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diff --git a/old/60186-h/60186-h.htm b/old/60186-h/60186-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index e749717..0000000 --- a/old/60186-h/60186-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8572 +0,0 @@ -<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> - <title> - The Project Gutenberg eBook of Polite conversation in three dialogues by Jonathan Swift, by George Saintsbury. - </title> - - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - -<style type="text/css"> - -a { - text-decoration: none; -} - -body { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; -} - -h1,h2,h3 { - text-align: center; - clear: both; -} - -hr { - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 2em; - clear: both; - width: 65%; - margin-left: 17.5%; - margin-right: 17.5%; -} - -ul { - list-style-type: none; - text-align: left; - padding: 0; -} - -li { - margin-top: .5em; - padding-left: 2em; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -p { - margin-top: 0.5em; - text-align: justify; - margin-bottom: 0.5em; - text-indent: 1em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: left; - margin: 0.1em 0.1em 0em 0em; - font-size: 250%; - line-height: 0.85em; -} - -table { - margin: 1em auto 1em auto; - max-width: 40em; - border-collapse: collapse; -} - -td { - padding-left: 2.25em; - padding-right: 0.25em; - vertical-align: top; - text-indent: -2em; -} - -.tdpg { - vertical-align: bottom; - text-align: right; -} - -.caption { - text-align: center; - margin-bottom: 1em; - font-size: 90%; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.center { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.direction { - text-align: center; - text-indent: 0em; - margin-top: 2em; - margin-bottom: 1.25em; -} - -.figcenter { - margin: auto; - text-align: center; -} - -.footnotes { - margin-top: 1em; - border: dashed 1px; -} - -.footnote { - margin-left: 10%; - margin-right: 10%; - font-size: 0.9em; -} - -.footnote .label { - position: absolute; - right: 84%; - text-align: right; -} - -.fnanchor { - vertical-align: super; - font-size: .8em; - text-decoration: none; -} - -.gothic { - font-family: 'Old English Text MT', 'Old English', serif; -} - -.larger { - font-size: 150%; -} - -.pagenum { - position: absolute; - right: 4%; - font-size: smaller; - text-align: right; - font-style: normal; -} - -.poetry-container { - text-align: center; - margin: 1em; -} - -.poetry { - display: inline-block; - text-align: left; -} - -.poetry .verse { - text-indent: -3em; - padding-left: 3em; -} - -.right { - text-align: right; -} - -.smaller { - font-size: 80%; -} - -.smcap { - font-variant: small-caps; -} - -.titlepage { - text-align: justify; - margin-top: 3em; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -.tp { - max-width: 25em; - margin: auto; -} - -.top3 { - text-align: center; - margin-top: 3em; - text-indent: 0em; -} - -@media handheld { - -img { - max-width: 100%; - width: auto; - height: auto; -} - -.poetry { - display: block; - margin-left: 1.5em; -} - -p.dropcap:first-letter { - float: none; - margin: 0; - font-size: 100%; -} -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Polite Conversation, by Jonathan Swift - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Polite Conversation - In Three Dialogues by Jonathan Swift with Introduction and - Notes by George Saintsbury - -Author: Jonathan Swift - -Editor: George Saintsbury - -Release Date: August 26, 2019 [EBook #60186] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLITE CONVERSATION *** - - - - -Produced by MWS and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from -images generously made available by The Internet -Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_i" id="Page_i">[i]</a></span></p> - -<p class="top3 larger gothic">Chiswick Press Editions</p> - -<p class="top3 larger">POLITE CONVERSATION</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ii" id="Page_ii">[ii]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center">⁂ <i>This Edition is limited to Five Hundred copies, viz.:</i></p> - -<p class="center"><i>50 on Japanese Vellum, numbered 1 to 50.</i></p> - -<p class="center"><i>450 on Handmade paper, numbered 51 to 500.</i></p> - -<p class="center"><i>This is No. <span class="larger">438</span>.</i></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iii" id="Page_iii">[iii]</a></span></p> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"> -<img src="images/frontispiece.jpg" width="450" height="600" alt="" /> -<p class="caption"><span class="smcap">Ionathan Swift S. T. D.</span></p> -<p class="caption"><i>Decanus Ecclesia Cathedralis Sancti Patricy <span class="smcap">Dublin</span>.</i></p> -<p class="caption"><i>Carolus Jervacius Pictor Reg. Pinxit.</i> <i>Geo. Vertue Londini Sculpsit</i></p> -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_iv" id="Page_iv">[iv]</a></span></p> - -<div class="tp"> - -<p class="titlepage larger dropcap">POLITE CONVERSATION -IN THREE DIALOGUES BY -JONATHAN SWIFT WITH INTRODUCTION -AND NOTES -BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY</p> - -<div class="figcenter top3" style="width: 100px;"> -<img src="images/lion.jpg" width="100" height="130" alt="" /> -</div> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 20em;"> -<p class="titlepage">LONDON PRINTED AND ISSUED BY<br /> -CHARLES WHITTINGHAM & CO AT<br /> -THE CHISWICK PRESS MDCCCXCII</p> -</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_v" id="Page_v">[v]</a></span></p> - -<h2>CONTENTS.</h2> - -<table summary="Contents"> - <tr> - <td></td> - <td class="tdpg smaller">PAGE</td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Editor’s Introduction</span></td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#EDITORS_INTRODUCTION">vii</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Introduction to the Dialogues</span></td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#AN_INTRODUCTION">3</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Dialogue I.</span></td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#DIALOGUE_I">53</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Dialogue II.</span></td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#DIALOGUE_II">127</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Dialogue III.</span></td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#DIALOGUE_III">173</a></td> - </tr> - <tr> - <td><span class="smcap">Illustrative Notes</span></td> - <td class="tdpg"><a href="#ILLUSTRATIVE_NOTES">191</a></td> - </tr> -</table> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vi" id="Page_vi">[vi]</a></span></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[vii]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="EDITORS_INTRODUCTION">EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION.</h2> - -<p>In some ways nothing could be a better -introduction to the “Polite Conversation” -than the account of it which Mr. -Thackeray has given in his “English -Humourists” (though under the head of -Steele, not Swift), as illustrating the -society of the period. That account is -in its way not much less of a classic -than the immortal original itself, and -it is purely delightful. But it neither -deals nor pretends to deal with the -whole of the subject. Indeed, the idea -of Swift’s character which the “Conversation” -gives does not square altogether -well with the view—true, but one-sided—which -it suited Mr. Thackeray to -take of Swift.</p> - -<p>The “Conversation” appeared very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[viii]</a></span> -late in Swift’s life, and he himself derived -no pecuniary benefit from it. He had, -with that almost careless generosity -which distinguished him side by side with -an odd kind of parsimony, given the -manuscript to a not particularly reputable -<i>protégée</i> of his, Mrs. Barber, about 1736, -and its first edition—a copy of which, -presented to me by my friend Mr. Austin -Dobson no small number of years ago, -is here reproduced—bears date 1738, -and was published in London by Motte -and Bathurst. The composition, however, -dates, as is known to a practical -certainty, many years earlier. It is -beyond any reasonable doubt identical -with the “Essay on Conversation” which -Swift noted as written or planned in -1708-10. The <i>nom de guerre</i> on the title-page -and to the introduction is Simon -Wagstaff, one of the literary family of -Staffs fathered by Swift and Steele -in “Tatler” times. The manners are -evidently those of Queen Anne’s day, -and the whole chronology of the introduction<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[ix]</a></span> -(which, it will be seen, has -all Swift’s mock carefulness and exactitude) -is adjusted to the first decade of -the eighteenth century. A hundred -years later Scott (whose own evident -relish for the “Conversation” struggled -somewhat with a desire to apologise for -its coarseness to the decencies even of -his own day), hazarded the opinion that -the abundance of proverbial expressions -must be set down to the Dean’s own -fancy, not to actual truth of reporting. -It is always with great diffidence that I -venture to differ with Sir Walter; but I -think he was wrong here. One piece of -indirect evidence—the extreme energy -with which Chesterfield, at no very distant -date from the publication, but after -a lapse of fully a generation from the -probable composition of the dialogues, -inveighs against this very practice—would -seem to be sufficient to establish -its authenticity. For polite society, -where its principles are not, as they generally -are, pretty constant, is never so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[x]</a></span> -bitter as against those practices which -were the mode and are now <i>démodés</i>.</p> - -<p>But if anyone thinks this argument -paradoxical, there are plenty more. The -conversation of the immortal eight corresponds -exactly to that of the comedies of -the time, and the times just earlier, which -were written by the finest gentlemen. It -meets us, of course less brilliantly put, in -the “Wentworth Papers” and other -documents of the time; and its very faults -are exactly those which Steele and Addison, -like their predecessors of the other -sex in the Hotel Rambouillet sixty or -seventy years earlier, were, just when -these dialogues were written, setting -themselves to correct. We know, of -course, that Swift moved in a world of -middle and even not always upper middle -class society, as well as in the great -world; and that, perhaps, at the date of -the actual composition of this piece, he -had not reached his fullest familiarity -with the latter. But I have myself very -little doubt that the dialogues express<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[xi]</a></span> -and were fully justified by the conversation -he had actually heard among the -less decorous visitors at Temple’s solemn -board, in the livelier household of Lord -Berkeley, in the circles of Ormond and -Pembroke, and during his first initiation -after 1707 in London society proper. How -far he may have subsequently polished -and altered the thing it is impossible to -say; that he had done so to some extent -is obvious from such simple matters as -the use of the word “king” instead of -“queen,” from the allusions to the -“Craftsman,” and others. I doubt -whether the picture became substantially -false till far into the reign of George II., -if it even became so then.</p> - -<p>There are those, of whom, as Mr. -Wagstaff would himself say, “I have the -honour to be one,” who put the “Polite -Conversation” in the very front rank of -Swift’s works. It is of course on a far -less ambitious scale than “Gulliver;” -it has not the youthful audacity and -towering aim of the “Tale of a Tub;”<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[xii]</a></span> -it lacks the practical and businesslike -cogency of the “Drapier;” the absolute -perfection and unrivalled irony of the -“Modest Proposal” and the “Argument -against abolishing Christianity.” But -what it wants in relation to each of these -masterpieces in some respects it makes -up in others; and it is distinctly the -superior of its own nearest analogue, the -“Directions to Servants.” It is never -unequal; it never flags; it never forces -the note. Nobody, if he likes it at all, -can think it too long; nobody, however -much he may like it, can fail to see that -Swift was wise not to make it longer. -One of its charms is the complete variation -between the introduction and the -dialogues themselves. The former follows -throughout, even to the rather unnecessary -striking in with literary quarrels, -the true vein of Swiftian irony, where -almost every sentence expresses the -exact contrary of the author’s real sentiments, -and where the putative writer is -made to exhibit himself as ridiculous<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[xiii]</a></span> -while discoursing to his own complete -satisfaction. It exhibits also, although -in a minor key, the peculiar pessimism -which excites the shudders of some and -the admiration of others in the great -satires on humanity enumerated above.</p> - -<p>But the dialogues themselves are quite -different. They are, with the exception -of the lighter passages in the “Journal -to Stella,” infinitely the most good-natured -things in Swift. The characters -are scarcely satirized; they are hardly -caricatured. Not one of them is made -disagreeable, not one of them offensively -ridiculous. Even poor Sir John Linger, -despite the scarce concealed scorn and -pity of his companions and the solemn -compassion of good Mr. Wagstaff, is -let off very easily. The very “scandal-mongering” -has nothing of the -ferocity of the “Plain Dealer” long -before, and the “School for Scandal” -long after it; the excellent Ladies Smart -and Answerall tear their neighbours’ -characters to pieces with much relish but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[xiv]</a></span> -with no malignity. The former, for all her -cut-and-dried phrases, is an excellently -hospitable hostess, and “her own lord” -is as different as possible from the brutal -heroes of Restoration comedy, and from -the yawning sour-blooded rakes of quality -whom a later generation of painters in -words and colours were to portray. -There is, of course, not a little which -would now be horribly coarse, but one -knows that it was not in the least so -then. And in it, as in the scandal-mongering, -there is no bad blood. Tom -and the Colonel and Lord Sparkish are -fine gentlemen with very loose-hung -tongues, and not very strait-laced consciences. -But there is nothing about -them of the inhumanity which to some -tastes spoils the heroes of Congreve and -of Vanbrugh.</p> - -<p>As for “Miss,” no doubt she says some -things which it would be unpleasant to -hear one’s sister or one’s beloved say now. -But I fell in love with her when I was about -seventeen, I think; and from that day to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xv" id="Page_xv">[xv]</a></span> -this I have never wavered for one minute -in my affection for her. If she is of coarser -mould than Millamant, how infinitely -does she excel her in flesh and blood—excellent -things in woman! She is -only here—“this ‘Miss’ of our heart, this -‘Miss’ of our soul,”—here and in a letter -or two of the time. The dramatists and -the essayists and the poets made her -a baggage or a Lydia Languish, a Miss -Hoyden or a minx, when they tried her. -Hogarth was not enough of a gentleman -and Kneller not enough of a genius to -put her on canvas. When the regular -novelists began, sensibility had set its -clutch on heroines. But here she is as -Swift saw her—Swift whom every woman -whom he knew either loved or hated, -and who must, therefore, have known -something about women, for all his persistent -maltreatment of them. And here, -as I have said, the maltreatment ceases. -If the handling is not very delicate, it is -utterly true, and by no means degrading. -There is even dignity in Miss. For all her<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xvi" id="Page_xvi">[xvi]</a></span> -romps, and her broad speeches, and her -more than risky repartees, she knows -perfectly well how to pull up her somewhat -unpolished admirers when they go -too far. And when at three o’clock in -the morning, with most of the winnings -in her pocket, she demurely refuses -the Colonel’s escort (indeed it might -have had its dangers), observing, “No, -Colonel, thank you; my mamma has sent -her chair and footmen,” and leaves the -room with the curtsey we can imagine, -the picture is so delightful that unholy -dreams come upon one. How agreeable -it would have been to hire the always -available villains, overcome those footmen, -put Miss in a coach and six, and -secure the services of the also always -available parson, regardless of the feelings -of my mamma and of the swords of Tom -and the Colonel, though not of Miss’s -own goodwill! For I should not envy -anyone who had tried to play otherwise -than on the square with Miss Notable.</p> - -<p>For Mr. Wagstaff’s hero I have, as no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xvii" id="Page_xvii">[xvii]</a></span> -doubt is natural, by no means as much -admiration as for his “heroin.” Mr. -Thomas Neverout is a lively youth -enough, but considerably farther from -the idea—and that not merely the modern -idea—of a gentleman, than Miss -with all her astounding licence of speech -is from the idea—and that not merely -the modern idea—of a lady. It is observable -that he seldom or never gets -the better of her except by mere coarseness, -and that he has too frequent recourse -to the expedient which even Mr. -Wagstaff had the sense to see was not a -great evidence of wit, the use of some -innuendo or other, at which she is -obliged to blush or to pretend want of -understanding. At fair weapons she -almost always puts him down. In fact, the -Colonel, though not precisely a genius, -is the better fellow of the two. I do not -know whether it was intentional or not, -but it is to be observed that my Lord -Sparkish, though quite as “smart” in -the new-old sense of which this very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xviii" id="Page_xviii">[xviii]</a></span> -work is the <i>locus classicus</i>, as the two -commoners, is cleaner by a good deal in -his language. It is unlike Mr. Wagstaff’s -usual precision of information -that he gives us no details about Lady -Answerall. If there is any indication to -show whether she was wife or widow, I -have missed it in many readings; but I -think she, though still young, was the -eldest of the three ladies, and she certainly -was handsome. Lady Smart I take -to have been plain, from her disparaging -reference to Miss: “The girl’s well enough -if she had but another nose.” I resent this -reference to a feature which I am sure was -charming (it was probably <i>retroussé</i>; it -was certainly not aquiline); and as Lady -Smart was clearly not ill-natured, it follows -that she must have been herself -either a recognized beauty or not beautiful. -We should have had some intimation of -the former had it been the case, so I incline -to the latter. She had children, and -was evidently on the best of terms with -her husband, which is very satisfactory.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xix" id="Page_xix">[xix]</a></span></p> - -<p>If it were not for Miss and the dinner—two -objects of perennial interest to all -men of spirit and taste—I am not sure -that I should not prefer the introduction -to the conversations themselves. It is -indispensable to the due understanding -of the latter, and I cannot but think that -Thackeray unjustifiably overlooked the -excuse it contains for the somewhat miscellaneous -and Gargantuan character of -the feast which excited his astonishment -and horror. But it would be delightful -in itself if we were so unfortunate as to -have lost the conversations, and, as I -have already said, its delight is of a -strangely different kind from theirs. -Although there are more magnificent -and more terrible, more poignant and -more whimsical examples of the marvellous -Swiftian irony, I do not know that -there is any more justly proportioned, -more exquisitely modulated, more illustrative -of that wonderful keeping which -is the very essence and quiddity of the -Dean’s humour.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xx" id="Page_xx">[xx]</a></span></p> - -<p>Some things have been lately said, -as they are always said from time -to time, about the contrast between -the Old humour and the New. The -contrast, I venture to think, is wrongly -stated. It is not a contrast between the -old and the new, but, in the first place, -between the perennial and the temporary, -and in the second between two kinds of -humour which, to do them justice, are both -perennial enough—the humour which -is quiet, subtle, abstracted, independent -of catchwords and cant phrases, and the -humour which is broad, loud, gesticulative, -and prone to rely upon cant phrases -and catchwords. Swift has illustrated -the two in the two parts of this astonishing -book, and whoso looks into the matter -a little narrowly will have no difficulty -in finding this out. Far be it from me -to depreciate the “newer” kind, but I -may be permitted to think it the lower. -It is certainly the easier. The perpetual -stream of irony which Swift pours out -here in so quiet yet so steady a flow, is<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xxi" id="Page_xxi">[xxi]</a></span> -the most difficult of all things to maintain -in its perfection. Not more, perhaps, -than half-a-dozen writers in all -literature, of whom the three chiefs are -Lucian, Pascal, and Swift himself, have -been quite masters of it, and of these -three Swift is the mightiest. Sink below -the requisite proportion of bitterness and -the thing becomes flat; exceed that proportion -and it is nauseous. Perhaps, -as one is always fain to persuade oneself -in such cases, a distinct quality -of palate is required to taste, as well as -a distinct power of genius to brew it. It -is certain that though there are some in -all times who relish this kind of humour -(and this is what gives it its supremacy, -for examples of the other kind are, at -other than their own times, frequently -not relished by anybody), they are not -often found in large numbers. The -liquor is too dry for many tastes; it has -too little froth, if not too little sparkle -for others. The order of architecture is -too unadorned, depends too much upon<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xxii" id="Page_xxii">[xxii]</a></span> -the bare attraction of symmetry and -form, to charm some eyes. But those -who have the taste never lose it, never -change it, never are weary of gratifying -it. Of irony, as of hardly any other -thing under the sun, cometh no satiety -to the born ironist.</p> - -<p>It may be well to end this brief preface -by a few words on the principles of -editing which I have adopted. There is -no omission whatever, except of a very -few words—not, I think, half a score in -all—which were barely permissible to -mouths polite even then, and which now -are almost banished from even free conversation. -Nor have even these omissions -been allowed to mutilate the passages -in which they occur; for on Mr. -Wagstaff’s own excellent principle, the -harmless necessary “blank, which the -sagacious reader may fill up in his own -mind,” has replaced them.</p> - -<p>In respect of annotation the methods -of the collection in which this book appears -did not permit of any very extensive<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xxiii" id="Page_xxiii">[xxiii]</a></span> -commentary; and I could not be -sorry for this. Anything like full <i>scholia</i> -on the proverbs, catchwords, and so forth -used, would be enormously voluminous, -and a very dull overlaying of matter ill-sortable -with dulness. Besides, much of -the phraseology is intelligible to anybody -intelligent, and not a very little is not -yet obsolete in the mouths of persons of -no particular originality. You may still -hear men and women, not necessarily -destitute either of birth, breeding, or -sense, say of such a thing that “they -like it, but it does not like them,” that -such another thing “comes from a hot -place,” with other innocent <i>clichés</i> of the -kind. But in some places where assistance -seemed really required I have endeavoured -to give it. Among such cases -I have not included the attempt to identify -“the D. of R.,” “the E. of E.,” “Lord -and Lady H.,” etc. I am afraid it would -be falling too much into the humour of -good Mr. Wagstaff himself to examine -with the help of much Collins the various<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xxiv" id="Page_xxiv">[xxiv]</a></span> -persons whose initials and titles might -possibly correspond with these during -the nearly sixty years between Mr. Wagstaff’s -coming of age and the appearance -of his work at the Middle Temple Gate -in Fleet Street. The persons named at -full length are generally, if not universally -real, and more or less well known. -Enough to inform or remind the reader -of these has, I hope, been inserted in the -Notes. But the fact is, that, like most -great writers, though not all, Swift is -really not in need of much annotation. -It is not that he is not allusive—I hardly -know any great writer who is not—but -that his allusions explain themselves to -a reader of average intelligence quite -sufficiently for the understanding of the -context, though not, it may be, sufficiently -to enable him to “satisfy the -examiners.” It does not, for instance, -matter in the least whether the “infamous -Court chaplain,” who taught the -maids of honour not to believe in Hell -was Hoadley, or who he was. His cap<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xxv" id="Page_xxv">[xxv]</a></span> -may even have fitted several persons at -different times. In such a display of -literary skill at arms as this the glitter -of the blade and the swashing blow of -its wielder are the points of interest, -not the worthless carrion into which it -was originally thrust. But “worthless -carrion” is not Polite Conversation: so -let me leave the reader to what is.<a name="FNanchor_1" id="FNanchor_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a></p> - -<p class="right"><span class="smcap">George Saintsbury.</span></p> - -<div class="footnotes"> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_1" id="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> The piece is on the whole fairly well printed; -but the speeches are sometimes wrongly assigned. -Attention is called to this in the notes; -but the real speaker is generally evident.</p> - -</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[1]</a></span></p> - -<p class="center larger top3">A <span class="smcap">Complete</span><br /> -<br /> -<span class="larger">COLLECTION</span><br /> -<br /> -Of <span class="smcap">Genteel</span> and <span class="smcap">Ingenious</span><br /> -<br /> -<span class="larger">CONVERSATION,</span><br /> -<br /> -<span class="smaller">According to the Most</span><br /> -<br /> -Polite Mode and Method<br /> -<br /> -<span class="smaller">Now USED</span><br /> -<br /> -At COURT, and in the BEST<br /> -COMPANIES of <span class="smcap">England</span>.</p> - -<p class="center top3">In THREE DIALOGUES.</p> - -<p class="center top3">By <i>SIMON WAGSTAFF</i>, Esq.;</p> - -<p class="center top3"><i>LONDON</i>:<br /> -Printed for <span class="smcap">B. Motte</span>, and <span class="smcap">C. Bathurst</span>, at<br /> -the <i>Middle Temple-Gate</i> in <i>Fleet-Street</i>.<br /> -<span class="smcap">M.dcc.xxxviii.</span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[2]</a></span></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[3]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="AN_INTRODUCTION">AN INTRODUCTION<br /> -<span class="smaller">TO THE</span><br /> -FOLLOWING TREATISE.</h2> - -<p>As my Life hath been chiefly spent in -consulting the Honour and Welfare of -my Country for more than Forty Years -past, not without answerable Success, if -the World and my Friends have not -flattered me; so, there is no Point -wherein I have so much labour’d, as that -of improving and polishing all Parts of -Conversation between Persons of Quality, -whether they meet by Accident or Invitation, -at Meals, Tea, or Visits, Mornings, -Noons, or Evenings.</p> - -<p>I have passed perhaps more time than -any other Man of my Age and Country -in Visits and Assemblees, where the -polite Persons of both Sexes distinguish -themselves; and could not without much -Grief observe how frequently both Gentlemen -and Ladies are at a Loss for<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[4]</a></span> -Questions, Answers, Replies and Rejoinders: -However, my Concern was -much abated, when I found that these -Defects were not occasion’d by any -Want of Materials, but because those -Materials were not in every Hand: For -Instance, One Lady can give an Answer -better than ask a Question: One Gentleman -is happy at a Reply; another -excels in a Rejoinder: One can revive a -languishing Conversation by a sudden -surprizing Sentence; another is more -dextrous in seconding; a Third can fill -the Gap with laughing, or commending -what hath been said: Thus fresh Hints -may be started, and the Ball of Discourse -kept up.</p> - -<p>But, alas! this is too seldom the Case, -even in the most select Companies: How -often do we see at Court, at public -Visiting-Days, at great Men’s Levees, -and other Places of general Meeting, -that the Conversation falls and drops to -nothing, like a Fire without Supply of -Fuel; this is what we ought to lament; -and against this dangerous Evil I take -upon me to affirm, that I have in the -following Papers provided an infallible -Remedy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[5]</a></span></p> - -<p>It was in the Year 1695, and the Sixth -of his late Majesty King <i>William</i>, the -Third, of ever glorious and immortal -Memory, who rescued Three Kingdoms -from Popery and Slavery; when, being -about the Age of Six-and-thirty, my -Judgment mature, of good Reputation -in the World, and well acquainted with -the best Families in Town, I determined -to spend Five Mornings, to dine Four -times, pass Three Afternoons, and Six -Evenings every Week, in the Houses of -the most polite Families, of which I -would confine myself to Fifty; only -changing as the Masters or Ladies died, -or left the Town, or grew out of Vogue, -or sunk in their Fortunes, (which to me -was of the highest moment) or because -disaffected to the Government; which -Practice I have followed ever since to -this very Day; except when I happened -to be sick, or in the Spleen upon cloudy -Weather; and except when I entertained -Four of each Sex at my own Lodgings -once a Month, by way of Retaliation.</p> - -<p>I always kept a large Table-Book in -my Pocket; and as soon as I left the -Company, I immediately entered the -choicest Expressions that passed during<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[6]</a></span> -the Visit; which, returning Home, I -transcribed in a fair Hand, but somewhat -enlarged; and had made the -greatest Part of my Collection in Twelve -Years, but not digested into any Method; -for this I found was a Work of infinite -Labour, and what required the nicest -Judgment, and consequently could not -be brought to any Degree of Perfection -in less than Sixteen Years more.</p> - -<p>Herein I resolved to exceed the Advice -of <i>Horace</i>, a <i>Roman</i> Poet, (which I -have read in Mr. <i>Creech</i>’s admirable -Translation) That an Author should -keep his Works Nine Years in his Closet, -before he ventured to publish them; and -finding that I still received some additional -Flowers of Wit and Language, -although in a very small Number, I -determined to defer the Publication, to -pursue my Design, and exhaust, if possible, -the whole Subject, that I might -present a complete System to the World: -For, I am convinced by long Experience, -that the Critics will be as severe as their -old Envy against me can make them: I -foretel, they will object, that I have inserted -many Answers and Replies which -are neither witty, humorous, polite, or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[7]</a></span> -authentic; and have omitted others, that -would have been highly useful, as well as -entertaining: But let them come to Particulars, -and I will boldly engage to confute -their Malice.</p> - -<p>For these last Six or Seven Years I -have not been able to add above Nine -valuable Sentences to inrich my Collection; -from whence I conclude, that what -remains will amount only to a Trifle: -However, if, after the Publication of this -Work, any Lady or Gentleman, when -they have read it, shall find the least -thing of Importance omitted, I desire -they will please to supply my Defects, -by communicating to me their Discoveries; -and their Letters may be directed -to <span class="smcap">Simon Wagstaff</span>, Esq; at -his Lodgings next Door to the <i>Gloucester-Head</i> -in <i>St. James’s-street</i>, (they paying -the Postage). In Return of which Favour, -I shall make honourable Mention -of their Names in a short Preface to the -Second Edition.</p> - -<p>In the mean time, I cannot but with -some Pride, and much Pleasure, congratulate -with my dear Country, which -hath outdone all the Nations of <i>Europe</i> -in advancing the whole Art of Conversation<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[8]</a></span> -to the greatest Height it is capable -of reaching; and therefore being intirely -convinced that the Collection I now offer -to the Public is full and complete, I may -at the same time boldly affirm, that the -whole Genius, Humour, Politeness and -Eloquence of <i>England</i> are summed up in -it: Nor is the Treasure small, wherein -are to be found at least a Thousand -shining Questions, Answers, Repartees, -Replies and Rejoinders, fitted to adorn -every kind of Discourse that an Assemblee -of <i>English</i> Ladies and Gentlemen, met -together for their mutual Entertainment, -can possibly want, especially when the -several Flowers shall be set off and improved -by the Speakers, with every Circumstance -of Preface and Circumlocution, -in proper Terms; and attended -with Praise, Laughter, or Admiration.</p> - -<p>There is a natural, involuntary Distortion -of the Muscles, which is the anatomical -Cause of Laughter: But there is -another Cause of Laughter which Decency -requires, and is the undoubted -Mark of a good Taste, as well as of a -polite obliging Behaviour; neither is this -to be acquired without much Observation, -long Practice, and a sound Judgment:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[9]</a></span> -I did therefore once intend, for -the Ease of the Learner, to set down in -all Parts of the following Dialogues certain -Marks, Asterisks, or <i>Nota-bene’s</i> (in -<i>English</i>, <i>Markwell’s</i>) after most Questions, -and every Reply or Answer; directing -exactly the Moment when One, -Two, or All the Company are to laugh: -But having duly considered, that the -Expedient would too much enlarge the -Bulk of the Volume, and consequently -the Price; and likewise that something -ought to be left for ingenious Readers to -find out, I have determined to leave that -whole Affair, although of great Importance, -to their own Discretion.</p> - -<p>The Readers must learn by all means -to distinguish between Proverbs and -those polite Speeches which beautify -Conversation: For, as to the former, I -utterly reject them out of all ingenious -Discourse. I acknowledge indeed, that -there may possibly be found in this -Treatise a few Sayings, among so great -a Number of smart Turns of Wit and -Humour, as I have produced, which have -a proverbial Air: However, I hope, it -will be considered, that even these were -not originally Proverbs, but the genuine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[10]</a></span> -Productions of superior Wits, to embellish -and support Conversation; from -whence, with great Impropriety, as well -as Plagiarism (if you will forgive a hard -Word) they have most injuriously been -transferred into proverbial Maxims; and -therefore in Justice ought to be resumed -out of vulgar Hands, to adorn the Drawing-Rooms -of Princes, both Male and -Female, the Levees of great Ministers, as -well as the Toilet and Tea-table of the -Ladies.</p> - -<p>I can faithfully assure the Reader, that -there is not one single witty Phrase in -this whole Collection, which hath not -received the Stamp and Approbation of -at least one hundred Years, and how -much longer, it is hard to determine; he -may therefore be secure to find them all -genuine, sterling, and authentic.</p> - -<p>But before this elaborate Treatise can -become of universal Use and Ornament -to my native Country, Two Points, that -will require Time and much Application, -are absolutely necessary.