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diff --git a/5899.txt b/5899.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..25cb71b --- /dev/null +++ b/5899.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4943 @@ +Project Gutenberg's The Physiology of Marriage, Part II., by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Physiology of Marriage, Part II. + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: July 4, 2005 [EBook #5899] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE *** + + + + +Produced by Dagny; and John Bickers + + + + + + THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE + + SECOND PART + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + MEANS OF DEFENCE, INTERIOR AND EXTERIOR. + + "To be or not to be, + That is the question." + --Shakspeare, _Hamlet_. + + + + MEDITATION X. + + A TREATISE ON MARITAL POLICY. + +When a man reaches the position in which the first part of this book +sets him, we suppose that the idea of his wife being possessed by +another makes his heart beat, and rekindles his passion, either by an +appeal to his _amour propre_, his egotism, or his self-interest, for +unless he is still on his wife's side, he must be one of the lowest of +men and deserves his fate. + +In this trying moment it is very difficult for a husband to avoid +making mistakes; for, with regard to most men, the art of ruling a +wife is even less known than that of judiciously choosing one. +However, marital policy consists chiefly in the practical application +of three principles which should be the soul of your conduct. The +first is never to believe what a woman says; the second, always to +look for the spirit without dwelling too much upon the letter of her +actions; and the third, not to forget that a woman is never so +garrulous as when she holds her tongue, and is never working with more +energy than when she keeps quiet. + +From the moment that your suspicions are aroused, you ought to be like +a man mounted on a tricky horse, who always watches the ears of the +beast, in fear of being thrown from the saddle. + +But art consists not so much in the knowledge of principles, as in the +manner of applying them; to reveal them to ignorant people is to put a +razor in the hand of a monkey. Moreover, the first and most vital of +your duties consists in perpetual dissimulation, an accomplishment in +which most husbands are sadly lacking. In detecting the symptoms of +minotaurism a little too plainly marked in the conduct of their wives, +most men at once indulge in the most insulting suspicions. Their minds +contract a tinge of bitterness which manifests itself in their +conversation, and in their manners; and the alarm which fills their +heart, like the gas flame in a glass globe, lights up their +countenances so plainly, that it accounts for their conduct. + +Now a woman, who has twelve hours more than you have each day to +reflect and to study you, reads the suspicion written upon your face +at the very moment that it arises. She will never forget this +gratuitous insult. Nothing can ever remedy that. All is now said and +done, and the very next day, if she has opportunity, she will join the +ranks of inconsistent women. + +You ought then to begin under these circumstances to affect towards +your wife the same boundless confidence that you have hitherto had in +her. If you begin to lull her anxieties by honeyed words, you are +lost, she will not believe you; for she has her policy as you have +yours. Now there is as much need for tact as for kindliness in your +behavior, in order to inculcate in her, without her knowing it, a +feeling of security, which will lead her to lay back her ears, and +prevent you from using rein or spur at the wrong moment. + +But how can we compare a horse, the frankest of all animals, to a +being, the flashes of whose thought, and the movements of whose +impulses render her at moments more prudent than the Servite +Fra-Paolo, the most terrible adviser that the Ten at Venice ever had; +more deceitful than a king; more adroit than Louis XI; more profound +than Machiavelli; as sophistical as Hobbes; as acute as Voltaire; as +pliant as the fiancee of Mamolin; and distrustful of no one in the +whole wide world but you? + +Moreover, to this dissimulation, by means of which the springs that +move your conduct ought to be made as invisible as those that move the +world, must be added absolute self-control. That diplomatic +imperturbability, so boasted of by Talleyrand, must be the least of +your qualities; his exquisite politeness and the grace of his manners +must distinguish your conversation. The professor here expressly +forbids you to use your whip, if you would obtain complete control +over your gentle Andalusian steed. + + + LXI. + If a man strike his mistress it is a self-inflicted wound; but if he + strike his wife it is suicide! + + +How can we think of a government without police, an action without +force, a power without weapons?--Now this is exactly the problem which +we shall try to solve in our future meditations. But first we must +submit two preliminary observations. They will furnish us with two +other theories concerning the application of all the mechanical means +which we propose you should employ. An instance from life will refresh +these arid and dry dissertations: the hearing of such a story will be +like laying down a book, to work in the field. + +In the year 1822, on a fine morning in the month of February, I was +traversing the boulevards of Paris, from the quiet circles of the +Marais to the fashionable quarters of the Chaussee-d'Antin, and I +observed for the first time, not without a certain philosophic joy, +the diversity of physiognomy and the varieties of costume which, from +the Rue du Pas-de-la-Mule even to the Madeleine, made each portion of +the boulevard a world of itself, and this whole zone of Paris, a grand +panorama of manners. Having at that time no idea of what the world +was, and little thinking that one day I should have the audacity to +set myself up as a legislator on marriage, I was going to take lunch +at the house of a college friend, who was perhaps too early in life +afflicted with a wife and two children. My former professor of +mathematics lived at a short distance from the house of my college +friend, and I promised myself the pleasure of a visit to this worthy +mathematician before indulging my appetite for the dainties of +friendship. I accordingly made my way to the heart of a study, where +everything was covered with a dust which bore witness to the lofty +abstraction of the scholar. But a surprise was in store for me there. +I perceived a pretty woman seated on the arm of an easy chair, as if +mounted on an English horse; her face took on the look of conventional +surprise worn by mistresses of the house towards those they do not +know, but she did not disguise the expression of annoyance which, at +my appearance, clouded her countenance with the thought that I was +aware how ill-timed was my presence. My master, doubtless absorbed in +an equation, had not yet raised his head; I therefore waved my right +hand towards the young lady, like a fish moving his fin, and on tiptoe +I retired with a mysterious smile which might be translated "I will +not be the one to prevent him committing an act of infidelity to +Urania." She nodded her head with one of those sudden gestures whose +graceful vivacity is not to be translated into words. + +"My good friend, don't go away," cried the geometrician. "This is my +wife!" + +I bowed for the second time!--Oh, Coulon! Why wert thou not present to +applaud the only one of thy pupils who understood from that moment the +expression, "anacreontic," as applied to a bow?--The effect must have +been very overwhelming; for Madame the Professoress, as the Germans +say, rose hurriedly as if to go, making me a slight bow which seemed +to say: "Adorable!----" Her husband stopped her, saying: + +"Don't go, my child, this is one of my pupils." + +The young woman bent her head towards the scholar as a bird perched on +a bough stretches its neck to pick up a seed. + +"It is not possible," said the husband, heaving a sigh, "and I am +going to prove it to you by A plus B." + +"Let us drop that, sir, I beg you," she answered, pointing with a wink +to me. + +If it had been a problem in algebra, my master would have understood +this look, but it was Chinese to him, and so he went on. + +"Look here, child, I constitute you judge in the matter; our income is +ten thousand francs." + +At these words I retired to the door, as if I were seized with a wild +desire to examine the framed drawings which had attracted my +attention. My discretion was rewarded by an eloquent glance. Alas! she +did not know that in Fortunio I could have played the part of +Sharp-Ears, who heard the truffles growing. + +"In accordance with the principles of general economy," said my +master, "no one ought to spend in rent and servant's wages more than +two-tenths of his income; now our apartment and our attendance cost +altogether a hundred louis. I give you twelve hundred francs to dress +with" [in saying this he emphasized every syllable]. "Your food," he +went on, takes up four thousand francs, our children demand at lest +twenty-five louis; I take for myself only eight hundred francs; +washing, fuel and light mount up to about a thousand francs; so that +there does not remain, as you see, more than six hundred francs for +unforeseen expenses. In order to buy the cross of diamonds, we must +draw a thousand crowns from our capital, and if once we take that +course, my little darling, there is no reason why we should not leave +Paris which you love so much, and at once take up our residence in the +country, in order to retrench. Children and household expenses will +increase fast enough! Come, try to be reasonable!" + +"I suppose I must," she said, "but you will be the only husband in +Paris who has not given a New Year's gift to his wife." + +And she stole away like a school-boy who goes to finish an imposed +duty. My master made a gesture of relief. When he saw the door close +he rubbed his hands, he talked of the war in Spain; and I went my way +to the Rue de Provence, little knowing that I had received the first +installment of a great lesson in marriage, any more than I dreamt of +the conquest of Constantinople by General Diebitsch. I arrived at my +host's house at the very moment they were sitting down to luncheon, +after having waited for me the half hour demanded by usage. It was, I +believe, as she opened a _pate de foie gras_ that my pretty hostess +said to her husband, with a determined air: + +"Alexander, if you were really nice you would give me that pair of +ear-rings that we saw at Fossin's." + +"You shall have them," cheerfully replied my friend, drawing from his +pocketbook three notes of a thousand francs, the sight of which made +his wife's eyes sparkle. "I can no more resist the pleasure of +offering them to you," he added, "than you can that of accepting them. +This is the anniversary of the day I first saw you, and the diamonds +will perhaps make you remember it!----" + +"You bad man!" said she, with a winning smile. + +She poked two fingers into her bodice, and pulling out a bouquet of +violets she threw them with childlike contempt into the face of my +friend. Alexander gave her the price of the jewels, crying out: + +"I had seen the flowers!" + +I shall never forget the lively gesture and the eager joy with which, +like a cat which lays its spotted paw upon a mouse, the little woman +seized the three bank notes; she rolled them up blushing with +pleasure, and put them in the place of the violets which before had +perfumed her bosom. I could not help thinking about my old +mathematical master. I did not then see any difference between him and +his pupil, than that which exists between a frugal man and a prodigal, +little thinking that he of the two who seemed to calculate the better, +actually calculated the worse. The luncheon went off merrily. Very +soon, seated in a little drawing-room newly decorated, before a +cheerful fire which gave warmth and made our hearts expand as in spring +time, I felt compelled to make this loving couple a guest's +compliments on the furnishing of their little bower. + +"It is a pity that all this costs so dear," said my friend, "but it is +right that the nest be worthy of the bird; but why the devil do you +compliment me upon curtains which are not paid for?--You make me +remember, just at the time I am digesting lunch, that I still owe two +thousand francs to a Turk of an upholsterer." + +At these words the mistress of the house made a mental inventory of +the pretty room with her eyes, and the radiancy of her face changed to +thoughtfulness. Alexander took me by the hand and led me to the recess +of a bay window. + +"Do you happen," he said in a low voice, "to have a thousand crowns to +lend me? I have only twelve thousand francs income, and this year--" + +"Alexander," cried the dear creature, interrupting her husband, while, +rushing up, she offered him the three banknotes, "I see now that it is +a piece of folly--" + +"What do you mean?" answered he, "keep your money." + +"But, my love, I am ruining you! I ought to know that you love me so +much, that I ought not to tell you all that I wish for." + +"Keep it, my darling, it is your lawful property--nonsense, I shall +gamble this winter and get all that back again!" + +"Gamble!" cried she, with an expression of horror. "Alexander, take +back these notes! Come, sir, I wish you to do so." + +"No, no," replied my friend, repulsing the white and delicious little +hand. "Are you not going on Thursday to a ball of Madame de B-----?" + +"I will think about what you asked of me," said I to my comrade. + +I went away bowing to his wife, but I saw plainly after that scene +that my anacreontic salutation did not produce much effect upon her. + +"He must be mad," thought I as I went away, "to talk of a thousand +crowns to a law student." + +Five days later I found myself at the house of Madame de B-----, whose +balls were becoming fashionable. In the midst of the quadrilles I saw +the wife of my friend and that of the mathematician. Madame Alexander +wore a charming dress; some flowers and white muslin were all that +composed it. She wore a little cross _a la Jeannette_, hanging by a +black velvet ribbon which set off the whiteness of her scented skin; +long pears of gold decorated her ears. On the neck of Madame the +Professoress sparkled a superb cross of diamonds. + +"How funny that is," said I to a personage who had not yet studied the +world's ledger, nor deciphered the heart of a single woman. + +That personage was myself. If I had then the desire to dance with +those fair women, it was simply because I knew a secret which +emboldened my timidity. + +"So after all, madame, you have your cross?" I said to her first. + +"Well, I fairly won it!" she replied, with a smile hard to describe. + +"How is this! no ear-rings?" I remarked to the wife of my friend. + +"Ah!" she replied, "I have enjoyed possession of them during a whole +luncheon time, but you see that I have ended by converting Alexander." + +"He allowed himself to be easily convinced?" + +She answered with a look of triumph. + +Eight years afterwards, this scene suddenly rose to my memory, though +I had long since forgotten it, and in the light of the candles I +distinctly discerned the moral of it. Yes, a woman has a horror of +being convinced of anything; when you try to persuade her she +immediately submits to being led astray and continues to play the role +which nature gave her. In her view, to allow herself to be won over is +to grant a favor, but exact arguments irritate and confound her; in +order to guide her you must employ the power which she herself so +frequently employs and which lies in an appeal to sensibility. It is +therefore in his wife, and not in himself, that a husband can find the +instruments of his despotism; as diamond cuts diamond so must the +woman be made to tyrannize over herself. To know how to offer the +ear-rings in such a way that they will be returned, is a secret whose +application embraces the slightest details of life. And now let us +pass to the second observation. + +"He who can manage property of one toman, can manage one of an hundred +thousand," says an Indian proverb; and I, for my part, will enlarge +upon this Asiatic adage and declare, that he who can govern one woman +can govern a nation, and indeed there is very much similarity between +these two governments. Must not the policy of husbands be very nearly +the same as the policy of kings? Do not we see kings trying to amuse +the people in order to deprive them of their liberty; throwing food at +their heads for one day, in order to make them forget the misery of a +whole year; preaching to them not to steal and at the same time +stripping them of everything; and saying to them: "It seems to me that +if I were the people I should be virtuous"? It is from England that we +obtain the precedent which husbands should adopt in their houses. +Those who have eyes ought to see that when the government is running +smoothly the Whigs are rarely in power. A long Tory ministry has +always succeeded an ephemeral Liberal cabinet. The orators of a +national party resemble the rats which wear their teeth away in +gnawing the rotten panel; they close up the hole as soon as they smell +the nuts and the lard locked up in the royal cupboard. The woman is +the Whig of our government. Occupying the situation in which we have +left her she might naturally aspire to the conquest of more than one +privilege. Shut your eyes to the intrigues, allow her to waste her +strength in mounting half the steps of your throne; and when she is on +the point of touching your sceptre, fling her back to the ground, +quite gently and with infinite grace, saying to her: "Bravo!" and +leaving her to expect success in the hereafter. The craftiness of this +manoeuvre will prove a fine support to you in the employment of any +means which it may please you to choose from your arsenal, for the +object of subduing your wife. + +Such are the general principles which a husband should put into +practice, if he wishes to escape mistakes in ruling his little +kingdom. Nevertheless, in spite of what was decided by the minority at +the council of Macon (Montesquieu, who had perhaps foreseen the coming +of constitutional government has remarked, I forget in what part of +his writings, that good sense in public assemblies is always found on +the side of the minority), we discern in a woman a soul and a body, +and we commence by investigating the means to gain control of her +moral nature. The exercise of thought, whatever people may say, is +more noble than the exercise of bodily organs, and we give precedence +to science over cookery and to intellectual training over hygiene. + + + + MEDITATION XI. + + INSTRUCTION IN THE HOME. + +Whether wives should or should not be put under instruction--such is +the question before us. Of all those which we have discussed this is +the only one which has two extremes and admits of no compromise. +Knowledge and ignorance, such are the two irreconcilable terms of this +problem. Between these two abysses we seem to see Louis XVIII +reckoning up the felicities of the eighteenth century, and the +unhappiness of the nineteenth. Seated in the centre of the seesaw, +which he knew so well how to balance by his own weight, he +contemplates at one end of it the fanatic ignorance of a lay brother, +the apathy of a serf, the shining armor on the horses of a banneret; +he thinks he hears the cry, "France and Montjoie-Saint-Denis!" But he +turns round, he smiles as he sees the haughty look of a manufacturer, +who is captain in the national guard; the elegant carriage of a stock +broker; the simple costume of a peer of France turned journalist and +sending his son to the Polytechnique; then he notices the costly +stuffs, the newspapers, the steam engines; and he drinks his coffee +from a cup of Sevres, at the bottom of which still glitters the "N" +surmounted by a crown. + +"Away with civilization! Away with thought!"--That is your cry. You +ought to hold in horror the education of women for the reason so well +realized in Spain, that it is easier to govern a nation of idiots than +a nation of scholars. A nation degraded is happy: if she has not the +sentiment of liberty, neither has she the storms and disturbances +which it begets; she lives as polyps live; she can be cut up into two +or three pieces and each piece is still a nation, complete and living, +and ready to be governed by the first blind man who arms himself with +the pastoral staff. + +What is it that produces this wonderful characteristic of humanity? +Ignorance; ignorance is the sole support of despotism, which lives on +darkness and silence. Now happiness in the domestic establishment as +in a political state is a negative happiness. The affection of a +people for a king, in an absolute monarchy, is perhaps less contrary +to nature than the fidelity of a wife towards her husband, when love +between them no longer exists. Now we know that, in your house, love +at this moment has one foot on the window-sill. It is necessary for +you, therefore, to put into practice that salutary rigor by which M. +de Metternich prolongs his _statu quo_; but we would advise you to do +so with more tact and with still more tenderness; for your wife is +more crafty than all the Germans put together, and as voluptuous as +the Italians. + +You should, therefore, try to put off as long as possible the fatal +moment when your wife asks you for a book. This will be easy. You will +first of all pronounce in a tone of disdain the phrase "Blue +stocking;" and, on her request being repeated, you will tell her what +ridicule attaches, among the neighbors, to pedantic women. + +You will then repeat to her, very frequently, that the most lovable +and the wittiest women in the world are found at Paris, where women +never read; + +That women are like people of quality who, according to Mascarillo, +know everything without having learned anything; that a woman while +she is dancing, or while she is playing cards, without even having the +appearance of listening, ought to know how to pick up from the +conversation of talented men the ready-made phrases out of which fools +manufacture their wit at Paris; + +That in this country decisive judgments on men and affairs are passed +round from hand to hand; and that the little cutting phrase with which +a woman criticises an author, demolishes a work, or heaps contempt on +a picture, has more power in the world than a court decision; + +That women are beautiful mirrors, which naturally reflect the most +brilliant ideas; + +That natural wit is everything, and the best education is gained +rather from what we learn in the world than by what we read in books; + +That, above all, reading ends in making the eyes dull, etc. + +To think of leaving a woman at liberty to read the books which her +character of mind may prompt her to choose! This is to drop a spark in +a powder magazine; it is worse than that, it is to teach your wife to +separate herself from you; to live in an imaginary world, in a +Paradise. For what do women read? Works of passion, the _Confessions_ +of Rousseau, romances, and all those compositions which work most +powerfully on their sensibility. They like neither argument nor the +ripe fruits of knowledge. Now have you ever considered the results +which follow these poetical readings? + +Romances, and indeed all works of imagination, paint sentiments and +events with colors of a very different brilliancy from those presented +by nature. The fascination of such works springs less from the desire +which each author feels to show his skill in putting forth choice and +delicate ideas than from the mysterious working of the human +intellect. It is characteristic of man to purify and refine everything +that he lays up in the treasury of his thoughts. What human faces, +what monuments of the dead are not made more beautiful than actual +nature in the artistic representation? The soul of the reader assists +in this conspiracy against the truth, either by means of the profound +silence which it enjoys in reading or by the fire of mental conception +with which it is agitated or by the clearness with which imagery is +reflected in the mirror of the understanding. Who has not seen on +reading the _Confessions_ of Jean-Jacques, that Madame de Warens is +described as much prettier than she ever was in actual life? It might +almost be said that our souls dwell with delight upon the figures +which they had met in a former existence, under fairer skies; that +they accept the creations of another soul only as wings on which they +may soar into space; features the most delicate they bring to +perfection by making them their own; and the most poetic expression +which appears in the imagery of an author brings forth still more +ethereal imagery in the mind of a reader. To read is to join with the +writer in a creative act. The mystery of the transubstantiation of +ideas, originates perhaps in the instinctive consciousness that we +have of a vocation loftier than our present destiny. Or, is it based +on the lost tradition of a former life? What must that life have been, +if this slight residuum of memory offers us such volumes of delight? + +Moreover, in reading plays and romances, woman, a creature much more +susceptible than we are to excitement, experiences the most violent +transport. She creates for herself an ideal existence beside which all +reality grows pale; she at once attempts to realize this voluptuous +life, to take to herself the magic which she sees in it. And, without +knowing it, she passes from spirit to letter and from soul to sense. + +And would you be simple enough to believe that the manners, the +sentiments of a man like you, who usually dress and undress before +your wife, can counterbalance the influence of these books and +outshine the glory of their fictitious lovers, in whose garments the +fair reader sees neither hole nor stain?--Poor fool! too late, alas! +for her happiness and for yours, your wife will find out that the +_heroes_ of poetry are as rare in real life as the _Apollos_ of +sculpture! + +Very many husbands will find themselves embarrassed in trying to +prevent their wives from reading, yet there are certain people who +allege that reading has this advantage, that men know what their wives +are about when they have a book in hand. In the first place you will +see, in the next Meditation, what a tendency the sedentary life has to +make a woman quarrelsome; but have you never met those beings without +poetry, who succeed in petrifying their unhappy companions by reducing +life to its most mechanical elements? Study great men in their +conversation and learn by heart the admirable arguments by which they +condemn poetry and the pleasures of imagination. + +But if, after all your efforts, your wife persists in wishing to read, +put at her disposal at once all possible books from the A B C of her +little boy to _Rene_, a book more dangerous to you when in her hands +than _Therese Philosophe_. You might create in her an utter disgust +for reading by giving her tedious books; and plunge her into utter +idiocy with _Marie Alacoque_, _The Brosse de Penitence_, or with the +chansons which were so fashionable in the time of Louis XV; but later +on you will find, in the present volume, the means of so thoroughly +employing your wife's time, that any kind of reading will be quite out +of the question. + +And first of all, consider the immense resources which the education +of women has prepared for you in your efforts to turn your wife from +her fleeting taste for science. Just see with what admirable stupidity +girls lend themselves to reap the benefit of the education which is +imposed upon them in France; we give them in charge to nursery maids, +to companions, to governesses who teach them twenty tricks of coquetry +and false modesty, for every single noble and true idea which they +impart to them. Girls are brought up as slaves, and are accustomed to +the idea that they are sent into the world to imitate their +grandmothers, to breed canary birds, to make herbals, to water little +Bengal rose-bushes, to fill in worsted work, or to put on collars. +Moreover, if a little girl in her tenth year has more refinement than +a boy of twenty, she is timid and awkward. She is frightened at a +spider, chatters nonsense, thinks of dress, talks about the fashions +and has not the courage to be either a watchful mother or a chaste +wife. + +Notice what progress she had made; she has been shown how to paint +roses, and to embroider ties in such a way as to earn eight sous a +day. She has learned the history of France in _Ragois_ and chronology +in the _Tables du Citoyen Chantreau_, and her young imagination has +been set free in the realm of geography; all without any aim, +excepting that of keeping away all that might be dangerous to her +heart; but at the same time her mother and her teachers repeat with +unwearied voice the lesson, that the whole science of a woman lies in +knowing how to arrange the fig leaf which our Mother Eve wore. "She +does not hear for fifteen years," says Diderot, "anything else but 'my +daughter, your fig leaf is on badly; my daughter, your fig leaf is on +well; my daughter, would it not look better so?'" + +Keep your wife then within this fine and noble circle of knowledge. If +by chance your wife wishes to have a library, buy for her Florian, +Malte-Brun, _The Cabinet des Fees_, _The Arabian Nights_, Redoute's +_Roses_, _The Customs of China_, _The Pigeons_, by Madame Knip, the +great work on Egypt, etc. Carry out, in short, the clever suggestion +of that princess who, when she was told of a riot occasioned by the +dearness of bread, said, "Why don't they eat cake?" + +Perhaps, one evening, your wife will reproach you for being sullen and +not speaking to her; perhaps she will say that you are ridiculous, +when you have just made a pun; but this is one of the slight +annoyances incident to our system; and, moreover, what does it matter +to you that the education of women in France is the most pleasant of +absurdities, and that your marital obscurantism has brought a doll to +your arms? As you have not sufficient courage to undertake a fairer +task, would it not be better to lead your wife along the beaten track +of married life in safety, than to run the risk of making her scale +the steep precipices of love? She is likely to be a mother: you must +not exactly expect to have Gracchi for sons, but to be really _pater +quem nuptiae demonstrant_; now, in order to aid you in reaching this +consummation, we must make this book an arsenal from which each one, +in accordance with his wife's character and his own, may choose +weapons fit to employ against the terrible genius of evil, which is +always ready to rise up in the soul of a wife; and since it may fairly +be considered that the ignorant are the most cruel opponents of +feminine education, this Meditation will serve as a breviary for the +majority of husbands. + +If a woman has received a man's education, she possesses in very truth +the most brilliant and most fertile sources of happiness both to +herself and to her husband; but this kind of woman is as rare as +happiness itself; and if you do not possess her for your wife, your +best course is to confine the one you do possess, for the sake of your +common felicity, to the region of ideas she was born in, for you must +not forget that one moment of pride in her might destroy you, by +setting on the throne a slave who would immediately be tempted to +abuse her power. + +After all, by following the system prescribed in this Meditation, a +man of superiority will be relieved from the necessity of putting his +thoughts into small change, when he wishes to be understood by his +wife, if indeed this man of superiority has been guilty of the folly +of marrying one of those poor creatures who cannot understand him, +instead of choosing for his wife a young girl whose mind and heart he +has tested and studied for a considerable time. + +Our aim in this last matrimonial observation has not been to advise +all men of superiority to seek for women of superiority and we do not +wish each one to expound our principles after the manner of Madame de +Stael, who attempted in the most indelicate manner to effect a union +between herself and Napoleon. These two beings would have been very +unhappy in their domestic life; and Josephine was a wife accomplished +in a very different sense from this virago of the nineteenth century. + +And, indeed, when we praise those undiscoverable girls so happily +educated by chance, so well endowed by nature, whose delicate souls +endure so well the rude contact of the great soul of him we call _a +man_, we mean to speak of those rare and noble creatures of whom +Goethe has given us a model in his Claire of _Egmont_; we are thinking +of those women who seek no other glory than that of playing their part +well; who adapt themselves with amazing pliancy to the will and +pleasure of those whom nature has given them for masters; soaring at +one time into the boundless sphere of their thought and in turn +stooping to the simple task of amusing them as if they were children; +understanding well the inconsistencies of masculine and violent souls, +understanding also their slightest word, their most puzzling looks; +happy in silence, happy also in the midst of loquacity; and well aware +that the pleasures, the ideas and the moral instincts of a Lord Byron +cannot be those of a bonnet-maker. But we must stop; this fair picture +has led us too far from our subject; we are treating of marriage and +not of love. + + + + MEDITATION XII. + + THE HYGIENE OF MARRIAGE. + +The aim of this Meditation is to call to your attention a new method +of defence, by which you may reduce the will of your new wife to a +condition of utter and abject submission. This is brought about by the +reaction upon her moral nature of physical changes, and the wise +lowering of her physical condition by a diet skillfully controlled. + +This great and philosophical question of conjugal medicine will +doubtless be regarded favorably by all who are gouty, are impotent, or +suffer from catarrh; and by that legion of old men whose dullness we +have quickened by our article on the predestined. But it principally +concerns those husbands who have courage enough to enter into those +paths of machiavelism, such as would not have been unworthy of that +great king of France who endeavored to secure the happiness of the +nation at the expense of certain noble heads. Here, the subject is the +same. The amputation or the weakening of certain members is always to +the advantage of the whole body. + +Do you think seriously that a celibate who has been subject to a diet +consisting of the herb hanea, of cucumbers, of purslane and the +applications of leeches to his ears, as recommended by Sterne, would +be able to carry by storm the honor of your wife? Suppose that a +diplomat had been clever enough to affix a permanent linen plaster to +the head of Napoleon, or to purge him every morning: Do you think that +Napoleon, Napoleon the Great, would ever have conquered Italy? Was +Napoleon, during his campaign in Russia, a prey to the most horrible +pangs of dysuria, or was he not? That is one of the questions which +has weighed upon the minds of the whole world. Is it not certain that +cooling applications, douches, baths, etc., produce great changes in +more or less acute affections of the brain? In the middle of the heat +of July when each one of your pores slowly filters out and returns to +the devouring atmosphere the glasses of iced lemonade which you have +drunk at a single draught, have you ever felt the flame of courage, +the vigor of thought, the complete energy which rendered existence +light and sweet to you some months before? + +No, no; the iron most closely cemented into the hardest stone will +raise and throw apart the most durable monument, by reason of the +secret influence exercised by the slow and invisible variations of +heat and cold, which vex the atmosphere. In the first place, let us be +sure that if atmospheric mediums have an influence over man, there is +still a stronger reason for believing that man, in turn, influences +the imagination of his kind, by the more or less vigor with which he +projects his will and thus produces a veritable atmosphere around him. + +It is in this fact that the power of the actor's talent lies, as well +as that of poetry and of fanaticism; for the former is the eloquence +of words, as the latter is the eloquence of actions; and in this lies +the foundation of a science, so far in its infancy. + +This will, so potent in one man against another, this nervous and +fluid force, eminently mobile and transmittable, is itself subject to +the changing condition of our organization, and there are many +circumstances which make this frail organism of ours to vary. At this +point, our metaphysical observation shall stop and we will enter into +an analysis of the circumstances which develop the will of man and +impart to it a grater degree of strength or weakness. + +Do not believe, however, that it is our aim to induce you to put +cataplasms on the honor of your wife, to lock her up in a sweating +house, or to seal her up like a letter; no. We will not even attempt +to teach you the magnetic theory which would give you the power to +make your will triumph in the soul of your wife; there is not a single +husband who would accept the happiness of an eternal love at the price +of this perpetual strain laid upon his animal forces. But we shall +attempt to expound a powerful system of hygiene, which will enable you +to put out the flame when your chimney takes fire. The elegant women +of Paris and the provinces (and these elegant women form a very +distinguished class among the honest women) have plenty of means of +attaining the object which we propose, without rummaging in the +arsenal of medicine for the four cold specifics, the water-lily and +the thousand inventions worthy only of witches. We will leave to +Aelian his herb hanea and to Sterne the purslane and cucumber which +indicate too plainly his antiphlogistic purpose. + +You should let your wife recline all day long on soft armchairs, in +which she sinks into a veritable bath of eiderdown or feathers; you +should encourage in every way that does no violence to your +conscience, the inclination which women have to breathe no other air +but the scented atmosphere of a chamber seldom opened, where daylight +can scarcely enter through the soft, transparent curtains. + +You will obtain marvelous results from this system, after having +previously experienced the shock of her excitement; but if you are +strong enough to support this momentary transport of your wife you +will soon see her artificial energy die away. In general, women love +to live fast, but, after their tempest of passion, return to that +condition of tranquillity which insures the happiness of a husband. + +Jean-Jacques, through the instrumentality of his enchanting Julie, +must have proved to your wife that it was infinitely becoming to +refrain from affronting her delicate stomach and her refined palate by +making chyle out of coarse lumps of beef, and enormous collops of +mutton. Is there anything purer in the world than those interesting +vegetables, always fresh and scentless, those tinted fruits, that +coffee, that fragrant chocolate, those oranges, the golden apples of +Atalanta, the dates of Arabia and the biscuits of Brussels, a +wholesome and elegant food which produces satisfactory results, at the +same time that it imparts to a woman an air of mysterious originality? +By the regimen which she chooses she becomes quite celebrated in her +immediate circle, just as she would be by a singular toilet, a +benevolent action or a _bon mot_. Pythagoras must needs have cast his +spell over her, and become as much petted by her as a poodle or an +ape. + +Never commit the imprudence of certain men who, for the sake of +putting on the appearance of wit, controvert the feminine dictum, +_that the figure is preserved by meagre diet_. Women on such a diet +never grow fat, that is clear and positive; do you stick to that. + +Praise the skill with which some women, renowned for their beauty, +have been able to preserve it by bathing themselves in milk, several +times a day, or in water compounded of substances likely to render the +skin softer and to lower the nervous tension. + +Advise her above all things to refrain from washing herself in cold +water; because water warm or tepid is the proper thing for all kinds +of ablutions. + +Let Broussais be your idol. At the least indisposition of your wife, +and on the slightest pretext, order the application of leeches; do not +even shrink from applying from time to time a few dozen on yourself, +in order to establish the system of that celebrated doctor in your +household. You will constantly be called upon from your position as +husband to discover that your wife is too ruddy; try even sometimes to +bring the blood to her head, in order to have the right to introduce +into the house at certain intervals a squad of leeches. + +Your wife ought to drink water, lightly tinged with a Burgundy wine +agreeable to her taste, but destitute of any tonic properties; every +other kind of wine would be bad for her. Never allow her to drink +water alone; if you do, you are lost. + +"Impetuous fluid! As soon as you press against the floodgates of the +brain, how quickly do they yield to your power! Then Curiosity comes +swimming by, making signs to her companions to follow; they plunge +into the current. Imagination sits dreaming on the bank. She follows +the torrent with her eyes and transforms the fragments of straw and +reed into masts and bowsprit. And scarcely has the transformation +taken place, before Desire, holding in one hand her skirt drawn up +even to her knees, appears, sees the vessel and takes possession of +it. O ye drinkers of water, it is by means of that magic spring that +you have so often turned and turned again the world at your will, +throwing beneath your feet the weak, trampling on his neck, and +sometimes changing even the form and aspect of nature!" + +If by this system of inaction, in combination with our system of diet, +you fail to obtain satisfactory results, throw yourself with might and +main into another system, which we will explain to you. + +Man has a certain degree of energy given to him. Such and such a man +or woman stands to another as ten is to thirty, as one to five; and +there is a certain degree of energy which no one of us ever exceeds. +The quantity of energy, or willpower, which each of us possesses +diffuses itself like sound; it is sometimes weak, sometimes strong; it +modifies itself according to the octaves to which it mounts. This +force is unique, and although it may be dissipated in desire, in +passion, in toils of intellect or in bodily exertion, it turns towards +the object to which man directs it. A boxer expends it in blows of the +fist, the baker in kneading his bread, the poet in the enthusiasm +which consumes and demands an enormous quantity of it; it passes to +the feet of the dancer; in fact, every one diffuses it at will, and +may I see the Minotaur tranquilly seated this very evening upon my +bed, if you do not know as well as I do how he expends it. Almost all +men spend in necessary toils, or in the anguish of direful passions, +this fine sum of energy and of will, with which nature has endowed +them; but our honest women are all the prey to the caprices and the +struggles of this power which knows not what to do with itself. If, in +the case of your wife, this energy has not been subdued by the +prescribed dietary regimen, subject her to some form of activity which +will constantly increase in violence. Find some means by which her sum +of force which inconveniences you may be carried off, by some +occupation which shall entirely absorb her strength. Without setting +your wife to work the crank of a machine, there are a thousand ways of +tiring her out under the load of constant work. + +In leaving it to you to find means for carrying out our design--and +these means vary with circumstances--we would point out that dancing +is one of the very best abysses in which love may bury itself. This +point having been very well treated by a contemporary, we will give +him here an opportunity of speaking his mind: + + + "The poor victim who is the admiration of an enchanted audience + pays dear for her success. What result can possibly follow on + exertions so ill-proportioned to the resources of the delicate + sex? The muscles of the body, disproportionately wearied, are + forced to their full power of exertion. The nervous forces, + intended to feed the fire of passions, and the labor of the brain, + are diverted from their course. The failure of desire, the wish + for rest, the exclusive craving for substantial food, all point to + a nature impoverished, more anxious to recruit than to enjoy. + Moreover, a denizen of the side scenes said to me one day, + 'Whoever has lived with dancers has lived with sheep; for in their + exhaustion they can think of nothing but strong food.' Believe me, + then, the love which a ballet girl inspires is very delusive; in + her we find, under an appearance of an artificial springtime, a + soil which is cold as well as greedy, and senses which are utterly + dulled. The Calabrian doctors prescribed the dance as a remedy for + the hysteric affections which are common among the women of their + country; and the Arabs use a somewhat similar recipe for the + highbred mares, whose too lively temperament hinders their + fecundity. 'Dull as a dancer' is a familiar proverb at the + theatre. In fact, the best brains of Europe are convinced that + dancing brings with it a result eminently cooling. + + "In support of this it may be necessary to add other observations. + The life of shepherds gives birth to irregular loves. The morals + of weavers were horribly decried in Greece. The Italians have + given birth to a proverb concerning the lubricity of lame women. + The Spanish, in whose veins are found many mixtures of African + incontinence, have expressed their sentiments in a maxim which is + familiar with them: _Muger y gallina pierna quebrantada_ [it is + good that a woman and a hen have one broken leg]. The profound + sagacity of the Orientals in the art of pleasure is altogether + expressed by this ordinance of the caliph Hakim, founder of the + Druses, who forbade, under pain of death, the making in his + kingdom of any shoes for women. It seems that over the whole + globe the tempests of the heart wait only to break out after the + limbs are at rest!" + + +What an admirable manoeuvre it would be to make a wife dance, and to +feed her on vegetables! + +Do not believe that these observations, which are as true as they are +wittily stated, contradict in any way the system which we have +previously prescribed; by the latter, as by the former, we succeed in +producing in a woman that needed listlessness, which is the pledge of +repose and tranquility. By the latter you leave a door open, that the +enemy may flee; by the former, you slay him. + +Now at this point it seems to us that we hear timorous people and +those of narrow views rising up against our idea of hygiene in the +name of morality and sentiment. + +"Is not woman endowed with a soul? Has she not feelings as we have? +What right has any one, without regard to her pain, her ideas, or her +requirements, to hammer her out, as a cheap metal, out of which a +workman fashions a candlestick or an extinguisher? Is it because the +poor creatures are already so feeble and miserable that a brute claims +the power to torture them, merely at the dictate of his own fancies, +which may be more or less just? And, if by this weakening or heating +system of yours, which draws out, softens, hardens the fibres, you +cause frightful and cruel sickness, if you bring to the tomb a woman +who is dear to you; if, if,--" + +This is our answer: + +Have you never noticed into how many different shapes harlequin and +columbine change their little white hats? They turn and twist them so +well that they become, one after another, a spinning-top, a boat, a +wine-glass, a half-moon, a cap, a basket, a fish, a whip, a dagger, a +baby, and a man's head. + +This is an exact image of the despotism with which you ought to shape +and reshape your wife. + +The wife is a piece of property, acquired by contract; she is part of +your furniture, for possession is nine-tenths of the law; in fact, the +woman is not, to speak correctly, anything but an adjunct to the man; +therefore abridge, cut, file this article as you choose; she is in +every sense yours. Take no notice at all of her murmurs, of her cries, +of her sufferings; nature has ordained her for your use, that she may +bear everything--children, griefs, blows and pains from man. + +Don't accuse yourself of harshness. In the codes of all the nations +which are called civilized, man has written the laws which govern the +destiny of women in these cruel terms: _Vae victis!_ Woe to the +conquered! + +Finally, think upon this last observation, the most weighty, perhaps, +of all that we have made up to this time: if you, her husband, do not +break under the scourge of your will this weak and charming reed, +there will be a celibate, capricious and despotic, ready to bring her +under a yoke more cruel still; and she will have to endure two +tyrannies instead of one. Under all considerations, therefore, +humanity demands that you should follow the system of our hygiene. + + + + MEDITATION XIII. + + OF PERSONAL MEASURES. + +Perhaps the preceding Meditations will prove more likely to develop +general principles of conduct, than to repel force by force. They +furnish, however, the pharmacopoeia of medicine and not the practice +of medicine. Now consider the personal means which nature has put into +your hands for self-defence; for Providence has forgotten no one; if +to the sepia (that fish of the Adriatic) has been given the black dye +by which he produces a cloud in which he disappears from his enemy, +you should believe that a husband has not been left without a weapon; +and now the time has come for you to draw yours. + +You ought to have stipulated before you married that your wife should +nurse her own children; in this case, as long as she is occupied in +bearing children or in nursing them you will avoid the danger from one +or two quarters. The wife who is engaged in bringing into the world +and nursing a baby has not really the time to bother with a lover, not +to speak of the fact that before and after her confinement she cannot +show herself in the world. In short, how can the most bold of the +distinguished women who are the subject of this work show herself +under these circumstances in public? O Lord Byron, thou didst not wish +to see women even eat! + +Six months after her confinement, and when the child is on the eve of +being weaned, a woman just begins to feel that she can enjoy her +restoration and her liberty. + +If your wife has not nursed her first child, you have too much sense +not to notice this circumstance, and not to make her desire to nurse +her next one. You will read to her the _Emile_ of Jean-Jacques; you +will fill her imagination with a sense of motherly duties; you will +excite her moral feelings, etc.: in a word, you are either a fool or a +man of sense; and in the first case, even after reading this book, you +will always be minotaurized; while in the second, you will understand +how to take a hint. + +This first expedient is in reality your own personal business. It will +give you a great advantage in carrying out all the other methods. + +Since Alcibiades cut the ears and the tail of his dog, in order to do +a service to Pericles, who had on his hands a sort of Spanish war, as +well as an Ouvrard contract affair, such as was then attracting the +notice of the Athenians, there is not a single minister who has not +endeavored to cut the ears of some dog or other. + +So in medicine, when inflammation takes place at some vital point of +the system, counter-irritation is brought about at some other point, +by means of blisters, scarifications and cupping. + +Another method consists in blistering your wife, or giving her, with a +mental needle, a prod whose violence is such as to make a diversion in +your favor. + +A man of considerable mental resources had made his honeymoon last for +about four years; the moon began to wane, and he saw appearing the +fatal hollow in its circle. His wife was exactly in that state of mind +which we attributed at the close of our first part to every honest +woman; she had taken a fancy to a worthless fellow who was both +insignificant in appearance and ugly; the only thing in his favor was, +he was not her own husband. At this juncture, her husband meditated +the cutting of some dog's tail, in order to renew, if possible, his +lease of happiness. His wife had conducted herself with such tact, +that it would have been very embarrassing to forbid her lover the +house, for she had discovered some slight tie of relationship between +them. The danger became, day by day, more imminent. The scent of the +Minotaur was all around. One evening the husband felt himself plunged +into a mood of deep vexation so acute as to be apparent to his wife. +His wife had begun to show him more kindness than she had ever +exhibited, even during the honeymoon; and hence question after +question racked his mind. On her part a dead silence reigned. The +anxious questionings of his mind were redoubled; his suspicions burst +forth, and he was seized with forebodings of future calamity! Now, on +this occasion, he deftly applied a Japanese blister, which burned as +fiercely as an _auto-da-fe_ of the year 1600. At first his wife +employed a thousand stratagems to discover whether the annoyance of +her husband was caused by the presence of her lover; it was her first +intrigue and she displayed a thousand artifices in it. Her imagination +was aroused; it was no longer taken up with her lover; had she not +better, first of all, probe her husband's secret? + +One evening the husband, moved by the desire to confide in his loving +helpmeet all his troubles, informed her that their whole fortune was +lost. They would have to give up their carriage, their box at the +theatre, balls, parties, even Paris itself; perhaps, by living on +their estate in the country a year or two, they might retrieve all! +Appealing to the imagination of his wife, he told her how he pitied +her for her attachment to a man who was indeed deeply in love with +her, but was now without fortune; he tore his hair, and his wife was +compelled in honor to be deeply moved; then in this first excitement +of their conjugal disturbance he took her off to his estate. Then +followed scarifications, mustard plaster upon mustard plaster, and the +tails of fresh dogs were cut: he caused a Gothic wing to be built to +the chateau; madame altered the park ten time over in order to have +fountains and lakes and variations in the grounds; finally, the +husband in the midst of her labors did not forget his own, which +consisted in providing her with interesting reading, and launching +upon her delicate attentions, etc. Notice, he never informed his wife +of the trick he had played on her; and if his fortune was recuperated, +it was directly after the building of the wing, and the expenditure of +enormous sums in making water-courses; but he assured her that the +lake provided a water-power by which mills might be run, etc. + +Now, there was a conjugal blister well conceived, for this husband +neither neglected to rear his family nor to invite to his house +neighbors who were tiresome, stupid or old; and if he spent the winter +in Paris, he flung his wife into the vortex of balls and races, so +that she had not a minute to give to lovers, who are usually the fruit +of a vacant life. + +Journeys to Italy, Switzerland or Greece, sudden complaints which +require a visit to the waters, and the most distant waters, are pretty +good blisters. In fact, a man of sense should know how to manufacture +a thousand of them. + +Let us continue our examination of such personal methods. + +And here we would have you observe that we are reasoning upon a +hypothesis, without which this book will be unintelligible to you; +namely, we suppose that your honeymoon has lasted for a respectable +time and that the lady that you married was not a widow, but a maid; +on the opposite supposition, it is at least in accordance with French +manners to think that your wife married you merely for the purpose of +becoming inconsistent. + +From the moment when the struggle between virtue and inconsistency +begins in your home, the whole question rests upon the constant and +involuntary comparison which your wife is instituting between you and +her lover. + +And here you may find still another mode of defence, entirely +personal, seldom employed by husbands, but the men of superiority will +not fear to attempt it. It is to belittle the lover without letting +your wife suspect your intention. You ought to be able to bring it +about so that she will say to herself some evening while she is +putting her hair in curl-papers, "My husband is superior to him." + +In order to succeed, and you ought to be able to succeed, since you +have the immense advantage over the lover in knowing the character of +your wife, and how she is most easily wounded, you should, with all +the tact of a diplomat, lead this lover to do silly things and cause +him to annoy her, without his being aware of it. + +In the first place, this lover, as usual, will seek your friendship, +or you will have friends in common; then, either through the +instrumentality of these friends or by insinuations adroitly but +treacherously made, you will lead him astray on essential points; and, +with a little cleverness, you will succeed in finding your wife ready +to deny herself to her lover when he calls, without either she or he +being able to tell the reason. Thus you will have created in the bosom +of your home a comedy in five acts, in which you play, to your profit, +the brilliant role of Figaro or Almaviva; and for some months you will +amuse yourself so much the more, because your _amour-propre_, your +vanity, your all, were at stake. + +I had the good fortune in my youth to win the confidence of an old +_emigre_ who gave me those rudiments of education which are generally +obtained by young people from women. This friend, whose memory will +always be dear to me, taught me by his example to put into practice +those diplomatic stratagems which require tact as well as grace. + +The Comte de Noce had returned from Coblenz at a time when it was +dangerous for the nobility to be found in France. No one had such +courage and such kindness, such craft and such recklessness as this +aristocrat. Although he was sixty years old he had married a woman of +twenty-five, being compelled to this act of folly by soft-heartedness; +for he thus delivered this poor child from the despotism of a +capricious mother. "Would you like to be my widow?" this amiable old +gentleman had said to Mademoiselle de Pontivy, but his heart was too +affectionate not to become more attached to his wife than a sensible +man ought to be. As in his youth he had been under the influence of +several among the cleverest women in the court of Louis XV, he thought +he would have no difficulty in keeping his wife from any entanglement. +What man excepting him have I ever seen, who could put into successful +practice the teachings which I am endeavoring to give to husbands! +What charm could he impart to life by his delightful manners and +fascinating conversation!--His wife never knew until after his death +what she then learned from me, namely, that he had the gout. He had +wisely retired to a home in the hollow of a valley, close to a forest. +God only knows what rambles he used to take with his wife!--His good +star decreed that Mademoiselle de Pontivy should possess an excellent +heart and should manifest in a high degree that exquisite refinement, +that sensitive modesty which renders beautiful the plainest girl in +the world. All of a sudden, one of his nephews, a good-looking +military man, who had escaped from the disasters of Moscow, returned +to his uncle's house, as much for the sake of learning how far he had +to fear his cousins, as heirs, as in the hope of laying siege to his +aunt. His black hair, his moustache, the easy small-talk of the staff +officer, a certain freedom which was elegant as well as trifling, his +bright eyes, contrasted favorably with the faded graces of his uncle. +I arrived at the precise moment when the young countess was teaching +her newly found relation to play backgammon. The proverb says that +"women never learn this game excepting from their lovers, and vice +versa." Now, during a certain game, M. de Noce had surprised his wife +and the viscount in the act of exchanging one of those looks which are +full of mingled innocence, fear, and desire. In the evening he +proposed to us a hunting-party, and we agreed. I never saw him so gay +and so eager as he appeared on the following morning, in spite of the +twinges of gout which heralded an approaching attack. The devil +himself could not have been better able to keep up a conversation on +trifling subjects than he was. He had formerly been a musketeer in the +Grays and had known Sophie Arnoud. This explains all. The conversation +after a time became so exceedingly free among us three, that I hope +God may forgive me for it! + +"I would never have believed that my uncle was such a dashing blade?" +said the nephew. + +We made a halt, and while we were sitting on the edge of a green +forest clearing, the count led us on to discourse about women just as +Brantome and Aloysia might have done. + +"You fellows are very happy under the present government!--the women +of the time are well mannered" (in order to appreciate the exclamation +of the old gentleman, the reader should have heard the atrocious +stories which the captain had been relating). "And this," he went on, +"is one of the advantages resulting from the Revolution. The present +system gives very much more charm and mystery to passion. In former +times women were easy; ah! indeed, you would not believe what skill it +required, what daring, to wake up those worn-out hearts; we were +always on the _qui vive_. But yet in those days a man became +celebrated for a broad joke, well put, or for a lucky piece of +insolence. That is what women love, and it will always be the best +method of succeeding with them!" + +These last words were uttered in a tone of profound contempt; he +stopped, and began to play with the hammer of his gun as if to +disguise his deep feeling. + +"But nonsense," he went on, "my day is over! A man ought to have the +body as well as the imagination young. Why did I marry? What is most +treacherous in girls educated by mothers who lived in that brilliant +era of gallantry, is that they put on an air of frankness, of reserve; +they look as if butter would not melt in their mouths, and those who +know them well feel that they would swallow anything!" + +He rose, lifted his gun with a gesture of rage, and dashing it to the +ground thrust it far up the butt in the moist sod. + +"It would seem as if my dear aunt were fond of a little fun," said the +officer to me in a low voice. + +"Or of denouements that do not come off!" I added. + +The nephew tightened his cravat, adjusted his collar and gave a jump +like a Calabrian goat. We returned to the chateau at about two in the +afternoon. The count kept me with him until dinner-time, under the +pretext of looking for some medals, of which he had spoken during our +return home. The dinner was dull. The countess treated her nephew with +stiff and cold politeness. When we entered the drawing-room the count +said to his wife: + +"Are you going to play backgammon?--We will leave you." + +The young countess made no reply. She gazed at the fire, as if she had +not heard. Her husband took some steps towards the door, inviting me +by the wave of his hand to follow him. At the sound of his footsteps, +his wife quickly turned her head. + +"Why do you leave us?" said she, "you will have all tomorrow to show +your friend the reverse of the medals." + +The count remained. Without paying any attention to the awkwardness +which had succeeded the former military aplomb of his nephew, the +count exercised during the whole evening his full powers as a charming +conversationalist. I had never before seen him so brilliant or so +gracious. We spoke a great deal about women. The witticisms of our +host were marked by the most exquisite refinement. He made me forget +that his hair was white, for he showed the brilliancy which belonged +to a youthful heart, a gaiety which effaces the wrinkles from the +cheek and melts the snow of wintry age. + +The next day the nephew went away. Even after the death of M. de Noce, +I tried to profit by the intimacy of those familiar conversations in +which women are sometimes caught off their guard to sound her, but I +could never learn what impertinence the viscount had exhibited towards +his aunt. His insolence must have been excessive, for since that time +Madame de Noce has refused to see her nephew, and up to the present +moment never hears him named without a slight movement of her +eyebrows. I did not at once guess the end at which the Comte de Noce +aimed, in inviting us to go shooting; but I discovered later that he +had played a pretty bold game. + +Nevertheless, if you happen at last, like M. de Noce, to carry off a +decisive victory, do not forget to put into practice at once the +system of blisters; and do not for a moment imagine that such _tours +de force_ are to be repeated with safety. If that is the way you use +your talents, you will end by losing caste in your wife's estimation; +for she will demand of you, reasonably enough, double what you would +give her, and the time will come when you declare bankruptcy. The +human soul in its desires follows a sort of arithmetical progression, +the end and origin of which are equally unknown. Just as the +opium-eater must constantly increase his doses in order to obtain the +same result, so our mind, imperious as it is weak, desires that +feeling, ideas and objects should go on ever increasing in size and in +intensity. Hence the necessity of cleverly distributing the interest +in a dramatic work, and of graduating doses in medicine. Thus you see, +if you always resort to the employment of means like these, that you +must accommodate such daring measures to many circumstances, and +success will always depend upon the motives to which you appeal. + +And finally, have you influence, powerful friends, an important post? +The last means I shall suggest cuts to the root of the evil. Would you +have the power to send your wife's lover off by securing his +promotion, or his change of residence by an exchange, if he is a +military man? You cut off by this means all communication between +them; later on we will show you how to do it; for _sublata causa +tollitur effectus_,--Latin words which may be freely translated "there +is no effect without a cause." + +Nevertheless, you feel that your wife may easily choose another lover; +but in addition to these preliminary expedients, you will always have +a blister ready, in order to gain time, and calculate how you may +bring the affair to an end by fresh devices. + +Study how to combine the system of blisters with the mimic wiles of +Carlin, the immortal Carlin of the _Comedie-Italienne_ who always held +and amused an audience for whole hours, by uttering the same words, +varied only by the art of pantomime and pronounced with a thousand +inflections of different tone,--"The queen said to the king!" Imitate +Carlin, discover some method of always keeping your wife in check, so +as not to be checkmated yourself. Take a degree among constitutional +ministers, a degree in the art of making promises. Habituate yourself +to show at seasonable times the punchinello which makes children run +after you without knowing the distance they run. We are all children, +and women are all inclined through their curiosity to spend their time +in pursuit of a will-o'-the-wisp. The flame is brilliant and quickly +vanishes, but is not the imagination at hand to act as your ally? +Finally, study the happy art of being near her and yet not being near +her; of seizing the opportunity which will yield you pre-eminence in +her mind without ever crushing her with a sense of your superiority, +or even of her own happiness. If the ignorance in which you have kept +her does not altogether destroy her intellect, you must remain in such +relations with her that each of you will still desire the company of +the other. + + + + MEDITATION XIV. + + OF APARTMENTS. + +The preceding methods and systems are in a way purely moral; they +share the nobility of the soul, there is nothing repulsive in them; +but now we must proceed to consider precautions _a la Bartholo_. Do +not give way to timidity. There is a marital courage, as there is a +civil and military courage, as there is the courage of the National +Guard. + +What is the first course of a young girl after having purchased a +parrot? Is it not to fasten it up in a pretty cage, from which it +cannot get out without permission? + +You may learn your duty from this child. + +Everything that pertains to the arrangement of your house and of your +apartments should be planned so as not to give your wife any +advantage, in case she has decided to deliver you to the Minotaur; +half of all actual mischances are brought about by the deplorable +facilities which the apartments furnish. + +Before everything else determine to have for your porter a _single +man_ entirely devoted to your person. This is a treasure easily to be +found. What husband is there throughout the world who has not either a +foster-father or some old servant, upon whose knees he has been +dandled! There ought to exist by means of your management, a hatred +like that of Artreus and Thyestes between your wife and this Nestor +--guardian of your gate. This gate is the Alpha and Omega of an +intrigue. May not all intrigues in love be confined in these words +--entering and leaving? + +Your house will be of no use to you if it does not stand between a +court and a garden, and so constructed as to be detached from all +other buildings. You must abolish all recesses in your apartments. A +cupboard, if it contain but six pots of preserves, should be walled +in. You are preparing yourself for war, and the first thought of a +general is to cut his enemy off from supplies. Moreover, all the walls +must be smooth, in order to present to the eye lines which may be +taken in at a glance, and permit the immediate recognition of the +least strange object. If you consult the remains of antique monuments +you will see that the beauty of Greek and Roman apartments sprang +principally from the purity of their lines, the clear sweep of their +walls and scantiness of furniture. The Greeks would have smiled in +pity, if they had seen the gaps which our closets make in our +drawing-rooms. + +This magnificent system of defence should above all be put in active +operation in the apartment of your wife; never let her curtain her bed +in such a way that one can walk round it amid a maze of hangings; be +inexorable in the matter of connecting passages, and let her chamber +be at the bottom of your reception-rooms, so as to show at a glance +those who come and go. + +_The Marriage of Figaro_ will no doubt have taught you to put your +wife's chamber at a great height from the ground. All celibates are +Cherubins. + +Your means, doubtless, will permit your wife to have a dressing-room, +a bath-room, and a room for her chambermaid. Think then on Susanne, +and never commit the fault of arranging this little room below that of +madame's, but place it always above, and do not shrink from +disfiguring your mansion by hideous divisions in the windows. + +If, by ill luck, you see that this dangerous apartment communicates +with that of your wife by a back staircase, earnestly consult your +architect; let his genius exhaust itself in rendering this dangerous +staircase as innocent as the primitive garret ladder; we conjure you +let not this staircase have appended to it any treacherous +lurking-place; its stiff and angular steps must not be arranged with +that tempting curve which Faublas and Justine found so useful when +they waited for the exit of the Marquis de B-----. Architects nowadays +make such staircases as are absolutely preferable to ottomans. Restore +rather the virtuous garret steps of our ancestors. + +Concerning the chimneys in the apartment of madame, you must take care +to place in the flue, five feet from the ground, an iron grill, even +though it be necessary to put up a fresh one every time the chimney is +swept. If your wife laughs at this precaution, suggest to her the +number of murders that have been committed by means of chimneys. +Almost all women are afraid of robbers. The bed is one of those +important pieces of furniture whose structure will demand long +consideration. Everything concerning it is of vital importance. The +following is the result of long experience in the construction of +beds. Give to this piece of furniture a form so original that it may +be looked upon without disgust, in the midst of changes of fashion +which succeed so rapidly in rendering antiquated the creations of +former decorators, for it is essential that your wife be unable to +change, at pleasure, this theatre of married happiness. The base +should be plain and massive and admit of no treacherous interval +between it and the floor; and bear in mind always that the Donna Julia +of Byron hid Don Juan under her pillow. But it would be ridiculous to +treat lightly so delicate a subject. + + + LXII. + The bed is the whole of marriage. + + +Moreover, we must not delay to direct your attention to this wonderful +creation of human genius, an invention which claims our recognition +much more than ships, firearms, matches, wheeled carriages, steam +engines of all kinds, more than even barrels and bottles. In the first +place, a little thought will convince us that this is all true of the +bed; but when we begin to think that it is our second father, that the +most tranquil and most agitated half of our existence is spent under +its protecting canopy, words fail in eulogizing it. (See Meditation +XVII, entitled "Theory of the Bed.") + +When the war, of which we shall speak in our third part, breaks out +between you and madame, you will always have plenty of ingenious +excuses for rummaging in the drawers and escritoires; for if your wife +is trying to hide from you some statue of her adoration, it is your +interest to know where she has hidden it. A gyneceum, constructed on +the method described, will enable you to calculate at a glance, +whether there is present in it two pounds of silk more than usual. +Should a single closet be constructed there, you are a lost man! Above +all, accustom your wife, during the honeymoon, to bestow especial +pains in the neatness of her apartment; let nothing put off that. If +you do not habituate her to be minutely particular in this respect, if +the same objects are not always found in the same places, she will +allow things to become so untidy, that you will not be able to see +that there are two pounds of silk more or less in her room. + +The curtains of your apartments ought to be of a stuff which is quite +transparent, and you ought to contract the habit in the evenings of +walking outside so that madame may see you come right up to the window +just out of absent-mindedness. In a word, with regard to windows, let +the sills be so narrow that even a sack of flour cannot be set up on +them. + +If the apartment of your wife can be arranged on these principles, you +will be in perfect safety, even if there are niches enough there to +contain all the saints of Paradise. You will be able, every evening, +with the assistance of your porter, to strike the balance between the +entrances and exits of visitors; and, in order to obtain accurate +results, there is nothing to prevent your teaching him to keep a book +of visitors, in double entry. + +If you have a garden, cultivate a taste for dogs, and always keep at +large one of these incorruptible guardians under your windows; you +will thus gain the respect of the Minotaur, especially if you accustom +your four-footed friend to take nothing substantial excepting from the +hand of your porter, so that hard-hearted celibates may not succeed in +poisoning him. + +But all these precautions must be taken as a natural thing so that +they may not arouse suspicions. If husbands are so imprudent as to +neglect precautions from the moment they are married, they ought at +once to sell their house and buy another one, or, under the pretext of +repairs, alter their present house in the way prescribed. + +You will without scruple banish from your apartment all sofas, +ottomans, lounges, sedan chairs and the like. In the first place, this +is the kind of furniture that adorns the homes of grocers, where they +are universally found, as they are in those of barbers; but they are +essentially the furniture of perdition; I can never see them without +alarm. It has always seemed to me that there the devil himself is +lurking with his horns and cloven foot. + +After all, nothing is so dangerous as a chair, and it is extremely +unfortunate that women cannot be shut up within the four walls of a +bare room! What husband is there, who on sitting down on a rickety +chair is not always forced to believe that this chair has received +some of the lessons taught by the _Sofa_ of Crebillion junior? But +happily we have arranged your apartment on such a system of prevention +that nothing so fatal can happen, or, at any rate, not without your +contributory negligence. + +One fault which you must contract, and which you must never correct, +will consist in a sort of heedless curiosity, which will make you +examine unceasingly all the boxes, and turn upside down the contents +of all dressing-cases and work-baskets. You must proceed to this +domiciliary visit in a humorous mood, and gracefully, so that each +time you will obtain pardon by exciting the amusement of your wife. + +You must always manifest a most profound astonishment on noticing any +piece of furniture freshly upholstered in her well-appointed +apartment. You must immediately make her explain to you the advantages +of the change; and then you must ransack your mind to discover whether +there be not some underhand motive in the transaction. + +This is by no means all. You have too much sense to forget that your +pretty parrot will remain in her cage only so long as that cage is +beautiful. The least accessory of her apartment ought, therefore, to +breathe elegance and taste. The general appearance should always +present a simple, at the same time a charming picture. You must +constantly renew the hangings and muslin curtains. The freshness of +the decorations is too essential to permit of economy on this point. +It is the fresh chickweed each morning carefully put into the cage of +their birds, that makes their pets believe it is the verdure of the +meadows. An apartment of this character is then the _ultima ratio_ of +husbands; a wife has nothing to say when everything is lavished on +her. + +Husbands who are condemned to live in rented apartments find +themselves in the most terrible situation possible. What happy or what +fatal influence cannot the porter exercise upon their lot? + +Is not their home flanked on either side by other houses? It is true +that by placing the apartment of their wives on one side of the house +the danger is lessened by one-half; but are they not obliged to learn +by heart and to ponder the age, the condition, the fortune, the +character, the habits of the tenants of the next house and even to +know their friends and relations? + +A husband will never take lodgings on the ground floor. + +Every man, however, can apply in his apartments the precautionary +methods which we have suggested to the owner of a house, and thus the +tenant will have this advantage over the owner, that the apartment, +which is less spacious than the house, is more easily guarded. + + + + MEDITATION XV. + + OF THE CUSTOM HOUSE. + +"But no, madame, no--" + +"Yes, for there is such inconvenience in the arrangement." + +"Do you think, madame, that we wish, as at the frontier, to watch the +visits of persons who cross the threshold of your apartments, or +furtively leave them, in order to see whether they bring to you +articles of contraband? That would not be proper; and there is nothing +odious in our proceeding, any more than there is anything of a fiscal +character; do not be alarmed." + +The Custom House of the marriage state is, of all the expedients +prescribed in this second part, that which perhaps demands the most +tact and the most skill as well as the most knowledge acquired _a +priori_, that is to say before marriage. In order to carry it out, a +husband ought to have made a profound study of Lavater's book, and to +be imbued with all his principles; to have accustomed his eye to judge +and to apprehend with the most astonishing promptitude, the slightest +physical expressions by which a man reveals his thoughts. + +Lavater's _Physiognomy_ originated a veritable science, which has won +a place in human investigation. If at first some doubts, some jokes +greeted the appearance of this book, since then the celebrated Doctor +Gall is come with his noble theory of the skull and has completed the +system of the Swiss savant, and given stability to his fine and +luminous observations. People of talent, diplomats, women, all those +who are numbered among the choice and fervent disciples of these two +celebrated men, have often had occasion to recognize many other +evident signs, by which the course of human thought is indicated. The +habits of the body, the handwriting, the sound of the voice, have +often betrayed the woman who is in love, the diplomat who is +attempting to deceive, the clever administrator, or the sovereign who +is compelled to distinguish at a glance love, treason or merit +hitherto unknown. The man whose soul operates with energy is like a +poor glowworm, which without knowing it irradiates light from every +pore. He moves in a brilliant sphere where each effort makes a burning +light and outlines his actions with long streamers of fire. + +These, then, are all the elements of knowledge which you should +possess, for the conjugal custom house insists simply in being able by +a rapid but searching examination to know the moral and physical +condition of all who enter or leave your house--all, that is, who have +seen or intend to see your wife. A husband is, like a spider, set at +the centre of an invisible net, and receives a shock from the least +fool of a fly who touches it, and from a distance, hears, judges and +sees what is either his prey or his enemy. + +Thus you must obtain means to examine the celibate who rings at your +door under two circumstances which are quite distinct, namely, when he +is about to enter and when he is inside. + +At the moment of entering how many things does he utter without even +opening his mouth! + +It may be by a slight wave of his hand, or by his plunging his fingers +many times into his hair, he sticks up or smoothes down his +characteristic bang. + +Or he hums a French or an Italian air, merry or sad, in a voice which +may be either tenor, contralto, soprano or baritone. + +Perhaps he takes care to see that the ends of his necktie are properly +adjusted. + +Or he smoothes down the ruffles or front of his shirt or +evening-dress. + +Or he tries to find out by a questioning and furtive glance whether +his wig, blonde or brown, curled or plain, is in its natural position. + +Perhaps he looks at his nails to see whether they are clean and duly +cut. + +Perhaps with a hand which is either white or untidy, well-gloved or +otherwise, he twirls his moustache, or his whiskers, or picks his +teeth with a little tortoise-shell toothpick. + +Or by slow and repeated movements he tries to place his chin exactly +over the centre of his necktie. + +Or perhaps he crosses one foot over the other, putting his hands in +his pockets. + +Or perhaps he gives a twist to his shoe, and looks at it as if he +thought, "Now, there's a foot that is not badly formed." + +Or according as he has come on foot or in a carriage, he rubs off or +he does not rub off the slight patches of mud which soil his shoes. + +Or perhaps he remains as motionless as a Dutchman smoking his pipe. + +Or perhaps he fixes his eyes on the door and looks like a soul escaped +from Purgatory and waiting for Saint Peter with the keys. + +Perhaps he hesitates to pull the bell; perhaps he seizes it +negligently, precipitately, familiarly, or like a man who is quite +sure of himself. + +Perhaps he pulls it timidly, producing a faint tinkle which is lost in +the silence of the apartments, as the first bell of matins in +winter-time, in a convent of Minims; or perhaps after having rung with +energy, he rings again impatient that the footman has not heard him. + +Perhaps he exhales a delicate scent, as he chews a pastille. + +Perhaps with a solemn air he takes a pinch of snuff, brushing off with +care the grains that might mar the whiteness of his linen. + +Perhaps he looks around like a man estimating the value of the +staircase lamp, the balustrade, the carpet, as if he were a furniture +dealer or a contractor. + +Perhaps this celibate seems a young or an old man, is cold or hot, +arrives slowly, with an expression of sadness or merriment, etc. + +You see that here, at the very foot of your staircase, you are met by +an astonishing mass of things to observe. + +The light pencil-strokes, with which we have tried to outline this +figure, will suggest to you what is in reality a moral kaleidoscope +with millions of variations. And yet we have not even attempted to +bring any woman on to the threshold which reveals so much; for in that +case our remarks, already considerable in number, would have been +countless and light as the grains of sand on the seashore. + +For as a matter of fact, when he stands before the shut door, a man +believes that he is quite alone; and he would have no hesitation in +beginning a silent monologue, a dreamy soliloquy, in which he revealed +his desires, his intentions, his personal qualities, his faults, his +virtues, etc.; for undoubtedly a man on a stoop is exactly like a +young girl of fifteen at confession, the evening before her first +communion. + +Do you want any proof of this? Notice the sudden change of face and +manner in this celibate from the very moment he steps within the +house. No machinist in the Opera, no change in the temperature in the +clouds or in the sun can more suddenly transform the appearance of a +theatre, the effect of the atmosphere, or the scenery of the heavens. + +On reaching the first plank of your antechamber, instead of betraying +with so much innocence the myriad thoughts which were suggested to you +on the steps, the celibate has not a single glance to which you could +attach any significance. The mask of social convention wraps with its +thick veil his whole bearing; but a clever husband must already have +divined at a single look the object of his visit, and he reads the +soul of the new arrival as if it were a printed book. + +The manner in which he approaches your wife, in which he addresses +her, looks at her, greets her and retires--there are volumes of +observations, more or less trifling, to be made on these subjects. + +The tone of his voice, his bearing, his awkwardness, it may be his +smile, even his gloom, his avoidance of your eye,--all are +significant, all ought to be studied, but without apparent attention. +You ought to conceal the most disagreeable discovery you may make by +an easy manner and remarks such as are ready at hand to a man of +society. As we are unable to detail the minutiae of this subject we +leave them entirely to the sagacity of the reader, who must by this +time have perceived the drift of our investigation, as well as the +extent of this science which begins at the analysis of glances and +ends in the direction of such movements as contempt may inspire in a +great toe hidden under the satin of a lady's slipper or the leather of +a man's boot. + +But the exit!--for we must allow for occasions where you have omitted +your rigid scrutiny at the threshold of the doorway, and in that case +the exit becomes of vital importance, and all the more so because this +fresh study of the celibate ought to be made on the same lines, but +from an opposite point of view, from that which we have already +outlined. + +In the exit the situation assumes a special gravity; for then is the +moment in which the enemy has crossed all the intrenchments within +which he was subject to our examination and has escaped into the +street! At this point a man of understanding when he sees a visitor +passing under the _porte-cochere_ should be able to divine the import +of the whole visit. The indications are indeed fewer in number, but +how distinct is their character! The denouement has arrived and the +man instantly betrays the importance of it by the frankest expression +of happiness, pain or joy. + +These revelations are therefore easy to apprehend; they appear in the +glance cast either at the building or at the windows of the apartment; +in a slow or loitering gait, in the rubbing of hands, on the part of a +fool, in the bounding gait of a coxcomb, or the involuntary arrest of +his footsteps, which marks the man who is deeply moved; in a word, you +see upon the stoop certain questions as clearly proposed to you as if +a provincial academy had offered a hundred crowns for an essay; but in +the exit you behold the solution of these questions clearly and +precisely given to you. Our task would be far above the power of human +intelligence if it consisted in enumerating the different ways by +which men betray their feelings, the discernment of such things is +purely a matter of tact and sentiment. + +If strangers are the subject of these principles of observation, you +have a still stronger reason for submitting your wife to the formal +safeguards which we have outlined. + +A married man should make a profound study of his wife's countenance. +Such a study is easy, it is even involuntary and continuous. For him +the pretty face of his wife must needs contain no mysteries, he knows +how her feelings are depicted there and with what expression she shuns +the fire of his glance. + +The slightest movement of the lips, the faintest contraction of the +nostrils, scarcely perceptible changes in the expression of the eye, +an altered voice, and those indescribable shades of feeling which pass +over her features, or the light which sometimes bursts forth from +them, are intelligible language to you. + +The whole woman nature stands before you; all look at her, but none +can interpret her thoughts. But for you, the eye is more or less +dimmed, wide-opened or closed; the lid twitches, the eyebrow moves; a +wrinkle, which vanishes as quickly as a ripple on the ocean, furrows +her brow for one moment; the lip tightens, it is slightly curved or it +is wreathed with animation--for you the woman has spoken. + +If in those puzzling moments in which a woman tries dissimulation in +presence of her husband, you have the spirit of a sphinx in seeing +through her, you will plainly observe that your custom-house +restrictions are mere child's play to her. + +When she comes home or goes out, when in a word she believes she is +alone, your wife will exhibit all the imprudence of a jackdaw and will +tell her secret aloud to herself; moreover, by her sudden change of +expression the moment she notices you (and despite the rapidity of +this change, you will not fail to have observed the expression she +wore behind your back) you may read her soul as if you were reading a +book of Plain Song. Moreover, your wife will often find herself just +on the point of indulging in soliloquies, and on such occasions her +husband may recognize the secret feelings of his wife. + +Is there a man as heedless of love's mysteries as not to have admired, +over and over again, the light, mincing, even bewitching gait of a +woman who flies on her way to keep an assignation? She glides through +the crowd, like a snake through the grass. The costumes and stuffs of +the latest fashion spread out their dazzling attractions in the shop +windows without claiming her attention; on, on she goes like the +faithful animal who follows the invisible tracks of his master; she is +deaf to all compliments, blind to all glances, insensible even to the +light touch of the crowd, which is inevitable amid the circulation of +Parisian humanity. Oh, how deeply she feels the value of a minute! Her +gait, her toilet, the expression of her face, involve her in a +thousand indiscretions, but oh, what a ravishing picture she presents +to the idler, and what an ominous page for the eye of a husband to +read, is the face of this woman when she returns from the secret place +of rendezvous in which her heart ever dwells! Her happiness is +impressed even on the unmistakable disarray of her hair, the mass of +whose wavy tresses has not received from the broken comb of the +celibate that radiant lustre, that elegant and well-proportioned +adjustment which only the practiced hand of her maid can give. And +what charming ease appears in her gait! How is it possible to describe +the emotion which adds such rich tints to her complexion!--which robs +her eyes of all their assurance and gives to them an expression of +mingled melancholy and delight, of shame which is yet blended with +pride! + +These observations, stolen from our Meditation, _Of the Last +Symptoms_, and which are really suggested by the situation of a woman +who tries to conceal everything, may enable you to divine by analogy +the rich crop of observation which is left for you to harvest when +your wife arrives home, or when, without having committed the great +crime she innocently lets out the secrets of her thoughts. For our own +part we never see a landing without wishing to set up there a +mariner's card and a weather-cock. + +As the means to be employed for constructing a sort of domestic +observatory depend altogether on places and circumstances, we must +leave to the address of a jealous husband the execution of the methods +suggested in this Meditation. + + + + MEDITATION XVI. + + THE CHARTER OF MARRIAGE. + +I acknowledge that I really know of but one house in Paris which is +managed in accordance with the system unfolded in the two preceding +Meditations. But I ought to add, also, that I have built up my system +on the example of that house. The admirable fortress I allude to +belonged to a young councillor of state, who was mad with love and +jealousy. + +As soon as he learned that there existed a man who was exclusively +occupied in bringing to perfection the institution of marriage in +France, he had the generosity to open the doors of his mansion to me +and to show me his gyneceum. I admired the profound genius which so +cleverly disguised the precautions of almost oriental jealousy under +the elegance of furniture, beauty of carpets and brightness of painted +decorations. I agreed with him that it was impossible for his wife to +render his home a scene of treachery. + +"Sir," said I, to this Othello of the council of state who did not +seem to me peculiarly strong in the _haute politique_ of marriage, "I +have no doubt that the viscountess is delighted to live in this little +Paradise; she ought indeed to take prodigious pleasure in it, +especially if you are here often. But the time will come when she will +have had enough of it; for, my dear sir, we grow tired of everything, +even of the sublime. What will you do then, when madame, failing to +find in all your inventions their primitive charm, shall open her +mouth in a yawn, and perhaps make a request with a view to the +exercise of two rights, both of which are indispensable to her +happiness: individual liberty, that is, the privilege of going and +coming according to the caprice of her will; and the liberty of the +press, that is, the privilege of writing and receiving letters without +fear of your censure?" + +Scarcely had I said these words when the Vicomte de V----- grasped my +arm tightly and cried: + +"Yes, such is the ingratitude of woman! If there is any thing more +ungrateful than a king, it is a nation; but, sir, woman is more +ungrateful than either of them. A married woman treats us as the +citizens of a constitutional monarchy treat their king; every measure +has been taken to give these citizens a life of prosperity in a +prosperous country; the government has taken all the pains in the +world with its gendarmes, its churches, its ministry and all the +paraphernalia of its military forces, to prevent the people from dying +of hunger, to light the cities by gas at the expense of the citizens, +to give warmth to every one by means of the sun which shines at the +forty-fifth degree of latitude, and to forbid every one, excepting the +tax-gatherers, to ask for money; it has labored hard to give to all +the main roads a more or less substantial pavement--but none of these +advantages of our fair Utopia is appreciated! The citizens want +something else. They are not ashamed to demand the right of traveling +over the roads at their own will, and of being informed where that +money given to the tax-gatherers goes. And, finally, the monarch will +soon be obliged, if we pay any attention to the chatter of certain +scribblers, to give to every individual a share in the throne or to +adopt certain revolutionary ideas, which are mere Punch and Judy shows +for the public, manipulated by a band of self-styled patriots, +riff-raff, always ready to sell their conscience for a million francs, +for an honest woman, or for a ducal coronet." + +"But, monsieur," I said, interrupting him, "while I perfectly agree +with you on this last point, the question remains, how will you escape +giving an answer to the just demands of your wife?" + +"Sir" he replied, "I shall do--I shall answer as the government +answers, that is, those governments which are not so stupid as the +opposition would make out to their constituents. I shall begin by +solemnly interdicting any arrangement, by virtue of which my wife will +be declared entirely free. I fully recognize her right to go wherever +it seems good to her, to write to whom she chooses, and to receive +letters, the contents of which I do not know. My wife shall have all +the rights that belong to an English Parliament; I shall let her talk +as much as she likes, discuss and propose strong and energetic +measures, but without the power to put them into execution, and then +after that--well, we shall see!" + +"By St. Joseph!" said I to myself, "Here is a man who understands the +science of marriage as well as I myself do. And then, you will see, +sir," I answered aloud, in order to obtain from him the fullest +revelation of his experience; "you will see, some fine morning, that +you are as big a fool as the next man." + +"Sir," he gravely replied, "allow me to finish what I was saying. Here +is what the great politicians call a theory, but in practice they can +make that theory vanish in smoke; and ministers possess in a greater +degree than even the lawyers of Normandy, the art of making fact yield +to fancy. M. de Metternich and M. de Pilat, men of the highest +authority, have been for a long time asking each other whether Europe +is in its right senses, whether it is dreaming, whether it knows +whither it is going, whether it has ever exercised its reason, a thing +impossible on the part of the masses, of nations and of women. M. de +Metternich and M. de Pilat are terrified to see this age carried away +by a passion for constitutions, as the preceding age was by the +passion for philosophy, as that of Luther was for a reform of abuses +in the Roman religion; for it truly seems as if different generations +of men were like those conspirators whose actions are directed to the +same end, as soon as the watchword has been given them. But their +alarm is a mistake, and it is on this point alone that I condemn them, +for they are right in their wish to enjoy power without permitting the +middle class to come on a fixed day from the depth of each of their +six kingdoms, to torment them. How could men of such remarkable talent +fail to divine that the constitutional comedy has in it a moral of +profound meaning, and to see that it is the very best policy to give +the age a bone to exercise its teeth upon! I think exactly as they do +on the subject of sovereignty. A power is a moral being as much +interested as a man is in self-preservation. This sentiment of +self-preservation is under the control of an essential principle which +may be expressed in three words--_to lose nothing_. But in order to +lose nothing, a power must grow or remain indefinite, for a power which +remains stationary is nullified. If it retrogrades, it is under the +control of something else, and loses its independent existence. I am +quite as well aware, as are those gentlemen, in what a false position +an unlimited power puts itself by making concessions; it allows to +another power whose essence is to expand a place within its own sphere +of activity. One of them will necessarily nullify the other, for every +existing thing aims at the greatest possible development of its own +forces. A power, therefore, never makes concessions which it does not +afterwards seek to retract. This struggle between two powers is the +basis on which stands the balance of government, whose elasticity so +mistakenly alarmed the patriarch of Austrian diplomacy, for comparing +comedy with comedy the least perilous and the most advantageous +administration is found in the seesaw system of the English and of the +French politics. These two countries have said to the people, 'You are +free;' and the people have been satisfied; they enter the government +like the zeros which give value to the unit. But if the people wish to +take an active part in the government, immediately they are treated, +like Sancho Panza, on that occasion when the squire, having become +sovereign over an island on terra firma, made an attempt at dinner to +eat the viands set before him. + +"Now we ought to parody this admirable scene in the management of our +homes. Thus, my wife has a perfect right to go out, provided she tell +me where she is going, how she is going, what is the business she is +engaged in when she is out and at what hour she will return. Instead +of demanding this information with the brutality of the police, who +will doubtless some day become perfect, I take pains to speak to her +in the most gracious terms. On my lips, in my eyes, in my whole +countenance, an expression plays, which indicates both curiosity and +indifference, seriousness and pleasantry, harshness and tenderness. +These little conjugal scenes are so full of vivacity, of tact and +address that it is a pleasure to take part in them. The very day on +which I took from the head of my wife the wreath of orange blossoms +which she wore, I understood that we were playing at a royal +coronation--the first scene in a comic pantomime!--I have my +gendarmes!--I have my guard royal!--I have my attorney general--that I +do!" he continued enthusiastically. "Do you think that I would allow +madame to go anywhere on foot unaccompanied by a lackey in livery? Is +not that the best style? Not to count the pleasure she takes in saying +to everybody, 'I have my people here.' It has always been a +conservative principle of mine that my times of exercise should +coincide with those of my wife, and for two years I have proved to her +that I take an ever fresh pleasure in giving her my arm. If the +weather is not suitable for walking, I try to teach her how to drive +with success a frisky horse; but I swear to you that I undertake this +in such a manner that she does not learn very quickly!--If either by +chance, or prompted by a deliberate wish, she takes measures to escape +without a passport, that is to say, alone in the carriage, have I not +a driver, a footman, a groom? My wife, therefore, go where she will, +takes with her a complete _Santa Hermandad_, and I am perfectly easy +in mind--But, my dear sir, there is abundance of means by which to +annul the charter of marriage by our manner of fulfilling it! I have +remarked that the manners of high society induce a habit of idleness +which absorbs half of the life of a woman without permitting her to +feel that she is alive. For my part, I have formed the project of +dexterously leading my wife along, up to her fortieth year, without +letting her think of adultery, just as poor Musson used to amuse +himself in leading some simple fellow from the Rue Saint-Denis to +Pierrefitte without letting him think that he had left the shadows of +St. Lew's tower." + +"How is it," I said, interrupting him, "that you have hit upon those +admirable methods of deception which I was intending to describe in a +Meditation entitled _The Act of Putting Death into Life!_ Alas! I +thought I was the first man to discover that science. The epigrammatic +title was suggested to me by an account which a young doctor gave me +of an excellent composition of Crabbe, as yet unpublished. In this +work, the English poet has introduced a fantastic being called _Life +in Death_. This personage crosses the oceans of the world in pursuit +of a living skeleton called _Death in Life_--I recollect at the time +very few people, among the guests of a certain elegant translator of +English poetry, understood the mystic meaning of a fable as true as it +was fanciful. Myself alone, perhaps, as I sat buried in silence, +thought of the whole generations which as they were hurried along by +life, passed on their way without living. Before my eyes rose faces of +women by the million, by the myriad, all dead, all disappointed and +shedding tears of despair, as they looked back upon the lost moments +of their ignorant youth. In the distance I saw a playful Meditation +rise to birth, I heard the satanic laughter which ran through it, and +now you doubtless are about to kill it.--But come, tell me in +confidence what means you have discovered by which to assist a woman +to squander the swift moments during which her beauty is at its full +flower and her desires at their full strength.--Perhaps you have some +stratagems, some clever devices, to describe to me--" + +The viscount began to laugh at this literary disappointment of mine, +and he said to me, with a self-satisfied air: + +"My wife, like all the young people of our happy century, has been +accustomed, for three or four consecutive years, to press her fingers +on the keys of a piano, a long-suffering instrument. She has hammered +out Beethoven, warbled the airs of Rossini and run through the +exercises of Crammer. I had already taken pains to convince her of the +excellence of music; to attain this end, I have applauded her, I have +listened without yawning to the most tiresome sonatas in the world, +and I have at last consented to give her a box at the Bouffons. I have +thus gained three quiet evenings out of the seven which God has +created in the week. I am the mainstay of the music shops. At Paris +there are drawing-rooms which exactly resemble the musical snuff-boxes +of Germany. They are a sort of continuous orchestra to which I +regularly go in search of that surfeit of harmony which my wife calls +a concert. But most part of the time my wife keeps herself buried in +her music-books--" + +"But, my dear sir, do you not recognize the danger that lies in +cultivating in a woman a taste for singing, and allowing her to yield +to all the excitements of a sedentary life? It is only less dangerous +to make her feed on mutton and drink cold water." + +"My wife never eats anything but the white meat of poultry, and I +always take care that a ball shall come after a concert and a +reception after an Opera! I have also succeeded in making her lie down +between one and two in the day. Ah! my dear sir, the benefits of this +nap are incalculable! In the first place each necessary pleasure is +accorded as a favor, and I am considered to be constantly carrying out +my wife's wishes. And then I lead her to imagine, without saying a +single word, that she is being constantly amused every day from six +o'clock in the evening, the time of our dinner and of her toilet, +until eleven o'clock in the morning, the time when we get up." + +"Ah! sir, how grateful you ought to be for a life which is so +completely filled up!" + +"I have scarcely more than three dangerous hours a day to pass; but +she has, of course, sonatas to practice and airs to go over, and there +are always rides in the Bois de Boulogne, carriages to try, visits to +pay, etc. But this is not all. The fairest ornament of a woman is the +most exquisite cleanliness. A woman cannot be too particular in this +respect, and no pains she takes can be laughed at. Now her toilet has +also suggested to me a method of thus consuming the best hours of the +day in bathing." + +"How lucky I am in finding a listener like you!" I cried; "truly, sir, +you could waste for her four hours a day, if only you were willing to +teach her an art quite unknown to the most fastidious of our modern +fine ladies. Why don't you enumerate to the viscountess the +astonishing precautions manifest in the Oriental luxury of the Roman +dames? Give her the names of the slaves merely employed for the bath +in Poppea's palace: the _unctores_, the _fricatores_, the +_alipilarili_, the _dropacistae_, the _paratiltriae_, the +_picatrices_, the _tracatrices_, the swan whiteners, and all the rest. +--Talk to her about this multitude of slaves whose names are given by +Mirabeau in his _Erotika Biblion_. If she tries to secure the services +of all these people you will have the fine times of quietness, not to +speak of the personal satisfaction which will redound to you yourself +from the introduction into your house of the system invented by these +illustrious Romans, whose hair, artistically arranged, was deluged +with perfumes, whose smallest vein seemed to have acquired fresh blood +from the myrrh, the lint, the perfume, the douches, the flowers of the +bath, all of which were enjoyed to the strains of voluptuous music." + +"Ah! sir," continued the husband, who was warming to his subject, "can +I not find also admirable pretexts in my solicitude for her heath? Her +health, so dear and precious to me, forces me to forbid her going out +in bad weather, and thus I gain a quarter of the year. And I have also +introduced the charming custom of kissing when either of us goes out, +this parting kiss being accompanied with the words, 'My sweet angel, I +am going out.' Finally, I have taken measures for the future to make +my wife as truly a prisoner in the house as the conscript in his +sentry box! For I have inspired her with an incredible enthusiasm for +the sacred duties of maternity." + +"You do it by opposing her?" I asked. + +"You have guessed it," he answered, laughing. "I have maintained to +her that it is impossible for a woman of the world to discharge her +duties towards society, to manage her household, to devote herself to +fashion, as well as to the wishes of her husband, whom she loves, and, +at the same time, to rear children. She then avers that, after the +example of Cato, who wished to see how the nurse changed the swaddling +bands of the infant Pompey, she would never leave to others the least +of the services required in shaping the susceptible minds and tender +bodies of these little creatures whose education begins in the cradle. +You understand, sir, that my conjugal diplomacy would not be of much +service to me unless, after having put my wife in solitary +confinement, I did not also employ a certain harmless machiavelism, +which consists in begging her to do whatever she likes, and asking her +advice in every circumstance and on every contingency. As this +delusive liberty has entirely deceived a creature so high-minded as +she is, I have taken pains to stop at no sacrifice which would +convince Madame de V----- that she is the freest woman in Paris; and, +in order to attain this end, I take care not to commit those gross +political blunders into which our ministers so often fall." + +"I can see you," said I, "when you wish to cheat your wife out of some +right granted her by the charter, I can see you putting on a mild and +deliberate air, hiding your dagger under a bouquet of roses, and as +you plunge it cautiously into her heart, saying to her with a friendly +voice, 'My darling, does it hurt?' and she, like those on whose toes +you tread in a crowd, will probably reply, 'Not in the least.'" + +He could not restrain a laugh and said: + +"Won't my wife be astonished at the Last Judgment?" + +"I scarcely know," I replied, "whether you or she will be most +astonished." + +The jealous man frowned, but his face resumed its calmness as I added: + +"I am truly grateful, sir, to the chance which has given me the +pleasure of your acquaintance. Without the assistance of your remarks +I should have been less successful than you have been in developing +certain ideas which we possess in common. I beg of you that you will +give me leave to publish this conversation. Statements which you and I +find pregnant with high political conceptions, others perhaps will +think characterized by more or less cutting irony, and I shall pass +for a clever fellow in the eyes of both parties." + +While I thus tried to express my thanks to the viscount (the first +husband after my heart that I had met with), he took me once more +through his apartments, where everything seemed to be beyond +criticism. + +I was about to take leave of him, when opening the door of a little +boudoir he showed me a room with an air which seemed to say, "Is there +any way by which the least irregularity should occur without my seeing +it?" + +I replied to this silent interrogation by an inclination of the head, +such as guests make to their Amphytrion when they taste some +exceptionally choice dish. + +"My whole system," he said to me in a whisper, "was suggested to me by +three words which my father heard Napoleon pronounce at a crowded +council of state, when divorce was the subject of conversation. +'Adultery,' he exclaimed, 'is merely a matter of opportunity!' See, +then, I have changed these accessories of crime, so that they become +spies," added the councillor, pointing out to me a divan covered with +tea-colored cashmere, the cushions of which were slightly pressed. +"Notice that impression,--I learn from it that my wife has had a +headache, and has been reclining there." + +We stepped toward the divan, and saw the word FOOL lightly traced upon +the fatal cushion, by four + + + Things that I know not, plucked by lover's hand + From Cypris' orchard, where the fairy band + Are dancing, once by nobles thought to be + Worthy an order of new chivalry, + A brotherhood, wherein, with script of gold, + More mortal men than gods should be enrolled. + + +"Nobody in my house has black hair!" said the husband, growing pale. + +I hurried away, for I was seized with an irresistible fit of laughter, +which I could not easily overcome. + +"That man has met his judgment day!" I said to myself; "all the +barriers by which he has surrounded her have only been instrumental in +adding to the intensity of her pleasures!" + +This idea saddened me. The adventure destroyed from summit to +foundation three of my most important Meditations, and the catholic +infallibility of my book was assailed in its most essential point. I +would gladly have paid to establish the fidelity of the Viscountess +V----- a sum as great as very many people would have offered to secure +her surrender. But alas! my money will now be kept by me. + +Three days afterwards I met the councillor in the foyer of the +Italiens. As soon as he saw me he rushed up. Impelled by a sort of +modesty I tried to avoid him, but grasping my arm: "Ah! I have just +passed three cruel days," he whispered in my ear. "Fortunately my wife +is as innocent as perhaps a new-born babe--" + +"You have already told me that the viscountess was extremely +ingenious," I said, with unfeeling gaiety. + +"Oh!" he said, "I gladly take a joke this evening; for this morning I +had irrefragable proofs of my wife's fidelity. I had risen very early +to finish a piece of work for which I had been rushed, and in looking +absently in my garden, I suddenly saw the _valet de chambre_ of a +general, whose house is next to mine, climbing over the wall. My +wife's maid, poking her head from the vestibule, was stroking my dog +and covering the retreat of the gallant. I took my opera glass and +examined the intruder--his hair was jet black!--Ah! never have I seen +a Christian face that gave me more delight! And you may well believe +that during the day all my perplexities vanished. So, my dear sir," he +continued, "if you marry, let your dog loose and put broken bottles +over the top of your walls." + +"And did the viscountess perceive your distress during these three +days? + +"Do you take me for a child?" he said, shrugging his shoulders. "I +have never been so merry in all my life as I have been since we met." + +"You are a great man unrecognized," I cried, "and you are not--" + +He did not permit me to conclude; for he had disappeared on seeing one +of his friends who approached as if to greet the viscountess. + +Now what can we add that would not be a tedious paraphrase of the +lessons suggested by this conversation? All is included in it, either +as seed or fruit. Nevertheless, you see, O husband! that your +happiness hangs on a hair. + + + + MEDITATION XVII. + + THE THEORY OF THE BED. + +It was about seven o'clock in the evening. They were seated upon the +academic armchairs, which made a semi-circle round a huge hearth, on +which a coal fire was burning fitfully--symbol of the burning subject +of their important deliberations. It was easy to guess, on seeing the +grave but earnest faces of all the members of this assembly, that they +were called upon to pronounce sentence upon the life, the fortunes and +the happiness of people like themselves. They had no commission +excepting that of their conscience, and they gathered there as the +assessors of an ancient and mysterious tribunal; but they represented +interests much more important than those of kings or of peoples; they +spoke in the name of the passions and on behalf of the happiness of +the numberless generations which should succeed them. + +The grandson of the celebrated Boulle was seated before a round table +on which were placed the criminal exhibits which had been collected +with remarkable intelligence. I, the insignificant secretary of the +meeting, occupied a place at this desk, where it was my office to take +down a report of the meeting. + +"Gentlemen," said an old man, "the first question upon which we have +to deliberate is found clearly stated in the following passage of a +letter. The letter was written to the Princess of Wales, Caroline of +Anspach, by the widow of the Duke of Orleans, brother of Louis XIV, +mother of the Regent: 'The Queen of Spain has a method of making her +husband say exactly what she wishes. The king is a religious man; he +believes that he will be damned if he touched any woman but his wife, +and still this excellent prince is of a very amorous temperament. Thus +the queen obtains her every wish. She has placed castors on her +husband's bed. If he refuses her anything, she pushes the bed away. If +he grants her request, the beds stand side by side, and she admits him +into hers. And so the king is highly delighted, since he likes -----' +I will not go any further, gentlemen, for the virtuous frankness of +the German princess might in this assembly be charged with +immorality." + +Should wise husbands adopt these beds on castors? This is the problem +which we have to solve. + +The unanimity of the vote left no doubt about the opinion of the +assembly. I was ordered to inscribe in the records, that if two +married people slept on two separate beds in the same room the beds +ought not to be set on castors. + +"With this proviso," put in one of the members, "that the present +decision should have no bearing on any subsequent ruling upon the best +arrangement of the beds of married people." + +The president passed to me a choicely bound volume, in which was +contained the original edition, published in 1788, of the letters of +Charlotte Elizabeth de Baviere, widow of the Duke of Orleans, the only +brother of Louis XIV, and, while I was transcribing the passage +already quoted, he said: + +"But, gentlemen, you must all have received at your houses the +notification in which the second question is stated." + +"I rise to make an observation," exclaimed the youngest of the jealous +husbands there assembled. + +The president took his seat with a gesture of assent. + +"Gentlemen," said the young husband, "are we quite prepared to +deliberate upon so grave a question as that which is presented by the +universally bad arrangement of the beds? Is there not here a much +wider question than that of mere cabinet-making to decide? For my own +part I see in it a question which concerns that of universal human +intellect. The mysteries of conception, gentlemen, are still enveloped +in a darkness which modern science has but partially dissipated. We do +not know how far external circumstances influence the microscopic +beings whose discovery is due to the unwearied patience of Hill, +Baker, Joblot, Eichorn, Gleichen, Spallanzani, and especially of +Muller, and last of all of M. Bory de Saint Vincent. The imperfections +of the bed opens up a musical question of the highest importance, and +for my part I declare I shall write to Italy to obtain clear +information as to the manner in which beds are generally arranged. We +do not know whether there are in the Italian bed numerous curtain +rods, screws and castors, or whether the construction of beds is in +this country more faulty than everywhere else, or whether the dryness +of timber in Italy, due to the influence of the sun, does not _ab ovo_ +produce the harmony, the sense of which is to so large an extent +innate in Italians. For these reasons I move that we adjourn." + +"What!" cried a gentleman from the West, impatiently rising to his +feet, "are we here to dilate upon the advancement of music? What we +have to consider first of all is manners, and the moral question is +paramount in this discussion." + +"Nevertheless," remarked one of the most influential members of the +council, "the suggestion of the former speaker is not in my opinion to +be passed by. In the last century, gentlemen, Sterne, one of the +writers most philosophically delightful and most delightfully +philosophic, complained of the carelessness with which human beings +were procreated; 'Shame!' he cried 'that he who copies the divine +physiognomy of man receives crowns and applause, but he who achieves +the masterpiece, the prototype of mimic art, feels that like virtue he +must be his own reward.' + +"Ought we not to feel more interest in the improvement of the human +race than in that of horses? Gentlemen, I passed through a little town +of Orleanais where the whole population consisted of hunchbacks, of +glum and gloomy people, veritable children of sorrow, and the remark +of the former speaker caused me to recollect that all the beds were in +a very bad condition and the bedchambers presented nothing to the eyes +of the married couple but what was hideous and revolting. Ah! +gentlemen, how is it possible that our minds should be in an ideal +state, when instead of the music of angels flying here and there in +the bosom of that heaven to which we have attained, our ears are +assailed by the most detestable, the most angry, the most piercing of +human cries and lamentations? We are perhaps indebted for the fine +geniuses who have honored humanity to beds which are solidly +constructed; and the turbulent population which caused the French +Revolution were conceived perhaps upon a multitude of tottering +couches, with twisted and unstable legs; while the Orientals, who are +such a beautiful race, have a unique method of making their beds. I +vote for the adjournment." + +And the gentleman sat down. + +A man belonging to the sect of Methodists arose. "Why should we change +the subject of debate? We are not dealing here with the improvement of +the race nor with the perfecting of the work. We must not lose sight +of the interests of the jealous husband and the principles on which +moral soundness is based. Don't you know that the noise of which you +complain seems more terrible to the wife uncertain of her crime, than +the trumpet of the Last Judgment? Can you forget that a suit for +infidelity could never be won by a husband excepting through this +conjugal noise? I will undertake, gentlemen, to refer to the divorces +of Lord Abergavenny, of Viscount Bolingbroke, of the late Queen +Caroline, of Eliza Draper, of Madame Harris, in fact, of all those who +are mentioned in the twenty volumes published by--." (The secretary +did not distinctly hear the name of the English publisher.) + +The motion to adjourn was carried. The youngest member proposed to +make up a purse for the author producing the best dissertation +addressed to the society upon a subject which Sterne considered of +such importance; but at the end of the seance eighteen shillings was +the total sum found in the hat of the president. + +The above debate of the society, which had recently been formed in +London for the improvement of manners and of marriage and which Lord +Byron scoffed at, was transmitted to us by the kindness of W. Hawkins, +Esq., cousin-german of the famous Captain Clutterbuck. The extract may +serve to solve any difficulties which may occur in the theory of bed +construction. + +But the author of the book considers that the English society has +given too much importance to this preliminary question. There exists +in fact quite as many reasons for being a _Rossinist_ as for being a +_Solidist_ in the matter of beds, and the author acknowledges that it +is either beneath or above him to solve this difficulty. He thinks +with Laurence Sterne that it is a disgrace to European civilization +that there exist so few physiological observations on callipedy, and +he refuses to state the results of his Meditations on this subject, +because it would be difficult to formulate them in terms of prudery, +and they would be but little understood, and misinterpreted. Such +reserve produces an hiatus in this part of the book; but the author +has the pleasant satisfaction of leaving a fourth work to be +accomplished by the next century, to which he bequeaths the legacy of +all that he has not accomplished, a negative munificence which may +well be followed by all those who may be troubled by an overplus of +ideas. + +The theory of the bed presents questions much more important than +those put forth by our neighbors with regard to castors and the +murmurs of criminal conversation. + +We know only three ways in which a bed (in the general sense of this +term) may be arranged among civilized nations, and particularly among +the privileged classes to whom this book is addressed. These three +ways are as follows: + + + 1. TWIN BEDS. + 2. SEPARATE ROOMS. + 3. ONE BED FOR BOTH. + + +Before applying ourselves to the examination of these three methods of +living together, which must necessarily have different influences upon +the happiness of husbands and wives, we must take a rapid survey of +the practical object served by the bed and the part it plays in the +political economy of human existence. + +The most incontrovertible principle which can be laid down in this +matter is, _that the bed was made to sleep upon_. + +It would be easy to prove that the practice of sleeping together was +established between married people but recently, in comparison with +the antiquity of marriage. + +By what reasonings has man arrived at that point in which he brought +in vogue a practice so fatal to happiness, to health, even to +_amour-propre_? Here we have a subject which it would be curious to +investigate. + +If you knew one of your rivals who had discovered a method of placing +you in a position of extreme absurdity before the eyes of those who +were dearest to you--for instance, while you had your mouth crooked +like that of a theatrical mask, or while your eloquent lips, like the +copper faucet of a scanty fountain, dripped pure water--you would +probably stab him. This rival is sleep. Is there a man in the world +who knows how he appears to others, and what he does when he is +asleep? + +In sleep we are living corpses, we are the prey of an unknown power +which seizes us in spite of ourselves, and shows itself in the oddest +shapes; some have a sleep which is intellectual, while the sleep of +others is mere stupor. + +There are some people who slumber with their mouths open in the +silliest fashion. + +There are others who snore loud enough to make the timbers shake. + +Most people look like the impish devils that Michael Angelo +sculptured, putting out their tongues in silent mockery of the +passers-by. + +The only person I know of in the world who sleeps with a noble air is +Agamemnon, whom Guerin has represented lying on his bed at the moment +when Clytemnestra, urged by Egisthus, advances to slay him. Moreover, +I have always had an ambition to hold myself on my pillow as the king +of kings Agamemnon holds himself, from the day that I was seized with +dread of being seen during sleep by any other eyes than those of +Providence. In the same way, too, from the day I heard my old nurse +snorting in her sleep "like a whale," to use a slang expression, I +have added a petition to the special litany which I address to +Saint-Honore, my patron saint, to the effect that he would save me +from indulging in this sort of eloquence. + +When a man wakes up in the morning, his drowsy face grotesquely +surmounted by the folds of a silk handkerchief which falls over his +left temple like a police cap, he is certainly a laughable object, and +it is difficult to recognize in him the glorious spouse, celebrated in +the strophes of Rousseau; but, nevertheless, there is a certain gleam +of life to illume the stupidity of a countenance half dead--and if you +artists wish to make fine sketches, you should travel on the +stage-coach and, when the postilion wakes up the postmaster, just +examine the physiognomies of the departmental clerks! But, were you a +hundred times as pleasant to look upon as are these bureaucratic +physiognomies, at least, while you have your mouth shut, your eyes are +open, and you have some expression in your countenance. Do you know +how you looked an hour before you awoke, or during the first hour of +your sleep, when you were neither a man nor an animal, but merely a +thing, subject to the dominion of those dreams which issue from the +gate of horn? But this is a secret between your wife and God. + +Is it for the purpose of insinuating the imbecility of slumber that +the Romans decorated the heads of their beds with the head of an ass? +We leave to the gentlemen who form the academy of inscriptions the +elucidation of this point. + +Assuredly, the first man who took it into his head, at the inspiration +of the devil, not to leave his wife, even while she was asleep, should +know how to sleep in the very best style; but do not forget to reckon +among the sciences necessary to a man on setting up an establishment, +the art of sleeping with elegance. Moreover, we will place here as a +corollary to Axiom XXV of our Marriage Catechism the two following +aphorisms: + + + A husband should sleep as lightly as a watch-dog, so as never to + be caught with his eyes shut. + + + A man should accustom himself from childhood to go to bed + bareheaded. + + +Certain poets discern in modesty, in the alleged mysteries of love, +some reason why the married couple should share the same bed; but the +fact must be recognized that if primitive men sought the shade of +caverns, the mossy couch of deep ravines, the flinty roof of grottoes +to protect his pleasure, it was because the delight of love left him +without defence against his enemies. No, it is not more natural to lay +two heads upon the same pillow, than it is reasonable to tie a strip +of muslin round the neck. Civilization is come. It has shut up a +million of men within an area of four square leagues; it has stalled +them in streets, houses, apartments, rooms, and chambers eight feet +square; after a time it will make them shut up one upon another like +the tubes of a telescope. + +From this cause and from many others, such as thrift, fear, and +ill-concealed jealousy, has sprung the custom of the sleeping together +of the married couple; and this custom has given rise to punctuality +and simultaneity in rising and retiring. + +And here you find the most capricious thing in the world, the feeling +most pre-eminently fickle, the thing which is worthless without its +own spontaneous inspiration, which takes all its charm from the +suddenness of its desires, which owes its attractions to the +genuineness of its outbursts--this thing we call love, subjugated to a +monastic rule, to that law of geometry which belongs to the Board of +Longitude! + +If I were a father I should hate the child, who, punctual as the +clock, had every morning and evening an explosion of tenderness and +wished me good-day and good-evening, because he was ordered to do so. +It is in this way that all that is generous and spontaneous in human +sentiment becomes strangled at its birth. You may judge from this what +love means when it is bound to a fixed hour! + +Only the Author of everything can make the sun rise and set, morn and +eve, with a pomp invariably brilliant and always new, and no one here +below, if we may be permitted to use the hyperbole of Jean-Baptiste +Rousseau, can play the role of the sun. + +From these preliminary observations, we conclude that it is not +natural for two to lie under the canopy in the same bed; + +That a man is almost always ridiculous when he is asleep; + +And that this constant living together threatens the husband with +inevitable dangers. + +We are going to try, therefore, to find out a method which will bring +our customs in harmony with the laws of nature, and to combine custom +and nature in a way that will enable a husband to find in the mahogany +of his bed a useful ally, and an aid in defending himself. + + + 1. TWIN BEDS. + +If the most brilliant, the best-looking, the cleverest of husbands +wishes to find himself minotaurized just as the first year of his +married life ends, he will infallibly attain that end if he is unwise +enough to place two beds side by side, under the voluptuous dome of +the same alcove. + +The argument in support of this may be briefly stated. The following +are its main lines: + +The first husband who invented the twin beds was doubtless an +obstetrician, who feared that in the involuntary struggles of some +dream he might kick the child borne by his wife. + +But no, he was rather some predestined one who distrusted his power of +checking a snore. + +Perhaps it was some young man who, fearing the excess of his own +tenderness, found himself always lying at the edge of the bed and in +danger of tumbling off, or so near to a charming wife that he +disturbed her slumber. + +But may it not have been some Maintenon who received the suggestion +from her confessor, or, more probably, some ambitious woman who wished +to rule her husband? Or, more undoubtedly, some pretty little +Pompadour overcome by that Parisian infirmity so pleasantly described +by M. de Maurepas in that quatrain which cost him his protracted +disgrace and certainly contributed to the disasters of Louis XVI's +reign: + + + "Iris, we love those features sweet, + Your graces all are fresh and free; + And flowerets spring beneath your feet, + Where naught, alas! but flowers are seen." + + +But why should it not have been a philosopher who dreaded the +disenchantment which a woman would experience at the sight of a man +asleep? And such a one would always roll himself up in a coverlet and +keep his head bare. + +Unknown author of this Jesuitical method, whoever thou art, in the +devil's name, we hail thee as a brother! Thou hast been the cause of +many disasters. Thy work has the character of all half measures; it is +satisfactory in no respect, and shares the bad points of the two other +methods without yielding the advantages of either. How can the man of +the nineteenth century, how can this creature so supremely +intelligent, who has displayed a power well-nigh supernatural, who has +employed the resources of his genius in concealing the machinery of +his life, in deifying his necessary cravings in order that he might +not despise them, going so far as to wrest from Chinese leaves, from +Egyptian beans, from seeds of Mexico, their perfume, their treasure, +their soul; going so far as to chisel the diamond, chase the silver, +melt the gold ore, paint the clay and woo every art that may serve to +decorate and to dignify the bowl from which he feeds!--how can this +king, after having hidden under folds of muslin covered with diamonds, +studded with rubies, and buried under linen, under folds of cotton, +under the rich hues of silk, under the fairy patterns of lace, the +partner of his wretchedness, how can he induce her to make shipwreck +in the midst of all this luxury on the decks of two beds. What +advantage is it that we have made the whole universe subserve our +existence, our delusions, the poesy of our life? What good is it to +have instituted law, morals and religion, if the invention of an +upholsterer [for probably it was an upholsterer who invented the twin +beds] robs our love of all its illusions, strips it bare of the +majestic company of its delights and gives it in their stead nothing +but what is ugliest and most odious? For this is the whole history of +the two bed system. + + + LXIII. +That it shall appear either sublime or grotesque are the alternatives + to which we have reduced a desire. + + +If it be shared, our love is sublime; but should you sleep in twin +beds, your love will always be grotesque. The absurdities which this +half separation occasions may be comprised in either one of two +situations, which will give us occasion to reveal the causes of very +many marital misfortunes. + +Midnight is approaching as a young woman is putting on her curl papers +and yawning as she did so. I do not know whether her melancholy +proceeded from a headache, seated in the right or left lobe of her +brain, or whether she was passing through one of those seasons of +weariness during which all things appear black to us; but to see her +negligently putting up her hair for the night, to see her languidly +raising her leg to take off her garter, it seemed to me that she would +prefer to be drowned rather than to be denied the relief of plunging +her draggled life into the slumber that might restore it. At this +instant, I know not to what degree from the North Pole she stands, +whether at Spitzberg or in Greenland. Cold and indifferent she goes to +bed thinking, as Mistress Walter Shandy might have thought, that the +morrow would be a day of sickness, that her husband is coming home +very late, that the beaten eggs which she has just eaten were not +sufficiently sweetened, that she owes more than five hundred francs to +her dressmaker; in fine, thinking about everything which you may +suppose would occupy the mind of a tired woman. In the meanwhile +arrives her great lout of a husband, who, after some business meeting, +has drunk punch, with a consequent elation. He takes off his boots, +leaves his stockings on a lounge, his bootjack lies before the +fireplace; and wrapping his head up in a red silk handkerchief, +without giving himself the trouble to tuck in the corners, he fires +off at his wife certain interjectory phrases, those little marital +endearments, which form almost the whole conversation at those +twilight hours, where drowsy reason is no longer shining in this +mechanism of ours. "What, in bed already! It was devilish cold this +evening! Why don't you speak, my pet? You've already rolled yourself +up in bed, then! Ah! you are in the dumps and pretend to be asleep!" +These exclamations are mingled with yawns; and after numberless little +incidents which according to the usage of each home vary this preface +of the night, our friend flings himself into his own bed with a heavy +thud. + +Alas! before a woman who is cold, how mad a man must appear when +desire renders him alternately angry and tender, insolent and abject, +biting as an epigram and soothing as a madrigal; when he enacts with +more or less sprightliness the scene where, in _Venice Preserved_, the +genius of Orway has represented the senator Antonio, repeating a +hundred times over at the feet of Aquilina: "Aquilina, Quilina, Lina, +Aqui, Nacki!" without winning from her aught save the stroke of her +whip, inasmuch as he has undertaken to fawn upon her like a dog. In +the eyes of every woman, even of a lawful wife, the more a man shows +eager passion under these circumstances, the more silly he appears. He +is odious when he commands, he is minotaurized if he abuses his power. +On this point I would remind you of certain aphorisms in the marriage +catechism from which you will see that you are violating its most +sacred precepts. Whether a woman yields, or does not yield, this +institution of twin beds gives to marriage such an element of +roughness and nakedness that the most chaste wife and the most +intelligent husband are led to immodesty. + +This scene, which is enacted in a thousand ways and which may +originate in a thousand different incidents, has a sequel in that +other situation which, while it is less pleasant, is far more +terrible. + +One evening when I was talking about these serious matters with the +late Comte de Noce, of whom I have already had occasion to speak, a +tall white-haired old man, his intimate friend, whose name I will not +give, because he is still alive, looked at us with a somewhat +melancholy air. We guessed that he was about to relate some tale of +scandal, and we accordingly watched him, somewhat as the stenographer +of the _Moniteur_ might watch, as he mounted the tribune, a minister +whose speech had already been written out for the reporter. The +story-teller on this occasion was an old marquis, whose fortune, +together with his wife and children, had perished in the disasters of +the Revolution. The marchioness had been one of the most inconsistent +women of the past generation; the marquis accordingly was not wanting +in observations on feminine human nature. Having reached an age in +which he saw nothing before him but the gulf of the grave, he spoke +about himself as if the subject of his talk were Mark Antony or +Cleopatra. + +"My young friend"--he did me the honor to address me, for it was I who +made the last remark in this discussion--"your reflections make me +think of a certain evening, in the course of which one of my friends +conducted himself in such a manner as to lose forever the respect of +his wife. Now, in those days a woman could take vengeance with +marvelous facility--for it was always a word and a blow. The married +couple I speak of were particular in sleeping on separate beds, with +their head under the arch of the same alcove. They came home one night +from a brilliant ball given by the Comte de Mercy, ambassador of the +emperor. The husband had lost a considerable sum at play, so he was +completely absorbed in thought. He had to pay a debt, the next day, of +six thousand crowns!--and you will recollect, Noce, that a hundred +crowns couldn't be made up from scraping together the resources of ten +such musketeers. The young woman, as generally happens under such +circumstances, was in a gale of high spirits. 'Give to the marquis,' +she said to a _valet de chambre_, 'all that he requires for his +toilet.' In those days people dressed for the night. These +extraordinary words did not rouse the husband from his mood of +abstraction, and then madame, assisted by her maid, began to indulge +in a thousand coquetries. 'Was my appearance to your taste this +evening?' 'You are always to my taste,' answered the marquis, +continuing to stride up and down the room. 'You are very gloomy! Come +and talk to me, you frowning lover,' said she, placing herself before +him in the most seductive negligee. But you can have no idea of the +enchantments of the marchioness unless you had known her. Ah! you have +seen her, Noce!" he said with a mocking smile. "Finally, in spite of +all her allurements and beauty, the marchioness was lost sight of amid +thoughts of the six thousand crowns which this fool of a husband could +not get out of his head, and she went to bed all alone. But women +always have one resource left; so that the moment that the good +husband made as though he would get into his bed, the marchioness +cried, 'Oh, how cold I am!' 'So am I,' he replied. 'How is it that the +servants have not warmed our beds?'--And then I rang." + +The Comte de Noce could not help laughing, and the old marquis, quite +put out of countenance, stopped short. + +Not to divine the desire of a wife, to snore while she lies awake, to +be in Siberia when she is in the tropics, these are the slighter +disadvantages of twin beds. What risks will not a passionate woman run +when she becomes aware that her husband is a heavy sleeper? + +I am indebted to Beyle for an Italian anecdote, to which his dry and +sarcastic manner lent an infinite charm, as he told me this tale of +feminine hardihood. + +Ludovico had his palace at one end of the town of Milan; at the other +was that of the Countess of Pernetti. At midnight, on a certain +occasion, Ludovico resolved, at the peril of his life, to make a rash +expedition for the sake of gazing for one second on the face he +adored, and accordingly appeared as if by magic in the palace of his +well-beloved. He reached the nuptial chamber. Elisa Pernetti, whose +heart most probably shared the desire of her lover, heard the sound of +his footsteps and divined his intention. She saw through the walls of +her chamber a countenance glowing with love. She rose from her +marriage bed, light as a shadow she glided to the threshold of her +door, with a look she embraced him, she seized his hand, she made a +sign to him, she drew him in. + +"But he will kill you!" said he. + +"Perhaps so." + +But all this amounts to nothing. Let us grant that most husbands sleep +lightly. Let us grant that they sleep without snoring, and that they +always discern the degree of latitude at which their wives are to be +found. Moreover, all the reasons which we have given why twin beds +should be condemned, let us consider but dust in the balance. But, +after all, a final consideration would make us also proscribe the use +of beds ranged within the limits of the same alcove. + +To a man placed in the position of a husband, there are circumstances +which have led us to consider the nuptial couch as an actual means of +defence. For it is only in bed that a man can tell whether his wife's +love is increasing or decreasing. It is the conjugal barometer. Now to +sleep in twin beds is to wish for ignorance. You will understand, when +we come to treat of _civil war_ (See Part Third) of what extreme +usefulness a bed is and how many secrets a wife reveals in bed, +without knowing it. + +Do not therefore allow yourself to be led astray by the specious good +nature of such an institution as that of twin beds. + +It is the silliest, the most treacherous, the most dangerous in the +world. Shame and anathema to him who conceived it! + +But in proportion as this method is pernicious in the case of young +married people, it is salutary and advantageous for those who have +reached the twentieth year of married life. Husband and wife can then +most conveniently indulge their duets of snoring. It will, moreover, +be more convenient for their various maladies, whether rheumatism, +obstinate gout, or even the taking of a pinch of snuff; and the cough +or the snore will not in any respect prove a greater hindrance than it +is found to be in any other arrangement. + +We have not thought it necessary to mention the exceptional cases +which authorize a husband to resort to twin beds. However, the opinion +of Bonaparte was that when once there had taken place an interchange +of life and breath (such are his words), nothing, not even sickness, +should separate married people. This point is so delicate that it is +not possible here to treat it methodically. + +Certain narrow minds will object that there are certain patriarchal +families whose legislation of love is inflexible in the matter of two +beds and an alcove, and that, by this arrangement, they have been +happy from generation to generation. But, the only answer that the +author vouchsafes to this is that he knows a great many respectable +people who pass their lives in watching games of billiards. + + + 2. SEPARATE ROOMS. + +There cannot be found in Europe a hundred husbands of each nation +sufficiently versed in the science of marriage, or if you like, of +life, to be able to dwell in an apartment separate from that of their +wives. + +The power of putting this system into practice shows the highest +degree of intellectual and masculine force. + +The married couple who dwell in separate apartments have become either +divorced, or have attained to the discovery of happiness. They either +abominate or adore each other. We will not undertake to detail here +the admirable precepts which may be deduced from this theory whose end +is to make constancy and fidelity easy and delightful. It may be +sufficient to declare that by this system alone two married people can +realize the dream of many noble souls. This will be understood by all +the faithful. + +As for the profane, their curious questionings will be sufficiently +answered by the remark that the object of this institution is to give +happiness to one woman. Which among them will be willing to deprive +general society of any share in the talents with which they think +themselves endowed, to the advantage of one woman? Nevertheless, the +rendering of his mistress happy gives any one the fairest title to +glory which can be earned in this valley of Jehosaphat, since, +according to Genesis, Eve was not satisfied even with a terrestrial +Paradise. She desired to taste the forbidden fruit, the eternal emblem +of adultery. + +But there is an insurmountable reason why we should refrain from +developing this brilliant theory. It would cause a digression from the +main theme of our work. In the situation which we have supposed to be +that of a married establishment, a man who is sufficiently unwise to +sleep apart from his wife deserves no pity for the disaster which he +himself invites. + +Let us then resume our subject. Every man is not strong enough to +undertake to occupy an apartment separate from that of his wife; +although any man might derive as much good as evil from the +difficulties which exist in using but one bed. + +We now proceed to solve the difficulties which superficial minds may +detect in this method, for which our predilection is manifest. + +But this paragraph, which is in some sort a silent one, inasmuch as we +leave it to the commentaries which will be made in more than one home, +may serve as a pedestal for the imposing figure of Lycurgus, that +ancient legislator, to whom the Greeks are indebted for their +profoundest thoughts on the subject of marriage. May his system be +understood by future generations! And if modern manners are too much +given to softness to adopt his system in its entirety, they may at +least be imbued with the robust spirit of this admirable code. + + + 3. ONE BED FOR BOTH. + +On a night in December, Frederick the Great looked up at the sky, +whose stars were twinkling with that clear and living light which +presages heavy frost, and he exclaimed, "This weather will result in a +great many soldiers to Prussia." + +The king expressed here, by a single phrase, the principal +disadvantage which results from the constant living together of +married people. Although it may be permitted to Napoleon and to +Frederick to estimate the value of a woman more or less according to +the number of her children, yet a husband of talent ought, according +to the maxims of the thirteenth Meditation, to consider +child-begetting merely as a means of defence, and it is for him to +know to what extent it may take place. + +The observation leads into mysteries from which the physiological Muse +recoils. She has been quite willing to enter the nuptial chambers +while they are occupied, but she is a virgin and a prude, and there +are occasions on which she retires. For, since it is at this passage +in my book that the Muse is inclined to put her white hands before her +eyes so as to see nothing, like the young girl looking through the +interstices of her tapering fingers, she will take advantage of this +attack of modesty, to administer a reprimand to our manners. In +England the nuptial chamber is a sacred place. The married couple +alone have the privilege of entering it, and more than one lady, we +are told, makes her bed herself. Of all the crazes which reign beyond +the sea, why should the only one which we despise be precisely that, +whose grace and mystery ought undoubtedly to meet the approval of all +tender souls on this continent? Refined women condemn the immodesty +with which strangers are introduced into the sanctuary of marriage. As +for us, who have energetically anathematized women who walk abroad at +the time when they expect soon to be confined, our opinion cannot be +doubted. If we wish the celibate to respect marriage, married people +ought to have some regard for the inflammability of bachelors. + +To sleep every night with one's wife may seem, we confess, an act of +the most insolent folly. + +Many husbands are inclined to ask how a man, who desires to bring +marriage to perfection, dare prescribe to a husband a rule of conduct +which would be fatal in a lover. + +Nevertheless, such is the decision of a doctor of arts and sciences +conjugal. + +In the first place, without making a resolution never to sleep by +himself, this is the only course left to a husband, since we have +demonstrated the dangers of the preceding systems. We must now try to +prove that this last method yields more advantage and less +disadvantage than the two preceding methods, that is, so far as +relates to the critical position in which a conjugal establishment +stands. + +Our observations on the twin beds ought to have taught husbands that +they should always be strung into the same degree of fervor as that +which prevails in the harmonious organization of their wives. Now it +seems to us that this perfect equality in feelings would naturally be +created under the white Aegis, which spreads over both of them its +protecting sheet; this at the outset is an immense advantage, and +really nothing is easier to verify at any moment than the degree of +love and expansion which a woman reaches when the same pillow receives +the heads of both spouses. + +Man [we speak now of the species] walks about with a memorandum always +totalized, which shows distinctly and without error the amount of +passion which he carries within him. This mysterious gynometer is +traced in the hollow of the hand, for the hand is really that one of +our members which bears the impress most plainly of our characters. +Chirology is a fifth work which I bequeath to my successors, for I am +contented here to make known but the elements of this interesting +science. + +The hand is the essential organ of touch. Touch is the sense which +very nearly takes the place of all the others, and which alone is +indispensable. Since the hand alone can carry out all that a man +desires, it is to an extent action itself. The sum total of our +vitality passes through it; and men of powerful intellects are usually +remarkable for their shapely hands, perfection in that respect being a +distinguishing trait of their high calling. + +Jesus Christ performed all His miracles by the imposition of hands. +The hand is the channel through which life passes. It reveals to the +physician all the mysteries of our organism. It exhales more than any +other part of our bodies the nervous fluid, or that unknown substance, +which for want of another term we style _will_. The eye can discover +the mood of our soul but the hand betrays at the same time the secrets +of the body and those of the soul. We can acquire the faculty of +imposing silence on our eyes, on our lips, on our brows, and on our +forehead; but the hand never dissembles and nothing in our features +can be compared to the richness of its expression. The heat and cold +which it feels in such delicate degrees often escape the notice of +other senses in thoughtless people; but a man knows how to distinguish +them, however little time he may have bestowed in studying the anatomy +of sentiments and the affairs of human life. Thus the hand has a +thousand ways of becoming dry, moist, hot, cold, soft, rough, +unctuous. The hand palpitates, becomes supple, grows hard and again is +softened. In fine it presents a phenomenon which is inexplicable so +that one is tempted to call it the incarnation of thought. It causes +the despair of the sculptor and the painter when they wish to express +the changing labyrinth of its mysterious lineaments. To stretch out +your hand to a man is to save him, it serves as a ratification of the +sentiments we express. The sorcerers of every age have tried to read +our future destines in those lines which have nothing fanciful in +them, but absolutely correspond with the principles of each one's life +and character. When she charges a man with want of tact, which is +merely touch, a woman condemns him without hope. We use the +expressions, the "Hand of Justice," the "Hand of God;" and a _coup de +main_ means a bold undertaking. + +To understand and recognize the hidden feelings by the atmospheric +variations of the hand, which a woman almost always yields without +distrust, is a study less unfruitful and surer than that of +physiognomy. + +In this way you will be able, if you acquire this science, to wield +vast power, and to find a clue which will guide you through the +labyrinth of the most impenetrable heart. This will render your living +together free from very many mistakes, and, at the same time, rich in +the acquisition of many a treasure. + +Buffon and certain physiologists affirm that our members are more +completely exhausted by desire than by the most keen enjoyments. And +really, does not desire constitute of itself a sort of intuitive +possession? Does it not stand in the same relation to visible action, +as those incidents in our mental life, in which we take part in a +dream, stand to the incidents of our actual life? This energetic +apprehension of things, does it not call into being an internal +emotion more powerful than that of the external action? If our +gestures are only the accomplishment of things already enacted by our +thought, you may easily calculate how desire frequently entertained +must necessarily consume the vital fluids. But the passions which are +no more than the aggregation of desires, do they not furrow with the +wrinkle of their lightning the faces of the ambitious, of gamblers, +for instance, and do they not wear out their bodies with marvelous +swiftness? + +These observations, therefore, necessarily contain the germs of a +mysterious system equally favored by Plato and by Epicurus; we will +leave it for you to meditate upon, enveloped as it is in the veil +which enshrouds Egyptian statues. + +But the greatest mistake that a man commits is to believe that love +can belong only to those fugitive moments which, according to the +magnificent expression of Bossuet, are like to the nails scattered +over a wall: to the eye they appear numerous; but when they are +collected they make but a handful. + +Love consists almost always in conversation. There are few things +inexhaustible in a lover: goodness, gracefulness and delicacy. To feel +everything, to divine everything, to anticipate everything; to +reproach without bringing affliction upon a tender heart; to make a +present without pride; to double the value of a certain action by the +way in which it is done; to flatter rather by actions than by words; +to make oneself understood rather than to produce a vivid impression; +to touch without striking; to make a look and the sound of the voice +produce the effect of a caress; never to produce embarrassment; to +amuse without offending good taste; always to touch the heart; to +speak to the soul--this is all that women ask. They will abandon all +the delights of all the nights of Messalina, if only they may live +with a being who will yield them those caresses of the soul, for which +they are so eager, and which cost nothing to men if only they have a +little consideration. + +This outline comprises a great portion of such secrets as belong to +the nuptial couch. There are perhaps some witty people who may take +this long definition of politeness for a description of love, while in +any case it is no more than a recommendation to treat your wife as you +would treat the minister on whose good-will depends your promotion to +the post you covet. + +I hear numberless voices crying out that this book is a special +advocate for women and neglects the cause of men; + +That the majority of women are unworthy of these delicate attentions +and would abuse them; + +That there are women given to licentiousness who would not lend +themselves to very much of what they would call mystification; + +That women are nothing but vanity and think of nothing but dress; + +That they have notions which are truly unreasonable; + +That they are very often annoyed by an attention; + +That they are fools, they understand nothing, are worth nothing, etc. + +In answer to all these clamors we will write here the following +phrases, which, placed between two spaces, will perhaps have the air +of a thought, to quote an expression of Beaumarchais. + + + LXIV. + A wife is to her husband just what her husband has made her. + + +The reasons why the single bed must triumph over the other two methods +of organizing the nuptial couch are as follows: In the single couch we +have a faithful interpreter to translate with profound truthfulness +the sentiments of a woman, to render her a spy over herself, to keep +her at the height of her amorous temperature, never to leave her, to +have the power of hearing her breathe in slumber, and thus to avoid +all the nonsense which is the ruin of so many marriages. + +As it is impossible to receive benefits without paying for them, you +are bound to learn how to sleep gracefully, to preserve your dignity +under the silk handkerchief that wraps your head, to be polite, to see +that your slumber is light, not to cough too much, and to imitate +those modern authors who write more prefaces than books. + + + + MEDITATION XVIII. + + OF MARITAL REVOLUTIONS. + +The time always comes in which nations and women even the most stupid +perceive that their innocence is being abused. The cleverest policy +may for a long time proceed in a course of deceit; but it would be +very happy for men if they could carry on their deceit to an infinite +period; a vast amount of bloodshed would then be avoided, both in +nations and in families. + +Nevertheless, we hope that the means of defence put forth in the +preceding Meditations will be sufficient to deliver a certain number +of husbands from the clutches of the Minotaur! You must agree with the +doctor that many a love blindly entered upon perishes under the +treatment of hygiene or dies away, thanks to marital policy. Yes [what +a consoling mistake!] many a lover will be driven away by personal +efforts, many a husband will learn how to conceal under an +impenetrable veil the machinery of his machiavelism, and many a man +will have better success than the old philosopher who cried: _Nolo +coronari!_ + +But we are here compelled to acknowledge a mournful truth. Despotism +has its moments of secure tranquillity. Her reign seems like the hour +which precedes the tempest, and whose silence enables the traveler, +stretched upon the faded grass, to hear at a mile's distance, the song +of the cicada. Some fine morning an honest woman, who will be imitated +by a great portion of our own women, discerns with an eagle eye the +clever manoeuvres which have rendered her the victim of an infernal +policy. She is at first quite furious at having for so long a time +preserved her virtue. At what age, in what day, does this terrible +revolution occur? This question of chronology depends entirely upon +the genius of each husband; for it is not the vocation of all to put +in practice with the same talent the precepts of our conjugal gospel. + +"A man must have very little love," the mystified wife will exclaim, +"to enter upon such calculations as these! What! From the first day I +have been to him perpetually an object of suspicion! It is monstrous, +even a woman would be incapable of such artful and cruel treachery!" + +This is the question. Each husband will be able to understand the +variations of this complaint which will be made in accordance with the +character of the young Fury, of whom he has made a companion. + +A woman by no means loses her head under these circumstances; she +holds her tongue and dissembles. Her vengeance will be concealed. Only +you will have some symptoms of hesitation to contend with on the +arrival of the crisis, which we presume you to have reached on the +expiration of the honeymoon; but you will also have to contend against +a resolution. She has determined to revenge herself. From that day, so +far as regards you, her mask, like her heart, has turned to bronze. +Formerly you were an object of indifference to her; you are becoming +by degrees absolutely insupportable. The Civil War commences only at +the moment in which, like the drop of water which makes the full glass +overflow, some incident, whose more or less importance we find +difficulty in determining, has rendered you odious. The lapse of time +which intervenes between this last hour, the limit of your good +understanding, and the day when your wife becomes cognizant of your +artifices, is nevertheless quite sufficient to permit you to institute +a series of defensive operations, which we will now explain. + +Up to this time you have protected your honor solely by the exertion +of a power entirely occult. Hereafter the wheels of your conjugal +machinery must be set going in sight of every one. In this case, if +you would prevent a crime you must strike a blow. You have begun by +negotiating, you must end by mounting your horse, sabre in hand, like +a Parisian gendarme. You must make your horse prance, you must +brandish your sabre, you must shout strenuously, and you must endeavor +to calm the revolt without wounding anybody. + +Just as the author has found a means of passing from occult methods to +methods that are patent, so it is necessary for the husband to justify +the sudden change in his tactics; for in marriage, as in literature, +art consists entirely in the gracefulness of the transitions. This is +of the highest importance for you. What a frightful position you will +occupy if your wife has reason to complain of your conduct at the +moment, which is, perhaps, the most critical of your whole married +life! + +You must therefore find some means or other to justify the secret +tyranny of your initial policy; some means which still prepare the +mind of your wife for the severe measures which you are about to take; +some means which so far from forfeiting her esteem will conciliate +her; some means which will gain her pardon, which will restore some +little of that charm of yours, by which you won her love before your +marriage. + +"But what policy is it that demands this course of action? Is there +such a policy?" + +Certainly there is. + +But what address, what tact, what histrionic art must a husband +possess in order to display the mimic wealth of that treasure which we +are about to reveal to him! In order to counterfeit the passion whose +fire is to make you a new man in the presence of your wife, you will +require all the cunning of Talma. + +This passion is JEALOUSY. + +"My husband is jealous. He has been so from the beginning of our +marriage. He has concealed this feeling from me by his usual refined +delicacy. Does he love me still? I am going to do as I like with him!" + +Such are the discoveries which a woman is bound to make, one after +another, in accordance with the charming scenes of the comedy which +you are enacting for your amusement; and a man of the world must be an +actual fool, if he fails in making a woman believe that which flatters +her. + +With what perfection of hypocrisy must you arrange, step by step, your +hypocritical behavior so as to rouse the curiosity of your wife, to +engage her in a new study, and to lead her astray among the labyrinths +of your thought! + +Ye sublime actors! Do ye divine the diplomatic reticence, the gestures +of artifice, the veiled words, the looks of doubtful meaning which +some evening may induce your wife to attempt the capture of your +secret thoughts? + +Ah! to laugh in your sleeve while you are exhibiting the fierceness of +a tiger; neither to lie nor to tell the truth; to comprehend the +capricious mood of a woman, and yet to make her believe that she +controls you, while you intend to bind her with a collar of iron! O +comedy that has no audience, which yet is played by one heart before +another heart and where both of you applaud because both of you think +that you have obtained success! + +She it is who will tell you that you are jealous, who will point out +to you that she knows you better than you know yourself, who will +prove to you the uselessness of your artifices and who perhaps will +defy you. She triumphs in the excited consciousness of the superiority +which she thinks she possesses over you; you of course are ennobled in +her eyes; for she finds your conduct quite natural. The only thing she +feels is that your want of confidence was useless; if she wished to +betray, who could hinder her? + +Then, some evening, you will burst into a passion, and, as some trifle +affords you a pretext, you will make a scene, in the course of which +your anger will make you divulge the secret of your distress. And here +comes in the promulgation of our new code. + +Have no fear that a woman is going to trouble herself about this. She +needs your jealousy, she rather likes your severity. This comes from +the fact that in the first place she finds there a justification for +her own conduct; and then she finds immense satisfaction in playing +before other people the part of a victim. What delightful expressions +of sympathy will she receive! Afterwards she will use this as a weapon +against you, in the expectation thereby of leading you into a pitfall. + +She sees in your conduct the source of a thousand more pleasures in +her future treachery, and her imagination smiles at all the barricades +with which you surround her, for will she not have the delight of +surmounting them all? + +Women understand better than we do the art of analyzing the two human +feelings, which alternately form their weapons of attack, or the +weapons of which they are victims. They have the instinct of love, +because it is their whole life, and of jealousy, because it is almost +the only means by which they can control us. Within them jealousy is a +genuine sentiment and springs from the instinct of self-preservation; +it is vital to their life or death. But with men this feeling is +absolutely absurd when it does not subserve some further end. + +To entertain feelings of jealousy towards the woman you love, is to +start from a position founded on vicious reasoning. We are loved, or +we are not loved; if a man entertains jealousy under either of these +circumstances, it is a feeling absolutely unprofitable to him; +jealousy may be explained as fear, fear in love. But to doubt one's +wife is to doubt one's self. + +To be jealous is to exhibit, at once, the height of egotism, the error +of _amour-propre_, the vexation of morbid vanity. Women rather +encourage this ridiculous feeling, because by means of it they can +obtain cashmere shawls, silver toilet sets, diamonds, which for them +mark the high thermometer mark of their power. Moreover, unless you +appear blinded by jealousy, your wife will not keep on her guard; for +there is no pitfall which she does not distrust, excepting that which +she makes for herself. + +Thus the wife becomes the easy dupe of a husband who is clever enough +to give to the inevitable revolution, which comes sooner or later, the +advantageous results we have indicated. + +You must import into your establishment that remarkable phenomenon +whose existence is demonstrated in the asymptotes of geometry. Your +wife will always try to minotaurize you without being successful. Like +those knots which are never so tight as when one tries to loosen them, +she will struggle to the advantage of your power over her, while she +believes that she is struggling for her independence. + +The highest degree of good play on the part of a prince lies in +persuading his people that he goes to war for them, while all the time +he is causing them to be killed for his throne. + +But many husbands will find a preliminary difficulty in executing this +plan of campaign. If your wife is a woman of profound dissimulation, +the question is, what signs will indicate to her the motives of your +long mystification? + +It will be seen that our Meditation on the Custom House, as well as +that on the Bed, has already revealed certain means of discerning the +thought of a woman; but we make no pretence in this book of +exhaustively stating the resources of human wit, which are +immeasurable. Now here is a proof of this. On the day of the +Saturnalia the Romans discovered more features in the character of +their slaves, in ten minutes, than they would have found out during +the rest of the year! You ought therefore to ordain Saturnalia in your +establishment, and to imitate Gessler, who, when he saw William Tell +shoot the apple off his son's head, was forced to remark, "Here is a +man whom I must get rid of, for he could not miss his aim if he wished +to kill me." + +You understand, then, that if your wife wishes to drink Roussillon +wine, to eat mutton chops, to go out at all hours and to read the +encyclopaedia, you are bound to take her very seriously. In the first +place, she will begin to distrust you against her own wish, on seeing +that your behaviour towards her is quite contrary to your previous +proceedings. She will suppose that you have some ulterior motive in +this change of policy, and therefore all the liberty that you give her +will make her so anxious that she cannot enjoy it. As regards the +misfortunes that this change may bring, the future will provide for +them. In a revolution the primary principle is to exercise a control +over the evil which cannot be prevented and to attract the lightning +by rods which shall lead it to the earth. + +And now the last act of the comedy is in preparation. + +The lover who, from the day when the feeblest of all first symptoms +shows itself in your wife until the moment when the marital revolution +takes place, has jumped upon the stage, either as a material creature +or as a being of the imagination--the LOVER, summoned by a sign from +her, now declares: "Here I am!" + + + + MEDITATION XIX. + + OF THE LOVER. + +We offer the following maxims for your consideration: + +We should despair of the human race if these maxims had been made +before 1830; but they set forth in so clear a manner the agreements +and difficulties which distinguish you, your wife and a lover; they so +brilliantly describe what your policy should be, and demonstrate to +you so accurately the strength of the enemy, that the teacher has put +his _amour-propre_ aside, and if by chance you find here a single new +thought, send it to the devil, who suggested this work. + + + LXV. + To speak of love is to make love. + + + LXVI. + In a lover the coarsest desire always shows itself as a burst of + honest admiration. + + + LXVII. + A lover has all the good points and all the bad points which are + lacking in a husband. + + + LXVIII. + A lover not only gives life to everything, he makes one forget life; + the husband does not give life to anything. + + + LXIX. +All the affected airs of sensibility which a woman puts on invariably +deceive a lover; and on occasions when a husband shrugs his shoulders, +a lover is in ecstasies. + + + LXX. +A lover betrays by his manner alone the degree of intimacy in which he + stands to a married woman. + + + LXXI. +A woman does not always know why she is in love. It is rarely that a +man falls in love without some selfish purpose. A husband should +discover this secret motive of egotism, for it will be to him the +lever of Archimedes. + + + LXXII. + A clever husband never betrays his supposition that his wife has a + lover. + + + LXXIII. +The lover submits to all the caprices of a woman; and as a man is +never vile while he lies in the arms of his mistress, he will take the +means to please her that a husband would recoil from. + + + LXXIV. + A lover teaches a wife all that her husband has concealed from her. + + + LXXV. +All the sensations which a woman yields to her lover, she gives in +exchange; they return to her always intensified; they are as rich in +what they give as in what they receive. This is the kind of commerce +in which almost all husbands end by being bankrupt. + + + LXXVI. +A lover speaks of nothing to a woman but that which exalts her; while +a husband, although he may be a loving one, can never refrain from +giving advice which always has the appearance of reprimand. + + + LXXVII. +A lover always starts from his mistress to himself; with a husband the + contrary is the case. + + + LXXVIII. +A lover always has a desire to appear amiable. There is in this +sentiment an element of exaggeration which leads to ridicule; study +how to take advantage of this. + + + LXXIX. +When a crime has been committed the magistrate who investigates the +case knows [excepting in the case of a released convict who commits +murder in jail] that there are not more than five persons to whom he +can attribute the act. He starts from this premise a series of +conjectures. The husband should reason like the judge; there are only +three people in society whom he can suspect when seeking the lover of + his wife. + + + LXXX. + A lover is never in the wrong. + + + LXXXI. +The lover of a married woman says to her: "Madame, you have need of +rest. You have to give an example of virtue to your children. You have +sworn to make your husband happy, and although he has some faults--he +has fewer than I have--he is worthy of your esteem. Nevertheless you +have sacrificed everything for me. Do not let a single murmur escape +you; for regret is an offence which I think worthy of a severer +penalty than the law decrees against infidelity. As a reward for these +sacrifices, I will bring you as much pleasure as pain." And the +incredible part about it is, that the lover triumphs. The form which +his speech takes carries it. He says but one phrase: "I love you." A +lover is a herald who proclaims either the merit, the beauty, or the +wit of a woman. What does a husband proclaim? + + +To sum up all, the love which a married woman inspires, or that which +she gives back, is the least creditable sentiment in the world; in her +it is boundless vanity; in her lover it is selfish egotism. The lover +of a married woman contracts so many obligations, that scarcely three +men in a century are met with who are capable of discharging them. He +ought to dedicate his whole life to his mistress, but he always ends +by deserting her; both parties are aware of this, and, from the +beginning of social life, the one has always been sublime in +self-sacrifice, the other an ingrate. The infatuation of love always +rouses the pity of the judges who pass sentence on it. But where do +you find such love genuine and constant? What power must a husband +possess to struggle successfully against a man who casts over a woman +a spell strong enough to make her submit to such misfortunes! + + + +We think, then, as a general rule, a husband, if he knows how to use +the means of defence which we have outlined, can lead his wife up to +her twenty-seventh year, not without her having chosen a lover, but +without her having committed the great crime. Here and there we meet +with men endowed with deep marital genius, who can keep their wives, +body and soul to themselves alone up to their thirtieth or +thirty-fifth year; but these exceptions cause a sort of scandal and +alarm. The phenomenon scarcely ever is met with excepting in the +country, where life is transparent and people live in glass houses and +the husband wields immense power. The miraculous assistance which men +and things thus give to a husband always vanishes in the midst of a +city whose population reaches to two hundred and fifty thousand. + +It would therefore almost appear to be demonstrated that thirty is the +age of virtue. At that critical period, a woman becomes so difficult +to guard, that in order successfully to enchain her within the +conjugal Paradise, resort must be had to those last means of defence +which remain to be described, and which we will reveal in the _Essay +on Police_, the _Art of Returning Home_, and _Catastrophes_. + + + + MEDITATION XX. + + ESSAY ON POLICE. + +The police of marriage consist of all those means which are given you +by law, manners, force, and stratagem for preventing your wife in her +attempt to accomplish those three acts which in some sort make up the +life of love: writing, seeing and speaking. + +The police combine in greater or less proportion the means of defence +put forth in the preceding Meditations. Instinct alone can teach in +what proportions and on what occasions these compounded elements are +to be employed. The whole system is elastic; a clever husband will +easily discern how it must be bent, stretched or retrenched. By the +aid of the police a man can guide his wife to her fortieth year pure +from any fault. + +We will divide this treatise on Police into five captions: + + + 1. OF MOUSE-TRAPS. + 2. OF CORRESPONDENCE. + 3. OF SPIES. + 4. THE INDEX. + 5. OF THE BUDGET. + + + 1. OF MOUSE-TRAPS. + +In spite of the grave crisis which the husband has reached, we do not +suppose that the lover has completely acquired the freedom of the city +in the marital establishment. Many husbands often suspect that their +wives have a lover, and yet they do not know upon which of the five or +six chosen ones of whom we have spoken their suspicions ought to fall. +This hesitation doubtless springs from some moral infirmity, to whose +assistance the professor must come. + +Fouche had in Paris three or four houses resorted to by people of the +highest distinction; the mistresses of these dwellings were devoted to +him. This devotion cost a great deal of money to the state. The +minister used to call these gatherings, of which nobody at the time +had any suspicion, his _mouse-traps_. More than one arrest was made at +the end of the ball at which the most brilliant people of Paris had +been made accomplices of this oratorian. + +The act of offering some fragments of roasted nuts, in order to see +your wife put her white hand in the trap, is certainly exceedingly +delicate, for a woman is certain to be on her guard; nevertheless, we +reckon upon at least three kinds of mouse-traps: _The Irresistible_, +_The Fallacious_, and that which is _Touch and Go_. + + + _The Irresistible._ + +Suppose two husbands, we will call them A and B, wish to discover who +are the lovers of their wives. We will put the husband A at the centre +of a table loaded with the finest pyramids of fruit, of crystals, of +candies and of liqueurs, and the husband B shall be at whatever point +of this brilliant circle you may please to suppose. The champagne has +gone round, every eye is sparkling and every tongue is wagging. + +HUSBAND A. (peeling a chestnut)--Well, as for me, I admire literary +people, but from a distance. I find them intolerable; in conversation +they are despotic; I do not know what displeases me more, their faults +or their good qualities. In short (he swallows his chestnut), people +of genius are like tonics--you like, but you must use them +temperately. + +WIFE B. (who has listened attentively)--But, M. A., you are very +exacting (with an arch smile); it seems to me that dull people have as +many faults as people of talent, with this difference perhaps, that +the former have nothing to atone for them! + +HUSBAND A. (irritably)--You will agree at least, madame, that they are +not very amiable to you. + +WIFE B. (with vivacity)--Who told you so? + +HUSBAND A. (smiling)--Don't they overwhelm you all the time with their +superiority? Vanity so dominates their souls that between you and them +the effort is reciprocal-- + +THE MISTRESS OF THE HOUSE. (aside to Wife A)--You well deserved it, my +dear. (Wife A shrugs her shoulders.) + +HUSBAND A. (still continuing)--Then the habit they have of combining +ideas which reveal to them the mechanism of feeling! For them love is +purely physical and every one knows that they do not shine. + +WIFE B. (biting her lips, interrupting him)--It seems to me, sir, that +we are the sole judges in this matter. I can well understand why men +of the world do not like men of letters! But it is easier to criticise +than to imitate them. + +HUSBAND A. (disdainfully)--Oh, madame, men of the world can assail the +authors of the present time without being accused of envy. There is +many a gentleman of the drawing-room, who if he undertook to write-- + +WIFE B. (with warmth)--Unfortunately for you, sir, certain friends of +yours in the Chamber have written romances; have you been able to read +them?--But really, in these days, in order to attain the least +originality, you must undertake historic research, you must-- + +HUSBAND B. (making no answer to the lady next him and speaking aside) +--Oh! Oh! Can it be that it is M. de L-----, author of the _Dreams of +a Young Girl_, whom my wife is in love with?--That is singular; I +thought that it was Doctor M-----. But stay! (Aloud.) Do you know, my +dear, that you are right in what you say? (All laugh.) Really, I +should prefer to have always artists and men of letters in my +drawing-room--(aside) when we begin to receive!--rather than to see +there other professional men. In any case artists speak of things about +which every one is enthusiastic, for who is there who does not believe +in good taste? But judges, lawyers, and, above all, doctors--Heavens! +I confess that to hear them constantly speaking about lawsuits and +diseases, those two human ills-- + +WIFE A. (sitting next to Husband B, speaking at the same time)--What +is that you are saying, my friend? You are quite mistaken. In these +days nobody wishes to wear a professional manner; doctors, since you +have mentioned doctors, try to avoid speaking of professional matters. +They talk politics, discuss the fashions and the theatres, they tell +anecdotes, they write books better than professional authors do; there +is a vast difference between the doctors of to-day and those of +Moliere-- + +HUSBAND A. (aside)--Whew! Is it possible my wife is in love with Dr. +M-----? That would be odd. (Aloud.) That is quite possible, my dear, +but I would not give a sick dog in charge of a physician who writes. + +WIFE A. (interrupting her husband)--I know people who have five or six +offices, yet the government has the greatest confidence in them; +anyway, it is odd that you should speak in this way, you who were one +of Dr. M-----'s great cases-- + +HUSBAND A. (aside)--There can be no doubt of it! + + + _The Fallacious._ + +A HUSBAND. (as he reaches home)--My dear, we are invited by Madame de +Fischtaminel to a concert which she is giving next Tuesday. I reckoned +on going there, as I wanted to speak with a young cousin of the +minister who was among the singers; but he is gone to Frouville to see +his aunt. What do you propose doing? + +HIS WIFE.--These concerts tire me to death!--You have to sit nailed to +your chair whole hours without saying a word.--Besides, you know quite +well that we dine with my mother on that day, and it is impossible to +miss paying her a visit. + +HER HUSBAND. (carelessly)--Ah! that is true. + +_(Three days afterwards.)_ + +THE HUSBAND. (as he goes to bed)--What do you think, my darling? +To-morrow I will leave you at your mother's, for the count has +returned from Frouville and will be at Madame de Fischtaminel's +concert. + +HIS WIFE. (vivaciously)--But why should you go alone? You know how I +adore music! + + + _The Touch and Go Mouse-Trap._ + +THE WIFE.--Why did you go away so early this evening? + +THE HUSBAND. (mysteriously)--Ah! It is a sad business, and all the +more so because I don't know how I can settle it. + +THE WIFE.--What is it all about, Adolph? You are a wretch if you do +not tell me what you are going to do! + +THE HUSBAND.--My dear, that ass of a Prosper Magnan is fighting a duel +with M. de Fontanges, on account of an Opera singer.--But what is the +matter with you? + +THE WIFE.--Nothing.--It is very warm in this room and I don't know +what ails me, for the whole day I have been suffering from sudden +flushing of the face. + +THE HUSBAND. (aside)--She is in love with M. de Fontanges. (Aloud.) +Celestine! (He shouts out still louder.) Celestine! Come quick, madame +is ill! + +You will understand that a clever husband will discover a thousand +ways of setting these three kinds of traps. + + + 2. OF CORRESPONDENCE. + +To write a letter, and to have it posted; to get an answer, to read it +and burn it; there we have correspondence stated in the simplest +terms. + +Yet consider what immense resources are given by civilization, by our +manners and by our love to the women who wish to conceal these +material actions from the scrutiny of a husband. + +The inexorable box which keeps its mouth open to all comers receives +its epistolary provender from all hands. + +There is also the fatal invention of the General Delivery. A lover +finds in the world a hundred charitable persons, male and female, who, +for a slight consideration, will slip the billets-doux into the +amorous and intelligent hand of his fair mistress. + +A correspondence is a variable as Proteus. There are sympathetic inks. +A young celibate has told us in confidence that he has written a +letter on the fly-leaf of a new book, which, when the husband asked +for it of the bookseller, reached the hands of his mistress, who had +been prepared the evening before for this charming article. + +A woman in love, who fears her husband's jealousy, will write and read +billets-doux during the time consecrated to those mysterious +occupations during which the most tyrannical husband must leave her +alone. + +Moreover, all lovers have the art of arranging a special code of +signals, whose arbitrary import it is difficult to understand. At a +ball, a flower placed in some odd way in the hair; at the theatre, a +pocket handkerchief unfolded on the front of the box; rubbing the +nose, wearing a belt of a particular color, putting the hat on one +side, wearing one dress oftener than another, singing a certain song +in a concert or touching certain notes on the piano; fixing the eyes +on a point agreed; everything, in fact, from the hurdy-gurdy which +passes your windows and goes away if you open the shutter, to the +newspaper announcement of a horse for sale--all may be reckoned as +correspondence. + +How many times, in short, will a wife craftily ask her husband to do +such and such commission for her, to go to such and such a shop or +house, having previously informed her lover that your presence at such +or such a place means yes or no? + +On this point the professor acknowledges with shame that there is no +possible means of preventing correspondence between lovers. But a +little machiavelism on the part of the husband will be much more +likely to remedy the difficulty than any coercive measures. + +An agreement, which should be kept sacred between married people, is +their solemn oath that they will respect each other's sealed letters. +Clever is the husband who makes this pledge on his wedding-day and is +able to keep it conscientiously. + +In giving your wife unrestrained liberty to write and to receive +letters, you will be enabled to discern the moment she begins to +correspond with a lover. + +But suppose your wife distrusts you and covers with impenetrable +clouds the means she takes to conceal from you her correspondence. Is +it not then time to display that intellectual power with which we +armed you in our Meditation entitled _Of the Custom House_? The man +who does not see when his wife writes to her lover, and when she +receives an answer, is a failure as a husband. + +The proposed study which you ought to bestow upon the movements, the +actions, the gestures, the looks of your wife, will be perhaps +troublesome and wearying, but it will not last long; the only point is +to discover when your wife and her lover correspond and in what way. + +We cannot believe that a husband, even of moderate intelligence, will +fail to see through this feminine manoeuvre, when once he suspects its +existence. + +Meanwhile, you can judge from a single incident what means of police +and of restraint remain to you in the event of such a correspondence. + +A young lawyer, whose ardent passion exemplified certain of the +principles dwelt upon in this important part of our work, had married +a young person whose love for him was but slight; yet this +circumstance he looked upon as an exceedingly happy one; but at the +end of his first year of marriage he perceived that his dear Anna [for +Anna was her name] had fallen in love with the head clerk of a +stock-broker. + +Adolph was a young man of about twenty-five, handsome in face and as +fond of amusement as any other celibate. He was frugal, discreet, +possessed of an excellent heart, rode well, talked well, had fine +black hair always curled, and dressed with taste. In short, he would +have done honor and credit to a duchess. The advocate was ugly, short, +stumpy, square-shouldered, mean-looking, and, moreover, a husband. +Anna, tall and pretty, had almond eyes, white skin and refined +features. She was all love; and passion lighted up her glance with a +bewitching expression. While her family was poor, Maitre Lebrun had an +income of twelve thousand francs. That explains all. + +One evening Lebrun got home looking extremely chop-fallen. He went +into his study to work; but he soon came back shivering to his wife, +for he had caught a fever and hurriedly went to bed. There he lay +groaning and lamenting for his clients and especially for a poor widow +whose fortune he was to save the very next day by effecting a +compromise. An appointment had been made with certain business men and +he was quite incapable of keeping it. After having slept for a quarter +of an hour, he begged his wife in a feeble voice to write to one of +his intimate friends, asking him to take his (Lebrun's) place next day +at the conference. He dictated a long letter and followed with his eye +the space taken up on the paper by his phrases. When he came to begin +the second page of the last sheet, the advocate set out to describe to +his confrere the joy which his client would feel on the signing of the +compromise, and the fatal page began with these words: + + + "My good friend, go for Heaven's sake to Madame Vernon's at once; + you are expected with impatience there; she lives at No. 7 Rue de + Sentier. Pardon my brevity; but I count on your admirable good + sense to guess what I am unable to explain. + + "Tout a vous," + + +"Give me the letter," said the lawyer, "that I may see whether it is +correct before signing it." + +The unfortunate wife, who had been taken off her guard by this letter, +which bristled with the most barbarous terms of legal science, gave up +the letter. As soon as Lebrun got possession of the wily script he +began to complain, to twist himself about, as if in pain, and to +demand one little attention after another of his wife. Madame left the +room for two minutes during which the advocate leaped from his bed, +folded a piece of paper in the form of a letter and hid the missive +written by his wife. When Anna returned, the clever husband seized the +blank paper, made her address it to the friend of his, to whom the +letter which he had taken out was written, and the poor creature +handed the blank letter to his servant. Lebrun seemed to grow +gradually calmer; he slept or pretended to do so, and the next morning +he still affected to feel strange pains. Two days afterwards he tore +off the first leaf of the letter and put an "e" to the word _tout_ in +the phrase "tout a vous."[*] He folded mysteriously the paper which +contained the innocent forgery, sealed it, left his bedroom and called +the maid, saying to her: + +[*] Thus giving a feminine ending to the signature, and lending the + impression that the note emanated from the wife personally--J.W.M. + +"Madame begs that you will take this to the house of M. Adolph; now, +be quick about it." + +He saw the chambermaid leave the house and soon afterwards he, on a +plea of business, went out, hurried to Rue de Sentier, to the address +indicated, and awaited the arrival of his rival at the house of a +friend who was in the secret of his stratagem. The lover, intoxicated +with happiness, rushed to the place and inquired for Madame de Vernon; +he was admitted and found himself face to face with Maitre Lebrun, who +showed a countenance pale but chill, and gazed at him with tranquil +but implacable glance. + +"Sir," he said in a tone of emotion to the young clerk, whose heart +palpitated with terror, "you are in love with my wife, and you are +trying to please her; I scarcely know how to treat you in return for +this, because in your place and at your age I should have done exactly +the same. But Anna is in despair; you have disturbed her happiness, +and her heart is filled with the torments of hell. Moreover, she has +told me all, a quarrel soon followed by a reconciliation forced her to +write the letter which you have received, and she has sent me here in +her place. I will not tell you, sir, that by persisting in your plan +of seduction you will cause the misery of her you love, that you will +forfeit her my esteem, and eventually your own; that your crime will +be stamped on the future by causing perhaps sorrow to my children. I +will not even speak to you of the bitterness you will infuse into my +life;--unfortunately these are commonplaces! But I declare to you, +sir, that the first step you take in this direction will be the signal +for a crime; for I will not trust the risk of a duel in order to stab +you to the heart!" + +And the eyes of the lawyer flashed ominously. + +"Now, sir," he went on in a gentler voice, "you are young, you have a +generous heart. Make a sacrifice for the future happiness of her you +love; leave her and never see her again. And if you must needs be a +member of my family, I have a young aunt who is yet unsettled in life; +she is charming, clever and rich. Make her acquaintance, and leave a +virtuous woman undisturbed." + +This mixture of raillery and intimidation, together with the +unwavering glance and deep voice of the husband, produced a remarkable +impression on the lover. He remained for a moment utterly confused, +like people overcome with passion and deprived of all presence of mind +by a sudden shock. If Anna has since then had any lovers [which is a +pure hypothesis] Adolph certainly is not one of them. + +This occurrence may help you to understand that correspondence is a +double-edged weapon which is of as much advantage for the defence of +the husband as for the inconsistency of the wife. You should therefore +encourage correspondence for the same reason that the prefect of +police takes special care that the street lamps of Paris are kept +lighted. + + + 3. OF SPIES. + +To come so low as to beg servants to reveal secrets to you, and to +fall lower still by paying for a revelation, is not a crime; it is +perhaps not even a dastardly act, but it is certainly a piece of +folly; for nothing will ever guarantee to you the honesty of a servant +who betrays her mistress, and you can never feel certain whether she +is operating in your interest or in that of your wife. This point +therefore may be looked upon as beyond controversy. + +Nature, that good and tender parent, has set round about the mother of +a family the most reliable and the most sagacious of spies, the most +truthful and at the same time the most discreet in the world. They are +silent and yet they speak, they see everything and appear to see +nothing. + +One day I met a friend of mine on the boulevard. He invited me to +dinner, and we went to his house. Dinner had been already served, and +the mistress of the house was helping her two daughters to plates of +soup. + +"I see here my first symptoms," I said to myself. + +We sat down. The first word of the husband, who spoke without +thinking, and for the sake of talking, was the question: + +"Has any one been here to-day?" + +"Not a soul," replied his wife, without lifting her eyes. + +I shall never forget the quickness with which the two daughters looked +up to their mother. The elder girl, aged eight, had something +especially peculiar in her glance. There was at the same time +revelation and mystery, curiosity and silence, astonishment and apathy +in that look. If there was anything that could be compared to the +speed with which the light of candor flashed from their eyes, it was +the prudent reserve with which both of them closed down, like +shutters, the folds of their white eyelids. + +Ye sweet and charming creatures, who from the age of nine even to the +age of marriage too often are the torment of a mother even when she is +not a coquette, is it by the privilege of your years or the instinct +of your nature that your young ears catch the faint sound of a man's +voice through walls and doors, that your eyes are awake to everything, +and that your young spirit busies itself in divining all, even the +meaning of a word spoken in the air, even the meaning of your mother's +slightest gesture? + +There is something of gratitude, something in fact instinctive, in the +predilection of fathers for their daughters and mothers for their +sons. + +But the act of setting spies which are in some way inanimate is mere +dotage, and nothing is easier than to find a better plan than that of +the beadle, who took it into his head to put egg-shells in his bed, +and who obtained no other sympathy from his confederate than the +words, "You are not very successful in breaking them." + +The Marshal de Saxe did not give much consolation to his Popeliniere +when they discovered in company that famous revolving chimney, +invented by the Duc de Richelieu. + +"That is the finest piece of horn work that I have ever seen!" cried +the victor of Fontenoy. + +Let us hope that your espionage will not give you so troublesome a +lesson. Such misfortunes are the fruits of the civil war and we do not +live in that age. + + + 4. THE INDEX. + +The Pope puts books only on the Index; you will mark with a stigma of +reprobation men and things. + +It is forbidden to madame to go into a bath except in her own house. + +It is forbidden to madame to receive into her house him whom you +suspect of being her lover, and all those who are the accomplices of +their love. + +It is forbidden to madame to take a walk without you. + +But the peculiarities which in each household originate from the +diversity of characters, the numberless incidents of passion, and the +habits of the married people give to this black book so many +variations, the lines in it are multiplied or erased with such +rapidity that a friend of the author has called this Index _The +History of Changes in the Marital Church_. + +There are only two things which can be controlled or prescribed in +accordance with definite rules; the first is the country, the second +is the promenade. + +A husband ought never to take his wife to the country nor permit her +to go there. Have a country home if you like, live there, entertain +there nobody excepting ladies or old men, but never leave your wife +alone there. But to take her, for even half a day, to the house of +another man is to show yourself as stupid as an ostrich. + +To keep guard over a wife in the country is a task most difficult of +accomplishment. Do you think that you will be able to be in the +thickets, to climb the trees, to follow the tracks of a lover over the +grass trodden down at night, but straightened by the dew in the +morning and refreshed by the rays of the sun? Can you keep your eye on +every opening in the fence of the park? Oh! the country and the +Spring! These are the two right arms of the celibate. + +When a woman reaches the crisis at which we suppose her to be, a +husband ought to remain in town till the declaration of war, or to +resolve on devoting himself to all the delights of a cruel espionage. + +With regard to the promenade: Does madame wish to go to parties, to +the theatre, to the Bois de Boulogne, to purchase her dresses, to find +out what is the fashion? Madame shall go, shall see everything in the +respectable company of her lord and master. + +If she take advantage of the moment when a business appointment, which +you cannot fail to keep, detains you, in order to obtain your tacit +permission to some meditated expedition; if in order to obtain that +permission she displays all the witcheries of those cajoleries in +which women excel and whose powerful influence you ought already to +have known, well, well, the professor implores you to allow her to win +you over, while at the same time you sell dear the boon she asks; and +above all convince this creature, whose soul is at once as changeable +as water and as firm as steel, that it is impossible for you from the +importance of your work to leave your study. + +But as soon as your wife has set foot upon the street, if she goes on +foot, don't give her time to make fifty steps; follow and track her in +such a way that you will not be noticed. + +It is possible that there exist certain Werthers whose refined and +delicate souls recoil from this inquisition. But this is not more +blamable than that of a landed proprietor who rises at night and looks +through the windows for the purpose of keeping watch over the peaches +on his _espaliers_. You will probably by this course of action obtain, +before the crime is committed, exact information with regard to the +apartments which so many lovers rent in the city under fictitious +names. If it happens [which God forbid!] that your wife enters a house +suspected by you, try to find out if the place has several exits. + +Should your wife take a hack, what have you to fear? Is there not a +prefect of police, to whom all husbands ought to decree a crown of +solid gold, and has he not set up a little shed or bench where there +is a register, an incorruptible guardian of public morality? And does +he not know all the comings and goings of these Parisian gondolas? + +One of the vital principles of our police will consist in always +following your wife to the furnishers of your house, if she is +accustomed to visit them. You will carefully find out whether there is +any intimacy between her and her draper, her dressmaker or her +milliner, etc. In this case you will apply the rules of the conjugal +Custom House, and draw your own conclusions. + +If in your absence your wife, having gone out against your will, tells +you that she had been to such a place, to such a shop, go there +yourself the next day and try to find out whether she has spoken the +truth. + +But passion will dictate to you, even better than the Meditation, the +various resources of conjugal tyranny, and we will here cut short +these tiresome instructions. + + + 5. OF THE BUDGET. + +In outlining the portrait of a sane and sound husband (See _Meditation +on the Predestined_), we urgently advise that he should conceal from +his wife the real amount of his income. + +In relying upon this as the foundation stone of our financial system +we hope to do something towards discounting the opinion, so very +generally held, that a man ought not to give the handling of his +income to his wife. This principle is one of the many popular errors +and is one of the chief causes of misunderstanding in the domestic +establishment. + +But let us, in the first place, deal with the question of heart, +before we proceed to that of money. + +To draw up a little civil list for your wife and for the requirements +of the house and to pay her money as if it were a contribution, in +twelve equal portions month by month, has something in it that is a +little mean and close, and cannot be agreeable to any but sordid and +mistrustful souls. By acting in this way you prepare for yourself +innumerable annoyances. + +I could wish that during the first year of your mellifluous union, +scenes more or less delightful, pleasantries uttered in good taste, +pretty purses and caresses might accompany and might decorate the +handing over of this monthly gift; but the time will come when the +self-will of your wife or some unforeseen expenditure will compel her +to ask a loan of the Chamber; I presume that you will always grant her +the bill of indemnity, as our unfaithful deputies never fail to do. +They pay, but they grumble; you must pay and at the same time +compliment her. I hope it will be so. + +But in the crisis which we have reached, the provisions of the annual +budget can never prove sufficient. There must be an increase of +fichus, of bonnets, of frocks; there is an expense which cannot be +calculated beforehand demanded by the meetings, by the diplomatic +messengers, by the ways and means of love, even while the receipts +remain the same as usual. Then must commence in your establishment a +course of education the most odious, and the most dreadful which a +woman can undergo. I know but few noble and generous souls who value, +more than millions, purity of heart, frankness of soul, and who would +a thousand times more readily pardon a passion than a lie, whose +instinctive delicacy has divined the existence of this plague of the +soul, the lowest step in human degradation. + +Under these circumstances there occur in the domestic establishment +the most delightful scenes of love. It is then that a woman becomes +utterly pliant and like to the most brilliant of all the strings of a +harp, when thrown before the fire; she rolls round you, she clasps +you, she holds you tight; she defers to all your caprices; never was +her conversation so full of tenderness; she lavishes her endearments +upon you, or rather she sells them to you; she at last becomes lower +than a chorus girl, for she prostitutes herself to her husband. In her +sweetest kisses there is money; in all her words there is money. In +playing this part her heart becomes like lead towards you. The most +polished, the most treacherous usurer never weighs so completely with +a single glance the future value in bullion of a son of a family who +may sign a note to him, than your wife appraises one of your desires +as she leaps from branch to branch like an escaping squirrel, in order +to increase the sum of money she may demand by increasing the appetite +which she rouses in you. You must not expect to get scot-free from +such seductions. Nature has given boundless gifts of coquetry to a +woman, the usages of society have increased them tenfold by its +fashions, its dresses, its embroideries and its tippets. + +"If I ever marry," one of the most honorable generals of our ancient +army used to say, "I won't put a sou among the wedding presents--" + +"What will you put there then, general?" asked a young girl. + +"The key of my safe." + +The young girl made a curtsey of approbation. She moved her little +head with a quiver like that of the magnetic needle; raised her chin +slightly as if she would have said: + +"I would gladly marry the general in spite of his forty-five years." + +But with regard to money, what interest can you expect your wife to +take in a machine in which she is looked upon as a mere bookkeeper? + +Now look at the other system. + +In surrendering to your wife, with an avowal of absolute confidence in +her, two-thirds of your fortune and letting her as mistress control +the conjugal administration, you win from her an esteem which nothing +can destroy, for confidence and high-mindedness find powerful echoes +in the heart of a woman. Madame will be loaded with a responsibility +which will often raise a barrier against extravagances, all the +stronger because it is she herself who has created it in her heart. +You yourself have made a portion of the work, and you may be sure that +from henceforth your wife will never perhaps dishonor herself. + +Moreover, by seeking in this way a method of defence, consider what +admirable aids are offered to you by this plan of finances. + +You will have in your house an exact estimate of the morality of your +wife, just as the quotations of the Bourse give you a just estimate of +the degree of confidence possessed by the government. + +And doubtless, during the first years of your married life, your wife +will take pride in giving you every luxury and satisfaction which your +money can afford. + +She will keep a good table, she will renew the furniture, and the +carriages; she will always keep in her drawer a sum of money sacred to +her well-beloved and ready for his needs. But of course, in the actual +circumstances of life, the drawer will be very often empty and +monsieur will spend a great deal too much. The economies ordered by +the Chamber never weigh heavily upon the clerks whose income is twelve +hundred francs; and you will be the clerk at twelve hundred francs in +your own house. You will laugh in your sleeve, because you will have +saved, capitalized, invested one-third of your income during a long +time, like Louis XV, who kept for himself a little separate treasury, +"against a rainy day," he used to say. + +Thus, if your wife speaks of economy, her discourse will be equal to +the varying quotations of the money-market. You will be able to divine +the whole progress of the lover by these financial fluctuations, and +you will have avoided all difficulties. _E sempre bene._ + +If your wife fails to appreciate the excessive confidence, and +dissipates in one day a large proportion of your fortune, in the first +place it is not probable that this prodigality will amount to +one-third of the revenue which you have been saving for ten years; +moreover you will learn, from the Meditation on _Catastrophes_, that +in the very crisis produced by the follies of your wife, you will have +brilliant opportunities of slaying the Minotaur. + +But the secret of the treasure which has been amassed by your +thoughtfulness need never be known till after your death; and if you +have found it necessary to draw upon it, in order to assist your wife, +you must always let it be thought that you have won at play, or made a +loan from a friend. + +These are the true principles which should govern the conjugal budget. + + + +The police of marriage has its martyrology. We will cite but one +instance which will make plain how necessary it is for husbands who +resort to severe measures to keep watch over themselves as well as +over their wives. + +An old miser who lived at T-----, a pleasure resort if there ever was +one, had married a young and pretty woman, and he was so wrapped up in +her and so jealous that love triumphed over avarice; he actually gave +up trade in order to guard his wife more closely, but his only real +change was that his covetousness took another form. I acknowledge that +I owe the greater portion of the observations contained in this essay, +which still is doubtless incomplete, to the person who made a study of +this remarkable marital phenomenon, to portray which, one single +detail will be amply sufficient. When he used to go to the country, +this husband never went to bed without secretly raking over the +pathways of his park, and he had a special rake for the sand of his +terraces. He had made a close study of the footprints made by the +different members of his household; and early in the morning he used +to go and identify the tracks that had been made there. + +"All this is old forest land," he used to say to the person I have +referred to, as he showed him over the park; "for nothing can be seen +through the brushwood." + +His wife fell in love with one of the most charming young men of the +town. This passion had continued for nine years bright and fresh in +the hearts of the two lovers, whose sole avowal had been a look +exchanged in a crowded ball-room; and while they danced together their +trembling hands revealed through the scented gloves the depth of their +love. From that day they had both of them taken great delight on those +trifles which happy lovers never disdain. One day the young man led +his only confidant, with a mysterious air, into a chamber where he +kept under glass globes upon his table, with more care than he would +have bestowed upon the finest jewels in the world, the flowers that, +in the excitement of the dance, had fallen from the hair of his +mistress, and the finery which had been caught in the trees which she +had brushed through in the park. He also preserved there the narrow +footprint left upon the clay soil by the lady's step. + +"I could hear," said this confidant to me afterwards, "the violent and +repressed palpitations of his heart sounding in the silence which we +preserved before the treasures of this museum of love. I raised my +eyes to the ceiling, as if to breathe to heaven the sentiment which I +dared not utter. 'Poor humanity!' I thought. 'Madame de ----- told me +that one evening at a ball you had been found nearly fainting in her +card-room?' I remarked to him. + +"'I can well believe it,' said he casting down his flashing glance, 'I +had kissed her arm!--But,' he added as he pressed my hand and shot at +me a glance that pierced my heart, 'her husband at that time had the +gout which threatened to attack his stomach.'" + +Some time afterwards, the old man recovered and seemed to take a new +lease of life; but in the midst of his convalescence he took to his +bed one morning and died suddenly. There were such evident symptoms of +poisoning in the condition of the dead man that the officers of +justice were appealed to, and the two lovers were arrested. Then was +enacted at the court of assizes the most heartrending scene that ever +stirred the emotions of the jury. At the preliminary examination, each +of the two lovers without hesitation confessed to the crime, and with +one thought each of them was solely bent on saving, the one her lover, +the other his mistress. There were two found guilty, where justice was +looking for but a single culprit. The trial was entirely taken up with +the flat contradictions which each of them, carried away by the fury +of devoted love, gave to the admissions of the other. There they were +united for the first time, but on the criminals' bench with a gendarme +seated between them. They were found guilty by the unanimous verdict +of a weeping jury. No one among those who had the barbarous courage to +witness their conveyance to the scaffold can mention them to-day +without a shudder. Religion had won for them a repentance for their +crime, but could not induce them to abjure their love. The scaffold +was their nuptial bed, and there they slept together in the long night +of death. + + + + MEDITATION XXI. + + THE ART OF RETURNING HOME. + +Finding himself incapable of controlling the boiling transports of his +anxiety, many a husband makes the mistake of coming home and rushing +into the presence of his wife, with the object of triumphing over her +weakness, like those bulls of Spain, which, stung by the red +_banderillo_, disembowel with furious horns horses, matadors, +picadors, toreadors and their attendants. + +But oh! to enter with a tender gentle mien, like Mascarillo, who +expects a beating and becomes merry as a lark when he finds his master +in a good humor! Well--that is the mark of a wise man!-- + +"Yes, my darling, I know that in my absence you could have behaved +badly! Another in your place would have turned the house topsy-turvy, +but you have only broken a pane of glass! God bless you for your +considerateness. Go on in the same way and you will earn my eternal +gratitude." + +Such are the ideas which ought to be expressed by your face and +bearing, but perhaps all the while you say to yourself: + +"Probably he has been here!" + +Always to bring home a pleasant face, is a rule which admits of no +exception. + +But the art of never leaving your house without returning when the +police have revealed to you a conspiracy--to know how to return at the +right time--this is the lesson which is hard to learn. In this matter +everything depends upon tact and penetration. The actual events of +life always transcend anything that is imaginable. + +The manner of coming home is to be regulated in accordance with a +number of circumstances. For example: + +Lord Catesby was a man of remarkable strength. It happened one day +that he was returning from a fox hunt, to which he had doubtless +promised to go, with some ulterior view, for he rode towards the fence +of his park at a point where, he said, he saw an extremely fine horse. +As he had a passion for horses, he drew near to examine this one close +at hand, There he caught sight of Lady Catesby, to whose rescue it was +certainly time to go, if he were in the slightest degree jealous for +his own honor. He rushed upon the gentleman he saw there, and seizing +him by the belt he hurled him over the fence on to the road side. + +"Remember, sir," he said calmly, "it rests with me to decide whether +it well be necessary to address you hereafter and ask for satisfaction +on this spot." + +"Very well, my lord; but would you have the goodness to throw over my +horse also?" + +But the phlegmatic nobleman had already taken the arm of his wife as +he gravely said: + +"I blame you very much, my dear creature, for not having told me that +I was to love you for two. Hereafter every other day I shall love you +for the gentleman yonder, and all other days for myself." + +This adventure is regarded in England as one of the best returns home +that were ever known. It is true it consisted in uniting, with +singular felicity, eloquence of deed to that of word. + +But the art of re-entering your home, principles of which are nothing +else but natural deductions from the system of politeness and +dissimulation which have been commended in preceding Meditations, is +after all merely to be studied in preparation for the conjugal +catastrophes which we will now consider. + + + + MEDITATION XXII. + + OF CATASTROPHES. + +The word _Catastrophe_ is a term of literature which signifies the +final climax of a play. + +To bring about a catastrophe in the drama which you are playing is a +method of defence which is as easy to undertake as it is certain to +succeed. In advising to employ it, we would not conceal from you its +perils. + +The conjugal catastrophe may be compared to one of those high fevers +which either carry off a predisposed subject or completely restore his +health. Thus, when the catastrophe succeeds, it keeps a woman for +years in the prudent realms of virtue. + +Moreover, this method is the last of all those which science has been +able to discover up to this present moment. + +The massacre of St. Bartholomew, the Sicilian Vespers, the death of +Lucretia, the two embarkations of Napoleon at Frejus are examples of +political catastrophe. It will not be in your power to act on such a +large scale; nevertheless, within their own area, your dramatic +climaxes in conjugal life will not be less effective than these. + +But since the art of creating a situation and of transforming it, by +the introduction of natural incidents, constitutes genius; since the +return to virtue of a woman, whose foot has already left some tracks +upon the sweet and gilded sand which mark the pathway of vice, is the +most difficult to bring about of all denouements, and since genius +neither knows it nor teaches it, the practitioner in conjugal laws +feels compelled to confess at the outset that he is incapable of +reducing to definite principles a science which is as changeable as +circumstances, as delusive as opportunity, and as indefinable as +instinct. + +If we may use an expression which neither Diderot, d'Alembert nor +Voltaire, in spite of every effort, have been able to engraft on our +language, a conjugal catastrophe _se subodore_ is scented from afar; +so that our only course will be to sketch out imperfectly certain +conjugal situations of an analogous kind, thus imitating the +philosopher of ancient time who, seeking in vain to explain motion, +walked forward in his attempt to comprehend laws which were +incomprehensible. + +A husband, in accordance with the principles comprised in our +Meditation on _Police_, will expressly forbid his wife to receive the +visits of a celibate whom he suspects of being her lover, and whom she +has promised never again to see. Some minor scenes of the domestic +interior we leave for matrimonial imaginations to conjure up; a +husband can delineate them much better than we can; he will betake +himself in thought back to those days when delightful longings invited +sincere confidences and when the workings of his policy put into +motion certain adroitly handled machinery. + +Let us suppose, in order to make more interesting the natural scene to +which I refer, that you who read are a husband, whose carefully +organized police has made the discovery that your wife, profiting by +the hours devoted by you to a ministerial banquet, to which she +probably procured you an invitation, received at your house M. A----z. + +Here we find all the conditions necessary to bring about the finest +possible of conjugal catastrophes. + +You return home just in time to find your arrival has coincided with +that of M. A----z, for we would not advise you to have the interval +between acts too long. But in what mood should you enter? Certainly +not in accordance with the rules of the previous Meditation. In a rage +then? Still less should you do that. You should come in with +good-natured carelessness, like an absent-minded man who has forgotten +his purse, the statement which he has drawn up for the minister, his +pocket-handkerchief or his snuff-box. + +In that case you will either catch two lovers together, or your wife, +forewarned by the maid, will have hidden the celibate. + +Now let us consider these two unique situations. + +But first of all we will observe that husbands ought always to be in a +position to strike terror in their homes and ought long before to make +preparations for the matrimonial second of September. + +Thus a husband, from the moment that his wife has caused him to +perceive certain _first symptoms_, should never fail to give, time +after time, his personal opinion on the course of conduct to be +pursued by a husband in a great matrimonial crisis. + +"As for me," you should say, "I should have no hesitation in killing +the man I caught at my wife's feet." + +With regard to the discussion that you will thus give rise to, you +will be led on to aver that the law ought to have given to the +husband, as it did in ancient Rome, the right of life and death over +his children, so that he could slay those who were spurious. + +These ferocious opinions, which really do not bind you to anything, +will impress your wife with salutary terror; you will enumerate them +lightly, even laughingly--and say to her, "Certainly, my dear, I would +kill you right gladly. Would you like to be murdered by me?" + +A woman cannot help fearing that this pleasantry may some day become a +very serious matter, for in these crimes of impulse there is a certain +proof of love; and then women who know better than any one else how to +say true things laughingly at times suspect their husbands of this +feminine trick. + +When a husband surprises his wife engaged in even innocent +conversation with her lover, his face still calm, should produce the +effect mythologically attributed to the celebrated Gorgon. + +In order to produce a favorable catastrophe at this juncture, you must +act in accordance with the character of your wife, either play a +pathetic scene a la Diderot, or resort to irony like Cicero, or rush +to your pistols loaded with a blank charge, or even fire them off, if +you think that a serious row is indispensable. + +A skillful husband may often gain a great advantage from a scene of +unexaggerated sentimentality. He enters, he sees the lover and +transfixes him with a glance. As soon as the celibate retires, he +falls at the feet of his wife, he declaims a long speech, in which +among other phrases there occurs this: + +"Why, my dear Caroline, I have never been able to love you as I +should!" + +He weeps, and she weeps, and this tearful catastrophe leaves nothing +to be desired. + +We would explain, apropos of the second method by which the +catastrophe may be brought about, what should be the motives which +lead a husband to vary this scene, in accordance with the greater or +less degree of strength which his wife's character possesses. + +Let us pursue this subject. + +If by good luck it happens that your wife has put her lover in a place +of concealment, the catastrophe will be very much more successful. + +Even if the apartment is not arranged according to the principles +prescribed in the Meditation, you will easily discern the place into +which the celibate has vanished, although he be not, like Lord Byron's +Don Juan, bundled up under the cushion of a divan. If by chance your +apartment is in disorder, you ought to have sufficient discernment to +know that there is only one place in which a man could bestow himself. +Finally, if by some devilish inspiration he has made himself so small +that he has squeezed into some unimaginable lurking-place (for we may +expect anything from a celibate), well, either your wife cannot help +casting a glance towards this mysterious spot, or she will pretend to +look in an exactly opposite direction, and then nothing is easier for +a husband than to set a mouse-trap for his wife. + +The hiding-place being discovered, you must walk straight up to the +lover. You must meet him face to face! + +And now you must endeavor to produce a fine effect. With your face +turned three-quarters towards him, you must raise your head with an +air of superiority. This attitude will enhance immensely the effect +which you aim at producing. + +The most essential thing to do at this moment, is to overwhelm the +celibate by some crushing phrase which you have been manufacturing all +the time; when you have thus floored him, you will coldly show him the +door. You will be very polite, but as relentless as the executioner's +axe, and as impassive as the law. This freezing contempt will already +probably have produced a revolution in the mind of your wife. There +must be no shouts, no gesticulations, no excitement. "Men of high +social rank," says a young English author, "never behave like their +inferiors, who cannot lose a fork without sounding the alarm +throughout the whole neighborhood." + +When the celibate has gone, you will find yourself alone with your +wife, and then is the time when you must subjugate her forever. + +You should therefore stand before her, putting on an air whose +affected calmness betrays the profoundest emotion; then you must +choose from among the following topics, which we have rhetorically +amplified, and which are most congenial to your feelings: "Madame," +you must say, "I will speak to you neither of your vows, nor of my +love; for you have too much sense and I have too much pride to make it +possible that I should overwhelm you with those execrations, which all +husbands have a right to utter under these circumstances; for the +least of the mistakes that I should make, if I did so, is that I would +be fully justified. I will not now, even if I could, indulge either in +wrath or resentment. It is not I who have been outraged; for I have +too much heart to be frightened by that public opinion which almost +always treats with ridicule and condemnation a husband whose wife has +misbehaved. When I examine my life, I see nothing there that makes +this treachery deserved by me, as it is deserved by many others. I +still love you. I have never been false, I will not say to my duty, +for I have found nothing onerous in adoring you, but not even to those +welcome obligations which sincere feeling imposes upon us both. You +have had all my confidence and you have also had the administration of +my fortune. I have refused you nothing. And now this is the first time +that I have turned to you a face, I will not say stern, but which is +yet reproachful. But let us drop this subject, for it is of no use for +me to defend myself at a moment when you have proved to me with such +energy that there is something lacking in me, and that I am not +intended by nature to accomplish the difficult task of rendering you +happy. But I would ask you, as a friend speaking to a friend, how +could you have the heart to imperil at the same time the lives of +three human creatures: that of the mother of my children, who will +always be sacred to me; that of the head of the family; and finally of +him--who loves--[she perhaps at these words will throw herself at your +feet; you must not permit her to do so; she is unworthy of kneeling +there]. For you no longer love me, Eliza. Well, my poor child [you +must not call her _my poor child_ excepting when the crime has not +been committed]--why deceive ourselves? Why do you not answer me? If +love is extinguished between a married couple, cannot friendship and +confidence still survive? Are we not two companions united in making +the same journey? Can it be said that during the journey the one must +never hold out his hand to the other to raise up a comrade or to +prevent a comrade's fall? But I have perhaps said too much and I am +wounding your pride--Eliza! Eliza!" + +Now what the deuce would you expect a woman to answer? Why a +catastrophe naturally follows, without a single word. + +In a hundred women there may be found at least a good half dozen of +feeble creatures who under this violent shock return to their husbands +never perhaps again to leave them, like scorched cats that dread the +fire. But this scene is a veritable alexipharmaca, the doses of which +should be measured out by prudent hands. + +For certain women of delicate nerves, whose souls are soft and timid, +it would be sufficient to point out the lurking-place where the lover +lies, and say: "M. A----z is there!" [at this point shrug your +shoulders]. "How can you thus run the risk of causing the death of two +worthy people? I am going out; let him escape and do not let this +happen again." + +But there are women whose hearts, too violently strained in these +terrible catastrophes, fail them and they die; others whose blood +undergoes a change, and they fall a prey to serious maladies; others +actually go out of their minds. These are examples of women who take +poison or die suddenly--and we do not suppose that you wish the death +of the sinner. + +Nevertheless, the most beautiful and impressionable of all the queens +of France, the charming and unfortunate Mary Stuart, after having seen +Rizzio murdered almost in her arms, fell in love, nevertheless, with +the Earl of Bothwell; but she was a queen and queens are abnormal in +disposition. + +We will suppose, then, that the woman whose portrait adorns our first +Meditation is a little Mary Stuart, and we will hasten to raise the +curtain for the fifth act in this grand drama entitled _Marriage_. + +A conjugal catastrophe may burst out anywhere, and a thousand +incidents which we cannot describe may give it birth. Sometimes it is +a handkerchief, as in _Othello_; or a pair of slippers, as in _Don +Juan_; sometimes it is the mistake of your wife, who cries out--"Dear +Alphonse!" instead of "Dear Adolph!" Sometimes a husband, finding out +that his wife is in debt, will go and call on her chief creditor, and +will take her some morning to his house, as if by chance, in order to +bring about a catastrophe. "Monsieur Josse, you are a jeweler and you +sell your jewels with a readiness which is not equaled by the +readiness of your debtors to pay for them. The countess owes you +thirty thousand francs. If you wish to be paid to-morrow [tradesmen +should always be visited at the end of the month] come to her at noon; +her husband will be in the chamber. Do not attend to any sign which +she may make to impose silence upon you--speak out boldly. I will pay +all." + +So that the catastrophe in the science of marriage is what figures are +in arithmetic. + + + +All the principles of higher conjugal philosophy, on which are based +the means of defence outlined in this second part of our book, are +derived from the nature of human sentiments, and we have found them in +different places in the great book of the world. Just as persons of +intellect instinctively apply the laws of taste whose principles they +would find difficulty in formulating, so we have seen numberless +people of deep feeling employing with singular felicity the precepts +which we are about to unfold, yet none of them consciously acted on a +definite system. The sentiments which this situation inspired only +revealed to them incomplete fragments of a vast system; just as the +scientific men of the sixteenth century found that their imperfect +microscopes did not enable them to see all the living organisms, whose +existence had yet been proved to them by the logic of their patient +genius. + +We hope that the observations already made in this book, and in those +which follow, will be of a nature to destroy the opinion which +frivolous men maintain, namely that marriage is a sinecure. According +to our view, a husband who gives way to ennui is a heretic, and more +than that, he is a man who lives quite out of sympathy with the +marriage state, of whose importance he has no conception. In this +connection, these Meditations perhaps will reveal to very many +ignorant men the mysteries of a world before which they stand with +open eyes, yet without seeing it. + +We hope, moreover, that these principles when well applied will +produce many conversions, and that among the pages that separate this +second part from that entitled _Civil War_ many tears will be shed and +many vows of repentance breathed. + +Yes, among the four hundred thousand honest women whom we have so +carefully sifted out from all the European nations, we indulge the +belief that there are a certain number, say three hundred thousand, +who will be sufficiently self-willed, charming, adorable, and +bellicose to raise the standard of _Civil War_. + +To arms then, to arms! + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Physiology of Marriage, Part II. +by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MARRIAGE *** + +***** This file should be named 5899.txt or 5899.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/8/9/5899/ + +Produced by Dagny; and John Bickers + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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