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If you - don't derive profits, no royalty is due. Royalties are - payable to "Project Gutenberg Association / Benedictine - University" within the 60 days following each - date you prepare (or were legally required to prepare) - your annual (or equivalent periodic) tax return. - -WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO? -The Project gratefully accepts contributions in money, time, -scanning machines, OCR software, public domain etexts, royalty -free copyright licenses, and every other sort of contribution -you can think of. Money should be paid to "Project Gutenberg -Association / Benedictine University". - -*END*THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* - - - - - -THE PICKWICK PAPERS - - -CHARLES DICKENS - - - - -CONTENTS - - -1. The Pickwickians - -2. The first Day's Journey, and the first Evening's - Adventures; with their Consequences - -3. A new Acquaintance--The Stroller's Tale--A - disagreeable Interruption, and an unpleasant - Encounter - -4. A Field Day and Bivouac--More new Friends--An - Invitation to the Country - -5. A short one--Showing, among other Matters, how - Mr. Pickwick undertook to drive, and Mr. Winkle - to ride, and how they both did it - -6. An old-fashioned Card-party--The Clergyman's - verses--The Story of the Convict's Return - -7. How Mr. Winkle, instead of shooting at the Pigeon - and killing the Crow, shot at the Crow and - wounded the Pigeon; how the Dingley Dell - Cricket Club played All-Muggleton, and how All- - Muggleton dined at the Dingley Dell Expense; - with other interesting and instructive Matters - -8. Strongly illustrative of the Position, that the - Course of True Love is not a Railway - -9. A Discovery and a Chase - -10. Clearing up all Doubts (if any existed) of the - Disinterestedness of Mr. A. Jingle's Character - -11. Involving another Journey, and an Antiquarian - Discovery; Recording Mr. Pickwick's Determination - to be present at an Election; and containing - a Manuscript of the old Clergyman's - -12. Descriptive of a very important Proceeding on - the Part of Mr. Pickwick; no less an Epoch in his - Life, than in this History - -13. Some Account of Eatanswill; of the State of - Parties therein; and of the Election of a Member - to serve in Parliament for that ancient, loyal, -and patriotic Borough - -14. Comprising a brief Description of the Company - at the Peacock assembled; and a Tale told by a - Bagman - -15. In which is given a faithful Portraiture of two - distinguished Persons; and an accurate Description - of a public Breakfast in their House and Grounds: - which public Breakfast leads to the Recognition - of an old Acquaintance, and the Commencement of - another Chapter - -16. Too full of Adventure to be briefly described - -17. Showing that an Attack of Rheumatism, in some - Cases, acts as a Quickener to inventive Genius - -18. Briefly illustrative of two Points; first, the - Power of Hysterics, and, secondly, the Force of - Circumstances - -19. A pleasant Day with an unpleasant Termination - -20. Showing how Dodson and Fogg were Men of - Business, and their Clerks Men of pleasure; and - how an affecting Interview took place between - Mr. Weller and his long-lost Parent; showing also - what Choice Spirits assembled at the Magpie and - Stump, and what a Capital Chapter the next one - will be - -21. In which the old Man launches forth into his - favourite Theme, and relates a Story about a - queer Client - -22. Mr. Pickwick journeys to Ipswich and meets with - a romantic Adventure with a middle-aged Lady - in yellow Curl-papers - -23. In which Mr. Samuel Weller begins to devote his - Energies to the Return Match between himself - and Mr. Trotter - -24. Wherein Mr. Peter Magnus grows jealous, and the - middle-aged Lady apprehensive, which brings the - Pickwickians within the Grasp of the Law - -25. Showing, among a Variety of pleasant Matters, - how majestic and impartial Mr. Nupkins was; and - how Mr. Weller returned Mr. Job Trotter's - Shuttlecock as heavily as it came--With another - Matter, which will be found in its Place - -26. Which contains a brief Account of the Progress - of the Action of Bardell against Pickwick - -27. Samuel Weller makes a Pilgrimage to Dorking, - and beholds his Mother-in-law - -28. A good-humoured Christmas Chapter, containing - an Account of a Wedding, and some other Sports - beside: which although in their Way even as good - Customs as Marriage itself, are not quite so - religiously kept up, in these degenerate Times - -29. The Story of the Goblins who stole a Sexton - -30. How the Pickwickians made and cultivated the - Acquaintance of a Couple of nice young Men - belonging to one of the liberal Professions; how - they disported themselves on the Ice; and how - their Visit came to a Conclusion - -31. Which is all about the Law, and sundry Great - Authorities learned therein - -32. Describes, far more fully than the Court Newsman - ever did, a Bachelor's Party, given by Mr. - Bob Sawyer at his Lodgings in the Borough - -33. Mr. Weller the elder delivers some Critical Sentiments - respecting Literary Composition; and, - assisted by his Son Samuel, pays a small Instalment - of Retaliation to the Account of the Reverend - Gentleman with the Red Nose - -34. Is wholly devoted to a full and faithful Report - of the memorable Trial of Bardell against Pickwick - -35. In which Mr. Pickwick thinks he had better go to - Bath; and goes accordingly - -36. The chief Features of which will be found to be - an authentic Version of the Legend of Prince - Bladud, and a most extraordinary Calamity that - befell Mr. Winkle - -37. Honourably accounts for Mr. Weller's Absence, - by describing a Soiree to which he was invited - and went; also relates how he was intrusted by - Mr. Pickwick with a Private Mission of Delicacy - and Importance - -38. How Mr. Winkle, when he stepped out of the - Frying-pan, walked gently and comfortably into - the Fire - -39. Mr. Samuel Weller, being intrusted with a Mission - of Love, proceeds to execute it; with what Success - will hereinafter appear - -40. Introduces Mr. Pickwick to a new and not uninteresting - Scene in the great Drama of Life - -41. Whatt befell Mr. Pickwick when he got into the - Fleet; what Prisoners he saw there; and how he - passed the Night - -42. Illustrative, like the preceding one, of the old - Proverb, that Adversity brings a Man acquainted - with strange Bedfellows--Likewise containing Mr. - Pickwick's extraordinary and startling Announcement - to Mr. Samuel Weller - -43. Showing how Mr. Samuel Weller got into Difficulties - -44. Treats of divers little Matters which occurred - in the Fleet, and of Mr. Winkle's mysterious - Behaviour; and shows how the poor Chancery - Prisoner obtained his Release at last - -45. Descriptive of an affecting Interview between Mr. - Samuel Weller and a Family Party. Mr. Pickwick - makes a Tour of the diminutive World he - inhabits, and resolves to mix with it, in Future, - as little as possible - -46. Records a touching Act of delicate Feeling not - unmixed with Pleasantry, achieved and performed - by Messrs. Dodson and Fogg - -47. Is chiefly devoted to Matters of Business, - and the temporal Advantage of Dodson and Fogg-- - Mr. Winkle reappears under extraordinary - Circumstances--Mr. Pickwick's Benevolence proves - stronger than his Obstinacy - -48. Relates how Mr. Pickwick, with the Assistance - of Samuel Weller, essayed to soften the Heart - of Mr. Benjamin Allen, and to mollify the Wrath - of Mr. Robert Sawyer - -49. Containing the Story of the Bagman's Uncle - -50. How Mr. Pickwick sped upon his Mission, and how - he was reinforced in the Outset by a most - unexpected Auxiliary - -51. In which Mr. Pickwick encounters an old - Acquaintance--To which fortunate Circumstance - the Reader is mainly indebted for Matter of - thrilling Interest herein set down, concerning - two great Public Men of Might and Power - -52. Involving a serious Change in the Weller Family, - and the untimely Downfall of Mr. Stiggins - -53. Comprising the final Exit of Mr. Jingle and Job - Trotter, with a great Morning of business in - Gray's Inn Square--Concluding with a Double - Knock at Mr. Perker's Door - -54. Containing some Particulars relative to the - Double Knock, and other Matters: among which - certain interesting Disclosures relative to Mr. - Snodgrass and a Young Lady are by no Means - irrelevant to this History - -55. Mr. Solomon Pell, assisted by a Select Committee - of Coachmen, arranges the affairs of the elder - Mr. Weller - -56. An important Conference takes place between - Mr. Pickwick and Samuel Weller, at which his - Parent assists--An old Gentleman in a snuff- - coloured Suit arrives unexpectedly - -57. In which the Pickwick Club is finally dissolved, - and everything concluded to the Satisfaction - of Everybody - - - - - -THE POSTHUMOUS PAPERS -OF -THE PICKWICK CLUB - - - - -CHAPTER I -THE PICKWICKIANS - - -The first ray of light which illumines the gloom, and converts -into a dazzling brilliancy that obscurity in which the earlier -history of the public career of the immortal Pickwick would -appear to be involved, is derived from the perusal of the following -entry in the Transactions of the Pickwick Club, which the editor -of these papers feels the highest pleasure in laying before his -readers, as a proof of the careful attention, indefatigable assiduity, -and nice discrimination, with which his search among the multifarious -documents confided to him has been conducted. - -'May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, Esq., P.V.P.M.P.C. [Perpetual -Vice-President--Member Pickwick Club], presiding. The following -resolutions unanimously agreed to:-- - -'That this Association has heard read, with feelings of unmingled -satisfaction, and unqualified approval, the paper communicated by Samuel -Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C. [General Chairman--Member Pickwick Club], -entitled "Speculations on the Source of the Hampstead Ponds, with some -Observations on the Theory of Tittlebats;" and that this Association -does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel -Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., for the same. - -'That while this Association is deeply sensible of the advantages -which must accrue to the cause of science, from the production -to which they have just adverted--no less than from the unwearied -researches of Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., in Hornsey, -Highgate, Brixton, and Camberwell--they cannot but entertain -a lively sense of the inestimable benefits which must inevitably -result from carrying the speculations of that learned man into a -wider field, from extending his travels, and, consequently, -enlarging his sphere of observation, to the advancement of -knowledge, and the diffusion of learning. - -'That, with the view just mentioned, this Association has taken -into its serious consideration a proposal, emanating from the -aforesaid, Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., and three other -Pickwickians hereinafter named, for forming a new branch of -United Pickwickians, under the title of The Corresponding -Society of the Pickwick Club. - -'That the said proposal has received the sanction and approval -of this Association. -'That the Corresponding Society of the Pickwick Club is -therefore hereby constituted; and that Samuel Pickwick, Esq., -G.C.M.P.C., Tracy Tupman, Esq., M.P.C., Augustus Snodgrass, -Esq., M.P.C., and Nathaniel Winkle, Esq., M.P.C., are hereby -nominated and appointed members of the same; and that they -be requested to forward, from time to time, authenticated -accounts of their journeys and investigations, of their observations -of character and manners, and of the whole of their -adventures, together with all tales and papers to which local -scenery or associations may give rise, to the Pickwick Club, -stationed in London. - -'That this Association cordially recognises the principle of -every member of the Corresponding Society defraying his own -travelling expenses; and that it sees no objection whatever to the -members of the said society pursuing their inquiries for any -length of time they please, upon the same terms. - -'That the members of the aforesaid Corresponding Society be, -and are hereby informed, that their proposal to pay the postage -of their letters, and the carriage of their parcels, has been -deliberated upon by this Association: that this Association -considers such proposal worthy of the great minds from which it -emanated, and that it hereby signifies its perfect acquiescence -therein.' - -A casual observer, adds the secretary, to whose notes we are -indebted for the following account--a casual observer might -possibly have remarked nothing extraordinary in the bald head, -and circular spectacles, which were intently turned towards his -(the secretary's) face, during the reading of the above resolutions: -to those who knew that the gigantic brain of Pickwick was -working beneath that forehead, and that the beaming eyes of -Pickwick were twinkling behind those glasses, the sight was -indeed an interesting one. There sat the man who had traced to -their source the mighty ponds of Hampstead, and agitated the -scientific world with his Theory of Tittlebats, as calm and -unmoved as the deep waters of the one on a frosty day, or as a -solitary specimen of the other in the inmost recesses of an earthen -jar. And how much more interesting did the spectacle become, -when, starting into full life and animation, as a simultaneous call -for 'Pickwick' burst from his followers, that illustrious man -slowly mounted into the Windsor chair, on which he had been -previously seated, and addressed the club himself had founded. -What a study for an artist did that exciting scene present! The -eloquent Pickwick, with one hand gracefully concealed behind -his coat tails, and the other waving in air to assist his glowing -declamation; his elevated position revealing those tights and -gaiters, which, had they clothed an ordinary man, might have -passed without observation, but which, when Pickwick clothed -them--if we may use the expression--inspired involuntary awe -and respect; surrounded by the men who had volunteered to -share the perils of his travels, and who were destined to participate -in the glories of his discoveries. On his right sat Mr. Tracy -Tupman--the too susceptible Tupman, who to the wisdom and -experience of maturer years superadded the enthusiasm and -ardour of a boy in the most interesting and pardonable of human -weaknesses--love. Time and feeding had expanded that once -romantic form; the black silk waistcoat had become more and -more developed; inch by inch had the gold watch-chain beneath -it disappeared from within the range of Tupman's vision; and -gradually had the capacious chin encroached upon the borders of -the white cravat: but the soul of Tupman had known no change ---admiration of the fair sex was still its ruling passion. On the -left of his great leader sat the poetic Snodgrass, and near him -again the sporting Winkle; the former poetically enveloped in a -mysterious blue cloak with a canine-skin collar, and the latter -communicating additional lustre to a new green shooting-coat, -plaid neckerchief, and closely-fitted drabs. - -Mr. Pickwick's oration upon this occasion, together with the -debate thereon, is entered on the Transactions of the Club. Both -bear a strong affinity to the discussions of other celebrated -bodies; and, as it is always interesting to trace a resemblance -between the proceedings of great men, we transfer the entry to -these pages. - -'Mr. Pickwick observed (says the secretary) that fame was dear -to the heart of every man. Poetic fame was dear to the heart of -his friend Snodgrass; the fame of conquest was equally dear to -his friend Tupman; and the desire of earning fame in the sports -of the field, the air, and the water was uppermost in the breast of -his friend Winkle. He (Mr. Pickwick) would not deny that he was -influenced by human passions and human feelings (cheers)-- -possibly by human weaknesses (loud cries of "No"); but this he -would say, that if ever the fire of self-importance broke out in his -bosom, the desire to benefit the human race in preference -effectually quenched it. The praise of mankind was his swing; -philanthropy was his insurance office. (Vehement cheering.) He -had felt some pride--he acknowledged it freely, and let his -enemies make the most of it--he had felt some pride when he -presented his Tittlebatian Theory to the world; it might be -celebrated or it might not. (A cry of "It is," and great cheering.) -He would take the assertion of that honourable Pickwickian -whose voice he had just heard--it was celebrated; but if the fame -of that treatise were to extend to the farthest confines of the -known world, the pride with which he should reflect on the -authorship of that production would be as nothing compared -with the pride with which he looked around him, on this, the -proudest moment of his existence. (Cheers.) He was a humble -individual. ("No, no.") Still he could not but feel that they had -selected him for a service of great honour, and of some danger. -Travelling was in a troubled state, and the minds of coachmen -were unsettled. Let them look abroad and contemplate the scenes -which were enacting around them. Stage-coaches were upsetting -in all directions, horses were bolting, boats were overturning, and -boilers were bursting. (Cheers--a voice "No.") No! (Cheers.) -Let that honourable Pickwickian who cried "No" so loudly -come forward and deny it, if he could. (Cheers.) Who was it that -cried "No"? (Enthusiastic cheering.) Was it some vain and -disappointed man--he would not say haberdasher (loud cheers) ---who, jealous of the praise which had been--perhaps undeservedly-- -bestowed on his (Mr. Pickwick's) researches, and smarting under -the censure which had been heaped upon his own feeble attempts at -rivalry, now took this vile and calumnious mode of--- - -'Mr. BLOTTON (of Aldgate) rose to order. Did the honourable -Pickwickian allude to him? (Cries of "Order," "Chair," "Yes," -"No," "Go on," "Leave off," etc.) - -'Mr. PICKWICK would not put up to be put down by clamour. -He had alluded to the honourable gentleman. (Great excitement.) - -'Mr. BLOTTON would only say then, that he repelled the hon. -gent.'s false and scurrilous accusation, with profound contempt. -(Great cheering.) The hon. gent. was a humbug. (Immense confusion, -and loud cries of "Chair," and "Order.") - -'Mr. A. SNODGRASS rose to order. He threw himself upon the -chair. (Hear.) He wished to know whether this disgraceful -contest between two members of that club should be allowed to -continue. (Hear, hear.) - -'The CHAIRMAN was quite sure the hon. Pickwickian would -withdraw the expression he had just made use of. - -'Mr. BLOTTON, with all possible respect for the chair, was quite -sure he would not. - -'The CHAIRMAN felt it his imperative duty to demand of the -honourable gentleman, whether he had used the expression which -had just escaped him in a common sense. - -'Mr. BLOTTON had no hesitation in saying that he had not--he -had used the word in its Pickwickian sense. (Hear, hear.) He was -bound to acknowledge that, personally, he entertained the -highest regard and esteem for the honourable gentleman; he had -merely considered him a humbug in a Pickwickian point of view. -(Hear, hear.) - -'Mr. PICKWICK felt much gratified by the fair, candid, and full -explanation of his honourable friend. He begged it to be at once -understood, that his own observations had been merely intended -to bear a Pickwickian construction. (Cheers.)' - -Here the entry terminates, as we have no doubt the debate did -also, after arriving at such a highly satisfactory and intelligible -point. We have no official statement of the facts which the reader -will find recorded in the next chapter, but they have been carefully -collated from letters and other MS. authorities, so unquestionably -genuine as to justify their narration in a connected form. - - -CHAPTER II -THE FIRST DAY'S JOURNEY, AND THE FIRST EVENING'S - ADVENTURES; WITH THEIR CONSEQUENCES - - -That punctual servant of all work, the sun, had just risen, and -begun to strike a light on the morning of the thirteenth of May, -one thousand eight hundred and twenty-seven, when Mr. Samuel -Pickwick burst like another sun from his slumbers, threw open his -chamber window, and looked out upon the world beneath. Goswell -Street was at his feet, Goswell Street was on his right hand--as -far as the eye could reach, Goswell Street extended on his left; -and the opposite side of Goswell Street was over the way. 'Such,' -thought Mr. Pickwick, 'are the narrow views of those philosophers -who, content with examining the things that lie before them, look -not to the truths which are hidden beyond. As well might I be -content to gaze on Goswell Street for ever, without one effort to -penetrate to the hidden countries which on every side surround -it.' And having given vent to this beautiful reflection, Mr. -Pickwick proceeded to put himself into his clothes, and his -clothes into his portmanteau. Great men are seldom over -scrupulous in the arrangement of their attire; the operation of -shaving, dressing, and coffee-imbibing was soon performed; and, in -another hour, Mr. Pickwick, with his portmanteau in his hand, his -telescope in his greatcoat pocket, and his note-book in his -waistcoat, ready for the reception of any discoveries worthy of -being noted down, had arrived at the coach-stand in -St. Martin's-le-Grand. -'Cab!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Here you are, sir,' shouted a strange specimen of the human -race, in a sackcloth coat, and apron of the same, who, with a brass -label and number round his neck, looked as if he were catalogued -in some collection of rarities. This was the waterman. 'Here you -are, sir. Now, then, fust cab!' And the first cab having been -fetched from the public-house, where he had been smoking his -first pipe, Mr. Pickwick and his portmanteau were thrown into -the vehicle. - -'Golden Cross,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Only a bob's vorth, Tommy,' cried the driver sulkily, for the -information of his friend the waterman, as the cab drove off. - -'How old is that horse, my friend?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, -rubbing his nose with the shilling he had reserved for the fare. - -'Forty-two,' replied the driver, eyeing him askant. - -'What!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, laying his hand upon his -note-book. The driver reiterated his former statement. Mr. -Pickwick looked very hard at the man's face, but his features -were immovable, so he noted down the fact forthwith. -'And how long do you keep him out at a time?'inquired Mr. -Pickwick, searching for further information. - -'Two or three veeks,' replied the man. - -'Weeks!' said Mr. Pickwick in astonishment, and out came the -note-book again. - -'He lives at Pentonwil when he's at home,' observed the driver -coolly, 'but we seldom takes him home, on account of his weakness.' - -'On account of his weakness!' reiterated the perplexed Mr. Pickwick. - -'He always falls down when he's took out o' the cab,' continued -the driver, 'but when he's in it, we bears him up werry -tight, and takes him in werry short, so as he can't werry well fall -down; and we've got a pair o' precious large wheels on, so ven he -does move, they run after him, and he must go on--he can't -help it.' - -Mr. Pickwick entered every word of this statement in his note- -book, with the view of communicating it to the club, as a singular -instance of the tenacity of life in horses under trying circumstances. -The entry was scarcely completed when they reached the -Golden Cross. Down jumped the driver, and out got Mr. Pickwick. -Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. Winkle, who had -been anxiously waiting the arrival of their illustrious leader, -crowded to welcome him. - -'Here's your fare,' said Mr. Pickwick, holding out the shilling -to the driver. - -What was the learned man's astonishment, when that unaccountable -person flung the money on the pavement, and -requested in figurative terms to be allowed the pleasure of fighting -him (Mr. Pickwick) for the amount! - -'You are mad,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Or drunk,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Or both,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Come on!' said the cab-driver, sparring away like clockwork. -'Come on--all four on you.' - -'Here's a lark!' shouted half a dozen hackney coachmen. 'Go -to vork, Sam!--and they crowded with great glee round the -party. - -'What's the row, Sam?' inquired one gentleman in black calico sleeves. - -'Row!' replied the cabman, 'what did he want my number for?' -'I didn't want your number,' said the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -'What did you take it for, then?' inquired the cabman. - -'I didn't take it,' said Mr. Pickwick indignantly. - -'Would anybody believe,' continued the cab-driver, appealing -to the crowd, 'would anybody believe as an informer'ud go about -in a man's cab, not only takin' down his number, but ev'ry word -he says into the bargain' (a light flashed upon Mr. Pickwick--it -was the note-book). - -'Did he though?' inquired another cabman. - -'Yes, did he,' replied the first; 'and then arter aggerawatin' me -to assault him, gets three witnesses here to prove it. But I'll give it -him, if I've six months for it. Come on!' and the cabman dashed -his hat upon the ground, with a reckless disregard of his own -private property, and knocked Mr. Pickwick's spectacles off, and -followed up the attack with a blow on Mr. Pickwick's nose, and -another on Mr. Pickwick's chest, and a third in Mr. Snodgrass's -eye, and a fourth, by way of variety, in Mr. Tupman's waistcoat, -and then danced into the road, and then back again to the pavement, -and finally dashed the whole temporary supply of breath -out of Mr. Winkle's body; and all in half a dozen seconds. - -'Where's an officer?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Put 'em under the pump,' suggested a hot-pieman. - -'You shall smart for this,' gasped Mr. Pickwick. - -'Informers!' shouted the crowd. - -'Come on,' cried the cabman, who had been sparring without -cessation the whole time. - -The mob hitherto had been passive spectators of the scene, but -as the intelligence of the Pickwickians being informers was spread -among them, they began to canvass with considerable vivacity -the propriety of enforcing the heated pastry-vendor's proposition: -and there is no saying what acts of personal aggression they -might have committed, had not the affray been unexpectedly -terminated by the interposition of a new-comer. - -'What's the fun?' said a rather tall, thin, young man, in a green -coat, emerging suddenly from the coach-yard. - -'informers!' shouted the crowd again. - -'We are not,' roared Mr. Pickwick, in a tone which, to any -dispassionate listener, carried conviction with it. -'Ain't you, though--ain't you?' said the young man, appealing -to Mr. Pickwick, and making his way through the crowd by the -infallible process of elbowing the countenances of its component members. - -That learned man in a few hurried words explained the real -state of the case. - -'Come along, then,' said he of the green coat, lugging Mr. -Pickwick after him by main force, and talking the whole way. -Here, No. 924, take your fare, and take yourself off--respectable -gentleman--know him well--none of your nonsense--this way, -sir--where's your friends?--all a mistake, I see--never mind-- -accidents will happen--best regulated families--never say die-- -down upon your luck--Pull him UP--Put that in his pipe--like -the flavour--damned rascals.' And with a lengthened string of -similar broken sentences, delivered with extraordinary volubility, -the stranger led the way to the traveller's waiting-room, whither -he was closely followed by Mr. Pickwick and his disciples. - -'Here, waiter!' shouted the stranger, ringing the bell with -tremendous violence, 'glasses round--brandy-and-water, hot and -strong, and sweet, and plenty,--eye damaged, Sir? Waiter! raw -beef-steak for the gentleman's eye--nothing like raw beef-steak -for a bruise, sir; cold lamp-post very good, but lamp-post -inconvenient--damned odd standing in the open street half an -hour, with your eye against a lamp-post--eh,--very good-- -ha! ha!' And the stranger, without stopping to take breath, -swallowed at a draught full half a pint of the reeking brandy-and- -water, and flung himself into a chair with as much ease as if -nothing uncommon had occurred. - -While his three companions were busily engaged in proffering -their thanks to their new acquaintance, Mr. Pickwick had leisure -to examine his costume and appearance. - -He was about the middle height, but the thinness of his body, -and the length of his legs, gave him the appearance of being -much taller. The green coat had been a smart dress garment in the -days of swallow-tails, but had evidently in those times adorned -a much shorter man than the stranger, for the soiled and faded -sleeves scarcely reached to his wrists. It was buttoned closely up -to his chin, at the imminent hazard of splitting the back; and an -old stock, without a vestige of shirt collar, ornamented his neck. -His scanty black trousers displayed here and there those shiny -patches which bespeak long service, and were strapped very -tightly over a pair of patched and mended shoes, as if to conceal -the dirty white stockings, which were nevertheless distinctly -visible. His long, black hair escaped in negligent waves from -beneath each side of his old pinched-up hat; and glimpses of his -bare wrists might be observed between the tops of his gloves and -the cuffs of his coat sleeves. His face was thin and haggard; but -an indescribable air of jaunty impudence and perfect self- -possession pervaded the whole man. - -Such was the individual on whom Mr. Pickwick gazed through -his spectacles (which he had fortunately recovered), and to whom -he proceeded, when his friends had exhausted themselves, to -return in chosen terms his warmest thanks for his recent assistance. - -'Never mind,' said the stranger, cutting the address very short, -'said enough--no more; smart chap that cabman--handled -his fives well; but if I'd been your friend in the green jemmy-- -damn me--punch his head,--'cod I would,--pig's whisper-- -pieman too,--no gammon.' - - -This coherent speech was interrupted by the entrance of the -Rochester coachman, to announce that 'the Commodore' was on -the point of starting. - -'Commodore!' said the stranger, starting up, 'my coach-- -place booked,--one outside--leave you to pay for the brandy- -and-water,--want change for a five,--bad silver--Brummagem -buttons--won't do--no go--eh?' and he shook his head most knowingly. - -Now it so happened that Mr. Pickwick and his three -companions had resolved to make Rochester their first halting-place -too; and having intimated to their new-found acquaintance that -they were journeying to the same city, they agreed to occupy the -seat at the back of the coach, where they could all sit together. - -'Up with you,' said the stranger, assisting Mr. Pickwick on to -the roof with so much precipitation as to impair the gravity of -that gentleman's deportment very materially. - -'Any luggage, Sir?' inquired the coachman. -'Who--I? Brown paper parcel here, that's all--other luggage -gone by water--packing-cases, nailed up--big as houses-- -heavy, heavy, damned heavy,' replied the stranger, as he forced -into his pocket as much as he could of the brown paper parcel, -which presented most suspicious indications of containing one -shirt and a handkerchief. - -'Heads, heads--take care of your heads!' cried the loquacious -stranger, as they came out under the low archway, which in those -days formed the entrance to the coach-yard. 'Terrible place-- -dangerous work--other day--five children--mother--tall lady, -eating sandwiches--forgot the arch--crash--knock--children -look round--mother's head off--sandwich in her hand--no -mouth to put it in--head of a family off--shocking, shocking! -Looking at Whitehall, sir?--fine place--little window--somebody -else's head off there, eh, sir?--he didn't keep a sharp -look-out enough either--eh, Sir, eh?' - -'I am ruminating,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'on the strange -mutability of human affairs.' - -'Ah! I see--in at the palace door one day, out at the window -the next. Philosopher, Sir?' -'An observer of human nature, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, so am I. Most people are when they've little to do and less -to get. Poet, Sir?' - -'My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a strong poetic turn,' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -'So have I,' said the stranger. 'Epic poem--ten thousand lines ---revolution of July--composed it on the spot--Mars by day, -Apollo by night--bang the field-piece, twang the lyre.' - -'You were present at that glorious scene, sir?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Present! think I was;* fired a musket--fired with an idea-- -rushed into wine shop--wrote it down--back again--whiz, bang ---another idea--wine shop again--pen and ink--back again-- -cut and slash--noble time, Sir. Sportsman, sir ?'abruptly turning -to Mr. Winkle. - [* A remarkable instance of the prophetic force of Mr. - Jingle's imagination; this dialogue occurring in the year - 1827, and the Revolution in 1830. - -'A little, Sir,' replied that gentleman. - -'Fine pursuit, sir--fine pursuit.--Dogs, Sir?' - -'Not just now,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Ah! you should keep dogs--fine animals--sagacious creatures ---dog of my own once--pointer--surprising instinct--out -shooting one day--entering inclosure--whistled--dog stopped-- -whistled again--Ponto--no go; stock still--called him--Ponto, -Ponto--wouldn't move--dog transfixed--staring at a board-- -looked up, saw an inscription--"Gamekeeper has orders to shoot -all dogs found in this inclosure"--wouldn't pass it--wonderful -dog--valuable dog that--very.' - -'Singular circumstance that,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Will you -allow me to make a note of it?' - -'Certainly, Sir, certainly--hundred more anecdotes of the same -animal.--Fine girl, Sir' (to Mr. Tracy Tupman, who had been -bestowing sundry anti-Pickwickian glances on a young lady by -the roadside). - -'Very!' said Mr. Tupman. - -'English girls not so fine as Spanish--noble creatures--jet hair ---black eyes--lovely forms--sweet creatures--beautiful.' - -'You have been in Spain, sir?' said Mr. Tracy Tupman. - -'Lived there--ages.' -'Many conquests, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'Conquests! Thousands. Don Bolaro Fizzgig--grandee--only -daughter--Donna Christina--splendid creature--loved me to -distraction--jealous father--high-souled daughter--handsome -Englishman--Donna Christina in despair--prussic acid-- -stomach pump in my portmanteau--operation performed--old -Bolaro in ecstasies--consent to our union--join hands and floods -of tears--romantic story--very.' - -'Is the lady in England now, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, on -whom the description of her charms had produced a powerful impression. - -'Dead, sir--dead,' said the stranger, applying to his right eye -the brief remnant of a very old cambric handkerchief. 'Never -recovered the stomach pump--undermined constitution--fell a victim.' - -'And her father?' inquired the poetic Snodgrass. - -'Remorse and misery,' replied the stranger. 'Sudden -disappearance--talk of the whole city--search made everywhere -without success--public fountain in the great square suddenly -ceased playing--weeks elapsed--still a stoppage--workmen -employed to clean it--water drawn off--father-in-law discovered -sticking head first in the main pipe, with a full confession in his -right boot--took him out, and the fountain played away again, -as well as ever.' - -'Will you allow me to note that little romance down, Sir?' said -Mr. Snodgrass, deeply affected. - -'Certainly, Sir, certainly--fifty more if you like to hear 'em-- -strange life mine--rather curious history--not extraordinary, -but singular.' - -In this strain, with an occasional glass of ale, by way of -parenthesis, when the coach changed horses, did the stranger -proceed, until they reached Rochester bridge, by which time the -note-books, both of Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Snodgrass, were -completely filled with selections from his adventures. - -'Magnificent ruin!' said Mr. Augustus Snodgrass, with all the -poetic fervour that distinguished him, when they came in sight of -the fine old castle. - -'What a sight for an antiquarian!' were the very words which -fell from Mr. Pickwick's mouth, as he applied his telescope to his eye. - -'Ah! fine place,' said the stranger, 'glorious pile--frowning -walls--tottering arches--dark nooks--crumbling staircases--old -cathedral too--earthy smell--pilgrims' feet wore away the old -steps--little Saxon doors--confessionals like money-takers' -boxes at theatres--queer customers those monks--popes, and -lord treasurers, and all sorts of old fellows, with great red faces, -and broken noses, turning up every day--buff jerkins too-- -match-locks--sarcophagus--fine place--old legends too--strange -stories: capital;' and the stranger continued to soliloquise until -they reached the Bull Inn, in the High Street, where the coach stopped. - -'Do you remain here, Sir?' inquired Mr. Nathaniel Winkle. - -'Here--not I--but you'd better--good house--nice beds-- -Wright's next house, dear--very dear--half-a-crown in the bill if -you look at the waiter--charge you more if you dine at a friend's -than they would if you dined in the coffee-room--rum fellows--very.' - -Mr. Winkle turned to Mr. Pickwick, and murmured a few -words; a whisper passed from Mr. Pickwick to Mr. Snodgrass, -from Mr. Snodgrass to Mr. Tupman, and nods of assent were -exchanged. Mr. Pickwick addressed the stranger. - -'You rendered us a very important service this morning, sir,' -said he, 'will you allow us to offer a slight mark of our gratitude -by begging the favour of your company at dinner?' - -'Great pleasure--not presume to dictate, but broiled fowl and -mushrooms--capital thing! What time?' - -'Let me see,' replied Mr. Pickwick, referring to his watch, 'it is -now nearly three. Shall we say five?' - -'Suit me excellently,' said the stranger, 'five precisely--till then--care of -yourselves;' and lifting the pinched-up hat a few inches -from his head, and carelessly replacing it very much on one side, -the stranger, with half the brown paper parcel sticking out of his -pocket, walked briskly up the yard, and turned into the High Street. - -'Evidently a traveller in many countries, and a close observer of -men and things,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I should like to see his poem,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I should like to have seen that dog,' said Mr. Winkle. - -Mr. Tupman said nothing; but he thought of Donna Christina, -the stomach pump, and the fountain; and his eyes filled with tears. - -A private sitting-room having been engaged, bedrooms -inspected, and dinner ordered, the party walked out to view the -city and adjoining neighbourhood. - -We do not find, from a careful perusal of Mr. Pickwick's notes -of the four towns, Stroud, Rochester, Chatham, and Brompton, -that his impressions of their appearance differ in any material -point from those of other travellers who have gone over the same -ground. His general description is easily abridged. - -'The principal productions of these towns,' says Mr. Pickwick, -'appear to be soldiers, sailors, Jews, chalk, shrimps, officers, and -dockyard men. The commodities chiefly exposed for sale in the -public streets are marine stores, hard-bake, apples, flat-fish, and -oysters. The streets present a lively and animated appearance, -occasioned chiefly by the conviviality of the military. It is truly -delightful to a philanthropic mind to see these gallant men -staggering along under the influence of an overflow both of -animal and ardent spirits; more especially when we remember -that the following them about, and jesting with them, affords a -cheap and innocent amusement for the boy population. Nothing,' -adds Mr. Pickwick, 'can exceed their good-humour. It was -but the day before my arrival that one of them had been most -grossly insulted in the house of a publican. The barmaid -had positively refused to draw him any more liquor; in return -for which he had (merely in playfulness) drawn his bayonet, -and wounded the girl in the shoulder. And yet this fine fellow -was the very first to go down to the house next morning and -express his readiness to overlook the matter, and forget what -had occurred! - -'The consumption of tobacco in these towns,' continues Mr. -Pickwick, 'must be very great, and the smell which pervades the -streets must be exceedingly delicious to those who are extremely -fond of smoking. A superficial traveller might object to the dirt, -which is their leading characteristic; but to those who view it as -an indication of traffic and commercial prosperity, it is -truly gratifying.' - -Punctual to five o'clock came the stranger, and shortly afterwards -the dinner. He had divested himself of his brown paper -parcel, but had made no alteration in his attire, and was, if -possible, more loquacious than ever. - -'What's that?' he inquired, as the waiter removed one of the covers. - -'Soles, Sir.' - -'Soles--ah!--capital fish--all come from London-stage- -coach proprietors get up political dinners--carriage of soles-- -dozens of baskets--cunning fellows. Glass of wine, Sir.' - -'With pleasure,' said Mr. Pickwick; and the stranger took -wine, first with him, and then with Mr. Snodgrass, and then with -Mr. Tupman, and then with Mr. Winkle, and then with the -whole party together, almost as rapidly as he talked. - -'Devil of a mess on the staircase, waiter,' said the stranger. -'Forms going up--carpenters coming down--lamps, glasses, -harps. What's going forward?' - -'Ball, Sir,' said the waiter. - -'Assembly, eh?' - -'No, Sir, not assembly, Sir. Ball for the benefit of a charity, Sir.' - -'Many fine women in this town, do you know, Sir?' inquired -Mr. Tupman, with great interest. - -'Splendid--capital. Kent, sir--everybody knows Kent-- -apples, cherries, hops, and women. Glass of wine, Sir!' - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Tupman. The stranger filled, -and emptied. - -'I should very much like to go,' said Mr. Tupman, resuming -the subject of the ball, 'very much.' - -'Tickets at the bar, Sir,' interposed the waiter; 'half-a-guinea -each, Sir.' - -Mr. Tupman again expressed an earnest wish to be present at -the festivity; but meeting with no response in the darkened eye of -Mr. Snodgrass, or the abstracted gaze of Mr. Pickwick, he -applied himself with great interest to the port wine and dessert, -which had just been placed on the table. The waiter withdrew, -and the party were left to enjoy the cosy couple of hours -succeeding dinner. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said the stranger, 'bottle stands--pass -it round--way of the sun--through the button-hole--no heeltaps,' -and he emptied his glass, which he had filled about two -minutes before, and poured out another, with the air of a man -who was used to it. - -The wine was passed, and a fresh supply ordered. The visitor -talked, the Pickwickians listened. Mr. Tupman felt every moment -more disposed for the ball. Mr. Pickwick's countenance glowed -with an expression of universal philanthropy, and Mr. Winkle -and Mr. Snodgrass fell fast asleep. - -'They're beginning upstairs,' said the stranger--'hear the -company--fiddles tuning--now the harp--there they go.' The -various sounds which found their way downstairs announced the -commencement of the first quadrille. - -'How I should like to go,' said Mr. Tupman again. - -'So should I,' said the stranger--'confounded luggage,--heavy -smacks--nothing to go in--odd, ain't it?' - -Now general benevolence was one of the leading features of the -Pickwickian theory, and no one was more remarkable for the -zealous manner in which he observed so noble a principle than -Mr. Tracy Tupman. The number of instances recorded on the -Transactions of the Society, in which that excellent man referred -objects of charity to the houses of other members for left-off -garments or pecuniary relief is almost incredible. -'I should be very happy to lend you a change of apparel for the -purpose,' said Mr. Tracy Tupman, 'but you are rather slim, and -I am--' - -'Rather fat--grown-up Bacchus--cut the leaves--dismounted -from the tub, and adopted kersey, eh?--not double distilled, but -double milled--ha! ha! pass the wine.' - -Whether Mr. Tupman was somewhat indignant at the peremptory -tone in which he was desired to pass the wine which the -stranger passed so quickly away, or whether he felt very properly -scandalised at an influential member of the Pickwick Club being -ignominiously compared to a dismounted Bacchus, is a fact not -yet completely ascertained. He passed the wine, coughed twice, -and looked at the stranger for several seconds with a stern intensity; -as that individual, however, appeared perfectly collected, -and quite calm under his searching glance, he gradually relaxed, -and reverted to the subject of the ball. - -'I was about to observe, Sir,' he said, 'that though my apparel -would be too large, a suit of my friend Mr. Winkle's would, -perhaps, fit you better.' - -The stranger took Mr. Winkle's measure with his eye, and that -feature glistened with satisfaction as he said, 'Just the thing.' - -Mr. Tupman looked round him. The wine, which had exerted -its somniferous influence over Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle, -had stolen upon the senses of Mr. Pickwick. That gentleman had -gradually passed through the various stages which precede the -lethargy produced by dinner, and its consequences. He had -undergone the ordinary transitions from the height of conviviality -to the depth of misery, and from the depth of misery to the height -of conviviality. Like a gas-lamp in the street, with the wind in the -pipe, he had exhibited for a moment an unnatural brilliancy, then -sank so low as to be scarcely discernible; after a short interval, he -had burst out again, to enlighten for a moment; then flickered -with an uncertain, staggering sort of light, and then gone out -altogether. His head was sunk upon his bosom, and perpetual -snoring, with a partial choke occasionally, were the only audible -indications of the great man's presence. - -The temptation to be present at the ball, and to form his first -impressions of the beauty of the Kentish ladies, was strong upon -Mr. Tupman. The temptation to take the stranger with him was -equally great. He was wholly unacquainted with the place and its -inhabitants, and the stranger seemed to possess as great a -knowledge of both as if he had lived there from his infancy. -Mr. Winkle was asleep, and Mr. Tupman had had sufficient -experience in such matters to know that the moment he awoke he -would, in the ordinary course of nature, roll heavily to bed. He -was undecided. 'Fill your glass, and pass the wine,' said the -indefatigable visitor. - -Mr. Tupman did as he was requested; and the additional -stimulus of the last glass settled his determination. - -'Winkle's bedroom is inside mine,' said Mr. Tupman; 'I -couldn't make him understand what I wanted, if I woke him now, -but I know he has a dress-suit in a carpet bag; and supposing you -wore it to the ball, and took it off when we returned, I could -replace it without troubling him at all about the matter.' - -'Capital,' said the stranger, 'famous plan--damned odd -situation--fourteen coats in the packing-cases, and obliged to -wear another man's--very good notion, that--very.' - -'We must purchase our tickets,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Not worth while splitting a guinea,' said the stranger, 'toss -who shall pay for both--I call; you spin--first time--woman-- -woman--bewitching woman,' and down came the sovereign with -the dragon (called by courtesy a woman) uppermost. - -Mr. Tupman rang the bell, purchased the tickets, and ordered -chamber candlesticks. In another quarter of an hour the stranger -was completely arrayed in a full suit of Mr. Nathaniel Winkle's. - -'It's a new coat,' said Mr. Tupman, as the stranger surveyed -himself with great complacency in a cheval glass; 'the first that's -been made with our club button,' and he called his companions' -attention to the large gilt button which displayed a bust of Mr. -Pickwick in the centre, and the letters 'P. C.' on either side. - -'"P. C."' said the stranger--'queer set out--old fellow's -likeness, and "P. C."--What does "P. C." stand for--Peculiar -Coat, eh?' - -Mr. Tupman, with rising indignation and great importance, -explained the mystic device. - -'Rather short in the waist, ain't it?' said the stranger, screwing -himself round to catch a glimpse in the glass of the waist buttons, -which were half-way up his back. 'Like a general postman's coat ---queer coats those--made by contract--no measuring-- -mysterious dispensations of Providence--all the short men get -long coats--all the long men short ones.' Running on in this way, -Mr. Tupman's new companion adjusted his dress, or rather the -dress of Mr. Winkle; and, accompanied by Mr. Tupman, -ascended the staircase leading to the ballroom. - -'What names, sir?' said the man at the door. Mr. Tracy -Tupman was stepping forward to announce his own titles, when -the stranger prevented him. - -'No names at all;' and then he whispered Mr. Tupman, -'names won't do--not known--very good names in their way, -but not great ones--capital names for a small party, but won't -make an impression in public assemblies--incog. the thing-- -gentlemen from London--distinguished foreigners--anything.' -The door was thrown open, and Mr. Tracy Tupman and the -stranger entered the ballroom. - -It was a long room, with crimson-covered benches, and wax -candles in glass chandeliers. The musicians were securely confined -in an elevated den, and quadrilles were being systematically -got through by two or three sets of dancers. Two card-tables were -made up in the adjoining card-room, and two pair of old ladies, -and a corresponding number of stout gentlemen, were executing -whist therein. - -The finale concluded, the dancers promenaded the room, and -Mr. Tupman and his companion stationed themselves in a corner -to observe the company. - -'Charming women,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Wait a minute,' said the stranger, 'fun presently--nobs not -come yet--queer place--dockyard people of upper rank don't -know dockyard people of lower rank--dockyard people of lower -rank don't know small gentry--small gentry don't know -tradespeople--commissioner don't know anybody.' - -'Who's that little boy with the light hair and pink eyes, in a -fancy dress?'inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'Hush, pray--pink eyes--fancy dress--little boy--nonsense-- -ensign 97th--Honourable Wilmot Snipe--great family--Snipes--very.' - -'Sir Thomas Clubber, Lady Clubber, and the Misses Clubber!' -shouted the man at the door in a stentorian voice. A great -sensation was created throughout the room by the entrance of a -tall gentleman in a blue coat and bright buttons, a large lady in -blue satin, and two young ladies, on a similar scale, in fashionably- -made dresses of the same hue. - -'Commissioner--head of the yard--great man--remarkably -great man,' whispered the stranger in Mr. Tupman's ear, as the -charitable committee ushered Sir Thomas Clubber and family to -the top of the room. The Honourable Wilmot Snipe, and other -distinguished gentlemen crowded to render homage to the Misses -Clubber; and Sir Thomas Clubber stood bolt upright, and looked -majestically over his black kerchief at the assembled company. - -'Mr. Smithie, Mrs. Smithie, and the Misses Smithie,' was the -next announcement. - -'What's Mr. Smithie?' inquired Mr. Tracy Tupman. - -'Something in the yard,' replied the stranger. Mr. Smithie -bowed deferentially to Sir Thomas Clubber; and Sir Thomas -Clubber acknowledged the salute with conscious condescension. -Lady Clubber took a telescopic view of Mrs. Smithie and family -through her eye-glass and Mrs. Smithie stared in her turn at -Mrs. Somebody-else, whose husband was not in the dockyard -at all. - -'Colonel Bulder, Mrs. Colonel Bulder, and Miss Bulder,' were -the next arrivals. - -'Head of the garrison,' said the stranger, in reply to Mr. Tupman's -inquiring look. - -Miss Bulder was warmly welcomed by the Misses Clubber; the -greeting between Mrs. Colonel Bulder and Lady Clubber was of -the most affectionate description; Colonel Bulder and Sir Thomas -Clubber exchanged snuff-boxes, and looked very much like a pair -of Alexander Selkirks--'Monarchs of all they surveyed.' - -While the aristocracy of the place--the Bulders, and Clubbers, -and Snipes--were thus preserving their dignity at the upper end -of the room, the other classes of society were imitating their -example in other parts of it. The less aristocratic officers of the -97th devoted themselves to the families of the less important -functionaries from the dockyard. The solicitors' wives, and the -wine-merchant's wife, headed another grade (the brewer's wife -visited the Bulders); and Mrs. Tomlinson, the post-office keeper, -seemed by mutual consent to have been chosen the leader of the -trade party. - -One of the most popular personages, in his own circle, present, -was a little fat man, with a ring of upright black hair round his -head, and an extensive bald plain on the top of it--Doctor -Slammer, surgeon to the 97th. The doctor took snuff with -everybody, chatted with everybody, laughed, danced, made jokes, -played whist, did everything, and was everywhere. To these -pursuits, multifarious as they were, the little doctor added a -more important one than any--he was indefatigable in paying -the most unremitting and devoted attention to a little old widow, -whose rich dress and profusion of ornament bespoke her a most -desirable addition to a limited income. - -Upon the doctor, and the widow, the eyes of both Mr. Tupman -and his companion had been fixed for some time, when the -stranger broke silence. - -'Lots of money--old girl--pompous doctor--not a bad idea-- -good fun,' were the intelligible sentences which issued from his -lips. Mr. Tupman looked inquisitively in his face. -'I'll dance with the widow,' said the stranger. - -'Who is she?' inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'Don't know--never saw her in all my life--cut out the doctor ---here goes.' And the stranger forthwith crossed the room; and, -leaning against a mantel-piece, commenced gazing with an air of -respectful and melancholy admiration on the fat countenance of -the little old lady. Mr. Tupman looked on, in mute astonishment. -The stranger progressed rapidly; the little doctor danced with -another lady; the widow dropped her fan; the stranger picked it -up, and presented it--a smile--a bow--a curtsey--a few words -of conversation. The stranger walked boldly up to, and returned -with, the master of the ceremonies; a little introductory pantomime; -and the stranger and Mrs. Budger took their places in a quadrille. - -The surprise of Mr. Tupman at this summary proceeding, great -as it was, was immeasurably exceeded by the astonishment of the -doctor. The stranger was young, and the widow was flattered. -The doctor's attentions were unheeded by the widow; and the -doctor's indignation was wholly lost on his imperturbable rival. -Doctor Slammer was paralysed. He, Doctor Slammer, of the -97th, to be extinguished in a moment, by a man whom nobody -had ever seen before, and whom nobody knew even now! Doctor -Slammer--Doctor Slammer of the 97th rejected! Impossible! It -could not be! Yes, it was; there they were. What! introducing his -friend! Could he believe his eyes! He looked again, and was -under the painful necessity of admitting the veracity of his optics; -Mrs. Budger was dancing with Mr. Tracy Tupman; there was no -mistaking the fact. There was the widow before him, bouncing -bodily here and there, with unwonted vigour; and Mr. Tracy -Tupman hopping about, with a face expressive of the most -intense solemnity, dancing (as a good many people do) as if a -quadrille were not a thing to be laughed at, but a severe trial to -the feelings, which it requires inflexible resolution to encounter. - -Silently and patiently did the doctor bear all this, and all the -handings of negus, and watching for glasses, and darting for -biscuits, and coquetting, that ensued; but, a few seconds after the -stranger had disappeared to lead Mrs. Budger to her carriage, he -darted swiftly from the room with every particle of his hitherto- -bottled-up indignation effervescing, from all parts of his countenance, -in a perspiration of passion. - -The stranger was returning, and Mr. Tupman was beside him. -He spoke in a low tone, and laughed. The little doctor thirsted -for his life. He was exulting. He had triumphed. - -'Sir!' said the doctor, in an awful voice, producing a card, and -retiring into an angle of the passage, 'my name is Slammer, -Doctor Slammer, sir--97th Regiment--Chatham Barracks--my -card, Sir, my card.' He would have added more, but his indignation -choked him. - -'Ah!' replied the stranger coolly, 'Slammer--much obliged-- -polite attention--not ill now, Slammer--but when I am--knock -you up.' - -'You--you're a shuffler, sir,' gasped the furious doctor, 'a -poltroon--a coward--a liar--a--a--will nothing induce you to -give me your card, sir!' -'Oh! I see,' said the stranger, half aside, 'negus too strong here ---liberal landlord--very foolish--very--lemonade much better ---hot rooms--elderly gentlemen--suffer for it in the morning-- -cruel--cruel;' and he moved on a step or two. - -'You are stopping in this house, Sir,' said the indignant little -man; 'you are intoxicated now, Sir; you shall hear from me in the -morning, sir. I shall find you out, sir; I shall find you out.' - -'Rather you found me out than found me at home,' replied the -unmoved stranger. - -Doctor Slammer looked unutterable ferocity, as he fixed his -hat on his head with an indignant knock; and the stranger and -Mr. Tupman ascended to the bedroom of the latter to restore the -borrowed plumage to the unconscious Winkle. - -That gentleman was fast asleep; the restoration was soon made. -The stranger was extremely jocose; and Mr. Tracy Tupman, -being quite bewildered with wine, negus, lights, and ladies, -thought the whole affair was an exquisite joke. His new friend -departed; and, after experiencing some slight difficulty in finding -the orifice in his nightcap, originally intended for the reception of -his head, and finally overturning his candlestick in his struggles to -put it on, Mr. Tracy Tupman managed to get into bed by a series -of complicated evolutions, and shortly afterwards sank into repose. - -Seven o'clock had hardly ceased striking on the following -morning, when Mr. Pickwick's comprehensive mind was aroused -from the state of unconsciousness, in which slumber had plunged -it, by a loud knocking at his chamber door. -'Who's there?' said Mr. Pickwick, starting up in bed. - -'Boots, sir.' - -'What do you want?' - -'Please, sir, can you tell me which gentleman of your party -wears a bright blue dress-coat, with a gilt button with "P. C." -on it?' - -'It's been given out to brush,' thought Mr. Pickwick, 'and the -man has forgotten whom it belongs to.' 'Mr. Winkle,'he called -out, 'next room but two, on the right hand.' -'Thank'ee, sir,' said the Boots, and away he went. - -'What's the matter?' cried Mr. Tupman, as a loud knocking at -his door roused hint from his oblivious repose. - -'Can I speak to Mr. Winkle, sir?' replied Boots from the outside. - -'Winkle--Winkle!' shouted Mr. Tupman, calling into the -inner room. -'Hollo!' replied a faint voice from within the bed-clothes. - -'You're wanted--some one at the door;' and, having exerted -himself to articulate thus much, Mr. Tracy Tupman turned -round and fell fast asleep again. - -'Wanted!' said Mr. Winkle, hastily jumping out of bed, and -putting on a few articles of clothing; 'wanted! at this distance -from town--who on earth can want me?' - -'Gentleman in the coffee-room, sir,' replied the Boots, as -Mr. Winkle opened the door and confronted him; 'gentleman -says he'll not detain you a moment, Sir, but he can take no denial.' - -'Very odd!' said Mr. Winkle; 'I'll be down directly.' - -He hurriedly wrapped himself in a travelling-shawl and -dressing-gown, and proceeded downstairs. An old woman and a -couple of waiters were cleaning the coffee-room, and an officer in -undress uniform was looking out of the window. He turned -round as Mr. Winkle entered, and made a stiff inclination of the -head. Having ordered the attendants to retire, and closed the -door very carefully, he said, 'Mr. Winkle, I presume?' - -'My name is Winkle, sir.' - -'You will not be surprised, sir, when I inform you that I have -called here this morning on behalf of my friend, Doctor Slammer, -of the 97th.' - -'Doctor Slammer!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Doctor Slammer. He begged me to express his opinion that -your conduct of last evening was of a description which no -gentleman could endure; and' (he added) 'which no one gentleman -would pursue towards another.' - -Mr. Winkle's astonishment was too real, and too evident, to -escape the observation of Doctor Slammer's friend; he therefore -proceeded--'My friend, Doctor Slammer, requested me to add, -that he was firmly persuaded you were intoxicated during a -portion of the evening, and possibly unconscious of the extent of -the insult you were guilty of. He commissioned me to say, that -should this be pleaded as an excuse for your behaviour, he will -consent to accept a written apology, to be penned by you, from -my dictation.' - -'A written apology!' repeated Mr. Winkle, in the most -emphatic tone of amazement possible. - -'Of course you know the alternative,' replied the visitor coolly. - -'Were you intrusted with this message to me by name?' -inquired Mr. Winkle, whose intellects were hopelessly confused -by this extraordinary conversation. - -'I was not present myself,' replied the visitor, 'and in consequence -of your firm refusal to give your card to Doctor Slammer, -I was desired by that gentleman to identify the wearer of a very -uncommon coat--a bright blue dress-coat, with a gilt button -displaying a bust, and the letters "P. C."' - -Mr. Winkle actually staggered with astonishment as he heard -his own costume thus minutely described. Doctor Slammer's -friend proceeded:--'From the inquiries I made at the bar, just -now, I was convinced that the owner of the coat in question -arrived here, with three gentlemen, yesterday afternoon. I -immediately sent up to the gentleman who was described as -appearing the head of the party, and he at once referred me to you.' - -If the principal tower of Rochester Castle had suddenly walked -from its foundation, and stationed itself opposite the coffee-room -window, Mr. Winkle's surprise would have been as nothing -compared with the profound astonishment with which he had -heard this address. His first impression was that his coat had been -stolen. 'Will you allow me to detain you one moment?' said he. - -'Certainly,' replied the unwelcome visitor. - -Mr. Winkle ran hastily upstairs, and with a trembling hand -opened the bag. There was the coat in its usual place, but -exhibiting, on a close inspection, evident tokens of having been -worn on the preceding night. - -'It must be so,' said Mr. Winkle, letting the coat fall from his -hands. 'I took too much wine after dinner, and have a very vague -recollection of walking about the streets, and smoking a cigar -afterwards. The fact is, I was very drunk;--I must have changed -my coat--gone somewhere--and insulted somebody--I have no -doubt of it; and this message is the terrible consequence.' Saying -which, Mr. Winkle retraced his steps in the direction of the -coffee-room, with the gloomy and dreadful resolve of accepting -the challenge of the warlike Doctor Slammer, and abiding by the -worst consequences that might ensue. - -To this determination Mr. Winkle was urged by a variety of -considerations, the first of which was his reputation with the -club. He had always been looked up to as a high authority on all -matters of amusement and dexterity, whether offensive, defensive, -or inoffensive; and if, on this very first occasion of being put -to the test, he shrunk back from the trial, beneath his leader's eye, -his name and standing were lost for ever. Besides, he remembered -to have heard it frequently surmised by the uninitiated in such -matters that by an understood arrangement between the seconds, -the pistols were seldom loaded with ball; and, furthermore, he -reflected that if he applied to Mr. Snodgrass to act as his second, -and depicted the danger in glowing terms, that gentleman might -possibly communicate the intelligence to Mr. Pickwick, who -would certainly lose no time in transmitting it to the local -authorities, and thus prevent the killing or maiming of his follower. - -Such were his thoughts when he returned to the coffee-room, -and intimated his intention of accepting the doctor's challenge. - -'Will you refer me to a friend, to arrange the time and place of -meeting?' said the officer. - -'Quite unnecessary,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'name them to me, -and I can procure the attendance of a friend afterwards.' - -'Shall we say--sunset this evening?' inquired the officer, in a -careless tone. - -'Very good,' replied Mr. Winkle, thinking in his heart it was -very bad. - -'You know Fort Pitt?' - -'Yes; I saw it yesterday.' - -'If you will take the trouble to turn into the field which borders -the trench, take the foot-path to the left when you arrive at an -angle of the fortification, and keep straight on, till you see me, I -will precede you to a secluded place, where the affair can be -conducted without fear of interruption.' - -'Fear of interruption!' thought Mr. Winkle. - -'Nothing more to arrange, I think,' said the officer. - -'I am not aware of anything more,' replied Mr. Winkle. -'Good-morning.' - -'Good-morning;' and the officer whistled a lively air as he -strode away. - -That morning's breakfast passed heavily off. Mr. Tupman was -not in a condition to rise, after the unwonted dissipation of the -previous night; Mr. Snodgrass appeared to labour under a -poetical depression of spirits; and even Mr. Pickwick evinced an -unusual attachment to silence and soda-water. Mr. Winkle -eagerly watched his opportunity: it was not long wanting. Mr. -Snodgrass proposed a visit to the castle, and as Mr. Winkle was -the only other member of the party disposed to walk, they went -out together. -'Snodgrass,' said Mr. Winkle, when they had turned out of the -public street. 'Snodgrass, my dear fellow, can I rely upon your -secrecy?' As he said this, he most devoutly and earnestly hoped -he could not. - -'You can,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. 'Hear me swear--' - -'No, no,' interrupted Winkle, terrified at the idea of his -companion's unconsciously pledging himself not to give information; -'don't swear, don't swear; it's quite unnecessary.' - -Mr. Snodgrass dropped the hand which he had, in the spirit of -poesy, raised towards the clouds as he made the above appeal, -and assumed an attitude of attention. - -'I want your assistance, my dear fellow, in an affair of -honour,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'You shall have it,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, clasping his friend's hand. - -'With a doctor--Doctor Slammer, of the 97th,' said Mr. -Winkle, wishing to make the matter appear as solemn as possible; -'an affair with an officer, seconded by another officer, at sunset -this evening, in a lonely field beyond Fort Pitt.' - -'I will attend you,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -He was astonished, but by no means dismayed. It is extraordinary -how cool any party but the principal can be in such cases. Mr. Winkle -had forgotten this. He had judged of his friend's feelings by his own. - -'The consequences may be dreadful,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I hope not,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'The doctor, I believe, is a very good shot,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Most of these military men are,' observed Mr. Snodgrass -calmly; 'but so are you, ain't you?' -Mr. Winkle replied in the affirmative; and perceiving that he -had not alarmed his companion sufficiently, changed his ground. - -'Snodgrass,' he said, in a voice tremulous with emotion, 'if I -fall, you will find in a packet which I shall place in your hands a -note for my-- for my father.' - -This attack was a failure also. Mr. Snodgrass was affected, but -he undertook the delivery of the note as readily as if he had been -a twopenny postman. - -'If I fall,' said Mr. Winkle, 'or if the doctor falls, you, my dear -friend, will be tried as an accessory before the fact. Shall I -involve my friend in transportation--possibly for life!' -Mr. Snodgrass winced a little at this, but his heroism was -invincible. 'In the cause of friendship,' he fervently exclaimed, 'I -would brave all dangers.' - -How Mr. Winkle cursed his companion's devoted friendship -internally, as they walked silently along, side by side, for some -minutes, each immersed in his own meditations! The morning -was wearing away; he grew desperate. - -'Snodgrass,' he said, stopping suddenly, 'do not let me be -balked in this matter--do not give information to the local -authorities--do not obtain the assistance of several peace -officers, to take either me or Doctor Slammer, of the 97th -Regiment, at present quartered in Chatham Barracks, into -custody, and thus prevent this duel!--I say, do not.' - -Mr. Snodgrass seized his friend's hand warmly, as he -enthusiastically replied, 'Not for worlds!' - -A thrill passed over Mr. Winkle's frame as the conviction that -he had nothing to hope from his friend's fears, and that he was -destined to become an animated target, rushed forcibly upon him. - -The state of the case having been formally explained to Mr. -Snodgrass, and a case of satisfactory pistols, with the satisfactory -accompaniments of powder, ball, and caps, having been hired -from a manufacturer in Rochester, the two friends returned to -their inn; Mr. Winkle to ruminate on the approaching struggle, -and Mr. Snodgrass to arrange the weapons of war, and put them -into proper order for immediate use. - -it was a dull and heavy evening when they again sallied forth -on their awkward errand. Mr. Winkle was muffled up in a huge -cloak to escape observation, and Mr. Snodgrass bore under his -the instruments of destruction. - -'Have you got everything?' said Mr. Winkle, in an agitated tone. - -'Everything,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; 'plenty of ammunition, in -case the shots don't take effect. There's a quarter of a pound of -powder in the case, and I have got two newspapers in my pocket -for the loadings.' - -These were instances of friendship for which any man might -reasonably feel most grateful. The presumption is, that the -gratitude of Mr. Winkle was too powerful for utterance, as he -said nothing, but continued to walk on--rather slowly. - -'We are in excellent time,' said Mr. Snodgrass, as they climbed -the fence of the first field;'the sun is just going down.' Mr. Winkle -looked up at the declining orb and painfully thought of the -probability of his 'going down' himself, before long. - -'There's the officer,' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, after a few minutes walking. -'Where?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'There--the gentleman in the blue cloak.' Mr. Snodgrass -looked in the direction indicated by the forefinger of his friend, -and observed a figure, muffled up, as he had described. The -officer evinced his consciousness of their presence by slightly -beckoning with his hand; and the two friends followed him at a -little distance, as he walked away. - -The evening grew more dull every moment, and a melancholy -wind sounded through the deserted fields, like a distant giant -whistling for his house-dog. The sadness of the scene imparted a -sombre tinge to the feelings of Mr. Winkle. He started as they -passed the angle of the trench--it looked like a colossal grave. - -The officer turned suddenly from the path, and after climbing a -paling, and scaling a hedge, entered a secluded field. Two gentlemen -were waiting in it; one was a little, fat man, with black hair; -and the other--a portly personage in a braided surtout--was -sitting with perfect equanimity on a camp-stool. - -'The other party, and a surgeon, I suppose,' said Mr. Snodgrass; -'take a drop of brandy.' Mr. Winkle seized the wicker -bottle which his friend proffered, and took a lengthened pull at -the exhilarating liquid. - -'My friend, Sir, Mr. Snodgrass,' said Mr. Winkle, as the officer -approached. Doctor Slammer's friend bowed, and produced a -case similar to that which Mr. Snodgrass carried. - -'We have nothing further to say, Sir, I think,' he coldly remarked, -as he opened the case; 'an apology has been resolutely declined.' - -'Nothing, Sir,' said Mr. Snodgrass, who began to feel rather -uncomfortable himself. - -'Will you step forward?' said the officer. - -'Certainly,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. The ground was measured, -and preliminaries arranged. -'You will find these better than your own,' said the opposite -second, producing his pistols. 'You saw me load them. Do you -object to use them?' - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. The offer relieved him -from considerable embarrassment, for his previous notions of -loading a pistol were rather vague and undefined. - -'We may place our men, then, I think,' observed the officer, -with as much indifference as if the principals were chess-men, and -the seconds players. - -'I think we may,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; who would have -assented to any proposition, because he knew nothing about the -matter. The officer crossed to Doctor Slammer, and Mr. Snodgrass -went up to Mr. Winkle. - -'It's all ready,' said he, offering the pistol. 'Give me your cloak.' - -'You have got the packet, my dear fellow,' said poor Winkle. -'All right,' said Mr. Snodgrass. 'Be steady, and wing him.' - -It occurred to Mr. Winkle that this advice was very like that -which bystanders invariably give to the smallest boy in a street -fight, namely, 'Go in, and win'--an admirable thing to recommend, -if you only know how to do it. He took off his cloak, -however, in silence--it always took a long time to undo that cloak ---and accepted the pistol. The seconds retired, the gentleman on -the camp-stool did the same, and the belligerents approached -each other. - -Mr. Winkle was always remarkable for extreme humanity. It is -conjectured that his unwillingness to hurt a fellow-creature -intentionally was the cause of his shutting his eyes when he -arrived at the fatal spot; and that the circumstance of his eyes -being closed, prevented his observing the very extraordinary and -unaccountable demeanour of Doctor Slammer. That gentleman -started, stared, retreated, rubbed his eyes, stared again, and, -finally, shouted, 'Stop, stop!' - -'What's all this?' said Doctor Slammer, as his friend and Mr. -Snodgrass came running up; 'that's not the man.' - -'Not the man!' said Doctor Slammer's second. - -'Not the man!' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Not the man!' said the gentleman with the camp-stool in his hand. - -'Certainly not,' replied the little doctor. 'That's not the person -who insulted me last night.' - -'Very extraordinary!' exclaimed the officer. - -'Very,' said the gentleman with the camp-stool. 'The only -question is, whether the gentleman, being on the ground, must -not be considered, as a matter of form, to be the individual who -insulted our friend, Doctor Slammer, yesterday evening, whether -he is really that individual or not;' and having delivered this -suggestion, with a very sage and mysterious air, the man with the -camp-stool took a large pinch of snuff, and looked profoundly -round, with the air of an authority in such matters. - -Now Mr. Winkle had opened his eyes, and his ears too, when -he heard his adversary call out for a cessation of hostilities; and -perceiving by what he had afterwards said that there was, beyond -all question, some mistake in the matter, he at once foresaw the -increase of reputation he should inevitably acquire by concealing -the real motive of his coming out; he therefore stepped boldly -forward, and said-- - -'I am not the person. I know it.' - -'Then, that,' said the man with the camp-stool, 'is an affront -to Doctor Slammer, and a sufficient reason for proceeding immediately.' - -'Pray be quiet, Payne,' said the doctor's second. 'Why did you -not communicate this fact to me this morning, Sir?' - -'To be sure--to be sure,' said the man with the camp-stool -indignantly. - -'I entreat you to be quiet, Payne,' said the other. 'May I repeat -my question, Sir?' - -'Because, Sir,' replied Mr. Winkle, who had had time to -deliberate upon his answer, 'because, Sir, you described an -intoxicated and ungentlemanly person as wearing a coat which I -have the honour, not only to wear but to have invented--the -proposed uniform, Sir, of the Pickwick Club in London. The -honour of that uniform I feel bound to maintain, and I therefore, -without inquiry, accepted the challenge which you offered me.' - -'My dear Sir,' said the good-humoured little doctor advancing -with extended hand, 'I honour your gallantry. Permit me to say, -Sir, that I highly admire your conduct, and extremely regret -having caused you the inconvenience of this meeting, to no purpose.' - -'I beg you won't mention it, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I shall feel proud of your acquaintance, Sir,' said the little doctor. - -'It will afford me the greatest pleasure to know you, sir,' replied -Mr. Winkle. Thereupon the doctor and Mr. Winkle shook -hands, and then Mr. Winkle and Lieutenant Tappleton (the -doctor's second), and then Mr. Winkle and the man with the -camp-stool, and, finally, Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass--the -last-named gentleman in an excess of admiration at the noble -conduct of his heroic friend. - -'I think we may adjourn,' said Lieutenant Tappleton. - -'Certainly,' added the doctor. - -'Unless,' interposed the man with the camp-stool, 'unless Mr. -Winkle feels himself aggrieved by the challenge; in which case, I -submit, he has a right to satisfaction.' - -Mr. Winkle, with great self-denial, expressed himself quite -satisfied already. -'Or possibly,' said the man with the camp-stool, 'the gentleman's -second may feel himself affronted with some observations -which fell from me at an early period of this meeting; if so, I shall -be happy to give him satisfaction immediately.' - -Mr. Snodgrass hastily professed himself very much obliged -with the handsome offer of the gentleman who had spoken last, -which he was only induced to decline by his entire contentment -with the whole proceedings. The two seconds adjusted the cases, -and the whole party left the ground in a much more lively -manner than they had proceeded to it. - -'Do you remain long here?' inquired Doctor Slammer of -Mr. Winkle, as they walked on most amicably together. - -'I think we shall leave here the day after to-morrow,' was the reply. - -'I trust I shall have the pleasure of seeing you and your friend -at my rooms, and of spending a pleasant evening with you, after -this awkward mistake,' said the little doctor; 'are you -disengaged this evening?' - -'We have some friends here,' replied Mr. Winkle, 'and I should -not like to leave them to-night. Perhaps you and your friend will -join us at the Bull.' - -'With great pleasure,' said the little doctor; 'will ten o'clock be -too late to look in for half an hour?' - -'Oh dear, no,' said Mr. Winkle. 'I shall be most happy to -introduce you to my friends, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman.' - -'It will give me great pleasure, I am sure,' replied Doctor -Slammer, little suspecting who Mr. Tupman was. - -'You will be sure to come?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Oh, certainly.' - -By this time they had reached the road. Cordial farewells were -exchanged, and the party separated. Doctor Slammer and his -friends repaired to the barracks, and Mr. Winkle, accompanied by -Mr. Snodgrass, returned to their inn. - - - -CHAPTER III -A NEW ACQUAINTANCE--THE STROLLER'S TALE--A - DISAGREEABLE INTERRUPTION, AND AN UNPLEASANT - ENCOUNTER - - -Mr. Pickwick had felt some apprehensions in consequence of the -unusual absence of his two friends, which their mysterious -behaviour during the whole morning had by no means tended to -diminish. It was, therefore, with more than ordinary pleasure -that he rose to greet them when they again entered; and with more -than ordinary interest that he inquired what had occurred to -detain them from his society. In reply to his questions on this -point, Mr. Snodgrass was about to offer an historical account of -the circumstances just now detailed, when he was suddenly checked -by observing that there were present, not only Mr. Tupman and -their stage-coach companion of the preceding day, but another -stranger of equally singular appearance. It was a careworn-looking -man, whose sallow face, and deeply-sunken eyes, were rendered -still more striking than Nature had made them, by the straight -black hair which hung in matted disorder half-way down his face. -His eyes were almost unnaturally bright and piercing; his -cheek-bones were high and prominent; and his jaws were so long and -lank, that an observer would have supposed that he was drawing the -flesh of his face in, for a moment, by some contraction of the -muscles, if his half-opened mouth and immovable expression had not -announced that it was his ordinary appearance. Round his neck he -wore a green shawl, with the large ends straggling over his chest, -and making their appearance occasionally beneath the worn -button-holes of his old waistcoat. His upper garment was a long -black surtout; and below it he wore wide drab trousers, and large -boots, running rapidly to seed. - -It was on this uncouth-looking person that Mr. Winkle's eye -rested, and it was towards him that Mr. Pickwick extended his -hand when he said, 'A friend of our friend's here. We discovered -this morning that our friend was connected with the theatre in -this place, though he is not desirous to have it generally known, -and this gentleman is a member of the same profession. He was -about to favour us with a little anecdote connected with it, when -you entered.' - -'Lots of anecdote,' said the green-coated stranger of the day -before, advancing to Mr. Winkle and speaking in a low and -confidential tone. 'Rum fellow--does the heavy business--no -actor--strange man--all sorts of miseries--Dismal Jemmy, we -call him on the circuit.' Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass politely -welcomed the gentleman, elegantly designated as 'Dismal -Jemmy'; and calling for brandy-and-water, in imitation of the -remainder of the company, seated themselves at the table. -'Now sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'will you oblige us by proceeding -with what you were going to relate?' - -The dismal individual took a dirty roll of paper from his -pocket, and turning to Mr. Snodgrass, who had just taken out -his note-book, said in a hollow voice, perfectly in keeping with his -outward man--'Are you the poet?' - -'I--I do a little in that way,' replied Mr. Snodgrass, rather -taken aback by the abruptness of the question. -'Ah! poetry makes life what light and music do the stage-- -strip the one of the false embellishments, and the other of its -illusions, and what is there real in either to live or care for?' - -'Very true, Sir,' replied Mr. Snodgrass. - -'To be before the footlights,' continued the dismal man, 'is like -sitting at a grand court show, and admiring the silken dresses of -the gaudy throng; to be behind them is to be the people who -make that finery, uncared for and unknown, and left to sink or -swim, to starve or live, as fortune wills it.' - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Snodgrass: for the sunken eye of the -dismal man rested on him, and he felt it necessary to say something. - -'Go on, Jemmy,' said the Spanish traveller, 'like black-eyed -Susan--all in the Downs--no croaking--speak out--look lively.' -'Will you make another glass before you begin, Sir ?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -The dismal man took the hint, and having mixed a glass of -brandy-and-water, and slowly swallowed half of it, opened the -roll of paper and proceeded, partly to read, and partly to relate, -the following incident, which we find recorded on the Transactions -of the Club as 'The Stroller's Tale.' - - - THE STROLLER'S TALE - -'There is nothing of the marvellous in what I am going to relate,' -said the dismal man; 'there is nothing even uncommon in it. -Want and sickness are too common in many stations of life to -deserve more notice than is usually bestowed on the most -ordinary vicissitudes of human nature. I have thrown these few -notes together, because the subject of them was well known to me -for many years. I traced his progress downwards, step by step, -until at last he reached that excess of destitution from which he -never rose again. - -'The man of whom I speak was a low pantomime actor; and, -like many people of his class, an habitual drunkard. in his better -days, before he had become enfeebled by dissipation and -emaciated by disease, he had been in the receipt of a good salary, -which, if he had been careful and prudent, he might have continued -to receive for some years--not many; because these men -either die early, or by unnaturally taxing their bodily energies, -lose, prematurely, those physical powers on which alone they can -depend for subsistence. His besetting sin gained so fast upon him, -however, that it was found impossible to employ him in the -situations in which he really was useful to the theatre. The -public-house had a fascination for him which he could not resist. -Neglected disease and hopeless poverty were as certain to be his -portion as death itself, if he persevered in the same course; yet he -did persevere, and the result may be guessed. He could obtain no -engagement, and he wanted bread. -'Everybody who is at all acquainted with theatrical matters -knows what a host of shabby, poverty-stricken men hang about -the stage of a large establishment--not regularly engaged actors, -but ballet people, procession men, tumblers, and so forth, who -are taken on during the run of a pantomime, or an Easter piece, -and are then discharged, until the production of some heavy -spectacle occasions a new demand for their services. To this -mode of life the man was compelled to resort; and taking the -chair every night, at some low theatrical house, at once put him -in possession of a few more shillings weekly, and enabled him to -gratify his old propensity. Even this resource shortly failed him; -his irregularities were too great to admit of his earning the -wretched pittance he might thus have procured, and he was -actually reduced to a state bordering on starvation, only procuring -a trifle occasionally by borrowing it of some old companion, -or by obtaining an appearance at one or other of the commonest -of the minor theatres; and when he did earn anything it was -spent in the old way. - -'About this time, and when he had been existing for upwards -of a year no one knew how, I had a short engagement at one of -the theatres on the Surrey side of the water, and here I saw this -man, whom I had lost sight of for some time; for I had been -travelling in the provinces, and he had been skulking in the lanes -and alleys of London. I was dressed to leave the house, and was -crossing the stage on my way out, when he tapped me on the -shoulder. Never shall I forget the repulsive sight that met my eye -when I turned round. He was dressed for the pantomimes in all -the absurdity of a clown's costume. The spectral figures in the -Dance of Death, the most frightful shapes that the ablest painter -ever portrayed on canvas, never presented an appearance half so -ghastly. His bloated body and shrunken legs--their deformity -enhanced a hundredfold by the fantastic dress--the glassy eyes, -contrasting fearfully with the thick white paint with which the -face was besmeared; the grotesquely-ornamented head, trembling -with paralysis, and the long skinny hands, rubbed with white -chalk--all gave him a hideous and unnatural appearance, of -which no description could convey an adequate idea, and which, -to this day, I shudder to think of. His voice was hollow and -tremulous as he took me aside, and in broken words recounted a -long catalogue of sickness and privations, terminating as usual -with an urgent request for the loan of a trifling sum of money. I -put a few shillings in his hand, and as I turned away I heard the -roar of laughter which followed his first tumble on the stage. -'A few nights afterwards, a boy put a dirty scrap of paper in -my hand, on which were scrawled a few words in pencil, -intimating that the man was dangerously ill, and begging me, after -the performance, to see him at his lodgings in some street--I -forget the name of it now--at no great distance from the theatre. -I promised to comply, as soon as I could get away; and after the -curtain fell, sallied forth on my melancholy errand. - -'It was late, for I had been playing in the last piece; and, as it -was a benefit night, the performances had been protracted to an -unusual length. It was a dark, cold night, with a chill, damp wind, -which blew the rain heavily against the windows and house- -fronts. Pools of water had collected in the narrow and little- -frequented streets, and as many of the thinly-scattered oil-lamps -had been blown out by the violence of the wind, the walk was not -only a comfortless, but most uncertain one. I had fortunately -taken the right course, however, and succeeded, after a little -difficulty, in finding the house to which I had been directed--a -coal-shed, with one Storey above it, in the back room of which -lay the object of my search. - -'A wretched-looking woman, the man's wife, met me on the -stairs, and, telling me that he had just fallen into a kind of doze, -led me softly in, and placed a chair for me at the bedside. The sick -man was lying with his face turned towards the wall; and as he -took no heed of my presence, I had leisure to observe the place in -which I found myself. - -'He was lying on an old bedstead, which turned up during the -day. The tattered remains of a checked curtain were drawn round -the bed's head, to exclude the wind, which, however, made its -way into the comfortless room through the numerous chinks in -the door, and blew it to and fro every instant. There was a low -cinder fire in a rusty, unfixed grate; and an old three-cornered -stained table, with some medicine bottles, a broken glass, and a -few other domestic articles, was drawn out before it. A little child -was sleeping on a temporary bed which had been made for it on -the floor, and the woman sat on a chair by its side. There were -a couple of shelves, with a few plates and cups and saucers; and -a pair of stage shoes and a couple of foils hung beneath them. -With the exception of little heaps of rags and bundles which had -been carelessly thrown into the corners of the room, these were -the only things in the apartment. - -'I had had time to note these little particulars, and to mark the -heavy breathing and feverish startings of the sick man, before he -was aware of my presence. In the restless attempts to procure -some easy resting-place for his head, he tossed his hand out of the -bed, and it fell on mine. He started up, and stared eagerly in my face. - -'"Mr. Hutley, John," said his wife; "Mr. Hutley, that you sent -for to-night, you know." - -'"Ah!" said the invalid, passing his hand across his forehead; -"Hutley--Hutley--let me see." He seemed endeavouring to -collect his thoughts for a few seconds, and then grasping me -tightly by the wrist said, "Don't leave me--don't leave me, old -fellow. She'll murder me; I know she will." - -'"Has he been long so?" said I, addressing his weeping wife. - -'"Since yesterday night," she replied. "John, John, don't you -know me?" -'"Don't let her come near me," said the man, with a shudder, -as she stooped over him. "Drive her away; I can't bear her near -me." He stared wildly at her, with a look of deadly apprehension, -and then whispered in my ear, "I beat her, Jem; I beat her -yesterday, and many times before. I have starved her and the boy -too; and now I am weak and helpless, Jem, she'll murder me for -it; I know she will. If you'd seen her cry, as I have, you'd know it -too. Keep her off." He relaxed his grasp, and sank back exhausted -on the pillow. -'I knew but too well what all this meant. If I could have -entertained any doubt of it, for an instant, one glance at the -woman's pale face and wasted form would have sufficiently -explained the real state of the case. "You had better stand aside," -said I to the poor creature. "You can do him no good. Perhaps he -will be calmer, if he does not see you." She retired out of the -man's sight. He opened his eyes after a few seconds, and looked -anxiously round. - -'"Is she gone?" he eagerly inquired. - -'"Yes--yes," said I; "she shall not hurt you." - -'"I'll tell you what, Jem," said the man, in a low voice, "she -does hurt me. There's something in her eyes wakes such a dreadful -fear in my heart, that it drives me mad. All last night, her large, -staring eyes and pale face were close to mine; wherever I turned, -they turned; and whenever I started up from my sleep, she was at -the bedside looking at me." He drew me closer to him, as he said -in a deep alarmed whisper, "Jem, she must be an evil spirit--a -devil! Hush! I know she is. If she had been a woman she would -have died long ago. No woman could have borne what she has." - -'I sickened at the thought of the long course of cruelty and -neglect which must have occurred to produce such an impression -on such a man. I could say nothing in reply; for who could offer -hope, or consolation, to the abject being before me? - -'I sat there for upwards of two hours, during which time he -tossed about, murmuring exclamations of pain or impatience, -restlessly throwing his arms here and there, and turning -constantly from side to side. At length he fell into that state of partial -unconsciousness, in which the mind wanders uneasily from scene -to scene, and from place to place, without the control of reason, -but still without being able to divest itself of an indescribable -sense of present suffering. Finding from his incoherent wanderings -that this was the case, and knowing that in all probability the -fever would not grow immediately worse, I left him, promising -his miserable wife that I would repeat my visit next evening, and, -if necessary, sit up with the patient during the night. - -'I kept my promise. The last four-and-twenty hours had -produced a frightful alteration. The eyes, though deeply sunk -and heavy, shone with a lustre frightful to behold. The lips were -parched, and cracked in many places; the hard, dry skin glowed -with a burning heat; and there was an almost unearthly air of -wild anxiety in the man's face, indicating even more strongly the -ravages of the disease. The fever was at its height. - -'I took the seat I had occupied the night before, and there I sat -for hours, listening to sounds which must strike deep to the heart -of the most callous among human beings--the awful ravings of a -dying man. From what I had heard of the medical attendant's -opinion, I knew there was no hope for him: I was sitting by his -death-bed. I saw the wasted limbs--which a few hours before -had been distorted for the amusement of a boisterous gallery, -writhing under the tortures of a burning fever--I heard the -clown's shrill laugh, blending with the low murmurings of the -dying man. - -'It is a touching thing to hear the mind reverting to the -ordinary occupations and pursuits of health, when the body lies -before you weak and helpless; but when those occupations are of -a character the most strongly opposed to anything we associate -with grave and solemn ideas, the impression produced is -infinitely more powerful. The theatre and the public-house were the -chief themes of the wretched man's wanderings. It was evening, -he fancied; he had a part to play that night; it was late, and he -must leave home instantly. Why did they hold him, and prevent -his going?--he should lose the money--he must go. No! they -would not let him. He hid his face in his burning hands, and -feebly bemoaned his own weakness, and the cruelty of his -persecutors. A short pause, and he shouted out a few doggerel -rhymes--the last he had ever learned. He rose in bed, drew up -his withered limbs, and rolled about in uncouth positions; he was -acting--he was at the theatre. A minute's silence, and he murmured -the burden of some roaring song. He had reached the old -house at last--how hot the room was. He had been ill, very ill, -but he was well now, and happy. Fill up his glass. Who was that, -that dashed it from his lips? It was the same persecutor that had -followed him before. He fell back upon his pillow and moaned -aloud. A short period of oblivion, and he was wandering through -a tedious maze of low-arched rooms--so low, sometimes, that he -must creep upon his hands and knees to make his way along; it -was close and dark, and every way he turned, some obstacle -impeded his progress. There were insects, too, hideous crawling -things, with eyes that stared upon him, and filled the very air -around, glistening horribly amidst the thick darkness of the place. -The walls and ceiling were alive with reptiles--the vault expanded -to an enormous size--frightful figures flitted to and fro--and the -faces of men he knew, rendered hideous by gibing and mouthing, -peered out from among them; they were searing him with -heated irons, and binding his head with cords till the blood -started; and he struggled madly for life. - -'At the close of one of these paroxysms, when I had with great -difficulty held him down in his bed, he sank into what appeared -to be a slumber. Overpowered with watching and exertion, I had -closed my eyes for a few minutes, when I felt a violent clutch on -my shoulder. I awoke instantly. He had raised himself up, so as to -seat himself in bed--a dreadful change had come over his face, -but consciousness had returned, for he evidently knew me. The -child, who had been long since disturbed by his ravings, rose -from its little bed, and ran towards its father, screaming with -fright--the mother hastily caught it in her arms, lest he should -injure it in the violence of his insanity; but, terrified by the -alteration of his features, stood transfixed by the bedside. He -grasped my shoulder convulsively, and, striking his breast with -the other hand, made a desperate attempt to articulate. It was -unavailing; he extended his arm towards them, and made another -violent effort. There was a rattling noise in the throat--a glare of -the eye--a short stifled groan--and he fell back--dead!' - - -It would afford us the highest gratification to be enabled to -record Mr. Pickwick's opinion of the foregoing anecdote. We -have little doubt that we should have been enabled to present it -to our readers, but for a most unfortunate occurrence. - -Mr. Pickwick had replaced on the table the glass which, during -the last few sentences of the tale, he had retained in his hand; -and had just made up his mind to speak--indeed, we have the -authority of Mr. Snodgrass's note-book for stating, that he had -actually opened his mouth--when the waiter entered the room, -and said-- - -'Some gentlemen, Sir.' - -It has been conjectured that Mr. Pickwick was on the point of -delivering some remarks which would have enlightened the -world, if not the Thames, when he was thus interrupted; for he -gazed sternly on the waiter's countenance, and then looked round -on the company generally, as if seeking for information relative -to the new-comers. - -'Oh!' said Mr. Winkle, rising, 'some friends of mine--show -them in. Very pleasant fellows,' added Mr. Winkle, after the -waiter had retired--'officers of the 97th, whose acquaintance I -made rather oddly this morning. You will like them very much.' - -Mr. Pickwick's equanimity was at once restored. The waiter -returned, and ushered three gentlemen into the room. - -'Lieutenant Tappleton,' said Mr. Winkle, 'Lieutenant Tappleton, -Mr. Pickwick--Doctor Payne, Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Snodgrass -you have seen before, my friend Mr. Tupman, Doctor -Payne--Doctor Slammer, Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Tupman, Doctor -Slam--' - -Here Mr. Winkle suddenly paused; for strong emotion was -visible on the countenance both of Mr. Tupman and the doctor. - -'I have met THIS gentleman before,' said the Doctor, with -marked emphasis. - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'And--and that person, too, if I am not mistaken,' said the -doctor, bestowing a scrutinising glance on the green-coated -stranger. 'I think I gave that person a very pressing invitation last -night, which he thought proper to decline.' Saying which the -doctor scowled magnanimously on the stranger, and whispered -his friend Lieutenant Tappleton. - -'You don't say so,' said that gentleman, at the conclusion of -the whisper. - -'I do, indeed,' replied Doctor Slammer. - -'You are bound to kick him on the spot,' murmured the -owner of the camp-stool, with great importance. - -'Do be quiet, Payne,' interposed the lieutenant. 'Will you -allow me to ask you, sir,' he said, addressing Mr. Pickwick, who -was considerably mystified by this very unpolite by-play--'will -you allow me to ask you, Sir, whether that person belongs to your party?' - -'No, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'he is a guest of ours.' - -'He is a member of your club, or I am mistaken?' said the -lieutenant inquiringly. - -'Certainly not,' responded Mr. Pickwick. - -'And never wears your club-button?' said the lieutenant. - -'No--never!' replied the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -Lieutenant Tappleton turned round to his friend Doctor -Slammer, with a scarcely perceptible shrug of the shoulder, as if -implying some doubt of the accuracy of his recollection. The little -doctor looked wrathful, but confounded; and Mr. Payne gazed -with a ferocious aspect on the beaming countenance of the -unconscious Pickwick. - -'Sir,' said the doctor, suddenly addressing Mr. Tupman, in a -tone which made that gentleman start as perceptibly as if a pin -had been cunningly inserted in the calf of his leg, 'you were at the -ball here last night!' - -Mr. Tupman gasped a faint affirmative, looking very hard at -Mr. Pickwick all the while. - -'That person was your companion,' said the doctor, pointing -to the still unmoved stranger. - -Mr. Tupman admitted the fact. - -'Now, sir,' said the doctor to the stranger, 'I ask you once -again, in the presence of these gentlemen, whether you choose to -give me your card, and to receive the treatment of a gentleman; -or whether you impose upon me the necessity of personally -chastising you on the spot?' - -'Stay, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I really cannot allow this matter -to go any further without some explanation. Tupman, recount the -circumstances.' - -Mr. Tupman, thus solemnly adjured, stated the case in a few -words; touched slightly on the borrowing of the coat; expatiated -largely on its having been done 'after dinner'; wound up with a -little penitence on his own account; and left the stranger to clear -himself as best he could. - -He was apparently about to proceed to do so, when Lieutenant -Tappleton, who had been eyeing him with great curiosity, said -with considerable scorn, 'Haven't I seen you at the theatre, Sir?' - -'Certainly,' replied the unabashed stranger. - -'He is a strolling actor!' said the lieutenant contemptuously, -turning to Doctor Slammer.--'He acts in the piece that the -officers of the 52nd get up at the Rochester Theatre to-morrow -night. You cannot proceed in this affair, Slammer--impossible!' - -'Quite!' said the dignified Payne. - -'Sorry to have placed you in this disagreeable situation,' said -Lieutenant Tappleton, addressing Mr. Pickwick; 'allow me to -suggest, that the best way of avoiding a recurrence of such scenes -in future will be to be more select in the choice of your companions. -Good-evening, Sir!' and the lieutenant bounced out of the room. - -'And allow me to say, Sir,' said the irascible Doctor Payne, -'that if I had been Tappleton, or if I had been Slammer, I would -have pulled your nose, Sir, and the nose of every man in this -company. I would, sir--every man. Payne is my name, sir-- -Doctor Payne of the 43rd. Good-evening, Sir.' Having concluded -this speech, and uttered the last three words in a loud key, he -stalked majestically after his friend, closely followed by Doctor -Slammer, who said nothing, but contented himself by withering -the company with a look. -Rising rage and extreme bewilderment had swelled the noble -breast of Mr. Pickwick, almost to the bursting of his waistcoat, -during the delivery of the above defiance. He stood transfixed to -the spot, gazing on vacancy. The closing of the door recalled him -to himself. He rushed forward with fury in his looks, and fire in -his eye. His hand was upon the lock of the door; in another -instant it would have been on the throat of Doctor Payne of the -43rd, had not Mr. Snodgrass seized his revered leader by the coat -tail, and dragged him backwards. - -'Restrain him,' cried Mr. Snodgrass; 'Winkle, Tupman--he -must not peril his distinguished life in such a cause as this.' - -'Let me go,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hold him tight,' shouted Mr. Snodgrass; and by the united -efforts of the whole company, Mr. Pickwick was forced into an arm-chair. -'Leave him alone,' said the green-coated stranger; 'brandy- -and-water--jolly old gentleman--lots of pluck--swallow this-- -ah!--capital stuff.' Having previously tested the virtues of a -bumper, which had been mixed by the dismal man, the stranger -applied the glass to Mr. Pickwick's mouth; and the remainder of -its contents rapidly disappeared. - -There was a short pause; the brandy-and-water had done its -work; the amiable countenance of Mr. Pickwick was fast -recovering its customary expression. - -'They are not worth your notice,' said the dismal man. - -'You are right, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'they are not. I am -ashamed to have been betrayed into this warmth of feeling. Draw -your chair up to the table, Sir.' - -The dismal man readily complied; a circle was again formed -round the table, and harmony once more prevailed. Some -lingering irritability appeared to find a resting-place in Mr. -Winkle's bosom, occasioned possibly by the temporary abstraction -of his coat--though it is scarcely reasonable to suppose that -so slight a circumstance can have excited even a passing feeling of -anger in a Pickwickian's breast. With this exception, their good- -humour was completely restored; and the evening concluded -with the conviviality with which it had begun. - - - -CHAPTER IV -A FIELD DAY AND BIVOUAC--MORE NEW FRIENDS--AN - INVITATION TO THE COUNTRY - - -Many authors entertain, not only a foolish, but a really dishonest -objection to acknowledge the sources whence they derive much -valuable information. We have no such feeling. We are merely -endeavouring to discharge, in an upright manner, the responsible -duties of our editorial functions; and whatever ambition we might -have felt under other circumstances to lay claim to the authorship -of these adventures, a regard for truth forbids us to do more -than claim the merit of their judicious arrangement and impartial -narration. The Pickwick papers are our New River Head; and we may -be compared to the New River Company. The labours of others have -raised for us an immense reservoir of important facts. We merely -lay them on, and communicate them, in a clear and gentle stream, -through the medium of these pages, to a world thirsting for -Pickwickian knowledge. - -Acting in this spirit, and resolutely proceeding on our -determination to avow our obligations to the authorities we have -consulted, we frankly say, that to the note-book of Mr. Snodgrass -are we indebted for the particulars recorded in this and the -succeeding chapter--particulars which, now that we have disburdened -our consciences, we shall proceed to detail without further comment. - -The whole population of Rochester and the adjoining towns -rose from their beds at an early hour of the following morning, -in a state of the utmost bustle and excitement. A grand -review was to take place upon the lines. The manoeuvres of half -a dozen regiments were to be inspected by the eagle eye of -the commander-in-chief; temporary fortifications had been -erected, the citadel was to be attacked and taken, and a mine was -to be sprung. - -Mr. Pickwick was, as our readers may have gathered from the -slight extract we gave from his description of Chatham, an -enthusiastic admirer of the army. Nothing could have been more -delightful to him--nothing could have harmonised so well with -the peculiar feeling of each of his companions--as this sight. -Accordingly they were soon afoot, and walking in the direction -of the scene of action, towards which crowds of people were -already pouring from a variety of quarters. - -The appearance of everything on the lines denoted that the -approaching ceremony was one of the utmost grandeur and -importance. There were sentries posted to keep the ground for -the troops, and servants on the batteries keeping places for the -ladies, and sergeants running to and fro, with vellum-covered -books under their arms, and Colonel Bulder, in full military -uniform, on horseback, galloping first to one place and then to -another, and backing his horse among the people, and prancing, -and curvetting, and shouting in a most alarming manner, and -making himself very hoarse in the voice, and very red in the face, -without any assignable cause or reason whatever. Officers were -running backwards and forwards, first communicating with -Colonel Bulder, and then ordering the sergeants, and then -running away altogether; and even the very privates themselves -looked from behind their glazed stocks with an air of mysterious -solemnity, which sufficiently bespoke the special nature of the occasion. - -Mr. Pickwick and his three companions stationed themselves -in the front of the crowd, and patiently awaited the commencement -of the proceedings. The throng was increasing every -moment; and the efforts they were compelled to make, to retain -the position they had gained, sufficiently occupied their attention -during the two hours that ensued. At one time there was a sudden -pressure from behind, and then Mr. Pickwick was jerked forward -for several yards, with a degree of speed and elasticity highly -inconsistent with the general gravity of his demeanour; at -another moment there was a request to 'keep back' from the -front, and then the butt-end of a musket was either dropped -upon Mr. Pickwick's toe, to remind him of the demand, or -thrust into his chest, to insure its being complied with. Then some -facetious gentlemen on the left, after pressing sideways in a body, -and squeezing Mr. Snodgrass into the very last extreme of human -torture, would request to know 'vere he vos a shovin' to'; and -when Mr. Winkle had done expressing his excessive indignation -at witnessing this unprovoked assault, some person behind -would knock his hat over his eyes, and beg the favour of his -putting his head in his pocket. These, and other practical -witticisms, coupled with the unaccountable absence of Mr. -Tupman (who had suddenly disappeared, and was nowhere to be -found), rendered their situation upon the whole rather more -uncomfortable than pleasing or desirable. - -At length that low roar of many voices ran through the crowd -which usually announces the arrival of whatever they have been -waiting for. All eyes were turned in the direction of the sally-port. -A few moments of eager expectation, and colours were seen -fluttering gaily in the air, arms glistened brightly in the sun, -column after column poured on to the plain. The troops halted -and formed; the word of command rang through the line; there -was a general clash of muskets as arms were presented; and the -commander-in-chief, attended by Colonel Bulder and numerous -officers, cantered to the front. The military bands struck up -altogether; the horses stood upon two legs each, cantered backwards, -and whisked their tails about in all directions; the dogs -barked, the mob screamed, the troops recovered, and nothing -was to be seen on either side, as far as the eye could reach, but a -long perspective of red coats and white trousers, fixed and motionless. - -Mr. Pickwick had been so fully occupied in falling about, and -disentangling himself, miraculously, from between the legs of -horses, that he had not enjoyed sufficient leisure to observe the -scene before him, until it assumed the appearance we have just -described. When he was at last enabled to stand firmly on his legs, -his gratification and delight were unbounded. - -'Can anything be finer or more delightful?' he inquired of -Mr. Winkle. - -'Nothing,' replied that gentleman, who had had a short man -standing on each of his feet for the quarter of an hour -immediately preceding. -'It is indeed a noble and a brilliant sight,' said Mr. Snodgrass, -in whose bosom a blaze of poetry was rapidly bursting forth, 'to -see the gallant defenders of their country drawn up in brilliant -array before its peaceful citizens; their faces beaming--not with -warlike ferocity, but with civilised gentleness; their eyes flashing ---not with the rude fire of rapine or revenge, but with the soft -light of humanity and intelligence.' - -Mr. Pickwick fully entered into the spirit of this eulogium, but -he could not exactly re-echo its terms; for the soft light of -intelligence burned rather feebly in the eyes of the warriors, -inasmuch as the command 'eyes front' had been given, and all -the spectator saw before him was several thousand pair of optics, -staring straight forward, wholly divested of any expression whatever. - -'We are in a capital situation now,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking -round him. The crowd had gradually dispersed in their -immediate vicinity, and they were nearly alone. - -'Capital!' echoed both Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle. - -'What are they doing now?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, adjusting -his spectacles. - -'I--I--rather think,' said Mr. Winkle, changing colour--'I -rather think they're going to fire.' - -'Nonsense,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'I--I--really think they are,' urged Mr. Snodgrass, somewhat -alarmed. - -'Impossible,' replied Mr. Pickwick. He had hardly uttered the -word, when the whole half-dozen regiments levelled their muskets -as if they had but one common object, and that object the -Pickwickians, and burst forth with the most awful and tremendous -discharge that ever shook the earth to its centres, or an -elderly gentleman off his. - -It was in this trying situation, exposed to a galling fire of blank -cartridges, and harassed by the operations of the military, a fresh -body of whom had begun to fall in on the opposite side, that -Mr. Pickwick displayed that perfect coolness and self-possession, -which are the indispensable accompaniments of a great mind. He -seized Mr. Winkle by the arm, and placing himself between that -gentleman and Mr. Snodgrass, earnestly besought them to -remember that beyond the possibility of being rendered deaf by -the noise, there was no immediate danger to be apprehended -from the firing. - -'But--but--suppose some of the men should happen to have -ball cartridges by mistake,' remonstrated Mr. Winkle, pallid at -the supposition he was himself conjuring up. 'I heard something -whistle through the air now--so sharp; close to my ear.' -'We had better throw ourselves on our faces, hadn't we?' said -Mr. Snodgrass. - -'No, no--it's over now,' said Mr. Pickwick. His lip might -quiver, and his cheek might blanch, but no expression of fear or -concern escaped the lips of that immortal man. - -Mr. Pickwick was right--the firing ceased; but he had scarcely -time to congratulate himself on the accuracy of his opinion, when -a quick movement was visible in the line; the hoarse shout of the -word of command ran along it, and before either of the party -could form a guess at the meaning of this new manoeuvre, the -whole of the half-dozen regiments, with fixed bayonets, charged -at double-quick time down upon the very spot on which Mr. -Pickwick and his friends were stationed. -Man is but mortal; and there is a point beyond which human -courage cannot extend. Mr. Pickwick gazed through his spectacles -for an instant on the advancing mass, and then fairly turned his -back and--we will not say fled; firstly, because it is an ignoble -term, and, secondly, because Mr. Pickwick's figure was by no -means adapted for that mode of retreat--he trotted away, at as -quick a rate as his legs would convey him; so quickly, indeed, -that he did not perceive the awkwardness of his situation, to the -full extent, until too late. - -The opposite troops, whose falling-in had perplexed Mr. -Pickwick a few seconds before, were drawn up to repel the mimic -attack of the sham besiegers of the citadel; and the consequence -was that Mr. Pickwick and his two companions found themselves -suddenly inclosed between two lines of great length, the one -advancing at a rapid pace, and the other firmly waiting the -collision in hostile array. - -'Hoi!' shouted the officers of the advancing line. - -'Get out of the way!' cried the officers of the stationary one. - -'Where are we to go to?' screamed the agitated Pickwickians. - -'Hoi--hoi--hoi!' was the only reply. There was a moment of -intense bewilderment, a heavy tramp of footsteps, a violent -concussion, a smothered laugh; the half-dozen regiments were -half a thousand yards off, and the soles of Mr. Pickwick's boots -were elevated in air. - -Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle had each performed a -compulsory somerset with remarkable agility, when the first object -that met the eyes of the latter as he sat on the ground, staunching -with a yellow silk handkerchief the stream of life which issued -from his nose, was his venerated leader at some distance off, -running after his own hat, which was gambolling playfully away -in perspective. - -There are very few moments in a man's existence when he -experiences so much ludicrous distress, or meets with so little -charitable commiseration, as when he is in pursuit of his own hat. -A vast deal of coolness, and a peculiar degree of judgment, are -requisite in catching a hat. A man must not be precipitate, or he -runs over it; he must not rush into the opposite extreme, or he -loses it altogether. The best way is to keep gently up with the -object of pursuit, to be wary and cautious, to watch your opportunity -well, get gradually before it, then make a rapid dive, seize it -by the crown, and stick it firmly on your head; smiling pleasantly -all the time, as if you thought it as good a joke as anybody else. - -There was a fine gentle wind, and Mr. Pickwick's hat rolled -sportively before it. The wind puffed, and Mr. Pickwick puffed, -and the hat rolled over and over as merrily as a lively porpoise -in a strong tide: and on it might have rolled, far beyond -Mr. Pickwick's reach, had not its course been providentially -stopped, just as that gentleman was on the point of resigning it -to its fate. - -Mr. Pickwick, we say, was completely exhausted, and about to -give up the chase, when the hat was blown with some violence -against the wheel of a carriage, which was drawn up in a line with -half a dozen other vehicles on the spot to which his steps had been -directed. Mr. Pickwick, perceiving his advantage, darted briskly -forward, secured his property, planted it on his head, and paused -to take breath. He had not been stationary half a minute, when -he heard his own name eagerly pronounced by a voice, which he -at once recognised as Mr. Tupman's, and, looking upwards, he -beheld a sight which filled him with surprise and pleasure. - -in an open barouche, the horses of which had been taken out, -the better to accommodate it to the crowded place, stood a stout -old gentleman, in a blue coat and bright buttons, corduroy -breeches and top-boots, two young ladies in scarfs and feathers, a -young gentleman apparently enamoured of one of the young -ladies in scarfs and feathers, a lady of doubtful age, probably the -aunt of the aforesaid, and Mr. Tupman, as easy and unconcerned -as if he had belonged to the family from the first moments of his -infancy. Fastened up behind the barouche was a hamper of -spacious dimensions--one of those hampers which always -awakens in a contemplative mind associations connected with -cold fowls, tongues, and bottles of wine--and on the box sat a -fat and red-faced boy, in a state of somnolency, whom no -speculative observer could have regarded for an instant without -setting down as the official dispenser of the contents of the -before-mentioned hamper, when the proper time for their -consumption should arrive. - -Mr. Pickwick had bestowed a hasty glance on these interesting -objects, when he was again greeted by his faithful disciple. - -'Pickwick--Pickwick,' said Mr. Tupman; 'come up here. Make haste.' - -'Come along, Sir. Pray, come up,' said the stout gentleman. -'Joe!--damn that boy, he's gone to sleep again.--Joe, let down -the steps.' The fat boy rolled slowly off the box, let down the -steps, and held the carriage door invitingly open. Mr. Snodgrass -and Mr. Winkle came up at the moment. - -'Room for you all, gentlemen,' said the stout man. 'Two inside, -and one out. Joe, make room for one of these gentlemen on the -box. Now, Sir, come along;' and the stout gentleman extended -his arm, and pulled first Mr. Pickwick, and then Mr. Snodgrass, -into the barouche by main force. Mr. Winkle mounted to the -box, the fat boy waddled to the same perch, and fell fast asleep -instantly. - -'Well, gentlemen,' said the stout man, 'very glad to see you. -Know you very well, gentlemen, though you mayn't remember -me. I spent some ev'nin's at your club last winter--picked up my -friend Mr. Tupman here this morning, and very glad I was to see -him. Well, Sir, and how are you? You do look uncommon well, -to be sure.' - -Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment, and cordially -shook hands with the stout gentleman in the top-boots. - -'Well, and how are you, sir?' said the stout gentleman, -addressing Mr. Snodgrass with paternal anxiety. 'Charming, eh? -Well, that's right--that's right. And how are you, sir (to Mr. -Winkle)? Well, I am glad to hear you say you are well; very glad -I am, to be sure. My daughters, gentlemen--my gals these are; -and that's my sister, Miss Rachael Wardle. She's a Miss, she is; -and yet she ain't a Miss--eh, Sir, eh?' And the stout gentleman -playfully inserted his elbow between the ribs of Mr. Pickwick, and -laughed very heartily. - -'Lor, brother!' said Miss Wardle, with a deprecating smile. - -'True, true,' said the stout gentleman; 'no one can deny it. -Gentlemen, I beg your pardon; this is my friend Mr. Trundle. -And now you all know each other, let's be comfortable and -happy, and see what's going forward; that's what I say.' So the -stout gentleman put on his spectacles, and Mr. Pickwick pulled -out his glass, and everybody stood up in the carriage, and looked -over somebody else's shoulder at the evolutions of the military. - -Astounding evolutions they were, one rank firing over the -heads of another rank, and then running away; and then the -other rank firing over the heads of another rank, and running -away in their turn; and then forming squares, with officers in the -centre; and then descending the trench on one side with scaling- -ladders, and ascending it on the other again by the same means; -and knocking down barricades of baskets, and behaving in the -most gallant manner possible. Then there was such a ramming -down of the contents of enormous guns on the battery, with -instruments like magnified mops; such a preparation before they -were let off, and such an awful noise when they did go, that the -air resounded with the screams of ladies. The young Misses -Wardle were so frightened, that Mr. Trundle was actually obliged -to hold one of them up in the carriage, while Mr. Snodgrass -supported the other; and Mr. Wardle's sister suffered under such -a dreadful state of nervous alarm, that Mr. Tupman found it -indispensably necessary to put his arm round her waist, to keep -her up at all. Everybody was excited, except the fat boy, and he -slept as soundly as if the roaring of cannon were his ordinary lullaby. - -'Joe, Joe!' said the stout gentleman, when the citadel was -taken, and the besiegers and besieged sat down to dinner. 'Damn -that boy, he's gone to sleep again. Be good enough to pinch him, -sir--in the leg, if you please; nothing else wakes him--thank you. -Undo the hamper, Joe.' - -The fat boy, who had been effectually roused by the -compression of a portion of his leg between the finger and thumb of -Mr. Winkle, rolled off the box once again, and proceeded to -unpack the hamper with more expedition than could have been -expected from his previous inactivity. - -'Now we must sit close,' said the stout gentleman. After a -great many jokes about squeezing the ladies' sleeves, and a vast -quantity of blushing at sundry jocose proposals, that the ladies -should sit in the gentlemen's laps, the whole party were stowed -down in the barouche; and the stout gentleman proceeded to -hand the things from the fat boy (who had mounted up behind -for the purpose) into the carriage. - -'Now, Joe, knives and forks.' The knives and forks were -handed in, and the ladies and gentlemen inside, and Mr. Winkle -on the box, were each furnished with those useful instruments. - -'Plates, Joe, plates.' A similar process employed in the -distribution of the crockery. - -'Now, Joe, the fowls. Damn that boy; he's gone to sleep again. -Joe! Joe!' (Sundry taps on the head with a stick, and the fat boy, -with some difficulty, roused from his lethargy.) 'Come, hand in -the eatables.' - -There was something in the sound of the last word which -roused the unctuous boy. He jumped up, and the leaden eyes -which twinkled behind his mountainous cheeks leered horribly -upon the food as he unpacked it from the basket. - -'Now make haste,' said Mr. Wardle; for the fat boy was -hanging fondly over a capon, which he seemed wholly unable to -part with. The boy sighed deeply, and, bestowing an ardent gaze -upon its plumpness, unwillingly consigned it to his master. - -'That's right--look sharp. Now the tongue--now the pigeon -pie. Take care of that veal and ham--mind the lobsters--take the -salad out of the cloth--give me the dressing.' Such were the -hurried orders which issued from the lips of Mr. Wardle, as he -handed in the different articles described, and placed dishes in -everybody's hands, and on everybody's knees, in endless number. -'Now ain't this capital?' inquired that jolly personage, when -the work of destruction had commenced. - -'Capital!' said Mr. Winkle, who was carving a fowl on the box. - -'Glass of wine?' - -'With the greatest pleasure.' -'You'd better have a bottle to yourself up there, hadn't you?' - -'You're very good.' - -'Joe!' - -'Yes, Sir.' (He wasn't asleep this time, having just succeeded in -abstracting a veal patty.) - -'Bottle of wine to the gentleman on the box. Glad to see you, Sir.' - -'Thank'ee.' Mr. Winkle emptied his glass, and placed the bottle -on the coach-box, by his side. - -'Will you permit me to have the pleasure, Sir?' said Mr. Trundle -to Mr. Winkle. - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Winkle to Mr. Trundle, -and then the two gentlemen took wine, after which they took a -glass of wine round, ladies and all. - -'How dear Emily is flirting with the strange gentleman,' -whispered the spinster aunt, with true spinster-aunt-like envy, to -her brother, Mr. Wardle. - -'Oh! I don't know,' said the jolly old gentleman; 'all very -natural, I dare say--nothing unusual. Mr. Pickwick, some wine, -Sir?' Mr. Pickwick, who had been deeply investigating the -interior of the pigeon-pie, readily assented. - -'Emily, my dear,' said the spinster aunt, with a patronising air, -'don't talk so loud, love.' - -'Lor, aunt!' - -'Aunt and the little old gentleman want to have it all to -themselves, I think,' whispered Miss Isabella Wardle to her sister -Emily. The young ladies laughed very heartily, and the old one -tried to look amiable, but couldn't manage it. - -'Young girls have such spirits,' said Miss Wardle to Mr. Tupman, -with an air of gentle commiseration, as if animal spirits -were contraband, and their possession without a permit a high -crime and misdemeanour. - -'Oh, they have,' replied Mr. Tupman, not exactly making the -sort of reply that was expected from him. 'It's quite delightful.' - -'Hem!' said Miss Wardle, rather dubiously. - -'Will you permit me?' said Mr. Tupman, in his blandest -manner, touching the enchanting Rachael's wrist with one hand, -and gently elevating the bottle with the other. 'Will you permit me?' - -'Oh, sir!' Mr. Tupman looked most impressive; and Rachael -expressed her fear that more guns were going off, in which case, -of course, she should have required support again. - -'Do you think my dear nieces pretty?' whispered their -affectionate aunt to Mr. Tupman. - -'I should, if their aunt wasn't here,' replied the ready -Pickwickian, with a passionate glance. - -'Oh, you naughty man--but really, if their complexions were a -little better, don't you think they would be nice-looking girls-- -by candlelight?' - -'Yes; I think they would,' said Mr. Tupman, with an air -of indifference. - -'Oh, you quiz--I know what you were going to say.' - -'What?' inquired Mr. Tupman, who had not precisely made -up his mind to say anything at all. - -'You were going to say that Isabel stoops--I know you were-- -you men are such observers. Well, so she does; it can't be denied; -and, certainly, if there is one thing more than another that makes -a girl look ugly it is stooping. I often tell her that when she gets a -little older she'll be quite frightful. Well, you are a quiz!' - -Mr. Tupman had no objection to earning the reputation at so -cheap a rate: so he looked very knowing, and smiled mysteriously. - -'What a sarcastic smile,' said the admiring Rachael; 'I declare -I'm quite afraid of you.' - -'Afraid of me!' - -'Oh, you can't disguise anything from me--I know what that -smile means very well.' - -'What?' said Mr. Tupman, who had not the slightest notion himself. - -'You mean,' said the amiable aunt, sinking her voice still -lower--'you mean, that you don't think Isabella's stooping is as -bad as Emily's boldness. Well, she is bold! You cannot think how -wretched it makes me sometimes--I'm sure I cry about it for -hours together--my dear brother is SO good, and so unsuspicious, -that he never sees it; if he did, I'm quite certain it would break -his heart. I wish I could think it was only manner--I hope it may -be--' (Here the affectionate relative heaved a deep sigh, and -shook her head despondingly). - -'I'm sure aunt's talking about us,' whispered Miss Emily -Wardle to her sister--'I'm quite certain of it--she looks so malicious.' - -'Is she?' replied Isabella.--'Hem! aunt, dear!' - -'Yes, my dear love!' - -'I'm SO afraid you'll catch cold, aunt--have a silk handkerchief -to tie round your dear old head--you really should take care of -yourself--consider your age!' - -However well deserved this piece of retaliation might have -been, it was as vindictive a one as could well have been resorted -to. There is no guessing in what form of reply the aunt's indignation -would have vented itself, had not Mr. Wardle unconsciously changed -the subject, by calling emphatically for Joe. - -'Damn that boy,' said the old gentleman, 'he's gone to sleep again.' - -'Very extraordinary boy, that,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'does he -always sleep in this way?' - -'Sleep!' said the old gentleman, 'he's always asleep. Goes on -errands fast asleep, and snores as he waits at table.' - -'How very odd!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah! odd indeed,' returned the old gentleman; 'I'm proud of -that boy--wouldn't part with him on any account--he's a -natural curiosity! Here, Joe--Joe--take these things away, and -open another bottle--d'ye hear?' - -The fat boy rose, opened his eyes, swallowed the huge piece of -pie he had been in the act of masticating when he last fell asleep, -and slowly obeyed his master's orders--gloating languidly over -the remains of the feast, as he removed the plates, and deposited -them in the hamper. The fresh bottle was produced, and speedily -emptied: the hamper was made fast in its old place--the fat -boy once more mounted the box--the spectacles and pocket- -glass were again adjusted--and the evolutions of the military -recommenced. There was a great fizzing and banging of -guns, and starting of ladies--and then a Mine was sprung, to -the gratification of everybody--and when the mine had gone -off, the military and the company followed its example, and -went off too. - -'Now, mind,' said the old gentleman, as he shook hands with -Mr. Pickwick at the conclusion of a conversation which had been -carried on at intervals, during the conclusion of the proceedings, -"we shall see you all to-morrow.' - -'Most certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'You have got the address?' - -'Manor Farm, Dingley Dell,' said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his -pocket-book. -'That's it,' said the old gentleman. 'I don't let you off, mind, -under a week; and undertake that you shall see everything worth -seeing. If you've come down for a country life, come to me, and -I'll give you plenty of it. Joe--damn that boy, he's gone to sleep -again--Joe, help Tom put in the horses.' - -The horses were put in--the driver mounted--the fat -boy clambered up by his side--farewells were exchanged-- -and the carriage rattled off. As the Pickwickians turned round -to take a last glimpse of it, the setting sun cast a rich glow on -the faces of their entertainers, and fell upon the form of the -fat boy. His head was sunk upon his bosom; and he slumbered again. - - - -CHAPTER V -A SHORT ONE--SHOWING, AMONG OTHER MATTERS, HOW - Mr. PICKWICK UNDERTOOK TO DRIVE, AND Mr. WINKLE - TO RIDE, AND HOW THEY BOTH DID IT - - -Bright and pleasant was the sky, balmy the air, and beautiful -the appearance of every object around, as Mr. Pickwick leaned -over the balustrades of Rochester Bridge, contemplating nature, -and waiting for breakfast. The scene was indeed one which might -well have charmed a far less reflective mind, than that to which -it was presented. - -On the left of the spectator lay the ruined wall, broken in many -places, and in some, overhanging the narrow beach below in rude -and heavy masses. Huge knots of seaweed hung upon the jagged -and pointed stones, trembling in every breath of wind; and the -green ivy clung mournfully round the dark and ruined battlements. -Behind it rose the ancient castle, its towers roofless, and -its massive walls crumbling away, but telling us proudly of its old -might and strength, as when, seven hundred years ago, it rang -with the clash of arms, or resounded with the noise of feasting -and revelry. On either side, the banks of the Medway, covered -with cornfields and pastures, with here and there a windmill, or a -distant church, stretched away as far as the eye could see, -presenting a rich and varied landscape, rendered more beautiful -by the changing shadows which passed swiftly across it as the -thin and half-formed clouds skimmed away in the light of the -morning sun. The river, reflecting the clear blue of the sky, -glistened and sparkled as it flowed noiselessly on; and the oars of -the fishermen dipped into the water with a clear and liquid sound, -as their heavy but picturesque boats glided slowly down the stream. - -Mr. Pickwick was roused from the agreeable reverie into which -he had been led by the objects before him, by a deep sigh, and a -touch on his shoulder. He turned round: and the dismal man was -at his side. - -'Contemplating the scene?' inquired the dismal man. -'I was,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And congratulating yourself on being up so soon?' - -Mr. Pickwick nodded assent. - -'Ah! people need to rise early, to see the sun in all his splendour, -for his brightness seldom lasts the day through. The -morning of day and the morning of life are but too much alike.' - -'You speak truly, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'How common the saying,' continued the dismal man, '"The -morning's too fine to last." How well might it be applied to our -everyday existence. God! what would I forfeit to have the days of -my childhood restored, or to be able to forget them for ever!' - -'You have seen much trouble, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick compassionately. - -'I have,' said the dismal man hurriedly; 'I have. More than -those who see me now would believe possible.' He paused for an -instant, and then said abruptly-- - -'Did it ever strike you, on such a morning as this, that drowning -would be happiness and peace?' - -'God bless me, no!' replied Mr. Pickwick, edging a little from -the balustrade, as the possibility of the dismal man's tipping him -over, by way of experiment, occurred to him rather forcibly. - -'I have thought so, often,' said the dismal man, without -noticing the action. 'The calm, cool water seems to me to murmur -an invitation to repose and rest. A bound, a splash, a brief -struggle; there is an eddy for an instant, it gradually subsides into -a gentle ripple; the waters have closed above your head, and the -world has closed upon your miseries and misfortunes for ever.' -The sunken eye of the dismal man flashed brightly as he spoke, -but the momentary excitement quickly subsided; and he turned -calmly away, as he said-- - -'There--enough of that. I wish to see you on another subject. -You invited me to read that paper, the night before last, and -listened attentively while I did so.' -'I did,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'and I certainly thought--' - -'I asked for no opinion,' said the dismal man, interrupting him, -'and I want none. You are travelling for amusement and instruction. -Suppose I forward you a curious manuscript--observe, not -curious because wild or improbable, but curious as a leaf from -the romance of real life--would you communicate it to the club, -of which you have spoken so frequently?' - -'Certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'if you wished it; and it -would be entered on their transactions.' -'You shall have it,' replied the dismal man. 'Your address;' -and, Mr. Pickwick having communicated their probable route, the -dismal man carefully noted it down in a greasy pocket-book, -and, resisting Mr. Pickwick's pressing invitation to breakfast, -left that gentleman at his inn, and walked slowly away. - -Mr. Pickwick found that his three companions had risen, and -were waiting his arrival to commence breakfast, which was ready -laid in tempting display. They sat down to the meal; and broiled -ham, eggs, tea, coffee and sundries, began to disappear with a -rapidity which at once bore testimony to the excellence of the -fare, and the appetites of its consumers. - -'Now, about Manor Farm,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'How shall we go ?' - -'We had better consult the waiter, perhaps,' said Mr. Tupman; -and the waiter was summoned accordingly. - -'Dingley Dell, gentlemen--fifteen miles, gentlemen--cross -road--post-chaise, sir?' - -'Post-chaise won't hold more than two,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'True, sir--beg your pardon, sir.--Very nice four-wheel chaise, -sir--seat for two behind--one in front for the gentleman that -drives--oh! beg your pardon, sir--that'll only hold three.' - -'What's to be done?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Perhaps one of the gentlemen would like to ride, sir?' suggested -the waiter, looking towards Mr. Winkle; 'very good -saddle-horses, sir--any of Mr. Wardle's men coming to Rochester, -bring 'em back, Sir.' - -'The very thing,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Winkle, will you go on -horseback ?' - -Now Mr. Winkle did entertain considerable misgivings in the -very lowest recesses of his own heart, relative to his equestrian -skill; but, as he would not have them even suspected, on any -account, he at once replied with great hardihood, 'Certainly. I -should enjoy it of all things.' -Mr. Winkle had rushed upon his fate; there was no resource. -'Let them be at the door by eleven,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very well, sir,' replied the waiter. - -The waiter retired; the breakfast concluded; and the travellers -ascended to their respective bedrooms, to prepare a change of -clothing, to take with them on their approaching expedition. - -Mr. Pickwick had made his preliminary arrangements, and -was looking over the coffee-room blinds at the passengers -in the street, when the waiter entered, and announced that -the chaise was ready--an announcement which the vehicle itself -confirmed, by forthwith appearing before the coffee-room blinds -aforesaid. - -It was a curious little green box on four wheels, with a low -place like a wine-bin for two behind, and an elevated perch for -one in front, drawn by an immense brown horse, displaying -great symmetry of bone. An hostler stood near, holding by the -bridle another immense horse--apparently a near relative of the -animal in the chaise--ready saddled for Mr. Winkle. - -'Bless my soul!' said Mr. Pickwick, as they stood upon the -pavement while the coats were being put in. 'Bless my soul! who's -to drive? I never thought of that.' - -'Oh! you, of course,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Of course,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not the slightest fear, Sir,' interposed the hostler. 'Warrant -him quiet, Sir; a hinfant in arms might drive him.' - -'He don't shy, does he?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Shy, sir?-he wouldn't shy if he was to meet a vagin-load of -monkeys with their tails burned off.' - -The last recommendation was indisputable. Mr. Tupman and -Mr. Snodgrass got into the bin; Mr. Pickwick ascended to his -perch, and deposited his feet on a floor-clothed shelf, erected -beneath it for that purpose. - -'Now, shiny Villiam,' said the hostler to the deputy hostler, -'give the gen'lm'n the ribbons.' 'Shiny Villiam'--so called, -probably, from his sleek hair and oily countenance--placed the -reins in Mr. Pickwick's left hand; and the upper hostler thrust a -whip into his right. - -'Wo-o!' cried Mr. Pickwick, as the tall quadruped evinced a -decided inclination to back into the coffee-room window. -'Wo-o!' echoed Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass, from the bin. -'Only his playfulness, gen'lm'n,' said the head hostler -encouragingly; 'jist kitch hold on him, Villiam.' The deputy -restrained the animal's impetuosity, and the principal ran to -assist Mr. Winkle in mounting. - -'T'other side, sir, if you please.' - -'Blowed if the gen'lm'n worn't a-gettin' up on the wrong side,' -whispered a grinning post-boy to the inexpressibly gratified waiter. - -Mr. Winkle, thus instructed, climbed into his saddle, with -about as much difficulty as he would have experienced in getting -up the side of a first-rate man-of-war. - -'All right?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, with an inward presentiment -that it was all wrong. - -'All right,' replied Mr. Winkle faintly. - -'Let 'em go,' cried the hostler.--'Hold him in, sir;' and away -went the chaise, and the saddle-horse, with Mr. Pickwick on the -box of the one, and Mr. Winkle on the back of the other, to the -delight and gratification of the whole inn-yard. - -'What makes him go sideways?' said Mr. Snodgrass in the bin, -to Mr. Winkle in the saddle. - -'I can't imagine,' replied Mr. Winkle. His horse was drifting -up the street in the most mysterious manner--side first, with -his head towards one side of the way, and his tail towards the other. - -Mr. Pickwick had no leisure to observe either this or any other -particular, the whole of his faculties being concentrated in the -management of the animal attached to the chaise, who displayed -various peculiarities, highly interesting to a bystander, but by no -means equally amusing to any one seated behind him. Besides -constantly jerking his head up, in a very unpleasant and uncomfortable -manner, and tugging at the reins to an extent which -rendered it a matter of great difficulty for Mr. Pickwick to hold -them, he had a singular propensity for darting suddenly every -now and then to the side of the road, then stopping short, and -then rushing forward for some minutes, at a speed which it was -wholly impossible to control. - -'What CAN he mean by this?' said Mr. Snodgrass, when the -horse had executed this manoeuvre for the twentieth time. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Tupman; 'it looks very like shying, -don't it?' Mr. Snodgrass was about to reply, when he was interrupted -by a shout from Mr. Pickwick. - -'Woo!' said that gentleman; 'I have dropped my whip.' -'Winkle,' said Mr. Snodgrass, as the equestrian came trotting -up on the tall horse, with his hat over his ears, and shaking all -over, as if he would shake to pieces, with the violence of the -exercise, 'pick up the whip, there's a good fellow.' Mr. Winkle -pulled at the bridle of the tall horse till he was black in the face; -and having at length succeeded in stopping him, dismounted, -handed the whip to Mr. Pickwick, and grasping the reins, -prepared to remount. - -Now whether the tall horse, in the natural playfulness of his -disposition, was desirous of having a little innocent recreation -with Mr. Winkle, or whether it occurred to him that he could -perform the journey as much to his own satisfaction without a -rider as with one, are points upon which, of course, we can -arrive at no definite and distinct conclusion. By whatever motives -the animal was actuated, certain it is that Mr. Winkle had no -sooner touched the reins, than he slipped them over his head, and -darted backwards to their full length. - -'Poor fellow,' said Mr. Winkle soothingly--'poor fellow-- -good old horse.' The 'poor fellow' was proof against flattery; the -more Mr. Winkle tried to get nearer him, the more he sidled -away; and, notwithstanding all kinds of coaxing and wheedling, -there were Mr. Winkle and the horse going round and round each -other for ten minutes, at the end of which time each was at -precisely the same distance from the other as when they first -commenced--an unsatisfactory sort of thing under any circumstances, -but particularly so in a lonely road, where no assistance -can be procured. - -'What am I to do?' shouted Mr. Winkle, after the dodging had -been prolonged for a considerable time. 'What am I to do? I -can't get on him.' - -'You had better lead him till we come to a turnpike,' replied -Mr. Pickwick from the chaise. - -'But he won't come!' roared Mr. Winkle. 'Do come and hold him.' - -Mr. Pickwick was the very personation of kindness and -humanity: he threw the reins on the horse's back, and having -descended from his seat, carefully drew the chaise into the hedge, -lest anything should come along the road, and stepped back to -the assistance of his distressed companion, leaving Mr. Tupman -and Mr. Snodgrass in the vehicle. - -The horse no sooner beheld Mr. Pickwick advancing towards -him with the chaise whip in his hand, than he exchanged the -rotary motion in which he had previously indulged, for a retrograde -movement of so very determined a character, that it at once -drew Mr. Winkle, who was still at the end of the bridle, at a -rather quicker rate than fast walking, in the direction from which -they had just come. Mr. Pickwick ran to his assistance, but the -faster Mr. Pickwick ran forward, the faster the horse ran backward. -There was a great scraping of feet, and kicking up of -the dust; and at last Mr. Winkle, his arms being nearly pulled -out of their sockets, fairly let go his hold. The horse paused, -stared, shook his head, turned round, and quietly trotted -home to Rochester, leaving Mr. Winkle and Mr. Pickwick -gazing on each other with countenances of blank dismay. A -rattling noise at a little distance attracted their attention. They -looked up. - -'Bless my soul!' exclaimed the agonised Mr. Pickwick; 'there's -the other horse running away!' - -It was but too true. The animal was startled by the noise, and -the reins were on his back. The results may be guessed. He tore -off with the four-wheeled chaise behind him, and Mr. Tupman -and Mr. Snodgrass in the four-wheeled chaise. The heat was a -short one. Mr. Tupman threw himself into the hedge, Mr. Snodgrass -followed his example, the horse dashed the four--wheeled -chaise against a wooden bridge, separated the wheels from the -body, and the bin from the perch; and finally stood stock still to -gaze upon the ruin he had made. - -The first care of the two unspilt friends was to extricate their -unfortunate companions from their bed of quickset--a process -which gave them the unspeakable satisfaction of discovering that -they had sustained no injury, beyond sundry rents in their -garments, and various lacerations from the brambles. The next -thing to be done was to unharness the horse. This complicated -process having been effected, the party walked slowly forward, -leading the horse among them, and abandoning the chaise to its fate. - -An hour's walk brought the travellers to a little road-side -public-house, with two elm-trees, a horse trough, and a signpost, -in front; one or two deformed hay-ricks behind, a kitchen garden -at the side, and rotten sheds and mouldering outhouses jumbled -in strange confusion all about it. A red-headed man was working -in the garden; and to him Mr. Pickwick called lustily, 'Hollo there!' - -The red-headed man raised his body, shaded his eyes with his hand, -and stared, long and coolly, at Mr. Pickwick and his companions. - -'Hollo there!' repeated Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hollo!' was the red-headed man's reply. - -'How far is it to Dingley Dell?' - -'Better er seven mile.' - -'Is it a good road?' - -'No, 'tain't.' Having uttered this brief reply, and apparently -satisfied himself with another scrutiny, the red-headed man -resumed his work. -'We want to put this horse up here,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I -suppose we can, can't we?' -'Want to put that ere horse up, do ee?' repeated the red- -headed man, leaning on his spade. - -'Of course,' replied Mr. Pickwick, who had by this time -advanced, horse in hand, to the garden rails. - -'Missus'--roared the man with the red head, emerging from -the garden, and looking very hard at the horse--'missus!' - -A tall, bony woman--straight all the way down--in a coarse, -blue pelisse, with the waist an inch or two below her arm-pits, -responded to the call. - -'Can we put this horse up here, my good woman?' said Mr. -Tupman, advancing, and speaking in his most seductive tones. -The woman looked very hard at the whole party; and the red- -headed man whispered something in her ear. - -'No,' replied the woman, after a little consideration, 'I'm -afeerd on it.' - -'Afraid!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, 'what's the woman afraid of ?' - -'It got us in trouble last time,' said the woman, turning into the -house; 'I woan't have nothin' to say to 'un.' - -'Most extraordinary thing I have ever met with in my life,' said -the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -'I--I--really believe,' whispered Mr. Winkle, as his friends -gathered round him, 'that they think we have come by this horse -in some dishonest manner.' - -'What!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in a storm of indignation. -Mr. Winkle modestly repeated his suggestion. - -'Hollo, you fellow,' said the angry Mr. Pickwick,'do you think -we stole the horse?' - -'I'm sure ye did,' replied the red-headed man, with a grin which -agitated his countenance from one auricular organ to the other. -Saying which he turned into the house and banged the door after him. - -'It's like a dream,' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, 'a hideous dream. -The idea of a man's walking about all day with a dreadful horse -that he can't get rid of!' The depressed Pickwickians turned -moodily away, with the tall quadruped, for which they all felt the -most unmitigated disgust, following slowly at their heels. - -It was late in the afternoon when the four friends and their -four-footed companion turned into the lane leading to Manor -Farm; and even when they were so near their place of destination, -the pleasure they would otherwise have experienced was materially -damped as they reflected on the singularity of their appearance, -and the absurdity of their situation. Torn clothes, lacerated faces, -dusty shoes, exhausted looks, and, above all, the horse. Oh, how -Mr. Pickwick cursed that horse: he had eyed the noble animal -from time to time with looks expressive of hatred and revenge; -more than once he had calculated the probable amount of the -expense he would incur by cutting his throat; and now the -temptation to destroy him, or to cast him loose upon the world, -rushed upon his mind with tenfold force. He was roused from a -meditation on these dire imaginings by the sudden appearance of -two figures at a turn of the lane. It was Mr. Wardle, and his -faithful attendant, the fat boy. - -'Why, where have you been ?' said the hospitable old gentleman; -'I've been waiting for you all day. Well, you DO look tired. What! -Scratches! Not hurt, I hope--eh? Well, I AM glad to hear that-- -very. So you've been spilt, eh? Never mind. Common accident in -these parts. Joe--he's asleep again!--Joe, take that horse from -the gentlemen, and lead it into the stable.' - -The fat boy sauntered heavily behind them with the animal; -and the old gentleman, condoling with his guests in homely -phrase on so much of the day's adventures as they thought proper -to communicate, led the way to the kitchen. - -'We'll have you put to rights here,' said the old gentleman, 'and -then I'll introduce you to the people in the parlour. Emma, bring -out the cherry brandy; now, Jane, a needle and thread here; -towels and water, Mary. Come, girls, bustle about.' - -Three or four buxom girls speedily dispersed in search of the -different articles in requisition, while a couple of large-headed, -circular-visaged males rose from their seats in the chimney- -corner (for although it was a May evening their attachment to the -wood fire appeared as cordial as if it were Christmas), and dived -into some obscure recesses, from which they speedily produced a -bottle of blacking, and some half-dozen brushes. - -'Bustle!' said the old gentleman again, but the admonition was -quite unnecessary, for one of the girls poured out the cherry -brandy, and another brought in the towels, and one of the men -suddenly seizing Mr. Pickwick by the leg, at imminent hazard of -throwing him off his balance, brushed away at his boot till his -corns were red-hot; while the other shampooed Mr. Winkle with -a heavy clothes-brush, indulging, during the operation, in that -hissing sound which hostlers are wont to produce when engaged -in rubbing down a horse. - -Mr. Snodgrass, having concluded his ablutions, took a survey -of the room, while standing with his back to the fire, sipping his -cherry brandy with heartfelt satisfaction. He describes it as a -large apartment, with a red brick floor and a capacious chimney; -the ceiling garnished with hams, sides of bacon, and ropes of -onions. The walls were decorated with several hunting-whips, -two or three bridles, a saddle, and an old rusty blunderbuss, with -an inscription below it, intimating that it was 'Loaded'--as it had -been, on the same authority, for half a century at least. An old -eight-day clock, of solemn and sedate demeanour, ticked gravely -in one corner; and a silver watch, of equal antiquity, dangled -from one of the many hooks which ornamented the dresser. - -'Ready?' said the old gentleman inquiringly, when his guests -had been washed, mended, brushed, and brandied. - -'Quite,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Come along, then;' and the party having traversed several -dark passages, and being joined by Mr. Tupman, who had -lingered behind to snatch a kiss from Emma, for which he had -been duly rewarded with sundry pushings and scratchings, -arrived at the parlour door. - -'Welcome,' said their hospitable host, throwing it open and -stepping forward to announce them, 'welcome, gentlemen, to -Manor Farm.' - - - -CHAPTER VI -AN OLD-FASHIONED CARD-PARTY--THE CLERGYMAN'S - VERSES--THE STORY OF THE CONVICT'S RETURN - - -Several guests who were assembled in the old parlour rose to -greet Mr. Pickwick and his friends upon their entrance; and during -the performance of the ceremony of introduction, with all due -formalities, Mr. Pickwick had leisure to observe the appearance, -and speculate upon the characters and pursuits, of the persons by -whom he was surrounded--a habit in which he, in common with many -other great men, delighted to indulge. - -A very old lady, in a lofty cap and faded silk gown--no less a -personage than Mr. Wardle's mother--occupied the post of -honour on the right-hand corner of the chimney-piece; and -various certificates of her having been brought up in the way she -should go when young, and of her not having departed from it -when old, ornamented the walls, in the form of samplers of -ancient date, worsted landscapes of equal antiquity, and crimson -silk tea-kettle holders of a more modern period. The aunt, the two -young ladies, and Mr. Wardle, each vying with the other in -paying zealous and unremitting attentions to the old lady, -crowded round her easy-chair, one holding her ear-trumpet, -another an orange, and a third a smelling-bottle, while a fourth -was busily engaged in patting and punching the pillows which -were arranged for her support. On the opposite side sat a bald- -headed old gentleman, with a good-humoured, benevolent face-- -the clergyman of Dingley Dell; and next him sat his wife, a stout, -blooming old lady, who looked as if she were well skilled, not -only in the art and mystery of manufacturing home-made -cordials greatly to other people's satisfaction, but of tasting them -occasionally very much to her own. A little hard-headed, -Ripstone pippin-faced man, was conversing with a fat old -gentleman in one corner; and two or three more old gentlemen, -and two or three more old ladies, sat bolt upright and motionless -on their chairs, staring very hard at Mr. Pickwick and his -fellow-voyagers. - -'Mr. Pickwick, mother,' said Mr. Wardle, at the very top of -his voice. - -'Ah!' said the old lady, shaking her head; 'I can't hear you.' - -'Mr. Pickwick, grandma!' screamed both the young ladies together. - -'Ah!' exclaimed the old lady. 'Well, it don't much matter. He -don't care for an old 'ooman like me, I dare say.' - -'I assure you, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, grasping the old -lady's hand, and speaking so loud that the exertion imparted a -crimson hue to his benevolent countenance--'I assure you, -ma'am, that nothing delights me more than to see a lady of your -time of life heading so fine a family, and looking so young and well.' - -'Ah!' said the old lady, after a short pause: 'it's all very fine, I -dare say; but I can't hear him.' - -'Grandma's rather put out now,' said Miss Isabella Wardle, in -a low tone; 'but she'll talk to you presently.' - -Mr. Pickwick nodded his readiness to humour the infirmities -of age, and entered into a general conversation with the other -members of the circle. - -'Delightful situation this,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Delightful!' echoed Messrs. Snodgrass, Tupman, and Winkle. - -'Well, I think it is,' said Mr. Wardle. - -'There ain't a better spot o' ground in all Kent, sir,' said the -hard-headed man with the pippin--face; 'there ain't indeed, sir-- -I'm sure there ain't, Sir.' The hard-headed man looked triumphantly -round, as if he had been very much contradicted by somebody, -but had got the better of him at last. - -'There ain't a better spot o' ground in all Kent,' said the -hard-headed man again, after a pause. - -''Cept Mullins's Meadows,' observed the fat man solemnly. -'Mullins's Meadows!' ejaculated the other, with profound contempt. - -'Ah, Mullins's Meadows,' repeated the fat man. - -'Reg'lar good land that,' interposed another fat man. - -'And so it is, sure-ly,' said a third fat man. - -'Everybody knows that,' said the corpulent host. - -The hard-headed man looked dubiously round, but finding -himself in a minority, assumed a compassionate air and said no more. -'What are they talking about?' inquired the old lady of one of -her granddaughters, in a very audible voice; for, like many deaf -people, she never seemed to calculate on the possibility of other -persons hearing what she said herself. - -'About the land, grandma.' - -'What about the land?--Nothing the matter, is there?' - -'No, no. Mr. Miller was saying our land was better than -Mullins's Meadows.' - -'How should he know anything about it?'inquired the old lady -indignantly. 'Miller's a conceited coxcomb, and you may tell him -I said so.' Saying which, the old lady, quite unconscious that she -had spoken above a whisper, drew herself up, and looked -carving-knives at the hard-headed delinquent. - -'Come, come,' said the bustling host, with a natural anxiety to -change the conversation, 'what say you to a rubber, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'I should like it of all things,' replied that gentleman; 'but pray -don't make up one on my account.' - -'Oh, I assure you, mother's very fond of a rubber,' said Mr. -Wardle; 'ain't you, mother?' - -The old lady, who was much less deaf on this subject than on -any other, replied in the affirmative. - -'Joe, Joe!' said the gentleman; 'Joe--damn that--oh, here he -is; put out the card--tables.' - -The lethargic youth contrived without any additional rousing -to set out two card-tables; the one for Pope Joan, and the other -for whist. The whist-players were Mr. Pickwick and the old lady, -Mr. Miller and the fat gentleman. The round game comprised the -rest of the company. - -The rubber was conducted with all that gravity of deportment -and sedateness of demeanour which befit the pursuit entitled -'whist'--a solemn observance, to which, as it appears to us, the -title of 'game' has been very irreverently and ignominiously -applied. The round-game table, on the other hand, was so -boisterously merry as materially to interrupt the contemplations -of Mr. Miller, who, not being quite so much absorbed as he -ought to have been, contrived to commit various high crimes and -misdemeanours, which excited the wrath of the fat gentleman to -a very great extent, and called forth the good-humour of the old -lady in a proportionate degree. - -'There!' said the criminal Miller triumphantly, as he took up -the odd trick at the conclusion of a hand; 'that could not have -been played better, I flatter myself; impossible to have made -another trick!' - -'Miller ought to have trumped the diamond, oughtn't he, Sir?' -said the old lady. - -Mr. Pickwick nodded assent. - -'Ought I, though?' said the unfortunate, with a doubtful appeal -to his partner. - -'You ought, Sir,' said the fat gentleman, in an awful voice. - -'Very sorry,' said the crestfallen Miller. - -'Much use that,' growled the fat gentleman. - -'Two by honours--makes us eight,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Another hand. 'Can you one?' inquired the old lady. - -'I can,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Double, single, and the rub.' - -'Never was such luck,' said Mr. Miller. - -'Never was such cards,' said the fat gentleman. - -A solemn silence; Mr. Pickwick humorous, the old lady serious, -the fat gentleman captious, and Mr. Miller timorous. - -'Another double,' said the old lady, triumphantly making a -memorandum of the circumstance, by placing one sixpence and a -battered halfpenny under the candlestick. - -'A double, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Quite aware of the fact, Sir,' replied the fat gentleman sharply. - -Another game, with a similar result, was followed by a revoke -from the unlucky Miller; on which the fat gentleman burst into a -state of high personal excitement which lasted until the -conclusion of the game, when he retired into a corner, and remained -perfectly mute for one hour and twenty-seven minutes; at the end -of which time he emerged from his retirement, and offered -Mr. Pickwick a pinch of snuff with the air of a man who had -made up his mind to a Christian forgiveness of injuries sustained. -The old lady's hearing decidedly improved and the unlucky -Miller felt as much out of his element as a dolphin in a sentry-box. - -Meanwhile the round game proceeded right merrily. Isabella -Wardle and Mr. Trundle 'went partners,' and Emily Wardle and -Mr. Snodgrass did the same; and even Mr. Tupman and the -spinster aunt established a joint-stock company of fish and -flattery. Old Mr. Wardle was in the very height of his jollity; and -he was so funny in his management of the board, and the old -ladies were so sharp after their winnings, that the whole table was -in a perpetual roar of merriment and laughter. There was one old -lady who always had about half a dozen cards to pay for, at -which everybody laughed, regularly every round; and when the -old lady looked cross at having to pay, they laughed louder than -ever; on which the old lady's face gradually brightened up, till at -last she laughed louder than any of them, Then, when the spinster -aunt got 'matrimony,' the young ladies laughed afresh, and the -Spinster aunt seemed disposed to be pettish; till, feeling Mr. -Tupman squeezing her hand under the table, she brightened up -too, and looked rather knowing, as if matrimony in reality were -not quite so far off as some people thought for; whereupon -everybody laughed again, and especially old Mr. Wardle, who -enjoyed a joke as much as the youngest. As to Mr. Snodgrass, he -did nothing but whisper poetical sentiments into his partner's -ear, which made one old gentleman facetiously sly, about -partnerships at cards and partnerships for life, and caused the -aforesaid old gentleman to make some remarks thereupon, -accompanied with divers winks and chuckles, which made the -company very merry and the old gentleman's wife especially so. -And Mr. Winkle came out with jokes which are very well known -in town, but are not all known in the country; and as everybody -laughed at them very heartily, and said they were very capital, -Mr. Winkle was in a state of great honour and glory. And the -benevolent clergyman looked pleasantly on; for the happy faces -which surrounded the table made the good old man feel happy -too; and though the merriment was rather boisterous, still it -came from the heart and not from the lips; and this is the right -sort of merriment, after all. - -The evening glided swiftly away, in these cheerful recreations; -and when the substantial though homely supper had been -despatched, and the little party formed a social circle round the -fire, Mr. Pickwick thought he had never felt so happy in his life, -and at no time so much disposed to enjoy, and make the most of, -the passing moment. - -'Now this,' said the hospitable host, who was sitting in great -state next the old lady's arm-chair, with her hand fast clasped in -his--'this is just what I like--the happiest moments of my life -have been passed at this old fireside; and I am so attached to it, -that I keep up a blazing fire here every evening, until it actually -grows too hot to bear it. Why, my poor old mother, here, used -to sit before this fireplace upon that little stool when she was a -girl; didn't you, mother?' - -The tear which starts unbidden to the eye when the recollection -of old times and the happiness of many years ago is suddenly -recalled, stole down the old lady's face as she shook her head with -a melancholy smile. - -'You must excuse my talking about this old place, Mr. Pickwick,' -resumed the host, after a short pause, 'for I love it dearly, -and know no other--the old houses and fields seem like living -friends to me; and so does our little church with the ivy, about -which, by the bye, our excellent friend there made a song when -he first came amongst us. Mr. Snodgrass, have you anything in -your glass?' - -'Plenty, thank you,' replied that gentleman, whose poetic -curiosity had been greatly excited by the last observation of his -entertainer. 'I beg your pardon, but you were talking about the -song of the Ivy.' - -'You must ask our friend opposite about that,' said the host -knowingly, indicating the clergyman by a nod of his head. - -'May I say that I should like to hear you repeat it, sir?' said -Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Why, really,' replied the clergyman, 'it's a very slight affair; -and the only excuse I have for having ever perpetrated it is, that -I was a young man at the time. Such as it is, however, you shall -hear it, if you wish.' - -A murmur of curiosity was of course the reply; and the old -gentleman proceeded to recite, with the aid of sundry promptings -from his wife, the lines in question. 'I call them,' said he, - - - THE IVY GREEN - -Oh, a dainty plant is the Ivy green, -That creepeth o'er ruins old! -Of right choice food are his meals, I ween, -In his cell so lone and cold. -The wall must be crumbled, the stone decayed, -To pleasure his dainty whim; -And the mouldering dust that years have made, -Is a merry meal for him. - Creeping where no life is seen, - A rare old plant is the Ivy green. - -Fast he stealeth on, though he wears no wings, -And a staunch old heart has he. -How closely he twineth, how tight he clings -To his friend the huge Oak Tree! -And slily he traileth along the ground, -And his leaves he gently waves, -As he joyously hugs and crawleth round -The rich mould of dead men's graves. - Creeping where grim death has been, - A rare old plant is the Ivy green. - -Whole ages have fled and their works decayed, -And nations have scattered been; -But the stout old Ivy shall never fade, -From its hale and hearty green. -The brave old plant in its lonely days, -Shall fatten upon the past; -For the stateliest building man can raise, -Is the Ivy's food at last. - Creeping on where time has been, - A rare old plant is the Ivy green. - - -While the old gentleman repeated these lines a second time, to -enable Mr. Snodgrass to note them down, Mr. Pickwick perused -the lineaments of his face with an expression of great interest. -The old gentleman having concluded his dictation, and Mr. -Snodgrass having returned his note-book to his pocket, Mr. -Pickwick said-- - -'Excuse me, sir, for making the remark on so short an -acquaintance; but a gentleman like yourself cannot fail, I should -think, to have observed many scenes and incidents worth -recording, in the course of your experience as a minister of the -Gospel.' - -'I have witnessed some certainly,' replied the old gentleman, -'but the incidents and characters have been of a homely and -ordinary nature, my sphere of action being so very limited.' - -'You did make some notes, I think, about John Edmunds, did -you not?' inquired Mr. Wardle, who appeared very desirous to -draw his friend out, for the edification of his new visitors. - -The old gentleman slightly nodded his head in token of assent, -and was proceeding to change the subject, when Mr. Pickwick -said-- - -'I beg your pardon, sir, but pray, if I may venture to inquire, -who was John Edmunds?' - -'The very thing I was about to ask,' said Mr. Snodgrass eagerly. - -'You are fairly in for it,' said the jolly host. 'You must satisfy -the curiosity of these gentlemen, sooner or later; so you had -better take advantage of this favourable opportunity, and do so -at once.' - -The old gentleman smiled good-humouredly as he drew his -chair forward--the remainder of the party drew their chairs -closer together, especially Mr. Tupman and the spinster aunt, -who were possibly rather hard of hearing; and the old lady's -ear-trumpet having been duly adjusted, and Mr. Miller (who had -fallen asleep during the recital of the verses) roused from his -slumbers by an admonitory pinch, administered beneath the -table by his ex-partner the solemn fat man, the old gentleman, -without further preface, commenced the following tale, to which -we have taken the liberty of prefixing the title of - - THE CONVICT'S RETURN - -'When I first settled in this village,' said the old gentleman, -'which is now just five-and-twenty years ago, the most notorious -person among my parishioners was a man of the name of -Edmunds, who leased a small farm near this spot. He was a -morose, savage-hearted, bad man; idle and dissolute in his -habits; cruel and ferocious in his disposition. Beyond the few -lazy and reckless vagabonds with whom he sauntered away his -time in the fields, or sotted in the ale-house, he had not a single -friend or acquaintance; no one cared to speak to the man whom -many feared, and every one detested--and Edmunds was -shunned by all. - -'This man had a wife and one son, who, when I first came here, -was about twelve years old. Of the acuteness of that woman's -sufferings, of the gentle and enduring manner in which she bore -them, of the agony of solicitude with which she reared that boy, -no one can form an adequate conception. Heaven forgive me the -supposition, if it be an uncharitable one, but I do firmly and in -my soul believe, that the man systematically tried for many years -to break her heart; but she bore it all for her child's sake, and, -however strange it may seem to many, for his father's too; for -brute as he was, and cruelly as he had treated her, she had loved -him once; and the recollection of what he had been to her, -awakened feelings of forbearance and meekness under suffering -in her bosom, to which all God's creatures, but women, are strangers. - -'They were poor--they could not be otherwise when the man -pursued such courses; but the woman's unceasing and -unwearied exertions, early and late, morning, noon, and night, kept -them above actual want. These exertions were but ill repaid. -People who passed the spot in the evening--sometimes at a late -hour of the night--reported that they had heard the moans and -sobs of a woman in distress, and the sound of blows; and more -than once, when it was past midnight, the boy knocked softly at -the door of a neighbour's house, whither he had been sent, to -escape the drunken fury of his unnatural father. - -'During the whole of this time, and when the poor creature -often bore about her marks of ill-usage and violence which she -could not wholly conceal, she was a constant attendant at our -little church. Regularly every Sunday, morning and afternoon, she -occupied the same seat with the boy at her side; and though they -were both poorly dressed--much more so than many of their -neighbours who were in a lower station--they were always neat -and clean. Every one had a friendly nod and a kind word for -"poor Mrs. Edmunds"; and sometimes, when she stopped to -exchange a few words with a neighbour at the conclusion of the -service in the little row of elm-trees which leads to the church -porch, or lingered behind to gaze with a mother's pride and -fondness upon her healthy boy, as he sported before her with -some little companions, her careworn face would lighten up with -an expression of heartfelt gratitude; and she would look, if not -cheerful and happy, at least tranquil and contented. - -'Five or six years passed away; the boy had become a robust -and well-grown youth. The time that had strengthened the child's -slight frame and knit his weak limbs into the strength of manhood -had bowed his mother's form, and enfeebled her steps; -but the arm that should have supported her was no longer locked -in hers; the face that should have cheered her, no more looked -upon her own. She occupied her old seat, but there was a vacant -one beside her. The Bible was kept as carefully as ever, the places -were found and folded down as they used to be: but there was no -one to read it with her; and the tears fell thick and fast upon the -book, and blotted the words from her eyes. Neighbours were as -kind as they were wont to be of old, but she shunned their -greetings with averted head. There was no lingering among the -old elm-trees now-no cheering anticipations of happiness yet in -store. The desolate woman drew her bonnet closer over her face, -and walked hurriedly away. - -'Shall I tell you that the young man, who, looking back to the -earliest of his childhood's days to which memory and consciousness -extended, and carrying his recollection down to that moment, -could remember nothing which was not in some way connected -with a long series of voluntary privations suffered by his mother -for his sake, with ill-usage, and insult, and violence, and all -endured for him--shall I tell you, that he, with a reckless -disregard for her breaking heart, and a sullen, wilful forgetfulness of -all she had done and borne for him, had linked himself with -depraved and abandoned men, and was madly pursuing a -headlong career, which must bring death to him, and shame to -her? Alas for human nature! You have anticipated it long since. - -'The measure of the unhappy woman's misery and misfortune -was about to be completed. Numerous offences had been -committed in the neighbourhood; the perpetrators remained -undiscovered, and their boldness increased. A robbery of a daring -and aggravated nature occasioned a vigilance of pursuit, and a -strictness of search, they had not calculated on. Young Edmunds -was suspected, with three companions. He was apprehended-- -committed--tried--condemned--to die. -'The wild and piercing shriek from a woman's voice, which -resounded through the court when the solemn sentence was -pronounced, rings in my ears at this moment. That cry struck a -terror to the culprit's heart, which trial, condemnation--the -approach of death itself, had failed to awaken. The lips which -had been compressed in dogged sullenness throughout, quivered -and parted involuntarily; the face turned ashy pale as the cold -perspiration broke forth from every pore; the sturdy limbs of the -felon trembled, and he staggered in the dock. - -'In the first transports of her mental anguish, the suffering -mother threw herself on her knees at my feet, and fervently -sought the Almighty Being who had hitherto supported her in -all her troubles to release her from a world of woe and misery, -and to spare the life of her only child. A burst of grief, and a -violent struggle, such as I hope I may never have to witness -again, succeeded. I knew that her heart was breaking from -that hour; but I never once heard complaint or murmur escape -her lips. -'It was a piteous spectacle to see that woman in the prison-yard -from day to day, eagerly and fervently attempting, by affection -and entreaty, to soften the hard heart of her obdurate son. It was -in vain. He remained moody, obstinate, and unmoved. Not even -the unlooked-for commutation of his sentence to transportation -for fourteen years, softened for an instant the sullen hardihood -of his demeanour. - -'But the spirit of resignation and endurance that had so long -upheld her, was unable to contend against bodily weakness and -infirmity. She fell sick. She dragged her tottering limbs from the -bed to visit her son once more, but her strength failed her, and -she sank powerless on the ground. - -'And now the boasted coldness and indifference of the young -man were tested indeed; and the retribution that fell heavily upon -him nearly drove him mad. A day passed away and his mother -was not there; another flew by, and she came not near him; a -third evening arrived, and yet he had not seen her--, and in four- -and-twenty hours he was to be separated from her, perhaps for -ever. Oh! how the long-forgotten thoughts of former days rushed -upon his mind, as he almost ran up and down the narrow yard-- -as if intelligence would arrive the sooner for his hurrying--and -how bitterly a sense of his helplessness and desolation rushed -upon him, when he heard the truth! His mother, the only parent -he had ever known, lay ill--it might be, dying--within one mile -of the ground he stood on; were he free and unfettered, a few -minutes would place him by her side. He rushed to the gate, and -grasping the iron rails with the energy of desperation, shook it -till it rang again, and threw himself against the thick wall as if to -force a passage through the stone; but the strong building -mocked his feeble efforts, and he beat his hands together and -wept like a child. - -'I bore the mother's forgiveness and blessing to her son in -prison; and I carried the solemn assurance of repentance, and his -fervent supplication for pardon, to her sick-bed. I heard, with -pity and compassion, the repentant man devise a thousand little -plans for her comfort and support when he returned; but I knew -that many months before he could reach his place of destination, -his mother would be no longer of this world. -'He was removed by night. A few weeks afterwards the poor -woman's soul took its flight, I confidently hope, and solemnly -believe, to a place of eternal happiness and rest. I performed the -burial service over her remains. She lies in our little churchyard. -There is no stone at her grave's head. Her sorrows were known to -man; her virtues to God. -'it had been arranged previously to the convict's departure, -that he should write to his mother as soon as he could obtain -permission, and that the letter should be addressed to me. The -father had positively refused to see his son from the moment of -his apprehension; and it was a matter of indifference to him -whether he lived or died. Many years passed over without any -intelligence of him; and when more than half his term of -transportation had expired, and I had received no letter, I concluded -him to be dead, as, indeed, I almost hoped he might be. - -'Edmunds, however, had been sent a considerable distance up -the country on his arrival at the settlement; and to this circumstance, -perhaps, may be attributed the fact, that though several -letters were despatched, none of them ever reached my hands. -He remained in the same place during the whole fourteen years. -At the expiration of the term, steadily adhering to his old -resolution and the pledge he gave his mother, he made his way -back to England amidst innumerable difficulties, and returned, -on foot, to his native place. - -'On a fine Sunday evening, in the month of August, John -Edmunds set foot in the village he had left with shame and -disgrace seventeen years before. His nearest way lay through the -churchyard. The man's heart swelled as he crossed the stile. The -tall old elms, through whose branches the declining sun cast here -and there a rich ray of light upon the shady part, awakened the -associations of his earliest days. He pictured himself as he was -then, clinging to his mother's hand, and walking peacefully to -church. He remembered how he used to look up into her pale -face; and how her eyes would sometimes fill with tears as she -gazed upon his features--tears which fell hot upon his forehead -as she stooped to kiss him, and made him weep too, although he -little knew then what bitter tears hers were. He thought how -often he had run merrily down that path with some childish -playfellow, looking back, ever and again, to catch his mother's -smile, or hear her gentle voice; and then a veil seemed lifted from -his memory, and words of kindness unrequited, and warnings -despised, and promises broken, thronged upon his recollection -till his heart failed him, and he could bear it no longer. -'He entered the church. The evening service was concluded and -the congregation had dispersed, but it was not yet closed. His -steps echoed through the low building with a hollow sound, and -he almost feared to be alone, it was so still and quiet. He looked -round him. Nothing was changed. The place seemed smaller than -it used to be; but there were the old monuments on which he had -gazed with childish awe a thousand times; the little pulpit with -its faded cushion; the Communion table before which he had so -often repeated the Commandments he had reverenced as a child, -and forgotten as a man. He approached the old seat; it looked -cold and desolate. The cushion had been removed, and the Bible -was not there. Perhaps his mother now occupied a poorer seat, or -possibly she had grown infirm and could not reach the church -alone. He dared not think of what he feared. A cold feeling crept -over him, and he trembled violently as he turned away. -'An old man entered the porch just as he reached it. Edmunds -started back, for he knew him well; many a time he had watched -him digging graves in the churchyard. What would he say to the -returned convict? - -'The old man raised his eyes to the stranger's face, bade him -"good-evening," and walked slowly on. He had forgotten him. - -'He walked down the hill, and through the village. The weather -was warm, and the people were sitting at their doors, or strolling -in their little gardens as he passed, enjoying the serenity of the -evening, and their rest from labour. Many a look was turned -towards him, and many a doubtful glance he cast on either side -to see whether any knew and shunned him. There were strange -faces in almost every house; in some he recognised the burly form -of some old schoolfellow--a boy when he last saw him--surrounded -by a troop of merry children; in others he saw, seated in -an easy-chair at a cottage door, a feeble and infirm old man, -whom he only remembered as a hale and hearty labourer; but -they had all forgotten him, and he passed on unknown. - -'The last soft light of the setting sun had fallen on the earth, -casting a rich glow on the yellow corn sheaves, and lengthening -the shadows of the orchard trees, as he stood before the old house ---the home of his infancy--to which his heart had yearned with -an intensity of affection not to be described, through long and -weary years of captivity and sorrow. The paling was low, though -he well remembered the time that it had seemed a high wall to -him; and he looked over into the old garden. There were more -seeds and gayer flowers than there used to be, but there were the -old trees still--the very tree under which he had lain a thousand -times when tired of playing in the sun, and felt the soft, mild sleep -of happy boyhood steal gently upon him. There were voices -within the house. He listened, but they fell strangely upon his ear; -he knew them not. They were merry too; and he well knew that -his poor old mother could not be cheerful, and he away. The door -opened, and a group of little children bounded out, shouting and -romping. The father, with a little boy in his arms, appeared at the -door, and they crowded round him, clapping their tiny hands, -and dragging him out, to join their joyous sports. The convict -thought on the many times he had shrunk from his father's sight -in that very place. He remembered how often he had buried his -trembling head beneath the bedclothes, and heard the harsh word, -and the hard stripe, and his mother's wailing; and though the -man sobbed aloud with agony of mind as he left the spot, his fist -was clenched, and his teeth were set, in a fierce and deadly passion. - -'And such was the return to which he had looked through the -weary perspective of many years, and for which he had undergone -so much suffering! No face of welcome, no look of forgiveness, -no house to receive, no hand to help him--and this too in the old -village. What was his loneliness in the wild, thick woods, where -man was never seen, to this! - -'He felt that in the distant land of his bondage and infamy, he -had thought of his native place as it was when he left it; and not -as it would be when he returned. The sad reality struck coldly at -his heart, and his spirit sank within him. He had not courage to -make inquiries, or to present himself to the only person who was -likely to receive him with kindness and compassion. He walked -slowly on; and shunning the roadside like a guilty man, turned -into a meadow he well remembered; and covering his face with -his hands, threw himself upon the grass. - -'He had not observed that a man was lying on the bank beside -him; his garments rustled as he turned round to steal a look at -the new-comer; and Edmunds raised his head. - -'The man had moved into a sitting posture. His body was much -bent, and his face was wrinkled and yellow. His dress denoted -him an inmate of the workhouse: he had the appearance of being -very old, but it looked more the effect of dissipation or disease, -than the length of years. He was staring hard at the stranger, and -though his eyes were lustreless and heavy at first, they appeared -to glow with an unnatural and alarmed expression after they had -been fixed upon him for a short time, until they seemed to be -starting from their sockets. Edmunds gradually raised himself to -his knees, and looked more and more earnestly on the old man's -face. They gazed upon each other in silence. - -'The old man was ghastly pale. He shuddered and tottered to -his feet. Edmunds sprang to his. He stepped back a pace or two. -Edmunds advanced. - -'"Let me hear you speak," said the convict, in a thick, broken voice. - -'"Stand off!" cried the old man, with a dreadful oath. The -convict drew closer to him. - -'"Stand off!" shrieked the old man. Furious with terror, he -raised his stick, and struck Edmunds a heavy blow across the face. - -'"Father--devil!" murmured the convict between his set -teeth. He rushed wildly forward, and clenched the old man by -the throat--but he was his father; and his arm fell powerless by -his side. - -'The old man uttered a loud yell which rang through the -lonely fields like the howl of an evil spirit. His face turned black, -the gore rushed from his mouth and nose, and dyed the grass a -deep, dark red, as he staggered and fell. He had ruptured a -blood-vessel, and he was a dead man before his son could raise him. -'In that corner of the churchyard,' said the old gentleman, after -a silence of a few moments, 'in that corner of the churchyard of -which I have before spoken, there lies buried a man who was in -my employment for three years after this event, and who was -truly contrite, penitent, and humbled, if ever man was. No one -save myself knew in that man's lifetime who he was, or whence he -came--it was John Edmunds, the returned convict.' - - - -CHAPTER VII -HOW Mr. WINKLE, INSTEAD OF SHOOTING AT THE PIGEON - AND KILLING THE CROW, SHOT AT THE CROW AND - WOUNDED THE PIGEON; HOW THE DINGLEY DELL - CRICKET CLUB PLAYED ALL-MUGGLETON, AND HOW ALL- - MUGGLETON DINED AT THE DINGLEY DELL EXPENSE; - WITH OTHER INTERESTING AND INSTRUCTIVE MATTERS - - -The fatiguing adventures of the day or the somniferous influence -of the clergyman's tale operated so strongly on the drowsy -tendencies of Mr. Pickwick, that in less than five minutes -after he had been shown to his comfortable bedroom he fell -into a sound and dreamless sleep, from which he was only awakened -by the morning sun darting his bright beams reproachfully into the -apartment. Mr. Pickwick was no sluggard, and he sprang like an -ardent warrior from his tent-bedstead. - -'Pleasant, pleasant country,' sighed the enthusiastic gentleman, -as he opened his lattice window. 'Who could live to gaze from -day to day on bricks and slates who had once felt the influence of -a scene like this? Who could continue to exist where there are no -cows but the cows on the chimney-pots; nothing redolent of Pan -but pan-tiles; no crop but stone crop? Who could bear to drag -out a life in such a spot? Who, I ask, could endure it?' and, -having cross-examined solitude after the most approved precedents, -at considerable length, Mr. Pickwick thrust his head out -of the lattice and looked around him. - -The rich, sweet smell of the hay-ricks rose to his chamber -window; the hundred perfumes of the little flower-garden -beneath scented the air around; the deep-green meadows shone -in the morning dew that glistened on every leaf as it trembled -in the gentle air; and the birds sang as if every sparkling drop -were to them a fountain of inspiration. Mr. Pickwick fell into an -enchanting and delicious reverie. - -'Hollo!' was the sound that roused him. - -He looked to the right, but he saw nobody; his eyes wandered -to the left, and pierced the prospect; he stared into the sky, but he -wasn't wanted there; and then he did what a common mind -would have done at once--looked into the garden, and there saw -Mr. Wardle. -'How are you?' said the good-humoured individual, out of -breath with his own anticipations of pleasure.'Beautiful morning, -ain't it? Glad to see you up so early. Make haste down, and -come out. I'll wait for you here.' -Mr. Pickwick needed no second invitation. Ten minutes -sufficed for the completion of his toilet, and at the expiration of -that time he was by the old gentleman's side. - -'Hollo!' said Mr. Pickwick in his turn, seeing that his -companion was armed with a gun, and that another lay ready on the -grass; 'what's going forward?' - -'Why, your friend and I,' replied the host, 'are going out rook- -shooting before breakfast. He's a very good shot, ain't he?' - -'I've heard him say he's a capital one,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -'but I never saw him aim at anything.' - -'Well,' said the host, 'I wish he'd come. Joe--Joe!' - -The fat boy, who under the exciting influence of the morning -did not appear to be more than three parts and a fraction asleep, -emerged from the house. - -'Go up, and call the gentleman, and tell him he'll find me and -Mr. Pickwick in the rookery. Show the gentleman the way there; -d'ye hear?' - -The boy departed to execute his commission; and the host, -carrying both guns like a second Robinson Crusoe, led the way -from the garden. - -'This is the place,' said the old gentleman, pausing after a few -minutes walking, in an avenue of trees. The information was -unnecessary; for the incessant cawing of the unconscious rooks -sufficiently indicated their whereabouts. - -The old gentleman laid one gun on the ground, and loaded the other. - -'Here they are,' said Mr. Pickwick; and, as he spoke, the -forms of Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and Mr. Winkle appeared -in the distance. The fat boy, not being quite certain which -gentleman he was directed to call, had with peculiar sagacity, and -to prevent the possibility of any mistake, called them all. - -'Come along,' shouted the old gentleman, addressing Mr. -Winkle; 'a keen hand like you ought to have been up long ago, -even to such poor work as this.' - -Mr. Winkle responded with a forced smile, and took up the -spare gun with an expression of countenance which a metaphysical -rook, impressed with a foreboding of his approaching -death by violence, may be supposed to assume. It might have -been keenness, but it looked remarkably like misery. -The old gentleman nodded; and two ragged boys who had -been marshalled to the spot under the direction of the infant -Lambert, forthwith commenced climbing up two of the trees. -'What are these lads for?' inquired Mr. Pickwick abruptly. He -was rather alarmed; for he was not quite certain but that the -distress of the agricultural interest, about which he had often -heard a great deal, might have compelled the small boys attached -to the soil to earn a precarious and hazardous subsistence by -making marks of themselves for inexperienced sportsmen. -'Only to start the game,' replied Mr. Wardle, laughing. - -'To what?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, in plain English, to frighten the rooks.' - -'Oh, is that all?' - -'You are satisfied?' - -'Quite.' - -'Very well. Shall I begin?' - -'If you please,' said Mr. Winkle, glad of any respite. - -'Stand aside, then. Now for it.' - -The boy shouted, and shook a branch with a nest on it. Half a -dozen young rooks in violent conversation, flew out to ask what -the matter was. The old gentleman fired by way of reply. Down -fell one bird, and off flew the others. - -'Take him up, Joe,' said the old gentleman. - -There was a smile upon the youth's face as he advanced. -Indistinct visions of rook-pie floated through his imagination. -He laughed as he retired with the bird--it was a plump one. - -'Now, Mr. Winkle,' said the host, reloading his own gun. -'Fire away.' - -Mr. Winkle advanced, and levelled his gun. Mr. Pickwick and -his friends cowered involuntarily to escape damage from the -heavy fall of rooks, which they felt quite certain would be -occasioned by the devastating barrel of their friend. There was a -solemn pause--a shout--a flapping of wings--a faint click. - -'Hollo!' said the old gentleman. - -'Won't it go?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Missed fire,' said Mr. Winkle, who was very pale--probably -from disappointment. - -'Odd,' said the old gentleman, taking the gun. 'Never knew one -of them miss fire before. Why, I don't see anything of the cap.' -'Bless my soul!' said Mr. Winkle, 'I declare I forgot the cap!' - -The slight omission was rectified. Mr. Pickwick crouched -again. Mr. Winkle stepped forward with an air of determination -and resolution; and Mr. Tupman looked out from behind a tree. -The boy shouted; four birds flew out. Mr. Winkle fired. There -was a scream as of an individual--not a rook--in corporal -anguish. Mr. Tupman had saved the lives of innumerable -unoffending birds by receiving a portion of the charge in his left arm. - -To describe the confusion that ensued would be impossible. -To tell how Mr. Pickwick in the first transports of emotion called -Mr. Winkle 'Wretch!' how Mr. Tupman lay prostrate on the -ground; and how Mr. Winkle knelt horror-stricken beside him; -how Mr. Tupman called distractedly upon some feminine -Christian name, and then opened first one eye, and then the -other, and then fell back and shut them both--all this would be -as difficult to describe in detail, as it would be to depict the -gradual recovering of the unfortunate individual, the binding up -of his arm with pocket-handkerchiefs, and the conveying him -back by slow degrees supported by the arms of his anxious friends. - -They drew near the house. The ladies were at the garden gate, -waiting for their arrival and their breakfast. The spinster aunt -appeared; she smiled, and beckoned them to walk quicker. 'Twas -evident she knew not of the disaster. Poor thing! there are times -when ignorance is bliss indeed. - -They approached nearer. - -'Why, what is the matter with the little old gentleman?' said -Isabella Wardle. The spinster aunt heeded not the remark; she -thought it applied to Mr. Pickwick. In her eyes Tracy Tupman -was a youth; she viewed his years through a diminishing glass. - -'Don't be frightened,' called out the old host, fearful of -alarming his daughters. The little party had crowded so -completely round Mr. Tupman, that they could not yet clearly -discern the nature of the accident. - -'Don't be frightened,' said the host. - -'What's the matter?' screamed the ladies. - -'Mr. Tupman has met with a little accident; that's all.' - -The spinster aunt uttered a piercing scream, burst into an -hysteric laugh, and fell backwards in the arms of her nieces. - -'Throw some cold water over her,' said the old gentleman. - -'No, no,' murmured the spinster aunt; 'I am better now. -Bella, Emily--a surgeon! Is he wounded?--Is he dead?--Is -he-- Ha, ha, ha!' Here the spinster aunt burst into fit number -two, of hysteric laughter interspersed with screams. - -'Calm yourself,' said Mr. Tupman, affected almost to tears by -this expression of sympathy with his sufferings. 'Dear, dear -madam, calm yourself.' - -'It is his voice!' exclaimed the spinster aunt; and strong -symptoms of fit number three developed themselves forthwith. - -'Do not agitate yourself, I entreat you, dearest madam,' said -Mr. Tupman soothingly. 'I am very little hurt, I assure you.' - -'Then you are not dead!' ejaculated the hysterical lady. 'Oh, -say you are not dead!' - -'Don't be a fool, Rachael,' interposed Mr. Wardle, rather -more roughly than was consistent with the poetic nature of the -scene. 'What the devil's the use of his saying he isn't dead?' - -'No, no, I am not,' said Mr. Tupman. 'I require no assistance -but yours. Let me lean on your arm.' He added, in a whisper, -'Oh, Miss Rachael!' The agitated female advanced, and offered -her arm. They turned into the breakfast parlour. Mr. Tracy -Tupman gently pressed her hand to his lips, and sank upon the sofa. - -'Are you faint?' inquired the anxious Rachael. - -'No,' said Mr. Tupman. 'It is nothing. I shall be better -presently.' He closed his eyes. - -'He sleeps,' murmured the spinster aunt. (His organs of vision -had been closed nearly twenty seconds.) 'Dear--dear--Mr. Tupman!' - -Mr. Tupman jumped up--'Oh, say those words again!' he exclaimed. - -The lady started. 'Surely you did not hear them!' she -said bashfully. - -'Oh, yes, I did!' replied Mr. Tupman; 'repeat them. If you -would have me recover, repeat them.' -'Hush!' said the lady. 'My brother.' -Mr. Tracy Tupman resumed his former position; and Mr. -Wardle, accompanied by a surgeon, entered the room. - -The arm was examined, the wound dressed, and pronounced -to be a very slight one; and the minds of the company having -been thus satisfied, they proceeded to satisfy their appetites with -countenances to which an expression of cheerfulness was again -restored. Mr. Pickwick alone was silent and reserved. Doubt and -distrust were exhibited in his countenance. His confidence in -Mr. Winkle had been shaken--greatly shaken--by the proceedings -of the morning. -'Are you a cricketer?' inquired Mr. Wardle of the marksman. - -At any other time, Mr. Winkle would have replied in the -affirmative. He felt the delicacy of his situation, and modestly -replied, 'No.' - -'Are you, sir?' inquired Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I was once upon a time,' replied the host; 'but I have given it -up now. I subscribe to the club here, but I don't play.' - -'The grand match is played to-day, I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It is,' replied the host. 'Of course you would like to see it.' - -'I, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'am delighted to view any sports -which may be safely indulged in, and in which the impotent -effects of unskilful people do not endanger human life.' Mr. -Pickwick paused, and looked steadily on Mr. Winkle, who -quailed beneath his leader's searching glance. The great man -withdrew his eyes after a few minutes, and added: 'Shall we be -justified in leaving our wounded friend to the care of the ladies?' - -'You cannot leave me in better hands,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Quite impossible,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -It was therefore settled that Mr. Tupman should be left at -home in charge of the females; and that the remainder of the -guests, under the guidance of Mr. Wardle, should proceed to the -spot where was to be held that trial of skill, which had roused all -Muggleton from its torpor, and inoculated Dingley Dell with a -fever of excitement. - -As their walk, which was not above two miles long, lay -through shady lanes and sequestered footpaths, and as their -conversation turned upon the delightful scenery by which they -were on every side surrounded, Mr. Pickwick was almost -inclined to regret the expedition they had used, when he found -himself in the main street of the town of Muggleton. -Everybody whose genius has a topographical bent knows -perfectly well that Muggleton is a corporate town, with a mayor, -burgesses, and freemen; and anybody who has consulted the -addresses of the mayor to the freemen, or the freemen to the -mayor, or both to the corporation, or all three to Parliament, will -learn from thence what they ought to have known before, that -Muggleton is an ancient and loyal borough, mingling a zealous -advocacy of Christian principles with a devoted attachment to -commercial rights; in demonstration whereof, the mayor, -corporation, and other inhabitants, have presented at divers -times, no fewer than one thousand four hundred and twenty -petitions against the continuance of negro slavery abroad, and -an equal number against any interference with the factory system -at home; sixty-eight in favour of the sale of livings in the Church, -and eighty-six for abolishing Sunday trading in the street. - -Mr. Pickwick stood in the principal street of this illustrious -town, and gazed with an air of curiosity, not unmixed with -interest, on the objects around him. There was an open square -for the market-place; and in the centre of it, a large inn with a -sign-post in front, displaying an object very common in art, but -rarely met with in nature--to wit, a blue lion, with three bow legs -in the air, balancing himself on the extreme point of the centre -claw of his fourth foot. There were, within sight, an auctioneer's -and fire-agency office, a corn-factor's, a linen-draper's, a -saddler's, a distiller's, a grocer's, and a shoe-shop--the last- -mentioned warehouse being also appropriated to the diffusion of -hats, bonnets, wearing apparel, cotton umbrellas, and useful -knowledge. There was a red brick house with a small paved -courtyard in front, which anybody might have known belonged -to the attorney; and there was, moreover, another red brick -house with Venetian blinds, and a large brass door-plate with a -very legible announcement that it belonged to the surgeon. A few -boys were making their way to the cricket-field; and two or three -shopkeepers who were standing at their doors looked as if they -should like to be making their way to the same spot, as indeed to -all appearance they might have done, without losing any great -amount of custom thereby. Mr. Pickwick having paused to make -these observations, to be noted down at a more convenient -period, hastened to rejoin his friends, who had turned out -of the main street, and were already within sight of the field -of battle. - -The wickets were pitched, and so were a couple of marquees -for the rest and refreshment of the contending parties. The game -had not yet commenced. Two or three Dingley Dellers, and All- -Muggletonians, were amusing themselves with a majestic air by -throwing the ball carelessly from hand to hand; and several other -gentlemen dressed like them, in straw hats, flannel jackets, and -white trousers--a costume in which they looked very much like -amateur stone-masons--were sprinkled about the tents, towards -one of which Mr. Wardle conducted the party. - -Several dozen of 'How-are-you's?' hailed the old gentleman's -arrival; and a general raising of the straw hats, and bending -forward of the flannel jackets, followed his introduction of his -guests as gentlemen from London, who were extremely anxious -to witness the proceedings of the day, with which, he had no -doubt, they would be greatly delighted. - -'You had better step into the marquee, I think, Sir,' said one -very stout gentleman, whose body and legs looked like half a -gigantic roll of flannel, elevated on a couple of inflated pillow-cases. - -'You'll find it much pleasanter, Sir,' urged another stout -gentleman, who strongly resembled the other half of the roll of -flannel aforesaid. - -'You're very good,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'This way,' said the first speaker; 'they notch in here--it's the -best place in the whole field;' and the cricketer, panting on before, -preceded them to the tent. - -'Capital game--smart sport--fine exercise--very,' were the -words which fell upon Mr. Pickwick's ear as he entered the tent; -and the first object that met his eyes was his green-coated friend -of the Rochester coach, holding forth, to the no small delight and -edification of a select circle of the chosen of All-Muggleton. His -dress was slightly improved, and he wore boots; but there was no -mistaking him. - -The stranger recognised his friends immediately; and, darting -forward and seizing Mr. Pickwick by the hand, dragged him to a -seat with his usual impetuosity, talking all the while as if the -whole of the arrangements were under his especial patronage -and direction. - -'This way--this way--capital fun--lots of beer--hogsheads; -rounds of beef--bullocks; mustard--cart-loads; glorious day-- -down with you--make yourself at home--glad to see you-- -very.' - -Mr. Pickwick sat down as he was bid, and Mr. Winkle and -Mr. Snodgrass also complied with the directions of their -mysterious friend. Mr. Wardle looked on in silent wonder. - -'Mr. Wardle--a friend of mine,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Friend of yours!--My dear sir, how are you?--Friend of my -friend's--give me your hand, sir'--and the stranger grasped -Mr. Wardle's hand with all the fervour of a close intimacy of -many years, and then stepped back a pace or two as if to take a -full survey of his face and figure, and then shook hands with him -again, if possible, more warmly than before. - -'Well; and how came you here?' said Mr. Pickwick, with a -smile in which benevolence struggled with surprise. -'Come,' replied the stranger--'stopping at Crown--Crown at -Muggleton--met a party--flannel jackets--white trousers-- -anchovy sandwiches--devilled kidney--splendid fellows--glorious.' - -Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently versed in the stranger's system of -stenography to infer from this rapid and disjointed communication -that he had, somehow or other, contracted an acquaintance -with the All-Muggletons, which he had converted, by a process -peculiar to himself, into that extent of good-fellowship on which -a general invitation may be easily founded. His curiosity was -therefore satisfied, and putting on his spectacles he prepared -himself to watch the play which was just commencing. - -All-Muggleton had the first innings; and the interest became -intense when Mr. Dumkins and Mr. Podder, two of the most -renowned members of that most distinguished club, walked, bat -in hand, to their respective wickets. Mr. Luffey, the highest -ornament of Dingley Dell, was pitched to bowl against the -redoubtable Dumkins, and Mr. Struggles was selected to do the -same kind office for the hitherto unconquered Podder. Several -players were stationed, to 'look out,' in different parts of the -field, and each fixed himself into the proper attitude by placing -one hand on each knee, and stooping very much as if he were -'making a back' for some beginner at leap-frog. All the regular -players do this sort of thing;--indeed it is generally supposed that -it is quite impossible to look out properly in any other position. - -The umpires were stationed behind the wickets; the scorers -were prepared to notch the runs; a breathless silence ensued. -Mr. Luffey retired a few paces behind the wicket of the passive -Podder, and applied the ball to his right eye for several seconds. -Dumkins confidently awaited its coming with his eyes fixed on the -motions of Luffey. - -'Play!' suddenly cried the bowler. The ball flew from his hand -straight and swift towards the centre stump of the wicket. The -wary Dumkins was on the alert: it fell upon the tip of the bat, and -bounded far away over the heads of the scouts, who had just -stooped low enough to let it fly over them. - -'Run--run--another.--Now, then throw her up--up with her--stop -there--another--no--yes--no--throw her up, throw her -up!'--Such were the shouts which followed the stroke; and at the -conclusion of which All-Muggleton had scored two. Nor was -Podder behindhand in earning laurels wherewith to garnish -himself and Muggleton. He blocked the doubtful balls, missed the -bad ones, took the good ones, and sent them flying to all parts of -the field. The scouts were hot and tired; the bowlers were -changed and bowled till their arms ached; but Dumkins and -Podder remained unconquered. Did an elderly gentleman essay -to stop the progress of the ball, it rolled between his legs or -slipped between his fingers. Did a slim gentleman try to catch it, -it struck him on the nose, and bounded pleasantly off with -redoubled violence, while the slim gentleman's eyes filled with -water, and his form writhed with anguish. Was it thrown straight -up to the wicket, Dumkins had reached it before the ball. In -short, when Dumkins was caught out, and Podder stumped out, -All-Muggleton had notched some fifty-four, while the score of -the Dingley Dellers was as blank as their faces. The advantage -was too great to be recovered. In vain did the eager Luffey, and -the enthusiastic Struggles, do all that skill and experience could -suggest, to regain the ground Dingley Dell had lost in the contest ---it was of no avail; and in an early period of the winning game -Dingley Dell gave in, and allowed the superior prowess of All-Muggleton. - -The stranger, meanwhile, had been eating, drinking, and -talking, without cessation. At every good stroke he expressed his -satisfaction and approval of the player in a most condescending -and patronising manner, which could not fail to have been -highly gratifying to the party concerned; while at every bad -attempt at a catch, and every failure to stop the ball, he launched -his personal displeasure at the head of the devoted individual in -such denunciations as--'Ah, ah!--stupid'--'Now, butter- -fingers'--'Muff'--'Humbug'--and so forth--ejaculations which -seemed to establish him in the opinion of all around, as a most -excellent and undeniable judge of the whole art and mystery of -the noble game of cricket. - -'Capital game--well played--some strokes admirable,' said the -stranger, as both sides crowded into the tent, at the conclusion of -the game. - -'You have played it, sir?' inquired Mr. Wardle, who had been -much amused by his loquacity. -'Played it! Think I have--thousands of times--not here--West -Indies--exciting thing--hot work--very.' -'It must be rather a warm pursuit in such a climate,' observed -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Warm!--red hot--scorching--glowing. Played a match once--single wicket--friend the -colonel--Sir Thomas Blazo--who -should get the greatest number of runs.--Won the toss--first -innings--seven o'clock A.m.--six natives to look out--went in; -kept in--heat intense--natives all fainted--taken away--fresh -half-dozen ordered--fainted also--Blazo bowling--supported by -two natives--couldn't bowl me out--fainted too--cleared away -the colonel--wouldn't give in--faithful attendant--Quanko -Samba--last man left--sun so hot, bat in blisters, ball scorched -brown--five hundred and seventy runs--rather exhausted-- -Quanko mustered up last remaining strength--bowled me out-- -had a bath, and went out to dinner.' - -'And what became of what's-his-name, Sir?' inquired an -old gentleman. - -'Blazo?' - -'No--the other gentleman.' -'Quanko Samba?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Poor Quanko--never recovered it--bowled on, on my account ---bowled off, on his own--died, sir.' Here the stranger buried his -countenance in a brown jug, but whether to hide his emotion or -imbibe its contents, we cannot distinctly affirm. We only know -that he paused suddenly, drew a long and deep breath, and -looked anxiously on, as two of the principal members of the -Dingley Dell club approached Mr. Pickwick, and said-- - -'We are about to partake of a plain dinner at the Blue Lion, -Sir; we hope you and your friends will join us.' -'Of course,' said Mr. Wardle, 'among our friends we include -Mr.--;' and he looked towards the stranger. - -'Jingle,' said that versatile gentleman, taking the hint at once. -'Jingle--Alfred Jingle, Esq., of No Hall, Nowhere.' - -'I shall be very happy, I am sure,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'So shall I,' said Mr. Alfred Jingle, drawing one arm through -Mr. Pickwick's, and another through Mr. Wardle's, as he -whispered confidentially in the ear of the former gentleman:-- - -'Devilish good dinner--cold, but capital--peeped into the -room this morning--fowls and pies, and all that sort of thing-- -pleasant fellows these--well behaved, too--very.' - -There being no further preliminaries to arrange, the company -straggled into the town in little knots of twos and threes; and -within a quarter of an hour were all seated in the great room of -the Blue Lion Inn, Muggleton--Mr. Dumkins acting as chairman, -and Mr. Luffey officiating as vice. - -There was a vast deal of talking and rattling of knives and -forks, and plates; a great running about of three ponderous- -headed waiters, and a rapid disappearance of the substantial -viands on the table; to each and every of which item of confusion, -the facetious Mr. Jingle lent the aid of half-a-dozen ordinary men -at least. When everybody had eaten as much as possible, the cloth -was removed, bottles, glasses, and dessert were placed on the -table; and the waiters withdrew to 'clear away,'or in other words, -to appropriate to their own private use and emolument whatever -remnants of the eatables and drinkables they could contrive to -lay their hands on. - -Amidst the general hum of mirth and conversation that ensued, -there was a little man with a puffy Say-nothing-to-me,-or-I'll- -contradict-you sort of countenance, who remained very quiet; -occasionally looking round him when the conversation slackened, -as if he contemplated putting in something very weighty; and -now and then bursting into a short cough of inexpressible -grandeur. At length, during a moment of comparative silence, the -little man called out in a very loud, solemn voice,-- - -'Mr. Luffey!' - -Everybody was hushed into a profound stillness as the individual -addressed, replied-- - -'Sir!' - -'I wish to address a few words to you, Sir, if you will entreat the -gentlemen to fill their glasses.' - -Mr. Jingle uttered a patronising 'Hear, hear,' which was -responded to by the remainder of the company; and the glasses -having been filled, the vice-president assumed an air of wisdom -in a state of profound attention; and said-- - -'Mr. Staple.' - -'Sir,' said the little man, rising, 'I wish to address what I have -to say to you and not to our worthy chairman, because our -worthy chairman is in some measure--I may say in a great degree ---the subject of what I have to say, or I may say to--to--' -'State,' suggested Mr. Jingle. - -'Yes, to state,' said the little man, 'I thank my honourable -friend, if he will allow me to call him so (four hears and one -certainly from Mr. Jingle), for the suggestion. Sir, I am a Deller ---a Dingley Deller (cheers). I cannot lay claim to the honour of -forming an item in the population of Muggleton; nor, Sir, I will -frankly admit, do I covet that honour: and I will tell you why, Sir -(hear); to Muggleton I will readily concede all these honours and -distinctions to which it can fairly lay claim--they are too numerous -and too well known to require aid or recapitulation from me. -But, sir, while we remember that Muggleton has given birth to a -Dumkins and a Podder, let us never forget that Dingley Dell can -boast a Luffey and a Struggles. (Vociferous cheering.) Let me not -be considered as wishing to detract from the merits of the former -gentlemen. Sir, I envy them the luxury of their own feelings on -this occasion. (Cheers.) Every gentleman who hears me, is -probably acquainted with the reply made by an individual, who ---to use an ordinary figure of speech--"hung out" in a tub, to -the emperor Alexander:--"if I were not Diogenes," said he, "I -would be Alexander." I can well imagine these gentlemen to say, -"If I were not Dumkins I would be Luffey; if I were not Podder -I would be Struggles." (Enthusiasm.) But, gentlemen of Muggleton, -is it in cricket alone that your fellow-townsmen stand pre-eminent? -Have you never heard of Dumkins and determination? -Have you never been taught to associate Podder with property? -(Great applause.) Have you never, when struggling for your -rights, your liberties, and your privileges, been reduced, if only -for an instant, to misgiving and despair? And when you have -been thus depressed, has not the name of Dumkins laid afresh -within your breast the fire which had just gone out; and has not a -word from that man lighted it again as brightly as if it had never -expired? (Great cheering.) Gentlemen, I beg to surround with a -rich halo of enthusiastic cheering the united names of "Dumkins -and Podder."' - -Here the little man ceased, and here the company commenced -a raising of voices, and thumping of tables, which lasted with -little intermission during the remainder of the evening. Other -toasts were drunk. Mr. Luffey and Mr. Struggles, Mr. Pickwick -and Mr. Jingle, were, each in his turn, the subject of unqualified -eulogium; and each in due course returned thanks for the honour. - -Enthusiastic as we are in the noble cause to which we have -devoted ourselves, we should have felt a sensation of pride which -we cannot express, and a consciousness of having done something -to merit immortality of which we are now deprived, could we -have laid the faintest outline on these addresses before our ardent -readers. Mr. Snodgrass, as usual, took a great mass of notes, -which would no doubt have afforded most useful and valuable -information, had not the burning eloquence of the words or the -feverish influence of the wine made that gentleman's hand so -extremely unsteady, as to render his writing nearly unintelligible, -and his style wholly so. By dint of patient investigation, we have -been enabled to trace some characters bearing a faint resemblance -to the names of the speakers; and we can only discern an entry of -a song (supposed to have been sung by Mr. Jingle), in which the -words 'bowl' 'sparkling' 'ruby' 'bright' and 'wine' are frequently -repeated at short intervals. We fancy, too, that we can discern at -the very end of the notes, some indistinct reference to 'broiled -bones'; and then the words 'cold' 'without' occur: but as any -hypothesis we could found upon them must necessarily rest upon -mere conjecture, we are not disposed to indulge in any of the -speculations to which they may give rise. - -We will therefore return to Mr. Tupman; merely adding that -within some few minutes before twelve o'clock that night, the -convocation of worthies of Dingley Dell and Muggleton were -heard to sing, with great feeling and emphasis, the beautiful and -pathetic national air of - 'We won't go home till morning, - We won't go home till morning, - We won't go home till morning, - Till daylight doth appear.' - - - -CHAPTER VIII -STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE - COURSE OF TRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY - - -The quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell, the presence of so many -of the gentler sex, and the solicitude and anxiety they evinced -in his behalf, were all favourable to the growth and development -of those softer feelings which nature had implanted deep in the -bosom of Mr. Tracy Tupman, and which now appeared destined to -centre in one lovely object. The young ladies were pretty, -their manners winning, their dispositions unexceptionable; but -there was a dignity in the air, a touch-me-not-ishness in the -walk, a majesty in the eye, of the spinster aunt, to which, at their -time of life, they could lay no claim, which distinguished her -from any female on whom Mr. Tupman had ever gazed. That there -was something kindred in their nature, something congenial in -their souls, something mysteriously sympathetic in their bosoms, -was evident. Her name was the first that rose to Mr. Tupman's -lips as he lay wounded on the grass; and her hysteric laughter -was the first sound that fell upon his ear when he was supported -to the house. But had her agitation arisen from an amiable and -feminine sensibility which would have been equally irrepressible -in any case; or had it been called forth by a more ardent and -passionate feeling, which he, of all men living, could alone -awaken? These were the doubts which racked his brain as he lay -extended on the sofa; these were the doubts which he determined -should be at once and for ever resolved. - -it was evening. Isabella and Emily had strolled out with -Mr. Trundle; the deaf old lady had fallen asleep in her chair; the -snoring of the fat boy, penetrated in a low and monotonous -sound from the distant kitchen; the buxom servants were -lounging at the side door, enjoying the pleasantness of the hour, -and the delights of a flirtation, on first principles, with certain -unwieldy animals attached to the farm; and there sat the interesting -pair, uncared for by all, caring for none, and dreaming only -of themselves; there they sat, in short, like a pair of carefully- -folded kid gloves--bound up in each other. - -'I have forgotten my flowers,' said the spinster aunt. - -'Water them now,' said Mr. Tupman, in accents of persuasion. - -'You will take cold in the evening air,' urged the spinster aunt -affectionately. - -'No, no,' said Mr. Tupman, rising; 'it will do me good. Let me -accompany you.' - -The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the -youth was placed, and taking his right arm led him to the garden. - -There was a bower at the farther end, with honeysuckle, -jessamine, and creeping plants--one of those sweet retreats -which humane men erect for the accommodation of spiders. - -The spinster aunt took up a large watering-pot which lay in -one corner, and was about to leave the arbour. Mr. Tupman -detained her, and drew her to a seat beside him. - -'Miss Wardle!' said he. -The spinster aunt trembled, till some pebbles which had -accidentally found their way into the large watering-pot shook -like an infant's rattle. - -'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Tupman, 'you are an angel.' - -'Mr. Tupman!' exclaimed Rachael, blushing as red as the -watering-pot itself. - -'Nay,' said the eloquent Pickwickian--'I know it but too well.' - -'All women are angels, they say,' murmured the lady playfully. - -'Then what can you be; or to what, without presumption, can -I compare you?' replied Mr. Tupman. 