</p> - -<p>For, <i>First</i>, whatever Person would -aspire to be completely witty, smart, -humourous, and polite, must by hard -Labour be able to retain in his Memory<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[11]</a></span> -every single Sentence contained in this -Work, so as never to be once at a Loss -in applying the right Answers, Questions, -Repartees, and the like, immediately, -and without Study or Hesitation.</p> - -<p>And, <i>Secondly</i>, after a Lady or Gentleman -hath so well overcome this Difficulty, -as to be never at a Loss upon any -Emergency, the true Management of -every Feature, and almost of every Limb, -is equally necessary; without which an -infinite Number of Absurdities will inevitably -ensue: For Instance, there is -hardly a polite Sentence in the following -Dialogues which doth not absolutely require -some peculiar graceful Motion in -the Eyes, or Nose, or Mouth, or Forehead, -or Chin, or suitable Toss of the -Head, with certain Offices assigned to -each Hand; and in Ladies, the whole -Exercise of the Fan, fitted to the Energy -of every Word they deliver; by no -means omitting the various Turns and -Cadence of the Voice, the Twistings, and -Movements, and different Postures of the -Body, the several Kinds and Gradations -of Laughter, which the Ladies must daily -practise by the Looking-Glass, and consult -upon them with their Waiting-Maids.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[12]</a></span></p> - -<p>My Readers will soon observe what a -great Compass of real and useful Knowledge -this Science includes; wherein, although -Nature, assisted by a Genius, may -be very instrumental, yet a strong Memory -and constant Application, together with -Example and Precept, will be highly -necessary: For these Reasons I have -often wished, that certain Male and -Female Instructors, perfectly versed in -this science, would set up Schools for -the Instruction of young Ladies and -Gentlemen therein.</p> - -<p>I remember about thirty Years ago, -there was a <i>Bohemian</i> Woman, of that -Species commonly known by the name -of <i>Gypsies</i>, who came over hither from -<i>France</i>, and generally attended <span class="smcap">Isaac</span> -the Dancing-Master when he was teaching -his Art to Misses of Quality; and -while the young Ladies were thus employed, -the <i>Bohemian</i>, standing at some -distance, but full in their Sight, acted -before them all proper Airs, and turnings -of the Head, and motions of the Hands, -and twistings of the Body; whereof you -may still observe the good Effects in -several of our elder Ladies.</p> - -<p>After the same manner, it were much<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[13]</a></span> -to be desired, that some expert Gentlewomen -gone to decay would set up publick -Schools, wherein young Girls of -Quality, or great Fortunes, might first be -taught to repeat this following System of -Conversation, which I have been at so -much pains to compile; and then to -adapt every Feature of their Countenances, -every Turn of their Hands, every -Screwing of their Bodies, every Exercise -of their Fans, to the Humour of the -Sentences they hear or deliver in Conversation. -But above all to instruct -them in every Species and Degree of -Laughing in the proper seasons at their -own Wit, or that of the Company. And, -if the Sons of the Nobility and Gentry, -instead of being sent to common Schools, -or put into the Hands of Tutors at Home, -to learn nothing but Words, were consigned -to able Instructors in the same -Art, I cannot find what Use there could -be of Books, except in the hands of those -who are to make Learning their Trade, -which is below the Dignity of Persons -born to Titles or Estates.</p> - -<p>It would be another infinite Advantage, -that, by cultivating this Science, -we should wholly avoid the Vexations<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[14]</a></span> -and Impertinence of Pedants, who affect -to talk in a Language not to be understood; -and whenever a polite Person -offers accidentally to use any of their -Jargon-Terms, have the Presumption to -laugh at Us for pronouncing those Words -in a genteeler Manner. Whereas, I do -here affirm, that, whenever any fine -Gentleman or Lady condescends to let -a hard Word pass out of their Mouths, -every syllable is smoothed and polished -in the Passage; and it is a true Mark of -Politeness, both in Writing and Reading, -to vary the Orthography as well as the -Sound; because We are infinitely better -Judges of what will please a distinguishing -ear than those, who call themselves -<i>Scholars</i>, can possibly be; who, consequently, -ought to correct their Books, -and Manner of pronouncing, by the -Authority of Our Example, from whose -lips they proceed with infinitely more -Beauty and Significancy.</p> - -<p>But, in the mean time, until so great, -so useful, and so necessary a Design can -be put in execution, (which, considering -the good Disposition of our Country at -present, I shall not despair of living to -see) let me recommend the following<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[15]</a></span> -Treatise to be carried about as a Pocket-Companion, -by all Gentlemen and Ladies, -when they are going to visit, or dine, or -drink Tea; or where they happen to pass -the Evening without Cards, (as I have -sometimes known it to be the Case upon -Disappointments or Accidents unforeseen) -desiring they would read their -several Parts in their Chairs or Coaches, -to prepare themselves for every kind of -Conversation that can possibly happen.</p> - -<p>Although I have in Justice to my -Country, allowed the Genius of our -People to excel that of any other Nation -upon Earth, and have confirmed this -Truth by an Argument not to be controlled, -I mean, by producing so great a -Number of witty Sentences in the ensuing -Dialogues, all of undoubted Authority, -as well as of our own Production; -yet, I must confess at the same -time, that we are wholly indebted for -them to our Ancestors; at least, for as -long as my memory reacheth, I do not -recollect one new Phrase of Importance -to have been added; which Defect in Us -Moderns I take to have been occasioned -by the Introduction of Cant-Words in -the Reign of King <i>Charles</i> the Second.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[16]</a></span> -And those have so often varied, that -hardly one of them, of above a Year’s -standing, is now intelligible; nor any -where to be found, excepting a small -Number strewed here and there in the -Comedies and other fantastick Writings -of that Age.</p> - -<p>The Honourable Colonel <span class="smcap">James Graham</span>, -my old Friend and Companion, did -likewise, towards the End of the same -Reign, invent a Set of Words and -Phrases, which continued almost to the -Time of his Death. But, as those Terms -of Art were adapted only to Courts and -Politicians, and extended little further -than among his particular Acquaintance -(of whom I had the Honour to be one) -they are now almost forgotten.</p> - -<p>Nor did the late D. of <i>R——</i> and E. -of <i>E——</i> succeed much better, although -they proceeded no further than single -Words; whereof, except <i>Bite</i>, <i>Bamboozle</i>, -and one or two more, the whole Vocabulary -is antiquated.</p> - -<p>The same Fate hath already attended -those other Town-Wits, who furnish us -with a great Variety of new Terms, which -are annually changed, and those of the -last Season sunk in Oblivion. Of these<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[17]</a></span> -I was once favoured with a compleat -List by the Right Honourable the Lord -and Lady <i>H——</i>, with which I made a -considerable Figure one Summer in the -Country; but returning up to Town in -Winter, and venturing to produce them -again, I was partly hooted, and partly -not understood.</p> - -<p>The only Invention of late Years, -which hath any way contributed towards -Politeness in Discourse, is that of abbreviating -or reducing Words of many -Syllables into one, by lopping off the -rest. This Refinement, having begun -about the Time of the <i>Revolution</i>, I had -some Share in the Honour of promoting -it, and I observe, to my great Satisfaction, -that it makes daily Advancements, -and I hope in Time will raise our Language -to the utmost Perfection; although, -I must confess, to avoid Obscurity, I -have been very sparing of this Ornament -in the following Dialogues.</p> - -<p>But, as for Phrases, invented to cultivate -Conversation, I defy all the Clubs -of Coffee-houses in this town to invent a -new one equal in Wit, Humour, Smartness, -or Politeness, to the very worst of -my Set; which clearly shews, either that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[18]</a></span> -we are much degenerated, or that the -whole Stock of Materials hath been -already employed. I would willingly -hope, as I do confidently believe, the -latter; because, having my self, for several -Months, racked my Invention (if -possible) to enrich this Treasury with -some Additions of my own (which, however, -should have been printed in a different -Character, that I might not be -charged with imposing upon the Publick) -and having shewn them to some -judicious Friends, they dealt very sincerely -with me; all unanimously agreeing, -that mine were infinitely below the -true old Helps to Discourse, drawn up in -my present Collection, and confirmed -their Opinion with Reasons, by which I -was perfectly convinced, as well as -ashamed, of my great Presumption.</p> - -<p>But, I lately met a much stronger -Argument to confirm me in the same -Sentiments: For, as the great Bishop -<span class="smcap">Burnet</span>, of <i>Salisbury</i>, informs us in the -Preface to his admirable <i>History of his -own Times</i>, that he intended to employ -himself in polishing it every Day of his -Life, (and indeed in its Kind it is almost -equally polished with this Work of mine:)<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[19]</a></span> -So, it hath been my constant Business, -for some Years past, to examine, with -the utmost Strictness, whether I could -possibly find the smallest Lapse in Style -or Propriety through my whole Collection, -that, in Emulation with the Bishop, -I might send it abroad as the most -finished Piece of the Age.</p> - -<p>It happened one Day as I was dining -in good Company of both Sexes, and -watching, according to my Custom, for -new Materials wherewith to fill my -Pocket-Book, I succeeded well enough -till after Dinner, when the Ladies retired -to their Tea, and left us over a Bottle of -Wine. But I found we were not able to -furnish any more Materials, that were -worth the Pains of transcribing: For, the -Discourse of the Company was all degenerated -into smart Sayings of their -own Invention, and not of the true old -Standard; so that, in absolute Despair, -I withdrew, and went to attend the -Ladies at their Tea. From whence I -did then conclude, and still continue to -believe, either that Wine doth not inspire -Politeness, or that our Sex is not -able to support it without the Company -of Women, who never fail to lead<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[20]</a></span> -us into the right Way, and there to -keep us.</p> - -<p>It much encreaseth the Value of these -Apophthegms, that unto them we owe -the Continuance of our Language, for at -least an hundred Years; neither is this -to be wondered at; because indeed, besides -the Smartness of the Wit, and Fineness -of the Raillery, such is the Propriety -and Energy of Expression in them all, -that they never can be changed, but to -Disadvantage, except in the Circumstance -of using Abbreviations; which, -however, I do not despair, in due Time, -to see introduced, having already met -them at some of the Choice Companies -in town.</p> - -<p>Although this Work be calculated for -all Persons of Quality and Fortune of -both Sexes; yet the Reader may perceive, -that my particular View was to -the <span class="smcap">Officers</span> of the <span class="smcap">Army</span>, the <span class="smcap">Gentlemen</span> -of the <span class="smcap">Inns</span> of <span class="smcap">Courts</span>, and of -<span class="smcap">Both</span> the <span class="smcap">Universities</span>; to all <span class="smcap">Courtiers</span>, -Male and Female, but principally -to the <span class="smcap">Maids</span> of <span class="smcap">Honour</span>, of whom I -have been personally acquainted with -two-and-twenty Sets, all excelling in this -noble Endowment; till for some Years<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[21]</a></span> -past, I know not how, they came to degenerate -into Selling of <span class="smcap">Bargains</span>, and -<span class="smcap">Free-Thinking</span>; not that I am against -either of these Entertainments at proper -Seasons, in compliance with Company, -who may want a Taste for more exalted -Discourse, whose Memories may be short, -who are too young to be perfect in their -Lessons. Or (although it be hard to -conceive) who have no Inclination to -read and learn my Instructions. And -besides, there is a strong Temptation for -Court-Ladies to fall into the two Amusements -above-mentioned, that they may -avoid the Censure of affecting Singularity, -against the general Current and -Fashion of all about them: But, however, -no Man will pretend to affirm, that -either <span class="smcap">Bargains</span> or <span class="smcap">Blasphemy</span>, which -are the principal Ornaments of <span class="smcap">Free-Thinking</span>, -are so good a Fund of polite -Discourse, as what is to be met with in -my Collection. For, as to <span class="smcap">Bargains</span>, -few of them seem to be excellent in -their kind, and have not much Variety, -because they all terminate in one single -Point; and, to multiply them, would require -more Invention than People have -to spare. And, as to <span class="smcap">Blasphemy</span> or<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[22]</a></span> -<span class="smcap">Free-Thinking</span>, I have known some -scrupulous Persons, of both Sexes, who, -by a prejudiced Education, are afraid of -Sprights. I must, however, except the -<span class="smcap">Maids</span> of <span class="smcap">Honour</span>, who have been fully -convinced, by an infamous Court-Chaplain, -that there is no such Place as Hell.</p> - -<p>I cannot, indeed, controvert the Lawfulness -of <span class="smcap">Free-Thinking</span>, because -it hath been universally allowed, that -Thought is free. But, however, although -it may afford a large Field of Matter; -yet in my poor Opinion, it seems to contain -very little of Wit or Humour; because -it hath not been antient enough -among us to furnish established authentick -Expressions, I mean, such as must -receive a Sanction from the polite World, -before their Authority can be allowed; -neither was the Art of <span class="smcap">Blasphemy</span> or -<span class="smcap">Free-Thinking</span> invented by the Court, -or by Persons of great Quality, who, -properly speaking, were Patrons, rather -than Inventors of it; but first brought -in by the Fanatick Faction, towards the -end of their Power, and, after the Restoration, -carried to <i>Whitehall</i> by the converted -<i>Rumpers</i>, with very good Reasons; -because they knew, that K. <i>Charles</i> the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[23]</a></span> -Second, who, from a wrong Education, -occasioned by the Troubles of his Father, -had Time enough to observe, that -Fanatick Enthusiasm directly led to -Atheism, which agreed with the dissolute -Inclinations of his Youth; and, perhaps, -these Principles were farther cultivated -in him by the <i>French</i> Huguenots, -who have been often charged with -spreading them among us: However, I -cannot see where the Necessity lies, of -introducing new and foreign Topicks for -Conversation, while we have so plentiful -a Stock of our own Growth.</p> - -<p>I have likewise, for some Reasons of -equal Weight, been very sparing in -<span class="smcap">Double Entendres</span>; because they -often put Ladies upon affected Constraints, -and affected Ignorance. In -short, they break, or very much entangle, -the Thread of Discourse; neither am I -Master of any Rules, to settle the disconcerted -Countenances of the Females -in such a Juncture; I can, therefore, only -allow <i>Inuendoes</i> of this Kind to be delivered -in Whispers, and only to young -Ladies under Twenty, who, being in -Honour obliged to blush, it may produce -a new Subject for Discourse.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[24]</a></span></p> - -<p>Perhaps the Criticks may accuse me -of a Defect in my following System of -<span class="smcap">Polite Conversation</span>; that there is -one great Ornament of Discourse, whereof -I have not produced a single Example; -which, indeed, I purposely omitted for -some Reasons that I shall immediately -offer; and, if those Reasons will not -satisfy the Male Part of my gentle -Readers, the Defect may be supplied in -some manner by an <i>Appendix</i> to the -<i>Second Edition</i>; which <i>Appendix</i> shall -be printed by it self, and sold for <i>Sixpence</i>, -stitched, and with a Marble Cover, -that my Readers may have no Occasion -to complain of being defrauded.</p> - -<p>The Defect I mean is, my not having -inserted, into the Body of my Book, all -the <span class="smcap">Oaths</span> now most in Fashion for -embellishing Discourse; especially since -it could give no Offence to the <i>Clergy</i>, -who are seldom or never admitted to -these polite Assemblies. And it must -be allowed, that Oaths, well chosen, are -not only very useful Expletives to Matter, -but great Ornaments of Style.</p> - -<p>What I shall here offer in my own -Defence upon this important Article, will, -I hope, be some Extenuation of my Fault.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[25]</a></span></p> - -<p>First, I reasoned with my self, that a -just Collection of Oaths, repeated as -often as the Fashion requires, must have -enlarged this Volume, at least, to Double -the Bulk; whereby it would not only -double the Charge, but likewise make -the Volume less commodious for Pocket-Carriage.</p> - -<p>Secondly, I have been assured by some -judicious Friends, that themselves have -known certain Ladies to take Offence -(whether seriously or no) at too great a -Profusion of Cursing and Swearing, even -when that Kind of Ornament was not -improperly introduced; which, I confess, -did startle me not a little; having never -observed the like in the Compass of my -own several Acquaintance, at least for -twenty Years past. However, I was -forced to submit to wiser Judgments -than my own.</p> - -<p>Thirdly, as this most useful Treatise -is calculated for all future Times, I considered, -in this Maturity of my Age, how -great a Variety of Oaths I have heard -since I began to study the World, and -to know Men and Manners. And here I -found it to be true what I have read in -an antient Poet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[26]</a></span></p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="verse">“For, now-a-days, Men change their Oaths,</div> -<div class="verse">As often as they change their Cloaths.”</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In short, Oaths are the Children of -Fashion, they are in some sense almost -Annuals, like what I observed before of -Cant-Words; and I my self can remember -about forty different Sets. The old -Stock-Oaths I am confident, do not -mount to above forty five, or fifty at -most; but the Way of mingling and -compounding them is almost as various -as that of the Alphabet.</p> - -<p>Sir <span class="smcap">John Perrot</span> was the first Man -of Quality whom I find upon Record to -have sworn by <i>G—’s W—s</i>. He lived -in the Reign of Q. <i>Elizabeth</i>, and was -supposed to have been a natural Son of -<i>Henry</i> the Eighth, who might also have -probably been his Instructor. This Oath -indeed still continues, and is a Stock-Oath -to this Day; so do several others -that have kept their natural Simplicity: -But, infinitely the greater Number hath -been so frequently changed and dislocated, -that if the Inventors were now -alive, they could hardly understand them.</p> - -<p>Upon these Considerations I began to -apprehend, that if I should insert all the -Oaths as are now current, my Book<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[27]</a></span> -would be out of Vogue with the first -Change of Fashion, and grow useless as -an old Dictionary: Whereas, the Case is -quite otherways with my Collection of -polite Discourse; which, as I before observed, -hath descended by Tradition for -at least an hundred Years, without any -Change in the Phraseology. I, therefore, -determined with my self to leave out the -whole System of Swearing; because, -both the male and female Oaths are all -perfectly well known and distinguished; -new ones are easily learnt, and with a -moderate Share of Discretion may be -properly applied on every fit Occasion. -However, I must here, upon this Article -of Swearing, most earnestly recommend -to my male Readers, that they would -please a little to study Variety. For, it -is the Opinion of our most refined -Swearers, that the same Oath or Curse, -cannot, consistent with true Politeness, -be repeated above nine Times in the -same Company, by the same Person, and -at one Sitting.</p> - -<p>I am far from desiring, or expecting, -that all the polite and ingenious Speeches, -contained in this Work, should, in the -general Conversation between Ladies<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[28]</a></span> -and Gentlemen, come in so quick and so -close as I have here delivered them. By -no means: On the contrary, they ought -to be husbanded better, and spread -much thinner. Nor, do I make the least -Question, but that, by a discreet thrifty -Management, they may serve for the -Entertainment of a whole Year, to any -Person, who does not make too long or -too frequent Visits in the same Family. -The Flowers of Wit, Fancy, Wisdom, -Humour, and Politeness, scattered in this -Volume, amount to one thousand, seventy -and four. Allowing then to every Gentleman -and Lady thirty visiting Families, -(not insisting upon Fractions) there will -want but little of an hundred polite -Questions, Answers, Replies, Rejoinders, -Repartees, and Remarks, to be daily delivered -fresh, in every Company, for -twelve solar Months; and even this is a -higher Pitch of Delicacy than the World -insists on, or hath Reason to expect. -But, I am altogether for exalting this -Science to its utmost Perfection.</p> - -<p>It may be objected, that the Publication -of my Book may, in a long Course -of Time, prostitute this noble Art to -mean and vulgar People: But, I answer;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[29]</a></span> -That it is not so easy an Acquirement -as a few ignorant Pretenders may imagine. -A Footman can swear; but he -cannot swear like a Lord. He can swear -as often: But, can he swear with equal -Delicacy, Propriety, and Judgment? No, -certainly; unless he be a Lad of superior -Parts, of good Memory, a diligent Observer; -one who hath a skilful Ear, some -Knowledge in Musick, and an exact -Taste, which hardly fall to the Share of -one in a thousand among that Fraternity, -in as high Favour as they now stand -with their Ladies; neither hath one -Footman in six so fine a Genius as to -relish and apply those exalted Sentences -comprised in this Volume, which I offer -to the World: It is true, I cannot see -that the same ill Consequences would -follow from the Waiting-Woman, who, -if she hath been bred to read Romances, -may have some small subaltern, or -second-hand Politeness; and if she constantly -attends the Tea, and be a good -Listner, may, in some Years, make a -tolerable Figure, which will serve, perhaps, -to draw in the young Chaplain or -the old Steward. But, alas! after all, -how can she acquire those hundreds of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[30]</a></span> -Graces and Motions, and Airs, the whole -military Management of the Fan, the -Contortions of every muscular Motion -in the Face, the Risings and Fallings, -the Quickness and Slowness of the -Voice, with the several Turns and Cadences; -the proper Junctures of Smiling -and Frowning, how often and how loud -to laugh, when to jibe and when to flout, -with all the other Branches of Doctrine -and Discipline above-recited?</p> - -<p>I am, therefore, not under the least -Apprehension that this Art will be ever -in Danger of falling into common Hands, -which requires so much Time, Study, -Practice, and Genius, before it arrives to -Perfection; and, therefore, I must repeat -my Proposal for erecting Publick Schools, -provided with the best and ablest Masters -and Mistresses, at the Charge of the -Nation.</p> - -<p>I have drawn this Work into the -Form of a Dialogue, after the Patterns -of other famous Writers in History, -Law, Politicks, and most other Arts and -Sciences, and I hope it will have the -same Success: For, who can contest it -to be of greater Consequence to the -Happiness of these Kingdoms, than all<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[31]</a></span> -human Knowledge put together. Dialogue -is held the best Method of inculcating -any Part of Knowledge; and, as -I am confident, that Publick Schools will -soon be founded for teaching Wit and -Politeness, after my Scheme, to young -People of Quality and Fortune, I have -determined next Sessions to deliver a -Petition to the <i>House of Lords</i> for an -Act of Parliament, to establish my Book, -as the Standard <i>Grammar</i> in all the -principal Cities of the Kingdom where -this Art is to be taught, by able Masters, -who are to be approved and recommended -by me; which is no more than -<span class="smcap">Lilly</span> obtained only for teaching Words -in a Language wholly useless: Neither -shall I be so far wanting to my self, as -not to desire a Patent granted of course -to all useful Projectors; I mean, that I -may have the sole Profit of giving a -Licence to every School to read my -<i>Grammar</i> for fourteen Years.</p> - -<p>The Reader cannot but observe what -Pains I have been at in polishing the -Style of my Book to the greatest Exactness: -Nor, have I been less diligent in -refining the Orthography, by spelling -the Words in the very same Manner<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[32]</a></span> -that they are pronounced by the Chief -Patterns of Politeness, at Court, at Levees, -at Assemblees, at Play-houses, at the -prime Visiting-Places, by young Templers, -and by Gentlemen-Commoners of -both Universities, who have lived at least -a Twelvemonth in Town, and kept the -best Company. Of these Spellings the -Publick will meet with many Examples -in the following Book. For instance, -<i>can’t</i>, <i>han’t</i>, <i>sha’nt</i>, <i>didn’t</i>, <i>coodn’t</i>, <i>woodn’t</i>, -<i>isn’t</i>, <i>e’n’t</i>, with many more; besides -several Words which Scholars pretend -are derived from <i>Greek</i> and <i>Latin</i>, but -not pared into a polite Sound by Ladies, -Officers of the Army, Courtiers and -Templers, such as <i>Jommetry</i> for <i>Geometry</i>, -<i>Verdi</i> for <i>Verdict</i>, <i>Lierd</i> for <i>Lord</i>, <i>Larnen</i> -for <i>Learning</i>; together with some Abbreviations -exquisitely refined; as, <i>Pozz</i> for -<i>Positive</i>; <i>Mobb</i> for <i>Mobile</i>; <i>Phizz</i> for -<i>Physiognomy</i>; <i>Rep</i> for <i>Reputation</i>; <i>Plenipo</i> -for <i>Plenipotentiary</i>; <i>Incog</i> for <i>Incognito</i>; -<i>Hypps</i>, or <i>Hippo</i>, for <i>Hypocondriacks</i>; -<i>Bam</i> for <i>Bamboozle</i>; and <i>Bamboozle</i> -for <i>God knows what</i>; whereby -much Time is saved, and the high Road -to Conversation cut short by many a -Mile.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[33]</a></span></p> - -<p>I have, as it will be apparent, laboured -very much, and, I hope, with Felicity -enough, to make every Character in the -Dialogue agreeable with it self, to a degree, -that, whenever any judicious Person -shall read my Book aloud, for the Entertainment -and Instruction of a select Company, -he need not so much as name the -particular Speakers; because all the Persons, -throughout the several Subjects of -Conversation, strictly observe a different -Manner, peculiar to their Characters, -which are of different kinds: But this I -leave entirely to the prudent and impartial -Reader’s Discernment.</p> - -<p>Perhaps the very Manner of introducing -the several Points of Wit and Humour -may not be less entertaining and instructing -than the Matter it self. In the latter -I can pretend to little Merit; because it -entirely depends upon Memory and the -Happiness of having kept polite Company. -But, the Art of contriving, that -those Speeches should be introduced -naturally, as the most proper Sentiments -to be delivered upon so great Variety -of Subjects, I take to be a Talent somewhat -uncommon, and a Labour that few -People could hope to succeed in unless<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[34]</a></span> -they had a Genius, particularly turned -that way, added to a sincere disinterested -Love of the Publick.</p> - -<p>Although every curious Question, smart -Answer, and witty Reply be little known -to many People; yet, there is not one -single Sentence in the whole Collection, -for which I cannot bring most authentick -Vouchers, whenever I shall be called; -and, even for some Expressions, which to -a few nice Ears may perhaps appear -somewhat gross, I can produce the Stamp -of Authority from Courts, Chocolate-houses, -Theatres, Assemblees, Drawing-rooms, -Levees, Card-meetings, Balls, and -Masquerades, from Persons of both -Sexes, and of the highest Titles next to -Royal. However, to say the truth, I -have been very sparing in my Quotations -of such Sentiments that seem to be -over free; because, when I began my -Collection, such kind of Converse was -almost in its Infancy, till it was taken -into the Protection of my honoured -Patronesses at Court, by whose Countenance -and Sanction it hath become a -choice Flower in the Nosegay of Wit and -Politeness.</p> - -<p>Some will perhaps object, that when<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[35]</a></span> -I bring my Company to Dinner, I mention -too great a Variety of Dishes, not -always consistent with the Art of -Cookery, or proper for the Season of the -Year, and Part of the first Course mingled -with the second, besides a Failure in -Politeness, by introducing Black Pudden -to a Lord’s Table, and at a great Entertainment: -But, if I had omitted the -Black Pudden, I desire to know what -would have become of that exquisite -Reason given by Miss <span class="smcap">Notable</span> for not -eating it; the World perhaps might have -lost it for ever, and I should have been -justly answerable for having left it out of -my Collection. I therefore cannot but -hope, that such Hypercritical Readers -will please to consider, my Business was -to make so full and compleat a Body of -refined Sayings, as compact as I could; -only taking care to produce them in the -most natural and probable Manner, in -order to allure my Readers into the very -Substance and Marrow of this most admirable -and necessary Art.</p> - -<p>I am heartily sorry, and was much disappointed -to find, that so universal and -polite an Entertainment as <span class="smcap">Cards</span>, hath -hitherto contributed very little to the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[36]</a></span> -Enlargement of my Work; I have sate -by many hundred Times with the -utmost Vigilance, and my Table-Book -ready, without being able in eight Hours -to gather Matter for one single Phrase in -my Book. But this, I think, may be -easily accounted for by the Turbulence -and Justling of Passions upon the various -and surprising Turns, Incidents, Revolutions, -and Events of good and evil Fortune, -that arrive in the course of a long -Evening at Play; the Mind being wholly -taken up, and the Consequence of Non-attention -so fatal.</p> - -<p>Play is supported upon the two great -Pillars of Deliberation and Action. The -Terms of Art are few, prescribed by Law -and Custom; no Time allowed for Digressions -or Tryals of Wit. <span class="smcap">Quadrille</span> -in particular bears some Resemblance to -a State of Nature, which, we are told, is -a State of War, wherein every Woman -is against every Woman: The Unions -short, inconstant, and soon broke; the -League made this Minute without knowing -the Ally; and dissolved in the next. -Thus, at the Game of <span class="smcap">Quadrille</span>, female -Brains are always employed in -Stratagem, or their Hands in Action.<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[37]</a></span> -Neither can I find, that our Art hath -gained much by the happy Revival of -<span class="smcap">Masquerading</span> among us; the whole -Dialogue in those Meetings being summed -up in one sprightly (I confess, but) single -Question, and as sprightly an Answer. -<span class="smcap">Do you know me? Yes, I do.</span> And, -<span class="smcap">Do you know me? Yes, I do</span>. For -this Reason I did not think it proper to -give my Readers the Trouble of introducing -a Masquerade, meerly for the -sake of a single Question, and a single -Answer. Especially, when to perform -this in a proper manner, I must have -brought in a hundred Persons together, -of both Sexes, dressed in fantastick -Habits for one Minute, and dismiss them -the next.</p> - -<p>Neither is it reasonable to conceive, -that our Science can be much improved -by Masquerades; where the Wit of both -Sexes is altogether taken up in continuing -singular and humoursome Disguises; -and their Thoughts entirely employed in -bringing Intrigues and Assignations of -Gallantry to an happy Conclusion.</p> - -<p>The judicious Reader will readily discover, -that I make Miss <span class="smcap">Notable</span> my -Heroin, and Mr. <span class="smcap">Thomas Never-out<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[38]</a></span></span> -my Hero. I have laboured both their -Characters with my utmost Ability. It -is into their Mouths that I have put the -liveliest Questions, Answers, Repartees, -and Rejoynders; because my Design -was to propose them both as Patterns -for all young Batchelors and single -Ladies to copy after. By which I hope -very soon to see polite Conversation -flourish between both Sexes in a more -consummate Degree of Perfection, than -these Kingdoms have yet ever known.</p> - -<p>I have drawn some Lines of Sir <span class="smcap">John -Linger’s</span> Character, the <i>Derbyshire</i> -Knight, on purpose to place it in Counter-view -or Contrast with that of the other -Company; wherein I can assure the -Reader, that I intended not the least -Reflexion upon <i>Derbyshire</i>, the Place of -my Nativity. But, my Intention was -only to shew the Misfortune of those -Persons, who have the Disadvantage to -be bred out of the Circle of Politeness; -whereof I take the present Limits to extend -no further than <i>London</i>, and ten -Miles round; although others are please -to compute it within the Bills of Mortality. -If you compare the Discourses of my -Gentlemen and Ladies with those of Sir<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[39]</a></span> -<span class="smcap">John</span>, you will hardly conceive him to -have been bred in the same Climate, or -under the same Laws, Language, Religion, -or Government: And, accordingly, -I have introduced him speaking in his own -rude Dialect, for no other Reason than -to teach my Scholars how to avoid it.</p> - -<p>The curious Reader will observe, that -when Conversation appears in danger to -flag, which, in some Places, I have artfully -contrived, I took care to invent -some sudden Question, or Turn of Wit, -to revive it; such as these that follow. -<i>What? I think here’s a silent Meeting!</i> -<i>Come, Madam, A Penny for your -Thought</i>; with several other of the like -sort. I have rejected all provincial or -country Turns of Wit and Fancy, because -I am acquainted with a very few; but, -indeed, chiefly because I found them so -very much inferior to those at Court, -especially among the Gentlemen-Ushers, -the Ladies of the Bed-Chamber, and the -Maids of Honour; I must also add, the -hither End of our noble Metropolis.</p> - -<p>When this happy Art of polite Conversing -shall be thoroughly improved, -good Company will be no longer pestered -with dull, dry, tedious Story-tellers, nor<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[40]</a></span> -brangling Disputers: For, a right -Scholar, of either Sex, in our Science, -will perpetually interrupt them with -some sudden surprising Piece of Wit, that -shall engage all the Company in a loud -Laugh; and, if after a Pause, the grave -Companion resumes his Thread in the -following Manner; <i>Well, but to go on -with my Story</i>; new Interruptions come -from the Left to the Right, till he is -forced to give over.