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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6a087c --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #60216 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/60216) diff --git a/old/60216-0.txt b/old/60216-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 3546a15..0000000 --- a/old/60216-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2255 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2, by Anonymous - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2 - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: September 1, 2019 [EBook #60216] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH YARNS WIT AND HUMOR NO 2 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - WEHMAN BROS.’ - - IRISH YARNS - - WIT AND HUMOR - - No. 2 - - [Illustration] - - PUBLISHED BY - WEHMAN BROS. - NEW YORK - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ BOOK ON - -HOW TO BECOME AN American Citizen - -PRICE 15 CENTS. - - -[Illustration] - -This new and revised edition has been compiled to the present time, -and contains valuable information for a foreigner to know before -becoming a citizen of the land of his adoption. This practical volume -embraces the following, viz:—Declaration of Independence—Articles -of Confederation—Constitution of the United States—Time required to -procure residence in the United States, and the States of the United -States—Declaration of Allegiance—Proof of Residence—Admission of -Aliens—Questions asked (and their answers) by the United States, District -and State Supreme Courts—Costs of Fees, etc. It is well-printed, on a -good quality of paper, and bound in colored cover, and will be sent by -mail, postpaid, to any address on receipt of =15 Cents=. - -☞ Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY ORDER. - -☞ FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED. - -Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York. - - - - -IRISH YARNS - -No. 2 - - * * * * * - -ON JUDGMENT DAY. - -A certain priest and a parishioner were visiting one night and judgment -day was mentioned. - -“What d’ye mean, ‘judgment’ day?” the man inquired. - -“Judgment day,” replied the priest, “is the day when all who have -died are brought up for judgment, when their sins are judged and the -verdict—judgment—is pronounced.” - -“Aha,” exclaimed the man. “And will the A. P. A.’s be there?” - -“Yes, the A. P. A.’s will be there.” - -“Will the Ancient Order of Hibernians be there?” - -“They certainly will! Why?” - -“Well, I’m thinking there’ll be mighty little ‘judging’ done the first -few hours, thin!” - - * * * * * - -Pat—“That McGinty is a fine fellow.” - -Mick—“Is he?” - -Pat—“He is, indeed. Great friend of mine. Did you notice how heartily he -shook hands with me?” - -Mick—“I did.” - -Pat—“Great friend of mine. He wasn’t satisfied with shaking one hand, but -he grabbed hold of both.” - -Mick—“I suppose he thought his watch and chain would be safer that way.” - - * * * * * - -EASY FOR PADDY. - -At a political meeting an Irishman watched closely the trombone player -in the band. Presently the man laid down his instrument and went out for -a beer. Paddy investigated, and promptly pulled the horn to pieces. The -player returned. “Who’s meddled mit my drombone?” he roared. “Oi did,” -said Paddy. “Here ye’ve been for two hours tryin’ to pull it apart, an’ -Oi did it in wan minute!” - - * * * * * - -Mike—“What a red nose that Sweeney has.” - -“Whist, man; he spint a barrel of money to get it to the pink of -perfection.” - - * * * * * - -It was in the wilds of Tipperary, and the local and long-suffering -landlord had been ill-advised enough to ask for a bit of rent on -account—the same being some few years overdue. Roused to fury at this -unlooked-for and, in their eyes, outrageous demand, Mike and Pat decided -to “wait for” the base and greedy tyrant. And they did—behind a hedge -with a shot-gun. An hour passed. Their feet and their fingers were numbed -with the cold, and, worse than that, the dhrop or half-bottle of the -crathur was gone. - -Said Pat to Mike, in a hoarse whisper: “Shure, an’ I hope nothing can -have happened to the onfortunate gintleman!” - - * * * * * - -Not long ago a young Irishman was seeking work in western Illinois, and -among those to whom he applied was a farmer near Cairo. - -The farmer was attracted by the Celt’s frank, cheery manner, and, while -he was not in need of help, he asked, after a pause: - -“Can you cradle?” - -“Cradle!” repeated the Irishman. “Sure, I can! But, sir,” he added -persuasively, “couldn’t ye give me a job out of dures?” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy—“Oi hear yer brother-in-law, Pat Keegan, is pretty bad off.” - -Mrs. Casey—“Shure, he’s good for a year yit.” - -Mrs. Murphy—“As long as that?” - -Mrs. Casey—“Yes; he’s had four different doctors, and each one uv thim -gave him three months to live.” - - * * * * * - -A Dundee shopkeeper asked an Irishman who was standing at a street corner -if he wanted a job. - -“Yes, sor,” replied the Irishman. - -“Well, now, what would you take to clear the snow away from my premises?” - -“A shovel, sor!” was the sharp reply of the Irishman. - -He got the job. - - * * * * * - -A SAVING, ANYWAY. - -O’Brien—“So the landlord lowered the rint for yez. He’ll save money at -that.” - -Casey—“How so?” - -O’Brien—“Shure, it’s less he’ll be losin’ when ye don’t pay it.” - - * * * * * - -MAKING GOOD USE OF HIM. - -An Italian organ-grinder possessed a monkey which he “worked” through -the summer months. When the cool days came his business fell off, and -he discontinued his walks and melodies. An Irishman of his acquaintance -offered him half a dollar a week for the privilege of keeping and feeding -the little beast. The bargain was made for a month. - -Great curiosity filled the mind of the Italian, and at last he went -ostensibly to see his pet, but really to find out what possible use Pat -could make of the monkey. - -The Irishman was frank. “It’s loike this,” he said. “Oi put up a pole in -the back yard, with the monkey on the top. Ten or twelve trains of cars -loaded with coal go by here every evenin’. There’s men on every car. -Every man takes a heave at the monk. Divil a wan has hit him, but Oi have -sivin tons of coal.” - - * * * * * - -PRETTY LOUD. - -An Irishman came to a doctor complaining that he had noises in his head. - -“Oi have them all the time,” he said, “an’ sometimes Oi can hear thim -fifty feet away.” - - * * * * * - -“Phwat koind av a room would yez loike to hov, sor? Oi can giv’ yez a -back room in the front av th’ house, or a front room in th’ back av -th’ house jist to suit yer inconvaynience; or Oi can giv’ yez number -sixty-six or ninety-nine, jist to suit yer inconvaynience—No. 66 is th’ -broidle chamber, but we kape th’ broidle out in th’ shtable. - -“Oi can giv’ yez another lovely room in th’ middle av the front av th’ -hotel, sor—it’s a lovely place; there do be carpet on th’ floor; air -cushion sofys an’ bir-rds-eye maple chif’niers an’ runnin’ hot an’ cold -wather passin’ th’ door, whoile th’ bath-tubs are always supplied wid -gold fish; th’ room is loighted wid indecent lamps thot are supplied wid -electricity, bur-rnin’ noight an’ day in th’ shtreet, an’ a tooth-brush -in ivery room.” - -“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a lady without!” - -“Widout phwat; widout phwat?” - -“Without here, in the hall, sir.” - -“That’s all right; show her up in th’ parlor; Oi’ll be up in a minute.” - -“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 78, says there’s bedbugs -in his bed!” - -“Phwat! Bedbugs in his bed? Go up and ask him if he wants humming bir-ds -in his bed fer a dollar a day?” - -“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in room 97 who says the rain came -through the skylight last night and wet him to the skin.” - -“Wet him to th’ skin; charge him 25 cents extra fer th’ bath. G’wan out -av here!” - - * * * * * - -Caller—“Your master’s not at home, eh, Pat?” - -Pat—“No, sor; he do be in the ould country these t’ree wakes, sor.” - -Caller—“Excuse me, Pat, but how is it when your mistress is on this side -of the water master’s on the other, and vice versa? Is there trouble -between them?” - -Pat—“None at all, sor; only they have agrade bechune ’em that they can -live together better when they’re apart.” - - * * * * * - -The Prisoner—“There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?” - -Officer Casey—“Phwat? Run away and never come back again? Not on your -life. You stand here and I’ll run after your hat.” - - * * * * * - -PRECAUTION. - -Mrs. Casey—“Me sister writes me that every bottle in the box we sent her -was broken. Are you sure yez printed ‘This side up with care’ on it?” - -Casey—“Oi am. An’ for fear they shouldn’t see it on the top Oi printed it -on the bottom as well.” - - * * * * * - -DANGER! - -An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital began to take an interest -in the other patients. - -“What are you in here for?” he asked one. - -“I’ve got tonsillitis, and I’ve got to have my tonsils cut out,” was the -answer. - -“And you?” he asked another. - -“I’ve got blood poisoning in my arm, and they are going to cut it off,” -was the reply. - -“Heavens!” said Pat, in horror, “This ain’t no place for me. I’ve got a -cold in my head.” - - * * * * * - -“Mike, did you ever catch frogs?” “Yes, sor.” “What did you bait with?” -“Bate ’em with a shtick, sor.” - - * * * * * - -People that take all things literally are apt to tread on other people’s -toes. The Irishman who walked in where he saw a sign, “Walk in,” and who -was ordered out by the lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man that -went into a pawnbroker’s shop and demanded ten dollars because there was -a placard in the window that read,“Look at this watch for ten dollars.” - -“I looked at it,” said he, “and now I want my ten dollars.” - -The most amusing incident we have heard is that of the countryman who, -while sauntering along a city street, saw a sign, “Please ring the bell -for the janitor.” - -After reflecting a few minutes he walked up and gave the bell such a pull -that it nearly came out by the roots. - -In a few minutes an angry-faced man opened the door. - -“Are you the janitor?” asked the bell-puller. - -“Yes; what do you want?” - -“I saw that notice, so I rang the bell for you, and now I want to know -why you can’t ring the bell yourself?” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman wanted to sell a dog, but the prospective buyer was -suspicious, and finally decided not to buy. The man then told him why he -was anxious to sell. “You see,” said he, “I bought the dog and thrained -him myself. I got him so he’d bark all the time if a person stepped -inside the gate, and I thought I was safe from burglars. Then me woife -wanted me to thrain him to carry bundles—and I did. If you put anything -into his mouth, the spalpeen’d keep it there till some one took it away. -Well one night I woke up and heard some one in the next room. I got up -and grabbed me gun. They were there, three of the blackguards and the -dog.” - -“Didn’t he bark,” interrupted the other. - -“Sorra a bark,” was the reply, “he was too busy.” - -“Busy,” asked the other, “what doing?” - -“Carrying the lantern for the burglars,” answered the Irishman. - - * * * * * - -NO NEED TO TELL. - -Casey (rolling up his sleeves)—“Did you tell Reilly Oi was a liar?” - -Murphy—“Oi did not. Oi thought he knew it!” - - * * * * * - -Paddy Dolan bought a watch from the local jeweller with a guaranty to -keep it in order for twelve months. About six months after, Paddy took it -back because it had stopped. - -“You seem to have had an accident with it,” said the jeweller. - -“A small one, sure enough, sir. About two months ago I was feeding the -pig and it fell into the trough.” - -“But you should have brought it before.” - -“Sure, your honor, I brought it as soon as I could. We only killed the -pig yesterday.” - - * * * * * - -Kathleen had been put out to service, and her mistress liked the rosy -face of the young girl. One day Kathleen was sent on an errand to town. -She was longer than usual and her mistress stood on the porch as she came -through the field. Kathleen was happy and her mistress observed: - -“Why, Kathleen, what a rosy face you have to-day! You look as if the dew -had kissed you.” - -Kathleen dropped her eyes and murmured: - -“Indeed, ma’am, but that wasn’t his name!” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman, who couldn’t read, went into a restaurant and sat down -opposite a man who had a bill of fare in his hands, and concluded -to order whatever the other man ordered in order not to betray his -disordered learning. - -Stranger—“I will have a plate of soup.” - -Pat—“Give me th’ same.” - -Stranger—“And some oysters.” - -Pat—“Give me th’ same.” - -The stranger ordered what he wanted, and Pat duplicated the order. -Finally, the stranger told the waiter to order him a bootblack. - -“Give me the same,” said Pat. - -“Won’t one do for both of you?” - -Pat answered—“No, one won’t; if he can’t eat one, I can!” - - * * * * * - -“Why did you leave your last place?” the housekeeper asked of the new -would-be cook. - -“To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn’t stand the way the master an’ the -missus used to quarrel, mum.” - -“Dear me! Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?” - -“Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn’t me an’ him, it was me and her.” - - * * * * * - -A gentleman was put out of patience by some blunder of Paddy, his new -groom. - -“Look here!” he cried in his anger; “I won’t have things done in this -way. Do you think I’m a fool?” - -“I can’t say, sir,” answered Paddy; “I only came here yesterday.” - - * * * * * - -ONE OF THE SIGHTS. - -A man was visiting Ireland for the first time. In Dublin one warm -afternoon he put his handkerchief over his nose and said, in a choked -voice, “What the deuce is that?” - -“That?” said his Irish guide. “Why, that’s the river Liffey. Didn’t ye -know, man, that the smell o’ the Liffey was one o’ the sights o’ Dublin?” - - * * * * * - -A little Irishman was being examined for admission to the army. He seemed -all right in every way except one. The doctor said: “You’re a little -stiff.” - -Quickly his Irish blood mounted and he replied: “You’re a big stiff.” - - * * * * * - -NOT HIS NAME. - -In Dublin a zealous policeman caught a cab driver in the act of driving -recklessly. The officer stopped him and said: - -“What’s yer name?” - -“You’d better try to find out,” said the driver peevishly. - -“Sure, and I will,” said the policeman as he went around to the side of -the cab where the name ought to have been painted, but the letters had -been rubbed off. - -“Aha!” cried the officer. “Now ye’ll git yerself into worse disgrace than -ever. Yer name seems to be oblitherated.” - -“You’re wrong!” shouted the driver triumphantly. “’Tis O’Sullivan.” - - * * * * * - -NATURAL HISTORY. - -They were looking at the kangaroo at the zoo when an Irishman said: - -“Beg pardon, sor, phwat kind of a crature is that?” - -“Oh,” said the gentleman, “that is a native of Australia.” - -“Good hivins!” exclaimed Pat; “an’ me sister married wan e’ thim.” - - * * * * * - -A wizened little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they -said he was too small, but he finally persuaded them to give him a trial. -He seemed to be making good, until they gradually increased the size of -his load until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound anvil under -each arm. When he was half-way across the gangplank it broke and the -Irishman fell in. With a great splashing and sputtering he came to the -surface. - -“T’row me a rope!” he shouted, and again sank. A second time he rose to -the surface. “T’row me a rope. I say!” he shouted again. Once more he -sank. A third time he rose struggling. - -“Say!” he spluttered angrily, “if one uv you shpalpeens don’t hurry up -an’ t’row me a rope I’m goin’ to drop one uv these damn t’ings!” - - * * * * * - -THE LAST OF THE CARRS. - -Mrs. Nora Mulvaney met her old friend, Mrs. Bridget Carr, carrying in her -arms her twelfth child. - -“Arrah, now, Bridget,” said Nora, “an’ there ye are wid another little -Carr in yer arms.” - -“Another it is, Mrs. Mulvaney,” replied her friend, “an’ I’m hopin’ ’tis -the caboose.” - - * * * * * - -Mike sat busily engaged in copying the names of the male population of -the immediate vicinity. His good wife, noting the apparent industry of -her lord, asked what he was doing. - -“Begorra, an’ it’s wroitin’ the names o’ the min phwat Oi kin lick, so Oi -am!” he exclaimed. - -A few minutes later the woman put on her shawl and went to Pat O’Leary’s -humble home, where she informed Pat that she saw his name on the list. - -Without waiting to don his coat, O’Leary sallied forth in search of Mike, -who was found still engaged at the list. - -“Moike,” said Pat, in a tone that sounded like the thunders of heaven, -“they say as how yez air makin’ a lisht o’ the felleys yez kin lick an’ -thot me name’s on it.” - -“An’ so ’tis,” retorted Mike. - -“But, rist yer sowl,” exclaimed Pat, shaking his fist close to Mike’s -proboscis, “yez can’t do it!” - -“Thin I’ll scratch yer name off,” said Mike, feebly, and he continued -adding to the list. - - * * * * * - -An old widdy woman went to the undertaker’s to order a coffin for her -deceased husband. - -“He was very, very good to me,” she said,“and I’ll have a coffin of the -best yellow pine.” - -“Yes, madam. That’ll be $14,” said the undertaker. “And what kind of -trimmings will you have on the coffin?’ ’ - -“Trimmin’s!” cried the widdy woman. “And right well ye know, ye spalpeen, -that I’ll have no trimmin’s at all, when it was the trimmin’s that the -poor lad died of, bad luck to ’em!” - - * * * * * - -Mistress—“You don’t seem to know anything about finger-bowls, Norah. Did -they not have them at the last place where you worked?” - -Maid—“No, ma’am. They usually washed themselves before they came to the -table.” - - * * * * * - -MISUNDERSTOOD. - -Silas B. Quick (marooned in small Irish hotel)—“Say! What mails d’yew get -here!” - -Pat—“Breakfast, dinner and tay, yer honor.” - - * * * * * - -Casey’s wife is anxious to be a society woman and the Ancient Order of -the Knights of the Golden Hod were going to give their annual riot—I mean -ball—and as Casey is the chief hod—I mean knight—of course he had to be -there and his wife wanted to shine—of course Casey’s a shine but—said she -to Casey: “I’m going to have a new dress for the ball. I’m going to have -the bias cut and flounced with crepe de chene and with Charlotte rucheing -around the neck—and—” - -“What are you going to have it made out of?” said Mr. Casey. - -“So that it’ll be light I’ll have it made out of cheese-cloth,” answered -Mrs. Casey. - -“Cheese-cloth?” said Casey. - -“Yis,” said Mrs. Casey—“cheese-cloth.” - -“Begorry! If you’re going to have it made out of limburger-cheese cloth -you’ll go alone,” said Mr. Casey. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Grogan—“Wake oop, ye foghorn. Oi can’t shlape a wink on account av -your shnorin’.” - -Mr. Grogan—“Ye must thry an’ get used to it, the same as I hov. Oi niver -notice it meself at all, at all.” - - * * * * * - -DIDN’T SOUND GOOD. - -Softly the nurse smoothed the sufferer’s pillow. He had been admitted -only that morning, and now he looked up pleadingly at the nurse that -stood at his bedside. - -“An’ phwat did ye say the docther’s name was, nurse, dear,” he asked. - -“Dr. Kilpatrick,” was the reply. “He’s the senior house surgeon.” - -“That settles it,” he muttered, firmly, “that docther won’t get a chanst -to operate on me.” - -“Why not?” asked the nurse in surprise. “He’s a very clever man.” - -“Tha he may be,” the patient said. “But me name happens to be Patrick.” - - * * * * * - -Patrick worked for a notoriously stingy boss and lost no chance to let -the fact be known. Once a waggish friend, wishing to twit him, remarked: - -“Pat, I heard that your boss just gave you a brand-new suit of clothes.” - -“No,” said Pat, “only par-rt of a suit.” - -“What part?” - -“The sleeves iv the vest!” - - * * * * * - -O’Brien died, and at the wake his friends got filled up with good -whiskey. They finally took O’Brien’s body down to Kelly’s saloon and sat -it in a chair at a table and drank his health. After several rounds they -left the place, forgetting O’Brien’s body, which they left sitting at the -table where they had placed it. Kelly wanted to close up, so he walked -over to O’Brien and shook him, trying to wake him up. Failing in his -efforts to arouse him, he became angry, and securing a club from behind -the bar, smashed O’Brien over the head with it. O’Brien fell to the -floor, and just at that moment his friends came back to get the corpse, -having remembered him. They pretended to be horrified, and charged Kelly -with having killed O’Brien with a club. “You’ve murdered him in cold -blood,” said one of the gang. “You’re a liar,” said Kelly, “he pulled a -razor on me first.” - - * * * * * - -OLD FRIENDS. - -“I tell you,” said Pat, “the ould friends are the best, after all, and I -can prove it.” - -“How?” - -“Where can you find a new friend that has stood by you as long as the -ould ones have?” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman went to England in search of work, and when shown his room in -the boarding-house the landlady remarked: - -“There’s your bed, Pat, and there are two more to sleep with you, but -they won’t be in till late, so don’t be alarmed.” - -“They’re welcome,” replied Pat. Before retiring Pat locked his bedroom -door and during the night he was awakened by great knocking. - -“Whose there?” asked Pat. - -“We are the lodgers. Open.” - -“No room for ye,” replied Pat. - -“How many of you are in the room?” they asked. - -“Enough,” said Pat. “There’s meself, Paddy Murphy, a man that came over -from Ireland, a man looking for work, a man with a wife and six children, -an’ a Tipperary man, too.” By this time they had fled. - - * * * * * - -“Well,” said the doctor to Pat, “did that cure for deafness really help -your brother?” - -“Arrah, sure enough,” said Pat. “He hadn’t heard a sound for years, and -the day after he took that medicine he heard from a friend in America.” - - * * * * * - -She was a sweet little thing with the most waspy of wasplike waists, and -passers-by had nothing but admiration in their eyes for her. - -But what was that? She had fainted. Tenderly they carried her into a drug -store. An Irishman who had observed the occurrence, looked in after a few -minutes, and inquired: - -“How is she now?” - -“Oh,” was the reply, “she’s coming to.” - -“Ah,” murmured the son of Erin, “come in two—has she? Poor thing! Bedad, -it’s just what I was afraid of.” - - * * * * * - -IN A HURRY. - -A traveler finding that he had a couple of hours in Dublin, called a -cab and told the driver to drive him around for two hours. At first all -went well, but soon the driver began to whip up his horse so that they -narrowly escaped several collisions. - -“What’s the matter?” demanded the passenger. “Why are you driving so -recklessly? I’m in no hurry.” - -“Ah, g’wan wid yez,” retorted the cabby. “D’ye think thot I’m goin’ to -put in me whole day drivin’ ye around for two hours? Gitap!” - - * * * * * - -As Paddy was jogging along one day with his ass and cart to market he was -accosted by a man having a marked Lancashire accent, who, thinking it -would be fun to have a joke at Paddy’s expense, said: - -“How much would you charge for driving me all the way to Caherciveen?” - -“Begorra, sir,” said Paddy, “I would be only too glad to drive you there, -and a long, long piece farther, for nothing, but I am afraid I can’t -oblige you this time, ’cos I don’t think the harness would fit you.” - - * * * * * - -An Englishman traveling in Kilkenny, came to a ford and hired a boat to -take him across. The water being more agitated than agreeable to him, he -asked the boatman if any person was ever lost in the passage? - -“Niver,” replied Pat; “me brother was drowned here last week, but we -found him the next day.” - - * * * * * - -“’Ow did yer git that black eye, Pat?” - -“Oi slipped an’ fell on me back.” - -“But yer face ain’t on yer back.” - -“No—naythur was Flannigan.” - - * * * * * - -Two Irishmen, long enemies, met one day, and one of them said: “What’s -the sinse of two intilligent min goin’ along, year after year, like a -couple of wild cats spittin’ at each other? Here we live in the same -tiniment, and ’tis a burnin’ shame that we do be actin’ like a couple -of boobies. Come along wid yer and shake hands, and we’ll make up and -be friends.” Which they did, and then they went to an adjacent saloon -to cement the friendship with a glass of grog. Both stood at the bar in -silence. One looked at the other and said: “What are you thinkin’ about?” -“O’m thinkin’ the same thing that you are.” “Oh, so ye’re startin’ again, -are you?” - - * * * * * - -“Mr. Mulligan,” said Dennis, “you must have binifitted by the death of -your mother-in-law, for whom you had shmall affection while she lived.” - -“I did.” - -“What did she leave you?” - -“She left me alone—isn’t that enough?” - -“But I understand you’ve been spinding a hundred dollars, if you’ve spint -a cent, to get her out of purgatory.” - -“Whisht now, and isn’t it worth it to get her out before I get in.” - - * * * * * - -“Shure,” said Clancy, as he peeled the paper off a tomato can and threw -it to the goat; “an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans hov. Oi -wint out to this Fort Hamilton th’ other day wid Biddy boi me soide, for -Oi got to thinkin’ thot it wur th’ dooty av ivry citizen to make himself -acquainted wid all thot phwich makes his counthry great. An’ it’s barely -in the grounds we are befoor wan av thim sentries sez, sez he, ‘Who goes -there?’” - -“‘Phwere?’ I asks, turnin’ round. - -“Who goes there!” he yells wance agin wid a thrifle higher infliction. - -“‘Oi asked yez phwere?’ sez Oi wid some slight asper-ritty in me tones. - -“Now phwin he yells ‘Who goes there?’ agin it’s mad Oi got. Oi tould him -thot Oi wuz willin’ loike a gintlemon to hilp him wid his quistion, but -thot Oi didn’t see anybody goin’ there or annyphwere, an’ thot Oi thought -Oi wuz bein’ guyed, an’ afther callin’ him a sassenach Oi threatened to -divist his donkey hid av it’s ears, phwich th’ same led to a foight, an’ -the foight led me to th’ guard-house. How th’ divil wur Oi to know thot -‘Who goes there?’ means ‘Who are yez?’ - -“Shure an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans hov.” - - * * * * * - -Mike and Murphy had hired a boat for the day. All went well till the -afternoon, when, unfortunately, the boat sprang a leak and water rushed -in at a terrible rate. Murphy began bailing as hard as he could; but -looking up a moment or so later, he saw Mike apparently busy over -something else at the other end of the boat. - -“Hi, man,” he cried angrily, “what are ye doing?” - -“Shure,” said Mike, “I’m boring another hole, bedad, to let the water -out!” - - * * * * * - -TOO PREVIOUS. - -A servant went to consult a fortune-teller, and she returned wailing -dismally. - -“Did she predict some great trouble?” her mistress asked, sympathetically. - -“Och! mum, sich terrible news,” moaned Norah, rocking backward and -forward, wringing her hands. “She tould me that my father wurks hard for -a living shoveling coals and tending foires.” - -“But that’s no disgrace or sorrow,” said her mistress, a trifle vexed. - -“Och! mum, my poor father,” sobbed Norah, “he’s bin dead these noine -years!” - - * * * * * - -An amusing story of amateur sport comes from Rockville, Maryland, where -each year there is held a series of races “for all comers.” - -The sun was blazing on a field of hot, excited horses and men, all -waiting for a tall raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities of the -starter and get into line. - -The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. “Bring up that horse!” -he shouted. “Bring him up! You’ll get into trouble pretty soon if you -don’t!” - -The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful Irishman, yelled back: “I -can’t help it. This here’s been a cab horse, and he won’t start till the -door shuts, an’ I ain’t got no door!” - - * * * * * - -GENUINE IRISH RETORT. - -At the Criminal Court, a few days since, a learned gentleman, -dissatisfied at his success with an Irish witness, complained to the -court. Paddy exclaimed, “I’m no lawyer, yer honor, and he wants to puzzle -me.” - -Counsel—“Come, now, do you swear you are no lawyer?” - -Witness—“Faith, an’ I do; and you may swear the same thing about -yourself, without fear of being liable for perjury.” - - * * * * * - -A gentleman visited the house of a friend. The butler, an Irishman, -acted very kindly toward him. He waited upon him at dinner, brushed his -clothes, and saw him into his carriage. The gentleman, who was very -miserly, never offered a tip, so, as a little reminder, Pat said to him: -“Faith, sor, if you lose your purse on the way, remember you didn’t pull -it out hereabouts.” - - * * * * * - -JUST THAT QUICK? - -Casey reached heaven in good time. - -“Hello, St. Peter,” said he, “’tis a foine job you have.” - -“Right, Casey. ’Tis a great place here. We count a million years as a -minute and a million dollars as a cent.” - -“Is that so,” said Casey, wonderingly. “Well, it’s money I need. Well you -lend me a cent, St. Peter?” - -“Sure,” replied St. Peter. “In a minute.” - - * * * * * - -Pat, who had lost his way in the mazes of a large exposition, finally -went up to one of the guards and said: - -“Will yez tell me the way to the goin’ out intrance?” - - * * * * * - -MAYBE SO. - -In an Irish court-house an old man was called into the witness box, -and being confused and somewhat near-sighted he went up the stairs -that led to the bench instead of those that led to the box. The Judge -good-humoredly said: - -“Is it a Judge you want to be, my good man?” - -“Ah, sure, yer worship,” was the reply. “I’m an old man now, and mebbe -it’s all I’m fit for.” - - * * * * * - -Not long since Norah was about to industriously swing the broom around -the parlor furniture, when she was summoned by her mistress. - -“Before you sweep the parlor, Norah,” said the mistress as the servant -girl entered the room, “I want to give you some advice about your broom.” - -“Yes, mum,” was the wondering rejoinder of Norah; “phat’s the matter wid -the broom?” - - * * * * * - -“Begorra, Moike, we can’t go down thot road.” - -“An’ whoy not, Pat?” - -“Sure, me bye, it says ‘For Pedestrians Only,’ an’ we both be Oirishmen.” - - * * * * * - -McGinty was walking along Broadway when it began to rain. In front he -thought he saw his friend Dugan, with an umbrella. - -He slapped him on the back and said, jokingly: “Halloa! Give me that -umbrella!” - -When the man turned and McGinty saw his face he realized that he was an -utter stranger. Naturally, he was embarrassed. But the other man appeared -even more surprised, and immediately handed over the umbrella. - -“I beg your pardon,” he apologized. “I didn’t know it belonged to you.” - - * * * * * - -Cassidy, a green brakeman on the Colorado Mudline was making his first -trip to Ute Pass. They were going up a very steep grade, and with unusual -difficulty the engineer succeeded in reaching the top. At the Cascade -station, looking out of his cab, the engineer saw the new brakeman and -said with a sigh of relief: - -“I tell you what, my lad, we had a job to get up there, didn’t we?” - -“Shure and we did,” said Cassidy, “and if I hadn’t put on the brakes, -we’d have slipped back.” - - * * * * * - -EITHER OR AYTHER. - -Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, stood looking at bricklayers who were working -on a building that was being erected, when the following conversation was -overheard: - -Mike—“Pat, kin yez tell me what kapes them bricks together?” - -Pat—“Sure, Mike; it’s the mortar.” - -Mike—“Not by a dom sight; that keeps them apart.” - - * * * * * - -“The noight was that dark, Moike,” said Pat, while relating a past -experience; “that no matther how far oi looked oi couldn’t see a step -ahead of me.” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman came home from work one day and said to his wife: “Mary, we -had an awful accident on the job to-day!” - -“Was annyone hurt?” she asked. - -“Well,” he said, “there was twenty-one Eyetalians and one Irishman -killed!” - -“Well,” said she, “isn’t it too bad about the poor fellow!” - - * * * * * - -The train had stopped, and the fat old Irish woman put her head out of -the window and inquired of a young railway porter what it was stopping -for. - -The young man was inclined to be facetious. - -“Engine out late last night, ma’am,” he remarked, with a smile, “so she’s -got a thirst on her this morning; they’re giving ’er a drop o’ water.” - -“And are ye shure it’s water?” queried the dame. - -“If you’ll wait a minute I’ll inquire whether they’re givin’ ’er port -wine,” he grinned. - -“Shure, and never mind, young man, don’t be troublin’ yoursilf,” came the -answer. “I thought, perhaps, by the way we’ve been gitting along, it was -sloe gin!” - - * * * * * - -O’Donohue:—Oi got the crate of chickens you was sendin’ me allright, but -next time Oi wist ye’d fasten them up, more securely. Comin’ from the -station the damn things get out. Oi spent hours scouring the neighborhood -and thin only found tin of them. - -McGinty:—S-s-sh! Oi only sent six. - - * * * * * - -BREAKING THE NEWS. - -Pat had been delegated by his fellow employees to tell Mrs. Casey the -news of her husband’s accidental death. On the way to the Casey home, Pat -pondered on how to break the news to the widow. Finally he hit on what -seemed to him a most humane way of preparing Mrs. Casey for the sad news. - -Knowing the violent hatred which Mrs. Casey as well as all loyal Irishmen -have for the A. P. A., he said on greeting the woman: - -“Ah, Mrs. Casey, it is bad news I have to bring you. Your husband, Mike, -has turned an A. P. A.” - -“Mike turned A. P. A.! The scoundrel, I hope he is dead.” - -“He is,” answered Pat. - - * * * * * - -THEIR USE. - -“What good are the figures set down in these railway time-tables?” asked -the sarcastic and angry would-be passenger. - -“Why,” explained the genial Irish station-master, “if it weren’t for them -figures we’d have no way of findin’ out how late the trains are.” - - * * * * * - -Tom Callahan got a job on the section working for a railroad. The -superintendent told him to go along the line looking for washouts. - -“And don’t be as long-winded in your next reports as you have been in the -past,” said the superintendent; “just report the condition of the roadbed -as you find it, and don’t use a lot of needless words that are not to the -point. Write like a business letter, not like a love-letter.” - -Tom proceeded on his tour of inspection and when he reached the river, he -wrote his report to the superintendent: - -“Sir: Where the railroad was, the river is.” - - * * * * * - -An unfaithful steward had embezzled a large sum of money, and his -employer asked advice from friends as to how he should be dealt with. - -“Get rid of him at once,” advised an Englishman. “Keep him on and deduct -the sum from his wages,” said a Scotchman. - -“But,” said the landlord, “the sum he has embezzled is far bigger than -his wages.” - -“Then raise his wages,” suggested an Irishman. - - * * * * * - -A Galway man named Pat Carr was met one day by an English tourist, who -said to him: - -“What’s your name?” - -“Carr,” said Pat. - -“Well, well,” said the Englishman, “you’re the first car I ever saw going -without an ass, so you’re a great curiosity to me.” - -“Well,” said Pat, “you’re not the first ass I saw going without a car, so -you’re no curiosity to me.” - - * * * * * - -During some building operations it was necessary for the workmen to walk -across a single plank some distance from the ground. Whenever it came to -Pat’s turn, the foreman noticed that he walked across on all fours. So he -went up to Pat and asked contemptuously: - -“What’s the trouble, man? Are you afraid of walking on the plank?” - -“No, begorra,” said Pat, “but I’m afraid of walking off it.” - - * * * * * - -“What do we need for dinner, Bridget?” asked the lady of the house. - -“Shure, mum, Oi tripped over th’ cat an’ we nade a complete new set av -dishes.” - - * * * * * - -A GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEME. - -Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment were going into the trenches -for the first time, and their captain promised them five shillings each -for every German they killed. - -Pat lay down to rest, while Mick performed the duty of watching. Pat had -not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting: - -“They’re comin’! They’re comin’!” - -“Who’s comin’?” shouts Pat. - -“The Germans,” replies Mick. - -“How many are there?” - -“About fifty thousand.” - -“Begorra,” shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing his rifle, “our fortune’s -made!” - - * * * * * - -Patrick had called on his Betsy and she gave him a handsome helping of -her special make of apple pie. Patrick was loud in its praise. - -“I tried a new way,” said Betsy, beaming. “I put a few gooseberries in to -flavor it.” - -“Begorra!” cried Patrick. “If a few gooseberries give so good a flavor -to an apple pie, what a darlint of an apple pie it would be made o’ -gooseberries entoirely!” - - * * * * * - -PROVED BY EXPERIMENT. - -Mouldy Mike—These ’ere newspapers is just a pack o’ lies, that’s wot they -are. - -Ragged Robert—Wot yeh been readin’. - -“I read an account of a feller from New York wot went inter a big hotel -in a small town, an’ said he wanted to buy the hotel, an’ made ’em an -offer, an’ give ’em a check wot wasn’t no good, an’ lived there a week on -the fat o’ the land ’fore he had to light out w’en the check came back, -an’ it never cost him a cent—that’s wot the paper said.” - -“Mebby that’s true.” - -“No, it ain’t.” - -“How do yer know?” - -“How do I know? Why, quick as I read it I tried it meself—an’ they kicked -me out.” - - * * * * * - -Pat, with a little bit of drink in him, was standing on the sidewalk -sneering at a Jewish peddler. The peddler stood the jeers for some time, -but Pat became too personal. - -“Don’t you know,” said the Hebrew, “that the country is financed by the -Jews?” - -“Maybe they does,” retorted Pat, “but bejabbers the Irish runs it.” - - * * * * * - -A sewerman returned home one distressingly hot day thoroughly exhausted, -to find his better-half also tired out after spending the greater part of -the day at the washtub. At the time he entered, however, she was seated, -fanning herself vigorously. “Ain’t ye got no supper?” he asked somewhat -angrily. “Supper, is it?” she asked. “Go on wid you! Me all tired out -from a hard day’s wurruk in the hate, an’ you come home an’ ask for yer -supper! Aisy indade for you all day down in a nice cool sewer!” - - * * * * * - -“Which would yez rather be in, Casey, an explosion or a collision?” asked -his friend McCarthy. - -“In a collision,” replied Casey. - -“Why?” - -“Because in a collision, there yez are; but in an explosion, where are -yez?” - - * * * * * - -“What’s your name prisoner?” - -“Casey, yer honor.” - -“Your full name.” - -“Casey, sorr, full or sober!” - - * * * * * - -“Arrah, me darlint,” cried Jamie O’Flanigan to his loquacious sweetheart, -who had given him no opportunity of even answering her remarks during a -two hours ride behind his little bay nags in his oyster wagon—“are yes -afther knowing why yer cheeks are like my ponies there?” - -“Shure, and it’s because they’re red, is it?” quoth the blushing Bridget. - -“Faith and a better reason than that, mavourneen. Because there is one of -them each side of a waggin’ tongue!” - - * * * * * - -Pat and Mike were passing the butcher’s stall, where there was a pair of -chickens for sale. - -“We’ll buy them,” said Mike, “and who ever has the best dream to-night -can cook them for himself to-morrow.” - -When they awoke that morning Pat related his dream. - -“I dreamt that angels carried me up to heaven.” - -“You’re right,” chimed Mike. “I saw you going up and thought you would -never come back, so I got up, cooked the fowls and ate them.” - - * * * * * - -IN IRELAND. - -“We never needed any of them new-fangled scales in Ireland,” said O’Hara. -“There’s an aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You get a plank and -put it across a stool. Then you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end -of the plank and the stone on the other end, and shift the plank until -they balance. Then you guess the weight of the stone and you have the -weight of the pig.” - - * * * * * - -The Irishman announced that he was about to be married. - -“Married!” exclaimed his friend. “An old man like you?” - -“Well, you see,” the old man explained, “it’s just because I’m getting an -ould bhoy now. ’Tis a foine thing, Pat, to have a wife near ye to close -the eyes of ye when ye come to the end.” - -“Arrah, now, ye old fule!” exclaimed Pat. “Don’t be so foolish. What do -ye know about it? Close yer eyes, indade! I’ve had a couple of thim, an’, -faith, they both of thim opened mine!” - - * * * * * - -The Irishman was walking along the bank of the river. He was fuming with -rage, for that day he had a dispute with a neighbor over the ownership of -a pig. Suddenly a cry for help rent the air and, turning round, he saw a -man struggling in the water. - -Seeing Mike on the bank, the man in the water waved his hand and shouted: - -“Hey, mate, drope me a line!” - -In a flash the man on the bank recognized his adversary in the pig -dispute. Thrusting his hands in his pockets he made to resume his walk, -remarking over his shoulder: - -“Shure, but there ain’t no post offices where ye’re goin’ to!” - - * * * * * - -A ganger on one of our large lines of railways had a keen Irish wit. One -warm afternoon, while walking along the line, he found one of his men -placidly sleeping on the embankment. The “boss” looked disgustedly at the -delinquent for a full minute, and then remarked: - -“Slape on, ye lazy spalpeen, slape on, fur as long as you slape you’ve -got a job, but when you wake up you ain’t got none.” - - * * * * * - -WOULDN’T NEED TO. - -Pat walked into the Post Office. After getting into the telephone box he -called a wrong number. As there was no such number the switch attendant -did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer. - -The lady of the Post Office opened the door and told him to shout a -little louder, which he did, but still no answer. - -Again she said he would require to speak louder. - -Pat got angry at this, and, turning to the lady, said: - -“Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn’t use your bloomin’ ould -telephone at all!” - - * * * * * - -Pat had just arrived from Ireland when Mike, who had been in America for -some years, spied him. - -“Faith, Pat!” exclaimed Mike, “what are you doing over here?” - -“I’ve come over,” answered Pat, “to try if I can make an honest living.” - -“Begorra, Mike, me boy, that’s dead aisy over here, for it’s dommed -little competition you’ll have in this country.” - - * * * * * - -In the court-house an Irishman stood charged with stealing a watch from -a fellow citizen. He stoutly denied the impeachment, and brought a -counter-accusation against his accuser for assault and battery committed -with a frying-pan. The judge was inclined to take a common sense view -of the case, and regarding the prisoner, said, “Why did you allow the -prosecutor, who is a smaller man than yourself, to assault you, without -resistance? Had you nothing in your hand to defend yourself with?” -“Bedad, your honor,” answered Pat, “I had his watch, but what was that -against a frying-pan?” - - * * * * * - -Pat (reading notice on bank door)—“This bank will reopen after the -meeting of the assignees.” “Begob, it will be a long time before their -assandknees meet.” - - * * * * * - -Clancy:—Dugan ate something that poisoned him. - -Dick:—Croquette? - -Clancy:—Not yit begorra, but he’s very sick. - - * * * * * - -For three solid hours the captain had been lecturing his men on “the -duties of a soldier,” and he thought it was time to see how much they had -understood of his discourse. - -Casting his eyes round the room, he fixed on Private Murphy as his first -victim. - -“Private Murphy,” he asked, “why should a soldier be ready to die for his -country?” - -Private Murphy scratched his head for a moment and then a smile of -enlightenment crossed his face. - -“Sure, Captain,” he said, pleasantly, “you’re quite right. Why should he?” - - * * * * * - -Maggie: “What’s wrong with the car? It squeaks dreadfully.” - -Patty: “Shure and it can’t be helped; there’s pig-iron in the axles.” - - * * * * * - -Mistress: “Mary, were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last night?” - -Mary: “That’s for him to say, mum. I was doin’ the best I could with the -materials I could find.” - - * * * * * - -Pat Rooney was a new arrival on the job. Having gone to the top of the -building and failed to return, the foreman shouted up: - -“Come on, Pat, what’s keeping ye?” - -“Sure,” said Pat, “I can’t find my way down.” - -“Well, come down the way ye went up,” shouted the foreman. - -“Faith, an’ I won’t,” says Pat, “for I came up head first.” - - * * * * * - -It was during the dry spell a few months ago, and a shower having come -up, Dr. Blank remarked to his gardener, “This rain will do a lot of good, -Patrick.” - -“Ye may well say that, sorr,” returned Pat. “Shure an hour of it now will -do more good in five minutes than a month of it would do in a week at any -other time.” - - * * * * * - -REVERSED. - -Mike—“What makes you order ice cream for the first course and soup for -the last?” - -Pat—“Well, my stomach is upset, so I eat the meal backwards.” - - * * * * * - -NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. - -Pat (shyly)—I want to see some weddin’ rings. - -Jeweler—Eighteen karats? - -Pat (loudly)—No, I’ve been atin’ onions and I don’t know that it is any -of your business what I’ve been atin’. - - * * * * * - -Pat: “Phwat was the last card Oi dealt ye, Mike?” - -Mike: “A spade.” - -Pat: “Oi knew it was, Oi saw ye spit on yer hand before ye picked it up.” - - * * * * * - -“If everyone in the world was as dishonest as you are,” remarked an Irish -judge, as he addressed a swindler before him; “I don’t know what would -become of the rest of us.” - - * * * * * - -“It’s thrue,” said Paddy to Dennis one day, “it wor a grand soight. But -whoile ye’re standin’ sit down, an’ Oi’ll tell ye all about it.” - - * * * * * - -MIKE’S PRECAUTION. - -Mike—“Begorra, an’ I had to go thru the woods the other night where Casey -was murdered last year an’ that they say is haunted, an’, bedad, I walked -backward the whole way.” - -Pat—“An’ what for wuz we after doin’ that?” - -Mike—“Faith, man, so that I could see if anything wuz comin’ up behind -me.” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy: “I want to see some mirrors.” - -Shopwalker: “Hand mirrors, Madam?” - -Mrs. Murphy: “No. Some that you can see your face in.” - - * * * * * - -Patrick—“Will you marry me?” - -Intended:—“Yes, darlin’.” - -“Darlin’, why don’t you say something.” - -Patrick:—“Oi’ve said too much already.” - - * * * * * - -Mike—Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn’t got an enemy in the world. - -Pat—What did he die of? - -Mike—Oh; he wur killed in a foight. - - * * * * * - -ASPIRATION. - -An Irish mother who had occasion to reprove her eldest son exclaimed, “I -just wish that your father was at home some evening to see how you behave -yourself when he is out!” - - * * * * * - -“Good mornin’ to ye, Mrs. Cassidy. An’ is the likely lookin’ young feller -in yer third floor front a mimber of the church?” - -“Naw, Mrs. Haggerty, I’m sorry to say he ain’t. He’s just an unconfirmed -roomer.” - - * * * * * - -Pat—“An’ what did your ould woman say whin ye come in at three o’clock -this mornin’?” - -Mike—“Sure, the darlin’ soul never said a worrud. An I was goin’ to have -thim two front teeth pulled out anyway.” - - * * * * * - -Pat (going to battle): Why are you carrying that comb? - -Mike: Sur’in fate, ’tis the easiest one to part with. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Murphy:—“Did yez hear of the awful fright Harry got on his weddin’ -day?” - -Her Husband:—“Shure, and don’t Oi know it, wasn’t Oi there—and didn’t Oi -see her.” - - * * * * * - -“This is the fourth morning you’ve been late, Bridget,” said the mistress -to her maid. - -“Shure, Ma’am,” replied Bridget, “I over-slept meself.” - -“Where is the clock I gave you?” - -“In my room ma’am.” - -“And do you set the alarm?” - -“Every night.” - -“But don’t you hear the alarm in the morning, Bridget?” - -“No ma’am, thot’s the trouble you see the thing goes off while I’m -asleep.” - - * * * * * - -Terence:—I see where Mike has married the widow, Elizabeth. - -Foley:—Shure, an’ she has two children, already. - -Maggie:—The lucky divil is what I say. - -Terence:—How so? Lucky is it? - -Maggie:—Shure, an’ by marryin’ her he has a second-hand Lizzie and two -runabouts. - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Muldoon—“Do your dauter, Mary Ann, take music lessons?” - -Mrs. Mulcahy—“Yis; she took lessons on a phonygraph and she broke the -record.” - - * * * * * - -TOO MUCH WORK. - -Pat had seen nearly every clock in the place, but had discarded all of -them as not being good enough for his purpose. The weary shopman had -exhausted his whole stock, except a few cuckoo clocks, so he brought -these forward as a last resource, and vowed he would do his best to sell -one or know the reason why. - -“Do the clocks strike the hour?” asked Pat, noticing their curious shape, -and half doubting their capacity to do anything. - -“I’ll show you what they do,” said the salesman; and he set the hands -of one to a few minutes to twelve. When the little door flew open and -the cuckoo thrust his head out, cuckooing away for dear life, Pat was -thunderstruck. But when the bird disappeared he looked glum, and pondered -in gloomy thought for a moment. - -“Well, how do you like that?” asked the salesman. “That’s a staggerer for -you, isn’t it?” - -“Faith and begorra, I should think it is,” declared Pat. “It’s trouble -enough to remember to wind it, without having to think of feeding the -bird.” - - * * * * * - -The chauffeur never spoke except when addressed, but his few utterances, -given in a broad brogue, were full of wit. - -One of the men in the party remarked: “You’re a bright sort of a fellow, -and it’s easy to see that your people came from Ireland.” - -“No, sor; ye are very badly mistaken,” replied Pat. - -“What!” said the man. “Didn’t they come from Ireland?” - -“No, sor,” answered Pat, “they’re there yet.” - - * * * * * - -_Mrs. Murphy_—No, yer Reverence, Pat can’t go on that scrub-cuttin’ job -to-day—he’s in bed wid snake-bite. - -_Father O’Grady_—Save his soul! An’ so he’s been bit, eh? - -_Mrs. Murphy_—Not yet, Father; but he has drank a bottle of brandy ’n -case he might be! - - * * * * * - -ON HER CALLING LIST. - -Mrs. Flynn had just moved into the neighborhood, and an old friend -dropped in for a visit. “And are yez on callin’ terms wid yer nixt door -neighbor yet?” - -“Indade Oi am,” answered the lady. “Oi called her a thafe, an’ she called -me another!” - - * * * * * - -HEART OUT OF PLACE - -An Irishman was telling of his war wound. He said: “An’ the bullet went -in me chist here, and come out me back!” - -“But,” said his friend, “it would have gone thru your heart and killed -you.” - -“Faith, an’ me heart was in me mouth at the time!” - - * * * * * - -INTERPRETING A DREAM - -“Do ye belave in dhrames, Riley?” - -“Oi do,” was Riley’s reply. - -“Phwat’s it a sign of if a married man dhrames he’s a bachelor?” - -“It’s a sign thot he’s going to meet wid a great disappointment when he -wakes up.” - - * * * * * - -The foreman looked him up and down. - -“Are you a mechanic?” he asked. - -“No, sorr,” was the answer. “Oi’m a McCarthy.” - - * * * * * - -A PECULIAR POISON - -Professor O’Flanigan held up a small phial, and the class was silent. -“One drop of this liquid,” said he, impressively, “placed upon the tongue -of a cat is sufficient to kill the strongest man!” - - * * * * * - -For months Pat, who lived in the oil country, had been drilling -unsuccessfully in his back yard. One day his friends were astonished to -see him rush from his door cheering loudly. - -“What’s the idea, Pat?” he was asked. - -“Haven’t ye heard the good news?” - -“Good Lord! You haven’t struck oil at last, have you?” - -“No, not yet. But didn’t ye notice how the price of it went up yesterday?” - - * * * * * - -Pat and Mike were engaged in a dispute in a cemetery one day. “Well,” -said Pat, “I don’t like this cemetery at all, at all.” - -“Well,” said Mike, “I think it is a fine cemetery.” - -“No,” said Pat, “I don’t like it at all, at all, and I’ll never be buried -in it as long as I live.” - -“What an unreasonable ould fool ye are, to be sure,” said Mike, losing -his temper. “Why man alive, it is a fine cemetery, and if my life is -spared, sure I’ll be buried in it.” - - * * * * * - -An Irishman said that a friend of his had died suddenly. “Did he live -high?” he was asked. “I can’t say as to that,” replied Mike “but he died -high,—_he was hung_.” - - * * * * * - -Mrs. O’Regan—“Did yez ever hov yer palm read, Mrs. O’Reilly?” - -Mrs. O’Reilly—“Phwat a question, Mrs. O’Regan! Haven’t I had ten children -an’ had to spank all o’ thim?” - - * * * * * - -CELTIC SARCASM - -_The Mistress_—“If the eggs are to be kept fresh, you must lay them in a -cool place.” - -_The Cook_—“Oi’ll mintion it to the hens at wanst.” - - * * * * * - -AN ILLOGICAL DEDUCTION - -“Begorra,” said Patsy, “Oi couldn’t pay me five dollar foine, and Oi had -to go to gaol for six days.” - -“An’ how much did yez spend to get drunk?” asked Mike, rather -sarcastically. - -“Oh, ’bout five dollars.” - -“Yez fool, if yez had not spent yez five dollars for drink, yez’d had -five dollars to pay yer foine wid.” - - * * * * * - -IMPORTANT - -_Mrs. O’Toole_—“Phwat dy yez think, Pat? Here’s a mon mintioned in the -paper as afther shootin’ his wife and himself.” - -_Pat_—“Shure, which did he kill fust?” - - * * * * * - -CORRECT TIME. - -_Pat_—“An’ whoy do yez carry two watches?” - -_Mike_—“Faith, Oi nade wan to see how shlow th’ other wan is.” - - * * * * * - -FOLLOWING ORDERS. - -_Doctor_—“The room seems cold, Mrs. Hooligan. Have you kept the -thermometer at seventy, as I told you?” - -_Mrs. Hooligan_—“Shure, an’ Oi hov, dochtor. There’s th’ devillish thing -in a toombler av warrum wather at this blissid minnut.” - - * * * * * - -Pat Dooley went round to the cabin of Mike Doolan to pass the time of -day to him; but Mike was out. Mrs. Mike was in, boiling the praties and -trying to nurse the child at the same time. Pat, being a polite boy, -offered to dandle the baby while Mrs. Mike stirred the pot. - -In came Mike. “Good morning to you, Pat.” - -“The top of the morning to you, Mike, and how’s yourself?” - -“It’s gay and grand I am, and how are you, Pat?” - -“Just holding my own,” says Pat, tossing the child. - -And when Pat woke up, he found that he had been in the hospital for a -week. - - * * * * * - -_Private Murphy_—“Shure, wid all them women’s movements, I belave we’ll -have women soldiers by and by.” - -_Private Flannigan_—“Not a bit of it, shure, the arms that defied the -counthry will always be clothed in trousers!” - - * * * * * - -_Mike O’Mulligan_ (In hospital operating room, just recovering from -effects of chloroform)—“Och, be the powers, where am I? Where is it I am, -at all, at all?” - -_Surgeon Sawbones_ (with a wink to his assistant)—“In Heaven.” - -_Mulligan_ (looking around)—“Thin I’d like to know phwat the pair of yez -is doin’ here?” - - * * * * * - -GOOD LOGIC - -_Pat_—“I say, Mick, I’m very hard up. Can you lind me the loan of a -dollar?” - -_Mick_—“Begorro, Pat, to tell yer the thruth, I haven’t a dime on me. -Every penny I get I give to my poor old mother.” - -_Pat_—“Be jabbers, Mick, I’ve just been talking to yer mother, and she -tells me ye never give her a cent.” - -_Mick_—“Oh, well, Pat if I don’t give my poor old mother a cent, what -sort of a chance have you got of getting any?” - - - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning German Quickly. - -A new system, on the most simple principles for universal self-tuition, -with complete English pronunciation of every word. Next to our own, the -German language is the most prevalent in this country to-day, as a large -percentage of our population is either German or of German extraction, -therefore the German language is worth knowing. With the aid of this book -any person can acquire a thorough knowledge of the German language, as -the method for learning is so simple that a child could understand it. -Revised edition. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of =30 Cents=. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning French Quickly. - -Uniform with and arranged the same as the “German Quickly,” being the -easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the French -language, with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning Spanish Quickly. - -Arranged the same as the “German and French,” being the easiest method -published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the Spanish language, -with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning Italian Quickly. - -Uniform in size and style with the “German, French and Spanish,” being -the easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge of the -Italian language, with the English pronunciation of every word. Revised -edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -WEHMAN BROS.’ Easy Method for Learning Polish Quickly. - -Uniform in size and style with the “German, French, Spanish and Italian,” -being the easiest method published for acquiring a thorough knowledge -of the Polish language, with the English pronunciation of every word. -Revised edition. - -PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid. - - -Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York City. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH YARNS WIT AND HUMOR NO 2 *** - -***** This file should be named 60216-0.txt or 60216-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/2/1/60216/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2 - -Author: Anonymous - -Release Date: September 1, 2019 [EBook #60216] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH YARNS WIT AND HUMOR NO 2 *** - - - - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> -<img src="images/cover.jpg" width="500" height="650" alt="" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> -<img src="images/ad1.jpg" width="500" height="650" alt="" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<p class="titlepage">WEHMAN BROS.’</p> - -<p class="titlepage larger">IRISH YARNS<br /> -WIT AND HUMOR</p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 250px;"> -<img src="images/no-2.jpg" width="250" height="50" alt="No. 2" /> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter titlepage" style="width: 100px;"> -<img src="images/deco.jpg" width="100" height="50" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="titlepage">PUBLISHED BY<br /> -WEHMAN BROS.<br /> -NEW YORK</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<div class="adbox"> - -<p class="center"><b>WEHMAN BROS.’<br /> -<span class="smaller">BOOK ON</span></b></p> - -<p class="center"><b><span class="smaller">HOW TO</span><br /> -BECOME AN <span class="larger">American Citizen</span></b></p> - -<p class="center"><b>PRICE 15 CENTS.</b></p> - -<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"> -<img src="images/citizen.jpg" width="200" height="300" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p>This new and revised -edition has been compiled -to the present -time, and contains valuable -information for a -foreigner to know before -becoming a citizen -of the land of his adoption. -This practical -volume embraces the -following, viz:—Declaration -of Independence—Articles of -Confederation—Constitution -of the United -States—Time required -to procure residence in -the United States, and -the States of the United -States—Declaration of -Allegiance—Proof of Residence—Admission of Aliens—Questions -asked (and their answers) by the United -States, District and State Supreme Courts—Costs of -Fees, etc. It is well-printed, on a good quality of paper, -and bound in colored cover, and will be sent by mail, -postpaid, to any address on receipt of <b>15 Cents</b>.</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="u">☞ Persons in Foreign Countries must remit by POST OFFICE MONEY ORDER.</span></p> - -<p class="center"><span class="u">☞ FOREIGN COIN, STAMPS, OR POSTAL NOTES NOT ACCEPTED.</span></p> - -<p class="center"><b>Address all orders to WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York.</b></p> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<h1>IRISH YARNS<br /> -No. 2</h1> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">ON JUDGMENT DAY.</p> - -<p>A certain priest and a parishioner were visiting -one night and judgment day was mentioned.</p> - -<p>“What d’ye mean, ‘judgment’ day?” the -man inquired.</p> - -<p>“Judgment day,” replied the priest, “is -the day when all who have died are brought -up for judgment, when their sins are judged -and the verdict—judgment—is pronounced.”</p> - -<p>“Aha,” exclaimed the man. “And will -the A. P. A.’s be there?”</p> - -<p>“Yes, the A. P. A.’s will be there.”</p> - -<p>“Will the Ancient Order of Hibernians be -there?”</p> - -<p>“They certainly will! Why?”</p> - -<p>“Well, I’m thinking there’ll be mighty little -‘judging’ done the first few hours, thin!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat—“That McGinty is a fine fellow.”</p> - -<p>Mick—“Is he?”</p> - -<p>Pat—“He is, indeed. Great friend of mine. -Did you notice how heartily he shook hands -with me?”</p> - -<p>Mick—“I did.”</p> - -<p>Pat—“Great friend of mine. He wasn’t -satisfied with shaking one hand, but he -grabbed hold of both.”</p> - -<p>Mick—“I suppose he thought his watch -and chain would be safer that way.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">EASY FOR PADDY.</p> - -<p>At a political meeting an Irishman watched -closely the trombone player in the band. -Presently the man laid down his instrument -and went out for a beer. Paddy investigated, -and promptly pulled the horn to pieces. The -player returned. “Who’s meddled mit my -drombone?” he roared. “Oi did,” said -Paddy. “Here ye’ve been for two hours -tryin’ to pull it apart, an’ Oi did it in wan -minute!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mike—“What a red nose that Sweeney has.”</p> - -<p>“Whist, man; he spint a barrel of money -to get it to the pink of perfection.