest; but, passing from + point to point, exhibited that instability of mental vision which may not + inaptly be compared to that wandering glance which is usually supposed to + distinguish and denote, in the physical eye, the presence of insanity. It + was not often now that he indulged, while speaking to me, in that manner + of hostility—those sneers and sarcastic remarks—which had been + his common habit. This was another proof of the change which his mental + man had undergone. It was not that he was more prudent or more tolerant + than before. He was quite as little disposed to be generous toward me. But + he now appeared wholly incapable of that degree of intellectual + concentration which could enable him to examine a subject to its close. He + would begin to talk with me seriously enough, and with a due solemnity, + about the suit against him; but, in a tangent, he would dart off to the + consideration of some trifle, some household matter, or petty affair, of + which, at any other time, he must have known that his hearers had no wish + to hear. Poor Julia confirmed the conjectures which I entertained, but did + not utter, by telling me that her father had changed very much in his ways + ever since this business had been begun. + </p> + <p> + “Mother does not see it, but he is no longer the same man. Oh, Edward, I + sometimes think he's even growing childish.” + </p> + <p> + The fear was a well-founded one. Before the case was tried, Mr. Clifford + was generally regarded, among those who knew him intimately, as little + better than an imbecile; and so rapid was the progress of his infirmity, + that when the judgment was given, as it was, against him, he was wholly + unable to understand or fear its import. His own sense of guilt had + anticipated its effects, and his intense vanity was saved from public + shame only by the substitution of public pity. The decree of the court + gave all that was asked; and the handsome competence of the Cliffords was + exchanged for a miserable pittance, which enabled the family to live only + in the very humblest manner. + </p> + <p> + It will readily be conjectured, from what I have stated in respect to + myself, that mine was not the disposition to seek revenge, or find cause + for exultation in these deplorable events. I had no hostility against my + unhappy uncle; I should have scorned myself if I had. If such a feeling + ever filled my bosom, it would have been most effectually disarmed by the + sight of the wretched old man, a grinning, gibbering idiot, half-dancing + and half-shivering from the cold, over the remnants of a miserable and + scant fire in the severest evening in November. It was when the affair was + all over; when the property of the family was all in the hands of the + sheriff; when the mischievous counsel of such a person as Jonathan + Perkins, Esquire could do no more harm even to so foolish a person as my + uncle's wife; and when his presence, naturally enough withdrawn from a + family from which he could derive no further profit, and which he had + helped to ruin, was no longer likely to offend mine by meeting him there—that + I proceeded to renew my direct intercourse with the unfortunate people + whom I was not suffered to save. + </p> + <p> + The reader is not to suppose that I had kept myself entirely aloof from + the family until these disasters had happened. I sought Julia when + occasion offered, and, though she refused it, tendered my services and my + means whenever they might be bestowed with hope of good. And now, when all + was over, and I met her at the door, and she sank upon my bosom, and wept + in my embrace, still less than ever was I disposed to show to her mother + the natural triumph of a sagacity which had shown itself at the expense of + hers. I forgot, in the first glance of my uncle, all his folly and + unkindness. He was now a shadow, and the mental wreck was one of the most + deplorable, as it was one of the most rapid and complete, that could be + imagined. In less than seven months, a strong man—strong in health—strong, + as supposed, in intellect—singularly acute in his dealings among + tradesmen—regarded by them as one of the most shrewd in the + fraternity—vain of his parts, of his family, and of his fortune—solicitous + of display, and constant in its indulgence!—that such a man should + be stricken down to imbecility and idiotism—a meagre skeleton in + form—pale, puny, timid—crouching by the fireplace—grinning + with stealthy looks, momently cast around him—and playing—his + most constant employment—with the bellows strings that hung beside + him, or the little kitten, that, delighted with new consideration, had + learned to take her place constantly at his feet! What a wreck! + </p> + <p> + But the moral man had been wrecked before, or this could not have been. It + was only because of his guilt—of its exposure rather—that he + sunk. In striving to shake off the oppressive burden, he shook off the + intellect which had been compelled chiefly to endure it. The sense of + shame, the conviction of loss, and, possibly, other causes of conscience + which lay yet deeper—for the progeny of crime is most frequently a + litter as numerous as a whelp's puppies—helped to crush the mind + which was neither strong enough to resist temptation at first, nor to bear + exposure at last. I turned away with a tear, which I could not suppress, + from the wretched spectacle. But I could have borne with more patience to + behold this ruin, than to subdue the rising reproach which I felt as I + turned to encounter Mrs. Clifford. + </p> + <p> + This weak woman, still weak, received me coldly, and I could see in her + looks that she regarded me as one whom it was natural to suppose would + feel some exultation at beholding their downfall. I saw this, but + determined to say nothing, in the attempt to undo these impressions. I + knew that time was the best teacher in all such matters, and resolved that + my deportment should gradually make her wiser on the subject of that + nature which she had so frequently abused, and which, I well knew, she + could never understand. But this hope I soon discovered to be unavailing. + Her disaster had only soured, not subdued her; and, with the natural + tendency of the vulgar mind, she seemed to regard me as the person to whom + she should ascribe all her misfortunes. As, to her narrow intellect, it + seemed natural that I should exult in the accomplishment of my + predictions, so it was a process equally natural that she should couple me + with their occurrence; and, indeed, I was too nearly connected with the + event, through the medium of my unconscious father, not to feel some + portion of the affliction on his account also; though neither his memory + nor my reputation suffered from the development of the affair in the + community where we lived. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Clifford did not openly, or in words, betray the feelings which were + striving in her soul; but the general restraint which she put upon herself + in my presence, the acerbity of her tone, manner, and language, to poor + Julia, and the unvaried querulousness of her remarks, were sufficient to + apprize me of the spite which she would have willingly bestowed upon + myself, had she any tolerable occasion for doing so. A few weeks served + still further to humble the conceit and insolence of the unfortunate + woman. The affair turned out much more seriously than I expected. A sudden + fall in the value of real and personal estate, just about the time when + the sheriff's sale took place, rendered necessary a second levy, which + swept the miserable remnant of Mr. Clifford's fortune, leaving nothing to + my uncle but a small estate which had been secured by settlement to Mrs. + Clifford and her daughter, and which the sheriff could not legally lay + hands on. + </p> + <p> + I came forward at this juncture, and, having allowed them to remove into + the small tenement to which, in their reduced condition they found it + prudent to retire, I requested a private interview with Mrs. Clifford, and + readily obtained it. + </p> + <p> + I was received by the good lady in apparent state. All the little + furniture which she could save from the former, was transferred very + inappropriately to the present dwelling-house. The one was quite unsuited + to the other. The massive damask curtains accorded badly with the little + windows over which they were now suspended, and the sofa, ten feet in + length, occupied an unreasonable share of an apartment twelve by sixteen. + The dais of piled cushions, on which so many fashionable groups had + lounged in better times, now seemed a mountain, which begot ideas of + labor, difficulty, and up-hill employment, rather than ease, as the eye + beheld it cumbering two thirds of the miserable area into which it was so + untastefully compressed. These, and other articles of splendor and luxury, + if sold, would have yielded her the means to buy furniture more suitable + to her circumstances and situation, and left her with some additional + resources to meet the daily and sometimes pressing exigencies of life. + </p> + <p> + The appearance of this parlor argued little in behalf of the salutary + effect which such reverses might be expected to produce in a mind even + tolerably sensible. They argued, I fancied, as unfavorably for my suit as + for the humility of the lady whom I was about to meet. If the parlor of + Mrs. Clifford bore such sufficient tokens of her weakness of intellect, + her own costume betrayed still more. She had made her person a sort of + frame or rack upon which she hung every particle of that ostentatious + drapery which she was in the habit of wearing at her fashionable evenings. + A year's income was paraded upon her back, and the trumpery jewels of + three generations found a place on every part of her person where it is + usual for fashionable folly to display such gewgaws. She sailed into the + room in a style that brought to my mind instantly the description which + Milton gives of the approach of Delilah to Samson, after the first days of + his blind captivity:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “But who is this, what thing of sea or land?— + Female of sex it seems— + That so bedecked, ornate and gay, + Comes this way sailing, like a stately ship + Of Tarsus, bound for the isles + Of Javan or Gadire, + With all her bravery on and tackle trim, + Sails filled, and streamers waving, + Courted by all the winds that hold their play, + An amber scent of odorous perfume + Her harbinger!” + </pre> + <p> + No description could have been more, just and literal in the case of Mrs. + Clifford. I could scarce believe my eyes; and when forced to do so, I + could scarcely suppose that this bravery was intended for my eyes only. + Nor was it;—but let me not anticipate. This spectacle, I need not + say, sobered me entirely, if anything was necessary to produce this + effect, and increased the grave apprehensions which were already at my + heart. The next consequence was to make the manner of my communication + serious even to severity. A smile, which was of that doubtful sort which + is always sinister and offensive, overspread her lips as she motioned me + to resume the seat from which I had risen at her entrance; while she threw + herself with an air of studied negligence upon one part of the sofa. I + felt the awkwardness of my position duly increased, as her house, dress, + and manner, convinced me that she was not yet subdued to hers; but a + conscious rectitude of intention carried me forward, and lightened the + task to my feelings. + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Clifford,” I said, without circumlocution, “I have presumed to ask + your attention this morning to a brief communication which materially + affects my happiness, and which I trust may not diminish, if it does not + actually promote, yours. Before I make this communication, however, I hope + I may persuade myself that the little misunderstandings which have + occurred between us are no longer to be considered barriers to our mutual + peace, and happiness—” + </p> + <p> + “Misunderstandings, Mr. Clifford?—I don't know what + misunderstandings you mean. I'm sure I've never misunderstood you.” + </p> + <p> + I could not misunderstand the insolent tenor of this speech, but I availed + myself of the equivoque which it involved to express my gratification that + such was the case. + </p> + <p> + “My path will then be more easy, Mrs. Clifford—my purpose more + easily explained.” + </p> + <p> + “I am glad you think so, sir,” she answered coolly, smoothing down certain + folds of her frock, and crossing her hands upon her lap, while she assumed + the attitude of a patient listener. There was something very repulsive in + all this; but I saw that the only way to lessen the unpleasantness of the + scene, and to get on with her, would be to make the interview as short as + possible, and come at once to my object. This I did. + </p> + <p> + “It is now more than a year, Mrs. Clifford, since I had the honor to say + to my uncle, that I entertained for my cousin Julia such a degree of + affection as to make it no longer doubtful to me that I should best + consult my own happiness by seeking to make her my wife. I had the + pleasure at the same time to inform him, which I believed to be true, that + Julia herself was not unwilling that such should be the nearer tie between + us—” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes, Mr. Clifford, I know all this; but my husband and myself + thought better of it, and—” she said with fidgety impatience. + </p> + <p> + “And my application was refused,” I said calmly; thus finishing the + sentence where she had paused. + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, and what then?” + </p> + <p> + “At that time, madam, my uncle gave as a reason that he had other + arrangements in view.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, so we had; and this reminds me that those arrangements were + broken off entirely in consequence of the perversity which you taught my + daughter. I know it all, sir; there's no more need to tell me of it, than + there is to deny it. You put my daughter up to refusing young Roberts, who + would have jumped at her, as his father did—and he one of the best + families and best fortunes in the city. I'm sure I don't know, sir, what + object you can have in reminding me of these things.” + </p> + <p> + Here was ingenious perversity. I bore with it as well as I could, and + strove to preserve my consideration and calmness. + </p> + <p> + “You do your daughter injustice, Mrs. Clifford, and me no less, in this + opinion. But I do not seek to remind you of misunderstandings and + mistakes, the memory of which can do no good. My purpose now is to renew + the offer to you which I originally made to Mr. Clifford. My attachment to + your daughter remains unaltered, and I am happy to say that fortune has + favored me so far as to enable me to place her in a situation of + comparative comfort and independence which I could not offer then—” + </p> + <p> + “Which is as much as to say that she don't enjoy comfort and independence + where she is; and if she does not, sir, to whom is it all owing, sir, but + to you and your father? By your means it is that we are reduced to + poverty; but you shall see, sir, that we are not entirely wanting in + independence. My answer, sir, is just the same as Mr. Clifford's was. I am + very much obliged to you for THE HONOR you intend my family, but we must + decline it. As for the comfort and independence which you proffer to my + daughter, I am happy to inform you that she can receive it at any moment + from a source perhaps far more able than yourself to afford both, if her + perversity does not stand in the way, as it did when young Roberts made + his offers. Mr. Perkins, sir, the excellent young man that you tried to + murder, is to be here, sir, this very morning, to see my daughter. Here's + his letter, sir, which you may read, that you may be under no + apprehensions that my daughter will ever suffer from a want of comfort and + independence.” + </p> + <p> + She flung a letter down on the sofa beside her, but I simply bowed, and + declined looking at it. I did not, however, yield the contest in this + manner. I urged all that might properly be urged on the subject, and with + as much earnestness as could be permitted in an interview with a lady—and + such a lady!—but, as the reader may suppose, my toils were taken in + vain: all that I could suggest, either in the shape of reason or + expostulation, only served to make her more and more dogged, and to + increase her tone of insolence; and sore, stung with vexation, + disappointed, and something more than bewildered, I dashed almost headlong + out of the house, without seeing either Julia or her father, precisely at + the moment when Mr. Perkins was about to enter. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XI. — CRISIS. + </h2> + <p> + The result of this interview of my rival with the mother of Julia, was + afforded me by the latter. The mother had already given her consent to his + suit—that of Julia alone was to be obtained; and to this end the + arts of the suitor and the mother were equally devoted. Her refusal only + brought with it new forms of persecution. Her steps were haunted by the + swain, to whom Mrs. Clifford gave secret notice of all her daughter's + intentions. He was her invariable attendant at church, where I had the + pain constantly to behold them, in such close proximity, that I at length + abandoned the customary house of worship, and found my pew in another, + where I could be enabled to endure the forms of service without being + oppressed by foreign and distracting thoughts and fancies. + </p> + <p> + Of the progress of the suit I had occasional intelligence from Julia + herself, whom I had, very reluctantly on her part, persuaded to meet me at + the house of a female relative and friend, who favored our desires and + managed our interviews. Brief were these stolen moments, but oh, how + blissful! The pleasures they afforded, however, were almost wholly mine. + The clandestine character of our meetings served to deprive her of the joy + which they otherwise might have yielded; and the fear that she was not + doing right, humbled her spirit and made her tremble with frequent + apprehensions. + </p> + <p> + At length Mrs. Clifford suspected our interviews, and detected them. We + had a most stormy scene on one occasion, when the sudden entrance of this + lady surprised us together, at the house of our friend. The consequence of + this was, a rupture between the ladies, which resulted in Julia's being + forbidden to visit the house of her relative again. This measure was + followed by others of such precaution, that at length I could no longer + communicate with her, or even seek her, unless when she was on her way to + church. Her appearance then was such as to awaken all my apprehensions. + Her form, always slender, was become more so. The change was striking in a + single week. Her face, usually pale and delicate, was now haggard. Her + walk was feeble, and without elasticity. Her whole appearance was + wo-begone and utterly spiritless. Days and weeks passed, and my heart was + filled with hourly-increasing apprehensions. I returned to the familiar + church, but here I suffered a new alarm. That sabbath the family pew was + unoccupied. While I trembled lest something serious had befallen her, I + was called on by the family physician. This gentleman had been always + friendly. He had been my father's physician, and had been his friend and + frequent guest; he knew my history, and sympathized with my fortunes. He + now know the history of Julia's affections. She had made him her + confidante so far, and he brought me a letter from her. She was sick, as I + expected. This letter was of startling tenor:— + </p> + <p> + “Save me, Edward, if you can. I am now willing to do as you proposed. I + can no longer endure these annoyances—these cruel persecutions! My + mother tells me that I must submit and marry this man, if we would save + ourselves from ruin. It seems he has a claim against the estate for + professional services; and as we have no other means of payment, without + the sale of all that is left, he is base enough to insist upon my hand as + the condition of his forbearance. He uses threats now, since entreaties + have failed him. Oh, Edward, if you can save me, come!—for of a + certainty, I can not bear this persecution much long and live. I am now + willing to consent to do what Aunt Sophy recommended. Do not think me bold + to say so, dear Edward—if I am bold, it is despair which makes me + so.” + </p> + <p> + I read this letter with mingled feelings of indignation and delight—indignation, + because of the cruelties to which the worthless mother and the base suitor + subjected one so dear and innocent delight, since the consent which she + now yielded placed the means of saving her at my control. The consent was + to flight and clandestine marriage, to which I had, with the assistance of + our mutual friend, endeavored to persuade her, in several instances, + before. + </p> + <p> + The question now was, how to effect this object, since we had no + opportunities for communication; but, before I took any steps in the + matter, I made it a point of duty to deprive the infamous attorney, + Perkins, of his means of power over the unhappy family. I determined to + pay his legal charges; and William Edgerton, at my request, readily + undertook this part of the business. They were found to be extortionate, + and far beyond anything either warranted by the practice or the fee bill. + Edgerton counselled me to resist the claim; but the subject was too + delicate in all its relations, and my own affair with Perkins would have + made my active opposition seem somewhat the consequence of malice and + inveterate hostility. I preferred to pay the excess, which was done by + Edgerton, rather than have any further dispute or difficulty with one whom + I so much despised. Complete satisfaction was entered upon the records of + the court, and a certified discharge, under the hand of Perkins himself—which + he gave with a reluctance full of mortification—was sent in a blank + envelope to Mrs. Clifford. She was thus deprived of the only excuse—if, + indeed, such a woman ever needs an excuse for wilfulness—for + persecuting her unhappy daughter on the score of the attorney. + </p> + <p> + But the possession of this document effected no sort of change in her + conduct. She pursued her victim with the same old tenacity. It was not to + favor Perkins that she strove for this object: it was to baffle ME. That + blind heart, which misguides all of us in turn, was predominant in her, + and rendered her totally incapable of seeing the cruel consequences to her + daughter which her perseverance threatened. Julia was now so feeble as + scarcely to leave her chamber; the physician was daily in attendance; and, + though I could not propose to make use of his services in promoting a + design which would subject him to the reproach of the grossest treachery, + yet, without counsel, he took it upon him plainly to assure the mother + that the disorder of her daughter arose solely from her mental + afflictions. He went farther. Mrs. Clifford, whose garrulity was as + notorious as her vanity and folly, herself took occasion, when this was + told her, to ascribe the effect to me; and, with her own coloring, she + continued, by going into a long history of our “course of wooing.” The + doctor availed himself of these statements to suggest the necessity of a + compromise, assuring Mrs. Clifford that I was really a more deserving + person than she thought me, and, in short, that some concessions must be + made, if it was her hope to save her daughter's life. + </p> + <p> + “She is naturally feeble of frame, nervous and sensitive, and these + excitements, pressing upon her, will break down her constitution and her + spirits together. Let me warn you, Mrs. Clifford, while yet in season. + Dismiss your prejudices against this young man, whether well or ill + founded, and permit your daughter to marry him. Suffer me to assure you, + Mrs. Clifford, that such an event will do more toward her recovery than + all my medicine.” + </p> + <p> + “What, and see him the master of my house—he, the poor beggar-boy + that my husband fed in charity, and who turned from him with ingratitude + in his moment of difficulty, and left him to be despoiled by his enemies? + Never! never! Daughter of mine shall never be wife of his! The serpent! to + sting the hand of his benefactor!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear Mrs. Clifford, this prejudice of yours, besides being totally + unfounded, amounts to monomania. Now, I know something of all these + matters, as you should be aware; and I should be sorry to counsel anything + to you or to your family which would be either disgraceful or injurious. + So far from this young man being ungrateful, neglectful, or suffering your + husband to be preyed on by enemies, I am of opinion that, if his counsel + had been taken in this late unhappy business, you would probably have been + spared all of the misery and nearly one half of the loss which has been + incurred by the refusal to do so.” + </p> + <p> + “And so you, too, are against us, doctor? You, too, believe everything + that this young man tells you?” + </p> + <p> + “No, madam; I assure you, honestly, that I never heard a single word from + his lips in regard to this subject. It is spoken of by everybody but + himself.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay! ay! the whole town knows it, and from who else but him, I wonder? But + you needn't to talk, doctor, on the subject. My mind's made up. Edward + Clifford, while I have breath to say 'No,' and a hand to turn the lock of + the door against him, shall never again darken these doors!” + </p> + <p> + The physician was a man of too much experience to waste labor upon a case + so decidedly hopeless. He knew that no art within his compass could cure + so thorough a case of heart-blindness, and he gave her up; but he did not + give up Julia. He whispered words of consolation into her ears, which, + though vague, were yet far more useful than physic. + </p> + <p> + “Cheer up, my daughter; be of good heart and faith. I AM SURE that there + will be some remedy provided for you, before long, which will do you good. + I have given the letter to your aunt, and she promises to do as you wish.” + </p> + <p> + It may be said, en passant, that the billet sent to me had been covered in + another to my female friend and Julia's relative; and that the doctor, + though not unconscious of the agency of this lady between us, was yet + guilty of no violation of the faith which is always implied between the + family and the physician. He might SUSPECT, but he did not KNOW; and + whatever might have been his suspicions, he certainly did not have the + most distant idea of that concession which Julia had made, and of the + course of conduct for which her mother's persecutions had now prepared her + mind. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Perkins, though deprived of his lien upon Mrs. Clifford, by reason of + his claim, did not in the least forego his intentions. His complaints and + threatenings necessarily ceased—his tone was something lowered; but + he possessed a hold upon this silly woman's prejudices which was far + superior to any which he might before have had upon her fears. His + hostility to me was grateful to the hate which she also entertained, and + which seemed to be more thoroughly infixed in her after her downfall—which, + as it has been seen, she ascribed to me; chiefly because of my predictions + that such would be the case. In due proportion to her hate for me, was her + desire to baffle my wishes, even though it might be at the expense of her + own daughter's life. But a vain mother has no affections—none, at + least, worthy of the name, and none which she is not prepared to discard + at the first requisition of her dearer self. Her hate of me was so extreme + as to render her blind to everything besides—her daughter's + sickness, the counsel of the physician, the otherwise obvious vulgarity + and meanness of Perkins, and that gross injustice which I had suffered at + her hands from the beginning, and which, to many minds, might have amply + justified in me the hostile feelings which she laid to my charge. In this + blindness she precipitated events, and by her cruelty justified + extremities in self-defence. The moment that Julia exhibited some slight + improvement, she was summoned to an interview with Perkins, and in this + interview her mother solemnly swore that she should marry him. The + base-minded suitor stood by in silence, beheld the loathing of the maiden, + heard her distinct refusal, yet clung to his victim, and permitted the + violence of the mother, without rebuke—that rebuke which the true + gentleman might have administered in such a case, and which, to forbear, + was the foulest shame—the rebuke of his own decided refusal to + participate in such a sacrifice. But he was not capable of this; and + Julia, stunned and terrified, was shocked to hear Mrs. Clifford appoint + the night of the following Thursday for the forced nuptials. + </p> + <p> + “She will consent—she shall consent, Mr. Perkins,” were the vehement + assurances of the mother, as the craven-spirited suitor prepared to take + his leave. “I know her better than you do, and she knows me. Do you fear + nothing, but bring Mr—” (the divine) “along with you. We shall put + an end to this folly.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do not, do not, mother, if you would not drive me mad!” was the + exclamation of the destined victim, as she threw herself at the feet of + her unnatural parent. “You will kill me to wed this man! I can not marry + him—I can not love him. Why would you force this matter upon me—why! + why!” + </p> + <p> + “Why will you resist me, Julia? why will you provoke your mother to this + degree? You have only to consent willingly, and you know how kind I am.” + </p> + <p> + “I can not consent!” was the gasping decision of the maiden. + </p> + <p> + “You shall! you must! you will!” + </p> + <p> + “Never! never! On my knees I say it, mother. God will witness what you + refuse to believe. I will die before I consent to marry where I do not + give my heart.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you talk of dying, as if it was a very easy matter. But you won't + die. It's more easy to say than do. Do you come, Mr. Perkins. Don't you + mind—don't you believe in these denials, and oaths, and promises. + It's the way with all young ladies. They all make a mighty fuss when + they're going to be married; but they're all mighty willing, if the truth + was known. I ought to know something about it. I did just the same as she + when I was going to marry Mr. Clifford; yet nobody was more willing than I + was to get a husband. Do you come and bring the parson; she'll sing a + different tune when she stands up before him, I warrant you.” + </p> + <p> + “That shall never be, Mr. Perkins!” said the maiden solemnly, and somewhat + approaching the person whom she addressed. “I have already more than once + declined the honor you propose to do me. I now repeat to you that I will + sooner marry the grave and the winding-sheet than be your wife! My mother + mistakes me and all my feelings. For your own sake, if not for mine, I beg + that YOU will not mistake them; for, if the strength is left me for + speech, I will declare aloud to the reverend man whom you are told to + bring, the nature of those persecutions to which you have been privy. I + will tell him of the cruelty which I have been compelled to endure, and + which you have beheld and encouraged with your silence.” + </p> + <p> + Perkins looked aghast, muttered his unwillingness to prosecute his suit + under such circumstances, and prepared to take his leave. His mutterings + and apologies were all swallowed up in that furious storm of abuse and + denunciation which now poured from the lips of the exemplary mother. These + we need not repeat. Suffice it that the deep feelings of Julia—her + sense of propriety and good taste—prevailed to keep her silent, + while her mother, still raving, renewed her assurances to the pettifogger + that he should certainly receive his wife at her hands on the evening of + the ensuing Thursday. The unmanly suitor accepted her assurances—and + took leave of mother and daughter, with the expression of a simpering + hope, intended chiefly for the latter, that her objections would resolve + themselves into the usual maidenly scruples when the appointed time should + arrive. Julia mustered strength enough to reply in language which brought + down another storm from her mother upon her devoted head. + </p> + <p> + “Do not deceive Perkins—do not let the assurances of my mother + deceive you. She does not know me. I can not and will not marry you. I + will sooner marry the grave—the winding-sheet—the worm!” + </p> + <p> + Her strength failed her the moment he left the apartment. She sank in a + fainting-fit upon the floor, and was thus saved from hearing the bitter + abuse which her miserable and misguided parent continued to lavish upon + her, even while undertaking the task of her restoration. The evident + exhaustion of her frame, her increasing feebleness, the agony of her mind, + and the possibly fatal termination of her indisposition, did not in the + least serve to modify the violent and vexing mood of this most unnatural + woman! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. — “GONE TO BE MARRIED.” + </h2> + <p> + These proceedings, the tenor of which was briefly communicated to me in a + hurried note from Julia, despatched by the hands of the physician, under a + cover, to the friendly aunt, rendered it imperatively necessary that, + whatever we proposed to do should be done quickly, if we entertained any + hope to save. + </p> + <p> + The tone of her epistle alarmed me exceedingly in one respect, as it + evidently showed that she could not much longer save herself. Her courage + was sinking with her spirits, which were yielding rapidly beneath the + continued presence of that persecution which had so long been acting upon + her. She began now to distrust her own strength—her very powers of + utterance to declare her aversion to the proposed marriage, if ever the + trial was brought to the threatened issue before the holy man. + </p> + <p> + “What am I to do—what say—” demanded her trembling epistle, + “should they go so far? Am I to declare the truth?—can I tell to + strange ears that it is my mother who forces this cruel sacrifice upon me? + I dread I can not. I fear that my soul and voice will equally fail me. I + tremble, dear Edward, when I think that the awful moment may find me + speechless, and my consent may be assumed from my silence. Save me from + this trial, dearest Edward; for I fear everything now—and fear + myself—my unhappy weakness of nerve and spirit more than all. Do not + leave me to this trial of my strength—for I have none. Save me if + you can!” + </p> + <p> + It may be readily believed that I needed little soliciting to exertion + after this. The words of this letter occasioned an alarm in my mind, + little less—though of a different kind—than that which + prevailed in hers. I knew the weakness of hers—I knew hers—and + felt the apprehension that she might fail at the proper moment, even more + vividly than she expressed it. + </p> + <p> + This letter did not take me by surprise. Before it was received, and soon + after the first with which she had favored me, by the hands of the + friendly physician, I had begun my preparations with the view to our + clandestine marriage. I was only now required to quicken them. The + obstacle, on the face of it, was, comparatively, a small one. To get her + from a dwelling, in which, though her steps were watched, she was not + exactly a prisoner, was scarcely a difficulty, where the lover and the + lady are equally willing. + </p> + <p> + Our mode of operations was simple. There was a favorite servant—a + negro—who had been raised in the family, had been a playmate with my + poor deceased cousin and myself, and had always been held in particular + regard by both of us. He was not what is called a house-servant, but was + employed in the yard in doing various offices, such as cutting wood, + tending the garden, going of messages, and so forth. This was in the + better days of the Clifford family. Since its downfall he had been + instructed to look an owner, and, opportunely, at this moment, when I was + deliberating upon the process I should adopt for the extrication of his + young mistress, he came to me to request that I would buy him. The + presence of this servant suggested to me that he could assist me + materially in my plans. Without suffering him to know the intention which + I had formed I listened to his garrulous harangue. A negro is usually very + copious, where he has an auditor; and though, from his situation, he could + directly see nothing of the proceedings in the house of his owner, yet, + from his fellow-servants he had contrived to gather, perhaps, a very + correct account of the general condition of things. It appeared from his + story that the attachment of Miss Julia to myself was very commonly + understood. The effort of the mother to persuade her to marry Perkins was + also known to him; but of the arrangement that the marriage should take + place at the early day mentioned in her note, he told me nothing, and, in + all probability, this part of her proceedings was kept a close secret by + the wily dame Peter—the name of the negro—went on to add, + that, loving me, and loving his young mistress, and knowing that we loved + one another, and believing that we should one day be married, he was + anxious to have me for his future owner. + </p> + <p> + “I will buy you, Peter, on one condition.” + </p> + <p> + “Wha's dat, Mas' Ned?” + </p> + <p> + “That you serve me faithfully on trial, for five days, without letting + anybody know who you serve—that you carry my messages without + letting anybody hear them except that person to whom you are sent—and, + if I give you a note to carry, that you carry it safely, not only without + suffering anybody to see the note but the one to whom I send it, but + without suffering anybody to know or suspect that you've got such a thing + as a note about you.” + </p> + <p> + The fellow was all promises; and I penned a billet to Julia which, in few + words, briefly prepared her to expect my attendance at her house at three + in the afternoon of the very day when her nuptials were contemplated. I + then proceeded to a friend—Kingsley—the friend who had served + me in the meeting with Perkins; a bold, dashing, frank fellow, who loved + nothing better than a frolic which worried one of the parties; and who, I + well knew, would relish nothing more than to baffle Perkins in a love + affair, as we had already done in one of strife. To him I unfolded my plan + and craved his assistance, which was promised instantly. My female friend, + the relative of Julia, whose assistance had been already given us, and + whose quarrel with Mrs. Clifford in consequence, had spiced her + determination to annoy her still further whenever occasion offered, was + advised of our plans; and William Edgerton readily undertook what seemed + to be the most innocent part of all, to procure a priest to officiate for + us, at the house of the lady in question, and at the appointed time. + </p> + <p> + My new retainer, Peter, brought me due intelligence of the delivery of the + note, in secret, to Julia, and a verbal answer from her made me sanguine + of success. The day came, and the hour; and in obedience to our plan, my + friend, Kingsley, proceeded boldly to the dwelling of Mrs. Clifford, just + as that lady had taken her seat at the dinner-table, requesting to see and + speak with her on business of importance. The interview was vouchsafed + him, though not until the worthy lady had instructed the servant to say + that she was just then at the dinner-table, and would be glad if the + gentleman would call again. + </p> + <p> + But the gentleman regretted that he could not call again. He was from + Kentucky, desirous of buying slaves, and must leave town the next morning + for the west. The mention of his, occupation, as Mrs. Clifford had slaves + to sell, was sufficient to persuade her to lay down the knife and fork + with promptness; and the servant was bade to show the Kentucky gentleman, + into the parlor. Our arrangement was, that, with the departure of the lady + from the table Julia should leave it also—descend the stairs, and + meet me at the entrance. + </p> + <p> + Trembling almost to fainting, the poor girl came to me, and I received her + into my arms, with something of a tremor also. I felt the prize would be + one that I should be very loath to lose; and joy led to anxiety, and my + anxiety rendered me nervous to a womanly degree. But I did not lose my + composure and when I had taken her into my arms, I thought it would be + only a prudent precaution to turn the key in the outer dour, and leave it + somewhere along the highway. This I did, absolutely forgetting, that, in + thus securing myself against any sudden pursuit, I had also locked up my + friend, the Kentucky trader. + </p> + <p> + Fortune favored our movements. Our preparations had been properly laid, + and Edgerton had the divine in waiting. In less than half an hour after + leaving the house of her parents, Julia and myself stood up to be married. + Pale, feeble, sad—the poor girl, though she felt no reluctance, and + suffered not the most momentary remorse for the steps she had taken, and + was about to take, was yet necessarily and naturally impressed with the + solemnity and the doubts which hung over the event. Young, timid, artless, + apprehensive, she was unsupported by those whom nature had appointed to + watch over and protect her; and though they had neglected, and would have + betrayed their trust, she yet could not but feel that there was an + incompleteness about the affair, which, not even the solemn accents of the + priest, the deep requisitions of those pledges which she was called upon + to make, and the evident conviction which she now entertained, that what + had been done was necessary to be done, for her happiness, and even her + life—could entirely remove. There was an awful but sweet earnestness + in the sad, intense glance of entreaty, with which she regarded me when I + made the final response. Her large black eye dilated, even under the dewy + suffusion of its tears, as it seemed to say:— + </p> + <p> + “It is to you now—to you alone—that I look for that + protection, that happiness which was denied where I had best right to look + for it. Ah! let me not look, let me not yield myself to you in vain!” + </p> + <p> + How imploring, yet how resigned was that glance of tears—love in + tears, yet love that trusted without fear! It was the embodiment of + innocence, struggling between hope and doubt, and only strengthened for + the future by the pure, sweet faith which grew out of their conflict. I + look back upon that scene, I recall that glance, with a sinking of the + heart which is full of terror and terrible reproach. Ah! then, then, I had + no fear, no thought, that I should see that look, and others, more sad, + more imploring still, and see them without a corresponding faith and love! + I little knew, in that brief, blessed hour, how rapidly the blindness of + the heart comes on, even as the scale over the eyes—but such a scale + as no surgeon's knife can cut away. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. — BAFFLED FURY. + </h2> + <p> + In the first gush of my happiness—the ceremony being completed, and + the possession of my treasure certain—I had entirely forgotten my + Kentucky friend, whom I had locked up, in confidential TETE-A-TETE with + madam, my exemplary mother-in-law. He was a fellow with a strong dash of + humor, and could not resist the impulse to amuse himself at the expense of + the lady, by making an admirable scene of the proceeding. He began the + business by stating that he had heard she had several negroes whom she + wished to sell—that he was anxious to buy—he did not care how + many, and would give the very best prices of any trader in the market. At + his desire, all were summoned in attendance—some three or four in + number, that she had to dispose of—all but the worthy Peter, who, + under existing circumstances, was quite too necessary to my proceedings to + be dispensed with. These were all carefully examined by the trader. They + were asked their ages, their names, their qualities; whether they were + willing to go to Kentucky, the paradise of the western Indian, and so + forth—all those questions which, in ordinary cases, it is the custom + of the purchaser to ask. They were, then dismissed, and the Kentuckian + next discussed with the lady the subject of prices. But let the worthy + fellow speak for himself:— + </p> + <p> + “I was so cursed anxious,” he said, “to know whether you had got off and + in safety, for I was beginning to get monstrous tired of the old cat, that + I jumped up every now and then to take a peep out of the front window. I + made an excuse to spit on such occasions—though sometimes I forgot + to do so—and then I would go back and begin again, with something + about the bargain and the terms, and whether the negroes were honest, and + sound, and all that. Well, though I looked out as often as I well could + with civility, I saw nothing of you, and began to fear that something had + happened to unsettle the whole plan; but, after a while, I saw Peter, with + his mouth drawn back and hooked up into his ears, with his white teeth + glimmering like so many slips of moonshine in a dark night, and I then + concluded that all was as it should be. But seeing me look out so + earnestly and often, the good lady at length said:— + </p> + <p> + “'I suppose, sir, your horses are in waiting. Perhaps you'd like to have a + servant to mind them.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, ma'am, I'm obliged to you; but I left the hotel on foot.' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, sir,' said she, 'but I thought it might be your horses seeing you + so often look out.' + </p> + <p> + “I could scarcely keep in my laughter. It did burst out into a sort of + chuckle; and, as you were then safe—I knew THAT from Peter's jaws—I + determined to have my own fun out of the old woman. So I said—pretty + much in this sort of fashion, for I longed to worry her, and knew just how + it could be done handsomest—I said:— + </p> + <p> + “'The truth is, ma'am—pardon me for the slight—but really I + was quite interested—struck, as I may say, by a very suspicious + transaction that met my eyes a while ago, when I first got up to spit from + the window.' + </p> + <p> + “'Ah, indeed, sir! and pray, if I may ask, what was it you saw?' + </p> + <p> + “'Really very curious; but getting up to spit, and looking out before I + did so—necessary caution, ma'am—some persons might be just + under the window, you know—' + </p> + <p> + “'Yes, sir, yes.' The old creature began to look and talk mighty eager. + </p> + <p> + “'An ugly habit, ma'am—that of spitting. We Kentuckians carry it to + great excess. Foreigners, I'm told, count it monstrous vulgar—effect + of tobacco-chewing, ma'am—a deuced bad habit, I grant you, but 'tis + a habit, and there's no leaving it off, even if we would. I don't think + Kentuckians, as a people, a bit more vulgar than English, or French, or + Turks, or any other respectable people of other countries.' + </p> + <p> + “'No, sir, certainly not; but the transaction—what you saw.' + </p> + <p> + “Ah yes! beg pardon; but, as I was saying, something really quite + suspicious! Just as I was about to spit, when I went to the window, some + ten minutes ago—perhaps you did not observe, but I did not spit. + Good reason for it, ma'am—might have done mischief.” + </p> + <p> + “How, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah that brings me to the question I want to ask: any handsome young + ladies living about here, ma'am?—here, in your neighborood?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, yes, sir,” answered the old tabby, with something like surprise; + “there's several—there's the Masons, just opposite: the Bagbys, next + door to them below, and Mr. Wilford's daughter: all of them would be + considered pretty by some persons. On the same side with us, there's Mrs. + Freeman and her two daughters, but the widow is accounted by many the + youngest looking and prettiest of the whole, though, to my thinking, + that's saying precious little for any. Next door to us is a Mr. and Mrs. + Gibbs, who have a daughter, and she IS rather pretty, but I don't know + much about them. It might be a mother's vanity, sir, but I think I may be + proud of having a daughter myself, who is about as pretty as any of the + best among them; and that's saying a great deal less for her than might be + said.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, indeed—you a daughter, ma'am? But she is not grown-up, of + course—a mere child?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I beg your pardon, sir, said the old creature, tickled up to the + eyes, and looking at me with the sweetest smiles; though it may surprise + you very much, she is not only no child, but a woman grown; and, what's + more, I think she will be made a wife this very night.” + </p> + <p> + “Egad, then I suspect she's not the only one that's about to be made a + wife of. I suspect some one of these young ladies, your neighbors, will be + very soon in the same condition.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, sir—pray, who?—how do you know? and the old tabby + edged herself along the sofa until she almost got jam up beside me.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, said I, I don't KNOW exactly, but I'm deucedly suspicious of it, + and, more than that, there's some underhand work going on.” + </p> + <p> + This made her more curious than ever; and her hands and feet, and indeed + her whole body, got such a fidgeting, that I fancied she began to think of + getting St. Vitus for a bedfellow. Her eagerness made her ask me two or + three times what made me think so; and, seeing her anxiety, I purposely + delayed in order to worry her. I wished to see how far I could run her up. + When I did begin to explain, I went to work in a round-about way enough—something + thus, old Kentuck—as I began: “Well, ma'am, this tobacco-chewing, as + I said before, carried me, as you witnessed, constantly to the window. I + don't know that I chew more than many others, but I know I chew too much + for my good, and for decency, too, ma'am.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, yes; but the young lady, and—” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, yes, ma'am. Well, then, going to the window once, twice, or thrice, I + could not help but see a young man standing beneath it, evidently in + waiting—very earnest, very watchful—seemingly very much + interested and anxious, as if waiting for somebody.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it possible?” whispered the tabby, full of expectation. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, very possible, ma'am—very true.” There he stood; I could even + hoar his deep-drawn sighs—deep, long, as if from the very bottom of + his heart.' + </p> + <p> + “Was he so VERY near, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Just under the window—going to and fro—very anxious. I was + almost afraid I had spit on him, he looked up so hard—so—” + </p> + <p> + “What, sir, up at you? at—at MY windows, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “Not exactly, ma'am, that was only my notion, for I thought I might have + spit upon him, and so wakened his anger; but, indeed, he looked all about + him, as, indeed, it was natural that he should, you know, if he meditated + anything that wa'n't exactly right. There was a carriage in waiting—a + close carriage—not a hundred yards below, and—” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, sir, do tell me what sort of a looking young gentleman was it—eh?” + </p> + <p> + “Good-looking fellow enough, ma'am—rather tall, slenderish, but not + so slender—wore a black frock.” By this time the old creature was up + at the window—her long, skinny neck stretched out as far as it could + go. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” said I, “ma'am, you're quite too late, if you expect to see the + sport. They're off; I saw the last of them when I took my last spit from + the window. They were then—” + </p> + <p> + “But, sir, did he—did you say that this person—the person you + spit on—carried a young lady away with him?” + </p> + <p> + “You mistake me, ma'am—” + </p> + <p> + “Ah”—she drew a mighty long breath as if relieved. + </p> + <p> + “I did NOT spit upon him; I only came near doing it once or twice. If I + hadn't looked, I should very probably have divided my quid pretty equally + between both of them.” + </p> + <p> + “Both! both!” she almost screamed. “Did she go with him, then?—was + there in truth a young woman?” + </p> + <p> + “You never saw a creature in such a tearing fidget. Her long nose was + nearly stuck into my face, and both her hands, all claws extended, seemed + ready for my cheeks. I felt a little ticklish, I assure you; but I kept up + my courage, determined to see the game out, and answered very + deliberately, after I had put a fresh quid into my jaws:—” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, that she did, ma'am, and seemed deuced glad to go, as was natural + enough. A mighty pretty girl she was, too; rather thin, but pretty enough + to tempt a clever fellow to do anything. I reckon they're nigh on to being + man and wife by this time, let the old people say what they will.” + </p> + <p> + “But the old put didn't wait to hear me say all this. Before the words + were well out of my mouth, she gave a bounce, to the bell-rope first—I + thought she'd ha' jerked it to pieces—and then to the head of the + stairs.” + </p> + <p> + “Excuse me for a moment, sir, if you please,” she said, in a considerable + fidget. + </p> + <p> + “Certainly, ma'am,” says I, with a great Kentucky sort of bow and natural + civility; and then I could hear her squalling from the head of the stairs, + and at the top of her voice, “Julia! Julia! Julia!”—but there was no + answer from Julia. Then came the servants; then came the outcry; then she + bounced back into the parlor, and blazed out at me for not telling her at + once that it was her daughter who had been carried off, without making so + long a story of it, and putting in so much talk about tobacco. + </p> + <p> + “Lord bless you, my dear woman!” says I, “innocent enough, was that pretty + girl your daughter? That accounts for the fellow looking up at the window + so often; and I to fancy that it was all because I might have given him a + quid!” + </p> + <p> + “You must have seen her THEN!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, ma'am,” said I, “I must come again about the negroes. I see you've + got your hands full.” + </p> + <p> + “And, with that, I pushed down stairs, while she blazed out at her + husband, whom she called an old fool; and me, whom she called a young one; + and the negroes, whom she ordered to fly in a hundred ways in the same + breath; and, to make matters worse, she seized her hat and shawl, and + bounced down the steps after me. Here we were in a fix again, that made + her a hundred times more furious. The street-door was locked on the + outside, and the key gone, and I fastened up with the old mad tabby. I + tried to stand it while the servants were belaboring to break open, but + the storm was too heavy, and, raising a sash, I went through: and, in good + faith, I believe she bounced through after me; for, when I got fairly into + the street and looked round, there she went, bounce, flounce, pell-mell, + all in a rage, steam up, puffing like a porpoise—though, thank + Jupiter! she took another course from myself. I was glad to get out of her + clutches, I assure you.” + </p> + <p> + Such was Kingsley's account of his expedition, told in his particular + manner; and endued with the dramatic vitality which he was well able to + give it, it was inimitable. It needs but a few words to finish it. Mrs. + Clifford, with unerring instinct, made her way to the house of that + friendly lady who had assisted our proceedings. But she came too late for + anything but abuse. Julia was irrevocably mine. Bitter was the clamor + which, in our chamber, assailed us from below. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Edward, how shall I meet her?” was the convulsive speech of Julia, as + she heard the fearful sounds of her mother's voice—a voice never + very musical, and which now, stimulated by unmeasured rage—the rage + of a baffled and wicked woman—poured forth a torrent of screams + rather than of human accents. We soon heard the rush of the torrent up + stairs, and in the direction of our chamber. + </p> + <p> + “Fear nothing, Julia; her power over you is now at an end. You are now + mine—mine only—mine irrevocably!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, she is still my mother!” gasped the lovely trembler in my arms. A + moment more, and the old lady was battering at the door. I had locked it + within. Her voice, husky but subdued, now called to her daughter— + </p> + <p> + “Julia! Julia! Julia!—come out!” + </p> + <p> + “Who is there? what do you want?” I demanded. I was disposed to keep her + out, but Julia implored me to open the door. She had really no strength to + reply to the summons of the enraged woman; and her entreaty to me was + expressed in a whisper which scarcely filled my own ears. She was weak + almost to fainting. I trembled lest her weakness, coupled with her fears, + and the stormy scene that I felt might be reasonably anticipated, would be + too much for her powers of endurance. I hesitated. She put her hand on my + wrist. + </p> + <p> + “For my sake, Edward, let her in. Let her see me. We will have to meet + her, and better now—now, when I feel all the solemnity of my new + position, and while the pledges I have just made are most present to my + thoughts. Do not fear for me. I am weak and very feeble, but I am + resolute. I feel that I am not wrong.” + </p> + <p> + She could scarcely gasp out these brief sentences. I urged her not to risk + her strength in the interview. + </p> + <p> + “As you love me, do as I beg you,” she replied, with entreating + earnestness. “It does not become me to keep my mother, under any + circumstances, thus waiting at the door, and asking entrance.” + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, the clamors of Mrs. Clifford were continued. Julia's aunt was + there also, and the controversy was hot and heavy between them. Annoyed as + I was, and apprehensive for Julia. I yet could not forbear laughing at the + ludicrousness of my position and the whole scene. I began to think, from + the equal violence of the two ancient dames without, that they might + finally get to blows. This was also the fear of Julia, and another reason + why we should throw open the door. I at length did so; and soon had the + doubtful satisfaction of transferring to myself all the wrath of the + disappointed mother. She rushed in, the moment the door turned upon its + hinges, almost upsetting me in the violence of her onset. Bounding into + the apartment with a fury that was utterly beyond her own control, I was + led to fear that she might absolutely inflict violence upon her daughter, + who by this time had sunk, in equal terror and exhaustion, upon a sofa in + the remotest corner of the room. I hastily placed myself between them, and + did not scruple, with extended hands, to maintain a safe interval of space + between the two. I will not attempt to describe the tigress rage or the + shrieking violence which ensued on the part of this veteran termagant. It + was only closed at length, when, Julia having fainted under the storm, + dead to all appearance, I picked up the assailant VI ET ARMIS, and, in + defiance of screams and scratches—for she did not spare the use of + her talons—resolutely transported her from the chamber. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. — ONE DEBT PAID. + </h2> + <p> + Staggering forward under this burden—a burden equally active and + heavy—who should I encounter at the head of the stairs, but the + liege lord of the lady—my poor imbecile uncle. As soon as she beheld + him—foaming and almost unintelligible in her rage—she screamed + for succor—cried “murder” “rape,” “robbery,” and heaven knows what + besides. A moment before, though she scratched and scuffled to the utmost, + she had not employed her lungs. A momentary imprecation alone had broken + from her, as it were, perforce and unavoidably. Now, nothing could exceed + the stentorian tumult which her tongue maintained. She called upon her + husband to put me to death—to tear me in pieces—to do anything + and everything for the punishing of so dreadful an offender as myself. In + thus commanding him, she did not forbear uttering her own unmeasured + opinion of the demerits of the man whose performances she required. + </p> + <p> + “If you had the spirit of a man, Clifford—if you were not a poor + shoat—you'd never have submitted so long as you have to this viper's + insolence. And there you stand, doing nothing—absolutely still as a + stock, though you see him beating your wife. Ah! you monster!—you + coward!—that I should ever have married a man that wasn't able to + protect me.” + </p> + <p> + This is a sufficient sample of her style, and not the worst. I am + constrained to confess that some portions of the good lady's language + would better have suited the modes of speech common enough among the + Grecian housekeepers at the celebration of the Eleusinian mysteries. I + have omitted not a few of the bad words, and forborne the repetition of + that voluminous eloquence poured out, after the Billingsgate fashion, + equally upon myself, her daughter, and husband. During the vituperation + she still kicked and scuffled; my face suffered, and my eyes narrowly + escaped. But I grasped her firmly; and when her husband, my worthy uncle, + in obedience to her orders, sprang upon me, with the bludgeon which he now + habitually carried, I confronted him with the lusty person of his spouse, + and regret to say, that the first thwack intended for my shoulders, + descended with some considerable emphasis upon hers. This increased her + fury, and redoubled her screams. But it did not lessen my determination, + or make me change my mode of proceeding. I resolutely pushed her before + me. The husband stood at the head of the stairs and my object was to carry + her down to the lower story. The stairs were narrow, and by keeping up a + good watch, I contrived to force him to give ground, using his spouse as a + sort of battering-RAM—not to perpetrate a pun at the expense of the + genders—which, I happened to know, had always been successful in + making him give ground on all previous occasions. His habitual deference + for the dame, assisted me in my purpose. Step by step, however, he + disputed my advance; but I was finally successful; without any injury + beyond that which had been inflicted by the talons of the fair lady, and + perhaps a single and slight stroke upon the shoulder from the club of her + husband, I succeeded in landing her upon the lower flat in safety. Beyond + a squeeze or two, which the exigency of the case made something more + affectionate than any I should have been otherwise pleased to bestow upon + her, she suffered no hurt at my hands. + </p> + <p> + But, though willing to release her, she was not so willing herself to be + released. When I set her free, she flew at me with cat-like intrepidity; + and I found her a much more difficult customer than her husband. Him I + soon baffled. A moment sufficed to grapple with him and wrench the stick + from his hands, and then, with a moderate exercise of agility, I contrived + to spring up the stairway which I had just descended, regain the chamber, + and secure the door, before they could overtake or annoy me with their + further movements. My wife's aunt, meanwhile, had been busy with her + restoratives. Julia was now recovering from the fainting fit; and I had + the satisfaction of hearing from one of the servants that the baffled + enemy had gone off in a fury that made their departure seem a flight + rather than a mere retreat. + </p> + <p> + I should have treated the whole event with indifference—their rage + and their regard equally—but for my suffering and sensitive wife. + Wronged as she had been, and so persecuted as to render all her subsequent + conduct justifiable, she yet forgot none of her filial obligations; and, + in compliance with her earnest entreaties, I had already, the very day + after this conflict, prepared an elaborate and respectful epistle to both + father and mother, when an event took place of startling solemnity, which + was calculated to subdue my anger, and make the feelings of my wife, if + possible, more accessible than ever to the influences of fear and sorrow. + Only three days from our marriage had elapsed, when her father was + stricken speechless in the street. He was carried home for dead. I have + already hinted that, months before, and just after the threatened + discovery of those fraudulent measures by which he lost his fortune, his + mind had become singularly enfeebled; his memory failing, and all his + faculties of judgment—never very strong—growing capricious, or + else obtuse and unobserving. These were the symptoms of a rapid physical + change, the catastrophe of which was at hand. How far the excitement + growing out of his daughter's flight and marriage may have precipitated + this result, is problematical. It may be said, in this place, that my + wife's mother charged it all to my account. I was pronounced the murderer + of her husband. On this head I did not reproach myself. It was necessary, + however, that a reconciliation should take place between the father and + his child. To this I had, of course, no sort of objection. But it will + scarce be believed that the miserable woman, her mother, opposed herself + to their meeting with the utmost violence of her character. Nothing but + the outcry of the family and all its friends—including the excellent + physician whose secret services had contributed so much toward my + happiness—compelled her to give way, though still ungraciously, to + the earnest entreaty of her daughter for permission to see her father + before he died! and even then, by the death-bed of the unhappy and almost + unconscious man, she recommenced the scene of abuse and bitter reproach, + which, however ample the reader and hearer may have already found it, it + appears she had left unfinished. It was in the midst of a furious tirade, + directed against myself, chiefly, and Julia, in part, that the spasms of + death, unperceived by the mother, passed over the contracted muscles of + the father's face. The bitter speech of the blind woman—blind of + heart—was actually finished after death had given the final blow to + the victim. Of this she had no suspicion, until instructed by the piercing + shrieks of her daughter, who fell swooning upon the corse before her. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XV. — HONEYMOON PERIOD. + </h2> + <p> + It was supposed by Julia and certain of her friends that an event so + solemn, so impressive, and so unexpected, as the death of Mr. Clifford, + would reasonably affect the mind of his widow; and the concessions which I + had meditated to address to herself and her late husband were now so + varied as to apply solely to herself. I took considerable pains in + preparing my letter, with the view to soften her prejudices and + asperities, as well as to convince her reason. There was one suggestion + which Julia was disposed to insist on, to which, however, I was singularly + averse. In the destitution of Mrs. Clifford, her diminished and still + diminishing resources, not to speak of her loneliness, she thought that I + ought to tender her a home with us. Had she been any other than the + captious, cross-grained creature that she was—bad her misfortunes + produced only in part their legitimate and desirable effects of subduing + her perversity—I should have had no sort of objection. But I knew + her imperious and unreasonable nature; and I may here add, that, by this + time, I knew something of my own: I was a man of despotic character. The + constant conflicts which I had had from boyhood, resulting as they had + done in my frequent successes and final triumph, had, naturally enough, + made me dictatorial. Sanguine in temperament, earnest in character, + resolute in impulse, I was necessarily arbitrary in mood. It was not + likely that Mrs. Clifford would forget her waywardnesses, and it was just + as unreasonable that I should submit to her insolences. Besides, one's + home ought to be a very sacred place. It is necessary that the peace there + should compensate and console for the strifes without. To hope for this in + any household where there is more than one master, would bo worse than + idle. Nay, even if there were peace, the chances are still great that + there would be some lack of propriety. Domestic regulations would become + inutile. Children and servants would equally fail of duty and improvement + under conflicting authorities; and all the sweet social harmonies of + family would be jarred away by misunderstandings if not bickerings, + leading to coldness, suspicion, and irremediable jealousies. These things + seemed to threaten me from the first moment when Julia submitted to me her + desire that her mother should be invited to take up her abode with us. I + reasoned with her against it; suggested all the grounds of objection which + I really felt; and reviewed at length the long history of our connection + from my childhood up, which had been distinguished by her constant + hostility and hate. “How,” I asked, “can it be hoped that there will be + any change for the better now? She is the same woman, I the same man! It + is not reasonable to think that the result of our reunion will be other + than it has been.” But Julia implored. + </p> + <p> + “I know what you say is reasonable—is just; but, dear Edward, she is + my mother, and she is alone.” + </p> + <p> + I yielded to her wishes. Could I else? My letter to her mother concluded + with a respectful entreaty that she would take apartments in our dwelling, + and a chair at our table, and lessen, to this extent, the expenses of her + own establishment. + </p> + <p> + “What!” exclaimed the frenzied woman to Julia's aunt, to whom the charge + of presenting the communication was committed—“what! eat the bread + of that insolent and ungrateful wretch? Never! never!” + </p> + <p> + She flung the epistle from her with disdain; and, to confess a truth, + though, on Julia's account, I should have wished a reconciliation, I was + by no means sorry, on my own, that such was her ultimatum. I gave myself + little further concern about this foolish person, and was happy to see + that in a short time my wife appeared to recover from the sadness and + stupor which the death of her father and the temper of her mother had + naturally induced. The truth is, she had, for so long a period previously + to her marriage, suffered from the persecutions of the latter, and moaned + over the shame and imbecility of the former, that her present situation + was one of great relief, and, for a while, of comparative happiness. + </p> + <p> + We lived in a pleasant cottage in the suburbs. A broad and placid lake + spread out before our dwelling; and its tiny billows, under the pressure + of the sweet southwestern breezes, beat almost against our very doors. + Green and shady groves environed us on three sides, and sheltered us from + the intrusive gaze of the highway; and never was a brighter collection of + flowers and blossoms clustered around any habitation of hope and happiness + before. I rented the cottage on moderate terms, and furnished it neatly, + but simply, as became my resources. All things considered, the prospect + was fair and promising before us. Julia had few toils, and ample leisure + for painting and music, for both of which she had considerable taste; for + the former art, in particular, she possessed no small talent. + </p> + <p> + Our city, indeed, seemed one peculiarly calculated for these arts. Our sky + was blue—deeply, beautifully blue; our climate mild and delightful. + Our people were singularly endowed with the genius for graceful and + felicitous performances. Music was an ordinary attribute of the great + mass; and in no community under the sun was there such an overflow of + talent in painting and sculpture. It was the grand error of our wise heads + to fancy that our city could be made one of great trade; and, in a vain + struggle to give it some commercial superiority over its neighbor + communities, the wealth of the people was thrown away upon projects that + yielded nothing; and the arts were left neglected in a region which might + have been made—and might still be made—if not exclusively, at + least pre-eminently their own. The ordinary look of the women was beauty, + the ordinary accent was sweetness. The soft moonlight evenings were + rendered doubly harmonious by the tender tinkling of the wandering guitar, + or the tones of the plaintive flute; while, from every third dwelling, + rose the more stately but scarcely sweeter melodies stricken by pliant + fingers from the yielding soul of the divine piano. The tastes even of the + mechanic were refined by this language, the purest In which passion ever + speaks; and an ambition—the result of the highest tone of + aristocratic influence upon society—prompted his desires to purposes + and a position to which in other regions he is not often permitted to + aspire. These influences were assisted by the peculiar location of our + city—by its suburban freedom from all closeness; its innumerable + gardens, the appanage of every household; its piazzas, verandahs, porches; + its broad and minstrel-wooing rivers; and the majestic and evergreen + forests, which grew and gathered around us on every hand. If ever there + was a city intended by nature more particularly than another for the + abodes and the offices of art, it was ours. It will become so yet: the + mean, money-loving soul of trade can not always keep it from its + destinies. We may never see it in our day; but so surely as we live, and + as it shall live, will it become an Athens in our land—a city of + empire by the sea, renowned for genius and taste—and the chosen + retreat of muses, younger and more vigorous, and not less lovely, than the + old! + </p> + <p> + Julia was in a very high degree impregnated with the taste and desire for + art which seemed so generally the characteristic of our people. I speak + not now of the degree of skill which she possessed. Her teacher was a + foreigner, and a mere mechanic; but, while he taught her only the ordinary + laws of painting, her natural endowment wrought more actively in favor of + her performances. She soon discovered how much she could learn from the + little which her teacher knew; and when she made this discovery, she + ceased to have any use for his assistance. Books, the study of the old + masters, and such of the new as were available to her, served her + infinitely more in the prosecution of her efforts; and these I stimulated + by all means in my power: for I esteemed her natural endowments to be very + high, and very well knew how usual it is for young ladies, after marriage, + to give up those tastes and accomplishments which had distinguished and + heightened their previous charms. It was quite enough that I admired the + art, and tasked her to its pursuit, to make her cling to it with alacrity + and love. We wandered together early in the morning and at the coming on + of evening, over all the sweet, enticing scenes which were frequent in our + suburbs. Environed by two rivers, wide and clear, with deep forests beyond—a + broad bay opening upon the sea in front—lovely islands of gleaming + sand, strewn at pleasant intervals, seeming, beneath the transparent + moonlight, the chosen places of retreat for naiads from the deep and + fairies from the grove—there was no lack of objects to delight the + eye and woo the pencil to its performances. Besides, never was blue sky, + and gold-and-purple sunset, more frequent, more rich, more shifting in its + shapes and colors, from beauty to superior beauty, than in our latitude. + The eye naturally turned up to it with a sense of hunger; the mind + naturally felt the wish to record such hues and aspects for the use of + venerating love; and the eager spirit, beginning to fancy the vision + wrought according to its own involuntary wish, seemed spontaneously to cry + aloud, in the language of the artist, on whom the consciousness of genius + was breaking with a sun-burst for the first time, “I, too, am a painter!” + </p> + <p> + Julia's studio was soon full of beginnings. Fragmentary landscapes were + all about her. Like most southrons, she did not like to finish. There is + an impatience of toil—of its duration at least—in the southern + mind, which leaves it too frequently unperforming. This is a natural + characteristic of an excitable people. People easily moved are always + easily diverted from their objects. People of very vivid fancy are also + very capricious. There is yet another cause for the non-performance of the + southern mind—its fastidiousness. In a high state of social + refinement, the standards of taste become so very exacting, that the mind + prefers not to attempt, rather than to offend that critical judgment which + it feels to be equally active in its analysis and rigid in its + requisitions. Genius and ambition must be independent of such restraints. + “Be bold, be bold, be bold!” is the language of encouragement in Spenser; + and when he says, at the end, “Be not too bold,” we are to consider the + qualification as simply a quiet caution not to allow proper courage to + rush into rashness and insane license. The GENIUS that suffers itself to + be fettered by the PRECISE, will perhaps learn how to polish marble, but + will never make it live, and will certainly never live very long itself! + </p> + <p> + With books and music, painting and flowers, we passed the happy moments of + the honeymoon. I yielded as little of myself and my mind to my office and + clients, in that period, as I possibly could. My cottage was my paradise. + My habits, as might be inferred from my history, were singularly domestic. + Doomed, as I had been, from my earliest years, to know neither friends nor + parents; isolated, in my infancy, from all those tender ties which impress + upon the heart, for all succeeding years, tokens of the most endearing + affection; denied the smiles of those who yet filled my constant sight—my + life was a long yearning for things of love—for things to love! + While the struggle continued between Julia's parents and myself, though + confiding in her love, I had yet no confidence in my own hope to realize + and to secure it. Now that it was mine—mine, at last—I grew + uxorious in its contemplation. Like the miser, I had my treasure at home, + and I hastened home to survey it with precisely the same doubts, and + hopes, and fears, which the disease of avarice prompts in the unhappy + heart of its victim To this disease, in chief, I have to attribute all my + future sorrows; but the time is not yet for that. It is my joys now that I + have to contemplate and describe. How I dwelt, and how I dreamed! how I + seemed to tread on air, in the unaccustomed fullness of my spirit! how my + whole soul, given up to the one pursuit, I fondly fancied had secured its + object! I fancied—nay, for the time, I was happy! Surely, I was + happy! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. — THE HAPPY SEASON. + </h2> + <p> + Surely, I then was happy! I can not deceive myself as to the character of + those brief Eden moments of security and peace. Even now, lone as I appear + in the sight of others—degraded as I feel myself—even now I + look back on our low white cottage, by the shores of that placid lake—its + little palings gleaming sweetly through its dense green foliage—recall + those happy, halcyon days, and feel that we both, for the time, had + attained the secret—the secret worth all the rest—of an + enjoyment actually felt, and quite as full, flush, and satisfactory, as it + had seemed in the perspective. Possession had taken nothing of the gusto + from hope. Truth had not impaired a single beauty of the ideal. I looked + in Julia's face at morning when I awakened, and her loveliness did not + fade. My lips, that drank sweetness from hers, did not cease to believe + the sweetness to be there—as pure, as warm, as full of richness, as + when I had only dreamed of their perfections. Our days and nights were + pure, and gentle, and fond. One twenty-four hours shall speak for all. + </p> + <p> + When we rose at morning, we prepared for a ramble, either into the woods, + or along the banks of the lovely river that lay west of, and at a short + distance only from, our dwelling. There, wandering, as the sun rose, we + imparted to each other's eyes the several objects of beauty which his + rising glance betrayed. Sometimes we sat beneath a tree, while she + hurriedly sketched a clump of woods, the winding turn of the shore, its + occasional crescent form or abrupt headland, as they severally appeared in + a new light, and at a happy moment of time, beneath our vision. The songs + of pleasant birds allured us on; the sweet scent of pines and myrtle + refreshed us; and a gay, wholesome, hearty spirit was awakened in our + mutual bosoms, as thus, day after day, while, like the d&y, our hearts + were in their first youth, we resorted to the ever-fresh mansions of the + sovereign Nature. This habit produces purity of feeling, and continues the + habit in its earliest simplicity. The childlike laws which it encourages + and strengthens are those which virtue most loves, and which strained + forms of society are the first to overthrow. The pure tastes of youth are + those which are always most dear to humanity; and love is easy of access, + and peace not often a stranger to the mind, where these tastes preserve + their ascendency. + </p> + <p> + My profession was something at variance with these tastes and feelings. + The very idea of law, which presupposes the frequent occurrence of + injustice, engenders, by its practice, a habit of suspicion. To throw + doubt upon the fact, and defeat and prevent convictions of the probable, + are habits which lawyers soon acquire. This is natural from the daily + encounter with bad and striving men—men who employ the law as an + instrument by which to evade right, or inflict wrong; and, this apart, the + acute mind loves, for its own sake, the very exercise of doubt, by which + ingenuity is put in practice, and an adroit discrimination kept constantly + at work. + </p> + <p> + I was saved, however, from something of this danger. The injustice which I + had been subjected to, in my own boyhood, had filled me with the keenest + love for the right. The idea of injustice aroused my sternest feelings of + resistance. I had adopted the law as a profession with something of a + patriotic feeling. I felt that I could make it an instrument for putting + down the oppressor, the wrong-doer—for asserting right, and + maintaining innocence! I had my admiration, too, at that period, of that + logical astuteness, that wonderful tenacity of hold and pursuit, and + discrimination of attribute and subject, which distinguish this profession + beyond all others, and seem to confirm the assumption made in its behalf, + by which it has been declared the perfection of human reason. It will not + be subtracting anything from this estimate, if I express my conviction, + founded upon my own experience, that, though such may be the character of + the law as an abstract science, it deserves no such encomium as it is + ordinarily practised. Lawyers are too commonly profound only in the + technicalities of the profession; and a very keen study and acquaintance + with these—certainly a too great reliance upon them, and upon the + dicta of other lawyers—leads to a dreadful departure from elementary + principles, and a most woful (sic) disregard, if not ignorance, of those + profounder sources of knowledge without which laws multiply at the expense + of reason, and not in support of it; and lawyers may be compared to those + ignorant captains to whom good ships are intrusted, who rely upon + continual sounding to grope their way along the accustomed shores. Let + them once leave the shores, and get beyond the reach of their plummets, + and the good ship must owe its safety to fortune and the favor of the + winds, for further skill is none. + </p> + <p> + I did not find the practice of the law affect my taste for domestic + pleasures; on the contrary, it stimulated and preserved them. After + toiling a whole morning in the courts, it was a sweet reprieve to be + allowed to hurry off to my quiet cottage, and hear the one dear voice of + my household, and examine the quiet pictures. These never stunned me with + clamors; I was never pestered by them to determine the meum et tuum + between noisy disputants, neither of whom is exactly right. There, my eye + could repose on the sweetest scenes—scenes of beauty and + freshness-the shady verdure of the woods, the rich variety of flowers, and + pure, calm, transparent waters, hallowed by the meek glances of the matron + moon. No creature could have been more gentle than my wife. She met me + with a composed smile, equally bright and meek. I never heard a complaint + from her lips. The evils of which other men complain—the complaints + about servants, scoldings about delay or dinner—never reached my + ears. The kindest solicitude that, in my fatigue, or amid the toils of a + business of which wives can know little, and for which they make too + little allowance, there should be nothing at home to make me irritable or + give me disquiet, distinguished equally her sense and her affection. If it + became her duty to communicate any unpleasant intelligence—any + tidings which might awaken anger or impatience—she carefully waited + foi the proper time, when the excitement of my blood was overcome, and + repose of blood and brain had naturally brought about a kindred composure + of mind. + </p> + <p> + Our afternoons were usually spent in the shade of the garden or piazza. + Sometimes, I sat by her while she was sketching. At others, she helped me + to dress and train my garden-vines. Now and then we renewed our rambles of + the morning, heedfully observing the different aspects of the same scenes + and object, which had then delighted us, under the mellowing smiles of the + sun at its decline. With books, music, and chess, our evenings passed away + without our consciousness; and day melted into night, and night departed + and gave place to the new-born day, as quietly as if life had, in truth, + become to us a great instrument of harmony, which bore us over the smooth + seas of Time, to the gentle beating of fairy and unseen minstrelsy. Truly, + then, we were two happy children. The older children of this world, + stimulated by stronger tastes and more lofty indulgences, may smile at the + infantile simplicity of such resources and modes of enjoyment. They were + childish, but perhaps not the less wise for that. Infancy lies very near + to heaven. Childhood is a not unfit study for angels; and happy were it + for us could we maintain the hearts and the hopes of that innocent period + for a longer day within our bosoms. In our world we grow too fast, too + presumptuously. We live on too rich food, moral and intellectual. The + artifices of our tastes prove most fatally the decline of our reason. But, + for us—we two linked hearts, so segregated from all beside—we + certainly lived the lives of children for a while. But we were not to live + thus always. In some worldly respects, <i>I</i> was still a child: I cared + little for its pomps, its small honors, its puny efforts, its tinselly + displays. But I had vices of mind—vices of my own—sufficient + to embitter the social world where all seems now so sweet—where all, + in truth, WAS sweet, and pure, and worthy—and which might, under + other circumstances, have been kept so to the last. I am now to describe a + change! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0017" id="link2HCH0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. — THE EVIL PRINCIPLE. + </h2> + <p> + Heretofore, I have spoken of the blind hearts of others—of Mr. + Clifford and his wilful wife—I have yet said little to show the + blindness of my own. This task is now before me, and, with whatever + reluctance, the exhibition shall resolutely be made. I have described a + couple newly wed—eminently happy—blessed with tolerable + independence—resources from without and within—dwelling in the + smiles of Heaven, and not uncheered by the friendly countenance of man. I + am to display the cloud, which hangs small at first, a mere speck, but + which is to grow to a gloomy tempest that is to swallow up the loveliness + of the sky, and blacken with gloom and sorrow the fairest aspects of the + earth. I am to show the worm in the bud which is to bring blight—the + serpent in the garden which is to spoil the Eden. Wo, beyond all other + woes, that this serpent should be engendered in one's own heart, producing + its blindness, and finally working its bane! Yet, so it is! The story is a + painful one to tell; the task is one of self-humiliation. But the truth + may inform others—may warn, may strengthen, may save—before + their hearts shall be utterly given up to that blindness which must end in + utter desperation and irretrievable overthrow. + </p> + <p> + If the reader has not been utterly unmindful of certain moral suggestions + which have been thrown out passingly in my previous narrative, he will + have seen that, constitutionally, I am of an ardent, impetuous temper—an + active mind, ready, earnest, impatient of control—seeking the + difficult for its own sake, and delighting in the conquest which is + unexpected by others. + </p> + <p> + Such a nature is usually frank and generous. It believes in the affections—it + depends upon them. It freely gives its own, but challenges the equally + free and spontaneous gift of yours in return. It has little faith in the + things which fill the hearts of the mere worldlings. Worldly honors may + delight it, but not worldly toys. It has no veneration for gewgaws. The + shows of furniture and of dress it despises. The gorgeous equipage is an + encumbrance to it; the imposing jewel it would not wear, lest it might + subtract something from that homage which it prefers should be paid to the + wearer. It is all selfish—thoroughly selfish—but not after the + world's fashion of selfishness. It hoards nothing, and gives quite as much + as it asks. What does it ask? What? It asks for love—devoted + attachment; the homage of the loved one and the friends; the implicit + confidence of all around it! Ah! can anything be more exacting? Cruelly + exacting, if it be not worthy of that it asks! + </p> + <p> + Imagine such a nature, denied from the beginning! The parents of its youth + are gone!—the brother and the sister—the father and the + friend! It is destitute, utterly, of these! It is also destitute of those + resources of fortune which are supposed to be sufficient to command them. + It is thrown upon the protection, the charge of strangers. Not strangers—no! + From strangers, perhaps, but little could be expected. It is thrown upon + the care of relatives—a father's brother! Could the tie be nearer? + Not well! But it had been better if strangers had been its guardians. Then + it might have learned to endure more patiently. At least, it would have + felt less keenly the pangs inflicted by neglect, contumely, injustice. In + this situation it grows up, like some sapling torn from its parent forest, + its branches hacked off, its limbs lacerated! It grows up in a stranger + soil. The sharp winds assail it from every quarter. But still it lives—it + grows. It grows wildly, rudely, ungracefully; but it is strong and tough, + in consequence of its exposure and its trials. Its vitality increases with + every collision which shakes and rends it; until, in the pathetic language + of relatives unhappily burdened with such encumbrances, “it seems + impossible to kill it!” + </p> + <p> + I will not say that mine tried to kill me, but I do say that they took + precious little care that I was not killed. The effect upon my body was + good, however—the effect of their indifference. This roughening + process is a part of physical training which very few parents understand. + It is essential—should be insisted on—but it must not be + accompanied with a moral roughening, which forces upon the mind of the + pupil the conviction that the ordeal is meant for his destruction rather + than for his good. There will be a recoil of the heart—a cruel + recoil from the humanities—if such a conviction once fills the mind. + It was this recoil which I felt! With warm affections seeking for objects + of love—with feelings of hope and veneration, imploring for altars + to which to attach themselves—I was commanded to go alone. The + wilderness alone was open to me: what wonder if my heart grew wild and + capricious even as that of the savage who dwells only amid their cheerless + recesses? With a smile judiciously bestowed—with a kind word, a + gentle tone, an occasional voice of earnest encouragement—my uncle + and aunt might have fashioned my heart at their pleasure. I should have + been as clay in the hands of the potter—a pliant willow in the grasp + of the careful trainer. A nature constituted like mine is, of all others, + the most flexible; but it is also, of all others, the most resisting and + incorrigible. Approach it with a judicious regard to its affections, and + you do with it what you please. Let it but fancy that it is the victim of + your injustice, however slight, and the war is an interminable one between + you! + </p> + <p> + Thus did I learn the first lessons of suspiciousness. They attended me to + the schoolhouse; they governed and made me watchful there. The + schoolhouse, the play-places—the very regions of earnest faith and + unlimited confidence—produced no such effects in me. They might have + done so, had I ceased, on going to school, to see my relatives any longer. + But the daily presence of my uncle and aunt, with their system of + continued injustice, at length rendered my suspicious moods habitual. I + became shy. I approached nobody, or approached them with doubt and + watchfulness. I learned, at the earliest period, to look into character, + to analyze conduct, to pry into the mysterious involutions of the working + minds around me. I traced, or fancied that I traced, the performance to + the unexpressed and secret motive in which it had its origin. I + discovered, or believed that I discovered, that the world was divided into + banditti and hypocrites. At that day I made little allowance for the + existence of that larger class than all, who happen to be the victims. + Unless this were the larger class, the other two must very much and very + rapidly diminish. My infant philosophy did not carry me very deeply into + the recesses of my own heart. It was enough that I felt some of its + dearest rights to be outraged—I did not care to inquire whether it + was altogether right itself. + </p> + <p> + At length, there was a glimpse of dawn amid all this darkness. The world + was not altogether evil. All hearts were not shut against me; and in the + sweet smiles of Julia Clifford, in her kind attentions, soothing + assurances, and fond entreaties, there was opportunity, at last, for my + feelings to overflow. Like a mountain-stream long pent up, which at length + breaks through its confinements, my affections rushed into the grateful + channel which her pliant heart afforded me. They were wild, and strong, + and, devoted, in proportion to their long denial and restraint. Was it not + natural enough that I should love with no ordinary attachment—that + my love should be an impetuous torrent—all-devoted—struggling, + striving—rushing only in the one direction—believing, in + truth, that there was none other in the world in which to run? + </p> + <p> + This was a natural consequence of the long sophistication of my feelings. + I knew nothing of the world—of society. I had shared in none of its + trusts; I had only felt its exactions. Like some country-boy, or + country-girl, for the first time brought into the great world, I + surrendered myself wholly to the first gratified impulse. I made no + conditions, no qualifications. I set all my hopes of heart upon a single + cast of the die, and did not ask what might be the consequences if the + throw was unfortunate. + </p> + <p> + One of the good effects of a free communication of the young with society + is, to lessen the exacting nature of the affections. People who live too + much to themselves—in their own centre, and for their own single + objects—become fastidious to disease. They ask too much from their + neighbors. Willing to surrender their OWN affections at a glance, they + fancy the world wanting in sensibility when they find that their readiness + in this respect fails to produce a corresponding readiness in others. This + is the natural history of that enthusiasm which is thrown back upon itself + and is chilled by denial. The complaint of coldness and selfishness + against the world is very common among very young or very inexperienced + men. The world gets a bad character, simply because it refuses to lavish + its affections along the highways—simply because it is cautious in + giving its trusts, and expects proofs of service and actual sympathy + rather than professions. Men like myself, of a warm, impetuous nature, + complain of the heartlessness of mankind. They fancy themselves peculiarly + the victims of an unkind destiny in this respect; and finally cut their + throats in a moment of frenzy, or degenerate into a cynicism that delights + in contradictions, in sarcasms, in self-torture, and the bitterest + hostility to their neighbors. + </p> + <p> + Society itself is the only and best corrective of this unhappy + disposition. The first gift to the young, therefore, should be the gift of + society. By this word society, however, I do not mean a set, a clique, a + pitiable little circle. Let the sphere of movement be sufficiently + extended—as large as possible—that the means of observation + and thought may be sufficiently comprehensive, and no influences from one + man or one family shall be suffered to give the bias to the immature mind + and inexperienced judgment. In society like this, the errors, prejudices, + weaknesses, of one man, are corrected by a totally opposite form of + character in another. The mind of the youth hesitates. Hesitation brings + circumspection, watchfulness; watchfulness, discrimination; + discrimination, choice; and a capacity to choose implies the attainment of + a certain degree of deliberateness and judgment with which the youth may + be permitted to go upon his way, supposed to be provided for in the + difficult respect of being able henceforward to take care of himself. + </p> + <p> + I had no society—knew nothing of society—saw it at a distance, + under suspicious circumstances, and was myself an object of its suspicion. + Its attractions were desirable to me, but seemed unattainable. It required + some sacrifices to obtain its entrée, and these sacrifices were the very + ones which my independence would not allow me to make. My independence was + my treasure, duly valued in proportion to the constant strife by which it + was assailed. I had that! THAT could not be taken from me. THAT kept me + from sinking into the slave the tool, the sycophant, perhaps the brute; + THAT prompted me to hard study in secret places; THAT strengthened my + heart, when, desolate and striving against necessity, I saw nothing of the + smiles of society, and felt nothing of the bounties of life. Then came my + final emancipation—my success—my triumph! My independence was + assailed no longer. My talents were no longer doubted or denied. My + reluctant neighbors sent in their adhesion. My uncle forbore his sneers. + Lastly, and now—Julia was mine! My heart's desires were all + gratified as completely as my mind's ambition! + </p> + <p> + Was I happy? The inconsiderate mind will suppose this very probable—will + say, I should be. But evil seeds that are planted in the young heart grow + up with years—not so rapidly or openly as to offend—and grow + to be poisonous weeds with maturity. My feelings were too devoted, too + concentrative, too all-absorbing, to leave me happy, even when they seemed + gratified. The man who has but a single jewel in the world, is very apt to + labor under a constant apprehension of its loss. He who knows but one + object of attachment—whose heart's devotion turns evermore but to + one star of all the countless thousands in the heavens—wo is he, if + that star be shrouded from his gaze in the sudden overflow of storms!—still + more wo is he, when that star withdraws, or seems to withdraw, its + corresponding gaze, or turns it elsewhere upon another worshipper! See you + not the danger which threatened me? See you not that, never having been + beloved before—never having loved but the one—I loved that one + with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my strength; and required + from that one the equal love of heart, soul, strength? See you not that my + love—linked with impatient mind, imperious blood, impetuous + enthusiasm, and suspicious fear—was a devotion exacting as the grave—searching + as fever—as jealous of the thing whose worship it demands as God is + said to be of ours? + </p> + <p> + Mine was eminently a jealous heart! On this subject of jealousy, men + rarely judge correctly. They speak of Othello as jealous—Othello, + one of the least jealous of all human natures! Jealousy is a quality that + needs no cause. It makes its own cause. It will find or make occasion for + its exercise, in the most innocent circumstances. The PROOFS that made + Othello wretched and revengeful, were sufficient to have deceived any jury + under the sun. He had proofs. He had a strong case to go upon. It would + have influenced any judgment. He did not seek or find these proofs for + himself. He did not wish to find them. He was slow to see them. His was + not jealousy. His error was that of pride and self-esteem. He was outraged + in both. His mistake was in being too prompt of action in a case which + admitted of deliberation. This was the error of a proud man, a soldier, + prompt to decide, prompt to act, and to punish if necessary. But never was + human character less marked by a jealous mood than that of Othello. His + great self-esteem was, of itself, a sufficient security against jealousy. + Mine might have been, had it not been so terribly diseased by + ill-training. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0018" id="link2HCH0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. — PRESENTIMENTS. + </h2> + <p> + Without apprehending the extent of my own weakness, the forms that it + would take, or the tyrannies that it would inflict, I was still not + totally uninformed on the subject of my peculiar character; and, fearing + then rather that I might pain my wife by some of its wanton + demonstrations, than that she would ever furnish me with, an occasion for + them, I took an opportunity, a few evenings after our marriage, to suggest + to her the necessity of regarding my outbreaks with an indulgent eye. + </p> + <p> + My heart had been singularly softened by the most touching associations. + We sat together in our piazza, beneath a flood of the richest and balmiest + moonlight, screened only from its silvery blaze by interposing masses of + the woodbine, mingled with shoots of oleander, arbor-vitae, and other + shrub-trees. The mild breath of evening sufficed only to lift quiveringly + their green leaves and glowing blossoms, to stir the hair upon our cheeks, + and give to the atmosphere that wooing freshness which seems so necessary + a concomitant of the moonlight. The hand of Julia was in mine. There were + few words spoken between us; love has its own sufficing language, and is + content with that consciousness that all is right which implores no other + assurances. Julia had just risen from the piano: we had both been touched + with a deeper sense of the thousand harmonies in nature, by listening to + those of Rossini; and now, gazing upon some transparent, fleecy, white + clouds that were slowly pressing forward in the path of the moonlight, as + if in duteous attendance upon some maiden queen, our mutual minds were + busied in framing pictures from the fine yet fantastic forms that glowed, + gathering on our gaze. I felt the hand of Julia trembling in my own. Her + head sank upon my shoulder; I felt a warm drop fall from her eyes upon my + hand, and exclaimed— + </p> + <p> + “Julia, you weep! wherefore do you weep, dear wife?” + </p> + <p> + “With joy, my husband! My heart is full of joy. I am so happy, I can only + weep. Ah! tears alone speak for the true happiness.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! would it last, Julia—would it last!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, doubt not that it will last. Why should it not t What have we to + fear?” + </p> + <p> + Mine was a serious nature. I answered sadly, if not gloomily:— + </p> + <p> + “Because it is a joy of life that we feel, and it must share the + vicissitudes of life.” + </p> + <p> + “True, true, but love is a joy of eternal life as well as of this.” + </p> + <p> + There was a beautiful and consoling truth in this one little sentence, + which my self-absorption was too great, at the time, to suffer me to see. + Perhaps even she herself was not fully conscious of the glorious and + pregnant truth which lay at the bottom of what she said. Love is, indeed, + not merely a joy of eternal life: it is THE joy of eternal life!—its + particular joy—a dim shadow of which we sometimes feel in this—pure, + lasting, comparatively perfect, the more it approaches, in its + performances and its desires, the divine essence, of which it is so poor a + likeness. We should so live, so love, as to make the one run into the + other, even as a small river runs down, through a customary channel, into + the great deeps of the sea. Death should be to the affections a mere + channel through which they pass into a natural, a necessary condition, + where their streams flow with more freedom, and over which, harmoniously + controlling, as powerful, the spirit of love broods ever with “dovelike + wings outspread.” I answered, still gloomily, in the customary world + commonplaces:— + </p> + <p> + “We must expect the storm. It will not be moonlight always. We must look + for the cloud. Age, sickness, death!—ah! do these not follow on our + footsteps, ever unerring, certain always, but so often rapid? Soon, how + soon, they haunt us in the happiest moments—they meet us at every + corner! They never altogether leave us.” + </p> + <p> + “Enough, dear husband. Dwell not upon these gloomy thoughts. Ah! why + should you—NOW?' + </p> + <p> + “I will not; but there are others, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “What others? Evils?” + </p> + <p> + “Sadder evils yet than these.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, no!—I hope not.” + </p> + <p> + “Coldness of the once warm heart. The chill of affection in the loved one. + Estrangement—indifference!—ah, Julia!” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible, Edward! This can not, MUST not be, with us You do not think + that I could be cold to you; and you—ah! surely YOU will never cease + to love me?” + </p> + <p> + “Never, I trust, never!” + </p> + <p> + “No! you must not—SHALL not. Oh, Edward, let me die first before + such a fear should fill my breast. You I love, as none was loved before. + Without your love, I am nothing. If I can not hang upon you, where can I + hang?” + </p> + <p> + And she clung to me with a grasp as if life and death depended on it, + while her sobs, as from a full heart, were insuppressible in spite of all + her efforts. + </p> + <p> + “Fear nothing, dearest Julia: do you not believe that I love you?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! if I did not, Edward—” + </p> + <p> + “It is with you always to make me love you. You are as completely the + mistress of my whole heart as if it had acknowledged no laws but yours + from the beginning.” + </p> + <p> + “What am I to do, dear Edward?” + </p> + <p> + “Forbear—be indulgent—pity me and spare me!” + </p> + <p> + “What mean you, Edward?” + </p> + <p> + “That heart which is all and only yours, Julia, is yet, I am assured, a + wilful and an erring heart! I feel that it is strange, wayward, sometimes + unjust to others, frequently to itself. It is a cross-grained, capricious + heart; you will find its exactions irksome.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I know it better. You wrong yourself.” + </p> + <p> + “No! In the solemn sweetness of this hour, dear Julia—now, while all + things are sweet to our eyes, all things dear to our affections—I + feel a chill of doubt and apprehension come over me. I am so happy—so + unusually happy—that I can not feel sure that I am so—that my + happiness will continue long. I will try, on my own part, to do nothing by + which to risk its loss. But I feel that I am too wilful, at times, to be + strong in keeping a resolution which is so very necessary to our mutual + happiness. You must help—you must strengthen me, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes! but how? I will do anything—be anything.” + </p> + <p> + “I am capricious, wayward; at times, full of injustice. Love me not less + that I am so—that I sometimes show this waywardness to you—that + I sometimes do injustice to your love. Bear with me till the dark mood + passes from my heart. I have these moods, or have had them, frequently. It + may be—I trust it will be—that, blessed with your love, and + secure in its possession, there will be no room in my heart for such ugly + feelings. But I know not. They sometimes take supreme possession of me. + They seize upon me in all places. They wrap my spirit as in a cloud. I sit + apart. I scowl upon those around me. I feel moved to say bitter things—to + shoot darts in defiance at every glance—to envenom every sentence + which I speak. These are cruel moods. I have striven vainly to shake them + off. They have grown up with my growth—have shared in whatever + strength I have; and, while they embitter my own thoughts and happiness, I + dread that they will fling their shadow upon yours!” + </p> + <p> + She replied with gayety, with playfulness, but there was an effort in it. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you make the matter worse than it is. I suppose all that troubles you + is the blues. But you will never have them again. When I see them coming + on I will sit by you and sing to you. We will come out here and watch the + evening; or you shall read to me, or we will ramble in the garden—or—a + thousand things which shall make you forget that there was ever such a + thing in the world as sorrow.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear Julia—will you do this?” + </p> + <p> + “More—everything to make you happy.” And she drew me closer in her + embrace, and her lips with a tremulous, almost convulsive sweetness, were + pressed upon my forehead; and clinging there, oh! how sweetly did she + weep! + </p> + <p> + “You will tire of my waywardness—of my exactions. Ah! I shall force + you from my side by my caprice.” + </p> + <p> + “You can not, Edward, if you would,” she replied, in mournful accents like + my own, “I have no remedy against you! I have nobody now to whom to turn. + Have <i>I</i> not driven all from my side—all but you?” + </p> + <p> + It was my task to soothe her now. + </p> + <p> + “Nay, Julia, be not you sorrowful. You must continue glad and blest, that + you may conquer my sullen moods, my dark presentiments. When I tell you of + the evils of my temper, I tell you of occasional clouds only. Heaven + forbid that they should give an enduring aspect to our heavens!” + </p> + <p> + She responded fervently to my ejaculation. I continued:— + </p> + <p> + “I have only sought to prepare you for the management of my arbitrary + nature, to keep you from suffering too much, and sinking beneath its + exactions. You will bear with me patiently. Forgive me for my evil hours. + Wait till the storm has overblown; and find me your own, then, as much as + before; and let me feel that you are still mine—that the tempest has + not separated our little vessels.” + </p> + <p> + “Will I not? Ah! do not fear for me, Edward. It is a happiness for me to + weep here—here, in your arms. When you are sad and moody, I will + come as now.” + </p> + <p> + “What if I repulse you?” + </p> + <p> + “You will not—no, no!—you will not.” + </p> + <p> + “But if I do I Suppose—-” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! it is hard to suppose that. But I will not heed it. I will come + again.” + </p> + <p> + “And again?” + </p> + <p> + “And again!” + </p> + <p> + “Then you will conquer, Julia. I feel that you will conquer! You will + drive out the devils. Surely, then, I shall be incorrigible no longer.” + </p> + <p> + Such was my conviction then. I little knew myself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0019" id="link2HCH0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIX. — DISTRUST. + </h2> + <p> + I little knew myself! This knowledge of one's self is the most important + knowledge, which very few of us acquire. We seldom look into our own + hearts for other objects than those which will administer to their petty + vanities and passing triumphs. Could we only look there sometimes for the + truth! But we are blind—blind all! In some respects I was one of the + blindest! + </p> + <p> + I have given a brief glimpse of our honeymoon. Perhaps, as the world goes, + the picture is by no means an attractive one. Quiet felicity forms but a + small item in the sources of happiness, now-a-days, among young couples. + Mine was sufficiently quiet and sufficiently humble. One would suppose + that he who builds so lowly should have no reason to apprehend the + hurricane. Social ambition was clearly no object with either of us. We + sighed neither for the glitter nor the regards of fashionable life. + Neither upon fine houses, jewels, or equipages, did we set our hearts. For + the pleasures of the table I had no passion, and never was young woman so + thoroughly regardless of display as Julia Clifford. To be let alone—to + be suffered to escape in our own way, unharming, unharmed, through the dim + avenues of life—was assuredly all that we asked from man. Perhaps—I + say it without cant—this, perhaps, was all that we possibly asked + from heaven. This was all that I asked, at least, and this was much. It + was asking what had never yet been accorded to humanity. In the vain + assumption of my heart I thought that my demands were moderate. + </p> + <p> + Let no man console himself with the idea that his chances of success are + multiplied in degree with the insignificance, or seeming insignificance, + of his aims. Perhaps the very reverse of this is the truth. He who seeks + for many objects of enjoyment—whose tastes are diversified—has + probably the very best prospect that some of them may be gratified. He is + like the merchant whose ventures on the sea are divided among many + vessels. He may lose one or more, yet preserve the main bulk of his + fortune from the wreck. But he who has only a single bark—one + freightage, however costly—whose whole estate is invested in the one + venture—let him lose that, and all is lost. It does not matter that + his loss, speaking relatively, is but little. Suppose his shipment, in + general estimation, to be of small value. The loss to him is so much the + greater. It was the dearer to him because of its insignificance, and being + all that he had; is quite as conclusive of his ruin, as would be the + foundering of every vessel which the rich merchant sent to sea. + </p> + <p> + I was one of these petty traders. I invested my whole capital of the + affections in one precious jewel. Did I lose it, or simply fear its loss? + Time must show. But, of a truth, I felt as the miser feels with his + hoarded treasure. While I watched its richness and beauty, doubts and + dread beset me. Was it safe? Everything depended upon its security. + Thieves might break in and steal. Enough, for the present, to say, that + much of my security, and of the security of all who, like me, possess a + dear treasure, depends upon our convictions of security. He who apprehends + loss, is already robbed. The reality is scarcely worse than the hourly + anticipation of it. + </p> + <p> + My friends naturally became the visitors of my family. Certain of the late + Mrs. Clifford's friends were also ours. Our circle was sufficiently large + for those who already knew how to distinguish between the safe pleasures + of a small set, and the horse-play and heartless enjoyments of fashionable + jams. Were we permitted in this world to live only for ourselves, we + should have been perfectly gratified had this been even less. We should + have been very well content to have gone on from day to day without ever + beholding the shadow of a stranger upon our threshold. + </p> + <p> + This was not permitted, however. We had a round of congratulatory visits. + Among those who came, the first were the old, long-tried friends to whom I + owed so much—the Edgertons. No family could have been more truly + amiable than this; and William Edgerton was the most amiable of the + family. I have already said enough to persuade the reader that he was a + very worthy man. He was more. He was a principled one. Not very highly + endowed, perhaps, he was yet an intelligent gentleman. None could be more + modest in expression—none less obtrusive in deportment—none + more generous in service. The defects in his character were organic—not + moral. He had no vices—no vulgarities. But his temperament was an + inactive one. He was apt to be sluggish, and when excited was nervous. He + was not irritable, but easily discomposed. His tastes were active at the + expense of his genius. With ability, he was yet unperforming. His + standards were morbidly fastidious. Fearing to fall below them, he + desisted until the moment of action was passed for ever; and the feeling + of his own weakness, in this respect, made him often sad, but to do him + justice, never querulous. + </p> + <p> + With a person so constituted, the delicate tastes and sensibilities are + like to be indulged in a very high degree. William Edgerton loved music + and all the quiet arts. Painting was his particular delight. He himself + sketched with great spirit. He had the happy eye for the tout ensemble in + a fine landscape. He knew exactly how much to take in and what to leave + out, in the delineation of a lovely scene. This is a happy talent for + discrimination which the ordinary artist does not possess. It is the + capacity which, in the case of orators and poets, informs them of the + precise moment when they should stop. It is the happiest sort of judgment, + since, though the artist may be neither very excellent in drawing, nor + very felicitous in color, it enables him always to bestow a certain + propriety on his picture which compensates, to a certain degree, for + inferiority in other respects. To know how to grasp objects with spirit, + and bestow them with a due regard to mutual dependence, is one of the most + exquisite faculties of the landscape-painter. + </p> + <p> + William Edgerton, had he been forced by necessity to have made the art of + painting his profession would have made for himself a reputation of no + inferior kind. But amateur art, like amateur literature, rarely produces + any admirable fruits. Complete success only attends the devotee to the + muse. The worship must be exclusive at her altar; the attendance constant + and unremitting. There must be no partial, no divided homage. She is a + jealous mistress, like all the rest. The lover of her charms, if he would + secure her smiles, must be a professor at her shrine. He can not come and + go at pleasure. She resents such impertinence by neglect. In plain terms, + the fine arts must be made a business by those who desire their favor. + Like law, divinity, physic, they constitute a profession of their own; + require the same diligent endeavor, close study, fond pursuit! William + Edgerton loved painting, but his business was the law. He loved painting + too much to love his profession. He gave too much of his time to the law + to be a successful painter—too much time to painting to be a lawyer. + He was nothing! At the bar he never rose a step after the first day, when, + together, we appeared in our mutual maiden case; and contenting himself + with the occasional execution of a landscape, sketchy and bold, but + without finish, he remained in that nether-land of public consideration, + unable to grasp the certainties of either pursuit at which he nevertheless + was constantly striving; striving, however, with that qualified degree of + effort, which, if it never could secure the prize, never could fatigue him + much with the endeavor to do so. + </p> + <p> + He was perfectly delighted when he first saw some of the sketches of my + wife. He had none of that little jealousy which so frequently impairs the + temper and the worth of amateurs. He could admire without prejudice, and + praise without reserve. He praised them. He evidently admired them. He + sought every occasion to see them, and omitted none in which to declare + his opinion of their merits. This, in the first pleasant season of my + marriage—when the leaves were yet green and fresh upon the tree of + love—was grateful to my feelings. I felt happy to discover that my + judgment had not erred in the selection of my wife. I stimulated her + industry that I might listen to my friend's eulogy. I suggested subjects + for her pencil. I fitted up an apartment especially as a studio for her + use. I bought her some fine studies, lay figures, heads in marble and + plaster; and lavished, in this way, the small surplus fund which had + heretofore accrued from my professional industry, and that personal + frugality with which it was accompanied. + </p> + <p> + William Edgerton was now for ever at our house. He brought his own + pictures for the inspection of my wife. He sometimes painted in her + studio. He devised rural and aquatic parties with sole reference to + landscape scenery and delineation; and indifferent to the law always, he + now abandoned himself almost entirely to those tastes which seemed to have + acquired of a sudden, the strangest and the strongest impulse. + </p> + <p> + In this—at least for a considerable space of time—I saw + nothing very remarkable. I knew his tastes previously. I had seen how + little disposed he was to grapple earnestly with the duties of his + profession; and did not conceive it surprising, that, with family + resources sufficient to yield him pecuniary independence, he should + surrender himself up to the luxurious influence of tastes which were + equally lovely in themselves, and natural to the first desires of his + mind. But when for days he was missed from his office—when the very + hours of morning which are most religiously devoted by the profession to + its ostensible if not earnest pursuit, were yielded up to the easel—and + when, overlooking the boundaries which, according to the conventional + usage, made such a course improper, he passed many of these mornings at my + house, during my absence, I began to entertain feelings of disquietude. + </p> + <p> + For these I had then no name. The feelings were vague and indefinable, but + not the less unpleasant. I did not fancy for a moment that I was wronged, + or likely to be wronged, but I felt that he was doing wrong. Then, too, I + had my misgivings of what the world would think! I did not fancy that he + had any design to wrong me; but there seemed to me a cruel want of + consideration in his conduct. But what annoyed me most was, that Julia + should receive him at such periods He was thoughtless, enthusiastic in + art, and thoughtless, perhaps, in consequence of his enthusiasm. But I + expected that she should think for both of us in such a case. Women, + alone, can be the true guardians of appearances where they themselves are + concerned; and it was matter of painful surprise to me that she should not + have asked herself the question: “What will the neighbors think, during my + husband's absence, to see a stranger, a young man, coming to visit me with + periodical regularity, morning after morning?” + </p> + <p> + That she did not ask herself this question should have been a very strong + argument to show me that her thoughts were all innocent. But there is a + terrible truth in what Caesar said of his wife's reputation: “She must be + free from suspicion.” She must not only do nothing wrong, but she must not + suffer or do anything which might incur the suspicion of wrong doing. + There is nothing half so sensible to the breath of calumny, as female + reputation, particularly in regions of high civilization, where women are + raised to an artificial rank of respect, which obviates, in most part, the + obligations of their dependence upon man, but increases, in due + proportion, some of their responsibilities to him. Poor Julia had no + circumspection, because she had no feeling of evil. I believe she was + purity itself; I equally believe that William Edgerton was quite incapable + of evil design. But when I came from my office, the first morning that he + had thus passed at my house in my absence, and she told me that he had + been there, and how the time had been spent, I felt a pang, like a sharp + arrow, suddenly rush into my brain. Julia had no reserve in telling me + this fact. It was a subject she seemed pleased to dwell upon. She narrated + with the earnest, unseeing spirit of a self-satisfied child, the sort of + conversation which had taken place between them—praised Edgerton's + taste, his delicacy, his subdued, persuasive manners, and showed herself + as utterly unsophisticated as any Swiss mountain-girl who voluntarily + yields the traveller a kiss, and tells her mother of it afterward. I + listened with chilled manners and a troubled mind. + </p> + <p> + “You are unwell, Edward,” she remarked tenderly, approaching and throwing + her arms around my neck, as she perceived the gradual gathering of that + cloud upon my brows. + </p> + <p> + “Why do you think so, Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, you look so sad—almost severe, Edward, and your words are so + few and cold. Have I offended you, dear Edward?” + </p> + <p> + I was confused at this direct question. I felt annoyed, ashamed. I pleaded + headache in justification of my manner—it did ache, and my heart, + too, but not with the ordinary pang; and I felt a warm blush suffuse my + cheek, as I yielded to the first suggestion which prompted me to deceive + my wife. + </p> + <p> + A large leading step was thus taken, and progress was easy afterward. + </p> + <p> + Oh! sweet spirit of confidence, thou only true saint, more needful than + all, to bind the ties of kindred and affection! why art thou so prompt to + fly at the approach of thy cold, dark enemy, distrust? Why dost thou yield + the field with so little struggle? Why, when the things, dearest to thee + of all in the world's gift—its most valued treasure, its purest, + sweetest, and proudest trophies—why, when these are the stake which + is to reward thy courage, thy adherence, to compensate thee for trial, to + console thee for loss and outrage—why is it that thou art so ready + to despond of the cause so dear to thee, and forfeit the conquest by which + alone thy whole existence is made sweet. This is the very suicide of self. + Fearful of loss, we forsake the prize, which we have won; and hearkening + to the counsel of a natural enemy, eat of that bitter fruit which banishes + for ever from our lips the sweet savor which we knew before, and without + which, no savor that is left is sweet. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0020" id="link2HCH0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. — PROGRESS OF THE EVIL SPIRIT. + </h2> + <p> + If I felt so deeply annoyed at the first morning visit which William + Edgerton paid to my wife, what was my annoyance when these visits became + habitual. I was miserable but could not complain. I was ashamed of the + language of complaint on such a subject. There is something very + ridiculous in the idea of a jealous husband—it has always provoked + the laughter of the world; and I was one of those men who shrunk from + ridicule with a more than mortal dread. Besides, I really felt no alarm. I + had the utmost confidence in my wife's virtue. I had not the less + confidence in that of Edgerton. But I was jealous of her deference—of + her regard—for another. She was, in my eyes, as something sacred, + set apart—a treasure exclusively my own! Should it be that another + should come to divide her veneration with me? I was vexed that she should + derive satisfaction from another source than myself. This satisfaction she + derived from the visits of Edgerton. She freely avowed it. + </p> + <p> + “How amiable—how pleasant he is,” she would say, in the perfect + innocence of her heart; “and really, Edward, he has so much talent!” + </p> + <p> + These praises annoyed me. They were as so much wormwood to my spirit. It + must be remembered that I was not myself what the world calls an amiable + man. I doubt if any, even of my best friends, would describe me as a + pleasant one. I was a man of too direct and earnest a temperament to + establish a claim, in reasonable degree, to either of these + characteristics. I was, accordingly, something blunt in my address—the + tones of my voice were loud—my manner was all empressement, except + when I was actually angry, and then it was cold hard, dry, inflexible. I + was the last person in the world to pass for an amiable. Now, Julia, on + the other hand, was quiet, subdued, timorous—the tones of a strong, + decided voice startled her—she shrunk from controversy—yielded + always with a happy grace in anticipation of the conflict, and showed, in + all respects, that nice, almost nervous organization which attaches the + value of principles and morals to mere manners, and would be as much + shocked, perhaps, at the expression of a rudeness, as at the commission of + a sin. Not that such persons would hold a sin to be less criminal or + innocuous than would we ourselves; but that they regard mere conduct as of + so much more importance. + </p> + <p> + When, therefore, she praised William Edgerton for those qualities which I + well knew I did not possess, I could not resist the annoyance. My + self-esteem—continually active—stimulated as it had been by + the constant moral strife, to which it had been subjected from boyhood—was + continually apprehending disparagement. Of the purity of Julia's heart, + and the chastity of her conduct, the very freedom of her utterance was + conclusive. Had she felt one single improper emotion toward William + Edgerton, her lips would never have voluntarily uttered his name, and + never in the language of applause. On this head I had not then the + slightest apprehension. It was not jealousy so much as EGOISME that was + preying upon me. Whatever it was, however, it could not be repressed as I + listened to the eulogistic language of my wife. I strove, but could not + subdue, altogether, the evil spirit which was fast becoming predominant + within me. Yet, though speaking under its immediate influence, I was very + far from betraying its true nature. My egoisme had not yet made such + advances as to become reckless and incautious. I surprised her by my + answer to her eulogies. + </p> + <p> + “I have no doubt he is amiable—he is amiable—but that is not + enough for a man. He must be something more than amiable, if he would + escape the imputation of being feeble—something more if he would be + anything!” + </p> + <p> + Julia looked at me with eyes of profound and dilating astonishment. Having + got thus far, it was easy to advance. The first step is half the journey + in all such cases. + </p> + <p> + “William Edgerton is a little too amiable, perhaps, for his own good. It + makes him listless and worthless. He will do nothing at pictures, wasting + his time only when he should be at his business.” + </p> + <p> + “But did I not understand you, Edward, that he was a man of fortune, and + independent of his profession?” she answered timidly. + </p> + <p> + “Even that will not justify a man in becoming a trifler. No man should + waste his time in painting, unless he makes a trade of it.” + </p> + <p> + “But his leisure, Edward,” suggested Julia, with a look of increasing + timidity. + </p> + <p> + “His leisure, indeed, Julia;—but he has been here all day—day + after day. If painting is such a passion with him, let him abandon law and + take to it. But he should not pursue one art while processing another. It + is as if a man hankered after that which he yet lacked the courage to + challenge and pursue openly.' + </p> + <p> + “I don't think you love pictures as you used to, Edward,” she remarked to + me, after a little interval passed in unusual silence. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps it is because I have matters of more consequence to attend to. + YOU seem sufficiently devoted to them now to excuse my indifference.” + </p> + <p> + “Surely, dear Edward, something I have done vexes you. Tell me, husband. + Do not spare me. Say, in what have I offended?” + </p> + <p> + I had not the courage to be ingenuous. Ah! if I had! + </p> + <p> + “Nay, you have not offended,” I answered hastily—“I am only worried + with some unmanageable thoughts. The law, you know, is full of provoking, + exciting, irritating necessities.” + </p> + <p> + She looked at ne with a kind but searching glance. My soul seemed to + shrink from that scrutiny. My eyes sunk beneath her gaze. + </p> + <p> + “I wish I knew how to console you, Edward: to make you entirely happy. I + pray for it, Edward. I thought we were always to be so happy. Did you not + promise me that you would always leave your cares at your office—that + our cottage should be sacred to love and peace only?” + </p> + <p> + She put her arms about my neck, and looked into my face with such a sweet, + strange, persuasive smile—half mirth, half sadness—that the + evil spirit was subdued within me. I clasped her fervently in my embrace, + with all my old feelings of confidence and joy renewed. At this moment the + servant announced Mr. Edgerton, and with a start—a movement—scarcely + as gentle as it should have been, I put the fond and still beloved woman + from my embrace! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0021" id="link2HCH0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. — CHANGES OF HOME. + </h2> + <p> + From this time my intercourse with William Edgerton was, on my part, one + of the most painful and difficult constraint. I had nothing to reproach + him with; no grounds whatever for quarrel; and could not, in his case—regarding + the long intimacy which I had maintained with himself and father, and the + obligations which were due from me to both—adopt such a manner of + reserve and distance as to produce the result of indifference and + estrangement which I now anxiously desired. I was still compelled to meet + him—meet him, too, with an affectation of good feeling and good + humor, which I soon found it, of all things in the world, the most + difficult even to pretend. How much would I have given could he only have + provoked me to anger on any ground—could he have given me an + occasion for difference of any sort or to any degree—anything which + could have justified a mutual falling off from the old intimacy! But + William Edgerton was meekness and kindness itself. His confidence in me + was of the most unobservant, suspicionless character; either that, or I + succeeded better than I thought in the effort to maintain the external + aspects of old friendship. He saw nothing of change in my deportment. He + seemed not to see it, at least; and came as usual, or more frequently than + usual, to my house, until, at length, the studio of my wife was quite as + much his as hers—nay, more; for, after a brief space, whether it was + that Julia saw what troubled me, or felt herself the imprudence of + Edgerton's conduct, she almost entirely surrendered it to him. She was not + now so often to be seen in it. + </p> + <p> + This proceeding alarmed me. I dreaded lest my secret should be discovered. + I was shocked lest my wife should suppose me jealous. The feeling is one + which carries with it a sufficiently severe commentary, in the fact that + most men are heartily ashamed to be thought to suffer from it. But, if it + vexed me to think that she should know or suspect the truth, how much more + was I troubled lest it should be seen or suspected by others! This fear + led to new circumspection. I now affected levities of demeanor and remark; + studiously absented myself from home of an evening, leaving my wife with + Edgerton, or any other friend who happened to be present; and, though I + began no practices of profligacy, such as are common to young scapegraces + in all times, I yet, to some moderate extent, affected them. + </p> + <p> + A tone of sadness now marked the features of my wife. There was an + expression of anxiety in her countenance, which, amid all her previous + sufferings, I had never seen there before. She did not complain; but + sometimes, when we sat alone together, I reading, perhaps, and she sewing, + she would drop her work in her lap, and sigh suddenly and deeply, as if + the first shadows of the upgathering gloom were beginning to cloud her + young and innocent spirit, and force her apprehensions into utterance. + This did not escape me, but I read its signification, as witches are said + to read the Bible, backward. A gloomier fancy filled my brain as I heard + her unconscious sigh. + </p> + <p> + “It is the language of regret. She laments our marriage. She could have + found another, surely, who could have made her happier. Perhaps, had + Edgerton and herself known each other intimately before!—” + </p> + <p> + Dark, perverse imagining! It crushed me. I felt, I can not tell, what + bitterness. Let no one suppose that I endured less misery than I + inflicted. The miseries of the damned could not have exceeded mine in some + of the moments when these cruel conjectures filled my mind. Then followed + some such proofs as these of the presence of the Evil One:— + </p> + <p> + “You sigh, Julia. You are unhappy.” + </p> + <p> + “Unhappy? no, dear Edward, not unhappy! What makes you think so?” + </p> + <p> + “What makes you sigh, then?” + </p> + <p> + “I do not know. I am certainly not unhappy. Did I sigh, Edward?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and seemingly from the very bottom of your heart. I fear, Julia, + that you are not happy; nay, I am sure you are not! I feel that I am not + the man to make you happy. I am a perverse—” + </p> + <p> + “'Nay, Edward, now you speak so strangely, and your brow is stern, and + your tones tremble! What can it be afflicts you? You are angry at + something, dear Edward. Surely, it can not be with me.” + </p> + <p> + “And if it were, Julia, I am afraid it would give you little concern.” + </p> + <p> + “Now, Edward, you are cruel. You do me wrong. You do yourself wrong. Why + should you suppose that it would give me little concern to see you angry? + So far from this, I should regard it as the greatest misery which I had to + suffer. Do not speak so, dearest Edward—do not fancy such things. + Believe me, my husband, when I tell you that I know nothing half so dear + to me as your love—nothing that I would not sacrifice with a + pleasure, to secure, to preserve THAT!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! would you give up painting?” + </p> + <p> + “Painting! that were a small sacrifice! I worked at it only because you + used to like it.” + </p> + <p> + “What, you think I do not like it now?” + </p> + <p> + “I KNOW you do not.” + </p> + <p> + “But you paint still?” + </p> + <p> + “No! I have not handled brush or pencil for a week. Mr. Edgerton was + reproaching me only yesterday for my neglect.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, indeed! Well, you promised him to resume, did you not? He is a rare + persuader! He is so amiable, so mild—you could not well resist.” + </p> + <p> + It was from her face that I formed a rational conjecture of the expression + that must have appeared in mine. Her eyes dilated with a look of timid + wonder, not unmixed with apprehension. She actually shrunk back a space; + then, approaching, laid her hand upon my wrist, as she exclaimed:— + </p> + <p> + “God of heaven, Edward, what strange thought is in your bosom? what is the + meaning of that look? Look not so again, if you would not kill me!” + </p> + <p> + I averted my face from hers, but without speaking. She threw her arms + around my neck. + </p> + <p> + “Do not turn away from me, Edward. Do not, do not, I entreat you! You must + not—no! not till you tell me what is troubling you—not till I + soothe you, and make you love me again as much as you did at first.” + </p> + <p> + When I turned to her again, the tears—hot, scalding tears—were + already streaming down my cheeks. + </p> + <p> + “Julia, God knows I love you! Never woman yet was more devotedly loved by + man! I love you too much—too deeply—too entirely! Alas, I love + nothing else!” + </p> + <p> + “Say not that you love me too much—that can not be! Do I not love + you—you only, you altogether? Should I not have your whole love in + return?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Julia! but my love is a convulsive eagerness of soul—a passion + that knows no limit! It is not that my heart is entirely yours: it is that + it is yours with a frenzied desperation. There is a fanaticism in love as + in religion. My love is that fanaticism. It burns—it commands—where + yours would but soothe and solicit.” + </p> + <p> + “But is mine the less true—the less valuable for this, dear Edward?” + </p> + <p> + “No, perhaps not! It may be even more true, more valuable; it may be only + less intense. But fanaticism, you know, is exacting—nothing more so. + It permits no half-passion, no moderate zeal. It insists upon devotion + like its own. Ah, Julia, could you but love as I do!” + </p> + <p> + “I love you all, Edward, all that I can, and as it belongs in my nature to + love. But I am a woman, and a timid one, you know. I am not capable of + that wild passion which you feel. Were I to indulge it, it would most + certainly destroy me. Even as it sometimes appears in you, it terrifies + and unnerves me. You are so impetuous!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, you would have only the meek, the amiable!” + </p> + <p> + And thus, with an implied sarcasm, our conversation ended. Julia turned on + me a look of imploring, which was naturally one of reproach. It did not + have its proper influence upon me. I seized my hat, and hurried from the + house. I rushed, rather than walked, through the streets; and, before I + knew where I was, I found myself on the banks of the river, under the + shade of trees, with the soft evening breeze blowing upon me, and the + placid moon sailing quietly above. I threw myself down upon the grass, and + delivered myself up to gloomy thoughts. Here was I, then, scarcely + twenty-five years old; young, vigorous; with a probable chance of fortune + before me; a young and lovely wife, the very creature of my first and only + choice, one whom I tenderly loved, whom, if to seek again, I should again, + and again, and only, seek! Yet I was miserable—miserable in the very + possession of my first hopes, my best joys—the very treasure that + had always seemed the dearest in my sight. Miserable blind heart! + miserable indeed! For what was there to make me miserable? Absolutely + nothing—nothing that the outer world could give—nothing that + it could ever take away. But what fool is it that fancies there must be a + reason for one's wretchedness? The reason is in our own hearts; in the + perverseness which can make of its own heaven a hell! not often fashion a + heaven out of hell! + </p> + <p> + Brooding, I lay upon the sward, meditating unutterable things, and as far + as ever from any conclusion. Of one thing alone I was satisfied—that + I was unutterably miserable; that my destiny was written in sable; that I + was a man foredoomed to wo! Were my speculations strange or unnatural! + Unnatural indeed! There is a class of surface-skimming persons, who + pronounce all things unnatural which, to a cool, unprovoked, and perhaps + unprovokable mind, appear unreasonable: as if a vexed nature and exacting + passions were not the most unreasonable yet most natural of all moral + agents. My woes may have been groundless, but it was surely not unnatural + that I felt and entertained them. + </p> + <p> + Thus, with bitter mood, growing more bitter with every moment of its + unrestrained indulgence, I gloomed in loneliness beside the banks of that + silvery and smooth-flowing river. Certainly the natural world around me + lent no color to my fancies. While all was dark within, all was bright + without. A fiend was tugging at my heart; while from a little white + cottage, a few hundred yards below, which grew flush with the margin of + the stream, there stole forth the tender, tinkling strains of a guitar, + probably touched by fair fingers of a fair maiden, with some enamored boy, + blind and doting, hovering beside her. I, too, had stood thus and + hearkened thus, and where am I—what am I! + </p> + <p> + I started to my feet. I found something offensive in the music. It came + linked with a song which I had heard Julia sing a hundred times; and when + I thought of those hours of confidence, and felt myself where I was, alone—and + how lone!—bitterer than ever were the wayward pangs which were + preying upon the tenderest fibres of my heart. + </p> + <p> + In the next moment I ceased to be alone. I was met and jostled by another + person as I bounded forward, much too rapidly, in an effort to bury myself + in the deeper shadow of some neighboring trees. The stranger was nearly + overthrown in the collision, which extorted a hasty exclamation from his + lips, not unmingled with a famous oath or two. In the voice. I recognised + that of my friend Kingsley—the well-known pseudo-Kentucky gentleman, + who had acted a part so important in extricating my wife from her mother's + custody. I made myself known to him in apologizing for my rudeness. + </p> + <p> + “You here!” said he; “I did not expect to meet you. I have just been to + your house, where I found your wife, and where I intended to stop a while + and wait for you. But Bill Edgerton, in the meanwhile, popped in, and + after that I could hear nothing but pictures and paintings, Madonnas, Ecce + Homos, and the like; till I began to fancy that I smelt nothing but paint + and varnish. So I popped out, with a pretty blunt excuse, leaving the two + amateurs to talk in oil and water-colors, and settle the principles of art + as they please. Like you, I fancy a real landscape, here, by the water, + and under the green trees, in preference to a thousand of their painted + pictures.” + </p> + <p> + It may be supposed that my mood underwent precious little improvement + after this communication. Dark conceits, darker than ever, came across my + mind. I longed to get away, and return to that home from which I had + banished confidence!—ah, only too happy if there still lingered + hope! But my friend, blunt, good-humored, and thoughtless creature as he + was, took for granted that I had come to look at the landscape, to admire + water-views by moonlight, and drink fresh draughts of sea-breeze from the + southwest; and, thrusting his arm through mine, he dragged me on, down, + almost to the threshold of the cottage, whence still issued the tinkle, + tinkle, of the guitar which had first driven me away. + </p> + <p> + “That girl sings well. Do you know her—Miss Davison? She's soon to + be married, THEY say (d—n 'they say,' however—the greatest + scandal-monger, if not mischief-maker and liar, in the world!)—she + is soon to be married to young Trescott—a clover lad who sniffles, + plays on the flute, wears whisker and imperial on the most cream-colored + and effeminate face you ever saw! A good fellow, nevertheless, but a + silly! She is a good fellow, too, rather the cleverest of the twain, and + perhaps the oldest. The match, if match it really is to be, none of the + wisest for that very reason. The damsel, now-a-days, who marries a lad + younger than herself, is laying up a large stock of pother, which is to + bother her when she becomes thirty—for even young ladies, you know, + after forty, may become thirty. A sort of dispensation of nature. She + sings well, nevertheless.” + </p> + <p> + I said something—it matters not what. Dark images of home were in my + eyes. I heard no song—saw no landscape The voice of Kingsley was a + sort of buzzing in my ears. + </p> + <p> + “You are dull to-night, but that song ought to soothe you. What a cheery, + light-hearted wench it is! Her voice does seem so to rise in air, shaking + its wings, and crying tira-la! tira-la! with an enthusiasm which is + catching! I almost feel prompted to kick up my heels, throw a summerset, + and, while turning on my axis, give her an echo of tira-la! tira-la! + tira-la! after her own fashion.” + </p> + <p> + “You are certainly a happy, mad fellow, Kingsley!” was my faint, cheerless + commentary upon a gayety of heart which I could not share, and the + unreserved expression of which, at that moment, only vexed me. + </p> + <p> + “And you no glad one, Clifford. That song, which almost prompts me to + dance, makes no impression on you! By-the-way, your wife used to sing so + well, and now I never hear her. That d—-d painting, if you don't + mind, will make her give up everything else! As for Bill Edgerton, he + cares for nothing else out his varnish, trees, and umber-hills, and + streaky water. You shouldn't let him fill your wife's mind with this + oil-and-varnish spirit—giving up the piano, the guitar, and that + sweeter instrument than all, her own voice. D—n the paintings!—his + long talk on the subject almost makes me sick of everything like a + picture. I now look upon a beautiful landscape like this as a thing that + is shortly to be desecrated—taken in vain—scratched out of + shape and proportion upon a deal-board, and colored after such a fashion + as never before was seen in the natural world, upon, or under, or about + this solid earth. D—n the pictures, I say again!—but, for + God's sake, Clifford, don't let your wife give up the music! Make her + play, even if she don't like it. She likes the painting best, but I + wouldn't allow it! A wife is a sort of person that we set to do those + things that we wish done and can't do for ourselves. That's my definition + of a wife. Now, if I were in your place, with my present love for music + and dislike of pictures, I'd put her at the piano, and put the + paint-saucers, and the oil, and the smutted canvass, out of the window; + and then—unless he came to his senses like other people—I'd + thrust Bill Edgerton out after them! I'd never let the best friend in the + world spoil my wife.” + </p> + <p> + The effect of this random chatter of my good-natured friend upon my mind + may well be imagined. It was fortunate that he was quite too much occupied + in what he was saying to note my annoyance. In vain, anxious to be let + off, was I restrained in utterance—cold, unpliable. The good fellow + took for granted that it was an act of friendship to try to amuse; and + thus, yearning with a nameless discontent and apprehension to get home I + was marched to and fro along the river-bank, from one scene to another—he, + meanwhile, utterly heedless of time, and as actively bent on perpetual + motion as if his sinews were of steel and his flesh iron. Meanwhile, the + guitar ceased, and the song in the cottage of Miss Davison; the lights + went out in that and all the other dwellings in sight; the moon waned; and + it was not till the clock from a distant steeple tolled out the hour of + eleven with startling solemnity, that Kingsley exclaimed:— + </p> + <p> + “Well, mon ami, we have had a ramble, and I trust I have somewhat + dissipated your gloomy fit. And now to bed—what say you?—with + what appetite we may!” + </p> + <p> + With what appetite, indeed! We separated. I rushed homeward, the moment he + was out of sight—once more stood before my own dwelling. There the + lights remained unextinguished and William Edgerton was still a tenant of + my parlor! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0022" id="link2HCH0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. — SELF-HUMILIATION. + </h2> + <p> + I had not the courage to enter my own dwelling! My heart sank within me. + It was as if the whole hope of a long life, an intense desire, a keen + unremitting pursuit, had suddenly been for ever baffled. Let no one who + has not been in my situation; who has not been governed by like moral and + social influences from the beginning; who knows not my sensibilities, and + the organization—singular and strange it may be—of my mind and + body; let no such person jump to the conclusion that there was any thing + unnatural, however unreasonable and unreasoning, in the wild passion which + possessed me. I look back upon it with some surprise myself. The fears + which I felt, the sufferings I endured, however unreasonable, were yet + true to my training. That training made me selfish; how selfish let my + blindness show! In the blindness of self I could see nothing but the thing + I feared, the one phantom—phantom though it were—which was + sufficient to quell and crush all the better part of man within me, banish + all the real blessings which were at command around me. I gave but a + single second glance through the windows of my habitation, and then darted + desperately away from the entrance! I bounded, without a consciousness, + through the now still and dreary streets, and found myself, without + intending it, once more beside the river, whose constant melancholy + chidings, seemed the echoes-though in the faintest possible degree—of + the deep waters of some apprehensive sorrow then rolling through all the + channels of my soul. + </p> + <p> + What was it that I feared? What was it that I sought? Was it love? Can it + be that the strange passion which we call by this name, was the source of + that sad frenzy which filled and afflicted my heart? And was I not + successful in my love? Had I not found the sought?—won the withheld? + What was denied to me that I desired? I asked of myself these questions. I + asked them in vain. I could not answer them. I believe that I can answer + now. It was sincerity, earnestness, devotion from her, all speaking + through an intensity like that which I felt within my own soul. + </p> + <p> + Now, Julia lacked this earnestness, this intensity. Accustomed to + submission, her manner was habitually subdued. Her strongest utterance was + a tear, and that was most frequently hidden. She did not respond to me in + the language in which my affections were wont to speak. Sincerity she did + not lack—far from it—she was truth itself! It is the keener + pang to my conscience now, that I am compelled to admit this conviction. + Her modes of utterance were not less true than mine. They were not less + significant of truth; but they were after a different fashion. In a moment + of calm and reason, I might have believed this truth; nay, I knew it, even + at those moments when I was most unjust. It was not the truth that I + required so much as the presence of an attachment which could equal mine + in its degree and strength. This was not in her nature. She was one taught + to subdue her nature, to repress the tendencies of her heart, to submit in + silence and in meekness. She had invariably done so until the insane + urgency of her mother made her desperate. But for this desperation she had + still submitted, perhaps, had never been my wife. In the fervent intensity + of my own love, I fancied, from the beginning, that there was something + too temperate in the tone of hers. Were I to be examined now, on this + point, I should say that her deportment was one which declared the nicest + union of sensibility and maidenly propriety. But, compared with mine, her + passions were feeble, frigid. Mine were equally intense and exacting. + Perhaps, had she even responded to my impetuosity with a like fervor, I + should have recoiled from her with a feeling of disgust much more rapid + and much more legitimate, than was that of my present frenzy. + </p> + <p> + Frenzy it was! and it led me to the performance of those things of which I + shame to speak. But the truth, and its honest utterance now, must be one + of those forms of atonement with which I may hope, perhaps vainly, to + lessen, in the sight of Heaven, some of my human offences. I had scarcely + reached the water-side before a new impulse drove me back. You will + scarcely believe me when I tell you that I descended to the base character + of the spy upon my household. The blush is red on my cheek while I record + the shameful error. I entered the garden, stole like a felon to the + lattice of the apartment in which my wife sat with her guest, and looked + in with a greedy fear, upon the features of the two! + </p> + <p> + What were my own features then? What the expression of my eyes? It was + well that I could not see them; I felt that they must be frightful. But + what did I expect to see in this espionage? As I live, honestly now, and + with what degree of honesty I then possessed, I may truly declare that + when I THOUGHT upon the subject at all, I had no more suspicion that my + wife would be guilty of any gross crime, than I had of the guilt of the + Deity himself. Far from it. Such a fancy never troubled me. But, what was + it to me, loving as I did, exclusive, and selfish, and exacting as I was—what + was it to me if, forbearing all crime of conduct, she yet regarded another + with eyes of idolatry—if her mind was yielded up to him in deference + and regard; and thoughts, disparaging to me, filled her brain with his + superior worth, manners, merits? He had tastes, perhaps talents, which I + had not. In the forum, in all the more energetic, more imposing + performances of life, William Edgerton, I knew, could take no rank in + competition with myself. But I was no ladies' man. I had no arts of + society. My manners were even rude. My address was direct almost to + bluntness. I had no discriminating graces, and could make no sacrifice, in + that school of polish, where the delicacy is too apt to become false, and + the performances trifling. It is idle to dwell on this; still more idle to + speculate upon probable causes. It may be that there are persons in the + world of both sexes, and governed by like influences, who have been guilty + of like follies; to them my revelations may be of service. My discoveries, + if I have made any, were quite too late to be of much help to me. + </p> + <p> + To resume, I prowled like a guilty phantom around my own habitation. I + scanned closely, with the keenest eyes of jealousy, every feature, every + movement of the two within. In the eyes of Edgerton, I beheld—I did + not deceive myself in this—I beheld the speaking soul, devoted, + rapt, full of love for the object of his survey. That he loved her was to + me sufficiently clear. His words were few, faintly spoken, timid. His eyes + did not encounter hers; but when hers were averted, they riveted their + fixed glances upon her face with the adherence of the yearning steel for + the magnet! Bitterly did I gnash my teeth—bitterly did my spirit + rise in rebellion, as I noted these characteristics. But, vainly, with all + my perversity of feeling and judgment, did I examine the air, the look, + the action, the expression, the tones, the words of my wife, to make a + like discovery. All was passionless, all seeming pure, in her whole + conduct. She was gentle in her manner, kind in her words, considerate in + her attentions; but so entirely at ease, so evidently unconscious, as well + of improper thoughts in herself as of an improper tendency in him, that, + though still resolute to be wilful and unhappy, I yet could see nothing of + which I could reasonably complain. Nay, I fancied that there was a touch + of listlessness, amounting to indifference, in her air, as if she really + wished him to be gone; and, for a moment, my heart beat with a returning + flood of tenderness, that almost prompted me to rush suddenly into the + apartment and clasp her to my arms. + </p> + <p> + At length, Edgerton departed. When he rose to do so, I felt the + awkwardness of my situation—the meanness of which I had been guilty—the + disgrace which would follow detection. The shame I already felt; but, + though sickening beneath it, the passion which drove me into the + commission of so slavish an act, was still superior to all others, and + could not then be overcome. I hurried from the window and from the + premises while he was taking his leave. My mind was still in a frenzy. I + rambled off, unconsciously, to the most secluded places along the suburbs, + endeavoring to lose the thoughts that troubled me. I had now a new cause + for vexation. I was haunted by a conviction of my own shame. How could I + look Julia in the face—how meet and speak to her, and hear the + accents of her voice and my own after the unworthy espionage which I had + instituted upon her? Would not my eyes betray me—my faltering + accents, my abashed looks, my flushed and burning cheeks? I felt that it + was impossible for me to escape detection. I was sure that every look, + every tone, would sufficiently betray my secret. Perhaps I should not have + felt this fear, had I possessed the courage to resolve against the + repetition of my error. Could I have declared this resolution to myself, + to forego the miserable proceeding which I had that night begun, I feel + that I should then have taken one large step toward my own deliverance + from that formidable fiend which was then raging unmastered in my soul. + But I lacked the courage for this. Fatal deficiency! I felt impressed with + the necessity of keeping a strict watch upon Edgerton. I had seen, with + eyes that could not be deceived, the feeling which had been expressed in + his. I saw that he loved her, perhaps, without a consciousness himself of + the unhappy truth. I hurried to the conclusion, accordingly, that he must + be looked after. I did not so immediately perceive that in looking after + him, I was, in truth, looking after Julia; for what was my watch upon + Edgerton but a watch upon her? I had not the confidence in her to leave + her to herself. That was my error. The true reasoning by which a man in my + situation should be governed, is comprised in a nutshell. Either the wife + is virtuous or she is not. If she is virtuous, she is safe without my + espionage. If she is not, all the watching in the world will not suffice + to make her so. As for the discovery of her falsehood, he will make that + fast enough. The security of the husband lies in his wife's purity, not in + his own eyes. It must be added to this argument that the most virtuous + among us, man or woman, is still very weak; and neither wife, nor + daughter, nor son, should be exposed to unnecessary temptation. Do we not + daily implore in our own prayers, to be saved from temptation? + </p> + <p> + I need not strive to declare what were my thoughts and feelings as I + wandered off from my dwelling and place of espionage that night. No + language of which I am possessed could embody to the idea of the reader + the thousandth part of what I suffered. An insane and morbid resentment + filled my heart. A close, heavy, hot stupor, pressed upon my brain. My + limbs seemed feeble as those of a child. I tottered in the streets. The + stars, bright mysterious watchers, seemed peering down into my face with + looks of smiling inquiry. The sudden bark of a watch-dog startled and + unnerved me. I felt with the consciousness of a mean action, all the + humiliating weakness which belongs to it. + </p> + <p> + It took me a goodly hour before I could muster up courage to return home, + and it was then midnight. Julia had retired to her chamber, but not yet to + her couch. She flew to me on my entrance—to my arms. I shrunk from + her embraces; but she grasped me with greater firmness. I had never + witnessed so much warmth in her before. It surprised me, but the solution + of it was easy. My long stay had made her apprehensive. It was so unusual. + My coldness, when she embraced me, was as startling to her, as her sudden + warmth was surprising to me. She pushed me from her—still, however, + holding me in her grasp, while she surveyed me. Then she started, and with + newer apprehensions. + </p> + <p> + Well she might. My looks alarmed her. My hair was dishevelled and moist + with the night-dews. My cheeks were very pale. There was a quick, + agitated, and dilating fullness of my eyes, which rolled hastily about the + apartment, never even resting upon her. They dared not. I caught a hasty + glance of myself in the mirror, and scarcely knew my own features. It was + natural enough that she should be alarmed. She clung to me with increased + fervency. She spoke hurriedly, but clearly, with an increased and novel + power of utterance, the due result of her excitement. Could that + excitement be occasioned by love for me—by a suspicion of the truth, + namely, that I had been watching her? I shuddered as this last conjecture + passed into my mind. That, indeed, would be a humiliation—worse, + more degrading, by far, than all. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, why have you left me—so long, so very long? where have you + been? what has happened?” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing—nothing.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, but there is something, Edward. Speak! what is it, dear husband? I + see it in your eyes, your looks! Why do you turn from me? Look on me! tell + me! You are very pale, and your eyes are so wild, so strange! You are + sick, dear Edward; you are surely sick: tell me, what has happened?” + </p> + <p> + Wild and hurried as they were, never did tones of more touching sweetness + fall from any lips. They unmanned—nay, I use the wrong word—they + MANNED me for the time. They brought me back to my senses, to a conviction + of her truth, to a momentary conviction of my own folly. My words fell + from me without effort—few, hurried, husky—but it was a sudden + heartgush, which was unrestrainable. + </p> + <p> + “Ask me not, Julia-ask me nothing; but love me, only love me, and all will + be well—all is well.” + </p> + <p> + “Do I not—ah! do I not love you, Edward?” + </p> + <p> + “I believe you—God be praised, I DO believe you!” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, surely, Edward, you never doubted this.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no!—never!” + </p> + <p> + Such was the fervent ejaculation of my lips; such, in spite of its seeming + inconsistency, was the real belief within my soul. What was it, then, that + I did doubt? wherefore, then, the misery, the suspense, the suspicion, + which grew and gathered, corroding in my heart, the parent of a thousand + unnamed anxieties? It will be difficult to answer. The heart of man is one + of those strange creations, so various in its moods, so infinite in its + ramifications, so subtle and sudden in its transitions, as to defy + investigation as certainly as it refuses remedy and relief. It is enough + to say that, with one schooled as mine had been, injuriously, and with + injustice, there is little certainty in any of its movements. It becomes + habitually capricious, feeds upon passions intensely, without seeming + detriment; and, after a season, prefers the unwholesome nutriment which it + has made vital, to those purer natural sources of strength and succor, + without which, though it may still enjoy life, it can never know + happiness. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0023" id="link2HCH0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. — PROGRESS OF PASSION. + </h2> + <p> + “But, do not leave me another time—not so long, Edward Do not leave + me alone. Your business is one thing. THAT you must, of course, attend to; + but hours—not of business—hours in which you do no business—hours + of leisure—your evenings, Edward—these you must share with me—you + must give to me entirely. Ah! will you not? will you not promise me?” + </p> + <p> + These were among the last words which she spoke to me ere we slept that + night. The next morning, almost at awaking, she resumed the same language. + I could not help perceiving that she spoke in tones of greater earnestness + than usual—an earnestness expressive of anxiety for which I felt at + some loss to account. Still, the tenor of what she said, at the time, gave + me pleasure—a satisfaction which I did not seek to conceal, and + which, while it lasted, was the sweetest of all pleasures to my soul. But + the busy devil in my heart made his suggestions also, which were of a kind + to produce any other but satisfying emotions. While I stood in my wife's + presence—in the hearing of her angel-voice, and beholding the pure + spirit speaking out from her eyes—he lay dormant, rebuked, within + his prison-house, crouching in quiet, waiting a more auspicious moment for + activity. Nor was he long in waiting; and then his cold, insinuating + doubts—his inquiries—begot and startled mine! + </p> + <p> + “Very good—all very good!” Such was the tone of his suggestions. + “She may well compound for the evenings with you, since she gives her + whole mornings to your rival.” + </p> + <p> + Archimedes asked but little for the propulsion of the world. The jealous + spirit—a spirit jealous like mine—asks still for the moving of + that little but densely-populous world, the human heart. I forgot the + sweet tones of my wife's words—the pure-souled words themselves—tones + and words which, while their sounds yet lingered in my ears, I could not + have questioned—I did not dare to question. The tempter grew in the + ascendant the moment I had passed out of her sight; and when I met William + Edgerton the next day, he acquired greatly-increased power over my + understanding. + </p> + <p> + William Edgerton had evidently undergone a change. He no longer met my + glances boldly with his own. Perhaps, had he done so, my eyes would have + been the first to shrink from the encounter. He looked down, or looked + aside, when he spoke to me; his words were few, timorous, hesitating, but + studiously conciliatory; and he lingered no longer in my presence than was + absolutely unavoidable. Was there not a consciousness in this? and what + consciousness? The devil at my heart answered, and answered with truth, + “He loves your wife.” It would have been well, perhaps, had the cruel + fiend said nothing farther. Alas! I would have pardoned, nay, pitied + William Edgerton, had the same chuckling spirit not assured me that she + also was not insensible to him. I was continually reminded of the words, + “Your business must, of course, be attended to!”—“What a considerate + wife!” said the tempter; “how very unusual with young wives, with whom + business is commonly the very last consideration!” + </p> + <p> + That very day, I found, on reaching home, that William Edgerton had been + there—had gone there almost the moment after he had left me at the + office; and that he had remained there, obviously at work in the studio, + until the time drew nigh for my return to dinner. My feelings forbade any + inquiries. These, facts were all related by my wife herself. I did not ask + to hear them. I asked for nothing more than she told. The dread that my + jealousy should be suspected made me put on a sturdy aspect of + indifference; and that exquisite sense of delicacy, which governed every + movement of my wife's heart and conduct, forbade her to say—what yet + she certainly desired I should know—that, in all that time, she had + not seen him, nor he her. She had studiously kept aloof in her chamber so + long as he remained. Meanwhile, I brooded over their supposed long and + secret interviews. These I took for granted. The happiness they felt—the + mutual smile they witnessed—the unconscious sighs they uttered! Such + a picture of their supposed felicity as my morbid imagination conjured up + would have roused a doubly damned and damning fiend in the heart of any + mortal. + </p> + <p> + What a task was mine, struggling with these images, these convictions!—my + pride struggling to conceal, my feelings struggling to endure. Then, there + were other conflicts. What friends had the Edgertons been to me—father, + mother—nay, that son himself, once so fondly esteemed, once so + fondly esteeming! Of course, no ties such as these could have made me + patient under wrong. But they were such as to render it necessary that the + wrong should be real, unquestionable, beyond doubt, beyond excuse. This I + felt, this I resolved. + </p> + <p> + “I will wait! I will be patient! I will endure, though the vulture gnaws + incessant at my heart! I will do nothing precipitate. No, no: I must + beware of that! But let me prove them treacherous—let them once + falter, and go aside from the straight path, and then—oh, then!” + </p> + <p> + Such, as in spoken words, was the unspoken resolution of my soul; and this + resolution required, first of all, that I should carry out the base + purpose which, without a purpose, I had already begun. I must be a spy + upon their interviews. They must be followed, watched—eyes, looks, + hands! Miserable necessity! but, under my present feelings and + determination, not the less a necessity. And I, alone, must do it; I, + alone, must peer busily into these mysteries, the revelation of which can + result only in my own ruin—seeking still, with an earnest diligence, + to discover that which I should rather have prayed for eternal and + unmitigated blindness, that I might not see! Mine was, indeed, the + philosophy of the madman. + </p> + <p> + I persevered in it like one. I yielded all opportunities for the meeting + of the parties—all opportunities which, in yielding, did not expose + me to the suspicion of having any sinister object. If, for example, I + found, or could conjecture, that William Edgerton was likely to be at my + house this or that evening, I studiously intimated, beforehand, some + necessity for being myself absent. This carried me frequently from home—lone, + wandering, vexing myself with the most hideous conjectures, the most + self-torturing apprehensions. I sped away, obviously, into the city-to + alleged meetings with friends or clients—or on some pretence or + other which seemed ordinary and natural But my course was to return, and, + under cover of night, to prowl, around my own premises, like some guilty + ghost, doomed to haunt the scene of former happiness, in its wantonness + rendered a scene of ever-during misery. Certainly, no guilty ghost ever + suffered in his penal tortures a torture worse than mine at these + humiliating moments. It was torture enough to me that I was sensible of + all the unhappy meanness of my conduct. On this head, though I strove to + excuse myself on the score of a supposed necessity, I could not deceive + myself—not—not for the smallest moment. + </p> + <p> + Weeks passed in this manner—weeks to me of misery—of annoyance + and secret suffering to my wife. In this time, my espionage resulted in + nothing but what has been already shown—in what was already + sufficiently obvious to me. William Edgerton continued his insane + attentions: he sought my dwelling with studious perseverance—sought + it particularly at those periods when he fancied I was absent—when + he knew it—though such were not his exclusive periods of visitation. + He came at times when I was at home. His passion for my wife was + sufficiently evident to me, though her deportment was such as to persuade + mo that she did not see it. All that I beheld of her conduct was + irreproachable. There was a singular and sweet dignity in her air and + manner, when they were together, that seemed one of the most insuperable + barriers to any rash or presumptuous approach. While there was no + constraint about her carriage, there was no familiarity—nothing to + encourage or invite familiarity. While she answered freely, responding to + all the needs of a suggested subject, she herself never seemed to broach + one; and, after hours of nightly watch, which ran through a period of + weeks, in which I strove at the shameful occupation of the espial, I was + compelled to admit that all her part was as purely unexceptionable as the + most jealous husband could have wished it. + </p> + <p> + But not so with the conduct of William Edgerton. His attentions were + increasing. His passion was assuming some of the forms of that delirium to + which, under encouragement, it is usually driven in the end. He now + passionately watched my wife's countenance, and no longer averted his + glance when it suddenly encountered hers. His eyes, naturally tender in + expression, now assumed a look of irrepressible ardency, from which, I now + fancied—pleased to fancy—that hers recoiled! He would linger + long in silence, silently watching her, and seemingly unconscious, the + while, equally of his scrutiny and his silence. At such times, I could + perceive that Julia would turn aside, or her own eyes would be marked by + an expression of the coldest vacancy, which, but for other circumstances, + or in any other condition of my mind, would have seemed to me conclusive + of her indignation or dislike. But, when such became my thought, it was + soon expelled by some suggestion from the busy devil of my imagination:— + </p> + <p> + “They may well put on this appearance now; but are such their looks when + they meet, sometimes for a whole morning, in the painting-room?” Even + here, the fiend was silenced by a fact which was revealed to me in one of + my nocturnal watches. + </p> + <p> + “Clifford not at home?” said Edgerton one evening as he entered, + addressing my wife, and looking indifferently around the room. “I wished + to tell him about some pictures which are to be seen at ——'s + room—really a lovely Guido—an infant Savior—and + something, said to be by Carlo Dolce, though I doubt. You must see them. + Shall I call for you tomorrow morning?” + </p> + <p> + “I thank you, but have an engagement for the morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, the next day. They will remain but a few days longer in the city.” + </p> + <p> + “I am sorry, but I shall not be able to go even the next day, I am so + busy.” + </p> + <p> + “Busy? ah! that reminds me to ask if you have given up the pencil + altogether? Have you wholly abandoned the studio? I never see you now at + work in the morning. I had no thought that you had so much of the + fashionable taste for morning calls, shopping, and the like.” + </p> + <p> + “Nor have I,” was the quiet answer. “I seldom leave home in the morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” with some doubtfulness of countenance, almost amounting to + chagrin—“indeed! how is it that I so seldom see you, then?” + </p> + <p> + “The cares of a household, I suppose, might be my sufficient excuse. While + my liege lord works abroad, I find my duties sufficiently urgent to task + all my time at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Really—but you do not propose to abandon the atelier entirely? + Clifford himself, with his great fondness for the art, will scarcely be + satisfied that you should, even on a pretence of work.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not know. I do not think that MY HUSBAND”—the last two words + certainly emphasized—“cares much about it. I suspect that music and + painting, however much they delighted and employed our girlhood, form but + a very insignificant part of our duties and enjoyments when we get + married.” + </p> + <p> + “But you do not mean to say that a fine landscape, or an exquisite head, + gives you less satisfaction than before your marriage?” + </p> + <p> + “I confess they do. Life is a very different thing before and after + marriage. It seems far more serious—it appears to me a possession + now, and time a sort of property which has to be economized and doled out + almost as cautiously as money. I have not touched a brush this fortnight. + I doubt if I have been in the painting-room more than once in all this + time.” + </p> + <p> + This conversation, which evidently discomfited William Elgerton, was + productive to me of no small satisfaction. After a brief interval, + consumed in silence, he resumed it:— + </p> + <p> + “But I must certainly get you to see these pictures. Nay, I must also—since + you keep at home—persuade you to look into the studio tomorrow, if + it be only to flatter my vanity by looking at a sketch which I have amused + myself upon the last three mornings. By-the-way, why may we not look at it + tonight?” + </p> + <p> + “We shall not be able to examine it carefully by night,” was the answer, + as I fancied, spoken with unwonted coldness and deliberation. + </p> + <p> + “So much the better for me,” he replied, with an ineffectual attempt to + laugh; “you will be less able to discern its defects.” + </p> + <p> + “The same difficulty will endanger its beauties,” Julia answered, without + offering to rise. + </p> + <p> + “Well, at least, you must arrange for seeing the pictures at ——'s. + They are to remain but a few days, and I would not have you miss seeing + them for the world. Suppose you say Saturday morning?” + </p> + <p> + “If nothing happens to prevent,” she said; “and I will endeavor to + persuade Mr. Clifford to look at them with us.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, he is so full of his law and clients, that you will hardly succeed.” + </p> + <p> + This was spoken with evident dissatisfaction. The arrangement, which + included me, seemed unnecessary. I need not say that I was better pleased + with my wife than I had been for some time previous; but here the juggling + fiend interposed again, to suggest the painful suspicion that she knew of + my whereabouts, of my jealousy, of my espionage; that her words were + rather meant for my ears than for those of Edgerton; or, if this were not + the case, her manner to Edgerton was simply adopted, as she had now become + conscious of her own feelings—feelings of peril—feelings which + would not permit her to trust herself. Ah! she feared herself: she had + discovered the passion of William Edgerton, and it had taught her the + character and tendency of her own. Was there ever more self-destroying + malice than was mine? I settled down upon this last conviction. My wife's + coldness was only assumed to prevent Edgerton from seeing her weakness; + and, for Edgerton himself, I now trembled with the conviction that I + should have to shed his blood. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0024" id="link2HCH0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. — A GROUP. + </h2> + <p> + This conviction now began to haunt my mind with all the punctuality of a + shadow. It came to me unconsciously, uncalled for; mingled with other + thoughts and disturbed them all. Whether at my desk, or in the courts; + among men in the crowded mart, or in places simply where the idle and the + thoughtless congregate, it was still my companion. It was, however, still + a shadow only; a dull, intangible, half-formed image of the mind; the + crude creature of a fear rather than a desire; for, of a truth, nothing + could be more really terrible to me than the apparent necessity of taking + the life of one so dear to me once, and still so dear to the only friends + I had ever known. I need not say how silently I strove to banish this + conviction. My struggles on this subject were precisely those which are + felt by nervous men suddenly approaching a precipice, and, though secure, + flinging themselves off, in the extremity of their apprehensions of that + danger which has assumed in their imaginations an aspect so absorbing. + With such persons, the extreme anxiety to avoid the deed, whether of evil + or of mere danger, frequently provokes its commission. I felt that this + risk encountered me. I well knew that an act often contemplated may be + already considered half-performed; and though I could not rid myself of + the impression that I was destined to do the deed the very idea of which + made me shudder, I yet determined, with all the remaining resolution of my + virtue, to dismiss it from my thought, as I resolved to escape from its + performance if I could. + </p> + <p> + It would have been easy enough for me to have kept this resolution as it + was enough for me to make it, had it not clashed with a superior passion + in my mind; but that blindness of heart under which I labored, impaired my + judgment, enfeebled my resolution, baffled my prudence, defeated all my + faculties of self-preservation. I was, in fact, a monomaniac. On one + subject, I was incapable of thought, of sane reasoning, of fixed purpose. + I am unwilling to distinguish this madness by the word “jealousy.” In the + ordinary sense of the term it was not jealousy. Phrenologists would call + it an undue development of self-esteem, diseased by frequent provocation + into an irritable suspiciousness, which influenced all the offices of + thought. It was certain, to myself, that in instituting the watch which I + did over the conduct of my wife and William Edgerton, I did not expect to + discover the commission of any gross act which, in the vulgar acceptation + of the world, constitutes the crime of infidelity. The pang would not have + been less to my mind, though every such act was forborne, if I perceived + that her eyes yearned for his coming, and her looks of despondency took + note of his absence. If I could see that she hearkened to his words with + the ears of one who deferred even to devotedness, and found that pleasure + in his accents which should only have been accorded to mine. It is the low + nature, alone, which seeks for developments beyond these, to constitute + the sin of faithlessness. Of looks, words, consideration, habitual + deference, and eager attention, I was quite as uxorious as I should have + been of the warm kiss, or the yielding, fond embrace. They were the same + in my eyes. It was for the momentary glance, the passing word, the + forgetful sigh, that I looked and listened, while I pursued the unhappy + espionage upon my wife and her lover. That he was her lover, was + sufficiently evident—how far she was pleased with his devotion was + the question to be asked and—answered! + </p> + <p> + The self-esteem which produced these developments of jealousy, in my own + home, was not unexercised abroad. The same exacting nature was busy among + my friends and mere acquaintance. Of these I had but few; to these I could + be devoted; for these I could toil; for these I could freely have + perished! But I demanded nothing less from them. Of their consideration + and regard I was equally uxorious as I was of the affections of my wife. I + was an INTENSIFIER in all my relations, and was not willing to divide or + share my sympathies. I became suspicious when I found any of my + acquaintance forming new intimacies, and sunk into reserves which + necessarily produced a severance of the old ties between us. It naturally + followed that my few friends became fewer, and I finally stood alone. But + enough of self-analysis, which, in truth, owes its origin to the very same + mental quality which I have been discussing—the presence and + prevalence of EGOISME. Let us hurry our progress. + </p> + <p> + My wife advised me of the visit which William Edgerton had proposed to the + picture collection. + </p> + <p> + “I will go,” she said, “if you will.” + </p> + <p> + “You must go without me.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, why? Surely, you can go one morning?” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible. The morning is the time for business. THAT must be attended + to, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “But you needn't slave yourself at it because it is business, Edward. But + that I know that you are not a money-loving man, I should suppose, + sometimes, from the continual plea of business, that you were a miser, and + delighted in filling old stockings to hide away in holes and chinks of the + wall. Come, now, Saturday is not usually a busy day with you lawyers; + steal it this once and go with us. I lose half the pleasure of the sight + always, when you are not with me, and when I know that you are engaged in + working for me elsewhere.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, you mistake, Julia. You shall not flatter me into such a faith. You + lose precious little by my absence.” + </p> + <p> + “But, Edward, I do; believe me—it is true.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible! No, no, Julia, when you look on the Carlo Dolce and the + Guido, you will forget not only the toils of the husband, but that you + have one at all. You will forget my harsh features in the contemplation of + softer ones.” + </p> + <p> + “Your features are not harsh ones, Edward.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay, you shall not persuade me that I am not an Orson—a very wild + man of the woods. I know I am. I know that I have harsh features; nay, I + fancy you know it too, by this time, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “I admit the sternness at times, Edward, but I deny the harshness. + Besides, sternness, you know, is perfectly compatible with the possession + of the highest human beauty. I am not sure that a certain portion of + sternness is not absolutely necessary to manly beauty. It seems to me that + I have never yet seen what I call a handsome man, whose features had not a + certain sweet gravity, a sort of melancholy defiance, in them which + neutralized the effect of any effeminacy which mere beauty must have had; + and imparted to them a degree of character which compelled you to turn + again and look, and made you remember them, even when they had disappeared + from sight. Now, it may be the vanity of a wife, Edward, but it seems to + me that this is the very sort of face which you possess.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! you are very vain of me, I know—very!” + </p> + <p> + “Proud, fond—not vain!” + </p> + <p> + “You deceive yourself still, I suspect, even with your distinctions. But + you must forego the pleasure of displaying my 'stern beauties,' as your + particular possession, at the gallery. You must content yourself with + others not so stern, though perhaps not less beautiful, and certainly more + amiable. Edgerton will be your sufficient chaperon.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but I do not wish to be troubling Mr. Edgerton so frequently; and, + indeed, I would rather forego the pleasure of seeing the pictures + altogether, than trespass in this way upon his attention and leisure.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, but I am very sure you do not trespass upon either. He is an + idle, good fellow, relishes anything better than business, and you know + has such a passion for painting and pictures that its indulgence seems to + justify anything to his mind. He will forget everything in their pursuit.” + </p> + <p> + All this was said with a studious indifference of manner. I was singularly + successful in concealing the expression of that agony which was gnawing + all the while upon my heart. I could smile, too, while I was speaking—while + I was suffering! Look calmly into her face and smile, with a composure, a + strength, the very consciousness of which was a source of terrible + overthrow to me at last. I was surprised to perceive an air of chagrin + upon Julia's countenance, which was certainly unstudied. She was one of + those who do not well conceal or cloak their real sentiments. The faculty + of doing so is usually much more strongly possessed by women than by men—much + more easily commanded—but SHE had little of it. Why should she wear + this expression of disappointment—chagrin! Was she really anxious + that I should attend her? I began to think so—began to relent, and + think of promising that I would go with her, when she somewhat abruptly + laid her hand upon my arm. + </p> + <p> + “Edward, you leave me too frequently. You stay from me too long, + particularly at evening. Do not forget, dear husband, how few female + friends I have; how few friends of any sort—how small is my social + circle. Besides, it is expected of all young people, newly married, that + they will be frequently together; and when it is seen that they are often + separate—that the wife goes abroad alone, or goes in the company of + persons not of the family, it begets a suspicion that all is not well—that + there is no peace, no love, in the family so divided. Do not think, + Edward, that I mean this reproachfully—that I mean complaint—that + I apprehend the loss of your love: oh no! I dread too greatly any such + loss to venture upon its suspicion lightly, but I would guard against the + conjectures of others—” + </p> + <p> + “So, then, it is not that you really wish my company. It is be-cause you + would simply maintain appearances.” + </p> + <p> + “I would do both, Edward. God knows I care as little for mere appearances, + so long as the substances, are good, as you do; but I confess I would not + have the neighbors speak of me as the neglected wife; I would not have you + the subject of vulgar reproach.” + </p> + <p> + “To what does all this tend?” I demanded impatiently. + </p> + <p> + “To nothing, Edward, if by speaking it I make you angry.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not speak it, then!” was my stern reply. + </p> + <p> + “I will not; do not turn away—do not be angry:” here she sobbed + once, convulsively; but with an effort of which I had not thought her + capable, she stifled the painful utterance, and continued grasping my + wrist as she spoke with both her hands, and speaking in a whisper— + </p> + <p> + “You are not going to leave me in anger. Oh, no! Do not! Kiss me, dear + husband, and forgive me. If I have vexed you, it was only because I was so + selfishly anxious to keep you more with me—to be more certain that + you are all my own!” + </p> + <p> + I escaped from this scene with some difficulty. I should be doing my own + heart, blind and wilful as it was, a very gross injustice, if I did not + confess that the sincere and natural deportment of Julia had rendered me + largely doubtful of the good sense or the good feeling of the course I was + pursuing. But the effects of it were temporary only. The very feeling, + thus forced upon me, that I was, and had been, doing wrong, was a + humiliating one; and calculated rather to sustain my self-esteem, even + though it lessened the amount of justification which my jealousy may have + supposed itself possessed of. The disease had been growing too long within + my bosom. It had taken too deep root—had spread its fibres into a + region too rank and stimulating not to baffle any ordinary diligence on + the part of the extirpator, even if he had been industrious and sincere. + It had been growing with my growth, had shared my strength from the + beginning, was a part of my very existence! Still, though not with that + hearty fondness which her feeling demanded, I returned her caresses, + folded her to my bosom, kissed the tears from her cheek, and half promised + myself, though I said nothing of this to her, that I would attend her to + the picture exhibition. + </p> + <p> + But I did not. Half an hour before the appointed time I resolved to do so; + but the evil spirit grew uppermost in that brief interval, and suggested + to me a course more in unison with its previous counsellings. Under this + mean prompting I prepared to go to the gallery, but not till my wife had + already gone there under Edgerton's escort. The object of this + afterthought was to surprise them there—to enter at the unguarded + moment, and read the language of their mutual eyes, when they least + apprehended such scrutiny. + </p> + <p> + Pitiful as was this design, I yet pursued it. I entered the picture room + at a moment which was sufficiently auspicious for my objects. They were + the only occupants of the apartment. I learned this fact before I ascended + the stairs from the keeper of the gallery, who sat in a lower room. The + stairs were carpeted. I wore light thin pumps, which were noiseless. I may + add, as a singular moral contradiction, that I not only did not move + stealthily, but that I set down my feet with greater emphasis than was + usual with me, as if I sought, in this way to lessen somewhat the meanness + of my proceeding. My approach, however, was entirely unheard; and I stood + for a few seconds in the doorway, gazing upon the parties without making + them conscious of my intrusion. + </p> + <p> + Julia was sitting, gazing, with hand lifted above her eyes, at a Murillo—a + ragged Spanish boy, true equally to the life and to the peculiar + characteristics of that artist—dark ground-work, keen, arch + expression, great vivacity, with an air of pregnant humor which speaks of + more than is shown, and makes you fancy that other pictures are to follow + in which the same boy must appear in different phases of feeling and of + fortune. + </p> + <p> + I need not say that the pictures, however, called for a momentary glance + only from me. My glances were following my thoughts, and they were + piercing through the only possible avenues, the cheeks, the lips, the + tell-tale eyes, deep down into the very hearts of the suspected parties. + They were so placed that, standing at the door, and half hidden from sight + by a screen, I could see with tolerable distinctness the true expresion in + each countenance, though I saw but half the face. Julia was gazing upon + the pictures, but Edgerton was gazing upon her! He had no eyes for any + other object; and I fancied, from the abstracted and almost vacant + expression of his looks, that I without startling him from his dream. In + his features, speaking, even in their obliviousness of all without, was + one sole, absorbing sentiment of devotion. His eyes were riveted with a + strenuous sort of gaze upon her, and her only. He stood partly on one + side, but still behind her, so that, without changing her position, she + could scarcely have beheld his countenance. I looked in vain, in the brief + space of time which I employed in surveying them, but she never once + turned her head; nor did he once withdraw his glance from her neck and + cheek, a part only of which could have been visible to him where he stood. + Her features, meanwhile, were subdued and placid. There was nothing which + could make me dissatisfied with her, had I not been predisposed to this + dissatisfaction; and when the tones of my voice were heard, she started up + to meet me with a sudden flash of pleasure in her eyes which illuminated + her whole countenance. + </p> + <p> + “Ah I you are come, then. I am so glad!” + </p> + <p> + She little knew why I had come. I blushed involuntarily with the + conviction of the base motive which had brought me. She immediately + grasped my arm, drew me to the contemplation of those pictures which had + more particularly pleased herself, absolutely seeming to forget that there + was a third person in the room. William Edgerton turned away and busied + himself, for the first time no doubt, in the examination of a landscape on + the opposite wall. I followed his movement with my glance for a single + instant, but his face was studiously averted. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0025" id="link2HCH0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. — THE OLD GOOSE FINDS A YOUNG GANDER. + </h2> + <p> + We will suppose some months to have elapsed in this manner—months, + to me, of prolonged torture and suspicion. Circumstances, like petty + billows of the sea, kept chafing upon the low places of my heart, keeping + alive the feverish irritation which had already done so much toward + destroying my peace, and overthrowing the guardian outposts of my pride + and honor. How long the strife was to bo continued before the + ocean-torrents should be let in—before the wild passions should + quite overwhelm my reason—was a subject of doubt, but not the less a + subject of present and of exceeding fear. In these matters, I need not say + that there was substantially very little change in the character of events + that marked the progress of my domestic life. William Edgerton still + continued the course which he had so unwittingly begun. He still sought + every opportunity to see my wife, and, if possible, to see her alone. He + avoided me as much as possible; seldom came to the office; absolutely gave + up his business altogether; and, when we met, though his words and manner + were solicitously kind, there was a close restraint upon the latter, a + hesitancy about the former, a timid apprehensiveness in his eye, and a + generally-shown reluctance to approach me, which I could not but see, and + could not but perceive, at the same time, that he endeavored with + ineffectual effort to conceal. He was evidently conscious that he was + doing wrong. It was equally clear to me that he lacked the manly courage + to do right. What was all this to end in? The question became momently + more and more serious. Suppose that he possessed no sort of influence over + my wife! Even suppose his advances to stop where they were at present—his + course already, so far, was a humiliating indignity, allowing that it + became perceptible to the eyes of others. That revelation once made, there + could be no more proper forbearance on the part of the husband. The + customs of our society, the tone of public opinion—nay, outraged + humanity itself—demanded then the interposition of the avenger. And + that revelation was at hand. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, the keenest eyes of suspicion could behold nothing in the + conduct of Julia which was not entirely unexceptionable. If William + Edgerton was still persevering in his pursuit, Julia seemed insensible to + his endeavors. Of course, they met frequently when it was not in my power + to see them. It was my error to suppose that they met more frequently + still—that he saw her invariably in his morning visits to the + studio, which was not often the case—and, when they did meet, that + she derived quite as much satisfaction from the interview as himself. Of + their meetings, except at night, when I was engaged in my miserable watch + upon them, I could say nothing. Failing to note anything evil at such + periods, my jealous imagination jumped to the conclusion that this was + because my espionage was suspected, and that their interviews at other + periods were distinguished by less prudence and reserve. And yet, could I + have reasoned rightly at this period, I must have seen that, if such were + the case, there would have been no such display of EMPRESSMENT as William + Edgerton made at these evening visits. Did he expend his ardor in the day, + did he apprehend my scrutiny at night, he would surely have suppressed the + eagerness of his glance—the profound, all-forgetting adoration which + marked his whole air, gaze, and manner. Nor should I have been so + wretchedly blind to what was the obvious feeling of discontent and + disquiet in her bosom. Never did evenings seem to pass with more downright + dullness to any one party in the world. If Edgerton spoke to her, which he + did not frequently, his address was marked by a trepidation and hesitancy + akin to fear—a manner which certainly indicated anything but a + foregone conclusion between them; while her answers, on the other hand, + were singularly cold, merely replying, and calculated invariably to + discourage everything like a protracted conversation. What was said by + Edgerton was sufficiently harmless—nor harmless merely. It was most + commonly mere ordinary commonplace, the feeble effort of one who feels the + necessity of speech, yet dares not speak the voluminous passions which + alone could furnish him with energetic and manly utterance. Had the scales + not been abundantly thick and callous above my eyes, how easily might + these clandestine scrutinies have brought me back equally to happiness and + my senses! But though I thus beheld the parties, and saw the truth as I + now relate it, there was always then some little trifling circumstance + that would rise up, congenial to suspicion, and cloud my conclusions, and + throw me back upon old doubts and cruel jealousies. Edgerton's tone may, + at moments, have been more faltering and more tender than usual; Julia's + glance might sometimes encounter his, and then they both might seem to + fall, in mutual confusion, to the ground. Perhaps she sung some little + ditty at his instance—some ditty that she had often sung for me. + Nay, at his departure, she might have attended him to the entrance, and he + may have taken her hand and retained his grasp upon it rather longer than + was absolutely necessary for his farewell. How was I to know the degree of + pressure which he gave to the hand within his own? That single grasp, not + unfrequently, undid all the better impressions of a whole evening consumed + in these unworthy scrutinies. I will not seek further to account for or to + defend this unhappy weakness. Has not the great poet of humanity said— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Trifles, light as air, + Are, to the jealous, confirmations strong + As proofs Of Holy Writ”? +</pre> + <p> + Medical men tell us of a predisposing condition of the system for the + inception of epidemic. It needs, after this, but the smallest atmospheric + changes, and the contagion spreads, and blackens, and taints the entire + body of society, even unto death. The history of the moral constitution is + not unanalogous to this. The disease, the damning doubt, once in the mind, + and the rest is easy. It may sleep and be silent for a season, for years, + unprovoked by stimulating circumstances; but let the moral atmosphere once + receive its color from the suddenly-passing cloud, and the dark spot + dilates within the heart, grows active, and rapidly sends its poisonous + and poisoning tendrils through all the avenues of mind. Its bitter + secretions in my soul affected all the objects of my sight, even as the + jaundiced man lives only in a saffron element. Perhaps no course of + conduct on the part of my wife could have seemed to me entirely innocent. + Certainly none could have been entirely satisfactory, or have seemed + entirely proper. Even her words, when she spoke to me alone, were of a + kind to feed my prevailing passion. Yet, regarded under just moods, they + should have been the most conclusive, not simply of her innocence, but of + the devotedness of her heart to the requisitions of her duty. Her love and + her sense of right seemed harmoniously to keep together. Gentlest + reproaches eluded me for leaving her, when she sought for none but myself. + Sweetest endearments encountered my return, and fondest entreaties would + have delayed the hour of my departure. Her earnestness, when she implored + me not to leave her so frequently at night, almost reached intensity, and + had a meaning, equally expressive of her delicacy and apprehensions, which + I was unhappily too slow to understand. + </p> + <p> + Six months had probably elapsed from the time of Mr. Clifford's death, + when, returning from my office one day, who should I encounter in my + wife's company but her mother? Of this good lady I had been permitted to + see but precious little since my marriage. Not that she had kept aloof + from our dwelling entirely. Julia had always conceived it a duty to seek + her mother at frequent periods without regarding the ill treatment which + she received; and the latter, becoming gradually reconciled to what she + could no longer prevent, had at length so far put on the garments of + Christian charity as to make a visit to her daughter in return. Of course, + though I did not encourage it, I objected nothing to this renewed + intercourse; which continued to increase until, as in the present + instance, I sometimes encountered this good lady on my return from my + office. On these occasions I treated her with becoming respect, though + without familiarity. I inquired after her health, expressed myself pleased + to see her, and joined my wife in requesting her to stay to dinner. Until + now, she usually declined to do so; and her manner to myself hitherto was + that of a spoiled child indulging in his sulks. But, this day, to my great + consternation, she was all smiles and good humor. + </p> + <p> + A change so sudden portended danger. I looked to my wife, whose grave + countenance afforded me no explanation. I looked to the lady herself, my + own countenance no doubt sufficiently expressive of the wonder which I + felt, but there was little to be read in that quarter which could give me + any clue to the mystery. Yet she chattered like a magpie; her conversation + running on certain styles of dress, various purchases of silks, and + satins, and other stuffs, which she had been buying—a budget of + which, I afterward discovered, she had brought with her, in order to + display to her daughter. Then she spoke of her teeth, newly filed and + plugged, and grinned with frequent effort, that their improved condition + might be made apparent. Her chatter was peculiarly that of a flippant and + conceited girl-child of sixteen, whose head has been turned by premature + bringing out, and the tuition of some vain, silly, wriggling mother. I + could see, by my wife's looks, that there was a cause for all this, and + waited, with considerable apprehension, for the moment when we should be + alone, in order to receive from her an explanation. But little of Mrs. + Clifford's conversation was addressed to me, though that little was + evidently meant to be particularly civil. But, a little before she took + her departure, which was soon after dinner, she asked me with some + abruptness, though with a considerable smirk of meaning in her face, if I + “knew a Mr. Patrick Delaney.” I frankly admitted that I had not this + pleasure; and with a still more significant smirk, ending in a very + affected simper, meant to be very pleasant, she informed me, as she took + her leave, that Julia would make me wiser. I looked to Julia when she was + gone, and, with some chagrin, and with few words, she unravelled the + difficulty. Her mother—the old fool—was about to be married, + and to a Mr. Patrick Delaney, an Irish gentleman, fresh from the green + island, who had only been some eighteen months in America. + </p> + <p> + “You seem annoyed by this affair, Julia; but how does it affect you?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, such a match can not turn out well. This Mr. Delaney is a young man, + only twenty-five, and what can he see in mother to induce him to marry + her? It can only be for the little pittance of property which she + possesses.” + </p> + <p> + I shrugged my shoulders while replying:— + </p> + <p> + “There must be some consideration in every marriage-contract.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! but, Edward, what sort of a man can it be to whom money is the + consideration for marrying a woman old enough to be his mother?” + </p> + <p> + “And so little money, too. But, Julia, perhaps he marries her as a mother. + He is a modest youth, who knows his juvenility, and seeks becoming + guardianship. But the thing does not concern us at all.” + </p> + <p> + “She is my mother, Edward.” + </p> + <p> + “True; but still I do not see that the matter should concern us. You do + not apprehend that Mr. Patrick Delaney will seek to exercise the authority + of a father over either of us?” + </p> + <p> + “No! but I fear she will repent.” + </p> + <p> + “Why should that be a subject of fear which should be a subject of + gratulation? For my part, I hope she may repent. We are told she can not + be saved else.” + </p> + <p> + Julia was silent. I continued:— + </p> + <p> + “But what brings her here, and makes her so suddenly affable with me? That + is certainly a matter which looks threatening. Does she explain this to + you, Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “Not otherwise than by declaring she is sorry for former differences.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, indeed! but her sorrow comes too late, and I very much suspect has + some motive. What more? the shaft is not yet shot.” + </p> + <p> + “You guess rightly; she invites us to the wedding, and insists that we + must come, as a proof that we harbor no malice.” + </p> + <p> + “Is that all?” + </p> + <p> + “All, I believe.” + </p> + <p> + “She is more considerate than I expected. Well, you promised her?” + </p> + <p> + “No; I told her I could say nothing without consulting you.” + </p> + <p> + “And would you wish to go, Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, surely, dear husband.” + </p> + <p> + “We will both go, then.” + </p> + <p> + A week afterward the affair took place, and we were among the spectators. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0026" id="link2HCH0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI. — THE HEART-FIEND FINDS AN ECHO FROM THE FIEND + WITHOUT. + </h2> + <p> + And a spectacle it was! Mrs. Clifford, about to become Mrs. Delaney, was + determined that the change in her situation should be distinguished by + becoming eclat. Always a silly woman, fond of extravagance and show, she + prepared to celebrate an occasion of the greatest folly in a style of + greater extravagance than ever. She accordingly collected as many of her + former numerous acquaintances as were still willing to appear within a + circle in which wealth was no longer to be found. Her house was small, + but, as has been elsewhere stated in this narrative, she had made it + smaller by stuffing it with the massive and costly furniture which had + been less out of place in her former splendid mansion, and had there much + better accorded with her fortunes. She now still further stuffed it with + her guests. Of course, many of those present, came only to make merry at + her expense. Her husband was almost entirely unknown to any of them; and + it was enough to settle his pretensions in every mind, that, in the vigor + of his youth, a really fine-looking, well-made person of twenty-five, he + was about to connect himself, in marriage, with a haggard old woman of + fifty, whose personal charms, never very great, were nearly all gone; and + whose mind and manners, the grace of youth being no more, were so very + deficient in all those qualities which might commend one to a husband. So + far as externals went, Mr. Delaney was a very proper man. He behaved with + sufficient decorum, and unexpected modesty; and went through the ordeal as + composedly as if the occurrence had been frequently before familiar; as + indeed we shall discover in the sequel, was certainly the case. But this + does not concern us now. + </p> + <p> + Three rooms were thrown open to the company. We had refreshments in + abundance and great variety, and at a certain hour, we were astounded by + the clamor of tamborine and fiddle giving due notice to the dancers. Among + my few social accomplishments, this of dancing had never been included. + Naturally, I should, perhaps, be considered an awkward man. I was + conscious of this awkwardness at all times when not excited by action or + some earnest motive. I was incapable of that graceful loitering, that + flexibleness of mind and body, which excludes the idea of intensity, of + every sort, and which constitutes one of the great essentials for success + in a ball-room. It was in this very respect that my FRIEND, William + Edgerton, may be said to have excelled most young men of our acquaintance. + He was what, in common speech, is called an accomplished man. Of very + graceful person, without much earnestness of character, he had acquired a + certain fastidiousness of taste on the subjects of costume and manners, + which, without Brummellizing, he yet carried to an extent which betrayed a + considerable degree of mental feebleness. This somewhat assimilated him to + the fashionable dandy. He walked with an air equally graceful, noble, and + unaffected. He was never on stilts, yet he was always EN REGLE. He had as + little maurias, honte as maurais ton. In short, whatever might have been + his deficiencies, he was confessedly a very neat specimen of the fine + gentleman in its most commendable social sense. + </p> + <p> + William Edgerton was among the guests of Mrs. Clifford. There had been no + previous intimacy between the Edgerton and Clifford families, yet he had + been specially invited. Mrs. C. could have had but a single motive for + inviting him—so I thought—that of making her evening a jam. + She had just that ambition of the lady of small fashion, who regards the + number rather than the quality of her guests, and would prefer a saloon + full of Esquimaux or Kanzas, and would partake of their sea-blubber, + rather than lose the triumph of making more noise than her rival + neighbors, the Sprigginses or Wigginses. + </p> + <p> + William Edgerton did not seek me; but, when I left the side of my wife to + pay my respects to some ladies at the opposite end of the room, he + approached her. A keen pang that rendered me unconscious of everything I + was saying—nay, even of the persons to whom I was addressing myself—shot + through my heart, as I beheld him crossing the floor to the place that I + had left. Involuntarily, the gracefulness of his person and carriage + provoked in my mind a contrast most unfavorable to me, between him and + myself. It was no satisfaction to me at that time to reflect that I was + less graceful only because I was more earnest, more sincere. This is + usually the case, and is reasonably accounted for. Intensity and great + earnestness of character, are wholly inconsistent with a nice attention to + forms, carriage, demeanor. But what does a lady care for such distinction? + Does she even suspect it? Not often. If she could only fancy for a moment + that the well-made but awkward man who traverses the room before her, + carried in his breast a soul of such ardency and volume that it subjected + his very motion arbitrarily to its own excitements, its own convulsions; + that the very awkwardness which offended her was the result of the most + deep and passionate feelings—feelings which, like the buried flame + in the mountain, are continually boiling up for utterance—convulsing + the prison-house which retained them—shaking the solid earth with + their pent throes, that will not always be pent! Ah! these things do not + move ladies' fancies. There are very few endowed with that thoughtful + pride which disdains surfaces. Julia Clifford was one of these few! But I + little knew it then. + </p> + <p> + The approach of William Edgerton to my wife was a signal for my torture + all that evening. From that moment my mind was wandering. I knew little + what I said, or looked, or did. My chat with those around me became, on a + sudden, bald and disjointed; and when I beheld the pair, both nobly formed—he + tall, graceful, manly—she, beautiful and bending as a lily—a + purity beaming, amid all their brightness, from her eyes—a purity + which, I had taught myself to believe, was no longer in her heart—when + I beheld them advance into the floor, conspicuous over all the rest, in + most eyes, as they certainly were in mine—I can not describe—you + may conjecture—the cold, fainting sickness which overcame my soul. I + could have lain myself down upon the lone, midnight rocks, and surrendered + myself to solitude and storm for ever. + </p> + <p> + They entered the stately measures of the Spanish dance But the grace of + movement which won the murmuring applause of all around me, only increased + the agony of my afflictions. I saw their linked arms—the compliant, + willing movements of their mutual forms—and dark were the images of + guilt and hateful suspicion which entered my brain and grew to vivid + forms, in action before me. I fancied the fierce, passionate yearnings in + the heart of Edgerton; I trembled when I conjectured what fancies filled + the heart of Julia. I can not linger over the torturing influence of those + moments—moments which seemed ages! Enough that I was maddened with + the delirium, now almost as its height, which had been for months preying + upon my brain like some corroding serpent. + </p> + <p> + The dance closed. Edgerton conducted her to a seat and placed himself + beside her. I kept aloof. I watched them from a distance; and in + sustaining this watch, I was compelled to recall my senses with a stern + degree of resolution which should save my feelings from the detection of + those inquisitive glances which I fancied were all around me. If I was + weakest among men, in the disease which destroyed my peace, Heaven knows I + was among the strongest of men in concealing its expression at the very + moment when every pulsation of my heart was an especial agony. I affected + indifference, threw myself into the midst of a group of such people as + talk of their neighbor's bonnets or breeches, the rise of stocks, or the + fall of rain; and how Mrs. Jenkins has set up her carriage, and Mr. + Higgins has been compelled to set down, and to sell out his. Interesting + details, perhaps, without which the nine in ten might as well be + tongueless or tongue-tied for ever. This stuff I had to hear, and requite + in like currency, while my brain was boiling, and dim, but terrible images + of strife, and storm, and agony, were rushing through it with howling and + hisses. There I sat, thus seemingly engaged, but with an eye ever glancing + covertly to the two, who, at that moment, absorbed every thought of my + mind, every feeling of my heart, and filled them both with the bitterest + commotion. The glances of their mutual eyes, the expression of lip and + check, I watched with the keenest analysis of suspicion. In Julia, I saw + sweetness mixed with a delicate reserve. She seemed to speak but little. + Her eyes wandered from her companion—frequently to where I sat—-but + I gave myself due credit, at such moments, for the ability with which I + conducted my own espionage. My inference—equally unjust and + unnatural—that her timid glances to my-self denoted in her bosom a + consciousness of wrong—seemed to me the most natural and inevitable + inference. And when I noted the ardency of Edgerton's gaze, his close, + unrelaxing attentions, the seeming forgetfulness of all around which he + manifested, I hurried to the conclusion that his words were of a character + to suit his looks, and betray in more emphatic utterance, the passion + which they also betrayed. + </p> + <p> + The signal, after a short respite, devoted to fruits, ices, &c., was + made for the dancers, and William Edgerton rose. I noted his bow to my + wife, saw that he spoke, and necessarily concluded, that he again + solicited her to dance. Her lips moved—she bowed slightly—and + he again took his seat beside her. I inferred from this that she declined + to dance a second time. She was certainly more prudent than himself. I + assigned to prudence—to policy—on her part, what might well + have been placed to a nobler motive. I went further. + </p> + <p> + “She will not dance with him,” said the busy fiend at my shoulder, “for + the very reason that she prefers a quiet seat beside him. In the dance + they mingle with others; they can not speak with so much ease and safety. + Now she has him all to herself.” + </p> + <p> + I dashed away, forgetful, gloomily, from the knot by which I had been + encompassed. I passed into the adjoining room, which was connected by + folding doors, with that I left. The crowd necessarily grouped itself + around the dancers, and (sic) a window-jamb, I stood absolutely forgetting + where I was alone among the many—with my eye stretching over the + heads of the flying masses, to the remote spot where my wife still sat + with Edgerton. I was aroused from my hateful dream by a slight touch upon + my arm. I started with a painful sense of my own weakness—with a + natural dread that the secret misery under which I labored was no longer a + secret. I writhed under the conviction that the cold, the sneering, and + the worthless, were making merry with my afflictions. I met the gaze of + the bride—the mistress of ceremonies—my wife's mother Mrs. + Delaney, late Clifford. I shuddered as I beheld her glance. I could not + mistake the volume of meaning in her smile—that wretched smile of + her thin, withered lips, brimful of malignant cunning, which said + emphatically as such smile could say:— + </p> + <p> + “I see you on the rack; I know that you are writhing; and I enjoy your + tortures.” + </p> + <p> + I started, as if to leave her, with a look of fell defiance, roused, ready + to burst forth into utterance, upon my own face. But she gently detained + my arm. + </p> + <p> + “You are troubled.” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! but you are. Stop awhile. You will feel better.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you; but I feel very well.” + </p> + <p> + “No, no, you do not. You can not deceive me. I know where the shoe + pinches; but what did you expect? Were you simple enough to imagine that a + woman would be true to her husband, who was false to her own mother?” + </p> + <p> + “Fiend!” I muttered in her ear. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha!” was the unmeasured response of the bel dame, loud enough for + the whole house to hear. I darted from her grasp, which would have + detained me still, made my way—how I know not—out of the + house, and found myself almost gasping for breath, in the open air of the + street. + </p> + <p> + She, at least, had been sagacious enough to find out my secret + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0027" id="link2HCH0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. — KINGSLEY. + </h2> + <p> + THE fiendish suggestion of the mother, against the purity of her own + child, almost divested me, for the moment, of my own rancor—almost + deprived me of my suspicions! Could anything have been more thoroughly + horrible and atrocious! It certainly betrayed how deep was the malignant + hatred which she had ever borne to myself, and of which her daughter was + now required to bear a portion. What a volume of human depravity was + opened on my sight, by that single utterance of this wretched mother. + Guilt and sin! ye are, indeed, the masters everywhere! How universal is + your dominion! How ye rage—how ye riot among souls, and minds, and + fancies—never utterly overthrown anywhere—busy always—everywhere—sovereign + in how many hapless regions of the heart! Who is pure among men? Who can + be sure of himself for a day—an hour? Precious few! None, certainly, + who do not distrust their own strength with a humility only to be won from + prayer—prayer coupled with moderate desires, and the presence of a + constant thought, which teaches that time is a mere agent of eternity, and + he who works for the one only, will not even be secure of peace during the + period for which he works. Truly, he who lives not for the future is the + very last who may reasonably hope to enjoy the blessings of the present. + </p> + <p> + But this was not the season, nor was mine the mood, for moral reflections + of any sort. My secret was known! That was everything. When the conduct of + William Edgerton had become such, as to awaken the notice of third + persons, I was justified in exacting from him the heavy responsibility he + had incurred. The vague, indistinct conviction had long floated before my + mind, that I would be required to take his life. The period which was to + render this task necessary, was that which had now arrived—when it + had been seen by others—not interested like myself—that he had + passed the bounds of propriety. Of course, I was arguing in a circle, from + which I should have found it impossible to extricate myself. Thousands + might have seen that I was jealous, without being able to see any just + cause for my jealousy. It was, however, quite enough for a proud spirit + like my own, that its secret fear should be revealed. It did not much + matter, after this, whether my suspicions were, or were not causeless. It + was enough that they were known—that busy, meddling women, and men + about town, should distinguish me with a finger—should say: “His + wife is very pretty and—very charitable!” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha!” + </p> + <p> + I, too, could laugh, under such musings, and in the spirit of Mrs. Delaney—late + Clifford. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha!” The street echoed, beneath the windows of that reputable + lady, with my involuntary, fiendish laughter. I stood there—and the + music rang through my senses like the cries of exulting demons. She was + there—of my wife the thoughts ran thus, she was there, whirling, + perchance, in the mazes of that voluptuous dance, then recently become + fashionable among us; his arm about her waist—her form inclining to + his, as if seeking support and succor—and both of them forgetting + all things but the mutual intoxication which swallowed up all things and + thoughts in the absorbing sensuality of one! Or, perhaps, still apart, + they sat to themselves—her ear fastened upon his lips—her + consciousness given wholly to his discourse; and that discourse!—“Ha! + ha! ha!”—I laughed again, as I hurried away from the spot, with + gigantic strides, taking the direction which led to my own lonely + dwelling. + </p> + <p> + All was stillness there, but there was no peace. I entered the piazza, + threw myself into a chair, and gazed out upon the leaves and waters, + trying to collect my scattered thoughts—trying to subdue my blood, + that my thoughts might meet in deliberation upon the desolating prospect + which was then spread before me. But I struggled for this in vain. But one + thought was mine at that hour. But one fearful image gathered in + completeness and strength before my mind; and that was one calculated to + banish all others and baffle all their deliberations. + </p> + <p> + “The blood of William Edgerton must be shed, and by these hands! My + disgrace is known! There is no help for it!” + </p> + <p> + I had repeatedly resolved this gloomy conviction in my mind. It was now to + receive shape and substance. It was a thing no longer to be thought upon. + It was a thing to be done! This necessity staggered me. The kindness of + the father, the kindness and long true friendship of the son himself, how + could I requite this after such a fashion? How penetrate the peaceful home + of that fond family with an arm of such violence, as to tend their + proudest offspring from the parental tree, and, perhaps, in destroying it, + blight for ever the venerable trunk upon which it was borne? Let it not be + fancied that these feelings were without effect. Let it not be supposed + that I weakly, willingly, yielded to the conviction of this cruel + necessity—that I determined, without a struggle, upon this seemingly + necessary measure! Verily, I then, in that dreary house and hour, wrestled + like a strong man with the unbidden prompter, who counselled me to the + deed of blood. I wrestled with him as the desperate man, knowing the + supernatural strength of his enemy, wrestles with a demon. The strife was + a fearful one. I could not suppress my groans of agony; and the cold sweat + gathered and stood upon my forehead in thick, clammy drops. + </p> + <p> + But the struggle was vain to effect my resolution. It had been too long + present as a distinct image before my imagination. I had already become + too familiar with its aspects. It had the look of a fate to my mind. I + fancied myself—as probably most men will do, whose self-esteem is + very active—the victim of a fate. My whole life tended to confirm + this notion. I was chosen out from the beginning for a certain work, in + which, my-self a victim, I was to carry out the designs of destiny in the + ease of other victims. I had struggled long not to believe this—not + to do this work. But the struggle was at last at an end. I was convinced, + finally. I was ready for the work. I was resigned to my fate. But oh! how + grateful once had one of these victims seemed in my eyes! How beautiful, + and still how dear was the other! + </p> + <p> + I rose from my seat and struggle, with the air of one strengthened by + thoughtful resolution for any act. Prayer could not have strengthened me + more. I felt a singular degree of strength. I can well understand that of + fanaticism from my own feelings. Nothing, in the shape of danger, could + have deterred me from the deed. I positively had no remaining fear. But, + how was it to be done? With this inquiry in my mind, still unanswered, I + took a light, went into my study, and drew from my escritoir the few small + weapons which I had in possession. These are soon named. One was a neat + little dirk—broad in blade, double-edged, short—sufficient for + all my purposes. I examined my pistols and loaded them—a small, neat + pair, the present of Edgerton himself. This fact determined me not to use + them. I restored them to the escritoir; put the dagger between the folds + of my vest, and prepared to leave the house. + </p> + <p> + At this moment a heavy knocking was heard at the gate I resumed my seat in + the piazza until the servant should report the nature of the interruption. + He was followed in by my friend Kingsley. + </p> + <p> + “I am glad to find you home,” said he abruptly, grasping my hand; “home, + and not a-bed. The hour is late, I know, but the devil never keeps + ordinary hours, and men, driven by his satanic majesty, have some excuse + for following his example.” + </p> + <p> + This exordium promised something unusual. The manner of Kingsley betrayed + excitement. Nay, it was soon evident he had been taking a superfluous + quantity of wine. His voice was thick, and he spoke excessively loud in + order to be intelligible. There was something like a defying desperation + in his tones, in the dare-devil swagger of his movement, and the almost + iron pressure of his grasp upon my fingers. I subdued my own passions—nay, + they were subdued—singularly so, by the resolution I had made before + his entrance, and was able, therefore, to appear calm and smooth as summer + water in his eyes. + </p> + <p> + “What's the matter?” I asked. “You seem excited. No evil, I trust?” + </p> + <p> + “Evil, indeed! Not much; but even if it were, I tell you Ned Clifford, I + am just now in the mood to say, 'Evil be thou my good!' I have reason to + say it; and, by the powers, it will not be said only. I will make evil my + good after a fashion of my own; but how much good or now little evil, will + be yet another question.” + </p> + <p> + I was interested, in spite of myself, by the vehemence and unusual + seriousness of my companion's manner. It somewhat harmonized with my own + temper, and in a measure beguiled me into a momentary heedlessness of my + particular griefs. I urged him to a more frank statement of the things + that troubled him. + </p> + <p> + “Can I serve you in anything?” was the inquiry which concluded my + assurance that I was sufficiently his friend to sympathize with him in his + afflictions. + </p> + <p> + “You can serve me, and I need your service. You can serve me in two + respects; nay, if you do not, I know not which side to turn for service. + In the first place, then, I wish a hundred dollars, and I wish it + to-night. In the next place, I wish a companion—a man not easily + scared, who will follow where I lead him, and take part in a 'knock down + and drag out,' if it should become necessary, without asking the why and + the wherefore.” + </p> + <p> + “You shall have the money, Kingsley.” + </p> + <p> + “Stay! Perhaps I may never pay it you again.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall regret that, for I can ill afford to lose any such sum; but, even + to know that would not prevent me from lending you in your need. It is + enough that you are in want. You tell me you are.” + </p> + <p> + “I am; but my wants are not such as a pure moralist, however strong might + be his friendship, would be disposed to gratify. I shall stake that money + on the roll of the dice.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible! You do not game!” + </p> + <p> + “True as a gospel! Hark you, Clifford, and save us the homily. I am a + ruined man—ruined by the d—-d dice and the deceptive cards. I + shall pay you back the hundred dollars, but I shall have precious little + after that.” + </p> + <p> + “But, surely, I was not misinformed. You were rich a few years ago.” + </p> + <p> + “A few months! But the case is the same. I am poor now. My riches had + wings. I am reduced to my tail-feathers; but I will flourish with these to + the last. I have fallen among thieves. They have clipped my plumage—close! + close! They have stripped me of everything, but some small matters which, + when sold, will just suffice to get me horse or halter. Some dirty acres + in Alabama, are all I absolutely have remaining of any real value. But + there is one thing that I may have, if I stake boldly for it.” + </p> + <p> + “You will only lose again. The hope of a gamester rises, in due degree, + with the increasing lightness of his pockets.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not mistake me. I hope nothing from your hundred dollars; indeed, + fifty will answer. I propose to employ it only as a pretext. I expect to + lose it, and lose it this very night. But it will give me an opportunity + to ascertain what I have suspected—too late, indeed, to save myself—that + I have been the victim of false dice and figured cards. You say you will + let me have the money—will you go with me—Will you see me + through?” + </p> + <p> + He extended his hand as he spoke, I grasped it. He shook it with a hearty + feeling, while a bright smile almost, dissipated the cloud from his face. + </p> + <p> + “You are a man, Clifford; and now, would you believe it, our excellent, + immaculate young friend, Mr. William Edgerton, refused me this money.” + </p> + <p> + “Strange! Edgerton is not selfish—he is not mean! From THAT vice he + is certainly free.” + </p> + <p> + “By G-d, I don't know that! He refused me the money; refused to go with + me. I saw him at eight o'clock, at his own room, where he was rigging + himself out for some d—-d tea-drinking; told him my straits, my + losses, my object and all; and what was his plea, think you? Why, he + disapproved of gambling; couldn't think of lending me a sixpence for any + such purpose; and, as for going into such a suspected quarter as a + gambling-house—wouldn't do it for the world! Was there ever such a + puritan—such a humbug!” + </p> + <p> + I did William Edgerton only justice in my reply;— + </p> + <p> + “I've no doubt, Kingsley, that such are his real principles. He would have + lent you thrice the money, freely, had not your object been avowed.” + </p> + <p> + “But what a devil sort of despotism is that! Can't a friend get drunk, or + game, or swagger? may he not depart from the highway, and sidle into an + alley, without souring his friend's temper and making him stingy? I don't + understand it at all. I'm glad, at least, to find you are of another sort + of stuff.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay, Kingsley, I will lend you the money—go with you, as you + desire; but, understand me, I do not, no more than Edgerton, approve of + this gambling.” + </p> + <p> + “Tut, tut! I don't want you to preach, though I could hear you with a + devilish sight better temper than him. There's a hundred things that one's + friend don't approve of, but shall he desert him for all that? Leave him + to be plucked, and kicked, and abandoned; and, moralizing, with a grin + over his fain, say, 'I told you so!' No! no! Give me the fellow that'll + stand by me—keep me out of evil, if he can, but stand by me, + nevertheless, at all events; and not suffer me to be swallowed up at the + last moment, when an outstretched finger might save!” + </p> + <p> + “But, am I to think, Kingsley, that my help can do this?” + </p> + <p> + “No! not exactly—it may—but if it does not, what then? I shall + lose the money, but you shan't. But, truth to speak, Clifford, I do not + propose to myself the recovery of what is lost. I know I have been the + prey of sharpers. That is to say, I have every reason to believe so, and I + have had a hint to that effect. I have a spice of the devil in me, + accordingly—a mocking, mortifying devil, that jeers me with my d—-d + simplicity; and I propose to go and let the swindlers know, in a way as + little circuitous as possible, that I am not blind to the fact that they + have made an ass of me. There will be some satisfaction, in that. I will + write myself down an ass, for their benefit, only to enjoy the + satisfaction of kicking a little like one. I invite you on a kicking + expedition.” + </p> + <p> + I felt for my dagger in my bosom, as I answered: “Very good! Have you + weapons?” + </p> + <p> + “Hickory! You see! a moderate axe-handle, that'll make its sentiments + understood You are warned; you see what you are to expect. I will not take + you in. Are you ready for a scratch?” + </p> + <p> + “Allons!” I replied indifferently. The truth is, my bosom was full of a + recklessness of a far more sweeping character than his own. I was in the + mood for strife. It promised only the more thoroughly to prepare me for + the darker trial which was before me, and which my secret soul was + meditating all the while with an intense and gloomy tenacity of purpose. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0028" id="link2HCH0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII. — MORALS OF ENTERPRISE. + </h2> + <p> + I got him the money he required; and we were about to set forth, when he + exclaimed abruptly:— + </p> + <p> + “Put money in thy own purse, Clifford. It may be necessary to practise a + little ruse de guerre. In playing my game, it may be important that you + should deem to play one also. You have no scruples to fling the dice or + flirt the cards for the nonce.” + </p> + <p> + “None! But I should like to know your plans. Tell me, in the first place, + your precise object.” + </p> + <p> + “Simply to detect certain knaves, and save certain fools. The knaves have + ruined me, and I make no lamentations; but there are others in their + clutches still, quite as ignorant as myself, who may be saved before they + are stripped entirely. The object is not a bad one; for the rest, trust to + me. I mean no harm; a little mischief only; and, at most, a tweak of one + proboscis or more. There's risk, of a certainty, as there is in sucking an + egg; but you are a man! Not like that d—d milksop, who gives up his + friend as soon as he gets poor, and proffers him a sermon by way of + telling him—precious information, truly—that he's in a fair + way to the devil. The toss of a copper for such friendship.” + </p> + <p> + The humor of Kingsley tallied somewhat with my own. It had in it a spice + of recklessness which pleased me. Perhaps, too, it tended somewhat to + relieve and qualify the intenseness of that excitement in my brain, which + sometimes rose to such a pitch as led me to apprehend madness. That I was + a monomaniac has been admitted, perhaps not a moment too soon for the + author's candor. The sagacity of the reader made him independent of the + admission. + </p> + <p> + “Your beggar,” said he, somewhat abruptly, “has the only true feeling of + independence. Absolutely, I never knew till now what it was to be + thoroughly indifferent to what might come to-morrow. I positively care for + nothing. I am the first prince Sans Souci. That shall be my title when I + get among the Cumanches. I will have a code of laws and constitution to + suit my particular humor, and my chief penalties shall be inflicted upon + your fellows who grunt. A sigh shall incur a week's solitary confinement; + a sour look, pillory; and for a groan, the hypochondriac shall lose his + head! My prime minister shall be the fellow who can longest use his tongue + without losing his temper; and the man who can laugh and jest shall always + have his plate at my table. Good-humored people shall have peculiar + privileges. It shall be a certificate in one's favor, entitling him to so + many acres, that he takes the world kindly. Such a man shall have two + wives, provided he can keep them peacefully in the same house. His + daughters shall have dowries from government. The prince of Sans Souci + will himself provide for them.” + </p> + <p> + I made some answer, half jest, half earnest, in a mood of mocking + bitterness, which, perhaps, more truly accorded with the temper of both of + us. He did not perceive the bitterness, however. + </p> + <p> + “You jest, but mine is not altogether jest. Half-serious glimpses of what + I tell you float certainly before my eyes. Such things may happen yet, and + the southwest is the world in which you are yet to see many wondrous + things. The time must come when Texas shall stretch to Mexico. These + miserable slaves and reptiles—mongrel Spaniards and mongrel Indians—can + not very long bedevil that great country. It must fall into other hands. + It must be ours; and who, when that time comes, will carry into the field + more thorough claims than mine. Master of myself, fearing nothing, caring + for nothing; with a gallant steed that knows my voice, and answers with + whinny and pricked ears to my encouragement; with a rifle that can clip a + Mexican—dollar or man—at a hundred yards, and a heart that can + defy the devil over his own dish, and with but one spoon between us—and + who so likely to win his principality as myself? Look to see it, Clifford, + I shall be a prince in Mexico; and when you hear of the prince Sans Souci + be assured you know the man. Seek me then, and ask what you will. You have + CARTE BLANCHE from this moment.” + </p> + <p> + “I shall certainly keep it in mind, prince.” + </p> + <p> + “Do so: laugh as you please; it is only becoming that you should laugh in + the presence of Sans Souci; but do not laugh in token of irreverence. You + must not be too skeptical. It does not follow because I am a dare-devil + that I am a thoughtless one. I have been so, perhaps, but from this moment + I go to work! I shall be fettered by fortune no longer. Thank Heaven, that + is now done—gone—lost; I am free from its incumbrance! I feel + myself a prince, indeed; a man, every inch of me. This night I devote as a + fitting finish to my old lifeless existence. + </p> + <p> + “Hear me!” he continued; “you laugh again, Clifford—very good! Laugh + on, but hear me. You shall hear more of me in time to come. I fancy I + shall be a fellow of considerable importance, not in Texas simply, or in + Mexico, but here—here in your own self-opinionated United States. + Suppose a few things, and go along with me while I speak them. That Texas + must stretch to Mexico I hold to be certain. A very few years will do + that. It needs only thirty thousand more men from our southern and + southwestern States, and the brave old English tongue shall arouse the + best echoes in the city of Montezuma! That done, and floods of people pour + in from all quarters. It needs nothing but a feeling of security and peace—a + conviction that property will be tolerably safe, under a tolerably stable + government—in other words, an Anglo-Saxon government—to tempt + millions of discontented emigrants from all quarters of the world. Will + this result have no results of its own, think you? Will the immense + resources of Mexico and Texas, represented, as they then will be, by a + stern, pressing, performing people, have no effect upon these states of + yours? They will have the greatest; nay, they will become essential to + balance your own federal weight, and keep you all in equilibrio. For look + you, the first hubbub with Great Britain gives you Canada, at the expense + of some of your coast-towns, a few millions of treasure, and the loss of + fifty thousand men. A bad exchange for the south; for Canada will make six + ponderous states, the policy and character of which will be New England + all over. To balance this you will have your Florida territory, {Footnote: + Florida, since admitted, but unhappily, as a single state.} of which two + feeble states may be made. Not enough for your purposes. But the same war + with England will render it necessary that your fleet should take + possession of Cuba; which, after a civil apology to Spain for taking such + a liberty with her possessions, and, perhaps, a few million by way of hush + money, you carve into two more states, and, in this manner, try to bolster + up your federal relations. How many of her West India islands Great + Britain will be able to keep after such a war, is another problem, the + solution of which will depend upon the relative strength of fleets and + success of seamanship. These islands, which should of right be ours, and + without which we can never be sure against any maritime power so great and + so arrogant as England, once conquered by our arms, find their natural, + moral, and social affinities in the southern states entirely; and, so far, + contribute to strengthen you in your congressional conflicts. But these + are not enough, for the simple reason that the population of states, + purely agricultural, never makes that progress which is made in this + respect by a commercial and manufacturing people. With the command of the + gulf, the possession of an independent fleet by the Texans, the political + characteristics of the states of Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Alabama, + Mississippi, Louisiana, and Arkansas, must undergo certain marked changes, + which can only be neutralized by the adoption, on the part of these + states, of a new policy corresponding with their change of interests. How + far the cultivation of cotton by Texas will lead to its abandonment in + Carolina and Georgia, is a question which the next ten years must solve. + That they will be compelled to abandon it is inevitable, unless they can + succeed in raising the article at six cents; a probability which no + cotton-planter in either of these states will be willing to contemplate + now for an instant. Meanwhile, Texas is spreading herself right and left. + She conquers the Cumanches, subdues the native mongrel Mexicans. Her + Hoestons and Lamars are succeeded by other and abler men, under whose + control the evils of government, which followed the sway of such small + animals as the Guerreros, and the Bolivars, the Bustamentes, and Sant' + Annas, are very soon eradicated; and the country, the noblest that God + ever gave to man in the hands of men, becomes a country!—a great and + glorious country—stretching from the gulf to the Pacific, and + providing the natural balance, which, in a few years, the southern state + of this Union will inevitably need, by which alone your great confederacy + will be kept together. You see, therefore, why I speed to Texas. Should I + not, with my philosophy, my horse and my rifle—not to speak of stout + heart and hand—reasonably aspire to the principality of Sans Souci? + Laugh, if you please, but be not irreverent. You shall have carte blanche + then if you will have a becoming faith now, on the word of a prince. I say + it, It is written—Sans Souci.” {Footnote: All these speculations + were written in 1840-'41. I need not remark upon those which have since + been verified.} + </p> + <p> + “Altissimo, excellentissimo, serenissimo!” + </p> + <p> + “Bravissimo, you improve; you will make a courtier—but mum now about + my projects. We must suppress our dignities here. We are at the entrance + of our hell!” + </p> + <p> + We had reached the door of a low habitation in a secluded street. The + house was of wood—an ordinary hovel of two stories. A cluster of + similar fabrics surrounded it, most of which I afterward discovered—though + this fact could not be conjectured by an observer from the street—were + connected by blind alleys, inner courts, and chambers and passages running + along the ground floors. We stopped an instant, Kingsley having his hand + upon the little iron knocker, a single black ring, that worked against an + ordinary iron knob. + </p> + <p> + “Before I knock,” said he, in a whisper, “before I knock, Clifford, let me + say that if you have any reluctance—” + </p> + <p> + “None! none! knock!” + </p> + <p> + “You will meet with some dirty rascals, and you must not only meet them + with seeming civility, but as if you shared in their tastes—sought + the same objects only—the getting of money—the only object + which alone is clearly comprehensible by their understanding.” + </p> + <p> + “Go ahead! I will see you through.” + </p> + <p> + “A word more! Get yourself in play at a different table from me. You will + find rogues enough around, ready to relieve you of your Mexicans. Leave me + to my particular enemy; you will soon see whose shield I touch—but + keep an occasional eye upon us; and all that I ask farther at your hands, + should you see us by the ears, is to keep other fingers from taking hold + of mine.” + </p> + <p> + A heavy stroke of the knocker, followed by three light ones and a second + heavy stroke, produced us an answer from within. The door unclosed, and by + the light of a dim lamp, I discovered before me, as a sort of warden, a + little yellow, weather-beaten, skin-dried Frenchman, whom I had frequently + before seen at a fruit-shop in another part of the city. He looked at me, + however, without any sign of recognition—with a blank, dull, + indifferent countenance; motioned us forward in silence, and reclosing the + door, sunk into a chair immediately behind it. I followed my companion + through a passage which was unfathomably dark, up a flight of stairs, + which led us into a sort of refreshment room. Tables were spread, with + decanters, glasses, and tumblers upon them, that appeared to be in + continual use. In a recess, stood that evil convenience of most American + establishments, whether on land or sea, a liquor bar; its shelves crowded + with bottles, all of which seemed amply full, and ready to complete the + overthrow of the victim, which the other appliances of such a dwelling + must already have actively begun. + </p> + <p> + “Here you may take in the Dutch courage, Clifford, should you lack the + native. This, I know, is not the case with you, and yet the novelty of + one's situation frequently overcomes a sensitive mind like fear. Perhaps a + julep may be of use.” + </p> + <p> + “None for me. I need no farther stimulant than the mere sense of movement. + I take fire, like a wheel, by my own progress.” + </p> + <p> + “Pretty much the same case with myself. But I have been in the habit of + drinking here, of late, and too deeply. To-night, however, as I said + before, ends all these habits. If there is honey in the carcass, and + strength from the sleep, there is wisdom from the folly, and virtue from + the vice. There is a moral as well as a physical recoil, that most + certainly follows the overcharge; and really, speaking according to my + sincere conviction I never felt myself to be a better man, than just at + this moment when I am about to do that which my own sense of morality + fails altogether to justify. I do not know that I make you understand my + feelings; I scarcely understand them myself; but of this sort they are, + and I am really persuaded that I never felt in a better disposition to be + a good man and a working man than just at the close of a career which has + been equally profligate and idle.” + </p> + <p> + I think my companion can be understood. There seems, in fact very little + mystery in his moral progress. I understood him, but did not answer. I was + not anxious to keep up the ball of conversation which he had begun with a + spirit so mixed up of contradictions—so earnest yet so playful. A + deep sense of shame unquestionably lurked beneath his levity; and yet I + make no question that he felt in truth, and for the first time, that + degree of mental hardihood of which he boasted. + </p> + <p> + He advanced through the refreshment-room, to a door which led to an + apartment in an adjoining tenement. It was closed, but unfastened. The + sound of voices, an occasional buzz, or a slight murmur, came to our ears + from within; that of rattling dice and rolling balls was more regular and + more intelligible. Kingsley laid his hand upon the latch, and looked round + to me. His eye was kindled with a playful sort of malicious light. A smile + of pleasant bitterness was on his lips. He said to me in a whisper:— + </p> + <p> + “Stake your money slowly. A Mexican is the lowest stake. Keep to that, and + lose as little as possible. You will soon see me sufficiently busy, and I + will endeavor to urge my labors forward, so as to make your purgatory a + short one. I shall only wait till I feel myself cheated in the game, to + begin that which I came for. See that I have fair play in THAT, MON AMI, + and I care very little about the other.” + </p> + <p> + He lifted the latch as he concluded, and I followed him into the + apartment. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0029" id="link2HCH0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX. — THE HELL. + </h2> + <p> + The scene that opened upon us was, to me, a painfully interesting one. It + was a mere hell, without any of those attractive adjuncts which, in a + diseased state of popular refinement, such as exists in the fashionable + atmospheres of London and Paris, provides it with decorations, and + conceals its more discouraging and offensive externals. The charms of + music, lovely women, gay lights, and superb drapery and furniture, were + here entirely wanting. No other arts beyond the single passion for hazard, + which exists, I am inclined to think, in a greater or less degree in every + human breast, were here employed to beguile the young and unsuspecting + mind into indulgence. The establishment into which I had fallen, seemed to + presuppose an acquaintance, already formed, of the gamester with his + fascinating vice. It was evidently no place to seduce the uninitiate. The + passion must have been already awakened—the guardianship of the good + angel lulled into indifference or slumber—before the young mind + could be soon reconciled to the moral atmosphere of such a scene. + </p> + <p> + The apartment was low and dimly lighted. Groups of small tables intended + for two persons were all around. In the centre of the floor were tables of + larger size, which were surrounded by the followers of Pharo. Unoccupied + tables, here and there, were sprinkled with cards and domino; while, as if + to render the characteristics of the place complete, a vapor of smoke and + a smell of beer assailed our senses as we entered. + </p> + <p> + There were not many persons present—I conjectured, at a glance, that + there might be fifteen; but we heard occasional voices from an inner room, + and a small door opening in the rear discovered a retreat like that we + occupied, in the dim light of which I perceived moving faces and shadows, + and Kingsley informed me that there were several rooms all similarly + occupied with ours. + </p> + <p> + An examination of the persons around me, increased the unpleasant feelings + which the place had inspired. With the exception of a few, the greater + number were evidently superior to their employments. Several of them were + young men like my companion—men not yet lost to sensibility, who + looked up with some annoyance as they beheld Kingsley accompanied by a + stranger. Two or three of the inmates were veteran gamesters. You could + see THAT in their business-like nonchalance—their rigid muscles—the + manner at once demure and familiar. They were evidently “habitues del + l'enfer”—men to whom cards and dice were as absolutely necessary + now, as brandy and tobacco to the drunkard. These men were always at play. + Even the smallest interval found them still shuffling the cards, and + looking up at every opening of the door, as if in hungering anticipation + of the prey. At such periods alone might you behold any expression of + anxiety in their faces. This disappeared entirely the moment that they + were in possession of the victim. That imperturbable composure which + distinguished them was singularly contrasted with the fidgety eagerness + and nervous rapidity by which you could discover the latter; and I glanced + over the operations of the two parties, as they were fairly shown in + several sets about the room, with a renewed feeling of wonder how a man so + truly clever and strong, in some things, as Kingsley, should allow himself + to be drawn so deeply into such low snares; the tricks of which seemed so + apparent, and the attractions of which, in the present instance, were + obviously so inferior and low. I little knew by what inoffensive and + gradual changes the human mind, having once commenced its downward + progress, can hurry to the base; nor did I sufficiently allow for that + love of hazard itself, in games of chance, which I have already expressed + the opinion, is natural to the proper heart of man, belongs to a rational + curiosity, and arises, most probably, from that highest property of his + intellect, namely, the love of art and intellectual ingenuity. It would be + very important to know this fact, since then, instead of the blind + hostility which is entertained for sports of this description, by certain + classes of moralists among us, we might so employ their ministry as to + deprive them of their hurtfulness and make them permanently beneficial in + the cause of good education. + </p> + <p> + Kingsley seemed to conjecture my thoughts. A smile of lofty significance + expressing a feeling of mixed scorn and humility, rose upon his + countenance—as if admitting his own feebleness, while insisting upon + his recovered strength, A sentence which he uttered to me in a whisper, at + this moment, was intended to convey some such meaning. + </p> + <p> + “It was only when thrown to the earth, Clifford, that the wrestler + recovered his strength.” + </p> + <p> + “That fable,” I replied, “proves that he was no god, at least. Of the + earth, earthy, he found strength only in his sphere. The moment he aspired + above it the god crushed him. I doubt if Hercules could have derived any + benefit from the same source.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! I am no Hercules, but you will also find that I am no Antaeus. I + fall, but I rise again, and I am not crushed. This is peculiarly the + source of HUMAN strength.” + </p> + <p> + “Better not to fall.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! you are too late from Utopia. But—” + </p> + <p> + We were interrupted; a voice at my elbow—a soft, clear, insinuating + voice addressed my companion:— + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Monsieur Kingsley, I rejoice to see you.” + </p> + <p> + Kingsley gave me a single look, which said everything, as he turned to + meet the new-comer. The latter continued:— + </p> + <p> + “Though worsted in that last encounter, you do not despair, I see.” + </p> + <p> + “No! why should I?” + </p> + <p> + “True, why? Fortune baffles skill, but what of that? She is capricious. + Her despotism is feminine; and in her empire, more certainly than any + other, it may be said boldly, that, with change of day there is change of + doom. It is not always rain.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps not, but we may have such a long spell of it that everything is + drowned. 'It's a long lane,' says the proverb, 'that has no turn;' but a + man be done up long before he gets to the turning place.” + </p> + <p> + The other replied by some of the usual commonplaces by which, in + condescending language, the gamester provoked and stimulates his + unconscious victim. Kingsley, however, had reached a period of experience + which enabled him to estimate these phrases at their proper worth. + </p> + <p> + “You would encourage me,” he said quietly, and in tones which, to the + unnoteful ear, would have seemed natural enough, but which, knowing him as + I did, were slightly sarcastic, and containing a deeper signification than + they gave out: “but you are the better player. I am now convinced of that. + Something there is in fortune, doubtless; my self-esteem makes me willing + to admit that; and yet I do not deceive myself. You have been too much for + me—you are!” + </p> + <p> + “The difference is trifling, very trifling, I suspect. A little more + practice will soon reconcile that.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! you forget the practice is to be paid for.” + </p> + <p> + “True, but it is the base spirit only that scruples at the cost of its + accomplishments.” + </p> + <p> + “Surely, surely!” + </p> + <p> + “You are fresh for the encounter to-night?” + </p> + <p> + “Pleasantly put! Is the query meant for the player or his purse?” + </p> + <p> + “Good, very good! Why, truly, there is no necessary affinity between + them.” + </p> + <p> + “And yet the one without the other would scarcely be able to commend + himself to so excellent an artist as Mr. Latour Cleveland. Clifford, let + me introduce you to my ENEMY; Mr. Cleveland, my FRIEND.” + </p> + <p> + In this manner was I introduced. Thus was I made acquainted with the + particular individual whom it was the meditated purpose of Kingsley to + expose. But, though thus marked in the language of his introduction, there + was nothing in the tone or manner of my companion, at all calculated to + alarm the suspicions of the other. On the contrary, there was a sort of + reckless joviality in the air of ABANDON, with which he presented me and + spoke. A natural curiosity moved me to examine Cleveland more closely. He + was what we should call, in common speech, a very elegant young man. He + was probably thirty or thirty-five years of age, tall, graceful, rather + slenderish, and of particular nicety in his dress. All his clothes were + disposed with the happiest precision. White kid-gloves covered his taper + fingers. Withdrawn, a rich diamond blazed upon one hand, while a + seal-ring, of official dimensions, with characters cut in lava, decorated + the other. His movements betrayed the same nice method which distinguished + the arrangement of his dress. His evolutions might all have been performed + by trumpet signal, and to the sound of measured music. He was evidently + one of those persons whose feelings are too little earnest, ever to affect + their policy; too little warm ever to disparage the rigor of their + customary play; one of those cold, nice men, who, without having a single + passion at work to produce one condition of feeling higher than another, + are yet the very ideals of the most narrow and concentrated selfishness. + His face was thin, pale, and intelligent. His lips were thick, however—the + eyes bright, like those of a snake, but side-looking, never direct, never + upward, and always with a smiling shyness in their glance, in which a + suspicious mind like my own would always find sufficient occasion for + distrust. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Cleveland bestowed a single keen glance upon me while going through + the ordeal of introduction. But his scrutiny labored under one + disadvantage. His eyes did not encounter mine! One loses a great deal, if + his object be the study of human nature, if he fails in this respect. + </p> + <p> + “Much pleasure in making your acquaintance, Mr. Clifford; I trust, + however, you will find me no worse enemy than your friend has done.” + </p> + <p> + “If he find YOU no worse, he will find himself no better. He will pay for + his enmity, whatever its degree, as I have done, and be wiser, by reason + of his losses.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! you think too much of your ill fortunes. That is bad. It takes from + your confidence and so enfeebles your skill. You should think of it less + seriously. Another cast, and the tables change. You will have your + revenge.” + </p> + <p> + “I WILL!” said Kingsley with some emphasis, and a gravity which the other + did not see. He evidently heard the words only as he had been accustomed + to hear them—from the lips of young gamesters who perpetually delude + themselves with hopes based upon insane expectations. A benignant smile + mantled the cheeks of the gamester. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, well! I am ready; but if you think me too much for you—” + </p> + <p> + He paused. The taunt was deliberately intended. It was the customary taunt + of the gamester. On the minds of half the number of young men, it would + have had the desired effect—of goading vanity, and provoking the + self-esteem of the conceited boy into a sort of desperation, when the + powers of sense and caution become mostly suspended, and no unnecessary + suspicion or watchfulness then interferes to increase the difficulty of + plucking the pigeon. I read the smile on Kingsley's lip. It was brief, + momentary, pleasantly contemptuous. Then, suddenly, as if he had newly + recollected his policy, his countenance assumed a new expression—one + more natural to the youth who has been depressed by losses, vexed at + defeat, but flatters himself that the atonement is at hand. Perhaps, + something of the latent purpose of his mind increased the intense + bitterness in the manner and tones of my companion. + </p> + <p> + “Too much for me, Mr. Cleveland! No, no! You are willing, I see, to rob + good fortune of some of her dues. You crow too soon. I have a shrewd + presentiment that I shall be quite too much FOR YOU to-night.” + </p> + <p> + A pleasant and well-satisfied smile of Cleveland answered the speaker. + </p> + <p> + “I like that,” said he; “it proves two things, both of which please me. + Your trifling losses have not hurt your fortunes nor the adverse run of + luck made you despond of better success hereafter. It is something of a + guaranty in favor of one's performance that he is sure of himself. In such + case he is equally sure of his opponent.” + </p> + <p> + “Look to it, then, for I have just that sort of self-guaranty which makes + me sure of mine. I shall play deeply, that I may make the most of my + presentiments. Nay, to show you how confident I am, this night restores me + all that I have lost, or leaves me nothing more to lose.” + </p> + <p> + The eyes of the other brightened. + </p> + <p> + “That is said like a man. I thank you for your warning. Shall we begin?” + </p> + <p> + “Ready, ay, ready!” was the response of Kingsley, as he turned to one of + the tables. Quietly laying down upon it the short, heavy stick which he + carried, he threw off his gloves, and rubbed his hands earnestly together, + laughing the while without restraint, as if possessed suddenly of some + very pleasant and ludicrous fancy. + </p> + <p> + “They laugh who win,” remarked Cleveland, with something of coldness in + his manner. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha!” was the only answer of Kingsley to this remark. The other + continued—and I now clearly perceived that his purpose was + provocation:— + </p> + <p> + “It is certainly a pleasure to win your money, Kingsley—you bear it + with so much philosophy. Nay, it seems to give you pleasure, and thus + lessens the pain I should otherwise feel in receiving the fruits of my + superiority.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha!” again repeated Kingsley. “Excuse me, Mr. Cleveland. I am + reminded of your remark, 'They laugh who win.' I am laughing, as it were, + anticipatively. I am so certain that I shall have my revenge to-night.” + </p> + <p> + Cleveland looked at him for a moment with some curiosity, then called:— + </p> + <p> + “Philip!” + </p> + <p> + He was answered by a young mulatto—a tall, good-looking fellow, who + approached with a mixed air of equal deference and self-esteem, plaited + frills to a most immaculately white shirt-collar, a huge bulbous breastpin + in his bosom, chains and seals, and all the usual equipments of Broadway + dandyism. The fellow approached us with a smile; his eyes looking + alternately to Cleveland and Kingsley, and, as I fancied, with no + unequivocal sneer in their expression, as they settled on the latter. A + significance of another kind appeared in the look of Cleveland as he + addressed him. + </p> + <p> + “Get us the pictures, Philip—the latest cuts—and bring—ay, + you may bring the ivories.” + </p> + <p> + In a few moments, the preliminaries being despatched, the two were seated + at a table, and a couple of packs of cards were laid beside them. Kingsley + drew my attention to the cards. They were of a kind that my experience had + never permitted me to see before. In place of ordinary kings and queens + and knaves, these figures were represented in attitudes and costumes the + most indecent—such as the prolific genius of Parisian bawdry alone + could conceive and delineate. It seems to be a general opinion among + rogues that knavery is never wholly triumphant unless the mind is + thoroughly degraded; and for this reason it is, perhaps, that + establishments devoted to purposes like the present, have, in most + countries, for their invariable adjuncts, the brothel and the bar-room. If + they are not in the immediate tenement, they are sufficiently nigh to make + the work of moral prostitution comparatively easy, in all its + ramifications, with the young and inconsiderate mind. Kingsley turned over + the cards, and I could see that while affecting to show me the pictures he + was himself subjecting the cards to a close inspection of another kind. + This object was scarcely perceptible to myself, who knew his suspicions, + and could naturally conjecture his policy. It did not excite the alarm of + his antagonist. + </p> + <p> + The parties sat confronting each other. Kingsley drew forth a wallet, + somewhat ostentatiously, which he laid down beside him. The sight of his + wallet staggered me. By its bulk I should judge it to have held thousands; + yet he had assured me that he had nothing beside, the one hundred dollars + which he had procured from me. My surprise increased as I saw him open the + wallet, and draw from one of its pockets the identical roll which I had + put into his hands. The bulk of the pocket-book seeemed (sic) scarcely to + be diminished. My suspicions were beginning to be roused. I began to think + that he had told me a falsehood; but he looked up at this instant, and a + bright manly smile on his deep purposeful countenance, reassured me. I + felt that there was some policy in the business which was not for me then + to fathom. The cards were cut. A box of dice was also in the hands of + Cleveland. + </p> + <p> + “Spots or pictures?” said Cleveland. + </p> + <p> + “Pictures first, I suppose,” said Kingsley, “till the blood gets up. The + ivories then as the most rapid. But these pictures are really so tempting. + A new supply, Philip!” + </p> + <p> + “Just received, sir,” said the other. + </p> + <p> + “And how shall we begin?” demanded Cleveland, drawing a handful of bills, + gold, and silver, from his pocket; “yellow, white, or brown?” + </p> + <p> + It was thus, I perceived, that gold, silver, and paper money, were + described. + </p> + <p> + “Shall it be child's play, or—” + </p> + <p> + “Man's, man's!” replied Kingsley, with some impatience “I am for beginning + with a cool hundred,” and, to my consternation, he unfolded the roll he + had of me, counted out the bills, refolded them and placed them in a + saucer, where they were soon covered with a like sum by his antagonist. I + was absolutely sickened, and stared aghast upon my reckless companion. He + looked at me with a smile. + </p> + <p> + “To your own game, Clifford. You will find men enough for your money in + either of the rooms. Should you run short, come to me.” + </p> + <p> + Thus confidently did he speak; yet he had actually but the single hundred + which he had so boldly staked on the first issue. I thought him lost; but + he better knew his game than I. He also knew his man. The eyes of + Cleveland were on the huge wallet in reserve, of which the “cool hundred” + might naturally be considered a mere sample. I had not courage to wait for + the result, but wandered off, with a feeling not unallied to terror, into + an adjoining apartment. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0030" id="link2HCH0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX. — FALSE LUCK. + </h2> + <p> + Though confounded with what I had seen of the proceedings of Kingsley, I + was yet willing to promote, so far as I could, the purpose for which we + came. I felt too, that, unless I played, that purpose, or my own, might + reasonably incur suspicion. To rove through the several rooms of a + gambling-house, surveying closely the proceedings of others, without + partaking, in however slight a degree, in the common business of the + establishment, was neither good policy nor good manners. Unless there to + play, what business had I there? Accordingly I resolved to play. But of + these games I knew nothing. It was necessary to choose among them, and, + without a choice I turned to one of the tables where the genius of + Roulette presided. A motley group, none of whom I knew, surrounded it. I + placed my dollar upon one of the spots, red or black, I know not which, + and saw it, in a moment after, spooned up with twenty others by the + banker. I preferred this form of play to any other, for the simple reason + that it did not task my own faculties, and left me free to bestow my + glances on the proceedings of my friend. But I soon discovered that the + contagion of play is irresistible; and so far from putting my stake down + at intervals, and with philosophic indifference, I found myself, after a + little while, breathlessly eager in the results. These, after the first + few turns of the machine, had ceased to be unfavorable. I was confounded + to discover myself winning. Instead of one I put down two Mexicans. + </p> + <p> + “Put down ten,” said one of the bystanders, a dark, sulky-looking little + yellow man, who seemed a veteran at these places. “You are in luck—make + the most of it.” + </p> + <p> + The master of the ceremonies scowled upon the speaker; and this determined + me to obey his suggestions. I did so, and doubled the money; left my + original stake and the winnings on the same spot, and doubled that also; + and it was not long before, under this stimulus of success, and the + novelty of my situation, I found myself as thoroughly anxious and + intensely interested, as if I had gone to the place in compliance with a + natural passion. I know not how long I had continued in this way, but I + was still fortunate. I had doubled my stakes repeatedly, and my pockets + were crammed with money. + </p> + <p> + “Stop now, if you are wise,” whispered the same sulky-looking little man + who had before urged me to go on more boldly, as he sidled along by me for + this object; “never ride a good horse to death. There's a time to stop + just as there's a time to push. You had better stop now. Stake another + dollar and you lose all your winnings.” + </p> + <p> + “Let the gentleman play his own game, Brinckoff. I don't see why you come + here to spoil sport.” + </p> + <p> + Such was the remark of the keeper of the table. He had overheard my + counsellor. He felt his losses, and was angry. I saw that, and it + determined me. I took the counsel of the stranger. I was the more willing + to do so, as I reproached myself for my inattention to my friend. It was + time to see what had been his progress, and I prepared to leave the + theatre of my own success. Before doing so, I turned to my counsellor, and + thus addressed him: “Your advice has made me win; I trust I will not + offend a gentleman who has been so courteous, by requesting him to take my + place upon a small capital.” + </p> + <p> + I put twenty pieces into his hand. + </p> + <p> + “I am but a young beginner,” I continued, “and I owe you for my first + lesson.” + </p> + <p> + “You are too good,” he said, but his hand closed over the dollars. The + keeper of the table renewed his murmurs of discontent as he saw me turn + away. + </p> + <p> + “Ah! bah! Petit, what's the use to grumble?” demanded my representative. + “Do you suppose I will give up my sport for yours? When would I get a + sixpence to stake, if it were not that I was kind to young fellows just + beginning? There; growl no more; the twenty Mexicans upon the red!” + </p> + <p> + The next minute my gratuity was swallowed up in the great spoon of the + banker. I was near enough, to see the result. I placed another ten pieces + in the hand of the unsuccessful gambler. + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” said he; “very much obliged to you; but if you please, I will + do no more to-night. It's not my lucky night. I've lost every set.” + </p> + <p> + “As you please—when you please.” + </p> + <p> + “You are a gentleman,” he said; “the sooner you go home the better. A + young beginner seldom wins in the small hours.” + </p> + <p> + This was said in another whisper. I thanked him for his further + suggestion, and turned away, leaving him to a side squabble with the + banker, who finally concluded by telling him that he never wished to see + him at his table. + </p> + <p> + “The more fool you, Petit,” said Brinckoff; “for the youngster that wins + comes back, and he does not always win. You finish him in the end as you + finished me, and what more would you have?” + </p> + <p> + The rest, and there was much more, was inaudible to me. I hurried from the + place somewhat ashamed of my success. I doubt whether I should have had + the like feelings had I lost. As it was, never did possession seem more + cumbrous than the mixed gold, paper, and silver, with which my pockets + were burdened. I gladly thought of Kingsley, to avoid thinking of myself. + It was certain, I fancied, that he had not lost, else how could he have + continued to play? My anxiety hurried me into the room where I had left + him. + </p> + <p> + They sat together, he and Cleveland, as before. I observed that there was + now an expression of anxiety—not intense, but obvious enough—upon + the countenance of the latter. Philip, too, the mulatto, stood on one + side, contemplating the proceedings with an air of grave doubt and + uncertainty in his countenance. No such expression distinguished the face + of Kingsley. Never did a light-hearted, indifferent, almost mocking + spirit, shine out more clearly from any human visage. At times he chuckled + as with inward satisfaction. Not unfrequently he laughed aloud, and his + reckless “Ha! ha! ha!” had more than once reached and startled me in the + midst of my own play, in the adjoining room. The opponents had discarded + their “pictures,” They were absolutely rolling dice for their stakes. I + saw that the wallet of Kingsley lay untouched, and quite as full as ever, + in the spot where he had first laid it down. A pile of money lay open + beside him; the gold and silver pieces keeping down the paper. When he saw + me approach, he laughed aloud, as he cried out:— + </p> + <p> + “Have they disburdened you, Clifford? Help yourself. I am punishing my + enemy famously. I can spare it.” + </p> + <p> + A green, sickly smile mantled the lips of Cleveland. He replied in low, + soft tones, such as I could only partly hear; and, a moment after, he + swept the stake before the two, to his own side of the table. The amount + was large, but the features of Kingsley remained unaltered, while his + laugh was renewed as heartily as if he really found pleasure in the loss. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! ha! that is encouraging; but the end is not yet. The tug is yet + to come!” + </p> + <p> + I now perceived that Kingsley took up his wallet with one hand while he + spread his handkerchief on his lap with the other. Into this he drew the + pile of money which he had loose before on his side of the table, and + appeared to busy himself in counting into it the contents of the wallet. + This he did with such adroitness, that, though I felt assured he had + restored the wallet to his bosom with its bulk undiminished, yet I am + equally certain that no such conclusion could have been reached by any + other person. This done, he lifted the handkerchief, full as it was, and + dashed it down upon the table. + </p> + <p> + “There! cover that, if you be a man!” was his speech of defiance. + </p> + <p> + “How much?” huskily demanded Cleveland. + </p> + <p> + “All!” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, all. I know not the number of dollars, cents, or sixpences, but face + it with your winnings: there need be no counting. It is loss of time. Stir + the stuff with your fingers, and you will find it as good, and as much, as + you have here to put against it. On that hangs my fate or yours. Mine for + certain! I tell you, Mr. Cleveland, it is all!” + </p> + <p> + Cleveland lifted the ends of the handkerchief, as if weighing its + contents; and then, without more scruple, flung into it a pile not unlike + it in bulk and quality: a handful of mixed gold paper, and silver. + Kingsley grasped the dice before him, and with a single shake dashed them + out upon the table. + </p> + <p> + “Six, four, two,” cried Philip with a degree of excitement which did not + appear in either of the active opponents. Meanwhile my heart was in my + mouth. I looked on Kingsley with a sentiment of wonder. Every muscle of + his face was composed into the most quiet indifference. He saw my glance, + and smilingly exclaimed:— + </p> + <p> + “I trust to my star, Clifford. Sans Souci—remember!” + </p> + <p> + No time was allowed for more. The moment was a breathless one. Cleveland + had taken up the dice. His manner was that of the most singular + deliberation. His eyes were cast down upon the table. His lips strongly + closed together; and now it was that I could see the keen, piercing look + which Kingsley addressed to every movement of the gambler. I watched him + also. He did not immediately throw the dice, and I was conscious of some + motion which he made with his hands before he did so. What that motion + was, however, I could neither have said nor conceived. But I saw a grim + smile, full of intelligence, suddenly pass over Kingsley's lips. The dice + descended upon the table with a sound that absolutely made me tremble. + </p> + <p> + “Five, four, six!” cried Philip, loudly, with tones of evident exultation. + I felt a sense like that of suffocation, which was unrelieved even by the + seemingly unnatural laughter of my companion. He did laugh, but in a + manner to render less strange and unnatural that in which he had before + indulged. Even as he laughed he rose and possessed himself of the dice + which the other had thrown down. + </p> + <p> + “The stakes are mine,” cried Cleveland, extending his hand toward the + handkerchief. + </p> + <p> + “No!” said Kingsley, with a voice of thunder, and as he spoke, he handed + me the kerchief of money, which I grasped instantly, and thrust with some + difficulty into my bosom. This was done instinctively; I really had no + thoughts of what I was doing. Had I thought at all I should most probably + have refused to receive it. + </p> + <p> + “How!” exclaimed Cleveland, his face becoming suddenly pale. “The cast is + mine—fifteen to twelve!” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, scoundrel, but the game I played for is mine! As for the cast, you + shall try another which you shall relish less. Do you see these?” + </p> + <p> + He showed the dice which he had gathered from the table. The gambler made + an effort to snatch them from his hands. + </p> + <p> + “Try that again,” said Kingsley, “and I lay this hickory over your pate, + in a way that shall be a warning to it for ever.” + </p> + <p> + By this time several persons from the neighboring tables and the adjoining + rooms, hearing the language of strife, came rushing in. Kingsley beheld + their approach without concern. There were several old gamblers among + them, but the greater number were young ones. + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen,” said Kingsley, “I am very glad to see you. You come at a good + time. I am about to expose a scoundrel to you.” + </p> + <p> + “You shall answer for this, sir,” stammered Cleveland, in equal rage and + confusion. + </p> + <p> + “Answer, shall I? By Jupiter! but you shall answer too! And you shall have + the privilege of a first answer, shall you?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Kingsley, what is the meaning of this?” was the demand of a tall, + dark-featured man, who now made his appearance from an inner room, and + whom I now learned, was, in fact, the proprietor of the establishment. + </p> + <p> + “Ah! Radcliffe—but before another word is wasted put your fingers + into the left breeches pocket of that scoundrel there, and see what you + will find.” + </p> + <p> + Cleveland would have resisted. Kingsley spoke again to Radcliffe, and this + time in stern language, which was evidently felt by the person to whom it + was addressed. + </p> + <p> + “Radcliffe, your own credit—nay, safety—will depend upon your + showing that you have no share in this rogue's practice. Search him, if + you would not share his punishment.” + </p> + <p> + The fellow was awed, and obeyed instantly. Himself, with three others, + grappled with the culprit. He resisted strenuously, but in vain. He was + searched, and from the pocket in question three dice were produced. + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” said Kingsley; “now examine those dice, gentlemen, and see if + you can detect one of my initials, the letter 'K,' which I scratched with + a pin upon each of them.” + </p> + <p> + The examination was made, and the letter was found, very small and very + faint, it is true, but still legible, upon the ace square of each of the + dice. + </p> + <p> + “Very good,” continued Kingsley; “and now, gentlemen, with your leave—” + </p> + <p> + He opened his hand and displayed the three dice with which Cleveland had + last thrown. + </p> + <p> + “Here you see the dice with which this worthy gentleman hoped to empty my + pockets. These are they which he last threw upon the table. He counted + handsomely by them! I threw, just before him, with those which you have in + your hand. I had contrived to mark them previously, this very evening, in + order that I might know them again. Why should he put them in his pocket, + and throw with these? As this question is something important, I propose + to answer it to your satisfaction as well as my own; and, for this reason, + I came here, as you see, prepared to make discoveries.” + </p> + <p> + He drew from his pocket, while he spoke, a small saddler's hammer and + steel-awl. Fixing with the sharp point of the awl in the ace spot of the + dice, he struck it a single but sudden blow with the hammer, split each of + the dice in turn, and disclosed to the wondering, or seemingly wondering, + eyes of all around, a little globe of lead in each, inclining to the + lowest numeral, and necessarily determining the roll of the dice so as to + leave the lightest section uppermost. + </p> + <p> + “Here, gentlemen,” continued Kingsley, “you see by what process I have + lost my money. But it is not in the dice alone. Look at these cards. Do + you note this trace of the finger-nail, here, and there, and there—scarcely + to be seen unless it is shown to you, but clear enough to the person that + made it, and is prepared to look for it. Radcliffe, your fellow, Philip, + has been concerned in this business. You must dismiss him, or your + visitors will dismiss you. Neither myself nor my friends will visit you + again—nay, more, I denounce you to the police. Am I understood?” + </p> + <p> + Radcliffe assented without scruple, evidently not so anxious for justice + as for the safety of his establishment. But it appeared that there were + others in the room not so well pleased with the result. A hubbub now took + place, in which three or four fellows made a rush upon Kingsley—Cleveland + urging and clamoring from the rear, though without betraying much real + desire to get into the conflict. + </p> + <p> + But the assailants had miscalculated their forces. The youngsters in the + establishment, regarding Kingsley's development as serving the common + cause, were as soon at his side as myself. The scuffle was over in an + instant. One burly ruffian was prostrated by a blow from Kingsley's club; + I had my share in the prostration of a second, and some two others took to + their heels, assisted in their progress by a smart application from every + foot and fist that happened to be convenient enough for such a service. + </p> + <p> + But Cleveland alone remained. Why he had not shared the summary fate of + the rest it would be difficult to say, unless it was because he had kept + aloof from the active struggle to which he had egged them on. Perhaps, + too, a better reason—he was reserved for some more distinguishing + punishment. Why he had shown no disposition for flight himself, was + answered as soon as Kingsley laid down his club, which he did with a laugh + of exemplary good-nature the moment he had felled with it his first + assailant. The flight of his allies left the path open between himself and + Cleveland, and, suddenly darting upon him, the desperate gambler aimed a + blow at his breast with a dirk which he had drawn that instant from his + own. He exclaimed as he struck:— + </p> + <p> + “Here is something that escaped your search. Take this! this!” + </p> + <p> + Kingsley was just lifting up the cap, which he had worn that night, from + the table to his brows. Instinctively he dashed it into the face of his + assassin, and his simple evolution saved him. The next moment the fearless + fellow had grappled with his enemy, torn the weapon from his grasp, and, + seizing him around the body as if he had been an infant, moved with him to + an open window looking out upon a neighboring court. The victim struggled, + yelled for succor, but before any of us could interpose, the resolute and + powerful man in whose hold he writhed and struggled vainly, with the gripe + of a master, had thrust him through the opening, his heels, in their + upward evolutions, shattering a dozen of the panes as he disappeared from + sight below. We all concluded that he was killed. We were in an upper + chamber, which I estimated to be twenty or thirty feet from the ground. I + was too much shocked for speech, and rushed to the window, expecting to + behold the mangled and bloody corpse of the miserable criminal beneath. + The laughter of Radclifle half reassured me. + </p> + <p> + “He will not suffer much hurt,” said he; “there is something to break his + fall.” + </p> + <p> + I looked down, and there the unhappy wretch was seen squatting and + clinging to the slippery shingles of an old stable, unhurt, some twelve + feet below us, unable to reascend, and very unwilling to adopt the only + alternative which the case presented—-that of descending softly upon + the rank bed of stable-ordure which the provident care of the gardener had + raised up on every hand, the reeking fumes of which were potent enough to + expel us very soon from our place of watch at the window. Of the further + course of the elegant culprit we took no heed. The ludicrousness of his + predicament had the effect of turning the whole adventure into merriment + among those who remained in the establishment; and availing ourselves of + the clamorous mirth of the parties, we made our escape from the place with + a feeling, on my part, of indescribable relief. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0031" id="link2HCH0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI. — HOW THE GAME WAS PLAYED + </h2> + <p> + “WELL, we may breathe awhile,” said Kingsley, as we found ourselves once + more in the pure air, and under the blue sky of midnight. “We have got + through an ugly task with tolerable success. You stood by me like a man, + Clifford. I need not tell you how much I thank you.” + </p> + <p> + “I heartily rejoice that you are through with it, Kingsley; but I am not + so sure that we can deliberately approve of everything that we may have + been required by the circumstances of the case to do.” + </p> + <p> + “What! you did not relish the playing? I respect your scruples, but it + does not follow that it must become a habit. You played to enable a friend + to get back from a knave what he lost as a fool, and to punish the knavery + that he could not well hope to reform. I do not see, considering the + amount of possible good which we have done, that the evil is wholly + inexcusable.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps not; but this heap of money which I have in my bosom—should + you have taken it?” + </p> + <p> + “And why not? Whose should it be, if not mine?” + </p> + <p> + “You took with you but one hundred dollars. I should say you have more + than a thousand here.” + </p> + <p> + “I trust I have,” said he coolly. “What of that? I won it fairly, and he + played fairly, until the last moment when everything was at stake. His + false dice were then called in—and would you have me yield to his + roguery what had been the fruits of a fair conflict? No! no! friend of + mine! no! no! all these things did I consider well before I took you with + me to-night. I have been meditating this business for a week, from the + moment when a friendly fellow hinted to me that I was the victim of + knavery.” + </p> + <p> + “But that wallet of money, Kingsley? You assured me that you were + pennyless.” + </p> + <p> + “All! that wallet bedevilled Mr. Latour Cleveland, as it seems to have + bedevilled you. There, by the starlight, look at the contents of this + precious wallet, and see how much further your eyes can pierce into the + mystery of my proceedings.'” + </p> + <p> + He handed me the wallet, which I opened. To my great surprise, I found it + stuffed with old shreds of newspaper, bits of rag, even cotton, but not a + cent of money. + </p> + <p> + “There! ara you satisfied? You shall have that wallet, with all its + precious contents, as a keepsake from me. It will remind you of a strange + scene. It will have a history for you when you are old, which you will + tell with a chuckle to your children.” + </p> + <p> + “Children!” I involuntarily murmured, while my voice trembled, and a tear + started to my eye. That one word recalled me back, at once, to home, to my + particular woes—to all that I could have wished banished for ever, + even in the unwholesome stews and steams of a gaming-house. But Kingsley + did not suffer me to muse over my own afflictions. He did not seem to hear + the murmuring exclamation of my lips. He continued:— + </p> + <p> + “I have no mysteries from you, and you need, as well as deserve, an + explanation. All shall be made clear to you. The reason of this wallet, + and another matter which staggered you quite as much—my audacious + bet of a cool hundred—your own disconsolate hundred—as a first + stake! I have no doubt you thought me mad when you heard me.” + </p> + <p> + I confessed as much. He laughed. + </p> + <p> + “As I tell you, I had studied my game beforehand, even in its smallest + details. By this time, I knew something of the play of most gamblers, and + of Mr. Latour Cleveland, in particular. These people do not risk + themselves for trifles. They play fairly enough when the temptation is + small. They cheat only when the issues are great. I am speaking now of + gamesters on the big figure, not of the petty chapmen who rule over their + pennies and watch the exit of a Mexican, with the feelings of one who sees + the last wave of a friend's handkerchief going upon the high seas. My big + wallet and my hundred dollar bet, were parts of the same system. The heavy + stake at the beginning led to the inference that I had corresponding + resources. My big wallet lying by me, conveniently and ostentatiously, + confirmed this impression. The cunning gambler was willing that I should + win awhile. His policy was to encourage me; to persuade me on and on, by + gradual stimulants, till all was at stake. Well! I knew this. All was at + stake finally, and I had then to call into requisition all the moral + strength of which I was capable, so that eye and lip and temper should not + fail me at those moments when I would need the address and agency of all. + </p> + <p> + “The task has been an irksome one; the trial absolutely painful. But I + should have been ashamed, once commencing the undertaking, not to have + succeeded. He, too, was not impregnable. I found out his particular + weakness. He was a vain man; vain of his bearing, which he deemed + aristocratic; his person, which he considered very fine. I played with + these vanities. Failing to excite him on the subject of the game, I made + HIMSELF my subject. I chattered with him freely; so as to prompt him to + fancy that I was praising his style, air, appearance; anon, by some queer + jibe, making him half suspicious that I was quizzing him. My frequent + laughter, judiciously disposed, helped this effect; and, to a certain + extent, I succeeded. He became nervous, and was excited, though you may + not have seen it. I saw it in the change of his complexion, which became + suddenly quite bilious. I found, too, that he could only speak with some + effort, when, if you remember, before we began to play, his tongue, though + deliberate, worked pat enough. I felt my power over him momently increase; + and I sometimes won where he did not wish it. I do verily believe that he + ceased to see the very marks which he himself had made upon the cards. + Nervous agitation, on most persons, produces a degree of blindness quite + as certainly as it affects the speech. Well, you saw the condition of our + funds when you re-appeared. I had determined to bring the business to a + close. I had marked the dice, actually before his face, while we took a + spell of rest over a bottle of porter. I had scratched them quietly with a + pin which I carried in my sleeve for that purpose, while he busied himself + with a fidgety shuffling of the cards. My leg, thrown over one angle of + the table, partly covered my operations, and I worked upon the dice in my + lap. You may suppose the etching was bad enough, doing precious little + credit to the art of engraving in our country. But the thing was + thoroughly done, for I had worked myself into a rigorous sort of + philosophic desperation which made me as cool as a cucumber. To seem to + empty the contents of the wallet into my lap was my next object, and this + I succeeded in, without his suspecting that my movement was a sham only. + The purse thus made up, I emphatically told him was all I had—this + was the truth—and then came the crisis. His trick was to be employed + now or never. It was employed, but he had become so nervous, that I caught + a sufficient glimpse of his proceedings. I saw the slight o'hand movement + which he attempted, and—you know the rest. I regard the money as + honestly mine—so far as good morals may recognise the honesty of + getting money by gambling;—and thinking so, my dear Clifford, I have + no scruple in begging you to share it with me. It is only fit that you, + who furnished all the capital—you see I say nothing of the wallet + which should, however, be priceless in our eyes—should derive at + least a moiety of the profit. It is quite as much yours as mine. I beg you + so to consider it.” + </p> + <p> + I need not say, however, that I positively refused to accept this offer. I + would take nothing but the hundred which I had lent him, and placed the + handkerchief with all its contents into his hands. + </p> + <p> + “And now, Clifford, I must leave you. You have yet to learn another of my + secrets. I take the rail-car at daylight in the morning. I am off for + Alabama; and considering my Texan and Mexican projects, I leave you, + perhaps, for ever.” + </p> + <p> + “So soon?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, everything is ready. There need be no delay. I have no wife nor + children to cumber me. My trunks are already packed; my resolve made; my + last business transacted I have some lands in Alabama which I mean to + sell. This done, I am off for the great field of performance, south and + southwest. You shall hear of me, perhaps may wish to hear FROM me. Here is + my address, meanwhile, in Alabama. I shall advise you of my further + progress, and shall esteem highly a friendly scrawl from you. If you + write, do not fail to tell me what you may hear of Mr. Latour Cleveland, + and how he got down from the muck-heap. Write me all about it, Clifford, + and whatever else you can about our fools and knaves, for though I leave + them without a tear, yet, d—n 'em, I keep 'em in my memory, if it's + only for the sake of the old city whom they bedevil.” + </p> + <p> + Enough of our dialogue that night. Kingsley was a fellow of every + excellent and some very noble qualities. We did not sympathize in sundry + respects, but I parted from him with regret; not altogether satisfied, + however, that there were not some defects in that reasoning by which he + justified our proceedings with the gamblers. I turned from him with a sad, + sick heart. In his absence the whole feeling of my domestic doubts and + difficulties rushed back upon me freshly and with redoubled force. + </p> + <p> + “Children!” I murmured mournfully, as I recalled one of his remarks; + “children! children! these, indeed, were blessings; but if we only had + love, truth, peace. If that damning doubt were not there!—that wild + fear, that fatal, soul-petrifying suspicion!” + </p> + <p> + I groaned audibly as I traversed the streets, and it seemed as if the + pavements groaned hollowly in answer beneath my hurrying footsteps. In a + moment more I had absolutely forgotten the recent strife, the strange + scene, the accents of my friend; for but that one. + </p> + <p> + “Children! children! These might bind her to me; might secure her erring + affections; might win her to love the father, when he himself might + possess no other power to tempt her to love. Ah! why has Providence denied + me the blessing of a child?” + </p> + <p> + Alas! it was not probable that Julia should ever have children. This was + the conviction of our physician. Her health and constitution seemed to + forbid the hope; and the gloomy despair under which I suffered was + increased by this reflection. Yet, even at that moment, while thus I mused + and murmured, my poor wife had been unexpectedly and prematurely delivered + of an infant son—a tiny creature, in whom life was but a passing + gleam, as of the imperfect moonlight, and of whom death took possession in + the very instant of its birth. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0032" id="link2HCH0032"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII. — SUDDEN LESSON AND NEW SUSPICIONS. + </h2> + <p> + While I had been wasting the precious hours of midnight in a gaming-house, + my poor Julia had undergone the peculiar pangs of a mother! While I had + been reproaching her in my secret soul for a want of ardency and + attachment, she had been giving me the highest proof that she possessed + the warmest. These revelations, however, were to reach me slowly; and + then, like those of Cassandra, they were destined to encounter disbelief. + </p> + <p> + Leaving Kingsley, I turned into the street where my wife's mother lived. + But the house was shut up—the company gone. I had not been heedful + of the progress of the hours. I looked up at the tall, white, and graceful + steeple of our ancient church, which towered in serene majesty above us; + but, in the imperfect light I failed to read the letters upon the + dial-plate. At that moment its solemn chimes pealed forth the hour, as if + especially in answer to my quest. How such sounds speak to the very soul + at midnight! They seem the voice from Time himself, informing, not man + alone, but Eternity, of his progress to that lone night, in which his + minutes, hours, days, and years, are equally to be swallowed up and + forgotten. + </p> + <p> + Sweet had been those bells to me in boyhood. Sad were they to me now. I + had heard them ring forth merry peals on the holydays of the nation; and + peals on the day of national mourning; startling and terrifying peals in + the hour of midnight danger and alarm; but never till then had they spoken + with such deep and searching earnestness to the most hidden places of my + soul. That 'one, two, three, four,' which they then struck, as they + severally pronounced the thrilling monotones, seemed to convey the burden + of four impressive acts in a yet unfinished tragedy. My heart beat with a + feeling of anxiety, such as overcomes us, when we look for the curtain to + rise which is to unfold the mysterious progress of the catastrophe. + </p> + <p> + That fifth act of mine! what was it to be? Involuntarily my lips uttered + the name of William Edgerton! I started as if I had trodden upon a viper. + The denouement of the drama at once grew up before my eyes. I felt the + dagger in my grasp; I actually drew it from my bosom. I saw the victim + before me—a smile upon his lips—a fire in his glance—an + ardor, an intelligence, that looked like exulting passion; and my own eyes + grew dim. I was blinded; but, even in the darkness, I struck with fatal + precision. I felt the resistance, I heard the groan and the falling body; + and my hair rose, with a cold, moist life of its own, upon my clammy and + shrinking temples. + </p> + <p> + I recovered from the delusion. My dagger had been piercing the empty air; + but the feeling and the horror in my soul were not less real because the + deed had been one of fancy only. The foregone conclusion was in my mind, + and I well knew that fate would yet bring the victim to the altar. + </p> + <p> + I know not how I reached my dwelling, but when there I was soon brought to + a sober condition of the senses. I found everything in commotion. Mrs. + Delaney, late Clifford, was there, busy in my wife's chamber, while her + husband, surly with such an interruption to his domestic felicity, even at + the threshold, was below, kicking his heels in solemn disquietude in the + parlor. The servants had been despatched to bring her and to seek me, in + the first moments of my wife's danger. She had consciousness enough for + that, and Mrs. Delaney had summoned the physician. He too—the + excellent old man, who had assisted us in our clandestine marriage—he + too was there; sad, troubled, and regarding me with looks of apprehension + and rebuke which seemed to ask why I was abroad at that late hour, leaving + my wife under such circumstances. I could not meet his glance with a manly + eye. They brought me the dead infant—poor atom of mortality—no + longer mortal; but I turned away from the spectacle. I dared not look upon + it. It was the form of a perished hope, ended in a dream! And such a + dream! The physician gave me a brief explanation of the condition of + things. + </p> + <p> + “Your wife is very ill. It is difficult to say what will happen. Make up + your mind for the worst. She has fever—has been delirious. But she + sleeps now under the effect of some medicine I have given her. She will + not sleep long; and everything will depend upon her wakening. She must be + kept very quiet.” + </p> + <p> + I asked if he could conjecture what should bring about such an event. + “Though delicate, Julia was not out of health. She had been well during + the evening when I left her.” + </p> + <p> + “You have left her long. This is a late hour, Mr. Clifford, for a young + husband to be out. Nothing but matter of necessity could excuse—” + </p> + <p> + I interrupted him with some gravity:— + </p> + <p> + “Suppose then it was a matter of necessity—of seeming necessity, at + least.” + </p> + <p> + He observed my emotion. + </p> + <p> + “Do not be angry with me. I assisted your dear wife into the world, + Clifford. I would not see her hurried out of it. She is like a child of my + own; I feel for her as such.” + </p> + <p> + I said something apologetic, I know not what, and renewed my question. + </p> + <p> + “She has been alarmed or excited, perhaps; possibly has fallen while + ascending the stair. A very slight accident will sometimes suffice to + produce such a result with a constitution such as hers. She needs great + watchfulness, Clifford; close attention, much solicitude. She needs and + deserves it, Clifford.” + </p> + <p> + I saw that the old man suspected me of indifference and neglect. Alas! + whatever might be my faults in reference to my wife, indifference was not + among them. What he had said, however, smote me to the heart. I felt like + a culprit. I dared not meet his eye when, at daylight, he took his + departure, promising to return in a few hours. + </p> + <p> + My excellent mother-in-law was more capable and copious in her details. + From her I learned that Julia, though anxious to depart for some time + before, had waited for my return until the last of her guests were about + to retire. Among these happened to be Mr. William Edgerton! + </p> + <p> + “He offered his carriage, but Julia put off accepting for a long time, + saying you would soon return. But at last he pressed her so, and seeing + everybody else gone, she concluded to go, and Mr. Delaney helped her into + the carriage, and Mr. Edgerton got in too, to see her home; and off they + drove, and it was not an hour after, when Becky (the servant-girl) came to + rout us up, saying that her mistress was dying. I hurried on my clothes, + and Delaney—dear good man—he was just as quick; and off we + came, and sure enough, we found her in a bad way, and nobody with her but + the servants; and I sent off after you, and after the doctor; and he just + came in time to help her; but she went on wofully; was very lightheaded; + talked a great deal about you; and about Mr. Edgerton; I suppose because + he had just been seeing her home; but didn't seem to know and doesn't know + to this moment what has happened to her.” + </p> + <p> + I have shortened very considerably the long story which Mrs. Delaney made + of it. Rambling as it was—full of nonsense—with constant + references to her “dear good man,” and her party, the company, herself, + her fashion, and frivolities—there was yet something to sting and + trouble me at the core of her narration. Edgerton and my wife linger to + the last—Edgerton rides home with her—he and she in the + carriage, alone, at midnight;—and then this catastrophe, which the + doctor thought was a natural consequence of some excitement or alarm. + </p> + <p> + These facts wrought like madness in my brain. Then, too, in her delirium + she raves of HIM! Is not that significant? True, it comes from the lips of + that malicious old woman! she, who had already hinted to me that my wife—her + daughter—was likely to be as faithless to me as she had been to + herself. Still, it is significant, even if it be only the invention of + this old woman. It showed what she conjectured—what she thought to + be a natural result of these practices which had prompted her suspicions + as well as my own. + </p> + <p> + How hot was the iron-pressure upon my brain—how keen and scorching + was that fiery arrow in my soul, when I took my place of watch beside the + unconscious form of my wife, God alone can know. If I am criminal—if + I have erred with wildest error—surely I have struggled with deepest + misery. I have been misled by wo, not temptation! Sore has been my + struggle, sore my suffering, even in the moment of my greatest fault and + folly. Sore!—-how sore! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0033" id="link2HCH0033"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII. — STILL THE CLOUD. + </h2> + <p> + For three days and nights did I watch beside the sick bed of my wife. In + all this time her fate continued doubtful. I doubt if any anxiety or + attention could have exceeded mine; as it was clear to myself that, in + spite of jealousy and suspicion, my love for her remained without + diminution. Yet this watch was not maintained without some trials far more + severe and searching than those which it produced upon the body. Her mind, + wandering and purposeless, yet spoke to mine, and renewed all its racking + doubts, and exaggerated all its nameless fears. Her veins burned with + fever. She was fitfully delirious. Words fell from her at spasmodic + moments—strange, incoherent words, but all full of meaning in my + ears. I sat beside the bed on one hand, while, on one occasion, her mother + occupied a seat upon that opposite. The eyes of my wife opened upon both + of us—turned from me, convulsively, with an expression, as I + thought, of disgust, then closed—while her lips, taking up their + language, poured forth a torrent of threats and reproaches. + </p> + <p> + I can not repeat her words. They rang in my ears, understood, indeed, but + so wildly and thrillingly, that I should find it a vain task to endeavor + to remember them. She spoke of persecution, annoyance, beyond propriety, + beyond her powers of endurance. She threatened me—for I assumed + myself to be the object of her denunciation—with the wrath of some + one capable to punish—nay, to rescue her, if need be, by violence, + from the clutches of her tyrant. Then followed another change in her + course of speech. She no longer threatened or denounced. She derided. + Words of bitter scorn and loathing contempt issued from those bright, red, + burning, and always beautiful lips, which I had never supposed could have + given forth such utterance, even if her spirit could have been supposed + capable of conceiving it. Keen was the irony which she expressed—irony, + which so well applied to my demerits in one great respect, that I could + not help making the personal application. + </p> + <p> + “How manly and generous,” she proceeded, “was this sort of persecution of + one so unprotected, so dependent, so placed, that she must even be silent, + and endure without speech or complaint, in the dread of dangers which, + however, would not light upon her head. Oh, brave as generous!” she + exclaimed, with a burst of tremendous delirium, terminating in a shriek; + “oh, brave as generous!—scarcely lion-like, however, for the noble + beast rushes upon his victim. He does not prowl, and skulk, and sneak, + watching, cat-like; crouching and base, in stealth and darkness. Very + noble, but mousing spirit! Beware! Do I not know you now! Fear you not + that I will show your baseness, and declare the truth, and guide other + eyes to your stealthy practice? Beware! Do not drive me into madness!” + </p> + <p> + Thus she raved. My conscience applied these stinging words of scorn, which + seemed particularly fitted to the mean suspicious watch which I had kept + upon her. I could have no thought that they were meant for any other ears + than my own, and the crimson flush upon my cheeks was the involuntary + acknowledgment which my soul made of the demerits of my unmanly conduct. I + fancied that Julia had detected my espionage, and that her language had + this object in reference only. But there were other words; and, passing + with unexpected transition from the language of dislike and scorn, she now + indulged in that of love—language timidly suggestive of love, as if + its utterance were restrained by bashfulness, as if it dreaded to be + heard. Then a deep sigh followed, as if from the bottom of her heart, + succeeded by convulsive sobs, at last ending in a gushing flood of tears. + </p> + <p> + For the space of half an hour I had been an attentive but suffering + listener to this wild raving. My pangs followed every sentence from her + lips, believing, as I did, that they were reproachful of myself, and + associated with a now unrestrained expression of passion for another. + Gradually I had ceased, in the deep interest which I felt, to be conscious + that Mrs. Delaney was present. I leaned across the couch; I bent my ear + down toward the lips of the speaker, eager to drink up every feeble sound + which might help to elucidate my doubts, and subdue or confirm my + suspicions. Then, as the accumulating conviction formed itself, embodied + and sharp, like a knife, into my soul, I groaned aloud, and my teeth were + gnashed together in the bitterness of my emotion! In that moment I caught + the keen gray eyes of my mother-in-law fixed upon me, with a jibing + expression, which spoke volumes of mockery. They seemed to say, “Ah! you + have it now! The truth is forced upon you at last! You can parry it no + longer. I see the iron in your soul. I behold and enjoy your contortions!” + </p> + <p> + Fiend language! She was something of a fiend! I started from the bedside, + and just then a flood of tears came to the relief of my wife, and lessened + the excitement of her brain. The tears relieved her. The paroxysm passed + away. She turned her eyes upon me, and closed them involuntarily, while a + deep crimson tint passed over her cheek, a blush, which seemed to me to + confirm substantially the tenor of that language in which, while + delirious, she had so constantly indulged. It did not lessen the seeming + shame and dislike which her countenance appeared at once to embody, that a + soft sweet smile was upon her lips at the same moment, and she extended to + me her hand with an air of confidence which staggered and surprised me. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter, dear husband? And you here, mother? Have I been sick? + Can it be?” + </p> + <p> + “Hush!” said the mother. “You have been sick ever since the night of my + marriage.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” she exclaimed with an air of anxiety and pain, while pressing her + hand upon her eyes, “Ah! that night!” + </p> + <p> + A shudder shook her frame as she uttered this simple and short sentence. + Simple and short as it was, it seemed to possess a strange signification. + That it was associated in her mind with some circumstances of peculiar + import, was sufficiently obvious. What were these circumstances? Ah! that + question! I ran over in my thought, in a single instant, all that array of + events, on that fatal night, which could by any possibility distress me, + and confirm my suspicions. That waltz with Edgerton—that long + conference between them—that lonely ride together from the home of + Mrs. Delaney, in a close carriage—and the subsequent disaster—her + unconscious ravings, and the strong, strange language which she employed, + clearly full of meaning as it was, but in which I could discover one + meaning only! all these topics of doubt and agitation passed through my + brain in consecutive order, and with a compact arrangement which seemed as + conclusive as any final issue. I said nothing; but what I might have said, + was written in my face. Julia regarded me with a gaze of painful anxiety. + What she read in my looks must have been troublously impressive. Her + cheeks grew paler as she looked. Her eyes wandered from me vacantly, and I + could see her thin soft lips quivering faintly like rose-leaves which an + envious breeze has half separated from the parent-flower. Mrs. Delaney + watched our mutual faces, and I left the room to avoid her scrutiny. I + only re-entered it with the physician. He administered medicine to my + wife. + </p> + <p> + “She will do very well now, I think,” he said to me when leaving the + house; “but she requires to be treated very tenderly. All causes of + excitement must be kept from her. She needs soothing, great care, watchful + anxiety. Clifford, above all, you should leave her as little as possible. + This old woman, her mother, is no fit companion for her—scarcely a + pleasant one. I do not mean to reproach you; ascribe what I say to a real + desire to serve and make you happy; but let me tell you that Mrs. Delaney + has intimated to me that you neglect your wife, that you leave her very + much at night; and she further intimates, what I feel assured can not well + be the case, that you have fallen into other and much more evil habits.” + </p> + <p> + “The hag!” + </p> + <p> + “She is all that, and loves you no better now than before. Still, it is + well to deprive such people of their scandal-mongering, of the meat for it + at least. I trust, Clifford, for your own sake, that you were absent of + necessity on Wednesday night.” + </p> + <p> + “It will be enough for me to think so, sir,” was my reply. + </p> + <p> + “Surely, if you DO think so; but I am too old a man, and too old a friend + of your own and wife's family, to justify you in taking exception to what + I say. I hope you do not neglect this dear child, for she is one too + sweet, too good, too gentle, Clifford, to be subjected to hard usage and + neglect. I think her one of earth's angels—a meek creature, who + would never think or do wrong, but would rather suffer than complain. I + sincerely hope, for your own sake, as well as hers, that you truly + estimate her worth.” + </p> + <p> + I could not answer the good old man, though I was angry with him. My + conscience deprived me of the just power to give utterance to my anger. I + was silent, and he forbore any further reference to the subject. Shortly + after he took his leave, and I re-ascended the stairs. Wearing slippers, I + made little noise, and at the door of my wife's chamber I caught a + sentence from the lips of Mrs. Delaney, which made me forget everything + that the doctor had been saying. + </p> + <p> + “But Julia, there must have been some accident—something must have + happened. Did your foot slip? perhaps, in getting out of the carriage, or + in going up stairs, or—. There must have been something to frighten + you, or hurt you. What was it?” + </p> + <p> + I paused; my heart rose like a swelling, struggling mass in the gorge of + my throat. I listened for the reply. A deep sigh followed; and then I + heard a reluctant, faint utterance of the single word, “Nothing!” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing?” repeated the old lady. “Surely, Julia, there was something. + Recollect yourself. You know you rode home with Mr. Edgerton. It was past + one o'clock—” + </p> + <p> + “No more—no more, mother. There was nothing—nothing that I + recollect. I know nothing of what happened. Hardly know where I am now.” + </p> + <p> + I felt a momentary pang that I had lingered at the entrance. Besides, + there was no possibility that she would have revealed anything to the + inquisitive old woman. Perhaps, had this been probable, I should not have + felt the scruple and the pang. The very questions of Mrs. Delaney were as + fully productive of evil in my mind, as if Julia had answered decisively + on every topic. I entered the room, and Mrs. Delaney, after some little + lingering, took her departure, with a promise to return again soon. I + paced the chamber with eyes bent upon the floor. + </p> + <p> + “Come to me, Edward-come sit beside me.” Such were the gentle words of + entreaty which my wife addressed to me. Gentle words, and so spoken—so + sweetly, so frankly, as if from the very sacredest chamber of her heart. + Could it be that guilt also harbored in that very heart—that it was + the language of cunning on her lips—the cunning of the serpent? Ah! + how can we think that with serpent-like cunning, there should be dove-like + guilelessness? My soul revolted at the idea. The sounds of the poor girl's + voice sounded like hissing in my ears. I sat beside her as she requested, + and almost started, as I felt her fingers playing with the hair upon my + temples. + </p> + <p> + “You are cold to me, dear husband; ah! be not cold. I have narrowly + escaped from death. So they tell me—so I feel! Be not cold to me. + Let me not think that I am burdensome to you.” + </p> + <p> + “Why should you think so, Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! your words answer your question, and speak for me. They are so few—they + have no warmth in them; and then, you leave me so much, dear husband—why, + why do you leave me?” + </p> + <p> + “You do not miss me much, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “Do I not! ah! you do me wrong. I miss nothing else but you. I have all + that I had when we were first married—all but my husband!” + </p> + <p> + “Do not deceive yourself, Julia; these fine speeches do not deceive me. I + am afraid that the love of woman is a very light thing. It yields readily + to the wind. It does not keep in one direction long, any more than the + vane on the house-top.” + </p> + <p> + “You do NOT think so, Edward. Such is not MY love. Alas! I know not how to + make it known to you, husband, if it be not already known; and yet it + seems to me that you do not know it, or, if you do, that you do not care + much about it. You seem to care very little whether I love you or not.” + </p> + <p> + I exclaimed bitterly, and with the energy of deep feeling. + </p> + <p> + “Care little! <i>I</i> care little whether you love me or no! Psha! Julia, + you must think me a fool!” + </p> + <p> + It did seem to me a sort of mockery, knowing my feelings as <i>I</i> did—knowing + that all my folly and suffering came from the very intensity of my passion—that + I should be reproached, by its object, with indifference! I forgot, that, + as a cover for my suspicion, I had been striving with all the industry of + art to put on the appearance of indifference. I did not give myself + sufficient credit for the degree of success with which I had labored, or I + might have suddenly arrived at the gratifying conclusion, that, while I + was impressed and suffering with the pangs of jealousy, my wife was + trembling with fear that she had for ever lost my affections. My language, + the natural utterance of my real feelings, was not true to the character I + had assumed. It filled the countenance of the suffering woman with + consternation. She shrunk from me in terror. Her hand was withdrawn from + my neck, as she tremulously replied:— + </p> + <p> + “Oh, do not speak to me in such tones. Do not look so harshly upon me. + What have I done?” + </p> + <p> + “Ay! ay!” I muttered, turning away. + </p> + <p> + She caught my hand. + </p> + <p> + “Do not go—do not leave me, and with such a look! Oh! husband, I may + not live long. I feel that I have had a very narrow escape within these + few days past. Do not kill me with cruel looks; with words, that, if cruel + from you, would sooner kill than the knife in savage hands. Oh! tell me in + what have I offended? What is it you think? For what am I to blame? What + do you doubt—suspect?” + </p> + <p> + These questions were asked hurriedly, apprehensively, with a look of vague + terror, her cheeks whitening as she spoke, her eyes darting wildly into + mine, and her lips remaining parted after she had spoken. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” I exclaimed, keenly watching her. Her glance sank beneath my gaze. I + put my hand upon her own. + </p> + <p> + “What do I suspect I What should I suspect? Ha!”—Here I arrested + myself. My ardent anxiety to know the truth led me to forget my caution; + to exhibit a degree of eagerness, which might have proved that I did + suspect and seriously. To exhibit the possession of jealousy was to place + her upon her guard—such was the suggestion of that miserable policy + by which I had been governed—and defeat the impression of that + feeling of perfect security and indifference, which I had been so long + striving to awaken. I recovered myself, with this thought, in season to + re-assume this appearance. + </p> + <p> + “Your mind still wanders, Julia. What should I suspect? and whom? You do + not suppose me to be of a suspicious nature, do you?” + </p> + <p> + “Not altogether—not always—no! But, of course, there is + nothing to suspect. I do not know what I say. I believe I do wander.” + </p> + <p> + This reply was also spoken hurriedly, but with an obvious effort at + composure. The eagerness with which she seized upon my words, insisting + upon the absence of any cause of suspicion, and ascribing to her late + delirium, the tacit admissions which her look and language had made, I + need not say, contributed to strengthen my suspicions, and to confirm all + the previous conjectures of my jealous spirit. + </p> + <p> + “Be quiet,” I said with an air of sang froid. “Do not worry yourself in + this manner. You need sleep. Try for it, while I leave you.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not leave me; sit beside me, dear Edward. I will sleep so much better + when you are beside me.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, believe me. Ah! that I could always keep you beside me!” + </p> + <p> + “What! you are for a new honeymoon?” I said this in a TONE of merriment, + which Heaven knows, I little felt. + </p> + <p> + “Do not speak of it so lightly, Edward. It is too serious a matter. Ah! + that you would always remain with me; that you would never leave me.” + </p> + <p> + “Pshaw! What sickly tenderness is this! Why, how could I earn my bread or + yours?” + </p> + <p> + “I do not mean that you should neglect your business, but that when + business is over, you should give me all your time as you used to. + Remember, how pleasantly we passed the evenings after our marriage. Ah! + how could you forget?” + </p> + <p> + “I do not, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “But you do not care for them. We spend no such evenings now!” + </p> + <p> + “No! but it is no fault of mine!” I said gloomily; then, interrupting her + answer, as if dreading that she might utter some simple but true remark, + which might refute the interpretation which my words conveyed, that the + fault was hers, I enjoined silence upon her. + </p> + <p> + “You scarcely speak in your right mind yet, Julia. Be quiet, therefore, + and try to sleep.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, if you will sit beside me.” + </p> + <p> + “I will do so, since you wish for it; but where's the need?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! do not ask the need, if you still love me,” was all she said, and + looked at me with such eyes—so tearful, bright, so sad, soliciting—that, + though I did not less doubt, I could no longer deny. I resumed the seat + beside her. She again placed her fingers in my hair, and in a little while + sunk into a profound slumber, only broken by an occasional sob, which + subsided into a sigh. + </p> + <p> + Were she guilty—such was the momentary suggestion of the good angel—could + she sleep thus?—thus quietly, confidingly, beside the man she had + wronged—her fingers still paddling in his hair—her sleeping + eyes still turning in the direction of his face? + </p> + <p> + To the clear, open mind, the suggestion would have had the force of a + conclusive argument; but mine was no longer a clear, open mind. I had the + disease of the blind heart upon me, and all things came out upon my vision + as through a glass, darkly. The evil one at my elbow jeered when the good + angel spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Fool! does she not see that she can blind you still!” Then, in the vanity + and vexation of my spirit, I mused upon it further, and said to myself:—“Ay, + but she will find, ere many days, that I am no longer to be blinded!” The + scales were never thicker upon my sight than when I boasted in this + foolish wise. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0034" id="link2HCH0034"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIV. — A FATHER'S GRIEFS. + </h2> + <p> + She continued to improve, but slowly. Her organization was always very + delicate. Her frame was becoming thin, almost to meagreness; and this last + disaster, whatever might be its cause, had contributed still more to + weaken a constitution which education and nature had never prepared for + much hard encounter. But, though I saw these proofs of feebleness—of + a feebleness that might have occasioned reasonable apprehensions of + premature decay, and possibly very rapid decline—there were little + circumstances constantly occurring—looks shown, words spoken—which + kept up the irritation of my soul, and prevented me from doing justice to + her enfeebled condition. My sympathies were absorbed in my suspicions. My + heart was the debateable land of self. The blind passion which enslaved + it, I need scarce say, was of a nature so potent, that it could easily + impregnate, with its own color, all the objects of its survey. Seen + through the eyes of suspicion, there is no truth, no virtue; the smile is + that of the snake; the tear, that of the crocodile; the assurance, that of + the traitor. There is no act, look, word, of the suspected object, however + innocent, which, to the diseased mind of jealousy, does not suggest + conjectures and arguments, all conclusive or confirmatory of its doubts + and fears. It is not necessary to say that I shrunk from Julia's + endearment, requited her smiles with indifference; and, though I did not + avoid her presence—I could not, in the few days when her case was + doubtful—yet exhibited, in all respects, the conduct of one who was + in a sort of Coventry. + </p> + <p> + But one fact may be stated—one of many—which seemed to give a + sanction to my suspicions, will help to justify my course, and which, at + the time, was terribly conclusive, to my reason, of the things which I + feared. She spoke audibly the name of Edgerton, twice, thrice, while she + slept beside me, in tones very faint, it is true, but still distinct + enough. The faintness of her utterance, gave the tones an emphasis of + tenderness which perhaps was unintended. Twice, thrice, that fatal name; + and then, what a sigh from the full volume of a surcharged heart. Let any + one conceive my situation—with my feelings, intense on all subjects—my + suspicions already so thoroughly awakened; and then fancy what they must + have been on hearing that utterance; from the unguarded lips of slumber; + from the wife lying beside him; and of the name of him on whom suspicion + already rested. I hung over the sleeper, breathless, almost gasping, + finally, in the effort to contain my breath—in the hope to hear + something, however slight, which was to confirm finally, or finally end my + doubts. I heard no more; but did more seem to be necessary? What jealous + heart had not found this sufficiently conclusive? And that deep-drawn + sigh, sobbing, as of a heart breaking with the deferred hope, and the + dream of youth baffled at one sweeping, severing blow. + </p> + <p> + I rose. I could no longer subdue my emotions to the necessary degree of + watchfulness. I trod the chamber till daylight. Then, I dressed myself and + went out into the street. I had no distinct object. A vague persuasion + only, that I must do something—that something must be done—that, + in short, it was necessary to force this exhausting drama to its fit + conclusion. Of course William Edgerton was my object. As yet, how to bring + about the issue, was a problem which my mind was not prepared to solve. + Whether I was to stab or shoot him; whether we were to go through the + tedious processes of the duel; to undergo the fatigue of preliminaries, or + to shorten them by sudden reencounter; these were topics which filled my + thoughts confusedly; upon which I had no clear conviction; not because I + did not attempt to fix upon a course, but from a sheer inability to think + at all. My whole brain was on fire; a chaotic mass, such as rushes up from + the unstopped vents of the volcano—fire, stones, and lava—but + dense smoke enveloping the whole. + </p> + <p> + In this frame of mind I hurried through the streets. The shops were yet + unopened. The sun was just about to rise. There was a humming sound, like + that of distant waters murmuring along the shore, which filled my ears; + but otherwise everything was silent. Sleep had not withdrawn with night + from his stealthy watch upon the household. It seemed to me that I alone + could not sleep. Even guilt—if my wife were really guilty—even + guilt could sleep. I left her sleeping, and how sweetly! as if the dream + which had made her sob and sigh, had been succeeded by others, that made + all smiles again. I could not sleep, and yet, who, but a few months + before, had been possessed of such fair prospects of peace and prosperity? + Fortune held forth sufficient promise; fame—so far as fame can be + accorded by a small community—had done something toward giving me an + honorable repute; and love—had not love been seemingly as liberal + and prompt as ever young passions could have desired? I was making money; + I was getting reputation; the only woman whom I had ever loved or sought, + was mine; and mine, too, in spite of opposition and discouragements which + would have chilled the ardor of half the lovers in the world. And yet I + was not happy. It takes so small an amount of annoyance to produce misery + in the heart of selfesteem, when united with suspicion, that it was + scarcely possible that I should be happy. Such a man has a taste for + self-torture; as one troubled with an irritating humor, is never at rest, + unless he is tearing the flesh into a sore; he may then rest as he may. + </p> + <p> + I took the way to my office. It was not often that I went thither before + breakfast. But William Edgerton had been in the habit of doing so. He + lived in the neighborhood, and his father had taught him this habit during + the period when he was employed in studying the profession. It might be + that I should find him there on the present occasion. Such was my notion. + What farther thought I had I know not; but a vague suggestion that, in + that quiet hour—there—without eye to see, or hand to + interpose, I might drag from his heart the fearful secret—I might + compel confession, take my vengeance, and rid myself finally of that cruel + agony which was making me its miserable puppet. Crude, wild notions these, + but very natural. + </p> + <p> + I turned the corner of the street. The window of my office was open. “He + is then there,” I muttered to myself; and my teeth clutched each other + closely. I buttoned my coat. My heart was swelling. I looked around me, + and up to the windows. The street was very silent—the grave not more + so. I strode rapidly across, threw open the door of the office which stood + ajar, and beheld, not the person whom I sought, but his venerable father. + </p> + <p> + The sight of that white-headed old man filled me with a sense of shame and + degradation. What had he not done for me? How great his assistance, how + kind his regards, how liberal his offices. He had rescued me from the + bondage of poverty. He had put forth the hand of help, with a manly grasp + of succor at the very moment when it was most needed; had helped to make + me what I was; and, for all these, I had come to put to death his only + son. A revulsion of feeling took place within my bosom. These thoughts + were instantaneous—a sort of lightning-flash from the moral world of + thought. I stood abashed; brought to my senses in an instant, and was + scarcely able to conceal my discomfiture and confusion. I stood before him + with the feeling, and must have worn the look, of a culprit. Fortunately, + he did not perceive my confusion. Poor old man! Cares of his own—cares + of a father, too completely occupied his mind, to suffer his senses to + discharge their duties with freedom. + </p> + <p> + “I am glad to see you, Clifford, though I did not expect it. Young men of + the present day are not apt to rise so early.” + </p> + <p> + “I must confess, sir, it is not my habit.” + </p> + <p> + “Better if it were. The present generation, it seems to me, may be + considered more fortunate, in some respects, than the past, though they + are scarcely wiser. They seem to me exempt from such necessities as + encountered their fathers. Their tasks are fewer—their labor is + lighter—” + </p> + <p> + “Are their cares the lighter in consequence?” I demanded. + </p> + <p> + “That is the question,” he replied. “For myself, I think not. They grow + gray the sooner. They have fewer tasks, but heavier troubles. They live + better in some respects. They have luxuries which, in my day, youth were + scarcely permitted to enjoy; and which, indeed, were not often enjoyed by + age. But they have little peace:-and, look at the bankruptcies of our + city. They are without number—they produce no shame—do not + seem to affect the credit of the parties; and, certainly, in no respect + diminish their expenditures. They live as if the present day were the last + they had to live; and living thus, they must live dishonestly. It is + inevitable. The moral sense is certainly in a much lower condition in our + country, than I have ever known it. What can be the reason?” + </p> + <p> + “The facility of procuring money, perhaps. Money is the most dangerous of + human possessions.” + </p> + <p> + “There can be none other. Clifford!” + </p> + <p> + “Sir.” + </p> + <p> + “I change the subject abruptly. Have you seen my son lately, Clifford?” + </p> + <p> + The question was solemnly, suddenly spoken. It staggered me. What could it + mean? That there was a meaning in it—a deep meaning—was + unquestionable. But of what nature? Did the venerable man suspect my + secret—could he by any chance conjecture my purpose? It is one + quality of a mind not exactly satisfied of the propriety of its + proceedings, to be suspicious of all things and persons—to fancy + that the consciousness which distresses itself, is also the consciousness + of its neighbors. Hence the blush upon the cheek—the faltering + accents—the tremulousness of limb, and feebleness of movement. For a + moment after the old man spoke—troubled with this consciousness, I + could not answer. But my self-esteem came to my relief—nay, it had + sufficed to conceal my disquiet. My looks were subdued to a seeming calm—my + voice was un-broken, while I answered:— + </p> + <p> + “I have seen him within a few days, sir—a few nights ago we were at + Mrs. Delaney's party. But why the question, sir?—what troubles you?” + </p> + <p> + “Strange that you have not seen! Did you not remark the alteration in his + appearance?” + </p> + <p> + “I must confess, sir, I did not; but, perhaps, I did not remark him + closely among the crowd.” + </p> + <p> + “He is altered—terribly altered, Clifford. It is very strange that + you have not seen it. It is visible to myself—his mother—all + the family, and some of its friends We tremble for his life. He is a mere + skeleton—moves without life or animation, feebly—his cheeks + are pale and thin, his lips white, and his eyes have an appearance which, + beyond anything besides, distresses me—either lifelessly dull, or + suddenly flushed up with an expression of wildness, which occurs so + suddenly as to distress us with the worst apprehensions of his sanity.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, sir!” I exclaimed with natural surprise. + </p> + <p> + “So it appears to us, his mother and myself, though, as it has escaped + your eyes, I trust that we have exaggerated it. That we have not imagined + all of it, however, we have other proofs to show. His manner is changed of + late, and most of his habits. The change is only within the last six + months; so suddenly made that it has been forced upon our sight. Once so + frank, he is now reserved and shrinking to the last degree; speaks little; + is reluctant to converse; and, I am compelled to believe, not only avoids + my glance, but fears it.” + </p> + <p> + “It is very strange that he should do so, sir. I can think of no reason + why he should avoid YOUR glance. Can you sir? Have you any suspicions?” + </p> + <p> + “I have.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! have you indeed?” + </p> + <p> + The old man drew his chair closer to me, and, putting his hand on mine, + with eyes in which the tears, big, slow-gathering, began to fill—trickling + at length, one by one, through the venerable furrows of his cheeks—he + replied in faltering accents:— + </p> + <p> + “A terrible suspicion, Clifford. I am afraid he drinks; that he frequents + gambling-houses; that, in short, he is about to be lost to us, body and + soul, for ever.” + </p> + <p> + Deep and touching was the groan that followed from that old man's bosom. I + hastened to relieve him. + </p> + <p> + “I am sure, sir, that you do your son great injustice. I cannot conceive + it possible that he should have fallen into these habits.” + </p> + <p> + “He is out nightly—late—till near daylight. But two hours ago + he returned home. Let me confess to you, Clifford, what I should be loath + to confess to anybody else. I followed him last night. He took the path to + the suburbs, and I kept him in sight almost till he reached your dwelling. + Then I lost him. He moved too rapidly then for my old limbs, and + disappeared among those groves of wild orange that fill your neighborhood. + I searched them as closely as I could in the imperfect starlight, but + could see nothing of him. I am told that there are gambling-houses, + notorious enough, in the suburbs just beyond you. I fear that he found + shelter in these—that he finds shelter in them nightly.” + </p> + <p> + I scarcely breathed while listening to the unhappy father's, narrative. + There was one portion of it to which I need not refer the reader, as + calculated to confirm my own previous convictions. I struggled with my + feelings, however, in respect for his. I kept them down and spoke. + </p> + <p> + “In this one fact, Mr. Edgerton, I see nothing to alarm you. Your son may + have been engaged far more innocently than you imagine. He is young—you + know too well the practices of young men. As for the drinking he is + perhaps the very last person whom I should suspect of excess. I have + always thought his temperance unquestionable.” + </p> + <p> + “Until recently, I should have had no fears myself. But connecting one + fact with another—his absence all night, nightly—the + stealthiness with which he departs from home after the family has retired—the + stealthiness with which he returns just before day—his visible + agitation when addressed—and, oh Clifford! worst of all signs, the + shrinking of his eye beneath mine and his mother's—the fear to meet, + and the effort to avoid us—these are the signs which most pain me, + and excite my apprehensions But look at his face and figure also. The + haggard misery of the one, sign of sleeplessness and late watching—the + attenuated feebleness of the other, showing the effects of some practices, + no matter of what particular sort, which are undermining his constitution, + and rapidly tending to destroy him. If you but look in his eye as I have + done, marking its wildness, its wandering, its sensible expression of + shame—you can hardly fail to think with me that something is morally + wrong. He is guilty—” + </p> + <p> + “He is guilty!” + </p> + <p> + I echoed the words of the father, involuntarily. They struck the chord of + conviction in my own soul, and seemed to me the language of a judgment. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! You know it, then?” cried the old man. “Speak! Tell me, Clifford—what + is his folly? What is the particular guilt and shame into which he has + fallen?” + </p> + <p> + I knew not that I had spoken until I heard these words. The agitation of + the father was greatly increased. Truly, his sorrows were sad to look + upon. I answered him:— + </p> + <p> + “I simply echoed your words, sir—I am ignorant, as I said before; + and, indeed, I may venture, I think, with perfect safety, to assure you + that gaming and drink have nothing to do with his appearance and + deportment. I should rather suspect him of some improper—SOME GUILTY + CONNECTION—” + </p> + <p> + I felt that, in the utterance of these words, I too had become excited. My + voice did not rise, but I knew that it had acquired an intenseness which I + as quickly endeavored to suppress. But the father had already beheld the + expression in my face, and perhaps the sudden change in my tones grated + harshly upon his ear. I could see that his looks became more eager and + inquiring. I could note a greater degree of apprehension and anxiety in + his eyes. I subdued myself, though not without some effort. + </p> + <p> + “William Edgerton may be erring, sir—that I do not deny, for I have + seen too little of him of late to say anything of his proceedings; but I + am very confident when I say that excess in liquor can not be a vice of + his; and as for gaming, I should fancy that he was the last person in the + world likely to be tempted to the indulgence of such a practice.” + </p> + <p> + The father shook his head mournfully. + </p> + <p> + “Why this shame?—this fear? Besides, Clifford, what we know of our + son makes us equally sure that women have nothing to do with his excesses. + But these conjectures help us nothing. Clifford, I must look to you.” + </p> + <p> + “What can I do for you, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “He is my son, my only son—the care of many sad, sleepless hours. It + was his mother's hope that he would be our solace in the weary and the sad + ones. You can not understand yet how much the parent lives in the child—how + many of his hopes settle there. William has already disappointed us in our + ambition. He will be nothing that we hoped him to be; but of this I + complain not. But that he should become base, Clifford; a night-prowler in + the streets; a hanger-on of stews and gaming-houses; a brawler at an + alehouse bar; a man to skulk through life and society; down-looking in his + father's sight; despised in that of the community—oh! these are the + cruel, the dreadful apprehensions!” + </p> + <p> + “But you know not that he is any of these.” + </p> + <p> + “True; but there is something grievously wrong when the son dares not meet + the eye of a parent with manly fearlessness; when he looks without joyance + at the face of a mother, and shrinks from her endearments as if he felt + that he deserved them not. William Edgerton is miserable; that is evident + enough. Now, misery does not always imply guilt; but, in his case, what + else should it imply! He has had no misfortunes. He is independent; he is + beloved by his parents, and by his friends; he has had no denial of the + affections; in short, there is no way of accounting for his conduct or + appearance, but by the supposition that he has fallen into vicious habits. + Whatever these habits are, they are killing him. He is a mere skeleton; + his whole appearance is that of a man running a rapid course of + dissipation which can only advance in shame, and terminate in death. + Clifford, if I have ever served you in the hour of your need, serve me in + this of mine. Save my son for me. Bring him back from his folly; restore + him, if you can, to peace and purity. See him, will you not? Seek him out; + see him; probe his secret; and tell me what can be done to rescue him + before it be too late.” + </p> + <p> + “Really, Mr. Edgerton, you confound me. What can I do?” + </p> + <p> + “I know not. Every thing, perhaps! I confess I can not counsel you. I can + not even suggest how you should begin. You must judge for yourself. You + must think and make your approaches according to your own judgment. + Remember, that it is not in his behalf only. Think of the father, the + mother! our hope, our all is at stake. I speak to you in the language of a + child, Clifford. I am a child in this. This boy has been the apple of our + eyes. It is our sight for which I seek your help. I know your good sense + and sagacity. I know that you can trace out his secret when I should fail. + My feelings would blind me to the truth. They might lead me to use + language which would drive him from me. I leave it all to you. I know not + who else can do for me half so well in a matter of this sort. Will you + undertake it?” + </p> + <p> + Could I refuse? This question was discussed in all its bearings, in a few + lightning-like progresses of thought. I felt all its difficulties—anticipated + the annoyances to which it would subject me, and the degree of + self-forbearance which it would necessarily require; yet, when I looked on + the noble old gentleman who sat beside me—his gray hairs, his + pleading looks, the recollection of the deep debt of gratitude which I + owed him—I put my hand in his; I could resist no longer. + </p> + <p> + “I will try!” was the brief answer which I made him. + </p> + <p> + “God bless, God speed you!” he exclaimed, squeezing my hand with a + pressure that said everything, and we separated; he for his family, and I + for that new task which I had undertaken. How different from my previous + purpose! I was now to seek to save the person whom I had set forth that + morning with the purpose (if I had any purpose) to destroy. What a volume + made up of contradictions and inconsistencies, strangely bound together, + is the moral world of man! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0035" id="link2HCH0035"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXV. — APPLICATION OF “THE QUESTION.” + </h2> + <p> + But how to save him? How to approach him? How to keep down my own sense of + wrong, my own feeling of misery, while representing the wishes and the + feelings of that good old man—that venerable father? These were + questions to afflict, to confound me! Still, I was committed; I must do + what I had promised; undertake it at least; and the conviction that such a + task was to be the severest trial of my manliness, was a conviction that + necessarily helped to strengthen me to go through with it like a man. + </p> + <p> + What I had heard from Mr. Edgerton in relation to his son, though new, and + somewhat surprising to myself, had not altered, in any respect, my + impressions on the subject of his conduct toward, or with, my wife. + Indeed, it rather served to confirm them. I could have told the old man, + that, in losing all traces of his son in the neighborhood of my dwelling + the night when he pursued him, he had the most conclusive proofs that he + had gone to no gaming-houses. But where did he go? That was a question for + myself. Had he entered my premises, and hidden himself amidst the foliage + where I had myself so often harbored, while my object had been the secret + inspection of my household? Could it be that he had loitered there during + the last few nights of my wife's illness, in the vain hope of seeing me + take my departure? This was the conclusion which I reached, and with it + came the next thought that he would revisit the spot again that night. Ha! + that thought! “Let him come!” I muttered to myself. “I will endeavor to be + in readiness!” + </p> + <p> + But, surely, the father was grievously in error; his parental fear, alone, + had certainly drawn the picture of his son's reduced and miserable + condition. I had seen nothing of this. I had observed that he was shy, + incommunicative—seeking to avoid me, as, according to their showing, + he had striven to avoid his parents. So far our experience had been the + same. But I had totally failed to perceive the marks of suffering or of + sin which the vivid feelings of the father on this subject had insisted + were so apparent. I had seen in Edgerton only the false friend, the + traitor, stealing like a serpent to my bower, to beguile from my side the + only object which made it dear to me. I could see in him only the exulting + seducer, confident in his ability, artful in his endeavors, winning in his + accomplishments, and striving with practised industry of libertinism, in + the prosecution of his cruel schemes. I could see the grace of his + bearing, the ease of his manner, the symmetry of his person, the neatness + of his costume, the superiority of his dancing, the insinuation of his + address. I could see these only! That he looked miserable—that he + was thin to meagreness, I had not seen. + </p> + <p> + Yet, even were it so, what could this prove, as the father had + conclusively shown, but guilt. Poverty could not trouble him—he had + never been an unrequited lover. He had gone along the stream of society, + indifferent to the lures of beauty, and with a bark that had always + appeared studiously to keep aloof from the shores or shoals of matrimony. + If he was miserable, his misery could only come from misconduct, not from + misfortune. It was a misery engendered by guilt, and what was that guilt? + I KNEW that he did not drink; and was not his course in regard to + Kingsley, as narrated by that person on the night when we went to the + gaming-house together—was not that sufficient to show that he was no + gamester, unless he happened to be one of the most bare faced of all + canting hypocrites, which I could not believe him to be. What remained, + but that my calculations were right? It was guilt that was sinking him, + body and soul, so that his eye no longer dared to look upward—so + that his ear shrunk from the sounds of those voices which, even in the + language of kindness, were still speaking to him in the severest language + of rebuke. And whom did that guilt concern more completely than myself? + Say that the father was to lose his son, his only son—what was my + loss, what was my shame! and upon whom should the curse most fully and + finally fall, if not upon the wrong-doer, though it so happened that the + ruin of the guilty brought with it overthrow to the innocent scarcely less + complete! + </p> + <p> + The extent of that guilt of Edgerton? + </p> + <p> + On this point all was a wilderness, vague, inconclusive, confused and + crowded within my understanding. I believed that he had approached my wife + with evil designs—I believed, without a doubt, that he had passed + the boundaries of propriety in his intercourse with her; but I believed + not that she had fallen! No! I had an instinctive confidence in her + purity, that rendered it apparently impossible that she should lapse into + the grossness of illicit love. What, then, was my fear? That she did love + him, though, struggling with the tendency of her heart, she had not + yielded in the struggle. I believed that his grace, beauty, and + accomplishments—his persevering attention—his similar tastes—had + succeeded in making an impression upon her soul which had effectually + eradicated mine. I believed that his attentions were sweet to her—that + she had not the strength to reject them; and, though she may have proved + herself too virtuous to yield, she had not been sufficiently strong to + repulse him with virtuous resentment. + </p> + <p> + That Edgerton had not succeeded, did not lessen HIS offence. The attempt + was an indignity that demanded atonement—that justified punishment + equally severe with that which should have followed a successful + prosecution of his purpose. Women are by nature weak. They are not to be + tempted. He who, knowing their weakness, attempts their overthrow by that + medium, is equally cowardly and criminal. I could not doubt that he had + made this attempt; but now it seemed necessary that I should suspend my + indignation, in obedience with what appeared to be a paramount duty. A + selfish reasoning now suggested compliance with this duty as a mean for + procuring better intelligence than I already possessed. I need not say + that the doubt was the pain in my bosom. I felt, in the words of the cold + devil Iago, those “damned minutes” of him “who dotes, yet doubts, + suspects, yet strongly loves.” + </p> + <p> + The shapeless character of my fears and suspicions did not by any means + lessen their force and volume. On the contrary it caused them to loom out + through the hazy atmosphere of the imagination, assuming aspects more huge + and terrible, in consequence of their very indistinctness; as the phantom + shapes along the mountains of the Brocken, gathering and scowling in the + morning or the evening twilight. To obtain more precise knowledge—to + be able to subject to grasp and measure the uncertain phantoms which I + feared—was, if not to reduce their proportions, at least to rid me + of that excruciating suspense, in determining what to do, which was the + natural result of my present ignorance. + </p> + <p> + With some painstaking, I was enabled to find and force an interview with + Edgerton that very day. He made an effort to elude me—such an effort + as he could make without allowing his object to be seen. But I was not to + be baffled. Having once determined upon my course, I was a puritan in the + inveteracy with which I persevered in it. But it required no small + struggle to approach the criminal, and so utterly to subdue my own sense + of wrong, my suspicions and my hostility, as to keep in sight no more than + the wishes and fears of the father. I have already boasted of my strength + in some respects, even while exposing my weaknesses in others. That I + could persuade Edgerton and my wife, equally, of my indifference, even at + the moment when I was most agonized by my doubts of their purity, is a + sufficient proof that I possessed a certain sort of strength. It was a + moral strength, too, which could conceal the pangs inflicted by the + vulture, even when it was preying upon the vitals of the best affections + and the dearest hopes of the heart. It was necessary that I should put all + this strength in requisition, as well to do what was required by the + father, as to pierce, with keen eye, and considerate question, to the + secret soul of the witness. I must assume the blandest manner of our + youthful friendship; I must say kind things, and say them with a certain + frank unconsciousness. I must use the language of a good fellow—a + sworn companion—who is anxious to do justice to my friend's father, + and yet had no notion that my friend himself was doing the smallest thing + to justify the unmeasured fears of the fond old man. Such was my cue at + first. I am not so sure that I pursued it to the end; but of this + hereafter. + </p> + <p> + My attention having been specially drawn to the personal appearance of + William Edgerton, I was surprised, if not absolutely shocked, to see that + the father had scarcely exaggerated the misery of his condition. He was + the mere shadow of his former self. His limbs, only a year before, had + been rounded even to plumpness. They were now sharp and angular. His skin + was pale, his looks haggard; and that apprehensive shrinking of the eye, + which had called forth the most keen expressions of fear and suspicion + from the father's lips, was the prominent characteristic which commanded + my attention during our brief interview. His eye, after the first + encounter, no longer rose to mine. Keenly did I watch his face, though for + an instant only. A sudden hectic flush mantled its paleness. I could + perceive a nervous muscular movement about his mouth, and he slightly + started when I spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Edgerton,” I said, with tones of good-humored reproach, “there's no + finding you now-a-days. You have the invisible cap. What do you do with + yourself? As for law, that seems destined to be a mourner so far as you + are concerned. She sits like a widow in her weeds. You have abandoned her: + do you mean to abandon your friends also?” + </p> + <p> + He answered, with a faint attempt to smile:— + </p> + <p> + “No; I have been to see you often, but you are never at home.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! I did not hear of it. But if you really wished to see a husband who + has survived the honeymoon, I suspect that home is about the last place + where you should seek for him. Julia did the honors, I trust?” + </p> + <p> + His eye stole upward, met mine, and sunk once more upon the floor. He + answered faintly:— + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but I have not seen her for some days.” + </p> + <p> + “Not since Mother Delaney's party, I believe?” + </p> + <p> + The color came again into his cheeks, but instantly after was succeeded by + a deadly paleness. + </p> + <p> + “What a bore these parties are! and such parties as those of Mrs. Delaney + are particularly annoying to me. Why the d—l couldn't the old tabby + halter her hobby without calling in her neighbors to witness the painful + spectacle? You were there, I think?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes.” + </p> + <p> + “I left early. I got heartily sick. You know I never like such places; + and, as soon as they began dancing, I took advantage of the fuss and + fiddle to steal off. It was unfortunate I did so, for Julia was taken + sick, and has had a narrow chance for it. I thought I should have lost + her.” + </p> + <p> + All this was spoken in tones of the coolest imaginable indifference. + Edgerton was evidently surprised. He looked up with some curiosity in his + glance, and more confidence; and, with accents that slightly faltered, he + asked:— + </p> + <p> + “Is she well again? I trust she is better now.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes!” I answered, with the same sang-froid. “But I've had a serious + business of watching through the last three nights. Her peril was extreme. + She lost her little one.” + </p> + <p> + A visible shudder went through his frame. + </p> + <p> + “Tired to death of the walls of the house, which seems a dungeon to me, I + dashed out this morning, at daylight, as soon as I found I could safely + leave her; and, strolling down to the office, who should I find there but + your father, perched at the desk, and seemingly inclined to resume all his + former practice?” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! my father—so early? What could be the matter? Did he tell + you? + </p> + <p> + “Yes, i'faith, he is in tribulation about you. He fancies you are in a + fair way to destruction. You can't conceive what he fancies. It seems, + according to his account, that you are a night-stalker. He dwells at large + upon your nightly absences from home, and then about your appearance, + which, to say truth, is very wretched. You scarcely look like the same + man. Edgerton. Have you been sick? What's the matter with you?” + </p> + <p> + “I am NOT altogether well,” he said, evasively. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, but mere indisposition would never produce such a change, in so + short a period, in any man! Your father is disposed to ascribe it to other + causes.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! what does he think?” + </p> + <p> + I fancied there was mingled curiosity and trepidation in this inquiry. + </p> + <p> + “He suspects you of gaming and drinking; but I assured him, very + confidently, that such was not the case. On one of these heads I could + speak confidently, for I met Kingsley the other night—the night of + Mother Delaney's party—who was hot and heavy against you because you + refused to lend him money for such purposes. I was more indulgent, lent + him the money, went with him to the house, and returned home with a pocket + full of specie, sufficient to set up a small banking-operation of my own.” + </p> + <p> + “You! can it be possible!” + </p> + <p> + “True; and no such dull way of spending an evening either. I got home in + the small hours, and found Julia delirious. I haven't had such a fright + for a stolen pleasure, Heaven knows when. There was the doctor, and there + my eternal mother-in-law, and my poor little wife as near the grave as + could be! But the circumstance of refusing the money to Kingsley, knowing + his object, made me confident that gaming was not the cause of your + night-stalking, and so I told the old gentleman.” + </p> + <p> + “And what did he say?” + </p> + <p> + “Shook his head mournfully, and reasoned in this manner: 'He has no + pecuniary necessities, has no oppressive toils, and has never had any + disappointment of heart. There is nothing to make him behave so, and look + so, but guilt—GUILT!'” + </p> + <p> + I repeated the last word with an entire change in the tone of my voice. + Light, lively, and playful before, I spoke that single word with a stern + solemnity, and, bending toward him, my eye keenly traversed the mazes of + his countenance. + </p> + <p> + “HE HAS IT!” I thought to myself, as his head drooped forward, and his + whole frame shuddered momentarily. + </p> + <p> + “But”—here my tones again became lively and playful—I even + laughed—“I told the old man that I fancied I could hit the nail more + certainly on the head. In short, I said I could pretty positively say what + was the cause of your conduct and condition.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” and, as he uttered this monosyllable, he made a feeble effort to + rise from his seat, but sunk back, and again fixed his eye upon the floor + in visible emotion. + </p> + <p> + “Yes! I told him—was I not right?—that a woman was at the + bottom of it all!” + </p> + <p> + He started to his feet. His face was averted from me. + </p> + <p> + “Ha! was I not right? I knew it! I saw through it from the first; and, + though I did not tell the old man THAT, I was pretty sure that you were + trespassing upon your neighbor's grounds. Ha! what say you? Was I not + right? Were you not stealing to forbidden places—playing the snake, + on a small scale, in some blind man's Eden? Ha! ha! what say you to that? + I am right, am I not? eh?” + </p> + <p> + I clapped him on the shoulder as I spoke. His face had been half averted + from me while I was speaking; but now it turned upon me, and his glance + met mine, teeming with inquisitive horror. + </p> + <p> + “No! no! you are not right!” he faltered out; “it is not so. Nothing is + the matter with me! I am quite well—quite! I will see my father, and + set him right.” + </p> + <p> + “Do so,” I said, coolly and indifferently—“do so; tell him what you + please: but you can't change my conviction that you're after some pretty + woman, and probably poaching on some neighbor's territory. Come, make me + your confidante, Edgerton. Let us know the history of your misfortune. Is + the lady pliant? I should judge so, since you continue to spend so many + nights away from home. Come, make a clean breast of it. Out with your + secret! I have always been your friend. WE COULD NOT BETRAY EACH OTHER, I + THINK!” + </p> + <p> + “You are quite mistaken,” he said, with the effort of one who is half + strangled. “There is nothing in it; I assure you, you were never more + mistaken.” + </p> + <p> + “Pshaw, Edgerton! you may blind papa, but you can not blind me. Keep your + secret, if you please, but, if you provoke me, I will trace it out; I will + unkennel you. If I do not show the sitting hare in a fortnight, by the + course of the hunter, tell me I am none myself.” + </p> + <p> + His consternation increased, but I did not allow it to disarm me. I probed + him keenly, and in such a manner as to make him wince with apprehension at + every word which I uttered. Morally, William Edgerton was a brave man. + Guilt alone made him a coward. It actually gave me pain, after a while, to + behold his wretched imbecility. He hung upon my utterance with the + trembling suspense of one whose eye has become enchained with the + fascinating gaze of the serpent. I put my questions and comments home to + him, on the assumption that he was playing the traitor with another's + wife; though taking care, all the while, that my manner should be that of + one who has no sort of apprehensions on his own score. My deportment and + tone tallied well with the practised indifference which had distinguished + my previous overt conduct. It deceived him on that head; but the truth, + like a sharp knife, was no less keen in penetrating to his soul; and, + preserving my coolness and directness, with that singular tenacity of + purpose which I could maintain in spite of my own sufferings—and + keep them still unsuspected—I did not scruple to impel the sharp + iron into every sensitive place within his bosom. + </p> + <p> + He writhed visibly before me. His struggles did not please me, but I + sought to produce them simply because they seemed so many proofs + confirming the truth of my conjectures. The fiend in my own soul kept + whispering, “He has it!”—and a fatal spell, not unlike that which + riveted his attention to the language which tore and vexed him, urged me + to continue it until at length the sting became too keen for his + endurance. In very desperation, he broke away from the fetters of that + fascination of terror which had held him for one mortal hour to the spot. + </p> + <p> + “No more! no more!” he exclaimed, with an uncontrollable burst of emotion. + “You torture me! I can stand it no longer! There is nothing in your + conjecture! There is no reason for your suspicions! She is—” + </p> + <p> + “She? Ah!” + </p> + <p> + I could not suppress the involuntary exclamation. The truth seemed to be + at hand. I was premature. My utterance brought him to his senses. He + stopped, looked at me wildly for an instant, his eyes dilated almost to + bursting. He seemed suddenly to be conscious that the secrets of his soul—its + dark, uncommissioned secrets—were about to force themselves into + sight and speech; and unable, perhaps, to arrest them in any other way he + darted headlong from my presence. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0036" id="link2HCH0036"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVI. — MEDITATED EXILE. + </h2> + <p> + With his departure sunk the spirit which had sustained me. I had not gone + through that scene willingly; I had suffered quite as many pangs as + himself. I had made my own misery, though disguised under the supposed + condition of another, the subject of my own mockery; and if I succeeded in + driving the iron into HIS soul, the other end of the shaft was all the + while working in mine! His flight was an equal relief to both of us. The + stern spirit left me from that moment. My agony found relief, momentary + though it was, in a sudden gush of tears. My hot, heavy head sank upon my + palms, and I groaned in unreserved homage to the never-slumbering genius + of pain—that genius which alone is universal—which adopts us + from the cradle—which distinguishes our birth by our tears, hallows + the sentiment of grief to us from the beginning, and maintains the + fountains which supply its sorrows to the end. The lamb skips, the calf + leaps, the fawn bounds, the bird chirps, the young colt frisks; all things + but man enjoy life from its very dawn. He alone is feeble, suffering. His + superior pangs and sorrows are the first proofs of his singular and + superior destiny. + </p> + <p> + Bitter was the gush of tears that rolled from the surcharged fountains of + my heart; bitter, but free-flowing to my relief, at the moment when my + head seemed likely to burst with a volcanic volume within it, and when a + blistering arrow seemed slowly to traverse, to and fro, the most sore and + shining passages of my soul. Had not Edgerton fled, I could not have + sustained it much longer. My passions would have hurled aside my judgment, + and mocked that small policy under which I acted. I felt that they were + about to speak, and rejoiced that he fled. Had he remained, I should most + probably have poured forth all my suspicion, all my hate; dragged by + violence from his lips the confession of his wrong, and from his heart the + last atonement for it. + </p> + <p> + At first I reproached myself that I had not done so. I accused myself of + tameness—the dishonorable tameness of submitting to indignity—the + last of all indignities—and of conferring calmly, even + good-humoredly, with the wrong-doer. But cooler moments came. A brief + interval sufficed—helped by the flood of tears which rushed, hot and + scalding, from my eyes—to subdue the angry spirit. I remembered my + pledges to the father; my unspeakable obligations to him; and when I again + recollected that my convictions had not assailed the purity of my wife, + and, at most, had questioned her affections only, my forbearance seemed + justified. + </p> + <p> + But could the matter rest where it was? Impossible! What was to be done? + It was clear enough that the only thing that could be done, for the relief + of all parties, was to be done by myself. Edgerton was suffering from a + guilty pursuit. That pursuit, if still urged, might be successful, if not + so at present. The constant drip of the water will wear away the stone; + and if my wife could submit to impertinent advances without declaring them + to her husband, the work of seduction was already half done. To listen is, + in half the number of cases, to fall. I must save her; I had not the + courage to put her from me. Believing that she was still safe, I resolved, + through the excess of that love which was yet the predominant passion in + my soul, in spite of all its contradictions, to keep her so, if human wit + could avail, and human energy carry its desires into successful + completion. + </p> + <p> + To do this, there was but one process. That was flight. I must leave this + city—this country. By doing so, I remove my wife from temptation, + remove the temptation from the unhappy young man whom it is destroying; + and thus, though by a sacrifice of my own comforts and interests, repay + the debt of gratitude to my benefactor in the only effective manner. It + called for no small exercise of moral courage and forbearance—no + small benevolence—to come to this conclusion. It must be understood + that my professional business was becoming particularly profitable. I was + rising in my profession. My clients daily increased in number; my + acquaintance daily increased in value. Besides, I loved my birthplace—thrice-hallowed—the + only region in my eyes— + </p> + <p> + “The spot most worthy loving Of all beneath the sky.” + </p> + <p> + But the sacrifice was to be made; and my imagination immediately grew + active for my compensation, by describing a woodland home—a spot, + remote from the crowd, where I should carry my household gods, and set + them up for my exclusive and uninvaded worship. The whole world-wide West + was open to me. A virgin land, rich in natural wealth and splendor, it + held forth the prospect of a fair field and no favor to every newcomer. + There it is not possible to keep in thraldom the fear less heart and the + active intellect. There, no petty circle of society can fetter the + energies or enfeeble the endeavors. No mocking, stale conventionalities + can usurp the place of natural laws, and put genius and talent into the + accursed strait-jacket of routine! Thither will I go. I remembered the + late conference with my friend Kingsley, and the whole course of my + reasoning on the subject of my removal was despatched in half an hour. “I + will go to Alabama.” + </p> + <p> + Such was my resolution. I was the man to make sudden resolutions. This, + however, reasoned upon with the utmost circumspection, seemed the very + best that I could make. My wife, yet pure, was rescued from the danger + that threatened her; I was saved the necessity of taking a life so dear to + my benefactor; and the unhappy young man himself—the victim to a + blind passion—having no longer in his sight the temptation which + misled him, would be left free to return to better thoughts, and the + accustomed habits of business and society. I had concluded upon my course + in the brief interval which followed my interview with William Edgerton + and my return home. + </p> + <p> + The next day I saw his father. I communicated the assurance of the son, + and renewed my own, that neither drunkenness nor gaming was a vice. What + it was that afflicted him I did not pretend to know, but I ascribed it to + want of employment; a morbid, unenergetic temperament; the fact that he + was independent, and had no rough necessities to make him estimate the + true nature and the objects of life; and, at the close, quietly suggested + that possibly there was some affair of the heart which contributed also to + his suffering. I did not deny that his looks were wretched, but I stoutly + assured the old man that his parental fears exaggerated their + wretchedness. We had much other talk on the subject. When we were about to + separate for the day, I declared my own determination in this manner:— + </p> + <p> + “I have just decided on a step, Mr. Edgerton, which perhaps will somewhat + contribute to the improvement of your son, by imposing some additional + tasks upon him. I am about to emigrate for the southwest.” + </p> + <p> + “You, Clifford? Impossible! What puts that into your head?” + </p> + <p> + It was something difficult to furnish any good reason for such a movement. + The only obvious reason spoke loudly for iny remaining where I was. + </p> + <p> + “This is unaccountable,” said he. “You are doing here as few young men + have done before you. Your business increasing—your income already + good—surely, Clifford, you have not thought upon the matter—you + are not resolved.” + </p> + <p> + I could plead little other than a truant disposition for my proceeding, + but I soon convinced him that I was resolved. He seemed very much + troubled; betrayed the most flattering concern in my interests; and, + renewing his argument for my stay, renewed also his warmest professions of + service. + </p> + <p> + “I had hoped,” he said, “to have seen you and William, closely united, + pursuing the one path equally and successfully together. I shall have no + hopes of him if you leave us.” + </p> + <p> + “The probability is, sir, that he will do better with the whole + responsibility of the office thrown upon him.” + </p> + <p> + “No! no!” said the old man, mournfully. “I have no hope of him. There + seems to me a curse upon wealth always—that follows and clings to + it, and never leaves it, till it works out the ruin of all the + proprietors. See the number of our young men, springing from nothing, that + make everything out of it—rise to eminence and power—get + fortune as if it were a mere sport to command and to secure it; while, on + the other Sand, look at the heirs of our proud families. Profligate, + reckless, abandoned: as if, reasoning from the supposed wealth of their + parents, they fancied that there were no responsibilities of their own. I + saw this danger from the beginning. I have striven to train up my son in + the paths of duty and constant employment; and yet—but complaint is + idle. The consciousness of having tried my best to have and make it + otherwise is, nevertheless, a consolation. When do you think to go?” + </p> + <p> + “In a week or two at farthest. I have but to rid myself of my + impediments.” + </p> + <p> + “Always prompt; but it is best. Once resolved, action is the moral law. + Still, I wish I could delay you. I still think you are committing a great + error. I can not understand it. You have established yourself. This is not + easy anywhere. You will find it difficult in a new country, and among + strangers.” + </p> + <p> + “Nay, sir, more easy there than anywhere else. If a man has anything in + him, strangers and a new country are the proper influences to bring it + out. Friends and an old community keep it down, suppress, strangle it. + This is the misfortune of your son. He has family, friends—resources + which defeat all the operations of moral courage, and prevent + independence. Necessity is the moral lever. Do you forget the saying of + one of the wise men? 'If you wish your son to become a man, strip him + naked and send him among strangers'—in other words, throw him upon + his own resources, and let him take care of himself. The not doing this is + the source of that misfortune which only now you deplored as so commonly + following the condition of the select and wealthy. I do not fear the + struggle in a new country. It will end in my gaining my level, be that + high or low. Nothing, in such a region, can keep a man from that.” + </p> + <p> + “Ay, but the roughness of those new countries—the absence of + refinement—the absolute want of polish and delicacy.” + </p> + <p> + “The roughness will not offend me, if it is manly. The world is full of + it. To be anything, a man must not have too nice a stomach. Such a stomach + will make him recoil from sights of misery and misfortune; and he who + recoils from such sights, will be the last to relieve, to repair them. But + while I admit the roughness and the want of polish among these frontier + men, I deny the want of delicacy. Their habits are rude and simple, + perhaps, but their tastes are pure and unaffected, and their hearts in the + right place. They have strong affections; and strong affections, properly + balanced, are the true sources of the better sort of delicacy. All other + is merely conventional, and consists of forms and phrases, which are very + apt to keep us from the thing itself which they are intended to represent. + Give me these frank men and women of the frontier, while my own feelings + are yet strong and earnest. Here, I am perpetually annoyed by the struggle + to subdue within the social limits the expression of that nature which is + for ever boiling up within me, and the utterance of which is neither more + nor less than the heart's utterance of the faith and hope which are in it. + We are told of those nice preachers who 'never mention hell to ears + polite.' They are the preachers of your highly-refined, sentimental + society. Whatever hell may be, they are the very teachers that, by their + mincing forbearance, conduct the poor soul that relies on them into its + jaws. It is a sort of lie not to use the properest language to express our + thoughts, but rather so to falsify our thoughts by a sort of + lack-a-daisaical phraseology which deprives them of all their virility. A + nation or community is in a bad way for truth, when there is a tacit + understanding among their members to deal in the diminutives of a + language, and forbear the calling of things by their right names. An + Englishman, wishing to designate something which is graceful, pleasing, + delicate, or fine, uses the word 'nice'—more fitly applied to + bon-bons or beefsteaks, according to the stomach of the speaker. An + energetic form of speech is rated, in fashionable society, as particularly + vulgar. In our larger American cities, where they have much pretension but + little character, a leg must not be spoken of as such. You may say 'limb,' + but not 'leg.' The word 'woman'—one of the sweetest in the language—is + supposed to disparage the female to whom it is applied. She must be called + a 'lady,' forsooth; and this word, originally intended to pacify an + aristocratic vanity, has become the ordinary appellative of every member + of that gross family which, in the language of Shakspere, is only fit to + 'suckle fools and chronicle small beer.' I shall be more free, and feel + more honest in that rough world of the west; a region in which the + dilettantism, such as it is, of our Atlantic cities, is always very prompt + to sneer at and disparage; but I look to see the day, even in our time, + when that west shall be, not merely an empire herself, but the nursing + mother of great empires. There shall be a genius born in that vast, wide + world—a rough, unlicked genius it may be, but one whose words shall + fall upon the hills like thunder, and descend into the valleys like a + settled, heavy rain, which shall irrigate them all with a new life. + Perhaps—” + </p> + <p> + I need not pursue this. I throw it upon paper with no deliberation. It + streams from me like the rest. Its tone was somewhat derived from those + peculiar, sad feelings, and that pang-provoking course of thought, which + it has been the purpose of this narrative to embody. In the expression of + digressive but earnest notions like these, I could momentarily divert + myself from deeper and more painful emotions. I had really gone through a + great trial: I say a great trial—always assuming human indulgence + for that disease of the blind heart which led me where I found myself, + which makes me what I am. I did not feel lightly the pang of parting with + my birthplace. I did not esteem lightly the sacrifice of business, + comfort, and distinction which I was making; and of that greater cause of + suffering, supposed or real, of the falling off in my wife's affection, + the agony is already in part recorded. It may be permitted to me, perhaps, + under these circumstances—with the additional knowledge, which I yet + suppressed, that these sacrifices were to be made, and these sufferings + endured, partly that the son might be saved—to speak with some + unreserved warmth of tone to the venerable and worthy sire. He little knew + how much of my determination to remove from my country was due to my + regard for him. I felt assured that, if I remained, two things must + happen. William Edgerton would persevere in his madness, and I should + murder him in his perseverance! I banished myself in regard for that old + man, and in some measure to requite his benefactions, that I might be + spared this necessity. + </p> + <p> + When, the next day, I sought William Edgerton himself, and declared my + novel determination, he turned pale as death. I could see that his lips + quivered. I watched him closely. He was evidently racked by an emotion + which was more obvious from the necessity he was under of suppressing it. + With considerable difficulty he ventured to ask my reasons for this + strange step, and with averted countenance repeated those which his father + had proffered against my doing so. I could see that he fain would have + urged his suggestions more vehemently if he dared. But the conviction that + his wishes were the fathers to his arguments was conclusive to render him + careful that his expostulations should not put on a show of earnestness. I + must do William Edgerton the justice to say that guilt was not his + familiar. He could not play the part of the practised hypocrite. He had no + powers of artifice. He could not wear the flowers upon his breast, having + the volcano within it. Professionally, he could be no roué. He could seem + no other than he was. Conscious of guilt, which he had not the moral + strength to counteract and overthrow, he had not, at the same time, the + art necessary for its concealment. He could use no smooth, subtle + blandishments. His cheek and eye would tell the story of his mind, though + it strove to make a false presentment. I do him the further justice to + believe that a great part of his misery arose from this consciousness of + his doing wrong, rather than from the difficulties in the way of his + success. I believe that, even were he successful in the prosecution of his + illicit purposes, he would not have looked or felt a jot less miserable. I + felt, while we conferred together, that my departure was perhaps the best + measure for his relief. While I mused upon his character and condition, my + anger yielded in part to commiseration. I remembered the morning-time of + our boyhood—when we stood up for conflict with our young enemies, + side by side—obeyed the same rallying-cry, recognised the same + objects, and were a sort of David and Jonathan to one another. Those days!—they + soothed and softened me while I recalled them. My tone became less keen, + my language less tinctured with sarcasm, when I thought of these things; + and I thought of our separation without thinking of its cause. + </p> + <p> + “I leave you, Edgerton, with one regret—not that we part, for life + is full of partings, and the strong mind must be reconciled with them, or + it is nothing—but that I leave you so unlike your former self. I + wish I could do something for you.” + </p> + <p> + I gave him my hand as as I spoke. He did not grasp—he rather shrunk + from it. An uncontrollable burst of feeling seemed suddenly to gush from + him as he spoke:— + </p> + <p> + “Take no heed of me, Clifford—I am not worthy of YOUR thought.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! What do you mean?” + </p> + <p> + He spoke hastily, in manifest discomfiture:— + </p> + <p> + “I am worthy of no man's thought.” + </p> + <p> + “Pshaw! you are a hypochondriac.” + </p> + <p> + “Would it were that!—But you go!—when?” + </p> + <p> + “In a week, perhaps.” + </p> + <p> + “So soon? So very soon? Do you—do you carry your family with you at + once?” + </p> + <p> + There was great effort to speak this significant inquiry. I perceived + that. I perceived that his eyes were on the ground while it was made. The + question was offensive to me. It had a strange and painful significance. + It recalled the whole cause, the bitter cause of my resolve for exile; and + I could not control the altered tones of my voice in answering, which I + did with some causticity of feeling, which necessarily entered into my + utterance. + </p> + <p> + “Family, surely! My wife only! No great charge, I'm thinking, and her + health needs an early change. Would you have me leave HER? I have no other + family, you know!” + </p> + <p> + The dialogue, carried on with restraint before, was shortened by this; + and, after a few business remarks, which were necessary to our office + concerns, he pleaded an engagement to get away. He left me with some + soreness upon my mind, which formed its expression in a brief soliloquy. + </p> + <p> + “You would have the path made even freer than before, would you? It does + not content you, these long morning meditations—these pretended + labors of the painting-room, the suspicious husband withdrawn, and the + wife, neither scorning nor consenting, willing to believe in that devotion + to the art which is properly a devotion to herself? These are not + sufficient opportunities, eh? There were—more room for landscape, + appoint you, Mr. Edgerton!—Ah! could I but know all. Could I be sure + that she did love him! Could I be sure that she did not! That is the curse—that + doubt!—Will it remain so? No! no! Once removed—once in those + forest regions, it can not be that she will repine for anything. She MUST + love me then—she will feel anew the first fond passion. She will + forget these passing fancies. They WILL pass! She is young. The image will + haunt her no longer—at least, it will no longer haunt me!” + </p> + <p> + So I spoke, but I was not so sure of that last. The doubt did not trouble + me, however. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof. But I had another + test yet to try. I wished to see how Julia would receive the communication + of my purpose. As yet she knew nothing of my contemplated departure. “It + will surprise her,” I thought to myself. “In that surprise she will show + how much our removal will distress her!” + </p> + <p> + But when I made known to her my intention, the surprise was all my own. + The communication did not seemed to distress her at all. Surprise her it + did, but the surprise seemed a pleasant one. It spoke out in a sudden + flashing of the eye, a gentle smiling of the mouth, which was equally + unexpected and grate ful to my heart. + </p> + <p> + “I am delighted with the idea!” she exclaimed, putting her arms about my + neck. “I think we shall be so happy there. I long to get away from this + place.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! But are you serious?” + </p> + <p> + “To be sure.” + </p> + <p> + “I was apprehensive it might distress you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! no! no! I have been dull and tired here, for a long while; and I + thought, when you told me that Mr. Kingsley had gone to Alabama, how + delightful it would be if we could go too.” + </p> + <p> + “But you never told me that.” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + “Nor even looked it, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “Surely not—I should have been loath to have you think, while your + business was so prosperous, and you seemed so well satisfied here, that I + had any discontent.” + </p> + <p> + “I satisfied!” I said this rather to myself than her. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, were you not? I had no reason to think otherwise. Nay, I feared you + were too well satisfied, for I have seen so little of you of late. I'm + sure I wished we were anywhere, so that you could find your home more to + your liking.” + </p> + <p> + “And have such notions really filled your brain Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “Really.” + </p> + <p> + “And you have found me a stranger—you have missed me?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! do you not know it, Edward?” + </p> + <p> + “You shall have no need to reproach me hereafter. We will go to Alabama, + and live wholly for one another. I shall leave you in business time only, + and hurry back as soon as I can.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, promise me that?” + </p> + <p> + “I do!” + </p> + <p> + “We shall be so happy then. Then we shall take our old rambles, Edward, + though in new regions, and will resume the pencil, if you wish it.” + </p> + <p> + This was said timidly. + </p> + <p> + “To be sure I wish it. But why do you say, 'resume'? Have you not been + painting all along?” + </p> + <p> + “No! I have scarcely smeared canvass the last two months” + </p> + <p> + “But you have been sketching?” + </p> + <p> + “No!” + </p> + <p> + “What employed you then in the studio? How have you passed your mornings?” + </p> + <p> + This inquiry was made abruptly, but it did not disturb her. Her answer was + strangely satisfactory. + </p> + <p> + “I have scarcely looked in upon the studio in all that time.” + </p> + <p> + I longed to ask what Edgerton had done with himself, and whether he had + been suffered to employ himself alone, in his morning visits, but my + tongue faltered—I somehow dared not. Still, it was something to have + her assurance that she had not found her attractions in that apartment in + which my jealous fancy had assumed that she took particular delight. She + had spoken with the calmness of innocence, and I was too happy to believe + her. I put my arms about her waist. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, we will renew the old habits, for I suppose that business there will + be less pressing, less exacting, than I have found it here. We will take + our long walks, Julia, and make up for lost time in new sketches. You have + thought me a truant, Julia—neglectful hitherto! Have you not?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Edward!”—Her eyes filled with tears, but a smile, like rainbow, + made them bright. + </p> + <p> + “Say, did you not?” + </p> + <p> + “Do not be angry with me if I confess I thought you very much altered in + some respects. I was fearful I had vexed you.” + </p> + <p> + “You shall have no more reason to fear. We shall be the babes in the wood + together. I am sure we shall be quite happy, left to ourselves. No doubts, + no fears—nothing but love. And you are really willing to go?” + </p> + <p> + “Willing! I wish it! I can get ready in a day.” + </p> + <p> + “You have but a week. But, have you no reluctance? Is there nothing that + you regret to leave? Speak freely, Julia. Your mother, your friends—would + you not prefer to remain with them?” + </p> + <p> + She placed her hands on my shoulders, laid her head close to my bosom and + murmured—how softly, how sweetly—in the touching language of + the Scripture damsel. + </p> + <p> + “Entreat me not to leave thee, or to refrain from following after thee; + for whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. + Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God!” + </p> + <p> + I folded her with tremulous but deep joy in my embrace; and in that sweet + moment of peace, I wondered that I ever should have questioned the faith + of such a woman. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0037" id="link2HCH0037"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVII. — “AND STILL THE BITTER IN THE CUP OF JOY.” + </h2> + <p> + Once more I had sunshine. The clouds seemed to depart as suddenly as they + had risen, and that same rejoicing and rosy light which had encircled the + brow of manhood at its dawn long shrouded, seemingly lost for ever, and + swallowed up in darkness—came out as softly and quietly in the + maturer day, as if its sweet serene had never known even momentary + obscuration. + </p> + <p> + Love, verily, is the purple light of youth. If it abides, blessing and + blessed, with the unsophisticated heart, youth never leaves us. Gray brows + make not age—the feeble step, the wrinkled visage, these indicate + the progress of time, but not the passage of youth. Happy hearts keep us + in perpetual spring, and the glow of childhood without its weaknesses is + ours to the final limit of seventy. The sense of desolation, the pang of + denial, the baffled hope, and the defrauded love, these constitute the + only age that should ever give the heart a pang. I can fancy a good man + advancing through all the mortal stages from seventeen to seventy-five, + and crowned by the sympathies of corresponsive affections, simply going on + from youth to youth, ending at last in youth's perfect immortality! + </p> + <p> + The hope of this—not so much a hope as an instinct—is the + faith of our boyhood. The boy, as the father of the man, transmits this + hope to riper years; but if the experience of the day correspond not with + the promise of the dawn, how rapidly old age comes upon us! White hairs, + lean cheeks, withered muscles, feeble steps, and that dull, dead feeling + about the heart—that utter abandonment of cheer—which would be + despair were it not for a certain blunted sensibility—a sort of + drowsy indifference to all things that the day brings forth, which, as it + takes from life the excitement of every passion, leaves it free from the + sting of any. Yet, were not the tempest better than the calm? Who would + not prefer to be driven before the treacherous hurricane of the blue gulf, + than to linger midway on its shoreless waters, and behold their growing + stagnation from day to day? The apathy of the passions is the most + terrible form in which age makes its approaches. + </p> + <p> + With an earnest, sanguine temperament, such as mine, there is little + danger of such apathy, The danger is not from lethargy but madness. I had + escaped this danger. It was surprising, even to myself, how suddenly my + spirits had arisen from the pressure that had kept them down. In a moment, + as it were, that mocking troop of fears and sorrows which environed me, + took their departure. It seemed that it was only necessary for me to know + that I was about to lose the presence of William Edgerton to find this + relief. + </p> + <p> + And yet, how idle! With an intense egoisme, such as mine, I should conjure + up an Edgerton in the deepest valleys of our country. We have our gods and + devils in our own hearts. The nature of the deities we worship depends + upon our own. In a savage state, the Deity is savage, and expects bloody + sacrifices; with the progress of civilization his attributes incline to + mercy. The advent of Jesus Christ indicated the advance of the Hebrews to + a higher sense of the human nature. It was the advent of the popular + principle, which has been advancing steadily ever since and keeping due + pace with the progress of Christian education. The people were rising at + the expense of the despotism which had kept them down. It does not affect + the truth of this to show that the polish of the Jewish nation was + lessened at this period. Nay, rather proves it, since the diffusion of a + truth or a power must always lessen its intensity In teaching, for the + first time, the doctrine of the soul's immortality, the Savior laid the + foundation of popular rights, in the elevation of the common humanity—since + he thus showed the equal importance, in the sight of God, of every soul + that had ever taken shape beneath his hands. + </p> + <p> + The demon which had vexed and tortured me was a demon of my own soliciting—of + my own creation. But, I knew not this. I congratulated myself on escaping + from him. Blind fancy!