</p> - -<p>I have made some few Essays toward -<i>Selling of</i> <span class="smcap">Bargains</span>, as well for instructing -those, who delight in that Accomplishment, -as in compliance with my -Female Friends at Court. However, I -have transgressed a little in this Point, by -doing it in a manner somewhat more reserved -than as it is now practiced at St. -<i>James</i>’s. At the same time, I can hardly -allow this Accomplishment to pass properly -for a Branch of that perfect polite -Conversation, which makes the constituent -Subject of my Treatise; and, for which -I have already given my Reasons. I have -likewise, for further Caution, left a Blank -in the critical Point of each <i>Bargain</i>, -which the sagacious Reader may fill up in -his own Mind.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[41]</a></span></p> - -<p>As to my self, I am proud to own, that -except some Smattering in the <i>French</i>, I -am what the Pedants and Scholars call, a -Man wholly illiterate, that is to say, unlearned. -But, as to my own Language, -I shall not readily yield to many Persons: -I have read most of the Plays, and all the -miscellany Poems that have been published -for twenty Years past. I have -read Mr. <i>Thomas Brown</i>’s Works entire, -and had the Honour to be his intimate -Friend, who was universally allowed to be -the greatest Genius of his Age.</p> - -<p>Upon what Foot I stand with the present -chief reigning Wits, their Verses -recommendatory, which they have commended -me to prefix before my Book, -will be more than a thousand Witnesses: -I am, and have been, likewise, particularly -acquainted with Mr. <span class="smcap">Charles Gildon</span>, -Mr. <span class="smcap">Ward</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Dennis</span>, that admirable -Critick and Poet, and several others. -Each of these eminent Persons (I mean, -those who are still alive) have done me -the Honour to read this Production five -Times over with the strictest Eye of -friendly Severity, and proposed some, -although very few, Amendments, which -I gratefully accepted, and do here publickly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[42]</a></span> -return my Acknowledgment for -so singular a Favour.</p> - -<p>And here, I cannot conceal, without -Ingratitude, the great Assistance I have -received from those two illustrious Writers, -Mr. <span class="smcap">Ozel</span>, and Captain <span class="smcap">Stevens</span>. These, -and some others, of distinguished Eminence, -in whose Company I have passed -so many agreeable Hours, as they have -been the great Refiners of our Language; -so, it hath been my chief Ambition to -imitate them. Let the <span class="smcap">Popes</span>, the <span class="smcap">Gays</span>, -the <span class="smcap">Arbuthnots</span>, the <span class="smcap">Youngs</span>, and the -rest of that snarling Brood burst with -Envy at the Praises we receive from the -Court and Kingdom.</p> - -<p>But to return from this Digression.</p> - -<p>The Reader will find that the following -Collection of polite Expressions will -easily incorporate with all Subjects of -genteel and fashionable Life. Those, -which are proper for Morning-Tea, will -be equally useful at the same Entertainment -in the Afternoon, even in the same -Company, only by shifting the several -Questions, Answers, and Replies, into -different Hands; and such as are adapted -to Meals will indifferently serve for Dinners -or Suppers, only distinguishing between<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[43]</a></span> -Day-light and Candle-light. By this -Method no diligent Person, of a tolerable -Memory, can ever be at a loss.</p> - -<p>It hath been my constant Opinion, that -every Man, who is intrusted by Nature -with any useful Talent of the Mind, is -bound by all the Ties of Honour, and -that Justice which we all owe our Country, -to propose to himself some one illustrious -Action, to be performed in his Life -for the publick Emolument. And, I freely -confess, that so grand, so important an -Enterprize as I have undertaken, and -executed to the best of my Power, well -deserved a much abler Hand, as well as -a liberal Encouragement from the Crown. -However, I am bound so far to acquit -my self, as to declare, that I have often -and most earnestly intreated several of -my above-named Friends, universally -allowed to be of the first Rank in Wit -and Politeness, that they would undertake -a Work, so honourable to themselves, -and so beneficial to the Kingdom; -but so great was their Modesty, that they -all thought fit to excuse themselves, and -impose the Task on me; yet in so obliging -a Manner, and attended with such Compliments -on my poor Qualifications, that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[44]</a></span> -I dare not repeat. And, at last, their Intreaties, -or rather their Commands, added -to that inviolable Love I bear to the Land -of my Nativity, prevailed upon me to engage -in so bold an Attempt.</p> - -<p>I may venture to affirm, without the -least Violation of Modesty, that there is -no Man, now alive, who hath, by many -Degrees, so just Pretensions as my self, -to the highest Encouragement from the -<span class="smcap">Crown</span>, the <span class="smcap">Parliament</span>, and the <span class="smcap">Ministry</span>, -towards bringing this Work to its -due Perfection. I have been assured, that -several great Heroes of antiquity were -worshipped as Gods, upon the Merit of -having civilized a fierce and barbarous -People. It is manifest, I could have no -other Intentions; and, I dare appeal to -my very Enemies, if such a Treatise as -mine had been published some Years -ago, and with as much Success as I am -confident this will meet, I mean, by turning -the Thoughts of the whole Nobility -and Gentry to the Study and Practice of -polite Conversation; whether such mean -stupid Writers, as the <span class="smcap">Craftsman</span> and -his Abettors, could have been able to -corrupt the Principles of so many hundred -thousand Subjects, as, to the Shame<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[45]</a></span> -and Grief of every whiggish, loyal, and -true Protestant Heart, it is too manifest, -they have done. For, I desire the honest -judicious Reader to make one Remark, -that after having exhausted the Whole<a name="FNanchor_2" id="FNanchor_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a> -<i>In sickly payday</i> (if I may so call it) of -Politeness and Refinement, and faithfully -digested it in the following Dialogues, -there cannot be found one Expression -relating to Politicks; that the <span class="smcap">Ministry</span> -is never mentioned, nor the Word <span class="smcap">King</span>, -above twice or thrice, and then only to -the Honour of Majesty; so very cautious -were our wiser Ancestors in forming Rules -for Conversation, as never to give Offence -to Crowned Heads, nor interfere with -Party Disputes in the State. And indeed, -although there seem to be a close -Resemblance between the two Words -<i>Politeness</i> and <i>Politicks</i>, yet no Ideas are -more inconsistent in their Natures. However, -to avoid all Appearance of Disaffection, -I have taken care to enforce Loyalty -by an invincible Argument, drawn from -the very Fountain of this noble Science, -in the following short Terms, that ought<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[46]</a></span> -to be writ in Gold, <span class="smcap">Must is for the -King</span>; which uncontroulable Maxim I -took particular Care of introducing in -the first Page of my Book; thereby to -instil early the best Protestant Loyal -Notions into the Minds of my Readers. -Neither is it meerly my own private -Opinion, that Politeness is the firmest -Foundation upon which Loyalty can be -supported: For, thus happily sings the -Divine Mr. <i>Tibbalds</i>, or <i>Theobalds</i>, in one -of his Birth-Day Poems.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="verse">“I am no Schollard; but I am polite:</div> -<div class="verse">Therefore be sure I am no <i>Jacobite</i>.”</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Hear likewise, to the same purpose, -that great Master of the whole Poetick -Choir, our most illustrious Laureat Mr. -<span class="smcap">Colly Cibber</span>.</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="verse">“Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing,</div> -<div class="verse">Will never loyal be to <span class="smcap">George</span> <i>our King</i>.”</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>I could produce many more shining -Passages out of our principal Poets, of -both Sexes, to confirm this momentous -Truth. From whence, I think, it may -be fairly concluded, that whoever can -most contribute towards propagating the -Science contained in the following Sheets,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[47]</a></span> -through the Kingdoms of <i>Great-Britain</i> -and <i>Ireland</i>, may justly demand all the -Favour, that the wisest Court, and most -judicious Senate, are able to confer on -the most deserving Subject. I leave the -Application to my Readers.</p> - -<p>This is the Work, which I have been -so hardy to attempt, and without the -least mercenary View. Neither do I -doubt of succeeding to my full Wish, -except among the <span class="smcap">Tories</span> and their -Abettors; who being all <i>Jacobites</i>, and, -consequently <i>Papists</i> in their Hearts, -from a Want of true Taste, or by strong -Affectation, may perhaps resolve not to -read my Book; chusing rather to deny -themselves the Pleasure and Honour of -shining in polite Company among the -principal Genius’s of both Sexes throughout -the Kingdom, than adorn their Minds -with this noble Art; and probably apprehending -(as, I confess nothing is more -likely to happen) that a true Spirit of -Loyalty to the Protestant Succession -should steal in along with it.</p> - -<p>If my favourable and gentle Readers -could possibly conceive the perpetual -Watchings, the numberless Toils, the -frequent Risings in the Night, to set<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[48]</a></span> -down several ingenious Sentences, that I -suddenly or accidentally recollected; and -which, without my utmost Vigilance, had -been irrecoverably lost for ever: If they -would consider with what incredible Diligence -I daily and nightly attended at -those Houses, where Persons of both -Sexes, and of the most distinguished -Merit, used to meet and display their -Talents; with what Attention I listened -to all their Discourses, the better to retain -them in my Memory; and then, at -proper Seasons, withdrew unobserved, to -enter them in my Table-Book, while the -Company little suspected what a noble -Work I had then in Embryo: I say, if -all these were known to the World, I -think, it would be no great Presumption -in me to expect, at a proper Juncture, -the publick Thanks of both Houses of -Parliament, for the Service and Honour -I have done to the whole Nation by my -single Pen.</p> - -<p>Although I have never been once -charged with the least Tincture of -Vanity, the Reader will, I hope, give me -leave to put an easy Question: What is -become of all the King of <i>Sweden</i>’s Victories? -Where are the Fruits of them at<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[49]</a></span> -this Day? or, of what Benefit will they -be to Posterity? were not many of his -greatest Actions owing, at least in part, -to Fortune? were not all of them owing -to the Valour of his Troops, as much -as to his own Conduct? could he have -conquered the <i>Polish</i> King, or the -<i>Czar</i> of <i>Muscovy</i>, with his single Arm? -Far be it from me to envy or lessen the -Fame he hath acquired; but, at the same -time, I will venture to say, without Breach -of Modesty, that I, who have alone with -this Right-hand subdued Barbarism, -Rudeness, and Rusticity, who have established -and fixed for ever the whole System -of all true Politeness and Refinement -in Conversation, should think my -self most inhumanely treated by my -Country-men, and would accordingly resent -it as the highest Indignity, to be -put upon the level, in point of Fame, in -After-ages, with <span class="smcap">Charles</span> the Twelfth, -late King of <i>Sweden</i>.</p> - -<p>And yet, so incurable is the Love of -Detraction, perhaps beyond what the -charitable Reader will easily believe, that -I have been assured by more than one -credible Person, how some of my -Enemies have industriously whispered<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[50]</a></span> -about, that one <span class="smcap">Isaac Newton</span>, an Instrument-maker, -formerly living near -<i>Leicester-Fields</i>, and afterwards a Workman -at the Mint in the <i>Tower</i>, might -possibly pretend to vye with me for -Fame in future times. The Man it seems -was knighted for making Sun-Dials better -than others of his Trade, and was thought -to be a Conjurer, because he knew how -to draw Lines and Circles upon a Slate, -which no body could understand. But, -adieu to all noble Attempts for endless -Renown, if the Ghost of an obscure Mechanick -shall be raised up to enter into -competition with me, only for his Skill -in making Pot-hooks and Hangers with -a Pencil, which many thousand accomplished -Gentlemen and Ladies can perform -as well with a Pen and Ink upon a -Piece of Paper, and, in a manner, as -little intelligible as those of Sir <span class="smcap">Isaac</span>.</p> - -<p>My most ingenious Friend already -mentioned, Mr. <span class="smcap">Colly Cibber</span>, who -does too much Honour to the Laurel -Crown he deservedly wears (as he hath -often done to many Imperial Diadems -placed on his Head) was pleased to tell -me, that, if my Treatise were formed -into a Comedy, the Representation, performed<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[51]</a></span> -to Advantage on our Theatre -might very much contribute to the -Spreading of polite Conversation among -all Persons of Distinction through the -whole Kingdom.</p> - -<p>I own, the Thought was ingenious, -and my Friend’s Intention good. But, -I cannot agree to his Proposal: For, Mr. -<span class="smcap">Cibber</span> himself allowed, that the Subjects -handled in my Work, being so -numerous and extensive, it would be absolutely -impossible for one, two, or even -six Comedies to contain them. From -whence it will follow, that many admirable -and essential Rules for polite Conversation -must be omitted.</p> - -<p>And here let me do justice to my -Friend Mr. <span class="smcap">Tibalds</span>, who plainly confessed -before Mr. <span class="smcap">Cibber</span> himself, that -such a Project, as it would be a great -Diminution to my Honour, so it would -intolerably mangle my Scheme, and -thereby destroy the principal End at -which I aimed, to form a compleat Body -or System of this most useful Science in -all its Parts. And therefore Mr. <span class="smcap">Tibbalds</span>, -whose Judgment was never disputed, -chose rather to fall in with my -Proposal mentioned before, of erecting<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[52]</a></span> -publick Schools and Seminaries all over -the Kingdom, to instruct the young -People of both Sexes in this Art, according -to my Rules, and in the Method that -I have laid down.</p> - -<p>I shall conclude this long, but necessary -Introduction, with a Request, or -indeed rather, a just and reasonable Demand -from all Lords, Ladies, and Gentlemen, -that while they are entertaining -and improving each other with those -polite Questions, Answers, Repartees, -Replies, and Rejoinders, which I have -with infinite Labour, and close Application, -during the Space of thirty-six -Years, been collecting for their Service -and Improvement, they shall, as an Instance -of Gratitude, on every proper -Occasion, quote my Name, after this or -the like manner. <i>Madam, as our Master</i> -<span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span> <i>says</i>. <i>My Lord, as our Friend</i> -<span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span> <i>has it</i>. I do likewise expect, -that all my Pupils shall drink my Health -every Day at Dinner and Supper during -my Life; and that they, or their Posterity, -shall continue the same Ceremony to my -<i>not inglorious Memory</i>, after my Decease, -for ever.</p> - -<div class="footnotes"> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_2" id="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> This Word is spelt by <i>Latinists</i>, <i>Encyclopædia</i>; -but the judicious Author wisely prefers -the Polite Reading before the Pedantick.</p> - -</div> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[53]</a></span></p> - -<h1>POLITE CONVERSATION.<br /> -<span class="smaller">IN THREE DIALOGUES.</span></h1> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[54]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ</h2> - -<div class="figcenter" style="width: 15em;"> - -<h3>The MEN.</h3> - -<ul> -<li><i>Lord</i> <span class="smcap">Sparkish</span>,</li> -<li><i>Lord</i> <span class="smcap">Smart</span>,</li> -<li><i>Sir</i> <span class="smcap">John Linger</span>,</li> -<li><i>Mr.</i> <span class="smcap">Neverout</span>,</li> -<li><i>Colonel</i> <span class="smcap">Atwit</span>.</li> -</ul> - -<h3>The LADIES.</h3> - -<ul> -<li><i>Lady</i> <span class="smcap">Smart</span>,</li> -<li><i>Miss</i> <span class="smcap">Notable</span>,</li> -<li><i>Lady</i> <span class="smcap">Answerall</span>.</li> -</ul> - -</div> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[55]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="DIALOGUE_I">POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.<br /> -<span class="smaller">ST. JAMES’S PARK.</span></h2> - -<p class="center"><i>Lord</i> Sparkish <i>meeting Col.</i> Atwit.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well met, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Thank ye, Colonel. A -Parson would have said, I hope we shall -meet in Heaven. When did you see -<i>Tom Neverout</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> He’s just coming towards us. -Talk of the Devil——</p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>comes up</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> How do you do, <i>Tom</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Never the better for you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I hope, you’re never the worse. -But where’s your Manners? Don’t you -see my Lord <i>Sparkish</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, I beg your Lordship’s -Pardon.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> <i>Tom</i>, how is it, that you<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[56]</a></span> -can’t see the Wood for Trees? What -Wind blew you hither?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, my Lord, it is an ill -Wind blows nobody good; for it gives -me the Honour of seeing your Lordship.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> <i>Tom</i>, you must go with us to -Lady <i>Smart</i>’s to Breakfast.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Must? Why, Colonel, Must’s -for the King.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Col. offering in Jest to draw his Sword.</i></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Have you spoke with all your -Friends?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Colonel, as you’re stout, be -merciful.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Come, agree, agree; the -Law’s costly.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Col. taking his Hand from the Hilt.</i></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, <i>Tom</i>, you are never the -worse Man to be afraid of me. Come -along.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What, do you think, I was -born in a Wood, to be afraid of an -Owl?</p> - -<p>I’ll wait on you. I hope Miss <i>Notable</i> -will be there; egad she’s very handsome, -and has Wit at Will.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why every one as they like; as -the good Woman said, when she kiss’d -her Cow.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[57]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Lord</i> Smart’<i>s House; they knock at the -Door; the</i> Porter <i>comes out</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, are you the -Porter?</p> - -<p><i>Porter.</i> Yes, for Want of a better.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Is your Lady at Home?</p> - -<p><i>Porter.</i> She was at Home just now; -but she’s not gone out yet.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I warrant, this Rogue’s -Tongue is well hung.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Lady</i> Smart’<i>s Antichamber</i>.</p> - -<p class="direction"><i>Lady</i> Smart <i>and Lady</i> Answerall <i>at the -Tea-table</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord, your Lordship’s -most humble Servant.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Madam, you spoke too -late; I was your Ladyship’s before.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Oh! Colonel, are you -here!</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> As sure as you’re there, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Oh, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>! what, -such a Man alive!</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay, Madam; alive, and alive -like to be, at your Ladyship’s Service.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well: I’ll get a Knife, -and nick it down, that Mr. <i>Neverout</i><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[58]</a></span> -came to our House. And pray, What -News Mr. <i>Neverout</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Madam, Queen <i>Elizabeth</i>’s -dead.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I see -you are no Changeling.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Miss</i> Notable <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, your Slave: I hope -your early Rising will do you no Harm. -I hear you are but just come out of the -Cloth-Market.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I always rise at Eleven, whether -it be Day or no.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, I hope you are up for all -Day?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Yes, if I don’t get a Fall before -Night.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, I heard you were out of -Order; pray, how are you now?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pretty well, Colonel, I thank -you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pretty and well, Miss! that’s Two -very good things.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I mean, I am better than I was.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why then, ’tis well you -were sick.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; you take -me up, before I’m down.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[59]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Come, let us leave off -Children’s Play, and come to Push-pin.</p> - -<p><i>Miss</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Pray, Madam, -give me some more Sugar to my Tea.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! Miss, you must needs be very -good-humour’d, you love sweet things so -much.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Stir it up with the Spoon, -Miss; for the deeper the sweeter.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I assure you, Miss, the -Colonel has made you a great Compliment.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I am sorry for it; for I have -heard say, that complimenting is lying.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>to Ld. Sparkish.</i>] My -Lord, methinks the Sight of you is good -for sore Eyes; if we had known of your -Coming, we would have strown Rushes -for you: How has your Lordship done -this long time?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Faith, Madam, he’s better in -Health, than in good Conditions.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well; I see there’s no -worse Friend than one brings from Home -with one; and I am not the first Man -has carry’d a Rod to whip himself.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Here’s Miss, has not a Word -to throw at a Dog. Come; a Penny for -your Thoughts.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[60]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> It is not worth a Farthing; for -I was thinking of you.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Col.</i>——<i>rising up.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Colonel, Where are you -going so soon? I hope you did not come -to fetch Fire.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Madam, I must needs go Home -for half an Hour.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, Colonel, they say, the -Devil’s at Home.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answerall.</i> Well, but sit while -you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as standing.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> No, Madam; while I’m standing -I’m going.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Nay, let him go; I promise him, -we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold him.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I suppose, Colonel, we -keep you from better Company; I mean -only as to myself.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Madam, I am all Obedience.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Col. sits down.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Lord, Miss, how can you -drink your Tea so hot? Sure your -Mouth’s pav’d.</p> - -<p>How do you like this Tea, Colonel?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well enough, Madam; but methinks -it is a little more-ish.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Oh, Colonel! I understand<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[61]</a></span> -you. <i>Betty</i>, bring the Canister: I -have but very little of this Tea left; but -I don’t love to make two Wants of one; -want when I have it, and want when I -have it not. He, he, he, he.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Laughs.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> [<i>to the Maid.</i>] Why, sure, -<i>Betty</i>, you are bewitch’d; the Cream is -burnt to.</p> - -<p><i>Betty.</i> Why, Madam, the Bishop has -set his Foot in it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Go, you Girl, and warm -some fresh Cream.</p> - -<p><i>Betty.</i> Indeed, Madam, there’s none -left; for the Cat has eaten it all.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I doubt, it was a Cat -with Two Legs.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Colonel, Don’t you love Bread -and Butter with your Tea?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Yes, in a Morning, Miss: For they -say, Butter is Gold in a Morning, Silver -at Noon, but it is Lead at Night.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, the Weather is so hot, -that my Butter melts on my Bread.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, Butter, I’ve heard -’em say, is mad twice a Year.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> [<i>to the Maid.</i>] Mrs. <i>Betty</i>, -how does your Body Politick?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Fie, my Lord; you’ll make Mrs. -<i>Betty</i> blush.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[62]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Blush! ay, blush like a -blue Dog.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Mrs. <i>Betty</i>, Are not -you <i>Tom Johnson</i>’s Daughter?</p> - -<p><i>Betty.</i> So my Mother tells me, Sir.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> But, Mrs. <i>Betty</i>, I hear -you are in Love.</p> - -<p><i>Betty.</i> My Lord, I thank God, I hate -nobody; I am in Charity with all the -World.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, Wench, I think, -thy Tongue runs upon Wheels this -Morning: How came you by that Scratch -on your Nose? Have you been fighting -with the Cats?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Miss.</i>] Miss, When will you be -married?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> One of these Odd-come-shortly’s, -Colonel.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Yes; they say, the Match is -half made, the Spark is willing, but Miss -is not.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I suppose, the Gentleman has -got his own Consent for it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Pray, My Lord, did you -walk through the Park in this Rain?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Yes, Madam; we were -neither Sugar nor Salt; we were not afraid -the Rain would melt us. He, he, he. [<i>Laugh.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[63]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> It rain’d, and the Sun shone at -the same time.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, then the Devil was -beating his Wife behind the Door, with -a Shoulder of Mutton. [——<i>Laugh.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> A blind Man would be glad to -see that.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, methinks -you stand in your own Light.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ah! Madam, I have done -so all my Life.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> I’m sure he sits in mine: -Prythee, <i>Tom</i>, sit a little farther: I believe -your Father was no Glasier.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, dear Girl, fill me -out a Dish of Tea, for I’m very lazy.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Miss fills a Dish of Tea, sweetens it, -and then tastes it.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What, Miss, Will you be -my Taster?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, Madam; but, they say, ’tis -an ill Cook, that can’t lick her own -Fingers.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, fill me another.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Will you have it now, or stay -till you get it?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> But, Colonel, they say, -you went to Court last Night very drunk:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[64]</a></span> -Nay, I’m told for certain, you had been -among <i>Philistines</i>: No Wonder the Cat -wink’d, when both her Eyes were out.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Indeed, Madam, that’s a Lye.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> ’Tis better I should lye, -than you should lose your good Manners: -Besides, I don’t lie; I sit.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> O faith, Colonel, you must -own you had a Drop in your Eye: When -I left you, you were half Seas over.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well, I fear, Lady <i>Answerall</i> -can’t live long, she has so much -Wit.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No; she can’t live, that’s -certain; but she may linger Thirty or -Forty Years.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Live long; ay, longer than a -Cat, or a Dog, or a better thing.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Oh! Miss, you must give -your Vardi too!</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Miss, Shall I fill you -another Dish of Tea?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, my Lord, I have drank -enough.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Come, it will do you -more good than a Month’s Fasting; -here, take it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, I thank your Lordship; -enough’s as good as a Feast.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[65]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well; but if you always -say No, you’ll never be married.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Do, my Lord, give her a -Dish; for, they say, Maids will say No, -and take it.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well; and I dare say, -Miss is a Maid in Thought, Word, and -Deed.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I would not take my Oath -of that.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Sir, speak for yourself.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Fie, Miss; they say, -Maids should be seen, and not heard.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Good Miss, stir the Fire, -that the Tea-Kettle may boil.—You have -done it very well; now it burns purely. -Well, Miss, you’ll have a chearful Husband.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, your Ladyship could -have stirr’d it much better.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I know that very well, -Hussy; but I won’t keep a Dog, and -bark myself.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What! you are sick, Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Not at all; for her Ladyship -meant you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! faith, Miss, you are in -Lob’s-pound; get out as you can.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I won’t quarrel with my Bread<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[66]</a></span> -and Butter for all that: I know when -I’m well.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well; but Miss——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ah! dear Madam, let the -Matter fall; take Pity on poor Miss; -don’t throw Water on a drownded Rat.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you should -be cut for the Simples this Morning: -Say a Word more, and you had as good -eat your Nails.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, Miss, will you be -so good as to favour us with a Song?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, my Lord, I can’t; for -I have a great Cold.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! Miss, they say, all good -Singers have Colds.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, Madam, does not -Miss sing very well?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> She sings, as one may -<i>say</i>, my Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I hear, Mr. <i>Neverout</i> has a very -good Voice.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Yes; <i>Tom</i> sings well; but his -Luck’s naught.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Colonel, you hit yourself -a devilish Box on the Ear.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, Will you take a Pinch of -Snuff?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, Colonel; you must know,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[67]</a></span> -I never take Snuff, but when I’m -angry.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Yes, yes, she can take -Snuff; but she has never a Box to put -it in.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Colonel, let me see that -Box.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Madam, there’s never a C upon it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> May be there is, Colonel.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ay; but May-bees don’t fly now, -Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Colonel, why so hard upon -poor Miss? Don’t set your Wit against -a Child: Miss, give me a Blow, and I’ll -beat him.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> So she pray’d me to tell you.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, my Lady <i>Smart</i>, -What Kin are you to Lord <i>Pozz</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, his Grandmother -and mine had Four Elbows.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, methinks here is a -silent Meeting. Come, Miss, hold up -your Head, Girl; there’s Money bid for -you.</p> - -<p class="direction">[—<i>Miss starts</i>—</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord, Madam, you frighten me -out of my Seven Senses!</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well, I must be going.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I have seen hastier People -than you stay all Night.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[68]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] <i>Tom Neverout</i> -and I are to leap To-morrow for a -Guinea.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I believe, Colonel, Mr. <i>Neverout</i> -can leap at a Crust better than you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, your Tongue runs before -your Wit; nothing can tame you -but a Husband.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Peace! I think I hear the Church -Clock.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why you know, as the Fool -thinks——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, your -Handkerchief’s fallen.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Let him set his Foot on it, that -it mayn’t fly in his Face.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay, ay; many a one says well, -that thinks ill.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss; I’ll think of this.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> That’s Rhime, if you take it in -Time.