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It was in the wilds of Tipperary, and the local -and long-suffering landlord had been ill-advised -enough to ask for a bit of rent on account—the -same being some few years overdue. -Roused to fury at this unlooked-for -and, in their eyes, outrageous demand, Mike -and Pat decided to “wait for” the base and -greedy tyrant. And they did—behind a -hedge with a shot-gun. An hour passed. -Their feet and their fingers were numbed -with the cold, and, worse than that, the -dhrop or half-bottle of the crathur was gone.</p> - -<p>Said Pat to Mike, in a hoarse whisper: -“Shure, an’ I hope nothing can have happened -to the onfortunate gintleman!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Not long ago a young Irishman was seeking -work in western Illinois, and among -those to whom he applied was a farmer near -Cairo.</p> - -<p>The farmer was attracted by the Celt’s -frank, cheery manner, and, while he was not -in need of help, he asked, after a pause:</p> - -<p>“Can you cradle?”</p> - -<p>“Cradle!” repeated the Irishman. “Sure, -I can! But, sir,” he added persuasively, -“couldn’t ye give me a job out of dures?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Murphy—“Oi hear yer brother-in-law, -Pat Keegan, is pretty bad off.”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Casey—“Shure, he’s good for a year -yit.”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Murphy—“As long as that?”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Casey—“Yes; he’s had four different -doctors, and each one uv thim gave him three -months to live.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Dundee shopkeeper asked an Irishman -who was standing at a street corner if he -wanted a job.</p> - -<p>“Yes, sor,” replied the Irishman.</p> - -<p>“Well, now, what would you take to clear -the snow away from my premises?”</p> - -<p>“A shovel, sor!” was the sharp reply of -the Irishman.</p> - -<p>He got the job.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">A SAVING, ANYWAY.</p> - -<p>O’Brien—“So the landlord lowered the rint -for yez. He’ll save money at that.”</p> - -<p>Casey—“How so?”</p> - -<p>O’Brien—“Shure, it’s less he’ll be losin’ -when ye don’t pay it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">MAKING GOOD USE OF HIM.</p> - -<p>An Italian organ-grinder possessed a monkey -which he “worked” through the summer -months. When the cool days came his -business fell off, and he discontinued his -walks and melodies. An Irishman of his acquaintance -offered him half a dollar a week for -the privilege of keeping and feeding the little -beast. The bargain was made for a month.</p> - -<p>Great curiosity filled the mind of the Italian, -and at last he went ostensibly to see his pet, -but really to find out what possible use Pat -could make of the monkey.</p> - -<p>The Irishman was frank. “It’s loike this,” -he said. “Oi put up a pole in the back yard, -with the monkey on the top. Ten or twelve -trains of cars loaded with coal go by here -every evenin’. There’s men on every car. -Every man takes a heave at the monk. Divil -a wan has hit him, but Oi have sivin tons of -coal.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">PRETTY LOUD.</p> - -<p>An Irishman came to a doctor complaining -that he had noises in his head.</p> - -<p>“Oi have them all the time,” he said, -“an’ sometimes Oi can hear thim fifty feet -away.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Phwat koind av a room would yez loike -to hov, sor? Oi can giv’ yez a back room -in the front av th’ house, or a front room in -th’ back av th’ house jist to suit yer inconvaynience; -or Oi can giv’ yez number sixty-six -or ninety-nine, jist to suit yer inconvaynience—No. -66 is th’ broidle chamber, but -we kape th’ broidle out in th’ shtable.</p> - -<p>“Oi can giv’ yez another lovely room in th’ -middle av the front av th’ hotel, sor—it’s a -lovely place; there do be carpet on th’ floor; -air cushion sofys an’ bir-rds-eye maple chif’niers -an’ runnin’ hot an’ cold wather passin’ -th’ door, whoile th’ bath-tubs are always -supplied wid gold fish; th’ room is loighted -wid indecent lamps thot are supplied wid electricity, -bur-rnin’ noight an’ day in th’ shtreet, -an’ a tooth-brush in ivery room.”</p> - -<p>“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a lady without!”</p> - -<p>“Widout phwat; widout phwat?”</p> - -<p>“Without here, in the hall, sir.”</p> - -<p>“That’s all right; show her up in th’ parlor; -Oi’ll be up in a minute.”</p> - -<p>“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in -room 78, says there’s bedbugs in his bed!”</p> - -<p>“Phwat! Bedbugs in his bed? Go up and -ask him if he wants humming bir-ds in his -bed fer a dollar a day?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span></p> - -<p>“Say, Mr. Clerk, there’s a man upstairs in -room 97 who says the rain came through the -skylight last night and wet him to the skin.”</p> - -<p>“Wet him to th’ skin; charge him 25 cents -extra fer th’ bath. G’wan out av here!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Caller—“Your master’s not at home, eh, -Pat?”</p> - -<p>Pat—“No, sor; he do be in the ould country -these t’ree wakes, sor.”</p> - -<p>Caller—“Excuse me, Pat, but how is it -when your mistress is on this side of the water -master’s on the other, and vice versa? -Is there trouble between them?”</p> - -<p>Pat—“None at all, sor; only they have -agrade bechune ’em that they can live together -better when they’re apart.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Prisoner—“There goes my hat. Shall -I run after it?”</p> - -<p>Officer Casey—“Phwat? Run away and -never come back again? Not on your life. -You stand here and I’ll run after your hat.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">PRECAUTION.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Casey—“Me sister writes me that -every bottle in the box we sent her was -broken. Are you sure yez printed ‘This -side up with care’ on it?”</p> - -<p>Casey—“Oi am. An’ for fear they shouldn’t -see it on the top Oi printed it on the bottom -as well.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">DANGER!</p> - -<p>An Irishman visiting a friend in the hospital -began to take an interest in the other -patients.</p> - -<p>“What are you in here for?” he asked -one.</p> - -<p>“I’ve got tonsillitis, and I’ve got to have -my tonsils cut out,” was the answer.</p> - -<p>“And you?” he asked another.</p> - -<p>“I’ve got blood poisoning in my arm, and -they are going to cut it off,” was the reply.</p> - -<p>“Heavens!” said Pat, in horror, “This -ain’t no place for me. I’ve got a cold in my -head.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Mike, did you ever catch frogs?” “Yes, -sor.” “What did you bait with?” “Bate -’em with a shtick, sor.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>People that take all things literally are apt -to tread on other people’s toes. The Irishman -who walked in where he saw a sign, -“Walk in,” and who was ordered out by the -lawyer was a literal man, and so was the man -that went into a pawnbroker’s shop and demanded -ten dollars because there was a placard -in the window that read,“Look at this -watch for ten dollars.”</p> - -<p>“I looked at it,” said he, “and now I -want my ten dollars.”</p> - -<p>The most amusing incident we have heard -is that of the countryman who, while sauntering -along a city street, saw a sign, “Please -ring the bell for the janitor.”</p> - -<p>After reflecting a few minutes he walked -up and gave the bell such a pull that it nearly -came out by the roots.</p> - -<p>In a few minutes an angry-faced man -opened the door.</p> - -<p>“Are you the janitor?” asked the bell-puller.</p> - -<p>“Yes; what do you want?”</p> - -<p>“I saw that notice, so I rang the bell for -you, and now I want to know why you can’t -ring the bell yourself?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Irishman wanted to sell a dog, but the -prospective buyer was suspicious, and finally -decided not to buy. The man then told him -why he was anxious to sell. “You see,” said -he, “I bought the dog and thrained him -myself. I got him so he’d bark all the time -if a person stepped inside the gate, and I -thought I was safe from burglars. Then me -woife wanted me to thrain him to carry -bundles—and I did. If you put anything -into his mouth, the spalpeen’d keep it there -till some one took it away. Well one night I -woke up and heard some one in the next room. -I got up and grabbed me gun. They were -there, three of the blackguards and the dog.”</p> - -<p>“Didn’t he bark,” interrupted the other.</p> - -<p>“Sorra a bark,” was the reply, “he was -too busy.”</p> - -<p>“Busy,” asked the other, “what doing?”</p> - -<p>“Carrying the lantern for the burglars,” -answered the Irishman.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">NO NEED TO TELL.</p> - -<p>Casey (rolling up his sleeves)—“Did you -tell Reilly Oi was a liar?”</p> - -<p>Murphy—“Oi did not. Oi thought he -knew it!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Paddy Dolan bought a watch from the local -jeweller with a guaranty to keep it in order -for twelve months. About six months -after, Paddy took it back because it had -stopped.</p> - -<p>“You seem to have had an accident with -it,” said the jeweller.</p> - -<p>“A small one, sure enough, sir. About -two months ago I was feeding the pig and it -fell into the trough.”</p> - -<p>“But you should have brought it before.”</p> - -<p>“Sure, your honor, I brought it as soon as -I could. We only killed the pig yesterday.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Kathleen had been put out to service, and -her mistress liked the rosy face of the young -girl. One day Kathleen was sent on an errand -to town. She was longer than usual -and her mistress stood on the porch as she -came through the field. Kathleen was happy -and her mistress observed:</p> - -<p>“Why, Kathleen, what a rosy face you -have to-day! You look as if the dew had -kissed you.”</p> - -<p>Kathleen dropped her eyes and murmured:</p> - -<p>“Indeed, ma’am, but that wasn’t his -name!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Irishman, who couldn’t read, went into -a restaurant and sat down opposite a man -who had a bill of fare in his hands, and concluded -to order whatever the other man ordered -in order not to betray his disordered -learning.</p> - -<p>Stranger—“I will have a plate of soup.”</p> - -<p>Pat—“Give me th’ same.”</p> - -<p>Stranger—“And some oysters.”</p> - -<p>Pat—“Give me th’ same.”</p> - -<p>The stranger ordered what he wanted, -and Pat duplicated the order. Finally, the -stranger told the waiter to order him a bootblack.</p> - -<p>“Give me the same,” said Pat.</p> - -<p>“Won’t one do for both of you?”</p> - -<p>Pat answered—“No, one won’t; if he can’t -eat one, I can!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Why did you leave your last place?” the -housekeeper asked of the new would-be cook.</p> - -<p>“To tell the truth, mum, I just couldn’t stand -the way the master an’ the missus used to -quarrel, mum.”</p> - -<p>“Dear me! Do you mean to say that -they actually used to quarrel?”</p> - -<p>“Yis, mum, all the time. When it wasn’t -me an’ him, it was me and her.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A gentleman was put out of patience by -some blunder of Paddy, his new groom.</p> - -<p>“Look here!” he cried in his anger; “I -won’t have things done in this way. Do -you think I’m a fool?”</p> - -<p>“I can’t say, sir,” answered Paddy; “I -only came here yesterday.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">ONE OF THE SIGHTS.</p> - -<p>A man was visiting Ireland for the first -time. In Dublin one warm afternoon he put -his handkerchief over his nose and said, in a -choked voice, “What the deuce is that?”</p> - -<p>“That?” said his Irish guide. “Why, -that’s the river Liffey. Didn’t ye know, -man, that the smell o’ the Liffey was one o’ -the sights o’ Dublin?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A little Irishman was being examined for -admission to the army. He seemed all right -in every way except one. The doctor said: -“You’re a little stiff.”</p> - -<p>Quickly his Irish blood mounted and he replied: -“You’re a big stiff.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">NOT HIS NAME.</p> - -<p>In Dublin a zealous policeman caught a cab -driver in the act of driving recklessly. The -officer stopped him and said:</p> - -<p>“What’s yer name?”</p> - -<p>“You’d better try to find out,” said the -driver peevishly.</p> - -<p>“Sure, and I will,” said the policeman as -he went around to the side of the cab where -the name ought to have been painted, but the -letters had been rubbed off.</p> - -<p>“Aha!” cried the officer. “Now ye’ll git -yerself into worse disgrace than ever. Yer -name seems to be oblitherated.”</p> - -<p>“You’re wrong!” shouted the driver triumphantly. -“’Tis O’Sullivan.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">NATURAL HISTORY.</p> - -<p>They were looking at the kangaroo at the -zoo when an Irishman said:</p> - -<p>“Beg pardon, sor, phwat kind of a crature -is that?”</p> - -<p>“Oh,” said the gentleman, “that is a native -of Australia.”</p> - -<p>“Good hivins!” exclaimed Pat; “an’ me -sister married wan e’ thim.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A wizened little Irishman applied for a job -loading a ship. At first they said he was too -small, but he finally persuaded them to give him -a trial. He seemed to be making good, until -they gradually increased the size of his load -until on the last trip he was carrying a 300-pound -anvil under each arm. When he was -half-way across the gangplank it broke and -the Irishman fell in. With a great splashing -and sputtering he came to the surface.</p> - -<p>“T’row me a rope!” he shouted, and again -sank. A second time he rose to the surface. -“T’row me a rope. I say!” he shouted again. -Once more he sank. A third time he rose -struggling.</p> - -<p>“Say!” he spluttered angrily, “if one uv -you shpalpeens don’t hurry up an’ t’row me -a rope I’m goin’ to drop one uv these damn -t’ings!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">THE LAST OF THE CARRS.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Nora Mulvaney met her old friend, -Mrs. Bridget Carr, carrying in her arms her -twelfth child.</p> - -<p>“Arrah, now, Bridget,” said Nora, “an’ there -ye are wid another little Carr in yer arms.”</p> - -<p>“Another it is, Mrs. Mulvaney,” replied -her friend, “an’ I’m hopin’ ’tis the caboose.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mike sat busily engaged in copying the -names of the male population of the immediate -vicinity. His good wife, noting the apparent -industry of her lord, asked what he -was doing.</p> - -<p>“Begorra, an’ it’s wroitin’ the names o’ -the min phwat Oi kin lick, so Oi am!” he -exclaimed.</p> - -<p>A few minutes later the woman put on her -shawl and went to Pat O’Leary’s humble -home, where she informed Pat that she saw -his name on the list.</p> - -<p>Without waiting to don his coat, O’Leary -sallied forth in search of Mike, who was -found still engaged at the list.</p> - -<p>“Moike,” said Pat, in a tone that sounded -like the thunders of heaven, “they say as -how yez air makin’ a lisht o’ the felleys yez -kin lick an’ thot me name’s on it.”</p> - -<p>“An’ so ’tis,” retorted Mike.</p> - -<p>“But, rist yer sowl,” exclaimed Pat, shaking -his fist close to Mike’s proboscis, “yez -can’t do it!”</p> - -<p>“Thin I’ll scratch yer name off,” said -Mike, feebly, and he continued adding to the -list.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An old widdy woman went to the undertaker’s -to order a coffin for her deceased husband.</p> - -<p>“He was very, very good to me,” she -said,“and I’ll have a coffin of the best yellow -pine.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, madam. That’ll be $14,” said the -undertaker. “And what kind of trimmings -will you have on the coffin?’ ’</p> - -<p>“Trimmin’s!” cried the widdy woman. -“And right well ye know, ye spalpeen, -that I’ll have no trimmin’s at all, when -it was the trimmin’s that the poor lad died -of, bad luck to ’em!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mistress—“You don’t seem to know anything -about finger-bowls, Norah. Did they -not have them at the last place where you -worked?”</p> - -<p>Maid—“No, ma’am. They usually washed -themselves before they came to the table.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">MISUNDERSTOOD.</p> - -<p>Silas B. Quick (marooned in small Irish hotel)—“Say! -What mails d’yew get here!”</p> - -<p>Pat—“Breakfast, dinner and tay, yer honor.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Casey’s wife is anxious to be a society woman -and the Ancient Order of the Knights of -the Golden Hod were going to give their annual -riot—I mean ball—and as Casey is -the chief hod—I mean knight—of course he -had to be there and his wife wanted to shine—of -course Casey’s a shine but—said she to -Casey: “I’m going to have a new dress for -the ball. I’m going to have the bias cut and -flounced with crepe de chene and with Charlotte -rucheing around the neck—and—”</p> - -<p>“What are you going to have it made out -of?” said Mr. Casey.</p> - -<p>“So that it’ll be light I’ll have it made out -of cheese-cloth,” answered Mrs. Casey.</p> - -<p>“Cheese-cloth?” said Casey.</p> - -<p>“Yis,” said Mrs. Casey—“cheese-cloth.”</p> - -<p>“Begorry! If you’re going to have it -made out of limburger-cheese cloth you’ll -go alone,” said Mr. Casey.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Grogan—“Wake oop, ye foghorn. -Oi can’t shlape a wink on account av your -shnorin’.”</p> - -<p>Mr. Grogan—“Ye must thry an’ get used to -it, the same as I hov. Oi niver notice it meself -at all, at all.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">DIDN’T SOUND GOOD.</p> - -<p>Softly the nurse smoothed the sufferer’s -pillow. He had been admitted only that -morning, and now he looked up pleadingly at -the nurse that stood at his bedside.</p> - -<p>“An’ phwat did ye say the docther’s name -was, nurse, dear,” he asked.</p> - -<p>“Dr. Kilpatrick,” was the reply. “He’s -the senior house surgeon.”</p> - -<p>“That settles it,” he muttered, firmly, -“that docther won’t get a chanst to operate -on me.”</p> - -<p>“Why not?” asked the nurse in surprise. -“He’s a very clever man.”</p> - -<p>“Tha he may be,” the patient said. -“But me name happens to be Patrick.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Patrick worked for a notoriously stingy -boss and lost no chance to let the fact be -known. Once a waggish friend, wishing to -twit him, remarked:</p> - -<p>“Pat, I heard that your boss just gave you -a brand-new suit of clothes.”</p> - -<p>“No,” said Pat, “only par-rt of a suit.”</p> - -<p>“What part?”</p> - -<p>“The sleeves iv the vest!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>O’Brien died, and at the wake his friends got -filled up with good whiskey. They finally took -O’Brien’s body down to Kelly’s saloon and -sat it in a chair at a table and drank his health. -After several rounds they left the place, forgetting -O’Brien’s body, which they left sitting -at the table where they had placed it. -Kelly wanted to close up, so he walked over to -O’Brien and shook him, trying to wake him -up. Failing in his efforts to arouse him, he became -angry, and securing a club from behind -the bar, smashed O’Brien over the head with -it. O’Brien fell to the floor, and just at that -moment his friends came back to get the -corpse, having remembered him. They pretended -to be horrified, and charged Kelly -with having killed O’Brien with a club. -“You’ve murdered him in cold blood,” said -one of the gang. “You’re a liar,” said Kelly, -“he pulled a razor on me first.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">OLD FRIENDS.</p> - -<p>“I tell you,” said Pat, “the ould friends -are the best, after all, and I can prove it.”</p> - -<p>“How?”</p> - -<p>“Where can you find a new friend that -has stood by you as long as the ould ones -have?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Irishman went to England in search -of work, and when shown his room in the -boarding-house the landlady remarked:</p> - -<p>“There’s your bed, Pat, and there are two -more to sleep with you, but they won’t be in -till late, so don’t be alarmed.”</p> - -<p>“They’re welcome,” replied Pat. Before -retiring Pat locked his bedroom door and during -the night he was awakened by great knocking.</p> - -<p>“Whose there?” asked Pat.</p> - -<p>“We are the lodgers. Open.”</p> - -<p>“No room for ye,” replied Pat.</p> - -<p>“How many of you are in the room?” -they asked.</p> - -<p>“Enough,” said Pat. “There’s meself, Paddy -Murphy, a man that came over from Ireland, -a man looking for work, a man with a -wife and six children, an’ a Tipperary man, -too.” By this time they had fled.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Well,” said the doctor to Pat, “did that -cure for deafness really help your brother?”</p> - -<p>“Arrah, sure enough,” said Pat. “He hadn’t -heard a sound for years, and the day after he -took that medicine he heard from a friend in -America.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>She was a sweet little thing with the most -waspy of wasplike waists, and passers-by had -nothing but admiration in their eyes for her.</p> - -<p>But what was that? She had fainted. Tenderly -they carried her into a drug store. An -Irishman who had observed the occurrence, -looked in after a few minutes, and inquired:</p> - -<p>“How is she now?”</p> - -<p>“Oh,” was the reply, “she’s coming to.”</p> - -<p>“Ah,” murmured the son of Erin, “come -in two—has she? Poor thing! Bedad, it’s -just what I was afraid of.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">IN A HURRY.</p> - -<p>A traveler finding that he had a couple of -hours in Dublin, called a cab and told the -driver to drive him around for two hours. -At first all went well, but soon the driver began -to whip up his horse so that they narrowly -escaped several collisions.</p> - -<p>“What’s the matter?” demanded the passenger. -“Why are you driving so recklessly? -I’m in no hurry.”</p> - -<p>“Ah, g’wan wid yez,” retorted the cabby. -“D’ye think thot I’m goin’ to put in me -whole day drivin’ ye around for two hours? -Gitap!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>As Paddy was jogging along one day with -his ass and cart to market he was accosted by -a man having a marked Lancashire accent, -who, thinking it would be fun to have a joke -at Paddy’s expense, said:</p> - -<p>“How much would you charge for driving -me all the way to Caherciveen?”</p> - -<p>“Begorra, sir,” said Paddy, “I would be -only too glad to drive you there, and a long, -long piece farther, for nothing, but I am -afraid I can’t oblige you this time, ’cos I -don’t think the harness would fit you.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Englishman traveling in Kilkenny, -came to a ford and hired a boat to take him -across. The water being more agitated than -agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if -any person was ever lost in the passage?</p> - -<p>“Niver,” replied Pat; “me brother was -drowned here last week, but we found him -the next day.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“’Ow did yer git that black eye, Pat?”</p> - -<p>“Oi slipped an’ fell on me back.”</p> - -<p>“But yer face ain’t on yer back.”</p> - -<p>“No—naythur was Flannigan.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Two Irishmen, long enemies, met one day, -and one of them said: “What’s the sinse -of two intilligent min goin’ along, year after -year, like a couple of wild cats spittin’ at each -other? Here we live in the same tiniment, -and ’tis a burnin’ shame that we do be actin’ -like a couple of boobies. Come along wid -yer and shake hands, and we’ll make up and -be friends.” Which they did, and then they -went to an adjacent saloon to cement the -friendship with a glass of grog. Both stood at -the bar in silence. One looked at the other -and said: “What are you thinkin’ about?” -“O’m thinkin’ the same thing that you are.” -“Oh, so ye’re startin’ again, are you?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Mr. Mulligan,” said Dennis, “you must -have binifitted by the death of your mother-in-law, -for whom you had shmall affection -while she lived.”</p> - -<p>“I did.”</p> - -<p>“What did she leave you?”</p> - -<p>“She left me alone—isn’t that enough?”</p> - -<p>“But I understand you’ve been spinding a -hundred dollars, if you’ve spint a cent, to get -her out of purgatory.”</p> - -<p>“Whisht now, and isn’t it worth it to get -her out before I get in.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Shure,” said Clancy, as he peeled the paper -off a tomato can and threw it to the goat; -“an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we Amer’kans -hov. Oi wint out to this Fort Hamilton -th’ other day wid Biddy boi me soide, -for Oi got to thinkin’ thot it wur th’ dooty av -ivry citizen to make himself acquainted wid -all thot phwich makes his counthry great. -An’ it’s barely in the grounds we are befoor wan -av thim sentries sez, sez he, ‘Who goes there?’”</p> - -<p>“‘Phwere?’ I asks, turnin’ round.</p> - -<p>“Who goes there!” he yells wance agin -wid a thrifle higher infliction.</p> - -<p>“‘Oi asked yez phwere?’ sez Oi wid some -slight asper-ritty in me tones.</p> - -<p>“Now phwin he yells ‘Who goes there?’ -agin it’s mad Oi got. Oi tould him thot Oi wuz -willin’ loike a gintlemon to hilp him wid his -quistion, but thot Oi didn’t see anybody goin’ -there or annyphwere, an’ thot Oi thought -Oi wuz bein’ guyed, an’ afther callin’ him a -sassenach Oi threatened to divist his donkey -hid av it’s ears, phwich th’ same led to a -foight, an’ the foight led me to th’ guard-house. -How th’ divil wur Oi to know thot -‘Who goes there?’ means ‘Who are yez?’</p> - -<p>“Shure an’ it’s a quare langwidge thot we -Amer’kans hov.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mike and Murphy had hired a boat for the -day. All went well till the afternoon, when, -unfortunately, the boat sprang a leak and water -rushed in at a terrible rate. Murphy began -bailing as hard as he could; but looking -up a moment or so later, he saw Mike apparently -busy over something else at the other -end of the boat.</p> - -<p>“Hi, man,” he cried angrily, “what are ye -doing?”</p> - -<p>“Shure,” said Mike, “I’m boring another -hole, bedad, to let the water out!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">TOO PREVIOUS.</p> - -<p>A servant went to consult a fortune-teller, -and she returned wailing dismally.</p> - -<p>“Did she predict some great trouble?” -her mistress asked, sympathetically.</p> - -<p>“Och! mum, sich terrible news,” moaned -Norah, rocking backward and forward, -wringing her hands. “She tould me that -my father wurks hard for a living shoveling -coals and tending foires.”</p> - -<p>“But that’s no disgrace or sorrow,” said -her mistress, a trifle vexed.</p> - -<p>“Och! mum, my poor father,” sobbed -Norah, “he’s bin dead these noine years!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An amusing story of amateur sport comes -from Rockville, Maryland, where each year -there is held a series of races “for all comers.”</p> - -<p>The sun was blazing on a field of hot, excited -horses and men, all waiting for a tall -raw-boned beast to yield to the importunities -of the starter and get into line.</p> - -<p>The patience of the starter was nearly exhausted. -“Bring up that horse!” he shouted. -“Bring him up! You’ll get into trouble -pretty soon if you don’t!”</p> - -<p>The rider of the refractory beast, a youthful -Irishman, yelled back: “I can’t help it. -This here’s been a cab horse, and he won’t -start till the door shuts, an’ I ain’t got no -door!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">GENUINE IRISH RETORT.</p> - -<p>At the Criminal Court, a few days since, a -learned gentleman, dissatisfied at his success -with an Irish witness, complained to the court. -Paddy exclaimed, “I’m no lawyer, yer honor, -and he wants to puzzle me.”</p> - -<p>Counsel—“Come, now, do you swear you -are no lawyer?”</p> - -<p>Witness—“Faith, an’ I do; and you may -swear the same thing about yourself, without -fear of being liable for perjury.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A gentleman visited the house of a friend. -The butler, an Irishman, acted very kindly -toward him. He waited upon him at dinner, -brushed his clothes, and saw him into his carriage. -The gentleman, who was very miserly, -never offered a tip, so, as a little reminder, Pat -said to him: “Faith, sor, if you lose your -purse on the way, remember you didn’t pull -it out hereabouts.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">JUST THAT QUICK?</p> - -<p>Casey reached heaven in good time.</p> - -<p>“Hello, St. Peter,” said he, “’tis a foine -job you have.”</p> - -<p>“Right, Casey. ’Tis a great place here. -We count a million years as a minute and a -million dollars as a cent.”</p> - -<p>“Is that so,” said Casey, wonderingly. -“Well, it’s money I need. Well you lend -me a cent, St. Peter?”</p> - -<p>“Sure,” replied St. Peter. “In a minute.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat, who had lost his way in the mazes of -a large exposition, finally went up to one of -the guards and said:</p> - -<p>“Will yez tell me the way to the goin’ out -intrance?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">MAYBE SO.</p> - -<p>In an Irish court-house an old man was called -into the witness box, and being confused and -somewhat near-sighted he went up the stairs -that led to the bench instead of those that led -to the box. The Judge good-humoredly said:</p> - -<p>“Is it a Judge you want to be, my good man?”</p> - -<p>“Ah, sure, yer worship,” was the reply. “I’m -an old man now, and mebbe it’s all I’m fit for.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Not long since Norah was about to industriously -swing the broom around the parlor furniture, -when she was summoned by her mistress.</p> - -<p>“Before you sweep the parlor, Norah,” said -the mistress as the servant girl entered the -room, “I want to give you some advice about -your broom.”</p> - -<p>“Yes, mum,” was the wondering rejoinder of -Norah; “phat’s the matter wid the broom?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Begorra, Moike, we can’t go down thot -road.”</p> - -<p>“An’ whoy not, Pat?”</p> - -<p>“Sure, me bye, it says ‘For Pedestrians -Only,’ an’ we both be Oirishmen.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>McGinty was walking along Broadway when -it began to rain. In front he thought he saw -his friend Dugan, with an umbrella.</p> - -<p>He slapped him on the back and said, jokingly: -“Halloa! Give me that umbrella!”</p> - -<p>When the man turned and McGinty saw his -face he realized that he was an utter stranger. -Naturally, he was embarrassed. But the other -man appeared even more surprised, and immediately -handed over the umbrella.</p> - -<p>“I beg your pardon,” he apologized. “I -didn’t know it belonged to you.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Cassidy, a green brakeman on the Colorado -Mudline was making his first trip to Ute Pass. -They were going up a very steep grade, and -with unusual difficulty the engineer succeeded -in reaching the top. At the Cascade station, -looking out of his cab, the engineer saw the new -brakeman and said with a sigh of relief:</p> - -<p>“I tell you what, my lad, we had a job to -get up there, didn’t we?”</p> - -<p>“Shure and we did,” said Cassidy, “and if -I hadn’t put on the brakes, we’d have slipped -back.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">EITHER OR AYTHER.