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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Yollop, by George Barr McCutcheon
+#6 in our series by George Barr McCutcheon
+
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+*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****
+
+
+Title: Yollop
+
+Author: George Barr McCutcheon
+
+Release Date: June, 2004 [EBook #5866]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on September 15, 2002]
+
+Edition: 10
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOLLOP ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Charles Aldarondo, Charles Franks
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: LEAVING MRS. CHAMPNEY SEATED ALONE AND HELPLESS IN
+THE MIDST OF THE CONFUSION, SMILK MARCHED MR. YOLLOP TO HIS BEDROOM]
+
+YOLLOP
+
+BY
+
+GEORGE BARR McCUTCHEON
+
+FRONTISPIECE BY
+
+EDWARD C. CASWELL
+
+NEW YORK
+
+1922
+
+
+
+
+
+
+YOLLOP
+
+CHAPTER ONE
+
+
+
+
+
+In the first place, Mr. Yollop knew nothing about firearms. And so,
+after he had overpowered the burglar and relieved him of a fully
+loaded thirty-eight, he was singularly unimpressed by the following
+tribute from the bewildered and somewhat exasperated captive:
+
+"Say, ain't you got any more sense than to tackle a man with a gun,
+you chuckle-headed idiot?" (Only he did not say "chuckle-headed,"
+and he inserted several expletives between "say" and "ain't.")
+
+The dazed intruder was hunched limply, in a sitting posture, over
+against the wall, one hand clamped tightly to his jaw, the other
+being elevated in obedience to a command that had to be thrice
+repeated before it found lodgment in his whirling brain. Mr. Yollop,
+who seemed to be satisfied with the holding up of but one hand,
+cupped his own hand at the back of one ear, and demanded
+querulously:
+
+"What say!"
+
+"Are you hard o' hearin'?"
+
+"Hey?"
+
+"Well for the--say, are you deef?"
+
+"Don't say deef. Say deaf,--as if it were spelled d-e-double f.
+Yes,--I am a little hard of hearing."
+
+"Now, how the hell did you hear--I say, HOW DID YOU HEAR ME IN THE
+ROOM, if it's a fair question?"
+
+"If you've got anything in your mouth, spit it out. I can't make out
+half what you say. Sounds like 'ollo--ollo--ollo'!"
+
+The thief opened his mouth and with his tongue instituted a visible
+search for the obstruction that appeared to annoy Mr. Yollop.
+
+"They're all here except the one I had pulled last year," he
+announced vastly relieved. A sharp spasm of pain in his jaw caused
+him to abruptly take advantage of a recent discovery; and while he
+was careful to couch his opinions in an undertone, he told Mr.
+Yollop what he thought of him in terms that would have put the
+hardiest pirate to blush. Something in Mr. Yollop's eye, however,
+and the fidgety way in which he was fingering the trigger of the
+pistol, moved him to interrupt a particularly satisfying paean of
+blasphemy by breaking off short in the very middle of it to wonder
+why in God's name he hadn't had sense enough to remember that all
+deaf people are lip-readers.
+
+"Spit it out!" repeated Mr. Yollop, with energy. "Don't talk with
+your mouth full. I can't understand a word you say."
+
+This was reassuring but not convincing. There was still the ominous
+glitter in the speaker's eye to be reckoned with. The man on the
+floor took the precaution to explain: "I hope "you didn't hear what
+I was callin' myself." He spoke loudly and very distinctly.
+
+"That's better," said Mr. Yollop, his face brightening. "I was
+'afraid my hearing had got worse without my knowing it. All you have
+to do is to enunciate distinctly and speak slowly like that,--as if
+you were isolating the words,--so to speak,--and I can make out
+everything you say. What were you calling yourself?"
+
+"Oh, just a lot of names. I'd sooner not repeat 'em if there's any
+women in the house."
+
+"Well, bless my soul, that's uncommonly thoughtful of you. My sister
+and her young daughter are here to spend the holidays with me. They
+sleep at the back of the apartment. Now, if you will just remain as
+you are,--I dare say you'd better put up the other hand, too, if you
+can spare it,--I will back up to the table here and get my listening
+apparatus. Now you won't have to shout so. I don't know much about
+revolvers, but I assume that all one has to do to make it go off is
+to press rather firmly on this little contrivance--"
+
+"Yes! But DON'T!"
+
+"Not so loud! Not so loud! I'm not as deaf as all that. And don't
+move! I give you fair warning. Watch me closely. If you see me shut
+my eyes, you will know I'm going to shoot. Remember that, will you?
+The instant you detect the slightest indication that my eyes are
+about to close,--dodge!"
+
+"By thunder,--I--I wonder if you're as much of a blame fool as you
+seem to be,--or are you just playing horse with me," muttered the
+victim, as he raised his other hand. "I'd give ten years of my life
+to know,--"
+
+"I won't be a second," announced Mr. Yollop, backing gingerly toward
+the table. With his free hand he felt for and found the rather
+elaborate contraption that furnished him with the means to
+counteract his auricular deficiencies. The hand holding the revolver
+wobbled a bit; nevertheless, the little black hole at which the
+dazed robber stared as if fascinated was amazingly steadfast in its
+regard for the second or perhaps the third button of his coat. "It's
+a rather complicated arrangement," he went on to explain, "but very
+simple once you get it adjusted to the ear. It took me some time to
+get used to wearing this steel band over the top of my head. I never
+have tried to put it on with one hand before. Amazing how awkward
+one can be with his left hand, isn't it? Now, you see how it goes.
+This little receiver business clamps right down to the ear,--so.
+Then this disc hangs over my chest--and you talk right at it. For
+awhile I made a practice of concealing it under my vest, being
+somewhat sensitive about having strangers see that I am deaf, but
+one day my niece, a very bright child often, asked me why I did it.
+I told her it was because I didn't want people to know I was deaf.
+Have you ever felt so foolish that you wanted to kick yourself all
+over town? Well, then you know how I felt when that blessed infant
+pointed to this thing on my ear and--What say?"
+
+"I say, that's the way I've been feeling ever since I came to,"
+repeated the disgusted burglar.
+
+"Of course, I realize that it's a physical, you might well say, a
+scientific impossibilty, for one to kick himself all over town, but
+just the same, I believe you are as nearly in the mood to accomplish
+it as any man alive to-day."
+
+"You bet I could," snapped the thief, with great earnestness. "When
+I think how I let a skinny, half-witted boob like you walk right
+into a clinch with me, and me holdin' a gun, and weighin' forty
+pounds more than you do, I--Can you hear what I'm saying?"
+
+"Perfectly. It's a wonderful invention," said Mr. Yollop, who had
+approached to within four or five feet of the speaker and was
+bending over to afford him every facility for planting his words
+squarely upon the disc. "Speak in the same tone of voice that you
+would employ if I were about thirty feet away and perfectly sound of
+hearing. Just imagine, if you can, that I am out in the hall, with
+the door open, and you are carrying on a conversation with me at
+that--"
+
+"I've said all I want to say," growled the other sullenly.
+
+"What is your name?"
+
+"None of your damn business."
+
+Mr. Yollop was silent for a moment. Then he inquired steadily:
+
+"Have you any recollection of receiving a blow on the jaw, and
+subsequently lying on the flat of your back with my knees jouncing
+up and down on your stomach while your bump of amativeness was being
+roughly and somewhat regularly pounded against the wall in response
+to a certain nervous and uncontrollable movement of my hands which
+happened to be squeezing your windpipe so tightly that your
+tongue hung out and--"
+
+"You bet I remember it!" ruefully.
+
+"Well, then," said Mr. Yollop, "what is your name?"
+
+"Jones."
+
+"What?"
+
+"I thought you said you could hear with that thing!"
+
+"I heard you say Jones quite distinctly, but why can't you answer my
+question? It was civil enough, wasn't it?"
+
+"Well," said the crook, still decidedly uncertain as to the
+expression in Mr. Yollop's eye, "if you insist on a civil answer,
+it's Smilk."
+
+"Smith?"
+
+"No, NOT Smith," hastily and earnestly; "Smilk,--S-m-i-l-k."
+
+"Smilk?"
+
+"Smilk."
+
+"Extraordinary name. I've never heard it before, have you?"
+
+The rascal blinked. "Sure. It was my father's name before me, and
+my--"
+
+"Look me in the eye!"
+
+"I am lookin' you in the eye. It's Smilk,--Cassius Smilk."
+
+"Sounds convincing," admitted Mr. Yollop. "Nobody would take the
+name of Cassius in vain, I am sure. As a sensible, discriminating
+thief, you would not deliberately steal a name like Cassius, now
+would you?"
+
+"Well, you see, they call me Cash for short," explained Smilk.
+"That's something I can steal with a clear conscience."
+
+"I perceive you are recovering your wits, Mr. Smilk. You appear to
+be a most ingenuous rogue. Have you ever tried writing the book for
+a musical comedy?"
+
+"A--what?"
+
+"A musical comedy. A forty-legged thing you see on Broadway."
+
+Mr. Smilk pondered. "No, sir," he replied, allowing himself a
+prideful leer; "if I do say it as shouldn't, I'm an honest thief."
+
+"Bless my soul," cried Mr. Yollop delightedly; "you get brighter
+every minute. Perhaps you have at one time or another conducted a
+humorous column for a Metropolitan newspaper?"
+
+"Well, I've done my share towards fillin' up the 'lost' column,"
+said Mr. Smilk modestly. "Say, if we're going to keep up this
+talkfest much longer, I got to let my hands down. The blood's
+runnin' out of 'em. What are you goin' to do with me? Keep me
+sittin' here till morning?"
+
+"I'm glad you reminded me of it. I want to call the police."
+
+"Well, I'm not hindering you, am I?"
+
+"In a way, yes. How can I call them and keep an eye on you at the
+same time?"
+
+"I'll tell what I'll do," said Cassius Smilk obligingly. "I'll take
+a message 'round to the police station for you."
+
+"Ah! That gives me an idea. You shall telephone to the police for
+me. If my memory serves me well, Spring 3100 is the number. Or is it
+Spring 3100 that calls out the fire department? It would be very
+awkward to call out the fire department, wouldn't it? They'd
+probably come rushing around here and drown both of us before they
+found out wer'd made a mistake and really wanted the police."
+
+"All you have to do is to say to Central: 'I want a policeman.'"
+
+"Right you are. That's what the telephone book says. Still I believe
+Spring 3100--"
+
+"The simplest way to get the police," broke in the burglar, not
+without hope, "is to fire five shots out of a window as rapidly as
+possible. They always come for that."
+
+"I see what you are after. You want them to come here and arrest me
+for violating the Sullivan Law. Don't you know it's against the law
+in New York to have a revolver on your premises or person? And
+what's more, you would testify against me, confound you. Also
+probably have me up for assault and battery. No, Mr. Smilk, your
+suggestion is not a good one. We will stick to the telephone. Now,
+if you will be kind enough to fold your arms tightly across your
+breast,--that's the idea,--and arise slowly to your feet, I will
+instruct you--Yes, I know it is harder to get up without the aid of
+the hands than it was to go down, but I think you can manage it. Try
+again, if you please." Then, as Mr. Smilk sank sullenly back against
+the wall, apparently resolved not to budge: "I'm going to count
+three, Cassius. If you are not on your feet at the end of the count,
+I shall be obliged to do the telephoning myself."
+
+"That suits me," said Cassius grimly.
+
+"Do you object to the smell of powder?"
+
+"Huh?"
+
+"I don't like it myself, but I should, of course, open the windows
+immediately and air the room out--"
+
+"I'll get up," said Cassius, and did so, clumsily but promptly.
+"Say, I--I believe you WOULD shoot. You're just the kind of boob
+that would do a thing like that."
+
+"I dare say I should miss you if I were to fire all five
+bullets,--but that's neither here nor there. You're on your feet,
+so--by the way, are you sure this thing is loaded?"
+
+"It wouldn't make any difference if it wasn't. It would go off just
+the same. They always do when some darn fool idiot is pointin' them
+at people."
+
+"Don't be crotchetty, Cassius," reproached Mr. Yollop. "Now, if you
+will just sidle around to the left you will come in due time to the
+telephone over there on that desk. I shall not be far behind you.
+Sit down. Now unfold your arms and lean both elbows on the desk.
+That's the idea. You might keep your right hand exposed,--sort of
+perpendicular from the elbow up. Take the receiver off the hook
+and--"
+
+"Oh, I know how to use a telephone all right."
+
+"Now, the main thing is to get Central," said Mr. Yollop
+imperturbably. "Sometimes it is very difficult to wake them after
+two o'clock A.M. Just jiggle it if she doesn't respond at once.
+Seems that jiggling wakes them when nothing else will."
+
+Mr. Yollop, very tall and spare in his pajamas, stood behind the
+burly Mr. Smilk, the dangling disc almost touching the latter's
+hunched up shoulders.
+
+"This is a devil of a note," quoth Mr. Smilk, taking down the
+receiver. "Makin' a guy telephone to the police to come and arrest
+him."
+
+"I wish I had thought to close that window while you were hors de
+combat," complained Mr. Yollop shivering. "I'll probably catch my
+death of cold standing around here with almost nothing on. That wind
+comes straight from the North Pole. Doesn't she answer?"
+
+"No."
+
+"Jiggle it."
+
+"I did jiggle it."
+
+"What?"
+
+"I said I jiggled it."
+
+"Well, jiggle it again."
+
+"Rottenest telephone service in the world," growled Mr. Smilk. "When
+you think what we have to pay for telephones these days, you'd
+think--hello! Hell--lo!"
+
+"Got her?"
+
+"I thought I had for a second, but I guess it was somebody yawning."
+
+"Awning?"
+
+"Say, if you'll hold that thing around so's I can talk at it, you'll
+hear what I'm saying. How do you expect me to--hello! Central?
+Central! Hello! Where the hell have you been all--hello! Well, can
+you beat it? I had her and she got away."
+
+"No use trying to get her now," said Mr. Yollop, resignedly. "Hang
+up for a few minutes. It makes 'em stubborn when you swear at 'em.
+Like mules. I've just thought of something else you can do for me
+while we're waiting for her to make up her mind to forgive you. Come
+along over here and close this window you left open."
+
+Mr. Smilk in closing the window, looked searchingly up and down the
+fire escape, peered intently into the street below, sighed
+profoundly and muttered something that Mr. Yollop did not hear.
+
+"I've got a fur coat hanging in that closet over there, Cassius. We
+will get it out."
+
+Carefully following Mr. Yollop's directions, the obliging rascal
+produced the coat and laid it upon the table in the center of the
+room.
+
+"Turn your back," commanded the owner of the coat, "and hold up your
+hands." Then, after he had slipped into the coat: "Now if I only had
+my slippers--but never mind. We won't bother about 'em. They're in
+my bed room, and probably lost under the bed. They always are, even
+when I take 'em off out in the middle of the room. Ah! Nothing like
+a fur coat, Cassius. Do you know what cockles are?"
+
+"No, I don't."
+
+"Well, never mind. Now, let's try Central again. Please remember
+that no matter how distant she is, she still expects you to look
+upon her as a lady. No lady likes to be sworn at at two o'clock in
+the morning. Speak gently to her. Call her Madamoiselle. That always
+gets them. Makes 'em think if they keep their ears open they'll hear
+something spicy."
