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diff --git a/old/60216-0.txt b/old/60216-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 3546a15..0000000 --- a/old/60216-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2255 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2 - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: September 1, 2019 [EBook #60216] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH YARNS WIT AND HUMOR NO 2 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - WEHMAN BROS.’ - - IRISH YARNS - - WIT AND HUMOR - - No. 2 - - [Illustration] - - PUBLISHED BY - WEHMAN BROS. - NEW YORK - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ BOOK ON - -HOW TO BECOME AN American Citizen - -PRICE 15 CENTS. - - -[Illustration] - -This new and revised edition has been compiled to the present time, -and contains valuable information for a foreigner to know before -becoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This practical volume -embraces the following, viz:—Declaration of Independence—Articles -of Confederation—Constitution of the United States—Time required to -procure residence in the United States, and the States of the United -States—Declaration of Allegiance—Proof of Residence—Admission of -Aliens—Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, District -and State Supreme Courts—Costs of Fees, etc. It is well-printed, on a -good quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, and will be sent by -mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of =15 Cents=. - -☞ Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY ORDER. - -☞ FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -IRISH YARNS - -No. 2 - - * * * * * - -ON JUDGMENT DAY. - -A certain priest and a parishioner were visiting one night and judgment -day was mentioned. - -“What d’ye mean, ‘judgment’ day?” the man inquired. - -“Judgment day,” replied the priest, “is the day when all who have -died are brought up for judgment, when their sins are judged and the -verdict—judgment—is pronounced.” - -“Aha,” exclaimed the man. “And will the A. P. A.’s be there?” - -“Yes, the A. P. A.’s will be there.” - -“Will the Ancient Order of Hibernians be there?” - -“They certainly will! Why?” - -“Well, I’m thinking there’ll be mighty little ‘judging’ done the first -few hours, thin!” - - * * * * * - -Pat—“That McGinty is a fine fellow.” - -Mick—“Is he?” - -Pat—“He is, indeed. Great friend of mine. Did you notice how heartily he -shook hands with me?” - -Mick—“I did.” - -Pat—“Great friend of mine. He wasn’t satisfied with shaking one hand, but -he grabbed hold of both.” - -Mick—“I suppose he thought his watch and chain would be safer that way.” - - * * * * * - -EASY FOR PADDY. - -At a political meeting an Irishman watched closely the trombone player -in the band. Presently the man laid down his instrument and went out for -a beer. Paddy investigated, and promptly pulled the horn to pieces. The -player returned. “Who’s meddled mit my drombone?” he roared. “Oi did,” -said Paddy. “Here ye’ve been for two hours tryin’ to pull it apart, an’ -Oi did it in wan minute!” - - * * * * * - -Mike—“What a red nose that Sweeney has.” - -“Whist, man; he spint a barrel of money to get it to the pink of -perfection.” - - * * * * * - -It was in the wilds of Tipperary, and the local and long-suffering -landlord had been ill-advised enough to ask for a bit of rent on -account—the same being some few years overdue. Roused to fury at this -unlooked-for and, in their eyes, outrageous demand, Mike and Pat decided -to “wait for” the base and greedy tyrant. And they did—behind a hedge -with a shot-gun. An hour passed. Their feet and their fingers were numbed -with the cold, and, worse than that, the dhrop or half-bottle of the -crathur was gone. - -Said Pat to Mike, in a hoarse whisper: “Shure, an’ I hope nothing can -have happened to the onfortunate gintleman!” - - * * * * * - -Not long ago a young Irishman was seeking work in western Illinois, and -among those to whom he applied was a farmer near Cairo. - -The farmer was attracted by the Celt’s frank, cheery manner, and, while -he was not in need of help, he asked, after a pause: - -“Can you cradle?” - -“Cradle!” repeated the Irishman. “Sure, I can! But, sir,” he added -persuasively, “couldn’t ye give me a job out of dures?” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy—“Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad off.” - -Mrs. Casey—“Shure, he’s good for a year yit.” - -Mrs. Murphy—“As long as that?” - -Mrs. Casey—“Yes; he’s had four different doctors, and each one uv thim -gave him three months to live.” - - * * * * * - -A Dundee shopkeeper asked an Irishman who was standing at a street corner -if he wanted a job. - -“Yes, sor,” replied the Irishman. - -“Well, now, what would you take to clear the snow away from my premises?” - -“A shovel, sor!” was the sharp reply of the Irishman. - -He got the job. - - * * * * * - -A SAVING, ANYWAY. - -O’Brien—“So the landlord lowered the rint for yez. He’ll save money at -that.” - -Casey—“How so?” - -O’Brien—“Shure, it’s less he’ll be losin’ when ye don’t pay it.” - - * * * * * - -MAKING GOOD USE OF HIM. - -An Italian organ-grinder possessed a monkey which he “worked” through -the summer months. When the cool days came his business fell off, and -he discontinued his walks and melodies. An Irishman of his acquaintance -offered him half a dollar a week for the privilege of keeping and feeding -the little beast. The bargain was made for a month. - -Great curiosity filled the mind of the Italian, and at last he went -ostensibly to see his pet, but really to find out what possible use Pat -could make of the monkey. - -The Irishman was frank. “It’s loike this,” he said. “Oi put up a pole in -the back yard, with the monkey on the top. Ten or twelve trains of cars -loaded with coal go by here every evenin’. There’s men on every car. -Every man takes a heave at the monk. Divil a wan has hit him, but Oi have -sivin tons of coal.” - - * * * * * - -PRETTY LOUD. - -An Irishman came to a doctor complaining that he had noises in his head. - -“Oi have them all the time,” he said, “an’ sometimes Oi can hear thim -fifty feet away.” - - * * * * * - -“Phwat koind av a room would yez loike to hov, sor? Oi can giv’ yez a -back room in the front av th’ house, or a front room in th’ back av -th’ house jist to suit yer inconvaynience; or Oi can giv’ yez number -sixty-six or ninety-nine, jist to suit yer inconvaynience—No. 66 is th’ -broidle chamber, but we kape th’ broidle out in th’ shtable. - -“Oi can giv’ yez another lovely room in th’ middle av the front av th’ -hotel, sor—it’s a lovely place; there do be carpet on th’ floor; air -cushion sofys an’ bir-rds-eye maple chif’niers an’ runnin’ hot an’ cold -wather passin’ th’ door, whoile th’ bath-tubs are always supplied wid -gold fish; th’ room is loighted wid indecent lamps thot are supplied wid -electricity, bur-rnin’ noight an’ day in th’ shtreet, an’ a tooth-brush -in ivery room.” - -“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a lady without!” - -“Widout phwat; widout phwat?” - -“Without here, in the hall, sir.” - -“That’s all right; show her up in th’ parlor; Oi’ll be up in a minute.” - -“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 