</p> - -<p>Two Irishmen, Pat and Mike, stood looking -at bricklayers who were working on a building -that was being erected, when the following conversation -was overheard:</p> - -<p>Mike—“Pat, kin yez tell me what kapes them -bricks together?”</p> - -<p>Pat—“Sure, Mike; it’s the mortar.”</p> - -<p>Mike—“Not by a dom sight; that keeps them -apart.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“The noight was that dark, Moike,” said Pat, -while relating a past experience; “that no matther -how far oi looked oi couldn’t see a step -ahead of me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Irishman came home from work one -day and said to his wife: “Mary, we had an -awful accident on the job to-day!”</p> - -<p>“Was annyone hurt?” she asked.</p> - -<p>“Well,” he said, “there was twenty-one Eyetalians -and one Irishman killed!”</p> - -<p>“Well,” said she, “isn’t it too bad about the -poor fellow!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The train had stopped, and the fat old Irish -woman put her head out of the window and inquired -of a young railway porter what it was -stopping for.</p> - -<p>The young man was inclined to be facetious.</p> - -<p>“Engine out late last night, ma’am,” he remarked, -with a smile, “so she’s got a thirst on -her this morning; they’re giving ’er a drop o’ -water.”</p> - -<p>“And are ye shure it’s water?” queried the -dame.</p> - -<p>“If you’ll wait a minute I’ll inquire whether -they’re givin’ ’er port wine,” he grinned.</p> - -<p>“Shure, and never mind, young man, don’t be -troublin’ yoursilf,” came the answer. “I -thought, perhaps, by the way we’ve been gitting -along, it was sloe gin!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>O’Donohue:—Oi got the crate of chickens -you was sendin’ me allright, but next time Oi -wist ye’d fasten them up, more securely. Comin’ -from the station the damn things get out. Oi -spent hours scouring the neighborhood and thin -only found tin of them.</p> - -<p>McGinty:—S-s-sh! Oi only sent six.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">BREAKING THE NEWS.</p> - -<p>Pat had been delegated by his fellow employees -to tell Mrs. Casey the news of her -husband’s accidental death. On the way to -the Casey home, Pat pondered on how to break -the news to the widow. Finally he hit on what -seemed to him a most humane way of preparing -Mrs. Casey for the sad news.</p> - -<p>Knowing the violent hatred which Mrs. -Casey as well as all loyal Irishmen have for -the A. P. A., he said on greeting the woman:</p> - -<p>“Ah, Mrs. Casey, it is bad news I have to -bring you. Your husband, Mike, has turned -an A. P. A.”</p> - -<p>“Mike turned A. P. A.! The scoundrel, I -hope he is dead.”</p> - -<p>“He is,” answered Pat.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">THEIR USE.</p> - -<p>“What good are the figures set down in these -railway time-tables?” asked the sarcastic and -angry would-be passenger.</p> - -<p>“Why,” explained the genial Irish station-master, -“if it weren’t for them figures we’d -have no way of findin’ out how late the trains -are.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Tom Callahan got a job on the section working -for a railroad. The superintendent told -him to go along the line looking for washouts.</p> - -<p>“And don’t be as long-winded in your next -reports as you have been in the past,” said the -superintendent; “just report the condition of -the roadbed as you find it, and don’t use a lot -of needless words that are not to the point. -Write like a business letter, not like a love-letter.”</p> - -<p>Tom proceeded on his tour of inspection and -when he reached the river, he wrote his report -to the superintendent:</p> - -<p>“Sir: Where the railroad was, the river -is.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An unfaithful steward had embezzled a large -sum of money, and his employer asked advice -from friends as to how he should be dealt with.</p> - -<p>“Get rid of him at once,” advised an Englishman. -“Keep him on and deduct the sum from -his wages,” said a Scotchman.</p> - -<p>“But,” said the landlord, “the sum he has embezzled -is far bigger than his wages.”</p> - -<p>“Then raise his wages,” suggested an Irishman.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A Galway man named Pat Carr was met one -day by an English tourist, who said to him:</p> - -<p>“What’s your name?”</p> - -<p>“Carr,” said Pat.</p> - -<p>“Well, well,” said the Englishman, “you’re -the first car I ever saw going without an ass, -so you’re a great curiosity to me.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” said Pat, “you’re not the first ass -I saw going without a car, so you’re no curiosity -to me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>During some building operations it was necessary -for the workmen to walk across a single -plank some distance from the ground. Whenever -it came to Pat’s turn, the foreman noticed -that he walked across on all fours. So -he went up to Pat and asked contemptuously:</p> - -<p>“What’s the trouble, man? Are you afraid -of walking on the plank?”</p> - -<p>“No, begorra,” said Pat, “but I’m afraid of -walking off it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What do we need for dinner, Bridget?” asked -the lady of the house.</p> - -<p>“Shure, mum, Oi tripped over th’ cat an’ we -nade a complete new set av dishes.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">A GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEME.</p> - -<p>Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment -were going into the trenches for the first time, -and their captain promised them five shillings -each for every German they killed.</p> - -<p>Pat lay down to rest, while Mick performed -the duty of watching. Pat had not lain long -when he was awakened by Mick shouting:</p> - -<p>“They’re comin’! They’re comin’!”</p> - -<p>“Who’s comin’?” shouts Pat.</p> - -<p>“The Germans,” replies Mick.</p> - -<p>“How many are there?”</p> - -<p>“About fifty thousand.”</p> - -<p>“Begorra,” shouts Pat, jumping up and grabbing -his rifle, “our fortune’s made!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Patrick had called on his Betsy and she gave -him a handsome helping of her special make of -apple pie. Patrick was loud in its praise.</p> - -<p>“I tried a new way,” said Betsy, beaming. -“I put a few gooseberries in to flavor it.”</p> - -<p>“Begorra!” cried Patrick. “If a few gooseberries -give so good a flavor to an apple pie, -what a darlint of an apple pie it would be made -o’ gooseberries entoirely!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">PROVED BY EXPERIMENT.</p> - -<p>Mouldy Mike—These ’ere newspapers is just -a pack o’ lies, that’s wot they are.</p> - -<p>Ragged Robert—Wot yeh been readin’.</p> - -<p>“I read an account of a feller from New -York wot went inter a big hotel in a small -town, an’ said he wanted to buy the hotel, an’ -made ’em an offer, an’ give ’em a check wot -wasn’t no good, an’ lived there a week on the -fat o’ the land ’fore he had to light out w’en -the check came back, an’ it never cost him a -cent—that’s wot the paper said.”</p> - -<p>“Mebby that’s true.”</p> - -<p>“No, it ain’t.”</p> - -<p>“How do yer know?”</p> - -<p>“How do I know? Why, quick as I read it -I tried it meself—an’ they kicked me out.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat, with a little bit of drink in him, was -standing on the sidewalk sneering at a Jewish -peddler. The peddler stood the jeers for some -time, but Pat became too personal.</p> - -<p>“Don’t you know,” said the Hebrew, “that -the country is financed by the Jews?”</p> - -<p>“Maybe they does,” retorted Pat, “but bejabbers -the Irish runs it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A sewerman returned home one distressingly -hot day thoroughly exhausted, to find his better-half -also tired out after spending the greater -part of the day at the washtub. At the time -he entered, however, she was seated, fanning -herself vigorously. “Ain’t ye got no supper?” -he asked somewhat angrily. “Supper, is it?” -she asked. “Go on wid you! Me all tired out -from a hard day’s wurruk in the hate, an’ you -come home an’ ask for yer supper! Aisy indade -for you all day down in a nice cool sewer!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Which would yez rather be in, Casey, an -explosion or a collision?” asked his friend McCarthy.</p> - -<p>“In a collision,” replied Casey.</p> - -<p>“Why?”</p> - -<p>“Because in a collision, there yez are; but -in an explosion, where are yez?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“What’s your name prisoner?”</p> - -<p>“Casey, yer honor.”</p> - -<p>“Your full name.”</p> - -<p>“Casey, sorr, full or sober!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Arrah, me darlint,” cried Jamie O’Flanigan -to his loquacious sweetheart, who had given him -no opportunity of even answering her remarks -during a two hours ride behind his little bay -nags in his oyster wagon—“are yes afther -knowing why yer cheeks are like my ponies -there?”</p> - -<p>“Shure, and it’s because they’re red, is it?” -quoth the blushing Bridget.</p> - -<p>“Faith and a better reason than that, mavourneen. -Because there is one of them each side -of a waggin’ tongue!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat and Mike were passing the butcher’s stall, -where there was a pair of chickens for sale.</p> - -<p>“We’ll buy them,” said Mike, “and who ever -has the best dream to-night can cook them for -himself to-morrow.”</p> - -<p>When they awoke that morning Pat related -his dream.</p> - -<p>“I dreamt that angels carried me up to -heaven.”</p> - -<p>“You’re right,” chimed Mike. “I saw you -going up and thought you would never come -back, so I got up, cooked the fowls and -ate them.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">IN IRELAND.</p> - -<p>“We never needed any of them new-fangled -scales in Ireland,” said O’Hara. “There’s an -aisy way to weigh a pig without scales. You -get a plank and put it across a stool. Then -you get a big stone. Put the pig on one end -of the plank and the stone on the other end, -and shift the plank until they balance. Then -you guess the weight of the stone and you have -the weight of the pig.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Irishman announced that he was about -to be married.</p> - -<p>“Married!” exclaimed his friend. “An old -man like you?”</p> - -<p>“Well, you see,” the old man explained, “it’s -just because I’m getting an ould bhoy now. -’Tis a foine thing, Pat, to have a wife near ye -to close the eyes of ye when ye come to the -end.”</p> - -<p>“Arrah, now, ye old fule!” exclaimed Pat. -“Don’t be so foolish. What do ye know about -it? Close yer eyes, indade! I’ve had a couple -of thim, an’, faith, they both of thim opened -mine!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The Irishman was walking along the bank of -the river. He was fuming with rage, for -that day he had a dispute with a neighbor over -the ownership of a pig. Suddenly a cry for -help rent the air and, turning round, he saw -a man struggling in the water.</p> - -<p>Seeing Mike on the bank, the man in the -water waved his hand and shouted:</p> - -<p>“Hey, mate, drope me a line!”</p> - -<p>In a flash the man on the bank recognized -his adversary in the pig dispute. Thrusting his -hands in his pockets he made to resume his -walk, remarking over his shoulder:</p> - -<p>“Shure, but there ain’t no post offices where -ye’re goin’ to!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>A ganger on one of our large lines of railways -had a keen Irish wit. One warm afternoon, -while walking along the line, he found -one of his men placidly sleeping on the embankment. -The “boss” looked disgustedly at -the delinquent for a full minute, and then remarked:</p> - -<p>“Slape on, ye lazy spalpeen, slape on, fur -as long as you slape you’ve got a job, but when -you wake up you ain’t got none.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">WOULDN’T NEED TO.</p> - -<p>Pat walked into the Post Office. After getting -into the telephone box he called a wrong -number. As there was no such number the -switch attendant did not answer him. Pat -shouted again, but received no answer.</p> - -<p>The lady of the Post Office opened the door -and told him to shout a little louder, which he -did, but still no answer.</p> - -<p>Again she said he would require to speak -louder.</p> - -<p>Pat got angry at this, and, turning to the -lady, said:</p> - -<p>“Begorra, if I could shout any louder I -wouldn’t use your bloomin’ ould telephone at -all!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat had just arrived from Ireland when -Mike, who had been in America for some years, -spied him.</p> - -<p>“Faith, Pat!” exclaimed Mike, “what are -you doing over here?”</p> - -<p>“I’ve come over,” answered Pat, “to try if -I can make an honest living.”</p> - -<p>“Begorra, Mike, me boy, that’s dead aisy -over here, for it’s dommed little competition -you’ll have in this country.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>In the court-house an Irishman stood charged -with stealing a watch from a fellow citizen. He -stoutly denied the impeachment, and brought a -counter-accusation against his accuser for assault -and battery committed with a frying-pan. -The judge was inclined to take a common sense -view of the case, and regarding the prisoner, -said, “Why did you allow the prosecutor, who -is a smaller man than yourself, to assault you, -without resistance? Had you nothing in your -hand to defend yourself with?” “Bedad, your -honor,” answered Pat, “I had his watch, but -what was that against a frying-pan?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat (reading notice on bank door)—“This -bank will reopen after the meeting of the assignees.” -“Begob, it will be a long time before -their assandknees meet.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Clancy:—Dugan ate something that poisoned -him.</p> - -<p>Dick:—Croquette?</p> - -<p>Clancy:—Not yit begorra, but he’s very -sick.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>For three solid hours the captain had been -lecturing his men on “the duties of a soldier,” -and he thought it was time to see how much -they had understood of his discourse.</p> - -<p>Casting his eyes round the room, he fixed on -Private Murphy as his first victim.</p> - -<p>“Private Murphy,” he asked, “why should -a soldier be ready to die for his country?”</p> - -<p>Private Murphy scratched his head for a moment -and then a smile of enlightenment crossed -his face.</p> - -<p>“Sure, Captain,” he said, pleasantly, “you’re -quite right. Why should he?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Maggie: “What’s wrong with the car? It -squeaks dreadfully.”</p> - -<p>Patty: “Shure and it can’t be helped; there’s -pig-iron in the axles.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mistress: “Mary, were you entertaining a -man in the kitchen last night?”</p> - -<p>Mary: “That’s for him to say, mum. I was -doin’ the best I could with the materials I could -find.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat Rooney was a new arrival on the job. -Having gone to the top of the building and -failed to return, the foreman shouted up:</p> - -<p>“Come on, Pat, what’s keeping ye?”</p> - -<p>“Sure,” said Pat, “I can’t find my way -down.”</p> - -<p>“Well, come down the way ye went up,” -shouted the foreman.</p> - -<p>“Faith, an’ I won’t,” says Pat, “for I came -up head first.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>It was during the dry spell a few months ago, -and a shower having come up, Dr. Blank remarked -to his gardener, “This rain will do a -lot of good, Patrick.”</p> - -<p>“Ye may well say that, sorr,” returned Pat. -“Shure an hour of it now will do more good -in five minutes than a month of it would do -in a week at any other time.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">REVERSED.