+
+"They general fall for dearie," said Mr. Smilk, taking down the
+receiver.
+
+"Be good enough to remember that you are calling from my apartment,"
+said Mr. Yollop severely. "Jiggle it."
+
+Mr. Smilk jiggled it. "I guess she's still mad."
+
+"Jiggle it slowly, tenderly, caressingly. Sort of seductively. Don't
+be so savage about it."
+
+"Hello! Central? What number do I have to call to get Spring 3100?
+... I'm not trying to be fresh: ... Yes, that's what I want ... I
+know the book says to tell you 'I want to call a policeman' but--
+... Yes, there's a burglar in my apartment and I want you to--What's
+that? ... I don't want to go to bed. ... Say, now YOU'RE gettin'
+fresh. You give me police--"
+
+"Tell her I've got you surrounded," whispered Mr. Yollop.
+
+"Hello! Hell--lo! Central!"
+
+"Jiggle it."
+
+"Ah, Mademoiselle! Pardon my--"
+
+Voice at the other end of the wire: "Ring off! You've got wrong
+number. This is police headquarters." Audible sound of distant
+receiver being slapped upon its hook.
+
+"Gee whiz! Now, we're up against it, Mister. We'll be all night
+gettin' Central again."
+
+"Be patient, Cassius. Start all over again. Ask for the morgue this
+time. That will make her realize the grave danger you are in."
+
+"Say, I wish you'd put that gun in your pocket. It makes the goose
+flesh creep out all over me. I'm not going to try to get away. Give
+you my word of honor I ain't. You seem to have some sort of idea
+that I don't want to be arrested."
+
+"I confess I had some such idea, Cassius."
+
+"Well, I don't mind it a bit. Fact is, I've been doin' my best to
+get nabbed for the last three months."
+
+"You have?"
+
+"Sure. The trouble is with the police. They somehow seem to overlook
+me, no matter how open I am about it. I suppose I've committed
+twenty burglaries in the past three months and I'll be cussed if I
+can make 'em understand. Take to-night, for instance. I clumb up
+that fire escape,--this is the third floor, ain't it?--I clumb up
+here with a big electric street light shinin' square on my back,
+--why, darn the luck, I had to turn my back on it 'cause the light
+hurt my eyes,--and there were two cops standin' right down below
+here talkin' about the crime wave bein' all bunk, both of 'em
+arguin' that the best proof that there ain't no crime wave is the
+fact that the jails are only half full, showin' that the city is
+gettin' more and more honest all the time. I could hear 'em plain as
+anything. They were talkin' loud, so as to make everybody in this
+buildin' rest easy, I guess. I stopped at the second floor and
+monkeyed with the window, hopin' to attract their attention. Didn't
+work. So I had to climb up another flight. This window of yours was
+up about six inches, so there wasn't anything for me to do but to
+raise it and come in. What I had in mind was to stick my head out
+after a minute or two and yell 'thieves', 'police', and so on. Then
+before I knowed what was happenin', you walks in, switches on the
+light, and comes straight over and biffs me in the jaw. Does that
+look as if I was tryin' to avoid arrest?"
+
+"That's a very pretty story, Cassius, and no doubt will make a
+tremendous hit with the jury, but what were you doing with a loaded
+revolver in your hand, and why were you so full of vituperation,--I
+mean, what made you swear so when I--"
+
+"You let somebody hit you a wallop on the jaw and bang your head
+against the wall and dance on your ribs, and you'll cuss worse than
+I did."
+
+"But,--about the revolver?"
+
+"Well, to be honest with you, I probably would have shot you if I
+hadn't been so low in my mind. I won't deny that. It's a sort of
+principle with us, you see. No self-respecting burglar wants to be
+captured by the party he's tryin' to rob. Its so damn' mortifyin'.
+Besides, if that sort of thing happens to you, the police lose all
+kinds of respect for you and try to use you as a stool-pigeon, if
+you know what that means."
+
+"This is most interesting, I must say. I should like to hear more
+about it, Mr. Smilk. I dare say we can have quite a long and
+edifying chat while we are waiting for the police to respond to our
+call for help. In the meantime, you might see if you can get them
+now. Spring, three one hundred."
+
+"As I was sayin' awhile ago, would you mind puttin' that gun in your
+pocket?"
+
+"While you've been chinning, Cassius, I have been making a most
+thrilling and amazing experiment. Do you call this thing under
+here a trigger?"
+
+"Yes. Don't monkey with it, you--you--"
+
+"I've been pressing it,--very gently and cautiously, of course,--to
+see just how near I can come to making it go off without actually--"
+
+"For God's sake! Cut that--Hey, Central! Give me police headquarters
+again. ... Lively, please. ... Yes, it's life or death. ... Come on,
+Mademoiselle,--please!"
+
+"That's the way," complimented Mr. Yollop.
+
+"By gosh, nobody ever wanted the police more than I do at this
+minute," gulped Mr. Smilk. He was perspiring freely. "Hello! Police
+headquarters? ... Hustle someone to--to--(over his shoulder to Mr.
+Yollop, in a whisper,)--quick! What's the number of this,--"
+
+"418 Sagamore Terrace."
+
+Into the transmitter: "To 418 Sagamore Terrace, third floor front.
+Burglar. Hurry up!"
+
+Telephone: "What's yer name?"
+
+Smilk, to Yollop: "What is my name?"
+
+Mr. Yollop: "Crittenden Yollop."
+
+Smilk, to telephone: "Crittelyum Yop."
+
+Telephone, languidly: "Spell it."
+
+Smilk: "Aw, go to--"
+
+Mr. Yollop: "After me now,--Y-o-l-l-o-p."
+
+Telephone: "First name."
+
+Smilk, prompted. "C-r-i-t-t-e-n-d-e-n."
+
+Telephone, after interval: "What floor?"
+
+Smilk: "Third."
+
+Telephone: "Are you sure it's a burglar, or is it just a noise
+somewhere?"
+
+Smilk: "It's a burglar. He's got me covered."
+
+Telephone: "What's that?"
+
+Smilk: "I say, I've got him covered. Hurry up or he'll blow my head
+off--"
+
+Telephone: "Say, what IS this? Get back to bed, you. You're drunk."
+
+Smilk: "I'm as sober as you are. Can't you get me straight? I tell
+you I beat his head off. He's down and out,--but---"
+
+Telephone: "All right. We'll have someone there in a few minutes.
+Did you say Yullup?"
+
+Smilk: "No. I said hurry up."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER TWO
+
+
+
+
+
+"The thing that's troubling me now," said Mr. Yollop, as Smilk hung
+up the receiver and twisted his head slightly to peek out of the
+corner of his eye, "is how to get hold of my slippers. You've no
+idea how cold this floor is."
+
+"If it's half as cold as the sweat I'm---"
+
+"We're likely to have a long wait," went on the other, frowning. "It
+will probably take the police a couple of hours to find this
+building, with absolutely no clue except the number and the name of
+the street."
+
+"I'll tell you what you might do, Mr. Scollop, seein' as you won't
+trust me to go in and find your slippers for you. Why don't you sit
+on your feet? Take that big arm chair over there and--"
+
+"Splendid! By jove, Cassius, you are an uncommonly clever chap. I'll
+do it. And then, when the police arrive, we'll have something for
+them to do. We'll let them see if they can find my slippers. That
+ought to be really quite interesting."
+
+"There's something about you," said Mr. Smilk, not without a touch
+of admiration in his voice, "that I simply can't help liking."
+
+"That's what the wolf said to Little Red Riding-Hood, if I remember
+correctly. However, I thank you, Cassius. In spite of the thump I
+gave you and the disgusting way in which I treated you, a visitor in
+my own house, you express a liking for me. It is most gratifying.
+Still, for the time being, I believe we can be much better friends
+if I keep this pistol pointed at you. Now we 'll do a little
+maneuvering. You may remain seated where you are. However, I must
+ask you to pull out the two lower drawers in the desk,--one on
+either side of where your knees go. You will find them quite empty
+and fairly commodious. Now, put your right foot in the drawer on
+this side and your left foot in the other one--yes, I know it's
+quite a stretch, but I dare say you can manage it. Sort of recalls
+the old days when evil-doers were put in the stocks, doesn't it?
+They seem to be quite a snug fit, don't they? If it is as difficult
+for you to extricate your feet from those drawers as it was to
+insert them, I fancy I'm pretty safe from a sudden and impulsive
+dash in my direction. Rather bright idea of mine, eh?"
+
+"I'm beginnin' to change my opinion of you," announced Mr. Smilk.
+
+Mr. Yollop pushed a big unholstered library chair up to the opposite
+side of the desk and, after several awkward attempts, succeeded in
+sitting down, tailor fashion, with his feet neatly tucked away
+beneath him.
+
+"I wasn't quite sure I could do it," said he, rather proudly. "I
+suppose my feet will go to sleep in a very short time, but I am
+assuming, Cassius, that you are too much of a gentleman to attack a
+man whose feet are asleep."
+
+"I wouldn't even attack you if they were snoring," said Cassius,
+grinning in spite of himself. "Say, this certainly beats anything
+I've ever come up against. If one of my pals was to happen to look
+in here right now and see me with my feet in these drawers and you
+squattin' on yours,--well, I can't help laughin' myself, and God
+knows I hate to."
+
+"You were saying a little while ago," said Mr. Yollop, shifting his
+position slightly, "that you rather fancy the idea of being
+arrested. Isn't that a little quixotic, Mr. Smilk?"
+
+"Huh?"
+
+"I mean to say, do you expect me to believe you when you say you
+relish being arrested?"
+
+"I don't care a whoop whether you believe it or not. It's true."
+
+"Have you no fear of the law?"
+
+"Bless your heart, sir, I don't know how I'd keep body and soul
+together if it wasn't for the law. If people would only let the law
+alone, I'd be one of the happiest guys on earth. But, damn 'em, they
+won't let it alone. First, they put their heads together and frame
+up this blasted parole game on us. Just about the time we begin to
+think we're comfortably settled up the river, 'long cmes some
+doggone home-wrecker and gets us out on parole. Then we got to go to
+work and begin all over again. Sometimes, the way things are
+nowadays, it takes months to get back into the pen again. We got to
+live, ain't we? We got to eat, ain't we? Well, there you are. Why
+can't they leave us alone instead of drivin' us out into a cold,
+unfeelin' world where we got to either steal or starve to death?
+There wouldn't be one tenth as much stealin' and murderin' as there
+is if they didn't force us into it. Why, doggone it, I've seen some
+of the most cruel and pitiful sights you ever heard of up there at
+Sing Sing. Fellers leadin' a perfectly honest life suddenly chucked
+out into a world full of vice and iniquity and forced--absolutely
+forced,--into a life of crime. There they were, livin' a quiet,
+peaceful life, harmin' nobody, and bing! they wake up some mornin'
+and find themselves homeless. Do you realize what that means, Mr.
+Strumpet? It means--"
+
+"Yollop, if you please."
+
+"It means they got to go out and slug some innocent citizen, some
+poor guy that had nothing whatever to do with drivin' them out, and
+then if they happen to be caught they got to go through with all the
+uncertainty of a trial by jury, never knowin' but what some
+pin-headed juror will stick out for acquittal and make it necessary
+to go through with it all over again. And more than that, they got
+to listen to the testimony of a lot of policemen, and their own
+derned fool lawyers, tryin' to deprive them of their bread and
+butter, and the judge's instructions that nobody pays any attention
+to except the shorthand reporter,--and them just settin' there sort
+of helpless and not even able to say a word in their own behalf
+because the law says they're innocent till they're proved guilty,--
+why, I tell you, Mr. Dewlap, it's heart-breakin'. And all because
+some weak-minded smart aleck gets them paroled. As I was sayin', the
+law's all right if it wasn't for the people that abuse it."
+
+"This is most interesting," said Mr. Yollop. "I've never quite
+understood why ninety per cent of the paroled convicts go back to
+the penitentiary so soon after they've been liberated."
+
+"Of course," explained Mr. Smilk, "there are a few that don't get
+back. That's because, in their anxiety to make good, they get killed
+by some inexperienced policeman who catches 'em comin' out of
+somebody's window or--"
+
+"By the way, Cassius, let me interrupt you. Will you have a cigar?
+Nice, pleasant way to pass an hour or two--beg pardon?"
+
+"I was only sayin', if you don't mind I'll take one of these
+cigarettes. Cigars are a little too heavy for me."
+
+"I have some very light grade domestic--"
+
+"I don't mean in quality. I mean in weight. What's the sense of
+wastin' a lot of strength holding a cigar in your mouth when it
+requires no effort at all to smoke a cigarette? Why, I got it all
+figured out scientifically. With the same amount of energy you
+expend in smokin' one cigar you could smoke between thirty and forty
+cigarettes, and being sort of gradual, you wouldn't begin to feel
+half as fatigued as if you--"
+
+"Did I understand you to say 'scientifically', or was it
+satirically?"
+
+"I'm tryin' to use common, every-day words, Mr. Shallop," said Mr.
+Smilk, with dignity, "and I wish you'd do the same."
+
+"Ahem! Well, light up, Cassius. I think I'll smoke a cigar. When you
+get through with the matches, push 'em over this way, will you? Help
+yourself to those chocolate creams. There's a pound box of them at
+your elbow, Oassius. I eat a great many. They're supposed to be
+fattening. Help yourself." After lighting his cigar Mr. Yollop
+inquired: "By the way, since you speak so feelingly I gather that
+you are a paroled convict."
+
+"That's what I am. And the worst of it is, it ain't my first
+offense. I mean it ain't the first time I've been paroled. To begin
+with, when I was somewhat younger than I am now, I was twice turned
+loose by judges on what they call 'suspended sentences.' Then I was
+sent up for two years for stealin' something or other,--I forgot
+just what it was. I served my time and a little later on went up
+again for three years for holdin' up a man over in Brooklyn. Well, I
+got paroled out inside of two years, and for nearly six months I had
+to report to the police ever' so often. Every time I reported I had
+my pockets full of loot I'd snitched durin' the month, stuff the
+bulls were lookin' for in every pawn-shop in town, but to save my
+soul I couldn't somehow manage to get myself caught with the goods
+on me. Say, I'd give two years off of my next sentence if I could
+cross my legs for five or ten minutes. This is gettin' worse and
+worse all the--"
+
+"You might try putting your left foot in the right hand drawer and
+your right foot in the other one," suggested Mr. Yollop.
+
+Mr. Smilk stared. "I've seen a lot of kidders in my time, but you
+certainly got 'em all skinned to death," said he.
+
+Mr. Yollop puffed reflectively for awhile, pondering the situation.
+"Well, suppose you remove one foot at a time, Cassius. As soon it is
+fairly well rested, put it back again and then take the other one
+out for a spell,--and so on. Half a loaf is better than no loaf at
+all."
+
+Smilk withdrew his left foot from its drawer and sighed gratefully.