78, says there’s bedbugs -in his bed!” - -“Phwat! Bedbugs in his bed? Go up and ask him if he wants humming bir-ds -in his bed fer a dollar a day?” - -“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 97 who says the rain came -through the skylight last night and wet him to the skin.” - -“Wet him to th’ skin; charge him 25 cents extra fer th’ bath. G’wan out -av here!” - - * * * * * - -Caller—“Your master’s not at home, eh, Pat?” - -Pat—“No, sor; he do be in the ould country these t’ree wakes, sor.” - -Caller—“Excuse me, Pat, but how is it when your mistress is on this side -of the water master’s on the other, and vice versa? Is there trouble -between them?” - -Pat—“None at all, sor; only they have agrade bechune ’em that they can -live together better when they’re apart.” - - * * * * * - -The Prisoner—“There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?” - -Officer Casey—“Phwat? Run away and never come back again? Not on your -life. You stand here and I’ll run after your hat.” - - * * * * * - -PRECAUTION. - -Mrs. Casey—“Me sister writes me that every bottle in the box we sent her -was broken. Are you sure yez printed ‘This side up with care’ on it?” - -Casey—“Oi am. An’ for fear they shouldn’t see it on the top Oi printed it -on the bottom as well.” - - * * * * * - -DANGER! - -An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest -in the other patients. - -“What are you in here for?” he asked one. - -“I’ve got tonsillitis, and I’ve got to have my tonsils cut out,” was the -answer. - -“And you?” he asked another. - -“I’ve got blood poisoning in my arm, and they are going to cut it off,” -was the reply. - -“Heavens!” said Pat, in horror, “This ain’t no place for me. I’ve got a -cold in my head.” - - * * * * * - -“Mike, did you ever catch frogs?” “Yes, sor.” “What did you bait with?” -“Bate ’em with a shtick, sor.” - - * * * * * - -People that take all things literally are apt to tread on other people’s -toes. The Irishman who walked in where he saw a sign, “Walk in,” and who -was ordered out by the lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man that -went into a pawnbroker’s shop and demanded ten dollars because there was -a placard in the window that read,“Look at this watch for ten dollars.” - -“I looked at it,” said he, “and now I want my ten dollars.” - -The most amusing incident we have heard is that of the countryman who, -while sauntering along a city street, saw a sign, “Please ring the bell -for the janitor.” - -After reflecting a few minutes he walked up and gave the bell such a pull -that it nearly came out by the roots. - -In a few minutes an angry-faced man opened the door. - -“Are you the janitor?” asked the bell-puller. - -“Yes; what do you want?” - -“I saw that notice, so I rang the bell for you, and now I want to know -why you can’t ring the bell yourself?” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman wanted to sell a dog, but the prospective buyer was -suspicious, and finally decided not to buy. The man then told him why he -was anxious to sell. “You see,” said he, “I bought the dog and thrained -him myself. I got him so he’d bark all the time if a person stepped -inside the gate, and I thought I was safe from burglars. Then me woife -wanted me to thrain him to carry bundles—and I did. If you put anything -into his mouth, the spalpeen’d keep it there till some one took it away. -Well one night I woke up and heard some one in the next room. I got up -and grabbed me gun. They were there, three of the blackguards and the -dog.” - -“Didn’t he bark,” interrupted the other. - -“Sorra a bark,” was the reply, “he was too busy.” - -“Busy,” asked the other, “what doing?” - -“Carrying the lantern for the burglars,” answered the Irishman. - - * * * * * - -NO NEED TO TELL. - -Casey (rolling up his sleeves)—“Did you tell Reilly Oi was a liar?” - -Murphy—“Oi did not. Oi thought he knew it!” - - * * * * * - -Paddy Dolan bought a watch from the local jeweller with a guaranty to -keep it in order for twelve months. About six months after, Paddy took it -back because it had stopped. - -“You seem to have had an accident with it,” said the jeweller. - -“A small one, sure enough, sir. About two months ago I was feeding the -pig and it fell into the trough.” - -“But you should have brought it before.” - -“Sure, your honor, I brought it as soon as I could. We only killed the -pig yesterday.” - - * * * * * - -Kathleen had been put out to service, and her mistress liked the rosy -face of the young girl. One day Kathleen was sent on an errand to town. -She was longer than usual and her mistress stood on the porch as she came -through the field. Kathleen was happy and her mistress observed: - -“Why, Kathleen, what a rosy face you have to-day! You look as if the dew -had kissed you.” - -Kathleen dropped her eyes and murmured: - -“Indeed, ma’am, but that wasn’t his name!” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman, who couldn’t read, went into a restaurant and sat down -opposite a man who had a bill of fare in his hands, and concluded -to order whatever the other man ordered in order not to betray his -disordered learning. - -Stranger—“I will have a plate of soup.” - -Pat—“Give me th’ same.” - -Stranger—“And some oysters.” - -Pat—“Give me th’ same.” - -The stranger ordered what he wanted, and Pat duplicated the order. -Finally, the stranger told the waiter to order him a bootblack. - -“Give me the same,” said Pat. - -“Won’t one do for both of you?” - -Pat answered—“No, one won’t; if he can’t eat one, I can!” - - * * * * * - -“Why did you leave your last place?” the housekeeper asked of the new -would-be cook. - -“To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn’t stand the way the master an’ the -missus used to quarrel, mum.” - -“Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?” - -“Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn’t me an’ him, it was me and her.” - - * * * * * - -A gentleman was put out of patience by some blunder of Paddy, his new -groom. - -“Look here!” he cried in his anger; “I won’t have things done in this -way. Do you think I’m a fool?” - -“I can’t say, sir,” answered Paddy; “I only came here yesterday.” - - * * * * * - -ONE OF THE SIGHTS. - -A man was visiting Ireland for the first time. In Dublin one warm -afternoon he put his handkerchief over his nose and said, in a choked -voice, “What the deuce is that?” - -“That?” said his Irish guide. “Why, that’s the river Liffey. Didn’t ye -know, man, that the smell o’ the Liffey was one o’ the sights o’ Dublin?” - - * * * * * - -A little Irishman was being examined for admission to the army. He seemed -all right in every way except one. The doctor said: “You’re a little -stiff.” - -Quickly his Irish blood mounted and he replied: “You’re a big stiff.” - - * * * * * - -NOT HIS NAME. - -In Dublin a zealous policeman caught a cab driver in the act of driving -recklessly. The officer stopped him and said: - -“What’s yer name?” - -“You’d better try to find out,” said the driver peevishly. - -“Sure, and I will,” said the policeman as he went around to the side of -the cab where the name ought to have been painted, but the letters had -been rubbed off. - -“Aha!” cried the officer. “Now ye’ll git yerself into worse