</p> - -<p>Mike—“What makes you order ice cream for -the first course and soup for the last?”</p> - -<p>Pat—“Well, my stomach is upset, so I eat -the meal backwards.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.</p> - -<p>Pat (shyly)—I want to see some weddin’ -rings.</p> - -<p>Jeweler—Eighteen karats?</p> - -<p>Pat (loudly)—No, I’ve been atin’ onions and -I don’t know that it is any of your business -what I’ve been atin’.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat: “Phwat was the last card Oi dealt ye, -Mike?”</p> - -<p>Mike: “A spade.”</p> - -<p>Pat: “Oi knew it was, Oi saw ye spit on yer -hand before ye picked it up.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“If everyone in the world was as dishonest -as you are,” remarked an Irish judge, as he -addressed a swindler before him; “I don’t -know what would become of the rest of us.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“It’s thrue,” said Paddy to Dennis one day, -“it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye’re -standin’ sit down, an’ Oi’ll tell ye all about it.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">MIKE’S PRECAUTION.</p> - -<p>Mike—“Begorra, an’ I had to go thru the -woods the other night where Casey was murdered -last year an’ that they say is haunted, an’, -bedad, I walked backward the whole way.”</p> - -<p>Pat—“An’ what for wuz we after doin’ -that?”</p> - -<p>Mike—“Faith, man, so that I could see if -anything wuz comin’ up behind me.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Murphy: “I want to see some mirrors.”</p> - -<p>Shopwalker: “Hand mirrors, Madam?”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Murphy: “No. Some that you can see -your face in.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Patrick—“Will you marry me?”</p> - -<p>Intended:—“Yes, darlin’.”</p> - -<p>“Darlin’, why don’t you say something.”</p> - -<p>Patrick:—“Oi’ve said too much already.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mike—Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn’t -got an enemy in the world.</p> - -<p>Pat—What did he die of?</p> - -<p>Mike—Oh; he wur killed in a foight.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">ASPIRATION.</p> - -<p>An Irish mother who had occasion to reprove -her eldest son exclaimed, “I just wish -that your father was at home some evening to -see how you behave yourself when he is out!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“Good mornin’ to ye, Mrs. Cassidy. An’ is -the likely lookin’ young feller in yer third floor -front a mimber of the church?”</p> - -<p>“Naw, Mrs. Haggerty, I’m sorry to say he -ain’t. He’s just an unconfirmed roomer.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat—“An’ what did your ould woman say -whin ye come in at three o’clock this mornin’?”</p> - -<p>Mike—“Sure, the darlin’ soul never said a -worrud. An I was goin’ to have thim two front -teeth pulled out anyway.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat (going to battle): Why are you carrying -that comb?</p> - -<p>Mike: Sur’in fate, ’tis the easiest one to -part with.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Murphy:—“Did yez hear of the awful -fright Harry got on his weddin’ day?”</p> - -<p>Her Husband:—“Shure, and don’t Oi know -it, wasn’t Oi there—and didn’t Oi see her.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>“This is the fourth morning you’ve been late, -Bridget,” said the mistress to her maid.</p> - -<p>“Shure, Ma’am,” replied Bridget, “I over-slept -meself.”</p> - -<p>“Where is the clock I gave you?”</p> - -<p>“In my room ma’am.”</p> - -<p>“And do you set the alarm?”</p> - -<p>“Every night.”</p> - -<p>“But don’t you hear the alarm in the morning, -Bridget?”</p> - -<p>“No ma’am, thot’s the trouble you see the -thing goes off while I’m asleep.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Terence:—I see where Mike has married the -widow, Elizabeth.</p> - -<p>Foley:—Shure, an’ she has two children, already.</p> - -<p>Maggie:—The lucky divil is what I say.</p> - -<p>Terence:—How so? Lucky is it?</p> - -<p>Maggie:—Shure, an’ by marryin’ her he has -a second-hand Lizzie and two runabouts.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. Muldoon—“Do your dauter, Mary -Ann, take music lessons?”</p> - -<p>Mrs. Mulcahy—“Yis; she took lessons on a -phonygraph and she broke the record.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">TOO MUCH WORK.</p> - -<p>Pat had seen nearly every clock in the place, -but had discarded all of them as not being good -enough for his purpose. The weary shopman -had exhausted his whole stock, except a few -cuckoo clocks, so he brought these forward as -a last resource, and vowed he would do his best -to sell one or know the reason why.</p> - -<p>“Do the clocks strike the hour?” asked Pat, -noticing their curious shape, and half doubting -their capacity to do anything.</p> - -<p>“I’ll show you what they do,” said the salesman; -and he set the hands of one to a few minutes -to twelve. When the little door flew open -and the cuckoo thrust his head out, cuckooing -away for dear life, Pat was thunderstruck. But -when the bird disappeared he looked glum, and -pondered in gloomy thought for a moment.</p> - -<p>“Well, how do you like that?” asked the -salesman. “That’s a staggerer for you, isn’t -it?”</p> - -<p>“Faith and begorra, I should think it is,” declared -Pat. “It’s trouble enough to remember -to wind it, without having to think of feeding -the bird.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The chauffeur never spoke except when addressed, -but his few utterances, given in a -broad brogue, were full of wit.</p> - -<p>One of the men in the party remarked: -“You’re a bright sort of a fellow, and it’s easy -to see that your people came from Ireland.”</p> - -<p>“No, sor; ye are very badly mistaken,” -replied Pat.</p> - -<p>“What!” said the man. “Didn’t they come -from Ireland?”</p> - -<p>“No, sor,” answered Pat, “they’re there yet.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Mrs. Murphy</i>—No, yer Reverence, Pat can’t -go on that scrub-cuttin’ job to-day—he’s in -bed wid snake-bite.</p> - -<p><i>Father O’Grady</i>—Save his soul! An’ so he’s -been bit, eh?</p> - -<p><i>Mrs. Murphy</i>—Not yet, Father; but he has -drank a bottle of brandy ’n case he might be!</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">ON HER CALLING LIST.</p> - -<p>Mrs. Flynn had just moved into the neighborhood, -and an old friend dropped in for a -visit. “And are yez on callin’ terms wid yer -nixt door neighbor yet?”</p> - -<p>“Indade Oi am,” answered the lady. “Oi -called her a thafe, an’ she called me another!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">HEART OUT OF PLACE</p> - -<p>An Irishman was telling of his war wound. -He said: “An’ the bullet went in me chist here, -and come out me back!”</p> - -<p>“But,” said his friend, “it would have gone -thru your heart and killed you.”</p> - -<p>“Faith, an’ me heart was in me mouth at the -time!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">INTERPRETING A DREAM</p> - -<p>“Do ye belave in dhrames, Riley?”</p> - -<p>“Oi do,” was Riley’s reply.</p> - -<p>“Phwat’s it a sign of if a married man -dhrames he’s a bachelor?”</p> - -<p>“It’s a sign thot he’s going to meet wid a -great disappointment when he wakes up.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>The foreman looked him up and down.</p> - -<p>“Are you a mechanic?” he asked.</p> - -<p>“No, sorr,” was the answer. “Oi’m a -McCarthy.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">A PECULIAR POISON</p> - -<p>Professor O’Flanigan held up a small phial, -and the class was silent. “One drop of this -liquid,” said he, impressively, “placed upon the -tongue of a cat is sufficient to kill the strongest -man!”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>For months Pat, who lived in the oil country, -had been drilling unsuccessfully in his back -yard. One day his friends were astonished to -see him rush from his door cheering loudly.</p> - -<p>“What’s the idea, Pat?” he was asked.</p> - -<p>“Haven’t ye heard the good news?”</p> - -<p>“Good Lord! You haven’t struck oil at last, -have you?”</p> - -<p>“No, not yet. But didn’t ye notice how the -price of it went up yesterday?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat and Mike were engaged in a dispute in -a cemetery one day. “Well,” said Pat, “I don’t -like this cemetery at all, at all.”</p> - -<p>“Well,” said Mike, “I think it is a fine cemetery.”</p> - -<p>“No,” said Pat, “I don’t like it at all, at all, -and I’ll never be buried in it as long as I live.”</p> - -<p>“What an unreasonable ould fool ye are, -to be sure,” said Mike, losing his temper. “Why -man alive, it is a fine cemetery, and if my life is -spared, sure I’ll be buried in it.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>An Irishman said that a friend of his had -died suddenly. “Did he live high?” he was -asked. “I can’t say as to that,” replied Mike -“but he died high,—<i>he was hung</i>.”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Mrs. O’Regan—“Did yez ever hov yer palm -read, Mrs. O’Reilly?”</p> - -<p>Mrs. O’Reilly—“Phwat a question, Mrs. -O’Regan! Haven’t I had ten children an’ had -to spank all o’ thim?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">CELTIC SARCASM</p> - -<p><i>The Mistress</i>—“If the eggs are to be kept -fresh, you must lay them in a cool place.”</p> - -<p><i>The Cook</i>—“Oi’ll mintion it to the hens at -wanst.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">AN ILLOGICAL DEDUCTION</p> - -<p>“Begorra,” said Patsy, “Oi couldn’t pay me -five dollar foine, and Oi had to go to gaol for -six days.”</p> - -<p>“An’ how much did yez spend to get drunk?” -asked Mike, rather sarcastically.</p> - -<p>“Oh, ’bout five dollars.”</p> - -<p>“Yez fool, if yez had not spent yez five dollars -for drink, yez’d had five dollars to pay -yer foine wid.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">IMPORTANT</p> - -<p><i>Mrs. O’Toole</i>—“Phwat dy yez think, Pat? -Here’s a mon mintioned in the paper as afther -shootin’ his wife and himself.”</p> - -<p><i>Pat</i>—“Shure, which did he kill fust?”</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">CORRECT TIME.</p> - -<p><i>Pat</i>—“An’ whoy do yez carry two watches?”</p> - -<p><i>Mike</i>—“Faith, Oi nade wan to see how shlow -th’ other wan is.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">FOLLOWING ORDERS.</p> - -<p><i>Doctor</i>—“The room seems cold, Mrs. Hooligan. -Have you kept the thermometer at seventy, -as I told you?”</p> - -<p><i>Mrs. Hooligan</i>—“Shure, an’ Oi hov, dochtor. -There’s th’ devillish thing in a toombler av warrum -wather at this blissid minnut.”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>Pat Dooley went round to the cabin of Mike -Doolan to pass the time of day to him; but -Mike was out. Mrs. Mike was in, boiling the -praties and trying to nurse the child at the same -time. Pat, being a polite boy, offered to dandle -the baby while Mrs. Mike stirred the pot.</p> - -<p>In came Mike. “Good morning to you, Pat.”</p> - -<p>“The top of the morning to you, Mike, and -how’s yourself?”</p> - -<p>“It’s gay and grand I am, and how are you, -Pat?”</p> - -<p>“Just holding my own,” says Pat, tossing the -child.</p> - -<p>And when Pat woke up, he found that he had -been in the hospital for a week.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Private Murphy</i>—“Shure, wid all them -women’s movements, I belave we’ll have women -soldiers by and by.”</p> - -<p><i>Private Flannigan</i>—“Not a bit of it, shure, -the arms that defied the counthry will always be -clothed in trousers!”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><i>Mike O’Mulligan</i> (In hospital operating -room, just recovering from effects of chloroform)—“Och, -be the powers, where am I? -Where is it I am, at all, at all?”</p> - -<p><i>Surgeon Sawbones</i> (with a wink to his assistant)—“In -Heaven.”</p> - -<p><i>Mulligan</i> (looking around)—“Thin I’d like -to know phwat the pair of yez is doin’ here?”</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="center">GOOD LOGIC</p> - -<p><i>Pat</i>—“I say, Mick, I’m very hard up. Can -you lind me the loan of a dollar?”</p> - -<p><i>Mick</i>—“Begorro, Pat, to tell yer the thruth, -I haven’t a dime on me. Every penny I get I -give to my poor old mother.”</p> - -<p><i>Pat</i>—“Be jabbers, Mick, I’ve just been talking -to yer mother, and she tells me ye never -give her a cent.”</p> - -<p><i>Mick</i>—“Oh, well, Pat if I don’t give my poor -old mother a cent, what sort of a chance have -you got of getting any?”</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<div class="bbox-outer"> - -<div class="bbox-top"> - -<div class="figleft smaller"><b>WEHMAN<br />BROS.’</b></div> - -<p class="center"><b>Easy Method for Learning <span class="larger">German</span> <span class="u">Quickly</span>.</b></p> - -<p>A new system, on the most simple principles for universal -self-tuition, with complete English pronunciation of every -word. Next to our own, the German language is the most -prevalent in this country to-day, as a large percentage of -our population is either German or of German extraction, -therefore the German language is worth knowing. With -the aid of this book any person can acquire a thorough -knowledge of the German language, as the method for learning -is so simple that a child could understand it. Revised -edition. Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of <b>30 Cents</b>.</p> - -</div> - -<div class="bbox-middle"> - -<div class="figleft smaller"><b>WEHMAN<br />BROS.’</b></div> - -<p class="center"><b>Easy Method for Learning <span class="larger">French</span> <span class="u">Quickly</span>.</b></p> - -<p>Uniform with and arranged the same as the “German -Quickly,” being the easiest method published for acquiring -a thorough knowledge of the French language, with the English -pronunciation of every word. 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Revised edition.</p> - -<p class="center"><b>PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.</b></p> - -</div> - -<div class="bbox-middle"> - -<div class="figleft smaller"><b>WEHMAN<br />BROS.’</b></div> - -<p class="center"><b>Easy Method for Learning <span class="larger">Italian</span> <span class="u">Quickly</span>.</b></p> - -<p>Uniform in size and style with the “German, French and -Spanish,” being the easiest method published for acquiring -a thorough knowledge of the Italian language, with the English -pronunciation of every word. Revised edition.</p> - -<p class="center"><b>PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.</b></p> - -</div> - -<div class="bbox-bottom"> - -<div class="figleft smaller"><b>WEHMAN<br />BROS.’</b></div> - -<p class="center"><b>Easy Method for Learning <span class="larger">Polish</span> <span class="u">Quickly</span>.</b></p> - -<p>Uniform in size and style with the “German, French, -Spanish and Italian,” being the easiest method published for -acquiring a thorough knowledge of the Polish language, with -the English pronunciation of every word. Revised edition.</p> - -<p class="center"><b>PRICE 30 CENTS, by mail, postpaid.</b></p> - -<p class="center"><b>Address WEHMAN BROS., 158 Park Row, New York City.</b></p> - -</div> - -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> -<img src="images/ad2.jpg" width="500" height="650" alt="" /> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Irish Yarns Wit and Humor No 2, by Anonymous - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK IRISH YARNS WIT AND HUMOR NO 2 *** - -***** This file should be named 60216-h.htm or 60216-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/2/1/60216/ - -Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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