+
+"As I was sayin'," he resumed, "if we could only put some kind of a
+curb on these here tender-hearted boobs--and boobesses--the world
+would be a much better place to live in. The way it is now, nine
+tenths of the fellers up in Sing Sing never know when they'll have
+to pack up and leave, and it's a constant strain on the nerves, I
+tell you. There seems to be a well-organized movement to interfere
+with the personal liberty of criminals, Mr. Poppup. These here
+sentimental reformers take it upon themselves to say whether a
+feller shall stay in prison or not. First, they come up there and
+pick out some poor helpless feller and say 'it's a crime to keep a
+good-lookin', intelligent boy like you in prison, so we're going to
+get you out on parole and make an honest, upright citizen of you.
+We're going to get you a nice job',--and so on and so forth. Well,
+before he knows it, he's out and has to put up a bluff of workin'
+for a livin'. Course, he just has to go to stealin' again. It makes
+him sore when he thinks of the good, honest life he was leadin' up
+there in the pen, with nothin' to worry about, satisfactory hours,
+plenty to eat, and practically divorced from his wife without havin'
+to go through the mill. If my calculations are correct, more than
+fifty per cent of the crime that's bein' committed these days is the
+work of paroled convicts who depended on the law to protect and
+support them for a given period of time. And does the law protect
+them? It does not. It allows a lot of pinheads to interfere with it,
+and what's the answer? A lot of poor devils are forced to go out and
+risk their lives tryin' to--"
+
+"Just a moment, please," interrupted Mr. Yollop. "You are talking a
+trifle too fast, Cassius. Moderate your speed a little. Before we go
+any further, I would like to be set straight on one point. Do you
+mean to tell me that you actually prefer being in prison?"
+
+"Well, now, that's a difficult question to answer," mused Mr. Smilk.
+"Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. It's sort of like being
+married, I suppose. Sometimes you're glad you're married and
+sometimes you wish to God you wasn't. Course, I've only been married
+three or four times, and I've been in the pen six times, one place
+or another, so I guess I'm not what you'd call an unbiased witness.
+I seem to have a leanin' toward jail,--about three to one in favor
+of jail, you might say, with the odds likely to be increased pretty
+shortly if all goes well. Do you mind if I change drawers?"
+
+"Eh! Oh, I see. Go ahead."
+
+Mr. Smilk put his right foot back into its drawer and withdrew the
+left.
+
+"Gets you right across this tendon on the back of your ankle," he
+said. "Now, you take the daily life of the average laboring man," he
+went on earnestly. "What does he get out of it? Nothin' but
+expenses. The only thing that don't cost him something is work. And
+all the time he's at work his expenses are goin' on just the same,
+pilin' up durin' his absence from home. Rent, food, fuel, light,
+doctor, liquor, clothes, shoes,--everything pilin' up on him while
+he's workin' for absolutely nothin' between pay days. The only time
+he gets anything for his work is on pay day. The rest of the time
+he's workin' for nothin', week in and week out. Say he works
+forty-four hours a week. When does he get his pay? While he's
+workin'? Not much. He has to work over time anywhere from fifteen
+minutes to half an hour--on his own time, mind you--standin' in line
+to get his pay envelope. And then when he gets it, what does he have
+to do? He has to go home and wonder how the hell he's goin' to get
+through the next week with nothin' but carfare to go on after his
+wife has told him to come across. Now you take a convict. He hasn't
+an expense in the world. Free grub, free bed, free doctor, free
+clothes,--he could have free liquor if the keepers would let his
+friends bring it in,--and his hours ain't any longer than any union
+man's hours. He don't have to pay dues to any labor union, he don't
+have to worry about strikes or strike benefits, he don't give a
+whoop what Gompers or anybody else says about Gary, and he don't
+care a darn whether the working man gets his beer or whether the
+revenue officers get it. He--"
+
+"Wait a second, please. Just as a matter of curiosity, Cassius, I'd
+like to know what your views are on prohibition."
+
+"Are you thinkin' of askin' me if I'll have something to drink?"
+inquired Mr. Smilk craftily.
+
+"What has that to do with it?"
+
+"A lot," said Mr. Smilk, with decision.
+
+"Do you approve of prohibition?"
+
+"I do," said the rogue. "In moderation."
+
+"Well, as soon as the police arrive I'll open a bottle of Scotch. In
+the meantime go ahead with your very illuminating dissertation. I am
+beginning to understand why crime is so attractive, so alluring. I
+am almost able to see why you fellows like to go to the
+penitentiary."
+
+"If you could only get shut up for a couple of years, Mr. Wollop,
+you'd appreciate just what has been done in the last few years to
+make us fellers like it. You wouldn't believe how much the reformers
+have done to induce us to come back as soon as possible. They give
+us all kinds of entertainment, free of charge. Three times a week we
+have some sort of a show, generally a band concert, a movin' picture
+show and a vaudeville show. Then, once a month they bring up some
+crackin' good show right out of a Broadway theater to make us forget
+that it's Sunday and we'll have to go to work the next morning.
+Scenery and costumes and everything and--and--" Here Mr. Smilk
+showed signs of blubbering, a weakness that suddenly gave way to the
+most energetic indignation. "Why, doggone it, every time I think of
+what that woman done to me, I could bite a nail in two. If it hadn't
+been for--"
+
+"Woman? What woman?"
+
+"The woman that got me paroled out. She got I don't know how many
+people to sign a petition, sayin' I was a fine feller and all that
+kind o' bunk, and all I needed was a chance to show the world how
+honest I am and--why, of course, I was honest. How could I help
+bein' honest up there? What's eatin' the darn fools? The only thing
+you can steal up there is a nap, and you got to be mighty slick if
+you want to do that, they watch you so close. But do you know what's
+going on in this country right now, Mr. Popple? There's a regular
+organized band of law-breakers operating from one end of the nation
+to the other. We're tryin' to bust it up, but it's a tough job. The
+best way to reform a reformer is to rob him. The minute he finds out
+he's been robbed he turns over a new leaf and begins to beller like
+a bull about how rotten the police are. Ninety nine times out of a
+hundred he quits his cussed interferin' with the law and becomes a
+decent, law-observin' citizen. Our scheme is to get busy as soon as
+we've been turned loose and while our so-called benefactors are
+still rejoicin' over havin' snatched a brand from the burnin', we up
+and show 'em the error of their ways. First offenders get off fairly
+easy. We simply sneak in and take their silver and some loose
+jewelry. The more hardened they are, the worse we treat 'em. Eing
+leaders some times get beat up so badly it's impossible to identify
+'em at the morgue. But in time we'll smash the gang, and then if a
+feller goes up for ten, twenty or even thirty years he'll know
+there's no underhanded work goin' on and he can settle down to an
+honest life. The only way to stop crime in this country, Mr. Yollop,
+is to--"
+
+"Thank you."
+
+"--is to make EVERYBODY respect the law. And with conditions so
+pleasant and so happy in the prison I want to tell you there's
+nobody in the country that respects and admires the law more than we
+do,--'specially us fellers that remember what the penitentiaries
+used to be like a few years ago when conditions were so tough that
+most of us managed to earn an honest livin' outside sooner than run
+the risk of gettin' sent up." He sighed deeply. Then with a trace of
+real solicitude in his manner: "Are your feet warm yet?"
+
+"Warm as toast. Your discourse, Cassius, has moved me deeply.
+Perhaps it would comfort you to call up police headquarters again
+and tell 'em to hurry along?"
+
+"Wouldn't be a bad idea," said Mr. Smilk. He took down the receiver.
+Presently: "Police headquarters? ... How about sending over to 418
+Sagamore for that burglar I was speakin' to you about recently? ...
+Sure, he's here yet. ... The same name I gave you earlier in the
+evening. ... Spell it yourself. You got it written down on a pad
+right there in front of you, haven't you? ... Say, if you don't get
+somebody around here pretty quick, I'm goin' to call up two or three
+of the newspaper offices and have 'em send--... All right. See that
+you do." Turning to Mr. Yollop, he said: "The police are a pretty
+decent lot when you get to know 'em, Mr. Yollop. They do their share
+towards enforcin' the law. They do their best to get us the limit.
+The trouble is, they got to fight tooth and nail against almost
+everybody that ain't on the police force. Specially jurymen. There
+ain't a juryman in New York City that wants to believe a policeman
+on oath. He'd sooner believe a crook, any day. And sometimes the
+judges are worse than the juries. A pal of mine, bein' in
+considerable of a hurry to get back home one very cold winter,
+figured that if he went up and plead guilty before a judge he'd save
+a lot of time. Well, sir, the doggone judge looked him over for a
+minute or two, and suddenly, out of a clear sky, asked him if he had
+a family,--and when he acknowledged, being an honest though ignorant
+guy, that he had a wife and three children, the judge said, if he'd
+promise to go out and earn a livin' for them he'd let him off with a
+suspended sentence, and before he had a chance to say he'd be damned
+if he'd make any such fool promise, the bailiff hustled him out the
+runway and told him to 'beat it'. He had to go out and slug a poor
+old widow woman and rob her of all the money she'd saved since her
+husband died--say, that reminds me. I got a favor I'd like to ask
+of you, Mr. Yollop."
+
+"I'm inclined to grant almost any favor you may ask," said Mr.
+Yollop, sympathetically. "I know how miserable you must feel,
+Cassius, and how hard life is for you. Do you want me to shoot you?"
+
+"No, I don't," exclaimed Mr. Smilk hastily. "I want you to take my
+roll of bills and hide it before the police come. That ain't much to
+ask, is it?"
+
+"Bless my soul! How extraordinary!"
+
+"There's something over six hundred dollars in the roll," went on
+Cassius confidentially. "It ain't that I'm afraid the cops will grab
+it for themselves, understand. But, you see, it's like this. The
+first thing the judge asks you when you are arraigned is whether you
+got the means to employ a lawyer. If you ain't, he appoints some one
+and it don't cost you a cent. Now, if I go down to the Tombs with
+all this money, why, by gosh, it will cost me just that much to get
+sent to Sing Sing, 'cause whatever you've got in the shape of real
+money is exactly what your lawyer's fee will be, and it don't seem
+sensible to spend all that money to get sent up when you can obtain
+the same result for nothin'. Ain't that so?"
+
+"It sounds reasonable, Cassius. You appear to be a thrifty as well
+as an honest fellow. But, may I be permitted to ask what the devil
+you are doing with six hundred dollars on your person while actively
+engaged in the pursuit of your usual avocation? Why didn't you leave
+it at home?"
+
+"Home? My God, man, don't you know it ain't safe these days to have
+a lot of money around the house? With all these burglaries going on?
+Not on your life. Even if I had had all this dough when I left home
+to-night, I wouldn't have taken any such chance as leavin' it there.
+The feller I'm roomin' with is figurin' on turning over a new leaf;
+he's thinkin' of gettin' married for five or six months and I don't
+think he could stand temptation."
+
+"Do you mean to say, you acquired your roll after leaving home
+tonight, eh?"
+
+"To be perfectly honest with you, Mr. Moppup, I--"
+
+"Yollop, please."
+
+"--Yollop, I found this money in front of a theater up town,--just
+after the police nabbed a friend of mine who had frisked some guy of
+his roll and had to drop it in a hurry."
+
+"And you want me to keep it for you till you are free again,--is
+that it?"
+
+"Just as soon as the trial is over and I get my sentence, I'll send
+a pal of mine around to you with a note and you can turn it over to
+him. All I'm after, is to keep some lawyer from gettin'--"
+
+"What would you say, Cassius, if I were to tell you that I am a
+lawyer?"
+
+"I'd say you're a darned fool to confess when you don't have to,"
+replied Mr. Smilk succinctly.
+
+Mr. Yollop chuckled. "Well, I'm not a lawyer. Nevertheless, I must
+decline to act as a depository for your obviously ill-gotten gains."
+
+"Gee, that's tough," lamented Mr. Smilk. "Wouldn't you just let me
+drop it behind something or other,--that book case over there
+say,--and I'll promise to send for it some night when you're out,--"
+
+"No use, Cassius," broke in Mr. Yollop, firmly. "I'm deaf to your
+entreaties. Permit me to paraphrase a very well-known line. 'None so
+deaf as him who will not hear.'"
+
+"If I speak very slowly and distinctly don't you think you could
+hear me if I was to offer to split the wad even with
+you,--fifty-fifty,--no questions asked?" inquired Cassius, rather
+wistfully.
+
+"See here," exclaimed Mr. Yollop, irritably; "you got me in this
+position and I want you to get me out of it. While I've been
+squatting here listening to you, they've both gone to sleep and I'm
+hanged if I can move 'em. I never would have dreamed of sitting on
+them if you hadn't put the idea into my head, confound you."
+
+"Let 'em hang down for a while," suggested Mr. Smilk. "That'll wake
+'em up."
+
+"Easier said than done," snapped the other. He managed, however, to
+get his benumbed feet to the floor and presently stood up on them.
+Mr. Smilk watched him with interest as he hobbled back and forth in
+front of the desk. "They'll be all right in a minute or two. By
+Jove, I wish my sister could have heard all you've been saying about
+prisons and paroles and police. I ought to have had sense enough to
+call her. She's asleep at the other end of the hall."
+
+"I hate women," growled Mr. Smilk. "Ever since that pie-faced dame
+got me chucked out of Sing Sing,--say, let me tell you something
+else she done to me. She gave me an address somewhere up on the East
+Side and told me to come and see her as soon as I got out. Well, I
+hadn't been out a week when I went up to see her one night,--or,
+more strictly speakin', one morning about two o'clock. What do you
+think? It was an empty house, with a 'for rent' sign on it. I found
+out the next day she'd moved a couple of weeks before and had gone
+to some hotel for the winter because it was impossible to keep any
+servants while this crime wave is goin' on. The janitor told me
+she'd had three full sets of servants stole right out from under her
+nose by female bandits over on Park Avenue. I don't suppose I'll
+ever have another chance to get even with her. Everything all set to
+bind and gag her, and maybe rap her over the bean a couple of times
+and--say, can you beat it for rotten luck? She--she double-crossed
+me, that's what she--"
+
+A light, hesitating rap on the library door interrupted Mr. Smilk's
+bitter reflection.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER THREE
+
+
+
+
+
+"Some one at the door," the burglar announced, after a moment. Mr.
+Yollop had failed to hear the tapping.
+
+"You can't fool me, Cassius. It's an old trick but it won't work.
+I've seen it done on the stage too many times to be caught napping
+by,--"
+
+"There it goes again. Louder, please!" he called with considerable
+vehemence and was rewarded by a scarcely audible tapping indicative
+not only of timidity but of alarm as well--"Say," he bawled,
+"you'll have to cut out that spirit rapping if you want to come in.
+Use your night-stick!"
+
+"Ah, the police at last," cried Mr. Yollop. "You'd better take this
+revolver now, Mr. Smilk," he added hastily. "I won't want 'em to
+catch me with a weapon in my possession. It means a heavy fine or
+imprisonment." He shoved the pistol across the desk. "They wouldn't
+believe me if I said it was yours."
+
+A sharp, penetrating rat-a-tat on the door. Mr. Smilk picked up the
+revolver.
+
+"You bet they wouldn't," said he. "If I swore on a stack of bibles I
+let a boob like you take it away from me, they'd send me to
+Matteawan, and God knows,--"
+
+"Come in!" called out Mr. Yollop.
+
+The door opened and a plump, dumpy lady in a pink peignoir, her
+front hair done up in curl-papers stood revealed on the threshold
+blinking in the strong light.
+
+"Goodness gracious, Crittenden," she cried irritably, "don't you
+know what time of night it--"
+
+She broke off abruptly as Mr. Smilk, with a great clatter, yanked
+his remaining foot from the drawer and arose, overturning the
+swivel-chair in his haste.
+
+"Well, for the love of--" oozed from his gaping mouth. Suddenly he
+turned his face away and hunched one shoulder up as a sort of
+shield.
+
+"It's long past three o'clock," went on the newcomer severely. "I'm
+sorry to interrupt a conference but I do think you might arrange for
+an appointment during the day, sir. My brother has not been well and
+if ever a man needed sleep and rest and regular hours, he does.
+Crittenden, I wish you--"
+
+"Cassius," interrupted Mr. Yollop urbanely, "this is my sister, Mrs.
+Champney. I want you to repeat--Turn around here, can't you? What's
+the matter with you?"
+
+"Don't order me around like that," muttered Mr. Smilk, still with
+his face averted. "I've got the gun now and I'll do as I damn'
+please. You can't talk to me like--"
+
+"Goodness! Who is this man?" cried the lady, stopping short to
+regard the blasphemer with shocked, disapproving eyes. "And what is
+he doing with a revolver in his hand?"
+
+"Give me that pistol,--at once," commanded Mr. Yollop. "Hand it
+over!"
+
+"Not on your life," cried Mr. Smilk triumphantly. He faced Mrs.
+Champney. "Take off them rings, you. Put 'em here on the desk.
+Lively, now! And don't yelp! Do you get me? DON'T YELP!"
+
+Mrs. Champney stared unblinkingly, speechless.
+
+"Put up your hands, Yollop!" ordered Mr. Smilk.
+
+"Why,--why, it's Ernest,--Ernest Wilson," she gasped, incredulously.
+Then, with a little squeak of relief: "Don't pay any attention to
+him, Crittenden. He is a friend of mine. Don't you remember me,
+Ernest? I am--"
+
+"You bet your life I remember you," said the burglar softly, almost
+purringly.
+
+"Ernest your grandmother," cried Mr. Yollop jerking the disk first
+one way and then the other in order to catch the flitting duologue.
+"His name is Smilk,--Cassius Smilk."
+
+"Nothing of the sort," said Mrs. Champney sharply. "It's Ernest
+Wilson,--isn't it, Ernest?"
+
+"Take off them rings," was the answer she got.
+
+"What is this man doing here, Crittenden?" demanded Mrs. Champney,
+paying no heed to Smilk's command.
+
+"He's a burglar," replied Mr. Yollop. "I guess you'd better take off
+your rings, Alice."
+
+"Do you mean to tell me, Ernest Wilson, that you've gone back to
+your evil ways after all I,--"
+
+"I say, Cassius," cried Mr. Yollop, "is this the woman you wanted to
+bind and gag and--and--"
+
+"Yes, and rap over the bean," finished Mr. Smilk, as the speaker
+considerately refrained.
+
+"Rap over the--what?" inquired Mrs. Champney, squinting.
+
+"The bean," said Mr. Smilk, with emphasis.
+
+"I can't imagine what has come over you, Ernest. You were such a
+nice, quiet, model prisoner,--one of the most promising I ever had
+anything to do with. The authorities assured me that you--do you
+mean to tell me that you entered this apartment for the purpose of
+robbing it? Don't answer! I don't want to hear your voice again. You
+have given me the greatest disappointment of my life. I trusted you,
+Ernest,--I had faith in you,--and--and now I find you here in my
+own brother's apartment, of all places in the world, still pursuing
+your-"
+
+"Well, you went and moved away on me," broke in Smilk wrathfully.
+
+"That's right, Alice," added Mr. Yollop. "You went and moved on him.
+He told me that just before you came in."
+
+"You may as well understand right now, Ernest Wilson, that I shall
+never intercede for you again," said Mrs. Champney sternly. "I shall
+let you rot in prison. I am through with you. You don't deserve--"
+
+"Are you goin' to take off them rings, or have I got to--"
+
+"Would you rob your benefactress?" demanded the lady.
+
+"Every time I think of all that you robbed me of, I--I--" began Mr.
+Smilk, shakily.
+
+"Don't blubber, Cassius," said Mr. Yollop consolingly. "You see, my
+dear Alice, Mr. Smilk thinks,--and maintains,--that you did him a
+dirty trick when you had him turned out into a wicked, dishonest
+world. He was living on the fat of the land up there in Sing Sing,
+seeing motion pictures and plays and so forth, without a worry in
+the world, with union hours and union pay, no one depending--"
+
+"What nonsense are you talking? How could he have union pay in a
+penitentiary, Crittenden?"
+
+"Don't interrupt me, please. However, I will explain that he was
+just as well-off at the end of the week as any union laborer is, and
+no street car fare to pay besides. Free food, fuel, lodging,
+divorce, music--"
+
+"I forgot to mention baseball," interrupted Mr. Smilk. "And once in
+awhile an electrocution to break the monotony, to say nothin' of a
+jail-break every now and then. Say, you'll have to get a move on,
+Mrs. Champney,--God, will I ever forget that name!--'cause we're
+expectin' the police here before long. I've changed my mind about
+havin' you hold your hands up, Mr. Yollop. You made me telephone for
+the police to come around and arrest me. Now I'm goin' to make you
+bind and gag this lady. I can't very well do it myself and keep you
+covered at the same time, and while I ought to give you a wollop on
+the jaw, same as you done to me, I ain't goin' to do it. You can
+scream if you want to, ma'am,--yell 'bloody murder', and 'police',
+and everything. It's all the same to me. Go ahead and--"
+
+"It is not my intention to do anything of the kind," announced the
+lady haughtily. "But I want to tell you one thing, Crittenden
+Yollop. If you attempt to gag and bind me, I'll bite and scratch,
+even if you are my own brother."
+
+Mr. Yollop pondered. "I think, Cassius, if you don't mind, I'd
+rather you'd hit me a good sound wollop on the jaw."
+
+"I'll tell you what I'll do," modified Mr. Smilk. "I'll lock you in
+that closet over there, Mr. Yollop, so's you won't have to watch me
+rap her over the bean. After I've gone through the apartment,
+I'll--"
+
+"Would you strike a woman, Ernest Wilson?" cried Mrs. Champney.
+
+"See here, Smilk," said Mr. Yollop, "I cannot allow you to strike my
+sister. If you so much as lay a finger on her, I'll thrash you
+within an inch of your life."
+
+"Oh, you will, will you?" sneered Mr. Smilk.
+
+"If you want to go ahead and rob this apartment in a decent, orderly
+way, all well and good. My sister and I will personally conduct you
+through,--"
+
+"We will do nothing of the kind," blazed Mrs. Champney.
+
+"I'd like to see you try to thrash me within an inch--"
+
+"And, what's more," went on the lady, "I will see that you go up for
+twenty years, Ernest Wilson, you degraded, ungrateful wretch."
+
+Smilk's face brightened. He even allowed himself a foxy grin.
+
+"Now you're beginnin' to talk sense," said he.
+
+"Sit down, Ernest, and let me talk quietly to you," said Mrs.
+Champney. "I'm sure you don't quite realize what you are doing. You
+need moral support. You are not naturally a bad man. You--"
+
+"Are you goin' to take them rings off peaceably?" muttered Smilk, a
+hunted look leaping into his eyes.
+
+"I am not," said she.
+
+"Speak a little louder, both of you," complained Mr. Yollop. "This
+contraption of mine doesn't seem to catch what you are saying."
+
+"Jiggle it," said Smilk brightly.
+
+"How long ago did you telephone for the police, Crittenden?"
+
+"How long ago was it, Cassius?"
+
+"Only about an hour. We got plenty of time to finish up before they
+get here."
+
+"Do you think it will go harder with you, Cassius, if they find Mrs.
+Champney bound and gagged and everything scattered about the floor,
+and the jewelry in your possession?"
+
+"It might help," said Cassius. "The trouble is, you never can tell
+what a damn' fool jury will do, 'specially to a guy with a record
+like mine."
+
+"You had a splendid record up at Sing Sing," announced the lady.
+"That's why I had so little trouble--"
+
+"You don't get me," said Cassius lugubriously. "My record is a bad
+one. I've been paroled twice. That's bound to influence most any
+jury against me. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if they recommended
+clemency, as the sayin' is, and after all that's been done to keep
+me out of the pen, the judge is likely to up and give me the minimum
+sentence. No," he went on, "I guess I'll have to rap somebody over
+the bean. I'd sooner it as you, ma'am, on account of the way you
+forced me into a life of crime when I was leadin' an honest, happy,
+carefree--"
+
+"Why, the man's insane, Crittenden,--positively insane. He doesn't
+know what he's--"
+
+"For God's sake, don't start anything like that," barked Cassius.
+"That would be the LIMIT!"
+
+"You don't understand, Alice," said Mr. Yollop kindly. "The poor
+fellew merely wants to have the law enforced. He says it's a crime
+the way the law is being violated these days. Or words to that
+effect, eh, Cassius?"
+
+"Yes, sir. There are more honest, law-abidin' men up in Sing Sing
+right at this minute than there are in the whole city of New York.
+Or words to that effect, as you say, Mr. Yollop. The surest and
+quickest way to make an honest man of a crook is to send him to the
+pen. I don't know as I've ever heard of a robbery, or a holdup, or
+anything like that up there."
+
+"The way he rambles, Crittenden, is proof--"
+
+"It would be just like her to go on the stand and swear I'm batty,"
+snarled Cassius. "I got to do something about it, Mr. Yollop. She's
+goin' to interfere with the law again, sure as God made little
+apples. I can see it comin'. I'm goin' to count three, ma'am. If you
+don't let Mr. Yollop start to tyin' you up with that muffler of his
+hangin' over there in the closet by the time I've said three, I'm
+goin' to shoot him. I hate to do it, 'cause he's a fine feller and
+don't deserve to be shot on account of any darn' fool woman."
+
+"I suppose you know the law provides a very unpleasant penalty for
+murder," said Mrs. Champney, but her voice quavered disloyally.
+
+"One!" began Cassius ominously.
+
+"Do you really mean it?" she cried, and glanced frantically over her
+shoulder at the open closet door.
+
+"Two," replied Cassius.
+
+"Count slowly," implored Mr. Yollop.
+
+"You--you may tie my hands, Critt--Crittenden,--" chattered the
+lady.
+
+"You mustn't bite or scratch him," warned Cassius.
+
+Sixty seconds later, Mrs. Champney stood before the burglar, her
+wrists securely bound behind her back.
+
+"Will you gag her, or must I?" demanded Cassius.
+
+"I will give you my word of honor not to scream," faltered the
+crumpling lady.
+
+"It ain't the screamin' I object to," said Smilk. "It's the talkin'.
+You've done too much talkin' already, ma'am. If you hadn't talked so
+much I wouldn't be here tonight."
+
+"Have you a hanky, Cassius?" inquired Mr. Yollop.
+
+"I refuse to have that disgusting wretch's filthy handkerchief
+stuffed into my mouth," cried Mrs. Champney, with spirit. Mr. Yollop
+chuckled. "Good gracious, Crittenden, what is there to laugh at?"
+
+"I was thinking of your roll of bills, Cassius," said Mr. Yollop.
+
+"Not on your life," said Cassius, who evidently had had the same
+thought. "She'd swaller it."
+
+"I suppose we'd better repair to your room, Alice, where we can
+obtain the necessary articles. Mr. Smilk will naturally want to
+ransack your room anyhow, so we 'll be saving quite a bit of time.
+And the police are likely to be here any minute now."
+
+"You forgot to take your rings off, ma'am," reminded Mr. Smilk.
+"That's got to be attended to, first of all. Take 'em off, Mr.
+Yollop, and put 'em here on the desk." A moment later he dropped the
+three costly rings into his coat pocket. "Now," said he, "lead the
+way. I'll be right behind you with the gun. No monkey business,
+now,--remember that."
+
+It was not long before Mrs. Champney, properly gagged, found herself
+lashed to a rocking-chair in the charming little bed chamber,
+occupying, so to speak, a select position from which to observe the
+hasty but skillful operations of her recalcitrant beneficiary. She
+watched him empty her innovation trunk, the drawers in her bureau,
+and the closet in which her choicest gowns were hanging. He did it
+very thoroughly. The floor was strewn with lingerie, hats, shoes,
+slippers, gloves, stockings, furs, frocks,--over which he trod with
+professional disdain; he broke open her smart little jewel case and
+took therefrom a glittering assortment of rings, bracelets, and
+earrings; a horseshoe pin, a gorgeous crescent, and a string of
+pearls; a platinum and diamond wrist watch, an acorn watch, a
+diamond collar, several bars of diamonds, rubies and emeralds, and
+odds and ends of feminine vanity all without so much as pausing to
+classify them beyond the mere word "junk". All of this dazzling
+fortune he stuffed carelessly into his pocket.
+
+During the proceedings, Mr. Yollop stood obediently over against the
+wall, his hands aloft, his back towards the rummaging Cassius.
+
+"What's in that room over there?" demanded the burglar, pointing to
+a closed door. For obvious reasons there was no response. He scowled
+for a second or two and then, striding over to Mr. Yollop, seized
+him by the shoulder and turned him about-face. Then he repeated the
+question.
+
+"That's the room where my niece sleeps. A little ten year old child,
+Cassius. You will oblige me by not disturbing--"
+
+"Is her hair bobbed?" broke in Mr. Smilk.
+
+"Certainly not. She wears it long. Beautiful golden tresses, Smilk.
+Particularly beautiful when she's asleep, spreading out all over the
+pillow like a silken--" An audible, muffled, groan came from the
+occupant of the rocking-chair heard only by Mr. Smilk. His gaze went
+first to the purpling face of Mrs. Champney, then to the door, then
+back to the lady again.
+
+"For your sake, Mr. Yollop, I won't clip it," he announced. "I know
+I'd ought to, but--Well, I guess it's about time we went back to the
+library again. The cops will be along in a couple of minutes now,
+according to my calculations. I can tell almost to a minute how long
+it takes them to get around to where a burglary has been committed.
+If you'll tell me where you think your slippers are we'll stop and
+get 'em on the way."
+
+Leaving Mrs. Champney seated alone and helpless in the midst of the
+confusion, Smilk marched Mr. Yollop to his bedroom and then up the
+hall to the scene of the first encounter.
+
+"It seems sort of a pity not to get away with all this stuff," said
+the burglar, rattling the objects in his pocket. "It ain't
+professional. I'm beginnin' to change my mind about bein' arrested,
+Mr. Yollop: I know a girl that would be tickled to death to have
+these things to splash around in. She's a peach of a--say, I believe
+I'll use your telephone again. I'll call her up and see how she
+feels about it. If she says she'd like to have 'em, I'll make my
+getaway before the cops--"
+
+"You will find the telephone directory hanging on the end of the
+desk, Cassius," said Mr. Yollop graciously. He was seated in the big
+arm chair again, wriggling his toes delightedly in the cozy, fleece
+lined bed-room slippers. "But are you not afraid she will be annoyed
+if you get her out of bed this time o' night? It's after three."
+
+"I know the number. Yes, she'll be sore at first, but--Hello
+Central?" He lowered his voice almost to a whisper, so that Mr.
+Yollop could not hear. "Give me Plaza 00100. Right." Turning to Mr.
+Yollop, he announced as he sank back into the chair comfortably:
+
+"It's an apartment. We'll probably have quite a long wait. I've
+found it takes some little time to wake the head of the house and
+get him to the 'phone. And say, he's the darndest grouch I've ever
+tackled. Get's sore as a crab. But we've got him where we want him.
+He knows darned well if he kicks up a row, she'll quit and his wife
+couldn't get anybody in her place for love or money these days. I
+was sayin' only the other night--" Again lowering his voice: "Is
+this Plaza 00100? ... I want to speak to Yilga, please." ... Raising
+his voice considerably: "Here, now, cut that out! ... Well, it IS
+important. ... Course, I know what time o' night it is. ... Yes,
+it's a damned outrage an' all that, but--what? ... All right, I'll
+hold the wire. Tell her to hustle, will you?"
+
+"I wish I had shot you, Smilk, when I had the chance," said Mr.
+Yollop sadly. "This is abominable, atrocious. Getting a man out of
+bed at half-past three! It's unspeakable, Smilk!"
+
+"She's a light sleeper," mused Mr. Smilk aloud, dreamily.
+
+"What say?"
+
+"Don't bother me. I'm thinkin'!"
+
+Mr. Yollop waited a moment. "What are you thinking about, Cassius?"
+
+Cassius started. "... Eh? I was thinkin' about the last time I had
+breakfast at Mr. Johnson's apartment. It was that terrible cold
+morning the first of last week. By gosh, how that girl can cook! Six
+fried eggs and--yes? Hello!"
+
+Plaza 00100: "Yilga's not in yet."
+
+Smilk, sharply: "What's that?"
+
+Plaza 00100: "She's out."
+
+Smilk, sharply: "Out? Come off! You can't put that sort of stuff
+over me--"
+
+Plaza 00100: "I tell you she's not in. That's all. And say, don't
+call up this apartment again at--"
+
+Smilk: "Say, it's nearly four o'clock. She must be in."
+
+Plaza 00100: "She's not in, I tell you. She went out last evening
+with her young man. One of the other maids stuck her head out of her
+door and told me."
+
+Smilk, with fallen jaw: "What--what time do you expect her in?"
+
+Plaza 00100: "I don't know, and I don't give a damn so long as she's
+here in time to get break--"
+
+Smilk, furiously: "Hey, you go back there and bust into her room.
+Hear what I say? Better take a club or a gun or something--"
+
+Plaza 00100; "Go to thunder!"
+
+Smilk, flinching as he jerked the receiver away from his ear: "Lord!
+I bet he put that telephone out of whack!"
+
+He sagged a little as he slowly hung up the receiver. For a moment
+he stared desolately at Mr. Yollop and then recovering himself
+gradually rushed with ever increasing velocity into the most violent
+hurricane of profanity that ever was centered upon the frailty of
+woman. Running out of expletives he at last subsided into an ominous
+calm.
+
+"For two cents," groaned he, "I'd blow my head off." He gazed
+hungrily at the revolver.
+
+"I never dreamed there were so many cuss-words in the world," gasped
+Mr. Yollop, blinking.
+
+"There ain't half enough," announced Mr. Smilk, in a far away voice.
+
+"Put that pistol down!" roared Mr. Yollop. "What are you going to
+do? Shoot yourself?"
+
+"It would save an awful lot of trouble," said Mr. Smilk.
+
+"The deuce it would! My servants would be a week cleaning up after
+you, and you'd probably ruin this Meshed rug. Besides, confound you,
+the police would think that I shot you. Give me that pistol! Give it
+to me, I say. You can come in here and rob to your heart's content,
+but I'm damned if I'll allow you to commit suicide here. That's a
+little too thick, Smilk. Why the dickens should you worry about that
+infernal jade? Aren't you going to the penitentiary for fifteen or
+twenty years? Aren't you-"
+
+"You're right,--you're right," broke in Cassius, drawing a deep
+breath. "I guess I had a kind of a brainstorm. It was the jewels
+that done it. Funny how a feller gets the feelin' that he just has
+to give diamonds and pearls to his girl. It came over me all of a
+sudden. The only things I ever gave that girl was a moleskin coat, a
+sable collar and muff, and a gold mesh bag with seventy-eight
+dollars and a lace handkerchief in it. For a minute or two I was
+tempted to give her diamonds and rubies--oh, well, I guess I've had
+my lesson. Never again! Never again, Mr. Yollop. I'm off women from
+now on. Here's the gun. If the police try to hang it on you, I'll
+swear it's mine. Listen! there's the elevator stoppin' at this
+floor. It's them. Before we let 'em in, I'd like to tell you I've
+never had a more interestin' evenin' in my whole life. What's more I
+never saw a man like you. You got me guessin'. You're either the
+goshdarndest fool livin' or else you're the slickest confidence man
+outside of captivity. Which are you? That's what's eatin' me."
+
+"I'm both," said Mr. Yollop, picking up the revolver.
+
+"That ain't possible," said Mr. Smilk.
+
+"Oh, yes, it is. I'm a milliner, Cassius."
+
+"I know you're a millionaire, but that don't,--"
+
+"I said milliner."
+
+"Run a mill of some kind?"
+
+"No, I make hats for women."
+
+As the incredulous burglar opened his mouth to say something the
+buzzer on the door sounded.
+
+"They got here just in time," he substituted.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FOUR
+
+
+
+
+
+The case of the State vs. Cassius Smilk, charged with burglary, was
+finally set for trial the second week in February, just one year,
+one month and eleven days after his arrest in the apartment of
+Crittenden Yollop. There had been, it appears, a slight delay in
+getting 'round to his case. The dockets in all Parts of General
+Sessions were more or less clogged by the efforts of ex-convicts to
+get back into the penitentiary. Also, there were a great many murder
+cases that kept bobbing up every now and then for continuance on one
+plea or another to the disgust of the harassed judges; to say
+nothing of the re-trials made necessary by the jurors who listened
+more attentively to the lawyers who "summed up" than they did to the
+witnesses who were under oath to tell nothing but the truth.
+
+Cassius, on arraignment, had pleaded not guilty, according to the
+ancient ritual of his profession. Notwithstanding his evident and
+expressed desire to return to a haven of peace and luxury, he was
+far too conscientious a criminal to violate the soundest--it may
+well be said, the elemental--law of his craft, by pleading guilty to
+anything.
+
+It was a matter of principle with him. Circumstances had nothing to
+do with it. The instant he found himself in court, he reverted to
+type, somewhat gleefully setting about to make as much trouble as
+possible. He adhered to the principle that no criminal is adequately
+punished unless the people are made to pay for the privilege of
+suppressing him. The only way to make the people respect the law, he
+contended, is to let 'em understand that it costs money to enforce
+it. Besides, crime has a certain, clearly established dignity that
+must be reckoned with. The world thinks a great deal less of you if
+after you have violated the law, you also refuse to fight it.
+
+Take the judge, for instance. (I quote Smilk.) What sort of an
+opinion does he have of you if you slide up to the little "gate,"
+with your tail between your legs and plead guilty? Why, he hardly
+notices you. He has to put on his spectacles in order to see you at
+all and he doesn't even have to look in the statute book to refresh
+his memory as to the minimum penalty for larceny or whatever it is.
+And the way the Assistant District Attorney looks at you! And the
+bailiffs too. But put up a fight and see what happens. The whole
+blamed works sits up and takes notice. The judge looks over his
+spectacles and says to himself, "by gosh, he's a tough lookin' bird,
+that guy is;" the District Attorney goes around tellin' everybody in
+a whisper that you're a desperate character; the clerk of the court,
+the stenographer and all the bailiffs sort of wake up and act busy;
+the men waiting to be examined for jobs on the jury begin to fidget
+and wonder whether the judge is a "crab" or a nice, decent feller
+what'll let 'em off when they tell him they got sickness in the
+family, and all of 'em ha tin' you worse than poison because you
+didn't plead guilty.
+
+He was remanded for trial within two weeks after his arrest. The
+court, finding him penniless, announced he would appoint counsel to
+defend him. Whereupon Smilk sauntered back to the Tombs with a light
+heart, confident that his sojourn there would be brief and that
+March at the very latest would see him snugly settled in his
+rent-free, food-free, landlordless home on the Hudson, entertainment
+for man and beast provided without discrimination, crime no object.
+
+First of all, his lawyer unexpectedly got a job to represent a shady
+lady in a sensational breach of promise suit that drew weekly
+postponements over a period of five months and finally died a
+natural death out of court sometime in June.
+
+This resulted in his lawyer becoming so affluent that it wasn't
+necessary for him to bother with Cassius, so he withdrew from the
+case. After some delay, another lawyer was appointed to defend him
+and things began to look up. But by this time the dockets had become
+so jammed with unrelated dilemmas, and the summer heat was so
+intense, that the new lawyer informed him he couldn't possibly
+sandwich him in unless he would consent to change his plea to
+"guilty", contending that the combination of humility and humidity
+would go a long ways towards softening the judge. But Cassius
+sturdily refused to cheapen himself.
+
+In the meantime, new crimes had been committed by countless
+gentlemen of leisure; the Tombs was full of men clamoring for
+attention, and there was an undetected waiting list outside that
+stretched all the way from the Battery to the lower extremities of
+Yonkers.
+
+The principal witness, Mr. Crittenden Yollop, did his best to behave
+nobly. He thrice postponed a business trip to Paris in order to be
+within reach when Cassius needed him. Then, in the fall, when things
+looked most propitious for a speedy termination of Smilk's suspense,
+the millinery business took a sudden and alarming turn for the worse
+and Mr. Yollop fell into the hands of the specialists. He had his
+teeth ex-rayed, his sinuses probed, his eyes examined, his stomach
+sounded, his intestines visited, his nerves tampered with, his blood
+tested, his kidneys explored, his heart observed, his ears
+inspected, his gall stones (if he had any) shifted, his last will
+and testament drawn up, his funeral practically arranged for,--all
+by different scientists,--and then was ordered to go off somewhere
+in the country and play golf for his health. He went to Hot Springs,
+Virginia, and inside of two weeks contracted the golf disease in its
+most virulent form. He got it so bad that other players looked upon
+him as a scourge and avoided him even to the point of
+self-sacrifice. It was said of him that when he once got on a green
+it was next to impossible to get him off of it.
+
+But all this is neither here nor there. Suffice to say that shortly
+after his return to New York, Mr. Yollop paid a more or less
+clandestine visit to the Tombs, where he saw Cassius. This was the
+week before the trial was to open. He found the crook in a
+disconsolate frame of mind.
+
+"Don't call me Yollop," he managed to convey to the prisoner. "I
+gave another name to the jailer or whatever he is. Is it jail bird?
+It wouldn't look right for the prosecuting witness to come down here
+to see you. They think I'm your brother-in-law."
+
+Smilk glowered. "Has your hearin' improved any?" he inquired, after
+locating the disc.
+
+"No, of course not."
+
+"Then," said the prisoner, "I can't tell you what I think of you
+without the whole damn' jail hearin' me, so I guess you'd better
+beat it."
+
+"Splendid! That's just the way I might have expected you to talk to
+your brother-in-law."
+
+"Well, what do you want anyhow?"
+
+"I don't think that's a very nice way to speak to a--"
+
+"Come on, what do you want to see me about? Get it over with and get
+out. It can't help my case any if it gets noised around that you
+come down here to pay a friendly visit to me. I'm havin' a hard
+enough time as it is. It's gettin' so it's almost impossible to get
+back into the pen even--"
+
+"See here, Cassius, I've been giving your case a great deal--of
+serious thought. I want to help you out of this scrape if there is
+any way to do it."
+
+"That's just what I thought you'd be up to," groaned Cassius.
+"What's got into you? Have you soured on life, or what is it?"
+
+"Not a bit of it. You do not get my meaning. Your wife came to see
+me yesterday afternoon."
+
+"My wife? Which one?"
+
+"A tallish one with a flat nose."
+
+"Yes, I know her. What'd she want?"
+
+"She asked me to be as easy on you as I could, on account of the
+children."
+
+"How many children has she got now?"
+
+"Four, she informs me. The youngest is two and a half."
+
+Cassius seemed to be doing a bit of mental arithmetic. He pondered
+well before speaking. Then he said: "Did she say whose children?"
+
+"I assumed them to be yours, Cassius."
+
+Smilk grinned. "Well, I guess she's adopted a couple since the last
+time I saw her, which was five years ago last Spring. I been married
+twice since then. So she wants you to go easy on me, eh?"
+
+"She seems to think that if I intercede for you the judge will let
+you off with a suspended sentence, and then you can go to work and
+support your family."
+
+"It's time she woke up," snarled Smilk.
+
+"I been at large quite a bit in the last ten years and if she can
+prove that I ever supported her,--why, darn her hide, what right has
+she got to accuse me of supportin' her when she knows I've never
+been guilty of doin' it? She knows as well as anything that she
+supported me on three different occasions when I was out for a month
+or two at a stretch. I will say this for her, she supported me
+better than the other two did,--a lot better. And it's her own fault
+her nose is flat. If she'd stood still that time--But I'm not goin'
+to discuss family affairs with you, Mr. Yol--"
+
+"Sh! Easy!"
+
+"It's all right. He ain't listenin'."
+
+"What is your brother-in-law's name?" in a whisper.
+
+"I never had but one name for him, and it's something I wouldn't
+call you for anything in the world," said Smilk. "Let's make it
+Bill. You ain't goin' to do what she asks, are you? You ain't goin'
+to do a dirty trick like that are you,--Bill?"
+
+"I thought I would come down and talk the matter over with you,
+Cash. I'm in quite a dilemma. She says if I don't help you out of
+this scrape she and all your children will haunt me to my dying day.
+It sounds rather terrible, doesn't it?"
+
+"I can't think of anything worse," acknowledged Cassius, solemnly.
+
+"She asked me what I thought your sentence would be, and I told her
+I doubted very much whether you'd get more than a year or so, in
+view of all the extenuating circumstances,--that is to say, your
+self-restraint and all that when you had not only the jewels but the
+revolver as well. That seemed to cheer her up a bit."
+
+"You made a ten strike that time, Bill," said Smilk, his face
+brightening. "I didn't give you credit for bein' so clever. If she
+thinks I'll be out in a year or two, maybe she'll be satisfied to
+keep her nose out of my affairs. If you had told her I was dead sure
+to go up for twenty years or so, she'd come and camp over there in
+the Criminal Courts Building and just raise particular hell with
+everything."
+
+Mr. Yollop turned his face away. "I'm sorry to bring bad news to
+you, Cash, but she's made up her mind to attend your trial next
+Monday. She's going to bring the children and--"
+
+He was interrupted by the string of horrific oaths that issued,
+pianissimo, through the twisted lips of the prisoner. After a time,
+Cassius interrupted himself to murmur weakly:
+
+"If she does that, I'm lost. We got to head her off somehow,
+Mr.--er--Bill."