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What! I see you are a -Poet.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Yes; if I had but the Wit to -show it.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, Will you be so kind -as to fill me a Dish of Tea?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, let your Betters be serv’d<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[69]</a></span> -before you; I am just going to fill one -for myself; and, you know, the Parson -always christens his own Child first.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> But I saw you fill one just -now for the Colonel: Well, I find kissing -goes by Favour.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> But pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, What -Lady was that you were talking with in -the Side-Box last <i>Tuesday</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, can you keep a Secret?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Yes, I can.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss; and so can I.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Odds-so! I have cut my Thumb -with this cursed Knife!</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay; that was your -Mother’s Fault, because she only warn’d -you not to cut your Fingers.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, no;’tis only Fools -cut their Fingers; but wise Folks cut -their Thumbs.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m sorry for it, but I can’t cry.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Don’t you think Miss is grown?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay; ill Weeds grow -apace.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>A Puff of Smoke comes down the -Chimney.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Lord, Madam, Does your -Ladyship’s Chimney smoke?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[70]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> No, Madam; but they say, Smoke -always pursues the Fair, and your Ladyship -sat nearest.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Madam, Do you love -Bohea Tea?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, Madam, I must -confess I do love it; but it does not -love me.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Indeed, Madam, -your Ladyship is very sparing of -your Tea: I protest, the last I took, was -no more than Water bewitch’d.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, Miss, if I may be so bold, -What Lover gave you that fine Etuy?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Don’t you know? then keep -Counsel.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I’ll tell you, Colonel, who -gave it her; it was the best Lover she -will ever have while she lives; her own -dear Papa.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Methinks, Miss, I don’t much -like the Colour of that Ribbon.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why then, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, do you -see, if you don’t much like it, you may -look off of it.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> I don’t doubt, Madam, -but your Ladyship has heard, that Sir -<i>John Brisk</i> has got an Employment at -Court.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[71]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Yes, yes; and I warrant, -he thinks himself no small Fool -now.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Yet, Madam, I have heard -some People take him for a wise Man.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay, ay; some are wise, -and some are other-wise.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Do you know him, Mr. -<i>Neverout</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Know him! ay, as well as -the Beggar knows his Dish.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well; I can only say, that he -has better Luck than honester Folks: -But pray, How came he to get this -Employment?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, by Chance, as the -Man kill’d the Devil.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, you are in a -brown Study; What’s the Matter? Methinks -you look like Mum-Chance, that -was hang’d for saying nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’d have you to know, I scorn -your Words.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; but scornful Dogs -will eat dirty Puddings.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; my Comfort is, your -Tongue is no Slander. What! you -would not have one be always on the -high Grin.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[72]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Cry, Map-sticks, Madam; -no Offence, I hope.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>Lady</i> Smart <i>breaks a Tea-cup</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Lord, Madam, How came -you to break your Cup?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I can’t help it, if I would -cry my Eyes out.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, sell it, Madam, and buy a -new one with some of the Money.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> ’Tis a Folly to cry for spilt -Milk.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, if Things did not -break or wear out, how would Tradesmen -live?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; I am very sick, if any -body car’d for it.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, then, Miss, e’en make -a Die of it, and then we shall have a -Burying of our own.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> The Devil take you, <i>Neverout</i>, -besides all small Curses.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Marry, come up, What, -plain <i>Neverout</i>! methinks you might -have an M under your Girdle, Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, well, naught’s never -in Danger; I warrant, Miss will spit in -her Hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do -you like this Bisket?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[73]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I’m like all Fools; I love every -Thing that’s good.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, and isn’t it pure -good?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> ’Tis better than a worse.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>Footman brings the Colonel a -Letter.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I suppose, Colonel, that’s -a Billet-doux from your Mistress.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Egad, I don’t know whence it -comes; but whoe’er writ it, writes a -Hand like a Foot.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, you may make a Secret -of it, but we can spell, and put together.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, What spells B double -Uzzard?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Buzzard in your Teeth, Mr. -<i>Neverout</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Now you are up, Mr. -<i>Neverout</i>, Will you do me the Favour, -to do me the Kindness, to take off the -Tea-kettle?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> I wonder what makes -these Bells ring.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, my Lord, I suppose, -because they pull the Ropes.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Here all laugh.</i></p> - -<p class="direction">[——Neverout <i>plays with a Tea-cup</i>.——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[74]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Now a Child would have cry’d -half an Hour before it would have found -out such a pretty Plaything.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well said, Miss: I vow, -Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, the Girl is too hard for -you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay, Miss will say any Thing -but her Prayers, and those she whistles.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Colonel, make me a Present -of that pretty Penknife?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Ay, Miss, catch him at -that, and hang him.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Not for the World, dear Miss; it -will cut Love.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Colonel, you shall be -married first, I was just going to say -that.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, but for all that, I -can tell who is a great Admirer of Miss: -Pray, Miss, how do you like Mr. <i>Spruce</i>? -I swear I have often seen him cast a -Sheep’s Eye out of a Calf’s Head at -you: Deny it if you can.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh! Madam; all the World -knows, that Mr. <i>Spruce</i> is a general -Lover.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Come, Miss, ’tis too true to make -a Jest on.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>Miss blushes.</i>——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[75]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, however, Blushing -is some Sign of Grace.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss says nothing; but I -warrant she pays it off with Thinking.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, -you are pleas’d to divert yourselves; but, -as I hope to be sav’d, there’s nothing -in it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Touch a gall’d Horse, -and he’ll wince: Love will creep where -it dare not go: I’d hold a hundred -Pound Mr. <i>Neverout</i> was the Inventor of -that Story; and, Colonel, I doubt you -had a Finger in the Pye.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> But, Colonel, you forgot -to salute Miss when you came in; she -said you had not been here a long -time.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Fie, Madam! I vow, Colonel, I -said no such thing; I wonder at your -Ladyship!</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, I beg your Pardon——</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Goes to salute her, she struggles a -little.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, I had rather give a Knave -a Kiss, for once, than be troubled with -him; but, upon my Word, you are more -bold than welcome.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[76]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Fie, fie, Miss! for Shame -of the World, and Speech of good People.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>to</i> Miss, <i>who is cooking her -Tea and Bread and Butter</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, come, Miss, make -much of naught; good Folks are scarce.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! and You must come in -with your Two Eggs a Penny, and Three -of them rotten.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Ld. Sparkish.</i>] But, my Lord, -I forgot to ask you, How you like my -new Cloaths?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, very well, Colonel; -only, to deal plainly with you, methinks -the worst Piece is in the Middle.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>Here a loud Laugh, often repeated.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> My Lord, you are too severe on -your Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I’m hot; are you -a Sot?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I’m cold; are you a -Scold? Take you that.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I confess, that was home. -I find, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you won’t give your -Head for the washing, as they say.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh! he’s a sore Man, where the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[77]</a></span> -Skin’s off. I see, Mr. <i>Neverout</i> has a -Mind to sharpen the Edge of his Wit, -on the Whetstone of my Ignorance.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Faith, <i>Tom</i>, you are -struck! I never heard a better Thing.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, give me Leave -to scratch you for that fine Speech.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pox on your Picture; it cost me -a Groat the drawing.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] ’Sbuds, -Madam, I have burnt my Hand with -your plaguy Tea-kettle.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, then, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, -you must say, God save the King.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Did you ever see the like?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Never, but once, at a Wedding.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, Miss, how old are you?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, I’m as old as my Tongue, -and a little older than my Teeth.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> [<i>to Lady Ans.</i>] Pray, -Madam, is Miss <i>Buxom</i> married? I hear, -’tis all over the Town.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> My Lord, she’s either -married, or worse.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> If she ben’t marry’d, at least she’s -lustily promis’d. But, is it certain, that -Sir <i>John Blunderbuss</i> is dead at last?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Yes; or else he’s sadly -wrong’d, for they have bury’d him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[78]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, if he be dead, he’ll eat no -more Bread.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> But, is he really dead?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Yes, Colonel; as sure as -you’re alive——</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> They say, he was an honest Man.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Yes, with good looking to.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>feels a Pimple on her Face</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord! I think my Goodness is -coming out. Madam, will your Ladyship -please to send me a Patch?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, if you are a Maid, put -your Hand upon your Spot.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> ——There——</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Covering her Face with both her -Hands.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, thou art a mad -Girl.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Gives her a Tap.</i></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord, Madam; is that a Blow -to give a Child?</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>Lady</i> Smart <i>lets fall her Handkerchief, -and the Colonel stoops for -it</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Colonel, you shall have a -better Office.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! Madam, I can’t have a -better, than to serve your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[79]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Lady Sparkish.</i>] Madam, has -your Ladyship read the new Play, written -by a Lord? it is call’d, <i>Love in a Hollow -Tree</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Sparkish.</i> No, Colonel.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, then your Ladyship has one -Pleasure to come.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>sighs</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, why do you -sigh?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> To make a Fool ask, and you -are the first.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, I find there is -nothing but a Bit and a Blow with you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, you must know, -Miss is in Love.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I wish, my Head may never -ake till that Day.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Come, Miss, never sigh, -but send for him.</p> - -<p>——<i>Lady Smart and Lady Answerall -speaking together.</i>] If he be hang’d, -he’ll come hopping; and if he be drown’d, -he’ll come dropping.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, I swear, you’d make one -die with laughing.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>plays with a Tea-cup, and</i> -Neverout <i>plays with another</i>.——</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[80]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; I see, one Fool makes -many.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> And you’re the greatest Fool of -any.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, will you be so -kind to tie this String for me with your -fair Hands? it will go all in your Day’s -Work.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Marry, come up, indeed; tie it -yourself, you have as many Hands as I; -your Man’s Man will have a fine Office -truly: Come, pray, stand out of my -spitting Place.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; but, Miss, don’t be -angry.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No; I was never angry in my -Life but once, and then nobody car’d for -it; so I resolv’d never to be angry again.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; but if you’ll tie it, -you shall never know what I’ll do for -you.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> So I suppose, truly.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; but I’ll make you a -fine Present one of these Days.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay; when the Devil’s blind; -and his Eyes are not sore yet.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Miss; I’ll send it you -To-morrow.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, well: To-morrow’s a new<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[81]</a></span> -Day; but I suppose, you mean, Tomorrow-come-never.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! ’tis the prettiest Thing: -I assure you, there came but Two of -them over in Three Ships.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Would I could see it, quoth -blind <i>Hugh</i>. But why did you not bring -me a Present of Snuff this Morning?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Because, Miss, you never -ask’d me; and ’tis an ill Dog that’s not -worth whistling for.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Pray, -Madam, how came your Ladyship last -<i>Thursday</i> to go to that odious Puppet-show?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, to be sure, her Ladyship -went to see, and to be seen.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> You have made a fine -Speech, Colonel: Pray, what will you -take for your Mouth-piece?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Take that, Colonel: But, -pray, Madam, was my Lady <i>Snuff</i> there? -They say, she is extremely handsome.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> They must not see with -my Eyes, that think so.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> She may pass Muster well -enough.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Pray, how old do you -take her to be?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[82]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, about Five or Six and -Twenty.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I swear, she’s no Chicken; she’s -on the wrong Side of Thirty, if she be a -Day.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Depend upon it, she’ll -never see Five and Thirty, and a Bit to -spare.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, they say, she’s one of the -chief Toasts in Town.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay, when all the rest are -out of it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; I wou’dn’t be as sick as -she’s proud, for all the World.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> She looks, as if Butter -wou’dn’t melt in her Mouth; but I warrant, -Cheese won’t choak her. I hear, -my Lord What-d’ye-call-him is courting -her.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> What Lord d’ye mean, -<i>Tom</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, my Lord, I suppose, Mr. -<i>Neverout</i> means the Lord of the Lord -knows what.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> They say, she dances very fine.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> She did; but, I doubt, -her Dancing Days are over.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I can’t pardon her, for her Rudeness -to me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[83]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well; but you must -forget and forgive.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Footman <i>comes in</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Did you call <i>Betty</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> She’s coming, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Coming! ay, so is <i>Christmas</i>.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Betty <i>comes in</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Come, get ready my -Things. Where has the Wench been -these Three Hours?</p> - -<p><i>Betty.</i> Madam, I can’t go faster than -my Legs will carry me.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay, thou hast a Head, -and so has a Pin. But, my Lord, all the -Town has it, that Miss <i>Caper</i> is to be -married to Sir <i>Peter Giball</i>; one thing -is certain, that she hath promis’d to have -him.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, Madam, you know -Promises are either broken or kept.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I beg your Pardon, my -Lord; Promises and Pye-crust are made -to be broken.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Nay, I had it from my -Lady <i>Carry-lye</i>’s own Mouth. I tell you -my Tale, and my Tale’s Author; if it be -a Lye, you had it as cheap as I.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[84]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> She and I had some -Words last <i>Sunday</i> at Church; but, I -think, I gave her her own.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Her Tongue runs like -the Clapper of a Mill; she talks enough -for herself and all the Company.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> And yet she simpers like a -Firmity-Kettle.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>looking in a Glass</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord, how my Head is drest -To-day!</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh, Madam! a good Face needs -no Band.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No; and a bad one deserves -none.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, Miss, where is your old -Acquaintance, Mrs. <i>Wayward</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, where should she be? -You must needs know; she’s in her -Skin.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I can answer that: What if you -were as far out as she’s in?——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, I promis’d to go this Evening -to <i>Hyde-Park</i> on the Water; but, I -protest, I’m half afraid.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Never fear, Miss; you have -the old Proverb on your Side, Naught’s -ne’er in Danger.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[85]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, Miss, let <i>Tom Neverout</i> -wait on you; and then, I warrant, you’ll -be as safe as a Thief in a Mill; for you -know, he that’s born to be hang’d, will -never be drowned.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Thank you, Colonel, for -your good Word; but, faith, if ever I -hang, it shall be about a fair Lady’s -Neck.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Who’s there? Bid the -Children be quiet, and not laugh so loud.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Oh, Madam! let’ em -laugh; they’ll ne’er laugh younger.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I’ll tell you a Secret, -if you’ll promise never to tell it again.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, to be sure; I’ll tell it to -nobody but Friends and Strangers.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, then, there’s some -Dirt in my Tea-cup.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Come, come; the more there’s -in’t, the more there’s on’t.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Poh! you must eat a -Peck of Dirt before you die.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ay, ay; it goes all one way.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, What’s a Clock?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, you must know, ’tis a -Thing like a Bell; and you are a Fool -that can’t tell.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Pray,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[86]</a></span> -Madam, do you tell me; for I have let -my Watch run down.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, ’tis half an Hour -past Hanging-time.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well; I am like the Butcher, that -was looking for his Knife, and had it in -his Mouth: I have been searching my -Pockets for my Snuff-box, and, egad, -here ’tis in my Hand.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> If it had been a Bear, it would -have bit you, Colonel: Well, I wish, I -had such a Snuff-box.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> You’ll be long enough before -you wish your Skin full of Eyelet-Holes.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Wish in one Hand,——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Out upon you: Lord, what can -the Man mean?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> This Tea’s very hot.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, it came from a hot -Place, my Lord.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Colonel <i>spills his Tea</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> That’s as well done as if -I had done it myself.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Madam, I find, you live by ill -Neighbours; when you are forc’d to -praise yourself.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> So they pray’d me to tell -you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[87]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, I won’t drink a Drop -more; if I do, ’twill go down like chopt -Hay.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, don’t say No, till you are -ask’d.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, what you please, and -the rest again.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>stooping for a Pin</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I have heard ’em say, that a -Pin a Day is a Groat a Year. Well, as -I hope to be married, forgive me for -swearing; I vow, ’tis a Needle.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! the wonderful Works of -Nature: That a black Hen should have -a white Egg!</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What! you have found a -Mare’s Nest; and laugh at the Eggs.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, keep your Breath to cool -your Porridge.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, there was a very pleasant -Accident last Night in St. <i>James</i>’s -Park.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] What was it -your Ladyship was going to say just now?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss; tell a Mare a -Tale——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I find, you love to hear yourself -talk.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[88]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, if you won’t hear my -Tale, kiss my, <i>&c.</i></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Out upon you, for a filthy -Creeter!</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What, Miss! must I tell -you a Story, and find you Ears?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Pray, -Madam, don’t you think Mrs. <i>Spendal</i> -very genteel?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, my Lord, I think -she was cut out for a Gentlewoman, but -she was spoil’d in the Making: She -wears her Cloaths, as if they were thrown -on her with a Pitch-Fork; and, for the -Fashion, I believe they were made in -the Reign of Queen <i>Bess</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, that’s neither here nor -there; for you know, the more careless, -the more modish.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, I’d hold a Wager, there will -be a Match between her and <i>Dick Dolt</i>; -and I believe, I can see as far into a -Millstone as another Man.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Colonel, I must beg your Pardon -a Thousand Times; but they say, -An old Ape has an old Eye.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, what do you mean! -you’ll spoil the Colonel’s Marriage, if -you call him old.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[89]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Not so old, nor yet so cold. You -know the rest, Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Manners is a fine Thing, truly.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Faith, Miss, depend upon it, I’ll -give you as good as you bring: What! -if you give a Jest, you must take a -Jest.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you’ll -ne’er have done till you break that Knife; -and then the Man won’t take it again.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, Madam, Fools will be -medling; I wish, he may cut his Fingers; -I hope, you can see your own -Blood without fainting.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, you shine this -Morning like a —— Barn-door; you’ll -never hold out at this Rate; pray, save -a little Wit for To-morrow.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, you have said your Say; -if People will be rude, I have done; my -Comfort is, ’twill be all one a thousand -Year hence.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, you have shot your -Bolt: I find, you must have the last -Word.—Well, I’ll go to the Opera To-night.—No, -I can’t neither, for I have -some Business—and yet I think I must, -for I promis’d to squire the Countess -to her Box.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[90]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> The Countess of <i>Puddledock</i>, I -suppose.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Peace, or War, Miss?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you’ll -never be mad, you are of so many Minds.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>As</i> Miss <i>rises, the Chair falls -behind her</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; I shan’t be Lady-Mayoress -this Year.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Miss; ’tis worse than -that; you won’t be marry’d this Year.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord! you make me laugh, -tho’ I a’n’t well.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Neverout, <i>as</i> Miss <i>is standing, pulls -her suddenly on his Lap</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Now, Colonel, come, sit down -on my Lap; more Sacks upon the Mill.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Let me go; ar’n’t you sorry for -my Heaviness?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Miss; you are very -light; but I don’t say, you are a light -Hussy. Pray, take up the Chair for -your Pains.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> ’Tis but one body’s Labour, you -may do it yourself: I wish, you would -be quiet, you have more Tricks than a -Dancing Bear.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[91]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[——Neverout <i>rises to take up the Chair, -and</i> Miss <i>sits in his</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> You wou’dn’t be so soon in -my Grave, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord! I have torn my Petticoat -with your odious Romping; my Rents -are coming in; I’m afraid, I shall fall -into the Ragman’s Hands.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I’ll mend it, Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> You mend it! go, teach your -Grannam to suck Eggs.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, you are so cross, -I could find in my Heart to hate you.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> With all my Heart; there will -be no Love lost between us.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> But, pray, my Lady <i>Smart</i>, -does not Miss look as if she could eat -me without Salt?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’ll make you one Day sup Sorrow -for this.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, follow your own Way, -you’ll live the longer.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> See, Madam, how well I have -mended it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> ’Tis indifferent, as <i>Doll</i> -danc’d.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> ’Twill last as many Nights -as Days.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[92]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, I knew, I should never -have your good Word.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord, my Lady -<i>Answerall</i> and I was walking in the -Park last Night till near Eleven; ’twas -a very fine Night.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Egad so was I; and I’ll tell -you a comical Accident; egad, I lost -my Under-standing.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m glad you had any to lose.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, but what do you -mean?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Egad, I kick’d my Foot -against a Stone, and tore off the Heel of -my Shoe, and was forc’d to limp to a -Cobler in the <i>Pall Mall</i>, to have it put -on. He, he, he.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>All laugh.</i></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! ’twas a delicate Night to -run away with another Man’s Wife.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Neverout <i>sneezes</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> God bless you, if you ha’n’t -taken Snuff.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, what if I have, Miss?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, then, the Duce take you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I want that Diamond-Ring -of yours.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, then, Want’s like to be -your Master.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[93]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[——Neverout <i>looking at the Ring</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay, marry, this is not only -but also; where did you get it?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, where ’twas to be had; -where the Devil got the Friar.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; if I had such a fine -Diamond-Ring, I woudn’t stay a Day -in <i>England</i>: But you know, far-fetch’d -and dear-bought is fit for Ladies. I -warrant, this cost your Father Twopence -half-penny.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>sitting between</i> Neverout -<i>and the</i> Colonel.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; here’s a Rose between -Two Nettles.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Madam; with Submission, -here’s a Nettle between Two Roses.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Colonel <i>stretching himself</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, Colonel, you break -the King’s Laws; you stretch without a -Halter.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Colonel, some Ladies of -your Acquaintance have promis’d to -breakfast with you, and I am to wait on -them; what will you give us?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, faith, Madam, Batchelors -Fare; Bread and Cheese, and Kisses.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[94]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Poh! what have you -Batchelors to do with your Money, but -to treat the Ladies? you have nothing -to keep but your own Four Quarters.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord, has Captain -<i>Brag</i> the Honour to be related to your -Lordship?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Very nearly, Madam; -he’s my Cousin-German quite remov’d.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Pray, is he not rich?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Ay, a rich Rogue, Two -Shirts and a Rag.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, however, they say, he has a -great Estate, but only the Right Owner -keeps him out of it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What Religion is he of?