—I little knew the insidious pertinacity of + this demon—this demon of the blind heart. I little knew the nature + of his existence, and how much he drew his nutriment from the recesses of + my own nature. He could spare, or seem to spare, the victim of whom he was + so sure; and by a sort of levity, in no ways unaccountable, since we see + it in the play of cat with mouse, could indulge with temporary liberty, + the poor captive of whom he was at any moment certain. I congratulated + myself on my escape; but I was not so well pleased with the + congratulations of others. I was doomed to endure those of my exemplary + mother-in-law, Mrs. Delaney. That woman had her devil—a worse devil, + though not more troublesome, I think, than mine. She said to me, when she + heard of my purpose of removal: “You are right to remove. It is only + prudent. Pity you had not gone some months ago.” + </p> + <p> + I read her meaning, where her language was ambiguous, in her sharp, + leering eyes—full of significance—an expression of mysterious + intelligence, which, mingled with a slight, sinister smile upon her lips, + for a moment, brought a renewal of all my tortures and suspicions. She saw + the annoyance which I felt, and strove to increase it. I know not—I + will not repeat—the occasional innuendos which she allowed herself + to utter in the brief space of a twenty minutes' interview. It is enough + to say that nothing could be more evident than her desire to vex me with + the worst pangs which a man can know, even though her success in the + attempt was to be attained at the expense of her daughter's peace of mind + and reputation. I do not believe that she ever hinted to another, what she + clearly enough insinuated as a cause of fear to me. Her purpose was to + goad me to madness, and in her witless malice, I do believe she was + utterly unconscious of the evil that might accrue to the child of her own + womb from her base and cruel suggestions. I wished to get from her these + suggestions in a more distinct form. I wished at the same time, to deprive + her of the pleasure of seeing that I understood her. I restrained myself + accordingly, though the vulture was then again at my vitals. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean. Mrs. Delaney? Why is it a pity that I hadn't gone + months ago?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! that's enough for me to know. I have my reasons.” + </p> + <p> + “But, will you not suffer me to know them? I am conscious of no evil that + has arisen from my not going sooner.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! Well, if you are not, I can only say you're not so keen-sighted a + lawyer as I thought you were. That's all.” + </p> + <p> + “If you think I would have made out better, got more practice, and made + more money in Alabama, that, I must tell you, has been long since my own + opinion.” + </p> + <p> + “No! I don't mean that—it has no regard to business and money-making—what + I mean.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! what can it have regard to? You make me curious, Mrs. Delaney.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, that may be; but I'm not going to satisfy your curiosity. I thought + you had seen enough for yourself. I'm sure you're the only one that has + not seen.” + </p> + <p> + “Upon my soul, Mrs. Delaney, you are quite a mystery.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! am I?” + </p> + <p> + “I can't dive into such depths. I'm ignorant.” + </p> + <p> + “Tell those that know you no better. But you can't blind me. I know that + you know—and more than that, I can guess what's carrying you to + Alabama. It's not law business, I know that.” + </p> + <p> + I was vexed enough, as may be supposed, at this malicious pertinacity, but + I kept down my struggling gorge with a resolution which I had been + compelled often enough to exercise before; and quietly ended the interview + by taking my hat and departure, as I said:— + </p> + <p> + “You are certainly a very sagacious lady, Mrs. Delaney; but I must leave + you, and wait your own time to make these mysterious revelations. My + respects to Mr. Delaney. Good morning.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, good morning; but let me tell you, Mr. Clifford, if you don't see, + it's not because you can't. Other people can see without trying.” + </p> + <p> + The Jezabel! + </p> + <p> + My preparations were soon completed. I worked with the spirit of + enthusiasm—I had so many motives to be active; and, subordinate + among these, but still important, I should get out of the reach of this + very woman. I could not beat her myself but I wished her husband might do + it, and not to anticipate my own story, he did so in less than three + months after. He was the man too, to perform such a labor with unction and + emphasis. A vigorous man with muscles like bolt-ropes, and limbs that + would have been respectable in the days of Goliah. I met him on leaving + the steps of Mrs. Delaney's lodgings, and—thinking of the marital + office I wished him to perform—I was rejoiced to discover that he + was generously drunk—in the proper spirit for such deeds in the + flesh. + </p> + <p> + He seized my hand with quite a burst of enthusiasm, swore I was a likely + fellow, and somehow he had a liking for me. + </p> + <p> + “Though, to be sure, my dear fellow, it's not Mrs. Delaney that loves any + bone in your skin. She's a lady that, like most of the dear creatures, has + a way of her own for thinking. She does her own thinking, and what can a + woman know about such a business. It's to please her that I sit by and say + nothing; and a wife must be permitted some indulgence while the moon + lasts, which the poets tell us, is made out of honey: but it's never a + long moon in these days, and a small cloud soon puts an end to it. Wait + till that time, Mr. Clifford, and I'll put her into a way of thinking, + that'll please you and myself much better.” + </p> + <p> + I thanked him for his good opinion, and civilly wished him—as it was + a matter which seemed to promise him so much satisfaction—that the + duration of the honeymoon should be as short as possible. He thanked me + affectionately—grasped my hand with the squeeze of a blacksmith, and + entreated that I should go back and take a drink of punch with him. As an + earnest of what he could give me, he pulled a handful of lemons from his + pocket which he had bought from a shop by the way. I need not say I + expressed my gratitude, though I declined his invitation. I then told him + I was about to remove to Alabama, and he immediately proposed to go along + with me. I reminded him that he was just married, and it would be expected + of him that he would see the honeymoon out. + </p> + <p> + “Ah, faith!” he replied, “and there's sense in what you say; it must be + done, I suppose; but devil a bit, to my thinking, does any moon last a + month in this climate; and the first cloudy weather, d'ye see, and I'm + after you.” + </p> + <p> + It was difficult to escape from the generous embraces of my ardent + father-in-law; and the whole street witnessed them. + </p> + <p> + That afternoon I spent in part with the Edgertons. I went soon after my + own dinner and found the family at theirs. William Edgerton was present. + The old man insisted that I should take a seat at the table and join them + in a bottle of wine, which I did. It was a family, bearing apparently all + the elements within itself of a happiness the most perfect and profound. + Particularly an amiable family. Yet there was no insipidity. The father + has already been made known; the son should be by this time; the mother + was one of those strong-minded, simple women, whose mind may be expressed + by its most striking characteristic—independence. She had that most + obvious trait of aristocratic breeding, a quiet, indefinable, easy dignity—a + seemingly natural quality, easy itself, that puts everybody at ease, and + yet neither in itself nor in others suffered the slightest approach to be + made to unbecoming familiarity. A sensible, gentlewoman—literally + gentle—yet so calm, so firm, you would have supposed she had never + known one emotion calculated to stir the sweet, glass-like placidity of + her deportment. + </p> + <p> + And yet, amidst all this calm placidity, with an eye looking benevolence, + and a considerateness that took note of your smallest want, she sustained + the pangs of one yearning for her firstborn; dissatisfied and disappointed + in his career, and apprehensive for his fate. The family was no longer + happy. The worm was busy in all their hearts. They treated me kindly, but + it was obvious that they were suffering. A visible constraint chilled and + baffled conversation; and I could see the deepening anxieties which + clouded the face of the mother, whenever her eye wandered in the direction + of her son. This it did, in spite, I am convinced, of her endeavors to + prevent it. + </p> + <p> + I, too, could now look in the same quarter. My feelings were less bitter + than they were, and William Edgerton shared in the change. I did not the + less believe him to have done wrong, but, in the renewed conviction of my + wife's purity, I could forgive him, and almost think he was sufficiently + punished in entertaining affections which were without hope. Punished he + was, whether by hopelessness or guilt, and punished terribly. I could see + a difference for the worse in his appearance since I had last conferred + with him. He was haggard and spiritless to the last degree. He had few + words while we sat at table, and these were spoken only after great + effort; and, regarding him now with less temper than before, it seemed to + me that his parents had not exaggerated the estimate which they had formed + of his miserable appearance. He looked very much like one, who had + abandoned himself to nightly dissipation, and those excesses of mind and + body, which sap from both the saving and elevating substance. I did not + wonder that the old man ascribed his condition to the bottle and the + gaming-table. But that I knew better, such would most probably have been + my own conclusion. + </p> + <p> + The conversation was not general—confined chiefly to Mr. Edgerton + the elder and myself. Mrs. Edgerton remained awhile after the cloth had + been withdrawn, joining occasionally in what was said, and finally left + us, though with still a lingering, and a last look toward her son, which + clearly told where her heart was. William Edgerton followed her, after a + brief interval, and I saw no more of him, though I remained for more than + an hour. He had said but little. It was with some evident effort, that he + had succeeded in uttering some general observation on the subject of the + Alabama prairies—those beautiful “gardens of the desert,” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “For which the speech of England has no name.” + </pre> + <p> + My removal had been the leading topic of our discourse, and when I + declared my intention to start on the very next day, and that the present + was a farewell visit, the emotion of the son visibly increased. Soon after + he left the room. When I was alone with the father, he took occasion to + renew his offer of service, and, in such a manner, as to take from the + offer its tone of service. He seemed rather to ask a favor than to suggest + one. Money he could spare—the repayment should be at my own leisure—and + my bond would be preferable, he was pleased to say, to that of any one he + knew. I thanked him with becoming feelings, though, for the present, I + declined his assistance. I pledged myself, however, should circumstances + make it necessary for me to seek a loan, to turn, in the first instance, + to him. He had been emphatically my friend—THE friend, sole, + singular—never fluctuating in his regards, and never stopping to + calculate the exact measure of my deserts. I felt that I could not too + much forbear in reference to the son, having in view the generous + friendship of the father. + </p> + <p> + That day, and the night which followed it, was a long period with me. I + had to see many acquaintances, and attend to a thousand small matters. I + was on my feet the whole day, and even when the night came I had no rest. + I was in the city till near eleven o'clock. When I got home I found that + my wife had done her share of the tasks. She had completed her + preparations. Our luggage was all ready for removal. To her I had assigned + the labor of packing up her pictures, her materials for painting, her + clothes, and such other matters as she desired to carry with us, to our + new place of abode. The rest was to be sold by a friend after our + departure, and the proceeds remitted. I knew I should need them all. Most + of our baggage was to be sent by water. We travelled in a private + carriage, and consequently, could take little. Julia, unlike most women, + was willing to believe with me that impediments are the true name for much + luggage; and, with a most unfeminine habit, she could limit herself + without reluctance to the merest necessities. We had no bandboxes, + baskets, or extra bundles, to be stuffed here and there, filling holes and + corners, and crowding every space, which should be yielded entirely to the + limbs of the traveller. Though sensitive and delicate in a great degree, + she had yet that masculine sense which teaches that, in the fewness of our + wants lies our truest source of independence; and she could make herself + ready for taking stage or steamboat in quite as short a time as myself. + </p> + <p> + Her day's work had exhausted her. She retired, and when I went up to the + chamber, she already seemed to sleep. I could not. Fatigue, which had + produced exhaustion, had baffled sleep. Extreme weariness becomes too much + like a pain to yield readily to repose. The moment that exercise benumbs + the frame, makes the limbs ache, the difficulty increases of securing + slumber. I felt weary, but I was restless also. I felt that it would be + vain for me to go to bed. Accordingly, I placed myself beside the window, + and looked out meditatingly upon the broad lake which lay before our + dwelling. + </p> + <p> + The night was very calm and beautiful. The waters from the lake were + falling. Tide was going out, and the murmuring clack of a distant sawmill + added a strange sweetness to the hour, and mingled harmoniously with the + mysterious goings on of midnight. The starlight, not brilliant, was yet + very soft and touching. Isolated and small clouds, like dismembered + ravens' wings, flitted lightly along the edge of the western horizon, + shooting out at intervals brief, brilliant flashes of lightning. There was + a flickering breeze that played with the shrubbery beneath my window, + making a slight stir that did not break the quiet of the scene, and gave a + graceful movement to the slender stems as they waved to and fro beneath + its pressure. A noble pride of India {Footnote: China tree: the melia + azedaracha of botanists. A tree peculiar to the south, of singular beauty, + and held in high esteem as a shade-tree.} rose directly before my eyes to + the south—its branches stretching almost from within touch of the + dwelling, over the fence of a neighbor. The whole scene was fairy-like. I + should find it indescribable. It soothed my feelings. I had been the + victim of a long and painful moral conflict. At length I had a glimmering + of repose. Events, in the last few days—small events which, in + themselves denoted nothing—had yet spoken peace to my feelings. My + heart was in that dreamy state of languor, such as the body enjoys under + the gradually growing power of the anodyne, in which the breath of the + summer wind brings a language of luxury, and the most emperiest sights and + sounds in nature minister to a capacity of enjoyment, which is not the + less intoxicating and sweet because it is subdued. I mused upon my own + heart, upon the heart which I so much loved and had so much distrusted—upon + life, its strange visions, delusive hopes, and the sweet efficacy of mere + shadows in promoting one's happiness et last. Then came, by natural + degrees, the thought of that strange mysterious union of light and + darkness—life and death—the shadows that we are; the + substances that we are yet to be. The future!—still it rose before + me—but the darkness upon it alone showed me it was there. It did not + offend me, however, for my heart was glowing in a present starlight. It + was the hour of hopes rather than of fears; and in the mere prospect of + transition to the new—such is the elastic nature of youth—I + had agreed to forget every pang whether of idea or fact, which had vexed + and tortured me in the perished past. My musings were all tender yet + joyful—they partook of that “joy of grief” of which the bard of + Fingal tells us. I felt a big tear gathering in my eye, I knew not + wherefore. I felt my heart growing feeble, with the same delight which one + would feel at suddenly recovering a great treasure which had been supposed + for ever lost. I fancied that I had recovered my treasure, and I rose + quietly, went to the bed where Julia lay sleeping peacefully, and kissed + her pale but lovely cheeks. She started, but did not waken—a gentle + sigh escaped her lips, and they murmured with some indistinct syllables + which I failed to distinguish. At that moment the notes of a flute rose + softly from the grove without. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0038" id="link2HCH0038"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXVIII. — RENEWED AGONIES. + </h2> + <p> + In that same moment my pangs were all renewed; my repose of mind departed; + once more my heart was on fire, my spirit filled with vague doubts, grief, + and commotion. The soft, sweet, preluding note of the player had touched a + chord in my soul as utterly different from that which it expressed, as + could by any possibility be conceived. Heart and hope were instantly + paralyzed. Fear and its train, its haunting spectres of suspicion, took + possession of the undefended citadel, and established guard upon its + deserted outposts. I tottered to the window which I had left—I + shrouded myself in the folds of the curtain, and as the strains rose, + renewed and regular, I struggled to keep in my breath, listening eagerly, + as if the complaining instrument could actually give utterance to the + cruel mystery which I equally dreaded and desired to hear. + </p> + <p> + The air which was played was such as I had never heard before. Indeed, it + could scarcely be called an air. It was the most capricious burden of + mournfulness that had ever had its utterance from wo. Fancy a mute—one + bereft of the divine faculty of speech, by human, not divine ministration. + Fancy such a being endowed with the loftiest desires, moved by the acutest + sensibilities, having already felt the pleasures of life, yet doomed to a + denial of utterance, denied the language of complaint, and striving, + struggling through the imperfect organs of his voice to give a name to the + agony which works within him. That flute seemed to me to moan, and sob, + and shiver, with some such painful mode of expression as would be + permitted to the “half made-up” mortal of whom I have spoken. Its broken + tones, striving and struggling, almost rising at times into a shriek, + seemed of all things to complain of its own voicelessness. + </p> + <p> + And yet it had its melody—melody, to me, of the most vexing power. I + should have called the strain a soliloquizing one. It certainly did not + seem addressed to any ears. It wanted the continuance of apostrophe. It + was capricious. Sometimes the burden fell off suddenly—broken—wholly + interrupted—as if the vents had been all simultaneously and suddenly + stopped. Anon, it rose again—soul-piercing if not loud—so + abruptly, and with an utterance so utterly gone with wo, that you felt + sure the poor heart must break with the next breath that came from the + laboring and inefficient lungs. A “dying fall” succeeding, seemed to + afford temporary relief. It seemed as if tears must have fallen upon the + instrument, Its language grew more methodical, more subdued, but not less + touching. I fancied, I felt, that, entering into the soul of the musician, + I could give the very words to the sentiment which his instrument vainly + strove to speak. What else but despair and utter self-abandonment was in + that broken language? The full heart over-burdened, breaking, to find a + vent for the feelings which it had no longer power to contain. And yet; + content to break, breaking with a melancholy sort of triumph which seemed + to say— + </p> + <p> + “Such a death has its own sweetness; love sanctifies the pang to its + victim. It is a sort of martyrdom. He who loves truly, though he loves + hopelessly, has not utterly loved in vain. The devoted heart finds a joy + in the offering, though the Deity withholds his acceptance—though a + sudden gust from heaven scatters abroad the rich fruits which the devotee + has placed upon the despised and dishonored altar.” + </p> + <p> + Such, I fancied, was the proud language of that melancholy music. Had I + been other than I was—nay, had I listened to the burden under other + circumstances and in another place—I should most probably have felt + nothing but sympathy for the musician. As it was, I can not describe my + feelings. All my racking doubts and miseries returned. The tone of triumph + which the strain conveyed wrought upon me like an indignity. It seemed to + denote that “foregone conclusion” which had been my cause of apprehension + so long. Could it be then that Julia was really guilty? Could she have + given William Edgerton so much encouragement that triumph and exultation + should still mingle with his farewell accents of despair? Ah! what + fantasies preyed upon my soul; haunted the smallest movements of my mind; + conjured up its spectres, and gave bitterness to its every beverage! When + I thought thus of Julia, I rose cautiously from my seat, approached the + bed where she was lying, and gazed steadily, though with the wildest + thrill of emotion, into her face. I verily believe had she not been + sleeping at that moment—sleeping beyond question—she would + have shared the fate of + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “The gentle lady wedded to the Moor.” + </pre> + <p> + I was in the mood for desperate things. + </p> + <p> + But she slept—her cheek upon her arm—pale, but oh! how + beautiful! and looking, oh! how pure! Her breathing was as tranquil and + regular as that of an infant. I felt, while I gazed, that hers must be the + purity of an infant also. I turned from beholding her, as the renewed + notes of the musician once more ascended to the chamber. I again took my + seat at the window and concealed myself behind the curtain. Here I had + been concealed but a few moments, when I heard a rustling in the branches + of the tree. Meanwhile, the music again ceased. I peered cautiously from + behind the drapery, and fancied I beheld a dark object in the tree. It + might be one of its branches, but I had not been struck by it before. I + waited in breathless watchfulness. I saw it move. Its shape was that of a + man. An exulting feeling of violence filled my breast. I rose stealthily, + went into the dressing-room, and took up one of my pistols which lay on + the toilet, and which I had that afternoon prepared with a travelling + charge. + </p> + <p> + “A brace of bullets,” I muttered to myself, “will bring out another sort + of music from this rare bird.” + </p> + <p> + With this murderous purpose I concealed myself once more behind the + curtain. The figure was sufficiently distinct for aim. The window was not + more than twelve or fourteen paces from the tree. My nerves were now as + steady as if I had been about to perform the most ordinary action. What + then prevented me? What stayed my arm? A single thought—a momentary + recollection of an event which had taken place in my boyhood. What a + providence that it should have occurred to me at that particular moment. + The circumstance was this. + </p> + <p> + When first sent to school I had been frequently taken at advantage by a + bigger boy. He had twice my strength—he took a strong dislike for me—perhaps, + because I was unwilling to pay him that deference, which, as school-bully, + he extorted from all others;—and he drubbed me accordingly, whenever + an opportunity occurred. My resistance was vain, and only stimulated him + to increased brutality. One day he was lying upon the grass, beneath an + oak which stood in the centre of a common on which we usually played. It + happened that I drew near him unperceived. In approaching him I had no + purpose of assault or violence. But the circumstance of my nearing him + without being seen, suggested to my mind a sudden thought of revenging all + my previous injuries. I felt bitterness and hate enough, had I possessed + the strength, to have slain a dozen. I do not know that I had any design + to slay him—to revenge myself was certainly my wish. Of death + probably I had no idea. I looked about me for the agent of my vengeance. A + pile of old brick which had formed the foundations of a dwelling which had + stood on the spot, and which had been burned, conveniently presented + itself to my eye. I possessed myself of as large a fragment as my little + hand could grasp; I secured a second as a dernier resort. Slowly and slily—I + may add, basely—I approached him from behind, levelled the brick at + his head, and saw the blood fly an instant after the contact. He was + stunned by the blow, staggered up, however, with his eyes blinded by + blood, and moved after me like a drunken man. I receded slowly, lifting + the remaining fragment which I held, intending, if he approached me, to + repeat the blow. + </p> + <p> + On a sudden he fell forward sprawling. Then I thought him dead, and for + the first time the dreadful consciousness of my crime in its true + character, came to my mind. I can not describe the agony of fear and + horror which filled my soul. He did not die, but he was severely hurt. + </p> + <p> + The recollection of that event—of what I then suffered—came to + me involuntarily, as I was about to perform a second similar crime. I + shuddered with the recollection of the past, and shrunk, under the equal + force of shame and conscience, from the performance of a deed which, + otherwise, I should probably have committed in the brief time which I + employed for reflection. With a feeling of nervous horror I put the weapon + aside, and sinking once more into the chair beside the window I bore with + what fortitude I might, the renewal of the accursed but touching strains + that vexed me. + </p> + <p> + William Edgerton was a master of the flute. Often before, when we were the + best friends, had I listened with delight, while he compelled it into + discourse of music wild and somewhat incoherent still: his present + performance had now attained more continuousness and character. It was + still mournful, but its sorrows rose and fell naturally, in compliance + with the laws of art. I listened till I could listen no longer. Human + patience must have its limits. My wife still slept. I descended the + stairs, opened the door with as much cautiousness as possible, and + prepared to grapple the musician and haul him into the light. + </p> + <p> + It might be Edgerton or not. I was morally sure it was. By grappling with + him, in such a situation, I should bring the affair to a final issue, + though it might not be a murderous one. But of that I did not think; I + went forward to do something; what that something was to be, it was left + for time and chance to determine. But, suddenly, as I opened the door, the + music ceased. Stepping into the yard, I heard the sound as of a falling + body. I naturally concluded that he had heard the opening of the door, and + had suffered himself to drop down to the ground. I took for granted that + he had descended on the opposite side of the yard and within the enclosure + of a neighbor. I leaped the fence, hurried to the tree, traversed the + grounds, and found nobody. I returned, reached my own premises, and found + the gate open which opened upon the street. He had gone then in that + direction. I turned into this street, posted with all speed to the corner + of the square and met only the watchman. I asked, but he had seen nobody. + The street was perfectly quiet, I returned, reascended to my chamber, + found Julia now awake, and evidently much agitated. She had arisen in my + absence, and was only about to re-enter the bed when I rushed up stairs. + </p> + <p> + What was I to think? What fear? I was too conscious of the suspicious + nature of my thoughts and fears to suffer myself to ask any questions—and + she, unhappily for both of us—she said nothing. Had she but spoken—had + she but uttered the natural inquiry—“Did you hear that strange + music, husband?”—how much easier had been her extrication. But she + was silent, and I was again let loose upon a wide sea of fears and doubts + and damnable apprehensions. Once more, and now with a feeling which would + not have made me forbear the use of any weapon, however deadly, I + re-examined my own enclosure, but in vain. The horrible thought which + possessed me was that he had even penetrated the dwelling while I was + seeking him in the street; that they had met; and how was I to know the + degree of tenderness which had marked their meeting and sweetness to their + adieus! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0039" id="link2HCH0039"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIX. — THE NEW HOME. + </h2> + <p> + With these revived suspicions, half stifled, but still struggling in my + bosom, did I commence my journey for the West. My arrangements were + comprehensive, but simple. I had procured a second-hand travelling + carriage and fine pair of horses from an acquaintance, at a very moderate + price—a price which, I well knew, I should easily get for them again + on reaching my place of destination. I was my own driver. I had no money + to spare in purchasing what might be dispensed with. A single trunk + contained all the necessary luggage of my wife and self. What was not + absolutely needed by the wayside was sent on by water. This included my + books, desks, Julia's painting materials, and such other articles of the + household, as were of cost and not bulky. I had previously written—as + I may have stated already—to my friend Kingsley. He was to procure + me temporary lodgings in the town of M—-. I left much to his + judgment and experience. He had once before been in Alabama and having + interests there, had made himself familiar with everything in that region, + necessary to be known. I put myself very much in his hands. I was too + anxious to get away to urge any difficulties or make any troublesome + requisitions. He was simply to procure me an abiding-place in some private + family—if possible in the suburbs—until I should be able to + look about me. Economy was insisted upon. I had precious little money to + spare, and even the spoils of my one night's visit to the gaming-house, + were of no small help in sustaining me in my determination to remove. I + had not applied them previously. I confess to a feeling of shame when I + was compelled by necessity at last to use them. I had saved something + already from my professional income, and I procured an advance on my + furniture which was left for sale. I had calculated my expenses in + removing and for one year's residence in M—, and was prepared, so + far as poor human foresight may prepare itself, to keep want from our + doors at least for that period. I trusted to good fortune, my own + resources, and the notorious fact that, at that day, there were few able + lawyers in M—, to secure me an early and valuable practice. I + carried with me letters from the best men in the community I had left. But + I carried with me what was of more value than any letters, even though + they be written in gold. I carried with me methodical habits and an energy + of character which would maintain my resolution, and bear me through, to a + safe conclusion, in any plan which I should contemplate. Industry and + perseverance are the giants that cast down forests, drain swamps, level + mountains, and create empires. I flattered myself that with these I had + other and crowning qualities of intellect and culture. Perhaps it may be + admitted that I had. But of what avail were all when coupled with the + blind heart? Enough—I must not anticipate. + </p> + <p> + Filled with the exciting fancies engendered by the affair of the last + night, I commenced my journey. The day was a fine one; the sun cheery and + bright without being oppressive; and soon, gliding through the broad + avenues, lined with noblest trees, which conducted us from the city to the + forests, we had the pleasant carol of birds, and the lively chirp of + hopping insects. + </p> + <p> + I was always a lover of the woods; green shady dells, and winding walks + amidst crowding foliage. I cared little for mere flowers. A garden was + never a desire in my mind. I could be pleased to see and to smell, but I + had no passion for its objects. But the trees—the big, venerable + oaks, like patriarchs and priests; the lofty and swaggering pines in their + green helmets, like warriors of the feudal ages—these were forms + that I could worship. I may say, I loved trees with a real passion. + Flowers, and the taste for flowers seemed to me always petty; but my + instincts led me to behold a sneaking and most impressive grandeur, in + these old lords of the forest, that had been the first, rising from the + mighty mother to attest the wondrous strength of her resources, and the + teeming glories of her womb. + </p> + <p> + Now, however, they did not fill my soul with earnest reachings, as had + ever been the case before. They soothed me somewhat, but the eyes of my + mind were turned within. They looked only at the prostration of that + miserable heart which was torturing itself with vague, wild doubts—guessing + and conjecturing with an agonizing pain, and without the least hope of + profit. I could not drive from my thoughts, the vexing circumstances of + the last night in the city; and, for the first day of our journey, the + hours moved with oppressive slowness. Objects which I had formerly loved + to contemplate and always found sweet and refreshing, now gave me little + pleasure and exacted little of my attention; and I reached our + stopping-place for the night with a sense of weariness and stupor which no + mere fatigue of body, I well knew, could ever have occasioned. + </p> + <p> + But this could not last. The elasticity of my nature, joined with the + absence of that one person whom I had now learned to regard as my evil + genius, soon enabled me to shake off the oppressive doubts and sadness + which fettered and enfeebled me. Once more I began to behold the forests + with all the eyes of former delight and affection, and I was conscious, + after the progress of a day or two, of periods in which I entirely lost + sight of William Edgerton and all my suspicions in the sweet warmth of a + fresh and pleasing contemplation. + </p> + <p> + Something of this—nay, perhaps, the most of it, was due to my wife + herself. There was a change in her air and manner which sensibly affected + my heart. I had treated her coldly at first, but she had not perceived it; + at least she had not suffered it to influence her conduct; and I was + equally pleased and surprised to behold in her language, looks, and + deportment, a degree of life and buoyant animation, which reminded me of + the very champagne exuberance and spirit of her youth. Her eyes flashed + with a sense of freedom. Her voice sounded with the silvery clearness of + one, who, long pent up in the limits of a dungeon, uses the first moment + of escape into the forests to delight himself with song. She seemed to + have just thrown off a miserable burden;—and, as for any grief—any + sign of regret at leaving home and tics from which she would not willingly + part—there was not the slightest appearance of any such feeling in + her mind, look, or manner. Kindly, considerately, and sweetly, and with a + cheery smile in her eyes, and a springing vigor in the accents of her + voice, she strove to enliven the way and to expel the gloom which she soon + perceived had fastened itself upon my soul. Her own cares, if she had any, + seemed to be very slight, and were utterly lost in mine. She spoke of our + new abiding-place with a hearty confidence; that it would be at once a + home of prosperity and peace; and, altogether convinced me for the time + that the sacrifice must be comparatively very small, which she had made on + leaving her birth-place. I very soon wondered that I should have fancied + that William Edgerton was ever more to her than the friend of her husband. + </p> + <p> + Our journey was slow but not tedious. Had our progress been only half so + rapid, I should have been satisfied. It was love alone that my heart + wanted. I craved for nothing but the just requital of my own passion. I + had no complaint, no affliction, when I could persuade myself that I had + not thrown away my affections upon the ungrateful and undeserving. Assured + now of the love of the beloved one, all the intense devotion of my soul + was re-awakened; and the deepest shadows of the forest, gloomy and + desolate as they were, along the waste tracts of Georgia and Alabama—in + that earlier day—enlivened by the satisfied spirit within, seemed no + more than so many places of retreat, where security and peace, combining + in behalf of Love, had given him an exclusive sovereignty. + </p> + <p> + The rude countryman encountered us, and his face beamed with cheerfulness + and good humor. The song of the black softened the toils of labor, in the + unfinished clearings; and even the wild red man, shooting suddenly from + out the sylvan covert, wore in his visage of habitual gravity, an air of + resignation which took all harshness from his uncouth features. + </p> + <p> + Such, under the tuition of well-satisfied hearts, was our mutual + experience of the long journey which we had taken when we reached the end + of it. This we did in perfect safety. We found our friend, Kingsley, + prepared for and awaiting us. He had procured us pleasant apartments in a + neat cottage in the suburbs, where we were almost to ourselves. Our + landlady was an ancient widow, without a family. She occupied but a single + apartment in her house, and left the use of the rest to her lodgers. This + was an arrangement with which I was particularly gratified. Her cottage + lay half way up on the side of a hill which was crowned with thick clumps + of the noblest trees. Long, winding, narrow foot-paths, carried us + picturesquely to the summit, where we had a bird's-eye view of the town + below, the river beyond—now darting out from the woods and now + hiding securely beneath their umbrage—and fair, smooth, lawn-looking + fields, which glowed at the proper season with the myriad green and white + pinnies of corn and cotton. At the foot of the cottage lay a delightful + shrubbery, which almost covered it up from sight. It was altogether such a + retreat as a hermit would desire. It reminded me somewhat of the lovely + spot which we had left. A pleasant walk of a mile lay between it and the + town where I proposed to practice, and this furnished a necessity for a + certain degree of exercise, which, being unavoidable, was of the most + valuable kind. Altogether, Kingsley had executed his commission with a + taste and diligence which left me nothing to complain of. + </p> + <p> + He was delighted at my coming. + </p> + <p> + “You are nearer to me now,” he said; “will be nearer at least when I get + to Texas; and I do not despair to see you making tracks after me when I go + there.” + </p> + <p> + “But when go you?” + </p> + <p> + “Not soon. I am in some trouble here. I am pleading and being impleaded. + You are just come in season to take up the cudgels for me. My landrights + are disputed—my titles. You will have something of a lawsuit to + begin upon at your earliest leisure.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! but what's the business?” + </p> + <p> + He gave me a statement of his affairs, placed his papers in my hands, and + I found myself, on inspecting them, engaged in a controversy which was + likely to give me the opportunity which I desired, of appearing soon in + cases of equal intricacy and interest. Kingsley had some ten thousand + dollars in land, the greater part of which was involved in questions of + title and pre-emption, presenting some complex features, and likely to + occasion bad blood among certain trespassers whom it became our first duty + to oust if possible. I was associated with a spirited young lawyer of the + place; a youth of great natural talent, keen, quick intellect, much + readiness of resource, yet little experience and less reading. Like the + great mass of our western men, however, he was a man to improve. He had no + self-conceit—did not delude himself with the idea that he knew as + much as his neighbor; and, consequently, was pretty certain to increase in + wisdom with increase of years. He had few prejudices to get over, and + though he knew his strength, he also knew his weakness. He felt the + instinct of natural talent, but he did not deceive himself on the subject + of his deficient knowledge. He was willing to learn whenever he could find + a teacher. His name was Wharton. I took to him at once. He was an ardent, + manly fellow—frank as a boy—could laugh and weep in the same + hour, and yet was as firm in his principles, as if he could neither laugh + nor weep. As an acquaintance he was an acquisition. + </p> + <p> + Kingsley was delighted to see me, though somewhat wondering that I should + give up the practice at home, where I was doing so well, to break ground + in a region where I was utterly unknown. He gave me little trouble, + however, in accounting to him for this movement. It was not difficult to + persuade him—nay, he soon persuaded himself—that something of + my present course was due to his own counsel and suggestion. To a man, + like himself, to whom mere transition was pleasure, it needed no argument + to show that my resolve was right. + </p> + <p> + “Who the d—l,” he exclaimed, “would like always to be in the same + place? Such a person is a mere cipher. We establish an intellectual + superiority when we show ourselves superior to place. A genuine man is + always a citizen of the world. It is your vegetable man that can not go + far without grumbling, finding fault with all he sees, talking of comforts + and such small matters, and longing to get home again. Such a man puts me + in mind of every member of the cow family that I ever knew. He is never at + peace with himself or the world, but always groaning and thrusting out his + horns, until he can get back to his old range, and revel in his native + marsh, joint-grass, and cane-tops. Englishmen are very much of this breed. + They go abroad, grumble as they go, and if they can not carry their + cane-tops with them, afflict the whole world with their lamentations. I + take it for granted, Clifford, that this step to Alabama, is simply a step + toward Texas. Your next will be to New Orleans, and then, presto, we shall + see you on the Sabine.” + </p> + <p> + “I hope not,” said my wife. “You have got us into such comfortable + quarters here, Mr. Kingsley, that I hope you will do nothing to tempt my + husband farther. Go farther and fare worse, you know. Let well enough + alone.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh. I beseech you!—two proverbs at a time will be fatal to one or + other of us. Perhaps both. But he can not fare worse by going to Texas.” + </p> + <p> + “He will do well enough here.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps.” + </p> + <p> + “Recover your lands, for example, as a beginning.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! now you would bribe me. That is certainly a suggestion to make me + keep my tongue, at least until the verdict is rendered. 'Till then, you + know, I shall make no permanent remove myself.” + </p> + <p> + “But do you mean to go before the trial?” I asked. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, for a couple of months or so. I should only get into some squabble + with my opponents by remaining here; and I may be preparing for all of us + by going in season. I will look out for a township, Mrs. Clifford, on the + edge of some beautiful prairie, and near some beautiful river. Your + husband has a passion for water prospects, I can tell you, and would + become a misanthrope without them. I am doubtful if he will be happy, + indeed, if not within telescope distance from the sea itself. I don't + think that a river will altogether satisfy him.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh yes, THIS must;” and as she spoke she pointed to the fair glassy + surface of the Alabama, as it stretched away, at intervals, in broad + glimpses before our eyes. + </p> + <p> + “Well, we shall see; but I will make my preparations, nevertheless, + precisely as if he were not likely to be content. I have formed to myself + a plan for all of you. I must make a dear little colony of our own in + Texas. We shall have a nest of the sweetest little cottages, each with its + neat little garden. In the centre we shall have a neat little playground + for our neat little children; on the hill a neat little church; in the + grove a neat little library; on the river a neat little barge; and over + this neat little empire, you, Lady Clifford, shall be the neat little + empress.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear me! what a neat little establishment!” + </p> + <p> + “It shall be all that, I assure you; and it shall have other advantages. + You shall have a kingdom free from taxes and wars. There shall be no + law-givers but yourself. We shall have no elections except when we elect + our wives, and the women shall be the only voters then. We shall have no + custom houses—everything shall be free of duty;—we shall have + no banks—everything shall be free of charge;—we shall have no + parson, for shall we not be sinless?” + </p> + <p> + “But what will you do with the neat little church?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! that we shall keep merely to remind us of what is necessary in less + fortunate communities.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good; but how, if you have no parsons, will you perform the marriage + ceremony?” + </p> + <p> + “That shall be a natural operation of government. The voters having given + their suffrages, you shall determine and declare with whom the majority + lies, and give a certificate to that effect. The first choice will lie + with the damsel having the highest number of votes; the second with the + next; and so on to the end of the chapter; and then elections are to take + place annually among the unmarried—the ladies being the privileged + class as I said before. You will keep a record of these events, the names + of parties, and so forth; and this record shall be proof, conclusive to + conviction, against any party falling off from his or her duties.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite a system. I do not deny that our sex will have some new privileges + by this arrangement.” + </p> + <p> + “Unquestionably. But you have not heard all. We shall have no doctors, for + we shall have no diseases in the beautiful world to which I shall carry + you. We shall have no lawyers, for we shall have no wrangling.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed; but what is my husband to do then?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, he is your husband. What should he do? He takes rank from you. You + are queen, you know. He will have no need of law.” + </p> + <p> + “There's reason in that; but how will you prevent wrangling where there + are men and women?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, by giving the women their own way. The government is a despotism—you + are queen—surely you will make no further objection to so admirable + a system?” + </p> + <p> + In good-humored chat like this, in which our landlady, Mrs. Porterfield—a + lady who, though fully sixty-five years of age, was yet of a cheery and + chatty disposition—took considerable part, our first evening passed + away. Though fatigued, we sat up until a tolerably late hour, enlivened by + the frank spirit of our friend, Kingsley, and inspired by the natural + feeling of curiosity which our change of situation inspired It was + midnight before we solicited the aid of sleep. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0040" id="link2HCH0040"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XL. — THE BLACK DOG ONCE MORE UPON THE SCENE. + </h2> + <p> + The next day was devoted to an examination of our premises and the + neighborhood. The result of this examination was such as to render us + better satisfied with the change that we had made. We were still young + enough to be sensible to the loveliness of novelty. Everything wore that + purple light which the eye of youth confers upon the object. And then + there was repose. That harassing strife of the “blind heart” was at rest. + I had no more suspicions; and my wife looked and spoke as if she had never + had either doubts of me, or fears of herself, within her bosom. I was + happiness itself, when, by the unreserved ease and gayety of her + deportment she persuaded me that she suffered no regrets. I little fancied + how much the change in my wife's manner had arisen from the involuntary + change which had been going on in mine. I now looked the love which I + felt; and she felt, in the improvement of my looks, the renewal of that + fond passion which I had never ceased to feel, but which I had only too + much ceased to show while suffering from the “blind heart.” She resumed + her old amusements with new industry. Our little parlor received constant + accessions of new pictures. All our leisure was employed in exploring the + scenery of the neighborhood; and not a bit of forest, or patch of hill, or + streak of rivulet or stream, to which the genius of art could lend + loveliness, but she picked up, in these happy rambles, and worked into + fitting places upon our cottage walls. + </p> + <p> + Our good old hostess became attached to us. She virtually surrendered the + management of the household to my wife. She was old and quite infirm; and + was frequently confined for days to her chamber; which must have been a + solitary place enough before our coming. My wife became a companion to her + in these periods of painful seclusion, and thus provided her with a luxury + which had been long denied her. Under these circumstances we had very much + our own way. The old lady had few associates, and these were generally + very worthy people. They soon became our associates also, and under the + influence of better feelings than had governed me for a long time past, I + now found myself in a condition of comfort, cheerfulness, and peace, which + I fancied I had forfeited for ever. + </p> + <p> + Two weeks after our arrival, Kingsley took his departure for Texas, on a + visit. He proposed to be absent two months. His object, as he had + described it before, in some pleasant exaggerations, was to select some + favorable spots for purchase, which should combine as nearly as possible + the three prime requisites of salubrity, fertility, and beauty. His object + was to speculate; “and this was to be done,” he said, “at an early hour of + the day.” “The Spanish proverb,” he was wont to say, “which regulates the + eating of oranges, is not a bad rule to govern a man in making his + speculations. Speculations (oranges) are gold at morning, silver at noon, + and lead at night. It is your wise man,” he added, “who buys and sells + early; your merely sensible man who does so at midday; while your dunce, + waiting for an increased appetite at evening, swallows nothing but lead.” + </p> + <p> + I was in some respects a very fortunate man. If I had been a wise one! It + has been seen that I was singularly successful in business at my first + beginning in my native city. I had not been long in the town of M—, + before I began to congratulate myself on the prospect of like fortune + attending me there. The affairs of Kingsley brought me into contact with + several men of business. My letters of introduction made me acquainted + with many more; not simply of the town, but of the neighboring country. My + ardency of temper was particularly suited to a frank, confiding people, + such as are most of the southwestern men; and one or two accidental + circumstances yielded me professional occupation long before I expected to + find it. I had occasion to appear in court at an early day, and succeeded + in making a favorable impression upon my hearers. To be a good speaker, in + the south and southwest, is to be everything. Eloquence implies wisdom—at + least all the wisdom which is supposed to be necessary in making lawyers + and law-makers—a precious small modicum of a material by no means + precious. I was supposed to have the gift of the gab in moderate + perfection, and my hearers were indulgent. My name obtained circulation, + and, in a short time, I discovered that, in a professional as well as + personal point of view, I had no reason to regret the change of residence + which I had made. Business began to flow in upon me. Applications reached + me from adjoining counties, and though my fees, like the cases which I was + employed in, were of moderate amount, they promised to be frequent, while + my clients generally were very substantial persons. + </p> + <p> + It will not need that I should dwell farther on these topics. It will be + sufficient to show that, in worldly respects, I was as likely to prosper + in my new as in my past abode. In social respects I had still more reason + to be gratified. The days went by with me as smoothly as with Thalaba. My + wife was all that I could wish. She was the very Julia whom I had married. + Nay, she was something more—something better. Her health improved, + and with it her spirits. She evidently had no regrets. A sigh never + escaped her. Her content and cheerfulness were wonderful. She had none of + that vague, vain yearning which the feeble feel, called “home-sickness.” + She convinced me that I was her home—the only home that she desired. + It was evident that she thought less of our ancient city than I did + myself. I am sure that if either of us, at any moment, felt a desire to + look upon it again, the person was myself. I maintained a correspondence + with the place—received the newspapers, groped over them with + persevering industry—nay—missed not the advertisements, and + was disappointed and a discontent on those days when the mail failed. My + wife had no such appetite. She sometimes read the papers, but she appeared + to have no curiosity; and, with the exception of an occasional letter + which she received from her mother, she had no intercourse whatever with + her former home. + </p> + <p> + All this was calculated to satisfy me. But this was not all. If + gentleness, sweetness, cheerfulness, and a sleepless consideration of + one's wants and feelings, could convince any mortal of the love of another—I + must have been satisfied. We resumed most of the habits which began with + our marriage, but which had been so long discontinued. We rose with the + sun, and went abroad after his example. Like him we rose to the hill-tops, + and then descended into the valleys. We grew familiar with the deepest + shades of wood and forest while the dewdrops were yet beading the bosoms + of the wild flowers; and we followed the meandering course of the Alabama, + long before the smoking steamer vexed it with her flashing paddles. My + professional toils from breakfast to dinner-time—for this interval I + studiously gave to my office, even if I had little to do there—occasioned + the only interregnum which I knew in the positive pleasures which I + enjoyed. In the afternoon our enjoyments were renewed. Our cottage was so + sweetly secluded, that we did not need to go far in order to find the + Elysian grove which we desired. At the top of our hill we were surrounded + by a natural temple of proud pines—guarding the spot from any but + that sort of devine and religious light which streams through the painted + windows of the ancient cathedral. The gay glances of the sun came gliding + through the foliage in drops, and lay upon the grass in little pale, + fanciful gleams, most like eyes of fairies peeping upward from its velvety + tufts. Here we read together from the poets—sometimes Julia sung, + even while sketching. Not unfrequently, Mrs. Porterfield came with us, + and, at such times, our business was to detect distant glimpses of barge, + or steamboat, as they successively darted into sight, along such of the + glittering patches of the Alabama as were revealed to us in its downward + progress through the woods. + </p> + <p> + Our evenings were such as hallow and make the luxury of cottage life—evenings + yielded up to cheerfulness, to content and harmony. Between music, and + poetry, and painting, my heart was subdued to the sweetest refinements of + love. Without the immorality, we had the very atmosphere of a Sybarite + indulgence. I was enfeebled by the excess of sweets; and the happiness + which I felt expressed itself in signs. These denoted my presentiments. My + apprehensions were my sole cause of doubt and sorrow. How could such + enjoyments last? Was it possible, with any, that they should last? Was it + possible that they should last with me? I should have been mad to think + it. + </p> + <p> + But, in the sweet delirium which their possession inspired, I almost + forgot the past. The soul of man is the most elastic thing in nature. + Those harassing tortures of the heart which I had been suffering for + months—those weary days of exhausting doubt—those long nights + of torturing suspicion—the shame and the fear, the sting of + jealousy, and the suffering—I had almost forgotten in the absorbing + pleasures of my new existence. If I remembered them it was only to smile; + if I thought of William Edgerton it was only to pity;—and, as for + Julia, deep was the crimson shadow upon my cheek, whenever the reproachful + memory reminded me of the tortures which I had inflicted upon her gentle + heart while laboring under the tortures of my own—when I thought of + the unmanly espionage which I had maintained over conduct which I now felt + to be irreproachable. + </p> + <p> + But, just at the moment when I thus thought and felt—when I no + longer suffered and no longer inflicted pain—when my wife was not + only virtue in my sight, but love, and beauty, and grace, and meekness—all + that was good and all that was dear besides;—when my sky was without + a cloud, and the evening star shone through the blue sky upon the green + tops of our cottage trees, with the serene lustre of a May-divinity—just + then a thunderbolt fell upon my dwelling, and blackened the scene for + ever. + </p> + <p> + I had now been three months a resident in M——, and never had I + been more happy—never less apprehensive on the score of my happiness—when + I received a letter from my venerable friend and patron, the father of + William Edgerton. + </p> + <p> + “My son,” he wrote, “is no better than when you left us. We have every + reason to believe him worse. He has a cough, he is very thin, and there is + a flushed spot upon his cheek which seems to his mother and myself the + indubitable sign of vital decay. His frame is very feeble, and our + physician advises travel. Under this counsel he set off with a favorite + servant on Wednesday of last week. He will make easy stages through + Tennessee to the Ohio, will descend into Mississippi, and return home by + way of Alabama. He contemplates paying you a brief visit. I need not say, + dear Clifford, how grateful I shall be for any kindness which you can show + to my poor boy. His mother particularly invokes it. I should not have + deemed it necessary to say so much, but would have preferred leaving it to + William to make his own communication, were it not that she so + particularly desires it. It may be well to add, that on one subject we are + both very much relieved. We now have reason to believe that our + apprehensions on the score of his morals were without foundation. It is + our present belief that he neither gamed nor drank. This is a consolation, + dear Clifford, though it brings us no nigher to our wish. It is something + to believe that the object of our love is not worthless; though it adds to + the pang that we should feel in the event of losing him. Our parting would + be less easy. For my own part, I have little hope that his journey will do + him any material benefit. It may prolong his days, but can not, I fear, + have any more decided influence upon his disease. His mother, however, is + more sanguine, and it is perhaps well that she should be so. I know that + when William reaches your neighborhood, you will make it as cheerful and + pleasant to him as possible. The talent of your young and sweet wife—her + endowments in painting and music—have always been a great solace to + him. His tastes you know are very much like hers. I trust she will + exercise them, and be happy in ministering to the comfort of one, who will + not, I fear, trespass very long upon any earthly ministry. My dear + Clifford, I know that you will do your utmost in behalf of your earliest + friend, and I will waste no more words in unnecessary solicitation.” + </p> + <p> + Such was the important portion of the letter. In an instant, as I read it, + I saw, with the instinct of jealousy, the annihilation of all my hopes of + happiness. All my dreams were in the dust—all my fancies scattered—my + schemes and temples overthrown. Bitter was the pang I felt on reading this + letter. It said more—much more—in the very language of + solicitation which the good old father professed to believe unnecessary. + He poured forth the language of a father's grief and entreaty. I felt for + the venerable man—the true friend—in spite of my own miserable + apprehensions. I felt for him, but what could I do? What would he have me + do? I had no house in which to receive his son. He would lodge, perhaps, + for a time, in the community. It could not be supposed that he would + remain long. The letter of the father spoke only of a brief visit. Our + neighborhood had no repute, as a place of resort, for consumptive + patients. I consoled myself with the reflection that William Edgerton + could, on no pretence, linger more than a week or two among us. I will + treat him kindly—give him the freedom of the house while he remains. + A dying man, if so he be, must have reached a due sense of his situation, + and will not be likely to trespass upon the rights of another. His + passions must be subdued by this time. Ah! but will not his condition be + more likely to inspire sympathy? + </p> + <p> + The fiend of the blind heart prompted that last suggestion. It was the + only one that I remembered. When I returned home that day to dinner, I + mentioned, as if casually, the letter I had received, and the contents. My + eye narrowly watched that of my wife while I spoke. Hers sunk beneath my + glance Her cheeks were suddenly flushed—then, as suddenly, grew + pale, and I observed, that, though she appeared to eat, but few morsels of + food were carried into her mouth that day. She soon left the table, and, + pleading headache declined joining me in our usual evening rambles. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0041" id="link2HCH0041"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLI. — TRIAL—THE WOMAN GROWS STRONG. + </h2> + <p> + Thus, then, I was once more at sea, rudderless—not yet companionless—perhaps, + soon to be so. My relapse was as sudden as my thought. It seemed as if + every past misery of doubt and suspicion were at once revived within me. + All my day-dreams vanished in an instant. William Edgerton would again + behold—would again seek—my wife. They must meet; I owed that + to the father; and, whatever the condition of the son might be, it was + evident that his feelings toward her must be the same as ever; else, why + should he seek her out?—why pursue our footsteps and haunt my peace? + I must receive him and treat him kindly for the father's sake; but that + one bitter thought, that he was pursuing us, the deadly enemy to my peace—and + now, evidently, a wilful one—gave venom to the bitter feeling with + which I had so long regarded his attentions. + </p> + <p> + It was evident, too, whatever may have been its occasion, that the + knowledge of his coming awakened strange emotions in the bosom of my wife. + That blush—that sudden paleness of the cheek—what was their + language? I fain would have struggled against the conviction, that it + denoted a guilty consciousness of the past—a guilty feeling of the + future. But the mocking demon of the blind heart forced the assurance upon + me. What was to be done? Ah! what? This was the question, and there was no + variation in the reply which my jealous spirit made. There was but one + refuge. I must pursue the same insidious policy as before. I must resort + to the same subterfuge, meet them with the same smiles, disguise once more + the true features of my soul; seem to shut my eyes, and afford them the + same opportunities as before, in the torturing hope (fear?) that I should + finally detect them in some guilty folly which would be sufficient to + justify the final punishment. I must put on the aspect of indifference, + the better to pursue the vocation of the spy. + </p> + <p> + Base necessity, but still, as I then fancied, a necessity not the less. Ah + I was I not a thing to be pitied? Was ever any case more pitiable than + mine? I ask not this question with any hope that an answer may be found to + justify my conduct. It is not the less pitiable—nay, it is more—that + no such answer can be found. My folly is not the less a thing of pity, + because it is also a thing of scorn. That was the pity—and yet, I + was most severely tried. Deep were my sufferings! Strong was that demon + within me—I care not how engendered, whether by the fault and folly + of others, or by my own—still it was strong. If I was guilty—base, + blind—was I not also suffering? Never did I inflict on the bosom of + Julia Clifford, so deep a pang as I daily—nay, hourly, inflicted + upon my own. She was a victim, true—but was I less so! But she was + innocently a victim, therefore, less a sufferer, whatever her sufferings, + than me! Let none condemn or curse me, till they have asked what curse I + have already undergone. I live!—they will say. Ah! me! They must ask + what is the value of life, not to themselves, but to a crushed, a blasted + heart, like mine! But I hurry forward with my pangs rather than my story. + </p> + <p> + Instantly, a barrier seemed to rise up between Julia Clifford ind myself. + She had her consciousness, evidently, no less than I. What was THAT + consciousness? Ah! could I have guessed THAT, there would have been no + barrier—all might have been peace again. But a destiny was at work + which forbade it all; and we strove ignorantly with one another and + against ourselves. There was a barrier between us, which our mutual + blindness of heart made daily thicker, and higher, and less liable to + overthrow. A coldness overspread my manner. I made it a sort of shelter. + The guise of indifference is one of the most convenient for hiding other + and darker feelings. Already we ceased to ramble by river and through + wood. Already the pencil was discarded. We could no longer enjoy the + things which so lately made us happy, because we no longer entertained the + same confidence in one another. Without this confidence there is no + communion sweet. And all this had been the work of that letter. The name + of William Edgarton had done it all—his name and threatened visit! + </p> + <p> + But—and I read, the letter again and again—it would be some + time before he might be expected. The route, as laid down for him by his + father, was a protracted one. “Through Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, + then homeward, by way of Alabama.” “He can not be here in less than six + weeks. He must travel slowly. He must make frequent rests.” + </p> + <p> + And there was a further thought—a hope—which, though it filled + my mind, I did not venture to express in words. “He may perish on his + route: if he be so feeble, it is by no means improbable!” + </p> + <p> + At all events, I had six weeks' respite—perhaps more. Such was my + small consolation then. But even this was false. In less than a week from + that time, William Edgerton stood at the door of our cottage! + </p> + <p> + Instead of going into Tennessee, he had shot straight forward, through + Georgia, into Alabama. + </p> + <p> + Though surprised, I was not confounded by his presence. Under the policy + which I had resolved upon, I received him with the usual professions of + kindness, and a manner as nearly warm and natural as the exercise of + habitual art could make it. He certainly did look very miserable. His + features wore an expression of uniform despair. They brightened up, when + he beheld my wife, as the cloud brightens suddenly beneath the moonlight. + His eyes were riveted upon her. He was almost speechless, but he advanced + and took her hand, which I observed was scarcely extended to him. He sat + the evening with us, and a chilly, dull evening it was. He himself spoke + little—my wife less; and the conversation, such as it was, was + carried on chiefly between old Mrs. Porterfield and myself. But I could + see that Edgerton employed his eyes in a manner which fully compensated + for the silence of his tongue. They were seldom withdrawn from the quarter + of the apartment in which my wife sat. When withdrawn, it was but for an + instant, and they soon again reverted to the spot. He had certainly + acquired a degree of boldness, which, in this respect, he had not before + possessed. I keenly analyzed his looks without provoking his attention. It + was not possible for me to mistake the unreserved admiration that his + glance expressed. There was a strange spiritual expression in his eyes, + which was painful to the spectator. It was that fearful sign which the + soul invariably makes when it begins to exert itself at the expense of the + shell which contains it. It was the sign of death already written. But he + might linger for months. His cough did not seem to me oppressive. The + flush was not so obvious upon his cheek. Perhaps, looking through the + medium of my peculiar feelings, his condition was not half so apparent as + his designs. At least, I felt my sympathies in his behalf—small as + they were before—become feebler with every moment of his stay that + night. + </p> + <p> + “Edgerton does not appear to me to look so badly,” I said to Julia, after + his departure for the evening. + </p> + <p> + “I don't know,” she answered; “he looks very pale and miserable.” + </p> + <p> + “Quite interesting!” I added, with a smile which might have been a sneer. + </p> + <p> + “Painfully so. He can not last very long—his cough is very + troublesome.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! I scarcely heard it. He is certainly a very fine-looking fellow + still, consumption or no consumption.” + </p> + <p> + She was silent. + </p> + <p> + “A very graceful fellow: very generous and with accomplishments such as + are possessed by few. I have often envied him his person and + accomplishments.” + </p> + <p> + “You!” she exclaimed, with something like an expression of incredulity. + </p> + <p> + “Yes!—that is to say, when I was a youth, and when I thought more of + commending myself to your eyes, than of anything besides.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” she replied with an assuring smile, “you never needed qualities + other than your own to commend yourself to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Pleasant hypocrite! And yet, Julia, would you not be better pleased if I + could draw and color, and talk landscape with you by the hour?” + </p> + <p> + “No! I have never thought of your doing anything of the kind.” + </p> + <p> + “Like begets liking.” + </p> + <p> + “It may be, but I do not think so. I do not think we love people so much + for what they can do, as for what they are.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, Julia, that is a great mistake. It is a law in morals, that the + qualities of men should depend upon their performances. What a man is, + results from what he does, and so we judge of persons. Edgerton is a noble + fellow; his tastes are very fine. I suspect he can form as correct an + opinion of a fine picture as any one—perhaps, paint it as finely.” + </p> + <p> + She was silent. + </p> + <p> + “Do you not think so, Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “I think he paints very well for an amateur.” + </p> + <p> + “He is certainly a man of exquisite taste in most matters of taste and + elegance. I have always thought his manners particularly easy and + dignified. His carriage is at once manly and graceful; and his dancing—do + you not think he dances with admirable flexibility?” + </p> + <p> + “Really, Edward, I can scarcely regard dancing as a manly accomplishment. + It is necessary that a gentleman should dance, perhaps, but it appears to + me that he should do so simply because it is necessary; and to pass + through the measure without ostentation or offence should be his simple + object.” + </p> + <p> + “These are not usually the opinions of ladies, Julia.” + </p> + <p> + “They are mine, however.” + </p> + <p> + “You are not sure. You will think otherwise to-morrow. At all events, I + think there can be little doubt that Edgerton is one of the best dancers + in the circle we have left; he has the happiest taste in painting and + poetry; and a more noble gentleman and true friend does not exist + anywhere. I know not to whom I could more freely confide life, wealth, and + honor, than to him.” + </p> + <p> + She was silent. I fancied there was something like distress apparent in + her countenance. I continued:— + </p> + <p> + “There is one thing, Julia, about which I am not altogether satisfied.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” with much anxiety; “what is that?” + </p> + <p> + “I owe so much to his father, that, in his present condition, I fancy we + ought to receive him in our house. We should not let him go among + strangers, exposed to the noise and neglect of a hotel.” + </p> + <p> + There was some abruptness in her answer:— + </p> + <p> + “I do not see how you can bring him here. You forget that we are mere + lodgers ourselves; indebted for our accommodation to the kindness of a + lady upon whom we should have no right to press other lodgers. Such an + arrangement would crowd the house, and make all parties uncomfortable. + Besides, I suppose Mr. Edgerton will scarcely remain long enough in M—-to + make it of much importance where he lodges, and when he finds the tavern + uncomfortable he will take his departure.” + </p> + <p> + “But should he get sick at the tavern?” + </p> + <p> + “Such a chance would follow him wherever he went. That is the risk which + every man incurs when he goes abroad. He has a servant with him—no + doubt a favorite servant.” + </p> + <p> + “Should he get sick, Julia, even a favorite servant will not be enough. It + will be our duty to make other provision for him. I owe his father much; + the old man evidently expects much from me by his last letter. I owe the + son much. He has been a true friend to me. I must do for him as if he were + a brother, and should he get sick, Julia, you must be his nurse.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible, Mr. Clifford!” she replied, with unwonted energy, while a + deep, dark flush settled over her otherwise placid features, which were + now not merely discomposed but ruffled. “It is impossible that I should be + what you require. Suffer me, in this case, to determine my duties for + myself. Do for YOUR FRIEND what you think proper. You can provide a nurse, + and secure by money, the best attendance in the town. I do not think that + I can do better service than a hundred others whom you may procure; and + you will permit me to say, without seeking to displease you, that I will + not attempt it.” + </p> + <p> + I was not displeased at what she said, but it was not my policy to admit + this. With an air almost of indignation, I replied: + </p> + <p> + “And you would leave my friend to perish?” + </p> + <p> + “I trust he will not perish—I sincerely trust he will continue in + health while he remains here. I implore you, dear husband, to make no + requisition such as this. I can not serve your friend in this capacity. I + pray that he may not need it.” + </p> + <p> + “But should he?” + </p> + <p> + “I can not serve him.” + </p> + <p> + “Julia, you are a cold-hearted woman—you do not love me.” + </p> + <p> + “Cold-hearted, Edward, cold-hearted? Not love you, Edward?—Oh, + surely, you can not mean it. No! no! you can not!” + </p> + <p> + She threw herself into my arms, clasped me fondly in hers, and the warm + tears from her eyes gushed into my bosom. + </p> + <p> + “Love me, love my dog—at least my friend!” I exclaimed, in austere + accents, but without repulsing her. I could not repulse her. I had not + strength to put her from me. The embrace was too dear; and the energy with + which she rejected a suggestion in which I proposed only to try and test + her, made her doubly dear at that moment to my bosom. Alas! how, in the + attempt to torture others, do we torture ourselves! If I afflicted Julia + in this scene, I am very sure that my own sufferings were more intense. + One thing alone would have made them so. The ONE quality of evil, of the + bad spirit which mingled in with MY feelings, and did not trouble HERS. + But, just then I did not think her innocent altogether. I still had my + doubts that her resistance to my wishes was simply meant to conceal that + tendency in her own, the exposure of which she had naturally every reason + to dread. The demon of the blind heart, though baffled for awhile, was + still busy. Alas! he was not always to be baffled. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0042" id="link2HCH0042"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLII. — CROSS PURPOSES. + </h2> + <p> + Weeks passed and still William Edgerton was a resident of M—-, and a + constant guest at our little cottage. He had, in this time, effectually + broken up the harmony and banished the peace which had previously + prevailed there. The unhappy young man pursued the same insane course of + conduct which had been productive of so much bitterness and trouble to us + all before; and, under the influence of my evil demon, I adopted the same + blind policy which had already been so fruitful of misery to myself and + wife. I gave them constant opportunities together. I found my associates, + and pursued my pastimes—pastimes indeed—away from home. Poetry + and song were given up—we no longer wandered by the river-side, and + upon the green heights of our sacred hill. My evenings were consumed in + dreary rambles, alone with my own evil thoughts, and miserable fancies, or + consumed with yellow-eyed watching, from porch or tree, upon those + privacies of the suspected lovers, in which I had so shamefully indulged + before. I felt the baseness of this vocation, but I had not the strength + to give it up. I know there is no extenuation for it. I know that it was + base! base! base! It is a point of conscience with me, not only to declare + the truth, but to call things by the truest and most characteristic names. + Let me do my understanding the justice to say that, even when I practised + the meanness, I was not ignorant—not insensible of its character. It + was the strength only—the courage to do right, and to forbear the + wrong—in which I was deficient. It was the blind heart, not the + unknowing head to which the shame was attributable, though the pang fell + not unequally upon heart and head. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile, Kingsley returned from Texas. He became my principal companion. + We strolled together in my leisure hours by day. We sat and smoked + together in his chamber by night. My blind fortitude may be estimated, + when the reader is told that Kingsley professed to find me a very + agreeable companion. He complimented me on my liveliness, my wit, my + humor, and what not—and this, too, when I was all the while + meditating, with the acutest feeling of apprehension, upon the very last + wrong which the spirit of man is found willing to endure;—when I + believed that the ruin of my house was at hand; when I believed that the + ruin of my heart and hope had already taken place;—and when, + hungering only for the necessary degree of proof which justice required + before conviction, I was laying my gins and snares with the view to + detecting the offenders, and consummating the last terrible but necessary + work of vengeance! But Kingsley did not confine himself altogether to the + language of compliment. + </p> + <p> + “Good fellow and good companion as you are, Clifford—and loath as I + should be to give up these pleasant evenings, still I think you very wrong + in one respect. You neglect your wife.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! ha! what an idea! You are not serious?” + </p> + <p> + “As a judge.” + </p> + <p> + “Psha! She does not miss me.” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps not,” he answered gravely—“but for your own sake if not for + hers, it seems to me you should pursue a more domestic course.” + </p> + <p> + “What mean you?” + </p> + <p> + “You leave your wife too much to herself!—nay—let me be frank—not + too much to herself, for there would be little danger in that, but too + much with that fellow Edgerton.” + </p> + <p> + “What? You would not have me jealous, Kingsley?” + </p> + <p> + “No! Only prudent.” + </p> + <p> + “You dislike Edgerton, Kingsley.” + </p> + <p> + “I do! I frankly confess it. I think he wants manliness of character, and + such a man always lacks sincerity. But I do not speak of him. I should + utter the same opinion with respect to any other man, in similar + circumstances. A wife is a dependent creature—apt to be weak!