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diff --git a/old/nthtt10.txt b/old/nthtt10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..58ee519 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/nthtt10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1610 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Nothing to Eat, by Horatio Alger [supposed] +#20 in our series by Horatio Alger [supposed] + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Nothing to Eat + +Author: Horatio Alger [supposed] + +Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5868] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on September 15, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO EAT *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + +[Illustration: "PROTESTING, EXCUSING, AND SWEARING A VOW, +SHE'D NOTHING WORTH EATING TO GIVE US FOR DINNER."] + + + +NOTHING TO EAT. + +Illustrated. + +NOT + +By the Author of "Nothing to Wear" + +"I'll nibble a little at what I have got." + + --"My appetite's none of the best. +And so I must pamper the delicate thing." + + --The least mite will suffice: + A side bone and dressing and bit of the breast. + The tip of the rump--that's it--and one of the fli's" + +NEW YORK: + +1857 + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by +EDWARD O. JENKINS, + +in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern +District of New York. + + +Respectfully Dedicated + +TO ALL LADIES "DYING WITH DYSPEPSIA. + +"Where fashion and folly are all of a suit." + +BY A JOLLY GOOD NATURED AUTHOR. + + + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + + + +THE ARGUMENT + +THE PROOF--THE QUEEN OF FASHION + +THE OBJECT AIMED AT + +WHAT ANOTHER POET DID + +HOW THE AUTHOR SOMETIMES DINES + +MERDLE THE BANKER + +PLACES WHERE MORTALS DINE + +THINGS THAT MORTALS EAT THERE + +THE INVITATION + +THE MERDLE ORIGIN + +MRS. MERDLE AT HOME + +MRS. MERDLE GOES TO MARKET + +THE DINNER-BELL RINGS + +THE DINNER TABLE TALK + +MRS. MERDLE DOUBTS PARADISE'S UNEATING PLEASURES + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THINGS EARTHLY + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THINGS EATABLE + +MRS. MERDLE ORDERETH THE SECOND COURSE + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF HYGIENE AND FISH SAUCE + +MRS. MEEDLE DESCRIBETH HER DOCTOR + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH AGAIN ON DINNER + +MRS. MERDLE ACCEPTETH OF A SLIGHT DINNER, SUITABLE FOR A WOMAN +SUFFERING WITH DYSPEPSIA. + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF WISHES AND HER SUFFERING + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF PUDDING + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THE NECESSITY OF GOOD WINE AND OTHER +MATTERS + +MRS. MERDLE SUGGESTETH THAT DINNER BEING FINISHED, THE GENTLEMEN +WILL SMOKE. IN THE MEANTIME, SHE DISCOURSETH + +MRS. MERDLE, HAVING "NIBBLED A LITTLE" FOR TWO HOURS AT DINNER, +RETIRETH FROM THE TABLE UNSATISFIED + +THE POET MORALIZETH.--HE DISCOURSETH TO THOSE WHO GORGE AND COMPLAIN + +HE DISCOURSETH OF THE WHEREFORE OF BACHELORISM + +HE DISCOURSETH OF WHAT SOME MORTALS LIVE FOR + +HE IMPLORETH MERCY UPON THOSE WHO ARE CONDEMNED WITH FASHIONABLE +FOLLY TO MARRY, AND ILLUSTRATETH THEIR CONDITION + +HE IMPLORETH MERCY FOR OTHER UNFORTUNATE BEINGS + +HE DISCOURSETH OF A COMMON PRAYER + +HE DISCOURSETH OF TROUBLE AND SORROW + +HE MORALIZETH UPON WHAT A DAY MAY BRING FORTH + +HAVING REACHED THIRTYSIXTHLY, THE AUTHOR IS ABOUT TO MAKE THE +"APPLICATION," AND PRAY FORGIVENESS, BUT CONCLUDES BY REMAINING +INCOG + + + + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + + + + +PLATE I, NOTHING TO EAT + +PLATE II, THE "DINING SALOON" + +PLATE III, THE INVITATION TO DINNER + +PLATE IV, KITTY MALONE'S INHERITANCE + +PLATE V, THE MEAT MARKET + +PLATE VI, THE DINNER + +PLATE VII, THE WATER CURE + +PLATE VIII, AFTER DINNER + + + +Nothing To Eat. + +Not by the Author of "Nothing to Wear." + +The Argument + + +THOUGH famine prevails not at all in the city; +Though none of starvation have died in the street; +Yet many there are now exciting our pity, +Who're daily complaining of nothing to eat. + +The every-day cry and the every-day fare, +That's every day heard where the Livewells are dining, +Is nothing to eat, or else nothing to wear, +Which naked and starving rich Merdles are whining. + +There's Kitty Malone--Mrs. Merdle 'tis now-- +Was ever on earth here before such a sinner; +Protesting, excusing and swearing a vow, +She'd nothing worth eating to give us for dinner. + +Why Kitty, if starving for want of a meal, +And had'nt a cent in the world to buy meat, +You wouldn't exclaim with a more pious zeal, +"I'm dying of hunger--we've nothing to eat!!" + + + +The Proof--the Queen of Fashion + + +The point I advance, if it need confirmation, +I'll prove by a witness that few will dispute, +A pink of perfection and truth in the naion +Where fashion and folly are all of a suit. + +'Tis "Merdle the banker"--or rather his wife, +Whose fashion, religion, or music, or dress, +Is followed, consulted, by many through life, +As pilots are followed by ships in distress; +For money's a pilot, a master, a king, +Which men follow blindly through quicksands and shoals, +Where pilots their ships in a moment might fling +To destruction the vessel and cargo and souls. + +'Twas money made Kitty of fashion the queen, +And fortune oft lends queens the scepter; +So fortune and fashion with this one we've seen +Her money and fortune in fashion has kept her; +While slaves of the queen with her hoops rules the day, +Expanding their utmost extent of expansion, +And mandates of fashion most freely obey, +And would if it bid all their souls to extinction. + + + +The Object aimed at. + + +But what "lady patron" as queen holds the sway; +Or sweeping, whose hoops in the street are most sweeping; +The burthen is not of this truth-telling lay, +That should in its reading the world set to weeping, +While telling the suff'rings from head to the feet, +Of poor human beings with _nothing to eat_. + + + +What another Poet did. + + +Another expounder of life's thorny mazes +Excited our pity at fortune's hard fare, +And troubled the city's most troublesome places, +While singing his ditty of "Nothing to Wear." + +"A tale worth the telling,"' though I tell for the same, +Great objects of pity we see in the street, +"With nothing to wear, though a legion by name, +Is not to buy clothing, but something to eat. + + + +How the Author sometimes Dines. + + +And now by your leave I will try to expound it, +In truth as it is and the way that I found it. + +My dinner, sometimes, like things transcendental +And things more substantial, like women and wine +A thing is, uncertain, and quite accidental, +And sometimes I wonder, "Oh! where shall I dine?" + +It was when reflecting one evening of late, +What tavern or hotel or dining-room skinner, +With table cloth dirty and dirtier plate, +Would give me a nausea and call it a dinner, +I met with Jack Merdle, a name fully known +As good for a million in Stock-gamblers' Street, +Where none but a nabob or forger high flown +With "bulls" or with "bears" need look for a seat. + + + +Merdle the Banker. + + +Now Merdle this day having toss'd with his horns +The bears that were pulling so hard at the stocks, +And gored every bull that was treading his corns, +Had lined all his pockets with "plenty of rocks," +And home now was driving at "two forty" speed, +Where dinner was waiting--"a jolly good feed." + +Himself feeling happy, he knew by my looks, +A case full of sadness and deep destitution +Was present in person, not read of in books, +Appealing in pity for an alms institution. + + + +Places Where Mortals Dine. + + +The case, too, was urgent, for there stood a sinner, +Whose fate hung on chance--a chance for his dinner; +A chance for all mortals, with truth I assert, +Who eat where his chance was, to counteract fate, +"To eat during life each a peck of pure dirt" +By eating at once the whole peck from one plate. +For true when I think of the places we eat at, +Or rather the places by hunger when driven +We rush in and swallow our bread and our meat at, +A bushel good measure in life will be given +To those who are living a "boarding-house life," +Or those who are driven by fortune to journey, +And eat when we must with so dirty a knife, +I wish't could be done by the power of attorney; +Or where you must eat in a place called "saloon;" +Or "coffee-house" synonym of whisky and rum; +(I wish all the breed were sent off to the moon, +And earth was well clear of the coffee-house scum;) +Or where "Restauration" hangs out for sign, +At bar-room or cellar or dirty back room, +Where dishcloths for napkins are thought extra fine, +And table cloths look as though washed with a broom; +Where knives waiters spit on and wipe on their sleeves, +And plates needing polish, with coat tails are cleaned; +Where priests dine with harlots, and judges with thieves, +And mayors with villains his worship has screened. + +[ILLUSTRATION: "WHERE KNIVES WAITERS SPIT ON AND WIPE ON THEIR +SLEEVES, AND PLATES NEEDING POLISH, WITH COAT TAILS ARE CLEANED."] + + + +Things That Mortals Eat There. + + +And what do you eat in the mess there compounded? +For roast beef, the gravy the soap-man should claim-- +The soup some odd things might turn up if sounded, +And other "made-dishes" might turn up the same. + +Decoctions that puzzle your chemical skill, +You get if you call either coffee or tea; +And milk that is made with and tastes of the swill, +As like milk, as wine is that often we see +Is like to the juice of the grape in perfection, +Or like as the candidate after election +Is like the fair thing that we hoped or expected +Before the base thief was exposed or detected; +As like truth and virtue--and more is the pity-- +The men we elected to rule our own city. + +In "council" while sitting, though "common" we call them, +In common opinion, if people at large +Are's common in morals, no worse could befal 'em +If Satan should take them at once in his charge. + +If food as their filth was as plenty for diet, +No lack would they feel of the coveted cash, +Or power they maintain with the power of a riot, +When heads of opponents are served up as hash +By Star-chamber cooks of the club "restoration," +That rules now the city and would rule the nation, +If "Sachems" were willing the "Wigwam" to yield, +And give the arch-traitor a fair fighting field. + +[Illustration: "JACK WARDEN DROVE UP IN HIS CARRIAGE AND BAYS."] + +But fighting just now is not our intention, +But dining with Merdle, the banker, in state, +And only these items like side dishes mention, +While waiting the coming the main dinner plate. + + + +The Invitation. + + +While waiting debating I stated before, +Jack Merdle drove up in his carriage and bays, +"Halloo," said the banker, "I see you're ashore-- +No wonder--this weather is all in a haze-- +But come in my carriage, and truly confess +You're a victim of hunger and dinner down town; +A case of most common distressing distress; +When dining in public with Jones, Smith or Brown, +Or some other practical men of the nation, +Is worse on the whole than a little starvation. + +But come home with me for the sake of Lang Syne, +And see Mrs. Merdle and see how we dine. + +I must not expect," he advised in advance, +"To meet with a dinner got up in perfection, +But must run the risk of the luck and the chance, +As candidates do on the day of election." + + + +The Merdle Origin. + + +Now Merdle, _en passant_, I had known for a score +Of years, when a dinner with Jones, Brown or Smith +As good as one gets for a quarter or more, +Was a thing unthought of, or else but a myth +In Merde's day-dreaming of things yet in store, +When hope painted visions of a painted abode, +And hope never hoped for anything more-- +I'm sure never dreamed he would dine _a la mode_. + +In dreams wildest fancy I doubt if he dreamed, +That time in its changes that wears rocky shores, +Should change what so changeless certainly seemed, +Till Merdle, Jack Merdle, would own twenty stores, +Much more own a bank, e'en the horse that he rode, +Or pay half the debts of the wild oats he sowed. + +I knew when he worked at his old father's trade, +And thought he would stick to his wax and the last, +But Fortune, the fickle, incontinent jade, +A turn to his fortune has given a cast; +"A wife with a fortune," which men hunt in packs, +To Jack was the fortune that fell to his share; +A fortune that often is such a hard tax, +That men hurry through it with "nothing to spare," +With "nothing to eat," or a house "fit to live in," +With "nothing half decent" to put on their backs, +With nothing "exclusive" to have or believe in, +"Except what is common to common street hacks." + +So fortune and comfort, that should be like brothers, +Though fought for and bled for where fortunes are made, +Though sought for and failed of by ten thousand others, +Are not worth the fighting and fuss that is made. + +But fortune for Merdle by Cupid was cast, +And bade him look higher than wax and the last, +That Merdle his father, with good honest trade, +Had used with the stitches his waxed end had made. + +I knew when old Merdle lived down by the mill, +I often went fishing and Jack dug the bait; +But Jack Merdle then never thought he should fill +With fish and roast meat such a full dinner plate: +Nor I, when my line which I threw for a trout +While Jack watched the bob of the light floating cork, +Ever thought of the time in a "Merdle turn out" +To ride, or to dine with a pearl handle fork +In Jack's splendid mansion, where taste, waste and style, +Contend for preemption, as then by the mill, +Old Merdle contended with fortune the while, +For bread wherewithal Jack's belly to fill. + +[Illustration: "I NEVER THOUGHT THEN LITTLE KITTY MALONE, AS HEIR TO +OLD CRIPUS WOULD BRING HIM THE CASH."] + +I never thought then little Kitty Malone +As heir to old Gripus would bring him the cash, +'Pon which as a banker Jack Merdle has shone, +And Kitty in fashion has cut such a dash; +Nor when as a girl not a shoe to her feet, +She accepted my offers of coppers or candy, +She would tell me in satin "we've nothing to eat," +While eating from silver or sipping her brandy, +And wond'ring that Merdle, the Jack I have named, +Should bring home a friend--('twas thus she exclaimed-- +The day that I've mentioned--a day to remember-- +When Merdle and I in his carriage and bays, +Through Avenue Five on a day in September, +Drove up to a mansion with gas-light ablaze.) + + + +Mrs. Merdle At Home. + + +She Discourseth of Nothing to Eat and the Cost thereof. + +Why Merdle--why did you bring Dinewell to-day? +So very, though welcome, so quite unexpected! + +For dinner, if any, I'm sure I can't say, +Our servants with washing are all so infected. + +If any's provided, 't is nothing but scraps +Of pot-luck or pick up of some common fare; +Or something left over from last week perhaps, +Which you've brought a friend, and an old one, to share. + +I never, I'm sure now, so much was ashamed, +To think he'll discover--what's true to the letter-- +We've nothing, or next to't that's fit to be named, +For one who is used every day to what's better. + +But what can you expect if you come on a Monday? +Our French cook's away too, I vow and declare-- +But if you would see us with something to spare, +Let's know when you're coming, or come on a Sunday; +For that of all others, for churchmen or sinners, +A day is for gorging with extra good dinners. + +[Illustration: "AND THAT IS JUST WHAT, AS OUR BUTCHER EXPLAINS, THE +DICKENS HAS PLAYED WITH OUR BEEF AND OUR MUTTON."] + +If Merdle had told me a friend would be here, +A dinner I'd get up in spite of the bills-- +I often tell butcher he's wonderful dear-- +He says every calf that a butcher now kills, +Will cost near as much as the price of a steer, +Before all the banks in their discount expanded +And flooded the country with 'lamp-black and rags,' +Which poor men has ruined and shipwrecked and stranded +On Poverty's billows and quick-sands and crags. + +And that is just what, as our butcher explains, +The dickens has played with our beef and our mutton; +But something is gained, for, with all of his pains, +The poor man won't make of himself such a glutton. + +I'm sure if they knew what a sin 't is to eat, +When things are all selling at extravagant prices, +That poor folks more saving would be of their meat, +And learn by example how little suffices. + +I wish they could see for themselves what a table-- +What examples we set to the laboring poor, +In prudence, and saving, in those who are able +To live like a king and his court on a tour. + +I feel, I acknowledge, sometimes quite dejected +To think, as it happens with you here today, +To drop in so sudden and quite unexpected, +How poor we are living some people will say. + + + +Mrs. Merdle goes to Market. + + +With prices outrageous they charge now for meat, +And servants so worthless are every day growing, +I wonder we get half enough now to eat, +And shouldn't if 't want for the fact of my going +To market to cheapen potatoes and beef, +And talk to the butchers about their abuses, +And listen to stories beyond our belief, +They tell while they cheat us, by way of excuses. + +And grocers--do tell us--is 't legal to charge +Such prices for sugar, and butter, and flour? + +Oh, why don't the Mayor in his wisdom enlarge +Both weight and measure as he does 'doubtful power?' + + + +The Dinner-bell Rings. + + +Mrs. Merdle Describes the Sufferings of Dyspepsia and its Remedy. + +But come, now, I hear by the sound of the ringing +That dinner is ready; and time none to spare +To finish our eating in time for the singing +At Niblo's; or at Burton's drop in for a stare. + +To 'kill time' the object, whatever the source is, +And that is the reason we sit at the table +And call for our dinner in slow-coming courses, +To kill, while we eat, all the time we are able. + +Though little, I told you, that's worthy your taste +You'll find on our table, pray don't think us mean-- +Your welcome is ample--that's better than waste-- +Oh! here comes the soup in a silver tureen-- +'Tis mock turtle too--so good for digestion: +That kills me by inches, the wretched complaint +Dyspepsia--to cure which, I take by suggestion +Port-wine in the soup, when I feel slightly faint. + + + +The Dinner Table Talk. + + +Now soup, if you like made of beef very nice, +You'll find this the next thing to the height of perfection; +And eaten with ketchup, or thickened with rice, +Will suit you I know, if this is your selection. + +My own disposition to this one inclines, +But dreadful dyspepsia destroys all the pleasure +Of dinner, except it's well tinctured with wines +Which plan I adopt as a health-giving measure. + +A table well ordered, well furnished, and neat, +No wonder our nature for ever is tempting; +And I'd like to know if Mahomet could beat +Its pleasures--dyspepsia for ever exempting-- +With all that he promised in paradise gained, +With Houris attendant in place of the churls +With which we are worried, tormented, and pained-- +The colored men servants, or green Irish girls. + + + +Mrs. Merdle doubts Paradise's Uneating Pleasure. + + +Though Houris are handsome, though lovely the place-- +More lovely perhaps than our own country seat-- +I never could see, in the light of free grace +What pleasure they have there with nothing to eat. + +With nothing to wear, if the climate is suiting, +We might get along I am sure pretty well; +No washing and starching and crimping and fluting, +No muslin and laces and trouble of dressing, they tell, +E'er troubles the women, or bothers the men, +Who soon grow accustomed, as people do here, +To fashions prevailing, and things that they ken; +To dresses fore-shortened where bosoms appear; +To bonnets that show but a rose in the wearing; +To dresses that sweep like a besom the street; +To dresses so gauzy the hoops through are seen; +To shoes quite as gauzy to cover the feet; +But watch how a man here goes raving and swearing, +At wife and all hands, if they've nothing to eat! + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Things Earthly. + + +No matter how costly or flimsy her dresses, +The angel you honor with your kind attentions; +No matter how foolish her wardrobe inventions, +You love her, or say so, from slipper to tresses; +But, presto! you call her the greatest of sinners, +Though smiling, she treats you to badly cooked dinners; +Which proves where the seat is of men's best affections, +With which 'pon their honor they extol us as wives, +And treat us at dinner with sagest reflections, +Of beauty, and duty we owe all our lives +To you, noble lords, of this mundane creation; +Which, judging from some things they tell us, +Was made for the creatures of this trading nation, +Who make it a business to buy us and sell us, +Like 'Erie,' or 'Central,' or other such stocks; +With care, when they bid for a very 'Miss Nancy,' +That she's of a stock that the brokers call 'fancy,' +Or else has a pocket 'chuck full of the rocks'-- +The rocks that are wrecking each day of their sailing, +More fortunes than ever in ocean were swallowed; +Where 'ventures' of marriage their victims impaling +With mammon and mis'ry together have wallowed. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Things Eatable. + + +Now Colonel, to husband you need not be winking, +While wiping the soup with a smile from your lips; +I know just as well as he does how you're thinking +The soup is as tasteless as though made of chips. + +You need not deny it, and swear that no better +Concocted was ever in London or Paris; +Remember the praises you gave in your letter +Of cooking and eating you wrote to Miss Harris. + +Now, Colonel, don't offer a word more to flatter-- +The soup may be so-so, but wait for the meat; +And after you've seen the last dish, plate, or platter, +You'll own then, I'm certain, we've nothing to eat-- +That is compared, as described to Miss Harris, +With all the best tables you eat at in Paris. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Ordereth the Second Course. + + +Come, John, Jane, and Susan, the soup take away, +And bring in the turbot, the sheep's head and bass; +And have you got lobster and salad to-day? +And see that the celery's all right in the glass. + +Now fish--Colonel Dinewell, which fish will you try? +And how shall I dress it to suit your nice taste? +For sauce to the fish is as love to the sigh, +Imperfect, it's worthless, and both prove a waste. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Hygiene and Fish Sauce. + + +But this is concocted by rules so complete; +Though piquant, is healthy and easy digested; +And if you will note it as slowly we eat, +The contents I'll give for our friends interested. + +Imprimus: in fish stock, an onion we stew, +And anchovy essence two spoonfuls we add; +With butter, horse-radish, and lemons a few; +Mushrooms, too, in ketchup is not very bad; +And pickle of walnuts with onions chopped fine, +To which there is added some old sherry wine. + +My doctor, so queer, when I suffer distress, +Inquires what I've latterly foolishly eaten, +And swears that to swallow this 'horrible mess,' +Would entitle a dog like a dog to be beaten. + +But la! such a doctor knows nothing of women's complaints, +And talks Latin nonsense about 'regular diet;' +And thinks that us mortals--should live more like saints, +On moonshine and nonsense of a heavenly quiet. + +He says that a woman of my plaint complaining, +If she was a woman at all half discreet, +Would shudder to think every day she is maiming +Her stomach with trash, and such stuff as we eat! + + + +Mrs. Merdle Describeth her Doctor. + + +But he's an old fogy, you may know by this sign-- +He don't smoke tobacco, drink lager or wine; +And swears that rich gravy, roast pork or chop, +Would kill a big ostrich, if stuffed in his crop. + +He told me one day 'bout the pain in my feet, +'I see what 't is ails you--you've nothing to eat!' + +Provoking, absurd, foolish hint that my health +Was injured by eating what station and wealth +And fashion give right for my sex to enjoy +In spite of the doctors we choose to employ. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth again on Dinner. + + +But you are not eating, and I fear that the fish, +Or else 't is the gravy's not done to your wish. + +You're starving while waiting for something to eat-- +Thank fortune I told you how poorly we live-- +I hope John now will give us a piece of roast meat, +Or else such a dinner you'd never forgive. + +Why yes, Merdle, look, there is beef on that dish-- +Jane Hill, don't you see, there's a plate here to shift-- +That John is now bringing--'t is all he can lift-- +And Colonel, that turkey, you know 't is my wish-- +You know that Excelsior's your motto in carving-- +As nothing more now we shall have on the table +"We'll eat and give thanks this day that we're able +To keep our poor bodies entirely from starving. + +Now Susan's this all that you've been able to pick up? +Oh, no! there's a ham, and it's done to a turn +So nice, that the nose of a Jew needn't stick up; +And a tongue--well, a tongue I never could spurn; +It's nice while the wine at our leisure we sip; +And good with a cracker in wine we can dip. + +[Illustration: "MY APPETITE'S NONE OF THE BEST AND SO I MUST PAMPER +THE DELICATE THING. AND TICKLE A FANCY THAT'S VERY CAPRICIOUS WITH +BITS OF A TURKEY, THE BREAST OR THE WING. WITH KIRF VERY TENDER AND +GRAVY DELICIOUS."] + + + +Mrs. Merdle Accepteth of a slight Dinner, suitable for a Woman +suffering with Dyspepsia. + + +Some turkey? why yes--the least mite will suffice; +A side bone and dressing and bit of the breast; +The tip of the rump--that's it--and one o' the fli's-- +In spite of the doctor: my appetite's none of the best, +And so I must pamper the delicate thing, +And tickle a fancy that's very capricious +With bits of a turkey, the breast or the wing, +With beef very tender, and gravy delicious. + +Some beef now? I thank you, not any at present; +I'll nibble a little at what I have got, +And wish for a duck, or a grouse, or a pheasant, +Though none of them come for a wish, in the pot. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Wishes and her Sufferings. + + +'If wishes were horses'--I've heard when a girl-- +'If wishes were horses, the beggars would ride'-- +If wishes were pheasants, I'd wish with a skirl +Till cooked ones came flying and sat by my side. + +A fig, then, for doctors, their tinctures and drugs; +Good eating would cure me, with plenty of game; +And as for pill boxes, and bottles, and jugs, +I wouldn't know one, when I saw it, by name. + +Oh, dear! such a load now my stomach oppresses, +While eating these trifles, attempting to dine-- +I'm sure 'taint the turkey--it must be my dresses-- +And if so 't will ease them to sip sherry wine. + +'Tis sad, though, to be such a sad invalid-- +Dear me, Colonel Dinewell, you've done eating meat-- +Your doctor, like mine, I hope hasn't forbid, +That you shouldn't have, as I do, so little to eat. +Ah! well then, I see, though I've hardly begun, +The meats and the solids must go right away; +So bring in the pudding, if Susan's got one, +Which will for a while one's appetite stay. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Pudding. + + +A pudding! why yes, as I live, too, it's plum; +So plain, Susan makes them on purpose for me +I never refuse, when the plum puddings come, +To finish my dinner, if finished 't can be +On things unsubstantial, like puddings and pies, +So made up of suet, and currants, and flour, +Like this one before us, to get up the size, +And stirred up and beaten with eggs by the hour, +With bread crumbs, and citron, and small piece of mace; +With nutmeg, and cinnamon, and sugar, and milk, +And" currants, and raisins, and spices so race, +And what else I know not of things of that ilk. + +The whole after cooking six hours at the least, +When thus well compounded with delicate skill, +With wine sauce is eaten, to finish the feast, +And suits the digestion of ladies quite ill, +Who suffer as I do, from having bad cooks, +And very weak stomachs, and food that near kills 'em; +And then such a sight of bad rules in the books +From contents to finis, to cure one that fills 'em. + +[Illustration: "FOR NOTHING TO CURE WITH IS USED BUT COLD WATER: AND +WHAT WITH THE BATHING AND WASHING AND SCRUBBING--"] + +There's one of all others so much recommended +To cure every ill of old Eve's every daughter, +With nothing or next to't, for medicine expended, +For nothing to cure with is used but cold water. + +And what with the bathing, and washing, and scrubbing; +The packing, and sweating, and using the sheet; +The shower bath, and douche bath, and all sorts of rubbing; +And literally nothing but brown bread to eat, +No wonder the patient accepts of the lure, +To escape such a ducking, acknowledged a cure. + +But Lord, what a skein I have made of my yarn, +While Susan's arranging and changing the plates, +And running all round old Robin Hood's barn, +Like puzzles at school that we made on our slates; +But talking of puzzles, no one that we made, +While playing the fool we played as a trade, +When childhood and folly joined hands at the schools, +Could equal the pranks of these cold-water fools. + +Yes, yes, Mr. Merdle, I knew by the smelling +The pudding was ready, without any telling; +So Colonel, I'll help you a delicate slice-- +For nothing, I'm sure, like a dinner you've eaten-- +And afterwards follow with jelly and ice, +So pleasant while waiting to cool off the heat on; +And then with a syllabub, comfit, or cream, +Our dessert of almonds and raisins we'll nibble, +Till coffee comes in to revive with it's steam, +When cakes in its fragrance we'll leisurely dibble. + +I'm sure after all it's a terrible bore +To labor so hard as we do for our victuals; +I envy the women that beg at the door, +Or hire out for wages to handle your kettles, +And wash, bake, and iron, and do nothing but cooking, +So rugged and healthy, and often good looking: +The doctor has told me except when they're mothers, +They never take tincture, or rhubarb, or pill, +And swears the profession if there were no others, +Their patients would use up, and starve out and kill. + +I'm sure I don't see how that makes them exempt +From all sorts of sickness and woman's complaints, +With nothing to hinder if appetite tempt +From eating or drinking as happy as saints. + +Oh Lord, now, this pudding so delicate made, +And gravy I'm sure with nothing that's rich in, +That one of those women who beg as a trade, +The whole in one stomach could leisurely pitch in, +Is now in my own so terribly painful in feeling, +Its calls for relief are most loudly appealing. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of the necessity of good Wine and other +Matters. + + +So while we are eating the fruits of the vine, +Don't let us forget such a health giving juice, +As Champagne, or Sherbet, or other good wine, +Nor sin by neglecting its 'temperate use.' + +Now Sherbet, my husband extols to the skies, +With me though, my stomach is weak and won't bear it: +And Sherry, though sometimes affecting my eyes, +A bottle with pleasure we'll open and share it. + +Ha, ha, well-a-day--what a queer world to live in, +If one were contented on little to dine, +We need not be longing another to be in, +Where women, they tell us, exist without wine; +Where husbands are happy and women content; +Where dresses, though gauzy, are fit for the street; +Where no one is wretched with purses unbent, +With nothing to wear and nothing to eat. + +Where women no longer are treated la Turk, +Where husbands descended from Saxon or Norman, +For women when sickly are willing to work, +And not long for Utah and pleasures la Mormon-- +Where men freely marry and live with their wives, +And not live as you do, mon Colonel, so single. + +Such wretched and dinnerless bachelor lives; +You don't know the pleasure there is in the tingle +Of ears pricked by lectures, la curtain, au Caudle, +Or noise of young Dinewells beginning to toddle; +While plodding all day with your paper and quills, +And copy, and proof sheets, and work for the printer, +Pray what do you know of the housekeeper's bills, +And other such 'pleasures of hope' for the winter? + +You men, selfish creatures, think all of the care +Of living and keeping yourselves in existence, +Is due to your own daily labor, and share, +From breakfast to dinner of business persistance; +While woman is either a plaything or drudge, +According to station of wealth or position, +Which men help along with a word or a nudge +To heaven high up or low down to perdition. + +But what was I saying of a world free from care, +Of eating and drinking and dresses to wear? + +Where women by husbands are never tormented, +And never asked money where husbands dissented? +And never see others, their rivals, in fashion ahead, +And never have doctors--a woman's great dread-- +And nothing, I hope, like my own indigestion, +To torment and starve them, as this one does me, +And keep them from sipping--forgive the suggestion-- +The nectar etherial they drink for their tea. + + + +Mrs. Merdle Suggesteth that Dinner being finished, the Gentlement +will Smoke. In the meantime, she Discourseth. + + +"Now Merdle--now Colonel--I know you are waiting. +And thinking my talking to eating's a bar, +Still hoping, by tasting, my appetite sating, +Will give you the license to smoke a cigar. + +[Illustration: "WILL GIVE YOU THE LICENSE TO SMOKE A CIGAR"] + +Well then, I've done now, and hope too you've dined, +As well as down town where you dine for a shilling, +At Taylor's, or Thompson's, or one of the kind, +Where mortals are flocking each day for their filling; +Or else at the Astor where bachelors quarter, +Where port holes for windows give light to the room, +Far out of the region of Eve's every daughter, +So high they are stuck up away toward the moon. + +Though as for the 'stuck up' no walls built of brick, +Or granite, or marble, or dirty red sand, +Could stick up a man who himself's but a stick, +An inch above where he would naturally stand. + +To witness the truth of this final assertion, +I call you to witness the sticks at the door, +Where they make it a daily, a 'manly' diversion, +To ogle each woman, and sometimes do more, +Who passes the hotel that's named by a saint, +Where boorish bad manners give room for complaint. + +Where idlers and loafers, with gamblers a few, +Make up for the nonce the St. Nicholas crew. + +The 'outside barbarians,' I freely confess, +Who ogle our faces and ogle our dress, +Who spit where we walk as dirty a puddle +As bipeds can make when their brains are 'a muddle,' +Do not prove the inside is as dirty as they are, +Or else the gods help all the ladies who stay there. + +Why any prefer in a hotel to stay, +Instead of a house of their choosing to own, +Is just to avoid all the trouble, they say, +That servants to give us are certainly prone, +I'm sure if a tyranny more terrible prevails, +In Austria or other despotic domain, +My memory where most certainly fails, +That servants and milliners over us gain, +Just here in New York, and the more is the pity, +Where Wood is the Mogul that governs the city. + + + +Mrs. Merdle, having "Nibbled a Little" for two Hours at Dinner, +retireth from the Table unsatisfied. + + +"Impatient--oh yes--just the way with you men! + +I never have time to half finish my eating +Ere Merdle is done; such a fidget is then, +He'd starve me I think rather 'n miss of a meeting +Where brokers preside o'er the fate of the stocks, +As Pales presided o'er shepherds and flocks. + +Now while you are smoking--what nonsense and folly-- +I'll go to my room.--don't say No, for I must-- +Put on a new dress, with assistance of Molly, +And then with a little strong tea and a crust, +My strength I may hope for a walk will be able +As far as the gate, and a very short ride, +To give me a relish again for the table-- +What else do we live for in this world beside?" + + + +The Poet Moralizeth--He Discourseth to those who Gorge and +Complain. + + +Oh! Kitty Malone--Mrs. Merdle 'tis now-- +Was there ever on earth than this, greater folly? + +Still gorging, while groaning, and swearing a vow, +That yours is a case of most sad melancholy. + +With table that Croesus never had but might covet, +You live but to eat and to eat 'cause you love it; +And yet while you swallow great sirloins of meat +Complain like a beggar of nothing to eat. + + + +He Discourseth of the Wherefore of Bachelorism. + + +"What else do we live for in this world beside?" + +Alas! 't is the question of ten times a day, +That comes on the wind, or that floats on the tide, +And creeps in the houses where men go to pray. + +What else do we live for than get such a wife +As this of the banker of our faint description? + +What else is the end of our fashionable life +From which men escape as they would from conscription? + +What else is the reason so few natives marry, +Than this, that extravagance leads on to ruin? + +It is because few men are able to carry +The load of this baking and roasting and stewing, +Of buying and wasting extravagant meat, +Where women are dying of "nothing to eat;" +Where men in corruption so rapidly tending, +In morals and wealth in bankruptcy ending. + +That forging and stealing and breaches of trust, +And ten thousand arts of the confidence game, +And follies uncounted of men "on a bust," +Are follies and crimes of this age to our shame, +Till angels who witness the folly so wide +Extended from palace to farm-house and cot, +Might wonder if mortals life's objects forgot, +Or Merdle's position is man's common lot? + + + +He Discourseth of What some Mortals Live for. + + +"What else do they live for in this world beside?" + +What else but for Kittys or one of the same, +Do mothers their daughters at schools give the touch +That leaves them to live as a wife but in name +While position and fashion they frantically clutch. + +What else do they live for, our girls so refined, +So forward, precocious, and gifted at ten +They are flirting and courting and things of the kind, +That never came under our grandmother's ken. + +At fifteen so dressed up, and hooped up, I ween, +They're mothers full often before they're sixteen, +And fading and dowdy and sickly at twenty, +With one boy in trowsers and two girls in laces +Complaining of starving while dying of plenty +The fate is of ladies in fashionable places. + + + +He Imploreth Mercy upon those condemned with fashionable folly to +Marry, and Illustrateth their Condition. + + +Now heaven in mercy be kind to the wretch, +Who marries for money or fashion or folly; +He'd better accept of the noose of Jack Ketch +Than such a "help-meet;" or at once marry Dolly +The cook, or with Bridget, the maid of the broom; +With one he'd be sure to get coffee and meat, +And never hear whining of nothing to eat, +And 't other would make up his bed and his room; +And if he was blest with a child now and then, +As happens sometimes with your fashionable wives, +Who're coupled to bipeds, in nature called men, +He'd need no insurance to warrant their lives; +And need no expense of a grand "bridal tour," +Or visit each season at "watering places," +Where fashion at people well known to be poor, +In money or station, will make ugly faces; +Where women, though married, with roues will flirt; +Where widows, though widows in fresh sable weeds, +Spread nets that entangle like old Nessus' shirt +And finish with Burdell and Cunningham deeds; +Where daughters when fading are taken to spend +A month at the springs, or a week in salt water; +Where bachelors flirting on Ellen attend, +Are whispered by mamma, "engaged to my daughter." + + + +He Imploreth Merry for other Unfortunate Beings. + + +Now heaven in mercy be kind to the wretches +Who stay on the earth like this Mrs. Merdle! + +More wretched than ever a wretch on the hurdle +Was drawn by all England's official Jack Ketches; +More wretched, if can be, at church on a Sunday +A woman, who worships, than God, more her dress, +Would be if she heard or e'en thought Mrs. Grundy +Would sneer at the set of a bonnet or tress; +Or say that she thought Miss Freelove's new pattern +Of laces, or collars, or yard flowing sleeves, +Looked more like the dress of a real Miss Slattern +And not "so becoming"'s the first one of Eve's. + + + +He Discourseth of a Common Prayer. + + +Yet look at the thousands whose every day prayer, +Far more than their own or their neighbor's salvation, +Absorbs every thought, every dream, and all care, +"To eat or to wear, is anything new in creation?" + + + +He Discourseth of Trouble and Sorrow. + + +What else do they live for? They live but for this; +And nothing but this ever troubles their thinking; +Rich eating, rich dressing, and flirting's their bliss, +And life's better purposes constantly blinking. + +Their life's but a tissue of trouble and sorrow +Of what is the fashion or will be to-morrow. + + + +He Moralizeth upon what a Day may Bring forth. + + +"To-morrow!" who'll warrant to-morrow we'll see? + +Who'll care the next day or day after for dinner? + +Or what the next fashion of new dress will be? + +Or who Mrs. Grundy will say is the winner? + +Having reached Thirtysixthly, the Author is +about to Make the "Application," and Pray +forgiveness, but concludes by remaining Incog. + +"Who'll care for, to-morrow, for this bit of scandal, +With malice prepense that a cynic has written? + +(That's what they will say when the poem they handle, +Who feel 'tis themselves whom the mad dog has bitten; +And wish he was treated as dogs with the rabies +Are treated, to stop his unmannerly bark; +Or packed off to bed as you do naughty babies, +To sleep, or be frightened all alone in the dark.) + +Who'll care? why the author of this ugly poem-- +He'll care--for a reason--that all of you read it-- +He'll care for the cash you'll give--Oh! how he needs it-- +(Oh! what would you give, ladies dear, just to know him?--) + +But that, by your leave, by the aid of the elf +The printer employs, he will keep to himself. + +He knows, if you knew him, what fate he would meet; +At every table you'd give him--nothing to eat. + +Excuse then, dear ladies, the author his shyness, +And accept his conge at the end of this + +FINIS. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Nothing to Eat, by Horatio Alger [supposed] + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO EAT *** + +This file should be named nthtt10.txt or nthtt10.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, nthtt11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, nthtt10a.txt + +Produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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