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, he is an <i>Anythingarian</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I believe, he has his Religion -to chuse, my Lord.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Neverout <i>scratches his Neck</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Fie, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, ar’n’t you -asham’d! I beg Pardon for the Expression, -but I’m afraid, your Bosom-friends -are become your Back-biters.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss, I saw a Flea -once on your Pinner, and a L—— is a -Man’s Companion, but a Flea is a Dog’s<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[95]</a></span> -Companion: However, I wish, you would -scratch my Neck with your pretty white -Hand.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> And who would be Fool then? -I wou’dn’t touch a Man’s Flesh for the -Universe: You have the wrong Sow by -the Ear, I assure you! that’s Meat for -your Master.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss <i>Notable</i>, all Quarrels -laid aside, pray, step hither for a Moment.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’ll wash my Hands, and wait -on you, Sir; but, pray, come hither, and -try to open this Lock.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> We’ll try what we can do.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> We:——What, have you Pigs -in your Belly?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I assure you, I am -very handy at all Things.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Marry, hang them that can’t -give themselves a good Word: I believe, -you may have an even Hand to throw a -L—— in the Fire.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, I must be plain; here’s a -very bad Smell.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Perhaps, Colonel, the Fox is the -Finder.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Colonel; ’tis only your -Teeth against Rain: But<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[96]</a></span>——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Colonel, I find, you would make -a very bad poor Man’s Sow.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Colonel <i>coughing</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I have got a sad Cold.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay; ’tis well if one can -get any thing these hard Times.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>to Col.</i>] Choak, Chicken; there’s -more a hatching.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Pray, Colonel, how did -you get that Cold?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, Madam, I suppose, -the Colonel got it, by lying a Bed barefoot.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, then, Colonel, you -must take it for better for worse, as a -Man takes his Wife.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, Ladies, I apprehend you -without a Constable.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>! Mr. <i>Neverout</i>! -come hither this Moment!</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> [<i>imitating her.</i>] Mr. -<i>Neverout</i>, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>! I wish, he were -tied to your Girdle.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What’s the Matter! whose -Mare’s dead now?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Take your Labour for your -Pains; you may go back again, like a -Fool, as you came.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[97]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss; if you deceive -me a second time, ’tis my Fault.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Colonel, methinks your -Coat is too short.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> It will be long enough before I -get another, Madam.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Come, come; the Coat’s a good -Coat, and come of good Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ladies, you are mistaken in -the Stuff; ’tis half Silk.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> <i>Tom Neverout</i>, you are a Fool, -and that’s your Fault.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>A great Noise below.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Hey! what a Clattering -is here; one would think, Hell was broke -loose.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, Madam, I must take -my Leave, for I a’n’t well.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What! you are sick of -the Mulligrubs, with eating chopt Hay.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, indeed, Madam; I’m sick -and hungry, more need of a Cook than a -Doctor.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Poor Miss, she’s sick as a -Cushion, she wants nothing but stuffing.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> If you are sick, you shall have a -Caudle of Calf’s Eggs.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I can’t find my Gloves.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[98]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I saw the Dog running away -with some dirty thing awhile ago.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, you have got my Handkerchief; -pray, let me have it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, keep it, Miss; for -they say, Possession is Eleven Points of -the Law.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Madam, he shall ne’er have it -again; ’tis in Hucksters Hands.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> What! I see ’tis Raining -again.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, then, Madam, we -must do, as they do in <i>Spain</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, my Lord, how is that?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, Madam, we must -let it rain.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>whispers Lady</i> Smart.——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> There’s no Whispering, but -there’s Lying.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord! Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you are as -pert as a Pearmonger this Morning.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Indeed, Miss, you are very -handsome.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Poh! I know that already; tell -me News.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>Somebody knocks at the Door.</i>—— -Footman <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> [<i>to Col.</i>] An please your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[99]</a></span> -Honour, there’s a Man below wants to -speak to you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ladies, your Pardon for a Minute.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Col. <i>goes out</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, I sent yesterday to -know how you did, but you were gone -abroad early.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, indeed, Madam, I was -hunch’d up in a Hackney-Coach with -Three Country Acquaintance, who call’d -upon me to take the Air as far as <i>Highgate</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> And had you a pleasant -Airing?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, Madam; it rain’d all the -Time; I was jolted to Death, and the -Road was so bad, that I scream’d every -Moment, and call’d to the Coachman, -Pray, Friend, don’t spill us.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> So, Miss, you were afraid, -that Pride wou’d have a Fall.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, when I want a -Fool, I’ll send for you.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Miss, didn’t your Left -Ear burn last Night?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, why, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Because I was then in -some Company where you were extoll’d -to the Skies, I assure you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[100]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> My Lord, that was more their -Goodness, than my Desert.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> They said, that you -were a complete Beauty.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> My Lord, I am as God made -me.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> The Girl’s well enough, -if she had but another Nose.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh! Madam, I know I shall -always have your good Word; you love -to help a lame Dog over the Style.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——<i>One knocks.</i>——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Who’s there? you’re on -the wrong Side of the Door; come in, if -you be fat.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Colonel <i>comes in again</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, Colonel, you are -a Man of great Business.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ay, ay, my Lord, I’m like my -Lord Mayor’s Fool; full of Business, -and nothing to do.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord, don’t you -think the Colonel mightily fall’n away -of late?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Ay; fall’n from a -Horse-load to a Cart-load.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, my Lord, egad I am like a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[101]</a></span> -Rabbit, fat and lean in Four-and-twenty -Hours.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I assure you, the Colonel -walks as strait as a Pin.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Yes; he’s a handsome-body’d -Man in the Face.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> A handsome Foot and Leg: -God-a-mercy Shoe and Stocking!</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> What! Three upon One! that’s -foul Play: This wou’d make a Parson -swear.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, what’s the -Matter? You look as if you had -neither won nor lost.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, you must know, Miss lives -upon Love.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Yes; upon Love and Lumps of -the Cupboard.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay; they say, Love and -Peas-porridge are two dangerous Things; -one breaks the Heart, and the other the -Belly.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>imitating Lady</i> Answerall’<i>s -Tone.</i>] Very pretty! One breaks the -Heart, and the other the Belly.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Have a Care; they say, -mocking is catching.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I never heard that.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, then, Miss, you have<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[102]</a></span> -a Wrinkle——more than ever you had -before.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; live and learn.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay; and be hang’d, and -forget all.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, take it as -you please; but I swear, you are a saucy -Jack, to use such Expressions.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, then, Miss, if you go -to that, I must tell you, there’s ne’er a -Jack but there’s a Jill.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh! Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; every body -knows that you are the Pink of Courtesy.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> And, Miss, all the World -allows, that you are the Flower of -Civility.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, I hear there was -a great deal of Company where you -visited last Night: Pray, who were they?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, there was old Lady <i>Forward</i>, -Miss <i>To-and-again</i>, Sir <i>John Ogle</i>, -my Lady <i>Clapper</i>, and I, quoth the -Dog.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Was your Visit long, Miss?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, truly, they went all to the -Opera; and so poor Pilgarlick came -Home alone.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Alack a day, poor Miss! -methinks it grieves me to pity you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[103]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What, you think, you said a fine -Thing now; well, if I had a Dog with no -more Wit, I would hang him.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Miss, if it be Manners, -may I ask, which is oldest, you or -Lady <i>Scuttle</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, my Lord, when I die for -Age, she may quake for Fear.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> She’s a very great Gadder -abroad.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Lord! she made me -follow her last Week through all the -Shops like a Tantiny Pig.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I remember, you told -me, you had been with her from <i>Dan</i> to -<i>Beersheba</i>.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Colonel <i>spits</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Lord! I shall die; I cannot spit -from me.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh! Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, my little -Countess has just litter’d; speak me fair, -and I’ll set you down for a Puppy.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, if I speak you -fair, perhaps I mayn’t tell Truth.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Ay, but <i>Tom</i>, smoke -that, she calls you Puppy by Craft.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss, you ride the -Fore-horse To-day.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[104]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay, many a one says well, that -thinks ill.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Fie, Miss! you said that -once before; and, you know, Too much -of one Thing is good for nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, sure, we can’t say a good -Thing too often.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well, so much for that, -and Butter for Fish; let us call another -Cause: Pray, Madam, does your Ladyship -know Mrs. <i>Nice</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Perfectly well, my Lord; -she’s nice by Name, and nice by Nature.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Is it possible, she -could take that Booby <i>Tom Blunder</i> for -Love?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> She had good Skill in Horse-flesh, -that could chuse a Goose to ride -on.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, my Lord, ’twas her -Fate; they say, Marriage and Hanging -go by Destiny.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I believe she’ll never be burnt for -a Witch.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> They say, Marriages are -made in Heaven; but I doubt, when she -was married, she had no Friend there.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, she’s got out of God’s -Blessing into the warm Sun.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[105]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> The Fellow’s well enough, if he -had any Guts in his Brains.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> They say, thereby hangs -a Tale.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, he’s a mere Hobbledehoy, -neither a Man nor a Boy.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, if I were to chuse a Husband, -I would never be married to a -little Man.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, why so, Miss? for -they say, of all Evils we ought to chuse -the least.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Because Folks would say, when -they saw us together, There goes the -Woman and her Husband.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Will your Ladyship -be on the <i>Mall</i> To-morrow Night?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, that won’t be proper; -you know, To-morrow’s <i>Sunday</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> What then, Madam! -they say, the better Day, the better -Deed.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, how -do you like Lady <i>Fruzz</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pox on her! she’s as old as -<i>Poles</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> So will you be, if you ben’t -hang’d when you’re young.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, Miss, let us be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[106]</a></span> -Friends: Will you go to the Park this -Evening?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> With all my Heart, and a Piece -of my Liver; but not with you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I’ll tell you one thing, -and that’s not two; I’m afraid I shall -get a Fit of the Headach To-day.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! Madam, don’t be afraid, it -comes with a Fright.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam; one -of your Ladyship’s Lappets is longer than -t’other.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, no Matter; they -that ride on a trotting Horse will ne’er -perceive it.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Indeed, Miss, your Lappets -hang worse.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, I love a Lyar in my Heart, -and you fit me to a Hair.</p> - -<p class="direction">[——Miss <i>rises up</i>.——</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Duce take you, Miss! you -trod on my Foot: I hope you don’t intend -to come to my Bedside.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> In Troth, you are afraid of -your Friends, and none of them near -you.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well said, Girl! [<i>giving -her a Chuck.</i>] Take that; they say, a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[107]</a></span> -Chuck under the Chin is worth Two -Kisses.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> But, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I wonder -why such a handsome, strait, young -Gentleman as you, do not get some rich -Widow.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Strait! Ay, strait as my -Leg, and that’s crooked at Knee.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Madam, if it rain’d rich -Widows, none of them would fall upon -me. Egad, I was born under a Threepenny -Planet, never to be worth a Groat.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> No, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; I believe -you were born with a Cawl on your -Head; you are such a Favourite among -the Ladies: But what think you of -Widow <i>Prim</i>? she’s immensely rich.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Hang her! they say, her -Father was a Baker.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay; but it is not what is -she? but what has she? now-a-days.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> <i>Tom</i>, faith, put on a bold Face -for once, and have at the Widow. I’ll -speak a good Word for you to her.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay; I warrant, you’ll -speak one Word for him, and two for -yourself.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; I had that at my Tongue’s -End.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[108]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, Miss, they say, good -Wits jump.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Madam, I had rather -marry a Woman I lov’d, in her Smock, -than Widow <i>Prim</i>, if she had her Weight -in Gold.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Come, come, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; -Marriage is honourable, but Housekeeping -is a Shrew.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Consider, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, -Four bare Legs in a Bed; and you are -a younger Brother.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, Madam; the younger -Brother is the better Gentleman: However, -<i>Tom</i>, I would advise you to look -before you leap.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> The Colonel says true: -Besides, you can’t expect to wive and -thrive in the same Year.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>shuddering.</i>] Lord! there’s -somebody walking over my Grave.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, Lady <i>Answerall</i>, where was -you last <i>Wednesday</i>, when I did myself -the Honour to wait on you? I think, -your Ladyship is one of the Tribe of -<i>Gad</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, Colonel, I was at -Church.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Nay, then will I be hang’d, and -my Horse too.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[109]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I believe her Ladyship was -at a Church with a Chimney in it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord, my Petticoat! how it -hangs by Jommetry.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Perhaps the Fault may be -in your Shape.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>looking gravely.</i>] Come, Mr. -<i>Neverout</i>, there’s no Jest like the true -Jest; but, I suppose, you think my Back’s -broad enough to bear every Thing.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Madam, I humbly beg your -Pardon.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, Sir, your Pardon’s granted.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, all Things have an -End, and a Pudden has two, up-up-on -my-my-my Word. [<i>stutters.</i>]</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, can’t you -speak without a Spoon?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Has -your Ladyship seen the Duchess since -your falling out?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Never, my Lord, but -once at a Visit; and she look’d at me, as -the Devil look’d over <i>Lincoln</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, take a Pinch of -my Snuff.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! you break my Head, -and give me a Plaister; well, with all my -Heart; once, and not use it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[110]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss; if you wanted -me and your Victuals, you’d want your -Two best Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Neverout.</i>] <i>Tom</i>, Miss and you -must kiss, and be Friends.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>salutes</i> Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Any thing for a quiet Life: my -Nose itch’d, and I knew I should drink -Wine, or kiss a Fool.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, <i>Tom</i>, if that ben’t fair, hang -fair.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I never said a rude Thing to -a Lady in my Life.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Here’s a Pin for that Lye; I’m -sure Lyars had need of good Memories. -Pray, Colonel, was not he very uncivil to -me but just now?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, if Miss will -be angry for nothing, take my Council, -and bid her turn the Buckle of her Girdle -behind her.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, Lady <i>Answerall</i>, I -know better Things; Miss and I are good -Friends; don’t put Tricks upon Travellers.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> <i>Tom</i>, not a Word of the Pudden, -I beg you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ah, Colonel! you’ll never -be good, nor then neither.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[111]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Which of the Goods d’ye -mean? good for something, or good for -nothing?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I have a Blister on my Tongue; -yet, I don’t remember, I told a Lye.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I thought you did just -now.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, Madam, what -did Thought do?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, for my Life, I cannot -conceive what your Lordship means.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Indeed, Madam, I meant -no Harm.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, to be sure, my Lord! -you are as innocent as a Devil of Two -Years old.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Madam, they say, ill Doers -are ill Deemers: but I don’t apply it to -your Ladyship.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>mending a Hole in her Lace</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, you see, I’m mending; I -hope I shall be good in time; look, Lady -<i>Answerall</i>, is not it well mended?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay, this is something -like a Tansy.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Miss, you have mended -it, as a Tinker mends a Kettle; stop one -Hole, and make two.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[112]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Pray, Colonel, are not -you very much tann’d?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Yes, Madam; but a Cup of <i>Christmas</i> -Ale will soon wash it off.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Lady <i>Smart</i>, does not -your Ladyship think, Mrs. <i>Fade</i> is -mightily alter’d since her Marriage?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, my Lord, she was -handsome in her Time; but she cannot -eat her Cake, and have her Cake: I hear -she’s grown a mere Otomy.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Poor Creature! the Black -has set his Foot upon her already.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay! she has quite lost the Blue -on the Plumb.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> And yet, they say, her -Husband is very fond of her still.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Oh! Madam; if she -would eat Gold, he would give it her.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Madam, -have you heard, that Lady <i>Queasy</i> was -lately at the Playhouse <i>incog.</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What! Lady <i>Queasy</i> -of all Women in the World! Do you -say it upon Rep?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Poz, I saw her with my own -Eyes; she sat among the Mob in the -Gallery; her own ugly Fiz: And she saw -me look at her.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[113]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Her Ladyship was plaguily -bamb’d; I warrant, it put her into the -Hipps.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I smoked her huge Nose, -and egad she put me in mind of the -Woodcock, that strives to hide his long -Bill, and then thinks nobody sees him.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> <i>Tom</i>, I advise you hold your -Tongue; for you’ll never say so good a -Thing again.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, what are you looking -for?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh! Madam; I have lost the -finest Needle——</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, seek till you find -it, and then you won’t lose your Labour.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> The Loop of my Hat is -broke; how shall I mend it? [<i>he fastens -it with a Pin.</i>] Well, hang them, say I, -that has no Shift.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay, and hang him, that has one -too many.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! Miss; I have heard a -sad Story of you.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I defy you, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; nobody -can say, Black’s my Eye.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I believe, you wish they -could.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; but who was your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[114]</a></span> -Author? Come, tell Truth, and shame -the Devil.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come then, Miss; guess -who it was that told me; come, put on -your Considering-cap.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, who was it?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, one that lives within -a Mile of an Oak.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, go hang yourself in your -own Garters; for I’m sure, the Gallows -groans for you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pretty Miss! I was but in Jest.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, but don’t let that stick in -your Gizzard.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> My Lord, does your Lordship -know Mrs. <i>Talkall</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Only by Sight; but I hear -she has a great deal of Wit; and egad, -as the Saying is, Mettle to the Back.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> So I hear.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why <i>Dick Lubber</i> said to her -t’other Day, Madam, you can’t cry Bo -to a Goose: Yes, but I can, said she; -and, egad, cry’d Bo full in his Face: We -all thought we should break our Hearts -with laughing.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> That was cutting with -a Vengeance: and pr’ythee how did the -Fool look?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[115]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Look? Egad he look’d for all the -World like an Owl in an Ivy Bush.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>A Child comes in screaming.</i></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, if that Child was mine, -I’d whip it till the Blood came; Peace, -you little Vixen! if I were near you, I -would not be far from you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay, ay; Batchelors -Wives and Maids Children are finely -tutor’d.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Come to me, Master; and -I’ll give you a Sugar-Plumb. Why, Miss, -you forgot that ever you was a Child -yourself. [<i>She gives the Child a Lump -of Sugar.</i>] I have heard ’em say, Boys -will long.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> My Lord, I suppose you know, -that Mr. <i>Buzzard</i> has married again?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> This is his Fourth Wife; -then he has been shod round.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, you must know, she had a -Month’s Mind to <i>Dick Frontless</i>, and -thought to run away with him; but her -Parents forc’d her to take the old Fellow -for a good Settlement.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> So the Man got his -Mare again.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> I’m told he said a very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[116]</a></span> -good thing to <i>Dick</i>; said he, You think -us old Fellows are Fools; but we old -Fellows know young Fellows are Fools.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I know nothing of that; but I -know, he’s devilish old, and she’s very -young.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, they call that a -Match of the World’s making.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What if he had been young, and -she old?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, that would have -been a Match of the Devil’s making; -but when both are young, that’s a Match -of God’s making.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>searching her Pockets for her -Thimble, brings out a Nutmeg</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! Miss, have a Care; for -if you carry a Nutmeg in your Pocket, -you’ll certainly be marry’d to an old -Man.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, and if ever I be marry’d, it -shall be to an old Man; they always -make the best Husbands; and it is -better to be an old Man’s Darling than -a young Man’s Warling.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Miss, if you speak as -you think, I’ll give you my Mother for a -Maid.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[117]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Lady</i> Smart <i>rings the Bell</i>. -Footman <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Harkee, you Fellow; run -to my Lady <i>Match</i>, and desire she will -remember to be here at Six, to play at -Quadrille: D’ye hear, if you fall by the -Way, don’t stay to get up again.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> Madam, I don’t know the -House.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, that’s not for Want -of Ignorance; follow your Nose; go, -enquire among the Servants.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Footman <i>goes out, and leaves the Door open</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Here, come back, you -Fellow; why did you leave the Door -open? Remember, that a good Servant -must always come when he’s call’d, do -what he’s bid, and shut the Door after -him.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>The</i> Footman <i>goes out again, and falls -down Stairs</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Neck or nothing; come -down, or I’ll fetch you down: Well, but -I hope, the poor Fellow has not sav’d -the Hangman a Labour.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Madam, smoke Miss<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[118]</a></span> -yonder biting her Lips, and playing with -her Fan.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Who’s that takes my Name in -vain?</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>She runs up to them, and falls down.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What, more falling! do -you intend the Frolick should go round?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, Miss, I wish you -may not have broke her Ladyship’s -Floor.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, come to me, and I’ll -take you up.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Sparkish.</i> Well, but without a -Jest, I hope, Miss, you are not hurt.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Nay, she must be hurt for certain; -for you see, her Head is all of a -Lump.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, remember this, Colonel, -when I have Money, and you have -none.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> But, Colonel, when do -you design to get a House, and a Wife, -and a Fire to put her in?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord! who would be marry’d to -a Soldier, and carry his Knapsack?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! Madam: <i>Mars</i> and -<i>Venus</i>, you know.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Egad, Madam, I’d marry To-morrow,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[119]</a></span> -if I thought I could bury my -Wife just when the Honey-Moon is -over; but they say, A Woman has as -many Lives as a Cat.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I find, the Colonel thinks, -a dead Wife under the Table is the best -Goods in a Man’s House.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> O but, Colonel, if you -had a good Wife, it would break your -Heart to part with her.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Yes, Madam; for they say, he -that has lost his Wife and Sixpence, has -lost a Tester.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> But, Colonel, they say, -that every marry’d Man should believe -there’s but one good Wife in the World, -and that’s his own.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> For all that, I doubt, a good Wife -must be bespoke, for there is none ready -made.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I suppose, the Gentleman’s a -Woman-Hater; but, Sir, I think, you -ought to remember, that you had a -Mother: And pray, if it had not been -for a Woman, where would you have -been, Colonel?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Nay, Miss, you cry’d W——e first, -when you talk’d of the Knapsack.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> But I hope you won’t<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[120]</a></span> -blame the whole Sex, because some are -bad.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> And they say, he that hates -Woman, suck’d a Sow.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! Madam; there’s no general -Rule without an Exception.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Then, why don’t you -marry, and settle?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Egad, Madam, there’s nothing -will settle me but a Bullet.