—If + young, she is susceptible—equally susceptible to the attentions of + another and to the neglect of her husband. I do not say that such is the + case—with your wife. Far from it. I esteem her very much as a + remarkable woman. But women were intended to be dependents. Most of them + are governed by sensibilities rather than by principles. Impulse leads + them and misleads. The wife finds herself neglected by the very man who, + in particular, owes her duty. She finds herself entertained, served, + watched, tended with sleepless solicitude, by another; one, not wanting + either in personal charms and accomplishments, and having similar tastes + and talents. What should be the result of this? Will she not become + indifferent where she finds indifference—devoted where she finds + devotion? A cunning fellow, like Edgerton, may, under these circumstances, + rob a man of his wife's affections. Mark me, I do not say that he will do + anything positively dishonorable, at least in the world's acceptation of + the term. I do not intimate—I would not willingly believe—that + she would submit to anything of the sort. I speak of the affections, not + of the virtues. There is shame to the man in his wife's dishonor; but the + misfortune of losing her affections is neither more nor less than the + suffering without the shame. Look to it. I do not wish to prejudice your + mind against Edgerton. Far from it. I have forborne to speak hitherto + because I knew that my own mind was prejudiced against him. Even now I say + nothing against HIM. What I say has reference to your conduct only.—I + do not think Edgerton a bad man. I think him a weak one. Weak as a woman—governed, + like her, by impulse rather than by principle—easily led away—incapable + of resisting where his affections are concerned—repenting soon, and + sinning, in the same way, as fast as he repents. He is weak, very weak—washy-weak—he + wants stamina, and, wanting that, wants principle!” + </p> + <p> + “Strange enough, if you should be right! How do you reconcile this opinion + with his refusal to lend you money to game upon? He was governed in that + by principle.” + </p> + <p> + “Not a bit of it! He was governed by habit. He knew nothing of gambling—had + heard his father always preaching against it—it was not a temptation + with him. His tastes were of another sort. He could not be tried in that + way. The very fact that he was susceptible, in particular, to the charms + of female society, saved him from the passion for gaming, as it would save + him from the passion for drink. But the very tastes that saved him from + one passion make him particularly susceptible to another. He can stand the + temptation of play, but not that of women. Let him be tried THERE, and he + falls! his principle would not save him—would not be worth a straw + to a drowning man.” + </p> + <p> + “You underrate—undervalue Edgerton. He has always been a true, + generous friend of mine.” + </p> + <p> + “Be it so! with that I have nothing to do. But friendship has its limits + which it can not pass. Were Edgerton truly your friend, he would advise + you as I have done. Nay, a proper sense of friendship and of delicacy + would have kept him from paying that degree of attention to the wife which + must be an hourly commentary on the neglect of her husband. I confess to + you it was this very fact that made me resolve to speak to you.” + </p> + <p> + “I thank you, my dear fellow, but I have nothing to fear. Poor Edgerton is + dying—music and painting are his solace—they minister to his + most active tastes. As for Julia, she is immaculate.” + </p> + <p> + “I distrust neither; but you should not throw away your pearl, because you + think it can not suffer stain.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not throw it away.” + </p> + <p> + “You do not sufficiently cherish it.” + </p> + <p> + “What would you have me do—wear it constantly in my bosom?” + </p> + <p> + “No! not exactly that; but at least wear nothing else there so frequently + or so closely as that.” + </p> + <p> + “I do not. I fancy I am a very good husband. You shall not put me out of + humor, Kingsley, either with my wife or myself. You shall not make me + jealous. I am no Othello—I have no visitations of the moon.” + </p> + <p> + And I laughed—laughed while speaking thus—though the keen pang + was writhing at that moment like a burning arrow through my brain. + </p> + <p> + “I have no wish to make you jealous, Clifford, and I very much admire your + superiority and strength. I congratulate you on your singular freedom from + this unhappy passion. But you may become too confident. You may lose your + wife's affections by your neglect, when you might not lose them by + treachery.” + </p> + <p> + “You are grown a croaker, Kingsley, and I will leave you. I will go home. + I will show you what a good husband I am, or can become.” + </p> + <p> + “That's right; but smoke another cigar before you go.” + </p> + <p> + “There it is!” I exclaimed, laughingly. “You blow hot and cold. You would + have me go and stay.” + </p> + <p> + “Take the cigar, at least, and smoke it as you go. My advice is good, and + that it is honest you may infer from my reluctance to part with you. I + will see you at the office at nine in the morning. There is some prospect + of a compromise with Jeffords about the tract in Dallas, and he is to meet + Wharton and myself at your law-shop to-morrow. It is important to make an + arrangement with Jeffords—his example will be felt by Brownsell and + Gibbon. We may escape a long-winded lawsuit, after all, to your great + discomfiture and my gain. But you do not hear me!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, yes, every word—you spoke of Jeffords, and Wharton, and Gibbon—yes, + I heard you.” + </p> + <p> + “Now I know that you did not hear me—not understandingly, at least. + I should not be surprised if I have made you jealous. You look wild, mon + ami!” + </p> + <p> + “Jealous, indeed! what nonsense!” and I prepared to depart when I had thus + spoken. + </p> + <p> + “Well, at nine you must meet us at the office. My business must not suffer + because you are jealous.” + </p> + <p> + “Come, no more of that, Kingsley!” + </p> + <p> + “By heavens, you are touched.” + </p> + <p> + He laughed merrily. I laughed also, but with a choking effort which almost + cost me a convulsion as I left the tavern. The sport of Kingsley was my + death. What he had said previously sunk deep into my soul. Not rightly—not + as it should have sunk—showing me the folly of my own course without + assuming, as I did, the inevitable wilfulness of the course of others; but + actually confirming me in my fears—nay, making them grow hideous as + THINGS and substantive convictions. It seemed to me, from what Kingsley + said that I was already dishonored—that the world already knew my + shame; and that he, as my friend, had only employed an ambiguous language + to soften the sting and the shock which his revelations must necessarily + occasion. With this new notion, which occurred to me after leaving the + house, I instantly returned to it. It required a strong effort to seem + deliberate in what I spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Kingsley,” I said, “perhaps I did not pay sufficient heed to your + observations. Do you mean to convey to my mind the idea that people think + Edgerton too familiar with my wife? Do you mean to say that such a notion + is abroad? That there is anything wrong?” + </p> + <p> + “By no means.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! then there is nothing in it. I see no reason for suspicion. I am not + a jealous man; but it becomes necessary when one's neighbors find occasion + to look into one's business, to look a little into it one's self.” + </p> + <p> + “One must not wait for that,” said Kingsley; “but where is your cigar?” + </p> + <p> + The question confused me. I had dropped it in the agitation of my + feelings, without being conscious of its loss. + </p> + <p> + “Take another,” said he, with a smile, “and let your cares end in smoke as + you wend homeward. My most profound thoughts come from my cigar. To that I + look for my philosophy, my friendship, my love—almost my religion. A + cigar is a brain-comforter, verily. You should smoke more, Clifford. You + will grow better, wiser—COOLER.” + </p> + <p> + “I take your cigar and counsel together,” was my reply. “The one shall + reconcile me to the other. Bon repos!” And so I left him. + </p> + <p> + I was not likely to have bon repos myself. I was troubled. Kingsley + suspects me of being jealous. Such an idea was very mortifying. This is + another weakness of the suspicious nature. It loathes above all things to + be suspected of jealousy. I hurried home, vexed with my want of coolness—doubly + vexed at the belief that other eyes than my own were witnesses of the + attentions of Edgerton to my wife. + </p> + <p> + I stopped at the entrance of our cottage. HE was there as usual. Mrs. + Porterfield was not present. The candle was burning dimly. He sat upon the + sofa. Julia was seated upon chair at a little distance. Her features wore + an expression of exceeding gravity. His were pale and sad, but his eyes + burnt with an eager intensity that betrayed the passionate feeling in his + heart. Thus they sat—she looking partly upon the floor—he + looking at her. I observed them for more than ten minutes; and in all that + time I do not believe they exchanged two sentences. + </p> + <p> + “Surely,” I thought, “this must be a singularly sufficing passion which + can enjoy itself in this manner without the help of language.” + </p> + <p> + Of course, this reflection increased the strength of my suspicions. I + became impatient, and entered the cottage. The eyes of Julia seemed to + brighten at my appearance, but they were also full of sadness. Edgerton + soon after rose and took his departure. I believe, if I had stayed away + till midnight, he would have lingered until that time; but I also believe + that if I had returned two hours before, he would have gone as soon. His + passion for the wife seemed to produce an antipathy to the husband, quite + as naturally as that which grew up in my bosom in regard to him. When he + was gone, my wife approached me, almost vehemently exclaiming— + </p> + <p> + “Why, why do you leave me thus, Clifford? Surely you can not love me.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I do; but I was with Kingsley. I had business, and did not suppose + you would miss me.” + </p> + <p> + “Why suppose otherwise, Edward? I do miss you. I beg that you will not + leave me thus again.” + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean? You are singularly earnest, Julia. What has happened? + What has offended you? Was not Edgerton with you all the evening?” + </p> + <p> + My questions, coupled with my manner, which has been somewhat excited, + seemed to alarm her. She replied hurriedly:— + </p> + <p> + “Nothing has happened! nothing has offended me! But I feel that you should + not leave me thus. It does not look well. It looks as if you did not love + me.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! but when you KNOW that I do!” + </p> + <p> + “I do not know it. Oh, show me that you do, Edward. Stay with me as you + did at first—when we first came here—when we were first + married. Then we were so—so happy!” + </p> + <p> + “You would not say that you are not happy now?” + </p> + <p> + “I am not! I do not see you as I wish—when I wish! You leave me so + often—leave me to strangers, and seem so indifferent. Oh! Edward, do + not let me think that you care for me no longer.” + </p> + <p> + “Strangers! Why, how you talk!—Good old Mrs. Porterfield seems to me + like my own grandmother, and Edgerton has been my friend—-” + </p> + <p> + Did I really hear her say the single word, “Friend!” and with such an + accent! The sound was a very slight one—it may have been my fancy + only;—and she turned away a moment after. What could it mean? I was + bewildered. I followed her to the chamber. I endeavored to renew the + subject in such a manner as not to offend her suspicions, but she seemed + to have taken the alarm. She answered me in monosyllables only, and + without satisfying the curiosity which that single word, doubtfully + uttered, had so singularly awakened. + </p> + <p> + “Only love me—love me, Edward, and keep with me, and I will not + complain. But if you leave me—if you neglect me—I am + desolate!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0043" id="link2HCH0043"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIII. — ACCIDENT AND MORE AGONIES. + </h2> + <p> + There was something very unaccountable in all this. I say unaccountable, + with the distinct understanding that it was unaccountable only to that + obtuse condition of mind which is produced by the demon of the blind + heart. My difficulties of judging were only temporary, however. The + sinister spirit made his whisper conclusive in the end. + </p> + <p> + “This vehemence,” it suggested, “which is so unwonted with her, is + evidently unnatural, It—is affected for an object. What is that + object? It is the ordinary one with persons in the wrong, who always + affect one extreme of feeling when they would conceal another. She fears + that you will suspect that she is very well satisfied in your absence; + accordingly she strives to convince you that she was never so + dissatisfied. Of course you can not believe that a man so well endowed as + Edgerton, so graceful, having such fine tastes and accomplishments, can + prove other than an agreeable companion! What then should be your belief?” + </p> + <p> + There was a devilish ingenuity in this sort of perversion. It had its + effect. I believed it; and believing it, revolted, with a feeling of hate + and horror, at the supposed loathsome hypocrisy of that fond embrace, and + those earnest pleadings, which, in the moment of their first display, had + seemed so precious to my soul. In the morning, when I was setting forth + from home, she put her arm on my shoulder:— + </p> + <p> + “Come home soon. Edward, and let us go together on the hill. Let nobody + know. Surely we shall be company enough for each other. I will sketch you + a view of the river while you read Wordsworth to me.” + </p> + <p> + “Now,” whispered my demon in my ears, “that is ingenious. Let nobody know; + as if, having a friend in the neighborhood—on a visit—be sick + and in bad spirits—you should propose to yourself a pleasure trip of + any kind without inviting him to partake of it? She knows THAT to be out + of the question, and that you must ask Edgerton if you resolve to go + yourself.” + </p> + <p> + Such was the artful suggestion of my familiar. My resolve—still + recognising the cruel policy by which I had been so long governed—was + instantly taken. This was to invite Edgerton and Kingsley both. + </p> + <p> + “I will give them every opportunity. While Kingsley and myself ramble + together, well leave this devoted pair to their own cogitations, taking + care, however, to see what comes of them.” + </p> + <p> + I promised Julia to be home in season, but said nothing of my intention to + ask the gentlemen. She thanked me with a look and smile, which, had I not + seen all things through eyes of the most jaundiced green, would have + seemed to me that of an angel, expressive only of the truest love. + </p> + <p> + “Ah! could I but believe!” was the bitter self-murmur of my soul, as I + left the threshold. + </p> + <p> + On my way through the town I stopped at the postoffice to get letters, and + received one from Mrs. Delaney—late Clifford—my wife's + exemplary mother, addressed to Julia. I then proceeded to Edgerton's + lodgings. He was not yet up, and I saw him in his chamber. His flute lay + upon the toilet. Seeing it, I recalled, with all its original vexing + bitterness, the scene which took place the night previous to my departure + from my late home. And when I looked on Edgerton—saw with what + effort he spoke, and how timidly he expressed himself—how reluctant + were his eyes to meet the gaze of mine—his guilt seemed equally + fresh and unequivocal. I marked him out, involuntarily, as my victim. I + felt assured, even while conveying to him the complimentary invitation + which I bore, that my hand was commissioned to do the work of death upon + his limbs. Strange and fascinating conviction! But I did not contemplate + this necessity with any pleasure. No! I would have prayed—I did pray—that + the task might be spared me. If I thought of it at all, it was as the + agent of a necessity which I could not countervail. The fates had me in + their keeping. I was the blind instrument obeying the inflexible will, + against which + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Reluctant nature strives in vain.” + </pre> + <p> + I felt then, most truly, though I deceived myself, that I had no power, + though every disposition, to save and to spare. I conveyed my invitation + as a message from my wife. + </p> + <p> + “Edgerton, my wife has planned a little ramble for this afternoon. She + wishes to show you some of the beauties of landscape in our new abode. She + commissions me to ask you to join us.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! did SHE?” he demanded eagerly, with a slight emphasis on the last + word. + </p> + <p> + “Ay, did she! Will you come?” + </p> + <p> + “Certainly—with pleasure!” + </p> + <p> + He need not have said so much. The pleasure spoke in his bright eyes—in + the tremulous hurry of his utterance. I turned away from him, lest I + should betray the angry feeling which disturbed me. He did not seek to + arrest my departure. He had few words. It was sufficiently evident that he + shrunk from my glance and trembled in my presence. How far otherwise, in + the days of our mutual innocence—in our days of boyhood—when + his face seemed clear like that of a pure, perfect star, shining out in + the blue serene of night, unconscious of a cloud. + </p> + <p> + Kingsley was already at my office when I reached it, and soon after came + Mr. Wharton, followed by two of our opponents. We were engaged with them + the better part of the morning. When the business hours were consumed, our + transactions remained unfinished, and another meeting was appointed for + the ensuing day. I invited Wharton as well as Kingsley to join us in our + afternoon rambles, which they both promised to do. I went home something + sooner to make preparations, and only recollected, on seeing Julia, that I + had thrown the letter from her mother, with other papers, into my desk. + When I told her of the letter, her countenance changed to a death-like + paleness which instantly attracted my notice. + </p> + <p> + “What is the matter—are you sick, Julia!” + </p> + <p> + “No! nothing. But the letter—where is it?” + </p> + <p> + “I threw it on my table, or in my desk, with other papers, to have them + out of the way; and hurrying home sooner than usual, forgot to bring it + with me. I suppose there's nothing in it of any importance?” + </p> + <p> + “No, nothing, I suppose,” she answered faintly. + </p> + <p> + I told her what I had done with respect to our guests. + </p> + <p> + “I am very sorry,” she answered, “that you have done so. I do not feel + like company, and wished to have you all to myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, selfish; but of this I will believe moderately! As for company, with + the exception of Wharton, they are old friends; and it would not do to + take a pleasure ramble, with poor Edgerton here, and not make him a + party.” + </p> + <p> + There was an earnest intensity of gaze, almost amounting to a painful + stare, in Julia's eyes, as I said these words. She really seemed + distressed. + </p> + <p> + “But really, Edward, our pleasure ramble is not such a one as would make + it a duty to invite your friends. How difficult it seems for you to + understand me. Could not we two stroll a piece into the woods without + having witnesses?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, is that all? Why then should you have made a formal appointment for + such a purpose? Could we not have gone as before—without + premeditation?” + </p> + <p> + The question puzzled her. She looked anxious. Had she answered with + sincerity—with truth—and could I have believed her to have + been sincere, how easy would it have been to have settled our + difficulties. Had she said—“I really wish to avoid Mr. Edgerton, + whose presence annoys me—who will be sure to come—when you are + sure to be gone—and whom I have particular reasons to wish not to + meet—not to see.” + </p> + <p> + This, which might be the truth, she did not dare to speak. She had her + reasons for her apprehension. This, which was reasonable enough, I could + not conjecture; for the demon of the blind heart was too busy in + suggesting other conjectures. It was evident enough that she had secret + motives for her course, which she did not venture to reveal to me; and + nothing could be more natural, in the diseased state of my mind, than that + I should give the worst colorings to these motives in the conjectures + which I made upon them. We were destined to play at cross-purposes much + longer, and with more serious issues. + </p> + <p> + Our friends came, and we set forth in the pleasant part of the afternoon. + We ascended our hill, and resting awhile upon the summit, surveyed the + prospect from that position. Then I conducted the party through some of + our woodland walks, which Julia and myself had explored together. But I + soon gave up the part of cicerone to Wharton, who was to the “MANOR BORN.” + He was a native of the neighborhood, boasted that he knew every “bosky + dell of this wild wood” and certainly conducted us to glimpses of + prettiest heights, and groves, and far vistas, where the light seemed to + glide before us in an embodied gray form, that stole away, and peeped + backward upon us from long allies of the darkest and most solemn-sighted + pines. + </p> + <p> + “But there is a finer spot just below us,” he said—“a creek that is + like no other that I have ever met with in the neighborhood. It is formed + by the Alabama—is as deep in some places, and so narrow, at times, + that a spry lad can easily leap across it.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it far?” + </p> + <p> + “No—a mile only.” + </p> + <p> + “But your wife may be fatigued, Clifford?” was the suggestion of Kingsley. + She certainly looked so; but I answered for her, and insisted otherwise. I + met her glance as I spoke, but, though she looked dissatisfaction, her + lips expressed none. I could easily conjecture that she felt none. She was + walking with Edgerton—and while all eyes watched the scenery, he + watched her alone. I hurried forward with Kingsley, but he immediately + fell behind, loitered on very slowly, and left Wharton and myself to + proceed together. I could comprehend the meaning of this. My demon made + his suggestion. + </p> + <p> + “Kingsley suspects them—he sees what you are unwilling to see—he + is not so willing to leave them together.” + </p> + <p> + We reached the stream, and wandered along its banks. It had some unusual + characteristics. It was sometimes a creek, deep and narrow, but clear; a + few steps farther and it became what, in the speech of the country, is + called a branch; shallow, purling soft over a sand-bed, limpid yellow, and + with a playful prattle that put one in mind of the songs of thoughtless + children, humming idly as they go. The shrubbery along its (sic) seemed to + follow its changes. Where the bluffs were high, the foliage was dense and + the trees large. The places where its waters shallowed, were only dotted + with shrub trees and wild vines, which sometimes clambered across the + stream and wedded the opposing branches, in bonds as hard to break as + those of matrimony. The waters were sinuous, and therefore slow. They + seemed only to glide along, like some glittering serpent, who trails at + leisure his silvery garments through the woods quietly and slow, as if he + had no sort of apprehension. + </p> + <p> + When we had reached a higher spot of bluff than the rest, Wharton, who was + an active rather than an athletic man, challenged me to follow him. He + made the leap having little space to spare. I had not done such a thing + for some years. But my boyhood had been one of daring. The school in which + I had grown up had given me bodily hardihood and elasticity; at all events + I could not brook defiance in such a matter, and, with moderate effort, + succeeded in making a longer stride. I looked back at this moment and saw + Julia, still closely attended by Edgerton, just about emerging into view + from a thick copse that skirted the foot of a small hill over which our + course had brought us. I could not distinguish their features. They were, + however, close together. Kingsley was on their right, a little in advance + of them, but still walking slowly. I pointed my finger toward a shallow + and narrow part of the stream as that which they would find it most easy + to cross. A tree had been felled at the designated point, and just below + it, in consequence of the obstructions which its limbs presented to the + easy passage of the water, several sand bars had been made, by which, + stepping from one to the other, one might cross dryshod even without the + aid of the tree. Kingsley repeated my signal to those behind him, and led + the way. I went on with Wharton, without again looking behind me. + </p> + <p> + But few minutes had elapsed after this, when I heard Julia scream in + sudden terror. I looked round, but the foliage had thickened behind me, + and I could no longer see the parties. I bounded backward, with no + enviable feelings. My apprehensions for my wife's safety made me forgetful + of my suspicions. I reached the spot in time to discover the cause of her + alarm. + </p> + <p> + She was in the midst of the stream, standing upon one of the sandflats, + steadying herself with difficulty, while she supported the whole form of + William Edgerton, who lay, seemingly lifeless, and half buried in one of + the sluices of water which ran between the sandrifts. I had just time to + see this, and to feel all the pangs of my jealousy renewed, when Kingsley + rushed into the water to his rescue. He lifted him out to the banks as if + he had been an infant, and laid him on the shore. I went to the relief of + Julia, who, trembling like a leaf, fainted in my arms the moment she felt + herself in safety. + </p> + <p> + The whole affair was at that time unaccountable to me. It necessarily + served to increase my pangs. Had I not seen her with my own eyes tenderly + supporting the fainting frame of the man whom I believed to be my rival—whom + I believed she loved? Had I not heard her scream of terror announcing her + interest in his fate—her apprehensions for his safety? His danger + had made her forgetful of her caution—such was the assurance of my + demon—and in the fullness of her heart her voice found utterance. + Besides, how was I to know what endearments—what fond pressure of + palms—had been passing between them, making them heedless of their + course, and consequently, making them liable to the accident which had + occurred. For, it must be remembered, that the general impression was that + Edgerton's foot had slipped, and, falling into the stream while + endeavoring to assist Julia, he had nearly pulled her in after him. His + fainting afterward we ascribed to the same nervous weakness which had + induced that of Julia. On this head, however, Kingsley was better + informed. He told me, in a subsequent conversation, that he had narrowly + observed the parties—that, until the moment before he fell, the + hands of the two had not met—that then, Edgerton offered his to + assist my wife over the stream, and scarcely had their fingers touched, + when Edgerton sank down, like a stone, seemingly lifeless, and falling + into the water only after he had become insensible. + </p> + <p> + All was confusion. Mine, however, was not confusion. It was commotion—commotion + which I yet suppressed—a volcano smothered, but smothered only for a + time, and ready to break forth with superior fury in consequence of the + restraint put upon it. This one event, with the impressive spectacle of + the parties in such close juxtaposition, seemed almost to render every + previous suspicion conclusive. + </p> + <p> + Julia was soon recovered; but the swoon of Edgerton was of much longer + duration. We sprinkled him with water, subjected him to fanning and + friction, and at length aroused him. His mind seemed to wander at his + first consciousness—he murmured incoherently. One or two broken + sentences, however, which he spoke, were not without significance in my + ears. + </p> + <p> + “Closer! closer! leave me not now—not yet.” + </p> + <p> + I bent over him to catch the words. Kingsley, as if he feared the + utterance of anything more, pushed me away, and addressing Edgerton + sternly, asked him if he felt pain. + </p> + <p> + “What hurts you, Mr. Edgerton? Where is your pain?” + </p> + <p> + The harsh and very loud tones which he employed, had the effect which I + have no doubt he intended. The other came to complete consciousness in a + moment. + </p> + <p> + “Pain!” said he—“no! I feel no pain. I feel feeble only.” + </p> + <p> + And he strove to rise from the ground as he spoke. + </p> + <p> + “Do not attempt it,” said Kingsley—“you are not able. Wharton, my + good fellow, will you run back to town, and bring a carriage?” + </p> + <p> + “It will not need,” said Edgerton, striving again to rise, and staggering + up with difficulty. + </p> + <p> + “It will need. You must not overtask yourself. The walk is a long one + before us.” + </p> + <p> + Meantime, Wharton was already on his way. It was a tedious interval which + followed before his return with the carriage, which found considerable + difficulty in picking a track through the woods. Julia, after recovery, + had wandered off about a hundred yards from the party. She betrayed no + concern—no uneasiness—made no inquiries after Edgerton, of + whose condition she knew nothing—and, by this very course, convinced + me that she was conscious of too deep an interest in his fate to trust her + lips in referring to it. All that she said to me was, that “she had been + so terrified on seeing him fall, that she did not even know that she had + screamed.” + </p> + <p> + “Natural enough!” said my demon. “Had she been able to have controlled her + utterance, she would have taken precious good care to have maintained the + silence of the grave. But her feelings were too strong for her policy.” + </p> + <p> + And I took this reasoning for gospel. + </p> + <p> + The carriage came. Edgerton was put into it, but Julia positively refused + to ride. She insisted that she was perfectly equal to the walk and walk + she would. I was pleased with this determination, but not willing to + appear pleased. I expostulated with her even angrily, but found her + incorrigible. Chagrin and disappointment were obvious enough on the face + of William Edgerton. + </p> + <p> + I took my seat beside him, and left Kingsley and Wharton to escort my wife + home. We had scarcely got in motion before a rash determination seized my + mind. + </p> + <p> + “You must go home with me, Edgerton. It will not do, while you are in this + feeble state, to remain at a public tavern.” + </p> + <p> + He said something very faintly about crowding and inconveniencing us. + </p> + <p> + “Pshaw—room enough—and Julia can be your nurse.” + </p> + <p> + His eyes closed, he sunk back in the carriage, and a deep sigh escaped + him. I fancied that he had a second time fainted; but I soon discovered + that his faintness was simply the sudden sense of an overcoming pleasure. + I knit my teeth spasmodically together; I cursed him in the bitterness of + my heart, but said nothing. It was a feeling of desperation that had + prompted the rash resolution which I had taken. + </p> + <p> + “At least,” I muttered to myself, “it will bring these damning doubts to a + final trial. If they have been fools heretofore, opportunity will serve to + madden them. We shall see—we shall know all very soon;—and + then!—” + </p> + <p> + Ay, then! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0044" id="link2HCH0044"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIV. — THE DAMNING LETTER. + </h2> + <p> + Mrs Porterfield, good old lady, half blind, half deaf, infirm and gouty, + but very good natured, easily complied with my request to accommodate my + friend. My friend!—She soon put one of her bed-rooms in order, and + Edgerton was in quiet possession of it sometime before the pedestrians + came home. When my wife was told of what I had done, she was perfectly + aghast. Her air of chagrin was well put on and excellently worn. But she + said nothing. Kingsley wore a face of unusual gravity. + </p> + <p> + “You are either the most wilful or the most indifferent husband in the + world,” was his whispered remark to me as he bade me good night, refusing + to remain for supper. + </p> + <p> + I said something to my wife about tending Edgerton—seeing to his + wants—nursing him if he remained unwell, and so forth She looked at + me with a face of intense sadness, but made no reply. + </p> + <p> + “She is too happy for speech,” said my demon; “and such faces are easily + made for such an occasion.” + </p> + <p> + I went in to Edgerton after a brief space; I found him feeble, complaining + of chill. His hands felt feverish. I advised quiet and sent off for a + physician. I sat with him until the physician came, but I observed that my + presence seemed irksome to him. He answered me in monosyllables only; his + eyes, meanwhile, being averted, his countenance that of one excessively + weary and impatient for release. The physician prescribed and left him, as + I did myself. I thought he needed repose and desired to be alone. To my + great surprise he followed me in less than half an hour into the + supper-room, where he stubbornly sat out the evening. He refused to take + the physic prescribed for him and really did not now appear to need it. + His eyes were lighted up with unusual animation, his cheeks had an + improved color, and without engaging very actively in the conversation, + what he said was said with a degree of spirit quite uncommon with him + during the latter days of our intimacy. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Wharton spent the evening with us, and the ball of talk was chiefly + sustained by him and myself. My wife said little, nothing save when spoken + to, and wore a countenance of greater gravity than ever. It seemed that + Edgerton made some effort to avoid any particularity in his manner, yet + seldom did I turn my eyes without detecting his in keen examination of my + wife's countenance. At such times, his glance usually fell to the ground, + but toward the close of evening, he almost seemed to despise observation, + or—which was more probable—was not conscious of it—for + his gaze became fixed with a religious earnestness, which no look of mine + could possibly divert or unfix. He solicited my wife to play on the + guitar, but she declined, until requested by Mrs. Porterfield, when she + took up the instrument passively, and sung to it one of those ordinary + negro-songs which are now so shockingly popular. I was surprised at this, + for I well knew that she heartily detested the taste and spirit in which + such things were conceived. Under the tuition of my demon, I immediately + assumed this to be another proof of the decline of her delicacy. And yet, + though I did not think of this at the time, she might have employed the + coarse effusion simply as an antidote against the predominance of a morbid + sentimentalism. There is a moment in the history of the heart's suffering, + when the smallest utterance of the lips, or movement of the form, or + expression of the eye, is prompted by some prevailing policy—some + motive which the excited sensibilities deem of importance to their + desires. + </p> + <p> + She retired soon. Her departure was followed by that of Edgerton first, + and next of Wharton. Mrs. Porterfield had already gone. I was alone at the + entrance of our cottage. Not alone! My demon was with me—suggestive + of his pangs as ever—full of subtlety, and filling me with the + darkest imaginings. The destroyer of my peace was in my dwelling. My wife + may or may not be innocent. Happy for her if she is, but how can that be + known? It mattered little to me in the excited mood which possessed me. + Let any man fancy, as I did, that one, partaking of his hospitality, lying + in the chamber which adjoined his own, yet meditated the last injury in + the power of man to inflict against the peace and honor of his protector. + Let him fancy this, and then ask what would be his own feelings—what + his course? + </p> + <p> + Still, there is a sentiment of justice which is natural to every bosom + with whom education has not been utter perversion. I believed much against + Edgerton; I suspected my wife; I had seen much to offend my affections; + much to alarm my fears; yet I KNEW nothing which was conclusive. That last + event, the occurrence of the afternoon, seemed to prove not that the two + were guilty, but that my wife loved the man who meditated guilt. This + belief, doubtful so long, and against which I had really striven, seemed + now to be concluded. I had heard her scream; I had seen her tenderly + sustaining his form; I had felt her emotions, when, the danger being over, + her feminine nature gained the ascendancy and she fainted in my arms. I + could no longer doubt, that if she was still pure in mind, she was no + longer insensible to a passion which must lessen that purity with every + added moment of its permitted exercise. Still, even with this conviction, + something more was necessary to justify me in what I designed. There must + be no doubt. I must see. I must have sufficient proof, for, as my + vengeance shall be unsparing, my provocation must be complete. That it + might be so I had brought Edgerton into the house. Something more was + necessary. Time and opportunity must be allowed him. This I insisted on, + though, more than once, as I walked under the dark whispering groves which + girdled our cottage, and caught a glimpse of the light in Edgerton's + chamber, my demon urged me to go in and strangle him. I had strength to + resist this suggestion, but the struggle was a long one. + </p> + <p> + I did not soon retire to rest. When I did, I still remained sleepless. But + Julia slept. In her sleep she threw herself on my bosom, and seemed to + cling about and clasp me as if with some fear of separation. Had I not + fancied that this close embrace was meant for another than myself, I had + been more indulgent to the occasional moanings of distress that escaped + her lips. But, thinking as I did, I forced her from me, and in doing so + she wakened. + </p> + <p> + “Edward,” she exclaimed on wakening, “is it you?” + </p> + <p> + “Who should it be?” I demanded—all my suspicions renewed by her + question. + </p> + <p> + “I am so glad. I have had such a dream. Oh! Edward, I dreamed that you + were killing me!” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! what could have occasioned such a dream?” + </p> + <p> + My demon suggested, at this moment, that her dream had been occasioned by + a consciousness of what her guilty fancies deserved. But she replied + promptly:— + </p> + <p> + “Nay, I know not. It was the strangest fancy. I thought that you pursued + me along the river—that my foot slipped and I fell among the bushes, + where you caught me, and it was just when you were strangling me that I + wakened.” + </p> + <p> + “Your dream was occasioned by the affair of the afternoon. Was nobody + present but ourselves?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes—there was a man at a little distance beyond us, and he seemed + to be running from you also.” + </p> + <p> + “A man! who was he?” + </p> + <p> + “I don't know exactly—his back was turned, but it seemed as if it + was Mr. Edgerton.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! Mr. Edgerton!” + </p> + <p> + A deep silence followed. She had spoken her reply firmly, but so slowly as + to convince me of the mental reluctance which she felt in uttering this + part of the dream. When the imagination is excited, how small are the + events that confirm its ascendency, and stimulate its progress. This dream + seemed to me as significant as any of the signs that informed the ancient + augurs. It bore me irresistibly forward in the direction of my previous + thoughts. I began to see the path—dark, dismal—perhaps bloody—which + lay before me. I began to feel the deed, already in my soul, which destiny + was about to require me to perform. A crime, half meditated, is already + half committed. This is the danger of brooding upon the precipice of evil + thoughts. A moment's dizziness—a single plunge—and all is + over! + </p> + <p> + I doubt whether Julia slept much the remainder of the night. I know that I + did not. She had her consciousness as well as mine. THAT I now know. The + question—“was her consciousness a guilty one?” That was the only + question which remained for me! + </p> + <p> + The next morning I saw Edgerton. He looked quite as well as on the + previous night, but professed to feel otherwise—declined coming + forth to breakfast and begged me to send the physician to him on my way to + the office. I immediately conjectured that this was mere practice, for he + had not taken the medicine which had been prescribed. + </p> + <p> + “He must keep sick to keep HERE,” said my demon. “He can have no pretext, + otherwise, to stay!” + </p> + <p> + When I was about to leave the house Julia followed me to the door. + </p> + <p> + “Don't forget to bring mother's letter with you,” was her parting + direction. I had not been half an hour at the office before a little + servant-girl, who tended in the house, came to me with a message from her, + requesting that the letter might be sent by her. + </p> + <p> + This earnestness struck me with surprise. I remembered the expression in + my wife's face the day before when I told her the letter had been + received, I now recalled to mind the fact, that, on no occasion, had she + ever shown me any of her mother's letters; though nothing surely would + have seemed more natural, as she knew how keen was my anxiety to hear at + all times from the old maternal city. + </p> + <p> + My suspicions began to warm, and I resolved upon another act of baseness + in obedience to the counsel of my evil spirit. I pretended to look awhile + for the letter, but finally dismissed the girl, saying that I had mislaid + it, but would bring it home with me when I came to dinner. The moment she + had gone I examined this precious document. It was sealed with one of + those gum wafers which are stuck on the outside of the envelope. In + turning it over, as if everything was prepared to gratify my wish, I + discovered that one section of the wafer had nearly parted from the paper. + To the upper section of the fold it adhered closely. To the lower it was + scarcely attached at all, and seemed never to have been as well fastened + as the upper. + </p> + <p> + The temptation was irresistible. A very slight effort enabled me to + complete the separation without soiling the paper or fracturing the seal. + This was all done within my desk, the leaf of the desk being raised and + resting upon my head. In this position I could easily close the desk, in + the event of any intrusion, without suffering the intruder to see in what + I had been engaged. Thus guarded I proceeded to read the precious epistle, + which I found very much what I should have expected from such a woman. It + said a great deal about her neighbors and her neighbors' dresses; and how + her dear Delaney was sometimes “obstropolous,” though in the end a mighty + good man; and much more over which I hurried with all the rapidity of + disgust. But there was matter that made me linger. One or two sentences + thrown into the postscript contained a volume. I read, with lifted hair + and a convulsed bosom, the following passage:— + </p> + <p> + “Delaney tells me that Bill Edgerton has gone to travel. He says to + Tennessee. But I know better. I know he can't keep from you, let him try + his best. But be on your guard, Julia. Don't let him get too free. Your + husband's a jealous man, and if he was once to dream of the truth, he'd + just as leave shoot him as look at him. I thought at one time he'd have + guessed the truth before. So far you've played your cards nicely, but that + was when I was by you, to tell you how. I feel quite ticklish when I think + of you, and remember you've got nobody now to consult with. All I can say + is, keep close. It would be the most terrible thing if Clifford should + find out or even suspect. He wouldn't spare either of you. It's better for + a woman in this country to drag on and be wretched, than to expose herself + to shame, for no one cares for her after that. Be sure and burn this the + moment you've read it. I would not have it seen for the world. I only + write it as a matter of duty, for I can't forget that I'm your mother, + though I must say, Julia, there were times when you have not acted the + part of a daughter.” + </p> + <p> + Precious, voluminous postscript! Considerate mother! “Be on your guard, + Julia. Don't let him get too free!” Prudent, motherly counsel! “You've + played your cards nicely.” Nice lady! “I feel quite ticklish!” Elegant + sensibilities! + </p> + <p> + Enough! The evil was done. Here was another piece of damning testimony, + indirect but conclusive, to show that I was bedevilled. I refolded the + letter, but I could not place my lips to the wafer. The very letter seemed + to breathe of poison. Faugh! I put it from me, went to the basin, and + wetting the end of my finger, sufficiently softened the gum to make it + more effectually fasten the letter than when I had received it. This done, + I proceeded to the business of the day with what appetite was left me. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0045" id="link2HCH0045"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLV. — VERGE OF THE PRECIPICE. + </h2> + <p> + I do not know how I got through with the business of that day. Even in my + weakness I was possessed of a singular degree of strength. I saw Kingsley, + Wharton, and all of the parties whom we met the day before. We came to a + final decision on the subject of Kingsley's claims; I took down the heads + of several papers which were to be drawn up; the terms of sale and + transfer, bounds and characteristics of the land to be conveyed; and + engaged in the discussion of the various topics which were involved in + these transactions, with as keen a sense of business, I suspect, as any + among them. The habit of suppressing my feelings availed me sufficiently + under the present circumstances. Kingsley said nothing on the subject of + yesterday's adventure, nor was I in the mood to refer to it. With some + effort I was cheerful; spoke freely of indifferent topics, and pleased + myself with the idea of my own firmness, while persuading my hearers of my + good humor and my legal ability. I do not deny that I paid for these + proofs of stoicism. Who does not? There is no such thing as suppressing + passions which are already in action—at least, there is no such + thing as suppressing them long. If the summer tempest keeps off to-day it + will come to-morrow, and its force and volume is always in due proportion + to the delay in its utterance. The solitudes of the forest heard my groans + and agonies when man did not—and the venom which I kept from my + lips, overflowed and poisoned the very sources of life and happiness + within my heart. + </p> + <p> + I gave the letter to Julia without a word. She did not look at me while + extending the hand to receive it, and hurried to her chamber without + breaking the seal. I watched her departing form with a vague, painful + emotion of inquiry, such as would possess the bosom of one, looking on a + dear object, with whom he felt that a disruption was hourly threatened of + every earthly tie. That day she ate no dinner. Her brow was clouded + throughout the meal. Edgerton was present, seemingly as well as at his + first arrival. I had learned casually from Mrs. Porterfield that he had + been in our little parlor all the morning; while another remark from the + good old lady gave me a new idea of the employment of my wife. + </p> + <p> + “This writing,” said she, addressing the latter, “does your eyes no good. + Indeed they look as if you had been crying over your task.” + </p> + <p> + “What writing?” I asked, looking at Julia, She blushed, but said nothing, + and the blush passed off, leaving the sadness more distinct than ever. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, she has been writing whole sheets for the last two mornings. I went + in this morning to bring her out to assist me in entertaining Mr. + Edgerton, who looked so lonesome; and I do assure you I thought at first, + from the quantity of writing, that you had given her some of your + law-papers to do. The table was covered with it.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed!” said I—“this must be looked into. It will not do for the + wife to take the husband's business from him. It looks mischievous, Mrs. + Porterfield—there's something wrong about it.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed there must be, Mr. Clifford, for only see how very sad it makes + her. I declare, she looks this last few weeks like a very different woman. + She does nothing now but mope. When she first came here she seemed to me + so cheerful and happy.” + </p> + <p> + All this was so much additional wormwood to my bitter. The change in + Julia, which had even struck this blind old lady, corresponded exactly + with the date of Edgerton's arrival. When I saw the earnest tenderness in + his countenance as he watched her, while Mrs. Porterfield was speaking, I + ceased to feel any sympathy for the intense sadness which I yet could not + but see in hers. I turned away, and leaving the table soon after, went to + our chamber, but the traces of writing were no longer to be seen. The + voluminous manuscripts had all been carefully removed. I was about to + leave the chamber when Julia met me at the door. + </p> + <p> + “Come back; sit with me,” she said. “Why do you go off in such a hurry + always? Once it was not so, Edward.” + </p> + <p> + “What! are you for the honeymoon again?” + </p> + <p> + “Do not smile so, and speak so irreverently!” she said, with a reproachful + earnestness that certainly seemed to me very strange, thinking of her as I + did. My evil spirit was silent. He lacked readiness to account for it. But + he was not unadroit, and moved me to change the ground. + </p> + <p> + “But what long writing is this, Julia?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! you are curious?” + </p> + <p> + “Scarcely.” + </p> + <p> + “TELL me that you are?” + </p> + <p> + “What! at the expense of truth?” + </p> + <p> + “No! but to gratify my desire. I hoped you were; but, curious or not, it + is for you.” + </p> + <p> + “Let me see it, then.” + </p> + <p> + “Not yet; it is not ready.” + </p> + <p> + “What! shall there be more of it?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, a good deal.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! but why take this labor? Why not tell me what you have to say?” + </p> + <p> + “I wish I could, but I can not. You do not encourage me.” + </p> + <p> + “What encouragement do you wish to speak to your husband?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, much! Stay with me, dear husband.” + </p> + <p> + “That will keep you from your writing.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah! perhaps it will render it unnecessary.” + </p> + <p> + “At all events it will keep me from mine;” and I prepared to go. She put + her hand upon my shoulder—looked into my eyes pleadingly—hers + were dewy wet—and spoke:— + </p> + <p> + “Do not go-stay with me dear husband, do stay. Stay only for half an + hour.” + </p> + <p> + Why did I not stay? I should ask that question of myself in vain. When the + heart grows perverse, it acquires a taste for wilfulness. I, myself, + longed to stay; could I have been persuaded that she certainly desired it, + I should have found my sweetest pleasure in remaining. But there was the + rub—that doubt! all that she said, looked, did, seemed, through the + medium of the blind heart, to be fraudulent. + </p> + <p> + “She would disguise her anxiety, that you should be gone. Leave her, and + in twenty minutes she and Edgerton will be together.” + </p> + <p> + Such was the whisper of my demon. I did leave her. I went forth for an + hour into the woods—returned suddenly and found them together! They + were playing chess, Mrs. Porterfield, with all her spectacles, watching + the game. I did not ask, and did not know, till afterward, that the + express solicitation of the old lady had drawn her from her chamber, and + placed her at the table. The conjecture of the evil spirit proved so far + correct, and this increased my confidence in his whispers. Alas! how + readily do we yield our faith to the spirit of hate! how slow to believe + the pure and gentle assurances of love! + </p> + <p> + Three days passed after this fashion. Edgerton no longer expressed + indisposition, yet he made no offer to depart. I took care that neither + word nor action should remind him of his trespass. I gave the parties + every opportunity, and exhibited the manner of an indifference which was + free from all disquiet—all suspicion. The sadness, meanwhile, + increased upon the countenance of Julia. She gazed at me in particular + with a look of earnestness amounting to distress. This I ascribed to the + strength of her passions. There was even at moments a harshness in her + tones when addressing me now, which was unusual to her. I found some + reason for this, equally unfavorable to her fidelity. After dinner I said + to Edgerton:— + </p> + <p> + “You are scarcely strong enough for a bout at the bottle. I take wine with + Kingsley this afternoon. He has commissioned me to ask you.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare not venture, but that should not keep you away.” + </p> + <p> + “It will not,” I said indifferently. + </p> + <p> + “Thank him for me, if you please, but tell him it will not do for one so + much an invalid as myself.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good!” and I left him, and joined Kingsley. The business of this + friend being now in a fair train for final adjustment, he was preparing + for his return to Texas. He had not been at my lodgings since Edgerton's + arrival in M—, but we had seen each other, nevertheless, almost + every day at his or at my office. Our afternoon was rather merry than + cheerful. Heaven knows I was in no mood to be a bon compagnon, but I took + sufficient pains that Kingsley should not suspect I had any reasons for + being otherwise. I had my jest—I emptied my bottle—I said my + good things, and seemed to say them without effort. Kingsley, always + cheerful and strong-minded, was in his best vein, and mingling wit and + reflection happily together, maintained the ball of conversation with + equal ease and felicity. He had the happy knack of saying happy things + quietly—of waiting for, and returning the ball, without running + after it. At another time, I should have been content simply to have + provoked him. Now, I was quite too miserable not to seek employment; and + to disguise feelings, which I should have been ashamed to expose, I + contrived to take the lead and almost grew voluble in the frequency of my + utterance. Perhaps, if Kingsley failed in any respect as a philosopher, it + was in forbearing to look with sufficient keenness of observation into the + heart of his neighbor. He evidently did not see into mine. He was deceived + by my manner. He credited all my fun to good faith, and gravely pronounced + me to be a fortunate fellow. + </p> + <p> + “How?” I demanded with a momentary cessation of the jest. His gravity and—to + me—the strange error in such an observation—excited my + curiosity. + </p> + <p> + “In your freedom from jealousy.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! that, eh? But why should I be jealous?' + </p> + <p> + “It is not exactly why a man should be jealous—but why, knowing what + men are, usually, that you are not. Nine men in ten would be so under your + circumstances?” + </p> + <p> + “How, what circumstances?” + </p> + <p> + “With Edgerton in your house—evidently fond of your wife, you leave + them utterly to themselves. You bring him into your house unnecessarily, + and give him every opportunity. I still think you risk everything + imprudently. You may pay for it.” + </p> + <p> + I felt a strange sickness at my heart. I felt that the flame was beginning + to boil up within me. The perilous turning-point of passion—the + crisis of strength and endurance—was at hand My eyes settled + gloomily upon the table. I was silent longer than usual. I felt THAT, and + looked up. The keen glance of Kingsley was upon me. It would not do to + suffer him to read my feelings. I replied with some precipitation:— + </p> + <p> + “I see, Kingsley, you are not cared of your prejudices against Edgerton.” + </p> + <p> + “I am not—I have seen nothing to cure me. But my prejudice against + him, has nothing to do with my opinion of your prudence. Were it any other + man, the case would be the same.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, but I do not think it so clear that Edgerton loves my wife more + than is natural and proper.” + </p> + <p> + “Of the naturalness of his love I say nothing—perhaps, nothing could + be more natural. But that he does love her, and loves her as no married + woman should be loved, by another than her husband, is clear enough.” + </p> + <p> + “Suppose, then, it be as you say! So long as he does nothing improperly, + there is nothing to be said. There is no evil.” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, but there is evil. There is danger.” + </p> + <p> + “How? I do not see.” + </p> + <p> + “Suppose your wife makes the same discovery which other persons have made? + Suppose she finds out that Edgerton loves her?” + </p> + <p> + “Well—what then?” + </p> + <p> + “She can not remain uninfluenced by it. It will affect her feelings + sensibly in some way. No creature in the world can remain insensible to + the attachment of another.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! Why, agreeable to that doctrine, there could be no security from + principle. There could be no virtue certain—nay, not even love.” + </p> + <p> + “Do not mistake me. When I say SHE would be influenced—I do not mean + to say that she would be so influenced as to requite the illicit + sentiment. Far from it. But she must pity or she must scorn. She may + despise or she may deplore. In either case her feelings would be aroused, + and in either case would produce uneasiness if not unhappiness. I KNOW, + Clifford, that your wife perceives the passion of Edgerton—I am + confident, also, that it has influenced her feelings. What may be the + sentiment produced by this influence I do not pretend to say. I would not + insinuate that it is more than would be natural to the breast of any + virtuous woman. She may pity or she may scorn—she may despise or she + may deplore. I know not. But, in either case, I regard your bringing + Edgerton into the house and conferring upon him so many opportunities, as + being calculated either to make yourself or your wife miserable. In either + event you have done wrong. Look to it—remedy it as soon as you can.” + </p> + <p> + My face burned like fire. My eyes were fixed upon the table. I dared not + look upon my companion. When I spoke, I felt a choking difficulty in my + utterance which compelled me to speak loud to be understood, and which yet + left my speech thick, husky, and unnatural. + </p> + <p> + “Say no more, Kingsley. What you have said disturbs me Nay, I acknowledge, + I have been disturbed before. Perhaps, indeed, I know more than yourself. + Time will show. At all events, be sure of one thing. These opportunities, + if what you say be true, afford an ordeal through which it is necessary + that the parties should now go—if it be only to afford the necessary + degree of relief to my mind. Enough has been seen to excite suspicion—enough + has been done, you yourself think, to awaken the feelings of my wife. + Those feelings must now be tried. Opportunity will do this. She must go + through the trial. I am not blind as you suppose. Nay, I am watchful, and + I tell you, Kingsley, that the time approaches when all my doubts must + cease one way or the other.” + </p> + <p> + “But I still think, Clifford—” he began. + </p> + <p> + “No more, Kingsley. I tell you, matters must go on. Edgerton can now only + be driven from my house by my wife. If she expels him, I shall be too + happy not to forgive him. But if she makes it necessary that the expulsion + shall be effected by my hands, and with violence—God have mercy upon + both of them for I shall not. Good night!” + </p> + <p> + “But why will you go? Stay awhile longer. Be not rash—do nothing + precipitately, Clifford.” + </p> + <p> + I smiled bitterly in replying:— + </p> + <p> + “You need not fear me. Have I not proved myself patient—patient + until you pronounced me cold and indifferent? Why should you suppose that, + having waited and forborne so long I should be guilty of rashness now? No, + Kingsley! My wife is very dear to me—how dear I will not say; I will + be deliberate for her sake—for my own. I will be sure, very sure—quite + sure;—but, once sure!—Good night.” + </p> + <p> + Kingsley followed me to the door. His last injunctions exhorted me to + forbearance and deliberation. I silenced them by a significant repetition + of the single words, “Good night—good night!” and hurried, with + every feeling of anxiety and jealousy awakened, in the direction of my + cottage. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0046" id="link2HCH0046"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVI. — THE UNBRIDLED MADNESS. + </h2> + <p> + The night did not promise to be a good one. The clouds were scudding + wildly from east to west. The air was moist and chill. There was no light + from moon or stars, and I strode with difficulty, though still rapidly, + through the unpaved streets. I was singularly and painfully excited by the + conversation with Kingsley. My own experience before, had prepared me to + become so, with the slightest additional provocation. Facts were rapidly + accumulating to confirm my fears, and lessen my doubts. That dark, meaning + letter of Mrs. Delaney! The adventure in the streamlet.—The scream—the + look—the secrecy! What a history seemed to be compressed in these + few topics. + </p> + <p> + I hurried forward—I was now among the trees. I had almost to grope + my way, it was so dark. I was helped forward by some governing instincts. + My fiend was busy all the while. I fancied, now, that there was something + exulting in his tone. But he drove me forward without forbearance. I felt + that these clouds in the sky—this gloom and excitement in my heart—were + not for nothing. Every gust of wind brought to me some whisper of fear; + and there seemed a constant murmur among the trees—one burden—whose + incessant utterance was only shame and wo. How completely the agony of + one's spirit sheds its tone of horror upon the surrounding world. How the + flowers wither as our hearts wither—how sickly grows sunlight and + moonlight, in our despair—how lonely and utter sad is the breath of + winds, when our bosoms are about to be laid bare of hope and sustenance by + the brooding tempest of our sorrows. + </p> + <p> + I had a terrible prescience of some dreadful experience which awaited me + as I drove forward. Obstructions of tree and shrub, and tangled vines, + encountered me, but did not long arrest, and I really felt them not. I put + them aside without a consciousness. + </p> + <p> + At length a glimmering light informed me I was near the cottage. I could + see the heavy dark masses of foliage that crowded before the entrance. The + light was in the parlor. There was also one in the room of Mrs. + Porterfield. Ours, which was on the same floor with hers, was in darkness. + I never experienced sensations more like those of a drunken man than when, + working my way cautiously among the trees, I approached the window. The + glasses were down, possibly in consequence of the violence of the gust. + But there was one thing unusual. The curtains were also down at both + windows. These curtains were half-curtains only. They fell from the upper + edge of the lower sash, and were simply meant to protect the inmates from + the casual glance of persons in front. The house was on an elevation of + two or three feet from the ground. It was impossible to see into the + apartment unless I could raise myself at least that much above my own + stature. I looked around me for a stump, bench, block—anything; but + there was nothing, or in the darkness I failed to find it. To clamber up + against the side of the house would have disturbed the inmates. I ascended + a tree, and buried within its leaves, looked directly into the apartment. + </p> + <p> + They were together! alone!—at the eternal chess! Julia sat upon the + sofa. Edgerton in front of her. A small table stood between them. I had + arrived at an opportune moment. Julia's hand was extended to the board. I + saw the very piece it rested upon. It was the white queen; but, just at + that moment—nothing could be more clearly visible—the hand of + Edgerton was laid upon hers. She instantly withdrew it, and looked upward. + Her face was the color of carnation—flushed—so said my demon, + with the overwhelming passions in her breast. The next moment the table + was thrust aside—the chess-men tumbled upon the floor, and Edgerton + kneeling before my wife had grasped her about the waist, and was dragging + her to his knee. + </p> + <p> + I saw no more. A sudden darkness passed over my eyes. A keen, quick, + thrilling pang went through my whole frame, and I fell from the tree, upon + the earth below, in utter unconsciousness. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0047" id="link2HCH0047"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVII. — FATAL SILENCE. + </h2> + <p> + Strange and cruel destiny! When everything depended upon my firmness, I + was overwhelmed by feebleness. It seemed as if I had not before believed + that this terrible moment of confirmation would come. And yet, if anybody + could have been prepared for such a discovery, I should have been. I had + brooded over it for months. A thousand times had my imagination pictured + it to me in the most vivid and fearful aspect. I fancied that I should + have been steeled by conviction against every other feeling but that of + vengeance. But in reality, my hope was so sanguine, my love for Julia so + fervent, I did not, amidst all my fears, really believe that such a thing + could ever prove true. All my boasted planning and preparation, and + espionage, had only deceived myself. I believed, at worst, that Julia + might be brought to love William Edgerton,—but that he would presume + to give utterance to his love, and that she would submit to listen, was + not truly within my belief. I had not been prepared for this, however + much, in my last interview with Kingsley, I had professed myself to be. + </p> + <p> + But had she submitted? That was still a question. I had seen nothing + beyond what I have stated. His audacious hand had rested upon hers—his + impious arm had encircled her waist, and then my blindness and darkness + followed. I was struck as completely senseless, and fell from the tree + with as little seeming life, as if a sudden bullet had traversed my heart. + </p> + <p> + In this state I lay. How long I know not—it must have been for + several hours. I was brought to consciousness by a sense of cold. I was + benumbed—a steady rain was falling, and from the condition of my + clothes, which were completely saturated, must have been falling for some + time previous. I rose with pain and difficulty to my feet. I was still as + one stunned and stupified, by one of those extremes of suffering for which + the overcharged heart can find no sufficient or sufficiently rapid method + of relief. When I rose, the light was no longer in the parlor. The parties + were withdrawn. + </p> + <p> + Horrible thought! That I should have failed at that trying moment. I knew + everything—I knew nothing. It was still possible that Julia had + repulsed him. I had seen HIS audacity only—was it followed by HER + guilt? How shall that be known? I could answer this question as Kingsley + would have answered it. + </p> + <p> + “If your wife be honest, she must now reveal the truth. She can no longer + forbear. The proceeding of Edgerton has been too decided, and she shares + his guilt if she longer keeps it secret. The wife who submits to this form + of insult, without seeking protection where alone it may be found, clearly + shows that the offence is grateful to her—that she deems it no + insult.” + </p> + <p> + That, then, shall be the test! So I determined. Edgerton must be punished. + There is no escape. But for her—if she does not seek the earliest + occasion to reveal the truth, she is guilty beyond doubt—doomed + beyond redemption. + </p> + <p> + I entered the house with difficulty. I was as feeble as if I had been + under the hands of the physician for weeks. A light was burning on the + staircase. I took it and went into the parlor, which I narrowly examined. + There were no remaining proofs of the late disorder. The table was set + against the wall. The chess-men were all gathered up, and neatly put away + in the box, which stood upon the mantel. + </p> + <p> + “There is proof of coolness and deliberation here!” I muttered to myself, + as I took my way up-stairs. When I entered my chamber, I felt a pang, the + fore-runner of a spasm. I had been for several years afflicted with these + spasms, in great or small degree. They marked every singular mental + excitement under which I labored. It was no doubt one of these spasms + which had seized and overpowered me while I sat within the tree. Never + before had I suffered from one so severe; but the violence of this was + naturally due to the extreme of agony—as sudden as it was terrible—which + seized upon my soul. My physician had provided me with a remedy against + these attacks to which I was accustomed to resort. This, though a potent + remedy, was also a potent poison. It was a medicine called the hydrocyanic + or prussic acid. Five minims was a dose, but two drops were death. I went + to the medicine-case which stood beneath the head of the bed, with the + view to getting out the vial; but my wife started up eagerly as I + approached, and with trembling accents, demanded what was the matter. She + saw me covered with mud and soaking with water. I told her that I had got + wet coming homeward and had slipped down the hill. + </p> + <p> + “Why did you stay so late—why not come home sooner, dear husband?” + </p> + <p> + “Hypocrite!” I muttered while stooping down for the chest. + </p> + <p> + “You are sick—you have your spasms!” she now said, rising from the + bed and offering to measure the medicine. This she had repeatedly done + before; but I was not now willing to trust her. Doubts of her fidelity led + to other doubts. + </p> + <p> + “If she is prepared to dishonor, she is prepared to destroy you!” said my + familiar. + </p> + <p> + This suggestion seized upon my brain, and while I measured out the minims, + the busy fiend reminded me that I grasped the bane as well as the antidote + in my hand. A stern, a terrible image of retributive justice presented + itself before my thoughts. The feeling of an awful necessity grew strong + within me. “Shall the adulterer alone perish? Shall the adultress escape?” + The fiend answered with tremulous but stern passion—“She shall + surely die!” + </p> + <p> + “If she reveals not the truth in season,” I said in my secret soul; “if + she claims not protection at my hands against the adulterer, she shall + share his fate!” and with this resolve, even at the moment when I was + measuring the antidote for myself, I resolved that the same vial should + furnish the bane for her! + </p> + <p> + The medicine relieved me, though not with the same promptness as usual. I + looked at the watch and found it two o'clock. My wife begged me to come to + bed, but that was impossible. I proceeded to change my garments. By the + time that I had finished, the rain ceased, the stars came out, the morning + promised to be clear. I determined to set forth from my office. I had no + particular purpose; but I felt that I could not meditate where she was. + She continually spoke to me—always tenderly and with great + earnestness. I pleaded my spasms as a reason for not lying down. But I + lingered. I was as unwilling to go as to stay. I longed to hear her + narrative; and, once or twice, I fancied that she wished to tell me + something. But she did not. I waited till near daylight, in order that she + should have every opportunity, but she said little beyond making + professions of love, and imploring me to come to bed. + </p> + <p> + In sheer despair, at last, I went out, taking my pistol-case, unperceived + by her, under my arm. I went to my office where I locked it up. There I + seated myself, brooding in a very whirlwind of thought, until after + daylight. + </p> + <p> + When the sun had risen, I went to a man in the neighborhood who hired out + vehicles. I ordered a close carriage to be at my door by a certain hour, + immediately after breakfast. I then despatched a note to Kingsley, saying + briefly that Edgerton and myself would call for him at nine. I then + returned home. My wife had arisen, but had not left the chamber. She + pleaded headache and indisposition, and declined coming out to breakfast. + She seemed very sad and unhappy, not to say greatly disquieted—appearances + which I naturally attributed to guilt. For—still she said nothing. I + lingered near her on various small pretences in the hope to hear her + speak. I even made several approaches which, I fancied, might tend to + provoke the wished-for revelation. Indeed, it was wished for as ardently + as ever soul wished for the permission to live—prayed for as + sincerely as the dying man prays for respite, and the temporary remission + of his doom. + </p> + <p> + In vain! My wife said little, and nothing to the purpose. The moments + became seriously short. Could she have anything to say? Was it possible + that, being innocent, she should still lock up the guilty secret in her + bosom? She could not be innocent to do so! This conclusion seemed + inevitable. In order that she should have no plea of discouragement, I + spoke to her with great tenderness of manner, with a more than usual + display of feeling. It was no mere show. I felt all that I said and + looked. I knew that a trying and terrible event was at hand—an event + painful to us both—and all my love for her revived with tenfold + earnestness. Oh! how I longed to take her into my arms, and warn her + tenderly of the consequences of her error; but this, of course, was + impossible. But, short of this, I did everything that I thought likely to + induce her confidence. I talked familiarly to her, and fondly, with an + effort at childlike simplicity and earnestness, in the hope that, by thus + renewing the dearest relations of ease and happiness between us, she + should be beguiled into her former trusting readiness of speech. She met + my fondnesses with equal fondness. It seemed to give her particular + pleasure that I should be thus fond. In her embrace, requiting mine, she + clung to me; and her tears dropping warm upon my hands, were yet attended + by smiles of the most hearty delight. A thousand times she renewed the + assurances of her love and attachment—nay, she even went so far as + tenderly to upbraid me that our moments of endearment were so few;—yet, + in spite of all this, she still forbore the one only subject. She still + said nothing; and as I knew how much she COULD say and ought to say, which + she did not say, I could not resist the conviction that her tears were + those of the crocodile, and her assurances of love the glozing + commonplaces of the harlot. + </p> + <p> + In silence she suffered me to leave her for the breakfast-table. She + looked, it is true—but what had I to do with looks, however earnest + and devoted? I went from her slowly. When on the stairs, fancying I had + heard her voice, I returned, but she had not called me. She was still + silent. Full of sadness I left her, counting slowly and sadly every step + which I took from her presence. + </p> + <p> + Edgerton was already at table. He looked very wretched I observed him + closely. His eye shrunk from the encounter of mine. His looks answered + sufficiently for his guilt. I said to him:— + </p> + <p> + “I have to ride out a little ways in the country this morning, and count + upon your company. I trust you feel well enough to go with me? Indeed, it + will do you good.” + </p> + <p> + Of course, my language and manner were stripped of everything that might + alarm his fears. He hesitated, but complied. The carriage was at the door + before we had finished breakfast; and with no other object than simply to + afford her another opportunity for the desired revelation, I once more + went up to my wife's chamber. Here I lingered fully ten minutes, affecting + to search for a paper in trunks where I knew it could not be found. While + thus engaged I spoke to her frequently and fondly. She did not need the + impulse to make her revelation, except in her own heart. The occasion was + unemployed. She suffered me once more to depart in silence; and this time + I felt as if the word of utter and inevitable wo had been spoken. The hour + had gone by for ever. I could no longer resist the conviction of her + shameless guilt. All her sighs and tears, professions of love and + devotion, the fond tenacity of her embrace, the deep-seated earnestness + and significance in her looks—all went for nothing in her failure to + utter the one only, and all-important communication. + </p> + <p> + Let no woman, on any pretext, however specious, deceive herself with the + fatal error, that she can safely harbor, unspoken to her husband, the + secret of any insult, or base approach, of another to herself! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0048" id="link2HCH0048"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLVIII. — TOO LATE! + </h2> + <p> + Edgerton announced himself to be in readiness, and, at the same time, + declared his intention to withdraw at once from our hospitality and return + to his old lodging-house. He had already given instructions to his servant + for the removal of his things. + </p> + <p> + “What!” I said with a feeling of irony, which did not make itself apparent + in my speech—“you are tired of our hospitality, Edgerton? We have + not treated you well, I am afraid.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he muttered faintly, “too well. I have every reason to be gratified + and grateful. No reason to complain.” + </p> + <p> + He forced himself to say something more by way of acknowledgment; but to + this I gave little heed. We drove first to Kingsley's, and took him up; + then, to my office, where I got out, and, entering the office, wrapped up + my pistol-case carefully in a newspaper, so that the contents might not be + conjectured, and bringing it forth, thrust it into the boot of the + carriage. + </p> + <p> + “What have you got there?” demanded Kingsley. “Something for digestion,” + was my reply. “We may be kept late.” + </p> + <p> + “You are wise enough to be a traveller,” said Kingsley; and without + further words we drove on. I fancied that when I put the case into the + vehicle, Edgerton looked somewhat suspicious. That he was uneasy was + evident enough. He could not well be otherwise. The consciousness of guilt + was enough to make him so; and then there was but little present sympathy + between himself and Kingsley. + </p> + <p> + I had already given the driver instructions. He carried us into the + loneliest spot of woods some four miles from M——, and in a + direction very far from the beaten track. + </p> + <p> + “What brings you into this quarter?” demanded Kingsley. “What business + have you here?” + </p> + <p> + “We stop here,” I said as the carriage drove up. “I have some land to + choose and measure here. Shall we alight, gentlemen?” + </p> + <p> + I took the pistol-case in my hands and led the way. They followed me. The + carriage remained. We went on together several hundred yards until I + fancied we should be quite safe from interruption. We were in a dense + forest. At a little distance was a small stretch of tolerably open pine + land, which seemed to answer the usual purposes. Here I paused and + confronted them. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Kingsley,” I said without further preliminaries, “I have taken the + liberty of bringing you here, as the most honorable man I know, in order + that you should witness the adjustment of an affair of honor between Mr. + Edgerton and myself.” + </p> + <p> + As I spoke I unrolled the pistol-case. Edgerton grew pale as death, but + remained silent. Kingsley was evidently astonished, but not so much so as + to forbear the obvious answer. + </p> + <p> + “How! an affair of honor? Is this inevitable—necessary, Clifford?” + </p> + <p> + “Absolutely!” + </p> + <p> + “In no way to be adjusted?” + </p> + <p> + “In but one! This man has dishonored me in the dearest relations of my + household.