'Where was the woman -ever seen who resembled you? Where else could I hope to find so -rare a combination of excellence and beauty? Where else could -I seek to-- Oh!' Here Mr. Tupman paused, and pressed the -hand which clasped the handle of the happy watering-pot. - -The lady turned aside her head. 'Men are such deceivers,' she -softly whispered. - -'They are, they are,' ejaculated Mr. Tupman; 'but not all men. -There lives at least one being who can never change--one being -who would be content to devote his whole existence to your -happiness--who lives but in your eyes--who breathes but in your -smiles--who bears the heavy burden of life itself only for you.' - -'Could such an individual be found--' said the lady. - -'But he CAN be found,' said the ardent Mr. Tupman, interposing. -'He IS found. He is here, Miss Wardle.' And ere the lady -was aware of his intention, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon his knees -at her feet. - -'Mr. Tupman, rise,' said Rachael. - -'Never!' was the valorous reply. 'Oh, Rachael!' He seized her -passive hand, and the watering-pot fell to the ground as he -pressed it to his lips.--'Oh, Rachael! say you love me.' - -'Mr. Tupman,' said the spinster aunt, with averted head, 'I -can hardly speak the words; but--but--you are not wholly -indifferent to me.' - -Mr. Tupman no sooner heard this avowal, than he proceeded -to do what his enthusiastic emotions prompted, and what, for -aught we know (for we are but little acquainted with such -matters), people so circumstanced always do. He jumped up, and, -throwing his arm round the neck of the spinster aunt, imprinted -upon her lips numerous kisses, which after a due show of -struggling and resistance, she received so passively, that there is -no telling how many more Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if -the lady had not given a very unaffected start, and exclaimed in -an affrighted tone-- - -'Mr. Tupman, we are observed!--we are discovered!' - -Mr. Tupman looked round. There was the fat boy, perfectly -motionless, with his large circular eyes staring into the arbour, but -without the slightest expression on his face that the most expert -physiognomist could have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or -any other known passion that agitates the human breast. Mr. -Tupman gazed on the fat boy, and the fat boy stared at him; and -the longer Mr. Tupman observed the utter vacancy of the fat -boy's countenance, the more convinced he became that he either -did not know, or did not understand, anything that had been -going forward. Under this impression, he said with great firmness-- - -'What do you want here, Sir?' - -'Supper's ready, sir,' was the prompt reply. - -'Have you just come here, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, with a -piercing look. - -'Just,' replied the fat boy. - -Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but there was not -a wink in his eye, or a curve in his face. - -Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, and walked -towards the house; the fat boy followed behind. - -'He knows nothing of what has happened,'he whispered. - -'Nothing,' said the spinster aunt. - -There was a sound behind them, as of an imperfectly suppressed -chuckle. Mr. Tupman turned sharply round. No; it could not -have been the fat boy; there was not a gleam of mirth, or anything -but feeding in his whole visage. - -'He must have been fast asleep,' whispered Mr. Tupman. - -'I have not the least doubt of it,' replied the spinster aunt. - -They both laughed heartily. - -Mr, Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, had not been -fast asleep. He was awake--wide awake--to what had been going forward. - -The supper passed off without any attempt at a general -conversation. The old lady had gone to bed; Isabella Wardle -devoted herself exclusively to Mr. Trundle; the spinster's attentions -were reserved for Mr. Tupman; and Emily's thoughts -appeared to be engrossed by some distant object--possibly they -were with the absent Snodgrass. - -Eleven--twelve--one o'clock had struck, and the gentlemen -had not arrived. Consternation sat on every face. Could they -have been waylaid and robbed? Should they send men and -lanterns in every direction by which they could be supposed -likely to have travelled home? or should they-- Hark! there -they were. What could have made them so late? A strange voice, -too! To whom could it belong? They rushed into the kitchen, -whither the truants had repaired, and at once obtained rather -more than a glimmering of the real state of the case. - -Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and his hat -cocked completely over his left eye, was leaning against the -dresser, shaking his head from side to side, and producing a -constant succession of the blandest and most benevolent smiles -without being moved thereunto by any discernible cause or -pretence whatsoever; old Mr. Wardle, with a highly-inflamed -countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gentleman -muttering protestations of eternal friendship; Mr. Winkle, -supporting himself by the eight-day clock, was feebly invoking -destruction upon the head of any member of the family who -should suggest the propriety of his retiring for the night; and -Mr. Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with an expression of the -most abject and hopeless misery that the human mind can -imagine, portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face. - -'is anything the matter?' inquired the three ladies. - -'Nothing the matter,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'We--we're--all -right.--I say, Wardle, we're all right, ain't we?' - -'I should think so,' replied the jolly host.--'My dears, here's my -friend Mr. Jingle--Mr. Pickwick's friend, Mr. Jingle, come 'pon ---little visit.' - -'Is anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, Sir?' inquired -Emily, with great anxiety. - -'Nothing the matter, ma'am,' replied the stranger. 'Cricket -dinner--glorious party--capital songs--old port--claret--good ---very good--wine, ma'am--wine.' - -'It wasn't the wine,' murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken -voice. 'It was the salmon.' (Somehow or other, it never is the -wine, in these cases.) - -'Hadn't they better go to bed, ma'am?' inquired Emma. 'Two -of the boys will carry the gentlemen upstairs.' - -'I won't go to bed,' said Mr. Winkle firmly. - -'No living boy shall carry me,' said Mr. Pickwick stoutly; and -he went on smiling as before. -'Hurrah!' gasped Mr. Winkle faintly. - -'Hurrah!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat and dashing -it on the floor, and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle -of the kitchen. At this humorous feat he laughed outright. - -'Let's--have--'nother--bottle,'cried Mr. Winkle, commencing -in a very loud key, and ending in a very faint one. His head -dropped upon his breast; and, muttering his invincible determination -not to go to his bed, and a sanguinary regret that he had -not 'done for old Tupman' in the morning, he fell fast asleep; in -which condition he was borne to his apartment by two young -giants under the personal superintendence of the fat boy, to -whose protecting care Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterwards confided -his own person, Mr. Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of -Mr. Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more than ever; -and Mr. Wardle, after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole -family as if he were ordered for immediate execution, consigned -to Mr. Trundle the honour of conveying him upstairs, and -retired, with a very futile attempt to look impressively solemn -and dignified. -'What a shocking scene!' said the spinster aunt. - -'Dis-gusting!' ejaculated both the young ladies. - -'Dreadful--dreadful!' said Jingle, looking very grave: he was -about a bottle and a half ahead of any of his companions. -'Horrid spectacle--very!' - -'What a nice man!' whispered the spinster aunt to Mr. Tupman. - -'Good-looking, too!' whispered Emily Wardle. - -'Oh, decidedly,' observed the spinster aunt. - -Mr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester, and his mind -was troubled. The succeeding half-hour's conversation was not -of a nature to calm his perturbed spirit. The new visitor was very -talkative, and the number of his anecdotes was only to be -exceeded by the extent of his politeness. Mr. Tupman felt that as -Jingle's popularity increased, he (Tupman) retired further into the -shade. His laughter was forced--his merriment feigned; and -when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets, he -thought, with horrid delight, on the satisfaction it would afford -him to have Jingle's head at that moment between the feather bed -and the mattress. - -The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning, and, -although his companions remained in bed overpowered with the -dissipation of the previous night, exerted himself most successfully -to promote the hilarity of the breakfast-table. So successful -were his efforts, that even the deaf old lady insisted on having one -or two of his best jokes retailed through the trumpet; and even -she condescended to observe to the spinster aunt, that 'He' -(meaning Jingle) 'was an impudent young fellow:' a sentiment in -which all her relations then and there present thoroughly -coincided. - -It was the old lady's habit on the fine summer mornings to -repair to the arbour in which Mr. Tupman had already signalised -himself, in form and manner following: first, the fat boy fetched -from a peg behind the old lady's bedroom door, a close black -satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl, and a thick stick with a -capacious handle; and the old lady, having put on the bonnet and -shawl at her leisure, would lean one hand on the stick and the -other on the fat boy's shoulder, and walk leisurely to the arbour, -where the fat boy would leave her to enjoy the fresh air for the -space of half an hour; at the expiration of which time he would -return and reconduct her to the house. - -The old lady was very precise and very particular; and as this -ceremony had been observed for three successive summers -without the slightest deviation from the accustomed form, -she was not a little surprised on this particular morning to see -the fat boy, instead of leaving the arbour, walk a few paces out -of it, look carefully round him in every direction, and return -towards her with great stealth and an air of the most profound mystery. - -The old lady was timorous--most old ladies are--and her first -impression was that the bloated lad was about to do her some -grievous bodily harm with the view of possessing himself of her -loose coin. She would have cried for assistance, but age and -infirmity had long ago deprived her of the power of screaming; -she, therefore, watched his motions with feelings of intense horror -which were in no degree diminished by his coming close up to her, -and shouting in her ear in an agitated, and as it seemed to her, a -threatening tone-- - -'Missus!' - -Now it so happened that Mr. Jingle was walking in the garden -close to the arbour at that moment. He too heard the shouts of -'Missus,' and stopped to hear more. There were three reasons for -his doing so. In the first place, he was idle and curious; secondly, -he was by no means scrupulous; thirdly, and lastly, he was -concealed from view by some flowering shrubs. So there he -stood, and there he listened. - -'Missus!' shouted the fat boy. - -'Well, Joe,' said the trembling old lady. 'I'm sure I have been -a good mistress to you, Joe. You have invariably been treated -very kindly. You have never had too much to do; and you have -always had enough to eat.' - -This last was an appeal to the fat boy's most sensitive feelings. -He seemed touched, as he replied emphatically-- -'I knows I has.' - -'Then what can you want to do now?' said the old lady, -gaining courage. - -'I wants to make your flesh creep,' replied the boy. - -This sounded like a very bloodthirsty mode of showing one's -gratitude; and as the old lady did not precisely understand the -process by which such a result was to be attained, all her former -horrors returned. - -'What do you think I see in this very arbour last night?' -inquired the boy. - -'Bless us! What?' exclaimed the old lady, alarmed at the -solemn manner of the corpulent youth. - -'The strange gentleman--him as had his arm hurt--a-kissin' -and huggin'--' - -'Who, Joe? None of the servants, I hope.' -'Worser than that,' roared the fat boy, in the old lady's ear. - -'Not one of my grandda'aters?' - -'Worser than that.' - -'Worse than that, Joe!' said the old lady, who had thought this -the extreme limit of human atrocity. 'Who was it, Joe? I insist -upon knowing.' - -The fat boy looked cautiously round, and having concluded -his survey, shouted in the old lady's ear-- - -'Miss Rachael.' - -'What!' said the old lady, in a shrill tone. 'Speak louder.' - -'Miss Rachael,' roared the fat boy. - -'My da'ater!' - -The train of nods which the fat boy gave by way of assent, -communicated a blanc-mange like motion to his fat cheeks. - -'And she suffered him!' exclaimed the old lady. -A grin stole over the fat boy's features as he said-- - -'I see her a-kissin' of him agin.' - -If Mr. Jingle, from his place of concealment, could have -beheld the expression which the old lady's face assumed at this -communication, the probability is that a sudden burst of -laughter would have betrayed his close vicinity to the summer- -house. He listened attentively. Fragments of angry sentences such -as, 'Without my permission!'--'At her time of life'--'Miserable -old 'ooman like me'--'Might have waited till I was dead,' and so -forth, reached his ears; and then he heard the heels of the fat -boy's boots crunching the gravel, as he retired and left the old -lady alone. - -It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps, but it was nevertheless -a fact, that Mr. Jingle within five minutes of his arrival at Manor -Farm on the preceding night, had inwardly resolved to lay siege -to the heart of the spinster aunt, without delay. He had observation -enough to see, that his off-hand manner was by no means -disagreeable to the fair object of his attack; and he had more -than a strong suspicion that she possessed that most desirable of -all requisites, a small independence. The imperative necessity of -ousting his rival by some means or other, flashed quickly upon -him, and he immediately resolved to adopt certain proceedings -tending to that end and object, without a moment's delay. -Fielding tells us that man is fire, and woman tow, and the Prince -of Darkness sets a light to 'em. Mr. Jingle knew that young men, -to spinster aunts, are as lighted gas to gunpowder, and he -determined to essay the effect of an explosion without loss of time. - -Full of reflections upon this important decision, he crept from -his place of concealment, and, under cover of the shrubs before -mentioned, approached the house. Fortune seemed determined to -favour his design. Mr. Tupman and the rest of the gentlemen left -the garden by the side gate just as he obtained a view of it; and -the young ladies, he knew, had walked out alone, soon after -breakfast. The coast was clear. - -The breakfast-parlour door was partially open. He peeped in. -The spinster aunt was knitting. He coughed; she looked up and -smiled. Hesitation formed no part of Mr. Alfred Jingle's -character. He laid his finger on his lips mysteriously, walked in, -and closed the door. - -'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Jingle, with affected earnestness, -'forgive intrusion--short acquaintance--no time for ceremony-- -all discovered.' - -'Sir!' said the spinster aunt, rather astonished by the unexpected -apparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr. Jingle's sanity. - -'Hush!' said Mr. Jingle, in a stage-whisper--'Large boy-- -dumpling face--round eyes--rascal!' Here he shook his head -expressively, and the spinster aunt trembled with agitation. - -'I presume you allude to Joseph, Sir?' said the lady, making an -effort to appear composed. - -'Yes, ma'am--damn that Joe!--treacherous dog, Joe--told the -old lady--old lady furious--wild--raving--arbour--Tupman-- -kissing and hugging--all that sort of thing--eh, ma'am--eh?' - -'Mr. Jingle,' said the spinster aunt, 'if you come here, Sir, to -insult me--' - -'Not at all--by no means,' replied the unabashed Mr. Jingle-- -'overheard the tale--came to warn you of your danger--tender -my services--prevent the hubbub. Never mind--think it an -insult--leave the room'--and he turned, as if to carry the threat -into execution. - -'What SHALL I do!' said the poor spinster, bursting into tears. -'My brother will be furious.' - -'Of course he will,' said Mr. Jingle pausing--'outrageous.' -'Oh, Mr. Jingle, what CAN I say!' exclaimed the spinster aunt, in -another flood of despair. - -'Say he dreamt it,' replied Mr. Jingle coolly. - -A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at -this suggestion. Mr. Jingle perceived it, and followed up his advantage. - -'Pooh, pooh!--nothing more easy--blackguard boy--lovely -woman--fat boy horsewhipped--you believed--end of the -matter--all comfortable.' - -Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of -this ill-timed discovery was delightful to the spinster's feelings, or -whether the hearing herself described as a 'lovely woman' -softened the asperity of her grief, we know not. She blushed -slightly, and cast a grateful look on Mr. Jingle. - -That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply, fixed his eyes on the -spinster aunt's face for a couple of minutes, started melodramatically, -and suddenly withdrew them. - -'You seem unhappy, Mr. Jingle,' said the lady, in a plaintive -voice. 'May I show my gratitude for your kind interference, -by inquiring into the cause, with a view, if possible, to its removal?' - -'Ha!' exclaimed Mr. Jingle, with another start--'removal! -remove my unhappiness, and your love bestowed upon a man -who is insensible to the blessing--who even now contemplates a -design upon the affections of the niece of the creature who--but -no; he is my friend; I will not expose his vices. Miss Wardle-- -farewell!' At the conclusion of this address, the most consecutive -he was ever known to utter, Mr. Jingle applied to his eyes the -remnant of a handkerchief before noticed, and turned towards -the door. - -'Stay, Mr. Jingle!' said the spinster aunt emphatically. 'You -have made an allusion to Mr. Tupman--explain it.' - -'Never!' exclaimed Jingle, with a professional (i.e., theatrical) -air. 'Never!' and, by way of showing that he had no desire to be -questioned further, he drew a chair close to that of the spinster -aunt and sat down. - -'Mr. Jingle,' said the aunt, 'I entreat--I implore you, if there -is any dreadful mystery connected with Mr. Tupman, reveal it.' - -'Can I,' said Mr. Jingle, fixing his eyes on the aunt's face-- -'can I see--lovely creature--sacrificed at the shrine-- -heartless avarice!' He appeared to be struggling with various -conflicting emotions for a few seconds, and then said in a low voice-- - -'Tupman only wants your money.' - -'The wretch!' exclaimed the spinster, with energetic indignation. -(Mr. Jingle's doubts were resolved. She HAD money.) - -'More than that,' said Jingle--'loves another.' - -'Another!' ejaculated the spinster. 'Who?' -'Short girl--black eyes--niece Emily.' - -There was a pause. - -Now, if there was one individual in the whole world, of whom -the spinster aunt entertained a mortal and deep-rooted jealousy, -it was this identical niece. The colour rushed over her face and -neck, and she tossed her head in silence with an air of ineffable -contempt. At last, biting her thin lips, and bridling up, she said-- - -'It can't be. I won't believe it.' - -'Watch 'em,' said Jingle. - -'I will,' said the aunt. - -'Watch his looks.' - -'I will.' - -'His whispers.' - -'I will.' - -'He'll sit next her at table.' - -'Let him.' - -'He'll flatter her.' - -'Let him.' - -'He'll pay her every possible attention.' - -'Let him.' - -'And he'll cut you.' - -'Cut ME!' screamed the spinster aunt. 'HE cut ME; will he!' and -she trembled with rage and disappointment. - -'You will convince yourself?' said Jingle. - -'I will.' - -'You'll show your spirit?' - -'I will.' -'You'll not have him afterwards?' - -'Never.' - -'You'll take somebody else?' -'Yes.' - -'You shall.' - -Mr. Jingle fell on his knees, remained thereupon for five -minutes thereafter; and rose the accepted lover of the spinster -aunt--conditionally upon Mr. Tupman's perjury being made -clear and manifest. - -The burden of proof lay with Mr. Alfred Jingle; and he -produced his evidence that very day at dinner. The spinster aunt -could hardly believe her eyes. Mr. Tracy Tupman was established -at Emily's side, ogling, whispering, and smiling, in opposition to -Mr. Snodgrass. Not a word, not a look, not a glance, did he -bestow upon his heart's pride of the evening before. - -'Damn that boy!' thought old Mr. Wardle to himself.--He had -heard the story from his mother. 'Damn that boy! He must have -been asleep. It's all imagination.' - -'Traitor!' thought the spinster aunt. 'Dear Mr. Jingle was not -deceiving me. Ugh! how I hate the wretch!' - -The following conversation may serve to explain to our readers -this apparently unaccountable alteration of deportment on the -part of Mr. Tracy Tupman. - -The time was evening; the scene the garden. There were two -figures walking in a side path; one was rather short and stout; -the other tall and slim. They were Mr. Tupman and Mr. Jingle. -The stout figure commenced the dialogue. - -'How did I do it?' he inquired. - -'Splendid--capital--couldn't act better myself--you must -repeat the part to-morrow--every evening till further notice.' - -'Does Rachael still wish it?' - -'Of course--she don't like it--but must be done--avert -suspicion--afraid of her brother--says there's no help for it-- -only a few days more--when old folks blinded--crown your happiness.' - -'Any message?' - -'Love--best love--kindest regards--unalterable affection. -Can I say anything for you?' - -'My dear fellow,' replied the unsuspicious Mr. Tupman, -fervently grasping his 'friend's' hand--'carry my best love--say -how hard I find it to dissemble--say anything that's kind: but add -how sensible I am of the necessity of the suggestion she made to -me, through you, this morning. Say I applaud her wisdom and -admire her discretion.' -'I will. Anything more?' - -'Nothing, only add how ardently I long for the time when I -may call her mine, and all dissimulation may be unnecessary.' - -'Certainly, certainly. Anything more?' - -'Oh, my friend!' said poor Mr. Tupman, again grasping the -hand of his companion, 'receive my warmest thanks for your -disinterested kindness; and forgive me if I have ever, even in -thought, done you the injustice of supposing that you could stand -in my way. My dear friend, can I ever repay you?' - -'Don't talk of it,' replied Mr. Jingle. He stopped short, as if -suddenly recollecting something, and said--'By the bye--can't -spare ten pounds, can you?--very particular purpose--pay you -in three days.' - -'I dare say I can,' replied Mr. Tupman, in the fulness of his -heart. 'Three days, you say?' - -'Only three days--all over then--no more difficulties.' -Mr. Tupman counted the money into his companion's hand, -and he dropped it piece by piece into his pocket, as they walked -towards the house. - -'Be careful,' said Mr. Jingle--'not a look.' - -'Not a wink,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Not a syllable.' - -'Not a whisper.' - -'All your attentions to the niece--rather rude, than otherwise, -to the aunt--only way of deceiving the old ones.' - -'I'll take care,' said Mr. Tupman aloud. - -'And I'LL take care,' said Mr. Jingle internally; and they -entered the house. - -The scene of that afternoon was repeated that evening, and on -the three afternoons and evenings next ensuing. On the fourth, -the host was in high spirits, for he had satisfied himself that there -was no ground for the charge against Mr. Tupman. So was Mr. -Tupman, for Mr. Jingle had told him that his affair would soon -be brought to a crisis. So was Mr. Pickwick, for he was seldom -otherwise. So was not Mr. Snodgrass, for he had grown jealous -of Mr. Tupman. So was the old lady, for she had been winning -at whist. So were Mr. Jingle and Miss Wardle, for reasons of -sufficient importance in this eventful history to be narrated in -another chapter. - - -CHAPTER IX -A DISCOVERY AND A CHASE - - -The supper was ready laid, the chairs were drawn round the -table, bottles, jugs, and glasses were arranged upon the -sideboard, and everything betokened the approach of the most -convivial period in the whole four-and-twenty hours. - -'Where's Rachael?' said Mr. Wardle. - -'Ay, and Jingle?' added Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear me,' said the host, 'I wonder I haven't missed him before. -Why, I don't think I've heard his voice for two hours at least. -Emily, my dear, ring the bell.' - -The bell was rung, and the fat boy appeared. - -'Where's Miss Rachael?' He couldn't say. -'Where's Mr. Jingle, then?' He didn't know. -Everybody looked surprised. It was late--past eleven o'clock. -Mr. Tupman laughed in his sleeve. They were loitering somewhere, -talking about him. Ha, ha! capital notion that--funny. - -'Never mind,' said Wardle, after a short pause. 'They'll turn up -presently, I dare say. I never wait supper for anybody.' - -'Excellent rule, that,' said Mr. Pickwick--'admirable.' - -'Pray, sit down,' said the host. - -'Certainly' said Mr. Pickwick; and down they sat. - -There was a gigantic round of cold beef on the table, and -Mr. Pickwick was supplied with a plentiful portion of it. He had -raised his fork to his lips, and was on the very point of opening -his mouth for the reception of a piece of beef, when the hum of -many voices suddenly arose in the kitchen. He paused, and laid -down his fork. Mr. Wardle paused too, and insensibly released -his hold of the carving-knife, which remained inserted -in the beef. He looked at Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick looked -at him. - -Heavy footsteps were heard in the passage; the parlour door -was suddenly burst open; and the man who had cleaned Mr. -Pickwick's boots on his first arrival, rushed into the room, -followed by the fat boy and all the domestics. -'What the devil's the meaning of this?' exclaimed the host. - -'The kitchen chimney ain't a-fire, is it, Emma?' inquired the -old lady. -'Lor, grandma! No,' screamed both the young ladies. - -'What's the matter?' roared the master of the house. - -The man gasped for breath, and faintly ejaculated-- - -'They ha' gone, mas'r!--gone right clean off, Sir!' (At this -juncture Mr. Tupman was observed to lay down his knife and -fork, and to turn very pale.) - -'Who's gone?' said Mr. Wardle fiercely. - -'Mus'r Jingle and Miss Rachael, in a po'-chay, from Blue Lion, -Muggleton. I was there; but I couldn't stop 'em; so I run off to -tell 'ee.' - -'I paid his expenses!' said Mr. Tupman, jumping up frantically. -'He's got ten pounds of mine!--stop him!--he's swindled me!-- -I won't bear it!--I'll have justice, Pickwick!--I won't stand it!' -and with sundry incoherent exclamations of the like nature, the -unhappy gentleman spun round and round the apartment, in a -transport of frenzy. - -'Lord preserve us!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, eyeing the -extraordinary gestures of his friend with terrified surprise. 'He's -gone mad! What shall we do?' -'Do!' said the stout old host, who regarded only the last words -of the sentence. 'Put the horse in the gig! I'll get a chaise at the -Lion, and follow 'em instantly. Where?'--he exclaimed, as the -man ran out to execute the commission--'where's that villain, Joe?' - -'Here I am! but I hain't a willin,' replied a voice. It was the -fat boy's. - -'Let me get at him, Pickwick,' cried Wardle, as he rushed at the -ill-starred youth. 'He was bribed by that scoundrel, Jingle, to put -me on a wrong scent, by telling a cock-and-bull story of my -sister and your friend Tupman!' (Here Mr. Tupman sank into a -chair.) 'Let me get at him!' - -'Don't let him!' screamed all the women, above whose -exclamations the blubbering of the fat boy was distinctly audible. - -'I won't be held!' cried the old man. 'Mr. Winkle, take your -hands off. Mr. Pickwick, let me go, sir!' - -It was a beautiful sight, in that moment of turmoil and confusion, -to behold the placid and philosophical expression of -Mr. Pickwick's face, albeit somewhat flushed with exertion, as he -stood with his arms firmly clasped round the extensive waist of -their corpulent host, thus restraining the impetuosity of his -passion, while the fat boy was scratched, and pulled, and pushed -from the room by all the females congregated therein. He had no -sooner released his hold, than the man entered to announce that -the gig was ready. - -'Don't let him go alone!' screamed the females. 'He'll kill -somebody!' - -'I'll go with him,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You're a good fellow, Pickwick,' said the host, grasping his -hand. 'Emma, give Mr. Pickwick a shawl to tie round his neck-- -make haste. Look after your grandmother, girls; she has fainted -away. Now then, are you ready?' - -Mr. Pickwick's mouth and chin having been hastily enveloped -in a large shawl, his hat having been put on his head, and his -greatcoat thrown over his arm, he replied in the affirmative. - -They jumped into the gig. 'Give her her head, Tom,' cried the -host; and away they went, down the narrow lanes; jolting in and -out of the cart-ruts, and bumping up against the hedges on either -side, as if they would go to pieces every moment. - -'How much are they ahead?' shouted Wardle, as they drove up -to the door of the Blue Lion, round which a little crowd had -collected, late as it was. - -'Not above three-quarters of an hour,' was everybody's reply. -'Chaise-and-four directly!--out with 'em! Put up the gig -afterwards.' - -'Now, boys!' cried the landlord--'chaise-and-four out--make -haste--look alive there!' - -Away ran the hostlers and the boys. The lanterns glimmered, -as the men ran to and fro; the horses' hoofs clattered on the -uneven paving of the yard; the chaise rumbled as it was drawn out -of the coach-house; and all was noise and bustle. - -'Now then!--is that chaise coming out to-night?' cried Wardle. - -'Coming down the yard now, Sir,' replied the hostler. - -Out came the chaise--in went the horses--on sprang the boys ---in got the travellers. - -'Mind--the seven-mile stage in less than half an hour!' -shouted Wardle. - -'Off with you!' - -The boys applied whip and spur, the waiters shouted, the -hostlers cheered, and away they went, fast and furiously. - -'Pretty situation,' thought Mr. Pickwick, when he had had a -moment's time for reflection. 'Pretty situation for the general -chairman of the Pickwick Club. Damp chaise--strange horses-- -fifteen miles an hour--and twelve o'clock at night!' - -For the first three or four miles, not a word was spoken by -either of the gentlemen, each being too much immersed in his own -reflections to address any observations to his companion. When -they had gone over that much ground, however, and the horses -getting thoroughly warmed began to do their work in really -good style, Mr. Pickwick became too much exhilarated with the -rapidity of the motion, to remain any longer perfectly mute. - -'We're sure to catch them, I think,' said he. - -'Hope so,' replied his companion. - -'Fine night,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking up at the moon, which -was shining brightly. - -'So much the worse,' returned Wardle; 'for they'll have had all -the advantage of the moonlight to get the start of us, and we shall -lose it. It will have gone down in another hour.' - - -'It will be rather unpleasant going at this rate in the dark, -won't it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I dare say it will,' replied his friend dryly. - -Mr. Pickwick's temporary excitement began to sober down a -little, as he reflected upon the inconveniences and dangers of -the expedition in which he had so thoughtlessly embarked. -He was roused by a loud shouting of the post-boy on the leader. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yo-yoe!' went the first boy. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yoe!' went the second. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yoe!' chimed in old Wardle himself, most -lustily, with his head and half his body out of the coach window. - -'Yo-yo-yo-yoe!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, taking up the -burden of the cry, though he had not the slightest notion of its -meaning or object. And amidst the yo-yoing of the whole four, -the chaise stopped. - -'What's the matter?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'There's a gate here,' replied old Wardle. 'We shall hear something -of the fugitives.' - -After a lapse of five minutes, consumed in incessant knocking -and shouting, an old man in his shirt and trousers emerged from -the turnpike-house, and opened the gate. - -'How long is it since a post-chaise went through here?' -inquired Mr. Wardle. - -'How long?' - -'ah!' - -'Why, I don't rightly know. It worn't a long time ago, nor it -worn't a short time ago--just between the two, perhaps.' - -'Has any chaise been by at all?' - -'Oh, yes, there's been a Shay by.' - -'How long ago, my friend,' interposed Mr. Pickwick; 'an hour?' - -'Ah, I dare say it might be,' replied the man. - -'Or two hours?' inquired the post--boy on the wheeler. - -'Well, I shouldn't wonder if it was,' returned the old man -doubtfully. - -'Drive on, boys,' cried the testy old gentleman; 'don't waste -any more time with that old idiot!' - -'Idiot!' exclaimed the old man with a grin, as he stood in the -middle of the road with the gate half-closed, watching the chaise -which rapidly diminished in the increasing distance. 'No--not -much o' that either; you've lost ten minutes here, and gone away -as wise as you came, arter all. If every man on the line as has a -guinea give him, earns it half as well, you won't catch t'other shay -this side Mich'lmas, old short-and-fat.' And with another -prolonged grin, the old man closed the gate, re-entered his house, -and bolted the door after him. - -Meanwhile the chaise proceeded, without any slackening of -pace, towards the conclusion of the stage. The moon, as Wardle -had foretold, was rapidly on the wane; large tiers of dark, heavy -clouds, which had been gradually overspreading the sky for some -time past, now formed one black mass overhead; and large drops -of rain which pattered every now and then against the windows -of the chaise, seemed to warn the travellers of the rapid approach -of a stormy night. The wind, too, which was directly against them, -swept in furious gusts down the narrow road, and howled -dismally through the trees which skirted the pathway. Mr. Pickwick -drew his coat closer about him, coiled himself more snugly -up into the corner of the chaise, and fell into a sound sleep, from -which he was only awakened by the stopping of the vehicle, -the sound of the hostler's bell, and a loud cry of 'Horses on -directly!' - -But here another delay occurred. The boys were sleeping with -such mysterious soundness, that it took five minutes a-piece to -wake them. The hostler had somehow or other mislaid the key of -the stable, and even when that was found, two sleepy helpers put -the wrong harness on the wrong horses, and the whole process of -harnessing had to be gone through afresh. Had Mr. Pickwick been -alone, these multiplied obstacles would have completely put an end to -the pursuit at once, but old Wardle was not to be so easily daunted; -and he laid about him with such hearty good-will, cuffing this man, -and pushing that; strapping a buckle here, and taking in a link -there, that the chaise was ready in a much shorter time than could -reasonably have been expected, under so many difficulties. - -They resumed their journey; and certainly the prospect before -them was by no means encouraging. The stage was fifteen miles -long, the night was dark, the wind high, and the rain pouring in -torrents. It was impossible to make any great way against such -obstacles united; it was hard upon one o'clock already; and -nearly two hours were consumed in getting to the end of the -stage. Here, however, an object presented itself, which rekindled -their hopes, and reanimated their drooping spirits. - -'When did this chaise come in?' cried old Wardle, leaping out -of his own vehicle, and pointing to one covered with wet mud, -which was standing in the yard. - -'Not a quarter of an hour ago, sir,' replied the hostler, to whom -the question was addressed. -'Lady and gentleman?' inquired Wardle, almost breathless -with impatience. - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Tall gentleman--dress-coat--long legs--thin body?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Elderly lady--thin face--rather skinny--eh?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'By heavens, it's the couple, Pickwick,' exclaimed the old -gentleman. - -'Would have been here before,' said the hostler, 'but they broke -a trace.' - -''Tis them!' said Wardle, 'it is, by Jove! Chaise-and-four -instantly! We shall catch them yet before they reach the next -stage. A guinea a-piece, boys-be alive there--bustle about-- -there's good fellows.' - -And with such admonitions as these, the old gentleman ran up -and down the yard, and bustled to and fro, in a state of excitement -which communicated itself to Mr. Pickwick also; and -under the influence of which, that gentleman got himself into -complicated entanglements with harness, and mixed up with -horses and wheels of chaises, in the most surprising manner, -firmly believing that by so doing he was materially forwarding the -preparations for their resuming their journey. - -'Jump in--jump in!' cried old Wardle, climbing into the -chaise, pulling up the steps, and slamming the door after him. -'Come along! Make haste!' And before Mr. Pickwick knew -precisely what he was about, he felt himself forced in at the other -door, by one pull from the old gentleman and one push from the -hostler; and off they were again. - -'Ah! we are moving now,' said the old gentleman exultingly. -They were indeed, as was sufficiently testified to Mr. Pickwick, by -his constant collision either with the hard wood-work of the -chaise, or the body of his companion. - -'Hold up!' said the stout old Mr. Wardle, as Mr. Pickwick -dived head foremost into his capacious waistcoat. - -'I never did feel such a jolting in my life,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never mind,' replied his companion, 'it will soon be over. -Steady, steady.' - -Mr. Pickwick planted himself into his own corner, as firmly as -he could; and on whirled the chaise faster than ever. - -They had travelled in this way about three miles, when Mr. -Wardle, who had been looking out of the Window for two or -three minutes, suddenly drew in his face, covered with splashes, -and exclaimed in breathless eagerness-- - -'Here they are!' - -Mr. Pickwick thrust his head out of his window. Yes: there -was a chaise-and-four, a short distance before them, dashing -along at full gallop. - -'Go on, go on,' almost shrieked the old gentleman. 'Two -guineas a-piece, boys--don't let 'em gain on us--keep it up-- -keep it up.' - -The horses in the first chaise started on at their utmost speed; -and those in Mr. Wardle's galloped furiously behind them. - -'I see his head,' exclaimed the choleric old man; 'damme, I see -his head.' - -'So do I' said Mr. Pickwick; 'that's he.' -Mr. Pickwick was not mistaken. The countenance of Mr. Jingle, -completely coated with mud thrown up by the wheels, was plainly -discernible at the window of his chaise; and the motion of his arm, -which was waving violently towards the postillions, denoted that -he was encouraging them to increased exertion. - -The interest was intense. Fields, trees, and hedges, seemed to -rush past them with the velocity of a whirlwind, so rapid was the -pace at which they tore along. They were close by the side of the -first chaise. Jingle's voice could be plainly heard, even above the -din of the wheels, urging on the boys. Old Mr. Wardle foamed -with rage and excitement. He roared out scoundrels and villains -by the dozen, clenched his fist and shook it expressively at the -object of his indignation; but Mr. Jingle only answered with a -contemptuous smile, and replied to his menaces by a shout of -triumph, as his horses, answering the increased application of whip -and spur, broke into a faster gallop, and left the pursuers behind. - -Mr. Pickwick had just drawn in his head, and Mr. Wardle, -exhausted with shouting, had done the same, when a tremendous -jolt threw them forward against the front of the vehicle. There was -a sudden bump--a loud crash--away rolled a wheel, and over -went the chaise. - -After a very few seconds of bewilderment and confusion, in -which nothing but the plunging of horses, and breaking of glass -could be made out, Mr. Pickwick felt himself violently pulled out -from among the ruins of the chaise; and as soon as he had gained -his feet, extricated his head from the skirts of his greatcoat, -which materially impeded the usefulness of his spectacles, the full -disaster of the case met his view. - -Old Mr. Wardle without a hat, and his clothes torn in several -places, stood by his side, and the fragments of the chaise lay -scattered at their feet. The post-boys, who had succeeded in -cutting the traces, were standing, disfigured with mud and disordered -by hard riding, by the horses' heads. About a hundred -yards in advance was the other chaise, which had pulled up on -hearing the crash. The postillions, each with a broad grin -convulsing his countenance, were viewing the adverse party from -their saddles, and Mr. Jingle was contemplating the wreck from -the coach window, with evident satisfaction. The day was just -breaking, and the whole scene was rendered perfectly visible by -the grey light of the morning. - -'Hollo!' shouted the shameless Jingle, 'anybody damaged?-- -elderly gentlemen--no light weights--dangerous work--very.' - -'You're a rascal,' roared Wardle. - -'Ha! ha!' replied Jingle; and then he added, with a knowing -wink, and a jerk of the thumb towards the interior of the chaise-- -'I say--she's very well--desires her compliments--begs you won't -trouble yourself--love to TUPPY--won't you get up behind?-- -drive on, boys.' - -The postillions resumed their proper attitudes, and away -rattled the chaise, Mr. Jingle fluttering in derision a white -handkerchief from the coach window. - -Nothing in the whole adventure, not even the upset, had -disturbed the calm and equable current of Mr. Pickwick's -temper. The villainy, however, which could first borrow money -of his faithful follower, and then abbreviate his name to 'Tuppy,' -was more than he could patiently bear. He drew his breath hard, -and coloured up to the very tips of his spectacles, as he said, -slowly and emphatically-- - -'If ever I meet that man again, I'll--' - -'Yes, yes,' interrupted Wardle, 'that's all very well; but while we -stand talking here, they'll get their licence, and be married in London.' - -Mr. Pickwick paused, bottled up his vengeance, and corked it down. -'How far is it to the next stage?' inquired Mr. Wardle, of one -of the boys. - -'Six mile, ain't it, Tom?' - -'Rayther better.' - -'Rayther better nor six mile, Sir.' - -'Can't be helped,' said Wardle, 'we must walk it, Pickwick.' - -'No help for it,' replied that truly great man. - -So sending forward one of the boys on horseback, to procure -a fresh chaise and horses, and leaving the other behind to take -care of the broken one, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Wardle set -manfully forward on the walk, first tying their shawls round their -necks, and slouching down their hats to escape as much as -possible from the deluge of rain, which after a slight cessation -had again begun to pour heavily down. - - - -CHAPTER X -CLEARING UP ALL DOUBTS (IF ANY EXISTED) OF THE - DISINTERESTEDNESS OF Mr. A. JINGLE'S CHARACTER - - -There are in London several old inns, once the headquarters -of celebrated coaches in the days when coaches performed -their journeys in a graver and more solemn manner than -they do in these times; but which have now degenerated into little -more than the abiding and booking-places of country wagons. The -reader would look in vain for any of these ancient hostelries, -among the Golden Crosses and Bull and Mouths, which rear -their stately fronts in the improved streets of London. If he -would light upon any of these old places, he must direct his steps -to the obscurer quarters of the town, and there in some secluded -nooks he will find several, still standing with a kind of gloomy -sturdiness, amidst the modern innovations which surround them. - -In the Borough especially, there still remain some half-dozen -old inns, which have preserved their external features unchanged, -and which have escaped alike the rage for public improvement and -the encroachments of private speculation. Great, rambling queer -old places they are, with galleries, and passages, and staircases, -wide enough and antiquated enough to furnish materials for a hundred -ghost stories, supposing we should ever be reduced to the lamentable -necessity of inventing any, and that the world should exist long -enough to exhaust the innumerable veracious legends connected with -old London Bridge, and its adjacent neighbourhood on the Surrey side. - -It was in the yard of one of these inns--of no less celebrated a -one than the White Hart--that a man was busily employed in -brushing the dirt off a pair of boots, early on the morning -succeeding the events narrated in the last chapter. He was -habited in a coarse, striped waistcoat, with black calico sleeves, -and blue glass buttons; drab breeches and leggings. A bright red -handkerchief was wound in a very loose and unstudied style -round his neck, and an old white hat was carelessly thrown on -one side of his head. There were two rows of boots before him, -one cleaned and the other dirty, and at every addition he made -to the clean row, he paused from his work, and contemplated its -results with evident satisfaction. - -The yard presented none of that bustle and activity which are -the usual characteristics of a large coach inn. Three or four -lumbering wagons, each with a pile of goods beneath its ample -canopy, about the height of the second-floor window of an -ordinary house, were stowed away beneath a lofty roof which -extended over one end of the yard; and another, which was -probably to commence its journey that morning, was drawn out -into the open space. A double tier of bedroom galleries, with old -Clumsy balustrades, ran round two sides of the straggling area, -and a double row of bells to correspond, sheltered from the -weather by a little sloping roof, hung over the door leading to the -bar and coffee-room. Two or three gigs and chaise-carts were -wheeled up under different little sheds and pent-houses; and the -occasional heavy tread of a cart-horse, or rattling of a chain at -the farther end of the yard, announced to anybody who cared -about the matter, that the stable lay in that direction. When -we add that a few boys in smock-frocks were lying asleep on -heavy packages, wool-packs, and other articles that were -scattered about on heaps of straw, we have described as fully -as need be the general appearance of the yard of the White -Hart Inn, High Street, Borough, on the particular morning in question. - -A loud ringing of one of the bells was followed by the appearance -of a smart chambermaid in the upper sleeping gallery, who, -after tapping at one of the doors, and receiving a request from -within, called over the balustrades-- -'Sam!' - -'Hollo,' replied the man with the white hat. - -'Number twenty-two wants his boots.' - -'Ask number twenty-two, vether he'll have 'em now, or vait -till he gets 'em,' was the reply. - -'Come, don't be a fool, Sam,' said the girl coaxingly, 'the -gentleman wants his boots directly.' - -'Well, you ARE a nice young 'ooman for a musical party, you -are,' said the boot-cleaner. 'Look at these here boots--eleven -pair o' boots; and one shoe as belongs to number six, with the -wooden leg. The eleven boots is to be called at half-past eight and -the shoe at nine. Who's number twenty-two, that's to put all the -others out? No, no; reg'lar rotation, as Jack Ketch said, ven he -tied the men up. Sorry to keep you a-waitin', Sir, but I'll attend -to you directly.' - -Saying which, the man in the white hat set to work upon a -top-boot with increased assiduity. - -There was another loud ring; and the bustling old landlady of -the White Hart made her appearance in the opposite gallery. - -'Sam,' cried the landlady, 'where's that lazy, idle-- why, Sam-- -oh, there you are; why don't you answer?' - -'Vouldn't be gen-teel to answer, till you'd done talking,' -replied Sam gruffly. - -'Here, clean these shoes for number seventeen directly, and -take 'em to private sitting-room, number five, first floor.' - -The landlady flung a pair of lady's shoes into the yard, and -bustled away. - -'Number five,' said Sam, as he picked up the shoes, and taking -a piece of chalk from his pocket, made a memorandum of their -destination on the soles--'Lady's shoes and private sittin'- -room! I suppose she didn't come in the vagin.' - -'She came in early this morning,' cried the girl, who was still -leaning over the railing of the gallery, 'with a gentleman in a -hackney-coach, and it's him as wants his boots, and you'd better -do 'em, that's all about it.' - -'Vy didn't you say so before,' said Sam, with great indignation, -singling out the boots in question from the heap before him. 'For -all I know'd he was one o' the regular threepennies. Private room! -and a lady too! If he's anything of a gen'l'm'n, he's vurth a -shillin' a day, let alone the arrands.' -Stimulated by this inspiring reflection, Mr. Samuel brushed -away with such hearty good-will, that in a few minutes the boots -and shoes, with a polish which would have struck envy to the soul -of the amiable Mr. Warren (for they used Day & Martin at the -White Hart), had arrived at the door of number five. - -'Come in,' said a man's voice, in reply to Sam's rap at the door. -Sam made his best bow, and stepped into the presence of a -lady and gentleman seated at breakfast. Having officiously -deposited the gentleman's boots right and left at his feet, and -the lady's shoes right and left at hers, he backed towards the door. - -'Boots,' said the gentleman. - -'Sir,' said Sam, closing the door, and keeping his hand on the -knob of the lock. -'Do you know--what's a-name--Doctors' Commons?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'Where is it?' - -'Paul's Churchyard, Sir; low archway on the carriage side, -bookseller's at one corner, hot-el on the other, and two porters -in the middle as touts for licences.' - -'Touts for licences!' said the gentleman. - -'Touts for licences,' replied Sam. 'Two coves in vhite aprons-- -touches their hats ven you walk in--"Licence, Sir, licence?" -Queer sort, them, and their mas'rs, too, sir--Old Bailey Proctors ---and no mistake.' - -'What do they do?' inquired the gentleman. - -'Do! You, Sir! That ain't the worst on it, neither. They puts -things into old gen'l'm'n's heads as they never dreamed of. My -father, Sir, wos a coachman. A widower he wos, and fat enough -for anything--uncommon fat, to be sure. His missus dies, and -leaves him four hundred pound. Down he goes to the Commons, -to see the lawyer and draw the blunt--very smart--top boots on ---nosegay in his button-hole--broad-brimmed tile--green shawl ---quite the gen'l'm'n. Goes through the archvay, thinking how -he should inwest the money--up comes the touter, touches his -hat--"Licence, Sir, licence?"--"What's that?" says my father.-- -"Licence, Sir," says he.--"What licence?" says my father.-- -"Marriage licence," says the touter.--"Dash my veskit," says my -father, "I never thought o' that."--"I think you wants one, Sir," -says the touter. My father pulls up, and thinks a bit--"No," says -he, "damme, I'm too old, b'sides, I'm a many sizes too large," -says he.--"Not a bit on it, Sir," says the touter.--"Think not?" -says my father.--"I'm sure not," says he; "we married a gen'l'm'n -twice your size, last Monday."--"Did you, though?" said my -father.--"To be sure, we did," says the touter, "you're a babby -to him--this way, sir--this way!"--and sure enough my father -walks arter him, like a tame monkey behind a horgan, into a little -back office, vere a teller sat among dirty papers, and tin boxes, -making believe he was busy. "Pray take a seat, vile I makes out -the affidavit, Sir," says the lawyer.--"Thank'ee, Sir," says my -father, and down he sat, and stared with all his eyes, and his -mouth vide open, at the names on the boxes. "What's your name, -Sir," says the lawyer.--"Tony Weller," says my father.--"Parish?" -says the lawyer. "Belle Savage," says my father; for he stopped -there wen he drove up, and he know'd nothing about parishes, he -didn't.--"And what's the lady's name?" says the lawyer. My -father was struck all of a heap. "Blessed if I know," says he.-- -"Not know!" says the lawyer.--"No more nor you do," says my -father; "can't I put that in arterwards?"--"Impossible!" says -the lawyer.--"Wery well," says my father, after he'd thought a -moment, "put down Mrs. Clarke."--"What Clarke?" says the -lawyer, dipping his pen in the ink.--"Susan Clarke, Markis o' -Granby, Dorking," says my father; "she'll have me, if I ask. I -des-say--I never said nothing to her, but she'll have me, I know." -The licence was made out, and she DID have him, and what's more -she's got him now; and I never had any of the four hundred -pound, worse luck. Beg your pardon, sir,' said Sam, when he had -concluded, 'but wen I gets on this here grievance, I runs on like a -new barrow with the wheel greased.' Having said which, and -having paused for an instant to see whether he was wanted for -anything more, Sam left the room. - -'Half-past nine--just the time--off at once;' said the gentleman, -whom we need hardly introduce as Mr. Jingle. - -'Time--for what?' said the spinster aunt coquettishly. - -'Licence, dearest of angels--give notice at the church--call you -mine, to-morrow'--said Mr. Jingle, and he squeezed the spinster -aunt's hand. - -'The licence!' said Rachael, blushing. - - -'The licence,' repeated Mr. Jingle-- - 'In hurry, post-haste for a licence, - In hurry, ding dong I come back.' - -'How you run on,' said Rachael. - -'Run on--nothing to the hours, days, weeks, months, years, -when we're united--run on--they'll fly on--bolt--mizzle-- -steam-engine--thousand-horse power--nothing to it.' - -'Can't--can't we be married before to-morrow morning?' -inquired Rachael. -'Impossible--can't be--notice at the church--leave the licence -to-day--ceremony come off to-morrow.' -'I am so terrified, lest my brother should discover us!' said Rachael. - -'Discover--nonsense--too much shaken by the break-down-- -besides--extreme caution--gave up the post-chaise--walked on ---took a hackney-coach--came to the Borough--last place in the -world that he'd look in--ha! ha!--capital notion that--very.' - -'Don't be long,' said the spinster affectionately, as Mr. Jingle -stuck the pinched-up hat on his head. - -'Long away from you?--Cruel charmer;' and Mr. Jingle -skipped playfully up to the spinster aunt, imprinted a chaste kiss -upon her lips, and danced out of the room. - -'Dear man!' said the spinster, as the door closed after him. - -'Rum old girl,' said Mr. Jingle, as he walked down the passage. - -It is painful to reflect upon the perfidy of our species; and we -will not, therefore, pursue the thread of Mr. Jingle's meditations, -as he wended his way to Doctors' Commons. It will be sufficient -for our purpose to relate, that escaping the snares of the dragons -in white aprons, who guard the entrance to that enchanted -region, he reached the vicar-general's office in safety and having -procured a highly flattering address on parchment, from the -Archbishop of Canterbury, to his 'trusty and well-beloved Alfred -Jingle and Rachael Wardle, greeting,' he carefully deposited the -mystic document in his pocket, and retraced his steps in triumph -to the Borough. - -He was yet on his way to the White Hart, when two plump -gentleman and one thin one entered the yard, and looked round -in search of some authorised person of whom they could make a -few inquiries. Mr. Samuel Weller happened to be at that moment -engaged in burnishing a pair of painted tops, the personal -property of a farmer who was refreshing himself with a slight -lunch of two or three pounds of cold beef and a pot or two of -porter, after the fatigues of the Borough market; and to him the -thin gentleman straightway advanced. - -'My friend,' said the thin gentleman. - -'You're one o' the adwice gratis order,' thought Sam, 'or you -wouldn't be so wery fond o' me all at once.' But he only said-- -'Well, Sir.' - -'My friend,' said the thin gentleman, with a conciliatory hem-- -'have you got many people stopping here now? Pretty busy. Eh?' - -Sam stole a look at the inquirer. He was a little high-dried -man, with a dark squeezed-up face, and small, restless, black -eyes, that kept winking and twinkling on each side of his little -inquisitive nose, as if they were playing a perpetual game of -peep-bo with that feature. He was dressed all in black, with boots -as shiny as his eyes, a low white neckcloth, and a clean shirt with -a frill to it. A gold watch-chain, and seals, depended from his fob. -He carried his black kid gloves IN his hands, and not ON them; -and as he spoke, thrust his wrists beneath his coat tails, with the -air of a man who was in the habit of propounding some regular posers. - -'Pretty busy, eh?' said the little man. - -'Oh, wery well, Sir,' replied Sam, 'we shan't be bankrupts, and -we shan't make our fort'ns. We eats our biled mutton without -capers, and don't care for horse-radish ven ve can get beef.' - -'Ah,' said the little man, 'you're a wag, ain't you?' - -'My eldest brother was troubled with that complaint,' said -Sam; 'it may be catching--I used to sleep with him.' - -'This is a curious old house of yours,' said the little man, -looking round him. - -'If you'd sent word you was a-coming, we'd ha' had it repaired;' -replied the imperturbable Sam. - -The little man seemed rather baffled by these several repulses, -and a short consultation took place between him and the two -plump gentlemen. At its conclusion, the little man took a pinch -of snuff from an oblong silver box, and was apparently on the -point of renewing the conversation, when one of the plump -gentlemen, who in addition to a benevolent countenance, -possessed a pair of spectacles, and a pair of black gaiters, -interfered-- - -'The fact of the matter is,' said the benevolent gentleman, 'that -my friend here (pointing to the other plump gentleman) will give -you half a guinea, if you'll answer one or two--' - -'Now, my dear sir--my dear Sir,' said the little man, 'pray, -allow me--my dear Sir, the very first principle to be observed in -these cases, is this: if you place the matter in the hands of a -professional man, you must in no way interfere in the progress of -the business; you must repose implicit confidence in him. Really, -Mr.--' He turned to the other plump gentleman, and said, 'I -forget your friend's name.' - -'Pickwick,' said Mr. Wardle, for it was no other than that jolly -personage. - -'Ah, Pickwick--really Mr. Pickwick, my dear Sir, excuse me-- -I shall be happy to receive any private suggestions of yours, as -AMICUS CURIAE, but you must see the impropriety of your interfering -with my conduct in this case, with such an AD CAPTANDUM argument as the -offer of half a guinea. Really, my dear Sir, really;' and the little -man took an argumentative pinch of snuff, and looked very profound. - -'My only wish, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'was to bring this very -unpleasant matter to as speedy a close as possible.' - -'Quite right--quite right,' said the little man. - -'With which view,' continued Mr. Pickwick, 'I made use of the -argument which my experience of men has taught me is the most -likely to succeed in any case.' - -'Ay, ay,' said the little man, 'very good, very good, indeed; but -you should have suggested it to me. My dear sir, I'm quite certain -you cannot be ignorant of the extent of confidence which must be -placed in professional men. If any authority can be necessary on -such a point, my dear sir, let me refer you to the well-known case -in Barnwell and--' - -'Never mind George Barnwell,' interrupted Sam, who had -remained a wondering listener during this short colloquy; -'everybody knows what sort of a case his was, tho' it's always -been my opinion, mind you, that the young 'ooman deserved -scragging a precious sight more than he did. Hows'ever, that's -neither here nor there. You want me to accept of half a guinea. -Wery well, I'm agreeable: I can't say no fairer than that, can I, -sir?' (Mr. Pickwick smiled.) Then the next question is, what the -devil do you want with me, as the man said, wen he see the ghost?' - -'We want to know--' said Mr. Wardle. - -'Now, my dear sir--my dear sir,' interposed the busy little man. - -Mr. Wardle shrugged his shoulders, and was silent. - -'We want to know,' said the little man solemnly; 'and we ask -the question of you, in order that we may not awaken apprehensions -inside--we want to know who you've got in this house at present?' - -'Who there is in the house!' said Sam, in whose mind the -inmates were always represented by that particular article of their -costume, which came under his immediate superintendence. -'There's a vooden leg in number six; there's a pair of Hessians in -thirteen; there's two pair of halves in the commercial; there's -these here painted tops in the snuggery inside the bar; and five -more tops in the coffee-room.' - -'Nothing more?' said the little man. - -'Stop a bit,' replied Sam, suddenly recollecting himself. 'Yes; -there's a pair of Vellingtons a good deal worn, and a pair o' -lady's shoes, in number five.' - -'What sort of shoes?' hastily inquired Wardle, who, together -with Mr. Pickwick, had been lost in bewilderment at the singular -catalogue of visitors. - -'Country make,' replied Sam. - -'Any maker's name?' - -'Brown.' - -'Where of?' - -'Muggleton. - -'It is them,' exclaimed Wardle. 'By heavens, we've found them.' - -'Hush!' said Sam. 'The Vellingtons has gone to Doctors' Commons.' - -'No,' said the little man. - -'Yes, for a licence.' - -'We're in time,' exclaimed Wardle. 'Show us the room; not a -moment is to be lost.' - -'Pray, my dear sir--pray,' said the little man; 'caution, -caution.' He drew from his pocket a red silk purse, and looked -very hard at Sam as he drew out a sovereign. - -Sam grinned expressively. - -'Show us into the room at once, without announcing us,' said -the little man, 'and it's yours.' - -Sam threw the painted tops into a corner, and led the way -through a dark passage, and up a wide staircase. He paused at -the end of a second passage, and held out his hand. - -'Here it is,' whispered the attorney, as he deposited the money -on the hand of their guide. - -The man stepped forward for a few paces, followed by the two -friends and their legal adviser. He stopped at a door. - -'Is this the room?' murmured the little gentleman. - -Sam nodded assent. - -Old Wardle opened the door; and the whole three walked into -the room just as Mr. Jingle, who had that moment returned, had -produced the licence to the spinster aunt. - -The spinster uttered a loud shriek, and throwing herself into a -chair, covered her face with her hands. Mr. Jingle crumpled up -the licence, and thrust it into his coat pocket. The unwelcome -visitors advanced into the middle of the room. -'You--you are a nice rascal, arn't you?' exclaimed Wardle, -breathless with passion. - -'My dear Sir, my dear sir,' said the little man, laying his hat on -the table, 'pray, consider--pray. Defamation of character: action -for damages. Calm yourself, my dear sir, pray--' - -'How dare you drag my sister from my house?' said the old man. - -Ay--ay--very good,' said the little gentleman, 'you may ask -that. How dare you, sir?--eh, sir?' - -'Who the devil are you?' inquired Mr. Jingle, in so fierce a -tone, that the little gentleman involuntarily fell back a step or two. - -'Who is he, you scoundrel,' interposed Wardle. 'He's my -lawyer, Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn. Perker, I'll have this fellow -prosecuted--indicted--I'll--I'll--I'll ruin him. And you,' continued -Mr. Wardle, turning abruptly round to his sister--'you, -Rachael, at a time of life when you ought to know better, what -do you mean by running away with a vagabond, disgracing your -family, and making yourself miserable? Get on your bonnet and -come back. Call a hackney-coach there, directly, and bring this -lady's bill, d'ye hear--d'ye hear?' -'Cert'nly, Sir,' replied Sam, who had answered Wardle's -violent ringing of the bell with a degree of celerity which must -have appeared marvellous to anybody who didn't know that his -eye had been applied to the outside of the keyhole during the -whole interview. - -'Get on your bonnet,' repeated Wardle. - -'Do nothing of the kind,' said Jingle. 'Leave the room, Sir-- -no business here--lady's free to act as she pleases--more than -one-and-twenty.' - -'More than one-and-twenty!' ejaculated Wardle contemptuously. -'More than one-and-forty!' - -'I ain't,' said the spinster aunt, her indignation getting the -better of her determination to faint. - -'You are,' replied Wardle; 'you're fifty if you're an hour.' - -Here the spinster aunt uttered a loud shriek, and became senseless. - -'A glass of water,' said the humane Mr. Pickwick, summoning -the landlady. - -'A glass of water!' said the passionate Wardle. 'Bring a -bucket, and throw it all over her; it'll do her good, and she -richly deserves it.' - -'Ugh, you brute!' ejaculated the kind-hearted landlady. 'Poor -dear.' And with sundry ejaculations of 'Come now, there's a dear ---drink a little of this--it'll do you good--don't give way so-- -there's a love,' etc. etc., the landlady, assisted by a chambermaid, -proceeded to vinegar the forehead, beat the hands, titillate the -nose, and unlace the stays of the spinster aunt, and to administer -such other restoratives as are usually applied by compassionate -females to ladies who are endeavouring to ferment themselves -into hysterics. - -'Coach is ready, Sir,' said Sam, appearing at the door. - -'Come along,' cried Wardle. 'I'll carry her downstairs.' - -At this proposition, the hysterics came on with redoubled violence. -The landlady was about to enter a very violent protest against -this proceeding, and had already given vent to an indignant -inquiry whether Mr. Wardle considered himself a lord of the -creation, when Mr. Jingle interposed-- - -'Boots,' said he, 'get me an officer.' - -'Stay, stay,' said little Mr. Perker. 'Consider, Sir, consider.' - -'I'll not consider,' replied Jingle. 'She's her own mistress--see -who dares to take her away--unless she wishes it.' - -'I WON'T be taken away,' murmured the spinster aunt. 'I DON'T -wish it.' (Here there was a frightful relapse.) - -'My dear Sir,' said the little man, in a low tone, taking Mr. -Wardle and Mr. Pickwick apart--'my dear Sir, we're in a very -awkward situation. It's a distressing case--very; I never knew -one more so; but really, my dear sir, really we have no power to -control this lady's actions. I warned you before we came, my dear -sir, that there was nothing to look to but a compromise.' - -There was a short pause. - -'What kind of compromise would you recommend?' inquired -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, my dear Sir, our friend's in an unpleasant position--very -much so. We must be content to suffer some pecuniary loss.' - -'I'll suffer any, rather than submit to this disgrace, and let her, -fool as she is, be made miserable for life,' said Wardle. - -'I rather think it can be done,' said the bustling little man. -'Mr. Jingle, will you step with us into the next room for a -moment?' - -Mr. Jingle assented, and the quartette walked into an empty apartment. - -'Now, sir,' said the little man, as he carefully closed the door, -'is there no way of accommodating this matter--step this way, -sir, for a moment--into this window, Sir, where we can be alone ---there, sir, there, pray sit down, sir. Now, my dear Sir, between -you and I, we know very well, my dear Sir, that you have run off -with this lady for the sake of her money. Don't frown, Sir, don't -frown; I say, between you and I, WE know it. We are both men of -the world, and WE know very well that our friends here, are not--eh?' - -Mr. Jingle's face gradually relaxed; and something distantly -resembling a wink quivered for an instant in his left eye. - -'Very good, very good,' said the little man, observing the -impression he had made. 'Now, the fact is, that beyond a few -hundreds, the lady has little or nothing till the death of her -mother--fine old lady, my dear Sir.' - -'OLD,' said Mr. Jingle briefly but emphatically. - -'Why, yes,' said the attorney, with a slight cough. 'You are -right, my dear Sir, she is rather old. She comes of an old family -though, my dear Sir; old in every sense of the word. The founder -of that family came into Kent when Julius Caesar invaded -Britain;--only one member of it, since, who hasn't lived to eighty-five, -and he was beheaded by one of the Henrys. The old lady -is not seventy-three now, my dear Sir.' The little man paused, and -took a pinch of snuff. - -'Well,' cried Mr. Jingle. - -'Well, my dear sir--you don't take snuff!--ah! so much the -better--expensive habit--well, my dear Sir, you're a fine young -man, man of the world--able to push your fortune, if you had -capital, eh?' - -'Well,' said Mr. Jingle again. - -'Do you comprehend me?' - -'Not quite.' - -'Don't you think--now, my dear Sir, I put it to you don't you -think--that fifty pounds and liberty would be better than Miss -Wardle and expectation?' - -'Won't do--not half enough!' said Mr. Jingle, rising. - -'Nay, nay, my dear Sir,' remonstrated the little attorney, -seizing him by the button. 'Good round sum--a man like you -could treble it in no time--great deal to be done with fifty pounds, -my dear Sir.' - -'More to be done with a hundred and fifty,' replied Mr. Jingle coolly. - -'Well, my dear Sir, we won't waste time in splitting straws,' -resumed the little man, 'say--say--seventy.' -'Won't do,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'Don't go away, my dear sir--pray don't hurry,' said the little -man. 'Eighty; come: I'll write you a cheque at once.' - -'Won't do,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'Well, my dear Sir, well,' said the little man, still detaining him; -'just tell me what WILL do.' - -'Expensive affair,' said Mr. Jingle. 'Money out of pocket-- -posting, nine pounds; licence, three--that's twelve--compensation, -a hundred--hundred and twelve--breach of honour--and -loss of the lady--' - -'Yes, my dear Sir, yes,' said the little man, with a knowing look, -'never mind the last two items. That's a hundred and twelve--say -a hundred--come.' - -'And twenty,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'Come, come, I'll write you a cheque,' said the little man; and -down he sat at the table for that purpose. - -'I'll make it payable the day after to-morrow,' said the little -man, with a look towards Mr. Wardle; 'and we can get the lady -away, meanwhile.' Mr. Wardle sullenly nodded assent. - -'A hundred,' said the little man. - -'And twenty,' said Mr. Jingle. - -'My dear Sir,' remonstrated the little man. - -'Give it him,' interposed Mr. Wardle, 'and let him go.' - -The cheque was written by the little gentleman, and pocketed -by Mr. Jingle. - -'Now, leave this house instantly!' said Wardle, starting up. - -'My dear Sir,' urged the little man. - -'And mind,' said Mr. Wardle, 'that nothing should have -induced me to make this compromise--not even a regard for my -family--if I had not known that the moment you got any money -in that pocket of yours, you'd go to the devil faster, if possible, -than you would without it--' - -'My dear sir,' urged the little man again. - -'Be quiet, Perker,' resumed Wardle. 'Leave the room, Sir.' - -'Off directly,' said the unabashed Jingle. 'Bye bye, Pickwick.' -If any dispassionate spectator could have beheld the countenance -of the illustrious man, whose name forms the leading -feature of the title of this work, during the latter part of this -conversation, he would have been almost induced to wonder that -the indignant fire which flashed from his eyes did not melt the -glasses of his spectacles--so majestic was his wrath. His nostrils -dilated, and his fists clenched involuntarily, as he heard himself -addressed by the villain. But he restrained himself again--he did -not pulverise him. - -'Here,' continued the hardened traitor, tossing the licence at -Mr. Pickwick's feet; 'get the name altered--take home the lady ---do for Tuppy.' - -Mr. Pickwick was a philosopher, but philosophers are only -men in armour, after all. The shaft had reached him, penetrated -through his philosophical harness, to his very heart. In the frenzy -of his rage, he hurled the inkstand madly forward, and followed -it up himself. But Mr. Jingle had disappeared, and he found -himself caught in the arms of Sam. - -'Hollo,' said that eccentric functionary, 'furniter's cheap -where you come from, Sir. Self-acting ink, that 'ere; it's wrote -your mark upon the wall, old gen'l'm'n. Hold still, Sir; wot's the -use o' runnin' arter a man as has made his lucky, and got to -t'other end of the Borough by this time?' - -Mr. Pickwick's mind, like those of all truly great men, was open -to conviction. He was a quick and powerful reasoner; and -a moment's reflection sufficed to remind him of the impotency -of his rage. It subsided as quickly as it had been roused. -He panted for breath, and looked benignantly round upon his -friends. - -Shall we tell the lamentations that ensued when Miss Wardle -found herself deserted by the faithless Jingle? Shall we extract -Mr. Pickwick's masterly description of that heartrending scene? -His note-book, blotted with the tears of sympathising humanity, -lies open before us; one word, and it is in the printer's hands. -But, no! we will be resolute! We will not wring the public -bosom, with the delineation of such suffering! - -Slowly and sadly did the two friends and the deserted lady -return next day in the Muggleton heavy coach. Dimly and -darkly had the sombre shadows of a summer's night fallen upon -all around, when they again reached Dingley Dell, and stood -within the entrance to Manor Farm. - - - -CHAPTER XI -INVOLVING ANOTHER JOURNEY, AND AN ANTIQUARIAN - DISCOVERY; RECORDING Mr. PICKWICK'S DETERMINATION - TO BE PRESENT AT AN ELECTION; AND CONTAINING - A MANUSCRIPT OF THE OLD CLERGYMAN'S - - -A night of quiet and repose in the profound silence of Dingley -Dell, and an hour's breathing of its fresh and fragrant air -on the ensuing morning, completely recovered Mr. Pickwick -from the effects of his late fatigue of body and anxiety of mind. -That illustrious man had been separated from his friends and -fol lowers for two whole days; and it was with a degree of pleasure -and delight, which no common imagination can adequately -conceive, that he stepped forward to greet Mr. Winkle and Mr. -Snodgrass, as he encountered those gentlemen on his return from -his early walk. The pleasure was mutual; for who could ever gaze -on Mr. Pickwick's beaming face without experiencing the -sensation? But still a cloud seemed to hang over his companions -which that great man could not but be sensible of, and was wholly -at a loss to account for. There was a mysterious air about them -both, as unusual as it was alarming. - -'And how,' said Mr. Pickwick, when he had grasped his -followers by the hand, and exchanged warm salutations of -welcome--'how is Tupman?' - -Mr. Winkle, to whom the question was more peculiarly -addressed, made no reply. He turned away his head, and appeared -absorbed in melancholy reflection. - -'Snodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick earnestly, 'how is our friend-- -he is not ill?' - -'No,' replied Mr. Snodgrass; and a tear trembled on his -sentimental eyelid, like a rain-drop on a window-frame-'no; he -is not ill.' - -Mr. Pickwick stopped, and gazed on each of his friends in turn. - -'Winkle--Snodgrass,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'what does this -mean? Where is our friend? What has happened? Speak--I -conjure, I entreat--nay, I command you, speak.' - -There was a solemnity--a dignity--in Mr. Pickwick's manner, -not to be withstood. - -'He is gone,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Gone!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'Gone!' - -'Gone,' repeated Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Where!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. - -'We can only guess, from that communication,' replied Mr. -Snodgrass, taking a letter from his pocket, and placing it in his -friend's hand. 'Yesterday morning, when a letter was received -from Mr. Wardle, stating that you would be home with his sister -at night, the melancholy which had hung over our friend during -the whole of the previous day, was observed to increase. He -shortly afterwards disappeared: he was missing during the whole -day, and in the evening this letter was brought by the hostler -from the Crown, at Muggleton. It had been left in his charge in -the morning, with a strict injunction that it should not be -delivered until night.' - -Mr. Pickwick opened the epistle. It was in his friend's hand- -writing, and these were its contents:-- - -'MY DEAR PICKWICK,--YOU, my dear friend, are placed far -beyond the reach of many mortal frailties and weaknesses which -ordinary people cannot overcome. You do not know what it -is, at one blow, to be deserted by a lovely and fascinating -creature, and to fall a victim to the artifices of a villain, who had -the grin of cunning beneath the mask of friendship. I hope you -never may. - -'Any letter addressed to me at the Leather Bottle, Cobham, -Kent, will be forwarded--supposing I still exist. I hasten from -the sight of that world, which has become odious to me. Should -I hasten from it altogether, pity--forgive me. Life, my dear -Pickwick, has become insupportable to me. The spirit which -burns within us, is a porter's knot, on which to rest the heavy -load of worldly cares and troubles; and when that spirit fails us, -the burden is too heavy to be borne. We sink beneath it. You -may tell Rachael--Ah, that name!-- - 'TRACY TupmAN.' - - -'We must leave this place directly,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he -refolded the note. 'It would not have been decent for us to -remain here, under any circumstances, after what has happened; -and now we are bound to follow in search of our friend.' And -so saying, he led the way to the house. - -His intention was rapidly communicated. The entreaties to -remain were pressing, but Mr. Pickwick was inflexible. Business, -he said, required his immediate attendance. - -The old clergyman was present. - -'You are not really going?' said he, taking Mr. Pickwick aside. - -Mr. Pickwick reiterated his former determination. - -'Then here,' said the old gentleman, 'is a little manuscript, -which I had hoped to have the pleasure of reading to you myself. -I found it on the death of a friend of mine--a medical man, -engaged in our county lunatic asylum--among a variety of -papers, which I had the option of destroying or preserving, as I -thought proper. I can hardly believe that the manuscript is -genuine, though it certainly is not in my friend's hand. However, -whether it be the genuine production of a maniac, or founded -upon the ravings of some unhappy being (which I think more -probable), read it, and judge for yourself.' - -Mr. Pickwick received the manuscript, and parted from the -benevolent old gentleman with many expressions of good-will -and esteem. - -It was a more difficult task to take leave of the inmates of -Manor Farm, from whom they had received so much hospitality -and kindness. Mr. Pickwick kissed the young ladies--we were -going to say, as if they were his own daughters, only, as he might -possibly have infused a little more warmth into the salutation, the -comparison would not be quite appropriate--hugged the old lady -with filial cordiality; and patted the rosy cheeks of the female -servants in a most patriarchal manner, as he slipped into the -hands of each some more substantial expression of his approval. -The exchange of cordialities with their fine old host and Mr. -Trundle was even more hearty and prolonged; and it was not -until Mr. Snodgrass had been several times called for, and at last -emerged from a dark passage followed soon after by Emily -(whose bright eyes looked unusually dim), that the three friends -were enabled to tear themselves from their friendly entertainers. -Many a backward look they gave at the farm, as they walked -slowly away; and many a kiss did Mr. Snodgrass waft in the air, -in acknowledgment of something very like a lady's handkerchief, -which was waved from one of the upper windows, until a turn of -the lane hid the old house from their sight. - -At Muggleton they procured a conveyance to Rochester. By -the time they reached the last-named place, the violence of their -grief had sufficiently abated to admit of their making a very -excellent early dinner; and having procured the necessary information -relative to the road, the three friends set forward again in -the afternoon to walk to Cobham. - -A delightful walk it was; for it was a pleasant afternoon in -June, and their way lay through a deep and shady wood, cooled -by the light wind which gently rustled the thick foliage, and -enlivened by the songs of the birds that perched upon the boughs. -The ivy and the moss crept in thick clusters over the old trees, -and the soft green turf overspread the ground like a silken -mat. They emerged upon an open park, with an ancient hall, -displaying the quaint and picturesque architecture of Elizabeth's -time. Long vistas of stately oaks and elm trees appeared on -every side; large herds of deer were cropping the fresh grass; -and occasionally a startled hare scoured along the ground, -with the speed of the shadows thrown by the light clouds -which swept across a sunny landscape like a passing breath of summer. - -'If this,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him--'if this were -the place to which all who are troubled with our friend's complaint -came, I fancy their old attachment to this world would very -soon return.' - -'I think so too,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'And really,' added Mr. Pickwick, after half an hour's walking -had brought them to the village, 'really, for a misanthrope's -choice, this is one of the prettiest and most desirable places of -residence I ever met with.' - -In this opinion also, both Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass -expressed their concurrence; and having been directed to the -Leather Bottle, a clean and commodious village ale-house, the -three travellers entered, and at once inquired for a gentleman of -the name of Tupman. - -'Show the gentlemen into the parlour, Tom,' said the landlady. - -A stout country lad opened a door at the end of the passage, -and the three friends entered a long, low-roofed room, furnished -with a large number of high-backed leather-cushioned chairs, of -fantastic shapes, and embellished with a great variety of old -portraits and roughly-coloured prints of some antiquity. At the -upper end of the room was a table, with a white cloth upon it, -well covered with a roast fowl, bacon, ale, and et ceteras; and at -the table sat Mr. Tupman, looking as unlike a man who had -taken his leave of the world, as possible. - -On the entrance of his friends, that gentleman laid down his -knife and fork, and with a mournful air advanced to meet them. - -'I did not expect to see you here,' he said, as he grasped Mr. -Pickwick's hand. 'It's very kind.' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Pickwick, sitting down, and wiping from his -forehead the perspiration which the walk had engendered. 'Finish -your dinner, and walk out with me. I wish to speak to you alone.' - -Mr. Tupman did as he was desired; and Mr. Pickwick having refreshed -himself with a copious draught of ale, waited his friend's leisure. -The dinner was quickly despatched, and they walked out together. - -For half an hour, their forms might have been seen pacing the -churchyard to and fro, while Mr. Pickwick was engaged in -combating his companion's resolution. Any repetition of his -arguments would be useless; for what language could convey to -them that energy and force which their great originator's manner -communicated? Whether Mr. Tupman was already tired of -retirement, or whether he was wholly unable to resist the eloquent -appeal which was made to him, matters not, he did NOT resist it -at last. - -'It mattered little to him,' he said, 'where he dragged out the -miserable remainder of his days; and since his friend laid so -much stress upon his humble companionship, he was willing to -share his adventures.' - -Mr. Pickwick smiled; they shook hands, and walked back to -rejoin their companions. - -It was at this moment that Mr. Pickwick made that immortal -discovery, which has been the pride and boast of his friends, and -the envy of every antiquarian in this or any other country. They -had passed the door of their inn, and walked a little way down -the village, before they recollected the precise spot in which it -stood. As they turned back, Mr. Pickwick's eye fell upon a small -broken stone, partially buried in the ground, in front of a cottage -door. He paused. - -'This is very strange,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'What is strange?' inquired Mr. Tupman, staring eagerly at -every object near him, but the right one. 'God bless me, what's -the matter?' - -This last was an ejaculation of irrepressible astonishment, -occasioned by seeing Mr. Pickwick, in his enthusiasm for -discovery, fall on his knees before the little stone, and commence -wiping the dust off it with his pocket-handkerchief. - -'There is an inscription here,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Is it possible?' said Mr. Tupman. - -'I can discern,'continued Mr. Pickwick, rubbing away with all -his might, and gazing intently through his spectacles--'I can -discern a cross, and a 13, and then a T. This is important,' -continued Mr. Pickwick, starting up. 'This is some very old -inscription, existing perhaps long before the ancient alms-houses -in this place. It must not be lost.' - -He tapped at the cottage door. A labouring man opened it. - -'Do you know how this stone came here, my friend?' inquired -the benevolent Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, I doan't, Sir,' replied the man civilly. 'It was here long -afore I was born, or any on us.' - -Mr. Pickwick glanced triumphantly at his companion. - -'You--you--are not particularly attached to it, I dare say,' -said Mr. Pickwick, trembling with anxiety. 'You wouldn't mind -selling it, now?' - -'Ah! but who'd buy it?' inquired the man, with an expression -of face which he probably meant to be very cunning. - -'I'll give you ten shillings for it, at once,' said Mr. Pickwick, -'if you would take it up for me.' - -The astonishment of the village may be easily imagined, when -(the little stone having been raised with one wrench of a spade) -Mr. Pickwick, by dint of great personal exertion, bore it with his -own hands to the inn, and after having carefully washed it, -deposited it on the table. - -The exultation and joy of the Pickwickians knew no bounds, -when their patience and assiduity, their washing and scraping, -were crowned with success. The stone was uneven and broken, -and the letters were straggling and irregular, but the following -fragment of an inscription was clearly to be deciphered:-- - - - [cross] B I L S T - u m - P S H I - S. M. - ARK - -Mr. Pickwick's eyes sparkled with delight, as he sat and -gloated over the treasure he had discovered. He had attained one -of the greatest objects of his ambition. In a county known to -abound in the remains of the early ages; in a village in which -there still existed some memorials of the olden time, he--he, the -chairman of the Pickwick Club--had discovered a strange and -curious inscription of unquestionable antiquity, which had -wholly escaped the observation of the many learned men who had -preceded him. He could hardly trust the evidence of his senses. - -'This--this,' said he, 'determines me. We return to town to-morrow.' - -'To-morrow!' exclaimed his admiring followers. - -'To-morrow,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'This treasure must be at once -deposited where it can be thoroughly investigated and properly -understood. I have another reason for this step. In a few days, -an election is to take place for the borough of Eatanswill, at -which Mr. Perker, a gentleman whom I lately met, is the agent of -one of the candidates. We will behold, and minutely examine, a -scene so interesting to every Englishman.' - -'We will,' was the animated cry of three voices. - -Mr. Pickwick looked round him. The attachment and fervour -of his followers lighted up a glow of enthusiasm within him. He -was their leader, and he felt it. - -'Let us celebrate this happy meeting with a convivial glass,' said -he. This proposition, like the other, was received with unanimous -applause. Having himself deposited the important stone in a small -deal box, purchased from the landlady for the purpose, he -placed himself in an arm-chair, at the head of the table; and the -evening was devoted to festivity and conversation. - -It was past eleven o'clock--a late hour for the little village of -Cobham--when Mr. Pickwick retired to the bedroom which had -been prepared for his reception. He threw open the lattice -window, and setting his light upon the table, fell into a train of -meditation on the hurried events of the two preceding days. - -The hour and the place were both favourable to contemplation; -Mr. Pickwick was roused by the church clock striking -twelve. The first stroke of the hour sounded solemnly in his ear, -but when the bell ceased the stillness seemed insupportable--he -almost felt as if he had lost a companion. He was nervous and -excited; and hastily undressing himself and placing his light in -the chimney, got into bed. - -Every one has experienced that disagreeable state of mind, in -which a sensation of bodily weariness in vain contends against an -inability to sleep. It was Mr. Pickwick's condition at this -moment: he tossed first on one side and then on the other; and -perseveringly closed his eyes as if to coax himself to slumber. It -was of no use. Whether it was the unwonted exertion he had -undergone, or the heat, or the brandy-and-water, or the strange -bed--whatever it was, his thoughts kept reverting very -uncomfortably to the grim pictures downstairs, and the old stories -to which they had given rise in the course of the evening. After -half an hour's tumbling about, he came to the unsatisfactory -conclusion, that it was of no use trying to sleep; so he got up and -partially dressed himself. Anything, he thought, was better than -lying there fancying all kinds of horrors. He looked out of the -window--it was very dark. He walked about the room--it was -very lonely. - -He had taken a few turns from the door to the window, and -from the window to the door, when the clergyman's manuscript -for the first time entered his head. It was a good thought. if it -failed to interest him, it might send him to sleep. He took it from -his coat pocket, and drawing a small table towards his bedside, -trimmed the light, put on his spectacles, and composed himself -to read. It was a strange handwriting, and the paper was much -soiled and blotted. The title gave him a sudden start, too; and he -could not avoid casting a wistful glance round the room. -Reflecting on the absurdity of giving way to such feelings, -however, he trimmed the light again, and read as follows:-- - - - A MADMAN'S MANUSCRIPT - -'Yes!--a madman's! How that word would have struck to my -heart, many years ago! How it would have roused the terror that -used to come upon me sometimes, sending the blood hissing and -tingling through my veins, till the cold dew of fear stood in large -drops upon my skin, and my knees knocked together with -fright! I like it now though. It's a fine name. Show me the -monarch whose angry frown was ever feared like the glare of a -madman's eye--whose cord and axe were ever half so sure as -a madman's gripe. Ho! ho! It's a grand thing to be mad! to be -peeped at like a wild lion through the iron bars--to gnash one's -teeth and howl, through the long still night, to the merry ring of -a heavy chain and to roll and twine among the straw, transported -with such brave music. Hurrah for the madhouse! Oh, it's -a rare place! - -'I remember days when I was afraid of being mad; when I used -to start from my sleep, and fall upon my knees, and pray to be -spared from the curse of my race; when I rushed from the sight of -merriment or happiness, to hide myself in some lonely place, and -spend the weary hours in watching the progress of the fever that -was to consume my brain. I knew that madness was mixed up -with my very blood, and the marrow of my bones! that one -generation had passed away without the pestilence appearing -among them, and that I was the first in whom it would revive. I -knew it must be so: that so it always had been, and so it ever -would be: and when I cowered in some obscure corner of a -crowded room, and saw men whisper, and point, and turn their -eyes towards me, I knew they were telling each other of the -doomed madman; and I slunk away again to mope in solitude. - -'I did this for years; long, long years they were. The nights here -are long sometimes--very long; but they are nothing to the -restless nights, and dreadful dreams I had at that time. It makes -me cold to remember them. Large dusky forms with sly and -jeering faces crouched in the corners of the room, and bent over -my bed at night, tempting me to madness. They told me in low -whispers, that the floor of the old house in which my father died, -was stained with his own blood, shed by his own hand in raging -madness. I drove my fingers into my ears, but they screamed into -my head till the room rang with it, that in one generation before -him the madness slumbered, but that his grandfather had lived -for years with his hands fettered to the ground, to prevent his -tearing himself to pieces. I knew they told the truth--I knew it -well. I had found it out years before, though they had tried to -keep it from me. Ha! ha! I was too cunning for them, madman -as they thought me. - -'At last it came upon me, and I wondered how I could ever -have feared it. I could go into the world now, and laugh and -shout with the best among them. I knew I was mad, but they did -not even suspect it. How I used to hug myself with delight, when -I thought of the fine trick I was playing them after their old -pointing and leering, when I was not mad, but only dreading that -I might one day become so! And how I used to laugh for joy, -when I was alone, and thought how well I kept my secret, and -how quickly my kind friends would have fallen from me, if they -had known the truth. I could have screamed with ecstasy when I -dined alone with some fine roaring fellow, to think how pale he -would have turned, and how fast he would have run, if he had -known that the dear friend who sat close to him, sharpening a -bright, glittering knife, was a madman with all the power, and -half the will, to plunge it in his heart. Oh, it was a merry life! - -'Riches became mine, wealth poured in upon me, and I rioted -in pleasures enhanced a thousandfold to me by the consciousness -of my well-kept secret. I inherited an estate. The law--the eagle- -eyed law itself--had been deceived, and had handed over disputed -thousands to a madman's hands. Where was the wit of the sharp- -sighted men of sound mind? Where the dexterity of the lawyers, -eager to discover a flaw? The madman's cunning had overreached -them all. - -'I had money. How I was courted! I spent it profusely. How I -was praised! How those three proud, overbearing brothers -humbled themselves before me! The old, white-headed father, -too--such deference--such respect--such devoted friendship-- -he worshipped me! The old man had a daughter, and the young -men a sister; and all the five were poor. I was rich; and when I -married the girl, I saw a smile of triumph play upon the faces of -her needy relatives, as they thought of their well-planned scheme, -and their fine prize. It was for me to smile. To smile! To laugh -outright, and tear my hair, and roll upon the ground with shrieks -of merriment. They little thought they had married her to a madman. - -'Stay. If they had known it, would they have saved her? A -sister's happiness against her husband's gold. The lightest feather -I blow into the air, against the gay chain that ornaments my body! - -'In one thing I was deceived with all my cunning. If I had not -been mad--for though we madmen are sharp-witted enough, we -get bewildered sometimes--I should have known that the girl -would rather have been placed, stiff and cold in a dull leaden -coffin, than borne an envied bride to my rich, glittering house. I -should have known that her heart was with the dark-eyed boy -whose name I once heard her breathe in her troubled sleep; and -that she had been sacrificed to me, to relieve the poverty of the -old, white-headed man and the haughty brothers. - -'I don't remember forms or faces now, but I know the girl was -beautiful. I know she was; for in the bright moonlight nights, -when I start up from my sleep, and all is quiet about me, I see, -standing still and motionless in one corner of this cell, a slight -and wasted figure with long black hair, which, streaming down -her back, stirs with no earthly wind, and eyes that fix their gaze -on me, and never wink or close. Hush! the blood chills at my -heart as I write it down--that form is HERS; the face is very pale, -and the eyes are glassy bright; but I know them well. That figure -never moves; it never frowns and mouths as others do, that fill -this place sometimes; but it is much more dreadful to me, even -than the spirits that tempted me many years ago--it comes fresh -from the grave; and is so very death-like. - -'For nearly a year I saw that face grow paler; for nearly a year -I saw the tears steal down the mournful cheeks, and never knew -the cause. I found it out at last though. They could not keep it -from me long. She had never liked me; I had never thought she -did: she despised my wealth, and hated the splendour in which -she lived; but I had not expected that. She loved another. This I -had never thought of. Strange feelings came over me, and -thoughts, forced upon me by some secret power, whirled round -and round my brain. I did not hate her, though I hated the boy -she still wept for. I pitied--yes, I pitied--the wretched life to -which her cold and selfish relations had doomed her. I knew that -she could not live long; but the thought that before her death she -might give birth to some ill-fated being, destined to hand down -madness to its offspring, determined me. I resolved to kill her. - -'For many weeks I thought of poison, and then of drowning, -and then of fire. A fine sight, the grand house in flames, and the -madman's wife smouldering away to cinders. Think of the jest of -a large reward, too, and of some sane man swinging in the wind -for a deed he never did, and all through a madman's cunning! -I thought often of this, but I gave it up at last. Oh! the pleasure -of stropping the razor day after day, feeling the sharp edge, and -thinking of the gash one stroke of its thin, bright edge would make! -'At last the old spirits who had been with me so often before -whispered in my ear that the time was come, and thrust the open -razor into my hand. I grasped it firmly, rose softly from the bed, -and leaned over my sleeping wife. Her face was buried in her -hands. I withdrew them softly, and they fell listlessly on her -bosom. She had been weeping; for the traces of the tears were -still wet upon her cheek. Her face was calm and placid; and even -as I looked upon it, a tranquil smile lighted up her pale features. -I laid my hand softly on her shoulder. She started--it was only a -passing dream. I leaned forward again. She screamed, and woke. - -'One motion of my hand, and she would never again have -uttered cry or sound. But I was startled, and drew back. Her eyes -were fixed on mine. I knew not how it was, but they cowed and -frightened me; and I quailed beneath them. She rose from the bed, -still gazing fixedly and steadily on me. I trembled; the razor was -in my hand, but I could not move. She made towards the door. -As she neared it, she turned, and withdrew her eyes from my face. -The spell was broken. I bounded forward, and clutched her by -the arm. Uttering shriek upon shriek, she sank upon the ground. - -'Now I could have killed her without a struggle; but the house -was alarmed. I heard the tread of footsteps on the stairs. I -replaced the razor in its usual drawer, unfastened the door, and -called loudly for assistance. - -'They came, and raised her, and placed her on the bed. She lay bereft -of animation for hours; and when life, look, and speech returned, -her senses had deserted her, and she raved wildly and furiously. - -'Doctors were called in--great men who rolled up to my door -in easy carriages, with fine horses and gaudy servants. They were -at her bedside for weeks. They had a great meeting and consulted -together in low and solemn voices in another room. One, the -cleverest and most celebrated among them, took me aside, and -bidding me prepare for the worst, told me--me, the madman!-- -that my wife was mad. He stood close beside me at an open -window, his eyes looking in my face, and his hand laid upon my -arm. With one effort, I could have hurled him into the street -beneath. It would have been rare sport to have done it; but my -secret was at stake, and I let him go. A few days after, they told -me I must place her under some restraint: I must provide a -keeper for her. I! I went into the open fields where none could -hear me, and laughed till the air resounded with my shouts! - -'She died next day. The white-headed old man followed her to -the grave, and the proud brothers dropped a tear over the -insensible corpse of her whose sufferings they had regarded in her -lifetime with muscles of iron. All this was food for my secret -mirth, and I laughed behind the white handkerchief which I held -up to my face, as we rode home, till the tears Came into my eyes. - -'But though I had carried my object and killed her, I was -restless and disturbed, and I felt that before long my secret must -be known. I could not hide the wild mirth and joy which boiled -within me, and made me when I was alone, at home, jump up and -beat my hands together, and dance round and round, and roar -aloud. When I went out, and saw the busy crowds hurrying -about the streets; or to the theatre, and heard the sound of -music, and beheld the people dancing, I felt such glee, that I -could have rushed among them, and torn them to pieces limb -from limb, and howled in transport. But I ground my teeth, and -struck my feet upon the floor, and drove my sharp nails into my -hands. I kept it down; and no one knew I was a madman yet. - -'I remember--though it's one of the last things I can remember: -for now I mix up realities with my dreams, and having so much -to do, and being always hurried here, have no time to separate -the two, from some strange confusion in which they get involved ---I remember how I let it out at last. Ha! ha! I think I see their -frightened looks now, and feel the ease with which I flung them -from me, and dashed my clenched fist into their white faces, and -then flew like the wind, and left them screaming and shouting -far behind. The strength of a giant comes upon me when I think -of it. There--see how this iron bar bends beneath my furious -wrench. I could snap it like a twig, only there are long galleries -here with many doors--I don't think I could find my way along -them; and even if I could, I know there are iron gates below -which they keep locked and barred. They know what a clever -madman I have been, and they are proud to have me here, to show. - -'Let me see: yes, I had been out. It was late at night when I -reached home, and found the proudest of the three proud -brothers waiting to see me--urgent business he said: I recollect -it well. I hated that man with all a madman's hate. Many and -many a time had my fingers longed to tear him. They told me he -was there. I ran swiftly upstairs. He had a word to say to me. I -dismissed the servants. It was late, and we were alone together-- -for the first time. - -'I kept my eyes carefully from him at first, for I knew what he -little thought--and I gloried in the knowledge--that the light of -madness gleamed from them like fire. We sat in silence for a few -minutes. He spoke at last. My recent dissipation, and strange -remarks, made so soon after his sister's death, were an insult to -her memory. Coupling together many circumstances which had -at first escaped his observation, he thought I had not treated her -well. He wished to know whether he was right in inferring that I -meant to cast a reproach upon her memory, and a disrespect upon her -family. It was due to the uniform he wore, to demand this explanation. - -'This man had a commission in the army--a commission, -purchased with my money, and his sister's misery! This was the -man who had been foremost in the plot to ensnare me, and grasp -my wealth. This was the man who had been the main instrument -in forcing his sister to wed me; well knowing that her heart was -given to that puling boy. Due to his uniform! The livery of his -degradation! I turned my eyes upon him--I could not help it-- -but I spoke not a word. - -'I saw the sudden change that came upon him beneath my -gaze. He was a bold man, but the colour faded from his face, and -he drew back his chair. I dragged mine nearer to him; and I -laughed--I was very merry then--I saw him shudder. I felt the -madness rising within me. He was afraid of me. - -'"You were very fond of your sister when she was alive," I -said.--"Very." - -'He looked uneasily round him, and I saw his hand grasp the -back of his chair; but he said nothing. - -'"You villain," said I, "I found you out: I discovered your -hellish plots against me; I know her heart was fixed on some one -else before you compelled her to marry me. I know it--I know it." - -'He jumped suddenly from his chair, brandished it aloft, and -bid me stand back--for I took care to be getting closer to him all -the time I spoke. - -'I screamed rather than talked, for I felt tumultuous passions -eddying through my veins, and the old spirits whispering and -taunting me to tear his heart out. - -'"Damn you," said I, starting up, and rushing upon him; "I -killed her. I am a madman. Down with you. Blood, blood! I will -have it!" - -'I turned aside with one blow the chair he hurled at me in his -terror, and closed with him; and with a heavy crash we rolled -upon the floor together. -'It was a fine struggle that; for he was a tall, strong man, -fighting for his life; and I, a powerful madman, thirsting to -destroy him. I knew no strength could equal mine, and I was -right. Right again, though a madman! His struggles grew fainter. -I knelt upon his chest, and clasped his brawny throat firmly with -both hands. His face grew purple; his eyes were starting from his -head, and with protruded tongue, he seemed to mock me. I -squeezed the tighter. -'The door was suddenly burst open with a loud noise, and a -crowd of people rushed forward, crying aloud to each other to -secure the madman. - -'My secret was out; and my only struggle now was for liberty -and freedom. I gained my feet before a hand was on me, threw -myself among my assailants, and cleared my way with my strong -arm, as if I bore a hatchet in my hand, and hewed them down -before me. I gained the door, dropped over the banisters, and in -an instant was in the street. - -'Straight and swift I ran, and no one dared to stop me. I heard -the noise of the feet behind, and redoubled my speed. It grew -fainter and fainter in the distance, and at length died away -altogether; but on I bounded, through marsh and rivulet, over -fence and wall, with a wild shout which was taken up by the -strange beings that flocked around me on every side, and swelled -the sound, till it pierced the air. I was borne upon the arms of -demons who swept along upon the wind, and bore down bank -and hedge before them, and spun me round and round with a -rustle and a speed that made my head swim, until at last they -threw me from them with a violent shock, and I fell heavily upon -the earth. When I woke I found myself here--here in this gray -cell, where the sunlight seldom comes, and the moon steals in, in -rays which only serve to show the dark shadows about me, and that -silent figure in its old corner. When I lie awake, I can sometimes -hear strange shrieks and cries from distant parts of this -large place. What they are, I know not; but they neither come -from that pale form, nor does it regard them. For from the first -shades of dusk till the earliest light of morning, it still stands -motionless in the same place, listening to the music of my iron -chain, and watching my gambols on my straw bed.' - -At the end of the manuscript was written, in another hand, this -note:-- - - -[The unhappy man whose ravings are recorded above, was a -melancholy instance of the baneful results of energies -misdirected in early life, and excesses prolonged until their -consequences could never be repaired. The thoughtless riot, -dissipation, and debauchery of his younger days produced fever and -delirium. The first effects of the latter was the strange delusion, -founded upon a well-known medical theory, strongly contended -for by some, and as strongly contested by others, that an -hereditary madness existed in his family. This produced a settled -gloom, which in time developed a morbid insanity, and finally -terminated in raving madness. There is every reason to believe -that the events he detailed, though distorted in the description -by his diseased imagination, really happened. It is only matter of -wonder to those who were acquainted with the vices of his early -career, that his passions, when no longer controlled by reason, -did not lead him to the commission of still more frightful deeds.] - -Mr. Pickwick's candle was just expiring in the socket, as he -concluded the perusal of the old clergyman's manuscript; and -when the light went suddenly out, without any previous flicker -by way of warning, it communicated a very considerable start to -his excited frame. Hastily throwing off such articles of clothing as -he had put on when he rose from his uneasy bed, and casting a -fearful glance around, he once more scrambled hastily between -the sheets, and soon fell fast asleep. - -The sun was shining brilliantly into his chamber, when he -awoke, and the morning was far advanced. The gloom which had -oppressed him on the previous night had disappeared with the -dark shadows which shrouded the landscape, and his thoughts -and feelings were as light and gay as the morning itself. After a -hearty breakfast, the four gentlemen sallied forth to walk to -Gravesend, followed by a man bearing the stone in its deal box. -They reached the town about one o'clock (their luggage they had -directed to be forwarded to the city, from Rochester), and being -fortunate enough to secure places on the outside of a coach, -arrived in London in sound health and spirits, on that same afternoon. - -The next three or four days were occupied with the preparations -which were necessary for their journey to the borough of -Eatanswill. As any references to that most important undertaking -demands a separate chapter, we may devote the few lines -which remain at the close of this, to narrate, with great brevity, -the history of the antiquarian discovery. - -It appears from the Transactions of the Club, then, that Mr. -Pickwick lectured upon the discovery at a General Club Meeting, -convened on the night succeeding their return, and entered into a -variety of ingenious and erudite speculations on the meaning of -the inscription. It also appears that a skilful artist executed a -faithful delineation of the curiosity, which was engraven on -stone, and presented to the Royal Antiquarian Society, and other -learned bodies: that heart-burnings and jealousies without -number were created by rival controversies which were penned -upon the subject; and that Mr. Pickwick himself wrote a -pamphlet, containing ninety-six pages of very small print, and -twenty-seven different readings of the inscription: that three old -gentlemen cut off their eldest sons with a shilling a-piece for -presuming to doubt the antiquity of the fragment; and that one -enthusiastic individual cut himself off prematurely, in despair at -being unable to fathom its meaning: that Mr. Pickwick was -elected an honorary member of seventeen native and foreign -societies, for making the discovery: that none of the seventeen -could make anything of it; but that all the seventeen agreed it -was very extraordinary. - -Mr. Blotton, indeed--and the name will be doomed to the -undying contempt of those who cultivate the mysterious and the -sublime--Mr. Blotton, we say, with the doubt and cavilling -peculiar to vulgar minds, presumed to state a view of the case, as -degrading as ridiculous. Mr. Blotton, with a mean desire to -tarnish the lustre of the immortal name of Pickwick, actually -undertook a journey to Cobham in person, and on his return, -sarcastically observed in an oration at the club, that he had seen -the man from whom the stone was purchased; that the man -presumed the stone to be ancient, but solemnly denied the -antiquity of the inscription--inasmuch as he represented it to -have been rudely carved by himself in an idle mood, and to -display letters intended to bear neither more or less than the -simple construction of--'BILL STUMPS, HIS MARK'; and -that Mr. Stumps, being little in the habit of original composition, -and more accustomed to be guided by the sound of words than -by the strict rules of orthography, had omitted the concluding -'L' of his Christian name. - -The Pickwick Club (as might have been expected from so -enlightened an institution) received this statement with the contempt -it deserved, expelled the presumptuous and ill-conditioned -Blotton from the society, and voted Mr. Pickwick a pair of gold -spectacles, in token of their confidence and approbation: in -return for which, Mr. Pickwick caused a portrait of himself to -be painted, and hung up in the club room. - -Mr. Blotton was ejected but not conquered. He also wrote a -pamphlet, addressed to the seventeen learned societies, native -and foreign, containing a repetition of the statement he had -already made, and rather more than half intimating his opinion -that the seventeen learned societies were so many 'humbugs.' -Hereupon, the virtuous indignation of the seventeen learned -societies being roused, several fresh pamphlets appeared; the -foreign learned societies corresponded with the native learned -societies; the native learned societies translated the pamphlets of -the foreign learned societies into English; the foreign learned -societies translated the pamphlets of the native learned societies -into all sorts of languages; and thus commenced that celebrated -scientific discussion so well known to all men, as the Pickwick -controversy. - -But this base attempt to injure Mr. Pickwick recoiled upon the -head of its calumnious author. The seventeen learned societies -unanimously voted the presumptuous Blotton an ignorant -meddler, and forthwith set to work upon more treatises than -ever. And to this day the stone remains, an illegible monument -of Mr. Pickwick's greatness, and a lasting trophy to the littleness -of his enemies. - -CHAPTER XII -DESCRIPTIVE OF A VERY IMPORTANT PROCEEDING ON - THE PART OF Mr. PICKWICK; NO LESS AN EPOCH IN HIS - LIFE, THAN IN THIS HISTORY - - -Mr. Pickwick's apartments in Goswell Street, although on a -limited scale, were not only of a very neat and comfortable -description, but peculiarly adapted for the residence of a man -of his genius and observation. His sitting-room was the first-floor -front, his bedroom the second-floor front; and thus, whether he were -sitting at his desk in his parlour, or standing before the dressing- -glass in his dormitory, he had an equal opportunity of contemplating -human nature in all the numerous phases it exhibits, in that not -more populous than popular thoroughfare. His landlady, Mrs. Bardell-- -the relict and sole executrix of a deceased custom-house officer--was -a comely woman of bustling manners and agreeable appearance, with a -natural genius for cooking, improved by study and long practice, into -an exquisite talent. There were no children, no servants, no fowls. -The only other inmates of the house were a large man and a -small boy; the first a lodger, the second a production of Mrs. -Bardell's. The large man was always home precisely at ten -o'clock at night, at which hour he regularly condensed himself -into the limits of a dwarfish French bedstead in the back parlour; -and the infantine sports and gymnastic exercises of Master -Bardell were exclusively confined to the neighbouring pavements -and gutters. Cleanliness and quiet reigned throughout the house; -and in it Mr. Pickwick's will was law. - -To any one acquainted with these points of the domestic -economy of the establishment, and conversant with the admirable -regulation of Mr. Pickwick's mind, his appearance and behaviour -on the morning previous to that which had been fixed upon for -the journey to Eatanswill would have been most mysterious and -unaccountable. He paced the room to and fro with hurried steps, -popped his head out of the window at intervals of about three -minutes each, constantly referred to his watch, and exhibited -many other manifestations of impatience very unusual with him. -It was evident that something of great importance was in -contemplation, but what that something was, not even Mrs. Bardell -had been enabled to discover. - -'Mrs. Bardell,' said Mr. Pickwick, at last, as that amiable -female approached the termination of a prolonged dusting of the -apartment. - -'Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Your little boy is a very long time gone.' - -'Why it's a good long way to the Borough, sir,' remonstrated -Mrs. Bardell. - -'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'very true; so it is.' -Mr. Pickwick relapsed into silence, and Mrs. Bardell resumed -her dusting. - -'Mrs. Bardell,' said Mr. Pickwick, at the expiration of a few minutes. - -'Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell again. -'Do you think it a much greater expense to keep two people, -than to keep one?' - -'La, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, colouring up to the very -border of her cap, as she fancied she observed a species of -matrimonial twinkle in the eyes of her lodger; 'La, Mr. Pickwick, -what a question!' - -'Well, but do you?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'That depends,' said Mrs. Bardell, approaching the duster very -near to Mr. Pickwick's elbow which was planted on the table. -'that depends a good deal upon the person, you know, Mr. -Pickwick; and whether it's a saving and careful person, sir.' - -'That's very true,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'but the person I have in -my eye (here he looked very hard at Mrs. Bardell) I think -possesses these qualities; and has, moreover, a considerable -knowledge of the world, and a great deal of sharpness, Mrs. -Bardell, which may be of material use to me.' - -'La, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, the crimson rising to her -cap-border again. - -'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing energetic, as was his wont -in speaking of a subject which interested him--'I do, indeed; and -to tell you the truth, Mrs. Bardell, I have made up my mind.' - -'Dear me, sir,'exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. - -'You'll think it very strange now,' said the amiable Mr. -Pickwick, with a good-humoured glance at his companion, 'that -I never consulted you about this matter, and never even mentioned -it, till I sent your little boy out this morning--eh?' - -Mrs. Bardell could only reply by a look. She had long worshipped -Mr. Pickwick at a distance, but here she was, all at once, -raised to a pinnacle to which her wildest and most extravagant -hopes had never dared to aspire. Mr. Pickwick was going to -propose--a deliberate plan, too--sent her little boy to the -Borough, to get him out of the way--how thoughtful--how considerate! - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what do you think?' - -'Oh, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Bardell, trembling with agitation, -'you're very kind, sir.' - -'It'll save you a good deal of trouble, won't it?' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Oh, I never thought anything of the trouble, sir,' replied -Mrs. Bardell; 'and, of course, I should take more trouble to -please you then, than ever; but it is so kind of you, Mr. Pickwick, -to have so much consideration for my loneliness.' - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I never thought of that. -When I am in town, you'll always have somebody to sit with you. -To be sure, so you will.' - -'I am sure I ought to be a very happy woman,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'And your little boy--' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless his heart!' interposed Mrs. Bardell, with a maternal sob. - -'He, too, will have a companion,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'a -lively one, who'll teach him, I'll be bound, more tricks in a week -than he would ever learn in a year.' And Mr. Pickwick smiled placidly. - -'Oh, you dear--' said Mrs. Bardell. - -Mr. Pickwick started. - -'Oh, you kind, good, playful dear,' said Mrs. Bardell; and -without more ado, she rose from her chair, and flung her arms -round Mr. Pickwick's neck, with a cataract of tears and a chorus -of sobs. - -'Bless my soul,' cried the astonished Mr. Pickwick; 'Mrs. -Bardell, my good woman--dear me, what a situation--pray -consider.--Mrs. Bardell, don't--if anybody should come--' - -'Oh, let them come,' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell frantically; 'I'll -never leave you --dear, kind, good soul;' and, with these words, -Mrs. Bardell clung the tighter. - -'Mercy upon me,' said Mr. Pickwick, struggling violently, 'I -hear somebody coming up the stairs. Don't, don't, there's a good -creature, don't.' But entreaty and remonstrance were alike -unavailing; for Mrs. Bardell had fainted in Mr. Pickwick's arms; -and before he could gain time to deposit her on a chair, Master -Bardell entered the room, ushering in Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, -and Mr. Snodgrass. - -Mr. Pickwick was struck motionless and speechless. He stood -with his lovely burden in his arms, gazing vacantly on the -countenances of his friends, without the slightest attempt at -recognition or explanation. They, in their turn, stared at him; -and Master Bardell, in his turn, stared at everybody. - -The astonishment of the Pickwickians was so absorbing, and -the perplexity of Mr. Pickwick was so extreme, that they might -have remained in exactly the same relative situations until the -suspended animation of the lady was restored, had it not been for -a most beautiful and touching expression of filial affection on the -part of her youthful son. Clad in a tight suit of corduroy, -spangled with brass buttons of a very considerable size, he at first -stood at the door astounded and uncertain; but by degrees, the -impression that his mother must have suffered some personal -damage pervaded his partially developed mind, and considering -Mr. Pickwick as the aggressor, he set up an appalling and semi- -earthly kind of howling, and butting forward with his head, -commenced assailing that immortal gentleman about the back -and legs, with such blows and pinches as the strength of his arm, -and the violence of his excitement, allowed. - -'Take this little villain away,' said the agonised Mr. Pickwick, -'he's mad.' - -'What is the matter?' said the three tongue-tied Pickwickians. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick pettishly. 'Take away the -boy.' (Here Mr. Winkle carried the interesting boy, screaming -and struggling, to the farther end of the apartment.) 'Now help -me, lead this woman downstairs.' - -'Oh, I am better now,' said Mrs. Bardell faintly. - -'Let me lead you downstairs,' said the ever-gallant Mr. Tupman. - -'Thank you, sir--thank you;' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell hysterically. -And downstairs she was led accordingly, accompanied by -her affectionate son. - -'I cannot conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick when his friend -returned--'I cannot conceive what has been the matter with that -woman. I had merely announced to her my intention of keeping -a man-servant, when she fell into the extraordinary paroxysm in -which you found her. Very extraordinary thing.' - -'Very,' said his three friends. - -'Placed me in such an extremely awkward situation,' -continued Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very,' was the reply of his followers, as they coughed slightly, -and looked dubiously at each other. - -This behaviour was not lost upon Mr. Pickwick. He remarked -their incredulity. They evidently suspected him. - -'There is a man in the passage now,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'It's the man I spoke to you about,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I sent -for him to the Borough this morning. Have the goodness to call -him up, Snodgrass.' - -Mr. Snodgrass did as he was desired; and Mr. Samuel Weller -forthwith presented himself. - -'Oh--you remember me, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I should think so,' replied Sam, with a patronising wink. -'Queer start that 'ere, but he was one too many for you, warn't -he? Up to snuff and a pinch or two over--eh?' - -'Never mind that matter now,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily; -'I want to speak to you about something else. Sit down.' - -'Thank'ee, sir,' said Sam. And down he sat without further -bidding, having previously deposited his old white hat on the -landing outside the door. ''Tain't a wery good 'un to look at,' -said Sam, 'but it's an astonishin' 'un to wear; and afore the brim -went, it was a wery handsome tile. Hows'ever it's lighter without -it, that's one thing, and every hole lets in some air, that's another ---wentilation gossamer I calls it.' On the delivery of this sentiment, -Mr. Weller smiled agreeably upon the assembled Pickwickians. - -'Now with regard to the matter on which I, with the concurrence -of these gentlemen, sent for you,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'That's the pint, sir,' interposed Sam; 'out vith it, as the father -said to his child, when he swallowed a farden.' - -'We want to know, in the first place,' said Mr. Pickwick, -'whether you have any reason to be discontented with your present -situation.' - -'Afore I answers that 'ere question, gen'l'm'n,' replied Mr. -Weller, 'I should like to know, in the first place, whether you're -a-goin' to purwide me with a better?' - -A sunbeam of placid benevolence played on Mr. Pickwick's -features as he said, 'I have half made up my mind to engage you -myself.' - -'Have you, though?' said Sam. - -Mr. Pickwick nodded in the affirmative. - -'Wages?' inquired Sam. - -'Twelve pounds a year,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Clothes?' - -'Two suits.' - -'Work?' - -'To attend upon me; and travel about with me and these -gentlemen here.' -'Take the bill down,' said Sam emphatically. 'I'm let to a -single gentleman, and the terms is agreed upon.' - -'You accept the situation?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. -'Cert'nly,' replied Sam. 'If the clothes fits me half as well as -the place, they'll do.' - -'You can get a character of course?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ask the landlady o' the White Hart about that, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'Can you come this evening?' - -'I'll get into the clothes this minute, if they're here,' said Sam, -with great alacrity. - -'Call at eight this evening,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'and if the -inquiries are satisfactory, they shall be provided.' - -With the single exception of one amiable indiscretion, in -which an assistant housemaid had equally participated, the -history of Mr. Weller's conduct was so very blameless, that Mr. -Pickwick felt fully justified in closing the engagement that very -evening. With the promptness and energy which characterised -not only the public proceedings, but all the private actions of this -extraordinary man, he at once led his new attendant to one of -those convenient emporiums where gentlemen's new and second- -hand clothes are provided, and the troublesome and inconvenient -formality of measurement dispensed with; and before night had -closed in, Mr. Weller was furnished with a grey coat with the -P. C. button, a black hat with a cockade to it, a pink striped -waistcoat, light breeches and gaiters, and a variety of other -necessaries, too numerous to recapitulate. - -'Well,' said that suddenly-transformed individual, as he took -his seat on the outside of the Eatanswill coach next morning; 'I -wonder whether I'm meant to be a footman, or a groom, or a -gamekeeper, or a seedsman. I looks like a sort of compo of every -one on 'em. Never mind; there's a change of air, plenty to see, -and little to do; and all this suits my complaint uncommon; so -long life to the Pickvicks, says I!' - - - -CHAPTER XIII -SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF - PARTIES THEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER - TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THAT ANCIENT, LOYAL, - AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH - - -We will frankly acknowledge that, up to the period of our being -first immersed in the voluminous papers of the Pickwick Club, we -had never heard of Eatanswill; we will with equal candour admit that -we have in vain searched for proof of the actual existence of such -a place at the present day. Knowing the deep reliance to be placed -on every note and statement of Mr. Pickwick's, and not presuming to -set up our recollection against the recorded declarations of that great -man, we have consulted every authority, bearing upon the subject, to -which we could possibly refer. We have traced every name in -schedules A and B, without meeting with that of Eatanswill; we -have minutely examined every corner of the pocket county maps -issued for the benefit of society by our distinguished publishers, -and the same result has attended our investigation. We are -therefore led to believe that Mr. Pickwick, with that anxious -desire to abstain from giving offence to any, and with those delicate -feelings for which all who knew him well know he was so -eminently remarkable, purposely substituted a fictitious designation, -for the real name of the place in which his observations -were made. We are confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance, -apparently slight and trivial in itself, but when considered -in this point of view, not undeserving of notice. In Mr. Pickwick's -note-book, we can just trace an entry of the fact, that the -places of himself and followers were booked by the Norwich -coach; but this entry was afterwards lined through, as if for the -purpose of concealing even the direction in which the borough -is situated. We will not, therefore, hazard a guess upon the -subject, but will at once proceed with this history, content with -the materials which its characters have provided for us. - -It appears, then, that the Eatanswill people, like the people of -many other small towns, considered themselves of the utmost -and most mighty importance, and that every man in Eatanswill, -conscious of the weight that attached to his example, felt himself -bound to unite, heart and soul, with one of the two great parties -that divided the town--the Blues and the Buffs. Now the Blues -lost no opportunity of opposing the Buffs, and the Buffs lost no -opportunity of opposing the Blues; and the consequence was, -that whenever the Buffs and Blues met together at public meeting, -town-hall, fair, or market, disputes and high words arose -between them. With these dissensions it is almost superfluous to -say that everything in Eatanswill was made a party question. If -the Buffs proposed to new skylight the market-place, the Blues -got up public meetings, and denounced the proceeding; if the -Blues proposed the erection of an additional pump in the High -Street, the Buffs rose as one man and stood aghast at the enormity. -There were Blue shops and Buff shops, Blue inns and Buff -inns--there was a Blue aisle and a Buff aisle in the very church itself. - -Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary that -each of these powerful parties should have its chosen organ and -representative: and, accordingly, there were two newspapers in -the town--the Eatanswill GAZETTE and the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT; -the former advocating Blue principles, and the latter conducted -on grounds decidedly Buff. Fine newspapers they were. Such -leading articles, and such spirited attacks!--'Our worthless -contemporary, the GAZETTE'--'That disgraceful and dastardly journal, -the INDEPENDENT'--'That false and scurrilous print, the INDEPENDENT'-- -'That vile and slanderous calumniator, the GAZETTE;' these, -and other spirit-stirring denunciations, were strewn plentifully -over the columns of each, in every number, and excited feelings -of the most intense delight and indignation in the bosoms of the -townspeople. - -Mr. Pickwick, with his usual foresight and sagacity, had chosen -a peculiarly desirable moment for his visit to the borough. Never -was such a contest known. The Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of -Slumkey Hall, was the Blue candidate; and Horatio Fizkin, -Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, had been prevailed upon -by his friends to stand forward on the Buff interest. The GAZETTE -warned the electors of Eatanswill that the eyes not only of -England, but of the whole civilised world, were upon them; and -the INDEPENDENT imperatively demanded to know, whether the -constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they had always -taken them for, or base and servile tools, undeserving alike of -the name of Englishmen and the blessings of freedom. Never had -such a commotion agitated the town before. - -It was late in the evening when Mr. Pickwick and his -companions, assisted by Sam, dismounted from the roof of the -Eatanswill coach. Large blue silk flags were flying from the -windows of the Town Arms Inn, and bills were posted in every -sash, intimating, in gigantic letters, that the Honourable Samuel -Slumkey's committee sat there daily. A crowd of idlers were -assembled in the road, looking at a hoarse man in the balcony, -who was apparently talking himself very red in the face in Mr. -Slumkey's behalf; but the force and point of whose arguments -were somewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four large -drums which Mr. Fizkin's committee had stationed at the street -corner. There was a busy little man beside him, though, who -took off his hat at intervals and motioned to the people to cheer, -which they regularly did, most enthusiastically; and as the red- -faced gentleman went on talking till he was redder in the face -than ever, it seemed to answer his purpose quite as well as if -anybody had heard him. - -The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted than they were -surrounded by a branch mob of the honest and independent, who -forthwith set up three deafening cheers, which being responded -to by the main body (for it's not at all necessary for a crowd to -know what they are cheering about), swelled into a tremendous -roar of triumph, which stopped even the red-faced man in the balcony. - -'Hurrah!' shouted the mob, in conclusion. - -'One cheer more,' screamed the little fugleman in the balcony, -and out shouted the mob again, as if lungs were cast-iron, with -steel works. - -'Slumkey for ever!' roared the honest and independent. - -'Slumkey for ever!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat. -'No Fizkin!' roared the crowd. - -'Certainly not!' shouted Mr. Pickwick. -'Hurrah!' And then there was another roaring, like that of a -whole menagerie when the elephant has rung the bell for the -cold meat. - -'Who is Slumkey?'whispered Mr. Tupman. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone. 'Hush. -Don't ask any questions. It's always best on these occasions to -do what the mob do.' - -'But suppose there are two mobs?' suggested Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Shout with the largest,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -Volumes could not have said more. - -They entered the house, the crowd opening right and left to let -them pass, and cheering vociferously. The first object of -consideration was to secure quarters for the night. - -'Can we have beds here?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, summoning -the waiter. - -'Don't know, Sir,' replied the man; 'afraid we're full, sir--I'll -inquire, Sir.' Away he went for that purpose, and presently -returned, to ask whether the gentleman were 'Blue.' - -As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his companions took any vital -interest in the cause of either candidate, the question was -rather a difficult one to answer. In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick -bethought himself of his new friend, Mr. Perker. - -'Do you know a gentleman of the name of Perker?' inquired -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Certainly, Sir; Honourable Mr. Samuel Slumkey's agent.' - -'He is Blue, I think?' - -'Oh, yes, Sir.' - -'Then WE are Blue,' said Mr. Pickwick; but observing that the -man looked rather doubtful at this accommodating announcement, -he gave him his card, and desired him to present it to -Mr. Perker forthwith, if he should happen to be in the house. -The waiter retired; and reappearing almost immediately with a -request that Mr. Pickwick would follow him, led the way to a -large room on the first floor, where, seated at a long table -covered with books and papers, was Mr. Perker. - -'Ah--ah, my dear Sir,' said the little man, advancing to meet -him; 'very happy to see you, my dear Sir, very. Pray sit down. -So you have carried your intention into effect. You have come -down here to see an election--eh?' -Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. - -'Spirited contest, my dear sir,' said the little man. - -'I'm delighted to hear it,' said Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his -hands. 'I like to see sturdy patriotism, on whatever side it is -called forth--and so it's a spirited contest?' - -'Oh, yes,' said the little man, 'very much so indeed. We have -opened all the public-houses in the place, and left our adversary -nothing but the beer-shops-masterly stroke of policy that, my -dear Sir, eh?' The little man smiled complacently, and took a -large pinch of snuff. - -'And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, doubtful, my dear Sir; rather doubtful as yet,' replied -the little man. 'Fizkin's people have got three-and-thirty voters -in the lock-up coach-house at the White Hart.' - -'In the coach-house!' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably astonished -by this second stroke of policy. - -'They keep 'em locked up there till they want 'em,' resumed -the little man. 'The effect of that is, you see, to prevent our -getting at them; and even if we could, it would be of no use, for -they keep them very drunk on purpose. Smart fellow Fizkin's -agent--very smart fellow indeed.' - -Mr. Pickwick stared, but said nothing. - -'We are pretty confident, though,' said Mr. Perker, sinking -his voice almost to a whisper. 'We had a little tea-party here, last -night--five-and-forty women, my dear sir--and gave every one -of 'em a green parasol when she went away.' - -'A parasol!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fact, my dear Sir, fact. Five-and-forty green parasols, at seven -and sixpence a-piece. All women like finery--extraordinary the -effect of those parasols. Secured all their husbands, and half their -brothers--beats stockings, and flannel, and all that sort of thing -hollow. My idea, my dear Sir, entirely. Hail, rain, or sunshine, -you can't walk half a dozen yards up the street, without -encountering half a dozen green parasols.' - -Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth, which -was only checked by the entrance of a third party. - -This was a tall, thin man, with a sandy-coloured head inclined -to baldness, and a face in which solemn importance was blended -with a look of unfathomable profundity. He was dressed in a -long brown surtout, with a black cloth waistcoat, and drab -trousers. A double eyeglass dangled at his waistcoat; and on his -head he wore a very low-crowned hat with a broad brim. -The new-comer was introduced to Mr. Pickwick as Mr. Pott, -the editor of the Eatanswill GAZETTE. After a few preliminary -remarks, Mr. Pott turned round to Mr. Pickwick, and said with -solemnity-- - -'This contest excites great interest in the metropolis, sir?' - -'I believe it does,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'To which I have reason to know,' said Pott, looking towards -Mr. Perker for corroboration--'to which I have reason to know -that my article of last Saturday in some degree contributed.' - -'Not the least doubt of it,' said the little man. - -'The press is a mighty engine, sir,' said Pott. - -Mr. Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the proposition. - -'But I trust, sir,' said Pott, 'that I have never abused the -enormous power I wield. I trust, sir, that I have never pointed the -noble instrument which is placed in my hands, against the sacred -bosom of private life, or the tender breast of individual reputation; -I trust, sir, that I have devoted my energies to--to endeavours-- -humble they may be, humble I know they are--to -instil those principles of--which--are--' - -Here the editor of the Eatanswill GAZETTE, appearing to ramble, -Mr. Pickwick came to his relief, and said-- - -'Certainly.' - -'And what, Sir,' said Pott--'what, Sir, let me ask you as an -impartial man, is the state of the public mind in London, with -reference to my contest with the INDEPENDENT?' - -'Greatly excited, no doubt,' interposed Mr. Perker, with a -look of slyness which was very likely accidental. - -'The contest,' said Pott, 'shall be prolonged so long as I have -health and strength, and that portion of talent with which I am -gifted. From that contest, Sir, although it may unsettle men's -minds and excite their feelings, and render them incapable for -the discharge of the everyday duties of ordinary life; from that -contest, sir, I will never shrink, till I have set my heel upon the -Eatanswill INDEPENDENT. I wish the people of London, and the -people of this country to know, sir, that they may rely upon me ---that I will not desert them, that I am resolved to stand by them, -Sir, to the last.' -'Your conduct is most noble, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and he -grasped the hand of the magnanimous Pott. -'You are, sir, I perceive, a man of sense and talent,' said Mr. -Pott, almost breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic -declaration. 'I am most happy, sir, to make the acquaintance of -such a man.' - -'And I,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'feel deeply honoured by this -expression of your opinion. Allow me, sir, to introduce you to -my fellow-travellers, the other corresponding members of the -club I am proud to have founded.' - -'I shall be delighted,' said Mr. Pott. - -Mr. Pickwick withdrew, and returning with his friends, -presented them in due form to the editor of the Eatanswill GAZETTE. - -'Now, my dear Pott,' said little Mr. Perker, 'the question is, -what are we to do with our friends here?' - -'We can stop in this house, I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not a spare bed in the house, my dear sir--not a single bed.' - -'Extremely awkward,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very,' said his fellow-voyagers. - -'I have an idea upon this subject,' said Mr. Pott, 'which I -think may be very successfully adopted. They have two beds at -the Peacock, and I can boldly say, on behalf of Mrs. Pott, that -she will be delighted to accommodate Mr. Pickwick and any -one of his friends, if the other two gentlemen and their servant -do not object to shifting, as they best can, at the Peacock.' - -After repeated pressings on the part of Mr. Pott, and repeated -protestations on that of Mr. Pickwick that he could not think of -incommoding or troubling his amiable wife, it was decided that -it was the only feasible arrangement that could be made. So it -WAS made; and after dinner together at the Town Arms, the -friends separated, Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass repairing to -the Peacock, and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle proceeding to -the mansion of Mr. Pott; it having been previously arranged -that they should all reassemble at the Town Arms in the morning, -and accompany the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's procession to -the place of nomination. - -Mr. Pott's domestic circle was limited to himself and his -wife. All men whom mighty genius has raised to a proud eminence -in the world, have usually some little weakness which -appears the more conspicuous from the contrast it presents to -their general character. If Mr. Pott had a weakness, it was, -perhaps, that he was rather too submissive to the somewhat -contemptuous control and sway of his wife. We do not feel -justified in laying any particular stress upon the fact, because -on the present occasion all Mrs. Pott's most winning ways -were brought into requisition to receive the two gentlemen. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Pott, 'Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Pickwick of London.' - -Mrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick's paternal grasp of the hand -with enchanting sweetness; and Mr. Winkle, who had not been -announced at all, sidled and bowed, unnoticed, in an obscure corner. - -'P. my dear'--said Mrs. Pott. - -'My life,' said Mr. Pott. - -'Pray introduce the other gentleman.' - -'I beg a thousand pardons,' said Mr. Pott. 'Permit me, Mrs. -Pott, Mr.--' - -'Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Winkle,' echoed Mr. Pott; and the ceremony of introduction -was complete. - -'We owe you many apologies, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'for -disturbing your domestic arrangements at so short a notice.' - -'I beg you won't mention it, sir,' replied the feminine Pott, -with vivacity. 'It is a high treat to me, I assure you, to see any -new faces; living as I do, from day to day, and week to week, in -this dull place, and seeing nobody.' - -'Nobody, my dear!' exclaimed Mr. Pott archly. - -'Nobody but you,' retorted Mrs. Pott, with asperity. - -'You see, Mr. Pickwick,' said the host in explanation of his -wife's lament, 'that we are in some measure cut off from many -enjoyments and pleasures of which we might otherwise partake. -My public station, as editor of the Eatanswill GAZETTE, the -position which that paper holds in the country, my constant -immersion in the vortex of politics--' - -'P. my dear--' interposed Mrs. Pott. - -'My life--' said the editor. - -'I wish, my dear, you would endeavour to find some topic of -conversation in which these gentlemen might take some rational -interest.' - -'But, my love,' said Mr. Pott, with great humility, 'Mr. -Pickwick does take an interest in it.' - -'It's well for him if he can,' said Mrs. Pott emphatically; 'I -am wearied out of my life with your politics, and quarrels with -the INDEPENDENT, and nonsense. I am quite astonished, P., at your -making such an exhibition of your absurdity.' - -'But, my dear--' said Mr. Pott. - -'Oh, nonsense, don't talk to me,' said Mrs. Pott. 'Do you play -ecarte, Sir?' - -'I shall be very happy to learn under your tuition,' replied -Mr. Winkle. - -'Well, then, draw that little table into this window, and let me -get out of hearing of those prosy politics.' - -'Jane,' said Mr. Pott, to the servant who brought in candles, -'go down into the office, and bring me up the file of the GAZETTE -for eighteen hundred and twenty-six. I'll read you,' added the -editor, turning to Mr. Pickwick--'I'll just read you a few of the -leaders I wrote at that time upon the Buff job of appointing a new -tollman to the turnpike here; I rather think they'll amuse you.' - -'I should like to hear them very much indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Up came the file, and down sat the editor, with Mr. Pickwick -at his side. - -We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr. Pickwick's -note-book, in the hope of meeting with a general summary of -these beautiful compositions. We have every reason to believe -that he was perfectly enraptured with the vigour and freshness of -the style; indeed Mr. Winkle has recorded the fact that his eyes -were closed, as if with excess of pleasure, during the whole time -of their perusal. - -The announcement of supper put a stop both to the game of -ecarte, and the recapitulation of the beauties of the Eatanswill -GAZETTE. Mrs. Pott was in the highest spirits and the most -agreeable humour. Mr. Winkle had already made considerable -progress in her good opinion, and she did not hesitate to inform -him, confidentially, that Mr. Pickwick was 'a delightful old dear.' -These terms convey a familiarity of expression, in which few of -those who were intimately acquainted with that colossal-minded -man, would have presumed to indulge. We have preserved them, -nevertheless, as affording at once a touching and a convincing -proof of the estimation in which he was held by every class of -society, and the case with which he made his way to their hearts -and feelings. - -It was a late hour of the night--long after Mr. Tupman and -Mr. Snodgrass had fallen asleep in the inmost recesses of the -Peacock--when the two friends retired to rest. Slumber soon fell -upon the senses of Mr. Winkle, but his feelings had been excited, -and his admiration roused; and for many hours after sleep had -rendered him insensible to earthly objects, the face and figure of -the agreeable Mrs. Pott presented themselves again and again -to his wandering imagination. - -The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning were -sufficient to dispel from the mind of the most romantic visionary -in existence, any associations but those which were immediately -connected with the rapidly-approaching election. The beating of -drums, the blowing of horns and trumpets, the shouting of men, -and tramping of horses, echoed and re--echoed through the streets -from the earliest dawn of day; and an occasional fight between -the light skirmishers of either party at once enlivened the -preparations, and agreeably diversified their character. -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as his valet appeared at his -bedroom door, just as he was concluding his toilet; 'all alive -to-day, I suppose?' - -'Reg'lar game, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'our people's a-collecting -down at the Town Arms, and they're a-hollering themselves -hoarse already.' - -'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'do they seem devoted to their party, Sam?' - -'Never see such dewotion in my life, Sir.' - -'Energetic, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Uncommon,' replied Sam; 'I never see men eat and drink so -much afore. I wonder they ain't afeer'd o' bustin'.' - -'That's the mistaken kindness of the gentry here,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery likely,' replied Sam briefly. - -'Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem,' said Mr. Pickwick, -glancing from the window. - -'Wery fresh,' replied Sam; 'me and the two waiters at the -Peacock has been a-pumpin' over the independent woters as -supped there last night.' - -'Pumping over independent voters!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' said his attendant, 'every man slept vere he fell down; -we dragged 'em out, one by one, this mornin', and put 'em under -the pump, and they're in reg'lar fine order now. Shillin' a head -the committee paid for that 'ere job.' - -'Can such things be!' exclaimed the astonished Mr. Pickwick. - -'Lord bless your heart, sir,' said Sam, 'why where was you half -baptised?--that's nothin', that ain't.' - -'Nothing?'said Mr. Pickwick. -'Nothin' at all, Sir,' replied his attendant. 'The night afore the -last day o' the last election here, the opposite party bribed the -barmaid at the Town Arms, to hocus the brandy-and-water of -fourteen unpolled electors as was a-stoppin' in the house.' - -'What do you mean by "hocussing" brandy-and-water?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Puttin' laud'num in it,' replied Sam. 'Blessed if she didn't -send 'em all to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over. -They took one man up to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by -way of experiment, but it was no go--they wouldn't poll him; so -they brought him back, and put him to bed again.' -'Strange practices, these,' said Mr. Pickwick; half speaking to -himself and half addressing Sam. - -'Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened -to my own father, at an election time, in this wery place, Sir,' -replied Sam. - -'What was that?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, he drove a coach down here once,' said Sam; ''lection -time came on, and he was engaged by vun party to bring down -woters from London. Night afore he was going to drive up, -committee on t' other side sends for him quietly, and away he -goes vith the messenger, who shows him in;--large room--lots of -gen'l'm'n--heaps of papers, pens and ink, and all that 'ere. "Ah, -Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n in the chair, "glad to see you, sir; -how are you?"--"Wery well, thank 'ee, Sir," says my father; "I -hope you're pretty middlin," says he.--"Pretty well, thank'ee, Sir," -says the gen'l'm'n; "sit down, Mr. Weller--pray sit down, sir." -So my father sits down, and he and the gen'l'm'n looks wery -hard at each other. "You don't remember me?" said the -gen'l'm'n.--"Can't say I do," says my father.--"Oh, I know -you," says the gen'l'm'n: "know'd you when you was a boy," -says he.--"Well, I don't remember you," says my father.-- -"That's wery odd," says the gen'l'm'n."--"Wery," says my -father.--"You must have a bad mem'ry, Mr. Weller," says the -gen'l'm'n.--"Well, it is a wery bad 'un," says my father.--"I -thought so," says the gen'l'm'n. So then they pours him out a -glass of wine, and gammons him about his driving, and gets him -into a reg'lar good humour, and at last shoves a twenty-pound -note into his hand. "It's a wery bad road between this and -London," says the gen'l'm'n.--"Here and there it is a heavy -road," says my father.--" 'Specially near the canal, I think," -says the gen'l'm'n.--"Nasty bit that 'ere," says my father.-- -"Well, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n, "you're a wery good -whip, and can do what you like with your horses, we know. -We're all wery fond o' you, Mr. Weller, so in case you should have -an accident when you're bringing these here woters down, and -should tip 'em over into the canal vithout hurtin' of 'em, this is -for yourself," says he.--"Gen'l'm'n, you're wery kind," says my -father, "and I'll drink your health in another glass of wine," says -he; vich he did, and then buttons up the money, and bows -himself out. You wouldn't believe, sir,' continued Sam, with a -look of inexpressible impudence at his master, 'that on the wery -day as he came down with them woters, his coach WAS upset on -that 'ere wery spot, and ev'ry man on 'em was turned into the canal.' - -'And got out again?' inquired Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'Why,' replied Sam very slowly, 'I rather think one old -gen'l'm'n was missin'; I know his hat was found, but I ain't -quite certain whether his head was in it or not. But what I look -at is the hex-traordinary and wonderful coincidence, that arter -what that gen'l'm'n said, my father's coach should be upset in -that wery place, and on that wery day!' - -'it is, no doubt, a very extraordinary circumstance indeed,' -said Mr. Pickwick. 'But brush my hat, Sam, for I hear Mr. Winkle -calling me to breakfast.' - -With these words Mr. Pickwick descended to the parlour, -where he found breakfast laid, and the family already assembled. -The meal was hastily despatched; each of the gentlemen's hats -was decorated with an enormous blue favour, made up by the -fair hands of Mrs. Pott herself; and as Mr. Winkle had undertaken -to escort that lady to a house-top, in the immediate -vicinity of the hustings, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Pott repaired -alone to the Town Arms, from the back window of which, one of -Mr. Slumkey's committee was addressing six small boys and one -girl, whom he dignified, at every second sentence, with the -imposing title of 'Men of Eatanswill,' whereat the six small boys -aforesaid cheered prodigiously. - -The stable-yard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory -and strength of the Eatanswill Blues. There was a regular army -of blue flags, some with one handle, and some with two, -exhibiting appropriate devices, in golden characters four feet high, -and stout in proportion. There was a grand band of trumpets, -bassoons, and drums, marshalled four abreast, and earning their -money, if ever men did, especially the drum-beaters, who were -very muscular. There were bodies of constables with blue staves, -twenty committee-men with blue scarfs, and a mob of voters -with blue cockades. There were electors on horseback and -electors afoot. There was an open carriage-and-four, for the -Honourable Samuel Slumkey; and there were four carriage-and- -pair, for his friends and supporters; and the flags were rustling, -and the band was playing, and the constables were swearing, and -the twenty committee-men were squabbling, and the mob were -shouting, and the horses were backing, and the post-boys -perspiring; and everybody, and everything, then and there -assembled, was for the special use, behoof, honour, and renown, -of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, one of the -candidates for the representation of the borough of Eatanswill, -in the Commons House of Parliament of the United Kingdom. -Loud and long were the cheers, and mighty was the rustling of -one of the blue flags, with 'Liberty of the Press' inscribed thereon, -when the sandy head of Mr. Pott was discerned in one of the -windows, by the mob beneath; and tremendous was the -enthusiasm when the Honourable Samuel Slumkey himself, in -top-boots, and a blue neckerchief, advanced and seized the hand -of the said Pott, and melodramatically testified by gestures -to the crowd, his ineffaceable obligations to the Eatanswill GAZETTE. - -'Is everything ready?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey -to Mr. Perker. - -'Everything, my dear Sir,' was the little man's reply. - -'Nothing has been omitted, I hope?' said the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey. - -'Nothing has been left undone, my dear sir--nothing whatever. -There are twenty washed men at the street door for you to shake -hands with; and six children in arms that you're to pat on the -head, and inquire the age of; be particular about the children, -my dear sir--it has always a great effect, that sort of thing.' - -'I'll take care,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey. - -'And, perhaps, my dear Sir,' said the cautious little man, -'perhaps if you could--I don't mean to say it's indispensable-- -but if you could manage to kiss one of 'em, it would produce a -very great impression on the crowd.' - -'Wouldn't it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder -did that?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey. - -'Why, I am afraid it wouldn't,' replied the agent; 'if it were -done by yourself, my dear Sir, I think it would make you very popular.' - -'Very well,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with a -resigned air, 'then it must be done. That's all.' - -'Arrange the procession,' cried the twenty committee-men. - -Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng, the band, and the -constables, and the committee-men, and the voters, and the -horsemen, and the carriages, took their places--each of the two- -horse vehicles being closely packed with as many gentlemen as -could manage to stand upright in it; and that assigned to Mr. -Perker, containing Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, -and about half a dozen of the committee besides. - -There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession -waited for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to step into his -carriage. Suddenly the crowd set up a great cheering. - -'He has come out,' said little Mr. Perker, greatly excited; the -more so as their position did not enable them to see what was -going forward. - -Another cheer, much louder. - -'He has shaken hands with the men,' cried the little agent. - -Another cheer, far more vehement. - -'He has patted the babies on the head,' said Mr. Perker, -trembling with anxiety. - -A roar of applause that rent the air. - -'He has kissed one of 'em!' exclaimed the delighted little man. - -A second roar. - -'He has kissed another,' gasped the excited manager. - -A third roar. - -'He's kissing 'em all!' screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman, -and hailed by the deafening shouts of the multitude, the -procession moved on. - -How or by what means it became mixed up with the other -procession, and how it was ever extricated from the confusion -consequent thereupon, is more than we can undertake to describe, -inasmuch as Mr. Pickwick's hat was knocked over his eyes, nose, -and mouth, by one poke of a Buff flag-staff, very early in the -proceedings. He describes himself as being surrounded on every -side, when he could catch a glimpse of the scene, by angry and -ferocious countenances, by a vast cloud of dust, and by a dense -crowd of combatants. He represents himself as being forced -from the carriage by some unseen power, and being personally -engaged in a pugilistic encounter; but with whom, or how, or -why, he is wholly unable to state. He then felt himself forced up -some wooden steps by the persons from behind; and on removing -his hat, found himself surrounded by his friends, in the very -front of the left hand side of the hustings. The right was reserved -for the Buff party, and the centre for the mayor and his officers; -one of whom--the fat crier of Eatanswill--was ringing an -enormous bell, by way of commanding silence, while Mr. -Horatio Fizkin, and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with their -hands upon their hearts, were bowing with the utmost affability -to the troubled sea of heads that inundated the open space in -front; and from whence arose a storm of groans, and shouts, -and yells, and hootings, that would have done honour to an earthquake. - -'There's Winkle,' said Mr. Tupman, pulling his friend by the sleeve. - -'Where!' said Mr. Pickwick, putting on his spectacles, which -he had fortunately kept in his pocket hitherto. -'There,' said Mr. Tupman, 'on the top of that house.' And -there, sure enough, in the leaden gutter of a tiled roof, were -Mr. Winkle and Mrs. Pott, comfortably seated in a couple of -chairs, waving their handkerchiefs in token of recognition--a -compliment which Mr. Pickwick returned by kissing his hand to -the lady. - -The proceedings had not yet commenced; and as an inactive -crowd is generally disposed to be jocose, this very innocent -action was sufficient to awaken their facetiousness. - -'Oh, you wicked old rascal,' cried one voice, 'looking arter the -girls, are you?' - -'Oh, you wenerable sinner,' cried another. - -'Putting on his spectacles to look at a married 'ooman!' said a -third. - -'I see him a-winkin' at her, with his wicked old eye,' shouted a -fourth. - -'Look arter your wife, Pott,' bellowed a fifth--and then there -was a roar of laughter. - -As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons -between Mr. Pickwick and an aged ram, and several witticisms of -the like nature; and as they moreover rather tended to convey -reflections upon the honour of an innocent lady, Mr. Pickwick's -indignation was excessive; but as silence was proclaimed at the -moment, he contented himself by scorching the mob with a look -of pity for their misguided minds, at which they laughed more -boisterously than ever. - -'Silence!' roared the mayor's attendants. - -'Whiffin, proclaim silence,' said the mayor, with an air of -pomp befitting his lofty station. In obedience to this command the -crier performed another concerto on the bell, whereupon a -gentleman in the crowd called out 'Muffins'; which occasioned -another laugh. - -'Gentlemen,' said the mayor, at as loud a pitch as he could -possibly force his voice to--'gentlemen. Brother electors of the -borough of Eatanswill. We are met here to-day for the purpose -of choosing a representative in the room of our late--' - -Here the mayor was interrupted by a voice in the crowd. - -'Suc-cess to the mayor!' cried the voice, 'and may he never -desert the nail and sarspan business, as he got his money by.' - -This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was -received with a storm of delight, which, with a bell-accompaniment, -rendered the remainder of his speech inaudible, with the -exception of the concluding sentence, in which he thanked the -meeting for the patient attention with which they heard him -throughout--an expression of gratitude which elicited another -burst of mirth, of about a quarter of an hour's duration. - -Next, a tall, thin gentleman, in a very stiff white neckerchief, -after being repeatedly desired by the crowd to 'send a boy home, -to ask whether he hadn't left his voice under the pillow,' begged to -nominate a fit and proper person to represent them in Parliament. -And when he said it was Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin -Lodge, near Eatanswill, the Fizkinites applauded, and the -Slumkeyites groaned, so long, and so loudly, that both he and -the seconder might have sung comic songs in lieu of speaking, -without anybody's being a bit the wiser. - -The friends of Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, having had their -innings, a little choleric, pink-faced man stood forward to -propose another fit and proper person to represent the electors of -Eatanswill in Parliament; and very swimmingly the pink-faced -gentleman would have got on, if he had not been rather too -choleric to entertain a sufficient perception of the fun of the -crowd. But after a very few sentences of figurative eloquence, the -pink-faced gentleman got from denouncing those who interrupted -him in the mob, to exchanging defiances with the gentlemen -on the hustings; whereupon arose an uproar which reduced -him to the necessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime, -which he did, and then left the stage to his seconder, who -delivered a written speech of half an hour's length, and wouldn't -be stopped, because he had sent it all to the Eatanswill GAZETTE, -and the Eatanswill GAZETTE had already printed it, every word. - -Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, -presented himself for the purpose of addressing the electors; -which he no sooner did, than the band employed by the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey, commenced performing with a power to -which their strength in the morning was a trifle; in return for -which, the Buff crowd belaboured the heads and shoulders of the -Blue crowd; on which the Blue crowd endeavoured to dispossess -themselves of their very unpleasant neighbours the Buff crowd; -and a scene of struggling, and pushing, and fighting, succeeded, -to which we can no more do justice than the mayor could, -although he issued imperative orders to twelve constables to -seize the ringleaders, who might amount in number to two -hundred and fifty, or thereabouts. At all these encounters, -Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and his friends, waxed -fierce and furious; until at last Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin -Lodge, begged to ask his opponent, the Honourable Samuel -Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, whether that band played by his -consent; which question the Honourable Samuel Slumkey -declining to answer, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, -shook his fist in the countenance of the Honourable Samuel -Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall; upon which the Honourable Samuel -Slumkey, his blood being up, defied Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, -to mortal combat. At this violation of all known rules and -precedents of order, the mayor commanded another fantasia on -the bell, and declared that he would bring before himself, both -Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, and bind them over to keep -the peace. Upon this terrific denunciation, the supporters of the -two candidates interfered, and after the friends of each party had -quarrelled in pairs, for three-quarters of an hour, Horatio -Fizkin, Esquire, touched his hat to the Honourable Samuel -Slumkey; the Honourable Samuel Slumkey touched his to -Horatio Fizkin, Esquire; the band was stopped; the crowd were -partially quieted; and Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, was permitted -to proceed. - -The speeches of the two candidates, though differing in every -other respect, afforded a beautiful tribute to the merit and high -worth of the electors of Eatanswill. Both expressed their opinion -that a more independent, a more enlightened, a more public- -spirited, a more noble-minded, a more disinterested set of men -than those who had promised to vote for him, never existed on -earth; each darkly hinted his suspicions that the electors in the -opposite interest had certain swinish and besotted infirmities -which rendered them unfit for the exercise of the important -duties they were called upon to discharge. Fizkin expressed his -readiness to do anything he was wanted: Slumkey, his determination -to do nothing that was asked of him. Both said that the -trade, the manufactures, the commerce, the prosperity of -Eatanswill, would ever be dearer to their hearts than any earthly -object; and each had it in his power to state, with the utmost -confidence, that he was the man who would eventually be returned. - -There was a show of hands; the mayor decided in favour of the -Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall. Horatio Fizkin, -Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, demanded a poll, and a poll was fixed -accordingly. Then a vote of thanks was moved to the mayor for -his able conduct in the chair; and the mayor, devoutly wishing -that he had had a chair to display his able conduct in (for he had -been standing during the whole proceedings), returned thanks. -The processions reformed, the carriages rolled slowly through -the crowd, and its members screeched and shouted after them as -their feelings or caprice dictated. - -During the whole time of the polling, the town was in a -perpetual fever of excitement. Everything was conducted on the -most liberal and delightful scale. Excisable articles were remarkably -cheap at all the public-houses; and spring vans paraded the -streets for the accommodation of voters who were seized with -any temporary dizziness in the head--an epidemic which prevailed -among the electors, during the contest, to a most alarming -extent, and under the influence of which they might frequently -be seen lying on the pavements in a state of utter insensibility. A -small body of electors remained unpolled on the very last day. -They were calculating and reflecting persons, who had not yet -been convinced by the arguments of either party, although they -had frequent conferences with each. One hour before the close -of the poll, Mr. Perker solicited the honour of a private interview -with these intelligent, these noble, these patriotic men. it was -granted. His arguments were brief but satisfactory. They went in -a body to the poll; and when they returned, the Honourable -Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, was returned also. - - - -CHAPTER XIV -COMPRISING A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF THE COMPANY - AT THE PEACOCK ASSEMBLED; AND A TALE TOLD BY A - BAGMAN - - -It is pleasant to turn from contemplating the strife and -turmoil of political existence, to the peaceful repose of -private life. Although in reality no great partisan of either side, -Mr. Pickwick was sufficiently fired with Mr. Pott's enthusiasm, -to apply his whole time and attention to the proceedings, of -which the last chapter affords a description compiled from his -own memoranda. Nor while he was thus occupied was Mr. -Winkle idle, his whole time being devoted to pleasant walks and -short country excursions with Mrs. Pott, who never failed, when -such an opportunity presented itself, to seek some relief from the -tedious monotony she so constantly complained of. The two -gentlemen being thus completely domesticated in the editor's -house, Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were in a great measure -cast upon their own resources. Taking but little interest in public -affairs, they beguiled their time chiefly with such amusements as -the Peacock afforded, which were limited to a bagatelle-board in -the first floor, and a sequestered skittle-ground in the back yard. -In the science and nicety of both these recreations, which are far -more abstruse than ordinary men suppose, they were gradually -initiated by Mr. Weller, who possessed a perfect knowledge of -such pastimes. Thus, notwithstanding that they were in a great -measure deprived of the comfort and advantage of Mr. Pickwick's -society, they were still enabled to beguile the time, and to -prevent its hanging heavily on their hands. - -It was in the evening, however, that the Peacock presented -attractions which enabled the two friends to resist even the -invitations of the gifted, though prosy, Pott. It was in the evening -that the 'commercial room' was filled with a social circle, whose -characters and manners it was the delight of Mr. Tupman to -observe; whose sayings and doings it was the habit of Mr. -Snodgrass to note down. - -Most people know what sort of places commercial rooms -usually are. That of the Peacock differed in no material respect -from the generality of such apartments; that is to say, it was a -large, bare-looking room, the furniture of which had no doubt -been better when it was newer, with a spacious table in the centre, -and a variety of smaller dittos in the corners; an extensive -assortment of variously shaped chairs, and an old Turkey carpet, -bearing about the same relative proportion to the size of the -room, as a lady's pocket-handkerchief might to the floor of a -watch-box. The walls were garnished with one or two large -maps; and several weather-beaten rough greatcoats, with -complicated capes, dangled from a long row of pegs in one -corner. The mantel-shelf was ornamented with a wooden inkstand, -containing one stump of a pen and half a wafer; a road- -book and directory; a county history minus the cover; and the -mortal remains of a trout in a glass coffin. The atmosphere was -redolent of tobacco-smoke, the fumes of which had communicated -a rather dingy hue to the whole room, and more especially -to the dusty red curtains which shaded the windows. On the -sideboard a variety of miscellaneous articles were huddled -together, the most conspicuous of which were some very cloudy -fish-sauce cruets, a couple of driving-boxes, two or three whips, -and as many travelling shawls, a tray of knives and forks, and -the mustard. - -Here it was that Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were seated -on the evening after the conclusion of the election, with several -other temporary inmates of the house, smoking and drinking. - -'Well, gents,' said a stout, hale personage of about forty, with -only one eye--a very bright black eye, which twinkled with a -roguish expression of fun and good-humour, 'our noble selves, -gents. I always propose that toast to the company, and drink -Mary to myself. Eh, Mary!' - -'Get along with you, you wretch,' said the hand-maiden, -obviously not ill-pleased with the compliment, however. - -'Don't go away, Mary,' said the black-eyed man. - -'Let me alone, imperence,' said the young lady. - -'Never mind,' said the one-eyed man, calling after the girl as -she left the room. 'I'll step out by and by, Mary. Keep your -spirits up, dear.' Here he went through the not very difficult -process of winking upon the company with his solitary eye, to -the enthusiastic delight of an elderly personage with a dirty face -and a clay pipe. - -'Rum creeters is women,' said the dirty-faced man, after a pause. - -'Ah! no mistake about that,' said a very red-faced man, -behind a cigar. - -After this little bit of philosophy there was another pause. - -'There's rummer things than women in this world though, -mind you,' said the man with the black eye, slowly filling a large -Dutch pipe, with a most capacious bowl. - -'Are you married?' inquired the dirty-faced man. - -'Can't say I am.' - -'I thought not.' Here the dirty-faced man fell into ecstasies of -mirth at his own retort, in which he was joined by a man of -bland voice and placid countenance, who always made it a point -to agree with everybody. - -'Women, after all, gentlemen,' said the enthusiastic Mr. -Snodgrass, 'are the great props and comforts of our existence.' - -'So they are,' said the placid gentleman. - -'When they're in a good humour,' interposed the dirty-faced man. - -'And that's very true,' said the placid one. - -'I repudiate that qualification,' said Mr. Snodgrass, whose -thoughts were fast reverting to Emily Wardle. 'I repudiate it -with disdain--with indignation. Show me the man who says -anything against women, as women, and I boldly declare he is -not a man.' And Mr. Snodgrass took his cigar from his mouth, -and struck the table violently with his clenched fist. - -'That's good sound argument,' said the placid man. - -'Containing a position which I deny,' interrupted he of the -dirty countenance. - -'And there's certainly a very great deal of truth in what you -observe too, Sir,' said the placid gentleman. - -'Your health, Sir,' said the bagman with the lonely eye, -bestowing an approving nod on Mr. Snodgrass. - -Mr. Snodgrass acknowledged the compliment. - -'I always like to hear a good argument,'continued the bagman, -'a sharp one, like this: it's very improving; but this little argument -about women brought to my mind a story I have heard an -old uncle of mine tell, the recollection of which, just now, made -me say there were rummer things than women to be met with, sometimes.' - -'I should like to hear that same story,' said the red-faced man -with the cigar. - -'Should you?' was the only reply of the bagman, who -continued to smoke with great vehemence. - -'So should I,' said Mr. Tupman, speaking for the first time. -He was always anxious to increase his stock of experience. - -'Should YOU? Well then, I'll tell it. No, I won't. I know you -won't believe it,' said the man with the roguish eye, making that -organ look more roguish than ever. -'If you say it's true, of course I shall,' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Well, upon that understanding I'll tell you,' replied the -traveller. 'Did you ever hear of the great commercial house of -Bilson & Slum? But it doesn't matter though, whether you did or -not, because they retired from business long since. It's eighty -years ago, since the circumstance happened to a traveller for -that house, but he was a particular friend of my uncle's; and -my uncle told the story to me. It's a queer name; but he used to -call it - - - THE BAGMAN'S STORY - -and he used to tell it, something in this way. - - -'One winter's evening, about five o'clock, just as it began to -grow dusk, a man in a gig might have been seen urging his tired -horse along the road which leads across Marlborough Downs, in -the direction of Bristol. I say he might have been seen, and I have -no doubt he would have been, if anybody but a blind man had -happened to pass that way; but the weather was so bad, and the -night so cold and wet, that nothing was out but the water, and -so the traveller jogged along in the middle of the road, lonesome -and dreary enough. If any bagman of that day could have caught -sight of the little neck-or-nothing sort of gig, with a clay- -coloured body and red wheels, and the vixenish, ill tempered, -fast-going bay mare, that looked like a cross between a butcher's -horse and a twopenny post-office pony, he would have known at -once, that this traveller could have been no other than Tom -Smart, of the great house of Bilson and Slum, Cateaton Street, -City. However, as there was no bagman to look on, nobody -knew anything at all about the matter; and so Tom Smart and -his clay-coloured gig with the red wheels, and the vixenish mare -with the fast pace, went on together, keeping the secret among -them, and nobody was a bit the wiser. - -'There are many pleasanter places even in this dreary world, -than Marlborough Downs when it blows hard; and if you throw -in beside, a gloomy winter's evening, a miry and sloppy road, and -a pelting fall of heavy rain, and try the effect, by way of experiment, -in your own proper person, you will experience the full -force of this observation. - -'The wind blew--not up the road or down it, though that's -bad enough, but sheer across it, sending the rain slanting down -like the lines they used to rule in the copy-books at school, to -make the boys slope well. For a moment it would die away, and -the traveller would begin to delude himself into the belief that, -exhausted with its previous fury, it had quietly laid itself down -to rest, when, whoo! he could hear it growling and whistling in -the distance, and on it would come rushing over the hill-tops, and -sweeping along the plain, gathering sound and strength as it -drew nearer, until it dashed with a heavy gust against horse and -man, driving the sharp rain into their ears, and its cold damp -breath into their very bones; and past them it would scour, far, -far away, with a stunning roar, as if in ridicule of their weakness, -and triumphant in the consciousness of its own strength and power. - -'The bay mare splashed away, through the mud and water, -with drooping ears; now and then tossing her head as if to -express her disgust at this very ungentlemanly behaviour of the -elements, but keeping a good pace notwithstanding, until a gust -of wind, more furious than any that had yet assailed them, -caused her to stop suddenly and plant her four feet firmly against -the ground, to prevent her being blown over. It's a special mercy -that she did this, for if she HAD been blown over, the vixenish -mare was so light, and the gig was so light, and Tom Smart such -a light weight into the bargain, that they must infallibly have all -gone rolling over and over together, until they reached the -confines of earth, or until the wind fell; and in either case the -probability is, that neither the vixenish mare, nor the clay- -coloured gig with the red wheels, nor Tom Smart, would ever -have been fit for service again. - -'"Well, damn my straps and whiskers," says Tom Smart -(Tom sometimes had an unpleasant knack of swearing)-- -"damn my straps and whiskers," says Tom, "if this ain't -pleasant, blow me!" - -'You'll very likely ask me why, as Tom Smart had been pretty -well blown already, he expressed this wish to be submitted to the -same process again. I can't say--all I know is, that Tom Smart -said so--or at least he always told my uncle he said so, and it's -just the same thing. - -"'Blow me," says Tom Smart; and the mare neighed as if she -were precisely of the same opinion. - -"'Cheer up, old girl," said Tom, patting the bay mare on the -neck with the end of his whip. "It won't do pushing on, such a -night as this; the first house we come to we'll put up at, so the -faster you go the sooner it's over. Soho, old girl--gently--gently." - -'Whether the vixenish mare was sufficiently well acquainted -with the tones of Tom's voice to comprehend his meaning, or -whether she found it colder standing still than moving on, of -course I can't say. But I can say that Tom had no sooner finished -speaking, than she pricked up her ears, and started forward at a -speed which made the clay-coloured gig rattle until you would -have supposed every one of the red spokes were going to fly out -on the turf of Marlborough Downs; and even Tom, whip as he -was, couldn't stop or check her pace, until she drew up of her -own accord, before a roadside inn on the right-hand side of the -way, about half a quarter of a mile from the end of the Downs. -'Tom cast a hasty glance at the upper part of the house as he -threw the reins to the hostler, and stuck the whip in the box. It -was a strange old place, built of a kind of shingle, inlaid, as it -were, with cross-beams, with gabled-topped windows projecting -completely over the pathway, and a low door with a dark porch, -and a couple of steep steps leading down into the house, instead -of the modern fashion of half a dozen shallow ones leading up to -it. It was a comfortable-looking place though, for there was a -strong, cheerful light in the bar window, which shed a bright ray -across the road, and even lighted up the hedge on the other side; -and there was a red flickering light in the opposite window, one -moment but faintly discernible, and the next gleaming strongly -through the drawn curtains, which intimated that a rousing fire -was blazing within. Marking these little evidences with the eye of -an experienced traveller, Tom dismounted with as much agility -as his half-frozen limbs would permit, and entered the house. - -'In less than five minutes' time, Tom was ensconced in the -room opposite the bar--the very room where he had imagined -the fire blazing--before a substantial, matter-of-fact, roaring -fire, composed of something short of a bushel of coals, and wood -enough to make half a dozen decent gooseberry bushes, piled -half-way up the chimney, and roaring and crackling with a -sound that of itself would have warmed the heart of any reasonable -man. This was comfortable, but this was not all; for a -smartly-dressed girl, with a bright eye and a neat ankle, was -laying a very clean white cloth on the table; and as Tom sat with -his slippered feet on the fender, and his back to the open door, he -saw a charming prospect of the bar reflected in the glass over the -chimney-piece, with delightful rows of green bottles and gold -labels, together with jars of pickles and preserves, and cheeses -and boiled hams, and rounds of beef, arranged on shelves in the -most tempting and delicious array. Well, this was comfortable -too; but even this was not all--for in the bar, seated at tea at the -nicest possible little table, drawn close up before the brightest -possible little fire, was a buxom widow of somewhere about -eight-and-forty or thereabouts, with a face as comfortable as the -bar, who was evidently the landlady of the house, and the -supreme ruler over all these agreeable possessions. There was -only one drawback to the beauty of the whole picture, and that -was a tall man--a very tall man--in a brown coat and bright -basket buttons, and black whiskers and wavy black hair, who -was seated at tea with the widow, and who it required no great -penetration to discover was in a fair way of persuading her to be -a widow no longer, but to confer upon him the privilege of -sitting down in that bar, for and during the whole remainder of -the term of his natural life. - -'Tom Smart was by no means of an irritable or envious -disposition, but somehow or other the tall man with the brown -coat and the bright basket buttons did rouse what little gall he -had in his composition, and did make him feel extremely indignant, -the more especially as he could now and then observe, from -his seat before the glass, certain little affectionate familiarities -passing between the tall man and the widow, which sufficiently -denoted that the tall man was as high in favour as he was in size. -Tom was fond of hot punch--I may venture to say he was VERY -fond of hot punch--and after he had seen the vixenish mare well -fed and well littered down, and had eaten every bit of the nice -little hot dinner which the widow tossed up for him with her -own hands, he just ordered a tumbler of it by way of experiment. -Now, if there was one thing in the whole range of domestic art, -which the widow could manufacture better than another, it was -this identical article; and the first tumbler was adapted to Tom -Smart's taste with such peculiar nicety, that he ordered a second -with the least possible delay. Hot punch is a pleasant thing, -gentlemen--an extremely pleasant thing under any circumstances ---but in that snug old parlour, before the roaring fire, with the -wind blowing outside till every timber in the old house creaked -again, Tom Smart found it perfectly delightful. He ordered -another tumbler, and then another--I am not quite certain -whether he didn't order another after that--but the more he -drank of the hot punch, the more he thought of the tall man. - -'"Confound his impudence!" said Tom to himself, "what -business has he in that snug bar? Such an ugly villain too!" said -Tom. "If the widow had any taste, she might surely pick up some -better fellow than that." Here Tom's eye wandered from the glass -on the chimney-piece to the glass on the table; and as he felt -himself becoming gradually sentimental, he emptied the fourth -tumbler of punch and ordered a fifth. - -'Tom Smart, gentlemen, had always been very much attached -to the public line. It had been long his ambition to stand in a bar -of his own, in a green coat, knee-cords, and tops. He had a great -notion of taking the chair at convivial dinners, and he had often -thought how well he could preside in a room of his own in the -talking way, and what a capital example he could set to his -customers in the drinking department. All these things passed -rapidly through Tom's mind as he sat drinking the hot punch by -the roaring fire, and he felt very justly and properly indignant -that the tall man should be in a fair way of keeping such an -excellent house, while he, Tom Smart, was as far off from it as -ever. So, after deliberating over the two last tumblers, whether he -hadn't a perfect right to pick a quarrel with the tall man for -having contrived to get into the good graces of the buxom widow, -Tom Smart at last arrived at the satisfactory conclusion that he -was a very ill-used and persecuted individual, and had better go -to bed. - -'Up a wide and ancient staircase the smart girl preceded Tom, -shading the chamber candle with her hand, to protect it from the -currents of air which in such a rambling old place might have -found plenty of room to disport themselves in, without blowing -the candle out, but which did blow it out nevertheless--thus -affording Tom's enemies an opportunity of asserting that it was -he, and not the wind, who extinguished the candle, and that -while he pretended to be blowing it alight again, he was in fact -kissing the girl. Be this as it may, another light was obtained, and -Tom was conducted through a maze of rooms, and a labyrinth -of passages, to the apartment which had been prepared for his -reception, where the girl bade him good-night and left him alone. - -'It was a good large room with big closets, and a bed which -might have served for a whole boarding-school, to say nothing of -a couple of oaken presses that would have held the baggage of a -small army; but what struck Tom's fancy most was a strange, -grim-looking, high backed chair, carved in the most fantastic -manner, with a flowered damask cushion, and the round knobs -at the bottom of the legs carefully tied up in red cloth, as if it -had got the gout in its toes. Of any other queer chair, Tom would -only have thought it was a queer chair, and there would have -been an end of the matter; but there was something about this -particular chair, and yet he couldn't tell what it was, so odd and -so unlike any other piece of furniture he had ever seen, that it -seemed to fascinate him. He sat down before the fire, and stared -at the old chair for half an hour.--Damn the chair, it was such -a strange old thing, he couldn't take his eyes off it. - -"'Well," said Tom, slowly undressing himself, and staring at -the old chair all the while, which stood with a mysterious aspect -by the bedside, "I never saw such a rum concern as that in my -days. Very odd," said Tom, who had got rather sage with the hot -punch--'very odd." Tom shook his head with an air of profound -wisdom, and looked at the chair again. He couldn't make -anything of it though, so he got into bed, covered himself up -warm, and fell asleep. - -'In about half an hour, Tom woke up with a start, from a -confused dream of tall men and tumblers of punch; and the first -object that presented itself to his waking imagination was the -queer chair. - -'"I won't look at it any more," said Tom to himself, and he -squeezed his eyelids together, and tried to persuade himself he -was going to sleep again. No use; nothing but queer chairs -danced before his eyes, kicking up their legs, jumping over each -other's backs, and playing all kinds of antics. - -"'I may as well see one real chair, as two or three complete -sets of false ones," said Tom, bringing out his head from under -the bedclothes. There it was, plainly discernible by the light of -the fire, looking as provoking as ever. - -'Tom gazed at the chair; and, suddenly as he looked at it, a -most extraordinary change seemed to come over it. The carving -of the back gradually assumed the lineaments and expression of -an old, shrivelled human face; the damask cushion became an -antique, flapped waistcoat; the round knobs grew into a couple -of feet, encased in red cloth slippers; and the whole chair looked -like a very ugly old man, of the previous century, with his arms -akimbo. Tom sat up in bed, and rubbed his eyes to dispel the -illusion. No. The chair was an ugly old gentleman; and what -was more, he was winking at Tom Smart. - -'Tom was naturally a headlong, careless sort of dog, and he -had had five tumblers of hot punch into the bargain; so, although -he was a little startled at first, he began to grow rather indignant -when he saw the old gentleman winking and leering at him with -such an impudent air. At length he resolved that he wouldn't -stand it; and as the old face still kept winking away as fast as -ever, Tom said, in a very angry tone-- - -'"What the devil are you winking at me for?" - -'"Because I like it, Tom Smart," said the chair; or the old -gentleman, whichever you like to call him. He stopped winking -though, when Tom spoke, and began grinning like a -superannuated monkey. - -'"How do you know my name, old nut-cracker face?" -inquired Tom Smart, rather staggered; though he pretended to -carry it off so well. - -'"Come, come, Tom," said the old gentleman, "that's not the -way to address solid Spanish mahogany. Damme, you couldn't -treat me with less respect if I was veneered." When the old -gentleman said this, he looked so fierce that Tom began to -grow frightened. - -'"I didn't mean to treat you with any disrespect, Sir," said -Tom, in a much humbler tone than he had spoken in at first. - -'"Well, well," said the old fellow, "perhaps not--perhaps -not. Tom--" - -'"sir--" - -'"I know everything about you, Tom; everything. You're -very poor, Tom." - -'"I certainly am," said Tom Smart. "But how came you to -know that?" - -'"Never mind that," said the old gentleman; "you're much -too fond of punch, Tom." - -'Tom Smart was just on the point of protesting that he hadn't -tasted a drop since his last birthday, but when his eye encountered -that of the old gentleman he looked so knowing that Tom -blushed, and was silent. - -'"Tom," said the old gentleman, "the widow's a fine woman-- -remarkably fine woman--eh, Tom?" Here the old fellow -screwed up his eyes, cocked up one of his wasted little legs, and -looked altogether so unpleasantly amorous, that Tom was quite -disgusted with the levity of his behaviour--at his time of life, too! -'"I am her guardian, Tom," said the old gentleman. - -'"Are you?" inquired Tom Smart. - -'"I knew her mother, Tom," said the old fellow: "and her -grandmother. She was very fond of me--made me this waistcoat, Tom." - -'"Did she?" said Tom Smart. - -'"And these shoes," said the old fellow, lifting up one of the -red cloth mufflers; "but don't mention it, Tom. I shouldn't like to -have it known that she was so much attached to me. It might -occasion some unpleasantness in the family." When the old -rascal said this, he looked so extremely impertinent, that, as -Tom Smart afterwards declared, he could have sat upon him -without remorse. - -'"I have been a great favourite among the women in my time, -Tom," said the profligate old debauchee; "hundreds of fine -women have sat in my lap for hours together. What do you think -of that, you dog, eh!" The old gentleman was proceeding to -recount some other exploits of his youth, when he was seized -with such a violent fit of creaking that he was unable to proceed. - -'"Just serves you right, old boy," thought Tom Smart; but he -didn't say anything. - -'"Ah!" said the old fellow, "I am a good deal troubled with -this now. I am getting old, Tom, and have lost nearly all my rails. -I have had an operation performed, too--a small piece let into -my back--and I found it a severe trial, Tom." - -'"I dare say you did, Sir," said Tom Smart. - -'"However," said the old gentleman, "that's not the point. -Tom! I want you to marry the widow." - -'"Me, Sir!" said Tom. - -'"You," said the old gentleman. - -'"Bless your reverend locks," said Tom (he had a few scattered -horse-hairs left)--"bless your reverend locks, she wouldn't have -me." And Tom sighed involuntarily, as he thought of the bar. - -'"Wouldn't she?" said the old gentleman firmly. - -'"No, no," said Tom; "there's somebody else in the wind. A -tall man--a confoundedly tall man--with black whiskers." - -'"Tom," said the old gentleman; "she will never have him." - -'"Won't she?" said Tom. "If you stood in the bar, old -gentleman, you'd tell another story." -'"Pooh, pooh," said the old gentleman. "I know all about that. " - -'"About what?" said Tom. - -'"The kissing behind the door, and all that sort of thing, -Tom," said the old gentleman. And here he gave another -impudent look, which made Tom very wroth, because as you all -know, gentlemen, to hear an old fellow, who ought to know -better, talking about these things, is very unpleasant--nothing -more so. - -'"I know all about that, Tom," said the old gentleman. "I -have seen it done very often in my time, Tom, between more -people than I should like to mention to you; but it never came to -anything after all." - -'"You must have seen some queer things," said Tom, with an -inquisitive look. - -'"You may say that, Tom," replied the old fellow, with a very -complicated wink. "I am the last of my family, Tom," said the -old gentleman, with a melancholy sigh. - -'"Was it a large one?" inquired Tom Smart. - -'"There were twelve of us, Tom," said the old gentleman; -"fine, straight-backed, handsome fellows as you'd wish to see. -None of your modern abortions--all with arms, and with a -degree of polish, though I say it that should not, which it would -have done your heart good to behold." - -'"And what's become of the others, Sir?" asked Tom Smart-- - -'The old gentleman applied his elbow to his eye as he replied, -"Gone, Tom, gone. We had hard service, Tom, and they hadn't -all my constitution. They got rheumatic about the legs and arms, -and went into kitchens and other hospitals; and one of 'em, with -long service and hard usage, positively lost his senses--he got -so crazy that he was obliged to be burnt. Shocking thing that, Tom." - -'"Dreadful!" said Tom Smart. - -'The old fellow paused for a few minutes, apparently struggling -with his feelings of emotion, and then said-- - -'"However, Tom, I am wandering from the point. This tall -man, Tom, is a rascally adventurer. The moment he married the -widow, he would sell off all the furniture, and run away. What -would be the consequence? She would be deserted and reduced -to ruin, and I should catch my death of cold in some broker's shop." - -'"Yes, but--" - -'"Don't interrupt me," said the old gentleman. "Of you, Tom, -I entertain a very different opinion; for I well know that if you -once settled yourself in a public-house, you would never leave it, -as long as there was anything to drink within its walls." - -'"I am very much obliged to you for your good opinion, Sir," -said Tom Smart. - -'"Therefore," resumed the old gentleman, in a dictatorial -tone, "you shall have her, and he shall not." - -'"What is to prevent it?" said Tom Smart eagerly. - -'"This disclosure," replied the old gentleman; "he is already married." - -'"How can I prove it?" said Tom, starting half out of bed. - -'The old gentleman untucked his arm from his side, and having -pointed to one of the oaken presses, immediately replaced it, in -its old position. - -'"He little thinks," said the old gentleman, "that in the right- -hand pocket of a pair of trousers in that press, he has left a letter, -entreating him to return to his disconsolate wife, with six--mark -me, Tom--six babes, and all of them small ones." - -'As the old gentleman solemnly uttered these words, his -features grew less and less distinct, and his figure more shadowy. -A film came over Tom Smart's eyes. The old man seemed -gradually blending into the chair, the damask waistcoat to -resolve into a cushion, the red slippers to shrink into little red -cloth bags. The light faded gently away, and Tom Smart fell -back on his pillow, and dropped asleep. - -'Morning aroused Tom from the lethargic slumber, into -which he had fallen on the disappearance of the old man. He sat -up in bed, and for some minutes vainly endeavoured to recall the -events of the preceding night. Suddenly they rushed upon him. -He looked at the chair; it was a fantastic and grim-looking piece -of furniture, certainly, but it must have been a remarkably -ingenious and lively imagination, that could have discovered any -resemblance between it and an old man. - -'"How are you, old boy?" said Tom. He was bolder in the -daylight--most men are. - -'The chair remained motionless, and spoke not a word. - -'"Miserable morning," said Tom. No. The chair would not be -drawn into conversation. - -'"Which press did you point to?--you can tell me that," said -Tom. Devil a word, gentlemen, the chair would say. - -'"It's not much trouble to open it, anyhow," said Tom, -getting out of bed very deliberately. He walked up to one of the -presses. The key was in the lock; he turned it, and opened the -door. There was a pair of trousers there. He put his hand into the -pocket, and drew forth the identical letter the old gentleman -had described! - -'"Queer sort of thing, this," said Tom Smart, looking first at -the chair and then at the press, and then at the letter, and then at -the chair again. "Very queer," said Tom. But, as there was -nothing in either, to lessen the queerness, he thought he might as -well dress himself, and settle the tall man's business at once-- -just to put him out of his misery. - -'Tom surveyed the rooms he passed through, on his way -downstairs, with the scrutinising eye of a landlord; thinking it -not impossible, that before long, they and their contents would -be his property. The tall man was standing in the snug little -bar, with his hands behind him, quite at home. He grinned -vacantly at Tom. A casual observer might have supposed he did -it, only to show his white teeth; but Tom Smart thought that a -consciousness of triumph was passing through the place where -the tall man's mind would have been, if he had had any. Tom -laughed in his face; and summoned the landlady. - -'"Good-morning ma'am," said Tom Smart, closing the door -of the little parlour as the widow entered. - -'"Good-morning, Sir," said the widow. "What will you take -for breakfast, sir?" - -'Tom was thinking how he should open the case, so he made -no answer. - -'"There's a very nice ham," said the widow, "and a beautiful -cold larded fowl. Shall I send 'em in, Sir?" - -'These words roused Tom from his reflections. His admiration -of the widow increased as she spoke. Thoughtful creature! -Comfortable provider! - -'"Who is that gentleman in the bar, ma'am?" inquired Tom. - -'"His name is Jinkins, Sir," said the widow, slightly blushing. - -'"He's a tall man," said Tom. - -'"He is a very fine man, Sir," replied the widow, "and a very -nice gentleman." - -'"Ah!" said Tom. - -'"Is there anything more you want, Sir?" inquired the widow, -rather puzzled by Tom's manner. -'"Why, yes," said Tom. "My dear ma'am, will you have the -kindness to sit down for one moment?" - -'The widow looked much amazed, but she sat down, and Tom -sat down too, close beside her. I don't know how it happened, -gentlemen--indeed my uncle used to tell me that Tom Smart said -he didn't know how it happened either--but somehow or other -the palm of Tom's hand fell upon the back of the widow's hand, -and remained there while he spoke. - -'"My dear ma'am," said Tom Smart--he had always a great -notion of committing the amiable--"my dear ma'am, you -deserve a very excellent husband--you do indeed." - -'"Lor, Sir!" said the widow--as well she might; Tom's mode -of commencing the conversation being rather unusual, not to -say startling; the fact of his never having set eyes upon her -before the previous night being taken into consideration. "Lor, Sir!" - -'"I scorn to flatter, my dear ma'am," said Tom Smart. "You -deserve a very admirable husband, and whoever he is, he'll be a -very lucky man." As Tom said this, his eye involuntarily wandered -from the widow's face to the comfort around him. - -'The widow looked more puzzled than ever, and made an effort -to rise. Tom gently pressed her hand, as if to detain her, and she -kept her seat. Widows, gentlemen, are not usually timorous, as -my uncle used to say. - -'"I am sure I am very much obliged to you, Sir, for your good -opinion," said the buxom landlady, half laughing; "and if ever I -marry again--" - -'"IF," said Tom Smart, looking very shrewdly out of the right- -hand corner of his left eye. "IF--" -"'Well," said the widow, laughing outright this time, "WHEN -I do, I hope I shall have as good a husband as you describe." - -'"Jinkins, to wit," said Tom. - -'"Lor, sir!" exclaimed the widow. - -'"Oh, don't tell me," said Tom, "I know him." - -'"I am sure nobody who knows him, knows anything bad of -him," said the widow, bridling up at the mysterious air with -which Tom had spoken. - -'"Hem!" said Tom Smart. - -'The widow began to think it was high time to cry, so she took -out her handkerchief, and inquired whether Tom wished to -insult her, whether he thought it like a gentleman to take away -the character of another gentleman behind his back, why, if he -had got anything to say, he didn't say it to the man, like a man, -instead of terrifying a poor weak woman in that way; and -so forth. - -'"I'll say it to him fast enough," said Tom, "only I want you -to hear it first." - -'"What is it?" inquired the widow, looking intently in Tom's -countenance. - -'"I'll astonish you," said Tom, putting his hand in his pocket. - -'"If it is, that he wants money," said the widow, "I know that -already, and you needn't trouble yourself." -'"Pooh, nonsense, that's nothing," said Tom Smart, "I want -money. 'Tain't that." - -'"Oh, dear, what can it be?" exclaimed the poor widow. - -'"Don't be frightened," said Tom Smart. He slowly drew -forth the letter, and unfolded it. "You won't scream?" said Tom -doubtfully. - -'"No, no," replied the widow; "let me see it." - -'"You won't go fainting away, or any of that nonsense?" -said Tom. - -'"No, no," returned the widow hastily. - -'"And don't run out, and blow him up," said Tom; "because -I'll do all that for you. You had better not exert yourself." - -'"Well, well," said the widow, "let me see it." - -'"I will," replied Tom Smart; and, with these words, he placed -the letter in the widow's hand. - -'Gentlemen, I have heard my uncle say, that Tom Smart said -the widow's lamentations when she heard the disclosure would -have pierced a heart of stone. Tom was certainly very tender- -hearted, but they pierced his, to the very core. The widow rocked -herself to and fro, and wrung her hands. - -'"Oh, the deception and villainy of the man!" said the widow. - -'"Frightful, my dear ma'am; but compose yourself," said -Tom Smart. - -'"Oh, I can't compose myself," shrieked the widow. "I shall -never find anyone else I can love so much!" - -'"Oh, yes you will, my dear soul," said Tom Smart, letting fall -a shower of the largest-sized tears, in pity for the widow's -misfortunes. Tom Smart, in the energy of his compassion, had -put his arm round the widow's waist; and the widow, in a passion -of grief, had clasped Tom's hand. She looked up in Tom's face, -and smiled through her tears. Tom looked down in hers, and -smiled through his. - -'I never could find out, gentlemen, whether Tom did or did not -kiss the widow at that particular moment. He used to tell my -uncle he didn't, but I have my doubts about it. Between ourselves, -gentlemen, I rather think he did. - -'At all events, Tom kicked the very tall man out at the front -door half an hour later, and married the widow a month after. -And he used to drive about the country, with the clay-coloured -gig with the red wheels, and the vixenish mare with the fast pace, -till he gave up business many years afterwards, and went to -France with his wife; and then the old house was pulled down.' - - -'Will you allow me to ask you,' said the inquisitive old gentleman, -'what became of the chair?' - -'Why,' replied the one-eyed bagman, 'it was observed to creak -very much on the day of the wedding; but Tom Smart couldn't -say for certain whether it was with pleasure or bodily infirmity. -He rather thought it was the latter, though, for it never spoke -afterwards.' - -'Everybody believed the story, didn't they?' said the dirty- -faced man, refilling his pipe. - -'Except Tom's enemies,' replied the bagman. 'Some of 'em -said Tom invented it altogether; and others said he was drunk -and fancied it, and got hold of the wrong trousers by mistake -before he went to bed. But nobody ever minded what THEY said.' - -'Tom Smart said it was all true?' - -'Every word.' - -'And your uncle?' - -'Every letter.' - -'They must have been very nice men, both of 'em,' said the -dirty-faced man. - -'Yes, they were,' replied the bagman; 'very nice men indeed!' - - - -CHAPTER XV -IN WHICH IS GIVEN A FAITHFUL PORTRAITURE OF TWO - DISTINGUISHED PERSONS; AND AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION - OF A PUBLIC BREAKFAST IN THEIR HOUSE AND GROUNDS: - WHICH PUBLIC BREAKFAST LEADS TO THE RECOGNITION - OF AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE, AND THE COMMENCEMENT OF - ANOTHER CHAPTER - - -Mr. Pickwick's conscience had been somewhat reproaching him for -his recent neglect of his friends at the Peacock; and he was just -on the point of walking forth in quest of them, on the third morning -after the election had terminated, when his faithful valet put into -his hand a card, on which was engraved the following inscription:-- - - Mrs. Leo Hunter - THE DEN. EATANSWILL. - -'Person's a-waitin',' said Sam, epigrammatically. - -'Does the person want me, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He wants you partickler; and no one else 'll do, as the devil's -private secretary said ven he fetched avay Doctor Faustus,' -replied Mr. Weller. - -'HE. Is it a gentleman?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'A wery good imitation o' one, if it ain't,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'But this is a lady's card,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Given me by a gen'l'm'n, howsoever,' replied Sam, 'and he's -a-waitin' in the drawing-room--said he'd rather wait all day, -than not see you.' - -Mr. Pickwick, on hearing this determination, descended to the -drawing-room, where sat a grave man, who started up on his -entrance, and said, with an air of profound respect:-- - -'Mr. Pickwick, I presume?' - -'The same.' - -'Allow me, Sir, the honour of grasping your hand. Permit me, -Sir, to shake it,' said the grave man. - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick. -The stranger shook the extended hand, and then continued-- - -'We have heard of your fame, sir. The noise of your antiquarian -discussion has reached the ears of Mrs. Leo Hunter-- -my wife, sir; I am Mr. Leo Hunter'--the stranger paused, as if he -expected that Mr. Pickwick would be overcome by the disclosure; -but seeing that he remained perfectly calm, proceeded-- - -'My wife, sir--Mrs. Leo Hunter--is proud to number among -her acquaintance all those who have rendered themselves celebrated -by their works and talents. Permit me, sir, to place in a conspicuous -part of the list the name of Mr. Pickwick, and his brother-members of -the club that derives its name from him.' - -'I shall be extremely happy to make the acquaintance of such -a lady, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'You SHALL make it, sir,' said the grave man. 'To-morrow -morning, sir, we give a public breakfast--a FETE CHAMPETRE--to a -great number of those who have rendered themselves celebrated -by their works and talents. Permit Mrs. Leo Hunter, Sir, to have -the gratification of seeing you at the Den.' - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mrs. Leo Hunter has many of these breakfasts, Sir,' resumed -the new acquaintance--'"feasts of reason," sir, "and flows of -soul," as somebody who wrote a sonnet to Mrs. Leo Hunter on -her breakfasts, feelingly and originally observed.' - -'Was HE celebrated for his works and talents?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He was Sir,' replied the grave man, 'all Mrs. Leo Hunter's -acquaintances are; it is her ambition, sir, to have no other -acquaintance.' - -'It is a very noble ambition,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'When I inform Mrs. Leo Hunter, that that remark fell from -your lips, sir, she will indeed be proud,' said the grave man. 'You -have a gentleman in your train, who has produced some beautiful -little poems, I think, sir.' - -'My friend Mr. Snodgrass has a great taste for poetry,' replied -Mr. Pickwick. - -'So has Mrs. Leo Hunter, Sir. She dotes on poetry, sir. She -adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, -and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, -herself, sir. You may have met with her "Ode to an Expiring -Frog," sir.' - -'I don't think I have,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You astonish me, Sir,' said Mr. Leo Hunter. 'It created an -immense sensation. It was signed with an "L" and eight stars, and -appeared originally in a lady's magazine. It commenced-- - - '"Can I view thee panting, lying - On thy stomach, without sighing; - Can I unmoved see thee dying - On a log - Expiring frog!"' -'Beautiful!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fine,' said Mr. Leo Hunter; 'so simple.' - -'Very,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'The next verse is still more touching. Shall I repeat it?' - -'If you please,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It runs thus,' said the grave man, still more gravely. - - '"Say, have fiends in shape of boys, - With wild halloo, and brutal noise, - Hunted thee from marshy joys, - With a dog, - Expiring frog!"' - -'Finely expressed,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'All point, Sir,' said Mr. Leo Hunter; 'but you shall hear -Mrs. Leo Hunter repeat it. She can do justice to it, Sir. She will -repeat it, in character, Sir, to-morrow morning.' - -'In character!' - -'As Minerva. But I forgot--it's a fancy-dress DEJEUNE.' - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Pickwick, glancing at his own figure--'I -can't possibly--' - -'Can't, sir; can't!' exclaimed Mr. Leo Hunter. 'Solomon -Lucas, the Jew in the High Street, has thousands of fancy- -dresses. Consider, Sir, how many appropriate characters are open -for your selection. Plato, Zeno, Epicurus, Pythagoras--all -founders of clubs.' - -'I know that,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I cannot put myself -in competition with those great men, I cannot presume to wear -their dresses.' - -The grave man considered deeply, for a few seconds, and then said-- - -'On reflection, Sir, I don't know whether it would not afford -Mrs. Leo Hunter greater pleasure, if her guests saw a gentleman -of your celebrity in his own costume, rather than in an assumed -one. I may venture to promise an exception in your case, sir-- -yes, I am quite certain that, on behalf of Mrs. Leo Hunter, I may -venture to do so.' - -'In that case,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I shall have great pleasure -in coming.' - -'But I waste your time, Sir,' said the grave man, as if suddenly -recollecting himself. 'I know its value, sir. I will not detain you. -I may tell Mrs. Leo Hunter, then, that she may confidently -expect you and your distinguished friends? Good-morning, -Sir, I am proud to have beheld so eminent a personage--not a -step sir; not a word.' And without giving Mr. Pickwick time to -offer remonstrance or denial, Mr. Leo Hunter stalked gravely away. - -Mr. Pickwick took up his hat, and repaired to the Peacock, -but Mr. Winkle had conveyed the intelligence of the fancy-ball -there, before him. - -'Mrs. Pott's going,' were the first words with which he saluted -his leader. - -'Is she?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'As Apollo,' replied Winkle. 'Only Pott objects to the tunic.' - -'He is right. He is quite right,' said Mr. Pickwick emphatically. - -'Yes; so she's going to wear a white satin gown with gold spangles.' - -'They'll hardly know what she's meant for; will they?' inquired -Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Of course they will,' replied Mr. Winkle indignantly. 'They'll -see her lyre, won't they?' - -'True; I forgot that,' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -'I shall go as a bandit,'interposed Mr. Tupman. - -'What!' said Mr. Pickwick, with a sudden start. - -'As a bandit,' repeated Mr. Tupman, mildly. - -'You don't mean to say,' said Mr. Pickwick, gazing with -solemn sternness at his friend--'you don't mean to say, Mr. -Tupman, that it is your intention to put yourself into a green -velvet jacket, with a two-inch tail?' - -'Such IS my intention, Sir,' replied Mr. Tupman warmly. 'And -why not, sir?' - -'Because, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably excited-- -'because you are too old, Sir.' - -'Too old!' exclaimed Mr. Tupman. - -'And if any further ground of objection be wanting,' continued -Mr. Pickwick, 'you are too fat, sir.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, his face suffused with a crimson glow, -'this is an insult.' - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone, 'it is not half the -insult to you, that your appearance in my presence in a green -velvet jacket, with a two-inch tail, would be to me.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, 'you're a fellow.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you're another!' - -Mr. Tupman advanced a step or two, and glared at Mr. -Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick returned the glare, concentrated into a -focus by means of his spectacles, and breathed a bold defiance. -Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle looked on, petrified at beholding -such a scene between two such men. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Tupman, after a short pause, speaking in a low, -deep voice, 'you have called me old.' - -'I have,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And fat.' - -'I reiterate the charge.' - -'And a fellow.' - -'So you are!' - -There was a fearful pause. - -'My attachment to your person, sir,' said Mr. Tupman, -speaking in a voice tremulous with emotion, and tucking up his -wristbands meanwhile, 'is great--very great--but upon that -person, I must take summary vengeance.' - -'Come on, Sir!' replied Mr. Pickwick. Stimulated by the -exciting nature of the dialogue, the heroic man actually threw -himself into a paralytic attitude, confidently supposed by the two -bystanders to have been intended as a posture of defence. - -'What!' exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, suddenly recovering the -power of speech, of which intense astonishment had previously -bereft him, and rushing between the two, at the imminent hazard -of receiving an application on the temple from each--'what! -Mr. Pickwick, with the eyes of the world upon you! Mr. Tupman! -who, in common with us all, derives a lustre from his -undying name! For shame, gentlemen; for shame.' - -The unwonted lines which momentary passion had ruled in -Mr. Pickwick's clear and open brow, gradually melted away, as -his young friend spoke, like the marks of a black-lead pencil -beneath the softening influence of india-rubber. His countenance -had resumed its usual benign expression, ere he concluded. - -'I have been hasty,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'very hasty. Tupman; -your hand.' - -The dark shadow passed from Mr. Tupman's face, as he -warmly grasped the hand of his friend. - -'I have been hasty, too,' said he. - -'No, no,' interrupted Mr. Pickwick, 'the fault was mine. You -will wear the green velvet jacket?' - -'No, no,' replied Mr. Tupman. - -'To oblige me, you will,' resumed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, well, I will,' said Mr. Tupman. - -It was accordingly settled that Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and -Mr. Snodgrass, should all wear fancy-dresses. Thus Mr. Pickwick -was led by the very warmth of his own good feelings to give his -consent to a proceeding from which his better judgment would -have recoiled--a more striking illustration of his amiable -character could hardly have been conceived, even if the events -recorded in these pages had been wholly imaginary. - -Mr. Leo Hunter had not exaggerated the resources of Mr. -Solomon Lucas. His wardrobe was extensive--very extensive-- -not strictly classical perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain -any one garment made precisely after the fashion of any age or -time, but everything was more or less spangled; and what can be -prettier than spangles! It may be objected that they are not -adapted to the daylight, but everybody knows that they would -glitter if there were lamps; and nothing can be clearer than that -if people give fancy-balls in the day-time, and the dresses do not -show quite as well as they would by night, the fault lies solely -with the people who give the fancy-balls, and is in no wise -chargeable on the spangles. Such was the convincing reasoning -of Mr. Solomon Lucas; and influenced by such arguments did -Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass engage -to array themselves in costumes which his taste and experience -induced him to recommend as admirably suited to the occasion. - -A carriage was hired from the Town Arms, for the accommodation -of the Pickwickians, and a chariot was ordered from -the same repository, for the purpose of conveying Mr. and Mrs. -Pott to Mrs. Leo Hunter's grounds, which Mr. Pott, as a delicate -acknowledgment of having received an invitation, had already -confidently predicted in the Eatanswill GAZETTE 'would present a -scene of varied and delicious enchantment--a bewildering -coruscation of beauty and talent--a lavish and prodigal display -of hospitality--above all, a degree of splendour softened by the -most exquisite taste; and adornment refined with perfect -harmony and the chastest good keeping--compared with -which, the fabled gorgeousness of Eastern fairyland itself would -appear to be clothed in as many dark and murky colours, as -must be the mind of the splenetic and unmanly being who could -presume to taint with the venom of his envy, the preparations -made by the virtuous and highly distinguished lady at whose -shrine this humble tribute of admiration was offered.' This -last was a piece of biting sarcasm against the INDEPENDENT, -who, in consequence of not having been invited at all, had -been, through four numbers, affecting to sneer at the whole -affair, in his very largest type, with all the adjectives in -capital letters. - -The morning came: it was a pleasant sight to behold Mr. -Tupman in full brigand's costume, with a very tight jacket, -sitting like a pincushion over his back and shoulders, the upper -portion of his legs incased in the velvet shorts, and the lower part -thereof swathed in the complicated bandages to which all -brigands are peculiarly attached. It was pleasing to see his open -and ingenuous countenance, well mustachioed and corked, -looking out from an open shirt collar; and to contemplate the -sugar-loaf hat, decorated with ribbons of all colours, which he -was compelled to carry on his knee, inasmuch as no known -conveyance with a top to it, would admit of any man's carrying -it between his head and the roof. Equally humorous and agreeable -was the appearance of Mr. Snodgrass in blue satin trunks -and cloak, white silk tights and shoes, and Grecian helmet, which -everybody knows (and if they do not, Mr. Solomon Lucas did) -to have been the regular, authentic, everyday costume of a -troubadour, from the earliest ages down to the time of their -final disappearance from the face of the earth. All this was -pleasant, but this was as nothing compared with the shouting -of the populace when the carriage drew up, behind Mr. Pott's chariot, -which chariot itself drew up at Mr. Pott's door, which door itself -opened, and displayed the great Pott accoutred as a Russian officer -of justice, with a tremendous knout in his hand--tastefully typical of -the stern and mighty power of the Eatanswill GAZETTE, and the fearful -lashings it bestowed on public offenders. - -'Bravo!' shouted Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass from the -passage, when they beheld the walking allegory. - -'Bravo!' Mr. Pickwick was heard to exclaim, from the passage. - -'Hoo-roar Pott!' shouted the populace. Amid these salutations, -Mr. Pott, smiling with that kind of bland dignity which -sufficiently testified that he felt his power, and knew how to -exert it, got into the chariot. - -Then there emerged from the house, Mrs. Pott, who would -have looked very like Apollo if she hadn't had a gown on, -conducted by Mr. Winkle, who, in his light-red coat could not -possibly have been mistaken for anything but a sportsman, if he -had not borne an equal resemblance to a general postman. Last -of all came Mr. Pickwick, whom the boys applauded as loud as -anybody, probably under the impression that his tights and -gaiters were some remnants of the dark ages; and then the two -vehicles proceeded towards Mrs. Leo Hunter's; Mr. Weller -(who was to assist in waiting) being stationed on the box of that -in which his master was seated. - -Every one of the men, women, boys, girls, and babies, who -were assembled to see the visitors in their fancy-dresses, screamed -with delight and ecstasy, when Mr. Pickwick, with the brigand -on one arm, and the troubadour on the other, walked solemnly -up the entrance. Never were such shouts heard as those which -greeted Mr. Tupman's efforts to fix the sugar-loaf hat on his -head, by way of entering the garden in style. - -The preparations were on the most delightful scale; fully -realising the prophetic Pott's anticipations about the gorgeousness -of Eastern fairyland, and at once affording a sufficient -contradiction to the malignant statements of the reptile INDEPENDENT. -The grounds were more than an acre and a quarter in -extent, and they were filled with people! Never was such a blaze -of beauty, and fashion, and literature. There was the young lady -who 'did' the poetry in the Eatanswill GAZETTE, in the garb of a -sultana, leaning upon the arm of the young gentleman who 'did' -the review department, and who was appropriately habited in a -field-marshal's uniform--the boots excepted. There were hosts of -these geniuses, and any reasonable person would have thought it -honour enough to meet them. But more than these, there were -half a dozen lions from London--authors, real authors, who had -written whole books, and printed them afterwards--and here -you might see 'em, walking about, like ordinary men, smiling, -and talking--aye, and talking pretty considerable nonsense too, -no doubt with the benign intention of rendering themselves -intelligible to the common people about them. Moreover, there -was a band of music in pasteboard caps; four something-ean -singers in the costume of their country, and a dozen hired -waiters in the costume of THEIR country--and very dirty costume -too. And above all, there was Mrs. Leo Hunter in the character -of Minerva, receiving the company, and overflowing with pride -and gratification at the notion of having called such distinguished -individuals together. - -'Mr. Pickwick, ma'am,' said a servant, as that gentleman -approached the presiding goddess, with his hat in his hand, and -the brigand and troubadour on either arm. - -'What! Where!' exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunter, starting up, in -an affected rapture of surprise. - -'Here,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Is it possible that I have really the gratification of beholding -Mr. Pickwick himself!' ejaculated Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'No other, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick, bowing very low. -'Permit me to introduce my friends--Mr. Tupman--Mr. Winkle ---Mr. Snodgrass--to the authoress of "The Expiring Frog."' -Very few people but those who have tried it, know what a -difficult process it is to bow in green velvet smalls, and a tight -jacket, and high-crowned hat; or in blue satin trunks and white -silks, or knee-cords and top-boots that were never made for -the wearer, and have been fixed upon him without the -remotest reference to the comparative dimensions of himself and -the suit. Never were such distortions as Mr. Tupman's frame -underwent in his efforts to appear easy and graceful--never -was such ingenious posturing, as his fancy-dressed friends exhibited. - -'Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'I must make you -promise not to stir from my side the whole day. There are -hundreds of people here, that I must positively introduce you to.' - -'You are very kind, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'In the first place, here are my little girls; I had almost -forgotten them,' said Minerva, carelessly pointing towards a couple -of full-grown young ladies, of whom one might be about twenty, -and the other a year or two older, and who were dressed in -very juvenile costumes--whether to make them look young, -or their mamma younger, Mr. Pickwick does not distinctly -inform us. - -'They are very beautiful,' said Mr. Pickwick, as the juveniles -turned away, after being presented. - -'They are very like their mamma, Sir,' said Mr. Pott, majestically. - -'Oh, you naughty man,' exclaimed Mrs. Leo Hunter, playfully -tapping the editor's arm with her fan (Minerva with a fan!). - -'Why now, my dear Mrs. Hunter,' said Mr. Pott, who was -trumpeter in ordinary at the Den, 'you know that when your -picture was in the exhibition of the Royal Academy, last year, -everybody inquired whether it was intended for you, or your -youngest daughter; for you were so much alike that there was no -telling the difference between you.' - -'Well, and if they did, why need you repeat it, before strangers?' -said Mrs. Leo Hunter, bestowing another tap on the slumbering -lion of the Eatanswill GAZETTE. - -'Count, count,' screamed Mrs. Leo Hunter to a well-whiskered -individual in a foreign uniform, who was passing by. - -'Ah! you want me?' said the count, turning back. - -'I want to introduce two very clever people to each other,' said -Mrs. Leo Hunter. 'Mr. Pickwick, I have great pleasure in -introducing you to Count Smorltork.' She added in a hurried -whisper to Mr. Pickwick--'The famous foreigner--gathering -materials for his great work on England--hem!--Count Smorltork, -Mr. Pickwick.' -Mr. Pickwick saluted the count with all the reverence due to so -great a man, and the count drew forth a set of tablets. - -'What you say, Mrs. Hunt?' inquired the count, smiling -graciously on the gratified Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'Pig Vig or Big -Vig--what you call--lawyer--eh? I see--that is it. Big Vig'-- -and the count was proceeding to enter Mr. Pickwick in his -tablets, as a gentleman of the long robe, who derived his name -from the profession to which he belonged, when Mrs. Leo -Hunter interposed. - -'No, no, count,' said the lady, 'Pick-wick.' - -'Ah, ah, I see,' replied the count. 'Peek--christian name; -Weeks--surname; good, ver good. Peek Weeks. How you do, Weeks?' - -'Quite well, I thank you,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with all his -usual affability. 'Have you been long in England?' - -'Long--ver long time--fortnight--more.' - -'Do you stay here long?' - -'One week.' - -'You will have enough to do,' said Mr. Pickwick smiling, 'to -gather all the materials you want in that time.' - -'Eh, they are gathered,' said the count. - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'They are here,' added the count, tapping his forehead -significantly. 'Large book at home--full of notes--music, -picture, science, potry, poltic; all tings.' - -'The word politics, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'comprises in -itself, a difficult study of no inconsiderable magnitude.' - -'Ah!' said the count, drawing out the tablets again, 'ver good ---fine words to begin a chapter. Chapter forty-seven. Poltics. -The word poltic surprises by himself--' And down went Mr. -Pickwick's remark, in Count Smorltork's tablets, with such -variations and additions as the count's exuberant fancy suggested, -or his imperfect knowledge of the language occasioned. - -'Count,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter. -'Mrs. Hunt,' replied the count. - -'This is Mr. Snodgrass, a friend of Mr. Pickwick's, and a poet.' - -'Stop,' exclaimed the count, bringing out the tablets once -more. 'Head, potry--chapter, literary friends--name, Snowgrass; -ver good. Introduced to Snowgrass--great poet, friend of Peek -Weeks--by Mrs. Hunt, which wrote other sweet poem--what is -that name?--Fog--Perspiring Fog--ver good--ver good -indeed.' And the count put up his tablets, and with sundry bows -and acknowledgments walked away, thoroughly satisfied that he -had made the most important and valuable additions to his stock -of information. - -'Wonderful man, Count Smorltork,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'Sound philosopher,' said Mr. Pott. - -'Clear-headed, strong-minded person,' added Mr. Snodgrass. - -A chorus of bystanders took up the shout of Count Smorltork's -praise, shook their heads sagely, and unanimously cried, 'Very!' - -As the enthusiasm in Count Smorltork's favour ran very high, -his praises might have been sung until the end of the festivities, -if the four something-ean singers had not ranged themselves in -front of a small apple-tree, to look picturesque, and commenced -singing their national songs, which appeared by no means -difficult of execution, inasmuch as the grand secret seemed to be, -that three of the something-ean singers should grunt, while the -fourth howled. This interesting performance having concluded -amidst the loud plaudits of the whole company, a boy forthwith -proceeded to entangle himself with the rails of a chair, and to -jump over it, and crawl under it, and fall down with it, and do -everything but sit upon it, and then to make a cravat of his legs, -and tie them round his neck, and then to illustrate the ease with -which a human being can be made to look like a magnified toad ---all which feats yielded high delight and satisfaction to the -assembled spectators. After which, the voice of Mrs. Pott was -heard to chirp faintly forth, something which courtesy interpreted -into a song, which was all very classical, and strictly in -character, because Apollo was himself a composer, and -composers can very seldom sing their own music or anybody else's, -either. This was succeeded by Mrs. Leo Hunter's recitation of her -far-famed 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' which was encored once, -and would have been encored twice, if the major part of the -guests, who thought it was high time to get something to eat, had -not said that it was perfectly shameful to take advantage of -Mrs. Hunter's good nature. So although Mrs. Leo Hunter -professed her perfect willingness to recite the ode again, her kind -and considerate friends wouldn't hear of it on any account; and -the refreshment room being thrown open, all the people who had -ever been there before, scrambled in with all possible despatch-- -Mrs. Leo Hunter's usual course of proceedings being, to issue -cards for a hundred, and breakfast for fifty, or in other words to -feed only the very particular lions, and let the smaller animals -take care of themselves. - -'Where is Mr. Pott?' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, as she placed the -aforesaid lions around her. - -'Here I am,' said the editor, from the remotest end of the -room; far beyond all hope of food, unless something was done -for him by the hostess. - -'Won't you come up here?' - -'Oh, pray don't mind him,' said Mrs. Pott, in the most -obliging voice--'you give yourself a great deal of unnecessary -trouble, Mrs. Hunter. You'll do very well there, won't you--dear?' - -'Certainly--love,' replied the unhappy Pott, with a grim smile. -Alas for the knout! The nervous arm that wielded it, with such a -gigantic force on public characters, was paralysed beneath the -glance of the imperious Mrs. Pott. - -Mrs. Leo Hunter looked round her in triumph. Count Smorltork -was busily engaged in taking notes of the contents of the -dishes; Mr. Tupman was doing the honours of the lobster salad -to several lionesses, with a degree of grace which no brigand ever -exhibited before; Mr. Snodgrass having cut out the young gentleman -who cut up the books for the Eatanswill GAZETTE, was -engaged in an impassioned argument with the young lady who -did the poetry; and Mr. Pickwick was making himself universally -agreeable. Nothing seemed wanting to render the select circle -complete, when Mr. Leo Hunter--whose department on these -occasions, was to stand about in doorways, and talk to the less -important people--suddenly called out-- -'My dear; here's Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall.' - -'Oh dear,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter, 'how anxiously I have been -expecting him. Pray make room, to let Mr. Fitz-Marshall pass. -Tell Mr. Fitz-Marshall, my dear, to come up to me directly, to -be scolded for coming so late.' - -'Coming, my dear ma'am,' cried a voice, 'as quick as I can-- -crowds of people--full room--hard work--very.' - -Mr. Pickwick's knife and fork fell from his hand. He stared -across the table at Mr. Tupman, who had dropped his knife and -fork, and was looking as if he were about to sink into the ground -without further notice. - -'Ah!' cried the voice, as its owner pushed his way among the -last five-and-twenty Turks, officers, cavaliers, and Charles the -Seconds, that remained between him and the table, 'regular -mangle--Baker's patent--not a crease in my coat, after all this -squeezing--might have "got up my linen" as I came along-- -ha! ha! not a bad idea, that--queer thing to have it mangled -when it's upon one, though--trying process--very.' - -With these broken words, a young man dressed as a naval -officer made his way up to the table, and presented to the -astonished Pickwickians the identical form and features of Mr. -Alfred Jingle. -The offender had barely time to take Mrs. Leo Hunter's -proffered hand, when his eyes encountered the indignant orbs of -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hollo!' said Jingle. 'Quite forgot--no directions to postillion ---give 'em at once--back in a minute.' - -'The servant, or Mr. Hunter will do it in a moment, Mr. -Fitz-Marshall,' said Mrs. Leo Hunter. - -'No, no--I'll do it--shan't be long--back in no time,' replied -Jingle. With these words he disappeared among the crowd. - -'Will you allow me to ask you, ma'am,' said the excited Mr. -Pickwick, rising from his seat, 'who that young man is, and -where he resides?' - -'He is a gentleman of fortune, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mrs. Leo -Hunter, 'to whom I very much want to introduce you. The count -will be delighted with him.' - -'Yes, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'His residence--' - -'Is at present at the Angel at Bury.' - -'At Bury?' - -'At Bury St. Edmunds, not many miles from here. But dear -me, Mr. Pickwick, you are not going to leave us; surely Mr. -Pickwick you cannot think of going so soon?' - -But long before Mrs. Leo Hunter had finished speaking, Mr. -Pickwick had plunged through the throng, and reached the -garden, whither he was shortly afterwards joined by Mr. Tupman, -who had followed his friend closely. - -'It's of no use,' said Mr. Tupman. 'He has gone.' - -'I know it,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I will follow him.' - -'Follow him! Where?' inquired Mr. Tupman. - -'To the Angel at Bury,' replied Mr. Pickwick, speaking very -quickly. 'How do we know whom he is deceiving there? He -deceived a worthy man once, and we were the innocent cause. He -shall not do it again, if I can help it; I'll expose him! Sam! -Where's my servant?' - -'Here you are, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, emerging from a -sequestered spot, where he had been engaged in discussing a -bottle of Madeira, which he had abstracted from the breakfast- -table an hour or two before. 'Here's your servant, Sir. Proud o' -the title, as the living skellinton said, ven they show'd him.' - -'Follow me instantly,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Tupman, if I stay at -Bury, you can join me there, when I write. Till then, good-bye!' - -Remonstrances were useless. Mr. Pickwick was roused, and his -mind was made up. Mr. Tupman returned to his companions; -and in another hour had drowned all present recollection of Mr. -Alfred Jingle, or Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall, in an exhilarating -quadrille and a bottle of champagne. By that time, Mr. Pickwick -and Sam Weller, perched on the outside of a stage-coach, were -every succeeding minute placing a less and less distance between -themselves and the good old town of Bury St. Edmunds. - - - -CHAPTER XVI -TOO FULL OF ADVENTURE TO BE BRIEFLY DESCRIBED - - -There is no month in the whole year in which nature wears a more -beautiful appearance than in the month of August. Spring has many -beauties, and May is a fresh and blooming month, but the charms -of this time of year are enhanced by their contrast with the -winter season. August has no such advantage. It comes when we -remember nothing but clear skies, green fields, and sweet-smelling -flowers--when the recollection of snow, and ice, and bleak winds, -has faded from our minds as completely as they have disappeared -from the earth--and yet what a pleasant time it is! Orchards and -cornfields ring with the hum of labour; trees bend beneath the -thick clusters of rich fruit which bow their branches to the -ground; and the corn, piled in graceful sheaves, or waving in -every light breath that sweeps above it, as if it wooed the -sickle, tinges the landscape with a golden hue. A mellow softness -appears to hang over the whole earth; the influence of the season -seems to extend itself to the very wagon, whose slow motion across -the well-reaped field is perceptible only to the eye, but strikes -with no harsh sound upon the ear. - -As the coach rolls swiftly past the fields and orchards which -skirt the road, groups of women and children, piling the fruit in -sieves, or gathering the scattered ears of corn, pause for an -instant from their labour, and shading the sun-burned face with -a still browner hand, gaze upon the passengers with curious eyes, -while some stout urchin, too small to work, but too mischievous -to be left at home, scrambles over the side of the basket in which -he has been deposited for security, and kicks and screams with -delight. The reaper stops in his work, and stands with folded -arms, looking at the vehicle as it whirls past; and the rough cart- -horses bestow a sleepy glance upon the smart coach team, which -says as plainly as a horse's glance can, 'It's all very fine to look -at, but slow going, over a heavy field, is better than warm work -like that, upon a dusty road, after all.' You cast a look behind -you, as you turn a corner of the road. The women and children -have resumed their labour; the reaper once more stoops to his -work; the cart-horses have moved on; and all are again in motion. -The influence of a scene like this, was not lost upon the well- -regulated mind of Mr. Pickwick. Intent upon the resolution he -had formed, of exposing the real character of the nefarious -Jingle, in any quarter in which he might be pursuing his fraudulent -designs, he sat at first taciturn and contemplative, brooding -over the means by which his purpose could be best attained. By -degrees his attention grew more and more attracted by the -objects around him; and at last he derived as much enjoyment -from the ride, as if it had been undertaken for the pleasantest -reason in the world. - -'Delightful prospect, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Beats the chimbley-pots, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, touching -his hat. - -'I suppose you have hardly seen anything but chimney-pots -and bricks and mortar all your life, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. - -'I worn't always a boots, sir,' said Mr. Weller, with a shake of -the head. 'I wos a vaginer's boy, once.' - -'When was that?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'When I wos first pitched neck and crop into the world, to play -at leap-frog with its troubles,' replied Sam. 'I wos a carrier's boy -at startin'; then a vaginer's, then a helper, then a boots. Now I'm -a gen'l'm'n's servant. I shall be a gen'l'm'n myself one of these -days, perhaps, with a pipe in my mouth, and a summer-house in -the back-garden. Who knows? I shouldn't be surprised for one.' - -'You are quite a philosopher, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It runs in the family, I b'lieve, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'My -father's wery much in that line now. If my mother-in-law blows -him up, he whistles. She flies in a passion, and breaks his pipe; -he steps out, and gets another. Then she screams wery loud, and -falls into 'sterics; and he smokes wery comfortably till she comes -to agin. That's philosophy, Sir, ain't it?' - -'A very good substitute for it, at all events,' replied Mr. -Pickwick, laughing. 'It must have been of great service to you, in -the course of your rambling life, Sam.' - -'Service, sir,' exclaimed Sam. 'You may say that. Arter I run -away from the carrier, and afore I took up with the vaginer, I had -unfurnished lodgin's for a fortnight.' - -'Unfurnished lodgings?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes--the dry arches of Waterloo Bridge. Fine sleeping-place ---vithin ten minutes' walk of all the public offices--only if there is -any objection to it, it is that the sitivation's rayther too airy. I see -some queer sights there.' -'Ah, I suppose you did,' said Mr. Pickwick, with an air of -considerable interest. - -'Sights, sir,' resumed Mr. Weller, 'as 'ud penetrate your -benevolent heart, and come out on the other side. You don't see -the reg'lar wagrants there; trust 'em, they knows better than that. -Young beggars, male and female, as hasn't made a rise in their -profession, takes up their quarters there sometimes; but it's -generally the worn-out, starving, houseless creeturs as roll -themselves in the dark corners o' them lonesome places--poor -creeturs as ain't up to the twopenny rope.' - -'And pray, Sam, what is the twopenny rope?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'The twopenny rope, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'is just a cheap -lodgin' house, where the beds is twopence a night.' - -'What do they call a bed a rope for?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless your innocence, sir, that ain't it,' replied Sam. 'Ven the -lady and gen'l'm'n as keeps the hot-el first begun business, they -used to make the beds on the floor; but this wouldn't do at no -price, 'cos instead o' taking a moderate twopenn'orth o' sleep, -the lodgers used to lie there half the day. So now they has two -ropes, 'bout six foot apart, and three from the floor, which goes -right down the room; and the beds are made of slips of coarse -sacking, stretched across 'em.' - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well,' said Mr. Weller, 'the adwantage o' the plan's hobvious. -At six o'clock every mornin' they let's go the ropes at one end, -and down falls the lodgers. Consequence is, that being thoroughly -waked, they get up wery quietly, and walk away! Beg your -pardon, sir,' said Sam, suddenly breaking off in his loquacious -discourse. 'Is this Bury St. Edmunds?' - -'It is,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -The coach rattled through the well-paved streets of a handsome -little town, of thriving and cleanly appearance, and stopped -before a large inn situated in a wide open street, nearly facing the -old abbey. - -'And this,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking up. 'Is the Angel! We -alight here, Sam. But some caution is necessary. Order a private -room, and do not mention my name. You understand.' - -'Right as a trivet, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, with a wink of -intelligence; and having dragged Mr. Pickwick's portmanteau -from the hind boot, into which it had been hastily thrown when -they joined the coach at Eatanswill, Mr. Weller disappeared on -his errand. A private room was speedily engaged; and into it -Mr. Pickwick was ushered without delay. -'Now, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'the first thing to be done is -to--' -'Order dinner, Sir,' interposed Mr. Weller. 'It's wery late, sir." - -'Ah, so it is,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at his watch. 'You are -right, Sam.' - -'And if I might adwise, Sir,' added Mr. Weller, 'I'd just have a -good night's rest arterwards, and not begin inquiring arter this -here deep 'un till the mornin'. There's nothin' so refreshen' as -sleep, sir, as the servant girl said afore she drank the egg-cupful -of laudanum.' - -'I think you are right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'But I must -first ascertain that he is in the house, and not likely to go away.' - -'Leave that to me, Sir,' said Sam. 'Let me order you a snug -little dinner, and make my inquiries below while it's a-getting -ready; I could worm ev'ry secret out O' the boots's heart, in five -minutes, Sir.' -'Do so,' said Mr. Pickwick; and Mr. Weller at once retired. - -In half an hour, Mr. Pickwick was seated at a very satisfactory -dinner; and in three-quarters Mr. Weller returned with the -intelligence that Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall had ordered his -private room to be retained for him, until further notice. He was -going to spend the evening at some private house in the neighbourhood, -had ordered the boots to sit up until his return, and -had taken his servant with him. - -'Now, sir,' argued Mr. Weller, when he had concluded his -report, 'if I can get a talk with this here servant in the mornin', -he'll tell me all his master's concerns.' - -'How do you know that?' interposed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless your heart, sir, servants always do,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Oh, ah, I forgot that,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Well.' - -'Then you can arrange what's best to be done, sir, and we can -act accordingly.' - -As it appeared that this was the best arrangement that could -be made, it was finally agreed upon. Mr. Weller, by his master's -permission, retired to spend the evening in his own way; and was -shortly afterwards elected, by the unanimous voice of the -assembled company, into the taproom chair, in which honourable -post he acquitted himself so much to the satisfaction of the -gentlemen-frequenters, that their roars of laughter and approbation -penetrated to Mr. Pickwick's bedroom, and shortened the -term of his natural rest by at least three hours. - -Early on the ensuing morning, Mr. Weller was dispelling all -the feverish remains of the previous evening's conviviality, -through the instrumentality of a halfpenny shower-bath (having -induced a young gentleman attached to the stable department, by -the offer of that coin, to pump over his head and face, until he -was perfectly restored), when he was attracted by the appearance -of a young fellow in mulberry-coloured livery, who was sitting on -a bench in the yard, reading what appeared to be a hymn-book, -with an air of deep abstraction, but who occasionally stole a -glance at the individual under the pump, as if he took some -interest in his proceedings, nevertheless. - -'You're a rum 'un to look at, you are!' thought Mr. Weller, the -first time his eyes encountered the glance of the stranger in the -mulberry suit, who had a large, sallow, ugly face, very sunken -eyes, and a gigantic head, from which depended a quantity of -lank black hair. 'You're a rum 'un!' thought Mr. Weller; and -thinking this, he went on washing himself, and thought no more -about him. - -Still the man kept glancing from his hymn-book to Sam, and -from Sam to his hymn-book, as if he wanted to open a conversation. -So at last, Sam, by way of giving him an opportunity, said -with a familiar nod-- - -'How are you, governor?' - -'I am happy to say, I am pretty well, Sir,' said the man, -speaking with great deliberation, and closing the book. 'I hope -you are the same, Sir?' - -'Why, if I felt less like a walking brandy-bottle I shouldn't be -quite so staggery this mornin',' replied Sam. 'Are you stoppin' in -this house, old 'un?' - -The mulberry man replied in the affirmative. - -'How was it you worn't one of us, last night?' inquired Sam, -scrubbing his face with the towel. 'You seem one of the jolly sort ---looks as conwivial as a live trout in a lime basket,' added Mr. -Weller, in an undertone. - -'I was out last night with my master,' replied the stranger. - -'What's his name?' inquired Mr. Weller, colouring up very red -with sudden excitement, and the friction of the towel combined. - -'Fitz-Marshall,' said the mulberry man. - -'Give us your hand,' said Mr. Weller, advancing; 'I should like -to know you. I like your appearance, old fellow.' - -'Well, that is very strange,' said the mulberry man, with great -simplicity of manner. 'I like yours so much, that I wanted to -speak to you, from the very first moment I saw you under the pump.' -'Did you though?' - -'Upon my word. Now, isn't that curious?' - -'Wery sing'ler,' said Sam, inwardly congratulating himself -upon the softness of the stranger. 'What's your name, my patriarch?' - -'Job.' - -'And a wery good name it is; only one I know that ain't got a -nickname to it. What's the other name?' - -'Trotter,' said the stranger. 'What is yours?' - -Sam bore in mind his master's caution, and replied-- - -'My name's Walker; my master's name's Wilkins. Will you -take a drop o' somethin' this mornin', Mr. Trotter?' - -Mr. Trotter acquiesced in this agreeable proposal; and having -deposited his book in his coat pocket, accompanied Mr. Weller -to the tap, where they were soon occupied in discussing an -exhilarating compound, formed by mixing together, in a pewter -vessel, certain quantities of British Hollands and the fragrant -essence of the clove. - -'And what sort of a place have you got?' inquired Sam, as he -filled his companion's glass, for the second time. - -'Bad,' said Job, smacking his lips, 'very bad.' - -'You don't mean that?' said Sam. - -'I do, indeed. Worse than that, my master's going to be married.' - -'No.' - -'Yes; and worse than that, too, he's going to run away with an -immense rich heiress, from boarding-school.' - -'What a dragon!' said Sam, refilling his companion's glass. -'It's some boarding-school in this town, I suppose, ain't it?' -Now, although this question was put in the most careless tone -imaginable, Mr. Job Trotter plainly showed by gestures that he -perceived his new friend's anxiety to draw forth an answer to it. -He emptied his glass, looked mysteriously at his companion, -winked both of his small eyes, one after the other, and finally -made a motion with his arm, as if he were working an imaginary -pump-handle; thereby intimating that he (Mr. Trotter) considered -himself as undergoing the process of being pumped by Mr. -Samuel Weller. - -'No, no,' said Mr. Trotter, in conclusion, 'that's not to be told -to everybody. That is a secret--a great secret, Mr. Walker.' -As the mulberry man said this, he turned his glass upside -down, by way of reminding his companion that he had nothing -left wherewith to slake his thirst. Sam observed the hint; and -feeling the delicate manner in which it was conveyed, ordered the -pewter vessel to be refilled, whereat the small eyes of the mulberry -man glistened. - -'And so it's a secret?' said Sam. - -'I should rather suspect it was,' said the mulberry man, -sipping his liquor, with a complacent face. - -'i suppose your mas'r's wery rich?' said Sam. - -Mr. Trotter smiled, and holding his glass in his left hand, gave -four distinct slaps on the pockets of his mulberry indescribables -with his right, as if to intimate that his master might have done -the same without alarming anybody much by the chinking of coin. - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'that's the game, is it?' - -The mulberry man nodded significantly. - -'Well, and don't you think, old feller,' remonstrated Mr. -Weller, 'that if you let your master take in this here young lady, -you're a precious rascal?' - -'I know that,' said Job Trotter, turning upon his companion a -countenance of deep contrition, and groaning slightly, 'I know -that, and that's what it is that preys upon my mind. But what am -I to do?' - -'Do!' said Sam; 'di-wulge to the missis, and give up your master.' - -'Who'd believe me?' replied Job Trotter. 'The young lady's -considered the very picture of innocence and discretion. She'd -deny it, and so would my master. Who'd believe me? I should lose -my place, and get indicted for a conspiracy, or some such thing; -that's all I should take by my motion.' - -'There's somethin' in that,' said Sam, ruminating; 'there's -somethin' in that.' - -'If I knew any respectable gentleman who would take the -matter up,' continued Mr. Trotter. 'I might have some hope of -preventing the elopement; but there's the same difficulty, Mr. -Walker, just the same. I know no gentleman in this strange place; -and ten to one if I did, whether he would believe my story.' - -'Come this way,' said Sam, suddenly jumping up, and grasping -the mulberry man by the arm. 'My mas'r's the man you want, I -see.' And after a slight resistance on the part of Job Trotter, Sam -led his newly-found friend to the apartment of Mr. Pickwick, to -whom he presented him, together with a brief summary of the -dialogue we have just repeated. - -'I am very sorry to betray my master, sir,' said Job Trotter, -applying to his eyes a pink checked pocket-handkerchief about -six inches square. - -'The feeling does you a great deal of honour,' replied Mr. -Pickwick; 'but it is your duty, nevertheless.' - -'I know it is my duty, Sir,' replied Job, with great emotion. -'We should all try to discharge our duty, Sir, and I humbly -endeavour to discharge mine, Sir; but it is a hard trial to betray a -master, Sir, whose clothes you wear, and whose bread you eat, -even though he is a scoundrel, Sir.' - -'You are a very good fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, much -affected; 'an honest fellow.' - -'Come, come,' interposed Sam, who had witnessed Mr. -Trotter's tears with considerable impatience, 'blow this 'ere -water-cart bis'ness. It won't do no good, this won't.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick reproachfully. 'I am sorry to find -that you have so little respect for this young man's feelings.' - -'His feelin's is all wery well, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'and as -they're so wery fine, and it's a pity he should lose 'em, I think -he'd better keep 'em in his own buzzum, than let 'em ewaporate -in hot water, 'specially as they do no good. Tears never yet -wound up a clock, or worked a steam ingin'. The next time you -go out to a smoking party, young fellow, fill your pipe with that -'ere reflection; and for the present just put that bit of pink -gingham into your pocket. 'Tain't so handsome that you need -keep waving it about, as if you was a tight-rope dancer.' - -'My man is in the right,' said Mr. Pickwick, accosting Job, -'although his mode of expressing his opinion is somewhat -homely, and occasionally incomprehensible.' - -'He is, sir, very right,' said Mr. Trotter, 'and I will give way -no longer.' -'Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Now, where is this -boarding-school?' - -'It is a large, old, red brick house, just outside the town, Sir,' -replied Job Trotter. - -'And when,' said Mr. Pickwick--'when is this villainous design -to be carried into execution--when is this elopement to -take place?' - -'To-night, Sir,' replied Job. - -'To-night!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. -'This very night, sir,' replied Job Trotter. 'That is what alarms -me so much.' - -'Instant measures must be taken,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I will see -the lady who keeps the establishment immediately.' - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said Job, 'but that course of proceeding -will never do.' - -'Why not?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'My master, sir, is a very artful man.' - -'I know he is,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And he has so wound himself round the old lady's heart, Sir,' -resumed Job, 'that she would believe nothing to his prejudice, if -you went down on your bare knees, and swore it; especially as -you have no proof but the word of a servant, who, for anything -she knows (and my master would be sure to say so), was discharged -for some fault, and does this in revenge.' - -'What had better be done, then?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Nothing but taking him in the very act of eloping, will -convince the old lady, sir,' replied Job. - -'All them old cats WILL run their heads agin milestones,' -observed Mr. Weller, in a parenthesis. - -'But this taking him in the very act of elopement, would be a -very difficult thing to accomplish, I fear,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I don't know, sir,' said Mr. Trotter, after a few moments' -reflection. 'I think it might be very easily done.' - -'How?' was Mr. Pickwick's inquiry. - -'Why,' replied Mr. Trotter, 'my master and I, being in the -confidence of the two servants, will be secreted in the kitchen at -ten o'clock. When the family have retired to rest, we shall come -out of the kitchen, and the young lady out of her bedroom. A -post-chaise will be waiting, and away we go.' - -'Well?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were in waiting in -the garden behind, alone--' - -'Alone,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why alone?' - -'I thought it very natural,' replied Job, 'that the old lady -wouldn't like such an unpleasant discovery to be made before -more persons than can possibly be helped. The young lady, too, -sir--consider her feelings.' - -'You are very right,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'The consideration -evinces your delicacy of feeling. Go on; you are very right.' - -'Well, sir, I have been thinking that if you were waiting in the -back garden alone, and I was to let you in, at the door which -opens into it, from the end of the passage, at exactly half-past -eleven o'clock, you would be just in the very moment of time to -assist me in frustrating the designs of this bad man, by whom I -have been unfortunately ensnared.' Here Mr. Trotter sighed deeply. - -'Don't distress yourself on that account,' said Mr. Pickwick; -'if he had one grain of the delicacy of feeling which distinguishes -you, humble as your station is, I should have some hopes of him.' - -Job Trotter bowed low; and in spite of Mr. Weller's previous -remonstrance, the tears again rose to his eyes. - -'I never see such a feller,' said Sam, 'Blessed if I don't think -he's got a main in his head as is always turned on.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great severity, 'hold -your tongue.' - -'Wery well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I don't like this plan,' said Mr. Pickwick, after deep meditation. -'Why cannot I communicate with the young lady's friends?' - -'Because they live one hundred miles from here, sir,' responded -Job Trotter. - -'That's a clincher,' said Mr. Weller, aside. - -'Then this garden,' resumed Mr. Pickwick. 'How am I to get -into it?' - -'The wall is very low, sir, and your servant will give you a -leg up.' -'My servant will give me a leg up,' repeated Mr. Pickwick -mechanically. 'You will be sure to be near this door that you -speak of?' - -'You cannot mistake it, Sir; it's the only one that opens into -the garden. Tap at it when you hear the clock strike, and I will -open it instantly.' - -'I don't like the plan,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I see no -other, and as the happiness of this young lady's whole life is at -stake, I adopt it. I shall be sure to be there.' - -Thus, for the second time, did Mr. Pickwick's innate good- -feeling involve him in an enterprise from which he would most -willingly have stood aloof. - -'What is the name of the house?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Westgate House, Sir. You turn a little to the right when you -get to the end of the town; it stands by itself, some little distance -off the high road, with the name on a brass plate on the gate.' - -'I know it,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I observed it once before, when -I was in this town. You may depend upon me.' - -Mr. Trotter made another bow, and turned to depart, when -Mr. Pickwick thrust a guinea into his hand. - -'You're a fine fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I admire your -goodness of heart. No thanks. Remember--eleven o'clock.' - -'There is no fear of my forgetting it, sir,' replied Job Trotter. -With these words he left the room, followed by Sam. - -'I say,' said the latter, 'not a bad notion that 'ere crying. I'd -cry like a rain-water spout in a shower on such good terms. -How do you do it?' - -'It comes from the heart, Mr. Walker,' replied Job solemnly. -'Good-morning, sir.' - -'You're a soft customer, you are; we've got it all out o' you, -anyhow,' thought Mr. Weller, as Job walked away. - -We cannot state the precise nature of the thoughts which -passed through Mr. Trotter's mind, because we don't know what -they were. - -The day wore on, evening came, and at a little before ten -o'clock Sam Weller reported that Mr. Jingle and Job had gone -out together, that their luggage was packed up, and that they had -ordered a chaise. The plot was evidently in execution, as Mr. -Trotter had foretold. - -Half-past ten o'clock arrived, and it was time for Mr. Pickwick -to issue forth on his delicate errand. Resisting Sam's tender of his -greatcoat, in order that he might have no encumbrance in scaling -the wall, he set forth, followed by his attendant. - -There was a bright moon, but it was behind the clouds. it was -a fine dry night, but it was most uncommonly dark. Paths, -hedges, fields, houses, and trees, were enveloped in one deep -shade. The atmosphere was hot and sultry, the summer lightning -quivered faintly on the verge of the horizon, and was the only -sight that varied the dull gloom in which everything was wrapped ---sound there was none, except the distant barking of some -restless house-dog. - -They found the house, read the brass plate, walked round the -wall, and stopped at that portion of it which divided them from -the bottom of the garden. - -'You will return to the inn, Sam, when you have assisted me -over,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery well, Sir.' - -'And you will sit up, till I return.' - -'Cert'nly, Sir.' - -'Take hold of my leg; and, when I say "Over," raise me gently.' - -'All right, sir.' - -Having settled these preliminaries, Mr. Pickwick grasped the -top of the wall, and gave the word 'Over,' which was literally -obeyed. Whether his body partook in some degree of the elasticity -of his mind, or whether Mr. Weller's notions of a gentle push -were of a somewhat rougher description than Mr. Pickwick's, the -immediate effect of his assistance was to jerk that immortal -gentleman completely over the wall on to the bed beneath, -where, after crushing three gooseberry-bushes and a rose-tree, he -finally alighted at full length. - -'You ha'n't hurt yourself, I hope, Sir?' said Sam, in a loud -whisper, as soon as he had recovered from the surprise consequent -upon the mysterious disappearance of his master. - -'I have not hurt MYSELF, Sam, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -from the other side of the wall, 'but I rather think that YOU have -hurt me.' - -'I hope not, Sir,' said Sam. - -'Never mind,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising, 'it's nothing but a few -scratches. Go away, or we shall be overheard.' - -'Good-bye, Sir.' - -'Good-bye.' - -With stealthy steps Sam Weller departed, leaving Mr. Pickwick -alone in the garden. - -Lights occasionally appeared in the different windows of the -house, or glanced from the staircases, as if the inmates were -retiring to rest. Not caring to go too near the door, until the -appointed time, Mr. Pickwick crouched into an angle of the wall, -and awaited its arrival. - -It was a situation which might well have depressed the spirits -of many a man. Mr. Pickwick, however, felt neither depression -nor misgiving. He knew that his purpose was in the main a good -one, and he placed implicit reliance on the high-minded Job. it -was dull, certainly; not to say dreary; but a contemplative man -can always employ himself in meditation. Mr. Pickwick had -meditated himself into a doze, when he was roused by the chimes -of the neighbouring church ringing out the hour--half-past eleven. - -'That's the time,' thought Mr. Pickwick, getting cautiously on -his feet. He looked up at the house. The lights had disappeared, -and the shutters were closed--all in bed, no doubt. He walked -on tiptoe to the door, and gave a gentle tap. Two or three -minutes passing without any reply, he gave another tap rather -louder, and then another rather louder than that. - -At length the sound of feet was audible upon the stairs, and -then the light of a candle shone through the keyhole of the door. -There was a good deal of unchaining and unbolting, and the door -was slowly opened. - -Now the door opened outwards; and as the door opened wider -and wider, Mr. Pickwick receded behind it, more and more. What -was his astonishment when he just peeped out, by way of caution, -to see that the person who had opened it was--not Job Trotter, -but a servant-girl with a candle in her hand! Mr. Pickwick drew -in his head again, with the swiftness displayed by that admirable -melodramatic performer, Punch, when he lies in wait for the -flat-headed comedian with the tin box of music. - -'It must have been the cat, Sarah,' said the girl, addressing -herself to some one in the house. 'Puss, puss, puss,--tit, tit, tit.' - -But no animal being decoyed by these blandishments, the girl -slowly closed the door, and re-fastened it; leaving Mr. Pickwick -drawn up straight against the wall. - -'This is very curious,' thought Mr. Pickwick. 'They are sitting -up beyond their usual hour, I suppose. Extremely unfortunate, -that they should have chosen this night, of all others, for such a -purpose--exceedingly.' And with these thoughts, Mr. Pickwick -cautiously retired to the angle of the wall in which he had been -before ensconced; waiting until such time as he might deem it -safe to repeat the signal. - -He had not been here five minutes, when a vivid flash -of lightning was followed by a loud peal of thunder that -crashed and rolled away in the distance with a terrific noise-- -then came another flash of lightning, brighter than the other, -and a second peal of thunder louder than the first; and then -down came the rain, with a force and fury that swept everything -before it. - -Mr. Pickwick was perfectly aware that a tree is a very dangerous -neighbour in a thunderstorm. He had a tree on his right, a -tree on his left, a third before him, and a fourth behind. If he -remained where he was, he might fall the victim of an accident; -if he showed himself in the centre of the garden, he might be -consigned to a constable. Once or twice he tried to scale the wall, -but having no other legs this time, than those with which Nature -had furnished him, the only effect of his struggles was to inflict a -variety of very unpleasant gratings on his knees and shins, and to -throw him into a state of the most profuse perspiration. - -'What a dreadful situation,' said Mr. Pickwick, pausing to -wipe his brow after this exercise. He looked up at the house--all -was dark. They must be gone to bed now. He would try the -signal again. - -He walked on tiptoe across the moist gravel, and tapped at the -door. He held his breath, and listened at the key-hole. No reply: -very odd. Another knock. He listened again. There was a low -whispering inside, and then a voice cried-- - -'Who's there?' - -'That's not Job,' thought Mr. Pickwick, hastily drawing himself -straight up against the wall again. 'It's a woman.' - -He had scarcely had time to form this conclusion, when a -window above stairs was thrown up, and three or four female -voices repeated the query--'Who's there?' - -Mr. Pickwick dared not move hand or foot. It was clear that -the whole establishment was roused. He made up his mind to -remain where he was, until the alarm had subsided; and then by -a supernatural effort, to get over the wall, or perish in -the attempt. - -Like all Mr. Pickwick's determinations, this was the best that -could be made under the circumstances; but, unfortunately, it -was founded upon the assumption that they would not venture -to open the door again. What was his discomfiture, when he -heard the chain and bolts withdrawn, and saw the door slowly -opening, wider and wider! He retreated into the corner, step by -step; but do what he would, the interposition of his own person, -prevented its being opened to its utmost width. - -'Who's there?' screamed a numerous chorus of treble voices -from the staircase inside, consisting of the spinster lady of the -establishment, three teachers, five female servants, and thirty -boarders, all half-dressed and in a forest of curl-papers. - -Of course Mr. Pickwick didn't say who was there: and then the -burden of the chorus changed into--'Lor! I am so frightened.' - -'Cook,' said the lady abbess, who took care to be on the top -stair, the very last of the group--'cook, why don't you go a little -way into the garden?' -'Please, ma'am, I don't like,' responded the cook. - -'Lor, what a stupid thing that cook is!' said the thirty boarders. - -'Cook,' said the lady abbess, with great dignity; 'don't -answer me, if you please. I insist upon your looking into the -garden immediately.' - -Here the cook began to cry, and the housemaid said it was 'a -shame!' for which partisanship she received a month's warning -on the spot. - -'Do you hear, cook?' said the lady abbess, stamping her -foot impatiently. - -'Don't you hear your missis, cook?' said the three teachers. - -'What an impudent thing that cook is!' said the thirty boarders. - -The unfortunate cook, thus strongly urged, advanced a step or -two, and holding her candle just where it prevented her from -seeing at all, declared there was nothing there, and it must have -been the wind. The door was just going to be closed in consequence, -when an inquisitive boarder, who had been peeping -between the hinges, set up a fearful screaming, which called back -the cook and housemaid, and all the more adventurous, in no time. - -'What is the matter with Miss Smithers?' said the lady abbess, -as the aforesaid Miss Smithers proceeded to go into hysterics of -four young lady power. - -'Lor, Miss Smithers, dear,' said the other nine-and-twenty -boarders. - -'Oh, the man--the man--behind the door!' screamed Miss Smithers. - -The lady abbess no sooner heard this appalling cry, than she -retreated to her own bedroom, double-locked the door, and -fainted away comfortably. The boarders, and the teachers, and -the servants, fell back upon the stairs, and upon each other; and -never was such a screaming, and fainting, and struggling beheld. -In the midst of the tumult, Mr. Pickwick emerged from his -concealment, and presented himself amongst them. - -'Ladies--dear ladies,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh. he says we're dear,' cried the oldest and ugliest teacher. -'Oh, the wretch!' - -'Ladies,' roared Mr. Pickwick, rendered desperate by the -danger of his situation. 'Hear me. I am no robber. I want the lady -of the house.' - -'Oh, what a ferocious monster!' screamed another teacher. -'He wants Miss Tomkins.' - -Here there was a general scream. - -'Ring the alarm bell, somebody!' cried a dozen voices. - -'Don't--don't,' shouted Mr. Pickwick. 'Look at me. Do I look -like a robber! My dear ladies--you may bind me hand and leg, -or lock me up in a closet, if you like. Only hear what I have got -to say--only hear me.' - -'How did you come in our garden?' faltered the housemaid. - -'Call the lady of the house, and I'll tell her everything,' said -Mr. Pickwick, exerting his lungs to the utmost pitch. 'Call her-- -only be quiet, and call her, and you shall hear everything .' - -It might have been Mr. Pickwick's appearance, or it might have -been his manner, or it might have been the temptation-- -irresistible to a female mind--of hearing something at present -enveloped in mystery, that reduced the more reasonable portion -of the establishment (some four individuals) to a state of -comparative quiet. By them it was proposed, as a test of Mr. -Pickwick's sincerity, that he should immediately submit to personal -restraint; and that gentleman having consented to hold a -conference with Miss Tomkins, from the interior of a closet in -which the day boarders hung their bonnets and sandwich-bags, -he at once stepped into it, of his own accord, and was securely -locked in. This revived the others; and Miss Tomkins having -been brought to, and brought down, the conference began. - -'What did you do in my garden, man?' said Miss Tomkins, in -a faint voice. - -'I came to warn you that one of your young ladies was going to -elope to-night,' replied Mr. Pickwick, from the interior of the closet. - -'Elope!' exclaimed Miss Tomkins, the three teachers, the -thirty boarders, and the five servants. 'Who with?' -'Your friend, Mr. Charles Fitz-Marshall.' - -'MY friend! I don't know any such person.' - -'Well, Mr. Jingle, then.' - -'I never heard the name in my life.' - -'Then, I have been deceived, and deluded,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'I have been the victim of a conspiracy--a foul and base conspiracy. -Send to the Angel, my dear ma'am, if you don't believe me. -Send to the Angel for Mr. Pickwick's manservant, I implore -you, ma'am.' - -'He must be respectable--he keeps a manservant,' said Miss -Tomkins to the writing and ciphering governess. - -'It's my opinion, Miss Tomkins,' said the writing and ciphering -governess, 'that his manservant keeps him, I think he's a madman, -Miss Tomkins, and the other's his keeper.' - -'I think you are very right, Miss Gwynn,' responded Miss -Tomkins. 'Let two of the servants repair to the Angel, and let the -others remain here, to protect us.' - -So two of the servants were despatched to the Angel in search -of Mr. Samuel Weller; and the remaining three stopped behind -to protect Miss Tomkins, and the three teachers, and the thirty -boarders. And Mr. Pickwick sat down in the closet, beneath a -grove of sandwich-bags, and awaited the return of the messengers, -with all the philosophy and fortitude he could summon to his aid. - -An hour and a half elapsed before they came back, and when -they did come, Mr. Pickwick recognised, in addition to the voice -of Mr. Samuel Weller, two other voices, the tones of which -struck familiarly on his ear; but whose they were, he could not for -the life of him call to mind. - -A very brief conversation ensued. The door was unlocked. -Mr. Pickwick stepped out of the closet, and found himself in the -presence of the whole establishment of Westgate House, Mr -Samuel Weller, and--old Wardle, and his destined son-in-law, -Mr. Trundle! - -'My dear friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, running forward and -grasping Wardle's hand, 'my dear friend, pray, for Heaven's sake, -explain to this lady the unfortunate and dreadful situation in -which I am placed. You must have heard it from my servant; -say, at all events, my dear fellow, that I am neither a robber nor -a madman.' - -'I have said so, my dear friend. I have said so already,' replied -Mr. Wardle, shaking the right hand of his friend, while Mr. -Trundle shook the left. -'And whoever says, or has said, he is,' interposed Mr. Weller, -stepping forward, 'says that which is not the truth, but so far -from it, on the contrary, quite the rewerse. And if there's any -number o' men on these here premises as has said so, I shall be -wery happy to give 'em all a wery convincing proof o' their being -mistaken, in this here wery room, if these wery respectable ladies -'ll have the goodness to retire, and order 'em up, one at a time.' -Having delivered this defiance with great volubility, Mr. Weller -struck his open palm emphatically with his clenched fist, and -winked pleasantly on Miss Tomkins, the intensity of whose -horror at his supposing it within the bounds of possibility that -there could be any men on the premises of Westgate House -Establishment for Young Ladies, it is impossible to describe. - -Mr. Pickwick's explanation having already been partially made, -was soon concluded. But neither in the course of his walk home -with his friends, nor afterwards when seated before a blazing -fire at the supper he so much needed, could a single observation -be drawn from him. He seemed bewildered and amazed. Once, -and only once, he turned round to Mr. Wardle, and said-- - -'How did you come here?' - -'Trundle and I came down here, for some good shooting on -the first,' replied Wardle. 'We arrived to-night, and were -astonished to hear from your servant that you were here too. -But I am glad you are,' said the old fellow, slapping him on -the back--'I am glad you are. We shall have a jovial party -on the first, and we'll give Winkle another chance--eh, old -boy?' - -Mr. Pickwick made no reply, he did not even ask after his -friends at Dingley Dell, and shortly afterwards retired for the -night, desiring Sam to fetch his candle when he rung. -The bell did ring in due course, and Mr. Weller presented himself. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking out from under the bed-clothes. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller. - -Mr. Pickwick paused, and Mr. Weller snuffed the candle. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick again, as if with a desperate effort. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller, once more. - -'Where is that Trotter?' - -'Job, sir?' - -'Yes. - -'Gone, sir.' - -'With his master, I suppose?' - -'Friend or master, or whatever he is, he's gone with him,' -replied Mr. Weller. 'There's a pair on 'em, sir.' - -'Jingle suspected my design, and set that fellow on you, with -this story, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, half choking. - -'Just that, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'It was all false, of course?' - -'All, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Reg'lar do, sir; artful dodge.' - -'I don't think he'll escape us quite so easily the next time, Sam!' -said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I don't think he will, Sir.' - -'Whenever I meet that Jingle again, wherever it is,' said Mr. -Pickwick, raising himself in bed, and indenting his pillow with a -tremendous blow, 'I'll inflict personal chastisement on him, in -addition to the exposure he so richly merits. I will, or my name -is not Pickwick.' - -'And venever I catches hold o' that there melan-cholly chap -with the black hair,' said Sam, 'if I don't bring some real water -into his eyes, for once in a way, my name ain't Weller. Good- -night, Sir!' - - - -CHAPTER XVII -SHOWING THAT AN ATTACK OF RHEUMATISM, IN SOME - CASES, ACTS AS A QUICKENER TO INVENTIVE GENIUS - - -The constitution of Mr. Pickwick, though able to sustain a very -considerable amount of exertion and fatigue, was not proof against -such a combination of attacks as he had undergone on the memorable -night, recorded in the last chapter. The process of being washed -in the night air, and rough-dried in a closet, is as dangerous as -it is peculiar. Mr. Pickwick was laid up with an attack of rheumatism. - -But although the bodily powers of the great man were thus -impaired, his mental energies retained their pristine vigour. His -spirits were elastic; his good-humour was restored. Even the -vexation consequent upon his recent adventure had vanished -from his mind; and he could join in the hearty laughter, which -any allusion to it excited in Mr. Wardle, without anger and -without embarrassment. Nay, more. During the two days Mr. -Pickwick was confined to bed, Sam was his constant attendant. -On the first, he endeavoured to amuse his master by anecdote -and conversation; on the second, Mr. Pickwick demanded his -writing-desk, and pen and ink, and was deeply engaged during -the whole day. On the third, being able to sit up in his bedchamber, -he despatched his valet with a message to Mr. Wardle and Mr. Trundle, -intimating that if they would take their wine there, that evening, -they would greatly oblige him. The invitation was most willingly -accepted; and when they were seated over -their wine, Mr. Pickwick, with sundry blushes, produced the -following little tale, as having been 'edited' by himself, during his -recent indisposition, from his notes of Mr. Weller's -unsophisticated recital. - - - THE PARISH CLERK -A TALE OF TRUE LOVE - -'Once upon a time, in a very small country town, at a considerable -distance from London, there lived a little man named Nathaniel -Pipkin, who was the parish clerk of the little town, and lived in a -little house in the little High Street, within ten minutes' walk -from the little church; and who was to be found every day, from -nine till four, teaching a little learning to the little boys. Nathaniel -Pipkin was a harmless, inoffensive, good-natured being, with a -turned-up nose, and rather turned-in legs, a cast in his eye, and a -halt in his gait; and he divided his time between the church and -his school, verily believing that there existed not, on the face of -the earth, so clever a man as the curate, so imposing an apartment -as the vestry-room, or so well-ordered a seminary as his own. -Once, and only once, in his life, Nathaniel Pipkin had seen a -bishop--a real bishop, with his arms in lawn sleeves, and his -head in a wig. He had seen him walk, and heard him talk, at a -confirmation, on which momentous occasion Nathaniel Pipkin -was so overcome with reverence and awe, when the aforesaid -bishop laid his hand on his head, that he fainted right clean -away, and was borne out of church in the arms of the beadle. - -'This was a great event, a tremendous era, in Nathaniel -Pipkin's life, and it was the only one that had ever occurred to -ruffle the smooth current of his quiet existence, when happening -one fine afternoon, in a fit of mental abstraction, to raise his eyes -from the slate on which he was devising some tremendous -problem in compound addition for an offending urchin to solve, -they suddenly rested on the blooming countenance of Maria -Lobbs, the only daughter of old Lobbs, the great saddler over the -way. Now, the eyes of Mr. Pipkin had rested on the pretty face -of Maria Lobbs many a time and oft before, at church and elsewhere; -but the eyes of Maria Lobbs had never looked so bright, -the cheeks of Maria Lobbs had never looked so ruddy, as upon -this particular occasion. No wonder then, that Nathaniel Pipkin -was unable to take his eyes from the countenance of Miss Lobbs; -no wonder that Miss Lobbs, finding herself stared at by a young -man, withdrew her head from the window out of which she had -been peeping, and shut the casement and pulled down the blind; -no wonder that Nathaniel Pipkin, immediately thereafter, fell -upon the young urchin who had previously offended, and cuffed -and knocked him about to his heart's content. All this was very -natural, and there's nothing at all to wonder at about it. - -'It IS matter of wonder, though, that anyone of Mr. Nathaniel -Pipkin's retiring disposition, nervous temperament, and most -particularly diminutive income, should from this day forth, have -dared to aspire to the hand and heart of the only daughter of the -fiery old Lobbs--of old Lobbs, the great saddler, who could have -bought up the whole village at one stroke of his pen, and never -felt the outlay--old Lobbs, who was well known to have heaps of -money, invested in the bank at the nearest market town--who -was reported to have countless and inexhaustible treasures -hoarded up in the little iron safe with the big keyhole, over the -chimney-piece in the back parlour--and who, it was well known, -on festive occasions garnished his board with a real silver teapot, -cream-ewer, and sugar-basin, which he was wont, in the pride of -his heart, to boast should be his daughter's property when she -found a man to her mind. I repeat it, to be matter of profound -astonishment and intense wonder, that Nathaniel Pipkin should -have had the temerity to cast his eyes in this direction. But love is -blind; and Nathaniel had a cast in his eye; and perhaps these two -circumstances, taken together, prevented his seeing the matter in -its proper light. - -'Now, if old Lobbs had entertained the most remote or distant -idea of the state of the affections of Nathaniel Pipkin, he would -just have razed the school-room to the ground, or exterminated -its master from the surface of the earth, or committed some other -outrage and atrocity of an equally ferocious and violent description; -for he was a terrible old fellow, was Lobbs, when his pride -was injured, or his blood was up. Swear! Such trains of oaths -would come rolling and pealing over the way, sometimes, when -he was denouncing the idleness of the bony apprentice with the -thin legs, that Nathaniel Pipkin would shake in his shoes with -horror, and the hair of the pupils' heads would stand on end -with fright. - -'Well! Day after day, when school was over, and the pupils -gone, did Nathaniel Pipkin sit himself down at the front window, -and, while he feigned to be reading a book, throw sidelong glances -over the way in search of the bright eyes of Maria Lobbs; and he -hadn't sat there many days, before the bright eyes appeared at an -upper window, apparently deeply engaged in reading too. This -was delightful, and gladdening to the heart of Nathaniel Pipkin. -It was something to sit there for hours together, and look upon -that pretty face when the eyes were cast down; but when Maria -Lobbs began to raise her eyes from her book, and dart their rays -in the direction of Nathaniel Pipkin, his delight and admiration -were perfectly boundless. At last, one day when he knew old -Lobbs was out, Nathaniel Pipkin had the temerity to kiss his hand -to Maria Lobbs; and Maria Lobbs, instead of shutting the -window, and pulling down the blind, kissed HERS to him, and -smiled. Upon which Nathaniel Pipkin determined, that, come -what might, he would develop the state of his feelings, without -further delay. - -'A prettier foot, a gayer heart, a more dimpled face, or a -smarter form, never bounded so lightly over the earth they -graced, as did those of Maria Lobbs, the old saddler's daughter. -There was a roguish twinkle in her sparkling eyes, that would -have made its way to far less susceptible bosoms than that of -Nathaniel Pipkin; and there was such a joyous sound in her -merry laugh, that the sternest misanthrope must have smiled to -hear it. Even old Lobbs himself, in the very height of his ferocity, -couldn't resist the coaxing of his pretty daughter; and when she, -and her cousin Kate--an arch, impudent-looking, bewitching -little person--made a dead set upon the old man together, as, to -say the truth, they very often did, he could have refused them -nothing, even had they asked for a portion of the countless and -inexhaustible treasures, which were hidden from the light, in the -iron safe. - -'Nathaniel Pipkin's heart beat high within him, when he saw -this enticing little couple some hundred yards before him one -summer's evening, in the very field in which he had many a time -strolled about till night-time, and pondered on the beauty of -Maria Lobbs. But though he had often thought then, how briskly -he would walk up to Maria Lobbs and tell her of his passion if he -could only meet her, he felt, now that she was unexpectedly -before him, all the blood in his body mounting to his face, -manifestly to the great detriment of his legs, which, deprived of -their usual portion, trembled beneath him. When they stopped to -gather a hedge flower, or listen to a bird, Nathaniel Pipkin -stopped too, and pretended to be absorbed in meditation, as -indeed he really was; for he was thinking what on earth he should -ever do, when they turned back, as they inevitably must in time, -and meet him face to face. But though he was afraid to make up -to them, he couldn't bear to lose sight of them; so when they -walked faster he walked faster, when they lingered he lingered, -and when they stopped he stopped; and so they might have gone -on, until the darkness prevented them, if Kate had not looked -slyly back, and encouragingly beckoned Nathaniel to advance. -There was something in Kate's manner that was not to be -resisted, and so Nathaniel Pipkin complied with the invitation; -and after a great deal of blushing on his part, and immoderate -laughter on that of the wicked little cousin, Nathaniel Pipkin -went down on his knees on the dewy grass, and declared his -resolution to remain there for ever, unless he were permitted to -rise the accepted lover of Maria Lobbs. Upon this, the merry -laughter of Miss Lobbs rang through the calm evening air-- -without seeming to disturb it, though; it had such a pleasant -sound--and the wicked little cousin laughed more immoderately -than before, and Nathaniel Pipkin blushed deeper than ever. At -length, Maria Lobbs being more strenuously urged by the love- -worn little man, turned away her head, and whispered her cousin -to say, or at all events Kate did say, that she felt much honoured -by Mr. Pipkin's addresses; that her hand and heart were at her -father's disposal; but that nobody could be insensible to Mr. -Pipkin's merits. As all this was said with much gravity, and as -Nathaniel Pipkin walked home with Maria Lobbs, and struggled -for a kiss at parting, he went to bed a happy man, and dreamed -all night long, of softening old Lobbs, opening the strong box, -and marrying Maria. - -The next day, Nathaniel Pipkin saw old Lobbs go out upon -his old gray pony, and after a great many signs at the window -from the wicked little cousin, the object and meaning of which he -could by no means understand, the bony apprentice with the thin -legs came over to say that his master wasn't coming home all -night, and that the ladies expected Mr. Pipkin to tea, at six -o'clock precisely. How the lessons were got through that day, -neither Nathaniel Pipkin nor his pupils knew any more than you -do; but they were got through somehow, and, after the boys had -gone, Nathaniel Pipkin took till full six o'clock to dress himself -to his satisfaction. Not that it took long to select the garments he -should wear, inasmuch as he had no choice about the matter; -but the putting of them on to the best advantage, and the touching -of them up previously, was a task of no inconsiderable difficulty -or importance. - -'There was a very snug little party, consisting of Maria Lobbs -and her cousin Kate, and three or four romping, good-humoured, -rosy-cheeked girls. Nathaniel Pipkin had ocular demonstration of -the fact, that the rumours of old Lobbs's treasures were not -exaggerated. There were the real solid silver teapot, cream-ewer, -and sugar-basin, on the table, and real silver spoons to stir the -tea with, and real china cups to drink it out of, and plates of the -same, to hold the cakes and toast in. The only eye-sore in the -whole place was another cousin of Maria Lobbs's, and a brother -of Kate, whom Maria Lobbs called "Henry," and who seemed -to keep Maria Lobbs all to himself, up in one corner of the table. -It's a delightful thing to see affection in families, but it may be -carried rather too far, and Nathaniel Pipkin could not help -thinking that Maria Lobbs must be very particularly fond of her -relations, if she paid as much attention to all of them as to this -individual cousin. After tea, too, when the wicked little cousin -proposed a game at blind man's buff, it somehow or other -happened that Nathaniel Pipkin was nearly always blind, and -whenever he laid his hand upon the male cousin, he was sure to -find that Maria Lobbs was not far off. And though the wicked -little cousin and the other girls pinched him, and pulled his hair, -and pushed chairs in his way, and all sorts of things, Maria Lobbs -never seemed to come near him at all; and once--once--Nathaniel -Pipkin could have sworn he heard the sound of a kiss, -followed by a faint remonstrance from Maria Lobbs, and a half- -suppressed laugh from her female friends. All this was odd-- -very odd--and there is no saying what Nathaniel Pipkin might -or might not have done, in consequence, if his thoughts had not -been suddenly directed into a new channel. - -'The circumstance which directed his thoughts into a new -channel was a loud knocking at the street door, and the person -who made this loud knocking at the street door was no other -than old Lobbs himself, who had unexpectedly returned, and -was hammering away, like a coffin-maker; for he wanted his -supper. The alarming intelligence was no sooner communicated -by the bony apprentice with the thin legs, than the girls tripped -upstairs to Maria Lobbs's bedroom, and the male cousin and -Nathaniel Pipkin were thrust into a couple of closets in the -sitting-room, for want of any better places of concealment; and -when Maria Lobbs and the wicked little cousin had stowed them -away, and put the room to rights, they opened the street door to -old Lobbs, who had never left off knocking since he first began. - -'Now it did unfortunately happen that old Lobbs being very -hungry was monstrous cross. Nathaniel Pipkin could hear him -growling away like an old mastiff with a sore throat; and whenever -the unfortunate apprentice with the thin legs came into the -room, so surely did old Lobbs commence swearing at him in a -most Saracenic and ferocious manner, though apparently with -no other end or object than that of easing his bosom by the -discharge of a few superfluous oaths. At length some supper, -which had been warming up, was placed on the table, and then -old Lobbs fell to, in regular style; and having made clear work of -it in no time, kissed his daughter, and demanded his pipe. - -'Nature had placed Nathaniel Pipkin's knees in very close -juxtaposition, but when he heard old Lobbs demand his pipe, -they knocked together, as if they were going to reduce each other -to powder; for, depending from a couple of hooks, in the very -closet in which he stood, was a large, brown-stemmed, silver- -bowled pipe, which pipe he himself had seen in the mouth of old -Lobbs, regularly every afternoon and evening, for the last five -years. The two girls went downstairs for the pipe, and upstairs for -the pipe, and everywhere but where they knew the pipe was, and -old Lobbs stormed away meanwhile, in the most wonderful -manner. At last he thought of the closet, and walked up to it. It -was of no use a little man like Nathaniel Pipkin pulling the -door inwards, when a great strong fellow like old Lobbs was -pulling it outwards. Old Lobbs gave it one tug, and open it flew, -disclosing Nathaniel Pipkin standing bolt upright inside, and -shaking with apprehension from head to foot. Bless us! what an -appalling look old Lobbs gave him, as he dragged him out by the -collar, and held him at arm's length. - -'"Why, what the devil do you want here?" said old Lobbs, in -a fearful voice. - -'Nathaniel Pipkin could make no reply, so old Lobbs shook -him backwards and forwards, for two or three minutes, by way -of arranging his ideas for him. - -'"What do you want here?" roared Lobbs; "I suppose you -have come after my daughter, now!" - -'Old Lobbs merely said this as a sneer: for he did not believe -that mortal presumption could have carried Nathaniel Pipkin so -far. What was his indignation, when that poor man replied-- -'"Yes, I did, Mr. Lobbs, I did come after your daughter. I -love her, Mr. Lobbs." - -'"Why, you snivelling, wry-faced, puny villain," gasped old -Lobbs, paralysed by the atrocious confession; "what do you -mean by that? Say this to my face! Damme, I'll throttle you!" - -'It is by no means improbable that old Lobbs would have -carried his threat into execution, in the excess of his rage, if his -arm had not been stayed by a very unexpected apparition: to wit, -the male cousin, who, stepping out of his closet, and walking up -to old Lobbs, said-- - -'"I cannot allow this harmless person, Sir, who has been asked -here, in some girlish frolic, to take upon himself, in a very noble -manner, the fault (if fault it is) which I am guilty of, and am -ready to avow. I love your daughter, sir; and I came here for the -purpose of meeting her." - -'Old Lobbs opened his eyes very wide at this, but not wider -than Nathaniel Pipkin. - -'"You did?" said Lobbs, at last finding breath to speak. - -'"I did." - -'"And I forbade you this house, long ago." - -'"You did, or I should not have been here, clandestinely, -to-night." - -'I am sorry to record it of old Lobbs, but I think he would -have struck the cousin, if his pretty daughter, with her bright eyes -swimming in tears, had not clung to his arm. - -'"Don't stop him, Maria," said the young man; "if he has the -will to strike me, let him. I would not hurt a hair of his gray head, -for the riches of the world." - -'The old man cast down his eyes at this reproof, and they met -those of his daughter. I have hinted once or twice before, that -they were very bright eyes, and, though they were tearful now, -their influence was by no means lessened. Old Lobbs turned -his head away, as if to avoid being persuaded by them, -when, as fortune would have it, he encountered the face of -the wicked little cousin, who, half afraid for her brother, and -half laughing at Nathaniel Pipkin, presented as bewitching an -expression of countenance, with a touch of slyness in it, too, as -any man, old or young, need look upon. She drew her arm coaxingly -through the old man's, and whispered something in his -ear; and do what he would, old Lobbs couldn't help breaking -out into a smile, while a tear stole down his cheek at the same time. -'Five minutes after this, the girls were brought down from the -bedroom with a great deal of giggling and modesty; and while -the young people were making themselves perfectly happy, old -Lobbs got down the pipe, and smoked it; and it was a remarkable -circumstance about that particular pipe of tobacco, that it was -the most soothing and delightful one he ever smoked. - -'Nathaniel Pipkin thought it best to keep his own counsel, and -by so doing gradually rose into high favour with old Lobbs. who -taught him to smoke in time; and they used to sit out in the -garden on the fine evenings, for many years afterwards, smoking -and drinking in great state. He soon recovered the effects of his -attachment, for we find his name in the parish register, as a -witness to the marriage of Maria Lobbs to her cousin; and it also -appears, by reference to other documents, that on the night of the -wedding he was incarcerated in the village cage, for having, in a -state of extreme intoxication, committed sundry excesses in the -streets, in all of which he was aided and abetted by the bony -apprentice with the thin legs.' - - - -CHAPTER XVIII -BRIEFLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF TWO POINTS; FIRST, THE - POWER OF HYSTERICS, AND, SECONDLY, THE FORCE OF - CIRCUMSTANCEs - - -For two days after the DEJEUNE at Mrs. Hunter's, the Pickwickians -remained at Eatanswill, anxiously awaiting the arrival of some -intelligence from their revered leader. Mr. Tupman and Mr. -Snodgrass were once again left to their own means of amusement; -for Mr. Winkle, in compliance with a most pressing invitation, -continued to reside at Mr. Pott's house, and to devote his time -to the companionship of his amiable lady. Nor was the occasional -society of Mr. Pott himself wanting to complete their felicity. -Deeply immersed in the intensity of his speculations for the -public weal and the destruction of the INDEPENDENT, it was not the -habit of that great man to descend from his mental pinnacle to -the humble level of ordinary minds. On this occasion, however, -and as if expressly in compliment to any follower of Mr. -Pickwick's, he unbent, relaxed, stepped down from his pedestal, -and walked upon the ground, benignly adapting his remarks to the -comprehension of the herd, and seeming in outward form, if not in -spirit, to be one of them. - -Such having been the demeanour of this celebrated public -character towards Mr. Winkle, it will be readily imagined that -considerable surprise was depicted on the countenance of the -latter gentleman, when, as he was sitting alone in the breakfast- -room, the door was hastily thrown open, and as hastily closed, -on the entrance of Mr. Pott, who, stalking majestically towards -him, and thrusting aside his proffered hand, ground his teeth, as -if to put a sharper edge on what he was about to utter, and -exclaimed, in a saw-like voice-- - -'Serpent!' - -'Sir!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, starting from his chair. - -'Serpent, Sir,' repeated Mr. Pott, raising his voice, and then -suddenly depressing it: 'I said, serpent, sir--make the most of it.' - -When you have parted with a man at two o'clock in the -morning, on terms of the utmost good-fellowship, and he meets -you again, at half-past nine, and greets you as a serpent, it is not -unreasonable to conclude that something of an unpleasant -nature has occurred meanwhile. So Mr. Winkle thought. He -returned Mr. Pott's gaze of stone, and in compliance with that -gentleman's request, proceeded to make the most he could of the -'serpent.' The most, however, was nothing at all; so, after a -profound silence of some minutes' duration, he said,-- - -'Serpent, Sir! Serpent, Mr. Pott! What can you mean, Sir?-- -this is pleasantry.' - -'Pleasantry, sir!' exclaimed Pott, with a motion of the hand, -indicative of a strong desire to hurl the Britannia metal teapot at -the head of the visitor. 'Pleasantry, sir!--But--no, I will be calm; -I will be calm, Sir;' in proof of his calmness, Mr. Pott flung -himself into a chair, and foamed at the mouth. - -'My dear sir,' interposed Mr. Winkle. - -'DEAR Sir!' replied Pott. 'How dare you address me, as dear Sir, -Sir? How dare you look me in the face and do it, sir?' - -'Well, Sir, if you come to that,' responded Mr. Winkle, 'how -dare you look me in the face, and call me a serpent, sir?' - -'Because you are one,' replied Mr. Pott. - -'Prove it, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle warmly. 'Prove it.' - -A malignant scowl passed over the profound face of the editor, -as he drew from his pocket the INDEPENDENT of that morning; and -laying his finger on a particular paragraph, threw the journal -across the table to Mr. Winkle. - -That gentleman took it up, and read as follows:-- - - -'Our obscure and filthy contemporary, in some disgusting -observations on the recent election for this borough, has presumed -to violate the hallowed sanctity of private life, and to refer, - -in a manner not to be misunderstood, to the personal affairs of -our late candidate--aye, and notwithstanding his base defeat, we -will add, our future member, Mr. Fizkin. What does our dastardly -contemporary mean? What would the ruffian say, if we, setting -at naught, like him, the decencies of social intercourse, were to -raise the curtain which happily conceals His private life from -general ridicule, not to say from general execration? What, if we -were even to point out, and comment on, facts and circumstances, -which are publicly notorious, and beheld by every one but our -mole-eyed contemporary--what if we were to print the following -effusion, which we received while we were writing the commencement -of this article, from a talented fellow-townsman and -correspondent? - - '"LINES TO A BRASS POT - -'"Oh Pott! if you'd known -How false she'd have grown, -When you heard the marriage bells tinkle; -You'd have done then, I vow, -What you cannot help now, -And handed her over to W*****"' - - -'What,' said Mr. Pott solemnly--'what rhymes to "tinkle," -villain?' - -'What rhymes to tinkle?' said Mrs. Pott, whose entrance at the -moment forestalled the reply. 'What rhymes to tinkle? Why, -Winkle, I should conceive.' Saying this, Mrs. Pott smiled sweetly -on the disturbed Pickwickian, and extended her hand towards -him. The agitated young man would have accepted it, in his -confusion, had not Pott indignantly interposed. - -'Back, ma'am--back!' said the editor. 'Take his hand before -my very face!' - -'Mr. P.!' said his astonished lady. - -'Wretched woman, look here,' exclaimed the husband. 'Look -here, ma'am--"Lines to a Brass Pot." "Brass Pot"; that's me, -ma'am. "False SHE'D have grown"; that's you, ma'am--you.' -With this ebullition of rage, which was not unaccompanied with -something like a tremble, at the expression of his wife's face, -Mr. Pott dashed the current number of the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT -at her feet. - -'Upon my word, Sir,' said the astonished Mrs. Pott, stooping -to pick up the paper. 'Upon my word, Sir!' - -Mr. Pott winced beneath the contemptuous gaze of his wife. -He had made a desperate struggle to screw up his courage, but it -was fast coming unscrewed again. - -There appears nothing very tremendous in this little sentence, -'Upon my word, sir,' when it comes to be read; but the tone of -voice in which it was delivered, and the look that accompanied it, -both seeming to bear reference to some revenge to be thereafter -visited upon the head of Pott, produced their effect upon him. -The most unskilful observer could have detected in his troubled -countenance, a readiness to resign his Wellington boots to any -efficient substitute who would have consented to stand in them -at that moment. - -Mrs. Pott read the paragraph, uttered a loud shriek, and -threw herself at full length on the hearth-rug, screaming, and -tapping it with the heels of her shoes, in a manner which could -leave no doubt of the propriety of her feelings on the occasion. - -'My dear,' said the terrified Pott, 'I didn't say I believed it;--I--' -but the unfortunate man's voice was drowned in the -screaming of his partner. - -'Mrs. Pott, let me entreat you, my dear ma'am, to compose -yourself,' said Mr. Winkle; but the shrieks and tappings were -louder, and more frequent than ever. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Pott, 'I'm very sorry. If you won't consider -your own health, consider me, my dear. We shall have a crowd -round the house.' But the more strenuously Mr. Pott entreated, -the more vehemently the screams poured forth. - -Very fortunately, however, attached to Mrs. Pott's person was -a bodyguard of one, a young lady whose ostensible employment -was to preside over her toilet, but who rendered herself useful in -a variety of ways, and in none more so than in the particular -department of constantly aiding and abetting her mistress in -every wish and inclination opposed to the desires of the unhappy -Pott. The screams reached this young lady's ears in due course, -and brought her into the room with a speed which threatened to -derange, materially, the very exquisite arrangement of her cap -and ringlets. - -'Oh, my dear, dear mistress!' exclaimed the bodyguard, -kneeling frantically by the side of the prostrate Mrs. Pott. 'Oh, -my dear mistress, what is the matter?' - -'Your master--your brutal master,' murmured the patient. - -Pott was evidently giving way. - -'It's a shame,' said the bodyguard reproachfully. 'I know he'll -be the death on you, ma'am. Poor dear thing!' - -He gave way more. The opposite party followed up the attack. - -'Oh, don't leave me--don't leave me, Goodwin,' murmured -Mrs. Pott, clutching at the wrist of the said Goodwin with an -hysteric jerk. 'You're the only person that's kind to me, Goodwin.' - -At this affecting appeal, Goodwin got up a little domestic -tragedy of her own, and shed tears copiously. - -'Never, ma'am--never,' said Goodwin.'Oh, sir, you should be -careful--you should indeed; you don't know what harm you may -do missis; you'll be sorry for it one day, I know--I've always -said so.' - -The unlucky Pott looked timidly on, but said nothing. - -'Goodwin,' said Mrs. Pott, in a soft voice. - -'Ma'am,' said Goodwin. - -'If you only knew how I have loved that man--' -'Don't distress yourself by recollecting it, ma'am,' said the bodyguard. - -Pott looked very frightened. It was time to finish him. - -'And now,' sobbed Mrs. Pott, 'now, after all, to be treated in -this way; to be reproached and insulted in the presence of a -third party, and that party almost a stranger. But I will not -submit to it! Goodwin,' continued Mrs. Pott, raising herself in -the arms of her attendant, 'my brother, the lieutenant, shall -interfere. I'll be separated, Goodwin!' - -'It would certainly serve him right, ma'am,' said Goodwin. - -Whatever thoughts the threat of a separation might have -awakened in Mr. Pott's mind, he forbore to give utterance to -them, and contented himself by saying, with great humility:-- - -'My dear, will you hear me?' - -A fresh train of sobs was the only reply, as Mrs. Pott grew -more hysterical, requested to be informed why she was ever born, -and required sundry other pieces of information of a similar description. - -'My dear,' remonstrated Mr. Pott, 'do not give way to these -sensitive feelings. I never believed that the paragraph had any -foundation, my dear--impossible. I was only angry, my dear--I -may say outrageous--with the INDEPENDENT people for daring to -insert it; that's all.' Mr. Pott cast an imploring look at the -innocent cause of the mischief, as if to entreat him to say nothing -about the serpent. - -'And what steps, sir, do you mean to take to obtain redress?' -inquired Mr. Winkle, gaining courage as he saw Pott losing it. - -'Oh, Goodwin,' observed Mrs. Pott, 'does he mean to horsewhip -the editor of the INDEPENDENT--does he, Goodwin?' - -'Hush, hush, ma'am; pray keep yourself quiet,' replied the -bodyguard. 'I dare say he will, if you wish it, ma'am.' - -'Certainly,' said Pott, as his wife evinced decided symptoms of -going off again. 'Of course I shall.' - -'When, Goodwin--when?' said Mrs. Pott, still undecided -about the going off. - -'Immediately, of course,' said Mr. Pott; 'before the day is out.' - -'Oh, Goodwin,' resumed Mrs. Pott, 'it's the only way of -meeting the slander, and setting me right with the world.' - -'Certainly, ma'am,' replied Goodwin. 'No man as is a man, -ma'am, could refuse to do it.' - -So, as the hysterics were still hovering about, Mr. Pott said -once more that he would do it; but Mrs. Pott was so overcome at -the bare idea of having ever been suspected, that she was half a -dozen times on the very verge of a relapse, and most unquestionably -would have gone off, had it not been for the indefatigable -efforts of the assiduous Goodwin, and repeated entreaties for -pardon from the conquered Pott; and finally, when that unhappy -individual had been frightened and snubbed down to his proper -level, Mrs. Pott recovered, and they went to breakfast. - -'You will not allow this base newspaper slander to shorten -your stay here, Mr. Winkle?' said Mrs. Pott, smiling through the -traces of her tears. - -'I hope not,' said Mr. Pott, actuated, as he spoke, by a wish -that his visitor would choke himself with the morsel of dry toast -which he was raising to his lips at the moment, and so terminate -his stay effectually. - -'I hope not.' - -'You are very good,' said Mr. Winkle; 'but a letter has been -received from Mr. Pickwick--so I learn by a note from Mr. -Tupman, which was brought up to my bedroom door, this -morning--in which he requests us to join him at Bury to-day; -and we are to leave by the coach at noon.' - -'But you will come back?' said Mrs. Pott. - -'Oh, certainly,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'You are quite sure?' said Mrs. Pott, stealing a tender look at -her visitor. - -'Quite,' responded Mr. Winkle. - -The breakfast passed off in silence, for each of the party was -brooding over his, or her, own personal grievances. Mrs. Pott -was regretting the loss of a beau; Mr. Pott his rash pledge to -horsewhip the INDEPENDENT; Mr. Winkle his having innocently -placed himself in so awkward a situation. Noon approached, and -after many adieux and promises to return, he tore himself away. - -'If he ever comes back, I'll poison him,' thought Mr. Pott, as -he turned into the little back office where he prepared his thunderbolts. - -'If I ever do come back, and mix myself up with these people -again,'thought Mr. Winkle, as he wended his way to the Peacock, -'I shall deserve to be horsewhipped myself--that's all.' - -His friends were ready, the coach was nearly so, and in half an -hour they were proceeding on their journey, along the road over -which Mr. Pickwick and Sam had so recently travelled, and of -which, as we have already said something, we do not feel called -upon to extract Mr. Snodgrass's poetical and beautiful description. - -Mr. Weller was standing at the door of the Angel, ready to -receive them, and by that gentleman they were ushered to the -apartment of Mr. Pickwick, where, to the no small surprise of -Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass, and the no small embarrassment -of Mr. Tupman, they found old Wardle and Trundle. - -'How are you?' said the old man, grasping Mr. Tupman's -hand. 'Don't hang back, or look sentimental about it; it can't be -helped, old fellow. For her sake, I wish you'd had her; for your -own, I'm very glad you have not. A young fellow like you will do -better one of these days, eh?' With this conclusion, Wardle -slapped Mr. Tupman on the back, and laughed heartily. - -'Well, and how are you, my fine fellows?' said the old gentleman, -shaking hands with Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass at the -same time. 'I have just been telling Pickwick that we must have -you all down at Christmas. We're going to have a wedding--a -real wedding this time.' - -'A wedding!' exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass, turning very pale. - -'Yes, a wedding. But don't be frightened,' said the good- -humoured old man; 'it's only Trundle there, and Bella.' - -'Oh, is that all?' said Mr. Snodgrass, relieved from a painful -doubt which had fallen heavily on his breast. 'Give you joy, Sir. -How is Joe?' - -'Very well,' replied the old gentleman. 'Sleepy as ever.' - -'And your mother, and the clergyman, and all of 'em?' - -'Quite well.' - -'Where,' said Mr. Tupman, with an effort--'where is--SHE, -Sir?' and he turned away his head, and covered his eyes with his hand. -'SHE!' said the old gentleman, with a knowing shake of the -head. 'Do you mean my single relative--eh?' - -Mr. Tupman, by a nod, intimated that his question applied to -the disappointed Rachael. - -'Oh, she's gone away,' said the old gentleman. 'She's living at -a relation's, far enough off. She couldn't bear to see the girls, so I -let her go. But come! Here's the dinner. You must be hungry -after your ride. I am, without any ride at all; so let us fall to.' - -Ample justice was done to the meal; and when they were -seated round the table, after it had been disposed of, Mr. Pickwick, -to the intense horror and indignation of his followers, -related the adventure he had undergone, and the success which -had attended the base artifices of the diabolical Jingle. -'And the attack of rheumatism which I caught in that garden,' -said Mr. Pickwick, in conclusion, 'renders me lame at this -moment.' - -'I, too, have had something of an adventure,' said Mr. Winkle, -with a smile; and, at the request of Mr. Pickwick, he detailed the -malicious libel of the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT, and the consequent -excitement of their friend, the editor. - -Mr. Pickwick's brow darkened during the recital. His friends -observed it, and, when Mr. Winkle had concluded, maintained a -profound silence. Mr. Pickwick struck the table emphatically -with his clenched fist, and spoke as follows:-- - -'Is it not a wonderful circumstance,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that -we seem destined to enter no man's house without involving him -in some degree of trouble? Does it not, I ask, bespeak the -indiscretion, or, worse than that, the blackness of heart--that I -should say so!--of my followers, that, beneath whatever roof -they locate, they disturb the peace of mind and happiness of -some confiding female? Is it not, I say--' - -Mr. Pickwick would in all probability have gone on for some -time, had not the entrance of Sam, with a letter, caused him to -break off in his eloquent discourse. He passed his handkerchief -across his forehead, took off his spectacles, wiped them, and put -them on again; and his voice had recovered its wonted softness of -tone when he said-- - -'What have you there, Sam?' - -'Called at the post-office just now, and found this here letter, -as has laid there for two days,' replied Mr. Weller. 'It's sealed -vith a vafer, and directed in round hand.' - -'I don't know this hand,' said Mr. Pickwick, opening the -letter. 'Mercy on us! what's this? It must be a jest; it--it--can't -be true.' - -'What's the matter?' was the general inquiry. - -'Nobody dead, is there?' said Wardle, alarmed at the horror in -Mr. Pickwick's countenance. - -Mr. Pickwick made no reply, but, pushing the letter across the -table, and desiring Mr. Tupman to read it aloud, fell back in his -chair with a look of vacant astonishment quite alarming to -behold. - -Mr. Tupman, with a trembling voice, read the letter, of which -the following is a copy:-- - - -Freeman's Court, Cornhill, -August 28th, 1827. - -Bardell against Pickwick. - -Sir, - -Having been instructed by Mrs. Martha Bardell to commence -an action against you for a breach of promise of marriage, for which -the plaintiff lays her damages at fifteen hundred pounds, we beg to -inform you that a writ has been issued against you in this suit in the -Court of Common Pleas; and request to know, by return of post, the -name of your attorney in London, who will accept service thereof. - -We are, Sir, -Your obedient servants, -Dodson & Fogg. - -Mr. Samuel Pickwick. - - -There was something so impressive in the mute astonishment -with which each man regarded his neighbour, and every man -regarded Mr. Pickwick, that all seemed afraid to speak. The -silence was at length broken by Mr. Tupman. - -'Dodson and Fogg,' he repeated mechanically. - -'Bardell and Pickwick,' said Mr. Snodgrass, musing. - -'Peace of mind and happiness of confiding females,' murmured -Mr. Winkle, with an air of abstraction. - -'It's a conspiracy,' said Mr. Pickwick, at length recovering the -power of speech; 'a base conspiracy between these two grasping -attorneys, Dodson and Fogg. Mrs. Bardell would never do it;-- -she hasn't the heart to do it;--she hasn't the case to do it. -Ridiculous--ridiculous.' -'Of her heart,' said Wardle, with a smile, 'you should certainly -be the best judge. I don't wish to discourage you, but I should -certainly say that, of her case, Dodson and Fogg are far better -judges than any of us can be.' - -'It's a vile attempt to extort money,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I hope it is,' said Wardle, with a short, dry cough. - -'Who ever heard me address her in any way but that in which -a lodger would address his landlady?' continued Mr. Pickwick, -with great vehemence. 'Who ever saw me with her? Not even my -friends here--' - -'Except on one occasion,' said Mr. Tupman. - -Mr. Pickwick changed colour. -'Ah,' said Mr. Wardle. 'Well, that's important. There was -nothing suspicious then, I suppose?' - -Mr. Tupman glanced timidly at his leader. 'Why,' said he, -'there was nothing suspicious; but--I don't know how it -happened, mind--she certainly was reclining in his arms.' - -'Gracious powers!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, as the recollection -of the scene in question struck forcibly upon him; 'what a -dreadful instance of the force of circumstances! So she was--so -she was.' - -'And our friend was soothing her anguish,' said Mr. Winkle, -rather maliciously. - -'So I was,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I don't deny it. So I was.' - -'Hollo!' said Wardle; 'for a case in which there's nothing suspicious, -this looks rather queer--eh, Pickwick? Ah, sly dog--sly -dog!' and he laughed till the glasses on the sideboard rang again. - -'What a dreadful conjunction of appearances!' exclaimed -Mr. Pickwick, resting his chin upon his hands. 'Winkle-- -Tupman--I beg your pardon for the observations I made -just now. We are all the victims of circumstances, and I the -greatest.' With this apology Mr. Pickwick buried his head in his -hands, and ruminated; while Wardle measured out a regular -circle of nods and winks, addressed to the other members of -the company. - -'I'll have it explained, though,' said Mr. Pickwick, raising his -head and hammering the table. 'I'll see this Dodson and Fogg! -I'll go to London to-morrow.' - -'Not to-morrow,' said Wardle; 'you're too lame.' - -'Well, then, next day.' - -'Next day is the first of September, and you're pledged to ride -out with us, as far as Sir Geoffrey Manning's grounds at all -events, and to meet us at lunch, if you don't take the field.' - -'Well, then, the day after,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'Thursday.--Sam!' - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Take two places outside to London, on Thursday morning, -for yourself and me.' - -'Wery well, Sir.' - -Mr. Weller left the room, and departed slowly on his errand, -with his hands in his pocket and his eyes fixed on the ground. - -'Rum feller, the hemperor,' said Mr. Weller, as he walked -slowly up the street. 'Think o' his makin' up to that 'ere Mrs. -Bardell--vith a little boy, too! Always the vay vith these here old -'uns howsoever, as is such steady goers to look at. I didn't think -he'd ha' done it, though--I didn't think he'd ha' done it!' -Moralising in this strain, Mr. Samuel Weller bent his steps -towards the booking-office. - - - -CHAPTER XIX -A PLEASANT DAY WITH AN UNPLEASANT TERMINATION - - -The birds, who, happily for their own peace of mind and personal -comfort, were in blissful ignorance of the preparations which had -been making to astonish them, on the first of September, hailed -it, no doubt, as one of the pleasantest mornings they had seen -that season. Many a young partridge who strutted complacently -among the stubble, with all the finicking coxcombry of youth, and -many an older one who watched his levity out of his little round -eye, with the contemptuous air of a bird of wisdom and experience, -alike unconscious of their approaching doom, basked in the fresh -morning air with lively and blithesome feelings, and a few hours -afterwards were laid low upon the earth. But we grow affecting: -let us proceed. - -In plain commonplace matter-of-fact, then, it was a fine -morning--so fine that you would scarcely have believed that the -few months of an English summer had yet flown by. Hedges, -fields, and trees, hill and moorland, presented to the eye their -ever-varying shades of deep rich green; scarce a leaf had -fallen, scarce a sprinkle of yellow mingled with the hues of -summer, warned you that autumn had begun. The sky was -cloudless; the sun shone out bright and warm; the songs of birds, -the hum of myriads of summer insects, filled the air; and the -cottage gardens, crowded with flowers of every rich and beautiful -tint, sparkled, in the heavy dew, like beds of glittering jewels. -Everything bore the stamp of summer, and none of its beautiful -colour had yet faded from the die. - -Such was the morning, when an open carriage, in which were -three Pickwickians (Mr. Snodgrass having preferred to remain at -home), Mr. Wardle, and Mr. Trundle, with Sam Weller on the -box beside the driver, pulled up by a gate at the roadside, before -which stood a tall, raw-boned gamekeeper, and a half-booted, -leather-legginged boy, each bearing a bag of capacious dimensions, -and accompanied by a brace of pointers. - -'I say,' whispered Mr. Winkle to Wardle, as the man let down -the steps, 'they don't suppose we're going to kill game enough to -fill those bags, do they?' - -'Fill them!' exclaimed old Wardle. 'Bless you, yes! You shall -fill one, and I the other; and when we've done with them, the -pockets of our shooting-jackets will hold as much more.' - -Mr. Winkle dismounted without saying anything in reply to -this observation; but he thought within himself, that if the party -remained in the open air, till he had filled one of the bags, they -stood a considerable chance of catching colds in their heads. - -'Hi, Juno, lass-hi, old girl; down, Daph, down,' said Wardle, -caressing the dogs. 'Sir Geoffrey still in Scotland, of course, Martin?' - -The tall gamekeeper replied in the affirmative, and looked with -some surprise from Mr. Winkle, who was holding his gun as if he -wished his coat pocket to save him the trouble of pulling the -trigger, to Mr. Tupman, who was holding his as if he was afraid -of it--as there is no earthly reason to doubt he really was. - -'My friends are not much in the way of this sort of thing yet, -Martin,' said Wardle, noticing the look. 'Live and learn, you -know. They'll be good shots one of these days. I beg my friend -Winkle's pardon, though; he has had some practice.' - -Mr. Winkle smiled feebly over his blue neckerchief in -acknowledgment of the compliment, and got himself so mysteriously -entangled with his gun, in his modest confusion, that if the piece -had been loaded, he must inevitably have shot himself dead upon -the spot. - -'You mustn't handle your piece in that 'ere way, when you -come to have the charge in it, Sir,' said the tall gamekeeper -gruffly; 'or I'm damned if you won't make cold meat of some - -on us.' - -Mr. Winkle, thus admonished, abruptly altered his position, -and in so doing, contrived to bring the barrel into pretty smart -contact with Mr. Weller's head. - -'Hollo!' said Sam, picking up his hat, which had been knocked -off, and rubbing his temple. 'Hollo, sir! if you comes it this vay, -you'll fill one o' them bags, and something to spare, at one fire.' - -Here the leather-legginged boy laughed very heartily, and then -tried to look as if it was somebody else, whereat Mr. Winkle -frowned majestically. - -'Where did you tell the boy to meet us with the snack, Martin?' -inquired Wardle. - -'Side of One-tree Hill, at twelve o'clock, Sir.' - -'That's not Sir Geoffrey's land, is it?' - -'No, Sir; but it's close by it. It's Captain Boldwig's land; but -there'll be nobody to interrupt us, and there's a fine bit of -turf there.' - -'Very well,' said old Wardle. 'Now the sooner we're off the -better. Will you join us at twelve, then, Pickwick?' - -Mr. Pickwick was particularly desirous to view the sport, the -more especially as he was rather anxious in respect of Mr. -Winkle's life and limbs. On so inviting a morning, too, it was -very tantalising to turn back, and leave his friends to enjoy -themselves. It was, therefore, with a very rueful air that he -replied-- - -'Why, I suppose I must.' - -'Ain't the gentleman a shot, Sir?' inquired the long gamekeeper. - -'No,' replied Wardle; 'and he's lame besides.' - -'I should very much like to go,' said Mr. Pickwick--'very -much.' - -There was a short pause of commiseration. - -'There's a barrow t'other side the hedge,' said the boy. 'If the -gentleman's servant would wheel along the paths, he could keep -nigh us, and we could lift it over the stiles, and that.' - -'The wery thing,' said Mr. Weller, who was a party interested, -inasmuch as he ardently longed to see the sport. 'The wery -thing. Well said, Smallcheek; I'll have it out in a minute.' - -But here a difficulty arose. The long gamekeeper resolutely -protested against the introduction into a shooting party, of a -gentleman in a barrow, as a gross violation of all established -rules and precedents. -It was a great objection, but not an insurmountable one. The -gamekeeper having been coaxed and feed, and having, moreover, -eased his mind by 'punching' the head of the inventive youth who -had first suggested the use of the machine, Mr. Pickwick was -placed in it, and off the party set; Wardle and the long gamekeeper -leading the way, and Mr. Pickwick in the barrow, propelled by -Sam, bringing up the rear. - -'Stop, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, when they had got half across -the first field. - -'What's the matter now?' said Wardle. - -'I won't suffer this barrow to be moved another step,' said -Mr. Pickwick, resolutely, 'unless Winkle carries that gun of his in -a different manner.' - -'How AM I to carry it?' said the wretched Winkle. -'Carry it with the muzzle to the ground,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's so unsportsmanlike,' reasoned Winkle. - -'I don't care whether it's unsportsmanlike or not,' replied -Mr. Pickwick; 'I am not going to be shot in a wheel-barrow, for -the sake of appearances, to please anybody.' - -'I know the gentleman'll put that 'ere charge into somebody -afore he's done,' growled the long man. - -'Well, well--I don't mind,' said poor Winkle, turning his gun- -stock uppermost--'there.' - -'Anythin' for a quiet life,' said Mr. Weller; and on they went again. - -'Stop!' said Mr. Pickwick, after they had gone a few yards farther. - -'What now?' said Wardle. - -'That gun of Tupman's is not safe: I know it isn't,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Eh? What! not safe?' said Mr. Tupman, in a tone of great alarm. - -'Not as you are carrying it,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am very -sorry to make any further objection, but I cannot consent to go -on, unless you carry it as Winkle does his.' - -'I think you had better, sir,' said the long gamekeeper, 'or -you're quite as likely to lodge the charge in yourself as in -anything else.' - -Mr. Tupman, with the most obliging haste, placed his piece in -the position required, and the party moved on again; the two -amateurs marching with reversed arms, like a couple of privates -at a royal funeral. - -The dogs suddenly came to a dead stop, and the party advancing -stealthily a single pace, stopped too. - -'What's the matter with the dogs' legs?' whispered Mr. -Winkle. 'How queer they're standing.' - -'Hush, can't you?' replied Wardle softly. 'Don't you see, -they're making a point?' - -'Making a point!' said Mr. Winkle, staring about him, as if he -expected to discover some particular beauty in the landscape, -which the sagacious animals were calling special attention to. -'Making a point! What are they pointing at?' - -'Keep your eyes open,' said Wardle, not heeding the question -in the excitement of the moment. 'Now then.' - -There was a sharp whirring noise, that made Mr. Winkle start -back as if he had been shot himself. Bang, bang, went a couple of -guns--the smoke swept quickly away over the field, and curled -into the air. - -'Where are they!' said Mr. Winkle, in a state of the highest -excitement, turning round and round in all directions. 'Where are -they? Tell me when to fire. Where are they--where are they?' - -'Where are they!' said Wardle, taking up a brace of birds -which the dogs had deposited at his feet. 'Why, here they are.' - -'No, no; I mean the others,' said the bewildered Winkle. - -'Far enough off, by this time,' replied Wardle, coolly reloading -his gun. - -'We shall very likely be up with another covey in five minutes,' -said the long gamekeeper. 'If the gentleman begins to fire now, -perhaps he'll just get the shot out of the barrel by the time they rise.' - -'Ha! ha! ha!' roared Mr. Weller. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, compassionating his follower's -confusion and embarrassment. - -'Sir.' - -'Don't laugh.' - -'Certainly not, Sir.' So, by way of indemnification, Mr. Weller -contorted his features from behind the wheel-barrow, for the -exclusive amusement of the boy with the leggings, who thereupon -burst into a boisterous laugh, and was summarily cuffed by the -long gamekeeper, who wanted a pretext for turning round, to hide -his own merriment. - -'Bravo, old fellow!' said Wardle to Mr. Tupman; 'you fired -that time, at all events.' - -'Oh, yes,' replied Mr. Tupman, with conscious pride. 'I let it off.' - -'Well done. You'll hit something next time, if you look sharp. -Very easy, ain't it?' - -'Yes, it's very easy,' said Mr. Tupman. 'How it hurts one's -shoulder, though. It nearly knocked me backwards. I had no idea -these small firearms kicked so.' - -'Ah,' said the old gentleman, smiling, 'you'll get used to it in -time. Now then--all ready--all right with the barrow there?' - -'All right, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Come along, then.' - -'Hold hard, Sir,' said Sam, raising the barrow. - -'Aye, aye,' replied Mr. Pickwick; and on they went, as briskly -as need be. - -'Keep that barrow back now,' cried Wardle, when it had been -hoisted over a stile into another field, and Mr. Pickwick had been -deposited in it once more. - -'All right, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, pausing. - -'Now, Winkle,' said the old gentleman, 'follow me softly, and -don't be too late this time.' - -'Never fear,' said Mr. Winkle. 'Are they pointing?' - -'No, no; not now. Quietly now, quietly.' On they crept, and -very quietly they would have advanced, if Mr. Winkle, in the -performance of some very intricate evolutions with his gun, had not -accidentally fired, at the most critical moment, over the boy's -head, exactly in the very spot where the tall man's brain would -have been, had he been there instead. - -'Why, what on earth did you do that for?' said old Wardle, as -the birds flew unharmed away. - -'I never saw such a gun in my life,' replied poor Mr. Winkle, -looking at the lock, as if that would do any good. 'It goes off of -its own accord. It WILL do it.' - -'Will do it!' echoed Wardle, with something of irritation in his -manner. 'I wish it would kill something of its own accord.' - -'It'll do that afore long, Sir,' observed the tall man, in a low, -prophetic voice. - -'What do you mean by that observation, Sir?' inquired Mr. -Winkle, angrily. - -'Never mind, Sir, never mind,' replied the long gamekeeper; -'I've no family myself, sir; and this here boy's mother will get -something handsome from Sir Geoffrey, if he's killed on his land. -Load again, Sir, load again.' - -'Take away his gun,' cried Mr. Pickwick from the barrow, -horror-stricken at the long man's dark insinuations. 'Take away -his gun, do you hear, somebody?' - -Nobody, however, volunteered to obey the command; and -Mr. Winkle, after darting a rebellious glance at Mr. Pickwick, -reloaded his gun, and proceeded onwards with the rest. - -We are bound, on the authority of Mr. Pickwick, to state, that -Mr. Tupman's mode of proceeding evinced far more of prudence -and deliberation, than that adopted by Mr. Winkle. Still, this by -no means detracts from the great authority of the latter gentleman, -on all matters connected with the field; because, as Mr. -Pickwick beautifully observes, it has somehow or other happened, -from time immemorial, that many of the best and ablest philosophers, -who have been perfect lights of science in matters of theory, -have been wholly unable to reduce them to practice. - -Mr. Tupman's process, like many of our most sublime discoveries, -was extremely simple. With the quickness and penetration of a -man of genius, he had at once observed that the two great points to -be attained were--first, to discharge his piece -without injury to himself, and, secondly, to do so, without -danger to the bystanders--obviously, the best thing to do, after -surmounting the difficulty of firing at all, was to shut his eyes -firmly, and fire into the air. - -On one occasion, after performing this feat, Mr. Tupman, on -opening his eyes, beheld a plump partridge in the act of falling, -wounded, to the ground. He was on the point of congratulating -Mr. Wardle on his invariable success, when that gentleman -advanced towards him, and grasped him warmly by the hand. - -'Tupman,' said the old gentleman, 'you singled out that -particular bird?' - -'No,' said Mr. Tupman--'no.' - -'You did,' said Wardle. 'I saw you do it--I observed you pick -him out--I noticed you, as you raised your piece to take aim; and -I will say this, that the best shot in existence could not have done -it more beautifully. You are an older hand at this than I thought -you, Tupman; you have been out before.' -It was in vain for Mr. Tupman to protest, with a smile of self- -denial, that he never had. The very smile was taken as evidence to -the contrary; and from that time forth his reputation was -established. It is not the only reputation that has been acquired -as easily, nor are such fortunate circumstances confined to -partridge-shooting. - -Meanwhile, Mr. Winkle flashed, and blazed, and smoked -away, without producing any material results worthy of being -noted down; sometimes expending his charge in mid-air, and at -others sending it skimming along so near the surface of the -ground as to place the lives of the two dogs on a rather uncertain -and precarious tenure. As a display of fancy-shooting, it was -extremely varied and curious; as an exhibition of firing with any -precise object, it was, upon the whole, perhaps a failure. It is an -established axiom, that 'every bullet has its billet.' If it apply in -an equal degree to shot, those of Mr. Winkle were unfortunate -foundlings, deprived of their natural rights, cast loose upon the -world, and billeted nowhere. -'Well,' said Wardle, walking up to the side of the barrow, and -wiping the streams of perspiration from his jolly red face; -'smoking day, isn't it?' - -'It is, indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. The sun is tremendously -hot, even to me. I don't know how you must feel it.' - -'Why,' said the old gentleman, 'pretty hot. It's past twelve, -though. You see that green hill there?' - -'Certainly.' - -'That's the place where we are to lunch; and, by Jove, there's -the boy with the basket, punctual as clockwork!' - -'So he is,' said Mr. Pickwick, brightening up. 'Good boy, that. -I'll give him a shilling, presently. Now, then, Sam, wheel away.' - -'Hold on, sir,' said Mr. Weller, invigorated with the prospect of -refreshments. 'Out of the vay, young leathers. If you walley my -precious life don't upset me, as the gen'l'm'n said to the driver -when they was a-carryin' him to Tyburn.' And quickening his -pace to a sharp run, Mr. Weller wheeled his master nimbly to the -green hill, shot him dexterously out by the very side of the basket, -and proceeded to unpack it with the utmost despatch. - -'Weal pie,' said Mr. Weller, soliloquising, as he arranged the -eatables on the grass. 'Wery good thing is weal pie, when you -know the lady as made it, and is quite sure it ain't kittens; and -arter all though, where's the odds, when they're so like weal that -the wery piemen themselves don't know the difference?' - -'Don't they, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not they, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, touching his hat. 'I lodged -in the same house vith a pieman once, sir, and a wery nice man -he was--reg'lar clever chap, too--make pies out o' anything, he -could. "What a number o' cats you keep, Mr. Brooks," says I, -when I'd got intimate with him. "Ah," says he, "I do--a good -many," says he, "You must be wery fond o' cats," says I. "Other -people is," says he, a-winkin' at me; "they ain't in season till the -winter though," says he. "Not in season!" says I. "No," says he, -"fruits is in, cats is out." "Why, what do you mean?" says I. -"Mean!" says he. "That I'll never be a party to the combination -o' the butchers, to keep up the price o' meat," says he. "Mr. -Weller," says he, a-squeezing my hand wery hard, and vispering -in my ear--"don't mention this here agin--but it's the seasonin' -as does it. They're all made o' them noble animals," says he, -a-pointin' to a wery nice little tabby kitten, "and I seasons 'em -for beefsteak, weal or kidney, 'cording to the demand. And more -than that," says he, "I can make a weal a beef-steak, or a beef- -steak a kidney, or any one on 'em a mutton, at a minute's notice, -just as the market changes, and appetites wary!"' - -'He must have been a very ingenious young man, that, Sam,' -said Mr. Pickwick, with a slight shudder. - -'Just was, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, continuing his occupation of -emptying the basket, 'and the pies was beautiful. Tongue--, well -that's a wery good thing when it ain't a woman's. Bread-- -knuckle o' ham, reg'lar picter--cold beef in slices, wery good. -What's in them stone jars, young touch-and-go?' - -'Beer in this one,' replied the boy, taking from his shoulder a -couple of large stone bottles, fastened together by a leathern -strap--'cold punch in t'other.' - -'And a wery good notion of a lunch it is, take it altogether,' -said Mr. Weller, surveying his arrangement of the repast with -great satisfaction. 'Now, gen'l'm'n, "fall on," as the English said -to the French when they fixed bagginets.' - -It needed no second invitation to induce the party to yield full -justice to the meal; and as little pressing did it require to induce -Mr. Weller, the long gamekeeper, and the two boys, to station -themselves on the grass, at a little distance, and do good execution -upon a decent proportion of the viands. An old oak afforded a -pleasant shelter to the group, and a rich prospect of arable and -meadow land, intersected with luxuriant hedges, and richly -ornamented with wood, lay spread out before them. - -'This is delightful--thoroughly delightful!' said Mr. Pickwick; -the skin of whose expressive countenance was rapidly peeling off, -with exposure to the sun. - -'So it is--so it is, old fellow,' replied Wardle. 'Come; a -glass of punch!' - -'With great pleasure,' said Mr. Pickwick; the satisfaction of -whose countenance, after drinking it, bore testimony to the -sincerity of the reply. - -'Good,' said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips. 'Very good. I'll -take another. Cool; very cool. Come, gentlemen,' continued -Mr. Pickwick, still retaining his hold upon the jar, 'a toast. Our -friends at Dingley Dell.' - -The toast was drunk with loud acclamations. - -'I'll tell you what I shall do, to get up my shooting again,' said -Mr. Winkle, who was eating bread and ham with a pocket-knife. -'I'll put a stuffed partridge on the top of a post, and practise at it, -beginning at a short distance, and lengthening it by degrees. I -understand it's capital practice.' - -'I know a gen'l'man, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, 'as did that, and -begun at two yards; but he never tried it on agin; for he blowed -the bird right clean away at the first fire, and nobody ever seed a -feather on him arterwards.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Have the goodness to reserve your anecdotes till they are -called for.' - -'Cert'nly, sir.' - -Here Mr. Weller winked the eye which was not concealed by -the beer-can he was raising to his lips, with such exquisite -facetiousness, that the two boys went into spontaneous convulsions, -and even the long man condescended to smile. - -'Well, that certainly is most capital cold punch,' said Mr. -Pickwick, looking earnestly at the stone bottle; 'and the day is -extremely warm, and-- Tupman, my dear friend, a glass of punch?' - -'With the greatest delight,' replied Mr. Tupman; and having -drank that glass, Mr. Pickwick took another, just to see whether -there was any orange peel in the punch, because orange peel -always disagreed with him; and finding that there was not, Mr. -Pickwick took another glass to the health of their absent friend, -and then felt himself imperatively called upon to propose another -in honour of the punch-compounder, unknown. - -This constant succession of glasses produced considerable -effect upon Mr. Pickwick; his countenance beamed with the most -sunny smiles, laughter played around his lips, and good-humoured -merriment twinkled in his eye. Yielding by degrees to the influence -of the exciting liquid, rendered more so by the heat, Mr. Pickwick -expressed a strong desire to recollect a song which he had heard in -his infancy, and the attempt proving abortive, sought to stimulate -his memory with more glasses of punch, which appeared to have quite -a contrary effect; for, from forgetting the words of the song, he began -to forget how to articulate any words at all; and finally, after rising -to his legs to address the company in an eloquent speech, he fell into -the barrow, and fast asleep, simultaneously. - -The basket having been repacked, and it being found perfectly -impossible to awaken Mr. Pickwick from his torpor, some -discussion took place whether it would be better for Mr. Weller to -wheel his master back again, or to leave him where he was, until -they should all be ready to return. The latter course was at -length decided on; and as the further expedition was not to -exceed an hour's duration, and as Mr. Weller begged very hard -to be one of the party, it was determined to leave Mr. Pickwick -asleep in the barrow, and to call for him on their return. So -away they went, leaving Mr. Pickwick snoring most comfortably -in the shade. - -That Mr. Pickwick would have continued to snore in the shade -until his friends came back, or, in default thereof, until the shades -of evening had fallen on the landscape, there appears no reasonable -cause to doubt; always supposing that he had been suffered -to remain there in peace. But he was NOT suffered to remain there -in peace. And this was what prevented him. - -Captain Boldwig was a little fierce man in a stiff black neckerchief -and blue surtout, who, when he did condescend to walk -about his property, did it in company with a thick rattan stick -with a brass ferrule, and a gardener and sub-gardener with meek -faces, to whom (the gardeners, not the stick) Captain Boldwig -gave his orders with all due grandeur and ferocity; for Captain -Boldwig's wife's sister had married a marquis, and the captain's -house was a villa, and his land 'grounds,' and it was all very high, -and mighty, and great. - -Mr. Pickwick had not been asleep half an hour when little -Captain Boldwig, followed by the two gardeners, came striding -along as fast as his size and importance would let him; and when -he came near the oak tree, Captain Boldwig paused and drew a -long breath, and looked at the prospect as if he thought the -prospect ought to be highly gratified at having him to take notice -of it; and then he struck the ground emphatically with his stick, -and summoned the head-gardener. - -'Hunt,' said Captain Boldwig. - -'Yes, Sir,' said the gardener. - -'Roll this place to-morrow morning--do you hear, Hunt?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'And take care that you keep this place in good order--do you -hear, Hunt?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'And remind me to have a board done about trespassers, and -spring guns, and all that sort of thing, to keep the common -people out. Do you hear, Hunt; do you hear?' - -'I'll not forget it, Sir.' - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said the other man, advancing, with -his hand to his hat. - -'Well, Wilkins, what's the matter with you?' said Captain Boldwig. - -'I beg your pardon, sir--but I think there have been trespassers -here to-day.' - -'Ha!' said the captain, scowling around him. - -'Yes, sir--they have been dining here, I think, sir.' - -'Why, damn their audacity, so they have,' said Captain -Boldwig, as the crumbs and fragments that were strewn upon the -grass met his eye. 'They have actually been devouring their food -here. I wish I had the vagabonds here!' said the captain, clenching -the thick stick. - -'I wish I had the vagabonds here,' said the captain wrathfully. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said Wilkins, 'but--' - -'But what? Eh?' roared the captain; and following the timid -glance of Wilkins, his eyes encountered the wheel-barrow and -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Who are you, you rascal?' said the captain, administering -several pokes to Mr. Pickwick's body with the thick stick. -'What's your name?' - -'Cold punch,' murmured Mr. Pickwick, as he sank to sleep again. - -'What?' demanded Captain Boldwig. - -No reply. - -'What did he say his name was?' asked the captain. - -'Punch, I think, sir,' replied Wilkins. - -'That's his impudence--that's his confounded impudence,' said -Captain Boldwig. 'He's only feigning to be asleep now,' said the -captain, in a high passion. 'He's drunk; he's a drunken plebeian. -Wheel him away, Wilkins, wheel him away directly.' -'Where shall I wheel him to, sir?' inquired Wilkins, with -great timidity. - -'Wheel him to the devil,' replied Captain Boldwig. - -'Very well, sir,' said Wilkins. - -'Stay,' said the captain. - -Wilkins stopped accordingly. - -'Wheel him,' said the captain--'wheel him to the pound; and -let us see whether he calls himself Punch when he comes to -himself. He shall not bully me--he shall not bully me. Wheel him away.' - -Away Mr. Pickwick was wheeled in compliance with this -imperious mandate; and the great Captain Boldwig, swelling -with indignation, proceeded on his walk. - -Inexpressible was the astonishment of the little party when -they returned, to find that Mr. Pickwick had disappeared, and -taken the wheel-barrow with him. It was the most mysterious and -unaccountable thing that was ever heard of For a lame man to -have got upon his legs without any previous notice, and walked -off, would have been most extraordinary; but when it came to his -wheeling a heavy barrow before him, by way of amusement, it -grew positively miraculous. They searched every nook and -corner round, together and separately; they shouted, whistled, -laughed, called--and all with the same result. Mr. Pickwick was -not to be found. After some hours of fruitless search, they -arrived at the unwelcome conclusion that they must go home -without him. - -Meanwhile Mr. Pickwick had been wheeled to the pound, and -safely deposited therein, fast asleep in the wheel-barrow, to the -immeasurable delight and satisfaction not only of all the boys in -the village, but three-fourths of the whole population, who had -gathered round, in expectation of his waking. If their most -intense gratification had been awakened by seeing him wheeled -in, how many hundredfold was their joy increased when, after a -few indistinct cries of 'Sam!' he sat up in the barrow, and gazed -with indescribable astonishment on the faces before him. - -A general shout was of course the signal of his having woke up; -and his involuntary inquiry of 'What's the matter?' occasioned -another, louder than the first, if possible. - -'Here's a game!' roared the populace. - -'Where am I?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'In the pound,' replied the mob. - -'How came I here? What was I doing? Where was I brought from?' -'Boldwig! Captain Boldwig!' was the only reply. - -'Let me out,' cried Mr. Pickwick. 'Where's my servant? -Where are my friends?' - -'You ain't got no friends. Hurrah!' Then there came a turnip, -then a potato, and then an egg; with a few other little tokens of -the playful disposition of the many-headed. - -How long this scene might have lasted, or how much Mr. -Pickwick might have suffered, no one can tell, had not a carriage, -which was driving swiftly by, suddenly pulled up, from whence -there descended old Wardle and Sam Weller, the former of -whom, in far less time than it takes to write it, if not to read it, -had made his way to Mr. Pickwick's side, and placed him in the -vehicle, just as the latter had concluded the third and last round -of a single combat with the town-beadle. - -'Run to the justice's!' cried a dozen voices. - -'Ah, run avay,' said Mr. Weller, jumping up on the box. 'Give -my compliments--Mr. Veller's compliments--to the justice, and -tell him I've spiled his beadle, and that, if he'll swear in a new 'un, -I'll come back again to-morrow and spile him. Drive on, old feller.' - -'I'll give directions for the commencement of an action for false -imprisonment against this Captain Boldwig, directly I get to -London,' said Mr. Pickwick, as soon as the carriage turned out of -the town. - -'We were trespassing, it seems,' said Wardle. - -'I don't care,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I'll bring the action.' - -'No, you won't,' said Wardle. - -'I will, by--' But as there was a humorous expression in -Wardle's face, Mr. Pickwick checked himself, and said, 'Why -not?' - -'Because,' said old Wardle, half-bursting with laughter, -'because they might turn on some of us, and say we had taken too -much cold punch.' - -Do what he would, a smile would come into Mr. Pickwick's -face; the smile extended into a laugh; the laugh into a roar; the -roar became general. So, to keep up their good-humour, they -stopped at the first roadside tavern they came to, and ordered a -glass of brandy-and-water all round, with a magnum of extra -strength for Mr. Samuel Weller. - - - -CHAPTER XX -SHOWING HOW DODSON AND FOGG WERE MEN OF - BUSINESS, AND THEIR CLERKS MEN OF PLEASURE; AND - HOW AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW TOOK PLACE BETWEEN - Mr. WELLER AND HIS LONG-LOST PARENT; SHOWING ALSO - WHAT CHOICE SPIRITS ASSEMBLED AT THE MAGPIE AND - STUMP, AND WHAT A CAPITAL CHAPTER THE NEXT ONE - WILL BE - - -In the ground-floor front of a dingy house, at the very farthest end -of Freeman's Court, Cornhill, sat the four clerks of Messrs. Dodson -& Fogg, two of his Majesty's attorneys of the courts of King's Bench -and Common Pleas at Westminster, and solicitors of the High Court of -Chancery--the aforesaid clerks catching as favourable glimpses of -heaven's light and heaven's sun, in the course of their daily -labours, as a man might hope to do, were he placed at the bottom -of a reasonably deep well; and without the opportunity of perceiving -the stars in the day-time, which the latter secluded situation affords. - -The clerks' office of Messrs. Dodson & Fogg was a dark, -mouldy, earthy-smelling room, with a high wainscotted partition -to screen the clerks from the vulgar gaze, a couple of old wooden -chairs, a very loud-ticking clock, an almanac, an umbrella-stand, -a row of hat-pegs, and a few shelves, on which were deposited -several ticketed bundles of dirty papers, some old deal boxes with -paper labels, and sundry decayed stone ink bottles of various -shapes and sizes. There was a glass door leading into the passage -which formed the entrance to the court, and on the outer side of -this glass door, Mr. Pickwick, closely followed by Sam Weller, -presented himself on the Friday morning succeeding the occurrence -of which a faithful narration is given in the last chapter. - -'Come in, can't you!' cried a voice from behind the partition, -in reply to Mr. Pickwick's gentle tap at the door. And Mr. -Pickwick and Sam entered accordingly. - -'Mr. Dodson or Mr. Fogg at home, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, -gently, advancing, hat in hand, towards the partition. - -'Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particularly -engaged,' replied the voice; and at the same time the head to -which the voice belonged, with a pen behind its ear, looked over -the partition, and at Mr. Pickwick. - -it was a ragged head, the sandy hair of which, scrupulously -parted on one side, and flattened down with pomatum, was -twisted into little semi-circular tails round a flat face ornamented -with a pair of small eyes, and garnished with a very dirty shirt -collar, and a rusty black stock. - -'Mr. Dodson ain't at home, and Mr. Fogg's particularly -engaged,' said the man to whom the head belonged. - -'When will Mr. Dodson be back, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. -'Can't say.' - -'Will it be long before Mr. Fogg is disengaged, Sir?' - -'Don't know.' - -Here the man proceeded to mend his pen with great deliberation, -while another clerk, who was mixing a Seidlitz powder, -under cover of the lid of his desk, laughed approvingly. - -'I think I'll wait,' said Mr. Pickwick. There was no reply; so -Mr. Pickwick sat down unbidden, and listened to the loud ticking -of the clock and the murmured conversation of the clerks. - -'That was a game, wasn't it?' said one of the gentlemen, in a -brown coat and brass buttons, inky drabs, and bluchers, at the -conclusion of some inaudible relation of his previous evening's -adventures. - -'Devilish good--devilish good,' said the Seidlitz-powder man. -'Tom Cummins was in the chair,' said the man with the brown -coat. 'It was half-past four when I got to Somers Town, and then -I was so uncommon lushy, that I couldn't find the place where the -latch-key went in, and was obliged to knock up the old 'ooman. -I say, I wonder what old Fogg 'ud say, if he knew it. I should get -the sack, I s'pose--eh?' - -At this humorous notion, all the clerks laughed in concert. - -'There was such a game with Fogg here, this mornin',' said the -man in the brown coat, 'while Jack was upstairs sorting the -papers, and you two were gone to the stamp-office. Fogg was -down here, opening the letters when that chap as we issued the -writ against at Camberwell, you know, came in--what's his -name again?' - -'Ramsey,' said the clerk who had spoken to Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, Ramsey--a precious seedy-looking customer. "Well, sir," -says old Fogg, looking at him very fierce--you know his way-- -"well, Sir, have you come to settle?" "Yes, I have, sir," said -Ramsey, putting his hand in his pocket, and bringing out the -money, "the debt's two pound ten, and the costs three pound -five, and here it is, Sir;" and he sighed like bricks, as he lugged out -the money, done up in a bit of blotting-paper. Old Fogg looked -first at the money, and then at him, and then he coughed in his -rum way, so that I knew something was coming. "You don't -know there's a declaration filed, which increases the costs -materially, I suppose," said Fogg. "You don't say that, sir," -said Ramsey, starting back; "the time was only out last night, -Sir." "I do say it, though," said Fogg, "my clerk's just gone to -file it. Hasn't Mr. Jackson gone to file that declaration in -Bullman and Ramsey, Mr. Wicks?" Of course I said yes, and -then Fogg coughed again, and looked at Ramsey. "My God!" -said Ramsey; "and here have I nearly driven myself mad, scraping -this money together, and all to no purpose." "None at all," said -Fogg coolly; "so you had better go back and scrape some more -together, and bring it here in time." "I can't get it, by God!" said -Ramsey, striking the desk with his fist. "Don't bully me, sir," -said Fogg, getting into a passion on purpose. "I am not bullying -you, sir," said Ramsey. "You are," said Fogg; "get out, sir; get -out of this office, Sir, and come back, Sir, when you know how to -behave yourself." Well, Ramsey tried to speak, but Fogg wouldn't -let him, so he put the money in his pocket, and sneaked out. The -door was scarcely shut, when old Fogg turned round to me, with -a sweet smile on his face, and drew the declaration out of his coat -pocket. "Here, Wicks," says Fogg, "take a cab, and go down to -the Temple as quick as you can, and file that. The costs are quite -safe, for he's a steady man with a large family, at a salary of -five-and-twenty shillings a week, and if he gives us a warrant of -attorney, as he must in the end, I know his employers will see it -paid; so we may as well get all we can get out of him, Mr. Wicks; -it's a Christian act to do it, Mr. Wicks, for with his large family -and small income, he'll be all the better for a good lesson against -getting into debt--won't he, Mr. Wicks, won't he?"--and he -smiled so good-naturedly as he went away, that it was delightful -to see him. He is a capital man of business,' said Wicks, in a tone -of the deepest admiration, 'capital, isn't he?' - -The other three cordially subscribed to this opinion, and the -anecdote afforded the most unlimited satisfaction. - -'Nice men these here, Sir,' whispered Mr. Weller to his master; -'wery nice notion of fun they has, Sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick nodded assent, and coughed to attract the -attention of the young gentlemen behind the partition, who, -having now relaxed their minds by a little conversation among -themselves, condescended to take some notice of the stranger. - -'I wonder whether Fogg's disengaged now?' said Jackson. - -'I'll see,' said Wicks, dismounting leisurely from his stool. -'What name shall I tell Mr. Fogg?' - -'Pickwick,' replied the illustrious subject of these memoirs. - -Mr. Jackson departed upstairs on his errand, and immediately -returned with a message that Mr. Fogg would see Mr. Pickwick -in five minutes; and having delivered it, returned again to his desk. - -'What did he say his name was?' whispered Wicks. - -'Pickwick,' replied Jackson; 'it's the defendant in Bardell -and Pickwick.' - -A sudden scraping of feet, mingled with the sound of suppressed -laughter, was heard from behind the partition. - -'They're a-twiggin' of you, Sir,' whispered Mr. Weller. - -'Twigging of me, Sam!' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'what do you -mean by twigging me?' - -Mr. Weller replied by pointing with his thumb over his -shoulder, and Mr. Pickwick, on looking up, became sensible of -the pleasing fact, that all the four clerks, with countenances -expressive of the utmost amusement, and with their heads thrust -over the wooden screen, were minutely inspecting the figure and -general appearance of the supposed trifler with female hearts, and -disturber of female happiness. On his looking up, the row of heads -suddenly disappeared, and the sound of pens travelling at a -furious rate over paper, immediately succeeded. - -A sudden ring at the bell which hung in the office, summoned -Mr. Jackson to the apartment of Fogg, from whence he came -back to say that he (Fogg) was ready to see Mr. Pickwick if he -would step upstairs. -Upstairs Mr. Pickwick did step accordingly, leaving Sam -Weller below. The room door of the one-pair back, bore -inscribed in legible characters the imposing words, 'Mr. Fogg'; and, -having tapped thereat, and been desired to come in, Jackson -ushered Mr. Pickwick into the presence. - -'Is Mr. Dodson in?' inquired Mr. Fogg. - -'Just come in, Sir,' replied Jackson. - -'Ask him to step here.' - -'Yes, sir.' Exit Jackson. - -'Take a seat, sir,' said Fogg; 'there is the paper, sir; my partner -will be here directly, and we can converse about this matter, sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick took a seat and the paper, but, instead of -reading the latter, peeped over the top of it, and took a survey of -the man of business, who was an elderly, pimply-faced, vegetable- -diet sort of man, in a black coat, dark mixture trousers, and -small black gaiters; a kind of being who seemed to be an essential -part of the desk at which he was writing, and to have as much -thought or feeling. - -After a few minutes' silence, Mr. Dodson, a plump, portly, -stern-looking man, with a loud voice, appeared; and the -conversation commenced. - -'This is Mr. Pickwick,' said Fogg. - -'Ah! You are the defendant, Sir, in Bardell and Pickwick?' -said Dodson. - -'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, sir,' said Dodson, 'and what do you propose?' - -'Ah!' said Fogg, thrusting his hands into his trousers' pockets, -and throwing himself back in his chair, 'what do you propose, -Mr Pickwick?' - -'Hush, Fogg,' said Dodson, 'let me hear what Mr. Pickwick has -to say.' - -'I came, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, gazing placidly on the -two partners, 'I came here, gentlemen, to express the surprise with -which I received your letter of the other day, and to inquire what -grounds of action you can have against me.' - -'Grounds of--' Fogg had ejaculated this much, when he was -stopped by Dodson. - -'Mr. Fogg,' said Dodson, 'I am going to speak.' -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Dodson,' said Fogg. - -'For the grounds of action, sir,' continued Dodson, with moral -elevation in his air, 'you will consult your own conscience and -your own feelings. We, Sir, we, are guided entirely by the statement -of our client. That statement, Sir, may be true, or it may be -false; it may be credible, or it may be incredible; but, if it be true, -and if it be credible, I do not hesitate to say, Sir, that our grounds -of action, Sir, are strong, and not to be shaken. You may be an -unfortunate man, Sir, or you may be a designing one; but if I were -called upon, as a juryman upon my oath, Sir, to express an -opinion of your conduct, Sir, I do not hesitate to assert that I -should have but one opinion about it.' Here Dodson drew himself -up, with an air of offended virtue, and looked at Fogg, -who thrust his hands farther in his pockets, and nodding -his head sagely, said, in a tone of the fullest concurrence, -'Most certainly.' - -'Well, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable pain depicted -in his countenance, 'you will permit me to assure you that I am a -most unfortunate man, so far as this case is concerned.' - -'I hope you are, Sir,' replied Dodson; 'I trust you may be, Sir. -If you are really innocent of what is laid to your charge, you are -more unfortunate than I had believed any man could possibly be. -What do you say, Mr. Fogg?' - -'I say precisely what you say,' replied Fogg, with a smile -of incredulity. - -'The writ, Sir, which commences the action,' continued -Dodson, 'was issued regularly. Mr. Fogg, where is the PRAECIPE book?' - -'Here it is,' said Fogg, handing over a square book, with a -parchment cover. - -'Here is the entry,' resumed Dodson. '"Middlesex, Capias -MARTHA BARDELL, WIDOW, v. SAMUEL PICKWICK. Damages #1500. -Dodson & Fogg for the plaintiff, Aug. 28, 1827." All regular, Sir; -perfectly.' Dodson coughed and looked at Fogg, who said -'Perfectly,' also. And then they both looked at Mr. Pickwick. - -'I am to understand, then,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that it really is -your intention to proceed with this action?' - -'Understand, sir!--that you certainly may,' replied Dodson, -with something as near a smile as his importance would allow. - -'And that the damages are actually laid at fifteen hundred pounds?' -said Mr. Pickwick. - -'To which understanding you may add my assurance, that if -we could have prevailed upon our client, they would have been -laid at treble the amount, sir,' replied Dodson. -'I believe Mrs. Bardell specially said, however,' observed Fogg, -glancing at Dodson, 'that she would not compromise for a -farthing less.' - -'Unquestionably,' replied Dodson sternly. For the action was -only just begun; and it wouldn't have done to let Mr. Pickwick -compromise it then, even if he had been so disposed. - -'As you offer no terms, sir,' said Dodson, displaying a slip of -parchment in his right hand, and affectionately pressing a paper -copy of it, on Mr. Pickwick with his left, 'I had better serve you -with a copy of this writ, sir. Here is the original, sir.' - -'Very well, gentlemen, very well,' said Mr. Pickwick, rising in -person and wrath at the same time; 'you shall hear from my -solicitor, gentlemen.' - -'We shall be very happy to do so,' said Fogg, rubbing his hands. - -'Very,' said Dodson, opening the door. - -'And before I go, gentlemen,' said the excited Mr. Pickwick, -turning round on the landing, 'permit me to say, that of all the -disgraceful and rascally proceedings--' - -'Stay, sir, stay,' interposed Dodson, with great politeness. -'Mr. Jackson! Mr. Wicks!' - -'Sir,' said the two clerks, appearing at the bottom of the stairs. - -'I merely want you to hear what this gentleman says,' replied -Dodson. 'Pray, go on, sir--disgraceful and rascally proceedings, -I think you said?' - -'I did,' said Mr. Pickwick, thoroughly roused. 'I said, Sir, that -of all the disgraceful and rascally proceedings that ever were -attempted, this is the most so. I repeat it, sir.' - -'You hear that, Mr. Wicks,' said Dodson. - -'You won't forget these expressions, Mr. Jackson?' said Fogg. - -'Perhaps you would like to call us swindlers, sir,' said Dodson. -'Pray do, Sir, if you feel disposed; now pray do, Sir.' - -'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'You ARE swindlers.' - -'Very good,' said Dodson. 'You can hear down there, I hope, -Mr. Wicks?' - -'Oh, yes, Sir,' said Wicks. - -'You had better come up a step or two higher, if you can't,' -added Mr. Fogg. 'Go on, Sir; do go on. You had better call us -thieves, Sir; or perhaps You would like to assault one Of US. Pray -do it, Sir, if you would; we will not make the smallest resistance. -Pray do it, Sir.' - -As Fogg put himself very temptingly within the reach of Mr. -Pickwick's clenched fist, there is little doubt that that gentleman -would have complied with his earnest entreaty, but for the -interposition of Sam, who, hearing the dispute, emerged from the -office, mounted the stairs, and seized his master by the arm. - -'You just come away,' said Mr. Weller. 'Battledore and -shuttlecock's a wery good game, vhen you ain't the shuttlecock -and two lawyers the battledores, in which case it gets too excitin' -to be pleasant. Come avay, Sir. If you want to ease your mind by -blowing up somebody, come out into the court and blow up me; -but it's rayther too expensive work to be carried on here.' - -And without the slightest ceremony, Mr. Weller hauled his -master down the stairs, and down the court, and having safely -deposited him in Cornhill, fell behind, prepared to follow -whithersoever he should lead. - -Mr. Pickwick walked on abstractedly, crossed opposite the -Mansion House, and bent his steps up Cheapside. Sam began to -wonder where they were going, when his master turned round, -and said-- - -'Sam, I will go immediately to Mr. Perker's.' - -'That's just exactly the wery place vere you ought to have gone -last night, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I think it is, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'I KNOW it is,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Well, well, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'we will go there at -once; but first, as I have been rather ruffled, I should like a glass -of brandy-and-water warm, Sam. Where can I have it, Sam?' - -Mr. Weller's knowledge of London was extensive and peculiar. -He replied, without the slightest consideration-- - -'Second court on the right hand side--last house but vun on -the same side the vay--take the box as stands in the first fireplace, -'cos there ain't no leg in the middle o' the table, which all the -others has, and it's wery inconvenient.' - -Mr. Pickwick observed his valet's directions implicitly, and -bidding Sam follow him, entered the tavern he had pointed out, -where the hot brandy-and-water was speedily placed before him; -while Mr. Weller, seated at a respectful distance, though at the -same table with his master, was accommodated with a pint of porter. - -The room was one of a very homely description, and was -apparently under the especial patronage of stage-coachmen; for -several gentleman, who had all the appearance of belonging to -that learned profession, were drinking and smoking in the -different boxes. Among the number was one stout, red-faced, -elderly man, in particular, seated in an opposite box, who -attracted Mr. Pickwick's attention. The stout man was smoking -with great vehemence, but between every half-dozen puffs, he -took his pipe from his mouth, and looked first at Mr. Weller and -then at Mr. Pickwick. Then, he would bury in a quart pot, as -much of his countenance as the dimensions of the quart pot -admitted of its receiving, and take another look at Sam and -Mr. Pickwick. Then he would take another half-dozen puffs with -an air of profound meditation and look at them again. At last the -stout man, putting up his legs on the seat, and leaning his back -against the wall, began to puff at his pipe without leaving off at -all, and to stare through the smoke at the new-comers, as if he -had made up his mind to see the most he could of them. - -At first the evolutions of the stout man had escaped Mr. -Weller's observation, but by degrees, as he saw Mr. Pickwick's -eyes every now and then turning towards him, he began to gaze -in the same direction, at the same time shading his eyes with his -hand, as if he partially recognised the object before him, and -wished to make quite sure of its identity. His doubts were -speedily dispelled, however; for the stout man having blown a -thick cloud from his pipe, a hoarse voice, like some strange effort -of ventriloquism, emerged from beneath the capacious shawls -which muffled his throat and chest, and slowly uttered these -sounds--'Wy, Sammy!' - -'Who's that, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, I wouldn't ha' believed it, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, with -astonished eyes. 'It's the old 'un.' - -'Old one,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What old one?' - -'My father, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'How are you, my ancient?' -And with this beautiful ebullition of filial affection, Mr. Weller -made room on the seat beside him, for the stout man, who -advanced pipe in mouth and pot in hand, to greet him. - -'Wy, Sammy,' said the father, 'I ha'n't seen you, for two year -and better.' - -'Nor more you have, old codger,' replied the son. 'How's -mother-in-law?' - -'Wy, I'll tell you what, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, senior, with -much solemnity in his manner; 'there never was a nicer woman -as a widder, than that 'ere second wentur o' mine--a sweet -creetur she was, Sammy; all I can say on her now, is, that as she -was such an uncommon pleasant widder, it's a great pity she ever -changed her condition. She don't act as a vife, Sammy.' -'Don't she, though?' inquired Mr. Weller, junior. - -The elder Mr. Weller shook his head, as he replied with a sigh, -'I've done it once too often, Sammy; I've done it once too often. -Take example by your father, my boy, and be wery careful o' -widders all your life, 'specially if they've kept a public-house, -Sammy.' Having delivered this parental advice with great pathos, -Mr. Weller, senior, refilled his pipe from a tin box he carried in -his pocket; and, lighting his fresh pipe from the ashes of the old -One, commenced smoking at a great rate. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' he said, renewing the subject, and -addressing Mr. Pickwick, after a considerable pause, 'nothin' -personal, I hope, sir; I hope you ha'n't got a widder, sir.' - -'Not I,' replied Mr. Pickwick, laughing; and while Mr. Pickwick -laughed, Sam Weller informed his parent in a whisper, of -the relation in which he stood towards that gentleman. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' said Mr. Weller, senior, taking off his -hat, 'I hope you've no fault to find with Sammy, Sir?' - -'None whatever,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery glad to hear it, sir,' replied the old man; 'I took a good -deal o' pains with his eddication, sir; let him run in the streets -when he was wery young, and shift for hisself. It's the only way -to make a boy sharp, sir.' - -'Rather a dangerous process, I should imagine,' said Mr. -Pickwick, with a smile. - -'And not a wery sure one, neither,' added Mr. Weller; 'I got -reg'larly done the other day.' - -'No!' said his father. - -'I did,' said the son; and he proceeded to relate, in as few -words as possible, how he had fallen a ready dupe to the stratagems -of Job Trotter. - -Mr. Weller, senior, listened to the tale with the most profound -attention, and, at its termination, said-- - -'Worn't one o' these chaps slim and tall, with long hair, and -the gift o' the gab wery gallopin'?' - -Mr. Pickwick did not quite understand the last item of description, -but, comprehending the first, said 'Yes,' at a venture. - -'T' other's a black-haired chap in mulberry livery, with a wery -large head?' - -'Yes, yes, he is,' said Mr. Pickwick and Sam, with great earnestness. -'Then I know where they are, and that's all about it,' said -Mr. Weller; 'they're at Ipswich, safe enough, them two.' - -'No!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fact,' said Mr. Weller, 'and I'll tell you how I know it. I work -an Ipswich coach now and then for a friend o' mine. I worked -down the wery day arter the night as you caught the rheumatic, -and at the Black Boy at Chelmsford--the wery place they'd -come to--I took 'em up, right through to Ipswich, where the -man-servant--him in the mulberries--told me they was a-goin' -to put up for a long time.' - -'I'll follow him,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'we may as well see -Ipswich as any other place. I'll follow him.' - -'You're quite certain it was them, governor?' inquired Mr. -Weller, junior. - -'Quite, Sammy, quite,' replied his father, 'for their appearance -is wery sing'ler; besides that 'ere, I wondered to see the gen'l'm'n -so formiliar with his servant; and, more than that, as they sat in -the front, right behind the box, I heerd 'em laughing and saying -how they'd done old Fireworks.' - -'Old who?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Old Fireworks, Sir; by which, I've no doubt, they meant you, Sir.' -There is nothing positively vile or atrocious in the appellation -of 'old Fireworks,' but still it is by no means a respectful or -flattering designation. The recollection of all the wrongs he had -sustained at Jingle's hands, had crowded on Mr. Pickwick's -mind, the moment Mr. Weller began to speak; it wanted but a -feather to turn the scale, and 'old Fireworks' did it. - -'I'll follow him,' said Mr. Pickwick, with an emphatic blow on -the table. - -'I shall work down to Ipswich the day arter to-morrow, Sir,' -said Mr. Weller the elder, 'from the Bull in Whitechapel; and if -you really mean to go, you'd better go with me.' - -'So we had,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'very true; I can write to Bury, -and tell them to meet me at Ipswich. We will go with you. But -don't hurry away, Mr. Weller; won't you take anything?' - -'You're wery good, Sir,' replied Mr. W., stopping short;-- -'perhaps a small glass of brandy to drink your health, and success -to Sammy, Sir, wouldn't be amiss.' - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'A glass of brandy -here!' The brandy was brought; and Mr. Weller, after pulling his -hair to Mr. Pickwick, and nodding to Sam, jerked it down his -capacious throat as if it had been a small thimbleful. -'Well done, father,' said Sam, 'take care, old fellow, or you'll -have a touch of your old complaint, the gout.' - -'I've found a sov'rin' cure for that, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, -setting down the glass. - -'A sovereign cure for the gout,' said Mr. Pickwick, hastily -producing his note-book--'what is it?' - -'The gout, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'the gout is a complaint as -arises from too much ease and comfort. If ever you're attacked -with the gout, sir, jist you marry a widder as has got a good loud -woice, with a decent notion of usin' it, and you'll never have the -gout agin. It's a capital prescription, sir. I takes it reg'lar, and I -can warrant it to drive away any illness as is caused by too much -jollity.' Having imparted this valuable secret, Mr. Weller drained -his glass once more, produced a laboured wink, sighed deeply, -and slowly retired. - -'Well, what do you think of what your father says, Sam?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. - -'Think, Sir!' replied Mr. Weller; 'why, I think he's the wictim -o' connubiality, as Blue Beard's domestic chaplain said, vith a -tear of pity, ven he buried him.' - -There was no replying to this very apposite conclusion, and, -therefore, Mr. Pickwick, after settling the reckoning, resumed his -walk to Gray's Inn. By the time he reached its secluded groves, -however, eight o'clock had struck, and the unbroken stream of -gentlemen in muddy high-lows, soiled white hats, and rusty -apparel, who were pouring towards the different avenues of -egress, warned him that the majority of the offices had closed for -that day. - -After climbing two pairs of steep and dirty stairs, he found his -anticipations were realised. Mr. Perker's 'outer door' was closed; -and the dead silence which followed Mr. Weller's repeated kicks -thereat, announced that the officials had retired from business for -the night. - -'This is pleasant, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I shouldn't lose -an hour in seeing him; I shall not be able to get one wink -of sleep to-night, I know, unless I have the satisfaction of -reflecting that I have confided this matter to a professional man.' - -'Here's an old 'ooman comin' upstairs, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; -'p'raps she knows where we can find somebody. Hollo, old lady, -vere's Mr. Perker's people?' - -'Mr. Perker's people,' said a thin, miserable-looking old -woman, stopping to recover breath after the ascent of the -staircase--'Mr. Perker's people's gone, and I'm a-goin' to -do the office out.' -'Are you Mr. Perker's servant?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I am Mr. Perker's laundress,' replied the woman. - -'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, half aside to Sam, 'it's a curious -circumstance, Sam, that they call the old women in these inns, -laundresses. I wonder what's that for?' - -''Cos they has a mortal awersion to washing anythin', I -suppose, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I shouldn't wonder,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at the old -woman, whose appearance, as well as the condition of the office, -which she had by this time opened, indicated a rooted antipathy -to the application of soap and water; 'do you know where I can -find Mr. Perker, my good woman?' - -'No, I don't,' replied the old woman gruffly; 'he's out o' town now.' - -'That's unfortunate,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'where's his clerk? -Do you know?' - -'Yes, I know where he is, but he won't thank me for telling -you,' replied the laundress. - -'I have very particular business with him,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Won't it do in the morning?' said the woman. - -'Not so well,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well,' said the old woman, 'if it was anything very particular, -I was to say where he was, so I suppose there's no harm in -telling. If you just go to the Magpie and Stump, and ask at the -bar for Mr. Lowten, they'll show you in to him, and he's Mr. -Perker's clerk.' - -With this direction, and having been furthermore informed -that the hostelry in question was situated in a court, happy in the -double advantage of being in the vicinity of Clare Market, and -closely approximating to the back of New Inn, Mr. Pickwick and -Sam descended the rickety staircase in safety, and issued forth in -quest of the Magpie and Stump. - -This favoured tavern, sacred to the evening orgies of Mr. -Lowten and his companions, was what ordinary people would -designate a public-house. That the landlord was a man of money- -making turn was sufficiently testified by the fact of a small bulkhead -beneath the tap-room window, in size and shape not unlike -a sedan-chair, being underlet to a mender of shoes: and that he -was a being of a philanthropic mind was evident from the -protection he afforded to a pieman, who vended his delicacies -without fear of interruption, on the very door-step. In the lower -windows, which were decorated with curtains of a saffron hue, -dangled two or three printed cards, bearing reference to Devonshire -cider and Dantzic spruce, while a large blackboard, -announcing in white letters to an enlightened public, that there -were 500,000 barrels of double stout in the cellars of the establishment, -left the mind in a state of not unpleasing doubt and -uncertainty as to the precise direction in the bowels of the earth, in -which this mighty cavern might be supposed to extend. When we -add that the weather-beaten signboard bore the half-obliterated -semblance of a magpie intently eyeing a crooked streak of brown -paint, which the neighbours had been taught from infancy to -consider as the 'stump,' we have said all that need be said of the -exterior of the edifice. - -On Mr. Pickwick's presenting himself at the bar, an elderly -female emerged from behind the screen therein, and presented -herself before him. - -'Is Mr. Lowten here, ma'am?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, he is, Sir,' replied the landlady. 'Here, Charley, show the -gentleman in to Mr. Lowten.' - -'The gen'l'm'n can't go in just now,' said a shambling pot-boy, -with a red head, 'cos' Mr. Lowten's a-singin' a comic song, and -he'll put him out. He'll be done directly, Sir.' - -The red-headed pot-boy had scarcely finished speaking, -when a most unanimous hammering of tables, and jingling of -glasses, announced that the song had that instant terminated; -and Mr. Pickwick, after desiring Sam to solace himself in -the tap, suffered himself to be conducted into the presence of Mr. -Lowten. - -At the announcement of 'A gentleman to speak to you, Sir,' a -puffy-faced young man, who filled the chair at the head of the -table, looked with some surprise in the direction from whence -the voice proceeded; and the surprise seemed to be by no means -diminished, when his eyes rested on an individual whom he had -never seen before. - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and I am very -sorry to disturb the other gentlemen, too, but I come on very -particular business; and if you will suffer me to detain you at this -end of the room for five minutes, I shall be very much obliged to you.' - -The puffy-faced young man rose, and drawing a chair close to -Mr. Pickwick in an obscure corner of the room, listened attentively -to his tale of woe. - -'Ah,'he said, when Mr. Pickwick had concluded, 'Dodson and -Fogg--sharp practice theirs--capital men of business, Dodson -and Fogg, sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick admitted the sharp practice of Dodson and -Fogg, and Lowten resumed. -'Perker ain't in town, and he won't be, neither, before the end -of next week; but if you want the action defended, and will leave -the copy with me, I can do all that's needful till he comes back.' - -'That's exactly what I came here for,' said Mr. Pickwick, -handing over the document. 'If anything particular occurs, you -can write to me at the post-office, Ipswich.' - -'That's all right,' replied Mr. Perker's clerk; and then seeing -Mr. Pickwick's eye wandering curiously towards the table, he -added, 'will you join us, for half an hour or so? We are capital -company here to-night. There's Samkin and Green's managing- -clerk, and Smithers and Price's chancery, and Pimkin and -Thomas's out o' doors--sings a capital song, he does--and Jack -Bamber, and ever so many more. You're come out of the country, -I suppose. Would you like to join us?' - -Mr. Pickwick could not resist so tempting an opportunity of -studying human nature. He suffered himself to be led to the table, -where, after having been introduced to the company in due form, -he was accommodated with a seat near the chairman and called -for a glass of his favourite beverage. - -A profound silence, quite contrary to Mr. Pickwick's expectation, -succeeded. -'You don't find this sort of thing disagreeable, I hope, sir?' -said his right hand neighbour, a gentleman in a checked shirt and -Mosaic studs, with a cigar in his mouth. - -'Not in the least,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I like it very much, -although I am no smoker myself.' - -'I should be very sorry to say I wasn't,' interposed another -gentleman on the opposite side of the table. 'It's board and -lodgings to me, is smoke.' - -Mr. Pickwick glanced at the speaker, and thought that if it -were washing too, it would be all the better. - -Here there was another pause. Mr. Pickwick was a stranger, -and his coming had evidently cast a damp upon the party. - -'Mr. Grundy's going to oblige the company with a song,' said -the chairman. - -'No, he ain't,' said Mr. Grundy. - -'Why not?' said the chairman. - -'Because he can't,' said Mr. Grundy. -'You had better say he won't,' replied the chairman. - -'Well, then, he won't,' retorted Mr. Grundy. Mr. Grundy's -positive refusal to gratify the company occasioned another silence. -'Won't anybody enliven us?' said the chairman, despondingly. - -'Why don't you enliven us yourself, Mr. Chairman?' said a -young man with a whisker, a squint, and an open shirt collar -(dirty), from the bottom of the table. - -'Hear! hear!' said the smoking gentleman, in the Mosaic jewellery. - -'Because I only know one song, and I have sung it already, and -it's a fine of "glasses round" to sing the same song twice in a -night,' replied the chairman. - -This was an unanswerable reply, and silence prevailed again. - -'I have been to-night, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, hoping -to start a subject which all the company could take a part in -discussing, 'I have been to-night, in a place which you all know -very well, doubtless, but which I have not been in for some years, -and know very little of; I mean Gray's Inn, gentlemen. Curious -little nooks in a great place, like London, these old inns are.' - -'By Jove!' said the chairman, whispering across the table to -Mr. Pickwick, 'you have hit upon something that one of us, at -least, would talk upon for ever. You'll draw old Jack Bamber out; -he was never heard to talk about anything else but the inns, and -he has lived alone in them till he's half crazy.' - -The individual to whom Lowten alluded, was a little, yellow, -high-shouldered man, whose countenance, from his habit of -stooping forward when silent, Mr. Pickwick had not observed -before. He wondered, though, when the old man raised his -shrivelled face, and bent his gray eye upon him, with a keen -inquiring look, that such remarkable features could have escaped -his attention for a moment. There was a fixed grim smile -perpetually on his countenance; he leaned his chin on a long, skinny -hand, with nails of extraordinary length; and as he inclined his -head to one side, and looked keenly out from beneath his ragged -gray eyebrows, there was a strange, wild slyness in his leer, quite -repulsive to behold. - -This was the figure that now started forward, and burst into an -animated torrent of words. As this chapter has been a long one, -however, and as the old man was a remarkable personage, it will -be more respectful to him, and more convenient to us, to let him -speak for himself in a fresh one. - - - -CHAPTER XXI -IN WHICH THE OLD MAN LAUNCHES FORTH INTO HIS - FAVOURITE THEME, AND RELATES A STORY ABOUT A - QUEER CLIENT - - -Aha!' said the old man, a brief description of whose manner and -appearance concluded the last chapter, 'aha! who was talking about the inns?' - -'I was, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick--'I was observing what -singular old places they are.' - -'YOU!' said the old man contemptuously. 'What do YOU know -of the time when young men shut themselves up in those lonely -rooms, and read and read, hour after hour, and night after night, -till their reason wandered beneath their midnight studies; till -their mental powers were exhausted; till morning's light brought -no freshness or health to them; and they sank beneath the -unnatural devotion of their youthful energies to their dry old -books? Coming down to a later time, and a very different day, -what do YOU know of the gradual sinking beneath consumption, -or the quick wasting of fever--the grand results of "life" -and dissipation--which men have undergone in these same -rooms? How many vain pleaders for mercy, do you think, -have turned away heart-sick from the lawyer's office, to find -a resting-place in the Thames, or a refuge in the jail? They -are no ordinary houses, those. There is not a panel in the old -wainscotting, but what, if it were endowed with the powers of -speech and memory, could start from the wall, and tell its tale of -horror--the romance of life, Sir, the romance of life! Common- -place as they may seem now, I tell you they are strange old -places, and I would rather hear many a legend with a terrific- -sounding name, than the true history of one old set of chambers.' - -There was something so odd in the old man's sudden energy, -and the subject which had called it forth, that Mr. Pickwick was -prepared with no observation in reply; and the old man checking -his impetuosity, and resuming the leer, which had disappeared -during his previous excitement, said-- - -'Look at them in another light--their most common-place and -least romantic. What fine places of slow torture they are! Think -of the needy man who has spent his all, beggared himself, and -pinched his friends, to enter the profession, which is destined -never to yield him a morsel of bread. The waiting--the hope-- -the disappointment--the fear--the misery--the poverty--the -blight on his hopes, and end to his career--the suicide perhaps, or -the shabby, slipshod drunkard. Am I not right about them?' -And the old man rubbed his hands, and leered as if in delight at -having found another point of view in which to place his -favourite subject. - -Mr. Pickwick eyed the old man with great curiosity, and the -remainder of the company smiled, and looked on in silence. - -'Talk of your German universities,' said the little old man. -'Pooh, pooh! there's romance enough at home without going -half a mile for it; only people never think of it.' - -'I never thought of the romance of this particular subject -before, certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing. -'To be sure you didn't,' said the little old man; 'of course not. -As a friend of mine used to say to me, "What is there in chambers -in particular?" "Queer old places," said I. "Not at all," said he. -"Lonely," said I. "Not a bit of it," said he. He died one morning -of apoplexy, as he was going to open his outer door. Fell with his -head in his own letter-box, and there he lay for eighteen months. -Everybody thought he'd gone out of town.' - -'And how was he found out at last?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'The benchers determined to have his door broken open, as he -hadn't paid any rent for two years. So they did. Forced the lock; -and a very dusty skeleton in a blue coat, black knee-shorts, and -silks, fell forward in the arms of the porter who opened the door. -Queer, that. Rather, perhaps; rather, eh?'The little old man put -his head more on one side, and rubbed his hands with unspeakable glee. - -'I know another case,' said the little old man, when his chuckles -had in some degree subsided. 'It occurred in Clifford's Inn. -Tenant of a top set--bad character--shut himself up in his -bedroom closet, and took a dose of arsenic. The steward thought -he had run away: opened the door, and put a bill up. Another -man came, took the chambers, furnished them, and went to live -there. Somehow or other he couldn't sleep--always restless and -uncomfortable. "Odd," says he. "I'll make the other room my -bedchamber, and this my sitting-room." He made the change, and -slept very well at night, but suddenly found that, somehow, he -couldn't read in the evening: he got nervous and uncomfortable, -and used to be always snuffing his candles and staring about him. -"I can't make this out," said he, when he came home from the -play one night, and was drinking a glass of cold grog, with his -back to the wall, in order that he mightn't be able to fancy there -was any one behind him--"I can't make it out," said he; and -just then his eyes rested on the little closet that had been always -locked up, and a shudder ran through his whole frame from top -to toe. "I have felt this strange feeling before," said he, "I cannot -help thinking there's something wrong about that closet." He -made a strong effort, plucked up his courage, shivered the lock -with a blow or two of the poker, opened the door, and there, sure -enough, standing bolt upright in the corner, was the last tenant, -with a little bottle clasped firmly in his hand, and his face--well!' -As the little old man concluded, he looked round on the attentive -faces of his wondering auditory with a smile of grim delight. - -'What strange things these are you tell us of, Sir,' said Mr. -Pickwick, minutely scanning the old man's countenance, by the -aid of his glasses. - -'Strange!' said the little old man. 'Nonsense; you think them -strange, because you know nothing about it. They are funny, but -not uncommon.' - -'Funny!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily. -'Yes, funny, are they not?' replied the little old man, with a -diabolical leer; and then, without pausing for an answer, he -continued-- - -'I knew another man--let me see--forty years ago now--who -took an old, damp, rotten set of chambers, in one of the most -ancient inns, that had been shut up and empty for years and -years before. There were lots of old women's stories about the -place, and it certainly was very far from being a cheerful one; -but he was poor, and the rooms were cheap, and that would have -been quite a sufficient reason for him, if they had been ten times -worse than they really were. He was obliged to take some -mouldering fixtures that were on the place, and, among the rest, -was a great lumbering wooden press for papers, with large glass -doors, and a green curtain inside; a pretty useless thing for him, -for he had no papers to put in it; and as to his clothes, he carried -them about with him, and that wasn't very hard work, either. -Well, he had moved in all his furniture--it wasn't quite a truck- -full--and had sprinkled it about the room, so as to make the four -chairs look as much like a dozen as possible, and was sitting down -before the fire at night, drinking the first glass of two gallons of -whisky he had ordered on credit, wondering whether it would ever -be paid for, and if so, in how many years' time, when his eyes -encountered the glass doors of the wooden press. "Ah," says he, -"if I hadn't been obliged to take that ugly article at the old -broker's valuation, I might have got something comfortable for -the money. I'll tell you what it is, old fellow," he said, speaking -aloud to the press, having nothing else to speak to, "if it wouldn't -cost more to break up your old carcass, than it would ever be -worth afterward, I'd have a fire out of you in less than no time." -He had hardly spoken the words, when a sound resembling a -faint groan, appeared to issue from the interior of the case. It -startled him at first, but thinking, on a moment's reflection, that -it must be some young fellow in the next chamber, who had been -dining out, he put his feet on the fender, and raised the poker to -stir the fire. At that moment, the sound was repeated; and one of -the glass doors slowly opening, disclosed a pale and emaciated -figure in soiled and worn apparel, standing erect in the press. The -figure was tall and thin, and the countenance expressive of care -and anxiety; but there was something in the hue of the skin, and -gaunt and unearthly appearance of the whole form, which no -being of this world was ever seen to wear. "Who are you?" said -the new tenant, turning very pale; poising the poker in his hand, -however, and taking a very decent aim at the countenance of the -figure. "Who are you?" "Don't throw that poker at me," replied -the form; "if you hurled it with ever so sure an aim, it would -pass through me, without resistance, and expend its force on the -wood behind. I am a spirit." "And pray, what do you want -here?" faltered the tenant. "In this room," replied the apparition, -"my worldly ruin was worked, and I and my children beggared. -In this press, the papers in a long, long suit, which accumulated -for years, were deposited. In this room, when I had died of grief, -and long-deferred hope, two wily harpies divided the wealth for -which I had contested during a wretched existence, and of which, -at last, not one farthing was left for my unhappy descendants. I -terrified them from the spot, and since that day have prowled by -night--the only period at which I can revisit the earth--about the -scenes of my long-protracted misery. This apartment is mine: -leave it to me." "If you insist upon making your appearance -here," said the tenant, who had had time to collect his presence of -mind during this prosy statement of the ghost's, "I shall give up -possession with the greatest pleasure; but I should like to ask you -one question, if you will allow me." "Say on," said the apparition -sternly. "Well," said the tenant, "I don't apply the observation -personally to you, because it is equally applicable to most of the -ghosts I ever heard of; but it does appear to me somewhat -inconsistent, that when you have an opportunity of visiting the -fairest spots of earth--for I suppose space is nothing to you-- -you should always return exactly to the very places where you -have been most miserable." "Egad, that's very true; I never -thought of that before," said the ghost. "You see, Sir," pursued -the tenant, "this is a very uncomfortable room. From the -appearance of that press, I should be disposed to say that it is not -wholly free from bugs; and I really think you might find much -more comfortable quarters: to say nothing of the climate of -London, which is extremely disagreeable." "You are very right, -Sir," said the ghost politely, "it never struck me till now; I'll try -change of air directly"--and, in fact, he began to vanish as he -spoke; his legs, indeed, had quite disappeared. "And if, Sir," said -the tenant, calling after him, "if you WOULD have the goodness to -suggest to the other ladies and gentlemen who are now engaged -in haunting old empty houses, that they might be much more -comfortable elsewhere, you will confer a very great benefit on -society." "I will," replied the ghost; "we must be dull fellows-- -very dull fellows, indeed; I can't imagine how we can have been -so stupid." With these words, the spirit disappeared; and what is -rather remarkable,' added the old man, with a shrewd look round -the table, 'he never came back again.' - -'That ain't bad, if it's true,' said the man in the Mosaic studs, -lighting a fresh cigar. - -'IF!' exclaimed the old man, with a look of excessive contempt. -'I suppose,' he added, turning to Lowten, 'he'll say next, that my -story about the queer client we had, when I was in an attorney's -office, is not true either--I shouldn't wonder.' - -'I shan't venture to say anything at all about it, seeing that I -never heard the story,' observed the owner of the Mosaic decorations. - -'I wish you would repeat it, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, do,' said Lowten, 'nobody has heard it but me, and I have -nearly forgotten it.' - -The old man looked round the table, and leered more horribly -than ever, as if in triumph, at the attention which was depicted in -every face. Then rubbing his chin with his hand, and looking up -to the ceiling as if to recall the circumstances to his memory, he -began as follows:-- - - - THE OLD MAN'S TALE ABOUT THE QUEER CLIENT - -'It matters little,' said the old man, 'where, or how, I picked up -this brief history. If I were to relate it in the order in which it -reached me, I should commence in the middle, and when I had -arrived at the conclusion, go back for a beginning. It is enough -for me to say that some of its circumstances passed before my -own eyes; for the remainder I know them to have happened, and -there are some persons yet living, who will remember them but -too well. - -'In the Borough High Street, near St. George's Church, and on -the same side of the way, stands, as most people know, the -smallest of our debtors' prisons, the Marshalsea. Although in -later times it has been a very different place from the sink of filth -and dirt it once was, even its improved condition holds out but -little temptation to the extravagant, or consolation to the -improvident. The condemned felon has as good a yard for air and -exercise in Newgate, as the insolvent debtor in the Marshalsea -Prison. [Better. But this is past, in a better age, and the prison -exists no longer.] - -'It may be my fancy, or it may be that I cannot separate the -place from the old recollections associated with it, but this part of -London I cannot bear. The street is broad, the shops are spacious, -the noise of passing vehicles, the footsteps of a perpetual stream -of people--all the busy sounds of traffic, resound in it from morn -to midnight; but the streets around are mean and close; poverty -and debauchery lie festering in the crowded alleys; want and -misfortune are pent up in the narrow prison; an air of gloom and -dreariness seems, in my eyes at least, to hang about the scene, -and to impart to it a squalid and sickly hue. - -'Many eyes, that have long since been closed in the grave, have -looked round upon that scene lightly enough, when entering the -gate of the old Marshalsea Prison for the first time; for despair -seldom comes with the first severe shock of misfortune. A man -has confidence in untried friends, he remembers the many offers -of service so freely made by his boon companions when he wanted -them not; he has hope--the hope of happy inexperience--and -however he may bend beneath the first shock, it springs up in his -bosom, and flourishes there for a brief space, until it droops -beneath the blight of disappointment and neglect. How soon -have those same eyes, deeply sunken in the head, glared from -faces wasted with famine, and sallow from confinement, in days -when it was no figure of speech to say that debtors rotted -in prison, with no hope of release, and no prospect of liberty! -The atrocity in its full extent no longer exists, but there is enough -of it left to give rise to occurrences that make the heart bleed. - -'Twenty years ago, that pavement was worn with the footsteps -of a mother and child, who, day by day, so surely as the morning -came, presented themselves at the prison gate; often after a night -of restless misery and anxious thoughts, were they there, a full -hour too soon, and then the young mother turning meekly away, -would lead the child to the old bridge, and raising him in her -arms to show him the glistening water, tinted with the light of the -morning's sun, and stirring with all the bustling preparations for -business and pleasure that the river presented at that early hour, -endeavour to interest his thoughts in the objects before him. But -she would quickly set him down, and hiding her face in her shawl, -give vent to the tears that blinded her; for no expression of -interest or amusement lighted up his thin and sickly face. His -recollections were few enough, but they were all of one kind--all -connected with the poverty and misery of his parents. Hour after -hour had he sat on his mother's knee, and with childish sympathy -watched the tears that stole down her face, and then crept quietly -away into some dark corner, and sobbed himself to sleep. The -hard realities of the world, with many of its worst privations-- -hunger and thirst, and cold and want--had all come home to -him, from the first dawnings of reason; and though the form of -childhood was there, its light heart, its merry laugh, and sparkling -eyes were wanting. -'The father and mother looked on upon this, and upon each -other, with thoughts of agony they dared not breathe in words. -The healthy, strong-made man, who could have borne almost any -fatigue of active exertion, was wasting beneath the close confinement -and unhealthy atmosphere of a crowded prison. The slight and delicate -woman was sinking beneath the combined effects of bodily and mental -illness. The child's young heart was breaking. - -'Winter came, and with it weeks of cold and heavy rain. The -poor girl had removed to a wretched apartment close to the spot -of her husband's imprisonment; and though the change had been -rendered necessary by their increasing poverty, she was happier -now, for she was nearer him. For two months, she and her little -companion watched the opening of the gate as usual. One day -she failed to come, for the first time. Another morning arrived, -and she came alone. The child was dead. - -'They little know, who coldly talk of the poor man's bereavements, -as a happy release from pain to the departed, and a -merciful relief from expense to the survivor--they little know, I -say, what the agony of those bereavements is. A silent look of -affection and regard when all other eyes are turned coldly away ---the consciousness that we possess the sympathy and affection -of one being when all others have deserted us--is a hold, a stay, -a comfort, in the deepest affliction, which no wealth could -purchase, or power bestow. The child had sat at his parents' feet -for hours together, with his little hands patiently folded in each -other, and his thin wan face raised towards them. They had seen -him pine away, from day to day; and though his brief existence -had been a joyless one, and he was now removed to that peace -and rest which, child as he was, he had never known in this -world, they were his parents, and his loss sank deep into their souls. - -'It was plain to those who looked upon the mother's altered -face, that death must soon close the scene of her adversity and -trial. Her husband's fellow-prisoners shrank from obtruding on -his grief and misery, and left to himself alone, the small room he -had previously occupied in common with two companions. She -shared it with him; and lingering on without pain, but without -hope, her life ebbed slowly away. - -'She had fainted one evening in her husband's arms, and he -had borne her to the open window, to revive her with the air, -when the light of the moon falling full upon her face, showed him -a change upon her features, which made him stagger beneath -her weight, like a helpless infant. - -'"Set me down, George," she said faintly. He did so, and -seating himself beside her, covered his face with his hands, and -burst into tears. - -'"It is very hard to leave you, George," she said; "but it is -God's will, and you must bear it for my sake. Oh! how I thank -Him for having taken our boy! He is happy, and in heaven now. -What would he have done here, without his mother!" - -'"You shall not die, Mary, you shall not die;" said the -husband, starting up. He paced hurriedly to and fro, striking his -head with his clenched fists; then reseating himself beside her, -and supporting her in his arms, added more calmly, "Rouse -yourself, my dear girl. Pray, pray do. You will revive yet." - -'"Never again, George; never again," said the dying woman. -"Let them lay me by my poor boy now, but promise me, that if -ever you leave this dreadful place, and should grow rich, you will -have us removed to some quiet country churchyard, a long, long -way off--very far from here--where we can rest in peace. Dear -George, promise me you will." - -'"I do, I do," said the man, throwing himself passionately on -his knees before her. "Speak to me, Mary, another word; one -look--but one!" - -'He ceased to speak: for the arm that clasped his neck grew -stiff and heavy. A deep sigh escaped from the wasted form before -him; the lips moved, and a smile played upon the face; but the -lips were pallid, and the smile faded into a rigid and ghastly -stare. He was alone in the world. - -'That night, in the silence and desolation of his miserable -room, the wretched man knelt down by the dead body of his -wife, and called on God to witness a terrible oath, that from that -hour, he devoted himself to revenge her death and that of his -child; that thenceforth to the last moment of his life, his whole -energies should be directed to this one object; that his revenge -should be protracted and terrible; that his hatred should be -undying and inextinguishable; and should hunt its object through -the world. - -'The deepest despair, and passion scarcely human, had made -such fierce ravages on his face and form, in that one night, that -his companions in misfortune shrank affrighted from him as he -passed by. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy, his face a deadly -white, and his body bent as if with age. He had bitten his under -lip nearly through in the violence of his mental suffering, and the -blood which had flowed from the wound had trickled down his -chin, and stained his shirt and neckerchief. No tear, or sound of -complaint escaped him; but the unsettled look, and disordered -haste with which he paced up and down the yard, denoted the -fever which was burning within. - -'It was necessary that his wife's body should be removed from -the prison, without delay. He received the communication with -perfect calmness, and acquiesced in its propriety. Nearly all the -inmates of the prison had assembled to witness its removal; they -fell back on either side when the widower appeared; he walked -hurriedly forward, and stationed himself, alone, in a little railed -area close to the lodge gate, from whence the crowd, with an -instinctive feeling of delicacy, had retired. The rude coffin was -borne slowly forward on men's shoulders. A dead silence pervaded -the throng, broken only by the audible lamentations of the -women, and the shuffling steps of the bearers on the stone pavement. -They reached the spot where the bereaved husband stood: -and stopped. He laid his hand upon the coffin, and mechanically -adjusting the pall with which it was covered, motioned them -onward. The turnkeys in the prison lobby took off their hats as it -passed through, and in another moment the heavy gate closed -behind it. He looked vacantly upon the crowd, and fell heavily to -the ground. - -'Although for many weeks after this, he was watched, night -and day, in the wildest ravings of fever, neither the consciousness -of his loss, nor the recollection of the vow he had made, ever left -him for a moment. Scenes changed before his eyes, place succeeded -place, and event followed event, in all the hurry of -delirium; but they were all connected in some way with the great -object of his mind. He was sailing over a boundless expanse of -sea, with a blood-red sky above, and the angry waters, lashed -into fury beneath, boiling and eddying up, on every side. There -was another vessel before them, toiling and labouring in the -howling storm; her canvas fluttering in ribbons from the mast, -and her deck thronged with figures who were lashed to the sides, -over which huge waves every instant burst, sweeping away some -devoted creatures into the foaming sea. Onward they bore, -amidst the roaring mass of water, with a speed and force which -nothing could resist; and striking the stem of the foremost -vessel, crushed her beneath their keel. From the huge whirlpool -which the sinking wreck occasioned, arose a shriek so loud and -shrill--the death-cry of a hundred drowning creatures, blended -into one fierce yell--that it rung far above the war-cry of the -elements, and echoed, and re-echoed till it seemed to pierce air, -sky, and ocean. But what was that--that old gray head that rose -above the water's surface, and with looks of agony, and screams -for aid, buffeted with the waves! One look, and he had sprung -from the vessel's side, and with vigorous strokes was swimming -towards it. He reached it; he was close upon it. They were HIS -features. The old man saw him coming, and vainly strove to -elude his grasp. But he clasped him tight, and dragged him beneath -the water. Down, down with him, fifty fathoms down; his -struggles grew fainter and fainter, until they wholly ceased. He -was dead; he had killed him, and had kept his oath. - -'He was traversing the scorching sands of a mighty desert, -barefoot and alone. The sand choked and blinded him; its fine -thin grains entered the very pores of his skin, and irritated him -almost to madness. Gigantic masses of the same material, carried -forward by the wind, and shone through by the burning sun, -stalked in the distance like pillars of living fire. The bones of -men, who had perished in the dreary waste, lay scattered at his -feet; a fearful light fell on everything around; so far as the eye could -reach, nothing but objects of dread and horror presented themselves. -Vainly striving to utter a cry of terror, with his tongue -cleaving to his mouth, he rushed madly forward. Armed with -supernatural strength, he waded through the sand, until, -exhausted with fatigue and thirst, he fell senseless on the earth. -What fragrant coolness revived him; what gushing sound was -that? Water! It was indeed a well; and the clear fresh stream was -running at his feet. He drank deeply of it, and throwing his -aching limbs upon the bank, sank into a delicious trance. The -sound of approaching footsteps roused him. An old gray-headed -man tottered forward to slake his burning thirst. It was HE again! -Fe wound his arms round the old man's body, and held him back. -He struggled, and shrieked for water--for but one drop of water -to save his life! But he held the old man firmly, and watched his -agonies with greedy eyes; and when his lifeless head fell forward -on his bosom, he rolled the corpse from him with his feet. - -'When the fever left him, and consciousness returned, he -awoke to find himself rich and free, to hear that the parent who -would have let him die in jail--WOULD! who HAD let those who -were far dearer to him than his own existence die of want, and -sickness of heart that medicine cannot cure--had been found -dead in his bed of down. He had had all the heart to leave his son -a beggar, but proud even of his health and strength, had put off -the act till it was too late, and now might gnash his teeth in the -other world, at the thought of the wealth his remissness had left -him. He awoke to this, and he awoke to more. To recollect the -purpose for which he lived, and to remember that his enemy was -his wife's own father--the man who had cast him into prison, -and who, when his daughter and her child sued at his feet for -mercy, had spurned them from his door. Oh, how he cursed the -weakness that prevented him from being up, and active, in his -scheme of vengeance! -'He caused himself to be carried from the scene of his loss and -misery, and conveyed to a quiet residence on the sea-coast; not -in the hope of recovering his peace of mind or happiness, for -both were fled for ever; but to restore his prostrate energies, and -meditate on his darling object. And here, some evil spirit cast in -his way the opportunity for his first, most horrible revenge. - -'It was summer-time; and wrapped in his gloomy thoughts, he -would issue from his solitary lodgings early in the evening, and -wandering along a narrow path beneath the cliffs, to a wild and -lonely spot that had struck his fancy in his ramblings, seat himself -on some fallen fragment of the rock, and burying his face in his -hands, remain there for hours--sometimes until night had completely -closed in, and the long shadows of the frowning cliffs -above his head cast a thick, black darkness on every object near him. - -'He was seated here, one calm evening, in his old position, now -and then raising his head to watch the flight of a sea-gull, or -carry his eye along the glorious crimson path, which, commencing -in the middle of the ocean, seemed to lead to its very verge where -the sun was setting, when the profound stillness of the spot was -broken by a loud cry for help; he listened, doubtful of his having -heard aright, when the cry was repeated with even greater -vehemence than before, and, starting to his feet, he hastened in -the direction whence it proceeded. - -'The tale told itself at once: some scattered garments lay on -the beach; a human head was just visible above the waves at a -little distance from the shore; and an old man, wringing his -hands in agony, was running to and fro, shrieking for assistance. -The invalid, whose strength was now sufficiently restored, threw -off his coat, and rushed towards the sea, with the intention of -plunging in, and dragging the drowning man ashore. - -'"Hasten here, Sir, in God's name; help, help, sir, for the love -of Heaven. He is my son, Sir, my only son!" said the old man -frantically, as he advanced to meet him. "My only son, Sir, and -he is dying before his father's eyes!" - -'At the first word the old man uttered, the stranger checked -himself in his career, and, folding his arms, stood perfectly motionless. - -'"Great God!" exclaimed the old man, recoiling, "Heyling!" - -'The stranger smiled, and was silent. - -'"Heyling!" said the old man wildly; "my boy, Heyling, my -dear boy, look, look!" Gasping for breath, the miserable father -pointed to the spot where the young man was struggling for life. - -'"Hark!" said the old man. "He cries once more. He is alive -yet. Heyling, save him, save him!" - -'The stranger smiled again, and remained immovable as a statue. -'"I have wronged you," shrieked the old man, falling on his -knees, and clasping his hands together. "Be revenged; take my all, -my life; cast me into the water at your feet, and, if human nature -can repress a struggle, I will die, without stirring hand or foot. -Do it, Heyling, do it, but save my boy; he is so young, Heyling, -so young to die!" - -'"Listen," said the stranger, grasping the old man fiercely by -the wrist; "I will have life for life, and here is ONE. MY child died, -before his father's eyes, a far more agonising and painful death -than that young slanderer of his sister's worth is meeting while I -speak. You laughed--laughed in your daughter's face, where -death had already set his hand--at our sufferings, then. What -think you of them now! See there, see there!" - -'As the stranger spoke, he pointed to the sea. A faint cry died -away upon its surface; the last powerful struggle of the dying -man agitated the rippling waves for a few seconds; and the spot -where he had gone down into his early grave, was undistinguishable -from the surrounding water. - -'Three years had elapsed, when a gentleman alighted from a -private carriage at the door of a London attorney, then well -known as a man of no great nicety in his professional dealings, -and requested a private interview on business of importance. -Although evidently not past the prime of life, his face was pale, -haggard, and dejected; and it did not require the acute perception -of the man of business, to discern at a glance, that disease or -suffering had done more to work a change in his appearance, -than the mere hand of time could have accomplished in twice the -period of his whole life. - -'"I wish you to undertake some legal business for me," said -the stranger. - -'The attorney bowed obsequiously, and glanced at a large -packet which the gentleman carried in his hand. His visitor -observed the look, and proceeded. - -'"It is no common business," said he; "nor have these papers -reached my hands without long trouble and great expense." - -'The attorney cast a still more anxious look at the packet; and -his visitor, untying the string that bound it, disclosed a quantity -of promissory notes, with copies of deeds, and other documents. - -'"Upon these papers," said the client, "the man whose name -they bear, has raised, as you will see, large sums of money, for -years past. There was a tacit understanding between him and the -men into whose hands they originally went--and from whom I -have by degrees purchased the whole, for treble and quadruple -their nominal value--that these loans should be from time to -time renewed, until a given period had elapsed. Such an -understanding is nowhere expressed. He has sustained many losses of -late; and these obligations accumulating upon him at once, -would crush him to the earth." - -'"The whole amount is many thousands of pounds," said the -attorney, looking over the papers. - -'"It is," said the client. - -'"What are we to do?" inquired the man of business. - -'"Do!" replied the client, with sudden vehemence. "Put every -engine of the law in force, every trick that ingenuity can devise -and rascality execute; fair means and foul; the open oppression -of the law, aided by all the craft of its most ingenious practitioners. -I would have him die a harassing and lingering death. Ruin -him, seize and sell his lands and goods, drive him from house and -home, and drag him forth a beggar in his old age, to die in a -common jail." - -'"But the costs, my dear Sir, the costs of all this," reasoned the -attorney, when he had recovered from his momentary surprise. -"If the defendant be a man of straw, who is to pay the costs, Sir?" - -'"Name any sum," said the stranger, his hand trembling -so violently with excitement, that he could scarcely hold the -pen he seized as he spoke--"any sum, and it is yours. Don't be -afraid to name it, man. I shall not think it dear, if you gain -my object." - -'The attorney named a large sum, at hazard, as the advance he -should require to secure himself against the possibility of loss; -but more with the view of ascertaining how far his client was -really disposed to go, than with any idea that he would comply -with the demand. The stranger wrote a cheque upon his banker, -for the whole amount, and left him. - -'The draft was duly honoured, and the attorney, finding that -his strange client might be safely relied upon, commenced his -work in earnest. For more than two years afterwards, Mr. -Heyling would sit whole days together, in the office, poring over -the papers as they accumulated, and reading again and again, his -eyes gleaming with joy, the letters of remonstrance, the prayers -for a little delay, the representations of the certain ruin in which -the opposite party must be involved, which poured in, as suit after -suit, and process after process, was commenced. To all applications -for a brief indulgence, there was but one reply--the money -must be paid. Land, house, furniture, each in its turn, was taken -under some one of the numerous executions which were issued; -and the old man himself would have been immured in prison had -he not escaped the vigilance of the officers, and fled. - -'The implacable animosity of Heyling, so far from being satiated -by the success of his persecution, increased a hundredfold with -the ruin he inflicted. On being informed of the old man's flight, -his fury was unbounded. He gnashed his teeth with rage, tore the -hair from his head, and assailed with horrid imprecations the -men who had been intrusted with the writ. He was only restored -to comparative calmness by repeated assurances of the certainty -of discovering the fugitive. Agents were sent in quest of him, in -all directions; every stratagem that could be invented was -resorted to, for the purpose of discovering his place of retreat; -but it was all in vain. Half a year had passed over, and he was -still undiscovered. - -'At length late one night, Heyling, of whom nothing had been -seen for many weeks before, appeared at his attorney's private -residence, and sent up word that a gentleman wished to see him -instantly. Before the attorney, who had recognised his voice from -above stairs, could order the servant to admit him, he had rushed -up the staircase, and entered the drawing-room pale and breathless. -Having closed the door, to prevent being overheard, he sank -into a chair, and said, in a low voice-- - -'"Hush! I have found him at last." - -'"No!" said the attorney. "Well done, my dear sir, well done." - -'"He lies concealed in a wretched lodging in Camden Town," -said Heyling. "Perhaps it is as well we DID lose sight of him, for he -has been living alone there, in the most abject misery, all the -time, and he is poor--very poor." - -'"Very good," said the attorney. "You will have the caption -made to-morrow, of course?" - -'"Yes," replied Heyling. "Stay! No! The next day. You are -surprised at my wishing to postpone it," he added, with a ghastly -smile; "but I had forgotten. The next day is an anniversary in his -life: let it be done then." - -'"Very good," said the attorney. "Will you write down -instructions for the officer?" - -'"No; let him meet me here, at eight in the evening, and I will -accompany him myself." - -'They met on the appointed night, and, hiring a hackney- -coach, directed the driver to stop at that corner of the old -Pancras Road, at which stands the parish workhouse. By the -time they alighted there, it was quite dark; and, proceeding by -the dead wall in front of the Veterinary Hospital, they entered a -small by-street, which is, or was at that time, called Little College -Street, and which, whatever it may be now, was in those days a -desolate place enough, surrounded by little else than fields and ditches. - -'Having drawn the travelling-cap he had on half over his face, -and muffled himself in his cloak, Heyling stopped before the -meanest-looking house in the street, and knocked gently at the -door. It was at once opened by a woman, who dropped a curtsey -of recognition, and Heyling, whispering the officer to remain -below, crept gently upstairs, and, opening the door of the front -room, entered at once. - -'The object of his search and his unrelenting animosity, now a -decrepit old man, was seated at a bare deal table, on which stood -a miserable candle. He started on the entrance of the stranger, -and rose feebly to his feet. - -'"What now, what now?" said the old man. "What fresh -misery is this? What do you want here?" - -'"A word with YOU," replied Heyling. As he spoke, he seated -himself at the other end of the table, and, throwing off his cloak -and cap, disclosed his features. - -'The old man seemed instantly deprived of speech. He fell -backward in his chair, and, clasping his hands together, gazed on -the apparition with a mingled look of abhorrence and fear. - -'"This day six years," said Heyling, "I claimed the life you -owed me for my child's. Beside the lifeless form of your daughter, -old man, I swore to live a life of revenge. I have never swerved -from my purpose for a moment's space; but if I had, one thought -of her uncomplaining, suffering look, as she drooped away, or of -the starving face of our innocent child, would have nerved me to -my task. My first act of requital you well remember: this is my -last." - -'The old man shivered, and his hands dropped powerless by -his side. - -'"I leave England to-morrow," said Heyling, after a moment's -pause. "To-night I consign you to the living death to which you -devoted her--a hopeless prison--" - -'He raised his eyes to the old man's countenance, and paused. -He lifted the light to his face, set it gently down, and left the -apartment. - -'"You had better see to the old man," he said to the woman, as -he opened the door, and motioned the officer to follow him into -the street. "I think he is ill." The woman closed the door, ran -hastily upstairs, and found him lifeless. - - -'Beneath a plain gravestone, in one of the most peaceful and -secluded churchyards in Kent, where wild flowers mingle with -the grass, and the soft landscape around forms the fairest spot in -the garden of England, lie the bones of the young mother and her -gentle child. But the ashes of the father do not mingle with theirs; -nor, from that night forward, did the attorney ever gain the -remotest clue to the subsequent history of his queer client.' -As the old man concluded his tale, he advanced to a peg in one -corner, and taking down his hat and coat, put them on with -great deliberation; and, without saying another word, walked -slowly away. As the gentleman with the Mosaic studs had fallen -asleep, and the major part of the company were deeply occupied -in the humorous process of dropping melted tallow-grease into -his brandy-and-water, Mr. Pickwick departed unnoticed, and -having settled his own score, and that of Mr. Weller, issued forth, -in company with that gentleman, from beneath the portal of the -Magpie and Stump. - - - -CHAPTER XXII -Mr. PICKWICK JOURNEYS TO IPSWICH AND MEETS WITH - A ROMANTIC ADVENTURE WITH A MIDDLE-AGED LADY - IN YELLOW CURL-PAPERS - - -'That 'ere your governor's luggage, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller of -his affectionate son, as he entered the yard of the Bull Inn, -Whitechapel, with a travelling-bag and a small portmanteau. - -'You might ha' made a worser guess than that, old feller,' -replied Mr. Weller the younger, setting down his burden in the -yard, and sitting himself down upon it afterwards. 'The governor -hisself'll be down here presently.' - -'He's a-cabbin' it, I suppose?' said the father. - -'Yes, he's a havin' two mile o' danger at eight-pence,' responded -the son. 'How's mother-in-law this mornin'?' - -'Queer, Sammy, queer,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, with -impressive gravity. 'She's been gettin' rayther in the Methodistical -order lately, Sammy; and she is uncommon pious, to be sure. -She's too good a creetur for me, Sammy. I feel I don't deserve her.' - -'Ah,' said Mr. Samuel. 'that's wery self-denyin' o' you.' - -'Wery,' replied his parent, with a sigh. 'She's got hold o' some -inwention for grown-up people being born again, Sammy--the -new birth, I think they calls it. I should wery much like to see that -system in haction, Sammy. I should wery much like to see your -mother-in-law born again. Wouldn't I put her out to nurse!' - -'What do you think them women does t'other day,' continued -Mr. Weller, after a short pause, during which he had significantly -struck the side of his nose with his forefinger some half-dozen -times. 'What do you think they does, t'other day, Sammy?' - -'Don't know,' replied Sam, 'what?' - -'Goes and gets up a grand tea drinkin' for a feller they calls -their shepherd,' said Mr. Weller. 'I was a-standing starin' in at -the pictur shop down at our place, when I sees a little bill about -it; "tickets half-a-crown. All applications to be made to the -committee. Secretary, Mrs. Weller"; and when I got home there -was the committee a-sittin' in our back parlour. Fourteen women; -I wish you could ha' heard 'em, Sammy. There they was, -a-passin' resolutions, and wotin' supplies, and all sorts o' games. -Well, what with your mother-in-law a-worrying me to go, and -what with my looking for'ard to seein' some queer starts if I did, -I put my name down for a ticket; at six o'clock on the Friday -evenin' I dresses myself out wery smart, and off I goes with the -old 'ooman, and up we walks into a fust-floor where there was -tea-things for thirty, and a whole lot o' women as begins -whisperin' to one another, and lookin' at me, as if they'd never -seen a rayther stout gen'l'm'n of eight-and-fifty afore. By and by, -there comes a great bustle downstairs, and a lanky chap with a -red nose and a white neckcloth rushes up, and sings out, "Here's -the shepherd a-coming to wisit his faithful flock;" and in comes -a fat chap in black, vith a great white face, a-smilin' avay like -clockwork. Such goin's on, Sammy! "The kiss of peace," says the -shepherd; and then he kissed the women all round, and ven he'd -done, the man vith the red nose began. I was just a-thinkin' -whether I hadn't better begin too--'specially as there was a wery -nice lady a-sittin' next me--ven in comes the tea, and your -mother-in-law, as had been makin' the kettle bile downstairs. At -it they went, tooth and nail. Such a precious loud hymn, Sammy, -while the tea was a brewing; such a grace, such eatin' and -drinkin'! I wish you could ha' seen the shepherd walkin' into the -ham and muffins. I never see such a chap to eat and drink-- -never. The red-nosed man warn't by no means the sort of person -you'd like to grub by contract, but he was nothin' to the shepherd. -Well; arter the tea was over, they sang another hymn, and -then the shepherd began to preach: and wery well he did it, -considerin' how heavy them muffins must have lied on his chest. -Presently he pulls up, all of a sudden, and hollers out, "Where is -the sinner; where is the mis'rable sinner?" Upon which, all the -women looked at me, and began to groan as if they was a-dying. -I thought it was rather sing'ler, but howsoever, I says nothing. -Presently he pulls up again, and lookin' wery hard at me, says, -"Where is the sinner; where is the mis'rable sinner?" and all the -women groans again, ten times louder than afore. I got rather -savage at this, so I takes a step or two for'ard and says, "My -friend," says I, "did you apply that 'ere obserwation to me?" -'Stead of beggin' my pardon as any gen'l'm'n would ha' done, -he got more abusive than ever:--called me a wessel, Sammy--a -wessel of wrath--and all sorts o' names. So my blood being -reg'larly up, I first gave him two or three for himself, and then -two or three more to hand over to the man with the red nose, -and walked off. I wish you could ha' heard how the women -screamed, Sammy, ven they picked up the shepherd from underneath -the table--Hollo! here's the governor, the size of life.' - -As Mr. Weller spoke, Mr. Pickwick dismounted from a cab, -and entered the yard. -'Fine mornin', Sir,' said Mr. Weller, senior. - -'Beautiful indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Beautiful indeed,' echoes a red-haired man with an inquisitive -nose and green spectacles, who had unpacked himself from a cab -at the same moment as Mr. Pickwick. 'Going to Ipswich, Sir?' - -'I am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Extraordinary coincidence. So am I.' - -Mr. Pickwick bowed. - -'Going outside?' said the red-haired man. -Mr. Pickwick bowed again. - -'Bless my soul, how remarkable--I am going outside, too,' said -the red-haired man; 'we are positively going together.' And the -red-haired man, who was an important-looking, sharp-nosed, -mysterious-spoken personage, with a bird-like habit of giving his -head a jerk every time he said anything, smiled as if he had made -one of the strangest discoveries that ever fell to the lot of -human wisdom. - -'I am happy in the prospect of your company, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah,' said the new-comer, 'it's a good thing for both of us, -isn't it? Company, you see--company--is--is--it's a very -different thing from solitude--ain't it?' - -'There's no denying that 'ere,' said Mr. Weller, joining in the -conversation, with an affable smile. 'That's what I call a self- -evident proposition, as the dog's-meat man said, when the -housemaid told him he warn't a gentleman.' - -'Ah,' said the red-haired man, surveying Mr. Weller from head -to foot with a supercilious look. 