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well, Colonel, there’s -one Comfort, that you need not fear a -Cannon-Bullet.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why so, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Because they say, he -was curs’d in his Mother’s Belly, that -was kill’d by a Cannon-Bullet.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I suppose, the Colonel was -cross’d in his first Love, which makes -him so severe on all the Sex.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Yes; and I’ll hold a -hundred to one, that the Colonel has -been over Head and Ears in Love with -some Lady, that has made his Heart -ake.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Oh! Madam, We Soldiers are -Admirers of all the fair Sex.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I wish, I could see the Colonel -in Love, till he was ready to die.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[121]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay; but I doubt, few -People die for Love in these days.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, I confess, I differ from -the Colonel; for I hope to have a rich -and a handsome Wife yet before I die.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ay, <i>Tom</i>; live Horse, and thou -shalt have Grass.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, Colonel; but whatever -you say against Women, they are better -Creatures than Men; for Men were -made of Clay, but Woman was made of -Man.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, you may say what you -please; but, faith, you’ll never lead Apes -in Hell.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, no; I’ll be sworn Miss -has not an Inch of Nun’s Flesh about -her.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I understumble you, Gentlemen.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Madam, your humble-cum-dumble.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, Miss, when did -you see your old Acquaintance Mrs. -<i>Cloudy</i>? You and She are Two, I hear.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> See her! marry, I don’t care -whether I ever see her again, God bless -my Eye-sight.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Lord! why she and you -were as great as two Inkle-weavers. I’ve<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[122]</a></span> -seen her hug you, as the Devil hug’d the -Witch.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> That’s true; but I’m told for certain, -she’s no better than she should be.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, God mend us all; -but you must allow, the World is very -censorious: I never heard that she was -a naughty Pack.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Neverout.</i>] Come, Sir <i>Thomas</i>, -when the King pleases; when do you -intend to march?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Have Patience. <i>Tom</i>, is -your Friend <i>Ned Rattle</i> marry’d?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Yes, faith, my Lord; he has -tied a Knot with his Tongue, that he -can never untie with his Teeth.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay; marry in Haste, -and repent at Leisure.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Has he got a good Fortune -with his Lady? for they say, Something -has some Savour, but Nothing has -no Flavour.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Madam, all he gets -by her, he may put into his Eye, and -see never the worse.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Then, I believe, he heartily -wishes her in <i>Abraham</i>’s Bosom.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, my Lord, how does <i>Charles -Limber</i> and his fine Wife agree?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[123]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, they say, he’s the -greatest Cuckold in Town.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! but my Lord, you -should always except my Lord-Mayor.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>!</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Hay, Madam, did you call -me?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Hay; why, Hay is for Horses.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, then you may -kiss——</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, my Lord, what’s a Clock -by your Oracle?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Faith, I can’t tell, I -think my Watch runs upon Wheels.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, pray be so kind to -call a Servant to bring me a Glass of -Small Beer: I know you are at Home -here.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Every Fool can do as they’re -bid: Make a Page of your own Age, and -do it yourself.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Chuse, proud Fool; I did -but ask you.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>puts her Hand to her Knee</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What! Miss, are you thinking -of your Sweet-Heart? is your Garter -slipping down?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, keep your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[124]</a></span> -Breath to cool your Porridge; you measure -my Corn by your Bushel.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Indeed, Miss, you lye.——</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Did you ever hear any thing so -rude?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I mean, you lye——under -a Mistake.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> If a thousand Lyes could choak -you, you would have been choaked many -a Day ago.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>tries to snatch</i> Neverout’<i>s -Snuff-box</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Madam, you miss’d that, as -you miss’d your Mother’s Blessing.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>She tries again, and misses.</i></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Snap short makes you look -so lean, Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Poh! you are so robustious, you -had like to put out my Eye: I assure -you, if you blind me, you must lead me.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Dear Miss, be quiet; -and bring me a Pin-cushion out of that -Closet.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>opens the Closet Door, and squalls</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Lord bless the Girl! -what’s the Matter now?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[125]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I vow, Madam, I saw something -in black, I thought it was a Spirit.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, Miss, did you ever see a -Spirit?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, Sir; I thank God, I never -saw any thing worse than myself.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, I did a very foolish -thing yesterday, and was a great Puppy -for my Pains.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Very likely; for, they say, many -a true Word’s spoke in Jest.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Footman <i>returns</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, did you deliver -your Message? You are fit to be sent -for Sorrow, you stay so long by the -Way.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> Madam, my Lady was not -at Home, so I did not leave the Message.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> This is it to send a Fool -of an Errand.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> [<i>looking at his Watch.</i>] -’Tis past Twelve a Clock.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, what is that among -all us?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Madam, I must take my -Leave: Come, Gentlemen, are you for a -March?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, but your Lordship<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[126]</a></span> -and the Colonel will dine with us To-day; -and, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I hope, we shall have -your good Company: There will be no -Soul else, besides my own Lord and these -Ladies; for every body knows, I hate a -Croud; I would rather want Vittles than -Elbow-Room: We dine punctually at -Three.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Madam, we’ll be sure to -attend your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Madam, my Stomach serves me -instead of a Clock.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Another</i> Footman <i>comes back</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Oh! you are the t’other -Fellow I sent: Well, have you been with -my Lady <i>Club</i>? You are good to send -of a dead Man’s Errand.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> Madam, my Lady <i>Club</i> begs -your Ladyship’s Pardon; but she is engaged -To-night.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, here’s the -Back of my Hand to you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I find, you will have -the last Word. Ladies, I am more yours -than my own.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[127]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="DIALOGUE_II">POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.<br /> -<span class="smaller">DIALOGUE II.</span></h2> - -<p class="center"><i>Lord</i> Smart <i>and the former Company at -Three a Clock coming to dine</i>.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>After Salutations.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lord Smart.</i> I’m sorry I was not at -Home this Morning when you all did us -the Honour to call here: But I went to -the Levee To-day.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Oh! my Lord; I’m sure -the Loss was ours.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Gentlemen and Ladies, -you are come to a sad dirty House; I -am sorry for it, but we have had our -Hands in Mortar.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Oh! Madam; your -Ladyship is pleas’d to say so, but I never -saw any thing so clean and so fine; I -profess, it is a perfect Paradise.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[128]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord, your Lordship -is always very obliging.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, Madam, whose -Picture is that?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, my Lord, it was -drawn for me.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> I’ll swear, the Painter -did not flatter your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> My Lord, the Day is finely clear’d -up.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Ay, Colonel; ’tis a pity -that fair Weather should ever do any -Harm. [<i>To Neverout.</i>] Why, <i>Tom</i>, you -are high in the Mode.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, it is better be -out of the World, than out of the -Fashion.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> But, <i>Tom</i>, I hear, You and -Miss are always quarrelling; I fear, it is -your Fault; for I can assure you, she is -very good-humour’d.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay, my Lord; so is the -Devil when he’s pleas’d.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Miss, what do you think of -my Friend <i>Tom</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> My Lord, I think, he’s not the -wisest Man in the World; and truly, he’s -sometimes very rude.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> That may be true; but,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[129]</a></span> -yet, he that hangs <i>Tom</i> for a Fool, may -find a Knave in the Halter.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, however, I wish he were -hang’d, if it were only to try.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss, if I must be -hang’d, I won’t go far to chuse my -Gallows; it shall be about your fair Neck.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’ll see your Nose Cheese first, -and the Dogs eating it: But, my Lord, -Mr. <i>Neverout</i>’s Wit begins to run low, for -I vow, he said this before: Pray, Colonel, -give him a Pinch, and I’ll do as much for -you.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> My Lady <i>Smart</i>, your -Ladyship has a very fine Scarf.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Yes, my Lord; it will -make a flaming Figure in a Country -Church.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Footman <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> Madam, Dinner’s upon the -Table.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Faith, I’m glad of it; my Belly -began to cry Cupboard.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I wish I may never hear -worse News.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you are in -great Haste; I believe, your Belly thinks -your Throat’s cut.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[130]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, faith, Miss; Three -Meals a Day, and a good Supper at -Night, will serve my Turn.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> To say the Truth, I’m hungry.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> And I’m angry, so let us -both go fight.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>They go in to Dinner, and after the usual -Compliments, take their Seats.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ladies and Gentlemen, -will you eat any Oysters before Dinner?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> With all my Heart. [<i>Takes an -Oyster.</i>] He was a bold Man, that first -eat an Oyster.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> They say, Oysters are a -cruel Meat, because we eat them alive: -Then they are an uncharitable Meat, for -we leave nothing to the Poor; and they -are an ungodly Meat, because we never -say Grace.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, that’s as well said, as -if I had said it myself.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, we are well set, if -we be but as well serv’d: Come, Colonel, -handle your Arms; shall I help you to -some Beef?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> If your Ladyship please; and, -pray, don’t cut like a Mother-in-Law, -but send me a large Slice; for I love to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[131]</a></span> -lay a good Foundation. I vow, ’tis a -noble Sirloyn.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay; here’s cut, and come -again.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> But, pray, why is it call’d a Sirloyn?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, you must know, -that our King <i>James</i> the First, who lov’d -good Eating, being invited to Dinner by -one of his Nobles, and seeing a large -Loyn of Beef at his Table, he drew out -his Sword, and in a Frolic knighted -it. Few People know the Secret of -this.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Beef is Man’s Meat, my -Lord.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> But, my Lord, I say, Beef -is the King of Meat.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, what have I done, that I -must not have a Plate?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] What -will your Ladyship please to eat?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Pray, Madam, help yourself.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> They say, Eating and Scratching -wants but a Beginning: If you will give -me Leave, I’ll help myself to a Slice of -this Shoulder of Veal.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Colonel, you can’t do a<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[132]</a></span> -kinder thing: Well, you are all heartily -welcome, as I may say.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> They say, there are Thirty-and-two -good Bits in a Shoulder of Veal.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay, Colonel; Thirty bad -Bits, and Two good ones: you see, I -understand you; but I hope, you have -got one of the two good ones.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Colonel, I’ll be of your -Mess.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Then, pray, <i>Tom</i>, carve for yourself: -They say, Two Hands in a Dish, -and One in a Purse: Hah, said I well, -<i>Tom</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Colonel, you spoke like an -Oracle.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, will -your Ladyship help me to some Fish?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> [<i>to Neverout.</i>] <i>Tom</i>, they -say, Fish should swim thrice.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> How is that, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why, <i>Tom</i>, first it should -swim in the Sea, (do you mind me?) then -it should swim in Butter; and at last, -Sirrah, it should swim in good Claret. I -think, I have made it out.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> [<i>to Ld. Smart.</i>] My Lord, -Sir <i>John Linger</i> is coming up.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> God so! I invited him to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[133]</a></span> -dine with me To-day, and forgot it: -Well, desire him to walk in.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Sir</i> John Linger <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> What! are you at it? Why, -then, I’ll be gone.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, I beg you will -sit down: Come, the more the merrier.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Ay; but the fewer the better -Cheer.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, I am the worst in -the World at making Apologies; it was -my Lord’s Fault: I doubt you must kiss -the Hare’s Foot.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> I see you are fast by the -Teeth.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Faith, Sir <i>John</i>, we are killing -that, that would kill us.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> You see, Sir <i>John</i>, we -are upon a Business of Life and Death: -Come, will you do as we do? You are -come in Pudden-Time.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Ay; this would you be -doing if I were dead. What! you keep -Court-Hours I see: I’ll be going, and -get a Bit of Meat at my Inn.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, we won’t eat you, -Sir <i>John</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> It is my own Fault; but<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[134]</a></span> -I was kept by a Fellow who bought some -<i>Derbyshire</i> Oxen from me.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> You see, Sir <i>John</i>, we stay’d -for you, as one Horse does for another.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord, will you help -Sir <i>John</i> to some Beef? Lady <i>Answerall</i>, -pray, eat, you see your Dinner: I am sure, -if we had known we should have such -good Company, we should have been -better provided; but you must take the -Will for the Deed. I’m afraid you are -invited to your Loss.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> And, pray, Sir <i>John</i>, how do you -like the Town? You have been absent -a long Time.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Why, I find, little <i>London</i> -stands just where it did when I left it last.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What do you think of <i>Hannover-Square</i>? -Why, Sir <i>John</i>, <i>London</i> -is gone out of Town since you saw it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, I can only say, -you are heartily welcome; and I wish I -had something better for you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Here’s no Salt; Cuckolds will run -away with the Meat.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Pray, edge a little, to make -more Room for Sir <i>John</i>: Sir <i>John</i>, fall -to, you know Half an Hour is soon lost -at Dinner.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[135]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> I protest I can’t eat a Bit, -for I took Share of a Beef-stake and -Two Muggs of Ale with my Chapman, -besides a Tankard of <i>March</i> Beer, as soon -as I got out of Bed.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Not fresh and fasting, I -hope?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Yes, faith, Madam; I always -wash my Kettle before I put the Meat -in it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Poh! Sir <i>John</i>; you -have seen Nine Houses since you eat -last: Come, you have kept a Corner of -your Stomach for a Piece of Venison-Pasty.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Well, I’ll try what I can do, -when it comes up.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Come, Sir <i>John</i>, you may -go further, and fare worse.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> [<i>to Neverout.</i>] Pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, -will you please to send me a Piece of -Tongue?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> By no means, Madam; one -Tongue’s enough for a Woman.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, here’s a Tongue that never -told a Lye.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> That was, because it could not -speak. Why, Colonel, I never told a Lye -in my Life.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[136]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I appeal to all the Company, -whether that be not the greatest Lye that -ever was told.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Neverout.</i>] Pr’ythee, <i>Tom</i>, send -me the Two Legs and Rump and Liver -of that Pigeon; for, you must know, I -love what nobody else loves.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> But what if any of the Ladies -should long? Well, here take it, and the -D—l do you good with it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well; this Eating and -Drinking takes away a body’s Stomach.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I am sure I have lost mine.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! the Bottom of it, I suppose.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, really, Miss; I have -quite lost it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I should be very sorry a poor -body had found it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> But, Sir <i>John</i>, we hear -you are marry’d since we saw you last: -What! you have stolen a Wedding it -seems.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Well; one can’t do a foolish -thing once in one’s Life, but one must -hear of it a hundred times.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> And pray, Sir <i>John</i>, how does -your Lady unknown?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> My Wife’s well, Colonel;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[137]</a></span> -and at your Service in a civil way. Ha, -ha. [<i>he laughs.</i></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Sir <i>John</i>, is your Lady tall -or short?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Why, Miss, I thank God, -she is a Little Evil.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Come, give me a Glass -of Claret.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Footman <i>fills him a Bumper</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why do you fill so much?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, he fills as he loves -you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, shall I send you -some Cowcomber?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Madam, I dare not touch it; -for they say, Cowcombers are cold in the -third Degree.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, do you love -Pudden?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Madam, I’m like all Fools, I -love every thing that is good; but the -Proof of the Pudden is in the Eating.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, I hear you are a great -Walker when you are at Home.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No, faith, Colonel; I always -love to walk with a Horse in my Hand: -But I have had devilish bad Luck in -Horse-flesh of late.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[138]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why then, Sir <i>John</i>, you -must kiss a Parson’s Wife.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> They say, Sir <i>John</i>, that -your Lady has a great deal of Wit.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Madam, she can make a -Pudden; and has just Wit enough to -know her Husband’s Breeches from another -Man’s.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> My Lord <i>Sparkish</i>, I -have some excellent Cyder, will you -please to taste it?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> My Lord, I should like -it well enough, if it were not so treacherous.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Pray, my Lord, how is it -treacherous?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Because it smiles in my -Face, and cuts my Throat. [<i>Here a loud -laugh.</i>]</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Odd-so! Madam; your Knives -are very sharp, for I have cut my Finger.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I am sorry for it; pray, -which Finger? (God bless the Mark.)</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, this Finger: No, ’tis this: -I vow I can’t find which it is.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay; the Fox had a Wound, -and he could not tell where, <i>&c.</i> Bring -some Water to throw in her Face.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, did you ever<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[139]</a></span> -draw a Sword in Anger? I warrant you -would faint at the Sight of your own -Blood.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, shall I send -you some Veal?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Madam; I don’t love it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Then pray for them that do. I -desire your Ladyship will send me a Bit.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> <i>Tom</i>, my Service to you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, this Moment I did -myself the Honour to drink to your Lordship.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why then that’s <i>Hartfordshire</i> -Kindness.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, my Lord, I pledged -myself, for I drank twice together without -thinking.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why then, Colonel, my -humble Service to You.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, my Lord, don’t make -a Bridge of my Nose.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well, a Glass of this -Wine is as comfortable as Matrimony to -an old Woman.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, I design one of these -Days to come and beat up your Quarters -in <i>Derbyshire</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Faith, Colonel, come and -welcome; and stay away, and heartily<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[140]</a></span> -welcome: But you were born within the -Sound of <i>Bow</i> Bell, and don’t care to stir -so far from <i>London</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Colonel, send me some -Fritters.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Colonel takes them out with his Hand.</i></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Here, Miss; they say, Fingers -were made before Forks, and Hands -before Knives.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Methinks this Pudden -is too much boil’d.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Answ.</i> Oh! Madam, they say, a -Pudden is Poison when it’s too much -boil’d.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, shall I help you to a -Pigeon? Here’s a Pigeon so finely -roasted, it cries, Come eat me.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, Sir; I thank you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, then you may chuse.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I have chosen already.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, you may be worse -offer’d, before you are twice marry’d.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>The Colonel fills a large Plate of Soupe.</i></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why, Colonel, you don’t -mean to eat all that Soupe?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> O my Lord, this is my sick Dish; -when I am well, I’ll have a bigger.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[141]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss</i> [<i>to Col.</i>] Sup, <i>Simon</i>; very good -Broth.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> This seems to be a good -Pullet.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I warrant, Mr. <i>Neverout</i> knows -what’s good for himself.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> <i>Tom</i>, I shan’t take your -Word for it; help me to a Wing.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>tryes to cut off a Wing</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Egad I can’t hit the Joint.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, then, think of a -Cuckold.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh! now I have nick’d it.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Gives it Ld.</i> Sparkish.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, a Man may eat -this, tho’ his Wife lay a dying.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, Friend, give me a Glass of -Small Beer, if it be good.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why, Colonel, they say, -there is no such thing as good Small -Beer, good Brown Bread, or a good Old -Woman.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, -I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; I did -not see you when I was cutting that -Bit.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Oh! Madam; after you -is good Manners.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[142]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Lord! here’s a Hair in -the Sauce.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Then set the Hounds -after it.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Colonel, help me however -to some of that same Sauce.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Come; I think you are more -Sauce than Pig.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, chear up: My -Service to you: Well, what do you -think of the World to come?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Truly, my Lord, I think of -it as little as I can.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>putting a Scewer on a -Plate.</i>] Here, take this Scewer, and carry -it down to the Cook, to dress it for her -own Dinner.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; -but this Small Beer is dead.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, then, let it be -bury’d.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> This is admirable Black Pudden: -Miss, shall I carve you some? I can just -carve Pudden, and that’s all; I am the -worst Carver in the World; I should -never make a good Chaplain.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, thank ye, Colonel; for they -say, those that eat Black Pudden will -dream of the Devil.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[143]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> O, here comes the Venison-Pasty: -Here, take the Soupe away.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> [<i>He cuts it up, and tastes -the Venison.</i>] ’Sbuds! this Venison is -musty.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>eats a Piece, and it burns -his Mouth</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> What’s the Matter, <i>Tom</i>? -You have Tears in your Eyes, I think: -What dost cry for, Man?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, I was just thinking -of my poor Grandmother; She died -just this very Day Seven Years.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>takes a Bit, and burns her Mouth</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> And, pray, Miss, why do -you cry too?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Because you were not hang’d -the Day your Grandmother died.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> I’d have given Forty -Pounds, Miss, to have said that.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Egad, I think, the more I eat, the -hungrier I am.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, Colonel, they say, -one Shoulder of Mutton drives down -another.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Egad, if I were to fast for -my Life, I would take a good Breakfast<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[144]</a></span> -in the Morning, a good Dinner at Noon, -and a good Supper at Night.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> My Lord, this Venison -is plaguily pepper’d; your Cook has a -heavy Hand.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> My Lord, I hope, you are -Pepper-proof: Come, here’s a Health to -the Founders.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay; and to the Confounders -too.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Lady <i>Answerall</i>, does not -your Ladyship love Venison?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> No, my Lord, I can’t -endure it in my Sight, therefore please -to send me a good Piece of Meat and -Crust.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish</i> [<i>drinks to Neverout.</i>] -Come, <i>Tom</i>; not always to my Friends, -but once to you.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout</i> [<i>drinks to Lady Smart.</i>] -Come, Madam; here’s a Health to our -Friends, and hang the rest of our Kin.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, -will your Ladyship have any of this -Hare?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> No, Madam; they say, -’tis melancholy Meat.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Then, Madam, shall I -send you the Brains? I beg your Ladyship’s<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[145]</a></span> -Pardon; for they say, ’tis not good -Manners to offer Brains.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> No, Madam; for perhaps -it will make me hare-brain’d.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I must tell you one -thing.</p> - -<p><i>Miss</i> [<i>with a Glass in her Hand.</i>] -Hold your Tongue, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; don’t -speak in my Tip.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, he was an ingenious Man, -that first found out Eating and Drinking.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Of all Vittles Drink -digests the quickest: Give me a Glass -of Wine.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, your Wine is too -strong.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Ay, <i>Tom</i>; as much as -you are too good.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> This Almond Pudden was pure -good; but it is grown quite cold.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> So much the better, Miss; -cold Pudden will settle your Love.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, are you -going to take a Voyage?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why do you ask, Miss?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Because you have laid in so -much Beef.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> You Two have eat up the -whole Pudden betwixt you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[146]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, here’s a little Bit left; -will you please to have it?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No, thankee; I don’t love -to make a Fool of my Mouth.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>calling to the Butler.</i>] <i>John</i>, is your -Small Beer good?</p> - -<p><i>Butler.</i> An please your Honour, my -Lord and Lady like it; I think it is good.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why then, <i>John</i>, d’yesee? if you -are sure your Small Beer is good, d’yemark? -Then, give me a Glass of Wine.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>All laugh.</i></p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Colonel tasting the Wine.</i></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, how does your -Neighbour <i>Gatherall</i> of the <i>Peak</i>? I hear, -he has lately made a Purchase.