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diff --git a/59210-0.txt b/59210-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4babce --- /dev/null +++ b/59210-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7665 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 59210 *** + + + + + + + + +COMEDIETTAS AND FARCES + +BY + +JOHN MADDISON MORTON + + +NEW YORK + +HARPER & BROTHERS, PUBLISHERS + +1886 + + + + +PREFACE. + +I HAVE been asked to write a few words of Preface to this little book +of Plays. I may state that two are original; for the remainder (being +too old an offender in this respect to do otherwise), I thankfully +admit my indebtedness to French material, claiming, however, for +myself, considerable alterations in plot, situations, etc., and +complete originality of dialogue. + +I beg to call the attention of Amateurs to these pieces--they having +been written by me with a special view to Private performance. + + JOHN MADDISON MORTON + + + + +CONTENTS. + + PAGE + +BOX AND COX 11 + +FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED 35 + +PEPPERPOT'S LITTLE PETS 61 + +AFTER A STORM COMES A CALM 85 + +EXPRESS! 106 + +TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH 125 + +DECLINED--WITH THANKS 147 + + + + +JOHN MADDISON MORTON. + +THE present generation is familiar enough with "Box and Cox," that +best and brightest of good old English farces, and hundreds of other +plays of the same kind, that were written years ago by one of the +driest of humorists and most genial of gentlemen; but few young +play-goers, I take it, are aware how much the stage owes to John +Maddison Morton. Of the form and features of one of the most prolific +writers for the stage, I believe many of my own contemporaries to be +absolutely ignorant. They know little of his antecedents or history, +and yet they, and their fathers before them, have laughed right +merrily over the quips and cranks, the quaint turns of expression, the +odd freaks of humor that distinguished a writer of fun belonging to +the old school. No one has ever filled the place left vacant by John +Maddison Morton. Managers for many years past have assumed that the +public does not want farces, and are content to tolerate badly-acted +rubbish before the play of the evening begins. But a strong reaction +is setting in. The pit and gallery are not content any longer to +remain open-mouthed while the scenes of the play of the evening are +being set, or to be deluded into applauding the silly stuff that is +nowadays served up as farce, and in which the principal actors and +actresses do not condescend to appear. Why, when I first began to +consider myself a regular play-goer, some five-and-twenty years ago, +when I struggled with the young men of my time into the pit, I could +see, quite irrespective of the play of the evening, Webster at the +Adelphi in "One Touch of Nature," say at seven o'clock in the evening; +Toole and Paul Bedford and Selby and Billington and Bob Romer, always +in some favorite farce that began or ended the evening's amusement, at +the Haymarket; Buckstone, old Rogers, and Chippendale in such plays as +"The Rough Diamond," at the Haymarket, with an after-farce for +Compton, Howe, and Walter Gordon; and at the Strand such excellent +little plays as "Short and Sweet" or the "Fair Encounter," in which we +were sure to find Jemmy Rogers and Johnnie Clarke, and most probably +Belford, Marie Wilton, Fanny Josephs, and Miss Swanborough. In those +days artists were not above their business, which was, and ever should +be, to amuse the public; they were not taken up and patronized by +society; they did not lecture their audiences, but were modest, +hard-working, and unassuming. There were no young fops in the ranks of +the dramatic profession with extravagant salaries and diminutive +talent, and the young ladies who adopted the profession had to work, +and work hard, in order to obtain a name. Farces were then well acted, +for the simple reason that the best members of the company played in +them. It was worth paying for the pit at half or full price when +Robson was set down for "Retained for the Defence" or "Boots at the +Swan," and when Leigh Murray, most accomplished of comedians, appeared +in "His First Champagne." + +John Maddison Morton was born on January 3, 1811, at the lovely +Thames-side village of Pangborne, above Reading. His father was the +famous dramatist Thomas Morton, author of "Speed the Plough," "Town +and Country," "The Way to get Married," "Secrets worth Knowing," "Cure +for the Heartache," "School of Reform," etc. The elder Morton resided +at Pangborne for thirty-five years, and only removed to London in +1828. It must have been on the lovely reaches, back-waters, and weirs +of the lovely Thames that the future author of "Box and Cox" acquired +such a love of angling, and became so enthusiastic and excellent a +fisherman. A few years ago I was in the habit of meeting Maddison +Morton at the hospitable table of my old friend Robert Reece. They +were both members of the old Dramatic Authors' Society, and on +committee days Reece would bring the jovial dramatist home to dinner, +when, over a glass of old port-wine, and with frequent intervals of +snuff-taking, he would delight us with stories of actors, and many +adventures with the rod and line. In fact, he told us that he devoted +the best part of his after-life to two principal objects, "Fishing and +Farce-writing." + +But to return to his younger days. He was educated in Paris and +Germany from 1817 to 1820. After that he went to school at Islington +for a short time, and from 1820 to 1827 we find the future dramatist +at Dr. Richardson's celebrated seminary at Clapham. Under the roof of +the famous author of the English dictionary he found, and soon took +for companions, Julian Young, Charles James Mathews, John Kemble, +Henry Kemble, John Liston, Dick Tattersall, young Terry, son of Terry +the actor, whose widow subsequently married the lexicographer, Dr. +Richardson. In 1832 Maddison Morton was appointed to a clerkship in +Chelsea Hospital by Lord John Russell, but he did not appear to relish +the desk any more than his subsequent friends, W. S. Gilbert and +Robert Reece. He did not wait patiently for a pension, like Tom +Taylor, Anthony Trollope, etc., but got sick of government office-work +in 1840, when he resigned his situation. + +It was in April, 1835, that Maddison Morton produced his first farce +at the little theatre in Tottenham Street destined afterwards to +flourish as the Prince of Wales Theatre, and to be the nursery of +Robertsonian comedy. The farce was called "My First Fit of the Gout," +and the principal parts were played by Wrench, Morris Barrett, and +Mrs. Nisbett. As I have said before, Maddison Morton lived in the +happy days when farces were popular, when programmes were ample, and +when actors were not ashamed of their work. Among the cultivated +artists who have played in Maddison Morton's farces are the elder +Farren, Liston, Keeley, Buckstone, Wright, Compton, Harley, Robson, +Mrs. Glover, Mrs. Stirling, Charles Mathews, and many more of our own +day, such as Toole, Howe, etc. + +I once asked Maddison Morton some particulars concerning his +subsequent career as a dramatist, when he observed, quaintly enough, +"My dear boy, it would never do for me to blow my own trumpet. In the +first place, I haven't got one, and I am sure I could not blow it if I +had." It is sometimes brought as a charge against Maddison Morton that +his plays are taken from the French, and as such are devoid of +original merit. But how little such as these understand Maddison +Morton or his incomparable style. He may have borrowed his plots from +France, but what trace of French writing is to be found in the +immortal "Box and Cox," or "Woodcock's Little Game?" "Box and Cox" is +taken from two French farces, one called "Frisette," and the other +"Une Chambre à Deux Lits," but the writing of the farce as much +belongs to the man, and is as distinctly original and personal to him +as anything ever said or written by Henry James Byron. For my own poor +part, I consider that Maddison Morton is funnier than any writer for +the stage in his day. It is the kind of dry, sententious humor that +tickles one far more than the extravagances, the puns, and the +strained tomfooleries of the modern writer of burlesque--the very +burlesque that Maddison Morton considers was the death-blow to the +old-fashioned English farce. Players may yet find it profitable to +revive the taste for short farces, and they need not hesitate to do so +because several excellent and funny plays by the author of "Box and +Cox" remain unused. Benjamin Webster told Maddison Morton, not long +before his death, that he had made more money by farces than by any +other description of drama. This is not difficult to account for. The +author was certainly not overpaid; the farces were evidently well +acted; it cost next to nothing to produce them, and if successful, the +world and his wife went to see them. + +Writing to a friend the other day, Maddison Morton observes: "The +introduction of 'Burlesque' gave the first 'knock-down blow' to the +old-fashioned farce. I hoped against hope that its popularity would +return, and that some employment might still be found for my pen. I +was disappointed; and as the only means of discharging liabilities +which I had in the mean time unavoidably contracted, I was compelled +to part with my copyrights, the accumulation of a life's laborious and +not unsuccessful work." + +It is interesting to note that Maddison Morton's "Box and Cox" was the +pioneer of the movement that resulted in the literary and musical +partnership of Gilbert and Sullivan. If it had not been for Burnand's +"Cox and Box," in all probability the "Sorcerer" and the rest of the +operas would never have been written. And happily the reign of +Maddison Morton is not yet over. On Monday, December 7, 1885, was +produced at Toole's Theatre a three-act farce called "Going It," that +kept the house in a continual roar of laughter. It is in the old vein, +bright, witty, and bristling with verbal quip. When the farce was over +the call for "author" was raised, but no one imagined that it would be +responded to. To the surprise of all, Mr. Toole led on an elderly +gentleman of the old school, prim, neat, well set up, and rosy-cheeked +as a winter apple. This was Maddison Morton. At last the young +play-goer had seen the author of "Box and Cox." + +In the year 1881, on the nomination of her Majesty, this great and +accomplished gentleman, who never mixed in Bohemian or literary +society, was appointed a "poor brother of the Charter House." Who that +has read Thackeray is not familiar with the fine old hospital of +"Greyfriars," and its pleasant old "codds," under whose shadow and in +whose society Colonel Newcome breathed his last, and said "Adsum." +Here in this pleasant retreat, quiet and retired although in the heart +of the busiest part of the city, Maddison Morton met another +"brother," John A. Heraud, a dramatist and dramatic critic who had +often sat in judgment on Morton's plays. What chats about old times +they must have within those venerable walls that circle round the +poet-dramatist and the dramatic farce-writer. "Here," writes Maddison +Morton, in his well-known cheerful and contented frame of mind, "I +shall doubtless spend the short time I may have to live, and then be +laid in the quiet little church-yard at Bow--not, I hope, entirely +'unwept, unhonored, nor unsung.'" + +Good, kindly, gentle heart thus to speak with such fervor and such +faith in the long evening of your days! Shut up in your cloistered +home, the hearts of those who had the honor and pleasure of knowing +you often go out to you! And on the stage the laughter evoked by your +fanciful wit, and the true humor that sprung from your merry heart, +will soothe you and delight many more who honor your excellent name. + + CLEMENT SCOTT. + + + + +BOX AND COX. + +_In One Act._ + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +JOHN BOX, _a Journeyman Printer._ + +JAMES COX, _a Journeyman Hatter._ + +MRS. BOUNCER. + + +COSTUMES. + +BOX.--Small swallow-tailed black coat, short buff waistcoat, light drab +trousers, short, turned up at bottom, black stockings, white canvas +boots with black tips, cotton neck-cloth, shabby black hat. + +COX.--Brown Newmarket coat, long white waistcoat, dark plaid trousers, +boots, white hat, black stock. + +MRS. BOUNCER.--Colored cotton gown, apron, cap, etc. + +EXITS AND ENTRANCES.--R. means _Right;_ L., _Left;_ R. D., _Right +Door;_ L. D., _Left Door;_ S. E., _Second Entrance;_ U. E., _Upper +Entrance;_ M. D., _Middle Door;_ F., _the Flat;_ D. F., _Door in +Flat._ + +RELATIVE POSITIONS.--R. means _Right;_ L., _Left;_ C., _Centre;_ R. C., +_Right of Centre;_ L. C., _Left of Centre._ + + +SCENE.--_A room decently furnished. At C. a bed, with curtains closed; +at L. C. a door; at L. 3d E. a door; at L. S. E. a chest of drawers; +at back, R., a window; at R. 3d E. a door; at R. S. E. a fireplace, +with mantle-piece, table, and chairs, and a few common ornaments on +chimney-piece. COX, dressed, with the exception of his coat, is +looking at himself in a small looking-glass, which is in his hand._ + +COX. I've half a mind to register an oath that I'll never have my hair +cut again! (_His hair is very short._) I look as if I had just been +cropped for the militia. And I was particularly emphatic in my +instructions to the hair-dresser only to cut the ends off. He must +have thought I meant the other ends! Never mind--I sha'n't meet anybody +to care about so early. Eight o'clock, I declare! I haven't a moment +to lose. Fate has placed me with the most punctual, particular, and +peremptory of hatters, and I must fulfil my destiny. (_Knock at +L. D._) Open locks, whoever knocks! + + _Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L._ + +MRS. B. Good-morning, Mr. Cox. I hope you slept comfortably, Mr. Cox? + +COX. I can't say I did, Mrs. B. I should feel obliged to you if you +could accommodate me with a more protuberant bolster, Mrs. B. The one +I've got now seems to me to have about a handful and a half of +feathers at each end, and nothing whatever in the middle. + +MRS. B. Anything to accommodate you, Mr. Cox. + +COX. Thank you. Then perhaps you'll be good enough to hold this glass +while I finish my toilet? + +MRS. B. Certainly (_holding glass before COX, who ties his cravat_). +Why, I do declare, you've had your hair cut. + +COX. Cut! It strikes me I've had it mowed! It's very kind of you to +mention it, but I'm sufficiently conscious of the absurdity of my +personal appearance already. (_Puts on his coat._) Now for my hat. +(_Puts on his hat, which comes over his eyes._) That's the effect of +having one's hair cut. This hat fitted me quite tight before. Luckily +I've got two or three more. (_Goes in at L., and returns with three +hats of different shapes, and puts them on, one after the other--all +of which are too big for him._) This is pleasant! Never mind. This one +appears to me to wabble about rather less than the others. (_Puts on +hat._) And now I'm off! By-the-bye, Mrs. Bouncer, I wish to call your +attention to a fact that has been evident to me for some time +past--and that is, that my coals go remarkably fast-- + +MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! + +COX. It is not the case only with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer, but I've +lately observed a gradual and steady increase of evaporation among my +candles, wood, sugar, and lucifer-matches. + +MRS. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me? + +COX. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly to +understand that I don't believe it's the cat. + +MRS. B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about, sir? + +COX. Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as a +dictionary? + +MRS. B. No, sir. + +COX. Then I'll lend you one; and if you turn to the letter G, you'll +find "Grumble, verb neuter--to complain without a cause." Now, that's +not my case, Mrs. B.; and now that we are upon the subject, I wish to +know how it is that I frequently find my apartment full of smoke? + +MRS. B. Why--I suppose the chimney-- + +COX. The chimney doesn't smoke tobacco. I'm speaking of tobacco-smoke, +Mrs. B. I hope, Mrs. Bouncer, _you're_ not guilty of cheroots or Cubas? + +MRS. B. Not I, indeed, Mr. Cox. + +COX. Nor partial to a pipe? + +MRS. B. No, sir. + +COX. Then, how is it that-- + +MRS. B. Why--I suppose--yes--that must be it-- + +COX. At present I am entirely of your opinion--because I haven't the +most distant particle of an idea what you mean. + +MRS. B. Why, the gentleman who has got the attics is hardly ever +without a pipe in his mouth--and there he sits, with his feet upon the +mantle-piece-- + +COX. The mantle-piece! That strikes me as being a considerable +stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs. B., or the gentleman's legs. +I presume you mean the fender or the hob. + +MRS. B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well, there he sits for +hours, and puffs away into the fireplace. + +COX. Ah, then you mean to say that this gentleman's smoke, instead of +emulating the example of all other sorts of smoke, and going _up_ the +chimney, thinks proper to effect a singularity by taking the contrary +direction? + +MRS. B. Why-- + +COX. Then, I suppose, the gentleman you are speaking of is the same +individual that I invariably meet coming up-stairs when I'm going +down, and going down-stairs when I'm coming up! + +MRS. B. Why--yes--I-- + +COX. From the appearance of his outward man, I should unhesitatingly +set him down as a gentleman connected with the printing interest. + +MRS. B. Yes, sir--and a very respectable young gentleman he is. + +COX. Well, good-morning, Mrs. Bouncer. + +MRS. B. You'll be back at your usual time, I suppose, sir? + +COX. Yes--nine o'clock. You needn't light my fire in future, Mrs. B., +I'll do it myself. Don't forget the bolster! (_Going, stops._) A +halfpenny worth of milk, Mrs. Bouncer; and be good enough to let it +stand--I wish the cream to accumulate. + + [_Exit at L. C._ + +MRS. B. He's gone at last! I declare I was all in a tremble for fear +Mr. Box would come in before Mr. Cox went out. Luckily, they've never +met yet; and what's more, they're not very likely to do so; for Mr. +Box is hard at work at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come +home till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all day long, +and doesn't come home till night; so that I'm getting double rent for +my room, and neither of my lodgers is any the wiser for it. It was a +capital idea of mine--that it was! But I haven't an instant to lose. +First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things out of Mr. Box's way. (_She +takes the three hats, COX'S dressing-gown and slippers, opens door at +L. and puts them in, then shuts door and locks it._) Now, then, to put +the key where Mr. Cox always finds it. (_Puts the key on the ledge of +the door, L._) I really must beg Mr. Box not to smoke so much. I was +so dreadfully puzzled to know what to say when Mr. Cox spoke about it. +Now, then, to make the bed; and don't let me forget that what's the +head of the bed for Mr. Cox becomes the foot of the bed for Mr. +Box--people's tastes do differ so. (_Goes behind the curtains of the +bed, and seems to be making it; then appears with a very thin bolster +in her hand._) The idea of Mr. Cox presuming to complain of such a +bolster as this! (_She disappears again behind curtains._) + +BOX (_without_). Pooh--pooh! Why don't you keep your own side of the +staircase, sir? (_Enters at back, dressed as a printer. Puts his head +out at door again, shouting._) It was as much your fault as mine, sir! +I say, sir--it was as much your fault as mine, sir! + +MRS. B. (_emerging from behind the curtains of bed_). Lor, Mr. Box! +what is the matter? + +BOX. Mind your own business, Bouncer! + +MRS. B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in, to be sure! I +declare you're quite pale in the face! + +BOX. What color would you have a man be who has been setting up long +leaders for a daily paper all night? + +MRS. B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself. + +BOX (_looking significantly at MRS. BOUNCER_). So it seems! Far be it +from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements, but I think it right to +acquaint you with my immediate intention of divesting myself of my +garments, and going to bed. + +MRS. B. Oh, Mr. Box! (_going_). + +BOX. Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I invariably +encounter going down-stairs when I'm coming up, and coming up-stairs +when I'm going down? + +MRS. B. (_confused_). Oh--yes--the gentleman in the attic, sir. + +BOX. Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him, except his +hats. I meet him in all sorts of hats--white hats and black hats--hats +with broad brims and hats with narrow brims--hats with naps and hats +without naps--in short, I have come to the conclusion that he must be +individually and professionally associated with the hatting interest. + +MRS. B. Yes, sir. And, by-the-bye, Mr. Box, he begged me to request of +you, as a particular favor, that you would not smoke quite so much. + +BOX. Did he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my compliments, +that if he objects to the effluvia of tobacco, he had better +domesticate himself in some adjoining parish. + +MRS. B. Oh, Mr. Box! you surely wouldn't deprive me of a lodger? +(_pathetically_). + +BOX. It would come to precisely the same thing, Bouncer; because if I +detect the slightest attempt to put my pipe out, I at once give you +warning that I shall give you warning at once. + +MRS. B. Well, Mr. Box--do you want anything more of me? + +BOX. On the contrary--I've had quite enough of you! + +MRS. B. Well, if ever! What next, I wonder? + + [_Goes out at L. C., slamming door after her._ + +BOX. It's quite extraordinary, the trouble I always have to get rid of +that venerable female! She knows I'm up all night, and yet she seems +to set her face against my indulging in a horizontal position by day. +Now, let me see--shall I take my nap before I swallow my breakfast, or +shall I take my breakfast before I swallow my nap--I mean, shall I +swallow my nap before-- No; never mind! I've got a rasher of bacon +somewhere (_feeling in his pockets_). I've the most distinct and vivid +recollection of having purchased a rasher of bacon-- Oh, here it is +(_produces it, wrapped in paper, and places it on table_); and a penny +roll. The next thing is to light the fire. Where are my lucifers? +(_Looking on mantle-piece, R., and taking box, opens it._) Now, 'pon +my life, this is too bad of Bouncer--this is, by several degrees, too +bad! I had a whole boxful three days ago, and now there's only one! +I'm perfectly aware that she purloins my coals and my candles and my +sugar, but I did think--oh, yes, I did think that my lucifers would be +sacred! (_Takes candlestick off the mantle-piece, R., in which there +is a very small end of candle; looks at it._) Now I should like to ask +any unprejudiced person or persons their opinion touching this candle. +In the first place, a candle is an article that I don't require, +because I'm only at home in the day-time; and I bought this candle on +the first of May--Chimney-sweepers' Day--calculating that it would +last me three months, and here's one week not half over, and the +candle three parts gone! (_Lights the fire; then takes down a gridiron +which is hanging over the fireplace, R._) Mrs. Bouncer has been using +my gridiron! The last article of consumption that I cooked upon it was +a pork-chop, and now it is powerfully impregnated with the odor of red +herrings! (_Places gridiron on fire, and then with fork lays rasher of +bacon on the gridiron._) How sleepy I am, to be sure! I'd indulge +myself with a nap, if there was anybody here to superintend the +turning of my bacon. (_Yawning again._) Perhaps it will turn itself. I +must lie down--so, here goes. (_Lies on the bed, closing the curtains +round him. After a short pause--_ + + _Enter COX, hurriedly, L. C._ + +COX. Well, wonders will never cease! Conscious of being eleven minutes +and a half behind time, I was sneaking into the shop, in a state of +considerable excitement, when my venerable employer, with a smile of +extreme benevolence on his aged countenance, said to me, "Cox, I +sha'n't want you to-day; you can have a holiday." Thoughts of +"Gravesend and back--fare, One Shilling," instantly suggested +themselves, intermingled with visions of "Greenwich for Fourpence!" +Then came the Twopenny Omnibuses, and the Halfpenny boats--in short, +I'm quite bewildered! However, I must have my breakfast first--that'll +give me time to reflect. I've bought a mutton-chop, so I sha'n't want +any dinner. (_Puts chop on table._) Good gracious! I've forgot the +bread. Holloa! what's this? A roll, I declare! Come, that's lucky! +Now, then, to light the fire. Holloa! (_seeing the lucifer-box on +table_) who presumes to touch my box of lucifers? Why, it's empty! I +left one in it--I'll take my oath I did. Heyday! Why, the fire _is_ +lighted! Where's the gridiron? On the fire, I declare! And what's that +on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, 'pon my life, there's a quiet +coolness about Mrs. Bouncer's proceedings that's almost amusing. She +takes my last lucifer--my coals and my gridiron to cook her breakfast +by! No, no--I can't stand this! Come out of that! (_Pokes fork into +bacon, and puts it on a plate on the table; then places his chop on +the gridiron, which he puts on the fire._) Now, then, for my +breakfast-things. (_Taking key, hung up, L., opens door L. and goes +out slamming the door after him with a loud noise._) + +BOX (_suddenly showing his head from behind the curtains_). Come in! +if it's you, Mrs. Bouncer--you needn't be afraid. I wonder how long +I've been asleep? (_Suddenly recollecting._) Goodness gracious--my +bacon! (_Leaps off bed and runs to the fireplace._) Holloa! what's +this? A chop! Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's, I'll be bound. She thought +to cook her breakfast while I was asleep--with my coals, too--and my +gridiron! Ha, ha! But where's my bacon? (_Seeing it on table._) Here +it is. Well, 'pon my life. Bouncer's going it! And shall I curb my +indignation? shall I falter in my vengeance? No! (_Digs the fork into +the chop, opens window, and throws chop out; shuts window again._) So +much for Bouncer's breakfast; and now for my own! (_With the fork he +puts the bacon on the gridiron again._) I may as well lay my +breakfast-things. (_Goes to mantle-piece at R., takes key out of one +of the ornaments, opens door at R. and exit, slamming door after +him._) + +COX (_putting his head in quickly at L._). Come in--come in! (_Opens +door, L. C. Enters with a small tray, on which are tea-things, etc., +which he places on drawers, L., and suddenly recollects._) Oh, +goodness! my chop! (_running to fireplace_). Holloa--what's that? The +bacon again! Oh, pooh! Zounds--confound it--dash it--damn it--I can't +stand this! (_Pokes fork into bacon, opens window and flings it out; +shuts window again, returns to drawers for tea-things, and encounters +BOX coming from his cupboard with his tea-things. They walk down C. of +stage together._) Who are you, sir? + +BOX. If you come to that--who are _you?_ + +COX. What do you want here, sir? + +BOX. If you come to that--what do _you_ want? + +COX (_aside_). It's the printer! (_Puts tea-things on the drawers._) + +BOX (_aside_). It's the hatter! (_Puts tea-things on table._) + +COX. Go to your attic, sir-- + +BOX. _My_ attic, sir? _Your_ attic, sir! + +COX. Printer, I shall do you a frightful injury if you don't instantly +leave my apartment. + +BOX. _Your_ apartment? You mean _my_ apartment, you contemptible +hatter, you! + +COX. _Your_ apartment? Ha! ha!--come, I like that! Look here, sir. +(_Produces a paper out of his pocket._) Mrs. Bouncer's receipt for the +last week's rent, sir-- + +BOX (_produces a paper, and holds it close to COX'S face_). Ditto, +sir! + +COX (_suddenly shouting_). Thieves! + +BOX. Murder! + +BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! (_Each runs to door, L. C., calling._) + + _MRS. BOUNCER runs in at door, L. C._ + +MRS. B. What is the matter? (_COX and BOX seize MRS. BOUNCER by the +arm and drag her forward._) + +BOX. Instantly remove that hatter! + +COX. Immediately turn out that printer! + +MRS. B. Well, but, gentlemen-- + +COX. Explain! (_Pulling her round to him._) + +BOX. Explain! (_Pulling her round to him._) Whose room is this? + +COX. Yes, woman--whose room is this? + +BOX. Doesn't it belong to me? + +MRS. B. No! + +COX. There! You hear, sir--it belongs to me! + +MRS. B. No--it belongs to both of you! (_sobbing_). + +COX _and_ BOX. Both of us? + +MRS. B. Oh, dear gentlemen, don't be angry--but, you see, this +gentleman (_pointing to BOX_) only being at home in the daytime, and +that gentleman (_pointing to COX_) at night, I thought I might +venture, until my little back second-floor room was ready-- + +BOX _and_ COX (_eagerly_). When will your little back second-floor +room be ready? + +MRS. B. Why, to-morrow-- + +COX. I'll take it! + +BOX. So will I! + +MRS. B. Excuse me--but if you both take it, you may just as well stop +where you are. + +COX _and_ BOX. True. + +COX. I spoke first, sir-- + +BOX. With all my heart, sir. The little back second-floor room is +yours, sir--now, go-- + +COX. Go? Pooh--pooh! + +MRS. B. Now don't quarrel, gentlemen. You see, there used to be a +partition here-- + +COX _and_ BOX. Then put it up! + +MRS. B. Nay, I'll see if I can't get the other room ready this very +day. Now _do_ keep your tempers. + + [_Exit L._ + +COX. What a disgusting position! (_walking rapidly round stage_). + +BOX (_sitting down on chair at one side of table, and following COX'S +movements_). Will you allow me to observe, if you have not had any +exercise to-day, you'd better go out and take it. + +COX. I shall not do anything of the sort, sir (_seating himself at the +table opposite BOX_). + +BOX. Very well, sir. + +COX. Very well, sir! However, don't let me prevent _you_ from going +out. + +BOX. Don't flatter yourself, sir. (_COX is about to break a piece of +the roll off._) Holloa! that's my roll, sir. (_Snatches it away, puts +a pipe in his mouth, lights it with a piece of tinder, and puffs smoke +across to COX._) + +COX. Holloa! What are you about, sir? + +BOX. What am I about? I'm about to smoke. + +COX. Wheugh! (_Goes and opens window at BOX'S back._) + +BOX. Holloa! (_Turns round._) Put down that window, sir! + +COX. Then put your pipe out, sir! + +BOX. There! (_Puts pipe on table._) + +COX. There! (_Slams down window and reseats himself._) + +BOX. I shall retire to my pillow. (_Goes up, takes off his jacket, +then goes towards bed, and sits down upon it, L. C._) + +COX (_jumps up, goes to bed, and sits down on R. of BOX_). I beg your +pardon, sir--I cannot allow any one to rumple my bed. (_Both rising._) + +BOX. Your bed? Hark ye, sir--can you fight? + +COX. No, sir. + +BOX. No? Then come on (_sparring at COX_). + +COX. Sit down, sir, or I'll instantly vociferate "Police!" + +BOX (_seats himself. COX does the same_). I say, sir-- + +COX. Well, sir? + +BOX. Although we are doomed to occupy the same room for a few hours +longer, I don't see any necessity for our cutting each other's +throats, sir. + +COX. Not at all. It's an operation that I should decidedly object to. + +BOX. And, after all, I've no violent animosity to you, sir. + +COX. Nor have I any rooted antipathy to you, sir. + +BOX. Besides, it was all Mrs. Bouncer's fault, sir. + +COX. Entirely, sir (_gradually approaching chairs_). + +BOX. Very well, sir! + +COX. Very well, sir! (_Pause._) + +BOX. Take a bit of roll, sir? + +COX. Thank ye, sir (_breaking a bit off. Pause_). + +BOX. Do you sing, sir? + +COX. I sometimes join in a chorus. + +BOX. Then give us a chorus. (_Pause._) Have you seen the Bosjemans, +sir? + +COX. No, sir--my wife wouldn't let me. + +BOX. Your _wife!_ + +COX. That is--my _intended_ wife. + +BOX. Well, that's the same thing! I congratulate you (_shaking +hands_). + +COX (_with a deep sigh_). Thank ye. (_Seeing BOX about to get up._) +You needn't disturb yourself, sir. She won't come here. + +BOX. Oh! I understand. You've got a snug little establishment of your +own _here_--on the sly--cunning dog (_nudging COX_). + +COX (_drawing himself up_). No such thing, sir; I repeat, sir, no such +thing, sir; but my wife--I mean, my intended wife--happens to be the +proprietor of a considerable number of bathing-machines-- + +BOX (_suddenly_). Ha! Where? (_grasping COX'S arm_). + +COX. At a favorite watering-place. How curious you are! + +BOX. Not at all. Well? + +COX. Consequently, in the bathing season--which luckily is rather a +long one--we see but little of each other; but as that is now over, I +am daily indulging in the expectation of being blessed with the sight +of _my_ beloved (_very seriously_). Are _you_ married? + +BOX. Me? Why--not exactly! + +COX. Ah--a happy bachelor! + +BOX. Why--not--precisely! + +COX. Oh! a--widower? + +BOX. No--not absolutely! + +COX. You'll excuse me, sir--but at present I don't exactly understand +how you can help being one of the three. + +BOX. Not help it? + +COX. No, sir--not you, nor any other man alive! + +BOX. Ah, that may be--but I'm not alive! + +COX (_pushing back his chair_). You'll excuse me, sir, but I don't +like joking upon such subjects. + +BOX. I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for the last three +years. + +COX (_shouting_). Will you be quiet, sir? + +BOX. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very large, +numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate friends. + +COX. My dear sir--my _very_ dear sir--if there does exist any +ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony +can leave this world, and yet stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know +it. + +BOX. Oh! then I presume I'm not to set you down as being frantically +attached to your intended? + +COX. Why, not exactly; and yet, at present, I'm only aware of one +obstacle to doating upon her, and that is, that I can't abide her! + +BOX. Then there's nothing more easy. Do as I did. + +COX (_eagerly_). I will! What was it? + +BOX. Drown yourself! + +COX (_shouting again_). Will you be quiet, sir? + +BOX. Listen to me. Three years ago it was my misfortune to captivate +the affections of a still blooming, though somewhat middle-aged widow, +at Ramsgate. + +COX (_aside_). Singular enough! Just my case three months ago at +Margate. + +BOX. Well, sir, to escape her importunities, I came to the +determination of enlisting into the Blues, or Lifeguards. + +COX (_aside_). So did I. How very odd! + +BOX. But they wouldn't have me--they actually had the effrontery to +say that I was too short-- + +COX (_aside_). And I wasn't tall enough! + +BOX. So I was obliged to content myself with a marching regiment--I +enlisted! + +COX (_aside_). So did I. Singular coincidence! + +BOX. I'd no sooner done so than I was sorry for it. + +COX (_aside_). So was I. + +BOX. My infatuated widow offered to purchase my discharge, on +condition that I'd lead her to the altar. + +COX (_aside_). Just my case! + +BOX. I hesitated--at last I consented. + +COX (_aside_). I consented at once! + +BOX. Well, sir, the day fixed for the happy ceremony at length drew +near--in fact, too near to be pleasant--so I suddenly discovered that +I wasn't worthy to possess her, and I told her so; when, instead of +being flattered by the compliment, she flew upon me like a tiger of +the female gender. I rejoined--when suddenly something whizzed past +me, within an inch of my ear, and shivered into a thousand fragments +against the mantle-piece--it was the slop-basin. I retaliated with a +teacup--we parted, and the next morning I was served with a notice of +action for breach of promise. + +COX. Well, sir? + +BOX. Well, sir, ruin stared me in the face--the action proceeded +against me with gigantic strides. I took a desperate resolution; I +left my home early one morning, with one suit of clothes on my back, +and another tied up in a bundle under my arm. I arrived on the cliffs, +opened my bundle, deposited the suit of clothes on the very verge of +the precipice, took one look down into the yawning gulf beneath me, +and walked off in the opposite direction. + +COX. Dear me! I think I begin to have some slight perception of your +meaning. Ingenious creature! You disappeared--the suit of clothes was +found-- + +BOX. Exactly; and in one of the pockets of the coat, or the waistcoat, +or the pantaloons--I forget which--there was also found a piece of +paper, with these affecting farewell words: "This is thy work, oh, +Penelope Ann!" + +COX. Penelope Ann! (_Starts up, takes BOX by the arm, and leads him +slowly to front of stage._) Penelope Ann? + +BOX. Penelope Ann! + +COX. Originally widow of William Wiggins? + +BOX. Widow of William Wiggins. + +COX. Proprietor of bathing-machines? + +BOX. Proprietor of bathing-machines! + +COX. At Margate? + +BOX. And Ramsgate! + +COX. It must be she! And you, sir--you are Box--the lamented, long +lost Box! + +BOX. I am. + +COX. And I was about to marry the interesting creature you so cruelly +deceived. + +BOX. Ha! then you are Cox? + +COX. I am. + +BOX. I heard of it. I congratulate you--I give you joy! And now I +think I'll go and take a stroll (_going_). + +COX. No you don't! (_stopping him_). I'll not lose sight of you till +I've restored you to the arms of your intended. + +BOX. _My_ intended? You mean _your_ intended. + +COX. No, sir--yours! + +BOX. How can she be _my_ intended, now that I'm drowned? + +COX. You're no such thing, sir! and I prefer presenting you to +Penelope Ann. + +BOX. I've no wish to be introduced to your intended. + +COX. _My_ intended? How can that be, sir? You proposed to her first! + +BOX. What of that, sir? I came to an untimely end, and you popped the +question afterwards. + +COX. Very well, sir! + +BOX. Very well, sir! + +COX. You are much more worthy of her than I am, sir. Permit me, then, +to follow the generous impulse of my nature--I give her up to you. + +BOX. Benevolent being! I wouldn't rob you for the world! (_Going._) +Good-morning, sir! + +COX (_seizing him_). Stop! + +BOX. Unhand me, hatter! or I shall cast off the lamb and assume the +lion! + +COX. Pooh! (_snapping his fingers close to BOX'S face_). + +BOX. An insult! to my very face!--under my very nose! (_rubbing it_). +You know the consequences, sir--instant satisfaction, sir! + +COX. With all my heart, sir! (_They go to the fireplace, R., and begin +ringing bells violently, and pull down bell-pulls._) + +BOTH. Mrs. Bouncer! Mrs. Bouncer! + + [_MRS. BOUNCER runs in, L. C._ + +MRS. B. What is it, gentlemen? + +BOX. Pistols for two! + +MRS. B. Yes, sir (_going_). + +COX. Stop! You don't mean to say, thoughtless and imprudent woman, +that you keep loaded fire-arms in the house? + +MRS. B. Oh no--they're not loaded. + +COX. Then produce the murderous weapons instantly! + + [_Exit MRS. BOUNCER, L. C._ + +BOX. I say, sir! + +COX. Well, sir? + +BOX. What's your opinion of duelling, sir? + +COX. I think it's a barbarous practice, sir. + +BOX. So do I, sir. To be sure, I don't so much object to it when the +pistols are not loaded. + +COX. No; I dare say that _does_ make some difference. + +BOX. And yet, sir, on the other hand, doesn't it strike you as rather +a waste of time for two people to keep firing pistols at each other +with nothing in 'em? + +COX. No, sir--not more than any other harmless recreation. + +BOX. Hark ye! Why do you object to marry Penelope Ann? + +COX. Because, as I've observed already, I can't abide her. You'll be +very happy with her. + +BOX. Happy? Me! With the consciousness that I have deprived _you_ of +such a treasure? No, no, Cox! + +COX. Don't think of me, Box--I shall be sufficiently rewarded by the +knowledge of my Box's happiness. + +BOX. Don't be absurd, sir! + +COX. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir! + +BOX. I won't have her! + +COX. I won't have her! + +BOX. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady--eh, Mr. Cox? + +COX. That's fair enough, Mr. Box. + +BOX. Or, what say you to dice? + +COX. With all my heart! Dice, by all means (_eagerly_). + +BOX (_aside_). That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a pair here +yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and +as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones. (_Goes to the +cupboard at R., and brings out the dice-box._) + +COX (_aside_). I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound +seventeen and sixpence at last Barnet Races, to a very +gentlemanly-looking man who had a most peculiar knack of throwing +sixes; I suspected they were loaded, so I gave him another half-crown, +and he gave me the dice. (_Takes dice out of his pocket; uses +lucifer-box as substitute for dice-box, which is on table._) + +BOX. Now, then, sir! + +COX. I'm ready, sir! (_They seat themselves at opposite sides of the +table._) Will you lead off, sir? + +BOX. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope +Ann? + +COX. Of course, sir. + +BOX. Very well, sir! + +COX. Very well, sir! + +BOX (_rattling dice and throwing_). Sixes! + +COX. That's not a bad throw of yours, sir. (_Rattling dice--throws._) +Sixes! + +BOX. That's a pretty good one of yours, sir. (_Throws._) Sixes! + +COX (_throws_). Sixes! + +BOX. Sixes! + +COX. Sixes! + +BOX. Sixes! + +COX. Sixes! + +BOX. Those are not bad dice of yours, sir. + +COX. Yours seem pretty good ones, sir. + +BOX. Suppose we change? + +COX. Very well, sir. (_They change dice._) + +BOX (_throwing_). Sixes! + +COX. Sixes! + +BOX. Sixes! + +COX. Sixes! + +BOX (_flings down the dice_). Pooh! It's perfectly absurd, your going +on throwing sixes in this sort of way, sir. + +COX. I shall go on till my luck changes, sir! + +BOX. Let's try something else. I have it! Suppose we toss for Penelope +Ann? + +COX. The very thing I was going to propose! (_They each turn aside and +take out a handful of money._) + +BOX (_aside, examining money_). Where's my tossing shilling? Here it +is (_selecting coin_). + +COX (_aside, examining money_). Where's my lucky sixpence? I've got +it! + +BOX. Now, then, sir--heads win? + +COX. Or tails lose--whichever you prefer. + +BOX. It's the same to me, sir. + +COX. Very well, sir. Heads, I win--tails, you lose. + +BOX. Yes,--(_suddenly_)--no. Heads win, sir. + +COX. Very well--go on! (_They are standing opposite to each other._) + +BOX (_tossing_). Heads! + +COX (_tossing_). Heads! + +BOX (_tossing_). Heads! + +COX (_tossing_). Heads! + +BOX. Ain't you rather tired of turning up heads, sir? + +COX. Couldn't you vary the monotony of our proceedings by an +occasional tail, sir? + +BOX (_tossing_). Heads! + +COX (_tossing_). Heads! + +BOX. Heads? Stop, sir! Will you permit me (_taking COX'S sixpence_). +Holloa! your sixpence has got no tail, sir! + +COX (_seizing BOX'S shilling_). And your shilling has got two heads, +sir! + +BOX. Cheat! + +COX. Swindler! (_They are about to rush upon each other, then retreat +to some distance and commence sparring, and striking fiercely at each +other._) + + _Enter MRS. BOUNCER, L. H. C._ + +BOX _and_ COX. Is the little back second-floor room ready? + +MRS. B. Not quite, gentlemen. I can't find the pistols, but I have +brought you a letter--it came by the general post yesterday. I'm sure +I don't know how I forgot it, for I put it carefully in my pocket. + +COX. And you've kept it carefully in your pocket ever since? + +MRS. B. Yes, sir. I hope you'll forgive me, sir (_going_). By-the-bye, +I paid twopence for it. + +COX. Did you? Then I _do_ forgive you. + + [_Exit MRS. B._ + +(_Looking at letter._) "Margate." The post-mark decidedly says +"Margate." + +BOX. Oh, doubtless a tender epistle from Penelope Ann. + +COX. Then read it, sir (_handing letter to BOX_). + +BOX. Me, sir? + +COX. Of course. You don't suppose I'm going to read a letter from your +intended? + +BOX. My intended! Pooh! It's addressed to you--C, O, X! + +COX. Do you think that's a C? It looks to me like a B. + +BOX. Nonsense! Fracture the seal! + +COX (_opens letter--starts_). Goodness gracious! + +BOX (_snatching letter--starts_). Gracious goodness! + +COX (_taking letter again_). "Margate--May the 4th. Sir,--I hasten to +convey to you the intelligence of a melancholy accident which has +bereft you of your intended wife." He means _your_ intended! + +BOX. No, _yours!_ However, it's perfectly immaterial--but she +unquestionably was yours. + +COX. How can that be? You proposed to her first! + +BOX. Yes, but then you-- Now don't let us begin again. Go on. + +COX (_resuming letter_). "Poor Mrs. Wiggins went out for a short +excursion in a sailing-boat--a sudden and violent squall soon after +took place, which it is supposed upset her, as she was found, two days +afterwards, keel upward." + +BOX. Poor woman! + +COX. The boat, sir! (_Reading_). "As her man of business, I +immediately proceeded to examine her papers, among which I soon +discovered her will, the following extract from which will, I have no +doubt, be satisfactory to you: 'I hereby bequeath my entire property +to my intended husband.'" Excellent but unhappy creature! +(_affected_). + +BOX. Generous, ill-fated being! (_affected_). + +COX. And to think that I tossed up for such a woman! + +BOX. When I remember that I staked such a treasure on the hazard of a +die! + +COX. I'm sure, Mr. Box, I can't sufficiently thank you for your +sympathy. + +BOX. And I'm sure, Mr. Cox, you couldn't feel more, if she had been +your own intended! + +COX. _If_ she'd been _my own_ intended? She _was_ my own intended! + +BOX. Your intended? Come, I like that! Didn't you very properly +observe just now, sir, that I proposed to her first? + +COX. To which you very sensibly replied that you'd come to an untimely +end. + +BOX. I deny it! + +COX. I say you have! + +BOX. The fortune's mine! + +COX. Mine! + +BOX. I'll have it! + +COX. So will I! + +BOX. I'll go to law! + +COX. So will I! + +BOX. Stop--a thought strikes me. Instead of going to law about the +property, suppose we divide it. + +COX. Equally? + +BOX. Equally. I'll take two-thirds. + +COX. That's fair enough--and I'll take three-fourths. + +BOX. That won't do. Half and half! + +COX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it-- + +BOX. And mine. (_About to shake hands--a Postman's knock heard at +street door._) + +COX. Holloa! Postman again! + +BOX. Postman yesterday--postman to-day. + + _Enter MRS. BOUNCER._ + +MRS. B. Another letter, Mr. Cox--twopence more! + +COX. I forgive you again! (_Taking letter._) Another trifle from +Margate. (_Opens the letter--starts._) Goodness gracious! + +BOX (_snatching letter--starts_). Gracious goodness! + +COX (_snatching letter again--reads_). "Happy to inform you--false +alarm"-- + +BOX (_overlooking_). "Sudden squall--boat upset--Mrs. Wiggins, your +intended"-- + +COX. "Picked up by a steamboat"-- + +BOX. "Carried into Boulogne"-- + +COX. "Returned here this morning"-- + +BOX. "Will start by early train, to-morrow"-- + +COX. "And be with you at ten o'clock, exact." (_Both simultaneously +pull out their watches._) + +BOX. Cox, I congratulate you-- + +COX. Box, I give you joy! + +BOX. I'm sorry that most important business of the Colonial Office +will prevent my witnessing the truly happy meeting between you and +your intended. Good-morning (_going_). + +COX (_stopping him_). It's obviously for me to retire. Not for worlds +would I disturb the rapturous meeting between you and your intended. +Good-morning! + +BOX. You'll excuse me, sir--but our last arrangement was that she was +_your_ intended. + +COX. No, yours! + +BOX. Yours! + +TOGETHER. Yours! (_Ten o'clock strikes--noise of an omnibus._) + +BOX. Ha! what's that? A cab's drawn up at the door! (_Running to +window._) No--it's a twopenny omnibus! + +COX (_leaning over BOX'S shoulder_). A lady's got out-- + +BOX. There's no mistaking that majestic person--it's Penelope Ann! + +COX. Your intended! + +BOX. Yours! + +COX. Yours! (_Both run to door, L. C., and eagerly listen._) + +BOX. Hark--she's coming up-stairs! + +COX. Shut the door! (_They slam the door, and both lean up against it +with their backs._) + +MRS. B. (_without, and knocking_). Mr. Cox! Mr. Cox! + +COX (_shouting_). I've just stepped out! + +BOX. So have I! + +MRS. B. Mr. Cox! (_Pushing at the door--COX and BOX redouble their +efforts to keep their door shut._) Open the door! It's only me--Mrs. +Bouncer! + +COX. Only you? Then where's the lady? + +MRS. B. Gone! + +COX. Upon your honor? + +BOX. As a gentleman? + +MRS. B. Yes, and she's left a note for Mr. Cox. + +COX. Give it to me! + +MRS. B. Then open the door! + +COX. Put it under! (_Letter is put under the door; COX picks up the +letter and opens it._) Goodness gracious! + +BOX (_snatching letter_). Gracious goodness! (_COX snatches the letter +and runs forward, followed by BOX._) + +COX (_reading_). "Dear Mr. Cox, pardon my candor"-- + +BOX (_looking over and reading_). "But being convinced that our +feelings, like our ages, do not reciprocate"-- + +COX. "I hasten to apprise you of my immediate union"-- + +BOX. "With Mr. Knox." + +COX. Huzza! + +BOX. Three cheers for Knox! Ha, ha, ha! (_Tosses the letter in the +air, and begins dancing. COX does the same._) + +MRS. B. (_putting her head in at door_). The little second floor-back +room is quite ready! + +COX. I don't want it! + +BOX. No more do I! + +COX. What shall part us? + +BOX. What shall tear us asunder? + +COX. Box! + +BOX. Cox! (_About to embrace--BOX stops, seizes COX'S hand, and looks +eagerly in his face._) You'll excuse the apparent insanity of the +remark, but the more I gaze on your features, the more I'm convinced +that you're my long lost brother. + +COX. The very observation I was going to make to you! + +BOX. Ah--tell me--in mercy tell me--have you such a thing as a +strawberry mark on your left arm? + +COX. No! + +BOX. Then it is he! (_They rush into each other's arms._) + +COX. Of course we stop where we are! + +BOX. Of course! + +COX. For, between you and me, I'm rather partial to this house. + +BOX. So am I--I begin to feel quite at home in it. + +COX. Everything so clean and comfortable-- + +BOX. And I'm sure the mistress of it, from what I have seen of her, is +very anxious to please. + +COX. So she is; and I vote, Box, that we stick by her. + +BOX. Agreed! There's my hand upon it--join but yours--agree that the +house is big enough to hold us both, then Box-- + +COX. And Cox-- + +BOTH. Are satisfied! + + THE CURTAIN FALLS. + + + + +FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED. + +_A Comedietta, in One Act._ + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +COLONEL CHALLENGER. + +HARRY BARTON. + +BASIL ROYSTON. + +MRS. TEMPLETON. + +JULIA TEMPLETON. } + } (her nieces.) +JOSEPHINE TEMPLETON. } + + +SCENE.--Mrs. Templeton's Villa at Roehampton. + +_Handsomely furnished apartments; large French window at C. looking on +a garden. Doors R. H. and L. H. At R. H. a table, on which is an open +album; at L. C. another table covered with papers, etc.; table, sofa, +chairs, etc._ + + _Enter MRS. TEMPLETON at C., followed by COLONEL CHALLENGER._ + +COL. Cousin Martha, you are wrong, wrong, wrong! a thousand times +wrong! + +MRS. T. Cousin Samuel, I'm right, right, right! _ten_ thousand times +right! + +COL. (_aside_). Obstinate old woman! + +MRS. T. (_aside_). Pig-headed old man! + +COL. What possible reason can you have for setting your face against +Josephine's getting married? It's downright tyranny! Call yourself an +aunt, indeed! + +MRS. T. My reason is a very simple one. Her elder sister, Julia, must +find a husband first. + +COL. First come, first served--eh? Really, my dear Martha, I must say +that, for a sensible woman, you are by many degrees the most +prejudiced, the most self-willed, the most-- + +MRS. T. Of course I am! But you know very well that when I once _do_ +make up my mind to anything-- + +COL. You stick to it like a fly to a "catch-'em-alive-oh." + +MRS. T. I don't choose that Julia should suffer what _I_ did! _I_ had +a sister, Dorothy Jane, four years my junior, who married before I +did--do you think that was pleasant?--who supplied me with a +sprinkling of nephews and nieces before _I_ had a husband--do you +think that was pleasant?--who gave garden-parties, balls, concerts, to +which all the world flocked, and surrounded her with flattery, +adulation, while _I_ was neglected, extinguished, regularly snuffed +out. Do you think _that_ was pleasant? Well, it is _this_ humiliation +that I am determined to spare Julia. + +COL. Well, you didn't lose much by waiting. I'm sure Tom Templeton was +as good a creature as ever breathed--didn't live long, poor fellow, +but cut up remarkably well considering. + +MRS. T. Leaving his two nieces, his brother's children, to my charge, +with ten thousand pounds each. + +COL. As a wedding portion, which, I must say, you didn't seem in a +hurry to part with. + +MRS. T. You know my conditions. You have only to find a husband for +Julia. + +COL. I? When she refused half the good-looking fellows within ten +miles round! If she _does_ mean to marry, she takes her time about it, +that I will say; it never seems to occur to her that she's keeping her +poor sister out in the cold! + +MRS. T. You may be mistaken, cousin. I spoke to Julia only yesterday, +and she expressed herself in terms which convinced me that, were she +to receive a suitable offer-- + +COL. She'd accept it? Well, I'm glad she's coming to her senses at +last; and I shall go away all the more comfortable in my mind. + +MRS. T. Go away? + +COL. Yes. I'm off back again to Cheltenham. Touch of gout--liver +queer; besides, my work here is done. Your husband's affairs, which I +confess appeared to me at first sight to be in a state of hopeless +confusion, are now clearly and satisfactorily arranged, thanks to my +young colleague, Harry Barton, who, I must say, worked like a nigger +over them. By-the-bye, he's another victim to Miss Julia's caprice and +fastidiousness--she actually snubbed the poor fellow before she'd time +even to look at him, much less know him. + +MRS. T. Well, you'll confess he bears his disappointment with becoming +resignation (_satirically_). + +COL. Yes, he's getting used to it, like the eels. He doesn't see the +use of crying over spilt milk. By-the-bye, there's another matter of +five thousand pounds coming to the girls out of the Hampshire +property. But Barton will give you all the particulars. + +MRS. T. I'm sure, cousin, I feel deeply indebted to you. + +COL. Not half as much as you _ought_ to feel to Harry Barton. Hasn't +he been here twice a week for the last month, up to his elbows in +leases, loans, mortgages, and the deuce knows what? Oh! here he comes. + + _Enter HARRY BARTON at C., a roll of papers under his arm, a + lawyer's blue bag in his hand, which he deposits on chair._ + +BART. (_bowing to MRS. TEMPLETON_). Your servant, madam. (_To +COLONEL._) Ah! my dear colonel, I hope you're well. But perhaps I +ought to apologize for entering unannounced. You may be engaged? + +MRS. T. Not at all. I am aware, Mr. Barton, how deeply I am in your +debt; but now that the business which served as your first +introduction here is satisfactorily concluded, pray remember my house +is open to you as before (_BARTON bows_). You will kindly excuse me +now--a few orders to give (_courtesies and exit L. H.; at the same +moment the door at R. H. opens and JOSEPHINE peeps in_). + +JOSEPHINE. Is the coast clear? (_watching MRS. TEMPLETON as she goes +out_). She's gone at last (_runs in_). + +BART. (_meeting her_). Jo, dear Jo (_taking her hand, which he is +about to kiss_). + +JOSEPHINE. Wait a minute! (_looking after MRS. TEMPLETON_). She's +quite disappeared; _now_ you may! (_holding out her hand to BARTON, +who kisses it_). And now (_turning to COLONEL_), you dear, good, kind +old uncle. Uncle is it, or cousin? I never know which. + +COL. Don't you? It's simple enough. Your mother's elder brother's +second--never mind. Call me uncle. + +JOSEPHINE. Well? Have you spoken to Aunt Martha? + +BART. Yes. Have you broken the ice? + +COL. Cracked it, that's all! + +JOSEPHINE. And what was the result? Did she consent or not? + +BART. Did she say yes or no? + +JOSEPHINE. Why don't you speak? (_impatiently_). + +BART. Why don't you say something? (_ditto_). + +COL. How the deuce can I, when you won't let me get in a word +edgeways? Well, then, my poor young friends, sorry I've no good news +for you; the old story over again--Miss Julia stops the way. + +BART. And yet Mrs. Templeton's pressing invitation to me to visit at +her house-- + +COL. Is easily explained. She doesn't even suspect that your +affections have been transferred from her elder to her younger niece. + +JOSEPHINE. Then you should have told her--then there would have been +an explosion! + +COL. Yes, which would have blown Master Harry clean out of the street +door! No, no! don't despair; Julia will find a husband--sooner or +later! + +JOSEPHINE. Sooner or later? But what am _I_ to do in the mean time? + +BART. Yes! what are _we_ to do in the mean time? + +JOSEPHINE. I'm sure she's had plenty of offers; but one was too +young--another was too old--one was too rich--another wasn't rich +enough; even poor Harry here, though he followed her about like her +shadow, and I'm sure made himself sufficiently ridiculous--even _he_ +wasn't good enough for her ladyship! It's downright absurd being so +particular. I'm sure _I_ wasn't! + +BART. No, dear Jo! _you_ took pity on me at once. + +JOSEPHINE. No, not _quite_ at once. I didn't _jump_ at you. But +what--what is to be done? + +COL. Have patience! + +JOSEPHINE. Patience? _Haven't_ I been patient for the last five weeks? + +BART. Five weeks and three days! + +JOSEPHINE. Five weeks and three days! (_suddenly_). Oh! such an idea! +such a capital notion! Listen. Julia must find a husband, or a husband +must be found for Julia--that's a settled point. + +COL. } + } (_together_). Quite so! +BART. } + +JOSEPHINE. Well, then, as she sets her face against a _young_ one-- + +COL. Yes; as she sets her face against a young one-- + +JOSEPHINE. And turns up her nose at a handsome one-- + +COL. And turns up her nose at a handsome one-- + +JOSEPHINE. She might find _you_ more to her taste! (_to COLONEL_). + +COL. She might find me more to her-- (_Seeing JOSEPHINE laughing._) +So, Miss Saucy one, you're poking fun at me, are you? Then you'll be +good enough to find another victim--I mean another admirer, for Miss +Julia! Egad, I must make haste and pack up, or I shall lose my train! +Come along with me, little one! Good-by, Barton! Keep up your spirits! +Recollect you've still got _me!_ + +JOSEPHINE. And _me,_ Harry. Not yet, but you _will!_ + + [_Exeunt COLONEL and JOSEPHINE at door R. H._ + +BART. Dear Josephine! What a contrast to her cold, insensible, +apathetic sister! I, who loved her so sincerely, so devotedly, made +such a thorough spooney of myself! and was even weak enough to believe +I was not quite indifferent to her! I confess I felt +hurt--considerably hurt--infernally hurt; but if she flattered herself +I should be inconsolable, she never was more mistaken in her life! She +little dreamt how soon I should find a cure for my infatuation in the +charms of her angelic sister! Dear Josephine! And to think there's no +hope of my calling her mine till we find somebody to call her sister +_his!_ By-the-bye, here are a few papers I must look over (_seating +himself at table and opening papers_). + +ROYS. (_heard without_). Very well; take my card to Mrs. Templeton. +I'll wait. I'm in no hurry. + +BART. Heyday! who have we here? + + _Enter BASIL ROYSTON at C._ + +ROYS. (_coming down--seeing BARTON_). I beg pardon, sir! + +BART. (_rising_). Sir--I-- + +ROYS. Be seated, I beg. + +BART. Not till you set me the example (_pointing to chair--they seat +themselves_). + +ROYS. Like me, sir, you are doubtless waiting to see Mrs. Templeton? + +BART. No, sir. + +ROYS. Oh! One of the family, perhaps? Possibly a friend? + +BART. Yes, sir, a friend. (_Aside._) He's very inquisitive! + +ROYS. (_looking at album_). What charming water-colors--perfect gems! + +BART. They are the work of Mrs. Templeton's elder niece. Are _you_ an +artist? + +ROYS. No, merely an amateur. And you? + +BART. A humble member of the legal profession. + +ROYS. A lawyer--eh? (_Aside._) By Jove! here's a chance for me! I've +half a mind to--he looks the very picture of good-nature, and six and +eightpence won't ruin me! (_Aloud._) Might I venture, sir, on so very +slight an acquaintance, to solicit your professional opinion? (_BARTON +bows._) It is rather a delicate subject, a very _peculiar_ subject. + +BART. I'm all attention, sir, merely observing that the sooner you +begin-- + +ROYS. The sooner I shall have done. Exactly. Then I'll come to the +point at once. I would ask you whether, in your opinion, a promise of +marriage, written under _certain circumstances_ and under certain +_conditions,_ must necessarily be binding? + +BART. Such conditions being-- + +ROYS. First and foremost--that the lady should have her head altered! + +BART. (_astonished_). Have her head altered? + +ROYS. I mean, have her hair dyed! + +BART. Which condition the lady has not complied with? + +ROYS. No, sir! It's as red as ever! + +BART. Then, sir, I've no hesitation in saying that the promise falls +to the ground. + +ROYS. Thank you, sir (_seizing BARTON'S hand and shaking it--aside and +sighing_). Poor Sophia! + +BART. May I inquire the name of my _new_ client? (_smiling_). + +ROYS. Royston. + +BART. The Roystons of Banbury? + +ROYS. Yes, Banbury--where the cakes come from. + +BART. I was aware that Mrs. Templeton expected you on a matter of +business--a certain sum of money, I believe? + +ROYS. Yes, coming to the family from some Hampshire property. + +BART. I imagined Mr. Royston was a much older person. + +ROYS. I see! You mean Jonathan. + +BART. Jonathan? + +Rots. Yes, my brother--the head of the firm--he's twenty years my +senior! But as he could not spare the time to come, he sent me. + +BART. (_aside_). It's worth the trial--decidedly worth it! (_looking +aside at ROYSTON_). Young, gentlemanly, sufficiently good-looking, +good family! Here goes! (_Aloud._) Excuse my candor, but I think I +guess your motive in putting the professional question you did just +now. _You_ are the writer of the promise of marriage, and you are +desirous of contracting _another_ alliance--eh? + +ROYS. _I_ don't care about it, but Jonathan does! (_Aside, and sighing +again._) Poor Sophia! + +BART. Perhaps you have some party in view? + +ROYS. No. But I'm on the lookout. + +BART. And, no doubt, anxious to succeed? + +ROYS. Not particularly--but Jonathan is. + +BART. Perhaps that is the object of your visit _here?_ + +ROYS. Eh? Is there a marriageable young lady here? + +BART. Yes. + +ROYS. I should like to see her. + +BART. Nothing more easy. + +ROYS. What age? + +BART. Twenty. + +ROYS. Any fortune? + +BART. Ten thousand. + +ROYS. That'd just suit Jonathan! Pretty? + +BART. Charming! + +ROYS. That'd just suit _me!_ Egad, suppose I try my luck? I've half a +mind! + +BART. Have a _whole_ one! I've a notion you'll succeed! + +ROYS. But I know nobody here! + +BART. I beg your pardon! you know _me!_ + +ROYS. Eh? + +BART. Known me for _years_ (_with intention_). + +ROYS. (_suddenly seeing BARTON'S meaning_). Of course I have! + +BART. Ever since we were children! + +ROYS. Babies! + +BART. We went to the same school together! + +ROYS. Of course we did! + +BART. At Tunbridge Wells! + +ROYS. Yes, at Bagnigge Wells! + +BART. And we have been friends ever since! + +ROYS. (_enthusiastically_). _Bosom friends!_ And you'll really do all +you can to serve me? + +BART. Of course I will! (_Aside._) And myself at the same time! + +ROYS. A thousand thanks, my dear-- By-the-bye, what shall I call you? + +BART. Harry. And you? + +ROYS. Basil (_grasping BARTON'S hand_). Sophia might scratch your eyes +out, but Jonathan will bless you. + +BART. Hush! (_seeing MRS. TEMPLETON, who enters at L. H._). + +MRS. T. (_to ROYSTON_). Sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Royston. + +ROYS. I am here, madam, as my brother's representative. + +MRS. T. I am aware of it. Mr. Barton, allow me to introduce to you-- + +BART. No necessity for it, madam. Basil is an old friend of mine. + +ROYS. Yes, madam! I little thought of meeting an old schoolfellow here +(_shaking BARTON'S hand warmly_). Some years ago now--eh, Tom? + +BART. (_aside to him_). Harry! + +ROYS. Harry! + +MRS. T. So you were school-fellows--eh? + +ROYS. Yes, ma'am, at--Bagnigge Wells. + +BART. (_hastily aside to him_). Tunbridge! + +ROYS. Of course! Tunbridge! + +MRS. T. You must have had some difficulty in recognizing each other? + +ROYS. _I_ had--very _considerable_ difficulty, I assure you! + +BART. We should have met earlier, no doubt, but for my friend's +lengthened absence in Italy (_significantly to ROYSTON_). + +ROYS. Yes. Ah! charming country--for those who don't mind the cold! +(_On a sign from BARTON._) I mean the heat! + +MRS. T. (_aside and looking at ROYSTON_). Really a vastly agreeable +young man! + + _Enter COLONEL at R. H._ + +COL. So Royston has arrived, has he? (_Seeing BASIL._) Heyday! why, +this is Basil--his younger brother! + +ROYS. At your service, colonel. + +MRS. T. You are acquainted, then? + +COL. I was intimate with his mother's family--indeed, I may say I was +the means of getting him a nomination to the Blue Coat school. + +BART. (_aside_). This is deuced awkward! + +MRS. T. The Blue Coat school? I thought you said Tunbridge Wells? + +ROYS. (_recollecting_). Yes; that was before--I mean after-- + +COL. (_aside and suspiciously_). I suspect these young fellows are +playing some little game of their own; and, what's more, I can pretty +well guess what it is! + +MRS. T. (_aside to COLONEL_). As Mr. Royston is an entire stranger to +me, may I ask you, Cousin Samuel, what is the opinion you have formed +of him? + +COL. Oh! a very charming young man, indeed! Most respectable family! +an ample income already, with great expectations from a couple of +aunts and a godmother! A little wild at present, perhaps, but he'll +soon settle down when he's _married!_ Ah! happy the woman who makes a +conquest of such a man! (_Aside._) There! now _I'm_ in the conspiracy +too! + +MRS. T. (_to ROYSTON_). Your friend Mr. Barton does not leave here +till to-morrow; you, I hope, will also defer your departure till then? + +BART. (_quickly to ROYSTON_). Of course you will! (_To MRS. T._) Of +course he will! (_To ROYSTON._) You'll be only too delighted! (_To +MRS. T._) He'll be only too delighted! + +MRS. T. Ah! here's my niece! (_going up to meet JULIA, who enters at +C._). + +ROYS. (_seeing JOSEPHINE, who at the same moment enters at R. H._). +Look! what a charming creature! + +BART. No, no! it isn't she! it's the other! Look there! (_pointing to +JULIA_). There's a figure! there's a symmetry! Look at those +finely-chiselled features! + +ROYS. Yes, yes! but still, in my opinion (_looking admiringly at +JOSEPHINE_)-- + +BART. Your opinion, indeed! Pshaw! what do you know about it? + +JOSEPHINE (_aside to COLONEL, and pointing to ROYSTON_). What! has +Harry found somebody already? + +MRS. T. Julia, my dear, allow me to present Mr. Royston, an old friend +of Mr. Barton's (_JULIA courtesies stiffly to ROYSTON_). + +BART. (_to ROYSTON_). There's a courtesy! that's what I call a +courtesy! + +ROYS. Yes! but, as I said before, of the two I prefer (_looking at +JOSEPHINE_)-- + +BART. You prefer, indeed! Surely I must know better than you! (_To +JULIA._) My friend Royston, a distinguished amateur of the fine arts, +is in raptures with your sketches, Miss Julia. (_JULIA courtesies +stiffly again._) + +JOSEPHINE (_to JULIA_). Why don't you thank Mr. Royston, sister? + +ROYS. (_aside to BARTON_). Oh! she's the sister--eh? + +BART. (_with pretended indifference_). Yes, a little, harmless, +insignificant school-girl-- + +ROYS. Still, I repeat, if I had to choose between them-- + +BART. Pshaw! my dear fellow, if you only knew what nonsense you're +talking! (_Aside._) Zounds! I hope he isn't going to fall in love with +Josephine! + +COL. Sorry to interrupt, but my time is precious, and business must be +attended to. Mr. Royston, will you step into the dining-room with your +papers? Barton, you'll come too? + +JOSEPHINE (_hastily aside to BARTON_). I understand it all, Harry. A +very nice young man, indeed! and likely to stand a good chance. Don't +you think so? Where _did_ you pick him up so soon? + +BART. Hush! I'll explain everything another time. + + [_COLONEL and MRS. TEMPLETON exeunt at R. H., followed by BARTON + and ROYSTON. ROYSTON stops, turns, and makes a profound bow to + JOSEPHINE. BARTON pushes him out._ + +JOSEPHINE (_aside_). I wonder what she thinks of him? (_Aloud._) A +very gentlemanly young man, Mr. Royston, don't you think so, Julia? + +JULIA (_indifferently_). I scarcely looked at him. + +JOSEPHINE (_aside_). That's not very encouraging! (_Aloud._) How _do_ +you manage to find so many admirers? _I_ can't! + +JULIA (_smiling_). Hitherto, perhaps, I may have had the lion's share +of attention, homage, and professed admiration; but _your_ turn will +come. + +JOSEPHINE. It's a long time about it! You are so difficult to please. +And poor Mr. Royston, I suppose, will be snubbed like the rest! + +JULIA (_reprovingly_). Josephine! surely you don't imagine-- + +JOSEPHINE. That there is some attraction for him here? Of course I do! +It can't be Aunt Martha--nor I! _I'm_ only a _child!_ (_with affected +humility_). + +JULIA. Josephine, you speak as though you were piqued, vexed--I might +almost say _envious!_ + +JOSEPHINE. Envious? I? Of what? + +JULIA (_sighing_). Of what, indeed! Ah, dear one, the privileges of an +elder sister are not so enviable after all! What is often her lot?--to +be constantly exposed to flattery--adulation from the lips of +strangers--compelling her to assume an extreme reserve in order to +modify the exaggerated and at times indelicate encomiums of relatives +and friends. What is the necessary result? Doubt, distrust, +suspicion--nay, even prejudice, oftentimes unjust, against those who +profess a desire to please! On this impulse _I_ have acted--an impulse +dictated by self-respect and a due sense of my own dignity! + +JOSEPHINE (_aside_). What a serious tone! (_Aloud._) But just think +how cruelly, how unjustly you _may_ have acted. And I'm sure, as for +Mr. Royston-- + +JULIA. Mr. Royston again! Silly child! + +JOSEPHINE. Child? Perhaps I could mention a little fact +that--that--but I won't! (_Aside._) Good-by to my secret if I did! +(_Aloud._) Good-by! + +JULIA. Are you going to leave me too? + +JOSEPHINE. Haven't I got to write out all the invitations for our ball +on the 23d? + +JULIA. Your birthday?--true. + +JOSEPHINE. Yes; that is the _professed_ reason--but of course it is on +_your_ account that it is given. + +JULIA (_reproachfully_). Josephine! + +JOSEPHINE. I know a younger sister's duty, Miss Templeton (_makes a +low courtesy and exit L. H._). + +JULIA. Josephine! sister!--Did she but know how she misjudges me! How +heavily I have been punished for that pride, that apparent +insensibility, with which she reproaches me! Oh, Harry! Harry! could +you but tell how bitterly I have repented! But surely, surely the +cruel, wicked indifference with which I treated his affection, his +devotion, cannot have entirely destroyed them--some _little_ spark of +the old flame must still remain! else why is he so constantly here? +Why does he still seem to seek my presence? At any rate, he shall see +that I am no heartless coquette; and when this Mr. Royston presents +himself, as I'm sure he _will_ (_seeing ROYSTON, who enters from +R. H._)-- I thought so! + +ROYS. (_aside_). She's alone! She's decidedly handsome. Yet, as I said +before, there's something about the other that--that-- (_Aloud, and +bowing to JULIA._) Miss Templeton! + +JULIA (_courtesying_). Sir! the business matter in which you are +engaged is, I presume, settled? + +ROYS. Yes; the signatures alone are required. + +JULIA. In that case perhaps I had better-- (_About to retire._) + +ROYS. One moment, I beg! (_Aside._) She's decidedly _very_ handsome! +Still--don't know how it is--but there is certainly something about +the other that--that-- (_Aloud._) Before leaving this house to-morrow, +with my new acquaintance--I mean _my old friend_ Barton-- + +JULIA (_quickly_). Mr. Barton leaves to-morrow? + +ROYS. Yes, alas! I say "alas," because one day only is now left for me +to admire your physical attractions, your mental accomplishments-- + +JULIA. Oh, sir! Believe me, my sister is far more accomplished than I +am. + +ROYS. Far be it from me to deny it. Still, from the highly eulogistic +terms in which every one speaks of you--your sister among the first-- + +JULIA. Ah, sir! Dear Josephine is so amiable, so affectionate, so +good, so loving, so angelic-- + +ROYS. (_aside_). She sticks up for her sister, that I will say! +(_Aloud._) Still, there are _certain_ attractions which we can all +judge of by our own eyes. + +JULIA (_quickly_). And who can possess them to a greater degree than +Josephine? Such exquisite grace--such absolute perfection of form and +feature-- + +ROYS. (_aside_). Her sister again! If we go on at this rate, we +sha'n't get on very fast! (_Aloud._) Allow me to be frank with you; my +brother Jonathan--but perhaps you've never heard of +Jonathan?--Jonathan Royston, of Banbury--where the cakes come +from--well, he often reproaches me with being what he calls rather +wild and fast and flighty-- + +JULIA. The only fault I find with Josephine, dear child. She is so +giddy, so thoughtless, so excitable! What a capital match you'd make! +Ha, ha, ha! + +ROYS. (_aside_). That's a pretty broad hint! (_Aloud._) And he--I mean +Jonathan--says that the best thing I could do would be to get +_married!_ + +JULIA. The very conclusion I have come to about Josephine. + +ROYS. (_aside_). It really looks as if she wanted to turn me over to +her sister. (_Aloud._) And having received the flattering assurance +that my pretensions to your hand might possibly not be unsuccessful-- + +JULIA. From whom, pray? Doubtless from my aunt. + +ROYS. Oh no! From my dear old friend, Barton. + +JULIA (_indignantly_). Mr. Barton? He? No, no! I cannot, _will_ not +believe it! + +ROYS. I'm sure he will not deny it--and see, fortunately, he's here! + + _Enter BARTON at door R. H._ + +BART. Miss Templeton, your presence is required in the drawing-room. + +JULIA (_very coldly, and seating herself at table_). Presently. + +BART. (_aside to ROYSTON_). Well, what news? + +ROYS. (_aside_). All right! At least, if it isn't this one, it'll be +the other! One of the two! + +BART. What do you mean by "the other?" + +ROYS. The "little, harmless, insignificant school-girl," you know! + +BART. (_aside_). Confound the fellow! + +ROYS. You first put the notion of marriage into my head, and I won't +leave this house a bachelor; I'll marry somebody! I leave you +together! You'll plead my cause, won't you?--and pitch it strong, +won't you? I shall be all anxiety to know the result--because if _she_ +won't have me, I can fall back on the other. Don't you see? (_shaking +BARTON'S hand, and runs out at C._). + +BART. (_aside, and looking at JULIA_). To have to plead the cause of +another, when, in spite of me, her presence _will_ recall the past, +painful, humiliating as it is! + +JULIA (_with indifference_). Your friend has left you, Mr. Barton? + +BART. He has, _Miss Templeton;_ but he has left an advocate to +intercede with you on his behalf. + +JULIA (_satirically_). A willing and an earnest one, no doubt, who +probably has already furnished him with a detailed catalogue of my +tastes, habits, pursuits, disposition-- + +BART. (_aside_). He's been blabbing! (_Aloud._) Surely he cannot have +betrayed my confidence? + +JULIA (_with suppressed anger_). The charge of "betrayal of +confidence" should rather be levelled at one who by his intimacy with +a family, into which he is admitted on terms of friendship, is enabled +to study the characters of its members for the purpose of retailing +the result of his observations to others! + +BART. I will not affect to misunderstand your reproof. It is true that +I spoke of you to Mr. Royston in terms which you fully merit--that I +even told him your heart was free. + +JULIA. Perfectly, absolutely free! You undertook to be his advocate +with such zeal, such earnestness, one might almost imagine you had +some personal interest. + +BART. And what if I _had_ an interest--a _powerful_ interest? + +JULIA (_quickly_). Indeed? + +BART. Yes. And after the somewhat harsh rejection I met with at your +hands--which, no doubt, I fully merited--what greater proof can I give +of the esteem in which I still hold you than to confide my secret to +you? + +JULIA (_starting_). A secret? (_Aside._) What can he mean? + +BART. That, on the eve of leaving your family, I should feel far less +regret could I but indulge in the hope of ever becoming connected with +it by a closer tie. + +JULIA (_aside, and joyfully_). Can it be? Has he forgotten--forgiven? +Can he still care for me? (_Aloud._) But why this silence--this want +of confidence in me? + +BART. Frankly, because we feared you would oppose our wishes, our +hopes. + +JULIA (_eagerly_). _Our_ hopes? _We_ feared? + +BART. Yes! She especially. + +JULIA. _She?_ Of whom are you speaking? Her name? + +BART. Surely I must have mentioned it? Your sister. + +JULIA (_starting from her chair_). Josephine! + +BART. Yes; rejected by her elder sister, I sought and found solace and +consolation in her goodness and sympathy. + +JULIA (_with increasing anger_). So! Your frequent visits, your +constant presence here, apparently so inconsistent with your "wounded +feelings" (_satirically_), are now explained! It was for _her!_ And +_I_ was to be kept in ignorance--to fancy, to believe, to hope-- + +BART. (_surprised_). Miss Templeton! + +JULIA. I now understand this anxiety to dispose of my hand--this crowd +of admirers thrown in my way! What mattered _my_ feelings--_my_ +happiness? I was an obstacle to be removed! (_with increasing +excitement_). + +BART. I implore you-- + +JULIA (_stamping her foot_). Silence, sir! + + _Enter MRS. TEMPLETON hurriedly at R. H._ + +MRS. T. What is the matter here? Julia! what means this +excitement--this agitation? Perhaps you, sir (_to BARTON_)-- + +BART. I am as much surprised as yourself, madam! I ventured to confide +to Miss Julia my pretensions to the hand of her sister-- + +MRS. T. (_with a scream_). What! You had the _cruelty,_ the +_barbarity_ to make such an avowal to her elder sister? (_advancing +upon BARTON, who retreats_)--to lacerate her feelings! to wound her +pride! + +JULIA. Yes, that's it!--to wound my pride! + +BART. But really-- + +MRS. T. Silence, young man! I remember what _my_ feelings were when my +younger sister was married before me. I was choking, sir! suffocating, +sir! I turned positively purple! all sorts of colors, sir! And here is +a little pert, forward chit, daring to follow her Aunt Dorothy Jane's +example!--but here she comes. (_Enter COLONEL from R. H., and +JOSEPHINE from L. H._) So, miss (_advancing angrily on JOSEPHINE_), a +pretty account I've heard of you! To mix yourself up at _your_ age in +a silly romance--a nonsensical love-intrigue-- + +COL. (_interfering_). But, my dear Martha-- + +MRS. T. (_turning sharply on him_). Hold _your_ tongue, Cousin Samuel! + +JOSEPHINE. But, aunt, if you'll only allow me-- + +MRS. T. But I _won't_ allow you! (_To JULIA._) Keep up your spirits, +poor persecuted victim! + +JOSEPHINE. Victim? It seems to me that _I'm_ the victim! Just as I +thought I was going to be married and settled! (_beginning to sob; +COLONEL tries to pacify her_). + +MRS. T. Married and settled, indeed! A child--a baby like you! (_To +BARTON._) After what has occurred, sir, you will see that your further +presence under this roof-- + +BART. (_bowing_). I fully understand, madam! + +MRS. T. (_to JOSEPHINE_). Come, miss, follow me! (_JOSEPHINE about to +speak._) Not a word! It is for _me_ to speak, as you'll find I intend +to do, and to some purpose. This way! (_making JOSEPHINE pass before +her; she and JULIA follow her out at R. H._). + +COL. Wheugh! here's a pretty piece of business! + +BART. Not satisfied with rejecting me herself, she carries her +prejudice, her hate so far as to-- + +COL. Hate? nonsense! (_Suddenly._) By Jove! I have it!--at least I +think I have. What if she should feel a "sneaking kindness" for you, +after all? + +BART. Pshaw! + +COL. But what about friend Royston? + +BART. Hang friend Royston! + +COL. With all my heart; but where the deuce is he? + +BART. Waiting somewhere or other to hear the result of my interview +with Miss Templeton. + +COL. In which you undertook to plead his cause--eh? + +BART. Yes; and forgot all about it in my anxiety to plead my own! + +COL. What's that? Do you mean to say you confided to her the secret +between you and Josephine? + +BART. Yes; trusting in her generous nature and her sisterly affection, +I certainly _did!_ + +COL. And a pretty mess you've made of it! Well, I must find Royston +and let him know. As for you, as you've received orders to march, the +sooner you pack up and pack off the better! (_hurries out at C._). + + (_Door at R. H. opens, and JOSEPHINE peeps in._) + +JOSEPHINE. Harry! Are you alone?--quite alone? (_hurries forward_). + +BART. Yes. What is it? + +JOSEPHINE. Such a discovery! (_in a very mysterious tone_). She's got +one! + +BART. She? Who? + +JOSEPHINE. Julia! + +BART. Got one? Got what? + +JOSEPHINE. A young man! shut up in a box! + +BART. In a box? + +JOSEPHINE. Listen. After being well scolded by Aunt Martha, I followed +Julia to her room. There she was, with a little open box before her, +out of which she took something, looked at it, then pressed her lips +to it, and gave such a sigh!--you might have heard it here! perhaps +you did? + +BART. Well? + +JOSEPHINE. Then aunt called her, and she hurried out of the room, +leaving the box on the table; and then--then--somehow or other--here +it is! (_producing a small casket_). It looks as if there was a young +man inside--I mean a portrait--doesn't it? + +BART. You've not opened it? (_eagerly_). + +JOSEPHINE. No! That's for Aunt Martha to do! + +BART. Surely you would not betray your sister's secret--perhaps her +happiness? + +JOSEPHINE. Much she cared about _mine,_ didn't she? Aunt Martha must +and shall see it! (_going; BARTON stops her, the box falls on stage +and opens_). There! there! how clumsy you are! + +BART. (_picks up the box, and then suddenly starting_). What do I see? + +JOSEPHINE. That's what I want to know! It _is_ a portrait, isn't it? + +BART. (_confused_). Yes!--no! a mere fancy sketch, nothing more! +(_taking miniature from box, and hastily concealing it in his +breast-pocket_). Be persuaded by me! replace the box where you found +it! (_giving box to her_). + +JOSEPHINE. Mayn't I take just one little peep?--not that I've an atom +of curiosity! + +BART. No, no! + +JOSEPHINE. Well, if you insist on it. + +BART. I do not _insist,_ I beg, _implore_ of you. + +JOSEPHINE. Very well! (_hurries out at R. H._). + +BART. (_watching her out, then taking miniature out and looking at +it_). My portrait! and what is written here? (_Reading._) "From +memory." What am I to think? Can I dare to hope that her indifference +was assumed--that she ever loved me--that she loves me still? Can such +happiness be mine? Dear, dear Julia. But zounds! what about Josephine? +Poor little girl! I can't marry them both! What--what is to be done? +(_walking up and down_). Will anybody tell me what's to be done? + + _Enter ROYSTON hurriedly at C._ + +ROYS. (_coming down_). Oh, here you are! I couldn't wait any longer! +(_following BARTON up and down_). + +BART. (_impatiently_). Don't worry! don't bother! + +ROYS. (_astonished_). Bother! when I want to thank you for introducing +me to this charming, amiable family, and to tell you I don't despair +of becoming one of it! + +BART. What? + +ROYS. In a word, I'm in love! There's no mistake about it! Over head +and ears in love! + +BART. What, sir? you persist in carrying on this absurd, ridiculous +joke? + +ROYS. Joke? + +BART. Yes, sir; I beg to tell you I'll not allow, I'll not permit you +to annoy poor dear Julia--I mean Miss Templeton--with your unwelcome +attentions, sir--your absurd importunities, sir? + +ROYS. Miss Templeton? My dear fellow, she's nothing whatever to do +with it! It's the other! the little one! + +BART. (_joyfully_). Josephine? + +ROYS. Yes. + +BART. My dear fellow! Come to my arms! (_throwing his arms about +ROYSTON, who struggles_). I congratulate you! I give you joy! Such a +sweet, charming, amiable creature, brimful of talent, overflowing with +tenderness. Come to my arms again! (_embracing ROYSTON again_). + +ROYS. Then you'll speak for me--eh? + +BART. Speak for yourself--here she comes. + + _Enter JOSEPHINE hurriedly at R._ + +JOSEPHINE (_stopping on seeing ROYSTON_). Mr. Royston. + +BART. (_aside to ROYSTON_). Now, then, speak out! don't be afraid! put +on a sentimental look. + +ROYS. (_assuming a very lackadaisical look_). This sort of thing! +(_Aloud._) Miss Josephine--I--I-- (_Aside._) It's very awkward! if I +only knew how to begin. + +BART. (_aside to him_). Go on! + +ROYS. Pardon my frankness, but it has been impossible for me to find +myself in your charming society without being +captivated--enchanted--by your fascinations, your-- + +JOSEPHINE (_surprised_). I thought it was my sister who-- + +ROYS. So it was! but she wouldn't have me! that's why I-- + +BART. (_hastily aside to him_). No! that won't do! + +ROYS. (_shouting_). No! that won't do! + +JOSEPHINE. (_still more astonished_). And you don't hesitate to +address me in this language before-- (_pointing to BARTON_). + +ROYS. Before my friend--my bosom friend--that I went to school with at +Bagnigge Wells? Why should I? It is he who encourages me--who tells me +to "go on." You told me to "go on," didn't you? + +JOSEPHINE (_with intention, and looking at BARTON_). But has it never +occurred to you that you might have a rival? + +ROYS. So much the better! I should make it my immediate business to +sweep him off the face of the earth! + +JOSEPHINE (_to BARTON, in a sarcastic tone_). And you, sir! you can +listen with perfect calmness, indifference! Have _you_ nothing to say? + +ROYS. Yes! Have _you_ nothing?-- + +BART. (_aside to him_). Hold _your_ tongue! (_Aloud, and with affected +solemnity._) Ah! who can anticipate events? How little do we know what +a few hours may bring forth! + +ROYS. Yes! how little do we know!-- + +BART. (_aside to him again_). Hold your tongue! (_Aloud._) In a word, +what if circumstances compel me to leave England for a considerable +time? + +JOSEPHINE. A considerable time? + +BART. Yes; for two years at least--possibly more! + +JOSEPHINE. Two or three years? + +BART. Could I venture to hope that you would submit to such a tax on +your goodness--your patience? + +JOSEPHINE (_very quickly_). I should think not, indeed! + +BART. (_aside_). She doesn't love me! Huzza! (_Aloud._) What course +is, then, open to me? One--only one: to sacrifice myself to the +happiness of my friend! + +ROYS. (_grasping his hand_). Glorious creature! + +JOSEPHINE. But what about your _own_ happiness? It isn't likely you +could give me up so quietly without some _other_ reason--some _other_ +motive! + +BART. I have _another_ motive, which for your sister's sake you will +respect! In a word, that portrait-- + +JOSEPHINE. In Julia's box? Yes. Well? + +BART. Was _mine!_ See! (_taking out portrait and showing it_). + +JOSEPHINE (_exclaiming_). Yours? It is! + +ROYS. Yours? It is! (_bewildered_). + +JOSEPHINE. Then--then _you_ are her young man, after all? + +ROYS. Yes. You are her young man-- + +JOSEPHINE. Of course; now I understand. Now I see it all. + +ROYS. So do I! No, I don't! At least, not _quite._ + + _Enter COLONEL hurriedly at C._ + +COL. (_singing as he comes in_). "See, the conquering hero comes." +Victory! victory! Everything's settled; and now, my dear young friends +(_shaking BARTON'S and JOSEPHINE'S hands_), you can get married as +soon as you like. + +JOSEPHINE. } + } +BART. } (_together_). Married? + } +ROYS. } + +COL. Yes! I had a devil of a fight for it, but I've carried the day! +Aunt Martha consents, Julia consents, everybody consents! + +ROYS. I beg your pardon! _I_ don't! (_Shouting_). I forbid the banns! + + _Enter MRS. TEMPLETON, followed by JULIA, at R. H._ + +JULIA (_aside, as she sees BARTON_). Still here! + +JOSEPHINE. So, Aunt Martha, you've given your consent? And you, too, +Julia? + +JULIA (_endeavoring to conceal her emotion_). Yes, Josephine, +willingly, gladly! Can I be indifferent to your happiness? (_smiling +sadly_). + +JOSEPHINE (_aside_). How bravely she bears herself! (_Aloud._) And +yet, just now, you were so indignant, so angry with me? + +JULIA. A momentary caprice, an unworthy jealousy!--but no more of +that. Kiss me, dear sister! (_kissing JOSEPHINE and moving away_). + +JOSEPHINE (_aside_). A tear? But you won't suffer long, poor dear +martyr! (_Suddenly bursting into loud laughter._) Ha! ha! ha! (_Aside +to COLONEL._) Laugh! + +COL. (_forcing laugh_). Ha! ha! ha! (_Aside._) Laugh! + +ROYS. (_very loud_). Ha! ha! ha! (_Aside._) I don't know what I'm +laughing about. + +MRS. T. What _is_ the matter? + +JOSEPHINE (_laughing again_). Ha! ha! ha! You don't mean to say you've +all been taken in? Did you think we were in earnest all the time? Ha! +ha! ha! (_Aside to COLONEL._) Laugh! + +COL. Ha! ha! ha! + +ROYS. (_very loud_). Ha! ha! ha! + +MRS. T. (_impatiently_). Josephine, I insist on your explaining this +extraordinary behavior instantly! + +JOSEPHINE. Nothing so simple. (_To COLONEL and BARTON._) There's no +necessity for our carrying on this innocent little _jest_ any longer, +is there? + +MRS. T. Jest? + +JOSEPHINE. Yes; this harmless conspiracy to make everybody happy! +Julia dear, it was to test your love for me that I pretended to be so +very anxious to get married, which I wasn't the least little bit in +the world (_with a sly look at ROYSTON_). I mean I wasn't _then!_ My +fellow-conspirator, Mr. Barton, fearing that your rejection of him +might proceed from a preference for another, joined in the plot, but +very unwillingly, for it is you, Julia, you alone, that he has ever +loved; you alone that he loves still! + +MRS. T. What is it I hear? + +BART. The truth, madam! (_To JULIA._) May I hope, or must I endure a +second refusal! + +JULIA (_tenderly_). I suffered too much from the first, Harry (_giving +her hand to BARTON_). + +ROYS. (_aside_). That's _one_ couple; but there's room for another. +(_To MRS. TEMPLETON._) Madam, I have the honor to solicit the hand of +your younger niece, Miss Josephine! + +MRS. T. With all my heart, Mr. Royston; that is, unless Josephine +objects. + +JOSEPHINE (_quickly_). But she doesn't! (_giving her hand to +ROYSTON_). + +BART. You see, Jonathan will be satisfied, after all. + +ROYS. Yes. But poor Sophia (_sighing_). + +BART. Hush! (_Aside to JULIA, and slipping the portrait into her +hand._) You'll put this portrait back in its place. + +JOSEPHINE. She won't care to look at it, now that she's got the +_original._ + + THE CURTAIN FALLS. + + + + +PEPPERPOT'S LITTLE PETS! + +_In One Act._ + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +JACK PEPPERPOT, late H. M. 147th Foot. + +DOCTOR JACOBUS JOGTROT. + +MR. CHRISTOPHER CHIRPER. + +STEPHEN BLUNT. + +MRS. TARLETAN. + +JESSIE (her niece). + +MARTHA (a servant). + +SCENE.--Mrs. Tarletan's Villa at Hampstead. + +_Elegantly furnished room at MRS. TARLETAN'S villa. French windows at +back showing garden beyond; doors R. H. 3 E. and L.; fireplace at +L. H. 2 E.; table, chairs, sofa, etc. MARTHA discovered arranging +furniture, etc._ (_bell heard without_). + +MARTHA. There's the gate bell beginning. Butcher for orders, I +suppose. (_Bell heard again._) I thought so; he's the most impatient +young man I ever came across! Asked me if I'd marry him only yesterday +morning when he called for orders, and was quite saucy because I +hadn't made up my mind when he brought the meat! I must go and ask +missus. (_Exit door R. JACK PEPPERPOT is seen to cross at back beyond +the French windows; looks cautiously in at C._). + +JACK. No one to be seen; so much the better. (_Calling off._) Now +then, Blunt, come along! take care how you turn the corner; that'll +do. (_Enters at C., walking backward, closely followed by STEPHEN +BLUNT, in an undress military jacket and cap, carrying a box covered +with Chinese characters._) Left wheel! halt. (_Takes box carefully +from BLUNT and places it on small table--opens lid._) Nothing broken, +I hope. No; I don't even see a chip! + +BLUNT. That's a wonder, too, your honor! cups and saucers is rather a +delicate sort of cargo to bring all the way from China. + +JACK (_looking at watch_). Nine o'clock! I wonder if my dear, +excellent old aunt is still indulging in a horizontal position? We +reached town so late last night, I was afraid to disturb the dear old +soul. (_Looking round him._) Blunt, it strikes me we shall find our +quarters here very comfortable--eh? (_falling into chair and +stretching out his legs_). + +BLUNT. I think so too, your honor (_imitating JACK, then jumping up +again and saluting_). Beg pardon, your honor! but when you say our +quarters-- + +JACK. I _mean_ our quarters! You wouldn't think of leaving me, you +brute, would you? Haven't we spent the last ten years of our lives +together--more or less respectably?--and if I _have_ got back to Old +England again, sound in wind and limb, who have I to thank? who but +you, you fine faithful old dog you (_laying his hand on BLUNT'S +shoulder_). + +BLUNT (_deprecatingly_). Oh! oh! + +JACK. If _you_ forget a certain sabre cut I received at the Alma, _I_ +don't. + +BLUNT. Oh! oh! just a little bit of a scratch. + +JACK. Exactly; a little bit of a scratch that began at the top of my +head and finished at the tip of my nose! I was lying on my back faint +and sick, when a noble, lion-hearted fellow cut his way through the +Russian cavalry at the risk of his life, the idiot, threw me across +his horse, and saved me! That noble, lion-hearted idiot was Stephen +Blunt--bless him! But enough of the past! By-the-bye, Blunt, as long +as you are stationed here you must make it a point of finding +everybody and everything about you charming, delightful--in short, +first chop! + +BLUNT (_touching his cap_). All right, your honor! + +MRS. TARLETAN (_heard without_). If I am wanted, Martha, you'll find +me in the garden. + +JACK. Here comes my aunt; beat a retreat--quick, anywhere. + + [_BLUNT hurries out at L. H._ + + _Enter MRS. TARLETAN at R._ + +MRS. T. (_seeing JACK_). A stranger? + +JACK (_smiling_). Not quite. (_Going to her._) Don't you know me, +_aunt?_ + +MRS. T. Eh? (_Suddenly._) Jack dear, dear boy! (_JACK clasps her in +his arms_). Kiss me again, Jack. + +JACK. Again and again till you tell me to leave off (_kissing her +again_). + +MRS. T. Let me look at you (_holding his head between her hands_). It +is ten long years since I have seen you, my darling boy: and has it +come back from China, a dear? + +JACK. It has--all the way! + +MRS. T. (_pulling his cheek affectionately_). And is it glad to get +home? + +JACK. Is it? _ain't_ it? Ah! after knocking about the world for ten +years, you don't know how happy a fellow feels in getting back to his +aunt and having his cheeks pulled about. By-the-bye, aunt, what d'ye +think?--what with my prize-money, the sale of my commission, and one +thing and the other, I find I've managed to scrape together a matter +of £10,000. + +MRS. T. Ten thousand? that's a large sum of money, my dear. + +JACK. An awful lot, isn't it? the puzzle is, what I'm to do with it. + +MRS. T. My advice is, invest in land; they say "Stick to the land, and +the land will stick to you." + +JACK. I know _mud_ will--at least it did in the Crimea. + +MRS. T. My dear Jack, do be serious! Now that you are worth £500 a +year-- + +JACK. Five hundred a year! I shall never spend the half of it. + +MRS. T. Then get a _wife_ to help you. + +JACK. A wife! me? what for?--why, my dear aunt, here are no end of +clever people complaining of the over-population of the country, and +you want me to-- (_Shaking his head._) No, no! + +MRS. T. Well, well, we'll say no more about it; though it's a pity--a +great pity! + +JACK. A pity! what do you mean? + +MRS. T. Nothing! a fancy, a dream of mine--that's all. + + (_JESSIE is heard singing a snatch of a song without--runs in + from R. H._) + +JESSIE (_running to MRS. TARLETAN and kissing her_). Good-morning, +aunty dear. (_Suddenly, seeing JACK._) A stranger! Really, sir--I--I-- +(_Courtesying._) + +JACK (_bowing to JESSIE_). So do I, I'm sure, miss! very much indeed. + +MRS. T. (_smiling_). "Sir" and "miss?" Why, Jack, have you forgotten +Jessie? + +JACK. Eh? what? little Jessie! + +JESSIE. Cousin Jack! + +JACK (_taking both JESSIE'S hands_). Dear, dear, when I remember what +a tiny little mite you were ten years ago! about so high! (_measuring +about a foot_). Why, I used to teach you A B C, didn't I? And now I +suppose you're quite an accomplished young lady? + +JESSIE. Tolerably so, I hope, cousin. + +JACK. Then you deserve a prize; and here it is (_opening box on table, +takes out a fan and presents it to JESSIE_). The reward of merit. + +JESSIE. Oh, what a beautiful Chinese fan! Oh, thank you, cousin! + +JACK. And perhaps our good aunt will give us our tea tonight out of +her new porcelain service (_showing contents of box_). + +MRS. T. A present for me, too! So you found time to think of me, dear +boy? + +JACK. Think of you! Do you remember this? (_taking small case from his +breast-pocket and opening it_). + +MRS. T. My photograph? + +JACK. Which you gave me the night before I left England. You've never +left me! You've shared all my hardships, all my dangers, all my +triumphs! Didn't we enter Pekin together, sword in hand? + +MRS. T. (_smiling_). _I_ enter Pekin! + +JACK. Yes; rolled up in three of my flannel waistcoats to protect you. + +JESSIE. Oh, Cousin Jack, I do so long to hear all your adventures. + +JACK. Then you shall have them; not all at once; mustn't be greedy, +little girl. Now for it. (_They seat themselves._) Ahem! (_in an +impressive tone_). In order to make a first-rate brick-- + +MRS. T. _and_ JESSIE. A brick? + +JACK. Don't interrupt me! I repeat, in order to make a first-rate +brick they put it on the kiln and bake it. Well, in order to make a +first-rate soldier they send him to India and bake _him_--that was my +case. + +MRS. T. Well, from India you went to the Crimea? + +JACK. Yes; there I took to rum, diluted with snowballs and gunpowder. + +JESSIE. Poor Cousin! how you must have suffered! + +JACK. Tolerably; but we ate well--when we'd got anything to eat--and +slept well when we hadn't to keep awake. + +JESSIE. And you were never wounded? + +JACK. Nothing to speak of. I got rather a warm one at the Alma, but +luckily it was on the head. + +JESSIE. Cousin Jack, I really feel quite proud of you! that I do. + +JACK. Then allow me to thank you in the name of the British Army; +allow the British Army to salute you! (_Kisses her. JESSIE joins MRS. +TARLETAN, who has gone a few steps up the stage._) + +JACK (_looking after JESSIE, and aside_). A remarkably nice little +body. If ever I _should_ marry, I really-- + +JESSIE (_to MRS. TARLETAN, as they come forward_). No, indeed, aunt, +there's no necessity for anything of the kind. + +MRS. T. I beg your pardon, my dear. Jack is one of the family. + +JACK. Of course I am! What's the matter? + +MRS. T. Well, the fact is, we are not unlikely soon to find a husband +for Jessie! + +JACK. A husband! Who is he? what is he? + +MRS. T. I only know that he is a _protégé_ of Doctor Jogtrot. + +JACK. And who's Jogtrot? + +MRS. T. Jessie's guardian; a retired physician--a very eminent man in +the scientific world. + +JACK. Oh! ah! (_Aside._) Confound Jogtrot! + + _MARTHA appears at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT._ + +MARTHA (_announcing_). Doctor Jogtrot. (_Disappears._) + + _Enter DOCTOR JOGTROT at C.; black costume--white cravat, etc._ + +JOGTROT (_to MRS. TARLETAN_). Pardon me, madam, if I am late. + +MRS. T. Don't apologize, doctor. (_Introducing._) My nephew, Captain +Pepperpot--Doctor Jogtrot (_JOGTROT bows ceremoniously to JACK, who +gives him a familiar nod in return_). + +JOGTROT. I merely precede my esteemed young friend Mr. Chirper by a +few minutes. Need I say I should not presume to present him as a +competitor for the hand of this charming young lady (_bowing to +JESSIE_), had I not discovered in his person qualities of the most +solid description. + +JACK. Solid--eh? I see! inclined to be stout--eh? + +JOGTROT (_after a stare at JACK, and turning to MRS. T. again_). In +fact, I am proud to say that Mr. Chirper is, in the strictest sense of +the word, a serious young man! + +JACK (_aside_). Wheugh! I sha'n't be able to stand much more of +Jogtrot! I feel I sha'n't. + +MRS. T. No doubt I shall grieve to part with Jessie; but as my nephew +has left the army, I shall not be entirely alone. + +JOGTROT (_to JACK_). You are a military man, sir? + +JACK (_who has been showing a gradual irritation_). I _was_--till I +left the army. + +JOGTROT. Left the army? Allow me to congratulate you on your having +done so, sir! + +JACK (_trying to keep cool_). May I ask _why?_ + +JOGTROT (_in a supercilious tone_). Because, between ourselves, sir, I +consider the military profession-- + +JACK (_bristling up_). Well, sir, what about the military profession? +Anything to say _against_ the military profession? (_advancing on +JOGTROT, who retreats_). + +MRS. T. (_aside to JACK_). Don't be so pugnacious, Jack! Recollect, +you're not at the siege of Sebastopol now! + +JOGTROT (_overhearing them, eagerly_). The siege of Sebastopol? + +MRS. T. Yes, doctor, my nephew was there during the whole campaign! + +JOGTROT (_to JACK_). Now, sir, it may be in your power to furnish me +with the most interesting statistical information. Can you form any +tolerable accurate estimate of the number of projectiles of various +kinds and dimensions discharged from the Russian batteries from the +beginning of the siege to the end? + +JACK. Frankly, my dear sir, I'm ashamed to say I never thought of +counting them. (_Aside to MRS. TARLETAN._) I wish to speak with all +possible respect of this retired chemist and druggist of yours, but +he's simply an inflated idiot! + +JOGTROT. But to return to Mr. Chirper. + +JACK. Yes, give us a little more about Dicky! + +JOGTROT (_astonished_). Dicky? + +JACK. Yes, same thing! Chirpers are all Dickies--Dickies, Chirpers, +don't you see? Go on! + + _MARTHA, entering at L._ + +MARTHA. A gentleman, ma'am, sent in his card (_giving card to MRS. +TARLETAN_). + +MRS. T. (_reading_). "Mr. Christopher Chirper." Show the gentleman in. +(_MARTHA goes to C., shows in CHIRPER, and then exits._) + + _Enter CHIRPER, in a similar costume to JOGTROT._ + +JOGTROT (_meeting CHIRPER, and handing him forward and presenting +him_). Allow me, Mrs. Tarletan--Mr. Christopher Chirper. Miss +Jessie--Mr. Christopher Chirper. (_To JACK._) Sir, Mr. Christopher +Chirper. (_CHIRPER bows very solemnly to each._) + +JACK (_aside_). A cheerful-looking youth, very! one part waiter, three +parts undertaker! + +MRS. T. (_to CHIRPER_). The flattering terms in which Dr. Jogtrot has +spoken of you more than suffice to insure you a hearty welcome! + +CHIRP. (_bowing_). I trust, madam, I may merit the favorable opinion +of my distinguished friend! Permit me to say, I am not one of those +giddy, thoughtless butterflies who consume their mental and moral +faculties in mundane futilities. + +JACK (_after a long stare at CHIRPER--then aside_). He's not a man, +he's a tract. (_Aside to JESSIE, as he goes towards table._) Lively +boy, isn't he, Jessie? (_Sits and turns over leaves of an album._) + +CHIRP. My mode of life is simplicity itself. I rise at seven-- + +JACK. Oh, confound it!--hang it!--dash it! (_turning over leaves +rapidly_). + +CHIRP. Breakfast at eight--a slice of bread, a cup of milk; that +constitutes my heartiest meal. I then walk for an hour in the square; +dine at six. + +JACK (_who has come down again_). Another cup of milk? You ought to +keep a cow, Chirper, in the square. + +CHIRP. I then plunge into my favorite studies, till I retire to my +pillow. Such is my life, madam. + +JACK. And a very jolly one, too, I should say, Chirper. + +CHIRP. Ladies, I must now request permission to retire. I am due at +the Philotechnic Institution. + +MRS. T. (_to CHIRPER_). You'll return to luncheon, I hope? + +JACK. Of course he will. (_To CHIRPER._) Of course you will +(_thrusting CHIRPER'S hat and umbrella into his hands_). I'll see +there's an extra ha'porth of milk taken in for you (_putting CHIRPER'S +hat on his head_). + + [_CHIRPER and JOGTROT bow to JESSIE and exeunt at C., MRS. + TARLETAN going up stage with them._ + +MRS. T. (_coming down_). A very, very agreeable young man indeed. + +JESSIE (_satirically_). Yes; so remarkably sprightly. + +JACK. With about as much humor in him as a damp umbrella. + +MRS. T. (_a little nettled_). I repeat, Mr. Chirper is a very +agreeable person. I would put it to anybody--to the very first comer. + +JACK. Would you? That's a bargain (_seeing BLUNT, who appears at C._). +There's my man, Stephen Blunt--he'll do; you said the first comer. +Here, Blunt (_BLUNT advances_), tell me what's your opinion of the +gentleman who has just gone? + +BLUNT (_aside to JACK, knowingly_). All right, captain, I haven't +forgot. (_Aloud._) Well, sir, I think he's charming, delightful, +first-chop. + +JACK (_quickly_). No, no! I mean the other--the young one. + +BLUNT. Well, sir, I think he's first-chop, too. + +JACK. Ugh! triple dolt, brute, idiot. (_BLUNT about to speak._) +Silence! get out! Stop, come and dress me! Ugh! pudding-head (_shakes +his fist at BLUNT and hurries out L. H., followed by BLUNT_). + +MRS. T. Why, what's the matter with the boy? such a temper all of a +sudden. + +JESSIE (_pouting_). No wonder; he sees well enough that you're tired +of me--that you want to get rid of me--that you--oh! oh! oh! + + [_Runs out crying at R._ + +MRS. T. (_astonished_). There's some mystery here I must clear up. +Jessie! Jessie! + + [_Hastens out after JESSIE at R._ + +JACK (_without, at L. H., very loud and angrily_). Hold your tongue! +don't answer me! don't be insolent!--there, there! (_Enters hurriedly +from L. H._) Wheugh! I'm better now I've let off some of the steam! +ha, ha! Poor old Blunt (_stopping suddenly_). Stop, there's nothing to +laugh at. I know I was a little bit out of temper--whose fault but his +if I was?--with his infernal "first-chop;" but I'd no business to +strike the poor fellow, with my foot especially; I ought to be ashamed +of myself. _Ought_ to be? I _am!_ Here he comes (_seeing BLUNT, who +enters at L. H., looking pale and serious; after a little hesitation +JACK walks up to him_). Stephen Blunt, I ask your pardon; there, +that's settled; now shake hands (_holds out his hand; BLUNT looks +away_). I'm sorry, Blunt, _very_ sorry; would you like to kick _me?_ +or shall I kick myself? I'll try if you like! + +BLUNT. I'd rather you had blown my brains out, captain. If any other +man in the world had--had--you know what I mean--I'd have knocked him +down. + +JACK (_quietly_). Then knock _me_ down! + +BLUNT. As you are _now,_ sir? no! but in a fair stand-up fight I +would!--at least I'd try! + +JACK (_with sudden excitement_). What's that? Stand-up fight? this +sort of thing? (_sparring and hitting out_). + +BLUNT (_with a broad grin_). That's it, sir! If you'd only just let me +knock you about for a round or two, I should feel like a man again! + +JACK (_aside_). I rather like this! I do, by Jove! There's some fun in +having one's head punched by one's servant! (_Aloud._) All right, old +boy! you shall have satisfaction after your own fashion! Look out for +some nice quiet spot, and in ten minutes' time we'll have it out; in +the mean time, mum, not a word. + + [_BLUNT runs out at C., rubbing his hands in high glee._ + +JACK (_after a pause_). I'd better by half have stopped in China! I +can't stop _here!_ I can't look quietly on--probably with my eye +bunged up--and see the woman I love married to a Dicky! No, no; I'll +pack up at once! + + (_MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE have entered R. H. during the above._) + +MRS. T. (_overhearing_). Pack up? + +JACK. Yes, aunt. I'm off--good-by! + +MRS. T. Off? Where--where? + +JACK. I don't know; somewhere or other--if not there, somewhere else. +Good-by! + +MRS. T. John Pepperpot, you are deceiving me! I want the truth! you +hear, sir, the _truth!_ + +JACK. Do you? then you shall have it! I love Jessie--there! now you've +got it! + +JESSIE (_joyously_). You hear, aunty? He loves me; _me_ whom you are +about to sacrifice--to immolate! (_in a tragic tone_). + +JACK. On the altar of a Chirper! (_in a similar tone_). + +JESSIE. It's cruel! + +JACK. Barbarous! + +JESSIE. Inhuman! + +JACK. Savage! + +MRS. T. (_who has been trying to speak_). Will you let me speak? (_To +JACK._) You say you love Jessie? + +JACK. Awfully! + +MRS. T. Well--unless, indeed, Jessie objects-- + +JESSIE (_very quietly_). But I don't! + +MRS. T. In that case, the sooner you get married the better! + +JESSIE. Oh, you kindest, best of aunties! (_kissing her_). + +MRS. T. Well, Jack, have _you_ nothing to say to me? + +JACK. Only this: that you can't form the faintest idea what a trump +you are! + +MRS. T. (_suddenly_). But what about poor Mr. Chirper? He'll be here +presently. + +JACK. Of course, the sooner we put Dicky's pipe out the better. + +MRS. T. I will speak to Dr. Jogtrot myself, and beg him to break the +intelligence to his young friend. + +JACK. Very well (_seeing BLUNT, who crosses at back_). Blunt, by Jove! +(_Exchanges a sign with BLUNT, who disappears._) Excuse me for a few +minutes--I'll be back directly (_hurries up towards C., running +against JOGTROT, who enters_). Beg pardon. (_Aside to him._) My aunt's +got a little bit of news for you that'll rather astonish your upper +works. + + [_Runs out at C._ + +MRS. T. You had better retire, Jessie. (_Aside to her._) Leave +everything to me! + + [_JESSIE exits at R. H._ + +JOGTROT. It seems, my dear lady, you have a communication to make to +me? + +MRS. T. I have; a very important one! I have just made a discovery +which I confess has given me the greatest possible pleasure. In a +word, my nephew loves Jessie, and Jessie loves my nephew! + +JOGTROT (_very quietly_). In other words, Mr. Chirper is expected to +resign his pretensions in your nephew's favor? + +MRS. T. Exactly! + +JOGTROT. My answer, madam, will be brief! I presented Mr. Chirper as a +candidate for the hand of your niece, and, _my_ word, you received him +graciously. I cannot, therefore, become an accomplice in your +inconsistency, not to say _caprice!_ + +MRS. T. (_impatiently_). But don't I tell you the young people _love_ +each other? + +JOGTROT (_very quietly_). What of that? + +MRS. T. (_indignantly_). What of that? + +JOGTROT. I myself have loved, madam! + +MRS. T. But perhaps the lady did not love you in return? + +JOGTROT. She did, madam, intensely! and married her dancing-master! + +MRS. T. (_in a compassionate tone_). Dear, dear! Of course you were +inconsolable! + +JOGTROT. No, madam, I went in for trigonometry, and that cured me! Why +should your nephew not do the same? + +MRS. T. Jack go in for trigonometry? ha! ha! Come, my dear doctor, +you'll explain the state of affairs to Mr. Chirper, won't you? +(_coaxingly_). + +JOGTROT (_very stiffly_). Certainly not, madam! + +MRS. T. (_angrily_). Then _I_ will--and in the mean time I beg to +assure you that I consider you a very uncivil, unamiable, and +intensely disagreeable person! + + [_Exit at L. H._ + +JOGTROT. Umph! a decided check for Chirper--who, if he loses the young +lady, will also lose the thousand pounds I owe him. But it isn't +necessarily check_mate._ No, no! as the young lady's legal guardian I +shall have something to say yet! + + _Enter JACK hastily at C., putting on his coat._ + +JACK (_laughing as he enters_). Ha! ha! poor old Blunt! he soon had +enough of it! (_Seeing DOCTOR._) Well, you've seen my aunt--eh? She +rather astonished you, didn't she? But really, now (_taking JOGTROT'S +arm familiarly_), you never thought your man had the ghost of a +chance, did you? + +JOGTROT. My man? + +JACK. Yes, Dicky! here he is! (_going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters +at C._). (_Aside to him._) Our intellectual friend has something to +tell you! Be a man, Dicky (_slapping him on the back_). It's no use +crying over spilt milk, my Trojan! + + [_Exit at C., CHIRPER staring after him in astonishment._ + +JOGTROT (_aside_). There are circumstances under which a fib becomes a +duty. (_Aloud, and grasping CHIRPER'S hand._) I congratulate you, +she's yours! At least she will be! + +CHIRPER (_very quietly_). Oh, joyful tidings. + +JOGTROT. But it is possible you may have a rival. + +CHIRPER (_very quietly again_). Oh, maddening thought! + +JOGTROT. But follow my advice and you shall win her yet. Never leave +her side! say all sorts of tender things to her. By-the-bye, have you +brought her a bouquet? No! Then go and get one--the bigger the better. +Go at once--recollect, the bigger the better (_hurrying CHIRPER up +stage, who goes out at C., shouting after him_)--the bigger the +better! + +JOGTROT (_coming down--then suddenly_). By no means a bad idea of +mine; at any rate, it's well worth the trial! Surely this fire-eating +captain must have _some_ blemish--_some_ small vice or other, I don't +care _how_ small. I'll undertake to stretch it as far as it will go! +Here comes his servant; I may be able to squeeze something out of +_him._ + + _Enter BLUNT at C., one of his cheeks very swollen._ + +JOGTROT (_beckoning BLUNT_). Here, my worthy creature! I wish to speak +to you. (_BLUNT touches his cap and advances._) A swollen face, I see! +Toothache? + +BLUNT. No, sir. I'll tell you how it was. _I_ makes a feint with my +left (_hitting out, JOGTROT skips back_), when slap comes a +right-hander straight from the elbow (_hitting out again, JOGTROT +skips back again_), and catches me bang on the-- + +JOGTROT. Yes; yes! exactly; but tell me, have you been long with your +gallant master? + +BLUNT. Better than ten years, sir! + +JOGTROT. The more to your credit, my fine fellow! here's a sovereign +(_gives money_). + +BLUNT. Thankee, sir! (_Aside._) What's his little game, I wonder? + +JOGTROT. I like the captain! I like him much! Rather a lively temper, +perhaps; a little bit quarrelsome--eh? slightly pugnacious--umph!--and +a sad fellow among the women, I'm afraid! Ha! ha! ha! (_poking BLUNT +in the side_). + +BLUNT. Who? Master? Not he! Only bring him face to face with a pretty +wench, and see if he don't stand there a-stammering and blushing like +any big lubberly school-boy. + +JOGTROT (_aside_). The scoundrel _won't_ speak! (_Aloud._) I gave you +a sovereign just now; oblige me by getting it changed for me. + +BLUNT (_aside_). So, so. Wanted to pump me, did he? I'll bring him a +pound's worth of coppers! + + [_Goes up, meets JACK, who enters at C., stops and whispers JACK, + pointing to JOGTROT, then exit at C._ + +JACK. So, so! my serious friend, you not only, as my aunt tells me, +refuse to withdraw your man, but you've been pumping Blunt about me, +have you? (_touching JOGTROT on the shoulder_). You can spare me time +for half a dozen words? Thank you (_very quietly_). It seems you are +not over and above anxious that I should marry my cousin? (_very +quietly_). + +JOGTROT. Frankly, I am _not!_ + +JACK (_still very quietly_). May I ask _why?_ + +JOGTROT (_aside_). He doesn't seem very explosive. I'll go it a bit! +(_Aloud._) In the first place, from my limited acquaintance with +military men, I confess--I--(_shrugging his shoulders_). + +JACK (_still very quietly_). Well, sir? + +JOGTROT (_aside_). He doesn't seem _at all_ explosive! I'll go it +another _bit._ (_Aloud._) And although you have left the army, you can +scarcely have failed to contract certain habits and pursuits, which, +in my opinion, are more or less antagonistic to happiness in the +married state! + +JACK (_aside_). I'm getting the fidgets in my right leg! (_Aloud._) In +short, you look upon me as a decidedly disreputable person? (_with +difficulty restraining his passion_). + +JOGTROT (_alarmed and very quickly_). I didn't say so! (_Aside._) I +sha'n't go it any more bits. (_Aloud._) But _seriously!_ you don't, +you _can't_ really believe you love your cousin? You've only just +returned from China. + +JACK. What of that, as long as I didn't leave my heart behind me? + +JOGTROT. Still, this sudden, _very_ sudden, _remarkably_ sudden +attachment, some people might be ill-natured enough to--to--to-- + +JACK (_with increasing impatience_). When you've quite done +"to--to--toing," perhaps you'll get on. + +JOGTROT. I repeat, some people might attribute to the lady's +_fortune,_ rather than to the lady herself (_with intention_). + +JACK. Fortune? What, Jessie? (_After a short pause._) Well, so much +the better! Not that I was aware of it. + +JOGTROT (_smiling significantly_). Oh, you were _not aware_ of it, eh? + +JACK (_checking his anger_). I have said so once, sir! + +JOGTROT (_smiling satirically_). Yes, you _said_ so, certainly! + +JACK (_gulping down his anger, and very quietly_). Have you quite +done? Then suppose we change the conversation! Now, if the thing were +properly put to you, which do you think you would prefer?--having your +nose pulled (_JOGTROT retreats_), a sound horse-whipping (_JOGTROT +takes another jump backward_), or a good kicking (_swinging his right +leg about; JOGTROT rushes out at C._). + +JACK. Ha! ha! ha! (_Suddenly stopping._) Zounds! these infernal little +pets of mine will be the ruin of me! Of course he'll tell aunt--she'll +scold--Jessie'll blubber--so shall I--at least I'll try. Our marriage +will be-- But he can't have left the house yet! I'll run after him! +Memorandum for the future--when you feel a sudden impulse to strangle +a man, _do_ it. + + [_Runs out at C. after JOGTROT._ + + _Enter MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE, followed by JOGTROT._ + +MRS. T. Surely, doctor, you must be mistaken? the thing is impossible! + +JOGTROT. I grieve to say I have it from the best authority! an +eye-witness. Half an hour ago, almost under this very roof, your +nephew was engaged in a low, vulgar, disreputable, pugilistic +encounter with his own servant! + +MRS. T. A pugilistic encounter? But the reason?--the motive? + +JOGTROT (_with malicious intention_). Is perhaps not very difficult to +guess! Your waiting-woman, my informant, is a very comely young +person; both master and man _may_ have noticed it too--young men +_will_ be young men--a little _jealousy_ perhaps? (_MRS. TARLETAN +hastily rings small bell which is on the table._) + + _Enter MARTHA at R. H._ + +MRS. T. Come here, Martha! You have informed Doctor Jogtrot that you +witnessed a scene recently, which I need not describe, between Captain +Pepperpot and his servant. Is this true? + +MARTHA. Yes, ma'am; they were hard at it, ma'am, behind the +summer-house, ma'am, a fisticuffing one another (_imitating +absurdly_). + +MRS. T. Tell me, has this man--Blunt, I think, is his name--ever given +you reason to think he--admires you? + +MARTHA. Only so far as saying I was a niceish sort of girl! But lots +have told me _that!_ + +JESSIE (_very eagerly_). And--his _master_--perhaps _he_ may have-- + +MARTHA. Well, miss, the captain has certainly chucked me under the +chin once or twice, but lots have done _that!_ + +MRS. T. You can go, Martha! + + [_Exit MARTHA at R. H._ + +JESSIE. Oh, auntie, this is dreadful! I never could have believed it +of Jack! never! (_stops on a sign from MRS. TARLETAN, who sees JACK +enter at L. H._). + +JACK (_as he enters hurriedly_). Can't find him anywhere. (_Seeing +JOGTROT._) So, so! he's stolen a march on me. (_Aside to MRS. +TARLETAN._) Aunty, I suspect our serious friend here has been giving +you _his_ version of a certain little trumpery affair that--that-- + +MRS. T. (_coldly_). He _has!_ + +JACK. Well, I confess I _was_ just a trifle hasty! One of my little +pets, you know; but if you only knew the provocation-- + +MRS. T. (_satirically_). We _do_ know the provocation! + +JESSIE (_imitating MRS. TARLETAN'S tone_). Yes, we _do_ know the +provocation! + +MRS. T. Come with me, doctor! We must have a little +conversation--_serious_ conversation! + +JOGTROT. At your service, my dear madam. (_Aside._) I wonder how our +gallant friend feels _now!_ + + [_Exit at C. with MRS. TARLETAN, JACK staring after them + bewildered._ + +JACK. Jessie! + +JESSIE (_very dignified_). Sir! + +JACK (_astonished_). "Sir!" What's the matter? You seem +annoyed--vexed. + +JESSIE. I am! + +JACK. Will you tell me why? + +JESSIE (_with comic severity_). Ask your conscience, young man! + + _Enter MARTHA at C., carrying an enormous bouquet._ + +MARTHA. This beautiful nosegay, miss--just come--with Mr. Chirper's +compliments. + + [_Gives nosegay, and exit R. H._ + +JESSIE. What a lovely bouquet! How very polite of Mr. Chirper! + +JACK (_sulkily_). There's plenty of it; looks more like a bunch of +greens! Of course, Jessie, you won't accept it? + +JESSIE (_coldly_). Why not? I'm fond of flowers! + +JACK. Yes, but you're not fond of Dicky! Come, Jessie, you'll return +that bunch of greens--I mean that nosegay--to Mr. Chirper, won't you? + +JESSIE (_pretending to admire the flowers_). Certainly not! + +JACK (_checking his rising anger_). Take care, Jessie! I ask you once +again! + +JESSIE. I shall keep it! + +JACK (_tenderly_). Jessie!--cousin! + +JESSIE. I repeat, I shall keep it! + +JACK (_furious_). You shall _not!_ (_snatching bouquet from JESSIE and +tearing it to pieces_). There, there, there! (_JESSIE screams_). + + _Enter MRS. TARLETAN at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT._ + +JESSIE. Oh, aunty (_running to her_), and you, sir (_to JOGTROT_), +protect me from the violence of my cousin! Because Mr. Chirper sent me +a nosegay, he has snatched it from me and torn it to pieces! + +JOGTROT (_advancing to JACK_). Young man, I am amazed-- + +JACK. Go to the devil! (_furiously; JOGTROT beats a retreat_). + +MRS. T. (_sorrowfully_). Oh, Jack, Jack! + +JACK. Harkee, aunt, it strikes me I've been made to play rather a +ridiculous part here. First, it's all Dicky, then it's all _me!_ Now, +it's all Dicky again! One would almost think I had been used merely as +a bait to catch a bigger fish! + +MRS. T. (_reproachfully_). Oh, nephew, nephew! + +JOGTROT (_advancing_). If you allude to Mr. Chirper, sir-- + +JACK. Damn Mr. Chirper! + + [_Hurries up, giving nosegay a violent kick, and exit L. H., + slamming door violently after him._ + +MRS. T. What a dreadful scene. + +JESSIE (_half crying_). I'll never marry him!--never! never! never! +(_picking up the flowers_). + +MRS. T. Reflect, Jessie, reflect! + +JESSIE. I _have_ reflected (_trying to restrain her tears_). Mr. +Chirper may be a trifle _slow_--and too fond of milk--but he wouldn't +be always chucking young women under the chin--and +fisti--fisti--cutting--I mean _cuffing!_ + +JOGTROT. Then I may at once convey the joyful tidings to the +thrice-happy Chirper. + +JESSIE. (_harshly_). Yes! yes! the sooner the better. + + [_JOGTROT hurries out at C._ + +MRS. T. Oh, my darling! I fear you have been too rash--too impetuous. + +JESSIE. No! I--I--(_suddenly throwing herself sobbing violently into +MRS. TARLETAN'S arms_). + +BLUNT (_heard without_). All right, captain! + + _Enter BLUNT at L. H., carrying a portmanteau._ + +MRS. T. (_to BLUNT_). Where are you taking that luggage? + +BLUNT. To the nearest hotel hereabouts, ma'am. Master's off directly, +and I'm going with him! + +MRS. T. Oh, then you bear him no malice? + +BLUNT. Malice--me! What for, ma'am? + +MRS. T. Pshaw!--in a word, I know what has lately taken place between +you. + +JESSIE. Yes! the fisti--fisti--you know (_with a lame imitation of +sparring_). + +MRS. T. (_with intention_). And we also know the _cause!_ + +BLUNT. Do you? and do you think I'd leave the captain just because of +a little--little bit of a--kicking? + +MRS. T. What? Then it wasn't about--her? + +BLUNT (_surprised_). Her? + +JESSIE. Yes. M--Martha! + +BLUNT. What! me and master fall out about a petticoat? Ha! ha! Not we! +I suppose I had offended him somehow or other, and he got into one of +his "little pets," and--struck me--_not_ with his hand, ma'am. It +nearly broke my heart. He saw it, and, like a true gentleman as he is, +he asks me, with almost tears in his eyes, to give him a good hiding, +and we sets at it at once then and there; and that's all about it, +ma'am. + +MRS. T. (_suddenly_). Take that luggage away. Not a word. Remember, I +am commanding officer here! (_BLUNT makes a salute_). In the mean time +I'll see your master. + +JESSIE. Yes, we'll see your master. + +BLUNT. Do please, ladies; and if you'd only try just to cheer him up a +bit. + +JESSIE (_eagerly_). Is he unhappy, then? + +BLUNT. All I know is, as he was ramming his things into his +portmanteau with his fists--this sort of thing (_imitating_).--I saw a +great big one hanging to the tip of his nose. + +JESSIE. A great big what? Not a tear? + +BLUNT. Yes, miss! he said it was a cold in his head, but I know +better. + +JACK (_heard from room L. H._). Blunt! Blunt! + +BLUNT. Coming, sir! (_about to run to the door L. H._). + +MRS. T. (_pointing to C._). That way, if you please. Remember, +obedience is the first duty of a soldier. + + [_BLUNT makes a salute, and exit at C. with portmanteau._ + +JESSIE. Oh, aunty! only fancy poor Jack with a tear hanging to the tip +of his great big nose--I mean, a great big tear! Why, _why_ did you +let me tell my guardian that I'd never marry Jack? _Do_ run after him, +and tell him I've changed my mind, and that I'll _never,_ never, never +marry any one else. _Do_ make haste, aunty dear. _Do_ be a little bit +impetuous like me (_during this she has urged MRS. TARLETAN towards +C._). + +MRS.T. (_laughing_). Spoiled child! spoiled child! (_kisses her, and +hurries out at C._). + + _Enter JACK at door L. H., dressed in tweed travelling suit, an + overcoat over his arm, and a small bag in his hand._ + +JACK (_stops on seeing JESSIE_). A thousand pardons, Jes--I mean Miss +Manvers. I expected to find my aunt. + +JESSIE (_archly_). And you are disappointed at finding only _me?_ + +JACK (_aside_). What unseemly levity! (_Aloud._) I cannot leave her +roof without wishing her good-by. + +JESSIE. Of course not--but you're not going? (_smiling_). + +JACK (_assuming a very dignified manner_). I beg your pardon, _miss!_ + +JESSIE (_imitating JACK_). I beg yours, _sir!_ + +JACK. What! remain here and see you married? + +JESSIE. Of course; how _can_ I get married unless you _do_ remain? + +JACK (_indignantly_). You don't expect me to give Dicky away, I hope? + +JESSIE. No; but I certainly _do_ expect you will give yourself away! +and to me who love you, oh, so dearly! + +JACK (_throwing away his coat, etc., and clasping JESSIE in his +arms_). Jessie darling! But what--what does it all mean? + +JESSIE (_very rapidly_). That I know _why_ you got fisti--fisti--you +know--with your servant; that it wasn't about Martha at all; that all +my guardian said about you was a great big story! + +JACK. Oh! oh! So old Jogtrot has been poking his ugly nose into my +affairs again, has he? (_Savagely._) I'll wring it off! + +JESSIE (_holding up her finger_). Now listen to me, Cousin Jack; if +you cannot and do not control that dreadfully peppery temper of +yours-- + +JACK (_very quickly_). But I _will!_ I swear it by--by this (_taking +small hand-bell off table_). Now, Jessie, if ever you see me getting +the least little bit frantic, you've only to-- + +JESSIE. I understand (_taking bell and ringing it_). + +JACK. That's it! + +JESSIE (_looking towards C._). Here comes my guardian; now do as I +tell you. Go over there (_pointing; JACK moves a few paces from her_); +farther than that! Now cross your arms (_JACK obeys_); look sulky! + +JACK. This sort of thing? (_putting on a sulky look_). + +JESSIE. Worse than that (_JACK puts on a hideous grimace_). That's +better! Now turn your back to me (_JACK obeys; JESSIE also turns her +back on JACK_). + +JACK (_looking round_). Isn't there time just for one kiss? + +JESSIE. No--no. + +JACK. Only a tiny one! + +JESSIE. Hush! (_they both hastily resume their positions back to +back_). + + _Enter JOGTROT at C._ + +JOGTROT (_seeing them_). Dos-à-dos! The lady pouting--the gentleman +frowning! Then the storm I contrived to raise is still at its height +(_coming down and touching JACK on the shoulder; JACK turns to him +with an intensely savage expression of face, making JOGTROT start +back_). + +JOGTROT (_in a soothing tone_). Cheer up, my gallant young friend; the +sex, you know, is capricious--"sipping each flower, changing each +hour." It is sad--very sad! + +JACK (_sulkily_). For _me,_ not for _you,_ who have always opposed my +marriage with my cousin. + +JOGTROT. I? On the contrary, not ten minutes ago I asked her if she +had any lingering affection for you, and her answer was-- + +JESSIE. That I would marry Mr. Chirper. + +JOGTROT. There, there! you hear? + +JESSIE. Yes, but (_imitating JOGTROT_), "the sex is so capricious," +you know--"sipping each flower, changing each hour." So now, Guardy, +I'll marry Jack, please (_bobbing a courtesy; then running to JACK, +who takes her in his arms_). + +JOGTROT (_shouting_). Stop! that's all wrong (_seeing MRS. TARLETAN +and CHIRPER, who enter at C._). You're just in time, madam! There's a +gigantic, a colossal mistake here! + +MRS. T. (_smiling_). A mistake? Not at all! + +JOGTROT. Not at all! Am I to understand, then, madam, that after the +deplorable--scandalous scene of this morning-- + +MRS. T. Which has been fully explained, and will never be repeated! + +JACK. Never! I've sworn it (_looking at JESSIE and pointing to the +small bell on the table_). No more tempers, no more "little pets." + +JOGTROT (_aside_). One more chance! (_Aloud._) All I desire is my +ward's happiness! happiness!--poor girl! (_shrugging his shoulders and +giving a deep sigh_). + +JACK (_bristling up sharply._) What's that? + +JOGTROT (_sneeringly_). I believe, sir, I have already expressed my +opinion of military men--as _husbands!_ + +JACK (_threateningly_). Take my advice, sir, and leave military men +alone, or else-- (_JESSIE takes small bell and rings it; JACK falls +into chair laughing._) + +JOGTROT. In a word-- + +MRS. T. Pardon me, doctor, you have said quite enough already! + +JESSIE (_indignantly_) _More_ than enough, Doctor Jogtrot! (_advancing +on JOGTROT, who retreats; she follows him up_). For the last ten +minutes you've been insulting a better man than yourself, Doctor +Jogtrot!--a _far_ better man, Doctor Jogtrot! + +JACK (_aside_). Halloa! here's JESSIE getting into a pet! (_takes +second small bell and rings it; JESSIE and JACK fall into chairs +roaring with laughter and ringing their bells, JOGTROT staring at them +in astonishment_). + +CHIRPER (_to JOGTROT, in a sympathizing tone_). My dear respected +friend-- + +JOGTROT (_turning fiercely on CHIRPER_). And you! standing there like +a gaping idiot--ugh! + +JACK. Oh, Dicky's all right! he's got his cow; hain't you, Dicky? + +CHIRPER. _And_ the Philotechnic, where, by-the-bye, I am now due. + +JOGTROT. So am I. Come along (_slams his hat on his head, puts his arm +in CHIRPER'S, swings him round, and drags him out at C._). + +JACK (_taking JESSIE'S hand_). Mine! mine at last! + +JESSIE (_smiling_). But remember. Jack, no more irritability, no more +tempers. + +JACK. No! Here, here I vow, protest, and declare is the last of +Pepperpot's little _Pets!_ (_kisses JESSIE'S hand as curtain falls_). + + + + +AFTER A STORM COMES A CALM. + +_Comedietta, in One Act._ + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +MAJOR PELICAN. + +DR. VICESSIMUS PRETTYWELL. + +JOSEPH (a servant). + +MRS. PELICAN. + +MRS. MAJOR PELICAN. + +FANNY. + +SCENE.--Major Pelican's Villa in St. John's Wood. + +_A handsomely furnished apartment. Door at C., doors R. H. and L. H.; +a window at back, at R. C._ + +JOSEPH (_discovered lounging in an easy-chair, his legs upon another, +a newspaper open in his hand_). Now, then, for a quiet squint at the +sporting intelligence. See if I can't pick out a likely one for the +Great Cricklewood Handicap. (_Bell rings at L. H._) Of course! No +indulging in literary pursuits in this house! That's the young +missus's bell, and she can't bear being kept waiting. Well, I suppose +it's only natural for young people to be impatient (_getting up and +going towards L. H.; bell at R. H. is heard to ring_). Now the old +lady's at it, and she's always in a hurry, she is! Well, I suppose old +people can't afford to wait (_going towards door R. H.; bell at L. H. +rings again, then the bell at R. H.; then both bells are rung +violently; JOSEPH running backward and forward_). + + _Enter MAJOR PELICAN at C._ + +MAJOR. Well, Joseph, don't you hear the bell? + +JOSEPH. I hear two of them, sir. + +MAJOR. Then why don't you go? + +JOSEPH. I don't know which way to go, sir! I can't answer both bells +at once, sir! (_here both bells are heard to ring again_). + + _Enter DR. PRETTYWELL at C._ + +JOSEPH (_to MAJOR_). What am I to do, sir? + +DOCTOR (_coming down_). Do what you are doing now! + +JOSEPH. I ain't doing nothing, sir. + +DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It's about the best thing you +_can_ do. + +JOSEPH. But I shall catch it from _both_ my missusses, sir! + +DOCTOR. At first perhaps you _will;_ but when they find they've both +fared alike, they'll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention +you show to the other. Go to your work. + +JOSEPH. Yes, sir. + + [_Exit at C._ + +DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah! + +MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus! + +DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but +frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to +"calm and settled" weather, I'm afraid my visits wouldn't be very +frequent. + +MAJOR. True, my dear doctor. + +DOCTOR. I don't know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to +have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house +of yours. + +MAJOR. True again, and I'll tell you why. Because this "house of +mine," as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant +elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact +and exploding _here!_ + +DOCTOR. I don't exactly understand. + +MAJOR. It's very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, who +_both_ claim to be "monarch of all they survey," I, the master of the +house-- + +DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure--eh? + +MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes, +_or_ my mother, but to do as they _both_ wish is impossible, for the +simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing, +_consequently,_ the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the +other; one invokes her title of "mother," the other her privileges of +"wife;" consequently, between the two-- + +DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence? + +MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact, _all_ kicks. + +DOCTOR. And yet I don't know a more charming, amiable person than your +excellent mother. I've known and admired her for more than thirty +years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been +your father. + +MAJOR. Thank you. But I'm very well satisfied as I am; besides, the +thing couldn't be done now. + +DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the "author +of your being," so there was an end of my romance! But to return to +these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother, +I am convinced the fault lies with your wife. + +MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I'm certain it lies with my +mother. + +DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these +personal and conjugal troubles of yours? + +MAJOR. How? + +DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties--no +matter which--to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support +her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being +right, even when she's wrong, and the thing's done! + +MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it's +impracticable. + +DOCTOR. Why? + +MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount of _pluck_ to +carry it out, and I hain't got an atom. + +DOCTOR. Nonsense! You've only to show a proper spirit. + +MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain't any spirit _at all?_ + +DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet +he fiddled when Rome was burning. + +MAJOR. But I'm not a Nero! Besides, I hain't got a fiddle, and I +couldn't fiddle if I had. + +MRS. P. } (_from rooms R. and L.--together_). Joseph! +MRS. MAJOR. } Joseph! + +DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper +spirit; in the mean time I'll beat a retreat (_runs out at C._). + +MAJOR (_shouting after him_). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy +of two exasperated females! + + _Enter MRS. PELICAN hurriedly at R. H._ + +MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable! + +MRS. MAJOR. It's absolutely unbearable! (_entering hurriedly at +L. H._). + +MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell! + +MRS. MAJOR. What's the use of my ringing? + +MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah. + +MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (_aside_) and I devoutly wish I was +anywhere else! + +MRS. P. (_turning him round towards her_). I appeal to you to see that +my authority in this house is respected! + +MAJOR (_with pretended surprise_). What! Has any one dared-- + +MRS. MAJOR (_turning him towards her_). I presume you won't allow _me_ +to be treated with inattention? + +MAJOR. (_with pretended surprise again_). What! Has any one presumed-- + +MRS. P. (_aside to him_). But what's the matter with your wife? She +seems out of temper! + +MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn't attend to her summons at once. When +_you_ require him, he knows better than to do _that!_ + +MRS. MAJOR (_aside to him_). Your mother appears annoyed at something +or other? + +MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn't answer her bell. He knows better than +keep _you_ waiting. (_Aside._) What a humbug I am! + +MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later +to-day. + +MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray? + +MRS. P. Because it suits me. + +MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her-- + +MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn't suit _me._ I expect Mr. Simcox, the +jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five. + +MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox-- + +MRS. P. It's too late now, the dinner will be served at six o'clock. + +MRS. MAJOR. I won't give way! It will be on the table at five. + +MRS. P. Six. + +MRS. MAJOR. Five. + +MAJOR (_aside_). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs! + + _Enter JOSEPH, running, at C._ + +JOSEPH. Please, ma'am, please, sir, here's Miss Fanny just driven up +in a cab from the station! + +MRS. P. Fanny! + +MAJOR. What can have brought her back? + +FANNY (_heard speaking off at C._). Gently, my good man, with that +box! My best hat's in it! such a beauty too! (_runs in at C.; she is +in a light summer travelling costume_). Here I am! How astonished you +all look! Ha! ha! ha! (_Running to MRS. MAJOR P._) Dear Georgina! so +glad to see you once again (_kissing her--Nodding to MAJOR_). How do, +brother Jeremiah? and you, dear mamma? (_about to kiss MRS. PELICAN_). + +MRS. P. (_stiffly_). I was not aware, miss, that it was usual for a +well-educated young lady to address her sister-in-law before her +mother! + +FANNY. Did I? So sorry, dear mamma. I really didn't see you at first. + +MAJOR (_aside_). I'm sure she's big enough! + +FANNY (_holding up her face to MRS. P._). Well, mamma, won't you kiss +me? (_Slyly._) You know you're punishing yourself as well as me. + +MRS. P. Who can resist the dear child? (_kissing FANNY_). But we +thought your visit to your Cheltenham friends was intended to last +another week? + +FANNY. So it was, but they were obliged to return to town, so they +brought me with them, put my luggage into a cab at the station, me on +the top--I mean my luggage on the top--and here I am! + + _Enter JOSEPH at L. H._ + +JOSEPH. Luncheon is on the table, sir. + +MRS. P. Very well, Joseph. (_Aside to MAJOR._) Don't forget what I +said about the dinner. + +MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; six o'clock, sharp! + +MRS. MAJOR (_aside to MAJOR_). Remember what I decided about the +dinner-hour! + +MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; five o'clock, sharp! (_Aside._) +Between the two the chances are I sha'n't get any dinner at all! + + [_Exeunt MRS. PELICAN and MAJOR at R. H._ + +FANNY. I'm so glad we're alone at last, Georgina; we can have a nice +long chat together all alone; and I've such a lot to tell you! + +MRS. MAJOR. Well, I'm all attention! But first, how did you enjoy your +trip to Cheltenham? + +FANNY. Not much. I found it rather slow. Nothing but a collection of +bilious-looking fogies being wheeled about in Bath-chairs. But never +mind that; I've something else to talk about! + +MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). Something very serious, no doubt. + +FANNY. Awfully serious! Listen! At the very first ball I went to at +the Assembly-rooms-- + +MRS. MAJOR. A very brilliant affair, of course! + +FANNY. Really, Georgina, if you keep on interrupting me in this sort +of way-- + +MRS. MAJOR. I beg your pardon! Well? + +FANNY. Well, at my very first ball I danced with a gentleman once or +twice--perhaps three or four times. + +MRS. MAJOR. Young, of course (_smiling_). + +FANNY. Rather! + +MRS. MAJOR. Handsome? + +FANNY (_very quickly_). Very! Well, judge of my surprise when, the +very next morning, as I was sitting in the drawing-room, the door +opened and the servant announced "Captain Boodle!" + +MRS. MAJOR. The "young gentleman?" (_smiling_). + +FANNY. Yes. + +MRS. MAJOR. Perhaps you had given him your address? + +FANNY (_indignantly_). Not I, indeed! He didn't ask for it, or perhaps +I might! Well, the next morning he called again, and the following +morning, and the morning after that--in short, every morning--and as I +was always in the drawing-room, of course quite by accident-- + +MRS. MAJOR. You naturally became quite intimate--familiar and chatty. + +FANNY. _He_ didn't. _I_ did all the _chatting_ part! Never did I see +any one so timid, so bashful, as Boodle. When he _did_ try to say +something, there he'd stand stammering and stuttering and blushing +like a school-girl! But although his tongue didn't say much, his +_eyes_ did! + +MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). And they said, "I love you?" + +FANNY. Distinctly! Well, I thought to myself it's not a bit of use +going on like this. It's quite evident the poor man worships the very +ground I tread upon. So when he called next day, and I told him, in +_tremulous accents,_ of course, that I was going away, the effect was +magical. First he turned pale, then red, then blue; then he let his +hat fall, then his umbrella, then himself--on both his knees, at both +my feet, and there, I believe, he would have remained till further +notice, if I hadn't said to him, "Augustus"--his name is Augustus--"I +won't pretend to misunderstand you. You love me! I am yours!" + +MRS. MAJOR. What! Such an act of thoughtlessness, of indiscretion, on +your part! + +FANNY. Perhaps it was, but I know this: it quite cured him of his +timidity; for when he once _did_ begin, I never heard anybody's tongue +rattle on at such a rate as his did--never! + +MRS. MAJOR. And the result, I presume, was-- + +FANNY. That we both, then and there, exchanged vows of constancy and +locks of hair! His is rather red, by-the-bye! But I see mamma coming! + +MRS. MAJOR. Then I'll retire. Seeing us closeted together would only +arouse her ridiculous jealousy. + +FANNY. And I'll see if I can't find an opportunity to slip in a word +about Augustus. In the mean time you'll keep my secret? + +MRS. MAJOR. Religiously! for your sake (_going up_). + +FANNY. And Boodle's. + +MRS. MAJOR (_turning and smiling_). And Boodle's. + + [_Exit at C._ + + _Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H._ + +MRS. P. Oh, here you are, Fanny! + +FANNY. Yes, mamma! and quite alone. + +MRS. P. _Now!_ But you were not alone. + +FANNY. No, dear Georgina was with me. + +MRS. P. And "dear Georgina," no doubt, lost no opportunity of +prejudicing you against your mother! + +FANNY. Oh, mamma! (_reproachfully_). + +MRS. P. But fortunately you will not long be exposed to her pernicious +influence. + +FANNY. Oh, mamma! + +MRS. P. Bring a chair and sit down by me. + +FANNY (_sitting down by MRS. PELICAN'S side--aside_). I wonder what's +coming? + +MRS. P. I have something serious to say to you, Fanny. + +FANNY. So have I to you, mamma--_very_ serious! + +MRS. P. Indeed! In the mean time, as I happen to be your mother, and +you, consequently, happen to be my daughter, perhaps you'll allow me +to begin _first?_ + +FANNY. Certainly. + +MRS. P. Then listen. Although you are still very young-- + +FANNY. Nineteen next birthday, mamma. + +MRS. P. Don't interrupt me! Although you are still young, I have been +reflecting a good deal lately on that all-important subject, your +future settlement in life! + +FANNY (_quickly_). So have I, mamma! (_Aside._) I shall be able to get +in a word presently about Augustus! + +MRS. P. In other words, don't you consider it high time you thought of +matrimony? + +FANNY (_very quickly_). I _do,_ mamma! I'm always thinking of it! + +MRS. P. But of course it isn't likely _you_ can have any one in your +eye _yet!_ + +FANNY. I beg your pardon! I _have!_ + +MRS. P. (_severely_). What's that you say? + +FANNY. That is--I mean--of course I hain't! (_Aside._) It won't do to +say anything about Augustus yet; I must keep him dark! + +MRS. P. Then you have no positive antipathy to the married state? + +FANNY. I should think not, indeed! (_very quickly_). + +MRS. P. (_severely_). My dear, I'm really surprised to hear a +well-educated young lady express herself in such, I might almost say +indelicate, terms. But to return; I need not say I would not encourage +any candidate for your hand who was not deserving of you. + +FANNY. Of course not, mamma! He _must_ be worthy of such a treasure! + +MRS. P. Tolerably young, and not absolutely ill-looking! + +FANNY (_eagerly_). Certainly not! (_Aside._) I call Augustus decidedly +_good-_looking! + +MRS. P. And in the possession of ample means. + +FANNY (_aside_). Augustus has got ever so much already, besides two +rich maiden aunts and an aged godmother! + +MRS. P. All of which qualifications are, fortunately, in the +possession of Sir Marmaduke Mangle! + +FANNY. Sir Marmaduke Mangle? Lor, mamma, you can't mean that little +old man we met at Brighton, with a bad cough, a wig, and a +canary-colored complexion? + +MRS. P. He's not old by any means, and is only _slightly_ +canary-colored after all! However, he has seen you, he admires you, +and offers you his hand, his heart, his title, and his fortune! + +FANNY. But I don't love _him,_ mamma! I never _could_ love him--even +if I didn't love somebody else! + +MRS. P. (_starting_). What's that I hear? You love somebody else? + +FANNY. Yes, and one who loves _me,_ and one I'm determined to marry, +or die an old maid. There! + +MRS. P. (_angrily_). Silence, miss! + +FANNY (_impatiently_). I won't silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke +such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I'll consent to it, and +give you away into the bargain! It's quite evident you were never in +love! + +MRS. P. I beg your pardon! I _was,_ intensely, with a youthful doctor! +(_Aside._) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! (_giving a long sigh_). Nevertheless, +I married your father--and we were not so _very_ unhappy, considering! +(_To FANNY, who is about to speak._) Not another word! My mind is made +up, so the sooner you make up _yours_ to become Lady Mangle the +better! + + _Enter MRS. MAJOR and MAJOR at C., followed by JOSEPH._ + +MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for +Miss Fanny in her mamma's room! + +MRS. P. (_sharply_). What's that? Put up a bed in my room? + +MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not? + +MRS. P. Because I won't allow it! + +MAJOR (_aside_). There they are, at it again! + +FANNY. But why can't I have my own snug little room? + +MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself; +besides, Fanny's proper place is with her mother. + +MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my +sleep. + +FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma--you'd scarcely hear me +breathe; _I_ don't, and as for snoring-- + +MRS. P. I won't hear another word. + +MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleep _somewhere!_ She requires a +horizontal position as much as other people. + +MRS. P. Then let her find one--but not in _my_ room! + +MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out. + +FANNY (_aside to MAJOR_). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your +place just for five minutes! + +MAJOR (_aside_). She's quite right! I'm master here after all, +confound it! If I'm _not_, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, I +_will_ be, confound it! (_Aloud, and assuming an authoritative +manner._) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over +my domestic hearth. + +FANNY (_aside to him_). Confound it! + +MAJOR. Confound it! + +MRS. P. } + } Quite true! +MRS. MAJOR. } + +MAJOR. And henceforth I'm determined to be master of my own house. +(_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it! + +MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well. + +MRS. P. } + } Of course! Well (_anxiously_), decide between us. +MRS. MAJOR. } + +MAJOR. That's what I'm going to do. (_Aside._) It's really very +awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest; +besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife-- + +MRS. P. (_to MAJOR_). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here? + +MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two? + +MAJOR (_after a violent effort_). My wife! There! I've said it. +(_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it! + +MRS. P. Ah! (_screaming and falling into a chair_). + +MRS. MAJOR. Come, major, and as your reward you shall hear me issue my +orders in such a style. + + [_Exit at L. H., hurrying MAJOR with her, and calling, as she + goes out,_ Joseph! Mary! Sophia! + +MRS. P. (_suddenly starting up from her chair_). So! she--_she's_ to +be everybody, and _I'm_ to be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there +ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them, +without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my +experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic +affairs--nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to +allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever! + +FANNY (_aside_). Poor dear mamma! she doesn't see that's the very +reason why everything went wrong. + +MRS. P. But I'll forget them, I'll renounce them, I'll cast them off, +I'll abandon them to their unhappy fate; and when you're comfortably +married, dear, I'll come and live with _you_ (_throwing her arms round +FANNY, who tries to speak_). No thanks, I see you are literally +bursting with gratitude; but I am rewarded already! I feel it +here--here! (_striking her breast, then flings her arms round FANNY +again, and hurries out at R. H._). + +FANNY. Mercy on us! here's a pretty piece of business! Live with me +when I am married! Poor Augustus! he little suspects what a rod there +is in pickle for him! It's all Jeremiah's fault, and it's poor little +I who am punished. + +DOCTOR (_without_). In the parlor, is she? Very well! + +FANNY. Surely that's dear Doctor Prettywell's voice! + + _Enter DOCTOR at C._ + +DOCTOR. Ah! my dear young friend, delighted to see you! + +FANNY. Not more than I am to see you, doctor! + +DOCTOR. But let me look at you. How we're grown! I declare we're quite +a young woman! + +FANNY. Yes, doctor. + +DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too! + +FANNY. Yes, doctor. + +DOCTOR (_looking intently at FANNY_). She's the very image of her +mother as she _was_ thirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before +she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the +same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in! + +FANNY (_aside_). How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain't +fascinated _him_ as well as Sir Marmaduke! (_Suddenly._) Goodness me! +what if _he_ should be the "youthful doctor" mamma was speaking about? +(_DOCTOR looks at her again and gives a loud sigh._) What a sigh! It +must be he. He may still have some lingering affection for her; the +flame may not be _quite_ burnt out; there may be a tiny spark left +which a little gentle _blowing_ may rekindle into a blaze. It isn't +very likely; still, I may as well try what a little "blowing" may do. + +DOCTOR. Well, now that your education is completed, and you've come +home brimful of accomplishments, of course you'll go into society, +and, like other young ladies, pick up a husband? + +FANNY (_with affected indifference_). A husband? Not I, indeed! I've +never even thought of such a thing! (_Aside._) I had no idea I could +fib so well! (_Aloud._) No, doctor! I've too much regard for my own +tranquillity, my own peace of mind! + +DOCTOR. Hoity-toity! Who's been putting such nonsense into your head? + +FANNY. Why, you yourself never ventured on matrimony! + +DOCTOR. No! because I--I-- Heigh-ho! (_giving a loud sigh_). + +FANNY (_aside, and smiling_). The "tiny spark" is gradually getting +into a blaze! I did quite right in trying the effect of a little +"_blowing!_" (_Aloud._) Besides, I have come to the conclusion, from +considerable personal experience, that the male sex in general--I +mean, taken in a _lump_--is no better than it should be. + +DOCTOR (_laughing_). Indeed! + +FANNY. I'm sorry to say they're a false, fickle, perfidious _lot!_ +They gain a poor confiding woman's heart only to trifle with it and +trample on it! Poor dear mamma! I am no longer surprised at your +little fits of temper--at your discontent with everything and +everybody--now that I know the sad circumstances which blighted your +youth and cast a gloom over your after-life! (_with affected pathos_). + +DOCTOR (_aside_). What do I hear? (_Aloud, and anxiously._) Has your +mother, then, revealed? + +FANNY. No; but she might just as well, because I was sure to find it +out. + +DOCTOR. Find out _what?_ + +FANNY. A lot of things! Ah, doctor! if you had only heard her sigh as +I have! + +DOCTOR. Sigh? + +FANNY. Yes; but that's not all. Poor mamma! You'd hardly believe the +number of pearly drops I've seen fall from her poor eyes into her +teacup. + +DOCTOR. Pearly drops? + +FANNY. But _that's_ not all! (_In a very mysterious manner._) I once +heard her, when she little thought I was listening, say, in faltering +accents, "Ah! if he had really loved me, would he not have declared +his passion when I became a widow?" + +DOCTOR. Did she? (_Aside._) She loves me still! Dear Cleopatra! + +FANNY. Who can she mean? I should so like to know. Perhaps, doctor, +you'll help me to find out; but here she comes (_looking towards C. +DOCTOR gives a violent start_). Why, what's the matter? + +DOCTOR. Nothing; only a sort of a kind of a--of a--I scarcely know +whether I am standing on my head or my heels! + +FANNY. On your head, of course! + +DOCTOR. I thought so. + +MRS. P. (_heard without_). Joseph! Joseph! + +DOCTOR (_aside_). I can't meet her yet. The agitation--the +trepidation--the perturbation--the-- + +FANNY. Perhaps you'd better retire, doctor, (_aside_) or else he'll be +flopping down on his knees to mamma before I've prepared her for the +shock! + + _Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H., followed by JOSEPH._ + +MRS. P. Joseph, inform your master that I shall dine in my own +apartment. + + [_JOSEPH bows and goes out R. H. DOCTOR meets MRS. PELICAN as she + comes down--looks tenderly at her--clasps his hands, and gives a + deep sigh; then hurries up--stops again at C.--turns--gives her + another tender look--another deep sigh, and hurries out at C._ + +MRS. P. (_watching DOCTOR in astonishment_). Why, what's the matter +with the man? + +FANNY (_aside_). It's _your_ turn now, mamma! You wanted to get a +husband for _me;_ so as one good turn deserves another, I'll see if I +can't find one for _you!_ + +MRS. P. (_aside_). I must find out who this "girlish fancy" of hers +is. (_Aloud._) Come here, Fanny. Of course _your_ happiness is all I +desire! + +FANNY. And it's all _I_ desire too, mamma! + +MRS. P. Then have confidence in your mother--your _only_ mother! Tell +me the name of the young man who has won your affections. + +FANNY. You asked me if I had any one in my eye, and I said I _had,_ +but I didn't tell you he was a _young_ man. The fact is, mamma, I've +been so often told that I am so giddy, so thoughtless, so flighty, +that I selected some one of _maturer_ years; he would give me the +benefit of his experience--his advice--his--his-- + +MRS. P. Maturer years? + +FANNY. Yes! Besides, he has known me so long!--ever since I was a tiny +little mite. He used to dandle me on his knee, and buy me dolls and +toys and sweeties and hardbake and elecampane, and all that sort of +thing! + +MRS. P. (_aside_). Known her for years! (_Suddenly._) Mercy on us! can +she be alluding to "Vicessimus?" + +FANNY. But, ma dear, that which attracted more than all was the +respectful, I may say the _affectionate,_ terms in which he always +speaks of _you._ + +MRS. P. Does he? (_Aside._) Poor fluttering heart, be still! Dear +Vicessimus! He hain't, then, quite forgot his Cleopatra! (_Aloud._) +But is DOCTOR PRETTYWELL--for it surely must be _he_ to whom your +remarks apply-- + +FANNY. Yes, mamma. + +MRS. P. (_aside_). I thought so. (_Aloud._) Is he aware of your +somewhat foolish partiality? + +FANNY. I think so. He'll tell you why! Whenever he used to call, and +we happened to be sitting side by side--I mean you and I, mamma--I +noticed that he always kept his eye fixed on us, and it always made me +blush so. + +MRS. P. (_aside_). Poor simple child. She flatters herself that it was +on _her_ that Vicessimus's enamoured glances were riveted. + +FANNY. And don't you recollect the last time he took us to the +theatre, how attentive, how polite he was to you? + +MRS. P. Yes. I remember he brought me three oranges and an ounce of +acidulated drops into our box. + +FANNY. And if you only had heard him just now, when I told him how +shamefully you had been treated here! "What!" he exclaimed, turning +quite red in the face and tearing his hair out in handfuls. "What! +Dare to offer such an affront to so good, so amiable, so excellent a +woman--a woman born to command, born to be beloved!" + +MRS. P. Did he? + + _Enter JOSEPH at R. H._ + +JOSEPH. Please, ma'am--and wishes to know if you are disengaged? + +MRS. P. I'll come to him. (_Exit JOSEPH R. H._) How shall I meet him? +how conceal my feelings? Once more, poor little fluttering heart, be +still! (_Aside, and looking at FANNY_). Poor Fanny! I shall be sorry +to cut her out; but constancy like Vicessimus's deserves, and shall +have, its reward! + + [_Exit at R. H._ + +FANNY. There! I flatter myself I've managed that rather cleverly. I've +given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I've got mamma +a husband, and-- But stop a bit! who's to get one for _me?_ Oh dear, +dear! I haven't half done yet! + + _Enter MRS. MAJOR very hurriedly at C._ + +MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do? + +FANNY. Georgina dear, what's the matter? + +MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that +a person--I can't call him a gentleman--has been following me about +everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the +last month! + +FANNY. What a contrast to Augustus! + +MRS. MAJOR. And at last he has actually had the effrontery to write to +me. A groom called just now with a letter, and was in the act of +giving it to Mary, with strict injunctions to deliver it to me, and to +me only, when my husband suddenly appeared and snatched the letter out +of his hand. + +FANNY (_aside_). Something more for me to do! I shall never get my +work done here! + +MRS. MAJOR. He must have read the letter by this time! Oh, what, what +will he think of me? But here he comes! and what a dreadful temper he +looks in! + + _Enter MAJOR hurriedly at C., looking very wild and agitated, a + letter in his hand; comes forward._ + +MAJOR (_folding his arms and assuming a tragic attitude_). So, madam; +I repeat "So, madam!" You may tremble at the sight of your hitherto +too confiding but now indignant husband! + +MRS. MAJOR. But, Jeremiah dear-- + +MAJOR. Don't "Jeremiah dear" me! Are you aware, unhappy woman, that I +might give you in charge to the police? No, I don't mean that--that I +might insist on a separation? or call your ignoble accomplice out and +shoot him?--which I _would_ do, if I were sure he wouldn't shoot _me!_ +But no! I prefer to expose, to unmask you! + + _Enter MRS. PELICAN hastily at C., followed by DOCTOR_. + +MRS. P. What is all this disturbance about? What has happened? + +MAJOR. You've arrived just in time! I only wish the entire universe +were assembled in this breakfast-room to hear me! + +MRS. MAJOR (_shrugging her shoulders_). Pshaw! they could only laugh +at your absurd suspicions! + +MAJOR. Suspicions? Come, I like that, when I have the proofs--you +hear, madam, the proofs of your misconduct!--this letter, madam! this +letter! (_producing letter and flourishing it_). + +MRS. P. A letter! + +MAJOR. Yes! listen, and shudder! (_taking letter out of envelope, +which he lets fall on stage, then reading in an impressive tone_). +"Star of my life, idol of my heart!" That's pretty well to begin with! +(_Reading again._) "Ever since the God of Love first presented you to +my enraptured orbs!" (_Aside._) What does the fellow mean by "orbs?" +(_Reading again._) "I have loved you"--point of admiration; here it +is, there's no mistake about the point of admiration! (_showing letter +to MRS. P. and DOCTOR_). But that's not all! (_Reads again._) "In +order to bask in your divine presence, I am prepared to sweep every +obstacle from my path." There's a sanguinary ruffian! Of course _I_'m +one of the obstacles to be swept away! + +MRS. P. And how is the letter signed? + +MAJOR. There _is_ no signature! + +FANNY (_aside_). That's fortunate! (_picking up the envelope unseen +and putting it in her pocket_). + +MAJOR (_to MRS. MAJOR_). Now, madam, what have you to say? + +MRS. MAJOR. Simply this, that I am more than ever indignant at your +preposterous and odious suspicions. + +FANNY (_suddenly confronting MAJOR_). So am I! You ought to be ashamed +of yourself, Jeremiah! and so ought you, mamma, and so ought +everybody! And what's more, I'm determined that poor, dear, innocent +Georgina shall be no longer unjustly accused! + +MRS. P. } + } What's that? +MAJOR. } + +FANNY. I dare say I shall be scolded, but I'm used to that; in fact, I +rather like it; and after all it was sure to be found out sooner or +later; in a word--that letter-- + +MRS. P. Well? + +FANNY. Was intended for _me!_ + +MRS. MAJOR (_aside to her_). Fanny! + +FANNY (_aside to her_). Hush! I'm engaged in a little business of _my +own_ now! + +MRS. P. For you? + +FANNY. Yes! although I particularly told him not to write to me. + +MRS. P. Told him? Told _who?_ + +FANNY. Augustus! + +MRS. P. Who's Augustus? + +FANNY. _My_ Augustus, of course! + +MRS. MAJOR. I can confirm Fanny's words, having been in possession of +the whole particulars for the last hour. + +MAJOR. Have you? Then, perhaps, you can furnish us with Augustus's +other name--_if_ he's got one (_satirically_). + +MRS. MAJOR. Certainly--Noodle. + +FANNY (_very quickly_). No--Boodle! + +DOCTOR. Augustus Boodle? Let me see! of course! I first met him at +Cheltenham! + +FANNY. So did I. + +DOCTOR. He was only a lad then, and was going into the army--to +distinguish himself, as he said. + +FANNY. I can't say whether he did distinguish _himself,_ but I know +that he very soon distinguished _me!_ + +DOCTOR. The Boodles of Gloucestershire. There's not a more respected +family in the county! Come, my dear Mrs. Pelican, if you'll take my +advice, you'll not hesitate in accepting Augustus Noodle--I mean +Boodle--as a son-in-law! + +MRS. P. Well, I'll think the matter over, and then, perhaps, I may say +yes. + +FANNY (_coaxingly_). Suppose you say yes first, mamma, and think the +matter over afterwards? + +MRS. P. (_ironically_). But, Fanny, what about a certain party of +"_maturer years,_" on whose _experience_ you proposed to rely? + +FANNY. Let me ask you, mamma, would it have been dutiful in a daughter +to deprive her mother of the object of her early affection? + +MAJOR. What's that? "Early affection!"--"object!" + +MRS. P. Yes; there stands the object (_pointing to DOCTOR_). In a +word, I have been induced to accept the hand of Doctor Prettywell, +from his many amiable qualities and (_aside to DOCTOR_) his +_constancy._ Here, Vicessimus (_holding her hand out to him_). + +DOCTOR. Thanks, Cleopatra (_taking her hand and kissing it_). + +MAJOR (_very timidly to MRS. MAJOR_). Georgina, can you forgive your +Jeremiah? I don't know how I may _look,_ but you've no idea how +_small_ I feel. + +MRS. MAJOR. This once I do! but remember, this once _only._ There +(_giving her hand to MAJOR_). + +MAJOR. Then, in spite of all petty domestic discords, everybody is +happy at last. + +FANNY. Which only proves the truth of the old adage, that "After a +storm comes a calm." + + THE CURTAIN FALLS. + + + + +EXPRESS! + +_A Railway Romance, in One Compartment._ + +(_Adapted from the French._) + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +A LADY. + +A GENTLEMAN. + +A RAILWAY GUARD. + +[The action is supposed to take place in a first-class +railway-carriage, travelling on a certain line between a certain place +and another certain place.] + +SCENE.--_A plain interior, supposed to represent a compartment in a +first-class railway-carriage; door in flat at C.--the entrance--four +easy-chairs placed two and two opposite the others, representing the +seats--on the second chair at L. H. an open newspaper._ + +_The actor playing the part of the gentleman enters at door C. in +light overcoat, with travelling-bag, hat-box, and railway-rug over his +arm; he places the bag, hat-box, and rug on first chair, L. H., and +advances, cap in hand, and, after sundry bows, proceeds to explain the +scene to the audience._ Ladies and gentlemen: The little piece we are +about to present to you is supposed to take place in a first-class +compartment of a railway-carriage, travelling express +from--from--Plymouth to London; shall we say Plymouth to London?--very +well--Plymouth to London. You will also be good enough to see in the +humble individual who is now addressing you, a +deputy-assistant-deputy-inspector of Government prisons, returning +from an official visit to that well-known and, judging from the +constant stream of applications for admission, highly popular convict +establishment at--at--Dartmouth; shall we say Dartmouth?--be it so, +we'll say Dartmouth! Our first idea, in order to impart a greater +reality to the situation, was to place before you a regular train with +locomotive, etc., etc., all complete, and for this purpose we applied +to a certain railway company for the loan of one; but the secretary, +in reply, said that the only materials he could offer us were +cattle-trucks and coal-wagons, all the passenger rolling-stock being +in requisition, owing to the unusual number they had smashed up during +the year. He certainly offered us the use of an engine, but at the +same time candidly gave us to understand that it was a little bit +rusty, and wouldn't stand the slightest pressure; he further added +that if the knob of the steam-whistle _should_ happen to knock out the +front teeth of any of the audience, we were not to blame _him_ if we +had a few compensation actions to sustain!--and so on! Altogether the +alternative was so dismal that we decided on sacrificing a flaming +line in our play-bill about "flashing express," "real steam," "genuine +foot-warmers," which we had composed for the occasion, and to fall +back upon the best scene that our stage-carpenter and property-man +could prepare for us. + +We must, therefore, ask you to bring your imaginations to our aid, and +to fancy you see in that door and in these four easy-chairs the +interior of a first-class compartment of a railway-carriage, and to +imagine further that I have passed the night in one of them, and am at +the present moment still enjoying a profound sleep. + +And now, ladies and gentlemen, permit me to enter into my part, to +seat myself in the snuggest corner I can find, and to resume my +interrupted nap! (_makes a profound bow to audience, goes up stage, +and seats himself on the first chair, L. H.; puts on his +travelling-cap, wraps himself up in the railway-rug, after having +placed on the second chair, L., his travelling-bag, a railway guide, +and a paper-knife; he then yawns once or twice, then falls asleep, and +after a time snores gently. Loud noise of train arriving, with +steam-engine, railway-bell, and whistle, as the train is supposed to +arrive and gradually to stop_). + +GUARD (_heard without_). Reading! Change here for Guildford, Dorking, +Reigate, Redhill! + +VOICE (_without_). Guard, how long do we stop here? + +GUARD (_without_). Ten minutes, sir! (_Cries of "Reading; change +here," etc., etc., etc., repeated, and gradually diminishing, +accompanied by noise of slamming doors, etc._) + +GENTLEMAN (_starting from his sleep_). What's that? Who speaks of +stopping? I wonder what the time is? (_Looks at watch._) Seven +o'clock? (_Opens door and looks out._) Broad daylight, I declare +(_closing door again_); then I must have slept the best part of the +night! I don't even remember my travelling companion getting out; he +seems to have forgotten his newspaper (_taking up paper from chair_). +Not a very talkative fellow; in fact, he never opened his mouth, +except to put something into it--principally Abernethys and +peppermint-drops. By Jove, his _Daily News_ is full of crumbs and +caraways now!--a regular pantry! + +GUARD (_again heard without_). Reading! Ten minutes to stop! + +GENTLEMAN. Ten minutes to stop? Then I may as well get out and stretch +my legs a bit (_rises, puts railway-rug, guide, and travelling-bag on +his seat, and goes to door C.; then calls_). Guard, whereabouts is the +refreshment-bar? + +GUARD (_without_). This way, sir (_GENTLEMAN goes out at door C. +towards R. H.--short pause_). + + _The LADY looks in at C. and stops; then enters with two small + parcels and a bonnet-box._ + +LADY. Yes; all things considered, I decidedly prefer this carriage to +the ladies' compartment, where there's only room for one, and then +what should I do with my packages? Besides, ladies are not so +_remarkably_ agreeable among themselves; while here-- (_looking about +her_). Let me see, which corner shall I take? I think this will do +(_indicating the seat which the GENTLEMAN has just left_); one's face +to the engine, and not so likely to be troubled by people getting in +and out; yes, this will do very well indeed! (_during this she removes +the GENTLEMAN'S effects from first chair L. H. to the opposite chair +at R._) And after all, provided one has a _gentleman_ for a travelling +companion, a host of these little difficulties soon disappear! (_Seats +herself on first chair L. H._). There! I shall do very nicely +here--very nicely indeed! (_Here the GENTLEMAN appears outside at door +C._) Some one's coming! one of the opposite sex! I _hope_ a gentleman. +Suppose I pretend to be asleep? I will! I'll shut my eyes, and then I +shall be able to judge of his appearance! (_wraps herself up so as to +conceal her face, and pretends to be asleep_). + +GENTLEMAN (_entering at door and stamping his feet_). I feel all the +better! Thanks to a glass of sherry and half a dozen rapid turns up +and down the platform, the circulation is re-established; so now for +another dose of pins and needles. Holloa! what's this?--my seat taken, +and all my things bundled away anyhow on another seat! Well, of all +the cool proceedings-- (_To the LADY._) I beg pardon, madam, but-- +Asleep? Rather a sudden attack of drowsiness, considering she can't +have been here more than five minutes! However, she's a lady--at least +she looks like one, though she _is_ such a cool hand, and I can't be +so ungallant as to turn her out, especially as she looks so snug and +comfortable! I must take another corner! (_He seats himself on second +chair at L. H., partly turning his back to the LADY._) + +LADY (_aside and partly uncovering her face_). I knew these little +difficulties would soon arrange themselves! (_wraps herself up as +before_). + +GENTLEMAN (_fidgeting about in his seat_). I was much more comfortable +in my own seat. There was a nice hollow for one's back there; but here +there's a confounded lump that's positively painful! I must confess I +have found that women in general haven't the slightest hesitation in +taking advantage of one if they possibly can. Here's an instance; just +as I had got used to my seat, in comes one of the weaker sex and turns +me out bag and baggage! They know their power, and abuse it: too bad! +Now (_looking aside at LADY_) if my neighbor were but young--and +pretty into the bargain--but no; catch a woman wrapping herself up +like that when she _is_ young (_gaping_) and pretty! (_His head nods +once or twice, and he falls asleep._) + +GUARD (_without_). Take your seats! Any more going on? + +LADY (_cautiously peeping at GENTLEMAN, then uncovering, and aside_). +So it seems I shall have no other travelling companion but this +gentleman! (_Here loud railway-whistle heard, and noise of train +starting._) We're off. (_Looking at GENTLEMAN again._) I must say he +appears to be perfectly harmless and inoffensive. (_GENTLEMAN +snores._) What did he say? (_A louder snore from GENTLEMAN_). Well, if +that's a specimen of his conversation, it isn't likely to compromise +one! (_Another snore._) I may as well go to sleep myself, and then, +perhaps, I may be able to join in the _conversation_ too! (_Wraps +herself up, but this time allows her face to remain uncovered; closes +her eyes; pause._) + +GENTLEMAN (_suddenly waking and shifting his position_). Decidedly, of +all the uncomfortable seats this is the most uncomfortable. I _should_ +like to know what they stuff their cushions with; I feel as if I'd got +a quartern loaf at my back! (_Taking a rapid glance at LADY, then, in +a savage tone._) _She_ seems comfortable enough! How absurd--how +ridiculous of me not to have demanded--not to have in-sis-ted. +(_Looking again at LADY._) By Jove, she _is_ young! and by no means +bad-looking! Bad-looking! she's pretty--_very_ pretty--_excessively_ +pretty! and to think I should have actually gone to sleep in her +presence! One never knows what one does in one's sleep; luckily, I +never snore; that's one comfort! (_Takes off his travelling-cap, +arranges his hair, cravat, etc._) How soundly she sleeps--if she +_does_ sleep! (_in doubt_). When one is _really_ asleep--I mean _fast_ +asleep--it isn't usual to wear a smile on one's face; on the contrary, +one's face generally gets ugly! I'll be bound that just now I was +positively hideous! (_He coughs loudly, the LADY moves._) She wakes! +(_Suddenly and loudly._) What a beautiful country! what a lovely green +on those meadows! (_LADY keeps silence._) I'll try again! (_Still +louder._) How unusually beautiful are the autumn tints, especially so +early in the spring! (_Pause; aside._) No response? She must have +taken a sleeping draught! + +LADY (_pretending to wake_). A thousand pardons, sir; did you speak? + +GENTLEMAN. I was merely observing what a lovely meadow on those +greens! I mean (_another pause_) I hear the harvest is likely to be a +plentiful one, although I'm told that turnips are backward; I haven't +heard anything about carrots. + +LADY (_in an indifferent tone_). I beg pardon; were you speaking to +me? (_Aside._) Some gentleman farmer, evidently. + +GENTLEMAN (_nettled, and imitating her--aside_). "Were you speaking to +me?" I rather think I _was_ speaking to her! Holloa! she's off to +sleep again! No one can call _her_ particularly wide-awake. Well, +since she's off into land of dreams again, I don't see why I shouldn't +indulge in a cigarette (_takes out some cigarette papers, tobacco +pouch, spreads them on his knees and proceeds to make a cigarette; +then stops_). Stop, though! I can't smoke without first asking her +permission; of course not! (_Aloud, and coughing._) Ahem! (_Watching +her._) Sound as a top! Try again! (_Coughing louder._) Ahem! (_The +LADY opens her eyes and moves impatiently--aside._) That did it! + +GENTLEMAN (_apologetically_). My cough is rather troublesome, ma'am. + +LADY. I find it so--very! + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Well! that's about the rudest thing I've heard +for some time! (_Aloud._) I was about to ask you whether you object to +the smell of tobacco? + +LADY. Oh, not at all, sir! + +GENTLEMAN. Thank you! (_proceeds to make his cigarette, and about to +light it_). + +LADY. I mean, not till it's lighted! + +GENTLEMAN. Oh, I see; and then you do? + +LADY. Very much, indeed! + +GENTLEMAN. Even when you are asleep? (_in an insinuating tone_). + +LADY (_slowly and decisively_). Whether I am awake _or_ asleep, sir! + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Now that's what I call selfish--just as if the +smoke _could_ get up her nose when her eyes are shut! (_putting away +his smoking apparatus. Aside_). I must say I _have_ met more agreeable +young ladies--_very much_ more agreeable--in fact, I may say I never +remember meeting one _less_ agreeable. Well, I sha'n't disturb the +"Sleeping Beauty" again in a hurry. Now for another nap! (_sulkily +crams smoking apparatus into his pocket, draws his cap very much over +his head, stands up, folds himself up in his rug, and then flounces +down on his seat again, partially turning his back to the LADY_). + +LADY. (_slowly turning her head and taking a glance at GENTLEMAN_). +Well, I must confess he put away his smoking apparatus with a very +good grace! (_Sees newspaper._) Some one has left a newspaper! +(_Taking newspaper and reading._) Um, um! _Plymouth Gazette._ "Foreign +News," "Paris Fashions," "Early Strawberries." What's this? "Escape of +a convict. We learn that Benjamin Burkshaw, a criminal of the most +desperate character, effected his escape from Dartmoor prison +yesterday. The following is his description: Age, not exactly known; +eyes, nothing peculiar; wears a long black beard--has probably cut it +off; walks slightly lame with one leg, uncertain which; supposed to +have directed his steps towards London, or in some other direction." +Dear me! it is just possible he may be in this very train! (_looking +aside at the GENTLEMAN, then reading again_). "Middle height" +(_looking again at GENTLEMAN_); "inclined to be stout" (_another look +at GENTLEMAN_); he's so rolled up in his rug one can't judge! (_Reads +again._) "Slightly bald, with a scar on left side of forehead" (_here +the GENTLEMAN in his sleep hastily pulls his travelling-cap over his +forehead; the LADY gives a sudden start, and recoils as far as +possible from the GENTLEMAN_). How very suddenly he pulled his cap +over his forehead--and the left side of it too! Pshaw! how foolish, +how absurd of me! (_Reads paper again, and then closes her eyes once +more._) + +GENTLEMAN (_rousing himself_). It's no use! I can't get a wink of +sleep, except by fits and starts--principally starts! (_Looking at +LADY._) Still asleep! and no book to read except this "Illustrated +Guide through England and Wales." However, that's better than +"Bradshaw." (_During above he has taken a book out of his bag, and +cuts the leaves with a paper-knife; turns over leaves._) What's this? +(_Reads._) "Maidenhead. It was in the neighborhood of this picturesque +town that the famous Dick Turpin--" (_Here the LADY and GENTLEMAN are +suddenly thrown forward._) + +LADY (_alarmed_). What a shock! Has anything happened? + +GENTLEMAN (_indifferently_). Nothing of consequence! merely the train +passing over something--or somebody! + +LADY (_aside_). Rather an unfeeling remark! (_Aloud._) Can you tell me +where we are, sir? I am quite a stranger to this line. + +GENTLEMAN. We _should_ be near Slough. You may not be aware, madam, +that it was here that--(_taking a peep aside at his book_)--"that the +famous Dick Turpin"--you've heard of Dick Turpin, of course--the +celebrated highwayman? (_LADY shakes her head_). Well, it was here +that he was in the habit of spending his leisure hours--I mean when +he'd nothing better to do--in--in (_taking another peep at book_)--"in +planting potatoes!"--Poor Dick! my great-grandfather saw him hanged! + +LADY (_shocked_). Hanged? + +GENTLEMAN. Yes--I forget exactly what for--something about putting an +old lady on the kitchen fire! + +LADY (_indignantly_). Surely, never was a fate more richly deserved! + +GENTLEMAN. On the contrary, she was quite a respectable sort of old +body! + +LADY (_aloud, and in a satirical tone_). Thanks, sir, for your kind +and _interesting_ information! + +GENTLEMAN (_modestly_). Don't mention it, I beg! + +LADY (_aside_). A newspaper correspondent, perhaps! I prefer that to a +farmer! + +GENTLEMAN (_after a short pause_). I find the sun rather too warm on +this side of the carriage, madam--will it inconvenience you if I take +this seat? (_indicating first chair at R._). + +LADY. Not in the least! Indeed, I should have the less right to +object, as I am afraid I have appropriated _yours;_ and by far the +more comfortable one, I suspect! + +GENTLEMAN. You simply foresaw that I should offer it to you, madam! + +LADY. Oh, sir! (_bowing_). + +GENTLEMAN. Oh, madam! (_bowing; he removes things from where the LADY +had placed them, and seats himself opposite to her_). + +LADY (_aside_). Really a very pleasant, agreeable fellow! + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). Her full face is even better than her profile! +(_Aloud, and in a sentimental tone._) Ah, madam! would it were in my +power to prolong this pleasant journey--this delightful _tête-à-tête!_ + +LADY (_with dignity_). Sir! + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). That's no go! (_Aloud._) I mean, madam, that one +seems to travel _too_ fast nowadays! (_LADY expresses surprise._) In +fact, we're _all_ too fast! + +LADY (_severely_). Sir! + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). _That's_ no go! (_Aloud._) We've only to contrast +the present with the time when the wife of one of our ancient kings +traversed the whole of England by easy stages of five miles a day! + +LADY. Of whom do you speak? + +GENTLEMAN. Of--of-- (_Aside._) Hang me if I know! (_Aloud._) Of +Tabitha--I mean Elgitha, the wife of--Edmund--Sobersides--I should say +Ironsides! But without going quite so far back, madam, I confess I +often regret the days of those heavy old stage-coaches called +"High-flyers," "Eclipses," and "Rockets." + +LADY (_smiling_). Because they went so slowly? + +GENTLEMAN. Precisely. Still, it had its advantages--it gave one an +opportunity to make the acquaintance of one's travelling +companions--to establish a friendly feeling--perhaps one of a more +_tender_ nature! (_with a tender look at the LADY_). + +LADY (_with a stare of astonishment_). Sir! + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). It's no use. I won't try any more! (_Aloud, and +in a more colloquial tone._) Besides, in a stage-coach there was +always the chance of one of those little adventures that so often +happened on the road! + +LADY. You mean attacks by highwaymen, such as your _friend_ +Mr.--Turpin--who had a weakness for putting respectable old ladies on +the kitchen fire? (_smiling satirically--then, changing her tone_). I +remember myself a certain event which happened some five or six years +ago when we were travelling. + +GENTLEMAN. _We?_ You and your pa and ma, probably? + +LADY. My husband and I! + +GENTLEMAN. Husband? you are married, ma'am! actually, positively +married? + +LADY. Alas, sir! (_sighing_). + +GENTLEMAN (_aside_). I see! an unhappy union!--an ill-assorted +match--poor soul! (_Aloud._) Ah, madam, you are not the only one of +your too confiding sex who have found marriage a bed of roses--I mean, +of nettles, instead of one of nettles--I mean roses! + +LADY. But, sir--you mistake--alas, sir, I am a widow! + +GENTLEMAN. A widow? I'm delighted to hear it! No, I'm not! of course +not! I deeply sympathize with you--as I always do with widows--I know +what it is myself. But you mustn't give way--you'll get used to it in +time--like the eels--no, not like the eels--but you were about to +mention some adventure which happened to you while travelling +with--the late lamented. (_Noise heard of train gradually +stopping--engine, railway-bell, whistle, etc._) + +VOICE (_outside, gradually approaching_). "Slough! Slough! change for +Windsor; all tickets ready." + +GENTLEMAN (_angrily_). All tickets ready! these railway companies are +perfectly absurd, with their mania for examining tickets! (_feeling in +his pocket_). + +LADY (_smiling_). Another advantage of the good old coaching days! + +GENTLEMAN. Yes, quite so! (_feeling again in his pockets, one after +the other_). Ah! here it is--no, it isn't--how very odd; now I've got +it--no, I haven't! (_diving in his pockets again_). + +LADY. I'm afraid you've lost your ticket, sir. + +GENTLEMAN. Oh no! I haven't _lost_ it--only I can't find it! + +LADY. You may have dropped it? (_looking about on floor_). + +GENTLEMAN. Pray don't trouble yourself; I shall be sure to find +it--(_aside_) as soon as I've paid for another! (_Aloud._) I'll just +speak to the station-master. Excuse me a moment? (_LADY bows, +GENTLEMAN exit at C., and disappears towards L. H._) + +LADY. Poor fellow! no wonder he dislikes railways if he's in the habit +of losing his ticket every time he travels! + + _GUARD appears at door C._ + +GUARD (_to LADY_). Ticket, please, ma'am? (_Takes ticket, and returns +it to LADY._) Thank you, ma'am. (_Seeing the GENTLEMAN'S bag, etc., on +seat._) These things belong to you, ma'am? + +LADY. Oh no! + +GUARD. Has any one left this carriage? + +LADY. Yes! a gentleman--not a minute ago. + +GUARD (_sulkily_). How can I examine people's tickets when they get +out at every station? + +LADY. He fancies he has lost his ticket. + +GUARD (_suspiciously_). Lost his ticket?--what a pity! (_Aside._) +That's an old dodge! (_Aloud._) Is the gentleman one of your party, +ma'am? + +LADY. Oh dear no! only so far as we are journeying in the same +compartment. + +GUARD (_examining the GENTLEMAN'S bag_). No name on his +travelling-bag--that's queer! We're expected to keep both eyes open on +this line, ma'am--only yesterday we nabbed a desperate bank forger at +this very station; and we're on the lookout for an escaped convict +to-day! + +LADY (_aside_). An escaped convict? that dreadful Mr. Burkshaw, no +doubt? Not a very cheerful subject of conversation--I'm really getting +quite nervous! (_collecting her packages and rising_). + +GUARD. Going to get out, ma'am? + +LADY. Yes, I should prefer the ladies' compartment. + +GUARD. No room there, ma'am; eight of 'em already, besides babies! + +LADY. I may get into another carriage, I presume? + +GUARD. Certainly, ma'am. Good-day, ma'am (_goes out at door_). + +LADY. Stop! stop! Help me out! Guard! guard! (_calling_). + +GUARD (_outside_). Can't stop now, ma'am. Train just going on. + +LADY. This is really too bad! Can't even change carriages on this +line, which seems to be especially patronized by the criminal classes! +But pshaw! I'm alarming myself unnecessarily. Is it likely that this +gentleman--and he _is_ a gentleman--who seems to be on intimate terms +with the wife of Edmund Ironsides--can possibly have any connection +with-- How absurd of me! I really ought to be ashamed of myself. +(_Seeing the paper-knife which the GENTLEMAN has left on seat._) What +a strange-looking paper-knife--quite a formidable weapon! _Is_ it a +paper-knife? it looks more like a stiletto! (_Taking up paper-knife +very carefully between her finger and thumb, and then quickly dropping +it again_). Such an instrument as that was never made to cut _leaves!_ +It looks much adapted to-- (_Shuddering._) How ridiculous of me! My +silly fears are running away with me again. Ha, ha, ha! (_forcing a +laugh_). + +GUARD (_without_). Take your seats! + + _GENTLEMAN hurries in at C. The LADY suddenly stops laughing, and + gets as far as she can into her corner._ + +GENTLEMAN. I've found my ticket! I knew I should the moment I bought +another. (_Takes his seat. To the LADY_). Where do you suppose it +was?--you'll never guess. In my purse, where I always put my tickets! +Ha, ha, ha! + +LADY (_aside_). He _had_ a ticket, then? + +GENTLEMAN. It is very kind of you to interest yourself in the +misfortunes of a stranger (_bowing_). + +LADY. Is it not natural? + +GENTLEMAN. It seems to be so to _you,_ madam (_bowing again and moving +a little towards LADY, who retreats_). + +LADY (_aside_). If I could only induce him to remove his +travelling-cap--not that I should discover the slightest scar on _his_ +forehead--I should then be completely reassured. (_Suddenly._) Pardon +me--is not that a friend of yours bowing to you on the other platform? +(_indicating the audience_). + +GENTLEMAN. Bowing to me? where? (_putting his hand to his cap_). + +LADY (_pointing_). There! (_Aside._) Now for it! + +GENTLEMAN (_lowering his hand again without removing his cap_). No, +ma'am, I don't know him; besides, he's not bowing to me. + +LADY (_aside_). That's a failure! + +GENTLEMAN. Holloa! Somebody's been moving my things! + +LADY. Yes, the guard!--he seemed curious--I might say _anxious_--to +ascertain if your name was on your travelling-bag! + +GENTLEMAN. Very inquisitive of him! Why should I make my name public +property?--there may be reasons why I should _not!_--pressing reasons! +You can understand that, madam? + +LADY. Y--es! I'm afraid I can--I mean, of course I can! + +GENTLEMAN. But, as I was saying, the interest you have so kindly taken +in me--a perfect stranger-- + +LADY (_very quickly_). Not at all, sir; on the contrary! No--that is-- + +GENTLEMAN. Permit me to continue. That interest, I repeat, comes +naturally to _you,_ blessed, as I'm sure you are, with so sweet, so +gentle, so affectionate a disposition. + +LADY (_very quickly_). Quite the reverse, I assure you, sir--I've a +dreadful temper! + +GENTLEMAN. Again: that charming hand is not less characteristic; it +requires but one glance at those delicately tapered fingers-- (_About +to take her hand; LADY hastily withdraws it._) + +LADY (_aside_). I do believe the man's going to make love to me! + +GENTLEMAN. But stay: I see one line here that is singularly prominent; +permit me (_taking LADY'S hand_). + +LADY (_aside_). I'm quite at his mercy! Not the slightest use my +screaming! + +GENTLEMAN (_looking at her hand_). Yes, a very sudden intersection, +threatening, I fear, some personal danger. + +LADY (_alarmed_). Yes, very likely! (_Aside._) How intently he fixes +his eyes on my diamond ring! + +GENTLEMAN. But were you not saying that you had once been exposed to +some peril in travelling? + +LADY. Yes; but I was not _alone_ then. + +GENTLEMAN. The "late lamented," I presume? + +LADY. Yes; we were attacked by robbers in crossing the Pyrenees! +(_Very quickly._) Not that I particularly object to robbers! In fact, +I rather like them! (_Aside._) I may as well try what a little +flattery will do. + +GENTLEMAN (_still holding her hand_). You have a remarkably fine +diamond here, madam! + +LADY. Yes, a very good _imitation,_ isn't it? + +GENTLEMAN. Excuse me. I cannot mistake a diamond--no, no; I've had too +many pass through my hands to do that! + +LADY (_aside_). I'm afraid he has! + +GENTLEMAN. And yet there's a flaw in it--if you'll allow me, I'll +point it out to you. (_Looking about, then suddenly taking up the +paper-knife; the LADY screams._) I'm afraid I alarmed you! + +LADY (_trying to be calm_). Oh dear no! and if you've quite done +examining my hand-- + +GENTLEMAN. Quite, madam! (_releasing her hand_). + +LADY. And you detect no further threatening of--personal danger? + +GENTLEMAN. None whatever! + +LADY. Then you are a believer in spiritualism and phrenology, and all +that sort of thing? + +GENTLEMAN. Certainly I am! May I ask, madam, if you have ever examined +the head of a criminal? + +LADY (_shocked_). Never, sir! + +GENTLEMAN. Perhaps you have never even been brought into personal +contact with one? + +LADY. Certainly not, sir; though I'm sure I should feel the greatest +pity for him--I should, indeed! (_in a commiserating tone_). + +GENTLEMAN. Understand me; I don't allude to the _milder_ class of +criminals, such as thieves, robbers, forgers, burglars, and such like; +but one of those desperate fellows who--who--in fact, who _stick at +nothing!_ By-the-bye, I have a collection here of photographs of some +of our most notorious criminals, which I think would interest you. + +LADY (_shuddering_). Yes--intensely! + +GENTLEMAN (_opening his travelling-bag_). Ah! (_producing a revolver_) +there's rather a curious story connected with this revolver! + +LADY (_alarmed, and trying to look unconcerned_). Indeed? + +GENTLEMAN. I never travel without one--every chamber loaded and ready +for use, so that I have six lives at my disposal--a very comfortable +feeling to have! Don't you think so? + +LADY. Yes, very much so, indeed! + +GENTLEMAN. Here are the photographs (_producing packet_); here is one +of them (_about to show a portrait_). No, I make a mistake; this is +one of myself. + +LADY (_aghast_). Yours? + +GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Yes! this is the one! (_presenting a second +portrait_). You'll observe a remarkable protuberance of this part of +the skull (_pointing to it_); that's the organ of destructiveness. I +have it myself, only not _quite_ so strongly developed! (_touching his +head_); don't you perceive it? + +LADY. Yes--I--see! But I confess I cannot understand how _you_ happen +to be in possession of these _remarkably interesting_--works of art? + +GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). A very simple matter--my occupation +necessitates my associating with this particular class of "her +Majesty's subjects"--as I happen to be-- + +LADY (_quickly_). Hush! I know! You need not tell me! + +GENTLEMAN (_anxiously_). What is the matter? You are positively +trembling--with cold, no doubt! Allow me to wrap this rug round you. + +LADY. No, no! + +GENTLEMAN. Nay, I insist! (_placing his rug round LADY'S feet_). + +LADY. But you will feel the want of it yourself, especially as it +seems you have passed the night in the train! + +GENTLEMAN. Exactly! Six hours ago I was in Dartmoor Prison! + +LADY. Dartmoor! (_Aside._) He confesses it! + +GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). Not a very attractive residence. I would gladly +have left it before, but, unfortunately, I was detained! + +LADY. Detained! + +GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). I may say _chained_ to it--by my confounded +profession! + +LADY (_aside_). He calls it a _profession!_ + +GENTLEMAN. There's no saying how long the Home Secretary might have +kept me there; but I couldn't stand it any longer, so I managed to +make my escape, and now I'm free once more! + +LADY (_suddenly starting up with a scream_). Stop, sir! Don't say any +more! Have pity on me, for mercy's sake! (_falling on her knees and +clasping her hands_). + +GENTLEMAN (_astounded_). My dear madam-- + +LADY (_hysterically_). I know who you are; I know all about the scar +on your forehead! But I won't betray you--I won't, indeed! Here, take +my purse!--take my watch! (_thrusting the articles into the +GENTLEMAN'S hands_)--_all_ I have, good Mr. Burkshaw!--but spare my +life! + +GENTLEMAN. Your life? Mr. Burkshaw? What--what do you mean? + +LADY. Mercy! mercy! + +GENTLEMAN (_seriously_). My dear madam! Pray compose yourself! You +have evidently fallen into some strange error; in a word, I happen to +be-- + +LADY. Yes, yes! I know who you happen to be! Take my advice and jump +out of the train! + +GENTLEMAN (_astonished_). Jump out of the train? Madam, your strange +conduct compels me to be serious! In a word, I have the honor to be a +Government inspector of prisons! + +LADY. Eh? What? You--an inspector of prisons? + +GENTLEMAN. Yes, madam (_taking off his cap and bowing to LADY_). + +LADY (_eagerly looking at GENTLEMAN'S forehead_). And--you _haven't_ +got a scar on your forehead? Oh, sir! if you only knew how delighted I +am that you haven't got a scar on your forehead! + +GENTLEMAN (_bewildered_). A scar on my forehead? (_feeling his +forehead_). But may I ask what has suggested to you all these notions +about thieves and robbers? + +LADY. Why, you've been talking about nothing else for the last quarter +of an hour! + +GENTLEMAN (_smiling_). I beg your pardon. You certainly first began +the conversation about these--_gentlemen._ + +LADY. Because you said that you associated with them. + +GENTLEMAN. Naturally, as an inspector of prisons. + +LADY. Then those portraits--in your possession? + +GENTLEMAN. Were taken merely to forward the ends of justice! + +LADY (_with a sigh of relief_). I understand it all! I can laugh at my +folly now, which entirely arose from this silly newspaper +paragraph--the sole cause of all my absurd terror. + +GENTLEMAN. What newspaper paragraph? + +LADY. Read this, sir (_giving him newspaper_). + +GENTLEMAN (_looking at paper, and then giving way to a loud laugh_). +Ha, ha, ha! Why, my dear madam, this is quite an old story! Our +interesting friend, Mr. Burkshaw, happened to be shot in attempting +his escape from Dartmoor more than twelve months ago! (_Looking at +date of newspaper._) Of course, this paper is a year old--December, +1884! + +LADY. So it is! Oh, sir! what must you think of me? + +GENTLEMAN (_in a tender tone_). May I tell you? That you are the most +charming travelling companion-- (_Here noise of train stopping, +engine, railway-whistle, etc., heard._) + +VOICE (_outside_). Paddington! Paddington! (_LADY and GENTLEMAN both +rise._) + +GENTLEMAN (_gallantly_). I am staying some time in London, madam. Will +you permit me to call upon you, if only to remove from your mind any +lingering doubt as to my perfect identity? + +LADY. With pleasure, sir! (_Suddenly, and in a very gracious tone._) +Oh, sir! how _very_ good of you to be a Government inspector of +prisons! (_holding out her hand to GENTLEMAN, who takes it and raises +it to his lips_). + +VOICE (_again heard_). Paddington! (_The GENTLEMAN and LADY gather +their packages and bow to each other as the CURTAIN FALLS._) + + + + +TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH. + +_An Original Comedietta, in One Act._ + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +SIR FELIX FRITTERLY. + +ARTHUR VALLANCE. + +COLONEL COSEY. + +LADY FRITTERLY. + +MYRTLE VANE. + +SCENE.--Sir Felix Fritterly's Country-house. + +_A handsomely furnished apartment. Bay-window (practicable) with +curtains at R. U. E., conservatory C., doors R. and L., couch at R. +C., chairs, piano, etc. COLONEL discovered lying on couch, his +handkerchief over his head--ARTHUR VALLANCE in morning costume._ + +ARTH. (_looking at COLONEL_). Still asleep! And yet I must awake him +(_striking a very loud chord on the piano_). + +COL. (_pulling handkerchief off his head and sitting bolt upright on +couch_). Come in! (_Seeing ARTHUR._) Oh, it's you? For goodness' sake, +Arthur, don't make such an infernal noise! Do you want to dislocate +that implement of torture? + +ARTH. Don't you like it, uncle? I thought you were fond of music! + +COL. You don't call that music, do you? (_getting up from couch_). I +accept your friend Fritterly's invitation to his country-house for a +few weeks' quiet-- + +ARTH. Well, you've got it, haven't you? + +COL. Don't interrupt me (_snappishly_). + +ARTH. I was merely anticipating-- + +COL. Who the deuce wants you to anticipate! Take things as I do, and +wait till they come round! My idea of a quiet life is to get up at +eleven, when the world has been thoroughly aired by that beneficent +warming-pan, the sun; next, breakfast at twelve--twelve's a lovely +hour for breakfast--have the morning papers all to yourself, and +escape being dragged round the grounds like the rest of the +visitors--to see the early peas, and the asparagus beds, and spring +onions! + +ARTH. Ha! ha! Well, what next? + +COL. Breakfast over, a quiet nap; a bit of lunch at three; a heavenly +slumber till dinner-time at seven; a cup of coffee, a cigar, and to +bed at ten! That's my idea of a rational, peaceful existence! + +ARTH. You'd better by half shoulder your gun and have a pop at the +partridges! + +COL. Thankee--I never went out with a gun but once in my life, and +then I shot a couple of dogs and a game-keeper; so I gave it up; for +if I'd gone on as I began, dogs and game-keepers would have been at a +premium long before this! + +ARTH. Ah! it was a bad business for you, uncle, that you didn't take a +wife. + +COL. It would have been a precious deal worse for my wife if I had! + +ARTH. Well, every one to his taste. What you call existence _I_ call a +state of positive torpidity. It may suit _you;_ but at my age a man +hungers and thirsts after a little more excitement. + +COL. Then why the deuce don't you take it? Go out fishing--in the +duck-pond--or go and see the cows milked, or the pigs fed; or, better +still, here's no end of excitement for you under your very nose. + +ARTH. Where? + +COL. At that window (_pointing to window_); gardener always at work +rolling the lawn, or watering the flowers, or picking up worms, or +killing slugs, and without the slightest fatigue for you; all you have +to do is to settle yourself down at the window-- + +ARTH. Settle down, eh? My dear uncle, that's the very thing I want to +do! In a word, Myrtle Vane--Lady Fritterly's sister-- + +COL. Ugh! The old story over again, eh? Lady Fritterly's sister is a +niceish sort of girl-- + +ARTH. (_indignantly_). Niceish sort of girl! She's an angel! + +COL. Rubbish! Besides, as I said before, you're too young to marry +yet; wait another ten or fifteen years, and then begin to look about +you. You haven't popped to her, have you? + +ARTH. Popped? + +COL. Proposed! + +ARTH. No! + +COL. Then how do you know she'd have you? + +ARTH. Of course I don't _know;_ but I think she _might._ + +COL. There's a conceited young puppy for you! + +ARTH. (_coaxingly_). Especially if you'll encourage my +attentions--like my dear, kind old uncle! + +COL. Which your "dear, kind old uncle" doesn't intend to do. + +ARTH. You don't, eh? Very well, then listen to me! I shall do +something desperate! + +COL. Wait till I get out of the room! (_Feeling his pulse._) I thought +as much! Going like a windmill in a gale of wind! This excitement's +too much for me, I must take a sedative! (_takes pillbox out of his +pocket; opens it, and tosses two pills into his mouth one after the +other_). And now, young fellow, listen to me. If you are so anxious to +_settle,_ as you call it, better begin with your bootmaker! In a word, +you don't marry yet with my consent. Marry _without_ it, and I leave +every shilling I've got to--to the Society for the Suppression of +Virtue--I mean the Propagation of Vice--I don't know what I'm talking +about! (_swallows two more pills, and hurries out at R., slamming door +violently after him_). + +ARTH. Just as easy to argue him out of his prejudices as it would be +to make a Quaker kick his mother's-- Oh! here comes Myrtle! What a +contrast!--he all apathy--she all impetuosity! Of course I shall have +to give her an account of my morning's employment, as usual, which +consists of breakfast--three slices of toast, a rasher of bacon, a +couple of eggs, and a cup of coffee! and not a bad morning's work, +either! + + _Enter MYRTLE at C. in morning dress--a large garden hat and + gloves._ + +MYRT. Good-morning, Mr. Vallance! has nature no attractions for you, +that you remain in-doors such a lovely day as this? Following your +uncle's example, as usual, I presume? + +ARTH. On the contrary, I've been very hard at work, I assure you, +trying to reduce my uncle's bump of obstinacy. + +MYRT. But in vain?--the _protuberance_ defied your efforts. And has +that been your entire morning's work? + +ARTH. Physically, yes! Mentally, no! + +MYRT. The _physical_ we'll dismiss; the _mental_ consisting +of--reading the newspaper, eh? (_smiling_). + +ARTH. What can a man do such weather as this? It's too hot to walk, +too early for billiards--only fit for smoking. By-the-bye, I _did_ +manage to get as far as the stables, where I had a cigar. + +MYRT. And this is the new leaf you promised me you would turn over--a +tobacco-leaf! You are sadly deficient in energy, Mr. Vallance. + +ARTH. I confess it. But brought up as I was from my earliest infancy +under my uncle-- + +MYRT. (_smiling_). Under your uncle? + +ARTH. Yes--(_suddenly_)--no, of course not. I mean under his +_supervision_--how can I be otherwise than I am? He resents the +slightest approach to activity as a slur on himself; and the highest +compliment you can pay him is to yawn in his face (_checking a yawn +with difficulty_). + +MYRT. I beg pardon--I'm afraid I'm in the way. + +ARTH. Not at all! But why are you in such a hurry to go? + +MYRT. To allow you more leisure for (_imitating ARTHUR'S yawn_)--you +know! + +ARTH. Oh, Myrtle--do you object to my calling you Myrtle? + +MYRT. You should have asked that question before you _did._ + +ARTH. If my tongue has been silent, surely my eyes must have spoken +for me? + +MYRT. (_stiffly_). Mr. Vallance, you forget yourself! + +ARTH. Because I was thinking of you (_tenderly_). + +MYRT. (_aside_). This is getting too serious. (_Aloud._) But you +really must excuse me. I have my plants to attend to--a favorite +creeper especially that requires nailing up. + +ARTH. Let me go with you. I'll make myself so useful--you'll see how +hard I'll work. I'll hold the ladder for you, and hand you up the +hammer and tin-tacks! + +MYRT. What an exertion! And all for me! Ha! ha! ha! + +ARTH. (_annoyed_). I see how it is, madam; you've no feeling, or you +wouldn't treat me so cruelly, so capriciously! If you had the +slightest particle of regard for me, you'd let me hand you up the +hammer and tin-tacks! + +MYRT. You accuse _me_ of caprice! _you,_ who never knew what it is to +be in earnest! + +ARTH. I am so _now,_ I assure you. + +MYRT. Then listen to me, Arthur Vallance. Let me see that you possess +some energy, some enthusiasm, some strength of will, then I may, +perhaps, give you a better answer. Good-morning. + + [_Goes out at C. towards R._ + +ARTH. (_calling after_). Stop, Myrtle! _Do_ let me come and hand you +up the hammer and tin-tacks! So! I'm to do something energetic, am I? +Drown myself in the duck-pond? Yes!--no. I have it! I'll say good-by +to Fritterly, and cut this place at once! And then, Miss Vane, perhaps +you'll be sorry--perhaps you'll regret that you didn't let me hand you +up the hammer and tin-tacks! Let me see, there's an express to town at +three. (_Looking at his watch._) I can catch that. My traps can follow +(_hurrying up towards door L. H., and coming into collision with SIR +FELIX, who enters at the same time_). + +SIR F. Holloa, old fellow, where the deuce are you off to in such a +hurry? + +ARTH. Don't ask me--I'm going out of my mind! + +SIR F. The deuce you are! Well, if I may judge by appearances, it +won't take you very long to get to the end of _that_ journey! Confound +it, man, will you explain? + +ARTH. Well, you know the feelings I entertain towards Miss Vane? + +SIR F. Myrtle? Yes. + +ARTH. Well, you'll hardly believe it; but when I proposed to her just +now-- + +SIR F. You proposed to her? (_astonished_). + +ARTH. Yes--to hand her up the hammer and tin-tacks-- + +SIR F. (_astonished_). Hammer and tin-tacks? What the deuce are you +talking about? + +ARTH. (_helplessly_). I'm sure I don't know--yes, I do. She said that +when I showed a little energy--a little enthusiasm--a little something +else, she'd perhaps give me a better answer. + +SIR F. A better answer! What on earth can that mean? + +ARTH. I can't tell! (_Suddenly._) Yes, I can, of course! It can only +mean one thing (_enthusiastically_)--that she _will_ let me hand her +up the hammer-- + +SIR F. (_shouting_). Confound it, drop that hammer! You've been +hammering that hammer into my ears for the last ten minutes! Now! +(_turning VALLANCE round to him face to face_) speak like a man of +sense--if you've got any left in you! + +ARTH. Well, then, I ventured to speak to my uncle-- + +SIR F. Old Cosey? + +ARTH. Yes, old Cosey--about Myrtle, and he coolly told me I mustn't +think of getting married for the next ten or fifteen years! + +SIR F. Come, I like that! + +ARTH. Do you? It's more than I do--unless, he said, he saw some urgent +necessity for it; but that if I married without his consent he'd +disinherit me. + +SIR F. Is that all? + +ARTH. All! It strikes me as being quite enough. No, it isn't all--it's +only half, for Myrtle-- + +SIR F. (_cutting him short_). Never mind Myrtle; I know all about her. +She thinks you a bit of a milksop--s--so do I; that you've no +energy--not an atom! no will of your own--never had! and that in order +to reinstate yourself in her good opinion you must do something +_desperate!_ So you shall! Now what do you mean to do? + +ARTH. Show a proper spirit, and--run away! + +SIR F. Run away! Certainly not--fling yourself into my arms and I'll +pull you through! So cheer up! + +ARTH. It's very easy to say "cheer up" to a fellow who feels himself +between two stools, with the certainty of coming down a cropper! + +SIR F. But what's the use of giving you advice? You'd never follow it! +You haven't the pluck to do anything desperate! + +ARTH. I told uncle I would! But I'm not going to make away with myself +merely to prove that I'm a man of my word! + +SIR F. Pshaw! Now let's understand each other. Myrtle insists on your +giving her a convincing proof of energy--pluck--determination--and all +that sort of thing! You're not limited as to the direction they may +take? + +ARTH. Not at all! + +SIR F. Good--and your uncle refuses his consent to your marriage +unless he sees some urgent necessity for it? + +ARTH. Exactly! + +SIR F. Then the same medicine will do for both! Old Cosey has a great +regard for propriety and morality, and all that sort of thing--hasn't +he? + +ARTH. Intense! + +SIR F. Then we'll give him such a shock on that score, he'll think +that his opposition to your wishes has driven you frantic with +despair! + +ARTH. But Myrtle? + +SIR F. Has only to imagine there's a chance of your turning out a +"naughty, good-for-nothing reprobate," and she'll be only too glad to +reclaim her lost sheep at once! + +ARTH. What then? + +SIR F. Oh, then we must borrow a wrinkle from the French! As your +uncle won't hear of your taking a wife of your own, take somebody +else's!--no matter whose. Take _mine;_ she's the handiest! + +ARTH. Don't be absurd! + +SIR F. I'm perfectly serious! All your uncle wants is to snooze away +his existence. We must wake the old boy up!! + +ARTH. How? + +SIR F. By an elopement!! A _pretended_ one, of course, which you shall +propose to my wife, and _he_ shall overhear! + +ARTH. _I_ propose an elopement to Lady Fritterly? She'll be indignant! + +SIR F. How do you know that? She may feel flattered! At any rate I'll +take all the responsibility!--you may be as fascinating as you choose! +Ha! ha! + +ARTH. But, man alive, I'm not in the habit of running away with other +people's wives! I shouldn't know how to begin. Something in this +style?--"Please, ma'am, will you run away with me?" + +SIR F. Not half tender enough! (_Clasping his hands and with +exaggerated passion._) "Loveliest of women"--then down on your +knee--it don't matter which--both if you like. Then exclaim, "My +bosom's torn with conflicting emotions"--"my brain is in a whirlwind +of agony and despair"--tearing your hair out by handfuls all the time. +Don't forget _that!_ + +ARTH. Stop! Don't be in such a confounded hurry! Let me see! +"Loveliest of women," one! (_counting on his fingers_)--"conflicting +emotions," two!--"agony," three!--"despair," four! Can't you make it +five--one for each finger? + +SIR F. Five--the elopement!--_there_ you must come out a little +stronger--(_declaiming in exaggerated tone_)--"Let us fly, loved +one!--horses are in readiness to bear us to the nearest station, where +the flashing express shall whirl us to--to--" anywhere you +like--Madagascar--Seringapatam--Pegwell Bay--no matter! + +ARTH. Oh! that's the style, is it? By Jove, I've half a mind to chance +it! But when is this precious scheme of yours to come off? + +SIR F. At once! As soon as I can secure the presence of my wife, and +old Cosey as a listener!--he always takes a nap on this couch when the +coast is clear--(_turns the couch round with back to the audience_). +There!--now, you take a stroll in the grounds--I'll hide behind the +window-curtains and give you the signal to come in. Be off! (_pushing +him up stage_). + +ARTH. Wait a minute--(_counting on his fingers_)--"Loveliest of +women," "conflicting emotions," "agony," "paggony"--no, not "paggony," +"despair." Let me see, what's the little finger? + +SIR F. The elopement! + +ARTH. All right! + + [_Exit at C. towards R., counting his fingers._ + +SIR F. He's gone at last! I ought to have been born in an atmosphere +of diplomacy to develop my talent for intrigue! Ha, ha, ha! how this +"little game" of mine will astonish them! But they all want waking up +in this house! Cosey's an old hedgehog, all prickles and prejudices! +Arthur's--never mind what! Myrtle's a crab-apple--pleasant to look at, +but occasionally rather tart to the taste! (_here LADY FRITTERLY +enters at door L., unperceived by SIR FELIX_). As for my wife (_here +LADY F. stops and listens_), she's a charming woman; but she has one +fault, for which I'd gladly exchange a good many of her virtues--she's +so dreadfully proper! Shall I take her into my confidence? No! she +hates jokes--especially mine. How she will stare when Arthur opens his +_batteries!_--ha--ha!--run away with my wife!--the notion's too +absurd. + +LADY F. (_aside_). Indeed! So, so, husband of mine!--(_comes down and +taps SIR FELIX on the shoulder_). Felix! + +SIR F. (_turning_). Grace! (_Aside._) I wonder if she overheard! + +LADY F. You seem merry!--laughing at your own jokes? Quite right you +should, for nobody else does! + +SIR F. Thank you! (_Aside._) All right! she didn't hear anything. +Perhaps I'd better prepare her, just a little bit, or she might +petrify poor Arthur with one of her tragedy looks before he opens his +mouth, and then he'd take to his heels to a certainty! (_Aloud._) +By-the-bye, my dear Grace, have you noticed anything peculiar in young +Vallance's behavior lately? + +LADY F. No; he seems as apathetic as ever; he may, perhaps, have shown +a little more attention to me than usual (_with intention_). + +SIR F. (_aside_). The deuce he has! I wonder what she'll say presently +when he comes out with his "agony" and "despair?" (_Aloud._) I don't +mean his behavior to _you_--but to Myrtle! He's not half so spooney--I +mean attentive--as he used to be, and I fear there's a reason for it! +(_with significance_). + +LADY F. Indeed! + +SIR F. Yes! he _may_ be smitten with _somebody_ else! At _his_ age the +affections are fickle, volatile--skipping like a flea-- + +LADY F. Felix! + +SIR F. I mean _sipping like a bee_ from flower to flower! Myrtle is +young--very young; but even youth like hers _may_ become insipid! The +love of every precocious boy of fifteen is a woman of _thirty!_ I +began at twelve! + +LADY F. A woman of thirty--_my_ age! Understand, sir, that no woman +cares to be reminded of her age when she is turned thirty, any more +than that she wears false hair! Your remark, therefore, is scarcely +polite; but with your wife it appears you consider no such politeness +necessary! + +SIR F. Politeness! My dear Grace, what is politeness, after +all?--merely the gloss of society! I suppose you'll admit that the +shiny stuff they put on the top of the buns doesn't make them taste +any the sweeter? + +LADY F. Spare me your absurd similes, and don't mistake flippancy for +wit! + +SIR F. (_aside_). That's a dig in the ribs for me! (_Aloud._) But we +are wandering from our subject! Do you think Myrtle loves Vallance at +all? + +LADY F. I fancy she likes him well enough! + +SIR F. "Well enough" won't do! She must like him a _great deal_ +better--as I believe she would if we could only make her just a little +bit jealous! + +LADY F. Perhaps so--but how? My lady's-maid is no beauty! The +house-maid's no chicken! The cook's too fat! And there's no one else! + +SIR F. No, exactly! (_Here LADY FRITTERLY turns and goes up stage._) +Are you going out this morning? + +LADY F. Yes, unless you wish for the pleasure of my society here! + +SIR F. Well, it would be a novelty! + +LADY F. And you promise to spare me the infliction of those melancholy +exhibitions which you call jokes? + +SIR F. I'll be as dull as an undertaker! Suppose you put a few +stitches into that smoking-cap of mine, which has been your sole +occupation in needle-work for the last two years and a half! + +LADY F. Be it so! It's in my room--I'll fetch it! (_Aside as she goes +up stage._) So--so--he's evidently got some "little game" on +hand--which it will be my business to find out! (_Turning to SIR F._) +Ta! ta! + + [_Goes out at door L. H._ + +SIR F. Poor, unsuspecting innocent, it's too bad to take advantage of +her simplicity! Ah! here comes old Cosey for his forty winks--better +and better--but he mustn't see me! (_Hides behind window-curtain._) + + _Enter COLONEL at R.; looks round._ + +COL. Nobody here! got it all to myself! That's just what I like! I was +afraid of meeting Fritterly! He's a pleasant fellow enough in his way, +but I prefer being _out_ of his way! To be within the sound of his +voice is like living over a printing-office--one continual clatter! +Now, then, for a little solitary rumination!--there's nothing equals +it. Look at a cow--how she enjoys it! and isn't she the most peaceful +of all animals? Who ever heard of a cow in a passion? See the touching +resignation with which she allows herself to be milked! I wish Arthur +had more of that docile animal in his composition! he wouldn't talk of +doing something desperate! Now, then, for a delicious nap! (_Ties his +handkerchief over his head and lies down on couch, and no longer in +sight of audience._) + +SIR F. (_peeping from behind curtain_). Thank you, colonel, for your +flattering opinion of me; but I'll be even with you! I wonder if he's +asleep? (_advancing on tiptoe to couch_). Yes, sound as a top! Now, +then, to call in Arthur! Stop a bit! let me first perform the part of +the benevolent robin in the "Babes in the Wood," and cover this +"Sleeping Beauty" up! (_Carefully spreading several antimacassars over +COSEY._) There! now for Arthur! (_Runs to window and waves his hand._) +All right; he sees me! + + _Enter VALLANCE at C._ + +ARTH. Well, you still stick to your plan? + +SIR F. Like a horse-leech. My wife will be here directly! + +ARTH. But Uncle Cosey? + +SIR F. Comfortably tucked in there (_pointing to couch_), to be roused +from the land of dreams when the proper time arrives with this +implement (_taking a long feather brush_). Sure you've got your part +in this little domestic drama by heart? Rehearse! + +ARTH. "Loveliest of women," "emotions," "agony," "Seringapatam," +"despair," "Pegwell Bay"-- + +SIR F. Keep on going over it, like the multiplication-table; but hang +it, man, don't look as lively as if you were waiting in a dentist's +back parlor! (_Suddenly._) Here comes my wife! (_hurriedly hiding +behind curtains_). + + _Enter LADY FRITTERLY at L. H., carrying a smoking-cap._ + +LADY F. (_seeing VALLANCE_). Mr. Vallance? + +ARTH. Lady Fritterly! (_bowing_). + +LADY F. (_aside_). The ball is about to open! (_Aloud._) Won't you be +seated? (_seating herself at L., ARTHUR moving a chair to some +distance from LADY F., and seating himself_). A lovely morning, is it +not? (_beginning to work at the smoking-cap_). + +ARTH. Delicious! + +LADY F. Quite cool and pleasant! + +ARTH. (_aside_). I feel quite hot and _un_pleasant! + +LADY F. By-the-bye, do you know where my husband is? + +ARTH. (_fidgeting on his chair_). Not exactly; but I believe he's +somewhere or other, or if not there, somewhere else. + +SIR F. (_who has peeped out, listening_). Idiot! (_hiding again_). + +LADY F. (_observing the movement of the curtain. Aside_). He's there! +traitor! (_Aloud._) I'm sure I ought to feel deeply grateful to him +for leaving so agreeable a substitute. + +SIR F. (_listening_). That ought to encourage him! + +ARTH. (_aside_). It's time I began, if I'm going to begin at all! +(_Suddenly, and clasping his hands._) Oh, Lady Fritterly, pardon my +agitation; but agitated as I am with the agitations that agitate +me--the agony, the despair-- (_Aside._) I shall stick fast presently; +I know I shall! + +SIR F. (_listening_). That's better. + +ARTH. But say--say you forgive me! + +LADY F. Forgive you! for what? (_insinuatingly, and moving her chair +nearer to ARTHUR, who draws his back_). + +ARTH. For the confession which, alas! (_here a very deep sigh_) I am +about to make. + +LADY F. Continue, I beg! + +ARTH. Oh, madam, dear madam, dearest madam, if you only knew _all!_ + +LADY F. Hall? A gentleman of your acquaintance? + +ARTH. I didn't say _Hall,_ madam! Let me observe, Lady Fritterly, that +this is no subject for levity. + +LADY F. No one would imagine it was, from your countenance, Mr. +Vallance. Its solemnity is positively, painfully ludicrous! + +SIR F. (_listening_). Why the deuce don't he open his batteries? + +ARTH. (_seeing SIR FELIX, who is making energetic signs to him to +proceed with his love-making. Aside_). Well, since he will insist upon +it, here goes! (_Aloud, and in an ultra impassioned tone._) Loveliest +of women!--pardon the apparent insanity of the remark--I love you! +adore you! in fact, I rather like you! Behold me at your feet! +(_flopping down on one knee. Here SIR F. reaches over and tickles +COSEY with the feather brush, who starts up and shows his head above +the back of couch; then, seeing he is not alone, withdraws his head +again out of sight_). + +LADY F. (_with pretended emotion_). Love me, Mr. Vallance? (_Aside._) +So this is the "little game," is it? (_Aloud._) Well, is that all? + +ARTH. All? (_Aside_). And pretty well too, I think; what the deuce +_would_ she have? (_Aloud, and very enthusiastically._) No, madam, it +is _not_ all! I've only just begun! Oh, could you but know the +conflicting emotions, the agony, the despair-- (_counting on his +fingers. Aside._) I forgot the rest! (_Aloud._) Say, say that you love +me in return! (_seizing her hand_). + +LADY F. (_with pretended emotion_). Oh, Mr. Vallance, you're too +vehement; release my hand! + +ARTH. (_aside_). Release her hand! Come, I like that! I wish she'd let +go of _mine_ (_trying to disengage his hand, then catching another +glimpse of SIR F., who by signs encourages him to proceed. Aloud_). +Release this hand? Not till I've finished! Loved one! let us fly; +horses are waiting--flashing express--distant +clime--Seringapatam--Madagascar--the Sandwich Islands--anywhere. + +LADY F. (_with pretended emotion and an affecting faintness_). A +sudden faintness (_leaning against VALLANCE_); oh, support me! + +SIR F. (_looking out_). Holloa! holloa! + +LADY F. (_looking up in ARTHUR'S face, and with mock sentimentality_). +Oh! Arthur, Arthur! + +SIR F. (_behind_). Damn it, she calls him Arthur! + +ARTH. (_aside_). I've been getting on _too_ fast! + +LADY F. (_pathetically to VALLANCE_). Spare my blushes; I guess all +you would say. + +ARTH. (_aside_). Do you? That's lucky, for _I'm_ regularly stumped. + +LADY F. (_suddenly grasping VALLANCE by the wrist and dragging him +forward, almost upsetting him_). Listen! my husband is not unkind, +though he might be kinder; he is not ill-looking, indeed, he _might_ +be uglier; _but_ he has one terrible defect. (_SIR F. here leans +forward and listens._) He really flatters himself that he possesses a +fund of wit; that he is literally running over with fun; whereas the +poor man really doesn't possess a single particle of either. It's very +sad, isn't it? + +ARTH. Melancholy in the extreme. + +LADY F. And I'm sure, as for humor-- + +ARTH. He's just about as much in him as an old cab horse! (_FELIX +shakes his fist at VALLANCE._) + +LADY F. But alas! for every one of his dismal jokes that _you_ hear +_I_ am doomed to listen to a hundred! Is it to be wondered at, then, +that I should pant, _crave_ for a change?--(_gradually getting more +excited_)--that I should find the temptation you offer me too great to +resist? + +ARTH. (_aghast_). Eh! what? You don't mean to say you consent? + +LADY F. Of course I do! (_with enthusiasm_). What woman _could_ resist +the Sandwich Islands, and _you_ for a companion! In five minutes +expect me here on this spot. Give me but time to pack up my jewels, a +dozen or two dresses, and a sprinkling of hats, and I'll be with you, +my Arthur! (_Going--stops._) You won't mind my bringing my favorite +little pug-dog, of course you won't--(_going--stops again_)--and a +couple of kittens--a thousand thanks--and you won't object to putting +the parrot cage under your arm? I thought not. + + [_Runs hastily out at L. H._ + + (_During the above scene COSEY occasionally shows his head above + the back of the couch and withdraws it again._) + +ARTH. A parrot cage under my arm all the way to the Sandwich Islands! +(_Shouting after LADY F._) Stop! madam, Lady Fritterly, don't hurry +yourself; take your own time--one hour, two hours, six weeks, any time +you like. Wheugh! here's a pretty state of affairs; catch me running +off with another man's couple of kittens--I mean wives--no, _wife_ +again! (_thrusting both hands into his trousers-pockets and walking +violently to and fro, then flings himself into a chair at L. SIR FELIX +hurries down and drops into a chair at R. COLONEL rolls off the end of +couch enveloped in antimacassars, and seats himself in chair at C. All +pull out their white pocket-handkerchiefs, and indulge in extravagant +business, etc._). + +ARTH. (_not seeing them_). Poor Sir Felix!--a pretty kettle of fish +_he's_ made of it! I've been too fascinating! + +SIR F. (_coming hurriedly down_). Don't talk nonsense, sir! But of +course this is all a joke! Why don't you say it's all a joke? + +ARTH. It's anything but a joke for _me!_--all the way to the Sandwich +Isles with a parrot cage under my arm!--how would you like it? + +SIR F. Pshaw! you carried the thing too far, sir!--a devilish deal too +far! + +ARTH. Come, I like that! I only did what you told me!--except that I +didn't tear my hair out by handfuls! + +COL. (_counting his pulse_). A hundred and twenty at the very least! +(_tossing a couple of pills into his mouth--then to VALLANCE_). Now, +sir, what do you mean by making love to Lady Fritterly, and proposing +an elopement to her? It's scandalous, sir! + +ARTH. Not the slightest doubt about it, uncle! but I only did it to +oblige Sir Felix! + +COL. _Oblige_ Sir Felix by running off with his wife? + +ARTH. Yes! in order to show you what a _desperate_ dog I had become, +so that you might put me out of the way of temptation by consenting to +my marriage with Myrtle! But now--(_with a deep sigh_)--that's all +knocked on the head! + +SIR F. How so? + +ARTH. Because, my dear fellow, your wife having accepted, I am bound, +as a man of honor, to run away with her! + +COL. (_turning to SIR F._). Of course, as a man of honor, we're bound +to run away with her! + +ARTH. A lady--(_here COLONEL turns to him_)--for whom I entertain the +highest respect! + +COL. (_turning to SIR F._). A lady for whom we entertain the highest +respect! + +ARTH. But--(_here COLONEL turns again to him_)--for whom I don't care +two pins! + +COL. (_turning to SIR F._). But for whom we don't care two pins! + +SIR F. (_fiercely to COLONEL_). You needn't be insulting by +associating Lady Fritterly with that paltry amount of haberdashery! + +COL. (_feeling his pulse_). I shall be in a raging fever presently! +(_two more pills_). What's to be done? (_To VALLANCE._) Recollect +you've got to ascertain when the next train starts for the Sandwich +Islands! + +ARTH. Hang it, Sir Felix! can't you suggest something? I look to you, +with your extravagant devices, to extricate me! + +COL. (_to SIR F._). Yes, sir! We insist on your extricating us from +your extravagant devices! + +SIR F. Well, I confess I've made a slight mistake this time, but all +isn't lost. Lady Fritterly will be here directly, when I flatter +myself she'll hear something to _her_ advantage--(_looking off at C._) +Here comes Myrtle!--couldn't be better! Now then, hide +yourselves--both of you! + +ARTH. Certainly not! + +COL. Certainly not! + +ARTH. Another of your infernal schemes! If this fails, I really +_shall_ do something desperate! (_During this SIR FELIX has been +edging him up towards curtains, and at last pushes him behind them at +R._) + +COL. (_in a helpless tone_). My system won't survive this sort of +thing! I'm sure it won't. + +SIR F. (_hurrying down_). Now, colonel, on to your couch before Myrtle +sees you! (_edging him up towards couch_). + +COL. (_resisting_). But I don't want to go to sleep! I'm thoroughly +wide-awake. + +SIR F. Nonsense! (_forces COLONEL on couch, and heaping pillows over +him_). + +COL. (_showing his head_). Tuck me up if you like, but, confound it, +don't smother me! (_keeps rising, SIR FELIX pushing him down again at +each attempt_). + +ARTH. (_putting his head out from curtain_). Sir Felix! + +COL. (_showing his head above couch_). Sir Felix! (_SIR F. seizes the +nearest pillow and throws it at COLONEL'S head_). + +SIR F. Silence! both of you! + + _Enter MYRTLE at door L. H._ + +MYRT. (_laughing aside as she enters_). Ha! ha! poor Sir Felix! Grace +has told me all, and I am to humor the joke, while she watches the +result from the conservatory! + + (_During the following, until LADY F.'S entrance, the COLONEL + shows his head occasionally above the back of the couch, but + withdraws it again at a sign from SIR FELIX._) + +SIR F. (_aside_). Now for it--(_coming down--takes MYRTLE'S hand, and +in an exaggerated tone of grief_). Myrtle! Myrtle! in me you behold a +broken-hearted husband! + +MYRT. (_aside_). Very well acted, indeed! (_Aloud, and in a pretended +tone of commiseration_). Broken-hearted? + +SIR F. When I say "broken-hearted," I don't wish you to infer that the +centre of my organic functions is snapped in half like a stick of +firewood--far from it, Myrtle. But I'm broken-hearted for all that! + +MYRT. Absurd! while you have Grace and me to console you! + +SIR F. Grace no longer. She has deserted me, and for young Vallance! +(_falling into chair and burying his face in his hands_). + + _Here LADY F. appears at C., listening._ + +SIR F. (_peeping out at the corner of his handkerchief, and seeing +her. Aside_). She's there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Myrtle, I'm a wretched, +abandoned man! + +MYRT. You can't be serious? + +SIR F. It's too true! + +MYRT. What--what do you intend doing? + +SIR F. I did think of shooting the young man!--but it'll be a far +greater punishment to let him live! Think what the poor, unhappy youth +will have to suffer from Grace's "little bits of temper!" poor devil! +I know what _I_ had to go through. (_LADY F. shakes her hand at SIR +F._) + +MYRT. But surely you will try and prevent Grace's departure? + +SIR F. (_indifferently_). I think not!--better as it is. I'm getting +used to the idea! I confess it was I who advised Vallance to make just +a certain little amount of love to my wife in order to excite your +jealousy and show you what energy the young man was capable of; but I +must confess I was not at all prepared for the perfect torrent of +impassioned eloquence with which he poured forth his _unhallowed_ +flame! (_Here VALLANCE shakes both his fists at SIR F._) + +SIR F. Besides, Myrtle, _dear_ Myrtle, as you very sensibly observed +just now, shall I not have _you_ to console me? (_with an exaggerated +tender look_). + +MYRT. (_alarmed_). Me? + +SIR F. Why not? Your lover doesn't care a pin's point about you, or he +wouldn't have agreed to my plan. My wife has about the same amount of +affection for _me,_ or she'd have withered him up with her scorn at +the first go-off. This sort of thing! (_putting on a haughty and +scornful look_). + +MYRT. Well, what then? + +SIR F. Can you ask? Oh, my Myrtle! my beloved Myrtle--behold me at +your feet! (_falling on both his knees and seizing her hand. Aside._) +If Grace stands this, I'm a New Zealander! + +MYRT. Monster! (_flinging SIR FELIX from her, who falls on his face. +LADY FRITTERLY and VALLANCE hurry down_). + +LADY F. So, Sir Felix Fritterly! + +ARTH. So, Sir Felix Fritterly! + +SIR F. (_getting up quietly and dusting his knees with his +pocket-handkerchief. Then suddenly bursting out into a loud laugh_). +Ha, ha, ha! Surely, my dear Grace, you didn't really think I was in +earnest? + +LADY F. (_smiling_). As much in earnest, probably, as you thought me. +(_SIR FELIX takes her hand and kisses it._) + +ARTH. (_joyously to LADY F._). Then you don't love me after all? You +won't insist on my accompanying you to the Sandwich Islands? + +LADY F. (_drawing herself up_). Mr. Vallance! (_To SIR FELIX._) Well, +I confess you have the best of the game. + +SIR F. _And_ the last laugh! + +ARTH. Myrtle, have I fulfilled your conditions? have I shown some +little amount of energy? + +MYRT. Yes, with a vengeance! + +ARTH. And may I hope-- + +SIR F. Have him now, Myrtle, while you can get him! + +LADY F. Keep her to her promise, Mr. Vallance! + +ARTH. Gladly! But it all depends on my uncle how soon! + +SIR F. Then he shall decide at once! Turn out, old tortoise! (_Wheels +couch round to face the audience, and pulling off the antimacassars, +etc._) Hang me if he isn't fast asleep! Wake up! (_tickling COLONEL +with the feather brush_). + +COL. All right! Bring me my shaving-water! (_Sitting up, and looking +about him._) Holloa! + +ARTH. Have you forgotten all about the elopement, uncle? + +COL. Elopement! Why, you ought to have been half way to the Sandwich +Islands by this time! + +ARTH. Ha! ha! We've arranged that little matter differently. + +COL. (_crustily_). Then what the deuce did you wake me up for? + +SIR F. To let you go off to sleep again in a more comfortable frame of +mind. + +LADY F. Come, colonel! Arthur's desperately in love with Myrtle. + +SIR F. And Myrtle's over head and ears in love with-- + +MYRT. (_interrupting him_). Felix! + +SIR F. With herself! They only wait your benediction. + +COL. Bother the benediction! I'll settle a thousand a year on them! + +SIR F. (_shaking his hand_). The most sensible thing you've said for a +long time; and now you may go to sleep again as soon as you like. + +COL. Thank you! (_Feeling his pulse._) Ninety! That's better! + +SIR F. But a word at parting here! (_To audience._) How account for +our eccentric behavior? Shall we boldly forestall the critics and say +at once-- + +MYRT. Quite foreign in sentiment-- + +ARTH. Obviously borrowed from our lively neighbors-- + +COL. (_sententiously_). Possessing all their levity with regard to +those domestic ties-- + +LADY F. (_putting her hand over his mouth_). In short--Taken from the +French! + + CURTAIN FALLS. + + + + +DECLINED--WITH THANKS. + +_Original Farce, in One Act._ + + +DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. + +MR. GRITTY. + +CAPTAIN TAUNTON. + +EDWARD MALLINGFORD. + +MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF. + +SPRONKS'S BOY. + +FLORENCE HALLIDAY, } + } (GRITTY'S nieces.) +HETTY HALLIDAY. } + +SALLY, a servant. + +SCENE.--_Exterior of a villa on the banks of the Thames at +Teddington--house partly seen at L. H.--a low green railing round it, +in C. of which is a small garden gate--rustic seats, flower-beds, +etc., scattered about stage--garden wall at R. H.--door in C.--large +portable bell hanging over it--bell heard and seen to ring--noise of +voices in dispute heard outside._ + +SKRUFF (_without_). Don't tell me! I saw you do it! You needn't +apologize! What do you say--"You ain't a-going to?" Very well! +(_another violent ring at bell_). + + _Enter SALLY from house and crossing to R._ + +SALLY. Who can it be ringing in that style, I wonder? (_opens door in +C. of wall_). + + _SKRUFF enters hurriedly, holding his handkerchief to his face; + he wears a white hat, red scarf, white waistcoat, cutaway coat, + and very gay trousers; carries an umbrella._ + +SKRUFF (_walking up and down_). The young vagabond deliberately put +his toe on a loose stone and squirted half a pint of muddy water into +my eye! I saw him do it. He must be an old hand at it too, or he +wouldn't have taken such a good aim; but, luckily, I spied his name on +his basket, and if I don't spoil his trade for potatoes in this +establishment my name's not Skruff! (_Takes out a note-book and writes +in it "Spronks."_) There! and now, Spronks, my boy, look out for +squalls! Some people may like being insulted with impunity--I don't. + +SALLY (_who has been following SKRUFF to and fro the stage, at last +stops him by the coat-tail_). Now, then! what's your business, young +man? + +SKRUFF. "Young man!" + +SALLY. If you've come for the water-rate--or the gas--or the +sewers--you must call again! + +SKRUFF. Water-rate! Gas! Are you aware, young woman, that you're +addressing a gentleman? + +SALLY. You don't mean it? Well, that's about the last thing I should +have thought of! It only shows one mustn't always judge by +appearances. + +SKRUFF (_with importance_). I happen to be a friend of your master's. + +SALLY. Well, I _am_ surprised--'cause master's so very +particular--then how came you to ring the servants' bell? + +SKRUFF (_aside_). I never _shall_ get out of that habit--been used to +it so long, I suppose. (_Aloud._) Is Mr. Gritty down? + +SALLY. Can't say, I'm sure, sir--but I know he ain't up. + +SKRUFF. Oh! at what time does he usually get up? + +SALLY. Well, sir, that depends; but, as a rule, I've observed he +usually gets up about his usual time. + +SKRUFF. Does he indeed? (_Aside._) There's a flippancy about this +young woman I don't like. (_Aloud._) Perhaps the young ladies, Mr. +Gritty's nieces, are down? + +SALLY. Can't say positively, sir--but I know they ain't up. + +SKRUFF (_aside_). I shall not interrogate this domestic any further. +(_Aloud._) Will you inform Mr. Gritty, with my compliments, that I +have called to see him? + +SALLY. Certainly, sir--but-- + +SKRUFF (_impressively_). I repeat, Will you inform Mr. Gritty that I +have called? Do you think you can manage that? + +SALLY. Well, sir, don't you think it would be as well just to mention +the name? Do you think you can manage that? Shall I take your card, +sir? + +SKRUFF. Yes! (_taking out card-case_). No! (_Aside._) Cards cost a +shilling a hundred. Why should I waste one on people I've hardly ever +seen. (_Aloud._) You can say--"Mr. Samuel Skruff." Do you think you +can remember that? + +SALLY. "Skruff!" Not likely to forget it, sir--such an aristocratic +name. (_Bringing forward a three-legged rustic seat._) Like to sit +down, sir? + +GRITTY (_heard from house at L._). Sally! My shaving water!--hot! all +hot! + +SALLY. Coming, sir! + + [_Runs into house L._ + +SKRUFF. Her name's Sally, is it? (_writing in note-book_). Down goes +Sally along-side of Spronks. (_Seats himself and almost tumbles +over._) What the deuce does old Gritty mean by having such rickety +things as this about the premises?--to do a good turn to the +wooden-leg makers, I suppose! (_Sitting down very cautiously._) Now +let me see what I've come down here for (_consults note-book_). Here +we have it! (_Reads._) "Florence Halliday," "Hetty Halliday"--old +Gritty's two nieces. The fact is, dad wants to see me settled; that +is, if I can make a good thing out of it! Well, he's just heard on the +extreme quiet that one of the young ladies is very soon coming in for +£10,000!--unluckily he doesn't know which of the two--so, on the +strength of a former business acquaintance with old Gritty, he has +trotted me down here to ferret the secret out, and if I get hold of +the right scent I am to go the entire animal at once!--not likely I +should waste any time about courtship and all that sort of thing. Not +I! Only let me worm out which of the two has got the tin, and I'll +marry her to-morrow morning!--I can't say fairer than that! (_Looking +about him._) Rather a niceish sort of place this! must have cost +something! I hope old Gritty can afford it. Father says he was always +fond of squandering his money and doing good. Doing good!--what is it, +after all?--getting up a vainglorious reputation at the expense of +people who stick to their money! + +GRITTY (_without, at L._). In the garden, is he? All right! I'll find +him! + + _Enter GRITTY from villa L. H._ + +GRITTY. Where is he? (_he is in his morning-gown, and wears a +wide-brimmed straw hat--sees SKRUFF_). Ah! my dear Samuel--(_seizing +and shaking SKRUFF'S hand violently_)--delighted to see you, +Samuel--for I suppose you are Samuel--eh, Samuel? And how's your +father, Samuel? + +SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty. + +GRITTY. And your mother, too, Samuel? + +SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty. + +GRITTY. And your sisters--and your uncles--and your aunts--and all the +rest of 'em--eh, Samuel? + +SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty. + +GRITTY. Bless me, what a time it is since I've seen any of you--and to +think that your father and I were partners when you were a baby--and a +precious ugly little brat you were! I don't see much alteration in you +_now,_ Samuel--I mean, not for the better. Yes, "Gritty & Skruff," +that was the name of the firm--"tailors"--"Conduit Street"--and a +capital business it was, too--and is so still, I hope. + +SKRUFF. Yes; better than ever. Father's made heaps more money since +you retired! Trade's altered completely! + +GRITTY. Has it? When I was in it we gave a first-rate article, paid +good wages, and were satisfied with a fair profit. + +SKRUFF. We manage matters better than that _now!_ + +GRITTY. How so? + +SKRUFF. By adding the profit on to both ends. Putting down the wages +and putting up the prices. + +GRITTY. Well, well, every one to his taste! Your father chose London +smoke and slaving on to amass a fortune. _I_ preferred fresh air and a +moderate competence, and so we parted. You'll stay and dine with us +to-day, of course? + +SKRUFF. Thank you, Mr. Gritty. (_Aside_). I put a paper of sandwiches +in my pocket. Never mind, they'll keep a day or two. + +GRITTY. And after dinner you can tell me to what I'm indebted for the +pleasure of this visit. (_Suddenly_). By-the-bye, you'll have a glass +of wine? Of course you will! (_Calling._) Sally! bring in that +decanter of port out of the sideboard! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). What extravagance! + +GRITTY. Ha! ha! I remember I never could get your father to drink +anything stronger than raspberry vinegar drowned in water--and what a +wretched looking object he was!--the color of gingerbread and as thin +as a pair of nut-crackers! Do you know, Samuel, the more I look at you +the more you remind me of him? + + _Enter SALLY from house with decanter and wine-glasses on a tray, + which she places on a small table in C.--GRITTY sits L. and + SKRUFF R. Exit SALLY into house._ + +GRITTY (_pouring out a glass of wine_). There, Samuel--tell me what +you think of that (_SKRUFF sips the wine_). Zounds, man, it won't hurt +you, down with it! (_SKRUFF takes down the wine at a gulp, almost +choking himself._) + +GRITTY (_after tossing off his glass of wine_). How the deuce is it +that my old friend Skruff hasn't found his way down to see me all +these years? + +SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, Mr. Gritty, my father has often talked of +paying you a visit-- Thank you, I don't mind taking just one more +glass (_holding out his glass to GRITTY, who fills it--SKRUFF tosses +it down._) Let me see--I was saying-- + +GRITTY. That your father has often talked of paying me a visit. + +SKRUFF. Exactly--but the fact is-- Well, since you insist upon it, I +don't mind just _half_ a glass more (_holding out his glass--GRITTY +fills it half full._) + +GRITTY. I think you said _half_ a glass? + +SKRUFF. Did I?--far be it from me to contradict you, but--(_GRITTY +laughs and fills up SKRUFF'S glass, which SKRUFF again tosses off._) + +GRITTY. Now you haven't told me why my old friend hasn't been down to +see me all these years. + +SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, it's such an awful expense to get down +here! + +GRITTY. What! from Putney to Teddington--eighteenpence second-class +return? Surely that wouldn't have ruined him! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). If ever old Gritty becomes my uncle-in-law, I shall +have to put a stop to all these extravagant notions of his. + +GRITTY. Well, it seems _you_ didn't grudge the expense. + +SKRUFF. Not a bit of it, because I didn't go to it! I got a lift in +our butcher's cart to Richmond--then on to Twickenham with a +benevolent baker, and walked the rest. + +GRITTY (_aside_). A careful young man this! but I'm afraid my old +friend has made a trifling mistake in his calculations. He used to say +it was time enough to make a gentleman when you'd made your money--but +in my opinion, a man can't begin a bit too soon! (_Aloud._) Now, +Sammy, come and take a stroll round the grounds, and I'll introduce +you to my nieces, a couple of nice girls, Sammy! I hope you're a +lady's man (_poking him in the ribs_), ha! ha! + +SKRUFF. Well, as a _rule,_ the sex _is_ rather partial to me!--ha! ha! +(_giving GRITTY a poke in the ribs_). + +GRITTY. Is it? Well, there's no accounting for taste! + +SKRUFF. You see, father's well off--and the pickings 'll be uncommon +good when the old boy pops off!--a great attraction to the female +mind, Mr. Gritty! + +GRITTY. I dare say; but luckily, my girls will not have to look to +_money_ as the main thing! (_Looking round, and then in a confidential +whisper to SKRUFF._) Ten thousand pounds, left by a rich old aunt! +which may probably fall to-- + +SKRUFF (_very eagerly_). Yes! to--to-- + +GRITTY (_in a whisper_). Florence! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Oh! that's the one, is it? (_Writing aside in +note-book._) Then down she goes, "Sally! Spronks! Florence!" + +GRITTY (_continuing_). Unless, indeed-- + +SKRUFF (_quickly_). Unless, indeed, what? + +GRITTY. Hetty should turn out to be the lucky one! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Who's to make head or tail out of this? (_Aloud._) +Then you don't exactly know which of the two it is? + +GRITTY. No, but I _shall,_ as soon as Hetty comes of age, by which +time, by-the-bye, both the girls must, according to the terms of the +will, be married. + +SKRUFF. Oh! (_Aside._) It strikes me this is a dodge to get the two +girls off with one legacy! (_Aloud._) And when _does_ Miss Hetty come +of age? + +GRITTY. In ten days. + +SKRUFF. Ten days? Rather a short time to provide two husbands in? + +GRITTY. Not at all! They're already provided!--both of 'em! + +SKRUFF. Already provided! (_Aside._) And this is what I get for coming +down here and wasting my income in travelling expenses! but I'll make +a fight of it yet! If they think they're going to walk over the course +they'll find themselves mistaken! (_Aloud._) And what sort of articles +are these young chaps, eh? You can't be too particular in selecting +the _pattern,_ Mr. Gritty. + +GRITTY. Oh, they're all right!--nice gentlemanly young fellows! + +SKRUFF. Take care, Mr. Gritty!--I know pretty well what the general +run of "gentlemanly young fellows" is!--they're uncommon fond of +running long tailors' bills! + +GRITTY. Well, you shall judge for yourself--they both dine here +to-day! + +SKRUFF. To-day? (_Aside._) Then I haven't much time to lose if I'm to +cut 'em out! (_Aloud._) You haven't told me their names. + +GRITTY. Oh! one is a military man, Captain Taunton of the Buffs--the +other, Edward Mallingford, of the War Office! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Don't remember either of their names--but they're +sure to be in debt somewhere or other--if I only had time to find out +_where!_ (_Aloud._) And pray, which is which destined for, Mr. Gritty? +(_Aside._) It's important for me to know that! (_taking out his +pocket-book on the sly_). + +GRITTY. Oh, there's no secret about it--Florence is engaged to-- +(_Seeing FLORENCE, who enters from house._) Oh! here she comes! And +Hetty is going to marry--and here _she_ comes (_seeing HETTY, who +follows FLORENCE from house_). + +GRITTY. Come here, my dears! (_FLORENCE and HETTY come down_). The son +of my old partner, Mr. Samuel Skruff. (_Introducing._) Mr. Samuel +Skruff--my nieces--Miss Florence Halliday, Miss Hetty Halliday. +(_FLORENCE and HETTY courtesy._) + +SKRUFF (_bowing_). Firm of Skruff & Son, Miss Florence! first-rate +business, Miss Hetty! (_To FLORENCE._) Our 13_s._ trousers is a +fortune in itself! (_To HETTY._) And as to our everlasting wear +fabric, which we advertise so extensively, it is simply all plunder! +(_following HETTY and addressing her apart with much gesticulation, +while FLORENCE comes down to GRITTY_). + +FLOR. Oh! uncle, dear! why do you ask your dreadful tailoring +acquaintances here? Do try and get rid of this vulgar little man +before Captain Taunton comes, or he'll think he's a relation! + + [_Retires up._ + +SKRUFF (_aside_). I'm getting on first-rate (_joining FLORENCE, while +HETTY comes down_). + +HETTY (_to GRITTY_). If this odious creature Skruff stays, you really +must let him have his dinner in the kitchen. I dare say he's used to +it, Edward would be perfectly horrified at his vulgarity. + +GRITTY. Can't do that, my dear, but I'll relieve you of his presence +as much as I can! (_To SKRUFF._) Now, Samuel, as you've made the +acquaintance of the ladies, suppose we take a turn round the garden! +(_taking SKRUFF'S arm_). + +FLOR. By all means, Mr. Skruff; there's such a beautiful view of the +river from the lawn, Mr. Skruff! + +HETTY. And we've such a nice boat, Mr. Skruff! + +FLOR. You can paddle yourself about in it for hours, Mr. Skruff! + +HETTY. Yes, the longer the better, Mr. Skruff! + +GRITTY. Come along, Sammy! (_twisting SKRUFF round--SKRUFF +resisting_). + +HETTY. Good-bye, Mr. Skruff! + +FLOR. Ta, ta, Mr. Skruff! (_GRITTY drags SKRUFF off, struggling at +R._) + +FLOR. Well, Hetty? + +HETTY. Well, Florence? + +FLOR. Were you ever introduced to such an objectionable individual +before? + +HETTY. Never! and the creature evidently shows symptoms of falling in +love. + +FLOR. With me? + +HETTY. With you? Don't flatter yourself! with _me!_ He was on the +point of saying something very tender to me when you jealously +monopolized his attention! + +FLOR. Nonsense! I'm sure he was about to declare his passion for me +when you cruelly dragged him away! + +HETTY. Then it's quite clear he means to marry one of us! If he honors +_me_ with the preference, I must refer him to Mallingford, ha! ha! + +FLOR. And if he pops to _me,_ he'll have to settle the matter with +Captain Taunton, ha! ha! ha! + + _Here CAPTAIN TAUNTON'S head appears above the wall at R._ + +TAUNT. Good-morning, ladies! Will you open the door or shall I storm +the fortress? (_HETTY runs and opens door R.; TAUNTON enters_). Now, +ladies, may I ask the cause of all this merriment, and whether there +is any objection to my sharing in the joke? + +FLOR. None at all, Harry; it simply means that Hetty is likely to +become "Mrs. Samuel Skruff" _vice_ "Edward Mallingford," cashiered. + +HETTY. Don't be quite so positive, because it isn't _quite_ decided +yet whether it will not be "Samuel Skruff" _vice_ "Henry Taunton." +He's a tailor, and a capital hand at cutting out. + +TAUNT. A very bad joke that (_they all laugh_); but of course you +can't be serious? + +HETTY. That will entirely depend, most gallant captain, on whether you +are prepared to resign your pretensions! Your rival is a regular +fire-eater, I can assure you. + +TAUNT. And consequently one who would stand any amount of--kicking, +eh? + +FLOR. Ha! ha! But don't you think it's high time we dropped the +tailor? + +TAUNT. Certainly! + +HETTY. Carried _nem. con._--"of Samuel Skruff we've had enough." + +FLOR. But tell me, Harry, have you arranged for the payment of the +thousand pounds? + +TAUNT. Yes! and upon the most favorable terms. + +FLOR. Then, not a single word to uncle on the subject until we give +you permission. Remember that! + +HETTY. Well, I must run away. You'll have some little compassion on +poor Mr. Skruff, won't you, Florence? ha! ha! ha! + + [_Exit laughing into house L. H._ + +TAUNT. Now, perhaps you'll enlighten me! Who the deuce is Skruff? +Explain this Skruff. + +FLOR. All I know of the interesting object of your inquiry is that he +is the son of an old friend of my uncle's; that the object of his +visit here is to make a conquest, on the shortest possible notice, +either of Hetty or your humble servant! + +TAUNT. (_savagely_). Let Skruff beware how he poaches on my manor! + +GRITTY (_heard without_). Now then, Florry, Hetty, where the deuce are +you? + +FLOR. There's uncle calling; come along, Harry, I know how anxious you +must be to make Mr. Skruff's acquaintance--ha! ha! + + [_Exeunt FLORENCE and TAUNTON at back R._ + + _Enter SKRUFF hurriedly at back from L._ + +SKRUFF. Confound old Gritty! Wouldn't let me go till he'd dragged me +through several acres of lettuces and spring onions; consequently the +girls have vanished and I've lost my chance. Wish to goodness I knew +which of the two was to have the money (_bell rings_). + +SKRUFF (_opening gate R. and seeing SPRONKS'S boy with basket on his +arm_). The youthful Spronks again. Come in! + +SPRONKS (_entering, then giving the basket to SKRUFF_). Them's the +taters and them's the ignuns! + +SKRUFF. Of course; do you suppose I don't know a tater from an ignun? +(_Aside._) I'll see if I can't pump a little information out of +Spronks! (_Aloud._) Been long in the neighborhood, Spronks? + +SPRONKS. Ever since I've been in it, sir! + +SKRUFF. Have you indeed?--then of course you know something about Mr. +Gritty, eh? + +SPRONKS. I know he's a downright trump, and has always got a shilling +to spare for them as wants it!--_I_ wants one dreadful bad just now! +(_going--stops_). Now don't you go and forget--them's the +taters--(_going_). + +SKRUFF. Stop a minute!--there's--twopence for you! (_giving money to +SPRONKS'S boy, who turns to go_). Don't be in such a hurry. +(_Confidentially._) I dare say you hear a good deal of tattle from the +servants, eh? (_patting boy familiarly on the back_)--here's another +twopence for you!--now about the money that's coming to the young +ladies--do you happen to have heard which of the two is likely to have +it? + +SPRONKS (_looking round mysteriously_). Well! I don't mind telling you +all I know! + +SKRUFF. That's right--here's another twopence for you! Now then +(_taking out his note-book_). + +SPRONKS. Well, sir--I've been making no end of inquiries about it from +servants and tradespeople, and at last I've found out-- + +SKRUFF (_eagerly_). Yes! yes! + +SPRONKS. That I know just as much about it now as before I began--ha! +ha! ha! (_runs up to gate--stops_). Don't go and forget which is the +taters! + + [_Runs out._ + +SKRUFF. That boy will end his days in penal servitude! + + _Enter SALLY from house._ + +SALLY. How late that boy is with the vegetables! + +SKRUFF. Here they are, Sally--I took 'em in! (_giving SALLY the +basket_)--them's the taters! + +SALLY. Thank'ee sir (_going_). + +SKRUFF. Stop a minute, Sally! Do you know, I've taken quite a fancy to +give you a shilling? (_SALLY hurries back_). (_Aside._) That eagerness +to collar the shilling convinces me that sixpence would have been +enough! (_Aloud._) Been long in the Gritty family, Sally? + +SALLY. Ever since I first came, sir--not before. + +SKRUFF. That's a remarkable fact!--find yourself comfortable here, eh, +Sally? + +SALLY. Nothing much to complain of, sir; twelve pounds a year, +everything found--except beer--and every other Sunday! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Except beer and every other Sunday! (_Aloud._) And +your young ladies, Sally. They treat you kindly, eh? + +SALLY. Yes, sir. We get on very comfortably, my young Missussesses and +me. + +SKRUFF (_aside._) She gets on very comfortably, her young Missussesses +and she. + +SALLY. They give me their old dresses and does their own hair. + +SKRUFF. Oh! they does their own hair, does they? Ah! (_with +intention_). It's a nice thing, Sally, to come in for a hatful of +money, eh? + +SALLY. Yes, sir. Ever so much nicer than sixpence? + +SKRUFF. Ah! _Miss Hetty_ will be a fortunate girl, eh? + +SALLY. Think so, sir? + +SKRUFF. Unless, indeed, _Miss Florence_ should be the lucky one? Now +tell me, if you were a betting man, which color would you bet on? + +SALLY. Well, I think I should take the _fair_ one for choice! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Hetty, evidently. + +SALLY. Unless the _dark_ one should happen to come in first--but you +can't expect me to say any more for sixpence. + +SKRUFF. Then the sixpence will have to stay where it was! (_Pockets +the coin._) + +SALLY. All right! dare say you want it a deal more than I do! +(_Going--stops, and bobbing a courtesy._) Please sir, which did you +say was the taters?--ha! ha! + + [_Runs off into house._ + +SKRUFF (_looking after her_). There goes another candidate for penal +servitude! This sort of thing won't do. I _must_ make up my mind one +way or the other, so I'll make a bold stroke for Hetty and chance it! +(_During this speech HETTY has entered at L.--stops and listens._) + +HETTY. So, so! Then I must prepare myself for an equally bold +resistance (_coming forward humming a tune_). + +SKRUFF (_seeing her_). Ah, Miss Hetty! + +HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff! + +SKRUFF. Do you know, Miss Hetty, I'm quite pleased with this little +place of your uncle's!--there's something about it--a sort of a kind +of a--umph! + +HETTY. Yes. I have noticed myself that there's something about it--a +sort of a kind of a--(_imitating SKRUFF_). + +SKRUFF. In short, it's the sort of place one could live in +altogether--I shouldn't mind it _myself_--but not _alone!_ (_with a +tender look at HETTY_). + +HETTY (_with pretended sentimentality_). Of course not, Mr. Skruff! +"Who would inhabit this bleak world alone?" You would require a +companion--with beauty--amiability--and-- + +SKRUFF (_sentimentally_). Ten thousand pounds! (_Aside._) Neatly +suggested! + +HETTY. Ten thousand pounds! Why, that's a fortune, Mr. Samuel! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). _Mr. Samuel!_ She's coming round! By Jove! I'll risk +it--neck or nothing, here goes! (_suddenly seizing HETTY'S hand._) If +_you_ had ten thousand pounds, Miss Hetty--do you think you could be +happy with a gentleman like me? (_very sentimentally_). + +HETTY (_aside_). A positive declaration! (_hiding her face in her +handkerchief to conceal her laughter--then trying to release her +hand_). Release my hand!--I beg!--I implore! If Captain Taunton should +see us-- + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Captain Taunton!--the fellow that old Gritty was +talking about!--after Hetty, is he? That's a sure sign the money lies +in this quarter! (_Aloud._) Ah, Miss Hetty--these military gents +seldom come to any good!--I should strongly advise you to give him up! +I should indeed!--if he's a _gentleman,_ he won't make any fuss about +it! + +HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff, you don't know the captain--his very quietest +moments are characterized by the most savage ferocity. Tell me +(_seizing his arm_), can you shoot? + +SKRUFF. Well, I used to be considered quite a crack shot at the +bull's-eye! + +HETTY. At the Wimbledon meeting? + +SKRUFF. No! at the end of a barrow--for nuts! + +HETTY. That's nothing! The captain can snuff a candle with a bullet at +thirty paces! + +SKRUFF. Can he? but doesn't he find that rather an inconvenient +substitute for snuffers? + +TAUNT. (_heard without at R._). Good-bye, then, for the present. + +HETTY (_starting, and pretending alarm_). Ah! his voice--my absence +has excited his suspicions--should he find us together we are lost! +Break the painful intelligence to him gently--but be firm, Samuel, be +firm! (_Aside._) Now to tell Florence. + + [_Runs into house L._ + +SKRUFF. On second thoughts, perhaps I'd better not break the painful +intelligence to him on our first interview, it would hardly be +delicate. Besides, I really shouldn't like to commit an act of +violence on Gritty's premises--it wouldn't be the right thing to do! +Here he comes! I'll pretend not to notice him! (_Seats himself at back +at L., and taking out a newspaper, which he pretends to read._) + + _Enter CAPTAIN TAUNTON at back from R._ + +TAUNT. (_not seeing SKRUFF_). Yes! There is no doubt about it, it +certainly _was_ risking a good deal to raise that one thousand pounds; +but who could resist Florence's entreaties. One thing is quite +certain--Mr. Gritty must know nothing about it. + +SKRUFF (_watching him over his newspaper_). Old Gritty must know +nothing about _what?_ + +TAUNT. The old gentleman has such a horror of accommodation-bills! + +SKRUFF. Oh! oh! accommodation-bills, eh? That's your little game, my +fine fellow, is it? I've got him safe enough now, and can split upon +him at any time. I wonder what he's reading? (_Seeing TAUNTON, rises +and comes cautiously down behind him to look over his shoulder at the +letter--stumbles._) + +TAUNT. (_looking round--aside_). The tailor! (_Aloud._) Perhaps you +would like to read my private letters, sir? + +SKRUFF. I should, very much-- I mean no, of course not. + +TAUNT. What were you going to say, Mr.--Stuff? + +SKRUFF. Skruff! (_Aside._) I wish Miss Hetty had broken the "painful +intelligence" to him herself. I don't relish the idea of being +"snuffed out" at thirty paces. Never mind, I'll risk it. (_Aloud._) +Captain Taunton, I believe? + +TAUNT. Well, sir, what then? (_angrily_). + +SKRUFF. Now don't be jumping down my throat because I've an unpleasant +duty to perform. In a word--I deeply regret to inform you-- + +TAUNT. (_fiercely_). _You,_ sir? + +SKRUFF. I mean. Miss Halliday begs me to inform you-- + +TAUNT. (_impetuously_). Go on! + +SKRUFF. I'm going to go on, sir. + +TAUNT. Miss Halliday begs you to inform me--what? + +SKRUFF. That when she accepted you as a friend of the family she had +no intention whatever of accepting you as a _husband_--and _now,_ she +_thinks_--I mean, _imagines_--I should say, _believes,_ she's made a +slight mistake, because she finds she likes somebody else _better._ + +TAUNT. What! (_seizing SKRUFF by the collar and shaking him._) + +SKRUFF. It's no use giving way to your "savage ferocity," sir; if you +don't believe me, you'd better go and ask Miss Hetty yourself. + +TAUNT. (_leaving hold of SKRUFF_). _Hetty!_ Did you say Hetty? +(_Aside._) One of her practical jokes evidently. Ha! ha! ha! (_Pulls +out his handkerchief and uses it to conceal his laughter, and at the +same time drops the letter on stage._) + +SKRUFF (_in a compassionate tone to TAUNTON, who has still got his +handkerchief to his face, and patting him commiseratingly on the +back_). Now don't go and make yourself miserable because another +fellow has stepped into the ten thousand pounds! + +TAUNT. (_aside_). The mercenary rascal! I see Hetty's "little game" +now. + +SKRUFF. Keep your pecker up, noble captain. I didn't mean to cut you +out, upon my life I didn't! + +TAUNT. (_aside_). I'll humor the fellow. (_Aloud, and with a very deep +sigh._) Well, Mr.--Mr.-- + +SKRUFF. One moment (_presents card to TAUNTON_). + +TAUNT. (_reading_). "Skruff--Tailor--Conduit Street. Orders promptly +attended to." Your information, Mr. Skruff, I confess, is not a +pleasant one! Far from it, Mr. Skruff! (_gives a very deep sigh_). + +SKRUFF. Now don't go on sighing like that, or you'll be doing yourself +some frightful internal injury! + +TAUNT. Hetty will make you a good wife, Mr. Skruff, and a good mother +to the little Skruffs, Mr. Skruff. Might I ask to be allowed to stand +godfather to your first, Mr. Skruff? + +SKRUFF. My dear sir, you shall stand godfather to the first dozen or +two if you like! + +TAUNT. Thank you, Mr. Skruff--but alas! alas! what is to become of the +poor abandoned, broken-hearted Taunton? (_another very deep sigh_). + +SKRUFF. Well! I don't like to advise--but I really don't see why you +shouldn't chuck yourself in the water, especially if you can't swim! + +TAUNT. (_very quietly_). Drown myself--not I! I shall at once propose +to the other sister! + +SKRUFF (_aghast_). What! (_seeing letter on stage, and putting his +foot on it_). You mean to propose to Miss Florence? + +TAUNT. Yes! this very day, this very hour! I suppose I shall be safe +in that quarter? You won't have the heart to molest me _there,_ Mr. +Skruff. (_Aside._) Now to let Mallingford know about this wretched +little interloper! I shall be sure to meet him coming from the +station! (_Aloud, and grasping SKRUFF'S hand._) Good-bye, Mr. Skruff! +you have acted nobly!--nobly!--nobly, Mr. Skruff! + + [_Shaking his hand violently, and going off at gate R._ + +SKRUFF. Have I? Don't be too sure about that! Wheugh! I've got the +most excruciating attack of pins and needles all up my leg in trying +to hide this letter! (_Picks it up._) The question is, ought I to read +it? Of course I ought, or how should I know what's in it. Here goes! +(_Reading letter._) "Dear Harry, I can raise the one thousand pounds +on our joint acceptance, for a term--but for Heaven's sake conceal +this from Mr. Gritty. Yours, Teddy." Teddy!--Teddy what? Teddy who? +Yes; I remember now--I've got him down somewhere! (_looking at his +memorandum-book_). Here he is!--"Edward Mallingford"--he's old +Gritty's other young man! Here's a bit of luck!--I've got both the +young chaps in my clutches now. Ha! ha!--but stop a +bit--(_reflecting_). Isn't it rather strange, if the captain was +_really_ in love with Hetty, that he should give her up so +quietly?--then the eagerness with which he bound me down not to cut +him out with Florence. What if the money comes to _her_ after all! +Luckily, I haven't quite committed myself yet--and what's more, I +won't. + + _FLORENCE has entered from house and runs down eagerly to + SKRUFF._ + +FLOR. (_seizing SKRUFF'S hand_). Hetty has told me all--all, Mr. +Skruff. I cordially congratulate you on your conquest! (_shaking +SKRUFF'S hand violently_). + +SKRUFF (_trying to remove his hand_). I really don't exactly +understand-- (_Aside._) A clear case--they think they've hooked me. If +Hetty had got the money they wouldn't be so precious polite! +(_Aloud._) I'm afraid, miss, we're laboring under some little mistake! + +FLOR. Mistake? Not at all! Did you not propose to my sister? + +SKRUFF. Propose? You mean pop? Ha! ha! ha! Excuse my laughing--but it +really is so very ridiculous! + +FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff--but your merriment is an insult. Poor +Hetty! I'm afraid she'll be quite broken-hearted! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Another broken-hearted one! It runs in the family! + +FLOR. Besides, even if Captain Taunton resigns in your favor-- + +SKRUFF. He _has!_ in the handsomest manner! He's even proposed to +stand godfather to our first! but, says I, "No, Taunton, my boy, +certainly not," says I, "I will _not_ blight your young life, Taunton, +my boy," says I. + +FLOR. How generous of you! (_Aside._) The little hypocrite! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). If Hetty doesn't get the money, Florence must! +That's logic, so here goes! (_Aloud._) Miss Florence, I hope you will +pardon the liberty I am about to take-- + +FLOR. A liberty! from _you_--_you_ whom I hope I may look upon as a +_friend!_ (_with pretended earnestness_). + +SKRUFF. _Dearest_ miss--you may! + +FLOR. Then I may venture to ask your advice on a matter of the most +vital importance to me! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Now for Teddy! If Teddy doesn't catch it hot it'll +be no fault of mine! So look out for squalls, Teddy! (_Aloud._) I +think I can guess the subject you are about to refer to--a certain +Mr.--Mr.--(_taking a side look at his memorandum-book_)--Edward +Mallingford? + +FLOR. Exactly!--do you know him? + +SKRUFF. Personally, no!--professionally, as the signer of +accommodation-bills by the bushel, intimately! + +FLOR. Mr. Mallingford? There must be some mistake! + +SKRUFF. Yes! it was a gigantic mistake on your old fool of an uncle's +part to admit him here at all! If he'd had a grain of common-sense +he'd have seen that he only came here after your ten thousand pounds. + +FLOR. (_smiling_). _My_ ten thousand pounds! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). She doesn't deny it! Rapture! + +FLOR. (_drawing a long sigh_). Ah! Mr. Skruff--what dangers surround +the hapless girl destined by cruel fate to be an heiress! + +SKRUFF (_in a sympathizing tone_). It must be very unpleasant! though +I never was an heiress myself! + +FLOR. Would that all men were as disinterested as you, sir! + +SKRUFF. True, Miss Florence--for my part, if I were to marry a young +lady with ten thousand pounds-- + +FLOR. You'd settle it all on herself--I _know_--I'm _sure_ you would! +The quiet charm of a country life would be unspeakable rapture to you! +To help her to tend her flowers--to feed her poultry--to grow her own +currants and gooseberries-- + +SKRUFF. And her own eggs--and new-laid butter! + +FLOR. But alas! Mallingford is my uncle's choice, and our union is +irrevocable! + +SKRUFF. It wouldn't break your heart, then, to part with Teddy! +because if you really _do_ feel a sort of a sneaking kindness for me, +I'll do all I can for you, I will indeed. + +FLOR. (_with pretended emotion_). Oh, Mr. Skruff!--but, of course--my +uncle--ah! he's here-- + + [_Runs off hastily into house._ + +SKRUFF. She refers me to her uncle! nothing could be plainer! I'll +soon obtain his consent by enlightening his weak mind as to Master +Teddy and his friend the captain! + + _Enter GRITTY at back._ + +GRITTY. Oh, here you are, Sammy! What the deuce have you been doing +with yourself? + +SKRUFF (_aside_). I must give old Gritty a lesson! (_Aloud._) Mr. +Gritty, allow me to remark, with the greatest possible respect, that +you're an infant! a positive infant! + +GRITTY (_looking at him--aside_). Samuel's been at the sherry! + +SKRUFF. Yes, Gritty! there's a simple confiding innocence about you +that's positively pitiable! + +GRITTY (_angrily_). Gently, Samuel, gently! What the deuce are you +driving at? + +SKRUFF. In one word--what do you know about this Captain Taunton and +Teddy? + +GRITTY. Teddy! who the deuce is Teddy? + +SKRUFF. Mr. Edward Mallingford. + +GRITTY. That they're as pleasant, gentlemanly a couple of young +fellows as you'll find in England! What have you to say against them, +eh? + +SKRUFF. Only this, that you've been done, Gritty--decidedly done! + +GRITTY (_aside_). He decidedly _has_ been at the sherry! (_Aloud._) +Your proofs, Mr. Skruff! (_angrily_). + +SKRUFF. Nothing easier! Read that (_hands letter to GRITTY_). + +GRITTY (_reading_). What's this? Can I believe my eyes? Young men of +good family--with handsome allowances--raising the wind in this +disreputable manner! It's disgraceful!--then to keep me in the +dark--it's petty! paltry! contemptible! (_walking up and down_). + +SKRUFF (_following him_). That's what _I_ say! It's petty! paltry! +contemptible! + +GRITTY (_suddenly turning and facing SKRUFF_). Look here, Skruff! if +you've no particular desire to be strangled, you'll hold your tongue! +I'll break off both engagements at once! + +SKRUFF. That's right! + +GRITTY. They shall neither of them dine here to-day! + +SKRUFF. Right again! + +GRITTY (_turning savagely on him and shouting_). Will you hold your +infernal tongue! (_Shouting._) Florence! Hetty! + + _Enter FLORENCE and HETTY running from house--SALLY following._ + +FLOR. } + } (_together_). What's the matter, uncle? +HETTY. } + +GRITTY. The matter, this! Florence, you'll give up Taunton! Hetty, +Mallingford no longer visits here! + +FLOR. } + } (_together_). Oh, uncle! +HETTY. } + +SKRUFF (_aside to FLORENCE_). Rely on me. _I'll_ never forsake you! + +HETTY. But, uncle dear! + +SKRUFF (_aside to her_). Never mind! _I_ won't give up. + +HETTY. You forget that if we're not both married by the time I come of +age-- + +FLOR. We shall neither of us get the money! + +GRITTY (_angrily_). The money may go to the deuce! + +SKRUFF. No! don't say that, Gritty! (_Aside to him._) I'll take one of +'em! I don't care which! (_Aside._) What a pity I can't marry them +both! (_Bell rings; SALLY runs and opens gate; enter TAUNTON and +MALLINGFORD_). + +GRITTY. Here they both are! Captain Taunton (_bowing distantly_). I +regret to inform you that the engagement between you and my niece is +broken off! To you, Mr. Mallingford, I can only repeat the same. + +TAUNT. } + } (_astounded_). You surely must be joking, sir. +MALLING. } + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Is he though! Stick to 'em, Gritty! stick to 'em! + +TAUNT. (_to GRITTY_). We require to know your reasons, sir. + +SKRUFF. Natural enough. By all means, Gritty. Give the gentlemen your +reasons, Gritty. + +GRITTY. In a word, then, this gentleman (_pointing to SKRUFF_) informs +me-- + +SKRUFF (_shouting_). No such thing! I deny it! (_Aside to GRITTY._) +Don't go and drag me into it. + +GRITTY (_handing letter to MALLINGFORD_). Do you know this letter, +sir? + +MALLING. (_starting_). By all that's unfortunate, Taunton, my letter +to you! + +TAUNT. About the one thousand pounds? + +GRITTY. You confess it, then? + +MALLING. One moment, sir! Knowing your objections to raising money on +bills, my friend Taunton and I would certainly rather you had not seen +this letter, but fortunately in this case no bill was necessary. You +do not appear to have read the whole of the contents. (_Opens letter, +and presenting it to GRITTY._) Please to turn over the page. + +GRITTY (_turning over page of letter, and reading to himself_). What's +this? Holloa, Samuel, you never told me to turn over! + +SKRUFF. Turn over? What! at your time of life! You couldn't have done +it! + +GRITTY (_reading letter_). "My brother has just returned to town, and +I have got a check for the amount we require, so that the confidence +of our kind old friend, Mr. Gritty, will not be abused after all." +Bravo! I say, Samuel, ain't you glad to hear this, eh? (_slapping +SKRUFF on the back_). + +SKRUFF. Intensely! (_Aside._) I wish I was well out of it! + +GRITTY (_to TAUNTON and MALLINGFORD_). So you don't owe a penny? + +TAUNT. Not one farthing. + +GRITTY. Then I apologize for my unjust suspicions--although I should +like to know what you young fellows could want with one thousand +pounds. + +FLOR. Nothing very serious, uncle. + +HETTY. Merely a commission which these gentlemen have undertaken for +Florence and me. + +GRITTY. For _you?_ + +FLOR. Yes; the purchase of the meadow behind the orchard, which you +have always been so anxious to possess. + +HETTY. To be our joint gift out of our fortune, uncle, when I came of +age. + +GRITTY. Bless their affectionate little hearts! (_kissing FLORENCE and +HETTY_). Doesn't this warm one up, eh, Sammy? + +SKRUFF. Y-e-s--I do feel _warmish!_ (_Aside._) I'm in a raging fever! +(_Aloud._) Then I suppose, Mr. Gritty, there need be no further +concealment as to which of the two (_pointing to FLORENCE and HETTY_) +is the lucky heiress. (_Aside._) It's as well to know. + +GRITTY. That's all settled long ago--the ten thousand pounds will be +divided equally between them. + +SKRUFF. Oh! (_Aside._) Well, after all, five thousand pounds less, +that idiotic meadow is worth having; and I am tolerably secure in the +affections of both heiresses--I'm pretty sure of getting one. +(_Beckoning aside to TAUNTON._) I believe, sir, I am correct in coming +to the conclusion that your affections are fixed on the younger of Mr. +Gritty's nieces, Miss Hetty? + +TAUNT. Sir! (_indignantly_). + +SKRUFF. Now don't fly out in that way--it's perfectly immaterial to +me--you can have your choice--nothing can be fairer than that! + +TAUNT. Before I reply to _your_ question, Mr.--Mr.-- + +SKRUFF. Skruff. + +TAUNT. Mr. Skruff--perhaps you'll be good enough to answer mine--how +did you come to open a letter addressed to another? + +SKRUFF. How did I open it? In the usual way, I assure you. + +TAUNT. For which I have half a mind to give you a sound horsewhipping! + +SKRUFF. My dear sir, as long as you have only _half_ a mind, and +_keep_ to it, you may threaten me as much as you think proper. +Besides, sir, as I flatter myself that Miss Florence honors me with +her partiality--(_bowing to FLORENCE_). + +FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff! Flattered by your proposal, but compelled +to decline (_courtesying very low and giving her hand to TAUNTON_). + +SKRUFF (_aside_). That's no go. (_Aloud._) How silly of me, to be +sure! Of course, when I said Miss _Florence_ I meant Miss _Hetty_ +(_about to advance_). + +MALLING. (_meeting him_). Pardon me, Mr. Skruff! I have a prior claim +(_holding out his hand to HETTY_). Dear Hetty! + +HETTY (_giving her hand to MALLINGFORD_). Dear Teddy! + +SKRUFF (_aside_). Another no go. + +GRITTY. Why, Sammy, what a desperate fellow you are--have you been +falling in love with _both_ my girls? + +TAUNT. With neither, Mr. Gritty--but desperately smitten with their +ten thousand pounds! + +GRITTY. Oh! oh! that was your little game, eh, Sam? + +SKRUFF. I'll trouble you not to _Sam_ me, Mr. Gritty! I beg you to +understand that I'm not going to stand _Sam_ any longer! (_drawing +himself up_). I sha'n't stop to dinner, Gritty! + +ALL (_with pretended regret, and in a very appealing tone_). Oh, don't +say so! + +SKRUFF. But I _do_ say so. + +SALLY (_aside to him_). _Now_ you haven't told me which is the taters, +sir! + +SKRUFF. Open the gate, young woman! (_SALLY goes to open gate._) +Good-morning, Mr. Gritty! Good-morning, ladies! I hope you'll be +happy--though I wouldn't give much for your chance. (_Advancing +rapidly to the front._) After all, perhaps I've had a narrow +escape--who knows but I may have cause to be grateful that I _have_ +been declined-- + +ALL (_with low courtesies and bows_). With thanks! + + _As SKRUFF hurries up, accompanied with repeated bows and + courtesies, the_ + + CURTAIN FALLS. + + + + +Transcriber's Note + +This transcription is based on images posted by the Internet Archive +and which were scanned from a copy made available by the Library of +Congress: + + archive.org/details/comediettasfarce00mort + +The following changes were noted: + +-- p. 20: (_pointing to BOX_, only being at home--Changed comma after +"BOX" to a closing parenthesis. + +-- p. 20: COX. _and_ BOX. True.--Deleted period after "COX". + +-- p. 32: BOX (_leaning over COX'S shoulder_). A lady's got out--The +lines before and after this line were both assigned to Box, therefore +the names Box and Cox were switched. + +-- p. 68: (_Aside to JESSIE, as he goes towards table_),--For +consistency, the comma after the parenthesis has been changed to a +period and inserted after "_table_". + +-- p. 73: (_going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters at C_).--Inserted a +period after "C". + +-- p. 97: (_Doctor looks at her again and gives a loud +sigh._)--Changed "_Doctor_" to unitalicized small caps in html version +of file and all caps in text version for consistency. + +-- p. 104: MRS. P For you?--Inserted a period after "P". + +-- p. 147: In the cast list, added a period after "MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF" +and "SPRONKS'S BOY" for consistency. + +-- p. 148: SALLY If you've come for the water-rate--Inserted a period +after "SALLY". + +-- p. 148: SALLY Well, sir, that depends--Inserted a period after +"SALLY". + +-- p. 150: . . . the name of the firm--"tailors"--'Conduit Street" +. . . --Changed the single quotation mark before "Conduit" to a double +quotation mark. + +-- p. 151: GRITTY (_pouring out a glass of wine_) There, +Samuel--Inserted a period after the closing parenthesis. + +-- p. 155: HETTY (_to Gritty_). If this odious creature Skruff +stays--Changed "_Gritty_" to small caps in the html version of the +file and all caps in the text version for consistency. + +-- p. 161: TAUNT. (_heard without at R_).--Added a period after "R". + +-- p. 163: _at the same time drops the letter on stage._--Inserted a +closing parenthesis after "_stage._" + +-- p. 164: _Florence has entered from house and runs down +eagerly_--Changed "_Florence_" to small caps in the html version of +the file and all caps in the text version for consistency. + +-- p. 170: the ten thousand pounds will be divided equally beween +them.--Changed "beween" to "between". + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Comediettas and Farces, by John Maddison Morton + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 59210 *** |