'Friend of yours, sir?' - -'Not exactly a friend,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in a low tone. -'The fact is, he is my servant, but I allow him to take a good many -liberties; for, between ourselves, I flatter myself he is an original, -and I am rather proud of him.' - -'Ah,' said the red-haired man, 'that, you see, is a matter of -taste. I am not fond of anything original; I don't like it; don't see -the necessity for it. What's your name, sir?' - -'Here is my card, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, much amused by -the abruptness of the question, and the singular manner of the stranger. - -'Ah,' said the red-haired man, placing the card in his pocket- -book, 'Pickwick; very good. I like to know a man's name, it -saves so much trouble. That's my card, sir. Magnus, you will -perceive, sir--Magnus is my name. It's rather a good name, I -think, sir.' - -'A very good name, indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick, wholly unable -to repress a smile. - -'Yes, I think it is,' resumed Mr. Magnus. 'There's a good -name before it, too, you will observe. Permit me, sir--if you hold -the card a little slanting, this way, you catch the light upon the -up-stroke. There--Peter Magnus--sounds well, I think, sir.' - -'Very,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Curious circumstance about those initials, sir,' said Mr. -Magnus. 'You will observe--P.M.--post meridian. In hasty -notes to intimate acquaintance, I sometimes sign myself "Afternoon." -It amuses my friends very much, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'It is calculated to afford them the highest gratification, I -should conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick, rather envying the ease with -which Mr. Magnus's friends were entertained. - -'Now, gen'l'm'n,' said the hostler, 'coach is ready, if you please.' - -'Is all my luggage in?' inquired Mr. Magnus. - -'All right, sir.' - -'Is the red bag in?' - -'All right, Sir.' - -'And the striped bag?' - -'Fore boot, Sir.' - -'And the brown-paper parcel?' - -'Under the seat, Sir.' - -'And the leather hat-box?' - -'They're all in, Sir.' - -'Now, will you get up?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Excuse me,' replied Magnus, standing on the wheel. 'Excuse -me, Mr. Pickwick. I cannot consent to get up, in this state of -uncertainty. I am quite satisfied from that man's manner, that the -leather hat-box is not in.' - -The solemn protestations of the hostler being wholly -unavailing, the leather hat-box was obliged to be raked up from the -lowest depth of the boot, to satisfy him that it had been safely -packed; and after he had been assured on this head, he felt a -solemn presentiment, first, that the red bag was mislaid, and -next that the striped bag had been stolen, and then that the -brown-paper parcel 'had come untied.' At length when he had -received ocular demonstration of the groundless nature of each -and every of these suspicions, he consented to climb up to the -roof of the coach, observing that now he had taken everything -off his mind, he felt quite comfortable and happy. - -'You're given to nervousness, ain't you, Sir?' inquired Mr. -Weller, senior, eyeing the stranger askance, as he mounted to his place. - -'Yes; I always am rather about these little matters,' said the -stranger, 'but I am all right now--quite right.' - -'Well, that's a blessin', said Mr. Weller. 'Sammy, help your -master up to the box; t'other leg, Sir, that's it; give us your hand, -Sir. Up with you. You was a lighter weight when you was a boy, sir.' -'True enough, that, Mr. Weller,' said the breathless Mr. -Pickwick good-humouredly, as he took his seat on the box beside him. - -'Jump up in front, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'Now Villam, run -'em out. Take care o' the archvay, gen'l'm'n. "Heads," as the -pieman says. That'll do, Villam. Let 'em alone.' And away went -the coach up Whitechapel, to the admiration of the whole -population of that pretty densely populated quarter. - -'Not a wery nice neighbourhood, this, Sir,' said Sam, with a -touch of the hat, which always preceded his entering into -conversation with his master. - -'It is not indeed, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, surveying the -crowded and filthy street through which they were passing. - -'It's a wery remarkable circumstance, Sir,' said Sam, 'that -poverty and oysters always seem to go together.' - -'I don't understand you, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'What I mean, sir,' said Sam, 'is, that the poorer a place is, the -greater call there seems to be for oysters. Look here, sir; here's -a oyster-stall to every half-dozen houses. The street's lined vith -'em. Blessed if I don't think that ven a man's wery poor, -he rushes out of his lodgings, and eats oysters in reg'lar desperation.' - -'To be sure he does,' said Mr. Weller, senior; 'and it's just the -same vith pickled salmon!' - -'Those are two very remarkable facts, which never occurred to -me before,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'The very first place we stop at, -I'll make a note of them.' - -By this time they had reached the turnpike at Mile End; a -profound silence prevailed until they had got two or three miles -farther on, when Mr. Weller, senior, turning suddenly to Mr. -Pickwick, said-- - -'Wery queer life is a pike-keeper's, sir.' - -'A what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'A pike-keeper.' - -'What do you mean by a pike-keeper?' inquired Mr. Peter Magnus. - -'The old 'un means a turnpike-keeper, gen'l'm'n,' observed -Mr. Samuel Weller, in explanation. - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I see. Yes; very curious life. -Very uncomfortable.' - -'They're all on 'em men as has met vith some disappointment -in life,' said Mr. Weller, senior. - -'Ay, ay,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes. Consequence of vich, they retires from the world, and -shuts themselves up in pikes; partly with the view of being -solitary, and partly to rewenge themselves on mankind by takin' tolls.' - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I never knew that before.' - -'Fact, Sir,' said Mr. Weller; 'if they was gen'l'm'n, you'd -call 'em misanthropes, but as it is, they only takes to pike-keepin'.' - -With such conversation, possessing the inestimable charm of -blending amusement with instruction, did Mr. Weller beguile the -tediousness of the journey, during the greater part of the day. -Topics of conversation were never wanting, for even when any -pause occurred in Mr. Weller's loquacity, it was abundantly -supplied by the desire evinced by Mr. Magnus to make himself -acquainted with the whole of the personal history of his fellow- -travellers, and his loudly-expressed anxiety at every stage, -respecting the safety and well-being of the two bags, the leather -hat-box, and the brown-paper parcel. - -In the main street of Ipswich, on the left-hand side of the way, -a short distance after you have passed through the open space -fronting the Town Hall, stands an inn known far and wide by the -appellation of the Great White Horse, rendered the more -conspicuous by a stone statue of some rampacious animal with -flowing mane and tail, distantly resembling an insane cart-horse, -which is elevated above the principal door. The Great White -Horse is famous in the neighbourhood, in the same degree as a -prize ox, or a county-paper-chronicled turnip, or unwieldy pig-- -for its enormous size. Never was such labyrinths of uncarpeted -passages, such clusters of mouldy, ill-lighted rooms, such huge -numbers of small dens for eating or sleeping in, beneath any one -roof, as are collected together between the four walls of the -Great White Horse at Ipswich. - -It was at the door of this overgrown tavern that the London -coach stopped, at the same hour every evening; and it was from -this same London coach that Mr. Pickwick, Sam Weller, and -Mr. Peter Magnus dismounted, on the particular evening to -which this chapter of our history bears reference. - -'Do you stop here, sir?' inquired Mr. Peter Magnus, when the -striped bag, and the red bag, and the brown-paper parcel, and the -leather hat-box, had all been deposited in the passage. 'Do you -stop here, sir?' - -'I do,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Magnus, 'I never knew anything like these -extraordinary coincidences. Why, I stop here too. I hope we -dine together?' - -'With pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'I am not quite certain -whether I have any friends here or not, though. Is there any -gentleman of the name of Tupman here, waiter?' - -A corpulent man, with a fortnight's napkin under his arm, and -coeval stockings on his legs, slowly desisted from his occupation -of staring down the street, on this question being put to him by -Mr. Pickwick; and, after minutely inspecting that gentleman's -appearance, from the crown of his hat to the lowest button of his -gaiters, replied emphatically-- - -'No!' - -'Nor any gentleman of the name of Snodgrass?' inquired -Mr. Pickwick. - -'No!' - -'Nor Winkle?' - -'No!' - -'My friends have not arrived to-day, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'We will dine alone, then. Show us a private room, waiter.' - -On this request being preferred, the corpulent man -condescended to order the boots to bring in the gentlemen's luggage; -and preceding them down a long, dark passage, ushered them -into a large, badly-furnished apartment, with a dirty grate, in -which a small fire was making a wretched attempt to be cheerful, -but was fast sinking beneath the dispiriting influence of the place. -After the lapse of an hour, a bit of fish and a steak was served up -to the travellers, and when the dinner was cleared away, Mr. -Pickwick and Mr. Peter Magnus drew their chairs up to the fire, -and having ordered a bottle of the worst possible port wine, at -the highest possible price, for the good of the house, drank -brandy-and-water for their own. - -Mr. Peter Magnus was naturally of a very communicative -disposition, and the brandy-and-water operated with wonderful -effect in warming into life the deepest hidden secrets of his -bosom. After sundry accounts of himself, his family, his connections, -his friends, his jokes, his business, and his brothers (most -talkative men have a great deal to say about their brothers), -Mr. Peter Magnus took a view of Mr. Pickwick through his -coloured spectacles for several minutes, and then said, with an -air of modesty-- - -'And what do you think--what DO you think, Mr. Pickwick--I -have come down here for?' - -'Upon my word,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'it is wholly impossible -for me to guess; on business, perhaps.' - -'Partly right, Sir,' replied Mr. Peter Magnus, 'but partly wrong -at the same time; try again, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Really,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I must throw myself on your -mercy, to tell me or not, as you may think best; for I should never -guess, if I were to try all night.' - -'Why, then, he-he-he!' said Mr. Peter Magnus, with a -bashful titter, 'what should you think, Mr. Pickwick, if I had -come down here to make a proposal, Sir, eh? He, he, he!' - -'Think! That you are very likely to succeed,' replied Mr. -Pickwick, with one of his beaming smiles. -'Ah!' said Mr. Magnus. 'But do you really think so, Mr. -Pickwick? Do you, though?' - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No; but you're joking, though.' - -'I am not, indeed.' - -'Why, then,' said Mr. Magnus, 'to let you into a little secret, I -think so too. I don't mind telling you, Mr. Pickwick, although -I'm dreadful jealous by nature--horrid--that the lady is in this -house.' Here Mr. Magnus took off his spectacles, on purpose to -wink, and then put them on again. - -'That's what you were running out of the room for, before -dinner, then, so often,' said Mr. Pickwick archly. - -'Hush! Yes, you're right, that was it; not such a fool as to see -her, though.' - -'No!' - -'No; wouldn't do, you know, after having just come off a -journey. Wait till to-morrow, sir; double the chance then. Mr. -Pickwick, Sir, there is a suit of clothes in that bag, and a hat in -that box, which, I expect, in the effect they will produce, will be -invaluable to me, sir.' - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes; you must have observed my anxiety about them to-day. -I do not believe that such another suit of clothes, and such a hat, -could be bought for money, Mr. Pickwick.' - -Mr. Pickwick congratulated the fortunate owner of the -irresistible garments on their acquisition; and Mr. Peter Magnus -remained a few moments apparently absorbed in contemplation. -'She's a fine creature,' said Mr. Magnus. - -'Is she?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very,' said Mr. Magnus. 'very. She lives about twenty miles -from here, Mr. Pickwick. I heard she would be here to-night and -all to-morrow forenoon, and came down to seize the opportunity. -I think an inn is a good sort of a place to propose to a single -woman in, Mr. Pickwick. She is more likely to feel the loneliness -of her situation in travelling, perhaps, than she would be at home. -What do you think, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'I think it is very probable,' replied that gentleman. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, -'but I am naturally rather curious; what may you have come -down here for?' - -'On a far less pleasant errand, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, the -colour mounting to his face at the recollection. 'I have come -down here, Sir, to expose the treachery and falsehood of an -individual, upon whose truth and honour I placed implicit reliance.' - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'that's very unpleasant. It is -a lady, I presume? Eh? ah! Sly, Mr. Pickwick, sly. Well, Mr. -Pickwick, sir, I wouldn't probe your feelings for the world. -Painful subjects, these, sir, very painful. Don't mind me, Mr. -Pickwick, if you wish to give vent to your feelings. I know what -it is to be jilted, Sir; I have endured that sort of thing three or -four times.' - -'I am much obliged to you, for your condolence on what you -presume to be my melancholy case,' said Mr. Pickwick, winding -up his watch, and laying it on the table, 'but--' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'not a word more; it's a -painful subject. I see, I see. What's the time, Mr. Pickwick?' -'Past twelve.' - -'Dear me, it's time to go to bed. It will never do, sitting here. I -shall be pale to-morrow, Mr. Pickwick.' - -At the bare notion of such a calamity, Mr. Peter Magnus rang -the bell for the chambermaid; and the striped bag, the red bag, -the leathern hat-box, and the brown-paper parcel, having been -conveyed to his bedroom, he retired in company with a japanned -candlestick, to one side of the house, while Mr. Pickwick, and -another japanned candlestick, were conducted through a multitude -of tortuous windings, to another. - -'This is your room, sir,' said the chambermaid. - -'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking round him. It was a -tolerably large double-bedded room, with a fire; upon the whole, -a more comfortable-looking apartment than Mr. Pickwick's -short experience of the accommodations of the Great White -Horse had led him to expect. - -'Nobody sleeps in the other bed, of course,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, no, Sir.' - -'Very good. Tell my servant to bring me up some hot water at -half-past eight in the morning, and that I shall not want him any -more to-night.' - -'Yes, Sir,' and bidding Mr. Pickwick good-night, the chambermaid -retired, and left him alone. - -Mr. Pickwick sat himself down in a chair before the fire, and -fell into a train of rambling meditations. First he thought of his -friends, and wondered when they would join him; then his mind -reverted to Mrs. Martha Bardell; and from that lady it wandered, -by a natural process, to the dingy counting-house of Dodson & -Fogg. From Dodson & Fogg's it flew off at a tangent, to the very -centre of the history of the queer client; and then it came back to -the Great White Horse at Ipswich, with sufficient clearness to -convince Mr. Pickwick that he was falling asleep. So he roused -himself, and began to undress, when he recollected he had left his -watch on the table downstairs. - -Now this watch was a special favourite with Mr. Pickwick, -having been carried about, beneath the shadow of his waistcoat, -for a greater number of years than we feel called upon to state at -present. The possibility of going to sleep, unless it were ticking -gently beneath his pillow, or in the watch-pocket over his head, -had never entered Mr. Pickwick's brain. So as it was pretty late -now, and he was unwilling to ring his bell at that hour of the -night, he slipped on his coat, of which he had just divested -himself, and taking the japanned candlestick in his hand, walked -quietly downstairs. -The more stairs Mr. Pickwick went down, the more stairs -there seemed to be to descend, and again and again, when Mr. -Pickwick got into some narrow passage, and began to congratulate -himself on having gained the ground-floor, did another flight -of stairs appear before his astonished eyes. At last he reached a -stone hall, which he remembered to have seen when he entered -the house. Passage after passage did he explore; room after room -did he peep into; at length, as he was on the point of giving up the -search in despair, he opened the door of the identical room in -which he had spent the evening, and beheld his missing property -on the table. - -Mr. Pickwick seized the watch in triumph, and proceeded to -retrace his steps to his bedchamber. If his progress downward had -been attended with difficulties and uncertainty, his journey back -was infinitely more perplexing. Rows of doors, garnished with -boots of every shape, make, and size, branched off in every -possible direction. A dozen times did he softly turn the handle of -some bedroom door which resembled his own, when a gruff cry -from within of 'Who the devil's that?' or 'What do you want -here?' caused him to steal away, on tiptoe, with a perfectly -marvellous celerity. He was reduced to the verge of despair, when -an open door attracted his attention. He peeped in. Right at last! -There were the two beds, whose situation he perfectly remembered, -and the fire still burning. His candle, not a long one when he -first received it, had flickered away in the drafts of air through -which he had passed and sank into the socket as he closed the -door after him. 'No matter,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I can undress -myself just as well by the light of the fire.' - -The bedsteads stood one on each side of the door; and on the -inner side of each was a little path, terminating in a rush- -bottomed chair, just wide enough to admit of a person's getting -into or out of bed, on that side, if he or she thought proper. -Having carefully drawn the curtains of his bed on the outside, -Mr. Pickwick sat down on the rush-bottomed chair, and leisurely -divested himself of his shoes and gaiters. He then took off and -folded up his coat, waistcoat, and neckcloth, and slowly drawing -on his tasselled nightcap, secured it firmly on his head, by tying -beneath his chin the strings which he always had attached to that -article of dress. It was at this moment that the absurdity of his -recent bewilderment struck upon his mind. Throwing himself -back in the rush-bottomed chair, Mr. Pickwick laughed to -himself so heartily, that it would have been quite delightful to -any man of well-constituted mind to have watched the smiles -that expanded his amiable features as they shone forth from -beneath the nightcap. - -'It is the best idea,' said Mr. Pickwick to himself, smiling till he -almost cracked the nightcap strings--'it is the best idea, my -losing myself in this place, and wandering about these staircases, -that I ever heard of. Droll, droll, very droll.' Here Mr. Pickwick -smiled again, a broader smile than before, and was about to -continue the process of undressing, in the best possible humour, -when he was suddenly stopped by a most unexpected interruption: -to wit, the entrance into the room of some person with a -candle, who, after locking the door, advanced to the dressing- -table, and set down the light upon it. - -The smile that played on Mr. Pickwick's features was -instantaneously lost in a look of the most unbounded and wonder- -stricken surprise. The person, whoever it was, had come in so -suddenly and with so little noise, that Mr. Pickwick had had no -time to call out, or oppose their entrance. Who could it be? A -robber? Some evil-minded person who had seen him come -upstairs with a handsome watch in his hand, perhaps. What was -he to do? - -The only way in which Mr. Pickwick could catch a glimpse of -his mysterious visitor with the least danger of being seen himself, -was by creeping on to the bed, and peeping out from between the -curtains on the opposite side. To this manoeuvre he accordingly -resorted. Keeping the curtains carefully closed with his hand, so -that nothing more of him could be seen than his face and nightcap, -and putting on his spectacles, he mustered up courage and -looked out. - -Mr. Pickwick almost fainted with horror and dismay. Standing -before the dressing-glass was a middle-aged lady, in yellow curl- -papers, busily engaged in brushing what ladies call their 'back- -hair.' However the unconscious middle-aged lady came into that -room, it was quite clear that she contemplated remaining there -for the night; for she had brought a rushlight and shade with her, -which, with praiseworthy precaution against fire, she had -stationed in a basin on the floor, where it was glimmering away, -like a gigantic lighthouse in a particularly small piece of water. - -'Bless my soul!' thought Mr. Pickwick, 'what a dreadful thing!' - -'Hem!' said the lady; and in went Mr. Pickwick's head with -automaton-like rapidity. - -'I never met with anything so awful as this,' thought poor -Mr. Pickwick, the cold perspiration starting in drops upon his -nightcap. 'Never. This is fearful.' - -It was quite impossible to resist the urgent desire to see what -was going forward. So out went Mr. Pickwick's head again. The -prospect was worse than before. The middle-aged lady had -finished arranging her hair; had carefully enveloped it in a muslin -nightcap with a small plaited border; and was gazing pensively -on the fire. - -'This matter is growing alarming,' reasoned Mr. Pickwick with -himself. 'I can't allow things to go on in this way. By the self- -possession of that lady, it is clear to me that I must have come -into the wrong room. If I call out she'll alarm the house; but if I -remain here the consequences will be still more frightful.' -Mr. Pickwick, it is quite unnecessary to say, was one of the -most modest and delicate-minded of mortals. The very idea of -exhibiting his nightcap to a lady overpowered him, but he had -tied those confounded strings in a knot, and, do what he would, -he couldn't get it off. The disclosure must be made. There was -only one other way of doing it. He shrunk behind the curtains, -and called out very loudly-- - -'Ha-hum!' - -That the lady started at this unexpected sound was evident, by -her falling up against the rushlight shade; that she persuaded -herself it must have been the effect of imagination was equally -clear, for when Mr. Pickwick, under the impression that she had -fainted away stone-dead with fright, ventured to peep out again, -she was gazing pensively on the fire as before. - -'Most extraordinary female this,' thought Mr. Pickwick, -popping in again. 'Ha-hum!' - -These last sounds, so like those in which, as legends inform us, -the ferocious giant Blunderbore was in the habit of expressing his -opinion that it was time to lay the cloth, were too distinctly -audible to be again mistaken for the workings of fancy. - -'Gracious Heaven!' said the middle-aged lady, 'what's that?' - -'It's-- it's--only a gentleman, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, from -behind the curtains. - -'A gentleman!' said the lady, with a terrific scream. - -'It's all over!' thought Mr. Pickwick. - -'A strange man!' shrieked the lady. Another instant and the -house would be alarmed. Her garments rustled as she rushed -towards the door. - -'Ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, thrusting out his head. in the -extremity of his desperation, 'ma'am!' - -Now, although Mr. Pickwick was not actuated by any definite -object in putting out his head, it was instantaneously productive -of a good effect. The lady, as we have already stated, was near the -door. She must pass it, to reach the staircase, and she would most -undoubtedly have done so by this time, had not the sudden -apparition of Mr. Pickwick's nightcap driven her back into the -remotest corner of the apartment, where she stood staring wildly -at Mr. Pickwick, while Mr. Pickwick in his turn stared wildly -at her. - -'Wretch,' said the lady, covering her eyes with her hands, -'what do you want here?' - -'Nothing, ma'am; nothing whatever, ma'am,' said Mr. -Pickwick earnestly. - -'Nothing!' said the lady, looking up. - -'Nothing, ma'am, upon my honour,' said Mr. Pickwick, -nodding his head so energetically, that the tassel of his nightcap -danced again. 'I am almost ready to sink, ma'am, beneath the -confusion of addressing a lady in my nightcap (here the lady -hastily snatched off hers), but I can't get it off, ma'am (here Mr. -Pickwick gave it a tremendous tug, in proof of the statement). It -is evident to me, ma'am, now, that I have mistaken this bedroom -for my own. I had not been here five minutes, ma'am, when you -suddenly entered it.' - -'If this improbable story be really true, Sir,' said the lady, -sobbing violently, 'you will leave it instantly.' - -'I will, ma'am, with the greatest pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Instantly, sir,' said the lady. - -'Certainly, ma'am,' interposed Mr. Pickwick, very quickly. -'Certainly, ma'am. I--I--am very sorry, ma'am,' said Mr. -Pickwick, making his appearance at the bottom of the bed, 'to -have been the innocent occasion of this alarm and emotion; -deeply sorry, ma'am.' - -The lady pointed to the door. One excellent quality of Mr. -Pickwick's character was beautifully displayed at this moment, -under the most trying circumstances. Although he had hastily -Put on his hat over his nightcap, after the manner of the old -patrol; although he carried his shoes and gaiters in his hand, and -his coat and waistcoat over his arm; nothing could subdue his -native politeness. - -'I am exceedingly sorry, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, bowing -very low. - -'If you are, Sir, you will at once leave the room,' said the lady. - -'Immediately, ma'am; this instant, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, -opening the door, and dropping both his shoes with a crash in so doing. - -'I trust, ma'am,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, gathering up his shoes, -and turning round to bow again--'I trust, ma'am, that my -unblemished character, and the devoted respect I entertain for your -sex, will plead as some slight excuse for this--' But before Mr. -Pickwick could conclude the sentence, the lady had thrust him -into the passage, and locked and bolted the door behind him. - -Whatever grounds of self-congratulation Mr. Pickwick might -have for having escaped so quietly from his late awkward -situation, his present position was by no means enviable. He was -alone, in an open passage, in a strange house in the middle of the -night, half dressed; it was not to be supposed that he could find -his way in perfect darkness to a room which he had been wholly -unable to discover with a light, and if he made the slightest noise -in his fruitless attempts to do so, he stood every chance of being -shot at, and perhaps killed, by some wakeful traveller. He had no -resource but to remain where he was until daylight appeared. So -after groping his way a few paces down the passage, and, to his -infinite alarm, stumbling over several pairs of boots in so doing, -Mr. Pickwick crouched into a little recess in the wall, to wait for -morning, as philosophically as he might. - -He was not destined, however, to undergo this additional trial -of patience; for he had not been long ensconced in his present -concealment when, to his unspeakable horror, a man, bearing a -light, appeared at the end of the passage. His horror was suddenly -converted into joy, however, when he recognised the form of his -faithful attendant. It was indeed Mr. Samuel Weller, who after -sitting up thus late, in conversation with the boots, who was -sitting up for the mail, was now about to retire to rest. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, suddenly appearing before him, -'where's my bedroom?' - -Mr. Weller stared at his master with the most emphatic -surprise; and it was not until the question had been repeated -three several times, that he turned round, and led the way to the -long-sought apartment. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he got into bed, 'I have made one -of the most extraordinary mistakes to-night, that ever were -heard of.' - -'Wery likely, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller drily. - -'But of this I am determined, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'that if -I were to stop in this house for six months, I would never trust -myself about it, alone, again.' - -'That's the wery prudentest resolution as you could come to, -Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'You rayther want somebody to look -arter you, Sir, when your judgment goes out a wisitin'.' - -'What do you mean by that, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. He -raised himself in bed, and extended his hand, as if he were about -to say something more; but suddenly checking himself, turned -round, and bade his valet 'Good-night.' - -'Good-night, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. He paused when he got -outside the door--shook his head--walked on--stopped-- -snuffed the candle--shook his head again--and finally proceeded -slowly to his chamber, apparently buried in the profoundest meditation. - - -CHAPTER XXIII -IN WHICH Mr. SAMUEL WELLER BEGINS TO DEVOTE HIS - ENERGIES TO THE RETURN MATCH BETWEEN HIMSELF - AND Mr. TROTTER - - -In a small room in the vicinity of the stableyard, betimes in the -morning, which was ushered in by Mr. Pickwick's adventure with the -middle--aged lady in the yellow curl-papers, sat Mr. Weller, senior, -preparing himself for his journey to London. He was sitting in an -excellent attitude for having his portrait taken; and here it is. - -It is very possible that at some earlier period of his career, -Mr. Weller's profile might have presented a bold and determined -outline. His face, however, had expanded under the influence of -good living, and a disposition remarkable for resignation; and its -bold, fleshy curves had so far extended beyond the limits originally -assigned them, that unless you took a full view of his countenance -in front, it was difficult to distinguish more than the extreme tip -of a very rubicund nose. His chin, from the same cause, had -acquired the grave and imposing form which is generally -described by prefixing the word 'double' to that expressive -feature; and his complexion exhibited that peculiarly mottled -combination of colours which is only to be seen in gentlemen of -his profession, and in underdone roast beef. Round his neck he -wore a crimson travelling-shawl, which merged into his chin by -such imperceptible gradations, that it was difficult to distinguish -the folds of the one, from the folds of the other. Over this, he -mounted a long waistcoat of a broad pink-striped pattern, and -over that again, a wide-skirted green coat, ornamented with large -brass buttons, whereof the two which garnished the waist, were -so far apart, that no man had ever beheld them both at the same -time. His hair, which was short, sleek, and black, was just visible -beneath the capacious brim of a low-crowned brown hat. His legs -were encased in knee-cord breeches, and painted top-boots; and a -copper watch-chain, terminating in one seal, and a key of the -same material, dangled loosely from his capacious waistband. - -We have said that Mr. Weller was engaged in preparing for his -journey to London--he was taking sustenance, in fact. On the -table before him, stood a pot of ale, a cold round of beef, and a -very respectable-looking loaf, to each of which he distributed his -favours in turn, with the most rigid impartiality. He had just cut -a mighty slice from the latter, when the footsteps of somebody -entering the room, caused him to raise his head; and he beheld -his son. - -'Mornin', Sammy!' said the father. - -The son walked up to the pot of ale, and nodding significantly -to his parent, took a long draught by way of reply. - -'Wery good power o' suction, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller the -elder, looking into the pot, when his first-born had set it down -half empty. 'You'd ha' made an uncommon fine oyster, Sammy, -if you'd been born in that station o' life.' - -'Yes, I des-say, I should ha' managed to pick up a respectable -livin',' replied Sam applying himself to the cold beef, with -considerable vigour. - -'I'm wery sorry, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, shaking -up the ale, by describing small circles with the pot, preparatory -to drinking. 'I'm wery sorry, Sammy, to hear from your lips, as -you let yourself be gammoned by that 'ere mulberry man. I -always thought, up to three days ago, that the names of Veller -and gammon could never come into contract, Sammy, never.' - -'Always exceptin' the case of a widder, of course,' said Sam. - -'Widders, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, slightly changing -colour. 'Widders are 'ceptions to ev'ry rule. I have heerd how -many ordinary women one widder's equal to in pint o' comin' -over you. I think it's five-and-twenty, but I don't rightly know -vether it ain't more.' - -'Well; that's pretty well,' said Sam. - -'Besides,' continued Mr. Weller, not noticing the interruption, -'that's a wery different thing. You know what the counsel said, -Sammy, as defended the gen'l'm'n as beat his wife with the poker, -venever he got jolly. "And arter all, my Lord," says he, "it's a -amiable weakness." So I says respectin' widders, Sammy, and so -you'll say, ven you gets as old as me.' - -'I ought to ha' know'd better, I know,' said Sam. - -'Ought to ha' know'd better!' repeated Mr. Weller, striking the -table with his fist. 'Ought to ha' know'd better! why, I know a -young 'un as hasn't had half nor quarter your eddication--as -hasn't slept about the markets, no, not six months--who'd ha' -scorned to be let in, in such a vay; scorned it, Sammy.' In the -excitement of feeling produced by this agonising reflection, Mr. -Weller rang the bell, and ordered an additional pint of ale. - -'Well, it's no use talking about it now,' said Sam. 'It's over, -and can't be helped, and that's one consolation, as they always -says in Turkey, ven they cuts the wrong man's head off. It's my -innings now, gov'nor, and as soon as I catches hold o' this 'ere -Trotter, I'll have a good 'un.' - -'I hope you will, Sammy. I hope you will,' returned Mr. Weller. -'Here's your health, Sammy, and may you speedily vipe off the -disgrace as you've inflicted on the family name.' In honour of -this toast Mr. Weller imbibed at a draught, at least two-thirds of -a newly-arrived pint, and handed it over to his son, to dispose of -the remainder, which he instantaneously did. - -'And now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, consulting a large double- -faced silver watch that hung at the end of the copper chain. -'Now it's time I was up at the office to get my vay-bill and see the -coach loaded; for coaches, Sammy, is like guns--they requires -to be loaded with wery great care, afore they go off.' - -At this parental and professional joke, Mr. Weller, junior, -smiled a filial smile. His revered parent continued in a solemn tone-- - -'I'm a-goin' to leave you, Samivel, my boy, and there's no -telling ven I shall see you again. Your mother-in-law may ha' -been too much for me, or a thousand things may have happened -by the time you next hears any news o' the celebrated Mr. Veller -o' the Bell Savage. The family name depends wery much upon -you, Samivel, and I hope you'll do wot's right by it. Upon all -little pints o' breedin', I know I may trust you as vell as if it was -my own self. So I've only this here one little bit of adwice to give -you. If ever you gets to up'ards o' fifty, and feels disposed to go -a-marryin' anybody--no matter who--jist you shut yourself up -in your own room, if you've got one, and pison yourself off hand. -Hangin's wulgar, so don't you have nothin' to say to that. Pison -yourself, Samivel, my boy, pison yourself, and you'll be glad on -it arterwards.' With these affecting words, Mr. Weller looked -steadfastly on his son, and turning slowly upon his heel, -disappeared from his sight. - -In the contemplative mood which these words had awakened, -Mr. Samuel Weller walked forth from the Great White Horse -when his father had left him; and bending his steps towards St. -Clement's Church, endeavoured to dissipate his melancholy, by -strolling among its ancient precincts. He had loitered about, for -some time, when he found himself in a retired spot--a kind of -courtyard of venerable appearance--which he discovered had no -other outlet than the turning by which he had entered. He was -about retracing his steps, when he was suddenly transfixed to the -spot by a sudden appearance; and the mode and manner of this -appearance, we now proceed to relate. - -Mr. Samuel Weller had been staring up at the old brick houses -now and then, in his deep abstraction, bestowing a wink upon -some healthy-looking servant girl as she drew up a blind, or -threw open a bedroom window, when the green gate of a garden -at the bottom of the yard opened, and a man having emerged -therefrom, closed the green gate very carefully after him, and -walked briskly towards the very spot where Mr. Weller was standing. - -Now, taking this, as an isolated fact, unaccompanied by any -attendant circumstances, there was nothing very extraordinary in -it; because in many parts of the world men do come out of -gardens, close green gates after them, and even walk briskly -away, without attracting any particular share of public observation. -It is clear, therefore, that there must have been something in -the man, or in his manner, or both, to attract Mr. Weller's -particular notice. Whether there was, or not, we must leave the -reader to determine, when we have faithfully recorded the -behaviour of the individual in question. - -When the man had shut the green gate after him, he walked, -as we have said twice already, with a brisk pace up the courtyard; -but he no sooner caught sight of Mr. Weller than he faltered, and -stopped, as if uncertain, for the moment, what course to adopt. -As the green gate was closed behind him, and there was no other -outlet but the one in front, however, he was not long in perceiving -that he must pass Mr. Samuel Weller to get away. He therefore -resumed his brisk pace, and advanced, staring straight before -him. The most extraordinary thing about the man was, that he -was contorting his face into the most fearful and astonishing -grimaces that ever were beheld. Nature's handiwork never was -disguised with such extraordinary artificial carving, as the man -had overlaid his countenance with in one moment. - -'Well!' said Mr. Weller to himself, as the man approached. -'This is wery odd. I could ha' swore it was him.' - -Up came the man, and his face became more frightfully -distorted than ever, as he drew nearer. - -'I could take my oath to that 'ere black hair and mulberry suit,' -said Mr. Weller; 'only I never see such a face as that afore.' - -As Mr. Weller said this, the man's features assumed an -unearthly twinge, perfectly hideous. He was obliged to pass very -near Sam, however, and the scrutinising glance of that gentleman -enabled him to detect, under all these appalling twists of feature, -something too like the small eyes of Mr. Job Trotter to be -easily mistaken. - -'Hollo, you Sir!' shouted Sam fiercely. - -The stranger stopped. - -'Hollo!' repeated Sam, still more gruffly. - -The man with the horrible face looked, with the greatest -surprise, up the court, and down the court, and in at the windows -of the houses--everywhere but at Sam Weller--and took another -step forward, when he was brought to again by another shout. - -'Hollo, you sir!' said Sam, for the third time. - -There was no pretending to mistake where the voice came -from now, so the stranger, having no other resource, at last -looked Sam Weller full in the face. - -'It won't do, Job Trotter,' said Sam. 'Come! None o' that 'ere -nonsense. You ain't so wery 'andsome that you can afford to -throw avay many o' your good looks. Bring them 'ere eyes o' -yourn back into their proper places, or I'll knock 'em out of -your head. D'ye hear?' - -As Mr. Weller appeared fully disposed to act up to the spirit of -this address, Mr. Trotter gradually allowed his face to resume its -natural expression; and then giving a start of joy, exclaimed, -'What do I see? Mr. Walker!' - -'Ah,' replied Sam. 'You're wery glad to see me, ain't you?' - -'Glad!' exclaimed Job Trotter; 'oh, Mr. Walker, if you had but -known how I have looked forward to this meeting! It is too -much, Mr. Walker; I cannot bear it, indeed I cannot.' And with -these words, Mr. Trotter burst into a regular inundation of tears, -and, flinging his arms around those of Mr. Weller, embraced him -closely, in an ecstasy of joy. - -'Get off!' cried Sam, indignant at this process, and vainly -endeavouring to extricate himself from the grasp of his -enthusiastic acquaintance. 'Get off, I tell you. What are you crying -over me for, you portable engine?' - -'Because I am so glad to see you,' replied Job Trotter, gradually -releasing Mr. Weller, as the first symptoms of his pugnacity -disappeared. 'Oh, Mr. Walker, this is too much.' - -'Too much!' echoed Sam, 'I think it is too much--rayther! -Now, what have you got to say to me, eh?' - -Mr. Trotter made no reply; for the little pink pocket-handkerchief -was in full force. - -'What have you got to say to me, afore I knock your head off?' -repeated Mr. Weller, in a threatening manner. - -'Eh!' said Mr. Trotter, with a look of virtuous surprise. - -'What have you got to say to me?' - -'I, Mr. Walker!' - -'Don't call me Valker; my name's Veller; you know that vell -enough. What have you got to say to me?' - -'Bless you, Mr. Walker--Weller, I mean--a great many things, -if you will come away somewhere, where we can talk comfortably. -If you knew how I have looked for you, Mr. Weller--' - -'Wery hard, indeed, I s'pose?' said Sam drily. - -'Very, very, Sir,' replied Mr. Trotter, without moving a muscle -of his face. 'But shake hands, Mr. Weller.' - -Sam eyed his companion for a few seconds, and then, as if -actuated by a sudden impulse, complied with his request. -'How,' said Job Trotter, as they walked away, 'how is your -dear, good master? Oh, he is a worthy gentleman, Mr. Weller! -I hope he didn't catch cold, that dreadful night, Sir.' - -There was a momentary look of deep slyness in Job Trotter's -eye, as he said this, which ran a thrill through Mr. Weller's -clenched fist, as he burned with a desire to make a demonstration -on his ribs. Sam constrained himself, however, and replied that -his master was extremely well. - -'Oh, I am so glad,' replied Mr. Trotter; 'is he here?' - -'Is yourn?' asked Sam, by way of reply. - -'Oh, yes, he is here, and I grieve to say, Mr. Weller, he is going -on worse than ever.' - -'Ah, ah!' said Sam. - -'Oh, shocking--terrible!' - -'At a boarding-school?' said Sam. - -'No, not at a boarding-school,' replied Job Trotter, with the -same sly look which Sam had noticed before; 'not at a -boarding-school.' - -'At the house with the green gate?' said Sam, eyeing his -companion closely. - -'No, no--oh, not there,' replied Job, with a quickness very -unusual to him, 'not there.' - -'What was you a-doin' there?' asked Sam, with a sharp glance. -'Got inside the gate by accident, perhaps?' - -'Why, Mr. Weller,' replied Job, 'I don't mind telling you my -little secrets, because, you know, we took such a fancy for each -other when we first met. You recollect how pleasant we were -that morning?' - -'Oh, yes,' said Sam, impatiently. 'I remember. Well?' - -'Well,' replied Job, speaking with great precision, and in the -low tone of a man who communicates an important secret; 'in -that house with the green gate, Mr. Weller, they keep a good -many servants.' - -'So I should think, from the look on it,' interposed Sam. - -'Yes,' continued Mr. Trotter, 'and one of them is a cook, who -has saved up a little money, Mr. Weller, and is desirous, if she -can establish herself in life, to open a little shop in the chandlery -way, you see.' -'Yes.' - -'Yes, Mr. Weller. Well, Sir, I met her at a chapel that I go to; a -very neat little chapel in this town, Mr. Weller, where they sing -the number four collection of hymns, which I generally carry -about with me, in a little book, which you may perhaps have seen -in my hand--and I got a little intimate with her, Mr. Weller, and -from that, an acquaintance sprung up between us, and I may -venture to say, Mr. Weller, that I am to be the chandler.' - -'Ah, and a wery amiable chandler you'll make,' replied Sam, -eyeing Job with a side look of intense dislike. - -'The great advantage of this, Mr. Weller,' continued Job, his -eyes filling with tears as he spoke, 'will be, that I shall be able to -leave my present disgraceful service with that bad man, and to -devote myself to a better and more virtuous life; more like the -way in which I was brought up, Mr. Weller.' - -'You must ha' been wery nicely brought up,' said Sam. - -'Oh, very, Mr. Weller, very,' replied Job. At the recollection -of the purity of his youthful days, Mr. Trotter pulled forth the -pink handkerchief, and wept copiously. - -'You must ha' been an uncommon nice boy, to go to school -vith,' said Sam. - -'I was, sir,' replied Job, heaving a deep sigh; 'I was the idol of -the place.' - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'I don't wonder at it. What a comfort you -must ha' been to your blessed mother.' - -At these words, Mr. Job Trotter inserted an end of the pink -handkerchief into the corner of each eye, one after the other, and -began to weep copiously. - -'Wot's the matter with the man,' said Sam, indignantly. -'Chelsea water-works is nothin' to you. What are you melting -vith now? The consciousness o' willainy?' - -'I cannot keep my feelings down, Mr. Weller,' said Job, after a -short pause. 'To think that my master should have suspected the -conversation I had with yours, and so dragged me away in a -post-chaise, and after persuading the sweet young lady to say she -knew nothing of him, and bribing the school-mistress to do the -same, deserted her for a better speculation! Oh! Mr. Weller, it -makes me shudder.' - -'Oh, that was the vay, was it?' said Mr. Weller. - -'To be sure it was,' replied Job. - -'Vell,' said Sam, as they had now arrived near the hotel, 'I vant -to have a little bit o' talk with you, Job; so if you're not partickler -engaged, I should like to see you at the Great White Horse to- -night, somewheres about eight o'clock.' - -'I shall be sure to come,' said Job. - -'Yes, you'd better,' replied Sam, with a very meaning look, 'or -else I shall perhaps be askin' arter you, at the other side of the -green gate, and then I might cut you out, you know.' - -'I shall be sure to be with you, sir,' said Mr. Trotter; -and wringing Sam's hand with the utmost fervour, he walked away. - -'Take care, Job Trotter, take care,' said Sam, looking after -him, 'or I shall be one too many for you this time. I shall, -indeed.' Having uttered this soliloquy, and looked after Job till -he was to be seen no more, Mr. Weller made the best of his way -to his master's bedroom. - -'It's all in training, Sir,' said Sam. - -'What's in training, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I've found 'em out, Sir,' said Sam. - -'Found out who?' - -'That 'ere queer customer, and the melan-cholly chap with the -black hair.' - -'Impossible, Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, with the greatest energy. -'Where are they, Sam: where are they?' - -'Hush, hush!' replied Mr. Weller; and as he assisted Mr. -Pickwick to dress, he detailed the plan of action on which he -proposed to enter. - -'But when is this to be done, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'All in good time, Sir,' replied Sam. - -Whether it was done in good time, or not, will be seen hereafter. - - - -CHAPTER XXIV -WHEREIN Mr. PETER MAGNUS GROWS JEALOUS, AND THE - MIDDLE-AGED LADY APPREHENSIVE, WHICH BRINGS THE - PICKWICKIANS WITHIN THE GRASP OF THE LAW - - -When Mr. Pickwick descended to the room in which he and Mr. Peter -Magnus had spent the preceding evening, he found that gentleman with -the major part of the contents of the two bags, the leathern hat-box, -and the brown-paper parcel, displaying to all possible advantage -on his person, while he himself was pacing up and down the room in -a state of the utmost excitement and agitation. - -'Good-morning, Sir,' said Mr. Peter Magnus. 'What do you -think of this, Sir?' - -'Very effective indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, surveying the -garments of Mr. Peter Magnus with a good-natured smile. - -'Yes, I think it'll do,' said Mr. Magnus. 'Mr. Pickwick, Sir, I -have sent up my card.' - -'Have you?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'And the waiter brought back word, that she would see me at -eleven--at eleven, Sir; it only wants a quarter now.' - -'Very near the time,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, it is rather near,' replied Mr. Magnus, 'rather too near to -be pleasant--eh! Mr. Pickwick, sir?' - -'Confidence is a great thing in these cases,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'I believe it is, Sir,' said Mr. Peter Magnus. 'I am very confident, -Sir. Really, Mr. Pickwick, I do not see why a man should -feel any fear in such a case as this, sir. What is it, Sir? There's -nothing to be ashamed of; it's a matter of mutual accommodation, -nothing more. Husband on one side, wife on the other. That's -my view of the matter, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'It is a very philosophical one,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'But -breakfast is waiting, Mr. Magnus. Come.' - -Down they sat to breakfast, but it was evident, notwithstanding -the boasting of Mr. Peter Magnus, that he laboured -under a very considerable degree of nervousness, of which loss of -appetite, a propensity to upset the tea-things, a spectral attempt -at drollery, and an irresistible inclination to look at the clock, -every other second, were among the principal symptoms. - -'He-he-he,'tittered Mr. Magnus, affecting cheerfulness, and -gasping with agitation. 'It only wants two minutes, Mr. Pickwick. -Am I pale, Sir?' -'Not very,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -There was a brief pause. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick; but have you ever done this -sort of thing in your time?' said Mr. Magnus. - -'You mean proposing?' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Yes.' - -'Never,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great energy, 'never.' - -'You have no idea, then, how it's best to begin?' said Mr. Magnus. - -'Why,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I may have formed some ideas -upon the subject, but, as I have never submitted them to the test -of experience, I should be sorry if you were induced to regulate -your proceedings by them.' - -'I should feel very much obliged to you, for any advice, Sir,' -said Mr. Magnus, taking another look at the clock, the hand of -which was verging on the five minutes past. - -'Well, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with the profound solemnity -with which that great man could, when he pleased, render his -remarks so deeply impressive. 'I should commence, sir, with a -tribute to the lady's beauty and excellent qualities; from them, -Sir, I should diverge to my own unworthiness.' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Magnus. - -'Unworthiness for HER only, mind, sir,' resumed Mr. Pickwick; -'for to show that I was not wholly unworthy, sir, I should take a -brief review of my past life, and present condition. I should argue, -by analogy, that to anybody else, I must be a very desirable -object. I should then expatiate on the warmth of my love, and -the depth of my devotion. Perhaps I might then be tempted to -seize her hand.' - -'Yes, I see,' said Mr. Magnus; 'that would be a very great point.' - -'I should then, Sir,' continued Mr. Pickwick, growing warmer -as the subject presented itself in more glowing colours before -him--'I should then, Sir, come to the plain and simple question, -"Will you have me?" I think I am justified in assuming that -upon this, she would turn away her head.' - -'You think that may be taken for granted?' said Mr. Magnus; -'because, if she did not do that at the right place, it would -be embarrassing.' - -'I think she would,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Upon this, sir, I -should squeeze her hand, and I think--I think, Mr. Magnus-- -that after I had done that, supposing there was no refusal, I -should gently draw away the handkerchief, which my slight -knowledge of human nature leads me to suppose the lady would -be applying to her eyes at the moment, and steal a respectful kiss. -I think I should kiss her, Mr. Magnus; and at this particular -point, I am decidedly of opinion that if the lady were going to -take me at all, she would murmur into my ears a bashful acceptance.' - -Mr. Magnus started; gazed on Mr. Pickwick's intelligent face, -for a short time in silence; and then (the dial pointing to the ten -minutes past) shook him warmly by the hand, and rushed -desperately from the room. - -Mr. Pickwick had taken a few strides to and fro; and the small -hand of the clock following the latter part of his example, had -arrived at the figure which indicates the half-hour, when the door -suddenly opened. He turned round to meet Mr. Peter Magnus, -and encountered, in his stead, the joyous face of Mr. Tupman, -the serene countenance of Mr. Winkle, and the intellectual -lineaments of Mr. Snodgrass. As Mr. Pickwick greeted them, -Mr. Peter Magnus tripped into the room. - -'My friends, the gentleman I was speaking of--Mr. Magnus,' -said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Your servant, gentlemen,' said Mr. Magnus, evidently in a -high state of excitement; 'Mr. Pickwick, allow me to speak to you -one moment, sir.' - -As he said this, Mr. Magnus harnessed his forefinger to Mr. -Pickwick's buttonhole, and, drawing him to a window recess, said-- - -'Congratulate me, Mr. Pickwick; I followed your advice to the -very letter.' - -'And it was all correct, was it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'It was, Sir. Could not possibly have been better,' replied Mr. -Magnus. 'Mr. Pickwick, she is mine.' - -'I congratulate you, with all my heart,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -warmly shaking his new friend by the hand. - -'You must see her. Sir,' said Mr. Magnus; 'this way, if you -please. Excuse us for one instant, gentlemen.' Hurrying on in -this way, Mr. Peter Magnus drew Mr. Pickwick from the room. -He paused at the next door in the passage, and tapped gently thereat. - -'Come in,' said a female voice. And in they went. - -'Miss Witherfield,' said Mr. Magnus, 'allow me to introduce -my very particular friend, Mr. Pickwick. Mr. Pickwick, I beg to -make you known to Miss Witherfield.' - -The lady was at the upper end of the room. As Mr. Pickwick -bowed, he took his spectacles from his waistcoat pocket, and put -them on; a process which he had no sooner gone through, than, -uttering an exclamation of surprise, Mr. Pickwick retreated -several paces, and the lady, with a half-suppressed scream, hid -her face in her hands, and dropped into a chair; whereupon -Mr. Peter Magnus was stricken motionless on the spot, and gazed -from one to the other, with a countenance expressive of the -extremities of horror and surprise. -This certainly was, to all appearance, very unaccountable -behaviour; but the fact is, that Mr. Pickwick no sooner put on -his spectacles, than he at once recognised in the future Mrs. -Magnus the lady into whose room he had so unwarrantably -intruded on the previous night; and the spectacles had no sooner -crossed Mr. Pickwick's nose, than the lady at once identified the -countenance which she had seen surrounded by all the horrors of -a nightcap. So the lady screamed, and Mr. Pickwick started. - -'Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed Mr. Magnus, lost in astonishment, -'what is the meaning of this, Sir? What is the meaning of it, Sir?' -added Mr. Magnus, in a threatening, and a louder tone. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, somewhat indignant at the very sudden -manner in which Mr. Peter Magnus had conjugated himself into -the imperative mood, 'I decline answering that question.' - -'You decline it, Sir?' said Mr. Magnus. - -'I do, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'I object to say anything -which may compromise that lady, or awaken unpleasant recollections -in her breast, without her consent and permission.' - -'Miss Witherfield,' said Mr. Peter Magnus, 'do you know this person?' - -'Know him!' repeated the middle-aged lady, hesitating. - -'Yes, know him, ma'am; I said know him,' replied Mr. -Magnus, with ferocity. - -'I have seen him,' replied the middle-aged lady. - -'Where?' inquired Mr. Magnus, 'where?' - -'That,' said the middle-aged lady, rising from her seat, and -averting her head--'that I would not reveal for worlds.' - -'I understand you, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and respect -your delicacy; it shall never be revealed by ME depend upon it.' - -'Upon my word, ma'am,' said Mr. Magnus, 'considering the -situation in which I am placed with regard to yourself, you carry -this matter off with tolerable coolness--tolerable coolness, ma'am.' - -'Cruel Mr. Magnus!' said the middle-aged lady; here she wept -very copiously indeed. - -'Address your observations to me, sir,' interposed Mr. Pickwick; -'I alone am to blame, if anybody be.' - -'Oh! you alone are to blame, are you, sir?' said Mr. Magnus; -'I--I--see through this, sir. You repent of your determination -now, do you?' - -'My determination!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Your determination, Sir. Oh! don't stare at me, Sir,' said -Mr. Magnus; 'I recollect your words last night, Sir. You came -down here, sir, to expose the treachery and falsehood of an -individual on whose truth and honour you had placed implicit -reliance--eh?' Here Mr. Peter Magnus indulged in a prolonged -sneer; and taking off his green spectacles--which he probably -found superfluous in his fit of jealousy--rolled his little eyes -about, in a manner frightful to behold. - -'Eh?' said Mr. Magnus; and then he repeated the sneer with -increased effect. 'But you shall answer it, Sir.' - -'Answer what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never mind, sir,' replied Mr. Magnus, striding up and down -the room. 'Never mind.' - -There must be something very comprehensive in this phrase of -'Never mind,' for we do not recollect to have ever witnessed a -quarrel in the street, at a theatre, public room, or elsewhere, in -which it has not been the standard reply to all belligerent inquiries. -'Do you call yourself a gentleman, sir?'--'Never mind, sir.' 'Did -I offer to say anything to the young woman, sir?'--'Never mind, -sir.' 'Do you want your head knocked up against that wall, sir?' ---'Never mind, sir.' It is observable, too, that there would appear -to be some hidden taunt in this universal 'Never mind,' which -rouses more indignation in the bosom of the individual addressed, -than the most lavish abuse could possibly awaken. - -We do not mean to assert that the application of this brevity -to himself, struck exactly that indignation to Mr. Pickwick's -soul, which it would infallibly have roused in a vulgar breast. -We merely record the fact that Mr. Pickwick opened the room -door, and abruptly called out, 'Tupman, come here!' - -Mr. Tupman immediately presented himself, with a look of -very considerable surprise. - -'Tupman,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'a secret of some delicacy, in -which that lady is concerned, is the cause of a difference which -has just arisen between this gentleman and myself. When I assure -him, in your presence, that it has no relation to himself, and is -not in any way connected with his affairs, I need hardly beg you -to take notice that if he continue to dispute it, he expresses a -doubt of my veracity, which I shall consider extremely insulting.' -As Mr. Pickwick said this, he looked encyclopedias at Mr. Peter -Magnus. - -Mr. Pickwick's upright and honourable bearing, coupled with -that force and energy of speech which so eminently distinguished -him, would have carried conviction to any reasonable mind; but, -unfortunately, at that particular moment, the mind of Mr. Peter -Magnus was in anything but reasonable order. Consequently, -instead of receiving Mr. Pickwick's explanation as he ought to -have done, he forthwith proceeded to work himself into a red- -hot, scorching, consuming passion, and to talk about what was -due to his own feelings, and all that sort of thing; adding force to -his declamation by striding to and fro, and pulling his hair-- -amusements which he would vary occasionally, by shaking his -fist in Mr. Pickwick's philanthropic countenance. - -Mr. Pickwick, in his turn, conscious of his own innocence and -rectitude, and irritated by having unfortunately involved the -middle-aged lady in such an unpleasant affair, was not so quietly -disposed as was his wont. The consequence was, that words ran -high, and voices higher; and at length Mr. Magnus told Mr. -Pickwick he should hear from him; to which Mr. Pickwick -replied, with laudable politeness, that the sooner he heard from -him the better; whereupon the middle-aged lady rushed in -terror from the room, out of which Mr. Tupman dragged Mr. -Pickwick, leaving Mr. Peter Magnus to himself and meditation. - -If the middle-aged lady had mingled much with the busy world, -or had profited at all by the manners and customs of those who -make the laws and set the fashions, she would have known that -this sort of ferocity is the most harmless thing in nature; but as -she had lived for the most part in the country, and never read the -parliamentary debates, she was little versed in these particular -refinements of civilised life. Accordingly, when she had gained -her bedchamber, bolted herself in, and began to meditate on the -scene she had just witnessed, the most terrific pictures of slaughter -and destruction presented themselves to her imagination; among -which, a full-length portrait of Mr. Peter Magnus borne home -by four men, with the embellishment of a whole barrelful of -bullets in his left side, was among the very least. The more the -middle-aged lady meditated, the more terrified she became; and -at length she determined to repair to the house of the principal -magistrate of the town, and request him to secure the persons of -Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman without delay. - -To this decision the middle-aged lady was impelled by a variety -of considerations, the chief of which was the incontestable proof -it would afford of her devotion to Mr. Peter Magnus, and her -anxiety for his safety. She was too well acquainted with his -jealous temperament to venture the slightest allusion to the real -cause of her agitation on beholding Mr. Pickwick; and she -trusted to her own influence and power of persuasion with the -little man, to quell his boisterous jealousy, supposing that Mr. -Pickwick were removed, and no fresh quarrel could arise. Filled -with these reflections, the middle-aged lady arrayed herself in her -bonnet and shawl, and repaired to the mayor's dwelling straightway. - -Now George Nupkins, Esquire, the principal magistrate -aforesaid, was as grand a personage as the fastest walker would -find out, between sunrise and sunset, on the twenty-first of June, -which being, according to the almanacs, the longest day in the -whole year, would naturally afford him the longest period for his -search. On this particular morning, Mr. Nupkins was in a state -of the utmost excitement and irritation, for there had been a -rebellion in the town; all the day-scholars at the largest day- -school had conspired to break the windows of an obnoxious -apple-seller, and had hooted the beadle and pelted the -constabulary--an elderly gentleman in top-boots, who had been -called out to repress the tumult, and who had been a peace- -officer, man and boy, for half a century at least. And Mr. Nupkins -was sitting in his easy-chair, frowning with majesty, and boiling -with rage, when a lady was announced on pressing, private, and -particular business. Mr. Nupkins looked calmly terrible, and -commanded that the lady should be shown in; which command, -like all the mandates of emperors, and magistrates, and other -great potentates of the earth, was forthwith obeyed; and Miss -Witherfield, interestingly agitated, was ushered in accordingly. - -'Muzzle!' said the magistrate. - -Muzzle was an undersized footman, with a long body and -short legs. - -'Muzzle!' -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Place a chair, and leave the room.' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Now, ma'am, will you state your business?' said the magistrate. - -'It is of a very painful kind, Sir,' said Miss Witherfield. - -'Very likely, ma'am,' said the magistrate. 'Compose your -feelings, ma'am.' Here Mr. Nupkins looked benignant. 'And -then tell me what legal business brings you here, ma'am.' Here -the magistrate triumphed over the man; and he looked stern again. - -'It is very distressing to me, Sir, to give this information,' said -Miss Witherfield, 'but I fear a duel is going to be fought here.' - -'Here, ma'am?' said the magistrate. 'Where, ma'am?' - -'In Ipswich.' -'In Ipswich, ma'am! A duel in Ipswich!' said the magistrate, -perfectly aghast at the notion. 'Impossible, ma'am; nothing of the -kind can be contemplated in this town, I am persuaded. Bless -my soul, ma'am, are you aware of the activity of our local -magistracy? Do you happen to have heard, ma'am, that I -rushed into a prize-ring on the fourth of May last, attended by -only sixty special constables; and, at the hazard of falling a -sacrifice to the angry passions of an infuriated multitude, -prohibited a pugilistic contest between the Middlesex Dumpling and -the Suffolk Bantam? A duel in Ipswich, ma'am? I don't think-- -I do not think,' said the magistrate, reasoning with himself, 'that -any two men can have had the hardihood to plan such a breach -of the peace, in this town.' - -'My information is, unfortunately, but too correct,' said the -middle-aged lady; 'I was present at the quarrel.' - -'It's a most extraordinary thing,' said the astounded magistrate. -'Muzzle!' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Send Mr. Jinks here, directly! Instantly.' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -Muzzle retired; and a pale, sharp-nosed, half-fed, shabbily- -clad clerk, of middle age, entered the room. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. 'Mr. Jinks.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Jinks. -'This lady, Mr. Jinks, has come here, to give information of an -intended duel in this town.' - -Mr. Jinks, not knowing exactly what to do, smiled a -dependent's smile. - -'What are you laughing at, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate. - -Mr. Jinks looked serious instantly. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'you're a fool.' - -Mr. Jinks looked humbly at the great man, and bit the top of -his pen. - -'You may see something very comical in this information, Sir-- -but I can tell you this, Mr. Jinks, that you have very little to -laugh at,' said the magistrate. - -The hungry-looking Jinks sighed, as if he were quite aware of -the fact of his having very little indeed to be merry about; and, -being ordered to take the lady's information, shambled to a seat, -and proceeded to write it down. - -'This man, Pickwick, is the principal, I understand?' said the -magistrate, when the statement was finished. - -'He is,' said the middle-aged lady. - -'And the other rioter--what's his name, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Tupman, Sir.' -'Tupman is the second?' - -'Yes.' - -'The other principal, you say, has absconded, ma'am?' - -'Yes,' replied Miss Witherfield, with a short cough. - -'Very well,' said the magistrate. 'These are two cut-throats from -London, who have come down here to destroy his Majesty's -population, thinking that at this distance from the capital, the -arm of the law is weak and paralysed. They shall be made an -example of. Draw up the warrants, Mr. Jinks. Muzzle!' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Is Grummer downstairs?' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Send him up.' -The obsequious Muzzle retired, and presently returned, -introducing the elderly gentleman in the top-boots, who was -chiefly remarkable for a bottle-nose, a hoarse voice, a snuff- -coloured surtout, and a wandering eye. - -'Grummer,' said the magistrate. - -'Your Wash-up.' - -'Is the town quiet now?' - -'Pretty well, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer. 'Pop'lar feeling -has in a measure subsided, consekens o' the boys having -dispersed to cricket.' - -'Nothing but vigorous measures will do in these times, -Grummer,' said the magistrate, in a determined manner. 'if the -authority of the king's officers is set at naught, we must have the -riot act read. If the civil power cannot protect these windows, -Grummer, the military must protect the civil power, and the -windows too. I believe that is a maxim of the constitution, -Mr. Jinks?' -'Certainly, sir,' said Jinks. - -'Very good,' said the magistrate, signing the warrants. -'Grummer, you will bring these persons before me, this afternoon. -You will find them at the Great White Horse. You recollect the -case of the Middlesex Dumpling and the Suffolk Bantam, Grummer?' - -Mr. Grummer intimated, by a retrospective shake of the head, -that he should never forget it--as indeed it was not likely he -would, so long as it continued to be cited daily. - -'This is even more unconstitutional,' said the magistrate; 'this -is even a greater breach of the peace, and a grosser infringement -of his Majesty's prerogative. I believe duelling is one of his -Majesty's most undoubted prerogatives, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Expressly stipulated in Magna Charta, sir,' said Mr. Jinks. - -'One of the brightest jewels in the British crown, wrung from -his Majesty by the barons, I believe, Mr. Jinks?' said the -magistrate. - -'Just so, Sir,' replied Mr. Jinks. - -'Very well,' said the magistrate, drawing himself up proudly, -'it shall not be violated in this portion of his dominions. Grummer, -procure assistance, and execute these warrants with as little -delay as possible. Muzzle!' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Show the lady out.' - -Miss Witherfield retired, deeply impressed with the magistrate's -learning and research; Mr. Nupkins retired to lunch; -Mr. Jinks retired within himself--that being the only retirement -he had, except the sofa-bedstead in the small parlour which was -occupied by his landlady's family in the daytime--and Mr. -Grummer retired, to wipe out, by his mode of discharging his -present commission, the insult which had been fastened upon -himself, and the other representative of his Majesty--the beadle ---in the course of the morning. - -While these resolute and determined preparations for the -conservation of the king's peace were pending, Mr. Pickwick and -his friends, wholly unconscious of the mighty events in progress, -had sat quietly down to dinner; and very talkative and -companionable they all were. Mr. Pickwick was in the very act of -relating his adventure of the preceding night, to the great amusement -of his followers, Mr. Tupman especially, when the door -opened, and a somewhat forbidding countenance peeped into the -room. The eyes in the forbidding countenance looked very -earnestly at Mr. Pickwick, for several seconds, and were to all -appearance satisfied with their investigation; for the body to -which the forbidding countenance belonged, slowly brought -itself into the apartment, and presented the form of an elderly -individual in top-boots--not to keep the reader any longer -in suspense, in short, the eyes were the wandering eyes of -Mr. Grummer, and the body was the body of the same gentleman. - -Mr. Grummer's mode of proceeding was professional, but -peculiar. His first act was to bolt the door on the inside; his -second, to polish his head and countenance very carefully with a -cotton handkerchief; his third, to place his hat, with the cotton -handkerchief in it, on the nearest chair; and his fourth, to -produce from the breast-pocket of his coat a short truncheon, -surmounted by a brazen crown, with which he beckoned to -Mr. Pickwick with a grave and ghost-like air. - -Mr. Snodgrass was the first to break the astonished silence. -He looked steadily at Mr. Grummer for a brief space, and then -said emphatically, 'This is a private room, Sir. A private room.' - -Mr. Grummer shook his head, and replied, 'No room's private -to his Majesty when the street door's once passed. That's law. -Some people maintains that an Englishman's house is his castle. -That's gammon.' - -The Pickwickians gazed on each other with wondering eyes. - -'Which is Mr. Tupman?' inquired Mr. Grummer. He had an -intuitive perception of Mr. Pickwick; he knew him at once. - -'My name's Tupman,' said that gentleman. - -'My name's Law,' said Mr. Grummer. - -'What?' said Mr. Tupman. - -'Law,' replied Mr. Grummer--'Law, civil power, and exekative; -them's my titles; here's my authority. Blank Tupman, blank -Pickwick--against the peace of our sufferin' lord the king-- -stattit in the case made and purwided--and all regular. I apprehend -you Pickwick! Tupman--the aforesaid.' - -'What do you mean by this insolence?' said Mr. Tupman, -starting up; 'leave the room!' - -'Hollo,' said Mr. Grummer, retreating very expeditiously to -the door, and opening it an inch or two, 'Dubbley.' - -'Well,' said a deep voice from the passage. - -'Come for'ard, Dubbley.' - -At the word of command, a dirty-faced man, something over -six feet high, and stout in proportion, squeezed himself through -the half-open door (making his face very red in the process), and -entered the room. - -'Is the other specials outside, Dubbley?' inquired Mr. Grummer. - -Mr. Dubbley, who was a man of few words, nodded assent. - -'Order in the diwision under your charge, Dubbley,' said -Mr. Grummer. - -Mr. Dubbley did as he was desired; and half a dozen men, each -with a short truncheon and a brass crown, flocked into the room. -Mr. Grummer pocketed his staff, and looked at Mr. Dubbley; -Mr. Dubbley pocketed his staff and looked at the division; the -division pocketed their staves and looked at Messrs. Tupman -and Pickwick. - -Mr. Pickwick and his followers rose as one man. - -'What is the meaning of this atrocious intrusion upon my -privacy?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Who dares apprehend me?' said Mr. Tupman. - -'What do you want here, scoundrels?' said Mr. Snodgrass. - -Mr. Winkle said nothing, but he fixed his eyes on Grummer, -and bestowed a look upon him, which, if he had had any feeling, -must have pierced his brain. As it was, however, it had no visible -effect on him whatever. - -When the executive perceived that Mr. Pickwick and his -friends were disposed to resist the authority of the law, they very -significantly turned up their coat sleeves, as if knocking them -down in the first instance, and taking them up afterwards, were a -mere professional act which had only to be thought of to be done, -as a matter of course. This demonstration was not lost upon -Mr. Pickwick. He conferred a few moments with Mr. Tupman -apart, and then signified his readiness to proceed to the mayor's -residence, merely begging the parties then and there assembled, -to take notice, that it was his firm intention to resent this monstrous -invasion of his privileges as an Englishman, the instant he -was at liberty; whereat the parties then and there assembled -laughed very heartily, with the single exception of Mr. Grummer, -who seemed to consider that any slight cast upon the divine -right of magistrates was a species of blasphemy not to be tolerated. - -But when Mr. Pickwick had signified his readiness to bow to -the laws of his country, and just when the waiters, and hostlers, -and chambermaids, and post-boys, who had anticipated a -delightful commotion from his threatened obstinacy, began to -turn away, disappointed and disgusted, a difficulty arose which -had not been foreseen. With every sentiment of veneration for the -constituted authorities, Mr. Pickwick resolutely protested against -making his appearance in the public streets, surrounded and -guarded by the officers of justice, like a common criminal. -Mr. Grummer, in the then disturbed state of public feeling (for -it was half-holiday, and the boys had not yet gone home), as -resolutely protested against walking on the opposite side of the -way, and taking Mr. Pickwick's parole that he would go straight -to the magistrate's; and both Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman as -strenuously objected to the expense of a post-coach, which was -the only respectable conveyance that could be obtained. The -dispute ran high, and the dilemma lasted long; and just as the -executive were on the point of overcoming Mr. Pickwick's -objection to walking to the magistrate's, by the trite expedient of -carrying him thither, it was recollected that there stood in the inn -yard, an old sedan-chair, which, having been originally built for -a gouty gentleman with funded property, would hold Mr. Pickwick -and Mr. Tupman, at least as conveniently as a modern post- -chaise. The chair was hired, and brought into the hall; Mr. Pickwick -and Mr. Tupman squeezed themselves inside, and pulled -down the blinds; a couple of chairmen were speedily found; and -the procession started in grand order. The specials surrounded -the body of the vehicle; Mr. Grummer and Mr. Dubbley marched -triumphantly in front; Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle walked -arm-in-arm behind; and the unsoaped of Ipswich brought up -the rear. - -The shopkeepers of the town, although they had a very -indistinct notion of the nature of the offence, could not but be -much edified and gratified by this spectacle. Here was the strong -arm of the law, coming down with twenty gold-beater force, upon -two offenders from the metropolis itself; the mighty engine was -directed by their own magistrate, and worked by their own -officers; and both the criminals, by their united efforts, were -securely shut up, in the narrow compass of one sedan-chair. -Many were the expressions of approval and admiration which -greeted Mr. Grummer, as he headed the cavalcade, staff in hand; -loud and long were the shouts raised by the unsoaped; and amidst -these united testimonials of public approbation, the procession -moved slowly and majestically along. - -Mr. Weller, habited in his morning jacket, with the black calico -sleeves, was returning in a rather desponding state from an -unsuccessful survey of the mysterious house with the green gate, -when, raising his eyes, he beheld a crowd pouring down the -street, surrounding an object which had very much the appearance -of a sedan-chair. Willing to divert his thoughts from the -failure of his enterprise, he stepped aside to see the crowd pass; -and finding that they were cheering away, very much to their -own satisfaction, forthwith began (by way of raising his spirits) -to cheer too, with all his might and main. - -Mr. Grummer passed, and Mr. Dubbley passed, and the sedan -passed, and the bodyguard of specials passed, and Sam was still -responding to the enthusiastic cheers of the mob, and waving his -hat about as if he were in the very last extreme of the wildest joy -(though, of course, he had not the faintest idea of the matter in -hand), when he was suddenly stopped by the unexpected appearance -of Mr. Winkle and Mr. Snodgrass. - -'What's the row, gen'l'm'n?'cried Sam. 'Who have they got in -this here watch-box in mournin'?' - -Both gentlemen replied together, but their words were lost in -the tumult. - -'Who is it?' cried Sam again. - -once more was a joint reply returned; and, though the words -were inaudible, Sam saw by the motion of the two pairs of lips -that they had uttered the magic word 'Pickwick.' - -This was enough. In another minute Mr. Weller had made his -way through the crowd, stopped the chairmen, and confronted -the portly Grummer. - -'Hollo, old gen'l'm'n!' said Sam. 'Who have you got in this -here conweyance?' - -'Stand back,' said Mr. Grummer, whose dignity, like the -dignity of a great many other men, had been wondrously -augmented by a little popularity. - -'Knock him down, if he don't,' said Mr. Dubbley. - -'I'm wery much obliged to you, old gen'l'm'n,' replied Sam, -'for consulting my conwenience, and I'm still more obliged to the -other gen'l'm'n, who looks as if he'd just escaped from a giant's -carrywan, for his wery 'andsome suggestion; but I should prefer -your givin' me a answer to my question, if it's all the same to you. ---How are you, Sir?' This last observation was addressed with a -patronising air to Mr. Pickwick, who was peeping through the -front window. - -Mr. Grummer, perfectly speechless with indignation, dragged -the truncheon with the brass crown from its particular pocket, -and flourished it before Sam's eyes. - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'it's wery pretty, 'specially the crown, which is -uncommon like the real one.' - -'Stand back!' said the outraged Mr. Grummer. By way of -adding force to the command, he thrust the brass emblem of -royalty into Sam's neckcloth with one hand, and seized Sam's -collar with the other--a compliment which Mr. Weller returned -by knocking him down out of hand, having previously with the -utmost consideration, knocked down a chairman for him to lie upon. - -Whether Mr. Winkle was seized with a temporary attack of -that species of insanity which originates in a sense of injury, or -animated by this display of Mr. Weller's valour, is uncertain; but -certain it is, that he no sooner saw Mr. Grummer fall than he -made a terrific onslaught on a small boy who stood next him; -whereupon Mr. Snodgrass, in a truly Christian spirit, and in -order that he might take no one unawares, announced in a very -loud tone that he was going to begin, and proceeded to take off -his coat with the utmost deliberation. He was immediately -surrounded and secured; and it is but common justice both to -him and Mr. Winkle to say, that they did not make the slightest -attempt to rescue either themselves or Mr. Weller; who, after a -most vigorous resistance, was overpowered by numbers and -taken prisoner. The procession then reformed; the chairmen -resumed their stations; and the march was re-commenced. - -Mr. Pickwick's indignation during the whole of this proceeding -was beyond all bounds. He could just see Sam upsetting the -specials, and flying about in every direction; and that was all he -could see, for the sedan doors wouldn't open, and the blinds -wouldn't pull up. At length, with the assistance of Mr. Tupman, -he managed to push open the roof; and mounting on the seat, -and steadying himself as well as he could, by placing his hand on -that gentleman's shoulder, Mr. Pickwick proceeded to address -the multitude; to dwell upon the unjustifiable manner in which he -had been treated; and to call upon them to take notice that his -servant had been first assaulted. In this order they reached the -magistrate's house; the chairmen trotting, the prisoners following, -Mr. Pickwick oratorising, and the crowd shouting. - - - -CHAPTER XXV -SHOWING, AMONG A VARIETY OF PLEASANT MATTERS, - HOW MAJESTIC AND IMPARTIAL Mr. NUPKINS WAS; AND - HOW Mr. WELLER RETURNED Mr. JOB TROTTER'S - SHUTTLECOCK AS HEAVILY AS IT CAME--WITH ANOTHER - MATTER, WHICH WILL BE FOUND IN ITS PLACE - - -Violent was Mr. Weller's indignation as he was borne along; -numerous were the allusions to the personal appearance and -demeanour of Mr. Grummer and his companion; and valorous were -the defiances to any six of the gentlemen present, in which he -vented his dissatisfaction. Mr. Snodgrass and Mr. Winkle listened -with gloomy respect to the torrent of eloquence which their leader -poured forth from the sedan-chair, and the rapid course of which -not all Mr. Tupman's earnest entreaties to have the lid of the -vehicle closed, were able to check for an instant. But Mr. -Weller's anger quickly gave way to curiosity when the procession -turned down the identical courtyard in which he had met with the -runaway Job Trotter; and curiosity was exchanged for a feeling -of the most gleeful astonishment, when the all-important Mr. Grummer, -commanding the sedan-bearers to halt, advanced with dignified and -portentous steps to the very green gate from which Job Trotter -had emerged, and gave a mighty pull at the bell-handle which -hung at the side thereof. The ring was answered by a very smart -and pretty-faced servant-girl, who, after holding up her hands -in astonishment at the rebellious appearance of the prisoners, -and the impassioned language of Mr. Pickwick, summoned Mr. -Muzzle. Mr. Muzzle opened one half of the carriage gate, to -admit the sedan, the captured ones, and the specials; and -immediately slammed it in the faces of the mob, who, indignant at -being excluded, and anxious to see what followed, relieved their -feelings by kicking at the gate and ringing the bell, for an hour or -two afterwards. In this amusement they all took part by turns, -except three or four fortunate individuals, who, having discovered -a grating in the gate, which commanded a view of nothing, stared -through it with the indefatigable perseverance with which people -will flatten their noses against the front windows of a chemist's -shop, when a drunken man, who has been run over by a dog- -cart in the street, is undergoing a surgical inspection in the -back-parlour. - -At the foot of a flight of steps, leading to the house door, which -was guarded on either side by an American aloe in a green tub, -the sedan-chair stopped. Mr. Pickwick and his friends were -conducted into the hall, whence, having been previously -announced by Muzzle, and ordered in by Mr. Nupkins, they were -ushered into the worshipful presence of that public-spirited officer. - -The scene was an impressive one, well calculated to strike -terror to the hearts of culprits, and to impress them with an -adequate idea of the stern majesty of the law. In front of a big -book-case, in a big chair, behind a big table, and before a big -volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a full size larger than any one -of them, big as they were. The table was adorned with piles of -papers; and above the farther end of it, appeared the head and -shoulders of Mr. Jinks, who was busily engaged in looking as -busy as possible. The party having all entered, Muzzle carefully -closed the door, and placed himself behind his master's chair to -await his orders. Mr. Nupkins threw himself back with thrilling -solemnity, and scrutinised the faces of his unwilling visitors. - -'Now, Grummer, who is that person?' said Mr. Nupkins, -pointing to Mr. Pickwick, who, as the spokesman of his friends, -stood hat in hand, bowing with the utmost politeness and respect. - -'This here's Pickvick, your Wash-up,' said Grummer. - -'Come, none o' that 'ere, old Strike-a-light,' interposed Mr. -Weller, elbowing himself into the front rank. 'Beg your pardon, -sir, but this here officer o' yourn in the gambooge tops, 'ull never -earn a decent livin' as a master o' the ceremonies any vere. This -here, sir' continued Mr. Weller, thrusting Grummer aside, and -addressing the magistrate with pleasant familiarity, 'this here is -S. Pickvick, Esquire; this here's Mr. Tupman; that 'ere's Mr. -Snodgrass; and farder on, next him on the t'other side, Mr. -Winkle--all wery nice gen'l'm'n, Sir, as you'll be wery happy to -have the acquaintance on; so the sooner you commits these here -officers o' yourn to the tread--mill for a month or two, the sooner -we shall begin to be on a pleasant understanding. Business first, -pleasure arterwards, as King Richard the Third said when he -stabbed the t'other king in the Tower, afore he smothered the babbies.' - -At the conclusion of this address, Mr. Weller brushed his hat -with his right elbow, and nodded benignly to Jinks, who had -heard him throughout with unspeakable awe. - -'Who is this man, Grummer?' said the magistrate,. - -'Wery desp'rate ch'racter, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer. -'He attempted to rescue the prisoners, and assaulted the officers; -so we took him into custody, and brought him here.' - -'You did quite right,' replied the magistrate. 'He is evidently a -desperate ruffian.' - -'He is my servant, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick angrily. - -'Oh! he is your servant, is he?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'A -conspiracy to defeat the ends of justice, and murder its officers. -Pickwick's servant. Put that down, Mr. Jinks.' - -Mr. Jinks did so. - -'What's your name, fellow?' thundered Mr. Nupkins. - -'Veller,' replied Sam. - -'A very good name for the Newgate Calendar,' said Mr. Nupkins. - -This was a joke; so Jinks, Grummer, Dubbley, all the specials, -and Muzzle, went into fits of laughter of five minutes' duration. - -'Put down his name, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. - -'Two L's, old feller,' said Sam. - -Here an unfortunate special laughed again, whereupon the -magistrate threatened to commit him instantly. It is a dangerous -thing to laugh at the wrong man, in these cases. - -'Where do you live?' said the magistrate. - -'Vere ever I can,' replied Sam. - -'Put down that, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, who was fast -rising into a rage. - -'Score it under,' said Sam. - -'He is a vagabond, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate. 'He is a -vagabond on his own statement,-- is he not, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'Then I'll commit him--I'll commit him as such,' said Mr. Nupkins. - -'This is a wery impartial country for justice, 'said Sam.'There -ain't a magistrate goin' as don't commit himself twice as he -commits other people.' - -At this sally another special laughed, and then tried to look so -supernaturally solemn, that the magistrate detected him immediately. - -'Grummer,' said Mr. Nupkins, reddening with passion, 'how -dare you select such an inefficient and disreputable person for a -special constable, as that man? How dare you do it, Sir?' - -'I am very sorry, your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer. - -'Very sorry!' said the furious magistrate. 'You shall repent of -this neglect of duty, Mr. Grummer; you shall be made an example -of. Take that fellow's staff away. He's drunk. You're drunk, fellow.' - -'I am not drunk, your Worship,' said the man. - -'You ARE drunk,' returned the magistrate. 'How dare you say -you are not drunk, Sir, when I say you are? Doesn't he smell of -spirits, Grummer?' - -'Horrid, your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, who had a vague -impression that there was a smell of rum somewhere. - -'I knew he did,' said Mr. Nupkins. 'I saw he was drunk when -he first came into the room, by his excited eye. Did you observe -his excited eye, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'I haven't touched a drop of spirits this morning,' said the -man, who was as sober a fellow as need be. - -'How dare you tell me a falsehood?' said Mr. Nupkins. 'Isn't -he drunk at this moment, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'I shall commit that man for -contempt. Make out his committal, Mr. Jinks.' - -And committed the special would have been, only Jinks, who -was the magistrate's adviser (having had a legal education of -three years in a country attorney's office), whispered the magistrate -that he thought it wouldn't do; so the magistrate made a -speech, and said, that in consideration of the special's family, he -would merely reprimand and discharge him. Accordingly, the -special was abused, vehemently, for a quarter of an hour, and -sent about his business; and Grummer, Dubbley, Muzzle, and -all the other specials, murmured their admiration of the magnanimity -of Mr. Nupkins. - -'Now, Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate, 'swear Grummer.' - -Grummer was sworn directly; but as Grummer wandered, and -Mr. Nupkins's dinner was nearly ready, Mr. Nupkins cut the -matter short, by putting leading questions to Grummer, which -Grummer answered as nearly in the affirmative as he could. So -the examination went off, all very smooth and comfortable, and -two assaults were proved against Mr. Weller, and a threat against -Mr. Winkle, and a push against Mr. Snodgrass. When all this -was done to the magistrate's satisfaction, the magistrate and -Mr. Jinks consulted in whispers. - -The consultation having lasted about ten minutes, Mr. Jinks -retired to his end of the table; and the magistrate, with a -preparatory cough, drew himself up in his chair, and was proceeding -to commence his address, when Mr. Pickwick interposed. - -'I beg your pardon, sir, for interrupting you,' said Mr. Pickwick; -'but before you proceed to express, and act upon, any -opinion you may have formed on the statements which have been -made here, I must claim my right to be heard so far as I am -personally concerned.' - -'Hold your tongue, Sir,' said the magistrate peremptorily. - -'I must submit to you, Sir--' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hold your tongue, sir,' interposed the magistrate, 'or I shall -order an officer to remove you.' - -'You may order your officers to do whatever you please, Sir,' -said Mr. Pickwick; 'and I have no doubt, from the specimen I -have had of the subordination preserved amongst them, that -whatever you order, they will execute, Sir; but I shall take the -liberty, Sir, of claiming my right to be heard, until I am removed -by force.' - -'Pickvick and principle!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, in a very -audible voice. - -'Sam, be quiet,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dumb as a drum vith a hole in it, Sir,' replied Sam. - -Mr. Nupkins looked at Mr. Pickwick with a gaze of intense -astonishment, at his displaying such unwonted temerity; and was -apparently about to return a very angry reply, when Mr. Jinks -pulled him by the sleeve, and whispered something in his ear. To -this, the magistrate returned a half-audible answer, and then the -whispering was renewed. Jinks was evidently remonstrating. -At length the magistrate, gulping down, with a very bad grace, -his disinclination to hear anything more, turned to Mr. Pickwick, -and said sharply, 'What do you want to say?' - -'First,' said Mr. Pickwick, sending a look through his spectacles, -under which even Nupkins quailed, 'first, I wish to know -what I and my friend have been brought here for?' - -'Must I tell him?' whispered the magistrate to Jinks. - -'I think you had better, sir,' whispered Jinks to the magistrate. -'An information has been sworn before me,' said the magistrate, -'that it is apprehended you are going to fight a duel, and -that the other man, Tupman, is your aider and abettor in it. -Therefore--eh, Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, sir.' - -'Therefore, I call upon you both, to--I think that's the course, -Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'To--to--what, Mr. Jinks?' said the magistrate pettishly. - -'To find bail, sir.' - -'Yes. Therefore, I call upon you both--as I was about to say -when I was interrupted by my clerk--to find bail.' -'Good bail,' whispered Mr. Jinks. - -'I shall require good bail,' said the magistrate. - -'Town's-people,' whispered Jinks. - -'They must be townspeople,' said the magistrate. - -'Fifty pounds each,' whispered Jinks, 'and householders, of course.' - -'I shall require two sureties of fifty pounds each,' said the -magistrate aloud, with great dignity, 'and they must be householders, -of course.' - -'But bless my heart, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, who, together with -Mr. Tupman, was all amazement and indignation; 'we are -perfect strangers in this town. I have as little knowledge of any -householders here, as I have intention of fighting a duel with anybody.' - -'I dare say,' replied the magistrate, 'I dare say--don't you, -Mr. Jinks?' - -'Certainly, Sir.' - -'Have you anything more to say?' inquired the magistrate. - -Mr. Pickwick had a great deal more to say, which he would no -doubt have said, very little to his own advantage, or the magistrate's -satisfaction, if he had not, the moment he ceased speaking, -been pulled by the sleeve by Mr. Weller, with whom he was -immediately engaged in so earnest a conversation, that he -suffered the magistrate's inquiry to pass wholly unnoticed. Mr. -Nupkins was not the man to ask a question of the kind twice -over; and so, with another preparatory cough, he proceeded, -amidst the reverential and admiring silence of the constables, to -pronounce his decision. -He should fine Weller two pounds for the first assault, and -three pounds for the second. He should fine Winkle two pounds, -and Snodgrass one pound, besides requiring them to enter into -their own recognisances to keep the peace towards all his -Majesty's subjects, and especially towards his liege servant, -Daniel Grummer. Pickwick and Tupman he had already held -to bail. - -Immediately on the magistrate ceasing to speak, Mr. Pickwick, -with a smile mantling on his again good-humoured countenance, -stepped forward, and said-- - -'I beg the magistrate's pardon, but may I request a few minutes' -private conversation with him, on a matter of deep importance -to himself?' - -'What?' said the magistrate. -Mr. Pickwick repeated his request. - -'This is a most extraordinary request,' said the magistrate. -'A private interview?' - -'A private interview,' replied Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'only, as a -part of the information which I wish to communicate is derived -from my servant, I should wish him to be present.' - -The magistrate looked at Mr. Jinks; Mr. Jinks looked at the -magistrate; the officers looked at each other in amazement. -Mr. Nupkins turned suddenly pale. Could the man Weller, in a -moment of remorse, have divulged some secret conspiracy for his -assassination? It was a dreadful thought. He was a public man; -and he turned paler, as he thought of Julius Caesar and Mr. Perceval. - -The magistrate looked at Mr. Pickwick again, and beckoned -Mr. Jinks. - -'What do you think of this request, Mr. Jinks?' murmured -Mr. Nupkins. - -Mr. Jinks, who didn't exactly know what to think of it, and -was afraid he might offend, smiled feebly, after a dubious -fashion, and, screwing up the corners of his mouth, shook his -head slowly from side to side. - -'Mr. Jinks,' said the magistrate gravely, 'you are an ass.' - -At this little expression of opinion, Mr. Jinks smiled again-- -rather more feebly than before--and edged himself, by degrees, -back into his own corner. - -Mr. Nupkins debated the matter within himself for a few -seconds, and then, rising from his chair, and requesting Mr. -Pickwick and Sam to follow him, led the way into a small room -which opened into the justice-parlour. Desiring Mr. Pickwick to -walk to the upper end of the little apartment, and holding his -hand upon the half-closed door, that he might be able to effect -an immediate escape, in case there was the least tendency to a -display of hostilities, Mr. Nupkins expressed his readiness to hear -the communication, whatever it might be. - -'I will come to the point at once, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'it -affects yourself and your credit materially. I have every reason to -believe, Sir, that you are harbouring in your house a gross impostor!' - -'Two,' interrupted Sam. 'Mulberry agin all natur, for tears -and willainny!' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'if I am to render myself intelligible -to this gentleman, I must beg you to control your feelings.' - -'Wery sorry, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'but when I think o' that -'ere Job, I can't help opening the walve a inch or two.' - -'In one word, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is my servant right in -suspecting that a certain Captain Fitz-Marshall is in the habit of -visiting here? Because,' added Mr. Pickwick, as he saw that -Mr. Nupkins was about to offer a very indignant interruption, -'because if he be, I know that person to be a--' - -'Hush, hush,' said Mr. Nupkins, closing the door. 'Know him -to be what, Sir?' - -'An unprincipled adventurer--a dishonourable character--a -man who preys upon society, and makes easily-deceived people -his dupes, Sir; his absurd, his foolish, his wretched dupes, Sir,' -said the excited Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Nupkins, turning very red, and altering his -whole manner directly. 'Dear me, Mr.--' - -'Pickvick,' said Sam. - -'Pickwick,' said the magistrate, 'dear me, Mr. Pickwick--pray -take a seat--you cannot mean this? Captain Fitz-Marshall!' - -'Don't call him a cap'en,' said Sam, 'nor Fitz-Marshall -neither; he ain't neither one nor t'other. He's a strolling actor, he -is, and his name's Jingle; and if ever there was a wolf in a -mulberry suit, that 'ere Job Trotter's him.' - -'It is very true, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, replying to the magistrate's -look of amazement; 'my only business in this town, is to -expose the person of whom we now speak.' - -Mr. Pickwick proceeded to pour into the horror-stricken ear of -Mr. Nupkins, an abridged account of all Mr. Jingle's atrocities. -He related how he had first met him; how he had eloped with -Miss Wardle; how he had cheerfully resigned the lady for a -pecuniary consideration; how he had entrapped himself into a -lady's boarding-school at midnight; and how he (Mr. Pickwick) -now felt it his duty to expose his assumption of his present name -and rank. - -As the narrative proceeded, all the warm blood in the body of -Mr. Nupkins tingled up into the very tips of his ears. He had -picked up the captain at a neighbouring race-course. Charmed -with his long list of aristocratic acquaintance, his extensive -travel, and his fashionable demeanour, Mrs. Nupkins and Miss -Nupkins had exhibited Captain Fitz-Marshall, and quoted -Captain Fitz-Marshall, and hurled Captain Fitz-Marshall at the -devoted heads of their select circle of acquaintance, until their -bosom friends, Mrs. Porkenham and the Misses Porkenhams, -and Mr. Sidney Porkenham, were ready to burst with jealousy -and despair. And now, to hear, after all, that he was a needy -adventurer, a strolling player, and if not a swindler, something so -very like it, that it was hard to tell the difference! Heavens! what -would the Porkenhams say! What would be the triumph of -Mr. Sidney Porkenham when he found that his addresses had -been slighted for such a rival! How should he, Nupkins, meet the -eye of old Porkenham at the next quarter-sessions! And what a -handle would it be for the opposition magisterial party if the -story got abroad! - -'But after all,' said Mr. Nupkins, brightening for a moment, -after a long pause; 'after all, this is a mere statement. Captain -Fitz-Marshall is a man of very engaging manners, and, I dare -say, has many enemies. What proof have you of the truth of -these representations?' - -'Confront me with him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that is all I ask, -and all I require. Confront him with me and my friends here; you -will want no further proof.' - -'Why,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'that might be very easily done, for -he will be here to-night, and then there would be no occasion to -make the matter public, just--just--for the young man's own -sake, you know. I--I--should like to consult Mrs. Nupkins on -the propriety of the step, in the first instance, though. At -all events, Mr. Pickwick, we must despatch this legal business -before we can do anything else. Pray step back into the next -room.' - -Into the next room they went. - -'Grummer,' said the magistrate, in an awful voice. - -'Your Wash-up,' replied Grummer, with the smile of a favourite. - -'Come, come, Sir,' said the magistrate sternly, 'don't let me see -any of this levity here. It is very unbecoming, and I can assure -you that you have very little to smile at. Was the account you -gave me just now strictly true? Now be careful, sir!' -'Your Wash-up,' stammered Grummer, 'I-' - -'Oh, you are confused, are you?' said the magistrate. 'Mr. -Jinks, you observe this confusion?' - -'Certainly, Sir,' replied Jinks. - -'Now,' said the magistrate, 'repeat your statement, Grummer, -and again I warn you to be careful. Mr. Jinks, take his words down.' - -The unfortunate Grummer proceeded to re-state his complaint, -but, what between Mr. Jinks's taking down his words, and the -magistrate's taking them up, his natural tendency to rambling, -and his extreme confusion, he managed to get involved, in something -under three minutes, in such a mass of entanglement and -contradiction, that Mr. Nupkins at once declared he didn't -believe him. So the fines were remitted, and Mr. Jinks found a -couple of bail in no time. And all these solemn proceedings -having been satisfactorily concluded, Mr. Grummer was -ignominiously ordered out--an awful instance of the instability -of human greatness, and the uncertain tenure of great men's favour. - -Mrs. Nupkins was a majestic female in a pink gauze turban -and a light brown wig. Miss Nupkins possessed all her mamma's -haughtiness without the turban, and all her ill-nature without the -wig; and whenever the exercise of these two amiable qualities -involved mother and daughter in some unpleasant dilemma, as -they not infrequently did, they both concurred in laying the -blame on the shoulders of Mr. Nupkins. Accordingly, when -Mr. Nupkins sought Mrs. Nupkins, and detailed the communication -which had been made by Mr. Pickwick, Mrs. Nupkins -suddenly recollected that she had always expected something of -the kind; that she had always said it would be so; that her advice -was never taken; that she really did not know what Mr. Nupkins -supposed she was; and so forth. - -'The idea!' said Miss Nupkins, forcing a tear of very scanty -proportions into the corner of each eye; 'the idea of my being -made such a fool of!' - -'Ah! you may thank your papa, my dear,' said Mrs. Nupkins; -'how I have implored and begged that man to inquire into the -captain's family connections; how I have urged and entreated -him to take some decisive step! I am quite certain nobody would -believe it--quite.' - -'But, my dear,' said Mr. Nupkins. - -'Don't talk to me, you aggravating thing, don't!' said Mrs. Nupkins. - -'My love,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'you professed yourself very fond -of Captain Fitz-Marshall. You have constantly asked him here, my -dear, and you have lost no opportunity of introducing him elsewhere.' - -'Didn't I say so, Henrietta?' cried Mrs. Nupkins, appealing to -her daughter with the air of a much-injured female. 'Didn't I say -that your papa would turn round and lay all this at my door? -Didn't I say so?' Here Mrs. Nupkins sobbed. - -'Oh, pa!' remonstrated Miss Nupkins. And here she sobbed too. - -'Isn't it too much, when he has brought all this disgrace and -ridicule upon us, to taunt me with being the cause of it?' -exclaimed Mrs. Nupkins. - -'How can we ever show ourselves in society!' said Miss Nupkins. - -'How can we face the Porkenhams?' cried Mrs. Nupkins. - -'Or the Griggs!' cried Miss Nupkins. -'Or the Slummintowkens!' cried Mrs. Nupkins. 'But what does -your papa care! What is it to HIM!' At this dreadful reflection, -Mrs. Nupkins wept mental anguish, and Miss Nupkins followed -on the same side. - -Mrs. Nupkins's tears continued to gush forth, with great -velocity, until she had gained a little time to think the matter -over; when she decided, in her own mind, that the best thing to -do would be to ask Mr. Pickwick and his friends to remain until -the captain's arrival, and then to give Mr. Pickwick the opportunity -he sought. If it appeared that he had spoken truly, the -captain could be turned out of the house without noising the -matter abroad, and they could easily account to the Porkenhams -for his disappearance, by saying that he had been appointed, -through the Court influence of his family, to the governor- -generalship of Sierra Leone, of Saugur Point, or any other of -those salubrious climates which enchant Europeans so much, that -when they once get there, they can hardly ever prevail upon -themselves to come back again. - -When Mrs. Nupkins dried up her tears, Miss Nupkins dried up -hers, and Mr. Nupkins was very glad to settle the matter as -Mrs. Nupkins had proposed. So Mr. Pickwick and his friends, -having washed off all marks of their late encounter, were introduced -to the ladies, and soon afterwards to their dinner; and -Mr. Weller, whom the magistrate, with his peculiar sagacity, had -discovered in half an hour to be one of the finest fellows alive, -was consigned to the care and guardianship of Mr. Muzzle, -who was specially enjoined to take him below, and make much -of him. - -'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Muzzle, as he conducted Mr. Weller -down the kitchen stairs. - -'Why, no considerable change has taken place in the state of -my system, since I see you cocked up behind your governor's -chair in the parlour, a little vile ago,' replied Sam. - -'You will excuse my not taking more notice of you then,' said -Mr. Muzzle. 'You see, master hadn't introduced us, then. Lord, -how fond he is of you, Mr. Weller, to be sure!' - -'Ah!' said Sam, 'what a pleasant chap he is!' - -'Ain't he?'replied Mr. Muzzle. - -'So much humour,' said Sam. - -'And such a man to speak,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'How his ideas -flow, don't they?' - -'Wonderful,' replied Sam; 'they comes a-pouring out, knocking -each other's heads so fast, that they seems to stun one another; -you hardly know what he's arter, do you?' -'That's the great merit of his style of speaking,' rejoined -Mr. Muzzle. 'Take care of the last step, Mr. Weller. Would you -like to wash your hands, sir, before we join the ladies'! Here's a -sink, with the water laid on, Sir, and a clean jack towel behind -the door.' - -'Ah! perhaps I may as well have a rinse,' replied Mr. Weller, -applying plenty of yellow soap to the towel, and rubbing away -till his face shone again. 'How many ladies are there?' - -'Only two in our kitchen,' said Mr. Muzzle; 'cook and 'ouse- -maid. We keep a boy to do the dirty work, and a gal besides, but -they dine in the wash'us.' - -'Oh, they dines in the wash'us, do they?' said Mr. Weller. - -'Yes,' replied Mr. Muzzle, 'we tried 'em at our table when they -first come, but we couldn't keep 'em. The gal's manners is -dreadful vulgar; and the boy breathes so very hard while he's -eating, that we found it impossible to sit at table with him.' - -'Young grampus!' said Mr. Weller. - -'Oh, dreadful,' rejoined Mr. Muzzle; 'but that is the worst of -country service, Mr. Weller; the juniors is always so very savage. -This way, sir, if you please, this way.' - -Preceding Mr. Weller, with the utmost politeness, Mr. Muzzle -conducted him into the kitchen. - -'Mary,' said Mr. Muzzle to the pretty servant-girl, 'this is -Mr. Weller; a gentleman as master has sent down, to be made as -comfortable as possible.' - -'And your master's a knowin' hand, and has just sent me to the -right place,' said Mr. Weller, with a glance of admiration at -Mary. 'If I wos master o' this here house, I should alvays find the -materials for comfort vere Mary wos.' -'Lor, Mr. Weller!' said Mary blushing. - -'Well, I never!' ejaculated the cook. - -'Bless me, cook, I forgot you,' said Mr. Muzzle. 'Mr. Weller, -let me introduce you.' - -'How are you, ma'am?' said Mr. Weller.'Wery glad to see you, -indeed, and hope our acquaintance may be a long 'un, as the -gen'l'm'n said to the fi' pun' note.' - -When this ceremony of introduction had been gone through, -the cook and Mary retired into the back kitchen to titter, for ten -minutes; then returning, all giggles and blushes, they sat down -to dinner. -Mr. Weller's easy manners and conversational powers had -such irresistible influence with his new friends, that before the -dinner was half over, they were on a footing of perfect intimacy, -and in possession of a full account of the delinquency of Job Trotter. - -'I never could a-bear that Job,' said Mary. - -'No more you never ought to, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Why not?' inquired Mary. - -''Cos ugliness and svindlin' never ought to be formiliar with -elegance and wirtew,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ought they, Mr. Muzzle?' - -'Not by no means,' replied that gentleman. - -Here Mary laughed, and said the cook had made her; and the -cook laughed, and said she hadn't. - -'I ha'n't got a glass,' said Mary. - -'Drink with me, my dear,' said Mr. Weller. 'Put your lips to -this here tumbler, and then I can kiss you by deputy.' - -'For shame, Mr. Weller!' said Mary. - -'What's a shame, my dear?' - -'Talkin' in that way.' - -'Nonsense; it ain't no harm. It's natur; ain't it, cook?' - -'Don't ask me, imperence,' replied the cook, in a high state of -delight; and hereupon the cook and Mary laughed again, till -what between the beer, and the cold meat, and the laughter -combined, the latter young lady was brought to the verge of -choking--an alarming crisis from which she was only recovered -by sundry pats on the back, and other necessary attentions, most -delicately administered by Mr. Samuel Weller. -In the midst of all this jollity and conviviality, a loud ring was -heard at the garden gate, to which the young gentleman who -took his meals in the wash-house, immediately responded. Mr. -Weller was in the height of his attentions to the pretty house- -maid; Mr. Muzzle was busy doing the honours of the table; and -the cook had just paused to laugh, in the very act of raising a -huge morsel to her lips; when the kitchen door opened, and in -walked Mr. Job Trotter. - -We have said in walked Mr. Job Trotter, but the statement is -not distinguished by our usual scrupulous adherence to fact. The -door opened and Mr. Trotter appeared. He would have walked -in, and was in the very act of doing so, indeed, when catching -sight of Mr. Weller, he involuntarily shrank back a pace or two, -and stood gazing on the unexpected scene before him, perfectly -motionless with amazement and terror. - -'Here he is!' said Sam, rising with great glee. 'Why we were -that wery moment a-speaking o' you. How are you? Where have -you been? Come in.' - -Laying his hand on the mulberry collar of the unresisting Job, -Mr. Weller dragged him into the kitchen; and, locking the door, -handed the key to Mr. Muzzle, who very coolly buttoned it up -in a side pocket. - -'Well, here's a game!' cried Sam. 'Only think o' my master -havin' the pleasure o' meeting yourn upstairs, and me havin' the -joy o' meetin' you down here. How are you gettin' on, and how is -the chandlery bis'ness likely to do? Well, I am so glad to see you. -How happy you look. It's quite a treat to see you; ain't it, -Mr. Muzzle?' - -'Quite,' said Mr. Muzzle. - -'So cheerful he is!' said Sam. - -'In such good spirits!' said Muzzle. -'And so glad to see us--that makes it so much more -comfortable,' said Sam. 'Sit down; sit down.' - -Mr. Trotter suffered himself to be forced into a chair by the -fireside. He cast his small eyes, first on Mr. Weller, and then on -Mr. Muzzle, but said nothing. - -'Well, now,' said Sam, 'afore these here ladies, I should jest like -to ask you, as a sort of curiosity, whether you don't consider -yourself as nice and well-behaved a young gen'l'm'n, as ever used -a pink check pocket-handkerchief, and the number four collection?' - -'And as was ever a-going to be married to a cook,' said that -lady indignantly. 'The willin!' - -'And leave off his evil ways, and set up in the chandlery line -arterwards,' said the housemaid. - -'Now, I'll tell you what it is, young man,' said Mr. Muzzle -solemnly, enraged at the last two allusions, 'this here lady -(pointing to the cook) keeps company with me; and when you -presume, Sir, to talk of keeping chandlers' shops with her, you -injure me in one of the most delicatest points in which one man -can injure another. Do you understand that, Sir?' - -Here Mr. Muzzle, who had a great notion of his eloquence, in -which he imitated his master, paused for a reply. - -But Mr. Trotter made no reply. So Mr. Muzzle proceeded in a -solemn manner-- - -'It's very probable, sir, that you won't be wanted upstairs for -several minutes, Sir, because MY master is at this moment -particularly engaged in settling the hash of YOUR master, Sir; and -therefore you'll have leisure, Sir, for a little private talk with me, -Sir. Do you understand that, Sir?' - -Mr. Muzzle again paused for a reply; and again Mr. Trotter -disappointed him. - -'Well, then,' said Mr. Muzzle, 'I'm very sorry to have to -explain myself before ladies, but the urgency of the case will be -my excuse. The back kitchen's empty, Sir. If you will step in there, -Sir, Mr. Weller will see fair, and we can have mutual satisfaction -till the bell rings. Follow me, Sir!' - -As Mr. Muzzle uttered these words, he took a step or two -towards the door; and, by way of saving time, began to pull off -his coat as he walked along. - -Now, the cook no sooner heard the concluding words of this -desperate challenge, and saw Mr. Muzzle about to put it into -execution, than she uttered a loud and piercing shriek; and -rushing on Mr. Job Trotter, who rose from his chair on the -instant, tore and buffeted his large flat face, with an energy -peculiar to excited females, and twining her hands in his long -black hair, tore therefrom about enough to make five or six -dozen of the very largest-sized mourning-rings. Having accomplished -this feat with all the ardour which her devoted love for -Mr. Muzzle inspired, she staggered back; and being a lady of -very excitable and delicate feelings, she instantly fell under the -dresser, and fainted away. - -At this moment, the bell rang. - -'That's for you, Job Trotter,' said Sam; and before Mr. Trotter -could offer remonstrance or reply--even before he had time to -stanch the wounds inflicted by the insensible lady--Sam seized -one arm and Mr. Muzzle the other, and one pulling before, and -the other pushing behind, they conveyed him upstairs, and into -the parlour. - -It was an impressive tableau. Alfred Jingle, Esquire, alias -Captain Fitz-Marshall, was standing near the door with his hat -in his hand, and a smile on his face, wholly unmoved by his very -unpleasant situation. Confronting him, stood Mr. Pickwick, who -had evidently been inculcating some high moral lesson; for his -left hand was beneath his coat tail, and his right extended in air, -as was his wont when delivering himself of an impressive address. -At a little distance, stood Mr. Tupman with indignant countenance, -carefully held back by his two younger friends; at the -farther end of the room were Mr. Nupkins, Mrs. Nupkins, and -Miss Nupkins, gloomily grand and savagely vexed. -'What prevents me,' said Mr. Nupkins, with magisterial -dignity, as Job was brought in--'what prevents me from detaining -these men as rogues and impostors? It is a foolish mercy. What -prevents me?' - -'Pride, old fellow, pride,' replied Jingle, quite at his ease. -'Wouldn't do--no go--caught a captain, eh?--ha! ha! very -good--husband for daughter--biter bit--make it public--not for -worlds--look stupid--very!' - -'Wretch,' said Mr. Nupkins, 'we scorn your base insinuations.' - -'I always hated him,' added Henrietta. - -'Oh, of course,' said Jingle. 'Tall young man--old lover-- -Sidney Porkenham--rich--fine fellow--not so rich as captain, -though, eh?--turn him away--off with him--anything for -captain--nothing like captain anywhere--all the girls--raving -mad--eh, Job, eh?' - -Here Mr. Jingle laughed very heartily; and Job, rubbing his -hands with delight, uttered the first sound he had given vent to -since he entered the house--a low, noiseless chuckle, which -seemed to intimate that he enjoyed his laugh too much, to let any -of it escape in sound. -'Mr. Nupkins,' said the elder lady,'this is not a fit conversation -for the servants to overhear. Let these wretches be removed.' - -'Certainly, my dear,' Said Mr, Nupkins. 'Muzzle!' - -'Your Worship.' - -'Open the front door.' - -'Yes, your Worship.' - -'Leave the house!' said Mr. Nupkins, waving his hand emphatically. - -Jingle smiled, and moved towards the door. - -'Stay!' said Mr. Pickwick. -Jingle stopped. - -'I might,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'have taken a much greater -revenge for the treatment I have experienced at your hands, and -that of your hypocritical friend there.' - -Job Trotter bowed with great politeness, and laid his hand -upon his heart. - -'I say,' said Mr. Pickwick, growing gradually angry, 'that I -might have taken a greater revenge, but I content myself with -exposing you, which I consider a duty I owe to society. This is a -leniency, Sir, which I hope you will remember.' - -When Mr. Pickwick arrived at this point, Job Trotter, with -facetious gravity, applied his hand to his ear, as if desirous not to -lose a syllable he uttered. - -'And I have only to add, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, now thoroughly -angry, 'that I consider you a rascal, and a--a--ruffian--and-- -and worse than any man I ever saw, or heard of, except that -pious and sanctified vagabond in the mulberry livery.' - -'Ha! ha!' said Jingle, 'good fellow, Pickwick--fine heart-- -stout old boy--but must NOT be passionate--bad thing, very-- -bye, bye--see you again some day--keep up your spirits--now, -Job--trot!' - -With these words, Mr. Jingle stuck on his hat in his old -fashion, and strode out of the room. Job Trotter paused, looked -round, smiled and then with a bow of mock solemnity to Mr. -Pickwick, and a wink to Mr. Weller, the audacious slyness of which -baffles all description, followed the footsteps of his hopeful master. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Weller was following. - -'Sir.' -'Stay here.' - -Mr. Weller seemed uncertain. - -'Stay here,' repeated Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mayn't I polish that 'ere Job off, in the front garden?' said -Mr. Weller. -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mayn't I kick him out o' the gate, Sir?' said Mr. Weller. - -'Not on any account,' replied his master. - -For the first time since his engagement, Mr. Weller looked, for -a moment, discontented and unhappy. But his countenance -immediately cleared up; for the wily Mr. Muzzle, by concealing -himself behind the street door, and rushing violently out, at the -right instant, contrived with great dexterity to overturn both -Mr. Jingle and his attendant, down the flight of steps, into the -American aloe tubs that stood beneath. - -'Having discharged my duty, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick to Mr. -Nupkins, 'I will, with my friends, bid you farewell. While we -thank you for such hospitality as we have received, permit me to -assure you, in our joint names, that we should not have accepted -it, or have consented to extricate ourselves in this way, from our -previous dilemma, had we not been impelled by a strong sense of -duty. We return to London to-morrow. Your secret is safe with us.' - -Having thus entered his protest against their treatment of the -morning, Mr. Pickwick bowed low to the ladies, and notwithstanding -the solicitations of the family, left the room with his friends. - -'Get your hat, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's below stairs, Sir,' said Sam, and he ran down after it. - -Now, there was nobody in the kitchen, but the pretty housemaid; -and as Sam's hat was mislaid, he had to look for it, and -the pretty housemaid lighted him. They had to look all over -the place for the hat. The pretty housemaid, in her anxiety to -find it, went down on her knees, and turned over all the things -that were heaped together in a little corner by the door. It was -an awkward corner. You couldn't get at it without shutting the -door first. - -'Here it is,' said the pretty housemaid. 'This is it, ain't it?' - -'Let me look,' said Sam. - -The pretty housemaid had stood the candle on the floor; and, -as it gave a very dim light, Sam was obliged to go down on HIS -knees before he could see whether it really was his own hat or not. -it was a remarkably small corner, and so--it was nobody's fault -but the man's who built the house--Sam and the pretty housemaid -were necessarily very close together. - -'Yes, this is it,' said Sam. 'Good-bye!' - -'Good-bye!' said the pretty housemaid. - -'Good-bye!' said Sam; and as he said it, he dropped the hat -that had cost so much trouble in looking for. - -'How awkward you are,' said the pretty housemaid. 'You'll -lose it again, if you don't take care.' - -So just to prevent his losing it again, she put it on for him. - -Whether it was that the pretty housemaid's face looked -prettier still, when it was raised towards Sam's, or whether it was -the accidental consequence of their being so near to each other, is -matter of uncertainty to this day; but Sam kissed her. - -'You don't mean to say you did that on purpose,' said the -pretty housemaid, blushing. - -'No, I didn't then,' said Sam; 'but I will now.' - -So he kissed her again. -'Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, calling over the banisters. - -'Coming, Sir,' replied Sam, running upstairs. - -'How long you have been!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'There was something behind the door, Sir, which perwented -our getting it open, for ever so long, Sir,' replied Sam. - -And this was the first passage of Mr. Weller's first love. - - - -CHAPTER XXVI -WHICH CONTAINS A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS - OF THE ACTION OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK - - -Having accomplished the main end and object of his journey, by the -exposure of Jingle, Mr. Pickwick resolved on immediately returning -to London, with the view of becoming acquainted with the proceedings -which had been taken against him, in the meantime, by Messrs. -Dodson and Fogg. Acting upon this resolution with all the energy -and decision of his character, he mounted to the back seat of the -first coach which left Ipswich on the morning after the memorable -occurrences detailed at length in the two preceding chapters; and -accompanied by his three friends, and Mr. Samuel Weller, arrived in -the metropolis, in perfect health and safety, the same evening. - -Here the friends, for a short time, separated. Messrs. Tupman, -Winkle, and Snodgrass repaired to their several homes to make -such preparations as might be requisite for their forthcoming -visit to Dingley Dell; and Mr. Pickwick and Sam took up their -present abode in very good, old-fashioned, and comfortable -quarters, to wit, the George and Vulture Tavern and Hotel, -George Yard, Lombard Street. - -Mr. Pickwick had dined, finished his second pint of particular -port, pulled his silk handkerchief over his head, put his feet on -the fender, and thrown himself back in an easy-chair, when the -entrance of Mr. Weller with his carpet-bag, aroused him from -his tranquil meditation. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller. - -'I have just been thinking, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that -having left a good many things at Mrs. Bardell's, in Goswell -Street, I ought to arrange for taking them away, before I leave -town again.' - -'Wery good, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I could send them to Mr. Tupman's, for the present, Sam,' -continued Mr. Pickwick, 'but before we take them away, it is -necessary that they should be looked up, and put together. I -wish you would step up to Goswell Street, Sam, and arrange -about it.' - -'At once, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'At once,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'And stay, Sam,' added Mr. -Pickwick, pulling out his purse, 'there is some rent to pay. The -quarter is not due till Christmas, but you may pay it, and have -done with it. A month's notice terminates my tenancy. Here it is, -written out. Give it, and tell Mrs. Bardell she may put a bill up, -as soon as she likes.' - -'Wery good, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'anythin' more, sir?' - -'Nothing more, Sam.' - -Mr. Weller stepped slowly to the door, as if he expected something -more; slowly opened it, slowly stepped out, and had slowly -closed it within a couple of inches, when Mr. Pickwick called out-- - -'Sam.' - -'Yes, sir,' said Mr. Weller, stepping quickly back, and closing -the door behind him. -'I have no objection, Sam, to your endeavouring to ascertain -how Mrs. Bardell herself seems disposed towards me, and -whether it is really probable that this vile and groundless action -is to be carried to extremity. I say I do not object to you doing -this, if you wish it, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam gave a short nod of intelligence, and left the room. Mr. -Pickwick drew the silk handkerchief once more over his head, -And composed himself for a nap. Mr. Weller promptly walked -forth, to execute his commission. - -It was nearly nine o'clock when he reached Goswell Street. A -couple of candles were burning in the little front parlour, and a -couple of caps were reflected on the window-blind. Mrs. Bardell -had got company. - -Mr. Weller knocked at the door, and after a pretty long -interval--occupied by the party without, in whistling a tune, and -by the party within, in persuading a refractory flat candle to -allow itself to be lighted--a pair of small boots pattered over the -floor-cloth, and Master Bardell presented himself. - -'Well, young townskip,' said Sam, 'how's mother?' - -'She's pretty well,' replied Master Bardell, 'so am I.' - -'Well, that's a mercy,' said Sam; 'tell her I want to speak to -her, will you, my hinfant fernomenon?' - -Master Bardell, thus adjured, placed the refractory flat candle on -the bottom stair, and vanished into the front parlour with his message. - -The two caps, reflected on the window-blind, were the respective -head-dresses of a couple of Mrs. Bardell's most particular -acquaintance, who had just stepped in, to have a quiet cup of tea, -and a little warm supper of a couple of sets of pettitoes and some -toasted cheese. The cheese was simmering and browning away, -most delightfully, in a little Dutch oven before the fire; the -pettitoes were getting on deliciously in a little tin saucepan on the -hob; and Mrs. Bardell and her two friends were getting on very -well, also, in a little quiet conversation about and concerning all -their particular friends and acquaintance; when Master Bardell -came back from answering the door, and delivered the message -intrusted to him by Mr. Samuel Weller. - -'Mr. Pickwick's servant!' said Mrs. Bardell, turning pale. - -'Bless my soul!' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Well, I raly would not ha' believed it, unless I had ha' happened -to ha' been here!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -Mrs. Cluppins was a little, brisk, busy-looking woman; Mrs. -Sanders was a big, fat, heavy-faced personage; and the two were -the company. - -Mrs. Bardell felt it proper to be agitated; and as none of the -three exactly knew whether under existing circumstances, any -communication, otherwise than through Dodson & Fogg, ought -to be held with Mr. Pickwick's servant, they were all rather taken -by surprise. In this state of indecision, obviously the first thing -to be done, was to thump the boy for finding Mr. Weller at the -door. So his mother thumped him, and he cried melodiously. - -'Hold your noise--do--you naughty creetur!' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Yes; don't worrit your poor mother,' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'She's quite enough to worrit her, as it is, without you, Tommy,' -said Mrs. Cluppins, with sympathising resignation. - -'Ah! worse luck, poor lamb!' said Mrs. Sanders. -At all which moral reflections, Master Bardell howled the louder. - -'Now, what shall I do?' said Mrs. Bardell to Mrs. Cluppins. - -'I think you ought to see him,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. 'But on -no account without a witness.' - -'I think two witnesses would be more lawful,' said Mrs. -Sanders, who, like the other friend, was bursting with curiosity. - -'Perhaps he'd better come in here,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'To be sure,' replied Mrs. Cluppins, eagerly catching at the -idea; 'walk in, young man; and shut the street door first, please.' - -Mr. Weller immediately took the hint; and presenting himself -in the parlour, explained his business to Mrs. Bardell thus-- - -'Wery sorry to 'casion any personal inconwenience, ma'am, as -the housebreaker said to the old lady when he put her on the fire; -but as me and my governor 's only jest come to town, and is jest -going away agin, it can't be helped, you see.' - -'Of course, the young man can't help the faults of his master,' said -Mrs. Cluppins, much struck by Mr. Weller's appearance and conversation. - -'Certainly not,' chimed in Mrs. Sanders, who, from certain -wistful glances at the little tin saucepan, seemed to be engaged in -a mental calculation of the probable extent of the pettitoes, in the -event of Sam's being asked to stop to supper. - -'So all I've come about, is jest this here,' said Sam, disregarding -the interruption; 'first, to give my governor's notice--there it is. -Secondly, to pay the rent--here it is. Thirdly, to say as all his -things is to be put together, and give to anybody as we sends for -'em. Fourthly, that you may let the place as soon as you like-- -and that's all.' - -'Whatever has happened,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'I always have -said, and always will say, that in every respect but one, Mr. -Pickwick has always behaved himself like a perfect gentleman. -His money always as good as the bank--always.' - -As Mrs. Bardell said this, she applied her handkerchief to her -eyes, and went out of the room to get the receipt. - -Sam well knew that he had only to remain quiet, and the -women were sure to talk; so he looked alternately at the tin -saucepan, the toasted cheese, the wall, and the ceiling, in -profound silence. - -'Poor dear!' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Ah, poor thing!' replied Mrs. Sanders. -Sam said nothing. He saw they were coming to the subject. - -'I raly cannot contain myself,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'when I -think of such perjury. I don't wish to say anything to make you -uncomfortable, young man, but your master's an old brute, and -I wish I had him here to tell him so.' -'I wish you had,' said Sam. - -'To see how dreadful she takes on, going moping about, and -taking no pleasure in nothing, except when her friends comes in, -out of charity, to sit with her, and make her comfortable,' -resumed Mrs. Cluppins, glancing at the tin saucepan and the -Dutch oven, 'it's shocking!' - -'Barbareous,' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'And your master, young man! A gentleman with money, as -could never feel the expense of a wife, no more than nothing,' -continued Mrs. Cluppins, with great volubility; 'why there ain't -the faintest shade of an excuse for his behaviour! Why don't he -marry her?' - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'to be sure; that's the question.' - -'Question, indeed,' retorted Mrs. Cluppins, 'she'd question -him, if she'd my spirit. Hows'ever, there is law for us women, -mis'rable creeturs as they'd make us, if they could; and that your -master will find out, young man, to his cost, afore he's six -months older.' - -At this consolatory reflection, Mrs. Cluppins bridled up, and -smiled at Mrs. Sanders, who smiled back again. - -'The action's going on, and no mistake,' thought Sam, as -Mrs. Bardell re-entered with the receipt. - -'Here's the receipt, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'and here's the -change, and I hope you'll take a little drop of something to keep -the cold out, if it's only for old acquaintance' sake, Mr. Weller.' - -Sam saw the advantage he should gain, and at once acquiesced; -whereupon Mrs. Bardell produced, from a small closet, a black -bottle and a wine-glass; and so great was her abstraction, in her -deep mental affliction, that, after filling Mr. Weller's glass, she -brought out three more wine-glasses, and filled them too. - -'Lauk, Mrs. Bardell,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'see what you've been -and done!' - -'Well, that is a good one!' ejaculated Mrs. Sanders. - -'Ah, my poor head!' said Mrs. Bardell, with a faint smile. - -Sam understood all this, of course, so he said at once, that he -never could drink before supper, unless a lady drank with him. -A great deal of laughter ensued, and Mrs. Sanders volunteered to -humour him, so she took a slight sip out of her glass. Then Sam -said it must go all round, so they all took a slight sip. Then little -Mrs. Cluppins proposed as a toast, 'Success to Bardell agin -Pickwick'; and then the ladies emptied their glasses in honour of -the sentiment, and got very talkative directly. - -'I suppose you've heard what's going forward, Mr. Weller?' -said Mrs. Bardell. - -'I've heerd somethin' on it,' replied Sam. - -'It's a terrible thing to be dragged before the public, in that -way, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'but I see now, that it's the -only thing I ought to do, and my lawyers, Mr. Dodson and Fogg, -tell me that, with the evidence as we shall call, we must succeed. -I don't know what I should do, Mr. Weller, if I didn't.' - -The mere idea of Mrs. Bardell's failing in her action, affected -Mrs. Sanders so deeply, that she was under the necessity of -refilling and re-emptying her glass immediately; feeling, as she -said afterwards, that if she hadn't had the presence of mind to do -so, she must have dropped. - -'Ven is it expected to come on?' inquired Sam. - -'Either in February or March,' replied Mrs. Bardell. - -'What a number of witnesses there'll be, won't there,?' said -Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Ah! won't there!' replied Mrs. Sanders. - -'And won't Mr. Dodson and Fogg be wild if the plaintiff shouldn't -get it?' added Mrs. Cluppins, 'when they do it all on speculation!' - -'Ah! won't they!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'But the plaintiff must get it,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins. - -'I hope so,' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Oh, there can't be any doubt about it,' rejoined Mrs. Sanders. - -'Vell,' said Sam, rising and setting down his glass, 'all I can say -is, that I vish you MAY get it.' - -'Thank'ee, Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Bardell fervently. - -'And of them Dodson and Foggs, as does these sort o' things -on spec,' continued Mr. Weller, 'as vell as for the other kind and -gen'rous people o' the same purfession, as sets people by the ears, -free gratis for nothin', and sets their clerks to work to find out -little disputes among their neighbours and acquaintances as -vants settlin' by means of lawsuits--all I can say o' them is, that -I vish they had the reward I'd give 'em.' - -'Ah, I wish they had the reward that every kind and generous -heart would be inclined to bestow upon them!' said the gratified -Mrs. Bardell. - -'Amen to that,' replied Sam, 'and a fat and happy liven' they'd -get out of it! Wish you good-night, ladies.' - -To the great relief of Mrs. Sanders, Sam was allowed to depart -without any reference, on the part of the hostess, to the pettitoes -and toasted cheese; to which the ladies, with such juvenile -assistance as Master Bardell could afford, soon afterwards -rendered the amplest justice--indeed they wholly vanished before -their strenuous exertions. - -Mr. Weller wended his way back to the George and Vulture, -and faithfully recounted to his master, such indications of the -sharp practice of Dodson & Fogg, as he had contrived to pick up -in his visit to Mrs. Bardell's. An interview with Mr. Perker, next -day, more than confirmed Mr. Weller's statement; and Mr. -Pickwick was fain to prepare for his Christmas visit to Dingley -Dell, with the pleasant anticipation that some two or three -months afterwards, an action brought against him for damages -sustained by reason of a breach of promise of marriage, would -be publicly tried in the Court of Common Pleas; the plaintiff -having all the advantages derivable, not only from the force of -circumstances, but from the sharp practice of Dodson & Fogg -to boot. - - - -CHAPTER XXVII -SAMUEL WELLER MAKES A PILGRIMAGE TO DORKING, - AND BEHOLDS HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW - - -There still remaining an interval of two days before the time agreed -upon for the departure of the Pickwickians to Dingley Dell, Mr. -Weller sat himself down in a back room at the George and Vulture, -after eating an early dinner, to muse on the best way of disposing of -his time. It was a remarkably fine day; and he had not turned the -matter over in his mind ten minutes, when he was suddenly stricken -filial and affectionate; and it occurred to him so strongly that he -ought to go down and see his father, and pay his duty to his -mother-in-law, that he was lost in astonishment at his own remissness -in never thinking of this moral obligation before. Anxious to atone -for his past neglect without another hour's delay, he straightway -walked upstairs to Mr. Pickwick, and requested leave of absence for -this laudable purpose. - -'Certainly, Sam, certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick, his eyes -glistening with delight at this manifestation of filial feeling on the -part of his attendant; 'certainly, Sam.' - -Mr. Weller made a grateful bow. - -'I am very glad to see that you have so high a sense of your -duties as a son, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I always had, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'That's a very gratifying reflection, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick -approvingly. - -'Wery, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'if ever I wanted anythin' o' -my father, I always asked for it in a wery 'spectful and obligin' -manner. If he didn't give it me, I took it, for fear I should be led -to do anythin' wrong, through not havin' it. I saved him a world -o' trouble this vay, Sir.' - -'That's not precisely what I meant, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, -shaking his head, with a slight smile. - -'All good feelin', sir--the wery best intentions, as the gen'l'm'n -said ven he run away from his wife 'cos she seemed unhappy -with him,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'You may go, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Thank'ee, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller; and having made his best -bow, and put on his best clothes, Sam planted himself on the top -of the Arundel coach, and journeyed on to Dorking. - -The Marquis of Granby, in Mrs. Weller's time, was quite a -model of a roadside public-house of the better class--just large -enough to be convenient, and small enough to be snug. On the -opposite side of the road was a large sign-board on a high post, -representing the head and shoulders of a gentleman with an -apoplectic countenance, in a red coat with deep blue facings, and -a touch of the same blue over his three-cornered hat, for a sky. -Over that again were a pair of flags; beneath the last button of -his coat were a couple of cannon; and the whole formed an -expressive and undoubted likeness of the Marquis of Granby of -glorious memory. - -The bar window displayed a choice collection of geranium -plants, and a well-dusted row of spirit phials. The open shutters -bore a variety of golden inscriptions, eulogistic of good beds and -neat wines; and the choice group of countrymen and hostlers -lounging about the stable door and horse-trough, afforded -presumptive proof of the excellent quality of the ale and spirits -which were sold within. Sam Weller paused, when he dismounted -from the coach, to note all these little indications of a thriving -business, with the eye of an experienced traveller; and having -done so, stepped in at once, highly satisfied with everything he -had observed. - -'Now, then!' said a shrill female voice the instant Sam thrust -his head in at the door, 'what do you want, young man?' - -Sam looked round in the direction whence the voice proceeded. -It came from a rather stout lady of comfortable appearance, who -was seated beside the fireplace in the bar, blowing the fire to -make the kettle boil for tea. She was not alone; for on the other -side of the fireplace, sitting bolt upright in a high-backed chair, -was a man in threadbare black clothes, with a back almost as -long and stiff as that of the chair itself, who caught Sam's most -particular and especial attention at once. - -He was a prim-faced, red-nosed man, with a long, thin -countenance, and a semi-rattlesnake sort of eye--rather sharp, -but decidedly bad. He wore very short trousers, and black cotton -stockings, which, like the rest of his apparel, were particularly -rusty. His looks were starched, but his white neckerchief was not, -and its long limp ends straggled over his closely-buttoned waistcoat -in a very uncouth and unpicturesque fashion. A pair of old, -worn, beaver gloves, a broad-brimmed hat, and a faded green -umbrella, with plenty of whalebone sticking through the bottom, -as if to counterbalance the want of a handle at the top, lay on a -chair beside him; and, being disposed in a very tidy and careful -manner, seemed to imply that the red-nosed man, whoever he -was, had no intention of going away in a hurry. - -To do the red-nosed man justice, he would have been very far -from wise if he had entertained any such intention; for, to judge -from all appearances, he must have been possessed of a most -desirable circle of acquaintance, if he could have reasonably -expected to be more comfortable anywhere else. The fire was -blazing brightly under the influence of the bellows, and the kettle -was singing gaily under the influence of both. A small tray of -tea-things was arranged on the table; a plate of hot buttered -toast was gently simmering before the fire; and the red-nosed -man himself was busily engaged in converting a large slice of -bread into the same agreeable edible, through the instrumentality -of a long brass toasting-fork. Beside him stood a glass of reeking -hot pine-apple rum-and-water, with a slice of lemon in it; and -every time the red-nosed man stopped to bring the round of toast -to his eye, with the view of ascertaining how it got on, he imbibed -a drop or two of the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, and smiled -upon the rather stout lady, as she blew the fire. - -Sam was so lost in the contemplation of this comfortable -scene, that he suffered the first inquiry of the rather stout lady to -pass unheeded. It was not until it had been twice repeated, each -time in a shriller tone, that he became conscious of the -impropriety of his behaviour. - -'Governor in?' inquired Sam, in reply to the question. - -'No, he isn't,' replied Mrs. Weller; for the rather stout lady -was no other than the quondam relict and sole executrix of the -dead-and-gone Mr. Clarke; 'no, he isn't, and I don't expect him, either.' - -'I suppose he's drivin' up to-day?' said Sam. - -'He may be, or he may not,' replied Mrs. Weller, buttering -the round of toast which the red-nosed man had just finished. 'I -don't know, and, what's more, I don't care.--Ask a blessin', -Mr. Stiggins.' - -The red-nosed man did as he was desired, and instantly -commenced on the toast with fierce voracity. - -The appearance of the red-nosed man had induced Sam, at -first sight, to more than half suspect that he was the deputy- -shepherd of whom his estimable parent had spoken. The moment -he saw him eat, all doubt on the subject was removed, and he -perceived at once that if he purposed to take up his temporary -quarters where he was, he must make his footing good without -delay. He therefore commenced proceedings by putting his arm -over the half-door of the bar, coolly unbolting it, and leisurely -walking in. - -'Mother-in-law,' said Sam, 'how are you?' - -'Why, I do believe he is a Weller!' said Mrs. W., raising her -eyes to Sam's face, with no very gratified expression of countenance. - -'I rayther think he is,' said the imperturbable Sam; 'and I hope -this here reverend gen'l'm'n 'll excuse me saying that I wish I was -THE Weller as owns you, mother-in-law.' - -This was a double-barrelled compliment. It implied that Mrs. -Weller was a most agreeable female, and also that Mr. Stiggins -had a clerical appearance. It made a visible impression at once; -and Sam followed up his advantage by kissing his mother-in-law. - -'Get along with you!' said Mrs. Weller, pushing him away. -'For shame, young man!' said the gentleman with the red nose. - -'No offence, sir, no offence,' replied Sam; 'you're wery right, -though; it ain't the right sort o' thing, ven mothers-in-law is -young and good-looking, is it, Sir?' - -'It's all vanity,' said Mr. Stiggins. - -'Ah, so it is,' said Mrs. Weller, setting her cap to rights. - -Sam thought it was, too, but he held his peace. - -The deputy-shepherd seemed by no means best pleased with -Sam's arrival; and when the first effervescence of the compliment -had subsided, even Mrs. Weller looked as if she could have -spared him without the smallest inconvenience. However, there -he was; and as he couldn't be decently turned out, they all three -sat down to tea. - -'And how's father?' said Sam. - -At this inquiry, Mrs. Weller raised her hands, and turned up -her eyes, as if the subject were too painful to be alluded to. - -Mr. Stiggins groaned. - -'What's the matter with that 'ere gen'l'm'n?' inquired Sam. - -'He's shocked at the way your father goes on in,' replied Mrs. Weller. - -'Oh, he is, is he?' said Sam. - -'And with too good reason,' added Mrs. Weller gravely. - -Mr. Stiggins took up a fresh piece of toast, and groaned heavily. - -'He is a dreadful reprobate,' said Mrs. Weller. - -'A man of wrath!' exclaimed Mr. Stiggins. He took a large -semi-circular bite out of the toast, and groaned again. - -Sam felt very strongly disposed to give the reverend Mr. -Stiggins something to groan for, but he repressed his inclination, -and merely asked, 'What's the old 'un up to now?' - -'Up to, indeed!' said Mrs. Weller, 'Oh, he has a hard heart. -Night after night does this excellent man--don't frown, -Mr. Stiggins; I WILL say you ARE an excellent man--come and sit -here, for hours together, and it has not the least effect upon him.' -'Well, that is odd,' said Sam; 'it 'ud have a wery considerable -effect upon me, if I wos in his place; I know that.' - -'The fact is, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins solemnly, 'he -has an obderrate bosom. Oh, my young friend, who else could -have resisted the pleading of sixteen of our fairest sisters, and -withstood their exhortations to subscribe to our noble society for -providing the infant negroes in the West Indies with flannel -waistcoats and moral pocket-handkerchiefs?' - -'What's a moral pocket-ankercher?' said Sam; 'I never see one -o' them articles o' furniter.' - -'Those which combine amusement With instruction, my young -friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'blending select tales with wood-cuts.' - -'Oh, I know,' said Sam; 'them as hangs up in the linen-drapers' -shops, with beggars' petitions and all that 'ere upon 'em?' - -Mr. Stiggins began a third round of toast, and nodded assent. -'And he wouldn't be persuaded by the ladies, wouldn't he?' -said Sam. - -'Sat and smoked his pipe, and said the infant negroes were-- -what did he say the infant negroes were?' said Mrs. Weller. - -'Little humbugs,' replied Mr. Stiggins, deeply affected. - -'Said the infant negroes were little humbugs,' repeated Mrs. -Weller. And they both groaned at the atrocious conduct of the -elder Mr. Weller. - -A great many more iniquities of a similar nature might have -been disclosed, only the toast being all eaten, the tea having got -very weak, and Sam holding out no indications of meaning to -go, Mr. Stiggins suddenly recollected that he had a most pressing -appointment with the shepherd, and took himself off accordingly. - -The tea-things had been scarcely put away, and the hearth -swept up, when the London coach deposited Mr. Weller, senior, -at the door; his legs deposited him in the bar; and his eyes -showed him his son. - -'What, Sammy!' exclaimed the father. - -'What, old Nobs!' ejaculated the son. And they shook hands heartily. - -'Wery glad to see you, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. Weller, -'though how you've managed to get over your mother-in-law, is -a mystery to me. I only vish you'd write me out the receipt, -that's all.' - -'Hush!' said Sam, 'she's at home, old feller.' -'She ain't vithin hearin',' replied Mr. Weller; 'she always goes -and blows up, downstairs, for a couple of hours arter tea; so we'll -just give ourselves a damp, Sammy.' - -Saying this, Mr. Weller mixed two glasses of spirits-and-water, -and produced a couple of pipes. The father and son sitting down -opposite each other; Sam on one side of the fire, in the -high-backed chair, and Mr. Weller, senior, on the other, in -an easy ditto, they proceeded to enjoy themselves with all due gravity. - -'Anybody been here, Sammy?' asked Mr. Weller, senior, -dryly, after a long silence. - -Sam nodded an expressive assent. - -'Red-nosed chap?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -Sam nodded again. - -'Amiable man that 'ere, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, smoking violently. - -'Seems so,' observed Sam. - -'Good hand at accounts,' said Mr. Weller. -'Is he?' said Sam. - -'Borrows eighteenpence on Monday, and comes on Tuesday -for a shillin' to make it up half-a-crown; calls again on Vensday -for another half-crown to make it five shillin's; and goes on, -doubling, till he gets it up to a five pund note in no time, like -them sums in the 'rithmetic book 'bout the nails in the horse's -shoes, Sammy.' - -Sam intimated by a nod that he recollected the problem -alluded to by his parent. - -'So you vouldn't subscribe to the flannel veskits?' said Sam, -after another interval of smoking. - -'Cert'nly not,' replied Mr. Weller; 'what's the good o' flannel -veskits to the young niggers abroad? But I'll tell you what it is, -Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, lowering his voice, and bending across -the fireplace; 'I'd come down wery handsome towards strait -veskits for some people at home.' - -As Mr. Weller said this, he slowly recovered his former position, -and winked at his first-born, in a profound manner. - -'it cert'nly seems a queer start to send out pocket-'ankerchers -to people as don't know the use on 'em,' observed Sam. - -'They're alvays a-doin' some gammon of that sort, Sammy,' -replied his father. 'T'other Sunday I wos walkin' up the road, -wen who should I see, a-standin' at a chapel door, with a blue -soup-plate in her hand, but your mother-in-law! I werily believe -there was change for a couple o' suv'rins in it, then, Sammy, all -in ha'pence; and as the people come out, they rattled the pennies -in it, till you'd ha' thought that no mortal plate as ever was -baked, could ha' stood the wear and tear. What d'ye think it was -all for?' - -'For another tea-drinkin', perhaps,' said Sam. - -'Not a bit on it,' replied the father; 'for the shepherd's water- -rate, Sammy.' - -'The shepherd's water-rate!' said Sam. - -'Ay,' replied Mr. Weller, 'there was three quarters owin', and -the shepherd hadn't paid a farden, not he--perhaps it might be -on account that the water warn't o' much use to him, for it's wery -little o' that tap he drinks, Sammy, wery; he knows a trick worth -a good half-dozen of that, he does. Hows'ever, it warn't paid, and -so they cuts the water off. Down goes the shepherd to chapel, -gives out as he's a persecuted saint, and says he hopes the heart -of the turncock as cut the water off, 'll be softened, and turned -in the right vay, but he rayther thinks he's booked for somethin' -uncomfortable. Upon this, the women calls a meetin', sings a -hymn, wotes your mother-in-law into the chair, wolunteers a -collection next Sunday, and hands it all over to the shepherd. -And if he ain't got enough out on 'em, Sammy, to make him free -of the water company for life,' said Mr. Weller, in conclusion, -'I'm one Dutchman, and you're another, and that's all about it.' - -Mr. Weller smoked for some minutes in silence, and then resumed-- - -'The worst o' these here shepherds is, my boy, that they -reg'larly turns the heads of all the young ladies, about here. -Lord bless their little hearts, they thinks it's all right, and don't -know no better; but they're the wictims o' gammon, Samivel, -they're the wictims o' gammon.' - -'I s'pose they are,' said Sam. - -'Nothin' else,' said Mr. Weller, shaking his head gravely; 'and -wot aggrawates me, Samivel, is to see 'em a-wastin' all their time -and labour in making clothes for copper-coloured people as don't -want 'em, and taking no notice of flesh-coloured Christians as -do. If I'd my vay, Samivel, I'd just stick some o' these here lazy -shepherds behind a heavy wheelbarrow, and run 'em up and -down a fourteen-inch-wide plank all day. That 'ud shake the -nonsense out of 'em, if anythin' vould.' - -Mr. Weller, having delivered this gentle recipe with strong -emphasis, eked out by a variety of nods and contortions of the -eye, emptied his glass at a draught, and knocked the ashes out of -his pipe, with native dignity. - -He was engaged in this operation, when a shrill voice was -heard in the passage. - -'Here's your dear relation, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller; and -Mrs. W. hurried into the room. - -'Oh, you've come back, have you!' said Mrs. Weller. - -'Yes, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller, filling a fresh pipe. - -'Has Mr. Stiggins been back?' said Mrs. Weller. - -'No, my dear, he hasn't,' replied Mr. Weller, lighting the pipe -by the ingenious process of holding to the bowl thereof, between -the tongs, a red-hot coal from the adjacent fire; and what's more, -my dear, I shall manage to surwive it, if he don't come back -at all.' - -'Ugh, you wretch!' said Mrs. Weller. - -'Thank'ee, my love,' said Mr. Weller. -'Come, come, father,' said Sam, 'none o' these little lovin's -afore strangers. Here's the reverend gen'l'm'n a-comin' in now.' -At this announcement, Mrs. Weller hastily wiped off the tears -which she had just begun to force on; and Mr. W. drew his chair -sullenly into the chimney-corner. - -Mr. Stiggins was easily prevailed on to take another glass of -the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, and a second, and a third, and -then to refresh himself with a slight supper, previous to beginning -again. He sat on the same side as Mr. Weller, senior; and every -time he could contrive to do so, unseen by his wife, that gentleman -indicated to his son the hidden emotions of his bosom, by -shaking his fist over the deputy-shepherd's head; a process -which afforded his son the most unmingled delight and satisfaction, -the more especially as Mr. Stiggins went on, quietly drinking -the hot pine-apple rum-and-water, wholly unconscious of what -was going forward. - -The major part of the conversation was confined to Mrs. -Weller and the reverend Mr. Stiggins; and the topics principally -descanted on, were the virtues of the shepherd, the worthiness of -his flock, and the high crimes and misdemeanours of everybody -beside--dissertations which the elder Mr. Weller occasionally -interrupted by half-suppressed references to a gentleman of the -name of Walker, and other running commentaries of the same kind. - -At length Mr. Stiggins, with several most indubitable symptoms -of having quite as much pine-apple rum-and-water about him as -he could comfortably accommodate, took his hat, and his leave; -and Sam was, immediately afterwards, shown to bed by his -father. The respectable old gentleman wrung his hand fervently, -and seemed disposed to address some observation to his son; but -on Mrs. Weller advancing towards him, he appeared to relinquish -that intention, and abruptly bade him good-night. - -Sam was up betimes next day, and having partaken of a hasty -breakfast, prepared to return to London. He had scarcely set foot -without the house, when his father stood before him. - -'Goin', Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Off at once,' replied Sam. - -'I vish you could muffle that 'ere Stiggins, and take him vith -you,' said Mr. Weller. - -'I am ashamed on you!' said Sam reproachfully; 'what do you -let him show his red nose in the Markis o' Granby at all, for?' - -Mr. Weller the elder fixed on his son an earnest look, and -replied, ''Cause I'm a married man, Samivel,'cause I'm a married -man. Ven you're a married man, Samivel, you'll understand a -good many things as you don't understand now; but vether it's -worth while goin' through so much, to learn so little, as the -charity-boy said ven he got to the end of the alphabet, is a -matter o' taste. I rayther think it isn't.' -'Well,' said Sam, 'good-bye.' - -'Tar, tar, Sammy,' replied his father. - -'I've only got to say this here,' said Sam, stopping short, 'that -if I was the properiator o' the Markis o' Granby, and that 'ere -Stiggins came and made toast in my bar, I'd--' - -'What?' interposed Mr. Weller, with great anxiety. 'What?' - -'Pison his rum-and-water,' said Sam. - -'No!' said Mr. Weller, shaking his son eagerly by the hand, -'would you raly, Sammy-would you, though?' - -'I would,' said Sam. 'I wouldn't be too hard upon him at first. -I'd drop him in the water-butt, and put the lid on; and if I found -he was insensible to kindness, I'd try the other persvasion.' - -The elder Mr. Weller bestowed a look of deep, unspeakable -admiration on his son, and, having once more grasped his hand, -walked slowly away, revolving in his mind the numerous reflections -to which his advice had given rise. - -Sam looked after him, until he turned a corner of the road; -and then set forward on his walk to London. He meditated at -first, on the probable consequences of his own advice, and the -likelihood of his father's adopting it. He dismissed the subject -from his mind, however, with the consolatory reflection that time -alone would show; and this is the reflection we would impress -upon the reader. - - - -CHAPTER XXVIII -A GOOD-HUMOURED CHRISTMAS CHAPTER, CONTAINING - AN ACCOUNT OF A WEDDING, AND SOME OTHER SPORTS - BESIDE: WHICH ALTHOUGH IN THEIR WAY, EVEN AS GOOD - CUSTOMS AS MARRIAGE ITSELF, ARE NOT QUITE SO - RELIGIOUSLY KEPT UP, IN THESE DEGENERATE TIMES - - -As brisk as bees, if not altogether as light as fairies, did the four -Pickwickians assemble on the morning of the twenty-second day of -December, in the year of grace in which these, their faithfully-recorded -adventures, were undertaken and accomplished. Christmas was close at -hand, in all his bluff and hearty honesty; it was the season of -hospitality, merriment, and open-heartedness; the old year was -preparing, like an ancient philosopher, to call his friends around -him, and amidst the sound of feasting and revelry to pass gently and -calmly away. Gay and merry was the time; and right gay and merry -were at least four of the numerous hearts that were gladdened by -its coming. - -And numerous indeed are the hearts to which Christmas -brings a brief season of happiness and enjoyment. How many -families, whose members have been dispersed and scattered far -and wide, in the restless struggles of life, are then reunited, and -meet once again in that happy state of companionship and mutual -goodwill, which is a source of such pure and unalloyed delight; -and one so incompatible with the cares and sorrows of the world, -that the religious belief of the most civilised nations, and the rude -traditions of the roughest savages, alike number it among the -first joys of a future condition of existence, provided for the -blessed and happy! How many old recollections, and how many -dormant sympathies, does Christmas time awaken! - -We write these words now, many miles distant from the spot -at which, year after year, we met on that day, a merry and joyous -circle. Many of the hearts that throbbed so gaily then, have -ceased to beat; many of the looks that shone so brightly then, -have ceased to glow; the hands we grasped, have grown cold; the -eyes we sought, have hid their lustre in the grave; and yet the old -house, the room, the merry voices and smiling faces, the jest, -the laugh, the most minute and trivial circumstances connected -with those happy meetings, crowd upon our mind at each -recurrence of the season, as if the last assemblage had been but -yesterday! Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the -delusions of our childish days; that can recall to the old man the -pleasures of his youth; that can transport the sailor and the -traveller, thousands of miles away, back to his own fireside and -his quiet home! - -But we are so taken up and occupied with the good qualities of -this saint Christmas, that we are keeping Mr. Pickwick and his -friends waiting in the cold on the outside of the Muggleton -coach, which they have just attained, well wrapped up in great- -coats, shawls, and comforters. The portmanteaus and carpet- -bags have been stowed away, and Mr. Weller and the guard are -endeavouring to insinuate into the fore-boot a huge cod-fish -several sizes too large for it--which is snugly packed up, in a long -brown basket, with a layer of straw over the top, and which has -been left to the last, in order that he may repose in safety on the -half-dozen barrels of real native oysters, all the property of -Mr. Pickwick, which have been arranged in regular order at the -bottom of the receptacle. The interest displayed in Mr. Pickwick's -countenance is most intense, as Mr. Weller and the guard try to -squeeze the cod-fish into the boot, first head first, and then tail -first, and then top upward, and then bottom upward, and then -side-ways, and then long-ways, all of which artifices the implacable -cod-fish sturdily resists, until the guard accidentally hits him -in the very middle of the basket, whereupon he suddenly disappears -into the boot, and with him, the head and shoulders of -the guard himself, who, not calculating upon so sudden a -cessation of the passive resistance of the cod-fish, experiences a -very unexpected shock, to the unsmotherable delight of all the -porters and bystanders. Upon this, Mr. Pickwick smiles with -great good-humour, and drawing a shilling from his waistcoat -pocket, begs the guard, as he picks himself out of the boot, to -drink his health in a glass of hot brandy-and-water; at which the -guard smiles too, and Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, -all smile in company. The guard and Mr. Weller disappear for -five minutes, most probably to get the hot brandy-and-water, for -they smell very strongly of it, when they return, the coachman -mounts to the box, Mr. Weller jumps up behind, the Pickwickians -pull their coats round their legs and their shawls over their noses, -the helpers pull the horse-cloths off, the coachman shouts out a -cheery 'All right,' and away they go. - -They have rumbled through the streets, and jolted over the -stones, and at length reach the wide and open country. The -wheels skim over the hard and frosty ground; and the horses, -bursting into a canter at a smart crack of the whip, step along the -road as if the load behind them--coach, passengers, cod-fish, -oyster-barrels, and all--were but a feather at their heels. They -have descended a gentle slope, and enter upon a level, as compact -and dry as a solid block of marble, two miles long. Another crack -of the whip, and on they speed, at a smart gallop, the horses -tossing their heads and rattling the harness, as if in exhilaration -at the rapidity of the motion; while the coachman, holding whip -and reins in one hand, takes off his hat with the other, and resting -it on his knees, pulls out his handkerchief, and wipes his forehead, -partly because he has a habit of doing it, and partly -because it's as well to show the passengers how cool he is, and -what an easy thing it is to drive four-in-hand, when you have had -as much practice as he has. Having done this very leisurely -(otherwise the effect would be materially impaired), he replaces -his handkerchief, pulls on his hat, adjusts his gloves, squares his -elbows, cracks the whip again, and on they speed, more merrily -than before. -A few small houses, scattered on either side of the road, -betoken the entrance to some town or village. The lively notes -of the guard's key-bugle vibrate in the clear cold air, and wake -up the old gentleman inside, who, carefully letting down the -window-sash half-way, and standing sentry over the air, takes a -short peep out, and then carefully pulling it up again, informs the -other inside that they're going to change directly; on which the -other inside wakes himself up, and determines to postpone his -next nap until after the stoppage. Again the bugle sounds lustily -forth, and rouses the cottager's wife and children, who peep out -at the house door, and watch the coach till it turns the corner, -when they once more crouch round the blazing fire, and throw on -another log of wood against father comes home; while father -himself, a full mile off, has just exchanged a friendly nod with the -coachman, and turned round to take a good long stare at the -vehicle as it whirls away. - -And now the bugle plays a lively air as the coach rattles -through the ill-paved streets of a country town; and the coachman, -undoing the buckle which keeps his ribands together, -prepares to throw them off the moment he stops. Mr. Pickwick -emerges from his coat collar, and looks about him with great -curiosity; perceiving which, the coachman informs Mr. Pickwick -of the name of the town, and tells him it was market-day yesterday, -both of which pieces of information Mr. Pickwick retails to -his fellow-passengers; whereupon they emerge from their coat -collars too, and look about them also. Mr. Winkle, who sits at -the extreme edge, with one leg dangling in the air, is nearly -precipitated into the street, as the coach twists round the sharp -corner by the cheesemonger's shop, and turns into the market- -place; and before Mr. Snodgrass, who sits next to him, has -recovered from his alarm, they pull up at the inn yard where the -fresh horses, with cloths on, are already waiting. The coachman -throws down the reins and gets down himself, and the other -outside passengers drop down also; except those who have no -great confidence in their ability to get up again; and they remain -where they are, and stamp their feet against the coach to warm -them--looking, with longing eyes and red noses, at the bright -fire in the inn bar, and the sprigs of holly with red berries which -ornament the window. - -But the guard has delivered at the corn-dealer's shop, the -brown paper packet he took out of the little pouch which hangs -over his shoulder by a leathern strap; and has seen the horses -carefully put to; and has thrown on the pavement the saddle -which was brought from London on the coach roof; and has -assisted in the conference between the coachman and the hostler -about the gray mare that hurt her off fore-leg last Tuesday; and -he and Mr. Weller are all right behind, and the coachman is all -right in front, and the old gentleman inside, who has kept the -window down full two inches all this time, has pulled it up again, -and the cloths are off, and they are all ready for starting, except -the 'two stout gentlemen,' whom the coachman inquires after -with some impatience. Hereupon the coachman, and the guard, -and Sam Weller, and Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass, and all -the hostlers, and every one of the idlers, who are more in number -than all the others put together, shout for the missing gentlemen -as loud as they can bawl. A distant response is heard from the -yard, and Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Tupman come running down it, -quite out of breath, for they have been having a glass of ale -a-piece, and Mr. Pickwick's fingers are so cold that he has been -full five minutes before he could find the sixpence to pay for it. -The coachman shouts an admonitory 'Now then, gen'l'm'n,' the -guard re-echoes it; the old gentleman inside thinks it a very -extraordinary thing that people WILL get down when they know -there isn't time for it; Mr. Pickwick struggles up on one side, -Mr. Tupman on the other; Mr. Winkle cries 'All right'; and off -they start. Shawls are pulled up, coat collars are readjusted, the -pavement ceases, the houses disappear; and they are once again -dashing along the open road, with the fresh clear air blowing in -their faces, and gladdening their very hearts within them. - -Such was the progress of Mr. Pickwick and his friends by the -Muggleton Telegraph, on their way to Dingley Dell; and at -three o'clock that afternoon they all stood high and dry, safe -and sound, hale and hearty, upon the steps of the Blue Lion, -having taken on the road quite enough of ale and brandy, to -enable them to bid defiance to the frost that was binding up the -earth in its iron fetters, and weaving its beautiful network upon -the trees and hedges. Mr. Pickwick was busily engaged in counting -the barrels of oysters and superintending the disinterment of -the cod-fish, when he felt himself gently pulled by the skirts of the -coat. Looking round, he discovered that the individual who -resorted to this mode of catching his attention was no other than -Mr. Wardle's favourite page, better known to the readers of this -unvarnished history, by the distinguishing appellation of the -fat boy. - -'Aha!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Aha!' said the fat boy. - -As he said it, he glanced from the cod-fish to the oyster- -barrels, and chuckled joyously. He was fatter than ever. - -'Well, you look rosy enough, my young friend,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I've been asleep, right in front of the taproom fire,' replied the -fat boy, who had heated himself to the colour of a new chimney- -pot, in the course of an hour's nap. 'Master sent me over with -the shay-cart, to carry your luggage up to the house. He'd ha' -sent some saddle-horses, but he thought you'd rather walk, -being a cold day.' - -'Yes, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily, for he remembered how -they had travelled over nearly the same ground on a previous -occasion. 'Yes, we would rather walk. Here, Sam!' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Help Mr. Wardle's servant to put the packages into the cart, -and then ride on with him. We will walk forward at once.' - -Having given this direction, and settled with the coachman, -Mr. Pickwick and his three friends struck into the footpath across -the fields, and walked briskly away, leaving Mr. Weller and the -fat boy confronted together for the first time. Sam looked at -the fat boy with great astonishment, but without saying a word; -and began to stow the luggage rapidly away in the cart, while the -fat boy stood quietly by, and seemed to think it a very interesting -sort of thing to see Mr. Weller working by himself. - -'There,' said Sam, throwing in the last carpet-bag, 'there they are!' - -'Yes,' said the fat boy, in a very satisfied tone, 'there they are.' - -'Vell, young twenty stun,' said Sam, 'you're a nice specimen of -a prize boy, you are!' -'Thank'ee,' said the fat boy. - -'You ain't got nothin' on your mind as makes you fret yourself, -have you?' inquired Sam. - -'Not as I knows on,' replied the fat boy. - -'I should rayther ha' thought, to look at you, that you was -a-labourin' under an unrequited attachment to some young -'ooman,' said Sam. - -The fat boy shook his head. - -'Vell,' said Sam, 'I am glad to hear it. Do you ever drink anythin'?' - -'I likes eating better,' replied the boy. - -'Ah,' said Sam, 'I should ha' s'posed that; but what I mean is, -should you like a drop of anythin' as'd warm you? but I s'pose -you never was cold, with all them elastic fixtures, was you?' - -'Sometimes,' replied the boy; 'and I likes a drop of something, -when it's good.' - -'Oh, you do, do you?' said Sam, 'come this way, then!' - -The Blue Lion tap was soon gained, and the fat boy swallowed -a glass of liquor without so much as winking--a feat which -considerably advanced him in Mr. Weller's good opinion. Mr. -Weller having transacted a similar piece of business on his own -account, they got into the cart. - -'Can you drive?' said the fat boy. -'I should rayther think so,' replied Sam. - -'There, then,' said the fat boy, putting the reins in his hand, -and pointing up a lane, 'it's as straight as you can go; you can't -miss it.' - -With these words, the fat boy laid himself affectionately down -by the side of the cod-fish, and, placing an oyster-barrel under -his head for a pillow, fell asleep instantaneously. - -'Well,' said Sam, 'of all the cool boys ever I set my eyes on, this -here young gen'l'm'n is the coolest. Come, wake up, young dropsy!' - -But as young dropsy evinced no symptoms of returning animation, -Sam Weller sat himself down in front of the cart, and -starting the old horse with a jerk of the rein, jogged steadily on, -towards the Manor Farm. - -Meanwhile, Mr. Pickwick and his friends having walked their -blood into active circulation, proceeded cheerfully on. The paths -were hard; the grass was crisp and frosty; the air had a fine, dry, -bracing coldness; and the rapid approach of the gray twilight -(slate-coloured is a better term in frosty weather) made them -look forward with pleasant anticipation to the comforts which -awaited them at their hospitable entertainer's. It was the sort of -afternoon that might induce a couple of elderly gentlemen, in a -lonely field, to take off their greatcoats and play at leap-frog in -pure lightness of heart and gaiety; and we firmly believe that had -Mr. Tupman at that moment proffered 'a back,' Mr. Pickwick -would have accepted his offer with the utmost avidity. - -However, Mr. Tupman did not volunteer any such accommodation, -and the friends walked on, conversing merrily. As -they turned into a lane they had to cross, the sound of many -voices burst upon their ears; and before they had even had -time to form a guess to whom they belonged, they walked -into the very centre of the party who were expecting their -arrival--a fact which was first notified to the Pickwickians, by -the loud 'Hurrah,' which burst from old Wardle's lips, when -they appeared in sight. - -First, there was Wardle himself, looking, if that were possible, -more jolly than ever; then there were Bella and her faithful -Trundle; and, lastly, there were Emily and some eight or ten -young ladies, who had all come down to the wedding, which was -to take place next day, and who were in as happy and important -a state as young ladies usually are, on such momentous occasions; -and they were, one and all, startling the fields and lanes, far and -wide, with their frolic and laughter. - -The ceremony of introduction, under such circumstances, was -very soon performed, or we should rather say that the introduction -was soon over, without any ceremony at all. In two minutes -thereafter, Mr. Pickwick was joking with the young ladies who -wouldn't come over the stile while he looked--or who, having -pretty feet and unexceptionable ankles, preferred standing on the -top rail for five minutes or so, declaring that they were too -frightened to move--with as much ease and absence of reserve or -constraint, as if he had known them for life. It is worthy of -remark, too, that Mr. Snodgrass offered Emily far more assistance -than the absolute terrors of the stile (although it was full three -feet high, and had only a couple of stepping-stones) would -seem to require; while one black-eyed young lady in a very -nice little pair of boots with fur round the top, was observed -to scream very loudly, when Mr. Winkle offered to help her over. - -All this was very snug and pleasant. And when the difficulties -of the stile were at last surmounted, and they once more entered -on the open field, old Wardle informed Mr. Pickwick how they -had all been down in a body to inspect the furniture and fittings- -up of the house, which the young couple were to tenant, after the -Christmas holidays; at which communication Bella and Trundle -both coloured up, as red as the fat boy after the taproom fire; -and the young lady with the black eyes and the fur round the -boots, whispered something in Emily's ear, and then glanced -archly at Mr. Snodgrass; to which Emily responded that she was -a foolish girl, but turned very red, notwithstanding; and Mr. -Snodgrass, who was as modest as all great geniuses usually are, -felt the crimson rising to the crown of his head, and devoutly -wished, in the inmost recesses of his own heart, that the young -lady aforesaid, with her black eyes, and her archness, and her -boots with the fur round the top, were all comfortably deposited -in the adjacent county. - -But if they were social and happy outside the house, what was -the warmth and cordiality of their reception when they reached -the farm! The very servants grinned with pleasure at sight of -Mr. Pickwick; and Emma bestowed a half-demure, half-impudent, -and all-pretty look of recognition, on Mr. Tupman, -which was enough to make the statue of Bonaparte in the -passage, unfold his arms, and clasp her within them. - -The old lady was seated with customary state in the front -parlour, but she was rather cross, and, by consequence, most -particularly deaf. She never went out herself, and like a great -many other old ladies of the same stamp, she was apt to consider -it an act of domestic treason, if anybody else took the liberty of -doing what she couldn't. So, bless her old soul, she sat as upright -as she could, in her great chair, and looked as fierce as might be ---and that was benevolent after all. - -'Mother,' said Wardle, 'Mr. Pickwick. You recollect him?' - -'Never mind,' replied the old lady, with great dignity. 'Don't -trouble Mr. Pickwick about an old creetur like me. Nobody cares -about me now, and it's very nat'ral they shouldn't.' Here the old -lady tossed her head, and smoothed down her lavender-coloured -silk dress with trembling hands. -'Come, come, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I can't let you cut -an old friend in this way. I have come down expressly to have a -long talk, and another rubber with you; and we'll show these -boys and girls how to dance a minuet, before they're eight-and- -forty hours older.' - -The old lady was rapidly giving way, but she did not like to do -it all at once; so she only said, 'Ah! I can't hear him!' - -'Nonsense, mother,' said Wardle. 'Come, come, don't be -cross, there's a good soul. Recollect Bella; come, you must keep -her spirits up, poor girl.' - -The good old lady heard this, for her lip quivered as her son -said it. But age has its little infirmities of temper, and she was -not quite brought round yet. So, she smoothed down the -lavender-coloured dress again, and turning to Mr. Pickwick -said, 'Ah, Mr. Pickwick, young people was very different, when -I was a girl.' - -'No doubt of that, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'and that's the -reason why I would make much of the few that have any traces -of the old stock'--and saying this, Mr. Pickwick gently pulled -Bella towards him, and bestowing a kiss upon her forehead, -bade her sit down on the little stool at her grandmother's feet. -Whether the expression of her countenance, as it was raised -towards the old lady's face, called up a thought of old times, or -whether the old lady was touched by Mr. Pickwick's affectionate -good-nature, or whatever was the cause, she was fairly melted; -so she threw herself on her granddaughter's neck, and all the -little ill-humour evaporated in a gush of silent tears. - -A happy party they were, that night. Sedate and solemn were -the score of rubbers in which Mr. Pickwick and the old lady -played together; uproarious was the mirth of the round table. -Long after the ladies had retired, did the hot elder wine, well -qualified with brandy and spice, go round, and round, and round -again; and sound was the sleep and pleasant were the dreams -that followed. It is a remarkable fact that those of Mr. Snodgrass -bore constant reference to Emily Wardle; and that the principal -figure in Mr. Winkle's visions was a young lady with black eyes, -and arch smile, and a pair of remarkably nice boots with fur -round the tops. - -Mr. Pickwick was awakened early in the morning, by a hum of -voices and a pattering of feet, sufficient to rouse even the fat boy -from his heavy slumbers. He sat up in bed and listened. The -female servants and female visitors were running constantly to -and fro; and there were such multitudinous demands for hot -water, such repeated outcries for needles and thread, and so -many half-suppressed entreaties of 'Oh, do come and tie me, -there's a dear!' that Mr. Pickwick in his innocence began to -imagine that something dreadful must have occurred--when he -grew more awake, and remembered the wedding. The occasion -being an important one, he dressed himself with peculiar care, -and descended to the breakfast-room. - -There were all the female servants in a bran new uniform of -pink muslin gowns with white bows in their caps, running about -the house in a state of excitement and agitation which it would -be impossible to describe. The old lady was dressed out in a -brocaded gown, which had not seen the light for twenty years, -saving and excepting such truant rays as had stolen through the -chinks in the box in which it had been laid by, during the whole -time. Mr. Trundle was in high feather and spirits, but a little -nervous withal. The hearty old landlord was trying to look very -cheerful and unconcerned, but failing signally in the attempt. -All the girls were in tears and white muslin, except a select two -or three, who were being honoured with a private view of the -bride and bridesmaids, upstairs. All the Pickwickians were in -most blooming array; and there was a terrific roaring on the -grass in front of the house, occasioned by all the men, boys, and -hobbledehoys attached to the farm, each of whom had got a -white bow in his button-hole, and all of whom were cheering -with might and main; being incited thereto, and stimulated -therein by the precept and example of Mr. Samuel Weller, who -had managed to become mighty popular already, and was as -much at home as if he had been born on the land. - -A wedding is a licensed subject to joke upon, but there really -is no great joke in the matter after all;--we speak merely of the -ceremony, and beg it to be distinctly understood that we indulge -in no hidden sarcasm upon a married life. Mixed up with the -pleasure and joy of the occasion, are the many regrets at quitting -home, the tears of parting between parent and child, the -consciousness of leaving the dearest and kindest friends of the -happiest portion of human life, to encounter its cares and troubles -with others still untried and little known--natural feelings which -we would not render this chapter mournful by describing, and -which we should be still more unwilling to be supposed to ridicule. - -Let us briefly say, then, that the ceremony was performed by -the old clergyman, in the parish church of Dingley Dell, and -that Mr. Pickwick's name is attached to the register, still preserved -in the vestry thereof; that the young lady with the black -eyes signed her name in a very unsteady and tremulous manner; -that Emily's signature, as the other bridesmaid, is nearly -illegible; that it all went off in very admirable style; that the -young ladies generally thought it far less shocking than they had -expected; and that although the owner of the black eyes and the -arch smile informed Mr. Wardle that she was sure she could -never submit to anything so dreadful, we have the very best -reasons for thinking she was mistaken. To all this, we may add, -that Mr. Pickwick was the first who saluted the bride, and that -in so doing he threw over her neck a rich gold watch and chain, -which no mortal eyes but the jeweller's had ever beheld before. -Then, the old church bell rang as gaily as it could, and they all -returned to breakfast. -'Vere does the mince-pies go, young opium-eater?' said Mr. -Weller to the fat boy, as he assisted in laying out such articles -of consumption as had not been duly arranged on the previous night. - -The fat boy pointed to the destination of the pies. - -'Wery good,' said Sam, 'stick a bit o' Christmas in 'em. -T'other dish opposite. There; now we look compact and comfortable, -as the father said ven he cut his little boy's head off, to -cure him o' squintin'.' - -As Mr. Weller made the comparison, he fell back a step or -two, to give full effect to it, and surveyed the preparations with -the utmost satisfaction. - -'Wardle,' said Mr. Pickwick, almost as soon as they were all -seated, 'a glass of wine in honour of this happy occasion!' - -'I shall be delighted, my boy,' said Wardle. 'Joe--damn that -boy, he's gone to sleep.' -'No, I ain't, sir,' replied the fat boy, starting up from a remote -corner, where, like the patron saint of fat boys--the immortal -Horner--he had been devouring a Christmas pie, though not -with the coolness and deliberation which characterised that -young gentleman's proceedings. - -'Fill Mr. Pickwick's glass.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -The fat boy filled Mr. Pickwick's glass, and then retired -behind his master's chair, from whence he watched the play of -the knives and forks, and the progress of the choice morsels -from the dishes to the mouths of the company, with a kind of -dark and gloomy joy that was most impressive. - -'God bless you, old fellow!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Same to you, my boy,' replied Wardle; and they pledged each -other, heartily. - -'Mrs. Wardle,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'we old folks must have a -glass of wine together, in honour of this joyful event.' - -The old lady was in a state of great grandeur just then, for she -was sitting at the top of the table in the brocaded gown, with -her newly-married granddaughter on one side, and Mr. Pickwick -on the other, to do the carving. Mr. Pickwick had not spoken in -a very loud tone, but she understood him at once, and drank off -a full glass of wine to his long life and happiness; after which the -worthy old soul launched forth into a minute and particular -account of her own wedding, with a dissertation on the fashion -of wearing high-heeled shoes, and some particulars concerning -the life and adventures of the beautiful Lady Tollimglower, -deceased; at all of which the old lady herself laughed very -heartily indeed, and so did the young ladies too, for they were -wondering among themselves what on earth grandma was -talking about. When they laughed, the old lady laughed ten -times more heartily, and said that these always had been considered -capital stories, which caused them all to laugh again, and put -the old lady into the very best of humours. Then the -cake was cut, and passed through the ring; the young ladies -saved pieces to put under their pillows to dream of their future -husbands on; and a great deal of blushing and merriment was -thereby occasioned. - -'Mr. Miller,' said Mr. Pickwick to his old acquaintance, the -hard-headed gentleman, 'a glass of wine?' - -'With great satisfaction, Mr. Pickwick,' replied the hard- -headed gentleman solemnly. - -'You'll take me in?' said the benevolent old clergyman. - -'And me,' interposed his wife. -'And me, and me,' said a couple of poor relations at the -bottom of the table, who had eaten and drunk very heartily, and -laughed at everything. - -Mr. Pickwick expressed his heartfelt delight at every additional -suggestion; and his eyes beamed with hilarity and cheerfulness. -'Ladies and gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick, suddenly rising. - -'Hear, hear! Hear, hear! Hear, hear!' cried Mr. Weller, in the -excitement of his feelings. - -'Call in all the servants,' cried old Wardle, interposing to -prevent the public rebuke which Mr. Weller would otherwise -most indubitably have received from his master. 'Give them a -glass of wine each to drink the toast in. Now, Pickwick.' - -Amidst the silence of the company, the whispering of the -women-servants, and the awkward embarrassment of the men, -Mr. Pickwick proceeded-- - -'Ladies and gentlemen--no, I won't say ladies and gentlemen, -I'll call you my friends, my dear friends, if the ladies will allow -me to take so great a liberty--' - -Here Mr. Pickwick was interrupted by immense applause from -the ladies, echoed by the gentlemen, during which the owner of -the eyes was distinctly heard to state that she could kiss that dear -Mr. Pickwick. Whereupon Mr. Winkle gallantly inquired if it -couldn't be done by deputy: to which the young lady with the -black eyes replied 'Go away,' and accompanied the request with -a look which said as plainly as a look could do, 'if you can.' - -'My dear friends,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'I am going to -propose the health of the bride and bridegroom--God bless 'em -(cheers and tears). My young friend, Trundle, I believe to be a -very excellent and manly fellow; and his wife I know to be a very -amiable and lovely girl, well qualified to transfer to another -sphere of action the happiness which for twenty years she has -diffused around her, in her father's house. (Here, the fat boy -burst forth into stentorian blubberings, and was led forth by the -coat collar, by Mr. Weller.) I wish,' added Mr. Pickwick--'I -wish I was young enough to be her sister's husband (cheers), -but, failing that, I am happy to be old enough to be her father; -for, being so, I shall not be suspected of any latent designs when -I say, that I admire, esteem, and love them both (cheers and -sobs). The bride's father, our good friend there, is a noble -person, and I am proud to know him (great uproar). He is a kind, -excellent, independent-spirited, fine-hearted, hospitable, liberal -man (enthusiastic shouts from the poor relations, at all the -adjectives; and especially at the two last). That his daughter -may enjoy all the happiness, even he can desire; and that he may -derive from the contemplation of her felicity all the gratification -of heart and peace of mind which he so well deserves, is, I am -persuaded, our united wish. So, let us drink their healths, and -wish them prolonged life, and every blessing!' - -Mr. Pickwick concluded amidst a whirlwind of applause; and -once more were the lungs of the supernumeraries, under Mr. -Weller's command, brought into active and efficient operation. -Mr. Wardle proposed Mr. Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick proposed the -old lady. Mr. Snodgrass proposed Mr. Wardle; Mr. Wardle -proposed Mr. Snodgrass. One of the poor relations proposed -Mr. Tupman, and the other poor relation proposed Mr. Winkle; -all was happiness and festivity, until the mysterious disappearance -of both the poor relations beneath the table, warned the party -that it was time to adjourn. - -At dinner they met again, after a five-and-twenty mile walk, -undertaken by the males at Wardle's recommendation, to get rid -of the effects of the wine at breakfast. The poor relations had -kept in bed all day, with the view of attaining the same happy -consummation, but, as they had been unsuccessful, they stopped -there. Mr. Weller kept the domestics in a state of perpetual -hilarity; and the fat boy divided his time into small alternate -allotments of eating and sleeping. - -The dinner was as hearty an affair as the breakfast, and was -quite as noisy, without the tears. Then came the dessert and some -more toasts. Then came the tea and coffee; and then, the ball. - -The best sitting-room at Manor Farm was a good, long, dark- -panelled room with a high chimney-piece, and a capacious -chimney, up which you could have driven one of the new patent -cabs, wheels and all. At the upper end of the room, seated in a -shady bower of holly and evergreens were the two best fiddlers, -and the only harp, in all Muggleton. In all sorts of recesses, and -on all kinds of brackets, stood massive old silver candlesticks -with four branches each. The carpet was up, the candles burned -bright, the fire blazed and crackled on the hearth, and merry -voices and light-hearted laughter rang through the room. If any -of the old English yeomen had turned into fairies when they -died, it was just the place in which they would have held their revels. - -If anything could have added to the interest of this agreeable -scene, it would have been the remarkable fact of Mr. Pickwick's -appearing without his gaiters, for the first time within the -memory of his oldest friends. - -'You mean to dance?' said Wardle. - -'Of course I do,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Don't you see I am -dressed for the purpose?' Mr. Pickwick called attention to his -speckled silk stockings, and smartly tied pumps. - -'YOU in silk stockings!' exclaimed Mr. Tupman jocosely. - -'And why not, sir--why not?' said Mr. Pickwick, turning -warmly upon him. -'Oh, of course there is no reason why you shouldn't wear -them,' responded Mr. Tupman. - -'I imagine not, sir--I imagine not,' said Mr. Pickwick, in a -very peremptory tone. - -Mr. Tupman had contemplated a laugh, but he found it was -a serious matter; so he looked grave, and said they were a -pretty pattern. - -'I hope they are,' said Mr. Pickwick, fixing his eyes upon his -friend. 'You see nothing extraordinary in the stockings, AS -stockings, I trust, Sir?' - -'Certainly not. Oh, certainly not,' replied Mr. Tupman. He -walked away; and Mr. Pickwick's countenance resumed its -customary benign expression. - -'We are all ready, I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick, who was -stationed with the old lady at the top of the dance, and had -already made four false starts, in his excessive anxiety to commence. - -'Then begin at once,' said Wardle. 'Now!' - -Up struck the two fiddles and the one harp, and off went -Mr. Pickwick into hands across, when there was a general -clapping of hands, and a cry of 'Stop, stop!' - -'What's the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick, who was only brought -to, by the fiddles and harp desisting, and could have been stopped -by no other earthly power, if the house had been on fire. -'Where's Arabella Allen?' cried a dozen voices. - -'And Winkle?'added Mr. Tupman. - -'Here we are!' exclaimed that gentleman, emerging with his -pretty companion from the corner; as he did so, it would have -been hard to tell which was the redder in the face, he or the -young lady with the black eyes. - -'What an extraordinary thing it is, Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick, -rather pettishly, 'that you couldn't have taken your place before.' - -'Not at all extraordinary,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a very expressive smile, as his -eyes rested on Arabella, 'well, I don't know that it WAS -extraordinary, either, after all.' - -However, there was no time to think more about the matter, -for the fiddles and harp began in real earnest. Away went Mr. -Pickwick--hands across--down the middle to the very end of the -room, and half-way up the chimney, back again to the door-- -poussette everywhere--loud stamp on the ground--ready for the -next couple--off again--all the figure over once more--another -stamp to beat out the time--next couple, and the next, and the -next again--never was such going; at last, after they had reached -the bottom of the dance, and full fourteen couple after the old -lady had retired in an exhausted state, and the clergyman's wife -had been substituted in her stead, did that gentleman, when there -was no demand whatever on his exertions, keep perpetually -dancing in his place, to keep time to the music, smiling on his -partner all the while with a blandness of demeanour which -baffles all description. - -Long before Mr. Pickwick was weary of dancing, the newly- -married couple had retired from the scene. There was a glorious -supper downstairs, notwithstanding, and a good long sitting -after it; and when Mr. Pickwick awoke, late the next morning, -he had a confused recollection of having, severally and -confidentially, invited somewhere about five-and-forty people to dine -with him at the George and Vulture, the very first time they came -to London; which Mr. Pickwick rightly considered a pretty -certain indication of his having taken something besides exercise, -on the previous night. - -'And so your family has games in the kitchen to-night, my -dear, has they?' inquired Sam of Emma. - -'Yes, Mr. Weller,' replied Emma; 'we always have on Christmas -Eve. Master wouldn't neglect to keep it up on any account.' - -'Your master's a wery pretty notion of keeping anythin' up, -my dear,' said Mr. Weller; 'I never see such a sensible sort of -man as he is, or such a reg'lar gen'l'm'n.' -'Oh, that he is!' said the fat boy, joining in the conversation; -'don't he breed nice pork!' The fat youth gave a semi-cannibalic -leer at Mr. Weller, as he thought of the roast legs and gravy. - -'Oh, you've woke up, at last, have you?' said Sam. - -The fat boy nodded. - -'I'll tell you what it is, young boa-constructer,' said Mr. Weller -impressively; 'if you don't sleep a little less, and exercise a little -more, wen you comes to be a man you'll lay yourself open to the -same sort of personal inconwenience as was inflicted on the old -gen'l'm'n as wore the pigtail.' - -'What did they do to him?' inquired the fat boy, in a faltering voice. - -'I'm a-going to tell you,' replied Mr. Weller; 'he was one o' the -largest patterns as was ever turned out--reg'lar fat man, as -hadn't caught a glimpse of his own shoes for five-and-forty year.' - -'Lor!' exclaimed Emma. - -'No, that he hadn't, my dear,' said Mr. Weller; 'and if you'd -put an exact model of his own legs on the dinin'-table afore him, -he wouldn't ha' known 'em. Well, he always walks to his office -with a wery handsome gold watch-chain hanging out, about a -foot and a quarter, and a gold watch in his fob pocket as was -worth--I'm afraid to say how much, but as much as a watch can -be--a large, heavy, round manufacter, as stout for a watch, as -he was for a man, and with a big face in proportion. "You'd -better not carry that 'ere watch," says the old gen'l'm'n's friends, -"you'll be robbed on it," says they. "Shall I?" says he. "Yes, you -will," says they. "Well," says he, "I should like to see the thief -as could get this here watch out, for I'm blessed if I ever can, it's -such a tight fit," says he, "and wenever I vants to know what's -o'clock, I'm obliged to stare into the bakers' shops," he says. -Well, then he laughs as hearty as if he was a-goin' to pieces, and -out he walks agin with his powdered head and pigtail, and -rolls down the Strand with the chain hangin' out furder than -ever, and the great round watch almost bustin' through his gray -kersey smalls. There warn't a pickpocket in all London as didn't -take a pull at that chain, but the chain 'ud never break, and the -watch 'ud never come out, so they soon got tired of dragging -such a heavy old gen'l'm'n along the pavement, and he'd go -home and laugh till the pigtail wibrated like the penderlum of a -Dutch clock. At last, one day the old gen'l'm'n was a-rollin' -along, and he sees a pickpocket as he know'd by sight, a-coming -up, arm in arm with a little boy with a wery large head. "Here's -a game," says the old gen'l'm'n to himself, "they're a-goin' to -have another try, but it won't do!" So he begins a-chucklin' -wery hearty, wen, all of a sudden, the little boy leaves hold of the -pickpocket's arm, and rushes head foremost straight into the old -gen'l'm'n's stomach, and for a moment doubles him right up -with the pain. "Murder!" says the old gen'l'm'n. "All right, Sir," -says the pickpocket, a-wisperin' in his ear. And wen he come -straight agin, the watch and chain was gone, and what's worse -than that, the old gen'l'm'n's digestion was all wrong ever afterwards, -to the wery last day of his life; so just you look about you, -young feller, and take care you don't get too fat.' - -As Mr. Weller concluded this moral tale, with which the fat -boy appeared much affected, they all three repaired to the large -kitchen, in which the family were by this time assembled, -according to annual custom on Christmas Eve, observed by old -Wardle's forefathers from time immemorial. - -From the centre of the ceiling of this kitchen, old Wardle had -just suspended, with his own hands, a huge branch of mistletoe, -and this same branch of mistletoe instantaneously gave rise to a -scene of general and most delightful struggling and confusion; in -the midst of which, Mr. Pickwick, with a gallantry that would -have done honour to a descendant of Lady Tollimglower herself, -took the old lady by the hand, led her beneath the mystic -branch, and saluted her in all courtesy and decorum. The old lady -submitted to this piece of practical politeness with all the dignity -which befitted so important and serious a solemnity, but the -younger ladies, not being so thoroughly imbued with a superstitious -veneration for the custom, or imagining that the value of -a salute is very much enhanced if it cost a little trouble to obtain -it, screamed and struggled, and ran into corners, and threatened -and remonstrated, and did everything but leave the room, until -some of the less adventurous gentlemen were on the point of -desisting, when they all at once found it useless to resist any -longer, and submitted to be kissed with a good grace. Mr. Winkle -kissed the young lady with the black eyes, and Mr. Snodgrass -kissed Emily; and Mr. Weller, not being particular about the -form of being under the mistletoe, kissed Emma and the other -female servants, just as he caught them. As to the poor relations, -they kissed everybody, not even excepting the plainer portions of -the young lady visitors, who, in their excessive confusion, ran -right under the mistletoe, as soon as it was hung up, without -knowing it! Wardle stood with his back to the fire, surveying the -whole scene, with the utmost satisfaction; and the fat boy took -the opportunity of appropriating to his own use, and summarily -devouring, a particularly fine mince-pie, that had been carefully -put by, for somebody else. - -Now, the screaming had subsided, and faces were in a glow, -and curls in a tangle, and Mr. Pickwick, after kissing the old lady -as before mentioned, was standing under the mistletoe, looking -with a very pleased countenance on all that was passing around -him, when the young lady with the black eyes, after a little -whispering with the other young ladies, made a sudden dart -forward, and, putting her arm round Mr. Pickwick's neck, -saluted him affectionately on the left cheek; and before Mr. -Pickwick distinctly knew what was the matter, he was surrounded -by the whole body, and kissed by every one of them. - -It was a pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick in the centre of the -group, now pulled this way, and then that, and first kissed on -the chin, and then on the nose, and then on the spectacles, and to -hear the peals of laughter which were raised on every side; but -it was a still more pleasant thing to see Mr. Pickwick, blinded -shortly afterwards with a silk handkerchief, falling up against the -wall, and scrambling into corners, and going through all the -mysteries of blind-man's buff, with the utmost relish for the -game, until at last he caught one of the poor relations, and then -had to evade the blind-man himself, which he did with a nimbleness -and agility that elicited the admiration and applause of all -beholders. The poor relations caught the people who they -thought would like it, and, when the game flagged, got caught -themselves. When they all tired of blind-man's buff, there was a -great game at snap-dragon, and when fingers enough were -burned with that, and all the raisins were gone, they sat down by -the huge fire of blazing logs to a substantial supper, and a mighty -bowl of wassail, something smaller than an ordinary wash- -house copper, in which the hot apples were hissing and bubbling -with a rich look, and a jolly sound, that were perfectly irresistible. - -'This,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round him, 'this is, -indeed, comfort.' -'Our invariable custom,' replied Mr. Wardle. 'Everybody sits -down with us on Christmas Eve, as you see them now--servants -and all; and here we wait, until the clock strikes twelve, to usher -Christmas in, and beguile the time with forfeits and old stories. -Trundle, my boy, rake up the fire.' - -Up flew the bright sparks in myriads as the logs were stirred. -The deep red blaze sent forth a rich glow, that penetrated into -the farthest corner of the room, and cast its cheerful tint on -every face. - -'Come,' said Wardle, 'a song--a Christmas song! I'll give you -one, in default of a better.' - -'Bravo!' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fill up,' cried Wardle. 'It will be two hours, good, before you -see the bottom of the bowl through the deep rich colour of the -wassail; fill up all round, and now for the song.' - -Thus saying, the merry old gentleman, in a good, round, -sturdy voice, commenced without more ado-- - - -A CHRISTMAS CAROL - -'I care not for Spring; on his fickle wing -Let the blossoms and buds be borne; -He woos them amain with his treacherous rain, -And he scatters them ere the morn. -An inconstant elf, he knows not himself, -Nor his own changing mind an hour, -He'll smile in your face, and, with wry grimace, -He'll wither your youngest flower. - -'Let the Summer sun to his bright home run, -He shall never be sought by me; -When he's dimmed by a cloud I can laugh aloud -And care not how sulky he be! -For his darling child is the madness wild -That sports in fierce fever's train; -And when love is too strong, it don't last long, -As many have found to their pain. - -'A mild harvest night, by the tranquil light -Of the modest and gentle moon, -Has a far sweeter sheen for me, I ween, -Than the broad and unblushing noon. -But every leaf awakens my grief, -As it lieth beneath the tree; -So let Autumn air be never so fair, -It by no means agrees with me. - -'But my song I troll out, for CHRISTMAS Stout, -The hearty, the true, and the bold; -A bumper I drain, and with might and main -Give three cheers for this Christmas old! -We'll usher him in with a merry din -That shall gladden his joyous heart, -And we'll keep him up, while there's bite or sup, -And in fellowship good, we'll part. -'In his fine honest pride, he scorns to hide -One jot of his hard-weather scars; -They're no disgrace, for there's much the same trace -On the cheeks of our bravest tars. -Then again I sing till the roof doth ring -And it echoes from wall to wall-- -To the stout old wight, fair welcome to-night, -As the King of the Seasons all!' - - -This song was tumultuously applauded--for friends and -dependents make a capital audience--and the poor relations, -especially, were in perfect ecstasies of rapture. Again was the fire -replenished, and again went the wassail round. - -'How it snows!' said one of the men, in a low tone. - -'Snows, does it?' said Wardle. - -'Rough, cold night, Sir,' replied the man; 'and there's a wind -got up, that drifts it across the fields, in a thick white cloud.' - -'What does Jem say?' inquired the old lady. 'There ain't -anything the matter, is there?' - -'No, no, mother,' replied Wardle; 'he says there's a snowdrift, -and a wind that's piercing cold. I should know that, by the way -it rumbles in the chimney.' - -'Ah!' said the old lady, 'there was just such a wind, and just -such a fall of snow, a good many years back, I recollect--just five -years before your poor father died. It was a Christmas Eve, -too; and I remember that on that very night he told us the story -about the goblins that carried away old Gabriel Grub.' - -'The story about what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, nothing, nothing,' replied Wardle. 'About an old sexton, -that the good people down here suppose to have been carried -away by goblins.' - -'Suppose!' ejaculated the old lady. 'Is there anybody hardy -enough to disbelieve it? Suppose! Haven't you heard ever since -you were a child, that he WAS carried away by the goblins, and -don't you know he was?' - -'Very well, mother, he was, if you like,' said Wardle laughing. -'He WAS carried away by goblins, Pickwick; and there's an end -of the matter.' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'not an end of it, I assure you; for -I must hear how, and why, and all about it.' - -Wardle smiled, as every head was bent forward to hear, and -filling out the wassail with no stinted hand, nodded a health to -Mr. Pickwick, and began as follows-- - -But bless our editorial heart, what a long chapter we have been -betrayed into! We had quite forgotten all such petty restrictions -as chapters, we solemnly declare. So here goes, to give the goblin -a fair start in a new one. A clear stage and no favour for the -goblins, ladies and gentlemen, if you please. - - - -CHAPTER XXIX -THE STORY OF THE GOBLINS WHO STOLE A SEXTON - - -In an old abbey town, down in this part of the country, a long, long -while ago--so long, that the story must be a true one, because our -great-grandfathers implicitly believed it--there officiated as sexton -and grave-digger in the churchyard, one Gabriel Grub. It by no -means follows that because a man is a sexton, and constantly -surrounded by the emblems of mortality, therefore he should be a -morose and melancholy man; your undertakers are the merriest fellows -in the world; and I once had the honour of being on intimate terms -with a mute, who in private life, and off duty, was as comical and -jocose a little fellow as ever chirped out a devil-may-care song, -without a hitch in his memory, or drained off a good stiff glass -without stopping for breath. But notwithstanding these precedents -to the contrary, Gabriel Grub was an ill-conditioned, cross-grained, -surly fellow--a morose and lonely man, who consorted with nobody -but himself, and an old wicker bottle which fitted into his large deep -waistcoat pocket--and who eyed each merry face, as it passed -him by, with such a deep scowl of malice and ill-humour, -as it was difficult to meet without feeling something the worse for. - -'A little before twilight, one Christmas Eve, Gabriel shouldered -his spade, lighted his lantern, and betook himself towards the old -churchyard; for he had got a grave to finish by next morning, -and, feeling very low, he thought it might raise his spirits, -perhaps, if he went on with his work at once. As he went his way, -up the ancient street, he saw the cheerful light of the blazing -fires gleam through the old casements, and heard the loud laugh -and the cheerful shouts of those who were assembled around -them; he marked the bustling preparations for next day's cheer, -and smelled the numerous savoury odours consequent thereupon, -as they steamed up from the kitchen windows in clouds. All this -was gall and wormwood to the heart of Gabriel Grub; and -when groups of children bounded out of the houses, tripped -across the road, and were met, before they could knock at the -opposite door, by half a dozen curly-headed little rascals who -crowded round them as they flocked upstairs to spend the -evening in their Christmas games, Gabriel smiled grimly, and -clutched the handle of his spade with a firmer grasp, as he -thought of measles, scarlet fever, thrush, whooping-cough, and -a good many other sources of consolation besides. - -'In this happy frame of mind, Gabriel strode along, returning -a short, sullen growl to the good-humoured greetings of such of -his neighbours as now and then passed him, until he turned into -the dark lane which led to the churchyard. Now, Gabriel had -been looking forward to reaching the dark lane, because it was, -generally speaking, a nice, gloomy, mournful place, into which -the townspeople did not much care to go, except in broad -daylight, and when the sun was shining; consequently, he was -not a little indignant to hear a young urchin roaring out -some jolly song about a merry Christmas, in this very sanctuary -which had been called Coffin Lane ever since the days of the old -abbey, and the time of the shaven-headed monks. As Gabriel -walked on, and the voice drew nearer, he found it proceeded -from a small boy, who was hurrying along, to join one of the -little parties in the old street, and who, partly to keep himself -company, and partly to prepare himself for the occasion, was -shouting out the song at the highest pitch of his lungs. So Gabriel -waited until the boy came up, and then dodged him into a corner, -and rapped him over the head with his lantern five or six times, -just to teach him to modulate his voice. And as the boy hurried -away with his hand to his head, singing quite a different sort of -tune, Gabriel Grub chuckled very heartily to himself, and -entered the churchyard, locking the gate behind him. - -'He took off his coat, set down his lantern, and getting into the -unfinished grave, worked at it for an hour or so with right good- -will. But the earth was hardened with the frost, and it was no -very easy matter to break it up, and shovel it out; and although -there was a moon, it was a very young one, and shed little light -upon the grave, which was in the shadow of the church. At any -other time, these obstacles would have made Gabriel Grub very -moody and miserable, but he was so well pleased with having -stopped the small boy's singing, that he took little heed of the -scanty progress he had made, and looked down into the grave, -when he had finished work for the night, with grim satisfaction, -murmuring as he gathered up his things-- - - Brave lodgings for one, brave lodgings for one, - A few feet of cold earth, when life is done; - A stone at the head, a stone at the feet, - A rich, juicy meal for the worms to eat; - Rank grass overhead, and damp clay around, - Brave lodgings for one, these, in holy ground! - -'"Ho! ho!" laughed Gabriel Grub, as he sat himself down on -a flat tombstone which was a favourite resting-place of his, and -drew forth his wicker bottle. "A coffin at Christmas! A Christmas -box! Ho! ho! ho!" - -'"Ho! ho! ho!" repeated a voice which sounded close behind him. - -'Gabriel paused, in some alarm, in the act of raising the wicker -bottle to his lips, and looked round. The bottom of the oldest -grave about him was not more still and quiet than the churchyard -in the pale moonlight. The cold hoar frost glistened on the -tombstones, and sparkled like rows of gems, among the stone -carvings of the old church. The snow lay hard and crisp upon -the ground; and spread over the thickly-strewn mounds of earth, -so white and smooth a cover that it seemed as if corpses lay -there, hidden only by their winding sheets. Not the faintest rustle -broke the profound tranquillity of the solemn scene. Sound itself -appeared to be frozen up, all was so cold and still. - -'"It was the echoes," said Gabriel Grub, raising the bottle to -his lips again. - -'"It was NOT," said a deep voice. - -'Gabriel started up, and stood rooted to the spot with -astonishment and terror; for his eyes rested on a form that made -his blood run cold. - -'Seated on an upright tombstone, close to him, was a strange, -unearthly figure, whom Gabriel felt at once, was no being of this -world. His long, fantastic legs which might have reached the -ground, were cocked up, and crossed after a quaint, fantastic -fashion; his sinewy arms were bare; and his hands rested on his -knees. On his short, round body, he wore a close covering, -ornamented with small slashes; a short cloak dangled at his -back; the collar was cut into curious peaks, which served the -goblin in lieu of ruff or neckerchief; and his shoes curled up at -his toes into long points. On his head, he wore a broad-brimmed -sugar-loaf hat, garnished with a single feather. The hat was -covered with the white frost; and the goblin looked as if he had -sat on the same tombstone very comfortably, for two or three -hundred years. He was sitting perfectly still; his tongue was put -out, as if in derision; and he was grinning at Gabriel Grub with -such a grin as only a goblin could call up. - -'"It was NOT the echoes," said the goblin. - -'Gabriel Grub was paralysed, and could make no reply. - -'"What do you do here on Christmas Eve?" said the goblin sternly. -'"I came to dig a grave, Sir," stammered Gabriel Grub. - -'"What man wanders among graves and churchyards on such -a night as this?" cried the goblin. - -'"Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" screamed a wild chorus of -voices that seemed to fill the churchyard. Gabriel looked fearfully -round--nothing was to be seen. - -'"What have you got in that bottle?" said the goblin. - -'"Hollands, sir," replied the sexton, trembling more than ever; -for he had bought it of the smugglers, and he thought that -perhaps his questioner might be in the excise department of the goblins. - -'"Who drinks Hollands alone, and in a churchyard, on such a -night as this?" said the goblin. - -'"Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" exclaimed the wild voices again. - -'The goblin leered maliciously at the terrified sexton, and then -raising his voice, exclaimed-- - -'"And who, then, is our fair and lawful prize?" - -'To this inquiry the invisible chorus replied, in a strain that -sounded like the voices of many choristers singing to the mighty -swell of the old church organ--a strain that seemed borne to the -sexton's ears upon a wild wind, and to die away as it passed -onward; but the burden of the reply was still the same, "Gabriel -Grub! Gabriel Grub!" - -'The goblin grinned a broader grin than before, as he said, -"Well, Gabriel, what do you say to this?" - -'The sexton gasped for breath. -'"What do you think of this, Gabriel?" said the goblin, -kicking up his feet in the air on either side of the tombstone, and -looking at the turned-up points with as much complacency as if -he had been contemplating the most fashionable pair of -Wellingtons in all Bond Street. - -'"It's--it's--very curious, Sir," replied the sexton, half dead -with fright; "very curious, and very pretty, but I think I'll go -back and finish my work, Sir, if you please." - -'"Work!" said the goblin, "what work?" - -'"The grave, Sir; making the grave," stammered the sexton. - -'"Oh, the grave, eh?" said the goblin; "who makes graves at -a time when all other men are merry, and takes a pleasure in it?" - -'Again the mysterious voices replied, "Gabriel Grub! Gabriel Grub!" - -'"I am afraid my friends want you, Gabriel," said the goblin, -thrusting his tongue farther into his cheek than ever--and a most -astonishing tongue it was--"I'm afraid my friends want you, -Gabriel," said the goblin. - -'"Under favour, Sir," replied the horror-stricken sexton, "I -don't think they can, Sir; they don't know me, Sir; I don't think -the gentlemen have ever seen me, Sir." - -'"Oh, yes, they have," replied the goblin; "we know the man -with the sulky face and grim scowl, that came down the street -to-night, throwing his evil looks at the children, and grasping -his burying-spade the tighter. We know the man who struck the -boy in the envious malice of his heart, because the boy could be -merry, and he could not. We know him, we know him." - -'Here, the goblin gave a loud, shrill laugh, which the echoes -returned twentyfold; and throwing his legs up in the air, stood -upon his head, or rather upon the very point of his sugar-loaf -hat, on the narrow edge of the tombstone, whence he threw a -Somerset with extraordinary agility, right to the sexton's feet, at -which he planted himself in the attitude in which tailors generally -sit upon the shop-board. - -'"I--I--am afraid I must leave you, Sir," said the sexton, -making an effort to move. - -'"Leave us!" said the goblin, "Gabriel Grub going to leave us. -Ho! ho! ho!" - -'As the goblin laughed, the sexton observed, for one instant, a -brilliant illumination within the windows of the church, as if the -whole building were lighted up; it disappeared, the organ pealed -forth a lively air, and whole troops of goblins, the very counterpart -of the first one, poured into the churchyard, and began -playing at leap-frog with the tombstones, never stopping for an -instant to take breath, but "overing" the highest among them, -one after the other, with the most marvellous dexterity. The first -goblin was a most astonishing leaper, and none of the others -could come near him; even in the extremity of his terror the -sexton could not help observing, that while his friends were -content to leap over the common-sized gravestones, the first one -took the family vaults, iron railings and all, with as much ease as -if they had been so many street-posts. - -'At last the game reached to a most exciting pitch; the organ -played quicker and quicker, and the goblins leaped faster and -faster, coiling themselves up, rolling head over heels upon the -ground, and bounding over the tombstones like footballs. The -sexton's brain whirled round with the rapidity of the motion he -beheld, and his legs reeled beneath him, as the spirits flew before -his eyes; when the goblin king, suddenly darting towards him, -laid his hand upon his collar, and sank with him through the earth. - -'When Gabriel Grub had had time to fetch his breath, which -the rapidity of his descent had for the moment taken away, he -found himself in what appeared to be a large cavern, surrounded -on all sides by crowds of goblins, ugly and grim; in the centre of -the room, on an elevated seat, was stationed his friend of the -churchyard; and close behind him stood Gabriel Grub himself, -without power of motion. - -'"Cold to-night," said the king of the goblins, "very cold. A -glass of something warm here!" - -'At this command, half a dozen officious goblins, with a -perpetual smile upon their faces, whom Gabriel Grub imagined -to be courtiers, on that account, hastily disappeared, and presently -returned with a goblet of liquid fire, which they presented to the king. - -'"Ah!" cried the goblin, whose cheeks and throat were transparent, -as he tossed down the flame, "this warms one, indeed! -Bring a bumper of the same, for Mr. Grub." - -'It was in vain for the unfortunate sexton to protest that he -was not in the habit of taking anything warm at night; one of -the goblins held him while another poured the blazing liquid -down his throat; the whole assembly screeched with laughter, -as he coughed and choked, and wiped away the tears which -gushed plentifully from his eyes, after swallowing the burning draught. - -'"And now," said the king, fantastically poking the taper -corner of his sugar-loaf hat into the sexton's eye, and thereby -occasioning him the most exquisite pain; "and now, show the -man of misery and gloom, a few of the pictures from our own -great storehouse!" - -'As the goblin said this, a thick cloud which obscured the -remoter end of the cavern rolled gradually away, and disclosed, -apparently at a great distance, a small and scantily furnished, but -neat and clean apartment. A crowd of little children were -gathered round a bright fire, clinging to their mother's gown, and -gambolling around her chair. The mother occasionally rose, and -drew aside the window-curtain, as if to look for some expected -object; a frugal meal was ready spread upon the table; and an -elbow chair was placed near the fire. A knock was heard at the -door; the mother opened it, and the children crowded round her, -and clapped their hands for joy, as their father entered. He was -wet and weary, and shook the snow from his garments, as the -children crowded round him, and seizing his cloak, hat, stick, -and gloves, with busy zeal, ran with them from the room. Then, -as he sat down to his meal before the fire, the children climbed -about his knee, and the mother sat by his side, and all seemed -happiness and comfort. - -'But a change came upon the view, almost imperceptibly. The -scene was altered to a small bedroom, where the fairest and -youngest child lay dying; the roses had fled from his cheek, and -the light from his eye; and even as the sexton looked upon him -with an interest he had never felt or known before, he died. His -young brothers and sisters crowded round his little bed, and -seized his tiny hand, so cold and heavy; but they shrank back -from its touch, and looked with awe on his infant face; for calm -and tranquil as it was, and sleeping in rest and peace as the -beautiful child seemed to be, they saw that he was dead, and they -knew that he was an angel looking down upon, and blessing -them, from a bright and happy Heaven. - -'Again the light cloud passed across the picture, and again the -subject changed. The father and mother were old and helpless -now, and the number of those about them was diminished more -than half; but content and cheerfulness sat on every face, and -beamed in every eye, as they crowded round the fireside, and told -and listened to old stories of earlier and bygone days. Slowly -and peacefully, the father sank into the grave, and, soon after, -the sharer of all his cares and troubles followed him to a place of -rest. The few who yet survived them, kneeled by their tomb, and -watered the green turf which covered it with their tears; then rose, -and turned away, sadly and mournfully, but not with bitter -cries, or despairing lamentations, for they knew that they should -one day meet again; and once more they mixed with the busy -world, and their content and cheerfulness were restored. The -cloud settled upon the picture, and concealed it from the sexton's view. - -'"What do you think of THAT?" said the goblin, turning his -large face towards Gabriel Grub. - -'Gabriel murmured out something about its being very pretty, -and looked somewhat ashamed, as the goblin bent his fiery eyes -upon him. - -'" You miserable man!" said the goblin, in a tone of excessive -contempt. "You!" He appeared disposed to add more, but -indignation choked his utterance, so he lifted up one of his very -pliable legs, and, flourishing it above his head a little, to insure -his aim, administered a good sound kick to Gabriel Grub; -immediately after which, all the goblins in waiting crowded -round the wretched sexton, and kicked him without mercy, -according to the established and invariable custom of courtiers -upon earth, who kick whom royalty kicks, and hug whom -royalty hugs. - -'"Show him some more!" said the king of the goblins. - -'At these words, the cloud was dispelled, and a rich and -beautiful landscape was disclosed to view--there is just such -another, to this day, within half a mile of the old abbey town. -The sun shone from out the clear blue sky, the water sparkled -beneath his rays, and the trees looked greener, and the flowers -more gay, beneath its cheering influence. The water rippled on -with a pleasant sound, the trees rustled in the light wind that -murmured among their leaves, the birds sang upon the boughs, -and the lark carolled on high her welcome to the morning. Yes, -it was morning; the bright, balmy morning of summer; the -minutest leaf, the smallest blade of grass, was instinct with life. -The ant crept forth to her daily toil, the butterfly fluttered and -basked in the warm rays of the sun; myriads of insects spread -their transparent wings, and revelled in their brief but happy -existence. Man walked forth, elated with the scene; and all was -brightness and splendour. - -'"YOU a miserable man!" said the king of the goblins, in a -more contemptuous tone than before. And again the king of the -goblins gave his leg a flourish; again it descended on the shoulders -of the sexton; and again the attendant goblins imitated the -example of their chief. - -'Many a time the cloud went and came, and many a lesson it -taught to Gabriel Grub, who, although his shoulders smarted -with pain from the frequent applications of the goblins' feet -thereunto, looked on with an interest that nothing could diminish. -He saw that men who worked hard, and earned their scanty -bread with lives of labour, were cheerful and happy; and that to -the most ignorant, the sweet face of Nature was a never-failing -source of cheerfulness and joy. He saw those who had been -delicately nurtured, and tenderly brought up, cheerful under -privations, and superior to suffering, that would have crushed -many of a rougher grain, because they bore within their own -bosoms the materials of happiness, contentment, and peace. He -saw that women, the tenderest and most fragile of all God's -creatures, were the oftenest superior to sorrow, adversity, and -distress; and he saw that it was because they bore, in their own -hearts, an inexhaustible well-spring of affection and devotion. -Above all, he saw that men like himself, who snarled at the mirth -and cheerfulness of others, were the foulest weeds on the fair -surface of the earth; and setting all the good of the world against -the evil, he came to the conclusion that it was a very decent and -respectable sort of world after all. No sooner had he formed it, -than the cloud which had closed over the last picture, seemed to -settle on his senses, and lull him to repose. One by one, the -goblins faded from his sight; and, as the last one disappeared, he -sank to sleep. - -'The day had broken when Gabriel Grub awoke, and found -himself lying at full length on the flat gravestone in the churchyard, -with the wicker bottle lying empty by his side, and his coat, -spade, and lantern, all well whitened by the last night's frost, -scattered on the ground. The stone on which he had first seen -the goblin seated, stood bolt upright before him, and the grave -at which he had worked, the night before, was not far off. At -first, he began to doubt the reality of his adventures, but the -acute pain in his shoulders when he attempted to rise, assured -him that the kicking of the goblins was certainly not ideal. He -was staggered again, by observing no traces of footsteps in the -snow on which the goblins had played at leap-frog with the -gravestones, but he speedily accounted for this circumstance -when he remembered that, being spirits, they would leave no -visible impression behind them. So, Gabriel Grub got on his feet -as well as he could, for the pain in his back; and, brushing -the frost off his coat, put it on, and turned his face towards the town. - -'But he was an altered man, and he could not bear the thought -of returning to a place where his repentance would be scoffed at, -and his reformation disbelieved. He hesitated for a few moments; -and then turned away to wander where he might, and seek his -bread elsewhere. - -'The lantern, the spade, and the wicker bottle were found, that -day, in the churchyard. There were a great many speculations -about the sexton's fate, at first, but it was speedily determined -that he had been carried away by the goblins; and there were not -wanting some very credible witnesses who had distinctly seen -him whisked through the air on the back of a chestnut horse -blind of one eye, with the hind-quarters of a lion, and the tail of a -bear. At length all this was devoutly believed; and the new sexton -used to exhibit to the curious, for a trifling emolument, a good- -sized piece of the church weathercock which had been accidentally -kicked off by the aforesaid horse in his aerial flight, and picked -up by himself in the churchyard, a year or two afterwards. - -'Unfortunately, these stories were somewhat disturbed by the -unlooked-for reappearance of Gabriel Grub himself, some ten -years afterwards, a ragged, contented, rheumatic old man. He -told his story to the clergyman, and also to the mayor; and in -course of time it began to be received as a matter of history, in -which form it has continued down to this very day. The -believers in the weathercock tale, having misplaced their confidence -once, were not easily prevailed upon to part with it -again, so they looked as wise as they could, shrugged their -shoulders, touched their foreheads, and murmured something -about Gabriel Grub having drunk all the Hollands, and then -fallen asleep on the flat tombstone; and they affected to explain -what he supposed he had witnessed in the goblin's cavern, by -saying that he had seen the world, and grown wiser. But this -opinion, which was by no means a popular one at any time, -gradually died off; and be the matter how it may, as Gabriel -Grub was afflicted with rheumatism to the end of his days, this -story has at least one moral, if it teach no better one--and that is, -that if a man turn sulky and drink by himself at Christmas time, -he may make up his mind to be not a bit the better for it: let the -spirits be never so good, or let them be even as many degrees -beyond proof, as those which Gabriel Grub saw in the goblin's cavern.' - - - -CHAPTER XXX -HOW THE PICKWICKIANS MADE AND CULTIVATED THE - ACQUAINTANCE OF A COUPLE OF NICE YOUNG MEN - BELONGING TO ONE OF THE LIBERAL PROFESSIONS; HOW - THEY DISPORTED THEMSELVES ON THE ICE; AND HOW - THEIR VISIT CAME TO A CONCLUSION - - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as that favoured servitor entered -his bed-chamber, with his warm water, on the morning of Christmas -Day, 'still frosty?' - -'Water in the wash-hand basin's a mask o' ice, Sir,' responded Sam. - -'Severe weather, Sam,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Fine time for them as is well wropped up, as the Polar bear said -to himself, ven he was practising his skating,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I shall be down in a quarter of an hour, Sam,' said Mr. -Pickwick, untying his nightcap. - -'Wery good, sir,' replied Sam. 'There's a couple o' sawbones -downstairs.' - -'A couple of what!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sitting up in bed. - -'A couple o' sawbones,' said Sam. - -'What's a sawbones?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, not quite -certain whether it was a live animal, or something to eat. - -'What! Don't you know what a sawbones is, sir?' inquired -Mr. Weller. 'I thought everybody know'd as a sawbones was a surgeon.' - -'Oh, a surgeon, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. - -'Just that, sir,' replied Sam. 'These here ones as is below, -though, ain't reg'lar thoroughbred sawbones; they're only in -trainin'.' -'In other words they're medical students, I suppose?' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam Weller nodded assent. - -'I am glad of it,' said Mr. Pickwick, casting his nightcap -energetically on the counterpane. 'They are fine fellows--very -fine fellows; with judgments matured by observation and -reflection; and tastes refined by reading and study. I am very -glad of it.' - -'They're a-smokin' cigars by the kitchen fire,' said Sam. - -'Ah!' observed Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands, 'overflowing -with kindly feelings and animal spirits. Just what I like -to see.' -'And one on 'em,' said Sam, not noticing his master's interruption, -'one on 'em's got his legs on the table, and is a-drinking -brandy neat, vile the t'other one--him in the barnacles--has got -a barrel o' oysters atween his knees, which he's a-openin' like -steam, and as fast as he eats 'em, he takes a aim vith the shells -at young dropsy, who's a sittin' down fast asleep, in the -chimbley corner.' - -'Eccentricities of genius, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'You -may retire.' - -Sam did retire accordingly. Mr. Pickwick at the expiration of -the quarter of an hour, went down to breakfast. - -'Here he is at last!' said old Mr. Wardle. 'Pickwick, this is -Miss Allen's brother, Mr. Benjamin Allen. Ben we call him, and -so may you, if you like. This gentleman is his very particular -friend, Mr.--' - -'Mr. Bob Sawyer,'interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen; whereupon -Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen laughed in concert. - -Mr. Pickwick bowed to Bob Sawyer, and Bob Sawyer bowed -to Mr. Pickwick. Bob and his very particular friend then applied -themselves most assiduously to the eatables before them; and -Mr. Pickwick had an opportunity of glancing at them both. - -Mr. Benjamin Allen was a coarse, stout, thick-set young man, -with black hair cut rather short, and a white face cut rather long. -He was embellished with spectacles, and wore a white neckerchief. -Below his single-breasted black surtout, which was -buttoned up to his chin, appeared the usual number of pepper- -and-salt coloured legs, terminating in a pair of imperfectly -polished boots. Although his coat was short in the sleeves, it -disclosed no vestige of a linen wristband; and although there was -quite enough of his face to admit of the encroachment of a shirt -collar, it was not graced by the smallest approach to that appendage. -He presented, altogether, rather a mildewy appearance, -and emitted a fragrant odour of full-flavoured Cubas. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was habited in a coarse, blue coat, -which, without being either a greatcoat or a surtout, partook of -the nature and qualities of both, had about him that sort of -slovenly smartness, and swaggering gait, which is peculiar to -young gentlemen who smoke in the streets by day, shout and -scream in the same by night, call waiters by their Christian -names, and do various other acts and deeds of an equally -facetious description. He wore a pair of plaid trousers, -and a large, rough, double-breasted waistcoat; out of doors, he -carried a thick stick with a big top. He eschewed gloves, and -looked, upon the whole, something like a dissipated Robinson Crusoe. - -Such were the two worthies to whom Mr. Pickwick was -introduced, as he took his seat at the breakfast-table on -Christmas morning. - -'Splendid morning, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer slightly nodded his assent to the proposition, -and asked Mr. Benjamin Allen for the mustard. - -'Have you come far this morning, gentlemen?' inquired -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Blue Lion at Muggleton,' briefly responded Mr. Allen. - -'You should have joined us last night,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'So we should,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'but the brandy was too -good to leave in a hurry; wasn't it, Ben?' - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen; 'and the cigars were not -bad, or the pork-chops either; were they, Bob?' - -'Decidedly not,' said Bob. The particular friends resumed their -attack upon the breakfast, more freely than before, as if the -recollection of last night's supper had imparted a new relish to -the meal. - -'Peg away, Bob,' said Mr. Allen, to his companion, encouragingly. - -'So I do,' replied Bob Sawyer. And so, to do him justice, he did. - -'Nothing like dissecting, to give one an appetite,' said Mr. -Bob Sawyer, looking round the table. - -Mr. Pickwick slightly shuddered. - -'By the bye, Bob,' said Mr. Allen, 'have you finished that leg yet?' - -'Nearly,' replied Sawyer, helping himself to half a fowl as he -spoke. 'It's a very muscular one for a child's.' -'Is it?' inquired Mr. Allen carelessly. - -'Very,' said Bob Sawyer, with his mouth full. - -'I've put my name down for an arm at our place,' said Mr. -Allen. 'We're clubbing for a subject, and the list is nearly full, -only we can't get hold of any fellow that wants a head. I wish -you'd take it.' - -'No,' replied 'Bob Sawyer; 'can't afford expensive luxuries.' - -'Nonsense!' said Allen. - -'Can't, indeed,' rejoined Bob Sawyer, 'I wouldn't mind a -brain, but I couldn't stand a whole head.' -'Hush, hush, gentlemen, pray,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I hear the ladies.' - -As Mr. Pickwick spoke, the ladies, gallantly escorted by -Messrs. Snodgrass, Winkle, and Tupman, returned from an -early walk. - -'Why, Ben!' said Arabella, in a tone which expressed more -surprise than pleasure at the sight of her brother. - -'Come to take you home to-morrow,' replied Benjamin. - -Mr. Winkle turned pale. - -'Don't you see Bob Sawyer, Arabella?' inquired Mr. Benjamin -Allen, somewhat reproachfully. Arabella gracefully held out her -hand, in acknowledgment of Bob Sawyer's presence. A thrill of -hatred struck to Mr. Winkle's heart, as Bob Sawyer inflicted on -the proffered hand a perceptible squeeze. - -'Ben, dear!' said Arabella, blushing; 'have--have--you been -introduced to Mr. Winkle?' - -'I have not been, but I shall be very happy to be, Arabella,' -replied her brother gravely. Here Mr. Allen bowed grimly to -Mr. Winkle, while Mr. Winkle and Mr. Bob Sawyer glanced -mutual distrust out of the corners of their eyes. - -The arrival of the two new visitors, and the consequent check -upon Mr. Winkle and the young lady with the fur round her -boots, would in all probability have proved a very unpleasant -interruption to the hilarity of the party, had not the cheerfulness -of Mr. Pickwick, and the good humour of the host, been exerted -to the very utmost for the common weal. Mr. Winkle gradually -insinuated himself into the good graces of Mr. Benjamin Allen, -and even joined in a friendly conversation with Mr. Bob Sawyer; -who, enlivened with the brandy, and the breakfast, and the -talking, gradually ripened into a state of extreme facetiousness, -and related with much glee an agreeable anecdote, about the -removal of a tumour on some gentleman's head, which he -illustrated by means of an oyster-knife and a half-quartern loaf, -to the great edification of the assembled company. Then the -whole train went to church, where Mr. Benjamin Allen fell fast -asleep; while Mr. Bob Sawyer abstracted his thoughts from -worldly matters, by the ingenious process of carving his name on -the seat of the pew, in corpulent letters of four inches long. - -'Now,' said Wardle, after a substantial lunch, with the agreeable -items of strong beer and cherry-brandy, had been done -ample justice to, 'what say you to an hour on the ice? We shall -have plenty of time.' - -'Capital!' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Prime!' ejaculated Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'You skate, of course, Winkle?' said Wardle. - -'Ye-yes; oh, yes,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'I--I--am RATHER out -of practice.' - -'Oh, DO skate, Mr. Winkle,' said Arabella. 'I like to see it so much.' - -'Oh, it is SO graceful,' said another young lady. -A third young lady said it was elegant, and a fourth expressed -her opinion that it was 'swan-like.' - -'I should be very happy, I'm sure,' said Mr. Winkle, reddening; -'but I have no skates.' - -This objection was at once overruled. Trundle had a couple of -pair, and the fat boy announced that there were half a dozen -more downstairs; whereat Mr. Winkle expressed exquisite -delight, and looked exquisitely uncomfortable. - -Old Wardle led the way to a pretty large sheet of ice; and the -fat boy and Mr. Weller, having shovelled and swept away the -snow which had fallen on it during the night, Mr. Bob Sawyer -adjusted his skates with a dexterity which to Mr. Winkle was -perfectly marvellous, and described circles with his left leg, and -cut figures of eight, and inscribed upon the ice, without once -stopping for breath, a great many other pleasant and astonishing -devices, to the excessive satisfaction of Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Tupman, -and the ladies; which reached a pitch of positive enthusiasm, -when old Wardle and Benjamin Allen, assisted by the -aforesaid Bob Sawyer, performed some mystic evolutions, which -they called a reel. - -All this time, Mr. Winkle, with his face and hands blue with -the cold, had been forcing a gimlet into the sole of his feet, and -putting his skates on, with the points behind, and getting the -straps into a very complicated and entangled state, with the -assistance of Mr. Snodgrass, who knew rather less about skates -than a Hindoo. At length, however, with the assistance of Mr. -Weller, the unfortunate skates were firmly screwed and buckled -on, and Mr. Winkle was raised to his feet. - -'Now, then, Sir,' said Sam, in an encouraging tone; 'off vith -you, and show 'em how to do it.' - -'Stop, Sam, stop!' said Mr. Winkle, trembling violently, and -clutching hold of Sam's arms with the grasp of a drowning man. -'How slippery it is, Sam!' - -'Not an uncommon thing upon ice, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. -'Hold up, Sir!' - -This last observation of Mr. Weller's bore reference to a -demonstration Mr. Winkle made at the instant, of a frantic -desire to throw his feet in the air, and dash the back of his head -on the ice. - -'These--these--are very awkward skates; ain't they, Sam?' -inquired Mr. Winkle, staggering. - -'I'm afeerd there's a orkard gen'l'm'n in 'em, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'Now, Winkle,' cried Mr. Pickwick, quite unconscious that -there was anything the matter. 'Come; the ladies are all anxiety.' - -'Yes, yes,' replied Mr. Winkle, with a ghastly smile. 'I'm coming.' - -'Just a-goin' to begin,' said Sam, endeavouring to disengage -himself. 'Now, Sir, start off!' - -'Stop an instant, Sam,' gasped Mr. Winkle, clinging most -affectionately to Mr. Weller. 'I find I've got a couple of coats at -home that I don't want, Sam. You may have them, Sam.' - -'Thank'ee, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Never mind touching your hat, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle hastily. -'You needn't take your hand away to do that. I meant to have -given you five shillings this morning for a Christmas box, Sam. -I'll give it you this afternoon, Sam.' - -'You're wery good, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Just hold me at first, Sam; will you?' said Mr. Winkle. -'There--that's right. I shall soon get in the way of it, Sam. Not -too fast, Sam; not too fast.' - -Mr. Winkle, stooping forward, with his body half doubled up, -was being assisted over the ice by Mr. Weller, in a very singular -and un-swan-like manner, when Mr. Pickwick most innocently -shouted from the opposite bank-- - -'Sam!' - -'Sir?' - -'Here. I want you.' - -'Let go, Sir,' said Sam. 'Don't you hear the governor a-callin'? -Let go, sir.' - -With a violent effort, Mr. Weller disengaged himself from the -grasp of the agonised Pickwickian, and, in so doing, administered -a considerable impetus to the unhappy Mr. Winkle. With an -accuracy which no degree of dexterity or practice could have -insured, that unfortunate gentleman bore swiftly down into the -centre of the reel, at the very moment when Mr. Bob Sawyer was -performing a flourish of unparalleled beauty. Mr. Winkle struck wildly -against him, and with a loud crash they both fell heavily down. -Mr. Pickwick ran to the spot. Bob Sawyer had risen to his feet, -but Mr. Winkle was far too wise to do anything of the kind, in skates. -He was seated on the ice, making spasmodic efforts to smile; but -anguish was depicted on every lineament of his countenance. - -'Are you hurt?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen, with great anxiety. - -'Not much,' said Mr. Winkle, rubbing his back very hard. -'I wish you'd let me bleed you,' said Mr. Benjamin, with great eagerness. - -'No, thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle hurriedly. - -'I really think you had better,' said Allen. - -'Thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'I'd rather not.' - -'What do YOU think, Mr. Pickwick?' inquired Bob Sawyer. - -Mr. Pickwick was excited and indignant. He beckoned to -Mr. Weller, and said in a stern voice, 'Take his skates off.' - -'No; but really I had scarcely begun,' remonstrated Mr. Winkle. - -'Take his skates off,' repeated Mr. Pickwick firmly. - -The command was not to be resisted. Mr. Winkle allowed -Sam to obey it, in silence. - -'Lift him up,' said Mr. Pickwick. Sam assisted him to rise. - -Mr. Pickwick retired a few paces apart from the bystanders; -and, beckoning his friend to approach, fixed a searching look -upon him, and uttered in a low, but distinct and emphatic tone, -these remarkable words-- - -'You're a humbug, sir.' -'A what?' said Mr. Winkle, starting. - -'A humbug, Sir. I will speak plainer, if you wish it. An -impostor, sir.' - -With those words, Mr. Pickwick turned slowly on his heel, and -rejoined his friends. - -While Mr. Pickwick was delivering himself of the sentiment -just recorded, Mr. Weller and the fat boy, having by their joint -endeavours cut out a slide, were exercising themselves thereupon, -in a very masterly and brilliant manner. Sam Weller, in particular, -was displaying that beautiful feat of fancy-sliding which is -currently denominated 'knocking at the cobbler's door,' and -which is achieved by skimming over the ice on one foot, and -occasionally giving a postman's knock upon it with the other. It -was a good long slide, and there was something in the motion -which Mr. Pickwick, who was very cold with standing still, -could not help envying. - -'It looks a nice warm exercise that, doesn't it?' he inquired of -Wardle, when that gentleman was thoroughly out of breath, by -reason of the indefatigable manner in which he had converted his -legs into a pair of compasses, and drawn complicated problems -on the ice. - -'Ah, it does, indeed,' replied Wardle. 'Do you slide?' - -'I used to do so, on the gutters, when I was a boy,' replied -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Try it now,' said Wardle. - -'Oh, do, please, Mr. Pickwick!' cried all the ladies. - -'I should be very happy to afford you any amusement,' replied -Mr. Pickwick, 'but I haven't done such a thing these thirty years.' - -'Pooh! pooh! Nonsense!' said Wardle, dragging off his skates -with the impetuosity which characterised all his proceedings. -'Here; I'll keep you company; come along!' And away went the -good-tempered old fellow down the slide, with a rapidity which -came very close upon Mr. Weller, and beat the fat boy all to nothing. - -Mr. Pickwick paused, considered, pulled off his gloves and put -them in his hat; took two or three short runs, baulked himself as -often, and at last took another run, and went slowly and gravely -down the slide, with his feet about a yard and a quarter apart, -amidst the gratified shouts of all the spectators. - -'Keep the pot a-bilin', Sir!' said Sam; and down went Wardle -again, and then Mr. Pickwick, and then Sam, and then Mr. -Winkle, and then Mr. Bob Sawyer, and then the fat boy, and -then Mr. Snodgrass, following closely upon each other's heels, -and running after each other with as much eagerness as if their -future prospects in life depended on their expedition. - -It was the most intensely interesting thing, to observe the -manner in which Mr. Pickwick performed his share in the -ceremony; to watch the torture of anxiety with which he viewed -the person behind, gaining upon him at the imminent hazard of -tripping him up; to see him gradually expend the painful force -he had put on at first, and turn slowly round on the slide, with his -face towards the point from which he had started; to contemplate -the playful smile which mantled on his face when he had accomplished -the distance, and the eagerness with which he turned -round when he had done so, and ran after his predecessor, his -black gaiters tripping pleasantly through the snow, and his eyes -beaming cheerfulness and gladness through his spectacles. And -when he was knocked down (which happened upon the average -every third round), it was the most invigorating sight that can -possibly be imagined, to behold him gather up his hat, gloves, -and handkerchief, with a glowing countenance, and resume his -station in the rank, with an ardour and enthusiasm that nothing -Could abate. - -The sport was at its height, the sliding was at the quickest, the -laughter was at the loudest, when a sharp smart crack was heard. -There was a quick rush towards the bank, a wild scream from the -ladies, and a shout from Mr. Tupman. A large mass of ice -disappeared; the water bubbled up over it; Mr. Pickwick's hat, -gloves, and handkerchief were floating on the surface; and this -was all of Mr. Pickwick that anybody could see. - -Dismay and anguish were depicted on every countenance; the -males turned pale, and the females fainted; Mr. Snodgrass and -Mr. Winkle grasped each other by the hand, and gazed at the -spot where their leader had gone down, with frenzied eagerness; -while Mr. Tupman, by way of rendering the promptest assistance, -and at the same time conveying to any persons who might be -within hearing, the clearest possible notion of the catastrophe, -ran off across the country at his utmost speed, screaming 'Fire!' -with all his might. - -It was at this moment, when old Wardle and Sam Weller were -approaching the hole with cautious steps, and Mr. Benjamin -Allen was holding a hurried consultation with Mr. Bob Sawyer -on the advisability of bleeding the company generally, as an -improving little bit of professional practice--it was at this very -moment, that a face, head, and shoulders, emerged from beneath the -water, and disclosed the features and spectacles of Mr. Pickwick. - -'Keep yourself up for an instant--for only one instant!' -bawled Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Yes, do; let me implore you--for my sake!' roared Mr. -Winkle, deeply affected. The adjuration was rather unnecessary; -the probability being, that if Mr. Pickwick had declined to keep -himself up for anybody else's sake, it would have occurred to him -that he might as well do so, for his own. - -'Do you feel the bottom there, old fellow?' said Wardle. - -'Yes, certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick, wringing the water from -his head and face, and gasping for breath. 'I fell upon my back. -I couldn't get on my feet at first.' - -The clay upon so much of Mr. Pickwick's coat as was yet -visible, bore testimony to the accuracy of this statement; and as -the fears of the spectators were still further relieved by the fat -boy's suddenly recollecting that the water was nowhere more than -five feet deep, prodigies of valour were performed to get him out. -After a vast quantity of splashing, and cracking, and struggling, -Mr. Pickwick was at length fairly extricated from his unpleasant -position, and once more stood on dry land. - -'Oh, he'll catch his death of cold,' said Emily. - -'Dear old thing!' said Arabella. 'Let me wrap this shawl round -you, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Ah, that's the best thing you can do,' said Wardle; 'and when -you've got it on, run home as fast as your legs can carry you, and -jump into bed directly.' -A dozen shawls were offered on the instant. Three or four of -the thickest having been selected, Mr. Pickwick was wrapped up, -and started off, under the guidance of Mr. Weller; presenting the -singular phenomenon of an elderly gentleman, dripping wet, and -without a hat, with his arms bound down to his sides, skimming -over the ground, without any clearly-defined purpose, at the rate -of six good English miles an hour. - -But Mr. Pickwick cared not for appearances in such an -extreme case, and urged on by Sam Weller, he kept at the very -top of his speed until he reached the door of Manor Farm, where -Mr. Tupman had arrived some five minutes before, and had -frightened the old lady into palpitations of the heart by -impressing her with the unalterable conviction that the kitchen -chimney was on fire--a calamity which always presented itself in -glowing colours to the old lady's mind, when anybody about her -evinced the smallest agitation. - -Mr. Pickwick paused not an instant until he was snug in bed. -Sam Weller lighted a blazing fire in the room, and took up his -dinner; a bowl of punch was carried up afterwards, and a grand -carouse held in honour of his safety. Old Wardle would not hear -of his rising, so they made the bed the chair, and Mr. Pickwick -presided. A second and a third bowl were ordered in; and when -Mr. Pickwick awoke next morning, there was not a symptom of -rheumatism about him; which proves, as Mr. Bob Sawyer very -justly observed, that there is nothing like hot punch in such cases; -and that if ever hot punch did fail to act as a preventive, it was -merely because the patient fell into the vulgar error of not taking -enough of it. - -The jovial party broke up next morning. Breakings-up are -capital things in our school-days, but in after life they are painful -enough. Death, self-interest, and fortune's changes, are every day -breaking up many a happy group, and scattering them far and -wide; and the boys and girls never come back again. We do not -mean to say that it was exactly the case in this particular instance; -all we wish to inform the reader is, that the different members of -the party dispersed to their several homes; that Mr. Pickwick and -his friends once more took their seats on the top of the Muggleton -coach; and that Arabella Allen repaired to her place of destination, -wherever it might have been--we dare say Mr. Winkle -knew, but we confess we don't--under the care and guardianship -of her brother Benjamin, and his most intimate and particular -friend, Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -Before they separated, however, that gentleman and Mr. -Benjamin Allen drew Mr. Pickwick aside with an air of some -mystery; and Mr. Bob Sawyer, thrusting his forefinger between -two of Mr. Pickwick's ribs, and thereby displaying his native -drollery, and his knowledge of the anatomy of the human frame, -at one and the same time, inquired-- - -'I say, old boy, where do you hang out?' -Mr. Pickwick replied that he was at present suspended at the -George and Vulture. - -'I wish you'd come and see me,' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Nothing would give me greater pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'There's my lodgings,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, producing a card. -'Lant Street, Borough; it's near Guy's, and handy for me, you -know. Little distance after you've passed St. George's Church-- -turns out of the High Street on the right hand side the way.' - -'I shall find it,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Come on Thursday fortnight, and bring the other chaps with -you,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer; 'I'm going to have a few medical -fellows that night.' - -Mr. Pickwick expressed the pleasure it would afford him to -meet the medical fellows; and after Mr. Bob Sawyer had -informed him that he meant to be very cosy, and that his friend -Ben was to be one of the party, they shook hands and separated. - -We feel that in this place we lay ourself open to the inquiry -whether Mr. Winkle was whispering, during this brief conversation, -to Arabella Allen; and if so, what he said; and furthermore, -whether Mr. Snodgrass was conversing apart with Emily Wardle; -and if so, what HE said. To this, we reply, that whatever they -might have said to the ladies, they said nothing at all to Mr. -Pickwick or Mr. Tupman for eight-and-twenty miles, and that -they sighed very often, refused ale and brandy, and looked -gloomy. If our observant lady readers can deduce any satisfactory -inferences from these facts, we beg them by all means to do so. - - - -CHAPTER XXXI -WHICH IS ALL ABOUT THE LAW, AND SUNDRY GREAT - AUTHORITIES LEARNED THEREIN - - -Scattered about, in various holes and corners of the Temple, -are certain dark and dirty chambers, in and out of which, -all the morning in vacation, and half the evening too in -term time, there may be seen constantly hurrying with bundles of -papers under their arms, and protruding from their pockets, an -almost uninterrupted succession of lawyers' clerks. There are -several grades of lawyers' clerks. There is the articled clerk, who -has paid a premium, and is an attorney in perspective, who runs a -tailor's bill, receives invitations to parties, knows a family in -Gower Street, and another in Tavistock Square; who goes out -of town every long vacation to see his father, who keeps live -horses innumerable; and who is, in short, the very aristocrat of -clerks. There is the salaried clerk--out of door, or in door, as -the case may be--who devotes the major part of his thirty shillings -a week to his Personal pleasure and adornments, repairs half-price -to the Adelphi Theatre at least three times a week, dissipates -majestically at the cider cellars afterwards, and is a dirty caricature -of the fashion which expired six months ago. There is the middle- -aged copying clerk, with a large family, who is always shabby, -and often drunk. And there are the office lads in their first -surtouts, who feel a befitting contempt for boys at day-schools, -club as they go home at night, for saveloys and porter, and think -there's nothing like 'life.' There are varieties of the genus, too -numerous to recapitulate, but however numerous they may be, -they are all to be seen, at certain regulated business hours, -hurrying to and from the places we have just mentioned. - -These sequestered nooks are the public offices of the legal -profession, where writs are issued, judgments signed, declarations -filed, and numerous other ingenious machines put in motion for -the torture and torment of His Majesty's liege subjects, and the -comfort and emolument of the practitioners of the law. They are, -for the most part, low-roofed, mouldy rooms, where innumerable -rolls of parchment, which have been perspiring in secret for the -last century, send forth an agreeable odour, which is mingled by -day with the scent of the dry-rot, and by night with the various -exhalations which arise from damp cloaks, festering umbrellas, -and the coarsest tallow candles. - -About half-past seven o'clock in the evening, some ten days or -a fortnight after Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned to London, -there hurried into one of these offices, an individual in a brown -coat and brass buttons, whose long hair was scrupulously -twisted round the rim of his napless hat, and whose soiled drab -trousers were so tightly strapped over his Blucher boots, that his -knees threatened every moment to start from their concealment. -He produced from his coat pockets a long and narrow strip of -parchment, on which the presiding functionary impressed an -illegible black stamp. He then drew forth four scraps of paper, of -similar dimensions, each containing a printed copy of the strip -of parchment with blanks for a name; and having filled up the -blanks, put all the five documents in his pocket, and hurried away. - -The man in the brown coat, with the cabalistic documents in -his pocket, was no other than our old acquaintance Mr. Jackson, -of the house of Dodson & Fogg, Freeman's Court, Cornhill. -Instead of returning to the office whence he came, however, he -bent his steps direct to Sun Court, and walking straight into the -George and Vulture, demanded to know whether one Mr. Pickwick -was within. - -'Call Mr. Pickwick's servant, Tom,' said the barmaid of the -George and Vulture. - -'Don't trouble yourself,' said Mr. Jackson. 'I've come on -business. If you'll show me Mr. Pickwick's room I'll step up myself.' - -'What name, Sir?' said the waiter. - -'Jackson,' replied the clerk. - -The waiter stepped upstairs to announce Mr. Jackson; but -Mr. Jackson saved him the trouble by following close at his heels, -and walking into the apartment before he could articulate a syllable. - -Mr. Pickwick had, that day, invited his three friends to dinner; -they were all seated round the fire, drinking their wine, when -Mr. Jackson presented himself, as above described. - -'How de do, sir?' said Mr. Jackson, nodding to Mr. Pickwick. - -That gentleman bowed, and looked somewhat surprised, for -the physiognomy of Mr. Jackson dwelt not in his recollection. - -'I have called from Dodson and Fogg's,' said Mr. Jackson, in -an explanatory tone. - -Mr. Pickwick roused at the name. 'I refer you to my attorney, -Sir; Mr. Perker, of Gray's Inn,' said he. 'Waiter, show this -gentleman out.' - -'Beg your pardon, Mr. Pickwick,' said Jackson, deliberately -depositing his hat on the floor, and drawing from his pocket the -strip of parchment. 'But personal service, by clerk or agent, in -these cases, you know, Mr. Pickwick--nothing like caution, sir, -in all legal forms--eh?' - -Here Mr. Jackson cast his eye on the parchment; and, resting -his hands on the table, and looking round with a winning and -persuasive smile, said, 'Now, come; don't let's have no words -about such a little matter as this. Which of you gentlemen's -name's Snodgrass?' - -At this inquiry, Mr. Snodgrass gave such a very undisguised -and palpable start, that no further reply was needed. - -'Ah! I thought so,' said Mr. Jackson, more affably than before. -'I've a little something to trouble you with, Sir.' - -'Me!'exclaimed Mr. Snodgrass. - -'It's only a subpoena in Bardell and Pickwick on behalf of the -plaintiff,' replied Jackson, singling out one of the slips of paper, -and producing a shilling from his waistcoat pocket. 'It'll come -on, in the settens after Term: fourteenth of Febooary, we expect; -we've marked it a special jury cause, and it's only ten down the -paper. That's yours, Mr. Snodgrass.' As Jackson said this, he -presented the parchment before the eyes of Mr. Snodgrass, and -slipped the paper and the shilling into his hand. - -Mr. Tupman had witnessed this process in silent astonishment, -when Jackson, turning sharply upon him, said-- - -'I think I ain't mistaken when I say your name's Tupman, -am I?' - -Mr. Tupman looked at Mr. Pickwick; but, perceiving no -encouragement in that gentleman's widely-opened eyes to deny -his name, said-- - -'Yes, my name is Tupman, Sir.' - -'And that other gentleman's Mr. Winkle, I think?' said Jackson. -Mr. Winkle faltered out a reply in the affirmative; and both -gentlemen were forthwith invested with a slip of paper, and a -shilling each, by the dexterous Mr. Jackson. - -'Now,' said Jackson, 'I'm afraid you'll think me rather -troublesome, but I want somebody else, if it ain't inconvenient. -I have Samuel Weller's name here, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Send my servant here, waiter,' said Mr. Pickwick. The waiter -retired, considerably astonished, and Mr. Pickwick motioned -Jackson to a seat. - -There was a painful pause, which was at length broken by the -innocent defendant. -'I suppose, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, his indignation rising while he -spoke--'I suppose, Sir, that it is the intention of your employers -to seek to criminate me upon the testimony of my own friends?' - -Mr. Jackson struck his forefinger several times against the left -side of his nose, to intimate that he was not there to disclose the -secrets of the prison house, and playfully rejoined-- - -'Not knowin', can't say.' - -'For what other reason, Sir,' pursued Mr. Pickwick, 'are these -subpoenas served upon them, if not for this?' - -'Very good plant, Mr. Pickwick,' replied Jackson, slowly -shaking his head. 'But it won't do. No harm in trying, but there's -little to be got out of me.' - -Here Mr. Jackson smiled once more upon the company, and, -applying his left thumb to the tip of his nose, worked a visionary -coffee-mill with his right hand, thereby performing a very -graceful piece of pantomime (then much in vogue, but now, -unhappily, almost obsolete) which was familiarly denominated -'taking a grinder.' - -'No, no, Mr. Pickwick,' said Jackson, in conclusion; 'Perker's -people must guess what we've served these subpoenas for. If they -can't, they must wait till the action comes on, and then they'll -find out.' -Mr. Pickwick bestowed a look of excessive disgust on his -unwelcome visitor, and would probably have hurled some -tremendous anathema at the heads of Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, -had not Sam's entrance at the instant interrupted him. - -'Samuel Weller?' said Mr. Jackson, inquiringly. - -'Vun o' the truest things as you've said for many a long year,' -replied Sam, in a most composed manner. - -'Here's a subpoena for you, Mr. Weller,' said Jackson. - -'What's that in English?' inquired Sam. - -'Here's the original,' said Jackson, declining the required -explanation. - -'Which?' said Sam. - -'This,' replied Jackson, shaking the parchment. - -'Oh, that's the 'rig'nal, is it?' said Sam. 'Well, I'm wery glad -I've seen the 'rig'nal, 'cos it's a gratifyin' sort o' thing, and eases -vun's mind so much.' - -'And here's the shilling,' said Jackson. 'It's from Dodson and Fogg's.' - -'And it's uncommon handsome o' Dodson and Fogg, as knows -so little of me, to come down vith a present,' said Sam. 'I feel it -as a wery high compliment, sir; it's a wery honorable thing to -them, as they knows how to reward merit werever they meets it. -Besides which, it's affectin' to one's feelin's.' - -As Mr. Weller said this, he inflicted a little friction on his right -eyelid, with the sleeve of his coat, after the most approved -manner of actors when they are in domestic pathetics. - -Mr. Jackson seemed rather puzzled by Sam's proceedings; but, -as he had served the subpoenas, and had nothing more to say, he -made a feint of putting on the one glove which he usually carried -in his hand, for the sake of appearances; and returned to the -office to report progress. - -Mr. Pickwick slept little that night; his memory had received -a very disagreeable refresher on the subject of Mrs. Bardell's -action. He breakfasted betimes next morning, and, desiring Sam -to accompany him, set forth towards Gray's Inn Square. - -'Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round, when they got to the -end of Cheapside. - -'Sir?' said Sam, stepping up to his master. - -'Which way?' -'Up Newgate Street.' - -Mr. Pickwick did not turn round immediately, but looked -vacantly in Sam's face for a few seconds, and heaved a deep sigh. - -'What's the matter, sir?' inquired Sam. - -'This action, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is expected to come on, -on the fourteenth of next month.' -'Remarkable coincidence that 'ere, sir,' replied Sam. - -'Why remarkable, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Walentine's day, sir,' responded Sam; 'reg'lar good day for a -breach o' promise trial.' - -Mr. Weller's smile awakened no gleam of mirth in his master's -countenance. Mr. Pickwick turned abruptly round, and led the -way in silence. - -They had walked some distance, Mr. Pickwick trotting on -before, plunged in profound meditation, and Sam following -behind, with a countenance expressive of the most enviable and -easy defiance of everything and everybody, when the latter, who -was always especially anxious to impart to his master any -exclusive information he possessed, quickened his pace until he -was close at Mr. Pickwick's heels; and, pointing up at a house -they were passing, said-- - -'Wery nice pork-shop that 'ere, sir.' - -'Yes, it seems so,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Celebrated sassage factory,' said Sam. - -'Is it?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Is it!' reiterated Sam, with some indignation; 'I should rayther -think it was. Why, sir, bless your innocent eyebrows, that's where -the mysterious disappearance of a 'spectable tradesman took -place four years ago.' - -'You don't mean to say he was burked, Sam?' said Mr. -Pickwick, looking hastily round. - -'No, I don't indeed, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I wish I did; far -worse than that. He was the master o' that 'ere shop, sir, and the -inwentor o' the patent-never-leavin'-off sassage steam-ingin, as -'ud swaller up a pavin' stone if you put it too near, and grind it -into sassages as easy as if it was a tender young babby. Wery -proud o' that machine he was, as it was nat'ral he should be, and -he'd stand down in the celler a-lookin' at it wen it was in full -play, till he got quite melancholy with joy. A wery happy man -he'd ha' been, Sir, in the procession o' that 'ere ingin and two -more lovely hinfants besides, if it hadn't been for his wife, who -was a most owdacious wixin. She was always a-follerin' him -about, and dinnin' in his ears, till at last he couldn't stand it no -longer. "I'll tell you what it is, my dear," he says one day; "if you -persewere in this here sort of amusement," he says, "I'm -blessed if I don't go away to 'Merriker; and that's all about it." -"You're a idle willin," says she, "and I wish the 'Merrikins joy of -their bargain." Arter which she keeps on abusin' of him for half -an hour, and then runs into the little parlour behind the shop, -sets to a-screamin', says he'll be the death on her, and falls in a -fit, which lasts for three good hours--one o' them fits wich is all -screamin' and kickin'. Well, next mornin', the husband was -missin'. He hadn't taken nothin' from the till--hadn't even put -on his greatcoat--so it was quite clear he warn't gone to 'Merriker. -Didn't come back next day; didn't come back next week; missis -had bills printed, sayin' that, if he'd come back, he should be -forgiven everythin' (which was very liberal, seein' that he hadn't -done nothin' at all); the canals was dragged, and for two months -arterwards, wenever a body turned up, it was carried, as a reg'lar -thing, straight off to the sassage shop. Hows'ever, none on 'em -answered; so they gave out that he'd run away, and she kep' on -the bis'ness. One Saturday night, a little, thin, old gen'l'm'n -comes into the shop in a great passion and says, "Are you the -missis o' this here shop?" "Yes, I am," says she. "Well, ma'am," -says he, "then I've just looked in to say that me and my family -ain't a-goin' to be choked for nothin'; and more than that, -ma'am," he says, "you'll allow me to observe that as you don't -use the primest parts of the meat in the manafacter o' sassages, -I'd think you'd find beef come nearly as cheap as buttons." "As -buttons, Sir!" says she. "Buttons, ma'am," says the little, old -gentleman, unfolding a bit of paper, and showin' twenty or -thirty halves o' buttons. "Nice seasonin' for sassages, is trousers' -buttons, ma'am." "They're my husband's buttons!" says the -widder beginnin' to faint, "What!" screams the little old -gen'l'm'n, turnin' wery pale. "I see it all," says the widder; "in a -fit of temporary insanity he rashly converted hisself into -sassages!" And so he had, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, looking steadily -into Mr. Pickwick's horror-stricken countenance, 'or else he'd -been draw'd into the ingin; but however that might ha' been, the -little, old gen'l'm'n, who had been remarkably partial to sassages -all his life, rushed out o' the shop in a wild state, and was never -heerd on arterwards!' - -The relation of this affecting incident of private life brought -master and man to Mr. Perker's chambers. Lowten, holding the -door half open, was in conversation with a rustily-clad, miserable- -looking man, in boots without toes and gloves without fingers. -There were traces of privation and suffering--almost of despair ---in his lank and care-worn countenance; he felt his poverty, for -he shrank to the dark side of the staircase as Mr. Pickwick approached. - -'It's very unfortunate,' said the stranger, with a sigh. - -'Very,' said Lowten, scribbling his name on the doorpost with -his pen, and rubbing it out again with the feather. 'Will you -leave a message for him?' - -'When do you think he'll be back?' inquired the stranger. - -'Quite uncertain,' replied Lowten, winking at Mr. Pickwick, as -the stranger cast his eyes towards the ground. - -'You don't think it would be of any use my waiting for him?' - said the stranger, looking wistfully into the office. - -'Oh, no, I'm sure it wouldn't,' replied the clerk, moving a little -more into the centre of the doorway. 'He's certain not to be back -this week, and it's a chance whether he will be next; for when -Perker once gets out of town, he's never in a hurry to come back again.' - -'Out of town!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'dear me, how unfortunate!' - -'Don't go away, Mr. Pickwick,' said Lowten, 'I've got a letter -for you.' The stranger, seeming to hesitate, once more looked -towards the ground, and the clerk winked slyly at Mr. PickwiCK, -as if to intimate that some exquisite piece of humour was going -forward, though what it was Mr. Pickwick could not for the life -of him divine. -'Step in, Mr. Pickwick,' said Lowten. 'Well, will you leave a -message, Mr. Watty, or will you call again?' - -'Ask him to be so kind as to leave out word what has been done -in my business,' said the man; 'for God's sake don't neglect it, -Mr. Lowten.' - -'No, no; I won't forget it,' replied the clerk. 'Walk in, Mr. -Pickwick. Good-morning, Mr. Watty; it's a fine day for walking, -isn't it?' Seeing that the stranger still lingered, he beckoned Sam -Weller to follow his master in, and shut the door in his face. - -'There never was such a pestering bankrupt as that since the -world began, I do believe!' said Lowten, throwing down his pen -with the air of an injured man. 'His affairs haven't been in -Chancery quite four years yet, and I'm d--d if he don't come -worrying here twice a week. Step this way, Mr. Pickwick. Perker -IS in, and he'll see you, I know. Devilish cold,' he added pettishly, -'standing at that door, wasting one's time with such seedy -vagabonds!' Having very vehemently stirred a particularly large -fire with a particularly small poker, the clerk led the way to his -principal's private room, and announced Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, my dear Sir,' said little Mr. Perker, bustling up from his -chair. 'Well, my dear sir, and what's the news about your matter, -eh? Anything more about our friends in Freeman's Court? -They've not been sleeping, I know that. Ah, they're very smart -fellows; very smart, indeed.' - -As the little man concluded, he took an emphatic pinch of -snuff, as a tribute to the smartness of Messrs. Dodson and Fogg. - -'They are great scoundrels,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Aye, aye,' said the little man; 'that's a matter of opinion, you -know, and we won't dispute about terms; because of course you -can't be expected to view these subjects with a professional eye. -Well, we've done everything that's necessary. I have retained -Serjeant Snubbin.' - -'Is he a good man?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Good man!' replied Perker; 'bless your heart and soul, my -dear Sir, Serjeant Snubbin is at the very top of his profession. -Gets treble the business of any man in court--engaged in every -case. You needn't mention it abroad; but we say--we of the -profession--that Serjeant Snubbin leads the court by the nose.' - -The little man took another pinch of snuff as he made this -communication, and nodded mysteriously to Mr. Pickwick. - -'They have subpoenaed my three friends,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah! of course they would,' replied Perker. 'Important -witnesses; saw you in a delicate situation.' - -'But she fainted of her own accord,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'She -threw herself into my arms.' - -'Very likely, my dear Sir,' replied Perker; 'very likely and very -natural. Nothing more so, my dear Sir, nothing. But who's to -prove it?' - -'They have subpoenaed my servant, too,' said Mr. Pickwick, -quitting the other point; for there Mr. Perker's question had -somewhat staggered him. - -'Sam?' said Perker. - -Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative. - -'Of course, my dear Sir; of course. I knew they would. I could -have told you that, a month ago. You know, my dear Sir, if you -WILL take the management of your affairs into your own hands -after entrusting them to your solicitor, you must also take the -consequences.' Here Mr. Perker drew himself up with conscious -dignity, and brushed some stray grains of snuff from his shirt frill. - -'And what do they want him to prove?' asked Mr. Pickwick, -after two or three minutes' silence. - -'That you sent him up to the plaintiff 's to make some offer of -a compromise, I suppose,' replied Perker. 'It don't matter much, -though; I don't think many counsel could get a great deal out -of HIM.' - -'I don't think they could,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling, despite -his vexation, at the idea of Sam's appearance as a witness. 'What -course do we pursue?' - -'We have only one to adopt, my dear Sir,' replied Perker; -'cross-examine the witnesses; trust to Snubbin's eloquence; -throw dust in the eyes of the judge; throw ourselves on the jury.' - -'And suppose the verdict is against me?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Perker smiled, took a very long pinch of snuff, stirred the -fire, shrugged his shoulders, and remained expressively silent. - -'You mean that in that case I must pay the damages?' said -Mr. Pickwick, who had watched this telegraphic answer with -considerable sternness. - -Perker gave the fire another very unnecessary poke, and said, -'I am afraid so.' - -'Then I beg to announce to you my unalterable determination -to pay no damages whatever,' said Mr. Pickwick, most -emphatically. 'None, Perker. Not a pound, not a penny of my -money, shall find its way into the pockets of Dodson and Fogg. -That is my deliberate and irrevocable determination.' Mr. Pickwick -gave a heavy blow on the table before him, in confirmation -of the irrevocability of his intention. - -'Very well, my dear Sir, very well,' said Perker. 'You know best, -of course.' - -'Of course,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Where does Serjeant -Snubbin live?' -'In Lincoln's Inn Old Square,' replied Perker. - -'I should like to see him,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'See Serjeant Snubbin, my dear Sir!' rejoined Perker, in utter -amazement. 'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir, impossible. See Serjeant -Snubbin! Bless you, my dear Sir, such a thing was never heard of, -without a consultation fee being previously paid, and a consultation -fixed. It couldn't be done, my dear Sir; it couldn't be done.' - -Mr. Pickwick, however, had made up his mind not only that -it could be done, but that it should be done; and the consequence -was, that within ten minutes after he had received the assurance -that the thing was impossible, he was conducted by his solicitor -into the outer office of the great Serjeant Snubbin himself. - -It was an uncarpeted room of tolerable dimensions, with a -large writing-table drawn up near the fire, the baize top of which -had long since lost all claim to its original hue of green, and had -gradually grown gray with dust and age, except where all traces -of its natural colour were obliterated by ink-stains. Upon the -table were numerous little bundles of papers tied with red tape; -and behind it, sat an elderly clerk, whose sleek appearance and -heavy gold watch-chain presented imposing indications of the -extensive and lucrative practice of Mr. Serjeant Snubbin. - -'Is the Serjeant in his room, Mr. Mallard?' inquired Perker, -offering his box with all imaginable courtesy. - -'Yes, he is,' was the reply, 'but he's very busy. Look here; not -an opinion given yet, on any one of these cases; and an expedition -fee paid with all of 'em.' The clerk smiled as he said this, and -inhaled the pinch of snuff with a zest which seemed to be compounded -of a fondness for snuff and a relish for fees. - -'Something like practice that,' said Perker. - -'Yes,' said the barrister's clerk, producing his own box, and -offering it with the greatest cordiality; 'and the best of it is, that -as nobody alive except myself can read the serjeant's writing, -they are obliged to wait for the opinions, when he has given -them, till I have copied 'em, ha-ha-ha!' - -'Which makes good for we know who, besides the serjeant, -and draws a little more out of the clients, eh?' said Perker; 'ha, -ha, ha!' At this the serjeant's clerk laughed again--not a noisy -boisterous laugh, but a silent, internal chuckle, which Mr. Pickwick -disliked to hear. When a man bleeds inwardly, it is a dangerous -thing for himself; but when he laughs inwardly, it bodes no -good to other people. - -'You haven't made me out that little list of the fees that I'm in -your debt, have you?' said Perker. - -'No, I have not,' replied the clerk. - -'I wish you would,' said Perker. 'Let me have them, and I'll -send you a cheque. But I suppose you're too busy pocketing the -ready money, to think of the debtors, eh? ha, ha, ha!' This sally -seemed to tickle the clerk amazingly, and he once more enjoyed -a little quiet laugh to himself. - -'But, Mr. Mallard, my dear friend,' said Perker, suddenly -recovering his gravity, and drawing the great man's great man -into a Corner, by the lappel of his coat; 'you must persuade the -Serjeant to see me, and my client here.' - -'Come, come,' said the clerk, 'that's not bad either. See the -Serjeant! come, that's too absurd.' Notwithstanding the absurdity -of the proposal, however, the clerk allowed himself to be -gently drawn beyond the hearing of Mr. Pickwick; and after a -short conversation conducted in whispers, walked softly down a -little dark passage, and disappeared into the legal luminary's -sanctum, whence he shortly returned on tiptoe, and informed -Mr. Perker and Mr. Pickwick that the Serjeant had been prevailed -upon, in violation of all established rules and customs, to admit -them at once. - -Mr. Serjeant Snubbins was a lantern-faced, sallow-complexioned -man, of about five-and-forty, or--as the novels say-- -he might be fifty. He had that dull-looking, boiled eye which is -often to be seen in the heads of people who have applied themselves -during many years to a weary and laborious course of -study; and which would have been sufficient, without the additional -eyeglass which dangled from a broad black riband round -his neck, to warn a stranger that he was very near-sighted. His -hair was thin and weak, which was partly attributable to his -having never devoted much time to its arrangement, and partly to -his having worn for five-and-twenty years the forensic wig which -hung on a block beside him. The marks of hairpowder on his -coat-collar, and the ill-washed and worse tied white neckerchief -round his throat, showed that he had not found leisure since he -left the court to make any alteration in his dress; while the -slovenly style of the remainder of his costume warranted the -inference that his personal appearance would not have been very -much improved if he had. Books of practice, heaps of papers, -and opened letters, were scattered over the table, without any -attempt at order or arrangement; the furniture of the room was -old and rickety; the doors of the book-case were rotting in their -hinges; the dust flew out from the carpet in little clouds at every -step; the blinds were yellow with age and dirt; the state of -everything in the room showed, with a clearness not to be -mistaken, that Mr. Serjeant Snubbin was far too much occupied -with his professional pursuits to take any great heed or regard of -his personal comforts. - -The Serjeant was writing when his clients entered; he bowed -abstractedly when Mr. Pickwick was introduced by his solicitor; -and then, motioning them to a seat, put his pen carefully in the -inkstand, nursed his left leg, and waited to be spoken to. - -'Mr. Pickwick is the defendant in Bardell and Pickwick, -Serjeant Snubbin,' said Perker. - -'I am retained in that, am I?' said the Serjeant. - -'You are, Sir,' replied Perker. - -The Serjeant nodded his head, and waited for something else. - -'Mr. Pickwick was anxious to call upon you, Serjeant -Snubbin,' said Perker, 'to state to you, before you entered upon -the case, that he denies there being any ground or pretence -whatever for the action against him; and that unless he came into -court with clean hands, and without the most conscientious -conviction that he was right in resisting the plaintiff's demand, -he would not be there at all. I believe I state your views correctly; -do I not, my dear Sir?' said the little man, turning to Mr. Pickwick. - -'Quite so,' replied that gentleman. - -Mr. Serjeant Snubbin unfolded his glasses, raised them to his -eyes; and, after looking at Mr. Pickwick for a few seconds with -great curiosity, turned to Mr. Perker, and said, smiling slightly -as he spoke-- -'Has Mr. Pickwick a strong case?' - -The attorney shrugged his shoulders. - -'Do you propose calling witnesses?' - -'No.' - -The smile on the Serjeant's countenance became more defined; -he rocked his leg with increased violence; and, throwing himself -back in his easy-chair, coughed dubiously. - -These tokens of the Serjeant's presentiments on the subject, -slight as they were, were not lost on Mr. Pickwick. He settled the -spectacles, through which he had attentively regarded such -demonstrations of the barrister's feelings as he had permitted -himself to exhibit, more firmly on his nose; and said with great -energy, and in utter disregard of all Mr. Perker's admonitory -winkings and frownings-- - -'My wishing to wait upon you, for such a purpose as this, Sir, -appears, I have no doubt, to a gentleman who sees so much of -these matters as you must necessarily do, a very extraordinary -circumstance.' - -The Serjeant tried to look gravely at the fire, but the smile -came back again. - -'Gentlemen of your profession, Sir,' continued Mr. Pickwick, -'see the worst side of human nature. All its disputes, all its ill-will -and bad blood, rise up before you. You know from your -experience of juries (I mean no disparagement to you, or them) how -much depends upon effect; and you are apt to attribute to others, -a desire to use, for purposes of deception and Self-interest, the -very instruments which you, in pure honesty and honour of -purpose, and with a laudable desire to do your utmost for your -client, know the temper and worth of so well, from constantly -employing them yourselves. I really believe that to this circumstance -may be attributed the vulgar but very general notion of -your being, as a body, suspicious, distrustful, and over-cautious. -Conscious as I am, sir, of the disadvantage of making such a -declaration to you, under such circumstances, I have come here, -because I wish you distinctly to understand, as my friend -Mr. Perker has said, that I am innocent of the falsehood laid to -my charge; and although I am very well aware of the inestimable -value of your assistance, Sir, I must beg to add, that unless you -sincerely believe this, I would rather be deprived of the aid of -your talents than have the advantage of them.' - -Long before the close of this address, which we are bound to -say was of a very prosy character for Mr. Pickwick, the Serjeant -had relapsed into a state of abstraction. After some minutes, -however, during which he had reassumed his pen, he appeared to -be again aware of the presence of his clients; raising his head -from the paper, he said, rather snappishly-- - -'Who is with me in this case?' - -'Mr. Phunky, Serjeant Snubbin,' replied the attorney. - -'Phunky--Phunky,' said the Serjeant, 'I never heard the name -before. He must be a very young man.' - -'Yes, he is a very young man,' replied the attorney. 'He was -only called the other day. Let me see--he has not been at the Bar -eight years yet.' - -'Ah, I thought not,' said the Serjeant, in that sort of pitying -tone in which ordinary folks would speak of a very helpless little -child. 'Mr. Mallard, send round to Mr.--Mr.--' 'Phunky's-- -Holborn Court, Gray's Inn,' interposed Perker. (Holborn Court, -by the bye, is South Square now.) 'Mr. Phunky, and say I should -be glad if he'd step here, a moment.' - -Mr. Mallard departed to execute his commission; and Serjeant -Snubbin relapsed into abstraction until Mr. Phunky himself was -introduced. - -Although an infant barrister, he was a full-grown man. He had -a very nervous manner, and a painful hesitation in his speech; it -did not appear to be a natural defect, but seemed rather the -result of timidity, arising from the consciousness of being 'kept -down' by want of means, or interest, or connection, or impudence, -as the case might be. He was overawed by the Serjeant, and -profoundly courteous to the attorney. - -'I have not had the pleasure of seeing you before, Mr. Phunky,' -said Serjeant Snubbin, with haughty condescension. - -Mr. Phunky bowed. He HAD had the pleasure of seeing the -Serjeant, and of envying him too, with all a poor man's envy, for -eight years and a quarter. - -'You are with me in this case, I understand?' said the Serjeant. - -If Mr. Phunky had been a rich man, he would have instantly -sent for his clerk to remind him; if he had been a wise one, he -would have applied his forefinger to his forehead, and -endeavoured to recollect, whether, in the multiplicity of his -engagements, he had undertaken this one or not; but as he was neither -rich nor wise (in this sense, at all events) he turned red, and bowed. - -'Have you read the papers, Mr. Phunky?' inquired the Serjeant. - -Here again, Mr. Phunky should have professed to have -forgotten all about the merits of the case; but as he had read such -papers as had been laid before him in the course of the action, and -had thought of nothing else, waking or sleeping, throughout the -two months during which he had been retained as Mr. Serjeant -Snubbin's junior, he turned a deeper red and bowed again. - -'This is Mr. Pickwick,' said the Serjeant, waving his pen in the -direction in which that gentleman was standing. - -Mr. Phunky bowed to Mr. Pickwick, with a reverence which a -first client must ever awaken; and again inclined his head towards -his leader. - -'Perhaps you will take Mr. Pickwick away,' said the Serjeant, -'and--and--and--hear anything Mr. Pickwick may wish to -communicate. We shall have a consultation, of course.' With -that hint that he had been interrupted quite long enough, Mr. -Serjeant Snubbin, who had been gradually growing more and -more abstracted, applied his glass to his eyes for an instant, -bowed slightly round, and was once more deeply immersed in the -case before him, which arose out of an interminable lawsuit, -originating in the act of an individual, deceased a century or so -ago, who had stopped up a pathway leading from some place -which nobody ever came from, to some other place which -nobody ever went to. - -Mr. Phunky would not hear of passing through any door until -Mr. Pickwick and his solicitor had passed through before him, so -it was some time before they got into the Square; and when they -did reach it, they walked up and down, and held a long conference, -the result of which was, that it was a very difficult matter -to say how the verdict would go; that nobody could presume to -calculate on the issue of an action; that it was very lucky they had -prevented the other party from getting Serjeant Snubbin; and -other topics of doubt and consolation, common in such a position -of affairs. - -Mr. Weller was then roused by his master from a sweet sleep of -an hour's duration; and, bidding adieu to Lowten, they returned -to the city. - - - -CHAPTER XXXII -DESCRIBES, FAR MORE FULLY THAN THE COURT NEWSMAN - EVER DID, A BACHELOR'S PARTY, GIVEN BY Mr. - BOB SAWYER AT HIS LODGINGS IN THE BOROUGH - - -There is a repose about Lant Street, in the Borough, which -sheds a gentle melancholy upon the soul. There are always a -good many houses to let in the street: it is a by-street too, -and its dulness is soothing. A house in Lant Street would -not come within the denomination of a first-rate residence, -in the strict acceptation of the term; but it is a most desirable -spot nevertheless. If a man wished to abstract himself from the -world--to remove himself from within the reach of temptation-- -to place himself beyond the possibility of any inducement to look -out of the window--we should recommend him by all means go -to Lant Street. - -In this happy retreat are colonised a few clear-starchers, a -sprinkling of journeymen bookbinders, one or two prison agents -for the Insolvent Court, several small housekeepers who are -employed in the Docks, a handful of mantua-makers, and a -seasoning of jobbing tailors. The majority of the inhabitants -either direct their energies to the letting of furnished apartments, -or devote themselves to the healthful and invigorating pursuit of -mangling. The chief features in the still life of the street are -green shutters, lodging-bills, brass door-plates, and bell-handles; -the principal specimens of animated nature, the pot-boy, the -muffin youth, and the baked-potato man. The population is -migratory, usually disappearing on the verge of quarter-day, and -generally by night. His Majesty's revenues are seldom collected -in this happy valley; the rents are dubious; and the water -communication is very frequently cut off. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer embellished one side of the fire, in his first- -floor front, early on the evening for which he had invited Mr. -Pickwick, and Mr. Ben Allen the other. The preparations for the -reception of visitors appeared to be completed. The umbrellas in -the passage had been heaped into the little corner outside the -back-parlour door; the bonnet and shawl of the landlady's -servant had been removed from the bannisters; there were not -more than two pairs of pattens on the street-door mat; and a -kitchen candle, with a very long snuff, burned cheerfully on the -ledge of the staircase window. Mr. Bob Sawyer had himself -purchased the spirits at a wine vaults in High Street, and had -returned home preceding the bearer thereof, to preclude the -possibility of their delivery at the wrong house. The punch was -ready-made in a red pan in the bedroom; a little table, covered -with a green baize cloth, had been borrowed from the parlour, -to play at cards on; and the glasses of the establishment, together -with those which had been borrowed for the occasion from the -public-house, were all drawn up in a tray, which was deposited -on the landing outside the door. - -Notwithstanding the highly satisfactory nature of all these -arrangements, there was a cloud on the countenance of Mr. Bob -Sawyer, as he sat by the fireside. There was a sympathising -expression, too, in the features of Mr. Ben Allen, as he gazed -intently on the coals, and a tone of melancholy in his voice, as he -said, after a long silence-- -'Well, it is unlucky she should have taken it in her head to turn -sour, just on this occasion. She might at least have waited -till to-morrow.' - -'That's her malevolence--that's her malevolence,' returned -Mr. Bob Sawyer vehemently. 'She says that if I can afford to give -a party I ought to be able to pay her confounded "little bill."' -'How long has it been running?' inquired Mr. Ben Allen. A -bill, by the bye, is the most extraordinary locomotive engine that -the genius of man ever produced. It would keep on running -during the longest lifetime, without ever once stopping of its -own accord. - -'Only a quarter, and a month or so,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -Ben Allen coughed hopelessly, and directed a searching look -between the two top bars of the stove. - -'It'll be a deuced unpleasant thing if she takes it into her head -to let out, when those fellows are here, won't it?' said Mr. Ben -Allen at length. - -'Horrible,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'horrible.' -A low tap was heard at the room door. Mr. Bob Sawyer -looked expressively at his friend, and bade the tapper come in; -whereupon a dirty, slipshod girl in black cotton stockings, who -might have passed for the neglected daughter of a superannuated -dustman in very reduced circumstances, thrust in her head, and said-- - -'Please, Mister Sawyer, Missis Raddle wants to speak to you.' - -Before Mr. Bob Sawyer could return any answer, the girl -suddenly disappeared with a jerk, as if somebody had given her -a violent pull behind; this mysterious exit was no sooner -accomplished, than there was another tap at the door--a smart, -pointed tap, which seemed to say, 'Here I am, and in I'm coming.' - -Mr, Bob Sawyer glanced at his friend with a look of abject -apprehension, and once more cried, 'Come in.' - -The permission was not at all necessary, for, before Mr. Bob -Sawyer had uttered the words, a little, fierce woman bounced -into the room, all in a tremble with passion, and pale with rage. - -'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' said the little, fierce woman, trying to -appear very calm, 'if you'll have the kindness to settle that little -bill of mine I'll thank you, because I've got my rent to pay this -afternoon, and my landlord's a-waiting below now.' Here the -little woman rubbed her hands, and looked steadily over Mr. Bob -Sawyer's head, at the wall behind him. - -'I am very sorry to put you to any inconvenience, Mrs. Raddle,' -said Bob Sawyer deferentially, 'but--' - -'Oh, it isn't any inconvenience,' replied the little woman, with -a shrill titter. 'I didn't want it particular before to-day; leastways, -as it has to go to my landlord directly, it was as well for you to -keep it as me. You promised me this afternoon, Mr. Sawyer, and -every gentleman as has ever lived here, has kept his word, Sir, -as of course anybody as calls himself a gentleman does.' -Mrs. Raddle tossed her head, bit her lips, rubbed her hands -harder, and looked at the wall more steadily than ever. It was -plain to see, as Mr. Bob Sawyer remarked in a style of Eastern -allegory on a subsequent occasion, that she was 'getting the -steam up.' - -'I am very sorry, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer, with all -imaginable humility, 'but the fact is, that I have been disappointed -in the City to-day.'--Extraordinary place that City. An astonishing -number of men always ARE getting disappointed there. - -'Well, Mr. Sawyer,' said Mrs. Raddle, planting herself firmly -on a purple cauliflower in the Kidderminster carpet, 'and what's -that to me, Sir?' - -'I--I--have no doubt, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob Sawyer, blinking -this last question, 'that before the middle of next week we shall -be able to set ourselves quite square, and go on, on a better -system, afterwards.' - -This was all Mrs. Raddle wanted. She had bustled up to -the apartment of the unlucky Bob Sawyer, so bent upon going -into a passion, that, in all probability, payment would have -rather disappointed her than otherwise. She was in excellent -order for a little relaxation of the kind, having just exchanged -a few introductory compliments with Mr. R. in the front kitchen. - -'Do you suppose, Mr. Sawyer,' said Mrs. Raddle, elevating her -voice for the information of the neighbours--'do you suppose -that I'm a-going day after day to let a fellar occupy my lodgings -as never thinks of paying his rent, nor even the very money laid -out for the fresh butter and lump sugar that's bought for his -breakfast, and the very milk that's took in, at the street door? -Do you suppose a hard-working and industrious woman as has -lived in this street for twenty year (ten year over the way, and -nine year and three-quarters in this very house) has nothing else -to do but to work herself to death after a parcel of lazy idle -fellars, that are always smoking and drinking, and lounging, -when they ought to be glad to turn their hands to anything that -would help 'em to pay their bills? Do you--' - -'My good soul,' interposed Mr. Benjamin Allen soothingly. - -'Have the goodness to keep your observashuns to yourself, Sir, -I beg,' said Mrs. Raddle, suddenly arresting the rapid torrent of -her speech, and addressing the third party with impressive slowness -and solemnity. 'I am not aweer, Sir, that you have any right -to address your conversation to me. I don't think I let these -apartments to you, Sir.' - -'No, you certainly did not,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Very good, Sir,' responded Mrs. Raddle, with lofty politeness. -'Then p'raps, Sir, you'll confine yourself to breaking the arms and -legs of the poor people in the hospitals, and keep yourself TO -yourself, Sir, or there may be some persons here as will make -you, Sir.' - -'But you are such an unreasonable woman,' remonstrated -Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'I beg your parding, young man,' said Mrs. Raddle, in a cold -perspiration of anger. 'But will you have the goodness just to call -me that again, sir?' - -'I didn't make use of the word in any invidious sense, ma'am,' -replied Mr. Benjamin Allen, growing somewhat uneasy on his -own account. - -'I beg your parding, young man,' demanded Mrs. Raddle, in a -louder and more imperative tone. 'But who do you call a woman? -Did you make that remark to me, sir?' - -'Why, bless my heart!' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Did you apply that name to me, I ask of you, sir?' interrupted -Mrs. Raddle, with intense fierceness, throwing the door wide open. - -'Why, of course I did,' replied Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Yes, of course you did,' said Mrs. Raddle, backing gradually -to the door, and raising her voice to its loudest pitch, for the -special behoof of Mr. Raddle in the kitchen. 'Yes, of course you -did! And everybody knows that they may safely insult me in my -own 'ouse while my husband sits sleeping downstairs, and taking -no more notice than if I was a dog in the streets. He ought to be -ashamed of himself (here Mrs. Raddle sobbed) to allow his wife -to be treated in this way by a parcel of young cutters and carvers -of live people's bodies, that disgraces the lodgings (another sob), -and leaving her exposed to all manner of abuse; a base, faint- -hearted, timorous wretch, that's afraid to come upstairs, and -face the ruffinly creatures--that's afraid--that's afraid to come!' -Mrs. Raddle paused to listen whether the repetition of the taunt -had roused her better half; and finding that it had not been -successful, proceeded to descend the stairs with sobs innumerable; -when there came a loud double knock at the street door; -whereupon she burst into an hysterical fit of weeping, accompanied -with dismal moans, which was prolonged until the knock -had been repeated six times, when, in an uncontrollable burst of -mental agony, she threw down all the umbrellas, and disappeared -into the back parlour, closing the door after her with an awful crash. - -'Does Mr. Sawyer live here?' said Mr. Pickwick, when the door -was opened. - -'Yes,' said the girl, 'first floor. It's the door straight afore you, -when you gets to the top of the stairs.' Having given this instruction, -the handmaid, who had been brought up among the -aboriginal inhabitants of Southwark, disappeared, with the -candle in her hand, down the kitchen stairs, perfectly satisfied -that she had done everything that could possibly be required of -her under the circumstances. - -Mr. Snodgrass, who entered last, secured the street door, after -several ineffectual efforts, by putting up the chain; and the -friends stumbled upstairs, where they were received by Mr. Bob -Sawyer, who had been afraid to go down, lest he should be -waylaid by Mrs. Raddle. - -'How are you?' said the discomfited student. 'Glad to see you ---take care of the glasses.' This caution was addressed to Mr. -Pickwick, who had put his hat in the tray. - -'Dear me,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I beg your pardon.' - -'Don't mention it, don't mention it,' said Bob Sawyer. 'I'm -rather confined for room here, but you must put up with all that, -when you come to see a young bachelor. Walk in. You've seen -this gentleman before, I think?' Mr. Pickwick shook hands with -Mr. Benjamin Allen, and his friends followed his example. They -had scarcely taken their seats when there was another double knock. - -'I hope that's Jack Hopkins!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'Hush. -Yes, it is. Come up, Jack; come up.' - -A heavy footstep was heard upon the stairs, and Jack Hopkins -presented himself. He wore a black velvet waistcoat, with -thunder-and-lightning buttons; and a blue striped shirt, with a -white false collar. - -'You're late, Jack?' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Been detained at Bartholomew's,' replied Hopkins. - -'Anything new?' - -'No, nothing particular. Rather a good accident brought into -the casualty ward.' - -'What was that, sir?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Only a man fallen out of a four pair of stairs' window; but it's -a very fair case indeed.' - -'Do you mean that the patient is in a fair way to recover?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. -'No,' replied Mr. Hopkins carelessly. 'No, I should rather say -he wouldn't. There must be a splendid operation, though, -to-morrow--magnificent sight if Slasher does it.' - -'You consider Mr. Slasher a good operator?' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Best alive,' replied Hopkins. 'Took a boy's leg out of the -socket last week--boy ate five apples and a gingerbread cake-- -exactly two minutes after it was all over, boy said he wouldn't lie -there to be made game of, and he'd tell his mother if they didn't begin.' - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, astonished. - -'Pooh! That's nothing, that ain't,' said Jack Hopkins. 'Is it, Bob?' - -'Nothing at all,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'By the bye, Bob,' said Hopkins, with a scarcely perceptible -glance at Mr. Pickwick's attentive face, 'we had a curious -accident last night. A child was brought in, who had swallowed a -necklace.' - -'Swallowed what, Sir?' interrupted Mr. Pickwick. -'A necklace,' replied Jack Hopkins. 'Not all at once, you know, -that would be too much--you couldn't swallow that, if the child -did--eh, Mr. Pickwick? ha, ha!' Mr. Hopkins appeared highly -gratified with his own pleasantry, and continued--'No, the way -was this. Child's parents were poor people who lived in a court. -Child's eldest sister bought a necklace--common necklace, made -of large black wooden beads. Child being fond of toys, cribbed -the necklace, hid it, played with it, cut the string, and swallowed -a bead. Child thought it capital fun, went back next day, and -swallowed another bead.' - -'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what a dreadful thing! I -beg your pardon, Sir. Go on.' - -'Next day, child swallowed two beads; the day after that, he -treated himself to three, and so on, till in a week's time he had -got through the necklace--five-and-twenty beads in all. The -sister, who was an industrious girl, and seldom treated herself to -a bit of finery, cried her eyes out, at the loss of the necklace; -looked high and low for it; but, I needn't say, didn't find it. A -few days afterwards, the family were at dinner--baked shoulder -of mutton, and potatoes under it--the child, who wasn't hungry, -was playing about the room, when suddenly there was heard a -devil of a noise, like a small hailstorm. "Don't do that, my boy," -said the father. "I ain't a-doin' nothing," said the child. "Well, -don't do it again," said the father. There was a short silence, and -then the noise began again, worse than ever. "If you don't mind -what I say, my boy," said the father, "you'll find yourself in bed, -in something less than a pig's whisper." He gave the child a -shake to make him obedient, and such a rattling ensued as -nobody ever heard before. "Why, damme, it's IN the child!" said -the father, "he's got the croup in the wrong place!" "No, I -haven't, father," said the child, beginning to cry, "it's the necklace; -I swallowed it, father."--The father caught the child up, -and ran with him to the hospital; the beads in the boy's stomach -rattling all the way with the jolting; and the people looking up in -the air, and down in the cellars, to see where the unusual sound -came from. He's in the hospital now,' said Jack Hopkins, 'and he -makes such a devil of a noise when he walks about, that they're -obliged to muffle him in a watchman's coat, for fear he should -wake the patients.' - -'That's the most extraordinary case I ever heard of,' said -Mr. Pickwick, with an emphatic blow on the table. - -'Oh, that's nothing,' said Jack Hopkins. 'Is it, Bob?' - -'Certainly not,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'Very singular things occur in our profession, I can assure you, -Sir,' said Hopkins. - -'So I should be disposed to imagine,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -Another knock at the door announced a large-headed young -man in a black wig, who brought with him a scorbutic youth in a -long stock. The next comer was a gentleman in a shirt emblazoned -with pink anchors, who was closely followed by a pale youth with -a plated watchguard. The arrival of a prim personage in clean -linen and cloth boots rendered the party complete. The little -table with the green baize cover was wheeled out; the first -instalment of punch was brought in, in a white jug; and the -succeeding three hours were devoted to VINGT-ET-UN at sixpence a -dozen, which was only once interrupted by a slight dispute -between the scorbutic youth and the gentleman with the pink -anchors; in the course of which, the scorbutic youth intimated a -burning desire to pull the nose of the gentleman with the emblems -of hope; in reply to which, that individual expressed his decided -unwillingness to accept of any 'sauce' on gratuitous terms, either -from the irascible young gentleman with the scorbutic countenance, -or any other person who was ornamented with a head. - -When the last 'natural' had been declared, and the profit and -loss account of fish and sixpences adjusted, to the satisfaction of -all parties, Mr. Bob Sawyer rang for supper, and the visitors -squeezed themselves into corners while it was getting ready. - -it was not so easily got ready as some people may imagine. -First of all, it was necessary to awaken the girl, who had fallen -asleep with her face on the kitchen table; this took a little time, -and, even when she did answer the bell, another quarter of an -hour was consumed in fruitless endeavours to impart to her a -faint and distant glimmering of reason. The man to whom the -order for the oysters had been sent, had not been told to open -them; it is a very difficult thing to open an oyster with a limp -knife and a two-pronged fork; and very little was done in this -way. Very little of the beef was done either; and the ham (which -was also from the German-sausage shop round the corner) was -in a similar predicament. However, there was plenty of porter in -a tin can; and the cheese went a great way, for it was very strong. -So upon the whole, perhaps, the supper was quite as good as such -matters usually are. - -After supper, another jug of punch was put upon the table, -together with a paper of cigars, and a couple of bottles of spirits. -Then there was an awful pause; and this awful pause was -occasioned by a very common occurrence in this sort of place, -but a very embarrassing one notwithstanding. - -The fact is, the girl was washing the glasses. The establishment -boasted four: we do not record the circumstance as at all -derogatory to Mrs. Raddle, for there never was a lodging-house -yet, that was not short of glasses. The landlady's glasses were -little, thin, blown-glass tumblers, and those which had been -borrowed from the public-house were great, dropsical, bloated -articles, each supported on a huge gouty leg. This would have -been in itself sufficient to have possessed the company with the -real state of affairs; but the young woman of all work had -prevented the possibility of any misconception arising in the -mind of any gentleman upon the subject, by forcibly dragging -every man's glass away, long before he had finished his beer, and -audibly stating, despite the winks and interruptions of Mr. Bob -Sawyer, that it was to be conveyed downstairs, and washed forthwith. - -It is a very ill wind that blows nobody any good. The prim -man in the cloth boots, who had been unsuccessfully attempting -to make a joke during the whole time the round game lasted, -saw his opportunity, and availed himself of it. The instant the -glasses disappeared, he commenced a long story about a great -public character, whose name he had forgotten, making a particularly -happy reply to another eminent and illustrious individual -whom he had never been able to identify. He enlarged at some -length and with great minuteness upon divers collateral circumstances, -distantly connected with the anecdote in hand, but for -the life of him he couldn't recollect at that precise moment what -the anecdote was, although he had been in the habit of telling the -story with great applause for the last ten years. - -'Dear me,' said the prim man in the cloth boots, 'it is a very -extraordinary circumstance.' - -'I am sorry you have forgotten it,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, -glancing eagerly at the door, as he thought he heard the noise of -glasses jingling; 'very sorry.' - -'So am I,' responded the prim man, 'because I know it would -have afforded so much amusement. Never mind; I dare say I -shall manage to recollect it, in the course of half an hour or so.' - -The prim man arrived at this point just as the glasses came -back, when Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been absorbed in attention -during the whole time, said he should very much like to hear the -end of it, for, so far as it went, it was, without exception, the very -best story he had ever heard. -The sight of the tumblers restored Bob Sawyer to a degree of -equanimity which he had not possessed since his interview with his -landlady. His face brightened up, and he began to feel quite convivial. - -'Now, Betsy,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with great suavity, and -dispersing, at the same time, the tumultuous little mob of glasses -the girl had collected in the centre of the table--'now, Betsy, the -warm water; be brisk, there's a good girl.' - -'You can't have no warm water,' replied Betsy. - -'No warm water!' exclaimed Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'No,' said the girl, with a shake of the head which expressed a -more decided negative than the most copious language could -have conveyed. 'Missis Raddle said you warn't to have none.' - -The surprise depicted on the countenances of his guests -imparted new courage to the host. - -'Bring up the warm water instantly--instantly!' said Mr. Bob -Sawyer, with desperate sternness. - -'No. I can't,' replied the girl; 'Missis Raddle raked out the -kitchen fire afore she went to bed, and locked up the kittle.' - -'Oh, never mind; never mind. Pray don't disturb yourself -about such a trifle,' said Mr. Pickwick, observing the conflict of -Bob Sawyer's passions, as depicted in his countenance, 'cold -water will do very well.' - -'Oh, admirably,' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'My landlady is subject to some slight attacks of mental -derangement,' remarked Bob Sawyer, with a ghastly smile; 'I fear -I must give her warning.' - -'No, don't,' said Ben Allen. - -'I fear I must,' said Bob, with heroic firmness. 'I'll pay her -what I owe her, and give her warning to-morrow morning.' Poor -fellow! how devoutly he wished he could! - -Mr. Bob Sawyer's heart-sickening attempts to rally under this -last blow, communicated a dispiriting influence to the company, -the greater part of whom, with the view of raising their spirits, -attached themselves with extra cordiality to the cold brandy-and- -water, the first perceptible effects of which were displayed in a -renewal of hostilities between the scorbutic youth and the -gentleman in the shirt. The belligerents vented their feelings of -mutual contempt, for some time, in a variety of frownings and -snortings, until at last the scorbutic youth felt it necessary to -come to a more explicit understanding on the matter; when the -following clear understanding took place. -'Sawyer,' said the scorbutic youth, in a loud voice. - -'Well, Noddy,' replied Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'I should be very sorry, Sawyer,' said Mr. Noddy, 'to create -any unpleasantness at any friend's table, and much less at yours, -Sawyer--very; but I must take this opportunity of informing -Mr. Gunter that he is no gentleman.' - -'And I should be very sorry, Sawyer, to create any disturbance -in the street in which you reside,' said Mr. Gunter, 'but I'm -afraid I shall be under the necessity of alarming the neighbours by -throwing the person who has just spoken, out o' window.' - -'What do you mean by that, sir?' inquired Mr. Noddy. - -'What I say, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'I should like to see you do it, Sir,' said Mr. Noddy. - -'You shall FEEL me do it in half a minute, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'I request that you'll favour me with your card, Sir,' said -Mr. Noddy. - -'I'll do nothing of the kind, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'Why not, Sir?' inquired Mr. Noddy. - -'Because you'll stick it up over your chimney-piece, and delude -your visitors into the false belief that a gentleman has been to -see you, Sir,' replied Mr. Gunter. - -'Sir, a friend of mine shall wait on you in the morning,' said -Mr. Noddy. - -'Sir, I'm very much obliged to you for the caution, and I'll -leave particular directions with the servant to lock up the spoons,' -replied Mr. Gunter. - -At this point the remainder of the guests interposed, and -remonstrated with both parties on the impropriety of their -conduct; on which Mr. Noddy begged to state that his father was -quite as respectable as Mr. Gunter's father; to which Mr. Gunter -replied that his father was to the full as respectable as Mr. Noddy's -father, and that his father's son was as good a man as Mr. Noddy, -any day in the week. As this announcement seemed the prelude -to a recommencement of the dispute, there was another interference -on the part of the company; and a vast quantity of -talking and clamouring ensued, in the course of which Mr. Noddy -gradually allowed his feelings to overpower him, and professed -that he had ever entertained a devoted personal attachment -towards Mr. Gunter. To this Mr. Gunter replied that, upon the -whole, he rather preferred Mr. Noddy to his own brother; on -hearing which admission, Mr. Noddy magnanimously rose from -his seat, and proffered his hand to Mr. Gunter. Mr. Gunter -grasped it with affecting fervour; and everybody said that the -whole dispute had been conducted in a manner which was highly -honourable to both parties concerned. - -'Now,' said Jack Hopkins, 'just to set us going again, Bob, I -don't mind singing a song.' And Hopkins, incited thereto by -tumultuous applause, plunged himself at once into 'The King, -God bless him,' which he sang as loud as he could, to a novel air, -compounded of the 'Bay of Biscay,' and 'A Frog he would.' -The chorus was the essence of the song; and, as each gentleman -sang it to the tune he knew best, the effect was very striking indeed. - -It was at the end of the chorus to the first verse, that Mr. -Pickwick held up his hand in a listening attitude, and said, as -soon as silence was restored-- - -'Hush! I beg your pardon. I thought I heard somebody calling -from upstairs.' - -A profound silence immediately ensued; and Mr. Bob Sawyer -was observed to turn pale. - -'I think I hear it now,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Have the goodness -to open the door.' - -The door was no sooner opened than all doubt on the subject -was removed. - -'Mr. Sawyer! Mr. Sawyer!' screamed a voice from the two-pair landing. - -'It's my landlady,' said Bob Sawyer, looking round him with -great dismay. 'Yes, Mrs. Raddle.' - -'What do you mean by this, Mr. Sawyer?' replied the voice, -with great shrillness and rapidity of utterance. 'Ain't it enough -to be swindled out of one's rent, and money lent out of pocket -besides, and abused and insulted by your friends that dares to -call themselves men, without having the house turned out of the -window, and noise enough made to bring the fire-engines here, -at two o'clock in the morning?--Turn them wretches away.' - -'You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,' said the voice of -Mr. Raddle, which appeared to proceed from beneath some -distant bed-clothes. - -'Ashamed of themselves!' said Mrs. Raddle. 'Why don't you -go down and knock 'em every one downstairs? You would if -you was a man.' -'I should if I was a dozen men, my dear,' replied Mr. Raddle -pacifically, 'but they have the advantage of me in numbers, my dear.' - -'Ugh, you coward!' replied Mrs. Raddle, with supreme contempt. -'DO you mean to turn them wretches out, or not, Mr. Sawyer?' - -'They're going, Mrs. Raddle, they're going,' said the miserable -Bob. 'I am afraid you'd better go,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer to his -friends. 'I thought you were making too much noise.' - -'It's a very unfortunate thing,' said the prim man. 'Just as we -were getting so comfortable too!' The prim man was just -beginning to have a dawning recollection of the story he had forgotten. - -'It's hardly to be borne,' said the prim man, looking round. -'Hardly to be borne, is it?' - -'Not to be endured,' replied Jack Hopkins; 'let's have the -other verse, Bob. Come, here goes!' - -'No, no, Jack, don't,' interposed Bob Sawyer; 'it's a capital -song, but I am afraid we had better not have the other verse. -They are very violent people, the people of the house.' - -'Shall I step upstairs, and pitch into the landlord?' inquired -Hopkins, 'or keep on ringing the bell, or go and groan on the -staircase? You may command me, Bob.' - -'I am very much indebted to you for your friendship and good- -nature, Hopkins,' said the wretched Mr. Bob Sawyer, 'but I -think the best plan to avoid any further dispute is for us to -break up at once.' - -'Now, Mr. Sawyer,' screamed the shrill voice of Mrs. Raddle, -'are them brutes going?' - -'They're only looking for their hats, Mrs. Raddle,' said Bob; -'they are going directly.' - -'Going!' said Mrs. Raddle, thrusting her nightcap over the -banisters just as Mr. Pickwick, followed by Mr. Tupman, -emerged from the sitting-room. 'Going! what did they ever -come for?' - -'My dear ma'am,' remonstrated Mr. Pickwick, looking up. - -'Get along with you, old wretch!' replied Mrs. Raddle, hastily -withdrawing the nightcap. 'Old enough to be his grandfather, -you willin! You're worse than any of 'em.' - -Mr. Pickwick found it in vain to protest his innocence, so -hurried downstairs into the street, whither he was closely -followed by Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. -Mr. Ben Allen, who was dismally depressed with spirits and -agitation, accompanied them as far as London Bridge, and in the -course of the walk confided to Mr. Winkle, as an especially -eligible person to intrust the secret to, that he was resolved to -cut the throat of any gentleman, except Mr. Bob Sawyer, who -should aspire to the affections of his sister Arabella. Having -expressed his determination to perform this painful duty of a -brother with proper firmness, he burst into tears, knocked his hat -over his eyes, and, making the best of his way back, knocked -double knocks at the door of the Borough Market office, -and took short naps on the steps alternately, until daybreak, -under the firm impression that he lived there, and had forgotten -the key. - -The visitors having all departed, in compliance with the rather -pressing request of Mrs. Raddle, the luckless Mr. Bob Sawyer -was left alone, to meditate on the probable events of to-morrow, -and the pleasures of the evening. - - - -CHAPTER XXXIII -Mr. WELLER THE ELDER DELIVERS SOME CRITICAL SENTIMENTS - RESPECTING LITERARY COMPOSITION; AND, - ASSISTED BY HIS SON SAMUEL, PAYS A SMALL INSTALMENT - OF RETALIATION TO THE ACCOUNT OF THE REVEREND - GENTLEMAN WITH THE RED NOSE - - -The morning of the thirteenth of February, which the readers of -this authentic narrative know, as well as we do, to have been the day -immediately preceding that which was appointed for the trial of -Mrs. Bardell's action, was a busy time for Mr. Samuel Weller, who -was perpetually engaged in travelling from the George and Vulture to -Mr. Perker's chambers and back again, from and between the hours -of nine o'clock in the morning and two in the afternoon, both -inclusive. Not that there was anything whatever to be done, for the -consultation had taken place, and the course of proceeding to be -adopted, had been finally determined on; but Mr. Pickwick being in -a most extreme state of excitement, persevered in constantly -sending small notes to his attorney, merely containing the inquiry, -'Dear Perker. Is all going on well?' to which Mr. Perker -invariably forwarded the reply, 'Dear Pickwick. As well as -possible'; the fact being, as we have already hinted, that there -was nothing whatever to go on, either well or ill, until the -sitting of the court on the following morning. - -But people who go voluntarily to law, or are taken forcibly -there, for the first time, may be allowed to labour under some -temporary irritation and anxiety; and Sam, with a due allowance -for the frailties of human nature, obeyed all his master's behests -with that imperturbable good-humour and unruffable composure -which formed one of his most striking and amiable characteristics. - -Sam had solaced himself with a most agreeable little dinner, -and was waiting at the bar for the glass of warm mixture in which -Mr. Pickwick had requested him to drown the fatigues of his -morning's walks, when a young boy of about three feet high, or -thereabouts, in a hairy cap and fustian overalls, whose garb -bespoke a laudable ambition to attain in time the elevation of -an hostler, entered the passage of the George and Vulture, and -looked first up the stairs, and then along the passage, and then -into the bar, as if in search of somebody to whom he bore a -commission; whereupon the barmaid, conceiving it not -improbable that the said commission might be directed to the tea or -table spoons of the establishment, accosted the boy with-- - -'Now, young man, what do you want?' - -'Is there anybody here, named Sam?' inquired the youth, in a -loud voice of treble quality. - -'What's the t'other name?' said Sam Weller, looking round. - -'How should I know?' briskly replied the young gentleman -below the hairy cap. -'You're a sharp boy, you are,' said Mr. Weller; 'only I -wouldn't show that wery fine edge too much, if I was you, in case -anybody took it off. What do you mean by comin' to a hot-el, -and asking arter Sam, vith as much politeness as a vild Indian?' - -''Cos an old gen'l'm'n told me to,' replied the boy. - -'What old gen'l'm'n?' inquired Sam, with deep disdain. - -'Him as drives a Ipswich coach, and uses our parlour,' rejoined -the boy. 'He told me yesterday mornin' to come to the George -and Wultur this arternoon, and ask for Sam.' - -'It's my father, my dear,' said Mr. Weller, turning with an -explanatory air to the young lady in the bar; 'blessed if I think -he hardly knows wot my other name is. Well, young brockiley -sprout, wot then?' - -'Why then,' said the boy, 'you was to come to him at six -o'clock to our 'ouse, 'cos he wants to see you--Blue Boar, -Leaden'all Markit. Shall I say you're comin'?' - -'You may wenture on that 'ere statement, Sir,' replied Sam. -And thus empowered, the young gentleman walked away, -awakening all the echoes in George Yard as he did so, with -several chaste and extremely correct imitations of a drover's -whistle, delivered in a tone of peculiar richness and volume. - -Mr. Weller having obtained leave of absence from Mr. Pickwick, -who, in his then state of excitement and worry, was by no -means displeased at being left alone, set forth, long before the -appointed hour, and having plenty of time at his disposal, -sauntered down as far as the Mansion House, where he paused -and contemplated, with a face of great calmness and philosophy, -the numerous cads and drivers of short stages who assemble near -that famous place of resort, to the great terror and confusion of -the old-lady population of these realms. Having loitered here, for -half an hour or so, Mr. Weller turned, and began wending his -way towards Leadenhall Market, through a variety of by-streets -and courts. As he was sauntering away his spare time, and -stopped to look at almost every object that met his gaze, it is by -no means surprising that Mr. Weller should have paused before -a small stationer's and print-seller's window; but without further -explanation it does appear surprising that his eyes should have -no sooner rested on certain pictures which were exposed for sale -therein, than he gave a sudden start, smote his right leg with -great vehemence, and exclaimed, with energy, 'if it hadn't been -for this, I should ha' forgot all about it, till it was too late!' - -The particular picture on which Sam Weller's eyes were fixed, -as he said this, was a highly-coloured representation of a couple -of human hearts skewered together with an arrow, cooking -before a cheerful fire, while a male and female cannibal in -modern attire, the gentleman being clad in a blue coat and white -trousers, and the lady in a deep red pelisse with a parasol of the -same, were approaching the meal with hungry eyes, up a serpentine -gravel path leading thereunto. A decidedly indelicate young -gentleman, in a pair of wings and nothing else, was depicted as -superintending the cooking; a representation of the spire of the -church in Langham Place, London, appeared in the distance; -and the whole formed a 'valentine,' of which, as a written -inscription in the window testified, there was a large assortment -within, which the shopkeeper pledged himself to dispose of, to his -countrymen generally, at the reduced rate of one-and-sixpence each. - -'I should ha' forgot it; I should certainly ha' forgot it!' said -Sam; so saying, he at once stepped into the stationer's shop, and -requested to be served with a sheet of the best gilt-edged letter- -paper, and a hard-nibbed pen which could be warranted not to -splutter. These articles having been promptly supplied, he -walked on direct towards Leadenhall Market at a good round -pace, very different from his recent lingering one. Looking round -him, he there beheld a signboard on which the painter's art had -delineated something remotely resembling a cerulean elephant -with an aquiline nose in lieu of trunk. Rightly conjecturing that -this was the Blue Boar himself, he stepped into the house, and -inquired concerning his parent. - -'He won't be here this three-quarters of an hour or more,' said -the young lady who superintended the domestic arrangements of -the Blue Boar. - -'Wery good, my dear,' replied Sam. 'Let me have nine- -penn'oth o' brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, will you, miss?' - -The brandy-and-water luke, and the inkstand, having been -carried into the little parlour, and the young lady having carefully -flattened down the coals to prevent their blazing, and carried -away the poker to preclude the possibility of the fire being stirred, -without the full privity and concurrence of the Blue Boar being -first had and obtained, Sam Weller sat himself down in a box -near the stove, and pulled out the sheet of gilt-edged letter-paper, -and the hard-nibbed pen. Then looking carefully at the pen to -see that there were no hairs in it, and dusting down the table, so -that there might be no crumbs of bread under the paper, Sam -tucked up the cuffs of his coat, squared his elbows, and composed -himself to write. - -To ladies and gentlemen who are not in the habit of devoting -themselves practically to the science of penmanship, writing a -letter is no very easy task; it being always considered necessary -in such cases for the writer to recline his head on his left arm, so -as to place his eyes as nearly as possible on a level with the paper, -and, while glancing sideways at the letters he is constructing, to -form with his tongue imaginary characters to correspond. These -motions, although unquestionably of the greatest assistance to -original composition, retard in some degree the progress of the -writer; and Sam had unconsciously been a full hour and a half -writing words in small text, smearing out wrong letters with his -little finger, and putting in new ones which required going over -very often to render them visible through the old blots, when he -was roused by the opening of the door and the entrance of his parent. - -'Vell, Sammy,' said the father. - -'Vell, my Prooshan Blue,' responded the son, laying down his -pen. 'What's the last bulletin about mother-in-law?' - -'Mrs. Veller passed a very good night, but is uncommon -perwerse, and unpleasant this mornin'. Signed upon oath, Tony -Veller, Esquire. That's the last vun as was issued, Sammy,' -replied Mr. Weller, untying his shawl. - -'No better yet?' inquired Sam. - -'All the symptoms aggerawated,' replied Mr. Weller, shaking -his head. 'But wot's that, you're a-doin' of? Pursuit of knowledge -under difficulties, Sammy?' - -'I've done now,' said Sam, with slight embarrassment; 'I've -been a-writin'.' - -'So I see,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Not to any young 'ooman, I -hope, Sammy?' - -'Why, it's no use a-sayin' it ain't,' replied Sam; 'it's a walentine.' - -'A what!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, apparently horror-stricken -by the word. - -'A walentine,' replied Sam. -'Samivel, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, in reproachful accents, 'I -didn't think you'd ha' done it. Arter the warnin' you've had o' -your father's wicious propensities; arter all I've said to you upon -this here wery subject; arter actiwally seein' and bein' in the -company o' your own mother-in-law, vich I should ha' thought -wos a moral lesson as no man could never ha' forgotten to his -dyin' day! I didn't think you'd ha' done it, Sammy, I didn't -think you'd ha' done it!' These reflections were too much for the -good old man. He raised Sam's tumbler to his lips and drank off -its contents. - -'Wot's the matter now?' said Sam. - -'Nev'r mind, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'it'll be a wery -agonisin' trial to me at my time of life, but I'm pretty tough, that's -vun consolation, as the wery old turkey remarked wen the -farmer said he wos afeerd he should be obliged to kill him for the -London market.' - -'Wot'll be a trial?' inquired Sam. -'To see you married, Sammy--to see you a dilluded wictim, -and thinkin' in your innocence that it's all wery capital,' replied -Mr. Weller. 'It's a dreadful trial to a father's feelin's, that 'ere, -Sammy--' - -'Nonsense,' said Sam. 'I ain't a-goin' to get married, don't you -fret yourself about that; I know you're a judge of these things. -Order in your pipe and I'll read you the letter. There!' - -We cannot distinctly say whether it was the prospect of the -pipe, or the consolatory reflection that a fatal disposition to get -married ran in the family, and couldn't be helped, which calmed -Mr. Weller's feelings, and caused his grief to subside. We should -be rather disposed to say that the result was attained by combining -the two sources of consolation, for he repeated the second -in a low tone, very frequently; ringing the bell meanwhile, to -order in the first. He then divested himself of his upper coat; and -lighting the pipe and placing himself in front of the fire with his -back towards it, so that he could feel its full heat, and recline -against the mantel-piece at the same time, turned towards Sam, -and, with a countenance greatly mollified by the softening -influence of tobacco, requested him to 'fire away.' - -Sam dipped his pen into the ink to be ready for any corrections, -and began with a very theatrical air-- - -'"Lovely--"' - -'Stop,' said Mr. Weller, ringing the bell. 'A double glass o' the -inwariable, my dear.' - -'Very well, Sir,' replied the girl; who with great quickness -appeared, vanished, returned, and disappeared. - -'They seem to know your ways here,' observed Sam. - -'Yes,' replied his father, 'I've been here before, in my time. -Go on, Sammy.' - -'"Lovely creetur,"' repeated Sam. - -''Tain't in poetry, is it?' interposed his father. - -'No, no,' replied Sam. - -'Wery glad to hear it,' said Mr. Weller. 'Poetry's unnat'ral; no -man ever talked poetry 'cept a beadle on boxin'-day, or Warren's -blackin', or Rowland's oil, or some of them low fellows; never -you let yourself down to talk poetry, my boy. Begin agin, Sammy.' - -Mr. Weller resumed his pipe with critical solemnity, and Sam -once more commenced, and read as follows: - -'"Lovely creetur I feel myself a damned--"' -'That ain't proper,' said Mr. Weller, taking his pipe from his mouth. - -'No; it ain't "damned,"' observed Sam, holding the letter up -to the light, 'it's "shamed," there's a blot there--"I feel myself -ashamed."' - -'Wery good,' said Mr. Weller. 'Go on.' - -'"Feel myself ashamed, and completely cir--' I forget what -this here word is,' said Sam, scratching his head with the pen, -in vain attempts to remember. - -'Why don't you look at it, then?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'So I am a-lookin' at it,' replied Sam, 'but there's another blot. -Here's a "c," and a "i," and a "d."' - -'Circumwented, p'raps,' suggested Mr. Weller. - -'No, it ain't that,' said Sam, '"circumscribed"; that's it.' - -'That ain't as good a word as "circumwented," Sammy,' said -Mr. Weller gravely. - -'Think not?' said Sam. - -'Nothin' like it,' replied his father. - -'But don't you think it means more?' inquired Sam. - -'Vell p'raps it's a more tenderer word,' said Mr. Weller, after -a few moments' reflection. 'Go on, Sammy.' - -'"Feel myself ashamed and completely circumscribed in a- -dressin' of you, for you are a nice gal and nothin' but it."' - -'That's a wery pretty sentiment,' said the elder Mr. Weller, -removing his pipe to make way for the remark. - -'Yes, I think it is rayther good,' observed Sam, highly flattered. - -'Wot I like in that 'ere style of writin',' said the elder Mr. -Weller, 'is, that there ain't no callin' names in it--no Wenuses, -nor nothin' o' that kind. Wot's the good o' callin' a young -'ooman a Wenus or a angel, Sammy?' - -'Ah! what, indeed?' replied Sam. - -'You might jist as well call her a griffin, or a unicorn, or a -king's arms at once, which is wery well known to be a collection -o' fabulous animals,' added Mr. Weller. - -'Just as well,' replied Sam. - -'Drive on, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. - -Sam complied with the request, and proceeded as follows; his -father continuing to smoke, with a mixed expression of wisdom -and complacency, which was particularly edifying. - -'"Afore I see you, I thought all women was alike."' - -'So they are,' observed the elder Mr. Weller parenthetically. - -'"But now,"' continued Sam, '"now I find what a reg'lar soft- -headed, inkred'lous turnip I must ha' been; for there ain't -nobody like you, though I like you better than nothin' at all." I -thought it best to make that rayther strong,' said Sam, looking up. - -Mr. Weller nodded approvingly, and Sam resumed. - -'"So I take the privilidge of the day, Mary, my dear--as the -gen'l'm'n in difficulties did, ven he valked out of a Sunday--to -tell you that the first and only time I see you, your likeness was -took on my hart in much quicker time and brighter colours than -ever a likeness was took by the profeel macheen (wich p'raps you -may have heerd on Mary my dear) altho it DOES finish a portrait -and put the frame and glass on complete, with a hook at the -end to hang it up by, and all in two minutes and a quarter."' - -'I am afeerd that werges on the poetical, Sammy,' said Mr. -Weller dubiously. - -'No, it don't,' replied Sam, reading on very quickly, to avoid -contesting the point-- - -'"Except of me Mary my dear as your walentine and think -over what I've said.--My dear Mary I will now conclude." That's -all,' said Sam. - -'That's rather a Sudden pull-up, ain't it, Sammy?' inquired -Mr. Weller. - -'Not a bit on it,' said Sam; 'she'll vish there wos more, and -that's the great art o' letter-writin'.' - -'Well,' said Mr. Weller, 'there's somethin' in that; and I wish -your mother-in-law 'ud only conduct her conwersation on the -same gen-teel principle. Ain't you a-goin' to sign it?' - -'That's the difficulty,' said Sam; 'I don't know what to sign it.' - -'Sign it--"Veller",' said the oldest surviving proprietor of that name. - -'Won't do,' said Sam. 'Never sign a walentine with your own name.' - -'Sign it "Pickwick," then,' said Mr. Weller; 'it's a wery good -name, and a easy one to spell.' -'The wery thing,' said Sam. 'I COULD end with a werse; what do -you think?' - -'I don't like it, Sam,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'I never know'd a -respectable coachman as wrote poetry, 'cept one, as made an -affectin' copy o' werses the night afore he was hung for a highway -robbery; and he wos only a Cambervell man, so even that's no rule.' - -But Sam was not to be dissuaded from the poetical idea that -had occurred to him, so he signed the letter-- - 'Your love-sick - Pickwick.' - -And having folded it, in a very intricate manner, squeezed a -downhill direction in one corner: 'To Mary, Housemaid, at -Mr. Nupkins's, Mayor's, Ipswich, Suffolk'; and put it into his -pocket, wafered, and ready for the general post. This important -business having been transacted, Mr. Weller the elder proceeded -to open that, on which he had summoned his son. - -'The first matter relates to your governor, Sammy,' said Mr. -Weller. 'He's a-goin' to be tried to-morrow, ain't he?' - -'The trial's a-comin' on,' replied Sam. - -'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'Now I s'pose he'll want to call some -witnesses to speak to his character, or p'rhaps to prove a alleybi. -I've been a-turnin' the bis'ness over in my mind, and he may -make his-self easy, Sammy. I've got some friends as'll do either -for him, but my adwice 'ud be this here--never mind the -character, and stick to the alleybi. Nothing like a alleybi, Sammy, -nothing.' Mr. Weller looked very profound as he delivered this -legal opinion; and burying his nose in his tumbler, winked over -the top thereof, at his astonished son. -'Why, what do you mean?' said Sam; 'you don't think he's -a-goin' to be tried at the Old Bailey, do you?' - -'That ain't no part of the present consideration, Sammy,' -replied Mr. Weller. 'Verever he's a-goin' to be tried, my boy, a -alleybi's the thing to get him off. Ve got Tom Vildspark off that -'ere manslaughter, with a alleybi, ven all the big vigs to a man -said as nothing couldn't save him. And my 'pinion is, Sammy, -that if your governor don't prove a alleybi, he'll be what the -Italians call reg'larly flummoxed, and that's all about it.' - -As the elder Mr. Weller entertained a firm and unalterable -conviction that the Old Bailey was the supreme court of judicature -in this country, and that its rules and forms of proceeding -regulated and controlled the practice of all other courts of justice -whatsoever, he totally disregarded the assurances and arguments -of his son, tending to show that the alibi was inadmissible; and -vehemently protested that Mr. Pickwick was being 'wictimised.' -Finding that it was of no use to discuss the matter further, Sam -changed the subject, and inquired what the second topic was, on -which his revered parent wished to consult him. - -'That's a pint o' domestic policy, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. -'This here Stiggins--' - -'Red-nosed man?' inquired Sam. - -'The wery same,' replied Mr. Weller. 'This here red-nosed -man, Sammy, wisits your mother-in-law vith a kindness and -constancy I never see equalled. He's sitch a friend o' the family, -Sammy, that wen he's avay from us, he can't be comfortable -unless he has somethin' to remember us by.' - -'And I'd give him somethin' as 'ud turpentine and beeswax his -memory for the next ten years or so, if I wos you,' interposed Sam. - -'Stop a minute,' said Mr. Weller; 'I wos a-going to say, he -always brings now, a flat bottle as holds about a pint and a half, -and fills it vith the pine-apple rum afore he goes avay.' - -'And empties it afore he comes back, I s'pose?' said Sam. - -'Clean!' replied Mr. Weller; 'never leaves nothin' in it but the -cork and the smell; trust him for that, Sammy. Now, these here -fellows, my boy, are a-goin' to-night to get up the monthly -meetin' o' the Brick Lane Branch o' the United Grand Junction -Ebenezer Temperance Association. Your mother-in-law wos -a-goin', Sammy, but she's got the rheumatics, and can't; and I, -Sammy--I've got the two tickets as wos sent her.' Mr. Weller -communicated this secret with great glee, and winked so -indefatigably after doing so, that Sam began to think he must have -got the TIC DOLOUREUX in his right eyelid. - -'Well?' said that young gentleman. -'Well,' continued his progenitor, looking round him very -cautiously, 'you and I'll go, punctiwal to the time. The deputy- -shepherd won't, Sammy; the deputy-shepherd won't.' Here Mr. -Weller was seized with a paroxysm of chuckles, which gradually -terminated in as near an approach to a choke as an elderly -gentleman can, with safety, sustain. - -'Well, I never see sitch an old ghost in all my born days,' -exclaimed Sam, rubbing the old gentleman's back, hard enough -to set him on fire with the friction. 'What are you a-laughin' at, -corpilence?' - -'Hush! Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, looking round him with -increased caution, and speaking in a whisper. 'Two friends o' -mine, as works the Oxford Road, and is up to all kinds o' games, -has got the deputy-shepherd safe in tow, Sammy; and ven he -does come to the Ebenezer Junction (vich he's sure to do: for -they'll see him to the door, and shove him in, if necessary), he'll -be as far gone in rum-and-water, as ever he wos at the Markis o' -Granby, Dorkin', and that's not sayin' a little neither.' And with -this, Mr. Weller once more laughed immoderately, and once -more relapsed into a state of partial suffocation, in consequence. - -Nothing could have been more in accordance with Sam -Weller's feelings than the projected exposure of the real propensities -and qualities of the red-nosed man; and it being very -near the appointed hour of meeting, the father and son took -their way at once to Brick Lane, Sam not forgetting to drop his -letter into a general post-office as they walked along. - -The monthly meetings of the Brick Lane Branch of the United -Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association were held in -a large room, pleasantly and airily situated at the top of a safe -and commodious ladder. The president was the straight-walking -Mr. Anthony Humm, a converted fireman, now a schoolmaster, -and occasionally an itinerant preacher; and the secretary was -Mr. Jonas Mudge, chandler's shopkeeper, an enthusiastic and -disinterested vessel, who sold tea to the members. Previous to the -commencement of business, the ladies sat upon forms, and drank -tea, till such time as they considered it expedient to leave off; and -a large wooden money-box was conspicuously placed upon the -green baize cloth of the business-table, behind which -the secretary stood, and acknowledged, with a gracious smile, -every addition to the rich vein of copper which lay concealed within. - -On this particular occasion the women drank tea to a most -alarming extent; greatly to the horror of Mr. Weller, senior, who, -utterly regardless of all Sam's admonitory nudgings, stared about -him in every direction with the most undisguised astonishment. - -'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, 'if some o' these here people -don't want tappin' to-morrow mornin', I ain't your father, and -that's wot it is. Why, this here old lady next me is a-drowndin' -herself in tea.' -'Be quiet, can't you?' murmured Sam. - -'Sam,' whispered Mr. Weller, a moment afterwards, in a tone -of deep agitation, 'mark my vords, my boy. If that 'ere secretary -fellow keeps on for only five minutes more, he'll blow hisself up -with toast and water.' - -'Well, let him, if he likes,' replied Sam; 'it ain't no bis'ness -o' yourn.' - -'If this here lasts much longer, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in -the same low voice, 'I shall feel it my duty, as a human bein', to -rise and address the cheer. There's a young 'ooman on the next -form but two, as has drunk nine breakfast cups and a half; and -she's a-swellin' wisibly before my wery eyes.' - -There is little doubt that Mr. Weller would have carried his -benevolent intention into immediate execution, if a great noise, -occasioned by putting up the cups and saucers, had not very -fortunately announced that the tea-drinking was over. The -crockery having been removed, the table with the green baize -cover was carried out into the centre of the room, and the -business of the evening was commenced by a little emphatic man, -with a bald head and drab shorts, who suddenly rushed up the -ladder, at the imminent peril of snapping the two little legs -incased in the drab shorts, and said-- - -'Ladies and gentlemen, I move our excellent brother, Mr. -Anthony Humm, into the chair.' - -The ladies waved a choice selection of pocket-handkerchiefs at -this proposition; and the impetuous little man literally moved -Mr. Humm into the chair, by taking him by the shoulders and -thrusting him into a mahogany-frame which had once represented -that article of furniture. The waving of handkerchiefs was -renewed; and Mr. Humm, who was a sleek, white-faced man, in a -perpetual perspiration, bowed meekly, to the great admiration of -the females, and formally took his seat. Silence was then proclaimed -by the little man in the drab shorts, and Mr. Humm rose -and said--That, with the permission of his Brick Lane Branch -brothers and sisters, then and there present, the secretary would -read the report of the Brick Lane Branch committee; a proposition -which was again received with a demonstration of pocket-handkerchiefs. - -The secretary having sneezed in a very impressive manner, and -the cough which always seizes an assembly, when anything -particular is going to be done, having been duly performed, the -following document was read: - -'REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF THE BRICK LANE BRANCH OF THE -UNITED GRAND JUNCTION EBENEZER TEMPERANCE ASSOCIATION - - -'Your committee have pursued their grateful labours during the -past month, and have the unspeakable pleasure of reporting the -following additional cases of converts to Temperance. - -'H. Walker, tailor, wife, and two children. When in better -circumstances, owns to having been in the constant habit of -drinking ale and beer; says he is not certain whether he did not -twice a week, for twenty years, taste "dog's nose," which your -committee find upon inquiry, to be compounded of warm porter, -moist sugar, gin, and nutmeg (a groan, and 'So it is!' from an -elderly female). Is now out of work and penniless; thinks it must -be the porter (cheers) or the loss of the use of his right hand; is -not certain which, but thinks it very likely that, if he had drunk -nothing but water all his life, his fellow-workman would never -have stuck a rusty needle in him, and thereby occasioned his -accident (tremendous cheering). Has nothing but cold water to -drink, and never feels thirsty (great applause). - -'Betsy Martin, widow, one child, and one eye. Goes out -charing and washing, by the day; never had more than one eye, -but knows her mother drank bottled stout, and shouldn't wonder -if that caused it (immense cheering). Thinks it not impossible -that if she had always abstained from spirits she might have had -two eyes by this time (tremendous applause). Used, at every -place she went to, to have eighteen-pence a day, a pint of porter, -and a glass of spirits; but since she became a member of the -Brick Lane Branch, has always demanded three-and-sixpence -(the announcement of this most interesting fact was received -with deafening enthusiasm). - -'Henry Beller was for many years toast-master at various -corporation dinners, during which time he drank a great deal of -foreign wine; may sometimes have carried a bottle or two home -with him; is not quite certain of that, but is sure if he did, that he -drank the contents. Feels very low and melancholy, is very -feverish, and has a constant thirst upon him; thinks it must be -the wine he used to drink (cheers). Is out of employ now; and -never touches a drop of foreign wine by any chance (tremendous -plaudits). - -'Thomas Burton is purveyor of cat's meat to the Lord Mayor -and Sheriffs, and several members of the Common Council (the -announcement of this gentleman's name was received with -breathless interest). Has a wooden leg; finds a wooden leg -expensive, going over the stones; used to wear second-hand -wooden legs, and drink a glass of hot gin-and-water regularly -every night--sometimes two (deep sighs). Found the second-hand -wooden legs split and rot very quickly; is firmly persuaded that -their constitution was undermined by the gin-and-water (prolonged -cheering). Buys new wooden legs now, and drinks -nothing but water and weak tea. The new legs last twice as long -as the others used to do, and he attributes this solely to his -temperate habits (triumphant cheers).' - - -Anthony Humm now moved that the assembly do regale itself -with a song. With a view to their rational and moral enjoyment, -Brother Mordlin had adapted the beautiful words of 'Who hasn't -heard of a Jolly Young Waterman?' to the tune of the Old -Hundredth, which he would request them to join him in singing -(great applause). He might take that opportunity of expressing his -firm persuasion that the late Mr. Dibdin, seeing the errors of his -former life, had written that song to show the advantages of -abstinence. It was a temperance song (whirlwinds of cheers). The -neatness of the young man's attire, the dexterity of his feathering, -the enviable state of mind which enabled him in the beautiful -words of the poet, to - - 'Row along, thinking of nothing at all,' - -all combined to prove that he must have been a water-drinker -(cheers). Oh, what a state of virtuous jollity! (rapturous cheering). -And what was the young man's reward? Let all young men present -mark this: - - 'The maidens all flocked to his boat so readily.' - -(Loud cheers, in which the ladies joined.) What a bright example! -The sisterhood, the maidens, flocking round the young waterman, -and urging him along the stream of duty and of temperance. -But, was it the maidens of humble life only, who soothed, consoled, -and supported him? No! - - 'He was always first oars with the fine city ladies.' - -(Immense cheering.) The soft sex to a man--he begged pardon, -to a female--rallied round the young waterman, and turned with -disgust from the drinker of spirits (cheers). The Brick Lane -Branch brothers were watermen (cheers and laughter). That room -was their boat; that audience were the maidens; and he (Mr. -Anthony Humm), however unworthily, was 'first oars' -(unbounded applause). - -'Wot does he mean by the soft sex, Sammy?' inquired Mr. -Weller, in a whisper. - -'The womin,' said Sam, in the same tone. - -'He ain't far out there, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller; 'they -MUST be a soft sex--a wery soft sex, indeed--if they let themselves -be gammoned by such fellers as him.' - -Any further observations from the indignant old gentleman -were cut short by the announcement of the song, which Mr. -Anthony Humm gave out two lines at a time, for the information -of such of his hearers as were unacquainted with the legend. -While it was being sung, the little man with the drab shorts -disappeared; he returned immediately on its conclusion, and -whispered Mr. Anthony Humm, with a face of the deepest importance. -'My friends,' said Mr. Humm, holding up his hand in a -deprecatory manner, to bespeak the silence of such of the stout -old ladies as were yet a line or two behind; 'my friends, a delegate -from the Dorking Branch of our society, Brother Stiggins, -attends below.' - -Out came the pocket-handkerchiefs again, in greater force -than ever; for Mr. Stiggins was excessively popular among the -female constituency of Brick Lane. - -'He may approach, I think,' said Mr. Humm, looking round -him, with a fat smile. 'Brother Tadger, let him come forth and -greet us.' - -The little man in the drab shorts who answered to the name of -Brother Tadger, bustled down the ladder with great speed, and -was immediately afterwards heard tumbling up with the Reverend -Mr. Stiggins. - -'He's a-comin', Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, purple in the -countenance with suppressed laughter. - -'Don't say nothin' to me,' replied Sam, 'for I can't bear it. He's -close to the door. I hear him a-knockin' his head again the lath -and plaster now.' - -As Sam Weller spoke, the little door flew open, and Brother -Tadger appeared, closely followed by the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, -who no sooner entered, than there was a great clapping of hands, -and stamping of feet, and flourishing of handkerchiefs; to all of -which manifestations of delight, Brother Stiggins returned no -other acknowledgment than staring with a wild eye, and a fixed -smile, at the extreme top of the wick of the candle on the table, -swaying his body to and fro, meanwhile, in a very unsteady and -uncertain manner. - -'Are you unwell, Brother Stiggins?' whispered Mr. Anthony Humm. - -'I am all right, Sir,' replied Mr. Stiggins, in a tone in which -ferocity was blended with an extreme thickness of utterance; 'I -am all right, Sir.' - -'Oh, very well,' rejoined Mr. Anthony Humm, retreating a few paces. - -'I believe no man here has ventured to say that I am not all -right, Sir?' said Mr. Stiggins. - -'Oh, certainly not,' said Mr. Humm. -'I should advise him not to, Sir; I should advise him not,' said -Mr. Stiggins. - -By this time the audience were perfectly silent, and waited -with some anxiety for the resumption of business. - -'Will you address the meeting, brother?' said Mr. Humm, with -a smile of invitation. - -'No, sir,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins; 'No, sir. I will not, sir.' - -The meeting looked at each other with raised eyelids; and a -murmur of astonishment ran through the room. - -'It's my opinion, sir,' said Mr. Stiggins, unbuttoning his coat, -and speaking very loudly--'it's my opinion, sir, that this meeting -is drunk, sir. Brother Tadger, sir!' said Mr. Stiggins, suddenly -increasing in ferocity, and turning sharp round on the little man -in the drab shorts, 'YOU are drunk, sir!' With this, Mr. Stiggins, -entertaining a praiseworthy desire to promote the sobriety of the -meeting, and to exclude therefrom all improper characters, hit -Brother Tadger on the summit of the nose with such unerring -aim, that the drab shorts disappeared like a flash of lightning. -Brother Tadger had been knocked, head first, down the ladder. - -Upon this, the women set up a loud and dismal screaming; -and rushing in small parties before their favourite brothers, flung -their arms around them to preserve them from danger. An -instance of affection, which had nearly proved fatal to Humm, -who, being extremely popular, was all but suffocated, by the -crowd of female devotees that hung about his neck, and heaped -caresses upon him. The greater part of the lights were quickly -put out, and nothing but noise and confusion resounded on all sides. - -'Now, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking off his greatcoat with -much deliberation, 'just you step out, and fetch in a watchman.' - -'And wot are you a-goin' to do, the while?' inquired Sam. - -'Never you mind me, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman; 'I -shall ockipy myself in havin' a small settlement with that 'ere -Stiggins.' Before Sam could interfere to prevent it, his heroic -parent had penetrated into a remote corner of the room, and -attacked the Reverend Mr. Stiggins with manual dexterity. - -'Come off!' said Sam. - -'Come on!' cried Mr. Weller; and without further invitation -he gave the Reverend Mr. Stiggins a preliminary tap on the head, -and began dancing round him in a buoyant and cork-like -manner, which in a gentleman at his time of life was a perfect -marvel to behold. - -Finding all remonstrances unavailing, Sam pulled his hat -firmly on, threw his father's coat over his arm, and taking the old -man round the waist, forcibly dragged him down the ladder, and -into the street; never releasing his hold, or permitting him to -stop, until they reached the corner. As they gained it, they could -hear the shouts of the populace, who were witnessing the removal -of the Reverend Mr. Stiggins to strong lodgings for the night, -and could hear the noise occasioned by the dispersion in various -directions of the members of the Brick Lane Branch of the -United Grand Junction Ebenezer Temperance Association. - - - -CHAPTER XXXIV -IS WHOLLY DEVOTED TO A FULL AND FAITHFUL REPORT - OF THE MEMORABLE TRIAL OF BARDELL AGAINST PICKWICK - - -'I wonder what the foreman of the jury, whoever he'll be, has got -for breakfast,' said Mr. Snodgrass, by way of keeping up a -conversation on the eventful morning of the fourteenth of February. - -'Ah!' said Perker, 'I hope he's got a good one.' -'Why so?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Highly important--very important, my dear Sir,' replied -Perker. 'A good, contented, well-breakfasted juryman is a capital -thing to get hold of. Discontented or hungry jurymen, my dear -sir, always find for the plaintiff.' - -'Bless my heart,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking very blank, 'what -do they do that for?' - -'Why, I don't know,' replied the little man coolly; 'saves time, -I suppose. If it's near dinner-time, the foreman takes out his -watch when the jury has retired, and says, "Dear me, gentlemen, -ten minutes to five, I declare! I dine at five, gentlemen." "So do I," -says everybody else, except two men who ought to have dined at -three and seem more than half disposed to stand out in consequence. -The foreman smiles, and puts up his watch:--"Well, -gentlemen, what do we say, plaintiff or defendant, gentlemen? I -rather think, so far as I am concerned, gentlemen,--I say, I -rather think--but don't let that influence you--I RATHER think -the plaintiff's the man." Upon this, two or three other men -are sure to say that they think so too--as of course they do; and -then they get on very unanimously and comfortably. Ten minutes -past nine!' said the little man, looking at his watch.'Time we were -off, my dear sir; breach of promise trial-court is generally full -in such cases. You had better ring for a coach, my dear sir, or we -shall be rather late.' - -Mr. Pickwick immediately rang the bell, and a coach having -been procured, the four Pickwickians and Mr. Perker ensconced -themselves therein, and drove to Guildhall; Sam Weller, Mr. -Lowten, and the blue bag, following in a cab. - -'Lowten,' said Perker, when they reached the outer hall of the -court, 'put Mr. Pickwick's friends in the students' box; Mr. -Pickwick himself had better sit by me. This way, my dear sir, this -way.' Taking Mr. Pickwick by the coat sleeve, the little man led -him to the low seat just beneath the desks of the King's Counsel, -which is constructed for the convenience of attorneys, who from -that spot can whisper into the ear of the leading counsel in the -case, any instructions that may be necessary during the progress -of the trial. The occupants of this seat are invisible to the great -body of spectators, inasmuch as they sit on a much lower level -than either the barristers or the audience, whose seats are raised -above the floor. Of course they have their backs to both, and -their faces towards the judge. - -'That's the witness-box, I suppose?' said Mr. Pickwick, -pointing to a kind of pulpit, with a brass rail, on his left hand. - -'That's the witness-box, my dear sir,' replied Perker, -disinterring a quantity of papers from the blue bag, which Lowten -had just deposited at his feet. - -'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, pointing to a couple of enclosed -seats on his right, 'that's where the jurymen sit, is it not?' - -'The identical place, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, tapping the -lid of his snuff-box. - -Mr. Pickwick stood up in a state of great agitation, and took a -glance at the court. There were already a pretty large sprinkling -of spectators in the gallery, and a numerous muster of gentlemen -in wigs, in the barristers' seats, who presented, as a body, all that -pleasing and extensive variety of nose and whisker for which the -Bar of England is so justly celebrated. Such of the gentlemen as -had a brief to carry, carried it in as conspicuous a manner as -possible, and occasionally scratched their noses therewith, to -impress the fact more strongly on the observation of the spectators. -Other gentlemen, who had no briefs to show, carried -under their arms goodly octavos, with a red label behind, and that -under-done-pie-crust-coloured cover, which is technically known -as 'law calf.' Others, who had neither briefs nor books, thrust -their hands into their pockets, and looked as wise as they -conveniently could; others, again, moved here and there with great -restlessness and earnestness of manner, content to awaken -thereby the admiration and astonishment of the uninitiated -strangers. The whole, to the great wonderment of Mr, Pickwick, -were divided into little groups, who were chatting and discussing -the news of the day in the most unfeeling manner possible--just as -if no trial at all were coming on. - -A bow from Mr. Phunky, as he entered, and took his seat -behind the row appropriated to the King's Counsel, attracted -Mr. Pickwick's attention; and he had scarcely returned it, when -Mr. Serjeant Snubbin appeared, followed by Mr. Mallard, who -half hid the Serjeant behind a large crimson bag, which he -placed on his table, and, after shaking hands with Perker, withdrew. -Then there entered two or three more Serjeants; and among them, -one with a fat body and a red face, who nodded in a friendly -manner to Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, and said it was a fine morning. - -'Who's that red-faced man, who said it was a fine morning, -and nodded to our counsel?' whispered Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz,' replied Perker. 'He's opposed to us; he -leads on the other side. That gentleman behind him is Mr. -Skimpin, his junior.' - -Mr. Pickwick was on the point of inquiring, with great -abhorrence of the man's cold-blooded villainy, how Mr, Serjeant -Buzfuz, who was counsel for the opposite party, dared to presume -to tell Mr. Serjeant Snubbin, who was counsel for him, that it -was a fine morning, when he was interrupted by a general rising -of the barristers, and a loud cry of 'Silence!' from the officers of -the court. Looking round, he found that this was caused by the -entrance of the judge. - -Mr. Justice Stareleigh (who sat in the absence of the Chief -Justice, occasioned by indisposition) was a most particularly -short man, and so fat, that he seemed all face and waistcoat. He -rolled in, upon two little turned legs, and having bobbed gravely -to the Bar, who bobbed gravely to him, put his little legs underneath -his table, and his little three-cornered hat upon it; -and when Mr. Justice Stareleigh had done this, all you could -see of him was two queer little eyes, one broad pink face, -and somewhere about half of a big and very comical-looking wig. - -The judge had no sooner taken his seat, than the officer on the -floor of the court called out 'Silence!' in a commanding tone, -upon which another officer in the gallery cried 'Silence!' in an -angry manner, whereupon three or four more ushers shouted -'Silence!' in a voice of indignant remonstrance. This being done, -a gentleman in black, who sat below the judge, proceeded to call -over the names of the jury; and after a great deal of bawling, -it was discovered that only ten special jurymen were present. -Upon this, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz prayed a TALES; the gentleman -in black then proceeded to press into the special jury, two of the -common jurymen; and a greengrocer and a chemist were caught directly. - -'Answer to your names, gentlemen, that you may be sworn,' -said the gentleman in black. 'Richard Upwitch.' - -'Here,' said the greengrocer. - -'Thomas Groffin.' - -'Here,' said the chemist. - -'Take the book, gentlemen. You shall well and truly try--' - -'I beg this court's pardon,' said the chemist, who was a tall, thin, -yellow-visaged man, 'but I hope this court will excuse my attendance.' - -'On what grounds, Sir?' said Mr. Justice Stareleigh. - -'I have no assistant, my Lord,' said the chemist. - -'I can't help that, Sir,' replied Mr. Justice Stareleigh. 'You -should hire one.' - -'I can't afford it, my Lord,' rejoined the chemist. - -'Then you ought to be able to afford it, Sir,' said the judge, -reddening; for Mr. Justice Stareleigh's temper bordered on the -irritable, and brooked not contradiction. - -'I know I OUGHT to do, if I got on as well as I deserved; but I -don't, my Lord,' answered the chemist. - -'Swear the gentleman,' said the judge peremptorily. - -The officer had got no further than the 'You shall well and -truly try,' when he was again interrupted by the chemist. - -'I am to be sworn, my Lord, am I?' said the chemist. - -'Certainly, sir,' replied the testy little judge. - -'Very well, my Lord,' replied the chemist, in a resigned -manner. 'Then there'll be murder before this trial's over; that's -all. Swear me, if you please, Sir;' and sworn the chemist was, -before the judge could find words to utter. - -'I merely wanted to observe, my Lord,' said the chemist, -taking his seat with great deliberation, 'that I've left nobody but -an errand-boy in my shop. He is a very nice boy, my Lord, but -he is not acquainted with drugs; and I know that the prevailing -impression on his mind is, that Epsom salts means oxalic acid; -and syrup of senna, laudanum. That's all, my Lord.' With this, -the tall chemist composed himself into a comfortable attitude, -and, assuming a pleasant expression of countenance, appeared to -have prepared himself for the worst. - -Mr. Pickwick was regarding the chemist with feelings of the -deepest horror, when a slight sensation was perceptible in the -body of the court; and immediately afterwards Mrs. Bardell, -supported by Mrs. Cluppins, was led in, and placed, in a drooping -state, at the other end of the seat on which Mr. Pickwick sat. -An extra-sized umbrella was then handed in by Mr. Dodson, and -a pair of pattens by Mr. Fogg, each of whom had prepared a -most sympathising and melancholy face for the occasion. Mrs. -Sanders then appeared, leading in Master Bardell. At sight of -her child, Mrs. Bardell started; suddenly recollecting herself, she -kissed him in a frantic manner; then relapsing into a state of -hysterical imbecility, the good lady requested to be informed -where she was. In reply to this, Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders -turned their heads away and wept, while Messrs. Dodson and -Fogg entreated the plaintiff to compose herself. Serjeant Buzfuz -rubbed his eyes very hard with a large white handkerchief, and -gave an appealing look towards the jury, while the judge was -visibly affected, and several of the beholders tried to cough down -their emotion. - -'Very good notion that indeed,' whispered Perker to Mr. -Pickwick. 'Capital fellows those Dodson and Fogg; excellent -ideas of effect, my dear Sir, excellent.' - -As Perker spoke, Mrs. Bardell began to recover by slow -degrees, while Mrs. Cluppins, after a careful survey of Master -Bardell's buttons and the button-holes to which they severally -belonged, placed him on the floor of the court in front of his -mother--a commanding position in which he could not fail to -awaken the full commiseration and sympathy of both judge and -jury. This was not done without considerable opposition, and -many tears, on the part of the young gentleman himself, who had -certain inward misgivings that the placing him within the full -glare of the judge's eye was only a formal prelude to his being -immediately ordered away for instant execution, or for transportation -beyond the seas, during the whole term of his natural -life, at the very least. - -'Bardell and Pickwick,' cried the gentleman in black, calling -on the case, which stood first on the list. - -'I am for the plaintiff, my Lord,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Who is with you, Brother Buzfuz?' said the judge. Mr. -Skimpin bowed, to intimate that he was. - -'I appear for the defendant, my Lord,' said Mr. Serjeant Snubbin. - -'Anybody with you, Brother Snubbin?' inquired the court. - -'Mr. Phunky, my Lord,' replied Serjeant Snubbin. - -'Serjeant Buzfuz and Mr. Skimpin for the plaintiff,' said -the judge, writing down the names in his note-book, and reading -as he wrote; 'for the defendant, Serjeant Snubbin and Mr. Monkey.' - -'Beg your Lordship's pardon, Phunky.' - -'Oh, very good,' said the judge; 'I never had the pleasure of -hearing the gentleman's name before.' Here Mr. Phunky bowed -and smiled, and the judge bowed and smiled too, and then Mr. -Phunky, blushing into the very whites of his eyes, tried to look as -if he didn't know that everybody was gazing at him, a thing -which no man ever succeeded in doing yet, or in all reasonable -probability, ever will. - -'Go on,' said the judge. - -The ushers again called silence, and Mr. Skimpin proceeded -to 'open the case'; and the case appeared to have very little inside -it when he had opened it, for he kept such particulars as he -knew, completely to himself, and sat down, after a lapse of -three minutes, leaving the jury in precisely the same advanced -stage of wisdom as they were in before. - -Serjeant Buzfuz then rose with all the majesty and dignity -which the grave nature of the proceedings demanded, and -having whispered to Dodson, and conferred briefly with Fogg, -pulled his gown over his shoulders, settled his wig, and addressed -the jury. - -Serjeant Buzfuz began by saying, that never, in the whole -course of his professional experience--never, from the very first -moment of his applying himself to the study and practice of the -law--had he approached a case with feelings of such deep -emotion, or with such a heavy sense of the responsibility imposed -upon him--a responsibility, he would say, which he could never -have supported, were he not buoyed up and sustained by a conviction -so strong, that it amounted to positive certainty that the -cause of truth and justice, or, in other words, the cause of his -much-injured and most oppressed client, must prevail with the -high-minded and intelligent dozen of men whom he now saw in -that box before him. - -Counsel usually begin in this way, because it puts the jury on -the very best terms with themselves, and makes them think what -sharp fellows they must be. A visible effect was produced -immediately, several jurymen beginning to take voluminous notes -with the utmost eagerness. - -'You have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen,' continued -Serjeant Buzfuz, well knowing that, from the learned -friend alluded to, the gentlemen of the jury had heard just -nothing at all--'you have heard from my learned friend, gentlemen, -that this is an action for a breach of promise of marriage, -in which the damages are laid at #1,500. But you have not heard -from my learned friend, inasmuch as it did not come within my -learned friend's province to tell you, what are the facts and -circumstances of the case. Those facts and circumstances, -gentlemen, you shall hear detailed by me, and proved by -the unimpeachable female whom I will place in that box before you.' - -Here, Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, with a tremendous emphasis on -the word 'box,' smote his table with a mighty sound, and glanced -at Dodson and Fogg, who nodded admiration of the Serjeant, -and indignant defiance of the defendant. - -'The plaintiff, gentlemen,' continued Serjeant Buzfuz, in a soft -and melancholy voice, 'the plaintiff is a widow; yes, gentlemen, a -widow. The late Mr. Bardell, after enjoying, for many years, the -esteem and confidence of his sovereign, as one of the guardians -of his royal revenues, glided almost imperceptibly from the -world, to seek elsewhere for that repose and peace which a -custom-house can never afford.' -At this pathetic description of the decease of Mr. Bardell, who -had been knocked on the head with a quart-pot in a public-house -cellar, the learned serjeant's voice faltered, and he proceeded, -with emotion-- - -'Some time before his death, he had stamped his likeness upon -a little boy. With this little boy, the only pledge of her departed -exciseman, Mrs. Bardell shrank from the world, and courted the -retirement and tranquillity of Goswell Street; and here she -placed in her front parlour window a written placard, bearing -this inscription--"Apartments furnished for a single gentleman. -Inquire within."' Here Serjeant Buzfuz paused, while several -gentlemen of the jury took a note of the document. - -'There is no date to that, is there?' inquired a juror. -'There is no date, gentlemen,' replied Serjeant Buzfuz; 'but I -am instructed to say that it was put in the plaintiff's parlour -window just this time three years. I entreat the attention of the -jury to the wording of this document--"Apartments furnished -for a single gentleman"! Mrs. Bardell's opinions of the opposite -sex, gentlemen, were derived from a long contemplation of the -inestimable qualities of her lost husband. She had no fear, she -had no distrust, she had no suspicion; all was confidence and -reliance. "Mr. Bardell," said the widow--"Mr. Bardell was a -man of honour, Mr. Bardell was a man of his word, Mr. Bardell -was no deceiver, Mr. Bardell was once a single gentleman himself; -to single gentlemen I look for protection, for assistance, for -comfort, and for consolation; in single gentlemen I shall -perpetually see something to remind me of what Mr. Bardell was -when he first won my young and untried affections; to a single -gentleman, then, shall my lodgings be let." Actuated by this -beautiful and touching impulse (among the best impulses of our -imperfect nature, gentlemen), the lonely and desolate widow -dried her tears, furnished her first floor, caught her innocent boy -to her maternal bosom, and put the bill up in her parlour window. -Did it remain there long? No. The serpent was on the watch, the -train was laid, the mine was preparing, the sapper and miner was -at work. Before the bill had been in the parlour window three -days--three days, gentlemen--a being, erect upon two legs, and -bearing all the outward semblance of a man, and not of a -monster, knocked at the door of Mrs. Bardell's house. He -inquired within--he took the lodgings; and on the very next day -he entered into possession of them. This man was Pickwick-- -Pickwick, the defendant.' - -Serjeant Buzfuz, who had proceeded with such volubility that -his face was perfectly crimson, here paused for breath. The -silence awoke Mr. Justice Stareleigh, who immediately wrote -down something with a pen without any ink in it, and looked -unusually profound, to impress the jury with the belief that he -always thought most deeply with his eyes shut. Serjeant Buzfuz -proceeded-- - -'Of this man Pickwick I will say little; the subject presents but -few attractions; and I, gentlemen, am not the man, nor are you, -gentlemen, the men, to delight in the contemplation of revolting -heartlessness, and of systematic villainy.' - -Here Mr. Pickwick, who had been writhing in silence for some -time, gave a violent start, as if some vague idea of assaulting -Serjeant Buzfuz, in the august presence of justice and law, -suggested itself to his mind. An admonitory gesture from Perker -restrained him, and he listened to the learned gentleman's -continuation with a look of indignation, which contrasted -forcibly with the admiring faces of Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders. - -'I say systematic villainy, gentlemen,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, -looking through Mr. Pickwick, and talking AT him; 'and when I -say systematic villainy, let me tell the defendant Pickwick, if he -be in court, as I am informed he is, that it would have been more -decent in him, more becoming, in better judgment, and in better -taste, if he had stopped away. Let me tell him, gentlemen, that -any gestures of dissent or disapprobation in which he may -indulge in this court will not go down with you; that you will -know how to value and how to appreciate them; and let me tell him -further, as my Lord will tell you, gentlemen, that a counsel, in the -discharge of his duty to his client, is neither to be intimidated -nor bullied, nor put down; and that any attempt to do either -the one or the other, or the first, or the last, will recoil on the head -of the attempter, be he plaintiff or be he defendant, be his name -Pickwick, or Noakes, or Stoakes, or Stiles, or Brown, or Thompson.' - -This little divergence from the subject in hand, had, of course, -the intended effect of turning all eyes to Mr. Pickwick. Serjeant -Buzfuz, having partially recovered from the state of moral -elevation into which he had lashed himself, resumed-- - -'I shall show you, gentlemen, that for two years, Pickwick -continued to reside constantly, and without interruption or -intermission, at Mrs. Bardell's house. I shall show you that -Mrs. Bardell, during the whole of that time, waited on him, -attended to his comforts, cooked his meals, looked out his linen -for the washerwoman when it went abroad, darned, aired, and -prepared it for wear, when it came home, and, in short, enjoyed -his fullest trust and confidence. I shall show you that, on many -occasions, he gave halfpence, and on some occasions even sixpences, -to her little boy; and I shall prove to you, by a witness -whose testimony it will be impossible for my learned friend to -weaken or controvert, that on one occasion he patted the boy on -the head, and, after inquiring whether he had won any "ALLEY -TORS" or "COMMONEYS" lately (both of which I understand to be a -particular species of marbles much prized by the youth of this -town), made use of this remarkable expression, "How should you -like to have another father?" I shall prove to you, gentlemen, -that about a year ago, Pickwick suddenly began to absent himself -from home, during long intervals, as if with the intention of -gradually breaking off from my client; but I shall show you also, -that his resolution was not at that time sufficiently strong, or that -his better feelings conquered, if better feelings he has, or that the -charms and accomplishments of my client prevailed against his -unmanly intentions, by proving to you, that on one occasion, -when he returned from the country, he distinctly and in terms, -offered her marriage: previously, however, taking special care -that there would be no witness to their solemn contract; and I -am in a situation to prove to you, on the testimony of three of -his own friends--most unwilling witnesses, gentlemen--most -unwilling witnesses--that on that morning he was discovered by -them holding the plaintiff in his arms, and soothing her agitation -by his caresses and endearments.' - -A visible impression was produced upon the auditors by this -part of the learned Serjeant's address. Drawing forth two very -small scraps of paper, he proceeded-- -'And now, gentlemen, but one word more. Two letters have -passed between these parties, letters which are admitted to be in -the handwriting of the defendant, and which speak volumes, -indeed. The letters, too, bespeak the character of the man. They -are not open, fervent, eloquent epistles, breathing nothing but -the language of affectionate attachment. They are covert, sly, -underhanded communications, but, fortunately, far more conclusive -than if couched in the most glowing language and the -most poetic imagery--letters that must be viewed with a cautious -and suspicious eye--letters that were evidently intended at the -time, by Pickwick, to mislead and delude any third parties into -whose hands they might fall. Let me read the first: "Garraways, -twelve o'clock. Dear Mrs. B.--Chops and tomato sauce. Yours, -PICKWICK." Gentlemen, what does this mean? Chops and tomato -sauce. Yours, Pickwick! Chops! Gracious heavens! and tomato -sauce! Gentlemen, is the happiness of a sensitive and confiding -female to be trifled away, by such shallow artifices as these? The -next has no date whatever, which is in itself suspicious. "Dear -Mrs. B., I shall not be at home till to-morrow. Slow coach." -And then follows this very remarkable expression. "Don't trouble -yourself about the warming-pan." The warming-pan! Why, -gentlemen, who DOES trouble himself about a warming-pan? -When was the peace of mind of man or woman broken or disturbed -by a warming-pan, which is in itself a harmless, a useful, -and I will add, gentlemen, a comforting article of domestic -furniture? Why is Mrs. Bardell so earnestly entreated not to -agitate herself about this warming-pan, unless (as is no doubt the -case) it is a mere cover for hidden fire--a mere substitute for -some endearing word or promise, agreeably to a preconcerted -system of correspondence, artfully contrived by Pickwick with a -view to his contemplated desertion, and which I am not in a -condition to explain? And what does this allusion to the slow -coach mean? For aught I know, it may be a reference to Pickwick -himself, who has most unquestionably been a criminally slow -coach during the whole of this transaction, but whose speed will -now be very unexpectedly accelerated, and whose wheels, -gentlemen, as he will find to his cost, will very soon be greased -by you!' - -Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz paused in this place, to see whether the -jury smiled at his joke; but as nobody took it but the greengrocer, -whose sensitiveness on the subject was very probably occasioned -by his having subjected a chaise-cart to the process in question -on that identical morning, the learned Serjeant considered it -advisable to undergo a slight relapse into the dismals before he -concluded. - -'But enough of this, gentlemen,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz, 'it -is difficult to smile with an aching heart; it is ill jesting when our -deepest sympathies are awakened. My client's hopes and prospects -are ruined, and it is no figure of speech to say that her occupation -is gone indeed. The bill is down--but there is no tenant. Eligible -single gentlemen pass and repass-but there is no invitation for -to inquire within or without. All is gloom and silence in the -house; even the voice of the child is hushed; his infant sports are -disregarded when his mother weeps; his "alley tors" and his -"commoneys" are alike neglected; he forgets the long familiar -cry of "knuckle down," and at tip-cheese, or odd and even, his -hand is out. But Pickwick, gentlemen, Pickwick, the ruthless -destroyer of this domestic oasis in the desert of Goswell Street-- -Pickwick who has choked up the well, and thrown ashes on the -sward--Pickwick, who comes before you to-day with his heartless -tomato sauce and warming-pans--Pickwick still rears his head -with unblushing effrontery, and gazes without a sigh on the ruin -he has made. Damages, gentlemen--heavy damages is the only -punishment with which you can visit him; the only recompense -you can award to my client. And for those damages she now -appeals to an enlightened, a high-minded, a right-feeling, a -conscientious, a dispassionate, a sympathising, a contemplative jury -of her civilised countrymen.' With this beautiful peroration, -Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz sat down, and Mr. Justice Stareleigh -woke up. - -'Call Elizabeth Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, rising a -minute afterwards, with renewed vigour. - -The nearest usher called for Elizabeth Tuppins; another one, -at a little distance off, demanded Elizabeth Jupkins; and a third -rushed in a breathless state into King Street, and screamed for -Elizabeth Muffins till he was hoarse. - -Meanwhile Mrs. Cluppins, with the combined assistance of -Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, Mr. Dodson, and Mr. Fogg, was -hoisted into the witness-box; and when she was safely perched -on the top step, Mrs. Bardell stood on the bottom one, with the -pocket-handkerchief and pattens in one hand, and a glass bottle -that might hold about a quarter of a pint of smelling-salts in the -other, ready for any emergency. Mrs. Sanders, whose eyes were -intently fixed on the judge's face, planted herself close by, with -the large umbrella, keeping her right thumb pressed on the spring -with an earnest countenance, as if she were fully prepared to put -it up at a moment's notice. - -'Mrs. Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, 'pray compose yourself, -ma'am.' Of course, directly Mrs. Cluppins was desired to compose -herself, she sobbed with increased vehemence, and gave -divers alarming manifestations of an approaching fainting fit, -or, as she afterwards said, of her feelings being too many for her. - -'Do you recollect, Mrs. Cluppins,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, after -a few unimportant questions--'do you recollect being in Mrs. -Bardell's back one pair of stairs, on one particular morning in -July last, when she was dusting Pickwick's apartment?' - -'Yes, my Lord and jury, I do,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Mr. Pickwick's sitting-room was the first-floor front, I believe?' - -'Yes, it were, Sir,' replied Mrs. Cluppins. - -'What were you doing in the back room, ma'am?' inquired the -little judge. - -'My Lord and jury,' said Mrs. Cluppins, with interesting -agitation, 'I will not deceive you.' - -'You had better not, ma'am,' said the little judge. - -'I was there,' resumed Mrs. Cluppins, 'unbeknown to Mrs. -Bardell; I had been out with a little basket, gentlemen, to buy -three pound of red kidney pertaties, which was three pound -tuppence ha'penny, when I see Mrs. Bardell's street door on the jar.' - -'On the what?' exclaimed the little judge. - -'Partly open, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin. - -'She said on the jar,' said the little judge, with a cunning look. - -'It's all the same, my Lord,' said Serjeant Snubbin. The little -judge looked doubtful, and said he'd make a note of it. Mrs. -Cluppins then resumed-- - -'I walked in, gentlemen, just to say good-mornin', and went, in -a permiscuous manner, upstairs, and into the back room. Gentlemen, -there was the sound of voices in the front room, and--' - -'And you listened, I believe, Mrs. Cluppins?' said Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Beggin' your pardon, Sir,' replied Mrs. Cluppins, in a majestic -manner, 'I would scorn the haction. The voices was very loud, -Sir, and forced themselves upon my ear,' - -'Well, Mrs. Cluppins, you were not listening, but you heard -the voices. Was one of those voices Pickwick's?' - -'Yes, it were, Sir.' -And Mrs. Cluppins, after distinctly stating that Mr. Pickwick -addressed himself to Mrs. Bardell, repeated by slow degrees, and -by dint of many questions, the conversation with which our -readers are already acquainted. - -The jury looked suspicious, and Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz smiled -as he sat down. They looked positively awful when Serjeant -Snubbin intimated that he should not cross-examine the witness, -for Mr. Pickwick wished it to be distinctly stated that it was due -to her to say, that her account was in substance correct. - -Mrs. Cluppins having once broken the ice, thought it a -favourable opportunity for entering into a short dissertation on -her own domestic affairs; so she straightway proceeded to inform -the court that she was the mother of eight children at that present -speaking, and that she entertained confident expectations of -presenting Mr. Cluppins with a ninth, somewhere about that day -six months. At this interesting point, the little judge interposed -most irascibly; and the effect of the interposition was, that both -the worthy lady and Mrs. Sanders were politely taken out of -court, under the escort of Mr. Jackson, without further parley. - -'Nathaniel Winkle!' said Mr. Skimpin. - -'Here!' replied a feeble voice. Mr. Winkle entered the witness- -box, and having been duly sworn, bowed to the judge with -considerable deference. - -'Don't look at me, Sir,' said the judge sharply, in acknowledgment -of the salute; 'look at the jury.' - -Mr. Winkle obeyed the mandate, and looked at the place -where he thought it most probable the jury might be; for seeing -anything in his then state of intellectual complication was wholly -out of the question. - -Mr. Winkle was then examined by Mr. Skimpin, who, being -a promising young man of two or three-and-forty, was of course -anxious to confuse a witness who was notoriously predisposed in -favour of the other side, as much as he could. - -'Now, Sir,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'have the goodness to let his -Lordship know what your name is, will you?' and Mr. Skimpin -inclined his head on one side to listen with great sharpness to the -answer, and glanced at the jury meanwhile, as if to imply that he -rather expected Mr. Winkle's natural taste for perjury would -induce him to give some name which did not belong to him. - -'Winkle,' replied the witness. - -'What's your Christian name, Sir?' angrily inquired the little judge. - -'Nathaniel, Sir.' - -'Daniel--any other name?' - -'Nathaniel, sir--my Lord, I mean.' - -'Nathaniel Daniel, or Daniel Nathaniel?' - -'No, my Lord, only Nathaniel--not Daniel at all.' - -'What did you tell me it was Daniel for, then, sir?' inquired the judge. - -'I didn't, my Lord,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'You did, Sir,' replied the judge, with a severe frown. 'How -could I have got Daniel on my notes, unless you told me so, Sir?' -This argument was, of course, unanswerable. - -'Mr. Winkle has rather a short memory, my Lord,' interposed -Mr. Skimpin, with another glance at the jury. 'We shall find -means to refresh it before we have quite done with him, I dare say.' - -'You had better be careful, Sir,' said the little judge, with a -sinister look at the witness. - -Poor Mr. Winkle bowed, and endeavoured to feign an easiness -of manner, which, in his then state of confusion, gave him rather -the air of a disconcerted pickpocket. - -'Now, Mr. Winkle,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'attend to me, if you -please, Sir; and let me recommend you, for your own sake, to -bear in mind his Lordship's injunctions to be careful. I believe -you are a particular friend of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant, are -you not?' - -'I have known Mr. Pickwick now, as well as I recollect at this -moment, nearly--' - -'Pray, Mr. Winkle, do not evade the question. Are you, or are -you not, a particular friend of the defendant's?' - -'I was just about to say, that--' - -'Will you, or will you not, answer my question, Sir?' -'If you don't answer the question, you'll be committed, Sir,' -interposed the little judge, looking over his note-book. - -'Come, Sir,' said Mr. Skimpin, 'yes or no, if you please.' - -'Yes, I am,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Yes, you are. And why couldn't you say that at once, Sir? -Perhaps you know the plaintiff too? Eh, Mr. Winkle?' - -'I don't know her; I've seen her.' - -'Oh, you don't know her, but you've seen her? Now, have the -goodness to tell the gentlemen of the jury what you mean by that, -Mr. Winkle.' - -'I mean that I am not intimate with her, but I have seen her -when I went to call on Mr. Pickwick, in Goswell Street.' - -'How often have you seen her, Sir?' - -'How often?' - -'Yes, Mr. Winkle, how often? I'll repeat the question for you -a dozen times, if you require it, Sir.' And the learned gentleman, -with a firm and steady frown, placed his hands on his hips, and -smiled suspiciously to the jury. - -On this question there arose the edifying brow-beating, -customary on such points. First of all, Mr. Winkle said it was -quite impossible for him to say how many times he had seen -Mrs. Bardell. Then he was asked if he had seen her twenty times, -to which he replied, 'Certainly--more than that.' Then he was -asked whether he hadn't seen her a hundred times--whether he -couldn't swear that he had seen her more than fifty times-- -whether he didn't know that he had seen her at least seventy-five -times, and so forth; the satisfactory conclusion which was arrived -at, at last, being, that he had better take care of himself, and -mind what he was about. The witness having been by these -means reduced to the requisite ebb of nervous perplexity, the -examination was continued as follows-- - -'Pray, Mr. Winkle, do you remember calling on the defendant -Pickwick at these apartments in the plaintiff's house in Goswell -Street, on one particular morning, in the month of July last?' - -'Yes, I do.' - -'Were you accompanied on that occasion by a friend of the -name of Tupman, and another by the name of Snodgrass?' - -'Yes, I was.' - -'Are they here?' -'Yes, they are,' replied Mr. Winkle, looking very earnestly -towards the spot where his friends were stationed. - -'Pray attend to me, Mr. Winkle, and never mind your friends,' -said Mr. Skimpin, with another expressive look at the jury. -'They must tell their stories without any previous consultation -with you, if none has yet taken place (another look at the jury). -Now, Sir, tell the gentlemen of the jury what you saw on entering -the defendant's room, on this particular morning. Come; out -with it, Sir; we must have it, sooner or later.' - -'The defendant, Mr. Pickwick, was holding the plaintiff in his -arms, with his hands clasping her waist,' replied Mr. Winkle with -natural hesitation, 'and the plaintiff appeared to have fainted away.' - -'Did you hear the defendant say anything?' - -'I heard him call Mrs. Bardell a good creature, and I heard him -ask her to compose herself, for what a situation it was, if anybody -should come, or words to that effect.' - -'Now, Mr. Winkle, I have only one more question to ask you, -and I beg you to bear in mind his Lordship's caution. Will you -undertake to swear that Pickwick, the defendant, did not say on -the occasion in question--"My dear Mrs. Bardell, you're a good -creature; compose yourself to this situation, for to this situation -you must come," or words to that effect?' - -'I--I didn't understand him so, certainly,' said Mr. Winkle, -astounded on this ingenious dove-tailing of the few words he had -heard. 'I was on the staircase, and couldn't hear distinctly; the -impression on my mind is--' - -'The gentlemen of the jury want none of the impressions on -your mind, Mr. Winkle, which I fear would be of little service to -honest, straightforward men,' interposed Mr. Skimpin. 'You -were on the staircase, and didn't distinctly hear; but you will not -swear that Pickwick did not make use of the expressions I have -quoted? Do I understand that?' - -'No, I will not,' replied Mr. Winkle; and down sat Mr. -Skimpin with a triumphant countenance. - -Mr. Pickwick's case had not gone off in so particularly happy -a manner, up to this point, that it could very well afford to have -any additional suspicion cast upon it. But as it could afford to -be placed in a rather better light, if possible, Mr. Phunky rose for -the purpose of getting something important out of Mr. Winkle in -cross-examination. Whether he did get anything important out -of him, will immediately appear. - -'I believe, Mr. Winkle,' said Mr. Phunky, 'that Mr. Pickwick -is not a young man?' - -'Oh, no,' replied Mr. Winkle; 'old enough to be my father.' - -'You have told my learned friend that you have known Mr. -Pickwick a long time. Had you ever any reason to suppose or -believe that he was about to be married?' - -'Oh, no; certainly not;' replied Mr. Winkle with so much -eagerness, that Mr. Phunky ought to have got him out of the box -with all possible dispatch. Lawyers hold that there are two kinds -of particularly bad witnesses--a reluctant witness, and a too-willing -witness; it was Mr. Winkle's fate to figure in both characters. - -'I will even go further than this, Mr. Winkle,' continued -Mr. Phunky, in a most smooth and complacent manner. 'Did -you ever see anything in Mr. Pickwick's manner and conduct -towards the opposite sex, to induce you to believe that he ever -contemplated matrimony of late years, in any case?' - -'Oh, no; certainly not,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Has his behaviour, when females have been in the case, always -been that of a man, who, having attained a pretty advanced period -of life, content with his own occupations and amusements, -treats them only as a father might his daughters?' - -'Not the least doubt of it,' replied Mr. Winkle, in the fulness of -his heart. 'That is--yes--oh, yes--certainly.' - -'You have never known anything in his behaviour towards -Mrs. Bardell, or any other female, in the least degree suspicious?' -said Mr. Phunky, preparing to sit down; for Serjeant Snubbin -was winking at him. - -'N-n-no,' replied Mr. Winkle, 'except on one trifling -occasion, which, I have no doubt, might be easily explained.' - -Now, if the unfortunate Mr. Phunky had sat down when -Serjeant Snubbin had winked at him, or if Serjeant Buzfuz had -stopped this irregular cross-examination at the outset (which he -knew better than to do; observing Mr. Winkle's anxiety, and -well knowing it would, in all probability, lead to something -serviceable to him), this unfortunate admission would not have -been elicited. The moment the words fell from Mr. Winkle's lips, -Mr. Phunky sat down, and Serjeant Snubbin rather hastily -told him he might leave the box, which Mr. Winkle prepared -to do with great readiness, when Serjeant Buzfuz stopped him. - -'Stay, Mr. Winkle, stay!' said Serjeant Buzfuz, 'will your -Lordship have the goodness to ask him, what this one instance of -suspicious behaviour towards females on the part of this gentleman, -who is old enough to be his father, was?' - -'You hear what the learned counsel says, Sir,' observed the -judge, turning to the miserable and agonised Mr. Winkle. -'Describe the occasion to which you refer.' - -'My Lord,' said Mr. Winkle, trembling with anxiety, 'I--I'd -rather not.' - -'Perhaps so,' said the little judge; 'but you must.' - -Amid the profound silence of the whole court, Mr. Winkle -faltered out, that the trifling circumstance of suspicion was Mr. -Pickwick's being found in a lady's sleeping-apartment at midnight; -which had terminated, he believed, in the breaking off of -the projected marriage of the lady in question, and had led, he -knew, to the whole party being forcibly carried before George -Nupkins, Esq., magistrate and justice of the peace, for the -borough of Ipswich! - -'You may leave the box, Sir,' said Serjeant Snubbin. Mr. -Winkle did leave the box, and rushed with delirious haste to the -George and Vulture, where he was discovered some hours after, -by the waiter, groaning in a hollow and dismal manner, with his -head buried beneath the sofa cushions. - -Tracy Tupman, and Augustus Snodgrass, were severally called -into the box; both corroborated the testimony of their unhappy -friend; and each was driven to the verge of desperation by -excessive badgering. -Susannah Sanders was then called, and examined by Serjeant -Buzfuz, and cross-examined by Serjeant Snubbin. Had always -said and believed that Pickwick would marry Mrs. Bardell; knew -that Mrs. Bardell's being engaged to Pickwick was the current -topic of conversation in the neighbourhood, after the fainting in -July; had been told it herself by Mrs. Mudberry which kept a -mangle, and Mrs. Bunkin which clear-starched, but did not see -either Mrs. Mudberry or Mrs. Bunkin in court. Had heard -Pickwick ask the little boy how he should like to have another -father. Did not know that Mrs. Bardell was at that time keeping -company with the baker, but did know that the baker was then a -single man and is now married. Couldn't swear that Mrs. -Bardell was not very fond of the baker, but should think that the -baker was not very fond of Mrs. Bardell, or he wouldn't have -married somebody else. Thought Mrs. Bardell fainted away on -the morning in July, because Pickwick asked her to name the day: -knew that she (witness) fainted away stone dead when Mr. -Sanders asked her to name the day, and believed that everybody as -called herself a lady would do the same, under similar circumstances. -Heard Pickwick ask the boy the question about the marbles, but upon -her oath did not know the difference between an 'alley tor' -and a 'commoney.' - -By the COURT.--During the period of her keeping company -with Mr. Sanders, had received love letters, like other ladies. In -the course of their correspondence Mr. Sanders had often called -her a 'duck,' but never 'chops,' nor yet 'tomato sauce.' He was -particularly fond of ducks. Perhaps if he had been as fond of -chops and tomato sauce, he might have called her that, as a -term of affection. - -Serjeant Buzfuz now rose with more importance than he had -yet exhibited, if that were possible, and vociferated; 'Call Samuel -Weller.' - -It was quite unnecessary to call Samuel Weller; for Samuel -Weller stepped briskly into the box the instant his name was -pronounced; and placing his hat on the floor, and his arms on -the rail, took a bird's-eye view of the Bar, and a comprehensive -survey of the Bench, with a remarkably cheerful and lively aspect. -'What's your name, sir?' inquired the judge. - -'Sam Weller, my Lord,' replied that gentleman. - -'Do you spell it with a "V" or a "W"?' inquired the judge. - -'That depends upon the taste and fancy of the speller, my -Lord,' replied Sam; 'I never had occasion to spell it more than -once or twice in my life, but I spells it with a "V." ' - -Here a voice in the gallery exclaimed aloud, 'Quite right too, -Samivel, quite right. Put it down a "we," my Lord, put it down -a "we."' -'Who is that, who dares address the court?' said the little -judge, looking up. 'Usher.' - -'Yes, my Lord.' - -'Bring that person here instantly.' - -'Yes, my Lord.' - -But as the usher didn't find the person, he didn't bring him; -and, after a great commotion, all the people who had got up to -look for the culprit, sat down again. The little judge turned to the -witness as soon as his indignation would allow him to speak, and -said-- - -'Do you know who that was, sir?' - -'I rayther suspect it was my father, my lord,' replied Sam. - -'Do you see him here now?' said the judge. - -'No, I don't, my Lord,' replied Sam, staring right up into the -lantern at the roof of the court. - -'If you could have pointed him out, I would have committed -him instantly,' said the judge. -Sam bowed his acknowledgments and turned, with unimpaired -cheerfulness of countenance, towards Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Now, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Now, sir,' replied Sam. - -'I believe you are in the service of Mr. Pickwick, the defendant -in this case? Speak up, if you please, Mr. Weller.' - -'I mean to speak up, Sir,' replied Sam; 'I am in the service o' -that 'ere gen'l'man, and a wery good service it is.' - -'Little to do, and plenty to get, I suppose?' said Serjeant -Buzfuz, with jocularity. -'Oh, quite enough to get, Sir, as the soldier said ven they -ordered him three hundred and fifty lashes,' replied Sam. - -'You must not tell us what the soldier, or any other man, said, -Sir,' interposed the judge; 'it's not evidence.' - -'Wery good, my Lord,' replied Sam. - -'Do you recollect anything particular happening on the -morning when you were first engaged by the defendant; eh, -Mr. Weller?' said Serjeant Buzfuz. - -'Yes, I do, sir,' replied Sam. - -'Have the goodness to tell the jury what it was.' - -'I had a reg'lar new fit out o' clothes that mornin', gen'l'men -of the jury,' said Sam, 'and that was a wery partickler and -uncommon circumstance vith me in those days.' - -Hereupon there was a general laugh; and the little judge, -looking with an angry countenance over his desk, said, 'You had -better be careful, Sir.' - -'So Mr. Pickwick said at the time, my Lord,' replied Sam; 'and -I was wery careful o' that 'ere suit o' clothes; wery careful indeed, -my Lord.' - -The judge looked sternly at Sam for full two minutes, but -Sam's features were so perfectly calm and serene that the judge -said nothing, and motioned Serjeant Buzfuz to proceed. - -'Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, -folding his arms emphatically, and turning half-round to -the jury, as if in mute assurance that he would bother the -witness yet--'do you mean to tell me, Mr. Weller, that you saw -nothing of this fainting on the part of the plaintiff in the arms of -the defendant, which you have heard described by the witnesses?' -'Certainly not,' replied Sam; 'I was in the passage till they -called me up, and then the old lady was not there.' - -'Now, attend, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, dipping a -large pen into the inkstand before him, for the purpose of -frightening Sam with a show of taking down his answer. 'You -were in the passage, and yet saw nothing of what was going -forward. Have you a pair of eyes, Mr. Weller?' - -'Yes, I have a pair of eyes,' replied Sam, 'and that's just it. If -they wos a pair o' patent double million magnifyin' gas microscopes -of hextra power, p'raps I might be able to see through a -flight o' stairs and a deal door; but bein' only eyes, you see, my -wision 's limited.' - -At this answer, which was delivered without the slightest -appearance of irritation, and with the most complete simplicity -and equanimity of manner, the spectators tittered, the little judge -smiled, and Serjeant Buzfuz looked particularly foolish. After a -short consultation with Dodson & Fogg, the learned Serjeant -again turned towards Sam, and said, with a painful effort to -conceal his vexation, 'Now, Mr. Weller, I'll ask you a question -on another point, if you please.' - -'If you please, Sir,' rejoined Sam, with the utmost good-humour. - -'Do you remember going up to Mrs. Bardell's house, one -night in November last?' -'Oh, yes, wery well.' - -'Oh, you do remember that, Mr. Weller,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, -recovering his spirits; 'I thought we should get at something at last.' - -'I rayther thought that, too, sir,' replied Sam; and at this the -spectators tittered again. - -'Well; I suppose you went up to have a little talk about this -trial--eh, Mr. Weller?' said Serjeant Buzfuz, looking knowingly -at the jury. - -'I went up to pay the rent; but we did get a-talkin' about the -trial,' replied Sam. - -'Oh, you did get a-talking about the trial,' said Serjeant -Buzfuz, brightening up with the anticipation of some important -discovery. 'Now, what passed about the trial; will you have the -goodness to tell us, Mr. Weller'?' - -'Vith all the pleasure in life, sir,' replied Sam. 'Arter a few -unimportant obserwations from the two wirtuous females as has -been examined here to-day, the ladies gets into a very great state -o' admiration at the honourable conduct of Mr. Dodson and -Fogg--them two gen'l'men as is settin' near you now.' This, of -course, drew general attention to Dodson & Fogg, who looked -as virtuous as possible. - -'The attorneys for the plaintiff,' said Mr. Serjeant Buzfuz. -'Well! They spoke in high praise of the honourable conduct of -Messrs. Dodson and Fogg, the attorneys for the plaintiff, did they?' - -'Yes,' said Sam, 'they said what a wery gen'rous thing it was -o' them to have taken up the case on spec, and to charge nothing -at all for costs, unless they got 'em out of Mr. Pickwick.' - -At this very unexpected reply, the spectators tittered again, and -Dodson & Fogg, turning very red, leaned over to Serjeant -Buzfuz, and in a hurried manner whispered something in his ear. - -'You are quite right,' said Serjeant Buzfuz aloud, with affected -composure. 'It's perfectly useless, my Lord, attempting to get at -any evidence through the impenetrable stupidity of this witness. -I will not trouble the court by asking him any more questions. -Stand down, sir.' - -'Would any other gen'l'man like to ask me anythin'?' inquired -Sam, taking up his hat, and looking round most deliberately. - -'Not I, Mr. Weller, thank you,' said Serjeant Snubbin, laughing. - -'You may go down, sir,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, waving his hand -impatiently. Sam went down accordingly, after doing Messrs. -Dodson & Fogg's case as much harm as he conveniently -could, and saying just as little respecting Mr. Pickwick as -might be, which was precisely the object he had had in view all along. - -'I have no objection to admit, my Lord,' said Serjeant -Snubbin, 'if it will save the examination of another witness, that -Mr. Pickwick has retired from business, and is a gentleman of -considerable independent property.' - -'Very well,' said Serjeant Buzfuz, putting in the two letters to -be read, 'then that's my case, my Lord.' - -Serjeant Snubbin then addressed the jury on behalf of the -defendant; and a very long and a very emphatic address he -delivered, in which he bestowed the highest possible eulogiums -on the conduct and character of Mr. Pickwick; but inasmuch as -our readers are far better able to form a correct estimate of that -gentleman's merits and deserts, than Serjeant Snubbin could -possibly be, we do not feel called upon to enter at any length into -the learned gentleman's observations. He attempted to show -that the letters which had been exhibited, merely related -to Mr. Pickwick's dinner, or to the preparations for receiving -him in his apartments on his return from some country excursion. -It is sufficient to add in general terms, that he did the -best he could for Mr. Pickwick; and the best, as everybody -knows, on the infallible authority of the old adage, could do -no more. - -Mr. Justice Stareleigh summed up, in the old-established and -most approved form. He read as much of his notes to the jury as -he could decipher on so short a notice, and made running- -comments on the evidence as he went along. If Mrs. Bardell were -right, it was perfectly clear that Mr. Pickwick was wrong, and if -they thought the evidence of Mrs. Cluppins worthy of credence -they would believe it, and, if they didn't, why, they wouldn't. If -they were satisfied that a breach of promise of marriage had been -committed they would find for the plaintiff with such damages as -they thought proper; and if, on the other hand, it appeared to -them that no promise of marriage had ever been given, they -would find for the defendant with no damages at all. The jury -then retired to their private room to talk the matter over, and the -judge retired to HIS private room, to refresh himself with a mutton -chop and a glass of sherry. -An anxious quarter of a hour elapsed; the jury came back; the -judge was fetched in. Mr. Pickwick put on his spectacles, and -gazed at the foreman with an agitated countenance and a -quickly-beating heart. - -'Gentlemen,' said the individual in black, 'are you all agreed -upon your verdict?' - -'We are,' replied the foreman. - -'Do you find for the plaintiff, gentlemen, or for the defendant?' -'For the plaintiff.' - -'With what damages, gentlemen?' - -'Seven hundred and fifty pounds.' - -Mr. Pickwick took off his spectacles, carefully wiped the -glasses, folded them into their case, and put them in his pocket; -then, having drawn on his gloves with great nicety, and stared at -the foreman all the while, he mechanically followed Mr. Perker -and the blue bag out of court. - -They stopped in a side room while Perker paid the court fees; -and here, Mr. Pickwick was joined by his friends. Here, too, he -encountered Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, rubbing their hands with -every token of outward satisfaction. - -'Well, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, Sir,' said Dodson, for self and partner. - -'You imagine you'll get your costs, don't you, gentlemen?' -said Mr. Pickwick. - -Fogg said they thought it rather probable. Dodson smiled, and -said they'd try. - -'You may try, and try, and try again, Messrs. Dodson and -Fogg,' said Mr. Pickwick vehemently,'but not one farthing of -costs or damages do you ever get from me, if I spend the rest of -my existence in a debtor's prison.' - -'Ha! ha!' laughed Dodson. 'You'll think better of that, before -next term, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'He, he, he! We'll soon see about that, Mr. Pickwick,' grinned Fogg. - -Speechless with indignation, Mr. Pickwick allowed himself to -be led by his solicitor and friends to the door, and there assisted -into a hackney-coach, which had been fetched for the purpose, -by the ever-watchful Sam Weller. - -Sam had put up the steps, and was preparing to jump upon the -box, when he felt himself gently touched on the shoulder; and, -looking round, his father stood before him. The old gentleman's -countenance wore a mournful expression, as he shook his head -gravely, and said, in warning accents-- - -'I know'd what 'ud come o' this here mode o' doin' bisness. -Oh, Sammy, Sammy, vy worn't there a alleybi!' - - - -CHAPTER XXXV -IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK THINKS HE HAD BETTER GO TO - BATH; AND GOES ACCORDINGLY - - -'But surely, my dear sir,' said little Perker, as he stood in Mr. -Pickwick's apartment on the morning after the trial, 'surely you -don't really mean--really and seriously now, and irritation -apart--that you won't pay these costs and damages?' - -'Not one halfpenny,' said Mr. Pickwick firmly; 'not one halfpenny.' - -'Hooroar for the principle, as the money-lender said ven he -vouldn't renew the bill,' observed Mr. Weller, who was clearing -away the breakfast-things. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'have the goodness to step downstairs.' - -'Cert'nly, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; and acting on Mr. Pickwick's -gentle hint, Sam retired. - -'No, Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great seriousness of -manner, 'my friends here have endeavoured to dissuade me from -this determination, but without avail. I shall employ myself as -usual, until the opposite party have the power of issuing a legal -process of execution against me; and if they are vile enough to -avail themselves of it, and to arrest my person, I shall yield -myself up with perfect cheerfulness and content of heart. When -can they do this?' - -'They can issue execution, my dear Sir, for the amount of the -damages and taxed costs, next term,' replied Perker, 'just two -months hence, my dear sir.' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Until that time, my dear -fellow, let me hear no more of the matter. And now,' continued -Mr. Pickwick, looking round on his friends with a good- -humoured smile, and a sparkle in the eye which no spectacles -could dim or conceal, 'the only question is, Where shall we go next?' - -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass were too much affected by -their friend's heroism to offer any reply. Mr. Winkle had not yet -sufficiently recovered the recollection of his evidence at the trial, -to make any observation on any subject, so Mr. Pickwick paused -in vain. - -'Well,' said that gentleman, 'if you leave me to suggest our -destination, I say Bath. I think none of us have ever been there.' - -Nobody had; and as the proposition was warmly seconded by -Perker, who considered it extremely probable that if Mr. Pickwick -saw a little change and gaiety he would be inclined to think -better of his determination, and worse of a debtor's prison, it was -carried unanimously; and Sam was at once despatched to the -White Horse Cellar, to take five places by the half-past seven -o'clock coach, next morning. - -There were just two places to be had inside, and just three to -be had out; so Sam Weller booked for them all, and having -exchanged a few compliments with the booking-office clerk on -the subject of a pewter half-crown which was tendered him as a -portion of his 'change,' walked back to the George and Vulture, -where he was pretty busily employed until bed-time in reducing -clothes and linen into the smallest possible compass, and exerting -his mechanical genius in constructing a variety of ingenious -devices for keeping the lids on boxes which had neither locks nor hinges. - -The next was a very unpropitious morning for a journey-- -muggy, damp, and drizzly. The horses in the stages that were -going out, and had come through the city, were smoking so, that -the outside passengers were invisible. The newspaper-sellers -looked moist, and smelled mouldy; the wet ran off the hats of -the orange-vendors as they thrust their heads into the coach -windows, and diluted the insides in a refreshing manner. The -Jews with the fifty-bladed penknives shut them up in despair; the -men with the pocket-books made pocket-books of them. Watch- -guards and toasting-forks were alike at a discount, and pencil- -cases and sponges were a drug in the market. - -Leaving Sam Weller to rescue the luggage from the seven or -eight porters who flung themselves savagely upon it, the moment -the coach stopped, and finding that they were about twenty -minutes too early, Mr. Pickwick and his friends went for shelter -into the travellers' room--the last resource of human dejection. - -The travellers' room at the White Horse Cellar is of course -uncomfortable; it would be no travellers' room if it were not. It -is the right-hand parlour, into which an aspiring kitchen fireplace -appears to have walked, accompanied by a rebellious poker, -tongs, and shovel. It is divided into boxes, for the solitary confinement -of travellers, and is furnished with a clock, a looking-glass, -and a live waiter, which latter article is kept in a small kennel -for washing glasses, in a corner of the apartment. - -One of these boxes was occupied, on this particular occasion, -by a stern-eyed man of about five-and-forty, who had a bald and -glossy forehead, with a good deal of black hair at the sides and -back of his head, and large black whiskers. He was buttoned up -to the chin in a brown coat; and had a large sealskin travelling- -cap, and a greatcoat and cloak, lying on the seat beside him. He -looked up from his breakfast as Mr. Pickwick entered, with a -fierce and peremptory air, which was very dignified; and, having -scrutinised that gentleman and his companions to his entire -satisfaction, hummed a tune, in a manner which seemed to say -that he rather suspected somebody wanted to take advantage of -him, but it wouldn't do. - -'Waiter,' said the gentleman with the whiskers. - -'Sir?' replied a man with a dirty complexion, and a towel of -the same, emerging from the kennel before mentioned. - -'Some more toast.' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Buttered toast, mind,' said the gentleman fiercely. - -'Directly, sir,' replied the waiter. - -The gentleman with the whiskers hummed a tune in the same -manner as before, and pending the arrival of the toast, advanced -to the front of the fire, and, taking his coat tails under his arms, -looked at his boots and ruminated. - -'I wonder whereabouts in Bath this coach puts up,' said -Mr. Pickwick, mildly addressing Mr. Winkle. - -'Hum--eh--what's that?' said the strange man. - -'I made an observation to my friend, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -always ready to enter into conversation. 'I wondered at what -house the Bath coach put up. Perhaps you can inform me.' -'Are you going to Bath?' said the strange man. - -'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'And those other gentlemen?' - -'They are going also,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not inside--I'll be damned if you're going inside,' said the -strange man. - -'Not all of us,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, not all of you,' said the strange man emphatically. 'I've -taken two places. If they try to squeeze six people into an infernal -box that only holds four, I'll take a post-chaise and bring an -action. I've paid my fare. It won't do; I told the clerk when I -took my places that it wouldn't do. I know these things have -been done. I know they are done every day; but I never was done, -and I never will be. Those who know me best, best know it; -crush me!' Here the fierce gentleman rang the bell with great -violence, and told the waiter he'd better bring the toast in five -seconds, or he'd know the reason why. - -'My good sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you will allow me to -observe that this is a very unnecessary display of excitement. I -have only taken places inside for two.' - -'I am glad to hear it,' said the fierce man. 'I withdraw my -expressions. I tender an apology. There's my card. Give me your -acquaintance.' - -'With great pleasure, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'We are to be -fellow-travellers, and I hope we shall find each other's society -mutually agreeable.' - -'I hope we shall,' said the fierce gentleman. 'I know we shall. -I like your looks; they please me. Gentlemen, your hands and -names. Know me.' - -Of course, an interchange of friendly salutations followed this -gracious speech; and the fierce gentleman immediately proceeded -to inform the friends, in the same short, abrupt, jerking sentences, -that his name was Dowler; that he was going to Bath on pleasure; -that he was formerly in the army; that he had now set up in -business as a gentleman; that he lived upon the profits; and that -the individual for whom the second place was taken, was a -personage no less illustrious than Mrs. Dowler, his lady wife. - -'She's a fine woman,' said Mr. Dowler. 'I am proud of her. I -have reason.' - -'I hope I shall have the pleasure of judging,' said Mr. Pickwick, -with a smile. -'You shall,' replied Dowler. 'She shall know you. She shall -esteem you. I courted her under singular circumstances. I won -her through a rash vow. Thus. I saw her; I loved her; I proposed; -she refused me.--"You love another?"--"Spare my blushes."-- -"I know him."--"You do."--"Very good; if he remains here, I'll -skin him."' - -'Lord bless me!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick involuntarily. - -'Did you skin the gentleman, Sir?' inquired Mr. Winkle, with -a very pale face. - -'I wrote him a note, I said it was a painful thing. And so it was.' - -'Certainly,' interposed Mr. Winkle. - -'I said I had pledged my word as a gentleman to skin him. My -character was at stake. I had no alternative. As an officer in His -Majesty's service, I was bound to skin him. I regretted the -necessity, but it must be done. He was open to conviction. He -saw that the rules of the service were imperative. He fled. I -married her. Here's the coach. That's her head.' - -As Mr. Dowler concluded, he pointed to a stage which had -just driven up, from the open window of which a rather pretty -face in a bright blue bonnet was looking among the crowd on the -pavement, most probably for the rash man himself. Mr. Dowler -paid his bill, and hurried out with his travelling cap, coat, and -cloak; and Mr. Pickwick and his friends followed to secure their -places. -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had seated themselves at the -back part of the coach; Mr. Winkle had got inside; and Mr. -Pickwick was preparing to follow him, when Sam Weller came -up to his master, and whispering in his ear, begged to speak to -him, with an air of the deepest mystery. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what's the matter now?' - -'Here's rayther a rum go, sir,' replied Sam. - -'What?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'This here, Sir,' rejoined Sam. 'I'm wery much afeerd, sir, that -the properiator o' this here coach is a playin' some imperence -vith us.' - -'How is that, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick; 'aren't the names down -on the way-bill?' - -'The names is not only down on the vay-bill, Sir,' replied Sam, -'but they've painted vun on 'em up, on the door o' the coach.' -As Sam spoke, he pointed to that part of the coach door on -which the proprietor's name usually appears; and there, sure -enough, in gilt letters of a goodly size, was the magic name of -PICKWICK! - -'Dear me,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite staggered by the -coincidence; 'what a very extraordinary thing!' - -'Yes, but that ain't all,' said Sam, again directing his master's -attention to the coach door; 'not content vith writin' up "Pick- -wick," they puts "Moses" afore it, vich I call addin' insult to -injury, as the parrot said ven they not only took him from his -native land, but made him talk the English langwidge arterwards.' - -'It's odd enough, certainly, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but if -we stand talking here, we shall lose our places.' - -'Wot, ain't nothin' to be done in consequence, sir?' exclaimed -Sam, perfectly aghast at the coolness with which Mr. Pickwick -prepared to ensconce himself inside. - -'Done!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What should be done?' -'Ain't nobody to be whopped for takin' this here liberty, sir?' -said Mr. Weller, who had expected that at least he would have -been commissioned to challenge the guard and the coachman to -a pugilistic encounter on the spot. - -'Certainly not,' replied Mr. Pickwick eagerly; 'not on any -account. Jump up to your seat directly.' - -'I am wery much afeered,' muttered Sam to himself, as he -turned away, 'that somethin' queer's come over the governor, or -he'd never ha' stood this so quiet. I hope that 'ere trial hasn't -broke his spirit, but it looks bad, wery bad.' Mr. Weller shook -his head gravely; and it is worthy of remark, as an illustration -of the manner in which he took this circumstance to heart, -that he did not speak another word until the coach reached -the Kensington turnpike. Which was so long a time for him to -remain taciturn, that the fact may be considered wholly unprecedented. - -Nothing worthy of special mention occurred during the -journey. Mr. Dowler related a variety of anecdotes, all illustrative -of his own personal prowess and desperation, and appealed to -Mrs. Dowler in corroboration thereof; when Mrs. Dowler -invariably brought in, in the form of an appendix, some remarkable -fact or circumstance which Mr. Dowler had forgotten, or -had perhaps through modesty, omitted; for the addenda in every -instance went to show that Mr. Dowler was even a more wonderful -fellow than he made himself out to be. Mr. Pickwick and -Mr. Winkle listened with great admiration, and at intervals -conversed with Mrs. Dowler, who was a very agreeable and -fascinating person. So, what between Mr. Dowler's stories, and -Mrs. Dowler's charms, and Mr. Pickwick's good-humour, and -Mr. Winkle's good listening, the insides contrived to be very -companionable all the way. -The outsides did as outsides always do. They were very cheerful -and talkative at the beginning of every stage, and very dismal and -sleepy in the middle, and very bright and wakeful again towards -the end. There was one young gentleman in an India-rubber -cloak, who smoked cigars all day; and there was another young -gentleman in a parody upon a greatcoat, who lighted a good many, -and feeling obviously unsettled after the second whiff, threw them -away when he thought nobody was looking at him. There was a -third young man on the box who wished to be learned in cattle; -and an old one behind, who was familiar with farming. There -was a constant succession of Christian names in smock-frocks -and white coats, who were invited to have a 'lift' by the guard, -and who knew every horse and hostler on the road and off it; -and there was a dinner which would have been cheap at half-a- -crown a mouth, if any moderate number of mouths could have -eaten it in the time. And at seven o'clock P.m. Mr. Pickwick and -his friends, and Mr. Dowler and his wife, respectively retired to -their private sitting-rooms at the White Hart Hotel, opposite the -Great Pump Room, Bath, where the waiters, from their costume, -might be mistaken for Westminster boys, only they destroy the -illusion by behaving themselves much better. -Breakfast had scarcely been cleared away on the succeeding -morning, when a waiter brought in Mr. Dowler's card, with a -request to be allowed permission to introduce a friend. Mr. -Dowler at once followed up the delivery of the card, by bringing -himself and the friend also. - -The friend was a charming young man of not much more than -fifty, dressed in a very bright blue coat with resplendent buttons, -black trousers, and the thinnest possible pair of highly-polished -boots. A gold eye-glass was suspended from his neck by a short, -broad, black ribbon; a gold snuff-box was lightly clasped in his -left hand; gold rings innumerable glittered on his fingers; and -a large diamond pin set in gold glistened in his shirt frill. He -had a gold watch, and a gold curb chain with large gold seals; -and he carried a pliant ebony cane with a gold top. His linen was -of the very whitest, finest, and stiffest; his wig of the glossiest, -blackest, and curliest. His snuff was princes' mixture; his scent -BOUQUET DU ROI. His features were contracted into a perpetual -smile; and his teeth were in such perfect order that it was difficult -at a small distance to tell the real from the false. - -'Mr. Pickwick,' said Mr. Dowler; 'my friend, Angelo Cyrus -Bantam, Esquire, M.C.; Bantam; Mr. Pickwick. Know each other.' - -'Welcome to Ba-ath, Sir. This is indeed an acquisition. Most -welcome to Ba-ath, sir. It is long--very long, Mr. Pickwick, -since you drank the waters. It appears an age, Mr. Pickwick. -Re-markable!' - -Such were the expressions with which Angelo Cyrus Bantam, -Esquire, M.C., took Mr. Pickwick's hand; retaining it in his, -meantime, and shrugging up his shoulders with a constant -succession of bows, as if he really could not make up his mind to -the trial of letting it go again. - -'It is a very long time since I drank the waters, certainly,' -replied Mr. Pickwick; 'for, to the best of my knowledge, I was -never here before.' - -'Never in Ba-ath, Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed the Grand -Master, letting the hand fall in astonishment. 'Never in Ba-ath! -He! he! Mr. Pickwick, you are a wag. Not bad, not bad. Good, -good. He! he! he! Re-markable!' - -'To my shame, I must say that I am perfectly serious,' rejoined -Mr. Pickwick. 'I really never was here before.' - -'Oh, I see,' exclaimed the Grand Master, looking extremely -pleased; 'yes, yes--good, good--better and better. You are the -gentleman of whom we have heard. Yes; we know you, Mr. -Pickwick; we know you.' - -'The reports of the trial in those confounded papers,' thought -Mr. Pickwick. 'They have heard all about me.' -'You are the gentleman residing on Clapham Green,' resumed -Bantam, 'who lost the use of his limbs from imprudently taking -cold after port wine; who could not be moved in consequence of -acute suffering, and who had the water from the king's bath -bottled at one hundred and three degrees, and sent by wagon to -his bedroom in town, where he bathed, sneezed, and the same day -recovered. Very remarkable!' - -Mr. Pickwick acknowledged the compliment which the supposition -implied, but had the self-denial to repudiate it, notwithstanding; -and taking advantage of a moment's silence on the part -of the M.C., begged to introduce his friends, Mr. Tupman, -Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass. An introduction which overwhelmed -the M.C. with delight and honour. - -'Bantam,' said Mr. Dowler, 'Mr. Pickwick and his friends are -strangers. They must put their names down. Where's the book?' - -'The register of the distinguished visitors in Ba-ath will be at -the Pump Room this morning at two o'clock,' replied the M.C. -'Will you guide our friends to that splendid building, and enable -me to procure their autographs?' - -'I will,' rejoined Dowler. 'This is a long call. It's time to go. I -shall be here again in an hour. Come.' - -'This is a ball-night,' said the M.C., again taking Mr. Pickwick's -hand, as he rose to go. 'The ball-nights in Ba-ath are moments -snatched from paradise; rendered bewitching by music, beauty, -elegance, fashion, etiquette, and--and--above all, by the absence -of tradespeople, who are quite inconsistent with paradise, and -who have an amalgamation of themselves at the Guildhall every -fortnight, which is, to say the least, remarkable. Good-bye, -good-bye!' and protesting all the way downstairs that he was -most satisfied, and most delighted, and most overpowered, -and most flattered, Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esquire, M.C., -stepped into a very elegant chariot that waited at the door, and -rattled off. - -At the appointed hour, Mr. Pickwick and his friends, escorted -by Dowler, repaired to the Assembly Rooms, and wrote their -names down in the book--an instance of condescension at which -Angelo Bantam was even more overpowered than before. Tickets -of admission to that evening's assembly were to have been -prepared for the whole party, but as they were not ready, Mr. -Pickwick undertook, despite all the protestations to the contrary -of Angelo Bantam, to send Sam for them at four o'clock in -the afternoon, to the M.C.'s house in Queen Square. Having -taken a short walk through the city, and arrived at the unanimous -conclusion that Park Street was very much like the -perpendicular streets a man sees in a dream, which he cannot -get up for the life of him, they returned to the White Hart, and -despatched Sam on the errand to which his master had pledged him. - -Sam Weller put on his hat in a very easy and graceful manner, -and, thrusting his hands in his waistcoat pockets, walked with -great deliberation to Queen Square, whistling as he went along, -several of the most popular airs of the day, as arranged with -entirely new movements for that noble instrument the organ, -either mouth or barrel. Arriving at the number in Queen Square -to which he had been directed, he left off whistling and gave a -cheerful knock, which was instantaneously answered by a -powdered-headed footman in gorgeous livery, and of symmetrical -stature. - -'is this here Mr. Bantam's, old feller?' inquired Sam Weller, -nothing abashed by the blaze of splendour which burst upon his -sight in the person of the powdered-headed footman with the -gorgeous livery. - -'Why, young man?' was the haughty inquiry of the powdered- -headed footman. - -''Cos if it is, jist you step in to him with that 'ere card, and say -Mr. Veller's a-waitin', will you?' said Sam. And saying it, he very -coolly walked into the hall, and sat down. - -The powdered-headed footman slammed the door very hard, -and scowled very grandly; but both the slam and the scowl were -lost upon Sam, who was regarding a mahogany umbrella-stand -with every outward token of critical approval. - -Apparently his master's reception of the card had impressed -the powdered-headed footman in Sam's favour, for when he -came back from delivering it, he smiled in a friendly manner, and -said that the answer would be ready directly. - -'Wery good,' said Sam. 'Tell the old gen'l'm'n not to put -himself in a perspiration. No hurry, six-foot. I've had my dinner.' - -'You dine early, sir,' said the powdered-headed footman. - -'I find I gets on better at supper when I does,' replied Sam. - -'Have you been long in Bath, sir?' inquired the powdered- -headed footman. 'I have not had the pleasure of hearing of you before.' - -'I haven't created any wery surprisin' sensation here, as yet,' -rejoined Sam, 'for me and the other fash'nables only come last night.' - -'Nice place, Sir,' said the powdered-headed footman. - -'Seems so,' observed Sam. - -'Pleasant society, sir,' remarked the powdered-headed footman. -'Very agreeable servants, sir.' - -'I should think they wos,' replied Sam. 'Affable, unaffected, -say-nothin'-to-nobody sorts o' fellers.' - -'Oh, very much so, indeed, sir,' said the powdered-headed -footman, taking Sam's remarks as a high compliment. 