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You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Polite Conversation - In Three Dialogues by Jonathan Swift with Introduction and - Notes by George Saintsbury - -Author: Jonathan Swift - -Editor: George Saintsbury - -Release Date: August 26, 2019 [EBook #60186] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLITE CONVERSATION *** - - - - -Produced by MWS and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from -images generously made available by The Internet -Archive/American Libraries.) - - - - - - - - - - -Chiswick Press Editions - -POLITE CONVERSATION - - ⁂ _This Edition is limited to Five Hundred copies, viz.:_ - - _50 on Japanese Vellum, numbered 1 to 50._ - _450 on Handmade paper, numbered 51 to 500._ - - _This is No. 438._ - - - - -[Illustration: IONATHAN SWIFT S. T. D. - -_Decanus Ecclesia Cathedralis Sancti Patricy DUBLIN._ - -_Carolus Jervacius Pictor Reg. Pinxit._ _Geo. Vertue Londini Sculpsit_] - - - - - POLITE CONVERSATION - IN THREE DIALOGUES BY - JONATHAN SWIFT WITH INTRODUCTION - AND NOTES - BY GEORGE SAINTSBURY - - [Illustration] - - LONDON PRINTED AND ISSUED BY - CHARLES WHITTINGHAM & CO AT - THE CHISWICK PRESS MDCCCXCII - - - - -CONTENTS. - - - PAGE - - EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION vii - - INTRODUCTION TO THE DIALOGUES 3 - - DIALOGUE I. 53 - - DIALOGUE II. 127 - - DIALOGUE III. 173 - - ILLUSTRATIVE NOTES 191 - - - - -EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION. - - -In some ways nothing could be a better introduction to the “Polite -Conversation” than the account of it which Mr. Thackeray has given in -his “English Humourists” (though under the head of Steele, not Swift), -as illustrating the society of the period. That account is in its way -not much less of a classic than the immortal original itself, and it is -purely delightful. But it neither deals nor pretends to deal with the -whole of the subject. Indeed, the idea of Swift’s character which the -“Conversation” gives does not square altogether well with the view—true, -but one-sided—which it suited Mr. Thackeray to take of Swift. - -The “Conversation” appeared very late in Swift’s life, and he himself -derived no pecuniary benefit from it. He had, with that almost careless -generosity which distinguished him side by side with an odd kind -of parsimony, given the manuscript to a not particularly reputable -_protégée_ of his, Mrs. Barber, about 1736, and its first edition—a copy -of which, presented to me by my friend Mr. Austin Dobson no small number -of years ago, is here reproduced—bears date 1738, and was published -in London by Motte and Bathurst. The composition, however, dates, as -is known to a practical certainty, many years earlier. It is beyond -any reasonable doubt identical with the “Essay on Conversation” which -Swift noted as written or planned in 1708-10. The _nom de guerre_ on -the title-page and to the introduction is Simon Wagstaff, one of the -literary family of Staffs fathered by Swift and Steele in “Tatler” times. -The manners are evidently those of Queen Anne’s day, and the whole -chronology of the introduction (which, it will be seen, has all Swift’s -mock carefulness and exactitude) is adjusted to the first decade of the -eighteenth century. A hundred years later Scott (whose own evident relish -for the “Conversation” struggled somewhat with a desire to apologise -for its coarseness to the decencies even of his own day), hazarded the -opinion that the abundance of proverbial expressions must be set down to -the Dean’s own fancy, not to actual truth of reporting. It is always with -great diffidence that I venture to differ with Sir Walter; but I think -he was wrong here. One piece of indirect evidence—the extreme energy -with which Chesterfield, at no very distant date from the publication, -but after a lapse of fully a generation from the probable composition -of the dialogues, inveighs against this very practice—would seem to be -sufficient to establish its authenticity. For polite society, where its -principles are not, as they generally are, pretty constant, is never -so bitter as against those practices which were the mode and are now -_démodés_. - -But if anyone thinks this argument paradoxical, there are plenty more. -The conversation of the immortal eight corresponds exactly to that of the -comedies of the time, and the times just earlier, which were written by -the finest gentlemen. It meets us, of course less brilliantly put, in the -“Wentworth Papers” and other documents of the time; and its very faults -are exactly those which Steele and Addison, like their predecessors of -the other sex in the Hotel Rambouillet sixty or seventy years earlier, -were, just when these dialogues were written, setting themselves to -correct. We know, of course, that Swift moved in a world of middle and -even not always upper middle class society, as well as in the great -world; and that, perhaps, at the date of the actual composition of this -piece, he had not reached his fullest familiarity with the latter. But -I have myself very little doubt that the dialogues express and were -fully justified by the conversation he had actually heard among the less -decorous visitors at Temple’s solemn board, in the livelier household -of Lord Berkeley, in the circles of Ormond and Pembroke, and during his -first initiation after 1707 in London society proper. How far he may have -subsequently polished and altered the thing it is impossible to say; that -he had done so to some extent is obvious from such simple matters as the -use of the word “king” instead of “queen,” from the allusions to the -“Craftsman,” and others. I doubt whether the picture became substantially -false till far into the reign of George II., if it even became so then. - -There are those, of whom, as Mr. Wagstaff would himself say, “I have the -honour to be one,” who put the “Polite Conversation” in the very front -rank of Swift’s works. It is of course on a far less ambitious scale -than “Gulliver;” it has not the youthful audacity and towering aim of -the “Tale of a Tub;” it lacks the practical and businesslike cogency -of the “Drapier;” the absolute perfection and unrivalled irony of the -“Modest Proposal” and the “Argument against abolishing Christianity.” -But what it wants in relation to each of these masterpieces in some -respects it makes up in others; and it is distinctly the superior of its -own nearest analogue, the “Directions to Servants.” It is never unequal; -it never flags; it never forces the note. Nobody, if he likes it at all, -can think it too long; nobody, however much he may like it, can fail to -see that Swift was wise not to make it longer. One of its charms is the -complete variation between the introduction and the dialogues themselves. -The former follows throughout, even to the rather unnecessary striking -in with literary quarrels, the true vein of Swiftian irony, where -almost every sentence expresses the exact contrary of the author’s real -sentiments, and where the putative writer is made to exhibit himself -as ridiculous while discoursing to his own complete satisfaction. It -exhibits also, although in a minor key, the peculiar pessimism which -excites the shudders of some and the admiration of others in the great -satires on humanity enumerated above. - -But the dialogues themselves are quite different. They are, with -the exception of the lighter passages in the “Journal to Stella,” -infinitely the most good-natured things in Swift. The characters are -scarcely satirized; they are hardly caricatured. Not one of them is made -disagreeable, not one of them offensively ridiculous. Even poor Sir John -Linger, despite the scarce concealed scorn and pity of his companions -and the solemn compassion of good Mr. Wagstaff, is let off very easily. -The very “scandal-mongering” has nothing of the ferocity of the “Plain -Dealer” long before, and the “School for Scandal” long after it; the -excellent Ladies Smart and Answerall tear their neighbours’ characters -to pieces with much relish but with no malignity. The former, for all -her cut-and-dried phrases, is an excellently hospitable hostess, and -“her own lord” is as different as possible from the brutal heroes of -Restoration comedy, and from the yawning sour-blooded rakes of quality -whom a later generation of painters in words and colours were to portray. -There is, of course, not a little which would now be horribly coarse, -but one knows that it was not in the least so then. And in it, as in -the scandal-mongering, there is no bad blood. Tom and the Colonel and -Lord Sparkish are fine gentlemen with very loose-hung tongues, and not -very strait-laced consciences. But there is nothing about them of the -inhumanity which to some tastes spoils the heroes of Congreve and of -Vanbrugh. - -As for “Miss,” no doubt she says some things which it would be unpleasant -to hear one’s sister or one’s beloved say now. But I fell in love with -her when I was about seventeen, I think; and from that day to this I -have never wavered for one minute in my affection for her. If she is of -coarser mould than Millamant, how infinitely does she excel her in flesh -and blood—excellent things in woman! She is only here—“this ‘Miss’ of our -heart, this ‘Miss’ of our soul,”—here and in a letter or two of the time. -The dramatists and the essayists and the poets made her a baggage or a -Lydia Languish, a Miss Hoyden or a minx, when they tried her. Hogarth -was not enough of a gentleman and Kneller not enough of a genius to put -her on canvas. When the regular novelists began, sensibility had set its -clutch on heroines. But here she is as Swift saw her—Swift whom every -woman whom he knew either loved or hated, and who must, therefore, have -known something about women, for all his persistent maltreatment of them. -And here, as I have said, the maltreatment ceases. If the handling is -not very delicate, it is utterly true, and by no means degrading. There -is even dignity in Miss. For all her romps, and her broad speeches, -and her more than risky repartees, she knows perfectly well how to pull -up her somewhat unpolished admirers when they go too far. And when at -three o’clock in the morning, with most of the winnings in her pocket, -she demurely refuses the Colonel’s escort (indeed it might have had its -dangers), observing, “No, Colonel, thank you; my mamma has sent her chair -and footmen,” and leaves the room with the curtsey we can imagine, the -picture is so delightful that unholy dreams come upon one. How agreeable -it would have been to hire the always available villains, overcome those -footmen, put Miss in a coach and six, and secure the services of the also -always available parson, regardless of the feelings of my mamma and of -the swords of Tom and the Colonel, though not of Miss’s own goodwill! -For I should not envy anyone who had tried to play otherwise than on the -square with Miss Notable. - -For Mr. Wagstaff’s hero I have, as no doubt is natural, by no means as -much admiration as for his “heroin.” Mr. Thomas Neverout is a lively -youth enough, but considerably farther from the idea—and that not merely -the modern idea—of a gentleman, than Miss with all her astounding licence -of speech is from the idea—and that not merely the modern idea—of a lady. -It is observable that he seldom or never gets the better of her except by -mere coarseness, and that he has too frequent recourse to the expedient -which even Mr. Wagstaff had the sense to see was not a great evidence of -wit, the use of some innuendo or other, at which she is obliged to blush -or to pretend want of understanding. At fair weapons she almost always -puts him down. In fact, the Colonel, though not precisely a genius, is -the better fellow of the two. I do not know whether it was intentional -or not, but it is to be observed that my Lord Sparkish, though quite -as “smart” in the new-old sense of which this very work is the _locus -classicus_, as the two commoners, is cleaner by a good deal in his -language. It is unlike Mr. Wagstaff’s usual precision of information that -he gives us no details about Lady Answerall. If there is any indication -to show whether she was wife or widow, I have missed it in many readings; -but I think she, though still young, was the eldest of the three ladies, -and she certainly was handsome. Lady Smart I take to have been plain, -from her disparaging reference to Miss: “The girl’s well enough if she -had but another nose.” I resent this reference to a feature which I am -sure was charming (it was probably _retroussé_; it was certainly not -aquiline); and as Lady Smart was clearly not ill-natured, it follows that -she must have been herself either a recognized beauty or not beautiful. -We should have had some intimation of the former had it been the case, so -I incline to the latter. She had children, and was evidently on the best -of terms with her husband, which is very satisfactory. - -If it were not for Miss and the dinner—two objects of perennial interest -to all men of spirit and taste—I am not sure that I should not prefer the -introduction to the conversations themselves. It is indispensable to the -due understanding of the latter, and I cannot but think that Thackeray -unjustifiably overlooked the excuse it contains for the somewhat -miscellaneous and Gargantuan character of the feast which excited his -astonishment and horror. But it would be delightful in itself if we were -so unfortunate as to have lost the conversations, and, as I have already -said, its delight is of a strangely different kind from theirs. Although -there are more magnificent and more terrible, more poignant and more -whimsical examples of the marvellous Swiftian irony, I do not know that -there is any more justly proportioned, more exquisitely modulated, more -illustrative of that wonderful keeping which is the very essence and -quiddity of the Dean’s humour. - -Some things have been lately said, as they are always said from time -to time, about the contrast between the Old humour and the New. The -contrast, I venture to think, is wrongly stated. It is not a contrast -between the old and the new, but, in the first place, between the -perennial and the temporary, and in the second between two kinds of -humour which, to do them justice, are both perennial enough—the humour -which is quiet, subtle, abstracted, independent of catchwords and cant -phrases, and the humour which is broad, loud, gesticulative, and prone to -rely upon cant phrases and catchwords. Swift has illustrated the two in -the two parts of this astonishing book, and whoso looks into the matter -a little narrowly will have no difficulty in finding this out. Far be it -from me to depreciate the “newer” kind, but I may be permitted to think -it the lower. It is certainly the easier. The perpetual stream of irony -which Swift pours out here in so quiet yet so steady a flow, is the most -difficult of all things to maintain in its perfection. Not more, perhaps, -than half-a-dozen writers in all literature, of whom the three chiefs are -Lucian, Pascal, and Swift himself, have been quite masters of it, and of -these three Swift is the mightiest. Sink below the requisite proportion -of bitterness and the thing becomes flat; exceed that proportion and it -is nauseous. Perhaps, as one is always fain to persuade oneself in such -cases, a distinct quality of palate is required to taste, as well as a -distinct power of genius to brew it. It is certain that though there -are some in all times who relish this kind of humour (and this is what -gives it its supremacy, for examples of the other kind are, at other -than their own times, frequently not relished by anybody), they are not -often found in large numbers. The liquor is too dry for many tastes; it -has too little froth, if not too little sparkle for others. The order of -architecture is too unadorned, depends too much upon the bare attraction -of symmetry and form, to charm some eyes. But those who have the taste -never lose it, never change it, never are weary of gratifying it. Of -irony, as of hardly any other thing under the sun, cometh no satiety to -the born ironist. - -It may be well to end this brief preface by a few words on the principles -of editing which I have adopted. There is no omission whatever, except -of a very few words—not, I think, half a score in all—which were barely -permissible to mouths polite even then, and which now are almost banished -from even free conversation. Nor have even these omissions been allowed -to mutilate the passages in which they occur; for on Mr. Wagstaff’s own -excellent principle, the harmless necessary “blank, which the sagacious -reader may fill up in his own mind,” has replaced them. - -In respect of annotation the methods of the collection in which this book -appears did not permit of any very extensive commentary; and I could -not be sorry for this. Anything like full _scholia_ on the proverbs, -catchwords, and so forth used, would be enormously voluminous, and a very -dull overlaying of matter ill-sortable with dulness. Besides, much of -the phraseology is intelligible to anybody intelligent, and not a very -little is not yet obsolete in the mouths of persons of no particular -originality. You may still hear men and women, not necessarily destitute -either of birth, breeding, or sense, say of such a thing that “they like -it, but it does not like them,” that such another thing “comes from a hot -place,” with other innocent _clichés_ of the kind. But in some places -where assistance seemed really required I have endeavoured to give it. -Among such cases I have not included the attempt to identify “the D. of -R.,” “the E. of E.,” “Lord and Lady H.,” etc. I am afraid it would be -falling too much into the humour of good Mr. Wagstaff himself to examine -with the help of much Collins the various persons whose initials and -titles might possibly correspond with these during the nearly sixty years -between Mr. Wagstaff’s coming of age and the appearance of his work at -the Middle Temple Gate in Fleet Street. The persons named at full length -are generally, if not universally real, and more or less well known. -Enough to inform or remind the reader of these has, I hope, been inserted -in the Notes. But the fact is, that, like most great writers, though not -all, Swift is really not in need of much annotation. It is not that he -is not allusive—I hardly know any great writer who is not—but that his -allusions explain themselves to a reader of average intelligence quite -sufficiently for the understanding of the context, though not, it may be, -sufficiently to enable him to “satisfy the examiners.” It does not, for -instance, matter in the least whether the “infamous Court chaplain,” who -taught the maids of honour not to believe in Hell was Hoadley, or who he -was. His cap may even have fitted several persons at different times. In -such a display of literary skill at arms as this the glitter of the blade -and the swashing blow of its wielder are the points of interest, not the -worthless carrion into which it was originally thrust. But “worthless -carrion” is not Polite Conversation: so let me leave the reader to what -is.[1] - - GEORGE SAINTSBURY. - -[1] The piece is on the whole fairly well printed; but the speeches are -sometimes wrongly assigned. Attention is called to this in the notes; but -the real speaker is generally evident. - - - - - A COMPLETE - - COLLECTION - - Of GENTEEL and INGENIOUS - - CONVERSATION, - - According to the Most - - Polite Mode and Method - - Now USED - - At COURT, and in the BEST - - COMPANIES of ENGLAND. - - In THREE DIALOGUES. - - By _SIMON WAGSTAFF_, Esq.; - - _LONDON_: - Printed for B. MOTTE, and C. BATHURST, at - the _Middle Temple-Gate_ in _Fleet-Street_. - M.DCC.XXXVIII. - - - - -AN INTRODUCTION TO THE FOLLOWING TREATISE. - - -As my Life hath been chiefly spent in consulting the Honour and Welfare -of my Country for more than Forty Years past, not without answerable -Success, if the World and my Friends have not flattered me; so, there -is no Point wherein I have so much labour’d, as that of improving and -polishing all Parts of Conversation between Persons of Quality, whether -they meet by Accident or Invitation, at Meals, Tea, or Visits, Mornings, -Noons, or Evenings. - -I have passed perhaps more time than any other Man of my Age and -Country in Visits and Assemblees, where the polite Persons of both -Sexes distinguish themselves; and could not without much Grief observe -how frequently both Gentlemen and Ladies are at a Loss for Questions, -Answers, Replies and Rejoinders: However, my Concern was much abated, -when I found that these Defects were not occasion’d by any Want of -Materials, but because those Materials were not in every Hand: For -Instance, One Lady can give an Answer better than ask a Question: One -Gentleman is happy at a Reply; another excels in a Rejoinder: One can -revive a languishing Conversation by a sudden surprizing Sentence; -another is more dextrous in seconding; a Third can fill the Gap with -laughing, or commending what hath been said: Thus fresh Hints may be -started, and the Ball of Discourse kept up. - -But, alas! this is too seldom the Case, even in the most select -Companies: How often do we see at Court, at public Visiting-Days, at -great Men’s Levees, and other Places of general Meeting, that the -Conversation falls and drops to nothing, like a Fire without Supply of -Fuel; this is what we ought to lament; and against this dangerous Evil I -take upon me to affirm, that I have in the following Papers provided an -infallible Remedy. - -It was in the Year 1695, and the Sixth of his late Majesty King -_William_, the Third, of ever glorious and immortal Memory, who rescued -Three Kingdoms from Popery and Slavery; when, being about the Age of -Six-and-thirty, my Judgment mature, of good Reputation in the World, -and well acquainted with the best Families in Town, I determined to -spend Five Mornings, to dine Four times, pass Three Afternoons, and Six -Evenings every Week, in the Houses of the most polite Families, of which -I would confine myself to Fifty; only changing as the Masters or Ladies -died, or left the Town, or grew out of Vogue, or sunk in their Fortunes, -(which to me was of the highest moment) or because disaffected to the -Government; which Practice I have followed ever since to this very Day; -except when I happened to be sick, or in the Spleen upon cloudy Weather; -and except when I entertained Four of each Sex at my own Lodgings once a -Month, by way of Retaliation. - -I always kept a large Table-Book in my Pocket; and as soon as I left -the Company, I immediately entered the choicest Expressions that passed -during the Visit; which, returning Home, I transcribed in a fair Hand, -but somewhat enlarged; and had made the greatest Part of my Collection -in Twelve Years, but not digested into any Method; for this I found was -a Work of infinite Labour, and what required the nicest Judgment, and -consequently could not be brought to any Degree of Perfection in less -than Sixteen Years more. - -Herein I resolved to exceed the Advice of _Horace_, a _Roman_ Poet, -(which I have read in Mr. _Creech_’s admirable Translation) That an -Author should keep his Works Nine Years in his Closet, before he ventured -to publish them; and finding that I still received some additional -Flowers of Wit and Language, although in a very small Number, I -determined to defer the Publication, to pursue my Design, and exhaust, -if possible, the whole Subject, that I might present a complete System -to the World: For, I am convinced by long Experience, that the Critics -will be as severe as their old Envy against me can make them: I foretel, -they will object, that I have inserted many Answers and Replies which are -neither witty, humorous, polite, or authentic; and have omitted others, -that would have been highly useful, as well as entertaining: But let them -come to Particulars, and I will boldly engage to confute their Malice. - -For these last Six or Seven Years I have not been able to add above Nine -valuable Sentences to inrich my Collection; from whence I conclude, -that what remains will amount only to a Trifle: However, if, after the -Publication of this Work, any Lady or Gentleman, when they have read it, -shall find the least thing of Importance omitted, I desire they will -please to supply my Defects, by communicating to me their Discoveries; -and their Letters may be directed to SIMON WAGSTAFF, Esq; at his Lodgings -next Door to the _Gloucester-Head_ in _St. James’s-street_, (they paying -the Postage). In Return of which Favour, I shall make honourable Mention -of their Names in a short Preface to the Second Edition. - -In the mean time, I cannot but with some Pride, and much Pleasure, -congratulate with my dear Country, which hath outdone all the Nations -of _Europe_ in advancing the whole Art of Conversation to the greatest -Height it is capable of reaching; and therefore being intirely convinced -that the Collection I now offer to the Public is full and complete, I may -at the same time boldly affirm, that the whole Genius, Humour, Politeness -and Eloquence of _England_ are summed up in it: Nor is the Treasure -small, wherein are to be found at least a Thousand shining Questions, -Answers, Repartees, Replies and Rejoinders, fitted to adorn every kind -of Discourse that an Assemblee of _English_ Ladies and Gentlemen, met -together for their mutual Entertainment, can possibly want, especially -when the several Flowers shall be set off and improved by the Speakers, -with every Circumstance of Preface and Circumlocution, in proper Terms; -and attended with Praise, Laughter, or Admiration. - -There is a natural, involuntary Distortion of the Muscles, which is the -anatomical Cause of Laughter: But there is another Cause of Laughter -which Decency requires, and is the undoubted Mark of a good Taste, as -well as of a polite obliging Behaviour; neither is this to be acquired -without much Observation, long Practice, and a sound Judgment: I -did therefore once intend, for the Ease of the Learner, to set down -in all Parts of the following Dialogues certain Marks, Asterisks, or -_Nota-bene’s_ (in _English_, _Markwell’s_) after most Questions, and -every Reply or Answer; directing exactly the Moment when One, Two, or All -the Company are to laugh: But having duly considered, that the Expedient -would too much enlarge the Bulk of the Volume, and consequently the -Price; and likewise that something ought to be left for ingenious Readers -to find out, I have determined to leave that whole Affair, although of -great Importance, to their own Discretion. - -The Readers must learn by all means to distinguish between Proverbs -and those polite Speeches which beautify Conversation: For, as to -the former, I utterly reject them out of all ingenious Discourse. I -acknowledge indeed, that there may possibly be found in this Treatise