disgrace than -ever. Yer name seems to be oblitherated.” - -“You’re wrong!” shouted the driver triumphantly. “’Tis O’Sullivan.” - - * * * * * - -NATURAL HISTORY. - -They were looking at the kangaroo at the zoo when an Irishman said: - -“Beg pardon, sor, phwat kind of a crature is that?” - -“Oh,” said the gentleman, “that is a native of Australia.” - -“Good hivins!” exclaimed Pat; “an’ me sister married wan e’ thim.” - - * * * * * - -A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they -said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. -He seemed to be making good, until they gradually increased the size of -his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound anvil under -each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke and the -Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and sputtering he came to the -surface. - -“T’row me a rope!” he shouted, and again sank. A second time he rose to -the surface. “T’row me a rope. I say!” he shouted again. Once more he -sank. A third time he rose struggling. - -“Say!” he spluttered angrily, “if one uv you shpalpeens don’t hurry up -an’ t’row me a rope I’m goin’ to drop one uv these damn t’ings!” - - * * * * * - -THE LAST OF THE CARRS. - -Mrs. Nora Mulvaney met her old friend, Mrs. Bridget Carr, carrying in her -arms her twelfth child. - -“Arrah, now, Bridget,” said Nora, “an’ there ye are wid another little -Carr in yer arms.” - -“Another it is, Mrs. Mulvaney,” replied her friend, “an’ I’m hopin’ ’tis -the caboose.” - - * * * * * - -Mike sat busily engaged in copying the names of the male population of -the immediate vicinity. His good wife, noting the apparent industry of -her lord, asked what he was doing. - -“Begorra, an’ it’s wroitin’ the names o’ the min phwat Oi kin lick, so Oi -am!” he exclaimed. - -A few minutes later the woman put on her shawl and went to Pat O’Leary’s -humble home, where she informed Pat that she saw his name on the list. - -Without waiting to don his coat, O’Leary sallied forth in search of Mike, -who was found still engaged at the list. - -“Moike,” said Pat, in a tone that sounded like the thunders of heaven, -“they say as how yez air makin’ a lisht o’ the felleys yez kin lick an’ -thot me name’s on it.” - -“An’ so ’tis,” retorted Mike. - -“But, rist yer sowl,” exclaimed Pat, shaking his fist close to Mike’s -proboscis, “yez can’t do it!” - -“Thin I’ll scratch yer name off,” said Mike, feebly, and he continued -adding to the list. - - * * * * * - -An old widdy woman went to the undertaker’s to order a coffin for her -deceased husband. - -“He was very, very good to me,” she said,“and I’ll have a coffin of the -best yellow pine.” - -“Yes, madam. That’ll be $14,” said the undertaker. “And what kind of -trimmings will you have on the coffin?’ ’ - -“Trimmin’s!” cried the widdy woman. “And right well ye know, ye spalpeen, -that I’ll have no trimmin’s at all, when it was the trimmin’s that the -poor lad died of, bad luck to ’em!” - - * * * * * - -Mistress—“You don’t seem to know anything about finger-bowls, Norah. Did -they not have them at the last place where you worked?” - -Maid—“No, ma’am. They usually washed themselves before they came to the -table.” - - * * * * * - -MISUNDERSTOOD. - -Silas B. Quick (marooned in small Irish hotel)—“Say! What mails d’yew get -here!” - -Pat—“Breakfast, dinner and tay, yer honor.” - - * * * * * - -Casey’s wife is anxious to be a society woman and the Ancient Order of -the Knights of the Golden Hod were going to give their annual riot—I mean -ball—and as Casey is the chief hod—I mean knight—of course he had to be -there and his wife wanted to shine—of course Casey’s a shine but—said she -to Casey: “I’m going to have a new dress for the ball. I’m going to have -the bias cut and flounced with crepe de chene and with Charlotte rucheing -around the neck—and—” - -“What are you going to have it made out of?” said Mr. Casey. - -“So that it’ll be light I’ll have it made out of cheese-cloth,” answered -Mrs. Casey. - -“Cheese-cloth?” said Casey. - -“Yis,” said Mrs. Casey—“cheese-cloth.” - -“Begorry! If you’re going to have it made out of limburger-cheese cloth -you’ll go alone,” said Mr. Casey. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Grogan—“Wake oop, ye foghorn. Oi can’t shlape a wink on account av -your shnorin’.” - -Mr. Grogan—“Ye must thry an’ get used to it, the same as I hov. Oi niver -notice it meself at all, at all.” - - * * * * * - -DIDN’T SOUND GOOD. - -Softly the nurse smoothed the sufferer’s pillow. He had been admitted -only that morning, and now he looked up pleadingly at the nurse that -stood at his bedside. - -“An’ phwat did ye say the docther’s name was, nurse, dear,” he asked. - -“Dr. Kilpatrick,” was the reply. “He’s the senior house surgeon.” - -“That settles it,” he muttered, firmly, “that docther won’t get a chanst -to operate on me.” - -“Why not?” asked the nurse in surprise. “He’s a very clever man.” - -“Tha he may be,” the patient said. “But me name happens to be Patrick.” - - * * * * * - -Patrick worked for a notoriously stingy boss and lost no chance to let -the fact be known. Once a waggish friend, wishing to twit him, remarked: - -“Pat, I heard that your boss just gave you a brand-new suit of clothes.” - -“No,” said Pat, “only par-rt of a suit.” - -“What part?” - -“The sleeves iv the vest!” - - * * * * * - -O’Brien died, and at the wake his friends got filled up with good -whiskey. They finally took O’Brien’s body down to Kelly’s saloon and sat -it in a chair at a table and drank his health. After several rounds they -left the place, forgetting O’Brien’s body, which they left sitting at the -table where they had placed it. Kelly wanted to close up, so he walked -over to O’Brien and shook him, trying to wake him up. Failing in his -efforts to arouse him, he became angry, and securing a club from behind -the bar, smashed O’Brien over the head with it. O’Brien fell to the -floor, and just at that moment his friends came back to get the corpse, -having remembered him. They pretended to be horrified, and charged Kelly -with having killed O’Brien with a club. “You’ve murdered him in cold -blood,” said one of the gang. “You’re a liar,” said Kelly, “he pulled a -razor on me first.” - - * * * * * - -OLD FRIENDS. - -“I tell you,” said Pat, “the ould friends are the best, after all, and I -can prove it.” - -“How?” - -“Where can you find a new friend that has stood by you as long as the -ould ones have?” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman went to England in search of work, and when shown his room in -the boarding-house the landlady remarked: - -“There’s your bed, Pat, and there are two more to sleep with you, but -they won’t be in till late, so don’t be alarmed.” - -“They’re welcome,” replied Pat. Before retiring Pat locked his bedroom -door and during the night he was awakened by great knocking. - -“Whose there?” asked Pat. - -“We are the lodgers. Open.” - -“No room for ye,” replied Pat. - -“How many of you are in the room?” they asked. - -“Enough,” said Pat. “There’s meself, Paddy Murphy, a man that came over -from Ireland, a man looking for work, a man with a wife and six children, -an’ a Tipperary man, too.” By this time they had fled. - - * * * * * - -“Well,” said the doctor to Pat, “did that cure for deafness really help -your brother?” - -“Arrah, sure enough,” said Pat. “He hadn’t heard a sound for years, and -the day after he took that medicine he heard from a friend in America.” - - * * * * * - -She was a sweet little thing with the most waspy of wasplike waists, and -passers-by had nothing but admiration in their eyes for her. - -But what was that? She had fainted. Tenderly they carried her into a drug -store. An Irishman who had observed the occurrence, looked in after a few -minutes, and inquired: - -“How is she now?” - -“Oh,” was the reply, “she’s coming to.” - -“Ah,” murmured the son of Erin, “come in two—has she? Poor thing! Bedad, -it’s just what I was afraid of.” - - * * * * * - -IN A HURRY. - -A traveler finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a -cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all -went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they -narrowly escaped several collisions. - -“What’s the matter?” demanded the passenger. “Why are you driving so -recklessly? I’m in no hurry.” - -“Ah, g’wan wid yez,” retorted the cabby. “D’ye think thot I’m goin’ to -put in me whole day drivin’ ye around for two hours? Gitap!” - - * * * * * - -As Paddy was jogging along one day with his ass and cart to market he was -accosted by a man having a marked Lancashire accent, who, thinking it -would be fun to have a joke at Paddy’s expense, said: - -“How much would you charge for driving me all the way to Caherciveen?” - -“Begorra, sir,” said Paddy, “I would be only too glad to drive you there, -and a long, long piece farther, for nothing, but I am afraid I can’t -oblige you this time, ’cos I don’t think the harness would fit you.” - - * * * * * - -An Englishman traveling in Kilkenny, came to a ford and hired a boat to -take him across. The water being more agitated than agreeable to him, he -asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage? - -“Niver,” replied Pat; “me brother was drowned here last week, but we -found him the next day.” - - * * * * * - -“’Ow did yer git that black eye, Pat?” - -“Oi slipped an’ fell on me back.” - -“But yer face ain’t on yer back.” - -“No—naythur was Flannigan.” - - * * * * * - -Two Irishmen, long enemies, met one day, and one of them said: “What’s -the sinse of two intilligent min goin’ along, year after year, like a -couple of wild cats spittin’ at each other? Here we live in the same -tiniment, and ’tis a burnin’ shame that we do be actin’ like a couple -of boobies. Come along wid yer and shake hands, and we’ll make up and -be friends.” Which they did, and then they went to an adjacent saloon -to cement the friendship with a glass of grog. Both stood at the bar in -silence. One looked at the other and said: “What are you thinkin’ about?” -“O’m thinkin’ the same thing that you are.” “Oh, so ye’re startin’ again, -are you?” - - * * * * * - -“Mr. Mulligan,” said Dennis, “you must have binifitted by the death of -your mother-in-law, for whom you had shmall affection while she lived.” - -“I did.” - -“What did she leave you?” - -“She left me alone—isn’t that enough?” - -“But I understand you’ve been spinding a hundred dollars, if you’ve spint -a cent, to get her out of purgatory.” - -“Whisht now, and isn’t it worth it to get her out before I get in.” - - * * * * * - -“Shure,” said Clancy, as he peeled the paper off a tomato can and threw -it to the goat; “an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans hov. Oi -wint out to this Fort Hamilton th’ other day wid Biddy boi me soide, for -Oi got to thinkin’ thot it wur th’ dooty av ivry citizen to make himself -acquainted wid all thot phwich makes his counthry great. An’ it’s barely -in the grounds we are befoor wan av thim sentries sez, sez he, ‘Who goes -there?’” - -“‘Phwere?’ I asks, turnin’ round. - -“Who goes there!” he yells wance agin wid a thrifle higher infliction. - -“‘Oi asked yez phwere?’ sez Oi wid some slight asper-ritty in me tones. - -“Now phwin he yells ‘Who goes there?’ agin it’s mad Oi got. Oi tould him -thot Oi wuz willin’ loike a gintlemon to hilp him wid his quistion, but -thot Oi didn’t see anybody goin’ there or annyphwere, an’ thot Oi thought -Oi wuz bein’ guyed, an’ afther callin’ him a sassenach Oi threatened to -divist his donkey hid av it’s ears, phwich th’ same led to a foight, an’ -the foight led me to th’ guard-house. How th’ divil wur Oi to know thot -‘Who goes there?’ means ‘Who are yez?’ - -“Shure an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans hov.” - - * * * * * - -Mike and Murphy had hired a boat for the day. All went well till the -afternoon, when, unfortunately, the boat sprang a leak and water rushed -in at a terrible rate. Murphy began bailing as hard as he could; but -looking up a moment or so later, he saw Mike apparently busy over -something else at the other end of the boat. - -“Hi, man,” he cried angrily, “what are ye doing?” - -“Shure,” said Mike, “I’m boring another hole, bedad, to let the water -out!” - - * * * * * - -TOO PREVIOUS. - -A servant went to consult a fortune-teller, and she returned wailing -dismally. - -“Did she predict some great trouble?” her mistress asked, sympathetically. - -“Och! mum, sich terrible news,” moaned Norah, rocking backward and -forward, wringing her hands. “She tould me that my father wurks hard for -a living shoveling coals and tending foires.” - -“But that’s no disgrace or sorrow,” said her mistress, a trifle vexed. - -“Och! mum, my poor father,” sobbed Norah, “he’s bin dead these noine -years!” - - * * * * * - -An amusing story of amateur sport comes from Rockville, Maryland, where -each year there is held a series of races “for all comers.” - -The sun was blazing on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all -waiting for a tall raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the -starter and get into line. - -The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. “Bring up that horse!” -he shouted. “Bring him up! You’ll get into trouble pretty soon if you -don’t!” - -The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back: “I -can’t help it. This here’s been a cab horse, and he won’t start till the -door shuts, an’ I ain’t got no door!” - - * * * * * - -GENUINE IRISH RETORT. - -At the Criminal Court, a few days since, a learned gentleman, -dissatisfied at his success with an Irish witness, complained to the -court. Paddy exclaimed, “I’m no lawyer, yer honor, and he wants to puzzle -me.” - -Counsel—“Come, now, do you swear you are no lawyer?” - -Witness—“Faith, an’ I do; and you may swear the same thing about -yourself, without fear of being liable for perjury.” - - * * * * * - -A gentleman visited the house of a friend. The butler, an Irishman, -acted very kindly toward him. He waited upon him at dinner, brushed his -clothes, and saw him into his carriage. The gentleman, who was very -miserly, never offered a tip, so, as a little reminder, Pat said to him: -“Faith, sor, if you lose your purse on the way, remember you didn’t pull -it out hereabouts.” - - * * * * * - -JUST THAT QUICK? - -Casey reached heaven in good time. - -“Hello, St. Peter,” said he, “’tis a foine job you have.” - -“Right, Casey. ’Tis a great place here. We count a million years as a -minute and a million dollars as a