'Very -much so indeed. Do you do anything in this way, Sir?' inquired -the tall footman, producing a small snuff-box with a fox's head -on the top of it. - -'Not without sneezing,' replied Sam. - -'Why, it IS difficult, sir, I confess,' said the tall footman. 'It -may be done by degrees, Sir. Coffee is the best practice. I carried -coffee, Sir, for a long time. It looks very like rappee, sir.' - -Here, a sharp peal at the bell reduced the powdered-headed -footman to the ignominious necessity of putting the fox's head -in his pocket, and hastening with a humble countenance to -Mr. Bantam's 'study.' By the bye, who ever knew a man who -never read or wrote either, who hadn't got some small back -parlour which he WOULD call a study! - -'There is the answer, sir,' said the powdered-headed footman. -'I'm afraid you'll find it inconveniently large.' - -'Don't mention it,' said Sam, taking a letter with a small -enclosure. 'It's just possible as exhausted natur' may manage to -surwive it.' - -'I hope we shall meet again, Sir,' said the powdered-headed -footman, rubbing his hands, and following Sam out to the door-step. - -'You are wery obligin', sir,' replied Sam. 'Now, don't allow -yourself to be fatigued beyond your powers; there's a amiable -bein'. Consider what you owe to society, and don't let yourself be -injured by too much work. For the sake o' your feller-creeturs, -keep yourself as quiet as you can; only think what a loss you -would be!' With these pathetic words, Sam Weller departed. - -'A very singular young man that,' said the powdered-headed -footman, looking after Mr. Weller, with a countenance which -clearly showed he could make nothing of him. - -Sam said nothing at all. He winked, shook his head, smiled, -winked again; and, with an expression of countenance which -seemed to denote that he was greatly amused with something or -other, walked merrily away. - -At precisely twenty minutes before eight o'clock that night, -Angelo Cyrus Bantam, Esq., the Master of the Ceremonies, -emerged from his chariot at the door of the Assembly Rooms in -the same wig, the same teeth, the same eye-glass, the same watch -and seals, the same rings, the same shirt-pin, and the same cane. -The only observable alterations in his appearance were, that he -wore a brighter blue coat, with a white silk lining, black tights, -black silk stockings, and pumps, and a white waistcoat, and was, -if possible, just a thought more scented. - -Thus attired, the Master of the Ceremonies, in strict discharge -of the important duties of his all-important office, planted -himself in the room to receive the company. - -Bath being full, the company, and the sixpences for tea, -poured in, in shoals. In the ballroom, the long card-room, the -octagonal card-room, the staircases, and the passages, the hum -of many voices, and the sound of many feet, were perfectly -bewildering. Dresses rustled, feathers waved, lights shone, and -jewels sparkled. There was the music--not of the quadrille band, -for it had not yet commenced; but the music of soft, tiny footsteps, -with now and then a clear, merry laugh--low and gentle, -but very pleasant to hear in a female voice, whether in Bath or -elsewhere. Brilliant eyes, lighted up with pleasurable expectation, -gleamed from every side; and, look where you would, some -exquisite form glided gracefully through the throng, and was no -sooner lost, than it was replaced by another as dainty and bewitching. - -In the tea-room, and hovering round the card-tables, were a -vast number of queer old ladies, and decrepit old gentlemen, -discussing all the small talk and scandal of the day, with a relish -and gusto which sufficiently bespoke the intensity of the pleasure -they derived from the occupation. Mingled with these groups, -were three or four match-making mammas, appearing to be -wholly absorbed by the conversation in which they were taking -part, but failing not from time to time to cast an anxious sidelong -glance upon their daughters, who, remembering the maternal -injunction to make the best use of their youth, had already -commenced incipient flirtations in the mislaying scarves, putting -on gloves, setting down cups, and so forth; slight matters apparently, -but which may be turned to surprisingly good account by -expert practitioners. - -Lounging near the doors, and in remote corners, were various -knots of silly young men, displaying various varieties of puppyism -and stupidity; amusing all sensible people near them with their -folly and conceit; and happily thinking themselves the objects of -general admiration--a wise and merciful dispensation which no -good man will quarrel with. - -And lastly, seated on some of the back benches, where they had -already taken up their positions for the evening, were divers -unmarried ladies past their grand climacteric, who, not dancing -because there were no partners for them, and not playing cards -lest they should be set down as irretrievably single, were in the -favourable situation of being able to abuse everybody without -reflecting on themselves. In short, they could abuse everybody, -because everybody was there. It was a scene of gaiety, glitter, and -show; of richly-dressed people, handsome mirrors, chalked -floors, girandoles and wax-candles; and in all parts of the scene, -gliding from spot to spot in silent softness, bowing obsequiously -to this party, nodding familiarly to that, and smiling complacently -on all, was the sprucely-attired person of Angelo Cyrus Bantam, -Esquire, the Master of the Ceremonies. - -'Stop in the tea-room. Take your sixpenn'orth. Then lay on hot -water, and call it tea. Drink it,' said Mr. Dowler, in a loud voice, -directing Mr. Pickwick, who advanced at the head of the little -party, with Mrs. Dowler on his arm. Into the tea-room Mr. -Pickwick turned; and catching sight of him, Mr. Bantam corkscrewed -his way through the crowd and welcomed him with ecstasy. - -'My dear Sir, I am highly honoured. Ba-ath is favoured. -Mrs. Dowler, you embellish the rooms. I congratulate you on -your feathers. Re-markable!' - -'Anybody here?' inquired Dowler suspiciously. - -'Anybody! The ELITE of Ba-ath. Mr. Pickwick, do you see the -old lady in the gauze turban?' - -'The fat old lady?' inquired Mr. Pickwick innocently. - -'Hush, my dear sir--nobody's fat or old in Ba-ath. That's the -Dowager Lady Snuphanuph.' - -'Is it, indeed?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No less a person, I assure you,' said the Master of the Ceremonies. -'Hush. Draw a little nearer, Mr. Pickwick. You see the -splendidly-dressed young man coming this way?' - -'The one with the long hair, and the particularly small forehead?' -inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'The same. The richest young man in Ba-ath at this moment. -Young Lord Mutanhed.' - -'You don't say so?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes. You'll hear his voice in a moment, Mr. Pickwick. He'll -speak to me. The other gentleman with him, in the red under- -waistcoat and dark moustache, is the Honourable Mr. Crushton, -his bosom friend. How do you do, my Lord?' - -'Veway hot, Bantam,' said his Lordship. - -'It IS very warm, my Lord,' replied the M.C. - -'Confounded,' assented the Honourable Mr. Crushton. - -'Have you seen his Lordship's mail-cart, Bantam?' inquired the -Honourable Mr. Crushton, after a short pause, during which -young Lord Mutanhed had been endeavouring to stare Mr. -Pickwick out of countenance, and Mr. Crushton had been -reflecting what subject his Lordship could talk about best. - -'Dear me, no,' replied the M.C.'A mail-cart! What an excellent -idea. Re-markable!' - -'Gwacious heavens!' said his Lordship, 'I thought evewebody -had seen the new mail-cart; it's the neatest, pwettiest, gwacefullest -thing that ever wan upon wheels. Painted wed, with a -cweam piebald.' - -'With a real box for the letters, and all complete,' said the -Honourable Mr. Crushton. - -'And a little seat in fwont, with an iwon wail, for the dwiver,' -added his Lordship. 'I dwove it over to Bwistol the other -morning, in a cwimson coat, with two servants widing a quarter -of a mile behind; and confound me if the people didn't wush out -of their cottages, and awest my pwogwess, to know if I wasn't -the post. Glorwious--glorwious!' - -At this anecdote his Lordship laughed very heartily, as did the -listeners, of course. Then, drawing his arm through that of the -obsequious Mr. Crushton, Lord Mutanhed walked away. - -'Delightful young man, his Lordship,' said the Master of -the Ceremonies. - -'So I should think,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick drily. - -The dancing having commenced, the necessary introductions -having been made, and all preliminaries arranged, Angelo -Bantam rejoined Mr. Pickwick, and led him into the card-room. - -Just at the very moment of their entrance, the Dowager Lady -Snuphanuph and two other ladies of an ancient and whist-like -appearance, were hovering over an unoccupied card-table; and -they no sooner set eyes upon Mr. Pickwick under the convoy of -Angelo Bantam, than they exchanged glances with each other, -seeing that he was precisely the very person they wanted, to make -up the rubber. - -'My dear Bantam,' said the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph -coaxingly, 'find us some nice creature to make up this table; -there's a good soul.' Mr. Pickwick happened to be looking -another way at the moment, so her Ladyship nodded her head -towards him, and frowned expressively. - -'My friend Mr. Pickwick, my Lady, will be most happy, I am -sure, remarkably so,' said the M.C., taking the hint. 'Mr. Pickwick, -Lady Snuphanuph--Mrs. Colonel Wugsby--Miss Bolo.' - -Mr. Pickwick bowed to each of the ladies, and, finding escape -impossible, cut. Mr. Pickwick and Miss Bolo against Lady -Snuphanuph and Mrs. Colonel Wugsby. -As the trump card was turned up, at the commencement of the -second deal, two young ladies hurried into the room, and took -their stations on either side of Mrs. Colonel Wugsby's chair, -where they waited patiently until the hand was over. - -'Now, Jane,' said Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, turning to one of the -girls, 'what is it?' -'I came to ask, ma, whether I might dance with the youngest -Mr. Crawley,' whispered the prettier and younger of the two. - -'Good God, Jane, how can you think of such things?' replied -the mamma indignantly. 'Haven't you repeatedly heard that his -father has eight hundred a year, which dies with him? I am -ashamed of you. Not on any account.' - -'Ma,' whispered the other, who was much older than her sister, -and very insipid and artificial, 'Lord Mutanhed has been introduced -to me. I said I thought I wasn't engaged, ma.' - -'You're a sweet pet, my love,' replied Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, -tapping her daughter's cheek with her fan, 'and are always to be -trusted. He's immensely rich, my dear. Bless you!' With these -words Mrs. Colonel Wugsby kissed her eldest daughter most -affectionately, and frowning in a warning manner upon the other, -sorted her cards. - -Poor Mr. Pickwick! he had never played with three thorough- -paced female card-players before. They were so desperately sharp, -that they quite frightened him. If he played a wrong card, Miss -Bolo looked a small armoury of daggers; if he stopped to consider -which was the right one, Lady Snuphanuph would throw -herself back in her chair, and smile with a mingled glance of -impatience and pity to Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, at which Mrs. -Colonel Wugsby would shrug up her shoulders, and cough, as -much as to say she wondered whether he ever would begin. -Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a -dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had -not returned that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the spade, -or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out -the ace, or played up to the king, or some such thing; and in -reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly -unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this time -forgotten all about the game. People came and looked on, too, -which made Mr. Pickwick nervous. Besides all this, there was a -great deal of distracting conversation near the table, between -Angelo Bantam and the two Misses Matinter, who, being single -and singular, paid great court to the Master of the Ceremonies, in -the hope of getting a stray partner now and then. All these things, -combined with the noises and interruptions of constant comings -in and goings out, made Mr. Pickwick play rather badly; the -cards were against him, also; and when they left off at ten minutes -past eleven, Miss Bolo rose from the table considerably agitated, -and went straight home, in a flood of tears and a sedan-chair. - -Being joined by his friends, who one and all protested that they -had scarcely ever spent a more pleasant evening, Mr. Pickwick -accompanied them to the White Hart, and having soothed his -feelings with something hot, went to bed, and to sleep, almost -simultaneously. - - -CHAPTER XXXVI -THE CHIEF FEATURES OF WHICH WILL BE FOUND TO BE - AN AUTHENTIC VERSION OF THE LEGEND OF PRINCE - BLADUD, AND A MOST EXTRAORDINARY CALAMITY THAT - BEFELL Mr. WINKLE - - -As Mr. Pickwick contemplated a stay of at least two months in -Bath, he deemed it advisable to take private lodgings for himself -and friends for that period; and as a favourable opportunity -offered for their securing, on moderate terms, the upper portion -of a house in the Royal Crescent, which was larger than they -required, Mr. and Mrs. Dowler offered to relieve them of a -bedroom and sitting-room. This proposition was at once -accepted, and in three days' time they were all located in their -new abode, when Mr. Pickwick began to drink the waters with the -utmost assiduity. Mr. Pickwick took them systematically. He -drank a quarter of a pint before breakfast, and then walked up a -hill; and another quarter of a pint after breakfast, and then -walked down a hill; and, after every fresh quarter of a pint, -Mr. Pickwick declared, in the most solemn and emphatic terms, -that he felt a great deal better; whereat his friends were very -much delighted, though they had not been previously aware that -there was anything the matter with him. - -The Great Pump Room is a spacious saloon, ornamented with -Corinthian pillars, and a music-gallery, and a Tompion clock, -and a statue of Nash, and a golden inscription, to which all the -water-drinkers should attend, for it appeals to them in the cause -of a deserving charity. There is a large bar with a marble vase, -out of which the pumper gets the water; and there are a number -of yellow-looking tumblers, out of which the company get it; -and it is a most edifying and satisfactory sight to behold the -perseverance and gravity with which they swallow it. There are -baths near at hand, in which a part of the company wash themselves; -and a band plays afterwards, to congratulate the remainder -on their having done so. There is another pump room, into which -infirm ladies and gentlemen are wheeled, in such an astonishing -variety of chairs and chaises, that any adventurous individual -who goes in with the regular number of toes, is in imminent danger -of coming out without them; and there is a third, into which the quiet -people go, for it is less noisy than either. There is an immensity of -promenading, on crutches and off, with sticks and without, and a -great deal of conversation, and liveliness, and pleasantry. - -Every morning, the regular water-drinkers, Mr. Pickwick -among the number, met each other in the pump room, took their -quarter of a pint, and walked constitutionally. At the afternoon's -promenade, Lord Mutanhed, and the Honourable Mr. Crushton, -the Dowager Lady Snuphanuph, Mrs. Colonel Wugsby, and -all the great people, and all the morning water-drinkers, met in -grand assemblage. After this, they walked out, or drove out, or -were pushed out in bath-chairs, and met one another again. After -this, the gentlemen went to the reading-rooms, and met divisions -of the mass. After this, they went home. If it were theatre-night, -perhaps they met at the theatre; if it were assembly-night, they -met at the rooms; and if it were neither, they met the next day. -A very pleasant routine, with perhaps a slight tinge of sameness. - -Mr. Pickwick was sitting up by himself, after a day spent in -this manner, making entries in his journal, his friends having -retired to bed, when he was roused by a gentle tap at the room door. - -'Beg your pardon, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock, the landlady, -peeping in; 'but did you want anything more, sir?' - -'Nothing more, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'My young girl is gone to bed, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock; 'and -Mr. Dowler is good enough to say that he'll sit up for Mrs. -Dowler, as the party isn't expected to be over till late; so I was -thinking that if you wanted nothing more, Mr. Pickwick, I -would go to bed.' - -'By all means, ma'am,' replied Mr. Pickwick. -'Wish you good-night, Sir,' said Mrs. Craddock. - -'Good-night, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. - -Mrs. Craddock closed the door, and Mr. Pickwick resumed his writing. - -In half an hour's time the entries were concluded. Mr. Pickwick -carefully rubbed the last page on the blotting-paper, shut up the -book, wiped his pen on the bottom of the inside of his coat tail, -and opened the drawer of the inkstand to put it carefully away. -There were a couple of sheets of writing-paper, pretty closely -written over, in the inkstand drawer, and they were folded so, -that the title, which was in a good round hand, was fully disclosed -to him. Seeing from this, that it was no private document; -and as it seemed to relate to Bath, and was very short: Mr. Pick- -wick unfolded it, lighted his bedroom candle that it might burn -up well by the time he finished; and drawing his chair nearer the -fire, read as follows-- - - - THE TRUE LEGEND OF PRINCE BLADUD - -'Less than two hundred years ago, on one of the public baths -in this city, there appeared an inscription in honour of its mighty -founder, the renowned Prince Bladud. That inscription is now erased. - -'For many hundred years before that time, there had been -handed down, from age to age, an old legend, that the illustrious -prince being afflicted with leprosy, on his return from reaping a -rich harvest of knowledge in Athens, shunned the court of his -royal father, and consorted moodily with husbandman and pigs. -Among the herd (so said the legend) was a pig of grave and -solemn countenance, with whom the prince had a fellow-feeling ---for he too was wise--a pig of thoughtful and reserved demeanour; -an animal superior to his fellows, whose grunt was -terrible, and whose bite was sharp. The young prince sighed -deeply as he looked upon the countenance of the majestic swine; -he thought of his royal father, and his eyes were bedewed with tears. - -'This sagacious pig was fond of bathing in rich, moist mud. -Not in summer, as common pigs do now, to cool themselves, -and did even in those distant ages (which is a proof that the light -of civilisation had already begun to dawn, though feebly), but in -the cold, sharp days of winter. His coat was ever so sleek, and -his complexion so clear, that the prince resolved to essay the -purifying qualities of the same water that his friend resorted to. -He made the trial. Beneath that black mud, bubbled the hot -springs of Bath. He washed, and was cured. Hastening to his -father's court, he paid his best respects, and returning quickly -hither, founded this city and its famous baths. - -'He sought the pig with all the ardour of their early friendship ---but, alas! the waters had been his death. He had imprudently -taken a bath at too high a temperature, and the natural philosopher -was no more! He was succeeded by Pliny, who also fell a -victim to his thirst for knowledge. - - -'This was the legend. Listen to the true one. - -'A great many centuries since, there flourished, in great state, -the famous and renowned Lud Hudibras, king of Britain. He was -a mighty monarch. The earth shook when he walked--he was so -very stout. His people basked in the light of his countenance--it -was so red and glowing. He was, indeed, every inch a king. And -there were a good many inches of him, too, for although he was -not very tall, he was a remarkable size round, and the inches that -he wanted in height, he made up in circumference. If any -degenerate monarch of modern times could be in any way compared -with him, I should say the venerable King Cole would be -that illustrious potentate. - -'This good king had a queen, who eighteen years before, had -had a son, who was called Bladud. He was sent to a preparatory -seminary in his father's dominions until he was ten years old, and -was then despatched, in charge of a trusty messenger, to a -finishing school at Athens; and as there was no extra charge for -remaining during the holidays, and no notice required previous -to the removal of a pupil, there he remained for eight long years, -at the expiration of which time, the king his father sent the lord -chamberlain over, to settle the bill, and to bring him home; -which, the lord chamberlain doing, was received with shouts, and -pensioned immediately. - -'When King Lud saw the prince his son, and found he had -grown up such a fine young man, he perceived what a grand -thing it would be to have him married without delay, so that his -children might be the means of perpetuating the glorious race of -Lud, down to the very latest ages of the world. With this view, -he sent a special embassy, composed of great noblemen who had -nothing particular to do, and wanted lucrative employment, to a -neighbouring king, and demanded his fair daughter in marriage -for his son; stating at the same time that he was anxious to be on -the most affectionate terms with his brother and friend, but that -if they couldn't agree in arranging this marriage, he should be -under the unpleasant necessity of invading his kingdom and -putting his eyes out. To this, the other king (who was the weaker -of the two) replied that he was very much obliged to his friend -and brother for all his goodness and magnanimity, and that his -daughter was quite ready to be married, whenever Prince Bladud -liked to come and fetch her. - -'This answer no sooner reached Britain, than the whole nation -was transported with joy. Nothing was heard, on all sides, but -the sounds of feasting and revelry--except the chinking of money -as it was paid in by the people to the collector of the royal -treasures, to defray the expenses of the happy ceremony. It was -upon this occasion that King Lud, seated on the top of his throne -in full council, rose, in the exuberance of his feelings, and commanded -the lord chief justice to order in the richest wines and -the court minstrels--an act of graciousness which has been, -through the ignorance of traditionary historians, attributed to -King Cole, in those celebrated lines in which his Majesty is -represented as - - Calling for his pipe, and calling for his pot, - And calling for his fiddlers three. - -Which is an obvious injustice to the memory of King Lud, and -a dishonest exaltation of the virtues of King Cole. - -'But, in the midst of all this festivity and rejoicing, there was -one individual present, who tasted not when the sparkling wines -were poured forth, and who danced not, when the minstrels -played. This was no other than Prince Bladud himself, in honour -of whose happiness a whole people were, at that very moment, -straining alike their throats and purse-strings. The truth was, -that the prince, forgetting the undoubted right of the minister for -foreign affairs to fall in love on his behalf, had, contrary to every -precedent of policy and diplomacy, already fallen in love on his -own account, and privately contracted himself unto the fair -daughter of a noble Athenian. - -'Here we have a striking example of one of the manifold -advantages of civilisation and refinement. If the prince had lived -in later days, he might at once have married the object of his -father's choice, and then set himself seriously to work, to relieve -himself of the burden which rested heavily upon him. He might have -endeavoured to break her heart by a systematic course of insult and -neglect; or, if the spirit of her sex, and a proud consciousness -of her many wrongs had upheld her under this ill-treatment, he -might have sought to take her life, and so get rid of her effectually. -But neither mode of relief suggested itself to Prince Bladud; so he -solicited a private audience, and told his father. - -'it is an old prerogative of kings to govern everything but their -passions. King Lud flew into a frightful rage, tossed his crown up -to the ceiling, and caught it again--for in those days kings kept -their crowns on their heads, and not in the Tower--stamped the -ground, rapped his forehead, wondered why his own flesh and -blood rebelled against him, and, finally, calling in his guards, -ordered the prince away to instant Confinement in a lofty turret; -a course of treatment which the kings of old very generally -pursued towards their sons, when their matrimonial inclinations -did not happen to point to the same quarter as their own. - -'When Prince Bladud had been shut up in the lofty turret for -the greater part of a year, with no better prospect before his -bodily eyes than a stone wall, or before his mental vision than -prolonged imprisonment, he naturally began to ruminate on a -plan of escape, which, after months of preparation, he managed -to accomplish; considerately leaving his dinner-knife in the heart -of his jailer, lest the poor fellow (who had a family) should be -considered privy to his flight, and punished accordingly by the -infuriated king. - -'The monarch was frantic at the loss of his son. He knew not -on whom to vent his grief and wrath, until fortunately bethinking -himself of the lord chamberlain who had brought him home, he -struck off his pension and his head together. - -'Meanwhile, the young prince, effectually disguised, wandered -on foot through his father's dominions, cheered and supported -in all his hardships by sweet thoughts of the Athenian maid, who -was the innocent cause of his weary trials. One day he stopped -to rest in a country village; and seeing that there were gay dances -going forward on the green, and gay faces passing to and fro, -ventured to inquire of a reveller who stood near him, the reason -for this rejoicing. - -'"Know you not, O stranger," was the reply, "of the recent -proclamation of our gracious king?" - -'"Proclamation! No. What proclamation?" rejoined the -prince--for he had travelled along the by and little-frequented -ways, and knew nothing of what had passed upon the public -roads, such as they were. - -'"Why," replied the peasant, "the foreign lady that our prince -wished to wed, is married to a foreign noble of her own country, -and the king proclaims the fact, and a great public festival -besides; for now, of course, Prince Bladud will come back and -marry the lady his father chose, who they say is as beautiful as -the noonday sun. Your health, sir. God save the king!" - -'The prince remained to hear no more. He fled from the spot, -and plunged into the thickest recesses of a neighbouring wood. -On, on, he wandered, night and day; beneath the blazing sun, and -the cold pale moon; through the dry heat of noon, and the damp -cold of night; in the gray light of morn, and the red glare -of eve. So heedless was he of time or object, that being -bound for Athens, he wandered as far out of his way as Bath. - -'There was no city where Bath stands, then. There was no -vestige of human habitation, or sign of man's resort, to bear the -name; but there was the same noble country, the same broad -expanse of hill and dale, the same beautiful channel stealing on, -far away, the same lofty mountains which, like the troubles of -life, viewed at a distance, and partially obscured by the bright -mist of its morning, lose their ruggedness and asperity, and seem -all ease and softness. Moved by the gentle beauty of the scene, -the prince sank upon the green turf, and bathed his swollen feet -in his tears. - -'"Oh!" said the unhappy Bladud, clasping his hands, and -mournfully raising his eyes towards the sky, "would that my -wanderings might end here! Would that these grateful tears with -which I now mourn hope misplaced, and love despised, might -flow in peace for ever!" - -'The wish was heard. It was in the time of the heathen deities, -who used occasionally to take people at their words, with a -promptness, in some cases, extremely awkward. The ground -opened beneath the prince's feet; he sank into the chasm; and -instantaneously it closed upon his head for ever, save where his -hot tears welled up through the earth, and where they have -continued to gush forth ever since. - -'It is observable that, to this day, large numbers of elderly -ladies and gentlemen who have been disappointed in procuring -partners, and almost as many young ones who are anxious to -obtain them, repair annually to Bath to drink the waters, from -which they derive much strength and comfort. This is most -complimentary to the virtue of Prince Bladud's tears, and strongly -corroborative of the veracity of this legend.' - - -Mr. Pickwick yawned several times when he had arrived at the -end of this little manuscript, carefully refolded, and replaced it in -the inkstand drawer, and then, with a countenance expressive of -the utmost weariness, lighted his chamber candle, and went -upstairs to bed. -He stopped at Mr. Dowler's door, according to custom, and -knocked to say good-night. - -'Ah!' said Dowler, 'going to bed? I wish I was. Dismal night. -Windy; isn't it?' - -'Very,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Good-night.' - -'Good-night.' - -Mr. Pickwick went to his bedchamber, and Mr. Dowler -resumed his seat before the fire, in fulfilment of his rash promise -to sit up till his wife came home. - -There are few things more worrying than sitting up for somebody, -especially if that somebody be at a party. You cannot help -thinking how quickly the time passes with them, which drags so -heavily with you; and the more you think of this, the more your -hopes of their speedy arrival decline. Clocks tick so loud, too, -when you are sitting up alone, and you seem as if you had an -under-garment of cobwebs on. First, something tickles your -right knee, and then the same sensation irritates your left. You -have no sooner changed your position, than it comes again in the -arms; when you have fidgeted your limbs into all sorts of queer -shapes, you have a sudden relapse in the nose, which you rub as -if to rub it off--as there is no doubt you would, if you could. -Eyes, too, are mere personal inconveniences; and the wick of one -candle gets an inch and a half long, while you are snuffing the -other. These, and various other little nervous annoyances, -render sitting up for a length of time after everybody else has -gone to bed, anything but a cheerful amusement. - -This was just Mr. Dowler's opinion, as he sat before the fire, -and felt honestly indignant with all the inhuman people at the -party who were keeping him up. He was not put into better -humour either, by the reflection that he had taken it into his -head, early in the evening, to think he had got an ache there, and -so stopped at home. At length, after several droppings asleep, -and fallings forward towards the bars, and catchings backward -soon enough to prevent being branded in the face, Mr. Dowler -made up his mind that he would throw himself on the bed in the -back room and think--not sleep, of course. - -'I'm a heavy sleeper,' said Mr. Dowler, as he flung himself on -the bed. 'I must keep awake. I suppose I shall hear a knock here. -Yes. I thought so. I can hear the watchman. There he goes. -Fainter now, though. A little fainter. He's turning the corner. -Ah!' When Mr. Dowler arrived at this point, he turned the -corner at which he had been long hesitating, and fell fast asleep. - -Just as the clock struck three, there was blown into the crescent -a sedan-chair with Mrs. Dowler inside, borne by one short, fat -chairman, and one long, thin one, who had had much ado to -keep their bodies perpendicular: to say nothing of the chair. -But on that high ground, and in the crescent, which the wind -swept round and round as if it were going to tear the paving -stones up, its fury was tremendous. They were very glad to set -the chair down, and give a good round loud double-knock at the -street door. - -They waited some time, but nobody came. - -'Servants is in the arms o' Porpus, I think,' said the short -chairman, warming his hands at the attendant link-boy's torch. - -'I wish he'd give 'em a squeeze and wake 'em,' observed the -long one. - -'Knock again, will you, if you please,' cried Mrs. Dowler from -the chair. 'Knock two or three times, if you please.' - -The short man was quite willing to get the job over, as soon as -possible; so he stood on the step, and gave four or five most -startling double-knocks, of eight or ten knocks a-piece, while the -long man went into the road, and looked up at the windows for -a light. - -Nobody came. It was all as silent and dark as ever. - -'Dear me!' said Mrs. Dowler. 'You must knock again, if you -please.' -'There ain't a bell, is there, ma'am?' said the short chairman. - -'Yes, there is,' interposed the link-boy, 'I've been a-ringing at -it ever so long.' - -'It's only a handle,' said Mrs. Dowler, 'the wire's broken.' - -'I wish the servants' heads wos,' growled the long man. - -'I must trouble you to knock again, if you please,' said Mrs. -Dowler, with the utmost politeness. - -The short man did knock again several times, without producing -the smallest effect. The tall man, growing very impatient, -then relieved him, and kept on perpetually knocking double- -knocks of two loud knocks each, like an insane postman. - -At length Mr. Winkle began to dream that he was at a club, -and that the members being very refractory, the chairman was -obliged to hammer the table a good deal to preserve order; then -he had a confused notion of an auction room where there were -no bidders, and the auctioneer was buying everything in; and -ultimately he began to think it just within the bounds of possibility -that somebody might be knocking at the street door. To -make quite certain, however, he remained quiet in bed for ten -minutes or so, and listened; and when he had counted two or -three-and-thirty knocks, he felt quite satisfied, and gave himself a -great deal of credit for being so wakeful. - -'Rap rap-rap rap-rap rap-ra, ra, ra, ra, ra, rap!' went the knocker. - -Mr. Winkle jumped out of bed, wondering very much what -could possibly be the matter, and hastily putting on his stockings -and slippers, folded his dressing-gown round him, lighted a flat -candle from the rush-light that was burning in the fireplace, and -hurried downstairs. - -'Here's somebody comin' at last, ma'am,' said the -short chairman. - -'I wish I wos behind him vith a bradawl,' muttered the long one. - -'Who's there?' cried Mr. Winkle, undoing the chain. - -'Don't stop to ask questions, cast-iron head,' replied the long -man, with great disgust, taking it for granted that the inquirer was -a footman; 'but open the door.' - -'Come, look sharp, timber eyelids,' added the other encouragingly. - -Mr. Winkle, being half asleep, obeyed the command mechanically, -opened the door a little, and peeped out. The first thing he -saw, was the red glare of the link-boy's torch. Startled by the -sudden fear that the house might be on fire, he hastily threw the -door wide open, and holding the candle above his head, stared -eagerly before him, not quite certain whether what he saw was a -sedan-chair or a fire-engine. At this instant there came a violent -gust of wind; the light was blown out; Mr. Winkle felt himself -irresistibly impelled on to the steps; and the door blew to, with -a loud crash. - -'Well, young man, now you HAVE done it!' said the short chairman. - -Mr. Winkle, catching sight of a lady's face at the window of -the sedan, turned hastily round, plied the knocker with all his -might and main, and called frantically upon the chairman to -take the chair away again. - -'Take it away, take it away,' cried Mr. Winkle. 'Here's somebody -coming out of another house; put me into the chair. Hide -me! Do something with me!' - -All this time he was shivering with cold; and every time he -raised his hand to the knocker, the wind took the dressing-gown -in a most unpleasant manner. - -'The people are coming down the crescent now. There are -ladies with 'em; cover me up with something. Stand before me!' -roared Mr. Winkle. But the chairmen were too much exhausted -with laughing to afford him the slightest assistance, and the ladies -were every moment approaching nearer and nearer. -Mr. Winkle gave a last hopeless knock; the ladies were only a -few doors off. He threw away the extinguished candle, which, all -this time he had held above his head, and fairly bolted into the -sedan-chair where Mrs. Dowler was. - -Now, Mrs. Craddock had heard the knocking and the voices -at last; and, only waiting to put something smarter on her head -than her nightcap, ran down into the front drawing-room to make -sure that it was the right party. Throwing up the window-sash -as Mr. Winkle was rushing into the chair, she no sooner caught -sight of what was going forward below, than she raised a vehement -and dismal shriek, and implored Mr. Dowler to get up -directly, for his wife was running away with another gentleman. - -Upon this, Mr. Dowler bounced off the bed as abruptly as an -India-rubber ball, and rushing into the front room, arrived at one -window just as Mr. Pickwick threw up the other, when the first -object that met the gaze of both, was Mr. Winkle bolting into the -sedan-chair. - -'Watchman,' shouted Dowler furiously, 'stop him--hold him ---keep him tight--shut him in, till I come down. I'll cut his -throat--give me a knife--from ear to ear, Mrs. Craddock--I -will!' And breaking from the shrieking landlady, and from Mr. -Pickwick, the indignant husband seized a small supper-knife, and -tore into the street. -But Mr. Winkle didn't wait for him. He no sooner heard the -horrible threat of the valorous Dowler, than he bounced out of -the sedan, quite as quickly as he had bounced in, and throwing -off his slippers into the road, took to his heels and tore round the -crescent, hotly pursued by Dowler and the watchman. He kept -ahead; the door was open as he came round the second time; he -rushed in, slammed it in Dowler's face, mounted to his bedroom, -locked the door, piled a wash-hand-stand, chest of drawers, and a -table against it, and packed up a few necessaries ready for flight -with the first ray of morning. - -Dowler came up to the outside of the door; avowed, through -the keyhole, his steadfast determination of cutting Mr. Winkle's -throat next day; and, after a great confusion of voices in the -drawing-room, amidst which that of Mr. Pickwick was distinctly -heard endeavouring to make peace, the inmates dispersed to their -several bed-chambers, and all was quiet once more. - -It is not unlikely that the inquiry may be made, where Mr. -Weller was, all this time? We will state where he was, in the next -chapter. - - - -CHAPTER XXXVII -HONOURABLY ACCOUNTS FOR Mr. WELLER'S ABSENCE, - BY DESCRIBING A SOIREE TO WHICH HE WAS INVITED - AND WENT; ALSO RELATES HOW HE WAS ENTRUSTED BY - Mr. PICKWICK WITH A PRIVATE MISSION OF DELICACY - AND IMPORTANCE - - -'Mr. Weller,' said Mrs. Craddock, upon the morning of this very -eventful day, 'here's a letter for you.' - -'Wery odd that,' said Sam; 'I'm afeerd there must be somethin' -the matter, for I don't recollect any gen'l'm'n in my circle of -acquaintance as is capable o' writin' one.' - -'Perhaps something uncommon has taken place,' observed -Mrs. Craddock. - -'It must be somethin' wery uncommon indeed, as could -perduce a letter out o' any friend o' mine,' replied Sam, shaking -his head dubiously; 'nothin' less than a nat'ral conwulsion, as the -young gen'l'm'n observed ven he wos took with fits. It can't be -from the gov'ner,' said Sam, looking at the direction. 'He always -prints, I know, 'cos he learnt writin' from the large bills in the -booking-offices. It's a wery strange thing now, where this here -letter can ha' come from.' - -As Sam said this, he did what a great many people do when -they are uncertain about the writer of a note--looked at the seal, -and then at the front, and then at the back, and then at the sides, -and then at the superscription; and, as a last resource, thought -perhaps he might as well look at the inside, and try to find out -from that. - -'It's wrote on gilt-edged paper,' said Sam, as he unfolded it, -'and sealed in bronze vax vith the top of a door key. Now for it.' -And, with a very grave face, Mr. Weller slowly read as follows-- - - -'A select company of the Bath footmen presents their compliments -to Mr. Weller, and requests the pleasure of his company -this evening, to a friendly swarry, consisting of a boiled leg of -mutton with the usual trimmings. The swarry to be on table at -half-past nine o'clock punctually.' - - -This was inclosed in another note, which ran thus-- - - -'Mr. John Smauker, the gentleman who had the pleasure of -meeting Mr. Weller at the house of their mutual acquaintance, -Mr. Bantam, a few days since, begs to inclose Mr. Weller the -herewith invitation. If Mr. Weller will call on Mr. John Smauker -at nine o'clock, Mr. John Smauker will have the pleasure of -introducing Mr. Weller. - (Signed) 'JOHN SMAUKER.' - - -The envelope was directed to blank Weller, Esq., at Mr. Pickwick's; -and in a parenthesis, in the left hand corner, were the -words 'airy bell,' as an instruction to the bearer. - -'Vell,' said Sam, 'this is comin' it rayther powerful, this is. I -never heerd a biled leg o' mutton called a swarry afore. I wonder -wot they'd call a roast one.' - -However, without waiting to debate the point, Sam at once -betook himself into the presence of Mr. Pickwick, and requested -leave of absence for that evening, which was readily granted. -With this permission and the street-door key, Sam Weller issued -forth a little before the appointed time, and strolled leisurely -towards Queen Square, which he no sooner gained than he had -the satisfaction of beholding Mr. John Smauker leaning his -powdered head against a lamp-post at a short distance off, -smoking a cigar through an amber tube. - -'How do you do, Mr. Weller?' said Mr. John Smauker, raising -his hat gracefully with one hand, while he gently waved the other -in a condescending manner. 'How do you do, Sir?' - -'Why, reasonably conwalessent,' replied Sam. 'How do YOU -find yourself, my dear feller?' - -'Only so so,' said Mr. John Smauker. - -'Ah, you've been a-workin' too hard,' observed Sam. 'I was -fearful you would; it won't do, you know; you must not give way -to that 'ere uncompromisin' spirit o' yourn.' - -'It's not so much that, Mr. Weller,' replied Mr. John Smauker, -'as bad wine; I'm afraid I've been dissipating.' - -'Oh! that's it, is it?' said Sam; 'that's a wery bad complaint, that.' - -'And yet the temptation, you see, Mr. Weller,' observed Mr. -John Smauker. - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Sam. - -'Plunged into the very vortex of society, you know, Mr. -Weller,' said Mr. John Smauker, with a sigh. - -'Dreadful, indeed!' rejoined Sam. - -'But it's always the way,' said Mr. John Smauker; 'if your -destiny leads you into public life, and public station, you must -expect to be subjected to temptations which other people is free -from, Mr. Weller.' - -'Precisely what my uncle said, ven he vent into the public line,' -remarked Sam, 'and wery right the old gen'l'm'n wos, for he -drank hisself to death in somethin' less than a quarter.' -Mr. John Smauker looked deeply indignant at any parallel -being drawn between himself and the deceased gentleman in -question; but, as Sam's face was in the most immovable state of -calmness, he thought better of it, and looked affable again. -'Perhaps we had better be walking,' said Mr. Smauker, -consulting a copper timepiece which dwelt at the bottom of a deep -watch-pocket, and was raised to the surface by means of a black -string, with a copper key at the other end. - -'P'raps we had,' replied Sam, 'or they'll overdo the swarry, and -that'll spile it.' - -'Have you drank the waters, Mr. Weller?' inquired his -companion, as they walked towards High Street. - -'Once,' replied Sam. - -'What did you think of 'em, Sir?' - -'I thought they was particklery unpleasant,' replied Sam. - -'Ah,' said Mr. John Smauker, 'you disliked the killibeate -taste, perhaps?' - -'I don't know much about that 'ere,' said Sam. 'I thought -they'd a wery strong flavour o' warm flat irons.' - -'That IS the killibeate, Mr. Weller,' observed Mr. John Smauker -contemptuously. - -'Well, if it is, it's a wery inexpressive word, that's all,' said -Sam. 'It may be, but I ain't much in the chimical line myself, so -I can't say.' And here, to the great horror of Mr. John Smauker, -Sam Weller began to whistle. - -'I beg your pardon, Mr. Weller,' said Mr. John Smauker, -agonised at the exceeding ungenteel sound, 'will you take my arm?' - -'Thank'ee, you're wery good, but I won't deprive you of it,' -replied Sam. 'I've rayther a way o' putting my hands in my -pockets, if it's all the same to you.' As Sam said this, he suited -the action to the word, and whistled far louder than before. - -'This way,' said his new friend, apparently much relieved as -they turned down a by-street; 'we shall soon be there.' - -'Shall we?' said Sam, quite unmoved by the announcement of -his close vicinity to the select footmen of Bath. - -'Yes,' said Mr. John Smauker. 'Don't be alarmed, Mr. Weller.' - -'Oh, no,' said Sam. - -'You'll see some very handsome uniforms, Mr. Weller,' continued -Mr. John Smauker; 'and perhaps you'll find some of the -gentlemen rather high at first, you know, but they'll soon come round.' - -'That's wery kind on 'em,' replied Sam. -'And you know,' resumed Mr. John Smauker, with an air of -sublime protection--'you know, as you're a stranger, perhaps, -they'll be rather hard upon you at first.' - -'They won't be wery cruel, though, will they?' inquired Sam. - -'No, no,' replied Mr. John Smauker, pulling forth the fox's -head, and taking a gentlemanly pinch. 'There are some funny -dogs among us, and they will have their joke, you know; but you -mustn't mind 'em, you mustn't mind 'em.' - -'I'll try and bear up agin such a reg'lar knock down o' talent,' -replied Sam. - -'That's right,' said Mr. John Smauker, putting forth his fox's -head, and elevating his own; 'I'll stand by you.' - -By this time they had reached a small greengrocer's shop, -which Mr. John Smauker entered, followed by Sam, who, the -moment he got behind him, relapsed into a series of the very -broadest and most unmitigated grins, and manifested other -demonstrations of being in a highly enviable state of inward merriment. - -Crossing the greengrocer's shop, and putting their hats on the -stairs in the little passage behind it, they walked into a small -parlour; and here the full splendour of the scene burst upon Mr. -Weller's view. - -A couple of tables were put together in the middle of the -parlour, covered with three or four cloths of different ages and -dates of washing, arranged to look as much like one as the -circumstances of the case would allow. Upon these were laid -knives and forks for six or eight people. Some of the knife -handles were green, others red, and a few yellow; and as all the -forks were black, the combination of colours was exceedingly -striking. Plates for a corresponding number of guests were -warming behind the fender; and the guests themselves were -warming before it: the chief and most important of whom appeared -to be a stoutish gentleman in a bright crimson coat with long -tails, vividly red breeches, and a cocked hat, who was standing -with his back to the fire, and had apparently just entered, for -besides retaining his cocked hat on his head, he carried in his -hand a high stick, such as gentlemen of his profession usually -elevate in a sloping position over the roofs of carriages. - -'Smauker, my lad, your fin,' said the gentleman with the -cocked hat. - -Mr. Smauker dovetailed the top joint of his right-hand little -finger into that of the gentleman with the cocked hat, and said he -was charmed to see him looking so well. - -'Well, they tell me I am looking pretty blooming,' said -the man with the cocked hat, 'and it's a wonder, too. I've -been following our old woman about, two hours a day, for -the last fortnight; and if a constant contemplation of the -manner in which she hooks-and-eyes that infernal lavender- -coloured old gown of hers behind, isn't enough to throw anybody -into a low state of despondency for life, stop my quarter's salary.' - -At this, the assembled selections laughed very heartily; and -one gentleman in a yellow waistcoat, with a coach-trimming -border, whispered a neighbour in green-foil smalls, that Tuckle -was in spirits to-night. - -'By the bye,' said Mr. Tuckle, 'Smauker, my boy, you--' -The remainder of the sentence was forwarded into Mr. John -Smauker's ear, by whisper. - -'Oh, dear me, I quite forgot,' said Mr. John Smauker. -'Gentlemen, my friend Mr. Weller.' - -'Sorry to keep the fire off you, Weller,' said Mr. Tuckle, with a -familiar nod. 'Hope you're not cold, Weller.' - -'Not by no means, Blazes,' replied Sam. 'It 'ud be a wery chilly -subject as felt cold wen you stood opposite. You'd save coals if -they put you behind the fender in the waitin'-room at a public -office, you would.' - -As this retort appeared to convey rather a personal allusion to -Mr. Tuckle's crimson livery, that gentleman looked majestic for -a few seconds, but gradually edging away from the fire, broke -into a forced smile, and said it wasn't bad. - -'Wery much obliged for your good opinion, sir,' replied Sam. -'We shall get on by degrees, I des-say. We'll try a better one by -and bye.' - -At this point the conversation was interrupted by the arrival -of a gentleman in orange-coloured plush, accompanied by -another selection in purple cloth, with a great extent of stocking. -The new-comers having been welcomed by the old ones, Mr. -Tuckle put the question that supper be ordered in, which was -carried unanimously. - -The greengrocer and his wife then arranged upon the table a -boiled leg of mutton, hot, with caper sauce, turnips, and potatoes. -Mr. Tuckle took the chair, and was supported at the other end -of the board by the gentleman in orange plush. The greengrocer -put on a pair of wash-leather gloves to hand the plates with, and -stationed himself behind Mr. Tuckle's chair. - -'Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, in a commanding tone. -'Sir,' said the greengrocer. - -'Have you got your gloves on?' -'Yes, Sir.' - -'Then take the kiver off.' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -The greengrocer did as he was told, with a show of great -humility, and obsequiously handed Mr. Tuckle the carving- -knife; in doing which, he accidentally gaped. - -'What do you mean by that, Sir?' said Mr. Tuckle, with great asperity. - -'I beg your pardon, Sir,' replied the crestfallen greengrocer, 'I -didn't mean to do it, Sir; I was up very late last night, Sir.' - -'I tell you what my opinion of you is, Harris,' said Mr. Tuckle, -with a most impressive air, 'you're a wulgar beast.' - -'I hope, gentlemen,' said Harris, 'that you won't be severe -with me, gentlemen. I am very much obliged to you indeed, -gentlemen, for your patronage, and also for your recommendations, -gentlemen, whenever additional assistance in waiting is -required. I hope, gentlemen, I give satisfaction.' - -'No, you don't, Sir,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Very far from it, Sir.' - -'We consider you an inattentive reskel,' said the gentleman in -the orange plush. - -'And a low thief,' added the gentleman in the green-foil smalls. - -'And an unreclaimable blaygaird,' added the gentleman in purple. - -The poor greengrocer bowed very humbly while these little -epithets were bestowed upon him, in the true spirit of the very -smallest tyranny; and when everybody had said something to -show his superiority, Mr. Tuckle proceeded to carve the leg of -mutton, and to help the company. - -This important business of the evening had hardly commenced, -when the door was thrown briskly open, and another -gentleman in a light-blue suit, and leaden buttons, made his appearance. - -'Against the rules,' said Mr. Tuckle. 'Too late, too late.' - -'No, no; positively I couldn't help it,' said the gentleman in -blue. 'I appeal to the company. An affair of gallantry now, an -appointment at the theayter.' - -'Oh, that indeed,' said the gentleman in the orange plush. - -'Yes; raly now, honour bright,' said the man in blue. 'I made a -promese to fetch our youngest daughter at half-past ten, and she -is such an uncauminly fine gal, that I raly hadn't the 'art to -disappint her. No offence to the present company, Sir, but a -petticut, sir--a petticut, Sir, is irrevokeable.' - -'I begin to suspect there's something in that quarter,' said -Tuckle, as the new-comer took his seat next Sam, 'I've remarked, -once or twice, that she leans very heavy on your shoulder when -she gets in and out of the carriage.' - -'Oh, raly, raly, Tuckle, you shouldn't,' said the man in blue. -'It's not fair. I may have said to one or two friends that she wos a -very divine creechure, and had refused one or two offers without -any hobvus cause, but--no, no, no, indeed, Tuckle--before -strangers, too--it's not right--you shouldn't. Delicacy, my -dear friend, delicacy!' And the man in blue, pulling up his -neckerchief, and adjusting his coat cuffs, nodded and frowned as -if there were more behind, which he could say if he liked, but was -bound in honour to suppress. - -The man in blue being a light-haired, stiff-necked, free and easy -sort of footman, with a swaggering air and pert face, had -attracted Mr. Weller's special attention at first, but when he -began to come out in this way, Sam felt more than ever disposed -to cultivate his acquaintance; so he launched himself into the -conversation at once, with characteristic independence. - -'Your health, Sir,' said Sam. 'I like your conversation much. -I think it's wery pretty.' - -At this the man in blue smiled, as if it were a compliment he -was well used to; but looked approvingly on Sam at the same -time, and said he hoped he should be better acquainted with him, -for without any flattery at all he seemed to have the makings of a -very nice fellow about him, and to be just the man after his own heart. - -'You're wery good, sir,' said Sam. 'What a lucky feller you are!' - -'How do you mean?' inquired the gentleman in blue. - -'That 'ere young lady,' replied Sam.'She knows wot's wot, she -does. Ah! I see.' Mr. Weller closed one eye, and shook his head -from side to side, in a manner which was highly gratifying to the -personal vanity of the gentleman in blue. - -'I'm afraid your a cunning fellow, Mr. Weller,' said that -individual. - -'No, no,' said Sam. 'I leave all that 'ere to you. It's a great deal -more in your way than mine, as the gen'l'm'n on the right side o' -the garden vall said to the man on the wrong un, ven the mad -bull vos a-comin' up the lane.' - -'Well, well, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'I think she -has remarked my air and manner, Mr. Weller.' - -'I should think she couldn't wery well be off o' that,' said Sam. - -'Have you any little thing of that kind in hand, sir?' inquired -the favoured gentleman in blue, drawing a toothpick from his -waistcoat pocket. - -'Not exactly,' said Sam. 'There's no daughters at my place, -else o' course I should ha' made up to vun on 'em. As it is, I don't -think I can do with anythin' under a female markis. I might keep -up with a young 'ooman o' large property as hadn't a title, if she -made wery fierce love to me. Not else.' - -'Of course not, Mr. Weller,' said the gentleman in blue, 'one -can't be troubled, you know; and WE know, Mr. Weller--we, -who are men of the world--that a good uniform must work its -way with the women, sooner or later. In fact, that's the only -thing, between you and me, that makes the service worth entering into.' - -'Just so,' said Sam. 'That's it, o' course.' - -When this confidential dialogue had gone thus far, glasses were -placed round, and every gentleman ordered what he liked best, -before the public-house shut up. The gentleman in blue, and the -man in orange, who were the chief exquisites of the party, -ordered 'cold shrub and water,' but with the others, gin-and- -water, sweet, appeared to be the favourite beverage. Sam called -the greengrocer a 'desp'rate willin,' and ordered a large bowl of -punch--two circumstances which seemed to raise him very much -in the opinion of the selections. - -'Gentlemen,' said the man in blue, with an air of the most -consummate dandyism, 'I'll give you the ladies; come.' - -'Hear, hear!' said Sam. 'The young mississes.' - -Here there was a loud cry of 'Order,' and Mr. John Smauker, -as the gentleman who had introduced Mr. Weller into that -company, begged to inform him that the word he had just made use -of, was unparliamentary. - -'Which word was that 'ere, Sir?' inquired Sam. -'Mississes, Sir,' replied Mr. John Smauker, with an alarming -frown. 'We don't recognise such distinctions here.' - -'Oh, wery good,' said Sam; 'then I'll amend the obserwation -and call 'em the dear creeturs, if Blazes vill allow me.' - -Some doubt appeared to exist in the mind of the gentleman in -the green-foil smalls, whether the chairman could be legally -appealed to, as 'Blazes,' but as the company seemed more -disposed to stand upon their own rights than his, the question -was not raised. The man with the cocked hat breathed short, and -looked long at Sam, but apparently thought it as well to say -nothing, in case he should get the worst of it. -After a short silence, a gentleman in an embroidered coat -reaching down to his heels, and a waistcoat of the same which -kept one half of his legs warm, stirred his gin-and-water with -great energy, and putting himself upon his feet, all at once by a -violent effort, said he was desirous of offering a few remarks to -the company, whereupon the person in the cocked hat had no -doubt that the company would be very happy to hear any -remarks that the man in the long coat might wish to offer. - -'I feel a great delicacy, gentlemen, in coming for'ard,' said the -man in the long coat, 'having the misforchune to be a coachman, -and being only admitted as a honorary member of these agreeable -swarrys, but I do feel myself bound, gentlemen--drove into a -corner, if I may use the expression--to make known an afflicting -circumstance which has come to my knowledge; which has -happened I may say within the soap of my everyday contemplation. -Gentlemen, our friend Mr. Whiffers (everybody looked at -the individual in orange), our friend Mr. Whiffers has resigned.' - -Universal astonishment fell upon the hearers. Each gentleman -looked in his neighbour's face, and then transferred his glance to -the upstanding coachman. - -'You may well be sapparised, gentlemen,' said the coachman. -'I will not wenchure to state the reasons of this irrepairabel loss -to the service, but I will beg Mr. Whiffers to state them himself, -for the improvement and imitation of his admiring friends.' - -The suggestion being loudly approved of, Mr. Whiffers -explained. He said he certainly could have wished to have continued -to hold the appointment he had just resigned. The uniform -was extremely rich and expensive, the females of the family -was most agreeable, and the duties of the situation was not, he -was bound to say, too heavy; the principal service that was -required of him, being, that he should look out of the hall -window as much as possible, in company with another gentleman, -who had also resigned. He could have wished to have spared that -company the painful and disgusting detail on which he was about -to enter, but as the explanation had been demanded of him, he -had no alternative but to state, boldly and distinctly, that he had -been required to eat cold meat. - -It is impossible to conceive the disgust which this avowal -awakened in the bosoms of the hearers. Loud cries of 'Shame,' -mingled with groans and hisses, prevailed for a quarter of an hour. - -Mr. Whiffers then added that he feared a portion of this -outrage might be traced to his own forbearing and accommodating -disposition. He had a distinct recollection of having once -consented to eat salt butter, and he had, moreover, on an occasion -of sudden sickness in the house, so far forgotten himself as to -carry a coal-scuttle up to the second floor. He trusted he had not -lowered himself in the good opinion of his friends by this frank -confession of his faults; and he hoped the promptness with which -he had resented the last unmanly outrage on his feelings, to -which he had referred, would reinstate him in their good opinion, -if he had. - -Mr. Whiffers's address was responded to, with a shout of -admiration, and the health of the interesting martyr was drunk -in a most enthusiastic manner; for this, the martyr returned -thanks, and proposed their visitor, Mr. Weller--a gentleman -whom he had not the pleasure of an intimate acquaintance with, -but who was the friend of Mr. John Smauker, which was a -sufficient letter of recommendation to any society of gentlemen -whatever, or wherever. On this account, he should have been -disposed to have given Mr. Weller's health with all the honours, -if his friends had been drinking wine; but as they were taking -spirits by way of a change, and as it might be inconvenient to -empty a tumbler at every toast, he should propose that the -honours be understood. - -At the conclusion of this speech, everybody took a sip in -honour of Sam; and Sam having ladled out, and drunk, two full -glasses of punch in honour of himself, returned thanks in a neat speech. - -'Wery much obliged to you, old fellers,' said Sam, ladling -away at the punch in the most unembarrassed manner possible, -'for this here compliment; which, comin' from sich a quarter, is -wery overvelmin'. I've heered a good deal on you as a body, but -I will say, that I never thought you was sich uncommon nice men -as I find you air. I only hope you'll take care o' yourselves, and -not compromise nothin' o' your dignity, which is a wery charmin' -thing to see, when one's out a-walkin', and has always made me -wery happy to look at, ever since I was a boy about half as high -as the brass-headed stick o' my wery respectable friend, Blazes, -there. As to the wictim of oppression in the suit o' brimstone, all -I can say of him, is, that I hope he'll get jist as good a berth as he -deserves; in vitch case it's wery little cold swarry as ever he'll be -troubled with agin.' - -Here Sam sat down with a pleasant smile, and his speech -having been vociferously applauded, the company broke up. - -'Wy, you don't mean to say you're a-goin' old feller?' said -Sam Weller to his friend, Mr. John Smauker. - -'I must, indeed,' said Mr. Smauker; 'I promised Bantam.' - -'Oh, wery well,' said Sam; 'that's another thing. P'raps he'd -resign if you disappinted him. You ain't a-goin', Blazes?' - -'Yes, I am,' said the man with the cocked hat. - -'Wot, and leave three-quarters of a bowl of punch behind -you!' said Sam; 'nonsense, set down agin.' - -Mr. Tuckle was not proof against this invitation. He laid aside -the cocked hat and stick which he had just taken up, and said he -would have one glass, for good fellowship's sake. - -As the gentleman in blue went home the same way as Mr. -Tuckle, he was prevailed upon to stop too. When the punch was -about half gone, Sam ordered in some oysters from the green- -grocer's shop; and the effect of both was so extremely exhilarating, -that Mr. Tuckle, dressed out with the cocked hat and stick, -danced the frog hornpipe among the shells on the table, while the -gentleman in blue played an accompaniment upon an ingenious -musical instrument formed of a hair-comb upon a curl-paper. -At last, when the punch was all gone, and the night nearly so, -they sallied forth to see each other home. Mr. Tuckle no sooner -got into the open air, than he was seized with a sudden desire to -lie on the curbstone; Sam thought it would be a pity to contradict -him, and so let him have his own way. As the cocked hat would -have been spoiled if left there, Sam very considerately flattened it -down on the head of the gentleman in blue, and putting the big -stick in his hand, propped him up against his own street-door, -rang the bell, and walked quietly home. - -At a much earlier hour next morning than his usual time of -rising, Mr. Pickwick walked downstairs completely dressed, and -rang the bell. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller appeared in reply -to the summons, 'shut the door.' - -Mr. Weller did so. - -'There was an unfortunate occurrence here, last night, Sam,' -said Mr. Pickwick, 'which gave Mr. Winkle some cause to -apprehend violence from Mr. Dowler.' - -'So I've heerd from the old lady downstairs, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'And I'm sorry to say, Sam,' continued Mr. Pickwick, with a -most perplexed countenance, 'that in dread of this violence, -Mr. Winkle has gone away.' - -'Gone avay!' said Sam. - -'Left the house early this morning, without the slightest -previous communication with me,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'And -is gone, I know not where.' - -'He should ha' stopped and fought it out, Sir,' replied Sam -contemptuously. 'It wouldn't take much to settle that 'ere -Dowler, Sir.' - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I may have my doubts of his -great bravery and determination also. But however that may be, -Mr. Winkle is gone. He must be found, Sam. Found and brought -back to me.' -'And s'pose he won't come back, Sir?' said Sam. - -'He must be made, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Who's to do it, Sir?' inquired Sam, with a smile. - -'You,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery good, Sir.' - -With these words Mr. Weller left the room, and immediately -afterwards was heard to shut the street door. In two hours' time -he returned with so much coolness as if he had been despatched -on the most ordinary message possible, and brought the information -that an individual, in every respect answering Mr. Winkle's -description, had gone over to Bristol that morning, by the branch -coach from the Royal Hotel. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, grasping his hand, 'you're a capital -fellow; an invaluable fellow. You must follow him, Sam.' - -'Cert'nly, Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'The instant you discover him, write to me immediately, Sam,' -said Mr. Pickwick. 'If he attempts to run away from you, knock -him down, or lock him up. You have my full authority, Sam.' - -'I'll be wery careful, sir,' rejoined Sam. - -'You'll tell him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that I am highly excited, -highly displeased, and naturally indignant, at the very -extraordinary course he has thought proper to pursue.' - -'I will, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'You'll tell him,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that if he does not come -back to this very house, with you, he will come back with me, for -I will come and fetch him.' - -'I'll mention that 'ere, Sir,' rejoined Sam. - -'You think you can find him, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking -earnestly in his face. - -'Oh, I'll find him if he's anyvere,' rejoined Sam, with -great confidence. - -'Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Then the sooner you go the -better.' - -With these instructions, Mr. Pickwick placed a sum of money -in the hands of his faithful servitor, and ordered him to start for -Bristol immediately, in pursuit of the fugitive. - -Sam put a few necessaries in a carpet-bag, and was ready for -starting. He stopped when he had got to the end of the passage, -and walking quietly back, thrust his head in at the parlour door. - -'Sir,' whispered Sam. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I fully understands my instructions, do I, Sir?' inquired Sam. - -'I hope so,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's reg'larly understood about the knockin' down, is it, Sir?' -inquired Sam. - -'Perfectly,' replied Pickwick. 'Thoroughly. Do what you think -necessary. You have my orders.' - -Sam gave a nod of intelligence, and withdrawing his head -from the door, set forth on his pilgrimage with a light heart. - - - -CHAPTER XXXVIII -HOW Mr. WINKLE, WHEN HE STEPPED OUT OF THE - FRYING-PAN, WALKED GENTLY AND COMFORTABLY INTO - THE FIRE - - -The ill-starred gentleman who had been the unfortunate cause of -the unusual noise and disturbance which alarmed the inhabitants of -the Royal Crescent in manner and form already described, after -passing a night of great confusion and anxiety, left the roof -beneath which his friends still slumbered, bound he knew not whither. -The excellent and considerate feelings which prompted Mr. Winkle to -take this step can never be too highly appreciated or too warmly -extolled. 'If,' reasoned Mr. Winkle with himself--'if this Dowler -attempts (as I have no doubt he will) to carry into execution his -threat of personal violence against myself, it will be incumbent on me -to call him out. He has a wife; that wife is attached to, and -dependent on him. Heavens! If I should kill him in the blindness of my -wrath, what would be my feelings ever afterwards!' This painful -consideration operated so powerfully on the feelings of the humane -young man, as to cause his knees to knock together, and his -countenance to exhibit alarming manifestations of inward -emotion. Impelled by such reflections, he grasped his carpet- -bag, and creeping stealthily downstairs, shut the detestable street -door with as little noise as possible, and walked off. Bending his -steps towards the Royal Hotel, he found a coach on the point of -starting for Bristol, and, thinking Bristol as good a place for his -purpose as any other he could go to, he mounted the box, and -reached his place of destination in such time as the pair of horses, -who went the whole stage and back again, twice a day or more, -could be reasonably supposed to arrive there. -He took up his quarters at the Bush, and designing to postpone -any communication by letter with Mr. Pickwick until it was -probable that Mr. Dowler's wrath might have in some degree -evaporated, walked forth to view the city, which struck him as -being a shade more dirty than any place he had ever seen. Having -inspected the docks and shipping, and viewed the cathedral, he -inquired his way to Clifton, and being directed thither, took the -route which was pointed out to him. But as the pavements of -Bristol are not the widest or cleanest upon earth, so its streets are -not altogether the straightest or least intricate; and Mr. Winkle, -being greatly puzzled by their manifold windings and twistings, -looked about him for a decent shop in which he could apply -afresh for counsel and instruction. - -His eye fell upon a newly-painted tenement which had been -recently converted into something between a shop and a private -house, and which a red lamp, projecting over the fanlight of the -street door, would have sufficiently announced as the residence -of a medical practitioner, even if the word 'Surgery' had not been -inscribed in golden characters on a wainscot ground, above the -window of what, in times bygone, had been the front parlour. -Thinking this an eligible place wherein to make his inquiries, -Mr. Winkle stepped into the little shop where the gilt-labelled -drawers and bottles were; and finding nobody there, knocked -with a half-crown on the counter, to attract the attention of anybody -who might happen to be in the back parlour, which he -judged to be the innermost and peculiar sanctum of the establishment, -from the repetition of the word surgery on the door-- -painted in white letters this time, by way of taking off the monotony. - -At the first knock, a sound, as of persons fencing with fire- -irons, which had until now been very audible, suddenly ceased; -at the second, a studious-looking young gentleman in green -spectacles, with a very large book in his hand, glided quietly into -the shop, and stepping behind the counter, requested to know the -visitor's pleasure. - -'I am sorry to trouble you, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, 'but will you -have the goodness to direct me to--' - -'Ha! ha! ha!' roared the studious young gentleman, throwing -the large book up into the air, and catching it with great dexterity -at the very moment when it threatened to smash to atoms all the -bottles on the counter. 'Here's a start!' - -There was, without doubt; for Mr. Winkle was so very much -astonished at the extraordinary behaviour of the medical gentleman, -that he involuntarily retreated towards the door, and looked -very much disturbed at his strange reception. - -'What, don't you know me?' said the medical gentleman. -Mr. Winkle murmured, in reply, that he had not that pleasure. - -'Why, then,' said the medical gentleman, 'there are hopes for -me yet; I may attend half the old women in Bristol, if I've decent -luck. Get out, you mouldy old villain, get out!' With this adjuration, -which was addressed to the large book, the medical gentleman -kicked the volume with remarkable agility to the farther end -of the shop, and, pulling off his green spectacles, grinned -the identical grin of Robert Sawyer, Esquire, formerly of Guy's -Hospital in the Borough, with a private residence in Lant Street. - -'You don't mean to say you weren't down upon me?' said -Mr. Bob Sawyer, shaking Mr. Winkle's hand with friendly warmth. - -'Upon my word I was not,' replied Mr. Winkle, returning -his pressure. - -'I wonder you didn't see the name,' said Bob Sawyer, calling -his friend's attention to the outer door, on which, in the same -white paint, were traced the words 'Sawyer, late Nockemorf.' - -'It never caught my eye,' returned Mr. Winkle. - -'Lord, if I had known who you were, I should have rushed out, -and caught you in my arms,' said Bob Sawyer; 'but upon my -life, I thought you were the King's-taxes.' - -'No!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I did, indeed,' responded Bob Sawyer, 'and I was just going to -say that I wasn't at home, but if you'd leave a message I'd be sure -to give it to myself; for he don't know me; no more does the -Lighting and Paving. I think the Church-rates guesses who I am, -and I know the Water-works does, because I drew a tooth of his -when I first came down here. But come in, come in!' Chattering -in this way, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed Mr. Winkle into the back -room, where, amusing himself by boring little circular caverns in -the chimney-piece with a red-hot poker, sat no less a person than -Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'Well!' said Mr. Winkle. 'This is indeed a pleasure I did not -expect. What a very nice place you have here!' - -'Pretty well, pretty well,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'I PASSED, soon -after that precious party, and my friends came down with the -needful for this business; so I put on a black suit of clothes, and -a pair of spectacles, and came here to look as solemn as I could.' - -'And a very snug little business you have, no doubt?' said -Mr. Winkle knowingly. - -'Very,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'So snug, that at the end of a few -years you might put all the profits in a wine-glass, and cover 'em -over with a gooseberry leaf.' -'You cannot surely mean that?' said Mr. Winkle. 'The stock itself--' -'Dummies, my dear boy,' said Bob Sawyer; 'half the drawers -have nothing in 'em, and the other half don't open.' - -'Nonsense!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Fact--honour!' returned Bob Sawyer, stepping out into the -shop, and demonstrating the veracity of the assertion by divers -hard pulls at the little gilt knobs on the counterfeit drawers. -'Hardly anything real in the shop but the leeches, and THEY are -second-hand.' - -'I shouldn't have thought it!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, much surprised. - -'I hope not,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'else where's the use of -appearances, eh? But what will you take? Do as we do? That's -right. Ben, my fine fellow, put your hand into the cupboard, and -bring out the patent digester.' - -Mr. Benjamin Allen smiled his readiness, and produced from -the closet at his elbow a black bottle half full of brandy. - -'You don't take water, of course?' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Thank you,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'It's rather early. I should -like to qualify it, if you have no objection.' - -'None in the least, if you can reconcile it to your conscience,' -replied Bob Sawyer, tossing off, as he spoke, a glass of the liquor -with great relish. 'Ben, the pipkin!' - -Mr. Benjamin Allen drew forth, from the same hiding-place, a -small brass pipkin, which Bob Sawyer observed he prided himself -upon, particularly because it looked so business-like. The water -in the professional pipkin having been made to boil, in course of -time, by various little shovelfuls of coal, which Mr. Bob Sawyer -took out of a practicable window-seat, labelled 'Soda Water,' -Mr. Winkle adulterated his brandy; and the conversation was -becoming general, when it was interrupted by the entrance into -the shop of a boy, in a sober gray livery and a gold-laced hat, -with a small covered basket under his arm, whom Mr. Bob -Sawyer immediately hailed with, 'Tom, you vagabond, come here.' - -The boy presented himself accordingly. - -'You've been stopping to "over" all the posts in Bristol, you -idle young scamp!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'No, sir, I haven't,' replied the boy. - -'You had better not!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a threatening -aspect. 'Who do you suppose will ever employ a professional -man, when they see his boy playing at marbles in the gutter, or -flying the garter in the horse-road? Have you no feeling for your -profession, you groveller? Did you leave all the medicine?' -'Yes, Sir.' - -'The powders for the child, at the large house with the new -family, and the pills to be taken four times a day at the ill- -tempered old gentleman's with the gouty leg?' - -'Yes, sir.' - -'Then shut the door, and mind the shop.' - -'Come,' said Mr. Winkle, as the boy retired, 'things are not -quite so bad as you would have me believe, either. There is SOME -medicine to be sent out.' - -Mr. Bob Sawyer peeped into the shop to see that no stranger -was within hearing, and leaning forward to Mr. Winkle, said, in a -low tone-- - -'He leaves it all at the wrong houses.' - -Mr. Winkle looked perplexed, and Bob Sawyer and his friend laughed. - -'Don't you see?' said Bob. 'He goes up to a house, rings the -area bell, pokes a packet of medicine without a direction into the -servant's hand, and walks off. Servant takes it into the dining- -parlour; master opens it, and reads the label: "Draught to be -taken at bedtime--pills as before--lotion as usual--the powder. -From Sawyer's, late Nockemorf's. Physicians' prescriptions -carefully prepared," and all the rest of it. Shows it to his wife-- -she reads the label; it goes down to the servants--THEY read the -label. Next day, boy calls: "Very sorry--his mistake--immense -business--great many parcels to deliver--Mr. Sawyer's -compliments--late Nockemorf." The name gets known, and that's -the thing, my boy, in the medical way. Bless your heart, old -fellow, it's better than all the advertising in the world. We have -got one four-ounce bottle that's been to half the houses in Bristol, -and hasn't done yet.' - -'Dear me, I see,' observed Mr. Winkle; 'what an excellent plan!' - -'Oh, Ben and I have hit upon a dozen such,' replied Bob -Sawyer, with great glee. 'The lamplighter has eighteenpence a -week to pull the night-bell for ten minutes every time he comes -round; and my boy always rushes into the church just before the -psalms, when the people have got nothing to do but look about -'em, and calls me out, with horror and dismay depicted on his -countenance. "Bless my soul," everybody says, "somebody taken -suddenly ill! Sawyer, late Nockemorf, sent for. What a business -that young man has!"' - -At the termination of this disclosure of some of the mysteries -of medicine, Mr. Bob Sawyer and his friend, Ben Allen, threw -themselves back in their respective chairs, and laughed boisterously. -When they had enjoyed the joke to their heart's content, the -discourse changed to topics in which Mr. Winkle was more -immediately interested. - -We think we have hinted elsewhere, that Mr. Benjamin Allen -had a way of becoming sentimental after brandy. The case is not -a peculiar one, as we ourself can testify, having, on a few -occasions, had to deal with patients who have been afflicted in a -similar manner. At this precise period of his existence, Mr. Benjamin -Allen had perhaps a greater predisposition to maudlinism -than he had ever known before; the cause of which malady was -briefly this. He had been staying nearly three weeks with Mr. Bob -Sawyer; Mr. Bob Sawyer was not remarkable for temperance, -nor was Mr. Benjamin Allen for the ownership of a very strong -head; the consequence was that, during the whole space of time -just mentioned, Mr. Benjamin Allen had been wavering between -intoxication partial, and intoxication complete. - -'My dear friend,' said Mr. Ben Allen, taking advantage of -Mr. Bob Sawyer's temporary absence behind the counter, -whither he had retired to dispense some of the second-hand -leeches, previously referred to; 'my dear friend, I am very miserable.' - -Mr. Winkle professed his heartfelt regret to hear it, and -begged to know whether he could do anything to alleviate the -sorrows of the suffering student. - -'Nothing, my dear boy, nothing,' said Ben. 'You recollect -Arabella, Winkle? My sister Arabella--a little girl, Winkle, with -black eyes--when we were down at Wardle's? I don't know -whether you happened to notice her--a nice little girl, Winkle. -Perhaps my features may recall her countenance to your recollection?' - -Mr. Winkle required nothing to recall the charming Arabella -to his mind; and it was rather fortunate he did not, for the -features of her brother Benjamin would unquestionably have -proved but an indifferent refresher to his memory. He answered, -with as much calmness as he could assume, that he perfectly -remembered the young lady referred to, and sincerely trusted she -was in good health. - -'Our friend Bob is a delightful fellow, Winkle,' was the only -reply of Mr. Ben Allen. - -'Very,' said Mr. Winkle, not much relishing this close -connection of the two names. - -'I designed 'em for each other; they were made for each other, -sent into the world for each other, born for each other, Winkle,' -said Mr. Ben Allen, setting down his glass with emphasis. -'There's a special destiny in the matter, my dear sir; there's only -five years' difference between 'em, and both their birthdays are -in August.' - -Mr. Winkle was too anxious to hear what was to follow to -express much wonderment at this extraordinary coincidence, -marvellous as it was; so Mr. Ben Allen, after a tear or two, went -on to say that, notwithstanding all his esteem and respect and -veneration for his friend, Arabella had unaccountably and -undutifully evinced the most determined antipathy to his person. - -'And I think,' said Mr. Ben Allen, in conclusion. 'I think -there's a prior attachment.' - -'Have you any idea who the object of it might be?' asked Mr. -Winkle, with great trepidation. - -Mr. Ben Allen seized the poker, flourished it in a warlike -manner above his head, inflicted a savage blow on an imaginary -skull, and wound up by saying, in a very expressive manner, that -he only wished he could guess; that was all. - -'I'd show him what I thought of him,' said Mr. Ben Allen. -And round went the poker again, more fiercely than before. - -All this was, of course, very soothing to the feelings of Mr. -Winkle, who remained silent for a few minutes; but at length -mustered up resolution to inquire whether Miss Allen was in Kent. - -'No, no,' said Mr. Ben Allen, laying aside the poker, and -looking very cunning; 'I didn't think Wardle's exactly the place -for a headstrong girl; so, as I am her natural protector and -guardian, our parents being dead, I have brought her down into -this part of the country to spend a few months at an old aunt's, in -a nice, dull, close place. I think that will cure her, my boy. If it -doesn't, I'll take her abroad for a little while, and see what -that'll do.' - -'Oh, the aunt's is in Bristol, is it?' faltered Mr. Winkle. - -'No, no, not in Bristol,' replied Mr. Ben Allen, jerking his -thumb over his right shoulder; 'over that way--down there. -But, hush, here's Bob. Not a word, my dear friend, not a word.' - -Short as this conversation was, it roused in Mr. Winkle the -highest degree of excitement and anxiety. The suspected prior -attachment rankled in his heart. Could he be the object of it? -Could it be for him that the fair Arabella had looked scornfully -on the sprightly Bob Sawyer, or had he a successful rival? He -determined to see her, cost what it might; but here an insurmountable -objection presented itself, for whether the explanatory -'over that way,' and 'down there,' of Mr. Ben Allen, meant three -miles off, or thirty, or three hundred, he could in no wise guess. - -But he had no opportunity of pondering over his love just then, -for Bob Sawyer's return was the immediate precursor of the -arrival of a meat-pie from the baker's, of which that gentleman -insisted on his staying to partake. The cloth was laid by an -occasional charwoman, who officiated in the capacity of Mr. Bob -Sawyer's housekeeper; and a third knife and fork having been -borrowed from the mother of the boy in the gray livery (for -Mr. Sawyer's domestic arrangements were as yet conducted on -a limited scale), they sat down to dinner; the beer being served -up, as Mr. Sawyer remarked, 'in its native pewter.' - -After dinner, Mr. Bob Sawyer ordered in the largest mortar in -the shop, and proceeded to brew a reeking jorum of rum-punch -therein, stirring up and amalgamating the materials with a pestle -in a very creditable and apothecary-like manner. Mr. Sawyer, -being a bachelor, had only one tumbler in the house, which was -assigned to Mr. Winkle as a compliment to the visitor, Mr. Ben -Allen being accommodated with a funnel with a cork in the -narrow end, and Bob Sawyer contented himself with one of those -wide-lipped crystal vessels inscribed with a variety of cabalistic -characters, in which chemists are wont to measure out their -liquid drugs in compounding prescriptions. These preliminaries -adjusted, the punch was tasted, and pronounced excellent; and it -having been arranged that Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen should be -considered at liberty to fill twice to Mr. Winkle's once, they -started fair, with great satisfaction and good-fellowship. - -There was no singing, because Mr. Bob Sawyer said it wouldn't -look professional; but to make amends for this deprivation there -was so much talking and laughing that it might have been heard, -and very likely was, at the end of the street. Which conversation -materially lightened the hours and improved the mind of Mr. -Bob Sawyer's boy, who, instead of devoting the evening to his -ordinary occupation of writing his name on the counter, and -rubbing it out again, peeped through the glass door, and thus -listened and looked on at the same time. - -The mirth of Mr. Bob Sawyer was rapidly ripening into the -furious, Mr. Ben Allen was fast relapsing into the sentimental, -and the punch had well-nigh disappeared altogether, when the -boy hastily running in, announced that a young woman had just -come over, to say that Sawyer late Nockemorf was wanted -directly, a couple of streets off. This broke up the party. Mr. Bob -Sawyer, understanding the message, after some twenty repetitions, -tied a wet cloth round his head to sober himself, and, having -partially succeeded, put on his green spectacles and issued forth. -Resisting all entreaties to stay till he came back, and finding it -quite impossible to engage Mr. Ben Allen in any intelligible -conversation on the subject nearest his heart, or indeed on -any other, Mr. Winkle took his departure, and returned to the -Bush. - -The anxiety of his mind, and the numerous meditations which -Arabella had awakened, prevented his share of the mortar of -punch producing that effect upon him which it would have had -under other circumstances. So, after taking a glass of soda-water -and brandy at the bar, he turned into the coffee-room, dispirited -rather than elevated by the occurrences of the evening. -Sitting in front of the fire, with his back towards him, was a -tallish gentleman in a greatcoat: the only other occupant of the -room. It was rather a cool evening for the season of the year, and -the gentleman drew his chair aside to afford the new-comer a -sight of the fire. What were Mr. Winkle's feelings when, in doing -so, he disclosed to view the face and figure of the vindictive and -sanguinary Dowler! - -Mr. Winkle's first impulse was to give a violent pull at the -nearest bell-handle, but that unfortunately happened to be -immediately behind Mr. Dowler's head. He had made one step -towards it, before he checked himself. As he did so, Mr. Dowler -very hastily drew back. - -'Mr. Winkle, Sir. Be calm. Don't strike me. I won't bear it. A -blow! Never!' said Mr. Dowler, looking meeker than Mr. Winkle -had expected in a gentleman of his ferocity. - -'A blow, Sir?' stammered Mr. Winkle. - -'A blow, Sir,' replied Dowler. 'Compose your feelings. Sit -down. Hear me.' - -'Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, trembling from head to foot, 'before I -consent to sit down beside, or opposite you, without the presence -of a waiter, I must be secured by some further understanding. -You used a threat against me last night, Sir, a dreadful threat, -Sir.' Here Mr. Winkle turned very pale indeed, and stopped short. - -'I did,' said Dowler, with a countenance almost as white as -Mr. Winkle's. 'Circumstances were suspicious. They have been -explained. I respect your bravery. Your feeling is upright. -Conscious innocence. There's my hand. Grasp it.' - -'Really, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle, hesitating whether to give his -hand or not, and almost fearing that it was demanded in order -that he might be taken at an advantage, 'really, Sir, I--' - -'I know what you mean,' interposed Dowler. 'You feel -aggrieved. Very natural. So should I. I was wrong. I beg your -pardon. Be friendly. Forgive me.' With this, Dowler fairly -forced his hand upon Mr. Winkle, and shaking it with the utmost -vehemence, declared he was a fellow of extreme spirit, and he had -a higher opinion of him than ever. - -'Now,' said Dowler, 'sit down. Relate it all. How did you find -me? When did you follow? Be frank. Tell me.' - -'It's quite accidental,' replied Mr. Winkle, greatly perplexed -by the curious and unexpected nature of the interview. 'Quite.' - -'Glad of it,' said Dowler. 'I woke this morning. I had forgotten -my threat. I laughed at the accident. I felt friendly. I said so.' - -'To whom?' inquired Mr. Winkle. - -'To Mrs. Dowler. "You made a vow," said she. "I did," said I. -"It was a rash one," said she. "It was," said I. "I'll apologise. -Where is he?"' - -'Who?' inquired Mr. Winkle. - -'You,' replied Dowler. 'I went downstairs. You were not to be -found. Pickwick looked gloomy. Shook his head. Hoped no -violence would be committed. I saw it all. You felt yourself -insulted. You had gone, for a friend perhaps. Possibly for pistols. -"High spirit," said I. "I admire him."' - -Mr. Winkle coughed, and beginning to see how the land lay, -assumed a look of importance. - -'I left a note for you,' resumed Dowler. 'I said I was sorry. So -I was. Pressing business called me here. You were not satisfied. -You followed. You required a verbal explanation. You were -right. It's all over now. My business is finished. I go back -to-morrow. Join me.' - -As Dowler progressed in his explanation, Mr. Winkle's -countenance grew more and more dignified. The mysterious -nature of the commencement of their conversation was -explained; Mr. Dowler had as great an objection to duelling as -himself; in short, this blustering and awful personage was one of -the most egregious cowards in existence, and interpreting Mr. -Winkle's absence through the medium of his own fears, had -taken the same step as himself, and prudently retired until all -excitement of feeling should have subsided. - -As the real state of the case dawned upon Mr. Winkle's mind, -he looked very terrible, and said he was perfectly satisfied; but at -the same time, said so with an air that left Mr. Dowler no alternative -but to infer that if he had not been, something most horrible -and destructive must inevitably have occurred. Mr. Dowler -appeared to be impressed with a becoming sense of Mr. Winkle's -magnanimity and condescension; and the two belligerents parted -for the night, with many protestations of eternal friendship. - -About half-past twelve o'clock, when Mr. Winkle had been -revelling some twenty minutes in the full luxury of his first sleep, -he was suddenly awakened by a loud knocking at his chamber -door, which, being repeated with increased vehemence, caused -him to start up in bed, and inquire who was there, and what the -matter was. - -'Please, Sir, here's a young man which says he must see you -directly,' responded the voice of the chambermaid. - -'A young man!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle. - -'No mistake about that 'ere, Sir,' replied another voice through -the keyhole; 'and if that wery same interestin' young creetur ain't -let in vithout delay, it's wery possible as his legs vill enter afore -his countenance.' The young man gave a gentle kick at one of the - -lower panels of the door, after he had given utterance to this hint, -as if to add force and point to the remark. - -'Is that you, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle, springing out of bed. - -'Quite unpossible to identify any gen'l'm'n vith any degree o' -mental satisfaction, vithout lookin' at him, Sir,' replied the -voice dogmatically. - -Mr. Winkle, not much doubting who the young man was, -unlocked the door; which he had no sooner done than Mr. -Samuel Weller entered with great precipitation, and carefully -relocking it on the inside, deliberately put the key in his waistcoat -pocket; and, after surveying Mr. Winkle from head to foot, -said-- - -'You're a wery humorous young gen'l'm'n, you air, Sir!' - -'What do you mean by this conduct, Sam?' inquired Mr. -Winkle indignantly. 'Get out, sir, this instant. What do you -mean, Sir?' - -'What do I mean,' retorted Sam; 'come, Sir, this is rayther too -rich, as the young lady said when she remonstrated with the -pastry-cook, arter he'd sold her a pork pie as had got nothin' but -fat inside. What do I mean! Well, that ain't a bad 'un, that ain't.' - -'Unlock that door, and leave this room immediately, Sir,' said -Mr. Winkle. - -'I shall leave this here room, sir, just precisely at the wery -same moment as you leaves it,' responded Sam, speaking in a -forcible manner, and seating himself with perfect gravity. 'If I -find it necessary to carry you away, pick-a-back, o' course I shall -leave it the least bit o' time possible afore you; but allow me to -express a hope as you won't reduce me to extremities; in saying -wich, I merely quote wot the nobleman said to the fractious -pennywinkle, ven he vouldn't come out of his shell by means of a -pin, and he conseqvently began to be afeered that he should be -obliged to crack him in the parlour door.' At the end of this -address, which was unusually lengthy for him, Mr. Weller -planted his hands on his knees, and looked full in Mr. Winkle's -face, with an expression of countenance which showed that he -had not the remotest intention of being trifled with. - -'You're a amiably-disposed young man, Sir, I don't think,' -resumed Mr. Weller, in a tone of moral reproof, 'to go inwolving -our precious governor in all sorts o' fanteegs, wen he's made up -his mind to go through everythink for principle. You're far -worse nor Dodson, Sir; and as for Fogg, I consider him a born -angel to you!' Mr. Weller having accompanied this last sentiment -with an emphatic slap on each knee, folded his arms with a look -of great disgust, and threw himself back in his chair, as if -awaiting the criminal's defence. - -'My good fellow,' said Mr. Winkle, extending his hand--his -teeth chattering all the time he spoke, for he had been standing, -during the whole of Mr. Weller's lecture, in his night-gear--'my -good fellow, I respect your attachment to my excellent friend, -and I am very sorry indeed to have added to his causes for -disquiet. There, Sam, there!' - -'Well,' said Sam, rather sulkily, but giving the proffered hand -a respectful shake at the same time--'well, so you ought to be, -and I am very glad to find you air; for, if I can help it, I won't -have him put upon by nobody, and that's all about it.' - -'Certainly not, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle. 'There! Now go to bed, -Sam, and we'll talk further about this in the morning.' - -'I'm wery sorry,' said Sam, 'but I can't go to bed.' - -'Not go to bed!' repeated Mr. Winkle. - -'No,' said Sam, shaking his head. 'Can't be done.' - -'You don't mean to say you're going back to-night, Sam?' -urged Mr. Winkle, greatly surprised. - -'Not unless you particklerly wish it,' replied Sam; 'but I -mustn't leave this here room. The governor's orders wos peremptory.' - -'Nonsense, Sam,' said Mr. Winkle, 'I must stop here two or -three days; and more than that, Sam, you must stop here too, -to assist me in gaining an interview with a young lady--Miss -Allen, Sam; you remember her--whom I must and will see before -I leave Bristol.' - -But in reply to each of these positions, Sam shook his head -with great firmness, and energetically replied, 'It can't be done.' - -After a great deal of argument and representation on the part -of Mr. Winkle, however, and a full disclosure of what had passed -in the interview with Dowler, Sam began to waver; and at length -a compromise was effected, of which the following were the main -and principal conditions:-- - -That Sam should retire, and leave Mr. Winkle in the undisturbed -possession of his apartment, on the condition that he had -permission to lock the door on the outside, and carry off the key; -provided always, that in the event of an alarm of fire, or other -dangerous contingency, the door should be instantly unlocked. -That a letter should be written to Mr. Pickwick early next -morning, and forwarded per Dowler, requesting his consent to -Sam and Mr. Winkle's remaining at Bristol, for the purpose and -with the object already assigned, and begging an answer by the -next coach--, if favourable, the aforesaid parties to remain -accordingly, and if not, to return to Bath immediately on the -receipt thereof. And, lastly, that Mr. Winkle should be understood -as distinctly pledging himself not to resort to the window, -fireplace, or other surreptitious mode of escape in the meanwhile. -These stipulations having been concluded, Sam locked the door -and departed. - -He had nearly got downstairs, when he stopped, and drew the -key from his pocket. - -'I quite forgot about the knockin' down,' said Sam, half -turning back. 'The governor distinctly said it was to be done. -Amazin' stupid o' me, that 'ere! Never mind,' said Sam, brightening -up, 'it's easily done to-morrow, anyvays.' - -Apparently much consoled by this reflection, Mr. Weller once -more deposited the key in his pocket, and descending the remainder -of the stairs without any fresh visitations of conscience, -was soon, in common with the other inmates of the house, buried -in profound repose. - - - -CHAPTER XXXIX -Mr. SAMUEL WELLER, BEING INTRUSTED WITH A MISSION - OF LOVE, PROCEEDS TO EXECUTE IT; WITH WHAT SUCCESS - WILL HEREINAFTER APPEAR - - -During the whole of next day, Sam kept Mr. Winkle steadily in -sight, fully determined not to take his eyes off him for one -instant, until he should receive express instructions from the -fountain-head. However disagreeable Sam's very close watch and -great vigilance were to Mr. Winkle, he thought it better to bear -with them, than, by any act of violent opposition, to hazard -being carried away by force, which Mr. Weller more than once -strongly hinted was the line of conduct that a strict sense of duty -prompted him to pursue. There is little reason to doubt that Sam -would very speedily have quieted his scruples, by bearing -Mr. Winkle back to Bath, bound hand and foot, had not Mr. -Pickwick's prompt attention to the note, which Dowler had -undertaken to deliver, forestalled any such proceeding. In -short, at eight o'clock in the evening, Mr. Pickwick himself -walked into the coffee-room of the Bush Tavern, and told Sam -with a smile, to his very great relief, that he had done quite -right, and it was unnecessary for him to mount guard any longer. - -'I thought it better to come myself,' said Mr. Pickwick, -addressing Mr. Winkle, as Sam disencumbered him of his great- -coat and travelling-shawl, 'to ascertain, before I gave my consent -to Sam's employment in this matter, that you are quite in earnest -and serious, with respect to this young lady.' - -'Serious, from my heart--from my soul!'returned Mr. Winkle, -with great energy. - -'Remember,' said Mr. Pickwick, with beaming eyes, 'we met -her at our excellent and hospitable friend's, Winkle. It would be -an ill return to tamper lightly, and without due consideration, -with this young lady's affections. I'll not allow that, sir. I'll not -allow it.' - -'I have no such intention, indeed,' exclaimed Mr. Winkle -warmly. 'I have considered the matter well, for a long time, and -I feel that my happiness is bound up in her.' - -'That's wot we call tying it up in a small parcel, sir,' interposed -Mr. Weller, with an agreeable smile. - -Mr. Winkle looked somewhat stern at this interruption, and -Mr. Pickwick angrily requested his attendant not to jest with one -of the best feelings of our nature; to which Sam replied, 'That he -wouldn't, if he was aware on it; but there were so many on 'em, that -he hardly know'd which was the best ones wen he heerd 'em mentioned.' - -Mr. Winkle then recounted what had passed between himself -and Mr. Ben Allen, relative to Arabella; stated that his object was -to gain an interview with the young lady, and make a formal -disclosure of his passion; and declared his conviction, founded -on certain dark hints and mutterings of the aforesaid Ben, that, -wherever she was at present immured, it was somewhere near the -Downs. And this was his whole stock of knowledge or suspicion -on the subject. - -With this very slight clue to guide him, it was determined that -Mr. Weller should start next morning on an expedition of -discovery; it was also arranged that Mr. Pickwick and Mr. -Winkle, who were less confident of their powers, should parade -the town meanwhile, and accidentally drop in upon Mr. Bob -Sawyer in the course of the day, in the hope of seeing or hearing -something of the young lady's whereabouts. - -Accordingly, next morning, Sam Weller issued forth upon his -quest, in no way daunted by the very discouraging prospect -before him; and away he walked, up one street and down another ---we were going to say, up one hill and down another, only it's -all uphill at Clifton--without meeting with anything or anybody -that tended to throw the faintest light on the matter in hand. -Many were the colloquies into which Sam entered with grooms -who were airing horses on roads, and nursemaids who were -airing children in lanes; but nothing could Sam elicit from either -the first-mentioned or the last, which bore the slightest reference -to the object of his artfully-prosecuted inquiries. There were a -great many young ladies in a great many houses, the greater part -whereof were shrewdly suspected by the male and female -domestics to be deeply attached to somebody, or perfectly ready -to become so, if opportunity afforded. But as none among these -young ladies was Miss Arabella Allen, the information left -Sam at exactly the old point of wisdom at which he had stood before. - -Sam struggled across the Downs against a good high wind, -wondering whether it was always necessary to hold your hat on -with both hands in that part of the country, and came to a shady -by-place, about which were sprinkled several little villas of quiet -and secluded appearance. Outside a stable door at the bottom of -a long back lane without a thoroughfare, a groom in undress was -idling about, apparently persuading himself that he was doing -something with a spade and a wheel-barrow. We may remark, in -this place, that we have scarcely ever seen a groom near a stable, -in his lazy moments, who has not been, to a greater or less extent, -the victim of this singular delusion. - -Sam thought he might as well talk to this groom as to any one -else, especially as he was very tired with walking, and there was a -good large stone just opposite the wheel-barrow; so he strolled -down the lane, and, seating himself on the stone, opened a -conversation with the ease and freedom for which he was remarkable. - -'Mornin', old friend,' said Sam. - -'Arternoon, you mean,' replied the groom, casting a surly look -at Sam. - -'You're wery right, old friend,' said Sam; 'I DO mean arternoon. -How are you?' - -'Why, I don't find myself much the better for seeing of you,' -replied the ill-tempered groom. - -'That's wery odd--that is,' said Sam, 'for you look so uncommon -cheerful, and seem altogether so lively, that it does vun's -heart good to see you.' - -The surly groom looked surlier still at this, but not sufficiently -so to produce any effect upon Sam, who immediately inquired, -with a countenance of great anxiety, whether his master's name -was not Walker. - -'No, it ain't,' said the groom. - -'Nor Brown, I s'pose?' said Sam. - -'No, it ain't.' - -'Nor Vilson?' - -'No; nor that @ither,' said the groom. - -'Vell,' replied Sam, 'then I'm mistaken, and he hasn't got the -honour o' my acquaintance, which I thought he had. Don't wait -here out o' compliment to me,' said Sam, as the groom wheeled -in the barrow, and prepared to shut the gate. 'Ease afore -ceremony, old boy; I'll excuse you.' - -'I'd knock your head off for half-a-crown,' said the surly -groom, bolting one half of the gate. - -'Couldn't afford to have it done on those terms,' rejoined Sam. -'It 'ud be worth a life's board wages at least, to you, and 'ud be -cheap at that. Make my compliments indoors. Tell 'em not to -vait dinner for me, and say they needn't mind puttin' any by, for -it'll be cold afore I come in.' - -In reply to this, the groom waxing very wroth, muttered a -desire to damage somebody's person; but disappeared without -carrying it into execution, slamming the door angrily after him, -and wholly unheeding Sam's affectionate request, that he would -leave him a lock of his hair before he went. - -Sam continued to sit on the large stone, meditating upon what -was best to be done, and revolving in his mind a plan for knocking -at all the doors within five miles of Bristol, taking them at a -hundred and fifty or two hundred a day, and endeavouring to -find Miss Arabella by that expedient, when accident all of a -sudden threw in his way what he might have sat there for a -twelvemonth and yet not found without it. - -Into the lane where he sat, there opened three or four garden -gates, belonging to as many houses, which though detached from -each other, were only separated by their gardens. As these were -large and long, and well planted with trees, the houses were not -only at some distance off, but the greater part of them were -nearly concealed from view. Sam was sitting with his eyes fixed -upon the dust-heap outside the next gate to that by which the -groom had disappeared, profoundly turning over in his mind the -difficulties of his present undertaking, when the gate opened, and -a female servant came out into the lane to shake some bedside carpets. - -Sam was so very busy with his own thoughts, that it is probable -he would have taken no more notice of the young woman than -just raising his head and remarking that she had a very neat and -pretty figure, if his feelings of gallantry had not been most -strongly roused by observing that she had no one to help her, and -that the carpets seemed too heavy for her single strength. Mr. -Weller was a gentleman of great gallantry in his own way, and he -no sooner remarked this circumstance than he hastily rose from -the large stone, and advanced towards her. - -'My dear,' said Sam, sliding up with an air of great respect, -'you'll spile that wery pretty figure out o' all perportion if you -shake them carpets by yourself. Let me help you.' - -The young lady, who had been coyly affecting not to know -that a gentleman was so near, turned round as Sam spoke--no -doubt (indeed she said so, afterwards) to decline this offer from a -perfect stranger--when instead of speaking, she started back, and -uttered a half-suppressed scream. Sam was scarcely less staggered, -for in the countenance of the well-shaped female servant, he -beheld the very features of his valentine, the pretty housemaid -from Mr. Nupkins's. - -'Wy, Mary, my dear!' said Sam. - -'Lauk, Mr. Weller,' said Mary, 'how you do frighten one!' - -Sam made no verbal answer to this complaint, nor can we -precisely say what reply he did make. We merely know that after -a short pause Mary said, 'Lor, do adun, Mr. Weller!' and that his -hat had fallen off a few moments before--from both of which -tokens we should be disposed to infer that one kiss, or more, had -passed between the parties. - -'Why, how did you come here?' said Mary, when the conversation -to which this interruption had been offered, was -resumed. - -'O' course I came to look arter you, my darlin',' replied Mr. -Weller; for once permitting his passion to get the better of -his veracity. - -'And how did you know I was here?' inquired Mary. 'Who -could have told you that I took another service at Ipswich, and -that they afterwards moved all the way here? Who COULD have -told you that, Mr. Weller?' - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Sam, with a cunning look, 'that's the -pint. Who could ha' told me?' - -'It wasn't Mr. Muzzle, was it?' inquired Mary. - -'Oh, no.' replied Sam, with a solemn shake of the head, 'it -warn't him.' - -'It must have been the cook,' said Mary. - -'O' course it must,' said Sam. - -'Well, I never heard the like of that!' exclaimed Mary. - -'No more did I,' said Sam. 'But Mary, my dear'--here Sam's -manner grew extremely affectionate--'Mary, my dear, I've got -another affair in hand as is wery pressin'. There's one o' my -governor's friends--Mr. Winkle, you remember him?' - -'Him in the green coat?' said Mary. 'Oh, yes, I remember him.' - -'Well,' said Sam, 'he's in a horrid state o' love; reg'larly -comfoozled, and done over vith it.' - -'Lor!' interposed Mary. - -'Yes,' said Sam; 'but that's nothin' if we could find out the -young 'ooman;' and here Sam, with many digressions upon the -personal beauty of Mary, and the unspeakable tortures he had -experienced since he last saw her, gave a faithful account of -Mr. Winkle's present predicament. - -'Well,' said Mary, 'I never did!' - -'O' course not,' said Sam, 'and nobody never did, nor never -vill neither; and here am I a-walkin' about like the wandering -Jew--a sportin' character you have perhaps heerd on Mary, my -dear, as vos alvays doin' a match agin' time, and never vent to -sleep--looking arter this here Miss Arabella Allen.' - -'Miss who?' said Mary, in great astonishment. - -'Miss Arabella Allen,' said Sam. - -'Goodness gracious!' said Mary, pointing to the garden door -which the sulky groom had locked after him. 'Why, it's that very -house; she's been living there these six weeks. Their upper house- -maid, which is lady's-maid too, told me all about it over the -wash-house palin's before the family was out of bed, one mornin'.' - -'Wot, the wery next door to you?' said Sam. - -'The very next,' replied Mary. - -Mr. Weller was so deeply overcome on receiving this intelligence -that he found it absolutely necessary to cling to his fair -informant for support; and divers little love passages had passed -between them, before he was sufficiently collected to return to -the subject. - -'Vell,' said Sam at length, 'if this don't beat cock-fightin' -nothin' never vill, as the lord mayor said, ven the chief secretary -o' state proposed his missis's health arter dinner. That wery next -house! Wy, I've got a message to her as I've been a-trying all day -to deliver.' - -'Ah,' said Mary, 'but you can't deliver it now, because she only -walks in the garden in the evening, and then only for a very little -time; she never goes out, without the old lady.' - -Sam ruminated for a few moments, and finally hit upon the -following plan of operations; that he should return just at dusk ---the time at which Arabella invariably took her walk--and, -being admitted by Mary into the garden of the house to which she -belonged, would contrive to scramble up the wall, beneath the -overhanging boughs of a large pear-tree, which would effectually -screen him from observation; would there deliver his message, -and arrange, if possible, an interview on behalf of Mr. Winkle for -the ensuing evening at the same hour. Having made this arrangement -with great despatch, he assisted Mary in the long-deferred -occupation of shaking the carpets. - -It is not half as innocent a thing as it looks, that shaking little -pieces of carpet--at least, there may be no great harm in the -shaking, but the folding is a very insidious process. So long as the -shaking lasts, and the two parties are kept the carpet's length -apart, it is as innocent an amusement as can well be devised; -but when the folding begins, and the distance between them gets -gradually lessened from one half its former length to a quarter, -and then to an eighth, and then to a sixteenth, and then to a -thirty-second, if the carpet be long enough, it becomes dangerous. -We do not know, to a nicety, how many pieces of carpet were -folded in this instance, but we can venture to state that as many -pieces as there were, so many times did Sam kiss the pretty housemaid. - -Mr. Weller regaled himself with moderation at the nearest -tavern until it was nearly dusk, and then returned to the lane -without the thoroughfare. Having been admitted into the -garden by Mary, and having received from that lady sundry -admonitions concerning the safety of his limbs and neck, Sam -mounted into the pear-tree, to wait until Arabella should come -into sight. - -He waited so long without this anxiously-expected event -occurring, that he began to think it was not going to take place -at all, when he heard light footsteps upon the gravel, and -immediately afterwards beheld Arabella walking pensively down -the garden. As soon as she came nearly below the tree, Sam -began, by way of gently indicating his presence, to make sundry -diabolical noises similar to those which would probably be -natural to a person of middle age who had been afflicted with a -combination of inflammatory sore throat, croup, and whooping- -cough, from his earliest infancy. - -Upon this, the young lady cast a hurried glance towards the -spot whence the dreadful sounds proceeded; and her previous -alarm being not at all diminished when she saw a man among the -branches, she would most certainly have decamped, and alarmed -the house, had not fear fortunately deprived her of the power of -moving, and caused her to sink down on a garden seat, which -happened by good luck to be near at hand. - -'She's a-goin' off,' soliloquised Sam in great perplexity. 'Wot -a thing it is, as these here young creeturs will go a-faintin' avay -just ven they oughtn't to. Here, young 'ooman, Miss Sawbones, -Mrs. Vinkle, don't!' - -Whether it was the magic of Mr. Winkle's name, or the coolness -of the open air, or some recollection of Mr. Weller's voice, -that revived Arabella, matters not. She raised her head and -languidly inquired, 'Who's that, and what do you want?' - -'Hush,' said Sam, swinging himself on to the wall, and crouching -there in as small a compass as he could reduce himself to, -'only me, miss, only me.' - -'Mr. Pickwick's servant!' said Arabella earnestly. - -'The wery same, miss,' replied Sam. 'Here's Mr. Vinkle -reg'larly sewed up vith desperation, miss.' - -'Ah!' said Arabella, drawing nearer the wall. - -'Ah, indeed,' said Sam. 'Ve thought ve should ha' been -obliged to strait-veskit him last night; he's been a-ravin' all day; -and he says if he can't see you afore to-morrow night's over, he -vishes he may be somethin' unpleasanted if he don't drownd hisself.' - -'Oh, no, no, Mr. Weller!' said Arabella, clasping her hands. - -'That's wot he says, miss,' replied Sam coolly. 'He's a man of -his word, and it's my opinion he'll do it, miss. He's heerd all -about you from the sawbones in barnacles.' - -'From my brother!' said Arabella, having some faint recognition -of Sam's description. - -'I don't rightly know which is your brother, miss,' replied Sam. -'Is it the dirtiest vun o' the two?' - -'Yes, yes, Mr. Weller,' returned Arabella, 'go on. Make haste, pray.' - -'Well, miss,' said Sam, 'he's heerd all about it from him; and -it's the gov'nor's opinion that if you don't see him wery quick, -the sawbones as we've been a-speakin' on, 'ull get as much extra -lead in his head as'll rayther damage the dewelopment o' the -orgins if they ever put it in spirits artervards.' - -'Oh, what can I do to prevent these dreadful quarrels!' -exclaimed Arabella. - -'It's the suspicion of a priory 'tachment as is the cause of it all,' -replied Sam. 'You'd better see him, miss.' - -'But how?--where?'cried Arabella. 'I dare not leave the house -alone. My brother is so unkind, so unreasonable! I know how -strange my talking thus to you may appear, Mr. Weller, but I am -very, very unhappy--' and here poor Arabella wept so bitterly -that Sam grew chivalrous. - -'It may seem wery strange talkin' to me about these here -affairs, miss,' said Sam, with great vehemence; 'but all I can say -is, that I'm not only ready but villin' to do anythin' as'll make -matters agreeable; and if chuckin' either o' them sawboneses out -o' winder 'ull do it, I'm the man.' As Sam Weller said this, he -tucked up his wristbands, at the imminent hazard of falling off the -wall in so doing, to intimate his readiness to set to work immediately. - -Flattering as these professions of good feeling were, Arabella -resolutely declined (most unaccountably, as Sam thought) to -avail herself of them. For some time she strenuously refused to -grant Mr. Winkle the interview Sam had so pathetically requested; -but at length, when the conversation threatened to be -interrupted by the unwelcome arrival of a third party, she -hurriedly gave him to understand, with many professions of -gratitude, that it was barely possible she might be in the garden -an hour later, next evening. Sam understood this perfectly well; -and Arabella, bestowing upon him one of her sweetest smiles, -tripped gracefully away, leaving Mr. Weller in a state of very -great admiration of her charms, both personal and mental. - -Having descended in safety from the wall, and not forgotten -to devote a few moments to his own particular business in the -same department, Mr. Weller then made the best of his way back -to the Bush, where his prolonged absence had occasioned much -speculation and some alarm. - -'We must be careful,' said Mr. Pickwick, after listening -attentively to Sam's tale, 'not for our sakes, but for that of the -young lady. We must be very cautious.' - -'WE!' said Mr. Winkle, with marked emphasis. - -Mr. Pickwick's momentary look of indignation at the tone of -this remark, subsided into his characteristic expression of -benevolence, as he replied-- - -'WE, Sir! I shall accompany you.' - -'You!' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I,' replied Mr. Pickwick mildly. 'In affording you this interview, -the young lady has taken a natural, perhaps, but still a -very imprudent step. If I am present at the meeting--a mutual -friend, who is old enough to be the father of both parties--the -voice of calumny can never be raised against her hereafter.' - -Mr. Pickwick's eyes lightened with honest exultation at his -own foresight, as he spoke thus. Mr. Winkle was touched by this -little trait of his delicate respect for the young PROTEGEE of his -friend, and took his hand with a feeling of regard, akin to veneration. - -'You SHALL go,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'I will,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Sam, have my greatcoat and shawl -ready, and order a conveyance to be at the door to-morrow -evening, rather earlier than is absolutely necessary, in order that -we may be in good time.' - -Mr. Weller touched his hat, as an earnest of his obedience, -and withdrew to make all needful preparations for the expedition. - -The coach was punctual to the time appointed; and Mr. Weller, -after duly installing Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle inside, took -his seat on the box by the driver. They alighted, as had been -agreed on, about a quarter of a mile from the place of rendezvous, -and desiring the coachman to await their return, proceeded the -remaining distance on foot. - -It was at this stage of the undertaking that Mr. Pickwick, with -many smiles and various other indications of great self-satisfaction, -produced from one of his coat pockets a dark lantern, with -which he had specially provided himself for the occasion, and the -great mechanical beauty of which he proceeded to explain to -Mr. Winkle, as they walked along, to the no small surprise of the -few stragglers they met. - -'I should have been the better for something of this kind, in -my last garden expedition, at night; eh, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, -looking good-humouredly round at his follower, who was -trudging behind. - -'Wery nice things, if they're managed properly, Sir,' replied -Mr. Weller; 'but wen you don't want to be seen, I think they're -more useful arter the candle's gone out, than wen it's alight.' - -Mr. Pickwick appeared struck by Sam's remarks, for he put -the lantern into his pocket again, and they walked on in silence. - -'Down here, Sir,' said Sam. 'Let me lead the way. This is the -lane, Sir.' - -Down the lane they went, and dark enough it was. Mr. Pickwick -brought out the lantern, once or twice, as they groped their -way along, and threw a very brilliant little tunnel of light before -them, about a foot in diameter. It was very pretty to look at, but -seemed to have the effect of rendering surrounding objects -rather darker than before. - -At length they arrived at the large stone. Here Sam recommended -his master and Mr. Winkle to seat themselves, while -he reconnoitred, and ascertained whether Mary was yet in waiting. - -After an absence of five or ten minutes, Sam returned to say -that the gate was opened, and all quiet. Following him with -stealthy tread, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Winkle soon found themselves -in the garden. Here everybody said, 'Hush!' a good many -times; and that being done, no one seemed to have any very -distinct apprehension of what was to be done next. - -'Is Miss Allen in the garden yet, Mary?' inquired Mr. Winkle, -much agitated. - -'I don't know, sir,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'The best -thing to be done, sir, will be for Mr. Weller to give you a hoist up -into the tree, and perhaps Mr. Pickwick will have the goodness -to see that nobody comes up the lane, while I watch at the other -end of the garden. Goodness gracious, what's that?' - -'That 'ere blessed lantern 'ull be the death on us all,' exclaimed -Sam peevishly. 'Take care wot you're a-doin' on, sir; you're -a-sendin' a blaze o' light, right into the back parlour winder.' - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, turning hastily aside, 'I didn't -mean to do that.' - -'Now, it's in the next house, sir,' remonstrated Sam. - -'Bless my heart!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning round again. - -'Now, it's in the stable, and they'll think the place is afire,' said -Sam. 'Shut it up, sir, can't you?' - -'It's the most extraordinary lantern I ever met with, in all my -life!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, greatly bewildered by the effects -he had so unintentionally produced. 'I never saw such a powerful -reflector.' - -'It'll be vun too powerful for us, if you keep blazin' avay in -that manner, sir,' replied Sam, as Mr. Pickwick, after various -unsuccessful efforts, managed to close the slide. 'There's the -young lady's footsteps. Now, Mr. Winkle, sir, up vith you.' - -'Stop, stop!' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I must speak to her first. -Help me up, Sam.' - -'Gently, Sir,' said Sam, planting his head against the wall, and -making a platform of his back. 'Step atop o' that 'ere flower-pot, -Sir. Now then, up vith you.' - -'I'm afraid I shall hurt you, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never mind me, Sir,' replied Sam. 'Lend him a hand, Mr. -Winkle. sir. Steady, sir, steady! That's the time o' day!' - -As Sam spoke, Mr. Pickwick, by exertions almost supernatural -in a gentleman of his years and weight, contrived to get upon -Sam's back; and Sam gently raising himself up, and Mr. Pickwick -holding on fast by the top of the wall, while Mr. Winkle -clasped him tight by the legs, they contrived by these means to -bring his spectacles just above the level of the coping. - -'My dear,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking over the wall, and -catching sight of Arabella, on the other side, 'don't be frightened, -my dear, it's only me.' -'Oh, pray go away, Mr. Pickwick,' said Arabella. 'Tell them all -to go away. I am so dreadfully frightened. Dear, dear Mr. -Pickwick, don't stop there. You'll fall down and kill yourself, I -know you will.' - -'Now, pray don't alarm yourself, my dear,' said Mr. Pickwick -soothingly. 'There is not the least cause for fear, I assure you. -Stand firm, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking down. - -'All right, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Don't be longer than you -can conweniently help, sir. You're rayther heavy.' - -'Only another moment, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'I merely wished you to know, my dear, that I should not have -allowed my young friend to see you in this clandestine way, if the -situation in which you are placed had left him any alternative; -and, lest the impropriety of this step should cause you any -uneasiness, my love, it may be a satisfaction to you, to know that -I am present. That's all, my dear.' - -'Indeed, Mr. Pickwick, I am very much obliged to you for your -kindness and consideration,' replied Arabella, drying her tears -with her handkerchief. She would probably have said much more, -had not Mr. Pickwick's head disappeared with great swiftness, in -consequence of a false step on Sam's shoulder which brought -him suddenly to the ground. He was up again in an instant -however; and bidding Mr. Winkle make haste and get the interview -over, ran out into the lane to keep watch, with all the -courage and ardour of youth. Mr. Winkle himself, inspired by -the occasion, was on the wall in a moment, merely pausing to -request Sam to be careful of his master. - -'I'll take care on him, sir,' replied Sam. 'Leave him to me.' - -'Where is he? What's he doing, Sam?' inquired Mr. Winkle. - -'Bless his old gaiters,' rejoined Sam, looking out at the garden -door. 'He's a-keepin' guard in the lane vith that 'ere dark lantern, -like a amiable Guy Fawkes! I never see such a fine creetur in my -days. Blessed if I don't think his heart must ha' been born five- -and-twenty year arter his body, at least!' - -Mr. Winkle stayed not to hear the encomium upon his friend. -He had dropped from the wall; thrown himself at Arabella's -feet; and by this time was pleading the sincerity of his passion -with an eloquence worthy even of Mr. Pickwick himself. - -While these things were going on in the open air, an elderly -gentleman of scientific attainments was seated in his library, two -or three houses off, writing a philosophical treatise, and ever and -anon moistening his clay and his labours with a glass of claret -from a venerable-looking bottle which stood by his side. In the -agonies of composition, the elderly gentleman looked sometimes -at the carpet, sometimes at the ceiling, and sometimes at the wall; -and when neither carpet, ceiling, nor wall afforded the requisite -degree of inspiration, he looked out of the window. - -In one of these pauses of invention, the scientific gentleman -was gazing abstractedly on the thick darkness outside, when he -was very much surprised by observing a most brilliant light glide -through the air, at a short distance above the ground, and almost -instantaneously vanish. After a short time the phenomenon was -repeated, not once or twice, but several times; at last the scientific -gentleman, laying down his pen, began to consider to what -natural causes these appearances were to be assigned. - -They were not meteors; they were too low. They were not -glow-worms; they were too high. They were not will-o'-the- -wisps; they were not fireflies; they were not fireworks. What could -they be? Some extraordinary and wonderful phenomenon of -nature, which no philosopher had ever seen before; something -which it had been reserved for him alone to discover, and which -he should immortalise his name by chronicling for the benefit of -posterity. Full of this idea, the scientific gentleman seized his -pen again, and committed to paper sundry notes of these -unparalleled appearances, with the date, day, hour, minute, and -precise second at which they were visible: all of which were to -form the data of a voluminous treatise of great research and deep -learning, which should astonish all the atmospherical wiseacres -that ever drew breath in any part of the civilised globe. - -He threw himself back in his easy-chair, wrapped in -contemplations of his future greatness. The mysterious light appeared -more brilliantly than before, dancing, to all appearance, up and -down the lane, crossing from side to side, and moving in an -orbit as eccentric as comets themselves. - -The scientific gentleman was a bachelor. He had no wife to call -in and astonish, so he rang the bell for his servant. - -'Pruffle,' said the scientific gentleman, 'there is something very -extraordinary in the air to-night? Did you see that?' said the -scientific gentleman, pointing out of the window, as the light -again became visible. - -'Yes, I did, Sir.' - -'What do you think of it, Pruffle?' - -'Think of it, Sir?' - -'Yes. You have been bred up in this country. What should you -say was the cause for those lights, now?' - -The scientific gentleman smilingly anticipated Pruffle's reply -that he could assign no cause for them at all. Pruffle meditated. - -'I should say it was thieves, Sir,' said Pruffle at length. - -'You're a fool, and may go downstairs,' said the scientific gentleman. - -'Thank you, Sir,' said Pruffle. And down he went. - -But the scientific gentleman could not rest under the idea of the -ingenious treatise he had projected being lost to the world, which -must inevitably be the case if the speculation of the ingenious -Mr. Pruffle were not stifled in its birth. He put on his hat and -walked quickly down the garden, determined to investigate the -matter to the very bottom. - -Now, shortly before the scientific gentleman walked out into -the garden, Mr. Pickwick had run down the lane as fast as he -could, to convey a false alarm that somebody was coming that -way; occasionally drawing back the slide of the dark lantern to -keep himself from the ditch. The alarm was no sooner given, -than Mr. Winkle scrambled back over the wall, and Arabella ran -into the house; the garden gate was shut, and the three adventurers -were making the best of their way down the lane, when -they were startled by the scientific gentleman unlocking his -garden gate. - -'Hold hard,' whispered Sam, who was, of course, the first of -the party. 'Show a light for just vun second, Sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick did as he was desired, and Sam, seeing a man's -head peeping out very cautiously within half a yard of his own, -gave it a gentle tap with his clenched fist, which knocked it, with -a hollow sound, against the gate. Having performed this feat with -great suddenness and dexterity, Mr. Weller caught Mr. Pickwick -up on his back, and followed Mr. Winkle down the lane at a pace -which, considering the burden he carried, was perfectly astonishing. - -'Have you got your vind back agin, Sir,' inquired Sam, when -they had reached the end. - -'Quite. Quite, now,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Then come along, Sir,' said Sam, setting his master on his feet -again. 'Come betveen us, sir. Not half a mile to run. Think you're -vinnin' a cup, sir. Now for it.' - -Thus encouraged, Mr. Pickwick made the very best use of his -legs. It may be confidently stated that a pair of black gaiters -never got over the ground in better style than did those of Mr. -Pickwick on this memorable occasion. - -The coach was waiting, the horses were fresh, the roads were -good, and the driver was willing. The whole party arrived in -safety at the Bush before Mr. Pickwick had recovered his breath. - -'in with you at once, sir,' said Sam, as he helped his master out. -'Don't stop a second in the street, arter that 'ere exercise. Beg -your pardon, sir,'continued Sam, touching his hat as Mr. Winkle -descended, 'hope there warn't a priory 'tachment, sir?' - -Mr. Winkle grasped his humble friend by the hand, and -whispered in his ear, 'It's all right, Sam; quite right.' Upon which -Mr. Weller struck three distinct blows upon his nose in token of -intelligence, smiled, winked, and proceeded to put the steps up, -with a countenance expressive of lively satisfaction. - -As to the scientific gentleman, he demonstrated, in a masterly -treatise, that these wonderful lights were the effect of electricity; -and clearly proved the same by detailing how a flash of fire -danced before his eyes when he put his head out of the gate, and -how he received a shock which stunned him for a quarter of an -hour afterwards; which demonstration delighted all the scientific -associations beyond measure, and caused him to be considered a -light of science ever afterwards. - - - -CHAPTER XL -INTRODUCES Mr. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING - SCENE IN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE - - -The remainder of the period which Mr. Pickwick had assigned -as the duration of the stay at Bath passed over without the -occurrence of anything material. Trinity term commenced. On the -expiration of its first week, Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned -to London; and the former gentleman, attended of course by Sam, -straightway repaired to his old quarters at the George and Vulture. - -On the third morning after their arrival, just as all the clocks in -the city were striking nine individually, and somewhere about -nine hundred and ninety-nine collectively, Sam was taking the air -in George Yard, when a queer sort of fresh-painted vehicle drove -up, out of which there jumped with great agility, throwing the -reins to a stout man who sat beside him, a queer sort of gentleman, -who seemed made for the vehicle, and the vehicle for him. - -The vehicle was not exactly a gig, neither was it a stanhope. It -was not what is currently denominated a dog-cart, neither was it -a taxed cart, nor a chaise-cart, nor a guillotined cabriolet; and -yet it had something of the character of each and every of these -machines. It was painted a bright yellow, with the shafts and -wheels picked out in black; and the driver sat in the orthodox -sporting style, on cushions piled about two feet above the rail. -The horse was a bay, a well-looking animal enough; but with -something of a flash and dog-fighting air about him, nevertheless, -which accorded both with the vehicle and his master. - -The master himself was a man of about forty, with black hair, -and carefully combed whiskers. He was dressed in a particularly -gorgeous manner, with plenty of articles of jewellery about him-- -all about three sizes larger than those which are usually worn by -gentlemen--and a rough greatcoat to crown the whole. Into one -pocket of this greatcoat, he thrust his left hand the moment he -dismounted, while from the other he drew forth, with his right, a -very bright and glaring silk handkerchief, with which he whisked -a speck or two of dust from his boots, and then, crumpling it in -his hand, swaggered up the court. - -It had not escaped Sam's attention that, when this person -dismounted, a shabby-looking man in a brown greatcoat shorn -of divers buttons, who had been previously slinking about, on the -opposite side of the way, crossed over, and remained stationary -close by. Having something more than a suspicion of the object -of the gentleman's visit, Sam preceded him to the George and -Vulture, and, turning sharp round, planted himself in the Centre -of the doorway. - -'Now, my fine fellow!' said the man in the rough coat, in an -imperious tone, attempting at the same time to push his way past. - -'Now, Sir, wot's the matter?' replied Sam, returning the push -with compound interest. - -'Come, none of this, my man; this won't do with me,' said the -owner of the rough coat, raising his voice, and turning white. -'Here, Smouch!' - -'Well, wot's amiss here?' growled the man in the brown coat, who -had been gradually sneaking up the court during this short dialogue. - -'Only some insolence of this young man's,' said the principal, -giving Sam another push. - -'Come, none o' this gammon,' growled Smouch, giving him -another, and a harder one. - -This last push had the effect which it was intended by the -experienced Mr. Smouch to produce; for while Sam, anxious to -return the compliment, was grinding that gentleman's body -against the door-post, the principal crept past, and made his way -to the bar, whither Sam, after bandying a few epithetical remarks -with Mr. Smouch, followed at once. - -'Good-morning, my dear,' said the principal, addressing the -young lady at the bar, with Botany Bay ease, and New South -Wales gentility; 'which is Mr. Pickwick's room, my dear?' - -'Show him up,' said the barmaid to a waiter, without deigning -another look at the exquisite, in reply to his inquiry. - -The waiter led the way upstairs as he was desired, and the man -in the rough coat followed, with Sam behind him, who, in his -progress up the staircase, indulged in sundry gestures indicative -of supreme contempt and defiance, to the unspeakable gratification -of the servants and other lookers-on. Mr. Smouch, who was -troubled with a hoarse cough, remained below, and expectorated -in the passage. - -Mr. Pickwick was fast asleep in bed, when his early visitor, -followed by Sam, entered the room. The noise they made, in so -doing, awoke him. - -'Shaving-water, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, from within the curtains. - -'Shave you directly, Mr. Pickwick,' said the visitor, drawing -one of them back from the bed's head. 'I've got an execution -against you, at the suit of Bardell.--Here's the warrant.-- -Common Pleas.--Here's my card. I suppose you'll come over to -my house.' Giving Mr. Pickwick a friendly tap on the shoulder, -the sheriff's officer (for such he was) threw his card on the -counterpane, and pulled a gold toothpick from his waistcoat pocket. - -'Namby's the name,' said the sheriff's deputy, as Mr. Pickwick -took his spectacles from under the pillow, and put them on, to -read the card. 'Namby, Bell Alley, Coleman Street.' - -At this point, Sam Weller, who had had his eyes fixed hitherto -on Mr. Namby's shining beaver, interfered. - -'Are you a Quaker?' said Sam. - -'I'll let you know I am, before I've done with you,' replied the -indignant officer. 'I'll teach you manners, my fine fellow, one of -these fine mornings.' - -'Thank'ee,' said Sam. 'I'll do the same to you. Take your hat -off.' With this, Mr. Weller, in the most dexterous manner, -knocked Mr. Namby's hat to the other side of the room, with -such violence, that he had very nearly caused him to swallow the -gold toothpick into the bargain. - -'Observe this, Mr. Pickwick,' said the disconcerted officer, -gasping for breath. 'I've been assaulted in the execution of my -dooty by your servant in your chamber. I'm in bodily fear. I call -you to witness this.' - -'Don't witness nothin', Sir,' interposed Sam. 'Shut your eyes -up tight, Sir. I'd pitch him out o' winder, only he couldn't fall far -enough, 'cause o' the leads outside.' - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, in an angry voice, as his attendant -made various demonstrations of hostilities, 'if you say another -word, or offer the slightest interference with this person, I -discharge you that instant.' - -'But, Sir!' said Sam. - -'Hold your tongue,' interposed Mr. Pickwick. 'Take that hat -up again.' - -But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do; and, after he -had been severely reprimanded by his master, the officer, being -in a hurry, condescended to pick it up himself, venting a great -variety of threats against Sam meanwhile, which that gentleman -received with perfect composure, merely observing that if Mr. -Namby would have the goodness to put his hat on again, he -would knock it into the latter end of next week. Mr. Namby, -perhaps thinking that such a process might be productive of -inconvenience to himself, declined to offer the temptation, and, -soon after, called up Smouch. Having informed him that the -capture was made, and that he was to wait for the prisoner until -he should have finished dressing, Namby then swaggered out, and -drove away. Smouch, requesting Mr. Pickwick in a surly manner -'to be as alive as he could, for it was a busy time,' drew up a chair -by the door and sat there, until he had finished dressing. Sam was -then despatched for a hackney-coach, and in it the triumvirate -proceeded to Coleman Street. It was fortunate the distance was -short; for Mr. Smouch, besides possessing no very enchanting -conversational powers, was rendered a decidedly unpleasant -companion in a limited space, by the physical weakness to which -we have elsewhere adverted. - -The coach having turned into a very narrow and dark street, -stopped before a house with iron bars to all the windows; the -door-posts of which were graced by the name and title of -'Namby, Officer to the Sheriffs of London'; the inner gate having -been opened by a gentleman who might have passed for a -neglected twin-brother of Mr. Smouch, and who was endowed -with a large key for the purpose, Mr. Pickwick was shown into -the 'coffee-room.' - -This coffee-room was a front parlour, the principal features of -which were fresh sand and stale tobacco smoke. Mr. Pickwick -bowed to the three persons who were seated in it when he -entered; and having despatched Sam for Perker, withdrew into -an obscure corner, and looked thence with some curiosity upon -his new companions. - -One of these was a mere boy of nineteen or twenty, who, -though it was yet barely ten o'clock, was drinking gin-and-water, -and smoking a cigar--amusements to which, judging from his -inflamed countenance, he had devoted himself pretty constantly -for the last year or two of his life. Opposite him, engaged in -stirring the fire with the toe of his right boot, was a coarse, -vulgar young man of about thirty, with a sallow face and harsh -voice; evidently possessed of that knowledge of the world, and -captivating freedom of manner, which is to be acquired in -public-house parlours, and at low billiard tables. The third -tenant of the apartment was a middle-aged man in a very old suit -of black, who looked pale and haggard, and paced up and down -the room incessantly; stopping, now and then, to look with -great anxiety out of the window as if he expected somebody, and -then resuming his walk. - -'You'd better have the loan of my razor this morning, Mr. -Ayresleigh,' said the man who was stirring the fire, tipping the -wink to his friend the boy. - -'Thank you, no, I shan't want it; I expect I shall be out, in the -course of an hour or so,' replied the other in a hurried manner. -Then, walking again up to the window, and once more returning -disappointed, he sighed deeply, and left the room; upon which -the other two burst into a loud laugh. - -'Well, I never saw such a game as that,' said the gentleman -who had offered the razor, whose name appeared to be Price. -'Never!' Mr. Price confirmed the assertion with an oath, and -then laughed again, when of course the boy (who thought his -companion one of the most dashing fellows alive) laughed also. - -'You'd hardly think, would you now,' said Price, turning -towards Mr. Pickwick, 'that that chap's been here a week -yesterday, and never once shaved himself yet, because he feels so -certain he's going out in half an hour's time, thinks he may as -well put it off till he gets home?' - -'Poor man!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Are his chances of getting out -of his difficulties really so great?' - -'Chances be d--d,' replied Price; 'he hasn't half the ghost of -one. I wouldn't give THAT for his chance of walking about the -streets this time ten years.' With this, Mr. Price snapped his -fingers contemptuously, and rang the bell. - -'Give me a sheet of paper, Crookey,' said Mr. Price to the -attendant, who in dress and general appearance looked something -between a bankrupt glazier, and a drover in a state of -insolvency; 'and a glass of brandy-and-water, Crookey, d'ye -hear? I'm going to write to my father, and I must have a -stimulant, or I shan't be able to pitch it strong enough into the -old boy.' At this facetious speech, the young boy, it is almost -needless to say, was fairly convulsed. - -'That's right,' said Mr. Price. 'Never say die. All fun, ain't it?' - -'Prime!' said the young gentleman. - -'You've got some spirit about you, you have,' said Price. -'You've seen something of life.' - -'I rather think I have!' replied the boy. He had looked at it -through the dirty panes of glass in a bar door. - -Mr. Pickwick, feeling not a little disgusted with this dialogue, -as well as with the air and manner of the two beings by whom it -had been carried on, was about to inquire whether he could not -be accommodated with a private sitting-room, when two or three -strangers of genteel appearance entered, at sight of whom the -boy threw his cigar into the fire, and whispering to Mr. Price -that they had come to 'make it all right' for him, joined them at a -table in the farther end of the room. - -It would appear, however, that matters were not going to be -made all right quite so speedily as the young gentleman anticipated; -for a very long conversation ensued, of which Mr. -Pickwick could not avoid hearing certain angry fragments -regarding dissolute conduct, and repeated forgiveness. At last, -there were very distinct allusions made by the oldest gentleman -of the party to one Whitecross Street, at which the young gentleman, -notwithstanding his primeness and his spirit, and his -knowledge of life into the bargain, reclined his head upon the -table, and howled dismally. - -Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing down of the -youth's valour, and this effectual lowering of his tone, Mr. Pickwick -rang the bell, and was shown, at his own request, into a -private room furnished with a carpet, table, chairs, sideboard and -sofa, and ornamented with a looking-glass, and various old -prints. Here he had the advantage of hearing Mrs. Namby's -performance on a square piano overhead, while the breakfast was -getting ready; when it came, Mr. Perker came too. - -'Aha, my dear sir,' said the little man, 'nailed at last, eh? -Come, come, I'm not sorry for it either, because now you'll see -the absurdity of this conduct. I've noted down the amount of the -taxed costs and damages for which the ca-sa was issued, and we -had better settle at once and lose no time. Namby is come home -by this time, I dare say. What say you, my dear sir? Shall I draw -a cheque, or will you?' The little man rubbed his hands with -affected cheerfulness as he said this, but glancing at Mr. Pickwick's -countenance, could not forbear at the same time casting a -desponding look towards Sam Weller. - -'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me hear no more of this, I beg. -I see no advantage in staying here, so I Shall go to prison to-night.' - -'You can't go to Whitecross Street, my dear Sir,' said Perker. -'Impossible! There are sixty beds in a ward; and the bolt's on, -sixteen hours out of the four-and-twenty.' - -'I would rather go to some other place of confinement if I can,' -said Mr. Pickwick. 'If not, I must make the best I can of that.' - -'You can go to the Fleet, my dear Sir, if you're determined to -go somewhere,' said Perker. - -'That'll do,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I'll go there directly I have -finished my breakfast.' - -'Stop, stop, my dear Sir; not the least occasion for being in such -a violent hurry to get into a place that most other men are as -eager to get out of,' said the good-natured little attorney. 'We -must have a habeas-corpus. There'll be no judge at chambers till -four o'clock this afternoon. You must wait till then.' - -'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick, with unmoved patience. -'Then we will have a chop here, at two. See about it, Sam, and -tell them to be punctual.' - -Mr. Pickwick remaining firm, despite all the remonstrances and -arguments of Perker, the chops appeared and disappeared in due -course; he was then put into another hackney coach, and carried -off to Chancery Lane, after waiting half an hour or so for Mr. -Namby, who had a select dinner-party and could on no account -be disturbed before. - -There were two judges in attendance at Serjeant's Inn--one -King's Bench, and one Common Pleas--and a great deal of -business appeared to be transacting before them, if the number -of lawyer's clerks who were hurrying in and out with bundles of -papers, afforded any test. When they reached the low archway -which forms the entrance to the inn, Perker was detained a few -moments parlaying with the coachman about the fare and the -change; and Mr. Pickwick, stepping to one side to be out of the -way of the stream of people that were pouring in and out, looked -about him with some curiosity. - -The people that attracted his attention most, were three or four -men of shabby-genteel appearance, who touched their hats to -many of the attorneys who passed, and seemed to have some -business there, the nature of which Mr. Pickwick could not -divine. They were curious-looking fellows. One was a slim and -rather lame man in rusty black, and a white neckerchief; another -was a stout, burly person, dressed in the same apparel, with a -great reddish-black cloth round his neck; a third was a little -weazen, drunken-looking body, with a pimply face. They were -loitering about, with their hands behind them, and now and then -with an anxious countenance whispered something in the ear of -some of the gentlemen with papers, as they hurried by. Mr. -Pickwick remembered to have very often observed them lounging -under the archway when he had been walking past; and his -curiosity was quite excited to know to what branch of the profession -these dingy-looking loungers could possibly belong. - -He was about to propound the question to Namby, who kept -close beside him, sucking a large gold ring on his little finger, -when Perker bustled up, and observing that there was no time to -lose, led the way into the inn. As Mr. Pickwick followed, the -lame man stepped up to him, and civilly touching his hat, held -out a written card, which Mr. Pickwick, not wishing to hurt the -man's feelings by refusing, courteously accepted and deposited in -his waistcoat pocket. - -'Now,' said Perker, turning round before he entered one of the -offices, to see that his companions were close behind him. 'In -here, my dear sir. Hallo, what do you want?' - -This last question was addressed to the lame man, who, -unobserved by Mr. Pickwick, made one of the party. In reply to it, -the lame man touched his hat again, with all imaginable politeness, -and motioned towards Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, no,' said Perker, with a smile. 'We don't want you, my -dear friend, we don't want you.' - -'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the lame man. 'The gentleman -took my card. I hope you will employ me, sir. The gentleman -nodded to me. I'll be judged by the gentleman himself. You -nodded to me, sir?' - -'Pooh, pooh, nonsense. You didn't nod to anybody, Pickwick? -A mistake, a mistake,' said Perker. - -'The gentleman handed me his card,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -producing it from his waistcoat pocket. 'I accepted it, as the -gentleman seemed to wish it--in fact I had some curiosity to look -at it when I should be at leisure. I--' - -The little attorney burst into a loud laugh, and returning the -card to the lame man, informing him it was all a mistake, -whispered to Mr. Pickwick as the man turned away in dudgeon, -that he was only a bail. - -'A what!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'A bail,' replied Perker. - -'A bail!' -'Yes, my dear sir--half a dozen of 'em here. Bail you to any -amount, and only charge half a crown. Curious trade, isn't it?' -said Perker, regaling himself with a pinch of snuff. - -'What! Am I to understand that these men earn a livelihood -by waiting about here, to perjure themselves before the judges of -the land, at the rate of half a crown a crime?' exclaimed Mr. -Pickwick, quite aghast at the disclosure. - -'Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir,' replied -the little gentleman. 'Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word -indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more.' Saying -which, the attorney shrugged his shoulders, smiled, took a second -pinch of snuff, and led the way into the office of the judge's clerk. - -This was a room of specially dirty appearance, with a very low -ceiling and old panelled walls; and so badly lighted, that although -it was broad day outside, great tallow candles were burning on -the desks. At one end, was a door leading to the judge's private -apartment, round which were congregated a crowd of attorneys -and managing clerks, who were called in, in the order in which -their respective appointments stood upon the file. Every time this -door was opened to let a party out, the next party made a violent -rush to get in; and, as in addition to the numerous dialogues -which passed between the gentlemen who were waiting to see the -judge, a variety of personal squabbles ensued between the greater -part of those who had seen him, there was as much noise as could -well be raised in an apartment of such confined dimensions. - -Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen the only sounds -that broke upon the ear. Standing on a box behind a wooden bar -at another end of the room was a clerk in spectacles who was -'taking the affidavits'; large batches of which were, from time to -time, carried into the private room by another clerk for the -judge's signature. There were a large number of attorneys' clerks -to be sworn, and it being a moral impossibility to swear them all -at once, the struggles of these gentlemen to reach the clerk in -spectacles, were like those of a crowd to get in at the pit door of a -theatre when Gracious Majesty honours it with its presence. -Another functionary, from time to time, exercised his lungs in -calling over the names of those who had been sworn, for the -purpose of restoring to them their affidavits after they had been -signed by the judge, which gave rise to a few more scuffles; and -all these things going on at the same time, occasioned as much -bustle as the most active and excitable person could desire to -behold. There were yet another class of persons--those who were -waiting to attend summonses their employers had taken out, -which it was optional to the attorney on the opposite side to -attend or not--and whose business it was, from time to time, to -cry out the opposite attorney's name; to make certain that he -was not in attendance without their knowledge. - -For example. Leaning against the wall, close beside the seat -Mr. Pickwick had taken, was an office-lad of fourteen, with a -tenor voice; near him a common-law clerk with a bass one. - -A clerk hurried in with a bundle of papers, and stared about him. - -'Sniggle and Blink,' cried the tenor. - -'Porkin and Snob,' growled the bass. -'Stumpy and Deacon,' said the new-comer. - -Nobody answered; the next man who came in, was bailed by -the whole three; and he in his turn shouted for another firm; -and then somebody else roared in a loud voice for another; and -so forth. - -All this time, the man in the spectacles was hard at work, -swearing the clerks; the oath being invariably administered, -without any effort at punctuation, and usually in the following -terms:-- - -'Take the book in your right hand this is your name and hand- -writing you swear that the contents of this your affidavit are true -so help you God a shilling you must get change I haven't got it.' - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I suppose they are getting the -HABEAS-CORPUS ready?' - -'Yes,' said Sam, 'and I vish they'd bring out the have-his- -carcase. It's wery unpleasant keepin' us vaitin' here. I'd ha' got -half a dozen have-his-carcases ready, pack'd up and all, by this time.' - -What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable machine, Sam -Weller imagined a habeas-corpus to be, does not appear; -for Perker, at that moment, walked up and took Mr. Pickwick away. - -The usual forms having been gone through, the body of -Samuel Pickwick was soon afterwards confided to the custody of -the tipstaff, to be by him taken to the warden of the Fleet Prison, -and there detained until the amount of the damages and costs in -the action of Bardell against Pickwick was fully paid -and satisfied. - -'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing, 'will be a very long -time. Sam, call another hackney-coach. Perker, my dear friend, -good-bye.' - -'I shall go with you, and see you safe there,' said Perker. - -'Indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'I would rather go without any -other attendant than Sam. As soon as I get settled, I will write -and let you know, and I shall expect you immediately. Until then, -good-bye.' - -As Mr. Pickwick said this, he got into the coach which had by -this time arrived, followed by the tipstaff. Sam having stationed -himself on the box, it rolled away. - -'A most extraordinary man that!' said Perker, as he stopped to -pull on his gloves. - -'What a bankrupt he'd make, Sir,' observed Mr. Lowten, who -was standing near. 'How he would bother the commissioners! -He'd set 'em at defiance if they talked of committing him, Sir.' - -The attorney did not appear very much delighted with his -clerk's professional estimate of Mr. Pickwick's character, for he -walked away without deigning any reply. - -The hackney-coach jolted along Fleet Street, as hackney- -coaches usually do. The horses 'went better', the driver said, -when they had anything before them (they must have gone at -a most extraordinary pace when there was nothing), and so -the vehicle kept behind a cart; when the cart stopped, it stopped; -and when the cart went on again, it did the same. Mr. Pickwick -sat opposite the tipstaff; and the tipstaff sat with his hat between -his knees, whistling a tune, and looking out of the coach window. - -Time performs wonders. By the powerful old gentleman's aid, -even a hackney-coach gets over half a mile of ground. They -stopped at length, and Mr. Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet. - -The tipstaff, just looking over his shoulder to see that his -charge was following close at his heels, preceded Mr. Pickwick -into the prison; turning to the left, after they had entered, they -passed through an open door into a lobby, from which a heavy -gate, opposite to that by which they had entered, and which was -guarded by a stout turnkey with the key in his hand, led at once -into the interior of the prison. - -Here they stopped, while the tipstaff delivered his papers; and -here Mr. Pickwick was apprised that he would remain, until he -had undergone the ceremony, known to the initiated as 'sitting -for your portrait.' - -'Sitting for my portrait?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Having your likeness taken, sir,' replied the stout turnkey. -'We're capital hands at likenesses here. Take 'em in no time, and -always exact. Walk in, sir, and make yourself at home.' - -Mr. Pickwick complied with the invitation, and sat himself -down; when Mr. Weller, who stationed himself at the back of the -chair, whispered that the sitting was merely another term for -undergoing an inspection by the different turnkeys, in order that -they might know prisoners from visitors. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'then I wish the artists would -come. This is rather a public place.' - -'They von't be long, Sir, I des-say,' replied Sam. 'There's a -Dutch clock, sir.' - -'So I see,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'And a bird-cage, sir,' says Sam. 'Veels vithin veels, a prison in -a prison. Ain't it, Sir?' - -As Mr. Weller made this philosophical remark, Mr. Pickwick -was aware that his sitting had commenced. The stout turnkey -having been relieved from the lock, sat down, and looked at him -carelessly, from time to time, while a long thin man who had -relieved him, thrust his hands beneath his coat tails, and planting -himself opposite, took a good long view of him. A third rather -surly-looking gentleman, who had apparently been disturbed at -his tea, for he was disposing of the last remnant of a crust and -butter when he came in, stationed himself close to Mr. Pickwick; -and, resting his hands on his hips, inspected him narrowly; while -two others mixed with the group, and studied his features with -most intent and thoughtful faces. Mr. Pickwick winced a good -deal under the operation, and appeared to sit very uneasily in his -chair; but he made no remark to anybody while it was being -performed, not even to Sam, who reclined upon the back of the -chair, reflecting, partly on the situation of his master, and partly -on the great satisfaction it would have afforded him to make a -fierce assault upon all the turnkeys there assembled, one after the -other, if it were lawful and peaceable so to do. - -At length the likeness was completed, and Mr. Pickwick was -informed that he might now proceed into the prison. - -'Where am I to sleep to-night?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Why, I don't rightly know about to-night,' replied the stout -turnkey. 'You'll be chummed on somebody to-morrow, and then -you'll be all snug and comfortable. The first night's generally -rather unsettled, but you'll be set all squares to-morrow.' - -After some discussion, it was discovered that one of the turnkeys -had a bed to let, which Mr. Pickwick could have for that night. -He gladly agreed to hire it. - -'If you'll come with me, I'll show it you at once,' said the man. -'It ain't a large 'un; but it's an out-and-outer to sleep in. This -way, sir.' - -They passed through the inner gate, and descended a short flight -of steps. The key was turned after them; and Mr. Pickwick found -himself, for the first time in his life, within the walls of a debtors' -prison. - - - -CHAPTER XLI -WHAT BEFELL Mr. PICKWICK WHEN HE GOT INTO THE - FLEET; WHAT PRISONERS HE SAW THERE, AND HOW HE - PASSED THE NIGHT - - -Mr. Tom Roker, the gentleman who had accompanied Mr. Pickwick into -the prison, turned sharp round to the right when he got to the -bottom of the little flight of steps, and led the way, through an -iron gate which stood open, and up another short flight of steps, -into a long narrow gallery, dirty and low, paved with stone, and -very dimly lighted by a window at each remote end. - -'This,' said the gentleman, thrusting his hands into his pockets, -and looking carelessly over his shoulder to Mr. Pickwick--'this -here is the hall flight.' - -'Oh,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking down a dark and filthy -staircase, which appeared to lead to a range of damp and gloomy -stone vaults, beneath the ground, 'and those, I suppose, are the -little cellars where the prisoners keep their small quantities of -coals. Unpleasant places to have to go down to; but very -convenient, I dare say.' - -'Yes, I shouldn't wonder if they was convenient,' replied the -gentleman, 'seeing that a few people live there, pretty snug. -That's the Fair, that is.' - -'My friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'you don't really mean to say -that human beings live down in those wretched dungeons?' - -'Don't I?' replied Mr. Roker, with indignant astonishment; -'why shouldn't I?' - -'Live!--live down there!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Live down there! Yes, and die down there, too, very often!' -replied Mr. Roker; 'and what of that? Who's got to say anything -agin it? Live down there! Yes, and a wery good place it is to live -in, ain't it?' - -As Roker turned somewhat fiercely upon Mr. Pickwick in -saying this, and moreover muttered in an excited fashion certain -unpleasant invocations concerning his own eyes, limbs, and -circulating fluids, the latter gentleman deemed it advisable to -pursue the discourse no further. Mr. Roker then proceeded to -mount another staircase, as dirty as that which led to the place -which has just been the subject of discussion, in which ascent he -was closely followed by Mr. Pickwick and Sam. - -'There,' said Mr. Roker, pausing for breath when they reached -another gallery of the same dimensions as the one below, 'this is -the coffee-room flight; the one above's the third, and the one -above that's the top; and the room where you're a-going to sleep -to-night is the warden's room, and it's this way--come on.' -Having said all this in a breath, Mr. Roker mounted another flight -of stairs with Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller following at his heels. - -These staircases received light from sundry windows placed at -some little distance above the floor, and looking into a gravelled -area bounded by a high brick wall, with iron CHEVAUX-DE-FRISE at -the top. This area, it appeared from Mr. Roker's statement, was -the racket-ground; and it further appeared, on the testimony -of the same gentleman, that there was a smaller area in that -portion of the prison which was nearest Farringdon Street, -denominated and called 'the Painted Ground,' from the fact of -its walls having once displayed the semblance of various men- -of-war in full sail, and other artistical effects achieved in -bygone times by some imprisoned draughtsman in his leisure hours. - -Having communicated this piece of information, apparently -more for the purpose of discharging his bosom of an important -fact, than with any specific view of enlightening Mr. Pickwick, -the guide, having at length reached another gallery, led the way -into a small passage at the extreme end, opened a door, and -disclosed an apartment of an appearance by no means inviting, -containing eight or nine iron bedsteads. - -'There,' said Mr. Roker, holding the door open, and looking -triumphantly round at Mr. Pickwick, 'there's a room!' - -Mr. Pickwick's face, however, betokened such a very trifling -portion of satisfaction at the appearance of his lodging, that -Mr. Roker looked, for a reciprocity of feeling, into the countenance -of Samuel Weller, who, until now, had observed a dignified silence. -'There's a room, young man,' observed Mr. Roker. - -'I see it,' replied Sam, with a placid nod of the head. - -'You wouldn't think to find such a room as this in the -Farringdon Hotel, would you?' said Mr. Roker, with a -complacent smile. - -To this Mr. Weller replied with an easy and unstudied closing -of one eye; which might be considered to mean, either that he -would have thought it, or that he would not have thought it, or -that he had never thought anything at all about it, as the -observer's imagination suggested. Having executed this feat, and -reopened his eye, Mr. Weller proceeded to inquire which was the -individual bedstead that Mr. Roker had so flatteringly described -as an out-and-outer to sleep in. - -'That's it,' replied Mr. Roker, pointing to a very rusty one in a -corner. 'It would make any one go to sleep, that bedstead would, -whether they wanted to or not.' - -'I should think,' said Sam, eyeing the piece of furniture in -question with a look of excessive disgust--'I should think poppies -was nothing to it.' - -'Nothing at all,' said Mr. Roker. - -'And I s'pose,' said Sam, with a sidelong glance at his master, -as if to see whether there were any symptoms of his determination -being shaken by what passed, 'I s'pose the other gen'l'men as -sleeps here ARE gen'l'men.' - -'Nothing but it,' said Mr. Roker. 'One of 'em takes his twelve -pints of ale a day, and never leaves off smoking even at his meals.' - -'He must be a first-rater,' said Sam. - -'A1,' replied Mr. Roker. - -Nothing daunted, even by this intelligence, Mr. Pickwick -smilingly announced his determination to test the powers of the -narcotic bedstead for that night; and Mr. Roker, after informing -him that he could retire to rest at whatever hour he thought -proper, without any further notice or formality, walked off, -leaving him standing with Sam in the gallery. - -It was getting dark; that is to say, a few gas jets were kindled -in this place which was never light, by way of compliment to the -evening, which had set in outside. As it was rather warm, some of -the tenants of the numerous little rooms which opened into the -gallery on either hand, had set their doors ajar. Mr. Pickwick -peeped into them as he passed along, with great curiosity and -interest. Here, four or five great hulking fellows, just visible -through a cloud of tobacco smoke, were engaged in noisy and -riotous conversation over half-emptied pots of beer, or playing -at all-fours with a very greasy pack of cards. In the adjoining -room, some solitary tenant might be seen poring, by the light of a -feeble tallow candle, over a bundle of soiled and tattered papers, -yellow with dust and dropping to pieces from age, writing, for the -hundredth time, some lengthened statement of his grievances, for -the perusal of some great man whose eyes it would never reach, -or whose heart it would never touch. In a third, a man, with his -wife and a whole crowd of children, might be seen making up a -scanty bed on the ground, or upon a few chairs, for the younger -ones to pass the night in. And in a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, -and a seventh, the noise, and the beer, and the tobacco smoke, and -the cards, all came over again in greater force than before. - -In the galleries themselves, and more especially on the stair- -cases, there lingered a great number of people, who came there, -some because their rooms were empty and lonesome, others -because their rooms were full and hot; the greater part because -they were restless and uncomfortable, and not possessed of the -secret of exactly knowing what to do with themselves. There -were many classes of people here, from the labouring man in his -fustian jacket, to the broken-down spendthrift in his shawl -dressing-gown, most appropriately out at elbows; but there was -the same air about them all--a kind of listless, jail-bird, careless -swagger, a vagabondish who's-afraid sort of bearing, which is -wholly indescribable in words, but which any man can understand -in one moment if he wish, by setting foot in the nearest -debtors' prison, and looking at the very first group of people he -sees there, with the same interest as Mr. Pickwick did. - -'It strikes me, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, leaning over the iron -rail at the stair-head-'it strikes me, Sam, that imprisonment for -debt is scarcely any punishment at all.' - -'Think not, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'You see how these fellows drink, and smoke, and roar,' -replied Mr. Pickwick. 'It's quite impossible that they can mind -it much.' - -'Ah, that's just the wery thing, Sir,' rejoined Sam, 'they don't -mind it; it's a reg'lar holiday to them--all porter and skittles. -It's the t'other vuns as gets done over vith this sort o' thing; -them down-hearted fellers as can't svig avay at the beer, nor play -at skittles neither; them as vould pay if they could, and gets low -by being boxed up. I'll tell you wot it is, sir; them as is always -a-idlin' in public-houses it don't damage at all, and them as is -alvays a-workin' wen they can, it damages too much. "It's -unekal," as my father used to say wen his grog worn't made half- -and-half: "it's unekal, and that's the fault on it."' - -'I think you're right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a few -moments' reflection, 'quite right.' - -'P'raps, now and then, there's some honest people as likes it,' -observed Mr. Weller, in a ruminative tone, 'but I never heerd o' -one as I can call to mind, 'cept the little dirty-faced man in the -brown coat; and that was force of habit.' - -'And who was he?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wy, that's just the wery point as nobody never know'd,' -replied Sam. - -'But what did he do?' - -'Wy, he did wot many men as has been much better know'd -has done in their time, Sir,' replied Sam, 'he run a match agin the -constable, and vun it.' - -'In other words, I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'he got into debt.' - -'Just that, Sir,' replied Sam, 'and in course o' time he come -here in consekens. It warn't much--execution for nine pound -nothin', multiplied by five for costs; but hows'ever here he -stopped for seventeen year. If he got any wrinkles in his face, -they were stopped up vith the dirt, for both the dirty face and the -brown coat wos just the same at the end o' that time as they wos -at the beginnin'. He wos a wery peaceful, inoffendin' little -creetur, and wos alvays a-bustlin' about for somebody, or playin' -rackets and never vinnin'; till at last the turnkeys they got quite -fond on him, and he wos in the lodge ev'ry night, a-chattering -vith 'em, and tellin' stories, and all that 'ere. Vun night he wos in -there as usual, along vith a wery old friend of his, as wos on the -lock, ven he says all of a sudden, "I ain't seen the market outside, -Bill," he says (Fleet Market wos there at that time)--"I ain't -seen the market outside, Bill," he says, "for seventeen year." -"I know you ain't," says the turnkey, smoking his pipe. "I -should like to see it for a minit, Bill," he says. "Wery probable," -says the turnkey, smoking his pipe wery fierce, and making -believe he warn't up to wot the little man wanted. "Bill," says -the little man, more abrupt than afore, "I've got the fancy in my -head. Let me see the public streets once more afore I die; and if -I ain't struck with apoplexy, I'll be back in five minits by the -clock." "And wot 'ud become o' me if you WOS struck with -apoplexy?" said the turnkey. "Wy," says the little creetur, -"whoever found me, 'ud bring me home, for I've got my card in -my pocket, Bill," he says, "No. 20, Coffee-room Flight": and -that wos true, sure enough, for wen he wanted to make the -acquaintance of any new-comer, he used to pull out a little limp -card vith them words on it and nothin' else; in consideration of -vich, he vos alvays called Number Tventy. The turnkey takes a -fixed look at him, and at last he says in a solemn manner, -"Tventy," he says, "I'll trust you; you Won't get your old friend -into trouble." "No, my boy; I hope I've somethin' better behind -here," says the little man; and as he said it he hit his little vesket -wery hard, and then a tear started out o' each eye, which wos -wery extraordinary, for it wos supposed as water never touched -his face. He shook the turnkey by the hand; out he vent--' - -'And never came back again,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wrong for vunce, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, 'for back he come, -two minits afore the time, a-bilin' with rage, sayin' how he'd -been nearly run over by a hackney-coach that he warn't used to -it; and he was blowed if he wouldn't write to the lord mayor. -They got him pacified at last; and for five years arter that, he -never even so much as peeped out o' the lodge gate.' - -'At the expiration of that time he died, I suppose,' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, he didn't, Sir,' replied Sam. 'He got a curiosity to go and -taste the beer at a new public-house over the way, and it wos such -a wery nice parlour, that he took it into his head to go there -every night, which he did for a long time, always comin' back -reg'lar about a quarter of an hour afore the gate shut, which was -all wery snug and comfortable. At last he began to get so precious -jolly, that he used to forget how the time vent, or care nothin' at -all about it, and he went on gettin' later and later, till vun night -his old friend wos just a-shuttin' the gate--had turned the key in -fact--wen he come up. "Hold hard, Bill," he says. "Wot, ain't -you come home yet, Tventy?' says the turnkey, "I thought you -wos in, long ago." "No, I wasn't," says the little man, with a -smile. "Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is, my friend," says the -turnkey, openin' the gate wery slow and sulky, "it's my 'pinion -as you've got into bad company o' late, which I'm wery sorry to -see. Now, I don't wish to do nothing harsh," he says, "but if you -can't confine yourself to steady circles, and find your vay back at -reg'lar hours, as sure as you're a-standin' there, I'll shut you out -altogether!" The little man was seized vith a wiolent fit o' -tremblin', and never vent outside the prison walls artervards!' - -As Sam concluded, Mr. Pickwick slowly retraced his steps -downstairs. After a few thoughtful turns in the Painted Ground, -which, as it was now dark, was nearly deserted, he intimated to -Mr. Weller that he thought it high time for him to withdraw for -the night; requesting him to seek a bed in some adjacent public- -house, and return early in the morning, to make arrangements -for the removal of his master's wardrobe from the George and -Vulture. This request Mr. Samuel Weller prepared to obey, with -as good a grace as he could assume, but with a very considerable -show of reluctance nevertheless. He even went so far as to essay -sundry ineffectual hints regarding the expediency of stretching -himself on the gravel for that night; but finding Mr. Pickwick -obstinately deaf to any such suggestions, finally withdrew. - -There is no disguising the fact that Mr. Pickwick felt very -low-spirited and uncomfortable--not for lack of society, for the -prison was very full, and a bottle of wine would at once have -purchased the utmost good-fellowship of a few choice spirits, -without any more formal ceremony of introduction; but he was -alone in the coarse, vulgar crowd, and felt the depression of -spirits and sinking of heart, naturally consequent on the reflection -that he was cooped and caged up, without a prospect of liberation. -As to the idea of releasing himself by ministering to the -sharpness of Dodson & Fogg, it never for an instant entered his thoughts. - -In this frame of mind he turned again into the coffee-room -gallery, and walked slowly to and fro. The place was intolerably -dirty, and the smell of tobacco smoke perfectly suffocating. -There was a perpetual slamming and banging of doors as the -people went in and out; and the noise of their voices and footsteps -echoed and re-echoed through the passages constantly. A young -woman, with a child in her arms, who seemed scarcely able to -crawl, from emaciation and misery, was walking up and down the -passage in conversation with her husband, who had no other -place to see her in. As they passed Mr. Pickwick, he could hear -the female sob bitterly; and once she burst into such a passion of -grief, that she was compelled to lean against the wall for support, -while the man took the child in his arms, and tried to soothe her. - -Mr. Pickwick's heart was really too full to bear it, and he went -upstairs to bed. - -Now, although the warder's room was a very uncomfortable -one (being, in every point of decoration and convenience, several -hundred degrees inferior to the common infirmary of a county -jail), it had at present the merit of being wholly deserted save by -Mr. Pickwick himself. So, he sat down at the foot of his little iron -bedstead, and began to wonder how much a year the warder -made out of the dirty room. Having satisfied himself, by mathematical -calculation, that the apartment was about equal in -annual value to the freehold of a small street in the suburbs of -London, he took to wondering what possible temptation could -have induced a dingy-looking fly that was crawling over his -pantaloons, to come into a close prison, when he had the choice -of so many airy situations--a course of meditation which led him to -the irresistible conclusion that the insect was insane. After -settling this point, he began to be conscious that he was getting -sleepy; whereupon he took his nightcap out of the pocket in -which he had had the precaution to stow it in the morning, and, -leisurely undressing himself, got into bed and fell asleep. - -'Bravo! Heel over toe--cut and shuffle--pay away at it, -Zephyr! I'm smothered if the opera house isn't your proper -hemisphere. Keep it up! Hooray!' These expressions, delivered -in a most boisterous tone, and accompanied with loud peals of -laughter, roused Mr. Pickwick from one of those sound slumbers -which, lasting in reality some half-hour, seem to the sleeper to -have been protracted for three weeks or a month. - -The voice had no sooner ceased than the room was shaken -with such violence that the windows rattled in their frames, and -the bedsteads trembled again. Mr. Pickwick started up, and -remained for some minutes fixed in mute astonishment at the -scene before him. - -On the floor of the room, a man in a broad-skirted green coat, -with corduroy knee-smalls and gray cotton stockings, was -performing the most popular steps of a hornpipe, with a slang -and burlesque caricature of grace and lightness, which, combined -with the very appropriate character of his costume, was inexpressibly -absurd. Another man, evidently very drunk, who had -probably been tumbled into bed by his companions, was sitting -up between the sheets, warbling as much as he could recollect of -a comic song, with the most intensely sentimental feeling and -expression; while a third, seated on one of the bedsteads, was -applauding both performers with the air of a profound connoisseur, -and encouraging them by such ebullitions of feeling as had -already roused Mr. Pickwick from his sleep. - -This last man was an admirable specimen of a class of gentry -which never can be seen in full perfection but in such places-- -they may be met with, in an imperfect state, occasionally about -stable-yards and Public-houses; but they never attain their full -bloom except in these hot-beds, which would almost seem to be -considerately provided by the legislature for the sole purpose of -rearing them. - - -He was a tall fellow, with an olive complexion, long dark hair, -and very thick bushy whiskers meeting under his chin. He wore -no neckerchief, as he had been playing rackets all day, and his -Open shirt collar displayed their full luxuriance. On his head he -wore one of the common eighteenpenny French skull-caps, with a -gaudy tassel dangling therefrom, very happily in keeping with a -common fustian coat. His legs, which, being long, were afflicted -with weakness, graced a pair of Oxford-mixture trousers, made -to show the full symmetry of those limbs. Being somewhat -negligently braced, however, and, moreover, but imperfectly -buttoned, they fell in a series of not the most graceful folds over -a pair of shoes sufficiently down at heel to display a pair of very -soiled white stockings. There was a rakish, vagabond smartness, -and a kind of boastful rascality, about the whole man, that was -worth a mine of gold. - -This figure was the first to perceive that Mr. Pickwick was -looking on; upon which he winked to the Zephyr, and entreated -him, with mock gravity, not to wake the gentleman. -'Why, bless the gentleman's honest heart and soul!' said the -Zephyr, turning round and affecting the extremity of surprise; -'the gentleman is awake. Hem, Shakespeare! How do you do, -Sir? How is Mary and Sarah, sir? and the dear old lady at home, -Sir? Will you have the kindness to put my compliments into the -first little parcel you're sending that way, sir, and say that I -would have sent 'em before, only I was afraid they might be -broken in the wagon, sir?' - -'Don't overwhelm the gentlemen with ordinary civilities when -you see he's anxious to have something to drink,' said the -gentleman with the whiskers, with a jocose air. 'Why don't you -ask the gentleman what he'll take?' - -'Dear me, I quite forgot,' replied the other. 'What will you -take, sir? Will you take port wine, sir, or sherry wine, sir? I can -recommend the ale, sir; or perhaps you'd like to taste the porter, -sir? Allow me to have the felicity of hanging up your nightcap, Sir.' - -With this, the speaker snatched that article of dress from Mr. -Pickwick's head, and fixed it in a twinkling on that of the drunken -man, who, firmly impressed with the belief that he was delighting -a numerous assembly, continued to hammer away at the comic -song in the most melancholy strains imaginable. - -Taking a man's nightcap from his brow by violent means, and -adjusting it on the head of an unknown gentleman, of dirty -exterior, however ingenious a witticism in itself, is unquestionably -one of those which come under the denomination of practical -jokes. Viewing the matter precisely in this light, Mr. Pickwick, -without the slightest intimation of his purpose, sprang vigorously -out of bed, struck the Zephyr so smart a blow in the chest as to -deprive him of a considerable portion of the commodity which -sometimes bears his name, and then, recapturing his nightcap, -boldly placed himself in an attitude of defence. - -'Now,' said Mr. Pickwick, gasping no less from excitement -than from the expenditure of so much energy, 'come on--both of -you--both of you!' With this liberal invitation the worthy -gentleman communicated a revolving motion to his clenched -fists, by way of appalling his antagonists with a display of science. - -It might have been Mr. Pickwick's very unexpected gallantry, -or it might have been the complicated manner in which he had -got himself out of bed, and fallen all in a mass upon the hornpipe -man, that touched his adversaries. Touched they were; for, -instead of then and there making an attempt to commit man- -slaughter, as Mr. Pickwick implicitly believed they would have -done, they paused, stared at each other a short time, and finally -laughed outright. - -'Well, you're a trump, and I like you all the better for it,' said -the Zephyr. 'Now jump into bed again, or you'll catch the -rheumatics. No malice, I hope?' said the man, extending a hand -the size of the yellow clump of fingers which sometimes swings -over a glover's door. - -'Certainly not,' said Mr. Pickwick, with great alacrity; for, -now that the excitement was over, he began to feel rather cool -about the legs. - -'Allow me the H-onour,' said the gentleman with the whiskers, -presenting his dexter hand, and aspirating the h. - -'With much pleasure, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and having -executed a very long and solemn shake, he got into bed again. - -'My name is Smangle, sir,' said the man with the whiskers. - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mine is Mivins,' said the man in the stockings. - -'I am delighted to hear it, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hem,' coughed Mr. Smangle. - -'Did you speak, sir?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, I did not, sir,' said Mr. Smangle. - -All this was very genteel and pleasant; and, to make matters -still more comfortable, Mr. Smangle assured Mr. Pickwick a -great many more times that he entertained a very high respect for -the feelings of a gentleman; which sentiment, indeed, did him -infinite credit, as he could be in no wise supposed to understand them. - -'Are you going through the court, sir?' inquired Mr. Smangle. -'Through the what?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Through the court--Portugal Street--the Court for Relief -of-- You know.' - -'Oh, no,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'No, I am not.' - -'Going out, perhaps?' suggested Mr. Mivins. - -'I fear not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'I refuse to pay some -damages, and am here in consequence.' - -'Ah,' said Mr. Smangle, 'paper has been my ruin.' - -'A stationer, I presume, Sir?' said Mr. Pickwick innocently. - -'Stationer! No, no; confound and curse me! Not so low as that. -No trade. When I say paper, I mean bills.' - -'Oh, you use the word in that sense. I see,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Damme! A gentleman must expect reverses,' said Smangle. -'What of that? Here am I in the Fleet Prison. Well; good. What -then? I'm none the worse for that, am I?' - -'Not a bit,' replied Mr. Mivins. And he was quite right; for, so -far from Mr. Smangle being any the worse for it, he was something -the better, inasmuch as to qualify himself for the place, he -had attained gratuitous possession of certain articles of jewellery, -which, long before that, had found their way to the pawnbroker's. - -'Well; but come,' said Mr. Smangle; 'this is dry work. Let's -rinse our mouths with a drop of burnt sherry; the last-comer shall -stand it, Mivins shall fetch it, and I'll help to drink it. That's a -fair and gentlemanlike division of labour, anyhow. Curse me!' - -Unwilling to hazard another quarrel, Mr. Pickwick gladly -assented to the proposition, and consigned the money to Mr. -Mivins, who, as it was nearly eleven o'clock, lost no time in -repairing to the coffee-room on his errand. - -'I say,' whispered Smangle, the moment his friend had left the -room; 'what did you give him?' - -'Half a sovereign,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'He's a devilish pleasant gentlemanly dog,' said Mr. Smangle;-- -'infernal pleasant. I don't know anybody more so; but--' -Here Mr. Smangle stopped short, and shook his head dubiously. - -'You don't think there is any probability of his appropriating -the money to his own use?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, no! Mind, I don't say that; I expressly say that he's a -devilish gentlemanly fellow,' said Mr. Smangle. 'But I think, -perhaps, if somebody went down, just to see that he didn't dip -his beak into the jug by accident, or make some confounded -mistake in losing the money as he came upstairs, it would be as -well. Here, you sir, just run downstairs, and look after that -gentleman, will you?' - -This request was addressed to a little timid-looking, nervous -man, whose appearance bespoke great poverty, and who had -been crouching on his bedstead all this while, apparently -stupefied by the novelty of his situation. - -'You know where the coffee-room is,' said Smangle; 'just run -down, and tell that gentleman you've come to help him up with -the jug. Or--stop--I'll tell you what--I'll tell you how we'll do -him,' said Smangle, with a cunning look. - -'How?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Send down word that he's to spend the change in cigars. -Capital thought. Run and tell him that; d'ye hear? They shan't -be wasted,' continued Smangle, turning to Mr. Pickwick. 'I'LL -smoke 'em.' - -This manoeuvring was so exceedingly ingenious and, withal, -performed with such immovable composure and coolness, that -Mr. Pickwick would have had no wish to disturb it, even if he had -had the power. In a short time Mr. Mivins returned, bearing the -sherry, which Mr. Smangle dispensed in two little cracked mugs; -considerately remarking, with reference to himself, that a -gentleman must not be particular under such circumstances, and -that, for his part, he was not too proud to drink out of the jug. -In which, to show his sincerity, he forthwith pledged the company -in a draught which half emptied it. - -An excellent understanding having been by these means -promoted, Mr. Smangle proceeded to entertain his hearers with -a relation of divers romantic adventures in which he had been -from time to time engaged, involving various interesting anecdotes -of a thoroughbred horse, and a magnificent Jewess, both of -surpassing beauty, and much coveted by the nobility and gentry -of these kingdoms. - -Long before these elegant extracts from the biography of a -gentleman were concluded, Mr. Mivins had betaken himself to -bed, and had set in snoring for the night, leaving the timid -stranger and Mr. Pickwick to the full benefit of Mr. Smangle's -experiences. - -Nor were the two last-named gentlemen as much edified as -they might have been by the moving passages narrated. Mr. -Pickwick had been in a state of slumber for some time, when he -had a faint perception of the drunken man bursting out afresh -with the comic song, and receiving from Mr. Smangle a gentle -intimation, through the medium of the water-jug, that his -audience was not musically disposed. Mr. Pickwick then once -again dropped off to sleep, with a confused consciousness that -Mr. Smangle was still engaged in relating a long story, the chief -point of which appeared to be that, on some occasion particularly -stated and set forth, he had 'done' a bill and a gentleman at the -same time. - - - -CHAPTER XLII -ILLUSTRATIVE, LIKE THE PRECEDING ONE, OF THE OLD - PROVERB, THAT ADVERSITY BRINGS A MAN ACQUAINTED - WITH STRANGE BEDFELLOWS--LIKEWISE CONTAINING Mr. - PICKWICK'S EXTRAORDINARY AND STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT - TO Mr. SAMUEL WELLER - - -When Mr. Pickwick opened his eyes next morning, the first object -upon which they rested was Samuel Weller, seated upon a small -black portmanteau, intently regarding, apparently in a condition -of profound abstraction, the stately figure of the dashing Mr. -Smangle; while Mr. Smangle himself, who was already partially -dressed, was seated on his bedstead, occupied in the desperately -hopeless attempt of staring Mr. Weller out of countenance. We -say desperately hopeless, because Sam, with a comprehensive gaze -which took in Mr. Smangle's cap, feet, head, face, legs, and -whiskers, all at the same time, continued to look steadily on, -with every demonstration of lively satisfaction, but with no -more regard to Mr. Smangle's personal sentiments on the subject -than he would have displayed had he been inspecting a wooden -statue, or a straw-embowelled Guy Fawkes. - -'Well; will you know me again?' said Mr. Smangle, with a frown. - -'I'd svear to you anyveres, Sir,' replied Sam cheerfully. - -'Don't be impertinent to a gentleman, Sir,' said Mr. Smangle. - -'Not on no account,' replied Sam. 'if you'll tell me wen he -wakes, I'll be upon the wery best extra-super behaviour!' This -observation, having a remote tendency to imply that Mr. -Smangle was no gentleman, kindled his ire. - -'Mivins!' said Mr. Smangle, with a passionate air. - -'What's the office?' replied that gentleman from his couch. - -'Who the devil is this fellow?' - -''Gad,' said Mr. Mivins, looking lazily out from under the -bed-clothes, 'I ought to ask YOU that. Hasn't he any business here?' - -'No,' replied Mr. Smangle. -'Then knock him downstairs, and tell him not to presume to -get up till I come and kick him,' rejoined Mr. Mivins; with this -prompt advice that excellent gentleman again betook himself to slumber. - -The conversation exhibiting these unequivocal symptoms of -verging on the personal, Mr. Pickwick deemed it a fit point at -which to interpose. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sir,' rejoined that gentleman. - -'Has anything new occurred since last night?' - -'Nothin' partickler, sir,' replied Sam, glancing at Mr. Smangle's -whiskers; 'the late prewailance of a close and confined atmosphere -has been rayther favourable to the growth of veeds, of an -alarmin' and sangvinary natur; but vith that 'ere exception -things is quiet enough.' - -'I shall get up,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'give me some clean things.' -Whatever hostile intentions Mr. Smangle might have entertained, -his thoughts were speedily diverted by the unpacking -of the portmanteau; the contents of which appeared to impress -him at once with a most favourable opinion, not only of Mr. -Pickwick, but of Sam also, who, he took an early opportunity -of declaring in a tone of voice loud enough for that eccentric -personage to overhear, was a regular thoroughbred original, -and consequently the very man after his own heart. As -to Mr. Pickwick, the affection he conceived for him knew no limits. - -'Now is there anything I can do for you, my dear Sir?' said Smangle. - -'Nothing that I am aware of, I am obliged to you,' replied -Mr. Pickwick. - -'No linen that you want sent to the washerwoman's? I know a -delightful washerwoman outside, that comes for my things twice -a week; and, by Jove!--how devilish lucky!--this is the day she -calls. Shall I put any of those little things up with mine? Don't -say anything about the trouble. Confound and curse it! if one -gentleman under a cloud is not to put himself a little out of the -way to assist another gentleman in the same condition, what's -human nature?' - -Thus spake Mr. Smangle, edging himself meanwhile as near as -possible to the portmanteau, and beaming forth looks of the -most fervent and disinterested friendship. - -'There's nothing you want to give out for the man to brush, -my dear creature, is there?' resumed Smangle. - -'Nothin' whatever, my fine feller,' rejoined Sam, taking the -reply into his own mouth. 'P'raps if vun of us wos to brush, -without troubling the man, it 'ud be more agreeable for all -parties, as the schoolmaster said when the young gentleman -objected to being flogged by the butler.' - -'And there's nothing I can send in my little box to the washer- -woman's, is there?' said Smangle, turning from Sam to Mr. -Pickwick, with an air of some discomfiture. - -'Nothin' whatever, Sir,' retorted Sam; 'I'm afeered the little -box must be chock full o' your own as it is.' - -This speech was accompanied with such a very expressive look -at that particular portion of Mr. Smangle's attire, by the appearance -of which the skill of laundresses in getting up gentlemen's -linen is generally tested, that he was fain to turn upon his heel, -and, for the present at any rate, to give up all design on Mr. -Pickwick's purse and wardrobe. He accordingly retired in -dudgeon to the racket-ground, where he made a light and whole- -some breakfast on a couple of the cigars which had been purchased -on the previous night. -Mr. Mivins, who was no smoker, and whose account for small -articles of chandlery had also reached down to the bottom of the -slate, and been 'carried over' to the other side, remained in bed, -and, in his own words, 'took it out in sleep.' - -After breakfasting in a small closet attached to the coffee- -room, which bore the imposing title of the Snuggery, the temporary -inmate of which, in consideration of a small additional -charge, had the unspeakable advantage of overhearing all the -conversation in the coffee-room aforesaid; and, after despatching -Mr. Weller on some necessary errands, Mr. Pickwick repaired to -the lodge, to consult Mr. Roker concerning his future accommodation. - -'Accommodation, eh?' said that gentleman, consulting a large -book. 'Plenty of that, Mr. Pickwick. Your chummage ticket will -be on twenty-seven, in the third.' - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'My what, did you say?' - -'Your chummage ticket,' replied Mr. Roker; 'you're up to -that?' - -'Not quite,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. - -'Why,' said Mr. Roker, 'it's as plain as Salisbury. You'll have -a chummage ticket upon twenty-seven in the third, and them as -is in the room will be your chums.' - -'Are there many of them?' inquired Mr. Pickwick dubiously. - -'Three,' replied Mr. Roker. - -Mr. Pickwick coughed. - -'One of 'em's a parson,' said Mr. Roker, filling up a little piece -of paper as he spoke; 'another's a butcher.' - -'Eh?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'A butcher,' repeated Mr. Roker, giving the nib of his pen a -tap on the desk to cure it of a disinclination to mark. 'What a -thorough-paced goer he used to be sure-ly! You remember Tom -Martin, Neddy?' said Roker, appealing to another man in the -lodge, who was paring the mud off his shoes with a five-and- -twenty-bladed pocket-knife. - -'I should think so,' replied the party addressed, with a strong -emphasis on the personal pronoun. - -'Bless my dear eyes!' said Mr. Roker, shaking his head slowly -from side to side, and gazing abstractedly out of the grated -windows before him, as if he were fondly recalling some peaceful -scene of his early youth; 'it seems but yesterday that he whopped -the coal-heaver down Fox-under-the-Hill by the wharf there. -I think I can see him now, a-coming up the Strand between -the two street-keepers, a little sobered by the bruising, with -a patch o' winegar and brown paper over his right eyelid, and -that 'ere lovely bulldog, as pinned the little boy arterwards, -a-following at his heels. What a rum thing time is, ain't it, Neddy?' - -The gentleman to whom these observations were addressed, -who appeared of a taciturn and thoughtful cast, merely echoed -the inquiry; Mr. Roker, shaking off the poetical and gloomy -train of thought into which he had been betrayed, descended to -the common business of life, and resumed his pen. - -'Do you know what the third gentlemen is?' inquired Mr. -Pickwick, not very much gratified by this description of his -future associates. - -'What is that Simpson, Neddy?' said Mr. Roker, turning to his -companion. - -'What Simpson?' said Neddy. - -'Why, him in twenty-seven in the third, that this gentleman's -going to be chummed on.' - -'Oh, him!' replied Neddy; 'he's nothing exactly. He WAS a -horse chaunter: he's a leg now.' - -'Ah, so I thought,' rejoined Mr. Roker, closing the book, and -placing the small piece of paper in Mr. Pickwick's hands. 'That's -the ticket, sir.' - -Very much perplexed by this summary disposition of this -person, Mr. Pickwick walked back into the prison, revolving in -his mind what he had better do. Convinced, however, that before -he took any other steps it would be advisable to see, and hold -personal converse with, the three gentlemen with whom it was -proposed to quarter him, he made the best of his way to the third flight. - -After groping about in the gallery for some time, attempting in -the dim light to decipher the numbers on the different doors, he -at length appealed to a pot-boy, who happened to be pursuing -his morning occupation of gleaning for pewter. - -'Which is twenty-seven, my good fellow?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Five doors farther on,' replied the pot-boy. 'There's the -likeness of a man being hung, and smoking the while, chalked -outside the door.' - -Guided by this direction, Mr. Pickwick proceeded slowly along -the gallery until he encountered the 'portrait of a gentleman,' -above described, upon whose countenance he tapped, with the -knuckle of his forefinger--gently at first, and then audibly. After -repeating this process several times without effect, he ventured to -open the door and peep in. - -There was only one man in the room, and he was leaning out -of window as far as he could without overbalancing himself, -endeavouring, with great perseverance, to spit upon the crown -of the hat of a personal friend on the parade below. As neither -speaking, coughing, sneezing, knocking, nor any other ordinary -mode of attracting attention, made this person aware of the -presence of a visitor, Mr. Pickwick, after some delay, stepped up -to the window, and pulled him gently by the coat tail. The -individual brought in his head and shoulders with great swiftness, -and surveying Mr. Pickwick from head to foot, demanded in a -surly tone what the--something beginning with a capital H--he wanted. - -'I believe,' said Mr. Pickwick, consulting his ticket--'I believe -this is twenty-seven in the third?' - -'Well?' replied the gentleman. - -'I have come here in consequence of receiving this bit of -paper,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. - -'Hand it over,' said the gentleman. - -Mr. Pickwick complied. - -'I think Roker might have chummed you somewhere else,' said -Mr. Simpson (for it was the leg), after a very discontented sort of -a pause. - -Mr. Pickwick thought so also; but, under all the circumstances, -he considered it a matter of sound policy to be silent. -Mr. Simpson mused for a few moments after this, and then, -thrusting his head out of the window, gave a shrill whistle, and -pronounced some word aloud, several times. What the word was, -Mr. Pickwick could not distinguish; but he rather inferred that -it must be some nickname which distinguished Mr. Martin, from -the fact of a great number of gentlemen on the ground below, -immediately proceeding to cry 'Butcher!' in imitation of the tone -in which that useful class of society are wont, diurnally, to make -their presence known at area railings. - -Subsequent occurrences confirmed the accuracy of Mr. Pickwick's -impression; for, in a few seconds, a gentleman, prematurely -broad for his years, clothed in a professional blue jean frock and -top-boots with circular toes, entered the room nearly out of -breath, closely followed by another gentleman in very shabby -black, and a sealskin cap. The latter gentleman, who fastened his -coat all the way up to his chin by means of a pin and a button -alternately, had a very coarse red face, and looked like a drunken -chaplain; which, indeed, he was. - -These two gentlemen having by turns perused Mr. Pickwick's -billet, the one expressed his opinion that it was 'a rig,' and the -other his conviction that it was 'a go.' Having recorded their -feelings in these very intelligible terms, they looked at Mr. -Pickwick and each other in awkward silence. - -'It's an aggravating thing, just as we got the beds so snug,' said -the chaplain, looking at three dirty mattresses, each rolled up in -a blanket; which occupied one corner of the room during the day, -and formed a kind of slab, on which were placed an old cracked -basin, ewer, and soap-dish, of common yellow earthenware, with -a blue flower--'very aggravating.' - -Mr. Martin expressed the same opinion in rather stronger -terms; Mr. Simpson, after having let a variety of expletive -adjectives loose upon society without any substantive to accompany -them, tucked up his sleeves, and began to wash the greens -for dinner. - -While this was going on, Mr. Pickwick had been eyeing the -room, which was filthily dirty, and smelt intolerably close. There -was no vestige of either carpet, curtain, or blind. There was not -even a closet in it. Unquestionably there were but few things to -put away, if there had been one; but, however few in number, or -small in individual amount, still, remnants of loaves and pieces -of cheese, and damp towels, and scrags of meat, and articles of -wearing apparel, and mutilated crockery, and bellows without -nozzles, and toasting-forks without prongs, do present somewhat -of an uncomfortable appearance when they are scattered about -the floor of a small apartment, which is the common sitting and -sleeping room of three idle men. - -'I suppose this can be managed somehow,' said the butcher, -after a pretty long silence. 'What will you take to go out?' -'I beg your pardon,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'What did you say? -I hardly understand you.' - -'What will you take to be paid out?' said the butcher. 'The -regular chummage is two-and-six. Will you take three bob?' - -'And a bender,' suggested the clerical gentleman. - -'Well, I don't mind that; it's only twopence a piece more,' said -Mr. Martin. 'What do you say, now? We'll pay you out for -three-and-sixpence a week. Come!' - -'And stand a gallon of beer down,' chimed in Mr. Simpson. -'There!' - -'And drink it on the spot,' said the chaplain. 'Now!' - -'I really am so wholly ignorant of the rules of this place,' -returned Mr. Pickwick, 'that I do not yet comprehend you. Can -I live anywhere else? I thought I could not.' - -At this inquiry Mr. Martin looked, with a countenance of -excessive surprise, at his two friends, and then each gentleman -pointed with his right thumb over his left shoulder. This action -imperfectly described in words by the very feeble term of 'over -the left,' when performed by any number of ladies or gentlemen -who are accustomed to act in unison, has a very graceful and airy -effect; its expression is one of light and playful sarcasm. - -'CAN you!' repeated Mr. Martin, with a smile of pity. - -'Well, if I knew as little of life as that, I'd eat my hat and -swallow the buckle whole,' said the clerical gentleman. - -'So would I,' added the sporting one solemnly. - -After this introductory preface, the three chums informed Mr. -Pickwick, in a breath, that money was, in the Fleet, just what -money was out of it; that it would instantly procure him almost -anything he desired; and that, supposing he had it, and had no -objection to spend it, if he only signified his wish to have a room -to himself, he might take possession of one, furnished and fitted -to boot, in half an hour's time. - -With this the parties separated, very much to their common -satisfaction; Mr. Pickwick once more retracing his steps to the -lodge, and the three companions adjourning to the coffee-room, -there to spend the five shillings which the clerical gentleman had, -with admirable prudence and foresight, borrowed of him for the purpose. - -'I knowed it!' said Mr. Roker, with a chuckle, when Mr. -Pickwick stated the object with which he had returned. 'Didn't I -say so, Neddy?' - -The philosophical owner of the universal penknife growled an -affirmative. - -'I knowed you'd want a room for yourself, bless you!' said -Mr. Roker. 'Let me see. You'll want some furniture. You'll hire -that of me, I suppose? That's the reg'lar thing.' - -'With great pleasure,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'There's a capital room up in the coffee-room flight, that -belongs to a Chancery prisoner,' said Mr. Roker. 'It'll stand you -in a pound a week. I suppose you don't mind that?' - -'Not at all,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Just step there with me,' said Roker, taking up his hat with -great alacrity; 'the matter's settled in five minutes. Lord! why -didn't you say at first that you was willing to come down handsome?' - -The matter was soon arranged, as the turnkey had foretold. -The Chancery prisoner had been there long enough to have lost -his friends, fortune, home, and happiness, and to have acquired -the right of having a room to himself. As he laboured, however, -under the inconvenience of often wanting a morsel of bread, he -eagerly listened to Mr. Pickwick's proposal to rent the apartment, -and readily covenanted and agreed to yield him up the sole and -undisturbed possession thereof, in consideration of the weekly -payment of twenty shillings; from which fund he furthermore -contracted to pay out any person or persons that might be -chummed upon it. - -As they struck the bargain, Mr. Pickwick surveyed him with a -painful interest. He was a tall, gaunt, cadaverous man, in an old -greatcoat and slippers, with sunken cheeks, and a restless, eager -eye. His lips were bloodless, and his bones sharp and thin. God -help him! the iron teeth of confinement and privation had been -slowly filing him down for twenty years. - -'And where will you live meanwhile, Sir?' said Mr. Pickwick, -as he laid the amount of the first week's rent, in advance, on the -tottering table. - -The man gathered up the money with a trembling hand, and -replied that he didn't know yet; he must go and see where he -could move his bed to. - -'I am afraid, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, laying his hand gently and -compassionately on his arm--'I am afraid you will have to live in -some noisy, crowded place. Now, pray, consider this room your -own when you want quiet, or when any of your friends come to -see you.' - -'Friends!' interposed the man, in a voice which rattled in his -throat. 'if I lay dead at the bottom of the deepest mine in the -world; tight screwed down and soldered in my coffin; rotting in -the dark and filthy ditch that drags its slime along, beneath the -foundations of this prison; I could not be more forgotten or -unheeded than I am here. I am a dead man; dead to society, -without the pity they bestow on those whose souls have passed to -judgment. Friends to see me! My God! I have sunk, from the -prime of life into old age, in this place, and there is not one to -raise his hand above my bed when I lie dead upon it, and say, -"It is a blessing he is gone!"' - -The excitement, which had cast an unwonted light over the -man's face, while he spoke, subsided as he concluded; and -pressing his withered hands together in a hasty and disordered -manner, he shuffled from the room. - -'Rides rather rusty,' said Mr. Roker, with a smile. 'Ah! they're -like the elephants. They feel it now and then, and it makes 'em wild!' - -Having made this deeply-sympathising remark, Mr. Roker -entered upon his arrangements with such expedition, that in a -short time the room was furnished with a carpet, six chairs, a -table, a sofa bedstead, a tea-kettle, and various small articles, on -hire, at the very reasonable rate of seven-and-twenty shillings and -sixpence per week. - -'Now, is there anything more we can do for you?' inquired -Mr. Roker, looking round with great satisfaction, and gaily -chinking the first week's hire in his closed fist. - -'Why, yes,' said Mr. Pickwick, who had been musing deeply -for some time. 'Are there any people here who run on errands, -and so forth?' - -'Outside, do you mean?' inquired Mr. Roker. - -'Yes. I mean who are able to go outside. Not prisoners.' - -'Yes, there is,' said Roker. 'There's an unfortunate devil, who -has got a friend on the poor side, that's glad to do anything of -that sort. He's been running odd jobs, and that, for the last two -months. Shall I send him?' - -'If you please,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Stay; no. The poor -side, you say? I should like to see it. I'll go to him myself.' - -The poor side of a debtor's prison is, as its name imports, that -in which the most miserable and abject class of debtors are -confined. A prisoner having declared upon the poor side, pays -neither rent nor chummage. His fees, upon entering and leaving -the jail, are reduced in amount, and he becomes entitled to a share -of some small quantities of food: to provide which, a few -charitable persons have, from time to time, left trifling legacies in -their wills. Most of our readers will remember, that, until within a -very few years past, there was a kind of iron cage in the wall of -the Fleet Prison, within which was posted some man of hungry -looks, who, from time to time, rattled a money-box, and -exclaimed in a mournful voice, 'Pray, remember the poor debtors; -pray remember the poor debtors.' The receipts of this box, when -there were any, were divided among the poor prisoners; and the -men on the poor side relieved each other in this degrading office. - -Although this custom has been abolished, and the cage is now -boarded up, the miserable and destitute condition of these -unhappy persons remains the same. We no longer suffer them to -appeal at the prison gates to the charity and compassion of the -passersby; but we still leave unblotted the leaves of our statute -book, for the reverence and admiration of succeeding ages, the -just and wholesome law which declares that the sturdy felon shall -be fed and clothed, and that the penniless debtor shall be left to -die of starvation and nakedness. This is no fiction. Not a week -passes over our head, but, in every one of our prisons for debt, -some of these men must inevitably expire in the slow agonies of -want, if they were not relieved by their fellow-prisoners. - -Turning these things in his mind, as he mounted the narrow -staircase at the foot of which Roker had left him, Mr. Pickwick -gradually worked himself to the boiling-over point; and so -excited was he with his reflections on this subject, that he had -burst into the room to which he had been directed, before he had -any distinct recollection, either of the place in which he was, or of -the object of his visit. - -The general aspect of the room recalled him to himself at once; -but he had no sooner cast his eye on the figure of a man who was -brooding over the dusty fire, than, letting his hat fall on the floor, -he stood perfectly fixed and immovable with astonishment. - -Yes; in tattered garments, and without a coat; his common -calico shirt, yellow and in rags; his hair hanging over his face; -his features changed with suffering, and pinched with famine-- -there sat Mr. Alfred Jingle; his head resting on his hands, his eyes -fixed upon the fire, and his whole appearance denoting misery -and dejection! - -Near him, leaning listlessly against the wall, stood a strong- -built countryman, flicking with a worn-out hunting-whip the -top-boot that adorned his right foot; his left being thrust into an -old slipper. Horses, dogs, and drink had brought him there, -pell-mell. There was a rusty spur on the solitary boot, which he -occasionally jerked into the empty air, at the same time giving -the boot a smart blow, and muttering some of the sounds by -which a sportsman encourages his horse. He was riding, in -imagination, some desperate steeplechase at that moment. Poor -wretch! He never rode a match on the swiftest animal in his costly -stud, with half the speed at which he had torn along the course -that ended in the Fleet. - -On the opposite side of the room an old man was seated on a -small wooden box, with his eyes riveted on the floor, and his face -settled into an expression of the deepest and most hopeless -despair. A young girl--his little grand-daughter--was hanging -about him, endeavouring, with a thousand childish devices, to -engage his attention; but the old man neither saw nor heard her. -The voice that had been music to him, and the eyes that had been -light, fell coldly on his senses. His limbs were shaking with -disease, and the palsy had fastened on his mind. - -There were two or three other men in the room, congregated in -a little knot, and noiselessly talking among themselves. There was -a lean and haggard woman, too--a prisoner's wife--who was -watering, with great solicitude, the wretched stump of a dried-up, -withered plant, which, it was plain to see, could never send forth -a green leaf again--too true an emblem, perhaps, of the office -she had come there to discharge. - -Such were the objects which presented themselves to Mr. -Pickwick's view, as he looked round him in amazement. The -noise of some one stumbling hastily into the room, roused him. -Turning his eyes towards the door, they encountered the new- -comer; and in him, through his rags and dirt, he recognised the -familiar features of Mr. Job Trotter. - -'Mr. Pickwick!' exclaimed Job aloud. - -'Eh?' said Jingle, starting from his seat. 'Mr --! So it is-- -queer place--strange things--serves me right--very.' Mr. Jingle -thrust his hands into the place where his trousers pockets used to -be, and, dropping his chin upon his breast, sank back into his chair. - -Mr. Pickwick was affected; the two men looked so very miserable. -The sharp, involuntary glance Jingle had cast at a small -piece of raw loin of mutton, which Job had brought in with him, -said more of their reduced state than two hours' explanation -could have done. Mr. Pickwick looked mildly at Jingle, and said-- - -'I should like to speak to you in private. Will you step out for -an instant?' - -'Certainly,' said Jingle, rising hastily. 'Can't step far--no -danger of overwalking yourself here--spike park--grounds -pretty--romantic, but not extensive--open for public inspection ---family always in town--housekeeper desperately careful--very.' - -'You have forgotten your coat,' said Mr. Pickwick, as they -walked out to the staircase, and closed the door after them. - -'Eh?' said Jingle. 'Spout--dear relation--uncle Tom-- -couldn't help it--must eat, you know. Wants of nature--and all that.' - -'What do you mean?' - -'Gone, my dear sir--last coat--can't help it. Lived on a pair of -boots--whole fortnight. Silk umbrella--ivory handle--week-- -fact--honour--ask Job--knows it.' - -'Lived for three weeks upon a pair of boots, and a silk umbrella -with an ivory handle!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had only -heard of such things in shipwrecks or read of them in Constable's -Miscellany. - -'True,' said Jingle, nodding his head. 'Pawnbroker's shop-- -duplicates here--small sums--mere nothing--all rascals.' - -'Oh,' said Mr. Pickwick, much relieved by this explanation; 'I -understand you. You have pawned your wardrobe.' - -'Everything--Job's too--all shirts gone--never mind--saves -washing. Nothing soon--lie in bed--starve--die--inquest--little -bone-house--poor prisoner--common necessaries--hush it up-- -gentlemen of the jury--warden's tradesmen--keep it snug-- -natural death--coroner's order--workhouse funeral--serve him -right--all over--drop the curtain.' - -Jingle delivered this singular summary of his prospects in life, -with his accustomed volubility, and with various twitches of the -countenance to counterfeit smiles. Mr. Pickwick easily perceived -that his recklessness was assumed, and looking him full, but not -unkindly, in the face, saw that his eyes were moist with tears. - -'Good fellow,' said Jingle, pressing his hand, and turning his -head away. 'Ungrateful dog--boyish to cry--can't help it--bad -fever--weak--ill--hungry. Deserved it all--but suffered much--very.' -Wholly unable to keep up appearances any longer, and -perhaps rendered worse by the effort he had made, the dejected -stroller sat down on the stairs, and, covering his face with his -hands, sobbed like a child. - -'Come, come,' said Mr. Pickwick, with considerable emotion, -'we will see what can be done, when I know all about the matter. -Here, Job; where is that fellow?' - -'Here, sir,' replied Job, presenting himself on the staircase. We -have described him, by the bye, as having deeply-sunken eyes, in -the best of times. In his present state of want and distress, he -looked as if those features had gone out of town altogether. - -'Here, sir,' cried Job. - -'Come here, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, trying to look stern, with -four large tears running down his waistcoat. 