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Oh, <i>Dick Gatherall</i> knows -how to butter his Bread, as well as any -Man in <i>Darbyshire</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why, he us’d to go very -fine, when he was here in Town.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Ay; and it became him, as -a Saddle becomes a Sow.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I know his Lady, and I think she -is a very good Woman.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Faith, she has more Goodness -in her little Finger, than he has in -his whole Body.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[147]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, Colonel, how do you -like that Wine?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> This Wine should be eaten; it is -too good to be drunk.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> I’m very glad you like it; -and pray don’t spare it.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> No, my Lord; I’ll never starve -in a Cook’s Shop.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> And pray, Sir <i>John</i>, what -do You say to my Wine?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> I’ll take another Glass first; -second Thoughts are best.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Pray, Lady <i>Smart</i>, you -sit near that Ham; will you please to -send me a Bit?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> With all my Heart. [<i>She -sends him a Piece.</i>] Pray, my Lord, how -do you like it?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> I think it is a Limb of <i>Lot</i>’s -Wife. [<i>He eats it with Mustard.</i>] Egad, -my Lord, your Mustard is very uncivil.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why uncivil, my Lord?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Because it takes me by -the Nose, egad.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I find you -are a very good Carver.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> O Madam, that is no Wonder; -for you must know, <i>Tom Neverout</i> carves -a <i>Sundays</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[148]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>overturns the Salt-celler</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you have -overturn’d the Salt, and that’s a Sign of -Anger: I’m afraid, Miss and You will -fall out.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> No, no; throw a little -of it into the Fire, and all will be well.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> O Madam, the falling out -of Lovers, you know.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lovers! very fine! fall out with -Him! I wonder when we were in!</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> For my Part, I believe, the -young Gentlewoman is his Sweetheart; -there’s so much Fooling and Fidling betwixt -them: I’m sure, they say in our -Country, that — — — is the Beginning -of Love.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I own, I love Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, as -the Devil loves Holy Water; I love him -like Pye, I’d rather the Devil had him -than I.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I’ll tell you one thing.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Come, here’s t’ ye, to stop your -Mouth.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I’d rather you would stop it -with a Kiss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> A Kiss! marry come up, my -dirty Cousin; are you no sicker? Lord,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[149]</a></span> -I wonder what Fool it was that first -invented Kissing!</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, I’m very dry.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Then you’re the better to burn, -and the worse to fry.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> God bless you, Colonel; -you have a good Stroke with you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> O Madam; formerly I could eat -all, but now I leave nothing; I eat but -one Meal a Day.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! I suppose, Colonel, that’s -from Morning till Night.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, Miss; and well was -his Wont.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Pray, Lady <i>Answerall</i>, -taste this Bit of Venison.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I hope, your Lordship -will set me a good Example.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Here’s a Glass of Cyder -fill’d: Miss, you must drink it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, my Lord, I can’t.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, Miss; better Belly -burst, than good Liquor be lost.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pish! well in Life there was -never any thing so teizing; I had rather -shed it in my Shoes: I wish it were in -your Guts, for my Share.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, you han’t -tasted my Cyder yet.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[150]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, my Lord: I have been -just eating Soupe; and they say, if one -drinks in one’s Porridge, one will cough -in one’s Grave.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Come, take Miss’s Glass, -she wish’d it was in your Guts; let her -have her Wish for once: Ladies can’t -abide to have their Inclinations cross’d.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>to Sir John.</i>] I think, Sir -<i>John</i>, you have not tasted the Venison yet.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> I seldom eat it, Madam: -However, please to send me a little of -the Crust.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, Sir <i>John</i>, you -had as good eat the Devil as the Broth -he’s boil’d in.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, this Eating and Drinking -takes away a body’s Stomach, as Lady -<i>Answerall</i> says.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I have dined as well as my -Lord Mayor.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I thought I could have eaten -this Wing of a Chicken; but my Eye’s -bigger than my Belly.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Indeed, Lady <i>Answerall</i>, -you have eaten nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Pray, my Lord, see all -the Bones on my Plate: They say, a -Carpenter’s known by his Chips.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[151]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, will you reach me that -Glass of Jelly?</p> - -<p><i>Miss</i> [<i>giving it to him.</i>] You see, ’tis -but ask and have.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I would have a bigger -Glass.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! you don’t know your -own Mind; you are neither well, full nor -fasting; I think that is enough.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay, one of the Enough’s; I -am sure it is little enough.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Yes; but you know, sweet Things -are bad for the Teeth.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, I -don’t like that Part of the Veal you sent -me.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I find -you are a true <i>Englishman</i>; you never -know when you are well.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, I have made my whole -Dinner of Beef.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why, Colonel, a Belly-full’s -a Belly-full, if it be but of Wheat-straw.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, after all, Kitchen-Physic is -the best Physic.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> And the best Doctors in -the World are Doctor <i>Dyet</i>, Doctor <i>Quiet</i>, -and Doctor <i>Merryman</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[152]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> What do you think of -a little House well fill’d?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> And a little Land well -till’d?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ay; and a little Wife well will’d?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lady <i>Smart</i>, pray help -me to some of the Breast of that Goose.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> <i>Tom</i>, I have heard, that -Goose upon Goose is false Heraldry.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! will you never have done -stuffing?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> This Goose is quite raw: -Well, God sends Meat, but the Devil -sends Cooks.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, can you tell which is -the white Goose, or the gray Goose the -Gander?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> They say, a Fool will ask more -Questions than the wisest body can -answer.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Indeed, Miss, <i>Tom Neverout</i> has -posed you.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, Colonel, every Dog has -his Day; but, I believe, I shall never see -a Goose again without thinking on Mr. -<i>Neverout</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well said, Miss; faith. -Girl, thou hast brought thyself off cleverly. -<i>Tom</i>, what say you to that?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[153]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Faith, <i>Tom</i> is nonplust; he looks -plaguily down in the Mouth.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, my Lord, you see he is -the provokingest Creature in Life; I believe -there is not such another in the -varsal World.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Oh, Miss! the World’s a -wide Place.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well, Miss, I’ll give you -Leave to call me any thing, if you don’t -call me Spade.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, but, after all, <i>Tom</i>, -can you tell me what’s <i>Latin</i> for a Goose.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> O my Lord, I know that; -why <i>Brandy</i> is <i>Latin</i> for a Goose, and -<i>Tace</i> is <i>Latin</i> for a Candle.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Is that Manners, to shew your -Learning before Ladies? Methinks you -are grown very brisk of a sudden; I -think the Man’s glad he’s alive.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> The Devil take your Wit, if -this be Wit; for it spoils Company: -Pray, Mr. <i>Butler</i>, bring me a Dram after -my Goose; ’tis very good for the Wholsoms.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Come, bring me the Loaf; -I sometimes love to cut my own Bread.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I suppose, my Lord, you lay -longest a Bed To-day.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[154]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Miss, if I had said so, I -should have told a Fib; I warrant you -lay a Bed till the Cows came Home: -But, Miss, shall I cut you a little Crust -now my Hand is in?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> If you please, my Lord, a Bit of -Under-crust.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> [<i>whispering Miss.</i>] I find, -you love to lie under.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> <i>aloud</i> [<i>pushing him from her.</i>] -What does the Man mean! Sir, I don’t -understand you at all.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, all Quarrels laid -aside: Here, Miss, may you live a thousand -Years.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>He drinks to her.</i></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Sir, don’t stint me.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, will you taste my -<i>October</i>? I think it is very good; but I -believe not equal to yours in <i>Darbyshire</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> My Lord, I beg your Pardon; -but they say, the Devil made -Askers.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> [<i>to the Butler.</i>] Here, bring -up the great Tankard full of <i>October</i> for -Sir <i>John</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>drinking to Miss.</i>] Miss, your -Health; may you live all the Days of -your Life.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, Miss, you’ll certainly<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[155]</a></span> -be soon marry’d; here’s Two -Batchelors drinking to you at once.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Indeed, Miss, I believe -you were wrapt in your Mother’s Smock, -you are so well belov’d.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Where’s my Knife? Sure I -han’t eaten it. Oh! here it is.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No, Miss; but your Maidenhead -hangs in your Light.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Sir <i>John</i>, is that a <i>Darbyshire</i> -Compliment? Here, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, -will you take this Piece of Rabbit that -you bid me carve for you?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I don’t know.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, take it, or let it alone.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I will.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What will you?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, I’ll take it, or let it -alone.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> You are a provoking Creature.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John</i> [<i>talking with a Glass of -Wine in his Hand.</i>] I remember a Farmer -in our Country——</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart</i> [<i>interrupting him.</i>] Pray, -Sir <i>John</i>, did you ever hear of Parson -<i>Palmer</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No, my Lord; what of him?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why, he used to preach -over his Liquor.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[156]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> I beg your Pardon; here’s -your Lordship’s Health: I’d drink it up, -if it were a Mile to the Bottom.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, have you -been at the new Play?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Yes, Madam; I went the -first Night.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well; and how did it -take?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Madam, the Poet is -damn’d.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> God forgive you! that’s very -uncharitable: you ought not to judge so -rashly of any Christian.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout</i> [<i>whispers Lady Smart.</i>] Was -ever such a Dunce? How well he knows -the Town! see, how he stares like a -Stuck-Pig! Well, but, Sir <i>John</i>, are you -acquainted with any of our fine Ladies -yet? any of our famous Toasts?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No; damn your Fireships, -I have a Wife of my own.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Pray, my Lady <i>Answerall</i>, -how do you like these preserv’d -Oranges?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Indeed, Madam, the only -Fault I find is, that they are too good.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> O Madam; I have heard -’em say, that too good is stark naught.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[157]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>drinking Part of a Glass of Wine</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, let me drink your -Snuff.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, indeed; you shan’t drink -after me, for you’ll know my Thoughts.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I know them already; you -are thinking of a good Husband: Besides, -I can tell your Meaning by your -Mumping.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Pray, my Lord, did not -you order the Butler to bring up a Tankard -of our <i>October</i> to Sir <i>John</i>? I believe, -they stay to brew it.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>The</i> Butler <i>brings up the Tankard to</i> -Sir John.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Won’t your Ladyship please -to drink first?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, Sir <i>John</i>; ’tis in a -very good Hand; I’ll pledge you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Ld. Smart.</i>] My Lord, I love -<i>October</i> as well as Sir <i>John</i>; and I hope, -you won’t make Fish of one, and Flesh -of another.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Colonel, you’re heartily -welcome. Come, Sir <i>John</i>, take it by -Word of Mouth, and then give it the -Colonel.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Sir John <i>drinks</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[158]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, Sir <i>John</i>, how do -you like it?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Not as well as my own in -<i>Darbyshire</i>; ’tis plaguy small.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I never taste Malt Liquor; -but they say, ’tis well hopt.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Hopt! why, if it had hopp’d -a little further, it would have hopp’d into -the River. O my Lord, my Ale is Meat, -Drink and Cloth; it will make a Cat -speak, and a wise Man dumb.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I was told, ours was very -strong.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Ay, Madam, strong of the -Water; I believe the Brewer forgot the -Malt, or the River was too near him: -Faith, it is mere Whip-Belly-Vengeance; -he that drinks most has the worst Share.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I believe, Sir <i>John</i>, Ale is as -Plenty as Water at your House.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Why, faith, at <i>Christmas</i> we -have many Comers and Goers; and they -must not be sent away without a Cup of -<i>Christmas</i> Ale, for fear they should —— behind -the Door.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I hear, Sir <i>John</i> has the -nicest Garden in <i>England</i>; they say, ’tis -kept so clean, that you can’t find a Place -where to spit.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[159]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> O Madam; you are pleased -to say so.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> But, Sir <i>John</i>, your Ale -is terrible strong and heady in <i>Derbyshire</i>, -and will soon make one drunk and -sick; what do you then?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Why, indeed, it is apt to -fox one; but our Way is, to take a Hair -of the same Dog next Morning.——I -take a new-laid Egg for Breakfast; and, -faith, one should drink as much after an -Egg as after an Ox.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> <i>Tom Neverout</i>, will you -taste a Glass of the <i>October</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, faith, my Lord; I like -your Wine, and I won’t put a Churle -upon a Gentleman; your Honour’s Claret -is good enough for me.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What! is this Pigeon -left for Manners? Colonel, shall I send -you the Legs and Rump?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Madam, I could not eat a Bit -more, if the House was full.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart</i> [<i>carving a Partridge.</i>] -Well; one may ride to <i>Rumford</i> upon -this Knife, it is so blunt.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> My Lord, I beg your -Pardon; but they say, an ill Workman -never had good Tools.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[160]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Will your Lordship have -a Wing of it?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> No, my Lord; I love the -Wing of an Ox a great deal better.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> I’m always cold after -Eating.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> My Lord, they say, that’s a Sign -of long Life.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Ay; I believe I shall live -till all my Friends are weary of me.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, does any body here hate -Cheese? I would be glad of a Bit.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> An odd kind of Fellow -dined with me t’other Day; and when -the Cheese came upon the Table, he pretended -to faint; so somebody said, Pray, -take away the Cheese; No, said I; pray, -take away the Fool: Said I well?</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Here a large and loud Laugh.</i></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Faith, my Lord, you serv’d the -Coxcomb right enough; and therefore I -wish we had a Bit of your Lordship’s -<i>Oxfordshire</i> Cheese.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Come, hang Saving; bring -us a Halfporth of Cheese.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> They say, Cheese digests -every thing but itself.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>A Footman brings a great whole Cheese.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[161]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Ay; this would look -handsome, if any body should come -in.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Well; I’m weily rosten, as -they sayn in <i>Lancashire</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Oh! Sir <i>John</i>; I wou’d -I had something to brost you withal.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Come; they say, ’tis merry -in Hall, when Beards wag all.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, shall I help you -to some Cheese? or will you carve for -yourself?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I’ll hold Fifty Pounds, Miss -won’t cut the Cheese.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, why so, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Oh there is a Reason, and -you know it well enough.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I can’t for my Life understand -what the Gentleman means.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Pray, <i>Tom</i>, change the -Discourse; in Troth you are too bad.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>whispers Neverout.</i>] Smoke Miss; -faith, you have made her fret like Gum -Taffety.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, but Miss; (hold -your Tongue, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>) shall I cut -you a Piece of Cheese?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, really, Madam; I have dined -this half Hour.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[162]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What! quick at Meat, -quick at Work, they say.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Sir John <i>nods</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> What! are you sleepy, Sir -<i>John</i>? do you sleep after Dinner?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Yes, faith; I sometimes -take a Nap after my Pipe; for when the -Belly is full, the Bones will be at Rest.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Come, Colonel; help yourself, -and your Friends will love you the -better. [<i>To Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, your -Ladyship eats nothing.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Lord, Madam, I have fed -like a Farmer; I shall grow as fat as a -Porpoise; I swear my Jaws are weary -of chawing.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I have a Mind to eat a Piece of -that Sturgeon; but fear it will make me -sick.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> A rare Soldier indeed! Let -it alone, and I warrant it won’t hurt you.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well; but it would vex a Dog to -see a Pudden creep.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Sir John <i>rises</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Sir <i>John</i>, what are you -doing?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Swolks, I must be going,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[163]</a></span> -by’r Lady; I have earnest Business; I -must do as the Beggars do, go away -when I have got enough.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, but stay till this -Bottle’s out; you know, the Man was -hang’d that left his Liquor behind him: -And besides, a Cup in the Pate is a Mile -in the Gate; and a Spur in the Head is -worth two in the Heel.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Come then; one Brimmer -to all your Healths. [<i>The Footman gives -him a Glass half full.</i>] Pray, Friend, -what was the rest of this Glass made -for? An Inch at the Top, Friend, is -worth two at the Bottom. [<i>He gets a -Brimmer, and drinks it off.</i>] Well, there’s -no Deceit in a Brimmer, and there’s no -false <i>Latin</i> in this; your Wine is excellent -good, so I thank you for the next, -for I am sure of this: Madam, has your -Ladyship any Commands in <i>Darbyshire</i>? -I must go Fifteen Miles To-night.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> None, Sir <i>John</i>, but to -take Care of Yourself; and my most -humble Service to your Lady unknown.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Well, Madam, I can but love -and thank you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Here, bring Water to -wash; tho’, really, you have all eaten so<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[164]</a></span> -little, that you have no need to wash -your Mouths.——</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> But, pr’ythee, Sir <i>John</i>, -stay awhile longer.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No, my Lord; I am to -smoke a Pipe with a Friend before I -leave the Town.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, Sir <i>John</i>, had not you better -set out To-morrow?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Colonel, you forget To-morrow -is <i>Sunday</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Now I always love to begin a -Journey on <i>Sundays</i>, because I shall have -the Prayers of the Church, to preserve -all that travel by Land, or by Water.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Well, Colonel; thou art a -mad Fellow to make a Priest of.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Fie, Sir <i>John</i>, do you take -Tobacco? How can you make a Chimney -of your Mouth?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John</i> [<i>to Neverout.</i>] What! you -don’t smoke, I warrant you, but you -smock. (Ladies, I beg your Pardon.) -Colonel, do you never smoke?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> No, Sir <i>John</i>; but I take a Pipe -sometimes.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> I’faith, one of your finical -<i>London</i> Blades dined with me last Year -in <i>Darbyshire</i>; so, after Dinner, I took<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[165]</a></span> -a Pipe; so my Gentleman turn’d away -his Head: So, said I, What, Sir, do you -never smoke? So, he answered as you -do, Colonel; No, but I sometimes take -a Pipe: So, he took a Pipe in his Hand, -and fiddled with it till he broke it: So, -said I, Pray, Sir, can you make a Pipe? -So, he said No; so, said I, Why, -then, Sir, if you can’t make a Pipe, you -should not break a Pipe; so, we all -laugh’d.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well; but, Sir <i>John</i>, they -say, that the Corruption of Pipes is the -Generation of Stoppers.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Colonel, I hear, you go -sometimes to <i>Darbyshire</i>; I wish you -would come and foul a Plate with me.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I hope, you’ll give me a Soldier’s -Bottle.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Come, and try. Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, -you are a Town-Wit, can you tell -me what kind of Herb is Tobacco?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, an <i>Indian</i> Herb, Sir -<i>John</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No,’tis a Pot Herb; and so -here’s t’ye in a Pot of my Lord’s <i>October</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I hear, Sir <i>John</i>, since -you are married, you have forsworn the -Town.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[166]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> No, Madam; I never forswore -any thing but building of Churches.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well; but, Sir <i>John</i>, -when may we hope to see you again in -<i>London</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Why, Madam, not till the -Ducks have eat up the Dirt; as the -Children say.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, Sir <i>John</i>; I foresee -it will rain terribly.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Come, Sir <i>John</i>, do -nothing rashly; let us drink first.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> I know Sir <i>John</i> will go, -tho’ he was sure it would rain Cats and -Dogs: But pray, stay, Sir <i>John</i>; you’ll -be time enough to go to Bed by Candle-light.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Why, Sir <i>John</i>, if you -must needs go; while you stay, make -good Use of your Time: Here’s my Service -to you, a Health to our Friends in -<i>Darbyshire</i>: Come, sit down; let us put -off the evil Hour as long as we can.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Faith, I could not drink a -Drop more, if the House was full.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, Sir <i>John</i>, you used to love -a Glass of good Wine in former Times.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Why, so I do still, Colonel; -but a Man may love his House very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[167]</a></span> -well, without riding on the Ridge: Besides, -I must be with my Wife on <i>Tuesday</i>, -or there will be the Devil and all to -pay.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, if you go To-day, I wish -you may be wet to the Skin.</p> - -<p><i>Sir John.</i> Ay; but they say, the -Prayers of the Wicked won’t prevail.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Sir John <i>takes Leave, and goes away</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, Miss, how do you -like Sir <i>John</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, I think, he’s a little upon -the silly, or so: I believe, he has not all -the Wit in the World; but I don’t pretend -to be a Judge.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, I believe, he was bred -at <i>Hogs-Norton</i>, where the Pigs play -upon the Organs.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Why, <i>Tom</i>, I thought -You and He were Hand and Glove.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, he shall have a clean -Threshold for me; I never darkned his -Door in my Life, neither in Town nor -Country; but he’s a quere old Duke by -my Conscience; and yet, after all, I take -him to be more Knave than Fool.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, come; a Man’s a -Man, if he has but a Nose on his Head.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[168]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I was once with Him and some -other Company over a Bottle; and, egad, -he fell asleep, and snor’d so hard, that -we thought he was driving his Hogs to -Market.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, what! you can have -no more of a Cat than her Skin; you -can’t make a Silk Purse out of a Sow’s -Ear.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Well, since he’s gone, -the Devil go with him and Sixpence; -and there’s Money and Company too.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, he’s a true Country -Put. Pray, Miss, let me ask you a Question?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well; but don’t ask Questions -with a dirty Face: I warrant, what you -have to say will keep cold.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Come, my Lord, against you are -disposed; Here’s to all that love and -honour you.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Ay, that was always -<i>Dick Nimble</i>’s Health. I’m sure you -know he’s dead.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Dead! Well, my Lord, you love to -be a Messenger of ill News: I’m heartily -sorry; but, my Lord, we must all die.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I knew him very well: But, -pray, how came he to die?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[169]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> There’s a Question! you talk -like a Poticary: Why, because he could -live no longer.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; rest his Soul: We -must live by the Living, and not by the -Dead.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> You know, his House -was burnt down to the Ground.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Yes; it was in the News: Why -Fire and Water are good Servants, but -they are very bad Masters.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Here, take away, and set -down a Bottle of <i>Burgundy</i>: Ladies, -you’ll stay, and drink a Glass of Wine -before you go to your Tea.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>All taken away, and the Wine set -down</i>, &c.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>gives</i> Neverout <i>a smart Pinch</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Lord, Miss, what d’ye mean! -D’ye think I have no Feeling?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m forc’d to pinch, for the -Times are hard.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout</i> [<i>giving Miss a Pinch.</i>] Take -that, Miss; what’s Sauce for a Goose is -for a Gander.</p> - -<p><i>Miss</i> [<i>screaming.</i>] Well, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, -if I live, that shall neither go to Heaven -nor Hell with you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[170]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout</i> [<i>takes Miss’s Hand.</i>] Come, -Miss; let us lay all Quarrels aside, and -be Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Don’t be so teizing! You plague -a body so!——Can’t you keep your filthy -Hands to yourself?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Pray, Miss, where did you -get that Pick-Tooth Case?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I came honestly by it.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I’m sure it was mine, for I -lost just such a one; nay, I don’t tell you -a Lye.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No; if You lye, it is much.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; I’m sure ’tis mine.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What! you think every Thing -is yours, but a little the King has.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Colonel, you have seen my -fine Pick-Tooth Case; don’t you think -this is the very same?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Indeed, Miss, it is very like it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay; what he says, you’ll swear.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Well; but I’ll prove it to -be mine.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay; do if you can.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, what’s yours is mine, -and what’s mine is my own.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, run on till you’re weary, -nobody holds you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[171]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[Neverout <i>gapes</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> What, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, do you gape -for Preferment?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, I may gape long -enough, before it falls into my Mouth.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, my Lord -and I intend to beat up your Quarters -one of these Days: I hear, you live high.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Yes, faith, Madam; live -high, and lodge in a Garret.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> But, Miss, I forgot to tell you, -that Mr. <i>Neverout</i> got the devilishest -Fall in the Park To-day.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I hope he did not hurt the -Ground: But how was it, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>? -I wish I had been there, to laugh.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Madam, it was a -Place where a Cuckold has been bury’d, -and one of his Horns sticking out, I -happened to stumble against it; that -was all.