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! can it be?” + </p> + <p> + “Too true! There is no help for it now. I am dealing with him still as a + man of honor. I should have been justified in shooting him down like a dog—as + one shoots down the reptile that crawls to the cradle of his children. I + give him an equal chance for life.” + </p> + <p> + “It is only what I feared!” said Kingsley, looking at Edgerton as he + spoke. + </p> + <p> + The latter had staggered back against a tree. Big drops of sweat stood + upon his brows. His head hung down. Still he was silent. I gave the + weapons to Kingsley, who proceeded to charge them. + </p> + <p> + “I will not fight you, Clifford!” exclaimed the criminal with husky + accents. + </p> + <p> + “You must!” + </p> + <p> + “I can not—I dare not—I will not! You may shoot me down where + I stand. I have wronged you. I dare not lift weapon at your breast.” + </p> + <p> + “Wretch! say not this!” I answered. “You must make the atonement.” + </p> + <p> + “Be it so! Shoot me! You are right! I am ready to die.” + </p> + <p> + “No, William Edgerton, no! You must not refuse me the only atonement you + can make. You must not couple that atonement with a sting. Hear me! You + have violated the rites of hospitality, the laws of honor and of manhood, + and grossly abused all the obligations of friendship. These offences would + amply justify me in taking your life without scruple, and without exposing + my own to any hazard. But my soul revolts at this. I remember the past—our + boyhood together—and the parental kindness of your venerated parent. + These deprive me of a portion of that bitterness which would otherwise + have moved me to destroy you. Take the pistol. If life is nothing to you, + it is as little to me now. Use the privilege which I give you, and I shall + be satisfied with the event.” + </p> + <p> + He shook his head while he repeated:— + </p> + <p> + “No! I can not. Say no more, Clifford. I deserve death!” + </p> + <p> + I clapped the pistol to his head. He folded his arms, lifted his eyes, and + regarded me more steadily than he had done for months before. Kingsley + struck up nay arm, as I was cocking the weapon. + </p> + <p> + “He must die!” I exclaimed fiercely. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, that is certain!” replied the other. “But I am not willing that I + should be brought here as the witness to a murder. If he will fight you, I + will see you through. If he will not fight you, there needs no witness to + your shooting him. You have no right, Clifford, to require this of me.” + </p> + <p> + “You are not a coward, William Edgerton?” + </p> + <p> + “Coward!” he exclaimed, and his form rose to its fullest height, and his + eye flashed out the fires of a manhood, which of late he had not often + shown. + </p> + <p> + “Coward! No! Do I not tell you shoot? I do not fear death. Nay, let me say + to you, Clifford, I long for it. Life has been a long torture to me—is + still a torture. It can not now be otherwise. Take it—you will see + me smile in the death agony.” + </p> + <p> + “Hear me William Edgerton, and submit to my will. You know not half your + wrong. You drove me from my home—my birthplace. When I was about to + sacrifice you for your previous invasion of my peace in C—, I looked + on your old father, I heard the story of his disappointment—his + sorrows—and you were the cause. I determined to spare you—to + banish myself rather, in order to avoid the necessity of taking your life. + You were not satisfied with having wrought this result. You have pursued + me to the woods, where my cottage once more began to blossom with the + fruits of peace and love. You trample upon its peace—you renew your + indignities and perfidies here. You drive me to desperation and fill my + habitation with disgrace. Will you deny me then what I ask? Will you + refuse me the atonement—any atonement—which I may demand?” + </p> + <p> + “No, Clifford!” he replied, after a pause in which he seemed subdued with + shame and remorse. “You shall have it as you wish. I will fight you. I am + all that you declare. I am guilty of the wrong you urge against me. I knew + not, till now, that I had been the cause of your flight from C—. Had + I known that!” + </p> + <p> + Kingsley offered him the pistol. + </p> + <p> + “No!” he said, putting it aside. “Not now! I will give you this atonement + this afternoon. At this moment I can not. I must write. I must make + another atonement. Your claim for justice, Clifford, must not preclude my + settlement of the claims of others.” + </p> + <p> + “Mine must have preference!” + </p> + <p> + “It shall! The atonement which I propose to make shall be, one of + repentance. You would not deny me the melancholy privilege of saying a few + last words to my wretched parents?” + </p> + <p> + “No! no! no!” + </p> + <p> + “I thank you, Clifford. Come for me at four to my lodgings—bring Mr. + Kingsley with you. You will find me ready to atone, and to save you every + unnecessary pang in doing so.” + </p> + <p> + This ended our conference. Kingsley rode home with him, while, throwing + myself upon the ground, I surrendered myself to such meditations as were + natural to the moods which governed me. They were dark and dismal enough. + Edgerton had avowed his guilt. Could there be any doubt on the subject of + my wife's? He had made no sort of qualification in his avowal of guilt, + which might acquit her. He had evidently made his confession with the + belief that I was already in possession of the whole truth. One hope alone + remained—that my wife's voluntary declaration would still be + forthcoming. To that I clung as the drowning man to his last plank. When + Kingsley and Edgerton first left me, I had resolved to waste the hours in + the woods and not to return home until after my final meeting in the + afternoon with the latter. It might be that I should not return home then, + and in such an event I was not unwilling that my wife should still live, + the miserable thing which she had made herself. But, with the still fond + hope that she might speak, and speak in season, I now resolved to return + at the usual dinner hour; and, timing myself accordingly, I prolonged my + wanderings through the woods until noon. I then set forward, and reached + the cottage a little sooner than I had expected. + </p> + <p> + I found Julia in bed. She complained of headache and fever. She had + already taken medicine—I sat beside her. I spoke to her in the + tenderest language. I felt, at the moment when I feared to lose her for + ever, that I could love nothing half so well. I spoke to her with as much + freedom as fondness; and, momently expecting her to make the necessary + revelation, I hung upon her slightest words, and hung upon them only to be + disappointed. + </p> + <p> + The dinner hour came. The meal was finished. I returned to the chamber, + and once more resumed my place beside her on the couch. I strove to + inspire her with confidence—to awaken her sensibilities—to + beguile her to the desired utterance, but in vain. Of course I could give + no hint whatsoever of the knowledge which I had obtained. After that, her + confession would have been no longer voluntary, and could no longer have + been credited. + </p> + <p> + Time sped—too rapidly as I thought. Though anxious for vengeance, I + loved her too fondly not to desire to delay the minutes in the earnest + expectation that she would speak at last. She did not. The hour approached + of my meeting with Edgerton; and then I felt that Edgerton was not the + only criminal. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Porterfield just then brought in some warm tea and placed it on the + table at the bed head. After a few moments delay, she left us alone + together. The eyes of my wife were averted. The vial of prussic acid stood + on the same table with the tea. I rose from the couch, interposed my + person between it and the table—and, taking up the poison, + deliberately poured three drops into the beverage. I never did anything + more firmly. Yet I was not the less miserable, because I was most firm. My + nerve was that of the executioner who carries out a just judgment. This + done, I put the vial into my pocket. Julia then spoke to me. I turned to + her with eagerness. I was prepared to cast the vessel of tea from the + window. It was my hope that she was about to speak, though late, the + necessary truths. But she only called to me to know if I had been to my + office during the morning. + </p> + <p> + “Not since nine o'clock,” was my answer. “Why?” + </p> + <p> + “Nothing. But are you going to your office now, dear husband?” + </p> + <p> + “Not directly. I shall possibly be there in the course of the afternoon. + What do you wish? Why do you ask?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, nothing,” she replied; “but I will tell you to-morrow why I ask.” + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow!—tell me now, if it be anything of moment. Now! now is + the appointed time!” The serious language of Scripture, became natural to + me in the agonizing situation in which I stood. + </p> + <p> + “No! no! to-morrow will do. I will not gratify your curiosity. You are too + curious, husband” and she turned from me, smiling, upon the couch. + </p> + <p> + I felt that what she might tell me to-morrow could have nothing to do with + the affair between herself and Edgerton. THAT could be no object for jest + and merriment. I turned from her slowly, with a feeling at my heart which + was not exactly madness—for I knew then what I was doing—but + it was just the feeling to make me doubtful how long I should be secure + from madness. + </p> + <p> + “To-morrow will not do” I muttered to myself as I descended the stairs. + “Too late!—too late!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0049" id="link2HCH0049"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XLIX. — SUICIDE. + </h2> + <p> + From the cottage I proceeded to Kingsley's. He was in readiness, and + waiting me. We drove directly to Edgerton's lodging-house, the appointed + hour of four being at hand. Kingsley only alighted from the carriage, and + entered the dwelling. He was absent several minutes. When he returned, he + returned alone. + </p> + <p> + “Edgerton is either asleep or has gone out. His room-door is locked. The + landlord called and knocked, but received no answer. He lacks manliness, + and I suspect has fled. The steamboat went at two.” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible!” I exclaimed, leaping from the carriage. “I know Edgerton + better. I can not think he would fly, after the solemn pledge he gave me.” + </p> + <p> + “You have only thought too well of him always,” said the other, as we + entered the house. + </p> + <p> + “Let us go to the room together,” I said to the landlord. “I fear + something wrong.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, so do I,” responded the publican. “The poor gentleman has been + looking very badly, and sometimes gets into a strange wild taking, and + then he goes along seeing nobody. Only last Saturday I said to my old + woman, as how I thought everything warn't altogether right HERE,”—and + the licensed sinner touched his head with his fore-finger, himself looking + the very picture of well-satisfied sagacity. We said nothing, but leaving + the eloquence to him, followed him up to Edgerton's chamber. I struck the + door thrice with the butt end of my whip, then called his name, but + without receiving any answer. Endeavoring to look through the key-hole, I + discovered the key on the inside, and within the lock. I then immediately + conjectured the truth. William Edgerton had committed suicide. + </p> + <p> + And so it was. We burst the door, and found him suspended by a silk + handkerchief to a beam that traversed the apartment. He had raised himself + upon a chair, which he had kicked over after the knot had been adjusted. + Such a proceeding evinced the most determined resolution. + </p> + <p> + We took him down with all despatch, but life had already been long + extinct. He must have been hanging two hours. His face was perfectly livid—his + eyeballs dilated—his mouth distorted—but the neck remained + unbroken. He had died by suffocation. I pass over the ordinary proceedings—the + consternation, the clamor, the attendance of the grave-looking gentlemen + with lancet and lotion. They did a great deal, of course, in doing + nothing. Nothing could be done. Then followed the “crowner's” inquest. A + paper, addressed to the landlord, was submitted to them, and formed the + burden of their report. + </p> + <p> + “I die by my own hands,” said this document, “that I may lose the sense of + pain, bodily and mental. I die at peace with the world. It has never + wronged me. I am the source of my own sorrows, as I am the cause of my own + death. I will not say that I die sane. I am doubtful on that head. I am + sure that I have been the victim of a sort of madness for a very long + time. This has led me to do wrong, and to meditate wrong—has made me + guilty of many things, which, in my better moments of mind and body, I + should have shrunk from in horror. I write this that nobody may be + suspected of sharing in a deed the blame of which must rest on my head + only.” + </p> + <p> + Then followed certain apologies to the landlord for having made his house + the scene of an event so shocking. The same paper also conveyed certain + presents of personal stuff to the same person, with thanks for his + courtesy and attention. An adequate sum of money, paying his bill, and the + expenses of his funeral, was left in his purse, upon the paper. + </p> + <p> + Kingsley assumed the final direction of these affairs; and having seen + everything in a fair way for the funeral, which was appointed to take + place the next morning, he hurried me away to his lodging-house. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0050" id="link2HCH0050"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER L. — CONFESSION OF EDGERTON. + </h2> + <p> + When within his chamber, he carefully fastened the door and placed a + packet in my hands. + </p> + <p> + “This is addressed to you,” he said. “I found it on the table with other + papers, and seeing the address, and fearing that if the jury laid eyes on + it, they might insist on knowing its contents, I thrust it into my pocket + and said nothing about it there. Read it at your leisure, while I smoke a + cigar below.” + </p> + <p> + He left me, and I opened the seal with a sense of misgiving and + apprehension for which I could not easily account. The outer packet was + addressed to myself. But the envelope contained several other papers, one + of which was addressed to his father; another—a small billet, + unsealed—bore the name of my wife upon it. + </p> + <p> + “That,” I inly (sic) muttered, “she shall never read!” + </p> + <p> + An instant after, I trembled with a convulsive horror, as the demon who + had whispered in my ears so long, seemed to say, in mocking accents:— + </p> + <p> + “Shall not! Ha! ha! She can not! can not!” and then the fiend seemed to + chuckle, and I remembered the insuppressible anguish of Othello's + apostrophe, to make all its eloquence my own. I murmured audibly:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My wife! my wife! What wife?—I have no wife! + Oh, insupportable—oh, heavy hour!” + </pre> + <p> + My eyes were blinded. My face sunk down upon the table, and a cold shiver + shook my frame as if I had an ague. But I recovered myself when I + remembered the wrongs I had endured—her guilt and the guilt of + Edgerton. I clutched the papers—brushed the big drops from my + forehead, and read. + </p> + <p> + “Clifford, I save you guiltless of my death. You would be less happy were + my blood upon your hands, for, though I deserve to die by them, I know + your nature too well—to believe that you would enjoy any malignant + satisfaction at the performance of so sad a duty. Still, I know that this + is no atonement. I have simply ceased from persecuting you and the angelic + woman, your wife. But how shall I atone for the tortures and annoyances of + the past, inflicted upon you both? Never! never! I perish without hope of + forgiveness, though, here, alone with God, in the extreme of mortal + humility, I pray for it! + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps, you know all. From what escaped you this morning, it would seem + so. You knew of my madness when in C——; you know that it + pursued you here. Nothing then remains for me to tell. I might simply say + all is true; but that, in the confession of my guilt and folly, each + particular act of sin demands its own avowal, as it must be followed by + its own bitter agony and groan. + </p> + <p> + “My passion for your wife began soon after your marriage. Until then I had + never known her. You will acquit me of any deliberate design to win her + affections. I strove, as well as I could, to suppress my own. But my + education did not fit me for such a struggle. The indulgence of fond + parents had gratified all my wishes, and taught me to expect their + gratification. I could not subdue my passions even when they were + unaccompanied by any hopes. Without knowing my own feelings, I approached + your wife. Our tastes were similar, and these furnished the legitimate + excuse for frequently bringing us together. The friendly liberality of + your disposition enlarged the privileges of the acquaintance, and, without + meaning it at first, I abused them. I sought your dwelling at unsuitable + periods. Unconsciously, I did so, just at those periods when you were most + likely to be absent. I first knew that my course was wrong, by discovering + the unwillingness which I felt to encounter you. This taught me to know + the true nature of my sentiments, but without enforcing the necessity of + subduing them. I did not seek to subdue them long. I yielded myself up, + with the recklessness of insanity, to a passion whose very sweetness had + the effect to madden. + </p> + <p> + “My fondness for your wife was increased by pity. You neglected her. I was + at first indignant and hated you accordingly. But I became glad of your + neglect for two reasons. It gave me the opportunities for seeing her which + I desired, and I felt persuaded with a vain folly, that nothing could be + more natural than that she would make a comparison, favorable of course to + myself, between my constant solicitude and attention and your ungenerous + abandonment. But I was mistaken. The steady virtue of the wife revenged + the wrong which, without deliberately intending it, I practised against + the husband. When my attentions became apparent, she received me with + marked coolness and reserve; and finally ceased to frequent the atelier, + which, while art alone was my object, yielded, I think, an equal and + legitimate pleasure to us both. + </p> + <p> + “I saw and felt the change, but had not the courage to discontinue my + persecutions. My passion, and the tenacity with which it enforced its + claims, seemed to increase with every difficulty and denial. The + strangeness of your habits facilitated mine. Almost nightly I visited your + house, and though I could not but see that the reserve of your wife now + rose into something like hauteur, yet my infatuation was so great that I + began to fancy this appearance to be merely such a disguise as Prudence + assumes in order to conceal its weaknesses, and discourage the invader + whom it can no longer baffle. With this impression, I hurried on to the + commission of an offence, the results of which, though they did not quell + my desires, had the effect of terrifying them, for some, time at least, + into partial submission.” Would to God, for all our sakes, that their + submission had been final! + </p> + <p> + “You remember the ball at Mrs. Delaney's marriage? I waltzed once with + your wife that evening. She refused to waltz a second time. The privileges + of this intoxicating dance are such as could be afforded by no other + practice in social communion—the lady still preserving the + reputation of virtue. I need not say with what delight I employed these + privileges. The pressure of her arm and waist maddened me; and when the + hour grew late, and you did not appear, Mrs. Delaney counselled me to + tender my carriage for the purpose of conveying her home. I did so;—it + was refused: but, through the urgent suggestions of her mother, it was + finally accepted. I assisted her to the carriage, immediately followed, + and took my place beside her. She was evidently annoyed, and drew herself + up with a degree of lofty reserve, which, under other circumstances, and + had I been less excited than I was, by the events of the evening, would + have discouraged my presumption. It did not. I proceeded to renew those + liberties which I had taken during the dance. I passed my arm about her + waist. She repulsed me with indignation, and insisted upon my setting her + down where we were, in the unfrequented street, at midnight. This I + refused. She threatened me with your anger; and when, still deceiving + myself on the subject of her real feelings, I proceeded to other + liberties, she dashed her hand through the windows of the coach, and cried + aloud for succor. This alarmed me. I promised her forbearance, and finally + set her down, very much agitated, at the entrance of your dwelling. She + refused my assistance to the house, but fell to the ground before reaching + it. That night her miscarriage ensued, and my passions for a season were + awed into inactivity, if not silence. + </p> + <p> + “Still I could not account for her forbearance to reveal everything to + you. You were still kind and affectionate to me as ever. I very well knew + that had she disclosed the secret, you were not the man to submit to such + an indignity as that of which I had been guilty. It seems—so I infer + from what you said this morning—that you knew it all. If you did, + your forbearance was equally unexpected and merciful. Believing that she + had kept my secret, my next conclusion was inevitable. 'She is not + altogether insensible to the passion she inspires. Her strength is in her + virtues alone. Her sympathies are clearly mine!' These conclusions + emboldened me. I haunted your house nightly with music. Sheltered beneath + your trees, I poured forth the most plaintive strains which I could extort + from my flute. Passion increased the effect of art. I strove at no regular + tunes; I played as the mood prompted; and felt myself, not unfrequently, + weeping over my own strange irregular melodies. + </p> + <p> + “Your sudden determination to remove prevented the renewal of my + persecutions. I need not say how miserable I was made, and how much I was + confounded by such a determination. Explained by yourself this morning, it + is now easily understood; but, ignorant then of the discoveries you had + made—ignorant of your merciful forbearance toward my unhappy parents—for + I can regard your forbearance with respect to myself as arising only from + your consideration of them—it was unaccountable that you should give + up the prospect of fortune and honors, which success, in every department + of your business, seemed certainly to secure you. + </p> + <p> + “The last night—the eve of your departure from C—-, I resumed + my place among the trees before your dwelling. Here I played and wandered + with an eye ever fixed upon your windows. While I gazed, I caught the + glimpse of a figure that buried itself hurriedly behind the folds of a + curtain. I could suppose it to be one person only. I never thought of you. + Urged by a feeling of desperation, which took little heed of consequences, + I clambered up into the branches of a pride of India, which brought me + within twenty feet of the window. I distinctly beheld the curtain ruffled + by the sudden motion of some one behind it. I was about to speak—to + say—no matter what. The act would have been madness, and such, + doubtless, would have been the language. I fortunately did not speak. A + few moments only had elapsed after this, when I heard a few brief words, + spoken in HER voice, from the same window. The words were few, and spoken + in tones which denoted the great agitation of the speaker. These apprized + me of my danger. + </p> + <p> + “'Fly, madman, for your life! My husband is on the stairs.' + </p> + <p> + “Her person was apparent. Her words could not be mistaken though spoken in + faint, feeble accents. At the same moment I heard the lower door of the + dwelling unclose, and without knowing what I did or designed, I dropped + from the tree to the ground. To my great relief, you did not perceive me. + I was fortunately close to the fence, and in the deepest shadow of the + tree. You hurried by, within five steps of me, and jumped the fence, + evidently thinking to find me in the next enclosure. Breathing freely and + thankfully after this escape, I fled immediately to the little boat in + which I usually made my approaches to your habitation on such occasions; + and was in the middle of the lake, and out of sight, long before you had + given over your fruitless pursuit. The next day you left the city and I + remained, the wasted and wasting monument of pas sions which had been as + profitlessly as they were criminally exercised. + </p> + <p> + “You were gone;—you had borne with you the object of my devotion; + but the passion remained and burnt with no less frenzy than before. You + were not blind to the effect of this frenzy upon my health and + constitution. You saw that I was consuming with a nameless disease. + Perhaps you knew the cause and the name, and your departure may have been + prompted by a sentiment of pity for myself, in addition to that which you + felt for my unhappy parents. If this be so—and it seems probable—it + adds something to the agony of life—it will assist me in the work of + atonement—it will better reconcile me to the momentary struggle of + death. + </p> + <p> + “My ill health increased with the absence of the only object for whom + health was now desirable. To see her again—to the last—for I + now knew that that last could not be very remote—was the great + desire of my mind. Besides, strange to say, a latent hope was continually + rising and trembling in my soul. I still fancied that I had a place in the + affections of your wife. You will naturally ask on what this hope was + founded. I answer, on the supposition that she had concealed from you the + truth on the subject of my presumptuous assault upon her; and on those + words of warning by which she had counselled me to fly from your pursuit + on that last night before you left the city. These may not be very good + reasons for such a hope, but the faith of the devotee needs but slight + supply of aliment; and the fanaticism of a flame like mine needs even + less. A whisper, a look, a smile—nay, even a frown—has many a + time prompted stronger convictions than this, in wiser heads, and firmer + hearts than mine. + </p> + <p> + “My father counselled me to travel, and I was only too glad to obey his + suggestions. He prescribed the route, but I deceived him. Once on the + road, I knew but one route that could do me good, or at least afford me + pleasure. I pursued the object of my long devotion. Here your conduct + again led me astray. I found you still neglectful of your wife. Still, you + received me as if I had been a brother, and thus convinced me that Julia + had kept my secret. In keeping it thus long I now fancied it had become + hers. I renewed my devotions, but with as little profit as before. She + maintained the most rigid distance, and I grew nervous and feeble in + consequence of the protracted homage which I paid, and the excitement + which followed from this homage. You had a proof of this nervousness and + excitement in the incident which occurred while crossing the stream let. I + extended her my hand to assist her over, and scarcely had her fingers + touched mine, when I felt a convulsion, and sunk, fainting and hopelessly + into the stream. {Footnote: An incident somewhat similar to this occurs in + the Life of Petrarch, as given by Mrs. Dobson, but the precise facts are + not remembered, and I have not the volume by me} Conscious of nothing + besides, I was yet conscious of her screams. This tender interest in my + fate increased my madness. It led to a subsequent exhibition of it which + at length fully opened my eyes to the enormity of my offence. + </p> + <p> + “You blindly as I then thought, took me to your dwelling as if I had been + a brother. Ah! why? If I was mad, Clifford, your madness was not less than + mine. It was the blindest madness if not the worst. The progress of my + insanity was now more rapid than ever. I fancied that I perceived signs of + something more than coldness between yourself and wife. I fancied that you + frowned upon her; and in the grave, sad, speaking looks which she + addressed to you, I thought I read the language of dislike and defiance. + My own attentions to her were redoubled whenever an opportunity was + afforded me; but this was not often. I saw as little of her while living + in your cottage as I had seen before, and, but for the good old lady, Mrs. + Porterfield, I should probably have been even less blessed by her + presence. She perceived my dullness, and feeble health, and dreaming no + ill, insisted that your wife should assist in beguiling me of my + weariness. She set us down frequently at chess, and loved to look on and + watch the progress of the game. + </p> + <p> + “She did not always watch, and last night, while we played together, in a + paroxysm of madness, I proceeded to those liberties which I suppose + provoked her to make the revelation which she had so long forborne. My + impious hands put aside the board, my arms encircled her waist; while, + kneeling beside her, I endeavored to drag her into my embrace. She + repulsed me; smote me to her feet with her open palm; and spurning me + where I lay grovelling, retired to her chamber. I know not what I said—I + know not what she answered—yet the tones of her voice, sharp with + Horror and indignation, are even now ringing in my ears! + </p> + <p> + “Clifford, I have finished this painful narration. I have cursed your home + with bitterness, yet I pray you not to curse me! Let me implore you to ask + for merciful forbearance from her, to whom I feel I have been such a sore + annoyance—too happy if I have not been also a curse to her. What I + have written is the truth—sadly felt—solemnly spoken—God + alone being present while I write, while death lingers upon the threshold + impatient till I shall end. I leave a brief sentence, which you may or may + not, deliver to your wife. You will send the letter to my father. You will + see me buried in some holy inclosure; and if you can, you will bury with + my unconscious form, the long strifes of feeling which I have made you + endure, and the just anger which I have awakened in your bosom. Farewell!—and + may the presiding spirit of your home hereafter, be peace and love!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0051" id="link2HCH0051"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LI. — DOUBTS—SUMMONS. + </h2> + <p> + The billet which was addressed to my wife was in the following language:—“Lady, + on the verge of the grave, having sincerely repented of the offense I have + given you, I implore you to pity and to pardon. A sense of guilt and shame + weighs me down to earth. You can not apply a harsher judgment to my + conduct than I feel it deserves; but I am crushed already. You will not + trample the prostrate. In a few hours my body will be buried in the dust. + My soul is already there. But, though writhing, I do not curse; and still + loving, I yet repent. In my last moments I implore you to forgive! + forgive! forgive!” + </p> + <p> + This was all, and I considered the two documents with keen and conflicting + feelings. There was an earnestness—a sincerity about them, which I + could not altogether discredit. He had freely avowed his own errors; but + he had not spoken for hers. I did not dare to admit the impression which + he evidently wished to convey of her entire innocence, not only from the + practices, but the very thoughts of guilt. It is in compliance with a + point of honor that the professed libertine yet endeavors to excuse and + save the partner of his wantonness. In this light I regarded all those + parts of his narrative which went to extenuate her conduct. There was one + part of her conduct, indeed, which, as it exceeded his ability to account + for, was beyond his ability to excuse—namely, her strange + concealment of his insolence. This was the grand fault which, it appeared + to me, was conclusive of all the rest. It was now my policy to believe in + this fault wholly. If I did not, where was I? what was my condition?—my + misery? + </p> + <p> + I sat brooding, with these documents open before me on the table, when + Kingsley tapped at the door. I bade him enter, and put the papers in his + hands. He read them in silence, laid them down without a word, and looked + me with a grave composure in the face. + </p> + <p> + “What do you think of it?” I demanded. + </p> + <p> + “That he speaks the truth,” he replied. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, no doubt—so far as he himself is concerned.” + </p> + <p> + “I should think it all true.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed! I think not.” + </p> + <p> + “Why do you doubt, and what?” + </p> + <p> + “I doubt those portions in which he insists upon my wife's integrity.” + </p> + <p> + “Wherefore?” + </p> + <p> + “There are many reasons; the principal of which is her singular + concealment of the truth. She suffers a strange man to offend her virtue + with the most atrocious familiarities, and says nothing to her husband, + who, alone, could have redressed the wrong and remedied the impertinence.” + </p> + <p> + “That certainly is a staggering fact.” + </p> + <p> + “According to his own admission, she warns him to fly from the wrath of + her husband, to which his audacity had exposed him—warns him, in her + night-dress, and from the window of her chamber.” + </p> + <p> + “True, true! I had forgotten that.” + </p> + <p> + “Look at all the circumstances. He haunts the house—according to his + own showing, persecutes her with attentions, which are so marked, that, + when he finds her husband ignorant of them, leads him to the conclusion—which + is natural—that they are not displeasing to the wife. He avails + himself of the privileges of the waltz, at the marriage of Mrs. Delaney, + to gratify his lustful anticipations. He presses her arm and waist with + his d——d fingers. Rides home with her, and, according to his + story, takes other liberties, which she baffles and sets aside. But, mark + the truth. Though she requires him to set her down in the street—though + she makes terms for his forbearance—a wife making terms with a + libertine—yet he evidently sees her into the house, and when she is + taken sick, hurries for the mother and the physician. He tells just enough + of the story to convict himself, but suppresses everything which may + convict her. How know I that this resistance in the carriage was more than + a sham? How know I that he did not attend her in the house? That they did + not dabble together on their way through the dark piazza—along the + stairs?—Nay, what proof is there that he did not find his way, with + polluting purpose, into the very chamber?—that chamber, from which, + not three weeks after, she bade him fly to avoid my wrath! What makes her + so precious of his life—the life of one who pursues her with lust + and dishonor—if she does not burn with like passions? But there is + more.” + </p> + <p> + Here I told him of the letter of Mrs. Delaney, in which that permanent + beldame counsels her daughter, less against the passion itself, than + against the imprudent exhibition of it. It was clear that the mother had + seen what had escaped my eyes. It was clear that the mother was convinced + of the attachment of the daughter for this man. Now, the attachment being + shown, what followed from the concealment of the indignities to which + Edgerton had subjected her, but that she was pleased with them, and did + not feel them to be such. These indignities are persevered in—are + frequently repeated. Our footsteps are followed from one country to + another. The husband's hours of absence are noted. His departure is the + invariable signal for them to meet. They meet. His hands paddle with hers; + his arms grasp her waist. True, we are told by him, that she resists; but + it is natural that he should make this declaration. Its truth is combated + by the fact that, of these insults, SHE says nothing. That fact is + everything. That one fact involves all the rest. The woman who conceals + such a history, shares in the guilt. + </p> + <p> + Kingsley assented to these conclusions. + </p> + <p> + “Yet,” he said, “there is an air of truthfulness about these papers—this + narrative—that I should be pleased to believe, even if I could not;—that + I should believe for your sake, Clifford, if for no other reason. + Honestly, after all you have said and shown—with all the unexplained + and perhaps unexplainable particulars before me, making the appearances so + much against her—I can not think your wife guilty. I should be sorry + to think so.” + </p> + <p> + “I should now be sorry to think otherwise,” I said huskily. I thought of + that poisonous draught. I thought with many misgivings, and trembled where + I sat. + </p> + <p> + “You surprise me to hear you speak so. Surely, Clifford, you love your + wife!” + </p> + <p> + “Love her!” I exclaimed; I could say no more. My sobs choked my utterance. + </p> + <p> + “Nay, do not give up,” he said tenderly. “Be a man. All will go well yet. + The facts are anything but conclusive. These papers have a realness about + them, which have their weight against any suspicions, however strong. + Remember, these are the declarations of a dying man! Surely, all minor + considerations of policy would give way at such a moment to the + all-important necessity of speaking the truth. Besides, there is one + consideration alone, to which we have made no reference, which yet seems + to me full of weight and value. Edgerton could scarcely have been + successful in his designs upon your wife. He was in fact dying of the + disappointment of his passions. They could not have been gratified. + Success takes an exulting aspect. He was always miserable and wo-begone—always + desponding, sad, unhappy, from the first moment when this passion began, + to the last.” + </p> + <p> + “Guilt, guilt, nothing but guilt!” + </p> + <p> + “No, Clifford, no!—The guilt that works so terribly upon conscience + as to produce such effects upon the frame, inevitably leads to repentance. + Now, we find that Edgerton pursued his object until he was detected.” + </p> + <p> + I shook my head. + </p> + <p> + “Do not steel yourself against probabilities, my dear fellow,” said + Kingsley. + </p> + <p> + “Proofs against probabilities always!” + </p> + <p> + “No! none of these are proofs except the papers you have in your hands, + and the imperfect events which you witnessed. I am so much an admirer of + your wife myself, that I am ready to believe this statement against the + rest; and to believe that, however strange may have been her conduct in + some respects, it will yet be explained in a manner which shall acquit her + of misconduct. Believe me, Clifford, think with me—” + </p> + <p> + “No! no! I can not—dare not! She is a—” + </p> + <p> + “Do not! Do not! No harsh words, even were it so! She has been your wife. + She should still be sacred in your eyes, as one who has slept upon your + bosom.” + </p> + <p> + “A traitress all the while, dreaming of the embraces of another.” + </p> + <p> + “Clifford, what can this mean? You are singularly inveterate.” + </p> + <p> + “Should I not be so? Am I not lost—abandoned—wrecked on the + high seas of my hope—my fortunes scattered to the winds—my + wealth, the jewel which I prized beyond all beside, which was worth the + whole, gone down, swallowed up, and the black abyss closed over it for + ever?” + </p> + <p> + “We are not sure of this” + </p> + <p> + “I am!” + </p> + <p> + “No! no!” + </p> + <p> + “I am! Though she be innocent, who shall rid me of the doubt, the fear, + the ineradicable suspicion! THAT blackens all my sunlight; THAT poisons + all my peace. I can never know delight. Nay, though you proved her + innocent, it is now too late. Kingsley, by this time I have no wife!” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! Surely, Clifford, you have not—” + </p> + <p> + “Hark! Some one knocks! Again!—again!—I understand it. I know + what it means. They are looking for me. She is dead or dying. I tell you + it is quite in vain that you should argue. Above all, do not seek to prove + her innocent.” + </p> + <p> + The knocking without increased. He seized my arm as I was going forward, + and prevented me. + </p> + <p> + “Compose yourself,” he said, thrusting me into a chair. “Remain here till + I return. I will see what is wanted.” + </p> + <p> + But I followed him, and reached the door almost as soon as himself. It was + as I expected. I had been sent for. My wife was dangerously ill. Such was + the tenor of the message. More I could not learn. The servant had been an + hour in search of me. Had sought me at the office and in other places + which I had been accustomed to frequent; and I felt that after so long a + delay, there was no longer need for haste. Still, I was about to depart + with hasty footsteps. The servant was already dismissed. Kingsley grasped + my arm. + </p> + <p> + “I will go along with you.” he said; and as we went, he spoke, in low + accents, to the following effect:— + </p> + <p> + “I know not what you have done, Clifford; and there is no need that I + should know. Keep your secret. I do not think the worse of you that you + have been maddened to crime. Let the same desperation nerve you now to + sufficient composure. Beware of what you say, lest these people suspect + you.” + </p> + <p> + “And what if they do? Think you, Kingsley, that I fear? No! no! Life has + nothing now. I lost fear, and hope, and everything in her.” + </p> + <p> + “But may she not live?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I think not; the poison is most deadly. Though, even if she lives, my + loss would not be less. She ceased to live for me the moment that she + began to live for another!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0052" id="link2HCH0052"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LII. — DEATH. + </h2> + <p> + Nothing more was said until we reached the cottage. Mrs. Porterfield and + the physician met us at the entrance. We had come too late! + </p> + <p> + She was dead. They had found her so when they despatched the servant in + quest of me; but they were not certain of the fact, and the servant was + instructed to say she was only very ill. The physician was called in as + soon as possible; but had declared himself, as soon as he came, unable to + do anything for her. He had bled her; and, before our arrival, had already + pronounced upon her disease. It was apoplexy! + </p> + <p> + “Apoplexy!” I exclaimed, involuntarily. Kingsley gave me a look. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir, apoplexy,” continued the learned gentleman. “She must have had + several fits. It is evident that she was conscious after the first, for + she appears to have endeavored to reach the door. She was found at the + entrance, lying upon the floor. When I saw her, she must have been + lifeless a good hour.” {The reader will be reminded of the melancholy + details in the ease of Miss Liuulon-L. E. L.-whose fate is still a + mystery.} + </p> + <p> + He added sundry reasons, derived from her appearance, which he assured us + were conclusive on this subject; but to these I gave little heed. I did + not stop to listen. I hurried to the chamber, closed the door, and was + alone with my victim, with my wife! + </p> + <p> + My victim!—my wife! + </p> + <p> + I stood above her inanimate form. How lovely in death—but, oh! how + cold! I looked upon her pale, transparent cheeks and forehead, through + which the blue lines of veins, that were pulseless now, gleamed out, + showing the former avenues of the sweet and blessed life. I was disarmed + of my anger while I gazed. I bent down beside her, took the rigid fingers + of her hand in mine, and pressed my lips upon the bloodless but still + beautiful forms of hers. + </p> + <p> + I remembered her youth and her beauty—the glowing promise of her + mind, and the gentle temper of her heart. I remembered the dear hours of + our first communion—how pure were our delights—how perfect my + felicity. How we moved together as with one being only—beside the + broad streams of our birthplace—under the shelter of shady pines—morning, + and noon, and in the star-lighted night—never once dreaming that an + hour like this would come! + </p> + <p> + And she seemed so perfect pure, as she was so perfect lovely! Never did I + hear from her lips sentiment that was not—not only virtuous, but + delicate and soft—not only innocent but true—not only true but + fond! Alas! so to fall—so too yield herself at last! To feel the + growth of rank passion—to surrender her pure soul and perfect form + to the base uses of lust—to be no better than the silly harlot, + that, beguiled by her eager vanity, surrenders the precious jewel in her + trust, to the first cunning sharper that assails her with a smiling lie! + </p> + <p> + Oh God! how these convictions shook my frame! I had no longer strength for + thought or action. I was feebler than the child, who, lost in the woods, + struggles and sinks at last, through sheer exhaustion, into sobbing + slumber at the foot of the unfeeling tree. I did not sob. I had no tears. + But at intervals, the powers of breathing becoming choked, and my + struggles for relief were expressed in a groan which I vainly endeavored + to keep down. The sense of desolation was upon me much more strongly than + that of either crime or death. I did not so much feel that she was guilty, + as that I was alone! That, henceforth, I must for ever be alone. This was + the terrible conviction;—and oh! how lone! To lessen its pangs, I + strove to recall the fault for which she perished—to renew the + recollection of those thousand small events, which, thrown together, had + seemed to me mountains of rank and reeking evidence against her. But even + my memory failed me in this effort. All this was a blank. The few + imperfect and shadowy facts which I could recall seemed to me wholly + unimportant in establishing the truth of what I sought to believe; and I + shuddered with the horrible doubt that she might be innocent! If she were + indeed innocent, what am I? + </p> + <p> + With the desperate earnestness of the cast-away, who strives, in + mid-ocean, for the only plank which can possibly retard his doom, did I + toil to re-establish in my mind that conviction of her guilt which the + demon in my soul had made so certain by his assurances before. Alas! I had + not only lost the wife of my bosom, but its fiend also. Vainly now did I + seek to summon him back. Vainly did I call upon him to renew his arguments + and proofs! He had fled—fled for ever; and I could fancy that I + heard him afar off, chuckling with hellish laughter, over the triumphant + results of his malice. + </p> + <p> + I know not how long I hung over that silent speaker. Her pale, placid + countenance—her bloodless lips, that still seemed to smile upon me + as they had ever done before;—and that eye of speaking beauty—only + half closed—oh! what conclusive assurances did they seem to give of + that innocence which it now seemed the worst impiety to doubt! I would + have given worlds—alas! how impotent is such a speech! Death sets + his seal upon hope, and love, and endeavor; and the regrets of that + childish precipitation which has obeyed the laws of passion only, are only + so many mocking memorials of the blind heart, that jaundiced the face of + truth, and distorted all the aspects of the beautiful. + </p> + <p> + Once more I laughed—a vain hysterical laugh—the expression of + my conviction that I was self-doomed and desperate; and, writhing beside + the inanimate angel whom I then would have recalled though with all her + guilt—assuming all of it to have been true—to the arms that + wantonly cast her off for ever—I grasped the cold senseless limbs in + my embrace, and placed the drooping head once more upon the bosom where it + could not long remain! What a weight! The pulsation in my own heart + ceased, and, with a shudder, I released the chilling form from my grasp, + and found strength barely to compose the limbs once more in the bed beside + me. + </p> + <p> + I pass over the usual and unnecessary details. There was a show of inquiry + of course; but the one word of the learned young gentleman in black + silenced any further examination. It was shown to the inquest by Mrs. + Porterfield that my wife had been sick—that she was suddenly found + dead. The physician furnished the next necessary fact. I was not examined + at all, I stood by in silence. I heard the verdict—“Death by + apoplexy”—-with a smile. I was not unwilling to state the truth. Had + I been called upon I should have done so. At first I was about to proffer + my testimony, but a single sentence from the lips of Kingsley, when I + declared to him my purpose, silenced me:— + </p> + <p> + “If you are not afraid to declare your own act, you should at least + scruple to denounce her shame! She died your wife. Let that seal your + tongue. The shame would be shared between you! You could only justify your + crime by exposing hers!” + </p> + <p> + With the stern strength of desperation I stood above the grave, and heard + the heavy clod ring hollowly upon the coffin. And there closed two lives + in one. My hopes were buried there as effectually as her unconscious form. + </p> + <p> + Life is not breath simply. Not the capacity to move, and breathe, to act, + eat, drink, sleep, and say, “Thank God! we have ate, drank, and slept!” + The life of humanity consists in hope, love, and labor. In the capacity to + desire, to affect, ant to struggle. I had now nothing for which I could + hope, nothing to love, nothing to struggle for! + </p> + <p> + Yes! life has something more:—endurance! This is a part of the + allotment. The conviction of this renewed my strength But it was the + strength of desolation I I had taken courage from despair! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0053" id="link2HCH0053"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER LIII. — REVELATION—THE LETTER OF JULIA. + </h2> + <p> + It must be remembered, that, in all this time—amidst all my agonies—my + feelings of destitution and despair—I had few or no doubts of the + guilt of Julia Clifford. My sufferings arose from the love which I had + felt—the defeat of my hopes and fortune—the long struggle of + conflicting feelings, mortified pride, and disappointed enjoyment. Excited + by the melancholy spectacle before me—beholding the form of her, + once so beautiful—still so beautiful—whom I had loved with + such an absorbing passion—whom I could not cease to love—suddenly + cut off from life—her voice, which was so musical, suddenly hushed + for ever—the tides of her heart suddenly stopped—and all the + sweet waters of hope dried up in her bosom, and turned into bitterness and + blight in mine—the force of my feelings got the better of my reason, + and cruel and oppressive doubts of the justness of her doom overpowered my + soul. But, with the subsiding of my emotions, under the stern feeling of + resolve which came to my relief, and which my course of education enabled + me to maintain, my persuasions of her guilt were resumed, and I naturally + recurred to the conclusions which had originally justified me to myself, + in inflicting the awful punishment of death upon her. But I was soon to be + deprived of this justification—to be subjected to the terrible + recoil of all my feelings of justice, love, honor and manliness, in the + new and overwhelming conviction, not only that I had been premature, but + that she was innocent!—innocent, equally of thought and deed, which + could incur tire reproach of impurity, or the punishment of guilt. + </p> + <p> + Three days had elapsed after her burial, when I re-opened and re-appeared + in my office. I did not re-open it with any intention to resume my + business. That was impossible in a place, where, at every movement, the + grave of my victim rose, always green, in my sight. My purpose was to put + my papers in order transfer them to other parties, dispose of my effects, + and depart with Kingsley to the new countries, of which he had succeeded + in impressing upon me some of his own opinions. Not that these furnished + for me any attractions. I was not persuaded by any customary arguments + held out to the ambitious and the enterprising. It was a matter of small + moment to me where I went, so that I left the present scene of my misery + and over-throw. In determining to accompany him to Texas, no part of my + resolve was influenced by the richness of its soil, or the greatness of + its probable destinies. These, though important in the eyes of my friend, + were as nothing in mine. In taking that route my object was simply, TO GO + WITH HIM. He had sympathized with me, after a rough fashion of his own, + the sincerity of which was more dear to me than the roughness was + repulsive. He had witnessed my cares—he knew my guilt and my griefs—this + knowledge endeared him to me more strongly than ever, and made him now + more necessary to my affections than any other living object. + </p> + <p> + I re-opened my office and resumed my customary seat at the table. But I + sat only to ruminate upon things and thoughts which, following the track + of memory, diverted my sight as well as my mind, from all present objects. + I saw nothing before me, except vaguely, and in a sort of shadow. I had a + hazy outline of books against the wall; and a glimmering show of papers + and bundles upon the table. I sat thus for some time, lost in painful and + humiliating revery. Suddenly I caught a glimpse of a packet on the table, + which I did not recollect to have seen before. It bore my name. I + shuddered to behold it, for it was in the handwriting of my wife. This, + then, was the writing upon which she had been secretly engaged, for so + many days, and of which Mrs. Porterfield had given me the first + intimation. I remembered the words of Julia when she assured me that it + was intended for me—when she playfully challenged my curiosity, and + implored me to acknowledge an anxiety to knew the contents. The pleading + tenderness of her speech and manner now rose vividly to my recollection. + It touched me more now—now that the irrevocable step had been taken—far + more than it ever could have affected me then. Then, indeed, I remained + unaffected save by the caprice of my evil genius. The demon of the blind + heart was then uppermost. In vain now did I summon him to my relief. Where + was he? Why did he not come? + </p> + <p> + I took up the packet with trembling fingers. My nerves almost failed me. + My heart shrank and sank with painful presentiments. What could this + writing mean? Of what had Julia Clifford to write? Her whole world's + experience was contained, and acquired, in my household. The only portion + of this experience which she might suppose unknown to me was her + intercourse with Edgerton. The conclusion, then, was natural that this + writing related to this matter; but, if natural, why had I not conjectured + it before? Why, when I first heard of it, had the conclusion not forced + itself upon me as directly as it did now? Alas! it was clear to me now + that I was then blind; and, with this clearness of sight, my doubts + increased; but they were doubts of myself, rather than doubts of her. + </p> + <p> + It required an effort before I could recover myself sufficiently to break + the seal of the packet. First, however, I rose and reclosed the office. + Whatever might be the contents of the paper, to me it was the language of + a voice from the grave. It contained the last words of one I never more + should hear. The words of one whom I had loved as I could never love + again. It was due to her, and to my own heart, that she should be heard in + secret;—that her words—whether in reproach or repentance—whether + in love or scorn—should fall upon mine ear without witness, in a + silence as solemn as was that desolate feeling which now sat, like a + spectre, brooding among the ruins of my heart. + </p> + <p> + My pulses almost ceased to beat—my respiration was impeded—my + eyes swam—my senses reeled in dismay and confusion—as I read + the following epistle. Too late! too late! Blind, blind heart! And still I + was not mad!—No! no!—that would have been a mercy which I did + not merit!—that would have been forgetfulness—utter oblivion + of the woe which I can never cease to feel. + </p> + <p> + The Last Letter of Julia. + </p> + <p> + “Husband, Dear Husband! + </p> + <p> + “I write to you in fear and trembling. I have striven to speak to you, + more than once, but my tongue and strength have failed me. What I have to + tell you is so strange and offensive, and will be to you so startling, + that you will find it hard to believe me; and yet, dear husband, there is + not a syllable of it which is not true! If I knew that I were to die + to-morrow I could with perfect safety and confidence make the same + confession which I make now. But I do not wish you to take what I say on + trust; look into the matter yourself—not precipitately—above + all, not angrily—and you will see that I say nothing here which the + circumstances will not prove. Indeed, my wonder is that so much of it has + remained unknown to you already. + </p> + <p> + “Husband, Mr. Egerton deceives you—he has all along deceived you—he + is neither your friend nor mine. I would call him rather the most + dangerous enemy; for he comes by stealth, and abuses confidence, and, like + the snake in the fable, seeks to sting the very hand that has warmed him. + I know how much this will startle you, for I know how much you think of + him, and love him, and how many are the obligations which you owe to his + father. But hear me to the end, and you will be convinced, as I have been, + that, so far from your seeking his society and permitting his intimacy in + our household, you would be justified in the adoption of very harsh + measures for his expulsion—at least, it would become your duty to + inform him that you can no longer suffer his visits. + </p> + <p> + “To begin, then, dear husband. Mr. Egerton has been bold enough to speak + to me in such language, as was insulting in him to utter, and equally + painful and humiliating for me to hear. He has done this, not once, nor + twice, nor thrice, but many times. You will ask why I have not informed + you of this before; but I had several reasons for forbearing to do so, + which I will relate in the proper places. I fancied that I could + effectually repel insult of this sort without making you a party to it, + for I feared the violence of your temper, and dreaded that the + consequences might be bloodshed. I am only prompted to take a different + course now, as I find that I was mistaken in this impression—and + perceive that there is no hope of a remedy against the impertinence but by + appealing to you for protection. + </p> + <p> + “It was not long after our marriage before the attentions of Mr. Edgerton + became so particular as to annoy me; and I consulted my mother on the + subject, but she assured me that such were customary, and so long as you + were satisfied I had no reason to be otherwise. I was not quite content + with this assurance, but did not know what other course to take, and there + was nothing in the conduct of Mr. Edgerton so very marked and offensive as + to justify me in making any communication to you. What offended me in his + bearing was his fixed and continued watchfulness—the great + earnestness of his looks—the subdued tones of his voice when he + spoke to me, almost falling to a whisper, and the unusual style of his + language, which seemed to address itself to such feelings only as do not + belong to the common topics of discourse. The frequency of his visits to + the studio afforded him opportunities for indulging in these practices; + and your strange indifference to his approaches, and your equally strange + and most unkind abandonment of my society for that of others, increased + these opportunities, of which he scrupled not to take constant advantage. + I soon perceived that he sought the house only at the periods when you + were absent. He seemed always to know when this was the case; and I noted + the fact, particularly, that, if, on such occasions, you happened to + arrive unexpectedly he never remained long afterward, but took his + departure with an abruptness that, it seemed wonderful to me you should + not have perceived. Conduct so strange as this annoyed rather than alarmed + me; and it made me feel wretched, perhaps beyond any necessity for it, + when I found myself delivered up, as it were, to such persecution, by the + very person whose duty it was to preserve me, and whose own presence, + which would have been an effectual protection, was so dear to me always. + Do not suppose, dear Edward, that I mean to reproach you. I do not know + what may have been your duties abroad, and the trials which drew you so + much from home, and from the eyes of a wife who knows no dearer object of + contemplation than the form of her husband. Men in business, I know, have + a thousand troubles out of doors, which a generous sensibility makes them + studious never to bring home with them; and, knowing this, I determined to + think lovingly of you always—to believe anything rather than that + you would willingly neglect me;—and, by the careful exercise of my + thoughts and affections, as they should properly be exercised, so to + protect my own dignity and your honor, as to spare you any trouble or risk + in asserting them, and, at the same time, to save both from reproach. + </p> + <p> + “But, though I think I maintained the most rigid reserve, as well of looks + as of language, this unhappy young man continued his persecutions. In + order to avoid him, I abandoned my usual labors in the studio. From the + moment when I saw that he was disposed to abuse the privileges of + friendship, I yielded that apartment entirely to him, and invariably + declined seeing him when he visited the house in the mornings. But I could + not do this at evening; and this became finally a most severe trial, for + it so happened, that you now adopted a habit which left him entirely + unrestrained, unless in the manner of his reception by myself. You now + seldom remained at home of an evening, and thus deprived me of that + natural protector whose presence would have spared me much pain with which + I will not distress you. Ah! dearest husband, why did you leave me on such + occasions? Why did you abandon me to the two-fold affliction of combating + the approaches of impertinence, at the very moment when I was suffering + from the dreadful apprehension that I no longer possessed those charms + which had won me the affections of a husband. Forgive me! My purpose is + not to reproach, but to entreat you. + </p> + <p> + “I need not pass over the long period through which this persecution + continued. Your indifference seemed to me to give stimulus to the + perseverance of this young man. Numberless little circumstances combined + to make me think that, from this cause, indeed, he drew something like + encouragement for his audacious hopes. The strength of your friendship for + him blinded you to attentions which, it seemed to me, every eye must have + seen but yours. I grew more and more alarmed; and a second time consulted + with my mother. Her written answer you will find, marked No. 1, with the + rest of the enclosures in this envelope. She laughed at my apprehensions, + insisted that Mr. Edgerton had not transcended the customary privileges, + and intimated, very plainly as you will see, that a wife can suffer + nothing from the admiration of a person, not her husband, however + undisguised this admiration may be—provided she herself shows none + in return;—an opinion with which I could not concur, for the + conclusive reason that, whatever the world may think on such a subject, + the object of admiration, if she has any true sensibilities, must herself + suffer annoyance, as I did, from the special designation which attends + such peculiar and marked attention as that to which I was subjected. My + mother took much pains, verbally and in writing, as the within letters + will show you, to relieve me from the feeling of disquiet under which I + suffered, but without effect; and I was further painfully afflicted by the + impression which her general tone of thought forced upon me, that her + sense of propriety was so loose and uncertain that I could place no future + reliance upon her councils in relation to this or any other kindred + subject. Ah, Edward! little can you guess how lonely and desolate I felt, + when, unable any longer to refer to her, I still did not dare to look to + you. + </p> + <p> + “One opinion of hers, however, had very much alarmed me. You will find it + expressed in the letter marked No. 8, in this collection. When I + complained to her of the approaches of Mr. Edgerton, and declared my + purpose of appealing to you if they were continued, she earnestly and + expressly exhorted me against any such proceeding. She assured me that + such a step would only lend to violence and bloodshed—reminded me of + your sudden anger—your previous duel—and insisted that nothing + more was necessary to check the impertinence than my own firmness and + dignity. Perhaps this would have been enough, were it always practicable + to maintain the reserve and coldness which was proper to effect this + object, and, indeed, I could not but perceive that the effect was produced + in considerable degree by this course. Mr. Edgerton visited the house less + frequently; grew less impressive in his manner, and much more humble, + until that painful and humiliating night of my mother's marriage. That + night he asked me to dance with him. I declined; but afterward he came to + me accompanied by my mother. She whispered in my ears that I was harsh in + my refusal, and called my attention to his wretched appearance. Had I + reflected upon it then, as I did afterward, this very allusion would have + been sufficient to have determined me not to consent;—but I was led + away by her suggestions of pity, and stood up with him for a cotillion. + But the music changed, the set was altered, and the Spanish dance was + substituted in its place. In the course of this dance, I could not deceive + myself as to the degree of presumption which my partner displayed; and, + but for the appearance of the thing, and because I did not wish to throw + the room into disorder, I would have stopped and taken my seat long before + it was over. When I did take my seat, I found myself still attended by + him, and it was with difficulty that I succeeded finally in defeating his + perseverance, by throwing myself into the midst of a set of elderly + ladies, where he could no longer distinguish me with his attentions. In + the meantime you had left the room. You had deserted me. Ah! Clifford, to + what annoyance did your absence expose me that night! To that absence, do + we owe that I lost the only dear pledge of love that God had ever + vouchsafed us—and you know how greatly my own life was perilled. + Think not, dearest, that I speak this to reproach you; and yet—could + you have remained!—could you have loved, and longed to be and remain + with me, as most surely did I long for your presence only and always—ah! + how much sweeter had been our joys—how more pure our happiness—our + faith—with now—perhaps, even now—the dear angel whom we + then lost, living and smiling beneath our eyes, and linking our mutual + hearts more and more firmly together than before! + </p> + <p> + “That night, when it became impossible to remain longer without + trespassing—when all the other guests had gone—I consented to + be taken home in Mr. Edgerton's carriage. Had I dreamed that Mr. Edgerton + was to have been my companion, I should have remained all night before I + would have gone with him, knowing what I knew, and feeling the + mortification which I felt. But my mother assured me that I was to have + the carriage to myself—it was she who had procured it;—and it + was not until I was seated, and beheld him enter, that I had the least + apprehension of such an intrusion. Edward! it is with a feeling almost + amounting to horror, that I am constrained to think that my mother not + only knew of his intention to accompany me, but that she herself suggested + it. This, I say to YOU! You will find the reasons for my suspicions in the + letters which I enclose. It is a dreadful suspicion—at the expense + of one's own mother! I dare not believe in the dark malice which it + implies.—I strive to think that she meant and fancied only some + pleasant mischief. + </p> + <p> + “I shudder to declare the rest! This man, your friend—he whom you + sheltered in your bosom, and trusted beyond all others—whom you have + now taken into your house with a blindness that looks more like a delusion + of witchcraft than of friendship—this impious man, I say, dared to + wrap me in his embrace—dared to press his lips upon mine! + </p> + <p> + “My cheek even now burns as I write, and I must lay down the pen because + of my trembling. I struggled from his grasp—I broke the window by my + side, and cried for help from the wayfarers. I cried for you! But, you did + not answer! Oh, husband! where were you? Why, why did you expose me to + such indignities? + </p> + <p> + “He was alarmed. He promised me forbearance; and, convulsed with fright + and fear, I found myself within our enclosure, I knew not how; but before + I reached the cottage I became insensible, and knew nothing more until the + pangs of labor subdued the more lasting pains of thought and recollection. + </p> + <p> + “You resolved to leave our home—to go abroad among strangers, and + Oh! how I rejoiced at your resolution. It seemed to promise me happiness; + at least it promised me rescue and relief. I should at all events be free + from the persecution of this man. I dreaded the consequences, either to + you or to him-self, of the exposure of his insolence. I had resolved on + making it; and only hesitated, day by day, as my mother dwelt upon the + dangers which would follow. And when you determined on removal, it seemed + to me the most fortunate providence, it promised to spare me the necessity + of making this painful revelation at all. Surely, I thought, and my mother + said, as this will put an effectual stop to his presumption, there will be + no need to narrate what is already past. The only motive in telling it at + all would be to prevent, not to punish: if the previous one is effected by + other means, it is charity only to forbear the relation of matters which + would breed hatred, and probably provoke strife. This made me silent; and, + full of new hope—the hope that having discarded all your old + associates and removed from all your old haunts, you would become mine + entirely—I felt a new strength in my frame, a new life in my breast, + and a glow upon my cheeks as within my soul, which seemed a guaranty for a + long and happy term of that love which had begun in my bosom with the + first moments of its childish consciousness and confidence. + </p> + <p> + “But one painful scene and hour I was yet compelled to endure the night + before our departure. Mr. Edgerton came to play his flute under our + window. I say Mr. Edgerton, but it was only by a sort of instinct that I + fixed upon him as the musician. Perhaps it was because I knew not what + other person to suspect. Frequently, before this night, had I heard this + music; but on this occasion he seemed to have approached more nearly to + the dwelling; and, indeed, I finally discovered that he was actually + beneath the China-tree that stood on the south front of the cottage. I was + asleep when the music began. He must have been playing for some time + before I awakened. How I was awakened I know not; but something disturbed + me, and I then saw you about to leave the room stealthily. I heard your + feet upon the stairs, and in the next moment I discovered one of your + pistols lying upon the window-sill, just beneath my eyes. This alarmed me; + a thousand apprehensions rushed into my brain; all the suggestions of + strife and bloodshed which my mother had ever told me, filled my mind; and + without knowing exactly what I did or said, I called out to the musician + to fly with all possible speed. He did so; and after a delay which was to + me one of the most cruel apprehension, you returned in safety. Whether you + suspected, and what, I could not conjecture; but if you had any suspicions + of me, you did not seem to entertain any of him, for you spoke of him + afterward with the same warm tone of friendship as before. + </p> + <p> + “That something in my conduct had not pleased you, I could see from your + deportment as we travelled the next morning. You were sad, and very silent + and abstracted. This disappeared, however, and, day by day, my happiness, + my hope, my confidence in you, in myself, in all things, increased—and + I felt assured of realizing that perfect idea of felicity which I proposed + to myself from the moment when you declared your purpose to emigrate. Were + we not happy, husband—so happy at M——, for weeks, for + months—always, morning, noon, and night—until the reappearance + of this false friend of yours? Then, it seemed to me as if everything + changed. Then, that other friend of yours—who, though he never + treated me with aught but respect, I yet can call no friend of mine—Mr. + Kingsley, drew you away again from your home—carried you with him to + his haunts—detained you late and long, by night and day—and I + was left once more exposed to the free and frequent familiarity of Mr. + Edgerton. He renewed his former habits; his looks were more presuming, and + his attentions more direct and loathsome than ever. More than once I + strove to speak with you on this hateful subject; but it was so shocking, + and you were so fond of him, and I still had my fears! At length, moved by + compassion, you brought him to our house. Blind and devoted to him—with + a blindness and devotion beyond that which the noblest friendship would + deserve, but which renders tenfold more hateful the dishonest and + treacherous person upon whom it is thrown away—you command me to + meet him with kindness—to tend his bed of sickness—to soothe + his moments of sadness and despondency—to expose myself to his + insolence! + </p> + <p> + “Husband, my soul revolts at this charge! I have disobeyed it and you; and + I must justify myself in this my disobedience. I must at length declare + the truth. I have striven to do so in the preceding narrative. This + narrative I began when you brought this false friend into our dwelling. He + must leave it. You must command his departure. Do not think me moved by + any unhappy or unbecoming prejudices against him. My antipathies have + arisen solely from his presumption and misconduct. I esteemed him—nay, + I even liked him—before. I liked his taste for the arts, his amiable + manners, his love of music and poetry, and all those graces of the + superior mind and education, which dignify humanity, and indicate its + probable destinies. But when he showed me how false he was to a friendship + so free and confiding as was yours—when he abused my eyes and ears + with expressions unbecoming in him, and insulting and ungenerous to me—I + loathed and spurned him. While he is in your house I will strive and treat + him civilly, but do not tax me further. For your sake I have borne much; + for the sake of peace, and to avoid strife and crime, I have been silent—perhaps + too long. The strange, improper letters of my mother, which I enclose, + almost make me tremble to think that I have paid but too much deference to + her opinion. But, in the expulsion of this miserable man from your + dwelling, there needs no violence, there needs no crime! A word will + overwhelm him with shame. Remember, dear husband, that he is feeble and + sick; it is probable he has not long to live. Perform your painful duty + privily, and with all the forbearance which is consistent with a proper + firmness. In truth, he has done us no real harm. Let us remember THAT! If + anything, he has only made me love you the more, by showing so strongly + how generous is the nature which he has so infamously abused. Once more, + dear husband, do no violence. Let not our future days be embittered by any + recollections of the present. Command, compel his departure, and come home + to me, and keep with me always. + </p> + <p> + “Your own true wife, + </p> + <p> + “Julia Clifford.” + </p> + <p> + “Postscript.—I had closed this letter yesterday, thinking to send it + to your office in the afternoon. I had hoped that there would be nothing + more;—but last night, this madman—for such I must believe him + to be—committed another outrage upon my person! He has a second time + seized me in his arms and endeavored to grasp me in his embrace. O + husband!—why, why do you thus expose me? Do you indeed love me? I + sometimes tremble with a fear lest you do not. But I dare not think so. + Yet, if you do, why am I thus exposed—thus deserted—thus left + to a companionship which is equally loathsome to me and dishonoring to + you? I implore you to open your eyes—to believe me, and discard this + false friend from your dwelling and your confidence. But, oh, be merciful, + dear husband! Strike no sudden blow! Send him forth with scorn but + remember his feebleness, his family, and spare his life. I send this by + Emma. Let no one see the letters of my mother but burn them instantly. + </p> + <p> + “Your own Julia.” + </p> + <p> + And this was the writing which had employed her time for days before the + sad catastrophe! And it was for this reason that she asked, with so much + earnestness, if I had been to my office on the day when I drove Edgerton + out into the woods for the adjustment of our issue? No wonder that she was + anxious at that moment. How much depended upon that simple and ordinary + proceeding. Had I but gone that day to my office as usual!...... + </p> + <p> + There were no longer doubts. There could be none. There was now no + mystery. It was all clear. The most ambiguous portions of her conduct had + been as easily and simply explained as the rest. But it availed nothing! + The blow had fallen. I was an accursed man—truly accursed, and + miserably desolate. + </p> + <p> + I still sat, stolid, seemingly, as the insensible chair which sustained + me, when Kingsley came in. He took the papers from my unresisting hands. + He read them in silence. I heard but one sentence from his lips, and it + came from them unconsciously:— + </p> + <p> + “Poor, poor girl!” + </p> + <p> + I looked round and started to my feet. The tears were on on manly checks. + I hatched none. My eyes were dry! The fountains of tears seemed shut up, + arid and dusty. + </p> + <p> + “I must make atonement!” I exclaimed. “I must deliver myself up to + justice!” + </p> + <p> + “This is madness,” said he, seizing my arm as I was about to leave the + room. + </p> + <p> + “No: retribution only! I have destroyed her. I must make the only + atonement which is in my power. I must die!” + </p> + <p> + “What you design is none,” he said solemnly. “Your death will atone + nothing. It is by living only that you can atone!” + </p> + <p> + “How?” + </p> + <p> + “By repentance! This is the grand—the only sovereign atonement which + the spirit of man can ever make. There is no other mode provided in + nature. The laws, which would take your life, would deprive you of the + means of atonement. This is due to God; it can be performed only by living + and suffering. Life is a duty because it is an ordeal. You must preserve + life, as a sacred trust, for this reason. Even if you were a felon—one + wilfully resolving and coldly executing crime—you were yet bound to + preserve life! Throw it away, and though you comply with the demand of + social laws, you forfeit the only chance of making atonement to those + which are far superior. Rather pray that life may be spared you. It was + with this merciful purpose that God not only permitted Cain to live, but + commanded that none should slay him. You must live for this!” + </p> + <p> + “Yet I slew HER!” + </p> + <p> + He did with me as he pleased. Three days after beheld us on our way to the + rich empire of Texas—its plains, rich but barren—unstocked, + wild-running to waste with its tangled weeds—needing, imploring the + vigorous hand of cultivation. Even such, at that moment, was my heart! + Rich in fertile affections, yet gone to waste; waiting, craving, praying + for the hand of the cultivator!—Yet who now was that cultivator? + </p> + <p> + To this question the words of Kingsley, which were those of truth and + wisdom, were a sufficient answer; and evermore an echo arose as from the + bottom of my soul; and my lips repeated it to my own ears only; and but + one word was spoken; and that word was—“ATONEMENT!” + </p> + <h3> + THE END + </h3> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Confession, by W. 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