'Take that, sir.' - -Take what? In the ordinary acceptation of such language, it -should have been a blow. As the world runs, it ought to have -been a sound, hearty cuff; for Mr. Pickwick had been duped, -deceived, and wronged by the destitute outcast who was now -wholly in his power. Must we tell the truth? It was something -from Mr. Pickwick's waistcoat pocket, which chinked as it was -given into Job's hand, and the giving of which, somehow or other -imparted a sparkle to the eye, and a swelling to the heart, of our -excellent old friend, as he hurried away. - -Sam had returned when Mr. Pickwick reached his own room, -and was inspecting the arrangements that had been made for his -comfort, with a kind of grim satisfaction which was very pleasant -to look upon. Having a decided objection to his master's being -there at all, Mr. Weller appeared to consider it a high moral duty -not to appear too much pleased with anything that was done, -said, suggested, or proposed. - -'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Pretty comfortable now, eh, Sam?' - -'Pretty vell, sir,' responded Sam, looking round him in a -disparaging manner. - -'Have you seen Mr. Tupman and our other friends?' - -'Yes, I HAVE seen 'em, sir, and they're a-comin' to-morrow, and -wos wery much surprised to hear they warn't to come to-day,' -replied Sam. - -'You have brought the things I wanted?' - -Mr. Weller in reply pointed to various packages which he had -arranged, as neatly as he could, in a corner of the room. - -'Very well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, after a little hesitation; -'listen to what I am going to say, Sam.' - -'Cert'nly, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'fire away, Sir.' - -'I have felt from the first, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, with much -solemnity, 'that this is not the place to bring a young man to.' - -'Nor an old 'un neither, Sir,' observed Mr. Weller. - -'You're quite right, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but old men -may come here through their own heedlessness and unsuspicion, -and young men may be brought here by the selfishness of those -they serve. It is better for those young men, in every point of -view, that they should not remain here. Do you understand me, Sam?' - -'Vy no, Sir, I do NOT,' replied Mr. Weller doggedly. - -'Try, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Vell, sir,' rejoined Sam, after a short pause, 'I think I see your -drift; and if I do see your drift, it's my 'pinion that you're a- -comin' it a great deal too strong, as the mail-coachman said to -the snowstorm, ven it overtook him.' - -'I see you comprehend me, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Independently -of my wish that you should not be idling about a place -like this, for years to come, I feel that for a debtor in the Fleet to -be attended by his manservant is a monstrous absurdity. Sam,' -said Mr. Pickwick, 'for a time you must leave me.' - -'Oh, for a time, eh, sir?'rejoined Mr. Weller. rather sarcastically. - -'Yes, for the time that I remain here,' said Mr. Pickwick. -'Your wages I shall continue to pay. Any one of my three friends -will be happy to take you, were it only out of respect to me. And -if I ever do leave this place, Sam,' added Mr. Pickwick, with -assumed cheerfulness--'if I do, I pledge you my word that you -shall return to me instantly.' - -'Now I'll tell you wot it is, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, in a grave and -solemn voice. 'This here sort o' thing won't do at all, so don't -let's hear no more about it.' -'I am serious, and resolved, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You air, air you, sir?' inquired Mr. Weller firmly. 'Wery good, -Sir; then so am I.' - -Thus speaking, Mr. Weller fixed his hat on his head with great -precision, and abruptly left the room. - -'Sam!' cried Mr. Pickwick, calling after him, 'Sam! Here!' - -But the long gallery ceased to re-echo the sound of footsteps. -Sam Weller was gone. - - - -CHAPTER XLIII -SHOWING HOW Mr. SAMUEL WELLER GOT INTO DIFFICULTIES - - -In a lofty room, ill-lighted and worse ventilated, situated in -Portugal Street, Lincoln's Inn Fields, there sit nearly the -whole year round, one, two, three, or four gentlemen in wigs, -as the case may be, with little writing-desks before them, -constructed after the fashion of those used by the judges of the land, -barring the French polish. There is a box of barristers on their -right hand; there is an enclosure of insolvent debtors on their left; -and there is an inclined plane of most especially dirty faces in -their front. These gentlemen are the Commissioners of the -Insolvent Court, and the place in which they sit, is the Insolvent -Court itself. - -It is, and has been, time out of mind, the remarkable fate of -this court to be, somehow or other, held and understood, by the -general consent of all the destitute shabby-genteel people in -London, as their common resort, and place of daily refuge. It is -always full. The steams of beer and spirits perpetually ascend to -the ceiling, and, being condensed by the heat, roll down the walls -like rain; there are more old suits of clothes in it at one time, -than will be offered for sale in all Houndsditch in a twelvemonth; -more unwashed skins and grizzly beards than all the pumps and -shaving-shops between Tyburn and Whitechapel could render -decent, between sunrise and sunset. - -It must not be supposed that any of these people have the least -shadow of business in, or the remotest connection with, the place -they so indefatigably attend. If they had, it would be no matter of -surprise, and the singularity of the thing would cease. Some of -them sleep during the greater part of the sitting; others carry -small portable dinners wrapped in pocket-handkerchiefs or -sticking out of their worn-out pockets, and munch and listen -with equal relish; but no one among them was ever known to have -the slightest personal interest in any case that was ever brought -forward. Whatever they do, there they sit from the first moment -to the last. When it is heavy, rainy weather, they all come in, wet -through; and at such times the vapours of the court are like those -of a fungus-pit. - -A casual visitor might suppose this place to be a temple -dedicated to the Genius of Seediness. There is not a messenger or -process-server attached to it, who wears a coat that was made for -him; not a tolerably fresh, or wholesome-looking man in the -whole establishment, except a little white-headed apple-faced -tipstaff, and even he, like an ill-conditioned cherry preserved in -brandy, seems to have artificially dried and withered up into a -state of preservation to which he can lay no natural claim. The -very barristers' wigs are ill-powdered, and their curls lack crispness. - -But the attorneys, who sit at a large bare table below the -commissioners, are, after all, the greatest curiosities. The professional -establishment of the more opulent of these gentlemen, consists of -a blue bag and a boy; generally a youth of the Jewish persuasion. -They have no fixed offices, their legal business being transacted -in the parlours of public-houses, or the yards of prisons, whither -they repair in crowds, and canvass for customers after the manner -of omnibus cads. They are of a greasy and mildewed appearance; -and if they can be said to have any vices at all, perhaps drinking -and cheating are the most conspicuous among them. Their -residences are usually on the outskirts of 'the Rules,' chiefly -lying within a circle of one mile from the obelisk in St. George's -Fields. Their looks are not prepossessing, and their manners -are peculiar. - -Mr. Solomon Pell, one of this learned body, was a fat, flabby, -pale man, in a surtout which looked green one minute, and -brown the next, with a velvet collar of the same chameleon tints. -His forehead was narrow, his face wide, his head large, and his -nose all on one side, as if Nature, indignant with the propensities -she observed in him in his birth, had given it an angry tweak -which it had never recovered. Being short-necked and asthmatic, -however, he respired principally through this feature; so, perhaps, -what it wanted in ornament, it made up in usefulness. - -'I'm sure to bring him through it,' said Mr. Pell. - -'Are you, though?' replied the person to whom the assurance -was pledged. - -'Certain sure,' replied Pell; 'but if he'd gone to any irregular -practitioner, mind you, I wouldn't have answered for the consequences.' - -'Ah!' said the other, with open mouth. - -'No, that I wouldn't,' said Mr. Pell; and he pursed up his lips, -frowned, and shook his head mysteriously. - -Now, the place where this discourse occurred was the public- -house just opposite to the Insolvent Court; and the person with -whom it was held was no other than the elder Mr. Weller, who -had come there, to comfort and console a friend, whose petition -to be discharged under the act, was to be that day heard, and whose -attorney he was at that moment consulting. - -'And vere is George?' inquired the old gentleman. - -Mr. Pell jerked his head in the direction of a back parlour, -whither Mr. Weller at once repairing, was immediately greeted -in the warmest and most flattering manner by some half-dozen -of his professional brethren, in token of their gratification at his -arrival. The insolvent gentleman, who had contracted a speculative -but imprudent passion for horsing long stages, which had -led to his present embarrassments, looked extremely well, and -was soothing the excitement of his feelings with shrimps and porter. - -The salutation between Mr. Weller and his friends was strictly -confined to the freemasonry of the craft; consisting of a jerking -round of the right wrist, and a tossing of the little finger into the -air at the same time. We once knew two famous coachmen (they -are dead now, poor fellows) who were twins, and between whom -an unaffected and devoted attachment existed. They passed -each other on the Dover road, every day, for twenty-four years, -never exchanging any other greeting than this; and yet, when -one died, the other pined away, and soon afterwards followed him! - -'Vell, George,' said Mr. Weller senior, taking off his upper -coat, and seating himself with his accustomed gravity. 'How is it? -All right behind, and full inside?' - -'All right, old feller,' replied the embarrassed gentleman. - -'Is the gray mare made over to anybody?' inquired Mr. Weller -anxiously. George nodded in the affirmative. - -'Vell, that's all right,' said Mr. Weller. 'Coach taken care on, also?' - -'Con-signed in a safe quarter,' replied George, wringing the -heads off half a dozen shrimps, and swallowing them without any -more ado. - -'Wery good, wery good,' said Mr. Weller. 'Alvays see to the -drag ven you go downhill. Is the vay-bill all clear and straight -for'erd?' - -'The schedule, sir,' said Pell, guessing at Mr. Weller's meaning, -'the schedule is as plain and satisfactory as pen and ink can -make it.' - -Mr. Weller nodded in a manner which bespoke his inward -approval of these arrangements; and then, turning to Mr. Pell, -said, pointing to his friend George-- - -'Ven do you take his cloths off?' - -'Why,' replied Mr. Pell, 'he stands third on the opposed list, -and I should think it would be his turn in about half an hour. I -told my clerk to come over and tell us when there was a chance.' - -Mr. Weller surveyed the attorney from head to foot with great -admiration, and said emphatically-- - -'And what'll you take, sir?' - -'Why, really,' replied Mr. Pell, 'you're very-- Upon my -word and honour, I'm not in the habit of-- It's so very early -in the morning, that, actually, I am almost-- Well, you may -bring me threepenn'orth of rum, my dear.' - -The officiating damsel, who had anticipated the order before it -was given, set the glass of spirits before Pell, and retired. - -'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, looking round upon the company, -'success to your friend! I don't like to boast, gentlemen; it's not -my way; but I can't help saying, that, if your friend hadn't been -fortunate enough to fall into hands that-- But I won't say -what I was going to say. Gentlemen, my service to you.' Having -emptied the glass in a twinkling, Mr. Pell smacked his lips, and -looked complacently round on the assembled coachmen, who -evidently regarded him as a species of divinity. - -'Let me see,' said the legal authority. 'What was I a-saying, -gentlemen?' - -'I think you was remarkin' as you wouldn't have no objection -to another o' the same, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, with grave facetiousness. -'Ha, ha!' laughed Mr. Pell. 'Not bad, not bad. A professional -man, too! At this time of the morning, it would be rather too -good a-- Well, I don't know, my dear--you may do that -again, if you please. Hem!' - -This last sound was a solemn and dignified cough, in which -Mr. Pell, observing an indecent tendency to mirth in some of his -auditors, considered it due to himself to indulge. - -'The late Lord Chancellor, gentlemen, was very fond of me,' -said Mr. Pell. - -'And wery creditable in him, too,' interposed Mr. Weller. - -'Hear, hear,' assented Mr. Pell's client. 'Why shouldn't he be? - -'Ah! Why, indeed!' said a very red-faced man, who had said -nothing yet, and who looked extremely unlikely to say anything -more. 'Why shouldn't he?' - -A murmur of assent ran through the company. - -'I remember, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, 'dining with him on one -occasion; there was only us two, but everything as splendid as if -twenty people had been expected--the great seal on a dumb- -waiter at his right hand, and a man in a bag-wig and suit of -armour guarding the mace with a drawn sword and silk stockings ---which is perpetually done, gentlemen, night and day; when he -said, "Pell," he said, "no false delicacy, Pell. You're a man of -talent; you can get anybody through the Insolvent Court, Pell; -and your country should be proud of you." Those were his very -words. "My Lord," I said, "you flatter me."--"Pell," he said, -"if I do, I'm damned."' - -'Did he say that?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'He did,' replied Pell. - -'Vell, then,' said Mr. Weller, 'I say Parliament ought to ha' -took it up; and if he'd been a poor man, they would ha' done it.' - -'But, my dear friend,' argued Mr. Pell, 'it was in confidence.' - -'In what?' said Mr. Weller. - -'In confidence.' - -'Oh! wery good,' replied Mr. Weller, after a little reflection. -'If he damned hisself in confidence, o' course that was another thing.' - -'Of course it was,' said Mr. Pell. 'The distinction's obvious, you -will perceive.' - -'Alters the case entirely,' said Mr. Weller. 'Go on, Sir.' -'No, I will not go on, Sir,' said Mr. Pell, in a low and serious -tone. 'You have reminded me, Sir, that this conversation was -private--private and confidential, gentlemen. Gentlemen, I am a -professional man. It may be that I am a good deal looked up to, -in my profession--it may be that I am not. Most people know. I -say nothing. Observations have already been made, in this room, -injurious to the reputation of my noble friend. You will excuse -me, gentlemen; I was imprudent. I feel that I have no right to -mention this matter without his concurrence. Thank you, Sir; -thank you.' Thus delivering himself, Mr. Pell thrust his hands -into his pockets, and, frowning grimly around, rattled three halfpence -with terrible determination. - -This virtuous resolution had scarcely been formed, when the -boy and the blue bag, who were inseparable companions, rushed -violently into the room, and said (at least the boy did, for the -blue bag took no part in the announcement) that the case was -coming on directly. The intelligence was no sooner received than -the whole party hurried across the street, and began to fight their -way into court--a preparatory ceremony, which has been -calculated to occupy, in ordinary cases, from twenty-five minutes -to thirty. - -Mr. Weller, being stout, cast himself at once into the crowd, -with the desperate hope of ultimately turning up in some place -which would suit him. His success was not quite equal to his -expectations; for having neglected to take his hat off, it was -knocked over his eyes by some unseen person, upon whose toes -he had alighted with considerable force. Apparently this -individual regretted his impetuosity immediately afterwards, for, -muttering an indistinct exclamation of surprise, he dragged the -old man out into the hall, and, after a violent struggle, released -his head and face. - -'Samivel!' exclaimed Mr. Weller, when he was thus enabled to -behold his rescuer. - -Sam nodded. - -'You're a dutiful and affectionate little boy, you are, ain't -you,' said Mr. Weller, 'to come a-bonnetin' your father in his -old age?' - -'How should I know who you wos?' responded the son. 'Do -you s'pose I wos to tell you by the weight o' your foot?' - -'Vell, that's wery true, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, mollified -at once; 'but wot are you a-doin' on here? Your gov'nor can't -do no good here, Sammy. They won't pass that werdick, they -won't pass it, Sammy.' And Mr. Weller shook his head with -legal solemnity. - -'Wot a perwerse old file it is!' exclaimed Sam. 'always a-goin' -on about werdicks and alleybis and that. Who said anything -about the werdick?' - -Mr. Weller made no reply, but once more shook his head most learnedly. - -'Leave off rattlin' that 'ere nob o' yourn, if you don't want it -to come off the springs altogether,' said Sam impatiently, 'and -behave reasonable. I vent all the vay down to the Markis o' -Granby, arter you, last night.' - -'Did you see the Marchioness o' Granby, Sammy?' inquired -Mr. Weller, with a sigh. - -'Yes, I did,' replied Sam. - -'How wos the dear creetur a-lookin'?' - -'Wery queer,' said Sam. 'I think she's a-injurin' herself -gradivally vith too much o' that 'ere pine-apple rum, and other -strong medicines of the same natur.' - -'You don't mean that, Sammy?' said the senior earnestly. - -'I do, indeed,' replied the junior. Mr. Weller seized his son's -hand, clasped it, and let it fall. There was an expression on his -countenance in doing so--not of dismay or apprehension, but -partaking more of the sweet and gentle character of hope. A -gleam of resignation, and even of cheerfulness, passed over his -face too, as he slowly said, 'I ain't quite certain, Sammy; I -wouldn't like to say I wos altogether positive, in case of any -subsekent disappointment, but I rayther think, my boy, I rayther -think, that the shepherd's got the liver complaint!' - -'Does he look bad?' inquired Sam. - -'He's uncommon pale,' replied his father, ''cept about the -nose, which is redder than ever. His appetite is wery so-so, but he -imbibes wonderful.' - -Some thoughts of the rum appeared to obtrude themselves on -Mr. Weller's mind, as he said this; for he looked gloomy and -thoughtful; but he very shortly recovered, as was testified by a -perfect alphabet of winks, in which he was only wont to indulge -when particularly pleased. - -'Vell, now,' said Sam, 'about my affair. Just open them ears o' -yourn, and don't say nothin' till I've done.' With this preface, -Sam related, as succinctly as he could, the last memorable -conversation he had had with Mr. Pickwick. - -'Stop there by himself, poor creetur!' exclaimed the elder -Mr. Weller, 'without nobody to take his part! It can't be done, -Samivel, it can't be done.' - -'O' course it can't,' asserted Sam: 'I know'd that, afore I came.' -'Why, they'll eat him up alive, Sammy,'exclaimed Mr. Weller. - -Sam nodded his concurrence in the opinion. - -'He goes in rayther raw, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller metaphorically, -'and he'll come out, done so ex-ceedin' brown, that his most -formiliar friends won't know him. Roast pigeon's nothin' to it, Sammy.' - -Again Sam Weller nodded. - -'It oughtn't to be, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller gravely. - -'It mustn't be,' said Sam. - -'Cert'nly not,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Vell now,' said Sam, 'you've been a-prophecyin' away, wery -fine, like a red-faced Nixon, as the sixpenny books gives picters on.' - -'Who wos he, Sammy?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Never mind who he was,' retorted Sam; 'he warn't a coachman; -that's enough for you.' -'I know'd a ostler o' that name,' said Mr. Weller, musing. - -'It warn't him,' said Sam. 'This here gen'l'm'n was a prophet.' - -'Wot's a prophet?' inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly on his son. - -'Wy, a man as tells what's a-goin' to happen,' replied Sam. - -'I wish I'd know'd him, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'P'raps he -might ha' throw'd a small light on that 'ere liver complaint as we -wos a-speakin' on, just now. Hows'ever, if he's dead, and ain't -left the bisness to nobody, there's an end on it. Go on, Sammy,' -said Mr. Weller, with a sigh. - -'Well,' said Sam, 'you've been a-prophecyin' avay about wot'll -happen to the gov'ner if he's left alone. Don't you see any way o' -takin' care on him?' - -'No, I don't, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, with a reflective visage. - -'No vay at all?' inquired Sam. - -'No vay,' said Mr. Weller, 'unless'--and a gleam of intelligence -lighted up his countenance as he sank his voice to a whisper, and -applied his mouth to the ear of his offspring--'unless it is getting -him out in a turn-up bedstead, unbeknown to the turnkeys, -Sammy, or dressin' him up like a old 'ooman vith a green -wail.' - -Sam Weller received both of these suggestions with unexpected -contempt, and again propounded his question. - -'No,' said the old gentleman; 'if he von't let you stop there, I -see no vay at all. It's no thoroughfare, Sammy, no thoroughfare.' - -'Well, then, I'll tell you wot it is,' said Sam, 'I'll trouble you -for the loan of five-and-twenty pound.' - -'Wot good'll that do?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Never mind,' replied Sam. 'P'raps you may ask for it five -minits arterwards; p'raps I may say I von't pay, and cut up -rough. You von't think o' arrestin' your own son for the money, -and sendin' him off to the Fleet, will you, you unnat'ral wagabone?' - -At this reply of Sam's, the father and son exchanged a -complete code of telegraph nods and gestures, after which, the elder -Mr. Weller sat himself down on a stone step and laughed till he -was purple. - -'Wot a old image it is!' exclaimed Sam, indignant at this loss -of time. 'What are you a-settin' down there for, con-wertin' your -face into a street-door knocker, wen there's so much to be done. -Where's the money?' -'In the boot, Sammy, in the boot,' replied Mr. Weller, -composing his features. 'Hold my hat, Sammy.' - -Having divested himself of this encumbrance, Mr. Weller gave -his body a sudden wrench to one side, and by a dexterous twist, -contrived to get his right hand into a most capacious pocket, -from whence, after a great deal of panting and exertion, he -extricated a pocket-book of the large octavo size, fastened by a -huge leathern strap. From this ledger he drew forth a couple of -whiplashes, three or four buckles, a little sample-bag of corn, -and, finally, a small roll of very dirty bank-notes, from which he -selected the required amount, which he handed over to Sam. - -'And now, Sammy,' said the old gentleman, when the whip- -lashes, and the buckles, and the samples, had been all put back, -and the book once more deposited at the bottom of the same -pocket, 'now, Sammy, I know a gen'l'm'n here, as'll do the rest -o' the bisness for us, in no time--a limb o' the law, Sammy, as -has got brains like the frogs, dispersed all over his body, and -reachin' to the wery tips of his fingers; a friend of the Lord -Chancellorship's, Sammy, who'd only have to tell him what he -wanted, and he'd lock you up for life, if that wos all.' - -'I say,' said Sam, 'none o' that.' - -'None o' wot?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Wy, none o' them unconstitootional ways o' doin' it,' retorted -Sam. 'The have-his-carcass, next to the perpetual motion, is vun -of the blessedest things as wos ever made. I've read that 'ere in -the newspapers wery of'en.' - -'Well, wot's that got to do vith it?' inquired Mr. Weller. - -'Just this here,' said Sam, 'that I'll patronise the inwention, -and go in, that vay. No visperin's to the Chancellorship--I don't -like the notion. It mayn't be altogether safe, vith reference to -gettin' out agin.' - -Deferring to his son's feeling upon this point, Mr. Weller at -once sought the erudite Solomon Pell, and acquainted him with -his desire to issue a writ, instantly, for the SUM of twenty-five -pounds, and costs of process; to be executed without delay upon -the body of one Samuel Weller; the charges thereby incurred, to -be paid in advance to Solomon Pell. - -The attorney was in high glee, for the embarrassed coach- -horser was ordered to be discharged forthwith. He highly -approved of Sam's attachment to his master; declared that it -strongly reminded him of his own feelings of devotion to his -friend, the Chancellor; and at once led the elder Mr. Weller -down to the Temple, to swear the affidavit of debt, which the -boy, with the assistance of the blue bag, had drawn up on the spot. - -Meanwhile, Sam, having been formally introduced to the -whitewashed gentleman and his friends, as the offspring of Mr. -Weller, of the Belle Savage, was treated with marked distinction, -and invited to regale himself with them in honour of the occasion ---an invitation which he was by no means backward in accepting. - -The mirth of gentlemen of this class is of a grave and quiet -character, usually; but the present instance was one of peculiar -festivity, and they relaxed in proportion. After some rather -tumultuous toasting of the Chief Commissioner and Mr. Solomon -Pell, who had that day displayed such transcendent abilities, a -mottled-faced gentleman in a blue shawl proposed that somebody -should sing a song. The obvious suggestion was, that the mottled- -faced gentleman, being anxious for a song, should sing it himself; -but this the mottled-faced gentleman sturdily, and somewhat -offensively, declined to do. Upon which, as is not unusual in such -cases, a rather angry colloquy ensued. - -'Gentlemen,' said the coach-horser, 'rather than disturb the -harmony of this delightful occasion, perhaps Mr. Samuel Weller -will oblige the company.' - -'Raly, gentlemen,' said Sam, 'I'm not wery much in the habit -o' singin' without the instrument; but anythin' for a quiet life, as -the man said wen he took the sitivation at the lighthouse.' - -With this prelude, Mr. Samuel Weller burst at once into the -following wild and beautiful legend, which, under the impression -that it is not generally known, we take the liberty of quoting. We -would beg to call particular attention to the monosyllable at the -end of the second and fourth lines, which not only enables the -singer to take breath at those points, but greatly assists the metre. - - - ROMANCE - - I - -Bold Turpin vunce, on Hounslow Heath, -His bold mare Bess bestrode-er; -Ven there he see'd the Bishop's coach -A-coming along the road-er. -So he gallops close to the 'orse's legs, -And he claps his head vithin; -And the Bishop says, 'Sure as eggs is eggs, -This here's the bold Turpin!' - - CHORUS - -And the Bishop says, 'Sure as eggs is eggs, -This here's the bold Turpin!' - - II - -Says Turpin, 'You shall eat your words, -With a sarse of leaden bul-let;' -So he puts a pistol to his mouth, -And he fires it down his gul-let. -The coachman he not likin' the job, -Set off at full gal-lop, -But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob, -And perwailed on him to stop. - - CHORUS (sarcastically) - -But Dick put a couple of balls in his nob, -And perwailed on him to stop. - - -'I maintain that that 'ere song's personal to the cloth,' said the -mottled-faced gentleman, interrupting it at this point. 'I demand -the name o' that coachman.' - -'Nobody know'd,' replied Sam. 'He hadn't got his card in his pocket.' - -'I object to the introduction o' politics,' said the mottled- -faced gentleman. 'I submit that, in the present company, that -'ere song's political; and, wot's much the same, that it ain't true. -I say that that coachman did not run away; but that he died -game--game as pheasants; and I won't hear nothin' said to -the contrairey.' - -As the mottled-faced gentleman spoke with great energy and -determination, and as the opinions of the company seemed -divided on the subject, it threatened to give rise to fresh altercation, -when Mr. Weller and Mr. Pell most opportunely arrived. - -'All right, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. - -'The officer will be here at four o'clock,' said Mr. Pell. 'I -suppose you won't run away meanwhile, eh? Ha! ha!' - -'P'raps my cruel pa 'ull relent afore then,' replied Sam, with a -broad grin. - -'Not I,' said the elder Mr. Weller. - -'Do,' said Sam. - -'Not on no account,' replied the inexorable creditor. - -'I'll give bills for the amount, at sixpence a month,' said Sam. - -'I won't take 'em,' said Mr. Weller. - -'Ha, ha, ha! very good, very good,' said Mr. Solomon -Pell, who was making out his little bill of costs; 'a very -amusing incident indeed! Benjamin, copy that.' And Mr. -Pell smiled again, as he called Mr. Weller's attention to the amount. - -'Thank you, thank you,' said the professional gentleman, -taking up another of the greasy notes as Mr. Weller took it from -the pocket-book. 'Three ten and one ten is five. Much obliged to -you, Mr. Weller. Your son is a most deserving young man, very -much so indeed, Sir. It's a very pleasant trait in a young man's -character, very much so,' added Mr. Pell, smiling smoothly -round, as he buttoned up the money. - -'Wot a game it is!' said the elder Mr. Weller, with a chuckle. -'A reg'lar prodigy son!' - -'Prodigal--prodigal son, Sir,' suggested Mr. Pell, mildly. - -'Never mind, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, with dignity. 'I know wot's -o'clock, Sir. Wen I don't, I'll ask you, Sir.' - -By the time the officer arrived, Sam had made himself so -extremely popular, that the congregated gentlemen determined to -see him to prison in a body. So off they set; the plaintiff and -defendant walking arm in arm, the officer in front, and eight stout -coachmen bringing up the rear. At Serjeant's Inn Coffee-house -the whole party halted to refresh, and, the legal arrangements -being completed, the procession moved on again. - -Some little commotion was occasioned in Fleet Street, by the -pleasantry of the eight gentlemen in the flank, who persevered in -walking four abreast; it was also found necessary to leave the -mottled-faced gentleman behind, to fight a ticket-porter, it being -arranged that his friends should call for him as they came back. -Nothing but these little incidents occurred on the way. When they -reached the gate of the Fleet, the cavalcade, taking the time from -the plaintiff, gave three tremendous cheers for the defendant, and, -after having shaken hands all round, left him. - -Sam, having been formally delivered into the warder's custody, -to the intense astonishment of Roker, and to the evident emotion -of even the phlegmatic Neddy, passed at once into the prison, -walked straight to his master's room, and knocked at the door. - -'Come in,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam appeared, pulled off his hat, and smiled. - -'Ah, Sam, my good lad!' said Mr. Pickwick, evidently delighted -to see his humble friend again; 'I had no intention of hurting your -feelings yesterday, my faithful fellow, by what I said. Put down -your hat, Sam, and let me explain my meaning, a little more at length.' - -'Won't presently do, sir?' inquired Sam. - -'Certainly,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but why not now?' - -'I'd rayther not now, sir,' rejoined Sam. - -'Why?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -''Cause--' said Sam, hesitating. - -'Because of what?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, alarmed at his -follower's manner. 'Speak out, Sam.' - -''Cause,' rejoined Sam--''cause I've got a little bisness as I -want to do.' - -'What business?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, surprised at Sam's -confused manner. - -'Nothin' partickler, Sir,' replied Sam. - -'Oh, if it's nothing particular,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a -smile, 'you can speak with me first.' - -'I think I'd better see arter it at once,' said Sam, still hesitating. - -Mr. Pickwick looked amazed, but said nothing. - -'The fact is--' said Sam, stopping short. - -'Well!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Speak out, Sam.' - -'Why, the fact is,' said Sam, with a desperate effort, 'perhaps -I'd better see arter my bed afore I do anythin' else.' - -'YOUR BED!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, in astonishment. - -'Yes, my bed, Sir,' replied Sam, 'I'm a prisoner. I was arrested -this here wery arternoon for debt.' - -'You arrested for debt!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, sinking into -a chair. - -'Yes, for debt, Sir,' replied Sam. 'And the man as puts me in, -'ull never let me out till you go yourself.' - -'Bless my heart and soul!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. 'What do -you mean?' - -'Wot I say, Sir,' rejoined Sam. 'If it's forty years to come, I shall -be a prisoner, and I'm very glad on it; and if it had been Newgate, -it would ha' been just the same. Now the murder's out, and, -damme, there's an end on it!' - -With these words, which he repeated with great emphasis and -violence, Sam Weller dashed his hat upon the ground, in a most -unusual state of excitement; and then, folding his arms, looked -firmly and fixedly in his master's face. - - -CHAPTER LXIV -TREATS OF DIVERS LITTLE MATTERS WHICH OCCURRED - IN THE FLEET, AND OF Mr. WINKLE'S MYSTERIOUS - BEHAVIOUR; AND SHOWS HOW THE POOR CHANCERY - PRISONER OBTAINED HIS RELEASE AT LAST - - -Mr. Pickwick felt a great deal too much touched by the warmth of -Sam's attachment, to be able to exhibit any manifestation of -anger or displeasure at the precipitate course he had adopted, in -voluntarily consigning himself to a debtor's prison for an -indefinite period. The only point on which he persevered in -demanding an explanation, was, the name of Sam's detaining -creditor; but this Mr. Weller as perseveringly withheld. - -'It ain't o' no use, sir,' said Sam, again and again; 'he's a -malicious, bad-disposed, vorldly-minded, spiteful, windictive creetur, -with a hard heart as there ain't no soft'nin', as the wirtuous clergyman -remarked of the old gen'l'm'n with the dropsy, ven he said, that -upon the whole he thought he'd rayther leave his property to his -vife than build a chapel vith it.' - -'But consider, Sam,' Mr. Pickwick remonstrated, 'the sum is so -small that it can very easily be paid; and having made up My -mind that you shall stop with me, you should recollect how much -more useful you would be, if you could go outside the walls.' -'Wery much obliged to you, sir,' replied Mr. Weller gravely; -'but I'd rayther not.' - -'Rather not do what, Sam?' - -'Wy, I'd rayther not let myself down to ask a favour o' this -here unremorseful enemy.' - -'But it is no favour asking him to take his money, Sam,' -reasoned Mr. Pickwick. - -'Beg your pardon, sir,' rejoined Sam, 'but it 'ud be a wery -great favour to pay it, and he don't deserve none; that's where -it is, sir.' - -Here Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his nose with an air of some -vexation, Mr. Weller thought it prudent to change the theme of -the discourse. - -'I takes my determination on principle, Sir,' remarked Sam, -'and you takes yours on the same ground; wich puts me in mind -o' the man as killed his-self on principle, wich o' course you've -heerd on, Sir.' Mr. Weller paused when he arrived at this point, -and cast a comical look at his master out of the corners of his eyes. - -'There is no "of course" in the case, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, -gradually breaking into a smile, in spite of the uneasiness which -Sam's obstinacy had given him. 'The fame of the gentleman in -question, never reached my ears.' - -'No, sir!' exclaimed Mr. Weller. 'You astonish me, Sir; he wos -a clerk in a gov'ment office, sir.' - -'Was he?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, he wos, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'and a wery pleasant -gen'l'm'n too--one o' the precise and tidy sort, as puts their feet -in little India-rubber fire-buckets wen it's wet weather, and never -has no other bosom friends but hare-skins; he saved up his -money on principle, wore a clean shirt ev'ry day on principle; -never spoke to none of his relations on principle, 'fear they -shou'd want to borrow money of him; and wos altogether, in -fact, an uncommon agreeable character. He had his hair cut on -principle vunce a fortnight, and contracted for his clothes on the -economic principle--three suits a year, and send back the old -uns. Being a wery reg'lar gen'l'm'n, he din'd ev'ry day at the -same place, where it was one-and-nine to cut off the joint, and a -wery good one-and-nine's worth he used to cut, as the landlord -often said, with the tears a-tricklin' down his face, let alone the -way he used to poke the fire in the vinter time, which wos a dead -loss o' four-pence ha'penny a day, to say nothin' at all o' the -aggrawation o' seein' him do it. So uncommon grand with it -too! "POST arter the next gen'l'm'n," he sings out ev'ry day ven -he comes in. "See arter the TIMES, Thomas; let me look at the -MORNIN' HERALD, when it's out o' hand; don't forget to bespeak -the CHRONICLE; and just bring the 'TIZER, vill you:" and then he'd -set vith his eyes fixed on the clock, and rush out, just a quarter -of a minit 'fore the time to waylay the boy as wos a-comin' in -with the evenin' paper, which he'd read with sich intense interest -and persewerance as worked the other customers up to the wery -confines o' desperation and insanity, 'specially one i-rascible old -gen'l'm'n as the vaiter wos always obliged to keep a sharp eye -on, at sich times, fear he should be tempted to commit some rash -act with the carving-knife. Vell, Sir, here he'd stop, occupyin' the -best place for three hours, and never takin' nothin' arter his -dinner, but sleep, and then he'd go away to a coffee-house a few -streets off, and have a small pot o' coffee and four crumpets, -arter wich he'd walk home to Kensington and go to bed. One -night he wos took very ill; sends for a doctor; doctor comes in a -green fly, with a kind o' Robinson Crusoe set o' steps, as he -could let down wen he got out, and pull up arter him wen he -got in, to perwent the necessity o' the coachman's gettin' down, -and thereby undeceivin' the public by lettin' 'em see that it wos -only a livery coat as he'd got on, and not the trousers to match. -"Wot's the matter?" says the doctor. "Wery ill," says the patient. -"Wot have you been a-eatin' on?" says the doctor. "Roast -weal," says the patient. "Wot's the last thing you dewoured?" -says the doctor. "Crumpets," says the patient. "That's it!" says -the doctor. "I'll send you a box of pills directly, and don't you -never take no more of 'em," he says. "No more o' wot?" says -the patient--"pills?" "No; crumpets," says the doctor. "Wy?" -says the patient, starting up in bed; "I've eat four crumpets, -ev'ry night for fifteen year, on principle." "Well, then, you'd -better leave 'em off, on principle," says the doctor. "Crumpets is -NOT wholesome, Sir," says the doctor, wery fierce. "But they're -so cheap," says the patient, comin' down a little, "and so wery -fillin' at the price." "They'd be dear to you, at any price; dear if -you wos paid to eat 'em," says the doctor. "Four crumpets a -night," he says, "vill do your business in six months!" The patient -looks him full in the face, and turns it over in his mind for a long -time, and at last he says, "Are you sure o' that 'ere, Sir?" "I'll -stake my professional reputation on it," says the doctor. "How -many crumpets, at a sittin', do you think 'ud kill me off at once?" -says the patient. "I don't know," says the doctor. "Do you think -half-a-crown's wurth 'ud do it?" says the patient. "I think it -might," says the doctor. "Three shillins' wurth 'ud be sure to do -it, I s'pose?" says the patient. "Certainly," says the doctor. -"Wery good," says the patient; "good-night." Next mornin' he -gets up, has a fire lit, orders in three shillins' wurth o' crumpets, -toasts 'em all, eats 'em all, and blows his brains out.' - -'What did he do that for?' inquired Mr. Pickwick abruptly; for -he was considerably startled by this tragical termination of -the narrative. - -'Wot did he do it for, Sir?' reiterated Sam. 'Wy, in support of -his great principle that crumpets wos wholesome, and to show -that he wouldn't be put out of his way for nobody!' -With such like shiftings and changings of the discourse, did -Mr. Weller meet his master's questioning on the night of his -taking up his residence in the Fleet. Finding all gentle remonstrance -useless, Mr. Pickwick at length yielded a reluctant consent -to his taking lodgings by the week, of a bald-headed cobbler, who -rented a small slip room in one of the upper galleries. To this -humble apartment Mr. Weller moved a mattress and bedding, -which he hired of Mr. Roker; and, by the time he lay down upon -it at night, was as much at home as if he had been bred in the -prison, and his whole family had vegetated therein for three generations. - -'Do you always smoke arter you goes to bed, old cock?' -inquired Mr. Weller of his landlord, when they had both retired -for the night. - -'Yes, I does, young bantam,' replied the cobbler. - -'Will you allow me to in-quire wy you make up your bed -under that 'ere deal table?' said Sam. - -''Cause I was always used to a four-poster afore I came here, -and I find the legs of the table answer just as well,' replied -the cobbler. - -'You're a character, sir,' said Sam. - -'I haven't got anything of the kind belonging to me,' rejoined -the cobbler, shaking his head; 'and if you want to meet with a -good one, I'm afraid you'll find some difficulty in suiting yourself -at this register office.' - -The above short dialogue took place as Mr. Weller lay -extended on his mattress at one end of the room, and the cobbler -on his, at the other; the apartment being illumined by the light -of a rush-candle, and the cobbler's pipe, which was glowing -below the table, like a red-hot coal. The conversation, brief as it -was, predisposed Mr. Weller strongly in his landlord's favour; -and, raising himself on his elbow, he took a more lengthened -survey of his appearance than he had yet had either time or -inclination to make. - -He was a sallow man--all cobblers are; and had a strong -bristly beard--all cobblers have. His face was a queer, good- -tempered, crooked-featured piece of workmanship, ornamented -with a couple of eyes that must have worn a very joyous -expression at one time, for they sparkled yet. The man was sixty, -by years, and Heaven knows how old by imprisonment, so that -his having any look approaching to mirth or contentment, was -singular enough. He was a little man, and, being half doubled up -as he lay in bed, looked about as long as he ought to have been -without his legs. He had a great red pipe in his mouth, and was -smoking, and staring at the rush-light, in a state of enviable -placidity. - -'Have you been here long?' inquired Sam, breaking the silence -which had lasted for some time. - -'Twelve year,' replied the cobbler, biting the end of his pipe as -he spoke. - -'Contempt?' inquired Sam. - The cobbler nodded. - -'Well, then,' said Sam, with some sternness, 'wot do you -persevere in bein' obstinit for, vastin' your precious life away, in -this here magnified pound? Wy don't you give in, and tell the -Chancellorship that you're wery sorry for makin' his court -contemptible, and you won't do so no more?' - -The cobbler put his pipe in the corner of his mouth, while he smiled, -and then brought it back to its old place again; but said nothing. - -'Wy don't you?' said Sam, urging his question strenuously. - -'Ah,' said the cobbler, 'you don't quite understand these -matters. What do you suppose ruined me, now?' - -'Wy,' said Sam, trimming the rush-light, 'I s'pose the beginnin' -wos, that you got into debt, eh?' - -'Never owed a farden,' said the cobbler; 'try again.' - -'Well, perhaps,' said Sam, 'you bought houses, wich is delicate -English for goin' mad; or took to buildin', wich is a medical -term for bein' incurable.' - -The cobbler shook his head and said, 'Try again.' - 'You didn't go to law, I hope?' said Sam suspiciously. - 'Never in my life,' replied the cobbler. 'The fact is, I was ruined -by having money left me.' - -'Come, come,' said Sam, 'that von't do. I wish some rich -enemy 'ud try to vork my destruction in that 'ere vay. I'd let him.' - 'Oh, I dare say you don't believe it,' said the cobbler, quietly -smoking his pipe. 'I wouldn't if I was you; but it's true for -all that.' - -'How wos it?' inquired Sam, half induced to believe the fact -already, by the look the cobbler gave him. - -'Just this,' replied the cobbler; 'an old gentleman that I -worked for, down in the country, and a humble relation of whose -I married--she's dead, God bless her, and thank Him for it!-- -was seized with a fit and went off.' - -'Where?' inquired Sam, who was growing sleepy after the -numerous events of the day. - -'How should I know where he went?' said the cobbler, speaking -through his nose in an intense enjoyment of his pipe. 'He went -off dead.' - -'Oh, that indeed,' said Sam. 'Well?' - -'Well,' said the cobbler, 'he left five thousand pound behind him.' - -'And wery gen-teel in him so to do,' said Sam. - -'One of which,' continued the cobbler, 'he left to me, 'cause I -married his relation, you see.' - -'Wery good,' murmured Sam. - -'And being surrounded by a great number of nieces and -nevys, as was always quarrelling and fighting among themselves -for the property, he makes me his executor, and leaves the rest to -me in trust, to divide it among 'em as the will prowided.' - -'Wot do you mean by leavin' it on trust?' inquired Sam, waking -up a little. 'If it ain't ready-money, were's the use on it?' - 'It's a law term, that's all,' said the cobbler. - -'I don't think that,' said Sam, shaking his head. 'There's wery -little trust at that shop. Hows'ever, go on.' -'Well,' said the cobbler, 'when I was going to take out a -probate of the will, the nieces and nevys, who was desperately -disappointed at not getting all the money, enters a caveat -against it.' - 'What's that?' inquired Sam. - -'A legal instrument, which is as much as to say, it's no go,' -replied the cobbler. - -'I see,' said Sam, 'a sort of brother-in-law o' the have-his- -carcass. Well.' - -'But,' continued the cobbler, 'finding that they couldn't agree -among themselves, and consequently couldn't get up a case -against the will, they withdrew the caveat, and I paid all the -legacies. I'd hardly done it, when one nevy brings an action to set -the will aside. The case comes on, some months afterwards, afore -a deaf old gentleman, in a back room somewhere down by Paul's -Churchyard; and arter four counsels had taken a day a-piece to -bother him regularly, he takes a week or two to consider, and -read the evidence in six volumes, and then gives his judgment -that how the testator was not quite right in his head, and I must -pay all the money back again, and all the costs. I appealed; the -case come on before three or four very sleepy gentlemen, who had -heard it all before in the other court, where they're lawyers -without work; the only difference being, that, there, they're -called doctors, and in the other place delegates, if you understand -that; and they very dutifully confirmed the decision of the old -gentleman below. After that, we went into Chancery, where we -are still, and where I shall always be. My lawyers have had all my -thousand pound long ago; and what between the estate, as they -call it, and the costs, I'm here for ten thousand, and shall stop -here, till I die, mending shoes. Some gentlemen have talked of -bringing it before Parliament, and I dare say would have done it, -only they hadn't time to come to me, and I hadn't power to go -to them, and they got tired of my long letters, and dropped the -business. And this is God's truth, without one word of suppression -or exaggeration, as fifty people, both in this place and out -of it, very well know.' - -The cobbler paused to ascertain what effect his story had -produced on Sam; but finding that he had dropped asleep, knocked -the ashes out of his pipe, sighed, put it down, drew the bed- -clothes over his head, and went to sleep, too. - -Mr. Pickwick was sitting at breakfast, alone, next morning -(Sam being busily engaged in the cobbler's room, polishing his -master's shoes and brushing the black gaiters) when there came a -knock at the door, which, before Mr. Pickwick could cry 'Come -in!' was followed by the appearance of a head of hair -and a cotton-velvet cap, both of which articles of dress he -had no difficulty in recognising as the personal property of -Mr. Smangle. - -'How are you?' said that worthy, accompanying the inquiry -with a score or two of nods; 'I say--do you expect anybody this -morning? Three men--devilish gentlemanly fellows--have been -asking after you downstairs, and knocking at every door on the -hall flight; for which they've been most infernally blown up by -the collegians that had the trouble of opening 'em.' - -'Dear me! How very foolish of them,' said Mr. Pickwick, -rising. 'Yes; I have no doubt they are some friends whom I -rather expected to see, yesterday.' - -'Friends of yours!' exclaimed Smangle, seizing Mr. Pickwick -by the hand. 'Say no more. Curse me, they're friends of mine -from this minute, and friends of Mivins's, too. Infernal pleasant, -gentlemanly dog, Mivins, isn't he?' said Smangle, with great feeling. - -'I know so little of the gentleman,' said Mr. Pickwick, -hesitating, 'that I--' - -'I know you do,' interrupted Smangle, clasping Mr. Pickwick -by the shoulder. 'You shall know him better. You'll be delighted -with him. That man, Sir,' said Smangle, with a solemn countenance, -'has comic powers that would do honour to Drury Lane Theatre.' - -'Has he indeed?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Ah, by Jove he has!' replied Smangle. 'Hear him come the -four cats in the wheel-barrow--four distinct cats, sir, I pledge you -my honour. Now you know that's infernal clever! Damme, you -can't help liking a man, when you see these traits about him. -He's only one fault--that little failing I mentioned to you, you know.' - -As Mr. Smangle shook his head in a confidential and sympathising -manner at this juncture, Mr. Pickwick felt that he was -expected to say something, so he said, 'Ah!' and looked restlessly -at the door. - -'Ah!' echoed Mr. Smangle, with a long-drawn sigh. 'He's -delightful company, that man is, sir. I don't know better company -anywhere; but he has that one drawback. If the ghost of his -grandfather, Sir, was to rise before him this minute, he'd ask him -for the loan of his acceptance on an eightpenny stamp.' - 'Dear me!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' added Mr. Smangle; 'and if he'd the power of raising -him again, he would, in two months and three days from this -time, to renew the bill!' - -'Those are very remarkable traits,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but -I'm afraid that while we are talking here, my friends may be in a -state of great perplexity at not finding me.' - -'I'll show 'em the way,' said Smangle, making for the door. -'Good-day. I won't disturb you while they're here, you know. By -the bye--' - -As Smangle pronounced the last three words, he stopped -suddenly, reclosed the door which he had opened, and, walking -softly back to Mr. Pickwick, stepped close up to him on tiptoe, -and said, in a very soft whisper-- - -'You couldn't make it convenient to lend me half-a-crown till -the latter end of next week, could you?' - -Mr. Pickwick could scarcely forbear smiling, but managing to -preserve his gravity, he drew forth the coin, and placed it in -Mr. Smangle's palm; upon which, that gentleman, with many -nods and winks, implying profound mystery, disappeared in -quest of the three strangers, with whom he presently returned; -and having coughed thrice, and nodded as many times, as an -assurance to Mr. Pickwick that he would not forget to pay, he -shook hands all round, in an engaging manner, and at length -took himself off. - -'My dear friends,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking hands alternately -with Mr. Tupman, Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Snodgrass, -who were the three visitors in question, 'I am delighted to see you.' - -The triumvirate were much affected. Mr. Tupman shook his -head deploringly, Mr. Snodgrass drew forth his handkerchief, -with undisguised emotion; and Mr. Winkle retired to the -window, and sniffed aloud. - -'Mornin', gen'l'm'n,' said Sam, entering at the moment with -the shoes and gaiters. 'Avay vith melincholly, as the little boy -said ven his schoolmissus died. Velcome to the college, gen'l'm'n.' - 'This foolish fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, tapping Sam on the -head as he knelt down to button up his master's gaiters--'this -foolish fellow has got himself arrested, in order to be near me.' - 'What!' exclaimed the three friends. - -'Yes, gen'l'm'n,' said Sam, 'I'm a--stand steady, sir, if you -please--I'm a prisoner, gen'l'm'n. Con-fined, as the lady said.' - 'A prisoner!' exclaimed Mr. Winkle, with unaccountable vehemence. - -'Hollo, sir!' responded Sam, looking up. 'Wot's the matter, Sir?' - -'I had hoped, Sam, that-- Nothing, nothing,' said Mr. -Winkle precipitately. - -There was something so very abrupt and unsettled in Mr. -Winkle's manner, that Mr. Pickwick involuntarily looked at his -two friends for an explanation. - -'We don't know,' said Mr. Tupman, answering this mute -appeal aloud. 'He has been much excited for two days past, -and his whole demeanour very unlike what it usually is. We -feared there must be something the matter, but he resolutely -denies it.' - -'No, no,' said Mr. Winkle, colouring beneath Mr. Pickwick's -gaze; 'there is really nothing. I assure you there is nothing, my -dear sir. It will be necessary for me to leave town, for a short -time, on private business, and I had hoped to have prevailed -upon you to allow Sam to accompany me.' - -Mr. Pickwick looked more astonished than before. - -'I think,' faltered Mr. Winkle, 'that Sam would have had no -objection to do so; but, of course, his being a prisoner here, -renders it impossible. So I must go alone.' - -As Mr. Winkle said these words, Mr. Pickwick felt, with some -astonishment, that Sam's fingers were trembling at the gaiters, as -if he were rather surprised or startled. Sam looked up at Mr. -Winkle, too, when he had finished speaking; and though the -glance they exchanged was instantaneous, they seemed to understand -each other. - -'Do you know anything of this, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick sharply. - -'No, I don't, sir,' replied Mr. Weller, beginning to button with -extraordinary assiduity. - -'Are you sure, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wy, sir,' responded Mr. Weller; 'I'm sure so far, that I've -never heerd anythin' on the subject afore this moment. If I makes -any guess about it,' added Sam, looking at Mr. Winkle, 'I -haven't got any right to say what 'It is, fear it should be a -wrong 'un.' - -'I have no right to make any further inquiry into the private -affairs of a friend, however intimate a friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, -after a short silence; 'at present let me merely say, that I do not -understand this at all. There. We have had quite enough of the -subject.' - -Thus expressing himself, Mr. Pickwick led the conversation to -different topics, and Mr. Winkle gradually appeared more at -ease, though still very far from being completely so. They had all -so much to converse about, that the morning very quickly passed -away; and when, at three o'clock, Mr. Weller produced upon the -little dining-table, a roast leg of mutton and an enormous meat- -pie, with sundry dishes of vegetables, and pots of porter, which -stood upon the chairs or the sofa bedstead, or where they could, -everybody felt disposed to do justice to the meal, notwithstanding -that the meat had been purchased, and dressed, and the pie -made, and baked, at the prison cookery hard by. - -To these succeeded a bottle or two of very good wine, for -which a messenger was despatched by Mr. Pickwick to the Horn -Coffee-house, in Doctors' Commons. The bottle or two, indeed, -might be more properly described as a bottle or six, for by the -time it was drunk, and tea over, the bell began to ring for -strangers to withdraw. - -But, if Mr. Winkle's behaviour had been unaccountable in the -morning, it became perfectly unearthly and solemn when, under -the influence of his feelings, and his share of the bottle or six, -he prepared to take leave of his friend. He lingered behind, until -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass had disappeared, and then -fervently clenched Mr. Pickwick's hand, with an expression of -face in which deep and mighty resolve was fearfully blended with -the very concentrated essence of gloom. - -'Good-night, my dear Sir!' said Mr. Winkle between his set teeth. - -'Bless you, my dear fellow!' replied the warm-hearted Mr. -Pickwick, as he returned the pressure of his young friend's hand. - -'Now then!' cried Mr. Tupman from the gallery. - -'Yes, yes, directly,' replied Mr. Winkle. 'Good-night!' - -'Good-night,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -There was another good-night, and another, and half a dozen -more after that, and still Mr. Winkle had fast hold of his friend's -hand, and was looking into his face with the same strange expression. - -'Is anything the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick at last, when his -arm was quite sore with shaking. -'Nothing,' said Mr. Winkle. - -'Well then, good-night,' said Mr. Pickwick, attempting to -disengage his hand. - -'My friend, my benefactor, my honoured companion,' murmured -Mr. Winkle, catching at his wrist. 'Do not judge me -harshly; do not, when you hear that, driven to extremity by -hopeless obstacles, I--' - -'Now then,' said Mr. Tupman, reappearing at the door. 'Are -you coming, or are we to be locked in?' - -'Yes, yes, I am ready,' replied Mr. Winkle. And with a violent -effort he tore himself away. - -As Mr. Pickwick was gazing down the passage after them in -silent astonishment, Sam Weller appeared at the stair-head, and -whispered for one moment in Mr. Winkle's ear. - -'Oh, certainly, depend upon me,' said that gentleman aloud. - -'Thank'ee, sir. You won't forget, sir?' said Sam. -'Of course not,' replied Mr. Winkle. - -'Wish you luck, Sir,' said Sam, touching his hat. 'I should very -much liked to ha' joined you, Sir; but the gov'nor, o' course, -is paramount.' - -'It is very much to your credit that you remain here,' -said Mr. Winkle. With these words they disappeared down the stairs. - -,Very extraordinary,' said Mr. Pickwick, going back into his -room, and seating himself at the table in a musing attitude. -'What can that young man be going to do?' - -He had sat ruminating about the matter for some time, when -the voice of Roker, the turnkey, demanded whether he might -come in. - -'By all means,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I've brought you a softer pillow, Sir,' said Mr. Roker, 'instead -of the temporary one you had last night.' - -'Thank you,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Will you take a glass of wine?' - -'You're wery good, Sir,' replied Mr. Roker, accepting the -proffered glass. 'Yours, sir.' - -'Thank you,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'I'm sorry to say that your landlord's wery bad to-night, Sir,' -said Roker, setting down the glass, and inspecting the lining of -his hat preparatory to putting it on again. - -'What! The Chancery prisoner!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'He won't be a Chancery prisoner wery long, Sir,' replied -Roker, turning his hat round, so as to get the maker's name -right side upwards, as he looked into it. - -'You make my blood run cold,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'What do -you mean?' - -'He's been consumptive for a long time past,' said Mr. Roker, -'and he's taken wery bad in the breath to-night. The doctor said, -six months ago, that nothing but change of air could save him.' - -'Great Heaven!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick; 'has this man been -slowly murdered by the law for six months?' - -'I don't know about that,' replied Roker, weighing the hat by -the brim in both hands. 'I suppose he'd have been took the same, -wherever he was. He went into the infirmary, this morning; the -doctor says his strength is to be kept up as much as possible; and -the warden's sent him wine and broth and that, from his own -house. It's not the warden's fault, you know, sir.' - -'Of course not,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'I'm afraid, however,' said Roker, shaking his head, 'that it's -all up with him. I offered Neddy two six-penn'orths to one upon -it just now, but he wouldn't take it, and quite right. Thank'ee, Sir. -Good-night, sir.' - -'Stay,' said Mr. Pickwick earnestly. 'Where is this infirmary?' - -'Just over where you slept, sir,' replied Roker. 'I'll show you, if -you like to come.' Mr. Pickwick snatched up his hat without -speaking, and followed at once. - -The turnkey led the way in silence; and gently raising the -latch of the room door, motioned Mr. Pickwick to enter. It was -a large, bare, desolate room, with a number of stump bedsteads -made of iron, on one of which lay stretched the shadow of a man ---wan, pale, and ghastly. His breathing was hard and thick, and -he moaned painfully as it came and went. At the bedside sat a -short old man in a cobbler's apron, who, by the aid of a pair of -horn spectacles, was reading from the Bible aloud. It was the -fortunate legatee. - -The sick man laid his hand upon his attendant's arm, and -motioned him to stop. He closed the book, and laid it on the bed. - -'Open the window,' said the sick man. - -He did so. The noise of carriages and carts, the rattle of -wheels, the cries of men and boys, all the busy sounds of a mighty -multitude instinct with life and occupation, blended into one -deep murmur, floated into the room. Above the hoarse loud -hum, arose, from time to time, a boisterous laugh; or a scrap of -some jingling song, shouted forth, by one of the giddy crowd, -would strike upon the ear, for an instant, and then be lost amidst -the roar of voices and the tramp of footsteps; the breaking of the -billows of the restless sea of life, that rolled heavily on, without. -These are melancholy sounds to a quiet listener at any time; but -how melancholy to the watcher by the bed of death! - -'There is no air here,' said the man faintly. 'The place pollutes -it. It was fresh round about, when I walked there, years ago; but -it grows hot and heavy in passing these walls. I cannot breathe it.' - -'We have breathed it together, for a long time,' said the old -man. 'Come, come.' - -There was a short silence, during which the two spectators -approached the bed. The sick man drew a hand of his old fellow- -prisoner towards him, and pressing it affectionately between both -his own, retained it in his grasp. - -'I hope,' he gasped after a while, so faintly that they bent their -ears close over the bed to catch the half-formed sounds his pale -lips gave vent to--'I hope my merciful Judge will bear in mind -my heavy punishment on earth. Twenty years, my friend, twenty -years in this hideous grave! My heart broke when my child died, -and I could not even kiss him in his little coffin. My loneliness -since then, in all this noise and riot, has been very dreadful. May -God forgive me! He has seen my solitary, lingering death.' - -He folded his hands, and murmuring something more they -could not hear, fell into a sleep--only a sleep at first, for they saw -him smile. - -They whispered together for a little time, and the turnkey, -stooping over the pillow, drew hastily back. 'He has got his -discharge, by G--!' said the man. - -He had. But he had grown so like death in life, that they knew -not when he died. - - - -CHAPTER XLIV -DESCRIPTIVE OF AN AFFECTING INTERVIEW BETWEEN Mr. - SAMUEL WELLER AND A FAMILY PARTY. Mr. PICKWICK - MAKES A TOUR OF THE DIMINUTIVE WORLD HE - INHABITS, AND RESOLVES TO MIX WITH IT, IN FUTURE, - AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE - - -A few mornings after his incarceration, Mr. Samuel Weller, -having arranged his master's room with all possible care, and -seen him comfortably seated over his books and papers, withdrew -to employ himself for an hour or two to come, as he best could. -It was a fine morning, and it occurred to Sam that a pint of -porter in the open air would lighten his next quarter of an hour -or so, as well as any little amusement in which he could indulge. - -Having arrived at this conclusion, he betook himself to the -tap. Having purchased the beer, and obtained, moreover, the -day-but-one-before-yesterday's paper, he repaired to the skittle- -ground, and seating himself on a bench, proceeded to enjoy -himself in a very sedate and methodical manner. - -First of all, he took a refreshing draught of the beer, and then -he looked up at a window, and bestowed a platonic wink on a -young lady who was peeling potatoes thereat. Then he opened -the paper, and folded it so as to get the police reports outwards; -and this being a vexatious and difficult thing to do, when there is -any wind stirring, he took another draught of the beer when he -had accomplished it. Then, he read two lines of the paper, and -stopped short to look at a couple of men who were finishing a -game at rackets, which, being concluded, he cried out 'wery -good,' in an approving manner, and looked round upon the -spectators, to ascertain whether their sentiments coincided with -his own. This involved the necessity of looking up at the windows -also; and as the young lady was still there, it was an act of -common politeness to wink again, and to drink to her good -health in dumb show, in another draught of the beer, which Sam -did; and having frowned hideously upon a small boy who had -noted this latter proceeding with open eyes, he threw one leg over -the other, and, holding the newspaper in both hands, began to -read in real earnest. - -He had hardly composed himself into the needful state of -abstraction, when he thought he heard his own name proclaimed -in some distant passage. Nor was he mistaken, for it quickly -passed from mouth to mouth, and in a few seconds the air -teemed with shouts of 'Weller!' -'Here!' roared Sam, in a stentorian voice. 'Wot's the matter? -Who wants him? Has an express come to say that his country -house is afire?' - -'Somebody wants you in the hall,' said a man who was standing by. - -'Just mind that 'ere paper and the pot, old feller, will you?' -said Sam. 'I'm a-comin'. Blessed, if they was a-callin' me to the -bar, they couldn't make more noise about it!' - -Accompanying these words with a gentle rap on the head of the young -gentleman before noticed, who, unconscious of his close vicinity to -the person in request, was screaming 'Weller!' with all his might, -Sam hastened across the ground, and ran up the steps into the hall. -Here, the first object that met his eyes was his beloved father sitting -on a bottom stair, with his hat in his hand, shouting out 'Weller!' in -his very loudest tone, at half-minute intervals. - -'Wot are you a-roarin' at?' said Sam impetuously, when the old -gentleman had discharged himself of another shout; 'making -yourself so precious hot that you looks like a aggrawated glass- -blower. Wot's the matter?' - -'Aha!' replied the old gentleman, 'I began to be afeerd that -you'd gone for a walk round the Regency Park, Sammy.' - -'Come,' said Sam, 'none o' them taunts agin the wictim o' -avarice, and come off that 'ere step. Wot arc you a-settin' down -there for? I don't live there.' - -'I've got such a game for you, Sammy,' said the elder Mr. -Weller, rising. - -'Stop a minit,' said Sam, 'you're all vite behind.' - -'That's right, Sammy, rub it off,' said Mr. Weller, as his son -dusted him. 'It might look personal here, if a man walked about -with vitevash on his clothes, eh, Sammy?' - -As Mr. Weller exhibited in this place unequivocal symptoms -of an approaching fit of chuckling, Sam interposed to stop it. - -'Keep quiet, do,' said Sam, 'there never vos such a old picter- -card born. Wot are you bustin' vith, now?' - -'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead, 'I'm afeerd -that vun o' these days I shall laugh myself into a appleplexy, my boy.' - -'Vell, then, wot do you do it for?' said Sam. 'Now, then, wot -have you got to say?' - -'Who do you think's come here with me, Samivel?' said Mr. -Weller, drawing back a pace or two, pursing up his mouth, and -extending his eyebrows. -'Pell?' said Sam. - -Mr. Weller shook his head, and his red cheeks expanded with -the laughter that was endeavouring to find a vent. - -'Mottled-faced man, p'raps?' asked Sam. - -Again Mr. Weller shook his head. - -'Who then?'asked Sam. - -'Your mother-in-law,' said Mr. Weller; and it was lucky he did -say it, or his cheeks must inevitably have cracked, from their -most unnatural distension. - -'Your mother--in--law, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'and the -red-nosed man, my boy; and the red-nosed man. Ho! ho! ho!' - -With this, Mr. Weller launched into convulsions of laughter, -while Sam regarded him with a broad grin gradually over- -spreading his whole countenance. - -'They've come to have a little serious talk with you, Samivel,' -said Mr. Weller, wiping his eyes. 'Don't let out nothin' about the -unnat'ral creditor, Sammy.' - -'Wot, don't they know who it is?' inquired Sam. - -'Not a bit on it,' replied his father. - -'Vere are they?' said Sam, reciprocating all the old gentleman's grins. - -'In the snuggery,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Catch the red-nosed -man a-goin' anyvere but vere the liquors is; not he, Samivel, not -he. Ve'd a wery pleasant ride along the road from the Markis -this mornin', Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, when he felt himself -equal to the task of speaking in an articulate manner. 'I drove the -old piebald in that 'ere little shay-cart as belonged to your -mother-in-law's first wenter, into vich a harm-cheer wos lifted -for the shepherd; and I'm blessed,' said Mr. Weller, with a look -of deep scorn--'I'm blessed if they didn't bring a portable flight -o' steps out into the road a-front o' our door for him, to get up by.' - -'You don't mean that?' said Sam. - -'I do mean that, Sammy,' replied his father, 'and I vish you -could ha' seen how tight he held on by the sides wen he did get -up, as if he wos afeerd o' being precipitayted down full six foot, and -dashed into a million hatoms. He tumbled in at last, however, and avay -ve vent; and I rayther think--I say I rayther think, Samivel--that he -found his-self a little jolted ven ve turned the corners.' - -'Wot, I s'pose you happened to drive up agin a post or two?' -said Sam. -'I'm afeerd,' replied Mr. Weller, in a rapture of winks--'I'm -afeerd I took vun or two on 'em, Sammy; he wos a-flyin' out o' -the arm-cheer all the way.' - -Here the old gentleman shook his head from side to side, and -was seized with a hoarse internal rumbling, accompanied with a -violent swelling of the countenance, and a sudden increase in the -breadth of all his features; symptoms which alarmed his son -not a little. - -'Don't be frightened, Sammy, don't be frightened,' said the -old gentleman, when by dint of much struggling, and various -convulsive stamps upon the ground, he had recovered his -voice. 'It's only a kind o' quiet laugh as I'm a-tryin' to come, Sammy.' - -'Well, if that's wot it is,' said Sam, 'you'd better not try to -come it agin. You'll find it rayther a dangerous inwention.' - -'Don't you like it, Sammy?' inquired the old gentleman. - -'Not at all,' replied Sam. - -'Well,' said Mr. Weller, with the tears still running down his -cheeks, 'it 'ud ha' been a wery great accommodation to me if I -could ha' done it, and 'ud ha' saved a good many vords atween -your mother-in-law and me, sometimes; but I'm afeerd you're -right, Sammy, it's too much in the appleplexy line--a deal too -much, Samivel.' - -This conversation brought them to the door of the snuggery, -into which Sam--pausing for an instant to look over his shoulder, -and cast a sly leer at his respected progenitor, who was still -giggling behind--at once led the way. - -'Mother-in-law,' said Sam, politely saluting the lady, 'wery -much obliged to you for this here wisit.--Shepherd, how air you?' - -'Oh, Samuel!' said Mrs. Weller. 'This is dreadful.' - -'Not a bit on it, mum,' replied Sam.--'Is it, shepherd?' - -Mr. Stiggins raised his hands, and turned up his eyes, until the -whites--or rather the yellows--were alone visible; but made no -reply in words. - -'Is this here gen'l'm'n troubled with any painful complaint?' -said Sam, looking to his mother-in-law for explanation. - -'The good man is grieved to see you here, Samuel,' replied -Mrs. Weller. - -'Oh, that's it, is it?' said Sam. 'I was afeerd, from his manner, -that he might ha' forgotten to take pepper vith that 'ere last -cowcumber he eat. Set down, Sir, ve make no extra charge for -settin' down, as the king remarked wen he blowed up his ministers.' - -'Young man,' said Mr. Stiggins ostentatiously, 'I fear you are -not softened by imprisonment.' - -'Beg your pardon, Sir,' replied Sam; 'wot wos you graciously -pleased to hobserve?' - -'I apprehend, young man, that your nature is no softer for this -chastening,' said Mr. Stiggins, in a loud voice. - -'Sir,' replied Sam, 'you're wery kind to say so. I hope my -natur is NOT a soft vun, Sir. Wery much obliged to you for your -good opinion, Sir.' - -At this point of the conversation, a sound, indecorously -approaching to a laugh, was heard to proceed from the chair -in which the elder Mr. Weller was seated; upon which Mrs. -Weller, on a hasty consideration of all the circumstances of the -case, considered it her bounden duty to become gradually hysterical. - -'Weller,' said Mrs. W. (the old gentleman was seated in a -corner); 'Weller! Come forth.' - -'Wery much obleeged to you, my dear,' replied Mr. Weller; -'but I'm quite comfortable vere I am.' - -Upon this, Mrs. Weller burst into tears. - -'Wot's gone wrong, mum?' said Sam. - -'Oh, Samuel!' replied Mrs. Weller, 'your father makes me -wretched. Will nothing do him good?' - -'Do you hear this here?' said Sam. 'Lady vants to know vether -nothin' 'ull do you good.' - -'Wery much indebted to Mrs. Weller for her po-lite inquiries, -Sammy,' replied the old gentleman. 'I think a pipe vould benefit -me a good deal. Could I be accommodated, Sammy?' - -Here Mrs. Weller let fall some more tears, and Mr. Stiggins groaned. - -'Hollo! Here's this unfortunate gen'l'm'n took ill agin,' said -Sam, looking round. 'Vere do you feel it now, sir?' - -'In the same place, young man,' rejoined Mr. Stiggins, 'in the -same place.' - -'Vere may that be, Sir?' inquired Sam, with great outward simplicity. - -'In the buzzim, young man,' replied Mr. Stiggins, placing his -umbrella on his waistcoat. - -At this affecting reply, Mrs. Weller, being wholly unable to -suppress her feelings, sobbed aloud, and stated her conviction -that the red-nosed man was a saint; whereupon Mr. Weller, -senior, ventured to suggest, in an undertone, that he must be the -representative of the united parishes of St. Simon Without and -St. Walker Within. - -'I'm afeered, mum,' said Sam, 'that this here gen'l'm'n, with -the twist in his countenance, feels rather thirsty, with the -melancholy spectacle afore him. Is it the case, mum?' - -The worthy lady looked at Mr. Stiggins for a reply; that -gentleman, with many rollings of the eye, clenched his throat -with his right hand, and mimicked the act of swallowing, to -intimate that he was athirst. - -'I am afraid, Samuel, that his feelings have made him so -indeed,' said Mrs. Weller mournfully. - -'Wot's your usual tap, sir?' replied Sam. - -'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'all taps -is vanities!' - -'Too true, too true, indeed,' said Mrs. Weller, murmuring a -groan, and shaking her head assentingly. - -'Well,' said Sam, 'I des-say they may be, sir; but wich is your -partickler wanity? Wich wanity do you like the flavour on -best, sir?' - -'Oh, my dear young friend,' replied Mr. Stiggins, 'I despise -them all. If,' said Mr. Stiggins--'if there is any one of them less -odious than another, it is the liquor called rum. Warm, my dear -young friend, with three lumps of sugar to the tumbler.' - -'Wery sorry to say, sir,' said Sam, 'that they don't allow that -particular wanity to be sold in this here establishment.' - -'Oh, the hardness of heart of these inveterate men!' ejaculated -Mr. Stiggins. 'Oh, the accursed cruelty of these inhuman persecutors!' - -With these words, Mr. Stiggins again cast up his eyes, and -rapped his breast with his umbrella; and it is but justice to the -reverend gentleman to say, that his indignation appeared very -real and unfeigned indeed. - -After Mrs. Weller and the red-nosed gentleman had commented -on this inhuman usage in a very forcible manner, and -had vented a variety of pious and holy execrations against its -authors, the latter recommended a bottle of port wine, warmed -with a little water, spice, and sugar, as being grateful to the -stomach, and savouring less of vanity than many other compounds. -It was accordingly ordered to be prepared, and pending -its preparation the red-nosed man and Mrs. Weller looked at the -elder W. and groaned. - -'Well, Sammy,' said the gentleman, 'I hope you'll find your -spirits rose by this here lively wisit. Wery cheerful and improvin' -conwersation, ain't it, Sammy?' - -'You're a reprobate,' replied Sam; 'and I desire you won't -address no more o' them ungraceful remarks to me.' - -So far from being edified by this very proper reply, the elder -Mr. Weller at once relapsed into a broad grin; and this inexorable -conduct causing the lady and Mr. Stiggins to close their eyes, and -rock themselves to and fro on their chairs, in a troubled manner, -he furthermore indulged in several acts of pantomime, indicative -of a desire to pummel and wring the nose of the aforesaid -Stiggins, the performance of which, appeared to afford him great -mental relief. The old gentleman very narrowly escaped detection -in one instance; for Mr. Stiggins happening to give a start on the -arrival of the negus, brought his head in smart contact with the -clenched fist with which Mr. Weller had been describing imaginary -fireworks in the air, within two inches of his ear, for some minutes. - -'Wot are you a-reachin' out, your hand for the tumbler in that -'ere sawage way for?' said Sam, with great promptitude. 'Don't -you see you've hit the gen'l'm'n?' - -'I didn't go to do it, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, in some degree -abashed by the very unexpected occurrence of the incident. - -'Try an in'ard application, sir,' said Sam, as the red-nosed -gentleman rubbed his head with a rueful visage. 'Wot do you -think o' that, for a go o' wanity, warm, Sir?' - -Mr. Stiggins made no verbal answer, but his manner was -expressive. He tasted the contents of the glass which Sam had -placed in his hand, put his umbrella on the floor, and tasted it -again, passing his hand placidly across his stomach twice or -thrice; he then drank the whole at a breath, and smacking his -lips, held out the tumbler for more. - -Nor was Mrs. Weller behind-hand in doing justice to the -composition. The good lady began by protesting that she couldn't -touch a drop--then took a small drop--then a large drop-- -then a great many drops; and her feelings being of the nature -of those substances which are powerfully affected by the application -of strong waters, she dropped a tear with every drop -of negus, and so got on, melting the feelings down, until at -length she had arrived at a very pathetic and decent pitch of misery. - -The elder Mr. Weller observed these signs and tokens with -many manifestations of disgust, and when, after a second jug of -the same, Mr. Stiggins began to sigh in a dismal manner, he -plainly evinced his disapprobation of the whole proceedings, by -sundry incoherent ramblings of speech, among which frequent -angry repetitions of the word 'gammon' were alone distinguishable -to the ear. - -'I'll tell you wot it is, Samivel, my boy,' whispered the old -gentleman into his son's ear, after a long and steadfast -contemplation of his lady and Mr. Stiggins; 'I think there must be -somethin' wrong in your mother-in-law's inside, as vell as in that -o' the red-nosed man.' - -'Wot do you mean?' said Sam. - -'I mean this here, Sammy,' replied the old gentleman, 'that -wot they drink, don't seem no nourishment to 'em; it all turns to -warm water, and comes a-pourin' out o' their eyes. 'Pend upon -it, Sammy, it's a constitootional infirmity.' - -Mr. Weller delivered this scientific opinion with many -confirmatory frowns and nods; which, Mrs. Weller remarking, and -concluding that they bore some disparaging reference either to -herself or to Mr. Stiggins, or to both, was on the point of -becoming infinitely worse, when Mr. Stiggins, getting on his legs -as well as he could, proceeded to deliver an edifying discourse for -the benefit of the company, but more especially of Mr. Samuel, -whom he adjured in moving terms to be upon his guard in that -sink of iniquity into which he was cast; to abstain from all -hypocrisy and pride of heart; and to take in all things exact -pattern and copy by him (Stiggins), in which case he might -calculate on arriving, sooner or later at the comfortable -conclusion, that, like him, he was a most estimable and blameless -character, and that all his acquaintances and friends were hopelessly -abandoned and profligate wretches. Which consideration, -he said, could not but afford him the liveliest satisfaction. - -He furthermore conjured him to avoid, above all things, the -vice of intoxication, which he likened unto the filthy habits of -swine, and to those poisonous and baleful drugs which being -chewed in the mouth, are said to filch away the memory. At this -point of his discourse, the reverend and red-nosed gentleman -became singularly incoherent, and staggering to and fro in the -excitement of his eloquence, was fain to catch at the back of a -chair to preserve his perpendicular. - -Mr. Stiggins did not desire his hearers to be upon their guard -against those false prophets and wretched mockers of religion, -who, without sense to expound its first doctrines, or hearts to feel -its first principles, are more dangerous members of society than -the common criminal; imposing, as they necessarily do, upon the -weakest and worst informed, casting scorn and contempt on -what should be held most sacred, and bringing into partial -disrepute large bodies of virtuous and well-conducted persons of -many excellent sects and persuasions. But as he leaned over the -back of the chair for a considerable time, and closing one eye, -winked a good deal with the other, it is presumed that he thought -all this, but kept it to himself. - -During the delivery of the oration, Mrs. Weller sobbed and -wept at the end of the paragraphs; while Sam, sitting cross- -legged on a chair and resting his arms on the top rail, regarded -the speaker with great suavity and blandness of demeanour; -occasionally bestowing a look of recognition on the old gentleman, -who was delighted at the beginning, and went to sleep -about half-way. - -'Brayvo; wery pretty!' said Sam, when the red-nosed man -having finished, pulled his worn gloves on, thereby thrusting his -fingers through the broken tops till the knuckles were disclosed -to view. 'Wery pretty.' - -'I hope it may do you good, Samuel,' said Mrs. Weller solemnly. - -'I think it vill, mum,' replied Sam. - -'I wish I could hope that it would do your father good,' said -Mrs. Weller. - -'Thank'ee, my dear,' said Mr. Weller, senior. 'How do you find -yourself arter it, my love?' - -'Scoffer!' exclaimed Mrs. Weller. - -'Benighted man!' said the Reverend Mr. Stiggins. - -'If I don't get no better light than that 'ere moonshine o' -yourn, my worthy creetur,' said the elder Mr. Weller, 'it's wery -likely as I shall continey to be a night coach till I'm took off the -road altogether. Now, Mrs. We, if the piebald stands at livery -much longer, he'll stand at nothin' as we go back, and p'raps -that 'ere harm-cheer 'ull be tipped over into some hedge or -another, with the shepherd in it.' - -At this supposition, the Reverend Mr. Stiggins, in evident -consternation, gathered up his hat and umbrella, and proposed -an immediate departure, to which Mrs. Weller assented. Sam -walked with them to the lodge gate, and took a dutiful leave. - -'A-do, Samivel,' said the old gentleman. - -'Wot's a-do?' inquired Sammy. - -'Well, good-bye, then,' said the old gentleman. - -'Oh, that's wot you're aimin' at, is it?' said Sam. 'Good-bye!' - -'Sammy,' whispered Mr. Weller, looking cautiously round; -'my duty to your gov'nor, and tell him if he thinks better o' this -here bis'ness, to com-moonicate vith me. Me and a cab'net- -maker has dewised a plan for gettin' him out. A pianner, Samivel ---a pianner!' said Mr. Weller, striking his son on the chest with -the back of his hand, and falling back a step or two. - -'Wot do you mean?' said Sam. - -'A pianner-forty, Samivel,' rejoined Mr. Weller, in a still more -mysterious manner, 'as he can have on hire; vun as von't play, Sammy.' - -'And wot 'ud be the good o' that?' said Sam. - -'Let him send to my friend, the cabinet-maker, to fetch it back, -Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Are you avake, now?' - -'No,' rejoined Sam. - -'There ain't no vurks in it,' whispered his father. 'It 'ull hold -him easy, vith his hat and shoes on, and breathe through the legs, -vich his holler. Have a passage ready taken for 'Merriker. The -'Merrikin gov'ment will never give him up, ven vunce they find -as he's got money to spend, Sammy. Let the gov'nor stop there, -till Mrs. Bardell's dead, or Mr. Dodson and Fogg's hung (wich -last ewent I think is the most likely to happen first, Sammy), -and then let him come back and write a book about the -'Merrikins as'll pay all his expenses and more, if he blows 'em -up enough.' - -Mr. Weller delivered this hurried abstract of his plot with -great vehemence of whisper; and then, as if fearful of weakening -the effect of the tremendous communication by any further -dialogue, he gave the coachman's salute, and vanished. - -Sam had scarcely recovered his usual composure of countenance, -which had been greatly disturbed by the secret communication -of his respected relative, when Mr. Pickwick accosted him. - -'Sam,' said that gentleman. - -'Sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'I am going for a walk round the prison, and I wish you to -attend me. I see a prisoner we know coming this way, Sam,' said -Mr. Pickwick, smiling. - -'Wich, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller; 'the gen'l'm'n vith the head -o' hair, or the interestin' captive in the stockin's?' - -'Neither,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'He is an older friend of -yours, Sam.' - -'O' mine, Sir?' exclaimed Mr. Weller. - -'You recollect the gentleman very well, I dare say, Sam,' -replied Mr. Pickwick, 'or else you are more unmindful of your -old acquaintances than I think you are. Hush! not a word, Sam; -not a syllable. Here he is.' - -As Mr. Pickwick spoke, Jingle walked up. He looked less -miserable than before, being clad in a half-worn suit of clothes, -which, with Mr. Pickwick's assistance, had been released -from the pawnbroker's. He wore clean linen too, and had had -his hair cut. He was very pale and thin, however; and as he -crept slowly up, leaning on a stick, it was easy to see that he -had suffered severely from illness and want, and was still very -weak. He took off his hat as Mr. Pickwick saluted him, -and seemed much humbled and abashed at the sight of Sam Weller. - -Following close at his heels, came Mr. Job Trotter, in the -catalogue of whose vices, want of faith and attachment to his -companion could at all events find no place. He was still ragged -and squalid, but his face was not quite so hollow as on his first -meeting with Mr. Pickwick, a few days before. As he took off his -hat to our benevolent old friend, he murmured some broken -expressions of gratitude, and muttered something about having -been saved from starving. - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, impatiently interrupting him, -'you can follow with Sam. I want to speak to you, Mr. Jingle. -Can you walk without his arm?' - -'Certainly, sir--all ready--not too fast--legs shaky--head -queer--round and round--earthquaky sort of feeling--very.' - -'Here, give me your arm,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No, no,' replied Jingle; 'won't indeed--rather not.' - -'Nonsense,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'lean upon me, I desire, Sir.' - -Seeing that he was confused and agitated, and uncertain what -to do, Mr. Pickwick cut the matter short by drawing the invalided -stroller's arm through his, and leading him away, without saying -another word about it. - -During the whole of this time the countenance of Mr. Samuel -Weller had exhibited an expression of the most overwhelming -and absorbing astonishment that the imagination can portray. -After looking from Job to Jingle, and from Jingle to Job in -profound silence, he softly ejaculated the words, 'Well, I AM -damn'd!' which he repeated at least a score of times; after which -exertion, he appeared wholly bereft of speech, and again cast his -eyes, first upon the one and then upon the other, in mute -perplexity and bewilderment. - -'Now, Sam!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking back. - -'I'm a-comin', sir,' replied Mr. Weller, mechanically following -his master; and still he lifted not his eyes from Mr. Job Trotter, -who walked at his side in silence. -Job kept his eyes fixed on the ground for some time. Sam, with -his glued to Job's countenance, ran up against the people who -were walking about, and fell over little children, and stumbled -against steps and railings, without appearing at all sensible of it, -until Job, looking stealthily up, said-- - -'How do you do, Mr. Weller?' - -'It IS him!' exclaimed Sam; and having established Job's -identity beyond all doubt, he smote his leg, and vented his -feelings in a long, shrill whistle. - -'Things has altered with me, sir,' said Job. - -'I should think they had,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, surveying his -companion's rags with undisguised wonder. 'This is rayther a -change for the worse, Mr. Trotter, as the gen'l'm'n said, wen he -got two doubtful shillin's and sixpenn'orth o' pocket-pieces for a -good half-crown.' - -'It is indeed,' replied Job, shaking his head. 'There is no -deception now, Mr. Weller. Tears,' said Job, with a look of -momentary slyness--'tears are not the only proofs of distress, -nor the best ones.' - -'No, they ain't,' replied Sam expressively. - -'They may be put on, Mr. Weller,' said Job. - -'I know they may,' said Sam; 'some people, indeed, has 'em -always ready laid on, and can pull out the plug wenever they likes.' - -'Yes,' replied Job; 'but these sort of things are not so easily -counterfeited, Mr. Weller, and it is a more painful process to get -them up.' As he spoke, he pointed to his sallow, sunken cheeks, -and, drawing up his coat sleeve, disclosed an arm which looked -as if the bone could be broken at a touch, so sharp and brittle did -it appear, beneath its thin covering of flesh. - -'Wot have you been a-doin' to yourself?' said Sam, recoiling. - -'Nothing,' replied Job. - -'Nothin'!' echoed Sam. - -'I have been doin' nothing for many weeks past,' said Job; -and eating and drinking almost as little.' - -Sam took one comprehensive glance at Mr. Trotter's thin face -and wretched apparel; and then, seizing him by the arm, -commenced dragging him away with great violence. - -'Where are you going, Mr. Weller?' said Job, vainly struggling -in the powerful grasp of his old enemy. -'Come on,' said Sam; 'come on!' He deigned no further -explanation till they reached the tap, and then called for a pot of -porter, which was speedily produced. - -'Now,' said Sam, 'drink that up, ev'ry drop on it, and then -turn the pot upside down, to let me see as you've took the medicine.' - -'But, my dear Mr. Weller,' remonstrated Job. - -'Down vith it!' said Sam peremptorily. - -Thus admonished, Mr. Trotter raised the pot to his lips, and, -by gentle and almost imperceptible degrees, tilted it into the air. -He paused once, and only once, to draw a long breath, but -without raising his face from the vessel, which, in a few moments -thereafter, he held out at arm's length, bottom upward. Nothing -fell upon the ground but a few particles of froth, which slowly -detached themselves from the rim, and trickled lazily down. - -'Well done!' said Sam. 'How do you find yourself arter it?' - -'Better, Sir. I think I am better,' responded Job. - -'O' course you air,' said Sam argumentatively. 'It's like puttin' -gas in a balloon. I can see with the naked eye that you gets -stouter under the operation. Wot do you say to another o' the -same dimensions?' - -'I would rather not, I am much obliged to you, Sir,' replied -Job--'much rather not.' - -'Vell, then, wot do you say to some wittles?' inquired Sam. - -'Thanks to your worthy governor, Sir,' said Mr. Trotter, 'we -have half a leg of mutton, baked, at a quarter before three, with -the potatoes under it to save boiling.' - -'Wot! Has HE been a-purwidin' for you?' asked Sam emphatically. - -'He has, Sir,' replied Job. 'More than that, Mr. Weller; my -master being very ill, he got us a room--we were in a kennel -before--and paid for it, Sir; and come to look at us, at night, -when nobody should know. Mr. Weller,' said Job, with real tears -in his eyes, for once, 'I could serve that gentleman till I fell down -dead at his feet.' - -'I say!' said Sam, 'I'll trouble you, my friend! None o' that!' - -Job Trotter looked amazed. - -'None o' that, I say, young feller,' repeated Sam firmly. 'No -man serves him but me. And now we're upon it, I'll let you into -another secret besides that,' said Sam, as he paid for the beer. -'I never heerd, mind you, or read of in story-books, nor see in -picters, any angel in tights and gaiters--not even in spectacles, as -I remember, though that may ha' been done for anythin' I know -to the contrairey--but mark my vords, Job Trotter, he's a reg'lar -thoroughbred angel for all that; and let me see the man as -wenturs to tell me he knows a better vun.' With this defiance, -Mr. Weller buttoned up his change in a side pocket, and, with -many confirmatory nods and gestures by the way, proceeded in -search of the subject of discourse. - -They found Mr. Pickwick, in company with Jingle, talking very -earnestly, and not bestowing a look on the groups who were -congregated on the racket-ground; they were very motley groups -too, and worth the looking at, if it were only in idle curiosity. - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick, as Sam and his companion drew -nigh, 'you will see how your health becomes, and think about it -meanwhile. Make the statement out for me when you feel yourself -equal to the task, and I will discuss the subject with you when -I have considered it. Now, go to your room. You are tired, and -not strong enough to be out long.' - -Mr. Alfred Jingle, without one spark of his old animation-- -with nothing even of the dismal gaiety which he had assumed -when Mr. Pickwick first stumbled on him in his misery--bowed -low without speaking, and, motioning to Job not to follow him -just yet, crept slowly away. - -'Curious scene this, is it not, Sam?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking -good-humouredly round. - -'Wery much so, Sir,' replied Sam. 'Wonders 'ull never cease,' -added Sam, speaking to himself. 'I'm wery much mistaken if that -,ere Jingle worn't a-doin somethin' in the water-cart way!' - -The area formed by the wall in that part of the Fleet in which -Mr. Pickwick stood was just wide enough to make a good -racket-court; one side being formed, of course, by the wall itself, -and the other by that portion of the prison which looked (or -rather would have looked, but for the wall) towards St. Paul's -Cathedral. Sauntering or sitting about, in every possible attitude -of listless idleness, were a great number of debtors, the major -part of whom were waiting in prison until their day of 'going up' -before the Insolvent Court should arrive; while others had been -remanded for various terms, which they were idling away as they -best could. Some were shabby, some were smart, many dirty, a -few clean; but there they all lounged, and loitered, and slunk -about with as little spirit or purpose as the beasts in a menagerie. - -Lolling from the windows which commanded a view of this -promenade were a number of persons, some in noisy conversation -with their acquaintance below, others playing at ball with some -adventurous throwers outside, others looking on at the racket- -players, or watching the boys as they cried the game. Dirty, -slipshod women passed and repassed, on their way to the cooking- -house in one corner of the yard; children screamed, and fought, -and played together, in another; the tumbling of the skittles, and -the shouts of the players, mingled perpetually with these and a -hundred other sounds; and all was noise and tumult--save in a -little miserable shed a few yards off, where lay, all quiet and -ghastly, the body of the Chancery prisoner who had died the -night before, awaiting the mockery of an inquest. The body! It is -the lawyer's term for the restless, whirling mass of cares and -anxieties, affections, hopes, and griefs, that make up the living -man. The law had his body; and there it lay, clothed in grave- -clothes, an awful witness to its tender mercy. - -'Would you like to see a whistling-shop, Sir?' inquired Job Trotter. - -'What do you mean?' was Mr. Pickwick's counter inquiry. - -'A vistlin' shop, Sir,' interposed Mr. Weller. - -'What is that, Sam?--A bird-fancier's?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Bless your heart, no, Sir,' replied Job; 'a whistling-shop, Sir, is -where they sell spirits.' Mr. Job Trotter briefly explained here, -that all persons, being prohibited under heavy penalties from -conveying spirits into debtors' prisons, and such commodities -being highly prized by the ladies and gentlemen confined therein, -it had occurred to some speculative turnkey to connive, for -certain lucrative considerations, at two or three prisoners retailing -the favourite article of gin, for their own profit and advantage. - -'This plan, you see, Sir, has been gradually introduced into all -the prisons for debt,' said Mr. Trotter. - -'And it has this wery great advantage,' said Sam, 'that the -turnkeys takes wery good care to seize hold o' ev'rybody but -them as pays 'em, that attempts the willainy, and wen it gets in -the papers they're applauded for their wigilance; so it cuts two -ways--frightens other people from the trade, and elewates their -own characters.' - -'Exactly so, Mr. Weller,' observed Job. - -'Well, but are these rooms never searched to ascertain whether -any spirits are concealed in them?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Cert'nly they are, Sir,' replied Sam; 'but the turnkeys knows -beforehand, and gives the word to the wistlers, and you may -wistle for it wen you go to look.' - -By this time, Job had tapped at a door, which was opened by a -gentleman with an uncombed head, who bolted it after them -when they had walked in, and grinned; upon which Job grinned, -and Sam also; whereupon Mr. Pickwick, thinking it might be -expected of him, kept on smiling to the end of the interview. - -The gentleman with the uncombed head appeared quite -satisfied with this mute announcement of their business, and, -producing a flat stone bottle, which might hold about a couple -of quarts, from beneath his bedstead, filled out three glasses of -gin, which Job Trotter and Sam disposed of in a most -workmanlike manner. - -'Any more?' said the whistling gentleman. - -'No more,' replied Job Trotter. - -Mr. Pickwick paid, the door was unbolted, and out they came; -the uncombed gentleman bestowing a friendly nod upon Mr. -Roker, who happened to be passing at the moment. - -From this spot, Mr. Pickwick wandered along all the galleries, -up and down all the staircases, and once again round the whole -area of the yard. The great body of the prison population -appeared to be Mivins, and Smangle, and the parson, and the -butcher, and the leg, over and over, and over again. There were -the same squalor, the same turmoil and noise, the same general -characteristics, in every corner; in the best and the worst alike. -The whole place seemed restless and troubled; and the people -were crowding and flitting to and fro, like the shadows in an -uneasy dream. - -'I have seen enough,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he threw himself -into a chair in his little apartment. 'My head aches with these -scenes, and my heart too. Henceforth I will be a prisoner in my -own room.' - -And Mr. Pickwick steadfastly adhered to this determination. -For three long months he remained shut up, all day; only -stealing out at night to breathe the air, when the greater part of his -fellow-prisoners were in bed or carousing in their rooms. His -health was beginning to suffer from the closeness of the confinement, -but neither the often-repeated entreaties of Perker and his -friends, nor the still more frequently-repeated warnings and -admonitions of Mr. Samuel Weller, could induce him to alter one -jot of his inflexible resolution. - - - -CHAPTER XLVI -RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT - UNMIXED WITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED - BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG - - -It was within a week of the close of the month of July, that a -hackney cabriolet, number unrecorded, was seen to proceed at a -rapid pace up Goswell Street; three people were squeezed into -it besides the driver, who sat in his own particular little -dickey at the side; over the apron were hung two shawls, belonging -to two small vixenish-looking ladies under the apron; between -whom, compressed into a very small compass, was stowed away, a -gentleman of heavy and subdued demeanour, who, whenever he -ventured to make an observation, was snapped up short by one of -the vixenish ladies before-mentioned. Lastly, the two vixenish -ladies and the heavy gentleman were giving the driver contradictory -directions, all tending to the one point, that he should stop at -Mrs. Bardell's door; which the heavy gentleman, in direct -opposition to, and defiance of, the vixenish ladies, contended -was a green door and not a yellow one. - -'Stop at the house with a green door, driver,' said the heavy -gentleman. - -'Oh! You perwerse creetur!' exclaimed one of the vixenish -ladies. 'Drive to the 'ouse with the yellow door, cabmin.' - -Upon this the cabman, who in a sudden effort to pull up at the -house with the green door, had pulled the horse up so high that -he nearly pulled him backward into the cabriolet, let the animal's -fore-legs down to the ground again, and paused. - -'Now vere am I to pull up?' inquired the driver. 'Settle it -among yourselves. All I ask is, vere?' - -Here the contest was renewed with increased violence; and the -horse being troubled with a fly on his nose, the cabman humanely -employed his leisure in lashing him about on the head, on the -counter-irritation principle. - -'Most wotes carries the day!' said one of the vixenish ladies at -length. 'The 'ouse with the yellow door, cabman.' - -But after the cabriolet had dashed up, in splendid style, to the -house with the yellow door, 'making,' as one of the vixenish -ladies triumphantly said, 'acterrally more noise than if one had -come in one's own carriage,' and after the driver had dismounted -to assist the ladies in getting out, the small round head of Master -Thomas Bardell was thrust out of the one-pair window of a -house with a red door, a few numbers off. - -'Aggrawatin' thing!' said the vixenish lady last-mentioned, -darting a withering glance at the heavy gentleman. - -'My dear, it's not my fault,' said the gentleman. - -'Don't talk to me, you creetur, don't,' retorted the lady. 'The -house with the red door, cabmin. Oh! If ever a woman was -troubled with a ruffinly creetur, that takes a pride and a pleasure -in disgracing his wife on every possible occasion afore strangers, -I am that woman!' - -'You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Raddle,' said the other -little woman, who was no other than Mrs. Cluppins. -'What have I been a-doing of?' asked Mr. Raddle. - -'Don't talk to me, don't, you brute, for fear I should be -perwoked to forgit my sect and strike you!' said Mrs. Raddle. - -While this dialogue was going on, the driver was most -ignominiously leading the horse, by the bridle, up to the house -with the red door, which Master Bardell had already opened. -Here was a mean and low way of arriving at a friend's house! -No dashing up, with all the fire and fury of the animal; no -jumping down of the driver; no loud knocking at the door; no -opening of the apron with a crash at the very last moment, for -fear of the ladies sitting in a draught; and then the man handing -the shawls out, afterwards, as if he were a private coachman! -The whole edge of the thing had been taken off--it was flatter -than walking. - -'Well, Tommy,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'how's your poor dear mother?' - -'Oh, she's very well,' replied Master Bardell. 'She's in the front -parlour, all ready. I'm ready too, I am.' Here Master Bardell put -his hands in his pockets, and jumped off and on the bottom step -of the door. - -'Is anybody else a-goin', Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins, arranging -her pelerine. - -'Mrs. Sanders is going, she is,' replied Tommy; 'I'm going too, -I am.' - -'Drat the boy,' said little Mrs. Cluppins. 'He thinks of nobody -but himself. Here, Tommy, dear.' - -'Well,' said Master Bardell. - -'Who else is a-goin', lovey?' said Mrs. Cluppins, in an -insinuating manner. - -'Oh! Mrs. Rogers is a-goin',' replied Master Bardell, opening -his eyes very wide as he delivered the intelligence. - -'What? The lady as has taken the lodgings!' ejaculated Mrs. Cluppins. - -Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets, -and nodded exactly thirty-five times, to imply that it was the -lady-lodger, and no other. - -'Bless us!' said Mrs. Cluppins. 'It's quite a party!' - -'Ah, if you knew what was in the cupboard, you'd say so,' -replied Master Bardell. - -'What is there, Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins coaxingly. -'You'll tell ME, Tommy, I know.' -'No, I won't,' replied Master Bardell, shaking his head, and -applying himself to the bottom step again. - -'Drat the child!' muttered Mrs. Cluppins. 'What a prowokin' -little wretch it is! Come, Tommy, tell your dear Cluppy.' - -'Mother said I wasn't to,' rejoined Master Bardell, 'I'm a-goin' -to have some, I am.' Cheered by this prospect, the precocious boy -applied himself to his infantile treadmill, with increased vigour. - -The above examination of a child of tender years took place -while Mr. and Mrs. Raddle and the cab-driver were having an -altercation concerning the fare, which, terminating at this point -in favour of the cabman, Mrs. Raddle came up tottering. - -'Lauk, Mary Ann! what's the matter?' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'It's put me all over in such a tremble, Betsy,' replied Mrs. -Raddle. 'Raddle ain't like a man; he leaves everythink to me.' - -This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr. Raddle, who -had been thrust aside by his good lady in the commencement of -the dispute, and peremptorily commanded to hold his tongue. -He had no opportunity of defending himself, however, for Mrs. -Raddle gave unequivocal signs of fainting; which, being perceived -from the parlour window, Mrs. Bardell, Mrs. Sanders, the -lodger, and the lodger's servant, darted precipitately out, and -conveyed her into the house, all talking at the same time, and -giving utterance to various expressions of pity and condolence, -as if she were one of the most suffering mortals on earth. Being -conveyed into the front parlour, she was there deposited on a -sofa; and the lady from the first floor running up to the first floor, -returned with a bottle of sal-volatile, which, holding Mrs. Raddle -tight round the neck, she applied in all womanly kindness and -pity to her nose, until that lady with many plunges and struggles -was fain to declare herself decidedly better. - -'Ah, poor thing!' said Mrs. Rogers, 'I know what her feelin's -is, too well.' -'Ah, poor thing! so do I,' said Mrs. Sanders; and then all the -ladies moaned in unison, and said they knew what it was, and -they pitied her from their hearts, they did. Even the lodger's little -servant, who was thirteen years old and three feet high, murmured -her sympathy. - -'But what's been the matter?' said Mrs. Bardell. - -'Ah, what has decomposed you, ma'am?' inquired Mrs. Rogers. - -'I have been a good deal flurried,' replied Mrs. Raddle, in a -reproachful manner. Thereupon the ladies cast indignant glances -at Mr. Raddle. - -'Why, the fact is,' said that unhappy gentleman, stepping -forward, 'when we alighted at this door, a dispute arose with the -driver of the cabrioily--' A loud scream from his wife, at the -mention of this word, rendered all further explanation inaudible. - -'You'd better leave us to bring her round, Raddle,' said Mrs. -Cluppins. 'She'll never get better as long as you're here.' - -All the ladies concurred in this opinion; so Mr. Raddle was -pushed out of the room, and requested to give himself an airing -in the back yard. Which he did for about a quarter of an hour, -when Mrs. Bardell announced to him with a solemn face that he -might come in now, but that he must be very careful how he -behaved towards his wife. She knew he didn't mean to be unkind; -but Mary Ann was very far from strong, and, if he didn't take -care, he might lose her when he least expected it, which would be -a very dreadful reflection for him afterwards; and so on. All this, -Mr. Raddle heard with great submission, and presently returned -to the parlour in a most lamb-like manner. - -'Why, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'you've never -been introduced, I declare! Mr. Raddle, ma'am; Mrs. Cluppins, -ma'am; Mrs. Raddle, ma'am.' - -'Which is Mrs. Cluppins's sister,' suggested Mrs. Sanders. - -'Oh, indeed!' said Mrs. Rogers graciously; for she was the -lodger, and her servant was in waiting, so she was more gracious -than intimate, in right of her position. 'Oh, indeed!' - -Mrs. Raddle smiled sweetly, Mr. Raddle bowed, and Mrs. -Cluppins said, 'she was sure she was very happy to have an -opportunity of being known to a lady which she had heerd so -much in favour of, as Mrs. Rogers.' A compliment which the -last-named lady acknowledged with graceful condescension. - -'Well, Mr. Raddle,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'I'm sure you ought to -feel very much honoured at you and Tommy being the only -gentlemen to escort so many ladies all the way to the Spaniards, -at Hampstead. Don't you think he ought, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am?' -'Oh, certainly, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Rogers; after whom all the -other ladies responded, 'Oh, certainly.' - -'Of course I feel it, ma'am,' said Mr. Raddle, rubbing his -hands, and evincing a slight tendency to brighten up a little. -'Indeed, to tell you the truth, I said, as we was a-coming along in -the cabrioily--' - -At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many -painful recollections, Mrs. Raddle applied her handkerchief to her -eyes again, and uttered a half-suppressed scream; so that Mrs. -Bardell frowned upon Mr. Raddle, to intimate that he had better -not say anything more, and desired Mrs. Rogers's servant, with -an air, to 'put the wine on.' - -This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the -closet, which comprised sundry plates of oranges and biscuits, -and a bottle of old crusted port--that at one-and-nine--with -another of the celebrated East India sherry at fourteen-pence, -which were all produced in honour of the lodger, and afforded -unlimited satisfaction to everybody. After great consternation -had been excited in the mind of Mrs. Cluppins, by an attempt on -the part of Tommy to recount how he had been cross-examined -regarding the cupboard then in action (which was fortunately -nipped in the bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted -'the wrong way,' and thereby endangering his life for some -seconds), the party walked forth in quest of a Hampstead stage. -This was soon found, and in a couple of hours they all arrived -safely in the Spaniards Tea-gardens, where the luckless Mr. -Raddle's very first act nearly occasioned his good lady a relapse; -it being neither more nor less than to order tea for seven, whereas -(as the ladies one and all remarked), what could have been easier -than for Tommy to have drank out of anybody's cup--or everybody's, -if that was all--when the waiter wasn't looking, -which would have saved one head of tea, and the tea just as good! - -However, there was no help for it, and the tea-tray came, with -seven cups and saucers, and bread-and-butter on the same scale. -Mrs. Bardell was unanimously voted into the chair, and Mrs. -Rogers being stationed on her right hand, and Mrs. Raddle on -her left, the meal proceeded with great merriment and success. - -'How sweet the country is, to be sure!' sighed Mrs. Rogers; -'I almost wish I lived in it always.' - -'Oh, you wouldn't like that, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Bardell, -rather hastily; for it was not at all advisable, with reference to the -lodgings, to encourage such notions; 'you wouldn't like it, ma'am.' - -'Oh! I should think you was a deal too lively and sought after, -to be content with the country, ma'am,' said little Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Perhaps I am, ma'am. Perhaps I am,' sighed the first-floor lodger. - -'For lone people as have got nobody to care for them, or take -care of them, or as have been hurt in their mind, or that kind of -thing,' observed Mr. Raddle, plucking up a little cheerfulness, -and looking round, 'the country is all very well. The country for -a wounded spirit, they say.' - -Now, of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could -have said, any would have been preferable to this. Of course -Mrs. Bardell burst into tears, and requested to be led from the -table instantly; upon which the affectionate child began to cry -too, most dismally. - -'Would anybody believe, ma'am,' exclaimed Mrs. Raddle, -turning fiercely to the first-floor lodger, 'that a woman could be -married to such a unmanly creetur, which can tamper with a -woman's feelings as he does, every hour in the day, ma'am?' - -'My dear,' remonstrated Mr. Raddle, 'I didn't mean anything, -my dear.' - -'You didn't mean!' repeated Mrs. Raddle, with great scorn and -contempt. 'Go away. I can't bear the sight on you, you brute.' - -'You must not flurry yourself, Mary Ann,' interposed Mrs. -Cluppins. 'You really must consider yourself, my dear, which you -never do. Now go away, Raddle, there's a good soul, or you'll -only aggravate her.' - -'You had better take your tea by yourself, Sir, indeed,' said -Mrs. Rogers, again applying the smelling-bottle. - -Mrs. Sanders, who, according to custom, was very busy with -the bread-and-butter, expressed the same opinion, and Mr. Raddle -quietly retired. - -After this, there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell, who -was rather a large size for hugging, into his mother's arms, in -which operation he got his boots in the tea-board, and occasioned -some confusion among the cups and saucers. But that description -of fainting fits, which is contagious among ladies, seldom lasts -long; so when he had been well kissed, and a little cried over, -Mrs. Bardell recovered, set him down again, wondering how she -could have been so foolish, and poured out some more tea. - -It was at this moment, that the sound of approaching wheels -was heard, and that the ladies, looking up, saw a hackney-coach -stop at the garden gate. - -'More company!' said Mrs. Sanders. - -'It's a gentleman,' said Mrs. Raddle. - -'Well, if it ain't Mr. Jackson, the young man from Dodson and -Fogg's!' cried Mrs. Bardell. 'Why, gracious! Surely Mr. Pickwick -can't have paid the damages.' - -'Or hoffered marriage!' said Mrs. Cluppins. - -'Dear me, how slow the gentleman is,'exclaimed Mrs. Rogers. -'Why doesn't he make haste!' - -As the lady spoke these words, Mr. Jackson turned from the -coach where he had been addressing some observations to a -shabby man in black leggings, who had just emerged from the -vehicle with a thick ash stick in his hand, and made his way to -the place where the ladies were seated; winding his hair round -the brim of his hat, as he came along. -'Is anything the matter? Has anything taken place, Mr. -Jackson?' said Mrs. Bardell eagerly. - -'Nothing whatever, ma'am,' replied Mr. Jackson. 'How de do, -ladies? I have to ask pardon, ladies, for intruding--but the law, -ladies--the law.' With this apology Mr. Jackson smiled, made a -comprehensive bow, and gave his hair another wind. Mrs. -Rogers whispered Mrs. Raddle that he was really an elegant -young man. - -'I called in Goswell Street,' resumed Mr. Jackson, 'and hearing -that you were here, from the slavey, took a coach and came on. -Our people want you down in the city directly, Mrs. Bardell.' - -'Lor!' ejaculated that lady, starting at the sudden nature of -the communication. - -'Yes,' said Mr. Jackson, biting his lip. 'It's very important and -pressing business, which can't be postponed on any account. -Indeed, Dodson expressly said so to me, and so did Fogg. I've -kept the coach on purpose for you to go back in.' - -'How very strange!' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell. - -The ladies agreed that it WAS very strange, but were -unanimously of opinion that it must be very important, or Dodson -& Fogg would never have sent; and further, that the business -being urgent, she ought to repair to Dodson & Fogg's without -any delay. - -There was a certain degree of pride and importance about -being wanted by one's lawyers in such a monstrous hurry, that -was by no means displeasing to Mrs. Bardell, especially as it -might be reasonably supposed to enhance her consequence in the -eyes of the first-floor lodger. She simpered a little, affected -extreme vexation and hesitation, and at last arrived at the -conclusion that she supposed she must go. - -'But won't you refresh yourself after your walk, Mr. Jackson?' -said Mrs. Bardell persuasively. - -'Why, really there ain't much time to lose,' replied Jackson; -'and I've got a friend here,' he continued, looking towards the -man with the ash stick. - -'Oh, ask your friend to come here, Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell. -'Pray ask your friend here, Sir.' - -'Why, thank'ee, I'd rather not,' said Mr. Jackson, with some -embarrassment of manner. 'He's not much used to ladies' society, -and it makes him bashful. If you'll order the waiter to deliver him -anything short, he won't drink it off at once, won't he!--only -try him!' Mr. Jackson's fingers wandered playfully round his nose -at this portion of his discourse, to warn his hearers that he was -speaking ironically. - -The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentleman, -and the bashful gentleman took something; Mr. Jackson also -took something, and the ladies took something, for hospitality's -sake. Mr. Jackson then said he was afraid it was time to go; -upon which, Mrs. Sanders, Mrs. Cluppins, and Tommy (who it -was arranged should accompany Mrs. Bardell, leaving the others -to Mr. Raddle's protection), got into the coach. - -'Isaac,' said Jackson, as Mrs. Bardell prepared to get in, -looking up at the man with the ash stick, who was seated on the -box, smoking a cigar. - -'Well?' - -'This is Mrs. Bardell.' - -'Oh, I know'd that long ago,' said the man. - -Mrs. Bardell got in, Mr. Jackson got in after her, and away -they drove. Mrs. Bardell could not help ruminating on what -Mr. Jackson's friend had said. Shrewd creatures, those lawyers. -Lord bless us, how they find people out! - -'Sad thing about these costs of our people's, ain't it,' said -Jackson, when Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders had fallen -asleep; 'your bill of costs, I mean.' - -'I'm very sorry they can't get them,' replied Mrs. Bardell. 'But -if you law gentlemen do these things on speculation, why you -must get a loss now and then, you know.' - -'You gave them a COGNOVIT for the amount of your costs, after -the trial, I'm told!' said Jackson. - -'Yes. Just as a matter of form,' replied Mrs. Bardell. - -'Certainly,' replied Jackson drily. 'Quite a matter of form. Quite.' - -On they drove, and Mrs. Bardell fell asleep. She was awakened, -after some time, by the stopping of the coach. - -'Bless us!' said the lady .'Are we at Freeman's Court?' - -'We're not going quite so far,' replied Jackson. 'Have the -goodness to step out.' - -Mrs. Bardell, not yet thoroughly awake, complied. It was a -curious place: a large wall, with a gate in the middle, and a gas- -light burning inside. - -'Now, ladies,' cried the man with the ash stick, looking into -the coach, and shaking Mrs. Sanders to wake her, 'Come!' -Rousing her friend, Mrs. Sanders alighted. Mrs. Bardell, leaning -on Jackson's arm, and leading Tommy by the hand, had already -entered the porch. They followed. - -The room they turned into was even more odd-looking than -the porch. Such a number of men standing about! And they -stared so! - -'What place is this?' inquired Mrs. Bardell, pausing. - -'Only one of our public offices,' replied Jackson, hurrying her -through a door, and looking round to see that the other women -were following. 'Look sharp, Isaac!' - -'Safe and sound,' replied the man with the ash stick. The door -swung heavily after them, and they descended a small flight of steps. - -'Here we are at last. All right and tight, Mrs. Bardell!' said -Jackson, looking exultingly round. - -'What do you mean?' said Mrs. Bardell, with a palpitating heart. - -'Just this,' replied Jackson, drawing her a little on one side; -'don't be frightened, Mrs. Bardell. There never was a more -delicate man than Dodson, ma'am, or a more humane man than -Fogg. It was their duty in the way of business, to take you in -execution for them costs; but they were anxious to spare your -feelings as much as they could. What a comfort it must be, to -you, to think how it's been done! This is the Fleet, ma'am. Wish -you good-night, Mrs. Bardell. Good-night, Tommy!' - -As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the -ash stick another man, with a key in his hand, who had been -looking on, led the bewildered female to a second short flight of -steps leading to a doorway. Mrs. Bardell screamed violently; -Tommy roared; Mrs. Cluppins shrunk within herself; and Mrs. -Sanders made off, without more ado. For there stood the injured -Mr. Pickwick, taking his nightly allowance of air; and beside him -leant Samuel Weller, who, seeing Mrs. Bardell, took his hat off -with mock reverence, while his master turned indignantly on his heel. - -'Don't bother the woman,' said the turnkey to Weller; 'she's -just come in.' - -'A prisoner!' said Sam, quickly replacing his hat. 'Who's the -plaintives? What for? Speak up, old feller.' - -'Dodson and Fogg,' replied the man; 'execution on COGNOVIT -for costs.' - -'Here, Job, Job!' shouted Sam, dashing into the passage. 'Run -to Mr. Perker's, Job. I want him directly. I see some good in this. -Here's a game. Hooray! vere's the gov'nor?' - -But there was no reply to these inquiries, for Job had started -furiously off, the instant he received his commission, and Mrs. -Bardell had fainted in real downright earnest. - - - -CHAPTER XLVII -IS CHIEFLY DEVOTED TO MATTERS OF BUSINESS, AND - THE TEMPORAL ADVANTAGE OF DODSON AND FOGG-- - Mr. WINKLE REAPPEARS UNDER EXTRAORDINARY - CIRCUMSTANCES--Mr. PICKWICK'S BENEVOLENCE PROVES - STRONGER THAN HIS OBSTINACY - - -Job Trotter, abating nothing of his speed, ran up Holborn, -sometimes in the middle of the road, sometimes on the -pavement, sometimes in the gutter, as the chances of getting along -varied with the press of men, women, children, and coaches, in -each division of the thoroughfare, and, regardless of all obstacles -stopped not for an instant until he reached the gate of Gray's -Inn. Notwithstanding all the expedition he had used, however, -the gate had been closed a good half-hour when he reached it, and -by the time he had discovered Mr. Perker's laundress, who lived -with a married daughter, who had bestowed her hand upon a -non-resident waiter, who occupied the one-pair of some number -in some street closely adjoining to some brewery somewhere -behind Gray's Inn Lane, it was within fifteen minutes of closing -the prison for the night. Mr. Lowten had still to be ferreted out -from the back parlour of the Magpie and Stump; and Job had -scarcely accomplished this object, and communicated Sam -Weller's message, when the clock struck ten. - -'There,' said Lowten, 'it's too late now. You can't get in -to-night; you've got the key of the street, my friend.' - -'Never mind me,' replied Job. 'I can sleep anywhere. But won't -it be better to see Mr. Perker to-night, so that we may be there, -the first thing in the morning?' - -'Why,' responded Lowten, after a little consideration, 'if it was -in anybody else's case, Perker wouldn't be best pleased at my -going up to his house; but as it's Mr. Pickwick's, I think I may -venture to take a cab and charge it to the office.' Deciding on this -line of conduct, Mr. Lowten took up his hat, and begging the -assembled company to appoint a deputy-chairman during his -temporary absence, led the way to the nearest coach-stand. -Summoning the cab of most promising appearance, he directed -the driver to repair to Montague Place, Russell Square. - -Mr. Perker had had a dinner-party that day, as was testified -by the appearance of lights in the drawing-room windows, the -sound of an improved grand piano, and an improvable cabinet -voice issuing therefrom, and a rather overpowering smell of meat -which pervaded the steps and entry. In fact, a couple of very good -country agencies happening to come up to town, at the same -time, an agreeable little party had been got together to meet them, -comprising Mr. Snicks, the Life Office Secretary, Mr. Prosee, the -eminent counsel, three solicitors, one commissioner of bankrupts, -a special pleader from the Temple, a small-eyed peremptory -young gentleman, his pupil, who had written a lively book about -the law of demises, with a vast quantity of marginal notes and -references; and several other eminent and distinguished personages. -From this society, little Mr. Perker detached himself, on his -clerk being announced in a whisper; and repairing to the dining- -room, there found Mr. Lowten and Job Trotter looking very dim -and shadowy by the light of a kitchen candle, which the gentleman -who condescended to appear in plush shorts and cottons -for a quarterly stipend, had, with a becoming contempt for the -clerk and all things appertaining to 'the office,' placed upon the table. - -'Now, Lowten,' said little Mr. Perker, shutting the door,'what's -the matter? No important letter come in a parcel, is there?' - -'No, Sir,' replied Lowten. 'This is a messenger from Mr. -Pickwick, Sir.' - -'From Pickwick, eh?' said the little man, turning quickly to -Job. 'Well, what is it?' - -'Dodson and Fogg have taken Mrs. Bardell in execution for -her costs, Sir,' said Job. - -'No!' exclaimed Perker, putting his hands in his pockets, and -reclining against the sideboard. - -'Yes,' said Job. 'It seems they got a cognovit out of her, for the -amount of 'em, directly after the trial.' - -'By Jove!' said Perker, taking both hands out of his pockets, -and striking the knuckles of his right against the palm of his left, -emphatically, 'those are the cleverest scamps I ever had anything -to do with!' - -'The sharpest practitioners I ever knew, Sir,' observed Lowten. - -'Sharp!' echoed Perker. 'There's no knowing where to have them.' - -'Very true, Sir, there is not,' replied Lowten; and then, both -master and man pondered for a few seconds, with animated -countenances, as if they were reflecting upon one of the most -beautiful and ingenious discoveries that the intellect of man had -ever made. When they had in some measure recovered from their -trance of admiration, Job Trotter discharged himself of the rest -of his commission. Perker nodded his head thoughtfully, and -pulled out his watch. - -'At ten precisely, I will be there,' said the little man. 'Sam is -quite right. Tell him so. Will you take a glass of wine, Lowten?' -'No, thank you, Sir.' - -'You mean yes, I think,' said the little man, turning to the -sideboard for a decanter and glasses. - -As Lowten DID mean yes, he said no more on the subject, but -inquired of Job, in an audible whisper, whether the portrait of -Perker, which hung opposite the fireplace, wasn't a wonderful -likeness, to which Job of course replied that it was. The wine -being by this time poured out, Lowten drank to Mrs. Perker and -the children, and Job to Perker. The gentleman in the plush -shorts and cottons considering it no part of his duty to show the -people from the office out, consistently declined to answer the -bell, and they showed themselves out. The attorney betook himself -to his drawing-room, the clerk to the Magpie and Stump, and -Job to Covent Garden Market to spend the night in a vegetable basket. - -Punctually at the appointed hour next morning, the good- -humoured little attorney tapped at Mr. Pickwick's door, which -was opened with great alacrity by Sam Weller. - -'Mr. Perker, sir,' said Sam, announcing the visitor to Mr. -Pickwick, who was sitting at the window in a thoughtful attitude. -'Wery glad you've looked in accidentally, Sir. I rather think the -gov'nor wants to have a word and a half with you, Sir.' - -Perker bestowed a look of intelligence on Sam, intimating that -he understood he was not to say he had been sent for; and -beckoning him to approach, whispered briefly in his ear. - -'You don't mean that 'ere, Sir?' said Sam, starting back in -excessive surprise. - -Perker nodded and smiled. - -Mr. Samuel Weller looked at the little lawyer, then at Mr. -Pickwick, then at the ceiling, then at Perker again; grinned, -laughed outright, and finally, catching up his hat from the carpet, -without further explanation, disappeared. - -'What does this mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at -Perker with astonishment. 'What has put Sam into this -extraordinary state?' - -'Oh, nothing, nothing,' replied Perker. 'Come, my dear Sir, -draw up your chair to the table. I have a good deal to say to you.' - -'What papers are those?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, as the little -man deposited on the table a small bundle of documents tied with -red tape. - -'The papers in Bardell and Pickwick,' replied Perker, undoing -the knot with his teeth. - -Mr. Pickwick grated the legs of his chair against the ground; -and throwing himself into it, folded his hands and looked sternly ---if Mr. Pickwick ever could look sternly--at his legal friend. - -'You don't like to hear the name of the cause?' said the little -man, still busying himself with the knot. - -'No, I do not indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Sorry for that,' resumed Perker, 'because it will form the -subject of our conversation.' - -'I would rather that the subject should be never mentioned -between us, Perker,' interposed Mr. Pickwick hastily. - -'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' said the little man, untying the -bundle, and glancing eagerly at Mr. Pickwick out of the corners -of his eyes. 'It must be mentioned. I have come here on purpose. -Now, are you ready to hear what I have to say, my dear Sir? No -hurry; if you are not, I can wait. I have this morning's paper -here. Your time shall be mine. There!' Hereupon, the little man -threw one leg over the other, and made a show of beginning to -read with great composure and application. - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, with a sigh, but softening into -a smile at the same time. 'Say what you have to say; it's the old -story, I suppose?' - -'With a difference, my dear Sir; with a difference,' rejoined -Perker, deliberately folding up the paper and putting it into his -pocket again. 'Mrs. Bardell, the plaintiff in the action, is within -these walls, Sir.' - -'I know it,' was Mr. Pickwick's reply, - -'Very good,' retorted Perker. 'And you know how she comes -here, I suppose; I mean on what grounds, and at whose suit?' - -'Yes; at least I have heard Sam's account of the matter,' said -Mr. Pickwick, with affected carelessness. - -'Sam's account of the matter,' replied Perker, 'is, I will venture -to say, a perfectly correct one. Well now, my dear Sir, the first -question I have to ask, is, whether this woman is to remain here?' - -'To remain here!' echoed Mr. Pickwick. - -'To remain here, my dear Sir,' rejoined Perker, leaning back in -his chair and looking steadily at his client. - -'How can you ask me?' said that gentleman. 'It rests with -Dodson and Fogg; you know that very well.' - -'I know nothing of the kind,' retorted Perker firmly. 'It does -NOT rest with Dodson and Fogg; you know the men, my dear Sir, -as well as I do. It rests solely, wholly, and entirely with you.' - -'With me!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick, rising nervously from his -chair, and reseating himself directly afterwards. - -The little man gave a double-knock on the lid of his snuff-box, -opened it, took a great pinch, shut it up again, and repeated the -words, 'With you.' - -'I say, my dear Sir,' resumed the little man, who seemed to -gather confidence from the snuff--'I say, that her speedy liberation -or perpetual imprisonment rests with you, and with you alone. -Hear me out, my dear Sir, if you please, and do not be so -very energetic, for it will only put you into a perspiration and do -no good whatever. I say,' continued Perker, checking off each -position on a different finger, as he laid it down--'I say that -nobody but you can rescue her from this den of wretchedness; -and that you can only do that, by paying the costs of this suit-- -both of plaintive and defendant--into the hands of these Freeman -Court sharks. Now pray be quiet, my dear sir.' - -Mr. Pickwick, whose face had been undergoing most surprising -changes during this speech, and was evidently on the verge of a -strong burst of indignation, calmed his wrath as well as he could. -Perker, strengthening his argumentative powers with another -pinch of snuff, proceeded-- - -'I have seen the woman, this morning. By paying the costs, you -can obtain a full release and discharge from the damages; and -further--this I know is a far greater object of consideration with -you, my dear sir--a voluntary statement, under her hand, in the -form of a letter to me, that this business was, from the very first, -fomented, and encouraged, and brought about, by these men, -Dodson and Fogg; that she deeply regrets ever having been the -instrument of annoyance or injury to you; and that she entreats -me to intercede with you, and implore your pardon.' - -'If I pay her costs for her,' said Mr. Pickwick indignantly. 'A -valuable document, indeed!' - -'No "if" in the case, my dear Sir,' said Perker triumphantly. -'There is the very letter I speak of. Brought to my office by -another woman at nine o'clock this morning, before I had set -foot in this place, or held any communication with Mrs. Bardell, -upon my honour.' Selecting the letter from the bundle, the little -lawyer laid it at Mr. Pickwick's elbow, and took snuff for two -consecutive minutes, without winking. - -'Is this all you have to say to me?' inquired Mr. Pickwick mildly. - -'Not quite,' replied Perker. 'I cannot undertake to say, at this -moment, whether the wording of the cognovit, the nature of the -ostensible consideration, and the proof we can get together about -the whole conduct of the suit, will be sufficient to justify an -indictment for conspiracy. I fear not, my dear Sir; they are too -clever for that, I doubt. I do mean to say, however, that the -whole facts, taken together, will be sufficient to justify you, in the -minds of all reasonable men. And now, my dear Sir, I put it to -you. This one hundred and fifty pounds, or whatever it may be ---take it in round numbers--is nothing to you. A jury had -decided against you; well, their verdict is wrong, but still they -decided as they thought right, and it IS against you. You have -now an opportunity, on easy terms, of placing yourself in a much -higher position than you ever could, by remaining here; which -would only be imputed, by people who didn't know you, to sheer -dogged, wrongheaded, brutal obstinacy; nothing else, my dear -Sir, believe me. Can you hesitate to avail yourself of it, when it -restores you to your friends, your old pursuits, your health and -amusements; when it liberates your faithful and attached servant, -whom you otherwise doom to imprisonment for the whole of -your life; and above all, when it enables you to take the very -magnanimous revenge--which I know, my dear sir, is one after -your own heart--of releasing this woman from a scene of misery -and debauchery, to which no man should ever be consigned, if I -had my will, but the infliction of which on any woman, is even -more frightful and barbarous. Now I ask you, my dear sir, not -only as your legal adviser, but as your very true friend, will you -let slip the occasion of attaining all these objects, and doing all -this good, for the paltry consideration of a few pounds finding -their way into the pockets of a couple of rascals, to whom it -makes no manner of difference, except that the more they gain, -the more they'll seek, and so the sooner be led into some piece of -knavery that must end in a crash? I have put these considerations -to you, my dear Sir, very feebly and imperfectly, but I ask you to -think of them. Turn them over in your mind as long as you please. -I wait here most patiently for your answer.' - -Before Mr. Pickwick could reply, before Mr. Perker had taken -one twentieth part of the snuff with which so unusually long an -address imperatively required to be followed up, there was a low -murmuring of voices outside, and then a hesitating knock at the door. - -'Dear, dear,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who had been evidently -roused by his friend's appeal; 'what an annoyance that door is! -Who is that?' - -'Me, Sir,' replied Sam Weller, putting in his head. - -'I can't speak to you just now, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am -engaged at this moment, Sam.' - -'Beg your pardon, Sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'But here's a lady -here, Sir, as says she's somethin' wery partickler to disclose.' - -'I can't see any lady,' replied Mr. Pickwick, whose mind was -filled with visions of Mrs. Bardell. - -'I wouldn't make too sure o' that, Sir,' urged Mr. Weller, -shaking his head. 'If you know'd who was near, sir, I rayther -think you'd change your note; as the hawk remarked to himself -vith a cheerful laugh, ven he heerd the robin-redbreast a-singin' -round the corner.' - -'Who is it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Will you see her, Sir?' asked Mr. Weller, holding the door in -his hand as if he had some curious live animal on the other side. - -'I suppose I must,' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at Perker. - -'Well then, all in to begin!' cried Sam. 'Sound the gong, draw -up the curtain, and enter the two conspiraytors.' - -As Sam Weller spoke, he threw the door open, and there -rushed tumultuously into the room, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle, -leading after him by the hand, the identical young lady who at -Dingley Dell had worn the boots with the fur round the tops, and -who, now a very pleasing compound of blushes and confusion, -and lilac silk, and a smart bonnet, and a rich lace veil, looked -prettier than ever. - -'Miss Arabella Allen!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, rising from his chair. - -'No,' replied Mr. Winkle, dropping on his knees. 'Mrs. Winkle. -Pardon, my dear friend, pardon!' - -Mr. Pickwick could scarcely believe the evidence of his senses, -and perhaps would not have done so, but for the corroborative -testimony afforded by the smiling countenance of Perker, and the -bodily presence, in the background, of Sam and the pretty -housemaid; who appeared to contemplate the proceedings with -the liveliest satisfaction. - -'Oh, Mr. Pickwick!' said Arabella, in a low voice, as if alarmed -at the silence. 'Can you forgive my imprudence?' - -Mr. Pickwick returned no verbal response to this appeal; but -he took off his spectacles in great haste, and seizing both the -young lady's hands in his, kissed her a great number of times-- -perhaps a greater number than was absolutely necessary--and -then, still retaining one of her hands, told Mr. Winkle he was an -audacious young dog, and bade him get up. This, Mr. Winkle, -who had been for some seconds scratching his nose with the brim -of his hat, in a penitent manner, did; whereupon Mr. Pickwick -slapped him on the back several times, and then shook hands -heartily with Perker, who, not to be behind-hand in the compliments -of the occasion, saluted both the bride and the pretty -housemaid with right good-will, and, having wrung Mr, Winkle's -hand most cordially, wound up his demonstrations of joy by -taking snuff enough to set any half-dozen men with ordinarily- -constructed noses, a-sneezing for life. -'Why, my dear girl,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'how has all this come -about? Come! Sit down, and let me hear it all. How well she -looks, doesn't she, Perker?' added Mr. Pickwick, surveying -Arabella's face with a look of as much pride and exultation, as if -she had been his daughter. - -'Delightful, my dear Sir,' replied the little man. 'If I were not a -married man myself, I should be disposed to envy you, you dog.' -Thus expressing himself, the little lawyer gave Mr. Winkle a poke -in the chest, which that gentleman reciprocated; after which they -both laughed very loudly, but not so loudly as Mr. Samuel -Weller, who had just relieved his feelings by kissing the pretty -housemaid under cover of the cupboard door. - -'I can never be grateful enough to you, Sam, I am sure,' said -Arabella, with the sweetest smile imaginable. 'I shall not forget -your exertions in the garden at Clifton.' - -'Don't say nothin' wotever about it, ma'am,' replied Sam. 'I -only assisted natur, ma'am; as the doctor said to the boy's -mother, after he'd bled him to death.' - -'Mary, my dear, sit down,' said Mr. Pickwick, cutting short -these compliments. 'Now then; how long have you been married, eh?' - -Arabella looked bashfully at her lord and master, who -replied, 'Only three days.' - -'Only three days, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why, what have you -been doing these three months?' - -'Ah, to be sure!' interposed Perker; 'come, account for this -idleness. You see Mr. Pickwick's only astonishment is, that it -wasn't all over, months ago.' - -'Why the fact is,' replied Mr. Winkle, looking at his blushing -young wife, 'that I could not persuade Bella to run away, for a -long time. And when I had persuaded her, it was a long time -more before we could find an opportunity. Mary had to give a -month's warning, too, before she could leave her place next door, -and we couldn't possibly have done it without her assistance.' -'Upon my word,' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, who by this time -had resumed his spectacles, and was looking from Arabella to -Winkle, and from Winkle to Arabella, with as much delight -depicted in his countenance as warmheartedness and kindly -feeling can communicate to the human face--'upon my word! -you seem to have been very systematic in your proceedings. And -is your brother acquainted with all this, my dear?' - -'Oh, no, no,' replied Arabella, changing colour. 'Dear Mr. -Pickwick, he must only know it from you--from your lips alone. -He is so violent, so prejudiced, and has been so--so anxious in -behalf of his friend, Mr, Sawyer,' added Arabella, looking down, -'that I fear the consequences dreadfully.' - -'Ah, to be sure,' said Perker gravely. 'You must take this -matter in hand for them, my dear sir. These young men will -respect you, when they would listen to nobody else. You must -prevent mischief, my dear Sir. Hot blood, hot blood.' And the -little man took a warning pinch, and shook his head doubtfully. - -'You forget, my love,' said Mr. Pickwick gently, 'you forget -that I am a prisoner.' - -'No, indeed I do not, my dear Sir,' replied Arabella. 'I never -have forgotten it. I have never ceased to think how great your -sufferings must have been in this shocking place. But I hoped -that what no consideration for yourself would induce you to do, -a regard to our happiness might. If my brother hears of this, first, -from you, I feel certain we shall be reconciled. He is my only -relation in the world, Mr. Pickwick, and unless you plead for me, -I fear I have lost even him. I have done wrong, very, very wrong, -I know.'Here poor Arabella hid her face in her handkerchief, and -wept bitterly. - -Mr. Pickwick's nature was a good deal worked upon, by these -same tears; but when Mrs. Winkle, drying her eyes, took to -coaxing and entreating in the sweetest tones of a very sweet voice, -he became particularly restless, and evidently undecided how to -act, as was evinced by sundry nervous rubbings of his spectacle- -glasses, nose, tights, head, and gaiters. - -Taking advantage of these symptoms of indecision, Mr. Perker -(to whom, it appeared, the young couple had driven straight that -morning) urged with legal point and shrewdness that Mr. Winkle, -senior, was still unacquainted with the important rise in life's -flight of steps which his son had taken; that the future expectations -of the said son depended entirely upon the said Winkle, -senior, continuing to regard him with undiminished feelings of -affection and attachment, which it was very unlikely he would, if -this great event were long kept a secret from him; that Mr. Pickwick, -repairing to Bristol to seek Mr. Allen, might, with equal -reason, repair to Birmingham to seek Mr. Winkle, senior; lastly, -that Mr. Winkle, senior, had good right and title to consider -Mr. Pickwick as in some degree the guardian and adviser of his -son, and that it consequently behoved that gentleman, and was -indeed due to his personal character, to acquaint the aforesaid -Winkle, senior, personally, and by word of mouth, with the -whole circumstances of the case, and with the share he had taken -in the transaction. - -Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass arrived, most opportunely, in -this stage of the pleadings, and as it was necessary to explain to -them all that had occurred, together with the various reasons pro -and con, the whole of the arguments were gone over again, after -which everybody urged every argument in his own way, and at -his own length. And, at last, Mr. Pickwick, fairly argued and -remonstrated out of all his resolutions, and being in imminent -danger of being argued and remonstrated out of his wits, caught -Arabella in his arms, and declaring that she was a very amiable -creature, and that he didn't know how it was, but he had always -been very fond of her from the first, said he could never find it in -his heart to stand in the way of young people's happiness, and -they might do with him as they pleased. - -Mr. Weller's first act, on hearing this concession, was to -despatch Job Trotter to the illustrious Mr. Pell, with an authority -to deliver to the bearer the formal discharge which his prudent -parent had had the foresight to leave in the hands of that learned -gentleman, in case it should be, at any time, required on an -emergency; his next proceeding was, to invest his whole stock of -ready-money in the purchase of five-and-twenty gallons of mild -porter, which he himself dispensed on the racket-ground to -everybody who would partake of it; this done, he hurra'd in -divers parts of the building until he lost his voice, and then -quietly relapsed into his usual collected and philosophical condition. - -At three o'clock that afternoon, Mr. Pickwick took a last look -at his little room, and made his way, as well as he could, through -the throng of debtors who pressed eagerly forward to shake him -by the hand, until he reached the lodge steps. He turned here, to -look about him, and his eye lightened as he did so. In all the -crowd of wan, emaciated faces, he saw not one which was not -happier for his sympathy and charity. - -'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, beckoning one young man -towards him, 'this is Mr. Jingle, whom I spoke to you about.' - -'Very good, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, looking hard at -Jingle. 'You will see me again, young man, to-morrow. I hope -you may live to remember and feel deeply, what I shall have to -communicate, Sir.' - -Jingle bowed respectfully, trembled very much as he took -Mr. Pickwick's proffered hand, and withdrew. - -'Job you know, I think?' said Mr. Pickwick, presenting that -gentleman. - -'I know the rascal,' replied Perker good-humouredly. 'See after -your friend, and be in the way to-morrow at one. Do you hear? -Now, is there anything more?' - -'Nothing,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'You have delivered the -little parcel I gave you for your old landlord, Sam?' - -'I have, Sir,' replied Sam. 'He bust out a-cryin', Sir, and said -you wos wery gen'rous and thoughtful, and he only wished you -could have him innockilated for a gallopin' consumption, for his -old friend as had lived here so long wos dead, and he'd noweres -to look for another.' -'Poor fellow, poor fellow!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'God bless you, -my friends!' - -As Mr. Pickwick uttered this adieu, the crowd raised a loud -shout. Many among them were pressing forward to shake him -by the hand again, when he drew his arm through Perker's, and -hurried from the prison, far more sad and melancholy, for the -moment, than when he had first entered it. Alas! how many sad -and unhappy beings had he left behind! - -A happy evening was that for at least one party in the George -and Vulture; and light and cheerful were two of the hearts that -emerged from its hospitable door next morning. The owners -thereof were Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller, the former of whom -was speedily deposited inside a comfortable post-coach, with a -little dickey behind, in which the latter mounted with great agility. - -'Sir,' called out Mr. Weller to his master. - -'Well, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, thrusting his head out of -the window. - -'I wish them horses had been three months and better in the -Fleet, Sir.' - -'Why, Sam?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wy, Sir,' exclaimed Mr. Weller, rubbing his hands, 'how they -would go if they had been!' - - - -CHAPTER XLVIII -RELATES HOW Mr. PICKWICK, WITH THE ASSISTANCE - OF SAMUEL WELLER, ESSAYED TO SOFTEN THE HEART - OF Mr. BENJAMIN ALLEN, AND TO MOLLIFY THE WRATH - OF Mr. ROBERT SAWYER - - -Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer sat together in the little -surgery behind the shop, discussing minced veal and future -prospects, when the discourse, not unnaturally, turned upon -the practice acquired by Bob the aforesaid, and his present chances -of deriving a competent independence from the honourable -profession to which he had devoted himself. - -'Which, I think,' observed Mr. Bob Sawyer, pursuing the -thread of the subject--'which, I think, Ben, are rather dubious.' - -'What's rather dubious?' inquired Mr. Ben Allen, at the same -time sharpening his intellect with a draught of beer. 'What's dubious?' - -'Why, the chances,' responded Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'I forgot,' said Mr. Ben Allen. 'The beer has reminded me that -I forgot, Bob--yes; they ARE dubious.' - -'It's wonderful how the poor people patronise me,' said Mr. -Bob Sawyer reflectively. 'They knock me up, at all hours of the -night; they take medicine to an extent which I should have -conceived impossible; they put on blisters and leeches with a -perseverance worthy of a better cause; they make additions to -their families, in a manner which is quite awful. Six of those -last-named little promissory notes, all due on the same day, Ben, -and all intrusted to me!' - -'It's very gratifying, isn't it?' said Mr. Ben Allen, holding his -plate for some more minced veal. - -'Oh, very,' replied Bob; 'only not quite so much so as the -confidence of patients with a shilling or two to spare would be. -This business was capitally described in the advertisement, Ben. -It is a practice, a very extensive practice--and that's all.' - -'Bob,' said Mr. Ben Allen, laying down his knife and fork, and -fixing his eyes on the visage of his friend, 'Bob, I'll tell you -what it is.' - -'What is it?' inquired Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'You must make yourself, with as little delay as possible, -master of Arabella's one thousand pounds.' - -'Three per cent. consolidated bank annuities, now standing in -her name in the book or books of the governor and company of -the Bank of England,' added Bob Sawyer, in legal phraseology. - -'Exactly so,' said Ben. 'She has it when she comes of age, or -marries. She wants a year of coming of age, and if you plucked -up a spirit she needn't want a month of being married.' - -'She's a very charming and delightful creature,' quoth Mr. -Robert Sawyer, in reply; 'and has only one fault that I know of, -Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want -of taste. She don't like me.' - -'It's my opinion that she don't know what she does like,' said -Mr. Ben Allen contemptuously. - -'Perhaps not,' remarked Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'But it's my opinion -that she does know what she doesn't like, and that's of more importance.' - -'I wish,' said Mr. Ben Allen, setting his teeth together, and -speaking more like a savage warrior who fed on raw wolf's flesh -which he carved with his fingers, than a peaceable young gentleman -who ate minced veal with a knife and fork--'I wish I knew -whether any rascal really has been tampering with her, and -attempting to engage her affections. I think I should assassinate -him, Bob.' - -'I'd put a bullet in him, if I found him out,' said Mr. Sawyer, -stopping in the course of a long draught of beer, and looking -malignantly out of the porter pot. 'If that didn't do his business, -I'd extract it afterwards, and kill him that way.' - -Mr. Benjamin Allen gazed abstractedly on his friend for some -minutes in silence, and then said-- - -'You have never proposed to her, point-blank, Bob?' - -'No. Because I saw it would be of no use,' replied Mr. Robert -Sawyer. - -'You shall do it, before you are twenty-four hours older,' -retorted Ben, with desperate calmness. 'She shall have you, or I'll -know the reason why. I'll exert my authority.' - -'Well,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer, 'we shall see.' - -'We shall see, my friend,' replied Mr. Ben Allen fiercely. He -paused for a few seconds, and added in a voice broken by -emotion, 'You have loved her from a child, my friend. You loved -her when we were boys at school together, and, even then, she -was wayward and slighted your young feelings. Do you recollect, -with all the eagerness of a child's love, one day pressing upon her -acceptance, two small caraway-seed biscuits and one sweet -apple, neatly folded into a circular parcel with the leaf of a -copy-book?' - -'I do,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'She slighted that, I think?' said Ben Allen. - -'She did,' rejoined Bob. 'She said I had kept the parcel so long -in the pockets of my corduroys, that the apple was unpleasantly warm.' - -'I remember,' said Mr. Allen gloomily. 'Upon which we ate it -ourselves, in alternate bites.' - -Bob Sawyer intimated his recollection of the circumstance last -alluded to, by a melancholy frown; and the two friends remained -for some time absorbed, each in his own meditations. - -While these observations were being exchanged between Mr. -Bob Sawyer and Mr. Benjamin Allen; and while the boy in the -gray livery, marvelling at the unwonted prolongation of the -dinner, cast an anxious look, from time to time, towards the -glass door, distracted by inward misgivings regarding the amount -of minced veal which would be ultimately reserved for his -individual cravings; there rolled soberly on through the streets of -Bristol, a private fly, painted of a sad green colour, drawn by a -chubby sort of brown horse, and driven by a surly-looking man -with his legs dressed like the legs of a groom, and his body -attired in the coat of a coachman. Such appearances are common -to many vehicles belonging to, and maintained by, old ladies of -economic habits; and in this vehicle sat an old lady who was its -mistress and proprietor. - -'Martin!' said the old lady, calling to the surly man, out of the -front window. - -'Well?' said the surly man, touching his hat to the old lady. - -'Mr. Sawyer's,' said the old lady. - -'I was going there,' said the surly man. - -The old lady nodded the satisfaction which this proof of the -surly man's foresight imparted to her feelings; and the surly man -giving a smart lash to the chubby horse, they all repaired to -Mr. Bob Sawyer's together. - -'Martin!' said the old lady, when the fly stopped at the door of -Mr. Robert Sawyer, late Nockemorf. - -'Well?' said Martin. - -'Ask the lad to step out, and mind the horse.' - -'I'm going to mind the horse myself,' said Martin, laying his -whip on the roof of the fly. - -'I can't permit it, on any account,' said the old lady; 'your -testimony will be very important, and I must take you into the -house with me. You must not stir from my side during the whole -interview. Do you hear?' - -'I hear,' replied Martin. - -'Well; what are you stopping for?' - -'Nothing,' replied Martin. So saying, the surly man leisurely -descended from the wheel, on which he had been poising himself -on the tops of the toes of his right foot, and having summoned -the boy in the gray livery, opened the coach door, flung down the -steps, and thrusting in a hand enveloped in a dark wash-leather -glove, pulled out the old lady with as much unconcern in his -manner as if she were a bandbox. - -'Dear me!' exclaimed the old lady. 'I am so flurried, now I have -got here, Martin, that I'm all in a tremble.' - -Mr. Martin coughed behind the dark wash-leather gloves, but -expressed no sympathy; so the old lady, composing herself, -trotted up Mr. Bob Sawyer's steps, and Mr. Martin followed. -Immediately on the old lady's entering the shop, Mr. Benjamin -Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been putting the spirits-and- -water out of sight, and upsetting nauseous drugs to take off the -smell of the tobacco smoke, issued hastily forth in a transport of -pleasure and affection. - -'My dear aunt,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, 'how kind of you to -look in upon us! Mr. Sawyer, aunt; my friend Mr. Bob Sawyer -whom I have spoken to you about, regarding--you know, aunt.' -And here Mr. Ben Allen, who was not at the moment extraordinarily -sober, added the word 'Arabella,' in what was meant to be -a whisper, but which was an especially audible and distinct -tone of speech which nobody could avoid hearing, if anybody -were so disposed. - -'My dear Benjamin,' said the old lady, struggling with a great -shortness of breath, and trembling from head to foot, 'don't be -alarmed, my dear, but I think I had better speak to Mr. Sawyer, -alone, for a moment. Only for one moment.' - -'Bob,' said Mr. Allen, 'will you take my aunt into the surgery?' - -'Certainly,' responded Bob, in a most professional voice. 'Step -this way, my dear ma'am. Don't be frightened, ma'am. We shall -be able to set you to rights in a very short time, I have no doubt, -ma'am. Here, my dear ma'am. Now then!' With this, Mr. Bob -Sawyer having handed the old lady to a chair, shut the door, -drew another chair close to her, and waited to hear detailed the -symptoms of some disorder from which he saw in perspective a -long train of profits and advantages. - -The first thing the old lady did, was to shake her head a great -many times, and began to cry. - -'Nervous,' said Bob Sawyer complacently. 'Camphor-julep and -water three times a day, and composing draught at night.' - -'I don't know how to begin, Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady. 'It -is so very painful and distressing.' - -'You need not begin, ma'am,' rejoined Mr. Bob Sawyer. 'I can -anticipate all you would say. The head is in fault.' - -'I should be very sorry to think it was the heart,' said the old -lady, with a slight groan. - -'Not the slightest danger of that, ma'am,' replied Bob Sawyer. -'The stomach is the primary cause.' - -'Mr. Sawyer!' exclaimed the old lady, starting. - -'Not the least doubt of it, ma'am,' rejoined Bob, looking -wondrous wise. 'Medicine, in time, my dear ma'am, would have -prevented it all.' - -'Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady, more flurried than before, 'this -conduct is either great impertinence to one in my situation, Sir, -or it arises from your not understanding the object of my visit. -If it had been in the power of medicine, or any foresight I could -have used, to prevent what has occurred, I should certainly have -done so. I had better see my nephew at once,' said the old lady, -twirling her reticule indignantly, and rising as she spoke. - -'Stop a moment, ma'am,' said Bob Sawyer; 'I'm afraid I have -not understood you. What IS the matter, ma'am?' - -'My niece, Mr. Sawyer,' said the old lady: 'your friend's sister.' - -'Yes, ma'am,' said Bob, all impatience; for the old lady, -although much agitated, spoke with the most tantalising deliberation, -as old ladies often do. 'Yes, ma'am.' - -'Left my home, Mr. Sawyer, three days ago, on a pretended -visit to my sister, another aunt of hers, who keeps the large -boarding-school, just beyond the third mile-stone, where there is -a very large laburnum-tree and an oak gate,' said the old lady, -stopping in this place to dry her eyes. - -'Oh, devil take the laburnum-tree, ma'am!' said Bob, quite -forgetting his professional dignity in his anxiety. 'Get on a little -faster; put a little more steam on, ma'am, pray.' - -'This morning,' said the old lady slowly--'this morning, she--' - -'She came back, ma'am, I suppose,' said Bob, with great -animation. 'Did she come back?' - -'No, she did not; she wrote,' replied the old lady. - -'What did she say?' inquired Bob eagerly. - -'She said, Mr. Sawyer,' replied the old lady--'and it is this I -want to prepare Benjamin's mind for, gently and by degrees; she -said that she was-- I have got the letter in my pocket, Mr. -Sawyer, but my glasses are in the carriage, and I should only -waste your time if I attempted to point out the passage to you, -without them; she said, in short, Mr. Sawyer, that she was married.' -'What!' said, or rather shouted, Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'Married,' repeated the old lady. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer stopped to hear no more; but darting from -the surgery into the outer shop, cried in a stentorian voice, -'Ben, my boy, she's bolted!' - -Mr. Ben Allen, who had been slumbering behind the counter, -with his head half a foot or so below his knees, no sooner heard -this appalling communication, than he made a precipitate rush -at Mr. Martin, and, twisting his hand in the neck-cloth of that -taciturn servitor, expressed an obliging intention of choking him -where he stood. This intention, with a promptitude often the -effect of desperation, he at once commenced carrying into -execution, with much vigour and surgical skill. - -Mr. Martin, who was a man of few words and possessed but -little power of eloquence or persuasion, submitted to this -operation with a very calm and agreeable expression of countenance, -for some seconds; finding, however, that it threatened -speedily to lead to a result which would place it beyond his power -to claim any wages, board or otherwise, in all time to come, he -muttered an inarticulate remonstrance and felled Mr. Benjamin -Allen to the ground. As that gentleman had his hands entangled -in his cravat, he had no alternative but to follow him to the floor. -There they both lay struggling, when the shop door opened, and -the party was increased by the arrival of two most unexpected -visitors, to wit, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Samuel Weller. - -The impression at once produced on Mr. Weller's mind by -what he saw, was, that Mr. Martin was hired by the establishment -of Sawyer, late Nockemorf, to take strong medicine, or to go into -fits and be experimentalised upon, or to swallow poison now and -then with the view of testing the efficacy of some new antidotes, -or to do something or other to promote the great science of -medicine, and gratify the ardent spirit of inquiry burning in the -bosoms of its two young professors. So, without presuming to -interfere, Sam stood perfectly still, and looked on, as if he were -mightily interested in the result of the then pending experiment. -Not so, Mr. Pickwick. He at once threw himself on the astonished -combatants, with his accustomed energy, and loudly called upon -the bystanders to interpose. - -This roused Mr. Bob Sawyer, who had been hitherto quite -paralysed by the frenzy of his companion. With that gentleman's -assistance, Mr. Pickwick raised Ben Allen to his feet. Mr. Martin -finding himself alone on the floor, got up, and looked about him. - -'Mr. Allen,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'what is the matter, Sir?' - -'Never mind, Sir!' replied Mr. Allen, with haughty defiance. - -'What is it?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, looking at Bob Sawyer. -'Is he unwell?' - -Before Bob could reply, Mr. Ben Allen seized Mr. Pickwick by -the hand, and murmured, in sorrowful accents, 'My sister, my -dear Sir; my sister.' - -'Oh, is that all!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'We shall easily arrange -that matter, I hope. Your sister is safe and well, and I am here, -my dear Sir, to--' - -'Sorry to do anythin' as may cause an interruption to such -wery pleasant proceedin's, as the king said wen he dissolved the -parliament,' interposed Mr. Weller, who had been peeping -through the glass door; 'but there's another experiment here, sir. -Here's a wenerable old lady a--lyin' on the carpet waitin' for -dissection, or galwinism, or some other rewivin' and scientific -inwention.' - -'I forgot,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen. 'It is my aunt.' - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Poor lady! Gently Sam, gently.' - -'Strange sitivation for one o' the family,' observed Sam Weller, -hoisting the aunt into a chair. 'Now depitty sawbones, bring out -the wollatilly!' - -The latter observation was addressed to the boy in gray, who, -having handed over the fly to the care of the street-keeper, had -come back to see what all the noise was about. Between the boy -in gray, and Mr. Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Benjamin Allen (who -having frightened his aunt into a fainting fit, was affectionately -solicitous for her recovery) the old lady was at length restored to -consciousness; then Mr. Ben Allen, turning with a puzzled -countenance to Mr. Pickwick, asked him what he was about to -say, when he had been so alarmingly interrupted. - -'We are all friends here, I presume?' said Mr. Pickwick, -clearing his voice, and looking towards the man of few words -with the surly countenance, who drove the fly with the chubby horse. - -This reminded Mr. Bob Sawyer that the boy in gray was looking -on, with eyes wide open, and greedy ears. The incipient -chemist having been lifted up by his coat collar, and dropped -outside the door, Bob Sawyer assured Mr. Pickwick that he -might speak without reserve. - -'Your sister, my dear Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, turning to -Benjamin Allen, 'is in London; well and happy.' - -'Her happiness is no object to me, sir,' said Benjamin Allen, -with a flourish of the hand. - -'Her husband IS an object to ME, Sir,' said Bob Sawyer. 'He -shall be an object to me, sir, at twelve paces, and a pretty object -I'll make of him, sir--a mean-spirited scoundrel!' This, as it -stood, was a very pretty denunciation, and magnanimous withal; -but Mr. Bob Sawyer rather weakened its effect, by winding up -with some general observations concerning the punching of -heads and knocking out of eyes, which were commonplace by comparison. - -'Stay, sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'before you apply those epithets -to the gentleman in question, consider, dispassionately, the -extent of his fault, and above all remember that he is a friend of mine.' - -'What!' said Mr. Bob Sawyer. -'His name!' cried Ben Allen. 'His name!' - -'Mr. Nathaniel Winkle,' said Mr, Pickwick. - -Mr. Benjamin Allen deliberately crushed his spectacles beneath -the heel of his boot, and having picked up the pieces, and put -them into three separate pockets, folded his arms, bit his lips, and -looked in a threatening manner at the bland features of Mr. Pickwick. - -'Then it's you, is it, Sir, who have encouraged and brought -about this match?' inquired Mr. Benjamin Allen at length. - -'And it's this gentleman's servant, I suppose,' interrupted the -old lady, 'who has been skulking about my house, and -endeavouring to entrap my servants to conspire against their -mistress.--Martin!' - -'Well?' said the surly man, coming forward. - -'Is that the young man you saw in the lane, whom you told me -about, this morning?' - -Mr. Martin, who, as it has already appeared, was a man of few -words, looked at Sam Weller, nodded his head, and growled -forth, 'That's the man.' Mr. Weller, who was never proud, gave -a smile of friendly recognition as his eyes encountered those of -the surly groom, and admitted in courteous terms, that he had -'knowed him afore.' - -'And this is the faithful creature,' exclaimed Mr. Ben Allen, -'whom I had nearly suffocated!--Mr. Pickwick, how dare you -allow your fellow to be employed in the abduction of my sister? -I demand that you explain this matter, sir.' - -'Explain it, sir!' cried Bob Sawyer fiercely. - -'It's a conspiracy,' said Ben Allen. - -'A regular plant,' added Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'A disgraceful imposition,' observed the old lady. - -'Nothing but a do,' remarked Martin. -'Pray hear me,' urged Mr. Pickwick, as Mr. Ben Allen fell into -a chair that patients were bled in, and gave way to his pocket- -handkerchief. 'I have rendered no assistance in this matter, -beyond being present at one interview between the young people -which I could not prevent, and from which I conceived my -presence would remove any slight colouring of impropriety that -it might otherwise have had; this is the whole share I have had in -the transaction, and I had no suspicion that an immediate -marriage was even contemplated. Though, mind,' added Mr. -Pickwick, hastily checking himself--'mind, I do not say I should -have prevented it, if I had known that it was intended.' - -'You hear that, all of you; you hear that?' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -'I hope they do,' mildly observed Mr. Pickwick, looking -round, 'and,' added that gentleman, his colour mounting as he -spoke, 'I hope they hear this, Sir, also. That from what has been -stated to me, sir, I assert that you were by no means justified -in attempting to force your sister's inclinations as you did, and -that you should rather have endeavoured by your kindness and -forbearance to have supplied the place of other nearer relations -whom she had never known, from a child. As regards my young -friend, I must beg to add, that in every point of worldly advantage -he is, at least, on an equal footing with yourself, if not on a -much better one, and that unless I hear this question discussed -with becoming temper and moderation, I decline hearing any -more said upon the subject.' - -'I wish to make a wery few remarks in addition to wot has -been put for'ard by the honourable gen'l'm'n as has jist give over,' -said Mr. Weller, stepping forth, 'wich is this here: a indiwidual -in company has called me a feller.' - -'That has nothing whatever to do with the matter, Sam,' interposed -Mr. Pickwick. 'Pray hold your tongue.' - -'I ain't a-goin' to say nothin' on that 'ere pint, sir,' replied -Sam, 'but merely this here. P'raps that gen'l'm'n may think as -there wos a priory 'tachment; but there worn't nothin' o' the -sort, for the young lady said in the wery beginnin' o' the keepin' -company, that she couldn't abide him. Nobody's cut him out, -and it 'ud ha' been jist the wery same for him if the young lady -had never seen Mr. Vinkle. That's what I wished to say, sir, and -I hope I've now made that 'ere gen'l'm'n's mind easy. - -A short pause followed these consolatory remarks of Mr. -Weller. Then Mr. Ben Allen rising from his chair, protested that -he would never see Arabella's face again; while Mr. Bob Sawyer, -despite Sam's flattering assurance, vowed dreadful vengeance on -the happy bridegroom. - -But, just when matters were at their height, and threatening to -remain so, Mr. Pickwick found a powerful assistant in the old -lady, who, evidently much struck by the mode in which he had -advocated her niece's cause, ventured to approach Mr. Benjamin -Allen with a few comforting reflections, of which the chief were, -that after all, perhaps, it was well it was no worse; the least said -the soonest mended, and upon her word she did not know that -it was so very bad after all; what was over couldn't be begun, and -what couldn't be cured must be endured; with various other -assurances of the like novel and strengthening description. To all -of these, Mr. Benjamin Allen replied that he meant no disrespect -to his aunt, or anybody there, but if it were all the same to them, -and they would allow him to have his own way, he would rather -have the pleasure of hating his sister till death, and after it. - -At length, when this determination had been announced half a -hundred times, the old lady suddenly bridling up and looking very -majestic, wished to know what she had done that no respect was -to be paid to her years or station, and that she should be obliged -to beg and pray, in that way, of her own nephew, whom she -remembered about five-and-twenty years before he was born, -and whom she had known, personally, when he hadn't a tooth -in his head; to say nothing of her presence on the first occasion -of his having his hair cut, and assistance at numerous other times -and ceremonies during his babyhood, of sufficient importance to -found a claim upon his affection, obedience, and sympathies, for ever. - -While the good lady was bestowing this objurgation on -Mr. Ben Allen, Bob Sawyer and Mr. Pickwick had retired in -close conversation to the inner room, where Mr. Sawyer was -observed to apply himself several times to the mouth of a black -bottle, under the influence of which, his features gradually -assumed a cheerful and even jovial expression. And at last he -emerged from the room, bottle in hand, and, remarking that he -was very sorry to say he had been making a fool of himself, -begged to propose the health and happiness of Mr. and Mrs. -Winkle, whose felicity, so far from envying, he would be the first -to congratulate them upon. Hearing this, Mr. Ben Allen suddenly -arose from his chair, and, seizing the black bottle, drank the -toast so heartily, that, the liquor being strong, he became nearly -as black in the face as the bottle. Finally, the black bottle went -round till it was empty, and there was so much shaking of hands -and interchanging of compliments, that even the metal-visaged -Mr. Martin condescended to smile. - -'And now,' said Bob Sawyer, rubbing his hands, 'we'll have a -jolly night.' - -'I am sorry,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that I must return to my inn. -I have not been accustomed to fatigue lately, and my journey has -tired me exceedingly.' - -'You'll take some tea, Mr. Pickwick?' said the old lady, with -irresistible sweetness. - -'Thank you, I would rather not,' replied that gentleman. The -truth is, that the old lady's evidently increasing admiration was -Mr. Pickwick's principal inducement for going away. He thought -of Mrs. Bardell; and every glance of the old lady's eyes threw him -into a cold perspiration. - -As Mr. Pickwick could by no means be prevailed upon to stay, -it was arranged at once, on his own proposition, that Mr. Benjamin -Allen should accompany him on his journey to the elder -Mr. Winkle's, and that the coach should be at the door, at nine -o'clock next morning. He then took his leave, and, followed by -Samuel Weller, repaired to the Bush. It is worthy of remark, that -Mr. Martin's face was horribly convulsed as he shook hands with -Sam at parting, and that he gave vent to a smile and an oath -simultaneously; from which tokens it has been inferred by those -who were best acquainted with that gentleman's peculiarities, -that he expressed himself much pleased with Mr. Weller's -society, and requested the honour of his further acquaintance. - -'Shall I order a private room, Sir?' inquired Sam, when they -reached the Bush. - -'Why, no, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'as I dined in the -coffee-room, and shall go to bed soon, it is hardly worth while. -See who there is in the travellers' room, Sam.' - -Mr. Weller departed on his errand, and presently returned to -say that there was only a gentleman with one eye; and that he -and the landlord were drinking a bowl of bishop together. - -'I will join them,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'He's a queer customer, the vun-eyed vun, sir,' observed Mr. -Weller, as he led the way. 'He's a-gammonin' that 'ere landlord, -he is, sir, till he don't rightly know wether he's a-standing on the -soles of his boots or the crown of his hat.' - -The individual to whom this observation referred, was sitting -at the upper end of the room when Mr. Pickwick entered, and -was smoking a large Dutch pipe, with his eye intently fixed on the -round face of the landlord; a jolly-looking old personage, to -whom he had recently been relating some tale of wonder, as was -testified by sundry disjointed exclamations of, 'Well, I wouldn't -have believed it! The strangest thing I ever heard! Couldn't have -supposed it possible!' and other expressions of astonishment -which burst spontaneously from his lips, as he returned the fixed -gaze of the one-eyed man. - -'Servant, sir,' said the one-eyed man to Mr. Pickwick. 'Fine -night, sir.' - -'Very much so indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, as the waiter -placed a small decanter of brandy, and some hot water before him. - -While Mr. Pickwick was mixing his brandy-and-water, the -one-eyed man looked round at him earnestly, from time to time, -and at length said-- - -'I think I've seen you before.' - -'I don't recollect you,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. - -'I dare say not,' said the one-eyed man. 'You didn't know me, -but I knew two friends of yours that were stopping at the Peacock -at Eatanswill, at the time of the election.' - -'Oh, indeed!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' rejoined the one-eyed man. 'I mentioned a little circumstance -to them about a friend of mine of the name of Tom Smart. -Perhaps you've heard them speak of it.' - -'Often,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 'He was your uncle, I think?' - -'No, no; only a friend of my uncle's,' replied the one-eyed man. - -'He was a wonderful man, that uncle of yours, though,' -remarked the landlord shaking his head. - -'Well, I think he was; I think I may say he was,' answered the -one-eyed man. 'I could tell you a story about that same uncle, -gentlemen, that would rather surprise you.' - -'Could you?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Let us hear it, by all means.' - -The one-eyed bagman ladled out a glass of negus from the -bowl, and drank it; smoked a long whiff out of the Dutch pipe; -and then, calling to Sam Weller who was lingering near the door, -that he needn't go away unless he wanted to, because the story -was no secret, fixed his eye upon the landlord's, and proceeded, -in the words of the next chapter. - - - -CHAPTER XLIX -CONTAINING THE STORY OF THE BAGMAN'S UNCLE - - -'My uncle, gentlemen,' said the bagman, 'was one of the -merriest, pleasantest, cleverest fellows, that ever lived. I wish -you had known him, gentlemen. On second thoughts, gentlemen, -I don't wish you had known him, for if you had, you would have -been all, by this time, in the ordinary course of nature, if not dead, -at all events so near it, as to have taken to stopping at home and -giving up company, which would have deprived me of the -inestimable pleasure of addressing you at this moment. Gentlemen, -I wish your fathers and mothers had known my uncle. -They would have been amazingly fond of him, especially your -respectable mothers; I know they would. If any two of his -numerous virtues predominated over the many that adorned his -character, I should say they were his mixed punch and his after- -supper song. Excuse my dwelling on these melancholy recollections -of departed worth; you won't see a man like my uncle -every day in the week. - -'I have always considered it a great point in my uncle's -character, gentlemen, that he was the intimate friend and -companion of Tom Smart, of the great house of Bilson and Slum, -Cateaton Street, City. My uncle collected for Tiggin and Welps, -but for a long time he went pretty near the same journey as Tom; -and the very first night they met, my uncle took a fancy for Tom, -and Tom took a fancy for my uncle. They made a bet of a new -hat before they had known each other half an hour, who should -brew the best quart of punch and drink it the quickest. My uncle -was judged to have won the making, but Tom Smart beat him in -the drinking by about half a salt-spoonful. They took another -quart apiece to drink each other's health in, and were staunch -friends ever afterwards. There's a destiny in these things, gentlemen; -we can't help it. - -'In personal appearance, my uncle was a trifle shorter than the -middle size; he was a thought stouter too, than the ordinary run -of people, and perhaps his face might be a shade redder. He had -the jolliest face you ever saw, gentleman: something like Punch, -with a handsome nose and chin; his eyes were always twinkling -and sparkling with good-humour; and a smile--not one of your -unmeaning wooden grins, but a real, merry, hearty, good- -tempered smile--was perpetually on his countenance. He was -pitched out of his gig once, and knocked, head first, against a -milestone. There he lay, stunned, and so cut about the face with -some gravel which had been heaped up alongside it, that, to use -my uncle's own strong expression, if his mother could have -revisited the earth, she wouldn't have known him. Indeed, when -I come to think of the matter, gentlemen, I feel pretty sure she -wouldn't. for she died when my uncle was two years and seven -months old, and I think it's very likely that, even without the -gravel, his top-boots would have puzzled the good lady not a -little; to say nothing of his jolly red face. However, there he lay, -and I have heard my uncle say, many a time, that the man said -who picked him up that he was smiling as merrily as if he had -tumbled out for a treat, and that after they had bled him, the -first faint glimmerings of returning animation, were his jumping -up in bed, bursting out into a loud laugh, kissing the young -woman who held the basin, and demanding a mutton chop and -a pickled walnut. He was very fond of pickled walnuts, gentlemen. -He said he always found that, taken without vinegar, they -relished the beer. - -'My uncle's great journey was in the fall of the leaf, at which -time he collected debts, and took orders, in the north; going -from London to Edinburgh, from Edinburgh to Glasgow, from -Glasgow back to Edinburgh, and thence to London by the -smack. You are to understand that his second visit to Edinburgh -was for his own pleasure. He used to go back for a week, just to -look up his old friends; and what with breakfasting with this one, -lunching with that, dining with the third, and supping with -another, a pretty tight week he used to make of it. I don't know -whether any of you, gentlemen, ever partook of a real substantial -hospitable Scotch breakfast, and then went out to a slight lunch -of a bushel of oysters, a dozen or so of bottled ale, and a noggin -or two of whiskey to close up with. If you ever did, you will -agree with me that it requires a pretty strong head to go out to -dinner and supper afterwards. - -'But bless your hearts and eyebrows, all this sort of thing was -nothing to my uncle! He was so well seasoned, that it was mere -child's play. I have heard him say that he could see the Dundee -people out, any day, and walk home afterwards without staggering; -and yet the Dundee people have as strong heads and as -strong punch, gentlemen, as you are likely to meet with, between -the poles. I have heard of a Glasgow man and a Dundee man -drinking against each other for fifteen hours at a sitting. They -were both suffocated, as nearly as could be ascertained, at the -same moment, but with this trifling exception, gentlemen, they -were not a bit the worse for it. - -'One night, within four-and-twenty hours of the time when he -had settled to take shipping for London, my uncle supped at the -house of a very old friend of his, a Bailie Mac something and -four syllables after it, who lived in the old town of Edinburgh. -There were the bailie's wife, and the bailie's three daughters, and -the bailie's grown-up son, and three or four stout, bushy eye- -browed, canny, old Scotch fellows, that the bailie had got -together to do honour to my uncle, and help to make merry. It -was a glorious supper. There was kippered salmon, and Finnan -haddocks, and a lamb's head, and a haggis--a celebrated Scotch -dish, gentlemen, which my uncle used to say always looked to -him, when it came to table, very much like a Cupid's stomach-- -and a great many other things besides, that I forget the names -of, but very good things, notwithstanding. The lassies were -pretty and agreeable; the bailie's wife was one of the best -creatures that ever lived; and my uncle was in thoroughly good -cue. The consequence of which was, that the young ladies -tittered and giggled, and the old lady laughed out loud, and the -bailie and the other old fellows roared till they were red in the -face, the whole mortal time. I don't quite recollect how many -tumblers of whiskey-toddy each man drank after supper; but this -I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the bailie's -grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse -of "Willie brewed a peck o' maut"; and he having been, for half -an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, -it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about -going, especially as drinking had set in at seven o'clock, in order -that he might get home at a decent hour. But, thinking it might -not be quite polite to go just then, my uncle voted himself into -the chair, mixed another glass, rose to propose his own health, -addressed himself in a neat and complimentary speech, and drank -the toast with great enthusiasm. Still nobody woke; so my uncle -took a little drop more--neat this time, to prevent the toddy from -disagreeing with him--and, laying violent hands on his hat, -sallied forth into the street. - -'it was a wild, gusty night when my uncle closed the bailie's -door, and settling his hat firmly on his head to prevent the wind -from taking it, thrust his hands into his pockets, and looking -upward, took a short survey of the state of the weather. The -clouds were drifting over the moon at their giddiest speed; at one -time wholly obscuring her; at another, suffering her to burst -forth in full splendour and shed her light on all the objects -around; anon, driving over her again, with increased velocity, -and shrouding everything in darkness. "Really, this won't do," -said my uncle, addressing himself to the weather, as if he felt -himself personally offended. "This is not at all the kind of thing -for my voyage. It will not do at any price," said my uncle, very -impressively. Having repeated this, several times, he recovered -his balance with some difficulty--for he was rather giddy with -looking up into the sky so long--and walked merrily on. - -'The bailie's house was in the Canongate, and my uncle was -going to the other end of Leith Walk, rather better than a mile's -journey. On either side of him, there shot up against the dark sky, -tall, gaunt, straggling houses, with time-stained fronts, and -windows that seemed to have shared the lot of eyes in mortals, -and to have grown dim and sunken with age. Six, seven, eight -Storey high, were the houses; storey piled upon storey, as -children build with cards--throwing their dark shadows over -the roughly paved road, and making the dark night darker. A -few oil lamps were scattered at long distances, but they only -served to mark the dirty entrance to some narrow close, or to -show where a common stair communicated, by steep and intricate -windings, with the various flats above. Glancing at all these -things with the air of a man who had seen them too often before, -to think them worthy of much notice now, my uncle walked up -the middle of the street, with a thumb in each waistcoat pocket, -indulging from time to time in various snatches of song, chanted -forth with such good-will and spirit, that the quiet honest folk -started from their first sleep and lay trembling in bed till the -sound died away in the distance; when, satisfying themselves that -it was only some drunken ne'er-do-weel finding his way home, -they covered themselves up warm and fell asleep again. - -'I am particular in describing how my uncle walked up the -middle of the street, with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, -gentlemen, because, as he often used to say (and with great -reason too) there is nothing at all extraordinary in this story, -unless you distinctly understand at the beginning, that he was not -by any means of a marvellous or romantic turn. - -'Gentlemen, my uncle walked on with his thumbs in his -waistcoat pockets, taking the middle of the street to himself, and -singing, now a verse of a love song, and then a verse of a drinking -one, and when he was tired of both, whistling melodiously, until -he reached the North Bridge, which, at this point, connects the -old and new towns of Edinburgh. Here he stopped for a minute, -to look at the strange, irregular clusters of lights piled one above -the other, and twinkling afar off so high, that they looked like -stars, gleaming from the castle walls on the one side and the -Calton Hill on the other, as if they illuminated veritable castles in -the air; while the old picturesque town slept heavily on, in gloom -and darkness below: its palace and chapel of Holyrood, guarded -day and night, as a friend of my uncle's used to say, by old -Arthur's Seat, towering, surly and dark, like some gruff genius, -over the ancient city he has watched so long. I say, gentlemen, -my uncle stopped here, for a minute, to look about him; and -then, paying a compliment to the weather, which had a little -cleared up, though the moon was sinking, walked on again, as -royally as before; keeping the middle of the road with great -dignity, and looking as if he would very much like to meet with -somebody who would dispute possession of it with him. There -was nobody at all disposed to contest the point, as it happened; -and so, on he went, with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, like -a lamb. - -'When my uncle reached the end of Leith Walk, he had to -cross a pretty large piece of waste ground which separated him -from a short street which he had to turn down to go direct to his -lodging. Now, in this piece of waste ground, there was, at that -time, an enclosure belonging to some wheelwright who contracted -with the Post Office for the purchase of old, worn-out mail -coaches; and my uncle, being very fond of coaches, old, young, -or middle-aged, all at once took it into his head to step out of his -road for no other purpose than to peep between the palings at -these mails--about a dozen of which he remembered to have seen, -crowded together in a very forlorn and dismantled state, inside. -My uncle was a very enthusiastic, emphatic sort of person, -gentlemen; so, finding that he could not obtain a good peep -between the palings he got over them, and sitting himself quietly -down on an old axle-tree, began to contemplate the mail coaches -with a deal of gravity. - -'There might be a dozen of them, or there might be more-- -my uncle was never quite certain on this point, and being a man -of very scrupulous veracity about numbers, didn't like to say-- -but there they stood, all huddled together in the most desolate -condition imaginable. The doors had been torn from their hinges -and removed; the linings had been stripped off, only a shred -hanging here and there by a rusty nail; the lamps were gone, the -poles had long since vanished, the ironwork was rusty, the paint -was worn away; the wind whistled through the chinks in the bare -woodwork; and the rain, which had collected on the roofs, fell, -drop by drop, into the insides with a hollow and melancholy -sound. They were the decaying skeletons of departed mails, and in -that lonely place, at that time of night, they looked chill and dismal. - -'My uncle rested his head upon his hands, and thought of the -busy, bustling people who had rattled about, years before, in the -old coaches, and were now as silent and changed; he thought of -the numbers of people to whom one of these crazy, mouldering -vehicles had borne, night after night, for many years, and through -all weathers, the anxiously expected intelligence, the eagerly -looked-for remittance, the promised assurance of health and -safety, the sudden announcement of sickness and death. The -merchant, the lover, the wife, the widow, the mother, the school- -boy, the very child who tottered to the door at the postman's -knock--how had they all looked forward to the arrival of the old -coach. And where were they all now? -'Gentlemen, my uncle used to SAY that he thought all this at the -time, but I rather suspect he learned it out of some book afterwards, -for he distinctly stated that he fell into a kind of doze, as he -sat on the old axle-tree looking at the decayed mail coaches, and -that he was suddenly awakened by some deep church bell -striking two. Now, my uncle was never a fast thinker, and if he -had thought all these things, I am quite certain it would have -taken him till full half-past two o'clock at the very least. I am, -therefore, decidedly of opinion, gentlemen, that my uncle fell -into a kind of doze, without having thought about anything at all. - -'Be this as it may, a church bell struck two. My uncle woke, -rubbed his eyes, and jumped up in astonishment. - -'In one instant, after the clock struck two, the whole of this -deserted and quiet spot had become a scene of most extraordinary -life and animation. The mail coach doors were on their -hinges, the lining was replaced, the ironwork was as good as -new, the paint was restored, the lamps were alight; cushions and -greatcoats were on every coach-box, porters were thrusting -parcels into every boot, guards were stowing away letter-bags, -hostlers were dashing pails of water against the renovated wheels; -numbers of men were pushing about, fixing poles into every -coach; passengers arrived, portmanteaus were handed up, -horses were put to; in short, it was perfectly clear that every mail -there, was to be off directly. Gentlemen, my uncle opened his -eyes so wide at all this, that, to the very last moment of his life, -he used to wonder how it fell out that he had ever been able to -shut 'em again. - -'"Now then!" said a voice, as my uncle felt a hand on his -shoulder, "you're booked for one inside. You'd better get in." - -'"I booked!" said my uncle, turning round. - -'"Yes, certainly." - -'My uncle, gentlemen, could say nothing, he was so very much -astonished. The queerest thing of all was that although there was -such a crowd of persons, and although fresh faces were pouring -in, every moment, there was no telling where they came from. -They seemed to start up, in some strange manner, from the -ground, or the air, and disappear in the same way. When a -porter had put his luggage in the coach, and received his fare, he -turned round and was gone; and before my uncle had well begun -to wonder what had become of him, half a dozen fresh ones -started up, and staggered along under the weight of parcels, -which seemed big enough to crush them. The passengers were all -dressed so oddly too! Large, broad-skirted laced coats, with -great cuffs and no collars; and wigs, gentlemen--great formal -wigs with a tie behind. My uncle could make nothing of it. - -'"Now, are you going to get in?" said the person who had -addressed my uncle before. He was dressed as a mail guard, with -a wig on his head and most enormous cuffs to his coat, and had -a lantern in one hand, and a huge blunderbuss in the other, -which he was going to stow away in his little arm-chest. "ARE you -going to get in, Jack Martin?" said the guard, holding the lantern -to my uncle's face. - -'"Hollo!" said my uncle, falling back a step or two. "That's familiar!" - -'"It's so on the way-bill," said the guard. - -'"Isn't there a 'Mister' before it?" said my uncle. For he felt, -gentlemen, that for a guard he didn't know, to call him Jack -Martin, was a liberty which the Post Office wouldn't have -sanctioned if they had known it. - -'"No, there is not," rejoined the guard coolly. - -'"Is the fare paid?" inquired my uncle. - -'"Of course it is," rejoined the guard. - -'"it is, is it?" said my uncle. "Then here goes! Which coach?" - -'"This," said the guard, pointing to an old-fashioned Edinburgh -and London mail, which had the steps down and the door open. -"Stop! Here are the other passengers. Let them get in first." - -'As the guard spoke, there all at once appeared, right in front -of my uncle, a young gentleman in a powdered wig, and a sky- -blue coat trimmed with silver, made very full and broad in the -skirts, which were lined with buckram. Tiggin and Welps were in -the printed calico and waistcoat piece line, gentlemen, so my -uncle knew all the materials at once. He wore knee breeches, and -a kind of leggings rolled up over his silk stockings, and shoes with -buckles; he had ruffles at his wrists, a three-cornered hat on his -head, and a long taper sword by his side. The flaps of his waist- -coat came half-way down his thighs, and the ends of his cravat -reached to his waist. He stalked gravely to the coach door, pulled -off his hat, and held it above his head at arm's length, cocking his -little finger in the air at the same time, as some affected people -do, when they take a cup of tea. Then he drew his feet together, -and made a low, grave bow, and then put out his left hand. My -uncle was just going to step forward, and shake it heartily, when -he perceived that these attentions were directed, not towards him, -but to a young lady who just then appeared at the foot of the -steps, attired in an old-fashioned green velvet dress with a long -waist and stomacher. She had no bonnet on her head, gentlemen, -which was muffled in a black silk hood, but she looked round for -an instant as she prepared to get into the coach, and such a -beautiful face as she disclosed, my uncle had never seen--not even -in a picture. She got into the coach, holding up her dress with one -hand; and as my uncle always said with a round oath, when he -told the story, he wouldn't have believed it possible that legs and -feet could have been brought to such a state of perfection unless -he had seen them with his own eyes. - -'But, in this one glimpse of the beautiful face, my uncle saw -that the young lady cast an imploring look upon him, and that -she appeared terrified and distressed. He noticed, too, that the -young fellow in the powdered wig, notwithstanding his show of -gallantry, which was all very fine and grand, clasped her tight by -the wrist when she got in, and followed himself immediately -afterwards. An uncommonly ill-looking fellow, in a close brown -wig, and a plum-coloured suit, wearing a very large sword, and -boots up to his hips, belonged to the party; and when he sat -himself down next to the young lady, who shrank into a corner -at his approach, my uncle was confirmed in his original -impression that something dark and mysterious was going forward, -or, as he always said himself, that "there was a screw -loose somewhere." It's quite surprising how quickly he made -up his mind to help the lady at any peril, if she needed any help. - -'"Death and lightning!" exclaimed the young gentleman, -laying his hand upon his sword as my uncle entered the coach. - -'"Blood and thunder!" roared the other gentleman. With -this, he whipped his sword out, and made a lunge at my uncle -without further ceremony. My uncle had no weapon about him, -but with great dexterity he snatched the ill-looking gentleman's -three-cornered hat from his head, and, receiving the point of his -sword right through the crown, squeezed the sides together, and -held it tight. - -'"Pink him behind!" cried the ill-looking gentleman to his -companion, as he struggled to regain his sword. - -'"He had better not," cried my uncle, displaying the heel of -one of his shoes, in a threatening manner. "I'll kick his brains -out, if he has any--, or fracture his skull if he hasn't." Exerting all -his strength, at this moment, my uncle wrenched the ill-looking -man's sword from his grasp, and flung it clean out of the coach -window, upon which the younger gentleman vociferated, "Death -and lightning!" again, and laid his hand upon the hilt of his -sword, in a very fierce manner, but didn't draw it. Perhaps, -gentlemen, as my uncle used to say with a smile, perhaps he was -afraid of alarming the lady. - -'"Now, gentlemen," said my uncle, taking his seat deliberately, -"I don't want to have any death, with or without lightning, -in a lady's presence, and we have had quite blood and -thundering enough for one journey; so, if you please, we'll sit in -our places like quiet insides. Here, guard, pick up that -gentleman's carving-knife." - -'As quickly as my uncle said the words, the guard appeared at -the coach window, with the gentleman's sword in his hand. He -held up his lantern, and looked earnestly in my uncle's face, as -he handed it in, when, by its light, my uncle saw, to his great -surprise, that an immense crowd of mail-coach guards swarmed -round the window, every one of whom had his eyes earnestly -fixed upon him too. He had never seen such a sea of white faces, -red bodies, and earnest eyes, in all his born days. - -'"This is the strangest sort of thing I ever had anything to do -with," thought my uncle; "allow me to return you your hat, sir." - -'The ill-looking gentleman received his three-cornered hat in -silence, looked at the hole in the middle with an inquiring air, -and finally stuck it on the top of his wig with a solemnity the -effect of which was a trifle impaired by his sneezing violently at -the moment, and jerking it off again. - -'"All right!" cried the guard with the lantern, mounting into -his little seat behind. Away they went. My uncle peeped out of -the coach window as they emerged from the yard, and observed -that the other mails, with coachmen, guards, horses, and -passengers, complete, were driving round and round in circles, at -a slow trot of about five miles an hour. My uncle burned with -indignation, gentlemen. As a commercial man, he felt that the -mail-bags were not to be trifled with, and he resolved to memorialise -the Post Office on the subject, the very instant he reached London. - -'At present, however, his thoughts were occupied with the -young lady who sat in the farthest corner of the coach, with her -face muffled closely in her hood; the gentleman with the sky-blue -coat sitting opposite to her; the other man in the plum-coloured -suit, by her side; and both watching her intently. If she so much -as rustled the folds of her hood, he could hear the ill-looking man -clap his hand upon his sword, and could tell by the other's -breathing (it was so dark he couldn't see his face) that he was -looking as big as if he were going to devour her at a mouthful. -This roused my uncle more and more, and he resolved, come -what might, to see the end of it. He had a great admiration for -bright eyes, and sweet faces, and pretty legs and feet; in short, he -was fond of the whole sex. It runs in our family, gentleman--so -am I. - -'Many were the devices which my uncle practised, to attract -the lady's attention, or at all events, to engage the mysterious -gentlemen in conversation. They were all in vain; the gentlemen -wouldn't talk, and the lady didn't dare. He thrust his head out of -the coach window at intervals, and bawled out to know why they -didn't go faster. But he called till he was hoarse; nobody paid the -least attention to him. He leaned back in the coach, and thought -of the beautiful face, and the feet and legs. This answered better; -it whiled away the time, and kept him from wondering where he -was going, and how it was that he found himself in such an odd -situation. Not that this would have worried him much, anyway ---he was a mighty free and easy, roving, devil-may-care sort of -person, was my uncle, gentlemen. - -'All of a sudden the coach stopped. "Hollo!" said my uncle, -"what's in the wind now?" - -'"Alight here," said the guard, letting down the steps. - -'"Here!" cried my uncle. - -'"Here," rejoined the guard. - -'"I'll do nothing of the sort," said my uncle. - -'"Very well, then stop where you are," said the guard. - -'"I will," said my uncle. - -'"Do," said the guard. - -'The passengers had regarded this colloquy with great attention, -and, finding that my uncle was determined not to alight, -the younger man squeezed past him, to hand the lady out. At this -moment, the ill-looking man was inspecting the hole in the crown -of his three-cornered hat. As the young lady brushed past, she -dropped one of her gloves into my uncle's hand, and softly -whispered, with her lips so close to his face that he felt her warm -breath on his nose, the single word "Help!" Gentlemen, my -uncle leaped out of the coach at once, with such violence that it -rocked on the springs again. - -'"Oh! you've thought better of it, have you?" said the guard, -when he saw my uncle standing on the ground. - -'My uncle looked at the guard for a few seconds, in some -doubt whether it wouldn't be better to wrench his blunderbuss -from him, fire it in the face of the man with the big sword, knock -the rest of the company over the head with the stock, snatch up -the young lady, and go off in the smoke. On second thoughts, -however, he abandoned this plan, as being a shade too -melodramatic in the execution, and followed the two mysterious men, -who, keeping the lady between them, were now entering an old -house in front of which the coach had stopped. They turned into -the passage, and my uncle followed. - -'Of all the ruinous and desolate places my uncle had ever -beheld, this was the most so. It looked as if it had once been a -large house of entertainment; but the roof had fallen in, in many -places, and the stairs were steep, rugged, and broken. There was -a huge fireplace in the room into which they walked, and the -chimney was blackened with smoke; but no warm blaze lighted -it up now. The white feathery dust of burned wood was still -strewed over the hearth, but the stove was cold, and all was dark -and gloomy. - -'"Well," said my uncle, as he looked about him, "a mail -travelling at the rate of six miles and a half an hour, and stopping -for an indefinite time at such a hole as this, is rather an irregular -sort of proceeding, I fancy. This shall be made known. I'll write -to the papers." - -'My uncle said this in a pretty loud voice, and in an open, -unreserved sort of manner, with the view of engaging the two -strangers in conversation if he could. But, neither of them took -any more notice of him than whispering to each other, and -scowling at him as they did so. The lady was at the farther end of -the room, and once she ventured to wave her hand, as if beseeching -my uncle's assistance. - -'At length the two strangers advanced a little, and the -conversation began in earnest. - -'"You don't know this is a private room, I suppose, fellow?" -said the gentleman in sky-blue. - -'"No, I do not, fellow," rejoined my uncle. "Only, if this is a -private room specially ordered for the occasion, I should think -the public room must be a VERY comfortable one;" with this, my -uncle sat himself down in a high-backed chair, and took such an -accurate measure of the gentleman, with his eyes, that Tiggin and -Welps could have supplied him with printed calico for a suit, and -not an inch too much or too little, from that estimate alone. - -'"Quit this room," said both men together, grasping their swords. - -'"Eh?" said my uncle, not at all appearing to comprehend -their meaning. - -'"Quit the room, or you are a dead man," said the ill-looking -fellow with the large sword, drawing it at the same time and -flourishing it in the air. - -'"Down with him!" cried the gentleman in sky-blue, drawing -his sword also, and falling back two or three yards. "Down -with him!" The lady gave a loud scream. - -'Now, my uncle was always remarkable for great boldness, and -great presence of mind. All the time that he had appeared so -indifferent to what was going on, he had been looking slily about for -some missile or weapon of defence, and at the very instant when -the swords were drawn, he espied, standing in the chimney- -corner, an old basket-hilted rapier in a rusty scabbard. At one -bound, my uncle caught it in his hand, drew it, flourished it -gallantly above his head, called aloud to the lady to keep out of -the way, hurled the chair at the man in sky-blue, and the scabbard -at the man in plum-colour, and taking advantage of the -confusion, fell upon them both, pell-mell. - -'Gentlemen, there is an old story--none the worse for being -true--regarding a fine young Irish gentleman, who being asked if -he could play the fiddle, replied he had no doubt he could, but he -couldn't exactly say, for certain, because he had never tried. This -is not inapplicable to my uncle and his fencing. He had never had -a sword in his hand before, except once when he played Richard -the Third at a private theatre, upon which occasion it was -arranged with Richmond that he was to be run through, from -behind, without showing fight at all. But here he was, cutting and -slashing with two experienced swordsman, thrusting, and guarding, -and poking, and slicing, and acquitting himself in the most -manful and dexterous manner possible, although up to that time -he had never been aware that he had the least notion of the -science. It only shows how true the old saying is, that a man never -knows what he can do till he tries, gentlemen. - -'The noise of the combat was terrific; each of the three -combatants swearing like troopers, and their swords clashing with as -much noise as if all the knives and steels in Newport market were -rattling together, at the same time. When it was at its very height, -the lady (to encourage my uncle most probably) withdrew -her hood entirely from her face, and disclosed a countenance of -such dazzling beauty, that he would have fought against fifty -men, to win one smile from it and die. He had done wonders -before, but now he began to powder away like a raving mad giant. - -'At this very moment, the gentleman in sky-blue turning -round, and seeing the young lady with her face uncovered, -vented an exclamation of rage and jealousy, and, turning his -weapon against her beautiful bosom, pointed a thrust at her -heart, which caused my uncle to utter a cry of apprehension that -made the building ring. The lady stepped lightly aside, and -snatching the young man's sword from his hand, before he had -recovered his balance, drove him to the wall, and running it -through him, and the panelling, up to the very hilt, pinned him -there, hard and fast. It was a splendid example. My uncle, with a -loud shout of triumph, and a strength that was irresistible, made -his adversary retreat in the same direction, and plunging the old -rapier into the very centre of a large red flower in the pattern of -his waistcoat, nailed him beside his friend; there they both stood, -gentlemen, jerking their arms and legs about in agony, like the -toy-shop figures that are moved by a piece of pack-thread. My -uncle always said, afterwards, that this was one of the surest -means he knew of, for disposing of an enemy; but it was liable to -one objection on the ground of expense, inasmuch as it involved -the loss of a sword for every man disabled. - -'"The mail, the mail!" cried the lady, running up to my uncle -and throwing her beautiful arms round his neck; "we may yet escape." - -'"May!" cried my uncle; "why, my dear, there's nobody else -to kill, is there?" My uncle was rather disappointed, gentlemen, -for he thought a little quiet bit of love-making would be agreeable -after the slaughtering, if it were only to change the subject. - -'"We have not an instant to lose here," said the young lady. -"He (pointing to the young gentleman in sky-blue) is the only -son of the powerful Marquess of Filletoville." -'"Well then, my dear, I'm afraid he'll never come to the -title," said my uncle, looking coolly at the young gentleman as he -stood fixed up against the wall, in the cockchafer fashion that I -have described. "You have cut off the entail, my love." - -'"I have been torn from my home and my friends by these -villains," said the young lady, her features glowing with indignation. -"That wretch would have married me by violence in another hour." - -'"Confound his impudence!" said my uncle, bestowing a very -contemptuous look on the dying heir of Filletoville. - -' "As you may guess from what you have seen," said the -young lady, "the party were prepared to murder me if I appealed -to any one for assistance. If their accomplices find us here, we are -lost. Two minutes hence may be too late. The mail!" With these -words, overpowered by her feelings, and the exertion of sticking -the young Marquess of Filletoville, she sank into my uncle's -arms. My uncle caught her up, and bore her to the house door. -There stood the mail, with four long-tailed, flowing-maned, black -horses, ready harnessed; but no coachman, no guard, no hostler -even, at the horses' heads. - -'Gentlemen, I hope I do no injustice to my uncle's memory, -when I express my opinion, that although he was a bachelor, he -had held some ladies in his arms before this time; I believe, -indeed, that he had rather a habit of kissing barmaids; and I -know, that in one or two instances, he had been seen by credible -witnesses, to hug a landlady in a very perceptible manner. I -mention the circumstance, to show what a very uncommon sort -of person this beautiful young lady must have been, to have -affected my uncle in the way she did; he used to say, that as her -long dark hair trailed over his arm, and her beautiful dark eyes -fixed themselves upon his face when she recovered, he felt so -strange and nervous that his legs trembled beneath him. But -who can look in a sweet, soft pair of dark eyes, without feeling -queer? I can't, gentlemen. I am afraid to look at some eyes I -know, and that's the truth of it. - -'"You will never leave me," murmured the young lady. - -'"Never," said my uncle. And he meant it too. - -'"My dear preserver!" exclaimed the young lady. "My dear, -kind, brave preserver!" - -'"Don't," said my uncle, interrupting her. - -'"'Why?" inquired the young lady. - -'"Because your mouth looks so beautiful when you speak," -rejoined my uncle, "that I'm afraid I shall be rude enough to -kiss it." - -'The young lady put up her hand as if to caution my uncle not -to do so, and said-- No, she didn't say anything--she smiled. -When you are looking at a pair of the most delicious lips in the -world, and see them gently break into a roguish smile--if you are -very near them, and nobody else by--you cannot better testify -your admiration of their beautiful form and colour than by -kissing them at once. My uncle did so, and I honour him for it. - -'"Hark!" cried the young lady, starting. "The noise of wheels, -and horses!" - -'"So it is," said my uncle, listening. He had a good ear for -wheels, and the trampling of hoofs; but there appeared to be so -many horses and carriages rattling towards them, from a distance, -that it was impossible to form a guess at their number. The sound -was like that of fifty brakes, with six blood cattle in each. - -'"We are pursued!" cried the young lady, clasping her hands. -"We are pursued. I have no hope but in you!" - -'There was such an expression of terror in her beautiful face, -that my uncle made up his mind at once. He lifted her into the -coach, told her not to be frightened, pressed his lips to hers once -more, and then advising her to draw up the window to keep the -cold air out, mounted to the box. - -'"Stay, love," cried the young lady. - -'"What's the matter?" said my uncle, from the coach-box. - -'"I want to speak to you," said the young lady; "only a word. -Only one word, dearest." - -'"Must I get down?" inquired my uncle. The lady made no -answer, but she smiled again. Such a smile, gentlemen! It beat -the other one, all to nothing. My uncle descended from his perch -in a twinkling. - -'"What is it, my dear?" said my uncle, looking in at the coach -window. The lady happened to bend forward at the same time, -and my uncle thought she looked more beautiful than she had -done yet. He was very close to her just then, gentlemen, so he -really ought to know. - -'"What is it, my dear?" said my uncle. - -'"Will you never love any one but me--never marry any one -beside?" said the young lady. - -'My uncle swore a great oath that he never would marry anybody -else, and the young lady drew in her head, and pulled up -the window. He jumped upon the box, squared his elbows, -adjusted the ribands, seized the whip which lay on the roof, gave -one flick to the off leader, and away went the four long-tailed, -flowing-maned black horses, at fifteen good English miles an -hour, with the old mail-coach behind them. Whew! How they -tore along! - -'The noise behind grew louder. The faster the old mail went, -the faster came the pursuers--men, horses, dogs, were leagued -in the pursuit. The noise was frightful, but, above all, rose the -voice of the young lady, urging my uncle on, and shrieking, -"Faster! Faster!" - -'They whirled past the dark trees, as feathers would be swept -before a hurricane. Houses, gates, churches, haystacks, objects of -every kind they shot by, with a velocity and noise like roaring -waters suddenly let loose. But still the noise of pursuit grew -louder, and still my uncle could hear the young lady wildly -screaming, "Faster! Faster!" - -'My uncle plied whip and rein, and the horses flew onward till -they were white with foam; and yet the noise behind increased; -and yet the young lady cried, "Faster! Faster!" My uncle gave a -loud stamp on the boot in the energy of the moment, and-- -found that it was gray morning, and he was sitting in the wheelwright's -yard, on the box of an old Edinburgh mail, shivering with -the cold and wet and stamping his feet to warm them! He got -down, and looked eagerly inside for the beautiful young lady. -Alas! There was neither door nor seat to the coach. It was a -mere shell. - -'Of course, my uncle knew very well that there was some -mystery in the matter, and that everything had passed exactly as -he used to relate it. He remained staunch to the great oath he -had sworn to the beautiful young lady, refusing several eligible -landladies on her account, and dying a bachelor at last. He -always said what a curious thing it was that he should have -found out, by such a mere accident as his clambering over the -palings, that the ghosts of mail-coaches and horses, guards, -coachmen, and passengers, were in the habit of making journeys -regularly every night. He used to add, that he believed he was the -only living person who had ever been taken as a passenger on -one of these excursions. And I think he was right, gentlemen-- -at least I never heard of any other.' - - -'I wonder what these ghosts of mail-coaches carry in their bags,' -said the landlord, who had listened to the whole story with -profound attention. - -'The dead letters, of course,' said the bagman. - -'Oh, ah! To be sure,' rejoined the landlord. 'I never thought -of that.' - - - -CHAPTER L -HOW Mr. PICKWICK SPED UPON HIS MISSION, AND HOW - HE WAS REINFORCED IN THE OUTSET BY A MOST - UNEXPECTED AUXILIARY - - -The horses were put to, punctually at a quarter before nine -next morning, and Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller having each taken -his seat, the one inside and the other out, the postillion -was duly directed to repair in the first instance to Mr. Bob -Sawyer's house, for the purpose of taking up Mr. Benjamin Allen. - -It was with feelings of no small astonishment, when the -carriage drew up before the door with the red lamp, and the very -legible inscription of 'Sawyer, late Nockemorf,' that Mr. Pickwick -saw, on popping his head out of the coach window, the boy -in the gray livery very busily employed in putting up the shutters ---the which, being an unusual and an unbusinesslike proceeding -at that hour of the morning, at once suggested to his mind two -inferences: the one, that some good friend and patient of Mr. -Bob Sawyer's was dead; the other, that Mr. Bob Sawyer himself -was bankrupt. - -'What is the matter?' said Mr. Pickwick to the boy. - -'Nothing's the matter, Sir,' replied the boy, expanding his -mouth to the whole breadth of his countenance. - -'All right, all right!' cried Bob Sawyer, suddenly appearing at -the door, with a small leathern knapsack, limp and dirty, in one -hand, and a rough coat and shawl thrown over the other arm. -'I'm going, old fellow.' - -'You!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes,' replied Bob Sawyer, 'and a regular expedition we'll make -of it. Here, Sam! Look out!' Thus briefly bespeaking Mr. Weller's -attention, Mr. Bob Sawyer jerked the leathern knapsack into -the dickey, where it was immediately stowed away, under the -seat, by Sam, who regarded the proceeding with great admiration. -This done, Mr. Bob Sawyer, with the assistance of the boy, -forcibly worked himself into the rough coat, which was a few -sizes too small for him, and then advancing to the coach window, -thrust in his head, and laughed boisterously. -'What a start it is, isn't it?' cried Bob, wiping the tears out of -his eyes, with one of the cuffs of the rough coat. - -'My dear Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, with some embarrassment, -'I had no idea of your accompanying us.' - -'No, that's just the very thing,' replied Bob, seizing Mr. Pickwick -by the lappel of his coat. 'That's the joke.' - -'Oh, that's the joke, is it?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Of course,' replied Bob. 'It's the whole point of the thing, you -know--that, and leaving the business to take care of itself, as it -seems to have made up its mind not to take care of me.' With -this explanation of the phenomenon of the shutters, Mr. Bob -Sawyer pointed to the shop, and relapsed into an ecstasy of mirth. - -'Bless me, you are surely not mad enough to think of leaving -your patients without anybody to attend them!' remonstrated -Mr. Pickwick in a very serious tone. - -'Why not?' asked Bob, in reply. 