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ladies, let us leave the -Gentlemen to themselves; I think it is -Time to go to our Tea.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> & <i>Miss.</i> My Lords and -Gentlemen, your most humble Servant.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, Ladies, we’ll wait on -you an Hour hence.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[172]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>The Gentlemen alone.</i></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Come, <i>John</i>, bring us a -fresh Bottle.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Ay, my Lord; and, pray, let him -carry off the dead Men (as we say in the -Army.)</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Meaning the empty Bottles.</i></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, pray, is -not that Bottle full?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Yes, my Lord; full of -Emptiness.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> And, d’ye hear, <i>John</i>? -bring clean Glasses.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I’ll keep mine; for I think, the -Wine is the best Liquor to wash Glasses -in.</p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[173]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="DIALOGUE_III">POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC.<br /> -<span class="smaller">DIALOGUE III.</span></h2> - -<p class="center"><i>The Ladies at their Tea.</i></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, Ladies; now let -us have a Cup of Discourse to ourselves.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> What do you think of -your Friend, Sir <i>John Spendall</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, Madam,’tis happy -for him, that his Father was born before -him.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> They say, he makes a very ill -Husband to my Lady.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> But he must be allow’d -to be the fondest Father in the World.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Ay, Madam, that’s true; -for they say, the Devil is kind to his -own.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I am told, my Lady manages -him to Admiration.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[174]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> That I believe; for she’s -as cunning as a dead Pig; but not half -so honest.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> They say, she’s quite a -Stranger to all his Gallantries.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Not at all; but, you -know, there’s none so blind as they that -won’t see.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> O Madam, I am told, she -watches him, as a Cat would watch a -Mouse.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, if she ben’t foully -belied, she pays him in his own Coin.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Madam, I fancy I know -your Thoughts, as well as if I were within -you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Madam, I was t’other -Day in Company with Mrs. <i>Clatter</i>; I -find she gives herself Airs of being acquainted -with your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh, the hideous Creature! did -you observe her Nails? they were long -enough to scratch her Granum out of her -Grave.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, She and <i>Tom Gosling</i> -were banging Compliments backwards -and forwards; it look’d like Two -Asses scrubbing one another.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay, claw me, and I’ll claw thou:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[175]</a></span> -But, pray, Madam; who were the Company?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, there was all the -World, and his Wife; there was Mrs. -<i>Clatter</i>, Lady <i>Singular</i>, the Countess of -<i>Talkham</i>, (I should have named her -first;) <i>Tom Goslin</i>, and some others, -whom I have forgot.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I think the Countess is -very sickly.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Yes, Madam; she’ll -never scratch a grey Head, I promise -her.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> And, pray, what was your Conversation?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, Mrs. <i>Clatter</i> had -all the Talk to herself, and was perpetually -complaining of her Misfortunes.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> She brought her Husband -Ten Thousand Pounds; she has a Town-House -and Country-house: Would the -Woman have her —— hung with -Points?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> She would fain be at -the Top of the House before the Stairs -are built.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, Comparisons are odious; -but she’s as like her Husband, as if she -were spit out of his Mouth; as like as<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[176]</a></span> -one Egg is to another: Pray, how was -she drest?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, she was as fine as -Fi’pence; but, truly, I thought, there -was more Cost than Worship.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I don’t know her Husband: -Pray, what is he?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, he’s a Concealer -of the Law; you must know, he came to -us as drunk as <i>David</i>’s Sow.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What kind of Creature is he?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> You must know, the -Man and his Wife are coupled like Rabbets, -a fat and a lean; he’s as fat as a -Porpus, and she’s one of <i>Pharaoh</i>’s lean -Kine: The Ladies and <i>Tom Gosling</i> were -proposing a Party at Quadrille, but he -refus’d to make one: Damn your Cards, -said he, they are the Devil’s Books.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> A dull unmannerly Brute! -Well, God send him more Wit, and me -more Money.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord! Madam, I would not -keep such Company for the World.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> O Miss, ’tis nothing -when you are used to it: Besides, you -know, for Want of Company, welcome -Trumpery.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Did your Ladyship play?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[177]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Yes, and won; so I -came off with Fidlers Fare, Meat, Drink, -and Money.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay; what says <i>Pluck</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, my Elbow itches; I shall -change Bed-fellows.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> And my Right Hand -itches; I shall receive Money.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> And my Right Eye -itches; I shall cry.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, I hear your Friend -Mistress <i>Giddy</i> has discarded <i>Dick -Shuttle</i>: Pray, has she got another -Lover?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I hear of none.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, the Fellow’s rich; -and I think she was a Fool to throw out -her dirty Water before she got clean.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Miss, that’s a very handsome -Gown of yours, and finely made; -very genteel.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m glad your Ladyship likes -it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Your Lover will be in -Raptures; it becomes you admirably.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay; I assure you I won’t take -it as I have done; if this won’t fetch -him, the Devil fetch him, say I.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Pray,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[178]</a></span> -Madam, when did you see Sir <i>Peter -Muckworm</i>?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Not this Fortnight; I -hear, he’s laid up with the Gout.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> What does he do for it?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Why I hear he’s weary -of doctoring it, and now makes Use of -nothing but Patience and Flannel.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, how does He and my -Lady agree?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> You know, he loves her -as the Devil loves Holy Water.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> They say, she plays deep with -Sharpers, that cheat her of her Money.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Upon my Word, they -must rise early that would cheat her -of her Money; Sharp’s the Word with -her; Diamonds cut Diamonds.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, but I was assur’d from a -good Hand that she lost at one Sitting -to the Tune of a hundred Guineas; make -Money of that.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, but do you hear, -that Mrs. <i>Plump</i> is brought to Bed at -last?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> And, pray, what has God sent -her?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, guess, if you can.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> A Boy, I suppose.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[179]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, you are out; guess -again.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> A Girl then.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> You have hit it; I believe -you are a Witch.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> O Madam; the Gentlemen say, -all fine Ladies are Witches; but I pretend -to no such thing.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, she had good Luck -to draw <i>Tom Plump</i> into Wedlock; she -ris’ with her —— upwards.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Fie, Madam! what do you -mean?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> O Miss; ’tis nothing -what we say among ourselves.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Ay, Madam; but they say, -Hedges have Eyes, and Walls have -Ears.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, Miss, I can’t help -it; you know, I am old Tell-Truth; I -love to call a Spade a Spade.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>mistakes the Tea-tongs -for the Spoon.</i>] What! I think my -Wits are a Wool-gathering To-day.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Why, Madam, there was but a -Right and a Wrong.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Miss, I hear, that You -and Lady <i>Coupler</i> are as great as Cup -and Can.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[180]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay, Miss; as great as -the Devil and the Earl of <i>Kent</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Nay, I am told, you -meet together with as much Love, as -there is between the old Cow and the -Hay-stack.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I own, I love her very well; but -there’s Difference betwixt staring and -stark mad.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> They say, she begins to -grow fat.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Fat! ay, fat as a Hen in the -Forehead.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Indeed, Lady <i>Answerall</i>, -(pray, forgive me) I think, your Ladyship -looks thinner than when I saw you -last.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed, Madam, I think not; -but your Ladyship is one of <i>Job</i>’s Comforters.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Well, no matter how I -look; I am bought and sold: but really, -Miss, you are so very obliging, that I -wish I were a handsome young Lord for -your Sake.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> O Madam, your Love’s a Million.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, -will your Ladyship let me wait on you -to the Play To-morrow?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[181]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Madam, it becomes me -to wait on your Ladyship.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What, then, I’m turn’d out for -a Wrangler.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>The Gentlemen come in to the Ladies to -drink Tea.</i></p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, we wanted you -sadly; you are always out of the Way -when you should be hang’d.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> You wanted me! Pray, -Miss, how do you look when you lye?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Better than you when you cry. -Manners indeed! I find, you mend like -sour Ale in Summer.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I beg your Pardon, Miss; -I only meant, when you lie alone.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> That’s well turn’d; one Turn -more would have turn’d you down -Stairs.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Come, Miss; be kind for -once, and order me a Dish of Coffee.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, go yourself; let us wear -out the oldest first: Besides, I can’t go, -for I have a Bone in my Leg.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> They say, a Woman need but -look on her Apron-string to find an -Excuse.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, you are grown<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[182]</a></span> -so peevish, a Dog would not live with -you.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, I beg your Diversion; -no Offence, I hope: but truly in a -little time you intend to make the -Colonel as bad as yourself; and that’s as -bad as bad can.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> My Lord, don’t you think -Miss improves wonderfully of late? Why, -Miss, if I spoil the Colonel, I hope you -will use him as you do me; for, you -know, love me, love my Dog.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> How’s that, <i>Tom</i>? Say that -again: Why, if I am a Dog, shake -Hands, Brother.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>Here a great, loud, long Laugh.</i></p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> But, pray, Gentlemen, why -always so severe upon poor Miss? On -my Conscience, Colonel and <i>Tom Neverout</i>, -one of you two are both Knaves.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> My Lady <i>Answerall</i>, I intend to -do myself the Honour of dining with -your Ladyship To-morrow.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Ay, Colonel; do if you -can.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m sure you’ll be glad to be -welcome.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, I thank you; and, to reward<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[183]</a></span> -You, I’ll come and drink Tea with -you in the Morning.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Colonel, there’s Two Words to -that Bargain.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Lady Smart.</i>] Your Ladyship -has a very fine Watch; well may you -wear it.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> It is none of mine, -Colonel.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Pray, whose is it then?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Why, ’tis my Lord’s; -for they say, a marry’d Woman has -nothing of her own, but her Wedding-Ring -and her Hair-Lace: But if Women -had been the Law-Makers, it would have -been better.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> This Watch seems to be quite -new.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> No, Sir; it has been -Twenty Years in my Lord’s Family; but -<i>Quare</i> put a new Case and Dial-Plate to it.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, that’s for all the World -like the Man who swore he kept the same -Knife forty Years, only he sometimes -changed the Haft, and sometimes the -Blade.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> Well, <i>Tom</i>, to give the -Devil his Due, thou art a right Woman’s -Man.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[184]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Odd-so! I have broke the Hinge -of my Snuff-box; I’m undone beside the -Loss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Alack-a-day, Colonel! I vow I -had rather have found Forty Shillings.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Colonel; all that I -can say to comfort you, is, that you must -mend it with a new one.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Miss <i>laughs</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> What, Miss! you can’t laugh, but -you must shew your Teeth.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m sure you shew your Teeth -when you can’t bite: Well, thus it must -be, if we sell Ale.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, you smell very sweet; -I hope you don’t carry Perfumes.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Perfumes! No, Sir; I’d have -you to know, it is nothing but the Grain -of my Skin.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> <i>Tom</i>, you have a good Nose to -make a poor Man’s Sow.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> So, Ladies and Gentlemen, -methinks you are very witty upon -one another: Come, box it about; ’twill -come to my Father at last.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Why, my Lord, you see Miss has -no Mercy; I wish she were marry’d;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[185]</a></span> -but I doubt, the grey Mare would prove -the better Horse.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Well, God forgive you for that -Wish.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Never fear him, Miss.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> What, my Lord, do you think I -was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an -Owl?</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Smart.</i> What have you to say to -that, Colonel?</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> O my Lord, my Friend the -Colonel scorns to set his Wit against a -Child.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Scornful Dogs will eat dirty -Puddens.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Well, Miss; they say, a Woman’s -Tongue is the last thing about her that -dies; therefore let’s kiss and Friends.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Hands off! that’s Meat for your -Master.</p> - -<p><i>Ld. Sparkish.</i> Faith, Colonel, you are -for Ale and Cakes: But after all, Miss, -you are too severe; you would not meddle -with your Match.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> All they can say goes in at one -Ear, and out at t’other for me, I can -assure you: Only I wish they would be -quiet, and let me drink my Tea.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What! I warrant you think<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[186]</a></span> -all is lost, that goes beside your own -Mouth.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Pray, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, hold your -Tongue for once, if it be possible; one -would think, you were a Woman in Man’s -Cloaths, by your prating.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> No, Miss; it is not handsome -to see one hold one’s Tongue: -Besides, I should slobber my Fingers.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Miss, did you never hear, that -Three Women and a Goose are enough -to make a Market?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> I’m sure, if Mr. <i>Neverout</i> or You -were among them, it would make a Fair.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Footman <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Here, take away the -Tea-table, and bring up Candles.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> O Madam, no Candles -yet, I beseech you; don’t let us burn -Day-Light.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> I dare swear, Miss, for her -Part, will never burn Day-Light, if she -can help it.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Lord, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>, one can’t -hear one’s own Ears for you.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Indeed, Madam, it is -Blind-Man’s Holiday; we shall soon be -all of a Colour.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[187]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, then, Miss, we may -kiss where we like best.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Fogh! these Men talk of nothing -but kissing.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>She spits.</i></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> What, Miss, does it make -your Mouth water?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> It is as good be in the -Dark as without Light; therefore pray -bring in Candles: They say, Women -and Linen shew best by Candle-Light: -Come, Gentlemen, are you for a Party at -Quadrille?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I’ll make one with you three -Ladies.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I’ll sit down, and be a -Stander-by.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> [<i>to Lady Answ.</i>] Madam, -does your Ladyship never play?</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> Yes; I suppose her Ladyship -plays sometimes for an Egg at <i>Easter</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Ay; and a Kiss at <i>Christmas</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> Come, Mr. <i>Neverout</i>; -hold your Tongue, and mind your -Knitting.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> With all my Heart; kiss -my Wife, and welcome.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[188]</a></span></p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>The</i> Colonel, <i>Mr.</i> Neverout, <i>Lady</i> Smart -<i>and</i> Miss <i>go to Quadrille, and sit till -Three in the Morning</i>.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>They rise from Cards.</i>]</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> Well, Miss, you’ll have a -sad Husband, you have such good Luck -at Cards.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Indeed, Miss, you dealt me -sad Cards; if you deal so ill by your -Friends, what will you do with your -Enemies?</p> - -<p><i>Lady Answ.</i> I’m sure ’tis time for -honest Folks to be a-bed.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Indeed my Eyes draws Straw.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>She’s almost asleep.</i></p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Why, Miss, if you fall asleep, -somebody may get a Pair of Gloves.</p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> I’m going to the Land of <i>Nod</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Faith, I’m for <i>Bedfordshire</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Lady Smart.</i> I’m sure I shall sleep -without rocking.</p> - -<p><i>Neverout.</i> Miss, I hope you’ll dream -of your Sweetheart.</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> Oh, no doubt of it: I believe I -shan’t be able to sleep for dreaming of -him.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[189]</a></span></p> - -<p><i>Col.</i> [<i>to Miss.</i>] Madam, shall I have -the Honour to escort you?</p> - -<p><i>Miss.</i> No, Colonel, I thank you; my -Mamma has sent her Chair and Footmen. -Well, my Lady <i>Smart</i>, I’ll give -you Revenge whenever you please.</p> - -<p class="direction">[Footman <i>comes in</i>.</p> - -<p><i>Footman.</i> Madam, the Chairs are waiting.</p> - -<p class="direction">[<i>They all take their Chairs, and -go off.</i></p> - -<p class="center">FINIS.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[190]</a></span></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[191]</a></span></p> - -<h2 id="ILLUSTRATIVE_NOTES">ILLUSTRATIVE NOTES.</h2> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[192]</a></span></p> - -<hr /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[193]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_5">Page 5</a></span>, l. 1. 1695.—This date, and the previous -“more than forty years past,” are of course -adjusted to the date of the book’s appearance. -See Introduction for its probable chronology.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_5">Page 5</a></span>, l. 18. For “because” I am half inclined -to read “became”—a very likely misprint.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_6">Page 6</a></span>, ll. 4-10. “<i>Twelve ... Sixteen.</i>”—This -would bring us to 1723, which may or -may not mark the date of a version of the -“Conversation.” The first “Twelve” would -almost exactly coincide with the “Essay on -Conversation” referred to above.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_12">Page 12</a></span>, l. 18. “<i>Isaac the Dancing-Master.</i>”—Called -by Steele in “Tatler,” No. 34, “my -namesake Isaac.” He is best known by Soame -Jenyns’ couplet:—</p> - -<div class="poetry-container"> -<div class="poetry"> -<div class="verse">“And Isaac’s rigadoon shall live as long</div> -<div class="verse">As Raphael’s painting or as Virgil’s song.”</div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>He was, as became his profession, a Frenchman. -Southey refers to him in “The Doctor.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_16">Page 16</a></span>, l. 6. “<i>Comedies and other fantastick -Writings.</i>”—Where they will be found, as -the ingenious Mr. Wagstaff says, “strewed here -and there.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_16">Pages 16, 17.</a></span>—“<i>Graham. D. of R. E. of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[194]</a></span> -E. Lord and Lady H.</i>”—I do not know that -attempts at identifying these shadowy personages -would be very wise. But the date assigned -to the Colonel is one of the marks of -long incubation. “Towards the end” of Charles -II.’s reign would be about 1684. A fine gentleman -of that day might very well have been -Mr. Wagstaff’s “companion” had the latter -written in 1710—less well had he written a -quarter of a century later.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_18">Page 18</a></span>, l. 24.—Swift, like a good Tory and -Churchman, never forgave Burnet.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_21">Page 21</a></span>, l. 2. “<i>Selling of Bargains</i>” is the -returning of a coarse answer to a question or -other remark. So in Dorset’s charming poem -about “This Bess of my heart, this Bess of my -soul.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_24">Page 24</a></span>, l. 26. “<i>Great Ornaments of Style</i>,” -or, as it hath been put otherwise, “<i>a grand set-off -to conversation</i>.”—Observe that in these passages -as to Free-Thinking and Oaths, Swift -maintains his invariable attitude as to profanity.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_25">Page 25</a></span>, last line. “<i>Poet.</i>”—I know him not, if -he ever existed save as a maggot of Swift’s brain.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_26">Page 26</a></span>, l. 13. “<i>Sir John Perrot.</i>”—Deputy -of Ireland and a stout soldier, but an unlucky -politician. He died in the Tower, where he is -not unlikely to have had leisure and reason to -perfect himself in commination.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_31">Page 31</a></span>, l. 16. “<i>Lilly.</i>”—The Latin grammarian, -of course, not the astrologer.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_32">Page 32</a></span>, l. 12. “<i>e’n’t</i>” I presume to be identical -with <i>ain’t</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_36">Page 36</a></span>, l. 21. It may seem strange that<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[195]</a></span> -Mr. Wagstaff, who loves not books and scholars, -should refer to a grave philosopher. But fine -gentlemen in his youth had to know or seem to -know their Hobbes.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_38">Page 38</a></span>, l. 26. “<i>Please.</i>”—<i>sic</i> in orig.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_41">Page 41</a>.</span>—In this page Swift strikes in with -his friends against the “dunces.” One may -suspect that Tom Brown was in the first -draught, and perhaps Dennis, Ward and Gildon -being added later.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_42">Page 42</a></span>, l. 6.—Ozell, the translator of Rabelais. -Stevens I do not know or have forgotten, -and the “Dunciad” knows him not.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_44">Page 44</a></span>, l. 26. “<i>The Craftsman.</i>”—This must -be one of the latest additions, the “Craftsman” -being the organ of Pulteney and the Opposition -in the great Walpolian battle.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_46">Page 46</a></span>, ll. 11, 17. “<i>Another for Alexander!</i>”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_50">Page 50</a></span>, l. 21. “<i>Those of Sir Isaac.</i>”—Mr. -Craik and others have noticed that Swift’s -grammar, especially in unrevised pieces, is not -always impeccable. But this, like other things -in this Introduction, is clearly writ in character, -the character of the more polite than pedantic -Wagstaff.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_56">Page 56</a></span>, l. 26. “<i>Wit at Will.</i>”—Readers of -the minor and even of the greater writers of the -late sixteenth and early seventeenth centuries -will remember the interminable jingles and -plays on these two words wherever they could -be introduced. The phrase “Wit at will” -survived most of its companions as a catchword.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_58">Page 58</a></span>, l. 3. “<i>Queen Elizabeth’s dead.</i>”—A<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[196]</a></span> -minute philosopher might be pleased with the -inquiry when Queen Anne superseded her gracious -predecessor in this phrase. Naturally that -time had not come when the “Conversation” -was first planned.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_59">Page 59</a></span>, l. 2. “<i>Push-pin.</i>”—Allusions to this -old children’s game are very common in the -seventeenth century; rare, I think, in the -eighteenth.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_64">Page 64</a></span>, l. 20. “<i>Vardi.</i>”—See Introduction, -p. 32, where the form is “Verdi.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_65">Page 65</a></span>, l. 28. “<i>Lob’s pound</i>” means an inextricable -difficulty. In Dekker’s paraphrase of -the “Quinze Joyes du Mariage,” it is used to -render the French <i>dans la nasse</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_72">Page 72</a></span>, l. 1. I do not understand “<i>Map-sticks</i>.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_76">Page 76</a></span>, ll. 3, 4. “<i>Cooking.</i>”—<i>I.e.</i> (as I suppose), -putting the bread-and-butter in the tea. -I believe this atrocious practice is not absolutely -obsolete yet.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_76">Page 76</a></span>, last line but one. “<i>Head for the -washing.</i>”—I think this is quite dead in English; -<i>laver la tête</i> is of course still excellent French for -to scold or rate.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_79">Page 79</a></span>, l. 3. “<i>A Lord.</i>”—Lord Grimstone, -whose production made the wits merry for a -long time. He is Pope’s “booby Lord,” and -this absurd play (which, however, he is said to -have written at the age of 13), was reprinted in -his despite by the Duchess of Marlborough, -with whom he had an election quarrel. <i>Lady -Sparkish</i> is in orig., but is probably a slip for -Lady Answerall.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[197]</a></span></p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_82">Page 82</a></span>, l. 23. “<i>The Lord of the Lord knows -what.</i>”—A peerage revived with slightly altered -title by Peter Simple’s shipmates in favour of -“the Lord Nozoo.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_103">Page 103</a></span>, l. 4. “<i>Ld. Smart.</i>”—Erratum for -“Ld. Sparkish.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_103">Page 103</a></span>, l. 13. “<i>Tantiny Pig.</i>”—The pig -usually assigned as companion to St. Anthony.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_105">Page 105</a></span>, l. 26. “<i>Poles.</i>”—St. Paul’s.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_109">Page 109</a></span>, l. 4. “<i>Jommetry.</i>”—See Introduction.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_110">Page 110</a></span>, l. 7.—I do not know the origin of -Miss’s catchword. Julia, the heroine of Dryden’s -“Amboyna,” had used it beforehand.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_111">Page 111</a></span>, l. 25. “<i>Tansy</i>” has two senses, a -plant and a sort of custard. The reader may -choose which suits the circumstances best for -metaphorical explanation.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_112">Page 112</a></span>, l. 11. “<i>Otomy</i>,” for “anatomy,” -“skeleton.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_114">Page 114</a></span>, l. 17. “<i>Ld. Smart</i>” again for “Ld. -Sparkish;” at the foot of the next page for “<i>Lady</i> -Smart.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_117">Page 117</a></span>, last line. “<i>Smoke</i>,” “look at;” -later, “twig.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_118">Page 118</a></span>, l. 13. “<i>Lady Sparkish</i>,” probably -for “Lady Smart,” as being hostess.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_121">Page 121</a></span>, last line. “<i>Inkle.</i>”—Ribbon or tape.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_129">Page 129</a></span>, l. 8. Scott has borrowed this -vigorous protest of Miss in one of his private -letters.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_131">Page 131</a></span>, l. 7. “<i>Ld. Sparkish</i>” should evidently -be “Ld. Smart.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_135">Page 135</a></span>, l. 14. “<i>Kept a Corner for a Venison<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[198]</a></span> -Pasty.</i>”—Which Dr. Goldsmith remembered in -immortal verse.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_140">Page 140</a></span>, l. 12. I do not know whether this -speech was meant for Lord Sparkish or Lady -Answerall.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_143">Page 143</a></span>, ll. 1, 3. An unnecessary double -entry, but right in the attribution.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_145">Page 145</a></span>, l. 9. “<i>In my Tip</i>,” “as I am -drinking.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_161">Page 161</a></span>, l. 4. “<i>Weily rosten</i>,” should probably -be “<i>b</i>rosten,” <i>i.e.</i>, “well-nigh burst.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_162">Page 162</a></span>, l. 9. Lord Smart might make this -speech; but from the answer it would seem to -be his Lady’s.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_165">Page 165</a></span>, l. 13.—I don’t know whether Swift, -who never forgot his feud with “Cousin Dryden,” -was indulging in a half-gird at “The corruption -of a poet is the generation of a critic.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_176">Page 176</a></span>, l. 8. “<i>Concealer.</i>”—A brilliant pun -on “Counsellor.”</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_181">Page 181</a></span>, l. 24. “<i>A Bone in my Leg.</i>”—This -odd phrase for a peculiar cramp in the leg is -not dead yet.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_183">Page 183</a></span>, l. 21. “<i>Quare.</i>”—David Q., died -in 1724. He had invented repeaters, and -throughout the eighteenth century was what -Tompion was later among watchmakers, what -Joe Manton was long among gunmakers, a -name to conjure with and to quote.</p> - -<p><span class="smcap"><a href="#Page_184">Page 184</a></span>, l. 24. “<i>Box it about; ’twill -come to my Father.</i>”—The famous Jacobite cant-phrase -for breeding disturbance in hopes of a -fresh Revolution.</p> - -<p class="top3">CHISWICK PRESS:—CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO.,<br /> -TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE.</p> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Polite Conversation, by Jonathan Swift - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLITE CONVERSATION *** - -***** This file should be named 60186-h.htm or 60186-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/1/8/60186/ - -Produced by MWS and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from -images generously made available by The Internet -Archive/American Libraries.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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