a -few Sayings, among so great a Number of smart Turns of Wit and Humour, -as I have produced, which have a proverbial Air: However, I hope, it -will be considered, that even these were not originally Proverbs, but -the genuine Productions of superior Wits, to embellish and support -Conversation; from whence, with great Impropriety, as well as Plagiarism -(if you will forgive a hard Word) they have most injuriously been -transferred into proverbial Maxims; and therefore in Justice ought to be -resumed out of vulgar Hands, to adorn the Drawing-Rooms of Princes, both -Male and Female, the Levees of great Ministers, as well as the Toilet and -Tea-table of the Ladies. - -I can faithfully assure the Reader, that there is not one single witty -Phrase in this whole Collection, which hath not received the Stamp and -Approbation of at least one hundred Years, and how much longer, it is -hard to determine; he may therefore be secure to find them all genuine, -sterling, and authentic. - -But before this elaborate Treatise can become of universal Use and -Ornament to my native Country, Two Points, that will require Time and -much Application, are absolutely necessary. - -For, _First_, whatever Person would aspire to be completely witty, smart, -humourous, and polite, must by hard Labour be able to retain in his -Memory every single Sentence contained in this Work, so as never to be -once at a Loss in applying the right Answers, Questions, Repartees, and -the like, immediately, and without Study or Hesitation. - -And, _Secondly_, after a Lady or Gentleman hath so well overcome this -Difficulty, as to be never at a Loss upon any Emergency, the true -Management of every Feature, and almost of every Limb, is equally -necessary; without which an infinite Number of Absurdities will -inevitably ensue: For Instance, there is hardly a polite Sentence in -the following Dialogues which doth not absolutely require some peculiar -graceful Motion in the Eyes, or Nose, or Mouth, or Forehead, or Chin, -or suitable Toss of the Head, with certain Offices assigned to each -Hand; and in Ladies, the whole Exercise of the Fan, fitted to the Energy -of every Word they deliver; by no means omitting the various Turns -and Cadence of the Voice, the Twistings, and Movements, and different -Postures of the Body, the several Kinds and Gradations of Laughter, which -the Ladies must daily practise by the Looking-Glass, and consult upon -them with their Waiting-Maids. - -My Readers will soon observe what a great Compass of real and useful -Knowledge this Science includes; wherein, although Nature, assisted by -a Genius, may be very instrumental, yet a strong Memory and constant -Application, together with Example and Precept, will be highly necessary: -For these Reasons I have often wished, that certain Male and Female -Instructors, perfectly versed in this science, would set up Schools for -the Instruction of young Ladies and Gentlemen therein. - -I remember about thirty Years ago, there was a _Bohemian_ Woman, of that -Species commonly known by the name of _Gypsies_, who came over hither -from _France_, and generally attended ISAAC the Dancing-Master when he -was teaching his Art to Misses of Quality; and while the young Ladies -were thus employed, the _Bohemian_, standing at some distance, but full -in their Sight, acted before them all proper Airs, and turnings of the -Head, and motions of the Hands, and twistings of the Body; whereof you -may still observe the good Effects in several of our elder Ladies. - -After the same manner, it were much to be desired, that some expert -Gentlewomen gone to decay would set up publick Schools, wherein young -Girls of Quality, or great Fortunes, might first be taught to repeat this -following System of Conversation, which I have been at so much pains to -compile; and then to adapt every Feature of their Countenances, every -Turn of their Hands, every Screwing of their Bodies, every Exercise -of their Fans, to the Humour of the Sentences they hear or deliver in -Conversation. But above all to instruct them in every Species and Degree -of Laughing in the proper seasons at their own Wit, or that of the -Company. And, if the Sons of the Nobility and Gentry, instead of being -sent to common Schools, or put into the Hands of Tutors at Home, to learn -nothing but Words, were consigned to able Instructors in the same Art, -I cannot find what Use there could be of Books, except in the hands of -those who are to make Learning their Trade, which is below the Dignity of -Persons born to Titles or Estates. - -It would be another infinite Advantage, that, by cultivating this -Science, we should wholly avoid the Vexations and Impertinence of -Pedants, who affect to talk in a Language not to be understood; and -whenever a polite Person offers accidentally to use any of their -Jargon-Terms, have the Presumption to laugh at Us for pronouncing those -Words in a genteeler Manner. Whereas, I do here affirm, that, whenever -any fine Gentleman or Lady condescends to let a hard Word pass out of -their Mouths, every syllable is smoothed and polished in the Passage; and -it is a true Mark of Politeness, both in Writing and Reading, to vary the -Orthography as well as the Sound; because We are infinitely better Judges -of what will please a distinguishing ear than those, who call themselves -_Scholars_, can possibly be; who, consequently, ought to correct their -Books, and Manner of pronouncing, by the Authority of Our Example, from -whose lips they proceed with infinitely more Beauty and Significancy. - -But, in the mean time, until so great, so useful, and so necessary a -Design can be put in execution, (which, considering the good Disposition -of our Country at present, I shall not despair of living to see) -let me recommend the following Treatise to be carried about as a -Pocket-Companion, by all Gentlemen and Ladies, when they are going to -visit, or dine, or drink Tea; or where they happen to pass the Evening -without Cards, (as I have sometimes known it to be the Case upon -Disappointments or Accidents unforeseen) desiring they would read their -several Parts in their Chairs or Coaches, to prepare themselves for every -kind of Conversation that can possibly happen. - -Although I have in Justice to my Country, allowed the Genius of our -People to excel that of any other Nation upon Earth, and have confirmed -this Truth by an Argument not to be controlled, I mean, by producing -so great a Number of witty Sentences in the ensuing Dialogues, all of -undoubted Authority, as well as of our own Production; yet, I must -confess at the same time, that we are wholly indebted for them to -our Ancestors; at least, for as long as my memory reacheth, I do not -recollect one new Phrase of Importance to have been added; which Defect -in Us Moderns I take to have been occasioned by the Introduction of -Cant-Words in the Reign of King _Charles_ the Second. And those have so -often varied, that hardly one of them, of above a Year’s standing, is now -intelligible; nor any where to be found, excepting a small Number strewed -here and there in the Comedies and other fantastick Writings of that Age. - -The Honourable Colonel JAMES GRAHAM, my old Friend and Companion, did -likewise, towards the End of the same Reign, invent a Set of Words and -Phrases, which continued almost to the Time of his Death. But, as those -Terms of Art were adapted only to Courts and Politicians, and extended -little further than among his particular Acquaintance (of whom I had the -Honour to be one) they are now almost forgotten. - -Nor did the late D. of _R——_ and E. of _E——_ succeed much better, -although they proceeded no further than single Words; whereof, except -_Bite_, _Bamboozle_, and one or two more, the whole Vocabulary is -antiquated. - -The same Fate hath already attended those other Town-Wits, who furnish us -with a great Variety of new Terms, which are annually changed, and those -of the last Season sunk in Oblivion. Of these I was once favoured with a -compleat List by the Right Honourable the Lord and Lady _H——_, with which -I made a considerable Figure one Summer in the Country; but returning -up to Town in Winter, and venturing to produce them again, I was partly -hooted, and partly not understood. - -The only Invention of late Years, which hath any way contributed towards -Politeness in Discourse, is that of abbreviating or reducing Words of -many Syllables into one, by lopping off the rest. This Refinement, having -begun about the Time of the _Revolution_, I had some Share in the Honour -of promoting it, and I observe, to my great Satisfaction, that it makes -daily Advancements, and I hope in Time will raise our Language to the -utmost Perfection; although, I must confess, to avoid Obscurity, I have -been very sparing of this Ornament in the following Dialogues. - -But, as for Phrases, invented to cultivate Conversation, I defy all the -Clubs of Coffee-houses in this town to invent a new one equal in Wit, -Humour, Smartness, or Politeness, to the very worst of my Set; which -clearly shews, either that we are much degenerated, or that the whole -Stock of Materials hath been already employed. I would willingly hope, -as I do confidently believe, the latter; because, having my self, for -several Months, racked my Invention (if possible) to enrich this Treasury -with some Additions of my own (which, however, should have been printed -in a different Character, that I might not be charged with imposing -upon the Publick) and having shewn them to some judicious Friends, they -dealt very sincerely with me; all unanimously agreeing, that mine were -infinitely below the true old Helps to Discourse, drawn up in my present -Collection, and confirmed their Opinion with Reasons, by which I was -perfectly convinced, as well as ashamed, of my great Presumption. - -But, I lately met a much stronger Argument to confirm me in the same -Sentiments: For, as the great Bishop BURNET, of _Salisbury_, informs -us in the Preface to his admirable _History of his own Times_, that -he intended to employ himself in polishing it every Day of his Life, -(and indeed in its Kind it is almost equally polished with this Work of -mine:) So, it hath been my constant Business, for some Years past, to -examine, with the utmost Strictness, whether I could possibly find the -smallest Lapse in Style or Propriety through my whole Collection, that, -in Emulation with the Bishop, I might send it abroad as the most finished -Piece of the Age. - -It happened one Day as I was dining in good Company of both Sexes, and -watching, according to my Custom, for new Materials wherewith to fill my -Pocket-Book, I succeeded well enough till after Dinner, when the Ladies -retired to their Tea, and left us over a Bottle of Wine. But I found we -were not able to furnish any more Materials, that were worth the Pains of -transcribing: For, the Discourse of the Company was all degenerated into -smart Sayings of their own Invention, and not of the true old Standard; -so that, in absolute Despair, I withdrew, and went to attend the Ladies -at their Tea. From whence I did then conclude, and still continue to -believe, either that Wine doth not inspire Politeness, or that our Sex is -not able to support it without the Company of Women, who never fail to -lead us into the right Way, and there to keep us. - -It much encreaseth the Value of these Apophthegms, that unto them we -owe the Continuance of our Language, for at least an hundred Years; -neither is this to be wondered at; because indeed, besides the Smartness -of the Wit, and Fineness of the Raillery, such is the Propriety and -Energy of Expression in them all, that they never can be changed, but to -Disadvantage, except in the Circumstance of using Abbreviations; which, -however, I do not despair, in due Time, to see introduced, having already -met them at some of the Choice Companies in town. - -Although this Work be calculated for all Persons of Quality and Fortune -of both Sexes; yet the Reader may perceive, that my particular View was -to the OFFICERS of the ARMY, the GENTLEMEN of the INNS of COURTS, and of -BOTH the UNIVERSITIES; to all COURTIERS, Male and Female, but principally -to the MAIDS of HONOUR, of whom I have been personally acquainted with -two-and-twenty Sets, all excelling in this noble Endowment; till for -some Years past, I know not how, they came to degenerate into Selling -of BARGAINS, and FREE-THINKING; not that I am against either of these -Entertainments at proper Seasons, in compliance with Company, who -may want a Taste for more exalted Discourse, whose Memories may be -short, who are too young to be perfect in their Lessons. Or (although -it be hard to conceive) who have no Inclination to read and learn my -Instructions. And besides, there is a strong Temptation for Court-Ladies -to fall into the two Amusements above-mentioned, that they may avoid -the Censure of affecting Singularity, against the general Current and -Fashion of all about them: But, however, no Man will pretend to affirm, -that either BARGAINS or BLASPHEMY, which are the principal Ornaments -of FREE-THINKING, are so good a Fund of polite Discourse, as what is -to be met with in my Collection. For, as to BARGAINS, few of them seem -to be excellent in their kind, and have not much Variety, because they -all terminate in one single Point; and, to multiply them, would require -more Invention than People have to spare. And, as to BLASPHEMY or -FREE-THINKING, I have known some scrupulous Persons, of both Sexes, who, -by a prejudiced Education, are afraid of Sprights. I must, however, -except the MAIDS of HONOUR, who have been fully convinced, by an infamous -Court-Chaplain, that there is no such Place as Hell. - -I cannot, indeed, controvert the Lawfulness of FREE-THINKING, because -it hath been universally allowed, that Thought is free. But, however, -although it may afford a large Field of Matter; yet in my poor Opinion, -it seems to contain very little of Wit or Humour; because it hath -not been antient enough among us to furnish established authentick -Expressions, I mean, such as must receive a Sanction from the polite -World, before their Authority can be allowed; neither was the Art of -BLASPHEMY or FREE-THINKING invented by the Court, or by Persons of great -Quality, who, properly speaking, were Patrons, rather than Inventors of -it; but first brought in by the Fanatick Faction, towards the end of -their Power, and, after the Restoration, carried to _Whitehall_ by the -converted _Rumpers_, with very good Reasons; because they knew, that -K. _Charles_ the Second, who, from a wrong Education, occasioned by -the Troubles of his Father, had Time enough to observe, that Fanatick -Enthusiasm directly led to Atheism, which agreed with the dissolute -Inclinations of his Youth; and, perhaps, these Principles were farther -cultivated in him by the _French_ Huguenots, who have been often charged -with spreading them among us: However, I cannot see where the Necessity -lies, of introducing new and foreign Topicks for Conversation, while we -have so plentiful a Stock of our own Growth. - -I have likewise, for some Reasons of equal Weight, been very sparing -in DOUBLE ENTENDRES; because they often put Ladies upon affected -Constraints, and affected Ignorance. In short, they break, or very much -entangle, the Thread of Discourse; neither am I Master of any Rules, to -settle the disconcerted Countenances of the Females in such a Juncture; -I can, therefore, only allow _Inuendoes_ of this Kind to be delivered in -Whispers, and only to young Ladies under Twenty, who, being in Honour -obliged to blush, it may produce a new Subject for Discourse. - -Perhaps the Criticks may accuse me of a Defect in my following System -of POLITE CONVERSATION; that there is one great Ornament of Discourse, -whereof I have not produced a single Example; which, indeed, I purposely -omitted for some Reasons that I shall immediately offer; and, if those -Reasons will not satisfy the Male Part of my gentle Readers, the Defect -may be supplied in some manner by an _Appendix_ to the _Second Edition_; -which _Appendix_ shall be printed by it self, and sold for _Sixpence_, -stitched, and with a Marble Cover, that my Readers may have no Occasion -to complain of being defrauded. - -The Defect I mean is, my not having inserted, into the Body of my Book, -all the OATHS now most in Fashion for embellishing Discourse; especially -since it could give no Offence to the _Clergy_, who are seldom or never -admitted to these polite Assemblies. And it must be allowed, that Oaths, -well chosen, are not only very useful Expletives to Matter, but great -Ornaments of Style. - -What I shall here offer in my own Defence upon this important Article, -will, I hope, be some Extenuation of my Fault. - -First, I reasoned with my self, that a just Collection of Oaths, repeated -as often as the Fashion requires, must have enlarged this Volume, at -least, to Double the Bulk; whereby it would not only double the Charge, -but likewise make the Volume less commodious for Pocket-Carriage. - -Secondly, I have been assured by some judicious Friends, that themselves -have known certain Ladies to take Offence (whether seriously or no) at -too great a Profusion of Cursing and Swearing, even when that Kind of -Ornament was not improperly introduced; which, I confess, did startle me -not a little; having never observed the like in the Compass of my own -several Acquaintance, at least for twenty Years past. However, I was -forced to submit to wiser Judgments than my own. - -Thirdly, as this most useful Treatise is calculated for all future Times, -I considered, in this Maturity of my Age, how great a Variety of Oaths I -have heard since I began to study the World, and to know Men and Manners. -And here I found it to be true what I have read in an antient Poet. - - “For, now-a-days, Men change their Oaths, - As often as they change their Cloaths.” - -In short, Oaths are the Children of Fashion, they are in some sense -almost Annuals, like what I observed before of Cant-Words; and I my -self can remember about forty different Sets. The old Stock-Oaths I am -confident, do not mount to above forty five, or fifty at most; but the -Way of mingling and compounding them is almost as various as that of the -Alphabet. - -Sir JOHN PERROT was the first Man of Quality whom I find upon Record to -have sworn by _G—’s W—s_. He lived in the Reign of Q. _Elizabeth_, and -was supposed to have been a natural Son of _Henry_ the Eighth, who might -also have probably been his Instructor. This Oath indeed still continues, -and is a Stock-Oath to this Day; so do several others that have kept -their natural Simplicity: But, infinitely the greater Number hath been so -frequently changed and dislocated, that if the Inventors were now alive, -they could hardly understand them. - -Upon these Considerations I began to apprehend, that if I should insert -all the Oaths as are now current, my Book would be out of Vogue with the -first Change of Fashion, and grow useless as an old Dictionary: Whereas, -the Case is quite otherways with my Collection of polite Discourse; -which, as I before observed, hath descended by Tradition for at least -an hundred Years, without any Change in the Phraseology. I, therefore, -determined with my self to leave out the whole System of Swearing; -because, both the male and female Oaths are all perfectly well known and -distinguished; new ones are easily learnt, and with a moderate Share of -Discretion may be properly applied on every fit Occasion. However, I must -here, upon this Article of Swearing, most earnestly recommend to my male -Readers, that they would please a little to study Variety. For, it is -the Opinion of our most refined Swearers, that the same Oath or Curse, -cannot, consistent with true Politeness, be repeated above nine Times in -the same Company, by the same Person, and at one Sitting. - -I am far from desiring, or expecting, that all the polite and ingenious -Speeches, contained in this Work, should, in the general Conversation -between Ladies and Gentlemen, come in so quick and so close as I have -here delivered them. By no means: On the contrary, they ought to be -husbanded better, and spread much thinner. Nor, do I make the least -Question, but that, by a discreet thrifty Management, they may serve -for the Entertainment of a whole Year, to any Person, who does not make -too long or too frequent Visits in the same Family. The Flowers of Wit, -Fancy, Wisdom, Humour, and Politeness, scattered in this Volume, amount -to one thousand, seventy and four. Allowing then to every Gentleman and -Lady thirty visiting Families, (not insisting upon Fractions) there -will want but little of an hundred polite Questions, Answers, Replies, -Rejoinders, Repartees, and Remarks, to be daily delivered fresh, in every -Company, for twelve solar Months; and even this is a higher Pitch of -Delicacy than the World insists on, or hath Reason to expect. But, I am -altogether for exalting this Science to its utmost Perfection. - -It may be objected, that the Publication of my Book may, in a long -Course of Time, prostitute this noble Art to mean and vulgar People: -But, I answer; That it is not so easy an Acquirement as a few ignorant -Pretenders may imagine. A Footman can swear; but he cannot swear like -a Lord. He can swear as often: But, can he swear with equal Delicacy, -Propriety, and Judgment? No, certainly; unless he be a Lad of superior -Parts, of good Memory, a diligent Observer; one who hath a skilful Ear, -some Knowledge in Musick, and an exact Taste, which hardly fall to the -Share of one in a thousand among that Fraternity, in as high Favour as -they now stand with their Ladies; neither hath one Footman in six so -fine a Genius as to relish and apply those exalted Sentences comprised -in this Volume, which I offer to the World: It is true, I cannot see -that the same ill Consequences would follow from the Waiting-Woman, who, -if she hath been bred to read Romances, may have some small subaltern, -or second-hand Politeness; and if she constantly attends the Tea, and -be a good Listner, may, in some Years, make a tolerable Figure, which -will serve, perhaps, to draw in the young Chaplain or the old Steward. -But, alas! after all, how can she acquire those hundreds of Graces -and Motions, and Airs, the whole military Management of the Fan, the -Contortions of every muscular Motion in the Face, the Risings and -Fallings, the Quickness and Slowness of the Voice, with the several Turns -and Cadences; the proper Junctures of Smiling and Frowning, how often and -how loud to laugh, when to jibe and when to flout, with all the other -Branches of Doctrine and Discipline above-recited? - -I am, therefore, not under the least Apprehension that this Art will -be ever in Danger of falling into common Hands, which requires so much -Time, Study, Practice, and Genius, before it arrives to Perfection; -and, therefore, I must repeat my Proposal for erecting Publick Schools, -provided with the best and ablest Masters and Mistresses, at the Charge -of the Nation. - -I have drawn this Work into the Form of a Dialogue, after the Patterns of -other famous Writers in History, Law, Politicks, and most other Arts and -Sciences, and I hope it will have the same Success: For, who can contest -it to be of greater Consequence to the Happiness of these Kingdoms, than -all human Knowledge put together. Dialogue is held the best Method of -inculcating any Part of Knowledge; and, as I am confident, that Publick -Schools will soon be founded for teaching Wit and Politeness, after my -Scheme, to young People of Quality and Fortune, I have determined next -Sessions to deliver a Petition to the _House of Lords_ for an Act of -Parliament, to establish my Book, as the Standard _Grammar_ in all the -principal Cities of the Kingdom where this Art is to be taught, by able -Masters, who are to be approved and recommended by me; which is no more -than LILLY obtained only for teaching Words in a Language wholly useless: -Neither shall I be so far wanting to my self, as not to desire a Patent -granted of course to all useful Projectors; I mean, that I may have the -sole Profit of giving a Licence to every School to read my _Grammar_ for -fourteen Years. - -The Reader cannot but observe what Pains I have been at in polishing -the Style of my Book to the greatest Exactness: Nor, have I been less -diligent in refining the Orthography, by spelling the Words in the -very same Manner that they are pronounced by the Chief Patterns of -Politeness, at Court, at Levees, at Assemblees, at Play-houses, at the -prime Visiting-Places, by young Templers, and by Gentlemen-Commoners of -both Universities, who have lived at least a Twelvemonth in Town, and -kept the best Company. Of these Spellings the Publick will meet with many -Examples in the following Book. For instance, _can’t_, _han’t_, _sha’nt_, -_didn’t_, _coodn’t_, _woodn’t_, _isn’t_, _e’n’t_, with many more; besides -several Words which Scholars pretend are derived from _Greek_ and -_Latin_, but not pared into a polite Sound by Ladies, Officers of the -Army, Courtiers and Templers, such as _Jommetry_ for _Geometry_, _Verdi_ -for _Verdict_, _Lierd_ for _Lord_, _Larnen_ for _Learning_; together -with some Abbreviations exquisitely refined; as, _Pozz_ for _Positive_; -_Mobb_ for _Mobile_; _Phizz_ for _Physiognomy_; _Rep_ for _Reputation_; -_Plenipo_ for _Plenipotentiary_; _Incog_ for _Incognito_; _Hypps_, or -_Hippo_, for _Hypocondriacks_; _Bam_ for _Bamboozle_; and _Bamboozle_ -for _God knows what_; whereby much Time is saved, and the high Road to -Conversation cut short by many a Mile. - -I have, as it will be apparent, laboured very much, and, I hope, with -Felicity enough, to make every Character in the Dialogue agreeable with -it self, to a degree, that, whenever any judicious Person shall read my -Book aloud, for the Entertainment and Instruction of a select Company, -he need not so much as name the particular Speakers; because all the -Persons, throughout the several Subjects of Conversation, strictly -observe a different Manner, peculiar to their Characters, which are of -different kinds: But this I leave entirely to the prudent and impartial -Reader’s Discernment. - -Perhaps the very Manner of introducing the several Points of Wit and -Humour may not be less entertaining and instructing than the Matter it -self. In the latter I can pretend to little Merit; because it entirely -depends upon Memory and the Happiness of having kept polite Company. -But, the Art of contriving, that those Speeches should be introduced -naturally, as the most proper Sentiments to be delivered upon so great -Variety of Subjects, I take to be a Talent somewhat uncommon, and a -Labour that few People could hope to succeed in unless they had a -Genius, particularly turned that way, added to a sincere disinterested -Love of the Publick. - -Although every curious Question, smart Answer, and