+
+"I don't see how it can be managed. She has a perfect right to
+attend the pro--"
+
+"Wait a minute, Bill," broke in the other eagerly. "I got an idea.
+If you give her that roll of mine, maybe she'll stay away."
+
+"What roll are you talking about?"
+
+"My roll of bills,--you remember, don't you?"
+
+"My good man, I haven't got your roll of bills. And besides I
+couldn't put myself in the position of--of--er--what is it you call
+it?--tinkering with witnesses to defeat the ends of justice."
+
+"But she ain't a witness, Bill. You couldn't possibly get in wrong.
+What's more, it's my money, and I got a right to give it to my wife,
+ain't I? Ain't I got a right to give money to my own wife,--or to
+one of my wives, strictly speakin',--and to my own children? Ain't
+I?"
+
+"That isn't the point. I refuse to be a party to any such game. We
+need not discuss it any farther. As I said before, I haven't your
+roll of bills, and if I had it I--"
+
+"Oh, yes, you have. You got it right up there in your apartment. I
+stuck it away behind a--"
+
+"Stop! Not another word, Cassius. I don't want to know where it is.
+If you persist in telling me, I'll--I'll ask the judge to let you
+off with the lightest sentence he can--"
+
+"Oh, Lord, you WOULDN'T do that, would you?"
+
+"Yes, I would. What do you mean by secreting stolen property in my
+apartments?"
+
+"I didn't steal it. I found it, I tell you."
+
+"Bosh!"
+
+"Hope I may die if I didn't."
+
+"Well, it may stay there till it rots, so far as I am concerned."
+
+"No danger of that," said Smilk composedly. "A friend of mine is
+comin' around some night soon to get it. What else did she say?"
+
+"Eh?"
+
+"What else did my wife say?"
+
+"Oh! Well, among other things, she wondered if it would be possible
+to get an injunction against the court to prevent him from depriving
+her of her only means of support. She says everybody is getting
+injunctions these days and--"
+
+"Bosh!" said Smilk, but not with conviction. An anxious, inquiring
+gleam lurked in his eyes.
+
+Mr. Yollop continued:
+
+"I told her it was ridiculous,--and it is. Then she said she was
+going to see your lawyer and ask him to put her on the witness stand
+to testify that you are a good, loyal, hard-working husband and that
+your children ought to have a father's hand over them, and a lot
+more like that."
+
+"She tried that once before and the court wouldn't let her testify,"
+said Smilk. "But anyhow, I'll tell my lawyer to kick her out of the
+office if she comes around there offering to commit perjury."
+
+"I rather fancy she has considered that angle, Cassius. She says if
+she isn't allowed to testify, she's going to attempt suicide right
+there in the court-room."
+
+"By gum, she's a mean woman," groaned Smilk.
+
+"I'm obliged to agree with you," said Mr. Yollop, compressing his
+lips as a far-away look came into his eyes. "If I live to be a
+thousand years old, I'll never forget the way she talked to me when
+I finally succeeded in telling her I was busy and she would have to
+excuse me. It was something appalling."
+
+"Course. I suppose I got myself to blame," lamented Cassius
+ruefully. "I don't know how many times I come near to doin' it and
+didn't because I was so darned chicken-hearted."
+
+"I have decided, Cash, that you ought to go up for life,--or for
+thirty years, at least. So when I go on the stand I intend to do
+everything in my power to secure the maximum for you. At first, I
+was reluctant to aid you in your efforts to lead a life of ease and
+enjoyment but recent events have convinced me that you are entitled
+to all that the law can give you."
+
+"It won't do much good if she's to set there in the Courtroom,
+snivelling and lookin' heart-broke, with a pack of half-starved kids
+hangin' on to her. Like as not, she won't give 'em anything to eat
+for two or three days so's they'll look the part. I remember two of
+them kids fairly well. The Lord knows I used to take all kinds of
+risks to provide clothes and all sorts of luxuries for them,--and
+for her too. I used to give 'em bicycles and skates and gold
+watches,--yes, sir, we had Christmas regularly once a month. And she
+never was without fur neck-pieces and muffs and silk stockings and
+everything. The trouble with that woman is, she can't stand poverty.
+She just keeps on hopin' for the day to come when she can wear all
+sorts of finery and jewels again, even if I do have to go to the
+penitentiary for it. All this comes of bein' too good a provider,
+Bill. You spoil 'em."
+
+Mr. Yollop was thinking, so Cassius, after waiting a moment,
+scratched his head and ventured:
+
+"That guy's beginnin' to fidget, Bill. I guess your time's about up.
+What are you thinkin' about?"
+
+"I was thinking about your other wives. How many did you say you
+have?"
+
+"Three, all told. The other two don't bother me much."
+
+"Haven't you ever been divorced from any of them?"
+
+"Not especially. Why?"
+
+"Where do the other two live, and what are their names?"
+
+"Elsie Morton and Jennie Finch. I mean, those are their married
+names. I use a different alias every time I get married, you see.
+Course, my first wife,--the one you met,--her name is Smilk. I
+married her when I was young and not very smart. Elsie lives in
+Brooklyn and Jennie keeps a delicatessen up on the West Side."
+
+"Do they know where you are?"
+
+"I don't think so. I forgot to tell 'em I was out on parole last
+year."
+
+"And they have never been divorced from you?"
+
+"No. They couldn't prove anything on me as long as I was locked up
+in the penitentiary."
+
+"Does either one of them know about the other two?"
+
+"I should say not! What do you think I am?"
+
+"Don't lose your temper, Cassius. I am trying to think of some way
+to help you,--and I believe I see a ray of hope. You were regularly
+married to Elsie and Jennie,--I mean, by a minister, and so on?"
+
+"Sure. They both got their marriage certificates. I always believe
+in doin' things in the proper legal way. It's only fair and right.
+They--"
+
+"Never mind. Give me their addresses."
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER FIVE
+
+
+
+
+
+There were quite a number of people in the court room when the case
+of the State vs. Smilk was called. It was a bitterly cold day
+outside and considerable of an overflow from the corridors had
+seeped into the various court rooms. But little delay was
+experienced in obtaining a jury. The regular panel was stuck, with a
+few exceptions. Only one member was able to declare that he had
+formed an opinion, and he did not form it until after he had had a
+good look at the prisoner,--although he did not say so. Two were
+challenged by counsel and one got off because he admitted that he
+was acquainted with a man who used to be connected with the District
+Attorney's office,--he couldn't think of his name.
+
+Smilk's attorney succeeded in executing a very clever piece of
+strategy at the outset. No sooner had the jury been sworn than he
+ordered the bailiffs to crowd three or four more chairs alongside
+his table, and then blandly invited a considerable portion of the
+audience to take their seats inside the railing. The persons
+indicated included a tall, shabbily dressed woman and seven ragged,
+pinched children, ranging in years from twelve down to three.
+Immediately the prosecution fell into the trap. Two agitated
+Assistant District Attorneys jumped to their feet and barked out an
+objection to the presence of the accused's wife and family on the
+inside of the fence, and the court promptly sustained them. He also
+said some very sharp and caustic things to Smilk's lawyer. Mrs.
+Smilk and her bewildered seven patiently resumed their seats in the
+front row of spectators, but not until after a four year old girl,
+surreptitiously pinched, had caused a mild sensation by piping: "I
+want my daddy! I want my daddy!"
+
+Smilk cringed and it was quite apparent to close observers that he
+was having great difficulty in suppressing his emotions.
+
+The first witness for the prosecution was Crittenden Yollop,
+milliner, aged 44. A more thorough examination by the State would
+have disclosed the fact that he was six feet tall, spare, slightly
+bald, beardless, well-manicured, and faultlessly attired.
+
+"State your name and occupation, please," said the State's attorney,
+advancing a few paces toward the witness stand.
+
+"My name is Crittenden Yollop. I am in the millinery business."
+
+The State: "Where do you reside?"
+
+Yollop: "418 Sagamore Terrace."
+
+The State: "In an apartment?"
+
+Yollop: "A little louder, if you please."
+
+The State, raising its voice: "Repeat the question, Mr.
+Stenographer."
+
+Stenographer, leaning forward a little: "'In an apartment?'"
+
+Yollop: "Yes."
+
+The State: "Were you living in this apartment on the 18th of
+December, 1919?"
+
+Yollop: "I was."
+
+The State: "Was that apartment entered by a burglar on the date
+mentioned?"
+
+Yollop: "It was."
+
+The State, casually: "Will you be so good as to glance around the
+court room and state whether you see and recognize the man who
+entered and robbed your apartment?"
+
+Yollop, pointing: "Yes. That is the man."
+
+The State: "You are sure about that?"
+
+Yollop: "I beg pardon?"
+
+The State, patiently: "Repeat the question, Mr. Stenographer."
+
+Stenographer, patiently: "'You are sure about that?'"
+
+Yollop: "Certainly."
+
+The State: "Now, Mr. Yollop, I'm going to ask you to tell the jury,
+in your own words, exactly what occurred in your apartment on the
+morning of December 18th. Speak slowly and distinctly, and face the
+jury."
+
+Mr. Yollop, assisted to some extent by the gentleman conducting the
+examination, related the story of the crime, dwelling with special
+earnestness upon the dastardly, brutal manner in which Smilk forced
+him, at the point of a revolver to bind and gag and otherwise
+maltreat the woman who had befriended him and whose jewels he was
+preparing to make off with when the police arrived. He carefully
+avoided any allusion to certain portions of the lengthy and
+illuminating dialogue that had taken place between him and Smilk; he
+said nothing of the unexampled behavior of the intruder in
+telephoning for the police, or the kindness revealed by him in
+suggesting a means for getting his captor's feet warm.
+
+Smilk's lawyer, at the very outset of the cross-examination,
+clarified the air as to the nature of the defense he was going to
+put up for his client. After a few preliminary questions, he
+demanded sharply:
+
+"Now, Mr. Yollop, didn't this defendant state to you that he had
+been unable to get work and that his wife and family were in such
+desperate straits that he was forced to commit a crime against the
+State in order to preserve them from actual starvation?"
+
+Yollop: "He did not."
+
+Counsel: "You are quite positive about that, are you?"
+
+Yollop: "Yes."
+
+Counsel: "Did he, at the time appear to be a robust,
+well-conditioned man,--that is to say, a man who looked strong
+enough to work and who had had sufficient nourishment to keep his
+body and soul together?"
+
+Yollop: "He certainly did."
+
+Counsel: "A big, rugged, healthy, desperate fellow, you would say?"
+
+Yollop: "Yes."
+
+Counsel: "Armed with a loaded revolver?"
+
+Yollop: "Yes."
+
+Counsel: "You would say that he was big enough and strong enough to
+pull a trigger, wouldn't you?"
+
+Yollop: "I can't answer that question. I don't know how much
+strength it requires to pull a trigger."
+
+Counsel: "Ahem! At any rate, he looked as though he was strong
+enough to pull a trigger?"
+
+Yollop: "I dare say he could have pulled it."
+
+Counsel: "And yet you would have the jury believe that this big,
+strong, well-nourished man, permitted you--By the by, how much do
+you weigh, Mr. Yollop!"
+
+Yollop: "About 145 pounds, in my clothes."
+
+Counsel: "You are six feet tall, I should say?"
+
+Yollop: "Lacking a quarter of an inch."
+
+Counsel: "Ahem! As I was saying, this strong, desperate man, armed
+with a revolver, allowed you to walk across the room and strike him
+in the face, causing him to crumple up and fall to the floor as if
+struck by a--well, someone like Jack Dempsey. Isn't that so?"
+
+Yollop: "I never was so surprised in my life."
+
+Counsel, thunderously: "Answer my question!"
+
+Yollop: "Well, I hit him and he fell."
+
+Counsel: "Do you regard yourself as an experienced boxer?"
+
+Yollop: "No, I don't."
+
+Counsel: "Are you what may be termed a powerful man, able to strike
+a powerful blow with the fist?"
+
+Yollop: "I don't know. The defendant can answer that question better
+than I can."
+
+Counsel, to the court: "Your honor, I appeal to you to direct this
+witness to answer my questions--"
+
+The Court: "Confine your answers to the questions as they are put to
+you, Mr. Witness."
+
+Counsel to Yollop: "Now see if you can answer this question, Mr.
+Yollop. You have described in direct examination that this defendant
+was a big, burly, rough looking man. You say you were surprised when
+he went down under your inexpert blow. Why were you surprised?"
+
+Yollop: "I was surprised to find how easy it is to knock a man
+down."
+
+Counsel. "I see. You had never knocked a man down before. Is that
+so?"
+
+Yollop: "I had never even struck a man before."
+
+Counsel: "And yet you found it singularly easy to deliver a blow on
+the jaw of an armed man with sufficient force to knock him down?"
+
+Yollop: "I can only answer that question by saying that he went down
+when I struck him. I don't know how hard or how easy it is to knock
+a man down."
+
+Counsel: "But you admit you were surprised?"
+
+Yollop: "Yes. I was surprised."
+
+Counsel, shaking his finger and speaking with something like
+malevolence in his voice and manner: "Don't you know, Mr. Yollop,
+that this man was so exhausted from lack of food that he was not
+only unable to defend himself from your assault but that the weakest
+blow--or even a gentle push with the open hand,--would have sent him
+sprawling?"
+
+Yollop: "I don't know anything about that."
+
+Counsel: "Wasn't he so weak that he could hardly walk across the
+room after he arose?"
+
+Yollop: "Possibly. He was not too weak, however, to climb up two
+floors on a fire escape and pry open my window before I,--"
+
+Counsel: "Now,--now,--now! Please answer my question?"
+
+Yollop: "He complained of being dizzy. He held his hand to his jaw.
+That's all I can say."
+
+Counsel: "You were pointing the revolver at him all the time, you
+have testified. Is that true?"
+
+Yollop: "Yes."
+
+Counsel: "If he had made an attempt to attack you, you would have
+shot him, wouldn't you?"
+
+Yollop: "I would have shot AT him, I suppose."
+
+Counsel, slowly, distinctly, dramatically: "In other words, you
+would have been strong enough to do the thing that he was unable to
+do,--pull a trigger."
+
+Yollop: "I haven't said he was unable to pull a trigger."
+
+Counsel: "Answer my question!"
+
+The State, bouncing up: "We object to this question. It calls for a
+conclusion on the part of the witness that--"
+
+The Court: "Objection sustained."
+
+Counsel, glaring: "Exception." Then, after mopping his brow and
+consulting his notes: "Now, Mr. Yollop, you say you conversed with
+this defendant at some length while waiting for the police to
+arrive. Have you any recollection of this defendant telling you that
+he was driven to theft because he had been out of work for nearly
+three months?"
+
+Yollop: "No."
+
+Counsel: "Didn't he say something of the kind to you?"
+
+Yollop: "He didn't say he had been out of WORK for three months."
+
+Counsel, patiently: "Well, what did he say?"
+
+Yollop: "He said he had been out of jail for three months."
+
+Counsel, suddenly referring to his notes again: "Er--ahem!--By the
+way, Mr. Yollop, you don't hear very well, do you?"
+
+Yollop: "I am quite deaf."
+
+Counsel: "He might have said a great many things that you failed to
+hear,--especially if his voice was weak?"
+
+Yollop: "I dare say he did."
+
+Counsel, lifting his eyebrows significantly and nodding his head:
+"Ah-h-h! Didn't he tell you that he had a wife and several
+children?"
+
+Yollop: "I don't recall that he said anything about several
+children. He said he had several wives."
+
+Counsel, startled: "What's that?"
+
+A bailiff, harshly addressing a woman in the front row of
+spectators: "Order! Order!"
+
+The Woman in the front row: "The dirty liar!"
+
+The State, sticking its hands in its pockets and strutting to and
+fro, smiling loftily: "Repeat the answer for the gentleman, Mr.
+Reporter."
+
+Counsel: "Never mind,--never mind. I move that the answer be
+stricken out, your honor, and that you instruct the jury to
+disregard the supposedly facetious reply of the witness."
+
+The Court, to Mr. Yollop: "Did this defendant say to you that he had
+several wives?"
+
+Yollop, looking blandly at the jury until convinced by twelve
+expressions and the direction in which twenty four eyes were gazing
+that the court had spoken: "I beg pardon, your honor. Were you
+speaking to me?"
+
+The Court, raising his voice: "Did he tell you that he had several
+wives?"
+
+Yollop: "He did."
+
+The Court: "Motion overruled. Proceed."
+
+Counsel: "Exception. Now, Mr.--"
+
+Child in the front row, still gazing intently at a very baldheaded
+man on the opposite side of the aisle: "I want my daddy! I want--"
+
+The Court: "You must remove that child from the court room, madam.
+Officer, see that that child is removed. Remove all of them. You may
+remain here, madam, if you choose to do so, but the court cannot
+allow this trial to be--"
+
+The Woman in the front row: "Please, your honor, if you will let me
+keep them here I'll promise to--"
+
+The Court: "Officer, remove those children at once."
+
+The Woman: "And what's more, he tells a dirty lie when he says--"
+
+The Court: "Silence! You will have to leave the room also, madam.
+This is outrageous. Officer!"
+
+The State, magnanimously: "May it please the court, the State has
+not the slightest objection to the lady and her children remaining
+in the court room, provided they do not interrupt these proceedings
+again."
+
+The Court, melting a little: "Do you think you can keep those
+children quiet, madam, and refrain from audible comments yourself?"
+
+The Woman: "Yes, sir. I'm sure I can."
+
+The Court: "It is not my desire to be harsh with you, madam, but if
+this occurs again I shall have you ejected from the room. Proceed."
+
+Counsel: "Now, Mr. Yollop, you have testified that you bound and
+gagged your sister at the direction and command of this defendant
+and that he rifled the apartment at will, keeping you covered with a
+revolver. You also have stated that you laid the pistol on the desk,
+within his reach, when you believed the police to be at the door.
+Why, did you do that?"
+
+Yollop: "Because I did not think that I needed it any longer."
+
+Counsel, sarcastically: "Oho! so that was the reason, eh?"
+
+Yollop: "Well, I was glad to be rid of it. I was dreading all the
+time that it might go off accidentally. They frequently do."
+
+Counsel: "I see. Now, isn't it a fact, Mr. Yollop, that you laid the
+revolver down to go to the assistance of this defendant who was in a
+fainting condition?"
+
+Yollop: "No, it isn't. He was all right."
+
+Counsel: "Don't you know that you laid it down because you were
+convinced in you own mind that he was physically unable to take
+advantage of it? That he was in no condition to use it?"
+
+Yollop: "No."
+
+Counsel, with a pitying look at the jury: "He was still the big,
+strong, able-bodied man that you had knocked down with your brawny
+fist, eh?"
+
+Yollop, mildly: "He may have been a little sleepy. I was."
+
+A Bailiff: "Order! ORDER!"
+
+Counsel, severely: "Now, Mr. Yollop, will you tell this jury why,
+after you had found it so simple to knock the defendant down and
+disarm him earlier in the evening, you failed to repeat the
+experiment when he had you covered the second time?"
+
+Yollop: "The first time I acted on the spur of the moment, and under
+stress of great excitement. I had had time to collect my wits by the
+time he gained possession of the revolver. I wasn't as foolhardy as
+I was at the beginning. I was afraid he would shoot me if I tackled
+him again."
+
+Counsel: "Isn't it a fact that he appeared much stronger and not so
+weak and listless as when you first encountered him?"
+
+Yollop: "I didn't notice any change in him."
+
+Counsel: "Didn't you testify awhile ago that while he was sitting at
+your desk, under cover of the gun, he ate a whole box of chocolate
+creams,--at your generous invitation?"
+
+Yollop: "Yes. He ate them, all right."
+
+Counsel: "Wouldn't you, as an intelligent man, assume that a pound
+of chocolates might have the effect of restoring to a half-starved
+man a portion of his waning strength,--at least a sufficient amount
+to encourage him to put up some kind of a fight against you?"
+
+The State: "We object. The question calls for a conclusion on the
+part of the witness, who does not even pretend to be an expert or an
+authority on pathological--"
+
+Counsel: "But he DOES pretend to be an intelligent man, doesn't he?
+I submit, your honor, that the question is proper and I--"
+
+The Court: "Objection sustained. The witness may state that the
+defendant ate a box of chocolate creams. He cannot give an opinion
+as to the effect the chocolates may or may not have had on him."
+
+Counsel: "Exception."
+
+Mr. Yollop was on the stand for half an hour longer. Counsel for the
+defense was driving home to the jury the impression that Smilk was a
+poor, half-starved wretch who had gone back to thieving after a
+valiant but hopeless attempt to find work in order to support his
+wife and children. He announced, in arguing an objection made by the
+State, that it was his intention to prove by the man's wife that
+Smilk was a good husband and was willing to work his fingers off for
+his family, but that he had been ill and unable to find steady
+employment.
+
+Mrs. Champney testified at the afternoon session. She made a most
+unfavorable impression on the jury. She got very angry at Smilk's
+counsel and said such spiteful things to him and about his client
+that the jury began to feel sorry for both of them.
+
+Two detectives and three policemen in uniform testified that Smilk
+was the picture of health and a desperate-looking character. Now
+anybody who has ever served on a jury in a criminal case knows the
+effect that the testimony of a police officer has on three fourths--
+and frequently four fourths,--of the jurors. For some
+unexplained,--though perhaps obvious reason,--the ordinary juror not
+only hates a policeman but refuses to believe him on oath unless he
+is supported by evidence of the most unassailable nature. The mere
+fact that the five officers swore that Smilk was healthy and rugged
+no doubt went a long way toward convincing the jury that the poor
+fellow was a physical wreck and absolutely unable to defend himself
+on the night of the alleged burglary.
+
+Moreover, a skilled mind-reader would have discovered that Mr.
+Yollop had not made a good impression on the jury. Almost to a man,
+they discredited him because he was fastidious in appearance;
+because he was known to be a successful and prosperous business man;
+because he was trying to make them believe that he possessed the
+unheard-of courage to tackle an armed burglar; and because he was a
+milliner. As for Mrs. Champney, she was the embodiment of all that
+the average citizen resents: a combination of wealth, refinement,
+intelligence, arrogance and widowhood. Especially does he resent
+opulent widowhood.
+
+The State rested. Mrs. Smilk was the first witness called by the
+defense. She told a harrowing tale of Smilk's unparalleled efforts
+to obtain work; of his heart-breaking disappointments; of her own
+loyal and cheerful struggle to provide for the children,--and for
+her poor sick husband,--by slaving herself almost to death at all
+sorts of jobs. Futhermore, she was positive that poor Cassius had
+reformed, that he was determined to lead an honest, upright life;
+all he needed was encouragement and the opportunity to show his
+worth. True, he had been in State's Prison twice, but in both
+instances it was the result of strong drink. Now that prohibition
+had come and he could no longer be subjected to the evils and
+temptations of that accursed thing generically known as rum, he was
+sure to be a model citizen and husband. In fact, she declared, a
+friend of the family,--a man very high up in city politics,--had
+promised to secure for Cassius an appointment as an enforcement
+officer in the great war that was being waged against prohibition.
+This seemed to make such a hit with the jury that Smilk's lawyer
+shrewdly decided not to press her to alter the preposition.
+
+The cross-examination was brief.
+
+The State: "How many children have you, Mrs. Smilk?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk: "Seven."
+
+The State: "The defendant is the father of all of them?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk, with dignity: "Are you tryin' to insinuate that he
+ain't?"
+
+The State: "Not at all. Answer the question, please."
+
+Mrs. Smilk: "Yes, he is."
+
+The State: "When did you say you were married to the defendant?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk: "October, 1906. I got my certificate here with me, if
+you want to see it."
+
+The State: "I would like to see it."
+
+Counsel for Smilk, benignly: "The defense has no objection."
+
+The State, after examining the document: "It is quite regular. With
+the court's permission, I will submit the document to the jury."
+
+The Court, to Smilk's counsel: "Do you desire to offer this document
+in evidence?"
+
+Counsel: "It had not occurred to us that it was necessary, but now
+that a point is being made of it, I will ask that it be introduced
+as evidence."
+
+The State, passing the certificate to the court reporter for his
+identification mark: "You have never been divorced from the
+defendant, have you, Mrs. Smilk?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk: "Of course not." Then nervously: "Excuse me, but do I
+get my marriage certificate back? It's the only hold I got on--"
+
+Counsel, hastily: "Certainly, certainly, Mrs. Smilk. You need have
+no worry. It will be returned to you in due time."
+
+The State, after reading the certificate aloud, hands it to the
+foreman, and says: "The State admits the validity of this
+certificate. There can be no question about it." Leans against the
+table and patiently waits until the document has made the rounds.
+"Now, Mrs. Similk, you are sure that you have not been divorced from
+Smilk nor he from you?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk, stoutly; "Course I'm sure."
+
+The State: "You heard Mr. Yollop testify that your husband said he
+had several wives. So far as you know that is not the case?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk. "I don't think he ever said it to Mr. Yollop. I think
+Mr. Yollop lied."
+
+The State: "I see. Then you do not believe your husband could have
+deceived you--I withdraw that, Mr. Reporter. You do not believe
+that your husband is base enough to have married another woman,--or
+women,--without first having obtained a legal divorce from you?"
+
+Mrs. Smilk: "I wouldn't be up here testifying in his behalf if I
+thought that, you bet. He ain't that kind of a man. If I thought he
+was, I'd like to see him hung. I'd like to see--"
+
+The State. "Never mind, Mrs. Smilk. We are not trying your husband
+for bigamy. I think that is all, your honor."
+
+Counsel for Smilk: "You may be excused, Mrs. Smilk. Take the stand,
+Cassius."
+
+Instead of obeying Cassius beckoned to him. Then followed a long,
+whispered conference between lawyer and client, at the end of which
+the former, visibly annoyed, declared that the defendant had decided
+not to testify. The Court indicated that it was optional with the
+prisoner and asked if the counsel desired to introduce any further
+testimony. Counsel for the defense announced that his client's
+decision had altered his plans and that he was forced to rest his
+case. The Assistant District Attorney stated that he had two
+witnesses to examine in rebuttal.
+
+"Send for Mrs. Elsie Morton," he directed. "She is waiting in the
+District Attorney's office, Mr. Bailiff."
+
+To the amazement of every one, Cassius Smilk started up from his
+chair, a wild look in his eye. He sat down instantly, however, but
+it was evident that he had sustained a tremendous and unexpected
+shock. Mr. Yollop who had purposely selected a seat in the front row
+of spectators from which he could occasionally exchange mutual
+glances of well-assumed repugnance with the rascal, caught Smilk's
+eye as it followed the retiring bailiff. The faintest shadow of a
+wink flickered for a second across that smileless, apparently
+troubled optic. Mr. Yollop, who had been leaning forward in his
+chair for the better part of the afternoon with one hand cupped
+behind his ear and the other manipulating the disc in a vain but
+determined effort to hear what was going on, suddenly relaxed into a
+comfortable, satisfied attitude and smiled triumphantly. He knew
+what was coming. And so did Smilk.
+
+Mrs. Morton was a plump, bobbed-hair blond of thirty. She had moist
+carmine lips, a very white nose, strawberry-hued cheek bones, an
+alabaster chin and forehead, and pale, gray eyes surrounded by
+blue-black rims tinged with crimson. She wore a fashionable
+hat,--(Mr. Yollop noticed that at a glance)--a handsome greenish
+cloth coat with a broad moleskin collar and cuffs of the same fur,
+pearl gray stockings that were visible to the knees, and high gray
+shoes that yawned rather shamelessly at the top despite the wearer's
+doughtiest struggle with the laces. Her gloves, also were somewhat
+over-crowded. She gave her name as Mrs. Elsie Broderick Morton,
+married; occupation, ticket seller in a motion picture theater.
+
+The State: "What is your husband's name and occupation?"
+
+Witness: "Filbert Morton. So far as I know, he never had a regular
+occupation."
+
+The State: "When were you and Filbert Morton married?"
+
+Witness: "June the fourteenth, 1916."
+
+The State: "Are you living with your husband at present?"
+
+Witness: "I am not."
+
+The State: "Have you ever been divorced from him?"
+
+Witness: "I have not."
+
+The State: "How long is it since you and he lived together?"
+
+Witness: "A little over three years."
+
+The State: "Would you recognize him if you were to see him now?"
+
+Witness: "I certainly would."
+
+The State: "When did you see him last?"
+
+Witness: "Day before yesterday."
+
+The State: "Tell the jury where you saw him."
+
+Witness: "Over in the Tombs."
+
+The State: "Surreptitiously?"
+
+Witness: "No, sir. With my own eyes."
+
+The State: "I mean, you saw him without his being aware of the fact
+that you were looking at him for the purpose of identification?"
+
+Witness. "Yes, sir."
+
+The State: "I will now ask you to look about this court room and
+tell the jury whether you see the man known to you as Filbert
+Morton?"
+
+Witness, pointing to Smilk: "That's him over there."
+
+The State: "You mean the prisoner at the bar, otherwise known as
+Cassius Smilk?"
+
+Witness. "Yes, sir. That's my husband."
+
+The State: "You are sure about that?"
+
+Witness: "Of course, I am. I wouldn't be likely to make any mistake
+about a man I'd lived with for nearly six months, would I? I've got
+my marriage certificate here with me, if you want to see it."
+
+Mrs. Smilk, in the first row, venomously addressing Mr. Smilk: "So
+that's what you was up to when you was out for six months and never
+come near me once, you dirty--"
+
+All bailiffs in unison: "Silence! Order in the court!"
+
+The State, presently: "Was he a good, kind, devoted husband to you,
+Mrs. Morton?"
+
+Witness: "Well, if you mean did he provide me with clothes and
+jewels and gewgaws and all such, yes. He was always bringing me home
+rings and bracelets and necklaces and things. But if you mean did he
+ever give me any money to buy food with and keep the flat going, no.
+I slaved my head off to get grub for him all the time we were living
+together."
+
+The State: "Did he ever mistreat you?"
+
+Witness: "Oh, once in a while he used to give me a rap in the eye,
+or a kick in the slats, or something like that, but on the whole he
+was pretty sensible."
+
+The State: "Sensible? In what way?"
+
+Witness: "I mean he was sensible enough not to punch his meal ticket
+too often."
+
+It is not necessary to go any farther into the direct examination of
+Mrs. Elsie Morton, nor into the half-hearted efforts of Smilk's
+disgusted lawyer to shake her in cross-examination. Nor is it
+necessary to introduce here the testimony of Mrs. Jennie Finchley,
+who succeeded her on the stand. It appears that Jennie was married
+in 1914 when Smilk was out for three months. She supported him for
+several months in 1916,--up to the time he packed up and left her on
+the morning of the fourteenth of June, that year. As Herbert
+Finchley he not only managed to live comfortably off the proceeds of
+her delicatessen, but in leaving her he took with him nine hundred
+dollars that she had saved out of the business despite his
+gormandizing.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER SIX
+
+
+
+
+
+Despite the fact that the jury was out just a few minutes short of
+seven hours, it finally came in with a verdict "guilty as charged."
+Twice the devoted twelve returned to the court room for further
+instructions from the judge. Once they wanted to know if it was
+possible to convict the prisoner for bigamy instead of burglary, and
+the other time it was to have certain portions of Mr. Yollop's
+testimony read to them. Immediately upon retiring an amicable and
+friendly discussion took place in the crowded, stuffy little jury
+room. Eight men lighted black cigars, two lighted their pipes, one
+joyously, almost ravenously resorted to a package of "Lucky
+Strikes," while the twelfth man announced that he did not smoke. He
+had been obliged to give it up because of blood pressure or
+something like that.
+
+The foreman, or Juror No. 1, was an insurance agent. He was a man of
+fifty and he knew how to talk. His voice was loud, firm, overriding
+and unconquerable; his manner suave, tolerant, persuasive. The
+bailiff, after obtaining each man's telephone number and the message
+he wished to have sent to his home (if any), informed the jurors
+that he would be waiting just outside if they wanted him and then
+departed, locking the door behind him; whereupon the foreman looked
+at his watch and announced that it was twenty minutes to four. This
+statement resulted in the first disagreement. No two watches were
+alike. Some little time was consumed in proving that all twelve of
+them were right and at the same time wrong, paradoxical as it may
+sound. After the question of the hour had been disposed of, the
+foreman suggested that an informal ballot be taken for the purpose
+of ascertaining the views of the gentlemen as to the guilt or the
+innocence of the defendant. The result of this so-called informal
+ballot was nine for conviction, three for acquittal.
+
+"Now we know where we stand," explained the foreman. "In view of the
+fact that nine of us are for conviction and only three for acquittal
+it seems to me that it is up to the minority to give their reasons
+for not agreeing with the majority. I see by your ballot, Mr.--er
+--Mr. Sandusky, that you are in favor of acquitting--"
+
+"My name is I. M. Pushkin," interrupted Juror No. 7. "I wrote it
+plain enough, didn't I?"
+
+"The initials confused me," explained the foreman. "Well, let's hear
+why you think he ought to be acquitted."
+
+"I know what it is to be hungry, that's why. I see the time when I
+first come to this country when I didn't have nothing to eat for
+two-three days at a time, and ever'body tellin' me to go to hell out
+of here when I ask for a job or when I tell 'em I ain't had nothing
+to eat since yesterday morning and won't they please to help a poor
+feller what ain't had nothing to eat since yesterday morning, and--"
+
+Six or seven voices interrupted him. It was Juror No. 4, salesman,
+who finally succeeded in getting a detached question to him.
+
+"As I was saying, where do you get any evidence that he WAS hungry?"
+
+"I guess you wasn't paying much attention to the evidence," retorted
+Mr. Pushkin. "Didn't you hear that lawyer say, over and over yet,
+how he was almost starved to death? Didn't--Wait a minute!--didn't
+you hear him say to that deaf witness that the prisoner fell down
+like a log when he push him in the face? Just push him,--nothing
+else. Didn't you hear that?"
+
+"Sure I heard it. We all heard it. But what EVIDENCE is there?"
+
+"Evidence? My gracious, ain't that enough? Ain't one man's word as
+good as another's? And say, let me ask you this: Is there any
+evidence that he wasn't almost starved to death! Well! Humph! I
+guess not. There ain't a single witness that says he wasn't hungry--
+not one, I tell you. You can't--"
+
+"Didn't all them policemen swear that he was as husky as--"
+
+"Say, you can't believe a policeman about anything. It's their
+business. That's what their job is. I know all about those fellers.
+Why, long time ago when I first come to this country, I told a
+hundred policeman I was almost starved to death and say, do you
+think they believed me? You bet they didn't. They told me to get a
+move on, get the hell out of this, beat it,--you bet I know all
+about them fellers. I--"
+
+The foreman interrupted Mr. Pushkin.
+
+"So you want to acquit the defendant because his lawyer said he was
+hungry,--is that it?"
+
+"I don't blame nobody for stealing when he is almost starved to
+death and got a wife and children almost starved to death too
+because he cannot get a job yet. You bet I don't. I don't--"
+
+"Well, of all the damned--"
+
+"Can you beat this for--"
+
+"I've heard a lot of--"
+
+The foreman rapped vigorously with an inkwell, splashing the fluid
+over his fingers and quite a considerable area of table-top.
+
+"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Let us talk this thing over quietly and
+calmly. Mr. Pushkin seems to have a wrong conception as to what
+constitutes evidence. Now, let me have the floor for a few minutes,
+and I'll try to explain to him what constitutes evidence."
+
+One hour and twenty minutes later Mr. Pushkin admitted that he DID
+have a wrong conception as to what constitutes evidence, but still
+maintained that he hated like sin to convict a man who had tried so
+hard to get work and couldn't.
+
+The non-smoking gentleman was one of the three who comprised the
+minority. He was a mild little chap with weak eyes and the sniffles.
+By profession he was a clock maker. He said he believed that the
+defendant was unquestionably guilty of bigamy and that the State had
+erred in charging him with burglary. He was perfectly willing to
+send the man up for bigamy because, according to the evidence, it
+took precedence over the crime alleged to have been committed in
+December, 1919. In other words, he explained, Smilk had committed
+bigamy some years prior to the burglary of Mr. Yollop's apartment
+and he believed in taking things in their regular order. Of course,
+he went on to say, he would be governed by the opinion of the judge
+if it were possible under the circumstances to obtain it. He did not
+think it would be legal to put the burglary charge ahead of the
+bigamy charge, but if the judge so ordered he would submit,
+notwithstanding his conviction that it would be unconstitutional.
+Several gentlemen wanted to know what the constitution had to do
+with it, and he, becoming somewhat exasperated, declared that the
+present jury system is a joke, an absolute joke.
+
+"Well, it's just such men as you that make it a joke," growled Juror
+No. 12.
+
+"Gentlemen! Gentlemen!" admonished the foreman. "Let us have no
+recriminations, please. It occurs to me that we ought to send a note
+to the court, asking for instructions on this point."
+
+The note was written and despatched in care of the glowering
+bailiff, who, it seems, had an engagement to go to the movies that
+evening and couldn't believe his ears when he ascertained that the
+boobs had not yet agreed upon a verdict in what he regarded as the
+clearest case that had ever come under his notice.
+
+In the meantime, the third juror explained his vote for acquittal.
+He was a large, heavy-jowled man with sandy mustache and a vacancy
+among his upper teeth into which a pipe-stem fitted neatly. He was
+the superintendent of an apartment building in Lenox Avenue.
+
+"I think it's a frame-up," he said, pausing to use the bicuspid
+vacancy for the purpose of expectoration. "That's what I think it
+is. Now I'm in a position as superintendent of a flat building to
+know a lot about what goes on among the bachelor tenants. I ain't
+sayin' that the prisoner didn't go to Mr. What's-His-Name's flat
+without an invitation. You bet your life he wasn't expected, if my
+guess is correct. I tell you what I think,--and my opinion ought to
+be worth a lot, lemme tell you,--I think there's something back of
+all this that wasn't brought out in the trial. Now here's something
+I bet not one of you fellers has thought about. What evidence is
+there that this Chancy woman is that deaf man's sister? Not a blamed
+word of evidence, except their own statement. She ain't his sister
+any more than I am. Did you ever see two people that looked less
+like they was related to each other? You bet you didn't. Now I got a
+hunch that the prisoner follered her to that guy's apartment. What
+for, I don't know. Maybe for blackmail. He got onto what was goin'
+on, and makes up his mind to rake in a nice bunch of hush-money.
+That's been done a couple of times in the apartment buildin' I'm
+superintendent of. A feller I had workin' for me as a porter cleaned
+up five or six hundred dollars that way, he told me. This robbery
+business sounds mighty fishy to me. Now I'm only tellin' you the way
+the thing looks to me. I don't think that woman is Wollop's sister
+any more than she is mine. It's a frame-up, the whole thing is. Look
+at the way this Wollop says he tied her up and all that.
+Humph!--Can't you fellers see through this whole business? He tied
+her up so's the police would find her tied up, that's what he done.
+The chances are she's some woman customer of his that's got stuck on
+him, tryin' hats and all that,--and maybe gettin' all the hats she
+wants for nothin',--and this feller Smilk he gets onto the game and
+goes out for a little money. See what I mean?"
+
+So loud and so furious was the discussion that followed the
+extraordinary deductions of Juror No. 9, that the bailiff had to rap
+half a dozen times before he could make himself heard. Finally the
+foreman, purple in the face, called out through the haze of smoke:
+
+"Come in!"
+
+"The judge says for you to come into the court room for
+instructions," announced the officer. "Never mind your hats and
+coats. No cigars, gents. Leave 'em here. They'll be safe. Come on,
+now. It's nearly time to go to supper."
+
+The judge informed the jury that they could not find the man guilty
+of bigamy and curtly ordered them back to their room for further
+deliberation. They took another ballot before going out to supper at
+a nearby restaurant, guarded by six bailiffs, who warned them not to
+discuss the case while outside the jury room. The second ballot, by
+the way, was eight for conviction, four for acquittal. Juror No. 5
+had come over to the minority. He said there was something in the
+theory of Juror No. 9.
+
+There was a very positive disagreement concerning the meal they were
+about to partake of. The foreman spoke of it as dinner and was
+openly sneered at by eleven gentlemen who had never called it
+anything but supper. The little clockmaker, having been overruled by
+the judge, was in a nasty temper. He accused the foreman of being a
+republican. He said no democrat ever called it dinner. It wasn't
+democratic.
+
+Upon their return to the jury room after a meal on which there was
+complete agreement and which brought out considerable talk about the
+penuriousness of the County of New York, they settled down to a
+prolonged and profound discussion of their differences. It soon
+developed that all but two of the jurors had been favorably inclined
+toward the defendant up to the time the State introduced the
+unexpected wives. They had regarded him as a poor unfortunate,
+driven to crime by adversity, and after a fashion the victim of an
+arrogant and soulless police system, aided and abetted by the
+District Attorney's minions, a contemptible robber in the person of
+a dealer in women's hats, and a bejeweled snob who insulted their
+intelligence by trying to convince them that her confidence had been
+misplaced. But the two wives settled it. Smilk was a rascal. He
+ought to be hung.
+
+"But," argued No. 9, "how the devil do we know that them women ARE
+his wives. Their evidence ain't supported, is it?"
+
+"Didn't they have certificates?" demanded another hotly.
+
+"Sure. But that don't prove that he was the man, does it?"
+
+"And didn't the prisoner jump up and yell: 'My God, it's all off!
+You've got me cold! You've got me dead to rights,'" cried another.
+
+"Oh, there's no use arguin' with you guys," roared No. 9,
+disgustedly.
+
+Later on they returned to the court room to have certain parts of
+Mr. Yollop's testimony read to them. After this a ballot was taken,
+and the only man for acquittal was the clock-maker. At twenty
+minutes to eleven he succumbed, not to argument or persuasion or
+reason but to a chill February draft that blew in through the open
+window above his head. He couldn't get away from it. The others
+wouldn't let him. They got him up in a corner and he couldn't break
+through. He told them he was getting pneumonia, that the draft would
+be the death of him, that he'd take back what he said about the
+smoke almost suffocating him,--still they surrounded him, and argued
+with him, and called him things he didn't feel physically able to
+call them, and at last he voted guilty.
+
+Smilk, haggard with worry,--for he had come to think, as the hours
+went by without a verdict, that there would be a disagreement or,
+worse than that, an acquittal, in which case he would have to face
+the charge of bigamy that the district attorney had more than
+intimated,--Smilk slouched dejectedly into the court room a few
+minutes before eleven o'clock and went through the familiar process
+of facing the jury while the jury faced him. He straightened up
+eagerly when the verdict was read. He took a long, deep breath. His
+eyes brightened,--they almost twinkled,--as they searched the room
+in quest of Mr. Yollop. He was disappointed to find that the gentle
+milliner was not there to hear the good news.
+
+The judge sentenced him to twenty years imprisonment at hard labor,
+and he went back to his cell in the Tombs, a triumphant, vindicated
+champion of the laws of his State, a doughty warrior carrying the
+banner of justice up to the very guns of sentiment.
+
+Mr. Yollop received a friendly letter from him some two months after
+his return to Sing Sing. He found it early one morning on his
+library table, sealed but minus the stamp that the government exacts
+for safe and conscientious delivery. Mr. Yollop's stenographer,
+being more or less finicky about English as it should be written,
+even by thieves, is responsible for the transcript in which it is
+here presented:
+
+DEAR FRIEND--
+
+I hope this finds you in the best of health. I am back on the job
+and very glad to be so. It is very gay up here and I am getting fat
+also. Regular hours is doing it, and no worry I suppose. I wish to
+inform you that the movies have improved considerable since I was
+here before and our baseball team is much better. Also the concerts
+and so on. Grub also up to standard. I never eat better grub at the
+Ritz-Carlton. Which is no lie either. Well, Mr. Yollop, before
+closing I want to say you done me a mighty good turn when you
+thought of them two wives of mine. If it had not been for them two
+women I guess it would have been all off with me. I wish you would
+drop in here to see me if you are ever up this way so as I can thank
+you in person. Which reminds me. There is some talk among the boys
+that a movement is on foot to have a regular fancy dress ball up
+here once a month. Some kind of a benevolent society is working on
+it they say. Big orchestra, eats from Delmonico's and a crowd of
+girls from the smart set to dance with us. So as we won't get out of
+practice, I suppose. Soon as I hear when the first dance is to be I
+will let you know and maybe you will come up to be present. I will
+introduce you to a lot of swell dames and maybe you can drum up a
+nice trade among them on account of their all being fashionable and
+needing a good many hats. It must be great to be in a business like
+yours, where nobody cares how many times you rob them just so you
+leave them enough money to buy shoes with, because if you ask me
+they ain't wearing much of anything but hats and shoes these days.
+Well, I guess I will close, Mr. Yollop. With kind regards from yours
+truly, I remain
+
+Yours truly, C. SMILK.
+
+P. S.--I forgot to mention that this letter was left in your library
+by a pal of mine who dropped in last night while you was asleep,
+unless he got nabbed like a darned fool before he got a chance to do
+this friendly little errand for me. He dropped in to get that wad of
+bills I left there some time ago. If you get this letter he got the
+roll.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Yollop, by George Barr McCutcheon
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YOLLOP ***
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