cent.” - -“Is that so,” said Casey, wonderingly. “Well, it’s money I need. Well you -lend me a cent, St. Peter?” - -“Sure,” replied St. Peter. “In a minute.” - - * * * * * - -Pat, who had lost his way in the mazes of a large exposition, finally -went up to one of the guards and said: - -“Will yez tell me the way to the goin’ out intrance?” - - * * * * * - -MAYBE SO. - -In an Irish court-house an old man was called into the witness box, -and being confused and somewhat near-sighted he went up the stairs -that led to the bench instead of those that led to the box. The Judge -good-humoredly said: - -“Is it a Judge you want to be, my good man?” - -“Ah, sure, yer worship,” was the reply. “I’m an old man now, and mebbe -it’s all I’m fit for.” - - * * * * * - -Not long since Norah was about to industriously swing the broom around -the parlor furniture, when she was summoned by her mistress. - -“Before you sweep the parlor, Norah,” said the mistress as the servant -girl entered the room, “I want to give you some advice about your broom.” - -“Yes, mum,” was the wondering rejoinder of Norah; “phat’s the matter wid -the broom?” - - * * * * * - -“Begorra, Moike, we can’t go down thot road.” - -“An’ whoy not, Pat?” - -“Sure, me bye, it says ‘For Pedestrians Only,’ an’ we both be Oirishmen.” - - * * * * * - -McGinty was walking along Broadway when it began to rain. In front he -thought he saw his friend Dugan, with an umbrella. - -He slapped him on the back and said, jokingly: “Halloa! Give me that -umbrella!” - -When the man turned and McGinty saw his face he realized that he was an -utter stranger. Naturally, he was embarrassed. But the other man appeared -even more surprised, and immediately handed over the umbrella. - -“I beg your pardon,” he apologized. “I didn’t know it belonged to you.” - - * * * * * - -Cassidy, a green brakeman on the Colorado Mudline was making his first -trip to Ute Pass. They were going up a very steep grade, and with unusual -difficulty the engineer succeeded in reaching the top. At the Cascade -station, looking out of his cab, the engineer saw the new brakeman and -said with a sigh of relief: - -“I tell you what, my lad, we had a job to get up there, didn’t we?” - -“Shure and we did,” said Cassidy, “and if I hadn’t put on the brakes, -we’d have slipped back.” - - * * * * * - -EITHER OR AYTHER. - -Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, stood looking at bricklayers who were working -on a building that was being erected, when the following conversation was -overheard: - -Mike—“Pat, kin yez tell me what kapes them bricks together?” - -Pat—“Sure, Mike; it’s the mortar.” - -Mike—“Not by a dom sight; that keeps them apart.” - - * * * * * - -“The noight was that dark, Moike,” said Pat, while relating a past -experience; “that no matther how far oi looked oi couldn’t see a step -ahead of me.” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Mary, we -had an awful accident on the job to-day!” - -“Was annyone hurt?” she asked. - -“Well,” he said, “there was twenty-one Eyetalians and one Irishman -killed!” - -“Well,” said she, “isn’t it too bad about the poor fellow!” - - * * * * * - -The train had stopped, and the fat old Irish woman put her head out of -the window and inquired of a young railway porter what it was stopping -for. - -The young man was inclined to be facetious. - -“Engine out late last night, ma’am,” he remarked, with a smile, “so she’s -got a thirst on her this morning; they’re giving ’er a drop o’ water.” - -“And are ye shure it’s water?” queried the dame. - -“If you’ll wait a minute I’ll inquire whether they’re givin’ ’er port -wine,” he grinned. - -“Shure, and never mind, young man, don’t be troublin’ yoursilf,” came the -answer. “I thought, perhaps, by the way we’ve been gitting along, it was -sloe gin!” - - * * * * * - -O’Donohue:—Oi got the crate of chickens you was sendin’ me allright, but -next time Oi wist ye’d fasten them up, more securely. Comin’ from the -station the damn things get out. Oi spent hours scouring the neighborhood -and thin only found tin of them. - -McGinty:—S-s-sh! Oi only sent six. - - * * * * * - -BREAKING THE NEWS. - -Pat had been delegated by his fellow employees to tell Mrs. Casey the -news of her husband’s accidental death. On the way to the Casey home, Pat -pondered on how to break the news to the widow. Finally he hit on what -seemed to him a most humane way of preparing Mrs. Casey for the sad news. - -Knowing the violent hatred which Mrs. Casey as well as all loyal Irishmen -have for the A. P. A., he said on greeting the woman: - -“Ah, Mrs. Casey, it is bad news I have to bring you. Your husband, Mike, -has turned an A. P. A.” - -“Mike turned A. P. A.! The scoundrel, I hope he is dead.” - -“He is,” answered Pat. - - * * * * * - -THEIR USE. - -“What good are the figures set down in these railway time-tables?” asked -the sarcastic and angry would-be passenger. - -“Why,” explained the genial Irish station-master, “if it weren’t for them -figures we’d have no way of findin’ out how late the trains are.” - - * * * * * - -Tom Callahan got a job on the section working for a railroad. The -superintendent told him to go along the line looking for washouts. - -“And don’t be as long-winded in your next reports as you have been in the -past,” said the superintendent; “just report the condition of the roadbed -as you find it, and don’t use a lot of needless words that are not to the -point. Write like a business letter, not like a love-letter.” - -Tom proceeded on his tour of inspection and when he reached the river, he -wrote his report to the superintendent: - -“Sir: Where the railroad was, the river is.” - - * * * * * - -An unfaithful steward had embezzled a large sum of money, and his -employer asked advice from friends as to how he should be dealt with. - -“Get rid of him at once,” advised an Englishman. “Keep him on and deduct -the sum from his wages,” said a Scotchman. - -“But,” said the landlord, “the sum he has embezzled is far bigger than -his wages.” - -“Then raise his wages,” suggested an Irishman. - - * * * * * - -A Galway man named Pat Carr was met one day by an English tourist, who -said to him: - -“What’s your name?” - -“Carr,” said Pat. - -“Well, well,” said the Englishman, “you’re the first car I ever saw going -without an ass, so you’re a great curiosity to me.” - -“Well,” said Pat, “you’re not the first ass I saw going without a car, so -you’re no curiosity to me.” - - * * * * * - -During some building operations it was necessary for the workmen to walk -across a single plank some distance from the ground. Whenever it came to -Pat’s turn, the foreman noticed that he walked across on all fours. So he -went up to Pat and asked contemptuously: - -“What’s the trouble, man? Are you afraid of walking on the plank?” - -“No, begorra,” said Pat, “but I’m afraid of walking off it.” - - * * * * * - -“What do we need for dinner, Bridget?” asked the lady of the house. - -“Shure, mum, Oi tripped over th’ cat an’ we nade a complete new set av -dishes.” - - * * * * * - -A GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEME. - -Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches -for the first time, and their captain promised them five shillings each -for every German they killed. - -Pat lay down to rest, while Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had -not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting: - -“They’re comin’! They’re comin’!” - -“Who’s comin’?” shouts Pat. - -“The Germans,” replies Mick. - -“How many are there?” - -“About fifty thousand.” - -“Begorra,” shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, “our fortune’s -made!” - - * * * * * - -Patrick had called on his Betsy and she gave him a handsome helping of -her special make of apple pie. Patrick was loud in its praise. - -“I tried a new way,” said Betsy, beaming. “I put a few gooseberries in to -flavor it.” - -“Begorra!” cried Patrick. “If a few gooseberries give so good a flavor -to an apple pie, what a darlint of an apple pie it would be made o’ -gooseberries entoirely!” - - * * * * * - -PROVED BY EXPERIMENT. - -Mouldy Mike—These ’ere newspapers is just a pack o’ lies, that’s wot they -are. - -Ragged Robert—Wot yeh been readin’. - -“I read an account of a feller from New York wot went inter a big hotel -in a small town, an’ said he wanted to buy the hotel, an’ made ’em an -offer, an’ give ’em a check wot wasn’t no good, an’ lived there a week on -the fat o’ the land ’fore he had to light out w’en the check came back, -an’ it never cost him a cent—that’s wot the paper said.” - -“Mebby that’s true.” - -“No, it ain’t.” - -“How do yer know?” - -“How do I know? Why, quick as I read it I tried it meself—an’ they kicked -me out.” - - * * * * * - -Pat, with a little bit of drink in him, was standing on the sidewalk -sneering at a Jewish peddler. The peddler stood the jeers for some time, -but Pat became too personal. - -“Don’t you know,” said the Hebrew, “that the country is financed by the -Jews?” - -“Maybe they does,” retorted Pat, “but bejabbers the Irish runs it.” - - * * * * * - -A sewerman returned home one distressingly hot day thoroughly exhausted, -to find his better-half also tired out after spending the greater part of -the day at the washtub. At the time he entered, however, she was seated, -fanning herself vigorously. “Ain’t ye got no supper?” he asked somewhat -angrily. “Supper, is it?” she asked. “Go on wid you! Me all tired out -from a hard day’s wurruk in the hate, an’ you come home an’ ask for yer -supper! Aisy indade for you all day down in a nice cool sewer!” - - * * * * * - -“Which would yez rather be in, Casey, an explosion or a collision?” asked -his friend McCarthy. - -“In a collision,” replied Casey. - -“Why?” - -“Because in a collision, there yez are; but in an explosion, where are -yez?” - - * * * * * - -“What’s your name prisoner?” - -“Casey, yer honor.” - -“Your full name.” - -“Casey, sorr, full or sober!” - - * * * * * - -“Arrah, me darlint,” cried Jamie O’Flanigan to his loquacious sweetheart, -who had given him no opportunity of even answering her remarks during a -two hours ride behind his little bay nags in his oyster wagon—“are yes -afther knowing why yer cheeks are like my ponies there?” - -“Shure, and it’s because they’re red, is it?” quoth the blushing Bridget. - -“Faith and a better reason than that, mavourneen. Because there is one of -them each side of a waggin’ tongue!” - - * * * * * - -Pat and Mike were passing the butcher’s stall, where there was a pair of -chickens for sale. - -“We’ll buy them,” said Mike, “and who ever has the best dream to-night -can cook them for himself to-morrow.” - -When they awoke that morning Pat related his dream. - -“I dreamt that angels carried me up to heaven.” - -“You’re right,” chimed Mike. “I saw you going up and thought you would -never come back, so I got up, cooked the fowls and ate them.” - - * * * * * - -IN IRELAND. - -“We never needed any of them new-fangled scales in Ireland,” said O’Hara. -“There’s an aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and -put it across a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end -of the plank and the stone on the other end, and shift the plank until -they balance. Then you guess the weight of the stone and you have the -weight of the pig.” - - * * * * * - -The Irishman announced that he was about to be married. - -“Married!” exclaimed his friend. “An old man like you?” - -“Well, you see,” the old man explained, “it’s just because I’m getting an -ould bhoy now. ’Tis a foine thing, Pat, to have a wife near ye to close -the eyes of ye when ye come to the end.” - -“Arrah, now, ye old fule!” exclaimed Pat. “Don’t be so foolish. What do -ye know about it? Close yer eyes, indade! I’ve had a couple of thim, an’, -faith, they both of thim opened mine!” - - * * * * * - -The Irishman was walking along the bank of the river. He was fuming with -rage, for that day he had a dispute with a neighbor over the ownership of -a pig. Suddenly a cry for help rent the air and, turning round, he saw a -man struggling in the water. - -Seeing Mike on the bank, the man in the water waved his hand and shouted: - -“Hey, mate, drope me a line!” - -In a flash the man on the bank recognized his adversary in the pig -dispute. Thrusting his hands in his pockets he made to resume his walk, -remarking over his shoulder: - -“Shure, but there ain’t no post offices where ye’re goin’ to!” - - * * * * * - -A ganger on one of our large lines of railways had a keen Irish wit. One -warm afternoon, while walking along the line, he found one of his men -placidly sleeping on the embankment. The “boss” looked disgustedly at the -delinquent for a full minute, and then remarked: - -“Slape on, ye lazy spalpeen, slape on, fur as long as you slape you’ve -got a job, but when you wake up you ain’t got none.” - - * * * * * - -WOULDN’T NEED TO. - -Pat walked into the Post Office. After getting into the telephone box he -called a wrong number. As there was no such number the switch attendant -did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer. - -The lady of the Post Office opened the door and told him to shout a -little louder, which he did, but still no answer. - -Again she said he would require to speak louder. - -Pat got angry at this, and, turning to the lady, said: - -“Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn’t use your bloomin’ ould -telephone at all!” - - * * * * * - -Pat had just arrived from Ireland when Mike, who had been in America for -some years, spied him. - -“Faith, Pat!” exclaimed Mike, “what are you doing over here?” - -“I’ve come over,” answered Pat, “to try if I can make an honest living.” - -“Begorra, Mike, me boy, that’s dead aisy over here, for it’s dommed -little competition you’ll have in this country.” - - * * * * * - -In the court-house an Irishman stood charged with stealing a watch from -a fellow citizen. He stoutly denied the impeachment, and brought a -counter-accusation against his accuser for assault and battery committed -with a frying-pan. The judge was inclined to take a common sense view -of the case, and regarding the prisoner, said, “Why did you allow the -prosecutor, who is a smaller man than yourself, to assault you, without -resistance? Had you nothing in your hand to defend yourself with?” -“Bedad, your honor,” answered Pat, “I had his watch, but what was that -against a frying-pan?” - - * * * * * - -Pat (reading notice on bank door)—“This bank will reopen after the -meeting of the assignees.” “Begob, it will be a long time before their -assandknees meet.” - - * * * * * - -Clancy:—Dugan ate something that poisoned him. - -Dick:—Croquette? - -Clancy:—Not yit begorra, but he’s very sick. - - * * * * * - -For three solid hours the captain had been lecturing his men on “the -duties of a soldier,” and he thought it was time to see how much they had -understood of his discourse. - -Casting his eyes round the room, he fixed on Private Murphy as his first -victim. - -“Private Murphy,” he asked, “why should a soldier be ready to die for his -country?” - -Private Murphy scratched his head for a moment and then a smile of -enlightenment crossed his face. - -“Sure, Captain,” he said, pleasantly, “you’re quite right. Why should he?” - - * * * * * - -Maggie: “What’s wrong with the car? It squeaks dreadfully.” - -Patty: “Shure and it can’t be helped; there’s pig-iron in the axles.” - - * * * * * - -Mistress: “Mary, were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last night?” - -Mary: “That’s for him to say, mum. I was doin’ the best I could with the -materials I could find.” - - * * * * * - -Pat Rooney was a new arrival on the job. Having gone to the top of the -building and failed to return, the foreman shouted up: - -“Come on, Pat, what’s keeping ye?” - -“Sure,” said Pat, “I can’t find my way down.” - -“Well, come down the way ye went up,” shouted the foreman. - -“Faith, an’ I won’t,” says Pat, “for I came up head first.” - - * * * * * - -It was during the dry spell a few months ago, and a shower having come -up, Dr. Blank remarked to his gardener, “This rain will do a lot of good, -Patrick.” - -“Ye may well say that, sorr,” returned Pat. “Shure an hour of it now will -do more good in five minutes than a month of it would do in a week at any -other time.” - - * * * * * - -REVERSED. - -Mike—“What makes you order ice cream for the first course and soup for -the last?” - -Pat—“Well, my stomach is upset, so I eat the meal backwards.” - - * * * * * - -NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. - -Pat (shyly)—I want to see some weddin’ rings. - -Jeweler—Eighteen karats? - -Pat (loudly)—No, I’ve been atin’ onions and I don’t know that it is any -of your business what I’ve been atin’. - - * * * * * - -Pat: “Phwat was the last card Oi dealt ye, Mike?” - -Mike: “A spade.” - -Pat: “Oi knew it was, Oi saw ye spit on yer hand before ye picked it up.” - - * * * * * - -“If everyone in the world was as dishonest as you are,” remarked an Irish -judge, as he addressed a swindler before him; “I don’t know what would -become of the rest of us.” - - * * * * * - -“It’s thrue,” said Paddy to Dennis one day, “it wor a grand soight. But -whoile ye’re standin’ sit down, an’ Oi’ll tell ye all about it.” - - * * * * * - -MIKE’S PRECAUTION. - -Mike—“Begorra, an’ I had to go thru the woods the other night where Casey -was murdered last year an’ that they say is haunted, an’, bedad, I walked -backward the whole way.” - -Pat—“An’ what for wuz we after doin’ that?” - -Mike—“Faith, man, so that I could see if anything wuz comin’ up behind -me.” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy: “I want to see some mirrors.” - -Shopwalker: “Hand mirrors, Madam?” - -Mrs. Murphy: “No. Some that you can see your face in.” - - * * * * * - -Patrick—“Will you marry me?” - -Intended:—“Yes, darlin’.” - -“Darlin’, why don’t you say something.” - -Patrick:—“Oi’ve said too much already.” - - * * * * * - -Mike—Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn’t got an enemy in the world. - -Pat—What did he die of? - -Mike—Oh; he wur killed in a foight. - - * * * * * - -ASPIRATION. - -An Irish mother who had occasion to reprove her eldest son exclaimed, “I -just wish that your father was at home some evening to see how you behave -yourself when he is out!” - - * * * * * - -“Good mornin’ to ye, Mrs. Cassidy. An’ is the likely lookin’ young feller -in yer third floor front a mimber of the church?” - -“Naw, Mrs. Haggerty, I’m sorry to say he ain’t. He’s just an unconfirmed -roomer.” - - * * * * * - -Pat—“An’ what did your ould woman say whin ye come in at three o’clock -this mornin’?” - -Mike—“Sure, the darlin’ soul never said a worrud. An I was goin’ to have -thim two front teeth pulled out anyway.” - - * * * * * - -Pat (going to battle): Why are you carrying that comb? - -Mike: Sur’in fate, ’tis the easiest one to part with. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy:—“Did yez hear of the awful fright Harry got on his weddin’ -day?” - -Her Husband:—“Shure, and don’t Oi know it, wasn’t Oi there—and didn’t Oi -see her.” - - * * * * * - -“This is the fourth morning you’ve been late, Bridget,” said the mistress -to her maid. - -“Shure, Ma’am,” replied Bridget, “I over-slept meself.” - -“Where is the clock I gave you?” - -“In my room ma’am.” - -“And do you set the alarm?” - -“Every night.” - -“But don’t you hear the alarm in the morning, Bridget?” - -“No ma’am, thot’s the trouble you see the thing goes off while I’m -asleep.” - - * * * * * - -Terence:—I see where Mike has married the widow, Elizabeth. - -Foley:—Shure, an’ she has two children, already. - -Maggie:—The lucky divil is what I say. - -Terence:—How so? Lucky is it? - -Maggie:—Shure, an’ by marryin’ her he has a second-hand Lizzie and two -runabouts. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Muldoon—“Do your dauter, Mary Ann, take music lessons?” - -Mrs. Mulcahy—“Yis; she took lessons on a phonygraph and she broke the -record.” - - * * * * * - -TOO MUCH WORK. - -Pat had seen nearly every clock in the place, but had discarded all of -them as not being good enough for his purpose. The weary shopman had -exhausted his whole stock, except a few cuckoo clocks, so he brought -these forward as a last resource, and vowed he would do his best to sell -one or know the reason why. - -“Do the clocks strike the hour?” asked Pat, noticing their curious shape, -and half doubting their capacity to do anything. - -“I’ll show you what they do,” said the salesman; and he set the hands -of one to a few minutes to twelve. When the little door flew open and -the cuckoo thrust his head out, cuckooing away for dear life, Pat was -thunderstruck. But when the bird disappeared he looked glum, and pondered -in gloomy thought for a moment. - -“Well, how do you like that?” asked the salesman. “That’s a staggerer for -you, isn’t it?” - -“Faith and begorra, I should think it is,” declared Pat. “It’s trouble -enough to remember to wind it, without having to think of feeding the -bird.” - - * * * * * - -The chauffeur never spoke except when addressed, but his few utterances, -given in a broad brogue, were full of wit. - -One of the men in the party remarked: “You’re a bright sort of a fellow, -and it’s easy to see that your people came from Ireland.” - -“No, sor; ye are very badly mistaken,” replied Pat. - -“What!” said the man. “Didn’t they come from Ireland?” - -“No, sor,” answered Pat, “they’re there yet.” - - * * * * * - -_Mrs. Murphy_—No, yer Reverence, Pat can’t go on that scrub-cuttin’ job -to-day—he’s in bed wid snake-bite. - -_Father O’Grady_—Save his soul! An’ so he’s been bit, eh? - -_Mrs. Murphy_—Not yet, Father; but he has drank a bottle of brandy ’n -case he might be! - - * * * * * - -ON HER CALLING LIST. - -Mrs. Flynn had just moved into the neighborhood, and an old friend -dropped in for a visit. “And are yez on callin’ terms wid yer nixt door -neighbor yet?” - -“Indade Oi am,” answered the lady. “Oi called her a thafe, an’ she called -me another!” - - * * * * * - -HEART OUT OF PLACE - -An Irishman was telling of his war wound. He said: “An’ the bullet went -in me chist here, and come out me back!” - -“But,” said his friend, “it would have gone thru your heart and killed -you.” - -“Faith, an’ me heart was in me mouth at the time!” - - * * * * * - -INTERPRETING A DREAM - -“Do ye belave in dhrames, Riley?” - -“Oi do,” was Riley’s reply. - -“Phwat’s it a sign of if a married man dhrames he’s a bachelor?” - -“It’s a sign thot he’s going to meet wid a great disappointment when he -wakes up.” - - * * * * * - -The foreman looked him up and down. - -“Are you a mechanic?” he asked. - -“No, sorr,” was the answer. “Oi’m a McCarthy.” - - * * * * * - -A PECULIAR POISON - -Professor O’Flanigan held up a small phial, and the class was silent. -“One drop of this liquid,” said he, impressively, “placed upon the tongue -of a cat is sufficient to kill the strongest man!” - - * * * * * - -For months Pat, who lived in the oil country, had been drilling -unsuccessfully in his back yard. One day his friends were astonished to -see him rush from his door cheering loudly. - -“What’s the idea, Pat?” he was asked. - -“Haven’t ye heard the good news?” - -“Good Lord! You haven’t struck oil at last, have you?” - -“No, not yet. But didn’t ye notice how the price of it went up yesterday?” - - * * * * * - -Pat and Mike were engaged in a dispute in a cemetery one day. “Well,” -said Pat, “I don’t like this cemetery at all, at all.” - -“Well,” said Mike, “I think it is a fine cemetery.” - -“No,” said Pat, “I don’t like it at all, at all, and I’ll never be buried -in it as long as I live.” - -“What an unreasonable ould fool ye are, to be sure,” said Mike, losing -his temper. “Why man alive, it is a fine cemetery, and if my life is -spared, sure I’ll be buried in it.” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman said that a friend of his had died suddenly. “Did he live -high?” he was asked. “I can’t say as to that,” replied Mike “but he died -high,—_he was hung_.” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. O’Regan—“Did yez ever hov yer palm read, Mrs. O’Reilly?” - -Mrs. O’Reilly—“Phwat a question, Mrs. O’Regan! Haven’t I had ten children -an’ had to spank all o’ thim?” - - * * * * * - -CELTIC SARCASM - -_The Mistress_—“If the eggs are to be kept fresh, you must lay them in a -cool place.” - -_The Cook_—“Oi’ll mintion it to the hens at wanst.” - - * * * * * - -AN ILLOGICAL DEDUCTION - -“Begorra,” said Patsy, “Oi couldn’t pay me five dollar foine, and Oi had -to go to gaol for six days.” - -“An’ how much did yez spend to get drunk?” asked Mike, rather -sarcastically. - -“Oh, ’bout five dollars.” - -“Yez fool, if yez had not spent yez five dollars for drink, yez’d had -five dollars to pay yer foine wid.” - - * * * * * - -IMPORTANT - -_Mrs. O’Toole_—“Phwat dy yez think, Pat? Here’s a mon mintioned in the -paper as afther shootin’ his wife and himself.” - -_Pat_—“Shure, which did he kill fust?” - - * * * * * - -CORRECT TIME. - -_Pat_—“An’ whoy do yez carry two watches?” - -_Mike_—“Faith, Oi nade wan to see how shlow th’ other wan is.” - - * * * * * - -FOLLOWING ORDERS. - -_Doctor_—“The room seems cold, Mrs. Hooligan. Have you kept the -thermometer at seventy, as I told you?” - -_Mrs. Hooligan_—“Shure, an’ Oi hov, dochtor. There’s th’ devillish thing -in a toombler av warrum wather at this blissid minnut.” - - * * * * * - -Pat Dooley went round to the cabin of Mike Doolan to pass the time of -day to him; but Mike was out. Mrs. Mike was in, boiling the praties and -trying to nurse the child at the same time. Pat, being a polite boy, -offered to dandle the baby while Mrs. Mike stirred the pot. - -In came Mike. “Good morning to you, Pat.” - -“The top of the morning to you, Mike, and how’s yourself?” - -“It’s gay and grand I am, and how are you, Pat?” - -“Just holding my own,” says Pat, tossing the child. - -And when Pat woke up, he found that he had been in the hospital for a -week. - - * * * * * - -_Private Murphy_—“Shure, wid all them women’s movements, I belave we’ll -have women soldiers by and by.” - -_Private Flannigan_—“Not a bit of it, shure, the arms that defied the -counthry will always be clothed in trousers!” - - * * * * * - -_Mike O’Mulligan_ (In hospital operating room, just recovering from -effects of chloroform)—“Och, be the powers, where am I? Where is it I am, -at all, at all?” - -_Surgeon Sawbones_ (with a wink to his assistant)—“In Heaven.” - -_Mulligan_ (looking around)—“Thin I’d like to know phwat the pair of yez -is doin’ here?” - - * * * * * - -GOOD LOGIC - -_Pat_—“I say, Mick, I’m very hard up. Can you lind me the loan of a -dollar?” - -_Mick_—“Begorro, Pat, to tell yer the thruth, I haven’t a dime on me. -Every penny I get I give to my poor old mother.” - -_Pat_—“Be jabbers, Mick, I’ve just been talking to yer mother, and she -tells me ye never give her a cent.” - -_Mick_—“Oh, well, Pat if I don’t give my poor old mother a cent, what -sort of a chance have you got of getting any?” - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning German Quickly. - -A new system, on the most simple principles for universal self-tuition, -with complete English pronunciation of every word. Next to our own, the -German language is the most prevalent in this country to-day, as a large -percentage of our population is either German or of German extraction, -therefore the German language is worth knowing. With the aid of this book -any person can acquire a thorough knowledge of the German language, as -the method for learning is so simple that a child could understand it. -Revised edition. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning French Quickly. - -Uniform with and arranged the same as the “German Quickly,” being the -easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the French -language, with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning Spanish Quickly. - -Arranged the same as the “German and French,” being the easiest method -published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the Spanish language, -with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning Italian Quickly. - -Uniform in size and style with the “German, French and Spanish,” being -the easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the -Italian language, with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised -edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning Polish Quickly. - -Uniform in size and style with the “German, French, Spanish and Italian,” -being the easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge -of the Polish language, with the English pronunciation of every word. -Revised edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York City. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH YARNS WIT AND HUMOR NO 2 *** - -***** This file should be named 60216-0.txt or 60216-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/2/1/60216/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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