witty Reply be little -known to many People; yet, there is not one single Sentence in the whole -Collection, for which I cannot bring most authentick Vouchers, whenever I -shall be called; and, even for some Expressions, which to a few nice Ears -may perhaps appear somewhat gross, I can produce the Stamp of Authority -from Courts, Chocolate-houses, Theatres, Assemblees, Drawing-rooms, -Levees, Card-meetings, Balls, and Masquerades, from Persons of both -Sexes, and of the highest Titles next to Royal. However, to say the -truth, I have been very sparing in my Quotations of such Sentiments that -seem to be over free; because, when I began my Collection, such kind of -Converse was almost in its Infancy, till it was taken into the Protection -of my honoured Patronesses at Court, by whose Countenance and Sanction it -hath become a choice Flower in the Nosegay of Wit and Politeness. - -Some will perhaps object, that when I bring my Company to Dinner, I -mention too great a Variety of Dishes, not always consistent with the -Art of Cookery, or proper for the Season of the Year, and Part of the -first Course mingled with the second, besides a Failure in Politeness, by -introducing Black Pudden to a Lord’s Table, and at a great Entertainment: -But, if I had omitted the Black Pudden, I desire to know what would have -become of that exquisite Reason given by Miss NOTABLE for not eating it; -the World perhaps might have lost it for ever, and I should have been -justly answerable for having left it out of my Collection. I therefore -cannot but hope, that such Hypercritical Readers will please to consider, -my Business was to make so full and compleat a Body of refined Sayings, -as compact as I could; only taking care to produce them in the most -natural and probable Manner, in order to allure my Readers into the very -Substance and Marrow of this most admirable and necessary Art. - -I am heartily sorry, and was much disappointed to find, that so universal -and polite an Entertainment as CARDS, hath hitherto contributed very -little to the Enlargement of my Work; I have sate by many hundred Times -with the utmost Vigilance, and my Table-Book ready, without being able in -eight Hours to gather Matter for one single Phrase in my Book. But this, -I think, may be easily accounted for by the Turbulence and Justling of -Passions upon the various and surprising Turns, Incidents, Revolutions, -and Events of good and evil Fortune, that arrive in the course of a long -Evening at Play; the Mind being wholly taken up, and the Consequence of -Non-attention so fatal. - -Play is supported upon the two great Pillars of Deliberation and Action. -The Terms of Art are few, prescribed by Law and Custom; no Time allowed -for Digressions or Tryals of Wit. QUADRILLE in particular bears some -Resemblance to a State of Nature, which, we are told, is a State of War, -wherein every Woman is against every Woman: The Unions short, inconstant, -and soon broke; the League made this Minute without knowing the Ally; and -dissolved in the next. Thus, at the Game of QUADRILLE, female Brains are -always employed in Stratagem, or their Hands in Action. Neither can I -find, that our Art hath gained much by the happy Revival of MASQUERADING -among us; the whole Dialogue in those Meetings being summed up in one -sprightly (I confess, but) single Question, and as sprightly an Answer. -DO YOU KNOW ME? YES, I DO. And, DO YOU KNOW ME? YES, I DO. For this -Reason I did not think it proper to give my Readers the Trouble of -introducing a Masquerade, meerly for the sake of a single Question, and -a single Answer. Especially, when to perform this in a proper manner, I -must have brought in a hundred Persons together, of both Sexes, dressed -in fantastick Habits for one Minute, and dismiss them the next. - -Neither is it reasonable to conceive, that our Science can be much -improved by Masquerades; where the Wit of both Sexes is altogether taken -up in continuing singular and humoursome Disguises; and their Thoughts -entirely employed in bringing Intrigues and Assignations of Gallantry to -an happy Conclusion. - -The judicious Reader will readily discover, that I make Miss NOTABLE my -Heroin, and Mr. THOMAS NEVER-OUT my Hero. I have laboured both their -Characters with my utmost Ability. It is into their Mouths that I have -put the liveliest Questions, Answers, Repartees, and Rejoynders; because -my Design was to propose them both as Patterns for all young Batchelors -and single Ladies to copy after. By which I hope very soon to see polite -Conversation flourish between both Sexes in a more consummate Degree of -Perfection, than these Kingdoms have yet ever known. - -I have drawn some Lines of Sir JOHN LINGER’S Character, the _Derbyshire_ -Knight, on purpose to place it in Counter-view or Contrast with that of -the other Company; wherein I can assure the Reader, that I intended not -the least Reflexion upon _Derbyshire_, the Place of my Nativity. But, -my Intention was only to shew the Misfortune of those Persons, who have -the Disadvantage to be bred out of the Circle of Politeness; whereof -I take the present Limits to extend no further than _London_, and ten -Miles round; although others are please to compute it within the Bills of -Mortality. If you compare the Discourses of my Gentlemen and Ladies with -those of Sir JOHN, you will hardly conceive him to have been bred in the -same Climate, or under the same Laws, Language, Religion, or Government: -And, accordingly, I have introduced him speaking in his own rude Dialect, -for no other Reason than to teach my Scholars how to avoid it. - -The curious Reader will observe, that when Conversation appears in -danger to flag, which, in some Places, I have artfully contrived, I -took care to invent some sudden Question, or Turn of Wit, to revive it; -such as these that follow. _What? I think here’s a silent Meeting!_ -_Come, Madam, A Penny for your Thought_; with several other of the like -sort. I have rejected all provincial or country Turns of Wit and Fancy, -because I am acquainted with a very few; but, indeed, chiefly because I -found them so very much inferior to those at Court, especially among the -Gentlemen-Ushers, the Ladies of the Bed-Chamber, and the Maids of Honour; -I must also add, the hither End of our noble Metropolis. - -When this happy Art of polite Conversing shall be thoroughly improved, -good Company will be no longer pestered with dull, dry, tedious -Story-tellers, nor brangling Disputers: For, a right Scholar, of -either Sex, in our Science, will perpetually interrupt them with some -sudden surprising Piece of Wit, that shall engage all the Company in -a loud Laugh; and, if after a Pause, the grave Companion resumes his -Thread in the following Manner; _Well, but to go on with my Story_; new -Interruptions come from the Left to the Right, till he is forced to give -over. - -I have made some few Essays toward _Selling of_ BARGAINS, as well for -instructing those, who delight in that Accomplishment, as in compliance -with my Female Friends at Court. However, I have transgressed a little -in this Point, by doing it in a manner somewhat more reserved than as it -is now practiced at St. _James_’s. At the same time, I can hardly allow -this Accomplishment to pass properly for a Branch of that perfect polite -Conversation, which makes the constituent Subject of my Treatise; and, -for which I have already given my Reasons. I have likewise, for further -Caution, left a Blank in the critical Point of each _Bargain_, which the -sagacious Reader may fill up in his own Mind. - -As to my self, I am proud to own, that except some Smattering in -the _French_, I am what the Pedants and Scholars call, a Man wholly -illiterate, that is to say, unlearned. But, as to my own Language, I -shall not readily yield to many Persons: I have read most of the Plays, -and all the miscellany Poems that have been published for twenty Years -past. I have read Mr. _Thomas Brown_’s Works entire, and had the Honour -to be his intimate Friend, who was universally allowed to be the greatest -Genius of his Age. - -Upon what Foot I stand with the present chief reigning Wits, their -Verses recommendatory, which they have commended me to prefix before -my Book, will be more than a thousand Witnesses: I am, and have been, -likewise, particularly acquainted with Mr. CHARLES GILDON, Mr. WARD, -Mr. DENNIS, that admirable Critick and Poet, and several others. Each -of these eminent Persons (I mean, those who are still alive) have -done me the Honour to read this Production five Times over with the -strictest Eye of friendly Severity, and proposed some, although very few, -Amendments, which I gratefully accepted, and do here publickly return my -Acknowledgment for so singular a Favour. - -And here, I cannot conceal, without Ingratitude, the great Assistance I -have received from those two illustrious Writers, Mr. OZEL, and Captain -STEVENS. These, and some others, of distinguished Eminence, in whose -Company I have passed so many agreeable Hours, as they have been the -great Refiners of our Language; so, it hath been my chief Ambition to -imitate them. Let the POPES, the GAYS, the ARBUTHNOTS, the YOUNGS, and -the rest of that snarling Brood burst with Envy at the Praises we receive -from the Court and Kingdom. - -But to return from this Digression. - -The Reader will find that the following Collection of polite Expressions -will easily incorporate with all Subjects of genteel and fashionable -Life. Those, which are proper for Morning-Tea, will be equally useful -at the same Entertainment in the Afternoon, even in the same Company, -only by shifting the several Questions, Answers, and Replies, into -different Hands; and such as are adapted to Meals will indifferently -serve for Dinners or Suppers, only distinguishing between Day-light and -Candle-light. By this Method no diligent Person, of a tolerable Memory, -can ever be at a loss. - -It hath been my constant Opinion, that every Man, who is intrusted by -Nature with any useful Talent of the Mind, is bound by all the Ties -of Honour, and that Justice which we all owe our Country, to propose -to himself some one illustrious Action, to be performed in his Life -for the publick Emolument. And, I freely confess, that so grand, so -important an Enterprize as I have undertaken, and executed to the best -of my Power, well deserved a much abler Hand, as well as a liberal -Encouragement from the Crown. However, I am bound so far to acquit my -self, as to declare, that I have often and most earnestly intreated -several of my above-named Friends, universally allowed to be of the -first Rank in Wit and Politeness, that they would undertake a Work, so -honourable to themselves, and so beneficial to the Kingdom; but so great -was their Modesty, that they all thought fit to excuse themselves, and -impose the Task on me; yet in so obliging a Manner, and attended with -such Compliments on my poor Qualifications, that I dare not repeat. -And, at last, their Intreaties, or rather their Commands, added to that -inviolable Love I bear to the Land of my Nativity, prevailed upon me to -engage in so bold an Attempt. - -I may venture to affirm, without the least Violation of Modesty, -that there is no Man, now alive, who hath, by many Degrees, so just -Pretensions as my self, to the highest Encouragement from the CROWN, -the PARLIAMENT, and the MINISTRY, towards bringing this Work to its due -Perfection. I have been assured, that several great Heroes of antiquity -were worshipped as Gods, upon the Merit of having civilized a fierce and -barbarous People. It is manifest, I could have no other Intentions; and, -I dare appeal to my very Enemies, if such a Treatise as mine had been -published some Years ago, and with as much Success as I am confident -this will meet, I mean, by turning the Thoughts of the whole Nobility -and Gentry to the Study and Practice of polite Conversation; whether -such mean stupid Writers, as the CRAFTSMAN and his Abettors, could -have been able to corrupt the Principles of so many hundred thousand -Subjects, as, to the Shame and Grief of every whiggish, loyal, and true -Protestant Heart, it is too manifest, they have done. For, I desire the -honest judicious Reader to make one Remark, that after having exhausted -the Whole[2] _In sickly payday_ (if I may so call it) of Politeness and -Refinement, and faithfully digested it in the following Dialogues, there -cannot be found one Expression relating to Politicks; that the MINISTRY -is never mentioned, nor the Word KING, above twice or thrice, and then -only to the Honour of Majesty; so very cautious were our wiser Ancestors -in forming Rules for Conversation, as never to give Offence to Crowned -Heads, nor interfere with Party Disputes in the State. And indeed, -although there seem to be a close Resemblance between the two Words -_Politeness_ and _Politicks_, yet no Ideas are more inconsistent in their -Natures. However, to avoid all Appearance of Disaffection, I have taken -care to enforce Loyalty by an invincible Argument, drawn from the very -Fountain of this noble Science, in the following short Terms, that ought -to be writ in Gold, MUST IS FOR THE KING; which uncontroulable Maxim I -took particular Care of introducing in the first Page of my Book; thereby -to instil early the best Protestant Loyal Notions into the Minds of my -Readers. Neither is it meerly my own private Opinion, that Politeness is -the firmest Foundation upon which Loyalty can be supported: For, thus -happily sings the Divine Mr. _Tibbalds_, or _Theobalds_, in one of his -Birth-Day Poems. - - “I am no Schollard; but I am polite: - Therefore be sure I am no _Jacobite_.” - -Hear likewise, to the same purpose, that great Master of the whole -Poetick Choir, our most illustrious Laureat Mr. COLLY CIBBER. - - “Who in his Talk can’t speak a polite Thing, - Will never loyal be to GEORGE _our King_.” - -I could produce many more shining Passages out of our principal Poets, of -both Sexes, to confirm this momentous Truth. From whence, I think, it may -be fairly concluded, that whoever can most contribute towards propagating -the Science contained in the following Sheets, through the Kingdoms of -_Great-Britain_ and _Ireland_, may justly demand all the Favour, that the -wisest Court, and most judicious Senate, are able to confer on the most -deserving Subject. I leave the Application to my Readers. - -This is the Work, which I have been so hardy to attempt, and without the -least mercenary View. Neither do I doubt of succeeding to my full Wish, -except among the TORIES and their Abettors; who being all _Jacobites_, -and, consequently _Papists_ in their Hearts, from a Want of true Taste, -or by strong Affectation, may perhaps resolve not to read my Book; -chusing rather to deny themselves the Pleasure and Honour of shining in -polite Company among the principal Genius’s of both Sexes throughout -the Kingdom, than adorn their Minds with this noble Art; and probably -apprehending (as, I confess nothing is more likely to happen) that a true -Spirit of Loyalty to the Protestant Succession should steal in along with -it. - -If my favourable and gentle Readers could possibly conceive the perpetual -Watchings, the numberless Toils, the frequent Risings in the Night, to -set down several ingenious Sentences, that I suddenly or accidentally -recollected; and which, without my utmost Vigilance, had been -irrecoverably lost for ever: If they would consider with what incredible -Diligence I daily and nightly attended at those Houses, where Persons of -both Sexes, and of the most distinguished Merit, used to meet and display -their Talents; with what Attention I listened to all their Discourses, -the better to retain them in my Memory; and then, at proper Seasons, -withdrew unobserved, to enter them in my Table-Book, while the Company -little suspected what a noble Work I had then in Embryo: I say, if all -these were known to the World, I think, it would be no great Presumption -in me to expect, at a proper Juncture, the publick Thanks of both Houses -of Parliament, for the Service and Honour I have done to the whole Nation -by my single Pen. - -Although I have never been once charged with the least Tincture of -Vanity, the Reader will, I hope, give me leave to put an easy Question: -What is become of all the King of _Sweden_’s Victories? Where are -the Fruits of them at this Day? or, of what Benefit will they be to -Posterity? were not many of his greatest Actions owing, at least in part, -to Fortune? were not all of them owing to the Valour of his Troops, as -much as to his own Conduct? could he have conquered the _Polish_ King, -or the _Czar_ of _Muscovy_, with his single Arm? Far be it from me to -envy or lessen the Fame he hath acquired; but, at the same time, I will -venture to say, without Breach of Modesty, that I, who have alone with -this Right-hand subdued Barbarism, Rudeness, and Rusticity, who have -established and fixed for ever the whole System of all true Politeness -and Refinement in Conversation, should think my self most inhumanely -treated by my Country-men, and would accordingly resent it as the highest -Indignity, to be put upon the level, in point of Fame, in After-ages, -with CHARLES the Twelfth, late King of _Sweden_. - -And yet, so incurable is the Love of Detraction, perhaps beyond what -the charitable Reader will easily believe, that I have been assured by -more than one credible Person, how some of my Enemies have industriously -whispered about, that one ISAAC NEWTON, an Instrument-maker, formerly -living near _Leicester-Fields_, and afterwards a Workman at the Mint in -the _Tower_, might possibly pretend to vye with me for Fame in future -times. The Man it seems was knighted for making Sun-Dials better than -others of his Trade, and was thought to be a Conjurer, because he -knew how to draw Lines and Circles upon a Slate, which no body could -understand. But, adieu to all noble Attempts for endless Renown, if -the Ghost of an obscure Mechanick shall be raised up to enter into -competition with me, only for his Skill in making Pot-hooks and Hangers -with a Pencil, which many thousand accomplished Gentlemen and Ladies -can perform as well with a Pen and Ink upon a Piece of Paper, and, in a -manner, as little intelligible as those of Sir ISAAC. - -My most ingenious Friend already mentioned, Mr. COLLY CIBBER, who does -too much Honour to the Laurel Crown he deservedly wears (as he hath often -done to many Imperial Diadems placed on his Head) was pleased to tell -me, that, if my Treatise were formed into a Comedy, the Representation, -performed to Advantage on our Theatre might very much contribute to the -Spreading of polite Conversation among all Persons of Distinction through -the whole Kingdom. - -I own, the Thought was ingenious, and my Friend’s Intention good. But, I -cannot agree to his Proposal: For, Mr. CIBBER himself allowed, that the -Subjects handled in my Work, being so numerous and extensive, it would be -absolutely impossible for one, two, or even six Comedies to contain them. -From whence it will follow, that many admirable and essential Rules for -polite Conversation must be omitted. - -And here let me do justice to my Friend Mr. TIBALDS, who plainly -confessed before Mr. CIBBER himself, that such a Project, as it would -be a great Diminution to my Honour, so it would intolerably mangle my -Scheme, and thereby destroy the principal End at which I aimed, to form -a compleat Body or System of this most useful Science in all its Parts. -And therefore Mr. TIBBALDS, whose Judgment was never disputed, chose -rather to fall in with my Proposal mentioned before, of erecting publick -Schools and Seminaries all over the Kingdom, to instruct the young People -of both Sexes in this Art, according to my Rules, and in the Method that -I have laid down. - -I shall conclude this long, but necessary Introduction, with a Request, -or indeed rather, a just and reasonable Demand from all Lords, Ladies, -and Gentlemen, that while they are entertaining and improving each -other with those polite Questions, Answers, Repartees, Replies, and -Rejoinders, which I have with infinite Labour, and close Application, -during the Space of thirty-six Years, been collecting for their Service -and Improvement, they shall, as an Instance of Gratitude, on every proper -Occasion, quote my Name, after this or the like manner. _Madam, as our -Master_ WAGSTAFF _says_. _My Lord, as our Friend_ WAGSTAFF _has it_. I -do likewise expect, that all my Pupils shall drink my Health every Day -at Dinner and Supper during my Life; and that they, or their Posterity, -shall continue the same Ceremony to my _not inglorious Memory_, after my -Decease, for ever. - -[2] This Word is spelt by _Latinists_, _Encyclopædia_; but the judicious -Author wisely prefers the Polite Reading before the Pedantick. - - - - -POLITE CONVERSATION. - -IN THREE DIALOGUES. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ - - -The MEN. - - _Lord_ SPARKISH, - _Lord_ SMART, - _Sir_ JOHN LINGER, - _Mr._ NEVEROUT, - _Colonel_ ATWIT. - - -The LADIES. - - _Lady_ SMART, - _Miss_ NOTABLE, - _Lady_ ANSWERALL. - - - - -POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC. - -ST. JAMES’S PARK. - -_Lord_ Sparkish _meeting Col._ Atwit. - - -_Col._ Well met, my Lord. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Thank ye, Colonel. A Parson would have said, I hope we -shall meet in Heaven. When did you see _Tom Neverout_? - -_Col._ He’s just coming towards us. Talk of the Devil—— - - [Neverout _comes up_. - -_Col._ How do you do, _Tom_? - -_Neverout._ Never the better for you. - -_Col._ I hope, you’re never the worse. But where’s your Manners? Don’t -you see my Lord _Sparkish_? - -_Neverout._ My Lord, I beg your Lordship’s Pardon. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ _Tom_, how is it, that you can’t see the Wood for Trees? -What Wind blew you hither? - -_Neverout._ Why, my Lord, it is an ill Wind blows nobody good; for it -gives me the Honour of seeing your Lordship. - -_Col._ _Tom_, you must go with us to Lady _Smart_’s to Breakfast. - -_Neverout._ Must? Why, Colonel, Must’s for the King. - - [_Col. offering in Jest to draw his Sword._ - -_Col._ Have you spoke with all your Friends? - -_Neverout._ Colonel, as you’re stout, be merciful. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, agree, agree; the Law’s costly. - - [_Col. taking his Hand from the Hilt._ - -_Col._ Well, _Tom_, you are never the worse Man to be afraid of me. Come -along. - -_Neverout._ What, do you think, I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of an -Owl? - -I’ll wait on you. I hope Miss _Notable_ will be there; egad she’s very -handsome, and has Wit at Will. - -_Col._ Why every one as they like; as the good Woman said, when she -kiss’d her Cow. - - [_Lord_ Smart’_s House; they knock at the Door; the_ Porter - _comes out_. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, are you the Porter? - -_Porter._ Yes, for Want of a better. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Is your Lady at Home? - -_Porter._ She was at Home just now; but she’s not gone out yet. - -_Neverout._ I warrant, this Rogue’s Tongue is well hung. - - [_Lady_ Smart’_s Antichamber_. - - _Lady_ Smart _and Lady_ Answerall _at the Tea-table_. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord, your Lordship’s most humble Servant. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, you spoke too late; I was your Ladyship’s before. - -_Lady Smart._ Oh! Colonel, are you here! - -_Col._ As sure as you’re there, Madam. - -_Lady Smart._ Oh, Mr. _Neverout_! what, such a Man alive! - -_Neverout._ Ay, Madam; alive, and alive like to be, at your Ladyship’s -Service. - -_Lady Smart._ Well: I’ll get a Knife, and nick it down, that Mr. -_Neverout_ came to our House. And pray, What News Mr. _Neverout_? - -_Neverout._ Why, Madam, Queen _Elizabeth_’s dead. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, I see you are no Changeling. - - [_Miss_ Notable _comes in_. - -_Neverout._ Miss, your Slave: I hope your early Rising will do you no -Harm. I hear you are but just come out of the Cloth-Market. - -_Miss._ I always rise at Eleven, whether it be Day or no. - -_Col._ Miss, I hope you are up for all Day? - -_Miss._ Yes, if I don’t get a Fall before Night. - -_Col._ Miss, I heard you were out of Order; pray, how are you now? - -_Miss._ Pretty well, Colonel, I thank you. - -_Col._ Pretty and well, Miss! that’s Two very good things. - -_Miss._ I mean, I am better than I was. - -_Neverout._ Why then, ’tis well you were sick. - -_Miss._ What, Mr. _Neverout_; you take me up, before I’m down. - -_Lady Smart._ Come, let us leave off Children’s Play, and come to -Push-pin. - -_Miss_ [_to Lady Smart._] Pray, Madam, give me some more Sugar to my Tea. - -_Col._ Oh! Miss, you must needs be very good-humour’d, you love sweet -things so much. - -_Neverout._ Stir it up with the Spoon, Miss; for the deeper the sweeter. - -_Lady Smart._ I assure you, Miss, the Colonel has made you a great -Compliment. - -_Miss._ I am sorry for it; for I have heard say, that complimenting is -lying. - -_Lady Smart_ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] My Lord, methinks the Sight of you is -good for sore Eyes; if we had known of your Coming, we would have strown -Rushes for you: How has your Lordship done this long time? - -_Col._ Faith, Madam, he’s better in Health, than in good Conditions. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; I see there’s no worse Friend than one brings from -Home with one; and I am not the first Man has carry’d a Rod to whip -himself. - -_Neverout._ Here’s Miss, has not a Word to throw at a Dog. Come; a Penny -for your Thoughts. - -_Miss._ It is not worth a Farthing; for I was thinking of you. - - [_Col._——_rising up._—— - -_Lady Smart._ Colonel, Where are you going so soon? I hope you did not -come to fetch Fire. - -_Col._ Madam, I must needs go Home for half an Hour. - -_Miss._ Why, Colonel, they say, the Devil’s at Home. - -_Lady Answerall._ Well, but sit while you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as -standing. - -_Col._ No, Madam; while I’m standing I’m going. - -_Miss._ Nay, let him go; I promise him, we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold -him. - -_Lady Smart._ I suppose, Colonel, we keep you from better Company; I mean -only as to myself. - -_Col._ Madam, I am all Obedience. - - [_Col. sits down._ - -_Lady Smart._ Lord, Miss, how can you drink your Tea so hot? Sure your -Mouth’s pav’d. - -How do you like this Tea, Colonel? - -_Col._ Well enough, Madam; but methinks it is a little more-ish. - -_Lady Smart._ Oh, Colonel! I understand you. _Betty_, bring the -Canister: I have but very little of this Tea left; but I don’t love to -make two Wants of one; want when I have it, and want when I have it not. -He, he, he, he. - - [_Laughs._ - -_Lady Answ._ [_to the Maid._] Why, sure, _Betty_, you are bewitch’d; the -Cream is burnt to. - -_Betty._ Why, Madam, the Bishop has set his Foot in it. - -_Lady Smart._ Go, you Girl, and warm some fresh Cream. - -_Betty._ Indeed, Madam, there’s none left; for the Cat has eaten it all. - -_Lady Smart._ I doubt, it was a Cat with Two Legs. - -_Miss._ Colonel, Don’t you love Bread and Butter with your Tea? - -_Col._ Yes, in a Morning, Miss: For they say, Butter is Gold in a -Morning, Silver at Noon, but it is Lead at Night. - -_Neverout._ Miss, the Weather is so hot, that my Butter melts on my Bread. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, Butter, I’ve heard ’em say, is mad twice a Year. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to the Maid._] Mrs. _Betty_, how does your Body -Politick? - -_Col._ Fie, my Lord; you’ll make Mrs. _Betty_ blush. - -_Lady Smart._ Blush! ay, blush like a blue Dog. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Mrs. _Betty_, Are not you _Tom Johnson_’s Daughter? - -_Betty._ So my Mother tells me, Sir. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ But, Mrs. _Betty_, I hear you are in Love. - -_Betty._ My Lord, I thank God, I hate nobody; I am in Charity with all -the World. - -_Lady Smart._ Why, Wench, I think, thy Tongue runs upon Wheels this -Morning: How came you by that Scratch on your Nose? Have you been -fighting with the Cats? - -_Col._ [_to Miss._] Miss, When will you be married? - -_Miss._ One of these Odd-come-shortly’s, Colonel. - -_Neverout._ Yes; they say, the Match is half made, the Spark is willing, -but Miss is not. - -_Miss._ I suppose, the Gentleman has got his own Consent for it. - -_Lady Answ._ Pray, My Lord, did you walk through the Park in this Rain? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes, Madam; we were neither Sugar nor Salt; we were not -afraid the Rain would melt us. He, he, he. [_Laugh._ - -_Col._ It rain’d, and the Sun shone at the same time. - -_Neverout._ Why, then the Devil was beating his Wife behind the Door, -with a Shoulder of Mutton. [——_Laugh._—— - -_Col._ A blind Man would be glad to see that. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, methinks you stand in your own Light. - -_Neverout._ Ah! Madam, I have done so all my Life. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ I’m sure he sits in mine: Prythee, _Tom_, sit a little -farther: I believe your Father was no Glasier. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, dear Girl, fill me out a Dish of Tea, for I’m very -lazy. - - [_Miss fills a Dish of Tea, sweetens it, and then tastes it._ - -_Lady Smart._ What, Miss, Will you be my Taster? - -_Miss._ No, Madam; but, they say, ’tis an ill Cook, that can’t lick her -own Fingers. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, fill me another. - -_Miss._ Will you have it now, or stay till you get it? - -_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, they say, you went to Court last Night very -drunk: Nay, I’m told for certain, you had been among _Philistines_: No -Wonder the Cat wink’d, when both her Eyes were out. - -_Col._ Indeed, Madam, that’s a Lye. - -_Lady Answ._ ’Tis better I should lye, than you should lose your good -Manners: Besides, I don’t lie; I sit. - -_Neverout._ O faith, Colonel, you must own you had a Drop in your Eye: -When I left you, you were half Seas over. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I fear, Lady _Answerall_ can’t live long, she has -so much Wit. - -_Neverout._ No; she can’t live, that’s certain; but she may linger Thirty -or Forty Years. - -_Miss._ Live long; ay, longer than a Cat, or a Dog, or a better thing. - -_Lady Answ._ Oh! Miss, you must give your Vardi too! - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Miss, Shall I fill you another Dish of Tea? - -_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I have drank enough. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, it will do you more good than a Month’s Fasting; -here, take it. - -_Miss._ No, I thank your Lordship; enough’s as good as a Feast. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; but if you always say No, you’ll never be married. - -_Lady Answ._ Do, my Lord, give her a Dish; for, they say, Maids will say -No, and take it. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well; and I dare say, Miss is a Maid in Thought, Word, -and Deed. - -_Neverout._ I would not take my Oath of that. - -_Miss._ Pray, Sir, speak for yourself. - -_Lady Smart._ Fie, Miss; they say, Maids should be seen, and not heard. - -_Lady Answ._ Good Miss, stir the Fire, that the Tea-Kettle may boil.—You -have done it very well; now it burns purely. Well, Miss, you’ll have a -chearful Husband. - -_Miss._ Indeed, your Ladyship could have stirr’d it much better. - -_Lady Answ._ I know that very well, Hussy; but I won’t keep a Dog, and -bark myself. - -_Neverout._ What! you are sick, Miss. - -_Miss._ Not at all; for her Ladyship meant you. - -_Neverout._ Oh! faith, Miss, you are in Lob’s-pound; get out as you can. - -_Miss._ I won’t quarrel with my Bread and Butter for all that: I know -when I’m well. - -_Lady Answ._ Well; but Miss—— - -_Neverout._ Ah! dear Madam, let the Matter fall; take Pity on poor Miss; -don’t throw Water on a drownded Rat. - -_Miss._ Indeed, Mr. _Neverout_, you should be cut for the Simples this -Morning: Say a Word more, and you had as good eat your Nails. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Miss, will you be so good as to favour us with a -Song? - -_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I can’t; for I have a great Cold. - -_Col._ Oh! Miss, they say, all good Singers have Colds. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, does not Miss sing very well? - -_Lady Answ._ She sings, as one may _say_, my Lord. - -_Miss._ I hear, Mr. _Neverout_ has a very good Voice. - -_Col._ Yes; _Tom_ sings well; but his Luck’s naught. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Colonel, you hit yourself a devilish Box on the Ear. - -_Col._ Miss, Will you take a Pinch of Snuff? - -_Miss._ No, Colonel; you must know, I never take Snuff, but when I’m -angry. - -_Lady Answ._ Yes, yes, she can take Snuff; but she has never a Box to put -it in. - -_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, let me see that Box. - -_Col._ Madam, there’s never a C upon it. - -_Miss._ May be there is, Colonel. - -_Col._ Ay; but May-bees don’t fly now, Miss. - -_Neverout._ Colonel, why so hard upon poor Miss? Don’t set your Wit -against a Child: Miss, give me a Blow, and I’ll beat him. - -_Miss._ So she pray’d me to tell you. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, my Lady _Smart_, What Kin are you to Lord _Pozz_? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, his Grandmother and mine had Four Elbows. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, methinks here is a silent Meeting. Come, Miss, hold up -your Head, Girl; there’s Money bid for you. - - [—_Miss starts_— - -_Miss._ Lord, Madam, you frighten me out of my Seven Senses! - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, I must be going. - -_Lady Answ._ I have seen hastier People than you stay all Night. - -_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] _Tom Neverout_ and I are to leap To-morrow for -a Guinea. - -_Miss._ I believe, Colonel, Mr. _Neverout_ can leap at a Crust better -than you. - -_Neverout._ Miss, your Tongue runs before your Wit; nothing can tame you -but a Husband. - -_Miss._ Peace! I think I hear the Church Clock. - -_Neverout._ Why you know, as the Fool thinks—— - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, your Handkerchief’s fallen. - -_Miss._ Let him set his Foot on it, that it mayn’t fly in his Face. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss—— - -_Miss._ Ay, ay; many a one says well, that thinks ill. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss; I’ll think of this. - -_Miss._ That’s Rhime, if you take it in Time. - -_Neverout._ What! I see you are a Poet. - -_Miss._ Yes; if I had but the Wit to show it. - -_Neverout._ Miss, Will you be so kind as to fill me a Dish of Tea? - -_Miss._ Pray, let your Betters be serv’d before you; I am just going to -fill one for myself; and, you know, the Parson always christens his own -Child first. - -_Neverout._ But I saw you fill one just now for the Colonel: Well, I find -kissing goes by Favour. - -_Miss._ But pray, Mr. _Neverout_, What Lady was that you were talking -with in the Side-Box last _Tuesday_? - -_Neverout._ Miss, can you keep a Secret? - -_Miss._ Yes, I can. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss; and so can I. - -_Col._ Odds-so! I have cut my Thumb with this cursed Knife! - -_Lady Answ._ Ay; that was your Mother’s Fault, because she only warn’d -you not to cut your Fingers. - -_Lady Smart._ No, no;’tis only Fools cut their Fingers; but wise Folks -cut their Thumbs.—— - -_Miss._ I’m sorry for it, but I can’t cry. - -_Col._ Don’t you think Miss is grown? - -_Lady Answ._ Ay; ill Weeds grow apace. - - [——_A Puff of Smoke comes down the Chimney._—— - -_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, Does your Ladyship’s Chimney smoke? - -_Col._ No, Madam; but they say, Smoke always pursues the Fair, and your -Ladyship sat nearest. - -_Lady Smart._ Madam, Do you love Bohea Tea? - -_Lady Answ._ Why, Madam, I must confess I do love it; but it does not -love me. - -_Miss._ [_to Lady Smart._] Indeed, Madam, your Ladyship is very sparing -of your Tea: I protest, the last I took, was no more than Water bewitch’d. - -_Col._ Pray, Miss, if I may be so bold, What Lover gave you that fine -Etuy? - -_Miss._ Don’t you know? then keep Counsel. - -_Lady Answ._ I’ll tell you, Colonel, who gave it her; it was the best -Lover she will ever have while she lives; her own dear Papa. - -_Neverout._ Methinks, Miss, I don’t much like the Colour of that Ribbon. - -_Miss._ Why then, Mr. _Neverout_, do you see, if you don’t much like it, -you may look off of it. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ I don’t doubt, Madam, but your Ladyship has heard, that -Sir _John Brisk_ has got an Employment at Court. - -_Lady Smart._ Yes, yes; and I warrant, he thinks himself no small Fool -now. - -_Neverout._ Yet, Madam, I have heard some People take him for a wise Man. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are other-wise. - -_Lady Answ._ Do you know him, Mr. _Neverout_? - -_Neverout._ Know him! ay, as well as the Beggar knows his Dish. - -_Col._ Well; I can only say, that he has better Luck than honester Folks: -But pray, How came he to get this Employment? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, by Chance, as the Man kill’d the Devil. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are in a brown Study; What’s the Matter? -Methinks you look like Mum-Chance, that was hang’d for saying nothing. - -_Miss._ I’d have you to know, I scorn your Words. - -_Neverout._ Well; but scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddings. - -_Miss._ Well; my Comfort is, your Tongue is no Slander. What! you would -not have one be always on the high Grin. - -_Neverout._ Cry, Map-sticks, Madam; no Offence, I hope. - - [——_Lady_ Smart _breaks a Tea-cup_.—— - -_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, How came you to break your Cup? - -_Lady Smart._ I can’t help it, if I would cry my Eyes out. - -_Miss._ Why, sell it, Madam, and buy a new one with some of the Money. - -_Col._ ’Tis a Folly to cry for spilt Milk. - -_Lady Smart._ Why, if Things did not break or wear out, how would -Tradesmen live? - -_Miss._ Well; I am very sick, if any body car’d for it. - -_Neverout._ Come, then, Miss, e’en make a Die of it, and then we shall -have a Burying of our own. - -_Miss._ The Devil take you, _Neverout_, besides all small Curses. - -_Lady Answ._ Marry, come up, What, plain _Neverout_! methinks you might -have an M under your Girdle, Miss. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, well, naught’s never in Danger; I warrant, Miss will -spit in her Hand, and hold fast. Colonel, do you like this Bisket? - -_Col._ I’m like all Fools; I love every Thing that’s good. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, and isn’t it pure good? - -_Col._ ’Tis better than a worse. - - [——_Footman brings the Colonel a Letter._—— - -_Lady Answ._ I suppose, Colonel, that’s a Billet-doux from your Mistress. - -_Col._ Egad, I don’t know whence it comes; but whoe’er writ it, writes a -Hand like a Foot. - -_Miss._ Well, you may make a Secret of it, but we can spell, and put -together. - -_Neverout._ Miss, What spells B double Uzzard? - -_Miss._ Buzzard in your Teeth, Mr. _Neverout_. - -_Lady Smart._ Now you are up, Mr. _Neverout_, Will you do me the Favour, -to do me the Kindness, to take off the Tea-kettle? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ I wonder what makes these Bells ring. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, I suppose, because they pull the Ropes. - - [_Here all laugh._ - - [——Neverout _plays with a Tea-cup_.—— - -_Miss._ Now a Child would have cry’d half an Hour before it would have -found out such a pretty Plaything. - -_Lady Smart._ Well said, Miss: I vow, Mr. _Neverout_, the Girl is too -hard for you. - -_Neverout._ Ay, Miss will say any Thing but her Prayers, and those she -whistles. - -_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, make me a Present of that pretty Penknife? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, Miss, catch him at that, and hang him. - -_Col._ Not for the World, dear Miss; it will cut Love. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Colonel, you shall be married first, I was just going to -say that. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, but for all that, I can tell who is a great Admirer -of Miss: Pray, Miss, how do you like Mr. _Spruce_? I swear I have often -seen him cast a Sheep’s Eye out of a Calf’s Head at you: Deny it if you -can. - -_Miss._ Oh! Madam; all the World knows, that Mr. _Spruce_ is a general -Lover. - -_Col._ Come, Miss, ’tis too true to make a Jest on. - - [——_Miss blushes._—— - -_Lady Answ._ Well, however, Blushing is some Sign of Grace. - -_Neverout._ Miss says nothing; but I warrant she pays it off with -Thinking. - -_Miss._ Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, you are pleas’d to divert yourselves; -but, as I hope to be sav’d, there’s nothing in it. - -_Lady Smart._ Touch a gall’d Horse, and he’ll wince: Love will creep -where it dare not go: I’d hold a hundred Pound Mr. _Neverout_ was the -Inventor of that Story; and, Colonel, I doubt you had a Finger in the Pye. - -_Lady Answ._ But, Colonel, you forgot to salute Miss when you came in; -she said you had not been here a long time. - -_Miss._ Fie, Madam! I vow, Colonel, I said no such thing; I wonder at -your Ladyship! - -_Col._ Miss, I beg your Pardon—— - - [_Goes to salute her, she struggles a little._—— - -_Miss._ Well, I had rather give a Knave a Kiss, for once, than be -troubled with him; but, upon my Word, you are more bold than welcome. - -_Lady Smart._ Fie, fie, Miss! for Shame of the World, and Speech of good -People. - - [Neverout _to_ Miss, _who is cooking her Tea and Bread and - Butter_. - -_Neverout._ Come, come, Miss, make much of naught; good Folks are scarce. - -_Miss._ What! and You must come in with your Two Eggs a Penny, and Three -of them rotten. - -_Col._ [_to Ld. Sparkish._] But, my Lord, I forgot to ask you, How you -like my new Cloaths? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, very well, Colonel; only, to deal plainly with you, -methinks the worst Piece is in the Middle. - - [——_Here a loud Laugh, often repeated._—— - -_Col._ My Lord, you are too severe on your Friends. - -_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, I’m hot; are you a Sot? - -_Neverout._ Miss, I’m cold; are you a Scold? Take you that. - -_Lady Smart._ I confess, that was home. I find, Mr. _Neverout_, you won’t -give your Head for the washing, as they say. - -_Miss._ Oh! he’s a sore Man, where the Skin’s off. I see, Mr. _Neverout_ -has a Mind to sharpen the Edge of his Wit, on the Whetstone of my -Ignorance. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, _Tom_, you are struck! I never heard a better -Thing. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, give me Leave to scratch you for that fine Speech. - -_Miss._ Pox on your Picture; it cost me a Groat the drawing. - -_Neverout._ [_to Lady Smart._] ’Sbuds, Madam, I have burnt my Hand with -your plaguy Tea-kettle. - -_Lady Smart._ Why, then, Mr. _Neverout_, you must say, God save the King. - -_Neverout._ Did you ever see the like? - -_Miss._ Never, but once, at a Wedding. - -_Col._ Pray, Miss, how old are you? - -_Miss._ Why, I’m as old as my Tongue, and a little older than my Teeth. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Ans._] Pray, Madam, is Miss _Buxom_ married? I -hear, ’tis all over the Town. - -_Lady Answ._ My Lord, she’s either married, or worse. - -_Col._ If she ben’t marry’d, at least she’s lustily promis’d. But, is it -certain, that Sir _John Blunderbuss_ is dead at last? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Yes; or else he’s sadly wrong’d, for they have bury’d -him. - -_Miss._ Why, if he be dead, he’ll eat no more Bread. - -_Col._ But, is he really dead? - -_Lady Answ._ Yes, Colonel; as sure as you’re alive—— - -_Col._ They say, he was an honest Man. - -_Lady Answ._ Yes, with good looking to. - - [——Miss _feels a Pimple on her Face_.—— - -_Miss._ Lord! I think my Goodness is coming out. Madam, will your -Ladyship please to send me a Patch? - -_Neverout._ Miss, if you are a Maid, put your Hand upon your Spot. - -_Miss._ ——There—— - - [_Covering her Face with both her Hands._—— - -_Lady Smart._ Well, thou art a mad Girl. - - [_Gives her a Tap._ - -_Miss._ Lord, Madam; is that a Blow to give a Child? - - [——_Lady_ Smart _lets fall her Handkerchief, and the Colonel - stoops for it_.—— - -_Lady Smart._ Colonel, you shall have a better Office. - -_Col._ Oh! Madam, I can’t have a better, than to serve your Ladyship. - -_Col._ [_to Lady Sparkish._] Madam, has your Ladyship read the new Play, -written by a Lord? it is call’d, _Love in a Hollow Tree_. - -_Lady Sparkish._ No, Colonel. - -_Col._ Why, then your Ladyship has one Pleasure to come. - - [——Miss _sighs_.—— - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, why do you sigh? - -_Miss._ To make a Fool ask, and you are the first. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, I find there is nothing but a Bit and a Blow with -you. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, you must know, Miss is in Love. - -_Miss._ I wish, my Head may never ake till that Day. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, Miss, never sigh, but send for him. - -——_Lady Smart and Lady Answerall speaking together._] If he be hang’d, -he’ll come hopping; and if he be drown’d, he’ll come dropping. - -_Miss._ Well, I swear, you’d make one die with laughing. - - [——Miss _plays with a Tea-cup, and_ Neverout _plays with - another_.—— - -_Neverout._ Well; I see, one Fool makes many. - -_Miss._ And you’re the greatest Fool of any. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, will you be so kind to tie this String for me -with your fair Hands? it will go all in your Day’s Work. - -_Miss._ Marry, come up, indeed; tie it yourself, you have as many Hands -as I; your Man’s Man will have a fine Office truly: Come, pray, stand out -of my spitting Place. - -_Neverout._ Well; but, Miss, don’t be angry. - -_Miss._ No; I was never angry in my Life but once, and then nobody car’d -for it; so I resolv’d never to be angry again. - -_Neverout._ Well; but if you’ll tie it, you shall never know what I’ll do -for you. - -_Miss._ So I suppose, truly. - -_Neverout._ Well; but I’ll make you a fine Present one of these Days. - -_Miss._ Ay; when the Devil’s blind; and his Eyes are not sore yet. - -_Neverout._ No, Miss; I’ll send it you To-morrow. - -_Miss._ Well, well: To-morrow’s a new Day; but I suppose, you mean, -Tomorrow-come-never. - -_Neverout._ Oh! ’tis the prettiest Thing: I assure you, there came but -Two of them over in Three Ships. - -_Miss._ Would I could see it, quoth blind _Hugh_. But why did you not -bring me a Present of Snuff this Morning? - -_Neverout._ Because, Miss, you never ask’d me; and ’tis an ill Dog that’s -not worth whistling for. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, how came your Ladyship -last _Thursday_ to go to that odious Puppet-show? - -_Col._ Why, to be sure, her Ladyship went to see, and to be seen. - -_Lady Answ._ You have made a fine Speech, Colonel: Pray, what will you -take for your Mouth-piece? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Take that, Colonel: But, pray, Madam, was my Lady _Snuff_ -there? They say, she is extremely handsome. - -_Lady Smart._ They must not see with my Eyes, that think so. - -_Neverout._ She may pass Muster well enough. - -_Lady Answ._ Pray, how old do you take her to be? - -_Col._ Why, about Five or Six and Twenty. - -_Miss._ I swear, she’s no Chicken; she’s on the wrong Side of Thirty, if -she be a Day. - -_Lady Answ._ Depend upon it, she’ll never see Five and Thirty, and a Bit -to spare. - -_Col._ Why, they say, she’s one of the chief Toasts in Town. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay, when all the rest are out of it. - -_Miss._ Well; I wou’dn’t be as sick as she’s proud, for all the World. - -_Lady Answ._ She looks, as if Butter wou’dn’t melt in her Mouth; but I -warrant, Cheese won’t choak her. I hear, my Lord What-d’ye-call-him is -courting her. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ What Lord d’ye mean, _Tom_? - -_Miss._ Why, my Lord, I suppose, Mr. _Neverout_ means the Lord of the -Lord knows what. - -_Col._ They say, she dances very fine. - -_Lady Answ._ She did; but, I doubt, her Dancing Days are over. - -_Col._ I can’t pardon her, for her Rudeness to me. - -_Lady Smart._ Well; but you must forget and forgive. - - [——Footman _comes in_.—— - -_Lady Smart._ Did you call _Betty_? - -_Footman._ She’s coming, Madam. - -_Lady Smart._ Coming! ay, so is _Christmas_. - - [——Betty _comes in_.—— - -_Lady Smart._ Come, get ready my Things. Where has the Wench been these -Three Hours? - -_Betty._ Madam, I can’t go faster than my Legs will carry me. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay, thou hast a Head, and so has a Pin. But, my Lord, -all the Town has it, that Miss _Caper_ is to be married to Sir _Peter -Giball_; one thing is certain, that she hath promis’d to have him. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Madam, you know Promises are either broken or kept. - -_Lady Answ._ I beg your Pardon, my Lord; Promises and Pye-crust are made -to be broken. - -_Lady Smart._ Nay, I had it from my Lady _Carry-lye_’s own Mouth. I tell -you my Tale, and my Tale’s Author; if it be a Lye, you had it as cheap as -I. - -_Lady Answ._ She and I had some Words last _Sunday_ at Church; but, I -think, I gave her her own. - -_Lady Smart._ Her Tongue runs like the Clapper of a Mill; she talks -enough for herself and all the Company. - -_Neverout._ And yet she simpers like a Firmity-Kettle. - - [——Miss _looking in a Glass_.—— - -_Miss._ Lord, how my Head is drest To-day! - -_Col._ Oh, Madam! a good Face needs no Band. - -_Miss._ No; and a bad one deserves none. - -_Col._ Pray, Miss, where is your old Acquaintance, Mrs. _Wayward_? - -_Miss._ Why, where should she be? You must needs know; she’s in her Skin. - -_Col._ I can answer that: What if you were as far out as she’s in?—— - -_Miss._ Well, I promis’d to go this Evening to _Hyde-Park_ on the Water; -but, I protest, I’m half afraid. - -_Neverout._ Never fear, Miss; you have the old Proverb on your Side, -Naught’s ne’er in Danger. - -_Col._ Why, Miss, let _Tom Neverout_ wait on you; and then, I warrant, -you’ll be as safe as a Thief in a Mill; for you know, he that’s born to -be hang’d, will never be drowned. - -_Neverout._ Thank you, Colonel, for your good Word; but, faith, if ever I -hang, it shall be about a fair Lady’s Neck. - -_Lady Smart._ Who’s there? Bid the Children be quiet, and not laugh so -loud. - -_Lady Answ._ Oh, Madam! let’ em laugh; they’ll ne’er laugh younger. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I’ll tell you a Secret, if you’ll promise never to tell -it again. - -_Miss._ No, to be sure; I’ll tell it to nobody but Friends and Strangers. - -_Neverout._ Why, then, there’s some Dirt in my Tea-cup. - -_Miss._ Come, come; the more there’s in’t, the more there’s on’t. - -_Lady Answ._ Poh! you must eat a Peck of Dirt before you die. - -_Col._ Ay, ay; it goes all one way. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, What’s a Clock? - -_Miss._ Why, you must know, ’tis a Thing like a Bell; and you are a Fool -that can’t tell. - -_Neverout._ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, do you tell me; for I have -let my Watch run down. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, ’tis half an Hour past Hanging-time. - -_Col._ Well; I am like the Butcher, that was looking for his Knife, and -had it in his Mouth: I have been searching my Pockets for my Snuff-box, -and, egad, here ’tis in my Hand. - -_Miss._ If it had been a Bear, it would have bit you, Colonel: Well, I -wish, I had such a Snuff-box. - -_Neverout._ You’ll be long enough before you wish your Skin full of -Eyelet-Holes. - -_Col._ Wish in one Hand,—— - -_Miss._ Out upon you: Lord, what can the Man mean? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ This Tea’s very hot. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, it came from a hot Place, my Lord. - - [——Colonel _spills his Tea_.—— - -_Lady Smart._ That’s as well done as if I had done it myself. - -_Col._ Madam, I find, you live by ill Neighbours; when you are forc’d to -praise yourself. - -_Lady Smart._ So they pray’d me to tell you. - -_Neverout._ Well, I won’t drink a Drop more; if I do, ’twill go down like -chopt Hay. - -_Miss._ Pray, don’t say No, till you are ask’d. - -_Neverout._ Well, what you please, and the rest again. - - [——Miss _stooping for a Pin_.—— - -_Miss._ I have heard ’em say, that a Pin a Day is a Groat a Year. Well, -as I hope to be married, forgive me for swearing; I vow, ’tis a Needle. - -_Col._ Oh! the wonderful Works of Nature: That a black Hen should have a -white Egg! - -_Neverout._ What! you have found a Mare’s Nest; and laugh at the Eggs. - -_Miss._ Pray, keep your Breath to cool your Porridge. - -_Neverout._ Miss, there was a very pleasant Accident last Night in St. -_James_’s Park. - -_Miss._ [_to Lady Smart._] What was it your Ladyship was going to say -just now? - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss; tell a Mare a Tale—— - -_Miss._ I find, you love to hear yourself talk. - -_Neverout._ Why, if you won’t hear my Tale, kiss my, _&c._ - -_Miss._ Out upon you, for a filthy Creeter! - -_Neverout._ What, Miss! must I tell you a Story, and find you Ears? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Smart._] Pray, Madam, don’t you think Mrs. -_Spendal_ very genteel? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, my Lord, I think she was cut out for a Gentlewoman, -but she was spoil’d in the Making: She wears her Cloaths, as if they were -thrown on her with a Pitch-Fork; and, for the Fashion, I believe they -were made in the Reign of Queen _Bess_. - -_Neverout._ Well, that’s neither here nor there; for you know, the more -careless, the more modish. - -_Col._ Well, I’d hold a Wager, there will be a Match between her and -_Dick Dolt_; and I believe, I can see as far into a Millstone as another -Man. - -_Miss._ Colonel, I must beg your Pardon a Thousand Times; but they say, -An old Ape has an old Eye. - -_Neverout._ Miss, what do you mean! you’ll spoil the Colonel’s Marriage, -if you call him old. - -_Col._ Not so old, nor yet so cold. You know the rest, Miss. - -_Miss._ Manners is a fine Thing, truly. - -_Col._ Faith, Miss, depend upon it, I’ll give you as good as you bring: -What! if you give a Jest, you must take a Jest. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, you’ll ne’er have done till you break -that Knife; and then the Man won’t take it again. - -_Miss._ Why, Madam, Fools will be medling; I wish, he may cut his -Fingers; I hope, you can see your own Blood without fainting. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you shine this Morning like a —— Barn-door; you’ll -never hold out at this Rate; pray, save a little Wit for To-morrow. - -_Miss._ Well, you have said your Say; if People will be rude, I have -done; my Comfort is, ’twill be all one a thousand Year hence. - -_Neverout._ Miss, you have shot your Bolt: I find, you must have the last -Word.—Well, I’ll go to the Opera To-night.—No, I can’t neither, for I -have some Business—and yet I think I must, for I promis’d to squire the -Countess to her Box. - -_Miss._ The Countess of _Puddledock_, I suppose. - -_Neverout._ Peace, or War, Miss? - -_Lady Smart._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, you’ll never be mad, you are of so -many Minds. - - [——_As_ Miss _rises, the Chair falls behind her_.—— - -_Miss._ Well; I shan’t be Lady-Mayoress this Year. - -_Neverout._ No, Miss; ’tis worse than that; you won’t be marry’d this -Year. - -_Miss._ Lord! you make me laugh, tho’ I a’n’t well. - - [——Neverout, _as_ Miss _is standing, pulls her suddenly on his - Lap_.—— - -_Neverout._ Now, Colonel, come, sit down on my Lap; more Sacks upon the -Mill. - -_Miss._ Let me go; ar’n’t you sorry for my Heaviness? - -_Neverout._ No, Miss; you are very light; but I don’t say, you are a -light Hussy. Pray, take up the Chair for your Pains. - -_Miss._ ’Tis but one body’s Labour, you may do it yourself: I wish, you -would be quiet, you have more Tricks than a Dancing Bear. - - [——Neverout _rises to take up the Chair, and_ Miss _sits in - his_.—— - -_Neverout._ You wou’dn’t be so soon in my Grave, Madam. - -_Miss._ Lord! I have torn my Petticoat with your odious Romping; my Rents -are coming in; I’m afraid, I shall fall into the Ragman’s Hands. - -_Neverout._ I’ll mend it, Miss. - -_Miss._ You mend it! go, teach your Grannam to suck Eggs. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are so cross, I could find in my Heart to hate -you. - -_Miss._ With all my Heart; there will be no Love lost between us. - -_Neverout._ But, pray, my Lady _Smart_, does not Miss look as if she -could eat me without Salt? - -_Miss._ I’ll make you one Day sup Sorrow for this. - -_Neverout._ Well, follow your own Way, you’ll live the longer. - -_Miss._ See, Madam, how well I have mended it. - -_Lady Smart._ ’Tis indifferent, as _Doll_ danc’d. - -_Neverout._ ’Twill last as many Nights as Days. - -_Miss._ Well, I knew, I should never have your good Word. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord, my Lady _Answerall_ and I was walking in the Park -last Night till near Eleven; ’twas a very fine Night. - -_Neverout._ Egad so was I; and I’ll tell you a comical Accident; egad, I -lost my Under-standing. - -_Miss._ I’m glad you had any to lose. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, but what do you mean? - -_Neverout._ Egad, I kick’d my Foot against a Stone, and tore off the Heel -of my Shoe, and was forc’d to limp to a Cobler in the _Pall Mall_, to -have it put on. He, he, he. - - [_All laugh._ - -_Col._ Oh! ’twas a delicate Night to run away with another Man’s Wife. - - [——Neverout _sneezes_.—— - -_Miss._ God bless you, if you ha’n’t taken Snuff. - -_Neverout._ Why, what if I have, Miss? - -_Miss._ Why, then, the Duce take you. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I want that Diamond-Ring of yours. - -_Miss._ Why, then, Want’s like to be your Master. - - [——Neverout _looking at the Ring_.—— - -_Neverout._ Ay, marry, this is not only but also; where did you get it? - -_Miss._ Why, where ’twas to be had; where the Devil got the Friar. - -_Neverout._ Well; if I had such a fine Diamond-Ring, I woudn’t stay a -Day in _England_: But you know, far-fetch’d and dear-bought is fit for -Ladies. I warrant, this cost your Father Twopence half-penny. - - [——Miss _sitting between_ Neverout _and the_ Colonel.—— - -_Miss._ Well; here’s a Rose between Two Nettles. - -_Neverout._ No, Madam; with Submission, here’s a Nettle between Two Roses. - - [——Colonel _stretching himself_.—— - -_Lady Smart._ Why, Colonel, you break the King’s Laws; you stretch -without a Halter. - -_Lady Answ._ Colonel, some Ladies of your Acquaintance have promis’d to -breakfast with you, and I am to wait on them; what will you give us? - -_Col._ Why, faith, Madam, Batchelors Fare; Bread and Cheese, and Kisses. - -_Lady Answ._ Poh! what have you Batchelors to do with your Money, but to -treat the Ladies? you have nothing to keep but your own Four Quarters. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord, has Captain _Brag_ the Honour to be related to -your Lordship? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Very nearly, Madam; he’s my Cousin-German quite remov’d. - -_Lady Answ._ Pray, is he not rich? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, a rich Rogue, Two Shirts and a Rag. - -_Col._ Well, however, they say, he has a great Estate, but only the Right -Owner keeps him out of it. - -_Lady Smart._ What Religion is he of? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, he is an _Anythingarian_. - -_Lady Answ._ I believe, he has his Religion to chuse, my Lord. - - [——Neverout _scratches his Neck_.—— - -_Miss._ Fie, Mr. _Neverout_, ar’n’t you asham’d! I beg Pardon for -the Expression, but I’m afraid, your Bosom-friends are become your -Back-biters. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss, I saw a Flea once on your Pinner, and a L—— is a -Man’s Companion, but a Flea is a Dog’s Companion: However, I wish, you -would scratch my Neck with your pretty white Hand. - -_Miss._ And who would be Fool then? I wou’dn’t touch a Man’s Flesh for -the Universe: You have the wrong Sow by the Ear, I assure you! that’s -Meat for your Master. - -_Neverout._ Miss _Notable_, all Quarrels laid aside, pray, step hither -for a Moment. - -_Miss._ I’ll wash my Hands, and wait on you, Sir; but, pray, come hither, -and try to open this Lock. - -_Neverout._ We’ll try what we can do. - -_Miss._ We:——What, have you Pigs in your Belly? - -_Neverout._ Miss, I assure you, I am very handy at all Things. - -_Miss._ Marry, hang them that can’t give themselves a good Word: I -believe, you may have an even Hand to throw a L—— in the Fire. - -_Col._ Well, I must be plain; here’s a very bad Smell. - -_Miss._ Perhaps, Colonel, the Fox is the Finder. - -_Neverout._ No, Colonel; ’tis only your Teeth against Rain: But—— - -_Miss._ Colonel, I find, you would make a very bad poor Man’s Sow. - - [——Colonel _coughing_.—— - -_Col._ I have got a sad Cold. - -_Lady Answ._ Ay; ’tis well if one can get any thing these hard Times. - -_Miss._ [_to Col._] Choak, Chicken; there’s more a hatching. - -_Lady Smart._ Pray, Colonel, how did you get that Cold? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Madam, I suppose, the Colonel got it, by lying a Bed -barefoot. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, then, Colonel, you must take it for better for worse, -as a Man takes his Wife. - -_Col._ Well, Ladies, I apprehend you without a Constable. - -_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_! Mr. _Neverout_! come hither this Moment! - -_Lady Smart._ [_imitating her._] Mr. _Neverout_, Mr. _Neverout_! I wish, -he were tied to your Girdle. - -_Neverout._ What’s the Matter! whose Mare’s dead now? - -_Miss._ Take your Labour for your Pains; you may go back again, like a -Fool, as you came. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss; if you deceive me a second time, ’tis my Fault. - -_Lady Smart._ Colonel, methinks your Coat is too short. - -_Col._ It will be long enough before I get another, Madam. - -_Miss._ Come, come; the Coat’s a good Coat, and come of good Friends. - -_Neverout._ Ladies, you are mistaken in the Stuff; ’tis half Silk. - -_Col._ _Tom Neverout_, you are a Fool, and that’s your Fault. - - [——_A great Noise below._—— - -_Lady Smart._ Hey! what a Clattering is here; one would think, Hell was -broke loose. - -_Miss._ Indeed, Madam, I must take my Leave, for I a’n’t well. - -_Lady Smart._ What! you are sick of the Mulligrubs, with eating chopt Hay. - -_Miss._ No, indeed, Madam; I’m sick and hungry, more need of a Cook than -a Doctor. - -_Lady Answ._ Poor Miss, she’s sick as a Cushion, she wants nothing but -stuffing. - -_Col._ If you are sick, you shall have a Caudle of Calf’s Eggs. - -_Neverout._ I can’t find my Gloves. - -_Miss._ I saw the Dog running away with some dirty thing awhile ago. - -_Col._ Miss, you have got my Handkerchief; pray, let me have it. - -_Lady Smart._ No, keep it, Miss; for they say, Possession is Eleven -Points of the Law. - -_Miss._ Madam, he shall ne’er have it again; ’tis in Hucksters Hands. - -_Lady Answ._ What! I see ’tis Raining again. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, then, Madam, we must do, as they do in _Spain_. - -_Miss._ Pray, my Lord, how is that? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Madam, we must let it rain. - - [——Miss _whispers Lady_ Smart.—— - -_Neverout._ There’s no Whispering, but there’s Lying. - -_Miss._ Lord! Mr. _Neverout_, you are as pert as a Pearmonger this -Morning. - -_Neverout._ Indeed, Miss, you are very handsome. - -_Miss._ Poh! I know that already; tell me News. - - [——_Somebody knocks at the Door._—— Footman _comes in_. - -_Footman._ [_to Col._] An please your Honour, there’s a Man below wants -to speak to you. - -_Col._ Ladies, your Pardon for a Minute. - - [Col. _goes out_. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, I sent yesterday to know how you did, but you were -gone abroad early. - -_Miss._ Why, indeed, Madam, I was hunch’d up in a Hackney-Coach with -Three Country Acquaintance, who call’d upon me to take the Air as far as -_Highgate_. - -_Lady Smart._ And had you a pleasant Airing? - -_Miss._ No, Madam; it rain’d all the Time; I was jolted to Death, and -the Road was so bad, that I scream’d every Moment, and call’d to the -Coachman, Pray, Friend, don’t spill us. - -_Neverout._ So, Miss, you were afraid, that Pride wou’d have a Fall. - -_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, when I want a Fool, I’ll send for you. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Miss, didn’t your Left Ear burn last Night? - -_Miss._ Pray, why, my Lord? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Because I was then in some Company where you were -extoll’d to the Skies, I assure you. - -_Miss._ My Lord, that was more their Goodness, than my Desert. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ They said, that you were a complete Beauty. - -_Miss._ My Lord, I am as God made me. - -_Lady Smart._ The Girl’s well enough, if she had but another Nose. - -_Miss._ Oh! Madam, I know I shall always have your good Word; you love to -help a lame Dog over the Style. - - [——_One knocks._—— - -_Lady Smart._ Who’s there? you’re on the wrong Side of the Door; come in, -if you be fat. - - [——Colonel _comes in again_.—— - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Colonel, you are a Man of great Business. - -_Col._ Ay, ay, my Lord, I’m like my Lord Mayor’s Fool; full of Business, -and nothing to do. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord, don’t you think the Colonel mightily fall’n away -of late? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay; fall’n from a Horse-load to a Cart-load. - -_Col._ Why, my Lord, egad I am like a Rabbit, fat and lean in -Four-and-twenty Hours. - -_Lady Smart._ I assure you, the Colonel walks as strait as a Pin. - -_Miss._ Yes; he’s a handsome-body’d Man in the Face. - -_Neverout._ A handsome Foot and Leg: God-a-mercy Shoe and Stocking! - -_Col._ What! Three upon One! that’s foul Play: This wou’d make a Parson -swear. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, what’s the Matter? You look as if you had neither -won nor lost. - -_Col._ Why, you must know, Miss lives upon Love. - -_Miss._ Yes; upon Love and Lumps of the Cupboard. - -_Lady Answ._ Ay; they say, Love and Peas-porridge are two dangerous -Things; one breaks the Heart, and the other the Belly. - -_Miss._ [_imitating Lady_ Answerall’_s Tone._] Very pretty! One breaks -the Heart, and the other the Belly. - -_Lady Answ._ Have a Care; they say, mocking is catching. - -_Miss._ I never heard that. - -_Neverout._ Why, then, Miss, you have a Wrinkle——more than ever you had -before. - -_Miss._ Well; live and learn. - -_Neverout._ Ay; and be hang’d, and forget all. - -_Miss._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, take it as you please; but I swear, you are -a saucy Jack, to use such Expressions. - -_Neverout._ Why, then, Miss, if you go to that, I must tell you, there’s -ne’er a Jack but there’s a Jill. - -_Miss._ Oh! Mr. _Neverout_; every body knows that you are the Pink of -Courtesy. - -_Neverout._ And, Miss, all the World allows, that you are the Flower of -Civility. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, I hear there was a great deal of Company where you -visited last Night: Pray, who were they? - -_Miss._ Why, there was old Lady _Forward_, Miss _To-and-again_, Sir _John -Ogle_, my Lady _Clapper_, and I, quoth the Dog. - -_Col._ Was your Visit long, Miss? - -_Miss._ Why, truly, they went all to the Opera; and so poor Pilgarlick -came Home alone. - -_Neverout._ Alack a day, poor Miss! methinks it grieves me to pity you. - -_Miss._ What, you think, you said a fine Thing now; well, if I had a Dog -with no more Wit, I would hang him. - -_Ld. Smart._ Miss, if it be Manners, may I ask, which is oldest, you or -Lady _Scuttle_? - -_Miss._ Why, my Lord, when I die for Age, she may quake for Fear. - -_Lady Smart._ She’s a very great Gadder abroad. - -_Lady Answ._ Lord! she made me follow her last Week through all the Shops -like a Tantiny Pig. - -_Lady Smart._ I remember, you told me, you had been with her from _Dan_ -to _Beersheba_. - - [——Colonel _spits_.—— - -_Col._ Lord! I shall die; I cannot spit from me. - -_Miss._ Oh! Mr. _Neverout_, my little Countess has just litter’d; speak -me fair, and I’ll set you down for a Puppy. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, if I speak you fair, perhaps I mayn’t tell Truth. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, but _Tom_, smoke that, she calls you Puppy by Craft. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss, you ride the Fore-horse To-day. - -_Miss._ Ay, many a one says well, that thinks ill. - -_Neverout._ Fie, Miss! you said that once before; and, you know, Too much -of one Thing is good for nothing. - -_Miss._ Why, sure, we can’t say a good Thing too often. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, so much for that, and Butter for Fish; let us call -another Cause: Pray, Madam, does your Ladyship know Mrs. _Nice_? - -_Lady Smart._ Perfectly well, my Lord; she’s nice by Name, and nice by -Nature. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Is it possible, she could take that Booby _Tom Blunder_ -for Love? - -_Miss._ She had good Skill in Horse-flesh, that could chuse a Goose to -ride on. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, ’twas her Fate; they say, Marriage and Hanging -go by Destiny. - -_Col._ I believe she’ll never be burnt for a Witch. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ They say, Marriages are made in Heaven; but I doubt, when -she was married, she had no Friend there. - -_Neverout._ Well, she’s got out of God’s Blessing into the warm Sun. - -_Col._ The Fellow’s well enough, if he had any Guts in his Brains. - -_Lady Smart._ They say, thereby hangs a Tale. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, he’s a mere Hobbledehoy, neither a Man nor a Boy. - -_Miss._ Well, if I were to chuse a Husband, I would never be married to a -little Man. - -_Neverout._ Pray, why so, Miss? for they say, of all Evils we ought to -chuse the least. - -_Miss._ Because Folks would say, when they saw us together, There goes -the Woman and her Husband. - -_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] Will your Ladyship be on the _Mall_ To-morrow -Night? - -_Lady Smart._ No, that won’t be proper; you know, To-morrow’s _Sunday_? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ What then, Madam! they say, the better Day, the better -Deed. - -_Lady Answ._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, how do you like Lady _Fruzz_? - -_Neverout._ Pox on her! she’s as old as _Poles_. - -_Miss._ So will you be, if you ben’t hang’d when you’re young. - -_Neverout._ Come, Miss, let us be Friends: Will you go to the Park this -Evening? - -_Miss._ With all my Heart, and a Piece of my Liver; but not with you. - -_Lady Smart._ I’ll tell you one thing, and that’s not two; I’m afraid I -shall get a Fit of the Headach To-day. - -_Col._ Oh! Madam, don’t be afraid, it comes with a Fright. - -_Miss._ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam; one of your Ladyship’s Lappets is longer -than t’other. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, no Matter; they that ride on a trotting Horse will -ne’er perceive it. - -_Neverout._ Indeed, Miss, your Lappets hang worse. - -_Miss._ Well, I love a Lyar in my Heart, and you fit me to a Hair. - - [——Miss _rises up_.—— - -_Neverout._ Duce take you, Miss! you trod on my Foot: I hope you don’t -intend to come to my Bedside. - -_Miss._ In Troth, you are afraid of your Friends, and none of them near -you. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well said, Girl! [_giving her a Chuck._] Take that; they -say, a Chuck under the Chin is worth Two Kisses. - -_Lady Answ._ But, Mr. _Neverout_, I wonder why such a handsome, strait, -young Gentleman as you, do not get some rich Widow. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Strait! Ay, strait as my Leg, and that’s crooked at Knee. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Madam, if it rain’d rich Widows, none of them would -fall upon me. Egad, I was born under a Threepenny Planet, never to be -worth a Groat. - -_Lady Answ._ No, Mr. _Neverout_; I believe you were born with a Cawl on -your Head; you are such a Favourite among the Ladies: But what think you -of Widow _Prim_? she’s immensely rich. - -_Neverout._ Hang her! they say, her Father was a Baker. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay; but it is not what is she? but what has she? now-a-days. - -_Col._ _Tom_, faith, put on a bold Face for once, and have at the Widow. -I’ll speak a good Word for you to her. - -_Lady Answ._ Ay; I warrant, you’ll speak one Word for him, and two for -yourself. - -_Miss._ Well; I had that at my Tongue’s End. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, Miss, they say, good Wits jump. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Madam, I had rather marry a Woman I lov’d, in her -Smock, than Widow _Prim_, if she had her Weight in Gold. - -_Lady Smart._ Come, come, Mr. _Neverout_; Marriage is honourable, but -Housekeeping is a Shrew. - -_Lady Answ._ Consider, Mr. _Neverout_, Four bare Legs in a Bed; and you -are a younger Brother. - -_Col._ Well, Madam; the younger Brother is the better Gentleman: However, -_Tom_, I would advise you to look before you leap. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ The Colonel says true: Besides, you can’t expect to wive -and thrive in the same Year. - -_Miss._ [_shuddering._] Lord! there’s somebody walking over my Grave. - -_Col._ Pray, Lady _Answerall_, where was you last _Wednesday_, when I did -myself the Honour to wait on you? I think, your Ladyship is one of the -Tribe of _Gad_. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, Colonel, I was at Church. - -_Col._ Nay, then will I be hang’d, and my Horse too. - -_Neverout._ I believe her Ladyship was at a Church with a Chimney in it. - -_Miss._ Lord, my Petticoat! how it hangs by Jommetry. - -_Neverout._ Perhaps the Fault may be in your Shape. - -_Miss._ [_looking gravely._] Come, Mr. _Neverout_, there’s no Jest like -the true Jest; but, I suppose, you think my Back’s broad enough to bear -every Thing. - -_Neverout._ Madam, I humbly beg your Pardon. - -_Miss._ Well, Sir, your Pardon’s granted. - -_Neverout._ Well, all Things have an End, and a Pudden has two, up-up-on -my-my-my Word. [_stutters._] - -_Miss._ What! Mr. _Neverout_, can’t you speak without a Spoon? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ [_to Lady Smart._] Has your Ladyship seen the Duchess -since your falling out? - -_Lady Smart._ Never, my Lord, but once at a Visit; and she look’d at me, -as the Devil look’d over _Lincoln_. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, take a Pinch of my Snuff. - -_Miss._ What! you break my Head, and give me a Plaister; well, with all -my Heart; once, and not use it. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss; if you wanted me and your Victuals, you’d want -your Two best Friends. - -_Col._ [_to Neverout._] _Tom_, Miss and you must kiss, and be Friends. - - [Neverout _salutes_ Miss. - -_Miss._ Any thing for a quiet Life: my Nose itch’d, and I knew I should -drink Wine, or kiss a Fool. - -_Col._ Well, _Tom_, if that ben’t fair, hang fair. - -_Neverout._ I never said a rude Thing to a Lady in my Life. - -_Miss._ Here’s a Pin for that Lye; I’m sure Lyars had need of good -Memories. Pray, Colonel, was not he very uncivil to me but just now? - -_Lady Answ._ Mr. _Neverout_, if Miss will be angry for nothing, take my -Council, and bid her turn the Buckle of her Girdle behind her. - -_Neverout._ Come, Lady _Answerall_, I know better Things; Miss and I are -good Friends; don’t put Tricks upon Travellers. - -_Col._ _Tom_, not a Word of the Pudden, I beg you. - -_Lady Smart._ Ah, Colonel! you’ll never be good, nor then neither. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Which of the Goods d’ye mean? good for something, or good -for nothing? - -_Miss._ I have a Blister on my Tongue; yet, I don’t remember, I told a -Lye. - -_Lady Answ._ I thought you did just now. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, what did Thought do? - -_Lady Answ._ Well, for my Life, I cannot conceive what your Lordship -means. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Indeed, Madam, I meant no Harm. - -_Lady Smart._ No, to be sure, my Lord! you are as innocent as a Devil of -Two Years old. - -_Neverout._ Madam, they say, ill Doers are ill Deemers: but I don’t apply -it to your Ladyship. - - [Miss _mending a Hole in her Lace_. - -_Miss._ Well, you see, I’m mending; I hope I shall be good in time; look, -Lady _Answerall_, is not it well mended? - -_Lady Answ._ Ay, this is something like a Tansy. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Miss, you have mended it, as a Tinker mends a Kettle; -stop one Hole, and make two. - -_Lady Smart._ Pray, Colonel, are not you very much tann’d? - -_Col._ Yes, Madam; but a Cup of _Christmas_ Ale will soon wash it off. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Lady _Smart_, does not your Ladyship think, Mrs. _Fade_ -is mightily alter’d since her Marriage? - -_Lady Answ._ Why, my Lord, she was handsome in her Time; but she cannot -eat her Cake, and have her Cake: I hear she’s grown a mere Otomy. - -_Lady Smart._ Poor Creature! the Black has set his Foot upon her already. - -_Miss._ Ay! she has quite lost the Blue on the Plumb. - -_Lady Smart._ And yet, they say, her Husband is very fond of her still. - -_Lady Answ._ Oh! Madam; if she would eat Gold, he would give it her. - -_Neverout._ [_to Lady Smart._] Madam, have you heard, that Lady _Queasy_ -was lately at the Playhouse _incog._? - -_Lady Smart._ What! Lady _Queasy_ of all Women in the World! Do you say -it upon Rep? - -_Neverout._ Poz, I saw her with my own Eyes; she sat among the Mob in the -Gallery; her own ugly Fiz: And she saw me look at her. - -_Col._ Her Ladyship was plaguily bamb’d; I warrant, it put her into the -Hipps. - -_Neverout._ I smoked her huge Nose, and egad she put me in mind of the -Woodcock, that strives to hide his long Bill, and then thinks nobody sees -him. - -_Col._ _Tom_, I advise you hold your Tongue; for you’ll never say so good -a Thing again. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, what are you looking for? - -_Miss._ Oh! Madam; I have lost the finest Needle—— - -_Lady Answ._ Why, seek till you find it, and then you won’t lose your -Labour. - -_Neverout._ The Loop of my Hat is broke; how shall I mend it? [_he -fastens it with a Pin._] Well, hang them, say I, that has no Shift. - -_Miss._ Ay, and hang him, that has one too many. - -_Neverout._ Oh! Miss; I have heard a sad Story of you. - -_Miss._ I defy you, Mr. _Neverout_; nobody can say, Black’s my Eye. - -_Neverout._ I believe, you wish they could. - -_Miss._ Well; but who was your Author? Come, tell Truth, and shame the -Devil. - -_Neverout._ Come then, Miss; guess who it was that told me; come, put on -your Considering-cap. - -_Miss._ Well, who was it? - -_Neverout._ Why, one that lives within a Mile of an Oak. - -_Miss._ Well, go hang yourself in your own Garters; for I’m sure, the -Gallows groans for you. - -_Neverout._ Pretty Miss! I was but in Jest. - -_Miss._ Well, but don’t let that stick in your Gizzard. - -_Col._ My Lord, does your Lordship know Mrs. _Talkall_? - -_Ld. Smart._ Only by Sight; but I hear she has a great deal of Wit; and -egad, as the Saying is, Mettle to the Back. - -_Lady Smart._ So I hear. - -_Col._ Why _Dick Lubber_ said to her t’other Day, Madam, you can’t cry -Bo to a Goose: Yes, but I can, said she; and, egad, cry’d Bo full in his -Face: We all thought we should break our Hearts with laughing. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ That was cutting with a Vengeance: and pr’ythee how did -the Fool look? - -_Col._ Look? Egad he look’d for all the World like an Owl in an Ivy Bush. - - [_A Child comes in screaming._ - -_Miss._ Well, if that Child was mine, I’d whip it till the Blood came; -Peace, you little Vixen! if I were near you, I would not be far from you. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay, ay; Batchelors Wives and Maids Children are finely -tutor’d. - -_Lady Answ._ Come to me, Master; and I’ll give you a Sugar-Plumb. Why, -Miss, you forgot that ever you was a Child yourself. [_She gives the -Child a Lump of Sugar._] I have heard ’em say, Boys will long. - -_Col._ My Lord, I suppose you know, that Mr. _Buzzard_ has married again? - -_Lady Smart._ This is his Fourth Wife; then he has been shod round. - -_Col._ Why, you must know, she had a Month’s Mind to _Dick Frontless_, -and thought to run away with him; but her Parents forc’d her to take the -old Fellow for a good Settlement. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ So the Man got his Mare again. - -_Ld. Smart._ I’m told he said a very good thing to _Dick_; said he, You -think us old Fellows are Fools; but we old Fellows know young Fellows are -Fools. - -_Col._ I know nothing of that; but I know, he’s devilish old, and she’s -very young. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, they call that a Match of the World’s making. - -_Miss._ What if he had been young, and she old? - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, that would have been a Match of the Devil’s -making; but when both are young, that’s a Match of God’s making. - - [Miss _searching her Pockets for her Thimble, brings out a - Nutmeg_. - -_Neverout._ Oh! Miss, have a Care; for if you carry a Nutmeg in your -Pocket, you’ll certainly be marry’d to an old Man. - -_Miss._ Well, and if ever I be marry’d, it shall be to an old Man; they -always make the best Husbands; and it is better to be an old Man’s -Darling than a young Man’s Warling. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Miss, if you speak as you think, I’ll give you my -Mother for a Maid. - - [_Lady_ Smart _rings the Bell_. Footman _comes in_. - -_Lady Smart._ Harkee, you Fellow; run to my Lady _Match_, and desire she -will remember to be here at Six, to play at Quadrille: D’ye hear, if you -fall by the Way, don’t stay to get up again. - -_Footman._ Madam, I don’t know the House. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, that’s not for Want of Ignorance; follow your Nose; -go, enquire among the Servants. - - [Footman _goes out, and leaves the Door open_. - -_Lady Smart._ Here, come back, you Fellow; why did you leave the Door -open? Remember, that a good Servant must always come when he’s call’d, do -what he’s bid, and shut the Door after him. - - [_The_ Footman _goes out again, and falls down Stairs_. - -_Lady Answ._ Neck or nothing; come down, or I’ll fetch you down: Well, -but I hope, the poor Fellow has not sav’d the Hangman a Labour. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Madam, smoke Miss yonder biting her Lips, and playing -with her Fan. - -_Miss._ Who’s that takes my Name in vain? - - [_She runs up to them, and falls down._ - -_Lady Smart._ What, more falling! do you intend the Frolick should go -round? - -_Lady Answ._ Why, Miss, I wish you may not have broke her Ladyship’s -Floor. - -_Neverout._ Miss, come to me, and I’ll take you up. - -_Lady Sparkish._ Well, but without a Jest, I hope, Miss, you are not hurt. - -_Col._ Nay, she must be hurt for certain; for you see, her Head is all of -a Lump. - -_Miss._ Well, remember this, Colonel, when I have Money, and you have -none. - -_Lady Smart._ But, Colonel, when do you design to get a House, and a -Wife, and a Fire to put her in? - -_Miss._ Lord! who would be marry’d to a Soldier, and carry his Knapsack? - -_Neverout._ Oh! Madam: _Mars_ and _Venus_, you know. - -_Col._ Egad, Madam, I’d marry To-morrow, if I thought I could bury my -Wife just when the Honey-Moon is over; but they say, A Woman has as many -Lives as a Cat. - -_Lady Answ._ I find, the Colonel thinks, a dead Wife under the Table is -the best Goods in a Man’s House. - -_Lady Smart._ O but, Colonel, if you had a good Wife, it would break your -Heart to part with her. - -_Col._ Yes, Madam; for they say, he that has lost his Wife and Sixpence, -has lost a Tester. - -_Lady Smart._ But, Colonel, they say, that every marry’d Man should -believe there’s but one good Wife in the World, and that’s his own. - -_Col._ For all that, I doubt, a good Wife must be bespoke, for there is -none ready made. - -_Miss._ I suppose, the Gentleman’s a Woman-Hater; but, Sir, I think, you -ought to remember, that you had a Mother: And pray, if it had not been -for a Woman, where would you have been, Colonel? - -_Col._ Nay, Miss, you cry’d W——e first, when you talk’d of the Knapsack. - -_Lady Answ._ But I hope you won’t blame the whole Sex, because some are -bad. - -_Neverout._ And they say, he that hates Woman, suck’d a Sow. - -_Col._ Oh! Madam; there’s no general Rule without an Exception. - -_Lady Smart._ Then, why don’t you marry, and settle? - -_Col._ Egad, Madam, there’s nothing will settle me but a Bullet. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, Colonel, there’s one Comfort, that you need not -fear a Cannon-Bullet. - -_Col._ Why so, my Lord? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Because they say, he was curs’d in his Mother’s Belly, -that was kill’d by a Cannon-Bullet. - -_Miss._ I suppose, the Colonel was cross’d in his first Love, which makes -him so severe on all the Sex. - -_Lady Answ._ Yes; and I’ll hold a hundred to one, that the Colonel has -been over Head and Ears in Love with some Lady, that has made his Heart -ake. - -_Col._ Oh! Madam, We Soldiers are Admirers of all the fair Sex. - -_Miss._ I wish, I could see the Colonel in Love, till he was ready to -die. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay; but I doubt, few People die for Love in these days. - -_Neverout._ Well, I confess, I differ from the Colonel; for I hope to -have a rich and a handsome Wife yet before I die. - -_Col._ Ay, _Tom_; live Horse, and thou shalt have Grass. - -_Miss._ Well, Colonel; but whatever you say against Women, they are -better Creatures than Men; for Men were made of Clay, but Woman was made -of Man. - -_Col._ Miss, you may say what you please; but, faith, you’ll never lead -Apes in Hell. - -_Neverout._ No, no; I’ll be sworn Miss has not an Inch of Nun’s Flesh -about her. - -_Miss._ I understumble you, Gentlemen. - -_Neverout._ Madam, your humble-cum-dumble. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Miss, when did you see your old Acquaintance Mrs. -_Cloudy_? You and She are Two, I hear. - -_Miss._ See her! marry, I don’t care whether I ever see her again, God -bless my Eye-sight. - -_Lady Answ._ Lord! why she and you were as great as two Inkle-weavers. -I’ve seen her hug you, as the Devil hug’d the Witch. - -_Miss._ That’s true; but I’m told for certain, she’s no better than she -should be. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, God mend us all; but you must allow, the World is -very censorious: I never heard that she was a naughty Pack. - -_Col._ [_to Neverout._] Come, Sir _Thomas_, when the King pleases; when -do you intend to march? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Have Patience. _Tom_, is your Friend _Ned Rattle_ marry’d? - -_Neverout._ Yes, faith, my Lord; he has tied a Knot with his Tongue, that -he can never untie with his Teeth. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay; marry in Haste, and repent at Leisure. - -_Lady Answ._ Has he got a good Fortune with his Lady? for they say, -Something has some Savour, but Nothing has no Flavour. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Madam, all he gets by her, he may put into his Eye, -and see never the worse. - -_Miss._ Then, I believe, he heartily wishes her in _Abraham_’s Bosom. - -_Col._ Pray, my Lord, how does _Charles Limber_ and his fine Wife agree? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, they say, he’s the greatest Cuckold in Town. - -_Neverout._ Oh! but my Lord, you should always except my Lord-Mayor. - -_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_! - -_Neverout._ Hay, Madam, did you call me? - -_Miss._ Hay; why, Hay is for Horses. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, then you may kiss—— - -_Col._ Pray, my Lord, what’s a Clock by your Oracle? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, I can’t tell, I think my Watch runs upon Wheels. - -_Neverout._ Miss, pray be so kind to call a Servant to bring me a Glass -of Small Beer: I know you are at Home here. - -_Miss._ Every Fool can do as they’re bid: Make a Page of your own Age, -and do it yourself. - -_Neverout._ Chuse, proud Fool; I did but ask you. - - [Miss _puts her Hand to her Knee_. - -_Neverout._ What! Miss, are you thinking of your Sweet-Heart? is your -Garter slipping down? - -_Miss._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, keep your Breath to cool your Porridge; -you measure my Corn by your Bushel. - -_Neverout._ Indeed, Miss, you lye.—— - -_Miss._ Did you ever hear any thing so rude? - -_Neverout._ I mean, you lye——under a Mistake. - -_Miss._ If a thousand Lyes could choak you, you would have been choaked -many a Day ago. - - [Miss _tries to snatch_ Neverout’_s Snuff-box_. - -_Neverout._ Madam, you miss’d that, as you miss’d your Mother’s Blessing. - - [_She tries again, and misses._ - -_Neverout._ Snap short makes you look so lean, Miss. - -_Miss._ Poh! you are so robustious, you had like to put out my Eye: I -assure you, if you blind me, you must lead me. - -_Lady Smart._ Dear Miss, be quiet; and bring me a Pin-cushion out of that -Closet. - - [Miss _opens the Closet Door, and squalls_. - -_Lady Smart._ Lord bless the Girl! what’s the Matter now? - -_Miss._ I vow, Madam, I saw something in black, I thought it was a Spirit. - -_Col._ Why, Miss, did you ever see a Spirit? - -_Miss._ No, Sir; I thank God, I never saw any thing worse than myself. - -_Neverout._ Well, I did a very foolish thing yesterday, and was a great -Puppy for my Pains. - -_Miss._ Very likely; for, they say, many a true Word’s spoke in Jest. - - [Footman _returns_. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, did you deliver your Message? You are fit to be sent -for Sorrow, you stay so long by the Way. - -_Footman._ Madam, my Lady was not at Home, so I did not leave the Message. - -_Lady Smart._ This is it to send a Fool of an Errand. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ [_looking at his Watch._] ’Tis past Twelve a Clock. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, what is that among all us? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, I must take my Leave: Come, Gentlemen, are you for -a March? - -_Lady Smart._ Well, but your Lordship and the Colonel will dine with us -To-day; and, Mr. _Neverout_, I hope, we shall have your good Company: -There will be no Soul else, besides my own Lord and these Ladies; for -every body knows, I hate a Croud; I would rather want Vittles than -Elbow-Room: We dine punctually at Three. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Madam, we’ll be sure to attend your Ladyship. - -_Col._ Madam, my Stomach serves me instead of a Clock. - - [_Another_ Footman _comes back_. - -_Lady Smart._ Oh! you are the t’other Fellow I sent: Well, have you been -with my Lady _Club_? You are good to send of a dead Man’s Errand. - -_Footman._ Madam, my Lady _Club_ begs your Ladyship’s Pardon; but she is -engaged To-night. - -_Miss._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, here’s the Back of my Hand to you. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I find, you will have the last Word. Ladies, I am more -yours than my own. - - - - -POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC. - -DIALOGUE II. - -_Lord_ Smart _and the former Company at Three a Clock coming to dine_. - - - [_After Salutations._ - -_Lord Smart._ I’m sorry I was not at Home this Morning when you all did -us the Honour to call here: But I went to the Levee To-day. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Oh! my Lord; I’m sure the Loss was ours. - -_Lady Smart._ Gentlemen and Ladies, you are come to a sad dirty House; I -am sorry for it, but we have had our Hands in Mortar. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Oh! Madam; your Ladyship is pleas’d to say so, but I -never saw any thing so clean and so fine; I profess, it is a perfect -Paradise. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord, your Lordship is always very obliging. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Madam, whose Picture is that? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, my Lord, it was drawn for me. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ I’ll swear, the Painter did not flatter your Ladyship. - -_Col._ My Lord, the Day is finely clear’d up. - -_Ld. Smart._ Ay, Colonel; ’tis a pity that fair Weather should ever do -any Harm. [_To Neverout._] Why, _Tom_, you are high in the Mode. - -_Neverout._ My Lord, it is better be out of the World, than out of the -Fashion. - -_Ld. Smart._ But, _Tom_, I hear, You and Miss are always quarrelling; I -fear, it is your Fault; for I can assure you, she is very good-humour’d. - -_Neverout._ Ay, my Lord; so is the Devil when he’s pleas’d. - -_Ld. Smart._ Miss, what do you think of my Friend _Tom_? - -_Miss._ My Lord, I think, he’s not the wisest Man in the World; and -truly, he’s sometimes very rude. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ That may be true; but, yet, he that hangs _Tom_ for a -Fool, may find a Knave in the Halter. - -_Miss._ Well, however, I wish he were hang’d, if it were only to try. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss, if I must be hang’d, I won’t go far to chuse my -Gallows; it shall be about your fair Neck. - -_Miss._ I’ll see your Nose Cheese first, and the Dogs eating it: But, my -Lord, Mr. _Neverout_’s Wit begins to run low, for I vow, he said this -before: Pray, Colonel, give him a Pinch, and I’ll do as much for you. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ My Lady _Smart_, your Ladyship has a very fine Scarf. - -_Lady Smart._ Yes, my Lord; it will make a flaming Figure in a Country -Church. - - [Footman _comes in_. - -_Footman._ Madam, Dinner’s upon the Table. - -_Col._ Faith, I’m glad of it; my Belly began to cry Cupboard. - -_Neverout._ I wish I may never hear worse News. - -_Miss._ What! Mr. _Neverout_, you are in great Haste; I believe, your -Belly thinks your Throat’s cut. - -_Neverout._ No, faith, Miss; Three Meals a Day, and a good Supper at -Night, will serve my Turn. - -_Miss._ To say the Truth, I’m hungry. - -_Neverout._ And I’m angry, so let us both go fight. - - [_They go in to Dinner, and after the usual Compliments, take - their Seats._ - -_Lady Smart._ Ladies and Gentlemen, will you eat any Oysters before -Dinner? - -_Col._ With all my Heart. [_Takes an Oyster._] He was a bold Man, that -first eat an Oyster. - -_Lady Smart._ They say, Oysters are a cruel Meat, because we eat them -alive: Then they are an uncharitable Meat, for we leave nothing to the -Poor; and they are an ungodly Meat, because we never say Grace. - -_Neverout._ Faith, that’s as well said, as if I had said it myself. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, we are well set, if we be but as well serv’d: Come, -Colonel, handle your Arms; shall I help you to some Beef? - -_Col._ If your Ladyship please; and, pray, don’t cut like a -Mother-in-Law, but send me a large Slice; for I love to lay a good -Foundation. I vow, ’tis a noble Sirloyn. - -_Neverout._ Ay; here’s cut, and come again. - -_Miss._ But, pray, why is it call’d a Sirloyn? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, you must know, that our King _James_ the First, who -lov’d good Eating, being invited to Dinner by one of his Nobles, and -seeing a large Loyn of Beef at his Table, he drew out his Sword, and in a -Frolic knighted it. Few People know the Secret of this. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Beef is Man’s Meat, my Lord. - -_Ld. Smart._ But, my Lord, I say, Beef is the King of Meat. - -_Miss._ Pray, what have I done, that I must not have a Plate? - -_Lady Smart._ [_to Lady Answ._] What will your Ladyship please to eat? - -_Lady Answ._ Pray, Madam, help yourself. - -_Col._ They say, Eating and Scratching wants but a Beginning: If you will -give me Leave, I’ll help myself to a Slice of this Shoulder of Veal. - -_Lady Smart._ Colonel, you can’t do a kinder thing: Well, you are all -heartily welcome, as I may say. - -_Col._ They say, there are Thirty-and-two good Bits in a Shoulder of Veal. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay, Colonel; Thirty bad Bits, and Two good ones: you see, I -understand you; but I hope, you have got one of the two good ones. - -_Neverout._ Colonel, I’ll be of your Mess. - -_Col._ Then, pray, _Tom_, carve for yourself: They say, Two Hands in a -Dish, and One in a Purse: Hah, said I well, _Tom_? - -_Neverout._ Colonel, you spoke like an Oracle. - -_Miss._ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, will your Ladyship help me to some Fish? - -_Ld. Smart._ [_to Neverout._] _Tom_, they say, Fish should swim thrice. - -_Neverout._ How is that, my Lord? - -_Ld. Smart._ Why, _Tom_, first it should swim in the Sea, (do you mind -me?) then it should swim in Butter; and at last, Sirrah, it should swim -in good Claret. I think, I have made it out. - -_Footman._ [_to Ld. Smart._] My Lord, Sir _John Linger_ is coming up. - -_Ld. Smart._ God so! I invited him to dine with me To-day, and forgot -it: Well, desire him to walk in. - - [_Sir_ John Linger _comes in_. - -_Sir John._ What! are you at it? Why, then, I’ll be gone. - -_Lady Smart._ Sir _John_, I beg you will sit down: Come, the more the -merrier. - -_Sir John._ Ay; but the fewer the better Cheer. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, I am the worst in the World at making Apologies; it -was my Lord’s Fault: I doubt you must kiss the Hare’s Foot. - -_Sir John._ I see you are fast by the Teeth. - -_Col._ Faith, Sir _John_, we are killing that, that would kill us. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ You see, Sir _John_, we are upon a Business of Life and -Death: Come, will you do as we do? You are come in Pudden-Time. - -_Sir John._ Ay; this would you be doing if I were dead. What! you keep -Court-Hours I see: I’ll be going, and get a Bit of Meat at my Inn. - -_Lady Smart._ Why, we won’t eat you, Sir _John_. - -_Sir John._ It is my own Fault; but I was kept by a Fellow who bought -some _Derbyshire_ Oxen from me. - -_Neverout._ You see, Sir _John_, we stay’d for you, as one Horse does for -another. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord, will you help Sir _John_ to some Beef? Lady -_Answerall_, pray, eat, you see your Dinner: I am sure, if we had known -we should have such good Company, we should have been better provided; -but you must take the Will for the Deed. I’m afraid you are invited to -your Loss. - -_Col._ And, pray, Sir _John_, how do you like the Town? You have been -absent a long Time. - -_Sir John._ Why, I find, little _London_ stands just where it did when I -left it last. - -_Neverout._ What do you think of _Hannover-Square_? Why, Sir _John_, -_London_ is gone out of Town since you saw it. - -_Lady Smart._ Sir _John_, I can only say, you are heartily welcome; and I -wish I had something better for you. - -_Col._ Here’s no Salt; Cuckolds will run away with the Meat. - -_Ld. Smart._ Pray, edge a little, to make more Room for Sir _John_: Sir -_John_, fall to, you know Half an Hour is soon lost at Dinner. - -_Sir John._ I protest I can’t eat a Bit, for I took Share of a Beef-stake -and Two Muggs of Ale with my Chapman, besides a Tankard of _March_ Beer, -as soon as I got out of Bed. - -_Lady Answ._ Not fresh and fasting, I hope? - -_Sir John._ Yes, faith, Madam; I always wash my Kettle before I put the -Meat in it. - -_Lady Smart._ Poh! Sir _John_; you have seen Nine Houses since you -eat last: Come, you have kept a Corner of your Stomach for a Piece of -Venison-Pasty. - -_Sir John._ Well, I’ll try what I can do, when it comes up. - -_Lady Answ._ Come, Sir _John_, you may go further, and fare worse. - -_Miss._ [_to Neverout._] Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, will you please to send me -a Piece of Tongue? - -_Neverout._ By no means, Madam; one Tongue’s enough for a Woman. - -_Col._ Miss, here’s a Tongue that never told a Lye. - -_Miss._ That was, because it could not speak. Why, Colonel, I never told -a Lye in my Life. - -_Neverout._ I appeal to all the Company, whether that be not the greatest -Lye that ever was told. - -_Col._ [_to Neverout._] Pr’ythee, _Tom_, send me the Two Legs and Rump -and Liver of that Pigeon; for, you must know, I love what nobody else -loves. - -_Neverout._ But what if any of the Ladies should long? Well, here take -it, and the D—l do you good with it. - -_Lady Answ._ Well; this Eating and Drinking takes away a body’s Stomach. - -_Neverout._ I am sure I have lost mine. - -_Miss._ What! the Bottom of it, I suppose. - -_Neverout._ No, really, Miss; I have quite lost it. - -_Miss._ I should be very sorry a poor body had found it. - -_Lady Smart._ But, Sir _John_, we hear you are marry’d since we saw you -last: What! you have stolen a Wedding it seems. - -_Sir John._ Well; one can’t do a foolish thing once in one’s Life, but -one must hear of it a hundred times. - -_Col._ And pray, Sir _John_, how does your Lady unknown? - -_Sir John._ My Wife’s well, Colonel; and at your Service in a civil way. -Ha, ha. [_he laughs._ - -_Miss._ Pray, Sir _John_, is your Lady tall or short? - -_Sir John._ Why, Miss, I thank God, she is a Little Evil. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Come, give me a Glass of Claret. - - [Footman _fills him a Bumper_. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why do you fill so much? - -_Neverout._ My Lord, he fills as he loves you. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, shall I send you some Cowcomber? - -_Miss._ Madam, I dare not touch it; for they say, Cowcombers are cold in -the third Degree. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, do you love Pudden? - -_Neverout._ Madam, I’m like all Fools, I love every thing that is good; -but the Proof of the Pudden is in the Eating. - -_Col._ Sir _John_, I hear you are a great Walker when you are at Home. - -_Sir John._ No, faith, Colonel; I always love to walk with a Horse in my -Hand: But I have had devilish bad Luck in Horse-flesh of late. - -_Ld. Smart._ Why then, Sir _John_, you must kiss a Parson’s Wife. - -_Lady Smart._ They say, Sir _John_, that your Lady has a great deal of -Wit. - -_Sir John._ Madam, she can make a Pudden; and has just Wit enough to know -her Husband’s Breeches from another Man’s. - -_Lady Smart._ My Lord _Sparkish_, I have some excellent Cyder, will you -please to taste it? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ My Lord, I should like it well enough, if it were not so -treacherous. - -_Ld. Smart._ Pray, my Lord, how is it treacherous? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Because it smiles in my Face, and cuts my Throat. [_Here -a loud laugh._] - -_Miss._ Odd-so! Madam; your Knives are very sharp, for I have cut my -Finger. - -_Lady Smart._ I am sorry for it; pray, which Finger? (God bless the Mark.) - -_Miss._ Why, this Finger: No, ’tis this: I vow I can’t find which it is. - -_Neverout._ Ay; the Fox had a Wound, and he could not tell where, _&c._ -Bring some Water to throw in her Face. - -_Miss._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, did you ever draw a Sword in Anger? I -warrant you would faint at the Sight of your own Blood. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, shall I send you some Veal? - -_Neverout._ No, Madam; I don’t love it. - -_Miss._ Then pray for them that do. I desire your Ladyship will send me a -Bit. - -_Ld. Smart._ _Tom_, my Service to you. - -_Neverout._ My Lord, this Moment I did myself the Honour to drink to your -Lordship. - -_Ld. Smart._ Why then that’s _Hartfordshire_ Kindness. - -_Neverout._ Faith, my Lord, I pledged myself, for I drank twice together -without thinking. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why then, Colonel, my humble Service to You. - -_Neverout._ Pray, my Lord, don’t make a Bridge of my Nose. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, a Glass of this Wine is as comfortable as Matrimony -to an old Woman. - -_Col._ Sir _John_, I design one of these Days to come and beat up your -Quarters in _Derbyshire_. - -_Sir John._ Faith, Colonel, come and welcome; and stay away, and -heartily welcome: But you were born within the Sound of _Bow_ Bell, and -don’t care to stir so far from _London_. - -_Miss._ Pray, Colonel, send me some Fritters. - - [_Colonel takes them out with his Hand._ - -_Col._ Here, Miss; they say, Fingers were made before Forks, and Hands -before Knives. - -_Lady Smart._ Methinks this Pudden is too much boil’d. - -_Ld. Answ._ Oh! Madam, they say, a Pudden is Poison when it’s too much -boil’d. - -_Neverout._ Miss, shall I help you to a Pigeon? Here’s a Pigeon so finely -roasted, it cries, Come eat me. - -_Miss._ No, Sir; I thank you. - -_Neverout._ Why, then you may chuse. - -_Miss._ I have chosen already. - -_Neverout._ Well, you may be worse offer’d, before you are twice marry’d. - - [_The Colonel fills a large Plate of Soupe._ - -_Ld. Smart._ Why, Colonel, you don’t mean to eat all that Soupe? - -_Col._ O my Lord, this is my sick Dish; when I am well, I’ll have a -bigger. - -_Miss_ [_to Col._] Sup, _Simon_; very good Broth. - -_Neverout._ This seems to be a good Pullet. - -_Miss._ I warrant, Mr. _Neverout_ knows what’s good for himself. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ _Tom_, I shan’t take your Word for it; help me to a Wing. - - [Neverout _tryes to cut off a Wing_. - -_Neverout._ Egad I can’t hit the Joint. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, then, think of a Cuckold. - -_Neverout._ Oh! now I have nick’d it. - - [_Gives it Ld._ Sparkish. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, a Man may eat this, tho’ his Wife lay a dying. - -_Col._ Pray, Friend, give me a Glass of Small Beer, if it be good. - -_Ld. Smart._ Why, Colonel, they say, there is no such thing as good Small -Beer, good Brown Bread, or a good Old Woman. - -_Lady Smart._ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; I -did not see you when I was cutting that Bit. - -_Lady Answ._ Oh! Madam; after you is good Manners. - -_Lady Smart._ Lord! here’s a Hair in the Sauce. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Then set the Hounds after it. - -_Neverout._ Pray, Colonel, help me however to some of that same Sauce. - -_Col._ Come; I think you are more Sauce than Pig. - -_Ld. Smart._ Sir _John_, chear up: My Service to you: Well, what do you -think of the World to come? - -_Sir John._ Truly, my Lord, I think of it as little as I can. - -_Lady Smart_ [_putting a Scewer on a Plate._] Here, take this Scewer, and -carry it down to the Cook, to dress it for her own Dinner. - -_Neverout._ I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; but this Small Beer is dead. - -_Lady Smart._ Why, then, let it be bury’d. - -_Col._ This is admirable Black Pudden: Miss, shall I carve you some? -I can just carve Pudden, and that’s all; I am the worst Carver in the -World; I should never make a good Chaplain. - -_Miss._ No, thank ye, Colonel; for they say, those that eat Black Pudden -will dream of the Devil. - -_Ld. Smart._ O, here comes the Venison-Pasty: Here, take the Soupe away. - -_Ld. Smart._ [_He cuts it up, and tastes the Venison._] ’Sbuds! this -Venison is musty. - - [Neverout _eats a Piece, and it burns his Mouth_. - -_Ld. Smart._ What’s the Matter, _Tom_? You have Tears in your Eyes, I -think: What dost cry for, Man? - -_Neverout._ My Lord, I was just thinking of my poor Grandmother; She died -just this very Day Seven Years. - - [Miss _takes a Bit, and burns her Mouth_. - -_Neverout._ And, pray, Miss, why do you cry too? - -_Miss._ Because you were not hang’d the Day your Grandmother died. - -_Ld. Smart._ I’d have given Forty Pounds, Miss, to have said that. - -_Col._ Egad, I think, the more I eat, the hungrier I am. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Colonel, they say, one Shoulder of Mutton drives -down another. - -_Neverout._ Egad, if I were to fast for my Life, I would take a good -Breakfast in the Morning, a good Dinner at Noon, and a good Supper at -Night. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ My Lord, this Venison is plaguily pepper’d; your Cook has -a heavy Hand. - -_Ld. Smart._ My Lord, I hope, you are Pepper-proof: Come, here’s a Health -to the Founders. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay; and to the Confounders too. - -_Ld. Smart._ Lady _Answerall_, does not your Ladyship love Venison? - -_Lady Answ._ No, my Lord, I can’t endure it in my Sight, therefore please -to send me a good Piece of Meat and Crust. - -_Ld. Sparkish_ [_drinks to Neverout._] Come, _Tom_; not always to my -Friends, but once to you. - -_Neverout_ [_drinks to Lady Smart._] Come, Madam; here’s a Health to our -Friends, and hang the rest of our Kin. - -_Lady Smart_ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, will your Ladyship have any of this -Hare? - -_Lady Answ._ No, Madam; they say, ’tis melancholy Meat. - -_Lady Smart._ Then, Madam, shall I send you the Brains? I beg your -Ladyship’s Pardon; for they say, ’tis not good Manners to offer Brains. - -_Lady Answ._ No, Madam; for perhaps it will make me hare-brain’d. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I must tell you one thing. - -_Miss_ [_with a Glass in her Hand._] Hold your Tongue, Mr. _Neverout_; -don’t speak in my Tip. - -_Col._ Well, he was an ingenious Man, that first found out Eating and -Drinking. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Of all Vittles Drink digests the quickest: Give me a -Glass of Wine. - -_Neverout._ My Lord, your Wine is too strong. - -_Ld. Smart._ Ay, _Tom_; as much as you are too good. - -_Miss._ This Almond Pudden was pure good; but it is grown quite cold. - -_Neverout._ So much the better, Miss; cold Pudden will settle your Love. - -_Miss._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, are you going to take a Voyage? - -_Neverout._ Why do you ask, Miss? - -_Miss._ Because you have laid in so much Beef. - -_Sir John._ You Two have eat up the whole Pudden betwixt you. - -_Miss._ Sir _John_, here’s a little Bit left; will you please to have it? - -_Sir John._ No, thankee; I don’t love to make a Fool of my Mouth. - -_Col._ [_calling to the Butler._] _John_, is your Small Beer good? - -_Butler._ An please your Honour, my Lord and Lady like it; I think it is -good. - -_Col._ Why then, _John_, d’yesee? if you are sure your Small Beer is -good, d’yemark? Then, give me a Glass of Wine. - - [_All laugh._ - - [_Colonel tasting the Wine._ - -_Ld. Smart._ Sir _John_, how does your Neighbour _Gatherall_ of the -_Peak_? I hear, he has lately made a Purchase. - -_Sir John._ Oh, _Dick Gatherall_ knows how to butter his Bread, as well -as any Man in _Darbyshire_. - -_Ld. Smart._ Why, he us’d to go very fine, when he was here in Town. - -_Sir John._ Ay; and it became him, as a Saddle becomes a Sow. - -_Col._ I know his Lady, and I think she is a very good Woman. - -_Sir John._ Faith, she has more Goodness in her little Finger, than he -has in his whole Body. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, Colonel, how do you like that Wine? - -_Col._ This Wine should be eaten; it is too good to be drunk. - -_Ld. Smart._ I’m very glad you like it; and pray don’t spare it. - -_Col._ No, my Lord; I’ll never starve in a Cook’s Shop. - -_Ld. Smart._ And pray, Sir _John_, what do You say to my Wine? - -_Sir John._ I’ll take another Glass first; second Thoughts are best. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Pray, Lady _Smart_, you sit near that Ham; will you -please to send me a Bit? - -_Lady Smart._ With all my Heart. [_She sends him a Piece._] Pray, my -Lord, how do you like it? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ I think it is a Limb of _Lot_’s Wife. [_He eats it with -Mustard._] Egad, my Lord, your Mustard is very uncivil. - -_Ld. Smart._ Why uncivil, my Lord? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Because it takes me by the Nose, egad. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, I find you are a very good Carver. - -_Col._ O Madam, that is no Wonder; for you must know, _Tom Neverout_ -carves a _Sundays_. - - [Neverout _overturns the Salt-celler_. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, you have overturn’d the Salt, and that’s a -Sign of Anger: I’m afraid, Miss and You will fall out. - -_Lady Answ._ No, no; throw a little of it into the Fire, and all will be -well. - -_Neverout._ O Madam, the falling out of Lovers, you know. - -_Miss._ Lovers! very fine! fall out with Him! I wonder when we were in! - -_Sir John._ For my Part, I believe, the young Gentlewoman is his -Sweetheart; there’s so much Fooling and Fidling betwixt them: I’m sure, -they say in our Country, that — — — is the Beginning of Love. - -_Miss._ I own, I love Mr. _Neverout_, as the Devil loves Holy Water; I -love him like Pye, I’d rather the Devil had him than I. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I’ll tell you one thing. - -_Miss._ Come, here’s t’ ye, to stop your Mouth. - -_Neverout._ I’d rather you would stop it with a Kiss. - -_Miss._ A Kiss! marry come up, my dirty Cousin; are you no sicker? Lord, -I wonder what Fool it was that first invented Kissing! - -_Neverout._ Well, I’m very dry. - -_Miss._ Then you’re the better to burn, and the worse to fry. - -_Lady Answ._ God bless you, Colonel; you have a good Stroke with you. - -_Col._ O Madam; formerly I could eat all, but now I leave nothing; I eat -but one Meal a Day. - -_Miss._ What! I suppose, Colonel, that’s from Morning till Night. - -_Neverout._ Faith, Miss; and well was his Wont. - -_Ld. Smart._ Pray, Lady _Answerall_, taste this Bit of Venison. - -_Lady Answ._ I hope, your Lordship will set me a good Example. - -_Ld. Smart._ Here’s a Glass of Cyder fill’d: Miss, you must drink it. - -_Miss._ Indeed, my Lord, I can’t. - -_Neverout._ Come, Miss; better Belly burst, than good Liquor be lost. - -_Miss._ Pish! well in Life there was never any thing so teizing; I had -rather shed it in my Shoes: I wish it were in your Guts, for my Share. - -_Ld. Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, you han’t tasted my Cyder yet. - -_Neverout._ No, my Lord: I have been just eating Soupe; and they say, if -one drinks in one’s Porridge, one will cough in one’s Grave. - -_Ld. Smart._ Come, take Miss’s Glass, she wish’d it was in your Guts; let -her have her Wish for once: Ladies can’t abide to have their Inclinations -cross’d. - -_Lady Smart_ [_to Sir John._] I think, Sir _John_, you have not tasted -the Venison yet. - -_Sir John._ I seldom eat it, Madam: However, please to send me a little -of the Crust. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, Sir _John_, you had as good eat the Devil as the -Broth he’s boil’d in. - -_Col._ Well, this Eating and Drinking takes away a body’s Stomach, as -Lady _Answerall_ says. - -_Neverout._ I have dined as well as my Lord Mayor. - -_Miss._ I thought I could have eaten this Wing of a Chicken; but my Eye’s -bigger than my Belly. - -_Ld. Smart._ Indeed, Lady _Answerall_, you have eaten nothing. - -_Lady Answ._ Pray, my Lord, see all the Bones on my Plate: They say, a -Carpenter’s known by his Chips. - -_Neverout._ Miss, will you reach me that Glass of Jelly? - -_Miss_ [_giving it to him._] You see, ’tis but ask and have. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I would have a bigger Glass. - -_Miss._ What! you don’t know your own Mind; you are neither well, full -nor fasting; I think that is enough. - -_Neverout._ Ay, one of the Enough’s; I am sure it is little enough. - -_Miss._ Yes; but you know, sweet Things are bad for the Teeth. - -_Neverout_ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, I don’t like that Part of the Veal -you sent me. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, Mr. _Neverout_, I find you are a true _Englishman_; -you never know when you are well. - -_Col._ Well, I have made my whole Dinner of Beef. - -_Lady Answ._ Why, Colonel, a Belly-full’s a Belly-full, if it be but of -Wheat-straw. - -_Col._ Well, after all, Kitchen-Physic is the best Physic. - -_Ld. Smart._ And the best Doctors in the World are Doctor _Dyet_, Doctor -_Quiet_, and Doctor _Merryman_. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ What do you think of a little House well fill’d? - -_Sir John._ And a little Land well till’d? - -_Col._ Ay; and a little Wife well will’d? - -_Neverout._ My Lady _Smart_, pray help me to some of the Breast of that -Goose. - -_Ld. Smart._ _Tom_, I have heard, that Goose upon Goose is false Heraldry. - -_Miss._ What! will you never have done stuffing? - -_Ld. Smart._ This Goose is quite raw: Well, God sends Meat, but the Devil -sends Cooks. - -_Neverout._ Miss, can you tell which is the white Goose, or the gray -Goose the Gander? - -_Miss._ They say, a Fool will ask more Questions than the wisest body can -answer. - -_Col._ Indeed, Miss, _Tom Neverout_ has posed you. - -_Miss._ Why, Colonel, every Dog has his Day; but, I believe, I shall -never see a Goose again without thinking on Mr. _Neverout_. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well said, Miss; faith. Girl, thou hast brought thyself off -cleverly. _Tom_, what say you to that? - -_Col._ Faith, _Tom_ is nonplust; he looks plaguily down in the Mouth. - -_Miss._ Why, my Lord, you see he is the provokingest Creature in Life; I -believe there is not such another in the varsal World. - -_Lady Answ._ Oh, Miss! the World’s a wide Place. - -_Neverout._ Well, Miss, I’ll give you Leave to call me any thing, if you -don’t call me Spade. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, but, after all, _Tom_, can you tell me what’s _Latin_ -for a Goose. - -_Neverout._ O my Lord, I know that; why _Brandy_ is _Latin_ for a Goose, -and _Tace_ is _Latin_ for a Candle. - -_Miss._ Is that Manners, to shew your Learning before Ladies? Methinks -you are grown very brisk of a sudden; I think the Man’s glad he’s alive. - -_Sir John._ The Devil take your Wit, if this be Wit; for it spoils -Company: Pray, Mr. _Butler_, bring me a Dram after my Goose; ’tis very -good for the Wholsoms. - -_Ld. Smart._ Come, bring me the Loaf; I sometimes love to cut my own -Bread. - -_Miss._ I suppose, my Lord, you lay longest a Bed To-day. - -_Ld. Smart._ Miss, if I had said so, I should have told a Fib; I warrant -you lay a Bed till the Cows came Home: But, Miss, shall I cut you a -little Crust now my Hand is in? - -_Miss._ If you please, my Lord, a Bit of Under-crust. - -_Neverout._ [_whispering Miss._] I find, you love to lie under. - -_Miss._ _aloud_ [_pushing him from her._] What does the Man mean! Sir, I -don’t understand you at all. - -_Neverout._ Come, all Quarrels laid aside: Here, Miss, may you live a -thousand Years. - - [_He drinks to her._ - -_Miss._ Pray, Sir, don’t stint me. - -_Ld. Smart._ Sir _John_, will you taste my _October_? I think it is very -good; but I believe not equal to yours in _Darbyshire_. - -_Sir John._ My Lord, I beg your Pardon; but they say, the Devil made -Askers. - -_Ld. Smart._ [_to the Butler._] Here, bring up the great Tankard full of -_October_ for Sir _John_. - -_Col._ [_drinking to Miss._] Miss, your Health; may you live all the Days -of your Life. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, Miss, you’ll certainly be soon marry’d; here’s Two -Batchelors drinking to you at once. - -_Lady Smart._ Indeed, Miss, I believe you were wrapt in your Mother’s -Smock, you are so well belov’d. - -_Miss._ Where’s my Knife? Sure I han’t eaten it. Oh! here it is. - -_Sir John._ No, Miss; but your Maidenhead hangs in your Light. - -_Miss._ Pray, Sir _John_, is that a _Darbyshire_ Compliment? Here, Mr. -_Neverout_, will you take this Piece of Rabbit that you bid me carve for -you? - -_Neverout._ I don’t know. - -_Miss._ Why, take it, or let it alone. - -_Neverout._ I will. - -_Miss._ What will you? - -_Neverout._ Why, I’ll take it, or let it alone. - -_Miss._ You are a provoking Creature. - -_Sir John_ [_talking with a Glass of Wine in his Hand._] I remember a -Farmer in our Country—— - -_Ld. Smart_ [_interrupting him._] Pray, Sir _John_, did you ever hear of -Parson _Palmer_? - -_Sir John._ No, my Lord; what of him? - -_Ld. Smart._ Why, he used to preach over his Liquor. - -_Sir John._ I beg your Pardon; here’s your Lordship’s Health: I’d drink -it up, if it were a Mile to the Bottom. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, have you been at the new Play? - -_Neverout._ Yes, Madam; I went the first Night. - -_Lady Smart._ Well; and how did it take? - -_Neverout._ Why, Madam, the Poet is damn’d. - -_Sir John._ God forgive you! that’s very uncharitable: you ought not to -judge so rashly of any Christian. - -_Neverout_ [_whispers Lady Smart._] Was ever such a Dunce? How well he -knows the Town! see, how he stares like a Stuck-Pig! Well, but, Sir -_John_, are you acquainted with any of our fine Ladies yet? any of our -famous Toasts? - -_Sir John._ No; damn your Fireships, I have a Wife of my own. - -_Lady Smart._ Pray, my Lady _Answerall_, how do you like these preserv’d -Oranges? - -_Lady Answ._ Indeed, Madam, the only Fault I find is, that they are too -good. - -_Lady Smart._ O Madam; I have heard ’em say, that too good is stark -naught. - - [Miss _drinking Part of a Glass of Wine_. - -_Neverout._ Pray, let me drink your Snuff. - -_Miss._ No, indeed; you shan’t drink after me, for you’ll know my -Thoughts. - -_Neverout._ I know them already; you are thinking of a good Husband: -Besides, I can tell your Meaning by your Mumping. - -_Lady Smart._ Pray, my Lord, did not you order the Butler to bring up a -Tankard of our _October_ to Sir _John_? I believe, they stay to brew it. - - [_The_ Butler _brings up the Tankard to_ Sir John. - -_Sir John._ Won’t your Ladyship please to drink first? - -_Lady Smart._ No, Sir _John_; ’tis in a very good Hand; I’ll pledge you. - -_Col._ [_to Ld. Smart._] My Lord, I love _October_ as well as Sir _John_; -and I hope, you won’t make Fish of one, and Flesh of another. - -_Ld. Smart._ Colonel, you’re heartily welcome. Come, Sir _John_, take it -by Word of Mouth, and then give it the Colonel. - - [Sir John _drinks_. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, Sir _John_, how do you like it? - -_Sir John._ Not as well as my own in _Darbyshire_; ’tis plaguy small. - -_Lady Smart._ I never taste Malt Liquor; but they say, ’tis well hopt. - -_Sir John._ Hopt! why, if it had hopp’d a little further, it would have -hopp’d into the River. O my Lord, my Ale is Meat, Drink and Cloth; it -will make a Cat speak, and a wise Man dumb. - -_Lady Smart._ I was told, ours was very strong. - -_Sir John._ Ay, Madam, strong of the Water; I believe the Brewer -forgot the Malt, or the River was too near him: Faith, it is mere -Whip-Belly-Vengeance; he that drinks most has the worst Share. - -_Col._ I believe, Sir _John_, Ale is as Plenty as Water at your House. - -_Sir John._ Why, faith, at _Christmas_ we have many Comers and Goers; and -they must not be sent away without a Cup of _Christmas_ Ale, for fear -they should —— behind the Door. - -_Lady Smart._ I hear, Sir _John_ has the nicest Garden in _England_; they -say, ’tis kept so clean, that you can’t find a Place where to spit. - -_Sir John._ O Madam; you are pleased to say so. - -_Lady Smart._ But, Sir _John_, your Ale is terrible strong and heady in -_Derbyshire_, and will soon make one drunk and sick; what do you then? - -_Sir John._ Why, indeed, it is apt to fox one; but our Way is, to take a -Hair of the same Dog next Morning.——I take a new-laid Egg for Breakfast; -and, faith, one should drink as much after an Egg as after an Ox. - -_Ld. Smart._ _Tom Neverout_, will you taste a Glass of the _October_? - -_Neverout._ No, faith, my Lord; I like your Wine, and I won’t put a -Churle upon a Gentleman; your Honour’s Claret is good enough for me. - -_Lady Smart._ What! is this Pigeon left for Manners? Colonel, shall I -send you the Legs and Rump? - -_Col._ Madam, I could not eat a Bit more, if the House was full. - -_Ld. Smart_ [_carving a Partridge._] Well; one may ride to _Rumford_ upon -this Knife, it is so blunt. - -_Lady Answ._ My Lord, I beg your Pardon; but they say, an ill Workman -never had good Tools. - -_Ld. Smart._ Will your Lordship have a Wing of it? - -_Ld. Sparkish._ No, my Lord; I love the Wing of an Ox a great deal better. - -_Ld. Smart._ I’m always cold after Eating. - -_Col._ My Lord, they say, that’s a Sign of long Life. - -_Ld. Smart._ Ay; I believe I shall live till all my Friends are weary of -me. - -_Col._ Pray, does any body here hate Cheese? I would be glad of a Bit. - -_Ld. Smart._ An odd kind of Fellow dined with me t’other Day; and when -the Cheese came upon the Table, he pretended to faint; so somebody said, -Pray, take away the Cheese; No, said I; pray, take away the Fool: Said I -well? - - [_Here a large and loud Laugh._ - -_Col._ Faith, my Lord, you serv’d the Coxcomb right enough; and therefore -I wish we had a Bit of your Lordship’s _Oxfordshire_ Cheese. - -_Ld. Smart._ Come, hang Saving; bring us a Halfporth of Cheese. - -_Lady Answ._ They say, Cheese digests every thing but itself. - - [_A Footman brings a great whole Cheese._ - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay; this would look handsome, if any body should come in. - -_Sir John._ Well; I’m weily rosten, as they sayn in _Lancashire_. - -_Lady Smart._ Oh! Sir _John_; I wou’d I had something to brost you withal. - -_Ld. Smart._ Come; they say, ’tis merry in Hall, when Beards wag all. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, shall I help you to some Cheese? or will you carve -for yourself? - -_Neverout._ I’ll hold Fifty Pounds, Miss won’t cut the Cheese. - -_Miss._ Pray, why so, Mr. _Neverout_? - -_Neverout._ Oh there is a Reason, and you know it well enough. - -_Miss._ I can’t for my Life understand what the Gentleman means. - -_Ld. Smart._ Pray, _Tom_, change the Discourse; in Troth you are too bad. - -_Col._ [_whispers Neverout._] Smoke Miss; faith, you have made her fret -like Gum Taffety. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, but Miss; (hold your Tongue, Mr. _Neverout_) shall I -cut you a Piece of Cheese? - -_Miss._ No, really, Madam; I have dined this half Hour. - -_Lady Smart._ What! quick at Meat, quick at Work, they say. - - [Sir John _nods_. - -_Ld. Smart._ What! are you sleepy, Sir _John_? do you sleep after Dinner? - -_Sir John._ Yes, faith; I sometimes take a Nap after my Pipe; for when -the Belly is full, the Bones will be at Rest. - -_Ld. Smart._ Come, Colonel; help yourself, and your Friends will love you -the better. [_To Lady Answ._] Madam, your Ladyship eats nothing. - -_Lady Answ._ Lord, Madam, I have fed like a Farmer; I shall grow as fat -as a Porpoise; I swear my Jaws are weary of chawing. - -_Col._ I have a Mind to eat a Piece of that Sturgeon; but fear it will -make me sick. - -_Neverout._ A rare Soldier indeed! Let it alone, and I warrant it won’t -hurt you. - -_Col._ Well; but it would vex a Dog to see a Pudden creep. - - [Sir John _rises_. - -_Ld. Smart._ Sir _John_, what are you doing? - -_Sir John._ Swolks, I must be going, by’r Lady; I have earnest Business; -I must do as the Beggars do, go away when I have got enough. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, but stay till this Bottle’s out; you know, the Man was -hang’d that left his Liquor behind him: And besides, a Cup in the Pate is -a Mile in the Gate; and a Spur in the Head is worth two in the Heel. - -_Sir John._ Come then; one Brimmer to all your Healths. [_The Footman -gives him a Glass half full._] Pray, Friend, what was the rest of this -Glass made for? An Inch at the Top, Friend, is worth two at the Bottom. -[_He gets a Brimmer, and drinks it off._] Well, there’s no Deceit in a -Brimmer, and there’s no false _Latin_ in this; your Wine is excellent -good, so I thank you for the next, for I am sure of this: Madam, has your -Ladyship any Commands in _Darbyshire_? I must go Fifteen Miles To-night. - -_Lady Smart._ None, Sir _John_, but to take Care of Yourself; and my most -humble Service to your Lady unknown. - -_Sir John._ Well, Madam, I can but love and thank you. - -_Lady Smart._ Here, bring Water to wash; tho’, really, you have all eaten -so little, that you have no need to wash your Mouths.—— - -_Ld. Smart._ But, pr’ythee, Sir _John_, stay awhile longer. - -_Sir John._ No, my Lord; I am to smoke a Pipe with a Friend before I -leave the Town. - -_Col._ Why, Sir _John_, had not you better set out To-morrow? - -_Sir John._ Colonel, you forget To-morrow is _Sunday_. - -_Col._ Now I always love to begin a Journey on _Sundays_, because I shall -have the Prayers of the Church, to preserve all that travel by Land, or -by Water. - -_Sir John._ Well, Colonel; thou art a mad Fellow to make a Priest of. - -_Neverout._ Fie, Sir _John_, do you take Tobacco? How can you make a -Chimney of your Mouth? - -_Sir John_ [_to Neverout._] What! you don’t smoke, I warrant you, but you -smock. (Ladies, I beg your Pardon.) Colonel, do you never smoke? - -_Col._ No, Sir _John_; but I take a Pipe sometimes. - -_Sir John._ I’faith, one of your finical _London_ Blades dined with -me last Year in _Darbyshire_; so, after Dinner, I took a Pipe; so my -Gentleman turn’d away his Head: So, said I, What, Sir, do you never -smoke? So, he answered as you do, Colonel; No, but I sometimes take a -Pipe: So, he took a Pipe in his Hand, and fiddled with it till he broke -it: So, said I, Pray, Sir, can you make a Pipe? So, he said No; so, said -I, Why, then, Sir, if you can’t make a Pipe, you should not break a Pipe; -so, we all laugh’d. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well; but, Sir _John_, they say, that the Corruption of -Pipes is the Generation of Stoppers. - -_Sir John._ Colonel, I hear, you go sometimes to _Darbyshire_; I wish you -would come and foul a Plate with me. - -_Col._ I hope, you’ll give me a Soldier’s Bottle. - -_Sir John._ Come, and try. Mr. _Neverout_, you are a Town-Wit, can you -tell me what kind of Herb is Tobacco? - -_Neverout._ Why, an _Indian_ Herb, Sir _John_. - -_Sir John._ No,’tis a Pot Herb; and so here’s t’ye in a Pot of my Lord’s -_October_. - -_Lady Smart._ I hear, Sir _John_, since you are married, you have -forsworn the Town. - -_Sir John._ No, Madam; I never forswore any thing but building of -Churches. - -_Lady Smart._ Well; but, Sir _John_, when may we hope to see you again in -_London_? - -_Sir John._ Why, Madam, not till the Ducks have eat up the Dirt; as the -Children say. - -_Neverout._ Come, Sir _John_; I foresee it will rain terribly. - -_Lady Smart._ Come, Sir _John_, do nothing rashly; let us drink first. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ I know Sir _John_ will go, tho’ he was sure it would rain -Cats and Dogs: But pray, stay, Sir _John_; you’ll be time enough to go to -Bed by Candle-light. - -_Ld. Smart._ Why, Sir _John_, if you must needs go; while you stay, make -good Use of your Time: Here’s my Service to you, a Health to our Friends -in _Darbyshire_: Come, sit down; let us put off the evil Hour as long as -we can. - -_Sir John._ Faith, I could not drink a Drop more, if the House was full. - -_Col._ Why, Sir _John_, you used to love a Glass of good Wine in former -Times. - -_Sir John._ Why, so I do still, Colonel; but a Man may love his House -very well, without riding on the Ridge: Besides, I must be with my Wife -on _Tuesday_, or there will be the Devil and all to pay. - -_Col._ Well, if you go To-day, I wish you may be wet to the Skin. - -_Sir John._ Ay; but they say, the Prayers of the Wicked won’t prevail. - - [Sir John _takes Leave, and goes away_. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, Miss, how do you like Sir _John_? - -_Miss._ Why, I think, he’s a little upon the silly, or so: I believe, he -has not all the Wit in the World; but I don’t pretend to be a Judge. - -_Neverout._ Faith, I believe, he was bred at _Hogs-Norton_, where the -Pigs play upon the Organs. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Why, _Tom_, I thought You and He were Hand and Glove. - -_Neverout._ Faith, he shall have a clean Threshold for me; I never -darkned his Door in my Life, neither in Town nor Country; but he’s a -quere old Duke by my Conscience; and yet, after all, I take him to be -more Knave than Fool. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, come; a Man’s a Man, if he has but a Nose on his -Head. - -_Col._ I was once with Him and some other Company over a Bottle; and, -egad, he fell asleep, and snor’d so hard, that we thought he was driving -his Hogs to Market. - -_Neverout._ Why, what! you can have no more of a Cat than her Skin; you -can’t make a Silk Purse out of a Sow’s Ear. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Well, since he’s gone, the Devil go with him and -Sixpence; and there’s Money and Company too. - -_Neverout._ Faith, he’s a true Country Put. Pray, Miss, let me ask you a -Question? - -_Miss._ Well; but don’t ask Questions with a dirty Face: I warrant, what -you have to say will keep cold. - -_Col._ Come, my Lord, against you are disposed; Here’s to all that love -and honour you. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Ay, that was always _Dick Nimble_’s Health. I’m sure you -know he’s dead. - -_Col._ Dead! Well, my Lord, you love to be a Messenger of ill News: I’m -heartily sorry; but, my Lord, we must all die. - -_Neverout._ I knew him very well: But, pray, how came he to die? - -_Miss._ There’s a Question! you talk like a Poticary: Why, because he -could live no longer. - -_Neverout._ Well; rest his Soul: We must live by the Living, and not by -the Dead. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ You know, his House was burnt down to the Ground. - -_Col._ Yes; it was in the News: Why Fire and Water are good Servants, but -they are very bad Masters. - -_Ld. Smart._ Here, take away, and set down a Bottle of _Burgundy_: -Ladies, you’ll stay, and drink a Glass of Wine before you go to your Tea. - - [_All taken away, and the Wine set down_, &c. - - [Miss _gives_ Neverout _a smart Pinch_. - -_Neverout._ Lord, Miss, what d’ye mean! D’ye think I have no Feeling? - -_Miss._ I’m forc’d to pinch, for the Times are hard. - -_Neverout_ [_giving Miss a Pinch._] Take that, Miss; what’s Sauce for a -Goose is for a Gander. - -_Miss_ [_screaming._] Well, Mr. _Neverout_, if I live, that shall neither -go to Heaven nor Hell with you. - -_Neverout_ [_takes Miss’s Hand._] Come, Miss; let us lay all Quarrels -aside, and be Friends. - -_Miss._ Don’t be so teizing! You plague a body so!——Can’t you keep your -filthy Hands to yourself? - -_Neverout._ Pray, Miss, where did you get that Pick-Tooth Case? - -_Miss._ I came honestly by it. - -_Neverout._ I’m sure it was mine, for I lost just such a one; nay, I -don’t tell you a Lye. - -_Miss._ No; if You lye, it is much. - -_Neverout._ Well; I’m sure ’tis mine. - -_Miss._ What! you think every Thing is yours, but a little the King has. - -_Neverout._ Colonel, you have seen my fine Pick-Tooth Case; don’t you -think this is the very same? - -_Col._ Indeed, Miss, it is very like it. - -_Miss._ Ay; what he says, you’ll swear. - -_Neverout._ Well; but I’ll prove it to be mine. - -_Miss._ Ay; do if you can. - -_Neverout._ Why, what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is my own. - -_Miss._ Well, run on till you’re weary, nobody holds you. - - [Neverout _gapes_. - -_Col._ What, Mr. _Neverout_, do you gape for Preferment? - -_Neverout._ Faith, I may gape long enough, before it falls into my Mouth. - -_Lady Smart._ Mr. _Neverout_, my Lord and I intend to beat up your -Quarters one of these Days: I hear, you live high. - -_Neverout._ Yes, faith, Madam; live high, and lodge in a Garret. - -_Col._ But, Miss, I forgot to tell you, that Mr. _Neverout_ got the -devilishest Fall in the Park To-day. - -_Miss._ I hope he did not hurt the Ground: But how was it, Mr. -_Neverout_? I wish I had been there, to laugh. - -_Neverout._ Why, Madam, it was a Place where a Cuckold has been bury’d, -and one of his Horns sticking out, I happened to stumble against it; that -was all. - -_Lady Smart._ Ladies, let us leave the Gentlemen to themselves; I think -it is Time to go to our Tea. - -_Lady Answ._ & _Miss._ My Lords and Gentlemen, your most humble Servant. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, Ladies, we’ll wait on you an Hour hence. - - [_The Gentlemen alone._ - -_Ld. Smart._ Come, _John_, bring us a fresh Bottle. - -_Col._ Ay, my Lord; and, pray, let him carry off the dead Men (as we say -in the Army.) - - [_Meaning the empty Bottles._ - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Mr. _Neverout_, pray, is not that Bottle full? - -_Neverout._ Yes, my Lord; full of Emptiness. - -_Ld. Smart._ And, d’ye hear, _John_? bring clean Glasses. - -_Col._ I’ll keep mine; for I think, the Wine is the best Liquor to wash -Glasses in. - - - - -POLITE CONVERSATION, ETC. - -DIALOGUE III. - -_The Ladies at their Tea._ - - -_Lady Smart._ Well, Ladies; now let us have a Cup of Discourse to -ourselves. - -_Lady Answ._ What do you think of your Friend, Sir _John Spendall_? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, Madam,’tis happy for him, that his Father was born -before him. - -_Miss._ They say, he makes a very ill Husband to my Lady. - -_Lady Answ._ But he must be allow’d to be the fondest Father in the World. - -_Lady Smart._ Ay, Madam, that’s true; for they say, the Devil is kind to -his own. - -_Miss._ I am told, my Lady manages him to Admiration. - -_Lady Smart._ That I believe; for she’s as cunning as a dead Pig; but not -half so honest. - -_Lady Answ._ They say, she’s quite a Stranger to all his Gallantries. - -_Lady Smart._ Not at all; but, you know, there’s none so blind as they -that won’t see. - -_Miss._ O Madam, I am told, she watches him, as a Cat would watch a Mouse. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, if she ben’t foully belied, she pays him in his own -Coin. - -_Lady Smart._ Madam, I fancy I know your Thoughts, as well as if I were -within you. - -_Lady Answ._ Madam, I was t’other Day in Company with Mrs. _Clatter_; I -find she gives herself Airs of being acquainted with your Ladyship. - -_Miss._ Oh, the hideous Creature! did you observe her Nails? they were -long enough to scratch her Granum out of her Grave. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, She and _Tom Gosling_ were banging Compliments -backwards and forwards; it look’d like Two Asses scrubbing one another. - -_Miss._ Ay, claw me, and I’ll claw thou: But, pray, Madam; who were the -Company? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, there was all the World, and his Wife; there was Mrs. -_Clatter_, Lady _Singular_, the Countess of _Talkham_, (I should have -named her first;) _Tom Goslin_, and some others, whom I have forgot. - -_Lady Answ._ I think the Countess is very sickly. - -_Lady Smart._ Yes, Madam; she’ll never scratch a grey Head, I promise her. - -_Miss._ And, pray, what was your Conversation? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, Mrs. _Clatter_ had all the Talk to herself, and was -perpetually complaining of her Misfortunes. - -_Lady Answ._ She brought her Husband Ten Thousand Pounds; she has a -Town-House and Country-house: Would the Woman have her —— hung with -Points? - -_Lady Smart._ She would fain be at the Top of the House before the Stairs -are built. - -_Miss._ Well, Comparisons are odious; but she’s as like her Husband, as -if she were spit out of his Mouth; as like as one Egg is to another: -Pray, how was she drest? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, she was as fine as Fi’pence; but, truly, I thought, -there was more Cost than Worship. - -_Lady Answ._ I don’t know her Husband: Pray, what is he? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, he’s a Concealer of the Law; you must know, he came to -us as drunk as _David_’s Sow. - -_Miss._ What kind of Creature is he? - -_Lady Smart._ You must know, the Man and his Wife are coupled like -Rabbets, a fat and a lean; he’s as fat as a Porpus, and she’s one of -_Pharaoh_’s lean Kine: The Ladies and _Tom Gosling_ were proposing a -Party at Quadrille, but he refus’d to make one: Damn your Cards, said he, -they are the Devil’s Books. - -_Lady Answ._ A dull unmannerly Brute! Well, God send him more Wit, and me -more Money. - -_Miss._ Lord! Madam, I would not keep such Company for the World. - -_Lady Smart._ O Miss, ’tis nothing when you are used to it: Besides, you -know, for Want of Company, welcome Trumpery. - -_Miss._ Did your Ladyship play? - -_Lady Smart._ Yes, and won; so I came off with Fidlers Fare, Meat, Drink, -and Money. - -_Lady Answ._ Ay; what says _Pluck_? - -_Miss._ Well, my Elbow itches; I shall change Bed-fellows. - -_Lady Smart._ And my Right Hand itches; I shall receive Money. - -_Lady Answ._ And my Right Eye itches; I shall cry. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, I hear your Friend Mistress _Giddy_ has discarded -_Dick Shuttle_: Pray, has she got another Lover? - -_Miss._ I hear of none. - -_Lady Smart._ Why, the Fellow’s rich; and I think she was a Fool to throw -out her dirty Water before she got clean. - -_Lady Answ._ Miss, that’s a very handsome Gown of yours, and finely made; -very genteel. - -_Miss._ I’m glad your Ladyship likes it. - -_Lady Answ._ Your Lover will be in Raptures; it becomes you admirably. - -_Miss._ Ay; I assure you I won’t take it as I have done; if this won’t -fetch him, the Devil fetch him, say I. - -_Lady Smart_ [_to Lady Answ._] Pray, Madam, when did you see Sir _Peter -Muckworm_? - -_Lady Answ._ Not this Fortnight; I hear, he’s laid up with the Gout. - -_Lady Smart._ What does he do for it? - -_Lady Answ._ Why I hear he’s weary of doctoring it, and now makes Use of -nothing but Patience and Flannel. - -_Miss._ Pray, how does He and my Lady agree? - -_Lady Answ._ You know, he loves her as the Devil loves Holy Water. - -_Miss._ They say, she plays deep with Sharpers, that cheat her of her -Money. - -_Lady Answ._ Upon my Word, they must rise early that would cheat her of -her Money; Sharp’s the Word with her; Diamonds cut Diamonds. - -_Miss._ Well, but I was assur’d from a good Hand that she lost at one -Sitting to the Tune of a hundred Guineas; make Money of that. - -_Lady Smart._ Well, but do you hear, that Mrs. _Plump_ is brought to Bed -at last? - -_Miss._ And, pray, what has God sent her? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, guess, if you can. - -_Miss._ A Boy, I suppose. - -_Lady Smart._ No, you are out; guess again. - -_Miss._ A Girl then. - -_Lady Smart._ You have hit it; I believe you are a Witch. - -_Miss._ O Madam; the Gentlemen say, all fine Ladies are Witches; but I -pretend to no such thing. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, she had good Luck to draw _Tom Plump_ into Wedlock; -she ris’ with her —— upwards. - -_Miss._ Fie, Madam! what do you mean? - -_Lady Smart._ O Miss; ’tis nothing what we say among ourselves. - -_Miss._ Ay, Madam; but they say, Hedges have Eyes, and Walls have Ears. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, Miss, I can’t help it; you know, I am old Tell-Truth; -I love to call a Spade a Spade. - -_Lady Smart_ [_mistakes the Tea-tongs for the Spoon._] What! I think my -Wits are a Wool-gathering To-day. - -_Miss._ Why, Madam, there was but a Right and a Wrong. - -_Lady Smart._ Miss, I hear, that You and Lady _Coupler_ are as great as -Cup and Can. - -_Lady Answ._ Ay, Miss; as great as the Devil and the Earl of _Kent_. - -_Lady Smart._ Nay, I am told, you meet together with as much Love, as -there is between the old Cow and the Hay-stack. - -_Miss._ I own, I love her very well; but there’s Difference betwixt -staring and stark mad. - -_Lady Smart._ They say, she begins to grow fat. - -_Miss._ Fat! ay, fat as a Hen in the Forehead. - -_Lady Smart._ Indeed, Lady _Answerall_, (pray, forgive me) I think, your -Ladyship looks thinner than when I saw you last. - -_Miss._ Indeed, Madam, I think not; but your Ladyship is one of _Job_’s -Comforters. - -_Lady Answ._ Well, no matter how I look; I am bought and sold: but -really, Miss, you are so very obliging, that I wish I were a handsome -young Lord for your Sake. - -_Miss._ O Madam, your Love’s a Million. - -_Lady Smart_ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, will your Ladyship let me wait on -you to the Play To-morrow? - -_Lady Answ._ Madam, it becomes me to wait on your Ladyship. - -_Miss._ What, then, I’m turn’d out for a Wrangler. - - [_The Gentlemen come in to the Ladies to drink Tea._ - -_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, we wanted you sadly; you are always out of the -Way when you should be hang’d. - -_Neverout._ You wanted me! Pray, Miss, how do you look when you lye? - -_Miss._ Better than you when you cry. Manners indeed! I find, you mend -like sour Ale in Summer. - -_Neverout._ I beg your Pardon, Miss; I only meant, when you lie alone. - -_Miss._ That’s well turn’d; one Turn more would have turn’d you down -Stairs. - -_Neverout._ Come, Miss; be kind for once, and order me a Dish of Coffee. - -_Miss._ Pray, go yourself; let us wear out the oldest first: Besides, I -can’t go, for I have a Bone in my Leg. - -_Col._ They say, a Woman need but look on her Apron-string to find an -Excuse. - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, you are grown so peevish, a Dog would not live -with you. - -_Miss._ Mr. _Neverout_, I beg your Diversion; no Offence, I hope: but -truly in a little time you intend to make the Colonel as bad as yourself; -and that’s as bad as bad can. - -_Neverout._ My Lord, don’t you think Miss improves wonderfully of late? -Why, Miss, if I spoil the Colonel, I hope you will use him as you do me; -for, you know, love me, love my Dog. - -_Col._ How’s that, _Tom_? Say that again: Why, if I am a Dog, shake -Hands, Brother. - - [_Here a great, loud, long Laugh._ - -_Ld. Smart._ But, pray, Gentlemen, why always so severe upon poor Miss? -On my Conscience, Colonel and _Tom Neverout_, one of you two are both -Knaves. - -_Col._ My Lady _Answerall_, I intend to do myself the Honour of dining -with your Ladyship To-morrow. - -_Lady Answ._ Ay, Colonel; do if you can. - -_Miss._ I’m sure you’ll be glad to be welcome. - -_Col._ Miss, I thank you; and, to reward You, I’ll come and drink Tea -with you in the Morning. - -_Miss._ Colonel, there’s Two Words to that Bargain. - -_Col._ [_to Lady Smart._] Your Ladyship has a very fine Watch; well may -you wear it. - -_Lady Smart._ It is none of mine, Colonel. - -_Col._ Pray, whose is it then? - -_Lady Smart._ Why, ’tis my Lord’s; for they say, a marry’d Woman has -nothing of her own, but her Wedding-Ring and her Hair-Lace: But if Women -had been the Law-Makers, it would have been better. - -_Col._ This Watch seems to be quite new. - -_Lady Smart._ No, Sir; it has been Twenty Years in my Lord’s Family; but -_Quare_ put a new Case and Dial-Plate to it. - -_Neverout._ Why, that’s for all the World like the Man who swore he kept -the same Knife forty Years, only he sometimes changed the Haft, and -sometimes the Blade. - -_Ld. Smart._ Well, _Tom_, to give the Devil his Due, thou art a right -Woman’s Man. - -_Col._ Odd-so! I have broke the Hinge of my Snuff-box; I’m undone beside -the Loss. - -_Miss._ Alack-a-day, Colonel! I vow I had rather have found Forty -Shillings. - -_Neverout._ Why, Colonel; all that I can say to comfort you, is, that you -must mend it with a new one. - - [Miss _laughs_. - -_Col._ What, Miss! you can’t laugh, but you must shew your Teeth. - -_Miss._ I’m sure you shew your Teeth when you can’t bite: Well, thus it -must be, if we sell Ale. - -_Neverout._ Miss, you smell very sweet; I hope you don’t carry Perfumes. - -_Miss._ Perfumes! No, Sir; I’d have you to know, it is nothing but the -Grain of my Skin. - -_Col._ _Tom_, you have a good Nose to make a poor Man’s Sow. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ So, Ladies and Gentlemen, methinks you are very witty -upon one another: Come, box it about; ’twill come to my Father at last. - -_Col._ Why, my Lord, you see Miss has no Mercy; I wish she were marry’d; -but I doubt, the grey Mare would prove the better Horse. - -_Miss._ Well, God forgive you for that Wish. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Never fear him, Miss. - -_Miss._ What, my Lord, do you think I was born in a Wood, to be afraid of -an Owl? - -_Ld. Smart._ What have you to say to that, Colonel? - -_Neverout._ O my Lord, my Friend the Colonel scorns to set his Wit -against a Child. - -_Miss._ Scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddens. - -_Col._ Well, Miss; they say, a Woman’s Tongue is the last thing about her -that dies; therefore let’s kiss and Friends. - -_Miss._ Hands off! that’s Meat for your Master. - -_Ld. Sparkish._ Faith, Colonel, you are for Ale and Cakes: But after all, -Miss, you are too severe; you would not meddle with your Match. - -_Miss._ All they can say goes in at one Ear, and out at t’other for me, I -can assure you: Only I wish they would be quiet, and let me drink my Tea. - -_Neverout._ What! I warrant you think all is lost, that goes beside your -own Mouth. - -_Miss._ Pray, Mr. _Neverout_, hold your Tongue for once, if it be -possible; one would think, you were a Woman in Man’s Cloaths, by your -prating. - -_Neverout._ No, Miss; it is not handsome to see one hold one’s Tongue: -Besides, I should slobber my Fingers. - -_Col._ Miss, did you never hear, that Three Women and a Goose are enough -to make a Market? - -_Miss._ I’m sure, if Mr. _Neverout_ or You were among them, it would make -a Fair. - - [Footman _comes in_. - -_Lady Smart._ Here, take away the Tea-table, and bring up Candles. - -_Lady Answ._ O Madam, no Candles yet, I beseech you; don’t let us burn -Day-Light. - -_Neverout._ I dare swear, Miss, for her Part, will never burn Day-Light, -if she can help it. - -_Miss._ Lord, Mr. _Neverout_, one can’t hear one’s own Ears for you. - -_Lady Smart._ Indeed, Madam, it is Blind-Man’s Holiday; we shall soon be -all of a Colour. - -_Neverout._ Why, then, Miss, we may kiss where we like best. - -_Miss._ Fogh! these Men talk of nothing but kissing. - - [_She spits._ - -_Neverout._ What, Miss, does it make your Mouth water? - -_Lady Smart._ It is as good be in the Dark as without Light; therefore -pray bring in Candles: They say, Women and Linen shew best by -Candle-Light: Come, Gentlemen, are you for a Party at Quadrille? - -_Col._ I’ll make one with you three Ladies. - -_Lady Answ._ I’ll sit down, and be a Stander-by. - -_Lady Smart._ [_to Lady Answ._] Madam, does your Ladyship never play? - -_Col._ Yes; I suppose her Ladyship plays sometimes for an Egg at _Easter_. - -_Neverout._ Ay; and a Kiss at _Christmas_. - -_Lady Answ._ Come, Mr. _Neverout_; hold your Tongue, and mind your -Knitting. - -_Neverout._ With all my Heart; kiss my Wife, and welcome. - - [_The_ Colonel, _Mr._ Neverout, _Lady_ Smart _and_ Miss _go to - Quadrille, and sit till Three in the Morning_. - - [_They rise from Cards._] - -_Lady Smart._ Well, Miss, you’ll have a sad Husband, you have such good -Luck at Cards. - -_Neverout._ Indeed, Miss, you dealt me sad Cards; if you deal so ill by -your Friends, what will you do with your Enemies? - -_Lady Answ._ I’m sure ’tis time for honest Folks to be a-bed. - -_Miss._ Indeed my Eyes draws Straw. - - [_She’s almost asleep._ - -_Neverout._ Why, Miss, if you fall asleep, somebody may get a Pair of -Gloves. - -_Col._ I’m going to the Land of _Nod_. - -_Neverout._ Faith, I’m for _Bedfordshire_. - -_Lady Smart._ I’m sure I shall sleep without rocking. - -_Neverout._ Miss, I hope you’ll dream of your Sweetheart. - -_Miss._ Oh, no doubt of it: I believe I shan’t be able to sleep for -dreaming of him. - -_Col._ [_to Miss._] Madam, shall I have the Honour to escort you? - -_Miss._ No, Colonel, I thank you; my Mamma has sent her Chair and -Footmen. Well, my Lady _Smart_, I’ll give you Revenge whenever you please. - - [Footman _comes in_. - -_Footman._ Madam, the Chairs are waiting. - - [_They all take their Chairs, and go off._ - - -FINIS. - - - - -ILLUSTRATIVE NOTES. - - -PAGE 5, l. 1. 1695.—This date, and the previous “more than forty years -past,” are of course adjusted to the date of the book’s appearance. See -Introduction for its probable chronology. - -PAGE 5, l. 18. For “because” I am half inclined to read “became”—a very -likely misprint. - -PAGE 6, ll. 4-10. “_Twelve ... Sixteen._”—This would bring us to 1723, -which may or may not mark the date of a version of the “Conversation.” -The first “Twelve” would almost exactly coincide with the “Essay on -Conversation” referred to above. - -PAGE 12, l. 18. “_Isaac the Dancing-Master._”—Called by Steele in -“Tatler,” No. 34, “my namesake Isaac.” He is best known by Soame Jenyns’ -couplet:— - - “And Isaac’s rigadoon shall live as long - As Raphael’s painting or as Virgil’s song.” - -He was, as became his profession, a Frenchman. Southey refers to him in -“The Doctor.” - -PAGE 16, l. 6. “_Comedies and other fantastick Writings._”—Where they -will be found, as the ingenious Mr. Wagstaff says, “strewed here and -there.” - -PAGES 16, 17.—“_Graham. D. of R. E. of E. Lord and Lady H._”—I do not -know that attempts at identifying these shadowy personages would be very -wise. But the date assigned to the Colonel is one of the marks of long -incubation. “Towards the end” of Charles II.’s reign would be about 1684. -A fine gentleman of that day might very well have been Mr. Wagstaff’s -“companion” had the latter written in 1710—less well had he written a -quarter of a century later. - -PAGE 18, l. 24.—Swift, like a good Tory and Churchman, never forgave -Burnet. - -PAGE 21, l. 2. “_Selling of Bargains_” is the returning of a coarse -answer to a question or other remark. So in Dorset’s charming poem about -“This Bess of my heart, this Bess of my soul.” - -PAGE 24, l. 26. “_Great Ornaments of Style_,” or, as it hath been put -otherwise, “_a grand set-off to conversation_.”—Observe that in these -passages as to Free-Thinking and Oaths, Swift maintains his invariable -attitude as to profanity. - -PAGE 25, last line. “_Poet._”—I know him not, if he ever existed save as -a maggot of Swift’s brain. - -PAGE 26, l. 13. “_Sir John Perrot._”—Deputy of Ireland and a stout -soldier, but an unlucky politician. He died in the Tower, where he is not -unlikely to have had leisure and reason to perfect himself in commination. - -PAGE 31, l. 16. “_Lilly._”—The Latin grammarian, of course, not the -astrologer. - -PAGE 32, l. 12. “_e’n’t_” I presume to be identical with _ain’t_. - -PAGE 36, l. 21. It may seem strange that Mr. Wagstaff, who loves not -books and scholars, should refer to a grave philosopher. But fine -gentlemen in his youth had to know or seem to know their Hobbes. - -PAGE 38, l. 26. “_Please._”—_sic_ in orig. - -PAGE 41.—In this page Swift strikes in with his friends against the -“dunces.” One may suspect that Tom Brown was in the first draught, and -perhaps Dennis, Ward and Gildon being added later. - -PAGE 42, l. 6.—Ozell, the translator of Rabelais. Stevens I do not know -or have forgotten, and the “Dunciad” knows him not. - -PAGE 44, l. 26. “_The Craftsman._”—This must be one of the latest -additions, the “Craftsman” being the organ of Pulteney and the Opposition -in the great Walpolian battle. - -PAGE 46, ll. 11, 17. “_Another for Alexander!_” - -PAGE 50, l. 21. “_Those of Sir Isaac._”—Mr. Craik and others have -noticed that Swift’s grammar, especially in unrevised pieces, is not -always impeccable. But this, like other things in this Introduction, is -clearly writ in character, the character of the more polite than pedantic -Wagstaff. - -PAGE 56, l. 26. “_Wit at Will._”—Readers of the minor and even of the -greater writers of the late sixteenth and early seventeenth centuries -will remember the interminable jingles and plays on these two words -wherever they could be introduced. The phrase “Wit at will” survived most -of its companions as a catchword. - -PAGE 58, l. 3. “_Queen Elizabeth’s dead._”—A minute philosopher might -be pleased with the inquiry when Queen Anne superseded her gracious -predecessor in this phrase. Naturally that time had not come when the -“Conversation” was first planned. - -PAGE 59, l. 2. “_Push-pin._”—Allusions to this old children’s game are -very common in the seventeenth century; rare, I think, in the eighteenth. - -PAGE 64, l. 20. “_Vardi._”—See Introduction, p. 32, where the form is -“Verdi.” - -PAGE 65, l. 28. “_Lob’s pound_” means an inextricable difficulty. In -Dekker’s paraphrase of the “Quinze Joyes du Mariage,” it is used to -render the French _dans la nasse_. - -PAGE 72, l. 1. I do not understand “_Map-sticks_.” - -PAGE 76, ll. 3, 4. “_Cooking._”—_I.e._ (as I suppose), putting the -bread-and-butter in the tea. I believe this atrocious practice is not -absolutely obsolete yet. - -PAGE 76, last line but one. “_Head for the washing._”—I think this is -quite dead in English; _laver la tête_ is of course still excellent -French for to scold or rate. - -PAGE 79, l. 3. “_A Lord._”—Lord Grimstone, whose production made the -wits merry for a long time. He is Pope’s “booby Lord,” and this absurd -play (which, however, he is said to have written at the age of 13), was -reprinted in his despite by the Duchess of Marlborough, with whom he had -an election quarrel. _Lady Sparkish_ is in orig., but is probably a slip -for Lady Answerall. - -PAGE 82, l. 23. “_The Lord of the Lord knows what._”—A peerage revived -with slightly altered title by Peter Simple’s shipmates in favour of “the -Lord Nozoo.” - -PAGE 103, l. 4. “_Ld. Smart._”—Erratum for “Ld. Sparkish.” - -PAGE 103, l. 13. “_Tantiny Pig._”—The pig usually assigned as companion -to St. Anthony. - -PAGE 105, l. 26. “_Poles._”—St. Paul’s. - -PAGE 109, l. 4. “_Jommetry._”—See Introduction. - -PAGE 110, l. 7.—I do not know the origin of Miss’s catchword. Julia, the -heroine of Dryden’s “Amboyna,” had used it beforehand. - -PAGE 111, l. 25. “_Tansy_” has two senses, a plant and a sort of custard. -The reader may choose which suits the circumstances best for metaphorical -explanation. - -PAGE 112, l. 11. “_Otomy_,” for “anatomy,” “skeleton.” - -PAGE 114, l. 17. “_Ld. Smart_” again for “Ld. Sparkish;” at the foot of -the next page for “_Lady_ Smart.” - -PAGE 117, last line. “_Smoke_,” “look at;” later, “twig.” - -PAGE 118, l. 13. “_Lady Sparkish_,” probably for “Lady Smart,” as being -hostess. - -PAGE 121, last line. “_Inkle._”—Ribbon or tape. - -PAGE 129, l. 8. Scott has borrowed this vigorous protest of Miss in one -of his private letters. - -PAGE 131, l. 7. “_Ld. Sparkish_” should evidently be “Ld. Smart.” - -PAGE 135, l. 14. “_Kept a Corner for a Venison Pasty._”—Which Dr. -Goldsmith remembered in immortal verse. - -PAGE 140, l. 12. I do not know whether this speech was meant for Lord -Sparkish or Lady Answerall. - -PAGE 143, ll. 1, 3. An unnecessary double entry, but right in the -attribution. - -PAGE 145, l. 9. “_In my Tip_,” “as I am drinking.” - -PAGE 161, l. 4. “_Weily rosten_,” should probably be “_b_rosten,” _i.e._, -“well-nigh burst.” - -PAGE 162, l. 9. Lord Smart might make this speech; but from the answer it -would seem to be his Lady’s. - -PAGE 165, l. 13.—I don’t know whether Swift, who never forgot his feud -with “Cousin Dryden,” was indulging in a half-gird at “The corruption of -a poet is the generation of a critic.” - -PAGE 176, l. 8. “_Concealer._”—A brilliant pun on “Counsellor.” - -PAGE 181, l. 24. “_A Bone in my Leg._”—This odd phrase for a peculiar -cramp in the leg is not dead yet. - -PAGE 183, l. 21. “_Quare._”—David Q., died in 1724. He had invented -repeaters, and throughout the eighteenth century was what Tompion was -later among watchmakers, what Joe Manton was long among gunmakers, a name -to conjure with and to quote. - -PAGE 184, l. 24. “_Box it about; ’twill come to my Father._”—The famous -Jacobite cant-phrase for breeding disturbance in hopes of a fresh -Revolution. - - - CHISWICK PRESS:—CHARLES WHITTINGHAM AND CO., - TOOKS COURT, CHANCERY LANE. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Polite Conversation, by Jonathan Swift - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK POLITE CONVERSATION *** - -***** This file should be named 60186-0.txt or 60186-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/1/8/60186/ - -Produced by MWS and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from -images generously made available by The Internet -Archive/American Libraries.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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