'I shall save by it, you know. -None of them ever pay. Besides,' said Bob, lowering his voice to -a confidential whisper, 'they will be all the better for it; for, -being nearly out of drugs, and not able to increase my account -just now, I should have been obliged to give them calomel all -round, and it would have been certain to have disagreed with -some of them. So it's all for the best.' - -There was a philosophy and a strength of reasoning about this -reply, which Mr. Pickwick was not prepared for. He paused a -few moments, and added, less firmly than before-- - -'But this chaise, my young friend, will only hold two; and I am -pledged to Mr. Allen.' - -'Don't think of me for a minute,' replied Bob. 'I've arranged -it all; Sam and I will share the dickey between us. Look here. -This little bill is to be wafered on the shop door: "Sawyer, late -Nockemorf. Inquire of Mrs. Cripps over the way." Mrs. Cripps -is my boy's mother. "Mr. Sawyer's very sorry," says Mrs. Cripps, -"couldn't help it--fetched away early this morning to a -consultation of the very first surgeons in the country--couldn't do -without him--would have him at any price--tremendous -operation." The fact is,' said Bob, in conclusion, 'it'll do me more -good than otherwise, I expect. If it gets into one of the local -papers, it will be the making of me. Here's Ben; now then, -jump in!' - -With these hurried words, Mr. Bob Sawyer pushed the postboy -on one side, jerked his friend into the vehicle, slammed the door, -put up the steps, wafered the bill on the street door, locked it, -put the key in his pocket, jumped into the dickey, gave the word -for starting, and did the whole with such extraordinary -precipitation, that before Mr. Pickwick had well begun to consider -whether Mr. Bob Sawyer ought to go or not, they were rolling -away, with Mr. Bob Sawyer thoroughly established as part and -parcel of the equipage. - -So long as their progress was confined to the streets of Bristol, -the facetious Bob kept his professional green spectacles on, and -conducted himself with becoming steadiness and gravity of -demeanour; merely giving utterance to divers verbal witticisms -for the exclusive behoof and entertainment of Mr. Samuel Weller. -But when they emerged on the open road, he threw off his green -spectacles and his gravity together, and performed a great variety -of practical jokes, which were calculated to attract the attention -of the passersby, and to render the carriage and those it -contained objects of more than ordinary curiosity; the least -conspicuous among these feats being a most vociferous imitation of -a key-bugle, and the ostentatious display of a crimson silk -pocket-handkerchief attached to a walking-stick, which was -occasionally waved in the air with various gestures indicative of -supremacy and defiance. - -'I wonder,' said Mr. Pickwick, stopping in the midst of a most -sedate conversation with Ben Allen, bearing reference to the -numerous good qualities of Mr. Winkle and his sister--'I wonder -what all the people we pass, can see in us to make them stare so.' - -'It's a neat turn-out,' replied Ben Allen, with something of -pride in his tone. 'They're not used to see this sort of thing, every -day, I dare say.' - -'Possibly,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'It may be so. Perhaps it is.' - -Mr. Pickwick might very probably have reasoned himself into -the belief that it really was, had he not, just then happening to -look out of the coach window, observed that the looks of the -passengers betokened anything but respectful astonishment, and -that various telegraphic communications appeared to be passing -between them and some persons outside the vehicle, whereupon -it occurred to him that these demonstrations might be, in some -remote degree, referable to the humorous deportment of Mr. -Robert Sawyer. - -'I hope,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'that our volatile friend is -committing no absurdities in that dickey behind.' - -'Oh dear, no,' replied Ben Allen. 'Except when he's elevated, -Bob's the quietest creature breathing.' - -Here a prolonged imitation of a key-bugle broke upon the ear, -succeeded by cheers and screams, all of which evidently proceeded -from the throat and lungs of the quietest creature breathing, -or in plainer designation, of Mr. Bob Sawyer himself. - -Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen looked expressively at each -other, and the former gentleman taking off his hat, and leaning -out of the coach window until nearly the whole of his waistcoat -was outside it, was at length enabled to catch a glimpse of his -facetious friend. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer was seated, not in the dickey, but on the roof -of the chaise, with his legs as far asunder as they would -conveniently go, wearing Mr. Samuel Weller's hat on one side of his -head, and bearing, in one hand, a most enormous sandwich, -while, in the other, he supported a goodly-sized case-bottle, to -both of which he applied himself with intense relish, varying the -monotony of the occupation by an occasional howl, or the -interchange of some lively badinage with any passing stranger. -The crimson flag was carefully tied in an erect position to the rail -of the dickey; and Mr. Samuel Weller, decorated with Bob -Sawyer's hat, was seated in the centre thereof, discussing a twin -sandwich, with an animated countenance, the expression of which -betokened his entire and perfect approval of the whole arrangement. - -This was enough to irritate a gentleman with Mr. Pickwick's -sense of propriety, but it was not the whole extent of the aggravation, -for a stage-coach full, inside and out, was meeting them at -the moment, and the astonishment of the passengers was very -palpably evinced. The congratulations of an Irish family, too, -who were keeping up with the chaise, and begging all the time, -were of rather a boisterous description, especially those of its -male head, who appeared to consider the display as part and -parcel of some political or other procession of triumph. - -'Mr. Sawyer!' cried Mr. Pickwick, in a state of great excitement, -'Mr. Sawyer, Sir!' - -'Hollo!' responded that gentleman, looking over the side of the -chaise with all the coolness in life. - -'Are you mad, sir?' demanded Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not a bit of it,' replied Bob; 'only cheerful.' - -'Cheerful, sir!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. 'Take down that -scandalous red handkerchief, I beg. I insist, Sir. Sam, take it down.' - -Before Sam could interpose, Mr. Bob Sawyer gracefully struck -his colours, and having put them in his pocket, nodded in a -courteous manner to Mr. Pickwick, wiped the mouth of the case- -bottle, and applied it to his own, thereby informing him, without -any unnecessary waste of words, that he devoted that draught -to wishing him all manner of happiness and prosperity. Having -done this, Bob replaced the cork with great care, and looking -benignantly down on Mr. Pickwick, took a large bite out of the -sandwich, and smiled. - -'Come,' said Mr. Pickwick, whose momentary anger was not -quite proof against Bob's immovable self-possession, 'pray let us -have no more of this absurdity.' - -'No, no,' replied Bob, once more exchanging hats with Mr. -Weller; 'I didn't mean to do it, only I got so enlivened with the -ride that I couldn't help it.' - -'Think of the look of the thing,' expostulated Mr. Pickwick; -'have some regard to appearances.' - -'Oh, certainly,' said Bob, 'it's not the sort of thing at all. All -over, governor.' - -Satisfied with this assurance, Mr. Pickwick once more drew his -head into the chaise and pulled up the glass; but he had scarcely -resumed the conversation which Mr. Bob Sawyer had interrupted, -when he was somewhat startled by the apparition of a small dark -body, of an oblong form, on the outside of the window, which -gave sundry taps against it, as if impatient of admission. - -'What's this?'exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'It looks like a case-bottle;' remarked Ben Allen, eyeing the -object in question through his spectacles with some interest; 'I -rather think it belongs to Bob.' - -The impression was perfectly accurate; for Mr. Bob Sawyer, -having attached the case-bottle to the end of the walking-stick, -was battering the window with it, in token of his wish, that his -friends inside would partake of its contents, in all good-fellowship -and harmony. - -'What's to be done?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking at the bottle. -'This proceeding is more absurd than the other.' - -'I think it would be best to take it in,' replied Mr. Ben Allen; -'it would serve him right to take it in and keep it, wouldn't it?' - -'It would,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'shall I?' - -'I think it the most proper course we could possibly adopt,' -replied Ben. - -This advice quite coinciding with his own opinion, Mr. Pickwick -gently let down the window and disengaged the bottle from -the stick; upon which the latter was drawn up, and Mr. Bob -Sawyer was heard to laugh heartily. - -'What a merry dog it is!' said Mr. Pickwick, looking round at -his companion, with the bottle in his hand. - -'He is,' said Mr. Allen. - -'You cannot possibly be angry with him,' remarked Mr. Pickwick. - -'Quite out of the question,' observed Benjamin Allen. - -During this short interchange of sentiments, Mr. Pickwick -had, in an abstracted mood, uncorked the bottle. - -'What is it?' inquired Ben Allen carelessly. - -'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, with equal carelessness. -'It smells, I think, like milk-punch.' -'Oh, indeed?' said Ben. - -'I THINK so,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, very properly guarding -himself against the possibility of stating an untruth; 'mind, I -could not undertake to say certainly, without tasting it.' - -'You had better do so,' said Ben; 'we may as well know what -it is.' - -'Do you think so?' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Well; if you are -curious to know, of course I have no objection.' - -Ever willing to sacrifice his own feelings to the wishes of his -friend, Mr. Pickwick at once took a pretty long taste. - -'What is it?' inquired Ben Allen, interrupting him with some -impatience. - -'Curious,' said Mr. Pickwick, smacking his lips, 'I hardly -know, now. Oh, yes!' said Mr. Pickwick, after a second taste. -'It IS punch.' - -Mr. Ben Allen looked at Mr. Pickwick; Mr. Pickwick looked -at Mr. Ben Allen; Mr. Ben Allen smiled; Mr. Pickwick did not. - -'It would serve him right,' said the last-named gentleman, with -some severity--'it would serve him right to drink it every drop.' - -'The very thing that occurred to me,' said Ben Allen. - -'Is it, indeed?' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. 'Then here's his -health!' With these words, that excellent person took a most -energetic pull at the bottle, and handed it to Ben Allen, who was -not slow to imitate his example. The smiles became mutual, and -the milk-punch was gradually and cheerfully disposed of. - -'After all,' said Mr. Pickwick, as he drained the last drop, 'his -pranks are really very amusing; very entertaining indeed.' - -'You may say that,' rejoined Mr. Ben Allen. In proof of Bob -Sawyer's being one of the funniest fellows alive, he proceeded to -entertain Mr. Pickwick with a long and circumstantial account -how that gentleman once drank himself into a fever and got his -head shaved; the relation of which pleasant and agreeable -history was only stopped by the stoppage of the chaise at the -Bell at Berkeley Heath, to change horses. - -'I say! We're going to dine here, aren't we?' said Bob, looking -in at the window. - -'Dine!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Why, we have only come nineteen -miles, and have eighty-seven and a half to go.' - -'Just the reason why we should take something to enable us to -bear up against the fatigue,' remonstrated Mr. Bob Sawyer. - -'Oh, it's quite impossible to dine at half-past eleven o'clock in -the day,' replied Mr. Pickwick, looking at his watch. - -'So it is,' rejoined Bob, 'lunch is the very thing. Hollo, you sir! -Lunch for three, directly; and keep the horses back for a quarter -of an hour. Tell them to put everything they have cold, on the -table, and some bottled ale, and let us taste your very best -Madeira.' Issuing these orders with monstrous importance and -bustle, Mr. Bob Sawyer at once hurried into the house to superintend -the arrangements; in less than five minutes he returned -and declared them to be excellent. - -The quality of the lunch fully justified the eulogium which -Bob had pronounced, and very great justice was done to it, not -only by that gentleman, but Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Pickwick -also. Under the auspices of the three, the bottled ale and the -Madeira were promptly disposed of; and when (the horses being -once more put to) they resumed their seats, with the case-bottle -full of the best substitute for milk-punch that could be procured -on so short a notice, the key-bugle sounded, and the red flag -waved, without the slightest opposition on Mr. Pickwick's part. - -At the Hop Pole at Tewkesbury, they stopped to dine; upon -which occasion there was more bottled ale, with some more -Madeira, and some port besides; and here the case-bottle was -replenished for the fourth time. Under the influence of these -combined stimulants, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Ben Allen fell fast -asleep for thirty miles, while Bob and Mr. Weller sang duets in -the dickey. - -It was quite dark when Mr. Pickwick roused himself sufficiently -to look out of the window. The straggling cottages by the road- -side, the dingy hue of every object visible, the murky atmosphere, -the paths of cinders and brick-dust, the deep-red glow of furnace -fires in the distance, the volumes of dense smoke issuing heavily -forth from high toppling chimneys, blackening and obscuring -everything around; the glare of distant lights, the ponderous -wagons which toiled along the road, laden with clashing rods of -iron, or piled with heavy goods--all betokened their rapid -approach to the great working town of Birmingham. - -As they rattled through the narrow thoroughfares leading to -the heart of the turmoil, the sights and sounds of earnest occupation -struck more forcibly on the senses. The streets were thronged -with working people. The hum of labour resounded from every -house; lights gleamed from the long casement windows in the -attic storeys, and the whirl of wheels and noise of machinery -shook the trembling walls. The fires, whose lurid, sullen light had -been visible for miles, blazed fiercely up, in the great works and -factories of the town. The din of hammers, the rushing of steam, -and the dead heavy clanking of engines, was the harsh music -which arose from every quarter. -The postboy was driving briskly through the open streets, and -past the handsome and well-lighted shops that intervene between -the outskirts of the town and the Old Royal Hotel, before Mr. -Pickwick had begun to consider the very difficult and delicate -nature of the commission which had carried him thither. - -The delicate nature of this commission, and the difficulty of -executing it in a satisfactory manner, were by no means lessened -by the voluntary companionship of Mr. Bob Sawyer. Truth to -tell, Mr. Pickwick felt that his presence on the occasion, however -considerate and gratifying, was by no means an honour he -would willingly have sought; in fact, he would cheerfully have -given a reasonable sum of money to have had Mr. Bob Sawyer -removed to any place at not less than fifty miles' distance, -without delay. - -Mr. Pickwick had never held any personal communication -with Mr. Winkle, senior, although he had once or twice corresponded -with him by letter, and returned satisfactory answers to -his inquiries concerning the moral character and behaviour of -his son; he felt nervously sensible that to wait upon him, for the -first time, attended by Bob Sawyer and Ben Allen, both slightly -fuddled, was not the most ingenious and likely means that could -have been hit upon to prepossess him in his favour. - -'However,' said Mr. Pickwick, endeavouring to reassure -himself, 'I must do the best I can. I must see him to-night, for I -faithfully promised to do so. If they persist in accompanying -me, I must make the interview as brief as possible, and be content -that, for their own sakes, they will not expose themselves.' - -As he comforted himself with these reflections, the chaise -stopped at the door of the Old Royal. Ben Allen having been -partially awakened from a stupendous sleep, and dragged out by -the collar by Mr. Samuel Weller, Mr. Pickwick was enabled to -alight. They were shown to a comfortable apartment, and Mr. -Pickwick at once propounded a question to the waiter concerning -the whereabout of Mr. Winkle's residence. - -'Close by, Sir,' said the waiter, 'not above five hundred yards, -Sir. Mr. Winkle is a wharfinger, Sir, at the canal, sir. Private -residence is not--oh dear, no, sir, not five hundred yards, sir.' -Here the waiter blew a candle out, and made a feint of lighting it -again, in order to afford Mr. Pickwick an opportunity of asking -any further questions, if he felt so disposed. -'Take anything now, Sir?' said the waiter, lighting the candle -in desperation at Mr. Pickwick's silence. 'Tea or coffee, Sir? -Dinner, sir?' - -'Nothing now.' - -'Very good, sir. Like to order supper, Sir?' - -'Not just now.' - -'Very good, Sir.' Here, he walked slowly to the door, and then -stopping short, turned round and said, with great suavity-- - -'Shall I send the chambermaid, gentlemen?' - -'You may if you please,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'If YOU please, sir.' - -'And bring some soda-water,' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Soda-water, Sir! Yes, Sir.' With his mind apparently relieved -from an overwhelming weight, by having at last got an order for -something, the waiter imperceptibly melted away. Waiters never -walk or run. They have a peculiar and mysterious power of -skimming out of rooms, which other mortals possess not. - -Some slight symptoms of vitality having been awakened in -Mr. Ben Allen by the soda-water, he suffered himself to be -prevailed upon to wash his face and hands, and to submit to be -brushed by Sam. Mr. Pickwick and Bob Sawyer having also -repaired the disorder which the journey had made in their -apparel, the three started forth, arm in arm, to Mr. Winkle's; -Bob Sawyer impregnating the atmosphere with tobacco smoke as -he walked along. - -About a quarter of a mile off, in a quiet, substantial-looking -street, stood an old red brick house with three steps before the -door, and a brass plate upon it, bearing, in fat Roman capitals, -the words, 'Mr. Winkle.'The steps were very white, and the bricks -were very red, and the house was very clean; and here stood -Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Benjamin Allen, and Mr. Bob Sawyer, as the -clock struck ten. - -A smart servant-girl answered the knock, and started on -beholding the three strangers. - -'Is Mr. Winkle at home, my dear?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He is just going to supper, Sir,' replied the girl. - -'Give him that card if you please,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick. -'Say I am sorry to trouble him at so late an hour; but I am -anxious to see him to-night, and have only just arrived.' -The girl looked timidly at Mr. Bob Sawyer, who was expressing -his admiration of her personal charms by a variety of wonderful -grimaces; and casting an eye at the hats and greatcoats which -hung in the passage, called another girl to mind the door while -she went upstairs. The sentinel was speedily relieved; for the girl -returned immediately, and begging pardon of the gentlemen for -leaving them in the street, ushered them into a floor-clothed back -parlour, half office and half dressing room, in which the principal -useful and ornamental articles of furniture were a desk, a wash- -hand stand and shaving-glass, a boot-rack and boot-jack, a high -stool, four chairs, a table, and an old eight-day clock. Over the -mantelpiece were the sunken doors of an iron safe, while a -couple of hanging shelves for books, an almanac, and several -files of dusty papers, decorated the walls. - -'Very sorry to leave you standing at the door, Sir,' said the -girl, lighting a lamp, and addressing Mr. Pickwick with a winning -smile, 'but you was quite strangers to me; and we have such a -many trampers that only come to see what they can lay their -hands on, that really--' - -'There is not the least occasion for any apology, my dear,' said -Mr. Pickwick good-humouredly. - -'Not the slightest, my love,' said Bob Sawyer, playfully -stretching forth his arms, and skipping from side to side, as if to -prevent the young lady's leaving the room. - -The young lady was not at all softened by these allurements, -for she at once expressed her opinion, that Mr. Bob Sawyer was -an 'odous creetur;' and, on his becoming rather more pressing in -his attentions, imprinted her fair fingers upon his face, and -bounced out of the room with many expressions of aversion and contempt. - -Deprived of the young lady's society, Mr. Bob Sawyer proceeded -to divert himself by peeping into the desk, looking into all -the table drawers, feigning to pick the lock of the iron safe, -turning the almanac with its face to the wall, trying on the boots -of Mr. Winkle, senior, over his own, and making several other -humorous experiments upon the furniture, all of which afforded -Mr. Pickwick unspeakable horror and agony, and yielded Mr. -Bob Sawyer proportionate delight. - -At length the door opened, and a little old gentleman in a -snuff-coloured suit, with a head and face the precise counterpart -of those belonging to Mr. Winkle, junior, excepting that he was -rather bald, trotted into the room with Mr. Pickwick's card in -one hand, and a silver candlestick in the other. - -'Mr. Pickwick, sir, how do you do?' said Winkle the elder, -putting down the candlestick and proffering his hand. 'Hope I -see you well, sir. Glad to see you. Be seated, Mr. Pickwick, I beg, -Sir. This gentleman is--' - -'My friend, Mr. Sawyer,' interposed Mr. Pickwick, 'your son's friend.' - -'Oh,' said Mr. Winkle the elder, looking rather grimly at Bob. -'I hope you are well, sir.' - -'Right as a trivet, sir,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'This other gentleman,' cried Mr. Pickwick, 'is, as you will see -when you have read the letter with which I am intrusted, a very -near relative, or I should rather say a very particular friend of -your son's. His name is Allen.' - -'THAT gentleman?' inquired Mr. Winkle, pointing with the card -towards Ben Allen, who had fallen asleep in an attitude which -left nothing of him visible but his spine and his coat collar. - -Mr. Pickwick was on the point of replying to the question, and -reciting Mr. Benjamin Allen's name and honourable distinctions -at full length, when the sprightly Mr. Bob Sawyer, with a view of -rousing his friend to a sense of his situation, inflicted a startling -pinch upon the fleshly part of his arm, which caused him to jump -up with a shriek. Suddenly aware that he was in the presence of -a stranger, Mr. Ben Allen advanced and, shaking Mr. Winkle -most affectionately by both hands for about five minutes, -murmured, in some half-intelligible fragments of sentences, the -great delight he felt in seeing him, and a hospitable inquiry -whether he felt disposed to take anything after his walk, or -would prefer waiting 'till dinner-time;' which done, he sat down -and gazed about him with a petrified stare, as if he had not the -remotest idea where he was, which indeed he had not. - -All this was most embarrassing to Mr. Pickwick, the more -especially as Mr. Winkle, senior, evinced palpable astonishment -at the eccentric--not to say extraordinary--behaviour of his two -companions. To bring the matter to an issue at once, he drew a -letter from his pocket, and presenting it to Mr. Winkle, senior, said-- - -'This letter, Sir, is from your son. You will see, by its contents, -that on your favourable and fatherly consideration of it, depend -his future happiness and welfare. Will you oblige me by giving it -the calmest and coolest perusal, and by discussing the subject -afterwards with me, in the tone and spirit in which alone it ought -to be discussed? You may judge of the importance of your -decision to your son, and his intense anxiety upon the subject, by -my waiting upon you, without any previous warning, at so late -an hour; and,' added Mr. Pickwick, glancing slightly at his two -companions--'and under such unfavourable circumstances.' - -With this prelude, Mr. Pickwick placed four closely-written -sides of extra superfine wire-wove penitence in the hands of the -astounded Mr. Winkle, senior. Then reseating himself in his chair, -he watched his looks and manner: anxiously, it is true, but with -the open front of a gentleman who feels he has taken no part -which he need excuse or palliate. -The old wharfinger turned the letter over, looked at the front, -back, and sides, made a microscopic examination of the fat little -boy on the seal, raised his eyes to Mr. Pickwick's face, and then, -seating himself on the high stool, and drawing the lamp closer to -him, broke the wax, unfolded the epistle, and lifting it to the -light, prepared to read. -Just at this moment, Mr. Bob Sawyer, whose wit had lain -dormant for some minutes, placed his hands on his knees, and -made a face after the portraits of the late Mr. Grimaldi, as clown. -It so happened that Mr. Winkle, senior, instead of being deeply -engaged in reading the letter, as Mr. Bob Sawyer thought, -chanced to be looking over the top of it at no less a person than -Mr. Bob Sawyer himself; rightly conjecturing that the face aforesaid -was made in ridicule and derision of his own person, he -fixed his eyes on Bob with such expressive sternness, that the late -Mr. Grimaldi's lineaments gradually resolved themselves into a -very fine expression of humility and confusion. - -'Did you speak, Sir?' inquired Mr. Winkle, senior, after an -awful silence. - -'No, sir,' replied Bob, With no remains of the clown about him, -save and except the extreme redness of his cheeks. - -'You are sure you did not, sir?' said Mr. Winkle, senior. - -'Oh dear, yes, sir, quite,' replied Bob. - -'I thought you did, Sir,' replied the old gentleman, with -indignant emphasis. 'Perhaps you LOOKED at me, sir?' - -'Oh, no! sir, not at all,' replied Bob, with extreme civility. - -'I am very glad to hear it, sir,' said Mr. Winkle, senior. Having -frowned upon the abashed Bob with great magnificence, the old -gentleman again brought the letter to the light, and began to -read it seriously. - -Mr. Pickwick eyed him intently as he turned from the bottom -line of the first page to the top line of the second, and from the -bottom of the second to the top of the third, and from the -bottom of the third to the top of the fourth; but not the slightest -alteration of countenance afforded a clue to the feelings with -which he received the announcement of his son's marriage, which -Mr. Pickwick knew was in the very first half-dozen lines. - -He read the letter to the last word, folded it again with all the -carefulness and precision of a man of business, and, just when -Mr. Pickwick expected some great outbreak of feeling, dipped a -pen in the ink-stand, and said, as quietly as if he were speaking -on the most ordinary counting-house topic-- - -'What is Nathaniel's address, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'The George and Vulture, at present,' replied that gentleman. - -'George and Vulture. Where is that?' - -'George Yard, Lombard Street.' - -'In the city?' - -'Yes.' - -The old gentleman methodically indorsed the address on the -back of the letter; and then, placing it in the desk, which he -locked, said, as he got off the stool and put the bunch of keys in -his pocket-- - -'I suppose there is nothing else which need detain us, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'Nothing else, my dear Sir!' observed that warm-hearted -person in indignant amazement. 'Nothing else! Have you no -opinion to express on this momentous event in our young friend's -life? No assurance to convey to him, through me, of the -continuance of your affection and protection? Nothing to say which -will cheer and sustain him, and the anxious girl who looks to him -for comfort and support? My dear Sir, consider.' - -'I will consider,' replied the old gentleman. 'I have nothing to -say just now. I am a man of business, Mr. Pickwick. I never -commit myself hastily in any affair, and from what I see of this, -I by no means like the appearance of it. A thousand pounds is -not much, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'You're very right, Sir,' interposed Ben Allen, just awake -enough to know that he had spent his thousand pounds without -the smallest difficulty. 'You're an intelligent man. Bob, he's a -very knowing fellow this.' - -'I am very happy to find that you do me the justice to make the -admission, sir,' said Mr. Winkle, senior, looking contemptuously -at Ben Allen, who was shaking his head profoundly. 'The fact is, -Mr. Pickwick, that when I gave my son a roving license for a -year or so, to see something of men and manners (which he has -done under your auspices), so that he might not enter life a mere -boarding-school milk-sop to be gulled by everybody, I never -bargained for this. He knows that very well, so if I withdraw my -countenance from him on this account, he has no call to be -surprised. He shall hear from me, Mr. Pickwick. Good-night, sir. ---Margaret, open the door.' - -All this time, Bob Sawyer had been nudging Mr. Ben Allen to -say something on the right side; Ben accordingly now burst, -without the slightest preliminary notice, into a brief but -impassioned piece of eloquence. - -'Sir,' said Mr. Ben Allen, staring at the old gentleman, out of a -pair of very dim and languid eyes, and working his right arm -vehemently up and down, 'you--you ought to be ashamed of -yourself.' - -'As the lady's brother, of course you are an excellent judge of -the question,' retorted Mr. Winkle, senior. 'There; that's -enough. Pray say no more, Mr. Pickwick. Good-night, gentlemen!' - -With these words the old gentleman took up the candle-stick -and opening the room door, politely motioned towards the passage. - -'You will regret this, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, setting his teeth -close together to keep down his choler; for he felt how -important the effect might prove to his young friend. - -'I am at present of a different opinion,' calmly replied Mr. -Winkle, senior. 'Once again, gentlemen, I wish you a good-night.' - -Mr. Pickwick walked with angry strides into the street. Mr. -Bob Sawyer, completely quelled by the decision of the old gentleman's -manner, took the same course. Mr. Ben Allen's hat rolled -down the steps immediately afterwards, and Mr. Ben Allen's -body followed it directly. The whole party went silent and supperless -to bed; and Mr. Pickwick thought, just before he fell asleep, -that if he had known Mr. Winkle, senior, had been quite so much -of a man of business, it was extremely probable he might never -have waited upon him, on such an errand. - - - -CHAPTER LI -IN WHICH Mr. PICKWICK ENCOUNTERS AN OLD - ACQUAINTANCE--TO WHICH FORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCE - THE READER IS MAINLY INDEBTED FOR MATTER OF - THRILLING INTEREST HEREIN SET DOWN, CONCERNING - TWO GREAT PUBLIC MEN OF MIGHT AND POWER - - -The morning which broke upon Mr. Pickwick's sight at eight -o'clock, was not at all calculated to elevate his spirits, or -to lessen the depression which the unlooked-for result of his -embassy inspired. The sky was dark and gloomy, the air was damp -and raw, the streets were wet and sloppy. The smoke hung sluggishly -above the chimney-tops as if it lacked the courage to rise, and -the rain came slowly and doggedly down, as if it had not even the -spirit to pour. A game-cock in the stableyard, deprived of every -spark of his accustomed animation, balanced himself dismally on -one leg in a corner; a donkey, moping with drooping head under the -narrow roof of an outhouse, appeared from his meditative and -miserable countenance to be contemplating suicide. In the -street, umbrellas were the only things to be seen, and the -clicking of pattens and splashing of rain-drops were the only -sounds to be heard. - -The breakfast was interrupted by very little conversation; even -Mr. Bob Sawyer felt the influence of the weather, and the previous -day's excitement. In his own expressive language he was 'floored.' -So was Mr. Ben Allen. So was Mr. Pickwick. - -In protracted expectation of the weather clearing up, the last -evening paper from London was read and re-read with an -intensity of interest only known in cases of extreme destitution; -every inch of the carpet was walked over with similar perseverance; -the windows were looked out of, often enough to justify -the imposition of an additional duty upon them; all kinds of -topics of conversation were started, and failed; and at length -Mr. Pickwick, when noon had arrived, without a change for the -better, rang the bell resolutely, and ordered out the chaise. - -Although the roads were miry, and the drizzling rain came -down harder than it had done yet, and although the mud and wet -splashed in at the open windows of the carriage to such an -extent that the discomfort was almost as great to the pair of -insides as to the pair of outsides, still there was something in the -motion, and the sense of being up and doing, which was so -infinitely superior to being pent in a dull room, looking at the -dull rain dripping into a dull street, that they all agreed, on -starting, that the change was a great improvement, and wondered -how they could possibly have delayed making it as long as they -had done. - -When they stopped to change at Coventry, the steam ascended -from the horses in such clouds as wholly to obscure the hostler, -whose voice was however heard to declare from the mist, that he -expected the first gold medal from the Humane Society on their -next distribution of rewards, for taking the postboy's hat off; the -water descending from the brim of which, the invisible gentleman -declared, must have drowned him (the postboy), but for his -great presence of mind in tearing it promptly from his head, and -drying the gasping man's countenance with a wisp of straw. - -'This is pleasant,' said Bob Sawyer, turning up his coat collar, -and pulling the shawl over his mouth to concentrate the fumes of -a glass of brandy just swallowed. - -'Wery,' replied Sam composedly. - -'You don't seem to mind it,' observed Bob. - -'Vy, I don't exactly see no good my mindin' on it 'ud do, sir,' -replied Sam. - -'That's an unanswerable reason, anyhow,' said Bob. - -'Yes, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Wotever is, is right, as the -young nobleman sweetly remarked wen they put him down in the -pension list 'cos his mother's uncle's vife's grandfather vunce lit -the king's pipe vith a portable tinder-box.' -'Not a bad notion that, Sam,' said Mr. Bob Sawyer approvingly. - -, Just wot the young nobleman said ev'ry quarter-day arterwards -for the rest of his life,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'Wos you ever called in,' inquired Sam, glancing at the driver, -after a short silence, and lowering his voice to a mysterious -whisper--'wos you ever called in, when you wos 'prentice to a -sawbones, to wisit a postboy.' - -'I don't remember that I ever was,' replied Bob Sawyer. - -'You never see a postboy in that 'ere hospital as you WALKED -(as they says o' the ghosts), did you?' demanded Sam. - -'No,' replied Bob Sawyer. 'I don't think I ever did.' - -'Never know'd a churchyard were there wos a postboy's -tombstone, or see a dead postboy, did you?' inquired Sam, -pursuing his catechism. - -'No,' rejoined Bob, 'I never did.' - -'No!' rejoined Sam triumphantly. 'Nor never vill; and there's -another thing that no man never see, and that's a dead donkey. -No man never see a dead donkey 'cept the gen'l'm'n in the black -silk smalls as know'd the young 'ooman as kep' a goat; and that -wos a French donkey, so wery likely he warn't wun o' the reg'lar breed.' - -'Well, what has that got to do with the postboys?' asked Bob Sawyer. - -'This here,' replied Sam. 'Without goin' so far as to as-sert, as -some wery sensible people do, that postboys and donkeys is both -immortal, wot I say is this: that wenever they feels theirselves -gettin' stiff and past their work, they just rides off together, wun -postboy to a pair in the usual way; wot becomes on 'em nobody -knows, but it's wery probable as they starts avay to take their -pleasure in some other vorld, for there ain't a man alive as ever -see either a donkey or a postboy a-takin' his pleasure in this!' - -Expatiating upon this learned and remarkable theory, and -citing many curious statistical and other facts in its support, Sam -Weller beguiled the time until they reached Dunchurch, where a -dry postboy and fresh horses were procured; the next stage was -Daventry, and the next Towcester; and at the end of each stage -it rained harder than it had done at the beginning. - -'I say,' remonstrated Bob Sawyer, looking in at the coach -window, as they pulled up before the door of the Saracen's Head, -Towcester, 'this won't do, you know.' - -'Bless me!' said Mr. Pickwick, just awakening from a nap, 'I'm -afraid you're wet.' - -'Oh, you are, are you?' returned Bob. 'Yes, I am, a little that -way, Uncomfortably damp, perhaps.' - -Bob did look dampish, inasmuch as the rain was streaming -from his neck, elbows, cuffs, skirts, and knees; and his whole -apparel shone so with the wet, that it might have been mistaken -for a full suit of prepared oilskin. - -'I AM rather wet,' said Bob, giving himself a shake and casting -a little hydraulic shower around, like a Newfoundland dog just -emerged from the water. - -'I think it's quite impossible to go on to-night,' interposed Ben. - -'Out of the question, sir,' remarked Sam Weller, coming to -assist in the conference; 'it's a cruelty to animals, sir, to ask 'em -to do it. There's beds here, sir,' said Sam, addressing his master, -'everything clean and comfortable. Wery good little dinner, sir, -they can get ready in half an hour--pair of fowls, sir, and a weal -cutlet; French beans, 'taturs, tart, and tidiness. You'd better -stop vere you are, sir, if I might recommend. Take adwice, sir, -as the doctor said.' - -The host of the Saracen's Head opportunely appeared at this -moment, to confirm Mr. Weller's statement relative to the -accommodations of the establishment, and to back his entreaties -with a variety of dismal conjectures regarding the state of the -roads, the doubt of fresh horses being to be had at the next stage, -the dead certainty of its raining all night, the equally mortal -certainty of its clearing up in the morning, and other topics of -inducement familiar to innkeepers. - -'Well,' said Mr. Pickwick; 'but I must send a letter to London -by some conveyance, so that it may be delivered the very first -thing in the morning, or I must go forwards at all hazards.' - -The landlord smiled his delight. Nothing could be easier than -for the gentleman to inclose a letter in a sheet of brown paper, -and send it on, either by the mail or the night coach from -Birmingham. If the gentleman were particularly anxious to have -it left as soon as possible, he might write outside, 'To be delivered -immediately,' which was sure to be attended to; or 'Pay the -bearer half-a-crown extra for instant delivery,' which was surer still. - -'Very well,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'then we will stop here.' - -'Lights in the Sun, John; make up the fire; the gentlemen are -wet!' cried the landlord. 'This way, gentlemen; don't trouble -yourselves about the postboy now, sir. I'll send him to you when -you ring for him, sir. Now, John, the candles.' - -The candles were brought, the fire was stirred up, and a -fresh log of wood thrown on. In ten minutes' time, a waiter -was laying the cloth for dinner, the curtains were drawn, the fire -was blazing brightly, and everything looked (as everything -always does, in all decent English inns) as if the travellers had -been expected, and their comforts prepared, for days beforehand. - -Mr. Pickwick sat down at a side table, and hastily indited a -note to Mr. Winkle, merely informing him that he was detained -by stress of weather, but would certainly be in London next day; -until when he deferred any account of his proceedings. This note -was hastily made into a parcel, and despatched to the bar per -Mr. Samuel Weller. - -Sam left it with the landlady, and was returning to pull his -master's boots off, after drying himself by the kitchen fire, when -glancing casually through a half-opened door, he was arrested by -the sight of a gentleman with a sandy head who had a large -bundle of newspapers lying on the table before him, and was -perusing the leading article of one with a settled sneer which -curled up his nose and all other features into a majestic expression -of haughty contempt. - -'Hollo!' said Sam, 'I ought to know that 'ere head and them -features; the eyeglass, too, and the broad-brimmed tile! Eatansvill -to vit, or I'm a Roman.' - -Sam was taken with a troublesome cough, at once, for the -purpose of attracting the gentleman's attention; the gentleman -starting at the sound, raised his head and his eyeglass, and -disclosed to view the profound and thoughtful features of Mr. -Pott, of the Eatanswill GAZETTE. - -'Beggin' your pardon, sir,' said Sam, advancing with a bow, -'my master's here, Mr. Pott.' - -'Hush! hush!' cried Pott, drawing Sam into the room, and -closing the door, with a countenance of mysterious dread and -apprehension. - -'Wot's the matter, Sir?' inquired Sam, looking vacantly about him. - -'Not a whisper of my name,' replied Pott; 'this is a buff -neighbourhood. If the excited and irritable populace knew I was -here, I should be torn to pieces.' - -'No! Vould you, sir?' inquired Sam. - -'I should be the victim of their fury,' replied Pott. 'Now -young man, what of your master?' - -'He's a-stopping here to-night on his vay to town, with a -couple of friends,' replied Sam. - -'Is Mr. Winkle one of them?' inquired Pott, with a slight frown. - -'No, Sir. Mr. Vinkle stops at home now,' rejoined Sam. 'He's -married.' - -'Married!' exclaimed Pott, with frightful vehemence. He -stopped, smiled darkly, and added, in a low, vindictive tone, 'It -serves him right!' -Having given vent to this cruel ebullition of deadly malice and -cold-blooded triumph over a fallen enemy, Mr. Pott inquired -whether Mr. Pickwick's friends were 'blue?' Receiving a most -satisfactory answer in the affirmative from Sam, who knew as -much about the matter as Pott himself, he consented to accompany -him to Mr. Pickwick's room, where a hearty welcome -awaited him, and an agreement to club their dinners together was -at once made and ratified. - -'And how are matters going on in Eatanswill?' inquired Mr. -Pickwick, when Pott had taken a seat near the fire, and the whole -party had got their wet boots off, and dry slippers on. 'Is the -INDEPENDENT still in being?' - -'The INDEPENDENT, sir,' replied Pott, 'is still dragging on a wretched -and lingering career. Abhorred and despised by even the few -who are cognisant of its miserable and disgraceful existence, stifled -by the very filth it so profusely scatters, rendered deaf and blind -by the exhalations of its own slime, the obscene journal, happily -unconscious of its degraded state, is rapidly sinking beneath that -treacherous mud which, while it seems to give it a firm standing -with the low and debased classes of society, is nevertheless rising -above its detested head, and will speedily engulf it for ever.' - -Having delivered this manifesto (which formed a portion of his -last week's leader) with vehement articulation, the editor paused -to take breath, and looked majestically at Bob Sawyer. - -'You are a young man, sir,' said Pott. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer nodded. - -'So are you, sir,' said Pott, addressing Mr. Ben Allen. - -Ben admitted the soft impeachment. - -'And are both deeply imbued with those blue principles, -which, so long as I live, I have pledged myself to the people of -these kingdoms to support and to maintain?' suggested Pott. - -'Why, I don't exactly know about that,' replied Bob Sawyer. -'I am--' - -'Not buff, Mr. Pickwick,' interrupted Pott, drawing back his -chair, 'your friend is not buff, sir?' - -'No, no,' rejoined Bob, 'I'm a kind of plaid at present; a -compound of all sorts of colours.' - -'A waverer,' said Pott solemnly, 'a waverer. I should like to -show you a series of eight articles, Sir, that have appeared in the -Eatanswill GAZETTE. I think I may venture to say that you would -not be long in establishing your opinions on a firm and solid -blue basis, sir.' -'I dare say I should turn very blue, long before I got to the end -of them,' responded Bob. - -Mr. Pott looked dubiously at Bob Sawyer for some seconds, -and, turning to Mr. Pickwick, said-- - -'You have seen the literary articles which have appeared at -intervals in the Eatanswill GAZETTE in the course of the last three -months, and which have excited such general--I may say such -universal--attention and admiration?' - -'Why,' replied Mr. Pickwick, slightly embarrassed by the -question, 'the fact is, I have been so much engaged in other ways, -that I really have not had an opportunity of perusing them.' - -'You should do so, Sir,' said Pott, with a severe countenance. - -'I will,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'They appeared in the form of a copious review of a work on -Chinese metaphysics, Sir,' said Pott. - -'Oh,' observed Mr. Pickwick; 'from your pen, I hope?' - -'From the pen of my critic, Sir,' rejoined Pott, with dignity. - -'An abstruse subject, I should conceive,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Very, Sir,' responded Pott, looking intensely sage. 'He -CRAMMED for it, to use a technical but expressive term; he read up -for the subject, at my desire, in the "Encyclopaedia Britannica." ' - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'I was not aware that that -valuable work contained any information respecting Chinese -metaphysics.' - -'He read, Sir,' rejoined Pott, laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick's -knee, and looking round with a smile of intellectual superiority ---'he read for metaphysics under the letter M, and for China -under the letter C, and combined his information, Sir!' - -Mr. Pott's features assumed so much additional grandeur at -the recollection of the power and research displayed in the -learned effusions in question, that some minutes elapsed before -Mr. Pickwick felt emboldened to renew the conversation; at -length, as the editor's countenance gradually relaxed into its -customary expression of moral supremacy, he ventured to -resume the discourse by asking-- - -'Is it fair to inquire what great object has brought you so far -from home?' - -'That object which actuates and animates me in all my gigantic -labours, Sir,' replied Pott, with a calm smile: 'my country's good.' -'I supposed it was some public mission,' observed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, Sir,' resumed Pott, 'it is.' Here, bending towards Mr. -Pickwick, he whispered in a deep, hollow voice, 'A Buff ball, Sir, -will take place in Birmingham to-morrow evening.' - -'God bless me!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes, Sir, and supper,' added Pott. - -'You don't say so!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick. - -Pott nodded portentously. - -Now, although Mr. Pickwick feigned to stand aghast at this -disclosure, he was so little versed in local politics that he was -unable to form an adequate comprehension of the importance of -the dire conspiracy it referred to; observing which, Mr. Pott, -drawing forth the last number of the Eatanswill GAZETTE, and -referring to the same, delivered himself of the following paragraph:-- - - - HOLE-AND-CORNER BUFFERY. - - -'A reptile contemporary has recently sweltered forth his black -venom in the vain and hopeless attempt of sullying the fair name -of our distinguished and excellent representative, the Honourable -Mr. Slumkey--that Slumkey whom we, long before he gained -his present noble and exalted position, predicted would one day -be, as he now is, at once his country's brightest honour, and her -proudest boast: alike her bold defender and her honest pride-- -our reptile contemporary, we say, has made himself merry, at the -expense of a superbly embossed plated coal-scuttle, which has -been presented to that glorious man by his enraptured -constituents, and towards the purchase of which, the nameless -wretch insinuates, the Honourable Mr. Slumkey himself -contributed, through a confidential friend of his butler's, more than -three-fourths of the whole sum subscribed. Why, does not the -crawling creature see, that even if this be the fact, the Honourable -Mr. Slumkey only appears in a still more amiable and radiant -light than before, if that be possible? Does not even his obtuseness -perceive that this amiable and touching desire to carry out -the wishes of the constituent body, must for ever endear him to -the hearts and souls of such of his fellow townsmen as are not -worse than swine; or, in other words, who are not as debased as -our contemporary himself? But such is the wretched trickery of -hole-and-corner Buffery! These are not its only artifices. Treason -is abroad. We boldly state, now that we are goaded to the -disclosure, and we throw ourselves on the country and its constables -for protection--we boldly state that secret preparations are at -this moment in progress for a Buff ball; which is to be held in a -Buff town, in the very heart and centre of a Buff population; -which is to be conducted by a Buff master of the ceremonies; -which is to be attended by four ultra Buff members of Parliament, -and the admission to which, is to be by Buff tickets! Does our -fiendish contemporary wince? Let him writhe, in impotent -malice, as we pen the words, WE WILL BE THERE.' - - -'There, Sir,' said Pott, folding up the paper quite exhausted, 'that -is the state of the case!' - -The landlord and waiter entering at the moment with dinner, -caused Mr. Pott to lay his finger on his lips, in token that he -considered his life in Mr. Pickwick's hands, and depended on his -secrecy. Messrs. Bob Sawyer and Benjamin Allen, who had -irreverently fallen asleep during the reading of the quotation -from the Eatanswill GAZETTE, and the discussion which followed -it, were roused by the mere whispering of the talismanic word -'Dinner' in their ears; and to dinner they went with good -digestion waiting on appetite, and health on both, and a waiter -on all three. - -In the course of the dinner and the sitting which succeeded it, -Mr. Pott descending, for a few moments, to domestic topics, -informed Mr. Pickwick that the air of Eatanswill not agreeing -with his lady, she was then engaged in making a tour of different -fashionable watering-places with a view to the recovery of her -wonted health and spirits; this was a delicate veiling of the fact -that Mrs. Pott, acting upon her often-repeated threat of separation, -had, in virtue of an arrangement negotiated by her brother, -the lieutenant, and concluded by Mr. Pott, permanently retired -with the faithful bodyguard upon one moiety or half part of the -annual income and profits arising from the editorship and sale of -the Eatanswill GAZETTE. - -While the great Mr. Pott was dwelling upon this and other -matters, enlivening the conversation from time to time with -various extracts from his own lucubrations, a stern stranger, -calling from the window of a stage-coach, outward bound, -which halted at the inn to deliver packages, requested to know -whether if he stopped short on his journey and remained there -for the night, he could be furnished with the necessary accommodation -of a bed and bedstead. - -'Certainly, sir,' replied the landlord. - -'I can, can I?' inquired the stranger, who seemed habitually -suspicious in look and manner. - -'No doubt of it, Sir,' replied the landlord. - -'Good,' said the stranger. 'Coachman, I get down here. -Guard, my carpet-bag!' - -Bidding the other passengers good-night, in a rather snappish -manner, the stranger alighted. He was a shortish gentleman, with -very stiff black hair cut in the porcupine or blacking-brush style, -and standing stiff and straight all over his head; his aspect was -pompous and threatening; his manner was peremptory; his eyes -were sharp and restless; and his whole bearing bespoke a feeling -of great confidence in himself, and a consciousness of immeasurable -superiority over all other people. - -This gentleman was shown into the room originally assigned -to the patriotic Mr. Pott; and the waiter remarked, in dumb -astonishment at the singular coincidence, that he had no sooner -lighted the candles than the gentleman, diving into his hat, drew -forth a newspaper, and began to read it with the very same -expression of indignant scorn, which, upon the majestic features -of Pott, had paralysed his energies an hour before. The man -observed too, that, whereas Mr. Pott's scorn had been roused by -a newspaper headed the Eatanswill INDEPENDENT, this gentleman's -withering contempt was awakened by a newspaper entitled the -Eatanswill GAZETTE. - -'Send the landlord,' said the stranger. - -'Yes, sir,' rejoined the waiter. - -The landlord was sent, and came. - -'Are you the landlord?' inquired the gentleman. - -'I am sir,' replied the landlord. - -'My name is Slurk,' said the gentleman. - -The landlord slightly inclined his head. - -'Slurk, sir,' repeated the gentleman haughtily. 'Do you know -me now, man?' - -The landlord scratched his head, looked at the ceiling, and at -the stranger, and smiled feebly. - -'Do you know me, man?' inquired the stranger angrily. - -The landlord made a strong effort, and at length replied, - -'Well, Sir, I do not know you.' - -'Great Heaven!' said the stranger, dashing his clenched fist -upon the table. 'And this is popularity!' - -The landlord took a step or two towards the door; the stranger -fixing his eyes upon him, resumed. - -'This,' said the stranger--'this is gratitude for years of labour -and study in behalf of the masses. I alight wet and weary; no -enthusiastic crowds press forward to greet their champion; the -church bells are silent; the very name elicits no responsive -feeling in their torpid bosoms. It is enough,' said the agitated -Mr. Slurk, pacing to and fro, 'to curdle the ink in one's pen, and -induce one to abandon their cause for ever.' - -'Did you say brandy-and-water, Sir?' said the landlord, -venturing a hint. - -'Rum,' said Mr. Slurk, turning fiercely upon him. 'Have you -got a fire anywhere?' - -'We can light one directly, Sir,' said the landlord. - -'Which will throw out no heat until it is bed-time,' interrupted -Mr. Slurk. 'Is there anybody in the kitchen?' - -Not a soul. There was a beautiful fire. Everybody had gone, -and the house door was closed for the night. - -'I will drink my rum-and-water,' said Mr. Slurk, 'by the -kitchen fire.' So, gathering up his hat and newspaper, he stalked -solemnly behind the landlord to that humble apartment, -and throwing himself on a settle by the fireside, resumed his -countenance of scorn, and began to read and drink in silent dignity. - -Now, some demon of discord, flying over the Saracen's -Head at that moment, on casting down his eyes in mere idle -curiosity, happened to behold Slurk established comfortably -by the kitchen fire, and Pott slightly elevated with wine -in another room; upon which the malicious demon, darting -down into the last-mentioned apartment with inconceivable -rapidity, passed at once into the head of Mr. Bob Sawyer, and -prompted him for his (the demon's) own evil purpose to speak -as follows:-- - -'I say, we've let the fire out. It's uncommonly cold after the -rain, isn't it?' - -'It really is,' replied Mr. Pickwick, shivering. - -'It wouldn't be a bad notion to have a cigar by the kitchen fire, -would it?' said Bob Sawyer, still prompted by the demon aforesaid. - -'It would be particularly comfortable, I think,' replied Mr. -Pickwick. 'Mr. Pott, what do you say?' - -Mr. Pott yielded a ready assent; and all four travellers, each -with his glass in his hand, at once betook themselves to the -kitchen, with Sam Weller heading the procession to show them -the way. - -The stranger was still reading; he looked up and started. -Mr. Pott started. - -'What's the matter?' whispered Mr. Pickwick. - -'That reptile!' replied Pott. - -'What reptile?' said Mr. Pickwick, looking about him for fear -he should tread on some overgrown black beetle, or dropsical spider. - -'That reptile,' whispered Pott, catching Mr. Pickwick by the -arm, and pointing towards the stranger. 'That reptile Slurk, of -the INDEPENDENT!' - -'Perhaps we had better retire,' whispered Mr. Pickwick. - -'Never, Sir,' rejoined Pott, pot-valiant in a double sense-- -'never.' With these words, Mr. Pott took up his position on an -opposite settle, and selecting one from a little bundle of newspapers, -began to read against his enemy. - -Mr. Pott, of course read the INDEPENDENT, and Mr. Slurk, of -course, read the GAZETTE; and each gentleman audibly expressed -his contempt at the other's compositions by bitter laughs and -sarcastic sniffs; whence they proceeded to more open expressions -of opinion, such as 'absurd,' 'wretched,' 'atrocity,' 'humbug,' -'knavery', 'dirt,' 'filth,' 'slime,' 'ditch-water,' and other critical -remarks of the like nature. - -Both Mr. Bob Sawyer and Mr. Ben Allen had beheld these -symptoms of rivalry and hatred, with a degree of delight which -imparted great additional relish to the cigars at which they were -puffing most vigorously. The moment they began to flag, the -mischievous Mr. Bob Sawyer, addressing Slurk with great -politeness, said-- - -'Will you allow me to look at your paper, Sir, when you have -quite done with it?' - -'You will find very little to repay you for your trouble in this -contemptible THING, sir,' replied Slurk, bestowing a Satanic frown -on Pott. - -'You shall have this presently,' said Pott, looking up, pale -with rage, and quivering in his speech, from the same cause. -'Ha! ha! you will be amused with this FELLOW'S audacity.' - -Terrible emphasis was laid upon 'thing' and 'fellow'; and the -faces of both editors began to glow with defiance. - -'The ribaldry of this miserable man is despicably disgusting,' -said Pott, pretending to address Bob Sawyer, and scowling upon Slurk. -Here, Mr. Slurk laughed very heartily, and folding up the -paper so as to get at a fresh column conveniently, said, that the -blockhead really amused him. - -'What an impudent blunderer this fellow is,' said Pott, turning -from pink to crimson. - -'Did you ever read any of this man's foolery, Sir?' inquired -Slurk of Bob Sawyer. - -'Never,' replied Bob; 'is it very bad?' - -'Oh, shocking! shocking!' rejoined Slurk. - -'Really! Dear me, this is too atrocious!' exclaimed Pott, at this -juncture; still feigning to be absorbed in his reading. - -'If you can wade through a few sentences of malice, meanness, -falsehood, perjury, treachery, and cant,' said Slurk, handing the -paper to Bob, 'you will, perhaps, be somewhat repaid by a laugh -at the style of this ungrammatical twaddler.' - -'What's that you said, Sir?' inquired Mr. Pott, looking up, -trembling all over with passion. - -'What's that to you, sir?' replied Slurk. - -'Ungrammatical twaddler, was it, sir?' said Pott. - -'Yes, sir, it was,' replied Slurk; 'and BLUE BORE, Sir, if you like -that better; ha! ha!' - -Mr. Pott retorted not a word at this jocose insult, but deliberately -folded up his copy of the INDEPENDENT, flattened it carefully -down, crushed it beneath his boot, spat upon it with great -ceremony, and flung it into the fire. - -'There, sir,' said Pott, retreating from the stove, 'and that's the -way I would serve the viper who produces it, if I were not, -fortunately for him, restrained by the laws of my country.' - -'Serve him so, sir!' cried Slurk, starting up. 'Those laws shall -never be appealed to by him, sir, in such a case. Serve him so, sir!' - -'Hear! hear!' said Bob Sawyer. - -'Nothing can be fairer,' observed Mr. Ben Allen. - -'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a loud voice. - -Mr. Pott darted a look of contempt, which might have -withered an anchor. - -'Serve him so, sir!' reiterated Slurk, in a louder voice -than before. - -'I will not, sir,' rejoined Pott. - -'Oh, you won't, won't you, sir?' said Mr. Slurk, in a taunting -manner; 'you hear this, gentlemen! He won't; not that he's -afraid--, oh, no! he WON'T. Ha! ha!' - -'I consider you, sir,' said Mr. Pott, moved by this sarcasm, 'I -consider you a viper. I look upon you, sir, as a man who has -placed himself beyond the pale of society, by his most audacious, -disgraceful, and abominable public conduct. I view you, sir, -personally and politically, in no other light than as a most -unparalleled and unmitigated viper.' - -The indignant Independent did not wait to hear the end of this -personal denunciation; for, catching up his carpet-bag, which -was well stuffed with movables, he swung it in the air as Pott -turned away, and, letting it fall with a circular sweep on his head, -just at that particular angle of the bag where a good thick -hairbrush happened to be packed, caused a sharp crash to be -heard throughout the kitchen, and brought him at once to the ground. - -'Gentlemen,' cried Mr. Pickwick, as Pott started up and seized -the fire-shovel--'gentlemen! Consider, for Heaven's sake--help ---Sam--here--pray, gentlemen--interfere, somebody.' - -Uttering these incoherent exclamations, Mr. Pickwick rushed -between the infuriated combatants just in time to receive the -carpet-bag on one side of his body, and the fire-shovel on the -other. Whether the representatives of the public feeling of -Eatanswill were blinded by animosity, or (being both acute -reasoners) saw the advantage of having a third party between -them to bear all the blows, certain it is that they paid not the -slightest attention to Mr. Pickwick, but defying each other with -great spirit, plied the carpet-bag and the fire-shovel most -fearlessly. Mr. Pickwick would unquestionably have suffered severely -for his humane interference, if Mr. Weller, attracted by his -master's cries, had not rushed in at the moment, and, snatching -up a meal--sack, effectually stopped the conflict by drawing it over -the head and shoulders of the mighty Pott, and clasping him -tight round the shoulders. - -'Take away that 'ere bag from the t'other madman,' said Sam -to Ben Allen and Bob Sawyer, who had done nothing but dodge -round the group, each with a tortoise-shell lancet in his hand, -ready to bleed the first man stunned. 'Give it up, you wretched -little creetur, or I'll smother you in it.' - -Awed by these threats, and quite out of breath, the INDEPENDENT -suffered himself to be disarmed; and Mr. Weller, removing the -extinguisher from Pott, set him free with a caution. - -'You take yourselves off to bed quietly,' said Sam, 'or I'll put -you both in it, and let you fight it out vith the mouth tied, as I -vould a dozen sich, if they played these games. And you have the -goodness to come this here way, sir, if you please.' - -Thus addressing his master, Sam took him by the arm, and led -him off, while the rival editors were severally removed to their -beds by the landlord, under the inspection of Mr. Bob Sawyer and -Mr. Benjamin Allen; breathing, as they went away, many -sanguinary threats, and making vague appointments for mortal -combat next day. When they came to think it over, however, it -occurred to them that they could do it much better in print, so -they recommenced deadly hostilities without delay; and all -Eatanswill rung with their boldness--on paper. - -They had taken themselves off in separate coaches, early next -morning, before the other travellers were stirring; and the weather -having now cleared up, the chaise companions once more turned -their faces to London. - - - -CHAPTER LII -INVOLVING A SERIOUS CHANGE IN THE WELLER FAMILY, - AND THE UNTIMELY DOWNFALL OF Mr. STIGGINS - - -Considering it a matter of delicacy to abstain from introducing -either Bob Sawyer or Ben Allen to the young couple, until they -were fully prepared to expect them, and wishing to spare -Arabella's feelings as much as possible, Mr. Pickwick -proposed that he and Sam should alight in the neighbourhood of the -George and Vulture, and that the two young men should for -the present take up their quarters elsewhere. To this they very -readily agreed, and the proposition was accordingly acted -upon; Mr. Ben Allen and Mr. Bob Sawyer betaking themselves -to a sequestered pot-shop on the remotest confines of the -Borough, behind the bar door of which their names had in -other days very often appeared at the head of long and complex -calculations worked in white chalk. - -'Dear me, Mr. Weller,' said the pretty housemaid, meeting -Sam at the door. - -'Dear ME I vish it vos, my dear,' replied Sam, dropping -behind, to let his master get out of hearing. 'Wot a sweet- -lookin' creetur you are, Mary!' - -'Lot, Mr. Weller, what nonsense you do talk!' said Mary. -'Oh! don't, Mr. Weller." - -'Don't what, my dear?' said Sam. - -'Why, that,' replied the pretty housemaid. 'Lor, do get along -with you.' Thus admonishing him, the pretty housemaid pushed -Sam against the wall, declaring that he had tumbled her cap, -and put her hair quite out of curl. - -'And prevented what I was going to say, besides,' added Mary. -'There's a letter been waiting here for you four days; you hadn't -gone away, half an hour, when it came; and more than that, it's -got "immediate," on the outside.' - -'Vere is it, my love?' inquired Sam. - -'I took care of it, for you, or I dare say it would have been -lost long before this,' replied Mary. 'There, take it; it's more -than you deserve.' - -With these words, after many pretty little coquettish doubts -and fears, and wishes that she might not have lost it, Mary -produced the letter from behind the nicest little muslin tucker -possible, and handed it to Sam, who thereupon kissed it with -much gallantry and devotion. - -'My goodness me!' said Mary, adjusting the tucker, and -feigning unconsciousness, 'you seem to have grown very fond of -it all at once.' - -To this Mr. Weller only replied by a wink, the intense meaning -of which no description could convey the faintest idea of; and, -sitting himself down beside Mary on a window-seat, opened the -letter and glanced at the contents. - -'Hollo!' exclaimed Sam, 'wot's all this?' - -'Nothing the matter, I hope?' said Mary, peeping over his -shoulder. - -'Bless them eyes o' yourn!' said Sam, looking up. - -'Never mind my eyes; you had much better read your letter,' -said the pretty housemaid; and as she said so, she made the eyes -twinkle with such slyness and beauty that they were perfectly -irresistible. - -Sam refreshed himself with a kiss, and read as follows:-- - - - 'MARKIS GRAN - 'By DORKEN - 'Wensdy. - -'My DEAR SAMMLE, - -'I am werry sorry to have the pleasure of being a Bear -of ill news your Mother in law cort cold consekens of imprudently -settin too long on the damp grass in the rain a hearing -of a shepherd who warnt able to leave off till late at night owen -to his having vound his-self up vith brandy and vater and not -being able to stop his-self till he got a little sober which took a -many hours to do the doctor says that if she'd svallo'd varm -brandy and vater artervards insted of afore she mightn't have -been no vus her veels wos immedetly greased and everythink -done to set her agoin as could be inwented your father had -hopes as she vould have vorked round as usual but just as she -wos a turnen the corner my boy she took the wrong road and -vent down hill vith a welocity you never see and notvithstandin -that the drag wos put on directly by the medikel man it wornt -of no use at all for she paid the last pike at twenty minutes afore -six o'clock yesterday evenin havin done the journey wery much -under the reglar time vich praps was partly owen to her haven -taken in wery little luggage by the vay your father says that -if you vill come and see me Sammy he vill take it as a wery -great favor for I am wery lonely Samivel n. b. he VILL have it -spelt that vay vich I say ant right and as there is sich a many -things to settle he is sure your guvner wont object of course -he vill not Sammy for I knows him better so he sends his dooty -in which I join and am Samivel infernally yours - 'TONY VELLER.' - - -'Wot a incomprehensible letter,' said Sam; 'who's to know wot -it means, vith all this he-ing and I-ing! It ain't my father's -writin', 'cept this here signater in print letters; that's his.' - -'Perhaps he got somebody to write it for him, and signed it -himself afterwards,' said the pretty housemaid. - -'Stop a minit,' replied Sam, running over the letter again, -and pausing here and there, to reflect, as he did so. 'You've hit -it. The gen'l'm'n as wrote it wos a-tellin' all about the -misfortun' in a proper vay, and then my father comes a-lookin' -over him, and complicates the whole concern by puttin' his oar -in. That's just the wery sort o' thing he'd do. You're right, -Mary, my dear.' - -Having satisfied himself on this point, Sam read the letter all -over, once more, and, appearing to form a clear notion of its -contents for the first time, ejaculated thoughtfully, as he folded -it up-- - -'And so the poor creetur's dead! I'm sorry for it. She warn't -a bad-disposed 'ooman, if them shepherds had let her alone. -I'm wery sorry for it.' - -Mr. Weller uttered these words in so serious a manner, that -the pretty housemaid cast down her eyes and looked very grave. - -'Hows'ever,' said Sam, putting the letter in his pocket with a -gentle sigh, 'it wos to be--and wos, as the old lady said arter -she'd married the footman. Can't be helped now, can it, Mary?' - -Mary shook her head, and sighed too. - -'I must apply to the hemperor for leave of absence,' said Sam. - -Mary sighed again--the letter was so very affecting. - -'Good-bye!' said Sam. - -'Good-bye,' rejoined the pretty housemaid, turning her head away. - -'Well, shake hands, won't you?' said Sam. - -The pretty housemaid put out a hand which, although it was -a housemaid's, was a very small one, and rose to go. - -'I shan't be wery long avay,' said Sam. - -'You're always away,' said Mary, giving her head the slightest -possible toss in the air. 'You no sooner come, Mr. Weller, than -you go again.' - -Mr. Weller drew the household beauty closer to him, and -entered upon a whispering conversation, which had not proceeded -far, when she turned her face round and condescended -to look at him again. When they parted, it was somehow or -other indispensably necessary for her to go to her room, and -arrange the cap and curls before she could think of presenting -herself to her mistress; which preparatory ceremony she went -off to perform, bestowing many nods and smiles on Sam over the -banisters as she tripped upstairs. - -'I shan't be avay more than a day, or two, Sir, at the furthest,' -said Sam, when he had communicated to Mr. Pickwick the -intelligence of his father's loss. - -'As long as may be necessary, Sam,' replied Mr. Pickwick, -'you have my full permission to remain.' - -Sam bowed. - -'You will tell your father, Sam, that if I can be of any assistance -to him in his present situation, I shall be most willing and ready -to lend him any aid in my power,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Thank'ee, sir,' rejoined Sam. 'I'll mention it, sir.' - -And with some expressions of mutual good-will and interest, -master and man separated. - -It was just seven o'clock when Samuel Weller, alighting from -the box of a stage-coach which passed through Dorking, stood -within a few hundred yards of the Marquis of Granby. It was a -cold, dull evening; the little street looked dreary and dismal; -and the mahogany countenance of the noble and gallant marquis -seemed to wear a more sad and melancholy expression than it -was wont to do, as it swung to and fro, creaking mournfully in -the wind. The blinds were pulled down, and the shutters partly -closed; of the knot of loungers that usually collected about the -door, not one was to be seen; the place was silent and desolate. - -Seeing nobody of whom he could ask any preliminary -questions, Sam walked softly in, and glancing round, he quickly -recognised his parent in the distance. - -The widower was seated at a small round table in the little -room behind the bar, smoking a pipe, with his eyes intently -fixed upon the fire. The funeral had evidently taken place that -day, for attached to his hat, which he still retained on his head, -was a hatband measuring about a yard and a half in length, -which hung over the top rail of the chair and streamed negligently -down. Mr. Weller was in a very abstracted and contemplative -mood. Notwithstanding that Sam called him by name several -times, he still continued to smoke with the same fixed and quiet -countenance, and was only roused ultimately by his son's placing -the palm of his hand on his shoulder. - -'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'you're welcome.' - -'I've been a-callin' to you half a dozen times,' said Sam, -hanging his hat on a peg, 'but you didn't hear me.' - -'No, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, again looking thoughtfully -at the fire. 'I was in a referee, Sammy.' - -'Wot about?' inquired Sam, drawing his chair up to the fire. - -'In a referee, Sammy,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, 'regarding -HER, Samivel.' Here Mr. Weller jerked his head in the direction -of Dorking churchyard, in mute explanation that his words -referred to the late Mrs. Weller. - -'I wos a-thinkin', Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, eyeing his son, -with great earnestness, over his pipe, as if to assure him that -however extraordinary and incredible the declaration might -appear, it was nevertheless calmly and deliberately uttered. 'I -wos a-thinkin', Sammy, that upon the whole I wos wery sorry -she wos gone.' - -'Vell, and so you ought to be,' replied Sam. - -Mr. Weller nodded his acquiescence in the sentiment, and -again fastening his eyes on the fire, shrouded himself in a cloud, -and mused deeply. - -'Those wos wery sensible observations as she made, Sammy,' -said Mr. Weller, driving the smoke away with his hand, after a -long silence. - -'Wot observations?' inquired Sam. - -'Them as she made, arter she was took ill,' replied the old -gentleman. -'Wot was they?' - -'Somethin' to this here effect. "Veller," she says, "I'm afeered -I've not done by you quite wot I ought to have done; you're a -wery kind-hearted man, and I might ha' made your home more -comfortabler. I begin to see now," she says, "ven it's too late, -that if a married 'ooman vishes to be religious, she should begin -vith dischargin' her dooties at home, and makin' them as is -about her cheerful and happy, and that vile she goes to church, -or chapel, or wot not, at all proper times, she should be wery -careful not to con-wert this sort o' thing into a excuse for idleness -or self-indulgence. I have done this," she says, "and I've vasted -time and substance on them as has done it more than me; but I -hope ven I'm gone, Veller, that you'll think on me as I wos -afore I know'd them people, and as I raly wos by natur." - -'"Susan," says I--I wos took up wery short by this, Samivel; I -von't deny it, my boy--"Susan," I says, "you've been a wery -good vife to me, altogether; don't say nothin' at all about -it; keep a good heart, my dear; and you'll live to see me punch -that 'ere Stiggins's head yet." She smiled at this, Samivel,' said -the old gentleman, stifling a sigh with his pipe, 'but she died -arter all!' - -'Vell,' said Sam, venturing to offer a little homely consolation, -after the lapse of three or four minutes, consumed by the old -gentleman in slowly shaking his head from side to side, and -solemnly smoking, 'vell, gov'nor, ve must all come to it, one day -or another.' - -'So we must, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller the elder. - -'There's a Providence in it all,' said Sam. - -'O' course there is,' replied his father, with a nod of grave -approval. 'Wot 'ud become of the undertakers vithout it, Sammy?' - -Lost in the immense field of conjecture opened by this reflection, -the elder Mr. Weller laid his pipe on the table, and stirred -the fire with a meditative visage. - -While the old gentleman was thus engaged, a very buxom- -looking cook, dressed in mourning, who had been bustling -about, in the bar, glided into the room, and bestowing many -smirks of recognition upon Sam, silently stationed herself at the -back of his father's chair, and announced her presence by a slight -cough, the which, being disregarded, was followed by a louder one. - -'Hollo!' said the elder Mr. Weller, dropping the poker as he -looked round, and hastily drew his chair away. 'Wot's the -matter now?' - -'Have a cup of tea, there's a good soul,' replied the buxom -female coaxingly. -'I von't,' replied Mr. Weller, in a somewhat boisterous -manner. 'I'll see you--' Mr. Weller hastily checked himself, -and added in a low tone, 'furder fust.' - -'Oh, dear, dear! How adwersity does change people!' said the -lady, looking upwards. - -'It's the only thing 'twixt this and the doctor as shall change -my condition,' muttered Mr. Weller. - -'I really never saw a man so cross,' said the buxom female. - -'Never mind. It's all for my own good; vich is the reflection -vith vich the penitent school-boy comforted his feelin's ven they -flogged him,' rejoined the old gentleman. - -The buxom female shook her head with a compassionate and -sympathising air; and, appealing to Sam, inquired whether his -father really ought not to make an effort to keep up, and not -give way to that lowness of spirits. - -'You see, Mr. Samuel,' said the buxom female, 'as I was -telling him yesterday, he will feel lonely, he can't expect but -what he should, sir, but he should keep up a good heart, because, -dear me, I'm sure we all pity his loss, and are ready to do anything -for him; and there's no situation in life so bad, Mr. -Samuel, that it can't be mended. Which is what a very worthy -person said to me when my husband died.' Here the speaker, -putting her hand before her mouth, coughed again, and looked -affectionately at the elder Mr. Weller. - -'As I don't rekvire any o' your conversation just now, mum, -vill you have the goodness to re-tire?' inquired Mr. Weller, in a -grave and steady voice. - -'Well, Mr. Weller,' said the buxom female, 'I'm sure I only -spoke to you out of kindness.' - -'Wery likely, mum,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Samivel, show the -lady out, and shut the door after her.' - -This hint was not lost upon the buxom female; for she at once -left the room, and slammed the door behind her, upon which -Mr. Weller, senior, falling back in his chair in a violent -perspiration, said-- - -'Sammy, if I wos to stop here alone vun week--only vun week, -my boy--that 'ere 'ooman 'ud marry me by force and wiolence -afore it was over.' - -'Wot! is she so wery fond on you?' inquired Sam. - -'Fond!' replied his father. 'I can't keep her avay from me. If -I was locked up in a fireproof chest vith a patent Brahmin, she'd -find means to get at me, Sammy.' - -'Wot a thing it is to be so sought arter!' observed Sam, smiling. - -'I don't take no pride out on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, -poking the fire vehemently, 'it's a horrid sitiwation. I'm actiwally -drove out o' house and home by it. The breath was scarcely out -o' your poor mother-in-law's body, ven vun old 'ooman sends me -a pot o' jam, and another a pot o' jelly, and another brews a -blessed large jug o' camomile-tea, vich she brings in vith her own -hands.' Mr. Weller paused with an aspect of intense disgust, -and looking round, added in a whisper, 'They wos all widders, -Sammy, all on 'em, 'cept the camomile-tea vun, as wos a single -young lady o' fifty-three.' - -Sam gave a comical look in reply, and the old gentleman -having broken an obstinate lump of coal, with a countenance -expressive of as much earnestness and malice as if it had been -the head of one of the widows last-mentioned, said: - -'In short, Sammy, I feel that I ain't safe anyveres but on the box.' - -'How are you safer there than anyveres else?' interrupted Sam. - -"Cos a coachman's a privileged indiwidual,' replied Mr. -Weller, looking fixedly at his son. ''Cos a coachman may do -vithout suspicion wot other men may not; 'cos a coachman may -be on the wery amicablest terms with eighty mile o' females, and -yet nobody think that he ever means to marry any vun among -'em. And wot other man can say the same, Sammy?' - -'Vell, there's somethin' in that,' said Sam. - -'If your gov'nor had been a coachman,' reasoned Mr. Weller, -'do you s'pose as that 'ere jury 'ud ever ha' conwicted him, -s'posin' it possible as the matter could ha' gone to that extremity? -They dustn't ha' done it.' - -'Wy not?' said Sam, rather disparagingly. - -'Wy not!' rejoined Mr. Weller; ''cos it 'ud ha' gone agin their -consciences. A reg'lar coachman's a sort o' con-nectin' link -betwixt singleness and matrimony, and every practicable man -knows it.' - -'Wot! You mean, they're gen'ral favorites, and nobody takes -adwantage on 'em, p'raps?' said Sam. - -His father nodded. - -'How it ever come to that 'ere pass,' resumed the parent -Weller, 'I can't say. Wy it is that long-stage coachmen possess -such insiniwations, and is alvays looked up to--a-dored I may -say--by ev'ry young 'ooman in ev'ry town he vurks through, I -don't know. I only know that so it is. It's a regulation of natur ---a dispensary, as your poor mother-in-law used to say.' - -'A dispensation,' said Sam, correcting the old gentleman. - -'Wery good, Samivel, a dispensation if you like it better,' -returned Mr. Weller; 'I call it a dispensary, and it's always writ -up so, at the places vere they gives you physic for nothin' in -your own bottles; that's all.' - -With these words, Mr. Weller refilled and relighted his pipe, -and once more summoning up a meditative expression of -countenance, continued as follows-- - -'Therefore, my boy, as I do not see the adwisability o' stoppin -here to be married vether I vant to or not, and as at the same -time I do not vish to separate myself from them interestin' -members o' society altogether, I have come to the determination -o' driving the Safety, and puttin' up vunce more at the Bell -Savage, vich is my nat'ral born element, Sammy.' - -'And wot's to become o' the bis'ness?' inquired Sam. - -'The bis'ness, Samivel,' replied the old gentleman, 'good-vill, -stock, and fixters, vill be sold by private contract; and out o' the -money, two hundred pound, agreeable to a rekvest o' your -mother-in-law's to me, a little afore she died, vill be invested in -your name in--What do you call them things agin?' - -'Wot things?' inquired Sam. - -'Them things as is always a-goin' up and down, in the city.' - -'Omnibuses?' suggested Sam. - -'Nonsense,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Them things as is alvays -a-fluctooatin', and gettin' theirselves inwolved somehow or -another vith the national debt, and the chequers bill; and all that.' - -'Oh! the funds,' said Sam. - -'Ah!' rejoined Mr. Weller, 'the funs; two hundred pounds o' -the money is to be inwested for you, Samivel, in the funs; four -and a half per cent. reduced counsels, Sammy.' - -'Wery kind o' the old lady to think o' me,' said Sam, 'and -I'm wery much obliged to her.' - -'The rest will be inwested in my name,' continued the elder -Mr. Weller; 'and wen I'm took off the road, it'll come to you, so -take care you don't spend it all at vunst, my boy, and mind that -no widder gets a inklin' o' your fortun', or you're done.' - -Having delivered this warning, Mr. Weller resumed his pipe -with a more serene countenance; the disclosure of these matters -appearing to have eased his mind considerably. - -'Somebody's a-tappin' at the door,' said Sam. - -'Let 'em tap,' replied his father, with dignity. - -Sam acted upon the direction. There was another tap, and -another, and then a long row of taps; upon which Sam inquired -why the tapper was not admitted. - -'Hush,' whispered Mr. Weller, with apprehensive looks, 'don't -take no notice on 'em, Sammy, it's vun o' the widders, p'raps.' - -No notice being taken of the taps, the unseen visitor, after a -short lapse, ventured to open the door and peep in. It was no -female head that was thrust in at the partially-opened door, but -the long black locks and red face of Mr. Stiggins. Mr. Weller's -pipe fell from his hands. - -The reverend gentleman gradually opened the door by almost -imperceptible degrees, until the aperture was just wide enough -to admit of the passage of his lank body, when he glided into the -room and closed it after him, with great care and gentleness. -Turning towards Sam, and raising his hands and eyes in token of -the unspeakable sorrow with which he regarded the calamity -that had befallen the family, he carried the high-backed chair to -his old corner by the fire, and, seating himself on the very edge, -drew forth a brown pocket-handkerchief, and applied the same -to his optics. - -While this was going forward, the elder Mr. Weller sat back -in his chair, with his eyes wide open, his hands planted on his -knees, and his whole countenance expressive of absorbing and -overwhelming astonishment. Sam sat opposite him in perfect -silence, waiting, with eager curiosity, for the termination of the scene. - -Mr. Stiggins kept the brown pocket-handkerchief before his -eyes for some minutes, moaning decently meanwhile, and then, -mastering his feelings by a strong effort, put it in his pocket and -buttoned it up. After this, he stirred the fire; after that, he rubbed -his hands and looked at Sam. - -'Oh, my young friend,' said Mr. Stiggins, breaking the silence, -in a very low voice, 'here's a sorrowful affliction!' - -Sam nodded very slightly. - -'For the man of wrath, too!' added Mr. Stiggins; 'it makes a -vessel's heart bleed!' -Mr. Weller was overheard by his son to murmur something -relative to making a vessel's nose bleed; but Mr. Stiggins heard -him not. -'Do you know, young man,' whispered Mr. Stiggins, drawing -his chair closer to Sam, 'whether she has left Emanuel anything?' - -'Who's he?' inquired Sam. - -'The chapel,' replied Mr. Stiggins; 'our chapel; our fold, -Mr. Samuel.' - -'She hasn't left the fold nothin', nor the shepherd nothin', nor -the animals nothin',' said Sam decisively; 'nor the dogs neither.' - -Mr. Stiggins looked slily at Sam; glanced at the old gentleman, -who was sitting with his eyes closed, as if asleep; and drawing his -chair still nearer, said-- - -'Nothing for ME, Mr. Samuel?' - -Sam shook his head. - -'I think there's something,' said Stiggins, turning as pale as he -could turn. 'Consider, Mr. Samuel; no little token?' - -'Not so much as the vorth o' that 'ere old umberella o' yourn,' -replied Sam. - -'Perhaps,' said Mr. Stiggins hesitatingly, after a few moments' -deep thought, 'perhaps she recommended me to the care of the -man of wrath, Mr. Samuel?' - -'I think that's wery likely, from what he said,' rejoined Sam; -'he wos a-speakin' about you, jist now.' - -'Was he, though?' exclaimed Stiggins, brightening up. 'Ah! -He's changed, I dare say. We might live very comfortably -together now, Mr. Samuel, eh? I could take care of his property -when you are away--good care, you see.' - -Heaving a long-drawn sigh, Mr. Stiggins paused for a response. - -Sam nodded, and Mr. Weller the elder gave vent to an extraordinary -sound, which, being neither a groan, nor a grunt, nor a -gasp, nor a growl, seemed to partake in some degree of the -character of all four. - -Mr. Stiggins, encouraged by this sound, which he understood -to betoken remorse or repentance, looked about him, -rubbed his hands, wept, smiled, wept again, and then, walking -softly across the room to a well-remembered shelf in one corner, -took down a tumbler, and with great deliberation put four -lumps of sugar in it. Having got thus far, he looked about -him again, and sighed grievously; with that, he walked softly into -the bar, and presently returning with the tumbler half full of -pine-apple rum, advanced to the kettle which was singing gaily -on the hob, mixed his grog, stirred it, sipped it, sat down, and -taking a long and hearty pull at the rum-and-water, stopped for breath. - -The elder Mr. Weller, who still continued to make various -strange and uncouth attempts to appear asleep, offered not a -single word during these proceedings; but when Stiggins stopped -for breath, he darted upon him, and snatching the tumbler from -his hand, threw the remainder of the rum-and-water in his face, -and the glass itself into the grate. Then, seizing the reverend -gentleman firmly by the collar, he suddenly fell to kicking him -most furiously, accompanying every application of his top-boot -to Mr. Stiggins's person, with sundry violent and incoherent -anathemas upon his limbs, eyes, and body. - -'Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, 'put my hat on tight for me.' - -Sam dutifully adjusted the hat with the long hatband more -firmly on his father's head, and the old gentleman, resuming his -kicking with greater agility than before, tumbled with Mr. -Stiggins through the bar, and through the passage, out at the -front door, and so into the street--the kicking continuing the -whole way, and increasing in vehemence, rather than diminishing, -every time the top-boot was lifted. - -It was a beautiful and exhilarating sight to see the red-nosed -man writhing in Mr. Weller's grasp, and his whole frame -quivering with anguish as kick followed kick in rapid succession; -it was a still more exciting spectacle to behold Mr. Weller, after -a powerful struggle, immersing Mr. Stiggins's head in a horse- -trough full of water, and holding it there, until he was half suffocated. - -'There!' said Mr. Weller, throwing all his energy into one -most complicated kick, as he at length permitted Mr. Stiggins to -withdraw his head from the trough, 'send any vun o' them lazy -shepherds here, and I'll pound him to a jelly first, and drownd -him artervards! Sammy, help me in, and fill me a small glass of -brandy. I'm out o' breath, my boy.' - - - -CHAPTER LIII -COMPRISING THE FINAL EXIT OF Mr. JINGLE AND JOB - TROTTER, WITH A GREAT MORNING OF BUSINESS IN - GRAY'S INN SQUARE--CONCLUDING WITH A DOUBLE - KNOCK AT Mr. PERKER'S DOOR - - -When Arabella, after some gentle preparation and many assurances -that there was not the least occasion for being low-spirited, was -at length made acquainted by Mr. Pickwick with the unsatisfactory -result of his visit to Birmingham, she burst into tears, and -sobbing aloud, lamented in moving terms that she should have been -the unhappy cause of any estrangement between a father and his son. - -'My dear girl,' said Mr. Pickwick kindly, 'it is no fault of -yours. It was impossible to foresee that the old gentleman would -be so strongly prepossessed against his son's marriage, you know. -I am sure,' added Mr. Pickwick, glancing at her pretty face, 'he -can have very little idea of the pleasure he denies himself.' - -'Oh, my dear Mr. Pickwick,' said Arabella, 'what shall we do, -if he continues to be angry with us?' - -'Why, wait patiently, my dear, until he thinks better of it,' -replied Mr. Pickwick cheerfully. - -'But, dear Mr. Pickwick, what is to become of Nathaniel if his -father withdraws his assistance?' urged Arabella. - -'In that case, my love,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, 'I will venture -to prophesy that he will find some other friend who will not be -backward in helping him to start in the world.' - -The significance of this reply was not so well disguised by -Mr. Pickwick but that Arabella understood it. So, throwing her -arms round his neck, and kissing him affectionately, she sobbed -louder than before. - -'Come, come,' said Mr. Pickwick taking her hand, 'we will -wait here a few days longer, and see whether he writes or takes -any other notice of your husband's communication. If not, I -have thought of half a dozen plans, any one of which would -make you happy at once. There, my dear, there!' - -With these words, Mr. Pickwick gently pressed Arabella's -hand, and bade her dry her eyes, and not distress her husband. -Upon which, Arabella, who was one of the best little creatures -alive, put her handkerchief in her reticule, and by the time -Mr. Winkle joined them, exhibited in full lustre the same -beaming smiles and sparkling eyes that had originally captivated him. - -'This is a distressing predicament for these young people,' -thought Mr. Pickwick, as he dressed himself next morning. 'I'll -walk up to Perker's, and consult him about the matter.' - -As Mr. Pickwick was further prompted to betake himself to -Gray's Inn Square by an anxious desire to come to a pecuniary -settlement with the kind-hearted little attorney without further -delay, he made a hurried breakfast, and executed his intention -so speedily, that ten o'clock had not struck when he reached -Gray's Inn. - -It still wanted ten minutes to the hour when he had ascended -the staircase on which Perker's chambers were. The clerks had -not arrived yet, and he beguiled the time by looking out of the -staircase window. -The healthy light of a fine October morning made even the -dingy old houses brighten up a little; some of the dusty windows -actually looking almost cheerful as the sun's rays gleamed upon -them. Clerk after clerk hastened into the square by one or other -of the entrances, and looking up at the Hall clock, accelerated -or decreased his rate of walking according to the time at which -his office hours nominally commenced; the half-past nine -o'clock people suddenly becoming very brisk, and the ten -o'clock gentlemen falling into a pace of most aristocratic slowness. -The clock struck ten, and clerks poured in faster than ever, -each one in a greater perspiration than his predecessor. The -noise of unlocking and opening doors echoed and re-echoed on -every side; heads appeared as if by magic in every window; the -porters took up their stations for the day; the slipshod laundresses -hurried off; the postman ran from house to house; and -the whole legal hive was in a bustle. - -'You're early, Mr. Pickwick,' said a voice behind him. - -'Ah, Mr. Lowten,' replied that gentleman, looking round, and -recognising his old acquaintance. - -'Precious warm walking, isn't it?' said Lowten, drawing a -Bramah key from his pocket, with a small plug therein, to keep -the dust out. - -'You appear to feel it so,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, smiling at -the clerk, who was literally red-hot. - -'I've come along, rather, I can tell you,' replied Lowten. 'It -went the half hour as I came through the Polygon. I'm here -before him, though, so I don't mind.' - -Comforting himself with this reflection, Mr. Lowten extracted -the plug from the door-key; having opened the door, replugged -and repocketed his Bramah, and picked up the letters which the -postman had dropped through the box, he ushered Mr. Pickwick -into the office. Here, in the twinkling of an eye, he divested -himself of his coat, put on a threadbare garment, which he took -out of a desk, hung up his hat, pulled forth a few sheets of -cartridge and blotting-paper in alternate layers, and, sticking a -pen behind his ear, rubbed his hands with an air of great satisfaction. - -'There, you see, Mr. Pickwick,' he said, 'now I'm complete. -I've got my office coat on, and my pad out, and let him come as -soon as he likes. You haven't got a pinch of snuff about you, -have you?' - -'No, I have not,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'I'm sorry for it,' said Lowten. 'Never mind. I'll run out -presently, and get a bottle of soda. Don't I look rather queer -about the eyes, Mr. Pickwick?' - -The individual appealed to, surveyed Mr. Lowten's eyes from -a distance, and expressed his opinion that no unusual queerness -was perceptible in those features. - -'I'm glad of it,' said Lowten. 'We were keeping it up pretty -tolerably at the Stump last night, and I'm rather out of sorts this -morning. Perker's been about that business of yours, by the bye.' - -'What business?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. 'Mrs. Bardell's costs?' - -'No, I don't mean that,' replied Mr. Lowten. 'About getting -that customer that we paid the ten shillings in the pound to the -bill-discounter for, on your account--to get him out of the -Fleet, you know--about getting him to Demerara.' - -'Oh, Mr. Jingle,' said Mr. Pickwick hastily. 'Yes. Well?' - -'Well, it's all arranged,' said Lowten, mending his pen. 'The -agent at Liverpool said he had been obliged to you many times -when you were in business, and he would be glad to take him on -your recommendation.' - -'That's well,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am delighted to hear it.' - -'But I say,' resumed Lowten, scraping the back of the pen -preparatory to making a fresh split, 'what a soft chap that other is!' - -'Which other?' - -'Why, that servant, or friend, or whatever he is; you know, Trotter.' - -'Ah!' said Mr. Pickwick, with a smile. 'I always thought him -the reverse.' - -'Well, and so did I, from what little I saw of him,' replied -Lowten, 'it only shows how one may be deceived. What do you -think of his going to Demerara, too?' - -'What! And giving up what was offered him here!' exclaimed -Mr. Pickwick. - -'Treating Perker's offer of eighteen bob a week, and a rise if -he behaved himself, like dirt,' replied Lowten. 'He said he must -go along with the other one, and so they persuaded Perker to -write again, and they've got him something on the same estate; -not near so good, Perker says, as a convict would get in New -South Wales, if he appeared at his trial in a new suit of clothes.' - -'Foolish fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, with glistening eyes. -'Foolish fellow.' - -'Oh, it's worse than foolish; it's downright sneaking, you -know,' replied Lowten, nibbing the pen with a contemptuous -face. 'He says that he's the only friend he ever had, and he's -attached to him, and all that. Friendship's a very good thing in -its way--we are all very friendly and comfortable at the Stump, -for instance, over our grog, where every man pays for himself; -but damn hurting yourself for anybody else, you know! No man -should have more than two attachments--the first, to number -one, and the second to the ladies; that's what I say--ha! ha!' -Mr. Lowten concluded with a loud laugh, half in jocularity, and -half in derision, which was prematurely cut short by the sound -of Perker's footsteps on the stairs, at the first approach of which, -he vaulted on his stool with an agility most remarkable, and -wrote intensely. - -The greeting between Mr. Pickwick and his professional -adviser was warm and cordial; the client was scarcely ensconced -in the attorney's arm-chair, however, when a knock was heard at -the door, and a voice inquired whether Mr. Perker was within. - -'Hark!' said Perker, 'that's one of our vagabond friends-- -Jingle himself, my dear Sir. Will you see him?' - -'What do you think?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, hesitating. - -'Yes, I think you had better. Here, you Sir, what's your name, -walk in, will you?' - -In compliance with this unceremonious invitation, Jingle and -Job walked into the room, but, seeing Mr. Pickwick, stopped -short in some confusion. -'Well,' said Perker, 'don't you know that gentleman?' - -'Good reason to,' replied Mr. Jingle, stepping forward. 'Mr. -Pickwick--deepest obligations--life preserver--made a man of -me--you shall never repent it, Sir.' - -'I am happy to hear you say so,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'You look -much better.' - -'Thanks to you, sir--great change--Majesty's Fleet--unwholesome -place--very,' said Jingle, shaking his head. He was -decently and cleanly dressed, and so was Job, who stood bolt -upright behind him, staring at Mr. Pickwick with a visage of iron. - -'When do they go to Liverpool?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, half -aside to Perker. - -'This evening, Sir, at seven o'clock,' said Job, taking one step -forward. 'By the heavy coach from the city, Sir.' - -'Are your places taken?' - -'They are, sir,' replied Job. - -'You have fully made up your mind to go?' - -'I have sir,' answered Job. - -'With regard to such an outfit as was indispensable for Jingle,' -said Perker, addressing Mr. Pickwick aloud. 'I have taken upon -myself to make an arrangement for the deduction of a small sum -from his quarterly salary, which, being made only for one year, -and regularly remitted, will provide for that expense. I entirely -disapprove of your doing anything for him, my dear sir, which -is not dependent on his own exertions and good conduct.' - -'Certainly,' interposed Jingle, with great firmness. 'Clear head ---man of the world--quite right--perfectly.' - -'By compounding with his creditor, releasing his clothes from -the pawnbroker's, relieving him in prison, and paying for his -passage,' continued Perker, without noticing Jingle's observation, -'you have already lost upwards of fifty pounds.' - -'Not lost,' said Jingle hastily, 'Pay it all--stick to business-- -cash up--every farthing. Yellow fever, perhaps--can't help that ---if not--' Here Mr. Jingle paused, and striking the crown of -his hat with great violence, passed his hand over his eyes, and -sat down. - -'He means to say,' said Job, advancing a few paces, 'that if he -is not carried off by the fever, he will pay the money back again. -If he lives, he will, Mr. Pickwick. I will see it done. I know he -will, Sir,' said Job, with energy. 'I could undertake to swear it.' - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, who had been bestowing a -score or two of frowns upon Perker, to stop his summary of -benefits conferred, which the little attorney obstinately -disregarded, 'you must be careful not to play any more desperate -cricket matches, Mr. Jingle, or to renew your acquaintance with -Sir Thomas Blazo, and I have little doubt of your preserving -your health.' - -Mr. Jingle smiled at this sally, but looked rather foolish -notwithstanding; so Mr. Pickwick changed the subject by saying-- - -'You don't happen to know, do you, what has become of -another friend of yours--a more humble one, whom I saw at Rochester?' - -'Dismal Jemmy?' inquired Jingle. - -'Yes.' - -Jingle shook his head. - -'Clever rascal--queer fellow, hoaxing genius--Job's brother.' - -'Job's brother!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick. 'Well, now I look at -him closely, there IS a likeness.' - -'We were always considered like each other, Sir,' said Job, -with a cunning look just lurking in the corners of his eyes, 'only -I was really of a serious nature, and he never was. He emigrated -to America, Sir, in consequence of being too much sought after -here, to be comfortable; and has never been heard of since.' - -'That accounts for my not having received the "page from the -romance of real life," which he promised me one morning when -he appeared to be contemplating suicide on Rochester Bridge, -I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 'I need not inquire -whether his dismal behaviour was natural or assumed.' - -'He could assume anything, Sir,' said Job. 'You may consider -yourself very fortunate in having escaped him so easily. On -intimate terms he would have been even a more dangerous -acquaintance than--' Job looked at Jingle, hesitated, and -finally added, 'than--than-myself even.' - -'A hopeful family yours, Mr. Trotter,' said Perker, sealing a -letter which he had just finished writing. - -'Yes, Sir,' replied Job. 'Very much so.' - -'Well,' said the little man, laughing, 'I hope you are going to -disgrace it. Deliver this letter to the agent when you reach -Liverpool, and let me advise you, gentlemen, not to be too -knowing in the West Indies. If you throw away this chance, you -will both richly deserve to be hanged, as I sincerely trust you -will be. And now you had better leave Mr. Pickwick and me -alone, for we have other matters to talk over, and time is -precious.' As Perker said this, he looked towards the door, with -an evident desire to render the leave-taking as brief as possible. - -It was brief enough on Mr. Jingle's part. He thanked the little -attorney in a few hurried words for the kindness and promptitude -with which he had rendered his assistance, and, turning to his -benefactor, stood for a few seconds as if irresolute what to say -or how to act. Job Trotter relieved his perplexity; for, with a -humble and grateful bow to Mr. Pickwick, he took his friend -gently by the arm, and led him away. - -'A worthy couple!' said Perker, as the door closed behind them. - -'I hope they may become so,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'What do -you think? Is there any chance of their permanent reformation?' - -Perker shrugged his shoulders doubtfully, but observing Mr. -Pickwick's anxious and disappointed look, rejoined-- - -'Of course there is a chance. I hope it may prove a good one. -They are unquestionably penitent now; but then, you know, they -have the recollection of very recent suffering fresh upon them. -What they may become, when that fades away, is a problem that -neither you nor I can solve. However, my dear Sir,' added Perker, -laying his hand on Mr. Pickwick's shoulder, 'your object is -equally honourable, whatever the result is. Whether that species -of benevolence which is so very cautious and long-sighted that -it is seldom exercised at all, lest its owner should be imposed -upon, and so wounded in his self-love, be real charity or a -worldly counterfeit, I leave to wiser heads than mine to determine. -But if those two fellows were to commit a burglary to-morrow, -my opinion of this action would be equally high.' - -With these remarks, which were delivered in a much more -animated and earnest manner than is usual in legal gentlemen, -Perker drew his chair to his desk, and listened to Mr. Pickwick's -recital of old Mr. Winkle's obstinacy. - -'Give him a week,' said Perker, nodding his head prophetically. - -'Do you think he will come round?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I think he will,' rejoined Perker. 'If not, we must try the -young lady's persuasion; and that is what anybody but you -would have done at first.' - -Mr. Perker was taking a pinch of snuff with various grotesque -contractions of countenance, eulogistic of the persuasive powers -appertaining unto young ladies, when the murmur of inquiry -and answer was heard in the outer office, and Lowten tapped at -the door. - -'Come in!' cried the little man. - -The clerk came in, and shut the door after him, with great mystery. - -'What's the matter?' inquired Perker. - -'You're wanted, Sir.' - -'Who wants me?' - -Lowten looked at Mr. Pickwick, and coughed. - -'Who wants me? Can't you speak, Mr. Lowten?' - -'Why, sir,' replied Lowten, 'it's Dodson; and Fogg is with him.' - -'Bless my life!' said the little man, looking at his watch, 'I -appointed them to be here at half-past eleven, to settle that -matter of yours, Pickwick. I gave them an undertaking on which -they sent down your discharge; it's very awkward, my dear -Sir; what will you do? Would you like to step into the next room?' - -The next room being the identical room in which Messrs. -Dodson & Fogg were, Mr. Pickwick replied that he would -remain where he was: the more especially as Messrs. Dodson & -Fogg ought to be ashamed to look him in the face, instead of his -being ashamed to see them. Which latter circumstance he begged -Mr. Perker to note, with a glowing countenance and many marks -of indignation. - -'Very well, my dear Sir, very well,' replied Perker, 'I can only -say that if you expect either Dodson or Fogg to exhibit any -symptom of shame or confusion at having to look you, or -anybody else, in the face, you are the most sanguine man in your -expectations that I ever met with. Show them in, Mr. Lowten.' - -Mr. Lowten disappeared with a grin, and immediately returned -ushering in the firm, in due form of precedence--Dodson first, -and Fogg afterwards. - -'You have seen Mr. Pickwick, I believe?' said Perker to -Dodson, inclining his pen in the direction where that gentleman -was seated. - -'How do you do, Mr. Pickwick?' said Dodson, in a loud voice. - -'Dear me,'cried Fogg, 'how do you do, Mr. Pickwick? I hope -you are well, Sir. I thought I knew the face,' said Fogg, drawing -up a chair, and looking round him with a smile. - -Mr. Pickwick bent his head very slightly, in answer to these -salutations, and, seeing Fogg pull a bundle of papers from his -coat pocket, rose and walked to the window. - -'There's no occasion for Mr. Pickwick to move, Mr. Perker,' -said Fogg, untying the red tape which encircled the little bundle, -and smiling again more sweetly than before. 'Mr. Pickwick is -pretty well acquainted with these proceedings. There are no -secrets between us, I think. He! he! he!' - -'Not many, I think,' said Dodson. 'Ha! ha! ha!' Then both -the partners laughed together--pleasantly and cheerfully, as men -who are going to receive money often do. - -'We shall make Mr. Pickwick pay for peeping,' said Fogg, with -considerable native humour, as he unfolded his papers. 'The -amount of the taxed costs is one hundred and thirty-three, six, -four, Mr. Perker.' - -There was a great comparing of papers, and turning over of -leaves, by Fogg and Perker, after this statement of profit and -loss. Meanwhile, Dodson said, in an affable manner, to Mr. -Pickwick-- - -'I don't think you are looking quite so stout as when I had the -pleasure of seeing you last, Mr. Pickwick.' - -'Possibly not, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick, who had been -flashing forth looks of fierce indignation, without producing the -smallest effect on either of the sharp practitioners; 'I believe I am -not, Sir. I have been persecuted and annoyed by scoundrels of -late, Sir.' -Perker coughed violently, and asked Mr. Pickwick whether he -wouldn't like to look at the morning paper. To which inquiry -Mr. Pickwick returned a most decided negative. - -'True,' said Dodson, 'I dare say you have been annoyed in the -Fleet; there are some odd gentry there. Whereabouts were your -apartments, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'My one room,' replied that much-injured gentleman, 'was on -the coffee-room flight.' - -'Oh, indeed!' said Dodson. 'I believe that is a very pleasant -part of the establishment.' - -'Very,'replied Mr. Pickwick drily. - -There was a coolness about all this, which, to a gentleman of -an excitable temperament, had, under the circumstances, rather -an exasperating tendency. Mr. Pickwick restrained his wrath by -gigantic efforts; but when Perker wrote a cheque for the whole -amount, and Fogg deposited it in a small pocket-book, with a -triumphant smile playing over his pimply features, which -communicated itself likewise to the stern countenance of Dodson, -he felt the blood in his cheeks tingling with indignation. - -'Now, Mr. Dodson,' said Fogg, putting up the pocket-book -and drawing on his gloves, 'I am at your service.' - -'Very good,' said Dodson, rising; 'I am quite ready.' - -'I am very happy,' said Fogg, softened by the cheque, 'to have -had the pleasure of making Mr. Pickwick's acquaintance. I hope -you don't think quite so ill of us, Mr. Pickwick, as when we first -had the pleasure of seeing you.' - -'I hope not,' said Dodson, with the high tone of calumniated -virtue. 'Mr. Pickwick now knows us better, I trust; whatever -your opinion of gentlemen of our profession may be, I beg to -assure you, sir, that I bear no ill-will or vindictive feeling towards -you for the sentiments you thought proper to express in our -office in Freeman's Court, Cornhill, on the occasion to which -my partner has referred.' - -'Oh, no, no; nor I,' said Fogg, in a most forgiving manner. - -'Our conduct, Sir,' said Dodson, 'will speak for itself, and -justify itself, I hope, upon every occasion. We have been in the -profession some years, Mr. Pickwick, and have been honoured -with the confidence of many excellent clients. I wish you good- -morning, Sir.' - -'Good-morning, Mr. Pickwick,' said Fogg. So saying, he put his -umbrella under his arm, drew off his right glove, and extended -the hand of reconciliation to that most indignant gentleman; -who, thereupon, thrust his hands beneath his coat tails, and -eyed the attorney with looks of scornful amazement. - -'Lowten!' cried Perker, at this moment. 'Open the door.' - -'Wait one instant,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Perker, I WILL speak.' - -'My dear Sir, pray let the matter rest where it is,' said the little -attorney, who had been in a state of nervous apprehension during -the whole interview; 'Mr. Pickwick, I beg--' - -'I will not be put down, Sir,' replied Mr. Pickwick hastily. -'Mr. Dodson, you have addressed some remarks to me.' - -Dodson turned round, bent his head meekly, and smiled. - -'Some remarks to me,' repeated Mr. Pickwick, almost breathless; -'and your partner has tendered me his hand, and you have -both assumed a tone of forgiveness and high-mindedness, which -is an extent of impudence that I was not prepared for, even in you.' - -'What, sir!' exclaimed Dodson. - -'What, sir!' reiterated Fogg. - -'Do you know that I have been the victim of your plots and -conspiracies?' continued Mr. Pickwick. 'Do you know that I -am the man whom you have been imprisoning and robbing? -Do you know that you were the attorneys for the plaintiff, in -Bardell and Pickwick?' - -'Yes, sir, we do know it,' replied Dodson. - -'Of course we know it, Sir,' rejoined Fogg, slapping his pocket ---perhaps by accident. - -'I see that you recollect it with satisfaction,' said Mr. Pickwick, -attempting to call up a sneer for the first time in his life, and -failing most signally in so doing. 'Although I have long been -anxious to tell you, in plain terms, what my opinion of you is, I -should have let even this opportunity pass, in deference to my -friend Perker's wishes, but for the unwarrantable tone you have -assumed, and your insolent familiarity. I say insolent familiarity, -sir,' said Mr. Pickwick, turning upon Fogg with a fierceness of -gesture which caused that person to retreat towards the door with -great expedition. - -'Take care, Sir,' said Dodson, who, though he was the biggest -man of the party, had prudently entrenched himself behind -Fogg, and was speaking over his head with a very pale face. 'Let -him assault you, Mr. Fogg; don't return it on any account.' - -'No, no, I won't return it,' said Fogg, falling back a little -more as he spoke; to the evident relief of his partner, who by -these means was gradually getting into the outer office. - -'You are,' continued Mr. Pickwick, resuming the thread of his -discourse--'you are a well-matched pair of mean, rascally, -pettifogging robbers.' - -'Well,' interposed Perker, 'is that all?' - -'It is all summed up in that,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick; 'they are -mean, rascally, pettifogging robbers.' - -'There!' said Perker, in a most conciliatory tone. 'My dear sirs, -he has said all he has to say. Now pray go. Lowten, is that door -open?' - -Mr. Lowten, with a distant giggle, replied in the affirmative. - -'There, there--good-morning--good-morning--now pray, my -dear sirs--Mr. Lowten, the door!' cried the little man, pushing -Dodson & Fogg, nothing loath, out of the office; 'this way, my -dear sirs--now pray don't prolong this-- Dear me--Mr. -Lowten--the door, sir--why don't you attend?' - -'If there's law in England, sir,' said Dodson, looking towards -Mr. Pickwick, as he put on his hat, 'you shall smart for this.' - -'You are a couple of mean--' - -'Remember, sir, you pay dearly for this,' said Fogg. - -'--Rascally, pettifogging robbers!' continued Mr. Pickwick, -taking not the least notice of the threats that were addressed to him. - -'Robbers!' cried Mr. Pickwick, running to the stair-head, as -the two attorneys descended. - -'Robbers!' shouted Mr. Pickwick, breaking from Lowten and -Perker, and thrusting his head out of the staircase window. - -When Mr. Pickwick drew in his head again, his countenance -was smiling and placid; and, walking quietly back into the office, -he declared that he had now removed a great weight from his -mind, and that he felt perfectly comfortable and happy. - -Perker said nothing at all until he had emptied his snuff-box, -and sent Lowten out to fill it, when he was seized with a fit of -laughing, which lasted five minutes; at the expiration of which -time he said that he supposed he ought to be very angry, but he -couldn't think of the business seriously yet--when he could, he -would be. - -'Well, now,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me have a settlement with you.' -'Of the same kind as the last?' inquired Perker, with another laugh. -'Not exactly,' rejoined Mr. Pickwick, drawing out his pocket- -book, and shaking the little man heartily by the hand, 'I only -mean a pecuniary settlement. You have done me many acts of -kindness that I can never repay, and have no wish to repay, for -I prefer continuing the obligation.' - -With this preface, the two friends dived into some very complicated -accounts and vouchers, which, having been duly displayed and -gone through by Perker, were at once discharged by Mr. Pickwick -with many professions of esteem and friendship. - -They had no sooner arrived at this point, than a most violent -and startling knocking was heard at the door; it was not an -ordinary double-knock, but a constant and uninterrupted -succession of the loudest single raps, as if the knocker were -endowed with the perpetual motion, or the person outside had -forgotten to leave off. - -'Dear me, what's that?' exclaimed Perker, starting. - -'I think it is a knock at the door,' said Mr. Pickwick, as if -there could be the smallest doubt of the fact. - -The knocker made a more energetic reply than words could -have yielded, for it continued to hammer with surprising force -and noise, without a moment's cessation. - -'Dear me!' said Perker, ringing his bell, 'we shall alarm the -inn. Mr. Lowten, don't you hear a knock?' - -'I'll answer the door in one moment, Sir,' replied the clerk. - -The knocker appeared to hear the response, and to assert that -it was quite impossible he could wait so long. It made a -stupendous uproar. - -'It's quite dreadful,' said Mr. Pickwick, stopping his ears. - -'Make haste, Mr. Lowten,' Perker called out; 'we shall have -the panels beaten in.' - -Mr. Lowten, who was washing his hands in a dark closet, -hurried to the door, and turning the handle, beheld the appearance -which is described in the next chapter. - - - -CHAPTER LIV -CONTAINING SOME PARTICULARS RELATIVE TO THE - DOUBLE KNOCK, AND OTHER MATTERS: AMONG WHICH - CERTAIN INTERESTING DISCLOSURES RELATIVE TO Mr. - SNODGRASS AND A YOUNG LADY ARE BY NO MEANS - IRRELEVANT TO THIS HISTORY - -The object that presented itself to the eyes of the astonished -clerk, was a boy--a wonderfully fat boy--habited as a serving lad, -standing upright on the mat, with his eyes closed as if in sleep. -He had never seen such a fat boy, in or out of a travelling caravan; -and this, coupled with the calmness and repose of his appearance, -so very different from what was reasonably to have been expected -of the inflicter of such knocks, smote him with wonder. - -'What's the matter?' inquired the clerk. - -The extraordinary boy replied not a word; but he nodded -once, and seemed, to the clerk's imagination, to snore feebly. - -'Where do you come from?' inquired the clerk. - -The boy made no sign. He breathed heavily, but in all other -respects was motionless. - -The clerk repeated the question thrice, and receiving no -answer, prepared to shut the door, when the boy suddenly -opened his eyes, winked several times, sneezed once, and raised -his hand as if to repeat the knocking. Finding the door open, he -stared about him with astonishment, and at length fixed his eyes -on Mr. Lowten's face. - -'What the devil do you knock in that way for?' inquired the -clerk angrily. - -'Which way?' said the boy, in a slow and sleepy voice. - -'Why, like forty hackney-coachmen,' replied the clerk. - -'Because master said, I wasn't to leave off knocking till they -opened the door, for fear I should go to sleep,' said the boy. - -'Well,' said the clerk, 'what message have you brought?' - -'He's downstairs,' rejoined the boy. - -'Who?' - -'Master. He wants to know whether you're at home.' - -Mr. Lowten bethought himself, at this juncture, of looking -out of the window. Seeing an open carriage with a hearty old -gentleman in it, looking up very anxiously, he ventured to -beckon him; on which, the old gentleman jumped out directly. - -'That's your master in the carriage, I suppose?' said Lowten. - -The boy nodded. - -All further inquiries were superseded by the appearance of old -Wardle, who, running upstairs and just recognising Lowten, -passed at once into Mr. Perker's room. - -'Pickwick!' said the old gentleman. 'Your hand, my boy! Why -have I never heard until the day before yesterday of your suffering -yourself to be cooped up in jail? And why did you let him do -it, Perker?' - -'I couldn't help it, my dear Sir,' replied Perker, with a smile -and a pinch of snuff; 'you know how obstinate he is?' - -'Of course I do; of course I do,' replied the old gentleman. 'I -am heartily glad to see him, notwithstanding. I will not lose -sight of him again, in a hurry.' - -With these words, Wardle shook Mr. Pickwick's hand once -more, and, having done the same by Perker, threw himself into -an arm-chair, his jolly red face shining again with smiles and health. - -'Well!' said Wardle. 'Here are pretty goings on--a pinch of -your snuff, Perker, my boy--never were such times, eh?' - -'What do you mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Mean!' replied Wardle. 'Why, I think the girls are all running -mad; that's no news, you'll say? Perhaps it's not; but it's true, -for all that.' - -'You have not come up to London, of all places in the world, -to tell us that, my dear Sir, have you?' inquired Perker. - -'No, not altogether,' replied Wardle; 'though it was the main -cause of my coming. How's Arabella?' - -'Very well,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'and will be delighted to see -you, I am sure.' - -'Black-eyed little jilt!' replied Wardle. 'I had a great idea of -marrying her myself, one of these odd days. But I am glad of it -too, very glad.' - -'How did the intelligence reach you?' asked Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, it came to my girls, of course,'replied Wardle. 'Arabella -wrote, the day before yesterday, to say she had made a stolen -match without her husband's father's consent, and so you had -gone down to get it when his refusing it couldn't prevent the -match, and all the rest of it. I thought it a very good time to say -something serious to my girls; so I said what a dreadful thing it -was that children should marry without their parents' consent, -and so forth; but, bless your hearts, I couldn't make the least -impression upon them. They thought it such a much more -dreadful thing that there should have been a wedding without -bridesmaids, that I might as well have preached to Joe himself.' -Here the old gentleman stopped to laugh; and having done so -to his heart's content, presently resumed-- - -'But this is not the best of it, it seems. This is only half the -love-making and plotting that have been going forward. We -have been walking on mines for the last six months, and they're -sprung at last.' - -'What do you mean?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, turning pale; -'no other secret marriage, I hope?' - -'No, no,' replied old Wardle; 'not so bad as that; no.' - -'What then?' inquired Mr. Pickwick; 'am I interested in it?' - -'Shall I answer that question, Perker?' said Wardle. - -'If you don't commit yourself by doing so, my dear Sir.' - -'Well then, you are,' said Wardle. - -'How?' asked Mr. Pickwick anxiously. 'In what way?' - -'Really,' replied Wardle, 'you're such a fiery sort of a young -fellow that I am almost afraid to tell you; but, however, if -Perker will sit between us to prevent mischief, I'll venture.' - -Having closed the room door, and fortified himself with -another application to Perker's snuff-box, the old gentleman -proceeded with his great disclosure in these words-- - -'The fact is, that my daughter Bella--Bella, who married -young Trundle, you know.' - -'Yes, yes, we know,' said Mr. Pickwick impatiently. - -'Don't alarm me at the very beginning. My daughter Bella-- -Emily having gone to bed with a headache after she had read -Arabella's letter to me--sat herself down by my side the other -evening, and began to talk over this marriage affair. "Well, pa," -she says, "what do you think of it?" "Why, my dear," I said, -"I suppose it's all very well; I hope it's for the best." I answered -in this way because I was sitting before the fire at the time, drinking -my grog rather thoughtfully, and I knew my throwing in -an undecided word now and then, would induce her to continue talking. -Both my girls are pictures of their dear mother, and as I grow old -I like to sit with only them by me; for their voices and looks carry -me back to the happiest period of my life, and make me, for the -moment, as young as I used to be then, though not quite so light-hearted. -"It's quite a marriage of affection, pa," said Bella, after a short -silence. "Yes, my dear," said I, "but such marriages do not always turn -out the happiest."' - -'I question that, mind!' interposed Mr. Pickwick warmly. -'Very good,' responded Wardle, 'question anything you like -when it's your turn to speak, but don't interrupt me.' - -'I beg your pardon,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Granted,' replied Wardle. '"I am sorry to hear you express -your opinion against marriages of affection, pa," said Bella, -colouring a little. "I was wrong; I ought not to have said so, my -dear, either," said I, patting her cheek as kindly as a rough old -fellow like me could pat it, "for your mother's was one, and so -was yours." "It's not that I meant, pa," said Bella. "The fact is, -pa, I wanted to speak to you about Emily."' - -Mr. Pickwick started. - -'What's the matter now?' inquired Wardle, stopping in his narrative. - -'Nothing,'replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Pray go on.' - -'I never could spin out a story,' said Wardle abruptly. 'It must -come out, sooner or later, and it'll save us all a great deal of time -if it comes at once. The long and the short of it is, then, that -Bella at last mustered up courage to tell me that Emily was very -unhappy; that she and your young friend Snodgrass had been in -constant correspondence and communication ever since last -Christmas; that she had very dutifully made up her mind to run -away with him, in laudable imitation of her old friend and -school-fellow; but that having some compunctions of conscience -on the subject, inasmuch as I had always been rather kindly -disposed to both of them, they had thought it better in the first -instance to pay me the compliment of asking whether I would -have any objection to their being married in the usual matter-of- -fact manner. There now, Mr. Pickwick, if you can make it -convenient to reduce your eyes to their usual size again, and -to let me hear what you think we ought to do, I shall feel rather -obliged to you!' - -The testy manner in which the hearty old gentleman uttered -this last sentence was not wholly unwarranted; for Mr. Pickwick's -face had settled down into an expression of blank amazement -and perplexity, quite curious to behold. - -'Snodgrass!-since last Christmas!' were the first broken -words that issued from the lips of the confounded gentleman. - -'Since last Christmas,' replied Wardle; 'that's plain enough, -and very bad spectacles we must have worn, not to have discovered -it before.' - -'I don't understand it,' said Mr. Pickwick, ruminating; 'I -cannot really understand it.' - -'It's easy enough to understand it,' replied the choleric old -gentleman. 'If you had been a younger man, you would have -been in the secret long ago; and besides,' added Wardle, after a -moment's hesitation, 'the truth is, that, knowing nothing of this -matter, I have rather pressed Emily for four or five months past, -to receive favourably (if she could; I would never attempt to -force a girl's inclinations) the addresses of a young gentleman -down in our neighbourhood. I have no doubt that, girl-like, to -enhance her own value and increase the ardour of Mr. Snodgrass, -she has represented this matter in very glowing colours, and that -they have both arrived at the conclusion that they are a terribly- -persecuted pair of unfortunates, and have no resource but -clandestine matrimony, or charcoal. Now the question is, what's -to be done?' - -'What have YOU done?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'I!' - -'I mean what did you do when your married daughter told -you this?' - -'Oh, I made a fool of myself of course,' rejoined Wardle. - -'Just so,' interposed Perker, who had accompanied this -dialogue with sundry twitchings of his watch-chain, vindictive -rubbings of his nose, and other symptoms of impatience. 'That's -very natural; but how?' - -'I went into a great passion and frightened my mother into a -fit,' said Wardle. - -'That was judicious,' remarked Perker; 'and what else?' - -'I fretted and fumed all next day, and raised a great disturbance,' -rejoined the old gentleman. 'At last I got tired of rendering myself -unpleasant and making everybody miserable; so I hired a carriage at -Muggleton, and, putting my own horses in it, came up to town, under -pretence of bringing Emily to see Arabella.' - -'Miss Wardle is with you, then?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'To be sure she is,' replied Wardle. 'She is at Osborne's Hotel -in the Adelphi at this moment, unless your enterprising friend -has run away with her since I came out this morning.' - -'You are reconciled then?' said Perker. - -'Not a bit of it,' answered Wardle; 'she has been crying and -moping ever since, except last night, between tea and supper, -when she made a great parade of writing a letter that I pretended -to take no notice of.' - -'You want my advice in this matter, I suppose?' said Perker, -looking from the musing face of Mr. Pickwick to the eager -countenance of Wardle, and taking several consecutive pinches -of his favourite stimulant. - -'I suppose so,' said Wardle, looking at Mr. Pickwick. - -'Certainly,' replied that gentleman. - -'Well then,' said Perker, rising and pushing his chair back, -'my advice is, that you both walk away together, or ride away, or -get away by some means or other, for I'm tired of you, and just -talk this matter over between you. If you have not settled it by -the next time I see you, I'll tell you what to do.' - -'This is satisfactory,' said Wardle, hardly knowing whether to -smile or be offended. - -'Pooh, pooh, my dear Sir,' returned Perker. 'I know you both a -great deal better than you know yourselves. You have settled -it already, to all intents and purposes.' - -Thus expressing himself, the little gentleman poked his snuff- -box first into the chest of Mr. Pickwick, and then into the -waistcoat of Mr. Wardle, upon which they all three laughed, -especially the two last-named gentlemen, who at once shook -hands again, without any obvious or particular reason. - -'You dine with me to-day,' said Wardle to Perker, as he -showed them out. - -'Can't promise, my dear Sir, can't promise,' replied Perker. -'I'll look in, in the evening, at all events.' - -'I shall expect you at five,' said Wardle. 'Now, Joe!' And Joe -having been at length awakened, the two friends departed in -Mr. Wardle's carriage, which in common humanity had a dickey -behind for the fat boy, who, if there had been a footboard -instead, would have rolled off and killed himself in his very first nap. - -Driving to the George and Vulture, they found that Arabella -and her maid had sent for a hackney-coach immediately on the -receipt of a short note from Emily announcing her arrival in -town, and had proceeded straight to the Adelphi. As Wardle had -business to transact in the city, they sent the carriage and the fat -boy to his hotel, with the information that he and Mr. Pickwick -would return together to dinner at five o'clock. - -Charged with this message, the fat boy returned, slumbering as -peaceably in his dickey, over the stones, as if it had been a down -bed on watch springs. By some extraordinary miracle he awoke -of his own accord, when the coach stopped, and giving himself -a good shake to stir up his faculties, went upstairs to execute -his commission. - -Now, whether the shake had jumbled the fat boy's faculties -together, instead of arranging them in proper order, or had -roused such a quantity of new ideas within him as to render him -oblivious of ordinary forms and ceremonies, or (which is also -possible) had proved unsuccessful in preventing his falling asleep -as he ascended the stairs, it is an undoubted fact that he walked -into the sitting-room without previously knocking at the door; -and so beheld a gentleman with his arms clasping his young -mistress's waist, sitting very lovingly by her side on a sofa, while -Arabella and her pretty handmaid feigned to be absorbed in -looking out of a window at the other end of the room. At the -sight of this phenomenon, the fat boy uttered an interjection, -the ladies a scream, and the gentleman an oath, almost simultaneously. - -'Wretched creature, what do you want here?' said the gentleman, -who it is needless to say was Mr. Snodgrass. - -To this the fat boy, considerably terrified, briefly responded, 'Missis.' - -'What do you want me for,' inquired Emily, turning her head -aside, 'you stupid creature?' - -'Master and Mr. Pickwick is a-going to dine here at five,' -replied the fat boy. - -'Leave the room!' said Mr. Snodgrass, glaring upon the -bewildered youth. - -'No, no, no,' added Emily hastily. 'Bella, dear, advise me.' - -Upon this, Emily and Mr. Snodgrass, and Arabella and Mary, -crowded into a corner, and conversed earnestly in whispers for -some minutes, during which the fat boy dozed. - -'Joe,' said Arabella, at length, looking round with a most -bewitching smile, 'how do you do, Joe?' - -'Joe,' said Emily, 'you're a very good boy; I won't forget you, Joe.' - -'Joe,' said Mr. Snodgrass, advancing to the astonished youth, -and seizing his hand, 'I didn't know you before. There's five -shillings for you, Joe!" - -'I'll owe you five, Joe,' said Arabella, 'for old acquaintance -sake, you know;' and another most captivating smile was -bestowed upon the corpulent intruder. - -The fat boy's perception being slow, he looked rather puzzled -at first to account for this sudden prepossession in his favour, -and stared about him in a very alarming manner. At length his -broad face began to show symptoms of a grin of proportionately -broad dimensions; and then, thrusting half-a-crown into each of -his pockets, and a hand and wrist after it, he burst into a horse -laugh: being for the first and only time in his existence. - -'He understands us, I see,' said Arabella. -'He had better have something to eat, immediately,' remarked Emily. - -The fat boy almost laughed again when he heard this suggestion. -Mary, after a little more whispering, tripped forth from the -group and said-- - -'I am going to dine with you to-day, sir, if you have no objection.' - -'This way,' said the fat boy eagerly. 'There is such a jolly -meat-pie!' - -With these words, the fat boy led the way downstairs; his -pretty companion captivating all the waiters and angering all the -chambermaids as she followed him to the eating-room. - -There was the meat-pie of which the youth had spoken so -feelingly, and there were, moreover, a steak, and a dish of -potatoes, and a pot of porter. - -'Sit down,' said the fat boy. 'Oh, my eye, how prime! I am SO hungry.' - -Having apostrophised his eye, in a species of rapture, five or -six times, the youth took the head of the little table, and Mary -seated herself at the bottom. - -'Will you have some of this?' said the fat boy, plunging into -the pie up to the very ferules of the knife and fork. - -'A little, if you please,' replied Mary. - -The fat boy assisted Mary to a little, and himself to a great -deal, and was just going to begin eating when he suddenly laid -down his knife and fork, leaned forward in his chair, and letting -his hands, with the knife and fork in them, fall on his knees, said, -very slowly-- - -'I say! How nice you look!' - -This was said in an admiring manner, and was, so far, gratifying; -but still there was enough of the cannibal in the young -gentleman's eyes to render the compliment a double one. - -'Dear me, Joseph,' said Mary, affecting to blush, 'what do you mean?' - -The fat boy, gradually recovering his former position, replied -with a heavy sigh, and, remaining thoughtful for a few moments, -drank a long draught of the porter. Having achieved this feat, he -sighed again, and applied himself assiduously to the pie. - -'What a nice young lady Miss Emily is!' said Mary, after a -long silence. - -The fat boy had by this time finished the pie. He fixed his eyes -on Mary, and replied-- -'I knows a nicerer.' - -'Indeed!' said Mary. - -'Yes, indeed!' replied the fat boy, with unwonted vivacity. - -'What's her name?' inquired Mary. - -'What's yours?' - -'Mary.' - -'So's hers,' said the fat boy. 'You're her.' The boy grinned to -add point to the compliment, and put his eyes into something -between a squint and a cast, which there is reason to believe he -intended for an ogle. - -'You mustn't talk to me in that way,' said Mary; 'you don't -mean it.' - -'Don't I, though?' replied the fat boy. 'I say?' - -'Well?' - -'Are you going to come here regular?' - -'No,' rejoined Mary, shaking her head, 'I'm going away again -to-night. Why?' - -'Oh,' said the fat boy, in a tone of strong feeling; 'how we -should have enjoyed ourselves at meals, if you had been!' - -'I might come here sometimes, perhaps, to see you,' said -Mary, plaiting the table-cloth in assumed coyness, 'if you would -do me a favour.' - -The fat boy looked from the pie-dish to the steak, as if he -thought a favour must be in a manner connected with something -to eat; and then took out one of the half-crowns and glanced at -it nervously. - -'Don't you understand me?' said Mary, looking slily in his fat face. - -Again he looked at the half-crown, and said faintly, 'No.' - -'The ladies want you not to say anything to the old gentleman -about the young gentleman having been upstairs; and I want -you too.' - -,is that all?' said the fat boy, evidently very much relieved, as -he pocketed the half-crown again. 'Of course I ain't a-going to.' - -'You see,' said Mary, 'Mr. Snodgrass is very fond of Miss -Emily, and Miss Emily's very fond of him, and if you were to tell -about it, the old gentleman would carry you all away miles into -the country, where you'd see nobody.' - -'No, no, I won't tell,' said the fat boy stoutly. - -'That's a dear,' said Mary. 'Now it's time I went upstairs, and -got my lady ready for dinner.' - -'Don't go yet,' urged the fat boy. - -'I must,' replied Mary. 'Good-bye, for the present.' - -The fat boy, with elephantine playfulness, stretched out his -arms to ravish a kiss; but as it required no great agility to elude -him, his fair enslaver had vanished before he closed them again; -upon which the apathetic youth ate a pound or so of steak with -a sentimental countenance, and fell fast asleep. - -There was so much to say upstairs, and there were so many -plans to concert for elopement and matrimony in the event of old -Wardle continuing to be cruel, that it wanted only half an hour -of dinner when Mr. Snodgrass took his final adieu. The ladies ran -to Emily's bedroom to dress, and the lover, taking up his hat, -walked out of the room. He had scarcely got outside the door, -when he heard Wardle's voice talking loudly, and looking over -the banisters beheld him, followed by some other gentlemen, -coming straight upstairs. Knowing nothing of the house, Mr. -Snodgrass in his confusion stepped hastily back into the room he -had just quitted, and passing thence into an inner apartment -(Mr. Wardle's bedchamber), closed the door softly, just as the -persons he had caught a glimpse of entered the sitting-room. -These were Mr. Wardle, Mr. Pickwick, Mr. Nathaniel Winkle, -and Mr. Benjamin Allen, whom he had no difficulty in recognising -by their voices. - -'Very lucky I had the presence of mind to avoid them,' thought -Mr. Snodgrass with a smile, and walking on tiptoe to another -door near the bedside; 'this opens into the same passage, and I -can walk quietly and comfortably away.' - -There was only one obstacle to his walking quietly and comfortably -away, which was that the door was locked and the key gone. - -'Let us have some of your best wine to-day, waiter,' said old -Wardle, rubbing his hands. - -'You shall have some of the very best, sir,' replied the waiter. - -'Let the ladies know we have come in.' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -Devoutly and ardently did Mr. Snodgrass wish that the ladies -could know he had come in. He ventured once to whisper, -'Waiter!' through the keyhole, but the probability of the wrong -waiter coming to his relief, flashed upon his mind, together with -a sense of the strong resemblance between his own situation and -that in which another gentleman had been recently found in a -neighbouring hotel (an account of whose misfortunes had -appeared under the head of 'Police' in that morning's paper), he -sat himself on a portmanteau, and trembled violently. - -'We won't wait a minute for Perker,' said Wardle, looking at -his watch; 'he is always exact. He will be here, in time, if he -means to come; and if he does not, it's of no use waiting. Ha! Arabella!' - -'My sister!' exclaimed Mr. Benjamin Allen, folding her in a -most romantic embrace. - -'Oh, Ben, dear, how you do smell of tobacco,' said Arabella, -rather overcome by this mark of affection. - -'Do I?' said Mr. Benjamin Allen. 'Do I, Bella? Well, perhaps -I do.' - -Perhaps he did, having just left a pleasant little smoking-party -of twelve medical students, in a small back parlour with a large fire. - -'But I am delighted to see you,' said Mr. Ben Allen. 'Bless you, Bella!' - -'There,' said Arabella, bending forward to kiss her brother; -'don't take hold of me again, Ben, dear, because you tumble me so.' - -At this point of the reconciliation, Mr. Ben Allen allowed his -feelings and the cigars and porter to overcome him, and looked -round upon the beholders with damp spectacles. - -'is nothing to be said to me?' cried Wardle, with open arms. - -'A great deal,' whispered Arabella, as she received the old -gentleman's hearty caress and congratulation. 'You are a hard- -hearted, unfeeling, cruel monster.' - -'You are a little rebel,' replied Wardle, in the same tone, 'and -I am afraid I shall be obliged to forbid you the house. People like -you, who get married in spite of everybody, ought not to be let -loose on society. But come!' added the old gentleman aloud, -'here's the dinner; you shall sit by me. Joe; why, damn the boy, -he's awake!' - -To the great distress of his master, the fat boy was indeed in a -state of remarkable vigilance, his eyes being wide open, and -looking as if they intended to remain so. There was an alacrity in -his manner, too, which was equally unaccountable; every time -his eyes met those of Emily or Arabella, he smirked and grinned; -once, Wardle could have sworn, he saw him wink. - -This alteration in the fat boy's demeanour originated in his -increased sense of his own importance, and the dignity he -acquired from having been taken into the confidence of the -young ladies; and the smirks, and grins, and winks were so many -condescending assurances that they might depend upon his -fidelity. As these tokens were rather calculated to awaken -suspicion than allay it, and were somewhat embarrassing besides, -they were occasionally answered by a frown or shake of the head -from Arabella, which the fat boy, considering as hints to be on -his guard, expressed his perfect understanding of, by smirking, -grinning, and winking, with redoubled assiduity. - -'Joe,' said Mr. Wardle, after an unsuccessful search in all his -pockets, 'is my snuff-box on the sofa?' - -'No, sir,' replied the fat boy. - -'Oh, I recollect; I left it on my dressing-table this morning,' -said Wardle. 'Run into the next room and fetch it.' - -The fat boy went into the next room; and, having been absent -about a minute, returned with the snuff-box, and the palest face -that ever a fat boy wore. - -'What's the matter with the boy?' exclaimed Wardle. - -'Nothen's the matter with me,' replied Joe nervously. - -'Have you been seeing any spirits?' inquired the old gentleman. - -'Or taking any?' added Ben Allen. - -'I think you're right,' whispered Wardle across the table. 'He -is intoxicated, I'm sure.' - -Ben Allen replied that he thought he was; and, as that gentleman -had seen a vast deal of the disease in question, Wardle was -confirmed in an impression which had been hovering about his -mind for half an hour, and at once arrived at the conclusion that -the fat boy was drunk. - -'Just keep your eye upon him for a few minutes,' murmured -Wardle. 'We shall soon find out whether he is or not.' - -The unfortunate youth had only interchanged a dozen words -with Mr. Snodgrass, that gentleman having implored him to -make a private appeal to some friend to release him, and then -pushed him out with the snuff-box, lest his prolonged absence -should lead to a discovery. He ruminated a little with a most -disturbed expression of face, and left the room in search of Mary. - -But Mary had gone home after dressing her mistress, and the -fat boy came back again more disturbed than before. - -Wardle and Mr. Ben Allen exchanged glances. -'Joe!' said Wardle. - -'Yes, sir.' - -'What did you go away for?' - -The fat boy looked hopelessly in the face of everybody at -table, and stammered out that he didn't know. - -'Oh,' said Wardle, 'you don't know, eh? Take this cheese to -Mr. Pickwick.' - -Now, Mr. Pickwick being in the very best health and spirits, -had been making himself perfectly delightful all dinner-time, and -was at this moment engaged in an energetic conversation with -Emily and Mr. Winkle; bowing his head, courteously, in the -emphasis of his discourse, gently waving his left hand to lend -force to his observations, and all glowing with placid smiles. He -took a piece of cheese from the plate, and was on the point of -turning round to renew the conversation, when the fat boy, -stooping so as to bring his head on a level with that of Mr. -Pickwick, pointed with his thumb over his shoulder, and made -the most horrible and hideous face that was ever seen out of a -Christmas pantomime. - -'Dear me!' said Mr. Pickwick, starting, 'what a very--Eh?' -He stopped, for the fat boy had drawn himself up, and was, -or pretended to be, fast asleep. - -'What's the matter?' inquired Wardle. - -'This is such an extremely singular lad!' replied Mr. Pickwick, -looking uneasily at the boy. 'It seems an odd thing to say, but -upon my word I am afraid that, at times, he is a little deranged.' - -'Oh! Mr. Pickwick, pray don't say so,' cried Emily and -Arabella, both at once. - -'I am not certain, of course,' said Mr. Pickwick, amidst -profound silence and looks of general dismay; 'but his manner -to me this moment really was very alarming. Oh!' ejaculated -Mr. Pickwick, suddenly jumping up with a short scream. 'I beg -your pardon, ladies, but at that moment he ran some sharp -instrument into my leg. Really, he is not safe.' - -'He's drunk,' roared old Wardle passionately. 'Ring the bell! -Call the waiters! He's drunk.' - -'I ain't,' said the fat boy, falling on his knees as his master -seized him by the collar. 'I ain't drunk.' - -'Then you're mad; that's worse. Call the waiters,' said the old -gentleman. - -'I ain't mad; I'm sensible,' rejoined the fat boy, beginning -to cry. - -'Then, what the devil did you run sharp instruments into -Mr. Pickwick's legs for?' inquired Wardle angrily. - -'He wouldn't look at me,' replied the boy. 'I wanted to speak -to him.' - -'What did you want to say?' asked half a dozen voices at once. - -The fat boy gasped, looked at the bedroom door, gasped -again, and wiped two tears away with the knuckle of each of his -forefingers. - -'What did you want to say?' demanded Wardle, shaking him. - -'Stop!' said Mr. Pickwick; 'allow me. What did you wish to -communicate to me, my poor boy?' - -'I want to whisper to you,' replied the fat boy. - -'You want to bite his ear off, I suppose,' said Wardle. 'Don't -come near him; he's vicious; ring the bell, and let him be taken -downstairs.' - -Just as Mr. Winkle caught the bell-rope in his hand, it -was arrested by a general expression of astonishment; the -captive lover, his face burning with confusion, suddenly walked -in from the bedroom, and made a comprehensive bow to the company. - -'Hollo!' cried Wardle, releasing the fat boy's collar, and -staggering back. 'What's this?' - -'I have been concealed in the next room, sir, since you -returned,' explained Mr. Snodgrass. - -'Emily, my girl,' said Wardle reproachfully, 'I detest meanness -and deceit; this is unjustifiable and indelicate in the highest -degree. I don't deserve this at your hands, Emily, indeed!' - -'Dear papa,' said Emily, 'Arabella knows--everybody here -knows--Joe knows--that I was no party to this concealment. -Augustus, for Heaven's sake, explain it!' - -Mr. Snodgrass, who had only waited for a hearing, at once -recounted how he had been placed in his then distressing -predicament; how the fear of giving rise to domestic dissensions -had alone prompted him to avoid Mr. Wardle on his entrance; -how he merely meant to depart by another door, but, finding it -locked, had been compelled to stay against his will. It was a -painful situation to be placed in; but he now regretted it the less, -inasmuch as it afforded him an opportunity of acknowledging, -before their mutual friends, that he loved Mr. Wardle's daughter -deeply and sincerely; that he was proud to avow that the feeling -was mutual; and that if thousands of miles were placed between -them, or oceans rolled their waters, he could never for an instant -forget those happy days, when first-- et cetera, et cetera. - -Having delivered himself to this effect, Mr. Snodgrass bowed -again, looked into the crown of his hat, and stepped towards the door. - -'Stop!' shouted Wardle. 'Why, in the name of all that's--' - -'Inflammable,' mildly suggested Mr. Pickwick, who thought -something worse was coming. - -'Well--that's inflammable,' said Wardle, adopting the substitute; -'couldn't you say all this to me in the first instance?' - -'Or confide in me?' added Mr. Pickwick. - -'Dear, dear,' said Arabella, taking up the defence, 'what is the -use of asking all that now, especially when you know you had -set your covetous old heart on a richer son-in-law, and are so -wild and fierce besides, that everybody is afraid of you, except -me? Shake hands with him, and order him some dinner, for -goodness gracious' sake, for he looks half starved; and pray have -your wine up at once, for you'll not be tolerable until you have -taken two bottles at least.' - -The worthy old gentleman pulled Arabella's ear, kissed her -without the smallest scruple, kissed his daughter also with great -affection, and shook Mr. Snodgrass warmly by the hand. - -'She is right on one point at all events,' said the old gentleman -cheerfully. 'Ring for the wine!' - -The wine came, and Perker came upstairs at the same moment. -Mr. Snodgrass had dinner at a side table, and, when he had -despatched it, drew his chair next Emily, without the smallest -opposition on the old gentleman's part. - -The evening was excellent. Little Mr. Perker came out wonderfully, -told various comic stories, and sang a serious song which -was almost as funny as the anecdotes. Arabella was very charming, -Mr. Wardle very jovial, Mr. Pickwick very harmonious, -Mr. Ben Allen very uproarious, the lovers very silent, Mr. Winkle -very talkative, and all of them very happy. - - - -CHAPTER LV -Mr. SOLOMON PELL, ASSISTED BY A SELECT COMMITTEE - OF COACHMEN, ARRANGES THE AFFAIRS OF THE ELDER - Mr. WELLER - - -'Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, accosting his son on the morning after -the funeral, 'I've found it, Sammy. I thought it wos there.' - -'Thought wot wos there?' inquired Sam. - -'Your mother-in-law's vill, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'In -wirtue o' vich, them arrangements is to be made as I told you on, -last night, respectin' the funs.' - -'Wot, didn't she tell you were it wos?' inquired Sam. - -'Not a bit on it, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller. 'We wos -a adjestin' our little differences, and I wos a-cheerin' her spirits -and bearin' her up, so that I forgot to ask anythin' about it. I -don't know as I should ha' done it, indeed, if I had remembered -it,' added Mr. Weller, 'for it's a rum sort o' thing, Sammy, to go -a-hankerin' arter anybody's property, ven you're assistin' 'em in -illness. It's like helping an outside passenger up, ven he's been -pitched off a coach, and puttin' your hand in his pocket, vile you -ask him, vith a sigh, how he finds his-self, Sammy.' - -With this figurative illustration of his meaning, Mr. Weller -unclasped his pocket-book, and drew forth a dirty sheet of -letter-paper, on which were inscribed various characters crowded -together in remarkable confusion. - -'This here is the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller. 'I found -it in the little black tea-pot, on the top shelf o' the bar closet. -She used to keep bank-notes there, 'fore she vos married, -Samivel. I've seen her take the lid off, to pay a bill, many and -many a time. Poor creetur, she might ha' filled all the tea-pots in -the house vith vills, and not have inconwenienced herself neither, -for she took wery little of anythin' in that vay lately, 'cept on the -temperance nights, ven they just laid a foundation o' tea to put -the spirits atop on!' - -'What does it say?' inquired Sam. - -'Jist vot I told you, my boy,' rejoined his parent. 'Two hundred -pound vurth o' reduced counsels to my son-in-law, Samivel, and -all the rest o' my property, of ev'ry kind and description votsoever, -to my husband, Mr. Tony Veller, who I appint as my sole eggzekiter.' - -'That's all, is it?' said Sam. - -'That's all,' replied Mr. Weller. 'And I s'pose as it's all right -and satisfactory to you and me as is the only parties interested, -ve may as vell put this bit o' paper into the fire.' - -'Wot are you a-doin' on, you lunatic?' said Sam, snatching the -paper away, as his parent, in all innocence, stirred the fire -preparatory to suiting the action to the word. 'You're a nice -eggzekiter, you are.' - -'Vy not?' inquired Mr. Weller, looking sternly round, with the -poker in his hand. - -'Vy not?' exclaimed Sam. ''Cos it must be proved, and probated, -and swore to, and all manner o' formalities.' - -'You don't mean that?' said Mr. Weller, laying down the poker. - -Sam buttoned the will carefully in a side pocket; intimating by -a look, meanwhile, that he did mean it, and very seriously too. - -'Then I'll tell you wot it is,' said Mr. Weller, after a short -meditation, 'this is a case for that 'ere confidential pal o' the -Chancellorship's. Pell must look into this, Sammy. He's the man -for a difficult question at law. Ve'll have this here brought afore -the Solvent Court, directly, Samivel.' - -'I never did see such a addle-headed old creetur!' exclaimed -Sam irritably; 'Old Baileys, and Solvent Courts, and alleybis, -and ev'ry species o' gammon alvays a-runnin' through his brain. -You'd better get your out o' door clothes on, and come to town -about this bisness, than stand a-preachin' there about wot you -don't understand nothin' on.' - -'Wery good, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, 'I'm quite agreeable -to anythin' as vill hexpedite business, Sammy. But mind this here, -my boy, nobody but Pell--nobody but Pell as a legal adwiser.' - -'I don't want anybody else,' replied Sam. 'Now, are you a-comin'?' - -'Vait a minit, Sammy,' replied Mr. Weller, who, having tied -his shawl with the aid of a small glass that hung in the window, -was now, by dint of the most wonderful exertions, struggling into -his upper garments. 'Vait a minit' Sammy; ven you grow as old -as your father, you von't get into your veskit quite as easy as you -do now, my boy.' - -'If I couldn't get into it easier than that, I'm blessed if I'd vear -vun at all,' rejoined his son. - -'You think so now,' said Mr. Weller, with the gravity of age, -'but you'll find that as you get vider, you'll get viser. Vidth and -visdom, Sammy, alvays grows together.' - -As Mr. Weller delivered this infallible maxim--the result of -many years' personal experience and observation--he contrived, -by a dexterous twist of his body, to get the bottom button of his -coat to perform its office. Having paused a few seconds to -recover breath, he brushed his hat with his elbow, and declared -himself ready. - -'As four heads is better than two, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, -as they drove along the London Road in the chaise-cart, 'and as -all this here property is a wery great temptation to a legal -gen'l'm'n, ve'll take a couple o' friends o' mine vith us, as'll be -wery soon down upon him if he comes anythin' irreg'lar; two o' -them as saw you to the Fleet that day. They're the wery best -judges,' added Mr. Weller, in a half-whisper--'the wery best -judges of a horse, you ever know'd.' - -'And of a lawyer too?' inquired Sam. - -'The man as can form a ackerate judgment of a animal, can -form a ackerate judgment of anythin',' replied his father, so -dogmatically, that Sam did not attempt to controvert the position. - -In pursuance of this notable resolution, the services of the -mottled-faced gentleman and of two other very fat coachmen ---selected by Mr. Weller, probably, with a view to their width and -consequent wisdom--were put into requisition; and this -assistance having been secured, the party proceeded to the -public-house in Portugal Street, whence a messenger was -despatched to the Insolvent Court over the way, requiring Mr. -Solomon Pell's immediate attendance. - -The messenger fortunately found Mr. Solomon Pell in court, -regaling himself, business being rather slack, with a cold collation -of an Abernethy biscuit and a saveloy. The message was no -sooner whispered in his ear than he thrust them in his pocket -among various professional documents, and hurried over the way -with such alacrity that he reached the parlour before the messenger -had even emancipated himself from the court. - -'Gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, touching his hat, 'my service to -you all. I don't say it to flatter you, gentlemen, but there are not -five other men in the world, that I'd have come out of that court -for, to-day.' - -'So busy, eh?' said Sam. - -'Busy!' replied Pell; 'I'm completely sewn up, as my friend the -late Lord Chancellor many a time used to say to me, gentlemen, -when he came out from hearing appeals in the House of Lords. -Poor fellow; he was very susceptible to fatigue; he used to feel -those appeals uncommonly. I actually thought more than once -that he'd have sunk under 'em; I did, indeed.' - -Here Mr. Pell shook his head and paused; on which, the elder -Mr. Weller, nudging his neighbour, as begging him to mark the -attorney's high connections, asked whether the duties in question -produced any permanent ill effects on the constitution of his -noble friend. - -'I don't think he ever quite recovered them,' replied Pell; 'in -fact I'm sure he never did. "Pell," he used to say to me many a -time, "how the blazes you can stand the head-work you do, is -a mystery to me."--"Well," I used to answer, "I hardly know -how I do it, upon my life."--"Pell," he'd add, sighing, and -looking at me with a little envy--friendly envy, you know, -gentlemen, mere friendly envy; I never minded it--"Pell, you're -a wonder; a wonder." Ah! you'd have liked him very much if -you had known him, gentlemen. Bring me three-penn'orth of -rum, my dear.' - -Addressing this latter remark to the waitress, in a tone of -subdued grief, Mr. Pell sighed, looked at his shoes and the -ceiling; and, the rum having by that time arrived, drank it up. - -'However,' said Pell, drawing a chair to the table, 'a professional -man has no right to think of his private friendships when -his legal assistance is wanted. By the bye, gentlemen, since I saw -you here before, we have had to weep over a very melancholy -occurrence.' - -Mr. Pell drew out a pocket-handkerchief, when he came to the -word weep, but he made no further use of it than to wipe away -a slight tinge of rum which hung upon his upper lip. - -'I saw it in the ADVERTISER, Mr. Weller,' continued Pell. 'Bless -my soul, not more than fifty-two! Dear me--only think.' - -These indications of a musing spirit were addressed to the -mottled-faced man, whose eyes Mr. Pell had accidentally caught; -on which, the mottled-faced man, whose apprehension of matters -in general was of a foggy nature, moved uneasily in his seat, and -opined that, indeed, so far as that went, there was no saying how -things was brought about; which observation, involving one of -those subtle propositions which it is difficult to encounter in -argument, was controverted by nobody. - -'I have heard it remarked that she was a very fine woman, -Mr. Weller,' said Pell, in a sympathising manner. - -'Yes, sir, she wos,' replied the elder Mr. Weller, not much -relishing this mode of discussing the subject, and yet thinking -that the attorney, from his long intimacy with the late Lord -Chancellor, must know best on all matters of polite breeding. -'She wos a wery fine 'ooman, sir, ven I first know'd her. She wos -a widder, sir, at that time.' - -'Now, it's curious,' said Pell, looking round with a sorrowful -smile; 'Mrs. Pell was a widow.' - -'That's very extraordinary,' said the mottled-faced man. - -'Well, it is a curious coincidence,' said Pell. - -'Not at all,' gruffly remarked the elder Mr. Weller. 'More -widders is married than single wimin.' - -'Very good, very good,' said Pell, 'you're quite right, Mr. -Weller. Mrs. Pell was a very elegant and accomplished woman; -her manners were the theme of universal admiration in our -neighbourhood. I was proud to see that woman dance; there was -something so firm and dignified, and yet natural, in her motion. -Her cutting, gentlemen, was simplicity itself. Ah! well, well! -Excuse my asking the question, Mr. Samuel,' continued the -attorney in a lower voice, 'was your mother-in-law tall?' - -'Not wery,' replied Sam. - -'Mrs. Pell was a tall figure,' said Pell, 'a splendid woman, with -a noble shape, and a nose, gentlemen, formed to command and -be majestic. She was very much attached to me--very much-- -highly connected, too. Her mother's brother, gentlemen, failed -for eight hundred pounds, as a law stationer.' - -'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, who had grown rather restless during -this discussion, 'vith regard to bis'ness.' - -The word was music to Pell's ears. He had been revolving in -his mind whether any business was to be transacted, or whether -he had been merely invited to partake of a glass of brandy-and- -water, or a bowl of punch, or any similar professional compliment, -and now the doubt was set at rest without his appearing -at all eager for its solution. His eyes glistened as he laid his hat -on the table, and said-- - -'What is the business upon which--um? Either of these -gentlemen wish to go through the court? We require an arrest; -a friendly arrest will do, you know; we are all friends here, I suppose?' - -'Give me the dockyment, Sammy,' said Mr. Weller, taking the -will from his son, who appeared to enjoy the interview amazingly. -'Wot we rekvire, sir, is a probe o' this here.' - -'Probate, my dear Sir, probate,' said Pell. - -'Well, sir,' replied Mr. Weller sharply, 'probe and probe it, is -wery much the same; if you don't understand wot I mean, sir, -I des-say I can find them as does.' - -'No offence, I hope, Mr. Weller,' said Pell meekly. 'You are -the executor, I see,' he added, casting his eyes over the paper. - -'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'These other gentlemen, I presume, are legatees, are they?' -inquired Pell, with a congratulatory smile. - -'Sammy is a leg-at-ease,' replied Mr. Weller; 'these other -gen'l'm'n is friends o' mine, just come to see fair; a kind of -umpires.' - -'Oh!' said Pell, 'very good. I have no objections, I'm sure. I -shall want a matter of five pound of you before I begin, ha! -ha! ha!' - -It being decided by the committee that the five pound might -be advanced, Mr. Weller produced that sum; after which, a long -consultation about nothing particular took place, in the course -whereof Mr. Pell demonstrated to the perfect satisfaction of the -gentlemen who saw fair, that unless the management of the -business had been intrusted to him, it must all have gone wrong, -for reasons not clearly made out, but no doubt sufficient. This -important point being despatched, Mr. Pell refreshed himself -with three chops, and liquids both malt and spirituous, at the -expense of the estate; and then they all went away to Doctors' Commons. - -The next day there was another visit to Doctors' Commons, -and a great to-do with an attesting hostler, who, being inebriated, -declined swearing anything but profane oaths, to the great -scandal of a proctor and surrogate. Next week, there were more -visits to Doctors' Commons, and there was a visit to the Legacy -Duty Office besides, and there were treaties entered into, for the -disposal of the lease and business, and ratifications of the same, -and inventories to be made out, and lunches to be taken, and -dinners to be eaten, and so many profitable things to be done, -and such a mass of papers accumulated that Mr. Solomon Pell, -and the boy, and the blue bag to boot, all got so stout that -scarcely anybody would have known them for the same man, -boy, and bag, that had loitered about Portugal Street, a few days before. - -At length all these weighty matters being arranged, a day was -fixed for selling out and transferring the stock, and of waiting -with that view upon Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, stock-broker, of -somewhere near the bank, who had been recommended by Mr. -Solomon Pell for the purpose. - -It was a kind of festive occasion, and the parties were attired -accordingly. Mr. Weller's tops were newly cleaned, and his dress -was arranged with peculiar care; the mottled-faced gentleman -wore at his button-hole a full-sized dahlia with several leaves; -and the coats of his two friends were adorned with nosegays of -laurel and other evergreens. All three were habited in strict -holiday costume; that is to say, they were wrapped up to the -chins, and wore as many clothes as possible, which is, and has -been, a stage-coachman's idea of full dress ever since stage- -coaches were invented. - -Mr. Pell was waiting at the usual place of meeting at the -appointed time; even he wore a pair of gloves and a clean shirt, -much frayed at the collar and wristbands by frequent washings. - -'A quarter to two,' said Pell, looking at the parlour clock. 'If -we are with Mr. Flasher at a quarter past, we shall just hit the -best time.' - -'What should you say to a drop o' beer, gen'l'm'n?' suggested -the mottled-faced man. -'And a little bit o' cold beef,' said the second coachman. - -'Or a oyster,' added the third, who was a hoarse gentleman, -supported by very round legs. - -'Hear, hear!' said Pell; 'to congratulate Mr. Weller, on his -coming into possession of his property, eh? Ha! ha!' - -'I'm quite agreeable, gen'l'm'n,' answered Mr. Weller. -'Sammy, pull the bell.' - -Sammy complied; and the porter, cold beef, and oysters being -promptly produced, the lunch was done ample justice to. Where -everybody took so active a part, it is almost invidious to make a -distinction; but if one individual evinced greater powers than -another, it was the coachman with the hoarse voice, who took an -imperial pint of vinegar with his oysters, without betraying the -least emotion. - -'Mr. Pell, Sir,' said the elder Mr. Weller, stirring a glass of -brandy-and-water, of which one was placed before every gentleman -when the oyster shells were removed--'Mr. Pell, Sir, it wos -my intention to have proposed the funs on this occasion, but -Samivel has vispered to me--' - -Here Mr. Samuel Weller, who had silently eaten his oysters -with tranquil smiles, cried, 'Hear!' in a very loud voice. - ---'Has vispered to me,' resumed his father, 'that it vould be -better to dewote the liquor to vishin' you success and prosperity, -and thankin' you for the manner in which you've brought this -here business through. Here's your health, sir.' - -'Hold hard there,' interposed the mottled-faced gentleman, -with sudden energy; 'your eyes on me, gen'l'm'n!' - -Saying this, the mottled-faced gentleman rose, as did the other -gentlemen. The mottled-faced gentleman reviewed the company, -and slowly lifted his hand, upon which every man (including him -of the mottled countenance) drew a long breath, and lifted his -tumbler to his lips. In one instant, the mottled-faced gentleman -depressed his hand again, and every glass was set down empty. -It is impossible to describe the thrilling effect produced by this -striking ceremony. At once dignified, solemn, and impressive, it -combined every element of grandeur. - -'Well, gentlemen,' said Mr. Pell, 'all I can say is, that such -marks of confidence must be very gratifying to a professional -man. I don't wish to say anything that might appear egotistical, -gentlemen, but I'm very glad, for your own sakes, that you came -to me; that's all. If you had gone to any low member of the -profession, it's my firm conviction, and I assure you of it as a -fact, that you would have found yourselves in Queer Street -before this. I could have wished my noble friend had been alive -to have seen my management of this case. I don't say it out of -pride, but I think-- However, gentlemen, I won't trouble you -with that. I'm generally to be found here, gentlemen, but if I'm -not here, or over the way, that's my address. You'll find my terms -very cheap and reasonable, and no man attends more to his -clients than I do, and I hope I know a little of my profession -besides. If you have any opportunity of recommending me to -any of your friends, gentlemen, I shall be very much obliged to -you, and so will they too, when they come to know me. Your -healths, gentlemen.' - -With this expression of his feelings, Mr. Solomon Pell laid -three small written cards before Mr. Weller's friends, and, -looking at the clock again, feared it was time to be walking. -Upon this hint Mr. Weller settled the bill, and, issuing forth, the -executor, legatee, attorney, and umpires, directed their steps -towards the city. - -The office of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, of the Stock Exchange, -was in a first floor up a court behind the Bank of England; the -house of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was at Brixton, Surrey; the -horse and stanhope of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, were at an -adjacent livery stable; the groom of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, -was on his way to the West End to deliver some game; the clerk -of Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, had gone to his dinner; and -so Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, himself, cried, 'Come in,' when -Mr. Pell and his companions knocked at the counting-house door. - -'Good-morning, Sir,' said Pell, bowing obsequiously. 'We want -to make a little transfer, if you please.' - -'Oh, just come in, will you?' said Mr. Flasher. 'Sit down a -minute; I'll attend to you directly.' - -'Thank you, Sir,' said Pell, 'there's no hurry. Take a chair, -Mr. Weller.' - -Mr. Weller took a chair, and Sam took a box, and the umpires -took what they could get, and looked at the almanac and one or -two papers which were wafered against the wall, with as much -open-eyed reverence as if they had been the finest efforts of the -old masters. - -'Well, I'll bet you half a dozen of claret on it; come!' said -Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, resuming the conversation to which -Mr. Pell's entrance had caused a momentary interruption. - -This was addressed to a very smart young gentleman who wore -his hat on his right whisker, and was lounging over the desk, -killing flies with a ruler. Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was balancing -himself on two legs of an office stool, spearing a wafer-box with -a penknife, which he dropped every now and then with great -dexterity into the very centre of a small red wafer that was stuck -outside. Both gentlemen had very open waistcoats and very -rolling collars, and very small boots, and very big rings, and very -little watches, and very large guard-chains, and symmetrical -inexpressibles, and scented pocket-handkerchiefs. - -'I never bet half a dozen!' said the other gentleman. 'I'll take -a dozen.' - -'Done, Simmery, done!' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. - -'P. P., mind,' observed the other. - -'Of course,' replied Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. Wilkins Flasher, -Esquire, entered it in a little book, with a gold pencil-case, and -the other gentleman entered it also, in another little book with -another gold pencil-case. - -'I see there's a notice up this morning about Boffer,' observed -Mr. Simmery. 'Poor devil, he's expelled the house!' - -'I'll bet you ten guineas to five, he cuts his throat,' said Wilkins -Flasher, Esquire. - -'Done,' replied Mr. Simmery. - -'Stop! I bar,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, thoughtfully. -'Perhaps he may hang himself.' - -'Very good,' rejoined Mr. Simmery, pulling out the gold -pencil-case again. 'I've no objection to take you that way. Say, -makes away with himself.' - -'Kills himself, in fact,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. - -'Just so,' replied Mr. Simmery, putting it down. '"Flasher-- -ten guineas to five, Boffer kills himself." Within what time shall -we say?' - -'A fortnight?' suggested Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. - -'Con-found it, no,' rejoined Mr. Simmery, stopping for an -instant to smash a fly with the ruler. 'Say a week.' - -'Split the difference,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'Make it -ten days.' - -'Well; ten days,'rejoined Mr. Simmery. - -So it was entered down on the little books that Boffer was to -kill himself within ten days, or Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, was to -hand over to Frank Simmery, Esquire, the sum of ten guineas; -and that if Boffer did kill himself within that time, Frank -Simmery, Esquire, would pay to Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, five -guineas, instead. - -'I'm very sorry he has failed,' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. -'Capital dinners he gave.' - -'Fine port he had too,' remarked Mr. Simmery. 'We are going -to send our butler to the sale to-morrow, to pick up some of that -sixty-four.' - -'The devil you are!' said Wilkins Flasher, Esquire. 'My man's -going too. Five guineas my man outbids your man.' - -'Done.' - -Another entry was made in the little books, with the gold -pencil-cases; and Mr. Simmery, having by this time killed all the -flies and taken all the bets, strolled away to the Stock Exchange -to see what was going forward. - -Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, now condescended to receive Mr. -Solomon Pell's instructions, and having filled up some printed -forms, requested the party to follow him to the bank, which -they did: Mr. Weller and his three friends staring at all they -beheld in unbounded astonishment, and Sam encountering -everything with a coolness which nothing could disturb. - -Crossing a courtyard which was all noise and bustle, and -passing a couple of porters who seemed dressed to match the -red fire engine which was wheeled away into a corner, they -passed into an office where their business was to be transacted, -and where Pell and Mr. Flasher left them standing for a few -moments, while they went upstairs into the Will Office. - -'Wot place is this here?' whispered the mottled-faced gentleman -to the elder Mr. Weller. - -'Counsel's Office,' replied the executor in a whisper. - -'Wot are them gen'l'men a-settin' behind the counters?' asked -the hoarse coachman. - -'Reduced counsels, I s'pose,' replied Mr. Weller. 'Ain't they -the reduced counsels, Samivel?' - -'Wy, you don't suppose the reduced counsels is alive, do you?' -inquired Sam, with some disdain. - -'How should I know?' retorted Mr. Weller; 'I thought they -looked wery like it. Wot are they, then?' - -'Clerks,' replied Sam. - -'Wot are they all a-eatin' ham sangwidges for?' inquired his father. - -''Cos it's in their dooty, I suppose,' replied Sam, 'it's a part o' -the system; they're alvays a-doin' it here, all day long!' -Mr. Weller and his friends had scarcely had a moment to -reflect upon this singular regulation as connected with the -monetary system of the country, when they were rejoined by Pell -and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, who led them to a part of the -counter above which was a round blackboard with a large 'W.' on it. - -'Wot's that for, Sir?' inquired Mr. Weller, directing Pell's -attention to the target in question. - -'The first letter of the name of the deceased,' replied Pell. - -'I say,' said Mr. Weller, turning round to the umpires, there's -somethin' wrong here. We's our letter--this won't do.' - -The referees at once gave it as their decided opinion that the -business could not be legally proceeded with, under the letter -W., and in all probability it would have stood over for one day -at least, had it not been for the prompt, though, at first sight, -undutiful behaviour of Sam, who, seizing his father by the skirt -of the coat, dragged him to the counter, and pinned him there, -until he had affixed his signature to a couple of instruments; -which, from Mr. Weller's habit of printing, was a work of so -much labour and time, that the officiating clerk peeled and ate -three Ribstone pippins while it was performing. - -As the elder Mr. Weller insisted on selling out his portion -forthwith, they proceeded from the bank to the gate of the Stock -Exchange, to which Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, after a short -absence, returned with a cheque on Smith, Payne, & Smith, for -five hundred and thirty pounds; that being the money to which -Mr. Weller, at the market price of the day, was entitled, in -consideration of the balance of the second Mrs. Weller's funded -savings. Sam's two hundred pounds stood transferred to his -name, and Wilkins Flasher, Esquire, having been paid his -commission, dropped the money carelessly into his coat pocket, -and lounged back to his office. - -Mr. Weller was at first obstinately determined on cashing the -cheque in nothing but sovereigns; but it being represented by the -umpires that by so doing he must incur the expense of a small -sack to carry them home in, he consented to receive the amount -in five-pound notes. - -'My son,' said Mr. Weller, as they came out of the banking- -house--'my son and me has a wery partickler engagement this -arternoon, and I should like to have this here bis'ness settled out -of hand, so let's jest go straight avay someveres, vere ve can -hordit the accounts.' - -A quiet room was soon found, and the accounts were produced -and audited. Mr. Pell's bill was taxed by Sam, and some charges -were disallowed by the umpires; but, notwithstanding Mr. Pell's -declaration, accompanied with many solemn asseverations that -they were really too hard upon him, it was by very many degrees -the best professional job he had ever had, and one on which he -boarded, lodged, and washed, for six months afterwards. - -The umpires having partaken of a dram, shook hands and -departed, as they had to drive out of town that night. Mr. -Solomon Pell, finding that nothing more was going forward, -either in the eating or drinking way, took a friendly leave, and -Sam and his father were left alone. - -'There!' said Mr. Weller, thrusting his pocket-book in his side -pocket. 'Vith the bills for the lease, and that, there's eleven -hundred and eighty pound here. Now, Samivel, my boy, turn the -horses' heads to the George and Wulter!' - - - -CHAPTER LVI -AN IMPORTANT CONFERENCE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN - Mr. PICKWICK AND SAMUEL WELLER, AT WHICH HIS - PARENT ASSISTS--AN OLD GENTLEMAN IN A SNUFF- - COLOURED SUIT ARRIVES UNEXPECTEDLY - - -Mr. Pickwick was sitting alone, musing over many things, and thinking -among other considerations how he could best provide for the young -couple whose present unsettled condition was matter of constant -regret and anxiety to him, when Mary stepped lightly into the room, -and, advancing to the table, said, rather hastily-- - -'Oh, if you please, Sir, Samuel is downstairs, and he says may -his father see you?' - -'Surely,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'Thank you, Sir,' said Mary, tripping towards the door again. - -'Sam has not been here long, has he?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Oh, no, Sir,' replied Mary eagerly. 'He has only just come -home. He is not going to ask you for any more leave, Sir, he says.' - -Mary might have been conscious that she had communicated -this last intelligence with more warmth than seemed actually -necessary, or she might have observed the good-humoured smile -with which Mr. Pickwick regarded her, when she had finished -speaking. She certainly held down her head, and examined the -corner of a very smart little apron, with more closeness than -there appeared any absolute occasion for. - -'Tell them they can come up at once, by all means,' said -Mr. Pickwick. - -Mary, apparently much relieved, hurried away with her message. - -Mr. Pickwick took two or three turns up and down the room; -and, rubbing his chin with his left hand as he did so, appeared -lost in thought. - -'Well, well,' said Mr. Pickwick, at length in a kind but somewhat -melancholy tone, 'it is the best way in which I could reward -him for his attachment and fidelity; let it be so, in Heaven's -name. It is the fate of a lonely old man, that those about him -should form new and different attachments and leave him. I have -no right to expect that it should be otherwise with me. No, no,' -added Mr. Pickwick more cheerfully, 'it would be selfish and -ungrateful. I ought to be happy to have an opportunity of -providing for him so well. I am. Of course I am.' - -Mr. Pickwick had been so absorbed in these reflections, that a -knock at the door was three or four times repeated before he -heard it. Hastily seating himself, and calling up his accustomed -pleasant looks, he gave the required permission, and Sam Weller -entered, followed by his father. - -'Glad to see you back again, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'How -do you do, Mr. Weller?' - -'Wery hearty, thank'ee, sir,' replied the widower; 'hope I see -you well, sir.' - -'Quite, I thank you,' replied Mr. Pickwick. - -'I wanted to have a little bit o' conwersation with you, sir,' said -Mr. Weller, 'if you could spare me five minits or so, sir.' - -'Certainly,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Sam, give your father a chair.' - -'Thank'ee, Samivel, I've got a cheer here,' said Mr. Weller, -bringing one forward as he spoke; 'uncommon fine day it's been, -sir,' added the old gentleman, laying his hat on the floor as he sat -himself down. - -'Remarkably so, indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'Very seasonable.' - -'Seasonablest veather I ever see, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller. -Here, the old gentleman was seized with a violent fit of coughing, -which, being terminated, he nodded his head and winked and -made several supplicatory and threatening gestures to his son, all -of which Sam Weller steadily abstained from seeing. - -Mr. Pickwick, perceiving that there was some embarrassment -on the old gentleman's part, affected to be engaged in cutting the -leaves of a book that lay beside him, and waited patiently until -Mr. Weller should arrive at the object of his visit. - -'I never see sich a aggrawatin' boy as you are, Samivel,' said -Mr. Weller, looking indignantly at his son; 'never in all my born days.' - -'What is he doing, Mr. Weller?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'He von't begin, sir,' rejoined Mr. Weller; 'he knows I ain't -ekal to ex-pressin' myself ven there's anythin' partickler to -be done, and yet he'll stand and see me a-settin' here taking -up your walable time, and makin' a reg'lar spectacle o' myself, -rayther than help me out vith a syllable. It ain't filial conduct, -Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, wiping his forehead; 'wery far from it.' - -'You said you'd speak,' replied Sam; 'how should I know you -wos done up at the wery beginnin'?' - -'You might ha' seen I warn't able to start,' rejoined his father; -'I'm on the wrong side of the road, and backin' into the palin's, -and all manner of unpleasantness, and yet you von't put out a -hand to help me. I'm ashamed on you, Samivel.' - -'The fact is, Sir,' said Sam, with a slight bow, 'the gov'nor's -been a-drawin' his money.' - -'Wery good, Samivel, wery good,' said Mr. Weller, nodding -his head with a satisfied air, 'I didn't mean to speak harsh to -you, Sammy. Wery good. That's the vay to begin. Come to the -pint at once. Wery good indeed, Samivel.' - -Mr. Weller nodded his head an extraordinary number of -times, in the excess of his gratification, and waited in a listening -attitude for Sam to resume his statement. - -'You may sit down, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, apprehending that -the interview was likely to prove rather longer than he had expected. - -Sam bowed again and sat down; his father looking round, he -continued-- - -'The gov'nor, sir, has drawn out five hundred and thirty pound.' - -'Reduced counsels,' interposed Mr. Weller, senior, in an undertone. - -'It don't much matter vether it's reduced counsels, or wot not,' -said Sam; 'five hundred and thirty pounds is the sum, ain't it?' - -'All right, Samivel,' replied Mr. Weller. - -'To vich sum, he has added for the house and bisness--' - -'Lease, good-vill, stock, and fixters,' interposed Mr. Weller. - -'As much as makes it,' continued Sam, 'altogether, eleven -hundred and eighty pound.' - -'Indeed!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I am delighted to hear it. I -congratulate you, Mr. Weller, on having done so well.' - -'Vait a minit, Sir,' said Mr. Weller, raising his hand in a -deprecatory manner. 'Get on, Samivel.' - -'This here money,' said Sam, with a little hesitation, 'he's -anxious to put someveres, vere he knows it'll be safe, and I'm -wery anxious too, for if he keeps it, he'll go a-lendin' it to somebody, -or inwestin' property in horses, or droppin' his pocket-book -down an airy, or makin' a Egyptian mummy of his-self in -some vay or another.' - -'Wery good, Samivel,' observed Mr. Weller, in as complacent -a manner as if Sam had been passing the highest eulogiums on -his prudence and foresight. 'Wery good.' - -'For vich reasons,' continued Sam, plucking nervously at the -brim of his hat--'for vich reasons, he's drawn it out to-day, and -come here vith me to say, leastvays to offer, or in other vords--' - -'To say this here,' said the elder Mr. Weller impatiently, 'that -it ain't o' no use to me. I'm a-goin' to vork a coach reg'lar, and -ha'n't got noveres to keep it in, unless I vos to pay the guard -for takin' care on it, or to put it in vun o' the coach pockets, -vich 'ud be a temptation to the insides. If you'll take care on -it for me, sir, I shall be wery much obliged to you. P'raps,' said -Mr. Weller, walking up to Mr. Pickwick and whispering in his -ear--'p'raps it'll go a little vay towards the expenses o' that -'ere conwiction. All I say is, just you keep it till I ask you for it -again.' With these words, Mr. Weller placed the pocket-book -in Mr. Pickwick's hands, caught up his hat, and ran out of the room -with a celerity scarcely to be expected from so corpulent a subject. - -'Stop him, Sam!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick earnestly. 'Overtake -him; bring him back instantly! Mr. Weller--here--come back!' - -Sam saw that his master's injunctions were not to be disobeyed; -and, catching his father by the arm as he was descending the -stairs, dragged him back by main force. - -'My good friend,' said Mr. Pickwick, taking the old man by -the hand, 'your honest confidence overpowers me.' - -'I don't see no occasion for nothin' o' the kind, Sir,' replied -Mr. Weller obstinately. - -'I assure you, my good friend, I have more money than I can -ever need; far more than a man at my age can ever live to spend,' -said Mr. Pickwick. - -'No man knows how much he can spend, till he tries,' observed -Mr. Weller. - -'Perhaps not,' replied Mr. Pickwick; 'but as I have no intention -of trying any such experiments, I am not likely to come to want. -I must beg you to take this back, Mr. Weller.' -'Wery well,' said Mr. Weller, with a discontented look. 'Mark -my vords, Sammy, I'll do somethin' desperate vith this here -property; somethin' desperate!' - -'You'd better not,' replied Sam. - -Mr. Weller reflected for a short time, and then, buttoning up -his coat with great determination, said-- - -'I'll keep a pike.' - -'Wot!' exclaimed Sam. - -'A pike!' rejoined Mr. Weller, through his set teeth; 'I'll keep -a pike. Say good-bye to your father, Samivel. I dewote the -remainder of my days to a pike.' - -This threat was such an awful one, and Mr. Weller, besides -appearing fully resolved to carry it into execution, seemed so -deeply mortified by Mr. Pickwick's refusal, that that gentleman, -after a short reflection, said-- - -'Well, well, Mr. Weller, I will keep your money. I can do more -good with it, perhaps, than you can.' - -'Just the wery thing, to be sure,' said Mr. Weller, brightening -up; 'o' course you can, sir.' - -'Say no more about it,' said Mr. Pickwick, locking the pocket- -book in his desk; 'I am heartily obliged to you, my good friend. -Now sit down again. I want to ask your advice.' - -The internal laughter occasioned by the triumphant success of -his visit, which had convulsed not only Mr. Weller's face, but -his arms, legs, and body also, during the locking up of the pocket- -book, suddenly gave place to the most dignified gravity as he -heard these words. - -'Wait outside a few minutes, Sam, will you?' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Sam immediately withdrew. - -Mr. Weller looked uncommonly wise and very much amazed, -when Mr. Pickwick opened the discourse by saying-- - -'You are not an advocate for matrimony, I think, Mr. Weller?' - -Mr. Weller shook his head. He was wholly unable to speak; -vague thoughts of some wicked widow having been successful in -her designs on Mr. Pickwick, choked his utterance. - -'Did you happen to see a young girl downstairs when you came -in just now with your son?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Yes. I see a young gal,' replied Mr. Weller shortly. - -'What did you think of her, now? Candidly, Mr. Weller, -what did you think of her?' - -'I thought she wos wery plump, and vell made,' said Mr. -Weller, with a critical air. - -'So she is,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'so she is. What did you think -of her manners, from what you saw of her?' - -'Wery pleasant,' rejoined Mr. Weller. 'Wery pleasant and -comformable.' - -The precise meaning which Mr. Weller attached to this last- -mentioned adjective, did not appear; but, as it was evident from -the tone in which he used it that it was a favourable expression, -Mr. Pickwick was as well satisfied as if he had been thoroughly -enlightened on the subject. - -'I take a great interest in her, Mr. Weller,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -Mr. Weller coughed. - -'I mean an interest in her doing well,' resumed Mr. Pickwick; -'a desire that she may be comfortable and prosperous. You understand?' - -'Wery clearly,' replied Mr. Weller, who understood nothing yet. - -'That young person,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is attached to your son.' - -'To Samivel Veller!' exclaimed the parent. - -'Yes,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'It's nat'ral,' said Mr. Weller, after some consideration, -'nat'ral, but rayther alarmin'. Sammy must be careful.' - -'How do you mean?' inquired Mr. Pickwick. - -'Wery careful that he don't say nothin' to her,' responded -Mr. Weller. 'Wery careful that he ain't led avay, in a innocent -moment, to say anythin' as may lead to a conwiction for breach. -You're never safe vith 'em, Mr. Pickwick, ven they vunce has -designs on you; there's no knowin' vere to have 'em; and vile -you're a-considering of it, they have you. I wos married fust, that -vay myself, Sir, and Sammy wos the consekens o' the manoover.' - -'You give me no great encouragement to conclude what I have -to say,' observed Mr. Pickwick, 'but I had better do so at once. -This young person is not only attached to your son, Mr. Weller, -but your son is attached to her.' - -'Vell,' said Mr. Weller, 'this here's a pretty sort o' thing to -come to a father's ears, this is!' - -'I have observed them on several occasions,' said Mr. Pickwick, -making no comment on Mr. Weller's last remark; 'and entertain -no doubt at all about it. Supposing I were desirous of establishing -them comfortably as man and wife in some little business or -situation, where they might hope to obtain a decent living, what -should you think of it, Mr. Weller?' - -At first, Mr. Weller received with wry faces a proposition -involving the marriage of anybody in whom he took an interest; -but, as Mr. Pickwick argued the point with him, and laid great -stress on the fact that Mary was not a widow, he gradually became -more tractable. Mr. Pickwick had great influence over him, and -he had been much struck with Mary's appearance; having, in -fact, bestowed several very unfatherly winks upon her, already. -At length he said that it was not for him to oppose Mr. Pickwick's -inclination, and that he would be very happy to yield to his -advice; upon which, Mr. Pickwick joyfully took him at his word, -and called Sam back into the room. - -'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, clearing his throat, 'your father and -I have been having some conversation about you.' - -'About you, Samivel,' said Mr. Weller, in a patronising and -impressive voice. - -'I am not so blind, Sam, as not to have seen, a long time since, -that you entertain something more than a friendly feeling -towards Mrs. Winkle's maid,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'You hear this, Samivel?' said Mr. Weller, in the same judicial -form of speech as before. - -'I hope, Sir,' said Sam, addressing his master, 'I hope there's -no harm in a young man takin' notice of a young 'ooman as is -undeniably good-looking and well-conducted.' - -'Certainly not,' said Mr. Pickwick. - -'Not by no means,' acquiesced Mr. Weller, affably but magisterially. - -'So far from thinking there is anything wrong in conduct so -natural,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'it is my wish to assist and -promote your wishes in this respect. With this view, I have had -a little conversation with your father; and finding that he is of -my opinion--' - -'The lady not bein' a widder,' interposed Mr. Weller in explanation. - -'The lady not being a widow,' said Mr. Pickwick, smiling. 'I -wish to free you from the restraint which your present position -imposes upon you, and to mark my sense of your fidelity and -many excellent qualities, by enabling you to marry this girl at -once, and to earn an independent livelihood for yourself and -family. I shall be proud, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, whose voice -had faltered a little hitherto, but now resumed its customary tone, -'proud and happy to make your future prospects in life my -grateful and peculiar care.' - -There was a profound silence for a short time, and then Sam -said, in a low, husky sort of voice, but firmly withal-- - -'I'm very much obliged to you for your goodness, Sir, as is -only like yourself; but it can't be done.' - -'Can't be done!' ejaculated Mr. Pickwick in astonishment. - -'Samivel!' said Mr. Weller, with dignity. - -'I say it can't be done,' repeated Sam in a louder key. 'Wot's -to become of you, Sir?' - -'My good fellow,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'the recent changes -among my friends will alter my mode of life in future, entirely; -besides, I am growing older, and want repose and quiet. My -rambles, Sam, are over.' - -'How do I know that 'ere, sir?' argued Sam. 'You think so -now! S'pose you wos to change your mind, vich is not unlikely, -for you've the spirit o' five-and-twenty in you still, what 'ud -become on you vithout me? It can't be done, Sir, it can't be done.' - -'Wery good, Samivel, there's a good deal in that,' said Mr. -Weller encouragingly. - -'I speak after long deliberation, Sam, and with the certainty -that I shall keep my word,' said Mr. Pickwick, shaking his head. -'New scenes have closed upon me; my rambles are at an end.' - -'Wery good,' rejoined Sam. 'Then, that's the wery best reason -wy you should alvays have somebody by you as understands you, -to keep you up and make you comfortable. If you vant a more -polished sort o' feller, vell and good, have him; but vages or no -vages, notice or no notice, board or no board, lodgin' or no -lodgin', Sam Veller, as you took from the old inn in the Borough, -sticks by you, come what may; and let ev'rythin' and ev'rybody -do their wery fiercest, nothin' shall ever perwent it!' - -At the close of this declaration, which Sam made with great -emotion, the elder Mr. Weller rose from his chair, and, forgetting -all considerations of time, place, or propriety, waved his hat -above his head, and gave three vehement cheers. - -'My good fellow,' said Mr. Pickwick, when Mr. Weller had -sat down again, rather abashed at his own enthusiasm, 'you are -bound to consider the young woman also.' - -'I do consider the young 'ooman, Sir,' said Sam. 'I have -considered the young 'ooman. I've spoke to her. I've told her -how I'm sitivated; she's ready to vait till I'm ready, and I believe -she vill. If she don't, she's not the young 'ooman I take her for, -and I give her up vith readiness. You've know'd me afore, Sir. -My mind's made up, and nothin' can ever alter it.' - -Who could combat this resolution? Not Mr. Pickwick. He -derived, at that moment, more pride and luxury of feeling from -the disinterested attachment of his humble friends, than ten -thousand protestations from the greatest men living could have -awakened in his heart. - -While this conversation was passing in Mr. Pickwick's room, -a little old gentleman in a suit of snuff-coloured clothes, followed -by a porter carrying a small portmanteau, presented himself -below; and, after securing a bed for the night, inquired of the -waiter whether one Mrs. Winkle was staying there, to which -question the waiter of course responded in the affirmative. - -'Is she alone?' inquired the old gentleman. - -'I believe she is, Sir,' replied the waiter; 'I can call her own -maid, Sir, if you--' - -'No, I don't want her,' said the old gentleman quickly. 'Show -me to her room without announcing me.' - -'Eh, Sir?' said the waiter. - -'Are you deaf?' inquired the little old gentleman. - -'No, sir.' - -'Then listen, if you please. Can you hear me now?' - -'Yes, Sir.' - -'That's well. Show me to Mrs. Winkle's room, without -announcing me.' - -As the little old gentleman uttered this command, he slipped -five shillings into the waiter's hand, and looked steadily at him. - -'Really, sir,' said the waiter, 'I don't know, sir, whether--' - -'Ah! you'll do it, I see,' said the little old gentleman. 'You had -better do it at once. It will save time.' - -There was something so very cool and collected in the gentleman's -manner, that the waiter put the five shillings in his pocket, -and led him upstairs without another word. - -'This is the room, is it?' said the gentleman. 'You may go.' -The waiter complied, wondering much who the gentleman -could be, and what he wanted; the little old gentleman, waiting -till he was out of sight, tapped at the door. - -'Come in,' said Arabella. - -'Um, a pretty voice, at any rate,' murmured the little old -gentleman; 'but that's nothing.' As he said this, he opened the -door and walked in. Arabella, who was sitting at work, rose on -beholding a stranger--a little confused--but by no means -ungracefully so. - -'Pray don't rise, ma'am,' said the unknown, walking in, and -closing the door after him. 'Mrs. Winkle, I believe?' - -Arabella inclined her head. - -'Mrs. Nathaniel Winkle, who married the son of the old man at -Birmingham?' said the stranger, eyeing Arabella with visible curiosity. - -Again Arabella inclined her head, and looked uneasily round, -as if uncertain whether to call for assistance. - -'I surprise you, I see, ma'am,' said the old gentleman. - -'Rather, I confess,' replied Arabella, wondering more and more. - -'I'll take a chair, if you'll allow me, ma'am,' said the stranger. - -He took one; and drawing a spectacle-case from his pocket, -leisurely pulled out a pair of spectacles, which he adjusted on -his nose. - -'You don't know me, ma'am?' he said, looking so intently at -Arabella that she began to feel alarmed. - -'No, sir,' she replied timidly. - -'No,' said the gentleman, nursing his left leg; 'I don't know -how you should. You know my name, though, ma'am.' - -'Do I?' said Arabella, trembling, though she scarcely knew -why. 'May I ask what it is?' - -'Presently, ma'am, presently,' said the stranger, not having yet -removed his eyes from her countenance. 'You have been recently -married, ma'am?' - -'I have,' replied Arabella, in a scarcely audible tone, laying -aside her work, and becoming greatly agitated as a thought, that -had occurred to her before, struck more forcibly upon her mind. - -'Without having represented to your husband the propriety of -first consulting his father, on whom he is dependent, I think?' -said the stranger. - -Arabella applied her handkerchief to her eyes. - -'Without an endeavour, even, to ascertain, by some indirect -appeal, what were the old man's sentiments on a point in which -he would naturally feel much interested?' said the stranger. - -'I cannot deny it, Sir,' said Arabella. - -'And without having sufficient property of your own to afford -your husband any permanent assistance in exchange for the -worldly advantages which you knew he would have gained if he -had married agreeably to his father's wishes?' said the old gentleman. -'This is what boys and girls call disinterested affection, till -they have boys and girls of their own, and then they see it in a -rougher and very different light!' - -Arabella's tears flowed fast, as she pleaded in extenuation that -she was young and inexperienced; that her attachment had alone -induced her to take the step to which she had resorted; and that -she had been deprived of the counsel and guidance of her parents -almost from infancy. - -'It was wrong,' said the old gentleman in a milder tone, 'very -wrong. It was romantic, unbusinesslike, foolish.' - -'It was my fault; all my fault, Sir,' replied poor Arabella, weeping. - -'Nonsense,' said the old gentleman; 'it was not your fault that -he fell in love with you, I suppose? Yes it was, though,' said the -old gentleman, looking rather slily at Arabella. 'It was your fault. -He couldn't help it.' - -This little compliment, or the little gentleman's odd way of -paying it, or his altered manner--so much kinder than it was, at -first--or all three together, forced a smile from Arabella in the -midst of her tears. - -'Where's your husband?' inquired the old gentleman, abruptly; -stopping a smile which was just coming over his own face. - -'I expect him every instant, sir,' said Arabella. 'I persuaded -him to take a walk this morning. He is very low and wretched at -not having heard from his father.' - -'Low, is he?' said the old gentlemen. 'Serve him right!' - -'He feels it on my account, I am afraid,' said Arabella; 'and -indeed, Sir, I feel it deeply on his. I have been the sole means of -bringing him to his present condition.' - -'Don't mind it on his account, my dear,' said the old gentleman. -'It serves him right. I am glad of it--actually glad of it, as -far as he is concerned.' - -The words were scarcely out of the old gentleman's lips, -when footsteps were heard ascending the stairs, which he and -Arabella seemed both to recognise at the same moment. The -little gentleman turned pale; and, making a strong effort -to appear composed, stood up, as Mr. Winkle entered the room. - -'Father!' cried Mr. Winkle, recoiling in amazement. - -'Yes, sir,' replied the little old gentleman. 'Well, Sir, what have -you got to say to me?' - -Mr. Winkle remained silent. - -'You are ashamed of yourself, I hope, Sir?' said the old gentleman. - -Still Mr. Winkle said nothing. - -'Are you ashamed of yourself, Sir, or are you not?' inquired the -old gentleman. - -'No, Sir,' replied Mr. Winkle, drawing Arabella's arm through -his. 'I am not ashamed of myself, or of my wife either.' - -'Upon my word!' cried the old gentleman ironically. - -'I am very sorry to have done anything which has lessened your -affection for me, Sir,' said Mr. Winkle; 'but I will say, at the same -time, that I have no reason to be ashamed of having this lady for -my wife, nor you of having her for a daughter.' - -'Give me your hand, Nat,' said the old gentleman, in an -altered voice. 'Kiss me, my love. You are a very charming little -daughter-in-law after all!' - -In a few minutes' time Mr. Winkle went in search of Mr. -Pickwick, and returning with that gentleman, presented him to -his father, whereupon they shook hands for five minutes incessantly. - -'Mr. Pickwick, I thank you most heartily for all your kindness -to my son,' said old Mr. Winkle, in a bluff, straightforward way. -'I am a hasty fellow, and when I saw you last, I was vexed and -taken by surprise. I have judged for myself now, and am more -than satisfied. Shall I make any more apologies, Mr. Pickwick?' - -'Not one,' replied that gentleman. 'You have done the only -thing wanting to complete my happiness.' - -Hereupon there was another shaking of hands for five minutes -longer, accompanied by a great number of complimentary -speeches, which, besides being complimentary, had the additional -and very novel recommendation of being sincere. - -Sam had dutifully seen his father to the Belle Sauvage, when, -on returning, he encountered the fat boy in the court, who had -been charged with the delivery of a note from Emily Wardle. - -'I say,' said Joe, who was unusually loquacious, 'what a pretty -girl Mary is, isn't she? I am SO fond of her, I am!' - -Mr. Weller made no verbal remark in reply; but eyeing the fat -boy for a moment, quite transfixed at his presumption, led him -by the collar to the corner, and dismissed him with a harmless -but ceremonious kick. After which, he walked home, whistling. - - - -CHAPTER LVII -IN WHICH THE PICKWICK CLUB IS FINALLY DISSOLVED, - AND EVERYTHING CONCLUDED TO THE SATISFACTION - OF EVERYBODY - - -For a whole week after the happy arrival of Mr. Winkle from -Birmingham, Mr. Pickwick and Sam Weller were from home all day -long, only returning just in time for dinner, and then wearing -an air of mystery and importance quite foreign to their natures. -It was evident that very grave and eventful proceedings were on -foot; but various surmises were afloat, respecting their precise -character. Some (among whom was Mr. Tupman) were disposed to think -that Mr. Pickwick contemplated a matrimonial alliance; but this -idea the ladies most strenuously repudiated. Others rather inclined -to the belief that he had projected some distant tour, and was at -present occupied in effecting the preliminary arrangements; but -this again was stoutly denied by Sam himself, who had unequivocally -stated, when cross-examined by Mary, that no new journeys were -to be undertaken. At length, when the brains of the whole party had -been racked for six long days, by unavailing speculation, it was -unanimously resolved that Mr. Pickwick should be called upon to -explain his conduct, and to state distinctly why he had thus absented -himself from the society of his admiring friends. - -With this view, Mr. Wardle invited the full circle to dinner at -the Adelphi; and the decanters having been thrice sent round, -opened the business. - -'We are all anxious to know,' said the old gentleman, 'what -we have done to offend you, and to induce you to desert us and -devote yourself to these solitary walks.' - -'Are you?' said Mr. Pickwick. 'It is singular enough that I had -intended to volunteer a full explanation this very day; so, if you -will give me another glass of wine, I will satisfy your curiosity.' - -The decanters passed from hand to hand with unwonted -briskness, and Mr. Pickwick, looking round on the faces of his -friends with a cheerful smile, proceeded-- -'All the changes that have taken place among us,' said Mr. -Pickwick, 'I mean the marriage that HAS taken place, and the -marriage that WILL take place, with the changes they involve, -rendered it necessary for me to think, soberly and at once, upon -my future plans. I determined on retiring to some quiet, pretty -neighbourhood in the vicinity of London; I saw a house which -exactly suited my fancy; I have taken it and furnished it. It is -fully prepared for my reception, and I intend entering upon it -at once, trusting that I may yet live to spend many quiet years in -peaceful retirement, cheered through life by the society of my -friends, and followed in death by their affectionate remembrance.' - -Here Mr. Pickwick paused, and a low murmur ran round the table. - -'The house I have taken,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'is at Dulwich. -It has a large garden, and is situated in one of the most pleasant -spots near London. It has been fitted up with every attention to -substantial comfort; perhaps to a little elegance besides; but of -that you shall judge for yourselves. Sam accompanies me there. -I have engaged, on Perker's representation, a housekeeper--a -very old one--and such other servants as she thinks I shall -require. I propose to consecrate this little retreat, by having a -ceremony in which I take a great interest, performed there. I -wish, if my friend Wardle entertains no objection, that his -daughter should be married from my new house, on the day I -take possession of it. The happiness of young people,' said -Mr. Pickwick, a little moved, 'has ever been the chief pleasure of -my life. It will warm my heart to witness the happiness of those -friends who are dearest to me, beneath my own roof.' - -Mr. Pickwick paused again: Emily and Arabella sobbed audibly. - -'I have communicated, both personally and by letter, with the -club,' resumed Mr. Pickwick, 'acquainting them with my intention. -During our long absence, it has suffered much from internal -dissentions; and the withdrawal of my name, coupled with this -and other circumstances, has occasioned its dissolution. The -Pickwick Club exists no longer. - -'I shall never regret,' said Mr. Pickwick in a low voice, 'I shall -never regret having devoted the greater part of two years to -mixing with different varieties and shades of human character, -frivolous as my pursuit of novelty may have appeared to many. -Nearly the whole of my previous life having been devoted to -business and the pursuit of wealth, numerous scenes of which I -had no previous conception have dawned upon me--I hope to -the enlargement of my mind, and the improvement of my -understanding. If I have done but little good, I trust I have done -less harm, and that none of my adventures will be other than a -source of amusing and pleasant recollection to me in the decline -of life. God bless you all!' - -With these words, Mr. Pickwick filled and drained a bumper -with a trembling hand; and his eyes moistened as his friends -rose with one accord, and pledged him from their hearts. - -There were few preparatory arrangements to be made for the -marriage of Mr. Snodgrass. As he had neither father nor mother, -and had been in his minority a ward of Mr. Pickwick's, that -gentleman was perfectly well acquainted with his possessions and -prospects. His account of both was quite satisfactory to Wardle ---as almost any other account would have been, for the good old -gentleman was overflowing with Hilarity and kindness--and a -handsome portion having been bestowed upon Emily, the -marriage was fixed to take place on the fourth day from that time ---the suddenness of which preparations reduced three dressmakers -and a tailor to the extreme verge of insanity. - -Getting post-horses to the carriage, old Wardle started off, -next day, to bring his mother back to town. Communicating his -intelligence to the old lady with characteristic impetuosity, she -instantly fainted away; but being promptly revived, ordered the -brocaded silk gown to be packed up forthwith, and proceeded -to relate some circumstances of a similar nature attending the -marriage of the eldest daughter of Lady Tollimglower, deceased, -which occupied three hours in the recital, and were not half -finished at last. - -Mrs. Trundle had to be informed of all the mighty preparations -that were making in London; and, being in a delicate state of -health, was informed thereof through Mr. Trundle, lest the news -should be too much for her; but it was not too much for her, -inasmuch as she at once wrote off to Muggleton, to order a new -cap and a black satin gown, and moreover avowed her determination -of being present at the ceremony. Hereupon, Mr. -Trundle called in the doctor, and the doctor said Mrs. Trundle -ought to know best how she felt herself, to which Mrs. Trundle -replied that she felt herself quite equal to it, and that she had -made up her mind to go; upon which the doctor, who was a wise -and discreet doctor, and knew what was good for himself, as well -as for other people, said that perhaps if Mrs. Trundle stopped at -home, she might hurt herself more by fretting, than by going, so -perhaps she had better go. And she did go; the doctor with great -attention sending in half a dozen of medicine, to be drunk upon -the road. - -In addition to these points of distraction, Wardle was -intrusted with two small letters to two small young ladies who -were to act as bridesmaids; upon the receipt of which, the two -young ladies were driven to despair by having no 'things' ready for so -important an occasion, and no time to make them in--a circumstance -which appeared to afford the two worthy papas of the -two small young ladies rather a feeling of satisfaction than -otherwise. However, old frocks were trimmed, and new bonnets -made, and the young ladies looked as well as could possibly -have been expected of them. And as they cried at the subsequent -ceremony in the proper places, and trembled at the right times, -they acquitted themselves to the admiration of all beholders. -How the two poor relations ever reached London--whether -they walked, or got behind coaches, or procured lifts in wagons, -or carried each other by turns--is uncertain; but there they were, -before Wardle; and the very first people that knocked at the door -of Mr. Pickwick's house, on the bridal morning, were the two -poor relations, all smiles and shirt collar. - -They were welcomed heartily though, for riches or poverty had -no influence on Mr. Pickwick; the new servants were all alacrity -and readiness; Sam was in a most unrivalled state of high spirits -and excitement; Mary was glowing with beauty and smart ribands. - -The bridegroom, who had been staying at the house for two or -three days previous, sallied forth gallantly to Dulwich Church to -meet the bride, attended by Mr. Pickwick, Ben Allen, Bob -Sawyer, and Mr. Tupman; with Sam Weller outside, having at -his button-hole a white favour, the gift of his lady-love, and clad -in a new and gorgeous suit of livery invented for the occasion. -They were met by the Wardles, and the Winkles, and the bride -and bridesmaids, and the Trundles; and the ceremony having -been performed, the coaches rattled back to Mr. Pickwick's to -breakfast, where little Mr. Perker already awaited them. - -Here, all the light clouds of the more solemn part of the -proceedings passed away; every face shone forth joyously; and -nothing was to be heard but congratulations and commendations. -Everything was so beautiful! The lawn in front, the garden -behind, the miniature conservatory, the dining-room, the -drawing-room, the bedrooms, the smoking-room, and, above all, -the study, with its pictures and easy-chairs, and odd cabinets, and -queer tables, and books out of number, with a large cheerful -window opening upon a pleasant lawn and commanding a pretty -landscape, dotted here and there with little houses almost hidden -by the trees; and then the curtains, and the carpets, and the -chairs, and the sofas! Everything was so beautiful, so compact, so -neat, and in such exquisite taste, said everybody, that there really -was no deciding what to admire most. - -And in the midst of all this, stood Mr. Pickwick, his countenance -lighted up with smiles, which the heart of no man, woman, -or child, could resist: himself the happiest of the group: shaking -hands, over and over again, with the same people, and when -his own hands were not so employed, rubbing them with -pleasure: turning round in a different direction at every fresh -expression of gratification or curiosity, and inspiring everybody -with his looks of gladness and delight. - -Breakfast is announced. Mr. Pickwick leads the old lady (who -has been very eloquent on the subject of Lady Tollimglower) to -the top of a long table; Wardle takes the bottom; the friends -arrange themselves on either side; Sam takes his station behind -his master's chair; the laughter and talking cease; Mr. Pickwick, -having said grace, pauses for an instant and looks round him. -As he does so, the tears roll down his cheeks, in the fullness of -his joy. - -Let us leave our old friend in one of those moments of unmixed -happiness, of which, if we seek them, there are ever some, -to cheer our transitory existence here. There are dark shadows -on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast. Some men, -like bats or owls, have better eyes for the darkness than for the -light. We, who have no such optical powers, are better pleased -to take our last parting look at the visionary companions of many -solitary hours, when the brief sunshine of the world is blazing -full upon them. - - -It is the fate of most men who mingle with the world, and -attain even the prime of life, to make many real friends, and lose -them in the course of nature. It is the fate of all authors or -chroniclers to create imaginary friends, and lose them in the -course of art. Nor is this the full extent of their misfortunes; for -they are required to furnish an account of them besides. - -In compliance with this custom--unquestionably a bad one ---we subjoin a few biographical words, in relation to the party -at Mr. Pickwick's assembled. - -Mr. and Mrs. Winkle, being fully received into favour by the -old gentleman, were shortly afterwards installed in a newly- -built house, not half a mile from Mr. Pickwick's. Mr. Winkle, -being engaged in the city as agent or town correspondent of his -father, exchanged his old costume for the ordinary dress of -Englishmen, and presented all the external appearance of a -civilised Christian ever afterwards. - -Mr. and Mrs. Snodgrass settled at Dingley Dell, where they -purchased and cultivated a small farm, more for occupation than -profit. Mr. Snodgrass, being occasionally abstracted and melancholy, -is to this day reputed a great poet among his friends and -acquaintance, although we do not find that he has ever written -anything to encourage the belief. There are many celebrated -characters, literary, philosophical, and otherwise, who hold a -high reputation on a similar tenure. - -Mr. Tupman, when his friends married, and Mr. Pickwick -settled, took lodgings at Richmond, where he has ever since -resided. He walks constantly on the terrace during the summer -months, with a youthful and jaunty air, which has rendered him -the admiration of the numerous elderly ladies of single condition, -who reside in the vicinity. He has never proposed again. - -Mr. Bob Sawyer, having previously passed through the -GAZETTE, passed over to Bengal, accompanied by Mr. Benjamin -Allen; both gentlemen having received surgical appointments -from the East India Company. They each had the yellow fever -fourteen times, and then resolved to try a little abstinence; since -which period, they have been doing well. -Mrs. Bardell let lodgings to many conversable single gentlemen, -with great profit, but never brought any more actions for breach -of promise of marriage. Her attorneys, Messrs. Dodson & Fogg, -continue in business, from which they realise a large income, and -in which they are universally considered among the sharpest of -the sharp. - -Sam Weller kept his word, and remained unmarried, for two -years. The old housekeeper dying at the end of that time, Mr. -Pickwick promoted Mary to the situation, on condition of her -marrying Mr. Weller at once, which she did without a murmur. -From the circumstance of two sturdy little boys having been -repeatedly seen at the gate of the back garden, there is reason to -suppose that Sam has some family. - -The elder Mr. Weller drove a coach for twelve months, but -being afflicted with the gout, was compelled to retire. The contents -of the pocket-book had been so well invested for him, -however, by Mr. Pickwick, that he had a handsome independence -to retire on, upon which he still lives at an excellent public-house -near Shooter's Hill, where he is quite reverenced as an oracle, -boasting very much of his intimacy with Mr. Pickwick, and -retaining a most unconquerable aversion to widows. - -Mr. Pickwick himself continued to reside in his new house, -employing his leisure hours in arranging the memoranda which -he afterwards presented to the secretary of the once famous club, -or in hearing Sam Weller read aloud, with such remarks as -suggested themselves to his mind, which never failed to afford -Mr. Pickwick great amusement. He was much troubled at first, -by the numerous applications made to him by Mr. Snodgrass, -Mr. Winkle, and Mr. Trundle, to act as godfather to their -offspring; but he has become used to it now, and officiates as a -matter of course. He never had occasion to regret his bounty to -Mr. Jingle; for both that person and Job Trotter became, in time, -worthy members of society, although they have always steadily -objected to return to the scenes of their old haunts and temptations. -Mr. Pickwick is somewhat infirm now; but he retains all his -former juvenility of spirit, and may still be frequently seen, -contemplating the pictures in the Dulwich Gallery, or enjoying a -walk about the pleasant neighbourhood on a fine day. He is -known by all the poor people about, who never fail to take their -hats off, as he passes, with great respect. The children idolise him, -and so indeed does the whole neighbourhood. Every year he -repairs to a large family merry-making at Mr. Wardle's; on this, -as on all other occasions, he is invariably attended by the faithful -Sam, between whom and his master there exists a steady and -reciprocal attachment which nothing but death will terminate. - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg Etext of The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens - |