diff options
Diffstat (limited to '5868.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 5868.txt | 1663 |
1 files changed, 1663 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/5868.txt b/5868.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cc29aee --- /dev/null +++ b/5868.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1663 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Nothing to Eat, by +Horatio Alger and Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Nothing to Eat + +Author: Horatio Alger and Thomas Chandler Haliburton + + +Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5868] +This file was first posted on September 15, 2002 +Last Updated: July 2, 2013 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO EAT *** + + + + +Produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + + + + + + + +NOTHING TO EAT + +By Horatio Alger and Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +Illustrated. + +NOT By the Author of "Nothing to Wear" + +"I'll nibble a little at what I have got." + + --"My appetite's none of the best. + And so I must pamper the delicate thing." + + --The least mite will suffice: + A side bone and dressing and bit of the breast. + The tip of the rump--that's it--and one of the fli's" + + +[Illustration: "PROTESTING, EXCUSING, AND SWEARING A VOW, +SHE'D NOTHING WORTH EATING TO GIVE US FOR DINNER."] + + + +NEW YORK + +1857 + + +Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1857, +by EDWARD O. JENKINS, in the Clerk's Office of the District +Court for the Southern District of New York. + + +Respectfully Dedicated + +TO ALL LADIES "DYING WITH DYSPEPSIA. + +"Where fashion and folly are all of a suit." + +BY A JOLLY GOOD NATURED AUTHOR. + + + + + + +CONTENTS. + + + + + +THE ARGUMENT + +THE PROOF--THE QUEEN OF FASHION + +THE OBJECT AIMED AT + +WHAT ANOTHER POET DID + +HOW THE AUTHOR SOMETIMES DINES + +MERDLE THE BANKER + +PLACES WHERE MORTALS DINE + +THINGS THAT MORTALS EAT THERE + +THE INVITATION + +THE MERDLE ORIGIN + +MRS. MERDLE AT HOME + +MRS. MERDLE GOES TO MARKET + +THE DINNER-BELL RINGS + +THE DINNER TABLE TALK + +MRS. MERDLE DOUBTS PARADISE'S UNEATING PLEASURES + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THINGS EARTHLY + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THINGS EATABLE + +MRS. MERDLE ORDERETH THE SECOND COURSE + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF HYGIENE AND FISH SAUCE + +MRS. MEEDLE DESCRIBETH HER DOCTOR + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH AGAIN ON DINNER + +MRS. MERDLE ACCEPTETH OF A SLIGHT DINNER, SUITABLE FOR A WOMAN +SUFFERING WITH DYSPEPSIA. + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF WISHES AND HER SUFFERING + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF PUDDING + +MRS. MERDLE DISCOURSETH OF THE NECESSITY OF GOOD WINE AND OTHER +MATTERS + +MRS. MERDLE SUGGESTETH THAT DINNER BEING FINISHED, THE GENTLEMEN +WILL SMOKE. IN THE MEANTIME, SHE DISCOURSETH + +MRS. MERDLE, HAVING "NIBBLED A LITTLE" FOR TWO HOURS AT DINNER, +RETIRETH FROM THE TABLE UNSATISFIED + +THE POET MORALIZETH.--HE DISCOURSETH TO THOSE WHO GORGE AND COMPLAIN + +HE DISCOURSETH OF THE WHEREFORE OF BACHELORISM + +HE DISCOURSETH OF WHAT SOME MORTALS LIVE FOR + +HE IMPLORETH MERCY UPON THOSE WHO ARE CONDEMNED WITH FASHIONABLE +FOLLY TO MARRY, AND ILLUSTRATETH THEIR CONDITION + +HE IMPLORETH MERCY FOR OTHER UNFORTUNATE BEINGS + +HE DISCOURSETH OF A COMMON PRAYER + +HE DISCOURSETH OF TROUBLE AND SORROW + +HE MORALIZETH UPON WHAT A DAY MAY BRING FORTH + +HAVING REACHED THIRTYSIXTHLY, THE AUTHOR IS ABOUT TO MAKE THE +"APPLICATION," AND PRAY FORGIVENESS, BUT CONCLUDES BY REMAINING +INCOG + + + +ILLUSTRATIONS. + + +PLATE I, NOTHING TO EAT + +PLATE II, THE "DINING SALOON" + +PLATE III, THE INVITATION TO DINNER + +PLATE IV, KITTY MALONE'S INHERITANCE + +PLATE V, THE MEAT MARKET + +PLATE VI, THE DINNER + +PLATE VII, THE WATER CURE + +PLATE VIII, AFTER DINNER + + + + +NOTHING TO EAT. + +Not by the Author of "Nothing to Wear." + + + + + +The Argument + + + THOUGH famine prevails not at all in the city; + Though none of starvation have died in the street; + Yet many there are now exciting our pity, + Who're daily complaining of nothing to eat. + + The every-day cry and the every-day fare, + That's every day heard where the Livewells are dining, + Is nothing to eat, or else nothing to wear, + Which naked and starving rich Merdles are whining. + + There's Kitty Malone--Mrs. Merdle 'tis now-- + Was ever on earth here before such a sinner; + Protesting, excusing and swearing a vow, + She'd nothing worth eating to give us for dinner. + + Why Kitty, if starving for want of a meal, + And had'nt a cent in the world to buy meat, + You wouldn't exclaim with a more pious zeal, + "I'm dying of hunger--we've nothing to eat!!" + + + + +The Proof--the Queen of Fashion + + + The point I advance, if it need confirmation, + I'll prove by a witness that few will dispute, + A pink of perfection and truth in the naion + Where fashion and folly are all of a suit. + + 'Tis "Merdle the banker"--or rather his wife, + Whose fashion, religion, or music, or dress, + Is followed, consulted, by many through life, + As pilots are followed by ships in distress; + For money's a pilot, a master, a king, + Which men follow blindly through quicksands and shoals, + Where pilots their ships in a moment might fling + To destruction the vessel and cargo and souls. + + 'Twas money made Kitty of fashion the queen, + And fortune oft lends queens the scepter; + So fortune and fashion with this one we've seen + Her money and fortune in fashion has kept her; + While slaves of the queen with her hoops rules the day, + Expanding their utmost extent of expansion, + And mandates of fashion most freely obey, + And would if it bid all their souls to extinction. + + + + +The Object aimed at. + + + But what "lady patron" as queen holds the sway; + Or sweeping, whose hoops in the street are most sweeping; + The burthen is not of this truth-telling lay, + That should in its reading the world set to weeping, + While telling the suff'rings from head to the feet, + Of poor human beings with _nothing to eat_. + + + + +What another Poet did. + + + Another expounder of life's thorny mazes + Excited our pity at fortune's hard fare, + And troubled the city's most troublesome places, + While singing his ditty of "Nothing to Wear." + + "A tale worth the telling,"' though I tell for the same, + Great objects of pity we see in the street, + "With nothing to wear, though a legion by name, + Is not to buy clothing, but something to eat. + + + + +How the Author sometimes Dines. + + + And now by your leave I will try to expound it, + In truth as it is and the way that I found it. + + My dinner, sometimes, like things transcendental + And things more substantial, like women and wine + A thing is, uncertain, and quite accidental, + And sometimes I wonder, "Oh! where shall I dine?" + + It was when reflecting one evening of late, + What tavern or hotel or dining-room skinner, + With table cloth dirty and dirtier plate, + Would give me a nausea and call it a dinner, + I met with Jack Merdle, a name fully known + As good for a million in Stock-gamblers' Street, + Where none but a nabob or forger high flown + With "bulls" or with "bears" need look for a seat. + + + + +Merdle the Banker. + + + Now Merdle this day having toss'd with his horns + The bears that were pulling so hard at the stocks, + And gored every bull that was treading his corns, + Had lined all his pockets with "plenty of rocks," + And home now was driving at "two forty" speed, + Where dinner was waiting--"a jolly good feed." + + Himself feeling happy, he knew by my looks, + A case full of sadness and deep destitution + Was present in person, not read of in books, + Appealing in pity for an alms institution. + + + + +Places Where Mortals Dine. + + + The case, too, was urgent, for there stood a sinner, + Whose fate hung on chance--a chance for his dinner; + A chance for all mortals, with truth I assert, + Who eat where his chance was, to counteract fate, + "To eat during life each a peck of pure dirt" + By eating at once the whole peck from one plate. + For true when I think of the places we eat at, + Or rather the places by hunger when driven + We rush in and swallow our bread and our meat at, + A bushel good measure in life will be given + To those who are living a "boarding-house life," + Or those who are driven by fortune to journey, + And eat when we must with so dirty a knife, + I wish't could be done by the power of attorney; + Or where you must eat in a place called "saloon;" + Or "coffee-house" synonym of whisky and rum; + (I wish all the breed were sent off to the moon, + And earth was well clear of the coffee-house scum;) + Or where "Restauration" hangs out for sign, + At bar-room or cellar or dirty back room, + Where dishcloths for napkins are thought extra fine, + And table cloths look as though washed with a broom; + Where knives waiters spit on and wipe on their sleeves, + And plates needing polish, with coat tails are cleaned; + Where priests dine with harlots, and judges with thieves, + And mayors with villains his worship has screened. + + [ILLUSTRATION: "WHERE KNIVES WAITERS SPIT ON AND WIPE ON THEIR + SLEEVES, AND PLATES NEEDING POLISH, WITH COAT TAILS ARE CLEANED."] + + + + +Things That Mortals Eat There. + + + And what do you eat in the mess there compounded? + For roast beef, the gravy the soap-man should claim-- + The soup some odd things might turn up if sounded, + And other "made-dishes" might turn up the same. + + Decoctions that puzzle your chemical skill, + You get if you call either coffee or tea; + And milk that is made with and tastes of the swill, + As like milk, as wine is that often we see + Is like to the juice of the grape in perfection, + Or like as the candidate after election + Is like the fair thing that we hoped or expected + Before the base thief was exposed or detected; + As like truth and virtue--and more is the pity-- + The men we elected to rule our own city. + + In "council" while sitting, though "common" we call them, + In common opinion, if people at large + Are's common in morals, no worse could befal 'em + If Satan should take them at once in his charge. + + If food as their filth was as plenty for diet, + No lack would they feel of the coveted cash, + Or power they maintain with the power of a riot, + When heads of opponents are served up as hash + By Star-chamber cooks of the club "restoration," + That rules now the city and would rule the nation, + If "Sachems" were willing the "Wigwam" to yield, + And give the arch-traitor a fair fighting field. + + [Illustration: "JACK WARDEN DROVE UP IN HIS CARRIAGE AND BAYS."] + + But fighting just now is not our intention, + But dining with Merdle, the banker, in state, + And only these items like side dishes mention, + While waiting the coming the main dinner plate. + + + + +The Invitation. + + + While waiting debating I stated before, + Jack Merdle drove up in his carriage and bays, + "Halloo," said the banker, "I see you're ashore-- + No wonder--this weather is all in a haze-- + But come in my carriage, and truly confess + You're a victim of hunger and dinner down town; + A case of most common distressing distress; + When dining in public with Jones, Smith or Brown, + Or some other practical men of the nation, + Is worse on the whole than a little starvation. + + But come home with me for the sake of Lang Syne, + And see Mrs. Merdle and see how we dine. + + I must not expect," he advised in advance, + "To meet with a dinner got up in perfection, + But must run the risk of the luck and the chance, + As candidates do on the day of election." + + + + +The Merdle Origin. + + + Now Merdle, _en passant_, I had known for a score + Of years, when a dinner with Jones, Brown or Smith + As good as one gets for a quarter or more, + Was a thing unthought of, or else but a myth + In Merde's day-dreaming of things yet in store, + When hope painted visions of a painted abode, + And hope never hoped for anything more-- + I'm sure never dreamed he would dine _a la mode_. + + In dreams wildest fancy I doubt if he dreamed, + That time in its changes that wears rocky shores, + Should change what so changeless certainly seemed, + Till Merdle, Jack Merdle, would own twenty stores, + Much more own a bank, e'en the horse that he rode, + Or pay half the debts of the wild oats he sowed. + + I knew when he worked at his old father's trade, + And thought he would stick to his wax and the last, + But Fortune, the fickle, incontinent jade, + A turn to his fortune has given a cast; + "A wife with a fortune," which men hunt in packs, + To Jack was the fortune that fell to his share; + A fortune that often is such a hard tax, + That men hurry through it with "nothing to spare," + With "nothing to eat," or a house "fit to live in," + With "nothing half decent" to put on their backs, + With nothing "exclusive" to have or believe in, + "Except what is common to common street hacks." + + So fortune and comfort, that should be like brothers, + Though fought for and bled for where fortunes are made, + Though sought for and failed of by ten thousand others, + Are not worth the fighting and fuss that is made. + + But fortune for Merdle by Cupid was cast, + And bade him look higher than wax and the last, + That Merdle his father, with good honest trade, + Had used with the stitches his waxed end had made. + + I knew when old Merdle lived down by the mill, + I often went fishing and Jack dug the bait; + But Jack Merdle then never thought he should fill + With fish and roast meat such a full dinner plate: + Nor I, when my line which I threw for a trout + While Jack watched the bob of the light floating cork, + Ever thought of the time in a "Merdle turn out" + To ride, or to dine with a pearl handle fork + In Jack's splendid mansion, where taste, waste and style, + Contend for preemption, as then by the mill, + Old Merdle contended with fortune the while, + For bread wherewithal Jack's belly to fill. + + [Illustration: "I NEVER THOUGHT THEN LITTLE KITTY MALONE, AS HEIR TO + OLD CRIPUS WOULD BRING HIM THE CASH."] + + I never thought then little Kitty Malone + As heir to old Gripus would bring him the cash, + 'Pon which as a banker Jack Merdle has shone, + And Kitty in fashion has cut such a dash; + Nor when as a girl not a shoe to her feet, + She accepted my offers of coppers or candy, + She would tell me in satin "we've nothing to eat," + While eating from silver or sipping her brandy, + And wond'ring that Merdle, the Jack I have named, + Should bring home a friend--('twas thus she exclaimed-- + The day that I've mentioned--a day to remember-- + When Merdle and I in his carriage and bays, + Through Avenue Five on a day in September, + Drove up to a mansion with gas-light ablaze.) + + + + +Mrs. Merdle At Home. + + + She Discourseth of Nothing to Eat and the Cost thereof. + + Why Merdle--why did you bring Dinewell to-day? + So very, though welcome, so quite unexpected! + + For dinner, if any, I'm sure I can't say, + Our servants with washing are all so infected. + + If any's provided, 't is nothing but scraps + Of pot-luck or pick up of some common fare; + Or something left over from last week perhaps, + Which you've brought a friend, and an old one, to share. + + I never, I'm sure now, so much was ashamed, + To think he'll discover--what's true to the letter-- + We've nothing, or next to't that's fit to be named, + For one who is used every day to what's better. + + But what can you expect if you come on a Monday? + Our French cook's away too, I vow and declare-- + But if you would see us with something to spare, + Let's know when you're coming, or come on a Sunday; + For that of all others, for churchmen or sinners, + A day is for gorging with extra good dinners. + + [Illustration: "AND THAT IS JUST WHAT, AS OUR BUTCHER EXPLAINS, THE + DICKENS HAS PLAYED WITH OUR BEEF AND OUR MUTTON."] + + If Merdle had told me a friend would be here, + A dinner I'd get up in spite of the bills-- + I often tell butcher he's wonderful dear-- + He says every calf that a butcher now kills, + Will cost near as much as the price of a steer, + Before all the banks in their discount expanded + And flooded the country with 'lamp-black and rags,' + Which poor men has ruined and shipwrecked and stranded + On Poverty's billows and quick-sands and crags. + + And that is just what, as our butcher explains, + The dickens has played with our beef and our mutton; + But something is gained, for, with all of his pains, + The poor man won't make of himself such a glutton. + + I'm sure if they knew what a sin 't is to eat, + When things are all selling at extravagant prices, + That poor folks more saving would be of their meat, + And learn by example how little suffices. + + I wish they could see for themselves what a table-- + What examples we set to the laboring poor, + In prudence, and saving, in those who are able + To live like a king and his court on a tour. + + I feel, I acknowledge, sometimes quite dejected + To think, as it happens with you here today, + To drop in so sudden and quite unexpected, + How poor we are living some people will say. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle goes to Market. + + + With prices outrageous they charge now for meat, + And servants so worthless are every day growing, + I wonder we get half enough now to eat, + And shouldn't if 't want for the fact of my going + To market to cheapen potatoes and beef, + And talk to the butchers about their abuses, + And listen to stories beyond our belief, + They tell while they cheat us, by way of excuses. + + And grocers--do tell us--is 't legal to charge + Such prices for sugar, and butter, and flour? + + Oh, why don't the Mayor in his wisdom enlarge + Both weight and measure as he does 'doubtful power?' + + + + +The Dinner-bell Rings. + + + Mrs. Merdle Describes the Sufferings of Dyspepsia and its Remedy. + + But come, now, I hear by the sound of the ringing + That dinner is ready; and time none to spare + To finish our eating in time for the singing + At Niblo's; or at Burton's drop in for a stare. + + To 'kill time' the object, whatever the source is, + And that is the reason we sit at the table + And call for our dinner in slow-coming courses, + To kill, while we eat, all the time we are able. + + Though little, I told you, that's worthy your taste + You'll find on our table, pray don't think us mean-- + Your welcome is ample--that's better than waste-- + Oh! here comes the soup in a silver tureen-- + 'Tis mock turtle too--so good for digestion: + That kills me by inches, the wretched complaint + Dyspepsia--to cure which, I take by suggestion + Port-wine in the soup, when I feel slightly faint. + + + + +The Dinner Table Talk. + + + Now soup, if you like made of beef very nice, + You'll find this the next thing to the height of perfection; + And eaten with ketchup, or thickened with rice, + Will suit you I know, if this is your selection. + + My own disposition to this one inclines, + But dreadful dyspepsia destroys all the pleasure + Of dinner, except it's well tinctured with wines + Which plan I adopt as a health-giving measure. + + A table well ordered, well furnished, and neat, + No wonder our nature for ever is tempting; + And I'd like to know if Mahomet could beat + Its pleasures--dyspepsia for ever exempting-- + With all that he promised in paradise gained, + With Houris attendant in place of the churls + With which we are worried, tormented, and pained-- + The colored men servants, or green Irish girls. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle doubts Paradise's Uneating Pleasure. + + + Though Houris are handsome, though lovely the place-- + More lovely perhaps than our own country seat-- + I never could see, in the light of free grace + What pleasure they have there with nothing to eat. + + With nothing to wear, if the climate is suiting, + We might get along I am sure pretty well; + No washing and starching and crimping and fluting, + No muslin and laces and trouble of dressing, they tell, + E'er troubles the women, or bothers the men, + Who soon grow accustomed, as people do here, + To fashions prevailing, and things that they ken; + To dresses fore-shortened where bosoms appear; + To bonnets that show but a rose in the wearing; + To dresses that sweep like a besom the street; + To dresses so gauzy the hoops through are seen; + To shoes quite as gauzy to cover the feet; + But watch how a man here goes raving and swearing, + At wife and all hands, if they've nothing to eat! + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Things Earthly. + + + No matter how costly or flimsy her dresses, + The angel you honor with your kind attentions; + No matter how foolish her wardrobe inventions, + You love her, or say so, from slipper to tresses; + But, presto! you call her the greatest of sinners, + Though smiling, she treats you to badly cooked dinners; + Which proves where the seat is of men's best affections, + With which 'pon their honor they extol us as wives, + And treat us at dinner with sagest reflections, + Of beauty, and duty we owe all our lives + To you, noble lords, of this mundane creation; + Which, judging from some things they tell us, + Was made for the creatures of this trading nation, + Who make it a business to buy us and sell us, + Like 'Erie,' or 'Central,' or other such stocks; + With care, when they bid for a very 'Miss Nancy,' + That she's of a stock that the brokers call 'fancy,' + Or else has a pocket 'chuck full of the rocks'-- + The rocks that are wrecking each day of their sailing, + More fortunes than ever in ocean were swallowed; + Where 'ventures' of marriage their victims impaling + With mammon and mis'ry together have wallowed. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Things Eatable. + + + Now Colonel, to husband you need not be winking, + While wiping the soup with a smile from your lips; + I know just as well as he does how you're thinking + The soup is as tasteless as though made of chips. + + You need not deny it, and swear that no better + Concocted was ever in London or Paris; + Remember the praises you gave in your letter + Of cooking and eating you wrote to Miss Harris. + + Now, Colonel, don't offer a word more to flatter-- + The soup may be so-so, but wait for the meat; + And after you've seen the last dish, plate, or platter, + You'll own then, I'm certain, we've nothing to eat-- + That is compared, as described to Miss Harris, + With all the best tables you eat at in Paris. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Ordereth the Second Course. + + + Come, John, Jane, and Susan, the soup take away, + And bring in the turbot, the sheep's head and bass; + And have you got lobster and salad to-day? + And see that the celery's all right in the glass. + + Now fish--Colonel Dinewell, which fish will you try? + And how shall I dress it to suit your nice taste? + For sauce to the fish is as love to the sigh, + Imperfect, it's worthless, and both prove a waste. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Hygiene and Fish Sauce. + + + But this is concocted by rules so complete; + Though piquant, is healthy and easy digested; + And if you will note it as slowly we eat, + The contents I'll give for our friends interested. + + Imprimus: in fish stock, an onion we stew, + And anchovy essence two spoonfuls we add; + With butter, horse-radish, and lemons a few; + Mushrooms, too, in ketchup is not very bad; + And pickle of walnuts with onions chopped fine, + To which there is added some old sherry wine. + + My doctor, so queer, when I suffer distress, + Inquires what I've latterly foolishly eaten, + And swears that to swallow this 'horrible mess,' + Would entitle a dog like a dog to be beaten. + + But la! such a doctor knows nothing of women's complaints, + And talks Latin nonsense about 'regular diet;' + And thinks that us mortals--should live more like saints, + On moonshine and nonsense of a heavenly quiet. + + He says that a woman of my plaint complaining, + If she was a woman at all half discreet, + Would shudder to think every day she is maiming + Her stomach with trash, and such stuff as we eat! + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Describeth her Doctor. + + + But he's an old fogy, you may know by this sign-- + He don't smoke tobacco, drink lager or wine; + And swears that rich gravy, roast pork or chop, + Would kill a big ostrich, if stuffed in his crop. + + He told me one day 'bout the pain in my feet, + 'I see what 't is ails you--you've nothing to eat!' + + Provoking, absurd, foolish hint that my health + Was injured by eating what station and wealth + And fashion give right for my sex to enjoy + In spite of the doctors we choose to employ. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth again on Dinner. + + + But you are not eating, and I fear that the fish, + Or else 't is the gravy's not done to your wish. + + You're starving while waiting for something to eat-- + Thank fortune I told you how poorly we live-- + I hope John now will give us a piece of roast meat, + Or else such a dinner you'd never forgive. + + Why yes, Merdle, look, there is beef on that dish-- + Jane Hill, don't you see, there's a plate here to shift-- + That John is now bringing--'t is all he can lift-- + And Colonel, that turkey, you know 't is my wish-- + You know that Excelsior's your motto in carving-- + As nothing more now we shall have on the table + "We'll eat and give thanks this day that we're able + To keep our poor bodies entirely from starving. + + Now Susan's this all that you've been able to pick up? + Oh, no! there's a ham, and it's done to a turn + So nice, that the nose of a Jew needn't stick up; + And a tongue--well, a tongue I never could spurn; + It's nice while the wine at our leisure we sip; + And good with a cracker in wine we can dip. + + [Illustration: "MY APPETITE'S NONE OF THE BEST AND SO I MUST PAMPER + THE DELICATE THING. AND TICKLE A FANCY THAT'S VERY CAPRICIOUS WITH + BITS OF A TURKEY, THE BREAST OR THE WING. WITH KIRF VERY TENDER AND + GRAVY DELICIOUS."] + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Accepteth of a slight Dinner, suitable for a Woman suffering with Dyspepsia. + + + Some turkey? why yes--the least mite will suffice; + A side bone and dressing and bit of the breast; + The tip of the rump--that's it--and one o' the fli's-- + In spite of the doctor: my appetite's none of the best, + And so I must pamper the delicate thing, + And tickle a fancy that's very capricious + With bits of a turkey, the breast or the wing, + With beef very tender, and gravy delicious. + + Some beef now? I thank you, not any at present; + I'll nibble a little at what I have got, + And wish for a duck, or a grouse, or a pheasant, + Though none of them come for a wish, in the pot. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Wishes and her Sufferings. + + + 'If wishes were horses'--I've heard when a girl-- + 'If wishes were horses, the beggars would ride'-- + If wishes were pheasants, I'd wish with a skirl + Till cooked ones came flying and sat by my side. + + A fig, then, for doctors, their tinctures and drugs; + Good eating would cure me, with plenty of game; + And as for pill boxes, and bottles, and jugs, + I wouldn't know one, when I saw it, by name. + + Oh, dear! such a load now my stomach oppresses, + While eating these trifles, attempting to dine-- + I'm sure 'taint the turkey--it must be my dresses-- + And if so 't will ease them to sip sherry wine. + + 'Tis sad, though, to be such a sad invalid-- + Dear me, Colonel Dinewell, you've done eating meat-- + Your doctor, like mine, I hope hasn't forbid, + That you shouldn't have, as I do, so little to eat. + Ah! well then, I see, though I've hardly begun, + The meats and the solids must go right away; + So bring in the pudding, if Susan's got one, + Which will for a while one's appetite stay. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Pudding. + + + A pudding! why yes, as I live, too, it's plum; + So plain, Susan makes them on purpose for me + I never refuse, when the plum puddings come, + To finish my dinner, if finished 't can be + On things unsubstantial, like puddings and pies, + So made up of suet, and currants, and flour, + Like this one before us, to get up the size, + And stirred up and beaten with eggs by the hour, + With bread crumbs, and citron, and small piece of mace; + With nutmeg, and cinnamon, and sugar, and milk, + And" currants, and raisins, and spices so race, + And what else I know not of things of that ilk. + + The whole after cooking six hours at the least, + When thus well compounded with delicate skill, + With wine sauce is eaten, to finish the feast, + And suits the digestion of ladies quite ill, + Who suffer as I do, from having bad cooks, + And very weak stomachs, and food that near kills 'em; + And then such a sight of bad rules in the books + From contents to finis, to cure one that fills 'em. + + [Illustration: "FOR NOTHING TO CURE WITH IS USED BUT COLD WATER: AND + WHAT WITH THE BATHING AND WASHING AND SCRUBBING--"] + + There's one of all others so much recommended + To cure every ill of old Eve's every daughter, + With nothing or next to't, for medicine expended, + For nothing to cure with is used but cold water. + + And what with the bathing, and washing, and scrubbing; + The packing, and sweating, and using the sheet; + The shower bath, and douche bath, and all sorts of rubbing; + And literally nothing but brown bread to eat, + No wonder the patient accepts of the lure, + To escape such a ducking, acknowledged a cure. + + But Lord, what a skein I have made of my yarn, + While Susan's arranging and changing the plates, + And running all round old Robin Hood's barn, + Like puzzles at school that we made on our slates; + But talking of puzzles, no one that we made, + While playing the fool we played as a trade, + When childhood and folly joined hands at the schools, + Could equal the pranks of these cold-water fools. + + Yes, yes, Mr. Merdle, I knew by the smelling + The pudding was ready, without any telling; + So Colonel, I'll help you a delicate slice-- + For nothing, I'm sure, like a dinner you've eaten-- + And afterwards follow with jelly and ice, + So pleasant while waiting to cool off the heat on; + And then with a syllabub, comfit, or cream, + Our dessert of almonds and raisins we'll nibble, + Till coffee comes in to revive with it's steam, + When cakes in its fragrance we'll leisurely dibble. + + I'm sure after all it's a terrible bore + To labor so hard as we do for our victuals; + I envy the women that beg at the door, + Or hire out for wages to handle your kettles, + And wash, bake, and iron, and do nothing but cooking, + So rugged and healthy, and often good looking: + The doctor has told me except when they're mothers, + They never take tincture, or rhubarb, or pill, + And swears the profession if there were no others, + Their patients would use up, and starve out and kill. + + I'm sure I don't see how that makes them exempt + From all sorts of sickness and woman's complaints, + With nothing to hinder if appetite tempt + From eating or drinking as happy as saints. + + Oh Lord, now, this pudding so delicate made, + And gravy I'm sure with nothing that's rich in, + That one of those women who beg as a trade, + The whole in one stomach could leisurely pitch in, + Is now in my own so terribly painful in feeling, + Its calls for relief are most loudly appealing. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of the necessity of good Wine and other Matters. + + + So while we are eating the fruits of the vine, + Don't let us forget such a health giving juice, + As Champagne, or Sherbet, or other good wine, + Nor sin by neglecting its 'temperate use.' + + Now Sherbet, my husband extols to the skies, + With me though, my stomach is weak and won't bear it: + And Sherry, though sometimes affecting my eyes, + A bottle with pleasure we'll open and share it. + + Ha, ha, well-a-day--what a queer world to live in, + If one were contented on little to dine, + We need not be longing another to be in, + Where women, they tell us, exist without wine; + Where husbands are happy and women content; + Where dresses, though gauzy, are fit for the street; + Where no one is wretched with purses unbent, + With nothing to wear and nothing to eat. + + Where women no longer are treated la Turk, + Where husbands descended from Saxon or Norman, + For women when sickly are willing to work, + And not long for Utah and pleasures la Mormon-- + Where men freely marry and live with their wives, + And not live as you do, mon Colonel, so single. + + Such wretched and dinnerless bachelor lives; + You don't know the pleasure there is in the tingle + Of ears pricked by lectures, la curtain, au Caudle, + Or noise of young Dinewells beginning to toddle; + While plodding all day with your paper and quills, + And copy, and proof sheets, and work for the printer, + Pray what do you know of the housekeeper's bills, + And other such 'pleasures of hope' for the winter? + + You men, selfish creatures, think all of the care + Of living and keeping yourselves in existence, + Is due to your own daily labor, and share, + From breakfast to dinner of business persistance; + While woman is either a plaything or drudge, + According to station of wealth or position, + Which men help along with a word or a nudge + To heaven high up or low down to perdition. + + But what was I saying of a world free from care, + Of eating and drinking and dresses to wear? + + Where women by husbands are never tormented, + And never asked money where husbands dissented? + And never see others, their rivals, in fashion ahead, + And never have doctors--a woman's great dread-- + And nothing, I hope, like my own indigestion, + To torment and starve them, as this one does me, + And keep them from sipping--forgive the suggestion-- + The nectar etherial they drink for their tea. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle Suggesteth that Dinner being finished, the Gentlement will Smoke. In the meantime, she Discourseth. + + + "Now Merdle--now Colonel--I know you are waiting. + And thinking my talking to eating's a bar, + Still hoping, by tasting, my appetite sating, + Will give you the license to smoke a cigar. + + [Illustration: "WILL GIVE YOU THE LICENSE TO SMOKE A CIGAR"] + + Well then, I've done now, and hope too you've dined, + As well as down town where you dine for a shilling, + At Taylor's, or Thompson's, or one of the kind, + Where mortals are flocking each day for their filling; + Or else at the Astor where bachelors quarter, + Where port holes for windows give light to the room, + Far out of the region of Eve's every daughter, + So high they are stuck up away toward the moon. + + Though as for the 'stuck up' no walls built of brick, + Or granite, or marble, or dirty red sand, + Could stick up a man who himself's but a stick, + An inch above where he would naturally stand. + + To witness the truth of this final assertion, + I call you to witness the sticks at the door, + Where they make it a daily, a 'manly' diversion, + To ogle each woman, and sometimes do more, + Who passes the hotel that's named by a saint, + Where boorish bad manners give room for complaint. + + Where idlers and loafers, with gamblers a few, + Make up for the nonce the St. Nicholas crew. + + The 'outside barbarians,' I freely confess, + Who ogle our faces and ogle our dress, + Who spit where we walk as dirty a puddle + As bipeds can make when their brains are 'a muddle,' + Do not prove the inside is as dirty as they are, + Or else the gods help all the ladies who stay there. + + Why any prefer in a hotel to stay, + Instead of a house of their choosing to own, + Is just to avoid all the trouble, they say, + That servants to give us are certainly prone, + I'm sure if a tyranny more terrible prevails, + In Austria or other despotic domain, + My memory where most certainly fails, + That servants and milliners over us gain, + Just here in New York, and the more is the pity, + Where Wood is the Mogul that governs the city. + + + + +Mrs. Merdle, having "Nibbled a Little" for two Hours at Dinner, retireth from the Table unsatisfied. + + + "Impatient--oh yes--just the way with you men! + + I never have time to half finish my eating + Ere Merdle is done; such a fidget is then, + He'd starve me I think rather 'n miss of a meeting + Where brokers preside o'er the fate of the stocks, + As Pales presided o'er shepherds and flocks. + + Now while you are smoking--what nonsense and folly-- + I'll go to my room.--don't say No, for I must-- + Put on a new dress, with assistance of Molly, + And then with a little strong tea and a crust, + My strength I may hope for a walk will be able + As far as the gate, and a very short ride, + To give me a relish again for the table-- + What else do we live for in this world beside?" + + + + +The Poet Moralizeth--He Discourseth to those who Gorge and Complain. + + + Oh! Kitty Malone--Mrs. Merdle 'tis now-- + Was there ever on earth than this, greater folly? + + Still gorging, while groaning, and swearing a vow, + That yours is a case of most sad melancholy. + + With table that Croesus never had but might covet, + You live but to eat and to eat 'cause you love it; + And yet while you swallow great sirloins of meat + Complain like a beggar of nothing to eat. + + + + +He Discourseth of the Wherefore of Bachelorism. + + + "What else do we live for in this world beside?" + + Alas! 't is the question of ten times a day, + That comes on the wind, or that floats on the tide, + And creeps in the houses where men go to pray. + + What else do we live for than get such a wife + As this of the banker of our faint description? + + What else is the end of our fashionable life + From which men escape as they would from conscription? + + What else is the reason so few natives marry, + Than this, that extravagance leads on to ruin? + + It is because few men are able to carry + The load of this baking and roasting and stewing, + Of buying and wasting extravagant meat, + Where women are dying of "nothing to eat;" + Where men in corruption so rapidly tending, + In morals and wealth in bankruptcy ending. + + That forging and stealing and breaches of trust, + And ten thousand arts of the confidence game, + And follies uncounted of men "on a bust," + Are follies and crimes of this age to our shame, + Till angels who witness the folly so wide + Extended from palace to farm-house and cot, + Might wonder if mortals life's objects forgot, + Or Merdle's position is man's common lot? + + + + +He Discourseth of What some Mortals Live for. + + + "What else do they live for in this world beside?" + + What else but for Kittys or one of the same, + Do mothers their daughters at schools give the touch + That leaves them to live as a wife but in name + While position and fashion they frantically clutch. + + What else do they live for, our girls so refined, + So forward, precocious, and gifted at ten + They are flirting and courting and things of the kind, + That never came under our grandmother's ken. + + At fifteen so dressed up, and hooped up, I ween, + They're mothers full often before they're sixteen, + And fading and dowdy and sickly at twenty, + With one boy in trowsers and two girls in laces + Complaining of starving while dying of plenty + The fate is of ladies in fashionable places. + + + + +He Imploreth Mercy upon those condemned with fashionable folly to Marry, and Illustrateth their Condition. + + + Now heaven in mercy be kind to the wretch, + Who marries for money or fashion or folly; + He'd better accept of the noose of Jack Ketch + Than such a "help-meet;" or at once marry Dolly + The cook, or with Bridget, the maid of the broom; + With one he'd be sure to get coffee and meat, + And never hear whining of nothing to eat, + And 't other would make up his bed and his room; + And if he was blest with a child now and then, + As happens sometimes with your fashionable wives, + Who're coupled to bipeds, in nature called men, + He'd need no insurance to warrant their lives; + And need no expense of a grand "bridal tour," + Or visit each season at "watering places," + Where fashion at people well known to be poor, + In money or station, will make ugly faces; + Where women, though married, with roues will flirt; + Where widows, though widows in fresh sable weeds, + Spread nets that entangle like old Nessus' shirt + And finish with Burdell and Cunningham deeds; + Where daughters when fading are taken to spend + A month at the springs, or a week in salt water; + Where bachelors flirting on Ellen attend, + Are whispered by mamma, "engaged to my daughter." + + + + +He Imploreth Merry for other Unfortunate Beings. + + + Now heaven in mercy be kind to the wretches + Who stay on the earth like this Mrs. Merdle! + + More wretched than ever a wretch on the hurdle + Was drawn by all England's official Jack Ketches; + More wretched, if can be, at church on a Sunday + A woman, who worships, than God, more her dress, + Would be if she heard or e'en thought Mrs. Grundy + Would sneer at the set of a bonnet or tress; + Or say that she thought Miss Freelove's new pattern + Of laces, or collars, or yard flowing sleeves, + Looked more like the dress of a real Miss Slattern + And not "so becoming"'s the first one of Eve's. + + + + +He Discourseth of a Common Prayer. + + + Yet look at the thousands whose every day prayer, + Far more than their own or their neighbor's salvation, + Absorbs every thought, every dream, and all care, + "To eat or to wear, is anything new in creation?" + + + + +He Discourseth of Trouble and Sorrow. + + + What else do they live for? They live but for this; + And nothing but this ever troubles their thinking; + Rich eating, rich dressing, and flirting's their bliss, + And life's better purposes constantly blinking. + + Their life's but a tissue of trouble and sorrow + Of what is the fashion or will be to-morrow. + + + + +He Moralizeth upon what a Day may Bring forth. + + + "To-morrow!" who'll warrant to-morrow we'll see? + + Who'll care the next day or day after for dinner? + + Or what the next fashion of new dress will be? + + Or who Mrs. Grundy will say is the winner? + + Having reached Thirtysixthly, the Author is + about to Make the "Application," and Pray + forgiveness, but concludes by remaining Incog. + + "Who'll care for, to-morrow, for this bit of scandal, + With malice prepense that a cynic has written? + + (That's what they will say when the poem they handle, + Who feel 'tis themselves whom the mad dog has bitten; + And wish he was treated as dogs with the rabies + Are treated, to stop his unmannerly bark; + Or packed off to bed as you do naughty babies, + To sleep, or be frightened all alone in the dark.) + + Who'll care? why the author of this ugly poem-- + He'll care--for a reason--that all of you read it-- + He'll care for the cash you'll give--Oh! how he needs it-- + (Oh! what would you give, ladies dear, just to know him?--) + + But that, by your leave, by the aid of the elf + The printer employs, he will keep to himself. + + He knows, if you knew him, what fate he would meet; + At every table you'd give him--nothing to eat. + + Excuse then, dear ladies, the author his shyness, + And accept his conge at the end of this + + FINIS. + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Nothing to Eat, by +Horatio Alger and Thomas Chandler Haliburton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NOTHING TO EAT *** + +***** This file should be named 5868.txt or 5868.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/5/8/6/5868/ + +Produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |